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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12872 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+January 24, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. XII.--THE MATE OF THE MARLINSPIKE.
+
+(_BY SHARK MUSSELL; AUTHOR OF "ERECT WITH A STOVE IN HER," "MY GYP
+MADE TO WHEEZE," "THE ROMANCE OF A PENNY PARLOUR," "A HOOK FOR THE
+BANNOCK," "FOUND THE GAL ON FIRE," "THE MYSTERY OF THE LOTION JAR,"
+"THE JOKES O' LEAD," &C., &C., &C._)
+
+    ["Here you are, my hearty," writes the Author, "this is a
+    regular briny ocean story, all storms and thunderclaps and
+    sails and rigging and soaring masts and bellying sails. How
+    about 'avast heaving' and 'shiver my timbers,' and 'son of a
+    sea-cook,' and all that? No, thank you; that kind of thing's
+    played out. MARRYAT was all very well _in his day_, but that
+    day's gone. The public requires stories about merchant ships,
+    and, by Neptune, the public shall have them, with all kinds
+    of hairy villains and tempest-tossed wrecks and human interest
+    and no end of humour, likewise word-pictures of ships and
+    storms. That's me. So clear the decks, and here goes."]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+We were in mid-ocean. Over the vast expanses of the oily sea no ripple
+was to be seen although Captain BABBIJAM kept his binoculars levelled
+at the silent horizon for three-quarters of an hour by the saloon
+clock. Far away in the murky distance of the mysterious empyrean, a
+single star flashed with a weird brilliance down upon the death-like
+stillness of the immemorial ocean. Yet the good old _Marlinspike_
+was rolling from side to side and rising and falling as if the liquid
+expanse were stirred by the rush of a tempest instead of lying as
+motionless as a country congregation during the rector's sermon.
+Suddenly Captain BABBIJAM closed his binoculars with an angry snap,
+and turned to me. His face showed of a dark purple under his white
+cotton night-cap.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The silly old ship," he muttered, half to himself and half to me, "is
+trying to make heavy weather of it; but I'll be even with her. I'll be
+even with her."
+
+"You'll find it a very _odd_ thing to do," I said to him, jocosely.
+
+He sprang at me like a seahorse, and reared himself to his full height
+before me.
+
+"Come, Mr. TUGLEY," he continued, speaking in a low, meaning voice,
+"can you take a star?"
+
+"Sometimes," I answered, humouring his strange fancy; "but there's
+only one about, and it seems a deuce of a long way off--however, I'll
+try;" and, with that, I reached my arm up in the direction of the
+solitary planet, which lay in the vast obscure like a small silver
+candlestick, with a greenish tinge in its icy sparkling, mirrored far
+below in the indigo flood of the abysmal sea, while a grey scud came
+sweeping up, no one quite knew whence, and hung about the glossy face
+of the silent luminary like the shreds of a wedding veil, scattered
+by a honey-moon quarrel across the deep spaces far beyond the hairy
+coamings of the booby-hatch.
+
+"Fool!" said the Captain, softly, "I don't mean that. If you can't
+take a star, can you keep a watch?"
+
+"Well, as to that, Captain," said I, half shocked and half amused at
+his strange questionings, "I never take my own out in a crowd. It's
+one of DENT's best, given me by my aunt, and I've had it for nigh
+upon--"
+
+But the Captain had left me, and was at that moment engaged on his
+after-supper occupation of jockeying a lee yard-arm, while the first
+mate, Mr. SOWSTER, was doing his best to keep up with his rough
+commanding officer by dangling to windward on the flemish horse,
+which, as it was touched in the wind and gone in the forelegs,
+stumbled violently over the buttery hatchway and hurled its
+venturesome rider into the hold.
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+On the following morning we were all sitting in the palatial saloon of
+the _Marlinspike_. We were all there, all the characters, that is to
+say, necessary for the completion of a first class three-volume ocean
+novel. On my right sat the cayenne-peppery Indian Colonel, a small
+man with a fierce face and a tight collar, who roars like a bull and
+says, "Zounds, Sir," on the slightest provocation. Opposite to him
+was his wife, a Roman-nosed lady, with an imperious manner, and a
+Colonel-subduing way of curling her lip. On my left was the funny man.
+As usual he was of a sea-green colour, and might be expected at any
+moment to stagger to a porthole and call faintly for the steward.
+Further down the table sat two young nincompoops, brought on board
+specially in order that they might fulfil their destiny, and fill
+out my story, by falling in love with the fluffy-haired English girl
+who was sitting between them, and pouting equally and simultaneously
+at both. There was also the stout German who talks about "de sturm
+und der vafes." And beside him was the statuesque English beauty,
+whose eyes are of the rich blackness of the tropic sky, whose voice
+has a large assortment of sudden notes of haughtiness, while the
+studied insolence of her manner first freezes her victims and then
+incontinently and inconsistently scorches them. Eventually her proud
+spirit will be tamed, probably by a storm, or a ship-wreck, or by
+ten days in an open boat. I shall then secure your love, my peerless
+ARAMINTA, and you will marry me and turn out as soft and gentle as
+the moss-rose which now nestles in your raven tresses. The Colonel was
+speaking.
+
+"Zounds, Sir!" he was saying. "I don't know what you mean by effects.
+All mine are on board. What do you say, Mr. TUGLEY?" he went on,
+looking at me with a look full of corkscrews and broken glass,
+while his choleric face showed of a purple hue under the effort of
+utterance.
+
+"Well, Colonel," I replied, in an off-hand way, so as not to irritate
+him, "I keep my best effects here;" and, so saying, I produced my
+note-book, and tapped it significantly. "What, for instance, do you
+say to this?"
+
+But, what follows, needs another chapter.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+I found the place in my notebook, cleared my voice, and began.
+"The ship was sailing gloriously under a press of canvas. Her
+foretopgallant-sail swelled to its cotton-like hue out of the black
+shadow of its incurving. High aloft, the swelling squares of her
+studding-sails gleamed in the misty sheen of the pale luminary,
+flinging her frosty light from point to point of the tapering masts,
+which rose, rose, rose into the morning air, as though with intent
+to pierce the glowing orb of day, poised in the heavens like one vast
+ball of liquid fire. Through the wind-hushed spaces of the canvas,
+where the foretopmaststay-sail--"
+
+"I know that foretopmaststay-sail," said the funny man, suddenly. I
+withered him with a look, and turned over the page.
+
+"Here," I said, "is another tip-topper. What do you think of this
+for a storm?--'The liquid acclivities were rising taller, and more
+threatening. With a scream of passion the tortured ship hurled itself
+at their deep-green crests. Cascades of rain, and hail, and snow,
+were dashing down upon her unprotected bulwarks. The inky sky was one
+vast thunder-clap, out of which the steely shaft of an electric flash
+pierced its dazzling path into the heart of the raving deep. The
+scud--'
+
+"I know that scud," said a hateful voice. But, before I could
+annihilate its owner, the pale face of Mr. SPILKINGS, with his
+dead-eyes turned in, dashed breathlessly into the saloon. "By all
+that's holy," he shouted, "the Captain's gone mad, and the crew have
+thrown off all disguise. We are manned by ourang-outangs!"
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Never shall I forget the horrors of the scene that ensued. We clewed
+up the mizzen royal, we lashed the foretop to make it spin upon its
+heels. The second dog watch barked his shins to the bone, and a
+tail of men hauled upon the halliards to mast-head the yard. Nothing
+availed. We had to be wrecked and wrecked we were, and as I clasped
+ARAMINTA's trustful head to my breast, the pale luminary sailing
+through the angry wrack glittered in phantasmal splendour on the scud
+which--
+
+    [Here the MS. ends unaccountably.--ED. _Punch_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INTERESTED PARTY.
+
+_St. Bernard's Dog_ (_confidentially to Mr. Chaplin_). "NEVER MIND
+THE OLD WOMAN; LET'S KEEP THE MUZZLE ON FOR A YEAR, AND HAVE DONE WITH
+IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CANINE CONFIDENCES.
+
+    _Clever Dog, to the Minister of Agriculture, loquitur_--
+
+  POTTERER, put the muzzle on! Potterer, take it off again!
+  _That_ is not the way, my friend, cruel _rabies_ to restrain.
+            Take my tip!
+  As to self-styled "friends of dogs," too preposterous by half,
+  Who object to all restraint, they deserve on seat or calf
+            One sharp nip.
+
+  It is _doggish_ interest hydrophobia to stamp out;
+  'Tis a curse to us canines; that no person well can doubt
+            Who has sense.
+  They who think we doggies share old maid's sentimental fad,
+  Just as though it really were a dog's _privilege_ to go mad,
+            Must be dense.
+
+  Muzzles are a bore, of course, rather troublesome at times,
+  But I'd rather have my nose made incapable of crimes,
+           Than go free,
+  With the chance of "going off," giving friend or foe a bite.
+  And be clubbed to death or shot, murdered in my master's sight,
+            Don't suit _me_!
+
+  Never mind the fussy frumps, the old women of each sex;
+  Better raise their ready wrath than the prudent public vex
+            With crass rules.
+  Muzzles now and collars then, partial orders soon relaxed;
+  Men rebel when with caprice they are tied, or teased, or taxed,
+            Else they're fools.
+
+  Keep the muzzles on a year, regularly, and _all round_,
+  Every doggy of high breed, mongrel puppy, whelp or hound,
+            Will give thanks
+  To the Minister who tries hydrophobia to stamp out
+  Once for all o'er all the land, with consistency, and without
+            Pottering pranks!
+
+  Mr. CHAPLIN, take my tip! Science speaks in the same sense,
+  So does true philanthropy. Ought to have effect immense,
+            What they say.
+  Heed not that old woman there, with her spoilt and yelping pet;
+  I for every dog of _nous_ in the country speak, you bet.
+            Try! _Good_-day!
+
+    [_Trots out, comfortably muzzled_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOST APPROPRIATE.--We see, from some recently-reported proceedings,
+that the present Inspector appointed under the Infant Life Protection
+Act is "Mr. BABEY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION.
+
+_The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own
+reflection, writes as follows:--_
+
+"I look into the glass, Reader. What do I see?
+
+"I see a pair of laughing, _espiègle_, forget-me-not blue eyes,
+saucy and defiant; a _mutine_ little rose-bud of a mouth, with
+its ever-mocking _moue_; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play
+hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from
+underneath the satin folds of a _rose-thé_ dressing-gown, a dainty
+foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco
+slipper," &c., &c.
+
+(_Vide "Passionate Pauline," by Parbleu._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COMING MEETING.
+
+(_REPORTED FROM THE RAILWAY INTELLIGENCE OF 1892._)
+
+The Chairman, who on opening the proceedings was received with a
+feeble chorus of melancholy groans, said that he feared he had no
+better Report to make to the shareholders. ("_Oh! oh!_") It is
+true that he had one fact to mention, which was a matter of supreme
+congratulation, and he needn't say that that was that they hadn't
+yielded a single inch to the men. ("_Oh! oh!" and a Voice, "Oh!
+we've had enough of 'that'!")_ It is also true that this firm and
+unflinching front had necessitated some sacrifice, and had involved
+the Company in no little difficulty. (_Prolonged groans._) He was
+sorry to note these manifestations, for he had not only to announce
+to that meeting the non-payment of any dividend, even to the holders
+of the Company's Debenture Stock, but he had further to inform them,
+that, owing to some difficulty in settling the account of their coal
+contractors, these last had taken proceedings against them, and had
+seized not only all the contents of their refreshment-rooms, but also
+the whole of their rolling-stock. (_Prolonged wailing._) He grieved
+to say that the last two engines that the Company possessed, and which
+they had up to now hidden in the cloak-room at the Edinburgh terminus,
+were unfortunately discovered and seized last night. (_Groans._)
+Still, the Company did not despair of being able to carry on, at
+least, a portion of the Passenger Traffic (_Feeble laughter._) They
+might meet the statement with a manifestation of ridicule--but
+such was the case. It was with a sense of pride in their method of
+triumphing over difficulties, that he announced to the meeting, that a
+train of cattle-trucks would be started for the North daily at twelve
+o'clock, the motive power of which would be the Directors themselves.
+("_Oh! oh!")_ They could not say anything about _the pace_ at which
+the train would travel, but that, _with time_, it would do the
+distance he had little, if any doubt. It is true that in a similar
+experiment on a neighbouring line the train came to a dead halt in the
+first tunnel, and the passengers had to descend in the dark and grope
+their way out to the nearest station as well as they could, but this
+unsatisfactory experience would in no way deter them from making the
+experiment on their own behalf. (_Jeers._) He was sorry to see that
+the ordinary stock of the Company, which, a twelvemonth since, had
+touched 128-3/8,--could not now find purchasers in the Market at
+7-1/2. (_Groans._) But he hoped for better times. ("_Oh! oh!_") But,
+come what would, he would hold fast by his principles, which were,
+"_No Compromise, No Meeting Halfway, No Arbitration, No Concession!_"
+Men might starve, Trade collapse, the Country come to ruin, the
+Company disappear in Bankruptcy, but he cared not. The Directors had
+put their foot down, and, whether right or wrong, whatever happened,
+_there_ they meant, with a good down-right national and pig-headed
+obstinacy, to keep it.
+
+The Chairman was continuing in this strain, but, being interrupted
+by a shower of inkstands, was compelled to close his remarks, the
+proceedings coming to a somewhat abrupt conclusion, in a scene of
+considerable confusion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "STRAIT" TIP.
+
+  Oh, Mister BLAINE, we don't complain
+    That for your country's weal you're caring;
+  But, clever Yankee, _Punch_ would thank 'ee
+    Not to be quite so _over-Behring!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW VERSION.--Every dog must have his--_year_ (of muzzling).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GAME OF PEACE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_April_.--Grand informal meeting of the Crowned Heads of Europe (with
+the CZAR in the chair) to discuss a scheme of general disarmament,
+at which the Emperor of GERMANY creates a profound sensation by the
+announcement that, as a hint to his brother Monarchs, he has himself
+gone on to the retired list, burnt his cocked-hat, disbanded the
+Pomeranian Grenadiers, and confined Herr KRUPP for ten years in a
+second-class fortress.
+
+_May_.--By arrangement, all the great powers call in the uniforms of
+all their troops and present them to the King of the BELGIANS, on the
+understanding that, as the Emperor of the Congo, he shall forthwith
+transport them to Africa, and instantly commence the clothing of seven
+millions of the naked native population.
+
+_June_.--One hundred and eighty thousand horses, with military
+training, coming suddenly on to the market, four-in-hand Hansoms at a
+penny an hour, become common in all the great European capitals, and
+the Derby, for which there are 1371 entries, is won by a Cossack pony,
+trained in Siberia.
+
+_July_.--The barrels of all the magazine rifles melted down, and
+recast, utilised for the production of type-writers, which, being
+produced in large quantities, are supplied with instruction gratis
+to all the children attending the establishments of the London School
+Board, the stocks of the rifles being utilised for the manufacture of
+billiard-cues, walking-sticks, and umbrella-handles.
+
+_August_.--It being resolved to use up all the gunpowder without
+delay, a perpetual display of fireworks is inaugurated at Vienna,
+St. Petersburg, Berlin, Paris, and London, the show in the last-named
+capital including a gigantic set-piece of the Fifteen Decisive Battles
+of the World, which is given five times successively every evening at
+the Crystal Palace for three months, Piccadilly being illuminated from
+6 P.M. to 3 A.M. by the continuous discharge of coloured rockets.
+
+_September_.--The last 101-ton gun having been melted down for the
+forging of the metal piles for one of the four newly-projected Channel
+bridges, a nasty international feeling, fermented by General Officers
+who are obliged to sweep crossings and drive four-wheeled cabs for a
+livelihood,--and who do not like it,--begins to manifest itself, and
+diplomacy intervening irritably only to make matters worse, several
+ultimatums are dispatched from some of the Great Powers to others,
+but owing to the want of soldiers, the matter is put into the hands
+of International Solicitors, who, arranging a stand-up fight for the
+President of the French Republic and the CZAR against the Emperors of
+GERMANY and AUSTRIA, and the KING of ITALY, the matter somehow falls
+through for the moment, and the public excitement subsides.
+
+_October_.--General note from all the Great Powers to each other
+announcing their secession from the "League of Peace," and declaring
+their intention of resorting again to "_Protective Armament_" as soon
+as possible. War declared all round before the end of the month.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+AT THE GUELPH EXHIBITION.
+
+IN THE CENTRAL HALL.
+
+_A Thrifty Visitor_ (_on entering_). Catalogue? No. What's the use
+of a Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of a tract, that tells you
+nothing you don't know!
+
+_His Wife_ (_indicating a pile of Catalogues on table_). Aren't
+_these_ big enough for you?
+
+_The Thr. V._ Those? Why, they're big enough for the _London
+Directory_! Think I'm going to drag a thing like that about the place?
+You don't really want a Catalogue--it's all your fancy!
+
+_Mr. Prattler_ (_to Miss AMMERSON_). Oh, _do_ stop and look at these
+_sweet_ goldfish! Pets! Don't you _love_ them? _Aren't_ they tame?
+
+_Miss Ammerson_. Wouldn't do to have them _wild_--might jump out and
+_bite_ people, you know!
+
+_Mr. P._ It's _too_ horrid of you to make fun of my poor little
+enthusiasms! But really,--couldn't we get something and feed
+them?--_Do_ let's!
+
+_Miss A._ I daresay you could get ham-sandwiches in the Restaurant--or
+chocolates.
+
+_Mr. P._ How unkind you are to me! But I don't care. (_Wilfully._) I
+shall come here all by myself, and bring biscuits. Great big ones! Are
+you determined to take me into that big room with all the Portraits?
+Well, you must tell me who they all are then, and which are the
+Guelphiest ones.
+
+IN THE ROYAL ROOM.
+
+_Considerate Niece_ (_to Uncle_). They seem mostly Portraits here.
+You're sure you don't _mind_ looking at them, Uncle? I know so many
+people _do_ object to Portraits.
+
+_Uncle_ (_with the air of a Christian Martyr_). No, my dear, no: _I_
+don't mind 'em. Stay here as long as you like, I'll sit down and look
+at the people, till you've done.
+
+_First Critical Visitor_ (_examining a View of St. James's Park_).
+I wonder where that was taken. In Scotland, I expect--there's two
+Highlanders there, you see.
+
+_Second C.V._ Shouldn't wonder--lot o' work in that, all those
+different colours, and so many dresses. [_Admires, thoughtfully._
+
+_A Well-read Woman_. That's Queen CHARLOTTE, that is. GEORGE THE
+THIRD's wife, you know--her that was so _domestic_.
+
+_Her Companion_. Wasn't that the one that was shut up in the Tower, or
+something?
+
+_The W.W._ In the Tower? Lor, my dear, no, _I_ never 'eard of it.
+You're thinking of the TUDORS, or some o' that lot, I expect!
+
+_Her Comp._ Am I? I daresay. I never _could_ remember 'Istry. Why,
+if you'll believe me, I always have to stop and think which of the
+GEORGES came first!
+
+_More Critical Visitors_ (_before Portraits_). He's rather
+pleasant-looking, don't you think? I _don't_ like _her_ face at all.
+So peculiar. And what a hideous dress--like a tea-gown without any
+upper part--frightful!
+
+_A Sceptical V._ They all seem to have had such thin lips in those
+days. Somehow, I _can't_ bring myself to believe in such very thin
+lips--can _you_, dear?
+
+_Her Friend_. I always think it's a sign of meanness, myself.
+
+_The S.V._ No; but I mean--I can't believe _everyone_ had them in the
+eighteenth century.
+
+_Her Friend_. Oh, I don't know. If it was the fashion!
+
+ABOUT THE CASES.
+
+_Visitor_ (_admiring an embroidered waistcoat of the time of GEORGE
+THE SECOND--a highly popular exhibit_). What lovely work! Why, it
+looks as if it was done yesterday!
+
+_Her Companion_ (_who is not in the habit of allowing his enthusiasm
+to run away with him_). Um--yes, it's not bad. But, of course, they
+wouldn't send a thing like that here without having it washed and done
+up first!
+
+_An Old Lady_. "Tea-pot used by the Duke of WELLINGTON during his
+campaigns." So he drank _tea_, did he? Dear me! Do you know, my dear,
+I think I must have _my_ old tea-pot engraved. It will make it so much
+more interesting some day!
+
+IN THE SOUTH GALLERY.
+
+_Mr. Prattler_ (_before a Portrait of Lady HAMILTON, by ROMNEY_).
+There! Isn't she too charming? I do call her a perfect _duck_.'
+
+_Miss Ammerson_. Yes, you mustn't forget her when you bring those
+biscuits.
+
+_An Amurrcan Girl_. Father, see up there; there's BYRON. Did you erver
+see such a purrfectly beautiful face?
+
+_Her Father_ (_solemnly_). He was a beautiful _Man_--a beautiful Poet.
+
+_The A.G._ I know--but the _expression_, it's real saint-like!
+
+_Father_ (_slowly_). Well, I guess if he'd had any different kind of
+expression, he wouldn't have written the things he _did_ write, and
+that's a fact!
+
+_A Moralising Old Lady_ (_at Case O_). No. 1260. "Ball of Worsted
+wound by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet, for Mrs. UNWIN." NO. 1261.
+"Netting done by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet." How very nice, and what a
+difference in the habit of literary persons _nowadays_, my dear!
+
+IN THE CENTRAL HALL.--_MR. WHITEROSE, A JACOBITE FIN DE SIÈCLE, IS
+SEATED ON A BENCH BESIDE A SEEDY STRANGER._
+
+_The S.S._ (_half to himself_). Har, well, there's one comfort, these
+'ere GUELPHS'll get notice to quit afore we're _much_ older!
+
+_Mr. Whiterose_ (_surprised_). You say so? Then--you too are of the
+Young England Party! I am rejoiced to hear it. You cheer me; it is a
+sign that the good Cause is advancing.
+
+_The S.S._ Advancin'? I believe yer. Why, I know a dozen and more as
+are workin' 'art and soul for it!
+
+_Mr. W._ You do? We are making strides, indeed! Our England has
+suffered these usurpers too long.
+
+_The S.S._ Yer right. But we'll chuck 'em out afore long, and it'll be
+"Over goes the Show" with the lot, eh?
+
+_Mr. W._ I had no idea that the--er--intelligent artisan classes were
+so heartily with us. We must talk more of this. Come and see me. Bring
+your friends--all you can depend upon. Here is my card.
+
+_The S.S._ (_putting the card in the lining of his hat_). Right,
+Guv'nor; we'll come. I wish there was more gents like yer, I do!
+
+_Mr. W._ We are united by a common bond. We both detest--do we
+not?--the Hanoverian interlopers. We are both pledged never to rest
+until we have brought back to the throne of our beloved England,
+her lawful sovereign lady--(_uncovering_)--our gracious MARY of
+Austria-Este, the legitimate descendant of CHARLES the Blessed Martyr!
+
+_The S.S._ 'Old on, Guv'nor! Me and my friends are with yer so fur
+as doing away with these 'ere hidle GUELPHS; but blow yer MARY of
+Orstria, yer know. Blow _'er_!
+
+_Mr. W._ (_horrified_). Hush--this is rank treason! Remember--she is
+the lineal descendant of the House of Stuart!
+
+_The S.S._ What of it? There won't be no lineal descendants when we
+git _hour_ way, 'cause there won't be nothing to descend to nobody.
+The honly suv'rin _we_ mean to 'ave is the People--the Democrisy. But
+there, you're young, me and my friends'll soon tork you over to hour
+way o' thinking. I dessay we ain't fur apart, as it is. I got yer
+address, and we'll drop in on yer some night--never fear. No hevenin'
+dress, o' course?
+
+_Mr. W._ Of course. I--I'll look out for you. But I'm seldom
+in--hardly _ever_, in fact.
+
+_The S.S._ Don't you fret about _that_. Me and my friends ain't
+nothing partickler to do just now. We'll _wait_ for yer. I should like
+yer to know ole BILL GABB. You should 'ear _that_ feller goin' on agin
+the GUELPHS when he's 'ad a little booze--it 'ud do your 'art good!
+Well, I on'y come in 'ere as a deligate like, to report, and I seen
+enough. So 'ere's good-day to yer.
+
+_Mr. W._ (_alone_). I shall have to change my rooms--and I _was_ so
+comfortable! Well, well,--another sacrifice to the Cause!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There was a bronze group by POLLET among the specimens of sculpture in
+the French _Salon_, some twenty years ago,--"It may be more or less
+an hour or so," as the poet sings,--representing a female form being
+carried upwards in the embrace of a rather evil-looking Angel. It
+illustrated a poem by the Vicomte ALFRED DE VIGNY, which I remember
+reading, in consequence of this very statue having come into my
+possession (it was afterwards sold at Messrs. CHRISTIE, MANSON &
+WOODS, under the style and title of "Lot 121, _Elsa_"), and it
+occurs to me that it was on precisely the same theme as the other
+ALFRED's--not the _Vicomte_ but _Mister_ ALFRED AUSTIN's--"_The Tower
+of Babel_," which I have just read with much pleasure, and, with some
+profit; the moral, as I take it, being favourable to the Temperance
+cause, as a warning against all spirits, good, bad, or indifferent.
+_Afrael_, the inhabitant of a distant star, falls in love with
+_Noema_, the wife of the atheistical Babelite _Aran_, to whom she has
+borne a son, aged in the poem, as far as I can make out, about eight
+years, and a fine boy for that. Anyhow, it makes _Noema_ at least
+twenty-five, supposing she married at sweet seventeen, and, indeed,
+she alludes to herself in the poem as no longer in her first youth.
+
+Well, _Aran_, who is very far from being a domestic character, is
+struck down by avenging lightning at the destruction of the Tower
+of Babel, and _Noema_ is left a widow, with her child, who has been
+protected in the _mêlée_ by the Spirit _Afrael's_ taking him out of
+it, and restoring him to his mother's arms. When, after this, the
+infatuated spirit-lover _Afrael_ requests _Noema_ to say the word
+which shall make a man of him, and a husband of him too at the same
+time, she modestly refuses, until she has had a decent time to order
+her widow's weeds at her milliner's and wear them for about a month or
+so, at the expiration of which interval _Afrael_ may, if he be still
+of the same mind, call in again, and pop the question.
+
+_Afrael_ bids good-bye to the Upper House, and, his heart being
+ever true to _Poll_--meaning _Noema_--he returns, makes an evening
+call upon her, and asks her, in effect, "Is it to be '_Yes-ema_,'
+or '_No-ema_'?" The bashful widow chooses the former, and the
+Spirit-lover _Afrael_, renouncing his immortality, i.e., giving
+up spirits, becomes plain _Mr. Afrael_, and an ordinary, as far as
+anybody can judge, a very ordinary mortal, showing what a change a
+drop of spirits can effect in a constitution. Now I should like the
+poem "continued in our next." I should like to hear _how_ they got
+on together: and, as longevity was considerable in those patriarchal
+days, I should like to know how they got on together when _Afrael
+Esquire_ was 195, and his wife, _Noema_, was 200. Did _Afrael_ never
+again take to his spirits? Or, did he become miserable and hipped
+having entirely lost his spirits? Did his wife never make sarcastic
+reference to the "stars" with whom he had formerly been acquainted?
+And how about her boy, his step-son? Did they have any family? Whence
+came the money?
+
+Perhaps Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN (whose works are being printed by MACMILLAN
+in a collected form, and among them _The Satire_ now historic)
+will give us an entirely new volume on the same subject, telling an
+expectant public all about _Mr._ and _Mrs. Afrael chez eux_, and, in
+fact, something spicy about this strangely assorted couple; for Poet
+ALFRED will do well to remember and act upon his own dictum when, in
+the preface to _The Satire_, he observed, and with truth, that had he
+originally "written with the grave decorum of a secluded moralist,
+he would" by this time "have gone down into the limbo of forgotten
+bores."
+
+Into that limbo A.A. will never descend. It is delightful to find
+him dedicating his book to Lord LYTTON, to whom--when L.L. was
+OWEN MEREDITH, ALFREDO _mio_ had pointed out that, "in one serious
+particular, he had overlooked parental admonition," and observing on
+that occasion that, "had OWEN MEREDITH even a glimpse of the truth,
+we" (A.A. himself, in 1861, much "we"-er then than now--"_et alors, il
+grandira, il grandira!_") "should have been spared the final _tableau_
+of repentance and forgiveness which concludes _Lucile_." But, thank
+goodness, we (the Baron, and his literary friends) have _not_ been
+spared the touching picture of repentance and forgiveness in ALFRED
+AUSTIN's dedicating his latest poem to Lord LYTTON. _Sic transit ira
+poetarum!_
+
+In _The Season_ ALFREDO sang--
+
+  "I claim the precious privilege of youth,
+  Never to speak except to speak the truth."
+
+But those lines were not written the day before yesterday, and as he
+can no longer "claim" the aforesaid "precious privilege," he can in
+his more mature years "go as he pleases." And there is so much "go"
+in him that he always pleases; so the Baron anticipates the sequel to
+_The Tower of Babel_ on the lines already suggested, presumptuous as
+it may seem to suggest lines to a poet.
+
+_Phra the Phoenician_, a very clever idea, with which BULWER would
+have performed mysteriously thrilling wonders, but which Mr. ARNOLD
+has written at once too heavily and treated too lightly, in too much
+of a "so-called nineteenth century style;" which is a pity, as it is
+full of dramatic incident, and the interest well kept up through some
+two thousand years or so, more or less. He is a wonder is _Mister
+Phra_, and might well be called _Phra Diavolo_ instead of _Phra the
+Phoenician_. Sir EDWIN ARNOLD has written a preface to the volume,
+and seems to express a wish that the wonders here recorded could be
+possibilities of everyday life. But, if so, as _Mr. Weller, Senior_,
+observed, _à propos_ of "there being a Providence in it," "O' course
+there is, SAMMY; or what 'ud become o' the undertakers?" And as to
+cremation--well, such an utter corporeal extinction would be the
+only way of putting an end to the terrestrial existence of _Phra the
+Phoenician_, who, however, "might rise," as _Mrs. Malaprop_ would say,
+"like a Phoenician from the ashes."
+
+The appearance of _A New Lady Audley_ is rather late in the
+half-century as a "skit" on Miss BRADDON's celebrated novel. Now and
+then I found an amusing bit in it, but, on the whole, poor stuff, says
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+My faithful "Co." has been reading poetry and prose, and thus
+communicates the result of his studies:--There is genuine but
+unassuming poetry, which is, after all, only another way of saying
+fine feeling finely expressed, in _Corn and Poppies_, by COSMO
+MONKHOUSE (ELKIN MATHEWS). Much of the verse is musical, and there
+is throughout a vein of thoughtfulness which never degenerates into
+a morbid brooding. I commend particularly "Any Soul to any Body,"
+"A Dead March," and "Mysteries," as good examples of Mr. MONKHOUSE's
+style. So much for verse. Let me now to prose. Like my baronial Chief,
+I say, "Bring me my boots!" and let them be thick, so that I may
+trudge safely through Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING's latest, "_The Light that
+Failed" (Lippincott's Monthly Magazine_, January). This is described
+as Mr. KIPLING's first long story. His publishers, moreover, are good
+enough to take all the trouble of criticism upon their own shoulders.
+They declare that "there is more stern strength in this novel than
+in anything which Mr. KIPLING has written;" but that is, after all,
+only a comparative statement, which profits me little, as I never yet
+estimated the amount of "stern strength" in Mr. KIPLING's previous
+writings. I am, however, told, in addition, that the tale "is as
+intensely moving as it is intensely masculine" (there's lovely
+language!) "and it will not be surprising if it should prove to be
+the literary sensation of the year." To such an expression of opinion
+by competent judges it would be futile to attempt to add very much.
+I will only say, therefore, that the "sensation" produced in me by
+this novel is one of the most disagreeable I ever experienced. The
+characters are, for the most part, inordinately dull, preposterously
+conceited, and insufferably brutal. As for _Dick Heldar_, the hero, no
+more disagreeable and hateful bully-puppy ever thought and talked in
+disconnected gasps through ninety-seven pages. The catastrophe moves
+no pity. Mr. KIPLING seems to despise the public, "who think with
+their boots, and read with their elbows;" but so clever a man might
+surely show his contempt less crudely. KIPLING, I love thee, but never
+more write such another tale!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.
+
+_Hostess_. "WON'T YOU TRY SOME OF THAT JELLY, HERR SILBERMUND?"
+
+_Herr Silbermund_ (_who has just been helped to Pudding_). "ACH, ZANK
+YOU, NO. I VOOT 'RAHZER PEAR VIZ ZE ILLS VE HAF, ZAN VLY TO OZZERS ZAT
+VE KNOW NOT OF.'" [_Herr S. is particularly proud of his knowledge of
+Shakspeare._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WORSE THAN EVER!"
+
+FARMER SMITH _LOQUITUR_:--
+
+  "To market, to market, to buy a fat pig!"
+    Yes, so runs the old-fashioned nursery rhyme,
+  And a porker that's plump, and round-barrel'd and big,
+    Is good business,--or used to be once on a time.
+  But now, they're the horriblest nuisance on earth
+  Are Pigs, and a great deal more plague than they're worth.
+
+  I begin to believe 'twould be better by far
+    If Pigs, like the Dodo, extinct could become.
+  They involve one in nothing but jangle and jar,
+    And as to large profits, why that's all a hum.
+  "Please the Pigs?" That's absurd, a mere obsolete wheeze,
+  For Pigs are precisely the beasts you _can't_ please!
+
+  Gee up, _Dobbin_, old lad! Home's in sight; you have borne
+    My burden, and that of my basket, right well,
+  Your carrying power some neighbours would scorn,
+    But you're sound and good grit, though you mayn't look a swell.
+  We're starting, lad, after our short half-way halt,
+  If we don't make good time it will not be our fault.
+
+  We did the first stretch unexpectedly slick,
+    My basket well loaded a feather-weight seemed,
+  The road was so smooth, and your canter so quick,
+    'Twas better, old lad, than we either had dreamed.
+  A great disappointment to some folk, I think.
+  Then we halted half-way for a rest and a drink.
+
+  That big Irish Pig, which had plagued us so oft.
+    Was away,--running after its head or its tail!
+  Oh joy, _Dobbin_, dear, to jog on, and go soft,
+    No row, no obstruction by hedge-gap or rail.
+  Ah, then they discovered the pace and the pith
+  Of _Dobbin_ the dull, and his mount, Farmer SMITH.
+
+  Now all seems smooth sailing! Hillo! What was that?
+    A squeak? Nay, it sounds like a chorus of squeaks!
+  Don't shy, my dear _Dobbin_--you'll shake off my hat.
+    The lane here grows narrow. Who's there? No one speaks.
+  But that raucous "hrumph! hrumph!" that cacophonous yell!
+  'Tis Pig-noise, and Irish--I know it so well.
+
+  It is right in the road, it is plump in the gap.
+    Steady, _Dobbin_! Don't halt for this hullaballoo--
+  Gee up! and go steady, now there's a good chap.
+    What, the same plaguy Pig! Nay, by Jove, _there are two!_
+  And they're fighting each other, these porkers perverse,
+  In the gap we must pass! Oh! this grows worse and worse!
+
+    [_Whips up Dobbin._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KOCH SURE!
+
+SCENE--_A PLACE OF MEETING. ENTER BROWN AND JONES. THEY SALUTE ONE
+ANOTHER_.
+
+_Brown_ (_excitedly_). Have you heard the good news?
+
+_Jones_ (_stolidly_). What good news?
+
+_Brown_. That Dr. KOCH has at length revealed his secret?
+
+_Jones_ (_startled_). No, has he! Dear me! And that I should have
+missed so pleasant a piece of intelligence! And so he has told an
+anxiously-expectant world the cause of his success! Can _you_ explain
+the matter to me?
+
+_Brown_ (_cheerfully_). With the assistance of the Public Press, to be
+sure I can. See here, I will give you the solution to the problem, as
+told by the Journals, "without puzzling technicalities."
+
+_Jones_. I hang upon your words with an impatience that
+politeness--the outcome of civilisation--alone renders endurable.
+
+_Brown_. Then you must know that Dr. KOCH has discovered that the
+remedy for tuberculosis consists of a glycerine extract of a pure
+cultivation of tubercle bacilli, the local effect of which, when
+injected into a healthy guinea-pig, produces a nodule found at the
+point of inoculation, which, when a second puncture is perpetrated,
+causes what may be called the bacillary fluid to be brought into the
+current of its circulation, so that the infected tissue may react upon
+the agent which it had previously been able to resist. I am not quite
+sure that I have got the _exact_ words, but that's the idea. Simple,
+isn't it?
+
+_Jones_. Very! [_Exeunt severally._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WORSE THAN EVER!"
+
+FARMER SMITH. "TUT-T-T! _TWO OF 'EM!_ BAD ENOUGH WHEN THERE WAS ONLY
+ONE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOMESTIC MELODIES.
+
+(_BY SANCHO PRESTON PANZA._)
+
+WINTER BATH-SONG.
+
+  For weeks the sun each morn arose
+    As 'tis his nature to,
+  But little difference he made
+  Sopp'd by the fog's asthmatic shade;
+  From day's beginning till its close
+    The day no brighter grew.
+  Above the sheets, the sleeper's nose
+    Peep'd shyly, as afraid,
+  While 'neath the dark and draughty flue
+  The burnt-out cinders meanly strew
+  The hearth, where now no firelight glows,
+    No waiting warmth is laid.
+
+  Full many a morn I sprang from bed,
+    As o'er the deadly brink
+  The wretch, with courage of despair,
+  Leaps from the slimy river-stair,
+  By hopeless hope unthinking sped,
+    Ere he can pause to think.
+  Cold as the efforts of the dead,
+    The needle-atom'd air,
+  Impinged upon the limbs that shrink.
+  On shivering shanks, and eyelids pink,
+  And bound its bands about the head,
+    And chill'd the underwear.
+
+  The frost that held us in its grip,
+    Would raise the prisoning paw,
+  And Nature, like a mouse set free,
+  Enjoyed delusive liberty,
+  While every water-pipe must drip
+    To greet the passing thaw.
+  Then rudely dashed from eager lip
+    The cup of joy would be,
+  And fingers numbed, and chattering jaw,
+  Owned unexpelled the winter's flaw,
+  And on the steps the goodmen slip,
+    And shout the major D.
+
+  Long like a fossil tipsy-cake
+    The sponge each morn appeared;
+  The bath, if plenished over-night,
+  Was frozen ere the morning light,
+  And more that frigid water-ache
+    Than unwashed days I feared,
+  Now while the milder zephyrs shake
+    Once more the winter's might,
+  My sponge, my bath, by loss endeared,
+  Shall dree no more a lonely weird;
+  And as young ducks to water take,
+    Shall be my bath ward flight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD DEVON!
+
+Mr. W.H. SMITH will return to Grosvenor Place from Torquay on Monday,
+for the opening of Parliament.
+
+  'Tis pity of you, OLD MORALITY,
+  Back from your rest to loud banality.
+  After St. Stephen's shindy, Devon
+  No doubt appeared a very heaven:
+  But cream's as much like water chalky
+  As Torquay Torrs to Talky-Talky!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF INITIALS.
+
+"Often as I may have been invited," Mr. T.M. HEALY is reported to
+have said, in the course of a recent speech, "I never yet put a toe
+inside his house." Memorable words. Henceforth, name changed to
+TOE-AND-HEALY, M.P.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORD TO MOTHERS.
+
+    [A well-known Dramatic Critic has recently spoken of a play as
+    "just the play in which growing girls will delight."]
+
+  O Anxious Mothers, come and listen
+    To what just now I've got to say.
+  If I'm not wrong, your eyes will glisten
+    Before the end of this my lay.
+  With strong affection overflowing--
+    Your children are indeed your pearls--
+  You can't help feeling pleased at knowing
+    The play's the thing--for growing girls!
+
+  The pages of a lady's journal
+    I've very often read with care,
+  The news, the gossiping eternal,
+    You're always sure of getting there.
+  Of how you ought to bind your tresses,
+    The latest styles, the tint in hair,
+  And there I've seen the kind of dresses
+    It's right for growing girls to wear.
+
+  But never once the slightest mention
+    Of what they'd better go and see,
+  And yet it's clear that some attention
+    To such a thing there ought to be.
+  For sentiment and love they're frantic,
+    They're fond of knights and belted earls,
+  A play that's just the least romantic--
+    Yes, that's the play for growing girls.
