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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+January 3, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: VOL. C, CALENDAR]
+
+  JANUARY xxxi Days.
+
+   1 Th  N. Year's D.
+   2 F   Abydos t.
+   3 S   L. Hunt b.
+   4 S   2 S. af. Chr.
+   5 M   Sambourne]
+   6 T   Epiphany
+   7 W   Bp. Ely d.
+   8 Th  Cam. L.T.b.
+   9 F   S.r. 8 h. 6 m.
+  10 S   S.s. 4 h. 10 m.
+  11 S   1.S. af. Epip.
+  12 M   Hil. Sit. b.
+  13 Tu  B. Cannæ
+  14 W   Oxf. L.T. b.
+  15 Th  Orsini plot
+  16 F   B. Corunna
+  17 S   Franklin b.
+  18 S   2 S. af. Epip.
+  19 M   Watt b.
+  20 Tu  Fabian
+  21 W   Agnes
+  22 Th  Vincent
+  23 F   Pitt d. 1806
+  24 S   Fox b. 1749
+  25 S   Septuag. S.
+  26 M   Brazil disc.
+  27 Tu  J. Gibson d.
+  28 W   Prescott d.
+  29 Th  Capit. Paris
+  30 F   Chas. I. bhd.
+  31 S   B. Jonson b.
+
+
+  FEBRUARY xxviii Days.
+
+   1 S   Sexages. S.
+   2 M   B. Lincoln
+   3 Tu  Bassevi d.
+   4 W   S.r. 7 h. 36 m.
+   5 Th  Galvani d.
+   6 F   S.s. 4 h. 56 m.
+   7 S   Dickens b.
+   8 S   Quinqu. S.
+   9 M   Darnley m.
+  10 Tu  Q.V. marr.
+  11 W   Ash. Wed.
+  12 Th  Cellini d.
+  13 F   Revol. 1688
+  14 S   Valentine
+  15 S   1 S. in Lent.
+  16 M   Burke exe.
+  17 Tu  Braham d.
+  18 W   Luther d.
+  19 Th  Copernic. b.
+  20 F   J. Hume d.
+  21 S   Trinidad t.
+  22 S   2 S. in Lent
+  23 M   S. Brookes d.
+  24 Tu  Matthias
+  25 W   Wren d.
+  26 Th  T. Moore d.
+  27 F   Benevento
+  28 S   J. Tenniel
+
+
+  MARCH xxxi Days.
+
+   1 S   3 S. in Lent
+   2 M   Wesley d.
+   3 Tu  B. Merton
+   4 W   Somers b.
+   5 Th  S.r. 6 h. 39 m.
+   6 F   Du Maurier
+   7 S   S.s. 5 h. 48 m.
+   8 S   4 S. in Lent
+   9 M   Cobbett b.
+  10 Tu  Schiller b.
+  11 W   Inc. T. imp.
+  12 Th  Gregory
+  13 F   Talfourd d.
+  14 S   Byng shot
+  15 S   5 S. in Lent
+  16 M   Dr. Kent d.
+  17 Tu  St. Patrick
+  18 W   Suez cnl. op.
+  19 Th  Lucknow t.
+  20 F   B. Alexand.
+  21 S   Benedict
+  22 S   Palm S.
+  23 M   Nat. Gal. f.
+  24 Tu  Q. Eliz. d.
+  25 W   Lady Day
+  26 Th  D. Camb. b.
+  27 F   Good Frid.
+  28 S   Cateau
+  29 S   East. Sun.
+  30 M   Bk. Holiday
+  31 Tu  Haydn b.
+
+
+  APRIL xxx Days.
+
+   1 W   All Fools
+   2 Th  S.r. 5 h. 35 m.
+   3 F   S.s. 6 h. 34 m.
+   4 S   Ambrose bp.
+   5 S   Low Sun.
+   6 M   O. Lady-Day
+   7 Tu  Pr. Leop. b.
+   8 W   B. Savona
+   9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.
+  10 F   Cam. E.T. b.
+  11 S   Canning d.
+  12 S   2 S. af. Eas.
+  13 M   Handel d.
+  14 Tu  Prs. Beatr. b.
+  15 W   S. Maron.
+  16 Th  Thiers b.
+  17 F   B. Culloden
+  18 S   Graunt d.
+  19 S   3 S. af. Eas.
+  20 M   Spa. fl. des.
+  21 Tu  Bp. Heber b.
+  22 W   Odessa bom.
+  23 Th  St. George
+  24 F   B. Landrec.
+  25 S   Prs. Alice b.
+  26 S   4 S. af. Eas.
+  27 M   Gibbon b.
+  28 Tu  B. Tours
+  29 W   S. Cath. S.
+  30 Th  Fitzroy d.
+
+
+  MAY xxxi Days.
+
+   1 F   May Day
+   2 S   S.r. 4 h. 32 m.
+   3 S   Rogation S.
+   4 M   Sering. tkn.
+   5 Tu  S.s. 7 h. 27 m.
+   6 W   John Evan.
+   7 Th  Holy Thurs.
+   8 F   Le Sage b.
+   9 S   Hf. qr. Day
+  10 S   S. af. Ascen.
+  11 M   Chatham d.
+  12 Tu  Albt. Mem. c.
+  13 W   O. May Day
+  14 Th  Gratton d.
+  15 F   O'Connell d.
+  16 S   B. Albuera
+  17 S   Whit Sun.
+  18 M   Bk. Holiday
+  19 Tu  Dunstan
+  20 W   Columbus d.
+  21 Th  Cawnpore
+  22 F   Dasent b.
+  23 S   M. Lemon d.
+  24 S   Trin. Sun.
+  25 M   Pr. Hel. b.
+  26 Tu  Augustine
+  27 W   Ven. Bede
+  28 Th  Corp. Christ.
+  29 F   Chas. II. res.
+  30 S   Pope d.
+  31 S   1 Sn. af. Tr.
+
+
+  JUNE xxx Days.
+
+   1 M   Nicomede
+   2 Tu  Harvey b.
+   3 W   S.r. 3 h. 50 m.
+   4 Th  S.s. 8 h. 7 m.
+   5 F   Weber d.
+   6 S   Calpee tkn.
+   7 S   2 Sn. af. Tr.
+   8 M   D. Jerrold d.
+   9 Tu  Paxton d.
+  10 W   Heilsberg
+  11 Th  Barnabas
+  12 F   B. Wilton
+  13 S   Hastgs. bhd.
+  14 S   3 Sn. af. Tr.
+  15 M   Mag. Charta
+  16 Tu  Wat Tyl. sl.
+  17 W   St. Alban
+  18 Th  Waterloo
+  19 F   B. Wavres
+  20 S   Q. Vic. Ac.
+  21 S   4 Sn. af. Tr.
+  22 M   B. Pered
+  23 Tu  B. Plassy
+  24 W   Midsm. D.
+  25 Th  B. Altivia
+  26 F   Geo. IV. d.
+  27 S   Cairo tkn.
+  28 S   5 Sn. af. Tr.
+  29 M   St. Peter
+  30 Tu  Roscoe d.
+
+
+  JULY xxxi Days.
+
+   1 W   B. Boyne
+   2 Th  S.r. 3 h. 50 m.
+   3 F   B. Sadowa
+   4 S   S.s. 8 h. 17 m.
+   5 S   6 Sn. af. Tr.
+   6 M   Old Mid. D.
+   7 Tu  J. Huss bt.
+   8 W   A. Smith d.
+   9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.
+  10 F   Bp. Fell d.
+  11 S   B. Ouden
+  12 S   7 Sn. af. Tr.
+  13 M   D. Orleans d.
+  14 Tu  Bastile des.
+  15 W   St. Swithin
+  16 Th  Beranger d.
+  17 F   Punch b. '41
+  18 S   Sherlock d.
+  19 S   8 Sn. af. Tr.
+  20 M   Margaret
+  21 Tu  R. Burns d.
+  22 W   Salamanca
+  23 Th  Lyonet b.
+  24 F   Gibral. tkn.
+  25 S   St. James
+  26 S   9 Sn. af. Tr.
+  27 M   Talavera
+  28 Tu  Robesp. exe.
+  29 W   B. Beylau
+  30 Th  W. Penn d.
+  31 F   E. Pease d.
+
+
+  AUGUST xxxi Days.
+
+   1 S   Lammas
+   2 S   10 Sn. af. Tr.
+   3 M   Bk. Holiday
+   4 Tu  Oystr. Sea. c.
+   5 W   S.r. 4 h. 31 m.
+   6 Th  Dk. Edn. b.
+   7 F   S.s. 7 h. 37 m.
+   8 S   Otway b.
+   9 S   11 S. af. Tr.
+  10 M   C. Keene b.
+  11 Tu  Trin. Sit. c.
+  12 W   Grouse s.b.
+  13 Th  O. Lammas
+  14 F   Ld. Clyde d.
+  15 S   W. Scott b.
+  16 S   12 S. af. Tr.
+  17 M   Ad. Blake d.
+  18 Tu  B. Spurs
+  19 W   Ozontero
+  20 Th  Saragossa
+  21 F   Blck. Ck. s.b.
+  22 S   B. Bosworth
+  23 S   13 S. af. Tr.
+  24 M   S. Bartholo.
+  25 Tu  J. Watt d.
+  26 W   P. Cons. b.
+  27 Th  Thomson d.
+  28 F   B. Leipsic
+  29 S   Jno. Bp. bh.
+  30 S   14 S. af. Tr.
+  31 M   Bunyan d.
+
+
+  SEPTEMBER xxx Days.
+
+   1 Tu  Part. sh. e.
+   2 W   Capit. Sedan
+   3 Th  S.r. 5 h. 17 m.
+   4 F   S.s. 6 h. 39 m.
+   5 S   Comte d.
+   6 S   15 S. af. Tr.
+   7 M   Eunurchus
+   8 Tu  Nat. B.V.M.
+   9 W   B. Flodden
+  10 Th  B. Quesnoy
+  11 F   S. of Delhi
+  12 S   O.P. Riots
+  13 S   16 S. af. Tr.
+  14 M   Holy Cross
+  15 Tu  B. Rajghur
+  16 W   Jas. II. d.
+  17 Th  Lambert
+  18 F   Geo. I. land.
+  19 S   B. Poitiers
+  20 S   17 S. af. Tr.
+  21 M   St. Matth.
+  22 Tu  Virgil d.
+  23 W   Autn. Q. b.
+  24 Th  S. Butler d.
+  25 F   Porson d.
+  26 S   St. Cyprian
+  27 S   18 S. af. Tr.
+  28 M   Nicopolis
+  29 Tu  Mich. Day
+  30 W   St. Jerome
+
+
+  OCTOBER xxxi Days.
+
+   1 Th  Cam. M.T. b.
+   2 F   Arago d.
+   3 S   S.r. 6 h. 6 m.
+   4 S   19 S. af. Tr.
+   5 M   S.s. 5 h. 28 m.
+   6 Tu  Faith
+   7 W   Abp. Laud b.
+   8 Th  B. Actium
+   9 F   St. Denys
+  10 S   Ox. M.T. b.
+  11 S   20 S. af. Tr.
+  12 M   America d.
+  13 Tu  Edw. Conf.
+  14 W   B. Senlac
+  15 Th  Fire Ins. ex.
+  16 F   Soissons t.
+  17 S   Etheldreda
+  18 S   21 S. af. Tr.
+  19 M   Kneller d.
+  20 Tu  B. Navarino
+  21 W   Trafalgar
+  22 Th  B. Edge Hill
+  23 F   Irish Reb.
+  24 S   P. Leigh d.
+  25 S   22 S. af. Tr.
+  26 M   Danton b.
+  27 Tu  Cap. Cook b.
+  28 W   J. Locke d.
+  29 Th  J. Leech d.
+  30 F   Tower brnt.
+  31 S   All Hallows
+
+
+  NOVEMBER xxx Days.
+
+   1 S   23 S. af. Tr.
+   2 M   All Souls
+   3 Tu  Fall of Acre
+   4 W   Will. III. b.
+   5 Th  S.r. 7 h. 3 m.
+   6 F   S.s. 4 h. 23 m.
+   7 S   B. Mooltan
+   8 S   24 S. af. Tr.
+   9 M   P. of Wls. b.
+  10 Tu  M. Luther b.
+  11 W   St. Martin
+  12 Th  Hf. qr. Day
+  13 F   Britius
+  14 S   Leibnitz d.
+  15 S   25 S. af. Tr.
+  16 M   J. Bright b.
+  17 Tu  Hugh Bp. L.
+  18 W   Wilkie b.
+  19 Th  B. Arcola
+  20 F   Ld. Elgin d.
+  21 S   J. Hogg d.
+  22 S   26 S. af. Tr.
+  23 M   St. Clemen.
+  24 Tu  J. Knox d.
+  25 W   Chantrey d.
+  26 Th  G. Grisi d.
+  27 F   De. Teck b.
+  28 S   Bunsen d.
+  29 S   1 S. in Adv.
+  30 M   Burnand b.]
+
+
+  DECEMBER xxxi Days.
+
+   1 Tu  Prs. Wls. b.
+   2 W   B. Austerl.
+   3 Th  Bradbury b.
+   4 F   Richelieu d.
+   5 S   S.r. 7 h. 51 m.
+   6 S   2 S. in Adv.
+   7 M   S.s. 3 h. 50 m.
+   8 Tu  Baxter d.
+   9 W   Vandyke d.
+  10 Th  Milton b.
+  11 F   Jno. Gay d.
+  12 S   Cibber d.
+  13 S   3 S. in Adv.
+  14 M   P. Cons. d.
+  15 Tu  I. Walton d.
+  16 W   V. Weber b.
+  17 Th  Oxf. M.T. e.
+  18 F   D. 7 h. 46 m.
+  19 S   Cam. M.T. e.
+  20 S   4 S. in Adv.
+  21 M   St. Thomas
+  22 Tu  Win. Q. b.
+  23 W   Jas. II. abd.
+  24 Th  Christ. Eve
+  25 F   Christ. Day
+  26 S   Bk. Holiday
+  27 S   Sun. af. Chr.
+  28 M   Innocents
+  29 Tu  Stafford ex.
+  30 W   Pegu anxd.
+  31 Th  Silvester
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.
+
+(_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTER
+TO-MORROW._)
+
+EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.--Reserved gallows seats,
+immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying
+struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession;
+Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas.
+(8.30 A.M.)
+
+TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner.
+Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few
+special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack"
+luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the
+Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play
+during the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in
+their places not later than 10.30.)
+
+GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.--Additional
+Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals
+from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all
+Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.)
+Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution
+Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments
+inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6.30.)
+_Auto-da-Fé_ at 2.30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under
+eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One
+Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies,
+passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.)
+
+PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S
+ROOMS.--Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under
+the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting
+struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.)
+
+BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.--Full Spanish Programme this day.
+Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors
+killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra
+fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL
+SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. to £5 5s. Specially Reserved
+Front Seats for Ladies, £7 7s. (3 P.M., and 8.30.)
+
+IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.--Phonographic
+Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals.
+Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially).
+Reports of Cases tried _in Camerâ_. Private Conversations of parties
+to _Causes Célèbres_, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and
+Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.)
+
+PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.--NOW open daily. Admission by private card
+only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). Two
+Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in
+Special Art Sanctum, £10 10s. (10 till 4 only.)
+
+GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon
+of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a
+Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!!
+Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders
+and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and
+Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence
+at 8.
+
+  Moving in Society at 9!      Great Toilet Scene at 9.30!
+  The Blood-Bath at 10.45!    Death Dance Tableau at 11.5!
+                                  Carriages at 11.10!
+
+Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still
+crowded with the _élite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.
+
+_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en
+route_.
+
+_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at
+Dover. Triumphant progress to London.
+
+_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom
+of the City.
+
+_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and
+unlimited hospitality.
+
+_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations.
+
+_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of
+distinguished conduct.
+
+_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures.
+
+_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which
+now begins to empty.
+
+_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.
+
+_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to
+the papers, and sensational journalism generally.
+
+_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges,
+counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please,
+strongly recommended row.
+
+_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme)
+and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry
+Christmas and a Happy New Year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.
+
+_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia.
+
+_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican.
+
+_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home.
+
+_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa.
+
+_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt.
+
+_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.
+
+_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends
+meet.
+
+_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election.
+
+_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule.
+
+_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics.
+
+_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_.
+
+_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.
+
+_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties,
+and get through his official work.
+
+_And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a
+century.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.--Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT
+contemplate giving another _Matinée_ of that out-of-date play, _The
+Lady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_?
+No extra charge for this suggestion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.--Police Protection to TIM HEALY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY.
+
+    SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs
+    are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all
+    kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while
+    the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded
+    corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in
+    whispers._
+
+_Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_).
+No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide on
+something--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting
+impatient! (_To the Ladies_.) Do come and help; it's really no
+use dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't
+_anybody_ think of a good Word?
+
+_Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the
+same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange,
+and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy!
+
+_Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first.
+Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over
+_there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your
+heads together?
+
+_Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh,
+ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words.
+
+_Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!
+
+    [_They resume their conversation._
+
+_Mr. Wh._ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_
+give us a Word?
+
+_Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think of
+something clever!
+
+_Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so little
+experience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred to
+me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet
+with approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through his
+spectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous."
+
+_Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that?
+
+_Mr. Wh._ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_?
+
+_Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which
+has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ are
+termed--
+
+_Mr. Wh._ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only
+one seed-lobe myself--and then the
+syllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before
+_midnight_, you know!
+
+_Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as a
+suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was
+wrong; no doubt.
+
+_Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. How
+would--er--"_Familiar_" do?
+
+_Mr. Wh._ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footle
+like this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_.
+
+_Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_!
+
+_Mr. Wh._ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge."
+How do you see it yourself?
+
+    [_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see
+    it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop._
+
+_Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_
+"Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_," you know. [_Chorus of applause._
+
+_Mr. Wh._ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS!
+
+_Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that,
+you know, and you said--!
+
+_Mr. Wh._ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it,
+so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud._) How are we
+going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet,
+and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot
+of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the
+Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it.
+
+    [_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat
+    inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by
+    way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn
+    themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more
+    care for appearances._
+
+AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE.
+
+    _The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by
+    faint applause_.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response._)
+You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others.
+You let me do everything!
+
+_Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in!
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now
+then--"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one
+by one, and say you're _ill_--see?
+
+    [_Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a
+    dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet._
+
+_Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with
+the audience--I'm no use _here_!
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential
+butler, and show the patients in.
+
+    [_Mr. W. accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that
+    other people can act as well as he._
+
+AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was no
+necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A
+Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much!
+
+_Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put
+some fun in _somewhere_!
+
+_Mr. P._ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it.
+Nobody laughed.
+
+_Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was
+describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically
+correct--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was
+unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful!
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were
+a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview
+short, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour.
+
+_Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to
+ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to
+them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you
+again.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets
+carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c.,
+&c.--_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_.) Now then--last
+syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and
+all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that
+screamingly funny!
+
+AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all called
+me a liar before I opened my mouth!
+
+_The Rest_.--But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ to
+bring the Word in somehow.
+
+_Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. There
+was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We
+must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again
+(_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't
+understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!
+
+AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.
+
+_General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, or
+Magician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give it
+up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't,
+they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_
+drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed,
+we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_
+well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after it
+all. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear Miss
+ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a
+bit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take?
+
+_Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn't
+wanted, you know.
+
+_Miss Rose_. Not to _act_,--so we stayed outside and--and--arranged
+things.
+
+_An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the
+pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.
+
+_Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ it
+much.
+
+_The O.L._ And which of you settled what the Word was to be?
+
+_Mr. N._ Well, I believe we settled that together.
+
+    [_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not
+    of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON
+    discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the
+    other men, and puts it down to jealousy._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.
+
+We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel
+Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may
+it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the
+bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we
+Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and
+weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I next
+perposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ort
+for to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good deal
+of atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn't
+quite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly,
+was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred
+all about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting
+to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion,
+of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners
+of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause
+a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit
+a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel
+diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed
+in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with
+which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore
+Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin
+the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is
+anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons.
+
+Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the reckless
+ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as how
+as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was to
+hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely
+called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manly
+employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him,
+more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alone
+his boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing with
+his capital voice, his new Song of "_Old Robert the Waiter_" being a
+rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "_Old Simon the
+Cellerer_," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an
+arncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of "_Mynear Van Dunk_," with its
+fine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish.
+
+BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by singing
+his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and we sort our
+seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as his Lordship
+hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the follering
+sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May all the well
+to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus as
+we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and a
+liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly wants it this
+bitter weather." ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.]
+
+MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY JERUM,"
+is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled
+_Told After Supper_. What he wants, that is, what he ought to have
+whether he wants it or not, is judicious editing. Had this process
+been applied to this eccentric haphazardy book, scarcely more than
+a third of it would have been published. "His style, in this book
+at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I say the same of his
+_Three Men in a Tub_, suggests the idea of his writing being the work
+of a young man who, among his companions and admirers, has earned the
+reputation of being a 'deuced funny chap,' and so has to struggle to
+live up to this reputation, or to live it down." JERUMKY JERUM still
+somewhat affects Yankee humour, not, however, in so forced and vulgar
+a manner as in his overpraised _Three Men in a Boat_. Two of the Ghost
+Stories are humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they
+been introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very
+palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's
+night) brought in his story of _Tom Smart_, and of the inimitable
+_Gabriel Grub_, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably
+enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels--sandwich'd in between heavy
+slabs of doughy material--stand a chance of not being tasted. To
+anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, "read about the
+Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and EMILY. The tinted paper on
+which it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurish
+illustrations."
+
+[Illustration: Goblins.]
+
+_WOMAN_--not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"--nor woman who in
+our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But Woman,
+the weekly _Woman_ who is doing uncommonly well and in her fifty-third
+number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea of a Christmas
+dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very good and simple
+dinner it was. The same _Woman_ gave also, among a variety of
+next-day's treatments of Turkey, _Turkey in Aspic_, Turkey in Europe,
+and Turkey in Asia--yes--but what about "Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't
+look well; much better in French. But we dare say it's very good,
+though, for breakfast or supper, "devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat."
+
+I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested me
+muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his writings,
+though I do not remember ever having heard the titles of his works
+mentioned, that, when a neat-looking volume was sent me by Messrs.
+PATERSON & Co. of _Leigh Hunt's Tales_, I anticipated great pleasure
+from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in anticipation. I
+have tried, as the song says, "A little bit here, and a little bit
+there--Here a bit, There a bit, And everywhere a bit,"--but, hang me,
+says the Baron, if I can tackle any one of them. The matter doesn't
+interest me, and the style doesn't fascinate me. This may be rank
+heresy, but I can't help it. I have tried, and failed. Well, better to
+have tried, and failed, than never to have tried at all. But I shan't
+try again,--at least, not on this collection of Tales.
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--A good collection of pictures and
+sculpture--including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, ALFRED
+GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others--is on view at the Royal Arcade
+Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for the benefit of the
+family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young sculptor, who died only a few
+weeks ago. Lots more to say, but you won't stand it, and will probably
+say, "_Par! si bête_!" So no more at present from yours par-entally,
+OLD PAR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.--A Sheriff's Officer: a
+Writ-ualist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FORECAST FOR 1891.
+
+(_BEING SOME EXTRACTS FROM THE GLOOMY OUTLOOKER'S DIARY._)
+
+[Illustration: _Old Sol_. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!"
+
+_Mr. P._ "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"]
+
+_January_.--Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London
+"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, the
+fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15s. Milk, 10s. the
+half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to secure
+the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out the
+Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of coals.
+The Three per Cents go down to 35.
+
+_February_.--Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis
+makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, crosses
+Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large centre
+terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a mile in
+Piccadilly.
+
+_March_.--Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played
+at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking
+Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are
+carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital.
+
+_April_.--Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large
+metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen
+waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire
+brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish
+the flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the
+holders of gas shares.
+
+_May_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute stage. The
+"Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" being patted on
+the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, and seize the
+Stock Exchange and the Mansion House.
+
+_June_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter
+stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of
+England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation
+to celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in
+returning thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the
+takings" of their hosts must have been "enormous."
+
+_July_.--Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. Triumphant
+return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed themselves
+immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to having another
+innings at "the way out."
+
+_August_.--The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to
+stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the
+hundred-ton guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a
+shell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but,
+bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of
+a letter in the _Times_ from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the
+matter will be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department.
+
+_September_.--A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several Hotchkiss
+guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, exceed the known
+figures of any previous _battue_ to such an extent that birds sell
+in Bond Street at _3d_. a brace, with the result that the whole of
+Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the next seven
+years.
+
+_October_.--The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to be got
+anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food"
+crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bring
+up their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill them
+professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with
+gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, for which proceedings
+they are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for the
+Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
+
+_November_.--The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several
+Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their
+immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a
+very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public.
+
+_December_.--First signs of a probable second edition of a "good
+old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence.
+Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only
+frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891
+terminates in gloomy despair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWIN AND ANGELINA.
+
+(_ONE MORE VERSION._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I beg of you to hear my tale of woe,
+  My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know;
+  How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted,
+  And I am left to shed a tear--alone, and broken-hearted.
+
+  We were engaged for eighteen months--he often said that life
+  Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife.
+  My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle,"
+  He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle!
+
+  I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea--
+  She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me.
+  I thought him quite a model youth--hard-working, loyal, steady,
+  A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.",
+
+  Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known
+  Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own."
+  It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely,
+  Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only."
+
+  The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm,
+  I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm;
+  So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever,
+  But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever."
+
+  He only called me darling once! how different from before!
+  Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)?
+  And was he tired of me--the girl he loved so fondly, dearly?
+  It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely."
+
+  Yes--was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove?
+  You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love!
+  I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly,
+  That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely."
+
+  Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast
+  Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best;
+  And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly,
+  But it _was_ more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly."
+
+  The truth was clear--I quickly sent him back his lovely _cartes_,
+  His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts.
+  I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried--
+  And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married.
+
+  So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know,
+  You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go.
+  And if you know, dear _Mr. Punch_, a husband, say you've seen a
+  Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is
+
+  ANGELINA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?--Under the beneficent influence
+of the early coal dews--subsequently spelt coal dues--which have
+existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan Improvements
+have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks to ignorant, but
+well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues being abolished, up
+goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there is no surplus
+for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of coal dues were
+considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, "Hard times, come
+again once more!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIG-STICKING.
+
+_Little Prigson_. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST
+OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS SISTAH'S _QUITE_ THE
+NICEST GIRL I EVER MET."
+
+_Aunt Eliza_. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU _MIGHT_ HAVE
+HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF
+_PRESENT COMPANY_!"
+
+_Cousin Maud_. "YES; IN _BOTH_ CASES, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
+
+_Mr. Punch, loquitur_:--
+
+  A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy,
+    Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily,
+  'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy,
+      At least, you're beginning most merrily.
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  You make a good start, anyhow.
+    With a kiss from the lips that can never betray,
+    There's many a girl would be greeted _that_ way!
+
+  You're welcome, my lad! It is _Punch's_ old style
+    To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers;
+  In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile,
+      _His_ warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers!
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow.
+    He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl,
+    Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul.
+
+  _Sursum corda_! That motto's the best of the bunch;
+    Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker.
+  Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from _Punch_,
+      Never helped one in heart or exchequer,
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  You cannot do better, I vow,
+    Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule,
+    As your very first tip in your very first school.
+
+  Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad?
+    And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus,
+  Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad.
+      How well the Venusian knows us!
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  _He_ never kissed maid, but somehow
+    Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine
+    With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine.
+
+  No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch,
+    (Though sometimes my _bâton_ must play--on rogues' shoulders.)
+  Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch
+      By Orbilian smiters and scolders.
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  A kiss is best treatment, I trow.
+    A salute from the lips of your _Punch_ you'll not spurn,
+    And the young guests around you shall each take a turn.
+
+  The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear,
+    There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon,
+  But--well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year
+      As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on.
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  You look mighty kissable--now.
+    So here goes another, for luck like, my dear,
+    As we wish everybody A Happy New Year!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD MORALITY'S CHRISTMAS CARD AND NEW YEAR WISHES.
+
+This communication is designed to convey the expression of the wish
+that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those not
+distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed a season
+of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve months,
+upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with Happiness.
+(_Signed_) W.H.S.
+
+_Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve_, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the title and
+name of BISHOP KING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE."
+
+"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I propose to make a few
+additions to my usual forensic costume."--_Extract from a Letter of
+Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
+
+To a Friend,
+
+  Do you remember how we sat,
+    We two, in this same room together
+  Last year, and talked of this and that,
+    And warmed our toes and cursed the weather?
+
+  And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud
+    (We both smoked briars, I remember),
+  And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed
+    To do or die ere next December?
+
+  We spoke without respect of BEN,
+    BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly;
+  _Now_ BEN bamboozles jurymen,
+    And makes his thousand guineas yearly.
+
+  We both despised the wretched JOE,
+    My fag at school, your butt at College.
+  Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow,
+    Choked with absurdly useful knowledge.
+
+  Yet JOE assists to give us laws,
+    Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form,
+  'Midst empty thunders of applause,
+    Erect on many a Tory platform.
+
+  And poor, inconsequential JACK,
+    His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's,
+  Has married money, keeps a hack,
+    And has a big account at COUTTS's.
