diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/12793.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/12793.txt | 7912 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 7912 deletions
diff --git a/old/12793.txt b/old/12793.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 1a82a6b..0000000 --- a/old/12793.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7912 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Cobwebs From an Empty Skull -by Ambrose Bierce (AKA: Dod Grile) - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Cobwebs From an Empty Skull - -Author: Ambrose Bierce (AKA: Dod Grile) - -Release Date: June 30, 2004 [EBook #12793] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COBWEBS FROM AN EMPTY SKULL *** - - - - -Produced by Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. - - - - - - -[Illustration] - -COBWEBS - -FROM - -AN EMPTY SKULL. - -BY - -DOD GRILE. - -ILLUSTRATED WITH ENGRAVINGS BY DALZIEL BROTHERS. - -[Illustration] - -_LONDON AND NEW YORK:_ - -GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS - -1874 - - - - -To my friend, - -SHERBURNE B. EATON. - - - - -CONTENTS - - Fables of Zambri, the Parsee. - Brief Seasons of Intellectual Dissipation. - Divers Tales. - 1. The Grateful Bear. - 2. The Setting Sachem. - 3. Feodora. - 4. The Legend of Immortal Truth. - 5. Converting a Prodigal. - 6. Four Jacks and a Knave. - 7. Dr. Deadwood, I Presume. - 8. Nut-Cracking - 9. The Magician's Little Joke - 10. Seafaring. - 11. Tony Rollo's Conclusion. - 12. No Charge for Attendance. - 13. Pernicketty's Fright. - 14. Juniper. - 15. Following the Sea. - 16. A Tale of Spanish Vengeance. - 17. Mrs. Dennison's Head. - 18. A Fowl Witch. - 19. The Civil Service in Florida. - 20. A Tale of the Bosphorus. - 21. John Smith. - 22. Sundered Hearts. - 23. The Early History of Bath. - 24. The Following Dorg. - 25. Snaking. - 26. Maud's Papa. - 27. Jim Beckwourth's Pond. - 28. Stringing a Bear. - - - - -PREFACE. - - -The matter of which this volume is composed appeared originally in the -columns of "FUN," when the wisdom of the Fables and the truth of the -Tales tended to wholesomely diminish the levity of that jocund sheet. -Their publication in a new form would seem to be a fitting occasion to -say something as to their merit. - -Homer's "Iliad," it will be remembered, was but imperfectly -appreciated by Homer's contemporaries. Milton's "Paradise Lost" was so -lightly regarded when first written, that the author received but -twenty-five pounds for it. Ben Jonson was for some time blind to the -beauties of Shakespeare, and Shakespeare himself had but small esteem -for his own work. - -Appearing each week in "FUN," these Fables and Tales very soon -attracted the notice of the Editor, who was frank enough to say, -afterward, that when he accepted the manuscript he did not quite -perceive the quality of it. The printers, too, into whose hands it -came, have since admitted that for some days they felt very little -interest in it, and could not even make out what it was all about. -When to these evidences I add the confession that at first I did not -myself observe anything extraordinary in my work, I think I need say -no more: the discerning public will note the parallel, and my modesty -be spared the necessity of making an ass of itself. - -D.G. - - - - -FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSEE. - -[Illustration] - -I. - - -A certain Persian nobleman obtained from a cow gipsy a small oyster. -Holding him up by the beard, he addressed him thus: - -"You must try to forgive me for what I am about to do; and you might -as well set about it at once, for you haven't much time. I should -never think of swallowing you if it were not so easy; but opportunity -is the strongest of all temptations. Besides, I am an orphan, and very -hungry." - -"Very well," replied the oyster; "it affords me genuine pleasure to -comfort the parentless and the starving. I have already done my best -for our friend here, of whom you purchased me; but although she has an -amiable and accommodating stomach, _we couldn't agree_. For this -trifling incompatibility--would you believe it?--she was about to stew -me! Saviour, benefactor, proceed." - -"I think," said the nobleman, rising and laying down the oyster, "I -ought to know something more definite about your antecedents before -succouring you. If you couldn't agree with your mistress, you are -probably no better than you should be." - -People who begin doing something from a selfish motive frequently drop -it when they learn that it is a real benevolence. - - - - -II. - - -A rat seeing a cat approaching, and finding no avenue of escape, went -boldly up to her, and said: - -"Madam, I have just swallowed a dose of powerful bane, and in -accordance with instructions upon the label, have come out of my hole -to die. Will you kindly direct me to a spot where my corpse will prove -peculiarly offensive?" - -"Since you are so ill," replied the cat, "I will myself transport you -to a spot which I think will suit." - -So saying, she struck her teeth through the nape of his neck and -trotted away with him. This was more than he had bargained for, and he -squeaked shrilly with the pain. - -"Ah!" said the cat, "a rat who knows he has but a few minutes to live, -never makes a fuss about a little agony. I don't think, my fine -fellow, you have taken poison enough to hurt either you or me." - -So she made a meal of him. - -If this fable does not teach that a rat gets no profit by lying, I -should be pleased to know what it does teach. - - - - -III. - - -A frog who had been sitting up all night in neighbourly converse with -an echo of elegant leisure, went out in the grey of the morning to -obtain a cheap breakfast. Seeing a tadpole approach, - -"Halt!" he croaked, "and show cause why I should not eat you." - -The tadpole stopped and displayed a fine tail. - -"Enough," said the frog: "I mistook you for one of us; and if there is -anything I like, it is frog. But no frog has a tail, as a matter of -course." - -While he was speaking, however, the tail ripened and dropped off, and -its owner stood revealed in his edible character. - -"Aha!" ejaculated the frog, "so that is your little game! If, instead -of adopting a disguise, you had trusted to my mercy, I should have -spared you. But I am down upon all manner of deceit." - -And he had him down in a moment. - -Learn from this that he would have eaten him anyhow. - - - - -IV. - - -An old man carrying, for no obvious reason, a sheaf of sticks, met -another donkey whose cargo consisted merely of a bundle of stones. - -"Suppose we swop," said the donkey. - -"Very good, sir," assented the old man; "lay your load upon my -shoulders, and take off my parcel, putting it upon your own back." - -The donkey complied, so far as concerned his own encumbrance, but -neglected to remove that of the other. - -"How clever!" said the merry old gentleman, "I knew you would do that. -If you had done any differently there would have been no point to the -fable." - -And laying down both burdens by the roadside, he trudged away as merry -as anything. - - - - -V. - - -An elephant meeting a mouse, reproached him for not taking a proper -interest in growth. - -"It is all very well," retorted the mouse, "for people who haven't the -capacity for anything better. Let them grow if they like; but _I_ -prefer toasted cheese." - -The stupid elephant, not being able to make very much sense of this -remark, essayed, after the manner of persons worsted at repartee, to -set his foot upon his clever conqueror. In point of fact, he did set -his foot upon him, and there wasn't any more mouse. - -The lesson imparted by this fable is open, palpable: mice and -elephants look at things each after the manner of his kind; and when -an elephant decides to occupy the standpoint of a mouse, it is -unhealthy for the latter. - - - - -VI. - - -A wolf was slaking his thirst at a stream, when a lamb left the side -of his shepherd, came down the creek to the wolf, passed round him -with considerable ostentation, and began drinking below. - -"I beg you to observe," said the lamb, "that water does not commonly -run uphill; and my sipping here cannot possibly defile the current -where you are, even supposing my nose were no cleaner than yours, -which it is. So you have not the flimsiest pretext for slaying me." - -"I am not aware, sir," replied the wolf, "that I require a pretext -for loving chops; it never occurred to me that one was necessary." - -And he dined upon that lambkin with much apparent satisfaction. - -This fable ought to convince any one that of two stories very similar -one needs not necessarily be a plagiarism. - - - - -VII. - -[Illustration] - -An old gentleman sat down, one day, upon an acorn, and finding it a -very comfortable seat, went soundly to sleep. The warmth of his body -caused the acorn to germinate, and it grew so rapidly, that when the -sleeper awoke he found himself sitting in the fork of an oak, sixty -feet from the ground. - -"Ah!" said he, "I am fond of having an extended view of any landscape -which happens to please my fancy; but this one does not seem to -possess that merit. I think I will go home." - -It is easier to say go home than to go. - -"Well, well!" he resumed, "if I cannot compel circumstances to my -will, I can at least adapt my will to circumstances. I decide to -remain. 'Life'--as a certain eminent philosopher in England wilt say, -whenever there shall be an England to say it in--'is the definite -combination of heterogeneous changes, both simultaneous and -successive, in correspondence with external co-existences and -sequences.' I have, fortunately, a few years of this before me yet; -and I suppose I can permit my surroundings to alter me into anything I -choose." - -And he did; but what a choice! - -I should say that the lesson hereby imparted is one of contentment -combined with science. - - - - -VIII. - - -A caterpillar had crawled painfully to the top of a hop-pole, and not -finding anything there to interest him, began to think of descending. - -"Now," soliloquized he, "if I only had a pair of wings, I should be -able to manage it very nicely." - -So saying, he turned himself about to go down, but the heat of his -previous exertion, and that of the sun, had by this time matured him -into a butterfly. - -"Just my luck!" he growled, "I never wish for anything without getting -it. I did not expect this when I came out this morning, and have -nothing prepared. But I suppose I shall have to stand it." - -So he spread his pinions and made for the first open flower he saw. -But a spider happened to be spending the summer in that vegetable, and -it was not long before Mr. Butterfly was wishing himself back atop of -that pole, a simple caterpillar. - -He had at last the pleasure of being denied a desire. - -_Haec fabula docet_ that it is not a good plan to call at houses -without first ascertaining who is at home there. - - - - -IX. - - -It is related of a certain Tartar priest that, being about to -sacrifice a pig, he observed tears in the victim's eyes. - -"Now, I'd like to know what is the matter with _you_?" he asked. - -"Sir," replied the pig, "if your penetration were equal to that of the -knife you hold, you would know without inquiring; but I don't mind -telling you. I weep because I know I shall be badly roasted." - -"Ah," returned the priest, meditatively, having first killed the pig, -"we are all pretty much alike: it is the bad roasting that frightens -us. Mere death has no terrors." - -From this narrative learn that even priests sometimes get hold of only -half a truth. - - - - -X. - - -A dog being very much annoyed by bees, ran, quite accidentally, into -an empty barrel lying on the ground, and looking out at the bung-hole, -addressed his tormenters thus: - -"Had you been temperate, stinging me only one at a time, you might -have got a good deal of fun out of me. As it is, you have driven me -into a secure retreat; for I can snap you up as fast as you come in -through the bung-hole. Learn from this the folly of intemperate zeal." - -When he had concluded, he awaited a reply. There wasn't any reply; for -the bees had never gone near the bung-hole; they went in the same way -as he did, and made it very warm for him. - -The lesson of this fable is that one cannot stick to his pure reason -while quarrelling with bees. - - - - -XI. - - -A fox and a duck having quarrelled about the ownership of a frog, -agreed to refer the dispute to a lion. After hearing a great deal of -argument, the lion opened his mouth to speak. - -"I am very well aware," interrupted the duck, "what your decision is. -It is that by our own showing the frog belongs to neither of us, and -you will eat him yourself. But please remember that lions do not like -frogs." - -"To me," exclaimed the fox, "it is perfectly clear that you will give -the frog to the duck, the duck to me, and take me yourself. Allow me -to state certain objections to--" - -"I was about to remark," said the lion, "that while you were -disputing, the cause of contention had hopped away. Perhaps you can -procure another frog." - -To point out the moral of this fable would be to offer a gratuitous -insult to the acuteness of the reader. - - - - -XII. - - -An ass meeting a pair of horses, late one evening, said to them: - -"It is time all honest horses were in bed. Why are you driving out at -this time of day?" - -"Ah!" returned they, "if it is so very late, why are you out riding?" - -"I never in my life," retorted the ass angrily, "knew a horse to -return a direct answer to a civil question." - -This tale shows that this ass did not know everything. - -[The implication that horses do not answer questions seems to have -irritated the worthy fabulist.--TRANSLATOR.] - - - - -XIII. - - -A stone being cast by the plough against a lump of earth, hastened to -open the conversation as follows: - -"Virtue, which is the opposite of vice, is best fostered by the -absence of temptation!" - -The lump of earth, being taken somewhat by surprise, was not prepared -with an apophthegm, and said nothing. - -Since that time it has been customary to call a stupid person a -"clod." - - - - -XIV. - - -A river seeing a zephyr carrying off an anchor, asked him, "What are -you going to do with it?" - -"I give it up," replied the zephyr, after mature reflection. - -"Blow me if _I_ would!" continued the river; "you might just as well -not have taken it at all." - -"Between you and me," returned the zephyr, "I only picked it up -because it is customary for zephyrs to do such things. But if you -don't mind I will carry it up to your head and drop it in your mouth." - -This fable teaches such a multitude of good things that it would be -invidious to mention any. - - - - -XV. - - -A peasant sitting on a pile of stones saw an ostrich approaching, and -when it had got within range he began pelting it. It is hardly -probable that the bird liked this; but it never moved until a large -number of boulders had been discharged; then it fell to and ate them. - -"It was very good of you, sir," then said the fowl; "pray tell me to -what virtue I am indebted for this excellent meal." - -"To piety," replied the peasant, who, believing that anything able to -devour stones must be a god, was stricken with fear. "I beg you won't -think these were merely cold victuals from my table; I had just -gathered them fresh, and was intending to have them dressed for my -dinner; but I am always hospitable to the deities, and now I suppose I -shall have to go without." - -"On the contrary, my pious youth," returned the ostrich, "you shall go -within." - -And the man followed the stones. - -The falsehoods of the wicked never amount to much. - - - - -XVI. - - -Two thieves went into a farmer's granary and stole a sack of kitchen -vegetables; and, one of them slinging it across his shoulders, they -began to run away. In a moment all the domestic animals and barn-yard -fowls about the place were at their heels, in high clamour, which -threatened to bring the farmer down upon them with his dogs. - -"You have no idea how the weight of this sack assists me in escaping, -by increasing my momentum," said the one who carried the plunder; -"suppose _you_ take it." - -"Ah!" returned the other, who had been zealously pointing out the way -to safety, and keeping foremost therein, "it is interesting to find -how a common danger makes people confiding. You have a thousand times -said I could not be trusted with valuable booty. It is an humiliating -confession, but I am myself convinced that if I should assume that -sack, and the impetus it confers, you could not depend upon your -dividend." - -[Illustration] - -"A common danger," was the reply, "seems to stimulate conviction, as -well as confidence." - -"Very likely," assented the other, drily; "I am quite too busy to -enter into these subtleties. You will find the subject very ably -treated in the Zend-Avesta." - -But the bastinado taught them more in a minute than they would have -gleaned from that excellent work in a fortnight. - -If they could only have had the privilege of reading this fable, it -would have taught them more than either. - - - - -XVII. - - -While a man was trying with all his might to cross a fence, a bull ran -to his assistance, and taking him upon his horns, tossed him over. -Seeing the man walking away without making any remark, the bull said: - -"You are quite welcome, I am sure. I did no more than my duty." - -"I take a different view of it, very naturally," replied the man, "and -you may keep your polite acknowledgments of my gratitude until you -receive it. I did not require your services." - -"You don't mean to say," answered the bull, "that you did not wish to -cross that fence!" - -"I mean to say," was the rejoinder, "that I wished to cross it by my -method, solely to avoid crossing it by yours." - -_Fabula docet_ that while the end is everything, the means is -something. - - - - -XVIII. - - -An hippopotamus meeting an open alligator, said to him: - -"My forked friend, you may as well collapse. You are not sufficiently -comprehensive to embrace me. I am myself no tyro at smiling, when in -the humour." - -"I really had no expectation of taking you in," replied the other. "I -have a habit of extending my hospitality impartially to all, and about -seven feet wide." - -"You remind me," said the hippopotamus, "of a certain zebra who was -not vicious at all; he merely kicked the breath out of everything that -passed behind him, but did not induce things to pass behind him." - -"It is quite immaterial what I remind you of," was the reply. - -The lesson conveyed by this fable is a very beautiful one. - - - - -XIX. - - -A man was plucking a living goose, when his victim addressed him thus: - -"Suppose _you_ were a goose; do you think you would relish this sort -of thing?" - -"Well, suppose I were," answered the man; "do you think _you_ would -like to pluck me?" - -"Indeed I would!" was the emphatic, natural, but injudicious reply. - -"Just so," concluded her tormentor; "that's the way _I_ feel about the -matter." - - - - -XX. - - -A traveller perishing of thirst in a desert, debated with his camel -whether they should continue their journey, or turn back to an oasis -they had passed some days before. The traveller favoured the latter -plan. - -"I am decidedly opposed to any such waste of time," said the animal; -"I don't care for oases myself." - -"I should not care for them either," retorted the man, with some -temper, "if, like you, I carried a number of assorted water-tanks -inside. But as you will not submit to go back, and I shall not consent -to go forward, we can only remain where we are." - -"But," objected the camel, "that will be certain death to you!" - -"Not quite," was the quiet answer, "it involves only the loss of my -camel." - -So saying, he assassinated the beast, and appropriated his liquid -store. - -A compromise is not always a settlement satisfactory to both parties. - - - - -XXI. - - -A sheep, making a long journey, found the heat of his fleece very -uncomfortable, and seeing a flock of other sheep in a fold, evidently -awaiting for some one, leaped over and joined them, in the hope of -being shorn. Perceiving the shepherd approaching, and the other sheep -huddling into a remote corner of the fold, he shouldered his way -forward, and going up to the shepherd, said: - -"Did you ever see such a lot of fools? It's lucky I came along to set -them an example of docility. Seeing me operated upon, they 'll be glad -to offer themselves." - -"Perhaps so," replied the shepherd, laying hold of the animal's horns; -"but I never kill more than one sheep at a time. Mutton won't keep in -hot weather." - -The chops tasted excellently well with tomato sauce. - -The moral of this fable isn't what you think it is. It is this: The -chops of another man's mutton are _always_ nice eating. - - - - -XXII. - - -Two travellers between Teheran and Bagdad met half-way up the vertical -face of a rock, on a path only a cubit in width. As both were in a -hurry, and etiquette would allow neither to set his foot upon the -other even if dignity had permitted prostration, they maintained for -some time a stationary condition. After some reflection, each decided -to jump round the other; but as etiquette did not warrant conversation -with a stranger, neither made known his intention. The consequence was -they met, with considerable emphasis, about four feet from the edge of -the path, and went through a flight of soaring eagles, a mile out of -their way![A] - -[Footnote A: This is infamous! The learned Parsee appears wholly to -ignore the distinction between a fable and a simple lie.--TRANSLATOR.] - - - - -XXIII. - - -A stone which had lain for centuries in a hidden place complained to -Allah that remaining so long in one position was productive of cramps. - -"If thou wouldst be pleased," it said, "to let me take a little -exercise now and then, my health would be the better for it." - -So it was granted permission to make a short excursion, and at once -began rolling out into the open desert. It had not proceeded far -before an ostrich, who was pensively eating a keg of nails, left his -repast, dashed at the stone, and gobbled it up. - -This narration teaches the folly of contentment: if the ostrich had -been content with his nails he would never have eaten the stone. - - - - -XXIV. - - -A man carrying a sack of corn up a high ladder propped against a wall, -had nearly reached the top, when a powerful hog passing that way leant -against the bottom to scratch its hide. - -"I wish," said the man, speaking down the ladder, "you would make -that operation as brief as possible; and when I come down I will -reward you by rearing a fresh ladder especially for you." - -"This one is quite good enough for a hog," was the reply; "but I am -curious to know if you will keep your promise, so I'll just amuse -myself until you come down." - -And taking the bottom rung in his mouth, he moved off, away from the -wall. A moment later he had all the loose corn he could garner, but he -never got that other ladder. - -MORAL.--An ace and four kings is as good a hand as one can hold in -draw-poker. - - - - -XXV. - - -A young cock and a hen were speaking of the size of eggs. Said the -cock: - -"I once laid an egg--" - -"Oh, you did!" interrupted the hen, with a derisive cackle. "Pray how -did you manage it?" - -The cock felt injured in his self-esteem, and, turning his back upon -the hen, addressed himself to a brood of young chickens. - -"I once laid an egg--" - -The chickens chirped incredulously, and passed on. The insulted bird -reddened in the wattles with indignation, and strutting up to the -patriarch of the entire barn-yard, repeated his assertion. The -patriarch nodded gravely, as if the feat were an every-day affair, and -the other continued: - -"I once laid an egg alongside a water-melon, and compared the two. The -vegetable was considerably the larger." - -This fable is intended to show the absurdity of hearing all a man has -to say. - - - - -XXVI. - - -[Illustration] - -Seeing himself getting beyond his depth, a bathing naturalist called -lustily for succour. - -"Anything _I_ can do for you?" inquired the engaging octopus. - -"Happy to serve you, I am sure," said the accommodating leech. - -"Command _me_," added the earnest crab. - -"Gentlemen of the briny deep," exclaimed the gasping _savant_, "I am -compelled to decline your friendly offices, but I tender you my -scientific gratitude; and, as a return favour, I beg, with this my -last breath, that you will accept the freedom of my aquarium, and make -it your home." - -This tale proves that scientific gratitude is quite as bad as the -natural sort. - - - - -XXVII. - - -Two whales seizing a pike, attempted in turn to swallow him, but -without success. They finally determined to try him jointly, each -taking hold of an end, and both shutting their eyes for a grand -effort, when a shark darted silently between them, biting away the -whole body of their prey. Opening their eyes, they gazed upon one -another with much satisfaction. - -"I had no idea he would go down so easily," said the one. - -"Nor I," returned the other; "but how very tasteless a pike is." - -The insipidity we observe in most of our acquaintances is largely due -to our imperfect knowledge of them. - - - - -XXVIII. - - -A wolf went into the cottage of a peasant while the family was absent -in the fields, and falling foul of some beef, was quietly enjoying it, -when he was observed by a domestic rat, who went directly to her -master, informing him of what she had seen. - -"I would myself have dispatched the robber," she added, "but feared -you might wish to take him alive." - -So the man secured a powerful club and went to the door of the house, -while the rat looked in at the window. After taking a survey of the -situation, the man said: - -"I don't think I care to take this fellow alive. Judging from his -present performance, I should say his keeping would entail no mean -expense. You may go in and slay him if you like; I have quite changed -my mind." - -"If you really intended taking him prisoner," replied the rat, "the -object of that bludgeon is to me a matter of mere conjecture. However, -it is easy enough to see you have changed your mind; and it may be -barely worth mentioning that I have changed mine." - -"The interest you both take in me," said the wolf, without looking up, -"touches me deeply. As you have considerately abstained from bothering -me with the question of how I am to be disposed of, I will not -embarrass your counsels by obtruding a preference. Whatever may be -your decision, you may count on my acquiescence; my countenance alone -ought to convince you of the meek docility of my character. I never -lose my temper, and I never swear; but, by the stomach of the Prophet! -if either one of you domestic animals is in sight when I have finished -the conquest of these ribs, the question of _my_ fate may be postponed -for future debate, without detriment to any important interest." - -This fable teaches that while you are considering the abatement of a -nuisance, it is important to know which nuisance is the more likely to -be abated. - - - - -XXIX. - - -A snake tried to shed his skin by pulling it off over his head, but, -being unable to do so, was advised by a woodman to slip out of it in -the usual way. - -"But," said the serpent, "this is the way _you_ do it!" - -"True," exclaimed the woodman, holding out the hem of his tunic; "but -you will observe that my skin is brief and open. If you desire one -like that, I think I can assist you." - -So saying, he chopped off about a cubit of the snake's tail. - - - - -XXX. - - -An oyster who had got a large pebble between the valves of his shell, -and was unable to get it out, was lamenting his sad fate, when--the -tide being out--a monkey ran to him, and began making an examination. - -"You appear," said the monkey, "to have got something else in here, -too. I think I'd better remove that first." - -With this he inserted his paw, and scooped out the animal's essential -part. - -"Now," said he, eating the portion he had removed, "I think you will -be able to manage the pebble yourself." - -To apprehend the lesson of this fable one must have some experience of -the law. - - - - -XXXI. - - -An old fox and her two cubs were pursued by dogs, when one of the cubs -got a thorn in his foot, and could go no farther. Setting the other to -watch for the pursuers, the mother proceeded, with much tender -solicitude, to extract the thorn. Just as she had done so, the -sentinel gave the alarm. - -"How near are they?" asked the mother. - -"Close by, in the next field," was the answer. - -"The deuce they are!" was the hasty rejoinder. "However, I presume -they will be content with a single fox." - -And shoving the thorn earnestly back into the wounded foot, this -excellent parent took to her heels. - -This fable proves that humanity does not happen to enjoy a monopoly of -paternal affection. - - - - -XXXII. - - -A man crossing the great river of Egypt, heard a voice, which seemed -to come from beneath his boat, requesting him to stop. Thinking it -must proceed from some river-deity, he laid down his paddle and said: - -"Whoever you are that ask me to stop, I beg you will let me go on. I -have been asked by a friend to dine with him, and I am late." - -"Should your friend pass this way," said the voice, "I will show him -the cause of your detention. Meantime you must come to dinner with -_me_." - -"Willingly," replied the man, devoutly, very well pleased with so -extraordinary an honour; "pray show me the way." - -"In here," said the crocodile, elevating his distending jaws above the -water and beckoning with his tongue--"this way, please." - -This fable shows that being asked to dinner is not always the same -thing as being asked to dine. - - - - -XXXIII. - - -An old monkey, designing to teach his sons the advantage of unity, -brought them a number of sticks, and desired them to see how easily -they might be broken, one at a time. So each young monkey took a stick -and broke it. - -"Now," said the father, "I will teach you a lesson." - -And he began to gather the sticks into a bundle. But the young -monkeys, thinking he was about to beat them, set upon him, all -together, and disabled him. - -"There!" said the aged sufferer, "behold the advantage of unity! If -you had assailed me one at a time, I would have killed every mother's -son of you!" - -Moral lessons are like the merchant's goods: they are conveyed in -various ways. - - - - -XXXIV. - - -A wild horse meeting a domestic one, taunted him with his condition of -servitude. The tamed animal claimed that he was as free as the wind. - -"If that is so," said the other, "pray tell me the office of that bit -in your mouth." - -"That," was the answer, "is iron, one of the best tonics in the -_materia medica_." - -"But what," said the other, "is the meaning of the rein attached to -it?" - -"Keeps it from falling out of my mouth when I am too indolent to hold -it," was the reply. - -"How about the saddle?" - -"Fool!" was the angry retort; "its purpose is to spare me fatigue: -when I am tired, I get on and ride." - - - - -XXXV. - - -Some doves went to a hawk, and asked him to protect them from a kite. - -"That I will," was the cheerful reply; "and when I am admitted into -the dovecote, I shall kill more of you in a day than the kite did in a -century. But of course you know this; you expect to be treated in the -regular way." - -So he entered the dovecote, and began preparations for a general -slaughter. But the doves all set upon him and made exceedingly short -work of him. With his last breath he asked them why, being so -formidable, they had not killed the kite. They replied that they had -never seen any kite. - - - - -[Illustration] - - -XXXVI. - - -A defeated warrior snatched up his aged father, and, slinging him -across his shoulders, plunged into the wilderness, followed by the -weary remnant of his beaten army. The old gentleman liked it. - -"See!" said he, triumphantly, to the flying legion; "did you ever hear -of so dutiful and accommodating a son? And he's as easy under the -saddle as an old family horse!" - -"I rather think," replied the broken and disordered battalion, with a -grin, "that Mr. AEneas once did something of this kind. But _his_ -father had thoughtfully taken an armful of lares and penates; and the -accommodating nature of _his_ son was, therefore, more conspicuous. If -I might venture to suggest that you take up my shield and scimitar--" - -"Thank you," said the aged party, "I could not think of disarming the -military: but if you would just hand me up one of the heaviest of -those dead branches, I think the merits of my son would be rendered -sufficiently apparent." - -The routed column passed him up the one shown in the immediate -foreground of our sketch, and it was quite enough for both steed and -rider. - -_Fabula ostendit_ that History repeats itself, with variations. - - - - -XXXVII. - - -A pig who had engaged a cray-fish to pilot him along the beach in -search of mussels, was surprised to see his guide start off backwards. - -"Your excessive politeness quite overcomes me," said the porker, "but -don't you think it rather ill bestowed upon a pig? Pray don't hesitate -to turn your back upon me." - -"Sir," replied the cray-fish, "permit me to continue as I am. We now -stand to each other in the proper relation of _employe_ to employer. -The former is excessively obsequious, and the latter is, in the eyes -of the former, a hog." - - - - -XXXVIII. - - -The king of tortoises desiring to pay a visit of ceremony to a -neighbouring monarch, feared that in his absence his idle subjects -might get up a revolution, and that whoever might be left at the head -of the State would usurp the throne. So calling his subjects about -him, he addressed them thus: - -"I am about to leave our beloved country for a long period, and desire -to leave the sceptre in the hands of him who is most truly a tortoise. -I decree that you shall set out from yonder distant tree, and pass -round it. Whoever shall get back last shall be appointed Regent." - -So the population set out for the goal, and the king for his -destination. Before the race was decided, his Majesty had made the -journey and returned. But he found the throne occupied by a subject, -who at once secured by violence what he had won by guile. - -Certain usurpers are too conscientious to retain kingly power unless -the rightful monarch be dead; and these are the most dangerous sort. - - - - -XXXIX. - - -A spaniel at the point of death requested a mastiff friend to eat him. - -"It would soothe my last moments," said he, "to know that when I am no -longer of any importance to myself I may still be useful to you." - -"Much obliged, I am sure," replied his friend; "I think you mean well, -but you should know that my appetite is not so depraved as to relish -dog." - -Perhaps it is for a similar reason we abstain from cannibalism. - - - - -XL. - - -A cloud was passing across the face of the sun, when the latter -expostulated with him. - -"Why," said the sun, "when you have so much space to float in, should -you be casting your cold shadow upon me?" - -After a moment's reflection, the cloud made answer thus: - -"I certainly had no intention of giving offence by my presence, and as -for my shadow, don't you think you have made a trifling mistake?--not -a gigantic or absurd mistake, but merely one that would disgrace an -idiot." - -At this the great luminary was furious, and fell so hotly upon him -that in a few minutes there was nothing of him left. - -It is very foolish to bandy words with a cloud if you happen to be the -sun. - - - - -XLI. - - -A rabbit travelling leisurely along the highway was seen, at some -distance, by a duck, who had just come out of the water. - -"Well, I declare!" said she, "if I could not walk without limping in -that ridiculous way, I'd stay at home. Why, he's a spectacle!" - -"Did you ever see such an ungainly beast as that duck!" said the -rabbit to himself. "If I waddled like that I should go out only at -night." - -MORAL, BY A KANGAROO.