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diff --git a/12825-0.txt b/12825-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..731a240 --- /dev/null +++ b/12825-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1400 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12825 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOLUME 99. + + + +August 9, 1890. + + + + +FIRST AID TO TOMMY ATKINS. + +Sir,--I visited the Military Exhibition the other day according to +your instructions, my bosom glowing with patriotic ardour. If anything +besides your instructions and the general appropriateness of the +occasion had been necessary to make my bosom glow thus, it would have +been found in the fact that I formerly served my country in a Yeomanry +Regiment. I shall never forget the glorious occasions on which I wore +a cavalry uniform, and induced some of my best friends to believe +I had gone to the dogs and enlisted. However, to relate my Yeomanry +adventures, which included a charge by six of us upon a whole army, +would be to stray from my point, which is to describe what I saw at +the Military Exhibition. I was lame (oh, dear no, not the gout, a mere +strain) and took a friend, an amiable young man, with me to lean upon. + +[Illustration] + +"There's one place I really _do_ know," he had said to me, "and that's +this bally place." + +I therefore felt I was safe with him. We arrived. We entered. "Take +me," I said, "to the battle-pictures, so that I may study my country's +glories." + +"Right!" he answered, and with a promptitude that does him immense +credit, he brought me out into a huge arena in the open air with seats +all round it, a grand stand, and crowds of spectators. The performance +in the arena so deeply interested me that I forgot all about the +pictures. I saw at once what it was. Detachments of our citizen +soldiers were going through ambulance drill. The sight was one which +appealed to our common humanity. My daring, dangerous Yeomanry days +rose up again before me, and I felt that if ever I had had to bleed +for my QUEEN I should not have bled untended. Even my companion, +a scoffer, who had never risen above a full privacy in the Eton +Volunteers, was strangely moved. There were, I think, ten detachments, +each provided with a stretcher and a bag containing simple surgical +appliances. All that was wanted to complete the realism of the picture +was the boom of the cannon, the bursting of shells, and the rattle of +musketry. In imagination I supplied them, as I propose to do, for your +benefit, Sir, in the following short account. + +It was a sultry afternoon; the battle had been raging for hours; the +casualties had been terrible. "Dress up, there, dress up!" said the +Sergeant in command, addressing detachment No. 2, "and you, JENKINS, +tilt your forage-cap a leetle more over your right ear; BROWN, don't +blow your nose, the General's looking; God bless my soul, THOMPSON, +you've buckled that strap wrong, undo it and re-buckle it at once." +With such words as these he cheered his men, while to right and left +the death-dealing missiles sped, on their course. "Stand at ease; +'shon! Stand at ease! 'shon!" he next shouted. A Corporal at this +point was cut in two by a ball from, a forty-pounder, but nobody +paid any heed to him. Stiff, solid, and in perfect line, stood the +detachments waiting for the word to succour the afflicted. At last it +came. In the midst of breathless excitement the ten bent low, placed +their folded stretchers on the ground, unbuckled and unfolded them, +and then with a simultaneous spring rose up again and resumed their +impassive attitude. "Very good," said the Sergeant, "very good. +THOMPSON you were just a shade too quick; you must be more careful. +Stand at ease!" and at ease they all stood. + +But where were the wounded? Aha! here they come, noble, fearless +heroes, all in line, marching with a springy step to their doom. + +One by one they took their places, in line at intervals of about ten +yards, and lay down each on his appointed spot to die, or be wounded, +and to be bandaged and carried off. But now a terrible question arose. +_Would there be enough to go round?_ I had only counted nine of them, +which was one short of the necessary complement, but at this supreme +moment another grievously wounded warrior ran lightly up and lay down +opposite the tenth detachment. We breathed again. + +And now began some charming manoeuvres. Each detachment walked round +its stretcher twice, then stood at ease again, then at attention, then +dressed up and arranged itself, and brushed, itself down. All this +while their wounded comrades lay writhing, and appealing for help +in vain. It was with difficulty that, lame as I was, I could be +restrained from dashing to their aid. But at last everything was in +order. Stretchers were solemnly lifted. The detachments marched slowly +forward, and deposited their stretchers each beside a wounded man. +Then began a scene of busy bandaging. But not until the whole ten had +been bound up, legs, arms, heads, feet, fingers &c, was it permissible +to lift one of them from the cold cold ground which he had bedewed +with his blood. + +"Now then," said the Sergeant, "carefully and all together. Lift!" +and all together they were lifted and placed in their stretchers. More +play with straps and buckles, more rising and stooping, and then the +pale and gasping burdens were at last raised and carried in a mournful +procession round the ground. But when they arrived at the place +where the ambulance was supposed to be, they had all been dead, +three-quarters of an hour. "Dear me," said the Sergeant, "how vexing. +ROBINSON, your chin-strap's gone wrong. Now, all together. Drop 'em!" +And so the day ended, and the pitiless sun sated with, &c., &c., &c. + +I afterwards visited the Field Hospital to see a number of wax figures +in uniform, cheerfully arranged as wounded men in all the stages +of pain and misery. How encouraging for TOMMY ATKINS, I thought +to myself; but at this moment my supporter informed me that he had +remembered where to find the battle-pictures, and thither therefore +we proceeded, thankful in the knowledge that if either of us ever +happened to be struck down in battle he would be well looked after by +an admirably drilled body of men. + +I am, Sir, +Yours as usual, +LE PETIT SHOWS. + + * * * * * + +THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST AT A COUNTRY HOUSE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +Trusting that you take some interest in my fate, after the more or +less pleasant (?) week I spent at Henley, I hasten to let you know +that I am again visiting friends, though this time on _terra firma_, +and that the customary trials of the "Professional Guest" are once +more my portion. The very evening of my arrival, I discovered that a +man with whom I had not been on speaking terms for years was to be my +neighbour at dinner, and that a girl (who really I cannot understand +_any one_ asking to their house) with the strangest coloured hair, and +the most unnaturally dark eyes, was taken in by the host, and called +"darling" by the hostess. After dinner, which, by reason of the +"range" being out of order, was of a rather limited type, they all +played cards. That is a form of amusement I don't like--I can't afford +it; and this, coupled with the fact that I was not asked to sing, +somewhat damped my ardour as regards visiting strange houses. + +[Illustration] + +A hard bed, and a distant snore, kept me awake till break of day, +when, for a brief space, I successfully wooed Morpheus. I think I +slept for seven minutes. Then a loud bell rang, and several doors on +an upper floor were heavily banged. I heard the servants chattering as +they went down to breakfast. Then there was silence, and once more I +composed myself to rest, when the dreadest sound of all broke on my +ear. _The baby began to cry._ Then I gave it up as hopeless, but it +was with a sensation of being more dead than alive that I crawled down +to breakfast--late, of course. One is always late the first