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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12836 ***
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+Good Stories
+
+REPRINTED FROM
+THE LADIES’ HOME JOURNAL
+OF PHILADELPHIA
+
+1907
+
+
+
+
+Warding Off a Catastrophe
+
+
+A fat woman entered a crowded street car and, seizing a strap, stood
+directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she
+lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his
+toes.
+
+As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
+
+“You are very kind, sir,” she said, panting for breath.
+
+“Not at all, madam,” he replied; “it’s not kindness; it’s simply
+self-defense.”
+
+
+
+
+Not What She Expected
+
+
+A charming, well-preserved widow had been courted and won by a
+physician. She had children. The wedding-day was approaching, and it
+was time the children should know they were to have a new father.
+Calling one of them to her she said: “Georgie, I am going to do
+something before long that I would like to talk about with you.”
+
+“What is it, Ma?” aiked the boy.
+
+“I am intending to marry Doctor Jones in a few days, and—”
+
+“Bully for you. Ma, Does Doctor Jones know it?”
+
+
+
+
+Of Course
+
+
+The morning class had been duly instructed and enlightened upon the
+subject of our national independence. Feeling sure she had made a real
+and lasting impression with her explanations and blackboard
+illustrations the young teacher began with the usual round of
+questions:
+
+“Now, Sammy Smith, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”
+
+Sammy, with a shout of glee: “At de bottom, ma’am—that’s what you
+said!”
+
+
+
+
+He Had Certainly Met Him
+
+
+A traveler going to New Zealand was asked by a friend if he would
+inquire, while there, as to the whereabouts of the friend’s
+grandfather, Jeremiah Thompson.
+
+“Certainly,” said the traveler, and wherever he went he asked for news
+of the ancestor, but without avail.
+
+One day he was introduced to a fine old Maori of advanced age. “Did you
+ever meet with an Englishman named Jeremiah Thompson?” he asked.
+
+A smile passed over the Maori’s face. “Meet him?” he repeated. “Why, I
+ate him!”
+
+
+
+
+No Place Like Home
+
+
+A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter’s gate he was asked
+the usual questions:
+
+“What is your name, and where are you from?”
+
+The answer was, “Mr. So-and-So, from Boston.”
+
+“You may come in,” said St. Peter, “but I know you won’t like it.”
+
+
+
+
+She Felt Bad When Well
+
+
+An old lady, really quite well, was always complaining and “enjoying
+poor health,” as she expressed it. Her various ailments were to her the
+most interesting topic in the world. One day a neighbor found her
+eating a hearty meal, and asked her how she was.
+
+“Poor me,” she sighed, “I feel very well, but I always feel bad when I
+feel well, because I know I am going to feel worse afterward.”
+
+
+
+
+Drove Him Mad
+
+
+They took him to the sanatorium moaning feebly: “Thirty-nine,
+thirty-nine.”
+
+“What does he mean by that?” the attendant inquired.
+
+“It’s the number of buttons on the back of his wife’s new frock,” the
+family doctor explained.
+
+
+
+
+Tweedledum or Tweedledee
+
+
+Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important
+city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor
+leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, “Shall we let the
+people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your
+speech now?”
+
+
+
+
+It Was Mary’s Own Idea
+
+
+“Did you mail my letter, Mary?” asked her mistress. “It was an
+important one, you know.”
+
+“Yis, mum, indeed I did.”
+
+“But why have you brought back the two cents I gave you for the stamp?”
+
+“Sure, I didn’t have to use it, mum,” replied Mary. “I slipped th’
+letther into th’ box whin nobody was lukin’.”
+
+
+
+
+He Couldn’t Very Well
+
+
+A husband was being arraigned in court in a suit brought by his wife
+for cruelty.
+
+“I understand, sir,” said the Judge, addressing the husband, “that one
+of the indignities you have showered upon your wife is that you have
+not spoken to her for three years. Is that so?”
+
+“It is, your Honor,” quickly answered the husband.
+
+“Well, sir,” thundered the judge, “why didn’t you speak to her, may I
+ask?”
+
+“Simply,” replied the husband, “because I didn’t want to interrupt
+her.”
+
+
+
+
+A Coat That Wouldn’t Come Off
+
+
+The inspector asked the boys of the school he was examining: “Can you
+take your warm overcoats off?” “Yes, sir,” was the response. “Can the
+bear take his warm overcoat off?” “No, sir.” “Why not?” There was
+silence for a while, and then a little boy spoke up: “Please, sir,
+because God alone knows where the buttons are.”
+
+
+
+
+The Young Housewife’s Latest
+
+
+In the cook’s absence the young mistress of the house undertook, with
+the help of a green waitress, to get the Sunday luncheon. The flurried
+maid, who had been struggling in the kitchen with a coffee machine that
+refused to work, confessed that she had forgotten to wash the lettuce.
+
+“Well, never mind, Eliza. Go on with the coffee, and I’ll do it,” said
+the considerate mistress. “Where do you keep the soap?”
+
+
+
+
+He Did His Best
+
+
+A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the
+waiter:
+
+“Have yez any whale?”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Have yez any shark?”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Have yez any swordfish?”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Have yez any jellyfish?”
+
+“No.”
+
+“All right,” said the Irishman. “Then bring me ham and eggs and a
+beefsteak smothered wid onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish.”
+
+
+
+
+The Power Behind
+
+
+At a prayer-meeting a good old brother stood up and said he was glad to
+give the following testimony:
+
+“My wife and I,” he said, “started in life with hardly a cent in the
+world. We began at the lowest round of the ladder, but the Lord has
+been good to us and we have worked up—we have prospered. We bought a
+little farm and raised good crops. We have a good home and a nice
+family of children, and,” he added with much emphasis, “I am the head
+of that family.”
+
+After he sat down his wife promptly arose to corroborate all that he
+had said. She said that they had started in life with hardly a cent,
+the Lord had been good to them and they had prospered; they did have a
+farm and good crops, and it was true they did have a fine family of
+children. But she added with satisfaction, “I am the neck that moves
+the head.”
+
+
+
+
+Easy Enough
+
+
+Some visitors who were being shown over a pauper lunatic asylum, says
+“Harper’s Weekly,” inquired of their guide what method was employed to
+discover when the inmates were sufficiently recovered to leave.
+
+“Well,” replied he, “you see, it’s this way. We have a big trough of
+water, and we turns on the tap. We leave it running, and tells ’em to
+bail out the water with pails until they’ve emptied the trough.”
+
+“How does that prove it?” asked one of the visitors.
+
+“Well,” said the guide, “them as ain’t idiots turns off the tap.”
+
+
+
+
+He Had Left the Cards All Right
+
+
+The high-born dame was breaking in a new footman—stupid but honest.
+
+In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found she had
+forgotten her bits of pasteboard. So she sent the man back with orders
+to bring some of her cards that were on the mantelpiece in her boudoir,
+and put them in his pocket.
+
+At different houses, she told the footman to hand in one, and sometimes
+a couple, until at last she told Jeames to leave three at one house.
+
+“Can’t do it, mum.”
+
+“How’s that?”
+
+“I’ve only got two left—the ace of spades and the seven of clubs.”
+
+
+
+
+And That Settled It
+
+
+“If ye please, mum,” said the ancient hero, in an appealing voice, as
+he stood at the back door of the cottage on washday, “I’ve lost my
+leg——”
+
+“Well, I ain’t got it,” snapped the woman fiercely,
+
+And the door closed with a bang.
+
+
+
+
+What Do You Think the Porter Did?
+
+
+A lady in the centre seat of the parlor car heard the request of a
+fellow-passenger directly opposite asking the porter to open the
+window, and, scenting a draft, she immediately drew a cloak about her.
+
+“Porter, if that window is opened,” she snapped testily, “I shall
+freeze to death.”
+
+“And if the window is kept closed,” returned the other passenger, “I
+shall surely suffocate.”
+
+The poor porter stood absolutely puzzled between the two fires.
+
+“Say, boss,” he finally said to a commercial traveler seated near by,
+“what would you do?”
+
+“Do?” echoed the traveler. “Why, man, that is a very simple matter;
+open the window and freeze one lady. Then close it and suffocate the
+other.”
+
+
+
+
+She Said It
+
+
+A visitor of noble birth was expected to arrive at a large country
+house in the North of England, and the daughter of the house, aged
+seven, was receiving final instructions from her mother.
+
+“And now, dear,” she said, “when the Duke speaks to you do not forget
+always to say ‘your Grace.’”
+
+Presently the great man arrived, and after greeting his host and
+hostess he said to the child, “Well, my dear, and what is your name?”
+Judge of his surprise when the little girl solemnly closed her eyes and
+with clasped hands exclaimed, “For what we are about to receive may we
+be truly fankful, amen.”
+
+
+
+
+His Idea of Genius
+
+
+A young man once said to Thomas A. Edison, the inventor; “Mr. Edison,
+don’t you believe that genius is inspiration?”
+
+“No,” replied Edison; “genius is _per_spiration.”
+
+
+
+
+Took the Wrong House
+
+
+On one of the Southern railroads there is a station-building that is
+commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in
+America. It is of this station that the story is told that an old
+farmer was expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one
+of his hands, a newcomer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the
+house, loaded it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he
+met a man in uniform with the words “Station Agent” on his cap.
+
+“Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?” he asked.
+
+“My chicken-house, of course,” was the reply.
+
+“Chicken-house be jiggered!” exploded the official. “That’s the
+station!”
+
+
+
+
+And Tommy Did
+
+
+“And now,” said the teacher, “I want Tommy to tell the school who was
+most concerned when Absalom got hung by the hair?”
+
+TOMMY: “Abs’lom.”
+
+
+
+
+The Prayer of Cyrus Brown
+
+
+  “The proper way for a man to pray,”
+    Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,
+  “And the only proper attitude,
+    Is down upon his knees.”
+
+  “No, I should say the way to pray,”
+    Said Reverend Doctor Wise,
+  “Is standing straight, with outstretched arms,
+    And rapt and upturned eyes.”
+
+  “Oh, no; no, no,” said Elder Slow,
+    “Such posture is too proud:
+  A man should pray with eyes fast closed
+    And head contritely bowed.”
+
+  “It seems to me his hands should be
+    Austerely clasped in front,
+  With both thumbs pointing toward the ground,”
+    Said Reverend Doctor Blunt.
+
+  “Las’ year I fell in Hodgkin’s well
+  Head first,” said Cyrus Brown,
+  “With both my heels a-stickin’ up,
+  My head a-p’inting down,
+
+  “An’ I made a prayer right then an’ there—
+  Best prayer I ever said,
+  The prayingest prayer I ever prayed,
+  A-standing on my head.”
+
+
+—SAM WALTER FOSS.
+
+
+
+
+Couldn’t Tell Which
+
+
+Jones had come home later than usual and had ready a good explanation,
+but his wife gave him no chance, and immediately began to tell him what
+she thought of him. He endured it patiently all evening, quietly read
+his paper and went to bed. His wife was still talking.
+
+When he was almost asleep he could hear her still scolding him
+unmercifully. He dropped off to sleep and awoke after a couple of
+hours, only to hear his wife remark:
+
+“I hope all the women don’t have to put up with such conduct as this.”
+
+“Annie,” said Jones, “are you talking again or yet?”
+
+
+
+
+The Greater Calamity
+
+
+Two or three urchins were running down a long and very steep flight of
+steps, when the foremost stumbled and fell headlong twenty to thirty
+feet, and was only stopped near the bottom by doubling backward around
+the newel-post. It looked as though his back was broken, and that he
+was a dead small boy, but he gathered himself up, thrust his hands
+anxiously in his trousers’ pockets, and ejaculated;
+
+“B’ gosh, I b’l’eve I lost a cent.”
+
+
+
+
+Her First Railroad Ride
+
+
+An old lady in Missouri took her first railroad trip last week, says
+“The Butter Democrat.” She noticed the bell-cord overhead, and, turning
+to a boy, she said: “Sonny, what’s that for?” “That, marm,” he said,
+with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “is to ring the bell when you
+want something to eat.”
+
+Shortly afterward the old lady reached her umbrella up to the cord and
+gave it a vigorous pull. The train was in the middle of a trestle. The
+whistle sounded, the brakes were pulled on, the train began to slacken
+its speed, windows were thrown up, questions asked, and confusion
+reigned among the passengers. The old lady sat calmly through it all.
+
+Presently the conductor came running through the train and asked: “Who
+pulled the bell?”
+
+“I did,” replied the old lady meekly.
+
+“Well, what do you want?” asked the conductor impatiently.
+
+“Well,” said the old lady meditatively, “you may bring me a ham
+sandwich and a cup of tea, please.”
+
+
+
+
+The Parson and the “Light”
+
+
+A parson had had a call from a little country parish to a large and
+wealthy one in a big city. He asked time for prayer and consideration.
+He did not feel sure of his light. A month passed. Some one met his
+youngest son. “How is it, Josiah; is your father going to B———?”
+
+“Well,” answered the youngster judicially, “paw is still prayin’ for
+light, but most of the things is packed.”
+
+
+
+
+Turn About is Fair Play
+
+
+Last Christmas a middle-aged tinplate-worker married a widow whose
+acquaintance he had made but a few weeks before while working some
+little distance away from home.
+
+“Sarrah,” he said nervously, after the guests had departed, “I ’ave a
+weddin’ present for ye.”
+
+“What is it, John?” said Sarrah with a smirk.
+
+“I ’ope ye won’t be ’fended, Sarrah,” said John, more agitated than
+ever, “but it is—er—er—it is five of ’em.”
+
+“Five of wat?” asked Sarrah.
+
+“Five children!” blurted out John desperately, anticipating a scene.
+“I didn’t tell ye I ’ad children—five of ’em.”
+
+Sarrah took the news quite calmly; in fact, she appeared relieved.
+
+“Oh, well, John,” she said, “that do make it easier for me to tell ye.
+Five is not so bad as me, watever. Seven I ’ave got!”
+
+“Wat!” howled John.
+
+“Seven,” repeated Sarrah composedly. “That is my weddin’ present to ye,
+John.”
+
+
+
+
+His Only Chance
+
+
+“Is there a man in all this audience,” demanded the female lecturer on
+woman’s rights, “that has ever done anything to lighten the burden on
+his wife’s shoulders? What do you know of woman’s work? Is there a man
+here,” she continued, folding her arms, and looking over the assembly
+with superb scorn, “that has ever got up in the morning, leaving his
+tired, worn-out wife to enjoy her slumbers, gone quietly downstairs,
+made the fire, cooked his own breakfast, sewed the missing buttons on
+the children’s clothes, darned the family stockings, scoured the pots
+and kettles, cleaned and filled the lamps, and done all this, if
+necessary, day after day, uncomplainingly? If there be such a man in
+this audience let him rise up! I should really like to see him!”
+
+And, in the rear of the hall, a mild-looking man in spectacles, in
+obedience to the summons, timidly arose. He was the husband of the
+eloquent speaker. It was the first time he had ever had a chance to
+assert himself.
+
+
+
+
+He Saw Them, All Right
+
+
+Two officers were sent to arrest a Quaker; his wife met them at the
+door and said, “Walk in, gentlemen; my husband will see thee.”
+
+After waiting some time they got impatient and called the woman,
+saying, “You said we should see your husband presently.”
+
+“No, friend,” she replied; “I said he would see thee—he did see thee,
+did not like thy looks, and went out by the back door.”
+
+
+
+
+An Easy Way to Stop It
+
+
+William Penn was once urging a man he knew to stop drinking to excess,
+when the man suddenly asked:
+
+“Can you tell me of an easy way to do it?”
+
+“Yes,” Penn replied readily, “it is just as easy as to open thy hand,
+friend.”
+
+“Convince me of that,” the man exclaimed, “and I will promise upon my
+honor to do as you tell me.”
+
+“Well, my friend,” Penn answered, “whenever thee finds a glass of
+liquor in thy hand, open that hand before the glass touches thy lips,
+and thee will never drink to excess again.”
+
+The man was so struck by the simplicity of the great Quaker’s advice
+that he followed it and reformed.
+
+
+
+
+What Brought Them?
+
+
+A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much
+troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last
+she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive
+at the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys
+of her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by
+six o’clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were
+waiting for her to arrive.
+
+
+
+
+Give and Take
+
+
+An English statesman on one occasion, when engaged in canvassing,
+visited a working-man’s house, in the principal room of which a
+pictorial representation of the Pope faced an illustration of King
+William, of pious and immortal memory, in the act of crossing the
+Boyne.
+
+The worthy man stared in amazement, and seeing his surprise the voter’s
+wife exclaimed;
+
+“Shure, my husband’s an Orangeman and I’m a Catholic.”
+
+“How do you get on together?” asked the astonished politician.
+
+“Very well, indade, barring the twelfth of July, when my husband goes
+out with the Orange procession and comes home feelin’ extry
+pathriotic.”
+
+“What then?”
+
+“Well, he always takes the Pope down and jumps on him and then goes
+straight to bed. The next morning I get up early, before he is awake,
+and take down King William and pawn him and buy a new Pope with the
+money. Then I give the old man the ticket to get King William out.”