--People who are ungraceful of gait are always -intolerant of mind. - - - - -XLII. - - -A fox who dwelt in the upper chamber of an abandoned watch-tower, -where he practised all manner of magic, had by means of his art -subjected all other animals to his will. One day he assembled a great -multitude of them below his window, and commanded that each should -appear in his presence, and all who could not teach him some important -truth should be thrown off the walls and dashed to pieces. Upon -hearing this they were all stricken with grief, and began to lament -their hard fate most piteously. - -"How," said they, "shall we, who are unskilled in magic, unread in -philosophy, and untaught in the secrets of the stars--who have neither -wit, eloquence, nor song--how shall we essay to teach wisdom to the -wise?" - -Nevertheless, they were compelled to make the attempt. After many had -failed and been dispatched, another fox arrived on the ground, and -learning the condition of affairs, scampered slyly up the steps, and -whispered something in the ear of the cat, who was about entering the -tower. So the latter stuck her head in at the door, and shrieked: - -"Pullets with a southern exposure ripen earliest, and have yellow -legs." - -At this the magician was so delighted that he dissolved the spell and -let them all go free. - - - - -XLIII. - - -One evening a jackass, passing between a village and a hill, looked -over the latter and saw the faint light of the rising moon. - -"Ho-ho, Master Redface!" said he, "so you are climbing up the other -side to point out my long ears to the villagers, are you? I'll just -meet you at the top, and set my heels into your insolent old lantern." - -So he scrambled painfully up to the crest, and stood outlined against -the broad disc of the unconscious luminary, more conspicuously a -jackass than ever before. - - - - -XLIV. - - -A bear wishing to rob a beehive, laid himself down in front of it, and -overturned it with his paw. - -"Now," said he, "I will lie perfectly still and let the bees sting me -until they are exhausted and powerless; their honey may then be -obtained without opposition." - -And it was so obtained, but by a fresh bear, the other being dead. - -This narrative exhibits one aspect of the "Fabian policy." - - - - -XLV. - - -A cat seeing a mouse with a piece of cheese, said: - -"I would not eat that, if I were you, for I think it is poisoned. -However, if you will allow me to examine it, I will tell you certainly -whether it is or not." - -While the mouse was thinking what it was best to do, the cat had fully -made up her mind, and was kind enough to examine both the cheese and -the mouse in a manner highly satisfactory to herself, but the mouse -has never returned to give _his_ opinion. - - - - -XLVI. - - -An improvident man, who had quarrelled with his wife concerning -household expenses, took her and the children out on the lawn, -intending to make an example of her. Putting himself in an attitude of -aggression, and turning to his offspring, he said: - -"You will observe, my darlings, that domestic offences are always -punished with a loss of blood. Make a note of this and be wise." - -He had no sooner spoken than a starving mosquito settled upon his -nose, and began to assist in enforcing the lesson. - -"My officious friend," said the man, "when I require illustrations -from the fowls of the air, you may command my patronage. The deep -interest you take in my affairs is, at present, a trifle annoying." - -[Illustration] - -"I do not find it so," the mosquito would have replied had he been at -leisure, "and am convinced that our respective points of view are so -widely dissimilar as not to afford the faintest hope of reconciling -our opinions upon collateral points. Let us be thankful that upon the -main question of bloodletting we perfectly agree." - -When the bird had concluded, the man's convictions were quite -unaltered, but he was too weak to resume the discussion; and, although -blood is thicker than water, the children were constrained to confess -that the stranger had the best of it. - -This fable teaches. - - - - -XLVII. - - -"I hate snakes who bestow their caresses with interested partiality or -fastidious discrimination," boasted a boa constrictor. "_My_ -affection is unbounded; it embraces all animated nature. I am the -universal shepherd; I gather all manner of living things into my -folds. Entertainment here for man and beast!" - -"I should be glad of one of your caresses," said a porcupine, meekly; -"it has been some time since I got a loving embrace." - -So saying, he nestled snugly and confidingly against the large-hearted -serpent--who fled. - -A comprehensive philanthropy may be devoid of prejudices, but it has -its preferences all the same. - - - - -XLVIII. - - -During a distressing famine in China a starving man met a fat pig, -who, seeing no chance of escape, walked confidently up to the superior -animal, and said: - -"Awful famine! isn't it?" - -"Quite dreadful!" replied the man, eyeing him with an evident purpose: -"almost impossible to obtain meat." - -"Plenty of meat, such as it is, but no corn. Do you know, I have been -compelled to eat so many of your people, I don't believe there is an -ounce of pork in my composition." - -"And I so many that I have lost all taste for pork." - -"Terrible thing this cannibalism!" - -"Depends upon which character you try it in; it is terrible to be -eaten." - -"You are very brutal!" - -"You are very fat." - -"You look as if you would take my life." - -"You look as if you would sustain mine." - -"Let us 'pull sticks,'" said the now desperate animal, "to see which -of us shall die." - -"Good!" assented the man: "I'll pull this one." - -So saying, he drew a hedge-stake from the ground, and stained it with -the brain of that unhappy porker. - -MORAL.--An empty stomach has no ears. - - - - -XLIX. - - -A snake, a mile long, having drawn himself over a roc's egg, -complained that in its present form he could get no benefit from it, -and modestly desired the roc to aid him in some way. - -"Certainly," assented the bird, "I think we can arrange it." - -Saying which, she snatched up one of the smaller Persian provinces, -and poising herself a few leagues above the suffering reptile, let it -drop upon him to smash the egg. - -This fable exhibits the folly of asking for aid without specifying the -kind and amount of aid you require. - - - - -L. - - -An ox meeting a man on the highway, asked him for a pinch of snuff, -whereupon the man fled back along the road in extreme terror. - -"_Don't_ be alarmed," said a horse whom he met; "the ox won't bite -you." - -The man gave one stare and dashed across the meadows. - -"Well," said a sheep, "I wouldn't be afraid of a horse; _he_ won't -kick." - -The man shot like a comet into the forest. - -"Look where you're going there, or I'll thrash the life out of you!" -screamed a bird into whose nest he had blundered. - -Frantic with fear, the man leapt into the sea. - -"By Jove! how you frightened me," said a small shark. - -The man was dejected, and felt a sense of injury. He seated himself -moodily on the bottom, braced up his chin with his knees, and thought -for an hour. Then he beckoned to the fish who had made the last -remark. - -"See here, I say," said he, "I wish you would just tell me what in -thunder this all means." - -"Ever read any fables?" asked the shark. - -"No--yes--well, the catechism, the marriage service, and--" - -"Oh, bother!" said the fish, playfully, smiling clean back to the -pectoral fins; "get out of this and bolt your AEsop!" - -The man did get out and bolted. - -[This fable teaches that its worthy author was drunk as a -loon.--TRANSLATOR.] - - - - -LI. - - -A lion pursued by some villagers was asked by a fox why he did not -escape on horseback. - -"There is a fine strong steed just beyond this rock," said the fox. -"All you have to do is to get on his back and stay there." - -So the lion went up to the charger and asked him to give him a lift. - -"Certainly," said the horse, "with great pleasure." - -And setting one of his heels into the animal's stomach, he lifted him. -about seven feet from the ground. - -"Confound you!" roared the beast as he fell back. - -"So did you," quietly remarked the steed. - - - - -LII. - - -A Mahout who had dismounted from his elephant, and was quietly -standing on his head in the middle of the highway, was asked by the -animal why he did not revert and move on. - -"You are making a spectacle of yourself," said the beast. - -"If I choose to stand upside down," replied the man, "I am very well -aware that I incur the displeasure of those who adhere with slavish -tenacity to the prejudices and traditions of society; but it seems to -me that rebuke would come with a more consistent grace from one who -does not wear a tail upon his nose." - -This fable teaches that four straight lines may enclose a circle, but -there will be corners to let. - - - - -LIII. - - -A dog meeting a strange cat, took her by the top of the back, and -shook her for a considerable period with some earnestness. Then -depositing her in a ditch, he remarked with gravity: - -"There, my feline friend! I think that will teach you a wholesome -lesson; and as punishment is intended to be reformatory, you ought to -be grateful to me for deigning to administer it." - -"I don't think of questioning your right to worry me," said the cat, -getting her breath, "but I should like to know where you got your -licence to preach at me. Also, if not inconsistent with the dignity of -the court, I should wish to be informed of the nature of my offence; -in order that I may the more clearly apprehend the character of the -lesson imparted by its punishment." - -"Since you are so curious," replied the dog, "I worry you because you -are too feeble to worry me." - -"In other words," rejoined the cat, getting herself together as well -as she could, "you bite me for that to which you owe your existence." - -The reply of the dog was lost in the illimitable field of ether, -whither he was just then projected by the kick of a passing horse. The -moral of this fable cannot be given until he shall get down, and close -the conversation with the regular apophthegm. - - - - -LIV. - - -People who wear tight hats will do well to lay this fable well to -heart, and ponder upon the deep significance of its moral: - -In passing over a river, upon a high bridge, a cow discovered a broad -loose plank in the flooring, sustained in place by a beam beneath the -centre. - -"Now," said she, "I will stand at this end of the trap, and when -yonder sheep steps upon the opposite extreme there will be an upward -tendency in wool." - -So when the meditative mutton advanced unwarily upon the treacherous -device, the cow sprang bodily upon the other end, and there was a fall -in beef. - - - - -LV. - - -Two snakes were debating about the proper method of attacking prey. - -"The best way," said one, "is to slide cautiously up, endwise, and -seize it thus"--illustrating his method by laying hold of the other's -tail. - -"Not at all," was the reply; "a better plan is to approach by a -circular side-sweep, thus"--turning upon his opponent and taking in -_his_ tail. - -Although there was no disagreement as to the manner of disposing of -what was once seized, each began to practise his system upon the -other, and continued until both were swallowed. - -The work begun by contention is frequently completed by habit. - - - - -[Illustration:] - - -LVI. - - -A man staggering wearily through the streets of Persepolis, under a -heavy burden, said to himself: - -"I wish I knew what this thing is I have on my back; then I could make -some sort of conjecture as to what I design doing with it." - -"Suppose," said the burden, "I were a man in a sack; what disposition -would you make of me?" - -"The regular thing," replied the man, "would be to take you over to -Constantinople, and pitch you into the Bosphorus; but I should -probably content myself with laying you down and jumping on you, as -being more agreeable to my feelings, and quite as efficacious." - -"But suppose," continued the burden, "I were a shoulder of -beef--which I quite as much resemble--belonging to some poor family?" - -"In that case," replied the man, promptly, "I should carry you to my -larder, my good fellow." - -"But if I were a sack of gold, do you think you would find me very -onerous?" said the burden. - -"A great deal would depend," was the answer, "upon whom you happened -to belong to; but I may say, generally, that gold upon the shoulders -is wonderfully light, considering the weight of it." - -"Behold," said the burden, "the folly of mankind: they cannot perceive -that the _quality_ of the burdens of life is a matter of no -importance. The question of pounds and ounces is the only -consideration of any real weight." - - - - -LVII. - - -A ghost meeting a genie, one wintry night, said to him: - -"Extremely harassing weather, friend. Wish I had some teeth to -chatter!" - -"You do not need them," said the other; "you can always chatter those -of other people, by merely showing yourself. For my part, I should be -content with some light employment: would erect a cheap palace, -transport a light-weight princess, threaten a small cripple--or jobs -of that kind. What are the prospects of the fool crop?" - -"For the next few thousand years, very good. There is a sort of thing -called Literature coming in shortly, and it will make our fortune. But -it will be very bad for History. Curse this phantom apparel! The more -I gather it about me the colder I get." - -"When Literature has made our fortune," sneered the genie, "I presume -you will purchase material clothing." - -"And you," retorted the ghost, "will be able to advertise for -permanent employment at a fixed salary." - -This fable shows the difference between the super natural and the -natural "super": the one appears in the narrative, the other does not. - - - - -LVIII. - - -"Permit me to help you on in the world, sir," said a boy to a -travelling tortoise, placing a glowing coal upon the animal's back. - -"Thank you," replied the unconscious beast; "I alone am responsible -for the time of my arrival, and I alone will determine the degree of -celerity required. The gait I am going will enable me to keep all my -present appointments." - -A genial warmth began about this time to pervade his upper crust, and -a moment after he was dashing away at a pace comparatively tremendous. - -"How about those engagements?" sneered the grinning urchin. - -"I've recollected another one," was the hasty reply. - - - - -LIX. - - -Having fastened his gaze upon a sparrow, a rattlesnake sprung open his -spanning jaws, and invited her to enter. - -"I should be most happy," said the bird, not daring to betray her -helpless condition, but anxious by any subterfuge to get the serpent -to remove his fascinating regard, "but I am lost in contemplation of -yonder green sunset, from which I am unable to look away for more -than a minute. I shall turn to it presently." - -"Do, by all means," said the serpent, with a touch of irony in his -voice. "There is nothing so improving as a good, square, green -sunset." - -"Did you happen to observe that man standing behind you with a club?" -continued the sparrow. "Handsome fellow! Fifteen cubits high, with -seven heads, and very singularly attired; quite a spectacle in his -way." - -"I don't seem to care much for men," said the snake. "Every way -inferior to serpents--except in malice." - -"But he is accompanied by a _really interesting_ child," persisted the -bird, desperately. - -The rattlesnake reflected deeply. He soliloquized as follows: - -"There is a mere chance--say about one chance to ten thousand -million--that this songster is speaking the truth. One chance in ten -thousand million of seeing a really interesting child is worth the -sacrifice demanded; I'll make it." - -So saying, he removed his glittering eyes from the bird (who -immediately took wing) and looked behind him. It is needless to say -there was no really interesting child there--nor anywhere else. - -MORAL.--Mendacity (so called from the inventors) is a very poor sort -of dacity; but it will serve your purpose if you draw it sufficiently -strong. - - - - -LX. - - -A man who was very much annoyed by the incursions of a lean ass -belonging to his neighbour, resolved to compass the destruction of the -invader. - -"Now," said he, "if this animal shall choose to starve himself to -death in the midst of plenty, the law will not hold _me_ guilty of his -blood. I have read of a trick which I think will 'fix' him." - -So he took two bales of his best hay, and placed them in a distant -field, about forty cubits apart. By means of a little salt he then -enticed the ass in, and coaxed him between the bundles. - -"There, fiend!" said he, with a diabolic grin, as he walked away -delighted with the success of his stratagem, "now hesitate which -bundle of hay to attack first, until you starve--monster!" - -Some weeks afterwards he returned with a wagon to convey back the -bundles of hay. There wasn't any hay, but the wagon was useful for -returning to his owner that unfortunate ass--who was too fat to walk. - -This ought to show any one the folly of relying upon the teaching of -obscure and inferior authors.[A] - -[Footnote A: It is to be wished our author had not laid himself open -to the imputation of having perverted, if not actually invented, some -of his facts, for the unworthy purpose of bringing a deserving rival -into disfavour.--TRANSLATOR.] - - - - -LXI. - - -One day the king of the wrens held his court for the trial of a bear, -who was at large upon his own recognizance. Being summoned to appear, -the animal came with great humility into the royal presence. - -"What have you to say, sir," demanded the king, "in defence of your -inexcusable conduct in pillaging the nests of our loyal subjects -wherever you can find them?" - -"May it please your Majesty," replied the prisoner, with a reverential -gesture, repeated at intervals, and each time at a less distance from -the royal person, "I will not wound your Majesty's sensibilities by -pleading a love of eggs; I will humbly confess my course of crime, -warn your Majesty of its probable continuance, and beg your Majesty's -gracious permission to inquire--What is your Majesty going to do about -it?" - -The king and his ministers were very much struck with this respectful -speech, with the ingenuity of the final inquiry, and with the bear's -paw. It was the paw, however, which made the most lasting impression. - -Always give ear to the flattery of your powerful inferiors: it will -cheer you in your decline. - - - - -LXII. - - -A philosopher looking up from the pages of the Zend-Avesta, upon which -he had been centring his soul, beheld a pig violently assailing a -cauldron of cold slops. - -"Heaven bless us!" said the sage; "for unalloyed delight give me a -good honest article of Sensuality. So soon as my 'Essay upon the -Correlation of Mind-forces' shall have brought me fame and fortune, I -hope to abjure the higher faculties, devoting the remainder of my life -to the cultivation of the propensities." - -"Allah be praised!" soliloquized the pig, "there is nothing so godlike -as Intellect, and nothing so ecstatic as intellectual pursuits. I must -hasten to perform this gross material function, that I may retire to -my wallow and resign my soul to philosophical meditation." - -This tale has one moral if you are a philosopher, and another if you -are a pig. - - - - -LXIII. - - -"Awful dark--isn't it?" said an owl, one night, looking in upon the -roosting hens in a poultry-house; "don't see how I am to find my way -back to my hollow tree." - -"There is no necessity," replied the cock; "you can roost there, -alongside the door, and go home in the morning." - -"Thanks!" said the owl, chuckling at the fool's simplicity; and, -having plenty of time to indulge his facetious humour, he gravely -installed himself upon the perch indicated, and shutting his eyes, -counterfeited a profound slumber. He was aroused soon after by a sharp -constriction of the throat. - -"I omitted to tell you," said the cock, "that the seat you happen by -the merest chance to occupy is a contested one, and has been fruitful -of hens to this vexatious weasel. I don't know _how_ often I have been -partially widowed by the sneaking villain." - -For obvious reasons there was no audible reply. - -This narrative is intended to teach the folly--the worse than sin!--of -trumping your partner's ace. - - - - -LXIV. - - -A fat cow who saw herself detected by an approaching horse while -perpetrating stiff and ungainly gambols in the spring sunshine, -suddenly assumed a severe gravity of gait, and a sedate solemnity of -expression that would have been creditable to a Brahmin. - -"Fine morning!" said the horse, who, fired by her example, was -curvetting lithely and tossing his head. - -"That rather uninteresting fact," replied the cow, attending strictly -to her business as a ruminant, "does not impress me as justifying your -execution of all manner of unseemly contortions, as a preliminary to -accosting an entire stranger." - -"Well, n--no," stammered the horse; "I--I suppose not. Fact is -I--I--no offence, I hope." - -And the unhappy charger walked soberly away, dazed by the -preternatural effrontery of that placid cow. - -When overcome by the dignity of any one you chance to meet, try to -have this fable about you. - - - - -LXV. - - -"What have you there on your back?" said a zebra, jeeringly, to a -"ship of the desert" in ballast. - -"Only a bale of gridirons," was the meek reply. - -"And what, pray, may you design doing with them?" was the incredulous -rejoinder. - -"What am I to do with gridirons?" repeated the camel, contemptuously. -"Nice question for _you_, who have evidently just come off one!" - -People who wish to throw stones should not live in glass houses; but -there ought to be a few in their vicinity. - - - - -LXVI. - - -A cat, waking out of a sound sleep, saw a mouse sitting just out of -reach, observing her. Perceiving that at the slightest movement of -hers the mouse would recollect an engagement, she put on a look of -extreme amiability, and said: - -"Oh! it's you, is it? Do you know, I thought at first you were a -frightful great rat; and I am _so_ afraid of rats! I feel so much -relieved--you don't know! Of course you have heard that I am a great -friend to the dear little mice?" - -[Illustration] - -"Yes," was the answer, "I have heard that you love us indifferently -well, and my mission here was to bless you while you slept. But as you -will wish to go and get your breakfast, I won't bore you. Fine -morning--isn't it? _Au revoir!"_ - -This fable teaches that it is usually safe to avoid one who pretends -to be a friend without having any reason to be. It wasn't safe in this -instance, however; for the cat went after that departing rodent, and -got away with him. - - - - -LXVII. - - -A man pursued by a lion, was about stepping into a place of safety, -when he bethought him of the power of the human eye; and, turning -about, he fixed upon his pursuer a steady look of stern reproof. The -raging beast immediately moderated his rate per hour, and finally came -to a dead halt, within a yard of the man's nose. After making a -leisurely survey of him, he extended his neck and bit off a small -section of his victim's thigh. - -"Beard of Arimanes!" roared the man; "have you no respect for the -Human Eye?" - -"I hold the human eye in profound esteem," replied the lion, "and I -confess its power. It assists digestion if taken just before a meal. -But I don't understand why you should have two and I none." - -With that he raised his foot, unsheathed his claws, and transferred -one of the gentleman's visual organs to his own mouth. - -"Now," continued he, "during the brief remainder of a squandered -existence, your lion-quelling power, being more highly concentrated, -will be the more easily managed." - -He then devoured the remnant of his victim, including the other eye. - - - - -LXVIII. - - -An ant laden with a grain of corn, which he had acquired with infinite -toil, was breasting a current of his fellows, each of whom, as is -their etiquette, insisted upon stopping him, feeling him all over, and -shaking hands. It occurred to him that an excess of ceremony is an -abuse of courtesy. So he laid down his burden, sat upon it, folded all -his legs tight to his body, and smiled a smile of great grimness. - -"Hullo! what's the matter with _you_?" exclaimed the first insect -whose overtures were declined. - -"Sick of the hollow conventionalities of a rotten civilization," was -the rasping reply. "Relapsed into the honest simplicity of primitive -observances. Go to grass!" - -"Ah! then we must trouble you for that corn. In a condition of -primitive simplicity there are no rights of property, you know. These -are 'hollow conventionalities.'" - -A light dawned upon the intellect of that pismire. He shook the reefs -out of his legs; he scratched the reverse of his ear; he grappled that -cereal, and trotted away like a giant refreshed. It was observed that -he submitted with a wealth of patience to manipulation by his friends -and neighbours, and went some distance out of his way to shake hands -with strangers on competing lines of traffic. - - - - -LXIX. - - -A snake who had lain torpid all winter in his hole took advantage of -the first warm day to limber up for the spring campaign. Having tied -himself into an intricate knot, he was so overcome by the warmth of -his own body that he fell asleep, and did not wake until nightfall. In -the darkness he was unable to find his head or his tail, and so could -not disentangle and slide into his hole. Per consequence, he froze to -death. - -Many a subtle philosopher has failed to solve himself, owing to his -inability to discern his beginning and his end. - - - - -LXX. - - -A dog finding a joint of mutton, apparently guarded by a negligent -raven, stretched himself before it with an air of intense -satisfaction. - -"Ah!" said he, alternately smiling and stopping up the smiles with -meat, "this is an instrument of salvation to my stomach--an instrument -upon which I love to perform." - -"I beg your pardon!" said the bird; "it was placed there specially for -me, by one whose right to so convey it is beyond question, he having -legally acquired it by chopping it off the original owner." - -"I detect no flaw in your abstract of title," replied the dog; "all -seems quite regular; but I must not provoke a breach of the peace by -lightly relinquishing what I might feel it my duty to resume by -violence. I must have time to consider; and in the meantime I will -dine." - -Thereupon he leisurely consumed the property in dispute, shut his -eyes, yawned, turned upon his back, thrust out his legs divergently, -and died. - -For the meat had been carefully poisoned--a fact of which the raven -was guiltily conscious. - -There are several things mightier than brute force, and arsenic[A] is -one of them. - -[Footnote A: In the original, "_pizen;"_ which might, perhaps, with -equal propriety have been rendered by "caper sauce."--TRANSLATOR.] - - - - -LXXI. - - -The King of Persia had a favourite hawk. One day his Majesty was -hunting, and had become separated from his attendants. Feeling -thirsty, he sought a stream of water trickling from a rock; took a -cup, and pouring some liquor into it from his pocket-flask, filled it -up with water, and raised it to his lips. The hawk, who had been all -this time hovering about, swooped down, screaming "No, you don't!" and -upset the cup with his wing. - -"I know what is the matter," said the King: "there is a dead serpent -in the fountain above, and this faithful bird has saved my life by not -permitting me to drink the juice. I must reward him in the regular -way." - -So he called a page, who had thoughtfully presented himself, and gave -directions to have the Remorse Apartments of the palace put in order, -and for the court tailor to prepare an evening suit of -sackcloth-and-ashes. Then summoning the hawk, he seized and dashed him -to the ground, killing him very dead. Rejoining his retinue, he -dispatched an officer to remove the body of the serpent from the -fountain, lest somebody else should get poisoned. There wasn't any -serpent--the water was remarkable for its wholesome purity! - -Then the King, cheated of his remorse, was sorry he had slain the -bird; he said it was a needless waste of power to kill a bird who -merely deserved killing. It never occurred to the King that the hawk's -touching solicitude was with reference to the contents of the royal -flask. - -_Fabula ostendit_ that a "twice-told tale" needs not necessarily be -"tedious"; a reasonable degree of interest may be obtained by -intelligently varying the details. - - - - -LXXII. - - -A herd of cows, blown off the summit of the Himalayas, were sailing -some miles above the valleys, when one said to another: - -"Got anything to say about this?" - -"Not much," was the answer. "It's airy." - -"I wasn't thinking of that," continued the first; "I am troubled about -our course. If we could leave the Pleiades a little more to the right, -striking a middle course between Booetes and the ecliptic, we should -find it all plain sailing as far as the solstitial colure. But once we -get into the Zodiac upon our present bearing, we are certain to meet -with shipwreck before reaching our aphelion." - -They escaped this melancholy fate, however, for some Chaldean -shepherds, seeing a nebulous cloud drifting athwart the heavens, and -obscuring a favourite planet they had just invented, brought out their -most powerful telescopes and resolved it into independent cows--whom -they proceeded to slaughter in detail with the instruments of smaller -calibre. There have been occasional "meat showers" ever since. These -are probably nothing more than-- - -[Our author can be depended upon in matters of fact; his scientific -theories are not worth printing.--TRANSLATOR.] - - - - -LXXIII. - - -A bear, who had worn himself out walking from one end of his cage to -the other, addressed his keeper thus: - -"I say, friend, if you don't procure me a shorter cage I shall have to -give up zoology; it is about the most wearing pursuit I ever engaged -in. I favour the advancement of science, but the mechanical part of it -is a trifle severe, and ought to be done by contract." - -"You are quite right, my hearty," said the keeper, "it _is_ severe; -and there have been several excellent plans proposed to lighten the -drudgery. Pending the adoption of some of them, you would find a -partial relief in lying down and keeping quiet." - -"It won't do--it won't do!" replied the bear, with a mournful shake -of the head, "it's not the orthodox thing. Inaction may do for -professors, collectors, and others connected with the ornamental part -of the noble science; but for _us_, we must keep moving, or zoology -would soon revert to the crude guesses and mistaken theories of the -azoic period. And yet," continued the beast, after the keeper had -gone, "there is something novel and ingenious in what the underling -suggests. I must remember that; and when I have leisure, give it a -trial." - -It was noted next day that the noble science had lost an active -apostle, and gained a passive disciple. - - - - -LXXIV. - - -A hen who had hatched out a quantity of ducklings, was somewhat -surprised one day to see them take to the water, and sail away out of -her jurisdiction. The more she thought of this the more unreasonable -such conduct appeared, and the more indignant she became. She resolved -that it must cease forthwith. So she soon afterward convened her -brood, and conducted them to the margin of a hot pool, having a -business connection with the boiling spring of Doo-sno-swair. They -straightway launched themselves for a cruise--returning immediately to -the land, as if they had forgotten their ship's papers. - -When Callow Youth exhibits an eccentric tendency, give it him hot. - - - - -LXXV. - - -"Did it ever occur to you that this manner of thing is extremely -unpleasant?" asked a writhing worm of the angler who had impaled him -upon a hook. "Such treatment by those who boast themselves our -brothers is, possibly, fraternal--but it hurts." - -"I confess," replied the idler, "that our usages with regard to vermin -and reptiles might be so amended as to be more temperately diabolical; -but please to remember that the gentle agonies with which we afflict -_you_ are wholesome and exhilarating compared with the ills we ladle -out to one another. During the reign of His Pellucid Refulgence, -Khatchoo Khan," he continued, absently dropping his wriggling auditor -into the brook, "no less than three hundred thousand Persian subjects -were put to death, in a pleasing variety of ingenious ways, for their -religious beliefs." - -"What that has to do with your treatment of _us_" interrupted a fish, -who, having bitten at the worm just then, was drawn into the -conversation, "I am quite unable to see." - -"That," said the angler, disengaging him, "is because you have the -hook through your eyeball, my edible friend." - -Many a truth is spoken in jest; but at least ten times as many -falsehoods are uttered in dead earnest. - - - - -LXXVI. - - -A wild cat was listening with rapt approval to the melody of distant -hounds tracking a remote fox. - -"Excellent! _bravo!_" she exclaimed at intervals. "I could sit and -listen all day to the like of that. I am passionately fond of music. -_Ong-core!_" - -Presently the tuneful sounds drew near, whereupon she began to fidget; -ending by shinning up a tree, just as the dogs burst into view below -her, and stifled their songs upon the body of their victim before her -eyes--which protruded. - -[Illustration] - -"There is an indefinable charm," said she--"a subtle and tender -spell--a mystery--a conundrum, as it were--in the sounds of an unseen -orchestra. This is quite lost when the performers are visible to the -audience. Distant music (if any) for your obedient servant!" - - - - -LXXVII. - - -Having been taught to turn his scraps of bad Persian into choice -Latin, a parrot was puffed up with conceit. - -"Observe," said he, "the superiority I may boast by virtue of my -classical education: I can chatter flat nonsense in the language of -Cicero." - -"I would advise you," said his master, quietly, "to let it be of a -different character from that chattered by some of Mr. Cicero's most -admired compatriots, if you value the priviledge of hanging at that -public window. 'Commit no mythology,' please." - -The exquisite fancies of a remote age may not be imitated in this; -not, perhaps, from a lack of talent, so much as from a fear of arrest. - - - - -LXXVIII. - - -A rat, finding a file, smelt it all over, bit it gently, and observed -that, as it did not seem to be rich enough to produce dyspepsia, he -would venture to make a meal of it. So he gnawed it into -_smithareens_[A] without the slightest injury to his teeth. With his -morals the case was somewhat different. For the file was a file of -newspapers, and his system became so saturated with the "spirit of the -Press" that he went off and called his aged father a "lingering -contemporary;" advised the correction of brief tails by amputation; -lauded the skill of a quack rodentist for money; and, upon what would -otherwise have been his death-bed, essayed a lie of such phenomenal -magnitude that it stuck in his throat, and prevented him breathing -his last. All this crime, and misery, and other nonsense, because he -was too lazy to worry about and find a file of nutritious fables. - -This tale shows the folly of eating everything you happen to fancy. -Consider, moreover, the danger of such a course to your neighbour's -wife. - -[Footnote A: I confess my inability to translate this word: it may -mean "flinders."