+
+  TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square,
+    And DICK is noted for his dinners--
+  Life is a race, but was it fair,
+    We asked, that _these_ should be the winners?
+
+  We, too, would win; and Heaven knows
+    What vows we uttered fiery-hearted,
+  While '89 drew to its close,
+    And '90 found us--so we parted.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  And here, good lack, while '90 wanes,
+    Our candles flaring in their sockets,
+  We sit once more and count our gains--
+    Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets.
+
+  Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends;
+    Men prate of wealth in empty words, I
+  Sit here content as '90 ends.
+    And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ADVERTISERS.
+
+SEASONABLE.
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating and explosive Stimulant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal Restorer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping baby instantly flying out of the
+cradle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid Grandfather suddenly mount to the
+fifth storey by leaps and bounds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate influenza.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache into delirium.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows up the brain tissues.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole household on the sneeze.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever in the Infant School.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the Hippopotamus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief Justice off the Bench.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the dentist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop dancing a break-down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher into a Lunatic Asylum.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising Politician.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation of the Prime Minister.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler cab-horse win the Derby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor for Practical Jokers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely relied on by Master TOMMY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into the Soup at a dinner-party, will
+lead to a serious riot in the dining-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in a sandwich, will choke an Uncle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general disorganiser of every Household.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--A Pinch will thoroughly banish sleep for a whole
+fortnight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--"An Octogenarian Consumer" writes:--"I was in a
+comatose condition for twenty years, when I came across your Pepper.
+I had scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my arm-chair, and have
+danced a continual fandango ever since. I carry it loose in all my
+pockets, and scatter it on all my friends whenever I meet them. This
+has got me kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I do not in the
+least mind. I'm as merry and as mad as a March hare--and your Pepper
+has done it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--The Proprietors beg to inform their Friends and
+Patrons that they can supply this highly combustible and explosive
+compound in felt safety cases, carefully packed at their bomb-proof
+establishment in Barking Marshes, at the usual retail prices, viz.,
+1s. 1-1/2d., 2s. 9d., 11s., 21s., and 31s. 6d., &c, &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY.
+
+[Illustration: Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.]
+
+Dear Mr. Punch,--I venture to address you on a subject that I feel
+sure will enlist your kind attention and sympathy. How am I to get
+through Yule Tide? Ought I to give up the dispatch of "cards," or
+ought I to send them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances?
+If I drop the custom, people who like me will think I am outting them,
+and persons with whom I am less popular will imagine that economy,
+not to say meanness, is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post
+Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense," and _do_ send the cards.
+Well, I am in this position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty
+to get a suitable greeting to all those who receive my annual
+benediction. If I have "Wishing you and yours every happiness," with
+my appended name and address lithographed, the greeting seems cold,
+and even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a favourite Maiden Aunt;
+and unduly familiar if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for the
+first time in my life the day before yesterday. Then if I trust to the
+ordinary Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at a loss to select
+an appropriate recipient for a nestful of owls, or the picture of
+a Clown touching up an elderly gentleman of highly respectable
+appearance with a red-hot poker! If I get a representation of
+flowers, the chances are ten to one that the accompanying lines are
+of a compromising character. It is obviously cruel to send to a
+recently-widowed Uncle some verses about "_Darby and Joan_," and my
+Mother-in-law is not likely to feel complimented if I forward to her a
+poetically expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter place than
+her own home--away, of course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these
+are the problems that meet the would-be Yule Tide card distributer at
+every turn! I remain, my dear _Mr. Punch_, yours sincerely,
+
+ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW.
+
+P.S.--If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed the
+postal arrangements.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UNITED SERVICE DIARY FOR 1891.
+
+[Illustration: Extremes Meet.]
+
+_January to March_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.
+
+_April to June_.--Soldiers at play. Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.
+
+_July to September_.--Soldiers at sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors at
+play (_ditto_). Civil Servants away (_ditto_).
+
+_October to December_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil
+Servants reading the morning paper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE LATEST STYLE.
+
+(_BY OUR INTREPID INTERVIEWER._)
+
+Feeling that your readers would be interested in learning Mr. CHOSE's
+own view of the unpleasant affair, I called upon the distinguished
+Arctic Explorer just as he was sitting down to breakfast.
+
+"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I asked, "that you stole the
+umbrellas?"
+
+The face of the warrior flushed angrily, for a moment, and then
+regaining his composure, he replied that he could not see the point of
+possessing himself of articles that would be absolutely valueless in
+those extremely northern latitudes.
+
+"That is not the question," I persisted. "I am sure you will forgive
+me, when you remember that I speak in the name of the Public; but what
+I want, and what they want to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas?
+Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No."
+
+"I don't see what either you or they have to do with it," replied
+the Arctic Explorer, cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a
+matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do with any of the luggage
+of the expedition. So, if it is said, that I walked about with a
+shower-protector that was not my own, you can value the story for what
+it is worth. Why, on the very face of it, the report is ridiculous!"
+
+"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the world is uncharitable. However,
+Mr. CHOSE, perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your friend and
+colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted an aged Esquimaux into what he termed
+Iced Greenlander?"
+
+'I have heard the story, certainly; but cannot say whether it is
+true or not. When the incident is alleged to have happened, I was in
+another part of the country, having been sent there to change novels
+at the local circulating library."
+
+"But would you say it was probable?"
+
+"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, chivalrous, merry,
+gladsome, gallant young fellow. He was the soul of honour. Why," he
+added, with deep emotion, "I have left as much as fourpence in coppers
+on a mantel-piece alone with him, and on my return nave found every
+halfpenny of the money untouched!"
+
+"Then do you not think he pushed the old man into the
+sausage-machine?"
+
+"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, or to win a
+wager, or perhaps as practical joke. That he would do anything open
+to censure at the hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely
+incredible. Why, he is a Loamshire man!"
+
+"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have finished
+your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. Is it
+true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, stifled
+your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?"
+
+The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said
+something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated.
+
+"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking
+pockets? And when it is said that you were turned out of a Club for
+cheating at cards--"
+
+But at this point I was assisted to take my leave with so much
+abruptness, that I was forced to leave my last question but partially
+formulated. On finding myself once more in the street, I noticed that
+I was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however,
+my hat was thrown after me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET.
+
+[Illustration: HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO
+SHAKSPEARE.]
+
+"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!"
+
+_Note_.--Shakespeare was the originator of the aesthetic expression
+"Too, too."
+
+[Illustration: _Queen_. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br /> Here,
+Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POLITICS UP TO DATE.
+
+(_SPECIMEN LEADER FROM AN IRISH PAPER IN A CHRONIC STATE OF
+REVOLUTION._)
+
+WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.--We appear this morning awaiting the future with
+confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal
+on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the
+enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours
+of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may
+arrive when this policy may be reversed. The hour may come--
+
+10 A.M.--It has! We have much pleasure in informing our readers that,
+after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), we
+have conquered. This paper is in our hands, and henceforward we shall
+support, to the best of our ability, the Leader of the Party, and
+denounce the infamous pretensions of his opponents; still, it would
+be unwise to ignore the possibilities of the future. We may be
+overpowered by a tyrannical majority. The time may come--
+
+11 A.M.--It has! Hurroo! It was hard fighting to get back; but here
+we are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents.
+For the moment we are victorious, but who shall prophesy what may be
+looming in the distant ages? The hour may come--
+
+12 NOON.--It has! And now that we have again taken possession, we
+must say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs were
+flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions,
+and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row
+entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, and
+his opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be
+foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come--
+
+1 P.M.--It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have just
+slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-pots
+flew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we make
+our remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happening
+hereafter. The hour may come--
+
+2 P.M.--It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys!
+This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--we
+mean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo!
+
+    [_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not
+    otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else
+    starts a rival and "suppressed" edition._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.
+
+_January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was
+created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the
+Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this
+out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away
+if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock
+teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours
+of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On
+the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of
+PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to
+SHERIDAN.
+
+_February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival.
+Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This
+said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical
+luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary
+missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This
+capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they
+laugh until the end of the month.
+
+_March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you
+take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a
+jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the
+turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a
+hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe
+"1801?--the year of my birth!"
+
+_April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_
+Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the
+_Times_.
+
+_May_.--You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty
+date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and
+explain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's
+Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit
+a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebrated
+songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles from
+London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps
+venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like
+"lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expect
+any one to laugh.
+
+_June_.--The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and
+there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's
+Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" are
+few and far between, according to WHITAKER.
+
+_July_.--Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is
+also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the
+victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause merriment
+amongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desert
+islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On the 24th the Window
+Tax was abolished, of which you may say that although a priceless boon
+it was only a _light_ relief. If you can only introduce this really
+clever _bon mot_ into a speech at a wedding breakfast, a railway
+indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure
+to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in
+founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement
+is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be
+tolerated in a mourning coach.
+
+_August_.--On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves
+were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they
+husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a
+clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the
+Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up of an
+infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to
+which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be
+appropriately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." This will be
+found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary
+Royal Academician living in retirement.
+
+_September_.--On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences.
+Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without
+loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord
+Chancellor born in 1825--the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-_bury_.
+A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay
+time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly
+called "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may
+possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or
+the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial
+hospitality at five o'clock tea.
+
+_October_.--FIELDING, the novelist, _bowled out_ on the 8th in
+1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th--an awful example to habitual
+drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story
+about the Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot _peasants_ instead!
+This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians who
+have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.
+
+[Illustration: ALWAYS ENTERTAINING;
+
+OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!]
+
+_November_.--Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs about
+having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take the
+chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. Lord Mayor's Day on
+the 9th--opportunity for letting off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000
+a Mayor's Nest-egg," &c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular--the
+infliction is too serious for jocularity!
+
+_December_.--Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that most
+melancholy of persons "the funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reaches
+the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two!
+With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a
+Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPROPRIATE.--Sir,--Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal
+case than appeared in the _Times_ Law Report, December 20th, and which
+was entitled "_The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre_ v. _The Justices
+of Lancashire_?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a _Bab
+Ballad_ in a Pantomime.
+
+  _Solo_. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor
+  _Chorus_. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee;
+  _Solo_. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare,
+  _Chorus_. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee.
+
+Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be
+serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100., January 3, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 ***
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+</head>
+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 ***</div>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>January 3, 1891.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/1.png" alt="CALENDAR" /></a></div>
+
+
+<table summary="Calendar" align="center" border="1">
+
+<tr><td valign="top"><small>JANUARY xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>FEBRUARY xxviii Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>MARCH xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>APRIL xxx Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>MAY xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>JUNE xxx Days.</small></td>
+
+
+</tr>
+
+<tr><td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 Th  N. Year's D.<br />
+
+ 2 F   Abydos t.<br />
+
+ 3 S   L. Hunt b.<br />
+
+ 4 S   2 S. af. Chr.<br />
+
+ 5 M   Sambourne]<br />
+
+ 6 T   Epiphany<br />
+
+ 7 W   Bp. Ely d.<br />
+
+ 8 Th  Cam. L.T.b.<br />
+
+ 9 F   S.r. 8h. 6m.<br />
+
+10 S   S.s. 4h. 10m.<br />
+
+11 S   1 S. af. Epip.<br />
+
+12 M   Hil. Sit. b.<br />
+
+13 Tu  B. Cannæ<br />
+
+14 W   Oxf. L.T. b.<br />
+
+15 Th  Orsini plot<br />
+
+16 F   B. Corunna<br />
+
+17 S   Franklin b.<br />
+
+18 S   2 S. af. Epip.<br />
+
+19 M   Watt b.<br />
+
+20 Tu  Fabian<br />
+
+21 W   Agnes<br />
+
+22 Th  Vincent<br />
+
+23 F   Pitt d. 1806<br />
+
+24 S   Fox b. 1749<br />
+
+25 S   Septuag. S.<br />
+
+26 M   Brazil disc.<br />
+
+27 Tu  J. Gibson d.<br />
+
+28 W   Prescott d.<br />
+
+29 Th  Capit. Paris<br />
+
+30 F   Chas. I. bhd.<br />
+
+31 S   B. Jonson b.<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 S   Sexages. S.<br />
+
+ 2 M   B. Lincoln<br />
+
+ 3 Tu  Bassevi d.<br />
+
+ 4 W   S.r. 7h. 36m.<br />
+
+ 5 Th  Galvani d.<br />
+
+ 6 F   S.s. 4h. 56m.<br />
+
+ 7 S   Dickens b.<br />
+
+ 8 S   Quinqu. S.<br />
+
+ 9 M   Darnley m.<br />
+
+10 Tu  Q.V. marr.<br />
+
+11 W   Ash. Wed.<br />
+
+12 Th  Cellini d.<br />
+
+13 F   Revol. 1688<br />
+
+14 S   Valentine<br />
+
+15 S   1 S. in Lent.<br />
+
+16 M   Burke exe.<br />
+
+17 Tu  Braham d.<br />
+
+18 W   Luther d.<br />
+
+19 Th  Copernic. b.<br />
+
+20 F   J. Hume d.<br />
+
+21 S   Trinidad t.<br />
+
+22 S   2 S. in Lent<br />
+
+23 M   S. Brookes d.<br />
+
+24 Tu  Matthias<br />
+
+25 W   Wren d.<br />
+
+26 Th  T. Moore d.<br />
+
+27 F   Benevento<br />
+
+28 S   J. Tenniel<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 S   3 S. in Lent<br />
+
+ 2 M   Wesley d.<br />
+
+ 3 Tu  B. Merton<br />
+
+ 4 W   Somers b.<br />
+
+ 5 Th  S.r. 6h. 39m.<br />
+
+ 6 F   Du Maurier<br />
+
+ 7 S   S.s. 5h. 48m.<br />
+
+ 8 S   4 S. in Lent<br />
+
+ 9 M   Cobbett b.<br />
+
+10 Tu  Schiller b.<br />
+
+11 W   Inc. T. imp.<br />
+
+12 Th  Gregory<br />
+
+13 F   Talfourd d.<br />
+
+14 S   Byng shot<br />
+
+15 S   5 S. in Lent<br />
+
+16 M   Dr. Kent d.<br />
+
+17 Tu  St. Patrick<br />
+
+18 W   Suez cnl. op.<br />
+
+19 Th  Lucknow t.<br />
+
+20 F   B. Alexand.<br />
+
+21 S   Benedict<br />
+
+22 S   Palm S.<br />
+
+23 M   Nat. Gal. f.<br />
+
+24 Tu  Q. Eliz. d.<br />
+
+25 W   Lady Day<br />
+
+26 Th  D. Camb. b.<br />
+
+27 F   Good Frid.<br />
+
+28 S   Cateau<br />
+
+29 S   East. Sun.<br />
+
+30 M   Bk. Holiday<br />
+
+31 Tu  Haydn b.<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 W   All Fools<br />
+
+ 2 Th  S.r. 5h. 35m.<br />
+
+ 3 F   S.s. 6h. 34m.<br />
+
+ 4 S   Ambrose bp.<br />
+
+ 5 S   Low Sun.<br />
+
+ 6 M   O. Lady-Day<br />
+
+ 7 Tu  Pr. Leop. b.<br />
+
+ 8 W   B. Savona<br />
+
+ 9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.<br />
+
+10 F   Cam. E.T. b.<br />
+
+11 S   Canning d.<br />
+
+12 S   2 S. af. Eas.<br />
+
+13 M   Handel d.<br />
+
+14 Tu  Prs. Beatr. b.<br />
+
+15 W   S. Maron.<br />
+
+16 Th  Thiers b.<br />
+
+17 F   B. Culloden<br />
+
+18 S   Graunt d.<br />
+
+19 S   3 S. af. Eas.<br />
+
+20 M   Spa. fl. des.<br />
+
+21 Tu  Bp. Heber b.<br />
+
+22 W   Odessa bom.<br />
+
+23 Th  St. George<br />
+
+24 F   B. Landrec.<br />
+
+25 S   Prs. Alice b.<br />
+
+26 S   4 S. af. Eas.<br />
+
+27 M   Gibbon b.<br />
+
+28 Tu  B. Tours<br />
+
+29 W   S. Cath. S.<br />
+
+30 Th  Fitzroy d.<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 F   May Day<br />
+
+ 2 S   S.r. 4h. 32m.<br />
+
+ 3 S   Rogation S.<br />
+
+ 4 M   Sering. tkn.<br />
+
+ 5 Tu  S.s. 7h. 27m.<br />
+
+ 6 W   John Evan.<br />
+
+ 7 Th  Holy Thurs.<br />
+
+ 8 F   Le Sage b.<br />
+
+ 9 S   Hf. qr. Day<br />
+
+10 S   S. af. Ascen.<br />
+
+11 M   Chatham d.<br />
+
+12 Tu  Albt. Mem. c.<br />
+
+13 W   O. May Day<br />
+
+14 Th  Gratton d.<br />
+
+15 F   O'Connell d.<br />
+
+16 S   B. Albuera<br />
+
+17 S   Whit Sun.<br />
+
+18 M   Bk. Holiday<br />
+
+19 Tu  Dunstan<br />
+
+20 W   Columbus d.<br />
+
+21 Th  Cawnpore<br />
+
+22 F   Dasent b.<br />
+
+23 S   M. Lemon d.<br />
+
+24 S   Trin. Sun.<br />
+
+25 M   Pr. Hel. b.<br />
+
+26 Tu  Augustine<br />
+
+27 W   Ven. Bede<br />
+
+28 Th  Corp. Christ.<br />
+
+29 F   Chas. II. res.<br />
+
+30 S   Pope d.<br />
+
+31 S   1 Sn. af. Tr.<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 M   Nicomede<br />
+
+ 2 Tu  Harvey b.<br />
+
+ 3 W   S.r. 3h. 50m.<br />
+
+ 4 Th  S.s. 8h. 7m.<br />
+
+ 5 F   Weber d.<br />
+
+ 6 S   Calpee tkn.<br />
+
+ 7 S   2 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 8 M   D. Jerrold d.<br />
+
+ 9 Tu  Paxton d.<br />
+
+10 W   Heilsberg<br />
+
+11 Th  Barnabas<br />
+
+12 F   B. Wilton<br />
+
+13 S   Hastgs. bhd.<br />
+
+14 S   3 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+15 M   Mag. Charta<br />
+
+16 Tu  Wat Tyl. sl.<br />
+
+17 W   St. Alban<br />
+
+18 Th  Waterloo<br />
+
+19 F   B. Wavres<br />
+
+20 S   Q. Vic. Ac.<br />
+
+21 S   4 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+22 M   B. Pered<br />
+
+23 Tu  B. Plassy<br />
+
+24 W   Midsm. D.<br />
+
+25 Th  B. Altivia<br />
+
+26 F   Geo. IV. d.<br />
+
+27 S   Cairo tkn.<br />
+
+28 S   5 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+29 M   St. Peter<br />
+
+30 Tu  Roscoe d.</small></td></tr>
+
+
+
+<tr><td valign="top"><small>JULY xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>AUGUST xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>SEPTEMBER xxx Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>OCTOBER xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>NOVEMBER xxx Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>DECEMBER xxxi Days.</small></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr><td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 W   B. Boyne<br />
+
+ 2 Th  S.r. 3h. 50m.<br />
+
+ 3 F   B. Sadowa<br />
+
+ 4 S   S.s. 8h. 17m.<br />
+
+ 5 S   6 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 6 M   Old Mid. D.<br />
+
+ 7 Tu  J. Huss bt.<br />
+
+ 8 W   A. Smith d.<br />
+
+ 9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.<br />
+
+10 F   Bp. Fell d.<br />
+
+11 S   B. Ouden<br />
+
+12 S   7 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+13 M   D. Orleans d.<br />
+
+14 Tu  Bastile des.<br />
+
+15 W   St. Swithin<br />
+
+16 Th  Beranger d.<br />
+
+17 F   Punch b. '41<br />
+
+18 S   Sherlock d.<br />
+
+19 S   8 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+20 M   Margaret<br />
+
+21 Tu  R. Burns d.<br />
+
+22 W   Salamanca<br />
+
+23 Th  Lyonet b.<br />
+
+24 F   Gibral. tkn.<br />
+
+25 S   St. James<br />
+
+26 S   9 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+27 M   Talavera<br />
+
+28 Tu  Robesp. exe.<br />
+
+29 W   B. Beylau<br />
+
+30 Th  W. Penn d.<br />
+
+31 F   E. Pease d.</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 S   Lammas<br />
+
+ 2 S   10 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 3 M   Bk. Holiday<br />
+
+ 4 Tu  Oystr. Sea. c.<br />
+
+ 5 W   S.r. 4h. 31m.<br />
+
+ 6 Th  Dk. Edn. b.<br />
+
+ 7 F   S.s. 7h. 37m.<br />
+
+ 8 S   Otway b.<br />
+
+ 9 S   11 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+10 M   C. Keene b.<br />
+
+11 Tu  Trin. Sit. c.<br />
+
+12 W   Grouse s.b.<br />
+
+13 Th  O. Lammas<br />
+
+14 F   Ld. Clyde d.<br />
+
+15 S   W. Scott b.<br />
+
+16 S   12 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+17 M   Ad. Blake d.<br />
+
+18 Tu  B. Spurs<br />
+
+19 W   Ozontero<br />
+
+20 Th  Saragossa<br />
+
+21 F   Blck. Ck. s.b.<br />
+
+22 S   B. Bosworth<br />
+
+23 S   13 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+24 M   S. Bartholo.<br />
+
+25 Tu  J. Watt d.<br />
+
+26 W   P. Cons. b.<br />
+
+27 Th  Thomson d.<br />
+
+28 F   B. Leipsic<br />
+
+29 S   Jno. Bp. bh.<br />
+
+30 S   14 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+31 M   Bunyan d.</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 Tu  Part. sh. e.<br />
+
+ 2 W   Capit. Sedan<br />
+
+ 3 Th  S.r. 5 h. 17 m.<br />
+
+ 4 F   S.s. 6 h. 39 m.<br />
+
+ 5 S   Comte d.<br />
+
+ 6 S   15 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 7 M   Eunurchus<br />
+
+ 8 Tu  Nat. B.V.M.<br />
+
+ 9 W   B. Flodden<br />
+
+10 Th  B. Quesnoy<br />
+
+11 F   S. of Delhi<br />
+
+12 S   O.P. Riots<br />
+
+13 S   16 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+14 M   Holy Cross<br />
+
+15 Tu  B. Rajghur<br />
+
+16 W   Jas. II. d.<br />
+
+17 Th  Lambert<br />
+
+18 F   Geo. I. land.<br />
+
+19 S   B. Poitiers<br />
+
+20 S   17 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+21 M   St. Matth.<br />
+
+22 Tu  Virgil d.<br />
+
+23 W   Autn. Q. b.<br />
+
+24 Th  S. Butler d.<br />
+
+25 F   Porson d.<br />
+
+26 S   St. Cyprian<br />
+
+27 S   18 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+28 M   Nicopolis<br />
+
+29 Tu  Mich. Day<br />
+
+30 W   St. Jerome</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 Th  Cam. M.T. b.<br />
+
+ 2 F   Arago d.<br />
+
+ 3 S   S.r. 6 h. 6 m.<br />
+
+ 4 S   19 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 5 M   S.s. 5 h. 28 m.<br />
+
+ 6 Tu  Faith<br />
+
+ 7 W   Abp. Laud b.<br />
+
+ 8 Th  B. Actium<br />
+
+ 9 F   St. Denys<br />
+
+10 S   Ox. M.T. b.<br />
+
+11 S   20 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+12 M   America d.<br />
+
+13 Tu  Edw. Conf.<br />
+
+14 W   B. Senlac<br />
+
+15 Th  Fire Ins. ex.<br />
+
+16 F   Soissons t.<br />
+
+17 S   Etheldreda<br />
+
+18 S   21 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+19 M   Kneller d.<br />
+
+20 Tu  B. Navarino<br />
+
+21 W   Trafalgar<br />
+
+22 Th  B. Edge Hill<br />
+
+23 F   Irish Reb.<br />
+
+24 S   P. Leigh d.<br />
+
+25 S   22 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+26 M   Danton b.<br />
+
+27 Tu  Cap. Cook b.<br />
+
+28 W   J. Locke d.<br />
+
+29 Th  J. Leech d.<br />
+
+30 F   Tower brnt.<br />
+
+31 S   All Hallows</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 S   23 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 2 M   All Souls<br />
+
+ 3 Tu  Fall of Acre<br />
+
+ 4 W   Will. III. b.<br />
+
+ 5 Th  S.r. 7h. 3m.<br />
+
+ 6 F   S.s. 4h. 23m.<br />
+
+ 7 S   B. Mooltan<br />
+
+ 8 S   24 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 9 M   P. of Wls. b.<br />
+
+10 Tu  M. Luther b.<br />
+
+11 W   St. Martin<br />
+
+12 Th  Hf. qr. Day<br />
+
+13 F   Britius<br />
+
+14 S   Leibnitz d.<br />
+
+15 S   25 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+16 M   J. Bright b.<br />
+
+17 Tu  Hugh Bp. L.<br />
+
+18 W   Wilkie b.<br />
+
+19 Th  B. Arcola<br />
+
+20 F   Ld. Elgin d.<br />
+
+21 S   J. Hogg d.<br />
+
+22 S   26 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+23 M   St. Clemen.<br />
+
+24 Tu  J. Knox d.<br />
+
+25 W   Chantrey d.<br />
+
+26 Th  G. Grisi d.<br />
+
+27 F   De. Teck b.<br />
+
+28 S   Bunsen d.<br />
+
+29 S   1 S. in Adv.<br />
+
+30 M   Burnand b.]</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 Tu  Prs. Wls. b.<br />
+
+ 2 W   B. Austerl.<br />
+
+ 3 Th  Bradbury b.<br />
+
+ 4 F   Richelieu d.<br />
+
+ 5 S   S.r. 7h. 51m.<br />
+
+ 6 S   2 S. in Adv.<br />
+
+ 7 M   S.s. 3h. 50m.<br />
+
+ 8 Tu  Baxter d.<br />
+
+ 9 W   Vandyke d.<br />
+
+10 Th  Milton b.<br />
+
+11 F   Jno. Gay d.<br />
+
+12 S   Cibber d.<br />
+
+13 S   3 S. in Adv.<br />
+
+14 M   P. Cons. d.<br />
+
+15 Tu  I. Walton d.<br />
+
+16 W   V. Weber b.<br />
+
+17 Th  Oxf. M.T. e.<br />
+
+18 F   D. 7 h. 46 m.<br />
+
+19 S   Cam. M.T. e.<br />
+
+20 S   4 S. in Adv.<br />
+
+21 M   St. Thomas<br />
+
+22 Tu  Win. Q. b.<br />
+
+23 W   Jas. II. abd.<br />
+
+24 Th  Christ. Eve<br />
+
+25 F   Christ. Day<br />
+
+26 S   Bk. Holiday<br />
+
+27 S   Sun. af. Chr.<br />
+
+28 M   Innocents<br />
+
+29 Tu  Stafford ex.<br />
+
+30 W   Pegu anxd.<br />
+
+31 Th  Silvester</small></td></tr>
+
+</table>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span>
+
+<h2>TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>As they will probably be advertised in the Press of the day after
+to-morrow.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.&mdash;Reserved
+gallows seats, immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear
+view of the dying struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's
+last confession; Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's,
+ditto, three guineas. (8.30 A.M.)</p>
+
+<p>TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner.
+Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense
+excitement. A few special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable
+(including "snack" luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding
+front view of the Judge when summing-up, and close sight
+of the prisoner's facial play during the passing of sentence, &amp;c,
+(11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in their places not later than 10.30.)</p>
+
+<p>GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.&mdash;Additional
+Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great
+criminals from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital
+Punishments in all Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations
+(3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture
+Chamber in full work. Grand Execution Tableaux,
+in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments
+inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &amp;c., &amp;c.
+(3 o'clock and 6.30.) <i>Auto-da-Fé</i> at 2.30 and 7.
+Admission One Shilling. Children under
+eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats
+(inclusive of all Shows) One Guinea.
+Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand
+persons, chiefly Ladies, passed the
+turnstiles last Wednesday.)</p>
+
+<p>PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION
+AT THE SENSATIONAL
+SURGICAL SOCIETY'S ROOMS.&mdash;Exhibition
+of the droll
+effects of Curari upon
+subjects under the knife,
+and the actual cautery.
+No annoying noise, or
+disconcerting struggles!
+Bulgarian Band will
+play Popular Pieces.
+(3 P.M.)</p>
+
+<p>BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.&mdash;Full
+Spanish Programme this
+day. Absolutely no restrictions!
+Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors killed last
+week, and seven seriously
+injured. No deception!
+Extra fierce bulls to-day, and consequent
+prospect of
+HIGHLY SENSATIONAL SCENES IN THE
+ARENA!!! Admission,
+1<i>s.</i> to £5 5<i>s.</i> Specially
+Reserved Front Seats for
+Ladies, £7 7<i>s.</i> (3 P.M., and 8.30.)</p>
+
+<p>IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.&mdash;Phonographic
+Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of
+Criminals. Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial
+(Women especially). Reports of Cases tried <i>in Camerâ</i>. Private
+Conversations of parties to <i>Causes Célèbres</i>, &amp;c., &amp;c., &amp;c. Highly
+realistic revelations, and Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission,
+Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.)</p>
+
+<p>PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.&mdash;NOW open daily. Admission
+by private card only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is
+compulsory). Two Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction
+of pictures in Special Art Sanctum, £10 10<i>s.</i> (10 till 4 only.)</p>
+
+<p>GHOUL THEATRE.&mdash;<i>The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or,
+The Demon of Dahomey</i>! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in
+Five Acts, and a Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet!
