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diff --git a/12860-0.txt b/12860-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf0c9fe --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1731 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 3, 1891. + + + + +[Illustration: VOL. C, CALENDAR] + + JANUARY xxxi Days. + + 1 Th N. Year's D. + 2 F Abydos t. + 3 S L. Hunt b. + 4 S 2 S. af. Chr. + 5 M Sambourne] + 6 T Epiphany + 7 W Bp. Ely d. + 8 Th Cam. L.T.b. + 9 F S.r. 8 h. 6 m. + 10 S S.s. 4 h. 10 m. + 11 S 1.S. af. Epip. + 12 M Hil. Sit. b. + 13 Tu B. Cannæ + 14 W Oxf. L.T. b. + 15 Th Orsini plot + 16 F B. Corunna + 17 S Franklin b. + 18 S 2 S. af. Epip. + 19 M Watt b. + 20 Tu Fabian + 21 W Agnes + 22 Th Vincent + 23 F Pitt d. 1806 + 24 S Fox b. 1749 + 25 S Septuag. S. + 26 M Brazil disc. + 27 Tu J. Gibson d. + 28 W Prescott d. + 29 Th Capit. Paris + 30 F Chas. I. bhd. + 31 S B. Jonson b. + + + FEBRUARY xxviii Days. + + 1 S Sexages. S. + 2 M B. Lincoln + 3 Tu Bassevi d. + 4 W S.r. 7 h. 36 m. + 5 Th Galvani d. + 6 F S.s. 4 h. 56 m. + 7 S Dickens b. + 8 S Quinqu. S. + 9 M Darnley m. + 10 Tu Q.V. marr. + 11 W Ash. Wed. + 12 Th Cellini d. + 13 F Revol. 1688 + 14 S Valentine + 15 S 1 S. in Lent. + 16 M Burke exe. + 17 Tu Braham d. + 18 W Luther d. + 19 Th Copernic. b. + 20 F J. Hume d. + 21 S Trinidad t. + 22 S 2 S. in Lent + 23 M S. Brookes d. + 24 Tu Matthias + 25 W Wren d. + 26 Th T. Moore d. + 27 F Benevento + 28 S J. Tenniel + + + MARCH xxxi Days. + + 1 S 3 S. in Lent + 2 M Wesley d. + 3 Tu B. Merton + 4 W Somers b. + 5 Th S.r. 6 h. 39 m. + 6 F Du Maurier + 7 S S.s. 5 h. 48 m. + 8 S 4 S. in Lent + 9 M Cobbett b. + 10 Tu Schiller b. + 11 W Inc. T. imp. + 12 Th Gregory + 13 F Talfourd d. + 14 S Byng shot + 15 S 5 S. in Lent + 16 M Dr. Kent d. + 17 Tu St. Patrick + 18 W Suez cnl. op. + 19 Th Lucknow t. + 20 F B. Alexand. + 21 S Benedict + 22 S Palm S. + 23 M Nat. Gal. f. + 24 Tu Q. Eliz. d. + 25 W Lady Day + 26 Th D. Camb. b. + 27 F Good Frid. + 28 S Cateau + 29 S East. Sun. + 30 M Bk. Holiday + 31 Tu Haydn b. + + + APRIL xxx Days. + + 1 W All Fools + 2 Th S.r. 5 h. 35 m. + 3 F S.s. 6 h. 34 m. + 4 S Ambrose bp. + 5 S Low Sun. + 6 M O. Lady-Day + 7 Tu Pr. Leop. b. + 8 W B. Savona + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 10 F Cam. E.T. b. + 11 S Canning d. + 12 S 2 S. af. Eas. + 13 M Handel d. + 14 Tu Prs. Beatr. b. + 15 W S. Maron. + 16 Th Thiers b. + 17 F B. Culloden + 18 S Graunt d. + 19 S 3 S. af. Eas. + 20 M Spa. fl. des. + 21 Tu Bp. Heber b. + 22 W Odessa bom. + 23 Th St. George + 24 F B. Landrec. + 25 S Prs. Alice b. + 26 S 4 S. af. Eas. + 27 M Gibbon b. + 28 Tu B. Tours + 29 W S. Cath. S. + 30 Th Fitzroy d. + + + MAY xxxi Days. + + 1 F May Day + 2 S S.r. 4 h. 32 m. + 3 S Rogation S. + 4 M Sering. tkn. + 5 Tu S.s. 7 h. 27 m. + 6 W John Evan. + 7 Th Holy Thurs. + 8 F Le Sage b. + 9 S Hf. qr. Day + 10 S S. af. Ascen. + 11 M Chatham d. + 12 Tu Albt. Mem. c. + 13 W O. May Day + 14 Th Gratton d. + 15 F O'Connell d. + 16 S B. Albuera + 17 S Whit Sun. + 18 M Bk. Holiday + 19 Tu Dunstan + 20 W Columbus d. + 21 Th Cawnpore + 22 F Dasent b. + 23 S M. Lemon d. + 24 S Trin. Sun. + 25 M Pr. Hel. b. + 26 Tu Augustine + 27 W Ven. Bede + 28 Th Corp. Christ. + 29 F Chas. II. res. + 30 S Pope d. + 31 S 1 Sn. af. Tr. + + + JUNE xxx Days. + + 1 M Nicomede + 2 Tu Harvey b. + 3 W S.r. 3 h. 50 m. + 4 Th S.s. 8 h. 7 m. + 5 F Weber d. + 6 S Calpee tkn. + 7 S 2 Sn. af. Tr. + 8 M D. Jerrold d. + 9 Tu Paxton d. + 10 W Heilsberg + 11 Th Barnabas + 12 F B. Wilton + 13 S Hastgs. bhd. + 14 S 3 Sn. af. Tr. + 15 M Mag. Charta + 16 Tu Wat Tyl. sl. + 17 W St. Alban + 18 Th Waterloo + 19 F B. Wavres + 20 S Q. Vic. Ac. + 21 S 4 Sn. af. Tr. + 22 M B. Pered + 23 Tu B. Plassy + 24 W Midsm. D. + 25 Th B. Altivia + 26 F Geo. IV. d. + 27 S Cairo tkn. + 28 S 5 Sn. af. Tr. + 29 M St. Peter + 30 Tu Roscoe d. + + + JULY xxxi Days. + + 1 W B. Boyne + 2 Th S.r. 3 h. 50 m. + 3 F B. Sadowa + 4 S S.s. 8 h. 17 m. + 5 S 6 Sn. af. Tr. + 6 M Old Mid. D. + 7 Tu J. Huss bt. + 8 W A. Smith d. + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 10 F Bp. Fell d. + 11 S B. Ouden + 12 S 7 Sn. af. Tr. + 13 M D. Orleans d. + 14 Tu Bastile des. + 15 W St. Swithin + 16 Th Beranger d. + 17 F Punch b. '41 + 18 S Sherlock d. + 19 S 8 Sn. af. Tr. + 20 M Margaret + 21 Tu R. Burns d. + 22 W Salamanca + 23 Th Lyonet b. + 24 F Gibral. tkn. + 25 S St. James + 26 S 9 Sn. af. Tr. + 27 M Talavera + 28 Tu Robesp. exe. + 29 W B. Beylau + 30 Th W. Penn d. + 31 F E. Pease d. + + + AUGUST xxxi Days. + + 1 S Lammas + 2 S 10 Sn. af. Tr. + 3 M Bk. Holiday + 4 Tu Oystr. Sea. c. + 5 W S.r. 4 h. 31 m. + 6 Th Dk. Edn. b. + 7 F S.s. 7 h. 37 m. + 8 S Otway b. + 9 S 11 S. af. Tr. + 10 M C. Keene b. + 11 Tu Trin. Sit. c. + 12 W Grouse s.b. + 13 Th O. Lammas + 14 F Ld. Clyde d. + 15 S W. Scott b. + 16 S 12 S. af. Tr. + 17 M Ad. Blake d. + 18 Tu B. Spurs + 19 W Ozontero + 20 Th Saragossa + 21 F Blck. Ck. s.b. + 22 S B. Bosworth + 23 S 13 S. af. Tr. + 24 M S. Bartholo. + 25 Tu J. Watt d. + 26 W P. Cons. b. + 27 Th Thomson d. + 28 F B. Leipsic + 29 S Jno. Bp. bh. + 30 S 14 S. af. Tr. + 31 M Bunyan d. + + + SEPTEMBER xxx Days. + + 1 Tu Part. sh. e. + 2 W Capit. Sedan + 3 Th S.r. 5 h. 17 m. + 4 F S.s. 6 h. 39 m. + 5 S Comte d. + 6 S 15 S. af. Tr. + 7 M Eunurchus + 8 Tu Nat. B.V.M. + 9 W B. Flodden + 10 Th B. Quesnoy + 11 F S. of Delhi + 12 S O.P. Riots + 13 S 16 S. af. Tr. + 14 M Holy Cross + 15 Tu B. Rajghur + 16 W Jas. II. d. + 17 Th Lambert + 18 F Geo. I. land. + 19 S B. Poitiers + 20 S 17 S. af. Tr. + 21 M St. Matth. + 22 Tu Virgil d. + 23 W Autn. Q. b. + 24 Th S. Butler d. + 25 F Porson d. + 26 S St. Cyprian + 27 S 18 S. af. Tr. + 28 M Nicopolis + 29 Tu Mich. Day + 30 W St. Jerome + + + OCTOBER xxxi Days. + + 1 Th Cam. M.T. b. + 2 F Arago d. + 3 S S.r. 6 h. 6 m. + 4 S 19 S. af. Tr. + 5 M S.s. 5 h. 28 m. + 6 Tu Faith + 7 W Abp. Laud b. + 8 Th B. Actium + 9 F St. Denys + 10 S Ox. M.T. b. + 11 S 20 S. af. Tr. + 12 M America d. + 13 Tu Edw. Conf. + 14 W B. Senlac + 15 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 16 F Soissons t. + 17 S Etheldreda + 18 S 21 S. af. Tr. + 19 M Kneller d. + 20 Tu B. Navarino + 21 W Trafalgar + 22 Th B. Edge Hill + 23 F Irish Reb. + 24 S P. Leigh d. + 25 S 22 S. af. Tr. + 26 M Danton b. + 27 Tu Cap. Cook b. + 28 W J. Locke d. + 29 Th J. Leech d. + 30 F Tower brnt. + 31 S All Hallows + + + NOVEMBER xxx Days. + + 1 S 23 S. af. Tr. + 2 M All Souls + 3 Tu Fall of Acre + 4 W Will. III. b. + 5 Th S.r. 7 h. 3 m. + 6 F S.s. 4 h. 23 m. + 7 S B. Mooltan + 8 S 24 S. af. Tr. + 9 M P. of Wls. b. + 10 Tu M. Luther b. + 11 W St. Martin + 12 Th Hf. qr. Day + 13 F Britius + 14 S Leibnitz d. + 15 S 25 S. af. Tr. + 16 M J. Bright b. + 17 Tu Hugh Bp. L. + 18 W Wilkie b. + 19 Th B. Arcola + 20 F Ld. Elgin d. + 21 S J. Hogg d. + 22 S 26 S. af. Tr. + 23 M St. Clemen. + 24 Tu J. Knox d. + 25 W Chantrey d. + 26 Th G. Grisi d. + 27 F De. Teck b. + 28 S Bunsen d. + 29 S 1 S. in Adv. + 30 M Burnand b.] + + + DECEMBER xxxi Days. + + 1 Tu Prs. Wls. b. + 2 W B. Austerl. + 3 Th Bradbury b. + 4 F Richelieu d. + 5 S S.r. 7 h. 51 m. + 6 S 2 S. in Adv. + 7 M S.s. 3 h. 50 m. + 8 Tu Baxter d. + 9 W Vandyke d. + 10 Th Milton b. + 11 F Jno. Gay d. + 12 S Cibber d. + 13 S 3 S. in Adv. + 14 M P. Cons. d. + 15 Tu I. Walton d. + 16 W V. Weber b. + 17 Th Oxf. M.T. e. + 18 F D. 7 h. 46 m. + 19 S Cam. M.T. e. + 20 S 4 S. in Adv. + 21 M St. Thomas + 22 Tu Win. Q. b. + 23 W Jas. II. abd. + 24 Th Christ. Eve + 25 F Christ. Day + 26 S Bk. Holiday + 27 S Sun. af. Chr. + 28 M Innocents + 29 Tu Stafford ex. + 30 W Pegu anxd. + 31 Th Silvester + + * * * * * + +TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS. + +(_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTER +TO-MORROW._) + +EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.