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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:48 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:48 -0700 |
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diff --git a/12832-h/12832-h.htm b/12832-h/12832-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c040a8a --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/12832-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1565 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Said the Observer, by Louis J. Stellmann.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12832 ***</div> + + <hr class="full" /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/1.png" + alt="The Telephone Face." /></a>THE TELEPHONE FACE. + </div> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h1>SAID THE OBSERVER</h1> + + <h3>By</h3> + + <h2>Louis J. Stellmann</h2> + + <h3>ILLUSTRATIONS BY</h3> + + <h2>J.P. BURNHAM AND V.C. FORSYTHE</h2> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>San Francisco</h4> + + <h4>The Whitaker & Ray Co.</h4> + + <h4>Incorporated</h4> + + <h4>1903</h4> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" + id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" + id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <h3>Dedication.</h3> + + <h4>TO MY MOTHER ON HER FIFTIETH BIRTHDAY.</h4> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Half of a century's gladness</p> + + <p class="i2">And half of a century's tears,</p> + + <p>Lost in the mighty silence</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the past and vanished years!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, what a sea of memories</p> + + <p class="i2">Surge back from the time gone + by—</p> + + <p>The waters of Life's river;</p> + + <p class="i2">How many a smile or sigh—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Has made them dance and sparkle;</p> + + <p class="i2">Or, storm-tossed as they ran,</p> + + <p>Adown the course of Being,</p> + + <p class="i2">Since the current first + began!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" + id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How many a note of gladness</p> + + <p class="i2">Has the music of their flow,</p> + + <p>Brought to the hearts of others</p> + + <p class="i2">To lighten their load of woe!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How often, too, has Duty</p> + + <p class="i2">Claimed its sacrifice of pain?</p> + + <p>How many hours of sorrow</p> + + <p class="i2">Have been for another's gain?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No mind can weigh or measure,</p> + + <p class="i2">The light that a woman's love</p> + + <p>Casts on Life's darkened pathways,</p> + + <p class="i2">Save that of the God above.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From out the time that's vanished</p> + + <p class="i2">A message of Peace is borne.</p> + + <p>A future glad in Promise,</p> + + <p>Like a sunshine-laden morn—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Smiles welcome now and beckons</p> + + <p class="i2">To a new and brighter day.</p> + + <p>The years to come are gladder</p> + + <p class="i2">Than those that have passed away.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" + id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> + + <h3>Preface.</h3> + + <p>It is the custom of some authors to preface their earlier + works with excuses for sending their "little volume out into + the world," and to bespeak in its behalf the leniency of both + critic and reader. I have no such apologies, however, to make + for this work. I have confidence in its success and it will win + or lose, according to its merits, no matter what I say.</p> + + <p>"Said The Observer" represents stray ideas, gathered here + and there and everywhere, which I have decked out in gay + habiliments of Fancy and embellished with such wit as I + possess. Do not take them seriously, I pray you, for their aim + is to amuse. Do not feel offended if some pet corn is trod + upon, for it is all in fun and no malice is intended.</p> + + <p>Most of the sketches have already appeared in the Los + Angeles <i>Herald</i> and the reader may detect in some a touch + of localism, as for instance, in "The Essentials of Greatness," + which refers casually to the passing of Senator Stephen M. + White. "Steve White," as he was affectionately dubbed by those + who knew him, was a great man in California, though, perhaps, + his fame as an orator and statesman may not have penetrated far + beyond the borders of the Golden State. In two other sketches + references are made to Li Hung Chang. Both were written prior + to the death of the distinguished Oriental diplomat, and I have + chosen to explain seeming anachronisms, rather than change my + narrative to conform with later events.</p> + + <p>THE AUTHOR.</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" + id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + + <h3>Contents.</h3> + + <table summary="Contents." + align="center"> + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td>PAGE</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">INFLUENCE OF THE PIPE</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page7">7</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">OUR FRIEND THE MURDERER</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page13">13</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">SCIENCE AND WEATHER</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page19">19</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">THE ESSENTIALS OF GREATNESS</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page23">23</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">HORSE SENSE</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page27">27</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">THE MANNISH WOMAN</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page31">31</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">A WONDERFUL MACHINE</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page36">36</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">DRAWBACKS OF THE KING BUSINESS</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page39">39</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">THE EATING HABIT</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page43">43</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">DELIGHTS OF FLASHLIGHT + PHOTOGRAPHY</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page46">46</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">WONDERS OF SPIRITUALISM</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page54">54</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">THE POTENCY OF THE TESTIMONIAL</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page59">59</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">AMBITIONS AND THINGS</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page65">65</a></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">THE TELEPHONE FACE</td> + + <td align="right"><a href="#page69">69</a></td> + </tr> + </table> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" + id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> + + <h2>Influence of the Pipe.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/10.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/10.png" + alt="Influence of the Pipe." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"I see, by a recent paper," said the Observer, as he lit + another cigar and resettled himself in his chair, "that a + Chicago physician and a lot of fool women, who are evidently + jealous of Carrie Nation, are about to start an active crusade + against the 'Smoke Nuisance.' This is ambiguous enough to + warrant the supposition that their object is the compulsory + introduction of some patented device for clearing the + atmosphere of Pittsburg and other manufacturing towns, but + their real aim is to discourage the use of tobacco. Now, of all + the human <span class="pagenum"><a name="page8" + id="page8"></a>[pg 8]</span> pests which afflict the + long-suffering public, the anti-smoke agitator is about the + worst. Why, man alive! what would become of the human race + without tobacco? It is the grease which lubricates the Wheel + of Evolution. Since the time of Sir Walter Raleigh + civilization has advanced more rapidly by one hundred per + cent. Nearly all great inventors, artists and writers owe + their inspiration to the pipe.