+The Torture!! The Tub!!! Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed
+Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders and Side-splitting Suicides!
+Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and Tremendous Thrills of
+Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence at 8.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Moving in Society at 9!      Great Toilet Scene at 9.30!</p>
+<p>The Blood-Bath at 10.45!    Death Dance Tableau at 11.5!</p>
+<p class="i10">                      Carriages at 11.10!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and
+still crowded with the <i>élite</i> of Fashion! Be in time!!!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/2.png" alt="LITERARY STARS." /></a><h3>"LITERARY STARS."</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.</h2>
+
+<p><i>January</i>.&mdash;Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception
+<i>en route</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>February</i>.&mdash;Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at
+Dover. Triumphant progress to London.</p>
+
+<p><i>March</i>.&mdash;Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the
+Freedom of the City.</p>
+
+<p><i>April</i>.&mdash;Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers
+on every side, and unlimited hospitality.</p>
+
+<p><i>May</i>.&mdash;Lion of the London Season. Hundreds
+of nightly invitations.</p>
+
+<p><i>June</i>.&mdash;Gaiety from morning to night. Universal
+recognition of distinguished conduct.</p>
+
+<p><i>July</i>.&mdash;Phenomenal success of book of travels
+and adventures.</p>
+
+<p><i>August</i>.&mdash;Popularity at its height everywhere,
+save in town, which now begins to empty.</p>
+
+<p><i>September</i>.&mdash;Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.</p>
+
+<p><i>October</i>.&mdash;Unpleasantness on the increase.
+Interviewing, letters to the papers, and sensational
+journalism generally.</p>
+
+<p><i>November</i>.&mdash;Demonstration at the Lord
+Mayor's Show. Charges, counter-charges, and
+recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please,
+strongly recommended row.</p>
+
+<p><i>December</i>.&mdash;Fresh sensation (about a
+murder or a charitable scheme) and everything
+forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe
+a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Emperor of R-ss-a</i>.&mdash;To personally visit Siberia.</p>
+
+<p><i>King of It-ly</i>.&mdash;To come to terms with the Vatican.</p>
+
+<p><i>Emperor of G-rm-ny</i>.&mdash;To stay at home.</p>
+
+<p><i>King of P-rtug-l</i>.&mdash;To accept the situation in Africa.</p>
+
+<p><i>President C-rn-t</i>.&mdash;To forget the existence of Egypt.</p>
+
+<p><i>King of Sp-n</i>.&mdash;To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.</p>
+
+<p><i>Emperor of A-str-a</i>.&mdash;Between Kingdom and Empire, to make
+both ends meet.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord S-l-sb-ry</i>.&mdash;To prepare for the General Election.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Gl-dst-ne</i>.&mdash;To explain Home Rule.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord R. Ch-rch-ll</i>.&mdash;To give up racing in favour of politics.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. H.M. St-nl-y</i>.&mdash;To re-write <i>Darkest Africa</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>General B-th</i>.&mdash;To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s</i>.&mdash;To attend to his professional duties,
+and get through his official work.</p>
+
+<p><i>And Mr. P-nch</i>.&mdash;To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a
+century.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.&mdash;Should Mr. WILSON
+BARRETT contemplate giving another <i>Matinée</i> of that out-of-date
+play, <i>The Lady of Lyons</i>, why not change its title to <i>The Old
+Lady of Lyons</i>? No extra charge for this suggestion.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.&mdash;Police Protection to TIM HEALY.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/3.png" alt="MODERN VERSION OF 'PAUL AND VIRGINIA.'" /></a><h3>MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2>
+
+<h3>THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+SCENE&mdash;<i>The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs are
+heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all kinds,
+which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while the men
+rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded corner,</i>
+Mr. NIGHTINGALE <i>and</i> MISS ROSE <i>are conversing in whispers.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i> (<i>Stage-Manager and Organiser&mdash;self-appointed</i>).
+No&mdash;but I say, <i>really</i>, you know, we <i>must</i> try and decide on
+something&mdash;we've
+been out half an hour, and the people will be getting
+impatient! (<i>To the Ladies</i>.) Do come and help; it's really no
+use dressing up till we've settled what we're going <i>to do</i>. Can't
+<i>anybody</i> think of a good Word?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Larkspur</i>. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with
+the same plot and characters all through. We did that once at
+the Grange, and it was awfully good&mdash;just like a regular Comedy!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i>. Ah, but we've got to hit on <i>a Word</i> first.
+Come&mdash;nobody
+got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over
+<i>there</i>, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting
+your heads together?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Nightingale</i> (<i>confused</i>). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh,
+ah&mdash;yes, we've thought of a <i>lot</i> of Words.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Rose</i>. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>They resume their conversation</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor,
+won't <i>you</i> give us a Word?</p>
+
+<p><i>Chorus of Ladies</i>. Oh, <i>do</i>, Professor&mdash;you're sure to think of
+something clever!</p>
+
+<p><i>Professor Pollen</i> (<i>modestly</i>). Well, really, I've so little experience
+in these matters that&mdash;A Word <i>has</i> just occurred to me,
+however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet with
+approval&mdash;(<i>he beams at them with modest pride through his
+spectacles</i>)&mdash;it's "Monocotyledonous."</p>
+
+<p><i>Chorus of Ladies</i>. Charming! Monocottle&mdash;Oh, can't we <i>do</i>
+that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>dubiously</i>). We might&mdash;but&mdash;er&mdash;what's it
+<i>mean</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof. Pollen</i>. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant
+which has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with <i>two</i>
+are termed&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only
+one seed-lobe myself&mdash;and then the syllables&mdash;"mon"&mdash;"oh"&mdash;"cot"&mdash;"till"&mdash;we
+shouldn't get done before <i>midnight</i>, you know!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof. Pollen</i> (<i>With mild pique</i>). Well, I merely threw it out as a
+suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I
+was wrong; no doubt.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Settee</i> (<i>nervously</i>). I've thought of a word. How
+would&mdash;er&mdash;"<i>Familiar</i>" do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>severely</i>). Now, <i>really</i>. SETTEE, <i>do</i> try not to
+footle like
+this! [Mr. SETTEE <i>subsides amidst general disapproval</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Flinders</i>. (<i>With a flash of genius</i>). I've got it&mdash;<i>Gamboge</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:&mdash;"Gam"&mdash;"booge."
+How do you see it yourself?</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Mr. FLINDERS <i>discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see it, and
+the suggestion is allowed to drop</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Miss Pelagia Rhys</i>. <i>I've</i> an idea. <i>Familiar!</i>
+"Fame"&mdash;"ill"&mdash;"<i>liar</i>,"
+you know. [<i>Chorus of applause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Capital! The very thing&mdash;congratulate you, Miss RHYS!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Settee</i> (<i>sotto voce</i>). But I say, look here, <i>I</i> suggested
+that,
+you know, and you said&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>ditto</i>). What on earth <i>does</i> it matter who suggests
+it, so
+long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (<i>Aloud</i>.) How are we
+going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE <i>sulks</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a
+Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making
+a lot of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing
+the Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat inside
+out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by way of
+indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn themselves
+with a similar regard to realism, and even more care
+for appearances.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<h4>AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<i>The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed
+by faint applause</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (<i>No
+response.</i>)
+You might have played up to me a little more than you did&mdash;you
+others. You let me do everything!</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Larkspur</i>. You never let any of us get a word in!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Because you all talked at once, that was all.
+Now then&mdash;"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to
+me one by one, and say you're <i>ill</i>&mdash;see?</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a dressing-gown
+and an old yeomanry helmet</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i> (<i>huffily</i>). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with
+the audience&mdash;I'm no use <i>here</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential
+butler, and show the patients in.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Mr. W. <i>accepts&mdash;with a view to showing</i> PUSHINGTON <i>that other
+people can act as well as he</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<h4>AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Seemed to <i>drag</i> a little, somehow! There was
+no necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A
+Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i>. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to
+put some fun in <i>somewhere</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. P.</i> Well, you might have put it where someone could see it.
+Nobody laughed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Professor Pollen</i>. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I
+was describing my symptoms&mdash;which I can vouch for as scientifically
+correct&mdash;you persisted in kicking my legs under the table&mdash;it was
+unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. I was only trying to hint to you that as there
+were a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview
+short, Professor&mdash;that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Buckram</i>. If I had known the kind of questions you were
+going to ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have
+exposed myself to them. I say no more, but I must positively decline
+to appear with you again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets
+carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&amp;c.,
+&amp;c.&mdash;<i>until</i>
+Miss BUCKRAM <i>is partly mollified</i>.) Now then&mdash;last syllable.
+Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and all of you
+come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that
+screamingly funny!</p>
+
+<h4>AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Muddled? Of <i>course</i> it was muddled&mdash;you all
+called me a liar before I opened my mouth!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Rest</i>.&mdash;But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we
+<i>had</i> to bring the Word in somehow.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pushington</i>. Bring it in?&mdash;but you needn't have let it <i>out</i>.
+There was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We
+must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again
+(<i>muttering</i>). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't
+understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span>
+
+<h4>AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><i>General Murmur</i>. What <i>can</i> it be? Not <i>Turk</i>, I suppose,
+or
+Magician?&mdash;Quarrelling?&mdash;Parnellite?&mdash;Impertinence? Shall we
+give it up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if
+we don't, they'll do another; and it is getting <i>so</i> late, and such a
+<i>long</i> drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No,
+indeed, we can't <i>imagine. "Familiar</i>!" To be sure&mdash;<i>how</i> clever,
+and <i>how</i> well you all acted it, to be sure&mdash;you must be quite tired
+after it all. I am sure <i>we</i>&mdash;hem&mdash;are deeply indebted to you ... My
+dear Miss ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I
+never recognised you a bit, nor <i>you</i>, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part
+did <i>you</i> take?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Nightingale</i>. I&mdash;er&mdash;didn't take any particular part&mdash;wasn't
+wanted, you know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Rose</i>. Not to <i>act</i>,&mdash;so we stayed outside
+and&mdash;and&mdash;arranged things.</p>
+
+<p><i>An Old Lady</i>. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none
+of the pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Rose</i> (<i>sweetly</i>). Oh no. I mean yes!&mdash;but we didn't <i>mind</i>
+it much.</p>
+
+<p><i>The O.L.</i> And which of you settled what the Word was to be?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. N.</i> Well, I believe we settled that together.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not of
+the house-party. In the Smoking-room</i>, Mr. PUSHINGTON
+<i>discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the
+other men, and puts it down to jealousy</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.</h2>
+
+<p>We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our
+principel Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun,
+and may it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one
+cheer more for the bewtifool LADY MARESS,
+and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah,
+we Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows
+our dooty to the fairer and weaker sects
+quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves.
+I next perposed the City Livvery
+Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as
+ort for to be printed and sircculated. I
+had serttenly given a good deal of atention
+to it, and praps shood have dun ewen
+better if I hadn't quite forgot ewery word
+of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly,
+was all about the lots of money as they
+gives away. But I remembred all about
+their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting to my
+hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion,
+of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus
+Dinners of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally
+cause a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat
+and xquisit a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was
+werry considerabel diffrens of opinion about their warious choice
+wines, but all agreed in praising them werry hily, but ewen more,
+the trew libberality with which they was served, and not poured
+out so close as to make the pore Waiter's dooty a thirsty and
+tanterlising one indeed.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/4-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-1.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<p>We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not
+forgettin the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody
+knows as is anybody, and drank to their great success, for
+werry ewident reesons.</p>
+
+<p>Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the
+reckless ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say,
+as how as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was
+to hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely
+called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more
+manly employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly
+forgave him, more specially as he stands six foot one in his
+stockings, let alone his boots. However he made up for his bad
+manners by singing with his capital voice, his new Song of "<i>Old
+Robert the Waiter</i>" being a rayther complementary Parody, as he
+called it, upon "<i>Old Simon the Cellerer</i>," which was receeved with
+emense aplause. So he gave, as an arncore, the Waiter's favrite
+Glee of "<i>Mynear Van Dunk</i>," with its fine conwincing moral against
+Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish.</p>
+
+<p>BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by
+singing his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and
+we sort our seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as
+his Lordship hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the
+follering sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May
+all the well to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a
+Crismus as we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind
+thort, and a liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly
+wants it this bitter weather." ROBERT.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:28%;"><a href="images/4-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-2.png" alt="" /></a>Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.</div>
+
+<p>MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY
+JERUM," is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide,
+entitled <i>Told After Supper</i>. What he wants, that is, what he
+ought to have whether he wants it or not, is judicious
+editing. Had this process been applied to this eccentric
+haphazardy book, scarcely more than a third
+of it would have been published. "His style, in this
+book at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I
+say the same of his <i>Three Men in a Tub</i>, suggests the
+idea of his writing being the work of a young man
+who, among his companions
+and admirers, has earned the reputation of being a 'deuced funny
+chap,' and so has to struggle to live up to this reputation, or to live
+it down." JERUMKY JERUM still somewhat affects Yankee humour,
+not, however, in so forced and vulgar a manner as in his overpraised
+<i>Three Men in a Boat</i>. Two of the Ghost Stories are
+humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they been
+introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very
+palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's
+night) brought in his story of <i>Tom Smart</i>, and of the inimitable
+<i>Gabriel Grub</i>, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably
+enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels&mdash;sandwich'd in
+between heavy slabs of doughy material&mdash;stand a chance of not
+being tasted. To anyone who comes across the book the Baron says,
+"read about the Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and
+EMILY. The tinted paper on which it is printed is a mistake, as
+are also most of the amateurish illustrations."</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/4-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-3.png" alt="Goblins." /></a>Goblins.</div>
+
+<p><i>WOMAN</i>&mdash;not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"&mdash;nor woman
+who in our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But
+Woman, the weekly <i>Woman</i> who is doing uncommonly well and
+in her fifty-third number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea
+of a Christmas dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very
+good and simple dinner it was. The same <i>Woman</i> gave also, among
+a variety of next-day's treatments of Turkey, <i>Turkey in Aspic</i>,
+Turkey in Europe, and Turkey in Asia&mdash;yes&mdash;but what about
+"Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't look well; much better in French.
+But we dare say it's very good, though, for breakfast or supper,
+"devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat."</p>
+
+<p>I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested
+me muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his
+writings, though I do not remember ever having heard
+the titles of his works mentioned, that, when a neat-looking
+volume was sent me by Messrs. PATERSON &amp; Co.
+of <i>Leigh Hunt's Tales</i>, I anticipated great pleasure
+from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in
+anticipation. I have tried, as the song says, "A little
+bit here, and a little bit there&mdash;Here a bit,
+There a bit, And everywhere
+a bit,"&mdash;but, hang me, says the Baron, if I can tackle any
+one of them. The matter doesn't interest me, and the style doesn't
+fascinate me. This may be rank heresy, but I can't help it. I
+have tried, and failed. Well, better to have tried, and failed, than
+never to have tried at all. But I shan't try again,&mdash;at least, not
+on this collection of Tales.</p>
+
+<p>BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.&mdash;A good collection of pictures and
+sculpture&mdash;including
+works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD,
+ALFRED GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others&mdash;is on view at the
+Royal Arcade Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for
+the benefit of the family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young
+sculptor, who died only a few weeks ago. Lots more to say, but
+you won't stand it, and will probably say, "<i>Par! si bête</i>!" So no
+more at present from yours par-entally, OLD PAR.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.&mdash;A Sheriff's Officer: a
+Writ-ualist.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span>
+
+<h2>A FORECAST FOR 1891.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Being some Extracts from the Gloomy Outlooker's Diary.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/5-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/5-1.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Old Sol</i>. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. P.</i> "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"</p></div>
+
+<p><i>January</i>.&mdash;Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London
+"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses,
+the fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15<i>s.</i> Milk, 10<i>s.</i>
+the half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to
+secure the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out
+the Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of
+coals. The Three per Cents go down to 35.</p>
+
+<p><i>February</i>.&mdash;Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis
+makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords,
+crosses Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large
+centre terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a
+mile in Piccadilly.</p>
+
+<p><i>March</i>.&mdash;Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played
+at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking
+Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are
+carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital.</p>
+
+<p><i>April</i>.&mdash;Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large
+metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen
+waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire
+brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish the
+flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the
+holders of gas shares.</p>
+
+<p><i>May</i>.&mdash;The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute
+stage. The "Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League"
+being patted on the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme,
+and seize the Stock Exchange and the Mansion House.</p>
+
+<p><i>June</i>.&mdash;The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter
+stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of
+England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation to
+celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in returning
+thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the takings"
+of their hosts must have been "enormous."</p>
+
+<p><i>July</i>.&mdash;Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme.
+Triumphant return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed
+themselves immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to
+having another innings at "the way out."</p>
+
+<p><i>August</i>.&mdash;The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to
+stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the hundred-ton
+guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a shell
+into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, bursting
+itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of a letter in
+the <i>Times</i> from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the matter will
+be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department.</p>
+
+<p><i>September</i>.&mdash;A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several
+Hotchkiss guns with their guests asked down to the shooting,
+exceed the known figures of any previous <i>battue</i> to such an extent
+that birds sell in Bond Street at <i>3d</i>. a brace, with the result that
+the whole of Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the
+next seven years.</p>
+
+<p><i>October</i>.&mdash;The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to
+be got anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament
+meet the "food" crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative
+Society, and bring up their own cattle to London. Being, however,
+unable to kill them professionally without the aid of a butcher,
+they blow them up with gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe,
+for which proceedings they are somewhat maliciously
+prosecuted by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.</p>
+
+<p><i>November</i>.&mdash;The Strike continuing, and times being very bad,
+several Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a
+tour of their immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs,
+thereby realising a very handsome sum in halfpence from a not
+unsympathetic public.</p>
+
+<p><i>December</i>.&mdash;First signs of a probable second edition of a "good
+old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence.
+Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only
+frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891
+terminates in gloomy despair.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>EDWIN AND ANGELINA.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>One More Version.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:18%;"><a href="images/5-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/5-2.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,&mdash;I beg of you to hear my tale of woe,</p>
+<p>My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know;</p>
+<p>How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted,</p>
+<p>And I am left to shed a tear&mdash;alone, and broken-hearted.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We were engaged for eighteen months&mdash;he often said that life</p>
+<p>Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife.</p>
+<p>My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle,"</p>
+<p>He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea&mdash;</p>
+<p>She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me.</p>
+<p>I thought him quite a model youth&mdash;hard-working, loyal, steady,</p>
+<p>A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.",</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known</p>
+<p>Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own."</p>
+<p>It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely,</p>
+<p>Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm,</p>
+<p>I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm;</p>
+<p>So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever,</p>
+<p>But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He only called me darling once! how different from before!</p>
+<p>Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)?</p>
+<p>And was he tired of me&mdash;the girl he loved so fondly, dearly?</p>
+<p>It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yes&mdash;was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove?</p>
+<p>You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love!</p>
+<p>I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly,</p>
+<p>That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast</p>
+<p>Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best;</p>
+<p>And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly,</p>
+<p>But it <i>was</i> more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The truth was clear&mdash;I quickly sent him back his lovely <i>cartes</i>,</p>
+<p>His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts.</p>
+<p>I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried&mdash;</p>
+<p>And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know,</p>
+<p>You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go.</p>
+<p>And if you know, dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, a husband, say you've seen a</p>
+<p>Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>ANGELINA.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?&mdash;Under the
+beneficent influence of the early coal dews&mdash;subsequently spelt coal
+dues&mdash;which have existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan
+Improvements have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks
+to ignorant, but well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues
+being abolished, up goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there
+is no surplus for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of
+coal dues were considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus,
+"Hard times, come again once more!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/6.png" alt="" /></a><h3>PRIG-STICKING.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Little Prigson</i>. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST
+OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS
+SISTAH'S <i>QUITE</i> THE NICEST GIRL I EVER MET."</p>
+
+<p><i>Aunt Eliza</i>. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU <i>MIGHT</i>
+HAVE HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL
+EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF <i>PRESENT COMPANY</i>!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Cousin Maud</i>. "YES; IN <i>BOTH</i> CASES, YOU KNOW!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"</h2>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Punch, loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy,</p>
+<p class="i2">Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily,</p>
+<p>'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy,</p>
+<p class="i4">At least, you're beginning most merrily.</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      You make a good start, anyhow.</p>
+<p class="i2">With a kiss from the lips that can never betray,</p>
+<p class="i2">There's many a girl would be greeted <i>that</i> way!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>You're welcome, my lad! It is <i>Punch's</i> old style</p>
+<p class="i2">To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers;</p>
+<p>In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile,</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>His</i> warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers!</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow.</p>
+<p class="i2">He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Sursum corda</i>! That motto's the best of the bunch;</p>
+<p class="i2">Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker.</p>
+<p>Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from <i>Punch</i>,</p>
+<p class="i4">Never helped one in heart or exchequer,</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      You cannot do better, I vow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule,</p>
+<p class="i2">As your very first tip in your very first school.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad?</p>
+<p class="i2">And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus,</p>
+<p>Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad.</p>
+<p class="i4">How well the Venusian knows us!</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      <i>He</i> never kissed maid, but somehow</p>
+<p class="i2">Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine</p>
+<p class="i2">With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch,</p>
+<p class="i2">(Though sometimes my <i>bâton</i> must play&mdash;on rogues' shoulders.)</p>
+<p>Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch</p>
+<p class="i4">By Orbilian smiters and scolders.</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      A kiss is best treatment, I trow.</p>
+<p class="i2">A salute from the lips of your <i>Punch</i> you'll not spurn,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the young guests around you shall each take a turn.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear,</p>
+<p class="i2">There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon,</p>
+<p>But&mdash;well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year</p>
+<p class="i4">As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on.</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      You look mighty kissable&mdash;now.</p>
+<p class="i2">So here goes another, for luck like, my dear,</p>
+<p class="i2">As we wish everybody A Happy New Year!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Old Morality's Christmas Card and New Year Wishes.</h3>
+
+<p>This communication is designed to convey the expression of the
+wish that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those
+not distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed
+a season of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve
+months, upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with
+Happiness. (<i>Signed</i>) W.H.S.</p>
+
+<p><i>Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve</i>, 1890.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the
+title and name of BISHOP KING.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" src="images/7.png" alt="A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" /></a><h3>"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/9-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-1.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE."</h3>
+
+"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I
+propose to make a few additions to my usual
+forensic costume."&mdash;<i>Extract from a Letter of
+Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend</i>.</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT THE END OF THE YEAR.</h2>
+
+<p>To a Friend,</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Do you remember how we sat,</p>
+<p class="i2">We two, in this same room together</p>
+<p>Last year, and talked of this and that,</p>
+<p class="i2">And warmed our toes and cursed the weather?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud</p>
+<p class="i2">(We both smoked briars, I remember),</p>
+<p>And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed</p>
+<p class="i2">To do or die ere next December?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We spoke without respect of BEN,</p>
+<p class="i2">BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly;</p>
+<p><i>Now</i> BEN bamboozles jurymen,</p>
+<p class="i2">And makes his thousand guineas yearly.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We both despised the wretched JOE,</p>
+<p class="i2">My fag at school, your butt at College.</p>
+<p>Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Choked with absurdly useful knowledge.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet JOE assists to give us laws,</p>
+<p class="i2">Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form,</p>
+<p>'Midst empty thunders of applause,</p>
+<p class="i2">Erect on many a Tory platform.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And poor, inconsequential JACK,</p>
+<p class="i2">His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's,</p>
+<p>Has married money, keeps a hack,</p>
+<p class="i2">And has a big account at COUTTS's.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square,</p>
+<p class="i2">And DICK is noted for his dinners&mdash;</p>
+<p>Life is a race, but was it fair,</p>
+<p class="i2">We asked, that <i>these</i> should be the winners?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We, too, would win; and Heaven knows</p>
+<p class="i2">What vows we uttered fiery-hearted,</p>
+<p>While '89 drew to its close,</p>
+<p class="i2">And '90 found us&mdash;so we parted.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And here, good lack, while '90 wanes,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our candles flaring in their sockets,</p>
+<p>We sit once more and count our gains&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends;</p>
+<p class="i2">Men prate of wealth in empty words, I</p>
+<p>Sit here content as '90 ends.</p>
+<p class="i2">And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2>
+
+<h4>SEASONABLE.</h4>
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating
+and explosive Stimulant.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal
+Restorer.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping
+baby instantly flying out of the
+cradle.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid
+Grandfather suddenly mount to
+the fifth storey by leaps and bounds.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate
+influenza.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache
+into delirium.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows
+up the brain tissues.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole
+household on the sneeze.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever
+in the Infant School.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the
+Hippopotamus.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief
+Justice off the Bench.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the
+dentist.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop
+dancing a break-down.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher
+into a Lunatic Asylum.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising
+Politician.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation
+of the Prime Minister.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler
+cab-horse win the Derby.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor
+for Practical Jokers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely
+relied on by Master TOMMY.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the
+baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into
+the Soup at a dinner-party, will lead
+to a serious riot in the dining-room.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in
+a sandwich, will choke an Uncle.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general
+disorganiser of every Household.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.&mdash;A Pinch will
+thoroughly banish sleep for a whole
+fortnight.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.&mdash;"An Octogenarian
+Consumer" writes:&mdash;"I was
+in a comatose condition for twenty years,
+when I came across your Pepper. I had
+scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my
+arm-chair, and have danced a continual fandango
+ever since. I carry it loose in all my
+pockets, and scatter it on all my friends
+whenever I meet them. This has got me
+kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I
+do not in the least mind. I'm as merry and
+as mad as a March hare&mdash;and your Pepper has done it."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.&mdash;The Proprietors
+beg to inform their Friends and
+Patrons that they can supply this highly
+combustible and explosive compound in
+felt safety cases, carefully packed at their
+bomb-proof establishment in Barking Marshes,
+at the usual retail prices, viz., 1<i>s.</i> 1-1/2<i>d.</i>,
+2<i>s.</i> 9<i>d.</i>, 11<i>s.</i>, 21<i>s.</i>, and 31<i>s.</i>
+6<i>d.</i>, &amp;c, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY.</h2>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/9-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-2.png" alt="Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time." /></a>Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.</div>
+
+<p>Dear Mr. Punch,&mdash;I venture to address
+you on a subject that I feel sure will enlist
+your kind attention and sympathy. How am
+I to get through Yule Tide? Ought I to give
+up the dispatch of "cards," or ought I to send
+them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances?
+If I drop the custom, people who
+like me will think I am outting them, and
+persons with whom I am less popular will
+imagine that economy, not to say meanness,
+is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post
+Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense,"
+and <i>do</i> send the cards. Well, I am in this
+position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty
+to get a suitable greeting to all those
+who receive my annual benediction. If I
+have "Wishing you and yours every happiness,"
+with my appended name and address
+lithographed, the greeting seems cold, and
+even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a
+favourite Maiden Aunt; and unduly familiar
+if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for
+the first time in my life the day before
+yesterday. Then if I trust to the ordinary
+Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at
+a loss to select an appropriate recipient for a
+nestful of owls, or the picture of a Clown
+touching up an elderly gentleman of highly
+respectable appearance with a red-hot poker!
+If I get a representation of flowers, the chances
+are ten to one that the accompanying lines
+are of a compromising character. It is
+obviously cruel to send to a recently-widowed
+Uncle some verses about "<i>Darby and Joan</i>,"
+and my Mother-in-law is not likely to feel
+complimented if I forward to her a poetically
+expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter
+place than her own home&mdash;away, of
+course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these
+are the problems that meet the would-be Yule
+Tide card distributer at every turn! I remain,
+my dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, yours sincerely,</p>
+
+<p>ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;If this arrives late, thank the cards
+that have overtaxed the postal arrangements.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The United Service Diary for 1891.</h3>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/9-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-3.png" alt="Extremes Meet." /></a>Extremes Meet.</div>
+
+<p><i>January to March</i>.&mdash;Soldiers
+on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.</p>
+
+<p><i>April to June</i>.&mdash;Soldiers at play.
+Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.</p>
+
+<p><i>July to September</i>.&mdash;Soldiers at
+sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors
+at play (<i>ditto</i>). Civil Servants away (<i>ditto</i>).</p>
+
+<p><i>October to December</i>.&mdash;Soldiers on leave.
+Sailors at sea. Civil Servants reading the morning paper.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" src="images/10.png" alt="FOLLIES OF THE YEAR." /></a><h3>FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span>
+
+<h2>IN THE LATEST STYLE.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Our Intrepid Interviewer.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>Feeling that your readers would be interested
+in learning Mr. CHOSE's own view of
+the unpleasant affair, I called upon the
+distinguished Arctic Explorer just as he was
+sitting down to breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I
+asked, "that you stole the umbrellas?"</p>
+
+<p>The face of the warrior flushed angrily,
+for a moment, and then regaining his composure,
+he replied that he could not see the
+point of possessing himself of articles that
+would be absolutely valueless in those
+extremely northern latitudes.</p>
+
+<p>"That is not the question," I persisted.