--TRANSLATOR.] - - - - -LXXIX. - - -"I should like to climb up you, if you don't mind," cried an ivy to a -young oak. - -"Oh, certainly; come along," was the cheerful assent. - -So she started up, and finding she could grow faster than he, she -wound round and round him until she had passed up all the line she -had. The oak, however, continued to grow, and as she could not -disengage her coils, she was just lifted out by the root. So that ends -the oak-and-ivy business, and removes a powerful temptation from the -path of the young writer. - - - - -LXXX. - - -A merchant of Cairo gave a grand feast. In the midst of the revelry, -the great doors of the dining-hall were pushed open from the outside, -and the guests were surprised and grieved by the advent of a crocodile -of a tun's girth, and as long as the moral law. - -"Thought I 'd look in," said he, simply, but not without a certain -grave dignity. - -"But," cried the host, from the top of the table, "I did not invite -any saurians." - -"No--I know yer didn't; it's the old thing, it is: never no wacancies -for saurians--saurians should orter keep theirselves _to_ -theirselves--no saurians need apply. I got it all by 'eart, I tell -yer. But don't give yerself no distress; I didn't come to beg; thank -'eaven I ain't drove to that yet--leastwise I ain't done it. But I -thought as 'ow yer'd need a dish to throw slops and broken wittles in -it; which I fetched along this 'ere." - -And the willing creature lifted off the cover by erecting the upper -half of his head till the snout of him smote the ceiling. - -Open servitude is better than covert begging. - - - - -LXXXI. - - -A gander being annoyed by the assiduous attendance of his ugly -reflection in the water, determined that he would prosecute future -voyages in a less susceptible element. So he essayed a sail upon the -placid bosom of a clay-bank. This kind of navigation did not meet his -expectations, however, and he returned with dogged despair to his -pond, resolved to make a final cruise and go out of commission. He was -delighted to find that the clay adhering to his hull so defiled the -water that it gave back no image of him. After that, whenever he left -port, he was careful to be well clayed along the water-line. - -The lesson of this is that if all geese are alike, we can banish -unpleasant reflections by befouling ourselves. This is worth knowing. - - - - -LXXXII. - - -The belly and the members of the human body were in a riot. (This is -not the riot recorded by an inferior writer, but a more notable and -authentic one.) After exhausting the well-known arguments, they had -recourse to the appropriate threat, when the man to whom they -belonged thought it time for _him_ to be heard, in his capacity as a -unit. - -"Deuce take you!" he roared. "Things have come to a pretty pass if a -fellow cannot walk out of a fine morning without alarming the town by -a disgraceful squabble between his component parts! I am reasonably -impartial, I hope, but man's devotion is due to his deity: I espouse -the cause of my belly." - -Hearing this, the members were thrown into so extraordinary confusion -that the man was arrested for a windmill. - -As a rule, don't "take sides." Sides of bacon, however, may be -temperately acquired. - - - - -LXXXIII. - - -A man dropping from a balloon struck against a soaring eagle. - -"I beg your pardon," said he, continuing his descent; "I never _could_ -keep off eagles when in my descending node." - -"It is agreeable to meet so pleasing a gentleman, even without -previous appointment," said the bird, looking admiringly down upon the -lessening aeronaut; "he is the very pink of politeness. How extremely -nice his liver must be. I will follow him down and arrange his simple -obsequies." - -This fable is narrated for its intrinsic worth. - - - - -LXXXIV. - - -To escape from a peasant who had come suddenly upon him, an opossum -adopted his favourite expedient of counterfeiting death. - -"I suppose," said the peasant, "that ninety-nine men in a hundred -would go away and leave this poor creature's body to the beasts of -prey." [It is notorious that man is the only living thing that will -eat the animal.] "But _I_ will give him good burial." - -So he dug a hole, and was about tumbling him into it, when a solemn -voice appeared to emanate from the corpse: "Let the dead bury their -dead!" - -"Whatever spirit hath wrought this miracle," cried the peasant, -dropping upon his knees, "let him but add the trifling explanation of -_how_ the dead can perform this or any similar rite, and I am -obedience itself. Otherwise, in goes Mr. 'Possum by these hands." - -"Ah!" meditated the unhappy beast, "I have performed one miracle, but -I can't keep it up all day, you know. The explanation demanded is a -trifle too heavy for even the ponderous ingenuity of a marsupial." - -And he permitted himself to be sodded over. - -If the reader knows what lesson is conveyed by this narrative, he -knows--just what the writer knows. - - - - -LXXXV. - - -Three animals on board a sinking ship prepared to take to the water. -It was agreed among them that the bear should be lowered alongside; -the mouse (who was to act as pilot) should embark upon him at once, to -beat off the drowning sailors; and the monkey should follow, with -provisions for the expedition--which arrangement was successfully -carried out. The fourth day out from the wreck, the bear began to -propound a series of leading questions concerning dinner; when it -appeared that the monkey had provided but a single nut. - -"I thought this would keep me awhile," he explained, "and you could -eat the pilot." - -Hearing this, the mouse vanished like a flash into the bear's ear, -and fearing the hungry beast would then demand the nut, the monkey -hastily devoured it. Not being in a position to insist upon his -rights, the bear merely gobbled up the monkey. - - - - -[Illustration] - - -LXXXVI. - - -A lamb suffering from thirst went to a brook to drink. Putting his -nose to the water, he was interested to feel it bitten by a fish. Not -liking fish, he drew back and sought another place; but his persecutor -getting there before him administered the same rebuff. The lamb being -rather persevering, and the fish having no appointments for that day, -this was repeated a few thousand times, when the former felt justified -in swearing: - -"I'm eternally boiled!" said he, "if ever I experienced so many fish -in all my life. It is discouraging. It inspires me with mint sauce and -green peas." - -He probably meant amazement and fear; under the influence of powerful -emotions even lambs will talk "shop." - -"Well, good bye," said his tormentor, taking a final nip at the -animal's muzzle; "I should like to amuse you some more; but I have -other fish to fry." - -This tale teaches a good quantity of lessons; but it does _not_ teach -why this fish should have persecuted this lamb. - - - - -LXXXVII. - - -A mole, in pursuing certain geological researches, came upon the -buried carcase of a mule, and was about to tunnel him. - -"Slow down, my good friend," said the deceased. "Push your mining -operations in a less sacrilegious direction. Respect the dead, as you -hope for death!" - -"You have that about you," said the gnome, "that must make your grave -respected in a certain sense, for at least such a period as your -immortal part may require for perfect exhalation. The immunity I -accord is not conceded to your sanctity, but extorted by your scent. -The sepulchres of moles only are sacred." - -To moles, the body of a lifeless mule -A dead mule's carcase is, and nothing more. - - - - -LXXXVIII. - - -"I think I'll set my sting into you, my obstructive friend," said a -bee to an iron pump against which she had flown; "you are always more -or less in the way." - -"If you do," retorted the other, "I'll pump on you, if I can get any -one to work my handle." - -Exasperated by this impotent conservative threat, she pushed her -little dart against him with all her vigour. When she tried to sheathe -it again she couldn't, but she still made herself useful about the -hive by hooking on to small articles and dragging them about. But no -other bee would sleep with her after this; and so, by her ill-judged -resentment, she was self-condemmed to a solitary cell. - -The young reader may profitably beware. - - - - -LXXXIX. - - -A Chinese dog, who had been much abroad with his master, was asked, -upon his return, to state the most ludicrous fact he had observed. - -"There is a country," said he, "the people of which are eternally -speaking about 'Persian honesty,' 'Persian courage,' 'Persian -loyalty,' 'Persian love of fair play,' &c., as if the Persians enjoyed -a clear monopoly of these universal virtues. What is more, they speak -thus in blind good faith--with a dense gravity of conviction that is -simply amazing." - -"But," urged the auditors, "we requested something ludicrous, not -amazing." - -"Exactly; the ludicrous part is the name of their country, which is--" - -"What?" - -"Persia." - - - - -XC. - - -There was a calf, who, suspecting the purity of the milk supplied him -by his dam, resolved to transfer his patronage to the barn-yard pump. - -"Better," said he, "a pure article of water, than a diet that is -neither fish, flesh, nor fowl." - -But, although extremely regular in his new diet--taking it all the -time--he did not seem to thrive as might have been expected. The -larger orders he drew, the thinner and the more transparent he became; -and at last, when the shadow of his person had become to him a vague -and unreal memory, he repented, and applied to be reinstated in his -comfortable sinecure at the maternal udder. - -"Ah! my prodigal son," said the old lady, lowering her horns as if to -permit him to weep upon her neck, "I regret that it is out of my power -to celebrate your return by killing the fatted calf; but what I can I -will do." - -And she killed him instead. - -_Mot herl yaff ecti onk nocksal loth ervir tu esperfec tlyc old_.[A] - -[Footnote A: The learned reader will appreciate the motive which has -prompted me to give this moral only in the original Persian.--TRANSLATOR.] - - - - -XCI. - - -"There, now," said a kitten, triumphantly, laying a passive mouse at -the feet of her mother. "I flatter myself I am coming on with a -reasonable degree of rapidity. What will become of the minor -quadrupeds when I have attained my full strength and ferocity, it is -mournful to conjecture!" - -"Did he give you much trouble?" inquired the aged ornament of the -hearth-side, with a look of tender solicitude. - -"Trouble!" echoed the kitten, "I never had such a fight in all my -life! He was a downright savage--in his day." - -"My Falstaffian issue," rejoined the Tabby, dropping her eyelids and -composing her head for a quiet sleep, "the above is a _toy_ mouse." - - - - -XCII. - - -A crab who had travelled from the mouth of the Indus all the way to -Ispahan, knocked, with much chuckling, at the door of the King's -physician. - -"Who's there?" shouted the doctor, from his divan within. - -"A bad case of _cancer_," was the complacent reply. - -"Good!" returned the doctor; "I'll _cure_ you, my friend." - -So saying, he conducted his facetious patient into the kitchen, and -potted him in pickle. It cured him--of practical jocularity. - -May the fable heal _you_, if you are afflicted with that form of evil. - - - - -XCIII. - - -A certain magician owned a learned pig, who had lived a cleanly -gentlemanly life, achieving great fame, and winning the hearts of all -the people. But perceiving he was not happy, the magician, by a -process easily explained did space permit, transformed him into a man. -Straightway the creature abandoned his cards, his timepiece, his -musical instruments, and all other devices of his profession, and -betook him to a pool of mud, wherein he inhumed himself to the tip of -his nose. - -"Ten minutes ago," said the magician reprovingly, "you would have -scorned to do an act like that." - -"True," replied the biped, with a contented grunt; "I was then a -learned pig; I am now a learned man." - - - - -XCIV. - - -"Nature has been very kind to her creatures," said a giraffe to an -elephant. "For example, your neck being so very short, she has given -you a proboscis wherewith to reach your food; and I having no -proboscis, she has bestowed upon me a long neck." - -"I think, my good friend, you have been among the theologians," said -the elephant. "I doubt if I am clever enough to argue with you. I can -only say it does not strike me that way." - -"But, really," persisted the giraffe, "you must confess your trunk is -a great convenience, in that it enables you to reach the high branches -of which you are so fond, even as my long neck enables me." - -"Perhaps," mused the ungrateful pachyderm, "if we could not reach the -higher branches, we should develop a taste for the lower ones." - -"In any case," was the rejoinder, "we can never be sufficiently -thankful that we are unlike the lowly hippopotamus, who can reach -neither the one nor the other." - -"Ah! yes," the elephant assented, "there does not seem to have been -enough of Nature's kindness to go round." - -"But the hippopotamus has his roots and his rushes." - -"It is not easy to see how, with his present appliances, he could -obtain anything else." - -This fable teaches nothing; for those who perceive the meaning of it -either knew it before, or will not be taught. - - - - -XCV. - - -A pious heathen who was currying favour with his wooden deity by -sitting for some years motionless in a treeless plain, observed a -young ivy putting forth her tender shoots at his feet. He thought he -could endure the additional martyrdom of a little shade, and begged -her to make herself quite at home. - -"Exactly," said the plant; "it is my mission to adorn venerable -ruins." - -She lapped her clinging tendrils about his wasted shanks, and in six -months had mantled him in green. - -"It is now time," said the devotee, a year later, "for me to fulfil -the remainder of my religious vow. I must put in a few seasons of -howling and leaping. You have been very good, but I no longer require -your gentle ministrations." - -"But I require yours," replied the vine; "you have become a second -nature to me. Let others indulge in the delights of gymnastic worship; -you and I will 'surfer and be strong'--respectively." - -The devotee muttered something about the division of labour, and his -bones are still pointed out to the pilgrim. - - - - -XCVI. - - -A fox seeing a swan afloat, called out: - -"What ship is that? I wish to take passage by your line." - -"Got a ticket?" inquired the fowl. - -"No; I'll make it all right with the company, though." - -So the swan moored alongside, and he embarked,--deck passage. When -they were well off shore the fox intimated that dinner would be -agreeable. - -"I would advise you not to try the ship's provisions," said the bird; -"we have only salt meat on board. Beware the scurvy!" - -"You are quite right," replied the passenger; "I'll see if I can stay -my stomach with the foremast." - -So saying he bit off her neck, and she immediately capsizing, he was -drowned. - -MORAL--highly so, but not instructive. - - - - -XCVII. - - -A monkey finding a heap of cocoa-nuts, gnawed into one, then dropped -it, gagging hideously. - -"Now, this is what _I_ call perfectly disgusting!" said he: "I can -never leave anything lying about but some one comes along and puts a -quantity of nasty milk into it!" - -A cat just then happening to pass that way began rolling the -cocoa-nuts about with her paw. - -"Yeow!" she exclaimed; "it is enough to vex the soul of a cast-iron -dog! Whenever I set out any milk to cool, somebody comes and seals it -up tight as a drum!" - -Then perceiving one another, and each thinking the other the offender, -these enraged animals contended, and wrought a mutual extermination. -Whereby two worthy consumers were lost to society, and a quantity of -excellent food had to be given to the poor. - - - - -XCVIII. - - -A mouse who had overturned an earthern jar was discovered by a cat, -who entered from an adjoining room and began to upbraid him in the -harshest and most threatening manner. - -"You little wretch!" said she, "how dare you knock over that valuable -urn? If it had been filled with hot water, and I had been lying before -it asleep, I should have been scalded to death." - -"If it had been full of water," pleaded the mouse, "it would not have -upset." - -[Illustration] - -"But I might have lain down in it, monster!" persisted the cat. - -"No, you couldn't," was the answer; "it is not wide enough." - -"Fiend!" shrieked the cat, smashing him with her paw; "I can curl up -real small when I try." - -The _ultima ratio_ of very angry people is frequently addressed to the -ear of the dead. - - - - -XCIX. - - -In crossing a frozen pool, a monkey slipped and fell, striking upon -the back of his head with considerable force, so that the ice was very -much shattered. A peacock, who was strutting about on shore thinking -what a pretty peacock he was, laughed immoderately at the mishap. -N.B.--All laughter is immoderate when a fellow is hurt--if the fellow -is oneself. - -"Bah!" exclaimed the sufferer; "if you could see the beautiful -prismatic tints I have knocked into this ice, you would laugh out of -the other side of your bill. The splendour of your tail is quite -eclipsed." - -Thus craftily did he inveigle the vain bird, who finally came and -spread his tail alongside the fracture for comparison. The gorgeous -feathers at once froze fast to the ice, and--in short, that artless -fowl passed a very uncomfortable winter. - - - - -C. - - -A volcano, having discharged a few million tons of stones upon a small -village, asked the mayor if he thought that a tolerably good supply -for building purposes. - -"I think," replied that functionary, "if you give us another dash of -granite, and just a pinch of old red sandstone, we could manage with -what you have already done for us. We would, however, be grateful for -the loan of your crater to bake bricks." - -"Oh, certainly; parties served at their residences." Then, after the -man had gone, the mountain added, with mingled lava and contempt: "The -most insatiable people I ever contracted to supply. They shall not -have another pebble!" - -He banked his fires, and in six weeks was as cold as a neglected -pudding. Then might you have seen the heaving of the surface boulders, -as the people began stirring forty fathoms beneath. - -When you have got quite enough of anything, make it manifest by asking -for some more. You won't get it. - - - - -CI. - - -"I entertain for you a sentiment of profound amity," said the tiger to -the leopard. "And why should I not? for are we not members of the same -great feline family?" - -"True," replied the leopard, who was engaged in the hopeless endeavour -to change his spots; "since we have mutually plundered one another's -hunting grounds of everything edible, there remains no grievance to -quarrel about. You are a good fellow; let us embrace!" - -They did so with the utmost heartiness; which being observed by a -contiguous monkey, that animal got up a tree, where he delivered -himself of the wisdom following: - -"There is nothing so touching as these expressions of mutual regard -between animals who are vulgarly believed to hate one another. They -render the brief intervals of peace almost endurable to both parties. -But the difficulty is, there are so many excellent reasons why these -relatives should live in peace, that they won't have time to state -them all before the next fight." - - - - -CII. - - -A woodpecker, who had bored a multitude of holes in the body of a dead -tree, was asked by a robin to explain their purpose. - -"As yet, in the infancy of science," replied the woodpecker, "I am -quite unable to do so. Some naturalists affirm that I hide acorns in -these pits; others maintain that I get worms out of them. I -endeavoured for some time to reconcile the two theories; but the worms -ate my acorns, and then would not come out. Since then, I have left -science to work out its own problems, while I work out the holes. I -hope the final decision may be in some way advantageous to me; for at -my nest I have a number of prepared holes which I can hammer into some -suitable tree at a moment's notice. Perhaps I could insert a few into -the scientific head." - -"No-o-o," said the robin, reflectively, "I should think not. A -prepared hole is an idea; I don't think it could get in." - -MORAL.--It might be driven in with a steam-hammer. - - - - -CIII. - - -"Are you going to this great hop?" inquired a spruce cricket of a -labouring beetle. - -"No," replied he, sadly, "I've got to attend this great ball." - -"Blest if I know the difference," drawled a more offensive insect, -with his head in an empty silk hat; "and I've been in society all my -life. But why was I not invited to either hop or ball?" - -He is now invited to the latter. - - - - -CIV. - - -"Too bad, too bad," said a young Abyssinian to a yawning hippopotamus. - -"What is 'too bad?'" inquired the quadruped. "What is the matter with -you?" - -"Oh, _I_ never complain," was the reply; "I was only thinking of the -niggard economy of Nature in building a great big beast like you and -not giving him any mouth." - -"H'm, h'm! it was still worse," mused the beast, "to construct a -great wit like you and give him no seasonable occasion for the display -of his cleverness." - -A moment later there were a cracking of bitten bones, a great gush of -animal fluids, the vanishing of two black feet--in short, the fatal -poisoning of an indiscreet hippopotamus. - -The rubbing of a bit of lemon about the beaker's brim is the -finishing-touch to a whiskey punch. Much misery may be thus averted. - - - - -CV. - - -A salmon vainly attempted to leap up a cascade. After trying a few -thousand times, he grew so fatigued that he began to leap less and -think more. Suddenly an obvious method of surmounting the difficulty -presented itself to the salmonic intelligence. - -"Strange," he soliloquized, as well as he could in the water,--"very -strange I did not think of it before! I'll go above the fall and leap -downwards." - -So he went out on the bank, walked round to the upper side of the -fall, and found he could leap over quite easily. Ever afterwards when -he went up-stream in the spring to be caught, he adopted this plan. He -has been heard to remark that the price of salmon might be brought -down to a merely nominal figure, if so many would not wear themselves -out before getting up to where there is good fishing. - - - - -CVI. - - -"The son of a jackass," shrieked a haughty mare to a mule who had -offended her by expressing an opinion, "should cultivate the simple -grace of intellectual humility." - -"It is true," was the meek reply, "I cannot boast an illustrious -ancestry; but at least I shall never be called upon to blush for my -posterity. Yonder mule colt is as proper a son--" - -"Yonder mule colt?" interrupted the mare, with a look of ineffable -contempt for her auditor; "that is _my_ colt!" - -"The consort of a jackass and the mother of mules," retorted he, -quietly, "should cultivate the simple thingamy of intellectual -whatsitsname." - -The mare muttered something about having some shopping to do, threw on -her harness, and went out to call a cab. - - - - -CVII. - - -"Hi! hi!" squeaked a pig, running after a hen who had just left her -nest; "I say, mum, you dropped this 'ere. It looks wal'able; which I -fetched it along!" And splitting his long face, he laid a warm egg at -her feet. - -"You meddlesome bacon!" cackled the ungrateful bird; "if you don't -take that orb directly back, I 'll sit on you till I hatch you out of -your saddle-cover!" - -MORAL.--Virtue is its only reward. - - - - -CVIII. - - -A rustic, preparing to devour an apple, was addressed by a brace of -crafty and covetous birds: - -"Nice apple that," said one, critically examining it. "I don't wish to -disparage it--wouldn't say a word against that vegetable for all the -world. But I never can look upon an apple of that variety without -thinking of my poisoned nestling! Ah! so plump, and rosy, -and--rotten!" - -"Just so," said the other. "And you remember my good father, who -perished in that orchard. Strange that so fair a skin should cover so -vile a heart!" - -Just then another fowl came flying up. - -[Illustration] - -"I came in, all haste," said he, "to warn you about that fruit. My -late lamented wife ate some off the same tree. Alas! how comely to the -eye, and how essentially noxious!" - -"I am very grateful," the young man said; "but I am unable to -comprehend how the sight of this pretty piece of painted confectionery -should incite you all to slander your dead relations." - -Whereat there was confusion in the demeanour of that feathered trio. - - - - -CIX. - - -"The Millennium is come," said a lion to a lamb. "Suppose you come out -of that fold, and let us lie down together, as it has been foretold we -should." - -"Been to dinner to-day?" inquired the lamb. - -"Not a bite of anything since breakfast," was the reply, "except a few -lean swine, a saddle or two, and some old harness." - -"I distrust a Millennium," continued the lamb, thoughtfully, "which -consists _solely_ in our lying down together. My notion of that happy -time is that it is a period in which pork and leather are not articles -of diet, but in which every respectable lion shall have as much mutton -as he can consume. However, you may go over to yonder sunny hill and -lie down until I come." - -It is singular how a feeling of security tends to develop cunning. If -that lamb had been out upon the open plain he would have readily -fallen into the snare--and it was studded very thickly with teeth. - - - - -CX. - - -"I say, you!" bawled a fat ox in a stall to a lusty young ass who was -braying outside; "the like of that is not in good taste!" - -"In whose good taste, my adipose censor?" inquired the ass, not too -respectfully. - -"Why--h'm--ah! I mean it does not suit _me_. You ought to bellow." - -"May I inquire how it happens to be any of your business whether I -bellow or bray, or do both--or neither?" - -"I cannot tell you," answered the critic, shaking his head -despondingly; "I do not at all understand it. I can only say that I -have been accustomed to censure all discourse that differs from my -own." - -"Exactly," said the ass; "you have sought to make an art of -impertinence by mistaking preferences for principles. In 'taste' you -have invented a word incapable of definition, to denote an idea -impossible of expression; and by employing in connection therewith the -words 'good' and 'bad,' you indicate a merely subjective process in -terms of an objective quality. Such presumption transcends the limit -of the merely impudent, and passes into the boundless empyrean of pure -cheek!" - -At the close of this remarkable harangue, the bovine critic was at a -loss for language to express his disapproval. So he said the speech -was in bad taste. - - - - -CXI. - - -A bloated toad, studded with dermal excrescences, was boasting that -she was the wartiest creature alive. - -"Perhaps you are," said her auditor, emerging from the soil; "but it -is a barren and superficial honour. Look at me: I am one solid mole!" - - - - -CXII. - - -"It is very difficult getting on in the world," sighed a weary snail; -"very difficult indeed, with such high rents!" - -"You don't mean to say you pay anything for that old rookery!" said a -slug, who was characteristically insinuating himself between the stems -of the celery intended for dinner. "A miserable old shanty like that, -without stables, grounds, or any modern conveniences!" - -"Pay!" said the snail, contemptuously; "I'd like to see you get a -semi-detatched villa like this at a nominal rate!" - -"Why don't you let your upper apartments to a respectable single -party?" urged the slug. - -The answer is not recorded. - - - - -CXIII. - - -A hare, pursued by a dog, sought sanctuary in the den of a wolf. It -being after business hours, the latter was at home to him. - -"Ah!" panted the hare; "how very fortunate! I feel quite safe here, -for you dislike dogs quite as much as I do." - -"Your security, my small friend," replied the wolf, "depends not upon -those points in which you and I agree, but upon those in which I and -the dog differ." - -"Then you mean to eat me?" inquired the timorous puss. - -"No-o-o," drawled the wolf, reflectively, "I should not like to -promise _that_; I mean to eat a part of you. There may be a tuft of -fur, and a toe-nail or two, left for you to go on with. I am hungry, -but I am not hoggish." - -"The distinction is too fine for me," said the hare, scratching her -head. - -"That, my friend, is because you have not made a practice of -hare-splitting. I have." - - - - -CXIV. - - -"Oyster at home?" inquired a monkey, rapping at the closed shell. - -There was no reply. Dropping the knocker, he laid hold of the -bell-handle, ringing a loud peal, but without effect. - -"Hum, hum!" he mused, with a look of disappointment, "gone to the sea -side, I suppose." - -So he turned away, thinking he would call again later in the season; -but he had not proceeded far before he conceived a brilliant idea. -Perhaps there had been a suicide!--or a murder! He would go back and -force the door. By way of doing so he obtained a large stone, and -smashed in the roof. There had been no murder to justify such -audacity, so he committed one. - -The funeral was gorgeous. There were mute oysters with wands, drunken -oysters with scarves and hat-bands, a sable hearse with hearth-dusters -on it, a swindling undertaker's bill, and all the accessories of a -first-rate churchyard circus--everything necessary but the corpse. -That had been disposed of by the monkey, and the undertaker meanly -withheld the use of his own. - -MORAL.--A lamb foaled in March makes the best pork when his horns have -attained the length of an inch. - - - - -CXV. - - -"Pray walk into my parlour," said the spider to the fly. -"That is not quite original," the latter made reply. -"If that's the way you plagiarize, your fame will be a fib-- -But I'll walk into your parlour, while I pitch into your crib. -But before I cross your threshold, sir, if I may make so free, -Pray let me introduce to you my friend, 'the wicked flea.'" -"How do you?" says the spider, as his welcome he extends; -"'How doth the busy little bee,' and all our other friends?" -"Quite well, I think, and quite unchanged," the flea said; "though I learn, -In certain quarters well informed, 'tis feared 'the worm will turn.'" -"Humph!" said the fly; "I do not understand this talk--not I!" -"It is 'classical allusion,'" said the spider to the fly. - - - - -CXVI. - - -A polar bear navigating the mid-sea upon the mortal part of a late -lamented walrus, soliloquized, in substance, as follows: - -"Such liberty of action as I am afflicted with is enough to embarrass -any bear that ever bore. I can remain passive, and starve; or I can -devour my ship, and drown. I am really unable to decide." - -So he sat down to think it over. He considered the question in all its -aspects, until he grew quite thin; turned it over and over in his mind -until he was too weak to sit up; meditated upon it with a constantly -decreasing pulse, a rapidly failing respiration. But he could not make -up his mind, and finally expired without having come to a decision. - -It appears to me he might almost as well have chosen starvation, at a -venture. - - - - -CXVII. - - -A sword-fish having penetrated seven or eight feet into the bottom of -a ship, under the impression that he was quarrelling with a whale, was -unable to draw out of the fight. The sailors annoyed him a good deal, -by pounding with handspikes upon that portion of his horn inside; but -he bore it as bravely as he could, putting the best possible face -upon the matter, until he saw a shark swimming by, of whom he inquired -the probable destination of the ship. - -"Italy, I think," said the other, grinning. "I have private reasons -for believing her cargo consists mainly of consumptives." - -"Ah!" exclaimed the captive; "Italy, delightful clime of the cerulean -orange--the rosy olive! Land of the night-blooming Jesuit, and the -fragrant _laszarone_! It would be heavenly to run down gondolas in the -streets of Venice! I _must_ go to Italy." - -"Indeed you must," said the shark, darting suddenly aft, where he had -caught the gleam of shotted canvas through the blue waters. - -But it was fated to be otherwise: some days afterwards the ship and -fish passed over a sunken rock which almost grazed the keel. Then the -two parted company, with mutual expressions of tender regard, and a -report which could be traced by those on board to no trustworthy -source. - -The foregoing fable shows that a man of good behaviour need not care -for money, and _vice versa_. - - - - -CXVIII. - - -A facetious old cat seeing her kitten sleeping in a bath tub, went -down into the cellar and turned on the hot water. (For the convenience -of the bathers the bath was arranged in that way; you had to undress, -and then go down to the cellar to let on the wet.) No sooner did the -kitten remark the unfamiliar sensation, than he departed thence with a -willingness quite creditable in one who was not a professional -acrobat, and met his mother on the kitchen stairs. - -"Aha! my steaming hearty!" cried the elder grimalkin; "I coveted you -when I saw the cook put you in the dinner-pot. If I have a weakness, -it is hare--hare nicely dressed, and partially boiled." - -Whereupon she made a banquet of her suffering offspring.[A] - -Adversity works a stupendous change in tender youth; many a young man -is never recognized by his parents after having been in hot water. - -[Footnote A: Here should have followed the appropriate and obvious -classical allusion. It is known our fabulist was classically educated. -Why, then, this disgraceful omission?--TRANSLATOR.] - - - - -CXIX. - - -"It is a waste of valour for us to do battle," said a lame ostrich to -a negro who had suddenly come upon her in the desert; "let us cast -lots to see who shall be considered the victor, and then go about our -business." - -To this proposition the negro readily assented. They cast lots: the -negro cast lots of stones, and the ostrich cast lots of feathers. Then -the former went about his business, which consisted of skinning the -bird. - -MORAL.--There is nothing like the arbitrament of chance. That form of -it known as _trile-bi-joorie_ is perhaps as good as any. - - - - -CXX. - - -An author who had wrought a book of fables (the merit whereof -transcended expression) was peacefully sleeping atop of the modest -eminence to which he had attained, when he was rudely awakened by a -throng of critics, emitting adverse judgment upon the tales he had -builded. - -[Illustration] - -"Apparently," said he, "I have been guilty of some small grains of -unconsidered wisdom, and the same have proven a bitterness to these -excellent folk, the which they will not abide. Ah, well! those who -produce the Strasburg _pate_ and the feather-pillow are prone to -regard _us_ as rival creators. I presume it is in course of nature for -him who grows the pen to censure the manner of its use." - -So speaking, he executed a smile a hand's-breath in extent, and -resumed his airy dream of dropping ducats. - - - - -CXXI. - - -For many years an opossum had anointed his tail with bear's oil, but -it remained stubbornly bald-headed. At last his patience was -exhausted, and he appealed to Bruin himself, accusing him of breaking -faith, and calling him a quack. - -"Why, you insolent marsupial!" retorted the bear in a rage; "you -expect my oil to give you hair upon your tail, when it will not give -me even a tail. Why don't you try under-draining, or top-dressing with -light compost?" - -They said and did a good deal more before the opossum withdrew his -cold and barren member from consideration; but the judicious fabulist -does not encumber his tale with extraneous matter, lest it be -pointless. - - - - -CXXII. - - -"So disreputable a lot as you are I never saw!" said a sleepy rat to -the casks in a wine-cellar. "Always making night hideous with your -hoops and hollows, and disfiguring the day with your bunged-up -appearance. There is no sleeping when once the wine has got into your -heads. I'll report you to the butler!" - -"The sneaking tale-bearer," said the casks. "Let us beat him with our -staves." - -"_Requiescat in pace_," muttered a learned cobweb, sententiously. - -"Requires a cat in the place, does it?" shrieked the rat. "Then I'm -off!" - -To explain all the wisdom imparted by this fable would require the pen -of a pig, and volumes of smoke. - - - - -CXXIII. - - -A giraffe having trodden upon the tail of a poodle, that animal flew -into a blind rage, and wrestled valorously with the invading foot. - -"Hullo, sonny!" said the giraffe, looking down, "what are you doing -there?" - -"I am fighting!" was the proud reply; "but I don't know that it is any -of your business." - -"Oh, I have no desire to mix in," said the good-natured giraffe. "I -never take sides in terrestrial strife. Still, as that is my foot, I -think--" - -"Eh!" cried the poodle, backing some distance away and gazing upward, -shading his eyes with his paw. "You don't mean to say--by Jove it's a -fact! Well, that beats _me_! A beast of such enormous length--such -preposterous duration, as it were--I wouldn't have believed it! Of -course I can't quarrel with a non-resident; but why don't you have a -local agent on the ground?" - -The reply was probably the wisest ever made; but it has not descended -to this generation. It had so very far to descend. - - - - -CXXIV. - - -A dog having got upon the scent of a deer which a hunter had been -dragging home, set off with extraordinary zeal. After measuring off a -few leagues, he paused. - -"My running gear is all right," said he; "but I seem to have lost my -voice." - -Suddenly his ear was assailed by a succession of eager barks, as of -another dog in pursuit of him. It then began to dawn upon him that he -was a particularly rapid dog: instead of having lost his voice, his -voice had lost him, and was just now arriving. Full of his discovery, -he sought his master, and struck for better food and more comfortable -housing. - -"Why, you miserable example of perverted powers!" said his master; "I -never intended you for the chase, but for the road. You are to be a -draught-dog--to pull baby about in a cart. You will perceive that -speed is an objection. Sir, you must be toned down; you will be at -once assigned to a house with modern conveniences, and will dine at a -French restaurant. If that system do not reduce your own, I'm an -'Ebrew Jew!" - -The journals next morning had racy and appetizing accounts of a canine -suicide. - - - - -CXXV. - - -A gosling, who had not yet begun to blanch, was accosted by a chicken -just out of the shell: - -"Whither away so fast, fair maid?" inquired the chick. - -"Wither away yourself," was the contemptuous reply; "you are already -in the sere and yellow leaf; while I seem to have a green old age -before me." - - - - -CXXVI. - - -A famishing traveller who had run down a salamander, made a fire, and -laid him alive upon the hot coals to cook. Wearied with the pursuit -which had preceded his capture, the animal at once composed himself, -and fell into a refreshing sleep. At the end of a half-hour, the man, -stirred him with a stick, remarking: - -"I say!