morning in +a strange house--one can never find one's things. I bore with my best +professional smile the hearty chaff of my host (how I hate a hearty +man the first thing in the morning) and the audible remarks of the +dear children who were seated at intervals round the table. But +my patience well-nigh gave way when I found that our hostess had +carefully mapped out for her guests a list of amusements (save the +mark!) which extended not only over that same day, but several ensuing +ones. + +I am not of a malice-bearing nature, but I do devoutly pray that she, +too, may one day taste the full horror of being tucked into a high +dog-cart alongside of a man who you know cannot drive; the tortures, +both mental and physical, of a long walk down dusty roads and over +clayey fields to see that old Elizabethan house "only a mile off;" +or the loathing induced by a pic-nic among mouldering and utterly +uninteresting ruins. All this I swallowed with the equanimity and +patience born of many seasons of country-house visiting; I even +interviewed the old family and old-fashioned cook, on the subject of +a few new dishes, and I helped to entertain some of those strange +aboriginal creatures called "the county." But the announcement one +afternoon, that we were to spend the next in driving ten miles to +attend a Primrose League _Fête_ in the private grounds of a local +magnate, proved too much for me. Shall you be surprised to hear that +on the following morning I received an urgent telegram recalling me +to town? My hostess was, or affected to be, overwhelmned that by my +sudden departure I should miss the _fête_. I knew, however, that +the "dyed" girl rejoiced, and in company with the objectionable man +metaphorically threw up her hat. + +As I passed through the Lodge-gates on my way to the station I almost +vowed that I would never pay another visit again. But even as I write, +an invitation was brought me. It is from my Aunt. She writes that she +has taken charming rooms at Flatsands, and hopes I will go and stay +with her there for a few days. She thinks the sea air will do me good. +Perhaps it will. I shall write at once and accept. + +THE ODD GIRL OUT. + +FROM OUR YOTTING YORICK, P.A. + +_Aboard the Yot "Placid," bound for Copenhagen (I hope)._ + +DEAR EDITOR, + +You told me when I set sail (I didn't set sail myself, you understand, +but the men did it for me, or rather for my friends, Mr and Mrs. +SKIPPER, to whose kindness I owe my present position--which is far +from a secure one,--but no matter), you said to me, YORICK Yotting +has no buffoonery left in him? I too, who was once the life of all +the Lifes and Souls of a party! Where is that party now? Where am _I_? +What is my life on board? Life!--say existence. I rise early; I can't +help it. I am tubbed on deck: deck'd out in my best towels. So I +commence the day by going to Bath. [That's humorous, isn't it? I hope +so. I mean it as such.] + +[Illustration] + +"Send me notes of your voyage to Sweden and Norway, and the land of +_Hamlet_. You'll see lots of funny things, and you'll take a humorous +view of what isn't funny; send me your humorous views." Well, Sir, I +sent you "_Mr. Punch looking at the Midnight Sun_." pretty humorous I +think ("more pretty than humorous," you cabled to me at Bergen), and +since that I have sent you several beautiful works of Art, in return +for which I received another telegram from you saying, "No 'go.' Send +something funny." The last I sent ("_The Church-going Bell_," a +pretty peasant woman in a boat--"_belle_," you see) struck me as very +humorous. The idea of people going to Church in a boat! + +What was I to do? Well--here at last I send you something which _must_ +be humorous. It looks like it. _Mr. Punch_ driving in Norway, in a +_cariole. Mr. Punch_ anywhere is humorous; and with TOBY too; though I +am perfectly aware that TOBY, M.P., is in his place in the House; +but then TOBY is ubarquitous. That's funny, isn't it?--see "bark" +substituted for "biq," the original word being "ubiquitous." This is +the sort of "_vürdtwistren_" at which they roar in Sweden. + +It's all _très bien_ (very well) but how the deuce can you be funny in +the Baltic? Why call it Baltic? For days and nights at sea, sometimes +up, more often down, and a sense of inability coming over me in the +middle of the boundless deep. Alas, poor YORICK! + +Then breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner. No drinking permitted between +meals: to which regulation. _I am gradually becoming habituated._ It +is difficult to acquire new habits. Precious difficult in mid-ocean, +where there isn't a tailor. [Humorous again, eh?] I now understand +what is the meaning of "a Depression is crossing the Atlantic." +There's an awful Depression hanging about the Baltic. + +[Illustration] + +I send you a sketch of Elsinore, as I thought it would be, and +Elsinore as it is. Elsinore is like the Pumping Works at Barking +Creek. And I've come all this way to see this!! Elsinore! I'd rather +go Elsewhere-inore,--say, Margate. + +Think I shall put this in a bottle, cork it up, and send it overboard, +and you'll get it by Tidal Post. Whether I do this or not depends on +circumstances over which I may possibly have no control. Anyhow, at +dinner-time, _I shall ask for the bottle._ When you ask for it, see +that you get it. + +Yours truly, +JETSAM + +_(or Yotting Artist in Black and White). 10 A.M. Swedish time 9.5 in +English miles. Longitude 4 ft. 8 in. in my berth. Latitude, any amount +of._ + + * * * * * + +AN EXCELLENT RULE.--We are informed that "extreme ugliness" and "male +hysteria" are admitted as "adequate disqualifications" for the French +Army. If the same rule only applied to the English House of Commons, +what a deal of noise and nonsense we should be spared! + +[Illustration: A METROPOLITAN METAMORPHOSIS. + +_The Awful Result of Persistent "Crawling."_] + + * * * * * + +THE DYING SWAN. + +_(Latest Version, a long way after the Laureate.)_ + + "THAMES 'SWAN UPPING.'--The QUEEN'S swanherd and the officials + of the Dyers' and Vintners' Companies arrived at Windsor + yesterday on their annual 'swan-upping' visit, for the purpose + of marking or 'nicking' the swans and cygnets belonging to HER + MAJESTY, and the Companies interested in the preservation of + the birds that haunt the stream between London and Henley. It + is said that the Thames swans are steadily decreasing owing + to the traffic on the upper reaches of the river, and other + causes detrimental to their breeding."--_The Times_. + + I. + + July was wet,--a thing not rare-- + With sodden ground and chilly air; + The sky presented everywhere + A low-pitched roof of doleful grey; + With a rain-flusht flood the river ran; + Adown it floated a dying Swan, + And loudly did lament. + It was the middle of the day, + The "Swanherd" and his men went on, + "Nicking" the cygnets as they went. + + II. + + The "Swanherd" showed a blue-peaked nose, + And white against the cold white sky + Shone many a face of those + Who o'er the upper reaches swept, + On swans and cygnets keeping an eye. + Dyers and Vintners, portly, mellow + Chasing the birds of the jetty bill + Through the reed clusters green and still; + And through the osier mazes crept + Many a cap-feathered crook-armed fellow. + + III. + + The lone Swan's _requiem_ smote the soul + With the reverse of joy. + It spake of sorrow, of outfalls queer, + Dyeing the floods once full and clear; + Of launches wildly galumphing by, + Washing the banks into hollow and hole; + Sometimes afar, and sometimes a-near. + All-marring 'ARRY'S exuberant voice, + With music strange and manifold, + Howling out choruses loud and bold + As when Bank-holidayites rejoice + With concertinas, and the many-holed + Shrill whistle of tin, till the riot is rolled + Through shy backwaters, where swan-nests are; + And greasy scraps of the _Echo_ or _Star_, + Waifs from the cads' oleaginous feeds, + Emitting odours reekingly rank, + Drift under the clumps of the water-weeds, + And broken bottles invade the reeds, + And the wavy swell of the many-barged