+
+
+
+
+Too Much of a Good Thing
+
+
+“I’ve got the very thing you want,” said the stableman to a ruralist in
+search of a horse; “a thorough-going road horse. Five years old, sound
+as a quail, $175 cash down, and he goes ten miles without stopping.”
+
+The purchaser threw his hands skyward.
+
+“Not for me,” he said, “not for me. I wouldn’t gif you five cents for
+him. I live eight miles out in de country, und I’d haf to walk back two
+miles.”
+
+
+
+
+Had Missed It
+
+
+“What are you crying for, my poor little boy?” said a man to a crying
+boy.
+
+“Pa fell downstairs.”
+
+“Don’t take on so, my boy. He’ll get better soon.”
+
+“That isn’t it. Sister saw him fall—all the way. I never saw nuffen.”
+
+
+
+
+Denied the Only Shade
+
+
+It was a broiling hot day in the park, and those walking therein were
+well-nigh exhausted, when a very stout old lady came bustling along one
+of the paths, closely followed by a rough-looking tramp.
+
+Twice she commanded him to leave her, but still he followed just
+behind.
+
+At last the old lady, quite disgusted, turned angrily around and said:
+
+“Look here, my man, if you don’t go away I shall call a policeman.”
+
+The poor fellow looked up at her with a tear in his eye, and then
+remarked:
+
+“For goodness’ sake, mum, have mercy and don’t call a policeman, for
+ye’re the on’y shady spot in the park.”
+
+
+
+
+Wanted to Make Her Happy
+
+
+In one of the many hospitals in the South a bright, busy-looking and
+duty-loving woman hustled up to one of the wounded soldiers who lay
+gazing at the ceiling above his cot. “Can’t I do something for you, my
+poor fellow?” said the woman imploringly. The “poor fellow” looked up
+languidly. The only things he really wanted just at that time were his
+discharge and a box of cigars. When he saw the strained and anxious
+look on the good woman’s face, however, he felt sorry for her, and with
+perfect sang froid he replied: “Why, yes; you can wash my face if you
+want to.”
+
+“I’d be only too glad to,” gasped the visitor eagerly.
+
+“All right,” said the cavalier gallantly, “go ahead. It’s been washed
+twenty-one times already to-day, but I don’t mind going through it
+again if it’ll make you any happier.”
+
+
+
+
+Easy Enough
+
+
+A noted mathematician, considered by many a wonder, stopped at a hotel
+in a small town in Missouri. As usual, in such places, there were a
+number of drummers on hand; there was also a meeting of some medical
+men at the place, who used the hotel as headquarters. One of the
+doctors thought it would be quite a joke to tell the mathematician that
+some of the M.D.’s had concluded to kidnap him and take out his brains
+to learn how it was he was so good in mathematics. He was then asked by
+them what he was going to do about it. He replied: “Why, I shall simply
+go on without brains just as you doctors are doing.”
+
+
+
+
+Not a Complaint at All
+
+
+The good priest had come to his parishioner after the funeral of the
+latter’s mother-in-law to express condolences.
+
+“And what complaint was it, Pat,” he asked sympathetically, “that
+carried the old lady off?”
+
+“Kumplaint, did yi ask, father?” answered Pat. “Thir wuz no kumplaint
+from anybody. Everybody wuz satisfied.”
+
+
+
+
+He Caught It, But——
+
+
+The ferry-dock was crowded with weary homegoers when through the crowd
+rushed a man—hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every
+shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a
+ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an
+instant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd,
+he made a flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and
+landed safely on the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the
+exact spot on which he struck, and they both went down with a
+resounding crash. When the arriving man had somewhat recovered his
+breath he apologized to the fat man. “I hope I didn’t hurt you,” he
+said. “I am sorry. But, anyway, I caught the boat!”
+
+“But, you idiot,” said the fat man, “the boat was coming in!”
+
+
+
+
+He Didn’t Mind
+
+
+A certain railway in Michigan has a station entitled Sawyer’s Mills,
+but usually entitled, for short, Sawyer’s.
+
+A rural couple on one of the trains attracted much attention by their
+evident fondness for each other until the brakeman thrust his head in
+the doorway of the car and called out, “Sawyer! Sawyer!”
+
+“Reuben” suddenly assumed the perpendicular and indignantly exclaimed,
+“Well, I don’t care if you did; we’ve been engaged three weeks.”
+
+
+
+
+He Announced His Intentions
+
+
+Young man and his lady-love attended a protracted meeting which was
+being held in the village church. Arriving late they found the church
+filled, but a gentleman arose and gave the lady his seat, while the
+young man was ushered far away to a seat in another part of the
+building.
+
+The service grew warm and impressive.
+
+“Will those who want our prayers please stand up?” said the preacher.
+
+At this juncture the young man thought it was getting late and he would
+get his sweetheart and go home, but not just knowing where she sat he
+rose to his feet and looked over the audience.
+
+The minister, mistaking his intentions, asked: “Young man, are you
+seeking salvation?”
+
+To which the young man responded: “At present I am seeking Sal
+Jackson!”
+
+
+
+
+As a Last Resort
+
+
+“Well, doctor,” said the patient who was an incessant talker, “why in
+the world don’t you look at my tongue, if you want to, instead of
+writing away like a newspaper editor? How long do you expect I am going
+to sit here with my mouth wide open?”
+
+“Just one moment more, please, madam,” replied the doctor; “I only
+wanted you to keep still long enough so that I could write this
+prescription.”
+
+
+
+
+He Got the Information
+
+
+At a country fair a machine which bore a sign reading, “How to Make
+Your Trousers Last,” occupied a prominent position in the grounds and
+attracted much attention, says “Harper’s Weekly.” A countryman who
+stood gaping before it was told by the exhibitor, a person with a long
+black mustache, a minstrel-stripe shirt, and a ninety-four-carat
+diamond in a red cravat, that for one cent deposited in the slot the
+machine would dispense its valuable sartorial advice. The countryman
+dug the required coin from the depths of a deep pocket and dropped it
+in the slot. Instantly the machine delivered a card on which was neatly
+printed:
+
+“Make your coat and waistcoat first.”
+
+
+
+
+After Many Trials
+
+
+He was a sad-faced American tourist, and as he seated himself in a
+London restaurant he was immediately attended by an obsequious waiter.
+
+“I want two eggs,” said the American—“one fried on one side and one on
+the other.”
+
+“’Ow is that, sir?” asked the astounded waiter.
+
+“Two eggs—one fried on one side and one on the other.”
+
+“Very well, sir.”
+
+The waiter was gone several minutes, and when he returned his face was
+a study.
+
+“Would you please repeat your horder, sir?”
+
+“I said, very distinctly, two eggs—one fried on one side and one on the
+other.”
+
+Oppressive silence, and then a dazed “Very well, sir.”
+
+This time he was gone longer, and when he returned he said anxiously:
+
+“Would it be awsking too much, sir, to ’ave you repeat your horder,
+sir? I cawn’t think I ’ave it right, sir, y’know.”
+
+“Two eggs,” said the American sadly and patiently—“one fried on one
+side and one on the other.”
+
+More oppressive silence and another and fainter “Very well, sir.”
+
+This time he was gone still longer. When he returned his collar was
+unbuttoned, his hair disheveled and his face scratched and bleeding.
+Leaning over the waiting patron he whispered beseechingly:
+
+“Would you mind tyking boiled heggs, sir? I’ve ’ad some words with the
+cook.”
+
+
+
+
+It Was His Only Tie
+
+
+One morning, as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call,
+sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation;
+“There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes’s again without a
+necktie! It’s really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!”
+
+Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.
+
+A few minutes later his neighbor—Mrs. S.—was summoned to the door by a
+messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She
+opened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following
+note:
+
+“Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half
+an hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return
+it, as it is the only one I have?—MARK TWAIN.”
+
+
+
+
+Playing Doctor
+
+
+BILLY: “Gentlemen, before we begin to operate, if you will hold the
+patient’s hands and feet I’ll get that four cents out of his right-hand
+pocket.”
+
+
+
+
+The Feminine Point of View
+
+
+The Willoughbys had said good-by to Mrs. Kent. Then Mr. Willoughby
+spoke thoughtfully:
+
+“It was pleasant of her to say that about wishing she could see more of
+people like us, who are interested in real things, instead of the
+foolish round of gayety that takes up so much of her time and gives her
+so little satisfaction, wasn’t it?”
+
+His wife stole a sidewise glance at his gratified face, and a satirical
+smile crossed her own countenance.
+
+“Very pleasant, George,” she said clearly. “But what I knew she meant,
+and what she knew that I knew she meant, was that my walking-skirt is
+an inch too long and my sleeves are old style, and your coat, poor
+dear, is beginning to look shiny in the back.”
+
+“Why—what—how——” began Mr. Willoughby helplessly; then he shook his
+head and gave it up.
+
+
+
+
+He Had Faith in the Doctor
+
+
+A young English laborer went to the register’s office to record his
+father’s death. The register asked the date of death.
+
+“Well, father ain’t dead yet,” was the reply; “but he _will_ be dead
+before morning, and I thought it would save me another trip if you
+would put it down now.”
+
+“Oh, that won’t do at all,” said the register. “Why, your father may be
+well before morning.”
+
+“Ah, no, he won’t,” said the young laborer. “Our doctor says he won’t,
+and he knows what he’s given father.”
+
+
+
+
+What He Used the Milk For
+
+
+A clergyman had been for some time displeased with the quality of milk
+served him. At length he determined to remonstrate with his milkman for
+supplying such weak stuff. He began mildly:
+
+“I’ve been wanting to see you in regard to the quality of milk with
+which you are serving me.”
+
+“Yes, sir,” uneasily answered the tradesman.
+
+“I only wanted to say,” continued the minister, “that I use the milk
+for drinking purposes exclusively, and not for christening.”
+
+
+
+
+Nothing if Not Polite
+
+
+An interested visitor who was making the final call in the tenement
+district, rising, said:
+
+“Well, my good woman, I must go now. Is there anything I can do for
+you?”
+
+“No, thank ye, mem,” replied the submerged one. “Ye mustn’t mind it if
+I don’t return the call, will ye? I haven’t any time to go slummin’
+meself.”
+
+
+
+
+Her Little Game
+
+
+As a married couple were walking down one of the main thoroughfares of
+a city the husband noted the attention which other women obtained from
+passers-by, and remarked to his better half:
+
+“Folks never look at you. I wish I had married some one better
+looking.”
+
+The woman tartly replied: “It’s your fault. Do you think a man will
+stare at me when you’re walking with me? You step behind and see
+whether men don’t look at me.”
+
+The husband hung back about a dozen yards, and for the length of the
+street was surprised to see every man his wife passed stare hard at her
+and even turn around and look after her.
+
+“Sure, lassie!” he exclaimed as he rejoined her, “I was wrong and take
+it back. I’ll never say aught about your looks again.”
+
+The wife had made a face at every man she met.
+
+
+
+
+A Case of Adaptation
+
+
+Two dusky small boys were quarreling; one was pouring forth a volume of
+vituperous epithets, while the other leaned against a fence and calmly
+contemplated him. When the flow of language was exhausted he said;
+
+“Are you troo?”
+
+“Yes.”
+
+“You ain’t got nuffin’ more to say?”
+
+“No.”
+
+“Well, all dem tings what you called me you is.”
+
+
+
+
+What Would Happen
+
+
+A woman agitator, holding forth on the platform and presenting the
+greatness of her sex, cried out: “Take away woman and what would
+follow?”
+
+And from the audience came a clear, male voice: “We would.”
+
+
+
+
+Couldn’t Fool Him That Far
+
+
+Years ago, when telephones were still a novelty, a farmer came to town
+one day and called on a lawyer friend of his whom he supplied with
+butter, and who had had a telephone recently put in his office.
+
+“Need any butter this morning?” asked the farmer.
+
+“Well, I don’t know,” answered the lawyer. “Wait a minute. I’ll ask my
+wife about it.”
+
+After speaking through the ’phone he went on; “No; my wife says no.”
+
+The farmer’s face was a study for a moment. Then he broke out with:
+“Look-a-here, Mr. Lawyer, I may be a ‘Rube’ and have my whiskers full
+of hay and hayseed, but I’m not such a big fool as to believe that your
+wife is in that box!”
+
+
+
+
+And They Wondered!
+
+
+At a banquet held in a room, the walls of which were adorned with many
+beautiful paintings, a well-known college president was called upon to
+respond to a toast. In the course of his remarks, wishing to pay a
+compliment to the ladies present, and designating the paintings with
+one of his characteristic gestures, he said: “What need is there of
+these painted beauties when we have so many with us at this table?”
+
+
+
+
+She Had Him That Time
+
+
+It was the same old story of a man who refused to tell his wife the
+outcome of a business transaction in which, naturally, she took a deep
+interest.
+
+“No,” he sneered, “I won’t tell you. If I did you’d repeat it. You
+women can never keep a secret.”
+
+“John,” said the woman quietly, “have I ever told the secret about the
+solitaire engagement ring you gave me eighteen years ago being paste?”
+
+
+
+
+Necessity: Not Choice
+
+
+A woman hurried up to a policeman at the corner of Twenty-third Street
+in New York City.
+
+“Does this crosstown car take you down to the Bridge toward Brooklyn?”
+she demanded.
+
+“Why, madam,” returned the policeman, “do you want to go to Brooklyn?”
+
+“No, I don’t want to” the woman replied, “but I have to.”
+
+
+
+
+Mr. Beecher’s Prescription
+
+
+A country clergyman once called on Mr. Beecher and asked his advice
+about what to do with persons who go to sleep in church.
+
+“Well,” said Mr. Beecher, “I’ll tell you what I do. When I first came
+to Plymouth Church I gave the sexton strict orders that if he saw any
+person asleep in my congregation he should go straight to the pulpit
+and wake up the minister.”
+
+
+
+
+A Recipe for a Bridal Couple
+
+
+It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers was a
+newly-married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that
+the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about
+them. The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally
+the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the
+following language at his tormentors: “Yes, we’re married—just married.
+We are going one hundred and sixty miles farther, and I am going to
+‘spoon’ all the way. If you don’t like it you can get out and walk.
+She’s my violet and I’m her sheltering oak.”
+
+During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.
+
+
+
+
+Both of the Same Kind
+
+
+A lady stepped from the Limited Express at a side station, on a special
+stop order. To the only man in sight she asked:
+
+“When is the train for Madison due here, please?”
+
+“The train went an hour ago, ma’am: the next one is to-morrow at eight
+o’clock.”
+
+The lady in perplexity then asked:
+
+“Where is the nearest hotel?”
+
+“There is no hotel here at all,” replied the man.
+
+“But what shall I do?” asked the lady. “Where shall I spend the night?”
+
+“I guess you’ll have to stay all night with the station agent,” was the
+reply.
+
+“Sir!” flashed up the lady, “I’d have you know I’m a lady.”
+
+“Well,” said the man as he strode off, “so is the station agent.”
+
+
+
+
+“Follow the Leader”
+
+
+A young curate was asked to take a Sunday-school class of girls of
+eighteen or nineteen years each, which had formerly been taught by a
+lady. The young clergyman consented, but insisted upon being properly
+introduced to the class. The superintendent accordingly took him to the
+class for this purpose and said:
+
+“Young ladies, I introduce to you Mr. Chase, who will in future be your
+teacher. I would like you to tell him what your former teacher did each
+Sunday so that he can go on in the same way. What did she always do
+first?”
+
+And then a miss of sixteen said: “Kiss us.”
+
+
+
+
+Very Easily Explained
+
+
+A neighbor whose place adjoined Bronson Alcott’s had a vegetable garden
+in which he took a great interest. Mr. Alcott had one also, and both
+men were especially interested in their potato patches. One morning,
+meeting by the fence, the neighbor said, “How is it, Mr. Alcott, you
+are never troubled with bugs, while my vines are crowded with them?”
+
+“My friend, that is very easily explained,” replied Mr. Alcott. “I rise
+very early in the morning, gather all the bugs from my vines and throw
+them into your yard.”
+
+
+
+
+Proved His Teacher Wrong
+
+
+Little Willie’s father found his youthful son holding up one of his
+rabbits by the ears and saying to him: “How much is seven times seven,
+now?”
+
+“Bah,” the father heard the boy say, “I knew you couldn’t. Here’s
+another one. Six times six is how much?”
+
+“Why, Willie, what in the world are you doing with your rabbit?” asked
+the father.
+
+Willie threw the rabbit down with disgust. “I knew our teacher was
+lying to us,” was all he said.
+
+“Why, how?” asked his father.
+
+“Why, she told us this morning that rabbits were the greatest
+multipliers in the world.”
+
+
+
+
+At the Department Store
+
+
+A man with a low voice had just completed his purchases in the
+department store, says the “Brooklyn Eagle.”
+
+“What is the name?” asked the clerk.
+
+“Jepson,” replied the man.
+
+“Chipson?”
+
+“No, Jepson.”
+
+“Oh, yes, Jefferson.”
+
+“No, Jepson; J-e-p-s-o-n.”
+
+“Jepson?”
+
+“That’s it. You have it. Sixteen eighty-two——”
+
+“Your first name; initial, please.”
+
+“Oh, K.”
+
+“O.K. Jepson.”