--Reserved gallows seats, +immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying +struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession; +Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas. +(8.30 A.M.) + +TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner. +Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few +special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack" +luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the +Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play +during the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in +their places not later than 10.30.) + +GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.--Additional +Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals +from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all +Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) +Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution +Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments +inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6.30.) +_Auto-da-Fé_ at 2.30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under +eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One +Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies, +passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.) + +PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S +ROOMS.--Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under +the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting +struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.) + +BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.--Full Spanish Programme this day. +Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors +killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra +fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL +SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. to £5 5s. Specially Reserved +Front Seats for Ladies, £7 7s. (3 P.M., and 8.30.) + +IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.--Phonographic +Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals. +Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially). +Reports of Cases tried _in Camerâ_. Private Conversations of parties +to _Causes Célèbres_, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and +Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.) + +PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.--NOW open daily. Admission by private card +only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). Two +Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in +Special Art Sanctum, £10 10s. (10 till 4 only.) + +GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon +of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a +Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!! +Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders +and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and +Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence +at 8. + + Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30! + The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5! + Carriages at 11.10! + +Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still +crowded with the _élite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."] + + * * * * * + +THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY. + +_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en +route_. + +_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at +Dover. Triumphant progress to London. + +_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom +of the City. + +_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and +unlimited hospitality. + +_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations. + +_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of +distinguished conduct. + +_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures. + +_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which +now begins to empty. + +_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear. + +_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to +the papers, and sensational journalism generally. + +_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges, +counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, +strongly recommended row. + +_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme) +and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry +Christmas and a Happy New Year. + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR. + +_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia. + +_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican. + +_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home. + +_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa. + +_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt. + +_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet. + +_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends +meet. + +_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election. + +_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule. + +_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics. + +_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_. + +_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all. + +_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties, +and get through his official work. + +_And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a +century. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.--Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT +contemplate giving another _Matinée_ of that out-of-date play, _The +Lady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_? +No extra charge for this suggestion. + + * * * * * + +GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.--Police Protection to TIM HEALY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY. + + SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs + are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all + kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while + the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded + corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in + whispers._ + +_Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_). +No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide on +something--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting +impatient! (_To the Ladies_.) Do come and help; it's really no +use dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't +_anybody_ think of a good Word? + +_Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the +same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange, +and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy! + +_Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first. +Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over +_there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your +heads together? + +_Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, +ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words. + +_Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again! + + [_They resume their conversation._ + +_Mr. Wh._ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_ +give us a Word? + +_Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think of +something clever! + +_Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so