+
+  A crowing child, who loves to prattle,
+    Can easily be kept at rest.
+  You've only got to get a rattle,
+    Or p'raps a dolly would be best.
+  A bouncing boy will blow a bubble,
+    And want no more the livelong day;
+  But if a growing girl gives trouble,
+    You've got to take her to the play!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PIONEER IN PETTICOATS.
+
+    [An American Lady is about to explore Africa, on humane
+    principles.]
+
+_Arrive in Africa_.--Convinced that real way of taming the savage
+heart is by _Feminine Tact_. No need of brutal habits of male
+adventurers. Two negresses, from "Ole Virginny," with me, who said
+they would like to "see Africa again"; a few Arabs, to carry our
+baggage. Intend to study home-life of African tribes, and to get them
+to talk into my phonograph.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Month Later_.--Have had to exhibit more Feminine Tact than I
+expected. Got entangled in swampy forest on Zambesi (I think), and
+Arabs declined to extricate us unless their pay was doubled! Also one
+of negresses--horrid woman!--has deserted me--come to place that she
+pretended to recognise as her native village, and said she meant to
+stay! Tact useless with females!
+
+_On Lake Tanganyika_--or if it isn't Lake Tanganyika, it's _an
+entirely new lake_,--which I have been the first to discover! Suffer a
+good deal from fever and queer diet. Am studying native home-life.
+
+_Later_.--Have left two Arabs and my remaining negress on Lake, and
+gone myself to look for STANLEY's Dwarfs. Told that TIPPOO TIB is
+somewhere about. Also advised to be very careful not to fall in with
+the "man-eating Manyuema."
+
+_Still Later_.--Did fall in with them! Also fell out with them.
+They made all preparations for using me as a side-dish at a cannibal
+banquet, when TIPPOO TIB arrived and released me.
+
+_Tanganyika again!_--Back here safe and sound! TIPPOO TIB turned out
+most unsatisfactory. Wanted to marry me!--with a hundred other wives
+already! Not prepared for _this_ sort of home-life. Managed to get
+away by describing to him a Remington typewriter, and promising if he
+let me go, to bring one back _at once_.
+
+Find that my "rear-guard"--the negress and Arabs--have been up to
+fearful pranks during my absence. Negress killed and ate one of Arabs,
+and then other Arab killed and ate negress! Tell remaining Arab I
+shall have him punished when I get to Coast. Arab says he'll get there
+first, and publish a book showing _me_ up!
+
+_Latest_.--Left alone in middle of Africa, with a phonograph, several
+bales of baggage, and a diary. Question now is--will Feminine Tact
+show me road to Zanzibar?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY HONOURS.--"SMITH's Prizeman"--ARTHUR BALFOUR. The "Senior
+Wrangler" (for several years past)--Mr. GLADSTONE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTE-BOOK.
+
+(_FOR THE USE OF PROFESSIONAL DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR
+ENTERTAINERS._)
+
+_The Meeting of Parliament_.--This is not a very promising subject,
+but mild mirth may be produced in outlying districts (say Southend or
+Honiton, Devon) by observing, that the rock upon which the Irish Party
+went to pieces was a happy one--in fact, a GLAD-STONE. This, strictly
+speaking, is _not_ a new jest, and therefore must be helped out by
+a burst of self-supplied laughter. You might add, that as Members of
+Parliament are obliged, by the rules of the House, to address their
+colleagues _standing_, there would he little chance of a _seated_
+discussion. But you must, however, take care to cough when you say
+_seated_, so that those on the look-out for a brilliant _bon-mot_ may
+know that you mean _heated_.
+
+_The Revolt in Chili_.--The name of the place in which the
+disturbances have occurred will help you effectively to remark that
+the outbreak is seasonable during the present inclement weather. As
+the Army sympathises with the Government, and the sister service
+with the rioters, you can suggest "that knaves would, of course, be
+supported by the _Navy_!" This may lead up to a really magnificent
+burst of waggery in the assertion that the dissentients must of
+necessity be "all at sea."
+
+_The New Archbishop of York_.--Insist that his Grace is a Scotchman,
+and not an Irishman, and prove your proposition by declaring that
+the road to success was "MACGEE's (pronounced MAGGIE's) secret!"
+This really splendid flash of humour will bear polishing--as written
+it seems a little in the rough. You may refer to the Primate's
+universally acknowledged partiality for quiet sarcasm, by saying that
+"ever since he joined the ecclesiastical Bench he has been known as
+an _arch_ Bishop!" These entertaining quibbles, delicately handled,
+should be received with enthusiasm at a five o'clock tea in a Deanery.
+
+_The New Play at the Haymarket_.--As the plot turns upon the doings of
+the Society of Friends, you may extract a jest by saying "that many
+of the characters trembled with anxiety before its production--in
+fact, were _quakers_!" The name of the Manager of the Haymarket has
+frequently been the subject of a quip, if not a crank; still it may
+yet serve as a peg for slyly observing that, "At the fall of the
+Curtain, TREE, naturally enough, appeared with a _bough_!"
+
+_The Weather_.--Of course you must introduce this subject, and as
+everything that _can_ be said _has_ been said about it, you may quote
+SYDNEY SMITH as your authority for observing, that the only possible
+sport for M.F.H.'s at this time of the year must be "_hunt--the
+slipper!_" If the point of this "good thing" is not immediately
+obvious, the fault will be with SIDNEY SMITH, and not with you.
+And this quaint oddity should satiate your audience with mirth and
+merriment until next week--and even longer!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A COLD RECEPTION: OR PARLIAMENT MEETING IN A BLIZZARD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STILL ANOTHER CHAPTER OF MY MEMOIR.
+
+(_IN SUPPLEMENT OF "HARPER."_)
+
+BY MONSIEUR VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Forget at this moment where I was born, but I lived long enough at
+Marseilles to be married in that great southern French city. My wife's
+father had been in the Marines; her uncle (on the grandfather's side)
+had been a _Sapeur pompier_. Thus did I, as it were, become _lié_ with
+the sea and land forces of my adopted country. My wife's mother was
+a descendant of a noble but anonymous family in the Vosges, whilst
+her maternal uncle was accustomed to attach to himself some local
+unpopularity by preferring for investigation a complicated sheet which
+set forth his genealogy, tracing his origin back to the Bourbons.
+
+You ask me which Bourbon? I frankly answer, I cannot tell. My wife's
+maternal uncle spoke of them as "_the_ Bourbons," just as you talk
+of "_the_ Groceries," and no one asks you _Lequel_? As for my own
+ancestry, I do not speak of it. I have never been in the habit of
+thrusting myself on the attention of the public. It is sufficient
+for me that my wife's maternal uncle's ancestors were Bourbons.
+
+I first began to take charge of public affairs in connection with
+an election that took place in the city where I found myself. M.
+DE LESSEPS opposed THIERS and GAMBETTA. He presented himself as an
+independent candidate. Was he? I suspected. Already I had my secret
+agents in every centre of population. One, whose letter bore the
+post-mark the Pyramids, placed in my hand proof that DE LESSEPS was an
+official candidate of the Empire. I secretly conveyed this information
+to a local newspaper. The news burst like a tempest on the public of
+Marseilles, and swept away in its irresistible whirl the candidature
+of M. DE LESSEPS.
+
+This was pretty well for a first newspaper paragraph, worth at the
+time, as I remember thinking, more than the paltry three sous a line
+that became my due. But I had made more than a few sous--I had made an
+enemy! Years after, BISMARCK told me how, chatting with NAPOLEON THE
+THIRD at Donchery, that fallen monarch had recalled this incident, in
+which his prophetic eye justly discerned the beginning of the end. He
+admitted that he had said to the EMPRESS, "France is too small for me
+and VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP. One of us must cross _la Manche_."
+
+Sublime! One of us did.
+
+But my time was not yet. My friends advised, nay, besought me to leave
+Marseilles. Towards the end of this year (1869) I took their advice,
+and retired to a small property I chanced to have in the centre of
+the Landes. This place being dry, and somewhat remote, was peculiarly
+suitable for watching the growth of great problems with a mind
+unbiassed by any knowledge of facts. I saw the Franco-German question
+grow, and I foresaw how it would end. I wrote to THIERS, and told
+him all about it. When the war broke out I mounted my stilts, and
+cautiously made my way across the untrodden track, following my
+Destiny. I had predicted the downfall of the Empire, and, in its last
+gasp, the Empire strove to wither me. Proceedings had been commenced,
+when Sedan put an end to them.
+
+At this epoch France was on her knees, beaten down by the German hand,
+her eyes blind with blood and tears. One thing alone could cheer her.
+I could do it, and I did. I applied for Letters of Naturalisation.
+Some weeks later I became a French citizen, and received a letter from
+M. ADOLPH CRÉMIEUX, then Minister of Justice, and never suspected
+of being a wag. He wrote: "Your application for Naturalisation in
+the midst of our great disasters, is for me the signal of a new life
+for us. A country which in the midst of such catastrophes recruits
+citizens like you, is not to be despaired of."
+
+Years after, THIERS, then President of the Republic, said, "I
+never will forget that you became a Frenchman in the time of our
+misfortunes." EDMUND ABOUT picturesquely said, "_Il s'est fait
+naturaliser vaincu._" BISMARCK has told me that the Emperor WILLIAM,
+then at Versailles, in the first flush of triumph at touch on his brow
+of the Imperial diadem, hearing of the event through the capturing
+of a balloon despatched with the news to dolorous Paris, passed a
+sleepless night.
+
+"I fear me" he said, "all will now be lost."
+
+"Not at all, your Majesty," said BISMARCK, affecting an indifference
+he assures me he did not feel. "There is not even a Frenchman the
+more. They have lost an Emperor and gained VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP.
+_Ce met égal._"
+
+"Not quite," said the Emperor, with subtle flattery. The Emperor
+WILLIAM, though he had his failings, was a keen judge of the
+comparative value of men.
+
+The limits of this article compel me to glance hastily over succeeding
+epochs in a career with the main drift of which the civilised world
+is already familiar. After saving Marseilles to the Republic, by a
+series of actions alternating between desperate valour and brilliant
+strategy, I went to Paris to report on the great event. Calling on the
+official entrusted with the duty of considering claims to decorations,
+I began at once by saying that my own name must not be taken into
+consideration.
+
+"Let my name," I said, gently but firmly, "be scored out in the
+proposed list of decorations."
+
+"_Mais, Monsieur_" he said, "there is no such list."
+
+I, however, was not to be put off with excuse of that kind. I
+insisted, both to the Secretary of the Minister of War, to M. THIERS,
+that I should not be decorated. I was only too successful. When the
+list came out, all my associates at Marseilles were decorated. I was
+not included. This was all right. It was what I had requested. I could
+say nothing. All the same, I could not help thinking that my advice
+had been too literally accepted.
+
+Every morning, for a week after, I called on M. THIERS. At the end
+of the sixth day he said, "You must go to Riga. I do not quite know
+where it is, but it sounds remote. You shall be Consul at Riga." I was
+delighted. Like the President, I was not sure where Riga was; but the
+salary was certain, and there was fine old Roman flavour about the
+title Consul.
+
+But it was not to be. I was predestined to be a great Newspaper
+Correspondent. How that came about cannot be told in this chapter. I
+will only say that early in my new career I secured the approbation of
+Mr. DELANE, who, I need scarcely say, was the most competent judge the
+world ever saw of the merits of a journalist.
+
+At the risk of being dry and bald, I have confined myself to telling
+accurately what has happened, my greatest ambition being to leave no
+one the chance of misrepresenting, as his whim, fancy, or passion may
+dictate, facts in which I am so deeply interested. Let those note
+them who, after my time, have to defend my memory should it ever be
+attacked.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "The Shinner Quartette;" or, Musical Football.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MORE HONOURED IN THE BREACH THAN THE OBSERVANCE."--Breach of Promise
+cases--as a rule.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GENERAL VIEW OF "PRIVATE INQUIRY."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I am sufficiently old-fashioned, when I go to the play, to wish to
+be amused. I frankly admit I do not care to be taught a lesson, or to
+have my mind harrowed by the presentation of some psychological study.
+I can remember WRIGHT, and even HARLEY, and the days when a good
+piece of fun was the last item of the programme at the Adelphi and
+the Olympic--the chief attraction of the Pittites, who patronised
+"half-price." This being so, I am glad to find at the Strand--a
+theatre recalling memories of JIMMY ROGERS and JOHNNY CLARKE, PATTY
+OLIVER and CHARLOTTE SAUNDERS, to say nothing of a lady who was not
+only Queen of Comedy but Empress of Burlesque--"_Private Inquiry_," a
+thoroughly well acted and rattling farce in three Acts. It is from the
+French, but as the task of adaptation has been entrusted to the Author
+who turned _Bébé_ the Frisky into _Betsy_ the Wholesome, any scruples
+of conscience that the LORD CHAMBERLAIN may possibly have entertained
+on reading the original have been successfully removed, and the play,
+consequently, is not only highly entertaining, but absolutely free
+from offence. I did not see it until it had reached its eighth night,
+and I do not remember a piece, taken as a whole, so excellently acted.
+Although he does not appear until the Second Act, Mr. WILLIE EDOUIN,
+as _'Arry 'Ooker_, the Private Inquiry Agent, is _the_ feature of the
+performance. His politeness to ladies, his assumption of businesslike
+habits, suggested by his reading and spiking of bogus telegrams
+brought to him when he is engaged with a client, his urbanity under
+difficulties, and his cheerful acceptance of the inevitable in
+whatever shape presented, are all admirable points, and points that
+are fully appreciated by the audience. Roars of laughter follow the
+one after the other when _'Arry 'Ooker_ is on the stage. Nothing can
+be more absurd than his make-up, his bows, his grimaces, and yet under
+the surface there is a vein of pathos that causes one to feel a pang
+of genuine regret when the poverty-stricken, light-hearted rogue, who,
+if he cannot secure a hundred guineas, is equally ready to accept a
+"tenner," is marched oft to penal servitude as the Curtain falls. The
+clerk of this entertaining individual, _Toby_, is played by a boy like
+a boy, by Master Buss. Farther, Mr. ALFRED MALTBY could not be better
+as the suspicious and bamboozled husband, _Richard Wrackham_. Again,
+even the small part of _Alexander_, a Waiter, is well played. Once
+more--the ladies, without exception, are capital; and as a result of
+this all-round excellence, the piece "goes," from a quarter to nine
+till just eleven, with a _verve_ that must be most satisfactory to
+all concerned. So I can congratulate the Author upon a piece full of
+lines that tell, and the Manager upon a play that is likely to rival
+in popularity its predecessor, the phenomenally-successful _Our Flat._
+And I can offer these congratulations with a dear conscience, because
+I am neither Author of the piece nor Manager of the theatre, but as
+Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, QUITE ANOTHER FELLOW.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LARKS!
+
+SIR,--I am surprised that any of your Correspondents should doubt that
+birds eat snow. There is a bull-finch in my aviary, and I tried him.
+He ate it ravenously. Strange to say, he has not uttered a sound
+since! My wife says, "Probably his _pipe_ is frozen." This is such a
+good joke, I think you ought to have it.
+
+Yours, LOVER OF NATURE.
+
+
+SIR,--You may like to have the following story in support of the idea
+that animals are aware that snow is frozen water. It was related to
+me by a rather rackety nephew, who has lived part of his life in South
+America, and whose word can be strictly relied on. He relates that
+once, when he was travelling among the Andes, at an elevation of some
+twenty thousand feet, his mules became very thirsty, and no water was
+obtainable. Each animal seized a _calabash_ with its teeth, filled it
+with snow, and trotted off to the crater of an adjacent volcano; it
+then waited till the lava melted the snow, which it drank up, and
+finally trotted back again. My nephew says he should not have believed
+a mule could be so clever, if he had not seen it.
+
+Yours obediently, SAMUEL SOBERSIDES.
+
+
+SIR,--Since writing you that letter about our bull-finch, I have
+discovered an even more surprising fact, which I am sure no Naturalist
+has yet dreamed of. Not only do birds appreciate snow, but they are
+very fond of _iced beverages_. A tom-tit, who often drinks water from
+a saucer which we put on our window-sill, one day found the water
+frozen. What did the intelligent creature do? Why, it rapped on the
+window-pane with its beak till the window was opened, then hopped on
+to the sideboard, and began trying to peck the cork out of a whiskey
+bottle! I took the hint, and poured some of the spirit into the
+saucer; the bird drank it greedily! My wife's comment on this
+occurrence is really too good to be lost, so I send it you. She said,
+"Evidently the bird was not a _tomtitotaller_!"
+
+Yours, in convulsions, LOVER OF NATURE (_as before_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PINT OF HALF-AND-HALF.
+
+  "'_Qui va la?_' says he."
+  "'_Je_,' replies I, knowing the language."
+              "_Jeames" and another Old Story_.
+
+The international susceptibilities of Sheriff DRURIOLANUS--henceforth
+to bear the Anglo-French title, _Monsieur le Shérif 'Arris de Paris_,
+or _'Arry de Parry_,--appear to have been considerably hurt by a
+statement in the _Débats_ to the effect that the appearance in the
+London streets of men dressed as Gendarmes--"_en gendarmes français_,"
+writes MOSSOO DRURIOLANE--intended as perambulating advertisements for
+the Waterloo Panorama, was due to a supreme effort of his managerial
+genius. So Shérif DRURIOLANE wrote at once to the London Correspondent
+of the _Figaro_, who bears the singularly French name of JOHNSON,
+denying, in his very best French, that he, M. le Shérif, had had
+anything to do with these walking advertisements, or, indeed, with the
+Panorama Company at all, from which he had retired a year ago. Then he
+adds, like the _preux chevalier_ he is known to be, that had he still
+been on the direction of the aforesaid _Compagnie_, he, at all events,
+would never, never have committed the enormity of even suggesting,
+however vaguely, an idea so calculated to needlessly insult "_les
+susceptibilités françaises_." ("_Hear! hear!_" and "_Très bien!_"
+from the left.) Then M. le Shérif DRURIOLANE, rising to the occasion,
+finishes with this magnificent flourish on the French horn--"_Je
+suit né en France_"--(Isn't it very much "to his credit," we ask
+with W.S.G., that, "In spite of all temptations, To belong to other
+nations, He remains an Englishman?" Why, certainly)--"_j'ai vécu parmi
+les Français, et je suis à moitié enfant de Paris_."
+
+Beautiful! _Magnifique!_ Our DRURIOLANUS is surpassing even the
+G.O.M., who has been born, more or less, everywhere, except in
+Paris. Should the Republic be in danger, or should Monarchists
+or Imperialists get a chance and want a man for the place, let
+them wire to DRURIOLANUS, "_à moitié enfant de Paris_" and the
+"_Enfant_"--"_Enfant_ ARRIS," not "_Enfant_ GATTI"--will be ready, aye
+ready, to assume the purple, and to bring all his properties with him.
+"_À moitié_"--and the other half? That will ever remain British. So _à
+la santé de Monsieur le Shérif-enfant-de-Londres-et-Paris_, in a pint
+of Half-and-half, and let it, like Le Shérif himself, have a good head
+on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROLLING OF THE R'S.
+
+    "We are told that the omission to roll it (the letter _r_) is as
+    flagrant a misdemeanor as the dropping of the _h_."--_James Payn
+    in the Illustrated News_.
+
+AIR--"_THE WEARING OF THE GREEN_."
+
+_SOFT-SPOKEN PERSON SINGS:--_
+
+  It's vewy wong, widiculous, and howwid, I've no doubt,
+    To leave that little letter _r_ unuttahed or unwolled;
+  But if you _haven't_ any _r_'s you've got to do without,
+    And I can no maw woll _my r_'s than dwink my clawet cold.
+  A Dowie wuggedness of speech I weally _can't_ attain,
+    And though gwammawians may wave in leadewetts and pars,
+  I quite agwee with good JAMES PAYN that all their wow is vain,
+    The angwy wout must do without "the wolling of the _r_'s!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAGIOLOGICAL AND HISTORICAL NOTE.--Dr. HAROLD BROWNE, "the retiring
+Bishop" of Winchester, as he is called, on account of his innate
+modesty, wrote to the people of Farnham to say that, "never was there
+a Bishop since the time of his earliest predecessor in the See, St.
+Swithin, more literally 'at home' at Farnham Castle than himself."
+To this fact Dr. H.B. is, perhaps, unaware that the Saint in question
+owed his name, as when any visitor called to ask if he were at home,
+the Hall-porter of the period invariably answered, "Yes, Saint's
+within." Dr. HAROLD BROWNE is welcome to this information, which ought
+to have been in _Notes and Queries_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is said that the invitations for the Drury Lane celebration of
+Twelfth Night will not be sent out with so free a hand next year, the
+young men on the recent occasion having been so Baddeley behaved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100., Jan. 24, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12872 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12872 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>January 24, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page37"
+       id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. XII.&mdash;THE MATE OF THE MARLINSPIKE.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By</i> SHARK MUSSELL; <i>Author of "Erect with a Stove
+    in Her," "My Gyp made to wheeze," "The Romance of a Penny
+    Parlour," "A Hook for the Bannock," "Found the Gal on Fire,"
+    "The Mystery of the Lotion Jar," "The Jokes o' Lead," &amp;c.,
+    &amp;c., &amp;c.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>["Here you are, my hearty," writes the Author, "this is
+        a regular briny ocean story, all storms and thunderclaps
+        and sails and rigging and soaring masts and bellying sails.
+        How about 'avast heaving' and 'shiver my timbers,' and 'son
+        of a sea-cook,' and all that? No, thank you; that kind of
+        thing's played out. MARRYAT was all very well <i>in his
+        day</i>, but that day's gone. The public requires stories
+        about merchant ships, and, by Neptune, the public shall
+        have them, with all kinds of hairy villains and
+        tempest-tossed wrecks and human interest and no end of
+        humour, likewise word-pictures of ships and storms. That's
+        me. So clear the decks, and here goes."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>
+
+    <p>We were in mid-ocean. Over the vast expanses of the oily sea
+    no ripple was to be seen although Captain BABBIJAM kept his
+    binoculars levelled at the silent horizon for three-quarters of
+    an hour by the saloon clock. Far away in the murky distance of
+    the mysterious empyrean, a single star flashed with a weird
+    brilliance down upon the death-like stillness of the immemorial
+    ocean. Yet the good old <i>Marlinspike</i> was rolling from
+    side to side and rising and falling as if the liquid expanse
+    were stirred by the rush of a tempest instead of lying as
+    motionless as a country congregation during the rector's
+    sermon. Suddenly Captain BABBIJAM closed his binoculars with an
+    angry snap, and turned to me. His face showed of a dark purple
+    under his white cotton night-cap.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/37.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/37.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"The silly old ship," he muttered, half to himself and half
+    to me, "is trying to make heavy weather of it; but I'll be even
+    with her. I'll be even with her."</p>
+
+    <p>"You'll find it a very <i>odd</i> thing to do," I said to
+    him, jocosely.</p>
+
+    <p>He sprang at me like a seahorse, and reared himself to his
+    full height before me.</p>
+
+    <p>"Come, Mr. TUGLEY," he continued, speaking in a low, meaning
+    voice, "can you take a star?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Sometimes," I answered, humouring his strange fancy; "but
+    there's only one about, and it seems a deuce of a long way
+    off&mdash;however, I'll try;" and, with that, I reached my arm
+    up in the direction of the solitary planet, which lay in the
+    vast obscure like a small silver candlestick, with a greenish
+    tinge in its icy sparkling, mirrored far below in the indigo
+    flood of the abysmal sea, while a grey scud came sweeping up,
+    no one quite knew whence, and hung about the glossy face of the
+    silent luminary like the shreds of a wedding veil, scattered by
+    a honey-moon quarrel across the deep spaces far beyond the
+    hairy coamings of the booby-hatch.</p>
+
+    <p>"Fool!" said the Captain, softly, "I don't mean that. If you
+    can't take a star, can you keep a watch?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, as to that, Captain," said I, half shocked and half
+    amused at his strange questionings, "I never take my own out in
+    a crowd. It's one of DENT's best, given me by my aunt, and I've
+    had it for nigh upon&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>But the Captain had left me, and was at that moment engaged
+    on his after-supper occupation of jockeying a lee yard-arm,
+    while the first mate, Mr. SOWSTER, was doing his best to keep
+    up with his rough commanding officer by dangling to windward on
+    the flemish horse, which, as it was touched in the wind and
+    gone in the forelegs, stumbled violently over the buttery
+    hatchway and hurled its venturesome rider into the hold.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+    <p>On the following morning we were all sitting in the palatial
+    saloon of the <i>Marlinspike</i>. We were all there, all the
+    characters, that is to say, necessary for the completion of a
+    first class three-volume ocean novel. On my right sat the
+    cayenne-peppery Indian Colonel, a small man with a fierce face
+    and a tight collar, who roars like a bull and says, "Zounds,
+    Sir," on the slightest provocation. Opposite to him was his
+    wife, a Roman-nosed lady, with an imperious manner, and a
+    Colonel-subduing way of curling her lip. On my left was the
+    funny man. As usual he was of a sea-green colour, and might be
+    expected at any moment to stagger to a porthole and call
+    faintly for the steward. Further down the table sat two young
+    nincompoops, brought on board specially in order that they
+    might fulfil their destiny, and fill out my story, by falling
+    in love with the fluffy-haired English girl who was sitting
+    between them, and pouting equally and simultaneously at both.
+    There was also the stout German who talks about "de sturm und
+    der vafes." And beside him was the statuesque English beauty,
+    whose eyes are of the rich blackness of the tropic sky, whose
+    voice has a large assortment of sudden notes of haughtiness,
+    while the studied insolence of her manner first freezes her
+    victims and then incontinently and inconsistently scorches
+    them. Eventually her proud spirit will be tamed, probably by a
+    storm, or a ship-wreck, or by ten days in an open boat. I shall
+    then secure your love, my peerless ARAMINTA, and you will marry
+    me and turn out as soft and gentle as the moss-rose which now
+    nestles in your raven tresses. The Colonel was speaking.</p>
+
+    <p>"Zounds, Sir!" he was saying. "I don't know what you mean by
+    effects. All mine are on board. What do you say, Mr. TUGLEY?"
+    he went on, looking at me with a look full of corkscrews and
+    broken glass, while his choleric face showed of a purple hue
+    under the effort of utterance.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, Colonel," I replied, in an off-hand way, so as not to
+    irritate him, "I keep my best effects here;" and, so saying, I
+    produced my note-book, and tapped it significantly. "What, for
+    instance, do you say to this?"</p>
+
+    <p>But, what follows, needs another chapter.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+    <p>I found the place in my notebook, cleared my voice, and
+    began. "The ship was sailing gloriously under a press of
+    canvas. Her foretopgallant-sail swelled to its cotton-like hue
+    out of the black shadow of its incurving. High aloft, the
+    swelling squares of her studding-sails gleamed in the misty
+    sheen of the pale luminary, flinging her frosty light from
+    point to point of the tapering masts, which rose, rose, rose
+    into the morning air, as though with intent to pierce the
+    glowing orb of day, poised in the heavens like one vast ball of
+    liquid fire. Through the wind-hushed spaces of the canvas,
+    where the foretopmaststay-sail&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"I know that foretopmaststay-sail," said the funny man,
+    suddenly. I withered him with a look, and turned over the
+    page.</p>
+
+    <p>"Here," I said, "is another tip-topper. What do you think of
+    this for a storm?&mdash;'The liquid acclivities were rising
+    taller, and more threatening. With a scream of passion the
+    tortured ship hurled itself at their deep-green crests.
+    Cascades of rain, and hail, and snow, were dashing down upon
+    her unprotected bulwarks. The inky sky was one vast
+    thunder-clap, out of which the steely shaft of an electric
+    flash pierced its dazzling path into the heart of the raving
+    deep. The scud&mdash;'</p>
+
+    <p>"I know that scud," said a hateful voice. But, before I
+    could annihilate its owner, the pale face of Mr. SPILKINGS,
+    with his dead-eyes turned in, dashed breathlessly into the
+    saloon. "By all that's holy," he shouted, "the Captain's gone
+    mad, and the crew have thrown off all disguise. We are manned
+    by ourang-outangs!"</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4>
+
+    <p>Never shall I forget the horrors of the scene that ensued.
+    We clewed up the mizzen royal, we lashed the foretop to make it
+    spin upon its heels. The second dog watch barked his shins to
+    the bone, and a tail of men hauled upon the halliards to
+    mast-head the yard. Nothing availed. We had to be wrecked and
+    wrecked we were, and as I clasped ARAMINTA's trustful head to
+    my breast, the pale luminary sailing through the angry wrack
+    glittered in phantasmal splendour on the scud which&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Here the MS. ends unaccountably.&mdash;ED.
+        <i>Punch</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38"
+       id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/38.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/38.png"
+             alt="AN INTERESTED PARTY." /></a>
+
+        <h3>AN INTERESTED PARTY.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>St. Bernard's Dog</i> (<i>confidentially to Mr.
+        Chaplin</i>). "NEVER MIND THE OLD WOMAN; LET'S KEEP THE
+        MUZZLE ON FOR A YEAR, AND HAVE DONE WITH IT!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page39"
+       id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span>
+
+    <h2>CANINE CONFIDENCES.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>Clever Dog, to the Minister of Agriculture,
+        loquitur</i>&mdash;</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>POTTERER, put the muzzle on! Potterer, take it off
+            again!</p>
+
+            <p><i>That</i> is not the way, my friend, cruel
+            <i>rabies</i> to restrain.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Take my tip!</p>
+
+            <p>As to self-styled "friends of dogs," too
+            preposterous by half,</p>
+
+            <p>Who object to all restraint, they deserve on seat or
+            calf</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">One sharp nip.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It is <i>doggish</i> interest hydrophobia to stamp
+            out;</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis a curse to us canines; that no person well can
+            doubt</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Who has sense.</p>
+
+            <p>They who think we doggies share old maid's
+            sentimental fad,</p>
+
+            <p>Just as though it really were a dog's
+            <i>privilege</i> to go mad,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Must be dense.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Muzzles are a bore, of course, rather troublesome at
+            times,</p>
+
+            <p>But I'd rather have my nose made incapable of
+            crimes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Than go free,</p>
+
+            <p>With the chance of "going off," giving friend or foe
+            a bite.</p>
+
+            <p>And be clubbed to death or shot, murdered in my
+            master's sight,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Don't suit <i>me</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Never mind the fussy frumps, the old women of each
+            sex;</p>
+
+            <p>Better raise their ready wrath than the prudent
+            public vex</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">With crass rules.</p>
+
+            <p>Muzzles now and collars then, partial orders soon
+            relaxed;</p>
+
+            <p>Men rebel when with caprice they are tied, or
+            teased, or taxed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Else they're fools.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Keep the muzzles on a year, regularly, and <i>all
+            round</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>Every doggy of high breed, mongrel puppy, whelp or
+            hound,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Will give thanks</p>
+
+            <p>To the Minister who tries hydrophobia to stamp
+            out</p>
+
+            <p>Once for all o'er all the land, with consistency,
+            and without</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Pottering pranks!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Mr. CHAPLIN, take my tip! Science speaks in the same
+            sense,</p>
+
+            <p>So does true philanthropy. Ought to have effect
+            immense,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">What they say.</p>
+
+            <p>Heed not that old woman there, with her spoilt and
+            yelping pet;</p>
+
+            <p>I for every dog of <i>nous</i> in the country speak,
+            you bet.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Try! <i>Good</i>-day!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Trots out, comfortably muzzled</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>MOST APPROPRIATE.&mdash;We see, from some recently-reported
+    proceedings, that the present Inspector appointed under the
+    Infant Life Protection Act is "Mr. BABEY."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/39.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/39.png"
+             alt="THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing
+        fondly at her own reflection, writes as
+        follows:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+        <p>"I look into the glass, Reader. What do I see?</p>
+
+        <p>"I see a pair of laughing, <i>espiègle</i>,
+        forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy and defiant; a <i>mutine</i>
+        little rose-bud of a mouth, with its ever-mocking
+        <i>moue</i>; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play
+        hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold;
+        while, from underneath the satin folds of a <i>rose-thé</i>
+        dressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in its
+        exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper," &amp;c.,
+        &amp;c.</p>
+
+        <p>(<i>Vide "Passionate Pauline," by Parbleu.</i>)</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A COMING MEETING.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Reported from the Railway Intelligence of
+    1892.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>The Chairman, who on opening the proceedings was received
+    with a feeble chorus of melancholy groans, said that he feared
+    he had no better Report to make to the shareholders. ("<i>Oh!
+    oh!</i>") It is true that he had one fact to mention, which was
+    a matter of supreme congratulation, and he needn't say that
+    that was that they hadn't yielded a single inch to the men.
+    ("<i>Oh! oh!" and a Voice, "Oh! we've had enough of
+    'that'!")</i> It is also true that this firm and unflinching
+    front had necessitated some sacrifice, and had involved the
+    Company in no little difficulty. (<i>Prolonged groans.</i>) He
+    was sorry to note these manifestations, for he had not only to
+    announce to that meeting the non-payment of any dividend, even
+    to the holders of the Company's Debenture Stock, but he had
+    further to inform them, that, owing to some difficulty in
+    settling the account of their coal contractors, these last had
+    taken proceedings against them, and had seized not only all the
+    contents of their refreshment-rooms, but also the whole of
+    their rolling-stock. (<i>Prolonged wailing.</i>) He grieved to
+    say that the last two engines that the Company possessed, and
+    which they had up to now hidden in the cloak-room at the
+    Edinburgh terminus, were unfortunately discovered and seized
+    last night. (<i>Groans.</i>) Still, the Company did not despair
+    of being able to carry on, at least, a portion of the Passenger
+    Traffic (<i>Feeble laughter.</i>) They might meet the statement
+    with a manifestation of ridicule&mdash;but such was the case.
+    It was with a sense of pride in their method of triumphing over
+    difficulties, that he announced to the meeting, that a train of
+    cattle-trucks would be started for the North daily at twelve
+    o'clock, the motive power of which would be the Directors
+    themselves. ("<i>Oh! oh!")</i> They could not say anything
+    about <i>the pace</i> at which the train would travel, but
+    that, <i>with time</i>, it would do the distance he had little,
+    if any doubt. It is true that in a similar experiment on a
+    neighbouring line the train came to a dead halt in the first
+    tunnel, and the passengers had to descend in the dark and grope
+    their way out to the nearest station as well as they could, but
+    this unsatisfactory experience would in no way deter them from
+    making the experiment on their own behalf. (<i>Jeers.</i>) He
+    was sorry to see that the ordinary stock of the Company, which,
+    a twelvemonth since, had touched 128-3/8,&mdash;could not now
+    find purchasers in the Market at 7-1/2. (<i>Groans.</i>) But he
+    hoped for better times. ("<i>Oh! oh!</i>") But, come what
+    would, he would hold fast by his principles, which were, "<i>No
+    Compromise, No Meeting Halfway, No Arbitration, No
+    Concession!</i>" Men might starve, Trade collapse, the Country
+    come to ruin, the Company disappear in Bankruptcy, but he cared
+    not. The Directors had put their foot down, and, whether right
+    or wrong, whatever happened, <i>there</i> they meant, with a
+    good down-right national and pig-headed obstinacy, to keep
+    it.</p>
+
+    <p>The Chairman was continuing in this strain, but, being
+    interrupted by a shower of inkstands, was compelled to close
+    his remarks, the proceedings coming to a somewhat abrupt
+    conclusion, in a scene of considerable confusion.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The "Strait" Tip.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, Mister BLAINE, we don't complain</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That for your country's weal you're
+            caring;</p>
+
+            <p>But, clever Yankee, <i>Punch</i> would thank 'ee</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Not to be quite so
+            <i>over-Behring!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NEW VERSION.&mdash;Every dog must have his&mdash;<i>year</i>
+    (of muzzling).</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40"
+       id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE GAME OF PEACE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/40.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>April</i>.&mdash;Grand informal meeting of the Crowned
+    Heads of Europe (with the CZAR in the chair) to discuss a
+    scheme of general disarmament, at which the Emperor of GERMANY
+    creates a profound sensation by the announcement that, as a
+    hint to his brother Monarchs, he has himself gone on to the
+    retired list, burnt his cocked-hat, disbanded the Pomeranian
+    Grenadiers, and confined Herr KRUPP for ten years in a
+    second-class fortress.</p>
+
+    <p><i>May</i>.&mdash;By arrangement, all the great powers call
+    in the uniforms of all their troops and present them to the
+    King of the BELGIANS, on the understanding that, as the Emperor
+    of the Congo, he shall forthwith transport them to Africa, and
+    instantly commence the clothing of seven millions of the naked
+    native population.</p>
+
+    <p><i>June</i>.&mdash;One hundred and eighty thousand horses,
+    with military training, coming suddenly on to the market,
+    four-in-hand Hansoms at a penny an hour, become common in all
+    the great European capitals, and the Derby, for which there are
+    1371 entries, is won by a Cossack pony, trained in Siberia.</p>
+
+    <p><i>July</i>.&mdash;The barrels of all the magazine rifles
+    melted down, and recast, utilised for the production of
+    type-writers, which, being produced in large quantities, are
+    supplied with instruction gratis to all the children attending
+    the establishments of the London School Board, the stocks of
+    the rifles being utilised for the manufacture of billiard-cues,
+    walking-sticks, and umbrella-handles.</p>
+
+    <p><i>August</i>.&mdash;It being resolved to use up all the
+    gunpowder without delay, a perpetual display of fireworks is
+    inaugurated at Vienna, St. Petersburg, Berlin, Paris, and
+    London, the show in the last-named capital including a gigantic
+    set-piece of the Fifteen Decisive Battles of the World, which
+    is given five times successively every evening at the Crystal
+    Palace for three months, Piccadilly being illuminated from 6
+    P.M. to 3 A.M. by the continuous discharge of coloured
+    rockets.</p>
+
+    <p><i>September</i>.&mdash;The last 101-ton gun having been
+    melted down for the forging of the metal piles for one of the
+    four newly-projected Channel bridges, a nasty international
+    feeling, fermented by General Officers who are obliged to sweep
+    crossings and drive four-wheeled cabs for a
+    livelihood,&mdash;and who do not like it,&mdash;begins to
+    manifest itself, and diplomacy intervening irritably only to
+    make matters worse, several ultimatums are dispatched from some
+    of the Great Powers to others, but owing to the want of
+    soldiers, the matter is put into the hands of International
+    Solicitors, who, arranging a stand-up fight for the President
+    of the French Republic and the CZAR against the Emperors of
+    GERMANY and AUSTRIA, and the KING of ITALY, the matter somehow
+    falls through for the moment, and the public excitement
+    subsides.</p>
+
+    <p><i>October</i>.&mdash;General note from all the Great Powers
+    to each other announcing their secession from the "League of
+    Peace," and declaring their intention of resorting again to
+    "<i>Protective Armament</i>" as soon as possible. War declared
+    all round before the end of the month.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2>
+
+    <h3>AT THE GUELPH EXHIBITION.</h3>
+
+    <h4>IN THE CENTRAL HALL.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>A Thrifty Visitor</i> (<i>on entering</i>). Catalogue?
+    No. What's the use of a Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of
+    a tract, that tells you nothing you don't know!</p>
+
+    <p><i>His Wife</i> (<i>indicating a pile of Catalogues on
+    table</i>). Aren't <i>these</i> big enough for you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Thr. V.</i> Those? Why, they're big enough for the
+    <i>London Directory</i>! Think I'm going to drag a thing like
+    that about the place? You don't really want a
+    Catalogue&mdash;it's all your fancy!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Prattler</i> (<i>to</i> Miss AMMERSON). Oh, <i>do</i>
+    stop and look at these <i>sweet</i> goldfish! Pets! Don't you
+    <i>love</i> them? <i>Aren't</i> they tame?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Ammerson</i>. Wouldn't do to have them
+    <i>wild</i>&mdash;might jump out and <i>bite</i> people, you
+    know!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> It's <i>too</i> horrid of you to make fun of
+    my poor little enthusiasms! But really,&mdash;couldn't we get
+    something and feed them?&mdash;<i>Do</i> let's!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss A.</i> I daresay you could get ham-sandwiches in the
+    Restaurant&mdash;or chocolates.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> How unkind you are to me! But I don't care.