+
+“Excuse me, it isn’t O. K. You did not understand me. I said ‘Oh’.”
+
+“O. Jepson.”
+
+“No; rub out the O. and let the K. stand.”
+
+The clerk looked annoyed. “Will you please give me your initials
+again?”
+
+“I said K.”
+
+“I beg your pardon, you said O. K. Perhaps you had better write it
+yourself.”
+
+“I said ‘Oh’——”
+
+“Just now you said K.”
+
+“Allow me to finish what I started. I said ‘Oh,’ because I did not
+understand what you were asking me. I did not mean that it was my
+initial. My name is Kirby Jepson.”
+
+“Oh!”
+
+“No, not O., but K. Give me the pencil, and I’ll write it down for you
+myself. There, I guess it’s O. K. now.”
+
+
+
+
+
+The Worst Death There Is
+
+BY BILL NYE
+
+
+It is now the proper time for the cross-eyed woman to fool with the
+garden hose. I have faced death in almost every form, and I do not know
+what fear is, but when a woman with one eye gazing into the zodiac and
+the other peering into the middle of next week, and wearing one of
+those floppy sunbonnets, picks up the nozzle of the garden hose and
+turns on the full force of the institution, I fly wildly to the
+Mountains of Hepsidam.
+
+Water won’t hurt any one, of course, if care is used not to forget and
+drink any of it, but it is this horrible suspense and uncertainty about
+facing the nozzle of a garden hose in the hands of a cross-eyed woman
+that unnerves and paralyzes me.
+
+Instantaneous death is nothing to me. I am as cool and collected where
+leaden rain and iron hail are thickest as I would be in my own office
+writing the obituary of the man who steals my jokes. But I hate to be
+drowned slowly in my good clothes and on dry land, and have my dying
+gaze rest on a woman whose ravishing beauty would drive a narrow-gauge
+mule into convulsions and make him hate himself t’death.
+
+
+
+
+A Long-Lived Family
+
+
+A “dime museum” manager, having heard of a man 123 years of age,
+journeyed to his home to try and secure him for exhibition purposes.
+
+“Well, my friend,” said the museum manager, “the proofs of your age
+seem to be all right. Now, how would you like to come to my place, just
+do nothing but sit on a platform and let people look at you, and I will
+pay you $100 a week?”
+
+“I’d like it all right,” answered the aged man. “But I couldn’t go, of
+course, unless I had my father’s consent.”
+
+“Your father!” gasped the manager. “Do you mean to say your father is
+alive?”
+
+“Yes, indeed,” replied the man.
+
+“Well, where is your father? Home here?” asked the manager.
+
+“Oh, yes,” was the answer. “He’s upstairs, putting grandfather to bed!”
+
+
+
+
+Silenced the Ringleader
+
+
+The head teacher in a Sunday-school was much worried by the noise of
+the pupils in the next room, At last, unable to bear it any longer, he
+mounted a chair and looked over the partition. Seeing a boy a little
+taller than the others talking a great deal, he leaned over, hoisted
+him over the partition, and banged him into a chair in his room,
+saying:
+
+“Now be quiet.”
+
+A quarter of an hour later a smaller head appeared around the door and
+a meek little voice said:
+
+“Please, sir, you’ve got our teacher.”
+
+
+
+
+Got Out of That, All Right
+
+
+“My dear,” said a wife to her husband, “do you realize that you have
+forgotten that this is my birthday?”
+
+“Yes, dearie, I did forget it,” replied the husband. “Isn’t it natural
+that I should? There isn’t really anything about you to remind me that
+you are a day older than you were a year ago.”
+
+
+
+
+He Simply Looked That Way
+
+
+The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to tell from
+a man’s looks exactly what city he came from. “You, for example,” he
+said to the man next to him, “you are from New Orleans?” He was right.
+
+“You, my friend,” turning to the man on the other side of him, “I
+should say you are from Chicago?” Again he was right.
+
+The other two men got interested.
+
+“And you are from Boston?” he asked the third man.
+
+“That’s right, too,” said the New Englander.
+
+“And you from Philadelphia, I should say?” to the last man.
+
+“No, sir,” answered the man with considerable warmth; “I’ve been sick
+for three months: that’s what makes me look that way!”
+
+
+
+
+What She Would Like
+
+
+A little girl stood in a city meat-market waiting for some one to
+attend to her wants. Finally the proprietor was at liberty, approached
+her and said benignantly, “Is there anything you would like, little
+girl?”
+
+“Oh, yes, sir, please: I want a diamond ring, and a seal-skin sacque, a
+real foreign nobleman, and a pug dog, and a box at the opera, and, oh,
+ever so many other things; but all Ma wants is ten cents’ worth of
+bologna.”
+
+
+
+
+The Highest Price in the Store
+
+
+A rich American woman visited a Japanese art shop in Paris. It happened
+to be a dull, dark afternoon. She looked at the bronzes, jewels,
+drawings and other things, and finally, pointing toward a dusky corner,
+she said to the polite young salesman: “How much is that Japanese idol
+over there worth?”
+
+The salesman bowed, and answered: “About five hundred thousand francs,
+madam. It is the proprietor.”
+
+
+
+
+From Different Points
+
+
+“Father, you were born in California, you say?”
+
+“Yes, my son.”
+
+“And mother was born in New York?”
+
+“Yes.”
+
+“And I was born in Indiana?”
+
+“Yes, my boy.”
+
+“Well, father, don’t it beat the Dutch how we all got together!”
+
+
+
+
+So Son: So Father?
+
+
+A small boy who had been very naughty was first reprimanded, then told
+that he must take a whipping. He flew upstairs and hid in the far
+corner under a bed. Just then the father came home. The mother told him
+what had occurred. He went upstairs and proceeded to crawl under the
+bed toward the youngster, who whispered excitedly, “Hello, Pop, is she
+after you, too?”
+
+
+
+
+How Could He?
+
+
+“Papa” was becoming impatient at the lateness of the hour when he
+remarked: “I can’t see why that young fellow who is calling on Minnie
+hasn’t sense enough to go home. It’s near midnight.”
+
+“The dear little brother” of the family just then came in, heard his
+father’s remark, and ventured some light:
+
+“He can’t go, father. Sister’s sitting on him.”
+
+
+
+
+Couldn’t Leave Town
+
+
+A lawyer had a horse that always balked when he attempted to cross a
+certain bridge leading out of the village. No amount of whipping or
+urging would induce him to cross it, so he advertised him for sale: “To
+be sold for no other reason than that the owner would like to leave
+town.”
+
+
+
+
+He Knew His Father
+
+
+“Suppose,” said a father to his little boy, “you have half an apple and
+I give you another half. How much have you?”
+
+“A whole apple,” said the boy.
+
+“Well,” continued the father, “suppose you had a half dollar and I gave
+you another half dollar. What would you have then?”
+
+“A fit,” promptly answered the boy.
+
+
+
+
+A Valuable Office Boy
+
+
+The employer was bending over a table, looking at the directory. The
+new office boy slipped up quietly and poked a note into his hand. The
+surprised employer opened it, and read:
+
+“Honored Sir—Yer pants is ripped.”
+
+
+
+
+She Had a Question to Ask
+
+
+A certain prominent dry-goods merchant is also a Sunday-school
+superintendent. Not long since he devoted the last few moments of the
+weekly session to an impressive elucidation of the parable of the
+Prodigal Son, and afterward asked with due solemnity if any one of the
+“little gleaners” present desired to ask a question. Sissy Jones’s hand
+shot up.
+
+“Very well,” he said, designating her with a benevolent finger and a
+bland smile, “what is it you would like to know, Cecilia?”
+
+“Please, what’s the price of them little pink parasols in your
+show-window?”
+
+
+
+
+The Only Time When He Does
+
+
+A “Subscriber” once wrote to an editor and asked: “Please tell me, does
+a man in running around a tree go before or behind himself?”
+
+The editor answered:
+
+“That depends. If he is trying to catch himself, necessarily he follows
+himself, and consequently goes behind. If, on the contrary, he is
+running away from himself, the deduction leads to the very obvious
+conclusion that he precedes himself, and consequently goes before. If
+he succeeds in catching up with himself, and passes himself, at the
+moment of passing he neither precedes nor follows himself, but both he
+and himself are running even. This is the only case where he does not
+go before or behind himself.”
+
+
+
+
+In the Absence of a Tip
+
+
+“Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not passing
+the horse?” said an English cabman with exaggerated politeness to the
+fat lady who had just paid a minimum fare, with no fee.
+
+“Why?” she inquired.
+
+“Because if ’e sees wot ’e’s been carrying for a shilling ’e’ll ’ave a
+fit,” was the freezing answer.
+
+
+
+
+Her Father Didn’t Like It
+
+
+A young man told his girl the other night that if she didn’t marry him
+he’d get a rope and hang himself right in front of her house. “Oh,
+please, don’t do it, dear,” she said; “you know father doesn’t want you
+hanging around here.”
+
+
+
+
+He Didn’t Mind His Going Once
+
+
+An elderly gentleman, a stranger in New York and not sure of his way,
+stopped a young man on Fifth Avenue and said:
+
+“Young man, I would like very much to go to Central Park.”
+
+The young man became thoughtful for a moment, and then, looking the old
+gentleman in the face, said:
+
+“Well, I don’t mind your going just this once, but don’t ever, ever ask
+me to go there again.”
+
+
+
+
+Never Again
+
+
+It was a pitiful mistake, an error sad and grim. I waited for the
+railway train; the light was low and dim. It came at last, and from a
+car there stepped a dainty dame, and, looking up and down the place,
+she straight unto me came. “Oh, Jack!” she cried, “oh, dear old Jack!”
+and kissed me as she spake; then looked again, and, frightened, cried,
+“Oh, what a bad mistake!” I said, “Forgive me, maiden fair, for I am
+not your Jack; and as regards the kiss you gave, I’ll straightway give
+it back.” And since that night I’ve often stood upon that platform dim,
+but only once in a man’s whole life do such things come to him.
+
+
+
+
+A Kiss in the Rain
+
+BY SAMUEL MINTURN PECK
+
+
+  One stormy morn I chanced to meet
+    A lassie in the town;
+  Her locks were like the ripened wheat,
+    Her laughing eyes were brown.
+  I watched her as she tripped along
+    Till madness filled my brain,
+  And then—and then—I know ’twas wrong—
+   I kissed her in the rain.
+
+  With raindrops shining on her cheek
+    Like dewdrops on a rose,
+  The little lassie strove to speak,
+    My boldness to oppose;
+  She strove in vain, and quivering,
+    Her fingers stole in mine;
+  And then the birds began to sing,
+    The sun began to shine.
+
+  Oh, let the clouds grow dark above,
+    My heart is light below;
+  ’Tis always summer when we love,
+    However winds may blow;
+  And I’m as proud as any prince,
+    All honors I disdain:
+  She says I am her _rain beau_ since
+    I kissed her in the rain.
+
+
+
+
+What He Had Re(a)d
+
+
+An Irishman, says “The Rochester Times,” recently went before Judge
+Stephens to be naturalized.
+
+“Have you read the Declaration of Independence?” the Court asked.
+
+“I hov not,” said Pat.
+
+“Have you read the Constitution of the United States?”
+
+“I hov not, yer Honor.”
+
+The Judge looked sternly at the applicant, and asked:
+
+“Well, what have you read?”
+
+Patrick hesitated but the fraction of a second before replying:
+
+“I hov red hairs on me neck, yer Honor.”
+
+
+
+
+Apostle and Epistle
+
+
+A man riding through the mountains of Tennessee stopped one evening to
+water his horse before a little cabin, outside of which sat an old
+colored woman watching the antics of a couple of piccaninnies playing
+near by.
+
+“Good-evening, Aunty,” he called. “Cute pair of boys you’ve got.
+Your children?”
+
+“Laws-a-massy! Mah chillun! ’Deed, dem’s mah daughteh’s chilluns.
+Come hyah, you boys.”
+
+As the boys obeyed the summons the man inquired their names.
+
+“Clah to goodness, sah, dem chilluns is right smaht named!” said the
+old woman. “Ye see, mah daughteh done got ’ligion long ago, an’ named
+dese hyah boys right out de Bible, sah. Dis hyah one’s named Apostle
+Paul, an’ de uddah’s called Epistle Peter.”
+
+
+
+
+More than Enough
+
+
+An eight-year-old boy went to a church picnic, and, being a favorite
+with the ladies, had been liberally supplied with good things to eat.
+Later in the day one of the ladies noticed the boy sitting near a
+stream with a woebegone expression on his face and his hands clasped
+over his stomach.
+
+“Why, what’s the matter, Willie?” she kindly asked. “Haven’t you had
+enough to eat?”
+
+“Oh, yes’m,” said the boy. “I’ve had enough. I feel as though I don’t
+want all I’ve got.”
+
+
+
+
+His Only Request
+
+
+A pretty young girl was walking through a Richmond hospital with
+delicacies for the sick and wounded. She overheard a suffering young
+Confederate officer say, “Oh, my Lord!”
+
+Wishing to rebuke him slightly she came to his bedside and said:
+
+“I think that I heard you call upon the name of the Lord. I am one of
+His daughters. Is there anything that I can do for you?”
+
+He looked upon the lovely face.
+
+“Yes,” he said, “please ask Him to make me His son-in-law.”
+
+
+
+
+A Good Majority
+
+
+A well-known English surgeon was imparting some clinical instructions
+to half a dozen students, according to “The Medical Age.” Pausing at
+the bedside of a doubtful case he said: “Now, gentlemen, do you think
+this is or is not a case for operation?”
+
+One by one each student made his diagnosis, and all of them answered in
+the negative.
+
+“Well, gentlemen, you are all wrong,” said the wielder of the scalpel,
+“and I shall operate to-morrow.”
+
+“No, you won’t,” said the patient, as he rose in his bed; “six to one
+is a good majority; gimme my clothes.”
+
+
+
+
+Ready to Accommodate Her
+
+
+Attorney-General Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston
+street car, standing next to the gate that protected passengers from
+cars coming on the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the
+car, and, as it stopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden from
+her by the men standing before it.
+
+“Other side, please, lady,” said the conductor.
+
+He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a man.
+The lady took another step toward the gate.
+
+“You must get off the other side,” said the conductor.
+
+“I wish to get off on this side,” came the answer in tones that
+congealed that official into momentary silence. Before he could explain
+or expostulate Mr. Moody came to his assistance.
+
+“Stand to one side, gentlemen,” he remarked quietly. “The lady wishes
+to climb over the gate.”
+
+
+
+
+A New Name for Them
+
+
+One rainy afternoon Aunt Sue was explaining the meaning of various
+words to her young nephew. “Now, an heirloom, my dear, means something
+that has been handed down from father to son,” she said.
+
+“Well,” replied the boy thoughtfully, “that’s a queer name for my
+pants.”
+
+
+
+
+He Wanted to Know
+
+
+A bishop in full robes of office, with his gown reaching to his feet,
+was teaching a Sunday-school class. At the close he said he would be
+glad to answer any questions.
+
+A little hand went up, and he asked: “Well, my boy?”
+
+“Can I ask?” said the boy.
+
+“Certainly,” said the Bishop; “what is it?”
+
+“Well,” asked the boy, “is dem all you’ve got on, or do you wear pants
+under dem?”
+
+
+
+
+Woman’s Love and Man’s Love
+
+
+“There’s just two things that break up most happy homes,” observed a
+philosopher.
+
+“What’s them?” inquired a listener.
+
+“Woman’s love for dry goods an’ man’s love for wet goods, b’gosh!”
+
+
+
+
+Much Simpler
+
+
+At a country fair out in Kansas a man went up to a tent where some elk
+were on exhibition, and stared wistfully up at the sign.
+
+“I’d like to go in there,” he said to the keeper, “but it would be mean
+to go in without my family, and I cannot afford to pay for my wife and
+seventeen children.”
+
+The keeper stared at him in astonishment. “Are all those your
+children?” he gasped.
+
+“Every one,” said the man.
+
+“You wait a minute,” said the keeper. “I’m going to bring the elk out
+and let them see you all.”
+
+
+
+
+One Button was in Use
+
+
+A school principal was trying to make clear to his class the
+fundamental doctrines of the Declaration of Independence.
+
+“Now, boys,” he said, “I will give you each three ordinary buttons.
+Here they are. You must think of the first one as representing Life, of
+the second one as representing Liberty, and the third one as
+representing the Pursuit of Happiness. Next Sunday I will ask you each
+to produce the three buttons and tell me what they represent.”
+
+The following Sunday the teacher said to the youngest member:
+
+“Now, Johnnie, produce your three buttons and tell me what they stand
+for.”
+
+“I ain’t got ’em all,” he sobbed, holding out two of the buttons.
+“Here’s Life an’ here’s Liberty, but mommer sewed the Pursuit of
+Happiness on my pants.”
+
+
+
+
+He Remembered
+
+
+A restaurant-keeper hung out this sign:
+
+_“Coffee:
+Such as Mother Used to Make.”_
+
+A customer asked, pointing to the sign:
+
+“Is your coffee really such as mother used to make?”
+
+“It is,” replied the proprietor.
+
+“Then,” said the man with a reminiscent look, “give me a cup of tea.”
