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diff --git a/old/old/twgts10.txt b/old/old/twgts10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2448f98 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old/twgts10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2106 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Water Goats et. al. by Butler + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + + + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES +BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + + +BY THE SAME AUTHOR + + +Pigs is Pigs + +The Great American Pie Company + +Mike Flannery On Duty and off + +The Thin Santa Claus + +That Pup, Kilo, etc. + + + + + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + +BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + +CONTENTS + +I. THE WATER GOATS +II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS +III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + + + +I +THE WATER GOATS + + +"And then," said the landscape gardener, combing his silky, +pointed beard gently with his long, artistic fingers, "in the +lake you might have a couple of gondolas. Two would be sufficient +for a lake of this size; amply sufficient. Yes," he said firmly, +"I would certainly advise gondolas. They look well, and the +children like to ride on them. And so do the adults. I would have +two gondolas in the lake." + +Mayor Dugan and the City Council, meeting as a committee of the +whole to receive the report of the landscape gardener and his +plan for the new public park, nodded their heads sagely. + +"Sure!" said Mayor Dugan. "We want two of thim--of thim gon-- +thim gon--" + +"Gondolas," said the landscape gardener. "Sure!" said Mayor +Dugan, "we want two of thim. Remimber th' gondolas, Toole." + +"I have thim fast in me mind," said Toole. "I will not let +thim git away, Dugan." + +The landscape gardener stood a minute in deep thought, looking +at the ceiling. + +"Yes, that is all!" he said. "My report, and the plan, and what +I have mentioned, will be all you need." + +Then he shook hands with the mayor and with all the city +councilmen and left Jeffersonville forever, going back to New +York where landscape gardeners grow, and the doors were opened +and the committee of the whole became once more the regular +meeting of the City Council. + +The appropriation for the new park was rushed through in twenty +minutes, passing the second and third readings by the reading of +the title under a suspension of the by-laws, and being +unanimously adopted. It was a matter of life and death with Mayor +Dugan and his ring. Jeffersonville was getting tired of the +joyful grafters, and murmurs of discontent were concentrating +into threats of a reform party to turn the cheerful rascals out. +The new park was to be a sop thrown to the populace--something to +make the city proud of itself and grateful to its mayor and +council. It was more than a pet scheme of Mayor Dugan, it was a +lifeboat for the ring. In half an hour the committees had been +appointed, and the mayor turned to the regular business. Then +from his seat at the left of the last row little Alderman Toole +arose. + +"Misther Mayor," he said, "how about thim--thim don--thim don-- +"Golas!" whispered Alderman Grevemeyer hoarsely, "dongolas." + +"How about thim dongolas, Misther Mayor?" asked Alderman Toole. + +"Sure!" said the mayor. "Will annyone move that we git two +dongolas t' put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on? Will annyone +move that Alderman Toole be a conmittee of wan t' git two +dongolas t' put in th' lake?" + +"I make dot motions," said Alderman Greveneyer, half raising +his great bulk from his seat and sinking back with a grunt. + +"Sicond th' motion," said Alderman Toole. + +"Moved and siconded," said the mayor, "that Alderman Toole be a +committee t' buy two dongolas t' put in th' lake for th' kids t' +ride on. Ye have heard th' motion." + +The motion was unanimously carried. That was the kind of City +Council Mayor Dugan had chosen. + +When little Alderman Toole dropped into Casey's saloon that +night on his way home he did not slip meekly to the far end of +the bar, as he usually did. For the first time in his aldermanic +career he had been put on a committee where he would really have +something to do, and he felt the honour. He boldly took a place +between the big mayor and Alderman Grevemeyer, and said: "One of +th' same, Casey," with the air of a man who has matters of +importance on his mind. He felt that things were coming his way. +Even the big mayor seemed to appreciate it, for he put his hand +affectionately on Toole's shoulder. + +"Mike," said the mayor, "about thim dongolas, now; have ye +thought anny about where ye would be gettin' thim?" + +"I have not," said Toole. "I was thinkin' 'twould be good t' +think it over a bit, Dugan. Mebby 'twould be best t' git thim at +Chicagy." He looked anxiously at the mayor's face, hoping for +some sign of approval or disapproval, but the mayor's face was +noncommittal. "But mebby it wouldn't," concluded Toole. As a +feeler he added: "Would ye be wantin' me t' have thim made here, +Dugan?" + +The big mayor patted Toole on the shoulder indulgently. + +"It's up t' you, Mike," he said. "Ye know th' way Dugan does +things, an' th' way he likes thim done. I trust thim that I kin +trust, an' whin I put a man on committee I'm done wid th' thing. +Of coorse," he added, putting his mouth close to Toole's ear, and +winking at Grevemeyer, "ye will see that there is a rake-off for +me an' th' byes." + +"Sure!" said Toole. + +The big mayor turned back to the bar and took a drink from his +glass. Grevemeyer took a drink from his glass, also. So did +Toole, gravely. Dugan wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and +turned to Toole again. + +"Mike," he said, "what do ye think? Mebby 'twould do as well t' +git a couple of sicond-hand dongolas an' have thim painted up. If +they was in purty good shape no wan would know th' difference, +an' 'twould make a bit more rake-off fer th' byes, mebby." + +"Th' same word was on th' ind o' me tongue, Dugan," said Toole, +nodding his head slowly. "I was considerin' this very minute +where I could lay me hand on a couple of purty good dongolas that +has not been used much. Flannagan could paint thim up fine!" + +"Or Stoltzenau could do such paintings," interposed Grevemeyer. + +"Sure!" agreed the big mayor. He toyed with his glass a moment. +"Mike," he said suddenly, "what th' divil is a dongola, anyhow?" + +Mike Toole was just raising his glass to his lips with the +movements of one accustomed to hold conversation with the mayor. +His left hand rested on his hip, with his arm akimbo, and his hat +was tipped carelessly to the back of his head. The hand raising +his glass stopped short where it was when he heard the mayor's +question. He frowned at the glass--scowled at it angrily. + +"A dongola, Dugan"--he said slowly, and stopped. "A dongola"-- +he repeated. "A dongola--did ye ask me what a dongola might be, +Dugan?" + +The big mayor nodded, and Grevemeyer leaned forward to catch +the answer. Casey, too, leaned on his bar and listened. Alderman +Toole raised his glass to his lips and filled his mouth with the +liquor. Instantly he dashed the glass furiously to the floor. He +jerked off his hat and cast it into a far corner and pulled off +his coat, throwing it after his hat. He was climbing on to the +bar when the big mayor and Grevemeyer laid their hands on the +little man and held him tightly. The big mayor shook him once and +set him on the floor. + +"Mike!" said the big mayor. "What's th' matter wid ye? What are +ye goin' afther Casey that way for? Is it crazy ye are? Or have +ye gone insane?" + +"Knock-out drops!" shouted Toole, shaking his fist at Casey, +who looked down at him in astonishment. "Knock-out drops! I will +have th' law on ye, Casey. I will have th' joint closed! I'll +teach ye t' be givin' knock-out drops t' th' aldermin of th' +city!" + +"Mike!" cried the big mayor, giving him another vigorous shake. +"Shut up wid ye! Casey wouldn't be givin' ye annything that +wasn't good for ye. Casey wouldn't be givin' ye knock-out drops." + +"No?" whispered Mike angrily. "No? Wouldn't he, Dugan? An' what +has he done t' me mimory, then, Dugan? What has he put in th' +drink t' rob me of me mimory? Wan minute ago I knew as well anny +other man what a dongola is like, an' now I have no mimory of +anny dongolas at all. Wan minute ago I could have told ye th' +whole history of dongolas, from th' time of Adam up till now, an' +have drawed a picture of wan that annywan could recognize--an' +now I wouldn't know wan if ye was show it t' me! I was about t' +tell ye th' whole history of dongolas, Dugan; 'twas on th' ind of +me tongue t' give ye a talk on dongolas, whin I took a drink. Ye +saw me take a drink, Grevemeyer?" + +"Ya!" said Grevemeyer. nodding his head solemnly. "You took +such a drink!" + +"Sure," said Toole, arranging his vest. "Grevemeyer saw me take +th' drink--an now I have no mimory of dongolas at all. If ye was +t' show me a chromo of wan I wouldn't know was it a dongola or +what. I'm ashamed of ye, Casey!" + +"If ye done it, Casey, ye hadn't have ought t' have done it," +said Dugan reprovingly. "Th' mind of him might be ruined +intirely." + +"Stop, Dugan!" said Toole hastily. "I forgive him. Me mind will +likely be all right by mornin'. 'Tis purty good yit, ixcipt on +th' subjict of dongolas. I'm timporarily out of remimbrance what +dongolas is. 'Tis odd how thim knock-out drops works, +Grevemeyer." + +"Ya!" said the alderman unsuspectingly, "gifing such a +forgetfulness on such easy things as dongolas." + +"Sure! You tell Dugan what dongolas is, Grevemeyer," said Toole +quickly. + +Grevemeyer looked at his glass thoughtfully. His mind worked +slowly always, but he saw that it would not do for him to have +knock-out drops so soon after Toole. + +"Ach!" he exclaimed angrily. "You are insulting to me mit such +questions Toole. So much will I tell you--never ask Germans what +is dongolas. It is not for Germans to talk about such things. +Ask Casey." + +Casey scratched his head thoughtfully. + +"Dongolas?" he repeated. "I have heard th' word, Grevemeyer. +Wait a bit! 'Tis something about shoes. Sure! I remimber, now! +'Twas dongola shoes wan of me kids had, last winter, an' no good +they were, too. Dongolas is shoes, Grevemeyer--laced shoes -- +dongolas is laced shoes." + +The big mayor leaned his head far back and laughed long and +loud. He pounded on the bar with his fist, and slapped Toole on +the back. + +"Laced shoes!" he cried, wiping his eyes, and then he became +suddenly serious. "'Twould not be shoes, Casey," he said gravely. +"Thim dongolas was ricomminded by th' landscape-gardener from New +Yorrk. 'Twould not be sinsible t' ricommind us put a pair of +laced shoes in th' park lake fer th' kids t' ride on." + +"'Twould not seem so," said Toole, shaking his head wisely. "I +wisht me mind was like it always is. 