--wake up and begin toasting, will you? How long do you mean to -keep dinner waiting, eh?" - -"Oh, I beg you will not wait for me," was the yawning reply. "If you -are going to stand upon ceremony, everything will get cold. Besides, I -have dined. I wish, by-the-way, you would put on some more fuel; I -think we shall have snow." - -"Yes," said the man, "the weather is like yourself--raw, and -exasperatingly cool. Perhaps this will warm you." And he rolled a -ponderous pine log atop of that provoking reptile, who flattened out, -and "handed in his checks." - - The moral thus doth glibly run-- - A cause its opposite may brew; - The sun-shade is unlike the sun, - The plum unlike the plumber, too. - A salamander underdone - His impudence may overdo. - - - - -CXXVII. - - -A humming-bird invited a vulture to dine with her. He accepted, but -took the precaution to have an emetic along with him; and immediately -after dinner, which consisted mainly of dew, spices, honey, and -similar slops, he swallowed his corrective, and tumbled the -distasteful viands out. He then went away, and made a good wholesome -meal with his friend the ghoul. He has been heard to remark, that the -taste for humming-bird fare is "too artificial for _him_." He says, a -simple and natural diet, with agreeable companions, cheerful -surroundings, and a struggling moon, is best for the health, and most -agreeable to the normal palate. - -People with vitiated tastes may derive much profit from this opinion. -_Crede experto._ - - - - -CXXVIII. - - -A certain terrier, of a dogmatic turn, asked a kitten her opinion of -rats, demanding a categorical answer. The opinion, as given, did not -possess the merit of coinciding with his own; whereupon he fell upon -the heretic and bit her--bit her until his teeth were much worn and -her body much elongated--bit her good! Having thus vindicated the -correctness of his own view, he felt so amiable a satisfaction that he -announced his willingness to adopt the opinion of which he had -demonstrated the harmlessness. So he begged his enfeebled antagonist -to re-state it, which she incautiously did. No sooner, however, had -the superior debater heard it for the second time than he resumed his -intolerance, and made an end of that unhappy cat. - -"Heresy," said he, wiping his mouth, "may be endured in the vigorous -and lusty; but in a person lying at the very point of death such -hardihood is intolerable." - -It is always intolerable. - - - - -CXXIX. - - -A tortoise and an armadillo quarrelled, and agreed to fight it out. -Repairing to a secluded valley, they put themselves into hostile -array. - -"Now come on!" shouted the tortoise, shrinking into the inmost -recesses of his shell. - -"All right," shrieked the armadillo, coiling up tightly in his coat of -mail; "I am ready for you!" - -And thus these heroes waged the awful fray from morn till dewy eve, at -less than a yard's distance. There has never been anything like it; -their endurance was something marvellous! During the night each -combatant sneaked silently away; and the historian of the period -obscurely alludes to the battle as "the naval engagement of the -future." - - - - -CXXX. - -[Illustration] - -Two hedgehogs having conceived a dislike to a hare, conspired for his -extinction. It was agreed between them that the lighter and more agile -of the two should beat him up, surround him, run him into a ditch, -and drive him upon the thorns of the more gouty and unwieldy -conspirator. It was not a very hopeful scheme, but it was the best -they could devise. There was a chance of success if the hare should -prove willing, and, gambler-like, they decided to take that chance, -instead of trusting to the remote certainty of their victim's death -from natural cause. The doomed animal performed his part as well as -could be reasonably expected of him: every time the enemy's flying -detachment pressed him hard, he fled playfully toward the main body, -and lightly vaulted over, about eight feet above the spines. And this -prickly blockhead had not the practical sagacity to get upon a wall -seven feet and six inches high! - -This fable is designed to show that the most desperate chances are -comparatively safe. - - - - -CXXXI. - - -A young eel inhabiting the mouth of a river in India, determined to -travel. Being a fresh-water eel, he was somewhat restricted in his -choice of a route, but he set out with a cheerful heart and very -little luggage. Before he had proceeded very far up-stream he found -the current too strong to be overcome without a ruinous consumption of -coals. He decided to anchor his tail where it then was, and _grow_ up. -For the first hundred miles it was tolerably tedious work, but when he -had learned to tame his impatience, he found this method of progress -rather pleasant than otherwise. But when he began to be caught at -widely separate points by the fishermen of eight or ten different -nations, he did not think it so fine. - -This fable teaches that when you extend your residence you multiply -your experiences. A local eel can know but little of angling. - - - - -CXXXII. - - -Some of the lower animals held a convention to settle for ever the -unspeakably important question, What is Life? - -"Life," squeaked the poet, blinking and folding his filmy wings, -"is--." His kind having been already very numerously heard from upon -the subject, he was choked off. - -"Life," said the scientist, in a voice smothered by the earth he was -throwing up into small hills, "is the harmonious action of -heterogeneous but related faculties, operating in accordance with -certain natural laws." - -"Ah!" chattered the lover, "but that thawt of thing is vewy gweat -blith in the thothiety of one'th thweetheart." And curling his tail -about a branch, he swung himself heavenward and had a spasm. - -"It is _vita_!" grunted the sententious scholar, pausing in his -mastication of a Chaldaic root. - -"It is a thistle," brayed the warrior: "very nice thing to take!" - -"Life, my friends," croaked the philosopher from his hollow tree, -dropping the lids over his cattish eyes, "is a disease. We are all -symptoms." - -"Pooh!" ejaculated the physician, uncoiling and springing his rattle. -"How then does it happen that when _we_ remove the symptoms, the -disease is gone?" - -"I would give something to know that," replied the philosopher, -musingly; "but I suspect that in most cases the inflammation remains, -and is intensified." - -Draw your own moral inference, "in your own jugs." - - - - -CXXXIII. - - -A heedless boy having flung a pebble in the direction of a basking -lizard, that reptile's tail disengaged itself, and flew some distance -away. One of the properties of a lizard's camp-follower is to leave -the main body at the slightest intimation of danger. - -"There goes that vexatious narrative again," exclaimed the lizard, -pettishly; "I never had such a tail in my life! Its restless tendency -to divorce upon insufficient grounds is enough to harrow the -reptilian soul! Now," he continued, backing up to the fugitive part, -"perhaps you will be good enough to resume your connection with the -parent establishment." - -No sooner was the splice effected, than an astronomer passing that way -casually remarked to a friend that he had just sighted a comet. -Supposing itself menaced, the timorous member again sprang away, -coming down plump before the horny nose of a sparrow. Here its career -terminated. - -We sometimes escape from an imaginary danger, only to find some real -persecutor has a little bill against us. - - - - -CXXXIV. - - -A jackal who had pursued a deer all day with unflagging industry, was -about to seize him, when an earthquake, which was doing a little civil -engineering in that part of the country, opened a broad chasm between -him and his prey. - -"Now, here," said he, "is a distinct interference with the laws of -nature. But if we are to tolerate miracles, there is an end of all -progress." - -So speaking, he endeavoured to cross the abyss at two jumps. His fate -would serve the purpose of an impressive warning if it might be -clearly ascertained; but the earth having immediately pinched together -again, the research of the moral investigator is baffled. - - - - -CXXXV. - - -"Ah!" sighed a three-legged stool, "if I had only been a quadruped, I -should have been happy as the day is long--which, on the twenty-first -of June, would be considerable felicity for a stool." - -"Ha! look at me!" said a toadstool; "consider my superior privation, -and be content with your comparatively happy lot." - -"I don't discern," replied the first, "how the contemplation of -unipedal misery tends to alleviate tripedal wretchedness." - -"You don't, eh!" sneered the toadstool. "You mean, do you, to fly in -the face of all the moral and social philosophers?" - -"Not unless some benefactor of his race shall impel me." - -"H'm! I think Zambri the Parsee is the man for that kindly office, my -dear." - -This final fable teaches that he is. - - - - -BRIEF SEASONS OF INTELLECTUAL DISSIPATION. - - - - -I. - - -FOOL.--I have a question for you. - -PHILOSOPHER.--I have a number of them for myself. Do you happen to -have heard that a fool can ask more questions in a breath than a -philosopher can answer in a life? - -F.--I happen to have heard that in such a case the one is as great a -fool as the other. - -PH.--Then there is no distinction between folly and philosophy? - -F.--Don't lay the flattering unction to your soul. The province of -folly is to ask unanswerable questions. It is the function of -philosophy to answer them. - -PH.--Admirable fool! - -F.--Am I? Pray tell me the meaning of "a fool." - -PH.--Commonly he has none. - -F.--I mean-- - -PH.--Then in this case he has one. - -F.--I lick thy boots! But what does Solomon indicate by the word fool? -That is what I mean. - -PH.--Let us then congratulate Solomon upon the agreement between the -views of you two. However, I twig your intent: he means a wicked -sinner; and of all forms of folly there is none so great as wicked -sinning. For goodness is, in the end, more conducive to personal -happiness--which is the sole aim of man. - -F.--Hath virtue no better excuse than this? - -PH.--Possibly; philosophy is not omniscience. - -F.--Instructed I sit at thy feet! - -PH.--Unwilling to instruct, I stand on my head. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--You say personal happiness is the sole aim of man. - -PHILOSOPHER.--Then it is. - -F.--But this is much disputed. - -PH.--There is much personal happiness in disputation. - -F.--Socrates-- - -PH.--Hold! I detest foreigners. - -F.--Wisdom, they say, is of no country. - -PH.--Of none that I have seen. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--Let us return to our subject--the sole aim of mankind. Crack me -these nuts. (1) The man, never weary of well-doing, who endures a life -of privation for the good of his fellow-creatures? - -PHILOSOPHER.--Does he feel remorse in so doing? or does the rascal -rather like it? - -F.--(2) He, then, who, famishing himself, parts his loaf with a -beggar? - -PH.--There are people who prefer benevolence to bread. - -F.--Ah! _De gustibus_-- - -PH.--Shut up! - -F.--Well, (3) how of him who goes joyfully to martyrdom? - -PH.--He goes joyfully. - -F.--And yet-- - -PH.--Did you ever converse with a good man going to the stake? - -F.--I never saw a good man going to the stake. - -PH.--Unhappy pupil! you were born some centuries too early. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--You say you detest foreigners. Why? - -PHILOSOPHER.--Because I am human. - -F.--But so are they. - -PH.--Excellent fool! I thank thee for the better reason. - - * * * * * - -PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking of the _pocopo_. - -FOOL.--Is it open to the public? - -PH.--The pocopo is a small animal of North America, chiefly remarkable -for singularity of diet. It subsists solely upon a single article of -food. - -F.--What is that? - -PH.--Other pocopos. Unable to obtain this, their natural sustenance, a -great number of pocopos die annually of starvation. Their death leaves -fewer mouths to feed, and by consequence their race is rapidly -multiplying. - -F.--From whom had you this? - -PH.--A professor of political economy. - -F.--I bend in reverence! What made you think of the pocopo? - -PH.--Speaking of man. - -F.--If you did not wish to think of the pocopo, and speaking of man -would make you think of it, you would not speak of man, would you? - -PH.--Certainly not. - -F.--Why not? - -PH.--I do not know. - -F.--Excellent philosopher! - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--I have attentively considered your teachings. They may be full -of wisdom; they are certainly out of taste. - -PHILOSOPHER.--Whose taste? - -F.--Why, that of people of culture. - -PH.--Do any of these people chance to have a taste for intoxication, -tobacco, hard hats, false hair, the nude ballet, and over-feeding? - -F.--Possibly; but in intellectual matters you must confess their taste -is correct. - -PH.--Why must I? - -F.--They say so themselves. - - * * * * * - -PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking why a dolt is called a donkey. - -FOOL.--I had thought philosophy concerned itself with a less personal -class of questions; but why is it? - -PH.--The essential quality of a dolt is stupidity. - -F.--Mine ears are drunken! - -PH.--The essential quality of an ass is asininity. - -F.--Divine philosophy! - -PH.--As commonly employed, "stupidity" and "asininity" are convertible -terms. - -F.--That I, unworthy, should have lived to see this day! - - * * * * * - - - - -II. - - -FOOL.--If _I_ were a doctor-- - -DOCTOR.--I should endeavour to be a fool. - -F.--You would fail; folly is not easily achieved. - -D.--True; man is overworked. - -F.--Let him take a pill. - -D.--If he like. I would not. - -F.--You are too frank: take a fool's advice. - -D.--Thank thee for the nastier prescription. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--I have a friend who-- - -DOCTOR.--Stands in great need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, -gentle restraint, a hard bed, simple diet--that will straighten him -out. - -F.--I'll give thee sixpence to let me touch the hem of thy garment! - -D.--What of your friend? - -F.--He is a gentleman. - -D.--Then he is dead! - -F.--Just so: he is "straightened out"--he took your prescription. - -D.--All but the "simple diet." - -F.--He is himself the diet. - -D.--How simple! - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--Believe you a man retains his intellect after decapitation? - -DOCTOR.--It is possible that he acquires it? - -F.--Much good it does him. - -D.--Why not--as compensation? He is at some disadvantage in other -respects. - -F.--For example? - -D.--He is in a false position. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--What is the most satisfactory disease? - -DOCTOR.--Paralysis of the thoracic duct. - -F.--I am not familiar with it. - -D.--It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct -enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can -secure, without danger of spoiling his appetite. - -F.--But how long does his appetite last? - -D.--That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does. - -F.--The portion that survives him--? - -D.--Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Passion which lurks darkly -Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation! - -F.--Pitch it a biscuit. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell -whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it? - -DOCTOR.--I never do tell. - -F.--I mean how do you know? - -D.--I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a -fool. - -F.--How does the patient know? - -D.--The fool asks me. - -F.--Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee? - -D.--Eat a cucumber cut up in shilling claret. - - * * * * * - -DOCTOR.--The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as -that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch -clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the -disease goes on, the patient goes off. - -FOOL.--A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most -cordial character. - -D.--One's relations--except the poorer sort--seldom are. - -F.--My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I 'll lay -you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last -patient. - -D.--Done! - -F.--You have won the wager. - -FOOL.--I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a -scientific subject between a fool and a physician. - -DOCTOR.--Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place -between fools only. - -F.--The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool -"phool," and physician "fysician." What the fool said was, therefore, -preceded by "PH;" the remarks of the physician were indicated by the -letter "F." - -D.--This must have been very confusing. - -F.--It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken -with orthography. - -D.--You tumour! - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster? - -DOCTOR.--Oysters do not ail. - -F.--I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease. - -D.--Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be -properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt. - -F.--Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the -abnormal part? - -D.--Yes; I would remove the oyster. - -F.--But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would -not be immediately advisable. - -D.--That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis. - -F.--Beast! Give me air! - - * * * * * - -DOCTOR.--I have been thinking-- - -FOOL.--(Liar!) - -D.--That you "come out" rather well for a fool. - -Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares? - -F.--Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But -there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt. - -D.--Explain. - -F.--Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, -he will not resent it. - - * * * * * - - - - -III. - - -SOLDIER (_reading from "Napier"_).--"Who would not rather be buried by -an army upon the field of battle than by a sexton in a church-yard!" - -FOOL.--I give it up. - -S.--I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion. - -F.--I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in -store for you. - -S.--I will revel in anticipation. - -F.--You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no -soldiering. - -S.--Idiot. - -F.--I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least -taught you to call people by their proper titles. In the service of -mankind I hold the rank of Fool. - -S.--What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound! - -F.--I beg you will not. - -S.--True; you beg: I will not. - -F.--But why rob when stealing is more honourable? - -S.--Consider the competition. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day? - -SOLDIER.--The devil an orphan! Have you a family? - -F.--Put up your iron; I am the last of my race. - -S.--How? No more fools? - -F.--Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars. - -S.--And why, pray, have _you_ not enlisted? - -F.--I should be no fool if I knew. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--You are somewhat indebted to me. - -SOLDIER.--I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to -arbitration. - -F.--The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side. - -S.--You allude to my sword, the most impartial of weapons: it cuts -both ways. - -F.--And each way is peculiarly objectionable to your opponent. - -S.--But for what am I indebted to you? - -F.--For existence: the prevalence of me has made you possible. - -S.--The benefit is not conspicuous; were it not for your quarrels, I -should enjoy a quantity of elegant leisure. - -F.--As a clodhopper. - -S.--I should at least hop my clods in a humble and Christian spirit; -and if some other fellow did did not so hop his--! I say no more. - -F.--You have said enough; there would be war. - - * * * * * - -SOLDIER.--Why wear a cap and bells? - -FOOL.--I hasten to crave pardon, and if spared will at once exchange -them. - -S.--For what? - -F.--A helmet and feather. - -S.--G "hang a calf-skin on those recreant limbs." - -F.--'T is only wisdom should be bound in calf. - -S.--Why? - -F.--Because wisdom is the veal of which folly is the matured beef. - -S.--Then folly should be garbed in cow-skin? - -F.--Aye, that it might the more speedily appear for what it is--the -naked truth. - -S.--How should it? - -F.--You would soon strip off its hide to make harness and trappings -withal. No one thinks how much conquerors owe to cows. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--Tell me, hero, what is strategy? - -SOLDIER.--The art of laying two knives against one throat. - -F.--And what are tactics? - -S.--The art of driving them home. - -F.--Supermundane lexicographer! - -S.--I'll bust thy crust! (_Attempts to draw his sword, gets it between -his legs, and falls along_.) - -F. (_from a distance_)--Shall I summon an army, or a sexton? And will -you have it of bronze, or marble? - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--When you have gained a great victory, how much of the glory -goes to the horse whose back you bestrode? - -SOLDIER.--Nonsense! A horse cannot appreciate glory; he prefers corn. - -F.--And this you call non-appreciation! But listen. (_Reads_) "During -the Crusades, a part of the armament of a Turkish ship was two hundred -serpents." In the pursuit of glory you are at least not above -employing humble auxiliaries. These be curious allies. - -S.--What stuff a fool may talk! No true soldier would pit a serpent -against a brave enemy. These worms were _sailors_. - -F.--A nice distinction, truly! Did you ever, my most acute professor -of vivisection, employ your trenchant blade in the splitting of hairs? - -S.--I have split masses of them. - - * * * * * - -FOOL.--Speaking of the Crusades: at the siege of Acre, when a part of -the wall had been thrown down by the Christians, the Pisans rushed -into the breach, but the greater part of their army being at dinner, -they were bloodily repulsed. - -SOLDIER.--You appear to have a minute acquaintance with military -history. - -F.--Yes--being a fool. But was it not a sin and a shame that those -feeders should not stir from their porridge to succour their suffering -comrades? - -S.--Pray why should a man neglect his business to oblige a friend? - -F.--But they might have taken and sacked the city. - -S.--The selfish gluttons! - - * * * * * - -SOLDIER.--Your presumption grows intolerable; I'll hold no further -parley with thee. - -FOOL.--"Herculean gentleman, I dread thy drubs; pity the lifted whites -of both my eyes!" - -S.--Then speak no more of the things you do but imperfectly -understand. - -F.--Such censorship would doom all tongues to silence. But show me -wherein my knowledge is deficient. - -S.--What is an _abattis_? - -F.--Rubbish placed in front of a fort, to keep the rubbish outside -from getting at the rubbish inside. - -S.--Egad! I'll part thy hair! - - - - -DIVERS TALES. - - - - -THE GRATEFUL BEAR. - - -I hope all my little readers have heard the story of Mr. Androcles and -the lion; so I will relate it as nearly as I can remember it, with the -caution that Androcles must not be confounded with the lion. If I had -a picture representing Androcles with a silk hat, and the lion with a -knot in his tail, the two might readily be distinguished; but the -artist says he won't make any such picture, and we must try to get on -without. - -One day Androcles was gathering truffles in a forest, when he found a -lion's den; and, walking into it, he lay down and slept. It was a -custom, in his time, to sleep in lions' dens when practicable. The -lion was absent, inspecting a zoological garden, and did not return -until late; but he did return. He was surprised to find a stranger in -his menagerie without a ticket; but, supposing him to be some -contributor to a comic paper, did not eat him: he was very well -satisfied not to be eaten by him. Presently Androcles awoke, wishing -he had some seltzer water, or something. (Seltzer water is good after -a night's debauch, and something--it is difficult to say what--is good -to begin the new debauch with). Seeing the lion eyeing him, he began -hastily to pencil his last will and testament upon the rocky floor of -the den. What was his surprise to see the lion advance amicably and -extend his right forefoot! Androcles, however, was equal to the -occasion: he met the friendly overture with a cordial grasp of the -hand, whereat the lion howled--for he had a carpet-tack in his foot. -Perceiving that he had made a little mistake, Androcles made such -reparation as was in his power by pulling out the tack and putting it -in his own foot. - -After this the beast could not do too much for him. He went out every -morning--carefully locking the door behind him--and returned every -evening, bringing in a nice fat baby from an adjacent village, and -laying it gratefully at his benefactor's feet. For the first few days -something seemed to have gone wrong with the benefactor's appetite, -but presently he took very kindly to the new diet; and, as he could -not get away, he lodged there, rent-free, all the days of his -life--which terminated very abruptly one evening when the lion had not -met with his usual success in hunting. - -All this has very little to do with my story: I throw it in as a -classical allusion, to meet the demands of a literary fashion which -has its origin in the generous eagerness of writers to give the public -more than it pays for. But the story of Androcles was a favourite with -the bear whose adventures I am about to relate. - -One day this crafty brute carefully inserted a thorn between two of -his toes, and limped awkwardly to the farm-house of Dame Pinworthy, a -widow, who with two beautiful whelps infested the forest where he -resided. He knocked at the open door, sent in his card, and was duly -admitted to the presence of the lady, who inquired his purpose. By way -of "defining his position" he held up his foot, and snuffled very -dolorously. The lady adjusted her spectacles, took the paw in her lap -(she, too, had heard the tale of Androcles), and, after a close -scrutiny, discovered the thorn, which, as delicately as possible, she -extracted, the patient making wry faces and howling dismally the -while. - -[Illustration] - -When it was all over, and she had assured him there was no charge, his -gratitude was a passion to observe! He desired to embrace her at once; -but this, although a widow of seven years' standing, she would by no -means permit; she said she was not personally averse to hugging, "but -what would her dear departed--boo-hoo!--say of it?" This was very -absurd, for Mr. Boo-hoo had seven feet of solid earth above him, and -it couldn't make much difference what he said, even supposing he had -enough tongue left to say anything, which he had not. However, the -polite beast respected her scruples; so the only way in which he could -testify his gratitude was by remaining to dinner. They had the -housedog for dinner that day, though, from some false notion of -hospitable etiquette, the woman and children did not take any. - -On the next day, punctually at the same hour, the bear came again with -another thorn, and stayed to dinner as before. It was not much of a -dinner this time--only the cat, and a roll of stair-carpet, with one -or two pieces of sheet music; but true gratitude does not despise even -the humblest means of expression. The succeeding day he came as -before; but after being relieved of his torment, he found nothing -prepared for him. But when he took to thoughtfully licking one of the -little girl's hands, "that answered not with a caress," the mother -thought better of it, and drove in a small heifer. - -He now came every day; he was so old a friend that the formality of -extracting the thorn was no longer observed; it would have contributed -nothing to the good understanding that existed between him and the -widow. He thought that three or four instances of Good Samaritanism -afforded ample matter for perpetual gratitude. His constant visits -were bad for the live stock of the farm; for some kind of beast had to -be in readiness each day to furnish forth the usual feast, and this -prevented multiplication. Most of the textile fabrics, too, had -disappeared; for the appetite of this animal was at the same time -cosmopolitan and exacting: it would accept almost anything in the way -of _entremets_, but something it would have. A hearthrug, a hall-mat, -a cushion, mattress, blanket, shawl, or other article of wearing -apparel--anything, in short, that was easy of ingestion was graciously -approved. The widow tried him once with a box of coals as dessert to -some barn-yard fowls; but this he seemed to regard as a doubtful -comestible, seductive to the palate, but obstinate in the stomach. A -look at one of the children always brought him something else, no -matter what he was then engaged on. - -It was suggested to Mrs. Pinworthy that she should poison the bear; -but, after trying about a hundredweight of strychnia, arsenic, and -Prussic acid, without any effect other than what might be expected -from mild tonics, she thought it would not be right to go into -toxicology. So the poor Widow Pinworthy went on, patiently enduring -the consumption of her cattle, sheep, and hogs, the evaporation of her -poultry, and the taking off of her bed linen, until there were left -only the clothing of herself and children, some curtains, a sickly -lamb, and a pet pigeon. When the bear came for these she ventured to -expostulate. In this she was perfectly successful: the animal -permitted her to expostulate as long as she liked. Then he ate the -lamb and pigeon, took in a dish-cloth or two, and went away just as -contentedly as if she had not uttered a word. - -Nothing edible now stood between her little daughters and the grave. -Her mental agony was painful to her mind; she could scarcely have -suffered more without an increase of unhappiness. She was roused to -desperation; and next day, when she saw the bear leaping across the -fields toward the house, she staggered from her seat and shut the -door. It was singular what a difference it made; she always remembered -it after that, and wished she had thought of it before. - - * * * * * - - - - -THE SETTING SACHEM. - - - 'Twas an Injin chieftain, in feathers all fine, - Who stood on the ocean's rim; - There were numberless leagues of excellent brine-- - But there wasn't enough for him. - So he knuckled a thumb in his painted eye, - And added a tear to the scant supply. - - The surges were breaking with thund'rous voice, - The winds were a-shrieking shrill; - This warrior thought that a trifle of noise - Was needed to fill the bill. - So he lifted the top of his head off and scowled-- - Exalted his voice, did this chieftain, and howled! - - The sun was aflame in a field of gold - That hung o'er the Western Sea; - Bright banners of light were broadly unrolled, - As banners of light should be. - But no one was "speaking a piece" to that sun, - And therefore this Medicine Man begun: - - "O much heap of bright! O big ball of warm! - I've tracked you from sea to sea! - For the Paleface has been at some pains to inform - Me, _you_ are the emblem of _me_. - He says to me, cheerfully: 'Westward Ho!' - And westward I've hoed a most difficult row. - - "Since you are the emblem of me, I presume - That I am the emblem of you, - And thus, as we're equals, 't is safe to assume, - That one great law governs us two. - So now if I set in the ocean with thee, - With thee I shall rise again out of the sea." - - His eloquence first, and his logic the last! - Such orators die!