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diff --git a/12832-0.txt b/12832-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f15705 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1065 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12832 *** + +[Illustration: THE TELEPHONE FACE.] + + + + +SAID THE OBSERVER + +BY + +LOUIS J. STELLMANN + +ILLUSTRATIONS BY + +J.P. BURNHAM AND V.C. FORSYTHE + + +San Francisco +The Whitaker & Ray Co. +Incorporated +1903 + + + + +DEDICATION. + +TO MY MOTHER ON HER FIFTIETH BIRTHDAY. + + + Half of a century's gladness + And half of a century's tears, + Lost in the mighty silence + Of the past and vanished years! + + Oh, what a sea of memories + Surge back from the time gone by-- + The waters of Life's river; + How many a smile or sigh-- + + Has made them dance and sparkle; + Or, storm-tossed as they ran, + Adown the course of Being, + Since the current first began! + + How many a note of gladness + Has the music of their flow, + Brought to the hearts of others + To lighten their load of woe! + + How often, too, has Duty + Claimed its sacrifice of pain? + How many hours of sorrow + Have been for another's gain? + + No mind can weigh or measure, + The light that a woman's love + Casts on Life's darkened pathways, + Save that of the God above. + + From out the time that's vanished + A message of Peace is borne. + A future glad in Promise, + Like a sunshine-laden morn-- + + Smiles welcome now and beckons + To a new and brighter day. + The years to come are gladder + Than those that have passed away. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +It is the custom of some authors to preface their earlier works with +excuses for sending their "little volume out into the world," and to +bespeak in its behalf the leniency of both critic and reader. I have +no such apologies, however, to make for this work. I have confidence +in its success and it will win or lose, according to its merits, no +matter what I say. + +"Said The Observer" represents stray ideas, gathered here and there +and everywhere, which I have decked out in gay habiliments of +Fancy and embellished with such wit as I possess. Do not take them +seriously, I pray you, for their aim is to amuse. Do not feel offended +if some pet corn is trod upon, for it is all in fun and no malice is +intended. + +Most of the sketches have already appeared in the Los Angeles +_Herald_ and the reader may detect in some a touch of localism, as +for instance, in "The Essentials of Greatness," which refers casually +to the passing of Senator Stephen M. White. "Steve White," as he +was affectionately dubbed by those who knew him, was a great man in +California, though, perhaps, his fame as an orator and statesman may +not have penetrated far beyond the borders of the Golden State. In two +other sketches references are made to Li Hung Chang. Both were written +prior to the death of the distinguished Oriental diplomat, and I +have chosen to explain seeming anachronisms, rather than change my +narrative to conform with later events. + +THE AUTHOR. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +INFLUENCE OF THE PIPE + +OUR FRIEND THE MURDERER + +SCIENCE AND WEATHER + +THE ESSENTIALS OF GREATNESS + +HORSE SENSE + +THE MANNISH WOMAN + +A WONDERFUL MACHINE + +DRAWBACKS OF THE KING BUSINESS + +THE EATING HABIT + +DELIGHTS OF FLASHLIGHT PHOTOGRAPHY + +WONDERS OF SPIRITUALISM + +THE POTENCY OF THE TESTIMONIAL + +AMBITIONS AND THINGS + +THE TELEPHONE FACE + + + + +[Illustration: INFLUENCE OF THE PIPE.] + + +"I see, by a recent paper," said the Observer, as he lit another cigar +and resettled himself in his chair, "that a Chicago physician and a +lot of fool women, who are evidently jealous of Carrie Nation, are +about to start an active crusade against the 'Smoke Nuisance.' This +is ambiguous enough to warrant the supposition that their object is +the compulsory introduction of some patented device for clearing the +atmosphere of Pittsburg and other manufacturing towns, but their real +aim is to discourage the use of tobacco. Now, of all the human pests +which afflict the long-suffering public, the anti-smoke agitator +is about the worst. Why, man alive! what would become of the human +race without tobacco? It is the grease which lubricates the Wheel +of Evolution. Since the time of Sir Walter Raleigh civilization +has advanced more rapidly by one hundred per cent. Nearly all great +inventors, artists and writers owe their inspiration to the pipe. + +"A very successful newspaper man whom I know has four different pipes +and each serves a special purpose. When he wants to write a humorous +article, he says to his wife, 'Where is my funny pipe?' and she hands +him a long-handled affair with a weichsel-wood bowl and a cherry stem +that has a kind of rakish, good-natured curve to it. Then he sits +down and grinds out copy that will make an Englishman laugh at first +sight. A big, dumpy brier, with a shorter stem and a celluloid end, is +responsible for general descriptive work, sporting news, etc., while +a trim little meerschaum with a carved bowl engenders excellent +criticisms of music and drama. Occasionally, too, this bright +fellow, who does considerable work on the editorial page, gets into +a newspaper controversy. Then he pulls from his pocket a short +'bull-dog' with a horn tip, whose massive, square-jawed bowl and +ferocious short-curved stem breathe forth aggressiveness, and, jamming +it full of 'plug cut,' he writes one of those satirical, sledge-hammer +roasts which make him feared by his opponents. + +"One night he was detailed to write up a show at one of the leading +theatres. The play was 'East Lynne,' which, as a tear-producer, ranks +away up and was presented by a first-class company. When the critic +reached home he was feeling pretty sad, so he looked around for his +meerschaum. His wife had been cleaning house that day and he couldn't +find any pipe but the long one. What was the result? Why, he wrote +such a humorous description of the play that everybody thought 'East +Lynne' was a farce comedy and, when the performance closed on the +following night, two-thirds of the audience wanted their money back. + +"His worst crack, though, was when a man of great local prominence, +who stood