+
+
+
+
+Wasn’t Delicate at All
+
+
+A young man, not regarded as a very desirable suitor, had called upon a
+young lady a number of times, each time to be told by the maid that
+“Miss Florence was not well today.”
+
+One day, in response to his card, the young lady’s mother, who was a
+recent accession to the newly-rich ranks, and whose education was not
+as sure as it might be, appeared and explained once more to the young
+man that the daughter was not well.
+
+“I am very sorry, indeed,” said the young man as he rose to go, “that
+your daughter is so delicate.”
+
+“Delicate?” sniffed the mother; “Florence dell’cate? Not at all.
+Why, she is the most indelicate girl you ever met.”
+
+
+
+
+A Live Topic
+
+
+A member of the faculty of the University of Chicago, according to
+“Harper’s Weekly,” tells of the sad case of a young woman from Indiana
+who was desirous of attaining social prominence in Chicago.
+
+Soon after her arrival there she made the acquaintance of a student at
+the university to whom she took a great fancy.
+
+Evidently it was at this time she realized for the first time that her
+early education had been neglected, for she said to a friend:
+
+“I suppose that, as he is a college man, I’ll have to be awful careful
+what I say. Whatever will I talk about to him?”
+
+The friend suggested history as a safe topic. To her friend’s
+astonishment she took the advice seriously, and shortly commenced in
+earnest to “bone up” in English history.
+
+When the young man called, the girl listened for some time with
+ill-concealed impatience to his talk of football, outdoor meets,
+dances, etc., but finally she decided to take the matter in her own
+hands. She had not done all that reading for nothing; so, a pause in
+the conversation affording the desired opportunity, she suddenly
+exclaimed, with considerable vivacity:
+
+“Wasn’t it awful about Mary, Queen of Scots?”
+
+“Why, what’s the matter?” stammered the student, confused.
+
+“My gracious!” almost yelled the girl from Indiana, “didn’t you know?
+Why, the poor thing had her head cut off!”
+
+
+
+
+The After-College Girl’s Complaint
+
+
+A lady was calling on some friends one summer afternoon. The talk
+buzzed along briskly, fans waved and the daughter of the house kept
+twitching uncomfortably, frowning and making little smothered
+exclamations of annoyance. Finally, with a sigh, she rose and left the
+room.
+
+“Your daughter,” said the visitor, “seems to be suffering from the
+heat.”
+
+“No,” said the hostess. “She is just back home from college and she is
+suffering from the family grammar.”
+
+
+
+
+It All Seemed So Unnecessary
+
+
+A city man once had occasion, says “Lippincott’s Magazine,” to stop at
+a country home where a tin basin and a roller-towel on the back porch
+sufficed for the family’s ablutions. For two mornings the “hired man”
+of the household watched in silence the visitor’s efforts at making a
+toilette under the unfavorable auspices, but when on the third day the
+tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc., had been duly used and
+returned to their places in the traveler’s grip, he could suppress his
+curiosity no longer, so boldly put the question: “Say, Mister, air you
+always that much trouble to yo’se’f?”
+
+
+
+
+Overdid it a Bit
+
+
+A famous statesman prided himself on his success in campaigning, when
+called upon to reach a man’s vote through his family pride.
+
+On one of his tours he passed through a country town when he came
+suddenly upon a charming group—a comely woman with a bevy of little
+ones about her—in a garden. He stopped short, then advanced and leaned
+over the front gate.
+
+“Madam,” he said in his most ingratiating way, “may I kiss these
+beautiful children?”
+
+“Certainly, sir,” the lady answered demurely.
+
+“They are lovely darlings,” said the campaigner after he had finished
+the eleventh. “I have seldom seen more beautiful babies. Are they all
+yours, marm?”
+
+The lady blushed deeply.
+
+“Of course they are—the sweet little treasures,” he went on. “From whom
+else, marm, could they have inherited these limpid eyes, these rosy
+cheeks, these profuse curls, these comely figures and these musical
+voices?”
+
+The lady continued blushing.
+
+“By-the-way, marm,” said the statesman, “may I bother you to tell your
+estimable husband that ———, the Republican candidate for Governor,
+called upon him this evening?”
+
+“I beg your pardon,” said the lady, “I have no husband.”
+
+“But these children, madam—you surely are not a widow?”
+
+“I fear you were mistaken, sir, when you first came up. These are not
+my children. This is an orphan asylum!”
+
+
+
+
+One on the Doctor That Time
+
+
+A prominent physician, whose specialty was physical diagnosis, required
+his patients, before entering his private consultation-room, to divest
+themselves of all superfluous clothing in order to save time. One day a
+man presented himself without having complied with this requirement.
+
+“Why do you come in here without complying with my rules?” demanded the
+doctor. “Just step into that side room and remove your clothing and
+then I’ll see you. Next patient, please!”
+
+The man did as requested, and after a time presented himself in regular
+order duly divested of his clothing.
+
+“Now,” said the doctor, “what can I do for you?”
+
+“I just called,” replied the man, “to collect that tailoring bill which
+you owe us.”
+
+
+
+
+Anxious About Him
+
+
+One winter’s day a very bowlegged tramp called at a home in Ontario and
+stood to warm himself by the kitchen stove. A little boy in the home
+surveyed him carefully for some minutes, then finally approaching him,
+he said: “Say, mister, you better stand back; you’re warping!”
+
+
+
+
+The Only Way He Could Help
+
+
+Chief Justice Matthews, while presiding over the Supreme Court at
+Washington, took the several Justices of the Court for a run down
+Chesapeake Bay. A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was getting
+decidedly the worst of it. As he leaned over the rail in great
+distress, Chief Justice Matthews touched him on the shoulder and said
+in a tone of deepest sympathy: “Is there anything I can do for you,
+Gray?”
+
+“No, thank you,” returned the sick Justice, “unless your Honor can
+overrule this motion.”
+
+
+
+
+He Was Willing to Oblige
+
+
+A young North Carolina girl is charming, but, like a great many other
+charming people, she is poor. She never has more than two evening gowns
+in a season, and the ruin of one of them is always a very serious
+matter to her. She went to a little dancing-party last week and she
+wore a brand-new white frock. During the evening a great big,
+red-faced, perspiring man came up and asked her to dance. He wore no
+gloves. She looked at his well-meaning but moist hands despairingly,
+and thought of the immaculate back of her waist. She hesitated a bit,
+and then she said, with a winning smile;
+
+“Of course I’ll dance with you, but, if you don’t mind, won’t you
+please use your handkerchief?”
+
+The man looked at her blankly a moment or two. Then a light broke over
+his face.
+
+“Why, certainly,” he said.
+
+And he pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose.
+
+
+
+
+Not All the Time, But——
+
+
+A man saw a waiter in a restaurant spill a tureen of tomato soup over a
+young lady’s white gown.
+
+The young lady, instead of flying into a passion, smiled. She said it
+didn’t matter. She continued to eat and to talk as though nothing had
+happened.
+
+This so impressed the man that he got an introduction to the young
+lady, proposed to her at the end of a month or so, and was accepted.
+
+Some time after the marriage he spoke of the tomato-soup accident.
+
+“I shall never forget it,” said the bride.
+
+“Your conduct,” said the man, “was admirable.”
+
+“I remember,” she said, “that I did behave very well at the time; but I
+wish you could have seen the marks of my teeth on the bedpost that
+night.”
+
+
+
+
+Necessity and Invention
+
+
+A mother with her seven children started away on a journey. After
+entering the car the largest child was laid out flat on the seat, and
+the remaining six then sat upon him in a row.
+
+When the conductor came around to collect the fares the mother counted
+her money, handed it over, smiled, and suavely said: “Sir, the oldest
+is under six.”
+
+
+
+
+Taking No Chances
+
+
+An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago,
+and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found
+pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:
+
+“This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain
+fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice.”
+
+
+
+
+Too Much Curiosity
+
+
+A dangerous operation was being performed upon a woman. Old Doctor
+A———, a quaint German, full of kindly wit and professional enthusiasm,
+had several younger doctors with him. One of them was administering the
+ether. He became so interested in the old doctor’s work that he
+withdrew the cone from the patient’s nostrils and she half-roused and
+rose to a sitting posture, looking with wild-eyed amazement over the
+surroundings. It was a critical period, and Doctor A——— did not want to
+be interrupted. “Lay down, dere, voman,” he commanded gruffly. “You haf
+more curiosity as a medical student.”
+
+
+
+
+They Were Both Charged
+
+
+A little girl, brushing her hair, found that it “crackled,” and asked
+her mother why it did.
+
+“Why, dear, you have electricity in your hair,” explained the mother.
+
+“Isn’t that funny?” commented the little one. “I have electricity in my
+hair, and Grandmother has gas in her stomach.”
+
+
+
+
+Could Use the Other Kind, Too
+
+
+“Here,” said the salesman, “is something we call the ‘lovers’ clock.’
+You can set it so it will take it two hours to run one hour.”
+
+“I’ll take that,” said Miss Jarmer with a bright blush. “And now, if
+you have one that can be set so as to run two hours in one hour’s time
+or less, I think I’d like one of that kind, too.”
+
+
+
+
+A Regard for Appearance
+
+
+A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
+season’s hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.
+
+“Law, no, honey!” exclaimed the woman. “I could nevah wear that. I’d
+look jes’ like a blueberry in a pan of milk.”
+
+
+
+
+Rapid-Fire
+
+
+A frivolous young English girl, with no love for the Stars and Stripes,
+once exclaimed at a celebration where the American flag was very much
+in evidence:
+
+“Oh, what a silly-looking thing the American flag is! It suggests
+nothing but checker-berry candy.”
+
+“Yes,” replied a bystander, “the kind of candy that has made everybody
+sick who ever tried to lick it.”
+
+
+
+
+Kipling at a Luncheon
+
+
+At a tea the other day, says “The New York Sun,” a woman heard the
+following remarks made about her favorite author. She turned to listen,
+amazed by the eccentricities of conduct narrated.
+
+“Yes, you know,” the hostess was saying, “Kipling came in and behaved
+so strangely! At luncheon he suddenly sprang up and wouldn’t let the
+waitress come near the table. Every time that she tried to come near he
+would jump at her.
+
+“He made a dive for the cake, which was on the lower shelf of the
+sideboard, and took it into the parlor to eat it. He got the crumbs all
+over the sofa and the beautiful rug.
+
+“When he had finished his cake he simply sat and glared at us.”
+
+The visitor finally could not control herself, and asked:
+
+“Excuse me, but are you speaking of Mr. Rudyard Kipling?”
+
+“Mr. Rudyard Kipling?” echoed the hostess. “Oh, no; Kipling is our
+dog!”
+
+
+
+
+Getting His Trousseau Ready
+
+
+The kindly ’Squire of the neighborhood was just leaving from a friendly
+social visit to Mrs. Maguire.
+
+“And your son, Mrs. Maguire?” said the ’Squire as he reached for his
+hat. “I hope he is well. Busy, I suppose, getting ready for his wedding
+tonight?”
+
+“Well, not very busy this minit, ’Squire,” answered the beaming mother.
+“He’s upstairs in bed while I’m washing out his trousseau.”
+
+
+
+
+There Was a Chance
+
+
+“Going to send your boy on an ocean trip, are you?” said a friend to a
+father.
+
+“Yes,” replied the father. “You see, if there is anything in him I
+think a long sea voyage will bring it out.”
+
+
+
+
+Deserved to be Tried
+
+
+The Judge was at dinner in the new household when the young wife asked:
+“Did you ever try any of my biscuits, Judge?”
+
+“No,” said the Judge, “I never did, but I dare say they deserve it.”
+
+
+
+
+End of the Honeymoon
+
+
+An old married man happened to meet a beaming bridegroom on the
+latter’s first day at business after the wedding trip.
+
+“Hello!” said he; “finished your honeymoon yet?”
+
+“I don’t know,” replied the happy husband, smiling. “I have never been
+able to determine the exact meaning of the word honeymoon.”
+
+“Well, then, has your wife commenced to do the cooking yet?”
+
+
+
+
+If You Have a Mole
+
+
+No one is said to be without a mole or two, and these are some of the
+prognostications that mole-wearers may draw from their brown ornaments;
+
+A mole on the right side of a man’s forehead denotes wonderful luck; on
+the right side of a woman’s forehead, gifts from the dead.
+
+On the left side of a man’s forehead a mole denotes a long term in
+prison, on the left side of a woman’s forehead, two husbands and a life
+of exile.
+
+A man with a mole in the middle of his forehead has a cruel mind; a
+woman with such a mole is foolish and envious.
+
+A mole on the neck in man or woman promises a long and happy life,
+wealth and fame.
+
+A man with a mole on the left side of the upper lip rarely marries, and
+such a mole in the case of a woman denotes suffering.
+
+On the right side of the upper-lip a mole promises great good fortune
+to both sexes.
+
+
+
+
+Her Own Eyes Good Enough for Him
+
+
+A little Scotch boy’s grandmother was packing his luncheon for him to
+take to school one morning. Suddenly looking up in the old lady’s face,
+he said:
+
+“Grandmother, does yer specs magnify?”
+
+“A little, my child,” she answered.
+
+“Aweel, then,” said the boy, “I wad juist like it if ye wad tak’ them
+aff when ye’re packin’ my loonch.”
+
+
+
+
+How Did He Know?
+
+
+After dinner, when the ladies had gone upstairs, the men, over their
+coffee and cigars, talked, as men will, of love.
+
+All of a sudden the host cried in a loud voice:
+
+“I will tell you, gentlemen, this is the truth: I have kissed the
+dainty Japanese girl. I have kissed the South Sea Island maiden. I have
+kissed the slim Indian beauty. And the girls of England, of Germany,
+even of America, I have kissed, but it is most true that to kiss my
+wife is best of all.”
+
+Then a young man cried across the table:
+
+“By Heaven, sir, you are right there!”
+
+
+
+
+So Mother—So Son
+
+
+Vincent was altogether too garrulous in school to please his teachers.
+Such punishments as the institution allowed to be meted out were tried
+without any apparent effect upon the boy until at last the head Master
+decided to mention the lad’s fault upon his monthly report.
+
+So the next report to his father had these words: “Vincent talks a
+great deal.”
+
+Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this written in red
+ink under the comment: “You ought to hear his mother.”
+
+
+
+
+An Endless Wash
+
+
+In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an
+Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two privates
+were deputed to strip and wash him.
+
+The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed
+him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and
+large cakes of white soap.
+
+After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He
+saluted his officer and said disconsolately:
+
+“It’s no use, sir. It’s no use.”
+
+“No use?” said the officer. “What do you mean? Haven’t you washed that
+Afghan yet?”
+
+“It’s no use, sir,” the private repeated. “We’ve washed him for two
+hours, but it’s no use.”
+
+“How do you mean it’s no use?” said the officer angrily.
+
+“Why, sir,” said the private, “after rubbin’ him and scrubbin’ him till
+our arms ached I’ll be hanged if we didn’t come to another suit of
+clothes.”
+
+
+
+
+Once Dead Always Dead
+
+
+The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain,
+had died to slow music, says a storyteller in “The Chicago Tribune.”
+
+The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.
+
+He refused to appear.
+
+But the audience still insisted.
+
+Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.
+
+“Ladies an’ gintlemen,” he said, “the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he
+says he’s dead, an’ he’s goin’ to stay dead.”
+
+
+
+
+Had to Get it Done Somehow
+
+
+A little boy bustled into a grocery one day with a memorandum in his
+hand.
+
+“Hello, Mr. Smith,” he said. “I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 32
+cents.”
+
+“Very good,” said the grocer, and he noted down the sale, and put his
+clerk to packing the coffee. “Anything else, Charlie?”
+
+“Yes. Twenty-seven pounds of sugar at 9 cents.”
+
+“The loaf, eh? And what else?”
+
+“Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 20 cents.”
+
+“That will be a good brand. Go on.”
+
+“Five pounds of tea at 90 cents; eleven and a half quarts of molasses
+at 8 cents a pint; two eight-pound hams at 21¼ cents, and five dozen
+jars of pickled walnuts at 24 cents a jar.”
+
+The grocer made out the bill,
+
+“It’s a big order,” he said. “Did your mother tell you to pay for it?”
+
+“My mother,” said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill,
+“has nothing to do with this business. It is my arithmetic lesson and I
+had to get it done somehow.”
+
+
+
+
+A Personal Demonstration
+
+
+Chatting in leisurely fashion with Prince Bismarck in Berlin Lord
+Russell asked the Chancellor how he managed to rid himself of
+importunate visitors whom he could not refuse to see, but who stuck
+like burrs when once admitted.
+
+“Oh,” replied Bismarck, “I have my easy escape. My wife knows people of
+this class very well, and when she is sure there is a bore here and
+sees them staying too long she manages to call me away on some
+plausible pretext.”
+
+Scarcely had he finished speaking when the Princess Bismarck appeared
+at the door. “My dear,” she said to her husband, “you must come at once
+and take your medicine; you should have taken it an hour ago.”
+
+
+
+
+Not for Him
+
+
+A quiet and retiring citizen occupied a seat near the door of a crowded
+car when a masterful stout woman entered.
