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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12860-0.txt b/12860-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf0c9fe --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1731 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 3, 1891. + + + + +[Illustration: VOL. C, CALENDAR] + + JANUARY xxxi Days. + + 1 Th N. Year's D. + 2 F Abydos t. + 3 S L. Hunt b. + 4 S 2 S. af. Chr. + 5 M Sambourne] + 6 T Epiphany + 7 W Bp. Ely d. + 8 Th Cam. L.T.b. + 9 F S.r. 8 h. 6 m. + 10 S S.s. 4 h. 10 m. + 11 S 1.S. af. Epip. + 12 M Hil. Sit. b. + 13 Tu B. Cannæ + 14 W Oxf. L.T. b. + 15 Th Orsini plot + 16 F B. Corunna + 17 S Franklin b. + 18 S 2 S. af. Epip. + 19 M Watt b. + 20 Tu Fabian + 21 W Agnes + 22 Th Vincent + 23 F Pitt d. 1806 + 24 S Fox b. 1749 + 25 S Septuag. S. + 26 M Brazil disc. + 27 Tu J. Gibson d. + 28 W Prescott d. + 29 Th Capit. Paris + 30 F Chas. I. bhd. + 31 S B. Jonson b. + + + FEBRUARY xxviii Days. + + 1 S Sexages. S. + 2 M B. Lincoln + 3 Tu Bassevi d. + 4 W S.r. 7 h. 36 m. + 5 Th Galvani d. + 6 F S.s. 4 h. 56 m. + 7 S Dickens b. + 8 S Quinqu. S. + 9 M Darnley m. + 10 Tu Q.V. marr. + 11 W Ash. Wed. + 12 Th Cellini d. + 13 F Revol. 1688 + 14 S Valentine + 15 S 1 S. in Lent. + 16 M Burke exe. + 17 Tu Braham d. + 18 W Luther d. + 19 Th Copernic. b. + 20 F J. Hume d. + 21 S Trinidad t. + 22 S 2 S. in Lent + 23 M S. Brookes d. + 24 Tu Matthias + 25 W Wren d. + 26 Th T. Moore d. + 27 F Benevento + 28 S J. Tenniel + + + MARCH xxxi Days. + + 1 S 3 S. in Lent + 2 M Wesley d. + 3 Tu B. Merton + 4 W Somers b. + 5 Th S.r. 6 h. 39 m. + 6 F Du Maurier + 7 S S.s. 5 h. 48 m. + 8 S 4 S. in Lent + 9 M Cobbett b. + 10 Tu Schiller b. + 11 W Inc. T. imp. + 12 Th Gregory + 13 F Talfourd d. + 14 S Byng shot + 15 S 5 S. in Lent + 16 M Dr. Kent d. + 17 Tu St. Patrick + 18 W Suez cnl. op. + 19 Th Lucknow t. + 20 F B. Alexand. + 21 S Benedict + 22 S Palm S. + 23 M Nat. Gal. f. + 24 Tu Q. Eliz. d. + 25 W Lady Day + 26 Th D. Camb. b. + 27 F Good Frid. + 28 S Cateau + 29 S East. Sun. + 30 M Bk. Holiday + 31 Tu Haydn b. + + + APRIL xxx Days. + + 1 W All Fools + 2 Th S.r. 5 h. 35 m. + 3 F S.s. 6 h. 34 m. + 4 S Ambrose bp. + 5 S Low Sun. + 6 M O. Lady-Day + 7 Tu Pr. Leop. b. + 8 W B. Savona + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 10 F Cam. E.T. b. + 11 S Canning d. + 12 S 2 S. af. Eas. + 13 M Handel d. + 14 Tu Prs. Beatr. b. + 15 W S. Maron. + 16 Th Thiers b. + 17 F B. Culloden + 18 S Graunt d. + 19 S 3 S. af. Eas. + 20 M Spa. fl. des. + 21 Tu Bp. Heber b. + 22 W Odessa bom. + 23 Th St. George + 24 F B. Landrec. + 25 S Prs. Alice b. + 26 S 4 S. af. Eas. + 27 M Gibbon b. + 28 Tu B. Tours + 29 W S. Cath. S. + 30 Th Fitzroy d. + + + MAY xxxi Days. + + 1 F May Day + 2 S S.r. 4 h. 32 m. + 3 S Rogation S. + 4 M Sering. tkn. + 5 Tu S.s. 7 h. 27 m. + 6 W John Evan. + 7 Th Holy Thurs. + 8 F Le Sage b. + 9 S Hf. qr. Day + 10 S S. af. Ascen. + 11 M Chatham d. + 12 Tu Albt. Mem. c. + 13 W O. May Day + 14 Th Gratton d. + 15 F O'Connell d. + 16 S B. Albuera + 17 S Whit Sun. + 18 M Bk. Holiday + 19 Tu Dunstan + 20 W Columbus d. + 21 Th Cawnpore + 22 F Dasent b. + 23 S M. Lemon d. + 24 S Trin. Sun. + 25 M Pr. Hel. b. + 26 Tu Augustine + 27 W Ven. Bede + 28 Th Corp. Christ. + 29 F Chas. II. res. + 30 S Pope d. + 31 S 1 Sn. af. Tr. + + + JUNE xxx Days. + + 1 M Nicomede + 2 Tu Harvey b. + 3 W S.r. 3 h. 50 m. + 4 Th S.s. 8 h. 7 m. + 5 F Weber d. + 6 S Calpee tkn. + 7 S 2 Sn. af. Tr. + 8 M D. Jerrold d. + 9 Tu Paxton d. + 10 W Heilsberg + 11 Th Barnabas + 12 F B. Wilton + 13 S Hastgs. bhd. + 14 S 3 Sn. af. Tr. + 15 M Mag. Charta + 16 Tu Wat Tyl. sl. + 17 W St. Alban + 18 Th Waterloo + 19 F B. Wavres + 20 S Q. Vic. Ac. + 21 S 4 Sn. af. Tr. + 22 M B. Pered + 23 Tu B. Plassy + 24 W Midsm. D. + 25 Th B. Altivia + 26 F Geo. IV. d. + 27 S Cairo tkn. + 28 S 5 Sn. af. Tr. + 29 M St. Peter + 30 Tu Roscoe d. + + + JULY xxxi Days. + + 1 W B. Boyne + 2 Th S.r. 3 h. 50 m. + 3 F B. Sadowa + 4 S S.s. 8 h. 17 m. + 5 S 6 Sn. af. Tr. + 6 M Old Mid. D. + 7 Tu J. Huss bt. + 8 W A. Smith d. + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 10 F Bp. Fell d. + 11 S B. Ouden + 12 S 7 Sn. af. Tr. + 13 M D. Orleans d. + 14 Tu Bastile des. + 15 W St. Swithin + 16 Th Beranger d. + 17 F Punch b. '41 + 18 S Sherlock d. + 19 S 8 Sn. af. Tr. + 20 M Margaret + 21 Tu R. Burns d. + 22 W Salamanca + 23 Th Lyonet b. + 24 F Gibral. tkn. + 25 S St. James + 26 S 9 Sn. af. Tr. + 27 M Talavera + 28 Tu Robesp. exe. + 29 W B. Beylau + 30 Th W. Penn d. + 31 F E. Pease d. + + + AUGUST xxxi Days. + + 1 S Lammas + 2 S 10 Sn. af. Tr. + 3 M Bk. Holiday + 4 Tu Oystr. Sea. c. + 5 W S.r. 4 h. 31 m. + 6 Th Dk. Edn. b. + 7 F S.s. 7 h. 37 m. + 8 S Otway b. + 9 S 11 S. af. Tr. + 10 M C. Keene b. + 11 Tu Trin. Sit. c. + 12 W Grouse s.b. + 13 Th O. Lammas + 14 F Ld. Clyde d. + 15 S W. Scott b. + 16 S 12 S. af. Tr. + 17 M Ad. Blake d. + 18 Tu B. Spurs + 19 W Ozontero + 20 Th Saragossa + 21 F Blck. Ck. s.b. + 22 S B. Bosworth + 23 S 13 S. af. Tr. + 24 M S. Bartholo. + 25 Tu J. Watt d. + 26 W P. Cons. b. + 27 Th Thomson d. + 28 F B. Leipsic + 29 S Jno. Bp. bh. + 30 S 14 S. af. Tr. + 31 M Bunyan d. + + + SEPTEMBER xxx Days. + + 1 Tu Part. sh. e. + 2 W Capit. Sedan + 3 Th S.r. 5 h. 17 m. + 4 F S.s. 6 h. 39 m. + 5 S Comte d. + 6 S 15 S. af. Tr. + 7 M Eunurchus + 8 Tu Nat. B.V.M. + 9 W B. Flodden + 10 Th B. Quesnoy + 11 F S. of Delhi + 12 S O.P. Riots + 13 S 16 S. af. Tr. + 14 M Holy Cross + 15 Tu B. Rajghur + 16 W Jas. II. d. + 17 Th Lambert + 18 F Geo. I. land. + 19 S B. Poitiers + 20 S 17 S. af. Tr. + 21 M St. Matth. + 22 Tu Virgil d. + 23 W Autn. Q. b. + 24 Th S. Butler d. + 25 F Porson d. + 26 S St. Cyprian + 27 S 18 S. af. Tr. + 28 M Nicopolis + 29 Tu Mich. Day + 30 W St. Jerome + + + OCTOBER xxxi Days. + + 1 Th Cam. M.T. b. + 2 F Arago d. + 3 S S.r. 6 h. 6 m. + 4 S 19 S. af. Tr. + 5 M S.s. 5 h. 28 m. + 6 Tu Faith + 7 W Abp. Laud b. + 8 Th B. Actium + 9 F St. Denys + 10 S Ox. M.T. b. + 11 S 20 S. af. Tr. + 12 M America d. + 13 Tu Edw. Conf. + 14 W B. Senlac + 15 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 16 F Soissons t. + 17 S Etheldreda + 18 S 21 S. af. Tr. + 19 M Kneller d. + 20 Tu B. Navarino + 21 W Trafalgar + 22 Th B. Edge Hill + 23 F Irish Reb. + 24 S P. Leigh d. + 25 S 22 S. af. Tr. + 26 M Danton b. + 27 Tu Cap. Cook b. + 28 W J. Locke d. + 29 Th J. Leech d. + 30 F Tower brnt. + 31 S All Hallows + + + NOVEMBER xxx Days. + + 1 S 23 S. af. Tr. + 2 M All Souls + 3 Tu Fall of Acre + 4 W Will. III. b. + 5 Th S.r. 7 h. 3 m. + 6 F S.s. 4 h. 23 m. + 7 S B. Mooltan + 8 S 24 S. af. Tr. + 9 M P. of Wls. b. + 10 Tu M. Luther b. + 11 W St. Martin + 12 Th Hf. qr. Day + 13 F Britius + 14 S Leibnitz d. + 15 S 25 S. af. Tr. + 16 M J. Bright b. + 17 Tu Hugh Bp. L. + 18 W Wilkie b. + 19 Th B. Arcola + 20 F Ld. Elgin d. + 21 S J. Hogg d. + 22 S 26 S. af. Tr. + 23 M St. Clemen. + 24 Tu J. Knox d. + 25 W Chantrey d. + 26 Th G. Grisi d. + 27 F De. Teck b. + 28 S Bunsen d. + 29 S 1 S. in Adv. + 30 M Burnand b.] + + + DECEMBER xxxi Days. + + 1 Tu Prs. Wls. b. + 2 W B. Austerl. + 3 Th Bradbury b. + 4 F Richelieu d. + 5 S S.r. 7 h. 51 m. + 6 S 2 S. in Adv. + 7 M S.s. 3 h. 50 m. + 8 Tu Baxter d. + 9 W Vandyke d. + 10 Th Milton b. + 11 F Jno. Gay d. + 12 S Cibber d. + 13 S 3 S. in Adv. + 14 M P. Cons. d. + 15 Tu I. Walton d. + 16 W V. Weber b. + 17 Th Oxf. M.T. e. + 18 F D. 7 h. 46 m. + 19 S Cam. M.T. e. + 20 S 4 S. in Adv. + 21 M St. Thomas + 22 Tu Win. Q. b. + 23 W Jas. II. abd. + 24 Th Christ. Eve + 25 F Christ. Day + 26 S Bk. Holiday + 27 S Sun. af. Chr. + 28 M Innocents + 29 Tu Stafford ex. + 30 W Pegu anxd. + 31 Th Silvester + + * * * * * + +TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS. + +(_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTER +TO-MORROW._) + +EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.--Reserved gallows seats, +immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying +struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession; +Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas. +(8.30 A.M.) + +TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner. +Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few +special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack" +luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the +Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play +during the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in +their places not later than 10.30.) + +GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.--Additional +Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals +from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all +Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) +Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution +Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments +inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6.30.) +_Auto-da-Fé_ at 2.30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under +eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One +Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies, +passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.) + +PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S +ROOMS.--Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under +the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting +struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.) + +BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.--Full Spanish Programme this day. +Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors +killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra +fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL +SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. to £5 5s. Specially Reserved +Front Seats for Ladies, £7 7s. (3 P.M., and 8.30.) + +IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.--Phonographic +Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals. +Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially). +Reports of Cases tried _in Camerâ_. Private Conversations of parties +to _Causes Célèbres_, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and +Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.) + +PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.--NOW open daily. Admission by private card +only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). Two +Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in +Special Art Sanctum, £10 10s. (10 till 4 only.) + +GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon +of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a +Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!! +Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders +and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and +Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence +at 8. + + Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30! + The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5! + Carriages at 11.10! + +Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still +crowded with the _élite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."] + + * * * * * + +THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY. + +_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en +route_. + +_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at +Dover. Triumphant progress to London. + +_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom +of the City. + +_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and +unlimited hospitality. + +_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations. + +_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of +distinguished conduct. + +_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures. + +_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which +now begins to empty. + +_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear. + +_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to +the papers, and sensational journalism generally. + +_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges, +counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, +strongly recommended row. + +_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme) +and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry +Christmas and a Happy New Year. + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR. + +_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia. + +_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican. + +_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home. + +_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa. + +_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt. + +_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet. + +_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends +meet. + +_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election. + +_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule. + +_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics. + +_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_. + +_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all. + +_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties, +and get through his official work. + +_And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a +century. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.--Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT +contemplate giving another _Matinée_ of that out-of-date play, _The +Lady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_? +No extra charge for this suggestion. + + * * * * * + +GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.--Police Protection to TIM HEALY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY. + + SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs + are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all + kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while + the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded + corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in + whispers._ + +_Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_). +No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide on +something--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting +impatient! (_To the Ladies_.) Do come and help; it's really no +use dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't +_anybody_ think of a good Word? + +_Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the +same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange, +and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy! + +_Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first. +Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over +_there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your +heads together? + +_Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, +ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words. + +_Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again! + + [_They resume their conversation._ + +_Mr. Wh._ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_ +give us a Word? + +_Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think of +something clever! + +_Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so little +experience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred to +me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet +with approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through his +spectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous." + +_Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that? + +_Mr. Wh._ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_? + +_Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which +has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ are +termed-- + +_Mr. Wh._ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only +one seed-lobe myself--and then the +syllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before +_midnight_, you know! + +_Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as a +suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was +wrong; no doubt. + +_Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. How +would--er--"_Familiar_" do? + +_Mr. Wh._ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footle +like this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_. + +_Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_! + +_Mr. Wh._ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge." +How do you see it yourself? + + [_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see + it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop._ + +_Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_ +"Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_," you know. [_Chorus of applause._ + +_Mr. Wh._ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS! + +_Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that, +you know, and you said--! + +_Mr. Wh._ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it, +so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud._) How are we +going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet, +and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot +of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the +Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it. + + [_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat + inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by + way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn + themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more + care for appearances._ + +AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE. + + _The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by + faint applause_. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response._) +You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others. +You let me do everything! + +_Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in! + +_Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now +then--"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one +by one, and say you're _ill_--see? + + [_Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a + dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet._ + +_Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with +the audience--I'm no use _here_! + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential +butler, and show the patients in. + + [_Mr. W. accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that + other people can act as well as he._ + +AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was no +necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A +Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much! + +_Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put +some fun in _somewhere_! + +_Mr. P._ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. +Nobody laughed. + +_Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was +describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically +correct--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was +unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful! + +_Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were +a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview +short, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour. + +_Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to +ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to +them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you +again. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets +carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c., +&c.--_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_.) Now then--last +syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and +all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that +screamingly funny! + +AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all called +me a liar before I opened my mouth! + +_The Rest_.--But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ to +bring the Word in somehow. + +_Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. There +was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We +must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again +(_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't +understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves! + +AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE. + +_General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, or +Magician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give it +up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't, +they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_ +drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed, +we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_ +well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after it +all. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear Miss +ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a +bit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take? + +_Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn't +wanted, you know. + +_Miss Rose_. Not to _act_,--so we stayed outside and--and--arranged +things. + +_An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the +pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid. + +_Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ it +much. + +_The O.L._ And which of you settled what the Word was to be? + +_Mr. N._ Well, I believe we settled that together. + + [_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not + of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON + discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the + other men, and puts it down to jealousy._ + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET. + +We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel +Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may +it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the +bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we +Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and +weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I next +perposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ort +for to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good deal +of atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn't +quite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, +was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred +all about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting +to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, +of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners +of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause +a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit +a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel +diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed +in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with +which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore +Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed. + +[Illustration] + +We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin +the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is +anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons. + +Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the reckless +ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as how +as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was to +hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely +called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manly +employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him, +more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alone +his boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing with +his capital voice, his new Song of "_Old Robert the Waiter_" being a +rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "_Old Simon the +Cellerer_," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an +arncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of "_Mynear Van Dunk_," with its +fine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish. + +BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by singing +his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and we sort our +seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as his Lordship +hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the follering +sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May all the well +to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus as +we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and a +liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly wants it this +bitter weather." ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.] + +MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY JERUM," +is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled +_Told After Supper_. What he wants, that is, what he ought to have +whether he wants it or not, is judicious editing. Had this process +been applied to this eccentric haphazardy book, scarcely more than +a third of it would have been published. "His style, in this book +at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I say the same of his +_Three Men in a Tub_, suggests the idea of his writing being the work +of a young man who, among his companions and admirers, has earned the +reputation of being a 'deuced funny chap,' and so has to struggle to +live up to this reputation, or to live it down." JERUMKY JERUM still +somewhat affects Yankee humour, not, however, in so forced and vulgar +a manner as in his overpraised _Three Men in a Boat_. Two of the Ghost +Stories are humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they +been introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very +palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's +night) brought in his story of _Tom Smart_, and of the inimitable +_Gabriel Grub_, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably +enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels--sandwich'd in between heavy +slabs of doughy material--stand a chance of not being tasted. To +anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, "read about the +Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and EMILY. The tinted paper on +which it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurish +illustrations." + +[Illustration: Goblins.] + +_WOMAN_--not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"--nor woman who in +our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But Woman, +the weekly _Woman_ who is doing uncommonly well and in her fifty-third +number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea of a Christmas +dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very good and simple +dinner it was. The same _Woman_ gave also, among a variety of +next-day's treatments of Turkey, _Turkey in Aspic_, Turkey in Europe, +and Turkey in Asia--yes--but what about "Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't +look well; much better in French. But we dare say it's very good, +though, for breakfast or supper, "devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat." + +I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested me +muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his writings, +though I do not remember ever having heard the titles of his works +mentioned, that, when a neat-looking volume was sent me by Messrs. +PATERSON & Co. of _Leigh Hunt's Tales_, I anticipated great pleasure +from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in anticipation. I +have tried, as the song says, "A little bit here, and a little bit +there--Here a bit, There a bit, And everywhere a bit,"--but, hang me, +says the Baron, if I can tackle any one of them. The matter doesn't +interest me, and the style doesn't fascinate me. This may be rank +heresy, but I can't help it. I have tried, and failed. Well, better to +have tried, and failed, than never to have tried at all. But I shan't +try again,--at least, not on this collection of Tales. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--A good collection of pictures and +sculpture--including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, ALFRED +GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others--is on view at the Royal Arcade +Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for the benefit of the +family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young sculptor, who died only a few +weeks ago. Lots more to say, but you won't stand it, and will probably +say, "_Par! si bête_!" So no more at present from yours par-entally, +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.--A Sheriff's Officer: a +Writ-ualist. + + * * * * * + +A FORECAST FOR 1891. + +(_BEING SOME EXTRACTS FROM THE GLOOMY OUTLOOKER'S DIARY._) + +[Illustration: _Old Sol_. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!" + +_Mr. P._ "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"] + +_January_.--Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London +"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, the +fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15s. Milk, 10s. the +half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to secure +the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out the +Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of coals. +The Three per Cents go down to 35. + +_February_.--Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis +makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, crosses +Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large centre +terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a mile in +Piccadilly. + +_March_.--Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played +at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking +Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are +carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital. + +_April_.--Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large +metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen +waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire +brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish +the flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the +holders of gas shares. + +_May_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute stage. The +"Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" being patted on +the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, and seize the +Stock Exchange and the Mansion House. + +_June_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter +stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of +England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation +to celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in +returning thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the +takings" of their hosts must have been "enormous." + +_July_.--Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. Triumphant +return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed themselves +immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to having another +innings at "the way out." + +_August_.--The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to +stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the +hundred-ton guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a +shell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, +bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of +a letter in the _Times_ from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the +matter will be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department. + +_September_.--A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several Hotchkiss +guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, exceed the known +figures of any previous _battue_ to such an extent that birds sell +in Bond Street at _3d_. a brace, with the result that the whole of +Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the next seven +years. + +_October_.--The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to be got +anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food" +crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bring +up their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill them +professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with +gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, for which proceedings +they are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. + +_November_.--The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several +Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their +immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a +very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public. + +_December_.--First signs of a probable second edition of a "good +old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence. +Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only +frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891 +terminates in gloomy despair. + + * * * * * + +EDWIN AND ANGELINA. + +(_ONE MORE VERSION._) + +[Illustration] + + DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I beg of you to hear my tale of woe, + My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know; + How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted, + And I am left to shed a tear--alone, and broken-hearted. + + We were engaged for eighteen months--he often said that life + Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife. + My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle," + He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle! + + I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea-- + She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me. + I thought him quite a model youth--hard-working, loyal, steady, + A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.", + + Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known + Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own." + It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely, + Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only." + + The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm, + I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm; + So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever, + But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever." + + He only called me darling once! how different from before! + Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)? + And was he tired of me--the girl he loved so fondly, dearly? + It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely." + + Yes--was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove? + You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love! + I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly, + That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely." + + Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast + Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best; + And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly, + But it _was_ more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly." + + The truth was clear--I quickly sent him back his lovely _cartes_, + His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts. + I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried-- + And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married. + + So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know, + You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go. + And if you know, dear _Mr. Punch_, a husband, say you've seen a + Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is + + ANGELINA. + + * * * * * + +WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?--Under the beneficent influence +of the early coal dews--subsequently spelt coal dues--which have +existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan Improvements +have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks to ignorant, but +well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues being abolished, up +goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there is no surplus +for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of coal dues were +considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, "Hard times, come +again once more!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIG-STICKING. + +_Little Prigson_. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST +OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS SISTAH'S _QUITE_ THE +NICEST GIRL I EVER MET." + +_Aunt Eliza_. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU _MIGHT_ HAVE +HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF +_PRESENT COMPANY_!" + +_Cousin Maud_. "YES; IN _BOTH_ CASES, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" + +_Mr. Punch, loquitur_:-- + + A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy, + Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily, + 'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy, + At least, you're beginning most merrily. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You make a good start, anyhow. + With a kiss from the lips that can never betray, + There's many a girl would be greeted _that_ way! + + You're welcome, my lad! It is _Punch's_ old style + To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers; + In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile, + _His_ warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers! + Under the Mistletoe Bough + All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow. + He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl, + Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul. + + _Sursum corda_! That motto's the best of the bunch; + Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker. + Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from _Punch_, + Never helped one in heart or exchequer, + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You cannot do better, I vow, + Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule, + As your very first tip in your very first school. + + Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad? + And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus, + Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad. + How well the Venusian knows us! + Under the Mistletoe Bough + _He_ never kissed maid, but somehow + Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine + With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine. + + No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch, + (Though sometimes my _bâton_ must play--on rogues' shoulders.) + Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch + By Orbilian smiters and scolders. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + A kiss is best treatment, I trow. + A salute from the lips of your _Punch_ you'll not spurn, + And the young guests around you shall each take a turn. + + The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear, + There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon, + But--well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year + As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You look mighty kissable--now. + So here goes another, for luck like, my dear, + As we wish everybody A Happy New Year! + + * * * * * + +OLD MORALITY'S CHRISTMAS CARD AND NEW YEAR WISHES. + +This communication is designed to convey the expression of the wish +that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those not +distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed a season +of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve months, +upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with Happiness. +(_Signed_) W.H.S. + +_Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve_, 1890. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the title and +name of BISHOP KING. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE." + +"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I propose to make a few +additions to my usual forensic costume."--_Extract from a Letter of +Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend_.] + + * * * * * + +AT THE END OF THE YEAR. + +To a Friend, + + Do you remember how we sat, + We two, in this same room together + Last year, and talked of this and that, + And warmed our toes and cursed the weather? + + And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud + (We both smoked briars, I remember), + And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed + To do or die ere next December? + + We spoke without respect of BEN, + BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly; + _Now_ BEN bamboozles jurymen, + And makes his thousand guineas yearly. + + We both despised the wretched JOE, + My fag at school, your butt at College. + Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow, + Choked with absurdly useful knowledge. + + Yet JOE assists to give us laws, + Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form, + 'Midst empty thunders of applause, + Erect on many a Tory platform. + + And poor, inconsequential JACK, + His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's, + Has married money, keeps a hack, + And has a big account at COUTTS's. + + TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square, + And DICK is noted for his dinners-- + Life is a race, but was it fair, + We asked, that _these_ should be the winners? + + We, too, would win; and Heaven knows + What vows we uttered fiery-hearted, + While '89 drew to its close, + And '90 found us--so we parted. + + * * * * * + + And here, good lack, while '90 wanes, + Our candles flaring in their sockets, + We sit once more and count our gains-- + Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets. + + Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends; + Men prate of wealth in empty words, I + Sit here content as '90 ends. + And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye. + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +SEASONABLE. + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating and explosive Stimulant. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal Restorer. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping baby instantly flying out of the +cradle. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid Grandfather suddenly mount to the +fifth storey by leaps and bounds. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate influenza. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache into delirium. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows up the brain tissues. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole household on the sneeze. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever in the Infant School. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the Hippopotamus. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief Justice off the Bench. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the dentist. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop dancing a break-down. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher into a Lunatic Asylum. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising Politician. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation of the Prime Minister. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler cab-horse win the Derby. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor for Practical Jokers. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely relied on by Master TOMMY. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into the Soup at a dinner-party, will +lead to a serious riot in the dining-room. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in a sandwich, will choke an Uncle. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general disorganiser of every Household. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--A Pinch will thoroughly banish sleep for a whole +fortnight. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--"An Octogenarian Consumer" writes:--"I was in a +comatose condition for twenty years, when I came across your Pepper. +I had scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my arm-chair, and have +danced a continual fandango ever since. I carry it loose in all my +pockets, and scatter it on all my friends whenever I meet them. This +has got me kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I do not in the +least mind. I'm as merry and as mad as a March hare--and your Pepper +has done it." + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--The Proprietors beg to inform their Friends and +Patrons that they can supply this highly combustible and explosive +compound in felt safety cases, carefully packed at their bomb-proof +establishment in Barking Marshes, at the usual retail prices, viz., +1s. 1-1/2d., 2s. 9d., 11s., 21s., and 31s. 6d., &c, &c. + + * * * * * + +SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY. + +[Illustration: Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.] + +Dear Mr. Punch,--I venture to address you on a subject that I feel +sure will enlist your kind attention and sympathy. How am I to get +through Yule Tide? Ought I to give up the dispatch of "cards," or +ought I to send them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances? +If I drop the custom, people who like me will think I am outting them, +and persons with whom I am less popular will imagine that economy, +not to say meanness, is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post +Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense," and _do_ send the cards. +Well, I am in this position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty +to get a suitable greeting to all those who receive my annual +benediction. If I have "Wishing you and yours every happiness," with +my appended name and address lithographed, the greeting seems cold, +and even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a favourite Maiden Aunt; +and unduly familiar if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for the +first time in my life the day before yesterday. Then if I trust to the +ordinary Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at a loss to select +an appropriate recipient for a nestful of owls, or the picture of +a Clown touching up an elderly gentleman of highly respectable +appearance with a red-hot poker! If I get a representation of +flowers, the chances are ten to one that the accompanying lines are +of a compromising character. It is obviously cruel to send to a +recently-widowed Uncle some verses about "_Darby and Joan_," and my +Mother-in-law is not likely to feel complimented if I forward to her a +poetically expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter place than +her own home--away, of course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these +are the problems that meet the would-be Yule Tide card distributer at +every turn! I remain, my dear _Mr. Punch_, yours sincerely, + +ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW. + +P.S.--If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed the +postal arrangements. + + * * * * * + +THE UNITED SERVICE DIARY FOR 1891. + +[Illustration: Extremes Meet.] + +_January to March_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper. + +_April to June_.--Soldiers at play. Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper. + +_July to September_.--Soldiers at sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors at +play (_ditto_). Civil Servants away (_ditto_). + +_October to December_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil +Servants reading the morning paper. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.] + + * * * * * + +IN THE LATEST STYLE. + +(_BY OUR INTREPID INTERVIEWER._) + +Feeling that your readers would be interested in learning Mr. CHOSE's +own view of the unpleasant affair, I called upon the distinguished +Arctic Explorer just as he was sitting down to breakfast. + +"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I asked, "that you stole the +umbrellas?" + +The face of the warrior flushed angrily, for a moment, and then +regaining his composure, he replied that he could not see the point of +possessing himself of articles that would be absolutely valueless in +those extremely northern latitudes. + +"That is not the question," I persisted. "I am sure you will forgive +me, when you remember that I speak in the name of the Public; but what +I want, and what they want to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas? +Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No." + +"I don't see what either you or they have to do with it," replied +the Arctic Explorer, cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a +matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do with any of the luggage +of the expedition. So, if it is said, that I walked about with a +shower-protector that was not my own, you can value the story for what +it is worth. Why, on the very face of it, the report is ridiculous!" + +"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the world is uncharitable. However, +Mr. CHOSE, perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your friend and +colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted an aged Esquimaux into what he termed +Iced Greenlander?" + +'I have heard the story, certainly; but cannot say whether it is +true or not. When the incident is alleged to have happened, I was in +another part of the country, having been sent there to change novels +at the local circulating library." + +"But would you say it was probable?" + +"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, chivalrous, merry, +gladsome, gallant young fellow. He was the soul of honour. Why," he +added, with deep emotion, "I have left as much as fourpence in coppers +on a mantel-piece alone with him, and on my return nave found every +halfpenny of the money untouched!" + +"Then do you not think he pushed the old man into the +sausage-machine?" + +"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, or to win a +wager, or perhaps as practical joke. That he would do anything open +to censure at the hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely +incredible. Why, he is a Loamshire man!" + +"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have finished +your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. Is it +true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, stifled +your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?" + +The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said +something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated. + +"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking +pockets? And when it is said that you were turned out of a Club for +cheating at cards--" + +But at this point I was assisted to take my leave with so much +abruptness, that I was forced to leave my last question but partially +formulated. On finding myself once more in the street, I noticed that +I was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however, +my hat was thrown after me. + + * * * * * + +PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET. + +[Illustration: HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO +SHAKSPEARE.] + +"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!" + +_Note_.--Shakespeare was the originator of the aesthetic expression +"Too, too." + +[Illustration: _Queen_. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br /> Here, +Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."] + + * * * * * + +POLITICS UP TO DATE. + +(_SPECIMEN LEADER FROM AN IRISH PAPER IN A CHRONIC STATE OF +REVOLUTION._) + +WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.--We appear this morning awaiting the future with +confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal +on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the +enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours +of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may +arrive when this policy may be reversed. The hour may come-- + +10 A.M.--It has! We have much pleasure in informing our readers that, +after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), we +have conquered. This paper is in our hands, and henceforward we shall +support, to the best of our ability, the Leader of the Party, and +denounce the infamous pretensions of his opponents; still, it would +be unwise to ignore the possibilities of the future. We may be +overpowered by a tyrannical majority. The time may come-- + +11 A.M.--It has! Hurroo! It was hard fighting to get back; but here +we are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents. +For the moment we are victorious, but who shall prophesy what may be +looming in the distant ages? The hour may come-- + +12 NOON.--It has! And now that we have again taken possession, we +must say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs were +flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions, +and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row +entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, and +his opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be +foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come-- + +1 P.M.--It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have just +slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-pots +flew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we make +our remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happening +hereafter. The hour may come-- + +2 P.M.--It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys! +This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--we +mean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo! + + [_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not + otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else + starts a rival and "suppressed" edition._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891. + +_January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was +created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the +Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this +out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away +if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock +teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours +of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On +the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of +PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to +SHERIDAN. + +_February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival. +Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This +said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical +luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary +missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This +capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they +laugh until the end of the month. + +_March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you +take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a +jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the +turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a +hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe +"1801?--the year of my birth!" + +_April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_ +Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the +_Times_. + +_May_.--You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty +date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and +explain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's +Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit +a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebrated +songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles from +London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps +venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like +"lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expect +any one to laugh. + +_June_.--The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and +there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's +Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" are +few and far between, according to WHITAKER. + +_July_.--Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is +also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the +victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause merriment +amongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desert +islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On the 24th the Window +Tax was abolished, of which you may say that although a priceless boon +it was only a _light_ relief. If you can only introduce this really +clever _bon mot_ into a speech at a wedding breakfast, a railway +indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure +to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in +founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement +is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be +tolerated in a mourning coach. + +_August_.--On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves +were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they +husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a +clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the +Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up of an +infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to +which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be +appropriately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." This will be +found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary +Royal Academician living in retirement. + +_September_.--On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. +Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without +loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord +Chancellor born in 1825--the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-_bury_. +A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay +time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly +called "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may +possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or +the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial +hospitality at five o'clock tea. + +_October_.--FIELDING, the novelist, _bowled out_ on the 8th in +1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th--an awful example to habitual +drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story +about the Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot _peasants_ instead! +This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians who +have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush. + +[Illustration: ALWAYS ENTERTAINING; + +OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!] + +_November_.--Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs about +having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take the +chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. Lord Mayor's Day on +the 9th--opportunity for letting off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000 +a Mayor's Nest-egg," &c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular--the +infliction is too serious for jocularity! + +_December_.--Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that most +melancholy of persons "the funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reaches +the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two! +With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a +Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE.--Sir,--Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal +case than appeared in the _Times_ Law Report, December 20th, and which +was entitled "_The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre_ v. _The Justices +of Lancashire_?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a _Bab +Ballad_ in a Pantomime. + + _Solo_. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor + _Chorus_. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee; + _Solo_. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare, + _Chorus_. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee. + +Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be +serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., January 3, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 *** diff --git a/12860-h/12860-h.htm b/12860-h/12860-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8583ee --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/12860-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2342 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, January 3, 1891.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 3, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/1.png" alt="CALENDAR" /></a></div> + + +<table summary="Calendar" align="center" border="1"> + +<tr><td valign="top"><small>JANUARY xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>FEBRUARY xxviii Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>MARCH xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>APRIL xxx Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>MAY xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>JUNE xxx Days.</small></td> + + +</tr> + +<tr><td valign="top"><small> + + 1 Th N. Year's D.<br /> + + 2 F Abydos t.<br /> + + 3 S L. Hunt b.<br /> + + 4 S 2 S. af. Chr.<br /> + + 5 M Sambourne]<br /> + + 6 T Epiphany<br /> + + 7 W Bp. Ely d.<br /> + + 8 Th Cam. L.T.b.<br /> + + 9 F S.r. 8h. 6m.<br /> + +10 S S.s. 4h. 10m.<br /> + +11 S 1 S. af. Epip.<br /> + +12 M Hil. Sit. b.<br /> + +13 Tu B. Cannæ<br /> + +14 W Oxf. L.T. b.<br /> + +15 Th Orsini plot<br /> + +16 F B. Corunna<br /> + +17 S Franklin b.<br /> + +18 S 2 S. af. Epip.<br /> + +19 M Watt b.<br /> + +20 Tu Fabian<br /> + +21 W Agnes<br /> + +22 Th Vincent<br /> + +23 F Pitt d. 1806<br /> + +24 S Fox b. 1749<br /> + +25 S Septuag. S.<br /> + +26 M Brazil disc.<br /> + +27 Tu J. Gibson d.<br /> + +28 W Prescott d.<br /> + +29 Th Capit. Paris<br /> + +30 F Chas. I. bhd.<br /> + +31 S B. Jonson b.<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 S Sexages. S.<br /> + + 2 M B. Lincoln<br /> + + 3 Tu Bassevi d.<br /> + + 4 W S.r. 7h. 36m.<br /> + + 5 Th Galvani d.<br /> + + 6 F S.s. 4h. 56m.<br /> + + 7 S Dickens b.<br /> + + 8 S Quinqu. S.<br /> + + 9 M Darnley m.<br /> + +10 Tu Q.V. marr.<br /> + +11 W Ash. Wed.<br /> + +12 Th Cellini d.<br /> + +13 F Revol. 1688<br /> + +14 S Valentine<br /> + +15 S 1 S. in Lent.<br /> + +16 M Burke exe.<br /> + +17 Tu Braham d.<br /> + +18 W Luther d.<br /> + +19 Th Copernic. b.<br /> + +20 F J. Hume d.<br /> + +21 S Trinidad t.<br /> + +22 S 2 S. in Lent<br /> + +23 M S. Brookes d.<br /> + +24 Tu Matthias<br /> + +25 W Wren d.<br /> + +26 Th T. Moore d.<br /> + +27 F Benevento<br /> + +28 S J. Tenniel<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 S 3 S. in Lent<br /> + + 2 M Wesley d.<br /> + + 3 Tu B. Merton<br /> + + 4 W Somers b.<br /> + + 5 Th S.r. 6h. 39m.<br /> + + 6 F Du Maurier<br /> + + 7 S S.s. 5h. 48m.<br /> + + 8 S 4 S. in Lent<br /> + + 9 M Cobbett b.<br /> + +10 Tu Schiller b.<br /> + +11 W Inc. T. imp.<br /> + +12 Th Gregory<br /> + +13 F Talfourd d.<br /> + +14 S Byng shot<br /> + +15 S 5 S. in Lent<br /> + +16 M Dr. Kent d.<br /> + +17 Tu St. Patrick<br /> + +18 W Suez cnl. op.<br /> + +19 Th Lucknow t.<br /> + +20 F B. Alexand.<br /> + +21 S Benedict<br /> + +22 S Palm S.<br /> + +23 M Nat. Gal. f.<br /> + +24 Tu Q. Eliz. d.<br /> + +25 W Lady Day<br /> + +26 Th D. Camb. b.<br /> + +27 F Good Frid.<br /> + +28 S Cateau<br /> + +29 S East. Sun.<br /> + +30 M Bk. Holiday<br /> + +31 Tu Haydn b.<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 W All Fools<br /> + + 2 Th S.r. 5h. 35m.<br /> + + 3 F S.s. 6h. 34m.<br /> + + 4 S Ambrose bp.<br /> + + 5 S Low Sun.<br /> + + 6 M O. Lady-Day<br /> + + 7 Tu Pr. Leop. b.<br /> + + 8 W B. Savona<br /> + + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex.<br /> + +10 F Cam. E.T. b.<br /> + +11 S Canning d.<br /> + +12 S 2 S. af. Eas.<br /> + +13 M Handel d.<br /> + +14 Tu Prs. Beatr. b.<br /> + +15 W S. Maron.<br /> + +16 Th Thiers b.<br /> + +17 F B. Culloden<br /> + +18 S Graunt d.<br /> + +19 S 3 S. af. Eas.<br /> + +20 M Spa. fl. des.<br /> + +21 Tu Bp. Heber b.<br /> + +22 W Odessa bom.<br /> + +23 Th St. George<br /> + +24 F B. Landrec.<br /> + +25 S Prs. Alice b.<br /> + +26 S 4 S. af. Eas.<br /> + +27 M Gibbon b.<br /> + +28 Tu B. Tours<br /> + +29 W S. Cath. S.<br /> + +30 Th Fitzroy d.<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 F May Day<br /> + + 2 S S.r. 4h. 32m.<br /> + + 3 S Rogation S.<br /> + + 4 M Sering. tkn.<br /> + + 5 Tu S.s. 7h. 27m.<br /> + + 6 W John Evan.<br /> + + 7 Th Holy Thurs.<br /> + + 8 F Le Sage b.<br /> + + 9 S Hf. qr. Day<br /> + +10 S S. af. Ascen.<br /> + +11 M Chatham d.<br /> + +12 Tu Albt. Mem. c.<br /> + +13 W O. May Day<br /> + +14 Th Gratton d.<br /> + +15 F O'Connell d.<br /> + +16 S B. Albuera<br /> + +17 S Whit Sun.<br /> + +18 M Bk. Holiday<br /> + +19 Tu Dunstan<br /> + +20 W Columbus d.<br /> + +21 Th Cawnpore<br /> + +22 F Dasent b.<br /> + +23 S M. Lemon d.<br /> + +24 S Trin. Sun.<br /> + +25 M Pr. Hel. b.<br /> + +26 Tu Augustine<br /> + +27 W Ven. Bede<br /> + +28 Th Corp. Christ.<br /> + +29 F Chas. II. res.<br /> + +30 S Pope d.<br /> + +31 S 1 Sn. af. Tr.<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 M Nicomede<br /> + + 2 Tu Harvey b.<br /> + + 3 W S.r. 3h. 50m.<br /> + + 4 Th S.s. 8h. 7m.<br /> + + 5 F Weber d.<br /> + + 6 S Calpee tkn.<br /> + + 7 S 2 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + + 8 M D. Jerrold d.<br /> + + 9 Tu Paxton d.<br /> + +10 W Heilsberg<br /> + +11 Th Barnabas<br /> + +12 F B. Wilton<br /> + +13 S Hastgs. bhd.<br /> + +14 S 3 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +15 M Mag. Charta<br /> + +16 Tu Wat Tyl. sl.<br /> + +17 W St. Alban<br /> + +18 Th Waterloo<br /> + +19 F B. Wavres<br /> + +20 S Q. Vic. Ac.<br /> + +21 S 4 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +22 M B. Pered<br /> + +23 Tu B. Plassy<br /> + +24 W Midsm. D.<br /> + +25 Th B. Altivia<br /> + +26 F Geo. IV. d.<br /> + +27 S Cairo tkn.<br /> + +28 S 5 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +29 M St. Peter<br /> + +30 Tu Roscoe d.</small></td></tr> + + + +<tr><td valign="top"><small>JULY xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>AUGUST xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>SEPTEMBER xxx Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>OCTOBER xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>NOVEMBER xxx Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>DECEMBER xxxi Days.</small></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td valign="top"><small> + + 1 W B. Boyne<br /> + + 2 Th S.r. 3h. 50m.<br /> + + 3 F B. Sadowa<br /> + + 4 S S.s. 8h. 17m.<br /> + + 5 S 6 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + + 6 M Old Mid. D.<br /> + + 7 Tu J. Huss bt.<br /> + + 8 W A. Smith d.<br /> + + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex.<br /> + +10 F Bp. Fell d.<br /> + +11 S B. Ouden<br /> + +12 S 7 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +13 M D. Orleans d.<br /> + +14 Tu Bastile des.<br /> + +15 W St. Swithin<br /> + +16 Th Beranger d.<br /> + +17 F Punch b. '41<br /> + +18 S Sherlock d.<br /> + +19 S 8 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +20 M Margaret<br /> + +21 Tu R. Burns d.<br /> + +22 W Salamanca<br /> + +23 Th Lyonet b.<br /> + +24 F Gibral. tkn.<br /> + +25 S St. James<br /> + +26 S 9 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +27 M Talavera<br /> + +28 Tu Robesp. exe.<br /> + +29 W B. Beylau<br /> + +30 Th W. Penn d.<br /> + +31 F E. Pease d.</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 S Lammas<br /> + + 2 S 10 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + + 3 M Bk. Holiday<br /> + + 4 Tu Oystr. Sea. c.<br /> + + 5 W S.r. 4h. 31m.<br /> + + 6 Th Dk. Edn. b.<br /> + + 7 F S.s. 7h. 37m.<br /> + + 8 S Otway b.<br /> + + 9 S 11 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +10 M C. Keene b.<br /> + +11 Tu Trin. Sit. c.<br /> + +12 W Grouse s.b.<br /> + +13 Th O. Lammas<br /> + +14 F Ld. Clyde d.<br /> + +15 S W. Scott b.<br /> + +16 S 12 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +17 M Ad. Blake d.<br /> + +18 Tu B. Spurs<br /> + +19 W Ozontero<br /> + +20 Th Saragossa<br /> + +21 F Blck. Ck. s.b.<br /> + +22 S B. Bosworth<br /> + +23 S 13 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +24 M S. Bartholo.<br /> + +25 Tu J. Watt d.<br /> + +26 W P. Cons. b.<br /> + +27 Th Thomson d.<br /> + +28 F B. Leipsic<br /> + +29 S Jno. Bp. bh.<br /> + +30 S 14 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +31 M Bunyan d.</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 Tu Part. sh. e.<br /> + + 2 W Capit. Sedan<br /> + + 3 Th S.r. 5 h. 17 m.<br /> + + 4 F S.s. 6 h. 39 m.<br /> + + 5 S Comte d.<br /> + + 6 S 15 S. af. Tr.<br /> + + 7 M Eunurchus<br /> + + 8 Tu Nat. B.V.M.<br /> + + 9 W B. Flodden<br /> + +10 Th B. Quesnoy<br /> + +11 F S. of Delhi<br /> + +12 S O.P. Riots<br /> + +13 S 16 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +14 M Holy Cross<br /> + +15 Tu B. Rajghur<br /> + +16 W Jas. II. d.<br /> + +17 Th Lambert<br /> + +18 F Geo. I. land.<br /> + +19 S B. Poitiers<br /> + +20 S 17 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +21 M St. Matth.<br /> + +22 Tu Virgil d.<br /> + +23 W Autn. Q. b.<br /> + +24 Th S. Butler d.<br /> + +25 F Porson d.<br /> + +26 S St. Cyprian<br /> + +27 S 18 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +28 M Nicopolis<br /> + +29 Tu Mich. Day<br /> + +30 W St. Jerome</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 Th Cam. M.T. b.<br /> + + 2 F Arago d.<br /> + + 3 S S.r. 6 h. 6 m.<br /> + + 4 S 19 S. af. Tr.<br /> + + 5 M S.s. 5 h. 28 m.<br /> + + 6 Tu Faith<br /> + + 7 W Abp. Laud b.<br /> + + 8 Th B. Actium<br /> + + 9 F St. Denys<br /> + +10 S Ox. M.T. b.<br /> + +11 S 20 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +12 M America d.<br /> + +13 Tu Edw. Conf.<br /> + +14 W B. Senlac<br /> + +15 Th Fire Ins. ex.<br /> + +16 F Soissons t.<br /> + +17 S Etheldreda<br /> + +18 S 21 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +19 M Kneller d.<br /> + +20 Tu B. Navarino<br /> + +21 W Trafalgar<br /> + +22 Th B. Edge Hill<br /> + +23 F Irish Reb.<br /> + +24 S P. Leigh d.<br /> + +25 S 22 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +26 M Danton b.<br /> + +27 Tu Cap. Cook b.<br /> + +28 W J. Locke d.<br /> + +29 Th J. Leech d.<br /> + +30 F Tower brnt.<br /> + +31 S All Hallows</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 S 23 S. af. Tr.<br /> + + 2 M All Souls<br /> + + 3 Tu Fall of Acre<br /> + + 4 W Will. III. b.<br /> + + 5 Th S.r. 7h. 3m.<br /> + + 6 F S.s. 4h. 23m.<br /> + + 7 S B. Mooltan<br /> + + 8 S 24 S. af. Tr.<br /> + + 9 M P. of Wls. b.<br /> + +10 Tu M. Luther b.<br /> + +11 W St. Martin<br /> + +12 Th Hf. qr. Day<br /> + +13 F Britius<br /> + +14 S Leibnitz d.<br /> + +15 S 25 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +16 M J. Bright b.<br /> + +17 Tu Hugh Bp. L.<br /> + +18 W Wilkie b.<br /> + +19 Th B. Arcola<br /> + +20 F Ld. Elgin d.<br /> + +21 S J. Hogg d.<br /> + +22 S 26 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +23 M St. Clemen.<br /> + +24 Tu J. Knox d.<br /> + +25 W Chantrey d.<br /> + +26 Th G. Grisi d.<br /> + +27 F De. Teck b.<br /> + +28 S Bunsen d.<br /> + +29 S 1 S. in Adv.<br /> + +30 M Burnand b.]</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 Tu Prs. Wls. b.<br /> + + 2 W B. Austerl.<br /> + + 3 Th Bradbury b.<br /> + + 4 F Richelieu d.<br /> + + 5 S S.r. 7h. 51m.<br /> + + 6 S 2 S. in Adv.<br /> + + 7 M S.s. 3h. 50m.<br /> + + 8 Tu Baxter d.<br /> + + 9 W Vandyke d.<br /> + +10 Th Milton b.<br /> + +11 F Jno. Gay d.<br /> + +12 S Cibber d.<br /> + +13 S 3 S. in Adv.<br /> + +14 M P. Cons. d.<br /> + +15 Tu I. Walton d.<br /> + +16 W V. Weber b.<br /> + +17 Th Oxf. M.T. e.<br /> + +18 F D. 7 h. 46 m.<br /> + +19 S Cam. M.T. e.<br /> + +20 S 4 S. in Adv.<br /> + +21 M St. Thomas<br /> + +22 Tu Win. Q. b.<br /> + +23 W Jas. II. abd.<br /> + +24 Th Christ. Eve<br /> + +25 F Christ. Day<br /> + +26 S Bk. Holiday<br /> + +27 S Sun. af. Chr.<br /> + +28 M Innocents<br /> + +29 Tu Stafford ex.<br /> + +30 W Pegu anxd.<br /> + +31 Th Silvester</small></td></tr> + +</table> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + +<h2>TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>As they will probably be advertised in the Press of the day after +to-morrow.</i>)</h4> + +<p>EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.—Reserved +gallows seats, immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear +view of the dying struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's +last confession; Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, +ditto, three guineas. (8.30 A.M.)</p> + +<p>TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner. +Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense +excitement. A few special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable +(including "snack" luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding +front view of the Judge when summing-up, and close sight +of the prisoner's facial play during the passing of sentence, &c, +(11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in their places not later than 10.30.)</p> + +<p>GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.—Additional +Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great +criminals from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital +Punishments in all Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations +(3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture +Chamber in full work. Grand Execution Tableaux, +in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments +inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. +(3 o'clock and 6.30.) <i>Auto-da-Fé</i> at 2.30 and 7. +Admission One Shilling. Children under +eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats +(inclusive of all Shows) One Guinea. +Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand +persons, chiefly Ladies, passed the +turnstiles last Wednesday.)</p> + +<p>PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION +AT THE SENSATIONAL +SURGICAL SOCIETY'S ROOMS.—Exhibition +of the droll +effects of Curari upon +subjects under the knife, +and the actual cautery. +No annoying noise, or +disconcerting struggles! +Bulgarian Band will +play Popular Pieces. +(3 P.M.)</p> + +<p>BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.—Full +Spanish Programme this +day. Absolutely no restrictions! +Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors killed last +week, and seven seriously +injured. No deception! +Extra fierce bulls to-day, and consequent +prospect of +HIGHLY SENSATIONAL SCENES IN THE +ARENA!!! Admission, +1<i>s.</i> to £5 5<i>s.</i> Specially +Reserved Front Seats for +Ladies, £7 7<i>s.</i> (3 P.M., and 8.30.)</p> + +<p>IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.—Phonographic +Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of +Criminals. Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial +(Women especially). Reports of Cases tried <i>in Camerâ</i>. Private +Conversations of parties to <i>Causes Célèbres</i>, &c., &c., &c. Highly +realistic revelations, and Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, +Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.)</p> + +<p>PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.—NOW open daily. Admission +by private card only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is +compulsory). Two Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction +of pictures in Special Art Sanctum, £10 10<i>s.</i> (10 till 4 only.)</p> + +<p>GHOUL THEATRE.—<i>The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, +The Demon of Dahomey</i>! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in +Five Acts, and a Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! +The Torture!! The Tub!!! Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed +Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders and Side-splitting Suicides! +Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and Tremendous Thrills of +Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence at 8.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30!</p> +<p>The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5!</p> +<p class="i10"> Carriages at 11.10!</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and +still crowded with the <i>élite</i> of Fashion! Be in time!!!</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/2.png" alt="LITERARY STARS." /></a><h3>"LITERARY STARS."</h3></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.</h2> + +<p><i>January</i>.—Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception +<i>en route</i>.</p> + +<p><i>February</i>.—Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at +Dover. Triumphant progress to London.</p> + +<p><i>March</i>.—Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the +Freedom of the City.</p> + +<p><i>April</i>.—Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers +on every side, and unlimited hospitality.</p> + +<p><i>May</i>.—Lion of the London Season. Hundreds +of nightly invitations.</p> + +<p><i>June</i>.—Gaiety from morning to night. Universal +recognition of distinguished conduct.</p> + +<p><i>July</i>.—Phenomenal success of book of travels +and adventures.</p> + +<p><i>August</i>.—Popularity at its height everywhere, +save in town, which now begins to empty.</p> + +<p><i>September</i>.—Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.</p> + +<p><i>October</i>.—Unpleasantness on the increase. +Interviewing, letters to the papers, and sensational +journalism generally.</p> + +<p><i>November</i>.—Demonstration at the Lord +Mayor's Show. Charges, counter-charges, and +recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, +strongly recommended row.</p> + +<p><i>December</i>.—Fresh sensation (about a +murder or a charitable scheme) and everything +forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe +a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.</h3> + +<p><i>Emperor of R-ss-a</i>.—To personally visit Siberia.</p> + +<p><i>King of It-ly</i>.—To come to terms with the Vatican.</p> + +<p><i>Emperor of G-rm-ny</i>.—To stay at home.</p> + +<p><i>King of P-rtug-l</i>.—To accept the situation in Africa.</p> + +<p><i>President C-rn-t</i>.—To forget the existence of Egypt.</p> + +<p><i>King of Sp-n</i>.—To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.</p> + +<p><i>Emperor of A-str-a</i>.—Between Kingdom and Empire, to make +both ends meet.</p> + +<p><i>Lord S-l-sb-ry</i>.—To prepare for the General Election.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Gl-dst-ne</i>.—To explain Home Rule.</p> + +<p><i>Lord R. Ch-rch-ll</i>.—To give up racing in favour of politics.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. H.M. St-nl-y</i>.—To re-write <i>Darkest Africa</i>.</p> + +<p><i>General B-th</i>.—To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s</i>.—To attend to his professional duties, +and get through his official work.</p> + +<p><i>And Mr. P-nch</i>.—To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a +century.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.—Should Mr. WILSON +BARRETT contemplate giving another <i>Matinée</i> of that out-of-date +play, <i>The Lady of Lyons</i>, why not change its title to <i>The Old +Lady of Lyons</i>? No extra charge for this suggestion.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.—Police Protection to TIM HEALY.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/3.png" alt="MODERN VERSION OF 'PAUL AND VIRGINIA.'" /></a><h3>MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."</h3></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + +<h3>THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +SCENE—<i>The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs are +heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all kinds, +which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while the men +rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded corner,</i> +Mr. NIGHTINGALE <i>and</i> MISS ROSE <i>are conversing in whispers.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i> (<i>Stage-Manager and Organiser—self-appointed</i>). +No—but I say, <i>really</i>, you know, we <i>must</i> try and decide on +something—we've +been out half an hour, and the people will be getting +impatient! (<i>To the Ladies</i>.) Do come and help; it's really no +use dressing up till we've settled what we're going <i>to do</i>. Can't +<i>anybody</i> think of a good Word?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Larkspur</i>. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with +the same plot and characters all through. We did that once at +the Grange, and it was awfully good—just like a regular Comedy!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i>. Ah, but we've got to hit on <i>a Word</i> first. +Come—nobody +got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over +<i>there</i>, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting +your heads together?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Nightingale</i> (<i>confused</i>). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, +ah—yes, we've thought of a <i>lot</i> of Words.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Rose</i>. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>They resume their conversation</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, +won't <i>you</i> give us a Word?</p> + +<p><i>Chorus of Ladies</i>. Oh, <i>do</i>, Professor—you're sure to think of +something clever!</p> + +<p><i>Professor Pollen</i> (<i>modestly</i>). Well, really, I've so little experience +in these matters that—A Word <i>has</i> just occurred to me, +however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet with +approval—(<i>he beams at them with modest pride through his +spectacles</i>)—it's "Monocotyledonous."</p> + +<p><i>Chorus of Ladies</i>. Charming! Monocottle—Oh, can't we <i>do</i> +that?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>dubiously</i>). We might—but—er—what's it +<i>mean</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Prof. Pollen</i>. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant +which has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with <i>two</i> +are termed—</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only +one seed-lobe myself—and then the syllables—"mon"—"oh"—"cot"—"till"—we +shouldn't get done before <i>midnight</i>, you know!</p> + +<p><i>Prof. Pollen</i> (<i>With mild pique</i>). Well, I merely threw it out as a +suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I +was wrong; no doubt.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Settee</i> (<i>nervously</i>). I've thought of a word. How +would—er—"<i>Familiar</i>" do?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>severely</i>). Now, <i>really</i>. SETTEE, <i>do</i> try not to +footle like +this! [Mr. SETTEE <i>subsides amidst general disapproval</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Flinders</i>. (<i>With a flash of genius</i>). I've got it—<i>Gamboge</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:—"Gam"—"booge." +How do you see it yourself?