tug + Breaks, and befouls the green Thames' bank. + And the steady decrease of the snow-plumed throng + That sail the upper Thames reaches among, + Was prophesied in that plaintive song. + + * * * * * + +DOING IT CHEAPLY. + +A re-action against the extravagance which marked the entertainments +of the London Season of 1890 having set in, the following rules and +regulations will be observed in the Metropolis until further notice. + +1. Persons invited to dinner parties will be expected to furnish their +own plate and linen, and some of the viands and wines to be used at +the feast. + +2. To carry out the above, a _menu_ of the proposed meal will form a +part of every card of invitation, which will run as follows:--"Mr. and +Mrs. ---- request the honour of Mr. and Mrs. ----'s company to dinner, +on ---- when they will kindly bring with them enough for twelve +persons of the dish marked ---- on the accompanying _Menu_, P.T.O." + +3. Persons invited to a Ball will treat the supper as a pic-nic, to +which all the guests are expected to contribute. + +4. On taking leave of a hostess every guest will slip into her hand a +packet containing a sum of money sufficient to defray his or her share +of the evening's expenses. + +5. Ladies making calls at or about five o'clock, will bring with +them tea, sugar, milk, pound-cake, cucumber sandwiches, and bread and +butter. + +6. As no bands will be furnished at evening parties, guests who can +play will be expected to bring their musical instruments with them. +N.B. This does not apply to pianofortes on the premises, for which a +small sum will be charged to those who use them. + +7. Should a _cotillon_ be danced, guests will provide their own +presents, which will become the perquisites of the host and hostess. + +8, _and lastly_. Should the above rules, compiled in the interest +of leaders of Society, be insufficient to keep party-givers from +appearing in the Court of Bankruptcy, guests who have partaken of any +hospitality will be expected to contribute a gratuity, to enable the +Official Receiver to declare a small and final dividend. + + * * * * * + +PERQUISITES.--"Nice thing to belong to National Liberal Club," +observed Mr. G., who didn't dine at that establishment for nothing, +"because, you see, they go in there for 'Perks.'" + + * * * * * + +"NOBLESSE OBLIGE!" + +_(Latest Reading.)_ + + _Noblesse oblige!_ And what's the obligation, + Read in the light of recent demonstration? + A member of "our old Nobility" + May be "obliged," at times, to play the spy, + Lay traps for fancied frailty, disenthrall + "Manhood" by "playing for" a woman's fall; + Redeem the wreckage of a "noble" name + By building hope on sin, and joy on shame; + Redress the work of passion's reckless boldness + By craven afterthoughts of cynic coldness; + Purge from low taint "the blood of all the HOWARDS" + By borrowings from the code of cads and cowards! + _Noblesse oblige?_ Better crass imbecility + Of callow youth--_with_ pluck--than such "nobility"! + + * * * * * + +HOME-ING.--Dr. BARNARDO'S delightfully simple plan of getting a little +boy to sign an affidavit to the effect that he was so happy at Dr. +BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, and that, wherever he might wander, there +was really no place on earth like Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, may remind +Dickensian students of a somewhat analogous method apparently adopted +by _Mr. Squeers_ when, on his welcome return to Dotheboys Hall, he +publicly announced that "he had seen the parents of some boys, and +they're so glad to hear how their sons are getting on, that there's +no prospect at all of their going away, which, of course, is a very +pleasant thing to reflect upon for all parties." The conduct of such +parents or relatives who send children or permit them to be sent to +Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, where, at all events, they are well +fed and cared for, bears some resemblance to that of _Graymarsh's_ +maternal aunt, who was "short of money, but sends a tract instead, and +hopes that _Graymarsh_ will put his trust in Providence," and also +to that of _Mobb's_ "mother-in-law," who was so disgusted with +her stepson's conduct (for DICKENS meant step-mother when he wrote +"mother-in-law"--an odd _lapsus calami_ never subsequently corrected) +that she "stopped his halfpenny a-week pocket-money, and had given a +double-bladed knife with a corkscrew in it to the Missionaries, which +she had bought on purpose for him." We don't blame Dr. BARNARDO--much; +but we do blame these weak-knee'd parents and guardians, who +apparently don't know their own minds. In the recent case which was +sarcastically treated by the Judge, Dr. B. found that he could buy +GOULD too dear. + +SOMETHING LIKE A REVOLUTION! + +_(From Our Own Correspondent on the Spot.)_ + +[Illustration: Our Correspondent at Breakfast.] + +_Samol Plazo_, 8 A.M.--My _plat_ of _egsibaconi_ has just been knocked +out of the hands of my servant, PATPOTATO, by a bullet. My man (who +is of Irish extraction) thinks that the long-expected revolution +must have commenced; "for," as he argues, "when everything is down, +something is sure to be up." I think so too. I am now going to +Government House. If I don't get this through, make complaint at the +Post Office, for it will be their fault not mine. + +9 A.M.--Am now at Head Quarters. Not much trouble getting here. Came +by a _bussi_, a local conveyance drawn by two horses, and much used by +the humbler classes. On our road one of the steeds and the roof of the +_bussi_ were carried away by a shell, but as I was inside this caused +me little annoyance, and I got comfortably to my destination with the +remainder. Just seen the President, who says laughingly, that "there +has been practically nothing but perfect peace and quiet." I doubt +whether this can be quite the case, as he was sitting in front of +Government House, which was at that very moment undergoing a vigorous +bombardment. When I pointed this out to him, he confessed that he had +noticed it himself, but did not think much of it. He was in excellent +spirits, and told me a funny story about the narrow escape of his +mother-in-law. I am now off to see how the other side are progressing. +If the Post Office people tell you they can't send my telegrams to +you, refuse to believe them. + +[Illustration: Narrow Escape of Our Correspondent.] + +10 A.M.--As I suspected, from the first, there _has_ been a +disturbance. I thought it must be so, as I could not otherwise +understand why my _cabbi_ should have been blown into the air, while +passing through a mined street on the road here. I am now at the +Head Quarters of the Oniononi, who seem to be in great strength. They +appear to be very pleased that the fleet should have joined them, and +account for the action by saying that the sailors, as bad shots, would +naturally blaze away at the biggest target--Government House. So far, +the disturbances have caused little inconvenience. I date this 10 +A.M., but I cannot tell you the exact time, as the clock-tower has +just been carried away by a new kind of land torpedo. + +12, NOON.--I am now once again at the Government Head Quarters. As I +could get no better conveyance, I inflated my canvas carpet-bag with +gas, and used it as a balloon. I found it most valuable in crossing +the battery which now masks the remains of what was once +Government House. The President, after having organised a band of +_pic-pockettini_ (desperadoes taken from the gaols), has gone into +the provinces, declaring that he has a toothache. By some, this +declaration is deemed a subterfuge, by others, a statement savouring +of levity. The artillery are now reducing the entire town to atoms, +under the personal supervision of the Minister of Finance, who +deprecates waste in ammunition, and declares that he is bound to the +President by the tie of the battle-field. + +[Illustration: Our Correspondent in an Elevated Position.] + +2 P.M.