</p> + + <p>"A very successful newspaper man whom I know has four + different pipes and each serves a special purpose. When he + wants to write a humorous article, he says to his wife, 'Where + is my funny pipe?' and she hands him a long-handled affair with + a weichsel-wood bowl and a cherry stem that has a kind of + rakish, good-natured curve to it. Then he sits down and grinds + out copy that will make an Englishman laugh at first sight. A + big, dumpy brier, with a shorter stem and a celluloid + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" + id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> end, is responsible for general + descriptive work, sporting news, etc., while a trim little + meerschaum with a carved bowl engenders excellent criticisms + of music and drama. Occasionally, too, this bright fellow, + who does considerable work on the editorial page, gets into + a newspaper controversy. Then he pulls from his pocket a + short 'bull-dog' with a horn tip, whose massive, + square-jawed bowl and ferocious short-curved stem breathe + forth aggressiveness, and, jamming it full of 'plug cut,' he + writes one of those satirical, sledge-hammer roasts which + make him feared by his opponents.</p> + + <p>"One night he was detailed to write up a show at one of the + leading theatres. The play was 'East Lynne,' which, as a + tear-producer, ranks away up and was presented by a first-class + company. When the critic reached home he was feeling pretty + sad, so he looked around for his meerschaum. His wife had been + cleaning house that day and he + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" + id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> couldn't find any pipe but + the long one. What was the result? Why, he wrote such a + humorous description of the play that everybody thought + 'East Lynne' was a farce comedy and, when the performance + closed on the following night, two-thirds of the audience + wanted their money back.</p> + + <p>"His worst crack, though, was when a man of great local + prominence, who stood high with the people, died and it fell to + G.'s lot to describe the funeral ceremonies and eulogize the + deceased. G.'s mother-in-law had just arrived and the poor + fellow was so badly rattled that he got hold of the 'bull-dog' + instead of the brier and made the Hon. G. out the grandest + rascal who had ever preyed upon the vitals of a law-abiding + community. The only thing that saved his neck this time was the + fact that it all turned out to be true and his paper got the + credit of a 'scoop.' After that he had a little case made to + hold all four of his pipes, with a strap to go + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" + id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> around his neck—and I + guess he sleeps with it now.</p> + + <p>"They say that Guttenberg conceived the notion of the + printing press while taking an after-dinner smoke; that + Stephenson's ideas of steam locomotion came to him through the + curling wreaths of his favorite Virginia; and that Morse + figured out the telegraph with a pipe in his mouth. I never + could corroborate these statements, though I don't doubt them a + bit. But, be that as it may, the man, woman or child who tries + to deprive us of the solace and inspiration of tobacco, is like + the goat that tried to butt a train off the track. He is not + only trifling with one of the greatest factors in civilization, + but he is toying with a lost cause."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" + id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/15.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15.png" + alt="The condemned." /></a> "No other man gets half + the flattering attention given the condemned." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" + id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/16-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16-1.png" + alt="Our Friend The Murderer." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/16-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16-2.png" + alt="No" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"No, I don't believe in capital punishment," said the + Observer, as he rose from the barber's chair and adjusted his + collar before the glass. "It's less expensive for the + government than to board a man for life, and it satisfies the + popular idea of justice, but I doubt very much its efficiency + in the suppression of crime.</p> + + <p>"Take the average murderer, for instance. He seems to look + forward to his execution with happy anticipation. He may have + been a hopeless dyspeptic who killed his wife in an agony of + indigestion, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" + id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> following a repast of hot + biscuits and flannel cakes, such as 'mother used to make,' + but as the hour of death approaches, he regains his + appetite, and, just before the solemn moment, partakes of a + hearty breakfast. His whole life may have been a record of + flagrant cowardice, yet he walks steadily to the scaffold + and dies 'like a man'; he may have been illiterate to a + degree, yet in the very shadow of the gallows he writes a + statement for publication the depth and power of which + astonishes the world. From the sentence to the finish, the + murderer's life is one bed of roses. Every pretty girl who + visits the prison brings him flowers and sweets, and begs + eagerly for his autograph; great authors write books about + him; great lawyers draw up petitions from notable men and + women asking for his pardon, and the governor's secretary + works night and day, declining their requests, writing + special permits and "standing off" tearful relatives, + friends and sweethearts, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" + id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> who spring up as if by magic + to plead his cause.</p> + + <p>"No other man gets half the flattering attention that is + given the condemned; no one else is given half the chance to + make a glorious finish. By some occult influence his faults are + utterly effaced and every latent talent is developed to a point + of absolute perfection. When this 'ne plus ultra' is reached, a + quick curtain is dropped over his career, and he lives in the + memory of countless thousands as a martyred hero of the most + splendid moral and mental attainments.</p> + + <p>"Who would not sacrifice life for such a climax? Many men + have said to Fame and Wisdom, 'Let me look upon your face and + die'; many have come to view their Gorgon features and + cheerfully paid the price, and still more have perished + miserably on the way.</p> + + <p>"Now, what is the murderer's sacrifice compared + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" + id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> to these? He is carefully + attended, afforded every luxury, and at last, is whisked + away into eternity, quickly, and, as far as possible, + painlessly, with a grand opera and limelight effect.</p> + + <p>"We have learned many things from Mongolia; gunpowder, the + printing press and many other great discoveries have been + traced back to Celestial origin. Let us, then, adopt her method + of dealing with troublesome subjects. A 'harikari' sentence + saves the nation much trouble and expense. A coroner's verdict + of 'suicide by request,' is much more simple, and just as good + as a lengthy criminal prosecution, besides affording the + transgressor a choice of weapons. He may prefer a strychnine + sandwich to the rope, or an unobtrusive blow-out-the-gas + transition to the electric chair; he may choose to loiter + carelessly in the path of a metropolitan trolley car; to caress + the rear elevation of an army mule, or insist upon reading a + spring poem to <span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" + id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> an athletic and busy editor. + Many persons are particular upon these subjects and, if the + individual liberty, which is the watchword of our nation, is + to be preserved, some license should be allowed even a felon + under such conditions.