+    (<i>Wilfully.</i>) I shall come here all by myself, and bring
+    biscuits. Great big ones! Are you determined to take me into
+    that big room with all the Portraits? Well, you must tell me
+    who they all are then, and which are the Guelphiest ones.</p>
+
+    <h4>IN THE ROYAL ROOM.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Considerate Niece</i> (<i>to</i> Uncle). They seem mostly
+    Portraits here. You're sure you don't <i>mind</i> looking at
+    them, Uncle? I know so many people <i>do</i> object to
+    Portraits.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Uncle</i> (<i>with the air of a Christian Martyr</i>).
+    No, my dear, no: <i>I</i> don't mind 'em. Stay here as long as
+    you like, I'll sit down and look at the people, till you've
+    done.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First Critical Visitor</i> (<i>examining a View of St.
+    James's Park</i>). I wonder where that was taken. In Scotland,
+    I expect&mdash;there's two Highlanders there, you see.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second C.V.</i> Shouldn't wonder&mdash;lot o' work in
+    that, all those different colours, and so many dresses.
+    [<i>Admires, thoughtfully.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>A Well-read Woman</i>. That's Queen CHARLOTTE, that is.
+    GEORGE THE THIRD's wife, you know&mdash;her that was so
+    <i>domestic</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Companion</i>. Wasn't that the one that was shut up
+    in the Tower, or something?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The W.W.</i> In the Tower? Lor, my dear, no, <i>I</i>
+    never 'eard of it. You're thinking of the TUDORS, or some o'
+    that lot, I expect!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Comp.</i> Am I? I daresay. I never <i>could</i>
+    remember 'Istry. Why, if you'll believe me, I always have to
+    stop and think which of the GEORGES came first!</p>
+
+    <p><i>More Critical Visitors</i> (<i>before Portraits</i>).
+    He's rather pleasant-looking, don't you think? I <i>don't</i>
+    like <i>her</i> face at all. So peculiar. And what a hideous
+    dress&mdash;like a tea-gown without any upper
+    part&mdash;frightful!</p>
+
+    <p><i>A Sceptical V.</i> They all seem to have had such thin
+    lips in those days. Somehow, I <i>can't</i> bring myself to
+    believe in such very thin lips&mdash;can <i>you</i>, dear?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Friend</i>. I always think it's a sign of meanness,
+    myself.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.V.</i> No; but I mean&mdash;I can't believe
+    <i>everyone</i> had them in the eighteenth century.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Friend</i>. Oh, I don't know. If it was the
+    fashion!</p>
+
+    <h4>ABOUT THE CASES.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Visitor</i> (<i>admiring an embroidered waistcoat of the
+    time of</i> GEORGE THE SECOND&mdash;<i>a highly popular
+    exhibit</i>). What lovely work! Why, it looks as if it was done
+    yesterday!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Companion</i> (<i>who is not in the habit of allowing
+    his enthusiasm to run away with him</i>). Um&mdash;yes, it's
+    not bad. But, of course, they wouldn't send a thing like that
+    here without having it washed and done up first!</p>
+
+    <p><i>An Old Lady</i>. "Tea-pot used by the Duke of WELLINGTON
+    during his campaigns." So he drank <i>tea</i>, did he? Dear me!
+    Do you know, my dear, I think I must have <i>my</i> old tea-pot
+    engraved. It will make it so much more interesting some
+    day!</p>
+
+    <h4>IN THE SOUTH GALLERY.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Prattler</i> (<i>before a Portrait of</i> Lady
+    HAMILTON, <i>by</i> ROMNEY). There! Isn't she too charming? I
+    do call her a perfect <i>duck</i>.'</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Ammerson</i>. Yes, you mustn't forget her when you
+    bring those biscuits.</p>
+
+    <p><i>An Amurrcan Girl</i>. Father, see up there; there's
+    BYRON. Did you erver see such a purrfectly beautiful face?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Father</i> (<i>solemnly</i>). He was a beautiful
+    <i>Man</i>&mdash;a beautiful Poet.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The A.G.</i> I know&mdash;but the <i>expression</i>, it's
+    real saint-like!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Father</i> (<i>slowly</i>). Well, I guess if he'd had any
+    different kind of expression, he wouldn't have written the
+    things he <i>did</i> write, and that's a fact!</p>
+
+    <p><i>A Moralising Old Lady</i> (<i>at Case O</i>). No. 1260.
+    "Ball of Worsted wound by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet, for Mrs.
+    UNWIN." NO. 1261. "Netting done by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet."
+    How very nice, and what a difference in the habit of literary
+    persons <i>nowadays</i>, my dear!</p>
+
+    <h4>IN THE CENTRAL HALL.&mdash;Mr. WHITEROSE, <i>a Jacobite</i>
+    fin de siècle, <i>is seated on a Bench beside a</i> Seedy
+    Stranger.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> (<i>half to himself</i>). Har, well, there's
+    one comfort, these 'ere GUELPHS'll get notice to quit afore
+    we're <i>much</i> older!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Whiterose</i> (<i>surprised</i>). You say so?
+    Then&mdash;you too are of the Young England Party! I am
+    rejoiced to hear it. You cheer me; it is a sign that the good
+    Cause is advancing.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> Advancin'? I believe yer. Why, I know a
+    dozen and more as are workin' 'art and soul for it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> You do? We are making strides, indeed! Our
+    England has suffered these usurpers too long.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> Yer right. But we'll chuck 'em out afore
+    long, and it'll be "Over goes the Show" with the lot, eh?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> I had no idea that
+    the&mdash;er&mdash;intelligent artisan classes were so heartily
+    with us. We must talk more of this. Come and see me. Bring your
+    friends&mdash;all you can depend upon. Here is my card.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> (<i>putting the card in the lining of his
+    hat</i>). Right, Guv'nor; we'll come. I wish there was more
+    gents like yer, I do!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> We are united by a common bond. We both
+    detest&mdash;do we not?&mdash;the Hanoverian interlopers. We
+    are both pledged never to rest until we have brought back to
+    the throne of our beloved
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page41"
+       id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> England, her lawful sovereign
+       lady&mdash;(<i>uncovering</i>)&mdash;our gracious MARY of
+       Austria-Este, the legitimate descendant of CHARLES the
+       Blessed Martyr!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> 'Old on, Guv'nor! Me and my friends are with
+    yer so fur as doing away with these 'ere hidle GUELPHS; but
+    blow yer MARY of Orstria, yer know. Blow <i>'er</i>!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> (<i>horrified</i>). Hush&mdash;this is rank
+    treason! Remember&mdash;she is the lineal descendant of the
+    House of Stuart!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> What of it? There won't be no lineal
+    descendants when we git <i>hour</i> way, 'cause there won't be
+    nothing to descend to nobody. The honly suv'rin <i>we</i> mean
+    to 'ave is the People&mdash;the Democrisy. But there, you're
+    young, me and my friends'll soon tork you over to hour way o'
+    thinking. I dessay we ain't fur apart, as it is. I got yer
+    address, and we'll drop in on yer some night&mdash;never fear.
+    No hevenin' dress, o' course?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> Of course. I&mdash;I'll look out for you. But
+    I'm seldom in&mdash;hardly <i>ever</i>, in fact.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> Don't you fret about <i>that</i>. Me and my
+    friends ain't nothing partickler to do just now. We'll
+    <i>wait</i> for yer. I should like yer to know ole BILL GABB.
+    You should 'ear <i>that</i> feller goin' on agin the GUELPHS
+    when he's 'ad a little booze&mdash;it 'ud do your 'art good!
+    Well, I on'y come in 'ere as a deligate like, to report, and I
+    seen enough. So 'ere's good-day to yer.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> (<i>alone</i>). I shall have to change my
+    rooms&mdash;and I <i>was</i> so comfortable! Well,
+    well,&mdash;another sacrifice to the Cause!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/41.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/41.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>There was a bronze group by POLLET among the specimens of
+    sculpture in the French <i>Salon</i>, some twenty years
+    ago,&mdash;"It may be more or less an hour or so," as the poet
+    sings,&mdash;representing a female form being carried upwards
+    in the embrace of a rather evil-looking Angel. It illustrated a
+    poem by the Vicomte ALFRED DE VIGNY, which I remember reading,
+    in consequence of this very statue having come into my
+    possession (it was afterwards sold at Messrs. CHRISTIE, MANSON
+    &amp; WOODS, under the style and title of "Lot 121,
+    <i>Elsa</i>"), and it occurs to me that it was on precisely the
+    same theme as the other ALFRED's&mdash;not the <i>Vicomte</i>
+    but <i>Mister</i> ALFRED AUSTIN's&mdash;"<i>The Tower of
+    Babel</i>," which I have just read with much pleasure, and,
+    with some profit; the moral, as I take it, being favourable to
+    the Temperance cause, as a warning against all spirits, good,
+    bad, or indifferent. <i>Afrael</i>, the inhabitant of a distant
+    star, falls in love with <i>Noema</i>, the wife of the
+    atheistical Babelite <i>Aran</i>, to whom she has borne a son,
+    aged in the poem, as far as I can make out, about eight years,
+    and a fine boy for that. Anyhow, it makes <i>Noema</i> at least
+    twenty-five, supposing she married at sweet seventeen, and,
+    indeed, she alludes to herself in the poem as no longer in her
+    first youth.</p>
+
+    <p>Well, <i>Aran</i>, who is very far from being a domestic
+    character, is struck down by avenging lightning at the
+    destruction of the Tower of Babel, and <i>Noema</i> is left a
+    widow, with her child, who has been protected in the
+    <i>mêlée</i> by the Spirit <i>Afrael's</i> taking him out of
+    it, and restoring him to his mother's arms. When, after this,
+    the infatuated spirit-lover <i>Afrael</i> requests <i>Noema</i>
+    to say the word which shall make a man of him, and a husband of
+    him too at the same time, she modestly refuses, until she has
+    had a decent time to order her widow's weeds at her milliner's
+    and wear them for about a month or so, at the expiration of
+    which interval <i>Afrael</i> may, if he be still of the same
+    mind, call in again, and pop the question.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Afrael</i> bids good-bye to the Upper House, and, his
+    heart being ever true to <i>Poll</i>&mdash;meaning
+    <i>Noema</i>&mdash;he returns, makes an evening call upon her,
+    and asks her, in effect, "Is it to be '<i>Yes-ema</i>,' or
+    '<i>No-ema</i>'?" The bashful widow chooses the former, and the
+    Spirit-lover <i>Afrael</i>, renouncing his immortality,
+    <i>i.e.</i>, giving up spirits, becomes plain <i>Mr.
+    Afrael</i>, and an ordinary, as far as anybody can judge, a
+    very ordinary mortal, showing what a change a drop of spirits
+    can effect in a constitution. Now I should like the poem
+    "continued in our next." I should like to hear <i>how</i> they
+    got on together: and, as longevity was considerable in those
+    patriarchal days, I should like to know how they got on
+    together when <i>Afrael Esquire</i> was 195, and his wife,
+    <i>Noema</i>, was 200. Did <i>Afrael</i> never again take to
+    his spirits? Or, did he become miserable and hipped having
+    entirely lost his spirits? Did his wife never make sarcastic
+    reference to the "stars" with whom he had formerly been
+    acquainted? And how about her boy, his step-son? Did they have
+    any family? Whence came the money?</p>
+
+    <p>Perhaps Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN (whose works are being printed by
+    MACMILLAN in a collected form, and among them <i>The Satire</i>
+    now historic) will give us an entirely new volume on the same
+    subject, telling an expectant public all about <i>Mr.</i> and
+    <i>Mrs. Afrael chez eux</i>, and, in fact, something spicy
+    about this strangely assorted couple; for Poet ALFRED will do
+    well to remember and act upon his own dictum when, in the
+    preface to <i>The Satire</i>, he observed, and with truth, that
+    had he originally "written with the grave decorum of a secluded
+    moralist, he would" by this time "have gone down into the limbo
+    of forgotten bores."</p>
+
+    <p>Into that limbo A.A. will never descend. It is delightful to
+    find him dedicating his book to Lord LYTTON, to whom&mdash;when
+    L.L. was OWEN MEREDITH, ALFREDO <i>mio</i> had pointed out
+    that, "in one serious particular, he had overlooked parental
+    admonition," and observing on that occasion that, "had OWEN
+    MEREDITH even a glimpse of the truth, we" (A.A. himself, in
+    1861, much "we"-er then than now&mdash;"<i>et alors, il
+    grandira, il grandira!</i>") "should have been spared the final
+    <i>tableau</i> of repentance and forgiveness which concludes
+    <i>Lucile</i>." But, thank goodness, we (the Baron, and his
+    literary friends) have <i>not</i> been spared the touching
+    picture of repentance and forgiveness in ALFRED AUSTIN's
+    dedicating his latest poem to Lord LYTTON. <i>Sic transit ira
+    poetarum!</i></p>
+
+    <p>In <i>The Season</i> ALFREDO sang&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I claim the precious privilege of youth,</p>
+
+            <p>Never to speak except to speak the truth."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>But those lines were not written the day before yesterday,
+    and as he can no longer "claim" the aforesaid "precious
+    privilege," he can in his more mature years "go as he pleases."
+    And there is so much "go" in him that he always pleases; so the
+    Baron anticipates the sequel to <i>The Tower of Babel</i> on
+    the lines already suggested, presumptuous as it may seem to
+    suggest lines to a poet.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Phra the Phoenician</i>, a very clever idea, with which
+    BULWER would have performed mysteriously thrilling wonders, but
+    which Mr. ARNOLD has written at once too heavily and treated
+    too lightly, in too much of a "so-called nineteenth century
+    style;" which is a pity, as it is full of dramatic incident,
+    and the interest well kept up through some two thousand years
+    or so, more or less. He is a wonder is <i>Mister Phra</i>, and
+    might well be called <i>Phra Diavolo</i> instead of <i>Phra the
+    Phoenician</i>. Sir EDWIN ARNOLD has written a preface to the
+    volume, and seems to express a wish that the wonders here
+    recorded could be possibilities of everyday life. But, if so,
+    as <i>Mr. Weller, Senior</i>, observed, <i>à propos</i> of
+    "there being a Providence in it," "O' course there is, SAMMY;
+    or what 'ud become o' the undertakers?" And as to
+    cremation&mdash;well, such an utter corporeal extinction would
+    be the only way of putting an end to the terrestrial existence
+    of <i>Phra the Phoenician</i>, who, however, "might rise," as
+    <i>Mrs. Malaprop</i> would say, "like a Phoenician from the
+    ashes."</p>
+
+    <p>The appearance of <i>A New Lady Audley</i> is rather late in
+    the half-century as a "skit" on Miss BRADDON's celebrated
+    novel. Now and then I found an amusing bit in it, but, on the
+    whole, poor stuff, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+
+    <p>My faithful "Co." has been reading poetry and prose, and
+    thus communicates the result of his studies:&mdash;There is
+    genuine but unassuming poetry, which is, after all, only
+    another way of saying fine feeling finely expressed, in <i>Corn
+    and Poppies</i>, by COSMO MONKHOUSE (ELKIN MATHEWS). Much of
+    the verse is musical, and there is throughout a vein of
+    thoughtfulness which never degenerates into a morbid brooding.
+    I commend particularly "Any Soul to any Body," "A Dead March,"
+    and "Mysteries," as good examples of Mr. MONKHOUSE's style. So
+    much for verse. Let me now to prose. Like my baronial Chief, I
+    say, "Bring me my boots!" and let them be thick, so that I may
+    trudge safely through Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING's latest, "<i>The
+    Light that Failed" (Lippincott's Monthly Magazine</i>,
+    January). This is described as Mr. KIPLING's first long story.
+    His publishers, moreover, are good enough to take all the
+    trouble of criticism upon their own shoulders. They declare
+    that "there is more stern strength in this novel than in
+    anything which Mr. KIPLING has written;" but that is, after
+    all, only a comparative statement, which profits me little, as
+    I never yet estimated the amount of "stern strength" in Mr.
+    KIPLING's previous writings. I am, however, told, in addition,
+    that the tale "is as intensely moving as it is intensely
+    masculine" (there's lovely language!) "and it will not be
+    surprising if it should prove to be the literary sensation of
+    the year." To such an expression of opinion by competent judges
+    it would be futile to attempt to add very much. I will only
+    say, therefore, that the "sensation" produced in me by this
+    novel is one of the most disagreeable I ever experienced. The
+    characters are, for the most part, inordinately dull,
+    preposterously conceited, and insufferably brutal. As for
+    <i>Dick Heldar</i>, the hero, no more disagreeable and hateful
+    bully-puppy ever thought and talked in disconnected gasps
+    through ninety-seven pages. The catastrophe moves no pity. Mr.
+    KIPLING seems to despise the public, "who think with their
+    boots, and read with their elbows;" but so clever a man might
+    surely show his contempt less crudely. KIPLING, I love thee,
+    but never more write such another tale!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page42"
+       id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/42.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/42.png"
+             alt="INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Hostess</i>. "WON'T YOU TRY SOME OF THAT JELLY, HERR
+        SILBERMUND?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Herr Silbermund</i> (<i>who has just been helped to
+        Pudding</i>). "ACH, ZANK YOU, NO. I VOOT 'RAHZER PEAR VIZ
+        ZE ILLS VE HAF, ZAN VLY TO OZZERS ZAT VE KNOW NOT OF.'"
+        [<i>Herr S. is particularly proud of his knowledge of
+        Shakspeare.</i>]</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"WORSE THAN EVER!"</h2>
+
+    <h4>FARMER SMITH <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"To market, to market, to buy a fat pig!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Yes, so runs the old-fashioned nursery
+            rhyme,</p>
+
+            <p>And a porker that's plump, and round-barrel'd and
+            big,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is good business,&mdash;or used to be
+            once on a time.</p>
+
+            <p>But now, they're the horriblest nuisance on
+            earth</p>
+
+            <p>Are Pigs, and a great deal more plague than they're
+            worth.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I begin to believe 'twould be better by far</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If Pigs, like the Dodo, extinct could
+            become.</p>
+
+            <p>They involve one in nothing but jangle and jar,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And as to large profits, why that's all a
+            hum.</p>
+
+            <p>"Please the Pigs?" That's absurd, a mere obsolete
+            wheeze,</p>
+
+            <p>For Pigs are precisely the beasts you <i>can't</i>
+            please!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Gee up, <i>Dobbin</i>, old lad! Home's in sight; you
+            have borne</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My burden, and that of my basket, right
+            well,</p>
+
+            <p>Your carrying power some neighbours would scorn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But you're sound and good grit, though
+            you mayn't look a swell.</p>
+
+            <p>We're starting, lad, after our short half-way
+            halt,</p>
+
+            <p>If we don't make good time it will not be our
+            fault.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We did the first stretch unexpectedly slick,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My basket well loaded a feather-weight
+            seemed,</p>
+
+            <p>The road was so smooth, and your canter so
+            quick,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Twas better, old lad, than we either had
+            dreamed.</p>
+
+            <p>A great disappointment to some folk, I think.</p>
+
+            <p>Then we halted half-way for a rest and a drink.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That big Irish Pig, which had plagued us so oft.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was away,&mdash;running after its head or
+            its tail!</p>
+
+            <p>Oh joy, <i>Dobbin</i>, dear, to jog on, and go
+            soft,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No row, no obstruction by hedge-gap or
+            rail.</p>
+
+            <p>Ah, then they discovered the pace and the pith</p>
+
+            <p>Of <i>Dobbin</i> the dull, and his mount, Farmer
+            SMITH.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now all seems smooth sailing! Hillo! What was
+            that?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A squeak? Nay, it sounds like a chorus of
+            squeaks!</p>
+
+            <p>Don't shy, my dear <i>Dobbin</i>&mdash;you'll shake
+            off my hat.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The lane here grows narrow. Who's there?
+            No one speaks.</p>
+
+            <p>But that raucous "hrumph! hrumph!" that cacophonous
+            yell!</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis Pig-noise, and Irish&mdash;I know it so
+            well.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It is right in the road, it is plump in the gap.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Steady, <i>Dobbin</i>! Don't halt for
+            this hullaballoo&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Gee up! and go steady, now there's a good chap.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">What, the same plaguy Pig! Nay, by Jove,
+            <i>there are two!</i></p>
+
+            <p>And they're fighting each other, these porkers
+            perverse,</p>
+
+            <p>In the gap we must pass! Oh! this grows worse and
+            worse!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Whips up Dobbin.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>KOCH SURE!</h2>
+
+    <h4>SCENE&mdash;<i>A Place of Meeting. Enter</i> BROWN
+    <i>and</i> JONES. <i>They salute one another</i>.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Brown</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). Have you heard the good
+    news?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>stolidly</i>). What good news?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Brown</i>. That Dr. KOCH has at length revealed his
+    secret?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>startled</i>). No, has he! Dear me! And
+    that I should have missed so pleasant a piece of intelligence!
+    And so he has told an anxiously-expectant world the cause of
+    his success! Can <i>you</i> explain the matter to me?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Brown</i> (<i>cheerfully</i>). With the assistance of the
+    Public Press, to be sure I can. See here, I will give you the
+    solution to the problem, as told by the Journals, "without
+    puzzling technicalities."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jones</i>. I hang upon your words with an impatience that
+    politeness&mdash;the outcome of civilisation&mdash;alone
+    renders endurable.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Brown</i>. Then you must know that Dr. KOCH has
+    discovered that the remedy for tuberculosis consists of a
+    glycerine extract of a pure cultivation of tubercle bacilli,
+    the local effect of which, when injected into a healthy
+    guinea-pig, produces a nodule found at the point of
+    inoculation, which, when a second puncture is perpetrated,
+    causes what may be called the bacillary fluid to be brought
+    into the current of its circulation, so that the infected
+    tissue may react upon the agent which it had previously been
+    able to resist. I am not quite sure that I have got the
+    <i>exact</i> words, but that's the idea. Simple, isn't it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jones</i>. Very! [<i>Exeunt severally.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43"
+       id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/43.png"
+             alt="WORSE THAN EVER!" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"WORSE THAN EVER!"</h3>FARMER SMITH. "TUT-T-T! <i>TWO
+        OF 'EM!</i> BAD ENOUGH WHEN THERE WAS ONLY ONE!!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45"
+       id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span>
+
+    <h2>DOMESTIC MELODIES.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Sancho Preston Panza.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>WINTER BATH-SONG.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For weeks the sun each morn arose</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As 'tis his nature to,</p>
+
+            <p>But little difference he made</p>
+
+            <p>Sopp'd by the fog's asthmatic shade;</p>
+
+            <p>From day's beginning till its close</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The day no brighter grew.</p>
+
+            <p>Above the sheets, the sleeper's nose</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Peep'd shyly, as afraid,</p>
+
+            <p>While 'neath the dark and draughty flue</p>
+
+            <p>The burnt-out cinders meanly strew</p>
+
+            <p>The hearth, where now no firelight glows,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No waiting warmth is laid.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Full many a morn I sprang from bed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As o'er the deadly brink</p>
+
+            <p>The wretch, with courage of despair,</p>
+
+            <p>Leaps from the slimy river-stair,</p>
+
+            <p>By hopeless hope unthinking sped,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ere he can pause to think.</p>
+
+            <p>Cold as the efforts of the dead,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The needle-atom'd air,</p>
+
+            <p>Impinged upon the limbs that shrink.</p>
+
+            <p>On shivering shanks, and eyelids pink,</p>
+
+            <p>And bound its bands about the head,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And chill'd the underwear.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The frost that held us in its grip,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would raise the prisoning paw,</p>
+
+            <p>And Nature, like a mouse set free,</p>
+
+            <p>Enjoyed delusive liberty,</p>
+
+            <p>While every water-pipe must drip</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To greet the passing thaw.</p>
+
+            <p>Then rudely dashed from eager lip</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The cup of joy would be,</p>
+
+            <p>And fingers numbed, and chattering jaw,</p>
+
+            <p>Owned unexpelled the winter's flaw,</p>
+
+            <p>And on the steps the goodmen slip,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And shout the major D.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Long like a fossil tipsy-cake</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The sponge each morn appeared;</p>
+
+            <p>The bath, if plenished over-night,</p>
+
+            <p>Was frozen ere the morning light,</p>
+
+            <p>And more that frigid water-ache</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Than unwashed days I feared,</p>
+
+            <p>Now while the milder zephyrs shake</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Once more the winter's might,</p>
+
+            <p>My sponge, my bath, by loss endeared,</p>
+
+            <p>Shall dree no more a lonely weird;</p>
+
+            <p>And as young ducks to water take,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shall be my bath ward flight.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Good Devon!</h3>
+
+    <p>Mr. W.H. SMITH will return to Grosvenor Place from Torquay
+    on Monday, for the opening of Parliament.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis pity of you, OLD MORALITY,</p>
+
+            <p>Back from your rest to loud banality.</p>
+
+            <p>After St. Stephen's shindy, Devon</p>
+
+            <p>No doubt appeared a very heaven:</p>
+
+            <p>But cream's as much like water chalky</p>
+
+            <p>As Torquay Torrs to Talky-Talky!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>CHANGE OF INITIALS.</h3>
+
+    <p>"Often as I may have been invited," Mr. T.M. HEALY is
+    reported to have said, in the course of a recent speech, "I
+    never yet put a toe inside his house." Memorable words.
+    Henceforth, name changed to TOE-AND-HEALY, M.P.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A WORD TO MOTHERS.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[A well-known Dramatic Critic has recently spoken of a
+        play as "just the play in which growing girls will
+        delight."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O ANXIOUS Mothers, come and listen</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To what just now I've got to say.</p>
+
+            <p>If I'm not wrong, your eyes will glisten</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Before the end of this my lay.</p>
+
+            <p>With strong affection overflowing&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your children are indeed your
+            pearls&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>You can't help feeling pleased at knowing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The play's the thing&mdash;for growing
+            girls!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The pages of a lady's journal</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I've very often read with care,</p>
+
+            <p>The news, the gossiping eternal,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You're always sure of getting there.</p>
+
+            <p>Of how you ought to bind your tresses,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The latest styles, the tint in hair,</p>
+
+            <p>And there I've seen the kind of dresses</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It's right for growing girls to wear.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But never once the slightest mention</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of what they'd better go and see,</p>
+
+            <p>And yet it's clear that some attention</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To such a thing there ought to be.</p>
+
+            <p>For sentiment and love they're frantic,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They're fond of knights and belted
+            earls,</p>
+
+            <p>A play that's just the least romantic&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Yes, that's the play for growing
+            girls.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A crowing child, who loves to prattle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Can easily be kept at rest.</p>
+
+            <p>You've only got to get a rattle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or p'raps a dolly would be best.</p>
+
+            <p>A bouncing boy will blow a bubble,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And want no more the livelong day;</p>
+
+            <p>But if a growing girl gives trouble,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You've got to take her to the play!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A PIONEER IN PETTICOATS.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[An American Lady is about to explore Africa, on humane
+        principles.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Arrive in Africa</i>.&mdash;Convinced that real way of
+    taming the savage heart is by <i>Feminine Tact</i>. No need of
+    brutal habits of male adventurers. Two negresses, from "Ole
+    Virginny," with me, who said they would like to "see Africa
+    again"; a few Arabs, to carry our baggage. Intend to study
+    home-life of African tribes, and to get them to talk into my
+    phonograph.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:18%;">
+        <a href="images/45.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/45.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Month Later</i>.&mdash;Have had to exhibit more Feminine
+    Tact than I expected. Got entangled in swampy forest on Zambesi
+    (I think), and Arabs declined to extricate us unless their pay
+    was doubled! Also one of negresses&mdash;horrid
+    woman!&mdash;has deserted me&mdash;come to place that she
+    pretended to recognise as her native village, and said she
+    meant to stay! Tact useless with females!</p>
+
+    <p><i>On Lake Tanganyika</i>&mdash;or if it isn't Lake
+    Tanganyika, it's <i>an entirely new lake</i>,&mdash;which I
+    have been the first to discover! Suffer a good deal from fever
+    and queer diet. Am studying native home-life.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Later</i>.&mdash;Have left two Arabs and my remaining
+    negress on Lake, and gone myself to look for STANLEY's Dwarfs.
+    Told that TIPPOO TIB is somewhere about. Also advised to be
+    very careful not to fall in with the "man-eating Manyuema."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Still Later</i>.&mdash;Did fall in with them! Also fell
+    out with them. They made all preparations for using me as a
+    side-dish at a cannibal banquet, when TIPPOO TIB arrived and
+    released me.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tanganyika again!</i>&mdash;Back here safe and sound!
+    TIPPOO TIB turned out most unsatisfactory. Wanted to marry
+    me!&mdash;with a hundred other wives already! Not prepared for
+    <i>this</i> sort of home-life. Managed to get away by
+    describing to him a Remington typewriter, and promising if he
+    let me go, to bring one back <i>at once</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>Find that my "rear-guard"&mdash;the negress and
+    Arabs&mdash;have been up to fearful pranks during my absence.
+    Negress killed and ate one of Arabs, and then other Arab killed
+    and ate negress! Tell remaining Arab I shall have him punished
+    when I get to Coast. Arab says he'll get there first, and
+    publish a book showing <i>me</i> up!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Latest</i>.&mdash;Left alone in middle of Africa, with a
+    phonograph, several bales of baggage, and a diary. Question now
+    is&mdash;will Feminine Tact show me road to Zanzibar?</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>UNIVERSITY HONOURS.&mdash;"SMITH's Prizeman"&mdash;ARTHUR
+    BALFOUR. The "Senior Wrangler" (for several years
+    past)&mdash;Mr. GLADSTONE.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTE-BOOK.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>For the Use of Professional Diners-out and other
+    Amateur Entertainers.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p><i>The Meeting of Parliament</i>.&mdash;This is not a very
+    promising subject, but mild mirth may be produced in outlying
+    districts (say Southend or Honiton, Devon) by observing, that
+    the rock upon which the Irish Party went to pieces was a happy
+    one&mdash;in fact, a GLAD-STONE. This, strictly speaking, is
+    <i>not</i> a new jest, and therefore must be helped out by a
+    burst of self-supplied laughter. You might add, that as Members
+    of Parliament are obliged, by the rules of the House, to
+    address their colleagues <i>standing</i>, there would he little
+    chance of a <i>seated</i> discussion. But you must, however,
+    take care to cough when you say <i>seated</i>, so that those on
+    the look-out for a brilliant <i>bon-mot</i> may know that you
+    mean <i>heated</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Revolt in Chili</i>.&mdash;The name of the place in
+    which the disturbances have occurred will help you effectively
+    to remark that the outbreak is seasonable during the present
+    inclement weather. As the Army sympathises with the Government,
+    and the sister service with the rioters, you can suggest "that
+    knaves would, of course, be supported by the <i>Navy</i>!" This
+    may lead up to a really magnificent burst of waggery in the
+    assertion that the dissentients must of necessity be "all at
+    sea."</p>
+
+    <p><i>The New Archbishop of York</i>.&mdash;Insist that his
+    Grace is a Scotchman, and not an Irishman, and prove your
+    proposition by declaring that the road to success was "MACGEE's
+    (pronounced MAGGIE's) secret!" This really splendid flash of
+    humour will bear polishing&mdash;as written it seems a little
+    in the rough. You may refer to the Primate's universally
+    acknowledged partiality for quiet sarcasm, by saying that "ever
+    since he joined the ecclesiastical Bench he has been known as
+    an <i>arch</i> Bishop!" These entertaining quibbles, delicately
+    handled, should be received with enthusiasm at a five o'clock
+    tea in a Deanery.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The New Play at the Haymarket</i>.&mdash;As the plot
+    turns upon the doings of the Society of Friends, you may
+    extract a jest by saying "that many of the characters trembled
+    with anxiety before its production&mdash;in fact, were
+    <i>quakers</i>!" The name of the Manager of the Haymarket has
+    frequently been the subject of a quip, if not a crank; still it
+    may yet serve as a peg for slyly observing that, "At the fall
+    of the Curtain, TREE, naturally enough, appeared with a
+    <i>bough</i>!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Weather</i>.&mdash;Of course you must introduce this
+    subject, and as everything that <i>can</i> be said <i>has</i>
+    been said about it, you may quote SYDNEY SMITH as your
+    authority for observing, that the only possible sport for
+    M.F.H.'s at this time of the year must be "<i>hunt&mdash;the
+    slipper!</i>" If the point of this "good thing" is not
+    immediately obvious, the fault will be with SIDNEY SMITH, and
+    not with you. And this quaint oddity should satiate your
+    audience with mirth and merriment until next week&mdash;and
+    even longer!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46"
+       id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/46.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/46.png"
+             alt="A COLD RECEPTION.&lt;/h3&gt;" /></a>
+
+        <h3>A COLD RECEPTION: OR PARLIAMENT MEETING IN A
+        BLIZZARD.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page47"
+       id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span>
+
+    <h2>STILL ANOTHER CHAPTER OF MY MEMOIR.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>In Supplement of "Harper."</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h4>BY MONSIEUR VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/47-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/47-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Forget at this moment where I was born, but I lived long
+    enough at Marseilles to be married in that great southern
+    French city. My wife's father had been in the Marines; her
+    uncle (on the grandfather's side) had been a <i>Sapeur
+    pompier</i>. Thus did I, as it were, become <i>lié</i> with the
+    sea and land forces of my adopted country. My wife's mother was
+    a descendant of a noble but anonymous family in the Vosges,
+    whilst her maternal uncle was accustomed to attach to himself
+    some local unpopularity by preferring for investigation a
+    complicated sheet which set forth his genealogy, tracing his
+    origin back to the Bourbons.</p>
+
+    <p>You ask me which Bourbon? I frankly answer, I cannot tell.
+    My wife's maternal uncle spoke of them as "<i>the</i>
+    Bourbons," just as you talk of "<i>the</i> Groceries," and no
+    one asks you <i>Lequel</i>? As for my own ancestry, I do not
+    speak of it. I have never been in the habit of thrusting myself
+    on the attention of the public. It is sufficient for me that my
+    wife's maternal uncle's ancestors were Bourbons.</p>
+
+    <p>I first began to take charge of public affairs in connection
+    with an election that took place in the city where I found
+    myself. M. DE LESSEPS opposed THIERS and GAMBETTA. He presented
+    himself as an independent candidate. Was he? I suspected.
+    Already I had my secret agents in every centre of population.
+    One, whose letter bore the post-mark the Pyramids, placed in my
+    hand proof that DE LESSEPS was an official candidate of the
+    Empire. I secretly conveyed this information to a local
+    newspaper. The news burst like a tempest on the public of
+    Marseilles, and swept away in its irresistible whirl the
+    candidature of M. DE LESSEPS.</p>
+
+    <p>This was pretty well for a first newspaper paragraph, worth
+    at the time, as I remember thinking, more than the paltry three
+    sous a line that became my due. But I had made more than a few
+    sous&mdash;I had made an enemy! Years after, BISMARCK told me
+    how, chatting with NAPOLEON THE THIRD at Donchery, that fallen
+    monarch had recalled this incident, in which his prophetic eye
+    justly discerned the beginning of the end. He admitted that he
+    had said to the EMPRESS, "France is too small for me and VAN DE
+    BLOWITZOWN TROMP. One of us must cross <i>la Manche</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>Sublime! One of us did.</p>
+
+    <p>But my time was not yet. My friends advised, nay, besought
+    me to leave Marseilles. Towards the end of this year (1869) I
+    took their advice, and retired to a small property I chanced to
+    have in the centre of the Landes. This place being dry, and
+    somewhat remote, was peculiarly suitable for watching the
+    growth of great problems with a mind unbiassed by any knowledge
+    of facts. I saw the Franco-German question grow, and I foresaw
+    how it would end. I wrote to THIERS, and told him all about it.
+    When the war broke out I mounted my stilts, and cautiously made
+    my way across the untrodden track, following my Destiny. I had
+    predicted the downfall of the Empire, and, in its last gasp,
+    the Empire strove to wither me. Proceedings had been commenced,
+    when Sedan put an end to them.</p>
+
+    <p>At this epoch France was on her knees, beaten down by the
+    German hand, her eyes blind with blood and tears. One thing
+    alone could cheer her. I could do it, and I did. I applied for
+    Letters of Naturalisation. Some weeks later I became a French
+    citizen, and received a letter from M. ADOLPH CRÉMIEUX, then
+    Minister of Justice, and never suspected of being a wag. He
+    wrote: "Your application for Naturalisation in the midst of our
+    great disasters, is for me the signal of a new life for us. A
+    country which in the midst of such catastrophes recruits
+    citizens like you, is not to be despaired of."</p>
+
+    <p>Years after, THIERS, then President of the Republic, said,
+    "I never will forget that you became a Frenchman in the time of
+    our misfortunes." EDMUND ABOUT picturesquely said, "<i>Il s'est
+    fait naturaliser vaincu.</i>" BISMARCK has told me that the
+    Emperor WILLIAM, then at Versailles, in the first flush of
+    triumph at touch on his brow of the Imperial diadem, hearing of
+    the event through the capturing of a balloon despatched with
+    the news to dolorous Paris, passed a sleepless night.</p>
+
+    <p>"I fear me" he said, "all will now be lost."</p>
+
+    <p>"Not at all, your Majesty," said BISMARCK, affecting an
+    indifference he assures me he did not feel. "There is not even
+    a Frenchman the more. They have lost an Emperor and gained VAN
+    DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP. <i>Ce met égal.</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>"Not quite," said the Emperor, with subtle flattery. The
+    Emperor WILLIAM, though he had his failings, was a keen judge
+    of the comparative value of men.</p>
+
+    <p>The limits of this article compel me to glance hastily over
+    succeeding epochs in a career with the main drift of which the
+    civilised world is already familiar. After saving Marseilles to
+    the Republic, by a series of actions alternating between
+    desperate valour and brilliant strategy, I went to Paris to
+    report on the great event. Calling on the official entrusted
+    with the duty of considering claims to decorations, I began at
+    once by saying that my own name must not be taken into
+    consideration.</p>
+
+    <p>"Let my name," I said, gently but firmly, "be scored out in
+    the proposed list of decorations."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Mais, Monsieur</i>" he said, "there is no such
+    list."</p>
+
+    <p>I, however, was not to be put off with excuse of that kind.
+    I insisted, both to the Secretary of the Minister of War, to M.
+    THIERS, that I should not be decorated. I was only too
+    successful. When the list came out, all my associates at
+    Marseilles were decorated. I was not included. This was all
+    right. It was what I had requested. I could say nothing. All
+    the same, I could not help thinking that my advice had been too
+    literally accepted.</p>
+
+    <p>Every morning, for a week after, I called on M. THIERS. At
+    the end of the sixth day he said, "You must go to Riga. I do
+    not quite know where it is, but it sounds remote. You shall be
+    Consul at Riga." I was delighted. Like the President, I was not
+    sure where Riga was; but the salary was certain, and there was
+    fine old Roman flavour about the title Consul.</p>
+
+    <p>But it was not to be. I was predestined to be a great
+    Newspaper Correspondent. How that came about cannot be told in
+    this chapter. I will only say that early in my new career I
+    secured the approbation of Mr. DELANE, who, I need scarcely
+    say, was the most competent judge the world ever saw of the
+    merits of a journalist.</p>
+
+    <p>At the risk of being dry and bald, I have confined myself to
+    telling accurately what has happened, my greatest ambition
+    being to leave no one the chance of misrepresenting, as his
+    whim, fancy, or passion may dictate, facts in which I am so
+    deeply interested. Let those note them who, after my time, have
+    to defend my memory should it ever be attacked.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/47-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/47-2.png"
+             alt="The Shinner Quartette." /></a>"The Shinner
+             Quartette;" or, Musical Football.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"MORE HONOURED IN THE BREACH THAN THE
+    OBSERVANCE."&mdash;Breach of Promise cases&mdash;as a rule.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page48"
+       id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span>
+
+    <h2>A GENERAL VIEW OF "PRIVATE INQUIRY."</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/48.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/48.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I am sufficiently old-fashioned, when I go to the play, to
+    wish to be amused. I frankly admit I do not care to be taught a
+    lesson, or to have my mind harrowed by the presentation of some
+    psychological study. I can remember WRIGHT, and even HARLEY,
+    and the days when a good piece of fun was the last item of the
+    programme at the Adelphi and the Olympic&mdash;the chief
+    attraction of the Pittites, who patronised "half-price." This
+    being so, I am glad to find at the Strand&mdash;a theatre
+    recalling memories of JIMMY ROGERS and JOHNNY CLARKE, PATTY
+    OLIVER and CHARLOTTE SAUNDERS, to say nothing of a lady who was
+    not only Queen of Comedy but Empress of
+    Burlesque&mdash;"<i>Private Inquiry</i>," a thoroughly well
+    acted and rattling farce in three Acts. It is from the French,
+    but as the task of adaptation has been entrusted to the Author
+    who turned <i>Bébé</i> the Frisky into <i>Betsy</i> the
+    Wholesome, any scruples of conscience that the LORD CHAMBERLAIN
+    may possibly have entertained on reading the original have been
+    successfully removed, and the play, consequently, is not only
+    highly entertaining, but absolutely free from offence. I did
+    not see it until it had reached its eighth night, and I do not
+    remember a piece, taken as a whole, so excellently acted.