+
+Having no newspaper behind which to hide he was fixed and subjugated by
+her glittering eye. He rose and offered his place to her. Seating
+herself—without thanking him—she exclaimed in tones that reached to the
+farthest end of the car:
+
+“What do you want to stand up there for? Come here and sit on my lap.”
+
+“Madam,” gasped the man, as his face became scarlet. “I beg your
+pardon, I—I——”
+
+“What do you mean?” shrieked the woman. “You know very well I was
+speaking to my niece there behind you.”
+
+
+
+
+Such a Pleasant Room
+
+
+“It ain’t ev’rybody I’d put to sleep in this room,” said old Mrs. Jinks
+to the fastidious and extremely nervous young minister who was spending
+a night at her house.
+
+“This here room is full of sacred associations to me,” she went on, as
+she bustled around opening shutters and arranging the curtains. “My
+first husband died in that bed with his head on these very pillers, and
+poor Mr. Jinks died settin’ right in that corner. Sometimes when I come
+into the room in the dark I think I see him settin’ there still.
+
+“My own father died layin’ right on that lounge under the winder. Poor
+Pa! He was a Speeritualist, and he allus said he’d appear in this room
+after he died, and sometimes I’m foolish enough to look for him. If you
+should see anything of him tonight you’d better not tell me; for it’d
+be a sign to me that there was something in Speeritualism, and I’d hate
+to think that.
+
+“My son by my first man fell dead of heart-disease right where you
+stand. He was a doctor, and there’s two whole skeletons in that closet
+that belonged to him, and half a dozen skulls in that lower drawer.
+
+“There, I guess things’ll do now——
+
+“Well, good-night, and pleasant dreams.”
+
+
+
+
+Giving a Woman Her Rights
+
+
+The car was full and the night was wet. The bell rang, the car stopped,
+and a lady entered. As she looked tired a nice old gentleman in the
+corner rose and inquired in a kind voice, “Would you like to sit down,
+ma’am? Excuse me, though,” he added; “I think you are Mrs. Sprouter,
+the advocate of woman’s rights.”
+
+“I am, sir,” replied the lady calmly.
+
+“You think that women should be equal to men?” further queried the old
+gentleman.
+
+“Certainly,” was the firm reply.
+
+“You think that they should have the same rights and privileges?” was
+the next question.
+
+“Most emphatically,” came from the supporter of woman’s rights.
+
+“Very well,” said the kind old gentleman, sitting down again, “just
+stand up and enjoy them.”
+
+
+
+
+A Riddle to Willie
+
+
+  I asked my Pa a simple thing;
+    “Where holes in doughnuts go?”
+  Pa read his paper, then he said:
+    “Oh, you’re too young to know.”
+
+  I asked my Ma about the wind:
+    “Why can’t you see it blow?”
+  Ma thought a moment, then she said:
+   “Oh, you’re too young to know.”
+
+  Now, why on earth do you suppose
+    They went and licked me so?
+  Ma asked: “Where is that jam?” I said:
+    “Oh, you’re too young to know.”
+
+
+
+
+Under Her Bed
+
+
+Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house
+the night before.
+
+“Yes,” she said, “I heard a noise and got up, and there from under the
+bed I saw a man’s legs sticking out.”
+
+“Mercy,” exclaimed a woman—“the burglar’s legs?”
+
+“No, my dear, my husband’s legs. He had heard the noise, too.”
+
+
+
+
+Didn’t Think He Was Polite
+
+
+They were on their honeymoon. He had bought a catboat and had taken her
+out to show her how well he could handle a boat, putting her to tend
+the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in no uncertain tones:
+
+“Let go the sheet.”
+
+No response.
+
+Then again:
+
+“Let go that sheet, quick.”
+
+Still no movement. A few minutes after, when both were clinging to the
+bottom of the overturned boat, he said:
+
+“Why didn’t you let go that sheet when I told you to, dear?”
+
+“I would have,” said the bride, “if you had not been so rough about it.
+You ought to speak more kindly to your wife.”
+
+
+
+
+He Had a Large Reach
+
+
+President Eliot, of Harvard, on a visit to the Pacific Coast, met
+Professor O. B. Johnson, of the University of Washington, says “The
+New York Tribune.” In the course of the conversation President Eliot
+asked the Westerner what chair he held.
+
+“Well,” said Professor Johnson, “I am professor of biology, but I also
+give instruction in meteorology, botany, physiology, chemistry,
+entomology and a few others.”
+
+“I should say that you occupied a whole settee, not a chair,” replied
+Harvard’s chief.
+
+
+
+
+When Fighting Really Began
+
+
+An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the
+outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness
+in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the
+witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon
+verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She
+insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency
+finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.
+
+“Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn’t amount to nuthn’. The fust I knowed
+about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked
+him down with a stick o’ wood. One o’ Bill’s friends then cut Tom with
+a knife, slicin’ a big chunk out o’ him. Then Sam Jones, who was a
+friend of Tom’s, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three
+or four others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some
+excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin’.”
+
+
+
+
+Guarding Against Future Mistakes
+
+
+An early morning customer in an optician’s shop was a young woman with
+a determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. “I want to
+look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power.”
+
+“Yes, ma’am,” replied the salesman; “something very strong?”
+
+“Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder
+which I never want to repeat.”
+
+“Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?”
+
+“No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a blackberry.”
+
+
+
+
+A Mistake on Both Sides
+
+
+An old gentleman on board one of the numerous steamers which ply
+between Holyhead and the Irish coast missed his handkerchief, and
+accused a soldier standing by his side of stealing it, which the
+soldier, an Irishman, denied. Some few minutes afterward the gentleman
+found the missing article in his hat; he was then most profuse in his
+apologies to the soldier.
+
+“Not another wurrd,” said Pat; “it was a misthake on both sides—ye took
+me for a thafe, and I took ye for a gintlemon.”
+
+
+
+
+Sauce for the Gander
+
+
+A busy merchant was about to leave his home in Brixton for a trip on
+the Continent, and his wife, knowing his aversion to letter-writing,
+reminded him gently of the fact that she and the children would be
+lonely in his absence and anxious as to his welfare from day to day.
+Kissing him affectionately, she said:
+
+“Now, John, you must be eyes and ears for us at home and drop us an
+occasional post-card telling us anything of interest. Don’t forget,
+will you, dear?”
+
+The husband promised. The next morning his wife received a postal-card:
+“Dear wife, I reached Dover all right. Yours aff.”
+
+Though somewhat disappointed she thought her husband must have been
+pressed for time. Two days later, however, another card arrived, with
+the startling announcement: “Here I am in Paris. Yours ever.” And still
+later: “I am indeed in Paris. Yours.”
+
+Then the wife decided to have a little fun and seized her pen and
+wrote: “Dear husband, the children and I are at Brixton. Yours.”
+
+A few days later she wrote again: “We are still in Brixton.”
+
+In her last communication she grew more enthusiastic: “Dear husband,
+here we are in Brixton. I repeat it, sir, we are in Brixton. P.S.—We
+are, indeed.”
+
+In due time her husband reached home, fearing that his poor wife had
+temporarily lost her senses, and hastened to ask the meaning of her
+strange messages. With a winning smile she handed him his own three
+postal-cards.
+
+
+
+
+Those Hits at “The Journal”
+
+
+“Life” has the latest and best of those jokes aimed at this magazine,
+which seem so popular.
+
+This time it is of a mighty hunter who has just killed, by a single
+shot, a tiger of incredible immensity.
+
+After the great feat a friend standing by says to the man of brawn:
+
+“Mighty steady nerves you must have. That beast was right on you! How
+do you explain it?”
+
+“Easy enough,” says the mighty hunter. “I bathe three times a day,
+never touch meat, fruit, cereals, stimulants or tobacco, drink five
+gallons of water after every meal, and read nothing but THE LADIES’
+HOME JOURNAL.”
+
+
+
+
+Easing His Conscience
+
+
+The Rev. Mr. Goodman (inspecting himself in mirror): “Caroline, I don’t
+really believe I ought to wear this wig. It looks like living a lie.”
+
+“Bless your heart, Avery,” said his better half, “don’t let that
+trouble you. That wig will never fool anybody for one moment.”
+
+
+
+
+He Would Lose, Anyway
+
+
+Here is a young physician who has never been able to smoke a cigar.
+“Just one poisons me,” says the youthful doctor.
+
+Recently the doctor was invited to a large dinner-party. When the women
+had left the table cigars were accepted by all the men except the
+physician. Seeing his friend refuse the cigar the host in astonishment
+exclaimed:
+
+“What, not smoking? Why, my dear fellow, you lose half your dinner!”
+
+“Yes, I know I do,” meekly replied the doctor, “but if I smoked one I
+should lose the whole of it!”
+
+
+
+
+Force of Habit
+
+
+A physician started a model insane asylum, says “The New York Sun,” and
+set apart one ward especially for crazy motorists and chauffeurs.
+Taking a friend through the building he pointed out with particular
+pride the automobile ward and called attention to its elegant
+furnishings and equipment.
+
+“But,” said the friend, “the place is empty; I don’t see any patients.”
+
+“Oh, they are all under the cots fixing the slats,” explained the
+physician.
+
+
+
+
+What “R. S. V. P.” Means
+
+
+A young man asked a country ’squire what the letters “R. S. V. P.”
+meant at the foot of an invitation. The ’squire, with a little chuckle,
+answered:
+
+“They mean, ‘Rush in, Shake hands, Victual up, and Put.’”
+
+
+
+
+The Wrong Kind of a Baby
+
+
+In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is a
+six-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to see
+the new arrival he exclaimed:
+
+“Oh, mamma, it hasn’t any teeth! And no hair!” Then, clasping his hands
+in despair, he cried: “Somebody has done us! It’s an old baby.”
+
+
+
+
+A Poser for the Salesman
+
+
+“It’s not so much a durable article that I require, sir,” said Miss
+Simpkins. “I want something dainty, you know; something coy, and at the
+same time just a wee bit saucy—that might look well for evening wear.”
+
+
+
+
+Not in the Army, After All
+
+
+A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: “Come up en jine de army ob de
+Lohd.”
+
+“Ise done jined,” replied one of the congregation.
+
+“Whar’d yoh jine?” asked the exhorter.
+
+“In de Baptis’ Chu’ch.”
+
+“Why, chile,” said the exhorter, “yoh ain’t in the army; yoh’s in de
+navy.”
+
+
+
+
+Her Literary Loves
+
+
+A talented young professor who was dining one evening at the home of a
+college president became very much interested in the very pretty girl
+seated at his left. Conversation was somewhat fitful. Finally he
+decided to guide it into literary channels, where he was more at home,
+and, turning to his companion, asked;
+
+“Are you fond of literature?”
+
+“Passionately,” she replied. “I love books dearly.”
+
+“Then you must admire Sir Walter Scott,” he exclaimed with sudden
+animation. “Is not his ‘Lady of the Lake’ exquisite in its flowing
+grace and poetic imagery? Is it not——”
+
+“It is perfectly lovely,” she assented, clasping her hands in ecstasy.
+“I suppose I have read it a dozen times.”
+
+“And Scott’s ‘Marmion’” he continued, “with its rugged simplicity and
+marvelous description—one can almost smell the heather on the heath
+while perusing its splendid pages.”
+
+“It is perfectly grand,” she murmured.
+
+“And Scott’s ‘Peveril of the Peak’ and his noble ‘Bride of
+Lammermoor’—where in the English language will you find anything more
+heroic than his grand auld Scottish characters and his graphic,
+forceful pictures of feudal times and customs? You like them, I am
+sure.”
+
+“I just dote upon them,” she replied.
+
+“And Scott’s Emulsion,” he continued hastily, for a faint suspicion was
+beginning to dawn upon him.
+
+“I think,” she interrupted rashly, “that it’s the best thing he ever
+wrote.”
+
+
+
+
+How Grandma Viewed Them
+
+
+“I’m glad Billy had the sense to marry a settled old maid,” said
+Grandma Winkum at the wedding.
+
+“Why, Grandma?” asked the son.
+
+“Well, gals is hity-tity, and widders is kinder overrulin’ and
+upsettin’. But old maids is thankful and willin’ to please.”
+
+
+
+
+So Easy When it is Explained
+
+
+A woman riding in a Philadelphia trolley-car said to the conductor:
+
+“Can you tell me, please, on what trolley-cars I can use these exchange
+slips? They mix me up somewhat.”
+
+“They really shouldn’t, madam,” said the polite conductor. “It is very
+simple: East of the junction by a westbound car an exchange from an
+eastbound car is good only if the westbound car is west of the junction
+formed by said eastbound car. South of the junction formed by a
+northbound car an exchange from a southbound car is good south of the
+junction if the northbound car was north of the junction at the time of
+issue, but only south of the junction going south if the southbound car
+was going north at the time it was south of the junction. That is all
+there is to it.”
+
+
+
+
+Sixty Girls Not One Too Many
+
+
+A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a
+large building: “Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth
+floor.”
+
+
+
+
+One on the President
+
+
+When the President alighted at Red Hill, Virginia, a few months ago, to
+see his wife’s new cottage, he noticed that an elderly woman was about
+to board the train, and, with his usual courtesy, he rushed forward to
+assist her. That done, he grasped her hand and gave it an “executive
+shake.” This was going too far, and the woman, snatching her hand away
+and eying him wrathfully, exclaimed: “Young man, I don’t know who you
+are, and I don’t care a cent; but I must say you are the freshest
+somebody I’ve ever seen in these parts.”
+
+
+
+
+No Doubt of it
+
+
+The lesson was from the “Prodigal Son,” and the Sunday-school teacher
+was dwelling on the character of the elder brother. “But amidst all the
+rejoicing,” he said, “there was one to whom the preparation of the
+feast brought no joy, to whom the prodigal’s return gave no pleasure,
+but only bitterness; one who did not approve of the feast being held,
+and had no wish to attend it. Now can any of you tell who this was?”
+There was a short silence, followed by a vigorous cracking of thumbs,
+and then from a dozen little mouths came the chorus: “Please, sir, it
+was the fatted calf.”
+
+
+
+
+The Lesson Stopped
+
+
+The teacher was taking a class in the infant Sabbath-school room and
+was making her pupils finish each sentence to show that they understood
+her.
+
+“The idol had eyes,” the teacher said, “but it could not——”
+
+“See,” cried the children.
+
+“It had ears, but it could not——”
+
+“Hear,” was the answer.
+
+“It had lips,” she said, “but it could not——”
+
+“Speak,” once more replied the children.
+
+“It had a nose, but it could not——”
+
+“Wipe it,” shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment.
+
+
+
+
+The Wrong One
+
+
+A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when one
+night, as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, her mother
+entered the room instead, and asked him in a very grave, stern way what
+his intentions were.
+
+He turned very red, and was about to stammer some incoherent reply,
+when suddenly the young lady called down from the head of the stairs:
+
+“Mamma, mamma, that is not the one.”
+
+
+
+
+A Good Pair of Boots
+
+
+“You know,” said a “smart” young man to a girl, “some one has said that
+‘if you would make a lasting pair of boots take for the sole the tongue
+of a woman.’”
+
+“Yes,” replied the girl, “and for the uppers you ought to take the
+cheek of the man who said it.”
+
+
+
+
+Not Just the Right Place
+
+
+A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a
+crowded street car.
+
+“Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?” he asked, looking doubtfully
+at her blushing face.
+
+“Don’t you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?” was the
+low, embarrassed reply.
+
+
+
+
+What Else Could He Be?
+
+
+There is a man who is the head of a large family, nearly every member
+of which is a performer on some kind of musical instrument.
+
+A friend who was visiting the house of this man referred to the fact,
+remarking that it must be a source of great pleasure to the family, but
+to this observation the father made no reply.
+
+“Really,” continued the friend, “it is remarkable. Your younger son is
+a cornetist, both your daughters are pianists, your wife is a
+violinist, and, I understand, the others are also musicians. Now what
+are you, the father of such a musical combination?”
+
+“I,” replied the old man sadly—“I am a pessimist.”
+
+
+
+
+He Had to Stand Up
+
+
+An American doctor built an elegant home, says the “San Francisco
+Chronicle”; his bathroom was exceptionally beautiful, being of white
+marble with silver hardware; a music-box was concealed in the room.
+After completion of the home an Englishman came to visit the doctor.
+Now the English always show great respect for their sovereign and their
+country, and this one was no exception.
+
+After showing his home to the Englishman the doctor remembered the
+fondness English people have for the bath, and escorted his guest to
+the bathroom, and while there turned on the music-box, wishing to give
+his guest a pleasant surprise as he bathed. Then he left his friend in
+the bathroom.
+
+About an hour later the Englishman joined his host in the drawing-room.
+The doctor immediately asked what his guest thought of the bathroom.
+The Englishman replied: “It is beautiful, beautiful.”
+
+“Well,” said the doctor, “how did you like my music-box?”
+
+Said his guest with great disgust in his tones:
+
+“Bah! That music-box! The old thing played ‘God Save the King,’ and
+I had to stand up the whole time I was trying to bathe.”
+
+
+
+
+His Heartbreaking Task
+
+
+“Darling,” said the bride, “I had a terrible feeling of sadness come
+over me this afternoon—a sort of feeling that you were doing something
+that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet, what were you
+doing, now, this afternoon at four o’clock?”