--and he died: - The trump was against him--his luck bad--he "passed"-- - And so he "passed out"--with the tide. - This Injin is rid of the world with a whim-- - The world it is rid of his speeches and him. - - * * * * * - - - - -FEODORA. - - -Madame Yonsmit was a decayed gentlewoman who carried on her -decomposition in a modest wayside cottage in Thuringia. She was an -excellent sample of the Thuringian widow, a species not yet extinct, -but trying very hard to become so. The same may be said of the whole -genus. Madame Yonsmit was quite young, very comely, cultivated, -gracious, and pleasing. Her home was a nest of domestic virtues, but -she had a daughter who reflected but little credit upon the nest. -Feodora was indeed a "bad egg"--a very wicked and ungrateful egg. You -could see she was by her face. The girl had the most vicious -countenance--it was repulsive! It was a face in which boldness -struggled for the supremacy with cunning, and both were thrashed into -subjection by avarice. It was this latter virtue in Feodora which kept -her mother from having a taxable income. - -Feodora's business was to beg on the highway. It wrung the heart of -the honest amiable gentlewoman to have her daughter do this; but the -h.a.g. having been reared in luxury, considered labour -degrading--which it is--and there was not much to steal in that part -of Thuringia. Feodora's mendicity would have provided an ample fund -for their support, but unhappily that ingrate would hardly ever fetch -home more than two or three shillings at a time. Goodness knows what -she did with the rest. - -Vainly the good woman pointed out the sin of coveteousness; vainly she -would stand at the cottage door awaiting the child's return, and begin -arguing the point with her the moment she came in sight: the receipts -diminished daily until the average was less than tenpence--a sum upon -which no born gentlewoman would deign to exist. So it became a matter -of some importance to know where Feodora kept her banking account. -Madame Yonsmit thought at first she would follow her and see; but -although the good lady was as vigorous and sprightly as ever, carrying -a crutch more for ornament than use, she abandoned this plan because -it did not seem suitable to the dignity of a decayed gentlewoman. She -employed a detective. - -The foregoing particulars I have from Madame Yonsmit herself; for -those immediately subjoining I am indebted to the detective, a skilful -officer named Bowstr. - -[Illustration] - -No sooner had the scraggy old hag communicated her suspicions than the -officer knew exactly what to do. He first distributed hand-bills all -over the country, stating that a certain person suspected of -concealing money had better look sharp. He then went to the Home -Secretary, and by not seeking to understate the real difficulties of -the case, induced that functionary to offer a reward of a thousand -pounds for the arrest of the malefactor. Next he proceeded to a -distant town, and took into custody a clergyman who resembled Feodora -in respect of wearing shoes. After these formal preliminaries he took -up the case with some zeal. He was not at all actuated by a desire to -obtain the reward, but by pure love of justice. The thought of -securing the girl's private hoard for himself never for a moment -entered his head. - -He began to make frequent calls at the widow's cottage when Feodora -was at home, when, by apparently careless conversation, he would -endeavour to draw her out; but he was commonly frustrated by her old -beast of a mother, who, when the girl's answers did not suit, would -beat her unmercifully. So he took to meeting Feodora on the highway, -and giving her coppers carefully marked. For months he kept this up -with wonderful self-sacrifice--the girl being a mere uninteresting -angel. He met her daily in the roads and forest. His patience never -wearied, his vigilance never flagged. Her most careless glances were -conscientiously noted, her lightest words treasured up in his memory. -Meanwhile (the clergyman having been unjustly acquitted) he arrested -everybody he could get his hands on. Matters went on in this way until -it was time for the grand _coup_. - -The succeeding-particulars I have from the lips of Feodora herself. - -When that horrid Bowstr first came to the house Feodora thought he was -rather impudent, but said, little about it to her mother--not desiring -to have her back broken. She merely avoided him as much as she dared, -he was so frightfully ugly. But she managed to endure him until he -took to waylaying her on the highway, hanging about her all day, -interfering with the customers, and walking home with her at night. -Then her dislike deepened into disgust; and but for apprehensions not -wholly unconnected with a certain crutch, she would have sent him -about his business in short order. More than a thousand million times -she told him to be off and leave her alone, but men are such -fools--particularly this one. - -What made Bowstr exceptionally disagreeable was his shameless habit of -making fun of Feodora's mother, whom he declared crazy as a loon. But -the maiden bore everything as well as she could, until one day the -nasty thing put his arm about her waist and kissed her before her very -face; _then_ she felt--well, it is not clear how she felt, but of one -thing she was quite sure: after having such a shame put upon her by -this insolent brute, she would never go back under her dear mother's -roof--never. She was too proud for _that_, at any rate. So she ran -away with Mr. Bowstr, and married him. - -The conclusion of this history I learned for myself. - -Upon hearing of her daughter's desertion Madame Yonsmit went clean -daft. She vowed she could bear betrayal, could endure decay, could -stand being a widow, would not repine at being left alone in her old -age (whenever she should become old), and could patiently submit to -the sharper than a serpent's thanks of having a toothless child -generally. But to be a mother-in-law! No, no; that was a plane of -degradation to which she positively would _not_ descend. So she -employed me to cut her throat. It was the toughest throat I ever cut -in all my life. - - * * * * * - - - - -THE LEGEND OF IMMORTAL TRUTH. - - - A bear, having spread him a notable feast, - Invited a famishing fox to the place. - "I've killed me," quoth he, "an edible beast - As ever distended the girdle of priest - With 'spread of religion,' or 'inward grace.' - To my den I conveyed her, - I bled her and flayed her, - I hung up her skin to dry; - Then laid her naked, to keep her cool, - On a slab of ice from the frozen pool; - And there we will eat her--you and I." - - The fox accepts, and away they walk, - Beguiling the time with courteous talk. - You'd ne'er have suspected, to see them smile, - The bear was thinking, the blessed while, - How, when his guest should be off his guard, - With feasting hard, - He'd give him a "wipe" that would spoil his style. - You'd never have thought, to see them bow, - The fox was reflecting deeply how - He would best proceed, to circumvent - His host, and prig - The entire pig-- - Or other bird to the same intent. - When Strength and Cunning in love combine, - Be sure 't is to more than merely dine. - - The while these biters ply the lip, - A mile ahead the muse shall skip: - The poet's purpose she best may serve - Inside the den--if she have the nerve. - Behold! laid out in dark recess, - A ghastly goat in stark undress, - Pallid and still on her gelid bed, - And indisputably very dead. - Her skin depends from a couple of pins-- - And here the most singular statement begins; - For all at once the butchered beast, - With easy grace for one deceased, - Upreared her head, - Looked round, and said, - Very distinctly for one so dead: - "The nights are sharp, and the sheets are thin: - I find it uncommonly cold herein!" - -[Illustration] - - I answer not how this was wrought: - All miracles surpass my thought. - They're vexing, say you? and dementing? - Peace, peace! they're none of my inventing. - But lest too much of mystery - Embarrass this true history, - I'll not relate how that this goat - Stood up and stamped her feet, to inform'em - With--what's the word?--I mean, to warm'em; - Nor how she plucked her rough _capote_ - From off the pegs where Bruin threw it, - And o'er her quaking body drew it; - Nor how each act could so befall: - I'll only swear she did them all; - Then lingered pensive in the grot, - As if she something had forgot, - Till a humble voice and a voice of pride - Were heard, in murmurs of love, outside. - Then, like a rocket set aflight, - She sprang, and streaked it for the light! - - Ten million million years and a day - Have rolled, since these events, away; - But still the peasant at fall of night, - Belated therenear, is oft affright - By sounds of a phantom bear in flight; - A breaking of branches under the hill; - The noise of a going when all is still! - And hens asleep on the perch, they say, - Cackle sometimes in a startled way, - As if they were dreaming a dream that mocks - The lope and whiz of a fleeting fox! - - Half we're taught, and teach to youth, - And praise by rote, - Is not, but merely stands for, truth. - So of my goat: - She's merely designed to represent - The truth--"immortal" to this extent: - Dead she may be, and skinned--_frappe_-- - Hid in a dreadful den away; - Prey to the Churches--(any will do, - Except the Church of me and you.) - The simplest miracle, even then, - Will get her up and about again. - - - - -CONVERTING A PRODIGAL. - - -Little Johnny was a saving youth--one who from early infancy had -cultivated a provident habit. When other little boys were wasting -their substance in riotous gingerbread and molasses candy, investing -in missionary enterprises which paid no dividends, subscribing to the -North Labrador Orphan Fund, and sending capital out of the country -gene rally, Johnny would be sticking sixpences into the chimney-pot of -a big tin house with "BANK" painted on it in red letters above an -illusory door. Or he would put out odd pennies at appalling rates of -interest, with his parents, and bank the income. He was never weary of -dropping coppers into that insatiable chimney-pot, and leaving them -there. In this latter respect he differed notably from his elder -brother, Charlie; for, although Charles was fond of banking too, he -was addicted to such frequent runs upon the institution with a -hatchet, that it kept his parents honourably poor to purchase banks -for him; so they were reluctantly compelled to discourage the -depositing element in his panicky nature. - -Johnny was not above work, either; to him "the dignity of labour" was -not a juiceless platitude, as it is to me, but a living, nourishing -truth, as satisfying and wholesome as that two sides of a triangle are -equal to one side of bacon. He would hold horses for gentlemen who -desired to step into a bar to inquire for letters. He would pursue the -fleeting pig at the behest of a drover. He would carry water to the -lions of a travelling menagerie, or do anything, for gain. He was -sharp-witted too: before conveying a drop of comfort to the parching -king of beasts, he would stipulate for six-pence instead of the usual -free ticket--or "tasting order," so to speak. He cared not a button -for the show. - -The first hard work Johnny did of a morning was to look over the house -for fugitive pins, needles, hair-pins, matches, and other unconsidered -trifles; and if he sometimes found these where nobody had lost them, -he made such reparation as was in his power by losing them again where -nobody but he could find them. In the course of time, when he had -garnered a good many, he would "realize," and bank the proceeds. - -Nor was he weakly superstitious, this Johnny. You could not fool _him_ -with the Santa Claus hoax on Christmas Eve: he would lie awake all -night, as sceptical as a priest; and along toward morning, getting -quietly out of bed, would examine the pendent stockings of the other -children, to satisfy himself the predicted presents were not there; -and in the morning it always turned out that they were not. Then, when -the other children cried because they did not get anything, and the -parents affected surprise (as if they really believed in the venerable -fiction), Johnny was too manly to utter a whimper: he would simply -slip out of the back door, and engage in traffic with affluent -orphans; disposing of woolly horses, tin whistles, marbles, tops, -dolls, and sugar archangels, at a ruinous discount for cash. He -continued these provident courses for nine long years, always banking -his accretions with scrupulous care. Everybody predicted he would one -day be a merchant prince or a railway king; and some added he would -sell his crown to the junk-dealers. - -His unthrifty brother, meanwhile, kept growing worse and worse. He was -so careless of wealth--so so wastefully extravagant of lucre--that -Johnny felt it his duty at times to clandestinely assume control of -the fraternal finances, lest the habit of squandering should wreck the -fraternal moral sense. It was plain that Charles had entered upon the -broad road which leads from the cradle to the workhouse--and that he -rather liked the travelling. So profuse was his prodigality that there -were grave suspicions as to his method of acquiring what he so openly -disbursed. There was but one opinion as to the melancholy termination -of his career--a termination which he seemed to regard as eminently -desirable. But one day, when the good pastor put it at him in so many -words, Charles gave token of some apprehension. - -"Do you really think so, sir?" said he, thoughtfully; "ain't you -playin' it on me?" - -"I assure you, Charles," said the good man, catching a ray of hope -from the boy's dawning seriousness, "you will certainly end your days -in a workhouse, unless you speedily abandon your course of -extravagance. There is nothing like habit--nothing!" - -Charles may have thought that, considering his frequent and lavish -contributions to the missionary fund, the parson was rather hard upon -him; but he did not say so. He went away in mournful silence, and -began pelting a blind beggar with coppers. - -One day, when Johnny had been more than usually provident, and Charles -proportionately prodigal, their father, having exhausted moral suasion -to no apparent purpose, determined to have recourse to a lower order -of argument: he would try to win Charles to economy by an appeal to -his grosser nature. So he convened the entire family, and, - -"Johnny," said he, "do you think you have much money in your bank? -You ought to have saved a considerable sum in nine years." - -Johnny took the alarm in a minute: perhaps there was some barefooted -little girl to be endowed with Sunday-school books. - -"No," he answered, reflectively, "I don't think there can be much. -There's been a good deal of cold weather this winter, and you know how -metal shrinks! No-o-o, I'm sure there can't be only a little." - -"Well, Johnny, you go up and bring down your bank. We'll see. Perhaps -Charles may be right, after all; and it's not worth while to save -money. I don't want a son of mine to get into a bad habit unless it -pays." - -So Johnny travelled reluctantly up to his garret, and went to the -corner where his big tin bank-box had sat on a chest undisturbed for -years. He had long ago fortified himself against temptation by vowing -never to even shake it; for he remembered that formerly when Charles -used to shake his, and rattle the coins inside, he always ended by -smashing in the roof. Johnny approached his bank, and taking hold of -the cornice on either side, braced himself, gave a strong lift -upwards, and keeled over upon his back with the edifice atop of him, -like one of the figures in a picture of the great Lisbon earthquake! -There was but a single coin in it; and that, by an ingenious device, -was suspended in the centre, so that every piece popped in at the -chimney would clink upon it in passing through Charlie's little hole -into Charlie's little stocking hanging innocently beneath. - -Of course restitution was out of the question; and even Johnny felt -that any merely temporal punishment would be weakly inadequate to the -demands of justice. But that night, in the dead silence of his -chamber, Johnny registered a great and solemn swear that so soon as he -could worry together a little capital, he would fling his feeble -remaining energies into the spendthrift business. And he did so. - - * * * * * - - - - -FOUR JACKS AND A KNAVE. - - -In the "backwoods" of Pennsylvania stood a little mill. The miller -appertaining unto this mill was a Pennsylvania Dutchman--a species of -animal in which for some centuries _sauerkraut_ has been usurping the -place of sense. In Hans Donnerspiel the usurpation was not complete; -he still knew enough to go in when it rained, but he did not know -enough to stay there after the storm had blown over. Hans was known to -a large circle of friends and admirers as about the worst miller in -those parts; but as he was the only one, people who quarrelled with an -exclusively meat diet continued to patronize him. He was honest, as -all stupid people are; but he was careless. So absent-minded was he, -that sometimes when grinding somebody's wheat he would thoughtlessly -turn into the "hopper" a bag of rye, a lot of old beer-bottles, or a -basket of fish. This made the flour so peculiar, that the people about -there never knew what it was to be well a day in all their lives. -There were so many local diseases in that vicinity, that a doctor from -twenty miles away could not have killed a patient in a week. - -Hans meant well; but he had a hobby--a hobby that he did not ride: -that does not express it: it rode him. It spurred him so hard, that -the poor wretch could not pause a minute to see what he was putting -into his mill. This hobby was the purchase of jackasses. He expended -all his income in this diversion, and his mill was fairly sinking -under its weight of mortgages. He had more jackasses than he had hairs -on his head, and, as a rule, they were thinner. He was no mere amateur -collector either, but a sharp discriminating _connoisseur_. He would -buy a fat globular donkey if he could not do better; but a lank shabby -one was the apple of his eye. He rolled such a one, as it were, like a -sweet morsel under his tongue. - -Hans's nearest neighbour was a worthless young scamp named Jo Garvey, -who lived mainly by hunting and fishing. Jo was a sharp-witted rascal, -without a single scruple between, himself and fortune. With a tithe of -Hans's industry he might have been almost anything; but his dense -laziness always rose up like a stone wall about him, shutting him in -like a toad in a rock. The exact opposite of Hans in almost every -respect, he was notably similar in one: he had a hobby. Jo's hobby was -the selling of jackasses. - -One day, while Hans's upper and nether mill-stones were making it -lively for a mingled grist of corn, potatoes, and young chickens, he -heard Joseph calling outside. Stepping to the door, he saw him holding -three halters to which were appended three donkeys. - -"I say, Hans," said he, "here are three fine animals for your stud. I -have brought 'em up from the egg, and I know 'em to be first-class. -But they 're not so big as I expected, and you may have 'em for a sack -of oats each." - -Hans was delighted. He had not the least doubt in the world that Joe -had stolen them; but it was a fixed principle with him never to let a -donkey go away and say he was a hard man to deal with. He at once -brought out and delivered the oats. Jo gravely examined the quality, -and placing a sack across each animal, calmly led them away. - -[Illustration] - -When he had gone, it occurred to Hans that he had less oats and no -more asses than he had before. - -"Tuyfel!" he exclaimed, scratching his pow; "I puy dot yackasses, und -I don't vos god 'im so mooch as I didn't haf 'im before--ain't it?" - -Very much to his comfort it was, therefore, to see Jo come by next day -leading the same animals. - -"Hi!" he shrieked; "you prings me to my yackasses. You gif me to my -broberdy back!" - -"Oh, very well, Hans. If you want to crawfish out of a fair bargain, -all right. I'll give you back your donkeys, and you give me back my -oats." - -"Yaw, yaw," assented the mollified miller; "you his von honest -shentlemans as I vos efer vent anyvhere. But I don't god ony more -oats, und you moost dake vheat, eh?" - -And fetching out three sacks of wheat, he handed them over. Jo was -proceeding to lay these upon the backs of the animals; but this was -too thin for even Hans. - -"Ach! you tief-veller! you leabs dis yackasses in me, und go right -avay off; odther I bust your het mid a gloob, don't it?" - -So Joseph was reluctantly constrained to hang the donkeys to a fence. -While he did this, Hans was making a desperate attempt to think. -Presently he brightened up: - -"Yo, how you coom by dot vheat all de dime?" - -"Why, old mudhead, you gave it to me for the jacks." - -"Und how you coom by dot oats pooty soon avhile ago?" - -"Why, I gave that to you for them," said Joseph, pressed very hard for -a reply. - -"Vell, den, you goes vetch me back to dot oats so gwicker as a lamb -gedwinkle his dail--hay?" - -"All right, Hans. Lend me the donkeys to carry off my wheat, and I 'll -bring back your oats on 'em." - -Joseph was beginning to despair; but no objection being made, he -loaded up the grain, and made off with his docile caravan. In a -half-hour he returned with the donkeys, but of course without anything -else. - -"I zay, Yo, where is dis oats I hear zo mooch dalk aboud still?" - -"Oh, curse you and your oats!" growled Jo, with simulated anger. "You -make such a fuss about a bargain, I have decided not to trade. Take -your old donkeys, and call it square!" - -"Den vhere mine vheat is?" - -"Now look here, Hans; that wheat is yours, is it?" - -"Yaw, yaw." - -"And the donkeys are yours, eh?" - -"Yaw, yaw." - -"And the wheat's been yours all the time, has it?" - -"Yaw, yaw." - -"Well, so have the donkeys. I took 'em out of your pasture in the -first place. Now what have you got to complain of?" - -The Dutchman reflected all over his head with' his forefinger-nail. - -"Gomblain? I no gomblain ven it is all right. I zee now I vos made a -mistaken. Coom, dake a drinks." - -Jo left the animals standing, and went inside, where they pledged one -another in brimming mugs of beer. Then taking Hans by the hand, - -"I am sorry," said he, "we can't trade. Perhaps some other day you -will be more reasonable. Good bye!" - -And Joseph departed leading away the donkeys! - -Hans stood for some moments gazing after him with a complacent smile -making his fat face ridiculous. Then turning to his mill-stones, he -shook his head with an air of intense self-satisfaction: - -"Py donner! Dot Yo Garfey bees a geen, shmard yockey, but he gonnot -spiel me svoppin' yackasses!" - - * * * * * - - - - -DR. DEADWOOD, I PRESUME. - - -My name is Shandy, and this is the record of my Sentimental Journey. -Mr. Ames Jordan Gannett, proprietor's son of the "York----," with -which paper I am connected by marriage, sent me a post-card in a -sealed envelope, asking me to call at a well-known restaurant in -Regent Street. I was then at a well-known restaurant in Houndsditch. I -put on my worst and only hat, and went. I found Mr. Gannett, at -dinner, eating pease with his knife, in the manner of his countrymen. -He opened the conversation, characteristically, thus: - -"Where's Dr. Deadwood?" - -After several ineffectual guesses I had a happy thought. I asked him: - -"Am I my brother's bar-keeper?" - -Mr. Gannett pondered deeply, with his forefinger alongside his nose. -Finally he replied: - -"I give it up." - -He continued to eat for some moments in profound silence, as that of a -man very much in earnest. Suddenly he resumed: - -"Here is a blank cheque, signed. I will send you all my father's -personal property to-morrow. Take this and find Dr. Deadwood. Find him -actually if you can, but find him. Away!" - -I did as requested; that is, I took the cheque. Having supplied myself -with such luxuries as were absolutely necessary, I retired to my -lodgings. Upon my table in the centre of the room were spread some -clean white sheets of foolscap, and sat a bottle of black ink. It was -a good omen: the virgin paper was typical of the unexplored interior -of Africa; the sable ink represented the night of barbarism, or the -hue of barbarians, indifferently. - -Now began the most arduous undertaking mentioned in the "York----," I -mean in history. Lighting my pipe, and fixing my eye upon the ink and -paper, I put my hands behind my back and took my departure from the -hearthrug toward the Interior. Language fails me; I throw myself upon -the reader's imagination. Before I had taken two steps, my vision -alighted upon the circular of a quack physician, which I had brought -home the day before around a bottle of hair-wash. I now saw the words, -"Twenty-one fevers!" This prostrated me for I know not how long. -Recovering, I took a step forward, when my eyes fastened themselves -upon my pen-wiper, worked into the similitude of a tiger. This -compelled me to retreat to the hearthrug for reinforcements. The -red-and-white dog displayed upon that article turned a deaf ear to my -entreaties; nothing would move him. - -A torrent of rain now began falling outside, and I knew the roads were -impassable; but, chafing with impatience, I resolved upon another -advance. Cautiously proceeding _via_ the sofa, my attention fell upon -a scrap of newspaper; and, to my unspeakable disappointment, I read: - -"The various tribes of the Interior are engaged in a bitter warfare." - -It may have related to America, but I could not afford to hazard all -upon a guess. I made a wide _detour_ by way of the coal-scuttle, and -skirted painfully along the sideboard. All this consumed so much time -that my pipe expired in gloom, and I went back to the hearthrug to get -a match off the chimney-piece. Having done so, I stepped over to the -table and sat down, taking up the pen and spreading the paper between -myself and the ink-bottle. It was late, and something must be done. -Writing the familiar word Ujijijijijiji, I caught a neighbourly -cockroach, skewered him upon a pin, and fastened him in the centre of -the word. At this supreme moment I felt inclined to fall upon his neck -and devour him with kisses; but knowing by experience that cockroaches -are not good to eat, I restrained my feelings. Lifting my hat, I said: - -"Dr. Deadwood, I presume?" - -_He did not deny it!_ - -Seeing he was feeling sick, I gave him a bit of cheese and cheered him -up a trifle. After he was well restored, - -"Tell me," said I, "is it true that the Regent's Canal falls into Lake -Michigan, thence running uphill to Omaha, as related by Ptolemy, -thence spirally to Melbourne, where it joins the delta of the Ganges -and becomes an affluent of the Albert Nicaragua, as Herodotus -maintains?" - -HE DID NOT DENY IT! - -The rest is known to the public. - - * * * * * - - - - -NUT-CRACKING. - - -In the city of Algammon resided the Prince Champou, who was madly -enamoured of the Lady Capilla. She returned his affection--unopened. - -In the matter of back-hair the Lady Capilla was blessed even beyond -her deserts. Her natural pigtail was so intolerably long that she -employed two pages to look after it when she walked out; the one a few -yards behind her, the other at the extreme end of the line. Their -names were Dan and Beersheba, respectively. - -[Illustration] - -Aside from salaries to these dependents, and quite apart from the -consideration of macassar, the possession of all this animal filament -was financially unprofitable: the hair market was buoyant, and hers -represented a large amount of idle capital. And it was otherwise a -source of annoyance and irritation; for all the young men of the city -were hotly in love with her, and skirmishing for a love-lock. They -seldom troubled Dan much, but the outlying Beersheba had an animated -time of it. He was subject to constant incursions, and was always in a -riot. - -The picture I have drawn to illustrate this history shows nothing of -all these squabbles. My pen revels in the battle's din, but my -peaceful pencil loves to depict the scenes I know something about. - -Although the Lady Capilla was unwilling to reciprocate the passion of -Champou the man, she was not averse to quiet interviews with Champou -the Prince. In the course of one of these (see my picture), as she sat -listening to his carefully-rehearsed and really artistic avowals, with -her tail hanging out of the window, she suddenly interrupted him: - -"My dear Prince," said she, "it is all nonsense, you know, to ask for -my heart; but I am not mean; you shall have a lock of my hair." - -"Do you think," replied the Prince, "that I could be so sordid as to -accept a single jewel from that glorious crown? I love this hair of -yours very dearly, I admit, but only because of its connection with -your divine head. Sever that connection, and I should value it no more -than I would a tail plucked from its native cow." - -This comparison seems to me a very fine one, but tastes differ, and to -the Lady Capilla it seemed quite the reverse. Rising indignantly, she -marched away, her queue running in through the window and gradually -tapering off the interview, as it were. Prince Champou saw that he had -missed his opportunity, and resolved to repair his error. Straightway -he forged an order on Beersheba for thirty yards of love-lock. To -serve this writ he sent his business partner; for the Prince was wont -to beguile his dragging leisure by tonsorial diversions in an obscure -quarter of the town. At first Beersheba was sceptical, but when he saw -the writing in real ink, his scruples vanished, and he chopped off the -amount of souvenir demanded. - -Now Champou's partner was the Court barber, and by the use of a -peculiar hair oil which the two of them had concocted, they soon -managed to balden the pates of all the male aristocracy of the place. -Then, to supply the demand so created, they devised beautiful wigs -from the Lady Capilla's lost tresses, which they sold at a marvellous -profit. And so they were enabled to retire from this narrative with -good incomes. - -It was known that the Lady Capilla, who, since the alleged murder of -one Beersheba, had shut herself up like a hermit, or a jack-knife, -would re-enter society; and a great ball was given to do her honour. -The feauty, bank, and rashion of Algammon had assembled in the -Guildhall for that purpose. While the revelry was at its fiercest, the -dancing at its loosest, the rooms at their hottest, and the -perspiration at spring-tide, there was a sound of wheels outside, -begetting an instant hush of expectation within. The dancers ceased to -spin, and all the gentlemen crowded about the door. As the Lady -Capilla entered, these instinctively fell into two lines, and she -passed down the space between, with her little tail behind her. As the -end of the latter came into the room, the wigs of the two gentlemen -nearest the door leaped off to join their parent stem. In their haste -to recover them the two gentlemen bent eagerly forward, knocking their -shining pows together with a vehemence that shattered them like -egg-shells. The wigs of the next pair were similarly affected; and in -seeking to recover them the pair similarly perished. Then, _crack! -spat! pash!_--at every step the lady took there were two heads that -beat as one. In three minutes there was but a single living male in -the room. He was an odd one, who, having a lady opposite him, had -merely pitched himself headlong into her stomach, doubling her like a -lemon-squeezer. - -It was merry to see the Lady Capilla floating through the mazy dance -that night, with all those wigs fighting for their old places in her -pigtail. - - * * * * * - - - - -THE MAGICIAN'S LITTLE JOKE. - - -About the middle of the fifteenth century there dwelt in the Black -Forest a pretty but unfashionable young maiden named Simprella -Whiskiblote. The first of these names was hers in monopoly; the other -she enjoyed in common with her father. Simprella was the most -beautiful fifteenth-century girl I ever saw. She had coloured eyes, a -complexion, some hair, and two lips very nearly alike, which partially -covered a lot of teeth. She was gifted with the complement of legs -commonly worn at that period, supporting a body to which were loosely -attached, in the manner of her country, as many arms as she had any -use for, inasmuch as she was not required to hold baby. But all these -charms were only so many objective points for the operations of the -paternal cudgel; for this father of hers was a hard, unfeeling man, -who had no bowels of compassion for his bludgeon. He would put it to -work early, and keep it going all day; and when it was worn out with -hard service, instead of rewarding it with steady employment, he would -cruelly throw it aside and get a fresh one. It is scarcely to be -wondered at that a girl harried in this way should be driven to the -insane expedient of falling in love. - -Near the neat mud cottage in which Simprella vegetated was a dense -wood, extending for miles in various directions, according to the -point from which it was viewed. By a method readily understood, it had -been so arranged that it was the next easiest thing in the world to -get into it, and the very easiest thing in the world to stay there. - -In the centre of this labyrinth was a castle of the early promiscuous -order of architecture--an order which was until recently much employed -in the construction of powder-works, but is now entirely exploded. In -this baronial hall lived an eligible single party--a giant so tall he -used a step-ladder to put on his hat, and could not put his hands into -his pockets without kneeling. He lived entirely alone, and gave -himself up to the practice of iniquity, devising prohibitory liquor -laws, imposing the income tax, and drinking shilling claret. But, -seeing Simprella one day, he bent himself into the form of a -horse-shoe magnet to look into her eyes. Whether it was his magnetic -attitude acting upon a young heart steeled by adversity, or his -chivalric forbearance in not eating her, I know not: I only know that -from that moment she became riotously enamoured of him; and the reader -may accept either the scientific or the popular explanation, according -to the bent of his mind. - -She at once asked the giant in marriage, and obtained the consent of -his parents by betraying her father into their hands; explaining to -them, however, that he was not good to eat, but might be drunk on the -premises. - -The marriage proved a very happy one, but the household duties of the -bride were extremely irksome. It fatigued her to dress the beeves for -dinner; it nearly broke her back to black her lord's boots without any -scaffolding. It took her all day to perform any kindly little office -for him. But she bore it all uncomplainingly, until one morning he -asked her to part his back hair; then the bent sapling of her spirit -flew up and hit him in the face. She gathered up some French novels, -and retired to a lonely tower to breathe out her soul in unavailing -regrets. - -One day she saw below her in the forest a dear gazelle, gladding her -with its soft black eye. She leaned out of the window, and said -_Scat!_ The animal did not move. Then she waved her arms--above -described--and said _Shew!