little +experience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred to +me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet +with approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through his +spectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous." + +_Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that? + +_Mr. Wh._ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_? + +_Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which +has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ are +termed-- + +_Mr. Wh._ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only +one seed-lobe myself--and then the +syllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before +_midnight_, you know! + +_Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as a +suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was +wrong; no doubt. + +_Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. How +would--er--"_Familiar_" do? + +_Mr. Wh._ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footle +like this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_. + +_Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_! + +_Mr. Wh._ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge." +How do you see it yourself? + + [_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see + it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop._ + +_Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_ +"Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_," you know. [_Chorus of applause._ + +_Mr. Wh._ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS! + +_Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that, +you know, and you said--! + +_Mr. Wh._ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it, +so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud._) How are we +going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet, +and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot +of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the +Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it. + + [_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat + inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by + way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn + themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more + care for appearances._ + +AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE. + + _The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by + faint applause_. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response._) +You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others. +You let me do everything! + +_Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in! + +_Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now +then--"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one +by one, and say you're _ill_--see? + + [_Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a + dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet._ + +_Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with +the audience--I'm no use _here_! + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential +butler, and show the patients in. + + [_Mr. W. accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that + other people can act as well as he._ + +AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was no +necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A +Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much! + +_Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put +some fun in _somewhere_! + +_Mr. P._ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. +Nobody laughed. + +_Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was +describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically +correct--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was +unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful! + +_Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were +a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview +short, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour. + +_Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to +ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to +them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you +again. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets +carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c., +&c.--_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_.) Now then--last +syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and +all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that +screamingly funny! + +AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all called +me a liar before I opened my mouth! + +_The Rest_.--But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ to +bring the Word in somehow. + +_Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. There +was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We +must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again +(_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't +understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves! + +AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE. + +_General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, or +Magician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give it +up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't, +they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_ +drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed, +we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_ +well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after it +all. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear Miss +ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a +bit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take? + +_Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn't +wanted, you know. + +_Miss Rose_. Not to _act_,--so we stayed outside and--and--arranged +things. + +_An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the +pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid. + +_Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ it +much. + +_The O.L._ And which of you settled what the Word was to be? + +_Mr. N._ Well, I believe we settled that together. + + [_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not + of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON + discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the + other men, and puts it down to jealousy._ + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET. + +We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel +Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may +it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the +bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we +Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and +weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I next +perposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ort +for to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good deal +of atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn't +quite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, +was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred +all about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting +to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, +of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners +of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause +a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit +a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel +diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed +in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with +which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore +Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed. + +[Illustration] + +We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin +the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is +anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons. + +Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the reckless +ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as how +as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was to +hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely +called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manly +employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him, +more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alone +his boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing with +his capital voice, his new Song of "_Old Robert the Waiter_" being a +rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "_Old Simon the +Cellerer_," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an +arncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of "_Mynear Van Dunk_," with its +fine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish. + +BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by singing +his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and we sort our +seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as his Lordship +hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the follering +sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May all the well +to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus as +we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and a +liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly wants it this +bitter weather." ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.] + +MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY JERUM," +is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled +_Told After Supper_. What he wants, that is, what he ought to have +whether he wants it or not, is judicious editing. Had this process +been applied to this eccentric haphazardy book, scarcely more than +a third of it would have been published. "His style, in this book +at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I say the same of his +_Three Men in a Tub_, suggests the idea of his writing being the work +of a young man who, among his companions and admirers, has earned the +reputation of being a 'deuced funny chap,' and so has to struggle to +live up to this reputation, or to live it down." JERUMKY JERUM still +somewhat affects Yankee humour, not, however, in so forced and vulgar +a manner as in his overpraised _Three Men in a Boat_. Two of the Ghost +Stories are humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they +been introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very +palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's +night) brought in his story of _Tom Smart_, and of the inimitable +_Gabriel Grub_, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably +enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels--sandwich'd in between heavy +slabs of doughy material--stand a chance of not being tasted. To +anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, "read about the +Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and EMILY. The tinted paper on +which it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurish +illustrations." + +[Illustration: Goblins.] + +_WOMAN_--not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"--nor woman who in +our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But Woman, +the weekly _Woman_ who is doing uncommonly well and in her fifty-third +number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea of a Christmas +dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very good and simple +dinner it was. The same _Woman_ gave also, among a variety of +next-day's treatments of Turkey, _Turkey in Aspic_, Turkey in Europe, +and Turkey in Asia--yes--but what about "Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't +look well; much better in French. But we dare say it's very good, +though, for breakfast or supper, "devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat." + +I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested me +muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his writings, +though I do not remember ever having heard the titles of his works +mentioned, that, when a neat-looking volume was sent me by Messrs. +PATERSON & Co. of _Leigh Hunt's Tales_, I anticipated great pleasure +from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in anticipation. I +have tried, as the song says, "A little bit here, and a little bit +there--Here a bit, There a bit, And everywhere a bit,"--but, hang me, +says the Baron, if I can tackle any one of them. The matter doesn't +interest me, and the style doesn't fascinate me. This may be rank +heresy, but I can't help it. I have tried, and failed. Well, better to +have tried, and failed, than never to have tried at all. But I shan't +try again,--at least, not on this collection of Tales. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--A good collection of pictures and +sculpture--including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, ALFRED +GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others--is on view at the Royal Arcade +Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for the benefit of the +family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young sculptor, who died only a few +weeks ago. Lots more to say, but you won't stand it, and will probably +say, "_Par! si bête_!" So no more at present from yours par-entally, +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.--A Sheriff's Officer: a +Writ-ualist. + + * * * * * + +A FORECAST FOR 1891. + +(_BEING SOME EXTRACTS FROM THE GLOOMY OUTLOOKER'S DIARY._) + +[Illustration: _Old Sol_. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!" + +_Mr. P._ "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"] + +_January_.--Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London +"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, the +fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15s. Milk, 10s. the +half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to secure +the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out the +Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of coals. +The Three per Cents go down to 35. + +_February_.--Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis +makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, crosses +Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large centre +terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a mile in +Piccadilly. + +_March_.--Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played +at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking +Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are +carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital. + +_April_.--Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large +metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen +waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire +brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish +the flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the +holders of gas shares. + +_May_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute stage. The +"Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" being patted on +the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, and seize the +Stock Exchange and the Mansion House. + +_June_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter +stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of +England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation +to celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in +returning thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the +takings" of their hosts must have been "enormous." + +_July_.--Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. Triumphant +return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed themselves +immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to having another +innings at "the way out." + +_August_.--The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to +stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the +hundred-ton guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a +shell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, +bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of +a letter in the _Times_ from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the +matter will be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department. + +_September_.--A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several Hotchkiss +guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, exceed the known +figures of any previous _battue_ to such an extent that birds sell +in Bond Street at _3d_. a brace, with the result that the whole of +Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the next seven +years. + +_October_.--The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to be got +anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food" +crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bring +up their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill them +professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with +gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, for which proceedings +they are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. + +_November_.--The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several +Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their +immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a +very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public. + +_December_.--First signs of a probable second edition of a "good +old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence. +Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only +frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891 +terminates in gloomy despair. + + * * * * * + +EDWIN AND ANGELINA. + +(_ONE MORE VERSION._) + +[Illustration] + + DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I beg of you to hear my tale of woe, + My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know; + How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted, + And I am left to shed a tear--alone, and broken-hearted. + + We were engaged for eighteen months--he often said that life + Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife. + My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle," + He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle! + + I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea-- + She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me. + I thought him quite a model youth--hard-working, loyal, steady, + A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.", + + Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known + Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own." + It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely, + Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only." + + The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm, + I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm; + So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever, + But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever." + + He only called me darling once! how different from before! + Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)? + And was he tired of me--the girl he loved so fondly, dearly? + It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely." + + Yes--was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove? + You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love! + I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly, + That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely." + + Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast + Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best; + And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly, + But it _was_ more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly." + + The truth was clear--I quickly sent him back his lovely _cartes_, + His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts. + I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried-- + And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married. + + So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know, + You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go. + And if you know, dear _Mr. Punch_, a husband, say you've seen a + Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is + + ANGELINA. + + * * * * * + +WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?--Under the beneficent influence +of the early coal dews--subsequently spelt coal dues--which have +existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan Improvements +have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks to ignorant, but +well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues being abolished, up +goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there is no surplus +for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of coal dues were +considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, "Hard times, come +again once more!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIG-STICKING. + +_Little Prigson_. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST +OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS SISTAH'S _QUITE_ THE +NICEST GIRL I EVER MET." + +_Aunt Eliza_. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU _MIGHT_ HAVE +HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF +_PRESENT COMPANY_!" + +_Cousin Maud_. "YES; IN _BOTH_ CASES, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" + +_Mr. Punch, loquitur_:-- + + A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy, + Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily, + 'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy, + At least, you're beginning most merrily. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You make a good start, anyhow. + With a kiss from the lips that can never betray, + There's many a girl would be greeted _that_ way! + + You're welcome, my lad! It is _Punch's_ old style + To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers; + In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile, + _His_ warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers! + Under the Mistletoe Bough + All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow. + He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl, + Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul. + + _Sursum corda_! That motto's the best of the bunch; + Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker. + Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from _Punch_, + Never helped one in heart or exchequer, + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You cannot do better, I vow, + Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule, + As your very first tip in your very first school. + + Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad? + And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus, + Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad. + How well the Venusian knows us! + Under the Mistletoe Bough + _He_ never kissed maid, but somehow + Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine + With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine. + + No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch, + (Though sometimes my _bâton_ must play--on rogues' shoulders.) + Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch + By Orbilian smiters and scolders. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + A kiss is best treatment, I trow. + A salute from the lips of your _Punch_ you'll not spurn, + And the young guests around you shall each take a turn. + + The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear, + There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon, + But--well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year + As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You look mighty kissable--now. + So here goes another, for luck like, my dear, + As we wish everybody A Happy New Year! + + * * * * * + +OLD MORALITY'S CHRISTMAS CARD AND NEW YEAR WISHES. + +This communication is designed to convey the expression of the wish +that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those not +distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed a season +of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve months, +upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with Happiness. +(_Signed_) W.H.S. + +_Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve_, 1890. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the title and +name of BISHOP KING. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE." + +"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I propose to make a few +additions to my usual forensic costume."--_Extract from a Letter of +Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend_.] + + * * * * * + +AT THE END OF THE YEAR. + +To a Friend, + + Do you remember how we sat, + We two, in this same room together + Last year, and talked of this and that, + And warmed our toes and cursed the weather? + + And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud + (We both smoked briars, I remember), + And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed + To do or die ere next December? + + We spoke without respect of BEN, + BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly; + _Now_ BEN bamboozles jurymen, + And makes his thousand guineas yearly. + + We both despised the wretched JOE, + My fag at school, your butt at College. + Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow, + Choked with absurdly useful knowledge. + + Yet JOE assists to give us laws, + Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form, + 'Midst empty thunders of applause, + Erect on many a Tory platform. + + And poor, inconsequential JACK, + His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's, + Has married money, keeps a hack, + And has a big account at COUTTS's. + + TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square, + And DICK is noted for his dinners-- + Life is a race, but was it fair, + We asked, that _these_ should be the winners? + + We, too, would win; and Heaven knows + What vows we uttered fiery-hearted, + While '89 drew to its close, + And '90 found us--so we parted. + + * * * * * + + And here, good lack, while '90 wanes, + Our candles flaring in their sockets, + We sit once more and count our gains-- + Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets. + + Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends; + Men prate of wealth in empty words, I + Sit here content as '90 ends. + And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye. + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +SEASONABLE. + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating and explosive Stimulant. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal Restorer. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping baby instantly flying out of the +cradle. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid Grandfather suddenly mount to the +fifth storey by leaps and bounds. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate influenza. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache into delirium. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows up the brain tissues. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole household on the sneeze. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever in the Infant School. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the Hippopotamus. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief Justice off the Bench. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the dentist. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop dancing a break-down. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher into a Lunatic Asylum. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising Politician. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation of the Prime Minister. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler cab-horse win the Derby. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor for Practical Jokers. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely relied on by Master TOMMY. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into the Soup at a dinner-party, will +lead to a serious riot in the dining-room. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in a sandwich, will choke an Uncle. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general disorganiser of every Household. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--A Pinch will thoroughly banish sleep for a whole +fortnight. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--"An Octogenarian Consumer" writes:--"I was in a +comatose condition for twenty years, when I came across your Pepper. +I had scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my arm-chair, and have +danced a continual fandango ever since. I carry it loose in all my +pockets, and scatter it on all my friends whenever I meet them. This +has got me kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I do not in the +least mind. I'm as merry and as mad as a March hare--and your Pepper +has done it." + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--The Proprietors beg to inform their Friends and +Patrons that they can supply this highly combustible and explosive +compound in felt safety cases, carefully packed at their bomb-proof +establishment in Barking Marshes, at the usual retail prices, viz., +1s. 1-1/2d., 2s. 9d., 11s., 21s., and 31s. 6d., &c, &c. + + * * * * * + +SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY. + +[Illustration: Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.] + +Dear Mr. Punch,--I venture to address you on a subject that I feel +sure will enlist your kind attention and sympathy. How am I to get +through Yule Tide? Ought I to give up the dispatch of "cards," or +ought I to send them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances? +If I drop the custom, people who