high with the people, died and it fell to G.'s lot to +describe the funeral ceremonies and eulogize the deceased. G.'s +mother-in-law had just arrived and the poor fellow was so badly +rattled that he got hold of the 'bull-dog' instead of the brier and +made the Hon. G. out the grandest rascal who had ever preyed upon the +vitals of a law-abiding community. The only thing that saved his neck +this time was the fact that it all turned out to be true and his paper +got the credit of a 'scoop.' After that he had a little case made to +hold all four of his pipes, with a strap to go around his neck--and I +guess he sleeps with it now. + +"They say that Guttenberg conceived the notion of the printing press +while taking an after-dinner smoke; that Stephenson's ideas of steam +locomotion came to him through the curling wreaths of his favorite +Virginia; and that Morse figured out the telegraph with a pipe in +his mouth. I never could corroborate these statements, though I don't +doubt them a bit. But, be that as it may, the man, woman or child who +tries to deprive us of the solace and inspiration of tobacco, is like +the goat that tried to butt a train off the track. He is not only +trifling with one of the greatest factors in civilization, but he is +toying with a lost cause." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "No other man gets half the flattering attention given +the condemned."] + + * * * * * + + + + +OUR FRIEND THE MURDERER. + + +"No, I don't believe in capital punishment," said the Observer, as he +rose from the barber's chair and adjusted his collar before the glass. +"It's less expensive for the government than to board a man for life, +and it satisfies the popular idea of justice, but I doubt very much +its efficiency in the suppression of crime. + +"Take the average murderer, for instance. He seems to look forward +to his execution with happy anticipation. He may have been a hopeless +dyspeptic who killed his wife in an agony of indigestion, following +a repast of hot biscuits and flannel cakes, such as 'mother used to +make,' but as the hour of death approaches, he regains his appetite, +and, just before the solemn moment, partakes of a hearty breakfast. +His whole life may have been a record of flagrant cowardice, yet he +walks steadily to the scaffold and dies 'like a man'; he may have +been illiterate to a degree, yet in the very shadow of the gallows +he writes a statement for publication the depth and power of which +astonishes the world. From the sentence to the finish, the murderer's +life is one bed of roses. Every pretty girl who visits the prison +brings him flowers and sweets, and begs eagerly for his autograph; +great authors write books about him; great lawyers draw up petitions +from notable men and women asking for his pardon, and the governor's +secretary works night and day, declining their requests, writing +special permits and "standing off" tearful relatives, friends and +sweethearts, who spring up as if by magic to plead his cause. + +"No other man gets half the flattering attention that is given the +condemned; no one else is given half the chance to make a glorious +finish. By some occult influence his faults are utterly effaced and +every latent talent is developed to a point of absolute perfection. +When this 'ne plus ultra' is reached, a quick curtain is dropped over +his career, and he lives in the memory of countless thousands as a +martyred hero of the most splendid moral and mental attainments. + +"Who would not sacrifice life for such a climax? Many men have said to +Fame and Wisdom, 'Let me look upon your face and die'; many have come +to view their Gorgon features and cheerfully paid the price, and still +more have perished miserably on the way. + +"Now, what is the murderer's sacrifice compared to these? He is +carefully attended, afforded every luxury, and at last, is whisked +away into eternity, quickly, and, as far as possible, painlessly, with +a grand opera and limelight effect. + +"We have learned many things from Mongolia; gunpowder, the printing +press and many other great discoveries have been traced back to +Celestial origin. Let us, then, adopt her method of dealing with +troublesome subjects. A 'harikari' sentence saves the nation much +trouble and expense. A coroner's verdict of 'suicide by request,' is +much more simple, and just as good as a lengthy criminal prosecution, +besides affording the transgressor a choice of weapons. He may prefer +a strychnine sandwich to the rope, or an unobtrusive blow-out-the-gas +transition to the electric chair; he may choose to loiter carelessly +in the path of a metropolitan trolley car; to caress the rear +elevation of an army mule, or insist upon reading a spring poem to +an athletic and busy editor. Many persons are particular upon these +subjects and, if the individual liberty, which is the watchword of +our nation, is to be preserved, some license should be allowed even a +felon under such conditions. + +"If we really wish to decrease and discourage vice, however, let us +go about it in a logical manner and hold up a terrible example to +those premeditating crime. The prisoner should be visited by none but +religious advisers of every denomination, except on certain days when +free admittance should be granted to sketch artists, camera fiends, +elocutionists and young authors. All newspaper articles relating to +his case should be carefully suppressed; no reading matter furnished +him except dialect stories, and amateur photographs, taken by +visitors, should be hung upon the wall. Between times the prisoner +might be employed in washing dishes for a cooking school and testing +the products of pupils. After two months of unremitting toil, +according to this itinerary, he might be safely liberated, if life +remained, and it is safe to say that his experience, when related to +associates, would have a more deterrent effect upon the 'profesh' than +several kinds of death penalties could hope to produce." + + + + +SCIENCE AND WEATHER. + + +"Science," said the Observer, "is a great thing and applicable to +almost every line of endeavor. You can kill people in a scientific +manner--witness the late Madame Borgia and others. You can shoe a +horse scientifically, beg scientifically or