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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:52 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:52 -0700 |
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diff --git a/12866-h/12866-h.htm b/12866-h/12866-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..408682c --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/12866-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2216 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, January 17, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12866 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 17, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" + id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/25-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25-1.png" + alt="<h3>OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION.</h3>DRAWING A BADGER." /> + </a> + + <h3>OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION.</h3>DRAWING A BADGER. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD'S.</h3> + + <h4><i>Before the effigy of</i> Dr. KOCH, <i>who is represented + in the act of examining a test-tube with the expression of + bland blamelessness peculiar to Wax Models.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Well-informed Visitor</i>. That's Dr. KOCH, making his + great discovery!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/25-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Unscientific V.</i> What did <i>he</i> discover?</p> + + <p><i>Well-inf. V.</i> Why, the Consumption Bacillus. He's got + it in that bottle he's holding up.</p> + + <p><i>Unsc. V.</i> And what's the good of it, now he <i>has</i> + discovered it?</p> + + <p><i>Well-inf. V.</i> Good? Why, it's the thing that causes + <i>consumption</i>, you know!</p> + + <p><i>Unsc. V.</i> Then it's a pity he didn't leave it + alone!</p> + + <h4><i>Before a Scene representing "The Home Life At + Sandringham."</i></h4> + + <p><i>First Old Lady</i> (<i>with Catalogue</i>). It says here + that "the note the page is handing <i>may</i> have come from + Sir DIGHTON PROBYN, the Comptroller of the Royal Household" + Fancy <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Second Old Lady</i>. He's brought it in in his fingers. + Now <i>that</i>'s a thing I never allow in <i>my</i> house. I + always tell SARAH to bring all letters, and even circulars, in + on a tray!</p> + + <h4><i>Before a Scene representing the late</i> FRED ARCHER, + <i>mounted, on Ascot Race-course.</i></h4> + + <p><i>A. Sportsman</i>. H'm—ARCHER, eh? Shouldn't have + backed his mount in <i>that</i> race!</p> + + <h4><i>Before "The Library at Hawarden."</i></h4> + + <p><i>Gladstonian Enthusiast</i> (<i>to</i> Friend, <i>who, + with the perverse ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been + endeavouring to identify the</i> Rev. JOHN WESLEY <i>among the + Cabinet in Downing Street</i>). Oh, never mind all that lot, + BETSY; they're only the <i>Gover'ment</i>! Here's dear Mr. and + Mrs. GLADSTONE in this next! See, he's lookin' for something in + a drawer of his side-board—ain't that <i>natural</i>? And + only look—a lot of people have been leaving Christmas + cards on him (<i>a pretty and touching tribute of affection, + which is eminently characteristic of a warm-hearted + Public</i>). I wish I'd thought o' bringing one with me!</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i>. So do I. We might send one 'ere by + post—but it'll have to be a New Year Card now!</p> + + <p><i>A Strict Old Lady</i> (<i>before next group</i>). Who are + these two? "Mr. 'ENERY IRVING, and Miss ELLEN TERRY in + <i>Faust</i>," eh? No—I don't care to stop to see + them—that's play-actin', that is—and I don't 'old + with it nohow! What are these two parties supposed to be doin' + of over here? What—Cardinal NEWMAN and Cardinal MANNING + at the High Altar at the Oratory, Brompton! Come along, and + don't encourage Popery by looking at such figures. I <i>did</i> + 'ear as they'd got Mrs. PEARCEY and the prambilator somewheres. + I <i>should</i> like to see that, now.</p> + + <h3>IN THE CHILDREN'S GALLERY.</h3> + + <p><i>An Aunt</i> (<i>who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine + of useful information</i>). Look, BOBBY, dear (<i>reading</i>). + "Here we have CONSTANTINE'S Cat, as seen in the '<i>Nights of + Straparola</i>,' an Italian romancist, whose book was + translated into French in the year 1585—"</p> + + <p><i>Bobby</i> (<i>disappointed</i>). Oh, then it <i>isn't</i> + Puss in Boots!</p> + + <p><i>A Genial Grandfather</i> (<i>pausing before "Crusoe and + Friday"</i>). Well, PERCY, my boy, you know who <i>that</i> is, + at all events—eh?</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. I suppose it is STANLEY—but it's not + very like.</p> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> STANLEY!—Why, bless my soul, never + heard of <i>Robinson Crusoe</i> and his man <i>Friday</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Oh, I've <i>heard</i> of them, of + course—they come in Pantomimes—but I like more + grown-up sort of books myself, you know. Is this girl asleep + <i>She</i>?</p> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> No—at least—well, I expect it's + "<i>The Sleeping Beauty</i>." You remember her, of + course—all about the ball, and the glass slipper, and her + father picking a rose when the hedge grew round the palace, + eh?</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Ah, you see, Grandfather, you had more time + for general reading than we get. (<i>He looks through a + practicable cottage window.</i>) Hallo, a Dog and a Cat. Not + badly stuffed!</p> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> Why that must be "<i>Old Mother + Hubbard</i>." (<i>Quoting from memory.</i>) "Old Mother Hubbard + sat in a cupboard, eating a Christmas pie—or a + <i>bone</i> was it?"</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Don't know. It's not in <i>Selections from + British Poetry</i>, which we have to get up for "rep."</p> + + <p><i>The Aunt</i> (<i>reading from Catalogue</i>). "The absurd + ambulations of this antique person, and the equally absurd + antics of her dog, need no recapitulation." Here's "<i>Jack the + Giant Killer</i>" next. Listen, BOBBY, to what it says about + him here. (<i>Reads.</i>) "It is clearly the last transmutation + of the old British legend told by GEOFFREY of Monmouth, of + CORINEUS the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan BRUTUS, when + he first settled in Britain. But more than this"—I hope + you're listening, BOBBY?—"<i>more</i> than this, it is + quite evident, even to the superficial student of Greek + mythology, that many of the main incidents and ornaments are + borrowed from the tales of HESIOD and HOMER." Think of that, + now!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[BOBBY <i>thinks of it, with depression.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> (<i>before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling + new lamps for old</i>). Here you are, you see! "<i>Ali + Baba</i>," got 'em all here, you see. Never read your + "<i>Arabian Nights</i>," either! Is that the way they bring up + boys nowadays!</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a + fellow reads that kind of thing when he's <i>young</i>, he + doesn't get a chance afterwards.</p> + + <p><i>The Aunt</i> (<i>still quoting</i>). "In the famous + work," BOBBY, "by which we know MASÛDI, he mentions the Persian + Hezar Afsane-um-um-um,—nor have commentators failed to + notice that the occasion of the book written for the Princess + HOMAI resembles the story told in the Hebrew Bible about + ESTHER, her mother or grandmother, by some Persian Jew two or + three centuries B.C." Well, I never knew <i>that</i> before!... + This is "<i>Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea</i>"—let's + see what they say about <i>him</i>. (<i>Reads.</i>) "Both the + story of <i>Sindbad</i> and the old Basque legend of Tartaro + are undoubtedly borrowed from the <i>Odyssey</i> of HOMER, + whose <i>Iliad</i> and <i>Odyssey</i> were translated into + Syriac in the reign of HARUN-UR-RASHID." Dear, dear, how + interesting, now! and, BOBBY, what <i>do</i> you think someone + says about "<i>Jack and the Beanstalk</i>"? He says—"this + tale is an allegory of the Teutonic Al-fader, the red hen + representing the all-producing sun: the moneybags, the + fertilising rain; and the harp, the winds." Well, I'm sure it + seems likely enough, doesn't it?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[BOBBY <i>suppresses a yawn</i>; PERCY's <i>feelings are + outraged by receiving a tin trumpet from the Lucky Tub; + general move to the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>Before the Hampstead Tableaux.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Spectators</i>. Dear, dear, there's the <i>dresser</i>, + you see, and the window, broken and all; it's wonderful how + they can <i>do</i> it! And there's poor Mrs. 'OGG—it's + real butter and a real loaf she's cutting, and the poor baby, + too!... Here's the actual casts taken after they were murdered. + Oh, and there's Mrs. PEARCEY wheeling the + perambulator—it's the <i>very</i> perambulator! No, not + the very one—they've got <i>that</i> at the other place, + and the piece of toffee the baby sucked. Have they really! Oh, + we <i>must</i> try and go there, too, before the children's + holidays are over. And this is all? Well, well, everything very + nice, I <i>will</i> say. But a pity they couldn't get the + <i>real</i> perambulator!