'Tis a pity--" + +"Stop!" cried Casey. "I have it! Thim was kid shoes. Thim +dongolas was kid shoes." + +"So said, Casey," said Duo'an "For th' kid." + +"No," said Casey, "of th' kid." + +"Sure!" said Gravemeyer. So it is--the shoes of the child." + +"Right fer ye!" exclaimed Casey. "Th' kid shoes of th' kid. +'Twas kid leather they were made out of, Dugan. Th' dongola is +some fancy kind of a goat. Like box-calf is th' skin of th' calf +of th' box-cow. Th' dongola is some foreign kind of a goat, +Dugan." + +"Ho, ho-o-o!" cried Toole, suddenly, knocking on his forehead +with the knuckles of his fist. The three men turned their eyes +upon him and stared. + +"What ails ye now, Mike?" asked Dugan, disgustedly. + +"Ho-o-o!" he cried again, slapping himself on the top of his +head. "Me mind is comm' back t' me, Dugan! Th' effects of th' +knock-out drops is wearin' off! I recall now that th' dongola is +some fancy kind of a goat. 'Twill all come back t' me soon. + +"Go along wid ye!" exclaimed Dugan. "Would ye be puttin' a goat +in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on?" + +"Sure!" said Toole enthusiastically. "Sure I would, Dugan. Not +th' common goat I wouldn't. But dongola goats I would. Have ye +heard of dongola water goats, Casey? Was thim dongola goat skin +shoes warranted t' be water-proof?" + +Casey wrinkled his brow. + +"'Tis like they was, Toole," he said doubtfully. "'Tis like +they was warranted t' be, but they wasn't." + +"Sure!" cried Toole joyously. " 'Tis water-proof th' skin of +th' dongola water goats is, like th' skin of th' duck. An' swim? +A duck isn't in it wid a water goat. I remimber seein' thim in +ould Ireland whin I was a bye, Dugan, swimmin in th' lake of +Killarney. Ah, 'twas a purty picture." + +"I seem t' remimber thim mesilf," he said. "Not clear, but a +bit." + +"Sure ye do!" cried Toole. "Many's the time I have rode across +th' lake on th' back of a dongola. Me own father, who was a big +man in th' ould country, used t' keep a pair of thim for us +childer. 'Twas himself fetched thim from Donnegal, Dugan. 'Twas +from Donnegal they got th' name of thim, an' 'twas th' name ye +give thim that misled me. Donnegoras was what we called thim in +th' ould counry--donnegoras from Donnegal. I remimber th' two of +thim I had whin I was a kid, Dugan--wan was a Nanny, an' wan was +a Billy, an'--" + +"Go on home, Mike," said Dugan. "Go on home an' sleep it off!" +and the little alderman from the Fourth Ward picked up his hat +and coat, and obeyed his orders. + +Instituting a new public park and seeing that in every purchase +and every contract there is a rake-off for the ring is a big job, +and between this and the fight against the rapidly increasing +strength of the reform party, Mayor Dugan had his hands more than +full. He had no time to think of dongolas, and he did not want to +think of them--Toole was the committee on dongolas, and it was +his duty to think of them, and to worry about them, if any worry +was necessary. But Toole did not worry. He sat down and wrote a +letter to his cousin Dennis, official keeper of the zoo in +Idlewild Park at Franklin, Iowa. + + +"Dear Dennis," he wrote. "Have you any dongola goats in your +menagery for I want two right away good strong ones answer right +away your affectionate cousin alderman Michael Toole." + +"Ps monny no object." + + +When Dennis Toole received this letter he walked through his +zoo and considered his animals thoughtfully. The shop-worn brown +bear would not do to fill cousin Mike's order; neither would the +weather-worn red deer nor the family of variegated tame rabbits. +The zoo of Idlewild Park at Franklin was woefully short of +dongola goats--in fact, to any but the most imaginative and +easily pleased child, it was lacking in nearly every thing that +makes a zoo a congress of the world's most rare and thrilling +creatures. After all, the nearest thing to a goat was a goat, and +goats were plenty in Franklin. Dennis felt an irresistible +longing to aid Mike--the longing that comes to any healthy man +when a request is accompanied by the legend "Money no object." He +wrote that evening to Mike. + + +"Dear Mike," he wrote. "I've got two good strong dongola goats +I can let you have cheap. I'm overstocked with dongolas to-day. I +want to get rid of two. Zoo is getting too crowded with all kinds +of animals and I don't need so many dongola goats. I will sell +you two for fifty dollars. Apiece. What do you want them for? +Your affectionate cousin, Dennis Toole, Zoo keeper. PS. Crates +extra." + + +"Casey," said Mike to his friend the saloon keeper when he +received this communication, "'tis just as I told ye--dongolas is +goats. I have been corrispondin' with wan of th' celibrated +animal men regardin' th' dongola water goat, an' I have me eye on +two of thim this very minute. But 'twill be ixpinsive, Casey, +mighty ixpinsive. Th' dongola water goat is a rare birrd, Casey. +They have become extinct in th' lakes of Ireland, an' what few of +thim is left in th' worrld is held at outrajeous prices. In th' +letter I have from th' animal man, Casey, he wants two hundred +dollars apiece for each dongola water goat, an' 'twill be no easy +thing for him t' git thim." + +"Hasn't he thim in his shop, Mike?" asked Casey. + +"He has not, Casey," said the little alderman. "He has no place +for thim. Cages he has, an' globes for goldfish, an' birrd cages, +but th' size of th' shop l'aves no room for an aquarium, Casey. +He has no tank for the preservation of water goats. +Hippopotamuses an' alligators an' crocodiles an' dongola water +goats an' sea lions he does not keep in stock, Casey, but sinds +out an' catches thim whin ordered. He writes that his agints has +their eyes on two fine dongolas, an' he has tiligraphed thim t' +catch thim." + +"Are they near by, Mike?" asked Casey, much interested. + +"Naw," said Toole. "'Twill be some time till I git thim. Th' +last he heard of thim they were swimmin' in th' Lake of Geneva." + +"Is it far, th' lake?" asked Casey. + +"I disremimber how far," said Toole. "'Tis in Africa or Asia, +or mebby 'tis in Constantinople. Wan of thim countries it is, +annyhow." + +But to his cousin Dennis he wrote: + + +"Dear Dennis--I will take them two dongolas. Crate them good +and solid. Do not send them till I tell you. Send the bill to me. +Your affectionate cousin alderman Michael Toole. Ps Make bill for +two hundred dollars a piece. Business is business. This is +between us two. M. T." + + +A Keeper of the Water Goats had been selected with the utmost +care, combining in the choice practical politics with a sense of +fitness. Timothy Fagan was used to animals--for years he had +driven a dumpcart. He was used to children--he had ten or eleven +of his own. And he controlled several votes in the Fourth Ward. +His elevation from the dump-cart of the street cleaning +department to the high office of Keeper of the Water Goats was +one that Dugan believed would give general satisfaction. + +When the goats arrived in Jeffersonville the two heavy crates +were hauled to Alderman Toole's back yard to await the opening of +the park, and there Mayor Dugan and Goat Keeper Fagan came to +inspect them. Alderman Toole led the way to them with pride, and +Mayor Dugan's creased brow almost uncreased as he bent down and +peered between the bars of the crates. They were fine goats. +Perhaps they looked somewhat more dejected than a goat usually +looks--more dirty and down at the heels than a goat often looks-- +but they were undoubtedly goats. As specimens of ordinary Irish +goats they might not have passed muster with a careful buyer, but +no doubt they were excellent examples of the dongola. + +"Ye have done good, Mike," said the mayor. "Ye have done good! +But ain't they mebby a bit off their feed--or something?" + +"Off their feed!" said Toole. "An' who wouldn't be, poor +things? Mind ye, Dugan, thim is not common goats--thim is +dongolas--an' used to bein' in th' wather con-continuous from +mornin' till night. 'Tis sufferin' for a swim they be, poor +animals. Wance let thim git in th' lake an' ye will see th' +difference, Dugan. 'Twill make all th' difference in th' worrld +t' thim. 'Tis dyin' for a swim they are." + +"Sure!" said the Keeper of the Water Goats. "Ye have done good, +Mike," said the mayor again. "Thim dongolas will be a big +surprise for th' people." + +They were. They surprised the Keeper of the Goats first of all. +The day before the park was to be opened to the public the goats +were taken to the park and turned over to their official keeper. +At eleven o'clock that morning Alderman Toole was leaning +against Casey's bar, confidentially pouring into his ear the +story of how the dongolas had given their captors a world of +trouble, swimming violently to the far reaches of Lake Geneva and +hiding among the bulrushes and reeds, when the swinging door of +the saloon was banged open and Tim Fagan rushed in. He was mad. +He was very mad, but he was a great deal wetter than mad. He +looked as if he had been soaked in water over night, and not +wrung out in the morning. + +"Mike!" he whispered hoarsely, grasping the little alderman by +the arm. "I want ye! I want ye down at th' park." + +A chill of fear passed over Alderman Toole. He turned his face +to Fagan and laid his hand on his shoulder. + +"Tim," he demanded, "has annything happened t' th' dongolas?" + +"Is annything happened t' th' dongolas!" exclaimed Fagan +sarcastically. "Is annything wrong with thim water goats? Oh, no, +Toole! Nawthin' has gone wrong with thim! Only they won't go into +th' wather, Mike! Is annything gone wrong with thim, did ye say? +Nawthin'! They be in good health, but they are not crazy t' be +swimmin'. Th' way they do not hanker t' dash into th' water is +marvellous, Mike. No water for thim!" + +"Hist!" said Toole uneasily, glancing around to see that no one +but Casey was in hearing. "Mebby ye have not started thim right, +Tim." + +"Mebby not," said Fagan angrily. "Mebby I do not know how t' +start th' water goat, Toole! Mebby there is one way unbeknownst +t' me. If so, I have not tried it. But th' forty-sivin other ways +I have tried, an' th' goats will not swim. I have started thim +backwards an' I have started thim frontwards, an' I have took +thim in by th' horns an' give thim lessons t' swim, an' they will +not swim! I have done me duty by thim, Mike, an' I have wrastled +with thim, an' rolled in th' lake with thim. Was it t' be +swimmin' teacher t' water goats ye got me this job for?" + +"Hist!" said Toole again. "Not so loud, Tim! Ye haven't told +Dugan have ye?" + +"I have not!" said Tim, with anger. "I have not told annybody +annything excipt thim goats an' what I told thim is not dacint +hearin'. I have conversed with thim in strong language, an' it +done no good. No swimmin' for thim! Come on down an' have a chat +with thim yersilf, Toole. Come on down an' argue with thim, an +persuade thim with th' soft sound of yer voice t' swim. Come on +down an' git thim water goats used t' th' water." + +"Ye