</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[Mr. FLINDERS <i>discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see it, and +the suggestion is allowed to drop</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Miss Pelagia Rhys</i>. <i>I've</i> an idea. <i>Familiar!</i> +"Fame"—"ill"—"<i>liar</i>," +you know. [<i>Chorus of applause.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Capital! The very thing—congratulate you, Miss RHYS!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Settee</i> (<i>sotto voce</i>). But I say, look here, <i>I</i> suggested +that, +you know, and you said—!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>ditto</i>). What on earth <i>does</i> it matter who suggests +it, so +long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (<i>Aloud</i>.) How are we +going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE <i>sulks</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a +Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making +a lot of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing +the Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat inside +out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by way of +indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn themselves +with a similar regard to realism, and even more care +for appearances.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<h4>AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +<i>The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed +by faint applause</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (<i>No +response.</i>) +You might have played up to me a little more than you did—you +others. You let me do everything!</p> + +<p><i>Miss Larkspur</i>. You never let any of us get a word in!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Because you all talked at once, that was all. +Now then—"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to +me one by one, and say you're <i>ill</i>—see?</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a dressing-gown +and an old yeomanry helmet</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i> (<i>huffily</i>). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with +the audience—I'm no use <i>here</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential +butler, and show the patients in.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[Mr. W. <i>accepts—with a view to showing</i> PUSHINGTON <i>that other +people can act as well as he</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<h4>AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.</h4> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Seemed to <i>drag</i> a little, somehow! There was +no necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A +Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i>. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to +put some fun in <i>somewhere</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. P.</i> Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. +Nobody laughed.</p> + +<p><i>Professor Pollen</i>. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I +was describing my symptoms—which I can vouch for as scientifically +correct—you persisted in kicking my legs under the table—it was +unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. I was only trying to hint to you that as there +were a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview +short, Professor—that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Buckram</i>. If I had known the kind of questions you were +going to ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have +exposed myself to them. I say no more, but I must positively decline +to appear with you again.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets +carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c., +&c.—<i>until</i> +Miss BUCKRAM <i>is partly mollified</i>.) Now then—last syllable. +Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and all of you +come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that +screamingly funny!</p> + +<h4>AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.</h4> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Muddled? Of <i>course</i> it was muddled—you all +called me a liar before I opened my mouth!</p> + +<p><i>The Rest</i>.—But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we +<i>had</i> to bring the Word in somehow.</p> + +<p><i>Pushington</i>. Bring it in?—but you needn't have let it <i>out</i>. +There was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We +must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again +(<i>muttering</i>). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't +understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + +<h4>AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.</h4> + +<p><i>General Murmur</i>. What <i>can</i> it be? Not <i>Turk</i>, I suppose, +or +Magician?—Quarrelling?—Parnellite?—Impertinence? Shall we +give it up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if +we don't, they'll do another; and it is getting <i>so</i> late, and such a +<i>long</i> drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, +indeed, we can't <i>imagine. "Familiar</i>!" To be sure—<i>how</i> clever, +and <i>how</i> well you all acted it, to be sure—you must be quite tired +after it all. I am sure <i>we</i>—hem—are deeply indebted to you ... My +dear Miss ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I +never recognised you a bit, nor <i>you</i>, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part +did <i>you</i> take?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Nightingale</i>. I—er—didn't take any particular part—wasn't +wanted, you know.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Rose</i>. Not to <i>act</i>,—so we stayed outside +and—and—arranged things.</p> + +<p><i>An Old Lady</i>. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none +of the pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Rose</i> (<i>sweetly</i>). Oh no. I mean yes!—but we didn't <i>mind</i> +it much.</p> + +<p><i>The O.L.</i> And which of you settled what the Word was to be?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. N.</i> Well, I believe we settled that together.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not of +the house-party. In the Smoking-room</i>, Mr. PUSHINGTON +<i>discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the +other men, and puts it down to jealousy</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.</h2> + +<p>We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our +principel Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, +and may it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one +cheer more for the bewtifool LADY MARESS, +and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, +we Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows +our dooty to the fairer and weaker sects +quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. +I next perposed the City Livvery +Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as +ort for to be printed and sircculated. I +had serttenly given a good deal of atention +to it, and praps shood have dun ewen +better if I hadn't quite forgot ewery word +of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, +was all about the lots of money as they +gives away. But I remembred all about +their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting to my +hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, +of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus +Dinners of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally +cause a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat +and xquisit a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was +werry considerabel diffrens of opinion about their warious choice +wines, but all agreed in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, +the trew libberality with which they was served, and not poured +out so close as to make the pore Waiter's dooty a thirsty and +tanterlising one indeed.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/4-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-1.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<p>We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not +forgettin the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody +knows as is anybody, and drank to their great success, for +werry ewident reesons.</p> + +<p>Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the +reckless ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, +as how as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was +to hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely +called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more +manly employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly +forgave him, more specially as he stands six foot one in his +stockings, let alone his boots. However he made up for his bad +manners by singing with his capital voice, his new Song of "<i>Old +Robert the Waiter</i>" being a rayther complementary Parody, as he +called it, upon "<i>Old Simon the Cellerer</i>," which was receeved with +emense aplause. So he gave, as an arncore, the Waiter's favrite +Glee of "<i>Mynear Van Dunk</i>," with its fine conwincing moral against +Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish.</p> + +<p>BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by +singing his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and +we sort our seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as +his Lordship hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the +follering sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May +all the well to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a +Crismus as we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind +thort, and a liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly +wants it this bitter weather." ROBERT.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:28%;"><a href="images/4-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-2.png" alt="" /></a>Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.</div> + +<p>MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY +JERUM," is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, +entitled <i>Told After Supper</i>. What he wants, that is, what he +ought to have whether he wants it or not, is judicious +editing. Had this process been applied to this eccentric +haphazardy book, scarcely more than a third +of it would have been published. "His style, in this +book at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I +say the same of his <i>Three Men in a Tub</i>, suggests the +idea of his writing being the work of a young man +who, among his companions +and admirers, has earned the reputation of being a 'deuced funny +chap,' and so has to struggle to live up to this reputation, or to live +it down." JERUMKY JERUM still somewhat affects Yankee humour, +not, however, in so forced and vulgar a manner as in his overpraised +<i>Three Men in a Boat</i>. Two of the Ghost Stories are +humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they been +introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very +palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's +night) brought in his story of <i>Tom Smart</i>, and of the inimitable +<i>Gabriel Grub</i>, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably +enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels—sandwich'd in +between heavy slabs of doughy material—stand a chance of not +being tasted. To anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, +"read about the Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and +EMILY. The tinted paper on which it is printed is a mistake, as +are also most of the amateurish illustrations."</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/4-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-3.png" alt="Goblins." /></a>Goblins.</div> + +<p><i>WOMAN</i>—not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"—nor woman +who in our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But +Woman, the weekly <i>Woman</i> who is doing uncommonly well and +in her fifty-third number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea +of a Christmas dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very +good and simple dinner it was. The same <i>Woman</i> gave also, among +a variety of next-day's treatments of Turkey, <i>Turkey in Aspic</i>, +Turkey in Europe, and Turkey in Asia—yes—but what about +"Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't look well; much better in French. +But we dare say it's very good, though, for breakfast or supper, +"devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat."</p> + +<p>I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested +me muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his +writings, though I do not remember ever having heard +the titles of his works mentioned, that, when a neat-looking +volume was sent me by Messrs. PATERSON & Co. +of <i>Leigh Hunt's Tales</i>, I anticipated great pleasure +from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in +anticipation. I have tried, as the song says, "A little +bit here, and a little bit there—Here a bit, +There a bit, And everywhere +a bit,"—but, hang me, says the Baron, if I can tackle any +one of them. The matter doesn't interest me, and the style doesn't +fascinate me. This may be rank heresy, but I can't help it. I +have tried, and failed. Well, better to have tried, and failed, than +never to have tried at all. But I shan't try again,—at least, not +on this collection of Tales.</p> + +<p>BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.—A good collection of pictures and +sculpture—including +works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, +ALFRED GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others—is on view at the +Royal Arcade Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for +the benefit of the family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young +sculptor, who died only a few weeks ago. Lots more to say, but +you won't stand it, and will probably say, "<i>Par! si bête</i>!" So no +more at present from yours par-entally, OLD PAR.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.—A Sheriff's Officer: a +Writ-ualist.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> + +<h2>A FORECAST FOR 1891.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>Being some Extracts from the Gloomy Outlooker's Diary.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/5-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/5-1.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Old Sol</i>. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. P.</i> "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"</p></div> + +<p><i>January</i>.—Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London +"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, +the fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15<i>s.</i> Milk, 10<i>s.</i> +the half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to +secure the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out +the Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of +coals. The Three per Cents go down to 35.</p> + +<p><i>February</i>.—Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis +makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, +crosses Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large +centre terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a +mile in Piccadilly.</p> + +<p><i>March</i>.—Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played +at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking +Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are +carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital.</p> + +<p><i>April</i>.—Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large +metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen +waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire +brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish the +flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the +holders of gas shares.</p> + +<p><i>May</i>.—The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute +stage. The "Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" +being patted on the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, +and seize the Stock Exchange and the Mansion House.</p> + +<p><i>June</i>.—The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter +stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of +England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation to +celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in returning +thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the takings" +of their hosts must have been "enormous."</p> + +<p><i>July</i>.—Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. +Triumphant return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed +themselves immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to +having another innings at "the way out."</p> + +<p><i>August</i>.—The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to +stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the hundred-ton +guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a shell +into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, bursting +itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of a letter in +the <i>Times</i> from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the matter will +be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department.</p> + +<p><i>September</i>.—A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several +Hotchkiss guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, +exceed the known figures of any previous <i>battue</i> to such an extent +that birds sell in Bond Street at <i>3d</i>. a brace, with the result that +the whole of Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the +next seven years.</p> + +<p><i>October</i>.—The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to +be got anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament +meet the "food" crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative +Society, and bring up their own cattle to London. Being, however, +unable to kill them professionally without the aid of a butcher, +they blow them up with gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, +for which proceedings they are somewhat maliciously +prosecuted by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.</p> + +<p><i>November</i>.—The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, +several Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a +tour of their immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, +thereby realising a very handsome sum in halfpence from a not +unsympathetic public.</p> + +<p><i>December</i>.—First signs of a probable second edition of a "good +old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence. +Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only +frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891 +terminates in gloomy despair.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>EDWIN AND ANGELINA.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>One More Version.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="figright" style="width:18%;"><a href="images/5-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/5-2.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—I beg of you to hear my tale of woe,</p> +<p>My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know;</p> +<p>How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted,</p> +<p>And I am left to shed a tear—alone, and broken-hearted.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We were engaged for eighteen months—he often said that life</p> +<p>Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife.</p> +<p>My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle,"</p> +<p>He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea—</p> +<p>She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me.</p> +<p>I thought him quite a model youth—hard-working, loyal, steady,</p> +<p>A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.",</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known</p> +<p>Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own."</p> +<p>It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely,</p> +<p>Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm,</p> +<p>I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm;</p> +<p>So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever,</p> +<p>But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He only called me darling once! how different from before!</p> +<p>Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)?</p> +<p>And was he tired of me—the girl he loved so fondly, dearly?</p> +<p>It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes—was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove?</p> +<p>You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love!</p> +<p>I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly,</p> +<p>That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast</p> +<p>Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best;</p> +<p>And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly,</p> +<p>But it <i>was</i> more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The truth was clear—I quickly sent him back his lovely <i>cartes</i>,</p> +<p>His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts.</p> +<p>I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried—</p> +<p>And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know,</p> +<p>You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go.</p> +<p>And if you know, dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, a husband, say you've seen a</p> +<p>Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>ANGELINA.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?—Under the +beneficent influence of the early coal dews—subsequently spelt coal +dues—which have existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan +Improvements have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks +to ignorant, but well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues +being abolished, up goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there +is no surplus for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of +coal dues were considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, +"Hard times, come again once more!"</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/6.png" alt="" /></a><h3>PRIG-STICKING.</h3> + +<p><i>Little Prigson</i>. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST +OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS +SISTAH'S <i>QUITE</i> THE NICEST GIRL I EVER MET."</p> + +<p><i>Aunt Eliza</i>. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU <i>MIGHT</i> +HAVE HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL +EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF <i>PRESENT COMPANY</i>!"</p> + +<p><i>Cousin Maud</i>. "YES; IN <i>BOTH</i> CASES, YOU KNOW!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"</h2> + +<p><i>Mr. Punch, loquitur</i>:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy,</p> +<p class="i2">Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily,</p> +<p>'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy,</p> +<p class="i4">At least, you're beginning most merrily.</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> You make a good start, anyhow.</p> +<p class="i2">With a kiss from the lips that can never betray,</p> +<p class="i2">There's many a girl would be greeted <i>that</i> way!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You're welcome, my lad! It is <i>Punch's</i> old style</p> +<p class="i2">To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers;</p> +<p>In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile,</p> +<p class="i4"><i>His</i> warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers!</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow.</p> +<p class="i2">He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Sursum corda</i>! That motto's the best of the bunch;</p> +<p class="i2">Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker.</p> +<p>Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from <i>Punch</i>,</p> +<p class="i4">Never helped one in heart or exchequer,</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> You cannot do better, I vow,</p> +<p class="i2">Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule,</p> +<p class="i2">As your very first tip in your very first school.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad?</p> +<p class="i2">And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus,</p> +<p>Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad.</p> +<p class="i4">How well the Venusian knows us!</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> <i>He</i> never kissed maid, but somehow</p> +<p class="i2">Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine</p> +<p class="i2">With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch,</p> +<p class="i2">(Though sometimes my <i>bâton</i> must play—on rogues' shoulders.)</p> +<p>Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch</p> +<p class="i4">By Orbilian smiters and scolders.</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> A kiss is best treatment, I trow.</p> +<p class="i2">A salute from the lips of your <i>Punch</i> you'll not spurn,</p> +<p class="i2">And the young guests around you shall each take a turn.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear,</p> +<p class="i2">There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon,</p> +<p>But—well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year</p> +<p class="i4">As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on.</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> You look mighty kissable—now.</p> +<p class="i2">So here goes another, for luck like, my dear,</p> +<p class="i2">As we wish everybody A Happy New Year!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Old Morality's Christmas Card and New Year Wishes.</h3> + +<p>This communication is designed to convey the expression of the +wish that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those +not distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed +a season of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve +months, upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with +Happiness. (<i>Signed</i>) W.H.S.</p> + +<p><i>Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve</i>, 1890.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the +title and name of BISHOP KING.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" src="images/7.png" alt="A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" /></a><h3>"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"</h3></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/9-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-1.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE."</h3> + +"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I +propose to make a few additions to my usual +forensic costume."—<i>Extract from a Letter of +Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend</i>.</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE END OF THE YEAR.</h2> + +<p>To a Friend,</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Do you remember how we sat,</p> +<p class="i2">We two, in this same room together</p> +<p>Last year, and talked of this and that,</p> +<p class="i2">And warmed our toes and cursed the weather?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud</p> +<p class="i2">(We both smoked briars, I remember),</p> +<p>And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed</p> +<p class="i2">To do or die ere next December?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We spoke without respect of BEN,</p> +<p class="i2">BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly;</p> +<p><i>Now</i> BEN bamboozles jurymen,</p> +<p class="i2">And makes his thousand guineas yearly.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We both despised the wretched JOE,</p> +<p class="i2">My fag at school, your butt at College.</p> +<p>Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow,</p> +<p class="i2">Choked with absurdly useful knowledge.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet JOE assists to give us laws,</p> +<p class="i2">Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form,</p> +<p>'Midst empty thunders of applause,</p> +<p class="i2">Erect on many a Tory platform.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And poor, inconsequential JACK,</p> +<p class="i2">His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's,</p> +<p>Has married money, keeps a hack,</p> +<p class="i2">And has a big account at COUTTS's.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square,</p> +<p class="i2">And DICK is noted for his dinners—</p> +<p>Life is a race, but was it fair,</p> +<p class="i2">We asked, that <i>these</i> should be the winners?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We, too, would win; and Heaven knows</p> +<p class="i2">What vows we uttered fiery-hearted,</p> +<p>While '89 drew to its close,</p> +<p class="i2">And '90 found us—so we parted.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<hr class="short" /> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And here, good lack, while '90 wanes,</p> +<p class="i2">Our candles flaring in their sockets,</p> +<p>We sit once more and count our gains—</p> +<p class="i2">Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends;</p> +<p class="i2">Men prate of wealth in empty words, I</p> +<p>Sit here content as '90 ends.</p> +<p class="i2">And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2> + +<h4>SEASONABLE.</h4> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating +and explosive Stimulant.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal +Restorer.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping +baby instantly flying out of the +cradle.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid +Grandfather suddenly mount to +the fifth storey by leaps and bounds.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate +influenza.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache +into delirium.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows +up the brain tissues.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole +household on the sneeze.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever +in the Infant School.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the +Hippopotamus.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief +Justice off the Bench.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the +dentist.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop +dancing a break-down.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher +into a Lunatic Asylum.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising +Politician.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation +of the Prime Minister.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler +cab-horse win the Derby.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor +for Practical Jokers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely +relied on by Master TOMMY.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the +baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into +the Soup at a dinner-party, will lead +to a serious riot in the dining-room.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in +a sandwich, will choke an Uncle.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general +disorganiser of every Household.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.—A Pinch will +thoroughly banish sleep for a whole +fortnight.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.—"An Octogenarian +Consumer" writes:—"I was +in a comatose condition for twenty years, +when I came across your Pepper. I had +scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my +arm-chair, and have danced a continual fandango +ever since. I carry it loose in all my +pockets, and scatter it on all my friends +whenever I meet them. This has got me +kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I +do not in the least mind. I'm as merry and +as mad as a March hare—and your Pepper has done it."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.—The Proprietors +beg to inform their Friends and +Patrons that they can supply this highly +combustible and explosive compound in +felt safety cases, carefully packed at their +bomb-proof establishment in Barking Marshes, +at the usual retail prices, viz., 1<i>s.</i> 1-1/2<i>d.</i>, +2<i>s.</i> 9<i>d.</i>, 11<i>s.</i>, 21<i>s.</i>, and 31<i>s.</i> +6<i>d.</i>, &c, &c.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/9-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-2.png" alt="Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time." /></a>Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.</div> + +<p>Dear Mr. Punch,—I venture to address +you on a subject that I feel sure will enlist +your kind attention and sympathy. How am +I to get through Yule Tide? Ought I to give +up the dispatch of "cards," or ought I to send +them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances? +If I drop the custom, people who +like me will think I am outting them, and +persons with whom I am less popular will +imagine that economy, not to say meanness, +is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post +Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense," +and <i>do</i> send the cards. Well, I am in this +position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty +to get a suitable greeting to all those +who receive my annual benediction. If I +have "Wishing you and yours every happiness," +with my appended name and address +lithographed, the greeting seems cold, and +even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a +favourite Maiden Aunt; and unduly familiar +if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for +the first time in my life the day before +yesterday. Then if I trust to the ordinary +Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at +a loss to select an appropriate recipient for a +nestful of owls, or the picture of a Clown +touching up an elderly gentleman of highly +respectable appearance with a red-hot poker! +If I get a representation of flowers, the chances +are ten to one that the accompanying lines +are of a compromising character. It is +obviously cruel to send to a recently-widowed +Uncle some verses about "<i>Darby and Joan</i>," +and my Mother-in-law is not likely to feel +complimented if I forward to her a poetically +expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter +place than her own home—away, of +course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these +are the problems that meet the would-be Yule +Tide card distributer at every turn! I remain, +my dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, yours sincerely,</p> + +<p>ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW.</p> + +<p>P.S.—If this arrives late, thank the cards +that have overtaxed the postal arrangements.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The United Service Diary for 1891.</h3> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/9-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-3.png" alt="Extremes Meet." /></a>Extremes Meet.</div> + +<p><i>January to March</i>.—Soldiers +on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper.</p> + +<p><i>April to June</i>.—Soldiers at play. +Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper.</p> + +<p><i>July to September</i>.—Soldiers at +sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors +at play (<i>ditto</i>). Civil Servants away (<i>ditto</i>).</p> + +<p><i>October to December</i>.—Soldiers on leave. +Sailors at sea. Civil Servants reading the morning paper.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" src="images/10.png" alt="FOLLIES OF THE YEAR." /></a><h3>FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.</h3></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> + +<h2>IN THE LATEST STYLE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Our Intrepid Interviewer.</i>)</h4> + +<p>Feeling that your readers would be interested +in learning Mr. CHOSE's own view of +the unpleasant affair, I called upon the +distinguished Arctic Explorer just as he was +sitting down to breakfast.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I +asked, "that you stole the umbrellas?"</p> + +<p>The face of the warrior flushed angrily, +for a moment, and then regaining his composure, +he replied that he could not see the +point of possessing himself of articles that +would be absolutely valueless in those +extremely northern latitudes.</p> + +<p>"That is not the question," I persisted. +"I am sure you will forgive me, when you +remember that I speak in the name of the +Public; but what I want, and what they want +to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas? +Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No."</p> + +<p>"I don't see what either you or they have +to do with it," replied the Arctic Explorer, +cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a +matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do +with any of the luggage of the expedition. +So, if it is said, that I walked about with a +shower-protector that was not my own, you +can value the story for what it is worth. +Why, on the very face of it, the report is +ridiculous!"</p> + +<p>"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the +world is uncharitable. However, Mr. CHOSE, +perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your +friend and colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted +an aged Esquimaux into what he termed +Iced Greenlander?"</p> + +<p>'I have heard the story, certainly; but +cannot say whether it +is true or not. When the incident is alleged +to have happened, I was in another part of the +country, having been sent there to change +novels at the local circulating library."</p> + +<p>"But would you say it was probable?"</p> + +<p>"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, +chivalrous, merry, gladsome, gallant +young fellow. He was the soul of honour. +Why," he added, with deep emotion, "I have +left as much as fourpence in coppers on a +mantel-piece alone with him, and on my +return nave found every halfpenny of the +money untouched!"</p> + +<p>"Then do you not think he pushed the old +man into the sausage-machine?"</p> + +<p>"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, +or to win a wager, or perhaps as +practical joke. That he would do anything open to censure at the +hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely incredible. Why, he +is a Loamshire man!"</p> + +<p>"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have +finished your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. +Is it true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, +stifled your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?"</p> + +<p>The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said +something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated.</p> + +<p>"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking +pockets? And when it is said that you +were turned out of a Club for cheating at cards—"</p> + +<p>But at this point I was assisted to take +my leave with so much abruptness, that I +was forced to leave my last question but partially +formulated. On finding myself once +more in the street, I noticed that I was +reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A +little later, however, my hat was thrown after me.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"><h2>PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET.</h2><a href="images/11-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/11-1.png" alt="" /></a><h4>HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO SHAKSPEARE.</h4> + +<p>"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!"</p> + +<p><i>Note</i>.—Shakespeare was the originator of the +aesthetic expression "Too, too."</p></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/11-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/11-2.png" alt="" /></a><i>Queen</i>. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br /> +Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>POLITICS UP TO DATE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>Specimen Leader from an Irish Paper in a Chronic State of Revolution.</i>)</h4> + +<p>WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.—We appear this morning +awaiting the future with confidence and +hope. So far, we have been able to conduct +this journal on patriotic lines. We have +denounced the Leader of the Party as the +enemy of his country, and have applauded +his opponents as the saviours of society. +But we cannot conceal from ourselves that +the time may arrive when this policy may +be reversed. The hour may come—</p> + +<p>10 A.M.