+    Although he does not appear until the Second Act, Mr. WILLIE
+    EDOUIN, as <i>'Arry 'Ooker</i>, the Private Inquiry Agent, is
+    <i>the</i> feature of the performance. His politeness to
+    ladies, his assumption of businesslike habits, suggested by his
+    reading and spiking of bogus telegrams brought to him when he
+    is engaged with a client, his urbanity under difficulties, and
+    his cheerful acceptance of the inevitable in whatever shape
+    presented, are all admirable points, and points that are fully
+    appreciated by the audience. Roars of laughter follow the one
+    after the other when <i>'Arry 'Ooker</i> is on the stage.
+    Nothing can be more absurd than his make-up, his bows, his
+    grimaces, and yet under the surface there is a vein of pathos
+    that causes one to feel a pang of genuine regret when the
+    poverty-stricken, light-hearted rogue, who, if he cannot secure
+    a hundred guineas, is equally ready to accept a "tenner," is
+    marched oft to penal servitude as the Curtain falls. The clerk
+    of this entertaining individual, <i>Toby</i>, is played by a
+    boy like a boy, by Master Buss. Farther, Mr. ALFRED MALTBY
+    could not be better as the suspicious and bamboozled husband,
+    <i>Richard Wrackham</i>. Again, even the small part of
+    <i>Alexander</i>, a Waiter, is well played. Once more&mdash;the
+    ladies, without exception, are capital; and as a result of this
+    all-round excellence, the piece "goes," from a quarter to nine
+    till just eleven, with a <i>verve</i> that must be most
+    satisfactory to all concerned. So I can congratulate the Author
+    upon a piece full of lines that tell, and the Manager upon a
+    play that is likely to rival in popularity its predecessor, the
+    phenomenally-successful <i>Our Flat.</i> And I can offer these
+    congratulations with a dear conscience, because I am neither
+    Author of the piece nor Manager of the theatre, but as Mr.
+    RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, QUITE ANOTHER FELLOW.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LARKS!</h2>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;I am surprised that any of your Correspondents
+    should doubt that birds eat snow. There is a bull-finch in my
+    aviary, and I tried him. He ate it ravenously. Strange to say,
+    he has not uttered a sound since! My wife says, "Probably his
+    <i>pipe</i> is frozen." This is such a good joke, I think you
+    ought to have it.</p>
+
+    <p>Yours, LOVER OF NATURE.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;You may like to have the following story in
+    support of the idea that animals are aware that snow is frozen
+    water. It was related to me by a rather rackety nephew, who has
+    lived part of his life in South America, and whose word can be
+    strictly relied on. He relates that once, when he was
+    travelling among the Andes, at an elevation of some twenty
+    thousand feet, his mules became very thirsty, and no water was
+    obtainable. Each animal seized a <i>calabash</i> with its
+    teeth, filled it with snow, and trotted off to the crater of an
+    adjacent volcano; it then waited till the lava melted the snow,
+    which it drank up, and finally trotted back again. My nephew
+    says he should not have believed a mule could be so clever, if
+    he had not seen it.</p>
+
+    <p>Yours obediently, SAMUEL SOBERSIDES.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;Since writing you that letter about our
+    bull-finch, I have discovered an even more surprising fact,
+    which I am sure no Naturalist has yet dreamed of. Not only do
+    birds appreciate snow, but they are very fond of <i>iced
+    beverages</i>. A tom-tit, who often drinks water from a saucer
+    which we put on our window-sill, one day found the water
+    frozen. What did the intelligent creature do? Why, it rapped on
+    the window-pane with its beak till the window was opened, then
+    hopped on to the sideboard, and began trying to peck the cork
+    out of a whiskey bottle! I took the hint, and poured some of
+    the spirit into the saucer; the bird drank it greedily! My
+    wife's comment on this occurrence is really too good to be
+    lost, so I send it you. She said, "Evidently the bird was not a
+    <i>tomtitotaller</i>!"</p>
+
+    <p>Yours, in convulsions, LOVER OF NATURE (<i>as
+    before</i>).</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A PINT OF HALF-AND-HALF.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"'<i>Qui va la?</i>' says he."</p>
+
+            <p>"'<i>Je</i>,' replies I, knowing the language."</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">"<i>Jeames" and another Old
+            Story</i>.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The international susceptibilities of Sheriff
+    DRURIOLANUS&mdash;henceforth to bear the Anglo-French title,
+    <i>Monsieur le Shérif 'Arris de Paris</i>, or <i>'Arry de
+    Parry</i>,&mdash;appear to have been considerably hurt by a
+    statement in the <i>Débats</i> to the effect that the
+    appearance in the London streets of men dressed as
+    Gendarmes&mdash;"<i>en gendarmes français</i>," writes MOSSOO
+    DRURIOLANE&mdash;intended as perambulating advertisements for
+    the Waterloo Panorama, was due to a supreme effort of his
+    managerial genius. So Shérif DRURIOLANE wrote at once to the
+    London Correspondent of the <i>Figaro</i>, who bears the
+    singularly French name of JOHNSON, denying, in his very best
+    French, that he, M. le Shérif, had had anything to do with
+    these walking advertisements, or, indeed, with the Panorama
+    Company at all, from which he had retired a year ago. Then he
+    adds, like the <i>preux chevalier</i> he is known to be, that
+    had he still been on the direction of the aforesaid
+    <i>Compagnie</i>, he, at all events, would never, never have
+    committed the enormity of even suggesting, however vaguely, an
+    idea so calculated to needlessly insult "<i>les susceptibilités
+    françaises</i>." ("<i>Hear! hear!</i>" and "<i>Très bien!</i>"
+    from the left.) Then M. le Shérif DRURIOLANE, rising to the
+    occasion, finishes with this magnificent flourish on the French
+    horn&mdash;"<i>Je suit né en France</i>"&mdash;(Isn't it very
+    much "to his credit," we ask with W.S.G., that, "In spite of
+    all temptations, To belong to other nations, He remains an
+    Englishman?" Why, certainly)&mdash;"<i>j'ai vécu parmi les
+    Français, et je suis à moitié enfant de Paris</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>Beautiful! <i>Magnifique!</i> Our DRURIOLANUS is surpassing
+    even the G.O.M., who has been born, more or less, everywhere,
+    except in Paris. Should the Republic be in danger, or should
+    Monarchists or Imperialists get a chance and want a man for the
+    place, let them wire to DRURIOLANUS, "<i>à moitié enfant de
+    Paris</i>" and the "<i>Enfant</i>"&mdash;"<i>Enfant</i> ARRIS,"
+    not "<i>Enfant</i> GATTI"&mdash;will be ready, aye ready, to
+    assume the purple, and to bring all his properties with him.
+    "<i>À moitié</i>"&mdash;and the other half? That will ever
+    remain British. So <i>à la santé de Monsieur le
+    Shérif-enfant-de-Londres-et-Paris</i>, in a pint of
+    Half-and-half, and let it, like Le Shérif himself, have a good
+    head on!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE ROLLING OF THE R'S.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"We are told that the omission to roll it (the letter
+        <i>r</i>) is as flagrant a misdemeanor as the dropping of
+        the <i>h</i>."&mdash;<i>James Payn in the Illustrated
+        News</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>AIR&mdash;"<i>The Wearing of the Green</i>."</h4>
+
+    <h4><i>Soft-spoken Person sings:&mdash;</i></h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It's vewy wong, widiculous, and howwid, I've no
+            doubt,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To leave that little letter <i>r</i>
+            unuttahed or unwolled;</p>
+
+            <p>But if you <i>haven't</i> any <i>r</i>'s you've got
+            to do without,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And I can no maw woll <i>my r</i>'s than
+            dwink my clawet cold.</p>
+
+            <p>A Dowie wuggedness of speech I weally <i>can't</i>
+            attain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And though gwammawians may wave in
+            leadewetts and pars,</p>
+
+            <p>I quite agwee with good JAMES PAYN that all their
+            wow is vain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The angwy wout must do without "the
+            wolling of the <i>r</i>'s!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>HAGIOLOGICAL AND HISTORICAL NOTE.&mdash;Dr. HAROLD BROWNE,
+    "the retiring Bishop" of Winchester, as he is called, on
+    account of his innate modesty, wrote to the people of Farnham
+    to say that, "never was there a Bishop since the time of his
+    earliest predecessor in the See, St. Swithin, more literally
+    'at home' at Farnham Castle than himself." To this fact Dr.
+    H.B. is, perhaps, unaware that the Saint in question owed his
+    name, as when any visitor called to ask if he were at home, the
+    Hall-porter of the period invariably answered, "Yes, Saint's
+    within." Dr. HAROLD BROWNE is welcome to this information,
+    which ought to have been in <i>Notes and Queries</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>It is said that the invitations for the Drury Lane
+    celebration of Twelfth Night will not be sent out with so free
+    a hand next year, the young men on the recent occasion having
+    been so Baddeley behaved.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12872 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #12872 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12872)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.,
+Jan. 24, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 24, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 10, 2004 [EBook #12872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+January 24, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. XII.--THE MATE OF THE MARLINSPIKE.
+
+(_BY SHARK MUSSELL; AUTHOR OF "ERECT WITH A STOVE IN HER," "MY GYP
+MADE TO WHEEZE," "THE ROMANCE OF A PENNY PARLOUR," "A HOOK FOR THE
+BANNOCK," "FOUND THE GAL ON FIRE," "THE MYSTERY OF THE LOTION JAR,"
+"THE JOKES O' LEAD," &C., &C., &C._)
+
+    ["Here you are, my hearty," writes the Author, "this is a
+    regular briny ocean story, all storms and thunderclaps and
+    sails and rigging and soaring masts and bellying sails. How
+    about 'avast heaving' and 'shiver my timbers,' and 'son of a
+    sea-cook,' and all that? No, thank you; that kind of thing's
+    played out. MARRYAT was all very well _in his day_, but that
+    day's gone. The public requires stories about merchant ships,
+    and, by Neptune, the public shall have them, with all kinds
+    of hairy villains and tempest-tossed wrecks and human interest
+    and no end of humour, likewise word-pictures of ships and
+    storms. That's me. So clear the decks, and here goes."]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+We were in mid-ocean. Over the vast expanses of the oily sea no ripple
+was to be seen although Captain BABBIJAM kept his binoculars levelled
+at the silent horizon for three-quarters of an hour by the saloon
+clock. Far away in the murky distance of the mysterious empyrean, a
+single star flashed with a weird brilliance down upon the death-like
+stillness of the immemorial ocean. Yet the good old _Marlinspike_
+was rolling from side to side and rising and falling as if the liquid
+expanse were stirred by the rush of a tempest instead of lying as
+motionless as a country congregation during the rector's sermon.
+Suddenly Captain BABBIJAM closed his binoculars with an angry snap,
+and turned to me. His face showed of a dark purple under his white
+cotton night-cap.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The silly old ship," he muttered, half to himself and half to me, "is
+trying to make heavy weather of it; but I'll be even with her. I'll be
+even with her."
+
+"You'll find it a very _odd_ thing to do," I said to him, jocosely.
+
+He sprang at me like a seahorse, and reared himself to his full height
+before me.
+
+"Come, Mr. TUGLEY," he continued, speaking in a low, meaning voice,
+"can you take a star?"
+
+"Sometimes," I answered, humouring his strange fancy; "but there's
+only one about, and it seems a deuce of a long way off--however, I'll
+try;" and, with that, I reached my arm up in the direction of the
+solitary planet, which lay in the vast obscure like a small silver
+candlestick, with a greenish tinge in its icy sparkling, mirrored far
+below in the indigo flood of the abysmal sea, while a grey scud came
+sweeping up, no one quite knew whence, and hung about the glossy face
+of the silent luminary like the shreds of a wedding veil, scattered
+by a honey-moon quarrel across the deep spaces far beyond the hairy
+coamings of the booby-hatch.
+
+"Fool!" said the Captain, softly, "I don't mean that. If you can't
+take a star, can you keep a watch?"
+
+"Well, as to that, Captain," said I, half shocked and half amused at
+his strange questionings, "I never take my own out in a crowd. It's
+one of DENT's best, given me by my aunt, and I've had it for nigh
+upon--"
+
+But the Captain had left me, and was at that moment engaged on his
+after-supper occupation of jockeying a lee yard-arm, while the first
+mate, Mr. SOWSTER, was doing his best to keep up with his rough
+commanding officer by dangling to windward on the flemish horse,
+which, as it was touched in the wind and gone in the forelegs,
+stumbled violently over the buttery hatchway and hurled its
+venturesome rider into the hold.
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+On the following morning we were all sitting in the palatial saloon of
+the _Marlinspike_. We were all there, all the characters, that is to
+say, necessary for the completion of a first class three-volume ocean
+novel. On my right sat the cayenne-peppery Indian Colonel, a small
+man with a fierce face and a tight collar, who roars like a bull and
+says, "Zounds, Sir," on the slightest provocation. Opposite to him
+was his wife, a Roman-nosed lady, with an imperious manner, and a
+Colonel-subduing way of curling her lip. On my left was the funny man.
+As usual he was of a sea-green colour, and might be expected at any
+moment to stagger to a porthole and call faintly for the steward.
+Further down the table sat two young nincompoops, brought on board
+specially in order that they might fulfil their destiny, and fill
+out my story, by falling in love with the fluffy-haired English girl
+who was sitting between them, and pouting equally and simultaneously
+at both. There was also the stout German who talks about "de sturm
+und der vafes." And beside him was the statuesque English beauty,
+whose eyes are of the rich blackness of the tropic sky, whose voice
+has a large assortment of sudden notes of haughtiness, while the
+studied insolence of her manner first freezes her victims and then
+incontinently and inconsistently scorches them. Eventually her proud
+spirit will be tamed, probably by a storm, or a ship-wreck, or by
+ten days in an open boat. I shall then secure your love, my peerless
+ARAMINTA, and you will marry me and turn out as soft and gentle as
+the moss-rose which now nestles in your raven tresses. The Colonel was
+speaking.
+
+"Zounds, Sir!" he was saying. "I don't know what you mean by effects.
+All mine are on board. What do you say, Mr. TUGLEY?" he went on,
+looking at me with a look full of corkscrews and broken glass,
+while his choleric face showed of a purple hue under the effort of
+utterance.
+
+"Well, Colonel," I replied, in an off-hand way, so as not to irritate
+him, "I keep my best effects here;" and, so saying, I produced my
+note-book, and tapped it significantly. "What, for instance, do you
+say to this?"
+
+But, what follows, needs another chapter.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+I found the place in my notebook, cleared my voice, and began.
+"The ship was sailing gloriously under a press of canvas. Her
+foretopgallant-sail swelled to its cotton-like hue out of the black
+shadow of its incurving. High aloft, the swelling squares of her
+studding-sails gleamed in the misty sheen of the pale luminary,
+flinging her frosty light from point to point of the tapering masts,
+which rose, rose, rose into the morning air, as though with intent
+to pierce the glowing orb of day, poised in the heavens like one vast
+ball of liquid fire. Through the wind-hushed spaces of the canvas,
+where the foretopmaststay-sail--"
+
+"I know that foretopmaststay-sail," said the funny man, suddenly. I
+withered him with a look, and turned over the page.
+
+"Here," I said, "is another tip-topper. What do you think of this
+for a storm?--'The liquid acclivities were rising taller, and more
+threatening. With a scream of passion the tortured ship hurled itself
+at their deep-green crests. Cascades of rain, and hail, and snow,
+were dashing down upon her unprotected bulwarks. The inky sky was one
+vast thunder-clap, out of which the steely shaft of an electric flash
+pierced its dazzling path into the heart of the raving deep. The
+scud--'
+
+"I know that scud," said a hateful voice. But, before I could
+annihilate its owner, the pale face of Mr. SPILKINGS, with his
+dead-eyes turned in, dashed breathlessly into the saloon. "By all
+that's holy," he shouted, "the Captain's gone mad, and the crew have
+thrown off all disguise. We are manned by ourang-outangs!"
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Never shall I forget the horrors of the scene that ensued. We clewed
+up the mizzen royal, we lashed the foretop to make it spin upon its
+heels. The second dog watch barked his shins to the bone, and a
+tail of men hauled upon the halliards to mast-head the yard. Nothing
+availed. We had to be wrecked and wrecked we were, and as I clasped
+ARAMINTA's trustful head to my breast, the pale luminary sailing
+through the angry wrack glittered in phantasmal splendour on the scud
+which--
+
+    [Here the MS. ends unaccountably.--ED. _Punch_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INTERESTED PARTY.
+
+_St. Bernard's Dog_ (_confidentially to Mr. Chaplin_). "NEVER MIND
+THE OLD WOMAN; LET'S KEEP THE MUZZLE ON FOR A YEAR, AND HAVE DONE WITH
+IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CANINE CONFIDENCES.
+
+    _Clever Dog, to the Minister of Agriculture, loquitur_--
+
+  POTTERER, put the muzzle on! Potterer, take it off again!
+  _That_ is not the way, my friend, cruel _rabies_ to restrain.
+            Take my tip!
+  As to self-styled "friends of dogs," too preposterous by half,
+  Who object to all restraint, they deserve on seat or calf
+            One sharp nip.
+
+  It is _doggish_ interest hydrophobia to stamp out;
+  'Tis a curse to us canines; that no person well can doubt
+            Who has sense.
+  They who think we doggies share old maid's sentimental fad,
+  Just as though it really were a dog's _privilege_ to go mad,
+            Must be dense.
+
+  Muzzles are a bore, of course, rather troublesome at times,
+  But I'd rather have my nose made incapable of crimes,
+           Than go free,
+  With the chance of "going off," giving friend or foe a bite.
+  And be clubbed to death or shot, murdered in my master's sight,
+            Don't suit _me_!
+
+  Never mind the fussy frumps, the old women of each sex;
+  Better raise their ready wrath than the prudent public vex
+            With crass rules.
+  Muzzles now and collars then, partial orders soon relaxed;
+  Men rebel when with caprice they are tied, or teased, or taxed,
+            Else they're fools.
+
+  Keep the muzzles on a year, regularly, and _all round_,
+  Every doggy of high breed, mongrel puppy, whelp or hound,
+            Will give thanks
+  To the Minister who tries hydrophobia to stamp out
+  Once for all o'er all the land, with consistency, and without
+            Pottering pranks!
+
+  Mr. CHAPLIN, take my tip! Science speaks in the same sense,
+  So does true philanthropy. Ought to have effect immense,
+            What they say.
+  Heed not that old woman there, with her spoilt and yelping pet;
+  I for every dog of _nous_ in the country speak, you bet.
+            Try! _Good_-day!
+
+    [_Trots out, comfortably muzzled_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOST APPROPRIATE.--We see, from some recently-reported proceedings,
+that the present Inspector appointed under the Infant Life Protection
+Act is "Mr. BABEY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION.
+
+_The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own
+reflection, writes as follows:--_
+
+"I look into the glass, Reader. What do I see?
+
+"I see a pair of laughing, _espiègle_, forget-me-not blue eyes,
+saucy and defiant; a _mutine_ little rose-bud of a mouth, with
+its ever-mocking _moue_; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play
+hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from
+underneath the satin folds of a _rose-thé_ dressing-gown, a dainty
+foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco
+slipper," &c., &c.
+
+(_Vide "Passionate Pauline," by Parbleu._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COMING MEETING.
+
+(_REPORTED FROM THE RAILWAY INTELLIGENCE OF 1892._)
+
+The Chairman, who on opening the proceedings was received with a
+feeble chorus of melancholy groans, said that he feared he had no
+better Report to make to the shareholders. ("_Oh! oh!_") It is
+true that he had one fact to mention, which was a matter of supreme
+congratulation, and he needn't say that that was that they hadn't
+yielded a single inch to the men. ("_Oh! oh!" and a Voice, "Oh!
+we've had enough of 'that'!")_ It is also true that this firm and
+unflinching front had necessitated some sacrifice, and had involved
+the Company in no little difficulty. (_Prolonged groans._) He was
+sorry to note these manifestations, for he had not only to announce
+to that meeting the non-payment of any dividend, even to the holders
+of the Company's Debenture Stock, but he had further to inform them,
+that, owing to some difficulty in settling the account of their coal
+contractors, these last had taken proceedings against them, and had
+seized not only all the contents of their refreshment-rooms, but also
+the whole of their rolling-stock. (_Prolonged wailing._) He grieved
+to say that the last two engines that the Company possessed, and which
+they had up to now hidden in the cloak-room at the Edinburgh terminus,
+were unfortunately discovered and seized last night. (_Groans._)
+Still, the Company did not despair of being able to carry on, at
+least, a portion of the Passenger Traffic (_Feeble laughter._) They
+might meet the statement with a manifestation of ridicule--but
+such was the case. It was with a sense of pride in their method of
+triumphing over difficulties, that he announced to the meeting, that a
+train of cattle-trucks would be started for the North daily at twelve
+o'clock, the motive power of which would be the Directors themselves.
+("_Oh! oh!")_ They could not say anything about _the pace_ at which
+the train would travel, but that, _with time_, it would do the
+distance he had little, if any doubt. It is true that in a similar
+experiment on a neighbouring line the train came to a dead halt in the
+first tunnel, and the passengers had to descend in the dark and grope
+their way out to the nearest station as well as they could, but this
+unsatisfactory experience would in no way deter them from making the
+experiment on their own behalf. (_Jeers._) He was sorry to see that
+the ordinary stock of the Company, which, a twelvemonth since, had
+touched 128-3/8,--could not now find purchasers in the Market at
+7-1/2. (_Groans._) But he hoped for better times. ("_Oh! oh!_") But,
+come what would, he would hold fast by his principles, which were,
+"_No Compromise, No Meeting Halfway, No Arbitration, No Concession!_"
+Men might starve, Trade collapse, the Country come to ruin, the
+Company disappear in Bankruptcy, but he cared not. The Directors had
+put their foot down, and, whether right or wrong, whatever happened,
+_there_ they meant, with a good down-right national and pig-headed
+obstinacy, to keep it.
+
+The Chairman was continuing in this strain, but, being interrupted
+by a shower of inkstands, was compelled to close his remarks, the
+proceedings coming to a somewhat abrupt conclusion, in a scene of
+considerable confusion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "STRAIT" TIP.
+
+  Oh, Mister BLAINE, we don't complain
+    That for your country's weal you're caring;
+  But, clever Yankee, _Punch_ would thank 'ee
+    Not to be quite so _over-Behring!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW VERSION.--Every dog must have his--_year_ (of muzzling).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GAME OF PEACE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_April_.--Grand informal meeting of the Crowned Heads of Europe (with
+the CZAR in the chair) to discuss a scheme of general disarmament,
+at which the Emperor of GERMANY creates a profound sensation by the
+announcement that, as a hint to his brother Monarchs, he has himself
+gone on to the retired list, burnt his cocked-hat, disbanded the
+Pomeranian Grenadiers, and confined Herr KRUPP for ten years in a
+second-class fortress.
+
+_May_.--By arrangement, all the great powers call in the uniforms of
+all their troops and present them to the King of the BELGIANS, on the
+understanding that, as the Emperor of the Congo, he shall forthwith
+transport them to Africa, and instantly commence the clothing of seven
+millions of the naked native population.
+
+_June_.--One hundred and eighty thousand horses, with military
+training, coming suddenly on to the market, four-in-hand Hansoms at a
+penny an hour, become common in all the great European capitals, and
+the Derby, for which there are 1371 entries, is won by a Cossack pony,
+trained in Siberia.
+
+_July_.--The barrels of all the magazine rifles melted down, and
+recast, utilised for the production of type-writers, which, being
+produced in large quantities, are supplied with instruction gratis
+to all the children attending the establishments of the London School
+Board, the stocks of the rifles being utilised for the manufacture of
+billiard-cues, walking-sticks, and umbrella-handles.
+
+_August_.--It being resolved to use up all the gunpowder without
+delay, a perpetual display of fireworks is inaugurated at Vienna,
+St. Petersburg, Berlin, Paris, and London, the show in the last-named
+capital including a gigantic set-piece of the Fifteen Decisive Battles
+of the World, which is given five times successively every evening at
+the Crystal Palace for three months, Piccadilly being illuminated from
+6 P.M. to 3 A.M. by the continuous discharge of coloured rockets.
+
+_September_.--The last 101-ton gun having been melted down for the
+forging of the metal piles for one of the four newly-projected Channel
+bridges, a nasty international feeling, fermented by General Officers
+who are obliged to sweep crossings and drive four-wheeled cabs for a
+livelihood,--and who do not like it,--begins to manifest itself, and
+diplomacy intervening irritably only to make matters worse, several
+ultimatums are dispatched from some of the Great Powers to others,
+but owing to the want of soldiers, the matter is put into the hands
+of International Solicitors, who, arranging a stand-up fight for the
+President of the French Republic and the CZAR against the Emperors of
+GERMANY and AUSTRIA, and the KING of ITALY, the matter somehow falls
+through for the moment, and the public excitement subsides.
+
+_October_.--General note from all the Great Powers to each other
+announcing their secession from the "League of Peace," and declaring
+their intention of resorting again to "_Protective Armament_" as soon
+as possible. War declared all round before the end of the month.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+AT THE GUELPH EXHIBITION.
+
+IN THE CENTRAL HALL.
+
+_A Thrifty Visitor_ (_on entering_). Catalogue? No. What's the use
+of a Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of a tract, that tells you
+nothing you don't know!
+
+_His Wife_ (_indicating a pile of Catalogues on table_). Aren't
+_these_ big enough for you?
+
+_The Thr. V._ Those? Why, they're big enough for the _London
+Directory_! Think I'm going to drag a thing like that about the place?
+You don't really want a Catalogue--it's all your fancy!
+
+_Mr. Prattler_ (_to Miss AMMERSON_). Oh, _do_ stop and look at these
+_sweet_ goldfish! Pets! Don't you _love_ them? _Aren't_ they tame?
+
+_Miss Ammerson_. Wouldn't do to have them _wild_--might jump out and
+_bite_ people, you know!
+
+_Mr. P._ It's _too_ horrid of you to make fun of my poor little
+enthusiasms! But really,--couldn't we get something and feed
+them?--_Do_ let's!
+
+_Miss A._ I daresay you could get ham-sandwiches in the Restaurant--or
+chocolates.
+
+_Mr. P._ How unkind you are to me! But I don't care. (_Wilfully._) I
+shall come here all by myself, and bring biscuits. Great big ones! Are
+you determined to take me into that big room with all the Portraits?
+Well, you must tell me who they all are then, and which are the
+Guelphiest ones.
+
+IN THE ROYAL ROOM.
+
+_Considerate Niece_ (_to Uncle_). They seem mostly Portraits here.
+You're sure you don't _mind_ looking at them, Uncle? I know so many
+people _do_ object to Portraits.
+
+_Uncle_ (_with the air of a Christian Martyr_). No, my dear, no: _I_
+don't mind 'em. Stay here as long as you like, I'll sit down and look
+at the people, till you've done.
+
+_First Critical Visitor_ (_examining a View of St. James's Park_).
+I wonder where that was taken. In Scotland, I expect--there's two
+Highlanders there, you see.
+
+_Second C.V._ Shouldn't wonder--lot o' work in that, all those
+different colours, and so many dresses. [_Admires, thoughtfully._
+
+_A Well-read Woman_. That's Queen CHARLOTTE, that is. GEORGE THE
+THIRD's wife, you know--her that was so _domestic_.
+
+_Her Companion_. Wasn't that the one that was shut up in the Tower, or
+something?
+
+_The W.W._ In the Tower? Lor, my dear, no, _I_ never 'eard of it.
+You're thinking of the TUDORS, or some o' that lot, I expect!
+
+_Her Comp._ Am I? I daresay. I never _could_ remember 'Istry. Why,
+if you'll believe me, I always have to stop and think which of the
+GEORGES came first!
+
+_More Critical Visitors_ (_before Portraits_). He's rather
+pleasant-looking, don't you think? I _don't_ like _her_ face at all.
+So peculiar. And what a hideous dress--like a tea-gown without any
+upper part--frightful!
+
+_A Sceptical V._ They all seem to have had such thin lips in those
+days. Somehow, I _can't_ bring myself to believe in such very thin
+lips--can _you_, dear?
+
+_Her Friend_. I always think it's a sign of meanness, myself.
+
+_The S.V._ No; but I mean--I can't believe _everyone_ had them in the
+eighteenth century.
+
+_Her Friend_. Oh, I don't know. If it was the fashion!
+
+ABOUT THE CASES.
+
+_Visitor_ (_admiring an embroidered waistcoat of the time of GEORGE
+THE SECOND--a highly popular exhibit_). What lovely work! Why, it
+looks as if it was done yesterday!
+
+_Her Companion_ (_who is not in the habit of allowing his enthusiasm
+to run away with him_). Um--yes, it's not bad. But, of course, they
+wouldn't send a thing like that here without having it washed and done
+up first!
+
+_An Old Lady_. "Tea-pot used by the Duke of WELLINGTON during his
+campaigns." So he drank _tea_, did he? Dear me! Do you know, my dear,
+I think I must have _my_ old tea-pot engraved. It will make it so much
+more interesting some day!
+
+IN THE SOUTH GALLERY.
+
+_Mr. Prattler_ (_before a Portrait of Lady HAMILTON, by ROMNEY_).
+There! Isn't she too charming? I do call her a perfect _duck_.'
+
+_Miss Ammerson_. Yes, you mustn't forget her when you bring those
+biscuits.
+
+_An Amurrcan Girl_. Father, see up there; there's BYRON. Did you erver
+see such a purrfectly beautiful face?
+
+_Her Father_ (_solemnly_). He was a beautiful _Man_--a beautiful Poet.
+
+_The A.G._ I know--but the _expression_, it's real saint-like!
+
+_Father_ (_slowly_). Well, I guess if he'd had any different kind of
+expression, he wouldn't have written the things he _did_ write, and
+that's a fact!
+
+_A Moralising Old Lady_ (_at Case O_). No. 1260. "Ball of Worsted
+wound by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet, for Mrs. UNWIN." NO. 1261.
+"Netting done by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet." How very nice, and what a
+difference in the habit of literary persons _nowadays_, my dear!
+
+IN THE CENTRAL HALL.--_MR. WHITEROSE, A JACOBITE FIN DE SIÈCLE, IS
+SEATED ON A BENCH BESIDE A SEEDY STRANGER._
+
+_The S.S._ (_half to himself_). Har, well, there's one comfort, these
+'ere GUELPHS'll get notice to quit afore we're _much_ older!
+
+_Mr. Whiterose_ (_surprised_). You say so? Then--you too are of the
+Young England Party! I am rejoiced to hear it. You cheer me; it is a
+sign that the good Cause is advancing.
+
+_The S.S._ Advancin'? I believe yer. Why, I know a dozen and more as
+are workin' 'art and soul for it!
+
+_Mr. W._ You do? We are making strides, indeed! Our England has
+suffered these usurpers too long.
+
+_The S.S._ Yer right. But we'll chuck 'em out afore long, and it'll be
+"Over goes the Show" with the lot, eh?
+
+_Mr. W._ I had no idea that the--er--intelligent artisan classes were
+so heartily with us. We must talk more of this. Come and see me. Bring
+your friends--all you can depend upon. Here is my card.
+
+_The S.S._ (_putting the card in the lining of his hat_). Right,
+Guv'nor; we'll come. I wish there was more gents like yer, I do!
+
+_Mr. W._ We are united by a common bond. We both detest--do we
+not?--the Hanoverian interlopers. We are both pledged never to rest
+until we have brought back to the throne of our beloved England,
+her lawful sovereign lady--(_uncovering_)--our gracious MARY of
+Austria-Este, the legitimate descendant of CHARLES the Blessed Martyr!
+
+_The S.S._ 'Old on, Guv'nor! Me and my friends are with yer so fur
+as doing away with these 'ere hidle GUELPHS; but blow yer MARY of
+Orstria, yer know. Blow _'er_!
+
+_Mr. W._ (_horrified_). Hush--this is rank treason! Remember--she is
+the lineal descendant of the House of Stuart!
+
+_The S.S._ What of it? There won't be no lineal descendants when we
+git _hour_ way, 'cause there won't be nothing to descend to nobody.
+The honly suv'rin _we_ mean to 'ave is the People--the Democrisy. But
+there, you're young, me and my friends'll soon tork you over to hour
+way o' thinking. I dessay we ain't fur apart, as it is. I got yer
+address, and we'll drop in on yer some night--never fear. No hevenin'
+dress, o' course?
+
+_Mr. W._ Of course. I--I'll look out for you. But I'm seldom
+in--hardly _ever_, in fact.
+
+_The S.S._ Don't you fret about _that_. Me and my friends ain't
+nothing partickler to do just now. We'll _wait_ for yer. I should like
+yer to know ole BILL GABB. You should 'ear _that_ feller goin' on agin
+the GUELPHS when he's 'ad a little booze--it 'ud do your 'art good!
+Well, I on'y come in 'ere as a deligate like, to report, and I seen
+enough. So 'ere's good-day to yer.
+
+_Mr. W._ (_alone_). I shall have to change my rooms--and I _was_ so
+comfortable! Well, well,--another sacrifice to the Cause!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There was a bronze group by POLLET among the specimens of sculpture in
+the French _Salon_, some twenty years ago,--"It may be more or less
+an hour or so," as the poet sings,--representing a female form being
+carried upwards in the embrace of a rather evil-looking Angel. It
+illustrated a poem by the Vicomte ALFRED DE VIGNY, which I remember
+reading, in consequence of this very statue having come into my
+possession (it was afterwards sold at Messrs. CHRISTIE, MANSON &
+WOODS, under the style and title of "Lot 121, _Elsa_"), and it
+occurs to me that it was on precisely the same theme as the other
+ALFRED's--not the _Vicomte_ but _Mister_ ALFRED AUSTIN's--"_The Tower
+of Babel_," which I have just read with much pleasure, and, with some
+profit; the moral, as I take it, being favourable to the Temperance
+cause, as a warning against all spirits, good, bad, or indifferent.
+_Afrael_, the inhabitant of a distant star, falls in love with
+_Noema_, the wife of the atheistical Babelite _Aran_, to whom she has
+borne a son, aged in the poem, as far as I can make out, about eight
+years, and a fine boy for that. Anyhow, it makes _Noema_ at least
+twenty-five, supposing she married at sweet seventeen, and, indeed,
+she alludes to herself in the poem as no longer in her first youth.
+
+Well, _Aran_, who is very far from being a domestic character, is
+struck down by avenging lightning at the destruction of the Tower
+of Babel, and _Noema_ is left a widow, with her child, who has been
+protected in the _mêlée_ by the Spirit _Afrael's_ taking him out of
+it, and restoring him to his mother's arms. When, after this, the
+infatuated spirit-lover _Afrael_ requests _Noema_ to say the word
+which shall make a man of him, and a husband of him too at the same
+time, she modestly refuses, until she has had a decent time to order
+her widow's weeds at her milliner's and wear them for about a month or
+so, at the expiration of which interval _Afrael_ may, if he be still
+of the same mind, call in again, and pop the question.
+
+_Afrael_ bids good-bye to the Upper House, and, his heart being
+ever true to _Poll_--meaning _Noema_--he returns, makes an evening
+call upon her, and asks her, in effect, "Is it to be '_Yes-ema_,'
+or '_No-ema_'?" The bashful widow chooses the former, and the
+Spirit-lover _Afrael_, renouncing his immortality, i.e., giving
+up spirits, becomes plain _Mr. Afrael_, and an ordinary, as far as
+anybody can judge, a very ordinary mortal, showing what a change a
+drop of spirits can effect in a constitution. Now I should like the
+poem "continued in our next." I should like to hear _how_ they got
+on together: and, as longevity was considerable in those patriarchal
+days, I should like to know how they got on together when _Afrael
+Esquire_ was 195, and his wife, _Noema_, was 200. Did _Afrael_ never
+again take to his spirits? Or, did he become miserable and hipped
+having entirely lost his spirits? Did his wife never make sarcastic
+reference to the "stars" with whom he had formerly been acquainted?
+And how about her boy, his step-son? Did they have any family? Whence
+came the money?
+
+Perhaps Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN (whose works are being printed by MACMILLAN
+in a collected form, and among them _The Satire_ now historic)
+will give us an entirely new volume on the same subject, telling an
+expectant public all about _Mr._ and _Mrs. Afrael chez eux_, and, in
+fact, something spicy about this strangely assorted couple; for Poet
+ALFRED will do well to remember and act upon his own dictum when, in
+the preface to _The Satire_, he observed, and with truth, that had he
+originally "written with the grave decorum of a secluded moralist,
+he would" by this time "have gone down into the limbo of forgotten
+bores."
+
+Into that limbo A.A. will never descend. It is delightful to find
+him dedicating his book to Lord LYTTON, to whom--when L.L. was
+OWEN MEREDITH, ALFREDO _mio_ had pointed out that, "in one serious
+particular, he had overlooked parental admonition," and observing on
+that occasion that, "had OWEN MEREDITH even a glimpse of the truth,
+we" (A.A. himself, in 1861, much "we"-er then than now--"_et alors, il
+grandira, il grandira!_") "should have been spared the final _tableau_
+of repentance and forgiveness which concludes _Lucile_." But, thank
+goodness, we (the Baron, and his literary friends) have _not_ been
+spared the touching picture of repentance and forgiveness in ALFRED
+AUSTIN's dedicating his latest poem to Lord LYTTON. _Sic transit ira
+poetarum!_
+
+In _The Season_ ALFREDO sang--
+
+  "I claim the precious privilege of youth,
+  Never to speak except to speak the truth."
+
+But those lines were not written the day before yesterday, and as he
+can no longer "claim" the aforesaid "precious privilege," he can in
+his more mature years "go as he pleases." And there is so much "go"
+in him that he always pleases; so the Baron anticipates the sequel to
+_The Tower of Babel_ on the lines already suggested, presumptuous as
+it may seem to suggest lines to a poet.
+
+_Phra the Phoenician_, a very clever idea, with which BULWER would
+have performed mysteriously thrilling wonders, but which Mr. ARNOLD
+has written at once too heavily and treated too lightly, in too much
+of a "so-called nineteenth century style;" which is a pity, as it is
+full of dramatic incident, and the interest well kept up through some
+two thousand years or so, more or less. He is a wonder is _Mister
+Phra_, and might well be called _Phra Diavolo_ instead of _Phra the
+Phoenician_. Sir EDWIN ARNOLD has written a preface to the volume,
+and seems to express a wish that the wonders here recorded could be
+possibilities of everyday life. But, if so, as _Mr. Weller, Senior_,
+observed, _à propos_ of "there being a Providence in it," "O' course
+there is, SAMMY; or what 'ud become o' the undertakers?" And as to
+cremation--well, such an utter corporeal extinction would be the
+only way of putting an end to the terrestrial existence of _Phra the
+Phoenician_, who, however, "might rise," as _Mrs. Malaprop_ would say,
+"like a Phoenician from the ashes."
+
+The appearance of _A New Lady Audley_ is rather late in the
+half-century as a "skit" on Miss BRADDON's celebrated novel. Now and
+then I found an amusing bit in it, but, on the whole, poor stuff, says
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+My faithful "Co." has been reading poetry and prose, and thus
+communicates the result of his studies:--There is genuine but
+unassuming poetry, which is, after all, only another way of saying
+fine feeling finely expressed, in _Corn and Poppies_, by COSMO
+MONKHOUSE (ELKIN MATHEWS). Much of the verse is musical, and there
+is throughout a vein of thoughtfulness which never degenerates into
+a morbid brooding. I commend particularly "Any Soul to any Body,"
+"A Dead March," and "Mysteries," as good examples of Mr. MONKHOUSE's
+style. So much for verse. Let me now to prose. Like my baronial Chief,
+I say, "Bring me my boots!" and let them be thick, so that I may
+trudge safely through Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING's latest, "_The Light that
+Failed" (Lippincott's Monthly Magazine_, January). This is described
+as Mr. KIPLING's first long story. His publishers, moreover, are good
+enough to take all the trouble of criticism upon their own shoulders.