don't understand th' water goat, Tim," said Toole in gentle +reproof. "I will show ye how t' handle him," and he went out, +followed by the wet Keeper of the Water Goats. + +The two water goats stood at the side of the lake, wet and +mournful, tied to two strong stakes. They looked weary and meek, +for they had had a hard morning, but as soon as they saw Tim +Fagan they brightened up. They arose simultaneously on their hind +legs and their eyes glittered with deadly hatred. They strained +at their ropes, and then, suddenly, panic-stricken, they turned +and ran, bringing up at the ends of their ropes with a shock that +bent the stout stakes to which they were fastened. They stood +still and cowered, trembling. + +"Lay hold!" commanded Toole. "Lay hold of a horn of th' brute +till I show ye how t' make him swim." + +Through the fresh gravel of the beach the four feet of the +reluctant goat ploughed deep furrows. It shook its head from side +to side, but Toole and Fagan held it fast, and into the water it +went." + +"Now!" cried Alderman Toole. "Git behind an' push, Tim! Wan! +Two! Three! Push!" + +Alderman Toole released his hold and Keeper of the Water Goats +Fagan pushed. Then they tried the other goat. It was easier to +try the other water goat than to waste time hunting up the one +they had just tried, for it had gone away. As soon as Alderman +Toole let it go, it went. It seemed to want to get to the other +end of the park as soon as possible, but it did not take the +short cut across the lake--it went around. But it did not mind +travel--it went to the farthest part of the park, and it would +have gone farther if it could. So Alderman Toole and Keeper Fagan +tried the other water goat. That one went straight to the other +end of the park. It swerved from a straight line but once, and +that was when it shied at a pail of water that was in the way. It +did not seem to like water. + +In the Franklin Zoo Dennis Toole had just removed the lid of +his tin lunch-pail when the telegraph boy handed him the yellow +envelope. He turned it over and over, studying its exterior, +while the boy went to look at the shop-worn brown bear. The zoo +keeper decided that there was no way to find out what was inside +of the envelope but to open it. He was ready for the worst. He +wondered, unthinkingly, which one of his forty or more cousins +was dead, and opened the envelope. + +"Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo," he read, "Dongolas won't swim. +How do you make them swim? Telegraph at once. Michael Toole." + +He laid the telegram across his knees and looked at it as if it +was some strange communication from another sphere. He pushed his +hat to one side of his head and scratched the tuft of red hair +thus bared. + +"'Dongolas won't swim!"' he repeated slowly. "An' how do I make +thim swim? I wonder does Cousin Mike take th' goat t' be a fish, +or what? I wonder does he take swimmin' to be wan of th' +accomplishments of th' goat?" He shook his head in puzzlement, +and frowned at the telegram. "Would he be havin' a goat regatta, +I wonder, or was he expectin' th' goat t' be a web-footed animal? +'Won't swim!' he repeated angrily. 'Won't swim!' An' what is it +to me if they won't swim? Nayther would I swim if I was a goat. +'Tis none of me affair if they will not swim. There was nawthin' +said about 'swimmin' goats.' Goats I can give him, an' dongola +goats I can give him, an jumpin' goats, an' climbin' goats, an' +walkin' goats, but 'tis not in me line t'furnish submarine goats. +No, nor goats t' fly up in th' air! Would anny one," he said with +exasperation, "would anny one that got a plain order for goats +ixpict t' have t' furnish goats that would hop up off th' earth +an' make a balloon ascension? 'Tis no fault of Dennis Toole's +thim goats won't swim. What will Mike be telegraphin' me nixt, I +wonder? 'Dear Dennis: Th' goats won't lay eggs. How do ye make +thim?' Bye, have ye a piece of paper t' write an answer t' me +cousin Mike on?" + +The Keeper of the Water Goats and Alderman Toole were sitting +on a rustic bench looking sadly at the water goats when the +Jeffersonville telegraph messenger brought them Dennis Toole's +answer. Alderman Toole grasped the envelope eagerly and tore it +open, and Fagan leaned over his shoulder as he read it: + + +"Michael Toole, Alderman, Jeffersonville," they read. "Put them +in the water and see if they will swim. Dennis Toole." + + +"Put thim in th' wather!" exclaimed Alderman Toole angrily. +"Why don't ye put thim in th' wather, Fagan? Why did ye not think +t' put thim in th' wather?" He looked down at his soaking +clothes, and his anger increased. "Why have ye been tryin' t' +make thim dongolas swim on land, Fagan?" he asked sarcastically. +"Or have ye been throwin' thim up in th' air t' see thim swim? +Why don't ye put thim in th' wather? Why don't ye follow th' +instructions of th' expert dongola water goat man an' put thim in +th' wather if ye want thim t' swim?" + +Fagan looked at the angry alderman. He looked at the dripping +goats. + +"So I did, Mike," he said seriously. "We both of us did." + +"An' did we!" cried Alderman Toole in mock surprise. "Is it +possible we thought t' put thim in th' wather whin we wanted thim +t' swim? It was in me mind that we tied thim to a tree an' played +ring-around-a-rosy with thim t' induce thim t' swim! Where's a +pencil? Where's a piece of paper?" he cried. + +He jerked them from the hand of the messenger boy. The +afternoon was half worn away. Every minute was precious. He wrote +hastily and handed the message to the messenger boy. + +"Fagan," he said, as the boy disappeared down the path at a +run, "raise up yer spirits an come an' give th' water goats some +more instructions in th' ginteel art of swimmin' in th' wather." + +Fagan sighed and arose. He walked toward the dejected water +goats, and, taking the nearest one by the horns yanked it toward +the lake. The goat was too weak to do more than hold back feebly +and bleat its disapproval of another bath. The more lessons in +swimming it received the less it seemed to like to swim. It had +developed a positive hatred of swimming. + +Dennis Toole received the second telegram with a savage grin. +He had expected it. He opened it with malicious slowness. + + +"Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo," he read. "Where do you think I +put them to make them swim? They won't swim in the lake. It won't +do no good to us for them to swim on dry land. No fooling, now, +how do you make them dongolas swim? Answer quick. + +Michael Toole." + + +He did not have to study out his reply, for he had been +considering it ever since he had sent the other telegram. He took +a blank from the boy and wrote the answer. The sun was setting +when the Jeffersonville messenger delivered it to Alderman Toole. + + +"Mike Toole, Jeffersonville," it said. "Quit fooling, yourself. +Don't you know young dongolas are always water-shy at first? Tie +them in the lake and let them soak, and they will learn to swim +fast enough. If I didn't know any more about dongolas than you do +I would keep clear of them. Dennis Toole." + + +"Listen to that now," said Alderman Toole, a smile spreading +over his face. "An' who ever said I knew annything about water +goats, anny how? Th' natural history of th' water goat is not wan +of the things usually considered part of th' iducation of th' +alderman from th' Fourth Ward, Fagan, but 'tis surprised I am +that ye did not know th' goat is like th' soup bean, an' has t' +be soaked before usin'. Th' Keeper of th' Water Goat should know +th' habits of th' animal, Fagan. Why did ye not put thim in to +soak in th' first place? I am surprised at ye!" + +"It escaped me mind," said Fagan. "I was thinkin' these was +broke t' swimmin' an' did not need t' be soaked. I wonder how +long they should be soaked, Mike?" + +"'Twill do no harrm t' soak thim over night, anny how," said +Toole. "Over night is th' usual soak given t' th' soup-bean an' +th' salt mackerel, t' say nawthin' of th' codfish an' others of +th' water-goat family. Let th' water goats soak over night, +Fagan, an by mornin' they will be ready t' swim like a trout. We +will anchor thim in th' lake, Fagan--an' we will say nawthin' t' +Dugan. 'Twould be a blow t' Dugan was he t' learn th' dongolas +provided fer th' park was young an' wather-shy." + +They anchored the water goats firmly in the lake, and left them +there to overcome their shyness, which seemed, as Fagan and Toole +left them, to be as great as ever. The goats gazed sadly, and +bleated longingly, after the two men as they disappeared in the +dusk, and when the men had passed entirely out of sight, the +goats looked at each other and complained bitterly. + +Alderman Toole thoughtfully changed his wet clothes for dry +ones before he went to Casey's that evening, for he thought Dugan +might be there, and he was. He was there when Toole arrived, and +his brow was black. He had had a bad day of it. Everything had +gone wrong with him and his affairs. A large lump of his +adherents had sloughed off from his party and had affiliated with +his opponents, and the evening opposition paper had come out with +a red-hot article condemning the administration for reckless +extravagance. It had especially condemned Dugan for burdening the +city with new bonds to create an unneeded park, and the whole +thing had ended with a screech of ironic laughter over the--so +the editor called it--fitting capstone of the whole business, the +purchase of two dongola goats at perfectly extravagant prices. + +"Mike," said the big mayor severely, when the little alderman +had offered his greetings, "there is the divil an' all t' pay +about thim dongolas. Th' News is full of thim. 'Twill be th' ind +of us all if they do not pan out well. Have ye tried thim in th' +water yet?" + +"Sure!" exclaimed the little alderman with a heartiness he did +not feel. "What has me an' Fagan been doin' all day but tryin' +thim? Have no fear of th' wather goats, Dugan." + +"Do they swim well, Mike?" asked the big mayor kindly, but with +a weary heaviness he did not try to conceal. + +"Swim!" exclaimed Toole. "Did ye say swim, Dugan? Swim is no +name for th' way they rip thro' the wather! 'Twas marvellous t' +see thim. Ah, thim dongolas is wonderful animals! Do ye think we +could persuade thim t' come out whin we wanted t' come home? Not +thim, Dugan! 'Twas all me an' Fagan could do t' pull thim out by +main force, an' th' minute we let go of thim, back they wint into +th' wather. 