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" + id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>BURNS VERSUS BURNS.</h2> + + <h3>A SONG OF THE GREAT SCOTCH STRIKE. TUNE—"<i>Push + about the + Jorum!</i>"</h3><a href="images/26.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/26.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, let us not like snarling tykes,</p> + + <p class="i2">In wrangling be divided;</p> + + <p>Till slap comes in an uncoo loon</p> + + <p class="i2">And with a rung decide it.</p> + + <p>Be Britain still to Britain true,</p> + + <p class="i2">Among oursels united;</p> + + <p>For never but by British hands</p> + + <p class="i2">Maun British wrongs be righted!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">ROBERT BURNS's "<i>Dumfries + Volunteers</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Shade of</i> BURNS, <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O, rantin' roarin' JOHNNY BURNS,</p> + + <p class="i2">My namesake—in a fashion,</p> + + <p>You do my Scots the warst o' turns</p> + + <p class="i2">Sae stirrin' up their passion.</p> + + <p>Whence come ye, JOHNNY? Frae the Docks?</p> + + <p class="i2">Or frae the County Council?</p> + + <p>Sure Scots can do their ain hard knocks;</p> + + <p class="i2">We take your brag and bounce ill!</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Does Cockneydom invasion threat?</p> + + <p class="i2">Then let the louns beware, Sir!</p> + + <p>Scotland, they'll find, is Scotland yet,</p> + + <p class="i2">And for hersel' can fare, Sir.</p> + + <p>The Thames shall run to join the Tweed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Criffel adorn Thames valley,</p> + + <p>'Ere wanton wrath and vulgar greed</p> + + <p class="i2">On Scottish ground shall rally.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A man's a man for a' that, JOHN,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ane's as good as tither;</p> + + <p>But that ship's crew is fated, JOHN,</p> + + <p class="i2">That mutinies in bad weather.</p> + + <p>Nae flouts to "honest industry"</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall fa' frae the + Exciseman;</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" + id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <p>But ane who blaws up strife like this,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wisdom deems not a wise man.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scot business may be out o' tune,</p> + + <p class="i2">True harmony may fail in't,</p> + + <p>But deil a cockney tinkler loon</p> + + <p class="i2">We need to rant and rail in't.</p> + + <p>Our fathers on occasion fought,</p> + + <p class="i2">And so can we, if needed;</p> + + <p>But windy words with frenzy fraught</p> + + <p class="i2">Sound Scots should pass unheeded.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Let toilers not, like snarling tykes,</p> + + <p class="i2">In wrangling be divided,</p> + + <p>Till foreign Trade, which marks our Strikes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Steps in, and we're derided.</p> + + <p>Be Scotland still to Scotland true,</p> + + <p class="i2">Amang oursels united;</p> + + <p>'Tis not by firebrands, JOHN, like you</p> + + <p class="i2">Our wrangs shall best be righted.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The knave who'd crush the toilers doun,</p> + + <p class="i2">And him, his true-born brither,</p> + + <p>Who'd set the mob aboon the Crown,</p> + + <p class="i2">Should be kicked out together.</p> + + <p>Go, JOHN! Learn temperance, banish spleen!</p> + + <p class="i2">Scots cherish throne and steeple,</p> + + <p>But while we sing "<i>God save the + Queen</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> won't forget the + People.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A LENGTHY NOVEL.—<i>A Thousand Lines of Her Own</i>, + in 3000 vols., by the Authoress of <i>A Line of Her Own</i>, in + 3 vols. N.B.—What a long line this must be to occupy + three vols.! A work of and for a lifetime.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:75%;"> + <a href="images/27.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/27.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID." /></a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.</h3> + + <p><i>Small Stranger</i> (<i>to Master of the house</i>). + "OW MY! THE GENTLEMAN AS OPENS THE DOOR <i>WILL</i> GIVE IT + YER, IF YER RING <i>THAT</i> BELL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC GOSSIP.</h2> + + <p>During the preparation of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN's new Opera, + <i>Ivanhoe</i>, a grave objection to the subject occurred to + him, which was, that one of the chief personages in the + <i>dramatis personæ</i> must be "Gilbert"—<i>i.e.</i>, + <i>Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert</i>. True, that <i>Sir Brian</i> + is the villain of the piece, but this, to Sir ARTHUR's generous + disposition, only made matters worse. It was evident that he + couldn't change the character's name to <i>Sir Brian de + Bois-Sullivan</i>, and Mr. D'OYLEY CARTE refused to allow his + name to appear in the bill except as Lessee. "I can't put him + in simply as <i>Sir Brian</i>," said the puzzled Composer, + "unless I make him an Irishman, and I don't think my librettist + will consent to take this liberty with SCOTT's novel." "But the + name in the Opera isn't pronounced the same as W.S.G.'s," + objected D'OYLEY. "It will be outside the Opera by ninety out + of a hundred," answered Sir ARTHUR. "But," continued D'OYLEY, + persistently, "it isn't spelt the same." "No," replied Sir + ARTHUR, "that's the worst of it; there's 'u' and 'i' in it; + we're both mixed up with this <i>Guilbert</i>." Fortunately, + the Composer and the Author made up their quarrel, and as a + memento of the happy termination to the temporary + misunderstanding, Sir ARTHUR, in a truly generous mood, + designed to call the character "<i>Sir Brian de + Bois-Gilbert-and-Sullivan</i>." Whether the mysterious + librettist, whose name has only lately been breathed in the + public ear, insisted on SCOTT's original name being retained or + not, it is now pretty certain that there will be no departure + from the great novelist's original nomenclature.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A BREACH OF VERACITY.—According to the papers, the + Chief Secretary's Lodge in Dublin is blocked with parcels of + clothing designed for the poor in the West of Ireland, sent in + response to the request of Lord ZETLAND and Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR. + We understand there is no truth in the report, that amongst the + first arrivals was a parcel containing Mr. O'BRIEN's + br—s, with a note explaining, that as he was about to go + to prison again, he had no further use for the article.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW IRISH DRINK.—The Parnellite "Split."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A REMINISCENCE OF C.K.</h2> + + <p>The excellent article in the <i>Times</i> on the 6th inst. + upon CHARLES KEENE was worthy of its subject. The writer in the + <i>P.M.G.</i> of a day earlier performed his self-imposed task + with a judicious and loving hand, and, as far as I can judge, + his account of our lamented colleague seems to be correct. As + to our CARLO's Mastership in his Black-and-White Art, there can + be but one opinion among Artists. Those who possess the whole + of the <i>Once a Week</i> series will there find admirable + specimens of CHARLES KEENE in a more serious vein. His most + striking effects were made as if by sudden inspiration. I + remember a story which exactly illustrates my meaning. An + artistic friend was in KEENE's studio, while CARLO was at work, + pipe in mouth, of course. "I can't understand," said his + friend, "how you produce that effect of distance in so small a + picture." "O—um—easy enough," replied KEENE. "Look + here,"—and—<i>he did it</i>. But when and how he + gave <i>the</i> touch which made the effect, his friend, + following his work closely, was unable to discover. F.C.B.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.—There is always something fresh + coming out at Messrs. DOWDESWELL's Articultural Garden in Bond + Street. Their latest novelty is the result of a caravan tour + from Dieppe to Nice ("Dieppend upon it, he found it very nice!" + said Young PAR, regardless of propriety and pronunciation) by + Mr. C.P. SAINTON. CHARLES COLLINS utilised such an expedition + from a literary point of view in his inimitable "<i>Cruise upon + Wheels</i>," and this young artist has turned similar + wanderings to good artistic account. His <i>cartes de + visite</i>—no, I beg pardon, his <i>caravans de + visite</i>—are numerous and varied. Verily, my brethren, + all is caravanity! Not altogether, for Mr. SAINTON, in addition + to returning with his caravan and himself, has brought back an + interesting collection of original and delicate works in oil + and silver-point—in short, taken every caravantage of his + special opportunities. Yours parlously, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"MAY IT PLEASE YOUR 'WARSHIPS.'"—Twenty-three American + ships, 118 guns, and 3,000 men; six British ships, 52 guns, + 1,229 men; and seven German ships, 42 guns, and 1,500 + men—all in "Pacific" waters! Looks like Pacific, doesn't + it?