+They declare that "there is more stern strength in this novel than
+in anything which Mr. KIPLING has written;" but that is, after all,
+only a comparative statement, which profits me little, as I never yet
+estimated the amount of "stern strength" in Mr. KIPLING's previous
+writings. I am, however, told, in addition, that the tale "is as
+intensely moving as it is intensely masculine" (there's lovely
+language!) "and it will not be surprising if it should prove to be
+the literary sensation of the year." To such an expression of opinion
+by competent judges it would be futile to attempt to add very much.
+I will only say, therefore, that the "sensation" produced in me by
+this novel is one of the most disagreeable I ever experienced. The
+characters are, for the most part, inordinately dull, preposterously
+conceited, and insufferably brutal. As for _Dick Heldar_, the hero, no
+more disagreeable and hateful bully-puppy ever thought and talked in
+disconnected gasps through ninety-seven pages. The catastrophe moves
+no pity. Mr. KIPLING seems to despise the public, "who think with
+their boots, and read with their elbows;" but so clever a man might
+surely show his contempt less crudely. KIPLING, I love thee, but never
+more write such another tale!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.
+
+_Hostess_. "WON'T YOU TRY SOME OF THAT JELLY, HERR SILBERMUND?"
+
+_Herr Silbermund_ (_who has just been helped to Pudding_). "ACH, ZANK
+YOU, NO. I VOOT 'RAHZER PEAR VIZ ZE ILLS VE HAF, ZAN VLY TO OZZERS ZAT
+VE KNOW NOT OF.'" [_Herr S. is particularly proud of his knowledge of
+Shakspeare._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WORSE THAN EVER!"
+
+FARMER SMITH _LOQUITUR_:--
+
+  "To market, to market, to buy a fat pig!"
+    Yes, so runs the old-fashioned nursery rhyme,
+  And a porker that's plump, and round-barrel'd and big,
+    Is good business,--or used to be once on a time.
+  But now, they're the horriblest nuisance on earth
+  Are Pigs, and a great deal more plague than they're worth.
+
+  I begin to believe 'twould be better by far
+    If Pigs, like the Dodo, extinct could become.
+  They involve one in nothing but jangle and jar,
+    And as to large profits, why that's all a hum.
+  "Please the Pigs?" That's absurd, a mere obsolete wheeze,
+  For Pigs are precisely the beasts you _can't_ please!
+
+  Gee up, _Dobbin_, old lad! Home's in sight; you have borne
+    My burden, and that of my basket, right well,
+  Your carrying power some neighbours would scorn,
+    But you're sound and good grit, though you mayn't look a swell.
+  We're starting, lad, after our short half-way halt,
+  If we don't make good time it will not be our fault.
+
+  We did the first stretch unexpectedly slick,
+    My basket well loaded a feather-weight seemed,
+  The road was so smooth, and your canter so quick,
+    'Twas better, old lad, than we either had dreamed.
+  A great disappointment to some folk, I think.
+  Then we halted half-way for a rest and a drink.
+
+  That big Irish Pig, which had plagued us so oft.
+    Was away,--running after its head or its tail!
+  Oh joy, _Dobbin_, dear, to jog on, and go soft,
+    No row, no obstruction by hedge-gap or rail.
+  Ah, then they discovered the pace and the pith
+  Of _Dobbin_ the dull, and his mount, Farmer SMITH.
+
+  Now all seems smooth sailing! Hillo! What was that?
+    A squeak? Nay, it sounds like a chorus of squeaks!
+  Don't shy, my dear _Dobbin_--you'll shake off my hat.
+    The lane here grows narrow. Who's there? No one speaks.
+  But that raucous "hrumph! hrumph!" that cacophonous yell!
+  'Tis Pig-noise, and Irish--I know it so well.
+
+  It is right in the road, it is plump in the gap.
+    Steady, _Dobbin_! Don't halt for this hullaballoo--
+  Gee up! and go steady, now there's a good chap.
+    What, the same plaguy Pig! Nay, by Jove, _there are two!_
+  And they're fighting each other, these porkers perverse,
+  In the gap we must pass! Oh! this grows worse and worse!
+
+    [_Whips up Dobbin._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KOCH SURE!
+
+SCENE--_A PLACE OF MEETING. ENTER BROWN AND JONES. THEY SALUTE ONE
+ANOTHER_.
+
+_Brown_ (_excitedly_). Have you heard the good news?
+
+_Jones_ (_stolidly_). What good news?
+
+_Brown_. That Dr. KOCH has at length revealed his secret?
+
+_Jones_ (_startled_). No, has he! Dear me! And that I should have
+missed so pleasant a piece of intelligence! And so he has told an
+anxiously-expectant world the cause of his success! Can _you_ explain
+the matter to me?
+
+_Brown_ (_cheerfully_). With the assistance of the Public Press, to be
+sure I can. See here, I will give you the solution to the problem, as
+told by the Journals, "without puzzling technicalities."
+
+_Jones_. I hang upon your words with an impatience that
+politeness--the outcome of civilisation--alone renders endurable.
+
+_Brown_. Then you must know that Dr. KOCH has discovered that the
+remedy for tuberculosis consists of a glycerine extract of a pure
+cultivation of tubercle bacilli, the local effect of which, when
+injected into a healthy guinea-pig, produces a nodule found at the
+point of inoculation, which, when a second puncture is perpetrated,
+causes what may be called the bacillary fluid to be brought into the
+current of its circulation, so that the infected tissue may react upon
+the agent which it had previously been able to resist. I am not quite
+sure that I have got the _exact_ words, but that's the idea. Simple,
+isn't it?
+
+_Jones_. Very! [_Exeunt severally._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WORSE THAN EVER!"
+
+FARMER SMITH. "TUT-T-T! _TWO OF 'EM!_ BAD ENOUGH WHEN THERE WAS ONLY
+ONE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOMESTIC MELODIES.
+
+(_BY SANCHO PRESTON PANZA._)
+
+WINTER BATH-SONG.
+
+  For weeks the sun each morn arose
+    As 'tis his nature to,
+  But little difference he made
+  Sopp'd by the fog's asthmatic shade;
+  From day's beginning till its close
+    The day no brighter grew.
+  Above the sheets, the sleeper's nose
+    Peep'd shyly, as afraid,
+  While 'neath the dark and draughty flue
+  The burnt-out cinders meanly strew
+  The hearth, where now no firelight glows,
+    No waiting warmth is laid.
+
+  Full many a morn I sprang from bed,
+    As o'er the deadly brink
+  The wretch, with courage of despair,
+  Leaps from the slimy river-stair,
+  By hopeless hope unthinking sped,
+    Ere he can pause to think.
+  Cold as the efforts of the dead,
+    The needle-atom'd air,
+  Impinged upon the limbs that shrink.
+  On shivering shanks, and eyelids pink,
+  And bound its bands about the head,
+    And chill'd the underwear.
+
+  The frost that held us in its grip,
+    Would raise the prisoning paw,
+  And Nature, like a mouse set free,
+  Enjoyed delusive liberty,
+  While every water-pipe must drip
+    To greet the passing thaw.
+  Then rudely dashed from eager lip
+    The cup of joy would be,
+  And fingers numbed, and chattering jaw,
+  Owned unexpelled the winter's flaw,
+  And on the steps the goodmen slip,
+    And shout the major D.
+
+  Long like a fossil tipsy-cake
+    The sponge each morn appeared;
+  The bath, if plenished over-night,
+  Was frozen ere the morning light,
+  And more that frigid water-ache
+    Than unwashed days I feared,
+  Now while the milder zephyrs shake
+    Once more the winter's might,
+  My sponge, my bath, by loss endeared,
+  Shall dree no more a lonely weird;
+  And as young ducks to water take,
+    Shall be my bath ward flight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD DEVON!
+
+Mr. W.H. SMITH will return to Grosvenor Place from Torquay on Monday,
+for the opening of Parliament.
+
+  'Tis pity of you, OLD MORALITY,
+  Back from your rest to loud banality.
+  After St. Stephen's shindy, Devon
+  No doubt appeared a very heaven:
+  But cream's as much like water chalky
+  As Torquay Torrs to Talky-Talky!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF INITIALS.
+
+"Often as I may have been invited," Mr. T.M. HEALY is reported to
+have said, in the course of a recent speech, "I never yet put a toe
+inside his house." Memorable words. Henceforth, name changed to
+TOE-AND-HEALY, M.P.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORD TO MOTHERS.
+
+    [A well-known Dramatic Critic has recently spoken of a play as
+    "just the play in which growing girls will delight."]
+
+  O Anxious Mothers, come and listen
+    To what just now I've got to say.
+  If I'm not wrong, your eyes will glisten
+    Before the end of this my lay.
+  With strong affection overflowing--
+    Your children are indeed your pearls--
+  You can't help feeling pleased at knowing
+    The play's the thing--for growing girls!
+
+  The pages of a lady's journal
+    I've very often read with care,
+  The news, the gossiping eternal,
+    You're always sure of getting there.
+  Of how you ought to bind your tresses,
+    The latest styles, the tint in hair,
+  And there I've seen the kind of dresses
+    It's right for growing girls to wear.
+
+  But never once the slightest mention
+    Of what they'd better go and see,
+  And yet it's clear that some attention
+    To such a thing there ought to be.
+  For sentiment and love they're frantic,
+    They're fond of knights and belted earls,
+  A play that's just the least romantic--
+    Yes, that's the play for growing girls.
+
+  A crowing child, who loves to prattle,
+    Can easily be kept at rest.
+  You've only got to get a rattle,
+    Or p'raps a dolly would be best.
+  A bouncing boy will blow a bubble,
+    And want no more the livelong day;
+  But if a growing girl gives trouble,
+    You've got to take her to the play!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PIONEER IN PETTICOATS.
+
+    [An American Lady is about to explore Africa, on humane
+    principles.]
+
+_Arrive in Africa_.--Convinced that real way of taming the savage
+heart is by _Feminine Tact_. No need of brutal habits of male
+adventurers. Two negresses, from "Ole Virginny," with me, who said
+they would like to "see Africa again"; a few Arabs, to carry our
+baggage. Intend to study home-life of African tribes, and to get them
+to talk into my phonograph.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Month Later_.--Have had to exhibit more Feminine Tact than I
+expected. Got entangled in swampy forest on Zambesi (I think), and
+Arabs declined to extricate us unless their pay was doubled! Also one
+of negresses--horrid woman!--has deserted me--come to place that she
+pretended to recognise as her native village, and said she meant to
+stay! Tact useless with females!
+
+_On Lake Tanganyika_--or if it isn't Lake Tanganyika, it's _an
+entirely new lake_,--which I have been the first to discover! Suffer a
+good deal from fever and queer diet. Am studying native home-life.
+
+_Later_.--Have left two Arabs and my remaining negress on Lake, and
+gone myself to look for STANLEY's Dwarfs. Told that TIPPOO TIB is
+somewhere about. Also advised to be very careful not to fall in with
+the "man-eating Manyuema."
+
+_Still Later_.--Did fall in with them! Also fell out with them.
+They made all preparations for using me as a side-dish at a cannibal
+banquet, when TIPPOO TIB arrived and released me.
+
+_Tanganyika again!_--Back here safe and sound! TIPPOO TIB turned out
+most unsatisfactory. Wanted to marry me!--with a hundred other wives
+already! Not prepared for _this_ sort of home-life. Managed to get
+away by describing to him a Remington typewriter, and promising if he
+let me go, to bring one back _at once_.
+
+Find that my "rear-guard"--the negress and Arabs--have been up to
+fearful pranks during my absence. Negress killed and ate one of Arabs,
+and then other Arab killed and ate negress! Tell remaining Arab I
+shall have him punished when I get to Coast. Arab says he'll get there
+first, and publish a book showing _me_ up!
+
+_Latest_.--Left alone in middle of Africa, with a phonograph, several
+bales of baggage, and a diary. Question now is--will Feminine Tact
+show me road to Zanzibar?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY HONOURS.--"SMITH's Prizeman"--ARTHUR BALFOUR. The "Senior
+Wrangler" (for several years past)--Mr. GLADSTONE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTE-BOOK.
+
+(_FOR THE USE OF PROFESSIONAL DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR
+ENTERTAINERS._)
+
+_The Meeting of Parliament_.--This is not a very promising subject,
+but mild mirth may be produced in outlying districts (say Southend or
+Honiton, Devon) by observing, that the rock upon which the Irish Party
+went to pieces was a happy one--in fact, a GLAD-STONE. This, strictly
+speaking, is _not_ a new jest, and therefore must be helped out by
+a burst of self-supplied laughter. You might add, that as Members of
+Parliament are obliged, by the rules of the House, to address their
+colleagues _standing_, there would he little chance of a _seated_
+discussion. But you must, however, take care to cough when you say
+_seated_, so that those on the look-out for a brilliant _bon-mot_ may
+know that you mean _heated_.
+
+_The Revolt in Chili_.--The name of the place in which the
+disturbances have occurred will help you effectively to remark that
+the outbreak is seasonable during the present inclement weather. As
+the Army sympathises with the Government, and the sister service
+with the rioters, you can suggest "that knaves would, of course, be
+supported by the _Navy_!" This may lead up to a really magnificent
+burst of waggery in the assertion that the dissentients must of
+necessity be "all at sea."
+
+_The New Archbishop of York_.--Insist that his Grace is a Scotchman,
+and not an Irishman, and prove your proposition by declaring that
+the road to success was "MACGEE's (pronounced MAGGIE's) secret!"
+This really splendid flash of humour will bear polishing--as written
+it seems a little in the rough. You may refer to the Primate's
+universally acknowledged partiality for quiet sarcasm, by saying that
+"ever since he joined the ecclesiastical Bench he has been known as
+an _arch_ Bishop!" These entertaining quibbles, delicately handled,
+should be received with enthusiasm at a five o'clock tea in a Deanery.
+
+_The New Play at the Haymarket_.--As the plot turns upon the doings of
+the Society of Friends, you may extract a jest by saying "that many
+of the characters trembled with anxiety before its production--in
+fact, were _quakers_!" The name of the Manager of the Haymarket has
+frequently been the subject of a quip, if not a crank; still it may
+yet serve as a peg for slyly observing that, "At the fall of the
+Curtain, TREE, naturally enough, appeared with a _bough_!"
+
+_The Weather_.--Of course you must introduce this subject, and as
+everything that _can_ be said _has_ been said about it, you may quote
+SYDNEY SMITH as your authority for observing, that the only possible
+sport for M.F.H.'s at this time of the year must be "_hunt--the
+slipper!_" If the point of this "good thing" is not immediately
+obvious, the fault will be with SIDNEY SMITH, and not with you.
+And this quaint oddity should satiate your audience with mirth and
+merriment until next week--and even longer!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A COLD RECEPTION: OR PARLIAMENT MEETING IN A BLIZZARD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STILL ANOTHER CHAPTER OF MY MEMOIR.
+
+(_IN SUPPLEMENT OF "HARPER."_)
+
+BY MONSIEUR VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Forget at this moment where I was born, but I lived long enough at
+Marseilles to be married in that great southern French city. My wife's
+father had been in the Marines; her uncle (on the grandfather's side)
+had been a _Sapeur pompier_. Thus did I, as it were, become _lié_ with
+the sea and land forces of my adopted country. My wife's mother was
+a descendant of a noble but anonymous family in the Vosges, whilst
+her maternal uncle was accustomed to attach to himself some local
+unpopularity by preferring for investigation a complicated sheet which
+set forth his genealogy, tracing his origin back to the Bourbons.
+
+You ask me which Bourbon? I frankly answer, I cannot tell. My wife's
+maternal uncle spoke of them as "_the_ Bourbons," just as you talk
+of "_the_ Groceries," and no one asks you _Lequel_? As for my own
+ancestry, I do not speak of it. I have never been in the habit of
+thrusting myself on the attention of the public. It is sufficient
+for me that my wife's maternal uncle's ancestors were Bourbons.
+
+I first began to take charge of public affairs in connection with
+an election that took place in the city where I found myself. M.
+DE LESSEPS opposed THIERS and GAMBETTA. He presented himself as an
+independent candidate. Was he? I suspected. Already I had my secret
+agents in every centre of population. One, whose letter bore the
+post-mark the Pyramids, placed in my hand proof that DE LESSEPS was an
+official candidate of the Empire. I secretly conveyed this information
+to a local newspaper. The news burst like a tempest on the public of
+Marseilles, and swept away in its irresistible whirl the candidature
+of M. DE LESSEPS.
+
+This was pretty well for a first newspaper paragraph, worth at the
+time, as I remember thinking, more than the paltry three sous a line
+that became my due. But I had made more than a few sous--I had made an
+enemy! Years after, BISMARCK told me how, chatting with NAPOLEON THE
+THIRD at Donchery, that fallen monarch had recalled this incident, in
+which his prophetic eye justly discerned the beginning of the end. He
+admitted that he had said to the EMPRESS, "France is too small for me
+and VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP. One of us must cross _la Manche_."
+
+Sublime! One of us did.
+
+But my time was not yet. My friends advised, nay, besought me to leave
+Marseilles. Towards the end of this year (1869) I took their advice,
+and retired to a small property I chanced to have in the centre of
+the Landes. This place being dry, and somewhat remote, was peculiarly
+suitable for watching the growth of great problems with a mind
+unbiassed by any knowledge of facts. I saw the Franco-German question
+grow, and I foresaw how it would end. I wrote to THIERS, and told
+him all about it. When the war broke out I mounted my stilts, and
+cautiously made my way across the untrodden track, following my
+Destiny. I had predicted the downfall of the Empire, and, in its last
+gasp, the Empire strove to wither me. Proceedings had been commenced,
+when Sedan put an end to them.
+
+At this epoch France was on her knees, beaten down by the German hand,
+her eyes blind with blood and tears. One thing alone could cheer her.
+I could do it, and I did. I applied for Letters of Naturalisation.
+Some weeks later I became a French citizen, and received a letter from
+M. ADOLPH CRÉMIEUX, then Minister of Justice, and never suspected
+of being a wag. He wrote: "Your application for Naturalisation in
+the midst of our great disasters, is for me the signal of a new life
+for us. A country which in the midst of such catastrophes recruits
+citizens like you, is not to be despaired of."
+
+Years after, THIERS, then President of the Republic, said, "I
+never will forget that you became a Frenchman in the time of our
+misfortunes." EDMUND ABOUT picturesquely said, "_Il s'est fait
+naturaliser vaincu._" BISMARCK has told me that the Emperor WILLIAM,
+then at Versailles, in the first flush of triumph at touch on his brow
+of the Imperial diadem, hearing of the event through the capturing
+of a balloon despatched with the news to dolorous Paris, passed a
+sleepless night.
+
+"I fear me" he said, "all will now be lost."
+
+"Not at all, your Majesty," said BISMARCK, affecting an indifference
+he assures me he did not feel. "There is not even a Frenchman the
+more. They have lost an Emperor and gained VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP.
+_Ce met égal._"
+
+"Not quite," said the Emperor, with subtle flattery. The Emperor
+WILLIAM, though he had his failings, was a keen judge of the
+comparative value of men.
+
+The limits of this article compel me to glance hastily over succeeding
+epochs in a career with the main drift of which the civilised world
+is already familiar. After saving Marseilles to the Republic, by a
+series of actions alternating between desperate valour and brilliant
+strategy, I went to Paris to report on the great event. Calling on the
+official entrusted with the duty of considering claims to decorations,
+I began at once by saying that my own name must not be taken into
+consideration.
+
+"Let my name," I said, gently but firmly, "be scored out in the
+proposed list of decorations."
+
+"_Mais, Monsieur_" he said, "there is no such list."
+
+I, however, was not to be put off with excuse of that kind. I
+insisted, both to the Secretary of the Minister of War, to M. THIERS,
+that I should not be decorated. I was only too successful. When the
+list came out, all my associates at Marseilles were decorated. I was
+not included. This was all right. It was what I had requested. I could
+say nothing. All the same, I could not help thinking that my advice
+had been too literally accepted.
+
+Every morning, for a week after, I called on M. THIERS. At the end
+of the sixth day he said, "You must go to Riga. I do not quite know
+where it is, but it sounds remote. You shall be Consul at Riga." I was
+delighted. Like the President, I was not sure where Riga was; but the
+salary was certain, and there was fine old Roman flavour about the
+title Consul.
+
+But it was not to be. I was predestined to be a great Newspaper
+Correspondent. How that came about cannot be told in this chapter. I
+will only say that early in my new career I secured the approbation of
+Mr. DELANE, who, I need scarcely say, was the most competent judge the
+world ever saw of the merits of a journalist.
+
+At the risk of being dry and bald, I have confined myself to telling
+accurately what has happened, my greatest ambition being to leave no
+one the chance of misrepresenting, as his whim, fancy, or passion may
+dictate, facts in which I am so deeply interested. Let those note
+them who, after my time, have to defend my memory should it ever be
+attacked.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "The Shinner Quartette;" or, Musical Football.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MORE HONOURED IN THE BREACH THAN THE OBSERVANCE."--Breach of Promise
+cases--as a rule.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GENERAL VIEW OF "PRIVATE INQUIRY."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I am sufficiently old-fashioned, when I go to the play, to wish to
+be amused. I frankly admit I do not care to be taught a lesson, or to
+have my mind harrowed by the presentation of some psychological study.
+I can remember WRIGHT, and even HARLEY, and the days when a good
+piece of fun was the last item of the programme at the Adelphi and
+the Olympic--the chief attraction of the Pittites, who patronised
+"half-price." This being so, I am glad to find at the Strand--a
+theatre recalling memories of JIMMY ROGERS and JOHNNY CLARKE, PATTY
+OLIVER and CHARLOTTE SAUNDERS, to say nothing of a lady who was not
+only Queen of Comedy but Empress of Burlesque--"_Private Inquiry_," a
+thoroughly well acted and rattling farce in three Acts. It is from the
+French, but as the task of adaptation has been entrusted to the Author
+who turned _Bébé_ the Frisky into _Betsy_ the Wholesome, any scruples
+of conscience that the LORD CHAMBERLAIN may possibly have entertained
+on reading the original have been successfully removed, and the play,
+consequently, is not only highly entertaining, but absolutely free
+from offence. I did not see it until it had reached its eighth night,
+and I do not remember a piece, taken as a whole, so excellently acted.
+Although he does not appear until the Second Act, Mr. WILLIE EDOUIN,
+as _'Arry 'Ooker_, the Private Inquiry Agent, is _the_ feature of the
+performance. His politeness to ladies, his assumption of businesslike
+habits, suggested by his reading and spiking of bogus telegrams
+brought to him when he is engaged with a client, his urbanity under
+difficulties, and his cheerful acceptance of the inevitable in
+whatever shape presented, are all admirable points, and points that
+are fully appreciated by the audience. Roars of laughter follow the
+one after the other when _'Arry 'Ooker_ is on the stage. Nothing can
+be more absurd than his make-up, his bows, his grimaces, and yet under
+the surface there is a vein of pathos that causes one to feel a pang
+of genuine regret when the poverty-stricken, light-hearted rogue, who,
+if he cannot secure a hundred guineas, is equally ready to accept a
+"tenner," is marched oft to penal servitude as the Curtain falls. The
+clerk of this entertaining individual, _Toby_, is played by a boy like
+a boy, by Master Buss. Farther, Mr. ALFRED MALTBY could not be better
+as the suspicious and bamboozled husband, _Richard Wrackham_. Again,
+even the small part of _Alexander_, a Waiter, is well played. Once
+more--the ladies, without exception, are capital; and as a result of
+this all-round excellence, the piece "goes," from a quarter to nine
+till just eleven, with a _verve_ that must be most satisfactory to
+all concerned. So I can congratulate the Author upon a piece full of
+lines that tell, and the Manager upon a play that is likely to rival
+in popularity its predecessor, the phenomenally-successful _Our Flat._
+And I can offer these congratulations with a dear conscience, because
+I am neither Author of the piece nor Manager of the theatre, but as
+Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, QUITE ANOTHER FELLOW.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LARKS!
+
+SIR,--I am surprised that any of your Correspondents should doubt that
+birds eat snow. There is a bull-finch in my aviary, and I tried him.
+He ate it ravenously. Strange to say, he has not uttered a sound
+since! My wife says, "Probably his _pipe_ is frozen." This is such a
+good joke, I think you ought to have it.
+
+Yours, LOVER OF NATURE.
+
+
+SIR,--You may like to have the following story in support of the idea
+that animals are aware that snow is frozen water. It was related to
+me by a rather rackety nephew, who has lived part of his life in South
+America, and whose word can be strictly relied on. He relates that
+once, when he was travelling among the Andes, at an elevation of some
+twenty thousand feet, his mules became very thirsty, and no water was
+obtainable. Each animal seized a _calabash_ with its teeth, filled it
+with snow, and trotted off to the crater of an adjacent volcano; it
+then waited till the lava melted the snow, which it drank up, and
+finally trotted back again. My nephew says he should not have believed
+a mule could be so clever, if he had not seen it.
+
+Yours obediently, SAMUEL SOBERSIDES.
+
+
+SIR,--Since writing you that letter about our bull-finch, I have
+discovered an even more surprising fact, which I am sure no Naturalist
+has yet dreamed of. Not only do birds appreciate snow, but they are
+very fond of _iced beverages_. A tom-tit, who often drinks water from
+a saucer which we put on our window-sill, one day found the water
+frozen. What did the intelligent creature do? Why, it rapped on the
+window-pane with its beak till the window was opened, then hopped on
+to the sideboard, and began trying to peck the cork out of a whiskey
+bottle! I took the hint, and poured some of the spirit into the
+saucer; the bird drank it greedily! My wife's comment on this
+occurrence is really too good to be lost, so I send it you. She said,
+"Evidently the bird was not a _tomtitotaller_!"
+
+Yours, in convulsions, LOVER OF NATURE (_as before_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PINT OF HALF-AND-HALF.
+
+  "'_Qui va la?_' says he."
+  "'_Je_,' replies I, knowing the language."
+              "_Jeames" and another Old Story_.
+
+The international susceptibilities of Sheriff DRURIOLANUS--henceforth
+to bear the Anglo-French title, _Monsieur le Shérif 'Arris de Paris_,
+or _'Arry de Parry_,--appear to have been considerably hurt by a
+statement in the _Débats_ to the effect that the appearance in the
+London streets of men dressed as Gendarmes--"_en gendarmes français_,"
+writes MOSSOO DRURIOLANE--intended as perambulating advertisements for
+the Waterloo Panorama, was due to a supreme effort of his managerial
+genius. So Shérif DRURIOLANE wrote at once to the London Correspondent
+of the _Figaro_, who bears the singularly French name of JOHNSON,
+denying, in his very best French, that he, M. le Shérif, had had
+anything to do with these walking advertisements, or, indeed, with the
+Panorama Company at all, from which he had retired a year ago. Then he
+adds, like the _preux chevalier_ he is known to be, that had he still
+been on the direction of the aforesaid _Compagnie_, he, at all events,
+would never, never have committed the enormity of even suggesting,
+however vaguely, an idea so calculated to needlessly insult "_les
+susceptibilités françaises_." ("_Hear! hear!_" and "_Très bien!_"
+from the left.) Then M. le Shérif DRURIOLANE, rising to the occasion,
+finishes with this magnificent flourish on the French horn--"_Je
+suit né en France_"--(Isn't it very much "to his credit," we ask
+with W.S.G., that, "In spite of all temptations, To belong to other
+nations, He remains an Englishman?" Why, certainly)--"_j'ai vécu parmi
+les Français, et je suis à moitié enfant de Paris_."
+
+Beautiful! _Magnifique!_ Our DRURIOLANUS is surpassing even the
+G.O.M., who has been born, more or less, everywhere, except in
+Paris. Should the Republic be in danger, or should Monarchists
+or Imperialists get a chance and want a man for the place, let
+them wire to DRURIOLANUS, "_à moitié enfant de Paris_" and the
+"_Enfant_"--"_Enfant_ ARRIS," not "_Enfant_ GATTI"--will be ready, aye
+ready, to assume the purple, and to bring all his properties with him.
+"_À moitié_"--and the other half? That will ever remain British. So _à
+la santé de Monsieur le Shérif-enfant-de-Londres-et-Paris_, in a pint
+of Half-and-half, and let it, like Le Shérif himself, have a good head
+on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROLLING OF THE R'S.
+
+    "We are told that the omission to roll it (the letter _r_) is as
+    flagrant a misdemeanor as the dropping of the _h_."--_James Payn
+    in the Illustrated News_.
+
+AIR--"_THE WEARING OF THE GREEN_."
+
+_SOFT-SPOKEN PERSON SINGS:--_
+
+  It's vewy wong, widiculous, and howwid, I've no doubt,
+    To leave that little letter _r_ unuttahed or unwolled;
+  But if you _haven't_ any _r_'s you've got to do without,
+    And I can no maw woll _my r_'s than dwink my clawet cold.
+  A Dowie wuggedness of speech I weally _can't_ attain,
+    And though gwammawians may wave in leadewetts and pars,
+  I quite agwee with good JAMES PAYN that all their wow is vain,
+    The angwy wout must do without "the wolling of the _r_'s!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAGIOLOGICAL AND HISTORICAL NOTE.--Dr. HAROLD BROWNE, "the retiring
+Bishop" of Winchester, as he is called, on account of his innate
+modesty, wrote to the people of Farnham to say that, "never was there
+a Bishop since the time of his earliest predecessor in the See, St.
+Swithin, more literally 'at home' at Farnham Castle than himself."
+To this fact Dr. H.B. is, perhaps, unaware that the Saint in question
+owed his name, as when any visitor called to ask if he were at home,
+the Hall-porter of the period invariably answered, "Yes, Saint's
+within." Dr. HAROLD BROWNE is welcome to this information, which ought
+to have been in _Notes and Queries_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is said that the invitations for the Drury Lane celebration of
+Twelfth Night will not be sent out with so free a hand next year, the
+young men on the recent occasion having been so Baddeley behaved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
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+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100., Jan. 24, 1891., by Various
+
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+    <title>Punch, January 24, 1891.</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.,
+Jan. 24, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 24, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 10, 2004 [EBook #12872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>January 24, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page37"
+       id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. XII.&mdash;THE MATE OF THE MARLINSPIKE.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By</i> SHARK MUSSELL; <i>Author of "Erect with a Stove
+    in Her," "My Gyp made to wheeze," "The Romance of a Penny
+    Parlour," "A Hook for the Bannock," "Found the Gal on Fire,"
+    "The Mystery of the Lotion Jar," "The Jokes o' Lead," &amp;c.,
+    &amp;c., &amp;c.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>["Here you are, my hearty," writes the Author, "this is
+        a regular briny ocean story, all storms and thunderclaps
+        and sails and rigging and soaring masts and bellying sails.
+        How about 'avast heaving' and 'shiver my timbers,' and 'son
+        of a sea-cook,' and all that? No, thank you; that kind of
+        thing's played out. MARRYAT was all very well <i>in his
+        day</i>, but that day's gone. The public requires stories
+        about merchant ships, and, by Neptune, the public shall
+        have them, with all kinds of hairy villains and
+        tempest-tossed wrecks and human interest and no end of
+        humour, likewise word-pictures of ships and storms. That's
+        me. So clear the decks, and here goes."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4>
+
+    <p>We were in mid-ocean. Over the vast expanses of the oily sea
+    no ripple was to be seen although Captain BABBIJAM kept his
+    binoculars levelled at the silent horizon for three-quarters of
+    an hour by the saloon clock. Far away in the murky distance of
+    the mysterious empyrean, a single star flashed with a weird
+    brilliance down upon the death-like stillness of the immemorial
+    ocean. Yet the good old <i>Marlinspike</i> was rolling from
+    side to side and rising and falling as if the liquid expanse
+    were stirred by the rush of a tempest instead of lying as
+    motionless as a country congregation during the rector's
+    sermon. Suddenly Captain BABBIJAM closed his binoculars with an
+    angry snap, and turned to me. His face showed of a dark purple
+    under his white cotton night-cap.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/37.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/37.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"The silly old ship," he muttered, half to himself and half
+    to me, "is trying to make heavy weather of it; but I'll be even
+    with her. I'll be even with her."</p>
+
+    <p>"You'll find it a very <i>odd</i> thing to do," I said to
+    him, jocosely.</p>
+
+    <p>He sprang at me like a seahorse, and reared himself to his
+    full height before me.</p>
+
+    <p>"Come, Mr. TUGLEY," he continued, speaking in a low, meaning
+    voice, "can you take a star?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Sometimes," I answered, humouring his strange fancy; "but
+    there's only one about, and it seems a deuce of a long way
+    off&mdash;however, I'll try;" and, with that, I reached my arm
+    up in the direction of the solitary planet, which lay in the
+    vast obscure like a small silver candlestick, with a greenish
+    tinge in its icy sparkling, mirrored far below in the indigo
+    flood of the abysmal sea, while a grey scud came sweeping up,
+    no one quite knew whence, and hung about the glossy face of the
+    silent luminary like the shreds of a wedding veil, scattered by
+    a honey-moon quarrel across the deep spaces far beyond the
+    hairy coamings of the booby-hatch.</p>
+
+    <p>"Fool!" said the Captain, softly, "I don't mean that. If you
+    can't take a star, can you keep a watch?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, as to that, Captain," said I, half shocked and half
+    amused at his strange questionings, "I never take my own out in
+    a crowd. It's one of DENT's best, given me by my aunt, and I've
+    had it for nigh upon&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>But the Captain had left me, and was at that moment engaged
+    on his after-supper occupation of jockeying a lee yard-arm,
+    while the first mate, Mr. SOWSTER, was doing his best to keep
+    up with his rough commanding officer by dangling to windward on
+    the flemish horse, which, as it was touched in the wind and
+    gone in the forelegs, stumbled violently over the buttery
+    hatchway and hurled its venturesome rider into the hold.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4>
+
+    <p>On the following morning we were all sitting in the palatial
+    saloon of the <i>Marlinspike</i>. We were all there, all the
+    characters, that is to say, necessary for the completion of a
+    first class three-volume ocean novel. On my right sat the
+    cayenne-peppery Indian Colonel, a small man with a fierce face
+    and a tight collar, who roars like a bull and says, "Zounds,
+    Sir," on the slightest provocation. Opposite to him was his
+    wife, a Roman-nosed lady, with an imperious manner, and a
+    Colonel-subduing way of curling her lip. On my left was the
+    funny man. As usual he was of a sea-green colour, and might be
+    expected at any moment to stagger to a porthole and call
+    faintly for the steward. Further down the table sat two young
+    nincompoops, brought on board specially in order that they
+    might fulfil their destiny, and fill out my story, by falling
+    in love with the fluffy-haired English girl who was sitting
+    between them, and pouting equally and simultaneously at both.
+    There was also the stout German who talks about "de sturm und
+    der vafes." And beside him was the statuesque English beauty,
+    whose eyes are of the rich blackness of the tropic sky, whose
+    voice has a large assortment of sudden notes of haughtiness,
+    while the studied insolence of her manner first freezes her
+    victims and then incontinently and inconsistently scorches
+    them. Eventually her proud spirit will be tamed, probably by a
+    storm, or a ship-wreck, or by ten days in an open boat. I shall
+    then secure your love, my peerless ARAMINTA, and you will marry
+    me and turn out as soft and gentle as the moss-rose which now
+    nestles in your raven tresses. The Colonel was speaking.</p>
+
+    <p>"Zounds, Sir!" he was saying. "I don't know what you mean by
+    effects. All mine are on board. What do you say, Mr. TUGLEY?"
+    he went on, looking at me with a look full of corkscrews and
+    broken glass, while his choleric face showed of a purple hue
+    under the effort of utterance.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, Colonel," I replied, in an off-hand way, so as not to
+    irritate him, "I keep my best effects here;" and, so saying, I
+    produced my note-book, and tapped it significantly. "What, for
+    instance, do you say to this?"</p>
+
+    <p>But, what follows, needs another chapter.</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4>
+
+    <p>I found the place in my notebook, cleared my voice, and
+    began. "The ship was sailing gloriously under a press of
+    canvas. Her foretopgallant-sail swelled to its cotton-like hue
+    out of the black shadow of its incurving. High aloft, the
+    swelling squares of her studding-sails gleamed in the misty
+    sheen of the pale luminary, flinging her frosty light from
+    point to point of the tapering masts, which rose, rose, rose
+    into the morning air, as though with intent to pierce the
+    glowing orb of day, poised in the heavens like one vast ball of
+    liquid fire. Through the wind-hushed spaces of the canvas,
+    where the foretopmaststay-sail&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"I know that foretopmaststay-sail," said the funny man,
+    suddenly. I withered him with a look, and turned over the
+    page.</p>
+
+    <p>"Here," I said, "is another tip-topper. What do you think of
+    this for a storm?&mdash;'The liquid acclivities were rising
+    taller, and more threatening. With a scream of passion the
+    tortured ship hurled itself at their deep-green crests.
+    Cascades of rain, and hail, and snow, were dashing down upon
+    her unprotected bulwarks. The inky sky was one vast
+    thunder-clap, out of which the steely shaft of an electric
+    flash pierced its dazzling path into the heart of the raving
+    deep. The scud&mdash;'</p>
+
+    <p>"I know that scud," said a hateful voice. But, before I
+    could annihilate its owner, the pale face of Mr. SPILKINGS,
+    with his dead-eyes turned in, dashed breathlessly into the
+    saloon. "By all that's holy," he shouted, "the Captain's gone
+    mad, and the crew have thrown off all disguise. We are manned
+    by ourang-outangs!"</p>
+
+    <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4>
+
+    <p>Never shall I forget the horrors of the scene that ensued.
+    We clewed up the mizzen royal, we lashed the foretop to make it
+    spin upon its heels. The second dog watch barked his shins to
+    the bone, and a tail of men hauled upon the halliards to
+    mast-head the yard. Nothing availed. We had to be wrecked and
+    wrecked we were, and as I clasped ARAMINTA's trustful head to
+    my breast, the pale luminary sailing through the angry wrack
+    glittered in phantasmal splendour on the scud which&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Here the MS. ends unaccountably.&mdash;ED.
+        <i>Punch</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38"
+       id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/38.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/38.png"
+             alt="AN INTERESTED PARTY." /></a>
+
+        <h3>AN INTERESTED PARTY.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>St. Bernard's Dog</i> (<i>confidentially to Mr.