'Twas pitiful t' hear th' way they bleated t' be let +back into th' wather agin, Dugan, so we let thim stay in for th' +night." + +"Ye did not let thim loose in th' lake, Mike?" exclaimed the +big mayor. "Ye did not let thim be so they could git away?" + +"No," said Toole. "No! They'll not git away, Dugan. We anchored +thim fast." + +"Ye done good, Mike," said the big mayor. + +The next morning Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan was down +sufficiently early to drag the bodies of the goats out of the +lake long before even the first citizen was admitted to the park. +Alone, and hastily he hid them in the little tool house, and +locked the door on them. Then he went to find Alderman Toole. He +found him in the mayor's office, and beckoned him to one side. In +hot, quick accents he told him the untimely fate of the dongola +water goats, and the mayor--with an eye for everything on that +important day--saw the red face of Alderman Toole grow longer and +redder; saw the look of pain and horror that overspread it. A +chilling fear gripped his own heart. + +"Mike," he said. "What's th' matter with th' dongolas?" + +It was Fagan who spoke, while the little alderman from the +Fourth Ward stood bereft of speech in this awful moment. + +"Dugan," he said, "I have not had much ixperience with th' +dongola wather goat, an' th' ways an' habits of thim is strange +t' me, but if I was t' say what I think, I would say they was +over-soaked." + +"Over-soaked, Fagan?" said the mayor crossly. "Talk sense, will +ye?" + +"Sure!" said Fagan. "An' over-soaked is what I say. Thim water +goats has all th' looks of bein' soaked too long. I would not say +positive, Yer Honour, but that is th' looks of thim. If me own +mother was t' ask me I would say th' same, Dugan. 'Soakin' too +long done it,' is what I would say." + +"You are a fool, Fagan!" exclaimed the big mayor. + +"Well," said Fagan mildly, "I have not had much ixperience in +soakin' dongolas, if ye mean that, Dugan. I do not set up t' be +an expert dongola soaker. I do not know th' rules t' go by. Some +may like thim soaked long an' some may like thim soaked not so +long, but if I was to say, I would say thim two dongolas at th' +park has been soaked a dang sight too long. Th' swim has been +soaked clean out of thim." + +"Are they sick?" asked the big mayor. "What is th' matter with +thim?" + +"They do look sick," agreed Fagan, breaking the bad news +gently. "I should say they look mighty sick, Dugan. If they +looked anny sicker, I would be afther lookin' for a place t' bury +thim in. An' I am lookin' for th' place now." + +As the truth dawned on the mind of the big mayor, he lost his +firm look and sank into a chair. This was the last brick pulled +from under his structure of hopes. His head sank upon his breast +and for many minutes he was silent, while his aides stood abashed +and ill at ease. At last he raised his head and stared at Toole, +more in sorrow than in resentfulness. + +"Mike," he said, "Mike Toole! What in th' worrld made ye soak +thim dongolas?" + +"Dugan," pleaded Toole, laying his hand on the big mayor's arm. +"Dugan, old man, don't look at me that way. There was nawthin' +else t' do but soak thim dongolas. Many's th' time I have seen me +old father soakin' th' young dongolas t' limber thim up for +swimmin'. 'If iver ye have to do with dongolas, Mike,' he used t' +say t' me, 'soak thim well firrst.' So I soaked thim, an' 'tis +none of me fault, nor Fagan's either, that they soaked full o' +wather. First-class dongolas is wather-proof, as iveryone knows, +Dugan, an' how was we t' know thim two was not? How was me an' +Fagan t' know their skins would soak in wather like a pillow +case? Small blame to us, Dugan ." + +The big mayor took his head between his hands and stared +moodily at the floor. + +"Go awn away!" he said after a while. "Ye have done for me an' +th' byes, Toole. Ye have soaked us out of office, wan an' all of +us. I want t' be alone. It is all over with us. Go awn away." + +Toole and the Keeper of the Water Goats stole silently from the +room and out into the street. Fagan was the first to speak. + +"How was we t' know thim dongolas would soak in wather that +way, Toole?" he said defensively. "How was we t' know they was +not th' wather-proof kind of dongolas?" + +The little alderman from the Fourth Ward walked silently by the +Keeper's side. His head was downcast and his hands were clasped +beneath the tails of his coat. Suddenly he looked Fagan full in +the face. + +"'Twas our fault, Fagan," he said. "'Twas all our fault. If we +didn't know thim dongolas was wather-proof we should have +varnished thim before we put thim in th' lake t' soak. I don't +blame you, Fagan, for ye did not know anny better, but I blame +mesilf. For I call t' mind now that me father always varnished +th' dongolas before he soaked thim overnight. 'Take no chances, +Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'always varnish thim firrst. Some of +thim is rubbery an' will not soak up wather, but some is spongy, +an' 'tis best t' varnish one an' all of thim."' + +"Think of that now!" exclaimed Fagan with admiration. "Sure, +but this natural history is a wonderful science, Toole! To think +that thim animals was th' spongyhided dongola water goats of +foreign lands, an' used t' bein' varnished before each an' every +bath! An' t' me they looked no different from th' goats of me +byehood! I was never cut out for a goat keeper, Mike. An' me job +on th' dump-cart is gone, too. 'Twill be hard times for Fagan." + +"'Twill be hard times for Toole, too," said the little +alderman, and they walked on without speaking until Fagan reached +his gate. + +"Well, anny how," he said with cheerful philosophy, "'tis +better t' be us than to be thim dongola water goats--dead or +alive. 'Tis not too often I take a bath, Mike, but if I was wan +of thim spongy-hided dongolas an' had t' be varnished each time I +got in me bath tub, I would stop bathin' for good an' all." + +He looked toward the house. + +"I'll not worry," he said. "Maggie will be sad t' hear th' job +is gone, but she would have took it harder t' know her Tim was +wastin' his time varnishin' th' slab side of a spongy goat." + +II +MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS + + +On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings entered his home +at Westcote very much later than usual, and stealing upstairs, +like a thief in the night, he undressed and dropped into bed. In +two minutes he was asleep, and it was no wonder, for by that time +it was five minutes after three in the morning, and Mr. +Billings's usual bedtime was ten o'clock. Even when he was +delayed at his office he made it an invariable rule to catch the +nine o'clock train home. + +When Mrs. Billings awoke the next--or, rather, that same-- +morning, she gazed a minute at the thin, innocent face of her +husband, and was in the satisfied frame of mind that takes an +unexpected train delay as a legitimate excuse, when she happened +to cast her eyes upon Mr. Billings's coat, which was thrown +carelessly over the foot of the bed. Protruding from one of the +side pockets was a patent nursing-bottle, half full of milk. +Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and searching Mr. +Billings's other pockets. To her horror her search was fruitful. + +In a vest pocket she found three false curls, or puffs of hair, +such as ladies are wearing to-day to increase the abundance of +their own, and these curls were of a rich brownish red. Finally, +when she dived into his trousers pocket, she found twelve acorns +carefully wrapped in a lady's handkerchief, with the initials +"T. M. C." embroidered in one corner. + +All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her upper bureau +drawer and proceeded to dress. When at length she awakened Mr. +Billings, he yawned, stretched, and then, realizing that +getting-up time had arrived, hopped briskly out of bed. + +"You got in late last night," said Mrs. Billings pleasantly. + +If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe and cower she was +mistaken. He continued to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if +he had a clear conscience. + +"Indeed I did, Mary," he said. "It was three when I entered the +house, for the clock was just striking." + +"Something must have delayed you," suggested Mrs. Billings. + +"Otherwise, dear," said Mr. Billings, "I should have been home +much sooner. + +"Probably," said Mrs. Billings, suddenly assuming her most +sarcastic tone, as she reached into her bureau drawer and drew +out the patent nursing-bottle, "this had something to do with +your being delayed!" + +Mr. Billings looked at the nursing-bottle, and then he drew out +his watch and looked at that. + +"My dear," he said, "you are right. It did. But I now have just +time to gulp down my coffee and catch my train. To-night, when I +return from town, I will tell you the most remarkable story of +that nursing-bottle, and how it happened to be in my pocket, and +in the mean time I beg you--I most sincerely beg you--to feel no +uneasiness. + +With this he hurried out of the room, and a few moments later +his wife saw him running for his train. + +All day Mrs. Billings was prey to the most disturbing thoughts, +and as soon as dinner was finished that evening she led the way +into the library. + +"Now, Rollin?" she said, and without hesitation Mr. Billings +began. + +I. THE PATENT NURSING-BOTTLE + + +You have (he said), I know, met Lemuel, the coloured elevator +boy in our office building, and you know what a pleasant, +accommodating lad he is. He is the sort of boy for whom one would +gladly do a favour, for he is always so willing to do favours for +others, but I was thinking nothing of this when I stepped from my +office at exactly five o'clock yesterday evening. I was thinking +of nothing but getting home to dinner as soon as possible, and +was just stepping into the elevator when Lemuel laid his hand +gently on my arm. + +"I beg yo' pahdon, Mistah Billings," he said politely, "but +would yo' do me a favour?" + +"Certainly, Lemuel," I said; "how much can I lend you?" + +"'Tain't that, sah," he said. "I wish t' have a word or two in +private with yo'. Would yo' mind steppin' back into yo' office +until I git these folks out of th' buildin', so's I can speak to +yo'?" + +I knew I had still half an hour before my six-two train, and I +was not unwilling to do Lemuel a favour, so I went back to my +office as he desired, and waited there until he appeared, which +was not until he had taken all the tenants down in his elevator. +Then he opened the door and came in. With him was the young man I +had often seen in the office next to mine, as I passed, and a +young woman on whom I had never set my eyes before. No sooner had +they opened the door than the young man began to speak, and +Lemuel stood unobtrusively to one side. + +"Mr. Billings," said the young man, "you may think it strange +that I should come to you in this way when you and I are hardly +acquaintances, but I have often observed you passing my door, and +have noted your kind-looking face, and the moment I found this +trouble upon me I instantly thought of you as the one man who +would be likely to help me out of my difficulty. + +While he said this I had time to study his face, and also to +glance at the young woman, and I saw that he must, indeed, be in +great trouble. I also saw that the young woman was pretty and +modest and that she, also, was in great distress. I at