—It has! We have much pleasure +in informing our readers that, after a vigorous +fight (honourable to all who took part in it), +we have conquered. This paper is in our +hands, and henceforward we shall support, +to the best of our ability, the Leader of the +Party, and denounce the infamous pretensions +of his opponents; still, it would be unwise to +ignore the possibilities of the future. We +may be overpowered by a tyrannical majority. +The time may come—</p> + +<p>11 A.M.—It has! Hurroo! It was hard +fighting to get back; +but here we are again, +ready to denounce the +leader, and support his +opponents. For the +moment we are victorious, +but who shall prophesy what may be +looming in the distant +ages? The hour may come—</p> + +<p>12 NOON.—It has! And now that we have +again taken possession, we must say we have +never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs +were flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns +in all directions, and the scrimmages were +just magnificent! It was an elegant row +entirely! But now to work. Our noble +leader deserves his triumph, and his opponents +are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be +foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come—</p> + +<p>1 P.M.—It has! Be jabers, what a contest! +But we have just slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight +entirely! How the ink-pots flew about! Easy now, let us to business. +The shorter we make our remarks the better, as no one can +say what will be happening hereafter. The hour may come—</p> + +<p>2 P.M.—It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! +Hurroo, boys! This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail +of my—we mean—our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo!</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Publication suspended until someone can be found—not otherwise +engaged—to write and print it, while someone else starts +a rival and "suppressed" edition</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/12-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/12-1.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.</h2> + +<p><i>January</i>.—If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN +was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although +the Opposition tried to <i>hinder her</i> from assuming the title. Work +this out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't +be given away if only <i>lent</i>. This entertaining quibble (suitable to +five o'clock teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note +the colours of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the +blues." On the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First +date suggestive of PITT, the second of <i>pity</i>. Good joke for the +Midlands. Put it down to SHERIDAN.</p> + +<p><i>February</i>.—On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's +festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. +This said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical +luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary +missive, say it is less suggestive of <i>Valentine</i> than <i>Orson</i>. +This +capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they +laugh until the end of the month.</p> + +<p><i>March</i>.—Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. +If you take care to pronounce the victory <i>A-book-er</i>, you may +possibly +get a jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on +the turf, when you can call it "the defeat of <i>A-book-er</i>." Good at +a hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can +observe "1801?—the year of my birth!"</p> + +<p><i>April</i>.—Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be +"<i>All</i> Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who +reads the <i>Times</i>.</p> + +<p><i>May</i>.—You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty +date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and +explain that you meant a "<i>Connaughty</i> date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's +Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint +conceit a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the +celebrated songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles +from London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps +venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being +like "lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not +expect any one to laugh.</p> + +<p><i>June</i>.—The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and +there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's +Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" +are few and far between, according to WHITAKER.</p> + +<p><i>July</i>.—Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it +is also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce +the victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause +merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their +lives on desert islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On +the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that +although a priceless boon it was only a <i>light</i> relief. If you can +only introduce this really clever <i>bon mot</i> into a speech at a wedding +breakfast, a railway indignation meeting or a debate in the +House of Lords, it is sure to go with bowls not to say +shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in founding +Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement +is the nearest approach to levity that in +common decency can be tolerated in a mourning coach.</p> + +<p><i>August</i>.—On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 +British slaves were freed. You might ask satirically, +how many slaves (be they husbands or be they wives) +now exist? You might offer this to a clergyman to +be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the +Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up +of an infant school) that on account of the +extremely warm reception to which the French were +welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be appropriately +called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." +This will be found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home +on furlough, and an Honorary Royal Academician living +in retirement.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/12-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/12-2.png" alt="" /></a><h4>ALWAYS ENTERTAINING;</h4> + +<p>OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!</p></div> + +<p><i>September</i>.—On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. +Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing +off guns without loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. +On the 3rd, the present Lord Chancellor born in 1825—the +name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-<i>bury</i>. A little +obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply +repay time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS +(who may be amusingly called "Watts-his-name"), died +in 1869. Not much in this, but may possibly fill up an +awkward pause during the reading of a will, or the +arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's +initial hospitality at five o'clock tea.</p> + +<p><i>October</i>.—FIELDING, the novelist, <i>bowled out</i> on the +8th in 1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th—an awful +example to habitual drunkards. Pheasant-shooting +commences. Right time to tell that story about the +Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot <i>peasants</i> instead! +This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians +who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.</p> + +<p><i>November</i>.—Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs +about having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take +the chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. +Lord Mayor's Day on the 9th—opportunity for letting +off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000 a Mayor's Nest-egg," +&c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular—the +infliction is too serious for jocularity!</p> + +<p><i>December</i>.—Holiday time for everyone, +inclusive of that most melancholy of persons "the +funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) +reaches the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man +(born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing +Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the +world a Happy New Year.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>APPROPRIATE.—Sir,—Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas +legal case than appeared in the <i>Times</i> Law Report, December +20th, and which was entitled "<i>The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre</i> +v. <i>The Justices of Lancashire</i>?" What delightful names +for a comic chorus to a <i>Bab Ballad</i> in a Pantomime.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Solo</i>. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor</p> +<p><i>Chorus</i>. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee;</p> +<p><i>Solo</i>. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare,</p> +<p><i>Chorus</i>. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be +serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether +MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will +in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule +there will be no exception.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12860-h/images/1.png b/12860-h/images/1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d96ca75 --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/1.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/10.png b/12860-h/images/10.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a40a3ce --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/10.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/11-1.png b/12860-h/images/11-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..237f34a --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/11-1.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/11-2.png b/12860-h/images/11-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d5b962a --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/11-2.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/12-1.png b/12860-h/images/12-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c9c7ffc --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/12-1.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/12-2.png b/12860-h/images/12-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e9efc93 --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/12-2.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/2.png b/12860-h/images/2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..98addba --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/2.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/3.png b/12860-h/images/3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cdce803 --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/3.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/4-1.png b/12860-h/images/4-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..be07498 --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/4-1.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/4-2.png b/12860-h/images/4-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3904bf3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/4-2.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/4-3.png b/12860-h/images/4-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e79daf --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/4-3.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/5-1.png b/12860-h/images/5-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0488c84 --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/5-1.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/5-2.png b/12860-h/images/5-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f3bdeff --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/5-2.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/6.png b/12860-h/images/6.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e25d7fd --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/6.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/7.png b/12860-h/images/7.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a0923a --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/7.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/9-1.png b/12860-h/images/9-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0f9211 --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/9-1.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/9-2.png b/12860-h/images/9-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ef1bff --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/9-2.png diff --git a/12860-h/images/9-3.png b/12860-h/images/9-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..83780b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/12860-h/images/9-3.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..da93237 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12860 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12860) diff --git a/old/12860-8.txt b/old/12860-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0fe035 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12860-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2120 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., +January 3, 1891., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., January 3, 1891. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 9, 2004 [EBook #12860] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 3, 1891. + + + + +[Illustration: VOL. C, CALENDAR] + + JANUARY xxxi Days. + + 1 Th N. Year's D. + 2 F Abydos t. + 3 S L. Hunt b. + 4 S 2 S. af. Chr. + 5 M Sambourne] + 6 T Epiphany + 7 W Bp. Ely d. + 8 Th Cam. L.T.b. + 9 F S.r. 8 h. 6 m. + 10 S S.s. 4 h. 10 m. + 11 S 1.S. af. Epip. + 12 M Hil. Sit. b. + 13 Tu B. Cannæ + 14 W Oxf. L.T. b. + 15 Th Orsini plot + 16 F B. Corunna + 17 S Franklin b. + 18 S 2 S. af. Epip. + 19 M Watt b. + 20 Tu Fabian + 21 W Agnes + 22 Th Vincent + 23 F Pitt d. 1806 + 24 S Fox b. 1749 + 25 S Septuag. S. + 26 M Brazil disc. + 27 Tu J. Gibson d. + 28 W Prescott d. + 29 Th Capit. Paris + 30 F Chas. I. bhd. + 31 S B. Jonson b. + + + FEBRUARY xxviii Days. + + 1 S Sexages. S. + 2 M B. Lincoln + 3 Tu Bassevi d. + 4 W S.r. 7 h. 36 m. + 5 Th Galvani d. + 6 F S.s. 4 h. 56 m. + 7 S Dickens b. + 8 S Quinqu. S. + 9 M Darnley m. + 10 Tu Q.V. marr. + 11 W Ash. Wed. + 12 Th Cellini d. + 13 F Revol. 1688 + 14 S Valentine + 15 S 1 S. in Lent. + 16 M Burke exe. + 17 Tu Braham d. + 18 W Luther d. + 19 Th Copernic. b. + 20 F J. Hume d. + 21 S Trinidad t. + 22 S 2 S. in Lent + 23 M S. Brookes d. + 24 Tu Matthias + 25 W Wren d. + 26 Th T. Moore d. + 27 F Benevento + 28 S J. Tenniel + + + MARCH xxxi Days. + + 1 S 3 S. in Lent + 2 M Wesley d. + 3 Tu B. Merton + 4 W Somers b. + 5 Th S.r. 6 h. 39 m. + 6 F Du Maurier + 7 S S.s. 5 h. 48 m. + 8 S 4 S. in Lent + 9 M Cobbett b. + 10 Tu Schiller b. + 11 W Inc. T. imp. + 12 Th Gregory + 13 F Talfourd d. + 14 S Byng shot + 15 S 5 S. in Lent + 16 M Dr. Kent d. + 17 Tu St. Patrick + 18 W Suez cnl. op. + 19 Th Lucknow t. + 20 F B. Alexand. + 21 S Benedict + 22 S Palm S. + 23 M Nat. Gal. f. + 24 Tu Q. Eliz. d. + 25 W Lady Day + 26 Th D. Camb. b. + 27 F Good Frid. + 28 S Cateau + 29 S East. Sun. + 30 M Bk. Holiday + 31 Tu Haydn b. + + + APRIL xxx Days. + + 1 W All Fools + 2 Th S.r. 5 h. 35 m. + 3 F S.s. 6 h. 34 m. + 4 S Ambrose bp. + 5 S Low Sun. + 6 M O. Lady-Day + 7 Tu Pr. Leop. b. + 8 W B. Savona + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 10 F Cam. E.T. b. + 11 S Canning d. + 12 S 2 S. af. Eas. + 13 M Handel d. + 14 Tu Prs. Beatr. b. + 15 W S. Maron. + 16 Th Thiers b. + 17 F B. Culloden + 18 S Graunt d. + 19 S 3 S. af. Eas. + 20 M Spa. fl. des. + 21 Tu Bp. Heber b. + 22 W Odessa bom. + 23 Th St. George + 24 F B. Landrec. + 25 S Prs. Alice b. + 26 S 4 S. af. Eas. + 27 M Gibbon b. + 28 Tu B. Tours + 29 W S. Cath. S. + 30 Th Fitzroy d. + + + MAY xxxi Days. + + 1 F May Day + 2 S S.r. 4 h. 32 m. + 3 S Rogation S. + 4 M Sering. tkn. + 5 Tu S.s. 7 h. 27 m. + 6 W John Evan. + 7 Th Holy Thurs. + 8 F Le Sage b. + 9 S Hf. qr. Day + 10 S S. af. Ascen. + 11 M Chatham d. + 12 Tu Albt. Mem. c. + 13 W O. May Day + 14 Th Gratton d. + 15 F O'Connell d. + 16 S B. Albuera + 17 S Whit Sun. + 18 M Bk. Holiday + 19 Tu Dunstan + 20 W Columbus d. + 21 Th Cawnpore + 22 F Dasent b. + 23 S M. Lemon d. + 24 S Trin. Sun. + 25 M Pr. Hel. b. + 26 Tu Augustine + 27 W Ven. Bede + 28 Th Corp. Christ. + 29 F Chas. II. res. + 30 S Pope d. + 31 S 1 Sn. af. Tr. + + + JUNE xxx Days. + + 1 M Nicomede + 2 Tu Harvey b. + 3 W S.r. 3 h. 50 m. + 4 Th S.s. 8 h. 7 m. + 5 F Weber d. + 6 S Calpee tkn. + 7 S 2 Sn. af. Tr. + 8 M D. Jerrold d. + 9 Tu Paxton d. + 10 W Heilsberg + 11 Th Barnabas + 12 F B. Wilton + 13 S Hastgs. bhd. + 14 S 3 Sn. af. Tr. + 15 M Mag. Charta + 16 Tu Wat Tyl. sl. + 17 W St. Alban + 18 Th Waterloo + 19 F B. Wavres + 20 S Q. Vic. Ac. + 21 S 4 Sn. af. Tr. + 22 M B. Pered + 23 Tu B. Plassy + 24 W Midsm. D. + 25 Th B. Altivia + 26 F Geo. IV. d. + 27 S Cairo tkn. + 28 S 5 Sn. af. Tr. + 29 M St. Peter + 30 Tu Roscoe d. + + + JULY xxxi Days. + + 1 W B. Boyne + 2 Th S.r. 3 h. 50 m. + 3 F B. Sadowa + 4 S S.s. 8 h. 17 m. + 5 S 6 Sn. af. Tr. + 6 M Old Mid. D. + 7 Tu J. Huss bt. + 8 W A. Smith d. + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 10 F Bp. Fell d. + 11 S B. Ouden + 12 S 7 Sn. af. Tr. + 13 M D. Orleans d. + 14 Tu Bastile des. + 15 W St. Swithin + 16 Th Beranger d. + 17 F Punch b. '41 + 18 S Sherlock d. + 19 S 8 Sn. af. Tr. + 20 M Margaret + 21 Tu R. Burns d. + 22 W Salamanca + 23 Th Lyonet b. + 24 F Gibral. tkn. + 25 S St. James + 26 S 9 Sn. af. Tr. + 27 M Talavera + 28 Tu Robesp. exe. + 29 W B. Beylau + 30 Th W. Penn d. + 31 F E. Pease d. + + + AUGUST xxxi Days. + + 1 S Lammas + 2 S 10 Sn. af. Tr. + 3 M Bk. Holiday + 4 Tu Oystr. Sea. c. + 5 W S.r. 4 h. 31 m. + 6 Th Dk. Edn. b. + 7 F S.s. 7 h. 37 m. + 8 S Otway b. + 9 S 11 S. af. Tr. + 10 M C. Keene b. + 11 Tu Trin. Sit. c. + 12 W Grouse s.b. + 13 Th O. Lammas + 14 F Ld. Clyde d. + 15 S W. Scott b. + 16 S 12 S. af. Tr. + 17 M Ad. Blake d. + 18 Tu B. Spurs + 19 W Ozontero + 20 Th Saragossa + 21 F Blck. Ck. s.b. + 22 S B. Bosworth + 23 S 13 S. af. Tr. + 24 M S. Bartholo. + 25 Tu J. Watt d. + 26 W P. Cons. b. + 27 Th Thomson d. + 28 F B. Leipsic + 29 S Jno. Bp. bh. + 30 S 14 S. af. Tr. + 31 M Bunyan d. + + + SEPTEMBER xxx Days. + + 1 Tu Part. sh. e. + 2 W Capit. Sedan + 3 Th S.r. 5 h. 17 m. + 4 F S.s. 6 h. 39 m. + 5 S Comte d. + 6 S 15 S. af. Tr. + 7 M Eunurchus + 8 Tu Nat. B.V.M. + 9 W B. Flodden + 10 Th B. Quesnoy + 11 F S. of Delhi + 12 S O.P. Riots + 13 S 16 S. af. Tr. + 14 M Holy Cross + 15 Tu B. Rajghur + 16 W Jas. II. d. + 17 Th Lambert + 18 F Geo. I. land. + 19 S B. Poitiers + 20 S 17 S. af. Tr. + 21 M St. Matth. + 22 Tu Virgil d. + 23 W Autn. Q. b. + 24 Th S. Butler d. + 25 F Porson d. + 26 S St. Cyprian + 27 S 18 S. af. Tr. + 28 M Nicopolis + 29 Tu Mich. Day + 30 W St. Jerome + + + OCTOBER xxxi Days. + + 1 Th Cam. M.T. b. + 2 F Arago d. + 3 S S.r. 6 h. 6 m. + 4 S 19 S. af. Tr. + 5 M S.s. 5 h. 28 m. + 6 Tu Faith + 7 W Abp. Laud b. + 8 Th B. Actium + 9 F St. Denys + 10 S Ox. M.T. b. + 11 S 20 S. af. Tr. + 12 M America d. + 13 Tu Edw. Conf. + 14 W B. Senlac + 15 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 16 F Soissons t. + 17 S Etheldreda + 18 S 21 S. af. Tr. + 19 M Kneller d. + 20 Tu B. Navarino + 21 W Trafalgar + 22 Th B. Edge Hill + 23 F Irish Reb. + 24 S P. Leigh d. + 25 S 22 S. af. Tr. + 26 M Danton b. + 27 Tu Cap. Cook b. + 28 W J. Locke d. + 29 Th J. Leech d. + 30 F Tower brnt. + 31 S All Hallows + + + NOVEMBER xxx Days. + + 1 S 23 S. af. Tr. + 2 M All Souls + 3 Tu Fall of Acre + 4 W Will. III. b. + 5 Th S.r. 7 h. 3 m. + 6 F S.s. 4 h. 23 m. + 7 S B. Mooltan + 8 S 24 S. af. Tr. + 9 M P. of Wls. b. + 10 Tu M. Luther b. + 11 W St. Martin + 12 Th Hf. qr. Day + 13 F Britius + 14 S Leibnitz d. + 15 S 25 S. af. Tr. + 16 M J. Bright b. + 17 Tu Hugh Bp. L. + 18 W Wilkie b. + 19 Th B. Arcola + 20 F Ld. Elgin d. + 21 S J. Hogg d. + 22 S 26 S. af. Tr. + 23 M St. Clemen. + 24 Tu J. Knox d. + 25 W Chantrey d. + 26 Th G. Grisi d. + 27 F De. Teck b. + 28 S Bunsen d. + 29 S 1 S. in Adv. + 30 M Burnand b.] + + + DECEMBER xxxi Days. + + 1 Tu Prs. Wls. b. + 2 W B. Austerl. + 3 Th Bradbury b. + 4 F Richelieu d. + 5 S S.r. 7 h. 51 m. + 6 S 2 S. in Adv. + 7 M S.s. 3 h. 50 m. + 8 Tu Baxter d. + 9 W Vandyke d. + 10 Th Milton b. + 11 F Jno. Gay d. + 12 S Cibber d. + 13 S 3 S. in Adv. + 14 M P. Cons. d. + 15 Tu I. Walton d. + 16 W V. Weber b. + 17 Th Oxf. M.T. e. + 18 F D. 7 h. 46 m. + 19 S Cam. M.T. e. + 20 S 4 S. in Adv. + 21 M St. Thomas + 22 Tu Win. Q. b. + 23 W Jas. II. abd. + 24 Th Christ. Eve + 25 F Christ. Day + 26 S Bk. Holiday + 27 S Sun. af. Chr. + 28 M Innocents + 29 Tu Stafford ex. + 30 W Pegu anxd. + 31 Th Silvester + + * * * * * + +TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS. + +(_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTER +TO-MORROW._) + +EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.--Reserved gallows seats, +immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying +struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession; +Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas. +(8.30 A.M.) + +TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner. +Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few +special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack" +luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the +Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play +during the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in +their places not later than 10.30.) + +GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.--Additional +Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals +from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all +Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) +Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution +Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments +inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6.30.) +_Auto-da-Fé_ at 2.30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under +eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One +Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies, +passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.) + +PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S +ROOMS.--Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under +the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting +struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.) + +BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.--Full Spanish Programme this day. +Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors +killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra +fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL +SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. to £5 5s. Specially Reserved +Front Seats for Ladies, £7 7s. (3 P.M., and 8.30.) + +IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.--Phonographic +Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals. +Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially). +Reports of Cases tried _in Camerâ_. Private Conversations of parties +to _Causes Célèbres_, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and +Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.) + +PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.--NOW open daily. Admission by private card +only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). Two +Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in +Special Art Sanctum, £10 10s. (10 till 4 only.) + +GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon +of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a +Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!! +Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders +and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and +Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence +at 8. + + Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30! + The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5! + Carriages at 11.10! + +Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still +crowded with the _élite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."] + + * * * * * + +THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY. + +_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en +route_. + +_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at +Dover. Triumphant progress to London. + +_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom +of the City. + +_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and +unlimited hospitality. + +_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations. + +_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of +distinguished conduct. + +_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures. + +_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which +now begins to empty. + +_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear. + +_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to +the papers, and sensational journalism generally. + +_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges, +counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, +strongly recommended row. + +_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme) +and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry +Christmas and a Happy New Year. + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR. + +_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia. + +_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican. + +_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home. + +_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa. + +_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt. + +_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet. + +_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends +meet. + +_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election. + +_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule. + +_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics. + +_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_. + +_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all. + +_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties, +and get through his official work. + +_And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a +century. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.--Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT +contemplate giving another _Matinée_ of that out-of-date play, _The +Lady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_? +No extra charge for this suggestion. + + * * * * * + +GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.--Police Protection to TIM HEALY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY. + + SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs + are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all + kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while + the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded + corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in + whispers._ + +_Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_). +No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide on +something--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting +impatient! (_To the Ladies_.) Do come and help; it's really no +use dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't +_anybody_ think of a good Word? + +_Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the +same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange, +and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy! + +_Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first. +Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over +_there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your +heads together? + +_Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, +ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words. + +_Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again! + + [_They resume their conversation._ + +_Mr. Wh._ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_ +give us a Word? + +_Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think of +something clever! + +_Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so little +experience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred to +me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet +with approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through his +spectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous." + +_Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that? + +_Mr. Wh._ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_? + +_Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which +has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ are +termed-- + +_Mr. Wh._ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only +one seed-lobe myself--and then the +syllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before +_midnight_, you know! + +_Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as a +suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was +wrong; no doubt. + +_Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. How +would--er--"_Familiar_" do? + +_Mr. Wh._ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footle +like this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_. + +_Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_! + +_Mr. Wh._ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge." +How do you see it yourself? + + [_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see + it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop._ + +_Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_ +"Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_," you know. [_Chorus of applause._ + +_Mr. Wh._ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS! + +_Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that, +you know, and you said--! + +_Mr. Wh._ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it, +so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud._) How are we +going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet, +and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot +of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the +Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it. + + [_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat + inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by + way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn + themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more + care for appearances._ + +AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE. + + _The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by + faint applause_. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response._) +You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others. +You let me do everything! + +_Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in! + +_Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now +then--"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one +by one, and say you're _ill_--see? + + [_Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a + dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet._ + +_Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with +the audience--I'm no use _here_! + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential +butler, and show the patients in. + + [_Mr. W. accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that + other people can act as well as he._ + +AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was no +necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A +Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much! + +_Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put +some fun in _somewhere_! + +_Mr. P._ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. +Nobody laughed. + +_Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was +describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically +correct--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was +unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful! + +_Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were +a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview +short, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour. + +_Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to +ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to +them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you +again. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets +carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c., +&c.--_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_.) Now then--last +syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and +all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that +screamingly funny! + +AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all called +me a liar before I opened my mouth! + +_The Rest_.--But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ to +bring the Word in somehow. + +_Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. There +was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We +must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again +(_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't +understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves! + +AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE. + +_General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, or +Magician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give it +up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't, +they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_ +drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed, +we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_ +well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after it +all. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear Miss +ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a +bit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take? + +_Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn't +wanted, you know. + +_Miss Rose_. Not to _act_,--so we stayed outside and--and--arranged +things. + +_An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the +pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid. + +_Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ it +much. + +_The O.L._ And which of you settled what the Word was to be? + +_Mr. N._ Well, I believe we settled that together. + + [_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not + of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON + discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the + other men, and puts it down to jealousy._ + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET. + +We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel +Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may +it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the +bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we +Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and +weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I next +perposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ort +for to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good deal +of atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn't +quite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, +was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred +all about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting +to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, +of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners +of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause +a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit +a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel +diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed +in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with +which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore +Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed. + +[Illustration] + +We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin +the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is +anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons. + +Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the reckless +ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as how +as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was to +hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely +called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manly +employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him, +more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alone +his boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing with +his capital voice, his new Song of "_Old Robert the Waiter_" being a +rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "_Old Simon the +Cellerer_," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an +arncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of "_Mynear Van Dunk_," with its +fine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish. + +BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by singing +his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and we sort our +seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as his Lordship +hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the follering +sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May all the well +to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus as +we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and a +liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly wants it this +bitter weather." ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.] + +MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY JERUM," +is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled +_Told After Supper_. What he wants, that is, what he ought to have +whether he wants it or not, is judicious editing. Had this process +been applied to this eccentric haphazardy book, scarcely more than +a third of it would have been published. "His style, in this book +at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I say the same of his +_Three Men in a Tub_, suggests the idea of his writing being the work +of a young man who, among his companions and admirers, has earned the +reputation of being a 'deuced funny chap,' and so has to struggle to +live up to this reputation, or to live it down." JERUMKY JERUM still +somewhat affects Yankee humour, not, however, in so forced and vulgar +a manner as in his overpraised _Three Men in a Boat_. Two of the Ghost +Stories are humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they +been introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very +palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's +night) brought in his story of _Tom Smart_, and of the inimitable +_Gabriel Grub_, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably +enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels--sandwich'd in between heavy +slabs of doughy material--stand a chance of not being tasted. To +anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, "read about the +Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and EMILY. The tinted paper on +which it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurish +illustrations." + +[Illustration: Goblins.] + +_WOMAN_--not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"--nor woman who in +our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But Woman, +the weekly _Woman_ who is doing uncommonly well and in her fifty-third +number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea of a Christmas +dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very good and simple +dinner it was. The same _Woman_ gave also, among a variety of +next-day's treatments of Turkey, _Turkey in Aspic_, Turkey in Europe, +and Turkey in Asia--yes--but what about "Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't +look well; much better in French. But we dare say it's very good, +though, for breakfast or supper, "devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat." + +I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested me +muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his writings, +though I do not remember ever having heard the titles of his works +mentioned, that, when a neat-looking volume was sent me by Messrs. +PATERSON & Co. of _Leigh Hunt's Tales_, I anticipated great pleasure +from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in anticipation. I +have tried, as the song says, "A little bit here, and a little bit +there--Here a bit, There a bit, And everywhere a bit,"--but, hang me, +says the Baron, if I can tackle any one of them. The matter doesn't +interest me, and the style doesn't fascinate me. This may be rank +heresy, but I can't help it. I have tried, and failed. Well, better to +have tried, and failed, than never to have tried at all. But I shan't +try again,--at least, not on this collection of Tales. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--A good collection of pictures and +sculpture--including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, ALFRED +GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others--is on view at the Royal Arcade +Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for the benefit of the +family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young sculptor, who died only a few +weeks ago. Lots more to say, but you won't stand it, and will probably +say, "_Par! si bête_!" So no more at present from yours par-entally, +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.