+        Chaplin</i>). "NEVER MIND THE OLD WOMAN; LET'S KEEP THE
+        MUZZLE ON FOR A YEAR, AND HAVE DONE WITH IT!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page39"
+       id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span>
+
+    <h2>CANINE CONFIDENCES.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>Clever Dog, to the Minister of Agriculture,
+        loquitur</i>&mdash;</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>POTTERER, put the muzzle on! Potterer, take it off
+            again!</p>
+
+            <p><i>That</i> is not the way, my friend, cruel
+            <i>rabies</i> to restrain.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Take my tip!</p>
+
+            <p>As to self-styled "friends of dogs," too
+            preposterous by half,</p>
+
+            <p>Who object to all restraint, they deserve on seat or
+            calf</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">One sharp nip.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It is <i>doggish</i> interest hydrophobia to stamp
+            out;</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis a curse to us canines; that no person well can
+            doubt</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Who has sense.</p>
+
+            <p>They who think we doggies share old maid's
+            sentimental fad,</p>
+
+            <p>Just as though it really were a dog's
+            <i>privilege</i> to go mad,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Must be dense.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Muzzles are a bore, of course, rather troublesome at
+            times,</p>
+
+            <p>But I'd rather have my nose made incapable of
+            crimes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Than go free,</p>
+
+            <p>With the chance of "going off," giving friend or foe
+            a bite.</p>
+
+            <p>And be clubbed to death or shot, murdered in my
+            master's sight,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Don't suit <i>me</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Never mind the fussy frumps, the old women of each
+            sex;</p>
+
+            <p>Better raise their ready wrath than the prudent
+            public vex</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">With crass rules.</p>
+
+            <p>Muzzles now and collars then, partial orders soon
+            relaxed;</p>
+
+            <p>Men rebel when with caprice they are tied, or
+            teased, or taxed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Else they're fools.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Keep the muzzles on a year, regularly, and <i>all
+            round</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>Every doggy of high breed, mongrel puppy, whelp or
+            hound,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Will give thanks</p>
+
+            <p>To the Minister who tries hydrophobia to stamp
+            out</p>
+
+            <p>Once for all o'er all the land, with consistency,
+            and without</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Pottering pranks!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Mr. CHAPLIN, take my tip! Science speaks in the same
+            sense,</p>
+
+            <p>So does true philanthropy. Ought to have effect
+            immense,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">What they say.</p>
+
+            <p>Heed not that old woman there, with her spoilt and
+            yelping pet;</p>
+
+            <p>I for every dog of <i>nous</i> in the country speak,
+            you bet.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Try! <i>Good</i>-day!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Trots out, comfortably muzzled</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>MOST APPROPRIATE.&mdash;We see, from some recently-reported
+    proceedings, that the present Inspector appointed under the
+    Infant Life Protection Act is "Mr. BABEY."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/39.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/39.png"
+             alt="THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing
+        fondly at her own reflection, writes as
+        follows:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+        <p>"I look into the glass, Reader. What do I see?</p>
+
+        <p>"I see a pair of laughing, <i>espiègle</i>,
+        forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy and defiant; a <i>mutine</i>
+        little rose-bud of a mouth, with its ever-mocking
+        <i>moue</i>; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play
+        hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold;
+        while, from underneath the satin folds of a <i>rose-thé</i>
+        dressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in its
+        exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper," &amp;c.,
+        &amp;c.</p>
+
+        <p>(<i>Vide "Passionate Pauline," by Parbleu.</i>)</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A COMING MEETING.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Reported from the Railway Intelligence of
+    1892.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>The Chairman, who on opening the proceedings was received
+    with a feeble chorus of melancholy groans, said that he feared
+    he had no better Report to make to the shareholders. ("<i>Oh!
+    oh!</i>") It is true that he had one fact to mention, which was
+    a matter of supreme congratulation, and he needn't say that
+    that was that they hadn't yielded a single inch to the men.
+    ("<i>Oh! oh!" and a Voice, "Oh! we've had enough of
+    'that'!")</i> It is also true that this firm and unflinching
+    front had necessitated some sacrifice, and had involved the
+    Company in no little difficulty. (<i>Prolonged groans.</i>) He
+    was sorry to note these manifestations, for he had not only to
+    announce to that meeting the non-payment of any dividend, even
+    to the holders of the Company's Debenture Stock, but he had
+    further to inform them, that, owing to some difficulty in
+    settling the account of their coal contractors, these last had
+    taken proceedings against them, and had seized not only all the
+    contents of their refreshment-rooms, but also the whole of
+    their rolling-stock. (<i>Prolonged wailing.</i>) He grieved to
+    say that the last two engines that the Company possessed, and
+    which they had up to now hidden in the cloak-room at the
+    Edinburgh terminus, were unfortunately discovered and seized
+    last night. (<i>Groans.</i>) Still, the Company did not despair
+    of being able to carry on, at least, a portion of the Passenger
+    Traffic (<i>Feeble laughter.</i>) They might meet the statement
+    with a manifestation of ridicule&mdash;but such was the case.
+    It was with a sense of pride in their method of triumphing over
+    difficulties, that he announced to the meeting, that a train of
+    cattle-trucks would be started for the North daily at twelve
+    o'clock, the motive power of which would be the Directors
+    themselves. ("<i>Oh! oh!")</i> They could not say anything
+    about <i>the pace</i> at which the train would travel, but
+    that, <i>with time</i>, it would do the distance he had little,
+    if any doubt. It is true that in a similar experiment on a
+    neighbouring line the train came to a dead halt in the first
+    tunnel, and the passengers had to descend in the dark and grope
+    their way out to the nearest station as well as they could, but
+    this unsatisfactory experience would in no way deter them from
+    making the experiment on their own behalf. (<i>Jeers.</i>) He
+    was sorry to see that the ordinary stock of the Company, which,
+    a twelvemonth since, had touched 128-3/8,&mdash;could not now
+    find purchasers in the Market at 7-1/2. (<i>Groans.</i>) But he
+    hoped for better times. ("<i>Oh! oh!</i>") But, come what
+    would, he would hold fast by his principles, which were, "<i>No
+    Compromise, No Meeting Halfway, No Arbitration, No
+    Concession!</i>" Men might starve, Trade collapse, the Country
+    come to ruin, the Company disappear in Bankruptcy, but he cared
+    not. The Directors had put their foot down, and, whether right
+    or wrong, whatever happened, <i>there</i> they meant, with a
+    good down-right national and pig-headed obstinacy, to keep
+    it.</p>
+
+    <p>The Chairman was continuing in this strain, but, being
+    interrupted by a shower of inkstands, was compelled to close
+    his remarks, the proceedings coming to a somewhat abrupt
+    conclusion, in a scene of considerable confusion.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The "Strait" Tip.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, Mister BLAINE, we don't complain</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That for your country's weal you're
+            caring;</p>
+
+            <p>But, clever Yankee, <i>Punch</i> would thank 'ee</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Not to be quite so
+            <i>over-Behring!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NEW VERSION.&mdash;Every dog must have his&mdash;<i>year</i>
+    (of muzzling).</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40"
+       id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE GAME OF PEACE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/40.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>April</i>.&mdash;Grand informal meeting of the Crowned
+    Heads of Europe (with the CZAR in the chair) to discuss a
+    scheme of general disarmament, at which the Emperor of GERMANY
+    creates a profound sensation by the announcement that, as a
+    hint to his brother Monarchs, he has himself gone on to the
+    retired list, burnt his cocked-hat, disbanded the Pomeranian
+    Grenadiers, and confined Herr KRUPP for ten years in a
+    second-class fortress.</p>
+
+    <p><i>May</i>.&mdash;By arrangement, all the great powers call
+    in the uniforms of all their troops and present them to the
+    King of the BELGIANS, on the understanding that, as the Emperor
+    of the Congo, he shall forthwith transport them to Africa, and
+    instantly commence the clothing of seven millions of the naked
+    native population.</p>
+
+    <p><i>June</i>.&mdash;One hundred and eighty thousand horses,
+    with military training, coming suddenly on to the market,
+    four-in-hand Hansoms at a penny an hour, become common in all
+    the great European capitals, and the Derby, for which there are
+    1371 entries, is won by a Cossack pony, trained in Siberia.</p>
+
+    <p><i>July</i>.&mdash;The barrels of all the magazine rifles
+    melted down, and recast, utilised for the production of
+    type-writers, which, being produced in large quantities, are
+    supplied with instruction gratis to all the children attending
+    the establishments of the London School Board, the stocks of
+    the rifles being utilised for the manufacture of billiard-cues,
+    walking-sticks, and umbrella-handles.</p>
+
+    <p><i>August</i>.&mdash;It being resolved to use up all the
+    gunpowder without delay, a perpetual display of fireworks is
+    inaugurated at Vienna, St. Petersburg, Berlin, Paris, and
+    London, the show in the last-named capital including a gigantic
+    set-piece of the Fifteen Decisive Battles of the World, which
+    is given five times successively every evening at the Crystal
+    Palace for three months, Piccadilly being illuminated from 6
+    P.M. to 3 A.M. by the continuous discharge of coloured
+    rockets.</p>
+
+    <p><i>September</i>.&mdash;The last 101-ton gun having been
+    melted down for the forging of the metal piles for one of the
+    four newly-projected Channel bridges, a nasty international
+    feeling, fermented by General Officers who are obliged to sweep
+    crossings and drive four-wheeled cabs for a
+    livelihood,&mdash;and who do not like it,&mdash;begins to
+    manifest itself, and diplomacy intervening irritably only to
+    make matters worse, several ultimatums are dispatched from some
+    of the Great Powers to others, but owing to the want of
+    soldiers, the matter is put into the hands of International
+    Solicitors, who, arranging a stand-up fight for the President
+    of the French Republic and the CZAR against the Emperors of
+    GERMANY and AUSTRIA, and the KING of ITALY, the matter somehow
+    falls through for the moment, and the public excitement
+    subsides.</p>
+
+    <p><i>October</i>.&mdash;General note from all the Great Powers
+    to each other announcing their secession from the "League of
+    Peace," and declaring their intention of resorting again to
+    "<i>Protective Armament</i>" as soon as possible. War declared
+    all round before the end of the month.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2>
+
+    <h3>AT THE GUELPH EXHIBITION.</h3>
+
+    <h4>IN THE CENTRAL HALL.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>A Thrifty Visitor</i> (<i>on entering</i>). Catalogue?
+    No. What's the use of a Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of
+    a tract, that tells you nothing you don't know!</p>
+
+    <p><i>His Wife</i> (<i>indicating a pile of Catalogues on
+    table</i>). Aren't <i>these</i> big enough for you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Thr. V.</i> Those? Why, they're big enough for the
+    <i>London Directory</i>! Think I'm going to drag a thing like
+    that about the place? You don't really want a
+    Catalogue&mdash;it's all your fancy!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Prattler</i> (<i>to</i> Miss AMMERSON). Oh, <i>do</i>
+    stop and look at these <i>sweet</i> goldfish! Pets! Don't you
+    <i>love</i> them? <i>Aren't</i> they tame?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Ammerson</i>. Wouldn't do to have them
+    <i>wild</i>&mdash;might jump out and <i>bite</i> people, you
+    know!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> It's <i>too</i> horrid of you to make fun of
+    my poor little enthusiasms! But really,&mdash;couldn't we get
+    something and feed them?&mdash;<i>Do</i> let's!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss A.</i> I daresay you could get ham-sandwiches in the
+    Restaurant&mdash;or chocolates.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. P.</i> How unkind you are to me! But I don't care.
+    (<i>Wilfully.</i>) I shall come here all by myself, and bring
+    biscuits. Great big ones! Are you determined to take me into
+    that big room with all the Portraits? Well, you must tell me
+    who they all are then, and which are the Guelphiest ones.</p>
+
+    <h4>IN THE ROYAL ROOM.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Considerate Niece</i> (<i>to</i> Uncle). They seem mostly
+    Portraits here. You're sure you don't <i>mind</i> looking at
+    them, Uncle? I know so many people <i>do</i> object to
+    Portraits.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Uncle</i> (<i>with the air of a Christian Martyr</i>).
+    No, my dear, no: <i>I</i> don't mind 'em. Stay here as long as
+    you like, I'll sit down and look at the people, till you've
+    done.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First Critical Visitor</i> (<i>examining a View of St.
+    James's Park</i>). I wonder where that was taken. In Scotland,
+    I expect&mdash;there's two Highlanders there, you see.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second C.V.</i> Shouldn't wonder&mdash;lot o' work in
+    that, all those different colours, and so many dresses.
+    [<i>Admires, thoughtfully.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>A Well-read Woman</i>. That's Queen CHARLOTTE, that is.
+    GEORGE THE THIRD's wife, you know&mdash;her that was so
+    <i>domestic</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Companion</i>. Wasn't that the one that was shut up
+    in the Tower, or something?</p>
+
+    <p><i>The W.W.</i> In the Tower? Lor, my dear, no, <i>I</i>
+    never 'eard of it. You're thinking of the TUDORS, or some o'
+    that lot, I expect!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Comp.</i> Am I? I daresay. I never <i>could</i>
+    remember 'Istry. Why, if you'll believe me, I always have to
+    stop and think which of the GEORGES came first!</p>
+
+    <p><i>More Critical Visitors</i> (<i>before Portraits</i>).
+    He's rather pleasant-looking, don't you think? I <i>don't</i>
+    like <i>her</i> face at all. So peculiar. And what a hideous
+    dress&mdash;like a tea-gown without any upper
+    part&mdash;frightful!</p>
+
+    <p><i>A Sceptical V.</i> They all seem to have had such thin
+    lips in those days. Somehow, I <i>can't</i> bring myself to
+    believe in such very thin lips&mdash;can <i>you</i>, dear?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Friend</i>. I always think it's a sign of meanness,
+    myself.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.V.</i> No; but I mean&mdash;I can't believe
+    <i>everyone</i> had them in the eighteenth century.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Friend</i>. Oh, I don't know. If it was the
+    fashion!</p>
+
+    <h4>ABOUT THE CASES.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Visitor</i> (<i>admiring an embroidered waistcoat of the
+    time of</i> GEORGE THE SECOND&mdash;<i>a highly popular
+    exhibit</i>). What lovely work! Why, it looks as if it was done
+    yesterday!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Companion</i> (<i>who is not in the habit of allowing
+    his enthusiasm to run away with him</i>). Um&mdash;yes, it's
+    not bad. But, of course, they wouldn't send a thing like that
+    here without having it washed and done up first!</p>
+
+    <p><i>An Old Lady</i>. "Tea-pot used by the Duke of WELLINGTON
+    during his campaigns." So he drank <i>tea</i>, did he? Dear me!
+    Do you know, my dear, I think I must have <i>my</i> old tea-pot
+    engraved. It will make it so much more interesting some
+    day!</p>
+
+    <h4>IN THE SOUTH GALLERY.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Prattler</i> (<i>before a Portrait of</i> Lady
+    HAMILTON, <i>by</i> ROMNEY). There! Isn't she too charming? I
+    do call her a perfect <i>duck</i>.'</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Ammerson</i>. Yes, you mustn't forget her when you
+    bring those biscuits.</p>
+
+    <p><i>An Amurrcan Girl</i>. Father, see up there; there's
+    BYRON. Did you erver see such a purrfectly beautiful face?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Her Father</i> (<i>solemnly</i>). He was a beautiful
+    <i>Man</i>&mdash;a beautiful Poet.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The A.G.</i> I know&mdash;but the <i>expression</i>, it's
+    real saint-like!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Father</i> (<i>slowly</i>). Well, I guess if he'd had any
+    different kind of expression, he wouldn't have written the
+    things he <i>did</i> write, and that's a fact!</p>
+
+    <p><i>A Moralising Old Lady</i> (<i>at Case O</i>). No. 1260.
+    "Ball of Worsted wound by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet, for Mrs.
+    UNWIN." NO. 1261. "Netting done by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet."
+    How very nice, and what a difference in the habit of literary
+    persons <i>nowadays</i>, my dear!</p>
+
+    <h4>IN THE CENTRAL HALL.&mdash;Mr. WHITEROSE, <i>a Jacobite</i>
+    fin de siècle, <i>is seated on a Bench beside a</i> Seedy
+    Stranger.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> (<i>half to himself</i>). Har, well, there's
+    one comfort, these 'ere GUELPHS'll get notice to quit afore
+    we're <i>much</i> older!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Whiterose</i> (<i>surprised</i>). You say so?
+    Then&mdash;you too are of the Young England Party! I am
+    rejoiced to hear it. You cheer me; it is a sign that the good
+    Cause is advancing.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> Advancin'? I believe yer. Why, I know a
+    dozen and more as are workin' 'art and soul for it!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> You do? We are making strides, indeed! Our
+    England has suffered these usurpers too long.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> Yer right. But we'll chuck 'em out afore
+    long, and it'll be "Over goes the Show" with the lot, eh?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> I had no idea that
+    the&mdash;er&mdash;intelligent artisan classes were so heartily
+    with us. We must talk more of this. Come and see me. Bring your
+    friends&mdash;all you can depend upon. Here is my card.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> (<i>putting the card in the lining of his
+    hat</i>). Right, Guv'nor; we'll come. I wish there was more
+    gents like yer, I do!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> We are united by a common bond. We both
+    detest&mdash;do we not?&mdash;the Hanoverian interlopers. We
+    are both pledged never to rest until we have brought back to
+    the throne of our beloved
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page41"
+       id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> England, her lawful sovereign
+       lady&mdash;(<i>uncovering</i>)&mdash;our gracious MARY of
+       Austria-Este, the legitimate descendant of CHARLES the
+       Blessed Martyr!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> 'Old on, Guv'nor! Me and my friends are with
+    yer so fur as doing away with these 'ere hidle GUELPHS; but
+    blow yer MARY of Orstria, yer know. Blow <i>'er</i>!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> (<i>horrified</i>). Hush&mdash;this is rank
+    treason! Remember&mdash;she is the lineal descendant of the
+    House of Stuart!</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> What of it? There won't be no lineal
+    descendants when we git <i>hour</i> way, 'cause there won't be
+    nothing to descend to nobody. The honly suv'rin <i>we</i> mean
+    to 'ave is the People&mdash;the Democrisy. But there, you're
+    young, me and my friends'll soon tork you over to hour way o'
+    thinking. I dessay we ain't fur apart, as it is. I got yer
+    address, and we'll drop in on yer some night&mdash;never fear.
+    No hevenin' dress, o' course?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> Of course. I&mdash;I'll look out for you. But
+    I'm seldom in&mdash;hardly <i>ever</i>, in fact.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The S.S.</i> Don't you fret about <i>that</i>. Me and my
+    friends ain't nothing partickler to do just now. We'll
+    <i>wait</i> for yer. I should like yer to know ole BILL GABB.
+    You should 'ear <i>that</i> feller goin' on agin the GUELPHS
+    when he's 'ad a little booze&mdash;it 'ud do your 'art good!
+    Well, I on'y come in 'ere as a deligate like, to report, and I
+    seen enough. So 'ere's good-day to yer.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. W.</i> (<i>alone</i>). I shall have to change my
+    rooms&mdash;and I <i>was</i> so comfortable! Well,
+    well,&mdash;another sacrifice to the Cause!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/41.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/41.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>There was a bronze group by POLLET among the specimens of
+    sculpture in the French <i>Salon</i>, some twenty years
+    ago,&mdash;"It may be more or less an hour or so," as the poet
+    sings,&mdash;representing a female form being carried upwards
+    in the embrace of a rather evil-looking Angel. It illustrated a
+    poem by the Vicomte ALFRED DE VIGNY, which I remember reading,
+    in consequence of this very statue having come into my
+    possession (it was afterwards sold at Messrs. CHRISTIE, MANSON
+    &amp; WOODS, under the style and title of "Lot 121,
+    <i>Elsa</i>"), and it occurs to me that it was on precisely the
+    same theme as the other ALFRED's&mdash;not the <i>Vicomte</i>
+    but <i>Mister</i> ALFRED AUSTIN's&mdash;"<i>The Tower of
+    Babel</i>," which I have just read with much pleasure, and,
+    with some profit; the moral, as I take it, being favourable to
+    the Temperance cause, as a warning against all spirits, good,
+    bad, or indifferent. <i>Afrael</i>, the inhabitant of a distant
+    star, falls in love with <i>Noema</i>, the wife of the
+    atheistical Babelite <i>Aran</i>, to whom she has borne a son,
+    aged in the poem, as far as I can make out, about eight years,
+    and a fine boy for that. Anyhow, it makes <i>Noema</i> at least
+    twenty-five, supposing she married at sweet seventeen, and,
+    indeed, she alludes to herself in the poem as no longer in her
+    first youth.</p>
+
+    <p>Well, <i>Aran</i>, who is very far from being a domestic
+    character, is struck down by avenging lightning at the
+    destruction of the Tower of Babel, and <i>Noema</i> is left a
+    widow, with her child, who has been protected in the
+    <i>mêlée</i> by the Spirit <i>Afrael's</i> taking him out of
+    it, and restoring him to his mother's arms. When, after this,
+    the infatuated spirit-lover <i>Afrael</i> requests <i>Noema</i>
+    to say the word which shall make a man of him, and a husband of
+    him too at the same time, she modestly refuses, until she has
+    had a decent time to order her widow's weeds at her milliner's
+    and wear them for about a month or so, at the expiration of
+    which interval <i>Afrael</i> may, if he be still of the same
+    mind, call in again, and pop the question.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Afrael</i> bids good-bye to the Upper House, and, his
+    heart being ever true to <i>Poll</i>&mdash;meaning
+    <i>Noema</i>&mdash;he returns, makes an evening call upon her,
+    and asks her, in effect, "Is it to be '<i>Yes-ema</i>,' or
+    '<i>No-ema</i>'?" The bashful widow chooses the former, and the
+    Spirit-lover <i>Afrael</i>, renouncing his immortality,
+    <i>i.e.</i>, giving up spirits, becomes plain <i>Mr.
+    Afrael</i>, and an ordinary, as far as anybody can judge, a
+    very ordinary mortal, showing what a change a drop of spirits
+    can effect in a constitution. Now I should like the poem
+    "continued in our next." I should like to hear <i>how</i> they
+    got on together: and, as longevity was considerable in those
+    patriarchal days, I should like to know how they got on
+    together when <i>Afrael Esquire</i> was 195, and his wife,
+    <i>Noema</i>, was 200. Did <i>Afrael</i> never again take to
+    his spirits? Or, did he become miserable and hipped having
+    entirely lost his spirits? Did his wife never make sarcastic
+    reference to the "stars" with whom he had formerly been
+    acquainted? And how about her boy, his step-son? Did they have
+    any family? Whence came the money?</p>
+
+    <p>Perhaps Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN (whose works are being printed by
+    MACMILLAN in a collected form, and among them <i>The Satire</i>
+    now historic) will give us an entirely new volume on the same
+    subject, telling an expectant public all about <i>Mr.</i> and
+    <i>Mrs. Afrael chez eux</i>, and, in fact, something spicy
+    about this strangely assorted couple; for Poet ALFRED will do
+    well to remember and act upon his own dictum when, in the
+    preface to <i>The Satire</i>, he observed, and with truth, that
+    had he originally "written with the grave decorum of a secluded
+    moralist, he would" by this time "have gone down into the limbo
+    of forgotten bores."</p>
+
+    <p>Into that limbo A.A. will never descend. It is delightful to
+    find him dedicating his book to Lord LYTTON, to whom&mdash;when
+    L.L. was OWEN MEREDITH, ALFREDO <i>mio</i> had pointed out
+    that, "in one serious particular, he had overlooked parental
+    admonition," and observing on that occasion that, "had OWEN
+    MEREDITH even a glimpse of the truth, we" (A.A. himself, in
+    1861, much "we"-er then than now&mdash;"<i>et alors, il
+    grandira, il grandira!</i>") "should have been spared the final
+    <i>tableau</i> of repentance and forgiveness which concludes
+    <i>Lucile</i>." But, thank goodness, we (the Baron, and his
+    literary friends) have <i>not</i> been spared the touching
+    picture of repentance and forgiveness in ALFRED AUSTIN's
+    dedicating his latest poem to Lord LYTTON. <i>Sic transit ira
+    poetarum!</i></p>
+
+    <p>In <i>The Season</i> ALFREDO sang&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I claim the precious privilege of youth,</p>
+
+            <p>Never to speak except to speak the truth."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>But those lines were not written the day before yesterday,
+    and as he can no longer "claim" the aforesaid "precious
+    privilege," he can in his more mature years "go as he pleases."
+    And there is so much "go" in him that he always pleases; so the
+    Baron anticipates the sequel to <i>The Tower of Babel</i> on
+    the lines already suggested, presumptuous as it may seem to
+    suggest lines to a poet.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Phra the Phoenician</i>, a very clever idea, with which
+    BULWER would have performed mysteriously thrilling wonders, but
+    which Mr. ARNOLD has written at once too heavily and treated
+    too lightly, in too much of a "so-called nineteenth century
+    style;" which is a pity, as it is full of dramatic incident,
+    and the interest well kept up through some two thousand years
+    or so, more or less. He is a wonder is <i>Mister Phra</i>, and
+    might well be called <i>Phra Diavolo</i> instead of <i>Phra the
+    Phoenician</i>. Sir EDWIN ARNOLD has written a preface to the
+    volume, and seems to express a wish that the wonders here
+    recorded could be possibilities of everyday life. But, if so,
+    as <i>Mr. Weller, Senior</i>, observed, <i>à propos</i> of
+    "there being a Providence in it," "O' course there is, SAMMY;
+    or what 'ud become o' the undertakers?" And as to
+    cremation&mdash;well, such an utter corporeal extinction would
+    be the only way of putting an end to the terrestrial existence
+    of <i>Phra the Phoenician</i>, who, however, "might rise," as
+    <i>Mrs. Malaprop</i> would say, "like a Phoenician from the
+    ashes."</p>
+
+    <p>The appearance of <i>A New Lady Audley</i> is rather late in
+    the half-century as a "skit" on Miss BRADDON's celebrated
+    novel. Now and then I found an amusing bit in it, but, on the
+    whole, poor stuff, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+
+    <p>My faithful "Co." has been reading poetry and prose, and
+    thus communicates the result of his studies:&mdash;There is
+    genuine but unassuming poetry, which is, after all, only
+    another way of saying fine feeling finely expressed, in <i>Corn
+    and Poppies</i>, by COSMO MONKHOUSE (ELKIN MATHEWS). Much of
+    the verse is musical, and there is throughout a vein of
+    thoughtfulness which never degenerates into a morbid brooding.
+    I commend particularly "Any Soul to any Body," "A Dead March,"
+    and "Mysteries," as good examples of Mr. MONKHOUSE's style. So
+    much for verse. Let me now to prose. Like my baronial Chief, I
+    say, "Bring me my boots!" and let them be thick, so that I may
+    trudge safely through Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING's latest, "<i>The
+    Light that Failed" (Lippincott's Monthly Magazine</i>,
+    January). This is described as Mr. KIPLING's first long story.
+    His publishers, moreover, are good enough to take all the
+    trouble of criticism upon their own shoulders. They declare
+    that "there is more stern strength in this novel than in
+    anything which Mr. KIPLING has written;" but that is, after
+    all, only a comparative statement, which profits me little, as
+    I never yet estimated the amount of "stern strength" in Mr.
+    KIPLING's previous writings. I am, however, told, in addition,
+    that the tale "is as intensely moving as it is intensely
+    masculine" (there's lovely language!) "and it will not be
+    surprising if it should prove to be the literary sensation of
+    the year." To such an expression of opinion by competent judges
+    it would be futile to attempt to add very much. I will only
+    say, therefore, that the "sensation" produced in me by this
+    novel is one of the most disagreeable I ever experienced. The
+    characters are, for the most part, inordinately dull,
+    preposterously conceited, and insufferably brutal. As for
+    <i>Dick Heldar</i>, the hero, no more disagreeable and hateful
+    bully-puppy ever thought and talked in disconnected gasps
+    through ninety-seven pages. The catastrophe moves no pity. Mr.
+    KIPLING seems to despise the public, "who think with their
+    boots, and read with their elbows;" but so clever a man might
+    surely show his contempt less crudely. KIPLING, I love thee,
+    but never more write such another tale!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page42"
+       id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/42.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/42.png"
+             alt="INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Hostess</i>. "WON'T YOU TRY SOME OF THAT JELLY, HERR
+        SILBERMUND?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Herr Silbermund</i> (<i>who has just been helped to
+        Pudding</i>). "ACH, ZANK YOU, NO. I VOOT 'RAHZER PEAR VIZ
+        ZE ILLS VE HAF, ZAN VLY TO OZZERS ZAT VE KNOW NOT OF.'"
+        [<i>Herr S. is particularly proud of his knowledge of
+        Shakspeare.</i>]</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"WORSE THAN EVER!"</h2>
+
+    <h4>FARMER SMITH <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"To market, to market, to buy a fat pig!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Yes, so runs the old-fashioned nursery
+            rhyme,</p>
+
+            <p>And a porker that's plump, and round-barrel'd and
+            big,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is good business,&mdash;or used to be
+            once on a time.</p>
+
+            <p>But now, they're the horriblest nuisance on
+            earth</p>
+
+            <p>Are Pigs, and a great deal more plague than they're
+            worth.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I begin to believe 'twould be better by far</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If Pigs, like the Dodo, extinct could
+            become.</p>
+
+            <p>They involve one in nothing but jangle and jar,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And as to large profits, why that's all a
+            hum.</p>
+
+            <p>"Please the Pigs?" That's absurd, a mere obsolete
+            wheeze,</p>
+
+            <p>For Pigs are precisely the beasts you <i>can't</i>
+            please!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Gee up, <i>Dobbin</i>, old lad! Home's in sight; you
+            have borne</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My burden, and that of my basket, right
+            well,</p>
+
+            <p>Your carrying power some neighbours would scorn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But you're sound and good grit, though
+            you mayn't look a swell.</p>
+
+            <p>We're starting, lad, after our short half-way
+            halt,</p>
+
+            <p>If we don't make good time it will not be our
+            fault.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We did the first stretch unexpectedly slick,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My basket well loaded a feather-weight
+            seemed,</p>
+
+            <p>The road was so smooth, and your canter so
+            quick,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Twas better, old lad, than we either had
+            dreamed.</p>
+
+            <p>A great disappointment to some folk, I think.</p>
+
+            <p>Then we halted half-way for a rest and a drink.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That big Irish Pig, which had plagued us so oft.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was away,&mdash;running after its head or
+            its tail!</p>
+
+            <p>Oh joy, <i>Dobbin</i>, dear, to jog on, and go
+            soft,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No row, no obstruction by hedge-gap or
+            rail.</p>
+
+            <p>Ah, then they discovered the pace and the pith</p>
+
+            <p>Of <i>Dobbin</i> the dull, and his mount, Farmer
+            SMITH.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now all seems smooth sailing! Hillo! What was
+            that?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A squeak? Nay, it sounds like a chorus of
+            squeaks!</p>
+
+            <p>Don't shy, my dear <i>Dobbin</i>&mdash;you'll shake
+            off my hat.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The lane here grows narrow. Who's there?
+            No one speaks.</p>
+
+            <p>But that raucous "hrumph! hrumph!" that cacophonous
+            yell!</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis Pig-noise, and Irish&mdash;I know it so
+            well.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It is right in the road, it is plump in the gap.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Steady, <i>Dobbin</i>! Don't halt for
+            this hullaballoo&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Gee up! and go steady, now there's a good chap.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">What, the same plaguy Pig! Nay, by Jove,
+            <i>there are two!</i></p>
+
+            <p>And they're fighting each other, these porkers
+            perverse,</p>
+
+            <p>In the gap we must pass! Oh! this grows worse and
+            worse!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Whips up Dobbin.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>KOCH SURE!</h2>
+
+    <h4>SCENE&mdash;<i>A Place of Meeting. Enter</i> BROWN
+    <i>and</i> JONES. <i>They salute one another</i>.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Brown</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). Have you heard the good
+    news?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>stolidly</i>). What good news?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Brown</i>. That Dr. KOCH has at length revealed his
+    secret?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>startled</i>). No, has he! Dear me! And
+    that I should have missed so pleasant a piece of intelligence!
+    And so he has told an anxiously-expectant world the cause of
+    his success! Can <i>you</i> explain the matter to me?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Brown</i> (<i>cheerfully</i>). With the assistance of the
+    Public Press, to be sure I can. See here, I will give you the
+    solution to the problem, as told by the Journals, "without
+    puzzling technicalities."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jones</i>. I hang upon your words with an impatience that
+    politeness&mdash;the outcome of civilisation&mdash;alone
+    renders endurable.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Brown</i>. Then you must know that Dr. KOCH has
+    discovered that the remedy for tuberculosis consists of a
+    glycerine extract of a pure cultivation of tubercle bacilli,
+    the local effect of which, when injected into a healthy
+    guinea-pig, produces a nodule found at the point of
+    inoculation, which, when a second puncture is perpetrated,
+    causes what may be called the bacillary fluid to be brought
+    into the current of its circulation, so that the infected
+    tissue may react upon the agent which it had previously been
+    able to resist. I am not quite sure that I have got the
+    <i>exact</i> words, but that's the idea. Simple, isn't it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jones</i>. Very! [<i>Exeunt severally.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43"
+       id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/43.png"
+             alt="WORSE THAN EVER!" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"WORSE THAN EVER!"</h3>FARMER SMITH. "TUT-T-T! <i>TWO
+        OF 'EM!</i> BAD ENOUGH WHEN THERE WAS ONLY ONE!!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45"
+       id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span>
+
+    <h2>DOMESTIC MELODIES.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Sancho Preston Panza.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>WINTER BATH-SONG.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For weeks the sun each morn arose</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As 'tis his nature to,</p>
+
+            <p>But little difference he made</p>
+
+            <p>Sopp'd by the fog's asthmatic shade;</p>
+
+            <p>From day's beginning till its close</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The day no brighter grew.</p>
+
+            <p>Above the sheets, the sleeper's nose</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Peep'd shyly, as afraid,</p>
+
+            <p>While 'neath the dark and draughty flue</p>
+
+            <p>The burnt-out cinders meanly strew</p>
+
+            <p>The hearth, where now no firelight glows,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No waiting warmth is laid.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Full many a morn I sprang from bed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As o'er the deadly brink</p>
+
+            <p>The wretch, with courage of despair,</p>
+
+            <p>Leaps from the slimy river-stair,</p>
+
+            <p>By hopeless hope unthinking sped,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ere he can pause to think.</p>
+
+            <p>Cold as the efforts of the dead,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The needle-atom'd air,</p>
+
+            <p>Impinged upon the limbs that shrink.</p>
+
+            <p>On shivering shanks, and eyelids pink,</p>
+
+            <p>And bound its bands about the head,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And chill'd the underwear.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The frost that held us in its grip,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would raise the prisoning paw,</p>
+
+            <p>And Nature, like a mouse set free,</p>
+
+            <p>Enjoyed delusive liberty,</p>
+
+            <p>While every water-pipe must drip</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To greet the passing thaw.</p>
+
+            <p>Then rudely dashed from eager lip</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The cup of joy would be,</p>
+
+            <p>And fingers numbed, and chattering jaw,</p>
+
+            <p>Owned unexpelled the winter's flaw,</p>
+
+            <p>And on the steps the goodmen slip,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And shout the major D.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Long like a fossil tipsy-cake</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The sponge each morn appeared;</p>
+
+            <p>The bath, if plenished over-night,</p>
+
+            <p>Was frozen ere the morning light,</p>
+
+            <p>And more that frigid water-ache</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Than unwashed days I feared,</p>
+
+            <p>Now while the milder zephyrs shake</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Once more the winter's might,</p>
+
+            <p>My sponge, my bath, by loss endeared,</p>
+
+            <p>Shall dree no more a lonely weird;</p>
+
+            <p>And as young ducks to water take,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shall be my bath ward flight.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Good Devon!</h3>
+
+    <p>Mr. W.H. SMITH will return to Grosvenor Place from Torquay
+    on Monday, for the opening of Parliament.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis pity of you, OLD MORALITY,</p>
+
+            <p>Back from your rest to loud banality.</p>
+
+            <p>After St. Stephen's shindy, Devon</p>
+
+            <p>No doubt appeared a very heaven:</p>
+
+            <p>But cream's as much like water chalky</p>
+
+            <p>As Torquay Torrs to Talky-Talky!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>CHANGE OF INITIALS.</h3>
+
+    <p>"Often as I may have been invited," Mr. T.M. HEALY is
+    reported to have said, in the course of a recent speech, "I
+    never yet put a toe inside his house." Memorable words.
+    Henceforth, name changed to TOE-AND-HEALY, M.P.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A WORD TO MOTHERS.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[A well-known Dramatic Critic has recently spoken of a
+        play as "just the play in which growing girls will
+        delight."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O ANXIOUS Mothers, come and listen</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To what just now I've got to say.</p>
+
+            <p>If I'm not wrong, your eyes will glisten</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Before the end of this my lay.</p>
+
+            <p>With strong affection overflowing&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your children are indeed your
+            pearls&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>You can't help feeling pleased at knowing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The play's the thing&mdash;for growing
+            girls!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The pages of a lady's journal</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I've very often read with care,</p>
+
+            <p>The news, the gossiping eternal,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You're always sure of getting there.</p>
+
+            <p>Of how you ought to bind your tresses,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The latest styles, the tint in hair,</p>
+
+            <p>And there I've seen the kind of dresses</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It's right for growing girls to wear.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But never once the slightest mention</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of what they'd better go and see,</p>
+
+            <p>And yet it's clear that some attention</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To such a thing there ought to be.</p>
+
+            <p>For sentiment and love they're frantic,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They're fond of knights and belted
+            earls,</p>
+
+            <p>A play that's just the least romantic&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Yes, that's the play for growing
+            girls.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A crowing child, who loves to prattle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Can easily be kept at rest.</p>
+
+            <p>You've only got to get a rattle,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or p'raps a dolly would be best.</p>
+
+            <p>A bouncing boy will blow a bubble,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And want no more the livelong day;</p>
+
+            <p>But if a growing girl gives trouble,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You've got to take her to the play!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A PIONEER IN PETTICOATS.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[An American Lady is about to explore Africa, on humane
+        principles.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Arrive in Africa</i>.&mdash;Convinced that real way of
+    taming the savage heart is by <i>Feminine Tact</i>. No need of
+    brutal habits of male adventurers. Two negresses, from "Ole
+    Virginny," with me, who said they would like to "see Africa
+    again"; a few Arabs, to carry our baggage. Intend to study
+    home-life of African tribes, and to get them to talk into my
+    phonograph.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:18%;">
+        <a href="images/45.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/45.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Month Later</i>.&mdash;Have had to exhibit more Feminine
+    Tact than I expected. Got entangled in swampy forest on Zambesi
+    (I think), and Arabs declined to extricate us unless their pay
+    was doubled! Also one of negresses&mdash;horrid
+    woman!&mdash;has deserted me&mdash;come to place that she
+    pretended to recognise as her native village, and said she
+    meant to stay! Tact useless with females!</p>
+
+    <p><i>On Lake Tanganyika</i>&mdash;or if it isn't Lake
+    Tanganyika, it's <i>an entirely new lake</i>,&mdash;which I
+    have been the first to discover! Suffer a good deal from fever
+    and queer diet. Am studying native home-life.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Later</i>.&mdash;Have left two Arabs and my remaining
+    negress on Lake, and gone myself to look for STANLEY's Dwarfs.
+    Told that TIPPOO TIB is somewhere about. Also advised to be
+    very careful not to fall in with the "man-eating Manyuema."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Still Later</i>.&mdash;Did fall in with them! Also fell
+    out with them. They made all preparations for using me as a
+    side-dish at a cannibal banquet, when TIPPOO TIB arrived and
+    released me.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tanganyika again!</i>&mdash;Back here safe and sound!
+    TIPPOO TIB turned out most unsatisfactory. Wanted to marry
+    me!&mdash;with a hundred other wives already! Not prepared for
+    <i>this</i> sort of home-life. Managed to get away by
+    describing to him a Remington typewriter, and promising if he
+    let me go, to bring one back <i>at once</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>Find that my "rear-guard"&mdash;the negress and
+    Arabs&mdash;have been up to fearful pranks during my absence.