once +agreed to help him, provided I should not be made to miss the +six-thirty train, for I saw I was already too late for the +six-two. + +"Good!" he cried. "For several years Madge--who is this young +lady--and I have been in love, and we wish to be married this +evening, but her father and my father are waiting at the foot of +the elevator at this minute, and they have been waiting there all +day. There is no other way for us to leave the building, for the +foot of the stairs is also the foot of the elevator, and, in +fact, when I last peeped, Madge's father was sitting on the +bottom step. It is now exactly fifteen minutes of six, and at six +o'clock they mean to come up and tear Madge and me away, and have +us married." + +"To--" I began. + +"To each other," said the young man with emotion. + +"But I thought that was what you wanted?" I exclaimed. + +"Not at all! Not at all!" said the young man, and the young +woman added her voice in protest, too. "I am the head of the +Statistical Department of the Society for the Obtaining of a +Uniform National Divorce Law, and the work in that department has +convinced me beyond a doubt that forced marriages always end +unhappily. In eighty-seven thousand six hundred and four cases of +forced marriages that I have tabulated I have found that eighty- +seven thousand six hundred and three have been unhappy. In the +face of such statistics Madge and I dare not allow ourselves to +be married against our wills. We insist on marrying voluntarily." + +"That could be easily arranged," I ventured to say, in view of +the fact that both your fathers wish you to be married." + +"Not at all," said Madge, with more independence than I had +thought her capable of; "because my father and Henry's father are +gentlemen of the old school. I would not say anything against +either father, for in ordinary affairs I they are two most suave +and charming old gentlemen, but in this they hold to the old- +school idea that children should allow their parents to select +their life-partners, and they insist that Henry and I allow +ourselves to be forced to marry each other. And that, in spite of +the statistics Henry has shown them. Our whole happiness depends +on our getting out of this building before they can come up and +get us. That is why we appeal to you." + +"If you still hesitate, after what Madge has said," said Henry, +pulling a large roll of paper out of his pocket, "here are the +statistics." + +"Very well," I said, "I will help you, if I can do so and not +miss the six-thirty train. What is your plan?" + +"It is very simple," said Henry. "Our fathers are both quite +near-sighted, and as six o'clock draws near they will naturally +become greatly excited and nervous, and, therefore, less +observant of small things. I have brought with me some burnt cork +with which I will blacken my face, and I will change clothes with +Lemuel, and, in the one moment necessary to escape, my father +will not recognize me. Lemuel, on the other hand, will whiten his +face with some powder that Madge has brought, and will wear my +clothes, and in the excitement my father will seize him instead +of me." + +"Excellent," I said, "but what part do I play in this?" + +"This part," said Henry, "you will wear, over your street +clothes, a gown that Madge has brought in her suit-case and a hat +that she has also brought, both of which her father will easily +recognize, while Madge will redden her face with rouge, muss her +hair, don a torn, calico dress, and with a scrub-rag and a mop in +her hands easily pass for a scrub-woman. + +"And then?" I asked. + +"Then you and Lemuel will steal cautiously down the stairs, as +if you were Madge and I seeking to escape, while Madge and I, as +Lemuel and the scrub-woman, will go down by the elevator. My +father and Madge's father will seize you and Lemuel--" + +"And I shall appear like a fool when they discover I am a +respectable business man rigged up in woman's clothes," I said. + +"Not at all," said Madge, "for Henry and I have thought of +that. You must play your part until you see that henry and I have +escaped from the elevator and have left the building, and that is +all. I have had the forethought to prepare an alibi for you. As +soon as you see that Henry and I are safe outside the building, +you must become very indignant, and insist that you are a +respectable married woman, and in proof you must hand my father +the contents of this package. He will be convinced immediately +and let you go, and then Lemuel can run you up to your office and +you can take off my dress and hat and catch the six-thirty train +without trouble." She then handed me a small parcel, which I +slipped into my coat pocket. + +When this had been agreed upon she and Henry left the office +and I took the hat and dress from the suit-case and put them on, +while Lemuel put on Henry's suit and whitened his face. This took +but a few minutes, and we went into the hall and found Henry and +Madge already waiting for us. Henry was blackened into a good +likeness of Lemuel, and Madge was quite a mussy scrub-woman. They +immediately entered the elevator and began to descend slowly, +while Lemuel and I crept down the stairs. + +Lemuel and I kept as nearly as possible opposite the elevator, +so that we might arrive at the foot of the stairs but a moment +before Madge and Henry, and we could hear the two fathers +shuffling on the street floor, when suddenly, as we reached the +third floor, we heard a whisper from Henry in the elevator. The +elevator had stuck fast between the third and fourth floors. As +with one mind, Lemuel and I seated ourselves on a step and waited +until Henry should get the elevator running again and could +proceed to the street floor. + +For a while we could hear no noise but the grating of metal on +metal as Henry worked with the starting lever of the elevator, +and then we heard the two voices of the fathers. + +"It is a ruse," said one father. "They are pretending the +elevator is stuck, and when we grow impatient and start up the +stairs they will come down with a rush and escape us." + +"But we are not so silly as that," said the other father. "We +will stay right here and wait until they come down." + +At that Lemuel and I settled ourselves more comfortably, for +there was nothing else to do. I cursed inwardly as I felt the +minutes slip by and knew that half-past six had come and gone, +but I was sure you would not like to have me desert those two +poor lovers who were fighting to ward off the statistics, so I +sat still and silent. So did Lemuel. + +I do not know how long I sat there, for it was already dark in +the narrow stairway, but it must have been a long time. I drowsed +off, and I was finally awakened by Lemuel tugging at my sleeve, +and I knew that Henry had managed to start the elevator again. +Lemuel and I hastened our steps, and just as the elevator was +coming into sight below the second floor we were seen by the two +fathers. For an instant they hesitated, and then they seized us. +At the same time the elevator door opened and Henry and Madge +came out, and the two fathers hardly glanced at them as they went +out of the door into the street. + +As soon as I saw that they were safe I feigned great +indignation, and so did Lemuel. + +"Unhand me, sir!" I cried. "Who do you think I am? I am a +respectable married lady, leaving the building with her husband. +Unhand me!" + +Instead of doing so, however, the father that had me by the arm +drew me nearer to the hall light. As he did so he stared closely +at my face. + +"Morgan," he said to the other father, "this is not my +daughter. My daughter did not have a moustache." + +"Indeed, I am not your daughter," I said; "I am a respectable +married lady, and here is the proof." + +With that I reached for the package Madge had given me, but it +was in my coat-pocket, underneath the dress I had on, and it was +only with great difficulty and by raising one side of the skirt +that I was able to get it. I unwrapped it and showed it to the +father that had me by the arm. It was the patent nursing-bottle. + +When Mr. Billings had finished his relation his wife sat for a +moment in silence. Then she said: + +"And he let you go?" + +"Yes, of course," said Mr. Billings; "he could not hold me +after such proof as that, and Lemuel ran me up to my office, +where I changed my hat and took off the dress. I knew it was +late, and I did not know what train I could catch, but I made +haste, and, on the way down in the elevator, I felt in my pocket +to see if I had my commutation ticket, when my hand struck the +patent nursing-bottle. My first impulse was to drop it in the +car, but on second thought I decided to keep it, for I knew that +when you saw it and heard the story you would understand +perfectly why I was detained last night." + +"Yes?" said Mrs. Billings questioningly. "But, my dear, all +that does not account for these." + +As she said that she drew from her workbasket the three +auburn-red curls. + +"Oh, those!" said Mr. Billings, after a momentary hesitation. +"I was about to tell you about those." + +"Do so!" said Mrs. Billings coldly. "I am listening." + +II. THE THREE AUBURN-RED CURLS + + +When I went down in the elevator (said Mr. Billings) with the +nursing-bottle in my pocket, I had no thought but to get to the +train as soon as possible, for I saw by the clock in my office +that I had just time to catch the eleven-nine if I should not be +delayed. Therefore, as soon as I was outside the building I +started to run, but when I reached the corner and was just about +to step on a passing street-car a hand was laid on my arm, and I +turned to see who was seeking to detain me. It was a woman in the +most pitiable rags, and on her arm she carried a baby so thin and +pale that I could scarcely believe it lived. + +One glance at the child showed me that it was on the verge of +death by starvation, and this was confirmed by the moans of the +mother, who begged me for humanity's sake to give her money with +which to provide food for the child, even though I let her, +herself, starve. You know, my dear, you never allow me to give +money to street beggars, and I remembered this, but at the same +time I remembered the patent nursing-bottle I still carried in my +pocket. + +Without hesitation I drew the patent nursing-bottle from my +pocket and told the mother to allow the infant to have a +sufficient quantity of milk it contained to sustain the child's +life until she could procure other alms or other aid. With a cry +of joy the mother took the nursing-bottle and pressed it to the +poor baby's lips, and it was with great pleasure I saw the rosy +colour return to the child's cheeks. The sadness of despair that +had shadowed the mother's face also fled, and I could see that +already she was looking on life with a more optimistic view. + +I verily believe the child could have absorbed the entire +contents of the bottle, but I had impressed upon the mother that +she was to give the child only sufficient to