hypnotize a squalling +infant into innocuous quietude by the aid of science. Marconi has +signalled across the ocean; Santos-Dumont has navigated the air and +Austria has proven her neutrality in the Spanish-American war by +scientific means. But there is one thing which Science cannot tackle +with any degree of success, and that is the weather problem. + +"The gift of weather prophecy goes with rheumatism and not with +government appointment. The barometer and the anemometer are not in it +with a touch of gout, a sailor's superstitions or a farmer's instinct, +and, until the Department of Agriculture realizes this, the weather +forecast will have no practical value except as an interesting bit of +fiction. + +"I once heard of a man who was 'salivated' in a quicksilver mine, +and who, as a result, turned into a living barometer. If his head was +clear and his feet were heavy, it was a sure sign of rain in Summer or +frost in Winter. If, on the contrary, he seemed depressed mentally and +yearned for exercise, a rise in temperature and fair weather were in +order. He amassed a large fortune in making weather bets, but one day +when the thermometer was down below zero, he stepped on a tack and +all the mercury ran out of his heel. After that he lost all his money +betting with a neighbor who had a rheumatic left joint, and died of +grief in abject poverty. + +"The only way by which the government may hope to secure competent +weather prognostigators is in the establishment of regular training +schools for its prophets. The candidate should be examined as to +fitness, just as the applicant for a West Point cadetship. He +should possess inherited tendencies toward rheumatism as a primary +qualification. Then, after serving three years before the mast and +putting in an equal period of active labor on a farm, he would be able +to turn out correct forecasts with no other apparatus than a set of +signal flags, a typewriter and a hektograph. + +"It wouldn't be scientific," concluded the Observer, reflectively, +"because he couldn't explain his deductions on a basis of dynamic +pressure, electrical disturbances, or velocity of air currents. But +it would be a safe tip for the city man to get out his umbrella, +mackintosh and overshoes and for the farmer to cover up his hay, if +the rain flag were seen to float on the weather pole." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Fate has posted a great big placard over the Hall of +Fame."] + + * * * * * + + + + +THE ESSENTIALS OF GREATNESS. + + +"Oh yes! Steve White was a great man," said the Observer, as he chalked +his cue and reflectively gazed at the balls, "but he was born in that +class. If he hadn't been, Stephen Mallory White would probably have +cut no greater figure in the world than any other man. + +"Did you ever hear of a man who wasn't born in some country village, +'of poor but honest parents,' amounting to a row of pins? Not on your +life! It's the true and only essential of greatness. Yes, there are +lots of fellows fixed that way who don't make their mark, but that's +because they don't try. + +"Everybody knows how Carnegie got his start; didn't Lincoln use to +chop wood for a living, and Garfield drive a canal boat team? Wasn't +Gould a messenger boy, and General Miles a private? It's a 'cinch,' +a 'kismet.' Fate has posted a great big placard over the door to Fame +and it says, 'None But Impecunious Young Countrymen Need Apply.' + +"That is why I always thought reincarnation was a good scheme. The +Theosophists say that every soul must pass through a certain number of +experiences, before it can attain perfection. Now, here's a chance for +some unfortunate scion of wealth or nobility, who has lived a useless +and uneventful life, and wants to do something for his country. + +"He can go to some secluded hamlet, inquire as to the probable date +of the next birth in the neighborhood, and, when things are in shape, +he can blow out the gas some night and wake up the next morning as a +new-born babe, with all the elements of greatness strong upon him. + +"When this fact becomes generally known, people will donate their +funds to charitable institutions and move to the country to raise +future presidents, senators and merchant princes; there will be an +epidemic of suicide among the idle rich, and the birth-rate of our +rural districts will increase a hundredfold; the population of cities +will be sadly decimated; waste lands will be cleared and cultivated, +as if by magic, and, a generation hence, there will come forth from +the agricultural regions a host of young toilers with Destiny's +diploma for future greatness in their pockets." + +The Observer was so wrapped up in his prophecy that he missed his shot +by fully half an inch and put the wrong end of his cigar in his mouth. +After carefully wiping the ashes out of his teeth and kicking the +proprietor's cat, he resumed: + +"I rather got off the subject, and don't want you to put me down +as endorsing reincarnation, either, but when I hear a lot of folks +talking about what a great man So-and-So was; how he had to get up +before daylight to chop wood and feed the stock, in order to get to +school on time, I say to myself, 'What Tommyrot! As if Providence +didn't have it all fixed for him.'" + + + + +HORSE SENSE + + +"In some ways the average man hasn't the sense of the average +horse," said the Observer, taking a shot at the cuspidor and looking +thoroughly disgusted. "Horse sense is a brand of intelligence +immeasurably above that displayed by human beings under certain +conditions. No, I'm not suffering from dyspepsia or gout--I've simply +been watching people as they try to pass each other in halls and +doorways, and on the street. It's enough to make a man ashamed that he +was born a 'Lord of creation.' + +"The average horse doesn't need to be guided when he sees another +horse coming the other way. He swerves to the right, as naturally +as a bull-dog chases a tramp. What does the average man do when he +suddenly meets another coming hurriedly in an opposite direction? He +places himself squarely in front of him and then begins a series of +side-steps, first to one side and then the other, in exact accordance +with those of the man he is trying to pass, like the mirror pantomime +in Hanlon's Fantasma. Finally, both come to a standstill, facing each +other, and one tries to execute a quick flank movement to the left. +Just at this moment the other suddenly remembers that he would have +avoided all this tomfoolery if he had only kept to the right, and +tries to make good on this hypothesis. The result is that they bump +into each other violently and begin side-stepping again. After another +round or two of Terpsichorean gymnastics one of them breaks through +the other's guard and escapes and each continues on his belated way, +thinking what an infernal idiot the other is. + +[Illustration: "Oof!"] + +"I have known men who gained international renown for their +strategy and 'sang froid' on the battlefield; men whose calmness +and deliberation have averted many a financial crisis and men whose +marvelous executive capacity and keen insight into human affairs have +won them great fortunes. I have seen these same men trying to pass +other pedestrians in a narrow hallway and act in a way which would +make a lunatic ashamed of himself. + +"A drummer, who travels for a large Eastern jobbing concern, was once +entering the establishment of a firm which always bought heavily +from his house. One of the proprietors was just going out. They came +together in the doorway, and, before they could pass each other, a +rival salesman slipped by and sold the other partner a large bill of +goods. + +"Congress ought to pass an appropriation for the purpose of teaching +people how to pass each other. If the surplus energy and brainwork +consumed in this task under present methods were applied to some more +useful purpose, a great reform movement would have been inaugurated." + + + + +THE MANNISH WOMAN. + + +"I don't want to achieve a reputation as a 'knocker,'" said the +Observer, knitting his brow thoughtfully, "but, I nevertheless, aver +and maintain that the national evil of this great land is the mannish +woman. + +"No, I don't mean the woman who can earn a living in some professional +pursuit that has hitherto been monopolized by men. Why, with our male +milliners, dressmakers, cooks, and what not, she has been driven to it +by man himself. Even the servant girl has become a thing of the past, +and the 'help' of the present day wears trousers,--not metaphorically, +as his female predecessor was wont to do--but literally. However, I'm +not going to discuss the servant-girl question. That is an old story +and a painful one--almost as painful as the mannish woman. + +"This fearful and wonderful product of American progressiveness--this +worst type of monomaniac (man-o-maniac, one might more appropriately +term her) is driving men to drink. The mother-in-law is a thing of +beauty and a joy forever, compared to the mannish woman; the female +book-agent takes on new lustre and even the poetess is a desirable +companion beside her. The mannish woman wears a coat and vest and--no, +she doesn't wear trousers, because she doesn't dare, but a vertical +strip of braid down the middle of her skirt suggests the effect. From +a distance you couldn't distinguish between her and a man to save your +life, for her hat, shirt-bosom, collar and tie are the real thing. +She has pockets in her skirt, one on each side, and, sometimes at +the club, she puts her hands in them and, with arms akimbo, admires +herself in the glass. At the club also she does other things to +show how independent she is. She slaps her friend on the back with +a 'Hello, Gertie. How's tricks?' and orders a glass of soda-lemonade +with a cherry in it. She wouldn't take a man's arm for the world, +which is perhaps fortunate, for she seldom gets a chance. But she +likes to talk to a man about the races and exhibit her knowledge of +baseball slang. + +"A friend of mine has an elderly sister who is a mannish woman. +Contrary to the popular belief, she never borrows his neckties or +collars, but perhaps this may be accounted for by the fact that Fred +is rather stout in the neck and seldom wears a tie. She got him to tie +a four-in-hand for her one day. Fred used to be a sea-captain in his +early days and, although he could make all kinds of splices with a +rope, he had never tackled a four-in-hand. He was game, however, and, +after a hard tussle, accomplished what is known in nautical parlance +as a 'clove hitch.' Fred's sister wore it night and day for a week and +then cut it off with a pair of scissors. + +"Fred had another experience some time after this which nearly proved +serious. His sister was on the reception committee for a club function +one evening and asked her brother's advice in regard to mixing punch. +Fred is an obliging fellow, so he got his friend, who is a barkeeper, +to mix up a couple of gallons and send it over to the clubhouse with +his compliments. The barkeeper thought it was for Fred's club so he +made it good and stiff. It was an innocuous looking mixture and tasted +innocent enough, so the club women said it was 'bully' and partook +freely. + +"About twelve o'clock that night, somebody telephoned for Fred to come +quick. Just exactly what happened, Fred never would tell, but it cost +him about $40 for cab fares and an equal amount to keep it out of the +papers. Now, whenever one of the club women sees him, she crosses the +street. + +"I don't believe there is any province in Heaven for the mannish +woman. If there is, I know lots of men who would enter upon a life of +crime rather than take a chance of going there when they die. I think +there is a special place in Hades, where the mannish woman will be +made to wear a mother-hubbard and let down her back hair. If there +isn't, Mephistopheles don't understand his business a little bit." + + + + +A WONDERFUL MACHINE. + + +"I see by one of the papers that a Chinaman has invented a typewriter +which writes in the Celestial language," said the Observer, handing +the bootblack a nickel and shaking hands with the crowd. "This +bright Oriental, who is known as Tap-Key, has undertaken a very large +contract, for the Chinese language, as most people know, is composed +entirely of word symbols, each of which represents a word; some +combining to form other words, as for instance, a square represents +a field, and a combination of 'man' and 'field' signifies a