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" + id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XI.—THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE.</h3> + + <h4><i>By</i> READER FAGHARD, <i>Author of "Queen Bathsheba's + Ewers," "Yawn," "Guess," "Me," "My Ma's at Penge," "Smallun + Halfboy," "General Porridge, D.T.," "Me a Kiss," "The + Hemisphere's Wish</i>," &c., &c.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>[In a long communication which accompanied the MS. of + this novel, the Author gives a description of his literary + method. We have only room for a few extracts. "I have been + accused of plagiarism. I reply that the accusation is + ridiculous. Nature is the great plagiarist, the sucker of + the brains of authors. There is no situation, however + romantic or grotesque, which Nature does not sooner or + later appropriate. Therefore the more natural an author is, + the more liable is he to envious accusations of + plagiarism.... Humour may often be detected in an absence + of leg-coverings. A naval officer is an essentially + humorous object.... As to literary style, it can be varied + at pleasure, but the romantic Egyptian and the plain South + African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, + '<i>Ars Langa Rider brevis</i>,' and a very good motto too. + I like writing in couples. Personally I could never have + bothered myself to learn up all these quaint myths and + literary fairy tales, but LANG likes it."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/28.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/28.png" + alt="Then a strange thing happened." /></a>"Then a + strange thing happened." + </div> + + <p>My name is SMALLUN HALFBOY, a curious name for an old fellow + like me, who have been battered and knocked about all over the + world from Yorkshire to South Africa. I'm not much of a hand at + writing, but, bless your heart, I know the <i>Bab Ballads</i> + by heart, and I can tell you it's no end of a joke quoting them + everywhere, especially when you quote out of an entirely + different book. I am not a brave man, but nobody ever was a + surer shot with an Express longbow, and no one ever killed more + Africans, men and elephants, than I have in my time. But I do + love blood. I love it in regular rivers all over the place, + with gashes and slashes and lopped heads and arms and legs + rolling about everywhere. Black blood is the best variety; I + mean the blood of black men, because nobody really cares + twopence about them, and you can massacre several thousands of + them in half-a-dozen lines and offend no single soul. And, + after all, I am not certain that black men have any souls, so + that makes things safe all round, as someone says in the <i>Bab + Ballads</i>.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>I was staying with my old friend Sir HENRY HURTUS last + winter at his ancestral home in Yorkshire. We had been shooting + all day with indifferent results, and were returning home + fagged and weary with our rifles over our shoulders. I ought to + have mentioned that COODENT—of course, you remember + Captain COODENT, R.N.—was of the party. Ever since he had + found his legs so much admired by an appreciative public, he + had worn a kilt without stockings, in order to show them. This, + however, was not done from vanity, I think, but rather from a + high sense of duty, for he felt that those who happened to be + born with personal advantages ought not to be deterred by any + sense of false modesty from gratifying the reading public by + their display. Lord, how we had laughed to see him struggling + through the clinging brambles in Sir HENRY's coverts with his + eye-glass in his eye and his Express at the trail. At every + step his unfortunate legs had been more and more torn, until + there was literally not a scrap of sound skin upon them + anywhere. Even the beaters, a stolid lot, had roared when old + VELVETEENS the second keeper had brought up to poor COODENT a + lump of flesh from his right leg, which he had found sticking + on a thorn-bush in the centre of the high covert. Suddenly Sir + HENRY stopped and shaded his eyes with his hand anxiously. We + all imitated him, though for my part, not being a sportsman, I + had no notion what was up. "What's the time of day, Sir HENRY?" + I ventured to whisper. Sir HENRY never looked at me, but took + out his massive gold Winchester repeater and consulted it in a + low voice. "Four thirty," I heard him say, "they are about + due." Suddenly there was a whirring noise in the distance. + "Duck, duck!" shouted Sir HENRY, now thoroughly aroused. I + immediately did so, ducked right down in fact, for I did not + know what might be coming, and I am a very timid man. At that + moment I heard a joint report from Sir HENRY and COODENT. It + gave on the whole a very favourable view of the situation, and + by its light I saw six fine mallard, four teal and three + widgeon come hurtling down, as dead as so many door-nails, and + much heavier on the top of my prostrate body.</p> + + <p>When I recovered Sir HENRY was bending over me and pouring + brandy down my throat. COODENT was sitting on the ground + binding up his legs. "My dear old friend," said Sir HENRY, in + his kindest tone, "this Yorkshire is too dangerous. My mind is + made up. This very night we all start for Mariannakookaland. + There at least our lives will be safe."</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>We were in Mariannakookaland. We had been there a month + travelling on, ever on, over the parching wastes, under the + scorching African sun which all but burnt us in our + <i>treks</i>. Our <i>Veldt</i> slippers were worn out, and our + pace was consequently reduced to the merest <i>Kraal</i>. At + rare intervals during our adventurous march, we had seen Stars + and heard of Echoes, but now not a single <i>Kopje</i> was + left, and we were trudging along mournfully with our blistered + <i>tongas</i> protruding from our mouths.</p> + + <p>Suddenly Sir HENRY spoke—"SMALLUN, my old friend," he + said, "do you see anything in the distance?"</p> + + <p>I looked intently in the direction indicated, but could see + nothing but the horizon. "Look again," said Sir HENRY. I swept + the distance with my glance. It was a sandy, arid distance, + and, naturally enough, a small cloud of dust appeared. Then a + strange thing happened. The cloud grew and grew. It came + rolling towards us with an unearthly noise. Then it seemed to + be cleft in two, as by lightning, and from its centre came + marching towards us a mighty army of Amazonian warriors, in + battle-array, chanting the war-song of the Mariannakookas. I + must confess that my first instinct was to fly, my second to + run, my third, and best, to remain rooted to the spot. When the + army came within ten yards of us, it stopped, as if by magic, + and a stout Amazon, of forbidding aspect, who seemed to be the + Commander-in-Chief, advanced to the front. On her head she wore + an immense native jelibag, tricked out with feathers; her + breast was encased in a huge silver <i>tureene</i>. Her waist + was encircled with a broad girdle, in which were stuck all + manner of deadly arms, <i>stuhpans, sorspans, spîhts</i>, and + <i>deeshecloutz</i>. In her left hand she carried a + deadly-looking <i>kaster</i>, while in her right she brandished + a massive <i>rolinpin</i>, a frightful weapon, which produces + internal wounds of the most awful kind. Her regiments were + similarly armed, save that, in their case, the breast-covering + was made of inferior metal, and they wore no feathers in their + head-dress. The Commander held up her hand. Instantly the + war-song ceased. Then the Commander addressed us, and her voice + sounded like the song of them that address the + <i>butchaboys</i> in the morning. And this was the + <i>torque</i> she hurled at us,—</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>"Oh, wanderers from a far country, I am + She-who-will-never-Obey, the Queen of the Mariannakookas. I + rule above, and in nether regions, where there is Eternal Fire. + Behold my Word goes forth, and the Ovens are made hot, and the + <i>Kee-chen-boi-lars</i> are filled with Water. Over me no + Mistress holds sway. All whom I meet I keep in subjection, save + only the <i>Weeklibuks</i>; them I keep not down, for they + delight me. And the land over which I reign is made glad with + fat and much stored up <i>Dripn</i>. Who are ye, and what seek + ye here? Speak ere it be too late!" And as she ceased the whole + army broke forth into a chorus, "She-who-will-never-Obey has + spoken! The Word is gone forth! Speak, speak!" I confess I was + alarmed, and my fears were not diminished when two of the + <i>Skulrimehds</i> (a sort of native camp-follower) came up to + COODENT and me, and actually began to make love to us in the + most forward manner. But Sir HENRY maintained his calm + demeanour. "She-who-will-never-Obey," he said, "we are peaceful + traders. We bring no Commission—" how his sentence would + have ended will never be known. Certain it is that what he said + roused the Amazons to a frenzy of passion. They yelled and + danced round us. "He who <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> brings no Commission must + die!" they shouted; and in a moment we found ourselves bound + tightly hand-and-foot, and marching as prisoners of war in + the centre of the Mariannakookaland army.