--Have rejoined the Oniononi, coming hither by ricochet on a +spent shell. The people are entirely with them, and cheer at every +fresh evidence of destruction. Found a well-known shopkeeper in +ecstasies over the ruins of his establishment. He said that, "Although +the revolution might be bad for trade, it would do good, as things +wanted waking up." A slaughter of police and railway officials, which +has just been carried out with infinite spirit, seems to be immensely +popular. If you don't get this, make immediate complaint. Don't +accept, as an excuse, that the wires have been cut, and the office +razed to the ground. They can get it through, if they like. + +4 P.M.--Just heard a report that I myself have been killed and buried. +As I can get no corroboration of this statement, I publish it under +reservation. I confine myself to saying that it may be true, although +I have my doubts upon the subject. + +6 P.M.--It seems (as I imagined) that the report of my death and +funeral is a canard. This shows how necessary it is to test the truth +of every item of information before hurrying off to the Telegraph +Office. Efforts are now being made to bring about a reconciliation +between the contending parties. + +8 P.M.--The revolution is over. When both sides had exhausted their +ammunition, peace naturally became a necessity. The contending parties +are now dining together, _al fresco_, as the town is in ruins. Nothing +more to add save, All's well that ends well! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +WORKMEN'S. + +_"Merry Christmas to you, Sir, and many on 'em!" i.e.,_ "Have you got +that half-crown handy?" + +IN THE SMOKING-ROOM. + +_"Quite so; but then, you see, that's not my point;" i.e.,_ "It _was_, +ten minutes ago." + +_"Yes, but allow me one moment;" i.e.,_ "Kindly give me your close +attention for twenty-five minutes." + +SOCIAL. + +_"Not your fault, indeed! Mine for having so long a train;" i.e.,_ +"Awkward toad!" + +_"Where did you get that lovely dress, dear?" i.e.,_ "That I may avoid +that dress-maker." + +THEATRICAL. + +_"Whose talents have been seen to better advantage:" i.e.,_ "A cruel +bad actor--but can't say so." + +_"When the nervousness of a first night has been got over;" i.e.,_ +"Never saw a worse play--but it may catch on." + +_"The Author's modesty prevented him from responding to loud calls;" +i.e.,_ "Timid youth, probably. Foresaw brickbats." + + * * * * * + +"BRAVO, TORO!"--M. CONSTANS will not allow Bull-fighting in Paris, +even for "the benefit of the Martinique sufferers." Quite right! But +if he would only discourage "Bull-fighting" in Egypt--the sort of +"Bull-fighting" desired by Chauvinist M. DELONCLE--he would do good +service to the land of the Pyramids, to the poor fellah, and to +civilisation. + + * * * * * + +NOTE FROM BRIGHTON.--The exterior of the recently-opened Hôtel +Métropole, is so effective, that the Architect, Mr. WATERHOUSE, R.A., +is likely to receive many commissions for the erection of similar +hostelries at our principal marine resorts. He will take out +letters patent for change of name, and be known henceforward as Mr. +SEA-WATERHOUSE, R.A. By the way, the Directors of the Gordon Hotels +Co. wish it to be generally known that they have not started a +juvenile hotel for half-price children, under the name of the Gordon +Boys' Hotel. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Who remembers a certain story called, if I remember aright, _The +Wheelbarrow of Bordeaux_, that appeared in a Christmas Number of the +_Illustrated London News_ some years ago? If no one else does, I do, +says the Baron; and that sensational story was a sensational sell, +wherein the agony was piled up to the "n'th," and just as the secret +was about to be disclosed, the only person who knew it, and was on +the point of revealing it, died. This is the sort of thing that Mr. +RUDYARD KIPLING has just done in this month's _Lippincott's Magazine_. +It is told in a plain, rough and ready, blunt style, but so blunt that +there's no point in it. And the idea,--that is if the idea be that the +likeness of the assassin remains on the retina of the victim's eye, +and can be reproduced by photography,--is not a novelty. Perhaps +this story in _Lippincott_ comes out of one of Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING'S +pigeon-holes, and was just chucked in haphazard, because Editorial +_Lippincott_ wanted something with the name of the KIPLING, "bright +and merry," to it. It's not very "bright," and it certainly isn't +"merry." + +_Black's Guide to Kent_ for 1890, useful in many respects, but not +quite up to date. The Baron cannot find any information about the +splendid Golf Grounds, nor the Golf Club at Sandwich; it speaks of +Sir MOSES MONTEFIORE'S place on the East Cliff of Ramsgate as if +that benevolent centenarian were still alive; and it retains an +old-fashioned description of Ramsgate as "The favorite resort of +superior London tradesmen"--"which," says the Baron, "is, to my +certain knowledge, very far from being the case." It talks of +the "humours of the sands," and alludes to what is merely the +cheap-trippers' season, as if this could possibly be the best time for +Ramsgate. The _Guide_ knows nothing, or at least says nothing, of +the Winter attractions; of the excellent pack of harriers; of the +delightful climate from mid-September to January; of the southern +aspect; of the pure air; of the many excursions to Ash, Deal, +Sandwich, Ickham, and so forth; nor can the Baron discover any mention +of the Granville Hotel, nor of the Albion Club, nor of the sport for +fishers and shooters; nor of the Riviera-like mornings in November and +in the early Spring, which are the real attractions of Ramsgate, and +make it one of the finest health-resorts in Winter for all "who +love life, and would see good days." "It reminds me," says the Baron, +puffing off his smoke indignantly, "of Mr. IRVING and a certain +youthful critic, who, in his presence at supper, had been running +down _Macbeth_, finding fault with the Lyceum production of it, +and ridiculing SHAKSPEARE for having written it. When he had quite +finished HENRY IRVING, 'laying low' in his chair at the table, +adjusted his pince-nez, and, looking straight at the clever young +gentleman, asked, in the mildest possible tone, 'My dear Sir, have you +ever _read Macbeth?_' So," resumes the Baron, "I am inclined to ask +Mr. BLACK'S young man, 'Do you _know_ Ramsgate?' And of course I mean +the Ramsgate of 1890." + +From the specimens of _London City_ that have been sent for inspection +by Messrs. FIELD & TUER, of the Leadenhall Press, who are bringing it +out, the Baron augurs a grand result, artistically and financially. It +is to be published at forty-two shillings, but subscribers will get +it for a guinea, so intending possessors had evidently better become +subscribers. The history of the Great City is to be told by Mr. W.J. +LOFTIE, so that it starts with an elevated tone and the loftiest +principles, and the illustrations will be by Mr. WM. LUKER, a talented +draughtsman who, as a Luker-on has seen most of the games in the City. +In consequence of some piratical publisher having attempted to bring +out a work under the same title, intended to deceive even the elect, +Messrs. FIELD & TUER have secured the copyright of the title _London +City_, by the ingenious device of publishing, for one farthing each, +five hundred copies of a miniature pamphlet bearing this title, and +containing the explanation. The value of these eccentric farthing +pamphlets may one day be thousands of pounds. _Mem_.