sustain life, not to +suffice it until it was grown to manhood or womanhood, and when +the bottle was half-emptied the mother returned it to me. How +much time all this occupied I do not know, but the child took the +milk with extreme slowness. I may say that it took the milk drop +by drop. A great deal of time must have elapsed. + +But when the mother had returned the patent nursing-bottle to +me and saw how impatient I was to be gone, she still retained her +hold upon my arm. + +"Sir," she said, "you have undoubtedly saved the life of my +child, and I only regret that I cannot repay you for all it means +to me. But I cannot. Stay!" she cried, when I was about to pull +my arm away. "Has your wife auburn-red hair?" + +"No," I said, "she has not. her hair is a most beautiful +black." + +"No matter," said the poor woman, putting her hand to her head. +"Some day she may wish to change the colour of her hair to +auburn-red, which is easily done with a little bleach and a +little dye, and should she do so these may come handy;" and with +that she slipped something soft and fluffy into my hand and fled +into the night. When I looked, I saw in my hand the very curls +you hold there. My first impulse was to drop them in the street, +but I remembered that the poor woman had not given them to me, +but to you, and that it was my duty to bring them home to you, so +I slipped them into my pocket. + + +When Mr. Billings had ended this recital of what had happened +to him his wife said: + +"Huh!" + +At the same time she tossed the curls into the grate, where +they shrivelled up, burst into blue smoke, and shortly +disappeared in ashes. + +"That is a very likely story," she said, "but it does not +explain how this came to be in your pocket." + + +Saying this she drew from her basket the handkerchief and +handed it to Mr. Billings. + +"Hah!" he exclaimed. For a moment he turned the rolled-up +handkerchief over and over, and then he cautiously opened it. At +the sight of the twelve acorns he seemed somewhat surprised, and +when the initials "T. M. C." on the corner of the handkerchief +caught his eye he blushed. + +"You are blushing--you are disturbed," said Mrs. Billings +severely. + +"I am," said Mr. Billings, suddenly recovering himself; "and no +wonder." + +"And no wonder, indeed!" said Mrs Billings. "Perhaps, then, you +can tell me how those acorns and that handkerchief came to be in +your pocket." + +"I can," said Mr. Billings, "and I will." + +"You had better," said Mrs. Billings. + +III. THE TWELVE ACORNS AND THE LADY'S HANDKERCHIEF + + +You may have noticed, my dear (said Mr. Billings), that the +initials on that handkerchief are "T. M. C.," and I wish you to +keep that in mind, for it has a great deal to do with this story. +Had they been anything else that handkerchief would not have +found its way into my pocket; and when you see how those acorns +and that handkerchief, and the half-filled nursing-bottle and the +auburn-red curls all combined to keep me out of my home until the +unearthly hour of three A. M., you will forget the unjust +suspicions which I too sadly fear you now hold against me, and +you will admit that a half-filled patent nursing-bottle, a trio +of curls, a lady's handkerchief and twelve acorns were the most +natural things in the world to find in my pockets. + +When I had left the poor woman with her no-longer-starving baby +I hurriedly glanced into a store window, and by the clock there +saw it was twenty minutes of one and that I had exactly time to +catch the one o'clock train, which is the last train that runs to +Westcote. I glanced up and down the street, but not a car was in +sight, and I knew I could not afford to wait long if I wished to +catch that train. There was but one thing to do, and that was to +take a cab, and, as luck would have it, at that moment an +automobile cab came rapidly around the corner. I raised my voice +and my arm, and the driver saw or heard me, for he made a quick +turn in the street and drew up at the curb beside me. I hastily +gave him the directions, jumped in and slammed the door shut, and +the auto-cab immediately started forward at what seemed to me +unsafe speed. + +We had not gone far when something in the fore part of the +automobile began to thump in a most alarming manner, and the +driver slackened his speed, drew up to the curb and stopped. He +opened the door and put his head in. + +"Something's gone wrong," he said, "but don't you worry. I'll +have it fixed in no time, and then I can put on more speed and +I'll get you there in just the same time as if nothing had +happened." + +When he said this I was perfectly satisfied, for he was a nice- +looking man, and I lay back, for I was quite tired out, it was so +long past my usual bedtime; and the driver went to work, doing +things I could not understand to the fore part of the automobile, +where the machinery is. I remember thinking that the cushions of +this automobile were unusually soft, and then I must have dozed +off, and when I opened my eyes I did not know how much time had +elapsed, but the driver was still at work and I could hear him +swearing. He seemed to be having a great deal of trouble, so I +got out of the automobile, intending to tell him that perhaps I +had better try to get a car, after all. But his actions when he +saw me were most unexpected. He waved the wrench he held in his +hand, and ordered me to get back into the automobile, and I did. +I supposed he was afraid he would lose his fare and tip, but in a +few minutes he opened the door again and spoke to me. + +"Now, sport," he said, "there ain't no use thinkin' about +gettin' that train, because it's gone, and I may as well say now +that you've got to come with me, unless you want me to smash your +head in. The fact is, this ain't no public automobile, and I +hadn't no right to take you for a passenger. This automobile +belongs to a lady and I'm her hired chauffeur, and she's at a +bridge-whist party in a house on Fifth Avenue, and I'm supposed +to be waiting outside that house. One-fifteen o'clock was the +time she said she would be out. But I thought maybe I might make +a dollar or two for myself instead of waiting there all that +time, and she would never know it. And now it is nearly two +o'clock, and if I go back alone she will be raving mad, and I'll +get my discharge and no references, and my poor wife and six +children will have to starve. So you will have to go with me and +explain how it was that I wasn't there at one-fifteen o'clock." + +"My friend," I said, "I am sorry for you, but I do not see how +it would help you, should I refuse to go and you should, as you +say, smash my head in." + +"Don't you worry none about that," he said. "If I smashed your +head in, as I could do easy enough with this wrench, I'd take +what was left of you up some dark street, and lay you on the +pavement and run the machine across you once or twice, and then +take you to a hospital, and that would be excuse enough. You'd be +another 'Killed by an Automobile,' and I'd be the hero that +picked you up and took you to the hospital." + +"Well," I said, "under the circumstances I shall go with you, +not because you threaten me, but because your poor wife and six +children are threatened with starvation." + +"Good!" he said. "And now all you have to do is to think of +what the excuse you will give my lady boss will be." + +With that he lay back against the cushions and waited. He +seemed to feel that the matter did not concern him any more, and +that the rest of it lay with me. + +"Go ahead!" I said to him. "I have no idea what I shall tell +your mistress, but since I have lost the last train I must try to +catch the two o'clock trolley car to Westeote, and I do not wish +to spend any more time than necessary on this business. Make all +the haste possible, and as we go I shall think what I will say +when we get there." + +The driver got out and took his seat and started the car. I was +worried, indeed, my dear. I tried to think of something plausible +to tell the young man's employer; something that would have an +air of self-proof, when suddenly I remembered the half-filled +nursing-bottle and the three auburn-red curls. Why should I not +tell the lady that a poor mother, while proceeding down Fifth +Avenue from her scrub-woman job, had been taken suddenly ill, and +that I, being near, had insisted that this automobile help me +convey the woman to her home, which we found, alas! to be in the +farthest districts of Brooklyn? Then I would produce the three +auburn-red curls and the half-filled nursing-bottle as having +been left in the automobile by the woman, and this proof would +suffice. + +I had fully decided on this when the automobile stopped in +front of a large house in Fifth Avenue, and I had time to tell +the driver that I had thought of the proper thing to say, but +that was all, for the waiting lady came down the steps in great +anger, and was about to begin a good scolding, when she noticed +me sitting in her automobile. + +If she had been angry before she was now furious, and she was +the kind of young woman who can be extremely furious when she +tries. I think nothing in the world could have calmed her had she +not caught sight of my face by the light of two strong lamps on a +passing automobile. She saw in my face what you see there now, my +dear--the benevolent, fatherly face of a settled-down, +trustworthy, married man of past middle age--and as if by magic +her anger fled and she burst into tears. + +"Oh, sir!" she cried, "I do not know who you are, nor how you +happen to be in my car, but at this moment I am homeless and +friendless. I am alone in the world, and I need advice. Let me +get into the car beside you--" + +"Miss," I said, "I do not like to disoblige you, but I can +never allow myself to be in an automobile at this time of night +with a strange woman, unchaperoned." + +These words seemed almost more than she could bear, and my +heart was full of pity, but, just as I was about to spring from +the automobile and rush away, I saw on the walk the poor woman to +whose baby I had given the half of the contents of the patent +nursing-bottle. I called her and made her get into the +automobile, and then I let the young woman enter. + +"Now," I said, "where to?" + +"That," she said, "is what I do not know. When I left my home +this evening I left it forever, and I left a note of farewell to +my father, which he must have received and read by this time, and +if I went back he would turn me from the door in anger, for he is +a gentleman of the old school." + +When I heard these words I was startled. "Can it be," I asked, +"that you have a brother henry?" + +"I have," she admitted; "Henry Corwin is his name." This was +the name of the young man I had helped that very evening to marry +Madge. I told her to proceed. + +"My father," she said, "has been insisting that I marry a man I +do not love, and things have come to such a point that I must +either accede or take things into my own hands. I agreed