--A Sheriff's Officer: a +Writ-ualist. + + * * * * * + +A FORECAST FOR 1891. + +(_BEING SOME EXTRACTS FROM THE GLOOMY OUTLOOKER'S DIARY._) + +[Illustration: _Old Sol_. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!" + +_Mr. P._ "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"] + +_January_.--Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London +"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, the +fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15s. Milk, 10s. the +half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to secure +the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out the +Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of coals. +The Three per Cents go down to 35. + +_February_.--Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis +makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, crosses +Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large centre +terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a mile in +Piccadilly. + +_March_.--Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played +at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking +Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are +carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital. + +_April_.--Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large +metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen +waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire +brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish +the flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the +holders of gas shares. + +_May_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute stage. The +"Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" being patted on +the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, and seize the +Stock Exchange and the Mansion House. + +_June_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter +stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of +England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation +to celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in +returning thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the +takings" of their hosts must have been "enormous." + +_July_.--Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. Triumphant +return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed themselves +immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to having another +innings at "the way out." + +_August_.--The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to +stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the +hundred-ton guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a +shell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, +bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of +a letter in the _Times_ from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the +matter will be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department. + +_September_.--A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several Hotchkiss +guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, exceed the known +figures of any previous _battue_ to such an extent that birds sell +in Bond Street at _3d_. a brace, with the result that the whole of +Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the next seven +years. + +_October_.--The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to be got +anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food" +crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bring +up their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill them +professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with +gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, for which proceedings +they are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. + +_November_.--The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several +Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their +immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a +very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public. + +_December_.--First signs of a probable second edition of a "good +old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence. +Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only +frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891 +terminates in gloomy despair. + + * * * * * + +EDWIN AND ANGELINA. + +(_ONE MORE VERSION._) + +[Illustration] + + DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I beg of you to hear my tale of woe, + My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know; + How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted, + And I am left to shed a tear--alone, and broken-hearted. + + We were engaged for eighteen months--he often said that life + Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife. + My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle," + He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle! + + I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea-- + She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me. + I thought him quite a model youth--hard-working, loyal, steady, + A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.", + + Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known + Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own." + It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely, + Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only." + + The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm, + I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm; + So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever, + But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever." + + He only called me darling once! how different from before! + Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)? + And was he tired of me--the girl he loved so fondly, dearly? + It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely." + + Yes--was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove? + You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love! + I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly, + That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely." + + Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast + Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best; + And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly, + But it _was_ more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly." + + The truth was clear--I quickly sent him back his lovely _cartes_, + His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts. + I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried-- + And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married. + + So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know, + You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go. + And if you know, dear _Mr. Punch_, a husband, say you've seen a + Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is + + ANGELINA. + + * * * * * + +WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?--Under the beneficent influence +of the early coal dews--subsequently spelt coal dues--which have +existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan Improvements +have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks to ignorant, but +well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues being abolished, up +goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there is no surplus +for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of coal dues were +considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, "Hard times, come +again once more!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIG-STICKING. + +_Little Prigson_. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST +OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS SISTAH'S _QUITE_ THE +NICEST GIRL I EVER MET." + +_Aunt Eliza_. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU _MIGHT_ HAVE +HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF +_PRESENT COMPANY_!" + +_Cousin Maud_. "YES; IN _BOTH_ CASES, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" + +_Mr. Punch, loquitur_:-- + + A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy, + Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily, + 'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy, + At least, you're beginning most merrily. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You make a good start, anyhow. + With a kiss from the lips that can never betray, + There's many a girl would be greeted _that_ way! + + You're welcome, my lad! It is _Punch's_ old style + To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers; + In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile, + _His_ warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers! + Under the Mistletoe Bough + All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow. + He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl, + Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul. + + _Sursum corda_! That motto's the best of the bunch; + Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker. + Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from _Punch_, + Never helped one in heart or exchequer, + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You cannot do better, I vow, + Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule, + As your very first tip in your very first school. + + Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad? + And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus, + Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad. + How well the Venusian knows us! + Under the Mistletoe Bough + _He_ never kissed maid, but somehow + Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine + With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine. + + No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch, + (Though sometimes my _bâton_ must play--on rogues' shoulders.) + Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch + By Orbilian smiters and scolders. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + A kiss is best treatment, I trow. + A salute from the lips of your _Punch_ you'll not spurn, + And the young guests around you shall each take a turn. + + The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear, + There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon, + But--well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year + As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You look mighty kissable--now. + So here goes another, for luck like, my dear, + As we wish everybody A Happy New Year! + + * * * * * + +OLD MORALITY'S CHRISTMAS CARD AND NEW YEAR WISHES. + +This communication is designed to convey the expression of the wish +that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those not +distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed a season +of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve months, +upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with Happiness. +(_Signed_) W.H.S. + +_Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve_, 1890. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the title and +name of BISHOP KING. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE." + +"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I propose to make a few +additions to my usual forensic costume."--_Extract from a Letter of +Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend_.] + + * * * * * + +AT THE END OF THE YEAR. + +To a Friend, + + Do you remember how we sat, + We two, in this same room together + Last year, and talked of this and that, + And warmed our toes and cursed the weather? + + And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud + (We both smoked briars, I remember), + And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed + To do or die ere next December? + + We spoke without respect of BEN, + BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly; + _Now_ BEN bamboozles jurymen, + And makes his thousand guineas yearly. + + We both despised the wretched JOE, + My fag at school, your butt at College. + Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow, + Choked with absurdly useful knowledge. + + Yet JOE assists to give us laws, + Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form, + 'Midst empty thunders of applause, + Erect on many a Tory platform. + + And poor, inconsequential JACK, + His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's, + Has married money, keeps a hack, + And has a big account at COUTTS's. + + TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square, + And DICK is noted for his dinners-- + Life is a race, but was it fair, + We asked, that _these_ should be the winners? + + We, too, would win; and Heaven knows + What vows we uttered fiery-hearted, + While '89 drew to its close, + And '90 found us--so we parted. + + * * * * * + + And here, good lack, while '90 wanes, + Our candles flaring in their sockets, + We sit once more and count our gains-- + Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets. + + Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends; + Men prate of wealth in empty words, I + Sit here content as '90 ends. + And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye. + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +SEASONABLE. + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating and explosive Stimulant. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal Restorer. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping baby instantly flying out of the +cradle. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid Grandfather suddenly mount to the +fifth storey by leaps and bounds. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate influenza. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache into delirium. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows up the brain tissues. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole household on the sneeze. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever in the Infant School. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the Hippopotamus. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief Justice off the Bench. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the dentist. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop dancing a break-down. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher into a Lunatic Asylum. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising Politician. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation of the Prime Minister. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler cab-horse win the Derby. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor for Practical Jokers. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely relied on by Master TOMMY. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into the Soup at a dinner-party, will +lead to a serious riot in the dining-room. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in a sandwich, will choke an Uncle. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general disorganiser of every Household. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--A Pinch will thoroughly banish sleep for a whole +fortnight. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--"An Octogenarian Consumer" writes:--"I was in a +comatose condition for twenty years, when I came across your Pepper. +I had scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my arm-chair, and have +danced a continual fandango ever since. I carry it loose in all my +pockets, and scatter it on all my friends whenever I meet them. This +has got me kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I do not in the +least mind. I'm as merry and as mad as a March hare--and your Pepper +has done it." + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--The Proprietors beg to inform their Friends and +Patrons that they can supply this highly combustible and explosive +compound in felt safety cases, carefully packed at their bomb-proof +establishment in Barking Marshes, at the usual retail prices, viz., +1s. 1-1/2d., 2s. 9d., 11s., 21s., and 31s. 6d., &c, &c. + + * * * * * + +SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY. + +[Illustration: Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.] + +Dear Mr. Punch,--I venture to address you on a subject that I feel +sure will enlist your kind attention and sympathy. How am I to get +through Yule Tide? Ought I to give up the dispatch of "cards," or +ought I to send them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances? +If I drop the custom, people who like me will think I am outting them, +and persons with whom I am less popular will imagine that economy, +not to say meanness, is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post +Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense," and _do_ send the cards. +Well, I am in this position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty +to get a suitable greeting to all those who receive my annual +benediction. If I have "Wishing you and yours every happiness," with +my appended name and address lithographed, the greeting seems cold, +and even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a favourite Maiden Aunt; +and unduly familiar if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for the +first time in my life the day before yesterday. Then if I trust to the +ordinary Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at a loss to select +an appropriate recipient for a nestful of owls, or the picture of +a Clown touching up an elderly gentleman of highly respectable +appearance with a red-hot poker! If I get a representation of +flowers, the chances are ten to one that the accompanying lines are +of a compromising character. It is obviously cruel to send to a +recently-widowed Uncle some verses about "_Darby and Joan_," and my +Mother-in-law is not likely to feel complimented if I forward to her a +poetically expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter place than +her own home--away, of course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these +are the problems that meet the would-be Yule Tide card distributer at +every turn! I remain, my dear _Mr. Punch_, yours sincerely, + +ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW. + +P.S.--If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed the +postal arrangements. + + * * * * * + +THE UNITED SERVICE DIARY FOR 1891. + +[Illustration: Extremes Meet.] + +_January to March_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper. + +_April to June_.--Soldiers at play. Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper. + +_July to September_.--Soldiers at sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors at +play (_ditto_). Civil Servants away (_ditto_). + +_October to December_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil +Servants reading the morning paper. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.] + + * * * * * + +IN THE LATEST STYLE. + +(_BY OUR INTREPID INTERVIEWER._) + +Feeling that your readers would be interested in learning Mr. CHOSE's +own view of the unpleasant affair, I called upon the distinguished +Arctic Explorer just as he was sitting down to breakfast. + +"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I asked, "that you stole the +umbrellas?" + +The face of the warrior flushed angrily, for a moment, and then +regaining his composure, he replied that he could not see the point of +possessing himself of articles that would be absolutely valueless in +those extremely northern latitudes. + +"That is not the question," I persisted. "I am sure you will forgive +me, when you remember that I speak in the name of the Public; but what +I want, and what they want to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas? +Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No." + +"I don't see what either you or they have to do with it," replied +the Arctic Explorer, cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a +matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do with any of the luggage +of the expedition. So, if it is said, that I walked about with a +shower-protector that was not my own, you can value the story for what +it is worth. Why, on the very face of it, the report is ridiculous!" + +"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the world is uncharitable. However, +Mr. CHOSE, perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your friend and +colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted an aged Esquimaux into what he termed +Iced Greenlander?" + +'I have heard the story, certainly; but cannot say whether it is +true or not. When the incident is alleged to have happened, I was in +another part of the country, having been sent there to change novels +at the local circulating library." + +"But would you say it was probable?" + +"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, chivalrous, merry, +gladsome, gallant young fellow. He was the soul of honour. Why," he +added, with deep emotion, "I have left as much as fourpence in coppers +on a mantel-piece alone with him, and on my return nave found every +halfpenny of the money untouched!" + +"Then do you not think he pushed the old man into the +sausage-machine?" + +"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, or to win a +wager, or perhaps as practical joke. That he would do anything open +to censure at the hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely +incredible. Why, he is a Loamshire man!" + +"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have finished +your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. Is it +true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, stifled +your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?" + +The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said +something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated. + +"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking +pockets? And when it is said that you were turned out of a Club for +cheating at cards--" + +But at this point I was assisted to take my leave with so much +abruptness, that I was forced to leave my last question but partially +formulated. On finding myself once more in the street, I noticed that +I was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however, +my hat was thrown after me. + + * * * * * + +PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET. + +[Illustration: HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO +SHAKSPEARE.] + +"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!" + +_Note_.--Shakespeare was the originator of the aesthetic expression +"Too, too." + +[Illustration: _Queen_. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br /> Here, +Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."] + + * * * * * + +POLITICS UP TO DATE. + +(_SPECIMEN LEADER FROM AN IRISH PAPER IN A CHRONIC STATE OF +REVOLUTION._) + +WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.--We appear this morning awaiting the future with +confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal +on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the +enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours +of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may +arrive when this policy may be reversed. The hour may come-- + +10 A.M.--It has! We have much pleasure in informing our readers that, +after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), we +have conquered. This paper is in our hands, and henceforward we shall +support, to the best of our ability, the Leader of the Party, and +denounce the infamous pretensions of his opponents; still, it would +be unwise to ignore the possibilities of the future. We may be +overpowered by a tyrannical majority. The time may come-- + +11 A.M.--It has! Hurroo! It was hard fighting to get back; but here +we are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents. +For the moment we are victorious, but who shall prophesy what may be +looming in the distant ages? The hour may come-- + +12 NOON.--It has! And now that we have again taken possession, we +must say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs were +flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions, +and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row +entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, and +his opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be +foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come-- + +1 P.M.--It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have just +slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-pots +flew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we make +our remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happening +hereafter. The hour may come-- + +2 P.M.--It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys! +This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--we +mean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo! + + [_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not + otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else + starts a rival and "suppressed" edition._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891. + +_January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was +created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the +Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this +out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away +if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock +teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours +of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On +the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of +PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to +SHERIDAN. + +_February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival. +Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This +said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical +luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary +missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This +capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they +laugh until the end of the month. + +_March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you +take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a +jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the +turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a +hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe +"1801?--the year of my birth!" + +_April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_ +Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the +_Times_. + +_May_.--You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty +date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and +explain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's +Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit +a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebrated +songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles from +London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps +venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like +"lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expect +any one to laugh. + +_June_.--The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and +there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's +Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" are +few and far between, according to WHITAKER. + +_July_.--Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is +also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the +victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause merriment +amongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desert +islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On the 24th the Window +Tax was abolished, of which you may say that although a priceless boon +it was only a _light_ relief. If you can only introduce this really +clever _bon mot_ into a speech at a wedding breakfast, a railway +indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure +to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in +founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement +is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be +tolerated in a mourning coach. + +_August_.--On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves +were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they +husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a +clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the +Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up of an +infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to +which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be +appropriately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." This will be +found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary +Royal Academician living in retirement. + +_September_.--On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. +Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without +loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord +Chancellor born in 1825--the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-_bury_. +A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay +time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly +called "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may +possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or +the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial +hospitality at five o'clock tea. + +_October_.--FIELDING, the novelist, _bowled out_ on the 8th in +1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th--an awful example to habitual +drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story +about the Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot _peasants_ instead! +This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians who +have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush. + +[Illustration: ALWAYS ENTERTAINING; + +OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!] + +_November_.--Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs about +having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take the +chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. Lord Mayor's Day on +the 9th--opportunity for letting off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000 +a Mayor's Nest-egg," &c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular--the +infliction is too serious for jocularity! + +_December_.--Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that most +melancholy of persons "the funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reaches +the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two! +With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a +Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE.--Sir,--Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal +case than appeared in the _Times_ Law Report, December 20th, and which +was entitled "_The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre_ v. _The Justices +of Lancashire_?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a _Bab +Ballad_ in a Pantomime. + + _Solo_. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor + _Chorus_. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee; + _Solo_. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare, + _Chorus_. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee. + +Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be +serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., January 3, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12860-8.txt or 12860-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/6/12860/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., January 3, 1891. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 9, 2004 [EBook #12860] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 3, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/1.png" alt="CALENDAR" /></a></div> + + +<table summary="Calendar" align="center" border="1"> + +<tr><td valign="top"><small>JANUARY xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>FEBRUARY xxviii Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>MARCH xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>APRIL xxx Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>MAY xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>JUNE xxx Days.</small></td> + + +</tr> + +<tr><td valign="top"><small> + + 1 Th N. Year's D.<br /> + + 2 F Abydos t.<br /> + + 3 S L. Hunt b.<br /> + + 4 S 2 S. af. Chr.<br /> + + 5 M Sambourne]<br /> + + 6 T Epiphany<br /> + + 7 W Bp. Ely d.<br /> + + 8 Th Cam. L.T.b.<br /> + + 9 F S.r. 8h. 6m.<br /> + +10 S S.s. 4h. 10m.<br /> + +11 S 1 S. af. Epip.<br /> + +12 M Hil. Sit. b.<br /> + +13 Tu B. Cannæ<br /> + +14 W Oxf. L.T. b.<br /> + +15 Th Orsini plot<br /> + +16 F B. Corunna<br /> + +17 S Franklin b.<br /> + +18 S 2 S. af. Epip.<br /> + +19 M Watt b.<br /> + +20 Tu Fabian<br /> + +21 W Agnes<br /> + +22 Th Vincent<br /> + +23 F Pitt d. 1806<br /> + +24 S Fox b. 1749<br /> + +25 S Septuag. S.<br /> + +26 M Brazil disc.<br /> + +27 Tu J. Gibson d.<br /> + +28 W Prescott d.<br /> + +29 Th Capit. Paris<br /> + +30 F Chas. I. bhd.<br /> + +31 S B. Jonson b.<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 S Sexages. S.<br /> + + 2 M B. Lincoln<br /> + + 3 Tu Bassevi d.<br /> + + 4 W S.r. 7h. 36m.<br /> + + 5 Th Galvani d.<br /> + + 6 F S.s. 4h. 56m.<br /> + + 7 S Dickens b.<br /> + + 8 S Quinqu. S.<br /> + + 9 M Darnley m.<br /> + +10 Tu Q.V. marr.<br /> + +11 W Ash. Wed.<br /> + +12 Th Cellini d.<br /> + +13 F Revol. 1688<br /> + +14 S Valentine<br /> + +15 S 1 S. in Lent.<br /> + +16 M Burke exe.<br /> + +17 Tu Braham d.<br /> + +18 W Luther d.<br /> + +19 Th Copernic. b.<br /> + +20 F J. Hume d.<br /> + +21 S Trinidad t.<br /> + +22 S 2 S. in Lent<br /> + +23 M S. Brookes d.<br /> + +24 Tu Matthias<br /> + +25 W Wren d.<br /> + +26 Th T. Moore d.<br /> + +27 F Benevento<br /> + +28 S J. Tenniel<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 S 3 S. in Lent<br /> + + 2 M Wesley d.<br /> + + 3 Tu B. Merton<br /> + + 4 W Somers b.<br /> + + 5 Th S.r. 6h. 39m.<br /> + + 6 F Du Maurier<br /> + + 7 S S.s. 5h. 48m.<br /> + + 8 S 4 S. in Lent<br /> + + 9 M Cobbett b.<br /> + +10 Tu Schiller b.<br /> + +11 W Inc. T. imp.<br /> + +12 Th Gregory<br /> + +13 F Talfourd d.<br /> + +14 S Byng shot<br /> + +15 S 5 S. in Lent<br /> + +16 M Dr. Kent d.<br /> + +17 Tu St. Patrick<br /> + +18 W Suez cnl. op.<br /> + +19 Th Lucknow t.<br /> + +20 F B. Alexand.<br /> + +21 S Benedict<br /> + +22 S Palm S.<br /> + +23 M Nat. Gal. f.<br /> + +24 Tu Q. Eliz. d.<br /> + +25 W Lady Day<br /> + +26 Th D. Camb. b.<br /> + +27 F Good Frid.<br /> + +28 S Cateau<br /> + +29 S East. Sun.<br /> + +30 M Bk. Holiday<br /> + +31 Tu Haydn b.<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 W All Fools<br /> + + 2 Th S.r. 5h. 35m.<br /> + + 3 F S.s. 6h. 34m.<br /> + + 4 S Ambrose bp.<br /> + + 5 S Low Sun.<br /> + + 6 M O. Lady-Day<br /> + + 7 Tu Pr. Leop. b.<br /> + + 8 W B. Savona<br /> + + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex.<br /> + +10 F Cam. E.T. b.<br /> + +11 S Canning d.<br /> + +12 S 2 S. af. Eas.<br /> + +13 M Handel d.<br /> + +14 Tu Prs. Beatr. b.<br /> + +15 W S. Maron.<br /> + +16 Th Thiers b.<br /> + +17 F B. Culloden<br /> + +18 S Graunt d.<br /> + +19 S 3 S. af. Eas.<br /> + +20 M Spa. fl. des.<br /> + +21 Tu Bp. Heber b.<br /> + +22 W Odessa bom.<br /> + +23 Th St. George<br /> + +24 F B. Landrec.<br /> + +25 S Prs. Alice b.<br /> + +26 S 4 S. af. Eas.<br /> + +27 M Gibbon b.<br /> + +28 Tu B. Tours<br /> + +29 W S. Cath. S.<br /> + +30 Th Fitzroy d.<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 F May Day<br /> + + 2 S S.r. 4h. 32m.<br /> + + 3 S Rogation S.<br /> + + 4 M Sering. tkn.<br /> + + 5 Tu S.s. 7h. 27m.<br /> + + 6 W John Evan.<br /> + + 7 Th Holy Thurs.<br /> + + 8 F Le Sage b.<br /> + + 9 S Hf. qr. Day<br /> + +10 S S. af. Ascen.<br /> + +11 M Chatham d.<br /> + +12 Tu Albt. Mem. c.<br /> + +13 W O. May Day<br /> + +14 Th Gratton d.<br /> + +15 F O'Connell d.<br /> + +16 S B. Albuera<br /> + +17 S Whit Sun.<br /> + +18 M Bk. Holiday<br /> + +19 Tu Dunstan<br /> + +20 W Columbus d.<br /> + +21 Th Cawnpore<br /> + +22 F Dasent b.<br /> + +23 S M. Lemon d.<br /> + +24 S Trin. Sun.<br /> + +25 M Pr. Hel. b.<br /> + +26 Tu Augustine<br /> + +27 W Ven. Bede<br /> + +28 Th Corp. Christ.<br /> + +29 F Chas. II. res.<br /> + +30 S Pope d.<br /> + +31 S 1 Sn. af. Tr.<br /></small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 M Nicomede<br /> + + 2 Tu Harvey b.<br /> + + 3 W S.r. 3h. 50m.<br /> + + 4 Th S.s. 8h. 7m.<br /> + + 5 F Weber d.<br /> + + 6 S Calpee tkn.<br /> + + 7 S 2 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + + 8 M D. Jerrold d.<br /> + + 9 Tu Paxton d.<br /> + +10 W Heilsberg<br /> + +11 Th Barnabas<br /> + +12 F B. Wilton<br /> + +13 S Hastgs. bhd.<br /> + +14 S 3 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +15 M Mag. Charta<br /> + +16 Tu Wat Tyl. sl.<br /> + +17 W St. Alban<br /> + +18 Th Waterloo<br /> + +19 F B. Wavres<br /> + +20 S Q. Vic. Ac.<br /> + +21 S 4 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +22 M B. Pered<br /> + +23 Tu B. Plassy<br /> + +24 W Midsm. D.<br /> + +25 Th B. Altivia<br /> + +26 F Geo. IV. d.<br /> + +27 S Cairo tkn.<br /> + +28 S 5 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +29 M St. Peter<br /> + +30 Tu Roscoe d.</small></td></tr> + + + +<tr><td valign="top"><small>JULY xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>AUGUST xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>SEPTEMBER xxx Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>OCTOBER xxxi Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>NOVEMBER xxx Days.</small></td> +<td valign="top"><small>DECEMBER xxxi Days.</small></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td valign="top"><small> + + 1 W B. Boyne<br /> + + 2 Th S.r. 3h. 50m.<br /> + + 3 F B. Sadowa<br /> + + 4 S S.s. 8h. 17m.<br /> + + 5 S 6 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + + 6 M Old Mid. D.<br /> + + 7 Tu J. Huss bt.<br /> + + 8 W A. Smith d.<br /> + + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex.<br /> + +10 F Bp. Fell d.<br /> + +11 S B. Ouden<br /> + +12 S 7 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +13 M D. Orleans d.<br /> + +14 Tu Bastile des.<br /> + +15 W St. Swithin<br /> + +16 Th Beranger d.<br /> + +17 F Punch b. '41<br /> + +18 S Sherlock d.<br /> + +19 S 8 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +20 M Margaret<br /> + +21 Tu R. Burns d.<br /> + +22 W Salamanca<br /> + +23 Th Lyonet b.<br /> + +24 F Gibral. tkn.<br /> + +25 S St. James<br /> + +26 S 9 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + +27 M Talavera<br /> + +28 Tu Robesp. exe.<br /> + +29 W B. Beylau<br /> + +30 Th W. Penn d.<br /> + +31 F E. Pease d.</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 S Lammas<br /> + + 2 S 10 Sn. af. Tr.<br /> + + 3 M Bk. Holiday<br /> + + 4 Tu Oystr. Sea. c.<br /> + + 5 W S.r. 4h. 31m.<br /> + + 6 Th Dk. Edn. b.<br /> + + 7 F S.s. 7h. 37m.<br /> + + 8 S Otway b.<br /> + + 9 S 11 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +10 M C. Keene b.<br /> + +11 Tu Trin. Sit. c.<br /> + +12 W Grouse s.b.<br /> + +13 Th O. Lammas<br /> + +14 F Ld. Clyde d.<br /> + +15 S W. Scott b.<br /> + +16 S 12 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +17 M Ad. Blake d.<br /> + +18 Tu B. Spurs<br /> + +19 W Ozontero<br /> + +20 Th Saragossa<br /> + +21 F Blck. Ck. s.b.<br /> + +22 S B. Bosworth<br /> + +23 S 13 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +24 M S. Bartholo.<br /> + +25 Tu J. Watt d.<br /> + +26 W P. Cons. b.<br /> + +27 Th Thomson d.<br /> + +28 F B. Leipsic<br /> + +29 S Jno. Bp. bh.<br /> + +30 S 14 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +31 M Bunyan d.</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 Tu Part. sh. e.<br /> + + 2 W Capit. Sedan<br /> + + 3 Th S.r. 5 h. 17 m.<br /> + + 4 F S.s. 6 h. 39 m.<br /> + + 5 S Comte d.<br /> + + 6 S 15 S. af. Tr.<br /> + + 7 M Eunurchus<br /> + + 8 Tu Nat. B.V.M.<br /> + + 9 W B. Flodden<br /> + +10 Th B. Quesnoy<br /> + +11 F S. of Delhi<br /> + +12 S O.P. Riots<br /> + +13 S 16 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +14 M Holy Cross<br /> + +15 Tu B. Rajghur<br /> + +16 W Jas. II. d.<br /> + +17 Th Lambert<br /> + +18 F Geo. I. land.<br /> + +19 S B. Poitiers<br /> + +20 S 17 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +21 M St. Matth.<br /> + +22 Tu Virgil d.<br /> + +23 W Autn. Q. b.<br /> + +24 Th S. Butler d.<br /> + +25 F Porson d.<br /> + +26 S St. Cyprian<br /> + +27 S 18 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +28 M Nicopolis<br /> + +29 Tu Mich. Day<br /> + +30 W St. Jerome</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 Th Cam. M.T. b.<br /> + + 2 F Arago d.<br /> + + 3 S S.r. 6 h. 6 m.<br /> + + 4 S 19 S. af. Tr.<br /> + + 5 M S.s. 5 h. 28 m.<br /> + + 6 Tu Faith<br /> + + 7 W Abp. Laud b.<br /> + + 8 Th B. Actium<br /> + + 9 F St. Denys<br /> + +10 S Ox. M.T. b.<br /> + +11 S 20 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +12 M America d.<br /> + +13 Tu Edw. Conf.<br /> + +14 W B. Senlac<br /> + +15 Th Fire Ins. ex.