+    Negress killed and ate one of Arabs, and then other Arab killed
+    and ate negress! Tell remaining Arab I shall have him punished
+    when I get to Coast. Arab says he'll get there first, and
+    publish a book showing <i>me</i> up!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Latest</i>.&mdash;Left alone in middle of Africa, with a
+    phonograph, several bales of baggage, and a diary. Question now
+    is&mdash;will Feminine Tact show me road to Zanzibar?</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>UNIVERSITY HONOURS.&mdash;"SMITH's Prizeman"&mdash;ARTHUR
+    BALFOUR. The "Senior Wrangler" (for several years
+    past)&mdash;Mr. GLADSTONE.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTE-BOOK.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>For the Use of Professional Diners-out and other
+    Amateur Entertainers.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p><i>The Meeting of Parliament</i>.&mdash;This is not a very
+    promising subject, but mild mirth may be produced in outlying
+    districts (say Southend or Honiton, Devon) by observing, that
+    the rock upon which the Irish Party went to pieces was a happy
+    one&mdash;in fact, a GLAD-STONE. This, strictly speaking, is
+    <i>not</i> a new jest, and therefore must be helped out by a
+    burst of self-supplied laughter. You might add, that as Members
+    of Parliament are obliged, by the rules of the House, to
+    address their colleagues <i>standing</i>, there would he little
+    chance of a <i>seated</i> discussion. But you must, however,
+    take care to cough when you say <i>seated</i>, so that those on
+    the look-out for a brilliant <i>bon-mot</i> may know that you
+    mean <i>heated</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Revolt in Chili</i>.&mdash;The name of the place in
+    which the disturbances have occurred will help you effectively
+    to remark that the outbreak is seasonable during the present
+    inclement weather. As the Army sympathises with the Government,
+    and the sister service with the rioters, you can suggest "that
+    knaves would, of course, be supported by the <i>Navy</i>!" This
+    may lead up to a really magnificent burst of waggery in the
+    assertion that the dissentients must of necessity be "all at
+    sea."</p>
+
+    <p><i>The New Archbishop of York</i>.&mdash;Insist that his
+    Grace is a Scotchman, and not an Irishman, and prove your
+    proposition by declaring that the road to success was "MACGEE's
+    (pronounced MAGGIE's) secret!" This really splendid flash of
+    humour will bear polishing&mdash;as written it seems a little
+    in the rough. You may refer to the Primate's universally
+    acknowledged partiality for quiet sarcasm, by saying that "ever
+    since he joined the ecclesiastical Bench he has been known as
+    an <i>arch</i> Bishop!" These entertaining quibbles, delicately
+    handled, should be received with enthusiasm at a five o'clock
+    tea in a Deanery.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The New Play at the Haymarket</i>.&mdash;As the plot
+    turns upon the doings of the Society of Friends, you may
+    extract a jest by saying "that many of the characters trembled
+    with anxiety before its production&mdash;in fact, were
+    <i>quakers</i>!" The name of the Manager of the Haymarket has
+    frequently been the subject of a quip, if not a crank; still it
+    may yet serve as a peg for slyly observing that, "At the fall
+    of the Curtain, TREE, naturally enough, appeared with a
+    <i>bough</i>!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Weather</i>.&mdash;Of course you must introduce this
+    subject, and as everything that <i>can</i> be said <i>has</i>
+    been said about it, you may quote SYDNEY SMITH as your
+    authority for observing, that the only possible sport for
+    M.F.H.'s at this time of the year must be "<i>hunt&mdash;the
+    slipper!</i>" If the point of this "good thing" is not
+    immediately obvious, the fault will be with SIDNEY SMITH, and
+    not with you. And this quaint oddity should satiate your
+    audience with mirth and merriment until next week&mdash;and
+    even longer!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46"
+       id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/46.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/46.png"
+             alt="A COLD RECEPTION.&lt;/h3&gt;" /></a>
+
+        <h3>A COLD RECEPTION: OR PARLIAMENT MEETING IN A
+        BLIZZARD.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page47"
+       id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span>
+
+    <h2>STILL ANOTHER CHAPTER OF MY MEMOIR.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>In Supplement of "Harper."</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h4>BY MONSIEUR VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/47-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/47-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Forget at this moment where I was born, but I lived long
+    enough at Marseilles to be married in that great southern
+    French city. My wife's father had been in the Marines; her
+    uncle (on the grandfather's side) had been a <i>Sapeur
+    pompier</i>. Thus did I, as it were, become <i>lié</i> with the
+    sea and land forces of my adopted country. My wife's mother was
+    a descendant of a noble but anonymous family in the Vosges,
+    whilst her maternal uncle was accustomed to attach to himself
+    some local unpopularity by preferring for investigation a
+    complicated sheet which set forth his genealogy, tracing his
+    origin back to the Bourbons.</p>
+
+    <p>You ask me which Bourbon? I frankly answer, I cannot tell.
+    My wife's maternal uncle spoke of them as "<i>the</i>
+    Bourbons," just as you talk of "<i>the</i> Groceries," and no
+    one asks you <i>Lequel</i>? As for my own ancestry, I do not
+    speak of it. I have never been in the habit of thrusting myself
+    on the attention of the public. It is sufficient for me that my
+    wife's maternal uncle's ancestors were Bourbons.</p>
+
+    <p>I first began to take charge of public affairs in connection
+    with an election that took place in the city where I found
+    myself. M. DE LESSEPS opposed THIERS and GAMBETTA. He presented
+    himself as an independent candidate. Was he? I suspected.
+    Already I had my secret agents in every centre of population.
+    One, whose letter bore the post-mark the Pyramids, placed in my
+    hand proof that DE LESSEPS was an official candidate of the
+    Empire. I secretly conveyed this information to a local
+    newspaper. The news burst like a tempest on the public of
+    Marseilles, and swept away in its irresistible whirl the
+    candidature of M. DE LESSEPS.</p>
+
+    <p>This was pretty well for a first newspaper paragraph, worth
+    at the time, as I remember thinking, more than the paltry three
+    sous a line that became my due. But I had made more than a few
+    sous&mdash;I had made an enemy! Years after, BISMARCK told me
+    how, chatting with NAPOLEON THE THIRD at Donchery, that fallen
+    monarch had recalled this incident, in which his prophetic eye
+    justly discerned the beginning of the end. He admitted that he
+    had said to the EMPRESS, "France is too small for me and VAN DE
+    BLOWITZOWN TROMP. One of us must cross <i>la Manche</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>Sublime! One of us did.</p>
+
+    <p>But my time was not yet. My friends advised, nay, besought
+    me to leave Marseilles. Towards the end of this year (1869) I
+    took their advice, and retired to a small property I chanced to
+    have in the centre of the Landes. This place being dry, and
+    somewhat remote, was peculiarly suitable for watching the
+    growth of great problems with a mind unbiassed by any knowledge
+    of facts. I saw the Franco-German question grow, and I foresaw
+    how it would end. I wrote to THIERS, and told him all about it.
+    When the war broke out I mounted my stilts, and cautiously made
+    my way across the untrodden track, following my Destiny. I had
+    predicted the downfall of the Empire, and, in its last gasp,
+    the Empire strove to wither me. Proceedings had been commenced,
+    when Sedan put an end to them.</p>
+
+    <p>At this epoch France was on her knees, beaten down by the
+    German hand, her eyes blind with blood and tears. One thing
+    alone could cheer her. I could do it, and I did. I applied for
+    Letters of Naturalisation. Some weeks later I became a French
+    citizen, and received a letter from M. ADOLPH CRÉMIEUX, then
+    Minister of Justice, and never suspected of being a wag. He
+    wrote: "Your application for Naturalisation in the midst of our
+    great disasters, is for me the signal of a new life for us. A
+    country which in the midst of such catastrophes recruits
+    citizens like you, is not to be despaired of."</p>
+
+    <p>Years after, THIERS, then President of the Republic, said,
+    "I never will forget that you became a Frenchman in the time of
+    our misfortunes." EDMUND ABOUT picturesquely said, "<i>Il s'est
+    fait naturaliser vaincu.</i>" BISMARCK has told me that the
+    Emperor WILLIAM, then at Versailles, in the first flush of
+    triumph at touch on his brow of the Imperial diadem, hearing of
+    the event through the capturing of a balloon despatched with
+    the news to dolorous Paris, passed a sleepless night.</p>
+
+    <p>"I fear me" he said, "all will now be lost."</p>
+
+    <p>"Not at all, your Majesty," said BISMARCK, affecting an
+    indifference he assures me he did not feel. "There is not even
+    a Frenchman the more. They have lost an Emperor and gained VAN
+    DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP. <i>Ce met égal.</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>"Not quite," said the Emperor, with subtle flattery. The
+    Emperor WILLIAM, though he had his failings, was a keen judge
+    of the comparative value of men.</p>
+
+    <p>The limits of this article compel me to glance hastily over
+    succeeding epochs in a career with the main drift of which the
+    civilised world is already familiar. After saving Marseilles to
+    the Republic, by a series of actions alternating between
+    desperate valour and brilliant strategy, I went to Paris to
+    report on the great event. Calling on the official entrusted
+    with the duty of considering claims to decorations, I began at
+    once by saying that my own name must not be taken into
+    consideration.</p>
+
+    <p>"Let my name," I said, gently but firmly, "be scored out in
+    the proposed list of decorations."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Mais, Monsieur</i>" he said, "there is no such
+    list."</p>
+
+    <p>I, however, was not to be put off with excuse of that kind.
+    I insisted, both to the Secretary of the Minister of War, to M.
+    THIERS, that I should not be decorated. I was only too
+    successful. When the list came out, all my associates at
+    Marseilles were decorated. I was not included. This was all
+    right. It was what I had requested. I could say nothing. All
+    the same, I could not help thinking that my advice had been too
+    literally accepted.</p>
+
+    <p>Every morning, for a week after, I called on M. THIERS. At
+    the end of the sixth day he said, "You must go to Riga. I do
+    not quite know where it is, but it sounds remote. You shall be
+    Consul at Riga." I was delighted. Like the President, I was not
+    sure where Riga was; but the salary was certain, and there was
+    fine old Roman flavour about the title Consul.</p>
+
+    <p>But it was not to be. I was predestined to be a great
+    Newspaper Correspondent. How that came about cannot be told in
+    this chapter. I will only say that early in my new career I
+    secured the approbation of Mr. DELANE, who, I need scarcely
+    say, was the most competent judge the world ever saw of the
+    merits of a journalist.</p>
+
+    <p>At the risk of being dry and bald, I have confined myself to
+    telling accurately what has happened, my greatest ambition
+    being to leave no one the chance of misrepresenting, as his
+    whim, fancy, or passion may dictate, facts in which I am so
+    deeply interested. Let those note them who, after my time, have
+    to defend my memory should it ever be attacked.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/47-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/47-2.png"
+             alt="The Shinner Quartette." /></a>"The Shinner
+             Quartette;" or, Musical Football.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"MORE HONOURED IN THE BREACH THAN THE
+    OBSERVANCE."&mdash;Breach of Promise cases&mdash;as a rule.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page48"
+       id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span>
+
+    <h2>A GENERAL VIEW OF "PRIVATE INQUIRY."</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/48.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/48.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I am sufficiently old-fashioned, when I go to the play, to
+    wish to be amused. I frankly admit I do not care to be taught a
+    lesson, or to have my mind harrowed by the presentation of some
+    psychological study. I can remember WRIGHT, and even HARLEY,
+    and the days when a good piece of fun was the last item of the
+    programme at the Adelphi and the Olympic&mdash;the chief
+    attraction of the Pittites, who patronised "half-price." This
+    being so, I am glad to find at the Strand&mdash;a theatre
+    recalling memories of JIMMY ROGERS and JOHNNY CLARKE, PATTY
+    OLIVER and CHARLOTTE SAUNDERS, to say nothing of a lady who was
+    not only Queen of Comedy but Empress of
+    Burlesque&mdash;"<i>Private Inquiry</i>," a thoroughly well
+    acted and rattling farce in three Acts. It is from the French,
+    but as the task of adaptation has been entrusted to the Author
+    who turned <i>Bébé</i> the Frisky into <i>Betsy</i> the
+    Wholesome, any scruples of conscience that the LORD CHAMBERLAIN
+    may possibly have entertained on reading the original have been
+    successfully removed, and the play, consequently, is not only
+    highly entertaining, but absolutely free from offence. I did
+    not see it until it had reached its eighth night, and I do not
+    remember a piece, taken as a whole, so excellently acted.
+    Although he does not appear until the Second Act, Mr. WILLIE
+    EDOUIN, as <i>'Arry 'Ooker</i>, the Private Inquiry Agent, is
+    <i>the</i> feature of the performance. His politeness to
+    ladies, his assumption of businesslike habits, suggested by his
+    reading and spiking of bogus telegrams brought to him when he
+    is engaged with a client, his urbanity under difficulties, and
+    his cheerful acceptance of the inevitable in whatever shape
+    presented, are all admirable points, and points that are fully
+    appreciated by the audience. Roars of laughter follow the one
+    after the other when <i>'Arry 'Ooker</i> is on the stage.
+    Nothing can be more absurd than his make-up, his bows, his
+    grimaces, and yet under the surface there is a vein of pathos
+    that causes one to feel a pang of genuine regret when the
+    poverty-stricken, light-hearted rogue, who, if he cannot secure
+    a hundred guineas, is equally ready to accept a "tenner," is
+    marched oft to penal servitude as the Curtain falls. The clerk
+    of this entertaining individual, <i>Toby</i>, is played by a
+    boy like a boy, by Master Buss. Farther, Mr. ALFRED MALTBY
+    could not be better as the suspicious and bamboozled husband,
+    <i>Richard Wrackham</i>. Again, even the small part of
+    <i>Alexander</i>, a Waiter, is well played. Once more&mdash;the
+    ladies, without exception, are capital; and as a result of this
+    all-round excellence, the piece "goes," from a quarter to nine
+    till just eleven, with a <i>verve</i> that must be most
+    satisfactory to all concerned. So I can congratulate the Author
+    upon a piece full of lines that tell, and the Manager upon a
+    play that is likely to rival in popularity its predecessor, the
+    phenomenally-successful <i>Our Flat.</i> And I can offer these
+    congratulations with a dear conscience, because I am neither
+    Author of the piece nor Manager of the theatre, but as Mr.
+    RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, QUITE ANOTHER FELLOW.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LARKS!</h2>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;I am surprised that any of your Correspondents
+    should doubt that birds eat snow. There is a bull-finch in my
+    aviary, and I tried him. He ate it ravenously. Strange to say,
+    he has not uttered a sound since! My wife says, "Probably his
+    <i>pipe</i> is frozen." This is such a good joke, I think you
+    ought to have it.</p>
+
+    <p>Yours, LOVER OF NATURE.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;You may like to have the following story in
+    support of the idea that animals are aware that snow is frozen
+    water. It was related to me by a rather rackety nephew, who has
+    lived part of his life in South America, and whose word can be
+    strictly relied on. He relates that once, when he was
+    travelling among the Andes, at an elevation of some twenty
+    thousand feet, his mules became very thirsty, and no water was
+    obtainable. Each animal seized a <i>calabash</i> with its
+    teeth, filled it with snow, and trotted off to the crater of an
+    adjacent volcano; it then waited till the lava melted the snow,
+    which it drank up, and finally trotted back again. My nephew
+    says he should not have believed a mule could be so clever, if
+    he had not seen it.</p>
+
+    <p>Yours obediently, SAMUEL SOBERSIDES.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;Since writing you that letter about our
+    bull-finch, I have discovered an even more surprising fact,
+    which I am sure no Naturalist has yet dreamed of. Not only do
+    birds appreciate snow, but they are very fond of <i>iced
+    beverages</i>. A tom-tit, who often drinks water from a saucer
+    which we put on our window-sill, one day found the water
+    frozen. What did the intelligent creature do? Why, it rapped on
+    the window-pane with its beak till the window was opened, then
+    hopped on to the sideboard, and began trying to peck the cork
+    out of a whiskey bottle! I took the hint, and poured some of
+    the spirit into the saucer; the bird drank it greedily! My
+    wife's comment on this occurrence is really too good to be
+    lost, so I send it you. She said, "Evidently the bird was not a
+    <i>tomtitotaller</i>!"</p>
+
+    <p>Yours, in convulsions, LOVER OF NATURE (<i>as
+    before</i>).</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A PINT OF HALF-AND-HALF.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"'<i>Qui va la?</i>' says he."</p>
+
+            <p>"'<i>Je</i>,' replies I, knowing the language."</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">"<i>Jeames" and another Old
+            Story</i>.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The international susceptibilities of Sheriff
+    DRURIOLANUS&mdash;henceforth to bear the Anglo-French title,
+    <i>Monsieur le Shérif 'Arris de Paris</i>, or <i>'Arry de
+    Parry</i>,&mdash;appear to have been considerably hurt by a
+    statement in the <i>Débats</i> to the effect that the
+    appearance in the London streets of men dressed as
+    Gendarmes&mdash;"<i>en gendarmes français</i>," writes MOSSOO
+    DRURIOLANE&mdash;intended as perambulating advertisements for
+    the Waterloo Panorama, was due to a supreme effort of his
+    managerial genius. So Shérif DRURIOLANE wrote at once to the
+    London Correspondent of the <i>Figaro</i>, who bears the
+    singularly French name of JOHNSON, denying, in his very best
+    French, that he, M. le Shérif, had had anything to do with
+    these walking advertisements, or, indeed, with the Panorama
+    Company at all, from which he had retired a year ago. Then he
+    adds, like the <i>preux chevalier</i> he is known to be, that
+    had he still been on the direction of the aforesaid
+    <i>Compagnie</i>, he, at all events, would never, never have
+    committed the enormity of even suggesting, however vaguely, an
+    idea so calculated to needlessly insult "<i>les susceptibilités
+    françaises</i>." ("<i>Hear! hear!</i>" and "<i>Très bien!</i>"
+    from the left.) Then M. le Shérif DRURIOLANE, rising to the
+    occasion, finishes with this magnificent flourish on the French
+    horn&mdash;"<i>Je suit né en France</i>"&mdash;(Isn't it very
+    much "to his credit," we ask with W.S.G., that, "In spite of
+    all temptations, To belong to other nations, He remains an
+    Englishman?" Why, certainly)&mdash;"<i>j'ai vécu parmi les
+    Français, et je suis à moitié enfant de Paris</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>Beautiful! <i>Magnifique!</i> Our DRURIOLANUS is surpassing
+    even the G.O.M., who has been born, more or less, everywhere,
+    except in Paris. Should the Republic be in danger, or should
+    Monarchists or Imperialists get a chance and want a man for the
+    place, let them wire to DRURIOLANUS, "<i>à moitié enfant de
+    Paris</i>" and the "<i>Enfant</i>"&mdash;"<i>Enfant</i> ARRIS,"
+    not "<i>Enfant</i> GATTI"&mdash;will be ready, aye ready, to
+    assume the purple, and to bring all his properties with him.
+    "<i>À moitié</i>"&mdash;and the other half? That will ever
+    remain British. So <i>à la santé de Monsieur le
+    Shérif-enfant-de-Londres-et-Paris</i>, in a pint of
+    Half-and-half, and let it, like Le Shérif himself, have a good
+    head on!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE ROLLING OF THE R'S.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"We are told that the omission to roll it (the letter
+        <i>r</i>) is as flagrant a misdemeanor as the dropping of
+        the <i>h</i>."&mdash;<i>James Payn in the Illustrated
+        News</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>AIR&mdash;"<i>The Wearing of the Green</i>."</h4>
+
+    <h4><i>Soft-spoken Person sings:&mdash;</i></h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It's vewy wong, widiculous, and howwid, I've no
+            doubt,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To leave that little letter <i>r</i>
+            unuttahed or unwolled;</p>
+
+            <p>But if you <i>haven't</i> any <i>r</i>'s you've got
+            to do without,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And I can no maw woll <i>my r</i>'s than
+            dwink my clawet cold.</p>
+
+            <p>A Dowie wuggedness of speech I weally <i>can't</i>
+            attain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And though gwammawians may wave in
+            leadewetts and pars,</p>
+
+            <p>I quite agwee with good JAMES PAYN that all their
+            wow is vain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The angwy wout must do without "the
+            wolling of the <i>r</i>'s!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>HAGIOLOGICAL AND HISTORICAL NOTE.&mdash;Dr. HAROLD BROWNE,
+    "the retiring Bishop" of Winchester, as he is called, on
+    account of his innate modesty, wrote to the people of Farnham
+    to say that, "never was there a Bishop since the time of his
+    earliest predecessor in the See, St. Swithin, more literally
+    'at home' at Farnham Castle than himself." To this fact Dr.
+    H.B. is, perhaps, unaware that the Saint in question owed his
+    name, as when any visitor called to ask if he were at home, the
+    Hall-porter of the period invariably answered, "Yes, Saint's
+    within." Dr. HAROLD BROWNE is welcome to this information,
+    which ought to have been in <i>Notes and Queries</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>It is said that the invitations for the Drury Lane
+    celebration of Twelfth Night will not be sent out with so free
+    a hand next year, the young men on the recent occasion having
+    been so Baddeley behaved.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100., Jan. 24, 1891., by Various
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1809 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.,
+Jan. 24, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 24, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 10, 2004 [EBook #12872]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+January 24, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.
+
+NO. XII.--THE MATE OF THE MARLINSPIKE.
+
+(_BY SHARK MUSSELL; AUTHOR OF "ERECT WITH A STOVE IN HER," "MY GYP
+MADE TO WHEEZE," "THE ROMANCE OF A PENNY PARLOUR," "A HOOK FOR THE
+BANNOCK," "FOUND THE GAL ON FIRE," "THE MYSTERY OF THE LOTION JAR,"
+"THE JOKES O' LEAD," &C., &C., &C._)
+
+    ["Here you are, my hearty," writes the Author, "this is a
+    regular briny ocean story, all storms and thunderclaps and
+    sails and rigging and soaring masts and bellying sails. How
+    about 'avast heaving' and 'shiver my timbers,' and 'son of a
+    sea-cook,' and all that? No, thank you; that kind of thing's
+    played out. MARRYAT was all very well _in his day_, but that
+    day's gone. The public requires stories about merchant ships,
+    and, by Neptune, the public shall have them, with all kinds
+    of hairy villains and tempest-tossed wrecks and human interest
+    and no end of humour, likewise word-pictures of ships and
+    storms. That's me. So clear the decks, and here goes."]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+We were in mid-ocean. Over the vast expanses of the oily sea no ripple
+was to be seen although Captain BABBIJAM kept his binoculars levelled
+at the silent horizon for three-quarters of an hour by the saloon
+clock. Far away in the murky distance of the mysterious empyrean, a
+single star flashed with a weird brilliance down upon the death-like
+stillness of the immemorial ocean. Yet the good old _Marlinspike_
+was rolling from side to side and rising and falling as if the liquid
+expanse were stirred by the rush of a tempest instead of lying as
+motionless as a country congregation during the rector's sermon.
+Suddenly Captain BABBIJAM closed his binoculars with an angry snap,
+and turned to me. His face showed of a dark purple under his white
+cotton night-cap.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The silly old ship," he muttered, half to himself and half to me, "is
+trying to make heavy weather of it; but I'll be even with her. I'll be
+even with her."
+
+"You'll find it a very _odd_ thing to do," I said to him, jocosely.
+
+He sprang at me like a seahorse, and reared himself to his full height
+before me.
+
+"Come, Mr. TUGLEY," he continued, speaking in a low, meaning voice,
+"can you take a star?"
+
+"Sometimes," I answered, humouring his strange fancy; "but there's
+only one about, and it seems a deuce of a long way off--however, I'll
+try;" and, with that, I reached my arm up in the direction of the
+solitary planet, which lay in the vast obscure like a small silver
+candlestick, with a greenish tinge in its icy sparkling, mirrored far
+below in the indigo flood of the abysmal sea, while a grey scud came
+sweeping up, no one quite knew whence, and hung about the glossy face
+of the silent luminary like the shreds of a wedding veil, scattered
+by a honey-moon quarrel across the deep spaces far beyond the hairy
+coamings of the booby-hatch.
+
+"Fool!" said the Captain, softly, "I don't mean that. If you can't
+take a star, can you keep a watch?"
+
+"Well, as to that, Captain," said I, half shocked and half amused at
+his strange questionings, "I never take my own out in a crowd. It's
+one of DENT's best, given me by my aunt, and I've had it for nigh
+upon--"
+
+But the Captain had left me, and was at that moment engaged on his
+after-supper occupation of jockeying a lee yard-arm, while the first
+mate, Mr. SOWSTER, was doing his best to keep up with his rough
+commanding officer by dangling to windward on the flemish horse,
+which, as it was touched in the wind and gone in the forelegs,
+stumbled violently over the buttery hatchway and hurled its
+venturesome rider into the hold.
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+On the following morning we were all sitting in the palatial saloon of
+the _Marlinspike_. We were all there, all the characters, that is to
+say, necessary for the completion of a first class three-volume ocean
+novel. On my right sat the cayenne-peppery Indian Colonel, a small
+man with a fierce face and a tight collar, who roars like a bull and
+says, "Zounds, Sir," on the slightest provocation. Opposite to him
+was his wife, a Roman-nosed lady, with an imperious manner, and a
+Colonel-subduing way of curling her lip. On my left was the funny man.
+As usual he was of a sea-green colour, and might be expected at any
+moment to stagger to a porthole and call faintly for the steward.
+Further down the table sat two young nincompoops, brought on board
+specially in order that they might fulfil their destiny, and fill
+out my story, by falling in love with the fluffy-haired English girl
+who was sitting between them, and pouting equally and simultaneously
+at both. There was also the stout German who talks about "de sturm
+und der vafes." And beside him was the statuesque English beauty,
+whose eyes are of the rich blackness of the tropic sky, whose voice
+has a large assortment of sudden notes of haughtiness, while the
+studied insolence of her manner first freezes her victims and then
+incontinently and inconsistently scorches them. Eventually her proud
+spirit will be tamed, probably by a storm, or a ship-wreck, or by
+ten days in an open boat. I shall then secure your love, my peerless
+ARAMINTA, and you will marry me and turn out as soft and gentle as
+the moss-rose which now nestles in your raven tresses. The Colonel was
+speaking.
+
+"Zounds, Sir!" he was saying. "I don't know what you mean by effects.
+All mine are on board. What do you say, Mr. TUGLEY?" he went on,
+looking at me with a look full of corkscrews and broken glass,
+while his choleric face showed of a purple hue under the effort of
+utterance.
+
+"Well, Colonel," I replied, in an off-hand way, so as not to irritate
+him, "I keep my best effects here;" and, so saying, I produced my
+note-book, and tapped it significantly. "What, for instance, do you
+say to this?"
+
+But, what follows, needs another chapter.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+I found the place in my notebook, cleared my voice, and began.
+"The ship was sailing gloriously under a press of canvas. Her
+foretopgallant-sail swelled to its cotton-like hue out of the black
+shadow of its incurving. High aloft, the swelling squares of her
+studding-sails gleamed in the misty sheen of the pale luminary,
+flinging her frosty light from point to point of the tapering masts,
+which rose, rose, rose into the morning air, as though with intent
+to pierce the glowing orb of day, poised in the heavens like one vast
+ball of liquid fire. Through the wind-hushed spaces of the canvas,
+where the foretopmaststay-sail--"
+
+"I know that foretopmaststay-sail," said the funny man, suddenly. I
+withered him with a look, and turned over the page.
+
+"Here," I said, "is another tip-topper. What do you think of this
+for a storm?--'The liquid acclivities were rising taller, and more
+threatening. With a scream of passion the tortured ship hurled itself
+at their deep-green crests. Cascades of rain, and hail, and snow,
+were dashing down upon her unprotected bulwarks. The inky sky was one
+vast thunder-clap, out of which the steely shaft of an electric flash
+pierced its dazzling path into the heart of the raving deep. The
+scud--'
+
+"I know that scud," said a hateful voice. But, before I could
+annihilate its owner, the pale face of Mr. SPILKINGS, with his
+dead-eyes turned in, dashed breathlessly into the saloon. "By all
+that's holy," he shouted, "the Captain's gone mad, and the crew have
+thrown off all disguise. We are manned by ourang-outangs!"
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+Never shall I forget the horrors of the scene that ensued. We clewed
+up the mizzen royal, we lashed the foretop to make it spin upon its
+heels. The second dog watch barked his shins to the bone, and a
+tail of men hauled upon the halliards to mast-head the yard. Nothing
+availed. We had to be wrecked and wrecked we were, and as I clasped
+ARAMINTA's trustful head to my breast, the pale luminary sailing
+through the angry wrack glittered in phantasmal splendour on the scud
+which--
+
+    [Here the MS. ends unaccountably.--ED. _Punch_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INTERESTED PARTY.
+
+_St. Bernard's Dog_ (_confidentially to Mr. Chaplin_). "NEVER MIND
+THE OLD WOMAN; LET'S KEEP THE MUZZLE ON FOR A YEAR, AND HAVE DONE WITH
+IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CANINE CONFIDENCES.
+
+    _Clever Dog, to the Minister of Agriculture, loquitur_--
+
+  POTTERER, put the muzzle on! Potterer, take it off again!
+  _That_ is not the way, my friend, cruel _rabies_ to restrain.
+            Take my tip!
+  As to self-styled "friends of dogs," too preposterous by half,
+  Who object to all restraint, they deserve on seat or calf
+            One sharp nip.
+
+  It is _doggish_ interest hydrophobia to stamp out;
+  'Tis a curse to us canines; that no person well can doubt
+            Who has sense.
+  They who think we doggies share old maid's sentimental fad,
+  Just as though it really were a dog's _privilege_ to go mad,
+            Must be dense.
+
+  Muzzles are a bore, of course, rather troublesome at times,
+  But I'd rather have my nose made incapable of crimes,
+           Than go free,
+  With the chance of "going off," giving friend or foe a bite.
+  And be clubbed to death or shot, murdered in my master's sight,
+            Don't suit _me_!
+
+  Never mind the fussy frumps, the old women of each sex;
+  Better raise their ready wrath than the prudent public vex
+            With crass rules.
+  Muzzles now and collars then, partial orders soon relaxed;
+  Men rebel when with caprice they are tied, or teased, or taxed,
+            Else they're fools.
+
+  Keep the muzzles on a year, regularly, and _all round_,
+  Every doggy of high breed, mongrel puppy, whelp or hound,
+            Will give thanks
+  To the Minister who tries hydrophobia to stamp out
+  Once for all o'er all the land, with consistency, and without
+            Pottering pranks!
+
+  Mr. CHAPLIN, take my tip! Science speaks in the same sense,
+  So does true philanthropy. Ought to have effect immense,
+            What they say.
+  Heed not that old woman there, with her spoilt and yelping pet;
+  I for every dog of _nous_ in the country speak, you bet.
+            Try! _Good_-day!
+
+    [_Trots out, comfortably muzzled_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOST APPROPRIATE.--We see, from some recently-reported proceedings,
+that the present Inspector appointed under the Infant Life Protection
+Act is "Mr. BABEY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION.
+
+_The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own
+reflection, writes as follows:--_
+
+"I look into the glass, Reader. What do I see?
+
+"I see a pair of laughing, _espiegle_, forget-me-not blue eyes,
+saucy and defiant; a _mutine_ little rose-bud of a mouth, with
+its ever-mocking _moue_; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play
+hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from
+underneath the satin folds of a _rose-the_ dressing-gown, a dainty
+foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco
+slipper," &c., &c.
+
+(_Vide "Passionate Pauline," by Parbleu._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COMING MEETING.
+
+(_REPORTED FROM THE RAILWAY INTELLIGENCE OF 1892._)
+
+The Chairman, who on opening the proceedings was received with a
+feeble chorus of melancholy groans, said that he feared he had no
+better Report to make to the shareholders. ("_Oh! oh!_") It is
+true that he had one fact to mention, which was a matter of supreme
+congratulation, and he needn't say that that was that they hadn't
+yielded a single inch to the men. ("_Oh! oh!" and a Voice, "Oh!
+we've had enough of 'that'!")_ It is also true that this firm and
+unflinching front had necessitated some sacrifice, and had involved
+the Company in no little difficulty. (_Prolonged groans._) He was
+sorry to note these manifestations, for he had not only to announce
+to that meeting the non-payment of any dividend, even to the holders
+of the Company's Debenture Stock, but he had further to inform them,
+that, owing to some difficulty in settling the account of their coal
+contractors, these last had taken proceedings against them, and had
+seized not only all the contents of their refreshment-rooms, but also
+the whole of their rolling-stock. (_Prolonged wailing._) He grieved
+to say that the last two engines that the Company possessed, and which
+they had up to now hidden in the cloak-room at the Edinburgh terminus,
+were unfortunately discovered and seized last night. (_Groans._)
+Still, the Company did not despair of being able to carry on, at
+least, a portion of the Passenger Traffic (_Feeble laughter._) They
+might meet the statement with a manifestation of ridicule--but
+such was the case. It was with a sense of pride in their method of
+triumphing over difficulties, that he announced to the meeting, that a
+train of cattle-trucks would be started for the North daily at twelve
+o'clock, the motive power of which would be the Directors themselves.
+("_Oh! oh!")_ They could not say anything about _the pace_ at which
+the train would travel, but that, _with time_, it would do the
+distance he had little, if any doubt. It is true that in a similar
+experiment on a neighbouring line the train came to a dead halt in the
+first tunnel, and the passengers had to descend in the dark and grope
+their way out to the nearest station as well as they could, but this
+unsatisfactory experience would in no way deter them from making the
+experiment on their own behalf. (_Jeers._) He was sorry to see that
+the ordinary stock of the Company, which, a twelvemonth since, had
+touched 128-3/8,--could not now find purchasers in the Market at
+7-1/2. (_Groans._) But he hoped for better times. ("_Oh! oh!_") But,
+come what would, he would hold fast by his principles, which were,
+"_No Compromise, No Meeting Halfway, No Arbitration, No Concession!_"
+Men might starve, Trade collapse, the Country come to ruin, the
+Company disappear in Bankruptcy, but he cared not. The Directors had
+put their foot down, and, whether right or wrong, whatever happened,
+_there_ they meant, with a good down-right national and pig-headed
+obstinacy, to keep it.
+
+The Chairman was continuing in this strain, but, being interrupted
+by a shower of inkstands, was compelled to close his remarks, the
+proceedings coming to a somewhat abrupt conclusion, in a scene of
+considerable confusion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "STRAIT" TIP.
+
+  Oh, Mister BLAINE, we don't complain
+    That for your country's weal you're caring;
+  But, clever Yankee, _Punch_ would thank 'ee
+    Not to be quite so _over-Behring!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW VERSION.--Every dog must have his--_year_ (of muzzling).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GAME OF PEACE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_April_.--Grand informal meeting of the Crowned Heads of Europe (with
+the CZAR in the chair) to discuss a scheme of general disarmament,
+at which the Emperor of GERMANY creates a profound sensation by the
+announcement that, as a hint to his brother Monarchs, he has himself
+gone on to the retired list, burnt his cocked-hat, disbanded the
+Pomeranian Grenadiers, and confined Herr KRUPP for ten years in a
+second-class fortress.
+
+_May_.--By arrangement, all the great powers call in the uniforms of
+all their troops and present them to the King of the BELGIANS, on the
+understanding that, as the Emperor of the Congo, he shall forthwith
+transport them to Africa, and instantly commence the clothing of seven
+millions of the naked native population.
+
+_June_.--One hundred and eighty thousand horses, with military
+training, coming suddenly on to the market, four-in-hand Hansoms at a
+penny an hour, become common in all the great European capitals, and
+the Derby, for which there are 1371 entries, is won by a Cossack pony,
+trained in Siberia.
+
+_July_.--The barrels of all the magazine rifles melted down, and
+recast, utilised for the production of type-writers, which, being
+produced in large quantities, are supplied with instruction gratis
+to all the children attending the establishments of the London School
+Board, the stocks of the rifles being utilised for the manufacture of
+billiard-cues, walking-sticks, and umbrella-handles.
+
+_August_.--It being resolved to use up all the gunpowder without
+delay, a perpetual display of fireworks is inaugurated at Vienna,
+St. Petersburg, Berlin, Paris, and London, the show in the last-named
+capital including a gigantic set-piece of the Fifteen Decisive Battles
+of the World, which is given five times successively every evening at
+the Crystal Palace for three months, Piccadilly being illuminated from
+6 P.M. to 3 A.M. by the continuous discharge of coloured rockets.
+
+_September_.--The last 101-ton gun having been melted down for the
+forging of the metal piles for one of the four newly-projected Channel
+bridges, a nasty international feeling, fermented by General Officers
+who are obliged to sweep crossings and drive four-wheeled cabs for a
+livelihood,--and who do not like it,--begins to manifest itself, and
+diplomacy intervening irritably only to make matters worse, several
+ultimatums are dispatched from some of the Great Powers to others,
+but owing to the want of soldiers, the matter is put into the hands
+of International Solicitors, who, arranging a stand-up fight for the
+President of the French Republic and the CZAR against the Emperors of
+GERMANY and AUSTRIA, and the KING of ITALY, the matter somehow falls
+through for the moment, and the public excitement subsides.
+
+_October_.--General note from all the Great Powers to each other
+announcing their secession from the "League of Peace," and declaring
+their intention of resorting again to "_Protective Armament_" as soon
+as possible. War declared all round before the end of the month.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+AT THE GUELPH EXHIBITION.
+
+IN THE CENTRAL HALL.
+
+_A Thrifty Visitor_ (_on entering_). Catalogue? No. What's the use
+of a Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of a tract, that tells you
+nothing you don't know!
+
+_His Wife_ (_indicating a pile of Catalogues on table_). Aren't
+_these_ big enough for you?
+
+_The Thr. V._ Those? Why, they're big enough for the _London
+Directory_! Think I'm going to drag a thing like that about the place?
+You don't really want a Catalogue--it's all your fancy!
+
+_Mr. Prattler_ (_to Miss AMMERSON_). Oh, _do_ stop and look at these
+_sweet_ goldfish! Pets! Don't you _love_ them? _Aren't_ they tame?
+
+_Miss Ammerson_. Wouldn't do to have them _wild_--might jump out and
+_bite_ people, you know!
+
+_Mr. P._ It's _too_ horrid of you to make fun of my poor little
+enthusiasms! But really,--couldn't we get something and feed
+them?--_Do_ let's!
+
+_Miss A._ I daresay you could get ham-sandwiches in the Restaurant--or
+chocolates.
+
+_Mr. P._ How unkind you are to me! But I don't care. (_Wilfully._) I
+shall come here all by myself, and bring biscuits. Great big ones! Are
+you determined to take me into that big room with all the Portraits?
+Well, you must tell me who they all are then, and which are the
+Guelphiest ones.
+
+IN THE ROYAL ROOM.
+
+_Considerate Niece_ (_to Uncle_). They seem mostly Portraits here.
+You're sure you don't _mind_ looking at them, Uncle? I know so many
+people _do_ object to Portraits.
+
+_Uncle_ (_with the air of a Christian Martyr_). No, my dear, no: _I_
+don't mind 'em. Stay here as long as you like, I'll sit down and look
+at the people, till you've done.
+
+_First Critical Visitor_ (_examining a View of St. James's Park_).
+I wonder where that was taken. In Scotland, I expect--there's two
+Highlanders there, you see.
+
+_Second C.V._ Shouldn't wonder--lot o' work in that, all those
+different colours, and so many dresses. [_Admires, thoughtfully._
+
+_A Well-read Woman_. That's Queen CHARLOTTE, that is. GEORGE THE
+THIRD's wife, you know--her that was so _domestic_.
+
+_Her Companion_. Wasn't that the one that was shut up in the Tower, or
+something?
+
+_The W.W._ In the Tower? Lor, my dear, no, _I_ never 'eard of it.
+You're thinking of the TUDORS, or some o' that lot, I expect!
+
+_Her Comp._ Am I? I daresay. I never _could_ remember 'Istry. Why,
+if you'll believe me, I always have to stop and think which of the
+GEORGES came first!
+
+_More Critical Visitors_ (_before Portraits_). He's rather
+pleasant-looking, don't you think? I _don't_ like _her_ face at all.
+So peculiar. And what a hideous dress--like a tea-gown without any
+upper part--frightful!
+
+_A Sceptical V._ They all seem to have had such thin lips in those
+days. Somehow, I _can't_ bring myself to believe in such very thin
+lips--can _you_, dear?
+
+_Her Friend_. I always think it's a sign of meanness, myself.
+
+_The S.V._ No; but I mean--I can't believe _everyone_ had them in the
+eighteenth century.
+
+_Her Friend_. Oh, I don't know. If it was the fashion!
+
+ABOUT THE CASES.
+
+_Visitor_ (_admiring an embroidered waistcoat of the time of GEORGE
+THE SECOND--a highly popular exhibit_). What lovely work! Why, it
+looks as if it was done yesterday!
+
+_Her Companion_ (_who is not in the habit of allowing his enthusiasm
+to run away with him_). Um--yes, it's not bad. But, of course, they
+wouldn't send a thing like that here without having it washed and done
+up first!
+
+_An Old Lady_. "Tea-pot used by the Duke of WELLINGTON during his
+campaigns." So he drank _tea_, did he? Dear me! Do you know, my dear,
+I think I must have _my_ old tea-pot engraved. It will make it so much
+more interesting some day!
+
+IN THE SOUTH GALLERY.
+
+_Mr. Prattler_ (_before a Portrait of Lady HAMILTON, by ROMNEY_).
+There! Isn't she too charming? I do call her a perfect _duck_.'
+
+_Miss Ammerson_. Yes, you mustn't forget her when you bring those
+biscuits.
+
+_An Amurrcan Girl_. Father, see up there; there's BYRON. Did you erver
+see such a purrfectly beautiful face?
+
+_Her Father_ (_solemnly_). He was a beautiful _Man_--a beautiful Poet.