+"I am sure you will forgive me, when you
+remember that I speak in the name of the
+Public; but what I want, and what they want
+to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas?
+Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't see what either you or they have
+to do with it," replied the Arctic Explorer,
+cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a
+matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do
+with any of the luggage of the expedition.
+So, if it is said, that I walked about with a
+shower-protector that was not my own, you
+can value the story for what it is worth.
+Why, on the very face of it, the report is
+ridiculous!"</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the
+world is uncharitable. However, Mr. CHOSE,
+perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your
+friend and colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted
+an aged Esquimaux into what he termed
+Iced Greenlander?"</p>
+
+<p>'I have heard the story, certainly; but
+cannot say whether it
+is true or not. When the incident is alleged
+to have happened, I was in another part of the
+country, having been sent there to change
+novels at the local circulating library."</p>
+
+<p>"But would you say it was probable?"</p>
+
+<p>"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted,
+chivalrous, merry, gladsome, gallant
+young fellow. He was the soul of honour.
+Why," he added, with deep emotion, "I have
+left as much as fourpence in coppers on a
+mantel-piece alone with him, and on my
+return nave found every halfpenny of the
+money untouched!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then do you not think he pushed the old
+man into the sausage-machine?"</p>
+
+<p>"If he did, it must have been either accidentally,
+or to win a wager, or perhaps as
+practical joke. That he would do anything open to censure at the
+hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely incredible. Why, he
+is a Loamshire man!"</p>
+
+<p>"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have
+finished your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question.
+Is it true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle,
+stifled your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?"</p>
+
+<p>The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said
+something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated.</p>
+
+<p>"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking
+pockets? And when it is said that you
+were turned out of a Club for cheating at cards&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But at this point I was assisted to take
+my leave with so much abruptness, that I
+was forced to leave my last question but partially
+formulated. On finding myself once
+more in the street, I noticed that I was
+reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A
+little later, however, my hat was thrown after me.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"><h2>PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET.</h2><a href="images/11-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/11-1.png" alt="" /></a><h4>HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO SHAKSPEARE.</h4>
+
+<p>"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Note</i>.&mdash;Shakespeare was the originator of the
+aesthetic expression "Too, too."</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/11-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/11-2.png" alt="" /></a><i>Queen</i>. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br />
+Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>POLITICS UP TO DATE.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Specimen Leader from an Irish Paper in a Chronic State of Revolution.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.&mdash;We appear this morning
+awaiting the future with confidence and
+hope. So far, we have been able to conduct
+this journal on patriotic lines. We have
+denounced the Leader of the Party as the
+enemy of his country, and have applauded
+his opponents as the saviours of society.
+But we cannot conceal from ourselves that
+the time may arrive when this policy may
+be reversed. The hour may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>10 A.M.&mdash;It has! We have much pleasure
+in informing our readers that, after a vigorous
+fight (honourable to all who took part in it),
+we have conquered. This paper is in our
+hands, and henceforward we shall support,
+to the best of our ability, the Leader of the
+Party, and denounce the infamous pretensions
+of his opponents; still, it would be unwise to
+ignore the possibilities of the future. We
+may be overpowered by a tyrannical majority.
+The time may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>11 A.M.&mdash;It has! Hurroo! It was hard
+fighting to get back;
+but here we are again,
+ready to denounce the
+leader, and support his
+opponents. For the
+moment we are victorious,
+but who shall prophesy what may be
+looming in the distant
+ages? The hour may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>12 NOON.&mdash;It has! And now that we have
+again taken possession, we must say we have
+never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs
+were flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns
+in all directions, and the scrimmages were
+just magnificent! It was an elegant row
+entirely! But now to work. Our noble
+leader deserves his triumph, and his opponents
+are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be
+foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>1 P.M.&mdash;It has! Be jabers, what a contest!
+But we have just slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight
+entirely! How the ink-pots flew about! Easy now, let us to business.
+The shorter we make our remarks the better, as no one can
+say what will be happening hereafter. The hour may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>2 P.M.&mdash;It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them!
+Hurroo, boys! This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail
+of my&mdash;we mean&mdash;our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Publication suspended until someone can be found&mdash;not otherwise
+engaged&mdash;to write and print it, while someone else starts
+a rival and "suppressed" edition</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/12-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/12-1.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.</h2>
+
+<p><i>January</i>.&mdash;If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN
+was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although
+the Opposition tried to <i>hinder her</i> from assuming the title. Work
+this out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't
+be given away if only <i>lent</i>. This entertaining quibble (suitable to
+five o'clock teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note
+the colours of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the
+blues." On the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First
+date suggestive of PITT, the second of <i>pity</i>. Good joke for the
+Midlands. Put it down to SHERIDAN.</p>
+
+<p><i>February</i>.&mdash;On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's
+festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire.
+This said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical
+luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary
+missive, say it is less suggestive of <i>Valentine</i> than <i>Orson</i>.
+This
+capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they
+laugh until the end of the month.</p>
+
+<p><i>March</i>.&mdash;Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801.
+If you take care to pronounce the victory <i>A-book-er</i>, you may
+possibly
+get a jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on
+the turf, when you can call it "the defeat of <i>A-book-er</i>." Good at
+a hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can
+observe "1801?&mdash;the year of my birth!"</p>
+
+<p><i>April</i>.&mdash;Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be
+"<i>All</i> Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who
+reads the <i>Times</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>May</i>.&mdash;You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty
+date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and
+explain that you meant a "<i>Connaughty</i> date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's
+Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint
+conceit a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the
+celebrated songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles
+from London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps
+venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being
+like "lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not
+expect any one to laugh.</p>
+
+<p><i>June</i>.&mdash;The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and
+there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's
+Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days"
+are few and far between, according to WHITAKER.</p>
+
+<p><i>July</i>.&mdash;Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it
+is also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce
+the victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause
+merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their
+lives on desert islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On
+the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that
+although a priceless boon it was only a <i>light</i> relief. If you can
+only introduce this really clever <i>bon mot</i> into a speech at a wedding
+breakfast, a railway indignation meeting or a debate in the
+House of Lords, it is sure to go with bowls not to say
+shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in founding
+Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement
+is the nearest approach to levity that in
+common decency can be tolerated in a mourning coach.</p>
+
+<p><i>August</i>.&mdash;On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280
+British slaves were freed. You might ask satirically,
+how many slaves (be they husbands or be they wives)
+now exist? You might offer this to a clergyman to
+be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the
+Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up
+of an infant school) that on account of the
+extremely warm reception to which the French were
+welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be appropriately
+called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy."
+This will be found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home
+on furlough, and an Honorary Royal Academician living
+in retirement.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/12-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/12-2.png" alt="" /></a><h4>ALWAYS ENTERTAINING;</h4>
+
+<p>OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!</p></div>
+
+<p><i>September</i>.&mdash;On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences.
+Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing
+off guns without loading, killing dead birds, &amp;c, &amp;c.
+On the 3rd, the present Lord Chancellor born in 1825&mdash;the
+name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-<i>bury</i>. A little
+obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply
+repay time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS
+(who may be amusingly called "Watts-his-name"), died
+in 1869. Not much in this, but may possibly fill up an
+awkward pause during the reading of a will, or the
+arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's
+initial hospitality at five o'clock tea.</p>
+
+<p><i>October</i>.&mdash;FIELDING, the novelist, <i>bowled out</i> on the
+8th in 1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th&mdash;an awful
+example to habitual drunkards. Pheasant-shooting
+commences. Right time to tell that story about the
+Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot <i>peasants</i> instead!
+This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians
+who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.</p>
+
+<p><i>November</i>.&mdash;Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs
+about having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take
+the chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets.
+Lord Mayor's Day on the 9th&mdash;opportunity for letting
+off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000 a Mayor's Nest-egg,"
+&amp;c, &amp;c. Jests about the fog not now popular&mdash;the
+infliction is too serious for jocularity!</p>
+
+<p><i>December</i>.&mdash;Holiday time for everyone,
+inclusive of that most melancholy of persons "the
+funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811)
+reaches the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man
+(born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing
+Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the
+world a Happy New Year.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>APPROPRIATE.&mdash;Sir,&mdash;Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas
+legal case than appeared in the <i>Times</i> Law Report, December
+20th, and which was entitled "<i>The Mayor, &amp;c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre</i>
+v. <i>The Justices of Lancashire</i>?" What delightful names
+for a comic chorus to a <i>Bab Ballad</i> in a Pantomime.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Solo</i>. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor</p>
+<p><i>Chorus</i>. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee;</p>
+<p><i>Solo</i>. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare,</p>
+<p><i>Chorus</i>. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be
+serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
+in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
+there will be no exception.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12860 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
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+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #12860 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12860)
diff --git a/old/12860-8.txt b/old/12860-8.txt
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.,
+January 3, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., January 3, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 9, 2004 [EBook #12860]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+January 3, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: VOL. C, CALENDAR]
+
+  JANUARY xxxi Days.
+
+   1 Th  N. Year's D.
+   2 F   Abydos t.
+   3 S   L. Hunt b.
+   4 S   2 S. af. Chr.
+   5 M   Sambourne]
+   6 T   Epiphany
+   7 W   Bp. Ely d.
+   8 Th  Cam. L.T.b.
+   9 F   S.r. 8 h. 6 m.
+  10 S   S.s. 4 h. 10 m.
+  11 S   1.S. af. Epip.
+  12 M   Hil. Sit. b.
+  13 Tu  B. Cannæ
+  14 W   Oxf. L.T. b.
+  15 Th  Orsini plot
+  16 F   B. Corunna
+  17 S   Franklin b.
+  18 S   2 S. af. Epip.
+  19 M   Watt b.
+  20 Tu  Fabian
+  21 W   Agnes
+  22 Th  Vincent
+  23 F   Pitt d. 1806
+  24 S   Fox b. 1749
+  25 S   Septuag. S.
+  26 M   Brazil disc.
+  27 Tu  J. Gibson d.
+  28 W   Prescott d.
+  29 Th  Capit. Paris
+  30 F   Chas. I. bhd.
+  31 S   B. Jonson b.
+
+
+  FEBRUARY xxviii Days.
+
+   1 S   Sexages. S.
+   2 M   B. Lincoln
+   3 Tu  Bassevi d.
+   4 W   S.r. 7 h. 36 m.
+   5 Th  Galvani d.
+   6 F   S.s. 4 h. 56 m.
+   7 S   Dickens b.
+   8 S   Quinqu. S.
+   9 M   Darnley m.
+  10 Tu  Q.V. marr.
+  11 W   Ash. Wed.
+  12 Th  Cellini d.
+  13 F   Revol. 1688
+  14 S   Valentine
+  15 S   1 S. in Lent.
+  16 M   Burke exe.
+  17 Tu  Braham d.
+  18 W   Luther d.
+  19 Th  Copernic. b.
+  20 F   J. Hume d.
+  21 S   Trinidad t.
+  22 S   2 S. in Lent
+  23 M   S. Brookes d.
+  24 Tu  Matthias
+  25 W   Wren d.
+  26 Th  T. Moore d.
+  27 F   Benevento
+  28 S   J. Tenniel
+
+
+  MARCH xxxi Days.
+
+   1 S   3 S. in Lent
+   2 M   Wesley d.
+   3 Tu  B. Merton
+   4 W   Somers b.
+   5 Th  S.r. 6 h. 39 m.
+   6 F   Du Maurier
+   7 S   S.s. 5 h. 48 m.
+   8 S   4 S. in Lent
+   9 M   Cobbett b.
+  10 Tu  Schiller b.
+  11 W   Inc. T. imp.
+  12 Th  Gregory
+  13 F   Talfourd d.
+  14 S   Byng shot
+  15 S   5 S. in Lent
+  16 M   Dr. Kent d.
+  17 Tu  St. Patrick
+  18 W   Suez cnl. op.
+  19 Th  Lucknow t.
+  20 F   B. Alexand.
+  21 S   Benedict
+  22 S   Palm S.
+  23 M   Nat. Gal. f.
+  24 Tu  Q. Eliz. d.
+  25 W   Lady Day
+  26 Th  D. Camb. b.
+  27 F   Good Frid.
+  28 S   Cateau
+  29 S   East. Sun.
+  30 M   Bk. Holiday
+  31 Tu  Haydn b.
+
+
+  APRIL xxx Days.
+
+   1 W   All Fools
+   2 Th  S.r. 5 h. 35 m.
+   3 F   S.s. 6 h. 34 m.
+   4 S   Ambrose bp.
+   5 S   Low Sun.
+   6 M   O. Lady-Day
+   7 Tu  Pr. Leop. b.
+   8 W   B. Savona
+   9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.
+  10 F   Cam. E.T. b.
+  11 S   Canning d.
+  12 S   2 S. af. Eas.
+  13 M   Handel d.
+  14 Tu  Prs. Beatr. b.
+  15 W   S. Maron.
+  16 Th  Thiers b.
+  17 F   B. Culloden
+  18 S   Graunt d.
+  19 S   3 S. af. Eas.
+  20 M   Spa. fl. des.
+  21 Tu  Bp. Heber b.
+  22 W   Odessa bom.
+  23 Th  St. George
+  24 F   B. Landrec.
+  25 S   Prs. Alice b.
+  26 S   4 S. af. Eas.
+  27 M   Gibbon b.
+  28 Tu  B. Tours
+  29 W   S. Cath. S.
+  30 Th  Fitzroy d.
+
+
+  MAY xxxi Days.
+
+   1 F   May Day
+   2 S   S.r. 4 h. 32 m.
+   3 S   Rogation S.
+   4 M   Sering. tkn.
+   5 Tu  S.s. 7 h. 27 m.
+   6 W   John Evan.
+   7 Th  Holy Thurs.
+   8 F   Le Sage b.
+   9 S   Hf. qr. Day
+  10 S   S. af. Ascen.
+  11 M   Chatham d.
+  12 Tu  Albt. Mem. c.
+  13 W   O. May Day
+  14 Th  Gratton d.
+  15 F   O'Connell d.
+  16 S   B. Albuera
+  17 S   Whit Sun.
+  18 M   Bk. Holiday
+  19 Tu  Dunstan
+  20 W   Columbus d.
+  21 Th  Cawnpore
+  22 F   Dasent b.
+  23 S   M. Lemon d.
+  24 S   Trin. Sun.
+  25 M   Pr. Hel. b.
+  26 Tu  Augustine
+  27 W   Ven. Bede
+  28 Th  Corp. Christ.
+  29 F   Chas. II. res.
+  30 S   Pope d.
+  31 S   1 Sn. af. Tr.
+
+
+  JUNE xxx Days.
+
+   1 M   Nicomede
+   2 Tu  Harvey b.
+   3 W   S.r. 3 h. 50 m.
+   4 Th  S.s. 8 h. 7 m.
+   5 F   Weber d.
+   6 S   Calpee tkn.
+   7 S   2 Sn. af. Tr.
+   8 M   D. Jerrold d.
+   9 Tu  Paxton d.
+  10 W   Heilsberg
+  11 Th  Barnabas
+  12 F   B. Wilton
+  13 S   Hastgs. bhd.
+  14 S   3 Sn. af. Tr.
+  15 M   Mag. Charta
+  16 Tu  Wat Tyl. sl.
+  17 W   St. Alban
+  18 Th  Waterloo
+  19 F   B. Wavres
+  20 S   Q. Vic. Ac.
+  21 S   4 Sn. af. Tr.
+  22 M   B. Pered
+  23 Tu  B. Plassy
+  24 W   Midsm. D.
+  25 Th  B. Altivia
+  26 F   Geo. IV. d.
+  27 S   Cairo tkn.
+  28 S   5 Sn. af. Tr.
+  29 M   St. Peter
+  30 Tu  Roscoe d.
+
+
+  JULY xxxi Days.
+
+   1 W   B. Boyne
+   2 Th  S.r. 3 h. 50 m.
+   3 F   B. Sadowa
+   4 S   S.s. 8 h. 17 m.
+   5 S   6 Sn. af. Tr.
+   6 M   Old Mid. D.
+   7 Tu  J. Huss bt.
+   8 W   A. Smith d.
+   9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.
+  10 F   Bp. Fell d.
+  11 S   B. Ouden
+  12 S   7 Sn. af. Tr.
+  13 M   D. Orleans d.
+  14 Tu  Bastile des.
+  15 W   St. Swithin
+  16 Th  Beranger d.
+  17 F   Punch b. '41
+  18 S   Sherlock d.
+  19 S   8 Sn. af. Tr.
+  20 M   Margaret
+  21 Tu  R. Burns d.
+  22 W   Salamanca
+  23 Th  Lyonet b.
+  24 F   Gibral. tkn.
+  25 S   St. James
+  26 S   9 Sn. af. Tr.
+  27 M   Talavera
+  28 Tu  Robesp. exe.
+  29 W   B. Beylau
+  30 Th  W. Penn d.
+  31 F   E. Pease d.
+
+
+  AUGUST xxxi Days.
+
+   1 S   Lammas
+   2 S   10 Sn. af. Tr.
+   3 M   Bk. Holiday
+   4 Tu  Oystr. Sea. c.
+   5 W   S.r. 4 h. 31 m.
+   6 Th  Dk. Edn. b.
+   7 F   S.s. 7 h. 37 m.
+   8 S   Otway b.
+   9 S   11 S. af. Tr.
+  10 M   C. Keene b.
+  11 Tu  Trin. Sit. c.
+  12 W   Grouse s.b.
+  13 Th  O. Lammas
+  14 F   Ld. Clyde d.
+  15 S   W. Scott b.
+  16 S   12 S. af. Tr.
+  17 M   Ad. Blake d.
+  18 Tu  B. Spurs
+  19 W   Ozontero
+  20 Th  Saragossa
+  21 F   Blck. Ck. s.b.
+  22 S   B. Bosworth
+  23 S   13 S. af. Tr.
+  24 M   S. Bartholo.
+  25 Tu  J. Watt d.
+  26 W   P. Cons. b.
+  27 Th  Thomson d.
+  28 F   B. Leipsic
+  29 S   Jno. Bp. bh.
+  30 S   14 S. af. Tr.
+  31 M   Bunyan d.
+
+
+  SEPTEMBER xxx Days.
+
+   1 Tu  Part. sh. e.
+   2 W   Capit. Sedan
+   3 Th  S.r. 5 h. 17 m.
+   4 F   S.s. 6 h. 39 m.
+   5 S   Comte d.
+   6 S   15 S. af. Tr.
+   7 M   Eunurchus
+   8 Tu  Nat. B.V.M.
+   9 W   B. Flodden
+  10 Th  B. Quesnoy
+  11 F   S. of Delhi
+  12 S   O.P. Riots
+  13 S   16 S. af. Tr.
+  14 M   Holy Cross
+  15 Tu  B. Rajghur
+  16 W   Jas. II. d.
+  17 Th  Lambert
+  18 F   Geo. I. land.
+  19 S   B. Poitiers
+  20 S   17 S. af. Tr.
+  21 M   St. Matth.
+  22 Tu  Virgil d.
+  23 W   Autn. Q. b.
+  24 Th  S. Butler d.
+  25 F   Porson d.
+  26 S   St. Cyprian
+  27 S   18 S. af. Tr.
+  28 M   Nicopolis
+  29 Tu  Mich. Day
+  30 W   St. Jerome
+
+
+  OCTOBER xxxi Days.
+
+   1 Th  Cam. M.T. b.
+   2 F   Arago d.
+   3 S   S.r. 6 h. 6 m.
+   4 S   19 S. af. Tr.
+   5 M   S.s. 5 h. 28 m.
+   6 Tu  Faith
+   7 W   Abp. Laud b.
+   8 Th  B. Actium
+   9 F   St. Denys
+  10 S   Ox. M.T. b.
+  11 S   20 S. af. Tr.
+  12 M   America d.
+  13 Tu  Edw. Conf.
+  14 W   B. Senlac
+  15 Th  Fire Ins. ex.
+  16 F   Soissons t.
+  17 S   Etheldreda
+  18 S   21 S. af. Tr.
+  19 M   Kneller d.
+  20 Tu  B. Navarino
+  21 W   Trafalgar
+  22 Th  B. Edge Hill
+  23 F   Irish Reb.
+  24 S   P. Leigh d.
+  25 S   22 S. af. Tr.
+  26 M   Danton b.
+  27 Tu  Cap. Cook b.
+  28 W   J. Locke d.
+  29 Th  J. Leech d.
+  30 F   Tower brnt.
+  31 S   All Hallows
+
+
+  NOVEMBER xxx Days.
+
+   1 S   23 S. af. Tr.
+   2 M   All Souls
+   3 Tu  Fall of Acre
+   4 W   Will. III. b.
+   5 Th  S.r. 7 h. 3 m.
+   6 F   S.s. 4 h. 23 m.
+   7 S   B. Mooltan
+   8 S   24 S. af. Tr.
+   9 M   P. of Wls. b.
+  10 Tu  M. Luther b.
+  11 W   St. Martin
+  12 Th  Hf. qr. Day
+  13 F   Britius
+  14 S   Leibnitz d.
+  15 S   25 S. af. Tr.
+  16 M   J. Bright b.
+  17 Tu  Hugh Bp. L.
+  18 W   Wilkie b.
+  19 Th  B. Arcola
+  20 F   Ld. Elgin d.
+  21 S   J. Hogg d.
+  22 S   26 S. af. Tr.
+  23 M   St. Clemen.
+  24 Tu  J. Knox d.
+  25 W   Chantrey d.
+  26 Th  G. Grisi d.
+  27 F   De. Teck b.
+  28 S   Bunsen d.
+  29 S   1 S. in Adv.
+  30 M   Burnand b.]
+
+
+  DECEMBER xxxi Days.
+
+   1 Tu  Prs. Wls. b.
+   2 W   B. Austerl.
+   3 Th  Bradbury b.
+   4 F   Richelieu d.
+   5 S   S.r. 7 h. 51 m.
+   6 S   2 S. in Adv.
+   7 M   S.s. 3 h. 50 m.
+   8 Tu  Baxter d.
+   9 W   Vandyke d.
+  10 Th  Milton b.
+  11 F   Jno. Gay d.
+  12 S   Cibber d.
+  13 S   3 S. in Adv.
+  14 M   P. Cons. d.
+  15 Tu  I. Walton d.
+  16 W   V. Weber b.
+  17 Th  Oxf. M.T. e.
+  18 F   D. 7 h. 46 m.
+  19 S   Cam. M.T. e.
+  20 S   4 S. in Adv.
+  21 M   St. Thomas
+  22 Tu  Win. Q. b.
+  23 W   Jas. II. abd.
+  24 Th  Christ. Eve
+  25 F   Christ. Day
+  26 S   Bk. Holiday
+  27 S   Sun. af. Chr.
+  28 M   Innocents
+  29 Tu  Stafford ex.
+  30 W   Pegu anxd.
+  31 Th  Silvester
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.
+
+(_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTER
+TO-MORROW._)
+
+EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.--Reserved gallows seats,
+immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying
+struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession;
+Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas.
+(8.30 A.M.)
+
+TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner.
+Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few
+special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack"
+luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the
+Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play
+during the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in
+their places not later than 10.30.)
+
+GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.--Additional
+Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals
+from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all
+Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.)
+Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution
+Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments
+inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6.30.)
+_Auto-da-Fé_ at 2.30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under
+eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One
+Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies,
+passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.)
+
+PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S
+ROOMS.--Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under
+the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting
+struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.)
+
+BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.--Full Spanish Programme this day.
+Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors
+killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra
+fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL
+SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. to £5 5s. Specially Reserved
+Front Seats for Ladies, £7 7s. (3 P.M., and 8.30.)
+
+IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.--Phonographic
+Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals.
+Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially).
+Reports of Cases tried _in Camerâ_. Private Conversations of parties
+to _Causes Célèbres_, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and
+Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.)
+
+PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.--NOW open daily. Admission by private card
+only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). Two
+Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in
+Special Art Sanctum, £10 10s. (10 till 4 only.)
+
+GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon
+of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a
+Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!!
+Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders
+and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and
+Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence
+at 8.
+
+  Moving in Society at 9!      Great Toilet Scene at 9.30!
+  The Blood-Bath at 10.45!    Death Dance Tableau at 11.5!
+                                  Carriages at 11.10!
+
+Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still
+crowded with the _élite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.
+
+_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en
+route_.
+
+_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at
+Dover. Triumphant progress to London.
+
+_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom
+of the City.
+
+_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and
+unlimited hospitality.
+
+_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations.
+
+_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of
+distinguished conduct.
+
+_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures.
+
+_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which
+now begins to empty.
+
+_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.
+
+_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to
+the papers, and sensational journalism generally.
+
+_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges,
+counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please,
+strongly recommended row.
+
+_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme)
+and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry
+Christmas and a Happy New Year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.
+
+_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia.
+
+_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican.
+
+_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home.
+
+_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa.
+
+_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt.
+
+_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.
+
+_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends
+meet.
+
+_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election.
+
+_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule.
+
+_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics.
+
+_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_.
+
+_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.
+
+_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties,
+and get through his official work.
+
+_And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a
+century.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.--Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT
+contemplate giving another _Matinée_ of that out-of-date play, _The
+Lady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_?
+No extra charge for this suggestion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.--Police Protection to TIM HEALY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY.
+
+    SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs
+    are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all
+    kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while
+    the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded
+    corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in
+    whispers._
+
+_Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_).
+No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide on
+something--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting
+impatient! (_To the Ladies_.) Do come and help; it's really no
+use dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't
+_anybody_ think of a good Word?
+
+_Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the
+same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange,
+and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy!
+
+_Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first.
+Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over
+_there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your
+heads together?
+
+_Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh,
+ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words.
+
+_Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!
+
+    [_They resume their conversation._
+
+_Mr. Wh._ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_
+give us a Word?
+
+_Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think of
+something clever!
+
+_Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so little
+experience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred to
+me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet
+with approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through his
+spectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous."
+
+_Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that?
+
+_Mr. Wh._ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_?
+
+_Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which
+has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ are
+termed--
+
+_Mr. Wh._ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only
+one seed-lobe myself--and then the
+syllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before
+_midnight_, you know!
+
+_Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as a
+suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was
+wrong; no doubt.
+
+_Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. How
+would--er--"_Familiar_" do?
+
+_Mr. Wh._ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footle
+like this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_.
+
+_Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_!
+
+_Mr. Wh._ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge."
+How do you see it yourself?
+
+    [_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see
+    it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop._
+
+_Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_
+"Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_," you know. [_Chorus of applause._
+
+_Mr. Wh._ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS!
+
+_Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that,
+you know, and you said--!
+
+_Mr. Wh._ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it,
+so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud._) How are we
+going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet,
+and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot
+of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the
+Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it.
+
+    [_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat
+    inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by
+    way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn
+    themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more
+    care for appearances._
+
+AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE.
+
+    _The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by
+    faint applause_.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response._)
+You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others.
+You let me do everything!
+
+_Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in!
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now
+then--"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one
+by one, and say you're _ill_--see?
+
+    [_Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a
+    dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet._
+
+_Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with
+the audience--I'm no use _here_!
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential
+butler, and show the patients in.
+
+    [_Mr. W. accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that
+    other people can act as well as he._
+
+AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was no
+necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A
+Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much!
+
+_Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put
+some fun in _somewhere_!
+
+_Mr. P._ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it.
+Nobody laughed.
+
+_Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was
+describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically
+correct--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was
+unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful!
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were
+a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview
+short, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour.
+
+_Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to
+ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to
+them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you
+again.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets
+carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c.,
+&c.--_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_.) Now then--last
+syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and
+all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that
+screamingly funny!
+
+AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all called
+me a liar before I opened my mouth!
+
+_The Rest_.--But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ to
+bring the Word in somehow.
+
+_Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. There
+was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We
+must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again
+(_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't
+understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!
+
+AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.
+
+_General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, or
+Magician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give it
+up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't,
+they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_
+drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed,
+we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_
+well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after it
+all. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear Miss
+ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a
+bit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take?
+
+_Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn't
+wanted, you know.
+
+_Miss Rose_. Not to _act_,--so we stayed outside and--and--arranged
+things.
+
+_An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the
+pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.
+
+_Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ it
+much.
+
+_The O.L._ And which of you settled what the Word was to be?
+
+_Mr. N._ Well, I believe we settled that together.
+
+    [_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not
+    of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON
+    discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the
+    other men, and puts it down to jealousy._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.
+
+We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel
+Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may
+it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the
+bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we
+Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and
+weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I next
+perposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ort
+for to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good deal
+of atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn't
+quite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly,
+was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred
+all about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting
+to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion,
+of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners
+of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause
+a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit
+a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel
+diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed
+in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with
+which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore
+Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin
+the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is
+anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons.
+
+Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the reckless
+ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as how
+as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was to
+hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely
+called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manly
+employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him,
+more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alone
+his boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing with
+his capital voice, his new Song of "_Old Robert the Waiter_" being a
+rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "_Old Simon the
+Cellerer_," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an
+arncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of "_Mynear Van Dunk_," with its
+fine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish.
+
+BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by singing
+his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and we sort our
+seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as his Lordship
+hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the follering
+sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May all the well
+to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus as
+we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and a
+liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly wants it this
+bitter weather." ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.]