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4> + + <p>It is unnecessary to go through the details of our + marvellous escape from the lowest dungeon of the royal Palace + of SURVAN TSAUL, where for months we were immured on a constant + diet of suet pudding. Of course we did escape, but only after + killing ten thousand Mariannakookas, and then swimming for a + mile in their blood. COODENT brought with him a very pretty + <i>Skulrimehd</i> who had grown attached to him, but she + drooped and pined away after he lost his false teeth in + crossing a river, and tried to replace them with orange-peel, a + trick he had learnt at school. Sir HENRY's fight with + She-who-will-never-Obey is still remembered. He will carry the + marks of her nails on his cheeks to his grave. I myself am + tired of wandering. "<i>Home, Sweet Home</i>," as the <i>Bab + Ballads</i> have it, is the place for me.</p> + + <center> + THE END. + </center> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN UNREHEARSED EFFECT.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Own Reciter.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/29-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I went to see the Pantomime this Christmas in our + town.</p> + + <p>We laughed enough the opening night to bring the + theatre down.</p> + + <p>The piece was <i>Burleybumbo</i>, <i>the Old Giant, + and his Men</i>;</p> + + <p><i>Fairy Starlight, Little Popsey, and the Demon of + the Glen</i>.</p> + + <p>The Supers were collected from the local talent + round,</p> + + <p>And for <i>Burleybumbo's</i> servant the Blacksmith, + JOHN, they found;</p> + + <p>A stalwart varlet was required to carry off his + foes</p> + + <p>To Burleybumbo Castle, where he ate them as he + chose.</p> + + <p>His minions, who wore hideous masks, had nothing + much to say,</p> + + <p>So an IRVING was not wanted to do their part of the + play.</p> + + <p>On this eventful night the house was packed from + roof to pit,</p> + + <p>And the Manager was jubilant at having made a + hit.</p> + + <p>The Curtain drawing slowly up, revealed a flowery + glade,</p> + + <p>In which the <i>Fairy Starlight</i> and her lovely + maidens played.</p> + + <p>The wicked Demon then came on, and round the stage + did glower;</p> + + <p>No mortal man could e'er withstand his wrath or evil + power.</p> + + <p>Last of all came <i>Burleybumbo</i> with his crew, a + motley horde,</p> + + <p>Our old friend, Blacksmith JOHN, was in attendance + on his lord.</p> + + <p>They were singing and carousing, when a man rushed + in to say</p> + + <p>That a dozen wealthy travellers were coming down + that way.</p> + + <p>The band dispersed, and hid themselves, in hopes + that they might plunder</p> + + <p>The unsuspecting wayfarers. Alas! now came the + blunder:</p> + + <p>Old JOHN he wouldn't hide himself, but coolly walked + about</p> + + <p>Advancing to the footlights, he looked + around—but hark! a shout:—</p> + + <p>"Confound you! Dash my—! Just come off! Hi, + you! Who are you? JOHN!"</p> + + <p>"Not if I knowsh it, jolly old pal! I've only just + come on!"</p> + + <p>Thus saying, he lumbered round the stage. The + Prompter's heart had sunk:</p> + + <p>No doubt about the matter—<i>Burleybumbo's</i> + man is drunk!</p> + + <p>"Come off! Come off!" from every wing was now the + angry cry.</p> + + <p>"Me off, indeed! Oh, would yer? Sh'like to see the + feller try!"</p> + + <p><i>Burleybumbo</i> then appeared, and vainly tried + to drag him back.</p> + + <p>JOHN stove his pasteboard head in with a most + refreshing crack.</p> + + <p>The wicked Demon now rushed on; his supernatural + might</p> + + <p>Was very little use to him on this surprising + night.</p> + + <p>He tried to push him down the glade, but here again + JOHN sold him;</p> + + <p>He caught the Demon round the waist, and at the + Prompter bowled him.</p> + + <p>Ah! such a shindy ne'er was seen, such riot and such + rage—</p> + + <p>It was the finest "rally" ever seen on any + stage!</p> + + <p>'Mid shrieks and cat-calls, whistles shrill, + hysterics and guffaws,</p> + + <p>They rang the Curtain down amidst uproarious + applause.</p> + + <p>The piece is still a great success; but, I regret to + say,</p> + + <p>JOHN's name appears no longer in the bills of that + fine play!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NOT INSIDE OUT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fair Maiden, you're looking a vision of beauty,</p> + + <p>You may comfort yourself you've no rival to + fear;</p> + + <p>But you won't take it ill if I feel it my duty</p> + + <p>To whisper a word of advice in your ear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now, the word would be this—when the daylight + is dawning,</p> + + <p>Or, at any rate, when it's more early than late,</p> + + <p>Pray remember the coachman, who, fitfully + yawning</p> + + <p>Outside in the street, finds it weary to wait.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You reck not at all of the hours that are + fleeting,</p> + + <p>You ask for an "extra"—you can't be + denied.</p> + + <p>But though, doubtless, soft nothings may set your + heart beating,</p> + + <p>Yet they're awfully cold for the people outside.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Want of thought, not of heart, is the reason as + ever,</p> + + <p>So if you find leisure to read through this + rhyme,</p> + + <p>When you order your carriage, in future + endeavour</p> + + <p>To prevent any waiting—by being in time,</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>The Publisher of <i>The Century Illustrated Monthly + Magazine</i>, earnestly requests the reviewer, appealing to his + heart in the reddest of red ink, on a slip of paper pasted on + to the cover of the Magazine, not to extract and quote more + than one column of "Talleyrand's Memoirs," which appear in this + number for January. The Publisher of the <i>C.I.M.M.</i> does + not appeal personally to the Baron—who is now the last, + bar one, of the Barons, and that bar one is one at the + Bar,—but, for all that, the Baron hereby and hereon takes + his solummest Half-a-Davey or his entire Davey, that he will + not write, engrave, or represent, or cause to be, &c, for + purposes of quotation, one single word, much less line, of + <i>Tallyho</i>—beg pardon, of + <i>Talleyrand</i>,—extracts from whose memoirs are now + appearing in the aforesaid <i>C.I.M.M.</i> But all he will say + at present is this, that, if the secret and private Memoirs + haven't got in them anything more thrilling or startling, or + out of the merest common-place, than appears in this number of + the <i>C.I.M.M.</i>, then the Baron will say that he would + prefer reading such contributions as M. de BLOWITZ's story of + "How he became a Special," or <i>The Pigmies of the African + Forest</i> by HENRY M. STANLEY in the same number of this + Mag.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/29-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>What the Baron dearly loves is, ELLIOT STOCK-IN-TRADE <i>The + Book-worm</i>, always most interesting to Book-worms, and + almost as interesting to Book-grubs or Book-butterflies. By the + way, the publishing office of <i>The Book-worm</i> ought to be + in Grub Street. For what sort of fish is <i>The Book-worm</i> + an attractive bait? I suppose there are queer fish in the Old + Book trade that can take in any number of Book-worms, as is + shown from a modern instance, well and wisely commented upon in + this very number for January, No. 38, which is excellent food + for worms; the whole series, indeed, must be a very Diet of + Worms. Success to the <i>Book-worm</i>! May it grow to double + the size, and be a glow-worm, to enlighten us in the bye-paths + of literature. "<i>Prosit!</i>" says the Baron.</p> + + <p>I would that some one would write of BROWNING's work as + HENRY VAN DYKE has written of TENNYSON's. To the superficial + and cursory reader of the Laureate, the Baron, sitting by the + fire on a winter's night, the wind howling over the sea, and + the snow drifting against the window, and being chucked in + handfuls down the chimney, and frizzling on the fire, says, get + this book, published by ELKIN MATHEWS: <i>ça donne à + penser</i>, and this is its great merit. "Come into the Garden, + Maud"—no, thank you, not to-night; but give me my + shepherd's pipe, with the fragrant bird's-eye in it, with + [Greek: ton grogon], while I sit by the cheerful fire, in the + best of good company—my books.</p> + + <p>Our Mr. GRIFFITHES (CHESTER, MAYHEW, BROOME, AND GRIFFITHES) + has been all the way <i>From Bedford Row to Swazieland</i>, and + has written a lively narrative of his perilous journey. He went + on a professional retainer. You don't catch Bedford Row in + Swazieland on other terms. Being there, he kept his eyes open, + saw a good deal, and describes his impressions in racy fashion. + He did not like the coffee served <i>en route</i>, and was + disappointed with the Southern Cross; but on the whole enjoyed + the trip. One would naturally expect that the price of his book + would be six-and-eight-pence, or, regarding it in the form of a + letter, three-and-fourpence, but BRADBURY, AGNEW, & Co. + issue it at a shilling.</p> + + <p>THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" + id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/30.png" + alt="WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH." /></a> + + <h3>WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.