</p> + + <p>"If we really wish to decrease and discourage vice, however, + let us go about it in a logical manner and hold up a terrible + example to those premeditating crime. The prisoner should be + visited by none but religious advisers of every denomination, + except on certain days when free admittance should be granted + to sketch artists, camera fiends, elocutionists and young + authors. All newspaper articles relating to his case should be + carefully suppressed; no reading matter furnished him except + dialect stories, and amateur photographs, taken by visitors, + should be hung upon the wall. Between times the prisoner might + be employed in washing dishes for a cooking school and + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" + id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span> testing the products of + pupils. After two months of unremitting toil, according to + this itinerary, he might be safely liberated, if life + remained, and it is safe to say that his experience, when + related to associates, would have a more deterrent effect + upon the 'profesh' than several kinds of death penalties + could hope to + produce."</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" + id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span> + + <h2>Science and Weather.</h2> + + <p>"Science," said the Observer, "is a great thing and + applicable to almost every line of endeavor. You can kill + people in a scientific manner—witness the late Madame + Borgia and others. You can shoe a horse scientifically, beg + scientifically or hypnotize a squalling infant into innocuous + quietude by the aid of science. Marconi has signalled across + the ocean; Santos-Dumont has navigated the air and Austria has + proven her neutrality in the Spanish-American war by scientific + means. But there is one thing which Science cannot tackle with + any degree of success, and that is the weather problem.</p> + + <p>"The gift of weather prophecy goes with rheumatism and not + with government appointment. The barometer and the anemometer + are not in it with a touch of gout, a sailor's superstitions or + a farmer's <span class="pagenum"><a name="page20" + id="page20"></a>[pg 20]</span> instinct, and, until the + Department of Agriculture realizes this, the weather + forecast will have no practical value except as an + interesting bit of fiction.</p> + + <p>"I once heard of a man who was 'salivated' in a quicksilver + mine, and who, as a result, turned into a living barometer. If + his head was clear and his feet were heavy, it was a sure sign + of rain in Summer or frost in Winter. If, on the contrary, he + seemed depressed mentally and yearned for exercise, a rise in + temperature and fair weather were in order. He amassed a large + fortune in making weather bets, but one day when the + thermometer was down below zero, he stepped on a tack and all + the mercury ran out of his heel. After that he lost all his + money betting with a neighbor who had a rheumatic left joint, + and died of grief in abject poverty.</p> + + <p>"The only way by which the government may + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" + id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> hope to secure competent + weather prognostigators is in the establishment of regular + training schools for its prophets. The candidate should be + examined as to fitness, just as the applicant for a West + Point cadetship. He should possess inherited tendencies + toward rheumatism as a primary qualification. Then, after + serving three years before the mast and putting in an equal + period of active labor on a farm, he would be able to turn + out correct forecasts with no other apparatus than a set of + signal flags, a typewriter and a hektograph.</p> + + <p>"It wouldn't be scientific," concluded the Observer, + reflectively, "because he couldn't explain his deductions on a + basis of dynamic pressure, electrical disturbances, or velocity + of air currents. But it would be a safe tip for the city man to + get out his umbrella, mackintosh and overshoes and for the + farmer to cover up his hay, if the rain flag were seen to float + on the weather pole."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" + id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/25.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25.png" + alt="The Hall of Fame." /></a> "Fate has posted a + great big placard over the Hall of Fame." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" + id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/26-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/26-1.png" + alt="The Essentials of Greatness." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/26-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/26-2.png" + alt="Oh" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"Oh yes! Steve White was a great man," said the Observer, as + he chalked his cue and reflectively gazed at the balls, "but he + was born in that class. If he hadn't been, Stephen Mallory + White would probably have cut no greater figure in the world + than any other man.</p> + + <p>"Did you ever hear of a man who wasn't born in some country + village, 'of poor but honest parents,' amounting to a row of + pins? Not on your life! It's the true and only essential of + greatness. Yes, there are lots of fellows fixed that way who + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" + id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> don't make their mark, but + that's because they don't try.</p> + + <p>"Everybody knows how Carnegie got his start; didn't Lincoln + use to chop wood for a living, and Garfield drive a canal boat + team? Wasn't Gould a messenger boy, and General Miles a + private? It's a 'cinch,' a 'kismet.' Fate has posted a great + big placard over the door to Fame and it says, 'None But + Impecunious Young Countrymen Need Apply.'</p> + + <p>"That is why I always thought reincarnation was a good + scheme. The Theosophists say that every soul must pass through + a certain number of experiences, before it can attain + perfection. Now, here's a chance for some unfortunate scion of + wealth or nobility, who has lived a useless and uneventful + life, and wants to do something for his country.</p> + + <p>"He can go to some secluded hamlet, inquire as to the + probable date of the next birth in the neighborhood, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" + id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> and, when things are in + shape, he can blow out the gas some night and wake up the + next morning as a new-born babe, with all the elements of + greatness strong upon him.</p> + + <p>"When this fact becomes generally known, people will donate + their funds to charitable institutions and move to the country + to raise future presidents, senators and merchant princes; + there will be an epidemic of suicide among the idle rich, and + the birth-rate of our rural districts will increase a + hundredfold; the population of cities will be sadly decimated; + waste lands will be cleared and cultivated, as if by magic, + and, a generation hence, there will come forth from the + agricultural regions a host of young toilers with Destiny's + diploma for future greatness in their pockets."</p> + + <p>The Observer was so wrapped up in his prophecy that he + missed his shot by fully half an inch and put the wrong end of + his cigar in his mouth. After + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" + id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> carefully wiping the ashes + out of his teeth and kicking the proprietor's cat, he + resumed:</p> + + <p>"I rather got off the subject, and don't want you to put me + down as endorsing reincarnation, either, but when I hear a lot + of folks talking about what a great man So-and-So was; how he + had to get up before daylight to chop wood and feed the stock, + in order to get to school on time, I say to myself, 'What + Tommyrot! As if Providence didn't have it all fixed for + him.'"</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" + id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/30.png" + alt="Horse Sense." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"In some ways the average man hasn't the sense of the + average horse," said the Observer, taking a shot at the + cuspidor and looking thoroughly disgusted. "Horse sense is a + brand of intelligence immeasurably above that displayed by + human beings under certain conditions. No, I'm not suffering + from dyspepsia or gout—I've simply been watching people + as they try to pass each other in halls and doorways, and on + the street. It's enough to make a man ashamed that he was born + a 'Lord of creation.'