+
+_The A.G._ I know--but the _expression_, it's real saint-like!
+
+_Father_ (_slowly_). Well, I guess if he'd had any different kind of
+expression, he wouldn't have written the things he _did_ write, and
+that's a fact!
+
+_A Moralising Old Lady_ (_at Case O_). No. 1260. "Ball of Worsted
+wound by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet, for Mrs. UNWIN." NO. 1261.
+"Netting done by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet." How very nice, and what a
+difference in the habit of literary persons _nowadays_, my dear!
+
+IN THE CENTRAL HALL.--_MR. WHITEROSE, A JACOBITE FIN DE SIECLE, IS
+SEATED ON A BENCH BESIDE A SEEDY STRANGER._
+
+_The S.S._ (_half to himself_). Har, well, there's one comfort, these
+'ere GUELPHS'll get notice to quit afore we're _much_ older!
+
+_Mr. Whiterose_ (_surprised_). You say so? Then--you too are of the
+Young England Party! I am rejoiced to hear it. You cheer me; it is a
+sign that the good Cause is advancing.
+
+_The S.S._ Advancin'? I believe yer. Why, I know a dozen and more as
+are workin' 'art and soul for it!
+
+_Mr. W._ You do? We are making strides, indeed! Our England has
+suffered these usurpers too long.
+
+_The S.S._ Yer right. But we'll chuck 'em out afore long, and it'll be
+"Over goes the Show" with the lot, eh?
+
+_Mr. W._ I had no idea that the--er--intelligent artisan classes were
+so heartily with us. We must talk more of this. Come and see me. Bring
+your friends--all you can depend upon. Here is my card.
+
+_The S.S._ (_putting the card in the lining of his hat_). Right,
+Guv'nor; we'll come. I wish there was more gents like yer, I do!
+
+_Mr. W._ We are united by a common bond. We both detest--do we
+not?--the Hanoverian interlopers. We are both pledged never to rest
+until we have brought back to the throne of our beloved England,
+her lawful sovereign lady--(_uncovering_)--our gracious MARY of
+Austria-Este, the legitimate descendant of CHARLES the Blessed Martyr!
+
+_The S.S._ 'Old on, Guv'nor! Me and my friends are with yer so fur
+as doing away with these 'ere hidle GUELPHS; but blow yer MARY of
+Orstria, yer know. Blow _'er_!
+
+_Mr. W._ (_horrified_). Hush--this is rank treason! Remember--she is
+the lineal descendant of the House of Stuart!
+
+_The S.S._ What of it? There won't be no lineal descendants when we
+git _hour_ way, 'cause there won't be nothing to descend to nobody.
+The honly suv'rin _we_ mean to 'ave is the People--the Democrisy. But
+there, you're young, me and my friends'll soon tork you over to hour
+way o' thinking. I dessay we ain't fur apart, as it is. I got yer
+address, and we'll drop in on yer some night--never fear. No hevenin'
+dress, o' course?
+
+_Mr. W._ Of course. I--I'll look out for you. But I'm seldom
+in--hardly _ever_, in fact.
+
+_The S.S._ Don't you fret about _that_. Me and my friends ain't
+nothing partickler to do just now. We'll _wait_ for yer. I should like
+yer to know ole BILL GABB. You should 'ear _that_ feller goin' on agin
+the GUELPHS when he's 'ad a little booze--it 'ud do your 'art good!
+Well, I on'y come in 'ere as a deligate like, to report, and I seen
+enough. So 'ere's good-day to yer.
+
+_Mr. W._ (_alone_). I shall have to change my rooms--and I _was_ so
+comfortable! Well, well,--another sacrifice to the Cause!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There was a bronze group by POLLET among the specimens of sculpture in
+the French _Salon_, some twenty years ago,--"It may be more or less
+an hour or so," as the poet sings,--representing a female form being
+carried upwards in the embrace of a rather evil-looking Angel. It
+illustrated a poem by the Vicomte ALFRED DE VIGNY, which I remember
+reading, in consequence of this very statue having come into my
+possession (it was afterwards sold at Messrs. CHRISTIE, MANSON &
+WOODS, under the style and title of "Lot 121, _Elsa_"), and it
+occurs to me that it was on precisely the same theme as the other
+ALFRED's--not the _Vicomte_ but _Mister_ ALFRED AUSTIN's--"_The Tower
+of Babel_," which I have just read with much pleasure, and, with some
+profit; the moral, as I take it, being favourable to the Temperance
+cause, as a warning against all spirits, good, bad, or indifferent.
+_Afrael_, the inhabitant of a distant star, falls in love with
+_Noema_, the wife of the atheistical Babelite _Aran_, to whom she has
+borne a son, aged in the poem, as far as I can make out, about eight
+years, and a fine boy for that. Anyhow, it makes _Noema_ at least
+twenty-five, supposing she married at sweet seventeen, and, indeed,
+she alludes to herself in the poem as no longer in her first youth.
+
+Well, _Aran_, who is very far from being a domestic character, is
+struck down by avenging lightning at the destruction of the Tower
+of Babel, and _Noema_ is left a widow, with her child, who has been
+protected in the _melee_ by the Spirit _Afrael's_ taking him out of
+it, and restoring him to his mother's arms. When, after this, the
+infatuated spirit-lover _Afrael_ requests _Noema_ to say the word
+which shall make a man of him, and a husband of him too at the same
+time, she modestly refuses, until she has had a decent time to order
+her widow's weeds at her milliner's and wear them for about a month or
+so, at the expiration of which interval _Afrael_ may, if he be still
+of the same mind, call in again, and pop the question.
+
+_Afrael_ bids good-bye to the Upper House, and, his heart being
+ever true to _Poll_--meaning _Noema_--he returns, makes an evening
+call upon her, and asks her, in effect, "Is it to be '_Yes-ema_,'
+or '_No-ema_'?" The bashful widow chooses the former, and the
+Spirit-lover _Afrael_, renouncing his immortality, i.e., giving
+up spirits, becomes plain _Mr. Afrael_, and an ordinary, as far as
+anybody can judge, a very ordinary mortal, showing what a change a
+drop of spirits can effect in a constitution. Now I should like the
+poem "continued in our next." I should like to hear _how_ they got
+on together: and, as longevity was considerable in those patriarchal
+days, I should like to know how they got on together when _Afrael
+Esquire_ was 195, and his wife, _Noema_, was 200. Did _Afrael_ never
+again take to his spirits? Or, did he become miserable and hipped
+having entirely lost his spirits? Did his wife never make sarcastic
+reference to the "stars" with whom he had formerly been acquainted?
+And how about her boy, his step-son? Did they have any family? Whence
+came the money?
+
+Perhaps Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN (whose works are being printed by MACMILLAN
+in a collected form, and among them _The Satire_ now historic)
+will give us an entirely new volume on the same subject, telling an
+expectant public all about _Mr._ and _Mrs. Afrael chez eux_, and, in
+fact, something spicy about this strangely assorted couple; for Poet
+ALFRED will do well to remember and act upon his own dictum when, in
+the preface to _The Satire_, he observed, and with truth, that had he
+originally "written with the grave decorum of a secluded moralist,
+he would" by this time "have gone down into the limbo of forgotten
+bores."
+
+Into that limbo A.A. will never descend. It is delightful to find
+him dedicating his book to Lord LYTTON, to whom--when L.L. was
+OWEN MEREDITH, ALFREDO _mio_ had pointed out that, "in one serious
+particular, he had overlooked parental admonition," and observing on
+that occasion that, "had OWEN MEREDITH even a glimpse of the truth,
+we" (A.A. himself, in 1861, much "we"-er then than now--"_et alors, il
+grandira, il grandira!_") "should have been spared the final _tableau_
+of repentance and forgiveness which concludes _Lucile_." But, thank
+goodness, we (the Baron, and his literary friends) have _not_ been
+spared the touching picture of repentance and forgiveness in ALFRED
+AUSTIN's dedicating his latest poem to Lord LYTTON. _Sic transit ira
+poetarum!_
+
+In _The Season_ ALFREDO sang--
+
+  "I claim the precious privilege of youth,
+  Never to speak except to speak the truth."
+
+But those lines were not written the day before yesterday, and as he
+can no longer "claim" the aforesaid "precious privilege," he can in
+his more mature years "go as he pleases." And there is so much "go"
+in him that he always pleases; so the Baron anticipates the sequel to
+_The Tower of Babel_ on the lines already suggested, presumptuous as
+it may seem to suggest lines to a poet.
+
+_Phra the Phoenician_, a very clever idea, with which BULWER would
+have performed mysteriously thrilling wonders, but which Mr. ARNOLD
+has written at once too heavily and treated too lightly, in too much
+of a "so-called nineteenth century style;" which is a pity, as it is
+full of dramatic incident, and the interest well kept up through some
+two thousand years or so, more or less. He is a wonder is _Mister
+Phra_, and might well be called _Phra Diavolo_ instead of _Phra the
+Phoenician_. Sir EDWIN ARNOLD has written a preface to the volume,
+and seems to express a wish that the wonders here recorded could be
+possibilities of everyday life. But, if so, as _Mr. Weller, Senior_,
+observed, _a propos_ of "there being a Providence in it," "O' course
+there is, SAMMY; or what 'ud become o' the undertakers?" And as to
+cremation--well, such an utter corporeal extinction would be the
+only way of putting an end to the terrestrial existence of _Phra the
+Phoenician_, who, however, "might rise," as _Mrs. Malaprop_ would say,
+"like a Phoenician from the ashes."
+
+The appearance of _A New Lady Audley_ is rather late in the
+half-century as a "skit" on Miss BRADDON's celebrated novel. Now and
+then I found an amusing bit in it, but, on the whole, poor stuff, says
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+My faithful "Co." has been reading poetry and prose, and thus
+communicates the result of his studies:--There is genuine but
+unassuming poetry, which is, after all, only another way of saying
+fine feeling finely expressed, in _Corn and Poppies_, by COSMO
+MONKHOUSE (ELKIN MATHEWS). Much of the verse is musical, and there
+is throughout a vein of thoughtfulness which never degenerates into
+a morbid brooding. I commend particularly "Any Soul to any Body,"
+"A Dead March," and "Mysteries," as good examples of Mr. MONKHOUSE's
+style. So much for verse. Let me now to prose. Like my baronial Chief,
+I say, "Bring me my boots!" and let them be thick, so that I may
+trudge safely through Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING's latest, "_The Light that
+Failed" (Lippincott's Monthly Magazine_, January). This is described
+as Mr. KIPLING's first long story. His publishers, moreover, are good
+enough to take all the trouble of criticism upon their own shoulders.
+They declare that "there is more stern strength in this novel than
+in anything which Mr. KIPLING has written;" but that is, after all,
+only a comparative statement, which profits me little, as I never yet
+estimated the amount of "stern strength" in Mr. KIPLING's previous
+writings. I am, however, told, in addition, that the tale "is as
+intensely moving as it is intensely masculine" (there's lovely
+language!) "and it will not be surprising if it should prove to be
+the literary sensation of the year." To such an expression of opinion
+by competent judges it would be futile to attempt to add very much.
+I will only say, therefore, that the "sensation" produced in me by
+this novel is one of the most disagreeable I ever experienced. The
+characters are, for the most part, inordinately dull, preposterously
+conceited, and insufferably brutal. As for _Dick Heldar_, the hero, no
+more disagreeable and hateful bully-puppy ever thought and talked in
+disconnected gasps through ninety-seven pages. The catastrophe moves
+no pity. Mr. KIPLING seems to despise the public, "who think with
+their boots, and read with their elbows;" but so clever a man might
+surely show his contempt less crudely. KIPLING, I love thee, but never
+more write such another tale!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.
+
+_Hostess_. "WON'T YOU TRY SOME OF THAT JELLY, HERR SILBERMUND?"
+
+_Herr Silbermund_ (_who has just been helped to Pudding_). "ACH, ZANK
+YOU, NO. I VOOT 'RAHZER PEAR VIZ ZE ILLS VE HAF, ZAN VLY TO OZZERS ZAT
+VE KNOW NOT OF.'" [_Herr S. is particularly proud of his knowledge of
+Shakspeare._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WORSE THAN EVER!"
+
+FARMER SMITH _LOQUITUR_:--
+
+  "To market, to market, to buy a fat pig!"
+    Yes, so runs the old-fashioned nursery rhyme,
+  And a porker that's plump, and round-barrel'd and big,
+    Is good business,--or used to be once on a time.
+  But now, they're the horriblest nuisance on earth
+  Are Pigs, and a great deal more plague than they're worth.
+
+  I begin to believe 'twould be better by far
+    If Pigs, like the Dodo, extinct could become.
+  They involve one in nothing but jangle and jar,
+    And as to large profits, why that's all a hum.
+  "Please the Pigs?" That's absurd, a mere obsolete wheeze,
+  For Pigs are precisely the beasts you _can't_ please!
+
+  Gee up, _Dobbin_, old lad! Home's in sight; you have borne
+    My burden, and that of my basket, right well,
+  Your carrying power some neighbours would scorn,
+    But you're sound and good grit, though you mayn't look a swell.
+  We're starting, lad, after our short half-way halt,
+  If we don't make good time it will not be our fault.
+
+  We did the first stretch unexpectedly slick,
+    My basket well loaded a feather-weight seemed,
+  The road was so smooth, and your canter so quick,
+    'Twas better, old lad, than we either had dreamed.
+  A great disappointment to some folk, I think.
+  Then we halted half-way for a rest and a drink.
+
+  That big Irish Pig, which had plagued us so oft.
+    Was away,--running after its head or its tail!
+  Oh joy, _Dobbin_, dear, to jog on, and go soft,
+    No row, no obstruction by hedge-gap or rail.
+  Ah, then they discovered the pace and the pith
+  Of _Dobbin_ the dull, and his mount, Farmer SMITH.
+
+  Now all seems smooth sailing! Hillo! What was that?
+    A squeak? Nay, it sounds like a chorus of squeaks!
+  Don't shy, my dear _Dobbin_--you'll shake off my hat.
+    The lane here grows narrow. Who's there? No one speaks.
+  But that raucous "hrumph! hrumph!" that cacophonous yell!
+  'Tis Pig-noise, and Irish--I know it so well.
+
+  It is right in the road, it is plump in the gap.
+    Steady, _Dobbin_! Don't halt for this hullaballoo--
+  Gee up! and go steady, now there's a good chap.
+    What, the same plaguy Pig! Nay, by Jove, _there are two!_
+  And they're fighting each other, these porkers perverse,
+  In the gap we must pass! Oh! this grows worse and worse!
+
+    [_Whips up Dobbin._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KOCH SURE!
+
+SCENE--_A PLACE OF MEETING. ENTER BROWN AND JONES. THEY SALUTE ONE
+ANOTHER_.
+
+_Brown_ (_excitedly_). Have you heard the good news?
+
+_Jones_ (_stolidly_). What good news?
+
+_Brown_. That Dr. KOCH has at length revealed his secret?
+
+_Jones_ (_startled_). No, has he! Dear me! And that I should have
+missed so pleasant a piece of intelligence! And so he has told an
+anxiously-expectant world the cause of his success! Can _you_ explain
+the matter to me?
+
+_Brown_ (_cheerfully_). With the assistance of the Public Press, to be
+sure I can. See here, I will give you the solution to the problem, as
+told by the Journals, "without puzzling technicalities."
+
+_Jones_. I hang upon your words with an impatience that
+politeness--the outcome of civilisation--alone renders endurable.
+
+_Brown_. Then you must know that Dr. KOCH has discovered that the
+remedy for tuberculosis consists of a glycerine extract of a pure
+cultivation of tubercle bacilli, the local effect of which, when
+injected into a healthy guinea-pig, produces a nodule found at the
+point of inoculation, which, when a second puncture is perpetrated,
+causes what may be called the bacillary fluid to be brought into the
+current of its circulation, so that the infected tissue may react upon
+the agent which it had previously been able to resist. I am not quite
+sure that I have got the _exact_ words, but that's the idea. Simple,
+isn't it?
+
+_Jones_. Very! [_Exeunt severally._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WORSE THAN EVER!"
+
+FARMER SMITH. "TUT-T-T! _TWO OF 'EM!_ BAD ENOUGH WHEN THERE WAS ONLY
+ONE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOMESTIC MELODIES.
+
+(_BY SANCHO PRESTON PANZA._)
+
+WINTER BATH-SONG.
+
+  For weeks the sun each morn arose
+    As 'tis his nature to,
+  But little difference he made
+  Sopp'd by the fog's asthmatic shade;
+  From day's beginning till its close
+    The day no brighter grew.
+  Above the sheets, the sleeper's nose
+    Peep'd shyly, as afraid,
+  While 'neath the dark and draughty flue
+  The burnt-out cinders meanly strew
+  The hearth, where now no firelight glows,
+    No waiting warmth is laid.
+
+  Full many a morn I sprang from bed,
+    As o'er the deadly brink
+  The wretch, with courage of despair,
+  Leaps from the slimy river-stair,
+  By hopeless hope unthinking sped,
+    Ere he can pause to think.
+  Cold as the efforts of the dead,
+    The needle-atom'd air,
+  Impinged upon the limbs that shrink.
+  On shivering shanks, and eyelids pink,
+  And bound its bands about the head,
+    And chill'd the underwear.
+
+  The frost that held us in its grip,
+    Would raise the prisoning paw,
+  And Nature, like a mouse set free,
+  Enjoyed delusive liberty,
+  While every water-pipe must drip
+    To greet the passing thaw.
+  Then rudely dashed from eager lip
+    The cup of joy would be,
+  And fingers numbed, and chattering jaw,
+  Owned unexpelled the winter's flaw,
+  And on the steps the goodmen slip,
+    And shout the major D.
+
+  Long like a fossil tipsy-cake
+    The sponge each morn appeared;
+  The bath, if plenished over-night,
+  Was frozen ere the morning light,
+  And more that frigid water-ache
+    Than unwashed days I feared,
+  Now while the milder zephyrs shake
+    Once more the winter's might,
+  My sponge, my bath, by loss endeared,
+  Shall dree no more a lonely weird;
+  And as young ducks to water take,
+    Shall be my bath ward flight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD DEVON!
+
+Mr. W.H. SMITH will return to Grosvenor Place from Torquay on Monday,
+for the opening of Parliament.
+
+  'Tis pity of you, OLD MORALITY,
+  Back from your rest to loud banality.
+  After St. Stephen's shindy, Devon
+  No doubt appeared a very heaven:
+  But cream's as much like water chalky
+  As Torquay Torrs to Talky-Talky!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF INITIALS.
+
+"Often as I may have been invited," Mr. T.M. HEALY is reported to
+have said, in the course of a recent speech, "I never yet put a toe
+inside his house." Memorable words. Henceforth, name changed to
+TOE-AND-HEALY, M.P.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORD TO MOTHERS.
+
+    [A well-known Dramatic Critic has recently spoken of a play as
+    "just the play in which growing girls will delight."]
+
+  O Anxious Mothers, come and listen
+    To what just now I've got to say.
+  If I'm not wrong, your eyes will glisten
+    Before the end of this my lay.
+  With strong affection overflowing--
+    Your children are indeed your pearls--
+  You can't help feeling pleased at knowing
+    The play's the thing--for growing girls!
+
+  The pages of a lady's journal
+    I've very often read with care,
+  The news, the gossiping eternal,
+    You're always sure of getting there.
+  Of how you ought to bind your tresses,
+    The latest styles, the tint in hair,
+  And there I've seen the kind of dresses
+    It's right for growing girls to wear.
+
+  But never once the slightest mention
+    Of what they'd better go and see,
+  And yet it's clear that some attention
+    To such a thing there ought to be.
+  For sentiment and love they're frantic,
+    They're fond of knights and belted earls,
+  A play that's just the least romantic--
+    Yes, that's the play for growing girls.
+
+  A crowing child, who loves to prattle,
+    Can easily be kept at rest.
+  You've only got to get a rattle,
+    Or p'raps a dolly would be best.
+  A bouncing boy will blow a bubble,
+    And want no more the livelong day;
+  But if a growing girl gives trouble,
+    You've got to take her to the play!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PIONEER IN PETTICOATS.
+
+    [An American Lady is about to explore Africa, on humane
+    principles.]
+
+_Arrive in Africa_.--Convinced that real way of taming the savage
+heart is by _Feminine Tact_. No need of brutal habits of male
+adventurers. Two negresses, from "Ole Virginny," with me, who said
+they would like to "see Africa again"; a few Arabs, to carry our
+baggage. Intend to study home-life of African tribes, and to get them
+to talk into my phonograph.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Month Later_.--Have had to exhibit more Feminine Tact than I
+expected. Got entangled in swampy forest on Zambesi (I think), and
+Arabs declined to extricate us unless their pay was doubled! Also one
+of negresses--horrid woman!--has deserted me--come to place that she
+pretended to recognise as her native village, and said she meant to
+stay! Tact useless with females!
+
+_On Lake Tanganyika_--or if it isn't Lake Tanganyika, it's _an
+entirely new lake_,--which I have been the first to discover! Suffer a
+good deal from fever and queer diet. Am studying native home-life.
+
+_Later_.--Have left two Arabs and my remaining negress on Lake, and
+gone myself to look for STANLEY's Dwarfs. Told that TIPPOO TIB is
+somewhere about. Also advised to be very careful not to fall in with
+the "man-eating Manyuema."
+
+_Still Later_.--Did fall in with them! Also fell out with them.
+They made all preparations for using me as a side-dish at a cannibal
+banquet, when TIPPOO TIB arrived and released me.
+
+_Tanganyika again!_--Back here safe and sound! TIPPOO TIB turned out
+most unsatisfactory. Wanted to marry me!--with a hundred other wives
+already! Not prepared for _this_ sort of home-life. Managed to get
+away by describing to him a Remington typewriter, and promising if he
+let me go, to bring one back _at once_.
+
+Find that my "rear-guard"--the negress and Arabs--have been up to
+fearful pranks during my absence. Negress killed and ate one of Arabs,
+and then other Arab killed and ate negress! Tell remaining Arab I
+shall have him punished when I get to Coast. Arab says he'll get there
+first, and publish a book showing _me_ up!
+
+_Latest_.--Left alone in middle of Africa, with a phonograph, several
+bales of baggage, and a diary. Question now is--will Feminine Tact
+show me road to Zanzibar?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY HONOURS.--"SMITH's Prizeman"--ARTHUR BALFOUR. The "Senior
+Wrangler" (for several years past)--Mr. GLADSTONE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTE-BOOK.
+
+(_FOR THE USE OF PROFESSIONAL DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR
+ENTERTAINERS._)
+
+_The Meeting of Parliament_.--This is not a very promising subject,
+but mild mirth may be produced in outlying districts (say Southend or
+Honiton, Devon) by observing, that the rock upon which the Irish Party
+went to pieces was a happy one--in fact, a GLAD-STONE. This, strictly
+speaking, is _not_ a new jest, and therefore must be helped out by
+a burst of self-supplied laughter. You might add, that as Members of
+Parliament are obliged, by the rules of the House, to address their
+colleagues _standing_, there would he little chance of a _seated_
+discussion. But you must, however, take care to cough when you say
+_seated_, so that those on the look-out for a brilliant _bon-mot_ may
+know that you mean _heated_.
+
+_The Revolt in Chili_.--The name of the place in which the
+disturbances have occurred will help you effectively to remark that
+the outbreak is seasonable during the present inclement weather. As
+the Army sympathises with the Government, and the sister service
+with the rioters, you can suggest "that knaves would, of course, be
+supported by the _Navy_!" This may lead up to a really magnificent
+burst of waggery in the assertion that the dissentients must of
+necessity be "all at sea."
+
+_The New Archbishop of York_.--Insist that his Grace is a Scotchman,
+and not an Irishman, and prove your proposition by declaring that
+the road to success was "MACGEE's (pronounced MAGGIE's) secret!"
+This really splendid flash of humour will bear polishing--as written
+it seems a little in the rough. You may refer to the Primate's
+universally acknowledged partiality for quiet sarcasm, by saying that
+"ever since he joined the ecclesiastical Bench he has been known as
+an _arch_ Bishop!" These entertaining quibbles, delicately handled,
+should be received with enthusiasm at a five o'clock tea in a Deanery.
+
+_The New Play at the Haymarket_.--As the plot turns upon the doings of
+the Society of Friends, you may extract a jest by saying "that many
+of the characters trembled with anxiety before its production--in
+fact, were _quakers_!" The name of the Manager of the Haymarket has
+frequently been the subject of a quip, if not a crank; still it may
+yet serve as a peg for slyly observing that, "At the fall of the
+Curtain, TREE, naturally enough, appeared with a _bough_!"
+
+_The Weather_.--Of course you must introduce this subject, and as
+everything that _can_ be said _has_ been said about it, you may quote
+SYDNEY SMITH as your authority for observing, that the only possible
+sport for M.F.H.'s at this time of the year must be "_hunt--the
+slipper!_" If the point of this "good thing" is not immediately
+obvious, the fault will be with SIDNEY SMITH, and not with you.
+And this quaint oddity should satiate your audience with mirth and
+merriment until next week--and even longer!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A COLD RECEPTION: OR PARLIAMENT MEETING IN A BLIZZARD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STILL ANOTHER CHAPTER OF MY MEMOIR.
+
+(_IN SUPPLEMENT OF "HARPER."_)
+
+BY MONSIEUR VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Forget at this moment where I was born, but I lived long enough at
+Marseilles to be married in that great southern French city. My wife's
+father had been in the Marines; her uncle (on the grandfather's side)
+had been a _Sapeur pompier_. Thus did I, as it were, become _lie_ with
+the sea and land forces of my adopted country. My wife's mother was
+a descendant of a noble but anonymous family in the Vosges, whilst
+her maternal uncle was accustomed to attach to himself some local
+unpopularity by preferring for investigation a complicated sheet which
+set forth his genealogy, tracing his origin back to the Bourbons.
+
+You ask me which Bourbon? I frankly answer, I cannot tell. My wife's
+maternal uncle spoke of them as "_the_ Bourbons," just as you talk
+of "_the_ Groceries," and no one asks you _Lequel_? As for my own
+ancestry, I do not speak of it. I have never been in the habit of
+thrusting myself on the attention of the public. It is sufficient
+for me that my wife's maternal uncle's ancestors were Bourbons.
+
+I first began to take charge of public affairs in connection with
+an election that took place in the city where I found myself. M.
+DE LESSEPS opposed THIERS and GAMBETTA. He presented himself as an
+independent candidate. Was he? I suspected. Already I had my secret
+agents in every centre of population. One, whose letter bore the
+post-mark the Pyramids, placed in my hand proof that DE LESSEPS was an
+official candidate of the Empire. I secretly conveyed this information
+to a local newspaper. The news burst like a tempest on the public of
+Marseilles, and swept away in its irresistible whirl the candidature
+of M. DE LESSEPS.
+
+This was pretty well for a first newspaper paragraph, worth at the
+time, as I remember thinking, more than the paltry three sous a line
+that became my due. But I had made more than a few sous--I had made an
+enemy! Years after, BISMARCK told me how, chatting with NAPOLEON THE
+THIRD at Donchery, that fallen monarch had recalled this incident, in
+which his prophetic eye justly discerned the beginning of the end. He
+admitted that he had said to the EMPRESS, "France is too small for me
+and VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP. One of us must cross _la Manche_."
+
+Sublime! One of us did.
+
+But my time was not yet. My friends advised, nay, besought me to leave
+Marseilles. Towards the end of this year (1869) I took their advice,
+and retired to a small property I chanced to have in the centre of
+the Landes. This place being dry, and somewhat remote, was peculiarly
+suitable for watching the growth of great problems with a mind
+unbiassed by any knowledge of facts. I saw the Franco-German question
+grow, and I foresaw how it would end. I wrote to THIERS, and told
+him all about it. When the war broke out I mounted my stilts, and
+cautiously made my way across the untrodden track, following my
+Destiny. I had predicted the downfall of the Empire, and, in its last
+gasp, the Empire strove to wither me. Proceedings had been commenced,
+when Sedan put an end to them.
+
+At this epoch France was on her knees, beaten down by the German hand,
+her eyes blind with blood and tears. One thing alone could cheer her.
+I could do it, and I did. I applied for Letters of Naturalisation.
+Some weeks later I became a French citizen, and received a letter from
+M. ADOLPH CREMIEUX, then Minister of Justice, and never suspected
+of being a wag. He wrote: "Your application for Naturalisation in
+the midst of our great disasters, is for me the signal of a new life
+for us. A country which in the midst of such catastrophes recruits
+citizens like you, is not to be despaired of."
+
+Years after, THIERS, then President of the Republic, said, "I
+never will forget that you became a Frenchman in the time of our
+misfortunes." EDMUND ABOUT picturesquely said, "_Il s'est fait
+naturaliser vaincu._" BISMARCK has told me that the Emperor WILLIAM,
+then at Versailles, in the first flush of triumph at touch on his brow
+of the Imperial diadem, hearing of the event through the capturing
+of a balloon despatched with the news to dolorous Paris, passed a
+sleepless night.
+
+"I fear me" he said, "all will now be lost."
+
+"Not at all, your Majesty," said BISMARCK, affecting an indifference
+he assures me he did not feel. "There is not even a Frenchman the
+more. They have lost an Emperor and gained VAN DE BLOWITZOWN TROMP.
+_Ce met egal._"
+
+"Not quite," said the Emperor, with subtle flattery. The Emperor
+WILLIAM, though he had his failings, was a keen judge of the
+comparative value of men.
+
+The limits of this article compel me to glance hastily over succeeding
+epochs in a career with the main drift of which the civilised world
+is already familiar. After saving Marseilles to the Republic, by a
+series of actions alternating between desperate valour and brilliant
+strategy, I went to Paris to report on the great event. Calling on the
+official entrusted with the duty of considering claims to decorations,
+I began at once by saying that my own name must not be taken into
+consideration.
+
+"Let my name," I said, gently but firmly, "be scored out in the
+proposed list of decorations."
+
+"_Mais, Monsieur_" he said, "there is no such list."
+
+I, however, was not to be put off with excuse of that kind. I
+insisted, both to the Secretary of the Minister of War, to M. THIERS,
+that I should not be decorated. I was only too successful. When the
+list came out, all my associates at Marseilles were decorated. I was
+not included. This was all right. It was what I had requested. I could
+say nothing. All the same, I could not help thinking that my advice
+had been too literally accepted.
+
+Every morning, for a week after, I called on M. THIERS. At the end
+of the sixth day he said, "You must go to Riga. I do not quite know
+where it is, but it sounds remote. You shall be Consul at Riga." I was
+delighted. Like the President, I was not sure where Riga was; but the
+salary was certain, and there was fine old Roman flavour about the
+title Consul.
+
+But it was not to be. I was predestined to be a great Newspaper
+Correspondent. How that came about cannot be told in this chapter. I
+will only say that early in my new career I secured the approbation of
+Mr. DELANE, who, I need scarcely say, was the most competent judge the
+world ever saw of the merits of a journalist.
+
+At the risk of being dry and bald, I have confined myself to telling
+accurately what has happened, my greatest ambition being to leave no
+one the chance of misrepresenting, as his whim, fancy, or passion may
+dictate, facts in which I am so deeply interested. Let those note
+them who, after my time, have to defend my memory should it ever be
+attacked.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "The Shinner Quartette;" or, Musical Football.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MORE HONOURED IN THE BREACH THAN THE OBSERVANCE."--Breach of Promise
+cases--as a rule.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GENERAL VIEW OF "PRIVATE INQUIRY."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I am sufficiently old-fashioned, when I go to the play, to wish to
+be amused. I frankly admit I do not care to be taught a lesson, or to
+have my mind harrowed by the presentation of some psychological study.
+I can remember WRIGHT, and even HARLEY, and the days when a good
+piece of fun was the last item of the programme at the Adelphi and
+the Olympic--the chief attraction of the Pittites, who patronised
+"half-price." This being so, I am glad to find at the Strand--a
+theatre recalling memories of JIMMY ROGERS and JOHNNY CLARKE, PATTY
+OLIVER and CHARLOTTE SAUNDERS, to say nothing of a lady who was not
+only Queen of Comedy but Empress of Burlesque--"_Private Inquiry_," a
+thoroughly well acted and rattling farce in three Acts. It is from the
+French, but as the task of adaptation has been entrusted to the Author
+who turned _Bebe_ the Frisky into _Betsy_ the Wholesome, any scruples
+of conscience that the LORD CHAMBERLAIN may possibly have entertained
+on reading the original have been successfully removed, and the play,
+consequently, is not only highly entertaining, but absolutely free
+from offence. I did not see it until it had reached its eighth night,
+and I do not remember a piece, taken as a whole, so excellently acted.
+Although he does not appear until the Second Act, Mr. WILLIE EDOUIN,
+as _'Arry 'Ooker_, the Private Inquiry Agent, is _the_ feature of the
+performance. His politeness to ladies, his assumption of businesslike
+habits, suggested by his reading and spiking of bogus telegrams
+brought to him when he is engaged with a client, his urbanity under
+difficulties, and his cheerful acceptance of the inevitable in
+whatever shape presented, are all admirable points, and points that
+are fully appreciated by the audience. Roars of laughter follow the
+one after the other when _'Arry 'Ooker_ is on the stage. Nothing can
+be more absurd than his make-up, his bows, his grimaces, and yet under
+the surface there is a vein of pathos that causes one to feel a pang
+of genuine regret when the poverty-stricken, light-hearted rogue, who,
+if he cannot secure a hundred guineas, is equally ready to accept a
+"tenner," is marched oft to penal servitude as the Curtain falls. The
+clerk of this entertaining individual, _Toby_, is played by a boy like
+a boy, by Master Buss. Farther, Mr. ALFRED MALTBY could not be better
+as the suspicious and bamboozled husband, _Richard Wrackham_. Again,
+even the small part of _Alexander_, a Waiter, is well played. Once
+more--the ladies, without exception, are capital; and as a result of
+this all-round excellence, the piece "goes," from a quarter to nine
+till just eleven, with a _verve_ that must be most satisfactory to
+all concerned. So I can congratulate the Author upon a piece full of
+lines that tell, and the Manager upon a play that is likely to rival
+in popularity its predecessor, the phenomenally-successful _Our Flat._
+And I can offer these congratulations with a dear conscience, because
+I am neither Author of the piece nor Manager of the theatre, but as
+Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING might observe, QUITE ANOTHER FELLOW.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LARKS!
+
+SIR,--I am surprised that any of your Correspondents should doubt that
+birds eat snow. There is a bull-finch in my aviary, and I tried him.
+He ate it ravenously. Strange to say, he has not uttered a sound
+since! My wife says, "Probably his _pipe_ is frozen." This is such a
+good joke, I think you ought to have it.
+
+Yours, LOVER OF NATURE.
+
+
+SIR,--You may like to have the following story in support of the idea
+that animals are aware that snow is frozen water. It was related to
+me by a rather rackety nephew, who has lived part of his life in South
+America, and whose word can be strictly relied on. He relates that
+once, when he was travelling among the Andes, at an elevation of some
+twenty thousand feet, his mules became very thirsty, and no water was
+obtainable. Each animal seized a _calabash_ with its teeth, filled it
+with snow, and trotted off to the crater of an adjacent volcano; it
+then waited till the lava melted the snow, which it drank up, and
+finally trotted back again. My nephew says he should not have believed
+a mule could be so clever, if he had not seen it.
+
+Yours obediently, SAMUEL SOBERSIDES.
+
+
+SIR,--Since writing you that letter about our bull-finch, I have
+discovered an even more surprising fact, which I am sure no Naturalist
+has yet dreamed of. Not only do birds appreciate snow, but they are
+very fond of _iced beverages_. A tom-tit, who often drinks water from
+a saucer which we put on our window-sill, one day found the water
+frozen. What did the intelligent creature do? Why, it rapped on the
+window-pane with its beak till the window was opened, then hopped on
+to the sideboard, and began trying to peck the cork out of a whiskey
+bottle! I took the hint, and poured some of the spirit into the
+saucer; the bird drank it greedily! My wife's comment on this
+occurrence is really too good to be lost, so I send it you. She said,
+"Evidently the bird was not a _tomtitotaller_!"
+
+Yours, in convulsions, LOVER OF NATURE (_as before_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PINT OF HALF-AND-HALF.
+
+  "'_Qui va la?_' says he."
+  "'_Je_,' replies I, knowing the language."
+              "_Jeames" and another Old Story_.
+
+The international susceptibilities of Sheriff DRURIOLANUS--henceforth
+to bear the Anglo-French title, _Monsieur le Sherif 'Arris de Paris_,
+or _'Arry de Parry_,--appear to have been considerably hurt by a
+statement in the _Debats_ to the effect that the appearance in the
+London streets of men dressed as Gendarmes--"_en gendarmes francais_,"
+writes MOSSOO DRURIOLANE--intended as perambulating advertisements for
+the Waterloo Panorama, was due to a supreme effort of his managerial
+genius. So Sherif DRURIOLANE wrote at once to the London Correspondent
+of the _Figaro_, who bears the singularly French name of JOHNSON,
+denying, in his very best French, that he, M. le Sherif, had had
+anything to do with these walking advertisements, or, indeed, with the
+Panorama Company at all, from which he had retired a year ago. Then he
+adds, like the _preux chevalier_ he is known to be, that had he still
+been on the direction of the aforesaid _Compagnie_, he, at all events,
+would never, never have committed the enormity of even suggesting,
+however vaguely, an idea so calculated to needlessly insult "_les
+susceptibilites francaises_." ("_Hear! hear!_" and "_Tres bien!_"
+from the left.) Then M. le Sherif DRURIOLANE, rising to the occasion,
+finishes with this magnificent flourish on the French horn--"_Je
+suit ne en France_"--(Isn't it very much "to his credit," we ask
+with W.S.G., that, "In spite of all temptations, To belong to other
+nations, He remains an Englishman?" Why, certainly)--"_j'ai vecu parmi
+les Francais, et je suis a moitie enfant de Paris_."
+
+Beautiful! _Magnifique!_ Our DRURIOLANUS is surpassing even the
+G.O.M., who has been born, more or less, everywhere, except in
+Paris. Should the Republic be in danger, or should Monarchists
+or Imperialists get a chance and want a man for the place, let
+them wire to DRURIOLANUS, "_a moitie enfant de Paris_" and the
+"_Enfant_"--"_Enfant_ ARRIS," not "_Enfant_ GATTI"--will be ready, aye
+ready, to assume the purple, and to bring all his properties with him.
+"_A moitie_"--and the other half? That will ever remain British. So _a
+la sante de Monsieur le Sherif-enfant-de-Londres-et-Paris_, in a pint
+of Half-and-half, and let it, like Le Sherif himself, have a good head
+on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROLLING OF THE R'S.
+
+    "We are told that the omission to roll it (the letter _r_) is as
+    flagrant a misdemeanor as the dropping of the _h_."--_James Payn
+    in the Illustrated News_.
+
+AIR--"_THE WEARING OF THE GREEN_."
+
+_SOFT-SPOKEN PERSON SINGS:--_
+
+  It's vewy wong, widiculous, and howwid, I've no doubt,
+    To leave that little letter _r_ unuttahed or unwolled;
+  But if you _haven't_ any _r_'s you've got to do without,
+    And I can no maw woll _my r_'s than dwink my clawet cold.
+  A Dowie wuggedness of speech I weally _can't_ attain,
+    And though gwammawians may wave in leadewetts and pars,
+  I quite agwee with good JAMES PAYN that all their wow is vain,
+    The angwy wout must do without "the wolling of the _r_'s!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAGIOLOGICAL AND HISTORICAL NOTE.--Dr. HAROLD BROWNE, "the retiring
+Bishop" of Winchester, as he is called, on account of his innate
+modesty, wrote to the people of Farnham to say that, "never was there
+a Bishop since the time of his earliest predecessor in the See, St.
+Swithin, more literally 'at home' at Farnham Castle than himself."
+To this fact Dr. H.B. is, perhaps, unaware that the Saint in question
+owed his name, as when any visitor called to ask if he were at home,
+the Hall-porter of the period invariably answered, "Yes, Saint's
+within." Dr. HAROLD BROWNE is welcome to this information, which ought
+to have been in _Notes and Queries_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is said that the invitations for the Drury Lane celebration of
+Twelfth Night will not be sent out with so free a hand next year, the
+young men on the recent occasion having been so Baddeley behaved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100., Jan. 24, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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