_ This time he did not move as much as he -did before. Simprella decided he must have a bill against her; so she -closed her shutters, drew down the blind, and pinned the curtains -together. A moment later she opened them and peeped out. Then she went -down to examine his collar, that she might order one like it. - -When the gazelle saw Simprella approach, he arose, and, beckoning with -his tail, made off slowly into the wood. Then Simprella perceived this -was a supernatural gazelle--a variety now extinct, but which then -pervaded the Schwarzwald in considerable quantity--sent by some good -magician, who owed the giant a grudge, to pilot her out of the forest. -Nothing could exceed her joy at this discovery: she whistled a dirge, -sang a Latin hymn, and preached a funeral discourse all in one breath. -Such were the artless methods by which the full heart in the fifteenth -century was compelled to express its gratitute for benefits; the -advertising columns of the daily papers were not then open to the -benefactor's pen. - -[Illustration] - -All would now have been well, but for the fact that it was not. In -following her deliverer, Simprella observed that his golden collar was -inscribed with the mystic words--HANDS OFF! She tried hard to obey the -injunction; she did her level best; she--but why amplify? Simprella -was a woman. - -No sooner had her fingers touched the slender chain depending from the -magic collar, than the poor animal's eyes emitted twin tears, which -coursed silently but firmly down his nose, vacating it more in sorrow -than in anger. Then he looked up reproachfully into her face. Those -were his first tears--this was his last look. In two minutes by the -watch he was blind as a mole! - -There is but little more to tell. The giant ate himself to death; the -castle mouldered and crumbled into pig-pens; empires rose and fell; -kings ascended their thrones, and got down again; mountains grew grey, -and rivers bald-headed; suits in chancery were brought and decided, -and those from the tailor were paid for; the ages came, like maiden -aunts, uninvited, and lingered till they became a bore--and still -Simprella, with the magician's curse upon her, conducted her sightless -guide through the interminable wilderness! - -To all others the labyrinth had yielded up its clue. The hunter -threaded its maze; the woodman plunged confidently into its innermost -depths; the peasant child gathered ferns unscared in its sunless -dells. But often the child abandoned his botany in terror, the woodman -bolted for home, and the hunter's heart went down into his boots, at -the sight of a fair young spectre leading a blind phantom through the -silent glades. I saw them there in 1860, while I was gunning. I shot -them. - - - - -SEAFARING. - - -My envious rivals have always sought to cast discredit upon the -following tale, by affirming that mere unadorned truth does not -constitute a work of literary merit. Be it so: I care not what they -call it. A rose with any other smell would be as sweet. - -In the autumn of 1868 I wanted to go from Sacramento, California, to -San Francisco. I at once went to the railway office and bought a -ticket, the clerk telling me that would take me there. But when I -tried it, it wouldn't. Vainly I laid it on the railway and sat down -upon it: it would not move; and every few minutes an engine would come -along and crowd me off the track. I never travelled by so badly -managed a line! - -I then resolved to go by way of the river, and took passage on a -steamboat. The engineer of this boat had once been a candidate for the -State Legislature while I was editing a newspaper. Stung to madness by -the arguments I had advanced against his election (which consisted -mainly in relating how that his cousin was hanged for horse-stealing, -and how that his sister had an intolerable squint which a free people -could never abide), he had sworn to be revenged. After his defeat I -had confessed the charges were false, so far as he personally was -concerned, but this did not seem to appease him. He declared he would -"get even on me," and he did: he blew up the boat. - -Being thus summarily set ashore, I determined that I would be -independent of common carriers destitute of common courtesy. I -purchased a wooden box, just large enough to admit one, and not -transferable. I lay down in this, double-locked it on the outside, and -carrying it to the river, launched it upon the watery waste. The box, -I soon discovered, had an hereditary tendency to turn over. I had -parted my hair in the middle before embarking, but the precaution was -inadequate; it secured not immunity, only impartiality, the box -turning over one way as readily as the other. I could counteract this -evil only by shifting my tobacco from cheek to cheek, and in this way -I got on tolerably well until my navy sprang a leak near the stern. - -I now began to wish I had not locked down the cover; I could have got -out and walked ashore. But it was childish to give way to foolish -regrets; so I lay perfectly quiet, and yelled. Presently I thought of -my jack-knife. By this time the ship was so water-logged as to be a -little more stable. This enabled me to get the knife from my pocket -without upsetting more than six or eight times, and inspired hope. -Taking the whittle between my teeth, I turned over upon my stomach, -and cut a hole through the bottom near the bow. Turning back again, I -awaited the result. Most men would have awaited the result, I think, -if they could not have got out. For some time there was no result. The -ship was too deeply laden astern, where my feet were, and water will -not run up hill unless it is paid to do it. But when I called in all -my faculties for a good earnest think, the weight of my intellect -turned the scale. It was like a cargo of pig-lead in the forecastle. -The water, which for nearly an hour I had kept down by drinking it as -it rose about my lips, began to run out at the hole I had scuttled, -faster than it could be admitted at the one in the stern; and in a few -moments the bottom was so dry you might have lighted a match upon it, -if you had been there, and obtained the captain's permission. - -[Illustration] - -I was all right now. I had got into San Pablo Bay, where it was all -plain sailing. If I could manage to keep off the horizon I should be -somewhere before daylight. But a new annoyance was in store for me. -The steamboats on these waters are constructed of very frail -materials, and whenever one came into collision with my flotilla, she -immediately sank. This was most exasperating, for the piercing shrieks -of the hapless crews and passengers prevented my getting any sleep. -Such disagreeable voices as these people had would have tortured an -ear of corn. I felt as if I would like to step out and beat them -soft-headed with a club; though of course I had not the heart to do -so while the padlock held fast. - -The reader, if he is obliging, will remember that there was formerly -an obstruction in the harbour of San Francisco, called Blossom Rock, -which was some fathoms under water, but not fathoms enough to suit -shipmasters. It was removed by an engineer named Von Schmidt. This -person bored a hole in it, and sent down some men who gnawed out the -whole interior, leaving the rock a mere shell. Into this drawing-room -suite were inserted thirty tons of powder, ten barrels of -nitro-glycerine, and a woman's temper. Von Schmidt then put in -something explosive, and corked up the opening, leaving a long wire -hanging out. When all these preparations were complete, the -inhabitants of San Francisco came out to see the fun. They perched -thickly upon Telegraph Hill from base to summit; they swarmed -innumerable upon the beach; the whole region was black with them. All -that day they waited, and came again the next. Again they were -disappointed, and again they returned full of hope. For three long -weeks they did nothing but squat upon that eminence, looking fixedly -at the wrong place. But when it transpired that Von Schmidt had -hastily left the State directly he had completed his preparations, -leaving the wire floating in the water, in the hope that some -electrical eel might swim against it and ignite the explosives, the -people began to abate their ardour, and move out of town. They said it -might be a good while before a qualified gymnotus would pass that way, -although the State Ichthyologer assured them that he had put some -eels' eggs into the head waters of the Sacramento River not two weeks -previously. But the country was very beautiful at that time of the -year, and the people would not wait. So when the explosion really -occurred, there wasn't anybody in the vicinity to witness it. It was a -stupendous explosion all the same, as the unhappy gymnotus discovered -to his cost. - -Now, I have often thought that if this mighty convulsion had occurred -a year or two earlier than it really did, it would have been bad for -me as I floated idly past, unconscious of danger. As it was, my little -bark was carried out into the broad Pacific, and sank in ten thousand -fathoms of the coldest water!--it makes my teeth chatter to relate it! - - * * * * * - - - - -TONY ROLLO'S CONCLUSION. - - -To a degree unprecedented in the Rollo family, of Illinois, Antony was -an undutiful son. He was so undutiful that he may be said to have been -preposterous. There were seven other sons--Antony was the eldest. His -younger brothers were a nice, well-behaved bevy of boys as ever you -saw. They always attended Sunday School regularly; arriving just -before the Doxology (I think Sunday School exercises terminate that -way), and sitting in a solemn row on a fence outside, waiting with -pious patience for the girls to come forth; then they walked home with -them as far as their respective gates. They were an obedient seven, -too; they knew well enough the respect due to paternal authority, and -when their father told them what was what, and which side up it ought -to lie, they never tarried until he had more than picked up a hickory -cudgel before tacitly admitting the correctness of the riper judgment. -Had the old gentleman commanded the digging of seven graves, and the -fabrication of seven board coffins to match, these necessaries would -have been provided with unquestioning alacrity. - -But Antony, I bleed to state, was of an impractical, pensive turn. He -despised industry, scoffed at Sunday-schooling, set up a private -standard of morals, and rebelled against natural authority. He -wouldn't be a dutiful son--not for money! He had no natural -affections, and loved nothing so well as to sit and think. He was -tolerably thoughtful all the time; but with some farming implement in -his hand he came out strong. He has been known to take an axe between -his knees, and sit on a stump in a "clearing" all day, wrapt in a -single continuous meditation. And when interrupted by the -interposition of night, or by the superposition of the paternal -hickory, he would resume the meditation, next day, precisely where he -left off, going on, and on, and on, in one profound and inscrutable -think. It was a common remark in the neighbourhood that "If Tony Rollo -didn't let up, he'd think his ridiculous white head off!" And on -divers occasions when the old man's hickory had fallen upon that -fleecy globe with unusual ardour, Tony really did think it off--until -the continued pain convinced him it was there yet. - -You would like to know what Tony was thinking of, all these years. -That is what they all wanted to know; but he didn't seem to tell. When -the subject was mentioned he would always try to get away; and if he -could not avoid a direct question, he would blush and stammer in so -distressing a confusion that the doctor forbade all allusion to the -matter, lest the young man should have a convulsion. It was clear -enough, however, that the subject of Tony's meditation was "more than -average inter_est_in'," as his father phrased it; for sometimes he -would give it so grave consideration that observers would double their -anxiety about the safety of his head, which he seemed in danger of -snapping off with solemn nods; and at other times he would laugh -immoderately, smiting his thigh or holding his sides in uncontrollable -merriment. But it went on without abatement, and without any -disclosure; went on until his poor mother's curiosity had worried her -grey hairs in sorrow to the grave; went on until his father, having -worn out all the hickory saplings on the place, had made a fair -beginning upon the young oaks; went on until all the seven brothers, -having married a Sunday-school girl each, had erected comfortable -log-houses upon outlying corners of the father-in-legal farms; on, and -ever on, until Tony was forty years of age! This appeared to be a -turning-point in Tony's career--at this time a subtle change stole -into his life, affecting both his inner and his outer self: he worked -less than formerly, and thought a good deal more! - -Years afterwards, when the fraternal seven were well-to-do -freeholders, with clouds of progeny, making their hearts light and -their expenses heavy--when the old homestead was upgrown with rank -brambles, and the live-stock long extinct--when the aged father had so -fallen into the sere and yellow leaf that he couldn't hit hard enough -to hurt--Tony, the mere shadow of his former self, sat, one evening, -in the chimney corner, thinking very hard indeed. His father and three -or four skeleton hounds were the only other persons present; the old -gentleman quietly shelling a peck of Indian corn given by a grateful -neighbour whose cow he had once pulled out of the mire, and the hounds -thinking how cheerfully they would have assisted him had Nature -kindly made them graminivorous. Suddenly Tony spake. - -"Father," said he, looking straight across the top of the axe-handle -which he held between his knees as a mental stimulant, "father, I've -been thinking of something a good bit lately." - -"Jest thirty-five years, Tony, come next Thanksgiving," replied the -old man, promptly, in a thin asthmatic falsetto. "I recollect your -mother used to say it dated from the time your Aunt Hannah was here -with the girls." - -"Yes, father, I think it may be a matter of thirty-five years; though -it don't seem so long, does it? But I've been thinking harder for the -last week or two, and I'm going to speak out." - -Unbounded amazement looked out at the old man's eyes; his tongue, -utterly unprepared for the unexpected contingency, refused its office; -a corncob imperfectly denuded dropped from his nerveless hand, and was -critically examined, in turn, by the gossamer dogs, hoping against -hope. A smoking brand in the fireplace fell suddenly upon a bed of hot -coals, where, lacking the fortitude of Guatimozin, it emitted a -sputtering protest, followed by a thin flame like a visible agony. In -the resulting light Tony's haggard face shone competitively with a -ruddy blush, which spread over his entire scalp, to the imminent -danger of firing his flaxen hair. - -"Yes, father," he answered, making a desperate clutch at calmness, but -losing his grip, "I'm going to make a clean breast of it this time, -for sure! Then you can do what you like about it." - -The paternal organ of speech found sufficient strength to grind out an -intimation that the paternal ear was open for business. - -"I've studied it all over, father; I've looked at it from every side; -I've been through it with a lantern! And I've come to the conclusion -that, seeing as I'm the oldest, it's about time I was beginning to -think of getting married!" - - * * * * * - - - - -NO CHARGE FOR ATTENDANCE. - - -Near the road leading from Deutscherkirche to Lagerhaus may be seen -the ruins of a little cottage. It never was a very pretentious pile, -but it has a history. About the middle of the last century it was -occupied by one Heinrich Schneider, who was a small farmer--so small a -farmer his clothes wouldn't fit him without a good deal of taking-in. -But Heinrich Schneider was young. He had a wife, however--most small -farmers have when young. They were rather poor: the farm was just -large enough to keep them comfortably hungry. - -Schneider was not literary in his taste; his sole reading was an old -dog's-eared copy of the "Arabian Nights" done into German, and in that -he read nothing but the story of "Aladdin and his Wonderful Lamp." -Upon his five hundredth perusal of that he conceived a valuable idea: -he would rub _his_ lamp and _corral_ a Genie! So he put a thick -leather glove on his right hand, and went to the cupboard to get out -the lamp. He had no lamp. But this disappointment, which would have -been instantly fatal to a more despondent man, was only an agreeable -stimulus to him. He took out an old iron candle-snuffer, and went to -work upon that. - -Now, iron is very hard; it requires more rubbing than any other metal. -I once chafed a Genie out of an anvil, but I was quite weary before I -got him all out; the slightest irritation of a leaden water-pipe would -have fetched the same Genie out of it like a rat from his hole. But -having planted all his poultry, sown his potatoes, and set out his -wheat, Heinrich had the whole summer before him, and he was patient; -he devoted all his time to compelling the attendance of the -Supernatural. - -When the autumn came, the good wife reaped the chickens, dug out the -apples, plucked the pigs and other cereals; and a wonderfully abundant -harvest it was. Schneider's crops had flourished amazingly. That was -because he did not worry them all summer with agricultural implements. -One evening when the produce had been stored, Heinrich sat at his -fireside operating upon his candle-snuffer with the same simple faith -as in the early spring. Suddenly there was a knock at the door, and -the expected Genie put in an appearance. His advent begot no little -surprise in the good couple. - -He was a very substantial incarnation, indeed, of the Supernatural. -About eight feet in length, extremely fat, thick-limbed, ill-favoured, -heavy of movement, and generally unpretty, he did not at first sight -impress his new master any too favourably. - -However, he was given a stool at the fireside, and Heinrich plied him -with a multitude of questions: Where did he come from? whom had he -last served? how did he like Aladdin? and did he think _they_ should -get on well? To all these queries the Genie returned evasive answers; -he was Delphic to the verge of unintelligibility. He would only nod -mysteriously, muttering beneath his breath in some unknown tongue, -probably Arabic--in which, however, his master thought he could -distinguish the words "roast" and "boiled" with significant -frequency. This Genie must have served last in the capacity of cook. - -[Illustration] - -This was a gratifying discovery: for the next four months or so there -would be nothing to do about the farm; the Slave could prepare the -family meals during the winter, and in the spring go regularly to -work. Schneider was too shrewd to risk everything by extravagant -demands all at once. He remembered the roc's egg of the legend, and -thought he would proceed with caution. So the good couple brought out -their cooking utensils, and by pantomime inducted the Slave into the -mystery of their use. They showed him the larder, the cellars, the -granary, the chicken-coops, and everything. He appeared interested and -intelligent, apprehended the salient points of the situation with -marvellous ease, and nodded like he would drop his big head off--did -everything but talk. - -After this the _frau_ prepared the evening meal, the Genie assisting -very satisfactorily, except that his notions of quantity were rather -too liberal; perhaps this was natural in one accustomed to palaces and -courts. When all was on the table, by way of testing his Slave's -obedience Heinrich sat down at the board and carelessly rubbed the -candle-snuffer. The Genie was there in a second! Not only so, but he -fell upon the viands with an ardour and sincerity that were alarming. -In two minutes he had got away with everything on the table. The -rapidity with which that spirit crowded all manner of edibles into his -neck was simply shocking! - -Having finished his repast he stretched himself before the fire and -went to sleep. Heinrich and Barbara were depressed in spirit; they sat -up until nearly morning in silence, waiting for the Genie to vanish -for the night; but he did not perceptibly vanish any. Moreover, he had -not vanished next morning; he had risen with the lark, and was -preparing breakfast, having made his estimates upon a basis of most -immoderate consumption. To this he soon sat down with the same -catholicity of appetite that had distinguished him the previous -evening. Having bolted this preposterous breakfast he arrayed his fat -face in a sable scowl, beat his master with a stewpan, stretched -himself before the fire, and again addressed himself to sleep. Over a -furtive and clandestine meal in the larder, Heinrich and Barbara -confessed themselves thoroughly heart-sick of the Supernatural. - -"I told you so," said he; "depend upon it, patient industry is a -thousand per cent. better than this invisible agency. I will now take -the fatal candle-snuffer a mile from here, rub it real hard, fling it -aside, and run away." - -But he didn't. During the night ten feet of snow had fallen. It lay -all winter too. - -Early the next spring there emerged from that cottage by the wayside -the unstable framework of a man dragging through seas of melting snow -a tottering female of dejected aspect. Forlorn, crippled, famishing, -and discouraged, these melancholy relics held on their way until they -came to a cross-roads (all leading to Lagerhaus), where they saw -clinging to an upright post the tatter of an old placard. It read as -follows: - - LOST, strayed, or stolen, from Herr Schaackhofer's Grand - Museum, the celebrated Patagonian Giant, Ugolulah. Height 8 ft. - 2 in., elegant figure, handsome, intelligent features, - sprightly and vivacious in conversation, of engaging address, - temperate in diet, harmless and tractable in disposition. - Answers to the nickname of Fritz Sneddeker. Any one returning - him to Herr Schaackhofer will receive Seven Thalers Reward, and - no questions asked. - -It was a tempting offer, but they did not go back for the giant. But -he was afterwards discovered sleeping sweetly upon the hearthstone, -after a hearty meal of empty barrels and boxes. Being secured he was -found to be too fat for egress by the door. So the house was pulled -down to let him out; and that is how it happens to be in ruins now. - - * * * * * - - - - -PERNICKETTY'S FRIGHT. - - -_"Sssssst!"_ - -Dan Golby held up his hand to enjoin silence; in a breath we were as -quiet as mice. Then it came again, borne upon the night wind from away -somewhere in the darkness toward the mountains, across miles of -treeless plain--a low, dismal, sobbing sound, like the wail of a -strangling child! It was nothing but the howl of a wolf, and a wolf is -about the last thing a man who knows the cowardly beast would be -afraid of; but there was something so weird and unearthly in this "cry -between the silences"--something so banshee-like in its suggestion of -the grave--that, old mountaineers that we were, and long familiar with -it, we felt an instinctive dread--a dread which was not fear, but only -a sense of utter solitude and desolation. There is no sound known to -mortal ear that has in it so strange a power upon the imagination as -the night-howl of this wretched beast, heard across the dreary wastes -of the desert he disgraces. - -Involuntarily we drew nearer together, and some one of the party -stirred the fire till it sent up a tall flame, widening the black -circle shutting us in on all sides. Again rose the faint far cry, and -was answered by one fainter and more far in the opposite quarter. -Then another, and yet another, struck in--a dozen, a hundred all at -once; and in three minutes the whole invisible outer world seemed to -consist mainly of wolves, jangled out of tune by some convulsion of -nature. - -About this time it was a pleasing study to watch the countenance of -Old Nick. This party had joined us at Fort Benton, whither he had come -on a steamboat, up the Missouri. This was his maiden venture upon the -plains, and his habit of querulous faultfinding had, on the first day -out, secured him the _sobriquet_ of Old Pernicketty, which the -attrition of time had worn down to Old Nick. He knew no more of wolves -and other animals than a naturalist, and he was now a trifle -frightened. He was crouching beside his saddle and kit, listening with -all his soul, his hands suspended before him with divergent fingers, -his face ashy pale, and his jaw hanging unconsidered below. - -Suddenly Dan Golby, who had been watching him with an amused smile, -assumed a grave aspect, listened a moment very intently, and remarked: - -"Boys, if I didn't _know_ those were wolves, I should say we'd better -get out of this." - -"Eh?" exclaimed Nick, eagerly; "if you did not know they were -_wolves_? Why, what else, and what worse, could they be?" - -"Well, there's an innocent!" replied Dan, winking slyly at the rest of -us. "Why, they _might_ be Injuns, of course. Don't you know, you old -bummer, that that's the way the red devils run a surprise party? Don't -you know that when you hear a parcel of wolves letting on like that, -at night, it's a hundred to one they carry bows and arrows?" - -Here one or two old hunters on the opposite side of the fire, who had -not caught Dan's precautionary wink, laughed good-humouredly, and made -derisive comments. At this Dan seemed much vexed, and getting up, he -strode over to them to argue it out. It was surprising how easily they -were brought round to his way of thinking! - -By this time Old Nick was thoroughly perturbed. He fidgeted about, -examining his rifle and pistols, tightened his belt, and looked in the -direction of his horse. His anxiety became so painful that he did not -attempt to conceal it. Upon our part, we affected to partially share -it. One of us finally asked Dan if he was quite _sure_ they were -wolves. Then Dan listened a long time with his ear to the ground, -after which he said, hesitatingly: - -"Well, no; there's no such thing as _absolute_ certainty, I suppose; -but I _think_ they're wolves. Still, there's no harm in being ready -for anything--always well to be ready, I suppose." - -Nick needed nothing more; he pounced upon his saddle and bridle, slung -them upon his mustang, and had everything snug in less time than it -takes to tell it. The rest of the party were far too comfortable to -co-operate with Dan to any considerable extent; we contented ourselves -with making a show of examining our weapons. All this time the wolves, -as is their way when attracted by firelight, were closing in, -clamouring like a legion of fiends. If Nick had known that a single -pistol-shot would have sent them scampering away for dear life, I -presume he would have fired one; as it was, he had Indian on the -brain, and just stood by his horse, quaking till his teeth rattled -like dice in a box. - -"No," pursued the implacable Dan, "these _can't_ be Injuns; for if -they were, we should, perhaps, hear an owl or two among them. The -chiefs sometimes hoot, owl-fashion, just to let the rabble know -they're standing up to the work like men, and to show where they are." - -_"Too-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooaw!"_ - -It took us all by surprise. Nick made one spring and came down astride -his sleepy mustang, with force enough to have crushed a smaller beast. -We all rose to our feet, except Jerry Hunker, who was lying flat on -his stomach, with his head buried in his arms, and whom we had thought -sound asleep. One look at _him_ reassured us as to the "owl" business, -and we settled back, each man pretending to his neighbour that he had -got up merely for effect upon Nick. - -That man was now a sight to see. He sat in his saddle gesticulating -wildly, and imploring us to get ready. He trembled like a jelly-fish. -He took out his pistols, cocked them, and thrust them so back into the -holsters, without knowing what he was about. He cocked his rifle, -holding it with the muzzle directed anywhere, but principally our way; -grasped his bowie-knife between his teeth, and cut his tongue trying -to talk; spurred his nag into the fire, and backed him out across our -blankets; and finally sat still, utterly unnerved, while we roared -with the laughter we could no longer suppress. - -_Hwissss! pft! swt! cheew!_ Bones of Caesar! The arrows flitted and -clipt amongst us like a flight of bats! Dan Golby threw a -double-summersault, alighting on his head. Dory Durkee went smashing -into the fire. Jerry Hunker was pinned to the sod where he lay fast -asleep. Such dodging and ducking, and clawing about for weapons I -never saw. And such genuine Indian yelling--it chills my marrow to -write of it! - -Old Nick vanished like a dream; and long before we could find our -tools and get to work we heard the desultory reports of his pistols -exploding in his holsters, as his pony measured off the darkness -between us and safety. - -For some fifteen minutes we had tolerable warm work of it, -individually, collectively, and miscellaneously; single-handed, and -one against a dozen; struggling with painted savages in the firelight, -and with one another in the dark; shooting the living, and stabbing -the dead; stampeding our horses, and fighting _them_; battling with -anything that would battle, and smashing our gunstocks on whatever -would not! - -When all was done--when we had renovated our fire, collected our -horses, and got our dead into position--we sat down to talk it over. -As we sat there, cutting up our clothing for bandages, digging the -poisoned arrow-heads out of our limbs, readjusting our scalps, or -swapping them for such vagrant ones as there was nobody to identify, -we could not help smiling to think how we had frightened Old Nick. Dan -Golby, who was sinking rapidly, whispered that "it was the one sweet -memory he had to sustain and cheer him in crossing the dark river into -everlasting f----." It is uncertain how Dan would have finished that -last word; he may have meant "felicity"--he may have meant "fire." It -is nobody's business. - - * * * * * - - - - -JUNIPER. - - -He was a dwarf, was Juniper. About the time of his birth Nature was -executing a large order for prime giants, and had need of all her -materials. Juniper infested the wooded interior of Norway, and dwelt -in a cave--a miserable hole in which a blind bat in a condition of -sempiternal torpor would have declined to hibernate, rent-free. -Juniper was such a feeble little wretch, so inoffensive in his way of -life, so modest in his demeanour, that every one was disposed to love -him like a cousin; there was not enough of him to love like a brother. -He, too, was inclined to return the affection; he was too weak to love -very hard, but he made the best stagger at it he could. But a singular -fatality prevented a perfect communion of soul between him and his -neighbours. A strange destiny had thrown its shadow upon him, which -made it cool for him in summer. There was a divinity that shaped his -ends extremely rough, no matter how he hewed them. - -Somewhere in that vicinity lived a monstrous bear--a great hulking -obnoxious beast who had no more soul than tail. This rascal had -somehow conceived a notion that the appointed function of his -existence was the extermination of the dwarf. If you met the latter -you might rely with cheerful confidence upon seeing the ferocious -brute in eager pursuit of him in less than a minute. No sooner would -Juniper fairly accost you, looking timidly over his shoulder the -while, than the raging savage would leap out of some contiguous jungle -and make after him like a locomotive engine too late for the train. -Then poor Juniper would streak it for the nearest crowd of people, -diving and dodging amongst their shins with nimble skill, shrieking -all the time like a panther. He was as earnest about it as if he had -made a bet upon the result of the race. Of course everybody was too -busy to stop, but in his blind terror the dwarf would single out some -luckless wight--commonly some well-dressed person; Juniper -instinctively sought the protection of the aristocracy--getting -behind him, ducking between his legs, surrounding him, dancing through -him--doing anything to save the paltry flitch of his own bacon. -Presently the bear would lose all patience and nip the other fellow. -Then, ashamed of losing his temper, he would sneak sullenly away, -taking along the body. When he had gone, poor Juniper would fall upon -his knees, tearing his beard, pounding his breast, and crying _Mea -culpa_ in deep remorse. Afterwards he would pay a visit of condolence -to the bereaved relations and offer to pay the funeral expenses; but -of course there never were any funeral expenses. Everybody, as before -stated, liked the unhappy dwarf, but nobody liked the company he kept, -and people were not at home to him as a rule. Whenever he came into a -village traffic was temporarily suspended, and he was made the centre -of as broad a solitude as could be hastily improvised. - -Many were the attempts to capture the terrible beast; hundreds of the -country people would assemble to hunt him with guns and dogs. But even -the dogs seemed to have an instinctive sense of some occult connection -between him and the dwarf, and could never be made to understand that -it was the former that was wanted. Directly they were laid on the -scent they would forsake it to invest the dwarf's abode; and it was -with much difficulty the pitying huntsmen could induce them to raise -the siege. Things went on in this unsatisfactory fashion for years; -the population annually decreasing, and Juniper making the most -miraculous escapes. - -Now there resided in a small village near by, a brace of twins; little -orphan girls, named Jalap and Ginseng. Their considerate neighbours -had told them such pleasing tales about the bear that they decided to -leave the country. So they got their valuables together in a box and -set out. They met Juniper! He approached to inform them it was a fine -morning, when the great beast of a bear "rose like the steam of rich -distilled perfume" from the earth in front of them, and made a mouth -at him. Juniper did not run, as might have been expected; he stood for -a moment peering into the brute's cavernous jaws, and then flew! He -absented himself with such extraordinary nimbleness that after he was -a mile distant his image appeared to be standing there yet; and -looking back he saw it himself. Baffled of his dwarf, the bear thought -he would make a shift to get on, for the present, with an orphan. So -he picked up Jalap by her middle, and thoughtfully withdrew. - -[Illustration] - -The thankful but disgusted Ginseng continued her emigration, but soon -missed the jewel-box, which in their alarm had been dropped and burst -asunder. She did not much care for the jewels, but it contained some -valuable papers, among them the "Examiner" (a print which once had the -misfortune to condemn a book written by the author of this tale) and -this she doted on. Returning for her property, she peered cautiously -around the angle of a rock, and saw a spectacle that begot in her mind -a languid interest. The bear had returned upon a similar mission; he -was calmly distending his cheeks with the contents of the broken box. -And perched on a rock near at hand sat Juniper waiting for him! - -It was natural that a suspicion of collusion between the two should -dawn upon that infant's mind. It did dawn; it brightened and broadened -into the perfect day of conviction. It was a revelation to the child. -"At that moment," said she afterwards, "I felt that I could lay my -finger on the best-trained bear in Christendom." But with praiseworthy -moderation she controlled herself and didn't do it; she just stood -still and allowed the beast to proceed. Having stored all the jewels -in his capacious mouth, he began taking in the valuable papers. First -some title-deeds disappeared; then some railway bonds; presently a -roll of rent-receipts. All these seemed to be as honey to his tongue; -he smiled a smile of tranquil happiness. Finally the newspaper -vanished into his face like a wisp of straw drawn into a threshing -machine. - -Then the brute expanded his mouth with a ludicrous gape, spilling out -the jewels, a glittering shower. Then he snapped his jaws like a steel -trap afflicted with _tetanus_, and stood on his head awhile. Next he -made a feeble endeavour to complicate the relations between his -parts--to tie himself into a love-knot. Failing in this he lay flat -upon his side, wept, retched, and finally, fashioning his visage into -the semblance of sickly grin, gave up the ghost. I don't know what he -died of; I suppose it was hereditary in his family. - -The guilty come always to grief. Juniper was arrested, charged with -conspiracy to kill, tried, convicted, sentenced to be hanged, and -before the sun went down was pardoned. In searching his cavern the -police discovered countless human bones, much torn clothing, and a -mighty multitude of empty purses. But nothing of any value--not an -article of any value. It was a mystery what Juniper had done with his -ill-gotten valuables. The police confessed it was a mystery! - - * * * * * - - - - -FOLLOWING THE SEA. - - -At the time of "the great earthquake of '68," I was at Arica, Peru. I -have not a map by me, and am not certain that Arica is not in Chili, -but it can't make much difference; there was earthquake all along -there. As nearly as I can remember it occured in August--about the -middle of August, 1869 or '70. - -Sam Baxter was with me; I think we had gone from San Francisco to make -a railway, or something. On the morning of the 'quake, Sam and I had -gone down to the beach to bathe. We had shed our boots and begun to -moult, when there was a slight tremor of the earth, as if the elephant -who supports it were pushing upwards, or lying down and getting up -again. Next, the surges, which were flattening themselves upon the -sand and dragging away such small trifles as they could lay hold of, -began racing out seaward, as if they had received a telegraphic -dispatch that somebody was not expected to live. This was needless, -for _we_ did not expect to live. - -When the sea had receded entirely out of sight, we started after it; -for it will be remembered we had come to bathe; and bathing without -some kind of water is not refreshing in a hot climate. I have heard -that bathing in asses' milk is invigorating, but at that time I had no -dealings with other authors. I have had no dealings with them since. - -For the first four or five miles the walking was very difficult, -although the grade was tolerably steep. The ground was soft, there -were tangled forests of sea-weed, old rotting ships, rusty anchors, -human skeletons, and a multitude of things to impede the pedestrian. -The floundering sharks bit our legs as we toiled past them, and we -were constantly slipping down upon the flat fish strewn about like -orange-peel on a sidewalk. Sam, too, had stuffed his shirt-front with -such a weight of Spanish doubloons from the wreck of an old galleon, -that I had to help him across all the worst places. It was very -dispiriting. - -Presently, away on the western horizon, I saw the sea coming back. It -occurred to me then that I did not wish it to come back. A tidal wave -is nearly always wet, and I was now a good way from home, with no -means of making a fire. - -The same was true of Sam, but he did not appear to think of it in that -way. He stood quite still a moment with his eyes fixed on the -advancing line of water; then turned to me, saying, very earnestly: - -"Tell you what, William; I never wanted a ship so bad from the cradle -to the grave! I would give m-o-r-e for a ship!--more than for all the -railways and turnpikes you could scare up! I'd give more than a -hundred, thousand, million dollars! I would--I'd give all I'm worth, -and all my Erie shares, for--just--one--little--ship!" - -To show how lightly he could part with his wealth, he lifted his shirt -out of his trousers, unbosoming himself of his doubloons, which -tumbled about his feet, a golden storm. - -By this time the tidal wave was close upon us. Call _that_ a wave! It -was one solid green wall of water, higher than Niagara Falls, -stretching as far as we could see to right and left, without a break -in its towering front! It was by no means clear what we ought to do. -The moving wall showed no projections by means of which the most -daring climber could hope to reach the top. There was no ivy; there -were no window-ledges. Stay!