</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" + id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <p>"The average horse doesn't need to be guided when he sees + another horse coming the other way. He swerves to the right, as + naturally as a bull-dog chases a tramp. What does the average + man do when he suddenly meets another coming hurriedly in an + opposite direction? He places himself squarely in front of him + and then begins a series of side-steps, first to one side and + then the other, in exact accordance with those of the man he is + trying to pass, like the mirror pantomime in Hanlon's Fantasma. + Finally, both come to a standstill, facing each other, and one + tries to execute a quick flank movement to the left. Just at + this moment the other suddenly remembers that he would have + avoided all this tomfoolery if he had only kept to the right, + and tries to make good on this hypothesis. The result is that + they bump into each other violently and begin side-stepping + again. After another round or two of Terpsichorean gymnastics + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> one of them breaks through + the other's guard and escapes and each continues on his + belated way, thinking what an infernal idiot the other + is.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/32.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/32.png" + alt="Oof!" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"I have known men who gained international renown for their + strategy and 'sang froid' on the battlefield; men whose + calmness and deliberation have averted many a financial crisis + and men whose marvelous executive capacity and keen insight + into human affairs have won them great fortunes. I have seen + these same men trying to pass other pedestrians in a narrow + hallway and act in a way which would make a lunatic ashamed of + himself.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" + id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <p>"A drummer, who travels for a large Eastern jobbing concern, + was once entering the establishment of a firm which always + bought heavily from his house. One of the proprietors was just + going out. They came together in the doorway, and, before they + could pass each other, a rival salesman slipped by and sold the + other partner a large bill of goods.</p> + + <p>"Congress ought to pass an appropriation for the purpose of + teaching people how to pass each other. If the surplus energy + and brainwork consumed in this task under present methods were + applied to some more useful purpose, a great reform movement + would have been + inaugurated."</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" + id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <h2>The Mannish Woman.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/34.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/34.png" + alt="I" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"I don't want to achieve a reputation as a 'knocker,'" said + the Observer, knitting his brow thoughtfully, "but, I + nevertheless, aver and maintain that the national evil of this + great land is the mannish woman.</p> + + <p>"No, I don't mean the woman who can earn a living in some + professional pursuit that has hitherto been monopolized by men. + Why, with our male milliners, dressmakers, cooks, and what not, + she has been driven to it by man himself. Even the servant girl + has become a thing of the past, and the 'help' of the present + day wears trousers,—not metaphorically, as his female + predecessor was wont to do—but literally. However, I'm + not going to <span class="pagenum"><a name="page32" + id="page32"></a>[pg 32]</span> discuss the servant-girl + question. That is an old story and a painful + one—almost as painful as the mannish woman.</p> + + <p>"This fearful and wonderful product of American + progressiveness—this worst type of monomaniac + (man-o-maniac, one might more appropriately term her) is + driving men to drink. The mother-in-law is a thing of beauty + and a joy forever, compared to the mannish woman; the female + book-agent takes on new lustre and even the poetess is a + desirable companion beside her. The mannish woman wears a coat + and vest and—no, she doesn't wear trousers, because she + doesn't dare, but a vertical strip of braid down the middle of + her skirt suggests the effect. From a distance you couldn't + distinguish between her and a man to save your life, for her + hat, shirt-bosom, collar and tie are the real thing. She has + pockets in her skirt, one on each side, and, sometimes at the + club, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" + id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> she puts her hands in them + and, with arms akimbo, admires herself in the glass. At the + club also she does other things to show how independent she + is. She slaps her friend on the back with a 'Hello, Gertie. + How's tricks?' and orders a glass of soda-lemonade with a + cherry in it. She wouldn't take a man's arm for the world, + which is perhaps fortunate, for she seldom gets a chance. + But she likes to talk to a man about the races and exhibit + her knowledge of baseball slang.</p> + + <p>"A friend of mine has an elderly sister who is a mannish + woman. Contrary to the popular belief, she never borrows his + neckties or collars, but perhaps this may be accounted for by + the fact that Fred is rather stout in the neck and seldom wears + a tie. She got him to tie a four-in-hand for her one day. Fred + used to be a sea-captain in his early days and, although he + could make all kinds of splices with a rope, he had never + tackled a four-in-hand. <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" + id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> He was game, however, and, + after a hard tussle, accomplished what is known in nautical + parlance as a 'clove hitch.' Fred's sister wore it night and + day for a week and then cut it off with a pair of + scissors.</p> + + <p>"Fred had another experience some time after this which + nearly proved serious. His sister was on the reception + committee for a club function one evening and asked her + brother's advice in regard to mixing punch. Fred is an obliging + fellow, so he got his friend, who is a barkeeper, to mix up a + couple of gallons and send it over to the clubhouse with his + compliments. The barkeeper thought it was for Fred's club so he + made it good and stiff. It was an innocuous looking mixture and + tasted innocent enough, so the club women said it was 'bully' + and partook freely.</p> + + <p>"About twelve o'clock that night, somebody telephoned for + Fred to come quick. Just exactly + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" + id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> what happened, Fred never + would tell, but it cost him about $40 for cab fares and an + equal amount to keep it out of the papers. Now, whenever one + of the club women sees him, she crosses the street.</p> + + <p>"I don't believe there is any province in Heaven for the + mannish woman. If there is, I know lots of men who would enter + upon a life of crime rather than take a chance of going there + when they die. I think there is a special place in Hades, where + the mannish woman will be made to wear a mother-hubbard and let + down her back hair. If there isn't, Mephistopheles don't + understand his business a little + bit."</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" + id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> + + <h2>A Wonderful Machine.</h2> + + <p>"I see by one of the papers that a Chinaman has invented a + typewriter which writes in the Celestial language," said the + Observer, handing the bootblack a nickel and shaking hands with + the crowd. "This bright Oriental, who is known as Tap-Key, has + undertaken a very large contract, for the Chinese language, as + most people know, is composed entirely of word symbols, each of + which represents a word; some combining to form other words, as + for instance, a square represents a field, and a combination of + 'man' and 'field' signifies a farmer; while 'a man in a box' + most graphically describes a prisoner, and 'two women' typify + 'gossip,' which is emphasized by adding another of the fair + sex, so that a half-dozen women in a row would probably mean + the direst kind of + mischief.