--Twopence would +be well invested in purchasing four of them. + +_Salads and Sandwiches_ is an attractive title, specially at this +season. The arrangement of the book is, like the salad, a little +mixed. When, however, the knowing Baron finds that abomination known +as salad dressing, or "salad mixing," which is sold at the grocer's, +recommended by a writer who professes to teach salad-making, then he +closes the book, and reads no more that day. This author, who is in +his salad days, might bring out a book entitled _How to Suck Eggs; or, +Letters to my Grandmother_. It is a suggestion worth considering, says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + +[Illustration] + +TO PYRRHA ON THE THAMES. + + O Pyrrha! say what youth in "blazer" drest, + Woos you on pleasant Thames these summer eves; + For whom do you put on that dainty vest, + That sky-blue ribbon and those _gigot_ sleeves. + + "_Simplex munditiis_," as HORACE wrote, + And yet, poor lad, he'll find that he is rash; + To-morrow you'll adorn some other boat, + And smile as kindly on another "mash." + + As for myself--I'm old, and look askance + At flannels and flirtation; not for me + Youth's idiotic rapture at a glance + From maiden eyes: although it comes from thee. + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)_ + +I am a modest man, as well as an honest one. Censure cannot move me +by one hair's breadth from the narrow path of rectitude; praise cannot +unduly puff me up. Had I been other than I am, this last week would +have gone fatally near to ruining that timid and shrinking diffidence +which (I say it without egotism) marks me off from the poisonous, +pestilential, hydrocephalous, putty-faced, suet-brained reptiles who +disgrace the profession to which I belong. All I wish now to do is +to point out that _I am the only prophet_ who indicated, without any +beating about the bush, that _Marvel_ would win the Stewards' Cup +at Goodwood. My admirers have recognised the fact, and my private +residence has been choked by an avalanche of congratulatory +despatches, including two or three from some of the highest in the +land. H.S.H., the Grand Duke of PFEIFENTOPF says:--"You have me with +your writings much refreshed. I have the whole revenues of the Grand +Duchy against one thousand _flaschen_ of lager bier gebetted, and I +have won him on your noble advice on _Marvel_. I make you Commander of +the Honigthau Order." I merely cite this to show that my appreciators +are not to one country confined--I mean, confined to one country. + +[Illustration] + +What did I say last week, in speaking of the Stewards' Cup horses? By +the well-known grammatical figure known as the _hysteroproteron,_ +I mentioned _Marvel_ last, intending, of course, as even a +buffalo-headed Bedlamite might have seen, that he should be first. And +he was first. But to make assurance doubly sure, and to bring prophecy +down to the intellectual level of a bat, I added, in speaking of the +winner, that he "would certainly be a _Marvel_." I say no more. As the +great Cardinal once observed to his chief of police, "_Je te verrai +soufflé d'abord,"_ so I reply to those who wish me to reveal the +secret of my success. Mr. J. knows it not, and no single member of +the imbecile, anserous, asinine, cow-hocked, spavin-brained, venomous, +hugger-mugger purveyors of puddling balderdash who follow him has the +least conception of my glorious system. But I am willing to teach, +though I have nothing to learn. For six halfpenny stamps those who +desire to _know_, shall receive my pamphlet on "Book-making." +Every applicant must send his photograph with his application, not +necessarily for publication, but as a guarantee of good faith. + + * * * * * + +"SUR LE TAPIS."--It was a carpet that ostensibly parted an eminent +firm of composer, author, and theatrical manager. W.S.G. didn't want +D'OYLY CARPET--no, beg pardon, should have written D'OYLY CARTE to +have _carte blanche_. [Pretty name this. Is there a BLANCHE CARTE? If +not, "make it so."]--to do whatever he liked whenever he liked with +the decorating and upholstering of the theatre. And recently another +carpet, not in connection with the above firm, created a difficulty. +What's a thousand-guinea carpet to a man who likes this sort of +thing? Nothing. Yet as _amici curiae_, we would have thought that that +Tottenham Road carpet might have been kept out of Court. Wasn't that a +Blunder, MAPLE? + +[Illustration: THE LOVE LETTER.--A STUDY OF INDISCRETION.] + + * * * * * + +FROM NILE TO NEVA. + + ["And the Egyptians made the children of Israel to serve + with rigour. And they made their lives bitter with hard + bondage."--_Exodus._ + + "The Russian Government, by the new edicts legalises + persecution, and openly declares war against the Jews of the + Empire."--_Times._] + + "BEWARE!" 'Tis a voice from the shades, + from the dark of three thousand long years, + But it falls like the red blade of RA, and + should echo in Tyranny's ears + With the terror of overhead thunder; from + Nile to the Neva it thrills, + And it speaks of the judgment of wrong, of + the doom of imperious wills. + When PENTAOUR sang of the PHARAOH, alone + by Orontes, at bay, + By the chariots compassed about of the foe + who were fierce for the fray, + He sang of the dauntless oppressor, of RAMESES, + conquering king; + But were there such voice by the Neva to-day, + of what now should he sing? + Of tyranny born out of time, of oppression + belated and vain? + Put up the old weapon, O despot, slack hand + from the scourge and the chain; + For the days of the PHARAOHS are done, and + the laureates of tyranny mute, + And the whistle of falchion and flail are not + set to the chords of the lute. + True, the Hebrew, who bowed to the lash of + the Pyramid-builders, bows still, + For a time, to the knout of the TSAR, to the + Muscovite's merciless will; + But four millions of Israel's children are not + to be crushed in the path + Of a TSAR, like the Hittites of old, when great + RAMESES flamed in his wrath + Alone through their numberless hosts. No, + the days of the Titans of Wrong + Are past, for the Truth is a torch, and the + voice of the peoples is strong. + Even PENTAOUR, the poet of Might, spake in + pity that rings down the years + Of the life of "the peasant that tills" of his + terrible toil and his tears; + Of the rats and the locusts that ravaged, and, + worse, the tax-gathering horde + Who tithed all his pitiful tilth with the aid + of the stick and the cord; + And the splendour of RAMESES pales in the + text of the old Coptic Muse, + And--one hears the mad rush of the wheels + that the fierce Red Sea billow pursues! + + O Muscovite, blind in your wrath, with + your heel on the Israelite's neck, + And your hand on that baleful old blade, + Persecution, 'twere wisdom to reck + The PHARAOH'S calm warning. Beware! + Lo, the Pyramids pierce the grey gloom + Of a desert that is but a waste, by a river + that is but a tomb, + Yet the Hebrew abides and is strong. + AMENEMAN is gone to the ghosts, + He the prince of the Coptic police who so + harried the Israelite hosts + When their lives with hard-bondage were + bitter. And now bitter bondage you'd try. + Proscription, and exile, and stern deprivation. + Beware, Sire! Put by + That blade in its blood-rusted scabbard. The + PHARAOHS, the CAESARS have found + That it wounds him who wields it; and you, + though your victim there, prone on the ground, + Look helpless and hopeless, you also shall find + Persecution a bane + Which shall lead to a Red Sea of blood to + o'erwhelm selfish Tyranny's train. + "Beware!" Tis the shade of MENEPTHA + that whispers the warning from far. + Concerning _that_ sword there's a lesson the + PHARAOH may teach to the TSAR! + * * * * * + +"REWARDS FOR GALLANTRY."--Among the numerous rewards mentioned in the +_Times_ of last Thursday, the magnificent gold watch, with monogram +in diamonds, presented by the Royal Italian Opera Company to AUGUSTUS +DRURIOLANUS at the close of the present exceptionally successful +season, was not mentioned. Most appropriate present from the persons +up to tune to one who is always up to time. The umble individual who +writes this paragraph only wishes some company--Italian, French, no +matter which--would present _him_ with a golden and diamonded watch. +"O my prophetic soul! My Uncle!!" + + * * * * * + +THE PRICE OF IT. + + GLADSTONE'S latest Benedicite + Is bestowed on "free publicity." + 'Tis the thing that we all strive at, + Praise in speech, and hate--in private! + Where are pride, reserve, simplicity? + Fled for ever--from Publicity! + + * * * * * + +"MORE LIGHT!"