farmer; +while 'a man in a box' most graphically describes a prisoner, and 'two +women' typify 'gossip,' which is emphasized by adding another of the +fair sex, so that a half-dozen women in a row would probably mean the +direst kind of mischief. + +[Illustration: Chinese typewriter] + +"Well, to embrace any kind of a vocabulary, this machine would need to +have about 5,000 characters, and would require quite a force of men +to operate it, but the advantages which would accrue from its use are +almost inestimable. The Spaniards have found in the typewriter a most +effective instrument of war, and through its use many of Weyler's most +important battles were won. Reports from South Africa seem to indicate +that it has played no unimportant role in England's subjugation of the +Boers, and General Elwell S. Otis has even been accused of employing +it with terrible effect against the forces of Aguinaldo. With such an +awful weapon as Tap-Key has invented the Chinese government might defy +the allied powers with impunity and even regain the territory captured +by Japan. The young Emperor could doubtless put to flight the august +but doughty dowager, as well as his beloved relative, Prince Tuan, +and rule his flowery kingdom in peace and harmony, while Li Hung Chang +would lose his head, metaphorically, if not literally, in favor of +Tap-Key, future lord of the war department." + + + + +DRAWBACKS OF THE KING BUSINESS. + + +"No," said the Observer, thoughtfully, "I never cherished dreams +of inordinate wealth or power; there's nothing in it. If a man is +satisfied to reach a moderate altitude he may enjoy it unmolested, but +if he succeeds in scaling some remarkable height, there immediately +arises an army of envious cranks ready to take his life or make it so +miserable for him that he will be glad to sell out at half price and +gratefully descend into the obscurity from which he rose. + +"Nor, is it only the self-made man to whom these remarks apply. Take, +for example, the Czar of Russia, the Emperor of Germany, or any +other potentate, Christian or heathen, civilized or savage, great or +small. He has more trouble to the square inch than a weather prophet. +Nicholas III is probably the worst off of them all. He gets up early +in the morning and shaves himself with a safety razor, while the court +chemist is analyzing his breakfast for traces of arsenic or prussic +acid; then he dons his bullet-proof coat, descends a private stairway +to a bomb-proof drawing-room and receives his meals on a dumb-waiter +from the laboratory with the chemist's certificate that all injurious +substances have been removed. + +[Illustration: Nicholas III, shaving.] + +"This is the latest method, an official taster having been formerly +employed, but owing to the exorbitant rate of insurance on such +officers and the rapid decimation of the royal retinue, that plan was +recently abandoned. After finishing his repast the Czar receives the +morning papers, previously disinfected, and after reading the news, +sentences a few nihilists to death by means of a long-distance +telephone. + +[Illustration: The court chemist analyzes the Czar's breakfast.] + +"In Germany the situation is almost as bad. The Kaiser spends the +entire morning endeavoring to suppress an incipient revolution, and +after convicting several editors for 'les majeste,' drives around the +streets of Berlin, wearing a baseball mask and making speeches to his +soldiers, upon whom he urges the necessity of constant watchfulness. + +"The young potentate of the Celestial empire is not far behind. He +keeps one eye on the dowager and the other on Li Hung Chang, while he +sends out harikari mandates to troublesome officials, and stands off +the Russian ambassador. Last, but not least, is the Sultan of Turkey, +who has a large family to provide for and who keeps a man busy issuing +promissory notes to Uncle Sam so that his wives may be properly +supplied with filigree hair pins and divided skirts. They say he +recently bought the entire stock of an insolvent dry goods store for +his harem, and it only went half way around. + +"The king business is not what it is cracked up to be. I know lots of +fellows who would make first-rate kings, and I don't know but what I +would make quite a hit in that line myself. But I wouldn't take the +job if I could get it. I'd sooner be chief of police or a corporation +lawyer. There's more money in it and not half the danger." + + + + +THE EATING HABIT + + +"My friend," said the Observer to his vis-à-vis, who was studying the +bill-of-fare on the other side of the table, "did you ever stop to +consider in what an advanced age we are living? Have you ever studied +the laws of the universe and sought to figure them out?" + +"'Never had time,' you say; 'keeps a man busy providing cash to feed +his family.' Well, that's just the point. Have you never realized that +half of our time is spent in preparing, eating and digesting food, +while the other half is employed in making money enough to buy it? +Now, students of psychology say that, in time, the human body will +become so refined that it will be able to absorb all necessary +nourishment from 'universal life,' and need not gorge itself with +animal or vegetable organisms. + +"What vast changes such a condition will inaugurate. The Frenchman +will no longer clog his digestive apparatus with 'pate de foi gras;' +the rodent will pursue the even tenor of his way in the land of the +heathen Chinee, without danger of being converted into a stew; the +aged mutton of Merrie England will gambol on the green, with chops +intact; the Teuton will forsake his sauerkraut; the benighted heathen +his missionary pot-pourri, and the ghosts of slaughtered canines shall +cease to haunt the sausage-maker of our own beloved country. + +"It means the elimination of the dyspeptic and the 'autocrat of the +breakfast table,' who frowns coldly upon the efforts of his young wife +in the culinary line and carries off her biscuits to serve as paper +weights. The scoffer at occidental table manners will cease to cavil +at the genial westerner who eats vegetables with a knife, pie with +a spoon, and drinks his coffee from the saucer, a napkin tucked in +graceful folds beneath his ample chin. + +"The picturesque