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" + id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40.png" + alt="Chinese typewriter" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"Well, to embrace any kind of a vocabulary, this machine + would need to have about 5,000 characters, and would require + quite a force of men to operate it, but the advantages which + would accrue from its use are almost inestimable. The Spaniards + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" + id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> have found in the typewriter + a most effective instrument of war, and through its use many + of Weyler's most important battles were won. Reports from + South Africa seem to indicate that it has played no + unimportant role in England's subjugation of the Boers, and + General Elwell S. Otis has even been accused of employing it + with terrible effect against the forces of Aguinaldo. With + such an awful weapon as Tap-Key has invented the Chinese + government might defy the allied powers with impunity and + even regain the territory captured by Japan. The young + Emperor could doubtless put to flight the august but doughty + dowager, as well as his beloved relative, Prince Tuan, and + rule his flowery kingdom in peace and harmony, while Li Hung + Chang would lose his head, metaphorically, if not literally, + in favor of Tap-Key, future lord of the war + department."</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" + id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> + + <h2>Drawbacks of the King Business.</h2> + + <p>"No," said the Observer, thoughtfully, "I never cherished + dreams of inordinate wealth or power; there's nothing in it. If + a man is satisfied to reach a moderate altitude he may enjoy it + unmolested, but if he succeeds in scaling some remarkable + height, there immediately arises an army of envious cranks + ready to take his life or make it so miserable for him that he + will be glad to sell out at half price and gratefully descend + into the obscurity from which he rose.</p> + + <p>"Nor, is it only the self-made man to whom these remarks + apply. Take, for example, the Czar of Russia, the Emperor of + Germany, or any other potentate, Christian or heathen, + civilized or savage, great or small. He has more trouble to the + square <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" + id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span> inch than a weather prophet. + Nicholas III is probably the worst off of them all. He gets + up early in the morning and shaves himself with a safety + razor, while the court chemist is analyzing his breakfast + for traces of arsenic or prussic acid; then he dons his + bullet-proof coat, descends a private stairway to a + bomb-proof drawing-room and receives his meals on a + dumb-waiter from the laboratory with the chemist's + certificate that all injurious substances have been + removed.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/43.png" + alt="Nicholas III, shaving." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"This is the latest method, an official taster having been + formerly employed, but owing to the exorbitant rate of + insurance on such officers and + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" + id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> the rapid decimation of the + royal retinue, that plan was recently abandoned. After + finishing his repast the Czar receives the morning papers, + previously disinfected, and after reading the news, + sentences a few nihilists to death by means of a + long-distance telephone.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/44.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/44.png" + alt="The court chemist analyzes the Czar's breakfast." /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>"In Germany the situation is almost as bad. The Kaiser + spends the entire morning endeavoring to suppress an incipient + revolution, and after convicting several editors for 'les + majeste,' drives around the streets of Berlin, wearing a + baseball mask and making speeches to his soldiers, upon whom he + urges the necessity of constant + watchfulness.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" + id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + + <p>"The young potentate of the Celestial empire is not far + behind. He keeps one eye on the dowager and the other on Li + Hung Chang, while he sends out harikari mandates to troublesome + officials, and stands off the Russian ambassador. Last, but not + least, is the Sultan of Turkey, who has a large family to + provide for and who keeps a man busy issuing promissory notes + to Uncle Sam so that his wives may be properly supplied with + filigree hair pins and divided skirts. They say he recently + bought the entire stock of an insolvent dry goods store for his + harem, and it only went half way around.</p> + + <p>"The king business is not what it is cracked up to be. I + know lots of fellows who would make first-rate kings, and I + don't know but what I would make quite a hit in that line + myself. But I wouldn't take the job if I could get it. I'd + sooner be chief of police or a corporation lawyer. There's more + money in it and not half the + danger."</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" + id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/46.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/46.png" + alt="The Eating Habit." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"My friend," said the Observer to his vis-à-vis, who was + studying the bill-of-fare on the other side of the table, "did + you ever stop to consider in what an advanced age we are + living? Have you ever studied the laws of the universe and + sought to figure them out?"</p> + + <p>"'Never had time,' you say; 'keeps a man busy providing cash + to feed his family.' Well, that's just the point. Have you + never realized that half of our time is spent in preparing, + eating and digesting food, while the other half is employed in + making money enough to buy it? Now, students of psychology say + that, in time, the human body will become so refined that it + will be able to absorb <span class="pagenum"><a name="page44" + id="page44"></a>[pg 44]</span> all necessary nourishment + from 'universal life,' and need not gorge itself with animal + or vegetable organisms.</p> + + <p>"What vast changes such a condition will inaugurate. The + Frenchman will no longer clog his digestive apparatus with + 'pate de foi gras;' the rodent will pursue the even tenor of + his way in the land of the heathen Chinee, without danger of + being converted into a stew; the aged mutton of Merrie England + will gambol on the green, with chops intact; the Teuton will + forsake his sauerkraut; the benighted heathen his missionary + pot-pourri, and the ghosts of slaughtered canines shall cease + to haunt the sausage-maker of our own beloved country.</p> + + <p>"It means the elimination of the dyspeptic and the 'autocrat + of the breakfast table,' who frowns coldly upon the efforts of + his young wife in the culinary line and carries off her + biscuits to serve as <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" + id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> paper weights. The scoffer at + occidental table manners will cease to cavil at the genial + westerner who eats vegetables with a knife, pie with a + spoon, and drinks his coffee from the saucer, a napkin + tucked in graceful folds beneath his ample chin.</p> + + <p>"The picturesque phraseology of the Bowery-waiter will fade + from view when he ceases to hustle 'stacks of whites,' + 'plainers,' and 'straight-ups' to waiting customers, or bawl a + hoarse-voiced 'draw one,' to the white-capped cook.</p> + + <p>"The grafter will lack his usual excuse for making a + 'touch;' the after-dinner speech will no more pave the + politician's ways to fame, and the portrait of the baby that + thrived on Malter's Malted Milk, which now embellishes the + pages of newspaper and magazine, will become naught but a + lingering memory of the + past."</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" + id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> + + <h2>Delights of Flashlight Photography.</h2> + + <p>"See those hands?" said the Observer, holding up two + "bunches of fives," whose digits were stained near the ends + with some dark brown substance, "that's pyrogallic + acid—and that burn near my thumb was made by Blitz + Pulver. It wouldn't take a Sherlock Holmes to discover that I + had the camera craze, would it?