--there was the lightning-conductor! No, -there wasn't any lightning-conductor. Of course, not! - -Looking despairingly upward, I made a tolerably good beginning at -thinking of all the mean actions I had wrought in the flesh, when I -saw projecting beyond the crest of the wave a ship's bowsprit, with a -man sitting on it, reading a newspaper! Thank fortune, we were saved! - -Falling upon our knees with tearful gratitude, we got up again and -ran--ran as fast as we could, I suspect; for now the whole fore-part -of the ship bulged through the water directly above our heads, and -might lose its balance any moment. If we had only brought along our -umbrellas! - -I shouted to the man on the bowsprit to drop us a line. He merely -replied that his correspondence was already very onerous, and he -hadn't any pen and ink. - -Then I told him I wanted to get aboard. He said I would find one on -the beach, about three leagues to the south'ard, where the "Nancy -Tucker" went ashore. - -At these replies I was disheartened. It was not so much that the man -withheld assistance, as that he made puns. Presently, however, he -folded his newspaper, put it carefully away in his pocket, went and -got a line, and let it down to us just as we were about to give up the -race. Sam made a lunge at it, and got it--right into his side! For the -fiend above had appended a shark-hook to the end of the line--which -was _his_ notion of humour. But this was no time for crimination and -recrimination. I laid hold of Sam's legs, the end of the rope was -passed about the capstan, and as soon as the men on board had had a -little grog, we were hauled up. I can assure you that it was no fine -experience to go up in that way, close to the smooth vertical front of -water, with the whales tumbling out all round and above us, and the -sword-fishes nosing us pointedly with vulgar curiosity. - -We had no sooner set foot on deck, and got Sam disengaged from the -hook, than the purser stepped up with book and pencil. - -"Tickets, gentlemen." - -We told him we hadn't any tickets, and he ordered us to be set ashore -in a boat. It was represented to him that this was quite impossible -under the circumstances; but he replied that he had nothing to do with -circumstances--did not know anything about circumstances. Nothing -would move him till the captain, who was a really kind-hearted man, -came on deck and knocked him overboard with a spare topmast. We were -now stripped of our clothing, chafed all over with stiff brushes, -rolled on our stomachs, wrapped in flannels, laid before a hot stove -in the saloon, and strangled with scalding brandy. We had not been -wet, nor had we swallowed any sea-water, but the surgeon said this was -the proper treatment. I suspect, poor man, he did not often get the -opportunity to resuscitate anybody; in fact, he admitted he had not -had any such case as ours for years. It is uncertain what he might -have done to us if the tender-hearted captain had not thrashed him -into his cabin with a knotted hawser, and told us to go on deck. - -By this time the ship was passing above the town of Arica, and the -sailors were all for'd, sitting on the bulwarks, snapping peas and -small shot at the terrified inhabitants flitting through the streets a -hundred feet below. These harmless projectiles rattled very merrily -upon the upturned boot-soles of the fleeting multitude; but not seeing -any fun in this, we were about to go astern and fish a little, when -the ship grounded on a hill-top. The captain hove out all the anchors -he had about him; and when the water went swirling back to its legal -level, taking the town along for company, there we were, in the midst -of a charming agricultural country, but at some distance from any -sea-port. - -At sunrise next morning we were all on deck. Sam sauntered aft to the -binnacle, cast his eye carelessly upon the compass, and uttered an -ejaculation of astonishment. - -"Tell _you_, captain," he called out, "this has been a direr -convulsion of nature than you have any idea. Everything's been screwed -right round. Needle points due south!" - -"Why, you cussed lubber!" growled the skipper, moving up and taking a -look, "it p'ints d'rectly to labbard, an' there's the sun, dead -ahead!" - -Sam turned and confronted him, with a steady gaze of ineffable -contempt. - -"Now, who said it wasn't dead ahead?--tell me _that_. Shows how much -_you_ know about earthquakes. 'Course, I didn't mean just this -continent, nor just this earth: I tell you, the _whole thing's_ -turned!" - - * * * * * - - - - -A TALE OF SPANISH VENGEANCE. - - -Don Hemstitch Blodoza was an hidalgo--one of the highest dalgos of old -Spain. He had a comfortably picturesque castle on the Guadalquiver, -with towers, battlements, and mortages on it; but as it belonged, not -to his own creditors, but to those of his bitterest enemy, who -inhabited it, Don Hemstitch preferred the forest as a steady -residence. He had that curse of Spanish pride which will not permit -one to be a burden upon the man who may happen to have massacred all -one's relations, and set a price upon the heads of one's family -generally. He had made a vow never to accept the hospitality of Don -Symposio--not if he died for it. So he pervaded the romantic dells, -and the sunless jungle was infected with the sound of his guitar. He -rose in the morning and laved him in the limpid brooklet; and the -beams of the noonday sun fell upon him in the pursuit of diet-- - - "The thistle's downy seed his fare, - His drink the morning dew." - -He throve but indifferently upon this meagre regimen, but beyond all -other evils a true Spaniard of the poorer sort dreads obesity. During -the darkest night of the season he will get up at an absurd hour and -stab his best friend in the back rather than grow fat. - -It will of course be suspected by the experienced reader that Don -Hemstitch did not have any bed. Like the Horatian lines above quoted-- - - "He perched at will on every spray." - -In translating this tale into the French, M. Victor Hugo will please -twig the proper meaning of the word "spray"; I shall be very angry if -he make it appear that my hero is a gull. - -One morning while Don Hemstitch was dozing upon his leafy couch--not -his main couch, but a branch--he was roused from his tranquil nap by -the grunting of swine; or, if you like subtle distinctions, by the -sound of human voices. Peering cautiously through his bed-hangings, he -saw below him at a little distance two of his countrymen in -conversation. The fine practised phrenzy of their looks, their -excellently rehearsed air of apprehensive secrecy, showed him they -were merely conspiring against somebody's life; and he dismissed the -matter from his mind until the mention of his own name recalled his -attention. One of the conspirators was urging the other to make one of -a joint-stock company for the Don's assassination; but the more -conscientious plotter would not consent. - -"The laws of Spain," said the latter, "with which we have an -acquaintance meanly withheld from the attorneys, enjoin that when one -man murders another, except for debt, he must make provision for the -widow and orphans. I leave it to you if, after the summer's -unprofitable business, we are in a position to assume the care and -education of a large family. We have not a single asset, and our -liabilities amount to fourteen widows, and more than thirty children -of strong and increasing appetite. - -"_Car-r-rajo!"_ hissed the other through his beard; "we will slaughter -the lot of them!" - -At this cold-blooded proposition his merciful companion recoiled -aghast. - -"_Diablo_!" he shrieked. "Tempt me no farther. What! immolate a whole -hecatomb of guiltless women and children? Consider the funeral -expense!" - -There is really no moving the law-abiding soul to crime of doubtful -profit. But Don Hemstitch was not at ease; he could not say how soon -it might transpire that he had nor chick nor child. Should Don -Symposio pass that way and communicate this information--and he was in -a position to know--the moral scruples of the conscientious plotter -would vanish like the baseless fabric of a beaten cur. Moreover, it is -always unpleasant to be included in a conspiracy in which one is not a -conspirator. Don Hemstitch resolved to sell his life at the highest -market price. - -Hastily descending his tree, he wrapped his cloak about him and -stood for some time, wishing he had a poniard. Trying the temper of -this upon his thumbnail, he found it much more amiable than his own. -It was a keen Toledo blade--keen enough to sever a hare. To nerve -himself for the deadly work before him, he began thinking of a lady -whom he had once met--the lovely Donna Lavaca, beloved of El -Toro-blanco. Having thus wrought up his Castilian soul to a high pitch -of jealously, he felt quite irresistible, and advanced towards the two -ruffians with his poniard deftly latent in his flowing sleeve. His -mien was hostile, his stride puissant, his nose tip-tilted--not to put -too fine a point upon it, petallic. Don Hemstitch was upon the -war-path with all his might. The forest trembled as he trode, the -earth bent like thin ice beneath his heel. Birds, beasts, serpents, -and poachers fled affrighted to the right and left of his course. He -came down upon the unsuspecting assassins like a mild Spanish -avalanche. - -[Illustration] - -"_Senores!_" he thundered, with a frightful scowl and a faint aroma of -garlic, "patter your _pater-nosters_ as fast as you conveniently may. -You have but ten minutes to exist. Has either of you a watch?" - -Then might you have seen a guilty dismay over-spreading the faces of -two sinners, like a sudden snow paling twin mountain peaks. In the -presence of Death, Crime shuddered and sank into his boots. Conscience -stood appalled in the sight of Retribution. In vain the villains -essayed speech; each palsied tongue beat out upon the yielding air -some weak words of supplication, then clave to its proper concave. Two -pairs of brawny knees unsettled their knitted braces, and bent limply -beneath their loads of incarnate wickedness swaying unsteadily above. -With clenched hands and streaming eyes these wretched men prayed -silently. At this supreme moment an American gentleman sitting by, -with his heels upon a rotted oaken stump, tilted back his chair, laid -down his newspaper, and began operating upon a half-eaten apple-pie. -One glance at the title of that print--one look at that calm angular -face clasped in its crescent of crisp crust--and Don Hemstitch Blodoza -reeled, staggered like an exhausted spinning-top. He spread his -baffled hand upon his eyes, and sank heavily to earth! - -"Saved! saved!" shrieked the penitent conspirators, springing to their -feet. The far deeps of the forest whispered in consultation, and a -distant hillside echoed back the words. "Saved!" sang the -rocks--"Saved!" the glad birds twittered from the leaves above. The -hare that Don Hemstitch Blodoza's poniard would have severed limped -awkwardly but confidently about, saying, "Saved!" as well as he knew -how. - -Explanation is needless. The American gentleman was the Special -Correspondent of the "New York Herald." It is tolerably well known -that except beneath his searching eye no considerable event can -occur--and his whole attention was focused upon that apple-pie! - -That is how Spanish vengeance was balked of its issue. - - * * * * * - - - - -MRS. DENNISON'S HEAD. - - -While I was employed in the Bank of Loan and Discount (said Mr. -Applegarth, smiling the smile with which he always prefaced a nice old -story), there was another clerk there, named Dennison--a quiet, -reticent fellow, the very soul of truth, and a great favourite with -us all. He always wore crape on his hat, and once when asked for whom -he was in mourning he replied his wife, and seemed much affected. We -all expressed our sympathy as delicately as possible, and no more was -said upon the subject. Some weeks after this he seemed to have arrived -at that stage of tempered grief at which it becomes a relief to give -sorrow words--to speak of the departed one to sympathizing friends; -for one day he voluntarily began talking of his bereavement, and of -the terrible calamity by which his wife had been deprived of her head! - -This sharpened our curiosity to the keenest edge; but of course we -controlled it, hoping he would volunteer some further information with -regard to so singular a misfortune; but when day after day went by and -he did not allude to the matter, we got worked up into a fever of -excitement about it. One evening after Dennison had gone, we held a -kind of political meeting about it, at which all possible and -impossible methods of decapitation were suggested as the ones to which -Mrs. D. probably owed her extraordinary demise. I am sorry to add that -we so far forgot the grave character of the event as to lay small -wagers that it was done this way or that way; that it was accidental -or premeditated; that she had had a hand in it herself or that it was -wrought by circumstances beyond her control. All was mere conjecture, -however; but from that time Dennison, as the custodian of a secret -upon which we had staked our cash, was an object of more than usual -interest. It wasn't entirely that, either; aside from our paltry -wagers, we felt a consuming curiosity to know the truth for its own -sake. Each set himself to work to elicit the dread secret in some way; -and the misdirected ingenuity we developed was wonderful. All sorts -of pious devices were resorted to to entice poor Dennison into -clearing up the mystery. By a thousand indirect methods we sought to -entrap him into divulging all. History, fiction, poesy--all were laid -under contribution, and from Goliah down, through Charles I., to Sam -Spigger, a local celebrity who got his head entangled in mill -machinery, every one who had ever mourned the loss of a head received -his due share of attention during office hours. The regularity with -which we introduced, and the pertinacity with which we stuck to, this -one topic came near getting us all discharged; for one day the cashier -came out of his private office and intimated that if we valued our -situations the subject of hanging would afford us the means of -retaining them. He added that he always selected his subordinates with -an eye to their conversational abilities, but variety of subject was -as desirable, at times, as exhaustive treatment. - -During all this discussion Dennison, albeit he had evinced from the -first a singular interest in the theme, and shirked not his fair share -of the conversation, never once seemed to understand that it had any -reference to himself. His frank truthful nature was quite unable to -detect the personal significance of the subject. It was plain that -nothing short of a definite inquiry would elicit the information we -were dying to obtain; and at a "caucus," one evening, we drew lots to -determine who should openly propound it. The choice fell upon me. - -Next morning we were at the bank somewhat earlier than usual, waiting -impatiently for Dennison and the time to open the doors: they always -arrived together. When Dennison stepped into the room, bowing in his -engaging manner to each clerk as he passed to his own desk, I -confronted him, shaking him warmly by the hand. At that moment all -the others fell to writing and figuring with unusual avidity, as if -thinking of anything under the sun except Dennison's wife's head. - -"Oh, Dennison," I began, as carelessly as I could manage it; "speaking -of decapitation reminds me of something I would like to ask you. I -have intended asking it several times, but it has always slipped my -memory. Of course you will pardon me if it is not a fair question." - -As if by magic, the scratching of pens died away, leaving a dead -silence which quite disconcerted me; but I blundered on: - -"I heard the other day--that is, you said--or it was in the -newspapers--- or somewhere--something about your poor wife, you -understand--about her losing her head. Would you mind telling me how -such a distressing accident--if it was an accident--occurred?" - -When I had finished, Dennison walked straight past me as if he didn't -see me, went round the counter to his stool, and perched himself -gravely on the top of it, facing the other clerks. Then he began -speaking, calmly, and without apparent emotion: - -"Gentlemen, I have long desired to speak of this thing, but you gave -me no encouragement, and I naturally supposed you were indifferent. I -now thank you all for the friendly interest you take in my affairs. I -will satisfy your curiosity upon this point at once, if you will -promise never hereafter to allude to the matter, and to ask not a -single question now." - -We all promised upon our sacred honour, and collected about him with -the utmost eagerness. He bent his head a moment, then raised it, -quietly saying: - -"My poor wife's head was bitten off!" - -"By what?" we all exclaimed eagerly, with suspended breath. - -He gave us a look full of reproach, turned to his desk, and went at -his work. - -We went at ours. - - * * * * * - - - - -A FOWL WITCH. - - -Frau Gaubenslosher was strongly suspected of witchcraft. I don't think -she was a witch, but would not like to swear she was not, in a court -of law, unless a good deal depended upon my testimony, and I had been -properly suborned beforehand. A great many persons accused of -witchcraft have themselves stoutly disbelieved the charge, until, when -subjected to shooting with a silver bullet or boiling in oil, they -have found themselves unable to endure the test. And it must be -confessed appearances were against the Frau. In the first place, she -lived quite alone in a forest, and had no visiting list. This was -suspicious. Secondly--and it was thus, mainly, that she had acquired -her evil repute--all the barn-yard fowls in the vicinity seemed to -bear her the most uncompromising ill-will. Whenever she passed a flock -of hens, or ducks, or turkeys, or geese, one of them, with dropped -wings, extended neck, and open bill, would start in hot pursuit. -Sometimes the whole flock would join in for a few moments with shrill -clamour; but there would always be one fleeter and more determined -than the rest, and that one would keep up the chase with unflagging -zeal clean out of sight. - -Upon these occasions the dame's fright was painful to behold. She -would not scream--her organs of screech seemed to have lost their -power--nor, as a rule, would she curse; she would just address herself -to silent prayerful speed, with every symptom of abject terror! - -The Frau's explanation of this unnatural persecution was singularly -weak. Upon a certain night long ago, said she, a poor bedraggled and -attenuated gander had applied at her door for relief. He stated in -piteous accents that he had eaten nothing for months but tin-tacks and -an occasional beer-bottle; and he had not roosted under cover for so -long a time he did not know what it was like. Would she give him a -place on her fender, and fetch out six or eight cold pies to amuse him -while she was preparing his supper? To this plea she turned a deaf -ear, and he went away. He came again the next night, however, bringing -a written certificate from a clergyman that his case was a deserving -one. She would not aid him, and he departed. The night after he -presented himself again, with a paper signed by the relieving officer -of the parish, stating that the necessity for help was most urgent. - -By this time the Frau's good-nature was quite exhausted: she slew him, -dressed him, put him in a pot, and boiled him. She kept him boiling -for three or four days, but she did not eat him because her teeth were -just like anybody's teeth--no weaker, perhaps, but certainly no -stronger nor sharper. So she fed him to a threshing machine of her -acquaintance, which managed to masticate some of the more modern -portions, but was hopelessly wrecked upon the neck. From that time the -poor beldame had lived under the ban of a great curse. Hens took -after her as naturally as after the soaring beetle; geese pursued her -as if she were a fleeting tadpole; ducks, turkeys, and guinea fowl -camped upon her trail with tireless pertinacity. - -Now there was a leaven of improbability in this tale, and it leavened -the whole lump. Ganders do not roost; there is not one in a hundred of -them that could sit on a fender long enough to say Jack Robinson. So, -as the Frau lived a thousand years before the birth of common -sense--say about a half century ago--when everything uncommon had a -smell of the supernatural, there was nothing for it but to consider -her a witch. Had she been very feeble and withered, the people would -have burned her, out of hand; but they did not like to proceed to -extremes without perfectly legal evidence. They were cautious, for -they had made several mistakes recently. They had sentenced two or -three females to the stake, and upon being stripped the limbs and -bodies of these had not redeemed the hideous promise of their -shrivelled faces and hands. Justice was ashamed of having toasted -comparatively plump and presumably innocent women; and the punishment -of this one was wisely postponed until the proof should be all in. - -But in the meantime a graceless youth, named Hans Blisselwartle, made -the startling discovery that none of the fowls that pursued the Frau -ever came back to boast of it. A brief martial career seemed to have -weaned them from the arts of peace and the love of their kindred. Full -of unutterable suspicion, Hans one day followed in the rear of an -exciting race between the timorous dame and an avenging pullet. They -were too rapid for him; but bursting suddenly in at the lady's door -some fifteen minutes afterward, he found her in the act of placing -the plucked and eviscerated Nemesis upon her cooking range. The Frau -betrayed considerable confusion; and although the accusing -Blisselwartle could not but recognize in her act a certain poetic -justice, he could not conceal from himself that there was something -grossly selfish and sordid in it. He thought it was a good deal like -bottling an annoying ghost and selling him for clarified moonlight; or -like haltering a nightmare and putting her to the cart. - -When it transpired that the Frau ate her feathered persecutors, the -patience of the villagers refused to honour the new demand upon it: -she was at once arrested, and charged with prostituting a noble -superstition to a base selfish end. We will pass over the trial; -suffice it she was convicted. But even then they had not the heart to -burn a middle-aged woman, with full rounded outlines, as a witch, so -they broke her upon the wheel as a thief. - -[Illustration] - -The reckless antipathy of the domestic fowls to this inoffensive lady -remains to be explained. Having rejected her theory, I am bound in -honour to set up one of my own. Happily an inventory of her effects, -now before me, furnishes a tolerably safe basis. Amongst the articles -of personal property I note "One long, thin, silken fishing line, and -hook." Now if I were a barn-yard fowl--say a goose--and a lady not a -friend of mine were to pass me, munching sweetmeats, and were to drop -a nice fat worm, passing on apparently unconscious of her loss, I -think I should try to get away with that worm. And if after swallowing -it I felt drawn towards that lady by a strong personal attachment, I -suppose that I should yield if I could not help it. And then if the -lady chose to run and I chose to follow, making a good deal of noise, -I suppose it would look as if I were engaged in a very reprehensible -pursuit, would it not? With the light I have, that is the way in -which the case presents itself to my intelligence; though, of course, -I may be wrong. - - * * * * * - - - - -THE CIVIL SERVICE IN FLORIDA. - - -Colonel Bulper was of a slumberous turn. Most people are not: they -work all day and sleep all night--are always in one or the other -condition of unrest, and never slumber. Such persons, the Colonel used -to remark, are fit only for sentry duty; they are good to watch our -property while we take our rest--and they take the property. But this -tale is not of them; it is of Colonel Bulper. - -There was a fellow named Halsey, a practical joker, and one of the -most disagreeable of his class. He would remain broad awake for a year -at a time, for no other purpose than to break other people of their -natural rest. And I must admit that from the wreck of his faculties -upon the rock of _insomnia_ he had somehow rescued a marvellous -ingenuity and fertility of expedient. But this tale is not so much of -him as of Colonel Bulper. - -At the time of which I write, the Colonel was the Collector of Customs -at a sea-port town in Florida, United States. The climate there is -perpetual summer; it never rains, nor anything; and there was no good -reason why the Colonel should not have enjoyed it to the top of his -bent, as there was enough for all. In point of fact, the Collectorship -had been given him solely that he might repair his wasted vitality by -a short season of unbroken repose; for during the Presidential canvass -immediately preceding his appointment he had been kept awake a long -time by means of strong tea, in order to deliver an able and -exhaustive political argument prepared by the candidate, who was -ultimately successful in spite of it. Halsey, who had favoured the -other aspirant, was a merchant, and had nothing in the world to do but -annoy the collector. If the latter could have kept away from him, the -dignity of the office might have been preserved, and the object of the -incumbent's appointment to it attained; but sneak away whithersoever -he might--into the heart of the dismal swamp, or anywhere in the -Everglades--some vagrom Indian or casual negro was sure to stumble -over him before long, and go and tell Halsey, securing a plug of -tobacco for reward. Or if he was not found in this way, some company -was tolerably certain, in the course of time, to survey a line of -railway athwart his leafy couch, and laying his prostrate trunk aside -out of the way, send word to his persecutor; who, as soon as the line -was as nearly completed as it ever would be, would come down on -horseback with some diabolical device for waking the slumberer. I will -confess there is a subtle seeming of unlikelihood about all this; but -in the land where Ponce de Leon searched for the Fountain of Youth -there is an air of unreality in everything. I can only say I have had -the story by me a long time, and it seems to me just as true as it was -the day I wrote it. - -Sometimes the Colonel would seek out a hillside with a southern -exposure; but no sooner would he compose his members for a bit of -slumber, than Halsey would set about making inquiries for him, under -pretence that a ship was _en route_ from Liverpool, and the -collector's signature might be required for her anchoring papers. -Having traced him--which, owing to the meddlesome treachery of the -venal natives, he was always able to do--Halsey would set off to Texas -for a seed of the prickly pear, which he would plant exactly beneath -the slumberer's body. This he called a triumph of modern engineering! -As soon as the young vegetable had pushed its spines above the soil, -of course the Colonel would have to get up and seek another spot--and -this nearly always waked him. - -Upon one occasion the Colonel existed five consecutive days without -slumber--travelling all day and sleeping in the weeds at night--to -find an almost inaccessible crag, on the summit of which he hoped to -be undisturbed until the action of the dew should wear away the rock -all round his body, when he expected and was willing to roll off and -wake. But even there Halsey found him out, and put eagles' eggs in his -southern pockets to hatch. When the young birds were well grown, they -pecked so sharply at the Colonel's legs that he had to get up and -wring their necks. The malevolence of people who scorn slumber seems -to be practically unlimited. - -At last the Colonel resolved upon revenge, and having dreamed out a -feasible plan, proceeded to put it into execution. He had in the -warehouse some Government powder, and causing a keg of this to be -conveyed into his private office, he knocked out the head. He next -penned a note to Halsey, asking him to step down to the office "upon -important business;" adding in a postscript, "As I am liable to be -called out for a few moments at any time, in case you do not find me -in, please sit down and amuse yourself with the newspaper until I -return." He knew Halsey was at his counting-house, and would certainly -come if only to learn what signification a Government official -attached to the word "business." Then the Colonel procured a brief -candle and set it into the powder. His plan was to light the candle, -dispatch a porter with the message, and bolt for home. Having -completed his preparations, he leaned back in his easy chair and -smiled. He smiled a long time, and even achieved a chuckle. For the -first time in his life, he felt a serene sense of happiness in being -particularly wide awake. Then, without moving from his chair, he -ignited the taper, and put out his hand toward the bell-cord, to -summon the porter. At this stage of his vengeance the Colonel fell -into a tranquil and refreshing slumber. - - * * * * * - -There is nothing omitted here; that is merely the Colonel's present -address. - - * * * * * - - - - -A TALE OF THE BOSPHORUS. - - -Pollimariar was the daughter of a Mussulman--she was, in fact, a -Mussulgirl. She lived at Stamboul, the name of which is an admirable -rhyme to what Pollimariar was profanely asserted to be by her two -sisters, Djainan and Djulya. These were very much older than -Pollimariar, and proportionately wicked. In wickedness they could -discount her, giving her the first innings. - -The relations between Pollimariar and her sisters were in all respects -similar to those that existed between Cinderella and _her_ sisters. -Indeed, these big girls seldom read anything but the story of -Cinderella; and that work, no doubt, had its influence in forming -their character. They were always apparelling themselves in gaudy -dresses from Paris, and going away to balls, leaving their meritorious -little sister weeping at home in their every-day finery. Their father -was a commercial traveller, absent with his samples in Damascus most -of the time; and the poor girl had no one to protect her from the -outrage of exclusion from the parties to which she was not invited. -She fretted and chafed very much at first, but after forbearance -ceased to be a virtue it came rather natural to her to exercise a -patient endurance. But perceiving this was agreeable to her sisters -she abandoned it, devising a rare scheme of vengeance. She sent to the -"Levant Herald" the following "personal" advertisement: - - "G.V.--Regent's Canal 10.30 p.m., Q.K.X. is O.K.! With coals at - 48 sh-ll-ngs I cannot endure existence without you! Ask for - G-field St-ch. J.G. + ¶ pro rata. B-tty's N-bob P-ckles. - Oz-k-r-t! Meet me at the 'Turban and Scimitar,' Bebeck Road, - Thursday morning at three o'clock; blue cotton umbrella, wooden - shoes, and Ulster overskirt Polonaise all round the bottom. - - One Who Wants to Know Yer." - -The latter half of this contained the gist of the whole matter; the -other things were put in just to prevent the notice from being -conspicuously sensible. Next morning, when the Grand Vizier took up -his newspaper, he could not help knowing he was the person addressed; -and at the appointed hour he kept the tryst. What passed between them -the sequel will disclose, if I can think it out to suit me. - -Soon afterwards Djainan and Djulya received cards of invitation to a -grand ball at the Sultan's palace, given to celebrate the arrival of a -choice lot of Circassian beauties in the market. The first thing the -wicked sisters did was to flourish these invitations triumphantly -before the eyes of Pollimariar, who declared she did not believe a -word of it; indeed, she professed such aggressive incredulity that she -had to be severely beaten. But she denied the invitations to the last. -She thought it was best to deny them. - -The invitations stated that at the proper hour the old original -Sultana would call personally, and conduct the young ladies to the -palace; and she did so. They thought, at the time, she bore a striking -resemblance to a Grand Vizier with his beard shaven off, and this led -them into some desultory reflections upon the sin of nepotism and -family favour at Court; but, like all moral reflections, these came to -nothing. The old original Sultana's attire, also, was, with the -exception of a reticule and fan, conspicuously epicene; but, in a -country where popular notions of sex are somewhat confused, this -excited no surprise. - -As the three marched off in stately array, poor little deserted -Pollimariar stood cowering at one side, with her fingers spread -loosely upon her eyes, weeping like--a crocodile. The Sultana said it -was late; they would have to make haste. She had not fetched a cab, -however, and a recent inundation of dogs very much impeded their -progress. By-and-by the dogs became shallower, but it was near eleven -o'clock before they arrived at the Sublime Porte--very old and fruity. -A janizary standing here split his visage to grin, but it was -surprising how quickly the Sultana had his head off. - -Pretty soon afterwards they came to a low door, where the Sultana -whistled three times and kicked at the panels. It soon yielded, -disclosing two gigantic Nubian eunuchs, black as the ace of clubs, -who stared at first, but when shown a very cleverly-executed -signet-ring of paste, knocked their heads against the ground with -respectful violence. Then one of them consulted a thick book, and took -from a secret drawer two metal badges numbered 7,394 and 7,395, which -he fastened about the necks of the now frightened girls, who had just -observed that the Sultana had vanished. The numbers on the badges -showed that this would be a very crowded ball. - -The other black now advanced with a measuring tape, and began gravely -measuring Djainan from head to heel. She ventured to ask the sable -guardian with what article of dress she was to be fitted. - -"Bedad, thin, av ye must know," said he, grinning, "it is to be a -_sack_." - -"What! a _sacque_ for a ball?" - -"Indade, it's right ye are, mavourneen; it is fer a ball--fer a -cannon-ball--as will make yer purty body swim to the bothom nately as -ony shtone." - -And the eunuch toyed lovingly with his measuring-tape, which the -wretched girls now observed was singularly like a bow-string. - -"O, sister," shrieked Djainan, "this is--" - -"O, sister," shrieked Djulya, "this is--" - -"That horrid--" - -"That horrid--" - -_"Harem!"_ - -It was even so. A minute later the betrayed maidens were carried, -feet-foremost-and-fainting, through a particularly dirty portal, over -which gleamed the infernal legend: "Who enters here leaves soap -behind!" I wash my hands of them. - -[Illustration] - -Next morning the following "personal" appeared in the "Levant Herald:" - -"P-ll-m-r-r.