+
+“Dearest,” replied the husband tenderly and reassuringly, “at that hour
+I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes.”
+
+
+
+
+Easily Accounted For
+
+
+An Irishman, upon arriving in America, was asked his name at Ellis
+Island. He gave it.
+
+“Speak louder,” said the officer.
+
+He repeated it.
+
+“Louder,” again said the officer; “why, man, your voice is as soft as a
+woman’s!”
+
+“Well,” said Pat, “that might be. Me mother was a woman.”
+
+
+
+
+The Retort Courteous!
+
+
+A merry party being gathered in a city flat made such a racket that the
+occupant of a neighboring apartment sent his servant down with a polite
+message asking if it would be possible for the party to make less
+noise, since, as the servant announced, “Mr. Smith says that he cannot
+read.”
+
+“I am very sorry for Mr. Smith,” replied the host. “Please present my
+compliments to your master, say that I am sorry he cannot read, and
+tell him I could when I was four years old!”
+
+
+
+
+When He Left
+
+
+A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her
+husband, and concluded by saying, “Did he leave you much?”
+
+“Nearly every night,” was the reply.
+
+
+
+
+A Popular Store
+
+
+The salesman in a large department store wore a troubled look. “You
+must be severely tried,” said a man standing by. “There are all sorts
+and conditions of people in the world,”
+
+“Yes, there are,” said the salesman, “and they’re all here, too!”
+
+
+
+
+He Couldn’t Bend
+
+
+A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who were
+extremely devout. Before each meal a long grace was said. To their
+dismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt upright while the others at
+table reverently bowed their heads. When the second day passed and the
+young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady of the house
+could endure the situation no longer.
+
+“Atheism?” asked she sharply.
+
+“No, madam,” humbly responded the new boarder; “boil.”
+
+
+
+
+Really, All the Same
+
+
+As the railroad train was stopping an old lady, not accustomed to
+traveling, hailed the passing conductor and asked:
+
+“Conductor, what door shall I get out by?”
+
+“Either door, ma’am,” graciously answered the conductor. “The car stops
+at both ends.”
+
+
+
+
+He Had a Good Excuse
+
+
+“Good-morning, Mrs. Stubbins,” said the parson; “is your husband at
+home?”
+
+“’E’s ’ome, sir, but ’e’s abed,” replied Mrs. Stubbins, who had just
+finished hanging a pair of recently-patched trousers on the
+clothesline.
+
+“How is it he didn’t come to church on Sunday? You know we must have
+our hearts in the right place.”
+
+“Lor’, sir,” retorted the faithful wife, “’is ’eart’s all right. It’s
+’is trouziz!”
+
+
+
+
+One of Lincoln’s Little Notes
+
+
+President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter was
+in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known, conducted
+a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any mistakes that he
+made very little headway. President Lincoln sent this brief but
+exceedingly pertinent letter:
+
+“_My Dear McClellan:_ If you don’t want to use the army I should like
+to borrow it for a while.”
+
+“Yours respectfully,
+A. LINCOLN.”
+
+
+
+
+Fair Play
+
+
+A group of drummers were trading yarns on the subject of hospitality,
+says “Lippincott’s Magazine,” when one of them took up his parable
+thus:
+
+“I was down in Louisiana last month travelin’ cross country when we
+kinder got lost in a lonesome sort of road just about dark, and when we
+saw a light ahead I tell you it looked first rate. We drove up to the
+light, findin’ ’twas a house, and when I hollered the man came out and
+we asked him to take us in for the night.  He looked at us mighty hard,
+then said, ‘Wall, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.’
+
+“So we unhitched, went in, and found ’twas only a two-room shanty and
+just swarmin’ with children. He had six from four to ’leven years old,
+and as there didn’t seem to be but one bed, me an’ Stony was wonderin’
+what in thunder would become of us.
+
+“They gave us supper, and then the old woman put the two youngest kids
+to bed. They went straight to sleep. Then she took those out, laid them
+over in the corner, put the next two to bed, and so on. After all the
+children were asleep on the floor the old folks went in the other room
+and told us we could go to bed if we wanted to, and, bein’ powerful
+tired out, we did.
+
+“Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up we was lying over in the
+corner with the kids, and the old man and the old woman had the bed!”
+
+
+
+
+Cold Comfort That
+
+
+A country minister who lived quite a distance from his church was
+overtaken on the way over one Sunday morning by a heavy shower. The
+rain poured in torrents, and by the time he arrived at the church he
+was almost drenched. Shaking the water from his hat and coat he
+remarked:
+
+“Really, friends, I am almost too wet to preach.”
+
+“Oh, never mind,” replied one of his congregation; “you’ll be dry
+enough in the pulpit!”
+
+
+
+
+A “Billet-Doux”
+
+
+  She was a winsome country lass,
+  So William on a brief vacation,
+  The time more pleasantly to pass,
+        Essayed flirtation.
+  And while they strolled in twilight dim,
+        As near the time for parting drew,
+  Asked if she would have from him
+        A “billet-doux.”
+  Now this simple maid of French knew naught,
+  But doubting not ’twas something nice,
+  Shyly she lifted her pretty head,
+  Her rosy lips together drew, and coyly said,
+        “Yes, Billy—do,”
+        And William—did.
+
+
+
+
+When Pat Laughed Last
+
+
+A short time ago two Englishmen on a visit to Ireland hired a boat for
+the purpose of having a sail.
+
+One of the Britons, thinking he would have a good joke at Pat’s
+expense, asked him if he knew anything about astrology.
+
+“Be jabers, no,” said Pat.
+
+“Then that’s the best part of your life just lost,” answered the
+Englishman.
+
+The second Englishman then asked Pat if he knew anything about
+theology.
+
+“Be jabers, no,” answered Pat.
+
+“Well,” the second said, “I must say that’s the very best part of your
+life lost.”
+
+A few minutes later a sudden squall arose and the boat capsized. Pat
+began to swim. The Britons, however, could not swim, and both called
+loudly to Pat to help them.
+
+“Do you know anything about swimology?” asked Pat.
+
+“No,” answered both Englishmen.
+
+“Well, be jabers,” replied Pat, “then both of your lives is lost!”
+
+
+
+
+Could Eat, but Couldn’t See
+
+
+A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room at a
+hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for dining.
+
+“We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three, and
+supper from three to eight,” explained the clerk.
+
+“Wa-al, say,” inquired the farmer in surprise, “what time air I goin’
+ter git ter see the town?”
+
+
+
+
+How She Got It
+
+
+A little girl was sent by her mother to the grocery store with a jug
+for a quart of vinegar.
+
+“But, mamma,” said the little one, “I can’t say that word.”
+
+“But you must try,” said the mother, “for I must have vinegar and
+there’s no one else to send.”
+
+So the little girl went with the jug, and as she reached the counter of
+the store she pulled the cork out of the jug with a pop, swung the jug
+on the counter with a thud, and said to the astonished clerk:
+
+“There! Smell of that and give me a quart!”
+
+
+
+
+What the “Grip” Is
+
+
+Asked what made him look so ill, an Irishman replied, “Faith, I had the
+grip last winter.” To draw him out the questioner asked, “What is the
+grip, Patrick?”
+
+“The grip!” he says. “Don’t you know what the grip is? It’s a disease
+that makes you sick six months after you get well!”
+
+
+
+
+Wouldn’t Have Been Strange
+
+
+Two women were strangers to each other at a reception. After a few
+moments’ desultory talk the first said rather querulously:
+
+“I don’t know what’s the matter with that tall, blond gentleman over
+there. He was so attentive a while ago, but he won’t look at me now.”
+
+“Perhaps,” said the other, “he saw me come in. He’s my husband.”
+
+
+
+
+A Place for Jeremiah
+
+
+A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the
+prophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last he
+finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He took a
+long breath and continued: “Now I shall proceed to the major prophets.”
+
+After the major prophets had received more than ample attention the
+congregation gave another sigh of relief.
+
+“Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major
+prophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah’s place?”
+
+At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. “Jeremiah can
+have my place,” he said; “I’m going home.”
+
+
+
+
+The One Thing He Wanted
+
+
+After waiting the usual five or ten minutes the new arrival was served
+with the first dinner course of soup. Hesitating a moment as he glanced
+at his plate, the guest said to the waiter:
+
+“I can’t eat this soup.”
+
+“I’ll bring you another kind, sir,” said the waiter as he took it away.
+
+“Neither can I eat this soup!” said the guest a trifle more
+emphatically, when the second plate was served.
+
+The waiter, angrily but silently, for the third time brought a plate of
+soup.
+
+“I simply can’t eat this soup!” once more said the guest, in a low,
+emphatic tone.
+
+By this time the waiter was furious and called the hotel proprietor,
+while the guests at the nearby table looked over that way with curious
+glances.
+
+“Really, sir, this is unusual. May I ask why can’t you eat any of our
+soups?” demanded the proprietor.
+
+“Because I have no spoon,” replied the guest quietly.
+
+
+
+
+Why He Would Like It
+
+
+The little son of the minister, at Sunday dinner, said at the family
+table:
+
+“Father, I wish I could be ‘a doorkeeper in the House of the Lord,’ as
+you said this morning.”
+
+“Indeed,” said the minister-father, with a pleased look across the
+table at his wife.
+
+“Yes,” said the boy, “for then I wouldn’t have to listen to the
+sermon.”
+
+
+
+
+Why Mr. Duffy’s Nose was Red
+
+
+The late Mr. Duffy, of Keene, New Hampshire, says “The Boston Herald,”
+was well known for his life-long total abstinence from intoxicants,
+which seemed somewhat at variance with the fact that his nose was very
+red.
+
+On one occasion, when on business in a liquor saloon in his
+neighborhood, a drummer came in to sell cigars. To gain the good graces
+of the bartender he invited all in the place to drink, to which
+invitation all readily responded save Mr. Duffy.
+
+The drummer went to him, and slapping him on the shoulder, said: “I
+say, old man, what are you going to have?”
+
+“I thank you, sir-r, but I niver dhrink,” was Duffy’s quiet reply.
+
+“What, you never drink?” said the drummer with a sarcastic laugh. “Now,
+if you never drink, will you please tell me what makes that nose of
+yours so red?”
+
+The impertinence of the questioner at once aroused the irascibility of
+the old gentleman, and he replied: “Sir-r, it is glowing with proid
+because it is kept out of other people’s business.”
+
+
+
+
+Why He Knew
+
+
+A prominent Judge, who was an enthusiastic golfer, had occasion to
+question a boy witness in a criminal suit.
+
+“Now, my boy,” said the Judge, “are you sure that you know the nature
+and significance of an oath—that is, what an oath really means?”
+
+The boy looked up at the Judge in surprise, and then answered:
+
+“Why, of course I do, Judge. Don’t I caddy for you at the Country
+Club?”
+
+
+
+
+Her Idea of Remembrance
+
+
+Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their
+race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.
+Said the cook:
+
+“Dat’s all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don’t want no flowers on
+my grave. Jes plant a good old watermelon-vine; an’ when she gits ripe
+you come dar, an’ don’t you eat it, but jes bus’ it on de grave, an’
+let de good old juice dribble down thro’ de ground!”
+
+
+
+
+Did He Win Her?
+
+
+Conversation lagged for a moment, according to a “Life” story, then, as
+he sipped his tea, he remarked quietly, but with a meaning emphasis,
+“You are to be married.”
+
+“Mercy me! To whom?” was the startled reply.
+
+“To me; I came today on purpose to tell you.”
+
+
+
+
+The Dog wasn’t Touched
+
+
+“Madam,” said the conductor as he punched a ticket, “I am very sorry,
+but you can’t have your dog in this car. It is against the rules.”
+
+“I shall hold him in my lap all the way,” she replied, “and he will not
+disturb any one.”
+
+“That makes no difference,” said the conductor. “Dogs must ride in the
+baggage-car. I’ll take and fasten him for you.”
+
+“Don’t you touch my dog, sir,” exclaimed the young lady excitedly. “I
+will trust him to no one,” and with indignant tread she marched to the
+baggage-car, tied her dog and said: “Remember, please, I don’t want a
+soul here to touch my dog or untie him: you understand?”
+
+The baggage crew said they did.
+
+As the train approached her station the young lady, hailing the
+conductor, asked: “Is my dog all right?”
+
+“I don’t know, miss,” replied the conductor.
+
+“Don’t know?” she replied. “Why don’t you know? It’s your business to
+know. You haven’t touched him or untied him?”
+
+“No; we didn’t touch or untie him, and that’s just it. You tied him to
+a trunk checked for two stations back. The trunk had to be put off, and
+so we threw the dog off with the trunk!”
+
+
+
+
+Not the Kind She Wanted
+
+
+“Which way, please, to the corset department?” she asked of the
+floor-walker.
+
+“Straight back, madam.”
+
+“No, not straight back,” was the reply. “I want a straight front.”
+
+
+
+
+His Last Request
+
+
+JUDGE (to prisoner just condemned to death): “You have the legal right
+to express a last wish, and if it is possible it will be granted,”
+
+PRISONER (a barber): “I should like just once more to be allowed to
+shave the District Attorney.”
+
+
+
+
+Why He Really Wanted to Go
+
+
+“Would you mind if I went into the smoking-car, dear?” asked the
+bridegroom in a tender voice.
+
+“What! to smoke, sweetheart?” questioned the bride.
+
+“Oh, dear, no,” replied the young husband; “I want to experience the
+agony of being away from you, so that the joy of my return will be all
+the more intensified.”
+
+
+
+
+No End to This Game for Two
+
+
+  Said He: “It is sweeter to give than receive.
+    Of a whipping this doubtless is true,
+  But of kissing I cannot believe
+    It holds good, till I’ve tried it. Can you?”
+  Said She; “I don’t know; let’s each give and receive,
+    And so come to proof of the prop.
+  Now you give, and I’ll take, and we’ll leave
+    The one to decide who cries ‘Stop!’”
+
+
+
+
+And This in Boston!
+
+
+A man who has just returned from Boston is “chortling” over a good joke
+on that correct and literary city. He says that in the reading-room of
+one of the most exclusive clubs in the Hub there is a sign that reads:
+
+ONLY LOW CONVERSATION PERMITTED HERE
+
+
+
+
+Man Wants but Little, etc.
+
+
+“Please, mum,” said a tramp, “would you be so kind as to let me have a
+needle and thread?”
+
+“Well, y-e-s,” said the housewife at the door, “I can let you have
+that.”
+
+“Thankee, mum. Now, you’d oblige me very much if you’d let me have a
+bit of cloth for a patch.”
+
+“Yes, here is some.”
+
+“Thankee very much, mum. It’s a little different color from my suit, I
+see. Perhaps, mum, you could spare me some of your husband’s old
+clothes that this patch will match.”
+
+“Well, I declare! You’re clever, my man, and I’ll give you an old suit.
+Here is one.”
+
+“Thankee greatly, mum. I see it’s a little large, mum, but if you’ll
+kindly furnish me with a square meal, mebby I can fill it out.”
+
+
+
+
+It Certainly Tickled Them
+
+
+An amateur artist contributed a painting to the academy for the first
+time. With natural curiosity he said to the carrier, “Did you see my
+picture safely delivered?”
+
+“Indeed I did,” replied the man, “and mighty pleased they seemed to be
+with it—leastways, if I may jedge, sir. They didn’t say nothin’, but,
+Lor’! how they did laugh when they got a light on it!”
+
+
+
+
+Cured Without Medicine
+
+
+A clergyman has had in his employ for so long a time a colored man
+named Julian that the latter has come to regard himself as something of
+a confidential adviser to the divine.
+
+Early one Sunday morning the pastor awoke feeling decidedly ill. After
+a futile attempt at breakfast, he summoned his old and faithful
+servitor, saying:
+
+“Julian, I want you to go to my assistant, and tell him that, as I am
+unwell, he will officiate for me in this morning’s service.”
+
+At this Julian demurred, and, after some argument, persuaded his master
+that he would feel better if he officiated as usual. This the latter
+did, and, as predicted by the servant, he did return home feeling much
+better.
+
+“Youse better, sah?” asked the man, meeting his master at the door.
+
+“Very much better, thank you, Julian.”
+
+The servant grinned. “What did I tell you, sah? I knowed you’d be all
+right jest as soon as you got that sermon outer your system.”
+
+
+
+
+Enthusiasm Squelched
+
+
+An enthusiastic citizen, about to visit Europe, was rejoicing over the
+fact and the pleasures to come.
+
+“How delightful it will be,” he said to his wife, “to tread the
+bounding billow and inhale the invigorating oxygen of the sea, the sea,
+the boundless sea! I long to see it! To breathe in great drafts of
+life-giving air. I shall want to stand every moment on the prow of the
+steamer with my mouth open——”
+
+“You probably will, dear,” interrupted his wife encouragingly.
+“That’s the way all the ocean travelers do.”
+
+
+
+
+Definitive
+
+
+The schoolmaster was trying to explain the meaning of the word
+“conceited,” which had occurred in the course of the reading lesson.
+“Now, boys,” he said, “suppose that I was always boasting of my
+learning—that I knew a good deal o’ Latin, for instance, or that my
+personal appearance was—that I was very good-looking, y’ know—what
+should you say I was?”