<br /> + +16 F Soissons t.<br /> + +17 S Etheldreda<br /> + +18 S 21 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +19 M Kneller d.<br /> + +20 Tu B. Navarino<br /> + +21 W Trafalgar<br /> + +22 Th B. Edge Hill<br /> + +23 F Irish Reb.<br /> + +24 S P. Leigh d.<br /> + +25 S 22 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +26 M Danton b.<br /> + +27 Tu Cap. Cook b.<br /> + +28 W J. Locke d.<br /> + +29 Th J. Leech d.<br /> + +30 F Tower brnt.<br /> + +31 S All Hallows</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 S 23 S. af. Tr.<br /> + + 2 M All Souls<br /> + + 3 Tu Fall of Acre<br /> + + 4 W Will. III. b.<br /> + + 5 Th S.r. 7h. 3m.<br /> + + 6 F S.s. 4h. 23m.<br /> + + 7 S B. Mooltan<br /> + + 8 S 24 S. af. Tr.<br /> + + 9 M P. of Wls. b.<br /> + +10 Tu M. Luther b.<br /> + +11 W St. Martin<br /> + +12 Th Hf. qr. Day<br /> + +13 F Britius<br /> + +14 S Leibnitz d.<br /> + +15 S 25 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +16 M J. Bright b.<br /> + +17 Tu Hugh Bp. L.<br /> + +18 W Wilkie b.<br /> + +19 Th B. Arcola<br /> + +20 F Ld. Elgin d.<br /> + +21 S J. Hogg d.<br /> + +22 S 26 S. af. Tr.<br /> + +23 M St. Clemen.<br /> + +24 Tu J. Knox d.<br /> + +25 W Chantrey d.<br /> + +26 Th G. Grisi d.<br /> + +27 F De. Teck b.<br /> + +28 S Bunsen d.<br /> + +29 S 1 S. in Adv.<br /> + +30 M Burnand b.]</small></td> + +<td valign="top"><small> + + 1 Tu Prs. Wls. b.<br /> + + 2 W B. Austerl.<br /> + + 3 Th Bradbury b.<br /> + + 4 F Richelieu d.<br /> + + 5 S S.r. 7h. 51m.<br /> + + 6 S 2 S. in Adv.<br /> + + 7 M S.s. 3h. 50m.<br /> + + 8 Tu Baxter d.<br /> + + 9 W Vandyke d.<br /> + +10 Th Milton b.<br /> + +11 F Jno. Gay d.<br /> + +12 S Cibber d.<br /> + +13 S 3 S. in Adv.<br /> + +14 M P. Cons. d.<br /> + +15 Tu I. Walton d.<br /> + +16 W V. Weber b.<br /> + +17 Th Oxf. M.T. e.<br /> + +18 F D. 7 h. 46 m.<br /> + +19 S Cam. M.T. e.<br /> + +20 S 4 S. in Adv.<br /> + +21 M St. Thomas<br /> + +22 Tu Win. Q. b.<br /> + +23 W Jas. II. abd.<br /> + +24 Th Christ. Eve<br /> + +25 F Christ. Day<br /> + +26 S Bk. Holiday<br /> + +27 S Sun. af. Chr.<br /> + +28 M Innocents<br /> + +29 Tu Stafford ex.<br /> + +30 W Pegu anxd.<br /> + +31 Th Silvester</small></td></tr> + +</table> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + +<h2>TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>As they will probably be advertised in the Press of the day after +to-morrow.</i>)</h4> + +<p>EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.—Reserved +gallows seats, immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear +view of the dying struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's +last confession; Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, +ditto, three guineas. (8.30 A.M.)</p> + +<p>TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner. +Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense +excitement. A few special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable +(including "snack" luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding +front view of the Judge when summing-up, and close sight +of the prisoner's facial play during the passing of sentence, &c, +(11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in their places not later than 10.30.)</p> + +<p>GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.—Additional +Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great +criminals from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital +Punishments in all Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations +(3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture +Chamber in full work. Grand Execution Tableaux, +in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments +inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. +(3 o'clock and 6.30.) <i>Auto-da-Fé</i> at 2.30 and 7. +Admission One Shilling. Children under +eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats +(inclusive of all Shows) One Guinea. +Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand +persons, chiefly Ladies, passed the +turnstiles last Wednesday.)</p> + +<p>PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION +AT THE SENSATIONAL +SURGICAL SOCIETY'S ROOMS.—Exhibition +of the droll +effects of Curari upon +subjects under the knife, +and the actual cautery. +No annoying noise, or +disconcerting struggles! +Bulgarian Band will +play Popular Pieces. +(3 P.M.)</p> + +<p>BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.—Full +Spanish Programme this +day. Absolutely no restrictions! +Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors killed last +week, and seven seriously +injured. No deception! +Extra fierce bulls to-day, and consequent +prospect of +HIGHLY SENSATIONAL SCENES IN THE +ARENA!!! Admission, +1<i>s.</i> to £5 5<i>s.</i> Specially +Reserved Front Seats for +Ladies, £7 7<i>s.</i> (3 P.M., and 8.30.)</p> + +<p>IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.—Phonographic +Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of +Criminals. Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial +(Women especially). Reports of Cases tried <i>in Camerâ</i>. Private +Conversations of parties to <i>Causes Célèbres</i>, &c., &c., &c. Highly +realistic revelations, and Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, +Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.)</p> + +<p>PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.—NOW open daily. Admission +by private card only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is +compulsory). Two Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction +of pictures in Special Art Sanctum, £10 10<i>s.</i> (10 till 4 only.)</p> + +<p>GHOUL THEATRE.—<i>The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, +The Demon of Dahomey</i>! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in +Five Acts, and a Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! +The Torture!! The Tub!!! Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed +Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders and Side-splitting Suicides! +Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and Tremendous Thrills of +Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence at 8.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30!</p> +<p>The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5!</p> +<p class="i10"> Carriages at 11.10!</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and +still crowded with the <i>élite</i> of Fashion! Be in time!!!</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/2.png" alt="LITERARY STARS." /></a><h3>"LITERARY STARS."</h3></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.</h2> + +<p><i>January</i>.—Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception +<i>en route</i>.</p> + +<p><i>February</i>.—Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at +Dover. Triumphant progress to London.</p> + +<p><i>March</i>.—Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the +Freedom of the City.</p> + +<p><i>April</i>.—Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers +on every side, and unlimited hospitality.</p> + +<p><i>May</i>.—Lion of the London Season. Hundreds +of nightly invitations.</p> + +<p><i>June</i>.—Gaiety from morning to night. Universal +recognition of distinguished conduct.</p> + +<p><i>July</i>.—Phenomenal success of book of travels +and adventures.</p> + +<p><i>August</i>.—Popularity at its height everywhere, +save in town, which now begins to empty.</p> + +<p><i>September</i>.—Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.</p> + +<p><i>October</i>.—Unpleasantness on the increase. +Interviewing, letters to the papers, and sensational +journalism generally.</p> + +<p><i>November</i>.—Demonstration at the Lord +Mayor's Show. Charges, counter-charges, and +recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, +strongly recommended row.</p> + +<p><i>December</i>.—Fresh sensation (about a +murder or a charitable scheme) and everything +forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe +a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.</h3> + +<p><i>Emperor of R-ss-a</i>.—To personally visit Siberia.</p> + +<p><i>King of It-ly</i>.—To come to terms with the Vatican.</p> + +<p><i>Emperor of G-rm-ny</i>.—To stay at home.</p> + +<p><i>King of P-rtug-l</i>.—To accept the situation in Africa.</p> + +<p><i>President C-rn-t</i>.—To forget the existence of Egypt.</p> + +<p><i>King of Sp-n</i>.—To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.</p> + +<p><i>Emperor of A-str-a</i>.—Between Kingdom and Empire, to make +both ends meet.</p> + +<p><i>Lord S-l-sb-ry</i>.—To prepare for the General Election.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Gl-dst-ne</i>.—To explain Home Rule.</p> + +<p><i>Lord R. Ch-rch-ll</i>.—To give up racing in favour of politics.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. H.M. St-nl-y</i>.—To re-write <i>Darkest Africa</i>.</p> + +<p><i>General B-th</i>.—To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s</i>.—To attend to his professional duties, +and get through his official work.</p> + +<p><i>And Mr. P-nch</i>.—To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a +century.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.—Should Mr. WILSON +BARRETT contemplate giving another <i>Matinée</i> of that out-of-date +play, <i>The Lady of Lyons</i>, why not change its title to <i>The Old +Lady of Lyons</i>? No extra charge for this suggestion.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.—Police Protection to TIM HEALY.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/3.png" alt="MODERN VERSION OF 'PAUL AND VIRGINIA.'" /></a><h3>MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."</h3></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + +<h3>THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +SCENE—<i>The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs are +heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all kinds, +which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while the men +rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded corner,</i> +Mr. NIGHTINGALE <i>and</i> MISS ROSE <i>are conversing in whispers.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i> (<i>Stage-Manager and Organiser—self-appointed</i>). +No—but I say, <i>really</i>, you know, we <i>must</i> try and decide on +something—we've +been out half an hour, and the people will be getting +impatient! (<i>To the Ladies</i>.) Do come and help; it's really no +use dressing up till we've settled what we're going <i>to do</i>. Can't +<i>anybody</i> think of a good Word?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Larkspur</i>. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with +the same plot and characters all through. We did that once at +the Grange, and it was awfully good—just like a regular Comedy!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i>. Ah, but we've got to hit on <i>a Word</i> first. +Come—nobody +got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over +<i>there</i>, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting +your heads together?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Nightingale</i> (<i>confused</i>). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, +ah—yes, we've thought of a <i>lot</i> of Words.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Rose</i>. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>They resume their conversation</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, +won't <i>you</i> give us a Word?</p> + +<p><i>Chorus of Ladies</i>. Oh, <i>do</i>, Professor—you're sure to think of +something clever!</p> + +<p><i>Professor Pollen</i> (<i>modestly</i>). Well, really, I've so little experience +in these matters that—A Word <i>has</i> just occurred to me, +however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet with +approval—(<i>he beams at them with modest pride through his +spectacles</i>)—it's "Monocotyledonous."</p> + +<p><i>Chorus of Ladies</i>. Charming! Monocottle—Oh, can't we <i>do</i> +that?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>dubiously</i>). We might—but—er—what's it +<i>mean</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Prof. Pollen</i>. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant +which has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with <i>two</i> +are termed—</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only +one seed-lobe myself—and then the syllables—"mon"—"oh"—"cot"—"till"—we +shouldn't get done before <i>midnight</i>, you know!</p> + +<p><i>Prof. Pollen</i> (<i>With mild pique</i>). Well, I merely threw it out as a +suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I +was wrong; no doubt.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Settee</i> (<i>nervously</i>). I've thought of a word. How +would—er—"<i>Familiar</i>" do?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>severely</i>). Now, <i>really</i>. SETTEE, <i>do</i> try not to +footle like +this! [Mr. SETTEE <i>subsides amidst general disapproval</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Flinders</i>. (<i>With a flash of genius</i>). I've got it—<i>Gamboge</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:—"Gam"—"booge." +How do you see it yourself?</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[Mr. FLINDERS <i>discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see it, and +the suggestion is allowed to drop</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Miss Pelagia Rhys</i>. <i>I've</i> an idea. <i>Familiar!</i> +"Fame"—"ill"—"<i>liar</i>," +you know. [<i>Chorus of applause.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Capital! The very thing—congratulate you, Miss RHYS!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Settee</i> (<i>sotto voce</i>). But I say, look here, <i>I</i> suggested +that, +you know, and you said—!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>ditto</i>). What on earth <i>does</i> it matter who suggests +it, so +long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (<i>Aloud</i>.) How are we +going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE <i>sulks</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a +Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making +a lot of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing +the Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat inside +out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by way of +indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn themselves +with a similar regard to realism, and even more care +for appearances.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<h4>AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +<i>The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed +by faint applause</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (<i>No +response.</i>) +You might have played up to me a little more than you did—you +others. You let me do everything!</p> + +<p><i>Miss Larkspur</i>. You never let any of us get a word in!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Because you all talked at once, that was all. +Now then—"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to +me one by one, and say you're <i>ill</i>—see?</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a dressing-gown +and an old yeomanry helmet</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i> (<i>huffily</i>). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with +the audience—I'm no use <i>here</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential +butler, and show the patients in.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[Mr. W. <i>accepts—with a view to showing</i> PUSHINGTON <i>that other +people can act as well as he</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<h4>AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.</h4> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Seemed to <i>drag</i> a little, somehow! There was +no necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A +Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i>. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to +put some fun in <i>somewhere</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. P.</i> Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. +Nobody laughed.</p> + +<p><i>Professor Pollen</i>. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I +was describing my symptoms—which I can vouch for as scientifically +correct—you persisted in kicking my legs under the table—it was +unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. I was only trying to hint to you that as there +were a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview +short, Professor—that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Buckram</i>. If I had known the kind of questions you were +going to ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have +exposed myself to them. I say no more, but I must positively decline +to appear with you again.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets +carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c., +&c.—<i>until</i> +Miss BUCKRAM <i>is partly mollified</i>.) Now then—last syllable. +Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and all of you +come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that +screamingly funny!</p> + +<h4>AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.</h4> + +<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Muddled? Of <i>course</i> it was muddled—you all +called me a liar before I opened my mouth!</p> + +<p><i>The Rest</i>.—But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we +<i>had</i> to bring the Word in somehow.</p> + +<p><i>Pushington</i>. Bring it in?—but you needn't have let it <i>out</i>. +There was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We +must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again +(<i>muttering</i>). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't +understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + +<h4>AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.</h4> + +<p><i>General Murmur</i>. What <i>can</i> it be? Not <i>Turk</i>, I suppose, +or +Magician?—Quarrelling?—Parnellite?—Impertinence? Shall we +give it up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if +we don't, they'll do another; and it is getting <i>so</i> late, and such a +<i>long</i> drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, +indeed, we can't <i>imagine. "Familiar</i>!" To be sure—<i>how</i> clever, +and <i>how</i> well you all acted it, to be sure—you must be quite tired +after it all. I am sure <i>we</i>—hem—are deeply indebted to you ... My +dear Miss ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I +never recognised you a bit, nor <i>you</i>, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part +did <i>you</i> take?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Nightingale</i>. I—er—didn't take any particular part—wasn't +wanted, you know.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Rose</i>. Not to <i>act</i>,—so we stayed outside +and—and—arranged things.</p> + +<p><i>An Old Lady</i>. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none +of the pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Rose</i> (<i>sweetly</i>). Oh no. I mean yes!—but we didn't <i>mind</i> +it much.</p> + +<p><i>The O.L.</i> And which of you settled what the Word was to be?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. N.</i> Well, I believe we settled that together.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not of +the house-party. In the Smoking-room</i>, Mr. PUSHINGTON +<i>discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the +other men, and puts it down to jealousy</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.</h2> + +<p>We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our +principel Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, +and may it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one +cheer more for the bewtifool LADY MARESS, +and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, +we Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows +our dooty to the fairer and weaker sects +quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. +I next perposed the City Livvery +Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as +ort for to be printed and sircculated. I +had serttenly given a good deal of atention +to it, and praps shood have dun ewen +better if I hadn't quite forgot ewery word +of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, +was all about the lots of money as they +gives away. But I remembred all about +their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting to my +hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, +of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus +Dinners of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally +cause a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat +and xquisit a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was +werry considerabel diffrens of opinion about their warious choice +wines, but all agreed in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, +the trew libberality with which they was served, and not poured +out so close as to make the pore Waiter's dooty a thirsty and +tanterlising one indeed.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/4-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-1.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<p>We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not +forgettin the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody +knows as is anybody, and drank to their great success, for +werry ewident reesons.</p> + +<p>Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the +reckless ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, +as how as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was +to hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely +called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more +manly employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly +forgave him, more specially as he stands six foot one in his +stockings, let alone his boots. However he made up for his bad +manners by singing with his capital voice, his new Song of "<i>Old +Robert the Waiter</i>" being a rayther complementary Parody, as he +called it, upon "<i>Old Simon the Cellerer</i>," which was receeved with +emense aplause. So he gave, as an arncore, the Waiter's favrite +Glee of "<i>Mynear Van Dunk</i>," with its fine conwincing moral against +Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish.</p> + +<p>BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by +singing his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and +we sort our seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as +his Lordship hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the +follering sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May +all the well to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a +Crismus as we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind +thort, and a liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly +wants it this bitter weather." ROBERT.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:28%;"><a href="images/4-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-2.png" alt="" /></a>Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.</div> + +<p>MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY +JERUM," is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, +entitled <i>Told After Supper</i>. What he wants, that is, what he +ought to have whether he wants it or not, is judicious +editing. Had this process been applied to this eccentric +haphazardy book, scarcely more than a third +of it would have been published. "His style, in this +book at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I +say the same of his <i>Three Men in a Tub</i>, suggests the +idea of his writing being the work of a young man +who, among his companions +and admirers, has earned the reputation of being a 'deuced funny +chap,' and so has to struggle to live up to this reputation, or to live +it down." JERUMKY JERUM still somewhat affects Yankee humour, +not, however, in so forced and vulgar a manner as in his overpraised +<i>Three Men in a Boat</i>. Two of the Ghost Stories are +humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they been +introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very +palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's +night) brought in his story of <i>Tom Smart</i>, and of the inimitable +<i>Gabriel Grub</i>, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably +enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels—sandwich'd in +between heavy slabs of doughy material—stand a chance of not +being tasted. To anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, +"read about the Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and +EMILY. The tinted paper on which it is printed is a mistake, as +are also most of the amateurish illustrations."</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/4-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-3.png" alt="Goblins." /></a>Goblins.</div> + +<p><i>WOMAN</i>—not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"—nor woman +who in our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But +Woman, the weekly <i>Woman</i> who is doing uncommonly well and +in her fifty-third number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea +of a Christmas dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very +good and simple dinner it was. The same <i>Woman</i> gave also, among +a variety of next-day's treatments of Turkey, <i>Turkey in Aspic</i>, +Turkey in Europe, and Turkey in Asia—yes—but what about +"Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't look well; much better in French. +But we dare say it's very good, though, for breakfast or supper, +"devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat."</p> + +<p>I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested +me muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his +writings, though I do not remember ever having heard +the titles of his works mentioned, that, when a neat-looking +volume was sent me by Messrs. PATERSON & Co. +of <i>Leigh Hunt's Tales</i>, I anticipated great pleasure +from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in +anticipation. I have tried, as the song says, "A little +bit here, and a little bit there—Here a bit, +There a bit, And everywhere +a bit,"—but, hang me, says the Baron, if I can tackle any +one of them. The matter doesn't interest me, and the style doesn't +fascinate me. This may be rank heresy, but I can't help it. I +have tried, and failed. Well, better to have tried, and failed, than +never to have tried at all. But I shan't try again,—at least, not +on this collection of Tales.</p> + +<p>BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.—A good collection of pictures and +sculpture—including +works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, +ALFRED GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others—is on view at the +Royal Arcade Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for +the benefit of the family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young +sculptor, who died only a few weeks ago. Lots more to say, but +you won't stand it, and will probably say, "<i>Par! si bête</i>!" So no +more at present from yours par-entally, OLD PAR.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.—A Sheriff's Officer: a +Writ-ualist.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> + +<h2>A FORECAST FOR 1891.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>Being some Extracts from the Gloomy Outlooker's Diary.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/5-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/5-1.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Old Sol</i>. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. P.</i> "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"</p></div> + +<p><i>January</i>.—Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London +"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, +the fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15<i>s.</i> Milk, 10<i>s.</i> +the half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to +secure the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out +the Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of +coals. The Three per Cents go down to 35.</p> + +<p><i>February</i>.—Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis +makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, +crosses Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large +centre terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a +mile in Piccadilly.</p> + +<p><i>March</i>.—Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played +at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking +Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are +carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital.</p> + +<p><i>April</i>.—Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large +metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen +waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire +brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish the +flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the +holders of gas shares.</p> + +<p><i>May</i>.—The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute +stage. The "Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" +being patted on the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, +and seize the Stock Exchange and the Mansion House.</p> + +<p><i>June</i>.—The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter +stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of +England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation to +celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in returning +thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the takings" +of their hosts must have been "enormous."</p> + +<p><i>July</i>.—Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. +Triumphant return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed +themselves immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to +having another innings at "the way out."</p> + +<p><i>August</i>.—The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to +stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the hundred-ton +guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a shell +into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, bursting +itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of a letter in +the <i>Times</i> from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the matter will +be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department.</p> + +<p><i>September</i>.—A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several +Hotchkiss guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, +exceed the known figures of any previous <i>battue</i> to such an extent +that birds sell in Bond Street at <i>3d</i>. a brace, with the result that +the whole of Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the +next seven years.</p> + +<p><i>October</i>.—The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to +be got anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament +meet the "food" crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative +Society, and bring up their own cattle to London. Being, however, +unable to kill them professionally without the aid of a butcher, +they blow them up with gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, +for which proceedings they are somewhat maliciously +prosecuted by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.</p> + +<p><i>November</i>.—The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, +several Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a +tour of their immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, +thereby realising a very handsome sum in halfpence from a not +unsympathetic public.</p> + +<p><i>December</i>.—First signs of a probable second edition of a "good +old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence. +Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only +frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891 +terminates in gloomy despair.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>EDWIN AND ANGELINA.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>One More Version.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="figright" style="width:18%;"><a href="images/5-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/5-2.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—I beg of you to hear my tale of woe,</p> +<p>My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know;</p> +<p>How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted,</p> +<p>And I am left to shed a tear—alone, and broken-hearted.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We were engaged for eighteen months—he often said that life</p> +<p>Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife.</p> +<p>My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle,"</p> +<p>He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea—</p> +<p>She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me.</p> +<p>I thought him quite a model youth—hard-working, loyal, steady,</p> +<p>A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.",</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known</p> +<p>Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own."</p> +<p>It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely,</p> +<p>Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm,</p> +<p>I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm;</p> +<p>So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever,</p> +<p>But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He only called me darling once! how different from before!</p> +<p>Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)?</p> +<p>And was he tired of me—the girl he loved so fondly, dearly?</p> +<p>It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes—was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove?</p> +<p>You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love!</p> +<p>I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly,</p> +<p>That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast</p> +<p>Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best;</p> +<p>And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly,</p> +<p>But it <i>was</i> more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The truth was clear—I quickly sent him back his lovely <i>cartes</i>,</p> +<p>His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts.</p> +<p>I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried—</p> +<p>And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know,</p> +<p>You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go.</p> +<p>And if you know, dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, a husband, say you've seen a</p> +<p>Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>ANGELINA.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?—Under the +beneficent influence of the early coal dews—subsequently spelt coal +dues—which have existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan +Improvements have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks +to ignorant, but well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues +being abolished, up goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there +is no surplus for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of +coal dues were considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, +"Hard times, come again once more!"</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/6.png" alt="" /></a><h3>PRIG-STICKING.</h3> + +<p><i>Little Prigson</i>. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST +OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS +SISTAH'S <i>QUITE</i> THE NICEST GIRL I EVER MET."</p> + +<p><i>Aunt Eliza</i>. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU <i>MIGHT</i> +HAVE HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL +EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF <i>PRESENT COMPANY</i>!"</p> + +<p><i>Cousin Maud</i>. "YES; IN <i>BOTH</i> CASES, YOU KNOW!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"</h2> + +<p><i>Mr. Punch, loquitur</i>:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy,</p> +<p class="i2">Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily,</p> +<p>'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy,</p> +<p class="i4">At least, you're beginning most merrily.</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> You make a good start, anyhow.</p> +<p class="i2">With a kiss from the lips that can never betray,</p> +<p class="i2">There's many a girl would be greeted <i>that</i> way!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You're welcome, my lad! It is <i>Punch's</i> old style</p> +<p class="i2">To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers;</p> +<p>In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile,</p> +<p class="i4"><i>His</i> warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers!</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow.</p> +<p class="i2">He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Sursum corda</i>! That motto's the best of the bunch;</p> +<p class="i2">Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker.</p> +<p>Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from <i>Punch</i>,</p> +<p class="i4">Never helped one in heart or exchequer,</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> You cannot do better, I vow,</p> +<p class="i2">Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule,</p> +<p class="i2">As your very first tip in your very first school.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad?</p> +<p class="i2">And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus,</p> +<p>Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad.</p> +<p class="i4">How well the Venusian knows us!</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> <i>He</i> never kissed maid, but somehow</p> +<p class="i2">Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine</p> +<p class="i2">With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch,</p> +<p class="i2">(Though sometimes my <i>bâton</i> must play—on rogues' shoulders.)</p> +<p>Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch</p> +<p class="i4">By Orbilian smiters and scolders.</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> A kiss is best treatment, I trow.</p> +<p class="i2">A salute from the lips of your <i>Punch</i> you'll not spurn,</p> +<p class="i2">And the young guests around you shall each take a turn.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear,</p> +<p class="i2">There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon,</p> +<p>But—well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year</p> +<p class="i4">As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on.</p> +<p class="i10"> Under the Mistletoe Bough</p> +<p class="i10"> You look mighty kissable—now.</p> +<p class="i2">So here goes another, for luck like, my dear,</p> +<p class="i2">As we wish everybody A Happy New Year!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Old Morality's Christmas Card and New Year Wishes.</h3> + +<p>This communication is designed to convey the expression of the +wish that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those +not distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed +a season of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve +months, upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with +Happiness. (<i>Signed</i>) W.H.S.</p> + +<p><i>Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve</i>, 1890.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the +title and name of BISHOP KING.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" src="images/7.png" alt="A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" /></a><h3>"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"</h3></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/9-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-1.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE."</h3> + +"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I +propose to make a few additions to my usual +forensic costume."—<i>Extract from a Letter of +Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend</i>.</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE END OF THE YEAR.</h2> + +<p>To a Friend,</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Do you remember how we sat,</p> +<p class="i2">We two, in this same room together</p> +<p>Last year, and talked of this and that,</p> +<p class="i2">And warmed our toes and cursed the weather?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud</p> +<p class="i2">(We both smoked briars, I remember),</p> +<p>And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed</p> +<p class="i2">To do or die ere next December?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We spoke without respect of BEN,</p> +<p class="i2">BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly;</p> +<p><i>Now</i> BEN bamboozles jurymen,</p> +<p class="i2">And makes his thousand guineas yearly.