</h3> + + <p><i>Our Artist</i>. "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PORTRAITS, + MISS BUNNY? THE SITTERS ARE ALL OLD FRIENDS OF YOURS, I + BELIEVE?"</p> + + <p><i>Miss Bunny</i> (<i>triumphantly</i>). "YES; AND, ONLY + THINK, I'VE ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GUESS THEM ALL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ARBITRATION.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Seal, suddenly emerging, loquitur</i>:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Belay, you two lubbers, avast there! avast + there!</p> + + <p class="i2">What signifies squalling and + squabbling?</p> + + <p>You're both argufying a good bit too fast there,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whilst that which you stand on seems + wobbling.</p> + + <p>You'll be in a mess, Messmates, shortly, the pair of + you.</p> + + <p class="i2">Give <i>me</i> a thought in the + matter!</p> + + <p><i>My</i> interest's at stake, and it isn't quite + fair of you</p> + + <p class="i2">Me to ignore 'midst your clatter.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If 'twere not for me, Mates, this cold Behring's + Sea, Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">Would hardly strike you as so + tempting.</p> + + <p>Do grant your poor prey, if I may make so free, + Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">From slaughter some annual exempting!</p> + + <p>I'm worried and walloped without intermission</p> + + <p class="i2">Until even family duties</p> + + <p>Quite fail, whilst your countrymen cudgel and fish + on.</p> + + <p class="i2">By Jingo, some of 'em are beauties!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My poor wife and children have not half a chance, + Mates.</p> + + <p class="i2">That's not to your interest, I + reckon.</p> + + <p>Cease shindy, and on a new course make advance, + Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where sense and humanity beckon.</p> + + <p>There's not much of either in cruelly clubbing</p> + + <p class="i2">My progeny all out of season;</p> + + <p>And if you are bent upon mutual drubbing,</p> + + <p class="i2">You must quite have parted with + reason.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Mare clausum</i>, be blowed! That's all BLAINE's + big bow-wow, Mates.</p> + + <p class="i2">Men can't thus monopolise oceans.</p> + + <p>Diplomacy <i>must</i> find a compromise now, + Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, well—I have told you <i>my</i> + notions.</p> + + <p>Give me a close-time,—I shall be very + grateful—</p> + + <p class="i2">And leave the Sea open! What more, + Mates?</p> + + <p>For brothers like you to be huffing, is hateful.</p> + + <p class="i2">Be friends, think of me, + and—<i>bong swor</i>, Mates!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Dives under.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>UP-TO-TIME TABLE, FROM THE NORTH.</h2> + + <table summary="Timetable" + align="center" + border="1"> + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="center">Morning<br /> + Fast.</td> + + <td align="center">Mineral<br /> + and Parl.</td> + + <td align="center">General<br /> + Express.</td> + + <td align="center">Traffic and<br /> + Even. Mail.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Edinburgh<br /> + (Waverley Station)</td> + + <td align="center">7 A.M. to<br /> + 9.30</td> + + <td align="center">11 A.M. A</td> + + <td align="center">Noon F</td> + + <td align="center">9 P.M. L</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Carlisle</td> + + <td align="center">12.15</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Hawick</td> + + <td align="center">4.30</td> + + <td align="center">B</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Galashiels</td> + + <td align="center">9.45</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">2.15 G</td> + + <td align="center">1 A.M. M</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left"> + Motherwell<big><big><big><big>{</big></big></big></big></td> + + <td align="center">1 P.M.<br /> + (Stopped<br /> + by riot)</td> + + <td align="center"> + <big><big><big><big>}</big></big></big></big>4 P.M. + C</td> + + <td align="center">3.19 H</td> + + <td align="center">3.20 N</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">St. Margaret's Works</td> + + <td align="center">3.30</td> + + <td align="center">5 D</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Perth</td> + + <td align="center">9.45 A.M.</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">11.26 I</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Glasgow</td> + + <td align="left">12.30 P.M.</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Aberfeldy</td> + + <td align="left">6.13</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Dundee</td> + + <td align="left">1.12 A.M.</td> + + <td align="center">3 A.M.to 9</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Inverness</td> + + <td align="left">9.23</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">3.5 J</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Aberdeen</td> + + <td align="left">11.6</td> + + <td align="center">7 P.M.? E</td> + + <td align="center">1 A.M. K</td> + + <td align="center">O</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p>A—Takes delayed pig-iron and third-class passengers. + B—Half of train stops here through breaking an axle-pin. + C—Passengers, for protection, get under seats of + carriages. D—Stops for repairs. E—Having had a + collision at the junction for Aberfeldy, will come on, if there + are any passengers equal to finishing the journey.</p> + + <p>F—Starts under the management of a Director, and, + owing to a misunderstanding, dashes off to Aberdeen, without + stopping. G—Doesn't stop, but knocks over a + station-master. H—Is pelted as it tears through the + station by <i>ex-employés</i>. I—Knocks over another + station-master. J—Meets a pilot-engine, which it splits + in half. K—Goes at full speed through the end of the + terminus, depositing the passengers in a heap in the middle of + the town.</p> + + <p>L—Train starts, made up of horse-boxes and + luggage-vans full of three weeks' arrears of parcels, + first-class carriages, Post-office van, fifty coal-trucks, and + a wild beast show, the Directors wishing to make up for lost + time. M—Train breaking down here, mail and passengers + only forwarded. N—Train attacked by rioters. Pitched + battle with the passengers. O—Telegram from Motherwell + saying, that owing to police intervention, train starts the day + after to-morrow.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" + id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/31.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/31.png" + alt="ARBITRATION." /></a> + + <h3>ARBITRATION.</h3> + + <p>THE SEAL. "BELAY, YOU TWO JOHNNIES!—AVAST + QUARRELLING! GIVE ME A 'CLOSE-TIME,' AND LEAVE THE 'SEA' AN + OPEN QUESTION."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" + id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/33.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33.png" + alt="SHOCKING!" /></a> + + <h3>SHOCKING!</h3> + + <p><i>Fair New-Englander</i> (<i>spending the Winter in the + Old Country</i>). "OH, WHAT A LOVE! AND IS IT THE FIRST YOU + HAVE SHOT THIS YEAR, CAPTAIN RASPER?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TOO CIVIL BY HALF; OR, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Drama Founded—more or less—upon + Facts.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT I.—"PAST."—<i>Interior of the Savings + Bank Department of the G.P.O.</i> Employés <i>engaged upon + their work. The hour for customary cessation of labour + strikes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Official of a Higher Grade</i>. Officers and Gentlemen, + the exigencies of the Public Service require your presence for + some time longer. I beg you to continue your work.</p> + + <p><i>A Hundred Employés</i>. Never! (<i>Aside.</i>) Ha! ha! + the employment of Female Clerks is avenged!</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> (<i>almost in tears</i>). Reconsider your + decision, I beg—I implore!</p> + + <p><i>Another Hundred Employés</i>. Never! (<i>Aside.</i>) + Seven hours a day and no longer—shall be secured at one + fell swoop!</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> (<i>with indescribable emotion</i>). Oh, my + country! Oh, my Savings Bank Depositors! Oh, my dignity of the + Civil Service!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Faints in the arms of faithful</i> Employés, + <i>whilst the other Clerks defiantly depart. + Tableau.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT II.—"PRESENT."—<i>Magnificent apartments + of the</i> P.-M.-Gen. <i>in the G.P.O. Deputation of + contrite</i> Employés <i>listening to the eloquent speech + of their Official Chief.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>P.M.G.</i> (<i>in effect</i>). I am delighted that you + are such good fellows. Your conduct in owning that you were + wrong in refusing to work after regular official hours, almost + effaces a painful page in the history of St. Martin's-le-Grand. + Let it be clearly understood that extra work is <i>not</i> + compulsory, <i>but</i>, if <i>not</i> undertaken, may lead (as + in the present instance) to immediate suspension, if not + dismissal. Surely no one can object to that? (<i>Contrite</i> + Officials <i>express mournful approval.</i>) And now good-bye, + and A Happy New Year. As for the future—hope, my good + friends, hope!