+
+Straightforward Boy: “Sure, sir, I’d say you was a liar, sir!”
+
+
+
+
+Wanted to Give Her Every Chance
+
+
+The clerk was most obliging, but the young woman customer was hard to
+please. Roll after roll of blankets did he patiently take down and show
+to her; nothing suited.
+
+For some fifteen minutes this mock sale went on, then the young woman
+said condescendingly, “Well, I don’t intend to buy. I was just looking
+for a friend.”
+
+“Wait a moment, madam,” cried the clerk. “There is one more blanket
+left on the shelf. Maybe you will find your friend in it.”
+
+
+
+
+Murder Will Out
+
+
+The newly-graduated daughter who had decided to become an artist had
+returned to her Boston home. “I am glad that your mind has taken a turn
+toward art, for you know that more is expected of you now than if you
+lived in Chicago,” said her proud parent.
+
+“Yes, Father,” she replied dutifully, with downcast eyes.
+
+“And I hope that you will distinguish yourself in more than one way.”
+
+“Yes, Father.”
+
+“I particularly desire that you become noted as an essayist also,”
+continued the ambitious parent.
+
+“Yes, Father,” was the still modest reply.
+
+“I have spared neither pains nor expense in your education thus far,
+but notwithstanding this immense outlay of time and money, if you can
+think of anything which you believe will add to your equipment for the
+career which you are about to begin—if you can suggest some other way
+of refining your taste, please do so. Do you know of anything else, my
+dear?”
+
+“Yes, Father,” and this time the downcast eyes were raised and looked
+hopefully into his.
+
+“Speak out; never mind the expense.”
+
+“Well, Father, I’d like to go this afternoon and see Sullivan thump
+that yap from the country.”
+
+
+
+
+Taking Mamma at Her Word
+
+
+MOTHER: “Ethel, you naughty child, what have you been doing to make
+Charlie cry so?”
+
+ETHEL: “I’ve only been sharing my cod-liver oil with him, mamma. You
+said it was so nice.”
+
+
+
+
+It Was Worse Than Bigotry
+
+
+A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and
+discovered that his clerk was absent. “Here, officer,” he said, “what’s
+this man charged with?”
+
+“Bigotry, your Honor,” replied the policeman. “He’s got three wives.”
+
+The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such
+ignorance. “Why, officer,” he said, “that’s not bigotry—that’s
+trigonometry.”
+
+
+
+
+A Devotional Turn of Mind
+
+
+As the new minister of the village was on his way to evening service he
+met a rising young man of the place whom he was anxious to have become
+an active member of the church.
+
+“Good-evening, my young friend,” he said solemnly; “do you ever attend
+a place of worship?”
+
+“Yes, indeed, sir; regularly, every Sunday night,” replied the young
+fellow with a smile. “I’m on my way to see her now.”
+
+
+
+
+Poor Little Chap!
+
+
+A little boy from the slums had been taken out into the country for the
+first time. After a bit he was found sitting, all by himself, on a high
+bank, and gazing wistfully out over the hills.
+
+The woman who had made the little excursion possible quietly seated
+herself at the youngster’s side. To her the child turned a radiant face
+and asked:
+
+“Say, it’s dern pretty, ain’t it? Is this all in the United States?”
+
+
+
+
+The Horse Had a Habit
+
+
+At an annual series of races “for all comers,” the sun was blazing down
+on a field of hot, excited horses and men, all waiting for a tall,
+raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities of the starter and get
+into line.
+
+The patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. “Bring up that
+horse!” he shouted. “Bring him up!”
+
+The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman, yelled back; “I
+can’t! This here’s been a cab-horse, and he won’t start till he hears
+the door shut, an’ I ain’t got no door!”
+
+
+
+
+She Won Her Uncle
+
+
+Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsome
+four-year-old Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too much
+fuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared.
+
+One day Helen’s mother was called downstairs and with fear and
+trembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if he
+would keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted “Yes,” but never
+stirred from his position—in truth his eyes were tight shut.
+
+By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over Uncle
+Harry softly inquired:
+
+“Feepy?”
+
+“No,” growled Uncle Harry.
+
+“Tired?” ventured Helen.
+
+“No,” said her uncle.
+
+“Sick?” further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.
+
+“No,” still insisted Uncle Harry.
+
+“Dus’ feel bum, hey?”
+
+And that won the uncle!
+
+
+
+
+Still He Wondered
+
+
+One of the physicians at a popular winter health-resort was looking
+over his books one day, comparing his list of patients. “I had a great
+many more patients last year than I have this,” he remarked to his
+wife. “I wonder where they have all gone to?”
+
+“Well, never mind, dear,” she replied. “You know all we can do is to
+hope for the best.”
+
+
+
+
+A Lesson In It
+
+
+“The trouble with you ladies of the W.C.T.U. is,” said a man to a
+member of that organization, “that instead of opposing the christening
+of a vessel with champagne, you ought to encourage it and draw from it
+a great temperance lesson.”
+
+“Why, how can we?” asked the “white ribboner.”
+
+“Well,” was the reply, “after the first taste of wine the ship takes to
+water and sticks to it ever after.”
+
+
+
+
+It Was His Privilege
+
+
+As an express train was going through a station, says “Tit-Bits,” one
+of the passengers leaned too far out of the window, overbalanced and
+fell out. He fortunately landed on a sand heap, so that he did himself
+no great injury, but, with torn clothes and not a few bruises, said to
+a porter who was standing by:
+
+“What shall I do?”
+
+“You’re all right, mister,” said the porter. “Your ticket allows you to
+stop off.”
+
+
+
+
+Still Hopeful
+
+
+“Well, Jimmy,” said his employer, “I don’t see how you are going to get
+out to any ball-games this season; your grandmother died four times
+last summer.”
+
+“Oh, yes, I can, sir,” answered Jimmy. “Grandpapa has married again,
+although it was very much against the wishes of the family.”
+
+
+
+
+He Thought She Ought to Know It
+
+
+“No, I haven’t anything for you today. You are the man I gave some pie
+to a fortnight ago?”
+
+“Yis, lidy, thank you; I come back because I thought p’r’aps you’d like
+to know I’m able to get about again.”
+
+
+
+
+A Possible Substitute
+
+
+“What have you in the shape of cucumbers this morning?” asked the
+customer of the new grocery clerk.
+
+“Nothing but bananas, ma’am,” was the reply.
+
+
+
+
+One on the Preachers
+
+
+The preachers in a certain coast town noted for its Sabbath observance
+were greatly incensed over the fact that printed cards bearing the name
+of a well-known shipbuilding firm had been received by prominent
+citizens, inviting them to attend the launching of a vessel on the next
+Sunday afternoon, the reason being given that the tide was highest on
+that day.
+
+Sunday came and in every church the launching was widely advertised and
+denounced, and it was not until late in the day that some one
+remembered it was April the first.
+
+
+
+
+Charlie Remembered Her Well
+
+
+A young married woman of social prominence and respectability was to
+unite with the church in her home town and desired the ordinance of
+baptism by immersion, preferring the primitive custom of going to the
+river. Among the number that gathered to witness the baptism was a
+little boy friend, Charlie, about four years old. The proceedings were
+entirely new to the child, and he looked on with strange curiosity as
+the candidate was led into the water. The spring freshets had made the
+river somewhat turbulent, and it was with difficulty that the minister
+maintained his footing. During the following week the young woman
+called at the home of this family, and after the usual greetings said
+to the little boy as she extended her hand: “Come here, Charlie, and
+see me. You don’t know who I am, do you?” she continued. “Yes, indeed I
+do,” said the boy. “You’s that woman who went in swimmin’ with the
+minister on Sunday.”
+
+
+
+
+Couldn’t Follow Him
+
+
+“John,” said Farmer Foddershucks to his college-bred son, who was home
+on a vacation, “hev ye noticed Si Mullet’s oldest gal lately? Strikes
+me she’s gettin’ ter be a right likely critter, hey?”
+
+“She’s as beautiful as Hebe,” agreed John enthusiastically.
+
+“Aw, shucks!” grunted Farmer F. “She’s a blame sight purtier ’n he be.
+Why, he ain’t no beauty. She gits it f’m her mother’s folks.”
+
+
+
+
+Frivolity of Outward Show
+
+
+Dear old Aunt Jane was making a visit in the early spring at the home
+of her newly-married niece, and spring clothes was the all-absorbing
+topic of conversation in the family.
+
+“I feel sure this hat’s not broad enough in the brim, Aunt Jane,” said
+the worldly niece, who wanted to appear just as bewitching to her young
+husband as she did in her going-away costume.
+
+“What does it matter, child! Look at me!” replied Aunt Jane, in a
+comforting tone. “I put on anything! Don’t I look all right?”
+
+
+
+
+Just as Well
+
+
+A Scotsman went to a dentist with a toothache. The dentist told him he
+would only get relief by having it out.
+
+“Then I must hae gas,” said the Scotsman.
+
+While the dentist was getting it ready the Scot began to count his
+money.
+
+The dentist said, somewhat testily, “You need not pay until the tooth
+is out.”
+
+“I ken that,” said the Scotsman, “but as ye’re aboot to mak’ me
+unconscious I jist want to see hoo I stan’.”
+
+
+
+
+The Same, Only a Little Different
+
+
+They were newly married, according to “The New York Sun,” and on a
+honeymoon trip. They put up at a skyscraper hotel. The bridegroom felt
+indisposed and the bride said she would slip out and do a little
+shopping. In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her room,
+a little awed by the number of doors that looked all alike. But she was
+sure of her own and tapped gently on the panel.
+
+“I’m back, honey; let me in,” she whispered.
+
+No answer.
+
+“Honey, honey, let me in!” she called again, rapping louder. Still no
+answer.
+
+“Honey, honey, it’s Mabel. Let me in.”
+
+There was silence for several seconds; then a man’s voice, cold and
+full of dignity, came from the other side of the door:
+
+“Madam, this is not a beehive; it’s a bathroom.”
+
+
+
+
+For Him to Decide
+
+
+“Well, well,” said the absent-minded professor, as he stood knee-deep
+in the bathtub, “what did I get in here for?”
+
+
+
+
+A Large Corporation
+
+
+An old lady, traveling for the first time in a large city, saw a
+glaring sign on the front of a high building which read, “The Smith
+Manufacturing Company.”
+
+As she repeated it aloud slowly she remarked to her nephew: “Lawsy
+mercy! Well, I’ve hearn tell of Smiths all my life, but I never knew
+before where they made ’em.”
+
+
+
+
+Accommodating Man
+
+
+One day, after the brakeman had been pointing out the window and
+explaining the scenery, says the Denver “News,” one of the passengers
+whispered to the conductor: “Conductor, can you tell me how that
+brakeman lost his finger? He seems to be a very nice fellow. It seems a
+pity he should be crippled.”
+
+“That’s just it, ma’am. He is a good fellow. He is so obliging that he
+just wore his finger off pointing out the scenery along the line.”
+
+
+
+
+The Early Bird
+
+
+The card “Boy Wanted” had been swinging from the window of a publishing
+house only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad climbed to the
+publisher’s office with the sign under his arm.
+
+“Say, mister,” he demanded of the publisher, “did youse hang out this
+here ‘Boy Wanted’ sign?”
+
+“I did,” replied the publisher sternly. “Why did you tear it down?”
+
+Back of his freckles the youngster was gazing in wonder at the man’s
+stupidity.
+
+“Hully gee!” he blurted. “Why, I’m the boy!”
+
+And he was.
+
+
+
+
+No Wonder He Asked “Why?”
+
+
+Edward had just returned from foreign service, and his brow was
+troubled.
+
+“I gave you that parrot as a birthday present, did I not, Amelia?” he
+asked.
+
+“Yes; but surely, Teddy, you are not going to speak of your tokens as
+if——”
+
+“It was young and speechless at the time.”
+
+“Yes”—with increasing wonder—“and it has never been out of this
+parlor.”
+
+“There are no other young ladies in this house?”
+
+“No; there are not.”
+
+“Then why—why, when I k-kissed your photograph in yonder album, while
+waiting for you, did that wretched bird imitate your voice and say:
+‘Don’t do that, Herbert, please don’t!’”
+
+
+
+
+The Safest Place
+
+
+A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for “a day
+with the birds.” His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the
+great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally
+regulated by the size of the bag.
+
+“Dear me!” at last exclaimed the sportsman, “but the birds seem
+exceptionally strong on the wing this year.”
+
+“Not all of ’em, sir,” was the answer. “You’ve shot at the same bird
+about a dozen times. ’E’s a-follerin’ you about, sir.”
+
+“Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?”
+
+“Well, sir,” came the reply. “I dunno, I’m sure, unless ’e’s ’angin’
+’round you for safety.”
+
+
+
+
+An Inspiring Model
+
+
+Little Johnnie, having in his possession a couple of bantam hens, which
+laid very small eggs, suddenly hit on a plan. Going the next morning to
+the fowl-run, Johnnie’s father was surprised to find an ostrich egg
+tied to one of the beams, and above it a card, with the words:
+
+“Keep your eye on this and do your best.”
+
+
+
+
+When the Honeymoon Began
+
+
+A minister in a Western town was called upon one afternoon to perform
+the marriage ceremony between a negro couple—the negro preacher of the
+town being absent from home.
+
+After the ceremony the groom asked the price of the service.
+
+“Oh, well,” said the minister, “you can pay me whatever you think it is
+worth to you.”
+
+The negro turned and silently looked his bride over from head to foot,
+then, slowly rolling up the whites of his eyes, said:
+
+“Lawd, sah, you has done ruined me for life, you has, for sure.”
+
+
+
+
+And She Kept on Smoking
+
+
+“Aunt Chloe, do you think you are a Christian?” asked a preacher of an
+old negro woman who was smoking a pipe.
+
+“Yes, brudder, I ’spects I is.”
+
+“Do you believe in the Bible?”
+
+“Yes, brudder.”
+
+“Do you know there is a passage in the Scripture that declares that
+nothing unclean shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?”
+
+“Yes, I’se heard of it.”
+
+“Well, you smoke, and there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a
+smoker. So what do you say to that?”
+
+“Well, when I go dere I ’spects to leave my breff behind me.”
+
+
+
+
+Doubtful Assurances
+
+
+“Do you think they approved of my sermon?” asked the newly-appointed
+rector, hopeful that he had made a good impression.
+
+“Yes, I think so,” replied his wife; “they were all nodding.”
+
+
+
+
+A New Use for an Apple
+
+
+The tailor’s sign in a little inland town was an apple, simply an
+apple. The people were amazed at it. They came in crowds to the tailor,
+asking him what on earth the meaning of the sign was.
+
+The tailor with a complacent smile replied:
+
+“If it hadn’t been for an apple where would the clothing business be
+today?”
+
+
+
+
+It Looked That Way
+
+
+“Is Mike Clancy here?” asked the visitor at the quarry, just after the
+premature explosion.
+
+“No, sor,” replied Costigan; “he’s gone.”
+
+“For good?”
+
+“Well, sor, he wint in that direction.”
+
+
+
+
+Music Touched His Heart
+
+
+A thief broke into a Madison Avenue mansion early the other morning and
+found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took
+refuge behind a screen.
+
+From eight to nine o’clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.
+
+From nine to ten o’clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.
+
+From ten to eleven o’clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.
+
+From eleven to twelve o’clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.
+
+At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an
+ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.
+
+The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five,
+and falling at their feet, cried:
+
+“For Heaven’s sake, have me arrested!”
+
+
+
+
+Some Amusing Blunders
+
+
+A divine in drawing the attention of his congregation to a special
+communion service on the following Sunday informed them that “the Lord
+is with us in the forenoon and the Bishop in the evening.”
+
+A Scotch minister innocently, perhaps, hit the mark by telling his
+people, “Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as
+we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazar
+can do for us.”
+
+There is a certain amount of excuse to be made for the young curate
+who, remarking that some people came to church for no better reason
+than to show off their best clothes, finished up as he glanced over his
+audience, “I am thankful to see, dear friends, that none of you has
+come here for that reason.”
+
+A negro student when conducting the prayers at one of the great
+missionary colleges, said, “Give us all pure hearts, give us all clean
+hearts, give us all sweet hearts,” to which the entire congregation
+made response, “Amen.”
+
+The giving-out of church notices has often proved a pitfall for the
+unwary. “During Lent,” said a rector lately, “several preachers will
+preach on Wednesday evenings, but I need not give their names, as they
+will be all found hanging up in the porch.”
+
+
+
+
+They Come High—But
+
+
+A stranger in New York asked a newsboy to direct him to a certain bank,
+promising him half a dollar for it. The boy took him about three doors
+away and there was the bank. Paying the fee, the man said, “That was
+half a dollar easily earned, son.”
+
+“Sure,” said the boy, “but youse mustn’t fergit that bank directors is
+paid high in Noo Yawk.”
+
+
+
+
+At Any Cost
+
+
+A darky preacher was lost in the happy selection of his text, which he
+repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.