to elope +this evening with the man I love, for he had long wished me to +elope with him. I was to meet him outside his house at exactly +one-fifteen o'clock, and I told him that if I was not there +promptly he might know I had changed my mind. When the time came +for me to hasten to him in my automobile, which was then to hurry +us to a waiting minister, my automobile was not here. +Unfortunately I did not know my lover's address, for I had left +it in the card pocket in this automobile. I knew not what to do. +As the time passed and my automobile did not appear I knew that +my lover had decided that I was not coming, and had gone away +into his house. Now I cannot go home, for I have no home. I +cannot so lower my pride as to ring the bell of his house and say +I wish to be forgiven and married even yet. What shall I do?" + +For answer I felt in the card pocket of the automobile and drew +out the address of her lover, and without hesitation I gave the +address to the chauffeur. In a few minutes we were there. Leaving +the young woman in the car with the poor woman, I got out and +surveyed the house. It was unpromising. Evidently all the family +but the young man were away for the summer, and the doors and +windows were all boarded up. There was not a bell to ring. I +pounded on the boards that covered the door, but it was +unavailing. The young woman called to me that the young man lived +in the front room of the topmost floor, and could not hear me, +and I glanced up and saw that one window alone of all those in +the house was not boarded up. Instantly I hopped upon the seat +beside the driver and said, "Central Park." + +We dashed up Fifth Avenue and into the Park at full speed, and +when we were what I considered far enough in I ordered him to +stop, and hurrying up a low bank I began to grope among the +leaves of last year under the trees. I was right. In a few +minutes I had filled my pockets with acorns, was back in the car, +and we were hurrying toward the house of the lover, when I saw +standing on a corner a figure I instantly recognized as Lemuel, +the elevator boy, and at the same time I remembered that Lemuel +spent his holidays pitching for a ball nine, He was just the man +I needed, and I stopped and made him get into the car. In a +minute more we were before the house again, and I handed Lemuel a +fistful of acorns. He drew back and threw them with all his +strength toward the upper window. + +My dear, will you believe it? Those acorns were wormy! They +were light. They would not carry to the window, but scattered +like bits of chips when they had travelled but half-way. I was +upset, but Lemuel was not. He ordered the chauffeur to drive to +lower Sixth Avenue with all speed, in order that he might get a +baseball. With this he said he could hit any mark, and we had +started in that direction when, passing a restaurant on Broadway, +I saw emerge Henry and Madge. + +"Better far," I said to myself, "put this young woman in charge +of her brother and his new wife than leave her to elope alone," +and I made the chauffeur draw up beside them. Hastily I explained +the situation, and where we were going at that moment, and Henry +and Madge laughed in unison. + +"Madge," said Henry, "we had no trouble making wormy acorns +travel through the air, had we?" And both laughed again. At this +I made them get into the automobile, and while we returned to the +lover's house I made them explain. It was very simple, and I had +just tied a dozen acorns tightly in my handkerchief, making a +ball to throw at the window, when the poor woman with the baby +noticed that the window was partly open. I asked Lemuel if he +could throw straight enough to throw the handkerchief-ball into +the window, and he said he could, and took the handkerchief, but +a brighter idea came to me, and I turned to the eloping young +lady. + +"Let me have your handkerchief, if it has your initials on it," +I said; "for when he sees that fall into his room he will know +you are here. He will not think you are forward, coming to him +alone, for he will know you could never have thrown the +handkerchief, even if loaded with acorns, to such a height. It +will be your message to him." + +At this, which I do pride myself was a suggestion worthy of +myself, all were delighted, and while I modestly tied twelve +acorns in the handkerchief on which were the initials "T. M. C.," +all the others cheered. Even the woman from whom I had received +the three auburn-red curls cheered, and the baby that was half- +filled out of the patent nursing-bottle crowed with joy. But the +chauffeur honked his honker. Lemuel took the handkerchief full of +acorns in his hand and drew back his famous left arm, when +suddenly Theodora Mitchell Corwin--for that was the eloping young +lady's name--shrieked, and looking up we saw her lover at the +window. He gave an answering yell and disappeared, and Lemuel let +his left arm fall and handed me the handkerchief-ball. + +In the excitement I dropped it into my pocket, and it was not +until I was on the car for Westcote that I discovered it, and +then, not wishing to be any later in getting home, I did not go +back to give it to Theodora Mitchell Corwin; in fact, I did not +know where she had eloped to. Nor could I give it to Madge or +Henry, for they had gone on their wedding journey as soon as they +saw Theodora and her lover safely eloped. + +I had no right to give it to the poor woman with the baby, even +if she had not immediately disappeared into her world of poverty, +and it certainly did not belong to Lemuel, nor could I have given +it to him, for he took the ten dollars the lover gave him and +stayed out so late that he was late to work this morning and was +discharged. He said he was going back to Texas. So I brought the +handkerchief and the twelve acorns home, knowing you would be +interested in hearing their story. + +When Mr. Billings had thus finished his relation of the +happenings of his long evening, Mrs. Billings was thoughtful for +a minute. Then she said: + +"But Rollin, when I spoke to you of the handkerchief and the +twelve acorns you blushed, and said you had reason to blush. I +see nothing in this kind action you did to cause a blush." + +"I blushed," said Mr. Billings, "to think of the lie I was +going to tell Theodora Merrill Corwin--" + +"I thought you said her name was Theodora Mitchell Corwin," +said Mrs. Billings. + +"Mitchell or Merill," said Mr. Billings. "I cannot remember +exactly which." + +For several minutes Mrs. Billings was silent. Occasionally she +would open her mouth as if to ask a question, but each time she +closed it again without speaking. Mr. Billings sat regarding his +wife with what, in a man of less clear conscience, might be +called anxiety. At length Mrs. Billings put her sewing into her +sewing-basket and arose. + +"Rollin," she said, "I have enjoyed hearing you tell your +experiences greatly. I can say but one thing: Never in your life +have you deceived me. And you have not deceived me now." + +For half an hour after this Mr. Billings sat alone, thinking. + +III +OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + +When our new suburban house was completed I took Sarah out to +see it, and she liked it all but the stairs. + +"Edgar," she said, when she had ascended to the second floor, +"I don't know whether it is imagination or not, but it seems to +me that these stairs are funny, some way. I can't understand it. +They are not a long flight, and they are not unusually steep, but +they seem to be unusually wearying. I never knew a short flight +to tire me so, and I have climbed many flights in the six years +we have lived in flats." + +"Perhaps, Sarah," I said, with mild dissimulation, "you are +unusually tired to-day." + +The fact was that I had planned those stairs myself, and for a +particular reason I had made the rise of each step three inches +more than the customary height, and in this way I had saved two +steps. I had also made the tread of the steps unusually narrow; +and the reason was that I had found, from long experience, that +stair carpet wears first on the tread of the steps, where the +foot falls. By making the steps tall enough to save two, and by +making the tread narrow, I reduced the wear on the carpet to a +minimum. I believe in economy where it is possible. For the same +reason I had the stair banisters made wide, with a saddle-like +top to the newel post, to tempt my son and daughter to slide +downstairs. The less they used the stairs the longer the carpet +would last. + +I need hardly say that Sarah has a fear of burglars; most women +have. As for myself, I prefer not to meet a burglar. It is all +very well to get up in the night and prowl about with a pistol in +one hand, seeking to eliminate the life of a burglar, and some +men may like it; but I am of a very excitable nature, and I am +sure that if I did find a burglar and succeeded in shooting him, +I should be in such an excited state that I could not sleep again +that night--and no man can afford to lose his night's rest. + +There are other objections to shooting a burglar in the house, +and these objections apply with double force when the house and +its furnishings are entirely new. Although some of the rugs in +our house were red, not all of them were; and I had no guarantee +that if I shot a burglar he would lie down on a red rug to bleed +to death. A burglar does not consider one's feelings, and would +be quite as apt to bleed on a green rug, and spoil it, as not. +Until burglarizing is properly regulated and burglars are +educated, as they should be, in technical burglary schools, we +cannot hope that a shot burglar will staunch his wound until he +can find a red rug to lie down on. + +And there are still other objections to shooting a burglar. If +all burglars were fat, one of these would be removed; but perhaps +a thin burglar might get in front of my revolver, and in that +case the bullet would be likely to go right through him and +continue on its way, and perhaps break a mirror or a cut-glass +dish. I am a thin man myself, and if a burglar shot at me he +might damage things in the same way. + +I thought all these things over when we decided to build in the +suburbs, for Sarah is very nervous about burglars, and makes me +get up at the slightest noise and go poking about. Only the fact +that no burglar had ever entered our flat at night had prevented +what might have been a serious accident to a burglar, for I made +it a rule, when Sarah wakened me on such occasions, to waste no +time, but to go through the rooms as hastily as possible and get +back to bed; and at the speed I travelled I might have bumped +into a burglar in the dark and knocked him over, and his head +might have struck some hard object, causing concussion of the +brain; and as a burglar has a small brain a small amount of +concussion might have ruined it entirely. But as I am a slight +man it might have been my brain that got concussed. A father of a +family has to think of these