</p> + + <p>"The other day I went into a photographic supply house to + look at some of their cameras and the clerk sold me one of the + kind that 'a child can operate.' He didn't say where the child + was to be found, but I have since concluded that it must be a + very remarkable specimen of the infant prodigy, and is probably + touring the country as a dime museum attraction on the strength + of its wonderful + abilities.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" + id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/50.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/50.png" + alt="Poor B. is kicked by a calf." /></a> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" + id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + + <p>"I took the camera home with me and carefully assimilated + the printed instructions which accompanied it, fixed up a dark + room in the woodshed and then sauntered proudly back with my + machine under my arm to photograph the baby.</p> + + <p>"Now, I've always prided myself on the genial good nature of + my infant. He hardly ever cries or kicks the covers off, or + becomes afflicted with colic about 3 A.M. The butcher says he + takes after me, though my wife won't acknowledge this, + notwithstanding the fact that the butcher has six of his own + and ought to know. Well, the moment I came in, that kid, + instead of rolling his eyes and saying, 'a-goo-goo,' which + means 'papa,' as everyone knows, set up a regular Comanche howl + and threw his rattle at me. When I took him in my arms and + tried to quiet him, he clawed at my eyes, kicked a pocketful of + cigars to pieces and bellowed so vociferously that I gave him + back to his ma.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" + id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <p>"After a while he began to listen to reason and I set up my + outfit near the window in order to have a good light. I tore + down a blind and ripped a lace curtain clear across in my + effort to get two exposures, and, Good Lord! you ought to see + those prints.</p> + + <p>"In the first snap I must have moved the camera, for I got + only one side of the baby, but that side had three different + arms and you could see the back of the chair through all of + them. The second was normal, as to limbs, etc., and plumb in + the center, but it was all fuzzy, like an impressionist + picture.</p> + + <p>"I took them to the photo' store and asked the clerk what + was wrong. He said:</p> + + <p>"'Why, you've timed 'em too long. He's moved all over the + plate. You want to use a big stop and make it quick!'</p> + + <p>"'But what do you make it of and what is it for?' I asked + perplexedly.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" + id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <p>"He laughed and explained that I should make the hole in my + lens larger and take a more rapid exposure; then he sold me a + bottle of flashlight powder.</p> + + <p>"That night I thought I would take a group at the dinner + table, so we all assembled around the board. After knocking + down a couple of pictures and upsetting the cuspidor, I got + things all ready to light the fuse, expecting to get back to my + chair and be in the picture before the stuff went off. The + moment I lit it, however, the durned thing blazed up like a + small volcano and I ran around the room for a minute or so with + my thumb in my mouth. Then I discovered that the slide had not + been withdrawn from the plate-holder. Well, the room was full + of smoke and the baby was so badly frightened that we had to + put him to bed before I could make another attempt. When my + wife came back I set the cat up in the high-chair to fill out + the gap <span class="pagenum"><a name="page52" + id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span> and tried it again. This + time, by using a long fuse and making a third-base slide, I + got almost to my chair and the prospects looked promising. + The result was an excellent view of the back of my head, + occupying three-fourths of the plate, through which could be + dimly discerned a silhouette of my wife and a black streak + in mid-air which represented the cat jumping over the + coffeepot.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/55.png" + alt="Poor B. hanging by his pantaloons on a fence-post." /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>"I know a fellow, though, who had a worse experience than + mine. He took home a kodak and a 'creme de menthe' jag one + night, and, as all his folks had retired and he was too + impatient to wait until morning, he went out to the stable to + flashlight <span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" + id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> the calf. The calf was too + sleepy to object till the stuff exploded. Then he became + imbued with such sudden and tremendous vitality that he + kicked poor B. and his outfit into the middle of next week. + The hired man heard the racket and found him hanging by his + pantaloons on a fence-post. Part of the tripod was about his + neck; his hair was full of ground glass and he was murmuring + something about a trolley-car. They put him to bed and the + first thing he said after he came to, was, 'Did they arrest + the motorman?'</p> + + <p>"I hear fellows talking about golf and driving four-in-hand, + but, if anyone wants to experience a real hot time, let him get + one of these easy-working cameras and practice on the + family."</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" + id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> + + <h2>Wonders of Spiritualism.</h2> + + <p>"Spiritualism is a wonderful thing," said the Observer in a + retrospective tone. "As a source of valuable information, it + beats the Encyclopedia Brittanica in an easy hand gallop; the + tonsorial artist is not in its class and even the 'Intelligence + Office,' pales into innocuous desuetude beside it.</p> + + <p>"Had it not been for a recent visit to a medium, I should + never have learned many important truths which affect me very + closely. In the first place I should not have known that I have + a little brother and sister in 'spirit life.' I had always + considered myself an only child and all of my relatives and + friends cherished the same illusion. You may imagine my + astonishment, then, at receiving messages from Brother Charley + and Sister Ida, both of whom the medium described + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" + id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> with marvelous attention to + detail. They told me not to worry—that it would all + come right, and that they were always with me, which is + comforting and shows how affectionate children can + be—even in spirit life.</p> + + <p>"The next revelation which came from the 'other side' was + the statement that a dark cloud which was then hovering over + me, would soon pass away. This was interesting as well as + instructive and, as I was idly speculating as to the exact + location of the cloud, I was suddenly startled to learn that + two beautiful young women—one fair and wealthy, the other + dark and poor, but accomplished—had won my heart and that + I was hesitating as to which one I loved the more.</p> + + <p>"This was somewhat distressing and wholly unpremeditated on + my part. I caught myself hoping, with a vague sense of guilt, + that my wife wouldn't hear of it, for I knew it would worry her + and bring <span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" + id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> about complications between + us. Perhaps this was the dark cloud, I ruminated, and felt + cheered by the assurance that it would soon pass away. The + spirit that told me these things was evidently in a + communicative mood and had, no doubt, looked up my case very + carefully.</p> + + <p>"'You are very sensitive,' she told me—I use the word + 'she' advisedly, for no masculine spirit could possibly have + ferreted out all these facts. 'You touch many natures closely + and benefit by this faculty.' I had just borrowed a little + money from a friend and wondered if anything personal was + intended by the word 'touch.' But I cast this thought aside as + unworthy—no spirit would resort to slang.</p> + + <p>"'Do you often hear voices, indistinctly?' continued the + spirit, 'strange voices which seem to call you and then sink + away?' I thought of the telephone and wondered how she could + have known.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" + id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + + <p>"'Yes,' I said, I hear them every day.'