like me will think I am outting them, +and persons with whom I am less popular will imagine that economy, +not to say meanness, is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post +Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense," and _do_ send the cards. +Well, I am in this position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty +to get a suitable greeting to all those who receive my annual +benediction. If I have "Wishing you and yours every happiness," with +my appended name and address lithographed, the greeting seems cold, +and even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a favourite Maiden Aunt; +and unduly familiar if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for the +first time in my life the day before yesterday. Then if I trust to the +ordinary Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at a loss to select +an appropriate recipient for a nestful of owls, or the picture of +a Clown touching up an elderly gentleman of highly respectable +appearance with a red-hot poker! If I get a representation of +flowers, the chances are ten to one that the accompanying lines are +of a compromising character. It is obviously cruel to send to a +recently-widowed Uncle some verses about "_Darby and Joan_," and my +Mother-in-law is not likely to feel complimented if I forward to her a +poetically expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter place than +her own home--away, of course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these +are the problems that meet the would-be Yule Tide card distributer at +every turn! I remain, my dear _Mr. Punch_, yours sincerely, + +ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW. + +P.S.--If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed the +postal arrangements. + + * * * * * + +THE UNITED SERVICE DIARY FOR 1891. + +[Illustration: Extremes Meet.] + +_January to March_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper. + +_April to June_.--Soldiers at play. Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper. + +_July to September_.--Soldiers at sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors at +play (_ditto_). Civil Servants away (_ditto_). + +_October to December_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil +Servants reading the morning paper. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.] + + * * * * * + +IN THE LATEST STYLE. + +(_BY OUR INTREPID INTERVIEWER._) + +Feeling that your readers would be interested in learning Mr. CHOSE's +own view of the unpleasant affair, I called upon the distinguished +Arctic Explorer just as he was sitting down to breakfast. + +"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I asked, "that you stole the +umbrellas?" + +The face of the warrior flushed angrily, for a moment, and then +regaining his composure, he replied that he could not see the point of +possessing himself of articles that would be absolutely valueless in +those extremely northern latitudes. + +"That is not the question," I persisted. "I am sure you will forgive +me, when you remember that I speak in the name of the Public; but what +I want, and what they want to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas? +Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No." + +"I don't see what either you or they have to do with it," replied +the Arctic Explorer, cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a +matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do with any of the luggage +of the expedition. So, if it is said, that I walked about with a +shower-protector that was not my own, you can value the story for what +it is worth. Why, on the very face of it, the report is ridiculous!" + +"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the world is uncharitable. However, +Mr. CHOSE, perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your friend and +colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted an aged Esquimaux into what he termed +Iced Greenlander?" + +'I have heard the story, certainly; but cannot say whether it is +true or not. When the incident is alleged to have happened, I was in +another part of the country, having been sent there to change novels +at the local circulating library." + +"But would you say it was probable?" + +"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, chivalrous, merry, +gladsome, gallant young fellow. He was the soul of honour. Why," he +added, with deep emotion, "I have left as much as fourpence in coppers +on a mantel-piece alone with him, and on my return nave found every +halfpenny of the money untouched!" + +"Then do you not think he pushed the old man into the +sausage-machine?" + +"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, or to win a +wager, or perhaps as practical joke. That he would do anything open +to censure at the hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely +incredible. Why, he is a Loamshire man!" + +"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have finished +your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. Is it +true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, stifled +your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?" + +The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said +something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated. + +"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking +pockets? And when it is said that you were turned out of a Club for +cheating at cards--" + +But at this point I was assisted to take my leave with so much +abruptness, that I was forced to leave my last question but partially +formulated. On finding myself once more in the street, I noticed that +I was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however, +my hat was thrown after me. + + * * * * * + +PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET. + +[Illustration: HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO +SHAKSPEARE.] + +"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!" + +_Note_.--Shakespeare was the originator of the aesthetic expression +"Too, too." + +[Illustration: _Queen_. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br /> Here, +Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."] + + * * * * * + +POLITICS UP TO DATE. + +(_SPECIMEN LEADER FROM AN IRISH PAPER IN A CHRONIC STATE OF +REVOLUTION._) + +WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.--We appear this morning awaiting the future with +confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal +on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the +enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours +of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may +arrive when this policy may be reversed. The hour may come-- + +10 A.M.--It has! We have much pleasure in informing our readers that, +after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), we +have conquered. This paper is in our hands, and henceforward we shall +support, to the best of our ability, the Leader of the Party, and +denounce the infamous pretensions of his opponents; still, it would +be unwise to ignore the possibilities of the future. We may be +overpowered by a tyrannical majority. The time may come-- + +11 A.M.--It has! Hurroo! It was hard fighting to get back; but here +we are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents. +For the moment we are victorious, but who shall prophesy what may be +looming in the distant ages? The hour may come-- + +12 NOON.