things. + +The nervousness of Sarah regarding burglars had led me in this +way to study the subject carefully, and my adoption of jet-black +pajamas as nightwear was not due to cowardice on my part. I +properly reasoned that if a burglar tried to shoot me while I was +rushing around the house after him in the darkness, a suit of +black pajamas would somewhat spoil his aim, and, not being able +to see me, he would not shoot at all. In this way I should save +Sarah the nerve shock that would follow the explosion of a pistol +in the house. For Sarah was very much more afraid of pistols than +of burglars. I am sure there were only two reasons why I had +never killed a burglar with a pistol: one was that no burglar had +ever entered our flat, and the other was that I never had a +pistol. + +But I knew that one is much less protected in a suburb than in +town, and when I decided to build I studied the burglar +protection matter most carefully. I said nothing to Sarah about +it, for fear it would upset her nerves, but for months I +considered every method that seemed to have any merit, and that +would avoid getting a burglar's blood--or mine--spattered around +on our new furnishings. I desired some method by which I could +finish up a burglar properly without having to leave my bed, for +although Sarah is brave enough in sending me out of bed to catch +a burglar, I knew she must suffer severe nerve strain during the +time I was wandering about in the dark. Her objection to +explosives had also to be considered, and I really had to +exercise my brain more than common before I hit upon what I may +now consider the only perfect method of handling burglars. + +Several things coincided to suggest my method. One of these was +Sarah's foolish notion that our silver must, every night, be +brought from the dining-room and deposited under our bed. This I +considered a most foolhardy tempting of fate. It coaxed any +burglar who ordinarily would have quietly taken the silver from +the dining-room and have then gone away peacefully, to enter our +room. The knowledge that I lay in bed ready at any time to spring +out upon him would make him prepare his revolver, and his +nervousness might make him shoot me, which would quite upset +Sarah's nerves. I told Sarah so, but she had a hereditary +instinct for bringing the silver to the bedroom, and insisted. I +saw that in the suburban house this, would be continued as +"bringing the silver upstairs," and a trial of my carpet-saving +stairs suggested to me my burglar-defeating plan. I had the +apparatus built into the house, and I had the house planned to +agree with the apparatus. + +For several months after we moved into the house I had no +burglars, but I felt no fear of them in any event. I was prepared +for them. + +In order not to make Sarah nervous, I explained to her that my +invention of a silver-elevator was merely a time-saving device. +From the top of the dining-room sideboard I ran upright tracks +through the ceiling to the back of the hall above, and in these I +placed a glass case, which could be run up and down the tracks +like a dumbwaiter. All our servant had to do when she had washed +the silver was to put it in the glass case, and I had attached to +the top of the case a stout steel cable which ran to the ceiling +of the hall above, over a pulley, and so to our bedroom, which +was at the front of the hall upstairs. By this means I could, +when I was in bed, pull the cable, and the glass case of silver +would rise to the second floor. Our bedroom door opened upon the +hall, and from the bed I could see the glass case; but in order +that I might be sure that the silver was there I put a small +electric light in the case and kept it burning all night. Sarah +was delighted with this arrangement, for in the morning all I had +to do was to pay out the steel cable and the silver would descend +to the dining-room, and the maid could have the table all set by +the time breakfast was ready. Not once did Sarah have a suspicion +that all this was not merely a household economy, but my burglar +trap. + +On the sixth of August, at two o'clock in the morning, Sarah +awakened me, and I immediately sat straight up in bed. There was +an undoubtable noise of sawing, and I knew at once that a burglar +was entering our home. Sarah was trembling, and I knew she was +getting nervous, but I ordered her to remain calm. + +"Sarah," I said, in a whisper, "be calm! There is not the least +danger. I have been expecting this for some time, and I only hope +the burglar has no dependent family or poor old mother to +support. Whatever happens, be calm and keep perfectly quiet." + +With that I released the steel cable from the head of my bed +and let the glass case full of silver slide noiselessly to the +sideboard. + +"Edgar!" whispered Sarah in agonized tones, "are you giving him +our silver?" + +"Sarah!" I whispered sternly, "remember what I have just said. +Be calm and keep perfectly quiet." And I would say no more. + +In a very short time I heard the window below us open softly, +and I knew the burglar was entering the parlour from the side +porch. I counted twenty, which I had figured would be the time +required for him to reach the dining-room, and then, when I was +sure he must have seen the silver shining in the glass case, I +slowly pulled on the steel cable and raised case and silver to +the hall above. Sarah began to whisper to me, but I silenced her. + +What I had expected happened. The burglar, seeing the silver +rise through the ceiling, left the dining-room and went into the +hall. There, from the foot of the stairs, he could see the case +glowing in the hall above, and without hesitation he mounted the +stairs. As he reached the top I had a good view of him, for he +was silhouetted against the light that glowed from the silver +case. He was a most brutal looking fellow of the prize-fighting +type, but I almost laughed aloud when I saw his build. He was +short and chunky. As he stepped forward to grasp the silver case, +I let the steel cable run through my fingers, and the case and +its precious contents slid noiselessly down to the dining-room. +For only one instant the burglar seemed disconcerted, then he +turned and ran downstairs again. + +This time I did not wait so long to draw up the silver. I +hardly gave him time to reach the dining-room door before I +jerked the cable, and the case was glowing in the upper hall. The +burglar immediately stopped, turned, and mounted the stairs, but +just as he reached the top I let the silver slide down again, and +he had to turn and descend. Hardly had he reached the bottom step +before I had the silver once more in the upper hall. + +The burglar was a gritty fellow and was not to be so easily +defeated. With some word which I could not catch, but which I +have no doubt was profane, or at least vulgar, he dashed up the +stairs, and just as his hand touched the case I let the silver +drop to the dining-room. I smiled as I saw his next move. He +carefully removed his coat and vest, rolled up his sleeves, and +took off his collar. This evidently meant that he intended to get +the silver if it took the whole night, and nothing could have +pleased me more. I lay in my comfortable bed fairly shaking with +suppressed laughter, and had to stuff a corner of a pillow in my +mouth to smother the sound of my mirth. I did not allow the least +pity for the unfortunate fellow to weaken my nerve. + +A low, long screech from the hall told me that I had a man of +uncommon brain to contend with, for I knew the sound came from +his hands drawing along the banister, and that to husband his +strength and to save time, he was sliding down. But this did not +disconcert me. It pleased me. The quicker he went down, the +oftener he would have to walk up. + +For half an hour I played with him, giving him just time to get +down to the foot of the stairs before I raised the silver, and +just time to reach the top before I lowered it, and then I grew +tired of the sport--for it was nothing else to me--and decided to +finish him off. I was getting sleepy, but it was evident that the +burglar was not, and I was a little afraid I might fall asleep +and thus defeat myself. The burglar had that advantage because he +was used to night work. So I quickened my movements a little. +When the burglar slid down I gave him just time to see the silver +rise through the ceiling, and when he climbed the stairs I only +allowed him to see it descend through the floor. In this way I +made him double his pace, and as I quickened my movements I soon +had him dashing up the stairs and sliding down again as if for a +wager. I did not give him a moment for rest, and he was soon +panting terribly and beginning to stumble; but with almost +superhuman nerve he kept up the chase. He was an unusually tough +burglar. + +But quick as he was I was always quicker, and a glimpse of the +glowing case was all I let him have at either end of his climb or +slide. No sooner was he down than it was up, and no sooner was +the case up than he was up after it. In this way I kept +increasing his speed until it was something terrific, and the +whole house shook, like an automobile with a very powerful motor. +But still his speed increased. I saw then that I had brought him +to the place I had prepared for, where he had but one object in +life, and that was to beat the case up or down stairs; and as I +was now so sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes open, I did what I +had intended to do from the first. I lowered the case until it +was exactly between the ceiling of the dining-room and the floor +of the hall above--and turned out the electric light. I then tied +the steel cable securely to the head of my bed, turned over, and +went to sleep, lulled by the shaking of the house as the burglar +dashed up and down the stairs. + +Just how long this continued I do not know, for my sleep was +deep and dreamless, but I should judge that the burglar ran +himself to death sometime between half-past three and a quarter +after four. So great had been his efforts that when I went to +remove him I did not recognize him at all. When I had seen him +last in the glow of the glass silver case he had been a stout, +chunky fellow, and now his remains were those of an emaciated +man. He must have run off one hundred and twenty pounds of flesh +before he gave out. + +Only one thing clouded my triumph. Our silver consisted of but +half a dozen each of knives, forks, and spoons, a butter knife, +and a sugar spoon, all plated, and worth probably five dollars, +and to save this I had made the burglar wear to rags a Wilton +stair carpet worth twenty-nine dollars. But I have now corrected +this. I have bought fifty dollars worth of silver. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Water Goats et. al. by Butler + diff --git a/old/old/twgts10.zip b/old/old/twgts10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3f7f1d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old/twgts10.zip |