phraseology of the Bowery-waiter will fade from +view when he ceases to hustle 'stacks of whites,' 'plainers,' and +'straight-ups' to waiting customers, or bawl a hoarse-voiced 'draw +one,' to the white-capped cook. + +"The grafter will lack his usual excuse for making a 'touch;' the +after-dinner speech will no more pave the politician's ways to fame, +and the portrait of the baby that thrived on Malter's Malted Milk, +which now embellishes the pages of newspaper and magazine, will become +naught but a lingering memory of the past." + + + + +DELIGHTS OF FLASHLIGHT PHOTOGRAPHY. + + +"See those hands?" said the Observer, holding up two "bunches of +fives," whose digits were stained near the ends with some dark brown +substance, "that's pyrogallic acid--and that burn near my thumb was +made by Blitz Pulver. It wouldn't take a Sherlock Holmes to discover +that I had the camera craze, would it? + +"The other day I went into a photographic supply house to look at some +of their cameras and the clerk sold me one of the kind that 'a child +can operate.' He didn't say where the child was to be found, but I +have since concluded that it must be a very remarkable specimen of the +infant prodigy, and is probably touring the country as a dime museum +attraction on the strength of its wonderful abilities. + +[Illustration: Poor B. is kicked by a calf.] + +"I took the camera home with me and carefully assimilated the printed +instructions which accompanied it, fixed up a dark room in the +woodshed and then sauntered proudly back with my machine under my arm +to photograph the baby. + +"Now, I've always prided myself on the genial good nature of my +infant. He hardly ever cries or kicks the covers off, or becomes +afflicted with colic about 3 A.M. The butcher says he takes after me, +though my wife won't acknowledge this, notwithstanding the fact that +the butcher has six of his own and ought to know. Well, the moment +I came in, that kid, instead of rolling his eyes and saying, +'a-goo-goo,' which means 'papa,' as everyone knows, set up a regular +Comanche howl and threw his rattle at me. When I took him in my arms +and tried to quiet him, he clawed at my eyes, kicked a pocketful of +cigars to pieces and bellowed so vociferously that I gave him back to +his ma. + +"After a while he began to listen to reason and I set up my outfit +near the window in order to have a good light. I tore down a blind and +ripped a lace curtain clear across in my effort to get two exposures, +and, Good Lord! you ought to see those prints. + +"In the first snap I must have moved the camera, for I got only one +side of the baby, but that side had three different arms and you could +see the back of the chair through all of them. The second was normal, +as to limbs, etc., and plumb in the center, but it was all fuzzy, like +an impressionist picture. + +"I took them to the photo' store and asked the clerk what was wrong. +He said: + +"'Why, you've timed 'em too long. He's moved all over the plate. You +want to use a big stop and make it quick!' + +"'But what do you make it of and what is it for?' I asked perplexedly. + +"He laughed and explained that I should make the hole in my lens +larger and take a more rapid exposure; then he sold me a bottle of +flashlight powder. + +"That night I thought I would take a group at the dinner table, so +we all assembled around the board. After knocking down a couple of +pictures and upsetting the cuspidor, I got things all ready to light +the fuse, expecting to get back to my chair and be in the picture +before the stuff went off. The moment I lit it, however, the durned +thing blazed up like a small volcano and I ran around the room for +a minute or so with my thumb in my mouth. Then I discovered that the +slide had not been withdrawn from the plate-holder. Well, the room +was full of smoke and the baby was so badly frightened that we had to +put him to bed before I could make another attempt. When my wife came +back I set the cat up in the high-chair to fill out the gap and tried +it again. This time, by using a long fuse and making a third-base +slide, I got almost to my chair and the prospects looked promising. +The result was an excellent view of the back of my head, occupying +three-fourths of the plate, through which could be dimly discerned a +silhouette of my wife and a black streak in mid-air which represented +the cat jumping over the coffeepot. + +[Illustration: Poor B. hanging by his pantaloons on a fence-post.] + +"I know a fellow, though, who had a worse experience than mine. He +took home a kodak and a 'creme de menthe' jag one night, and, as all +his folks had retired and he was too impatient to wait until morning, +he went out to the stable to flashlight the calf. The calf was too +sleepy to object till the stuff exploded. Then he became imbued with +such sudden and tremendous vitality that he kicked poor B. and his +outfit into the middle of next week. The hired man heard the racket +and found him hanging by his pantaloons on a fence-post. Part of the +tripod was about his neck; his hair was full of ground glass and he +was murmuring something about a trolley-car. They put him to bed and +the first thing he said after he came to, was, 'Did they arrest the +motorman?' + +"I hear fellows talking about golf and driving four-in-hand, but, if +anyone wants to experience a real hot time, let him get one of these +easy-working cameras and practice on the family." + + + + +WONDERS OF SPIRITUALISM. + + +"Spiritualism is a wonderful thing," said the Observer in a +retrospective tone. "As a source of valuable information, it beats the +Encyclopedia Brittanica in an easy hand gallop; the tonsorial artist +is not in its class and even the 'Intelligence Office,' pales into +innocuous desuetude beside it. + +"Had it not been for a recent visit to a medium, I should never have +learned many important truths which affect me very closely. In the +first place I should not have known that I have a little brother and +sister in 'spirit life.' I had always considered myself an only child +and all of my relatives and friends cherished the same illusion. You +may imagine my astonishment, then, at receiving messages from Brother +Charley and Sister Ida, both of whom the medium described with +marvelous