</p> + + <p>"'Ah!' said the spirit, 'you are mediumistic.'</p> + + <p>"I started. 'Is it painful?' I asked, 'or likely to become + chronic?'</p> + + <p>"The medium sat bolt upright in her chair and rubbed her + eyes violently. 'Your levity has destroyed the conditions,' she + said. 'Two dollars, please.'</p> + + <p>"I paid the money, and, in going out, I met a man looking at + his watch in an irritated way.</p> + + <p>"'I engaged a sitting for 3 o'clock by telephone,' he said. + 'Why have I been kept waiting half an hour?'</p> + + <p>"The medium's jaw dropped with peculiar suddenness and she + sat down heavily in a chair. A sudden revelation came to + me.</p> + + <p>"'Sir,' I said, addressing the stranger, 'pardon the + inquiry, but have you a Sister Ida and a Brother Charley in + spirit life? Do you love two + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" + id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> women—one fair and + wealthy, the other poor and dark, but talented? Does a dark + cloud hover over your life and do you hear voices calling + you from afar? Are you sensitive and have you developed the + sense of tou—?'</p> + + <p>"'Enough!' cried the man, hoarsely. 'I am + convinced—here is your money,' and he handed me a + five-dollar bill.</p> + + <p>"'Thanks,' said I, and left them there + together."</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" + id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/62-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/62-1.png" + alt="The Potency of the Testimonial." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/62-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/62-2.png" + alt="Did" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"Did you ever read the testimonial letters of noted + persons?" said the Observer, thoughtfully, stirring his coffee. + "There are many things which come with fame besides public + adulation; they are material things and have a certain + commercial as well as sentimental value, such as soap and + corsets, patent medicines, face powder, vapor baths, books, + cigars, corned beef, fountain pens, and patented trouser + hangers. As soon as a man gets his name in print a few times he + is deluged with samples by every manufacturer in the country. I + know an actor who hasn't bought a cake of toilet soap since + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> he began to play leading + parts. All he's got to do is to write a testimonial for some + new brand, saying he would use no other, and he gets a case; + then, there is a leading lady who once endorsed a certain + kind of shoe, and now she's got a dozen pairs in her trunk, + which didn't cost her a cent.</p> + + <p>"Among the personal effects of the late Senator + D—— were six dozen porous plasters and nearly a + gross of Casey's Liver Regulator. Whether the senator's demise + was due to his strenuous efforts to deplete this generous + supply has never been made known, but I very much doubt if the + doctor, who attributed his death to heart failure was familiar + with these facts at the time.</p> + + <p>"Another famous statesman, who was as bald as he was + absent-minded, once mailed a testimonial to the manufacturer of + Blank's Hair Restorer, enclosing a photograph of himself. In + their next advertisement they made two cuts from the picture, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> painting a profusion of wavy + hair upon one, and ran them over a reproduction of his + letter, labeled, 'Before and after using.' When the old + gentleman saw it he was so pleased with his appearance in + the latter cut that he straightforth bought a wig and ever + afterwards kept up the delusion.</p> + + <p>"Then there's the man who is cured by X-Y-Z Cough Cure, or + Blither's Sarsaparilla. He may not be known to half a hundred + people before he tries this wonderful stimulant; but after he + takes half a dozen bottles and is 'snatched from the jaws of + death,' his name and features become familiar to several + millions of people. I know a carpenter in a northern county who + resorted to this method and was so well advertised that, when + the national representative for that district died, + B—— was nominated for Congress and elected by a big + majority.</p> + + <p>"There is a saying that 'some men are born + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> great; some achieve greatness + and some have greatness thrust upon them.' I don't know who + made this statement, or why it was made, but it's dollars to + doughnuts that the fellow who did was saved from an untimely + grave by the curative powers of Bunker Hill Stomach Bitters + and rose from obscurity to high position as a + result."</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="Reading Dante's Inferno." /></a>"They usually + read * * * Dante's Inferno and think how sweet it is + to suffer." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" + id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> + + <h2>Ambitions and Things.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/68.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/68.png" + alt="A" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"Ambition is a good thing," said the Observer, deftly + flicking the ash from his cigar. "It provides one with a + certain amount of incentive which may prove useful in + developing latent resources, but it ought to be carried about + in a glass case and labeled, 'Handle with care.'</p> + + <p>"Cæsar had an ambition, but he overworked it with disastrous + effect. Napoleon got good results from his for a while, but it + finally gave out on him, and William Jennings Bryan, the latest + prominent victim of ambition is in such a bad way that he has + to ride on tourist cars, like 'common people.' This may be due + to a beautiful spirit of consistency + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" + id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> on his part, as editor of the + 'Commoner,' but it is not in line with his ambition. All of + which goes to show that ambition is no more subject to a + guarantee than a patent-leather shoe—it looks very + fine when you first get it, but it cracks.</p> + + <p>"Then there is the ideal, which is even more perishable, but + can fortunately be replaced when it breaks—for it does + not wear out. Like a Prince Rupert drop, it is just as good as + new until something steps on its tail, and then there is + nothing left but a noise and a disturbed atmospheric + condition.</p> + + <p>"After a fellow's ideal, explodes he generally idles away + his time pitying himself and saying sarcastic things about the + entire human race, until he achieves a local reputation as a + cynic. When in this state of mind there is no use in telling + him that he is not the only original possessor of a bona fide + broken ideal. He'll show you a little superficial + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> scratch and say in husky + tones, 'see this great wound it has made in my constitution, + it will never heal. Happiness is an iridescent dream. Go and + leave me to my fate! 'Then he'll heave a sigh which he + thinks comes from a broken heart, but which really emanates + from a dyspeptic condition, caused by lack of exercise. + After a while he finds that this brand of romance is an + overcrowded field and that he doesn't get sufficient + sympathy to make it pay. When he realizes that he is up + against the competitive system good and hard, he bids a fond + farewell to sentiment and goes to work.</p> + + <p>"It is interesting to watch young women, just after they + lose an ideal. They generally have more time to indulge the + 'broken heart' idea and do it so much more scientifically than + men. It is very effective to lounge about in a darkened room, + wearing a pale, hopeless expression and + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page68" + id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span> picturesque négligée. They + usually read Faust and Dante's Inferno and think how sweet + it is to suffer.</p> + + <p>"When friends come to cheer them up they sigh softly and + say, 'Ah, no; it is too late. Once I had aims and aspirations, + but Fate has swept them all away. I shall only drift and drift + now, until it is all over.'</p> + + <p>"Then, the comforters go away with tears in their eyes and + send her flowers.