+
+MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY JERUM,"
+is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled
+_Told After Supper_. What he wants, that is, what he ought to have
+whether he wants it or not, is judicious editing. Had this process
+been applied to this eccentric haphazardy book, scarcely more than
+a third of it would have been published. "His style, in this book
+at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I say the same of his
+_Three Men in a Tub_, suggests the idea of his writing being the work
+of a young man who, among his companions and admirers, has earned the
+reputation of being a 'deuced funny chap,' and so has to struggle to
+live up to this reputation, or to live it down." JERUMKY JERUM still
+somewhat affects Yankee humour, not, however, in so forced and vulgar
+a manner as in his overpraised _Three Men in a Boat_. Two of the Ghost
+Stories are humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they
+been introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very
+palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's
+night) brought in his story of _Tom Smart_, and of the inimitable
+_Gabriel Grub_, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably
+enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels--sandwich'd in between heavy
+slabs of doughy material--stand a chance of not being tasted. To
+anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, "read about the
+Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and EMILY. The tinted paper on
+which it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurish
+illustrations."
+
+[Illustration: Goblins.]
+
+_WOMAN_--not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"--nor woman who in
+our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But Woman,
+the weekly _Woman_ who is doing uncommonly well and in her fifty-third
+number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea of a Christmas
+dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very good and simple
+dinner it was. The same _Woman_ gave also, among a variety of
+next-day's treatments of Turkey, _Turkey in Aspic_, Turkey in Europe,
+and Turkey in Asia--yes--but what about "Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't
+look well; much better in French. But we dare say it's very good,
+though, for breakfast or supper, "devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat."
+
+I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested me
+muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his writings,
+though I do not remember ever having heard the titles of his works
+mentioned, that, when a neat-looking volume was sent me by Messrs.
+PATERSON & Co. of _Leigh Hunt's Tales_, I anticipated great pleasure
+from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in anticipation. I
+have tried, as the song says, "A little bit here, and a little bit
+there--Here a bit, There a bit, And everywhere a bit,"--but, hang me,
+says the Baron, if I can tackle any one of them. The matter doesn't
+interest me, and the style doesn't fascinate me. This may be rank
+heresy, but I can't help it. I have tried, and failed. Well, better to
+have tried, and failed, than never to have tried at all. But I shan't
+try again,--at least, not on this collection of Tales.
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--A good collection of pictures and
+sculpture--including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, ALFRED
+GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others--is on view at the Royal Arcade
+Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for the benefit of the
+family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young sculptor, who died only a few
+weeks ago. Lots more to say, but you won't stand it, and will probably
+say, "_Par! si bête_!" So no more at present from yours par-entally,
+OLD PAR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.--A Sheriff's Officer: a
+Writ-ualist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FORECAST FOR 1891.
+
+(_BEING SOME EXTRACTS FROM THE GLOOMY OUTLOOKER'S DIARY._)
+
+[Illustration: _Old Sol_. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!"
+
+_Mr. P._ "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"]
+
+_January_.--Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London
+"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, the
+fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15s. Milk, 10s. the
+half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to secure
+the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out the
+Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of coals.
+The Three per Cents go down to 35.
+
+_February_.--Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis
+makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, crosses
+Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large centre
+terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a mile in
+Piccadilly.
+
+_March_.--Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played
+at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking
+Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are
+carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital.
+
+_April_.--Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large
+metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen
+waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire
+brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish
+the flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the
+holders of gas shares.
+
+_May_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute stage. The
+"Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" being patted on
+the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, and seize the
+Stock Exchange and the Mansion House.
+
+_June_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter
+stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of
+England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation
+to celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in
+returning thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the
+takings" of their hosts must have been "enormous."
+
+_July_.--Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. Triumphant
+return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed themselves
+immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to having another
+innings at "the way out."
+
+_August_.--The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to
+stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the
+hundred-ton guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a
+shell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but,
+bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of
+a letter in the _Times_ from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the
+matter will be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department.
+
+_September_.--A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several Hotchkiss
+guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, exceed the known
+figures of any previous _battue_ to such an extent that birds sell
+in Bond Street at _3d_. a brace, with the result that the whole of
+Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the next seven
+years.
+
+_October_.--The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to be got
+anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food"
+crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bring
+up their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill them
+professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with
+gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, for which proceedings
+they are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for the
+Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
+
+_November_.--The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several
+Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their
+immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a
+very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public.
+
+_December_.--First signs of a probable second edition of a "good
+old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence.
+Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only
+frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891
+terminates in gloomy despair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWIN AND ANGELINA.
+
+(_ONE MORE VERSION._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I beg of you to hear my tale of woe,
+  My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know;
+  How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted,
+  And I am left to shed a tear--alone, and broken-hearted.
+
+  We were engaged for eighteen months--he often said that life
+  Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife.
+  My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle,"
+  He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle!
+
+  I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea--
+  She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me.
+  I thought him quite a model youth--hard-working, loyal, steady,
+  A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.",
+
+  Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known
+  Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own."
+  It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely,
+  Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only."
+
+  The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm,
+  I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm;
+  So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever,
+  But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever."
+
+  He only called me darling once! how different from before!
+  Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)?
+  And was he tired of me--the girl he loved so fondly, dearly?
+  It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely."
+
+  Yes--was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove?
+  You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love!
+  I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly,
+  That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely."
+
+  Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast
+  Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best;
+  And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly,
+  But it _was_ more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly."
+
+  The truth was clear--I quickly sent him back his lovely _cartes_,
+  His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts.
+  I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried--
+  And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married.
+
+  So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know,
+  You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go.
+  And if you know, dear _Mr. Punch_, a husband, say you've seen a
+  Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is
+
+  ANGELINA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?--Under the beneficent influence
+of the early coal dews--subsequently spelt coal dues--which have
+existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan Improvements
+have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks to ignorant, but
+well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues being abolished, up
+goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there is no surplus
+for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of coal dues were
+considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, "Hard times, come
+again once more!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIG-STICKING.
+
+_Little Prigson_. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST
+OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS SISTAH'S _QUITE_ THE
+NICEST GIRL I EVER MET."
+
+_Aunt Eliza_. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU _MIGHT_ HAVE
+HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF
+_PRESENT COMPANY_!"
+
+_Cousin Maud_. "YES; IN _BOTH_ CASES, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
+
+_Mr. Punch, loquitur_:--
+
+  A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy,
+    Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily,
+  'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy,
+      At least, you're beginning most merrily.
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  You make a good start, anyhow.
+    With a kiss from the lips that can never betray,
+    There's many a girl would be greeted _that_ way!
+
+  You're welcome, my lad! It is _Punch's_ old style
+    To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers;
+  In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile,
+      _His_ warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers!
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow.
+    He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl,
+    Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul.
+
+  _Sursum corda_! That motto's the best of the bunch;
+    Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker.
+  Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from _Punch_,
+      Never helped one in heart or exchequer,
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  You cannot do better, I vow,
+    Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule,
+    As your very first tip in your very first school.
+
+  Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad?
+    And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus,
+  Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad.
+      How well the Venusian knows us!
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  _He_ never kissed maid, but somehow
+    Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine
+    With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine.
+
+  No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch,
+    (Though sometimes my _bâton_ must play--on rogues' shoulders.)
+  Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch
+      By Orbilian smiters and scolders.
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  A kiss is best treatment, I trow.
+    A salute from the lips of your _Punch_ you'll not spurn,
+    And the young guests around you shall each take a turn.
+
+  The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear,
+    There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon,
+  But--well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year
+      As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on.
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  You look mighty kissable--now.
+    So here goes another, for luck like, my dear,
+    As we wish everybody A Happy New Year!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD MORALITY'S CHRISTMAS CARD AND NEW YEAR WISHES.
+
+This communication is designed to convey the expression of the wish
+that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those not
+distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed a season
+of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve months,
+upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with Happiness.
+(_Signed_) W.H.S.
+
+_Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve_, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the title and
+name of BISHOP KING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE."
+
+"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I propose to make a few
+additions to my usual forensic costume."--_Extract from a Letter of
+Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
+
+To a Friend,
+
+  Do you remember how we sat,
+    We two, in this same room together
+  Last year, and talked of this and that,
+    And warmed our toes and cursed the weather?
+
+  And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud
+    (We both smoked briars, I remember),
+  And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed
+    To do or die ere next December?
+
+  We spoke without respect of BEN,
+    BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly;
+  _Now_ BEN bamboozles jurymen,
+    And makes his thousand guineas yearly.
+
+  We both despised the wretched JOE,
+    My fag at school, your butt at College.
+  Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow,
+    Choked with absurdly useful knowledge.
+
+  Yet JOE assists to give us laws,
+    Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form,
+  'Midst empty thunders of applause,
+    Erect on many a Tory platform.
+
+  And poor, inconsequential JACK,
+    His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's,
+  Has married money, keeps a hack,
+    And has a big account at COUTTS's.
+
+  TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square,
+    And DICK is noted for his dinners--
+  Life is a race, but was it fair,
+    We asked, that _these_ should be the winners?
+
+  We, too, would win; and Heaven knows
+    What vows we uttered fiery-hearted,
+  While '89 drew to its close,
+    And '90 found us--so we parted.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  And here, good lack, while '90 wanes,
+    Our candles flaring in their sockets,
+  We sit once more and count our gains--
+    Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets.
+
+  Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends;
+    Men prate of wealth in empty words, I
+  Sit here content as '90 ends.
+    And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ADVERTISERS.
+
+SEASONABLE.
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating and explosive Stimulant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal Restorer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping baby instantly flying out of the
+cradle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid Grandfather suddenly mount to the
+fifth storey by leaps and bounds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate influenza.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache into delirium.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows up the brain tissues.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole household on the sneeze.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever in the Infant School.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the Hippopotamus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief Justice off the Bench.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the dentist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop dancing a break-down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher into a Lunatic Asylum.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising Politician.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation of the Prime Minister.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler cab-horse win the Derby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor for Practical Jokers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely relied on by Master TOMMY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into the Soup at a dinner-party, will
+lead to a serious riot in the dining-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in a sandwich, will choke an Uncle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general disorganiser of every Household.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--A Pinch will thoroughly banish sleep for a whole
+fortnight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--"An Octogenarian Consumer" writes:--"I was in a
+comatose condition for twenty years, when I came across your Pepper.
+I had scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my arm-chair, and have
+danced a continual fandango ever since. I carry it loose in all my
+pockets, and scatter it on all my friends whenever I meet them. This
+has got me kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I do not in the
+least mind. I'm as merry and as mad as a March hare--and your Pepper
+has done it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--The Proprietors beg to inform their Friends and
+Patrons that they can supply this highly combustible and explosive
+compound in felt safety cases, carefully packed at their bomb-proof
+establishment in Barking Marshes, at the usual retail prices, viz.,
+1s. 1-1/2d., 2s. 9d., 11s., 21s., and 31s. 6d., &c, &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY.
+
+[Illustration: Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.]
+
+Dear Mr. Punch,--I venture to address you on a subject that I feel
+sure will enlist your kind attention and sympathy. How am I to get
+through Yule Tide? Ought I to give up the dispatch of "cards," or
+ought I to send them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances?
+If I drop the custom, people who like me will think I am outting them,
+and persons with whom I am less popular will imagine that economy,
+not to say meanness, is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post
+Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense," and _do_ send the cards.
+Well, I am in this position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty
+to get a suitable greeting to all those who receive my annual
+benediction. If I have "Wishing you and yours every happiness," with
+my appended name and address lithographed, the greeting seems cold,
+and even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a favourite Maiden Aunt;
+and unduly familiar if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for the
+first time in my life the day before yesterday. Then if I trust to the
+ordinary Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at a loss to select
+an appropriate recipient for a nestful of owls, or the picture of
+a Clown touching up an elderly gentleman of highly respectable
+appearance with a red-hot poker! If I get a representation of
+flowers, the chances are ten to one that the accompanying lines are
+of a compromising character. It is obviously cruel to send to a
+recently-widowed Uncle some verses about "_Darby and Joan_," and my
+Mother-in-law is not likely to feel complimented if I forward to her a
+poetically expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter place than
+her own home--away, of course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these
+are the problems that meet the would-be Yule Tide card distributer at
+every turn! I remain, my dear _Mr. Punch_, yours sincerely,
+
+ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW.
+
+P.S.--If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed the
+postal arrangements.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UNITED SERVICE DIARY FOR 1891.
+
+[Illustration: Extremes Meet.]
+
+_January to March_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.
+
+_April to June_.--Soldiers at play. Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.
+
+_July to September_.--Soldiers at sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors at
+play (_ditto_). Civil Servants away (_ditto_).
+
+_October to December_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil
+Servants reading the morning paper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE LATEST STYLE.
+
+(_BY OUR INTREPID INTERVIEWER._)
+
+Feeling that your readers would be interested in learning Mr. CHOSE's
+own view of the unpleasant affair, I called upon the distinguished
+Arctic Explorer just as he was sitting down to breakfast.
+
+"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I asked, "that you stole the
+umbrellas?"
+
+The face of the warrior flushed angrily, for a moment, and then
+regaining his composure, he replied that he could not see the point of
+possessing himself of articles that would be absolutely valueless in
+those extremely northern latitudes.
+
+"That is not the question," I persisted. "I am sure you will forgive
+me, when you remember that I speak in the name of the Public; but what
+I want, and what they want to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas?
+Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No."
+
+"I don't see what either you or they have to do with it," replied
+the Arctic Explorer, cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a
+matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do with any of the luggage
+of the expedition. So, if it is said, that I walked about with a
+shower-protector that was not my own, you can value the story for what
+it is worth. Why, on the very face of it, the report is ridiculous!"
+
+"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the world is uncharitable. However,
+Mr. CHOSE, perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your friend and
+colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted an aged Esquimaux into what he termed
+Iced Greenlander?"
+
+'I have heard the story, certainly; but cannot say whether it is
+true or not. When the incident is alleged to have happened, I was in
+another part of the country, having been sent there to change novels
+at the local circulating library."
+
+"But would you say it was probable?"
+
+"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, chivalrous, merry,
+gladsome, gallant young fellow. He was the soul of honour. Why," he
+added, with deep emotion, "I have left as much as fourpence in coppers
+on a mantel-piece alone with him, and on my return nave found every
+halfpenny of the money untouched!"
+
+"Then do you not think he pushed the old man into the
+sausage-machine?"
+
+"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, or to win a
+wager, or perhaps as practical joke. That he would do anything open
+to censure at the hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely
+incredible. Why, he is a Loamshire man!"
+
+"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have finished
+your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. Is it
+true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, stifled
+your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?"
+
+The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said
+something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated.
+
+"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking
+pockets? And when it is said that you were turned out of a Club for
+cheating at cards--"
+
+But at this point I was assisted to take my leave with so much
+abruptness, that I was forced to leave my last question but partially
+formulated. On finding myself once more in the street, I noticed that
+I was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however,
+my hat was thrown after me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET.
+
+[Illustration: HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO
+SHAKSPEARE.]
+
+"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!"
+
+_Note_.--Shakespeare was the originator of the aesthetic expression
+"Too, too."
+
+[Illustration: _Queen_. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br /> Here,
+Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POLITICS UP TO DATE.
+
+(_SPECIMEN LEADER FROM AN IRISH PAPER IN A CHRONIC STATE OF
+REVOLUTION._)
+
+WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.--We appear this morning awaiting the future with
+confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal
+on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the
+enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours
+of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may
+arrive when this policy may be reversed. The hour may come--
+
+10 A.M.--It has! We have much pleasure in informing our readers that,
+after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), we
+have conquered. This paper is in our hands, and henceforward we shall
+support, to the best of our ability, the Leader of the Party, and
+denounce the infamous pretensions of his opponents; still, it would
+be unwise to ignore the possibilities of the future. We may be
+overpowered by a tyrannical majority. The time may come--
+
+11 A.M.--It has! Hurroo! It was hard fighting to get back; but here
+we are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents.
+For the moment we are victorious, but who shall prophesy what may be
+looming in the distant ages? The hour may come--
+
+12 NOON.--It has! And now that we have again taken possession, we
+must say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs were
+flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions,
+and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row
+entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, and
+his opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be
+foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come--
+
+1 P.M.--It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have just
+slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-pots
+flew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we make
+our remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happening
+hereafter. The hour may come--
+
+2 P.M.--It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys!
+This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--we
+mean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo!
+
+    [_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not
+    otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else
+    starts a rival and "suppressed" edition._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.
+
+_January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was
+created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the
+Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this
+out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away
+if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock
+teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours
+of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On
+the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of
+PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to
+SHERIDAN.
+
+_February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival.
+Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This
+said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical
+luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary
+missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This
+capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they
+laugh until the end of the month.
+
+_March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you
+take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a
+jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the
+turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a
+hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe
+"1801?--the year of my birth!"
+
+_April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_
+Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the
+_Times_.
+
+_May_.--You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty
+date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and
+explain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's
+Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit
+a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebrated
+songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles from
+London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps
+venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like
+"lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expect
+any one to laugh.
+
+_June_.--The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and
+there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's
+Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" are
+few and far between, according to WHITAKER.
+
+_July_.--Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is
+also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the
+victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause merriment
+amongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desert
+islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On the 24th the Window
+Tax was abolished, of which you may say that although a priceless boon
+it was only a _light_ relief. If you can only introduce this really
+clever _bon mot_ into a speech at a wedding breakfast, a railway
+indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure
+to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in
+founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement
+is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be
+tolerated in a mourning coach.
+
+_August_.--On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves
+were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they
+husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a
+clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the
+Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up of an
+infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to
+which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be
+appropriately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." This will be
+found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary
+Royal Academician living in retirement.
+
+_September_.--On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences.
+Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without
+loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord
+Chancellor born in 1825--the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-_bury_.
+A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay
+time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly
+called "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may
+possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or
+the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial
+hospitality at five o'clock tea.
+
+_October_.--FIELDING, the novelist, _bowled out_ on the 8th in
+1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th--an awful example to habitual
+drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story
+about the Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot _peasants_ instead!
+This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians who
+have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.
+
+[Illustration: ALWAYS ENTERTAINING;
+
+OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!]
+
+_November_.--Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs about
+having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take the
+chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. Lord Mayor's Day on
+the 9th--opportunity for letting off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000
+a Mayor's Nest-egg," &c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular--the
+infliction is too serious for jocularity!
+
+_December_.--Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that most
+melancholy of persons "the funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reaches
+the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two!
+With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a
+Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPROPRIATE.--Sir,--Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal
+case than appeared in the _Times_ Law Report, December 20th, and which
+was entitled "_The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre_ v. _The Justices
+of Lancashire_?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a _Bab
+Ballad_ in a Pantomime.
+
+  _Solo_. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor
+  _Chorus_. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee;
+  _Solo_. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare,
+  _Chorus_. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee.
+
+Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be
+serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100., January 3, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 12860-8.txt or 12860-8.zip *****
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+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+  <title>Punch, January 3, 1891.</title>
+
+  <style type="text/css">
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+
+  .note
+  {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
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+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
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+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.,
+January 3, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., January 3, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 9, 2004 [EBook #12860]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>January 3, 1891.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/1.png" alt="CALENDAR" /></a></div>
+
+
+<table summary="Calendar" align="center" border="1">
+
+<tr><td valign="top"><small>JANUARY xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>FEBRUARY xxviii Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>MARCH xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>APRIL xxx Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>MAY xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>JUNE xxx Days.</small></td>
+
+
+</tr>
+
+<tr><td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 Th  N. Year's D.<br />
+
+ 2 F   Abydos t.<br />
+
+ 3 S   L. Hunt b.<br />
+
+ 4 S   2 S. af. Chr.<br />
+
+ 5 M   Sambourne]<br />
+
+ 6 T   Epiphany<br />
+
+ 7 W   Bp. Ely d.<br />
+
+ 8 Th  Cam. L.T.b.<br />
+
+ 9 F   S.r. 8h. 6m.<br />
+
+10 S   S.s. 4h. 10m.<br />
+
+11 S   1 S. af. Epip.<br />
+
+12 M   Hil. Sit. b.<br />
+
+13 Tu  B. Cannæ<br />
+
+14 W   Oxf. L.T. b.<br />
+
+15 Th  Orsini plot<br />
+
+16 F   B. Corunna<br />
+
+17 S   Franklin b.<br />
+
+18 S   2 S. af. Epip.<br />
+
+19 M   Watt b.<br />
+
+20 Tu  Fabian<br />
+
+21 W   Agnes<br />
+
+22 Th  Vincent<br />
+
+23 F   Pitt d. 1806<br />
+
+24 S   Fox b. 1749<br />
+
+25 S   Septuag. S.<br />
+
+26 M   Brazil disc.<br />
+
+27 Tu  J. Gibson d.<br />
+
+28 W   Prescott d.<br />
+
+29 Th  Capit. Paris<br />
+
+30 F   Chas. I. bhd.<br />
+
+31 S   B. Jonson b.<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 S   Sexages. S.<br />
+
+ 2 M   B. Lincoln<br />
+
+ 3 Tu  Bassevi d.<br />
+
+ 4 W   S.r. 7h. 36m.<br />
+
+ 5 Th  Galvani d.<br />
+
+ 6 F   S.s. 4h. 56m.<br />
+
+ 7 S   Dickens b.<br />
+
+ 8 S   Quinqu. S.<br />
+
+ 9 M   Darnley m.<br />
+
+10 Tu  Q.V. marr.<br />
+
+11 W   Ash. Wed.<br />
+
+12 Th  Cellini d.<br />
+
+13 F   Revol. 1688<br />
+
+14 S   Valentine<br />
+
+15 S   1 S. in Lent.<br />
+
+16 M   Burke exe.<br />
+
+17 Tu  Braham d.<br />
+
+18 W   Luther d.<br />
+
+19 Th  Copernic. b.<br />
+
+20 F   J. Hume d.<br />
+
+21 S   Trinidad t.<br />
+
+22 S   2 S. in Lent<br />
+
+23 M   S. Brookes d.<br />
+
+24 Tu  Matthias<br />
+
+25 W   Wren d.<br />
+
+26 Th  T. Moore d.<br />
+
+27 F   Benevento<br />
+
+28 S   J. Tenniel<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 S   3 S. in Lent<br />
+
+ 2 M   Wesley d.<br />
+
+ 3 Tu  B. Merton<br />
+
+ 4 W   Somers b.<br />
+
+ 5 Th  S.r. 6h. 39m.<br />
+
+ 6 F   Du Maurier<br />
+
+ 7 S   S.s. 5h. 48m.<br />
+
+ 8 S   4 S. in Lent<br />
+
+ 9 M   Cobbett b.<br />
+
+10 Tu  Schiller b.<br />
+
+11 W   Inc. T. imp.<br />
+
+12 Th  Gregory<br />
+
+13 F   Talfourd d.<br />
+
+14 S   Byng shot<br />
+
+15 S   5 S. in Lent<br />
+
+16 M   Dr. Kent d.<br />
+
+17 Tu  St. Patrick<br />
+
+18 W   Suez cnl. op.<br />
+
+19 Th  Lucknow t.<br />
+
+20 F   B. Alexand.<br />
+
+21 S   Benedict<br />
+
+22 S   Palm S.<br />
+
+23 M   Nat. Gal. f.<br />
+
+24 Tu  Q. Eliz. d.<br />
+
+25 W   Lady Day<br />
+
+26 Th  D. Camb. b.<br />
+
+27 F   Good Frid.<br />
+
+28 S   Cateau<br />
+
+29 S   East. Sun.<br />
+
+30 M   Bk. Holiday<br />
+
+31 Tu  Haydn b.<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 W   All Fools<br />
+
+ 2 Th  S.r. 5h. 35m.<br />
+
+ 3 F   S.s. 6h. 34m.<br />
+
+ 4 S   Ambrose bp.<br />
+
+ 5 S   Low Sun.<br />
+
+ 6 M   O. Lady-Day<br />
+
+ 7 Tu  Pr. Leop. b.<br />
+
+ 8 W   B. Savona<br />
+
+ 9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.<br />
+
+10 F   Cam. E.T. b.<br />
+
+11 S   Canning d.<br />
+
+12 S   2 S. af. Eas.<br />
+
+13 M   Handel d.<br />
+
+14 Tu  Prs. Beatr. b.<br />
+
+15 W   S. Maron.<br />
+
+16 Th  Thiers b.<br />
+
+17 F   B. Culloden<br />
+
+18 S   Graunt d.<br />
+
+19 S   3 S. af. Eas.<br />
+
+20 M   Spa. fl. des.<br />
+
+21 Tu  Bp. Heber b.<br />
+
+22 W   Odessa bom.<br />
+
+23 Th  St. George<br />
+
+24 F   B. Landrec.<br />
+
+25 S   Prs. Alice b.<br />
+
+26 S   4 S. af. Eas.<br />
+
+27 M   Gibbon b.<br />
+
+28 Tu  B. Tours<br />
+
+29 W   S. Cath. S.<br />
+
+30 Th  Fitzroy d.<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 F   May Day<br />
+
+ 2 S   S.r. 4h. 32m.<br />
+
+ 3 S   Rogation S.<br />
+
+ 4 M   Sering. tkn.<br />
+
+ 5 Tu  S.s. 7h. 27m.<br />
+
+ 6 W   John Evan.<br />
+
+ 7 Th  Holy Thurs.<br />
+
+ 8 F   Le Sage b.<br />
+
+ 9 S   Hf. qr. Day<br />
+
+10 S   S. af. Ascen.<br />
+
+11 M   Chatham d.<br />
+
+12 Tu  Albt. Mem. c.<br />
+
+13 W   O. May Day<br />
+
+14 Th  Gratton d.<br />
+
+15 F   O'Connell d.<br />
+
+16 S   B. Albuera<br />
+
+17 S   Whit Sun.<br />
+
+18 M   Bk. Holiday<br />
+
+19 Tu  Dunstan<br />
+
+20 W   Columbus d.<br />
+
+21 Th  Cawnpore<br />
+
+22 F   Dasent b.<br />
+
+23 S   M. Lemon d.<br />
+
+24 S   Trin. Sun.<br />
+
+25 M   Pr. Hel. b.<br />
+
+26 Tu  Augustine<br />
+
+27 W   Ven. Bede<br />
+
+28 Th  Corp. Christ.<br />
+
+29 F   Chas. II. res.<br />
+
+30 S   Pope d.<br />
+
+31 S   1 Sn. af. Tr.<br /></small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 M   Nicomede<br />
+
+ 2 Tu  Harvey b.<br />
+
+ 3 W   S.r. 3h. 50m.<br />
+
+ 4 Th  S.s. 8h. 7m.<br />
+
+ 5 F   Weber d.<br />
+
+ 6 S   Calpee tkn.<br />
+
+ 7 S   2 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 8 M   D. Jerrold d.<br />
+
+ 9 Tu  Paxton d.<br />
+
+10 W   Heilsberg<br />
+
+11 Th  Barnabas<br />
+
+12 F   B. Wilton<br />
+
+13 S   Hastgs. bhd.<br />
+
+14 S   3 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+15 M   Mag. Charta<br />
+
+16 Tu  Wat Tyl. sl.<br />
+
+17 W   St. Alban<br />
+
+18 Th  Waterloo<br />
+
+19 F   B. Wavres<br />
+
+20 S   Q. Vic. Ac.<br />
+
+21 S   4 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+22 M   B. Pered<br />
+
+23 Tu  B. Plassy<br />
+
+24 W   Midsm. D.<br />
+
+25 Th  B. Altivia<br />
+
+26 F   Geo. IV. d.<br />
+
+27 S   Cairo tkn.<br />
+
+28 S   5 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+29 M   St. Peter<br />
+
+30 Tu  Roscoe d.</small></td></tr>
+
+
+
+<tr><td valign="top"><small>JULY xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>AUGUST xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>SEPTEMBER xxx Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>OCTOBER xxxi Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>NOVEMBER xxx Days.</small></td>
+<td valign="top"><small>DECEMBER xxxi Days.</small></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr><td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 W   B. Boyne<br />
+
+ 2 Th  S.r. 3h. 50m.<br />
+
+ 3 F   B. Sadowa<br />
+
+ 4 S   S.s. 8h. 17m.<br />
+
+ 5 S   6 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 6 M   Old Mid. D.<br />
+
+ 7 Tu  J. Huss bt.<br />
+
+ 8 W   A. Smith d.<br />
+
+ 9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.<br />
+
+10 F   Bp. Fell d.<br />
+
+11 S   B. Ouden<br />
+
+12 S   7 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+13 M   D. Orleans d.<br />
+
+14 Tu  Bastile des.<br />
+
+15 W   St. Swithin<br />
+
+16 Th  Beranger d.<br />
+
+17 F   Punch b. '41<br />
+
+18 S   Sherlock d.<br />
+
+19 S   8 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+20 M   Margaret<br />
+
+21 Tu  R. Burns d.<br />
+
+22 W   Salamanca<br />
+
+23 Th  Lyonet b.<br />
+
+24 F   Gibral. tkn.<br />
+
+25 S   St. James<br />
+
+26 S   9 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+27 M   Talavera<br />
+
+28 Tu  Robesp. exe.<br />
+
+29 W   B. Beylau<br />
+
+30 Th  W. Penn d.<br />
+
+31 F   E. Pease d.</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 S   Lammas<br />
+
+ 2 S   10 Sn. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 3 M   Bk. Holiday<br />
+
+ 4 Tu  Oystr. Sea. c.<br />
+
+ 5 W   S.r. 4h. 31m.<br />
+
+ 6 Th  Dk. Edn. b.<br />
+
+ 7 F   S.s. 7h. 37m.<br />
+
+ 8 S   Otway b.<br />
+
+ 9 S   11 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+10 M   C. Keene b.<br />
+
+11 Tu  Trin. Sit. c.<br />
+
+12 W   Grouse s.b.<br />
+
+13 Th  O. Lammas<br />
+
+14 F   Ld. Clyde d.<br />
+
+15 S   W. Scott b.<br />
+
+16 S   12 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+17 M   Ad. Blake d.<br />
+
+18 Tu  B. Spurs<br />
+
+19 W   Ozontero<br />
+
+20 Th  Saragossa<br />
+
+21 F   Blck. Ck. s.b.<br />
+
+22 S   B. Bosworth<br />
+
+23 S   13 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+24 M   S. Bartholo.<br />
+
+25 Tu  J. Watt d.<br />
+
+26 W   P. Cons. b.<br />
+
+27 Th  Thomson d.<br />
+
+28 F   B. Leipsic<br />
+
+29 S   Jno. Bp. bh.<br />
+
+30 S   14 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+31 M   Bunyan d.</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 Tu  Part. sh. e.<br />
+
+ 2 W   Capit. Sedan<br />
+
+ 3 Th  S.r. 5 h. 17 m.<br />
+
+ 4 F   S.s. 6 h. 39 m.<br />
+
+ 5 S   Comte d.<br />
+
+ 6 S   15 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 7 M   Eunurchus<br />
+
+ 8 Tu  Nat. B.V.M.<br />
+
+ 9 W   B. Flodden<br />
+
+10 Th  B. Quesnoy<br />
+
+11 F   S. of Delhi<br />
+
+12 S   O.P. Riots<br />
+
+13 S   16 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+14 M   Holy Cross<br />
+
+15 Tu  B. Rajghur<br />
+
+16 W   Jas. II. d.<br />
+
+17 Th  Lambert<br />
+
+18 F   Geo. I. land.<br />
+
+19 S   B. Poitiers<br />
+
+20 S   17 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+21 M   St. Matth.<br />
+
+22 Tu  Virgil d.<br />
+
+23 W   Autn. Q. b.<br />
+
+24 Th  S. Butler d.<br />
+
+25 F   Porson d.<br />
+
+26 S   St. Cyprian<br />
+
+27 S   18 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+28 M   Nicopolis<br />
+
+29 Tu  Mich. Day<br />
+
+30 W   St. Jerome</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 Th  Cam. M.T. b.<br />
+
+ 2 F   Arago d.<br />
+
+ 3 S   S.r. 6 h. 6 m.<br />
+
+ 4 S   19 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 5 M   S.s. 5 h. 28 m.<br />
+
+ 6 Tu  Faith<br />
+
+ 7 W   Abp. Laud b.<br />
+
+ 8 Th  B. Actium<br />
+
+ 9 F   St. Denys<br />
+
+10 S   Ox. M.T. b.<br />
+
+11 S   20 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+12 M   America d.<br />
+
+13 Tu  Edw. Conf.<br />
+
+14 W   B. Senlac<br />
+
+15 Th  Fire Ins. ex.<br />
+
+16 F   Soissons t.<br />
+
+17 S   Etheldreda<br />
+
+18 S   21 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+19 M   Kneller d.<br />
+
+20 Tu  B. Navarino<br />
+
+21 W   Trafalgar<br />
+
+22 Th  B. Edge Hill<br />
+
+23 F   Irish Reb.<br />
+
+24 S   P. Leigh d.<br />
+
+25 S   22 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+26 M   Danton b.<br />
+
+27 Tu  Cap. Cook b.<br />
+
+28 W   J. Locke d.<br />
+
+29 Th  J. Leech d.<br />
+
+30 F   Tower brnt.<br />
+
+31 S   All Hallows</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 S   23 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 2 M   All Souls<br />
+
+ 3 Tu  Fall of Acre<br />
+
+ 4 W   Will. III. b.<br />
+
+ 5 Th  S.r. 7h. 3m.<br />
+
+ 6 F   S.s. 4h. 23m.<br />
+
+ 7 S   B. Mooltan<br />
+
+ 8 S   24 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+ 9 M   P. of Wls. b.<br />
+
+10 Tu  M. Luther b.<br />
+
+11 W   St. Martin<br />
+
+12 Th  Hf. qr. Day<br />
+
+13 F   Britius<br />
+
+14 S   Leibnitz d.<br />
+
+15 S   25 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+16 M   J. Bright b.<br />
+
+17 Tu  Hugh Bp. L.<br />
+
+18 W   Wilkie b.<br />
+
+19 Th  B. Arcola<br />
+
+20 F   Ld. Elgin d.<br />
+
+21 S   J. Hogg d.<br />
+
+22 S   26 S. af. Tr.<br />
+
+23 M   St. Clemen.<br />
+
+24 Tu  J. Knox d.<br />
+
+25 W   Chantrey d.<br />
+
+26 Th  G. Grisi d.<br />
+
+27 F   De. Teck b.<br />
+
+28 S   Bunsen d.<br />
+
+29 S   1 S. in Adv.<br />
+
+30 M   Burnand b.]</small></td>
+
+<td valign="top"><small>
+
+ 1 Tu  Prs. Wls. b.<br />
+
+ 2 W   B. Austerl.<br />
+
+ 3 Th  Bradbury b.<br />
+
+ 4 F   Richelieu d.<br />
+
+ 5 S   S.r. 7h. 51m.<br />
+
+ 6 S   2 S. in Adv.<br />
+
+ 7 M   S.s. 3h. 50m.<br />
+
+ 8 Tu  Baxter d.<br />
+
+ 9 W   Vandyke d.<br />
+
+10 Th  Milton b.<br />
+
+11 F   Jno. Gay d.<br />
+
+12 S   Cibber d.<br />
+
+13 S   3 S. in Adv.<br />
+
+14 M   P. Cons. d.<br />
+
+15 Tu  I. Walton d.<br />
+
+16 W   V. Weber b.<br />
+
+17 Th  Oxf. M.T. e.<br />
+
+18 F   D. 7 h. 46 m.<br />
+
+19 S   Cam. M.T. e.<br />
+
+20 S   4 S. in Adv.<br />
+
+21 M   St. Thomas<br />
+
+22 Tu  Win. Q. b.<br />
+
+23 W   Jas. II. abd.<br />
+
+24 Th  Christ. Eve<br />
+
+25 F   Christ. Day<br />
+
+26 S   Bk. Holiday<br />
+
+27 S   Sun. af. Chr.<br />
+
+28 M   Innocents<br />
+
+29 Tu  Stafford ex.<br />
+
+30 W   Pegu anxd.<br />
+
+31 Th  Silvester</small></td></tr>
+
+</table>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span>
+
+<h2>TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>As they will probably be advertised in the Press of the day after
+to-morrow.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.&mdash;Reserved
+gallows seats, immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear
+view of the dying struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's
+last confession; Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's,
+ditto, three guineas. (8.30 A.M.)</p>
+
+<p>TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner.
+Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense
+excitement. A few special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable
+(including "snack" luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding
+front view of the Judge when summing-up, and close sight
+of the prisoner's facial play during the passing of sentence, &amp;c,
+(11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in their places not later than 10.30.)</p>
+
+<p>GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.&mdash;Additional
+Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great
+criminals from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital
+Punishments in all Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations
+(3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture
+Chamber in full work. Grand Execution Tableaux,
+in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments
+inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &amp;c., &amp;c.
+(3 o'clock and 6.30.) <i>Auto-da-Fé</i> at 2.30 and 7.
+Admission One Shilling. Children under
+eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats
+(inclusive of all Shows) One Guinea.
+Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand
+persons, chiefly Ladies, passed the
+turnstiles last Wednesday.)</p>
+
+<p>PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION
+AT THE SENSATIONAL
+SURGICAL SOCIETY'S ROOMS.&mdash;Exhibition
+of the droll
+effects of Curari upon
+subjects under the knife,
+and the actual cautery.
+No annoying noise, or
+disconcerting struggles!
+Bulgarian Band will
+play Popular Pieces.
+(3 P.M.)</p>
+
+<p>BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.&mdash;Full
+Spanish Programme this
+day. Absolutely no restrictions!
+Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors killed last
+week, and seven seriously
+injured. No deception!
+Extra fierce bulls to-day, and consequent
+prospect of
+HIGHLY SENSATIONAL SCENES IN THE
+ARENA!!! Admission,
+1<i>s.</i> to £5 5<i>s.</i> Specially
+Reserved Front Seats for
+Ladies, £7 7<i>s.</i> (3 P.M., and 8.30.)</p>
+
+<p>IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.&mdash;Phonographic
+Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of
+Criminals. Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial
+(Women especially). Reports of Cases tried <i>in Camerâ</i>. Private
+Conversations of parties to <i>Causes Célèbres</i>, &amp;c., &amp;c., &amp;c. Highly
+realistic revelations, and Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission,
+Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.)</p>
+
+<p>PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.&mdash;NOW open daily. Admission
+by private card only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is
+compulsory). Two Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction
+of pictures in Special Art Sanctum, £10 10<i>s.</i> (10 till 4 only.)</p>
+
+<p>GHOUL THEATRE.&mdash;<i>The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or,
+The Demon of Dahomey</i>! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in
+Five Acts, and a Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet!
+The Torture!! The Tub!!! Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed
+Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders and Side-splitting Suicides!
+Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and Tremendous Thrills of
+Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence at 8.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Moving in Society at 9!      Great Toilet Scene at 9.30!</p>
+<p>The Blood-Bath at 10.45!    Death Dance Tableau at 11.5!</p>
+<p class="i10">                      Carriages at 11.10!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and
+still crowded with the <i>élite</i> of Fashion! Be in time!!!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/2.png" alt="LITERARY STARS." /></a><h3>"LITERARY STARS."</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.</h2>
+
+<p><i>January</i>.&mdash;Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception
+<i>en route</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>February</i>.&mdash;Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at
+Dover. Triumphant progress to London.</p>
+
+<p><i>March</i>.&mdash;Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the
+Freedom of the City.</p>
+
+<p><i>April</i>.&mdash;Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers
+on every side, and unlimited hospitality.</p>
+
+<p><i>May</i>.&mdash;Lion of the London Season. Hundreds
+of nightly invitations.</p>
+
+<p><i>June</i>.&mdash;Gaiety from morning to night. Universal
+recognition of distinguished conduct.</p>
+
+<p><i>July</i>.&mdash;Phenomenal success of book of travels
+and adventures.</p>
+
+<p><i>August</i>.&mdash;Popularity at its height everywhere,
+save in town, which now begins to empty.</p>
+
+<p><i>September</i>.&mdash;Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.</p>
+
+<p><i>October</i>.&mdash;Unpleasantness on the increase.
+Interviewing, letters to the papers, and sensational
+journalism generally.</p>
+
+<p><i>November</i>.&mdash;Demonstration at the Lord
+Mayor's Show. Charges, counter-charges, and
+recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please,
+strongly recommended row.</p>
+
+<p><i>December</i>.&mdash;Fresh sensation (about a
+murder or a charitable scheme) and everything
+forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe
+a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Emperor of R-ss-a</i>.&mdash;To personally visit Siberia.</p>
+
+<p><i>King of It-ly</i>.&mdash;To come to terms with the Vatican.</p>
+
+<p><i>Emperor of G-rm-ny</i>.&mdash;To stay at home.</p>
+
+<p><i>King of P-rtug-l</i>.&mdash;To accept the situation in Africa.</p>
+
+<p><i>President C-rn-t</i>.&mdash;To forget the existence of Egypt.</p>
+
+<p><i>King of Sp-n</i>.&mdash;To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.</p>
+
+<p><i>Emperor of A-str-a</i>.&mdash;Between Kingdom and Empire, to make
+both ends meet.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord S-l-sb-ry</i>.&mdash;To prepare for the General Election.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Gl-dst-ne</i>.&mdash;To explain Home Rule.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord R. Ch-rch-ll</i>.&mdash;To give up racing in favour of politics.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. H.M. St-nl-y</i>.&mdash;To re-write <i>Darkest Africa</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>General B-th</i>.&mdash;To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s</i>.&mdash;To attend to his professional duties,
+and get through his official work.</p>
+
+<p><i>And Mr. P-nch</i>.&mdash;To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a
+century.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.&mdash;Should Mr. WILSON
+BARRETT contemplate giving another <i>Matinée</i> of that out-of-date
+play, <i>The Lady of Lyons</i>, why not change its title to <i>The Old
+Lady of Lyons</i>? No extra charge for this suggestion.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.&mdash;Police Protection to TIM HEALY.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/3.png" alt="MODERN VERSION OF 'PAUL AND VIRGINIA.'" /></a><h3>MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2>
+
+<h3>THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+SCENE&mdash;<i>The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs are
+heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all kinds,
+which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while the men
+rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded corner,</i>
+Mr. NIGHTINGALE <i>and</i> MISS ROSE <i>are conversing in whispers.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i> (<i>Stage-Manager and Organiser&mdash;self-appointed</i>).
+No&mdash;but I say, <i>really</i>, you know, we <i>must</i> try and decide on
+something&mdash;we've
+been out half an hour, and the people will be getting
+impatient! (<i>To the Ladies</i>.) Do come and help; it's really no
+use dressing up till we've settled what we're going <i>to do</i>. Can't
+<i>anybody</i> think of a good Word?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Larkspur</i>. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with
+the same plot and characters all through. We did that once at
+the Grange, and it was awfully good&mdash;just like a regular Comedy!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i>. Ah, but we've got to hit on <i>a Word</i> first.
+Come&mdash;nobody
+got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over
+<i>there</i>, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting
+your heads together?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Nightingale</i> (<i>confused</i>). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh,
+ah&mdash;yes, we've thought of a <i>lot</i> of Words.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Rose</i>. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>They resume their conversation</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor,
+won't <i>you</i> give us a Word?</p>
+
+<p><i>Chorus of Ladies</i>. Oh, <i>do</i>, Professor&mdash;you're sure to think of
+something clever!</p>
+
+<p><i>Professor Pollen</i> (<i>modestly</i>). Well, really, I've so little experience
+in these matters that&mdash;A Word <i>has</i> just occurred to me,
+however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet with
+approval&mdash;(<i>he beams at them with modest pride through his
+spectacles</i>)&mdash;it's "Monocotyledonous."</p>
+
+<p><i>Chorus of Ladies</i>. Charming! Monocottle&mdash;Oh, can't we <i>do</i>
+that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>dubiously</i>). We might&mdash;but&mdash;er&mdash;what's it
+<i>mean</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof. Pollen</i>. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant
+which has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with <i>two</i>
+are termed&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only
+one seed-lobe myself&mdash;and then the syllables&mdash;"mon"&mdash;"oh"&mdash;"cot"&mdash;"till"&mdash;we
+shouldn't get done before <i>midnight</i>, you know!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof. Pollen</i> (<i>With mild pique</i>). Well, I merely threw it out as a
+suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I
+was wrong; no doubt.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Settee</i> (<i>nervously</i>). I've thought of a word. How
+would&mdash;er&mdash;"<i>Familiar</i>" do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>severely</i>). Now, <i>really</i>. SETTEE, <i>do</i> try not to
+footle like
+this! [Mr. SETTEE <i>subsides amidst general disapproval</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Flinders</i>. (<i>With a flash of genius</i>). I've got it&mdash;<i>Gamboge</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:&mdash;"Gam"&mdash;"booge."
+How do you see it yourself?</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Mr. FLINDERS <i>discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see it, and
+the suggestion is allowed to drop</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Miss Pelagia Rhys</i>. <i>I've</i> an idea. <i>Familiar!</i>
+"Fame"&mdash;"ill"&mdash;"<i>liar</i>,"
+you know. [<i>Chorus of applause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> Capital! The very thing&mdash;congratulate you, Miss RHYS!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Settee</i> (<i>sotto voce</i>). But I say, look here, <i>I</i> suggested
+that,
+you know, and you said&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wh.</i> (<i>ditto</i>). What on earth <i>does</i> it matter who suggests
+it, so
+long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (<i>Aloud</i>.) How are we
+going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE <i>sulks</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a
+Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making
+a lot of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing
+the Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat inside
+out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by way of
+indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn themselves
+with a similar regard to realism, and even more care
+for appearances.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<h4>AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<i>The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed
+by faint applause</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (<i>No
+response.</i>)
+You might have played up to me a little more than you did&mdash;you
+others. You let me do everything!</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Larkspur</i>. You never let any of us get a word in!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Because you all talked at once, that was all.
+Now then&mdash;"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to
+me one by one, and say you're <i>ill</i>&mdash;see?</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a dressing-gown
+and an old yeomanry helmet</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i> (<i>huffily</i>). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with
+the audience&mdash;I'm no use <i>here</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential
+butler, and show the patients in.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Mr. W. <i>accepts&mdash;with a view to showing</i> PUSHINGTON <i>that other
+people can act as well as he</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<h4>AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Seemed to <i>drag</i> a little, somehow! There was
+no necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A
+Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Whipster</i>. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to
+put some fun in <i>somewhere</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. P.</i> Well, you might have put it where someone could see it.
+Nobody laughed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Professor Pollen</i>. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I
+was describing my symptoms&mdash;which I can vouch for as scientifically
+correct&mdash;you persisted in kicking my legs under the table&mdash;it was
+unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. I was only trying to hint to you that as there
+were a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview
+short, Professor&mdash;that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Buckram</i>. If I had known the kind of questions you were
+going to ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have
+exposed myself to them. I say no more, but I must positively decline
+to appear with you again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets
+carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&amp;c.,
+&amp;c.&mdash;<i>until</i>
+Miss BUCKRAM <i>is partly mollified</i>.) Now then&mdash;last syllable.
+Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and all of you
+come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that
+screamingly funny!</p>
+
+<h4>AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pushington</i>. Muddled? Of <i>course</i> it was muddled&mdash;you all
+called me a liar before I opened my mouth!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Rest</i>.&mdash;But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we
+<i>had</i> to bring the Word in somehow.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pushington</i>. Bring it in?&mdash;but you needn't have let it <i>out</i>.
+There was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We
+must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again
+(<i>muttering</i>). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't
+understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span>
+
+<h4>AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><i>General Murmur</i>. What <i>can</i> it be? Not <i>Turk</i>, I suppose,
+or
+Magician?&mdash;Quarrelling?&mdash;Parnellite?&mdash;Impertinence? Shall we
+give it up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if
+we don't, they'll do another; and it is getting <i>so</i> late, and such a
+<i>long</i> drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No,
+indeed, we can't <i>imagine. "Familiar</i>!" To be sure&mdash;<i>how</i> clever,
+and <i>how</i> well you all acted it, to be sure&mdash;you must be quite tired
+after it all. I am sure <i>we</i>&mdash;hem&mdash;are deeply indebted to you ... My
+dear Miss ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I
+never recognised you a bit, nor <i>you</i>, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part
+did <i>you</i> take?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Nightingale</i>. I&mdash;er&mdash;didn't take any particular part&mdash;wasn't
+wanted, you know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Rose</i>. Not to <i>act</i>,&mdash;so we stayed outside
+and&mdash;and&mdash;arranged things.</p>
+
+<p><i>An Old Lady</i>. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none
+of the pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Rose</i> (<i>sweetly</i>). Oh no. I mean yes!&mdash;but we didn't <i>mind</i>
+it much.</p>
+
+<p><i>The O.L.</i> And which of you settled what the Word was to be?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. N.</i> Well, I believe we settled that together.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not of
+the house-party. In the Smoking-room</i>, Mr. PUSHINGTON
+<i>discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the
+other men, and puts it down to jealousy</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.</h2>
+
+<p>We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our
+principel Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun,
+and may it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one
+cheer more for the bewtifool LADY MARESS,
+and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah,
+we Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows
+our dooty to the fairer and weaker sects
+quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves.
+I next perposed the City Livvery
+Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as
+ort for to be printed and sircculated. I
+had serttenly given a good deal of atention
+to it, and praps shood have dun ewen
+better if I hadn't quite forgot ewery word
+of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly,
+was all about the lots of money as they
+gives away. But I remembred all about
+their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting to my
+hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion,
+of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus
+Dinners of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally
+cause a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat
+and xquisit a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was
+werry considerabel diffrens of opinion about their warious choice
+wines, but all agreed in praising them werry hily, but ewen more,
+the trew libberality with which they was served, and not poured
+out so close as to make the pore Waiter's dooty a thirsty and
+tanterlising one indeed.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/4-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-1.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<p>We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not
+forgettin the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody
+knows as is anybody, and drank to their great success, for
+werry ewident reesons.</p>
+
+<p>Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the
+reckless ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say,
+as how as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was
+to hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely
+called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more
+manly employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly
+forgave him, more specially as he stands six foot one in his
+stockings, let alone his boots. However he made up for his bad
+manners by singing with his capital voice, his new Song of "<i>Old
+Robert the Waiter</i>" being a rayther complementary Parody, as he
+called it, upon "<i>Old Simon the Cellerer</i>," which was receeved with
+emense aplause. So he gave, as an arncore, the Waiter's favrite
+Glee of "<i>Mynear Van Dunk</i>," with its fine conwincing moral against
+Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish.</p>
+
+<p>BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by
+singing his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and
+we sort our seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as
+his Lordship hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the
+follering sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May
+all the well to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a
+Crismus as we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind
+thort, and a liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly
+wants it this bitter weather." ROBERT.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:28%;"><a href="images/4-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-2.png" alt="" /></a>Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.</div>
+
+<p>MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY
+JERUM," is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide,
+entitled <i>Told After Supper</i>. What he wants, that is, what he
+ought to have whether he wants it or not, is judicious
+editing. Had this process been applied to this eccentric
+haphazardy book, scarcely more than a third
+of it would have been published. "His style, in this
+book at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I
+say the same of his <i>Three Men in a Tub</i>, suggests the
+idea of his writing being the work of a young man
+who, among his companions
+and admirers, has earned the reputation of being a 'deuced funny
+chap,' and so has to struggle to live up to this reputation, or to live
+it down." JERUMKY JERUM still somewhat affects Yankee humour,
+not, however, in so forced and vulgar a manner as in his overpraised
+<i>Three Men in a Boat</i>. Two of the Ghost Stories are
+humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they been
+introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very
+palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's
+night) brought in his story of <i>Tom Smart</i>, and of the inimitable
+<i>Gabriel Grub</i>, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably
+enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels&mdash;sandwich'd in
+between heavy slabs of doughy material&mdash;stand a chance of not
+being tasted. To anyone who comes across the book the Baron says,
+"read about the Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and
+EMILY. The tinted paper on which it is printed is a mistake, as
+are also most of the amateurish illustrations."</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/4-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/4-3.png" alt="Goblins." /></a>Goblins.</div>
+
+<p><i>WOMAN</i>&mdash;not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"&mdash;nor woman
+who in our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But
+Woman, the weekly <i>Woman</i> who is doing uncommonly well and
+in her fifty-third number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea
+of a Christmas dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very
+good and simple dinner it was. The same <i>Woman</i> gave also, among
+a variety of next-day's treatments of Turkey, <i>Turkey in Aspic</i>,
+Turkey in Europe, and Turkey in Asia&mdash;yes&mdash;but what about
+"Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't look well; much better in French.
+But we dare say it's very good, though, for breakfast or supper,
+"devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat."</p>
+
+<p>I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested
+me muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his
+writings, though I do not remember ever having heard
+the titles of his works mentioned, that, when a neat-looking
+volume was sent me by Messrs. PATERSON &amp; Co.
+of <i>Leigh Hunt's Tales</i>, I anticipated great pleasure
+from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in
+anticipation. I have tried, as the song says, "A little
+bit here, and a little bit there&mdash;Here a bit,
+There a bit, And everywhere
+a bit,"&mdash;but, hang me, says the Baron, if I can tackle any
+one of them. The matter doesn't interest me, and the style doesn't
+fascinate me. This may be rank heresy, but I can't help it. I
+have tried, and failed. Well, better to have tried, and failed, than
+never to have tried at all. But I shan't try again,&mdash;at least, not
+on this collection of Tales.</p>
+
+<p>BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.&mdash;A good collection of pictures and
+sculpture&mdash;including
+works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD,
+ALFRED GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others&mdash;is on view at the
+Royal Arcade Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for
+the benefit of the family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young
+sculptor, who died only a few weeks ago. Lots more to say, but
+you won't stand it, and will probably say, "<i>Par! si bête</i>!" So no
+more at present from yours par-entally, OLD PAR.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.&mdash;A Sheriff's Officer: a
+Writ-ualist.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span>
+
+<h2>A FORECAST FOR 1891.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Being some Extracts from the Gloomy Outlooker's Diary.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/5-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/5-1.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Old Sol</i>. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. P.</i> "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"</p></div>
+
+<p><i>January</i>.&mdash;Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London
+"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses,
+the fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15<i>s.</i> Milk, 10<i>s.</i>
+the half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to
+secure the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out
+the Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of
+coals. The Three per Cents go down to 35.</p>
+
+<p><i>February</i>.&mdash;Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis
+makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords,
+crosses Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large
+centre terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a
+mile in Piccadilly.</p>
+
+<p><i>March</i>.&mdash;Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played
+at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking
+Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are
+carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital.</p>
+
+<p><i>April</i>.&mdash;Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large
+metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen
+waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire
+brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish the
+flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the
+holders of gas shares.</p>
+
+<p><i>May</i>.&mdash;The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute
+stage. The "Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League"
+being patted on the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme,
+and seize the Stock Exchange and the Mansion House.</p>
+
+<p><i>June</i>.&mdash;The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter
+stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of
+England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation to
+celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in returning
+thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the takings"
+of their hosts must have been "enormous."</p>
+
+<p><i>July</i>.&mdash;Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme.
+Triumphant return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed
+themselves immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to
+having another innings at "the way out."</p>
+
+<p><i>August</i>.&mdash;The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to
+stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the hundred-ton
+guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a shell
+into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, bursting
+itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of a letter in
+the <i>Times</i> from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the matter will
+be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department.</p>
+
+<p><i>September</i>.&mdash;A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several
+Hotchkiss guns with their guests asked down to the shooting,
+exceed the known figures of any previous <i>battue</i> to such an extent
+that birds sell in Bond Street at <i>3d</i>. a brace, with the result that
+the whole of Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the
+next seven years.</p>
+
+<p><i>October</i>.&mdash;The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to
+be got anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament
+meet the "food" crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative
+Society, and bring up their own cattle to London. Being, however,
+unable to kill them professionally without the aid of a butcher,
+they blow them up with gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe,
+for which proceedings they are somewhat maliciously
+prosecuted by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.</p>
+
+<p><i>November</i>.&mdash;The Strike continuing, and times being very bad,
+several Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a
+tour of their immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs,
+thereby realising a very handsome sum in halfpence from a not
+unsympathetic public.</p>
+
+<p><i>December</i>.&mdash;First signs of a probable second edition of a "good
+old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence.
+Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only
+frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891
+terminates in gloomy despair.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>EDWIN AND ANGELINA.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>One More Version.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:18%;"><a href="images/5-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/5-2.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,&mdash;I beg of you to hear my tale of woe,</p>
+<p>My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know;</p>
+<p>How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted,</p>
+<p>And I am left to shed a tear&mdash;alone, and broken-hearted.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We were engaged for eighteen months&mdash;he often said that life</p>
+<p>Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife.</p>
+<p>My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle,"</p>
+<p>He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea&mdash;</p>
+<p>She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me.</p>
+<p>I thought him quite a model youth&mdash;hard-working, loyal, steady,</p>
+<p>A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.",</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known</p>
+<p>Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own."</p>
+<p>It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely,</p>
+<p>Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm,</p>
+<p>I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm;</p>
+<p>So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever,</p>
+<p>But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He only called me darling once! how different from before!</p>
+<p>Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)?</p>
+<p>And was he tired of me&mdash;the girl he loved so fondly, dearly?</p>
+<p>It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yes&mdash;was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove?</p>
+<p>You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love!</p>
+<p>I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly,</p>
+<p>That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast</p>
+<p>Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best;</p>
+<p>And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly,</p>
+<p>But it <i>was</i> more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The truth was clear&mdash;I quickly sent him back his lovely <i>cartes</i>,</p>
+<p>His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts.</p>
+<p>I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried&mdash;</p>
+<p>And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know,</p>
+<p>You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go.</p>
+<p>And if you know, dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, a husband, say you've seen a</p>
+<p>Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>ANGELINA.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?&mdash;Under the
+beneficent influence of the early coal dews&mdash;subsequently spelt coal
+dues&mdash;which have existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan
+Improvements have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks
+to ignorant, but well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues
+being abolished, up goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there
+is no surplus for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of
+coal dues were considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus,
+"Hard times, come again once more!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/6.png" alt="" /></a><h3>PRIG-STICKING.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Little Prigson</i>. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST
+OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS
+SISTAH'S <i>QUITE</i> THE NICEST GIRL I EVER MET."</p>
+
+<p><i>Aunt Eliza</i>. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU <i>MIGHT</i>
+HAVE HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL
+EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF <i>PRESENT COMPANY</i>!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Cousin Maud</i>. "YES; IN <i>BOTH</i> CASES, YOU KNOW!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"</h2>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Punch, loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy,</p>
+<p class="i2">Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily,</p>
+<p>'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy,</p>
+<p class="i4">At least, you're beginning most merrily.</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      You make a good start, anyhow.</p>
+<p class="i2">With a kiss from the lips that can never betray,</p>
+<p class="i2">There's many a girl would be greeted <i>that</i> way!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>You're welcome, my lad! It is <i>Punch's</i> old style</p>
+<p class="i2">To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers;</p>
+<p>In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile,</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>His</i> warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers!</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow.</p>
+<p class="i2">He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Sursum corda</i>! That motto's the best of the bunch;</p>
+<p class="i2">Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker.</p>
+<p>Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from <i>Punch</i>,</p>
+<p class="i4">Never helped one in heart or exchequer,</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      You cannot do better, I vow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule,</p>
+<p class="i2">As your very first tip in your very first school.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad?</p>
+<p class="i2">And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus,</p>
+<p>Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad.</p>
+<p class="i4">How well the Venusian knows us!</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      <i>He</i> never kissed maid, but somehow</p>
+<p class="i2">Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine</p>
+<p class="i2">With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch,</p>
+<p class="i2">(Though sometimes my <i>bâton</i> must play&mdash;on rogues' shoulders.)</p>
+<p>Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch</p>
+<p class="i4">By Orbilian smiters and scolders.</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      A kiss is best treatment, I trow.</p>
+<p class="i2">A salute from the lips of your <i>Punch</i> you'll not spurn,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the young guests around you shall each take a turn.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear,</p>
+<p class="i2">There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon,</p>
+<p>But&mdash;well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year</p>
+<p class="i4">As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on.</p>
+<p class="i10">      Under the Mistletoe Bough</p>
+<p class="i10">      You look mighty kissable&mdash;now.</p>
+<p class="i2">So here goes another, for luck like, my dear,</p>
+<p class="i2">As we wish everybody A Happy New Year!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Old Morality's Christmas Card and New Year Wishes.</h3>
+
+<p>This communication is designed to convey the expression of the
+wish that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those
+not distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed
+a season of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve
+months, upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with
+Happiness. (<i>Signed</i>) W.H.S.</p>
+
+<p><i>Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve</i>, 1890.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the
+title and name of BISHOP KING.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/7.png"><img width="100%" src="images/7.png" alt="A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" /></a><h3>"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/9-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-1.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE."</h3>
+
+"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I
+propose to make a few additions to my usual
+forensic costume."&mdash;<i>Extract from a Letter of
+Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend</i>.</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT THE END OF THE YEAR.</h2>
+
+<p>To a Friend,</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Do you remember how we sat,</p>
+<p class="i2">We two, in this same room together</p>
+<p>Last year, and talked of this and that,</p>
+<p class="i2">And warmed our toes and cursed the weather?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud</p>
+<p class="i2">(We both smoked briars, I remember),</p>
+<p>And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed</p>
+<p class="i2">To do or die ere next December?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We spoke without respect of BEN,</p>
+<p class="i2">BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly;</p>
+<p><i>Now</i> BEN bamboozles jurymen,</p>
+<p class="i2">And makes his thousand guineas yearly.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We both despised the wretched JOE,</p>
+<p class="i2">My fag at school, your butt at College.</p>
+<p>Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Choked with absurdly useful knowledge.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet JOE assists to give us laws,</p>
+<p class="i2">Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form,</p>
+<p>'Midst empty thunders of applause,</p>
+<p class="i2">Erect on many a Tory platform.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And poor, inconsequential JACK,</p>
+<p class="i2">His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's,</p>
+<p>Has married money, keeps a hack,</p>
+<p class="i2">And has a big account at COUTTS's.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square,</p>
+<p class="i2">And DICK is noted for his dinners&mdash;</p>
+<p>Life is a race, but was it fair,</p>
+<p class="i2">We asked, that <i>these</i> should be the winners?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We, too, would win; and Heaven knows</p>
+<p class="i2">What vows we uttered fiery-hearted,</p>
+<p>While '89 drew to its close,</p>
+<p class="i2">And '90 found us&mdash;so we parted.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And here, good lack, while '90 wanes,</p>
+<p class="i2">Our candles flaring in their sockets,</p>
+<p>We sit once more and count our gains&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends;</p>
+<p class="i2">Men prate of wealth in empty words, I</p>
+<p>Sit here content as '90 ends.</p>
+<p class="i2">And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2>
+
+<h4>SEASONABLE.</h4>
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating
+and explosive Stimulant.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal
+Restorer.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping
+baby instantly flying out of the
+cradle.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid
+Grandfather suddenly mount to
+the fifth storey by leaps and bounds.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate
+influenza.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache
+into delirium.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows
+up the brain tissues.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole
+household on the sneeze.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever
+in the Infant School.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the
+Hippopotamus.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief
+Justice off the Bench.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the
+dentist.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop
+dancing a break-down.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher
+into a Lunatic Asylum.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising
+Politician.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation
+of the Prime Minister.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler
+cab-horse win the Derby.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor
+for Practical Jokers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely
+relied on by Master TOMMY.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the
+baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into
+the Soup at a dinner-party, will lead
+to a serious riot in the dining-room.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in
+a sandwich, will choke an Uncle.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general
+disorganiser of every Household.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.&mdash;A Pinch will
+thoroughly banish sleep for a whole
+fortnight.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.&mdash;"An Octogenarian
+Consumer" writes:&mdash;"I was
+in a comatose condition for twenty years,
+when I came across your Pepper. I had
+scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my
+arm-chair, and have danced a continual fandango
+ever since. I carry it loose in all my
+pockets, and scatter it on all my friends
+whenever I meet them. This has got me
+kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I
+do not in the least mind. I'm as merry and
+as mad as a March hare&mdash;and your Pepper has done it."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.&mdash;The Proprietors
+beg to inform their Friends and
+Patrons that they can supply this highly
+combustible and explosive compound in
+felt safety cases, carefully packed at their
+bomb-proof establishment in Barking Marshes,
+at the usual retail prices, viz., 1<i>s.</i> 1-1/2<i>d.</i>,
+2<i>s.</i> 9<i>d.</i>, 11<i>s.</i>, 21<i>s.</i>, and 31<i>s.</i>
+6<i>d.</i>, &amp;c, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY.</h2>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/9-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-2.png" alt="Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time." /></a>Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.</div>
+
+<p>Dear Mr. Punch,&mdash;I venture to address
+you on a subject that I feel sure will enlist
+your kind attention and sympathy. How am
+I to get through Yule Tide? Ought I to give
+up the dispatch of "cards," or ought I to send
+them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances?
+If I drop the custom, people who
+like me will think I am outting them, and
+persons with whom I am less popular will
+imagine that economy, not to say meanness,
+is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post
+Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense,"
+and <i>do</i> send the cards. Well, I am in this
+position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty
+to get a suitable greeting to all those
+who receive my annual benediction. If I
+have "Wishing you and yours every happiness,"
+with my appended name and address
+lithographed, the greeting seems cold, and
+even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a
+favourite Maiden Aunt; and unduly familiar
+if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for
+the first time in my life the day before
+yesterday. Then if I trust to the ordinary
+Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at
+a loss to select an appropriate recipient for a
+nestful of owls, or the picture of a Clown
+touching up an elderly gentleman of highly
+respectable appearance with a red-hot poker!
+If I get a representation of flowers, the chances
+are ten to one that the accompanying lines
+are of a compromising character. It is
+obviously cruel to send to a recently-widowed
+Uncle some verses about "<i>Darby and Joan</i>,"
+and my Mother-in-law is not likely to feel
+complimented if I forward to her a poetically
+expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter
+place than her own home&mdash;away, of
+course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these
+are the problems that meet the would-be Yule
+Tide card distributer at every turn! I remain,
+my dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, yours sincerely,</p>
+
+<p>ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;If this arrives late, thank the cards
+that have overtaxed the postal arrangements.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The United Service Diary for 1891.</h3>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/9-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/9-3.png" alt="Extremes Meet." /></a>Extremes Meet.</div>
+
+<p><i>January to March</i>.&mdash;Soldiers
+on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.</p>
+
+<p><i>April to June</i>.&mdash;Soldiers at play.
+Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.</p>
+
+<p><i>July to September</i>.&mdash;Soldiers at
+sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors
+at play (<i>ditto</i>). Civil Servants away (<i>ditto</i>).</p>
+
+<p><i>October to December</i>.&mdash;Soldiers on leave.
+Sailors at sea. Civil Servants reading the morning paper.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" src="images/10.png" alt="FOLLIES OF THE YEAR." /></a><h3>FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span>
+
+<h2>IN THE LATEST STYLE.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Our Intrepid Interviewer.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>Feeling that your readers would be interested
+in learning Mr. CHOSE's own view of
+the unpleasant affair, I called upon the
+distinguished Arctic Explorer just as he was
+sitting down to breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I
+asked, "that you stole the umbrellas?"</p>
+
+<p>The face of the warrior flushed angrily,
+for a moment, and then regaining his composure,
+he replied that he could not see the
+point of possessing himself of articles that
+would be absolutely valueless in those
+extremely northern latitudes.</p>
+
+<p>"That is not the question," I persisted.
+"I am sure you will forgive me, when you
+remember that I speak in the name of the
+Public; but what I want, and what they want
+to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas?
+Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't see what either you or they have
+to do with it," replied the Arctic Explorer,
+cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a
+matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do
+with any of the luggage of the expedition.
+So, if it is said, that I walked about with a
+shower-protector that was not my own, you
+can value the story for what it is worth.
+Why, on the very face of it, the report is
+ridiculous!"</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the
+world is uncharitable. However, Mr. CHOSE,
+perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your
+friend and colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted
+an aged Esquimaux into what he termed
+Iced Greenlander?"</p>
+
+<p>'I have heard the story, certainly; but
+cannot say whether it
+is true or not. When the incident is alleged
+to have happened, I was in another part of the
+country, having been sent there to change
+novels at the local circulating library."</p>
+
+<p>"But would you say it was probable?"</p>
+
+<p>"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted,
+chivalrous, merry, gladsome, gallant
+young fellow. He was the soul of honour.
+Why," he added, with deep emotion, "I have
+left as much as fourpence in coppers on a
+mantel-piece alone with him, and on my
+return nave found every halfpenny of the
+money untouched!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then do you not think he pushed the old
+man into the sausage-machine?"</p>
+
+<p>"If he did, it must have been either accidentally,
+or to win a wager, or perhaps as
+practical joke. That he would do anything open to censure at the
+hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely incredible. Why, he
+is a Loamshire man!"</p>
+
+<p>"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have
+finished your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question.
+Is it true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle,
+stifled your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?"</p>
+
+<p>The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said
+something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated.</p>
+
+<p>"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking
+pockets? And when it is said that you
+were turned out of a Club for cheating at cards&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But at this point I was assisted to take
+my leave with so much abruptness, that I
+was forced to leave my last question but partially
+formulated. On finding myself once
+more in the street, I noticed that I was
+reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A
+little later, however, my hat was thrown after me.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"><h2>PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET.</h2><a href="images/11-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/11-1.png" alt="" /></a><h4>HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO SHAKSPEARE.</h4>
+
+<p>"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Note</i>.&mdash;Shakespeare was the originator of the
+aesthetic expression "Too, too."</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/11-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/11-2.png" alt="" /></a><i>Queen</i>. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br />
+Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>POLITICS UP TO DATE.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Specimen Leader from an Irish Paper in a Chronic State of Revolution.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.&mdash;We appear this morning
+awaiting the future with confidence and
+hope. So far, we have been able to conduct
+this journal on patriotic lines. We have
+denounced the Leader of the Party as the
+enemy of his country, and have applauded
+his opponents as the saviours of society.
+But we cannot conceal from ourselves that
+the time may arrive when this policy may
+be reversed. The hour may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>10 A.M.&mdash;It has! We have much pleasure
+in informing our readers that, after a vigorous
+fight (honourable to all who took part in it),
+we have conquered. This paper is in our
+hands, and henceforward we shall support,
+to the best of our ability, the Leader of the
+Party, and denounce the infamous pretensions
+of his opponents; still, it would be unwise to
+ignore the possibilities of the future. We
+may be overpowered by a tyrannical majority.
+The time may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>11 A.M.&mdash;It has! Hurroo! It was hard
+fighting to get back;
+but here we are again,
+ready to denounce the
+leader, and support his
+opponents. For the
+moment we are victorious,
+but who shall prophesy what may be
+looming in the distant
+ages? The hour may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>12 NOON.&mdash;It has! And now that we have
+again taken possession, we must say we have
+never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs
+were flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns
+in all directions, and the scrimmages were
+just magnificent! It was an elegant row
+entirely! But now to work. Our noble
+leader deserves his triumph, and his opponents
+are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be
+foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>1 P.M.&mdash;It has! Be jabers, what a contest!
+But we have just slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight
+entirely! How the ink-pots flew about! Easy now, let us to business.
+The shorter we make our remarks the better, as no one can
+say what will be happening hereafter. The hour may come&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>2 P.M.&mdash;It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them!
+Hurroo, boys! This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail
+of my&mdash;we mean&mdash;our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Publication suspended until someone can be found&mdash;not otherwise
+engaged&mdash;to write and print it, while someone else starts
+a rival and "suppressed" edition</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/12-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/12-1.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.</h2>
+
+<p><i>January</i>.&mdash;If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN
+was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although
+the Opposition tried to <i>hinder her</i> from assuming the title. Work
+this out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't
+be given away if only <i>lent</i>. This entertaining quibble (suitable to
+five o'clock teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note
+the colours of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the
+blues." On the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First
+date suggestive of PITT, the second of <i>pity</i>. Good joke for the
+Midlands. Put it down to SHERIDAN.</p>
+
+<p><i>February</i>.&mdash;On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's
+festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire.
+This said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical
+luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary
+missive, say it is less suggestive of <i>Valentine</i> than <i>Orson</i>.
+This
+capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they
+laugh until the end of the month.</p>
+
+<p><i>March</i>.&mdash;Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801.
+If you take care to pronounce the victory <i>A-book-er</i>, you may
+possibly
+get a jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on
+the turf, when you can call it "the defeat of <i>A-book-er</i>." Good at
+a hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can
+observe "1801?&mdash;the year of my birth!"</p>
+
+<p><i>April</i>.&mdash;Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be
+"<i>All</i> Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who
+reads the <i>Times</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>May</i>.&mdash;You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty
+date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and
+explain that you meant a "<i>Connaughty</i> date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's
+Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint
+conceit a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the
+celebrated songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles
+from London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps
+venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being
+like "lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not
+expect any one to laugh.</p>
+
+<p><i>June</i>.&mdash;The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and
+there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's
+Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days"
+are few and far between, according to WHITAKER.</p>
+
+<p><i>July</i>.&mdash;Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it
+is also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce
+the victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause
+merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their
+lives on desert islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On
+the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that
+although a priceless boon it was only a <i>light</i> relief. If you can
+only introduce this really clever <i>bon mot</i> into a speech at a wedding
+breakfast, a railway indignation meeting or a debate in the
+House of Lords, it is sure to go with bowls not to say
+shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in founding
+Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement
+is the nearest approach to levity that in
+common decency can be tolerated in a mourning coach.</p>
+
+<p><i>August</i>.&mdash;On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280
+British slaves were freed. You might ask satirically,
+how many slaves (be they husbands or be they wives)
+now exist? You might offer this to a clergyman to
+be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the
+Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up
+of an infant school) that on account of the
+extremely warm reception to which the French were
+welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be appropriately
+called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy."
+This will be found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home
+on furlough, and an Honorary Royal Academician living
+in retirement.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/12-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/12-2.png" alt="" /></a><h4>ALWAYS ENTERTAINING;</h4>
+
+<p>OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!</p></div>
+
+<p><i>September</i>.&mdash;On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences.
+Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing
+off guns without loading, killing dead birds, &amp;c, &amp;c.
+On the 3rd, the present Lord Chancellor born in 1825&mdash;the
+name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-<i>bury</i>. A little
+obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply
+repay time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS
+(who may be amusingly called "Watts-his-name"), died
+in 1869. Not much in this, but may possibly fill up an
+awkward pause during the reading of a will, or the
+arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's
+initial hospitality at five o'clock tea.</p>
+
+<p><i>October</i>.&mdash;FIELDING, the novelist, <i>bowled out</i> on the
+8th in 1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th&mdash;an awful
+example to habitual drunkards. Pheasant-shooting
+commences. Right time to tell that story about the
+Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot <i>peasants</i> instead!
+This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians
+who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.</p>
+
+<p><i>November</i>.&mdash;Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs
+about having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take
+the chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets.
+Lord Mayor's Day on the 9th&mdash;opportunity for letting
+off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000 a Mayor's Nest-egg,"
+&amp;c, &amp;c. Jests about the fog not now popular&mdash;the
+infliction is too serious for jocularity!</p>
+
+<p><i>December</i>.&mdash;Holiday time for everyone,
+inclusive of that most melancholy of persons "the
+funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811)
+reaches the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man
+(born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing
+Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the
+world a Happy New Year.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>APPROPRIATE.&mdash;Sir,&mdash;Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas
+legal case than appeared in the <i>Times</i> Law Report, December
+20th, and which was entitled "<i>The Mayor, &amp;c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre</i>
+v. <i>The Justices of Lancashire</i>?" What delightful names
+for a comic chorus to a <i>Bab Ballad</i> in a Pantomime.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Solo</i>. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor</p>
+<p><i>Chorus</i>. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee;</p>
+<p><i>Solo</i>. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare,</p>
+<p><i>Chorus</i>. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be
+serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
+in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
+there will be no exception.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100., January 3, 1891., by Various
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2120 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.,
+January 3, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., January 3, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 9, 2004 [EBook #12860]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+January 3, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: VOL. C, CALENDAR]
+
+  JANUARY xxxi Days.
+
+   1 Th  N. Year's D.
+   2 F   Abydos t.
+   3 S   L. Hunt b.
+   4 S   2 S. af. Chr.
+   5 M   Sambourne]
+   6 T   Epiphany
+   7 W   Bp. Ely d.
+   8 Th  Cam. L.T.b.
+   9 F   S.r. 8 h. 6 m.
+  10 S   S.s. 4 h. 10 m.
+  11 S   1.S. af. Epip.
+  12 M   Hil. Sit. b.
+  13 Tu  B. Cannae
+  14 W   Oxf. L.T. b.
+  15 Th  Orsini plot
+  16 F   B. Corunna
+  17 S   Franklin b.
+  18 S   2 S. af. Epip.
+  19 M   Watt b.
+  20 Tu  Fabian
+  21 W   Agnes
+  22 Th  Vincent
+  23 F   Pitt d. 1806
+  24 S   Fox b. 1749
+  25 S   Septuag. S.
+  26 M   Brazil disc.
+  27 Tu  J. Gibson d.
+  28 W   Prescott d.
+  29 Th  Capit. Paris
+  30 F   Chas. I. bhd.
+  31 S   B. Jonson b.
+
+
+  FEBRUARY xxviii Days.
+
+   1 S   Sexages. S.
+   2 M   B. Lincoln
+   3 Tu  Bassevi d.
+   4 W   S.r. 7 h. 36 m.
+   5 Th  Galvani d.
+   6 F   S.s. 4 h. 56 m.
+   7 S   Dickens b.
+   8 S   Quinqu. S.
+   9 M   Darnley m.
+  10 Tu  Q.V. marr.
+  11 W   Ash. Wed.
+  12 Th  Cellini d.
+  13 F   Revol. 1688
+  14 S   Valentine
+  15 S   1 S. in Lent.
+  16 M   Burke exe.
+  17 Tu  Braham d.
+  18 W   Luther d.
+  19 Th  Copernic. b.
+  20 F   J. Hume d.
+  21 S   Trinidad t.
+  22 S   2 S. in Lent
+  23 M   S. Brookes d.
+  24 Tu  Matthias
+  25 W   Wren d.
+  26 Th  T. Moore d.
+  27 F   Benevento
+  28 S   J. Tenniel
+
+
+  MARCH xxxi Days.
+
+   1 S   3 S. in Lent
+   2 M   Wesley d.
+   3 Tu  B. Merton
+   4 W   Somers b.
+   5 Th  S.r. 6 h. 39 m.
+   6 F   Du Maurier
+   7 S   S.s. 5 h. 48 m.
+   8 S   4 S. in Lent
+   9 M   Cobbett b.
+  10 Tu  Schiller b.
+  11 W   Inc. T. imp.
+  12 Th  Gregory
+  13 F   Talfourd d.
+  14 S   Byng shot
+  15 S   5 S. in Lent
+  16 M   Dr. Kent d.
+  17 Tu  St. Patrick
+  18 W   Suez cnl. op.
+  19 Th  Lucknow t.
+  20 F   B. Alexand.
+  21 S   Benedict
+  22 S   Palm S.
+  23 M   Nat. Gal. f.
+  24 Tu  Q. Eliz. d.
+  25 W   Lady Day
+  26 Th  D. Camb. b.
+  27 F   Good Frid.
+  28 S   Cateau
+  29 S   East. Sun.
+  30 M   Bk. Holiday
+  31 Tu  Haydn b.
+
+
+  APRIL xxx Days.
+
+   1 W   All Fools
+   2 Th  S.r. 5 h. 35 m.
+   3 F   S.s. 6 h. 34 m.
+   4 S   Ambrose bp.
+   5 S   Low Sun.
+   6 M   O. Lady-Day
+   7 Tu  Pr. Leop. b.
+   8 W   B. Savona
+   9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.
+  10 F   Cam. E.T. b.
+  11 S   Canning d.
+  12 S   2 S. af. Eas.
+  13 M   Handel d.
+  14 Tu  Prs. Beatr. b.
+  15 W   S. Maron.
+  16 Th  Thiers b.
+  17 F   B. Culloden
+  18 S   Graunt d.
+  19 S   3 S. af. Eas.
+  20 M   Spa. fl. des.
+  21 Tu  Bp. Heber b.
+  22 W   Odessa bom.
+  23 Th  St. George
+  24 F   B. Landrec.
+  25 S   Prs. Alice b.
+  26 S   4 S. af. Eas.
+  27 M   Gibbon b.
+  28 Tu  B. Tours
+  29 W   S. Cath. S.
+  30 Th  Fitzroy d.
+
+
+  MAY xxxi Days.
+
+   1 F   May Day
+   2 S   S.r. 4 h. 32 m.
+   3 S   Rogation S.
+   4 M   Sering. tkn.
+   5 Tu  S.s. 7 h. 27 m.
+   6 W   John Evan.
+   7 Th  Holy Thurs.
+   8 F   Le Sage b.
+   9 S   Hf. qr. Day
+  10 S   S. af. Ascen.
+  11 M   Chatham d.
+  12 Tu  Albt. Mem. c.
+  13 W   O. May Day
+  14 Th  Gratton d.
+  15 F   O'Connell d.
+  16 S   B. Albuera
+  17 S   Whit Sun.
+  18 M   Bk. Holiday
+  19 Tu  Dunstan
+  20 W   Columbus d.
+  21 Th  Cawnpore
+  22 F   Dasent b.
+  23 S   M. Lemon d.
+  24 S   Trin. Sun.
+  25 M   Pr. Hel. b.
+  26 Tu  Augustine
+  27 W   Ven. Bede
+  28 Th  Corp. Christ.
+  29 F   Chas. II. res.
+  30 S   Pope d.
+  31 S   1 Sn. af. Tr.
+
+
+  JUNE xxx Days.
+
+   1 M   Nicomede
+   2 Tu  Harvey b.
+   3 W   S.r. 3 h. 50 m.
+   4 Th  S.s. 8 h. 7 m.
+   5 F   Weber d.
+   6 S   Calpee tkn.
+   7 S   2 Sn. af. Tr.
+   8 M   D. Jerrold d.
+   9 Tu  Paxton d.
+  10 W   Heilsberg
+  11 Th  Barnabas
+  12 F   B. Wilton
+  13 S   Hastgs. bhd.
+  14 S   3 Sn. af. Tr.
+  15 M   Mag. Charta
+  16 Tu  Wat Tyl. sl.
+  17 W   St. Alban
+  18 Th  Waterloo
+  19 F   B. Wavres
+  20 S   Q. Vic. Ac.
+  21 S   4 Sn. af. Tr.
+  22 M   B. Pered
+  23 Tu  B. Plassy
+  24 W   Midsm. D.
+  25 Th  B. Altivia
+  26 F   Geo. IV. d.
+  27 S   Cairo tkn.
+  28 S   5 Sn. af. Tr.
+  29 M   St. Peter
+  30 Tu  Roscoe d.
+
+
+  JULY xxxi Days.
+
+   1 W   B. Boyne
+   2 Th  S.r. 3 h. 50 m.
+   3 F   B. Sadowa
+   4 S   S.s. 8 h. 17 m.
+   5 S   6 Sn. af. Tr.
+   6 M   Old Mid. D.
+   7 Tu  J. Huss bt.
+   8 W   A. Smith d.
+   9 Th  Fire Ins. ex.
+  10 F   Bp. Fell d.
+  11 S   B. Ouden
+  12 S   7 Sn. af. Tr.
+  13 M   D. Orleans d.
+  14 Tu  Bastile des.
+  15 W   St. Swithin
+  16 Th  Beranger d.
+  17 F   Punch b. '41
+  18 S   Sherlock d.
+  19 S   8 Sn. af. Tr.
+  20 M   Margaret
+  21 Tu  R. Burns d.
+  22 W   Salamanca
+  23 Th  Lyonet b.
+  24 F   Gibral. tkn.
+  25 S   St. James
+  26 S   9 Sn. af. Tr.
+  27 M   Talavera
+  28 Tu  Robesp. exe.
+  29 W   B. Beylau
+  30 Th  W. Penn d.
+  31 F   E. Pease d.
+
+
+  AUGUST xxxi Days.
+
+   1 S   Lammas
+   2 S   10 Sn. af. Tr.
+   3 M   Bk. Holiday
+   4 Tu  Oystr. Sea. c.
+   5 W   S.r. 4 h. 31 m.
+   6 Th  Dk. Edn. b.
+   7 F   S.s. 7 h. 37 m.
+   8 S   Otway b.
+   9 S   11 S. af. Tr.
+  10 M   C. Keene b.
+  11 Tu  Trin. Sit. c.
+  12 W   Grouse s.b.
+  13 Th  O. Lammas
+  14 F   Ld. Clyde d.
+  15 S   W. Scott b.
+  16 S   12 S. af. Tr.
+  17 M   Ad. Blake d.
+  18 Tu  B. Spurs
+  19 W   Ozontero
+  20 Th  Saragossa
+  21 F   Blck. Ck. s.b.
+  22 S   B. Bosworth
+  23 S   13 S. af. Tr.
+  24 M   S. Bartholo.
+  25 Tu  J. Watt d.
+  26 W   P. Cons. b.
+  27 Th  Thomson d.
+  28 F   B. Leipsic
+  29 S   Jno. Bp. bh.
+  30 S   14 S. af. Tr.
+  31 M   Bunyan d.
+
+
+  SEPTEMBER xxx Days.
+
+   1 Tu  Part. sh. e.
+   2 W   Capit. Sedan
+   3 Th  S.r. 5 h. 17 m.
+   4 F   S.s. 6 h. 39 m.
+   5 S   Comte d.
+   6 S   15 S. af. Tr.
+   7 M   Eunurchus
+   8 Tu  Nat. B.V.M.
+   9 W   B. Flodden
+  10 Th  B. Quesnoy
+  11 F   S. of Delhi
+  12 S   O.P. Riots
+  13 S   16 S. af. Tr.
+  14 M   Holy Cross
+  15 Tu  B. Rajghur
+  16 W   Jas. II. d.
+  17 Th  Lambert
+  18 F   Geo. I. land.
+  19 S   B. Poitiers
+  20 S   17 S. af. Tr.
+  21 M   St. Matth.
+  22 Tu  Virgil d.
+  23 W   Autn. Q. b.
+  24 Th  S. Butler d.
+  25 F   Porson d.
+  26 S   St. Cyprian
+  27 S   18 S. af. Tr.
+  28 M   Nicopolis
+  29 Tu  Mich. Day
+  30 W   St. Jerome
+
+
+  OCTOBER xxxi Days.
+
+   1 Th  Cam. M.T. b.
+   2 F   Arago d.
+   3 S   S.r. 6 h. 6 m.
+   4 S   19 S. af. Tr.
+   5 M   S.s. 5 h. 28 m.
+   6 Tu  Faith
+   7 W   Abp. Laud b.
+   8 Th  B. Actium
+   9 F   St. Denys
+  10 S   Ox. M.T. b.
+  11 S   20 S. af. Tr.
+  12 M   America d.
+  13 Tu  Edw. Conf.
+  14 W   B. Senlac
+  15 Th  Fire Ins. ex.
+  16 F   Soissons t.