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We both despised the wretched JOE,</p> +<p class="i2">My fag at school, your butt at College.</p> +<p>Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow,</p> +<p class="i2">Choked with absurdly useful knowledge.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet JOE assists to give us laws,</p> +<p class="i2">Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form,</p> +<p>'Midst empty thunders of applause,</p> +<p class="i2">Erect on many a Tory platform.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And poor, inconsequential JACK,</p> +<p class="i2">His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's,</p> +<p>Has married money, keeps a hack,</p> +<p class="i2">And has a big account at COUTTS's.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square,</p> +<p class="i2">And DICK is noted for his dinners—</p> +<p>Life is a race, but was it fair,</p> +<p class="i2">We asked, that <i>these</i> should be the winners?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We, too, would win; and Heaven knows</p> +<p class="i2">What vows we uttered fiery-hearted,</p> +<p>While '89 drew to its close,</p> +<p class="i2">And '90 found us—so we parted.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<hr class="short" /> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And here, good lack, while '90 wanes,</p> +<p class="i2">Our candles flaring in their sockets,</p> +<p>We sit once more and count our gains—</p> +<p class="i2">Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends;</p> +<p class="i2">Men prate of wealth in empty words, I</p> +<p>Sit here content as '90 ends.</p> +<p class="i2">And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2> + +<h4>SEASONABLE.</h4> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating +and explosive Stimulant.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal +Restorer.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping +baby instantly flying out of the +cradle.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid +Grandfather suddenly mount to +the fifth storey by leaps and bounds.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate +influenza.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache +into delirium.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows +up the brain tissues.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole +household on the sneeze.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever +in the Infant School.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the +Hippopotamus.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief +Justice off the Bench.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the +dentist.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop +dancing a break-down.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher +into a Lunatic Asylum.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising +Politician.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation +of the Prime Minister.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler +cab-horse win the Derby.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor +for Practical Jokers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely +relied on by Master TOMMY.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the +baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into +the Soup at a dinner-party, will lead +to a serious riot in the dining-room.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in +a sandwich, will choke an Uncle.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general +disorganiser of every Household.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.—A Pinch will +thoroughly banish sleep for a whole +fortnight.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.—"An Octogenarian +Consumer" writes:—"I was +in a comatose condition for twenty years, +when I came across your Pepper. I had +scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my +arm-chair, and have danced a continual fandango +ever since. I carry it loose in all my +pockets, and scatter it on all my friends +whenever I meet them. This has got me +kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I +do not in the least mind. I'm as merry and +as mad as a March hare—and your Pepper has done it."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.—The Proprietors +beg to inform their Friends and +Patrons that they can supply this highly +combustible and explosive compound in +felt safety cases, carefully packed at their +bomb-proof establishment in Barking Marshes, +at the usual retail prices, viz., 1<i>s.</i> 1-1/2<i>d.</i>, +2<i>s.</i> 9<i>d.</i>, 11<i>s.</i>, 21<i>s.</i>, and 31<i>s.</i> +6<i>d.</i>, &c, &c.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/9-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-2.png" alt="Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time." /></a>Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.</div> + +<p>Dear Mr. Punch,—I venture to address +you on a subject that I feel sure will enlist +your kind attention and sympathy. How am +I to get through Yule Tide? Ought I to give +up the dispatch of "cards," or ought I to send +them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances? +If I drop the custom, people who +like me will think I am outting them, and +persons with whom I am less popular will +imagine that economy, not to say meanness, +is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post +Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense," +and <i>do</i> send the cards. Well, I am in this +position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty +to get a suitable greeting to all those +who receive my annual benediction. If I +have "Wishing you and yours every happiness," +with my appended name and address +lithographed, the greeting seems cold, and +even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a +favourite Maiden Aunt; and unduly familiar +if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for +the first time in my life the day before +yesterday. Then if I trust to the ordinary +Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at +a loss to select an appropriate recipient for a +nestful of owls, or the picture of a Clown +touching up an elderly gentleman of highly +respectable appearance with a red-hot poker! +If I get a representation of flowers, the chances +are ten to one that the accompanying lines +are of a compromising character. It is +obviously cruel to send to a recently-widowed +Uncle some verses about "<i>Darby and Joan</i>," +and my Mother-in-law is not likely to feel +complimented if I forward to her a poetically +expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter +place than her own home—away, of +course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these +are the problems that meet the would-be Yule +Tide card distributer at every turn! I remain, +my dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, yours sincerely,</p> + +<p>ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW.</p> + +<p>P.S.—If this arrives late, thank the cards +that have overtaxed the postal arrangements.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The United Service Diary for 1891.</h3> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/9-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-3.png" alt="Extremes Meet." /></a>Extremes Meet.</div> + +<p><i>January to March</i>.—Soldiers +on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper.</p> + +<p><i>April to June</i>.—Soldiers at play. +Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper.</p> + +<p><i>July to September</i>.—Soldiers at +sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors +at play (<i>ditto</i>). Civil Servants away (<i>ditto</i>).</p> + +<p><i>October to December</i>.—Soldiers on leave. +Sailors at sea. Civil Servants reading the morning paper.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" src="images/10.png" alt="FOLLIES OF THE YEAR." /></a><h3>FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.</h3></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> + +<h2>IN THE LATEST STYLE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Our Intrepid Interviewer.</i>)</h4> + +<p>Feeling that your readers would be interested +in learning Mr. CHOSE's own view of +the unpleasant affair, I called upon the +distinguished Arctic Explorer just as he was +sitting down to breakfast.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I +asked, "that you stole the umbrellas?"</p> + +<p>The face of the warrior flushed angrily, +for a moment, and then regaining his composure, +he replied that he could not see the +point of possessing himself of articles that +would be absolutely valueless in those +extremely northern latitudes.</p> + +<p>"That is not the question," I persisted. +"I am sure you will forgive me, when you +remember that I speak in the name of the +Public; but what I want, and what they want +to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas? +Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No."</p> + +<p>"I don't see what either you or they have +to do with it," replied the Arctic Explorer, +cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a +matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do +with any of the luggage of the expedition. +So, if it is said, that I walked about with a +shower-protector that was not my own, you +can value the story for what it is worth. +Why, on the very face of it, the report is +ridiculous!"</p> + +<p>"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the +world is uncharitable. However, Mr. CHOSE, +perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your +friend and colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted +an aged Esquimaux into what he termed +Iced Greenlander?"</p> + +<p>'I have heard the story, certainly; but +cannot say whether it +is true or not. When the incident is alleged +to have happened, I was in another part of the +country, having been sent there to change +novels at the local circulating library."</p> + +<p>"But would you say it was probable?"</p> + +<p>"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, +chivalrous, merry, gladsome, gallant +young fellow. He was the soul of honour. +Why," he added, with deep emotion, "I have +left as much as fourpence in coppers on a +mantel-piece alone with him, and on my +return nave found every halfpenny of the +money untouched!"</p> + +<p>"Then do you not think he pushed the old +man into the sausage-machine?"</p> + +<p>"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, +or to win a wager, or perhaps as +practical joke. That he would do anything open to censure at the +hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely incredible. Why, he +is a Loamshire man!"</p> + +<p>"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have +finished your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. +Is it true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, +stifled your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?"</p> + +<p>The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said +something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated.</p> + +<p>"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking +pockets? And when it is said that you +were turned out of a Club for cheating at cards—"</p> + +<p>But at this point I was assisted to take +my leave with so much abruptness, that I +was forced to leave my last question but partially +formulated. On finding myself once +more in the street, I noticed that I was +reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A +little later, however, my hat was thrown after me.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"><h2>PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET.</h2><a href="images/11-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/11-1.png" alt="" /></a><h4>HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO SHAKSPEARE.</h4> + +<p>"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!"</p> + +<p><i>Note</i>.—Shakespeare was the originator of the +aesthetic expression "Too, too."</p></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/11-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/11-2.png" alt="" /></a><i>Queen</i>. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br /> +Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>POLITICS UP TO DATE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>Specimen Leader from an Irish Paper in a Chronic State of Revolution.</i>)</h4> + +<p>WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.—We appear this morning +awaiting the future with confidence and +hope. So far, we have been able to conduct +this journal on patriotic lines. We have +denounced the Leader of the Party as the +enemy of his country, and have applauded +his opponents as the saviours of society. +But we cannot conceal from ourselves that +the time may arrive when this policy may +be reversed. The hour may come—</p> + +<p>10 A.M.—It has! We have much pleasure +in informing our readers that, after a vigorous +fight (honourable to all who took part in it), +we have conquered. This paper is in our +hands, and henceforward we shall support, +to the best of our ability, the Leader of the +Party, and denounce the infamous pretensions +of his opponents; still, it would be unwise to +ignore the possibilities of the future. We +may be overpowered by a tyrannical majority. +The time may come—</p> + +<p>11 A.M.—It has! Hurroo! It was hard +fighting to get back; +but here we are again, +ready to denounce the +leader, and support his +opponents. For the +moment we are victorious, +but who shall prophesy what may be +looming in the distant +ages? The hour may come—</p> + +<p>12 NOON.—It has! And now that we have +again taken possession, we must say we have +never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs +were flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns +in all directions, and the scrimmages were +just magnificent! It was an elegant row +entirely! But now to work. Our noble +leader deserves his triumph, and his opponents +are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be +foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come—</p> + +<p>1 P.M.—It has! Be jabers, what a contest! +But we have just slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight +entirely! How the ink-pots flew about! Easy now, let us to business. +The shorter we make our remarks the better, as no one can +say what will be happening hereafter. The hour may come—</p> + +<p>2 P.M.—It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! +Hurroo, boys! This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail +of my—we mean—our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo!</p> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Publication suspended until someone can be found—not otherwise +engaged—to write and print it, while someone else starts +a rival and "suppressed" edition</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/12-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/12-1.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.</h2> + +<p><i>January</i>.—If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN +was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although +the Opposition tried to <i>hinder her</i> from assuming the title. Work +this out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't +be given away if only <i>lent</i>. This entertaining quibble (suitable to +five o'clock teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note +the colours of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the +blues." On the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First +date suggestive of PITT, the second of <i>pity</i>. Good joke for the +Midlands. Put it down to SHERIDAN.</p> + +<p><i>February</i>.—On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's +festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. +This said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical +luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary +missive, say it is less suggestive of <i>Valentine</i> than <i>Orson</i>. +This +capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they +laugh until the end of the month.</p> + +<p><i>March</i>.—Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. +If you take care to pronounce the victory <i>A-book-er</i>, you may +possibly +get a jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on +the turf, when you can call it "the defeat of <i>A-book-er</i>." Good at +a hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can +observe "1801?—the year of my birth!"</p> + +<p><i>April</i>.—Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be +"<i>All</i> Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who +reads the <i>Times</i>.</p> + +<p><i>May</i>.—You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty +date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and +explain that you meant a "<i>Connaughty</i> date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's +Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint +conceit a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the +celebrated songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles +from London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps +venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being +like "lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not +expect any one to laugh.</p> + +<p><i>June</i>.—The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and +there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's +Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" +are few and far between, according to WHITAKER.</p> + +<p><i>July</i>.—Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it +is also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce +the victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause +merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their +lives on desert islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On +the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that +although a priceless boon it was only a <i>light</i> relief. If you can +only introduce this really clever <i>bon mot</i> into a speech at a wedding +breakfast, a railway indignation meeting or a debate in the +House of Lords, it is sure to go with bowls not to say +shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in founding +Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement +is the nearest approach to levity that in +common decency can be tolerated in a mourning coach.</p> + +<p><i>August</i>.—On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 +British slaves were freed. You might ask satirically, +how many slaves (be they husbands or be they wives) +now exist? You might offer this to a clergyman to +be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the +Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up +of an infant school) that on account of the +extremely warm reception to which the French were +welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be appropriately +called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." +This will be found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home +on furlough, and an Honorary Royal Academician living +in retirement.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/12-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/12-2.png" alt="" /></a><h4>ALWAYS ENTERTAINING;</h4> + +<p>OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!</p></div> + +<p><i>September</i>.—On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. +Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing +off guns without loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. +On the 3rd, the present Lord Chancellor born in 1825—the +name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-<i>bury</i>. A little +obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply +repay time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS +(who may be amusingly called "Watts-his-name"), died +in 1869. Not much in this, but may possibly fill up an +awkward pause during the reading of a will, or the +arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's +initial hospitality at five o'clock tea.</p> + +<p><i>October</i>.—FIELDING, the novelist, <i>bowled out</i> on the +8th in 1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th—an awful +example to habitual drunkards. Pheasant-shooting +commences. Right time to tell that story about the +Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot <i>peasants</i> instead! +This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians +who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.</p> + +<p><i>November</i>.—Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs +about having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take +the chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. +Lord Mayor's Day on the 9th—opportunity for letting +off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000 a Mayor's Nest-egg," +&c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular—the +infliction is too serious for jocularity!</p> + +<p><i>December</i>.—Holiday time for everyone, +inclusive of that most melancholy of persons "the +funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) +reaches the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man +(born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing +Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the +world a Happy New Year.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>APPROPRIATE.—Sir,—Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas +legal case than appeared in the <i>Times</i> Law Report, December +20th, and which was entitled "<i>The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre</i> +v. <i>The Justices of Lancashire</i>?" What delightful names +for a comic chorus to a <i>Bab Ballad</i> in a Pantomime.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Solo</i>. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor</p> +<p><i>Chorus</i>. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee;</p> +<p><i>Solo</i>. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare,</p> +<p><i>Chorus</i>. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be +serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether +MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will +in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule +there will be no exception.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., January 3, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12860-h.htm or 12860-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/6/12860/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., January 3, 1891. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 9, 2004 [EBook #12860] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 3, 1891. + + + + +[Illustration: VOL. C, CALENDAR] + + JANUARY xxxi Days. + + 1 Th N. Year's D. + 2 F Abydos t. + 3 S L. Hunt b. + 4 S 2 S. af. Chr. + 5 M Sambourne] + 6 T Epiphany + 7 W Bp. Ely d. + 8 Th Cam. L.T.b. + 9 F S.r. 8 h. 6 m. + 10 S S.s. 4 h. 10 m. + 11 S 1.S. af. Epip. + 12 M Hil. Sit. b. + 13 Tu B. Cannae + 14 W Oxf. L.T. b. + 15 Th Orsini plot + 16 F B. Corunna + 17 S Franklin b. + 18 S 2 S. af. Epip. + 19 M Watt b. + 20 Tu Fabian + 21 W Agnes + 22 Th Vincent + 23 F Pitt d. 1806 + 24 S Fox b. 1749 + 25 S Septuag. S. + 26 M Brazil disc. + 27 Tu J. Gibson d. + 28 W Prescott d. + 29 Th Capit. Paris + 30 F Chas. I. bhd. + 31 S B. Jonson b. + + + FEBRUARY xxviii Days. + + 1 S Sexages. S. + 2 M B. Lincoln + 3 Tu Bassevi d. + 4 W S.r. 7 h. 36 m. + 5 Th Galvani d. + 6 F S.s. 4 h. 56 m. + 7 S Dickens b. + 8 S Quinqu. S. + 9 M Darnley m. + 10 Tu Q.V. marr. + 11 W Ash. Wed. + 12 Th Cellini d. + 13 F Revol. 1688 + 14 S Valentine + 15 S 1 S. in Lent. + 16 M Burke exe. + 17 Tu Braham d. + 18 W Luther d. + 19 Th Copernic. b. + 20 F J. Hume d. + 21 S Trinidad t. + 22 S 2 S. in Lent + 23 M S. Brookes d. + 24 Tu Matthias + 25 W Wren d. + 26 Th T. Moore d. + 27 F Benevento + 28 S J. Tenniel + + + MARCH xxxi Days. + + 1 S 3 S. in Lent + 2 M Wesley d. + 3 Tu B. Merton + 4 W Somers b. + 5 Th S.r. 6 h. 39 m. + 6 F Du Maurier + 7 S S.s. 5 h. 48 m. + 8 S 4 S. in Lent + 9 M Cobbett b. + 10 Tu Schiller b. + 11 W Inc. T. imp. + 12 Th Gregory + 13 F Talfourd d. + 14 S Byng shot + 15 S 5 S. in Lent + 16 M Dr. Kent d. + 17 Tu St. Patrick + 18 W Suez cnl. op. + 19 Th Lucknow t. + 20 F B. Alexand. + 21 S Benedict + 22 S Palm S. + 23 M Nat. Gal. f. + 24 Tu Q. Eliz. d. + 25 W Lady Day + 26 Th D. Camb. b. + 27 F Good Frid. + 28 S Cateau + 29 S East. Sun. + 30 M Bk. Holiday + 31 Tu Haydn b. + + + APRIL xxx Days. + + 1 W All Fools + 2 Th S.r. 5 h. 35 m. + 3 F S.s. 6 h. 34 m. + 4 S Ambrose bp. + 5 S Low Sun. + 6 M O. Lady-Day + 7 Tu Pr. Leop. b. + 8 W B. Savona + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 10 F Cam. E.T. b. + 11 S Canning d. + 12 S 2 S. af. Eas. + 13 M Handel d. + 14 Tu Prs. Beatr. b. + 15 W S. Maron. + 16 Th Thiers b. + 17 F B. Culloden + 18 S Graunt d. + 19 S 3 S. af. Eas. + 20 M Spa. fl. des. + 21 Tu Bp. Heber b. + 22 W Odessa bom. + 23 Th St. George + 24 F B. Landrec. + 25 S Prs. Alice b. + 26 S 4 S. af. Eas. + 27 M Gibbon b. + 28 Tu B. Tours + 29 W S. Cath. S. + 30 Th Fitzroy d. + + + MAY xxxi Days. + + 1 F May Day + 2 S S.r. 4 h. 32 m. + 3 S Rogation S. + 4 M Sering. tkn. + 5 Tu S.s. 7 h. 27 m. + 6 W John Evan. + 7 Th Holy Thurs. + 8 F Le Sage b. + 9 S Hf. qr. Day + 10 S S. af. Ascen. + 11 M Chatham d. + 12 Tu Albt. Mem. c. + 13 W O. May Day + 14 Th Gratton d. + 15 F O'Connell d. + 16 S B. Albuera + 17 S Whit Sun. + 18 M Bk. Holiday + 19 Tu Dunstan + 20 W Columbus d. + 21 Th Cawnpore + 22 F Dasent b. + 23 S M. Lemon d. + 24 S Trin. Sun. + 25 M Pr. Hel. b. + 26 Tu Augustine + 27 W Ven. Bede + 28 Th Corp. Christ. + 29 F Chas. II. res. + 30 S Pope d. + 31 S 1 Sn. af. Tr. + + + JUNE xxx Days. + + 1 M Nicomede + 2 Tu Harvey b. + 3 W S.r. 3 h. 50 m. + 4 Th S.s. 8 h. 7 m. + 5 F Weber d. + 6 S Calpee tkn. + 7 S 2 Sn. af. Tr. + 8 M D. Jerrold d. + 9 Tu Paxton d. + 10 W Heilsberg + 11 Th Barnabas + 12 F B. Wilton + 13 S Hastgs. bhd. + 14 S 3 Sn. af. Tr. + 15 M Mag. Charta + 16 Tu Wat Tyl. sl. + 17 W St. Alban + 18 Th Waterloo + 19 F B. Wavres + 20 S Q. Vic. Ac. + 21 S 4 Sn. af. Tr. + 22 M B. Pered + 23 Tu B. Plassy + 24 W Midsm. D. + 25 Th B. Altivia + 26 F Geo. IV. d. + 27 S Cairo tkn. + 28 S 5 Sn. af. Tr. + 29 M St. Peter + 30 Tu Roscoe d. + + + JULY xxxi Days. + + 1 W B. Boyne + 2 Th S.r. 3 h. 50 m. + 3 F B. Sadowa + 4 S S.s. 8 h. 17 m. + 5 S 6 Sn. af. Tr. + 6 M Old Mid. D. + 7 Tu J. Huss bt. + 8 W A. Smith d. + 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 10 F Bp. Fell d. + 11 S B. Ouden + 12 S 7 Sn. af. Tr. + 13 M D. Orleans d. + 14 Tu Bastile des. + 15 W St. Swithin + 16 Th Beranger d. + 17 F Punch b. '41 + 18 S Sherlock d. + 19 S 8 Sn. af. Tr. + 20 M Margaret + 21 Tu R. Burns d. + 22 W Salamanca + 23 Th Lyonet b. + 24 F Gibral. tkn. + 25 S St. James + 26 S 9 Sn. af. Tr. + 27 M Talavera + 28 Tu Robesp. exe. + 29 W B. Beylau + 30 Th W. Penn d. + 31 F E. Pease d. + + + AUGUST xxxi Days. + + 1 S Lammas + 2 S 10 Sn. af. Tr. + 3 M Bk. Holiday + 4 Tu Oystr. Sea. c. + 5 W S.r. 4 h. 31 m. + 6 Th Dk. Edn. b. + 7 F S.s. 7 h. 37 m. + 8 S Otway b. + 9 S 11 S. af. Tr. + 10 M C. Keene b. + 11 Tu Trin. Sit. c. + 12 W Grouse s.b. + 13 Th O. Lammas + 14 F Ld. Clyde d. + 15 S W. Scott b. + 16 S 12 S. af. Tr. + 17 M Ad. Blake d. + 18 Tu B. Spurs + 19 W Ozontero + 20 Th Saragossa + 21 F Blck. Ck. s.b. + 22 S B. Bosworth + 23 S 13 S. af. Tr. + 24 M S. Bartholo. + 25 Tu J. Watt d. + 26 W P. Cons. b. + 27 Th Thomson d. + 28 F B. Leipsic + 29 S Jno. Bp. bh. + 30 S 14 S. af. Tr. + 31 M Bunyan d. + + + SEPTEMBER xxx Days. + + 1 Tu Part. sh. e. + 2 W Capit. Sedan + 3 Th S.r. 5 h. 17 m. + 4 F S.s. 6 h. 39 m. + 5 S Comte d. + 6 S 15 S. af. Tr. + 7 M Eunurchus + 8 Tu Nat. B.V.M. + 9 W B. Flodden + 10 Th B. Quesnoy + 11 F S. of Delhi + 12 S O.P. Riots + 13 S 16 S. af. Tr. + 14 M Holy Cross + 15 Tu B. Rajghur + 16 W Jas. II. d. + 17 Th Lambert + 18 F Geo. I. land. + 19 S B. Poitiers + 20 S 17 S. af. Tr. + 21 M St. Matth. + 22 Tu Virgil d. + 23 W Autn. Q. b. + 24 Th S. Butler d. + 25 F Porson d. + 26 S St. Cyprian + 27 S 18 S. af. Tr. + 28 M Nicopolis + 29 Tu Mich. Day + 30 W St. Jerome + + + OCTOBER xxxi Days. + + 1 Th Cam. M.T. b. + 2 F Arago d. + 3 S S.r. 6 h. 6 m. + 4 S 19 S. af. Tr. + 5 M S.s. 5 h. 28 m. + 6 Tu Faith + 7 W Abp. Laud b. + 8 Th B. Actium + 9 F St. Denys + 10 S Ox. M.T. b. + 11 S 20 S. af. Tr. + 12 M America d. + 13 Tu Edw. Conf. + 14 W B. Senlac + 15 Th Fire Ins. ex. + 16 F Soissons t. + 17 S Etheldreda + 18 S 21 S. af. Tr. + 19 M Kneller d. + 20 Tu B. Navarino + 21 W Trafalgar + 22 Th B. Edge Hill + 23 F Irish Reb. + 24 S P. Leigh d. + 25 S 22 S. af. Tr. + 26 M Danton b. + 27 Tu Cap. Cook b. + 28 W J. Locke d. + 29 Th J. Leech d. + 30 F Tower brnt. + 31 S All Hallows + + + NOVEMBER xxx Days. + + 1 S 23 S. af. Tr. + 2 M All Souls + 3 Tu Fall of Acre + 4 W Will. III. b. + 5 Th S.r. 7 h. 3 m. + 6 F S.s. 4 h. 23 m. + 7 S B. Mooltan + 8 S 24 S. af. Tr. + 9 M P. of Wls. b. + 10 Tu M. Luther b. + 11 W St. Martin + 12 Th Hf. qr. Day + 13 F Britius + 14 S Leibnitz d. + 15 S 25 S. af. Tr. + 16 M J. Bright b. + 17 Tu Hugh Bp. L. + 18 W Wilkie b. + 19 Th B. Arcola + 20 F Ld. Elgin d. + 21 S J. Hogg d. + 22 S 26 S. af. Tr. + 23 M St. Clemen. + 24 Tu J. Knox d. + 25 W Chantrey d. + 26 Th G. Grisi d. + 27 F De. Teck b. + 28 S Bunsen d. + 29 S 1 S. in Adv. + 30 M Burnand b.] + + + DECEMBER xxxi Days. + + 1 Tu Prs. Wls. b. + 2 W B. Austerl. + 3 Th Bradbury b. + 4 F Richelieu d. + 5 S S.r. 7 h. 51 m. + 6 S 2 S. in Adv. + 7 M S.s. 3 h. 50 m. + 8 Tu Baxter d. + 9 W Vandyke d. + 10 Th Milton b. + 11 F Jno. Gay d. + 12 S Cibber d. + 13 S 3 S. in Adv. + 14 M P. Cons. d. + 15 Tu I. Walton d. + 16 W V. Weber b. + 17 Th Oxf. M.T. e. + 18 F D. 7 h. 46 m. + 19 S Cam. M.T. e. + 20 S 4 S. in Adv. + 21 M St. Thomas + 22 Tu Win. Q. b. + 23 W Jas. II. abd. + 24 Th Christ. Eve + 25 F Christ. Day + 26 S Bk. Holiday + 27 S Sun. af. Chr. + 28 M Innocents + 29 Tu Stafford ex. + 30 W Pegu anxd. + 31 Th Silvester + + * * * * * + +TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS. + +(_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTER +TO-MORROW._) + +EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.--Reserved gallows seats, +immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying +struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession; +Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas. +(8.30 A.M.) + +TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner. +Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few +special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack" +luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the +Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play +during the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in +their places not later than 10.30.) + +GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.--Additional +Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals +from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all +Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) +Old Newgate. Mediaeval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution +Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments +inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6.30.) +_Auto-da-Fe_ at 2.30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under +eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One +Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies, +passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.) + +PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S +ROOMS.--Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under +the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting +struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.) + +BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.--Full Spanish Programme this day. +Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors +killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra +fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL +SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. to L5 5s. Specially Reserved +Front Seats for Ladies, L7 7s. (3 P.M., and 8.30.) + +IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.--Phonographic +Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals. +Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially). +Reports of Cases tried _in Camera_. Private Conversations of parties +to _Causes Celebres_, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and +Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.) + +PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.--NOW open daily. Admission by private card +only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). Two +Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in +Special Art Sanctum, L10 10s. (10 till 4 only.) + +GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon +of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a +Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!! +Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders +and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and +Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence +at 8. + + Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30! + The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5! + Carriages at 11.10! + +Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still +crowded with the _elite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."] + + * * * * * + +THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY. + +_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en +route_. + +_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at +Dover. Triumphant progress to London. + +_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom +of the City. + +_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and +unlimited hospitality. + +_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations. + +_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of +distinguished conduct. + +_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures. + +_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which +now begins to empty. + +_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear. + +_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to +the papers, and sensational journalism generally. + +_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges, +counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, +strongly recommended row. + +_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme) +and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry +Christmas and a Happy New Year. + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR. + +_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia. + +_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican. + +_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home. + +_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa. + +_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt. + +_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet. + +_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends +meet. + +_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election. + +_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule. + +_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics. + +_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_. + +_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all. + +_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties, +and get through his official work. + +_And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a +century. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.--Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT +contemplate giving another _Matinee_ of that out-of-date play, _The +Lady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_? +No extra charge for this suggestion. + + * * * * * + +GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.--Police Protection to TIM HEALY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY. + + SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs + are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all + kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while + the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded + corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in + whispers._ + +_Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_). +No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide on +something--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting +impatient! (_To the Ladies_.) Do come and help; it's really no +use dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't +_anybody_ think of a good Word? + +_Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the +same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange, +and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy! + +_Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first. +Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over +_there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your +heads together? + +_Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, +ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words. + +_Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again! + + [_They resume their conversation._ + +_Mr. Wh._ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_ +give us a Word? + +_Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think of +something clever! + +_Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so little +experience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred to +me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet +with approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through his +spectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous." + +_Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that? + +_Mr. Wh._ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_? + +_Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which +has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ are +termed-- + +_Mr. Wh._ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only +one seed-lobe myself--and then the +syllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before +_midnight_, you know! + +_Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as a +suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was +wrong; no doubt. + +_Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. How +would--er--"_Familiar_" do? + +_Mr. Wh._ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footle +like this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_. + +_Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_! + +_Mr. Wh._ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge." +How do you see it yourself? + + [_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see + it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop._ + +_Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_ +"Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_," you know. [_Chorus of applause._ + +_Mr. Wh._ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS! + +_Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that, +you know, and you said--! + +_Mr. Wh._ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it, +so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud._) How are we +going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet, +and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot +of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the +Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it. + + [_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat + inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by + way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn + themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more + care for appearances._ + +AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE. + + _The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by + faint applause_. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response._) +You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others. +You let me do everything! + +_Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in! + +_Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now +then--"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one +by one, and say you're _ill_--see? + + [_Attires himself for the role of a Physician in a + dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet._ + +_Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with +the audience--I'm no use _here_! + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential +butler, and show the patients in. + + [_Mr. W. accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that + other people can act as well as he._ + +AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was no +necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A +Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much! + +_Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put +some fun in _somewhere_! + +_Mr. P._ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. +Nobody laughed. + +_Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was +describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically +correct--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was +unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful! + +_Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were +a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview +short, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour. + +_Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to +ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to +them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you +again. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets +carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c., +&c.--_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_.) Now then--last +syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and +all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that +screamingly funny! + +AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE. + +_Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all called +me a liar before I opened my mouth! + +_The Rest_.--But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ to +bring the Word in somehow. + +_Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. There +was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We +must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again +(_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't +understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves! + +AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE. + +_General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, or +Magician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give it +up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't, +they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_ +drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed, +we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_ +well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after it +all. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear Miss +ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a +bit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take? + +_Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn't +wanted, you know. + +_Miss Rose_. Not to _act_,--so we stayed outside and--and--arranged +things. + +_An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the +pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid. + +_Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ it +much. + +_The O.L._ And which of you settled what the Word was to be? + +_Mr. N._ Well, I believe we settled that together. + + [_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not + of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON + discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the + other men, and puts it down to jealousy._ + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET. + +We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel +Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may +it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the +bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we +Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and +weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I next +perposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ort +for to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good deal +of atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn't +quite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, +was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred +all about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting +to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, +of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners +of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause +a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit +a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel +diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed +in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with +which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore +Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed. + +[Illustration] + +We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin +the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is +anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons. + +Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the reckless +ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as how +as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was to +hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely +called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manly +employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him, +more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alone +his boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing with +his capital voice, his new Song of "_Old Robert the Waiter_" being a +rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "_Old Simon the +Cellerer_," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an +arncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of "_Mynear Van Dunk_," with its +fine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish. + +BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by singing +his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and we sort our +seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as his Lordship +hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the follering +sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May all the well +to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus as +we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and a +liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly wants it this +bitter weather." ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.] + +MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY JERUM," +is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled +_Told After Supper_. What he wants, that is, what he ought to have +whether he wants it or not, is judicious editing. Had this process +been applied to this eccentric haphazardy book, scarcely more than +a third of it would have been published. "His style, in this book +at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I say the same of his +_Three Men in a Tub_, suggests the idea of his writing being the work +of a young man who, among his companions and admirers, has earned the +reputation of being a 'deuced funny chap,' and so has to struggle to +live up to this reputation, or to live it down." JERUMKY JERUM still +somewhat affects Yankee humour, not, however, in so forced and vulgar +a manner as in his overpraised _Three Men in a Boat_. Two of the Ghost +Stories are humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they +been introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very +palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's +night) brought in his story of _Tom Smart_, and of the inimitable +_Gabriel Grub_, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably +enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels--sandwich'd in between heavy +slabs of doughy material--stand a chance of not being tasted. To +anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, "read about the +Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and EMILY. The tinted paper on +which it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurish +illustrations." + +[Illustration: Goblins.] + +_WOMAN_--not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"--nor woman who in +our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But Woman, +the weekly _Woman_ who is doing uncommonly well and in her fifty-third +number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea of a Christmas +dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very good and simple +dinner it was. The same _Woman_ gave also, among a variety of +next-day's treatments of Turkey, _Turkey in Aspic_, Turkey in Europe, +and Turkey in Asia--yes--but what about "Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't +look well; much better in French. But we dare say it's very good, +though, for breakfast or supper, "devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat." + +I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested me +muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his writings, +though I do not remember ever having heard the titles of his works +mentioned, that, when a neat-looking volume was sent me by Messrs. +PATERSON & Co. of _Leigh Hunt's Tales_, I anticipated great pleasure +from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in anticipation. I +have tried, as the song says, "A little bit here, and a little bit +there--Here a bit, There a bit, And everywhere a bit,"--but, hang me, +says the Baron, if I can tackle any one of them. The matter doesn't +interest me, and the style doesn't fascinate me. This may be rank +heresy, but I can't help it. I have tried, and failed. Well, better to +have tried, and failed, than never to have tried at all. But I shan't +try again,--at least, not on this collection of Tales. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--A good collection of pictures and +sculpture--including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, ALFRED +GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others--is on view at the Royal Arcade +Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for the benefit of the +family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young sculptor, who died only a few +weeks ago. Lots more to say, but you won't stand it, and will probably +say, "_Par! si bete_!" So no more at present from yours par-entally, +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.--A Sheriff's Officer: a +Writ-ualist. + + * * * * * + +A FORECAST FOR 1891. + +(_BEING SOME EXTRACTS FROM THE GLOOMY OUTLOOKER'S DIARY._) + +[Illustration: _Old Sol_. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!" + +_Mr. P._ "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"] + +_January_.--Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London +"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, the +fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being L2 15s. Milk, 10s. the +half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to secure +the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out the +Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of coals. +The Three per Cents go down to 35. + +_February_.--Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis +makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, crosses +Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large centre +terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a mile in +Piccadilly. + +_March_.--Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played +at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking +Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are +carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital. + +_April_.--Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large +metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen +waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire +brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish +the flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the +holders of gas shares. + +_May_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute stage. The +"Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" being patted on +the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, and seize the +Stock Exchange and the Mansion House. + +_June_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter +stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of +England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation +to celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in +returning thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the +takings" of their hosts must have been "enormous." + +_July_.--Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. Triumphant +return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed themselves +immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to having another +innings at "the way out." + +_August_.--The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to +stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the +hundred-ton guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a +shell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, +bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of +a letter in the _Times_ from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the +matter will be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department. + +_September_.--A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several Hotchkiss +guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, exceed the known +figures of any previous _battue_ to such an extent that birds sell +in Bond Street at _3d_. a brace, with the result that the whole of +Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the next seven +years. + +_October_.--The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to be got +anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food" +crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bring +up their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill them +professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with +gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, for which proceedings +they are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. + +_November_.--The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several +Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their +immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a +very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public. + +_December_.--First signs of a probable second edition of a "good +old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence. +Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only +frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891 +terminates in gloomy despair. + + * * * * * + +EDWIN AND ANGELINA. + +(_ONE MORE VERSION._) + +[Illustration] + + DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I beg of you to hear my tale of woe, + My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know; + How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted, + And I am left to shed a tear--alone, and broken-hearted. + + We were engaged for eighteen months--he often said that life + Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife. + My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle," + He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle! + + I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea-- + She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me. + I thought him quite a model youth--hard-working, loyal, steady, + A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.", + + Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known + Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own." + It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely, + Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only." + + The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm, + I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm; + So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever, + But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever." + + He only called me darling once! how different from before! + Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)? + And was he tired of me--the girl he loved so fondly, dearly? + It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely." + + Yes--was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove? + You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love! + I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly, + That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely." + + Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast + Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best; + And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly, + But it _was_ more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly." + + The truth was clear--I quickly sent him back his lovely _cartes_, + His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts. + I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried-- + And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married. + + So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know, + You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go. + And if you know, dear _Mr. Punch_, a husband, say you've seen a + Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is + + ANGELINA. + + * * * * * + +WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?--Under the beneficent influence +of the early coal dews--subsequently spelt coal dues--which have +existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan Improvements +have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks to ignorant, but +well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues being abolished, up +goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there is no surplus +for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of coal dues were +considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, "Hard times, come +again once more!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIG-STICKING. + +_Little Prigson_. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST +OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS SISTAH'S _QUITE_ THE +NICEST GIRL I EVER MET." + +_Aunt Eliza_. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU _MIGHT_ HAVE +HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF +_PRESENT COMPANY_!" + +_Cousin Maud_. "YES; IN _BOTH_ CASES, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" + +_Mr. Punch, loquitur_:-- + + A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy, + Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily, + 'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy, + At least, you're beginning most merrily. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You make a good start, anyhow. + With a kiss from the lips that can never betray, + There's many a girl would be greeted _that_ way! + + You're welcome, my lad! It is _Punch's_ old style + To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers; + In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile, + _His_ warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers! + Under the Mistletoe Bough + All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow. + He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl, + Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul. + + _Sursum corda_! That motto's the best of the bunch; + Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker. + Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from _Punch_, + Never helped one in heart or exchequer, + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You cannot do better, I vow, + Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule, + As your very first tip in your very first school. + + Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad? + And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus, + Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad. + How well the Venusian knows us! + Under the Mistletoe Bough + _He_ never kissed maid, but somehow + Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine + With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine. + + No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch, + (Though sometimes my _baton_ must play--on rogues' shoulders.) + Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch + By Orbilian smiters and scolders. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + A kiss is best treatment, I trow. + A salute from the lips of your _Punch_ you'll not spurn, + And the young guests around you shall each take a turn. + + The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear, + There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon, + But--well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year + As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on. + Under the Mistletoe Bough + You look mighty kissable--now. + So here goes another, for luck like, my dear, + As we wish everybody A Happy New Year! + + * * * * * + +OLD MORALITY'S CHRISTMAS CARD AND NEW YEAR WISHES. + +This communication is designed to convey the expression of the wish +that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those not +distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed a season +of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve months, +upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with Happiness. +(_Signed_) W.H.S. + +_Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve_, 1890. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the title and +name of BISHOP KING. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE." + +"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I propose to make a few +additions to my usual forensic costume."--_Extract from a Letter of +Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend_.] + + * * * * * + +AT THE END OF THE YEAR. + +To a Friend, + + Do you remember how we sat, + We two, in this same room together + Last year, and talked of this and that, + And warmed our toes and cursed the weather? + + And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud + (We both smoked briars, I remember), + And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed + To do or die ere next December? + + We spoke without respect of BEN, + BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly; + _Now_ BEN bamboozles jurymen, + And makes his thousand guineas yearly. + + We both despised the wretched JOE, + My fag at school, your butt at College. + Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow, + Choked with absurdly useful knowledge. + + Yet JOE assists to give us laws, + Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form, + 'Midst empty thunders of applause, + Erect on many a Tory platform. + + And poor, inconsequential JACK, + His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's, + Has married money, keeps a hack, + And has a big account at COUTTS's. + + TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square, + And DICK is noted for his dinners-- + Life is a race, but was it fair, + We asked, that _these_ should be the winners? + + We, too, would win; and Heaven knows + What vows we uttered fiery-hearted, + While '89 drew to its close, + And '90 found us--so we parted. + + * * * * * + + And here, good lack, while '90 wanes, + Our candles flaring in their sockets, + We sit once more and count our gains-- + Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets. + + Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends; + Men prate of wealth in empty words, I + Sit here content as '90 ends. + And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye. + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +SEASONABLE. + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating and explosive Stimulant. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal Restorer. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping baby instantly flying out of the +cradle. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid Grandfather suddenly mount to the +fifth storey by leaps and bounds. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate influenza. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache into delirium. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows up the brain tissues. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole household on the sneeze. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever in the Infant School. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the Hippopotamus. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief Justice off the Bench. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the dentist. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop dancing a break-down. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher into a Lunatic Asylum. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising Politician. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation of the Prime Minister. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler cab-horse win the Derby. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor for Practical Jokers. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely relied on by Master TOMMY. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into the Soup at a dinner-party, will +lead to a serious riot in the dining-room. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in a sandwich, will choke an Uncle. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general disorganiser of every Household. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--A Pinch will thoroughly banish sleep for a whole +fortnight. + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--"An Octogenarian Consumer" writes:--"I was in a +comatose condition for twenty years, when I came across your Pepper. +I had scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my arm-chair, and have +danced a continual fandango ever since. I carry it loose in all my +pockets, and scatter it on all my friends whenever I meet them. This +has got me kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I do not in the +least mind. I'm as merry and as mad as a March hare--and your Pepper +has done it." + + * * * * * + +PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--The Proprietors beg to inform their Friends and +Patrons that they can supply this highly combustible and explosive +compound in felt safety cases, carefully packed at their bomb-proof +establishment in Barking Marshes, at the usual retail prices, viz., +1s. 1-1/2d., 2s. 9d., 11s., 21s., and 31s. 6d., &c, &c. + + * * * * * + +SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY. + +[Illustration: Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.] + +Dear Mr. Punch,--I venture to address you on a subject that I feel +sure will enlist your kind attention and sympathy. How am I to get +through Yule Tide? Ought I to give up the dispatch of "cards," or +ought I to send them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances? +If I drop the custom, people who like me will think I am outting them, +and persons with whom I am less popular will imagine that economy, +not to say meanness, is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post +Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense," and _do_ send the cards. +Well, I am in this position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty +to get a suitable greeting to all those who receive my annual +benediction. If I have "Wishing you and yours every happiness," with +my appended name and address lithographed, the greeting seems cold, +and even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a favourite Maiden Aunt; +and unduly familiar if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for the +first time in my life the day before yesterday. Then if I trust to the +ordinary Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at a loss to select +an appropriate recipient for a nestful of owls, or the picture of +a Clown touching up an elderly gentleman of highly respectable +appearance with a red-hot poker! If I get a representation of +flowers, the chances are ten to one that the accompanying lines are +of a compromising character. It is obviously cruel to send to a +recently-widowed Uncle some verses about "_Darby and Joan_," and my +Mother-in-law is not likely to feel complimented if I forward to her a +poetically expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter place than +her own home--away, of course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these +are the problems that meet the would-be Yule Tide card distributer at +every turn! I remain, my dear _Mr. Punch_, yours sincerely, + +ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW. + +P.S.--If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed the +postal arrangements. + + * * * * * + +THE UNITED SERVICE DIARY FOR 1891. + +[Illustration: Extremes Meet.] + +_January to March_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper. + +_April to June_.--Soldiers at play. Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants +reading the morning paper. + +_July to September_.--Soldiers at sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors at +play (_ditto_). Civil Servants away (_ditto_). + +_October to December_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil +Servants reading the morning paper. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.] + + * * * * * + +IN THE LATEST STYLE. + +(_BY OUR INTREPID INTERVIEWER._) + +Feeling that your readers would be interested in learning Mr. CHOSE's +own view of the unpleasant affair, I called upon the distinguished +Arctic Explorer just as he was sitting down to breakfast. + +"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I asked, "that you stole the +umbrellas?" + +The face of the warrior flushed angrily, for a moment, and then +regaining his composure, he replied that he could not see the point of +possessing himself of articles that would be absolutely valueless in +those extremely northern latitudes. + +"That is not the question," I persisted. "I am sure you will forgive +me, when you remember that I speak in the name of the Public; but what +I want, and what they want to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas? +Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No." + +"I don't see what either you or they have to do with it," replied +the Arctic Explorer, cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a +matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do with any of the luggage +of the expedition. So, if it is said, that I walked about with a +shower-protector that was not my own, you can value the story for what +it is worth. Why, on the very face of it, the report is ridiculous!" + +"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the world is uncharitable. However, +Mr. CHOSE, perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your friend and +colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted an aged Esquimaux into what he termed +Iced Greenlander?" + +'I have heard the story, certainly; but cannot say whether it is +true or not. When the incident is alleged to have happened, I was in +another part of the country, having been sent there to change novels +at the local circulating library." + +"But would you say it was probable?" + +"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, chivalrous, merry, +gladsome, gallant young fellow. He was the soul of honour. Why," he +added, with deep emotion, "I have left as much as fourpence in coppers +on a mantel-piece alone with him, and on my return nave found every +halfpenny of the money untouched!" + +"Then do you not think he pushed the old man into the +sausage-machine?" + +"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, or to win a +wager, or perhaps as practical joke. That he would do anything open +to censure at the hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely +incredible. Why, he is a Loamshire man!" + +"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have finished +your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. Is it +true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, stifled +your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?" + +The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said +something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated. + +"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking +pockets? And when it is said that you were turned out of a Club for +cheating at cards--" + +But at this point I was assisted to take my leave with so much +abruptness, that I was forced to leave my last question but partially +formulated. On finding myself once more in the street, I noticed that +I was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however, +my hat was thrown after me. + + * * * * * + +PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET. + +[Illustration: HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO +SHAKSPEARE.] + +"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!" + +_Note_.--Shakespeare was the originator of the aesthetic expression +"Too, too." + +[Illustration: _Queen_. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br /> Here, +Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."] + + * * * * * + +POLITICS UP TO DATE. + +(_SPECIMEN LEADER FROM AN IRISH PAPER IN A CHRONIC STATE OF +REVOLUTION._) + +WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.--We appear this morning awaiting the future with +confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal +on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the +enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours +of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may +arrive when this policy may be reversed. The hour may come-- + +10 A.M.--It has! We have much pleasure in informing our readers that, +after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), we +have conquered. This paper is in our hands, and henceforward we shall +support, to the best of our ability, the Leader of the Party, and +denounce the infamous pretensions of his opponents; still, it would +be unwise to ignore the possibilities of the future. We may be +overpowered by a tyrannical majority. The time may come-- + +11 A.M.--It has! Hurroo! It was hard fighting to get back; but here +we are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents. +For the moment we are victorious, but who shall prophesy what may be +looming in the distant ages? The hour may come-- + +12 NOON.--It has! And now that we have again taken possession, we +must say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs were +flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions, +and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row +entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, and +his opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be +foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come-- + +1 P.M.--It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have just +slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-pots +flew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we make +our remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happening +hereafter. The hour may come-- + +2 P.M.--It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys! +This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--we +mean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo! + + [_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not + otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else + starts a rival and "suppressed" edition._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891. + +_January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was +created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the +Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this +out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away +if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock +teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours +of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On +the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of +PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to +SHERIDAN. + +_February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival. +Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This +said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical +luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary +missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This +capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they +laugh until the end of the month. + +_March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you +take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a +jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the +turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a +hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe +"1801?--the year of my birth!" + +_April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_ +Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the +_Times_. + +_May_.--You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty +date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and +explain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's +Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit +a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebrated +songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles from +London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps +venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like +"lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expect +any one to laugh. + +_June_.--The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and +there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's +Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" are +few and far between, according to WHITAKER. + +_July_.--Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is +also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the +victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause merriment +amongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desert +islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On the 24th the Window +Tax was abolished, of which you may say that although a priceless boon +it was only a _light_ relief. If you can only introduce this really +clever _bon mot_ into a speech at a wedding breakfast, a railway +indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure +to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in +founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement +is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be +tolerated in a mourning coach. + +_August_.--On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves +were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they +husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a +clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the +Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up of an +infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to +which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be +appropriately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." This will be +found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary +Royal Academician living in retirement. + +_September_.--On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. +Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without +loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord +Chancellor born in 1825--the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-_bury_. +A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay +time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly +called "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may +possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or +the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial +hospitality at five o'clock tea. + +_October_.--FIELDING, the novelist, _bowled out_ on the 8th in +1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th--an awful example to habitual +drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story +about the Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot _peasants_ instead! +This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians who +have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush. + +[Illustration: ALWAYS ENTERTAINING; + +OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!] + +_November_.--Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs about +having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take the +chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. Lord Mayor's Day on +the 9th--opportunity for letting off "the Mayor the merrier," "L10,000 +a Mayor's Nest-egg," &c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular--the +infliction is too serious for jocularity! + +_December_.--Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that most +melancholy of persons "the funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reaches +the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two! +With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a +Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE.--Sir,--Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal +case than appeared in the _Times_ Law Report, December 20th, and which +was entitled "_The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre_ v. _The Justices +of Lancashire_?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a _Bab +Ballad_ in a Pantomime. + + _Solo_. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor + _Chorus_. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee; + _Solo_. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare, + _Chorus_. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee. + +Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be +serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., January 3, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12860.txt or 12860.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/6/12860/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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