--The Berners Hotel Co., with Mr. GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA +as Chairman, should at once be advertised as "The G.A.S.-Berners Hotel +Co.," and, of course, no electric lighting would be used. Mr. SIMS +REEVES is also a Director of this Hotel Company. So it starts with a +tenner. + + * * * * * + +Socialistic Military Novel. By JAMES ODD SUMMER. _One Iron Soldier, +and the Led Captain._ + +[Illustration: FROM THE NILE TO THE NEVA. + +SHADE OF PHARAOH. "FORBEAR! THAT WEAPON ALWAYS WOUNDS THE HAND THAT +WIELDS IT."] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. XII.--CONRAD; OR, THE THUMBSUCKER. + +_(Adapted freely from a well-known Poem in the "Struwwelpeter.")_ + +CHARACTERS. + +_Conrad (aged 6). Conrad's Mother (47). The Scissorman (age +immaterial)._ + +SCENE--_An Apartment in the house of_ CONRAD'S _Mother, window in +centre at back, opening upon a quiet thoroughfare. It is dusk, and the +room is lighted only by the reflected gleam from the street lamps._ +CONRAD _discovered half-hidden by left window-curtain._ + +_Conrad (watching street)._ Still there! For full an hour he has not +budged beyond the circle of yon lamp-post's rays! The gaslight falls +upon his crimson hose, and makes a steely glitter at his thigh, while +from the shadow peers a hatchet-face and fixes sinister malignant +eyes--on whom? _(Shuddering.)_ I dare not trust myself to guess! And +yet--ah, no--it cannot be myself! I am so young--one is still young at +six!--What man can say that I have injured him? Since, in my Mother's +absence all the day engaged upon Municipal affairs, I peacefully +beguile the weary hours by suction of consolatory thumbs. _(Here he +inserts his thumb in his mouth, but almost instantly removes it with +a start.)_ Again I meet those eyes! I'll look no more--but draw the +blind and shut my terror out. _(Draws blind and lights candle; Stage +lightens.)_ Heigho, I wish my Mother were at home! _(Listening.)_ At +last. I hear her latchkey in the door! + +_Enter_ CONRAD'S Mother, _a lady of strong-minded appearance, +rationally attired. She carries a large reticule full of documents._ + +_Conrad's M._ Would, CONRAD, that you were of riper years, so you +might share your Mother's joy to-day, the day that crowns her long and +arduous toil as one of London's County Councillors! + +_Conrad._ Nay, speak; for though my mind be immature, one topic still +can charm my infant ear, that ever craves the oft-repeated tale. I +love to hear of that august Assembly _(his Mother lifts her bonnet +solemnly)_ in which my Mother's honoured voice is raised! + +_C's. M. (gratified)._ Learn, CONRAD, then, that, after many months +of patient "lobbying" (you've heard the term?) the measure by my +foresight introduced has triumphed by a bare majority! + +_Con._ My bosom thrills with dutiful delight--although I yet for +information wait as to the scope and purpose of the statute. + +_C's. M._ You show an interest so intelligent that well deserves it +should be satisfied. Be seated, CONRAD, at your Mother's knee, and you +shall hear the full particulars. You know how zealously I advocate the +sacred cause of Nursery Reform? How through my efforts every infant's +toys are carefully inspected once a month--? + +_Con. (wearily)._ Nay, Mother, you forget--I _have_ no toys. + +_C's. M._ Which brings you under the exemption clause. But--to resume; +how Nursery Songs and Tales must now be duly licensed by our Censor, +and any deviation from the text forbidden under heavy penalties? All +that you know. Well; with concern of late, I have remarked among our +infancy the rapid increase of a baneful habit on which I scarce +can bring my tongue to dwell. _(The Stage darker; blind at back +illuminated.)_ Oh, CONRAD, there are children--think of it!--so lost +to every sense of decency that, in mere wantonness or brainless +sloth, they obstinately suck forbidden thumbs! (CONRAD _starts +with irrepressible emotion.)_ Forgive me if I shock your innocence! +_(Sadly.)_ Such things exist--but soon shall cease to be, thanks to +the measure we have passed to-day! + +_Con. (with growing uneasiness)._ But how can statutes check such +practices? + +_C's M. (patting his head)._ Right shrewdly questioned, boy! I come +to that. Some timid sentimentalists advised compulsory restraint in +woollen gloves, or the deterrent aid of bitter aloes. _I_ saw the evil +had too deep a seat to yield to such half-hearted remedies. No; we +must cut, ere we could hope to cure! Nay, interrupt me not; my Bill +appoints a new official, by the style and title of "London County +Council Scissorman," for the detection of young "suck-a-thumbs." + +_[Here the shadow of a huge hand brandishing a gigantic pair of shears +appears upon the blind.]_ + +_Con. (hiding his face in his Mother's lap)._ Ah, Mother, see!... the +scissors!... On the blind! + +_C's. M._ Why, how you tremble! You've no cause to fear. The shadow of +his grim insignia should have no terror--save for thumb-suckers. + +_Con._ And what for _them_? + +_C's. M. (complacently)._ A doom devised by me--the confiscation of +the culprit thumbs. Thus shall our statute cure while it corrects, for +those who have no thumbs can err no more. + +_[The Shadow slowly passes on the blind_, CONRAD _appearing relieved +at its departure. Loud knocking without. Both start to their feet._ + +_C's M._ Who knocks so loud at such an hour as this? + +_A Voice._ Open, I charge ye. In the Council's name! + +_C's M._ 'Tis the Official Red-legged Scissorman, who doubtless calls +to thank me for the post. + +_Con. (with a gloomy determination)._ More like his business, Madam, +is with--Me! + +_C's. M. (suddenly enlightened)._ A Suck-a-thumb?... _you_, CONRAD? + +_C. (desperately)._ Ay,--from birth! + +_[Profound silence, as Mother and Son face one another. The knocking +is renewed._ + +_C's. M._ Oh, this is horrible--it must not be! I'll shoot the bolt +and barricade the door. + +[CONRAD _places himself before it, and addresses his Mother in a tone +of incisive irony._ + +_Con._ Why, where is all the zeal you showed of late? is't thus that +you the Roman Matron play? Trick not a statute of your own devising. +Come, your official's waiting--let him in! (C's. M. _shrinks back +appalled._) So? you refuse!--(_throwing open door_)--then--enter, +Scissorman! + +_[Enter the_ Scissorman, _masked and in red tights, with his hand upon +the hilt of his shears._ + +_The S. (in a passionless tone)._ Though sorry to create +unpleasantness, I claim the thumbs of this young gentleman, which my +own eyes have marked between his lips. + +_C's. M. (frantically)._ Thou minion of a meddling tyranny, go +exercise thy loathsome trade elsewhere! + +_The S. (civilly)._ I've duties here that must be first performed. + +_C's. M. (wildly)._ Take my thumbs for his! + +_The S._ 'Tis not the law--which is a model of lucidity. + +_Con. (calmly)._ Sir, you speak well. My thumbs are forfeited, and +they alone must pay the penalty. + +_The S. (with approval)._ Right! Step with me into the outer hall, and +have the business done without delay. + +_C's. M. (throwing herself between them)._ Stay! I'm a +Councillor--this law was _mine!_ Hereby I do suspend the clause I +drew. + +_The S._ You should have drawn it milder. + +_Con._ Must I teach a parent laws were meant to be obeyed? [_To_ Sc.] +Lead on, Sir. _(To his_ Mother _with cold courtesy.)_ Madam,--may I +trouble you? + +_[He thrusts her gently aside and passes out with the_ S.; _the door +is shut and fastened from without._ C's. M. _rushes to door which she +attempts to force without success._ + +_C's. M._ In vain I batter at a senseless door, I'll to the keyhole +train my tortured ear. _(Listening.)_ Dead silence!... is it over--or, +to come? Hark! was not that the click of meeting shears?... Again! and +followed by the sullen thud of thumbs that drop upon linoleum!... + +_[The door is opened and_ CONRAD _appears, pale but erect,--N.B. The +whole of this scene has been compared to one in "La Tosca"--which, +however, it exceeds in horror and intensity._ + +_C's. M._ They send him back to me, bereft of both! My CONRAD! +What?