</p> + + <p>"'How the poor child has suffered,' they say. But Providence + only has a quiet laugh up her sleeve and says, as she winks the + other eye,</p> + + <p>"'What fools these mortals + be!'"</p> + + <hr /> + + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/72.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72.png" + alt="The Telephone Face." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"What's the matter with that man?" said the Observer, + repeating his friend's interrogation, as they passed a + pedestrian wearing a most prodigious frown. "Don't you know + what's the matter with him? He's got the telephone face.</p> + + <p>"Never heard of it, eh? Well, that shows that your powers of + perception are not particularly acute. The telephone face is no + longer a physiognomical freak, but a prevalent expression among + the several thousand unfortunate clerks and business men who + find extensive use for the telephone necessary. It is a + distinctive cast of features, too, which can readily be + distinguished from any other by one who can read faces at + all.</p> + + <p>"The dyspeptic has a 'face.' His expression is fitful and + disgruntled, but underlying it is a gleam + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" + id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> of hope; the insolvent man, + harassed by creditors, has another well-defined type of + facial mold. It is haunted and worried, with a tinge of + defiance in it; the owner of the 'bicycle face' has his + features set in lines of deadly resolution; the 'golf face' + displays fanatical enthusiasm and a puzzled look resulting + from a struggle with the vocabulary of the game; the 'poker + face' shows immobility and superstition; the 'telegraph + face,' according to a well-known New York professor, is + 'vacant, stoic and unconcerned,' but the 'telephone face' + stands out among all of these in a class peculiar to itself. + There are traces of a battle and defeat marked on it; the + stamp of hope deferred and resignation, yet without that + placidity which usually betokens the acceptance of an + inevitable destiny. The brows are drawn together above the + nose, and at times a murderous glint shows in the + half-closed eyes of the + possessor.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <p>"The peculiar feature about the man with the 'telephone + face' is, that he always believes the day will come when he + will be able to get the right number and the right man without + being told that the 'line's busy,' 'party does not reply,' or + 'phone is out of order.' He is like the man who always backs + the wrong horse, the poet with an 'Ode to Spring,' or the + honest man seeking a political job, continually defeated, but + ever dreaming of ultimate success.</p> + + <p>"I know of only one instance in which the dream was + realized. A new girl had been installed in a telephone office + without proper instructions—a most unprecedented case. A + bookkeeper, grown gray in the service of a large mercantile + house, picked up his receiver wearily. It rang the new girl's + bell, and like a flash, she said, 'Hello.' The bookkeeper + gasped. 'Is that you, Central?' he asked huskily. 'Yes,' + replied the unsophisticated maiden, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> pleasantly. 'What number, + please?' The old man sat bolt upright and clutched the desk. + 'Give me purple six double-nine,' he said, in quavering + tones, and his weak form trembled as he spoke. Nimbly worked + the fingers of the uninitiated telephone girl, as she struck + a peg in the switchboard and quickly rang a bell. A voice at + the other end responded promptly, and the bookkeeper wiped + cold beads of perspiration from his brow before he answered. + 'Is this Jones & Company?' he almost shrieked. 'Yes,' + came the reply, full and clear, 'this is Jones talking.'</p> + + <p>"A dull thud followed, and, when the other clerks rushed in, + they found the old man lying still and cold, his right hand + still grasping the receiver of the telephone, which had fallen + to the floor beside him, and a smile of the most transcendent + happiness they had ever seen, upon his faded lips."</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12832 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12832-h/images/1.png b/12832-h/images/1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..43be8bb --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/1.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/10.png b/12832-h/images/10.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d515a89 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/10.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/15.png b/12832-h/images/15.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a4949c --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/15.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/16-1.png b/12832-h/images/16-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d2c0036 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/16-1.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/16-2.png b/12832-h/images/16-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b96db73 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/16-2.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/25.png b/12832-h/images/25.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f8f5bf --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/25.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/26-1.png b/12832-h/images/26-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..23f2cd3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/26-1.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/26-2.png b/12832-h/images/26-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ed2a33 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/26-2.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/30.png b/12832-h/images/30.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0f8fffb --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/30.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/32.png b/12832-h/images/32.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c559738 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/32.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/34.png b/12832-h/images/34.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bcf3f34 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/34.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/40.png b/12832-h/images/40.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2cc6e44 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/40.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/43.png b/12832-h/images/43.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6b77cf2 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/43.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/44.png b/12832-h/images/44.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e52895b --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/44.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/46.png b/12832-h/images/46.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..99ad517 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/46.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/50.png b/12832-h/images/50.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..447999b --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/50.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/55.png b/12832-h/images/55.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6978cae --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/55.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/62-1.png b/12832-h/images/62-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f21a899 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/62-1.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/62-2.png b/12832-h/images/62-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..899a8f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/62-2.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/67.png b/12832-h/images/67.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..37467a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/67.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/68.png b/12832-h/images/68.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4e0e240 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/68.png diff --git a/12832-h/images/72.png b/12832-h/images/72.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..309ba25 --- /dev/null +++ b/12832-h/images/72.png |