+
+“Oh, bredern, at de las’ day dere’s gwine to be sheep and dere’s gwine
+to be goats. Who’s gwine to be de sheep, an’ who’s gwine to be de
+goats? Let’s all try to be like de li’l white lambs, bredern. Shall we
+be de goats, sisters? Naw, we’s gwine to be de sheep. Who’s gwine to be
+de sheep, bredern, an’ who’s gwine to be de goats? Tak’ care ob youh
+souls, sisters; tak’ care ob youh souls. Remember, dere’s gwine to be
+goats an’ sheep. Who’s gwine to be de sheep an’ who’s gwine to be de
+goats?”
+
+Just then a solitary Irishman who had been sitting in the back of the
+church, listening attentively, rose and said:
+
+“Oi’ll be the goat. Go on; tell us the joke, Elder. Oi’ll be the goat!”
+
+
+
+
+Where Was Bill?
+
+
+Bill Jones is a country storekeeper down in Louisiana, and last spring
+he went to New Orleans to purchase a stock of goods. The goods were
+shipped immediately and reached home before he did. When the boxes of
+goods were delivered at his store by the drayman his wife happened to
+look at the largest; she uttered a loud cry and called for a hammer. A
+neighbor, hearing the screams, rushed to her assistance and asked what
+was the matter. The wife, pale and faint, pointed to an inscription on
+the box which read as follows;
+
+“Bill inside.”
+
+
+
+
+All That Glisters is Not Gold
+
+
+One day an Irishman was seated in the waiting-room of a station with an
+odorous pipe in his mouth. One of the attendants called his attention
+to the sign: “No smoking.”
+
+“Well,” said Pat, “I’m not a-smokin’.”
+
+“But you have a pipe in your mouth.”
+
+“Shure, an’ I’ve shoes on me feet an’ I’m not walkin’.”
+
+
+
+
+Her Affectionate Brothers
+
+
+It was Commencement Day at a well-known girls’ seminary, and the father
+of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He
+was presented to the principal, who said, “I congratulate you, sir,
+upon your extremely large and affectionate family.”
+
+“Large and affectionate?” he stammered and looking very much surprised.
+
+“Yes, indeed,” said the principal. “No less than twelve of your
+daughter’s brothers have called frequently during the winter to take
+her driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the
+theatre at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are.”
+
+
+
+
+The Voice of the Lady
+
+
+“Life” recently printed this extremely clever sketch by Tom Masson:
+
+It was a quiet Sunday morning on a side street. A playful breeze had
+lifted off the tarpaulin that covered the newsstand, and the magazines
+were enjoying a quiet hour by themselves.
+
+“Harper’s” took occasion to edge away from “McClure’s.”
+
+“Your cheapness makes me dizzy,” it observed, with a superior sniff.
+
+“My cheapness is as nothing to your dullness,” exclaimed
+“McClure’s,” with some heat.
+
+“Nonsense!” replied “Harper’s.” “Why, I once published an interesting
+story.”
+
+A chorus of groans greeted this admission.
+
+“The trouble with you fellows,” observed “The Century,” “is that you do
+not understand the really serious side of life.”
+
+“How can we,” observed “The Metropolitan,” “for we have not, like you,
+a humorous department? We——”
+
+There was a commotion. While these observations were going on
+“Munsey’s” and “Everybody’s” were having a dispute.
+
+“I publish sillier stuff than you,” said “Munsey’s.”
+
+“I defy you to prove it,” said “Everybody’s.”
+
+“Let’s form a ring and have them fight it out,” suggested a rank
+outsider—“The Clipper.”
+
+At this, however, there was a protest from one hitherto silent. A soft
+soprano voice spoke.
+
+“Gentlemen,” it said, “would you fight in the presence of ladies?”
+
+Whereupon the rest of the magazines took off their hats, and one by one
+lapsed into respectful silence, as THE LADIES’ HOME JOURNAL, arranging
+its skirts anew with gentle precision, passed out on its way to church.
+
+
+
+
+Cheer Up, Everybody
+
+
+The visiting missionary at an almshouse stopped for a moment to speak
+to a very old lady and inquire after her health and welfare. “Thank
+you, sir,” replied the old lady. “Yes, indeed, I’ve a great deal to be
+thankful for. I’ve two teeth left and they’re opposite each other.”
+
+
+
+
+A New Kind of Bait
+
+
+After weeks of waiting and longing for the sport, rods, reels, gaff,
+creel—everything was in readiness for a week’s trout-fishing.
+
+The young wife, smiling joyously, hurried into the room, extending
+toward her husband some sticky, speckled papers.
+
+“For goodness’ sake,” he exclaimed, “what on earth are you doing with
+those old fly-papers?”
+
+“I saved them for you from last summer, dear,” she answered. “You know
+you said you always had to buy flies when you went fishing.”
+
+
+
+
+He Could Supply Specimens
+
+
+“And what did my little darling do in school today?” a mother asked of
+her young son—a “second-grader.”
+
+“We had Nature study, and it was my turn to bring a specimen,” said the
+boy.
+
+“That was nice. What did you do?”
+
+“I brought a cockroach in a bottle, and I told teacher we had lots
+more, and if she wanted I would bring one every day.”
+
+
+
+
+Was It His Ghost?
+
+
+A well-known publisher has the entrance to his private office guarded
+by one of his editors, a small man, who, as the day wears on, sinks
+down in a little heap in his high-backed chair under the weight of the
+manuscripts he has to read. The publisher was exceedingly proud of his
+friendship with a prominent Congressman, who usually called when he was
+in New York.
+
+One day the huge form of the Speaker of the House of Representatives
+loomed up before the little editor, with the evident intent of bearing
+down upon the private office.
+
+“Back!” shouted the little editor, waving a slender arm with much
+vigor. “Back! Go back to the offith and thend in your card.”
+
+The Congressman paused, inclined his head to view the obstacle that
+opposed his progress, and smiled. Then he turned on his heel and did as
+he was directed.
+
+Of course the publisher bustled out personally to conduct the great man
+into the private office. When his visitor had departed the publisher
+came forth in a rage. The little editor shriveled before him as he
+began:
+
+“What do you mean by holding up one of my oldest friends in this
+fashion? Don’t you know he’s at perfect liberty to walk into my office
+at any time without so much as knocking?”
+
+“Yeth,” admitted the little editor feebly.
+
+“Then what do you mean by holding him up and subjecting him to such
+discourtesy?”
+
+“I thought he wath Dr. John Hall.”
+
+“Dr. John Hall!” exclaimed the exasperated publisher “Don’t you know
+that Dr. John Hall is dead?”
+
+“Yeth,” returned the little editor with earnest sincerity. “That’th
+what bothered me.”
+
+
+
+
+Willie’s April Fool on Mamma!
+
+
+Little Willie had a very pretty governess, and on April first he rather
+startled his mother by rushing in to her and saying:
+
+“Mamma, there’s a strange man upstairs who has just put his arm around
+Miss Wilson’s waist, and kissed her several times——”
+
+“What?” said the mother, as she jumped up to pull the bell for the
+butler.
+
+“April fool, Mamma!” said Willie, in great glee. “It wasn’t a strange
+man at all. It was Papa!”
+
+
+
+
+Full Particulars Given
+
+
+A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a
+suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary
+question, “How old is the boy?” After being told the correct age, which
+did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person.
+
+The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then,
+concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to
+the conductor, then at the other end of the car: “And mother’s
+thirty-one!”
+
+
+
+
+News for the Bishop
+
+
+A newly-rich woman, who was anxious to make a favorable impression in
+her neighborhood, decided to show her collection of antiques to the
+Bishop when he called. The time came, and one by one she displayed the
+whole collection, giving him the history of each piece. Finally she
+pointed to the most prized article in the lot. “There,” she said,
+pointing impressively to an old yellow teapot. “That teapot was used in
+the Boston Tea-party.”
+
+
+
+
+A Case of Mutual Application
+
+
+Mr. Wood, a man very fond of playing jokes, met his friend, Mr.
+Stone, and at once inquired jocosely:
+
+“Hello, Stone, how are Mrs. Stone and all the little pebbles?”
+
+“Fine,” said Mr. Stone, “all well, thank you,” and then, with a twinkle
+in his eye: “How are Mrs. Wood and all the little splinters?”
+
+
+
+
+She Didn’t Sleep Well
+
+
+A woman who lives in an inland town, while going to a convention in a
+distant city spent one night of the journey on board a steamboat. It
+was the first time she had ever traveled by water. She reached her
+journey’s end extremely fatigued. To a friend who remarked it she
+replied:
+
+“Yes, I’m tired to death. I don’t know as I care to travel by water
+again. I read the card in my stateroom about how to put the
+life-preserver on, and I thought I understood it; but I guess I didn’t.
+Somehow, I couldn’t go to sleep with the thing on.”
+
+
+
+
+They Planned a Little Surprise for Him
+
+
+On a west-bound train scheduled for a long trip a very large, muscular
+man fell asleep and annoyed all the passengers by snoring tremendously.
+Reading, conversation or quiet rest was an impossibility. Finally a
+drummer, carrying half a lemon in his hand, tiptoed over to a little
+boy who sat behind the snorer.
+
+“Son,” said the drummer impressively, “I am a doctor, and if that man
+doesn’t stop snoring he’ll die of apoplexy. Watch your chance, and as
+soon as his mouth opens a little wider, lean over and squeeze this
+lemon into it.”
+
+
+
+
+He Knew Only One
+
+
+A teacher had been telling her class of boys that recently worms had
+become so numerous that they destroyed the crops, and it was necessary
+to import the English sparrow to exterminate them. The sparrows
+multiplied very fast and were gradually driving away our native birds.
+
+Johnny was apparently very inattentive, and the teacher, thinking to
+catch him napping, said;
+
+“Johnny, which is worse, to have worms or sparrows?”
+
+Johnny hesitated a moment and then replied:
+
+“Please, I never had the sparrows.”
+
+
+
+
+He Proved It Was Logical
+
+
+A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the
+court:
+
+“Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at
+all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm
+and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client’s arm is not
+himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for
+an offense committed by only one of his limbs.”
+
+“That argument,” said the judge, “is very well put. Following it
+logically, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment.
+He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
+
+The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer’s assistance unscrewed his
+cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.
+
+
+
+
+The Old Man Knew Best
+
+
+“I took three bottles of your medicine, and I feel like a new woman,”
+read the testimonial. “John,” she said in a shrill, piping voice, “I
+think this is exactly what I need. I have been feeling bad for quite a
+spell back, and the lady was symptomated just exactly as I feel. I
+believe I will try three bottles and see if it will make a new woman
+out of me.”
+
+“Not much, Maria,” said John, with tremendous earnestness. “Not if I
+know it. I don’t mind spending three dollars on you if you feel bad,
+but I ain’t a-goin’ to have you made into any of these here new women,
+gaddin’ about the city to women’s clubs and savin’ the country that
+don’t need savin’. You jest mix up some sulphur and molasses and take
+it, and you will feel better, but don’t let me hear no more of this
+new-woman nonsense.”
+
+
+
+
+Watch and Pray
+
+
+A pompous old Bishop was one morning breakfasting at a country inn
+where it had been his lot to spend the night. As he approached the
+table he found at his place a fine trout well cooked and tempting. He
+closed his eyes to say his grace before meat, not noticing a Quaker
+gentleman seated opposite, who, with a mischievous smile, reached over
+quickly and scooped the fish over to his own plate.
+
+Having finished his prayer the Bishop opened his eyes and prepared to
+enjoy the trout, but to his surprise and dismay it had disappeared.
+
+The jolly Quaker, eying the Bishop, at the same time demolishing the
+trout, said with feigned solemnity:
+
+“Bishop, thee must ‘watch and pray’—‘watch and pray.’”
+
+
+
+
+No Doubt About That
+
+
+The fresh spring breezes were blowing through the open windows of the
+schoolroom, and George Washington was the momentous question in hand.
+
+“Why do you think George Washington was the first man?” asked the
+teacher.
+
+“Because he was ‘first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts
+of his countrymen.’”
+
+Another boy then raised his hand.
+
+“Well, Johnny, who do you think was the first man?” said the teacher.
+
+“Don’t know his name,” answered Johnny, “but I know George Washington
+was not the first man, ’cause my history says he married a widow, so
+there must have been a man ahead of him.”
+
+
+
+
+All’s Fair in Love
+
+
+A poor couple went to the priest for marriage, and were met with a
+demand for the marriage fee. It was not forthcoming. Both the
+consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but
+destitute of financial resources. The father was obdurate. “No money,
+no marriage.”
+
+“Give me l’ave, your riverence,” said the blushing bride, “to go and
+get the money.”
+
+It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a
+marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned
+with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the
+satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made
+wife seemed a little uneasy.
+
+“Anything on your mind, Catherine?” said the father.
+
+“Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not
+be spoiled now.”
+
+“Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder.”
+
+“Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the
+marriage?”
+
+“No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with
+your marriage.”
+
+“That aises me mind,” said Catherine, “and God bless your riverence.
+There’s the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawned
+it.”
+
+
+
+
+An Addition to the Catechism
+
+
+An enterprising superintendent was engaged one Sunday in catechizing
+the Sunday-school pupils, varying the usual method by beginning at the
+end of the catechism.
+
+After asking what were the prerequisites for the Holy Communion and
+confirmation, and receiving satisfactory replies, he asked:
+
+“And now, boys, tell me what must precede baptism?”
+
+A lively urchin shouted out: “A baby, sir!”
+
+
+
+
+No Two Ways About It
+
+
+A colored preacher who had only a small share of this world’s goods,
+and whose salary was not forthcoming on several occasions, became
+exasperated. At his morning service he spoke to his church members
+thusly:
+
+“Bredern and sistern, things is not as should be. You must not ’spects
+I can preach on u’th an’ boa’d in Heben.”
+
+
+
+
+The Maid Knew a Thing or Two
+
+
+“Madam,” said the book-agent as the door was opened by a very comely
+maid, “I am selling a new book on etiquette and deportment.”
+
+“Oh, you are,” she responded. “Go down there on the grass and clean the
+mud off your feet.”
+
+“Yes’m,” and he went. “As I was saying, ma’am,” he continued as he
+again came to the door, “I am sell——”
+
+“Take off your hat! Never address a strange lady at her door without
+removing your hat.”
+
+“Yes’m.” And off went the hat. “Now, then, as I was saying——”
+
+“Take your hands out of your pockets. No gentleman ever carries his
+hands there.”
+
+“Yes’m,” and his hands clutched at his coat lapels. “Now, ma’am, this
+work on eti——”
+
+“Throw out your cud. If a gentleman uses tobacco he is careful not to
+disgust others by the habit.”
+
+“Yes’m,” and the tobacco disappeared. “Now, ma’am,” as he wiped his
+brow, “in calling your attention to this valuable——”
+
+“Wait. Put that dirty handkerchief out of sight. I don’t want your
+book. I am only the hired girl. You can come in, however, and talk with
+the lady of the house. She called me a liar this morning and I think
+she needs something of the kind.”
+
+
+
+
+Under Similar Conditions
+
+
+“Speaking of men falling in love and ardently pursuing the object of
+their affections, you needn’t make fun of any one, John. You were bound
+to have me, but you can’t say I ever ran after you.”
+
+“Very true, Anastasia, the trap never runs after the rat, but it
+gathers him in all the same.”
+
+
+
+
+His First Move
+
+
+A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society after
+an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first sight
+with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.
+
+On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her overshoes,
+and the hostess, who had noticed the Westerner’s infatuation, told the
+young Lochinvar that he might return them to the girl if he wished. The
+herder leaped at the chance and presented himself in due time at the
+young lady’s house. She greeted him cordially.
+
+“You forgot your overshoes last night,” he said, awkwardly handing her
+the package.
+
+“Why, there’s only one overshoe here!” she exclaimed, as she thanked
+him and opened it.
+
+“Yes, Miss,” said he, blushing. “I’ll bring the other one tomorrow. Oh,
+how I wish that you were a centipede!” And with that he turned and sped
+away down the street.
+
+
+
+
+His “Catch” Was Delayed
+
+
+Tommy went fishing the other day without his mother’s permission. The
+next morning one of his chums met him and asked: “Did you catch
+anything yesterday, Tommy?”
+
+“Not till I got home,” was the rather sad response.
+
+
+
+
+Using His Friends
+
+
+A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the
+afternoon:
+
+“By-the-way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do to
+get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something.”
+
+“Oh, no,” replied the owner, “oh, no, that’s all right.”
+
+“Why is it?” asked the visitor.
+
+“Because,” was the reply, “every one who comes through that gate pumps
+two buckets of water into the tank on the roof.”
+
+
+
+
+He Did—After That
+
+
+A young man who persisted in whispering loudly to the lady who
+accompanied him to a symphony concert, telling her what the music
+“meant,” what sort of a passage was coming next, and so on, caused
+serious annoyance to every one of his immediate neighbors. Presently he
+closed his eyes and said to his companion:
+
+“Did you ever try listening to music with your eyes shut? You’ve no
+idea how lovely it sounds!”
+
+Thereupon a gentleman who sat in the seat in front of the young man
+twisted himself about and said gravely:
+
+“Young man, did you ever try listening to music with your mouth shut?”
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Good Stories from the Ladies’ Home Journal, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12836 ***