attention to detail. They told me not to worry--that it +would all come right, and that they were always with me, which is +comforting and shows how affectionate children can be--even in spirit +life. + +"The next revelation which came from the 'other side' was the +statement that a dark cloud which was then hovering over me, would +soon pass away. This was interesting as well as instructive and, as +I was idly speculating as to the exact location of the cloud, I was +suddenly startled to learn that two beautiful young women--one fair +and wealthy, the other dark and poor, but accomplished--had won my +heart and that I was hesitating as to which one I loved the more. + +"This was somewhat distressing and wholly unpremeditated on my +part. I caught myself hoping, with a vague sense of guilt, that my +wife wouldn't hear of it, for I knew it would worry her and bring +about complications between us. Perhaps this was the dark cloud, +I ruminated, and felt cheered by the assurance that it would soon +pass away. The spirit that told me these things was evidently in +a communicative mood and had, no doubt, looked up my case very +carefully. + +"'You are very sensitive,' she told me--I use the word 'she' +advisedly, for no masculine spirit could possibly have ferreted out +all these facts. 'You touch many natures closely and benefit by +this faculty.' I had just borrowed a little money from a friend and +wondered if anything personal was intended by the word 'touch.' But I +cast this thought aside as unworthy--no spirit would resort to slang. + +"'Do you often hear voices, indistinctly?' continued the spirit, +'strange voices which seem to call you and then sink away?' I thought +of the telephone and wondered how she could have known. + +"'Yes,' I said, I hear them every day.' + +"'Ah!' said the spirit, 'you are mediumistic.' + +"I started. 'Is it painful?' I asked, 'or likely to become chronic?' + +"The medium sat bolt upright in her chair and rubbed her eyes +violently. 'Your levity has destroyed the conditions,' she said. 'Two +dollars, please.' + +"I paid the money, and, in going out, I met a man looking at his watch +in an irritated way. + +"'I engaged a sitting for 3 o'clock by telephone,' he said. 'Why have +I been kept waiting half an hour?' + +"The medium's jaw dropped with peculiar suddenness and she sat down +heavily in a chair. A sudden revelation came to me. + +"'Sir,' I said, addressing the stranger, 'pardon the inquiry, but have +you a Sister Ida and a Brother Charley in spirit life? Do you love two +women--one fair and wealthy, the other poor and dark, but talented? +Does a dark cloud hover over your life and do you hear voices calling +you from afar? Are you sensitive and have you developed the sense of +tou--?' + +"'Enough!' cried the man, hoarsely. 'I am convinced--here is your +money,' and he handed me a five-dollar bill. + +"'Thanks,' said I, and left them there together." + + + + +THE POTENCY OF THE TESTIMONIAL + + +"Did you ever read the testimonial letters of noted persons?" said the +Observer, thoughtfully, stirring his coffee. "There are many things +which come with fame besides public adulation; they are material +things and have a certain commercial as well as sentimental value, +such as soap and corsets, patent medicines, face powder, vapor baths, +books, cigars, corned beef, fountain pens, and patented trouser +hangers. As soon as a man gets his name in print a few times he is +deluged with samples by every manufacturer in the country. I know an +actor who hasn't bought a cake of toilet soap since he began to play +leading parts. All he's got to do is to write a testimonial for some +new brand, saying he would use no other, and he gets a case; then, +there is a leading lady who once endorsed a certain kind of shoe, +and now she's got a dozen pairs in her trunk, which didn't cost her +a cent. + +"Among the personal effects of the late Senator D---- were six dozen +porous plasters and nearly a gross of Casey's Liver Regulator. Whether +the senator's demise was due to his strenuous efforts to deplete this +generous supply has never been made known, but I very much doubt if +the doctor, who attributed his death to heart failure was familiar +with these facts at the time. + +"Another famous statesman, who was as bald as he was absent-minded, +once mailed a testimonial to the manufacturer of Blank's Hair +Restorer, enclosing a photograph of himself. In their next +advertisement they made two cuts from the picture, painting a +profusion of wavy hair upon one, and ran them over a reproduction of +his letter, labeled, 'Before and after using.' When the old gentleman +saw it he was so pleased with his appearance in the latter cut that he +straightforth bought a wig and ever afterwards kept up the delusion. + +"Then there's the man who is cured by X-Y-Z Cough Cure, or Blither's +Sarsaparilla. He may not be known to half a hundred people before +he tries this wonderful stimulant; but after he takes half a dozen +bottles and is 'snatched from the jaws of death,' his name and +features become familiar to several millions of people. I know a +carpenter in a northern county who resorted to this method and was +so well advertised that, when the national representative for that +district died, B---- was nominated for Congress and elected by a big +majority. + +"There is a saying that 'some men are born great; some achieve +greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.' I don't know who +made this statement, or why it was made, but it's dollars to doughnuts +that the fellow who did was saved from an untimely grave by the +curative powers of Bunker Hill Stomach Bitters and rose from obscurity +to high position as a result." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "They usually read * * * Dante's Inferno and think how +sweet it is to suffer."] + + * * * * * + + + + +AMBITIONS AND THINGS. + + +"Ambition is a good thing," said the Observer, deftly flicking the ash +from his cigar. "It provides one with a certain amount of incentive +which may prove useful in developing latent resources, but it ought to +be carried about in a glass case and labeled, 'Handle with care.' + +"Cæsar had an ambition, but he overworked it with disastrous effect. +Napoleon got good results from his for a while, but it finally gave +out on him, and William Jennings Bryan, the latest prominent victim +of ambition is in such a bad way that he has to ride on tourist +cars, like 'common people.' This may be due to a beautiful spirit of +consistency on his part, as editor of the 'Commoner,' but it is not in +line with his ambition. All of which goes to show that ambition is no +more subject to a guarantee than a patent-leather shoe--it looks very +fine when you first get it, but it cracks. + +"Then there is the ideal, which is even more perishable, but can +fortunately be replaced when it breaks--for it does not wear out. +Like a Prince Rupert drop, it is just as good as new until something +steps on its tail, and then there is nothing left but a noise and a +disturbed atmospheric condition. + +"After a fellow's ideal, explodes he generally idles away his time +pitying himself and saying sarcastic things about the entire human +race, until he achieves a local reputation as a cynic. When in this +state of mind there is no use in telling him that he is not the only +original possessor of a bona fide broken ideal. He'll show you a +little superficial scratch and say in husky tones, 'see this great +wound it has made in my constitution, it will never heal. Happiness +is an iridescent dream. Go and leave me to my fate! 'Then he'll heave +a sigh which he thinks comes from a broken heart, but which really +emanates from a dyspeptic condition, caused by lack of exercise. After +a while he finds that this brand of romance is an overcrowded field +and that he doesn't get sufficient sympathy to make it pay. When he +realizes that he is up against the competitive system good and hard, +he bids a fond farewell to sentiment and goes to work. + +"It is interesting to watch young women, just after they lose an +ideal. They generally have more time to indulge the 'broken heart' +idea and do it so much more scientifically than men. It is very +effective to lounge about in a darkened room, wearing a pale, hopeless +expression and picturesque négligée. They usually read Faust and +Dante's Inferno and think how sweet it is to suffer. + +"When friends come to cheer them up they sigh softly and say, 'Ah, no; +it is too late. Once I had aims and aspirations, but Fate has swept +them all away. I shall only drift and drift now, until it is all +over.' + +"Then, the comforters go away with tears in their eyes and send her +flowers. + +"'How the poor child has suffered,' they say. But Providence only has +a quiet laugh up her sleeve and says, as she winks the other eye, + +"'What fools these mortals be!'" + + + + +THE TELEPHONE FACE + + +"What's the matter with that man?" said the Observer, repeating his +friend's interrogation, as they passed a pedestrian wearing a most +prodigious frown. "Don't you know what's the matter with him? He's got +the telephone face. + +"Never heard of it, eh? Well, that shows that your powers of +perception are not particularly acute. The telephone face is no longer +a physiognomical freak, but a prevalent expression among the several +thousand unfortunate clerks and business men who find extensive use +for the telephone necessary. It is a distinctive cast of features, +too, which can readily be distinguished from any other by one who can +read faces at all. + +"The dyspeptic has a 'face.' His expression is fitful and disgruntled, +but underlying it is a gleam of hope; the insolvent man, harassed by +creditors, has another well-defined type of facial mold. It is haunted +and worried, with a tinge of defiance in it; the owner of the 'bicycle +face' has his features set in lines of deadly resolution; the 'golf +face' displays fanatical enthusiasm and a puzzled look resulting from +a struggle with the vocabulary of the game; the 'poker face' shows +immobility and superstition; the 'telegraph face,' according to a +well-known New York professor, is 'vacant, stoic and unconcerned,' but +the 'telephone face' stands out among all of these in a class peculiar +to itself. There are traces of a battle and defeat marked on it; the +stamp of hope deferred and resignation, yet without that placidity +which usually betokens the acceptance of an inevitable destiny. The +brows are drawn together above the nose, and at times a murderous +glint shows in the half-closed eyes of the possessor. + +"The peculiar feature about the man with the 'telephone face' is, that +he always believes the day will come when he will be able to get the +right number and the right man without being told that the 'line's +busy,' 'party does not reply,' or 'phone is out of order.' He is +like the man who always backs the wrong horse, the poet with an 'Ode +to Spring,' or the honest man seeking a political job, continually +defeated, but ever dreaming of ultimate success. + +"I know of only one instance in which the dream was realized. A +new girl had been installed in a telephone office without proper +instructions--a most unprecedented case. A bookkeeper, grown gray +in the service of a large mercantile house, picked up his receiver +wearily. It rang the new girl's bell, and like a flash, she said, +'Hello.' The bookkeeper gasped. 'Is that you, Central?' he asked +huskily. 'Yes,' replied the unsophisticated maiden, pleasantly. 'What +number, please?' The old man sat bolt upright and clutched the desk. +'Give me purple six double-nine,' he said, in quavering tones, and +his weak form trembled as he spoke. Nimbly worked the fingers of the +uninitiated telephone girl, as she struck a peg in the switchboard and +quickly rang a bell. A voice at the other end responded promptly, and +the bookkeeper wiped cold beads of perspiration from his brow before +he answered. 'Is this Jones & Company?' he almost shrieked. 'Yes,' +came the reply, full and clear, 'this is Jones talking.' + +"A dull thud followed, and, when the other clerks rushed in, they +found the old man lying still and cold, his right hand still grasping +the receiver of the telephone, which had fallen to the floor beside +him, and a smile of the most transcendent happiness they had ever +seen, upon his faded lips." + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Said the Observer, by Louis J. Stellman + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12832 *** |