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exeunt the contrite</i> Employés, <i>leaving the</i> + Officials of a Higher Grade <i>agitating the nerves + controlling their eyelids spasmodically.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT III.—"FUTURE."—<i>Same Scene as Act + I.</i> Venerable Employés <i>discovered, after twenty + years' further service.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Venerable Employé</i>. Remember the words spoken a + score of winters ago—Hope, brother, hope!</p> + + <p><i>Second Venerable Employé</i>. Yes—Hope, brother, + hope!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>As the Scene closes, the entire Establishment are + left continuing the self-sustaining, but rather profitless + employment, indefinitely. Curtain.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p><i>A Son of the Pool</i>. By the Author of <i>A Daughter of + the Pyramids</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>Charles Keene</h2> + + <h4>BORN AUGUST 10, 1823. DIED JANUARY 4, 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What words avail to honour friends departed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gone from the gatherings which so long + they graced?</p> + + <p>What phrase seems fit when comrades + loyal-hearted</p> + + <p class="i2">Mourn a loved presence late by death + displaced?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No formal elegiacs fashioned coldly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beseem the memory of that manly soul,</p> + + <p>Whose simple, downright spirit trod so boldly</p> + + <p class="i2">Life's most sequestered ways from start + to goal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not rank's trim pleasaunce, nor parades of + fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Tempted his genius; his the great + highway</p> + + <p>Where, free from courtly pride and modish + passion,</p> + + <p class="i2">Toil tramps, free humours crowd, rough + wastrels stray.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Therein his magic pencil laboured gladly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fixing for ever on his chosen page</p> + + <p>In forms fond memory now reviews so sadly</p> + + <p class="i2">The crowded pageant of a passing age.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What an array! How varied a procession!</p> + + <p class="i2">The humours of the parlour, shop, and + street;</p> + + <p>Philistia's every calling, craft, profession,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cockneydom's cheery cheek and patter + fleet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scotch dryness, Irish unction and cajolery,</p> + + <p class="i2">Waiterdom's wiles, Deacondom's pomp of + port;</p> + + <p>Rustic simplicity, domestic drollery,</p> + + <p class="i2">The freaks of Service and the fun of + Sport;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And all with such true art, so fine, unfailing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of touch so certain, and of charm so + fresh,</p> + + <p>As to lend dignity to Cabmen railing,</p> + + <p class="i2">To fustianed clods and fogies full of + flesh.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nor human humours only; who so tender</p> + + <p class="i2">Of touch when sunny Nature + out-of-doors</p> + + <p>Wooed his deft pencil? Who like him could render</p> + + <p class="i2">Meadow or hedgerow, turnip-field, or + moor?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Snowy perspective, long suburban winding</p> + + <p class="i2">Of bowery road-way, villa-edged and + trim.</p> + + <p>Iron-railed city street, where gas-lamps + blinding</p> + + <p class="i2">Glare through the foggy distance dense + and dim?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All with that broad free force, whose + fascination</p> + + <p class="i2">All felt, and artists most, that + dexterous sleight</p> + + <p>Which gave our land the unchallenged + consummation</p> + + <p class="i2">Of graphic mastery in + Black-and-White.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pleasant to dwell on, and a proud possession,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now the tired hand that shaped that world + is still,</p> + + <p>Leaving an ineffaceable impression</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the age that fired its force and + skill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Honoured abroad as loved at home, how ample,</p> + + <p class="i2">The tribute to that modest spirit + paid!</p> + + <p>To pushing quackery a high example,</p> + + <p class="i2">A calm rebuke to egotist parade!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Frank, loyal, unobtrusive, simple-hearted,</p> + + <p class="i2">Loving his book, his pipe, his song, his + friend,</p> + + <p>Peaceful he lived and peacefully departed,</p> + + <p class="i2">A gentle life-course, with a gracious + end.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Irreparable loss to Art, deep sorrow</p> + + <p class="i2">To those his comrades, who so loved the + man,</p> + + <p>And who had hoped for many a sunny morrow</p> + + <p class="i2">To greet that gallant spirit in the + van.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That tall, spare form, that curl-crowned head, the + knitting</p> + + <p class="i2">Of supple hands behind it as he sat,</p> + + <p>That quaint face-wrinkling smile like sunshine + flitting,</p> + + <p class="i2">The droll, dry comment, the quotation + pat;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The small oft-loaded pipe, of ancient moulding,</p> + + <p class="i2">The brazen box that held the well-loved + weed;</p> + + <p>Who shall forget who once was graced by holding</p> + + <p class="i2">In friendship's clasp the hand now still + indeed?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell, great artist, comrade staunch and + loyal!</p> + + <p class="i2">Few simpler lives our feverish age hath + seen.</p> + + <p>Could pomp high-pinnacled, or trappings royal,</p> + + <p class="i2">Add honour to the memory of CHARLES + KEENE?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" + id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/34.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/34.png" + alt="O'Rip Van Winkle" /></a> + + <h3>GOBLIN TRANSFORMATION SCENE FROM THE IRISH EXTRAVAGANZA + OF THE O'RIP VAN WINKLE.</h3><i>Where the Home-Ruler of + Butt's time awakes to find all the would-be dic-taters + suddenly become mere mushrooms.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" + id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> + + <h2>THE SHAH (LEFEVRE) AND THE SULTAN.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/35.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/35.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Over a series of weeks preceding Christmas, Europe was + disturbed by rumours of a momentous interview reported to have + taken place on the banks of the unsuspecting Bosphorus. One of + the parties to the conference was his Imperial Majesty the + SULTAN. The other was an English Statesman, the trusted + counsellor of an Ex-Premier, and believed in family circles to + be the real author of some of his supreme measures. The + naturally retiring disposition of the Statesman in question, + and his inviolable reticence in respect of any matter + concerning himself, made it difficult to arrive at the truth. + Doubtless the stupendous event—the possible consequences + of which on European affairs Time will work out—would + have remained for ever hidden but for the ruthless action of + "the London Correspondents of various provincial papers, who + gave in their London letters more or less inaccurate reports of + the event." How they came to know anything about it admits of + only one conclusion. <i>The SULTAN must have told them</i>. The + event was too important to be left to this haphazard kind of + record, and, accordingly, the <i>Speaker</i> has been favoured + with a narrative of what took place, the signature disclosing + the fact that the other party to the interview was the SHAH + LEFEVRE.</p> + + <p>The SHAH's account, regarded as a record of a historical + event, is manifestly hampered by that modest and insatiable + desire for self-effacement which marks this eminent man. We see + anonymous "persons who had access to the SULTAN approaching" + the SHAH, and "suggesting to him that he ought to apply for an + audience." We see him "declining to do so on the ground that, + having taken an active part in the agitation in England on the + subject of the Bulgarian atrocities in 1877, it would not be + right that I should thrust myself on the attention of the + SULTAN." It is generally thought at Stamboul and elsewhere that + Mr. GLADSTONE was chiefly responsible for the memorable + agitation referred to. But the SHAH is not the man to hide the + truth. Also, "I wished to be free to say what I thought about + the condition of Turkey on my return to England." That was only + fair to waiting England. No use the SULTAN trying to "nobble" + this relentless man. So it came to pass that he went to the + Palace, reluctant, but "feeling we could not refuse such a + command from the Sovereign of the country." He talked with + CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI; saw the SULTAN's horse; hung + about for hours; no SULTAN appeared; went back to hotel + quivering under the insult. Had framed telegram ordering the + British Fleet to the Bosphorus, when VAMBÉRY turned up, pale + and trembling; besought the SHAH to do nothing rash; explained + it was all a mistake. This followed up by invitation to dine at + the Palace the following day.