--It has! And now that we have again taken possession, we +must say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs were +flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions, +and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row +entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, and +his opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be +foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come-- + +1 P.M.--It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have just +slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-pots +flew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we make +our remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happening +hereafter. The hour may come-- + +2 P.M.--It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys! +This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--we +mean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo! + + [_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not + otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else + starts a rival and "suppressed" edition._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891. + +_January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was +created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the +Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this +out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away +if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock +teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours +of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On +the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of +PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to +SHERIDAN. + +_February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival. +Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This +said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical +luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary +missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This +capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they +laugh until the end of the month. + +_March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you +take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a +jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the +turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a +hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe +"1801?--the year of my birth!" + +_April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_ +Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the +_Times_. + +_May_.--You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty +date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and +explain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's +Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit +a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebrated +songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles from +London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps +venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like +"lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expect +any one to laugh. + +_June_.--The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and +there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's +Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" are +few and far between, according to WHITAKER. + +_July_.--Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is +also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the +victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause merriment +amongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desert +islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On the 24th the Window +Tax was abolished, of which you may say that although a priceless boon +it was only a _light_ relief. If you can only introduce this really +clever _bon mot_ into a speech at a wedding breakfast, a railway +indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure +to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in +founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement +is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be +tolerated in a mourning coach. + +_August_.--On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves +were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they +husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a +clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the +Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up of an +infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to +which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be +appropriately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." This will be +found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary +Royal Academician living in retirement. + +_September_.--On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. +Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without +loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord +Chancellor born in 1825--the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-_bury_. +A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay +time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly +called "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may +possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or +the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial +hospitality at five o'clock tea. + +_October_.--FIELDING, the novelist, _bowled out_ on the 8th in +1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th--an awful example to habitual +drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story +about the Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot _peasants_ instead! +This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians who +have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush. + +[Illustration: ALWAYS ENTERTAINING; + +OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!] + +_November_.--Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs about +having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take the +chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. Lord Mayor's Day on +the 9th--opportunity for letting off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000 +a Mayor's Nest-egg," &c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular--the +infliction is too serious for jocularity! + +_December_.--Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that most +melancholy of persons "the funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reaches +the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two! +With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a +Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE.--Sir,--Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal +case than appeared in the _Times_ Law Report, December 20th, and which +was entitled "_The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre_ v. _The Justices +of Lancashire_?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a _Bab +Ballad_ in a Pantomime. + + _Solo_. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor + _Chorus_. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee; + _Solo_. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare, + _Chorus_. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee. + +Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be +serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., January 3, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 *** |