--repulse a Mother's Arms! + +_Con. (with chilling composure)._ Yes, Madam, for between us ever +more, a barrier invisible is raised, and should I strive to reach +those arms again, two spectral thumbs would press me coldly back--the +thumbs I sucked, in blissful ignorance, the thumbs that solaced me +in solitude, the thumbs your County Council took from me, and your +endearments scarcely will replace! Where, Madam, lay the harm in +sucking them? The dog will lick his foot, the cat her claw, his paws +sustain the hibernating bear--and you decree no law to punish +_them_! Yet, in your rage for infantine reform, you rushed this most +ridiculous enactment--its earliest victim your neglected son! + +[Illustration] + +_C's. M. (falling at his feet)._ Say, CONRAD, you will some day pardon +me? + +_Con. (bitterly, as he regards his maimed hands.)_ I will,--the day +these pollards send forth shoots! + +_[His_ Mother _turns aside with a heartbroken wail_; CONRAD _standing +apart in gloomy estrangement as the Curtain descends._ + +[Illustration: "RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM". + +_Colonel North and Lord Dunraven._ "COME ALONG WITH US, GRANDOLPH. +WE'VE GOT A BETTER LOT THAN THAT."] + +"RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM." + + + GRANDOLPH _muses_:--"My Kingdom for a horse!" + Ah, well! + The question is,--which _is_ my Kingdom? + I'm bound to own there _is_ a spell + In Turfdom, Stabledom, and Ringdom, + The spell that Lord GEORGE BENTICK knew, + As DIZZY tells, _I_ feel it too. + + He won brief leadership, who might + Have won the Derby! Which was better? + There's rapture in a racer's flight, + There's rust on the official fetter. + Of me the Press tells taradiddles! + Well, I do set the fools strange riddles! + + "Fourth Party!" He was no bad start + For a new stable, but he's done with. + "Tory Democracy!" No heart! + But 'tis a mount I've had good fun with. + "Leader!" "Economy!" "Sobriety!" + My Stable has not lacked variety. + + What does NORTH say? A ragged lot? + Try a new string? And you, DUNRAVEN? + Humph! Fancy does blow cold and hot. + Audacious now, and now half craven. + Well, freak's an unexhausted fount. + Mentor, can _you_ guess my next mount? + +[Illustration: A CAREFUL MAN. + +_Host._ "HULLO! WATERING MY CHAMPAGNE! AFRAID OF ITS GETTING INTO +YOUR _HEAD_, I SUPPOSE?" + +_Guest._ "No! IT'S NOT MY _HEAD_ I'M AFRAID OF WITH _YOUR_ +CHAMPAGNE!"] + + * * * * * + +MY PITHY JAYNE. + + [DR. JAYNE, Bishop of Chester, at a Conference of the Girl's + Friendly Society, at Chester, said that until they were + prepared to introduce basket-making into London Society as a + substitute for quadrilles and waltzes, he was not disposed to + accept it as an equivalent for balls and dances among girls of + other classes.] + +AIR.--"_My Pretty Jane_." + + My pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE, + _Punch_ fancies you looked sly + When you met them, met them down at Chester, + And gave them "one in the eye." + Bigotry's waning fast, my boy, + But Cant we sometimes hear, + And Chester cant is pestilent cant, + My Lord, that's pretty clear. + Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE, + Of smiting don't be shy; + But meet them, meet the moonstruck Puritans + And tell them it's all my eye. + + 'Tis only play, and harmless play, + Like kissing in the ring, + When lads and lasses of spirits gay + Dance like young lambs in Spring. + That Spring will wane too fast, alas! + But while it yet is here, + Let youth enjoy, or girl or boy, + The dance to youth so dear. + Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE, + Don't heed the bigot's cry, + But meet them, meet them down at Chester + And teach them Charity! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Turning over fresh Leaves.] + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 28._--STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL are +amongst the most regular visitors to our lobby from House of Lords. +RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA run them pretty close, but come in only +a good second. Moreover, whilst RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA rarely go +beyond the lobby, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL press forward into Gallery +reserved for Peers, and there sweetly go to sleep, "Like Babes in the +Wood," says Colonel MALCOLM, turning over leaves of Orders as if he +would like to complete the simile by acting the part of the birds. +To-night STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL leave us forlorn. They have business +in their own House; been long concerned for interests of State as +affected by the MARKISS'S persistence in combining office of Premier +with that of Foreign Secretary. + +"It would be too much even for us," said STRATHEDEN, in conversation +we had before House met; "and," he continued, "though I say it what +shouldn't, I don't know any arrangement that would be happier or more +complete than if we undertook the job. What do you say, CAMPBELL? +Would you be Premier, or would you take the Foreign Seals?" + +"The Premier place is yours," said CAMPBELL, gallantly; "at least, +it is now. When we first started in life we used to call ourselves +CAMPBELL and STRATHEDEN. You'll find it so in the _Peerages_ of +earlier date; now it's the other way about, and STRATHEDEN takes the +_pas_." + +"That was entirely your doing, CAMPBELL, said STRATHEDEN; so modest, +so retiring, so thoughtful! After we'd been known as CAMPBELL and +STRATHEDEN for good many years, you came to me and said it was my turn +now. I objected; you insisted; and here we are, a power in the State, +an object of interest in the Commons, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL in the +Lords." + +"A little awkward, don't you think," I ventured to say, edging in a +word, "for you two fellows to take this strong stand against duality?" + +"Not at all," said STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL, both together; "we are +authorities on the subject, and we say that the MARKISS cannot in his +single person adequately perform the dual duties pertaining to his +high offices; therefore we shall go and move our resolution protesting +against arrangement." + +Pretty to see them marching off. Always walk on tip-toe; ROSEBERY says +it is a practice adopted so as not to disturb each other when engaged +in thinking out deep problems; two of the best and the happiest old +fellows in the world; their only trouble is that on divisions their +vote should count as only one. CAMPBELL, in whom hot Cupar blood +flows, once proposed to raise question of privilege, but soothed by +STRATHEDEN, who has in him a strong strain of the diplomatic character +of his grandfather, ABINGER. + +_Business done._--In the Lords, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL raised +question of MARKISS as Premier and Foreign Secretary. In Commons, +Anglo-German Agreement sanctioned. + +_Tuesday._--Scotch Members had their innings to-night; played a pretty +stiff game till, at twelve o'clock, stumps drawn. All about what used +to be called the Compensation Bill. Got a new name now; Compensation +Clauses dropped; but JOKIM finds it dreary work dragging the wreck +along. + +"Seems to me, Tony," he said with a sob in his voice, "that whatever +I do is wrong. This Bill has gone through various transmogrifications +since; with a light heart, I brought it in as part of Budget scheme. +But it's all the same. Hit high or hit low, I can't please 'em. Begin +to think if there were any other business open for me, should chuck +this up." + +"Ever been in the carpet-cleaning line?" said MAPLE-BLUNDELL, in harsh +voice, and with curiously soured face. Generally beams through life +as if it were all sunshine. Now cloud Seems to have fallen over his +expansive person, and he is as gloomy as JOKIM. + +[Illustration: Floored by the Carpet.] + +"It's all very well for you," he continues, glowering at JOKIM, "to +complain of your lot; but till you go into the carpet-cleaning line +you never know what vicissitudes mean. One day, alighting from your +four-in-hand, and happily able to spare to Tottenham Court Road a few +moments from direction of national affairs, you look in at your shop; +enter a lady who says she wants a carpet cleaned. 