</p> + + <p>All this, and what followed at the dinner; how there were + "excellent wines, electric lights, and a great display of + plate"; how the SULTAN, concentrating his attention on the + SHAH, and forgetful of poor FREDERICK HARRISON, who had, + somehow, been elbowed into obscurity, paid court to this + powerful personality; how he received him on the daïs, and now + cunningly, though ineffectually, he endeavoured to secure on + the spot the evacuation of Egypt, is told in the SHAH'S + delicious narrative.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>, sharing in the thrilling interest this + disclosure has created throughout the civilised world, has been + anxious to complete the record by supplementing the SHAH's + account of the interview, with the SULTAN's own version. This + was, at the outset, difficult. Obstacles were thrown in the + way, but they were overcome by the pertinacity and ingenuity of + Our Representative, who at last found himself seated with the + SULTAN on the very daïs from which SHAH LEFEVRE had conferred + with his Imperial Majesty whilst other of the forty guests, + "including the Austrian Ambassador," looked on, green with + envy.</p> + + <p>"It's a curious thing," said the SULTAN, laying down a book + he had been reading when Our Representative entered, "that, + when you were announced, I had just come upon a reference by + your great Poet to your still greater Statesman. You know the + line in Lockandkey Hall,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Oh the dreary, drear LEFEVRE! Oh the barren, + barren SHAW!'"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"That," Our Representative writes, "is not precisely the + line as I remember it; but I make it a rule never to correct a + SULTAN."</p> + + <p>Accordingly His Majesty proceeded: "And so, my good Cousin, + <i>Mr. Punch</i>, wants to know all about this interview, the + <i>bruit</i> of which has shaken the Universe. His wishes are + commands to me. In the first place, I will tell you (though + this is not for publication), that it was by the merest + accident I had the advantage of knowing your great countryman. + I heard there had come to Constantinople one FREDERICK + HARRISON, head of a sect called the Positivists. I am, you + know, in my way, and within the limits of my kingdom, one of + the most absolute Positivists of the age. I wanted to see the + English apostle, and told them to ask him to dinner. Somehow + things got mixed up, and, at the preliminary morning call, the + SHAH LEFEVRE walked in. Had never heard of him before, but + gathered from CHAKIR PACHA, who had been talking to WAHAN + EFFENDI, who, had seen WOODS PACHA, who had spent an hour with + VAMBÉRY, upon whom SHAH LEFEVRE had called, that the SHAH was + really the mainspring of the Liberal Party in England, + GLADSTONE being merely figure-head, HARCOURT in his pay, and + CHAMBERLAIN suffering in exile under his displeasure. Allah is + Good! Here was a chance thrown into my hands. I forgot all + about FREDERICK HARRISON; told CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI + to entertain the SHAH in the ante-chamber with coffee and + cigarettes, drawing him out on Armenia and Egypt. Meanwhile I + crept under the sofa, and heard every word. The SHAH very stern + about Armenia, could not be drawn about Egypt. At end of hour + and half began to get tired under sofa; managed to stick in + WAHAN EFFENDI's Wellington boot a note, on which I had written, + 'Take him to see my horse.' So they went off to stable, and, as + soon as coast was clear, I crept out; shut myself up in room + for rest of day. Heard afterwards that they came back, the SHAH + much impressed with appearance of my horse; resumed + conversation on Armenia and Egypt for another hour; at last got + rid of SHAH.</p> + + <p>"At night VAMBÉRY, disguised as melon-seller, entered Palace + and gained access to my room. Told me fearful mess had been + made of matters. The SHAH really didn't care about seeing the + horse; wanted to see me. Talks about ordering round the Fleet. + 'Better ask him to dinner,' said VAMBÉRY; so despatched Grand + Chamberlain in carriage and six. The SHAH mollified; gave him a + good dinner: plenty of electric lights. Afterwards he was good + enough to see me on the daïs. Tried to get him to promise + alteration in attitude of English Liberal Party towards me; + also wanted him to settle at once withdrawal of troops from + Egypt, But, though most urbane in manner, exceedingly cautious. + Not to be drawn. Talk about Eastern statecraft! nothing to you + English, as represented by jour SHAH LEFEVRES. When I pressed + him to come to point about Egypt, he said, 'On this subject I + can only speak my own views. I am not authorised to speak on + behalf of those I am politically associated with, but + personally I am opposed to the occupation of Egypt by English + troops.' There's an answer for you! Your MACHIAVELLIS, your + TALLEYRANDS not in it. Felt I had wasted some time, and given + away a dinner all for nothing, except the memory that will ever + rest with me of having been privileged to see this remarkable + man standing on my daïs."</p> + + <p>Here the SULTAN clapped his hands three times, and Our + Representative, being carefully placed in a sack, was dropped + into the Bosphorus, whence he was rescued in time to send off + this despatch for publication in the current Number.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ACCIDENT ON THE ICE.—The other day a gentleman, well + known in the world of Sport and Art, was skating on the + Serpentine, and fell in with a friend. Both were getting on + well when our reporter left.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" + id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> + + <h3>Extract from Report of the G.O.M.'s Birthday Speech at + Hawarden:—</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/36-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36-1.png" + alt="The G.O.M." /></a><i>G.O.M.</i> (<i>to + himself</i>). "I hope Lawson isn't looking at me." + </div> + + <p>"And I do not hesitate to betray to you this secret, that + not infrequently in the summer months, when winding my way + homewards after midnight, sometimes very long after it, from + the House of Commons, I have stopped my course for a moment by + the side of the drinking fountain in Great George Street, + Westminster, when there was nobody to look at me, and have + indulged in the refreshing draught which was there afforded me, + feeling at the same time that I was not performing any action + which could expose me to the resentment or displeasure of my + excellent friend whose name is well known to you all—Sir + WILFRID LAWSON."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>I'D BE A CRIMINAL.</h2> + + <h3>A SONG OF THE RULING SENSATION.</h3> + + <h4>TUNE—<i>I'd be a Butterfly</i>.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd be a criminal, born in a slum,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness + meet;</p> + + <p>For when to the court for my trial I come,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll be gazed on by all that is gracious + and sweet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my + power,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Scientists sage will be slaves at my + feet;</p> + + <p>Offers of marriage I'll get in full shower,</p> + + <p class="i2">And fools in my cause in their thousands + will meet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They'll trot out each new "scientific" vagary,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some hope of escape to my prison to + bring,</p> + + <p>And scribes on my case will be sportive and airy</p> + + <p class="i2">And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, + talk or sing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those I have butchered will get scant attention,</p> + + <p class="i2">Interest's sure to be centred in me.</p> + + <p>Painters will picture me, poets may mention,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beauties discuss me at five o'clock + tea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mad doctors will fight o'er my mental condition,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hypnotists swear I was somebody's + tool;</p> + + <p>And if I'm condemned, why a Monster Petition</p> + + <p class="i2">Will promptly be signed by each faddist + and fool.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Murder—and good Dr. LIÈGOIS of Nancy</p> + + <p class="i2">Will back you, LABRUYÈRE will help you + away.</p> + + <p>I'd be a Murderer, that is my fancy,</p> + + <p class="i2">He is the only true Hero to-day!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTEBOOK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>For the Use of Diners-out and other Amateur + Entertainers.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>The Strike in Scotland</i>.