+  17 S   Etheldreda
+  18 S   21 S. af. Tr.
+  19 M   Kneller d.
+  20 Tu  B. Navarino
+  21 W   Trafalgar
+  22 Th  B. Edge Hill
+  23 F   Irish Reb.
+  24 S   P. Leigh d.
+  25 S   22 S. af. Tr.
+  26 M   Danton b.
+  27 Tu  Cap. Cook b.
+  28 W   J. Locke d.
+  29 Th  J. Leech d.
+  30 F   Tower brnt.
+  31 S   All Hallows
+
+
+  NOVEMBER xxx Days.
+
+   1 S   23 S. af. Tr.
+   2 M   All Souls
+   3 Tu  Fall of Acre
+   4 W   Will. III. b.
+   5 Th  S.r. 7 h. 3 m.
+   6 F   S.s. 4 h. 23 m.
+   7 S   B. Mooltan
+   8 S   24 S. af. Tr.
+   9 M   P. of Wls. b.
+  10 Tu  M. Luther b.
+  11 W   St. Martin
+  12 Th  Hf. qr. Day
+  13 F   Britius
+  14 S   Leibnitz d.
+  15 S   25 S. af. Tr.
+  16 M   J. Bright b.
+  17 Tu  Hugh Bp. L.
+  18 W   Wilkie b.
+  19 Th  B. Arcola
+  20 F   Ld. Elgin d.
+  21 S   J. Hogg d.
+  22 S   26 S. af. Tr.
+  23 M   St. Clemen.
+  24 Tu  J. Knox d.
+  25 W   Chantrey d.
+  26 Th  G. Grisi d.
+  27 F   De. Teck b.
+  28 S   Bunsen d.
+  29 S   1 S. in Adv.
+  30 M   Burnand b.]
+
+
+  DECEMBER xxxi Days.
+
+   1 Tu  Prs. Wls. b.
+   2 W   B. Austerl.
+   3 Th  Bradbury b.
+   4 F   Richelieu d.
+   5 S   S.r. 7 h. 51 m.
+   6 S   2 S. in Adv.
+   7 M   S.s. 3 h. 50 m.
+   8 Tu  Baxter d.
+   9 W   Vandyke d.
+  10 Th  Milton b.
+  11 F   Jno. Gay d.
+  12 S   Cibber d.
+  13 S   3 S. in Adv.
+  14 M   P. Cons. d.
+  15 Tu  I. Walton d.
+  16 W   V. Weber b.
+  17 Th  Oxf. M.T. e.
+  18 F   D. 7 h. 46 m.
+  19 S   Cam. M.T. e.
+  20 S   4 S. in Adv.
+  21 M   St. Thomas
+  22 Tu  Win. Q. b.
+  23 W   Jas. II. abd.
+  24 Th  Christ. Eve
+  25 F   Christ. Day
+  26 S   Bk. Holiday
+  27 S   Sun. af. Chr.
+  28 M   Innocents
+  29 Tu  Stafford ex.
+  30 W   Pegu anxd.
+  31 Th  Silvester
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.
+
+(_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTER
+TO-MORROW._)
+
+EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.--Reserved gallows seats,
+immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying
+struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession;
+Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas.
+(8.30 A.M.)
+
+TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner.
+Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few
+special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack"
+luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the
+Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play
+during the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in
+their places not later than 10.30.)
+
+GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.--Additional
+Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals
+from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all
+Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.)
+Old Newgate. Mediaeval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution
+Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments
+inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6.30.)
+_Auto-da-Fe_ at 2.30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under
+eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One
+Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies,
+passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.)
+
+PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S
+ROOMS.--Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under
+the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting
+struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.)
+
+BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.--Full Spanish Programme this day.
+Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors
+killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra
+fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL
+SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. to L5 5s. Specially Reserved
+Front Seats for Ladies, L7 7s. (3 P.M., and 8.30.)
+
+IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.--Phonographic
+Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals.
+Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially).
+Reports of Cases tried _in Camera_. Private Conversations of parties
+to _Causes Celebres_, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and
+Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.)
+
+PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.--NOW open daily. Admission by private card
+only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). Two
+Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in
+Special Art Sanctum, L10 10s. (10 till 4 only.)
+
+GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon
+of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a
+Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!!
+Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders
+and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and
+Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence
+at 8.
+
+  Moving in Society at 9!      Great Toilet Scene at 9.30!
+  The Blood-Bath at 10.45!    Death Dance Tableau at 11.5!
+                                  Carriages at 11.10!
+
+Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still
+crowded with the _elite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.
+
+_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en
+route_.
+
+_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at
+Dover. Triumphant progress to London.
+
+_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom
+of the City.
+
+_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and
+unlimited hospitality.
+
+_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations.
+
+_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of
+distinguished conduct.
+
+_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures.
+
+_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which
+now begins to empty.
+
+_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.
+
+_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to
+the papers, and sensational journalism generally.
+
+_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges,
+counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please,
+strongly recommended row.
+
+_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme)
+and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry
+Christmas and a Happy New Year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.
+
+_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia.
+
+_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican.
+
+_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home.
+
+_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa.
+
+_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt.
+
+_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.
+
+_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends
+meet.
+
+_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election.
+
+_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule.
+
+_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics.
+
+_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_.
+
+_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.
+
+_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties,
+and get through his official work.
+
+_And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a
+century.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.--Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT
+contemplate giving another _Matinee_ of that out-of-date play, _The
+Lady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_?
+No extra charge for this suggestion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.--Police Protection to TIM HEALY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY.
+
+    SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs
+    are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all
+    kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while
+    the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded
+    corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in
+    whispers._
+
+_Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_).
+No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide on
+something--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting
+impatient! (_To the Ladies_.) Do come and help; it's really no
+use dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't
+_anybody_ think of a good Word?
+
+_Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the
+same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange,
+and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy!
+
+_Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first.
+Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over
+_there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your
+heads together?
+
+_Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh,
+ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words.
+
+_Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!
+
+    [_They resume their conversation._
+
+_Mr. Wh._ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_
+give us a Word?
+
+_Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think of
+something clever!
+
+_Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so little
+experience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred to
+me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet
+with approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through his
+spectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous."
+
+_Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that?
+
+_Mr. Wh._ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_?
+
+_Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which
+has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ are
+termed--
+
+_Mr. Wh._ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only
+one seed-lobe myself--and then the
+syllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before
+_midnight_, you know!
+
+_Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as a
+suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was
+wrong; no doubt.
+
+_Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. How
+would--er--"_Familiar_" do?
+
+_Mr. Wh._ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footle
+like this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_.
+
+_Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_!
+
+_Mr. Wh._ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge."
+How do you see it yourself?
+
+    [_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see
+    it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop._
+
+_Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_
+"Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_," you know. [_Chorus of applause._
+
+_Mr. Wh._ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS!
+
+_Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that,
+you know, and you said--!
+
+_Mr. Wh._ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it,
+so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud._) How are we
+going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet,
+and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot
+of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the
+Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it.
+
+    [_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat
+    inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by
+    way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn
+    themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more
+    care for appearances._
+
+AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE.
+
+    _The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by
+    faint applause_.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response._)
+You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others.
+You let me do everything!
+
+_Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in!
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now
+then--"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one
+by one, and say you're _ill_--see?
+
+    [_Attires himself for the role of a Physician in a
+    dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet._
+
+_Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with
+the audience--I'm no use _here_!
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential
+butler, and show the patients in.
+
+    [_Mr. W. accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that
+    other people can act as well as he._
+
+AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was no
+necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A
+Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much!
+
+_Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put
+some fun in _somewhere_!
+
+_Mr. P._ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it.
+Nobody laughed.
+
+_Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was
+describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically
+correct--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was
+unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful!
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were
+a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview
+short, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour.
+
+_Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to
+ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to
+them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you
+again.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets
+carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c.,
+&c.--_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_.) Now then--last
+syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and
+all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that
+screamingly funny!
+
+AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.
+
+_Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all called
+me a liar before I opened my mouth!
+
+_The Rest_.--But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ to
+bring the Word in somehow.
+
+_Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. There
+was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We
+must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again
+(_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't
+understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!
+
+AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.
+
+_General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, or
+Magician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give it
+up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't,
+they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_
+drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed,
+we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_
+well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after it
+all. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear Miss
+ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a
+bit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take?
+
+_Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn't
+wanted, you know.
+
+_Miss Rose_. Not to _act_,--so we stayed outside and--and--arranged
+things.
+
+_An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the
+pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.
+
+_Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ it
+much.
+
+_The O.L._ And which of you settled what the Word was to be?
+
+_Mr. N._ Well, I believe we settled that together.
+
+    [_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not
+    of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON
+    discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the
+    other men, and puts it down to jealousy._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.
+
+We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel
+Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may
+it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the
+bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we
+Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and
+weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I next
+perposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ort
+for to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good deal
+of atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn't
+quite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly,
+was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred
+all about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting
+to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion,
+of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners
+of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause
+a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit
+a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel
+diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed
+in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with
+which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore
+Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin
+the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is
+anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons.
+
+Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the reckless
+ordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as how
+as he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was to
+hintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudely
+called us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manly
+employment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him,
+more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alone
+his boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing with
+his capital voice, his new Song of "_Old Robert the Waiter_" being a
+rayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "_Old Simon the
+Cellerer_," which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as an
+arncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of "_Mynear Van Dunk_," with its
+fine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish.
+
+BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by singing
+his new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life," and we sort our
+seweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as his Lordship
+hisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the follering
+sentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May all the well
+to do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus as
+we have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and a
+liberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly wants it this
+bitter weather." ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy.]
+
+MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY JERUM,"
+is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled
+_Told After Supper_. What he wants, that is, what he ought to have
+whether he wants it or not, is judicious editing. Had this process
+been applied to this eccentric haphazardy book, scarcely more than
+a third of it would have been published. "His style, in this book
+at least, and, for my part," says the Baron, "I say the same of his
+_Three Men in a Tub_, suggests the idea of his writing being the work
+of a young man who, among his companions and admirers, has earned the
+reputation of being a 'deuced funny chap,' and so has to struggle to
+live up to this reputation, or to live it down." JERUMKY JERUM still
+somewhat affects Yankee humour, not, however, in so forced and vulgar
+a manner as in his overpraised _Three Men in a Boat_. Two of the Ghost
+Stories are humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had they
+been introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a very
+palpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter's
+night) brought in his story of _Tom Smart_, and of the inimitable
+_Gabriel Grub_, their mirth-raising value would have been considerably
+enhanced. As it is, these choice morsels--sandwich'd in between heavy
+slabs of doughy material--stand a chance of not being tasted. To
+anyone who comes across the book the Baron says, "read about the
+Curate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and EMILY. The tinted paper on
+which it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurish
+illustrations."
+
+[Illustration: Goblins.]
+
+_WOMAN_--not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"--nor woman who in
+our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But Woman,
+the weekly _Woman_ who is doing uncommonly well and in her fifty-third
+number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea of a Christmas
+dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very good and simple
+dinner it was. The same _Woman_ gave also, among a variety of
+next-day's treatments of Turkey, _Turkey in Aspic_, Turkey in Europe,
+and Turkey in Asia--yes--but what about "Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn't
+look well; much better in French. But we dare say it's very good,
+though, for breakfast or supper, "devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat."
+
+I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested me
+muchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his writings,
+though I do not remember ever having heard the titles of his works
+mentioned, that, when a neat-looking volume was sent me by Messrs.
+PATERSON & Co. of _Leigh Hunt's Tales_, I anticipated great pleasure
+from their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in anticipation. I
+have tried, as the song says, "A little bit here, and a little bit
+there--Here a bit, There a bit, And everywhere a bit,"--but, hang me,
+says the Baron, if I can tackle any one of them. The matter doesn't
+interest me, and the style doesn't fascinate me. This may be rank
+heresy, but I can't help it. I have tried, and failed. Well, better to
+have tried, and failed, than never to have tried at all. But I shan't
+try again,--at least, not on this collection of Tales.
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--A good collection of pictures and
+sculpture--including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, ALFRED
+GILBERT, W.L. WYLLIE, and others--is on view at the Royal Arcade
+Gallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for the benefit of the
+family of R.A. LEDWARD, the clever young sculptor, who died only a few
+weeks ago. Lots more to say, but you won't stand it, and will probably
+say, "_Par! si bete_!" So no more at present from yours par-entally,
+OLD PAR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION.--A Sheriff's Officer: a
+Writ-ualist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FORECAST FOR 1891.
+
+(_BEING SOME EXTRACTS FROM THE GLOOMY OUTLOOKER'S DIARY._)
+
+[Illustration: _Old Sol_. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!"
+
+_Mr. P._ "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"]
+
+_January_.--Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter." London
+"snowed up." Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, the
+fare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being L2 15s. Milk, 10s. the
+half-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to secure
+the last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out the
+Guards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of coals.
+The Three per Cents go down to 35.
+
+_February_.--Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolis
+makes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, crosses
+Regent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large centre
+terminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a mile in
+Piccadilly.
+
+_March_.--Football atrocities on the increase. A match is played
+at the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine Cracking
+Wanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen are
+carried on stretchers to the nearest hospital.
+
+_April_.--Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of large
+metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen
+waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire
+brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish
+the flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the
+holders of gas shares.
+
+_May_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute stage. The
+"Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" being patted on
+the back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, and seize the
+Stock Exchange and the Mansion House.
+
+_June_.--The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuter
+stage, 20,000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank of
+England, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporation
+to celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, in
+returning thanks for the "Arts and Sciences," says he thinks "the
+takings" of their hosts must have been "enormous."
+
+_July_.--Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. Triumphant
+return of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed themselves
+immensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to having another
+innings at "the way out."
+
+_August_.--The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing to
+stimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of the
+hundred-ton guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends a
+shell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but,
+bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance of
+a letter in the _Times_ from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that the
+matter will be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department.
+
+_September_.--A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several Hotchkiss
+guns with their guests asked down to the shooting, exceed the known
+figures of any previous _battue_ to such an extent that birds sell
+in Bond Street at _3d_. a brace, with the result that the whole of
+Scotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the next seven
+years.
+
+_October_.--The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to be got
+anywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food"
+crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bring
+up their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill them
+professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with
+gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, for which proceedings
+they are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for the
+Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
+
+_November_.--The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several
+Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their
+immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a
+very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public.
+
+_December_.--First signs of a probable second edition of a "good
+old-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence.
+Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, only
+frustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891
+terminates in gloomy despair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWIN AND ANGELINA.
+
+(_ONE MORE VERSION._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I beg of you to hear my tale of woe,
+  My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know;
+  How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted,
+  And I am left to shed a tear--alone, and broken-hearted.
+
+  We were engaged for eighteen months--he often said that life
+  Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife.
+  My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle,"
+  He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle!
+
+  I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea--
+  She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me.
+  I thought him quite a model youth--hard-working, loyal, steady,
+  A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY.",
+
+  Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known
+  Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own."
+  It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely,
+  Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only."
+
+  The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm,
+  I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm;
+  So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever,
+  But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever."
+
+  He only called me darling once! how different from before!
+  Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)?
+  And was he tired of me--the girl he loved so fondly, dearly?
+  It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely."
+
+  Yes--was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove?
+  You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love!
+  I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly,
+  That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely."
+
+  Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast
+  Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best;
+  And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly,
+  But it _was_ more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly."
+
+  The truth was clear--I quickly sent him back his lovely _cartes_,
+  His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts.
+  I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried--
+  And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married.
+
+  So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know,
+  You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go.
+  And if you know, dear _Mr. Punch_, a husband, say you've seen a
+  Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is
+
+  ANGELINA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?--Under the beneficent influence
+of the early coal dews--subsequently spelt coal dues--which have
+existed from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan Improvements
+have sprung up into existence. Now, thanks to ignorant, but
+well-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues being abolished, up
+goes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there is no surplus
+for improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of coal dues were
+considered "hard times," then sing we, in chorus, "Hard times, come
+again once more!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIG-STICKING.
+
+_Little Prigson_. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOST
+OBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS SISTAH'S _QUITE_ THE
+NICEST GIRL I EVER MET."
+
+_Aunt Eliza_. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU _MIGHT_ HAVE
+HAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF
+_PRESENT COMPANY_!"
+
+_Cousin Maud_. "YES; IN _BOTH_ CASES, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
+
+_Mr. Punch, loquitur_:--
+
+  A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy,
+    Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily,
+  'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy,
+      At least, you're beginning most merrily.
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  You make a good start, anyhow.
+    With a kiss from the lips that can never betray,
+    There's many a girl would be greeted _that_ way!
+
+  You're welcome, my lad! It is _Punch's_ old style
+    To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers;
+  In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile,
+      _His_ warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers!
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow.
+    He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl,
+    Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul.
+
+  _Sursum corda_! That motto's the best of the bunch;
+    Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker.
+  Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from _Punch_,
+      Never helped one in heart or exchequer,
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  You cannot do better, I vow,
+    Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule,
+    As your very first tip in your very first school.
+
+  Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad?
+    And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus,
+  Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad.
+      How well the Venusian knows us!
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  _He_ never kissed maid, but somehow
+    Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine
+    With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine.
+
+  No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch,
+    (Though sometimes my _baton_ must play--on rogues' shoulders.)
+  Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch
+      By Orbilian smiters and scolders.
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  A kiss is best treatment, I trow.
+    A salute from the lips of your _Punch_ you'll not spurn,
+    And the young guests around you shall each take a turn.
+
+  The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear,
+    There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon,
+  But--well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year
+      As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on.
+                  Under the Mistletoe Bough
+                  You look mighty kissable--now.
+    So here goes another, for luck like, my dear,
+    As we wish everybody A Happy New Year!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD MORALITY'S CHRISTMAS CARD AND NEW YEAR WISHES.
+
+This communication is designed to convey the expression of the wish
+that on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those not
+distantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed a season
+of Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve months,
+upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with Happiness.
+(_Signed_) W.H.S.
+
+_Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve_, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the title and
+name of BISHOP KING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE."
+
+"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I propose to make a few
+additions to my usual forensic costume."--_Extract from a Letter of
+Mr. Welnown Kewsee, Q.C., to a young Friend_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
+
+To a Friend,
+
+  Do you remember how we sat,
+    We two, in this same room together
+  Last year, and talked of this and that,
+    And warmed our toes and cursed the weather?
+
+  And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud
+    (We both smoked briars, I remember),
+  And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed
+    To do or die ere next December?
+
+  We spoke without respect of BEN,
+    BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly;
+  _Now_ BEN bamboozles jurymen,
+    And makes his thousand guineas yearly.
+
+  We both despised the wretched JOE,
+    My fag at school, your butt at College.
+  Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow,
+    Choked with absurdly useful knowledge.
+
+  Yet JOE assists to give us laws,
+    Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form,
+  'Midst empty thunders of applause,
+    Erect on many a Tory platform.
+
+  And poor, inconsequential JACK,
+    His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's,
+  Has married money, keeps a hack,
+    And has a big account at COUTTS's.
+
+  TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square,
+    And DICK is noted for his dinners--
+  Life is a race, but was it fair,
+    We asked, that _these_ should be the winners?
+
+  We, too, would win; and Heaven knows
+    What vows we uttered fiery-hearted,
+  While '89 drew to its close,
+    And '90 found us--so we parted.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  And here, good lack, while '90 wanes,
+    Our candles flaring in their sockets,
+  We sit once more and count our gains--
+    Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets.
+
+  Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends;
+    Men prate of wealth in empty words, I
+  Sit here content as '90 ends.
+    And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ADVERTISERS.
+
+SEASONABLE.
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating and explosive Stimulant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal Restorer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping baby instantly flying out of the
+cradle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid Grandfather suddenly mount to the
+fifth storey by leaps and bounds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate influenza.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache into delirium.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows up the brain tissues.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole household on the sneeze.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever in the Infant School.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the Hippopotamus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief Justice off the Bench.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the dentist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop dancing a break-down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher into a Lunatic Asylum.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising Politician.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation of the Prime Minister.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler cab-horse win the Derby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor for Practical Jokers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely relied on by Master TOMMY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into the Soup at a dinner-party, will
+lead to a serious riot in the dining-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in a sandwich, will choke an Uncle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general disorganiser of every Household.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--A Pinch will thoroughly banish sleep for a whole
+fortnight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--"An Octogenarian Consumer" writes:--"I was in a
+comatose condition for twenty years, when I came across your Pepper.
+I had scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my arm-chair, and have
+danced a continual fandango ever since. I carry it loose in all my
+pockets, and scatter it on all my friends whenever I meet them. This
+has got me kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I do not in the
+least mind. I'm as merry and as mad as a March hare--and your Pepper
+has done it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.--The Proprietors beg to inform their Friends and
+Patrons that they can supply this highly combustible and explosive
+compound in felt safety cases, carefully packed at their bomb-proof
+establishment in Barking Marshes, at the usual retail prices, viz.,
+1s. 1-1/2d., 2s. 9d., 11s., 21s., and 31s. 6d., &c, &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY.
+
+[Illustration: Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time.]
+
+Dear Mr. Punch,--I venture to address you on a subject that I feel
+sure will enlist your kind attention and sympathy. How am I to get
+through Yule Tide? Ought I to give up the dispatch of "cards," or
+ought I to send them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances?
+If I drop the custom, people who like me will think I am outting them,
+and persons with whom I am less popular will imagine that economy,
+not to say meanness, is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post
+Office. Suppose that I "hang the expense," and _do_ send the cards.
+Well, I am in this position; it is a matter of the greatest difficulty
+to get a suitable greeting to all those who receive my annual
+benediction. If I have "Wishing you and yours every happiness," with
+my appended name and address lithographed, the greeting seems cold,
+and even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a favourite Maiden Aunt;
+and unduly familiar if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for the
+first time in my life the day before yesterday. Then if I trust to the
+ordinary Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at a loss to select
+an appropriate recipient for a nestful of owls, or the picture of
+a Clown touching up an elderly gentleman of highly respectable
+appearance with a red-hot poker! If I get a representation of
+flowers, the chances are ten to one that the accompanying lines are
+of a compromising character. It is obviously cruel to send to a
+recently-widowed Uncle some verses about "_Darby and Joan_," and my
+Mother-in-law is not likely to feel complimented if I forward to her a
+poetically expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter place than
+her own home--away, of course, from her Son-in-law! And yet these
+are the problems that meet the would-be Yule Tide card distributer at
+every turn! I remain, my dear _Mr. Punch_, yours sincerely,
+
+ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW.
+
+P.S.--If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed the
+postal arrangements.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UNITED SERVICE DIARY FOR 1891.
+
+[Illustration: Extremes Meet.]
+
+_January to March_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.
+
+_April to June_.--Soldiers at play. Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants
+reading the morning paper.
+
+_July to September_.--Soldiers at sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors at
+play (_ditto_). Civil Servants away (_ditto_).
+
+_October to December_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil
+Servants reading the morning paper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOLLIES OF THE YEAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE LATEST STYLE.
+
+(_BY OUR INTREPID INTERVIEWER._)
+
+Feeling that your readers would be interested in learning Mr. CHOSE's
+own view of the unpleasant affair, I called upon the distinguished
+Arctic Explorer just as he was sitting down to breakfast.
+
+"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I asked, "that you stole the
+umbrellas?"
+
+The face of the warrior flushed angrily, for a moment, and then
+regaining his composure, he replied that he could not see the point of
+possessing himself of articles that would be absolutely valueless in
+those extremely northern latitudes.
+
+"That is not the question," I persisted. "I am sure you will forgive
+me, when you remember that I speak in the name of the Public; but what
+I want, and what they want to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas?
+Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No."
+
+"I don't see what either you or they have to do with it," replied
+the Arctic Explorer, cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a
+matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do with any of the luggage
+of the expedition. So, if it is said, that I walked about with a
+shower-protector that was not my own, you can value the story for what
+it is worth. Why, on the very face of it, the report is ridiculous!"
+
+"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the world is uncharitable. However,
+Mr. CHOSE, perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your friend and
+colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted an aged Esquimaux into what he termed
+Iced Greenlander?"
+
+'I have heard the story, certainly; but cannot say whether it is
+true or not. When the incident is alleged to have happened, I was in
+another part of the country, having been sent there to change novels
+at the local circulating library."
+
+"But would you say it was probable?"
+
+"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, chivalrous, merry,
+gladsome, gallant young fellow. He was the soul of honour. Why," he
+added, with deep emotion, "I have left as much as fourpence in coppers
+on a mantel-piece alone with him, and on my return nave found every
+halfpenny of the money untouched!"
+
+"Then do you not think he pushed the old man into the
+sausage-machine?"
+
+"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, or to win a
+wager, or perhaps as practical joke. That he would do anything open
+to censure at the hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely
+incredible. Why, he is a Loamshire man!"
+
+"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have finished
+your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. Is it
+true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, stifled
+your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?"
+
+The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said
+something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated.
+
+"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking
+pockets? And when it is said that you were turned out of a Club for
+cheating at cards--"
+
+But at this point I was assisted to take my leave with so much
+abruptness, that I was forced to leave my last question but partially
+formulated. On finding myself once more in the street, I noticed that
+I was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however,
+my hat was thrown after me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET.
+
+[Illustration: HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TO
+SHAKSPEARE.]
+
+"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!"
+
+_Note_.--Shakespeare was the originator of the aesthetic expression
+"Too, too."
+
+[Illustration: _Queen_. "He's fat, and scant of breath,<br /> Here,
+Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POLITICS UP TO DATE.
+
+(_SPECIMEN LEADER FROM AN IRISH PAPER IN A CHRONIC STATE OF
+REVOLUTION._)
+
+WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.--We appear this morning awaiting the future with
+confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal
+on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the
+enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours
+of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may
+arrive when this policy may be reversed. The hour may come--
+
+10 A.M.--It has! We have much pleasure in informing our readers that,
+after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), we
+have conquered. This paper is in our hands, and henceforward we shall
+support, to the best of our ability, the Leader of the Party, and
+denounce the infamous pretensions of his opponents; still, it would
+be unwise to ignore the possibilities of the future. We may be
+overpowered by a tyrannical majority. The time may come--
+
+11 A.M.--It has! Hurroo! It was hard fighting to get back; but here
+we are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents.
+For the moment we are victorious, but who shall prophesy what may be
+looming in the distant ages? The hour may come--
+
+12 NOON.--It has! And now that we have again taken possession, we
+must say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs were
+flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions,
+and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row
+entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, and
+his opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be
+foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come--
+
+1 P.M.--It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have just
+slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-pots
+flew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we make
+our remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happening
+hereafter. The hour may come--
+
+2 P.M.--It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys!
+This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--we
+mean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo!
+
+    [_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not
+    otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else
+    starts a rival and "suppressed" edition._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.
+
+_January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was
+created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the
+Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this
+out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away
+if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock
+teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours
+of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On
+the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of
+PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to
+SHERIDAN.
+
+_February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival.
+Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This
+said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical
+luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary
+missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This
+capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they
+laugh until the end of the month.
+
+_March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you
+take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a
+jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the
+turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a
+hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe
+"1801?--the year of my birth!"
+
+_April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_
+Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the
+_Times_.
+
+_May_.--You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty
+date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and
+explain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's
+Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit
+a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebrated
+songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles from
+London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps
+venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like
+"lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expect
+any one to laugh.
+
+_June_.--The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and
+there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's
+Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" are
+few and far between, according to WHITAKER.
+
+_July_.--Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is
+also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the
+victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause merriment
+amongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desert
+islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On the 24th the Window
+Tax was abolished, of which you may say that although a priceless boon
+it was only a _light_ relief. If you can only introduce this really
+clever _bon mot_ into a speech at a wedding breakfast, a railway
+indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure
+to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in
+founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement
+is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be
+tolerated in a mourning coach.
+
+_August_.--On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves
+were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they
+husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a
+clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the
+Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up of an
+infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to
+which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be
+appropriately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." This will be
+found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary
+Royal Academician living in retirement.
+
+_September_.--On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences.
+Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without
+loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord
+Chancellor born in 1825--the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-_bury_.
+A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay
+time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly
+called "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may
+possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or
+the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial
+hospitality at five o'clock tea.
+
+_October_.--FIELDING, the novelist, _bowled out_ on the 8th in
+1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th--an awful example to habitual
+drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story
+about the Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot _peasants_ instead!
+This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians who
+have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.
+
+[Illustration: ALWAYS ENTERTAINING;
+
+OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!]
+
+_November_.--Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs about
+having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take the
+chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. Lord Mayor's Day on
+the 9th--opportunity for letting off "the Mayor the merrier," "L10,000
+a Mayor's Nest-egg," &c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular--the
+infliction is too serious for jocularity!
+
+_December_.--Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that most
+melancholy of persons "the funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reaches
+the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two!
+With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a
+Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPROPRIATE.--Sir,--Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal
+case than appeared in the _Times_ Law Report, December 20th, and which
+was entitled "_The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre_ v. _The Justices
+of Lancashire_?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a _Bab
+Ballad_ in a Pantomime.
+
+  _Solo_. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor
+  _Chorus_. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee;
+  _Solo_. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare,
+  _Chorus_. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee.
+
+Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be
+serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
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+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100., January 3, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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