'Very well' you say +rubbing your hands, and smiling blandly; 'and what will be the next +article.' Nothing more. Only this blooming carpet, out of which, when +the job is finished and it is sent home you make a modest five bob. +Your keen insight into figures, JOKIM, will convince you that the coin +colloquially known as five bob won't go far to enable you to cut a +figure in Society, drive four-in-hand, give pic-nics in your park to +the Primrose League, and subscribe to the Canton Fund. However, there +it is; carpet comes; you send it out in usual way, and what happens? +Why it blows itself up, kills two boys, lames a man, and then you +discover that you've been entertaining unawares a carpet worth £1000 +which you have to pay. Did that ever happen to you at the Treasury?" +MAPLE-BLUNDELL fiercely demanded. JOKIM forced to admit that his +infinite sorrows had never taken that particular turn. + +"Very well, then," snapped MAPLE-BLUNDELL, "don't talk to me about +your troubles. As far as I know this is the only carpet in the world +valued at £1000; it is certainly the only one that ever went off by +spontaneous combustion; and I had this particular carpet in charge, at +the very moment when it was ready to combust spontaneously." + +"Yes," said JOKIM, softly, as MAPLE-BLUNDELL went off, viciously +stamping on the carpet that covers the Library floor, "we all have +our troubles, and when I think of MAPLE-BLUNDELL and his combustible +carpet I am able the better to bear the woes I have." + +[Illustration: ? ? ?] _Business done._--In Committee on Local +Taxation Bill. + +_Thursday._--"True, TOBY," OLD MORALITY said, in reply to an +observation, "I am a little tired, and naturally; things haven't been +going so well as they did; but I could get along well enough if it +wasn't for SUMMERS. CONEYBEARE'S cantankerous; STORY is strenuous; +TANNER tedious; and DILLON denunciatory. But there's something about +SUMMERS that is peculiarly aggravating. In the first place, he is, as +far as appearances go, such a quiet, amiable, inoffensive young man. +Looking at him, one would think that butter wouldn't melt in his +mouth, much less that Mixed Marriages in Malta should keep him awake +at night, and the question of International Arbitration should lower +his appetite. Yet you know how it is. He seems to have some leisure +on his hands; uses it to formulate conundrums; comes down here, and +propounds them to me. Just look at his list for to-night. +LINTORN SIMMONDS'S Mission to the POPE; Customs' Duty in Algeria; +International Arbitration; Walfish Bay, and Damara Land, together with +the view the Cape Colonies may take of the Anglo-German Agreement. +That pretty well for one night; but he's gone off now, to look up a +fresh batch, which he'll unfold to-morrow. Now is the winter of our +discontent, which is chilly enough; but, for my part, I often think +that life would be endurable only for its SUMMERS." + +Haven't often heard OLD MORALITY speak so bitterly; generally, even at +worst time, overflowing with geniality; ready to take kindest view of +circumstances, and hope for the best. But SUMMERS, surveying mankind +from China to Peru in search of material for fresh conundrum, too much +for mildest-mannered man. OLD MORALITY, goaded to verge of madness, +jumps up; hotly declines to reply to SUMMERS; begs him to address his +questions to Ministers to whose Department they belonged. + +_Business done._--Local Taxation Bill through Committee. + +_Friday._--Still in our ashes live our wonted fires. Dwelling just now +amid ashes of expiring Session; everything dull and deadly; pounding +away at Local Taxation Bill; Scotch Members to the fore, for the +fortieth time urging that the £40,000 allotted them in relief of +school fees shall be made £90,000. House divides, and also for +fortieth time says "No;" expect to go on with next Amendment; when +suddenly HARCOURT springs on OLD MORALITY'S back, digs his knuckles +into his eyes, bites his ear, and observes that he "has never seen a +piece of more unexampled insolence." OLD MORALITY, when he recovers +breath, goes and tells the Master--I mean the SPEAKER. SPEAKER says +HARCOURT shouldn't use language like that; so HARCOURT subsides, and +incident closes as rapidly and suddenly as it opened. + +A little later COMPTON goes for RAIKES; hints that he sub-edited +for _Hansard_ portions of a speech delivered in House on Post Office +affairs. RAIKES says "Noble Lord charged me with having deliberately +falsified my speech." COMPTON says he didn't. "Then," said RAIKES, +with pleading voice that went to every heart, "I wish the Noble Lord +had the manliness to charge me with deliberate falsification." COMPTON +refused to oblige; RAIKES really depressed. + +"Don't know what we're coming to, TOBY," he said, "when one almost +goes on his knees to ask a man to charge him with deliberate +falsification, and he won't do it. Thought better of COMPTON; see him +in his true light now." _Business done._--A good deal. + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING STYLE. + +Our next example of a true sporting style will be constructed on +the basis of Nos. 11, 12, and 13 of the Rules. These, it will be +remembered, require the writer to refer to "the good old days;" to be +haughty and contemptuous, with a parade of rugged honesty; to be vain +and offensive, and to set himself up as an infallible judge of every +branch of sport and athletics. This particular variety of style is +always immensely effective. All the pot—boys of the Metropolis, most +of the shady bookmakers, and a considerable proportion of the patrons +of sport swear by it, and even the most thoughtful who read it cannot +fail to be impressed by its splendour. This style deals in paragraphs. +_Second Example._--Event to be commented on: A Regatta. + +I am led to believe by column upon column of wishy-washy twaddle in +the morning papers, that Henley Regatta has actually taken place. The +effete parasites of a decayed aristocracy who direct this gathering +endeavour year after year to make the world believe that theirs is +the only meeting at which honour has the least chance of bursting +into flower. I have my own opinions on this point. Really, these tenth +transmitters of foolish faces become more and more brazen in their +attempts to palm off their miserable two-penny-halfpenny, tin-pot, +one-horse Regatta as the combination of all the cardinal virtues. + + * * * * *short + +These gentry presume to dictate to rowing men what shall constitute +the status of the Amateur. For my own part (and the world will +acknowledge that I have done some rowing in my time) I prefer the +straight-forward conduct of any passing rag-and-bone merchant to the +tricks of the high and mighty champions of the amateur qualification +in whose nostrils the mere name of professional oarsman seems +to stink. These pampered denizens of the amateur hothouse would, +doubtless, wear a kid-glove before they ventured to shake hands with +one who, like myself, despises them and their absurd pretensions. + + * * * * *short + +As for the rowing, it was fantastic. I wasn't there. Indeed, those who +know me, would never think so meanly of me as to suppose that I would +attend this Regatta _pour rire_. But I know enough to be sure that the +Eights were slow, the Fours deficient in pace, the pairs on the minus +side of nothing, and the scullers preposterous. Rowing must be in a +bad way when it can boast no better champions (save the mark!) than +those who last week aired their incompetence, and impeded the traffic +of the people upon the Thames. Time was when an oarsman was an +oarsman, but now he is a miserable cross between a Belgravian flunkey +and a riverside tout. Which is all I care to say on an unsavoury +matter. + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, August 9, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12825 *** |