—You might suggest, that + were it in Ireland, one might see a <i>rail</i> way out of it, + or rather in it. This jest may be expected to be appreciated by + a parson's wife of the sharper sort. Something ought to be got + out of the visit of the agitator BURNS to the North. Example of + what can be done in this direction:—"People who play with + fire (persons who go in for strikes) must expect BURNS." + However, be careful not to say this to a Scotchman, or he may + want your blood before you get to the cigarettes. North Britons + are very jealous of the reputation of their national poet, and + permit no jokes upon the subject. You see, in letting off your + witticism at a Scotchman, you would have to explain that it + <i>was</i> a joke. You might also hint that it was "hard lines" + for the Railway Companies concerned; but this will provoke + gloom rather than gaiety amongst those who have invested in + Caledonians and North British. If you talk about the riots in + connection with the movement, you might say that the pugnacious + rioters remind you of safety matches, "for they not only + strike, but strike on the box!"</p> + + <p><i>The Parnell Negociations in France</i>.—You can say + something about O'BRIEN's invitation to Mr. PARNELL to pay him + an evening visit on the French coast, reminds you of the once + popular song, "<i>Meet me by Moonlight, Boulogne</i>." If you + are told that "Boulogne" should be "Alone," return, + "Precisely—borrowed a word—Boulogne was a loan." + This ought to go with roars. At a Smoking Concert you might + suggest that Mr. O'BRIEN was just the man to settle a quarrel, + because even when he was in prison he took an absorbing + interest in <i>the proper adjustment of breeches</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Row at the Post Office</i>.—As the Savings' + Bank Department has for years been the Cinderella of the Civil + Service, this is a subject that will not create much interest; + however, you might possibly extract a pleasantry out of the + name of the present Postmaster-General in connection with the + now-appeased <i>employés</i>. With a little trouble you should + be able to say something quite sparkling about what the + "officers" <i>hoe</i> to <i>Raikes</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Portuguese Difficulty in Africa</i>.—Rather a + good subject at a Christmas Dinner, where relatives (on + particularly affectionate and intimate terms) are gathered + together. Say you have got to the dessert, and you start the + subject. Observe that it is fortunate that the SULTAN OF TURKEY + is not interested in the matter, or there would be further + trouble of a like character. To the question, "Why?" reply, + taking up a bottle of red wine to point your witticism, "would + it not be a second difficulty with the <i>Porte, you + geese</i>?" To make the jest perfect, connect Turkey in Europe + with the <i>dindon aux marrons</i>, of which you will have just + partaken.</p> + + <p><i>The Weather</i>.—If forced to fall back upon this + venerable subject (which should only be broached in the wilds + of Cornwall, or other equally primitive spots), of course you + can speak of a hard frost being "<i>an ice</i> day for a + hunting-man, although he is sure to swear at it." If the + weather breaks, you may observe, "<i>You thaw so</i>," but not + when you have to shout the quibble through the ear-trumpet of a + deaf old maid. And this, with the other witticisms recorded + above, should carry you (by desire) into the middle of next + week.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A DEADLY KISS.—The Hotch-kiss.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PANTOMIMIC REVERIE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a "Slippered Pantaloon."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/36-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tax-gatherers molest one's door,</p> + + <p class="i2">The streets are choked with messy + mist;</p> + + <p>I'm the proverbial Bachelor,</p> + + <p class="i2">An old, prosaic Pessimist.</p> + + <p>Yet somehow—who can tell me why?—</p> + + <p class="i2">Urged by the Past's dim Phantom, I'm</p> + + <p>Disposed my cosy Club to fly,</p> + + <p class="i2">And prank it at the Pantomime.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Phantom weird of things forgot!</p> + + <p class="i2">My mother, proud of me at her</p> + + <p>Sweet side—our yellow chariot—</p> + + <p class="i2">The long, long drive—the + theatre—</p> + + <p>My fear to miss—my thrill when in—</p> + + <p class="i2">The Fairy Queen, the jolly + King—</p> + + <p>The laughter flung at Harlequin,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Pantaloon arollicking.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And sister PRUE, and brother TIM,</p> + + <p class="i2">(I scarcely recollected them),</p> + + <p>Magnificent in gala trim:</p> + + <p class="i2">Dear me, how I respected them!</p> + + <p>I deemed them quite grown up, so bold</p> + + <p class="i2">Seemed they, glared so defiantly:</p> + + <p>Yet they, too, cowered to behold</p> + + <p class="i2">Prone before JACK the Giant lie.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes! Where is TIM, where PRUE, alack!</p> + + <p class="i2">Where mother fondly pliant now?</p> + + <p>Where for that matter too is JACK,</p> + + <p class="i2">And where the grisly Giant now?</p> + + <p>In lonely stall, with vacant brow</p> + + <p class="i2">I sit and eye the <i>coryphées</i>:</p> + + <p>In my time they were Fairies; now</p> + + <p class="i2">They seem to me but sorry fays.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The pageantry is twice as grand,</p> + + <p class="i2">The wealth of wealth embarrasses;</p> + + <p>And yet this is not elfinland</p> + + <p class="i2">But great AUGUSTUS HARRIS's.</p> + + <p>The <i>blasé</i> children vote it flat,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Mister Clown cries, "Here's a + go!"</p> + + <p>Yes, there's the box where erst we sat</p> + + <p class="i2">And laughed so, sixty years ago.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The very box: I think, you know,</p> + + <p class="i2">The reason I'm so queer to-night</p> + + <p>Is merely because long ago</p> + + <p class="i2">Here faces were not here to-night.</p> + + <p>I'd best be off—Bless me! no Clown?</p> + + <p class="i2">No Stage?—no Past invidious?</p> + + <p>No Orchestra?—but simply BROWN</p> + + <p class="i2">Snoring the midnight hideous!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No Drury Lane?—no tinsel flare?—</p> + + <p class="i2">No pirouetting Bogeydom?—</p> + + <p>Only a Club, and one who there</p> + + <p class="i2">Forgot in sleep his Fogeydom!</p> + + <p>Welcome my Transformation Scene;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm dull once more, and every</p> + + <p>Old Bachelor like me, I ween,</p> + + <p class="i2">May muse at times his reverie.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12866 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12866-h/images/25-1.png b/12866-h/images/25-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f29ae9 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/25-1.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/25-2.png b/12866-h/images/25-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..46b419d --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/25-2.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/26.png b/12866-h/images/26.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cede415 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/26.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/27.png b/12866-h/images/27.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dbc7dd6 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/27.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/28.png b/12866-h/images/28.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f0128a --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/28.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/29-1.png b/12866-h/images/29-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a20b7b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/29-1.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/29-2.png b/12866-h/images/29-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..954652d --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/29-2.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/30.png b/12866-h/images/30.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..16d2116 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/30.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/31.png b/12866-h/images/31.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..014473c --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/31.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/33.png b/12866-h/images/33.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50a44c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/33.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/34.png b/12866-h/images/34.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..90defda --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/34.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/35.png b/12866-h/images/35.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc38944 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/35.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/36-1.png b/12866-h/images/36-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1c4464 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/36-1.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/36-2.png b/12866-h/images/36-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1fbbeaa --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/36-2.png |