--All is over. The S-lt-n cleared his shelves of the old -stock at midnight. If you purchased the Circ-n B-ties with the money -I advanced, be sure you don't keep them too long on hand. Prices are -sure to fall when I have done buying for the H-r-m. Meet me at time -and place agreed upon, and divide profits. G--d V--r." - - * * * * * - - - - -JOHN SMITH. - -AN EDITORIAL ARTICLE FROM A JOURNAL. OF MAY 3rd, A.D. 3873. - - -At the quiet little village of Smithcester (the ancient London) will -be celebrated to-day the twentieth, centennial anniversary of this -remarkable man, the foremost figure of antiquity. The recurrence of -what, no longer than six centuries ago, was a popular _fete_ day, and -which even now is seldom allowed to pass without some recognition by -those to whom the word liberty means something more precious than -gold, is provocative of peculiar emotion. It matters little whether or -no tradition has correctly fixed the date of Smith's birth; that he -_was_ born--that being born he wrought nobly at the work his hand -found to do--that by the mere force of his intellect he established -our present perfect form of government, under which civilization has -attained its highest and ripest development--these are facts beside -which a mere question of chronology sinks into insignificance. - -That this extraordinary man originated the Smitharchic system of -government is, perhaps, open to honest doubt; very possibly it had a -_de facto_ existence in various debased and uncertain shapes as early -as the sixteenth century. But that he cleared it of its overlying -errors and superstitions, gave it a definite form, and shaped it into -an intelligible scheme, there is the strongest evidence in the -fragments of twentieth-century literature that have descended to us, -disfigured though they are with amazingly contradictory statements of -his birth, parentage, and manner of life before he strode upon the -political stage as the liberator of mankind. It is stated that -Snakeshear--one of his contemporaries, a poet whose works had in their -day some reputation (though it is difficult to say why)--alludes to -him as "the noblest Roman of them all;" our ancestors at the time -being called Englishmen or Romans, indifferently. In the only fragment -of Snakeshear extant, however, we have been unable to find this -passage. - -Smith's military power is amply attested in an ancient manuscript of -undoubted authenticity, which has just been translated from the -Japanese. It is an account of the water-battle of Loo, by an -eyewitness whose name, unfortunately, has not reached us. In this -battle it is stated that Smith overthrew the great Neapolitan general, -whom he captured and conveyed in chains to the island of Chickenhurst. - -In his Political History of the Twentieth Century, the late -Mimble--or, as he would have been called in the time of which he -writes, _Mister_ Mimble--has this luminous sentence: "With the single -exception of Coblentz, there was no European government the Liberator -did not upset, and which he did not erect into a pure Smitharchy; and -though some of them afterward relapsed temporarily into the crude -forms of antiquity, and others fell into fanciful systems begotten of -the intellectual activity he had stirred up, yet so firmly did he -establish the principle, that in the Thirty-second Century the -enlightened world was, what it has since remained, practically -Smitharchic." - -It may be noted here as a curious coincidence, that the same year -which saw the birth of him who established rational government -witnessed the death of him who perfected literature. In 1873, Martin -Farquhar Tupper--next to Smith the most notable name in history--died -of starvation in the streets of London. Like that of Smith, his origin -is wrapped in profoundest obscurity. No less than seven British cities -claimed the honour of his birth. Meagre indeed is our knowledge of -this only bard whose works have descended to us through the changes of -twenty centuries entire. All that is positively established is that -during his life he was editor of "The Times 'magazine,'" a word of -disputed meaning--and, as quaint old Dumbleshaw says, "an accomplished -Greek and Latin scholar," whatever "Greek" and "Latin" may have been. -Had Smith and Tupper been contemporaries, the iron deeds of the former -would doubtless have been immortalized in the golden pages of the -latter. Upon such chances does History depend for her materials! - -Strangely unimpressible indeed must be the mind which, looking -backward through the vista of twenty centuries upon the singular race -from whom we are supposed to be descended, can repress a feeling of -emotional interest. The names of John Smith and Martin Farquhar -Tupper, blazoned upon the page of the dim past, and surrounded by the -lesser names of Snakeshear, the first Neapolitan, Oliver Cornwell, -Close, "Queen" Elizabeth, or Lambeth, the Dutch Bismarch, Julia Caesar, -and a host of contemporary notables are singularly suggestive. They -call to mind the odd old custom of covering the body with "clothes;" -the curious error of Copernicus and other wide guesses of antique -"science;" the lost arts of telegramy, steam locomotion, and printing -with movable types; and the exploded theory of gunpowder. They set us -thinking upon the zealous idolatry which led men to make pious -pilgrimages to the then accessible regions about the North Pole and -into the interior of Africa, which at that time was but little better -than a wilderness. They conjure up visions of bloodthirsty "Emperors," -tyrannical "Kings," vampire "Presidents," and useless -"Parliaments"--strangely horrible shapes contrasted with the serene -and benevolent aspect of our modern Smithocracy! - -Let us to-day rejoice that the old order of things has for ever passed -away; let us be thankful that our lot has been cast in more wholesome -days than those in which John Smith chalked out the better destinies -of a savage race, and Tupper sang divine philosophy to inattentive -ears. And yet let us keep green the memory of whatever there was of -good--if any--in the dark pre-Smithian ages, when men cherished quaint -superstitions and rode on the backs of "horses"--when they passed -_over_ the seas instead of under them--when science had not yet dawned -to chase away the shadows of imagination--and when the cabalistic -letters A.D., which from habit we still affix to the numerals -designating the age of the world, had perhaps a known signification. - - * * * * * - - - - -SUNDERED HEARTS. - - -Deidrick Schwackenheimer was a lusty young goatherd. He stood six feet -two in his _sabots_, and there was not an ounce of superfluous bone or -brain in his composition. If he had a fault, it was a tendency to -sleep more than was strictly necessary. The nature of his calling -fostered this weakness: after being turned into some neighbour's -pasture, his animals would not require looking after until the owner -of the soil turned them out again. Their guardian naturally devoted -the interval to slumber. Nor was there danger of oversleeping: the -pitchfork of the irate husbandman always roused him at the proper -moment. - -At nightfall Deidrick would marshal his flock and drive it homeward to -the milking-yard. Here he was met by the fair young Katrina -Buttersprecht, the daughter of his employer, who relieved the tense -udders of their daily secretion. One evening after the milking, -Deidrick, who had for years been nourishing a secret passion for -Katrina, was smitten with an idea. Why should she not be his wife? He -went and fetched a stool into the yard, led her tenderly to it, seated -her, and _asked_ her why. The girl thought a moment, and then was at -some pains to explain. She was too young. Her old father required all -her care. Her little brother would cry. She was engaged to Max -Manglewurzzle. She amplified considerably, but these were the -essential points of objection. She set them before him _seriatim_ with -perfect frankness, and without mental reservation. When she had done, -her lover, with that instinctive sense of honour characteristic of the -true goatherd, made no attempt to alter her decision. Indeed, he had -nodded a heart-broken assent to each separate proposition, and at the -conclusion of the last was fast asleep. The next morning he jocundly -drove his goats afield and appeared the same as usual, except that he -slept a good deal more, and thought of Katrina a good deal less. - -[Illustration] - -That evening when he returned with his spraddling milch-nannies, he -found a second stool placed alongside the first. It was a happy -augury; his attentions, then, were not altogether distasteful. He -seated himself gravely upon the stool, and when Katrina had done -milking, she came and occupied the other. He mechanically renewed his -proposal. Then the artless maid proceeded to recapitulate the -obstacles to the union. She was too young. Her old father required all -her care. Her little brother would cry. She was engaged to Max -Manglewurzzle. As each objection was stated and told off on the -_frauelein's_ fingers, Deidrick nodded a resigned acquiescence, and at -the finish was fast asleep. Every evening after that Deidrick proposed -in perfect good faith, the girl repeated her objections with equal -candour, and they were received with somnolent approval. Love-making -is very agreeable, and by the usuage of long years it becomes a -confirmed habit. In less than a decade it became impossible for -Katrina to enjoy her supper without the regular proposal, and Deidrick -could not sleep of a night without the preliminary nap in the -goat-yard to taper off his wakefulness. Both would have been wretched -had they retired to bed with a shade of misunderstanding between them. - -And so the seasons went by. The earth grayed and greened herself anew; -the planets sailed their appointed courses; the old goats died, and -their virtues were perpetuated in their offspring. Max Manglewurzzle -married the miller's daughter; Katrina's little brother, who would -have cried at her wedding, did not cry any at his own; the aged -Buttersprecht was long gathered to his fathers; and Katrina was -herself well stricken in years. And still at fall of night she defined -her position to the sleeping lover who had sought her hand--defined it -in the self-same terms as upon that eventful eve. The gossiping -_frauen_ began to whisper it would be a match; but it did not look -like it as yet. Slanderous tongues even asserted that it ought to have -been a match long ago, but I don't see how it could have been, without -the girl's consent. The parish clerk began to hanker after his fee; -but, lacking patience, he was unreasonable. - -The whole countryside was now taking a deep interest in the affair. -The aged did not wish to die without beholding the consummation of the -love they had seen bud in their youth; and the young did not wish to -die at all. But no one liked to interfere; it was feared that counsel -to the woman would be rejected, and a thrashing to the man would be -misunderstood. At last the parson took heart of grace to make or mar -the match. Like a reckless gambler he staked his fee upon the cast of -a die. He went one day and removed the two stools--now worn extremely -thin--to another corner of the milking-yard. - -That evening, when the distended udders had been duly despoiled, the -lovers repaired to their trysting-place. They opened their eyes a bit -to find the stools removed. They were tormented with a vague -presentiment of evil, and stood for some minutes irresolute; then, -assisted to a decision by their weakening knees, they seated -themselves flat upon the ground. Deidrick stammered a weak proposal, -and Katrina essayed an incoherent objection. But she trembled and -became unintelligible; and when he attempted to throw in a few nods of -generous approval they came in at the wrong places. With one accord -they arose and sought their stools. Katrina tried it again. She -succeeded in saying her father was over-young to marry, and Max -Manglewurzzle would cry if she took care of him. Deidrick executed a -reckless nod that made his neck snap, and was broad awake in a minute. -A second time they arose. They conveyed the stools back to their -primitive position, and began again. She remarked that her little -brother was too old to require all her care, and Max would cry to -marry her father. Deidrick addressed himself to sleep, but a horrid -nightmare galloped rough-shod into his repose and set him off with a -strangled snort. The good understanding between those two hearts was -for ever dissipated; neither one knew if the other were afoot or on -horseback. Like the sailor's thirtieth stroke with the rope's-end, it -was perfectly disgusting! Their meetings after this were so -embarrassing that they soon ceased meeting altogether. Katrina died -soon after, a miserable broken-spirited maiden of sixty; and Deidrick -drags out a wretched existence in a remote town, upon an income of -eight _silbergroschen_ a week. - -Oh, friends and brethren, if you did but know how slight an act may -sunder for ever the bonds of love--how easily one may wreck the peace -of two faithful hearts--how almost without an effort the waters of -affection may be changed to gall and bitterness--I suspect you would -make even more more mischief than you do now. - - * * * * * - - - - -THE EARLY HISTORY OF BATH. - - -Bladud was the eldest son of a British King (whose name I perfectly -remember, but do not choose to write) _temp_. Solomon--who does not -appear to have known Bladud, however. Bladud was, therefore, Prince of -Wales. He was more than that: he was a leper--had it very bad, and the -Court physician, Sir William Gull, frequently remarked that the -Prince's death was merely a question of time. When a man gets to that -stage of leprosy he does not care much for society, particularly if no -one will have anything to do with him. So Bladud bade a final adieu to -the world, and settled in Liverpool. But not agreeing with the -climate, he folded his tent into the shape of an Arab, as Longfellow -says, and silently stole away to the southward, bringing up in -Gloucestershire. - -Here Bladud hired himself out to a farmer named Smith, as a -swineherd. But Fate, as he expressed it in the vernacular, was -"ferninst him." Leprosy is a contagious disease, within certain -degrees of consanguinity, and by riding his pigs afield he -communicated it to them; so that in a few weeks, barring the fact that -they were hogs, they were no better off than he. Mr. Smith was an -irritable old gentleman, so choleric he made his bondsmen -tremble--though he was now abroad upon his own recognizances. Dreading -his wrath, Bladud quitted his employ, without giving the usual week's -notice, but so far conforming to custom in other respects as to take -his master's pigs along with him. - -We find him next at a place called Swainswick--or Swineswig--a mile or -two to the north-east of Bath, which, as yet, had no existence, its -site being occupied by a smooth level reach of white sand, or a stormy -pool of black water, travellers of the time disagree which. At -Swainswick Bladud found his level; throwing aside all such nonsense -as kingly ambition, and the amenities of civilized society--utterly -ignoring the deceitful pleasures of common sense--he contented his -simple soul with composing _bouts rimes_ for Lady Miller, at -Batheaston Villa; that one upon a buttered muffin, falsely ascribed by -Walpole to the Duchess of Northumberland, was really constructed by -Bladud. - -A brief glance at the local history of the period cannot but prove -instructive. Ralph Allen was then residing at Sham Castle, where Pope -accused him of doing good like a thief in the night and blushing to -find it unpopular. Fielding was painfully evolving "Tom Jones" from an -inner consciousness that might have been improved by soap and any -water but that of Bath. Bishop Warburton had just shot the Count Du -Barre in a duel with Lord Chesterfield; and Beau Nash was disputing -with Dr. Johnson, at the Pelican Inn, Walcot, upon a question of -lexicographical etiquette. It is necessary to learn these things in -order the better to appreciate the interest of what follows. - -During all this time Bladud never permitted his mind to permanently -desert his calling; he found family matters a congenial study, and he -thought of his swine a good deal, off and on. One day while baiting -them amongst the hills, he observed a cloud of steam ascending from -the valley below. Having always believed steam a modern invention, -this ancient was surprised, and when his measly charge set up a wild -squeal, rushing down a steep place into the aspiring vapour, his -astonishment ripened into dismay. As soon as he conveniently could -Bladud followed, and there he heard the saw--I mean he saw the herd -wallowing and floundering multitudinously in a hot spring, and -punctuating the silence of nature with grunts of quiet satisfaction, -as the leprosy left them and clave to the waters--to which it cleaves -yet. It is not probable the pigs went in there for a medicinal -purpose; how could they know? Any butcher will tell you that a pig, -after being assassinated, is invariably boiled to loosen the hair. By -long usage the custom of getting into hot water has become a habit -which the living pig inherits from the dead pork. (See Herbert Spencer -on "Heredity.") - -Now Bladud (who is said to have studied at Athens, as most Britons of -his time did) was a rigid disciple of Bishop Butler; and Butler's line -of argument is this: Because a rose-bush blossoms this year, a -lamppost will blossom next year. By this ingenious logic he proves the -immortality of the human soul, which is good of him; but in so doing -he proves, also, the immortality of the souls of snakes, mosquitos, -and everything else, which is less commendable. Reasoning by analogy, -Bladud was convinced that if these waters would cure a pig, they would -cure a prince: and without waiting to see _how_ they had cured the -bacon, he waded in. - -When asked the next day by Sir William Waller if he intended trying -the waters again, and if he retained his fondness for that style of -bathing, he replied, "Not any, thank you; I am quite cured!" Sir -William at once noised abroad the story of the wonderful healing, and -when it reached the king's ears, that potentate sent for Bladud to -"come home at once and succeed to the throne, just the same as if he -had a skin"--which Bladud did. Some time afterwards he thought to -outdo Daedalus and Icarus, by flying from the top of St. Paul's -Cathedral. He outdid them handsomely; he fell a good deal harder than -they did, and broke his precious neck. - -Previously to his melancholy end he built the City of Bath, to -commemorate his remarkable cure. He endowed the Corporation with ten -millions sterling, every penny of the interest of which is annually -devoted to the publication of guide-books to Bath, to lure the unwary -invalid to his doom. From motives of mercy the Corporation have now -set up a contrivance for secretly extracting the mineral properties of -the fluid before it is ladled out, but formerly a great number of -strangers found a watery grave. - -If King Bladud was generous to Bath, Bath has been grateful in return. -One statue of him adorns the principal street, and another graces the -swimming pond, both speaking likenesses. The one represents him as he -was before he divided his leprosy with the pigs; the other shows him -as he appeared after breaking his neck. - -Writing in 1631, Dr. Jordan says: "The baths are bear-gardens, where -both sexes bathe promiscuously, while the passers-by pelt them with -dead dogs, cats, and pigs; and even human creatures are hurled over -the rails into the water." It is not so bad as that now, but lodgings -are still held at rates which might be advantageously tempered to the -shorn. - -I append the result of a chemical analysis I caused to be made of -these incomparable Waters, that the fame of their virtues may no -longer rest upon the inadequate basis of their observed effects. - -One hundred parts of the water contain: - -Brandate of Sodium 9.50 parts. -Sulphuretted Hydrogen 3.50 " -Citrate of Magnesia 15.00 " -Calves'-foot Jelly 10.00 " -Protocarbonate of Brass 11.00 " -Nitric Acid 7.50 " -Devonshire Cream 6.00 " -Treaclate of Soap 2.00 " -Robur 3.50 " -Superheated Mustard 11.50 " -Frogs 20.45 " -Traces of Guano, Leprosy, Picallilly, - and Scotch Whiskey .05 " - -Temperature of the four baths, 117 degrees each--or 468 altogether. - - * * * * * - - - - -THE FOLLOWING DORG. - - -Dad Petto, as everybody called him, had a dog, upon whom he lavished -an amount of affection which, had it been disbursed in a proper -quarter, would have been adequate to the sentimental needs of a dozen -brace of lovers. The name of this dog was Jerusalem, but it might more -properly have been Dan-to-Beersheba. He was not a fascinating dog to -look at; you can buy a handsomer dog in any shop than this one. He had -neither a graceful exterior nor an engaging address. On the contrary, -his exceptional plainness had passed into a local proverb; and such -was the inbred coarseness of his demeanour, that in the dark you might -have thought him a politician. - -If you will take two very bandy-legged curs, cut one off just abaft -the shoulders, and the other immediately forward of the haunches, -rejecting the fore-part of the first and the rear portion of the -second, you will have the raw material for constructing a dog -something like Dad Petto's. You have only to effect a junction between -the accepted sections, and make the thing eat. - -Had he been favoured with as many pairs of legs as a centipede, -Jerusalem would not have differed materially from either of his race; -but it was odd to see such a wealth of dog wedded to such a poverty of -leg. He was so long that the most precocious pupil of the public -schools could not have committed him to memory in a week. - -It was beautiful to see Jerusalem rounding the angle of a wall, and -turning his head about to observe how the remainder of the procession -was coming on. He was once circumnavigating a small out-house, when, -catching sight of his own hinder-quarters, he flew into a terrible -rage. The sight of another dog always had this effect upon Jerusalem, -and more especially when, as in this case, he thought he could grasp -an unfair advantage. So Jerusalem took after that retreating foe as -hard as ever he could hook it. Round and round he flew, but the faster -he went, the more his centrifugal force widened his circle, until he -presently lost sight of his enemy altogether. Then he slowed down, -determined to accomplish his end by strategy. Sneaking closely up to -the wall, he moved cautiously forward, and when he had made the full -circuit, he came smack up against his own tail. Making a sudden -spring, which must have stretched him like a bit of India-rubber, he -fastened his teeth into his ham, hanging on like a country visitor. He -felt sure he had nailed the other dog, but he was equally confident -the other dog had nailed him; so the problem was simplified to a mere -question of endurance--and Jerusalem was an animal of pluck. The grim -conflict was maintained all one day--maintained with deathless -perseverance, until Dad Petto discovered the belligerent and uncoupled -him. Then Jerusalem looked up at his master with a shake of the head, -as much as to say: "It's a precious opportune arrival for the other -pup; but who took _him_ off _me_?" - -I don't think I can better illustrate the preposterous longitude of -this pet, than by relating an incident that fell under my own -observation. I was one day walking along the highway with a friend who -was a stranger in the neighbourhood, when a rabbit flashed past us, -going our way, but evidently upon urgent business. Immediately upon -his heels followed the first instalment of Dad Petto's mongrel, -enveloped in dust, his jaws distended, the lower one shaving the -ground to scoop up the rabbit. He was going at a rather lively gait, -but was some time in passing. My friend stood a few moments looking -on; then rubbed his eyes, looked again, and finally turned to me, just -as the brute's tail flitted by, saying, with a broad stare of -astonishment: - -"Did you ever see a pack of hounds run so perfectly in line? It beats -anything! And the speed, too--they seem fairly blended! If a fellow -didn't know better, he would swear there was but a single dog!" - -I suppose it was this peculiarity of Jerusalem that had won old -Petto's regard. He liked as much of anything as he could have for his -money; and the expense of this creature, generally speaking, was no -greater than that of a brief succinct bull pup. But there were times -when he was costly. All dogs are sometimes "off their feed"--will eat -nothing for a whole day but a few ox-tails, a pudding or two, and such -towelling as they can pick up in the scullery. When Jerusalem got that -way, which, to do him justice, was singularly seldom, it made things -awkward in the near future. For in a few days after recovering his -passion for food, the effect of his former abstemiousness would begin -to reach his stomach; but of course all he could _then_ devour would -work no immediate relief. This he would naturally attribute to the -quality of his fare, and would change his diet a dozen times a day, -his _menu_ in the twelve working hours comprising an astonishing range -of articles, from a wood-saw to a kettle of soft soap--edibles as -widely dissimilar as the zenith and the nadir, which, also, he would -eat. So catholic an appetite was, of course, exceptional: ordinarily -Jerusalem was as narrow and illiberal as the best of us. Give him -plenty of raw beef, and he would not unsettle his gastric faith by -outside speculation or tentative systems. - -I could relate things of this dog by the hour. Such, for example, as -his clever device for crossing a railway. He never attempted to do -this endwise, like other animals, for the obvious reason that, like -every one else, he was unable to make any sense of the time-tables; -and unless he should by good luck begin the manoeuvre when a train was -said to be due, it was likely he would be abbreviated; for of course -no one is idiot enough to cross a railway track when the time-table -says it is all clear--at least no one as long as Jerusalem. So he -would advance his head to the rails, calling in his outlying -convolutions, and straightening them alongside the track, parallel -with it; and then at a signal previously agreed upon--a short wild -bark--this sagacious dog would make the transit unanimously, as it -were. By this method he commonly avoided a quarrel with the engine. - -Altogether he was a very interesting beast, and his master was fond of -him no end. And with the exception of compelling Mr. Petto to remove -to the centre of the State to avoid double taxation upon him, he was -not wholly unprofitable; for he was the best sheep-dog in the country: -he always kept the flock well together by the simple device of -surrounding them. Having done so, he would lie down, and eat, and eat, -and eat, till there wasn't a sheep left, except a few old rancid ones; -and even those he would tear into small spring lambs. - -Dad Petto never went anywhere without the superior portion of -Jerusalem at his side; and he always alluded to him as "the following -dorg." But the beast finally became a great nuisance in Illinois. His -body obstructed the roads in all directions; and the Representative of -that district in the National Congress was instructed by his -constituents to bring in a bill taxing dogs by the linear yard, -instead of by the head, as the law then stood. Dad Petto proceeded at -once to Washington to "lobby" against the measure. He knew the wife of -a clerk in the Bureau of Statistics; armed with this influence he felt -confident of success. I was myself in Washington, at the time, trying -to secure the removal of a postmaster who was personally obnoxious to -me, inasmuch as I had been strongly recommended for the position by -some leading citizens, who to their high political characters -superadded the more substantial merit of being my relations. - -Dad and I were standing, one morning, in front of Willard's Hotel, -when he stooped over and began patting Jerusalem on the head. All of a -sudden the smiling brute sprang open his mouth and bade farewell to a -succession of yells which speedily collected ten thousand miserable -office-seekers, and an equal quantity of brigadier-generals, who, all -in a breath, inquired who had been stabbed, and what was the name of -the lady. - -Meantime nothing would pacify the pup; he howled most dismally, -punctuating his wails with quick sharp shrieks of mortal agony. More -than an hour--more than two hours--we strove to discover and allay the -canine grievance, but to no purpose. - -Presently one of the hotel pages stepped up to Mr. Petto, handing him -a telegraphic dispatch just received. It was dated at his home in -Cowville, Illinois, and making allowance for the difference in time, -something more than two hours previously. It read as follows: - -"A pot of boiling glue has just been upset upon Jerusalem's -hind-quarters. Shall I try rhubarb, or let it get cold and chisel it -off? - -"P.S. He did it himself, wagging his tail in the kitchen. Some -Democrat has been bribing that dog with cold victuals.--PENELOPE -PETTO." - -Then we knew what ailed "the following dorg." - -I should like to go on giving the reader a short account of this -animal's more striking personal peculiarities, but the subject seems -to grow under my hand. The longer I write, the longer he becomes, and -the more there is to tell; and after all, I shall not get a copper -more for pourtraying all this length of dog than I would for depicting -an orbicular pig. - - - - -SNAKING. - - -Very talkative people always seemed to me to be divided into two -classes--those who lie for a purpose and those who lie for the love of -lying; and Sam Baxter belonged, with broad impartiality, to both. With -him falsehood was not more frequently a means than an end; for he -would not only lie without a purpose but at a sacrifice. I heard him -once reading a newspaper to a blind aunt, and deliberately falsifying -the market reports. The good old lady took it all in with a trustful -faith, until he quoted dried apples at fifty cents a yard for unbolted -sides; then she arose and disinherited him. Sam seemed to regard the -fountain of truth as a stagnant pool, and himself an angel whose -business it was to stand by and trouble the waters. - -"You know Ben Dean," said Sam to me one day; "I'm down on that fellow, -and I'll tell you why. In the winter of '68 he and I were snaking -together in the mountains north of the Big Sandy." - -"What do you mean by snaking, Sam?" - -"Well, _I_ like _that_! Why, gathering snakes, to be -sure--rattlesnakes for zoological gardens, museums, and side-shows to -circuses. This is how it is done: a party of snakers go up to the -mountains in the early autumn, with provisions for all winter, and -putting up a snakery at some central point, get to work as soon as the -torpid season sets in, and before there is much snow. I presume you -know that when the nights begin to get cold, the snakes go in under -big flat stones, snuggle together, and lie there frozen stiff until -the warm days of spring limber them up for business. - -"We go about, raise up the rocks, tie the worms into convenient -bundles and carry them to the snakery, where, during the snow season, -they are assorted, labelled according to quality, and packed away for -transportation. Sometimes a single showman will have as many as a -dozen snakers in the mountains all winter. - -"Ben and I were out, one day, and had gathered a few sheaves of prime -ones, when we discovered a broad stone that showed good indications, -but we couldn't raise it. The whole upper part of the mountain seemed -to be built mostly upon this one stone. There was nothing to be done -but mole it--dig under, you know; so taking the spade I soon widened -the hole the creatures had got in at, until it would admit my body. -Crawling in, I found a kind of cell in the solid rock, stowed nearly -full of beautiful serpents, some of them as long as a man. You would -have revelled in those worms! They were neatly disposed about the -sides of the cave, an even dozen in each berth, and some odd ones -swinging from the ceiling in hammocks, like sailors. By the time I had -counted them roughly, as they lay, it was dark, and snowing like the -mischief. There was no getting back to head-quarters that night, and -there was room for but one of us inside." - -"Inside what, Sam?" - -"See here! have you been listening to what I'm telling you, or not? -There is no use telling _you_ anything. Perhaps you won't mind waiting -till I get done, and then you can tell something of your own. We drew -straws to decide who should sleep inside, and it fell to me. Such luck -as that fellow Ben always had drawing straws when I held them! It was -sinful! But even inside it was coldish, and I was more than an hour -getting asleep. Toward morning, though, I woke, feeling very warm and -peaceful. The moon was at full, just rising in the valley below, and, -shining in at the hole I'd entered at, it made everything light as -day." - -"But, Sam, according to _my_ astronomy a full moon never rises towards -morning." - -"Now, who said anything about your astronomy? I'd like to know who is -telling this--you or I? Always think you know more than I do--and -always swearing it isn't so--and always taking the words out of my -mouth, and--but what's the use of arguing with _you_? As I was saying, -the snakes began waking about the same time I did; I could hear them -turn over on their other sides and sigh. Presently one raised himself -up and yawned. He meant well, but it was not the regular thing for an -ophidian to do at that season. By-and-by they began to poke their -heads up all round, nodding good morning to one another across the -room; and pretty soon one saw me lying there and called attention to -the fact. Then they all began to crowd to the front and hang out over -the sides of the beds in a fringe, to study my habits. I can't -describe the strange spectacle: you would have supposed it was the -middle of March and a forward season! There were more worms than I had -counted, and they were larger ones than I had thought. And the more -they got awake the wider they yawned, and the longer they stretched. -The fat fellows in the hammocks above me were in danger of toppling -out and breaking their necks every minute. - -"Then it went through my mind like a flash what was the matter. -Finding it cold outside, Ben had made a roaring fire on the top of the -rock, and the heat had deceived the worms into the belief that it was -late spring. As I lay there and thought of a full-grown man who hadn't -any better sense than to do such a thing as _that_, I was mad enough -to kill him. I lost confidence in mankind. If I had not stopped up the -entrance before lying down, with a big round stone which the heat had -swollen so that a hydraulic ram couldn't have butted it loose, I -should have put on my clothes and gone straight home." - -"But, Sam, you said the entrance was open, and the moon shining in." - -"There you go again! Always contradicting--and insinuating that the -moon must remain for hours in one position--and saying you've heard it -told better by some one else--and wanting to fight! I've told this -story to your brother over at Milk River more than a hundred million -times, and he never said a word against it." - -"I believe you, Samuel; for he is deaf as a tombstone." - -"Tell you what to do for him! I know a fellow in Smith's Valley will -cure him in a minute. That fellow has cleaned the deafness all out of -Washington County a dozen times. I never knew a case of it that could -stand up against him ten seconds. Take three parts of snake-root to a -gallon of waggon-grease, and--I'll go and see if I can find the -prescription!" - -And Sam was off like a rocket. - - * * * * * - - - - -MAUD'S PAPA. - -That is she in the old black silk--the one with the gimlet curls and -the accelerated lap-cat. Doesn't she average about as I set her forth? - -"Never told you anything about her?" Well, I will. - -Twenty years ago, many a young man, of otherwise good character, -would have ameliorated his condition for that girl; and would have -thought himself overpaid if she had restored a fosy on his sepulchre. -Maud would have been of the same opinion--and wouldn't have construed -the fosy. And she was the most sagacious girl I ever experienced! As -you shall hear. - -I was her lover, and she was mine. We loved ourselves to detraction. -Maud lived a mile from any other house--except one brick barn. Not -even a watch-dog about the place--except her father. This pompous old -weakling hated me boisterously; he said I was dedicated to hard drink, -and when in that condition was perfectly incompatible. I did not like -him, too. - -One evening I called on Maud, and was surprised to meet her at the -gate, with a shawl drawn over her head, and apparently in great -combustion. She told me, hastily, the old man was ill of a fever, and -had nearly derided her by going crazy. - -This was all a lie; something had gone wrong with the old party's -eyes--amanuensis of the equinox, or something; he couldn't see well, -but he was no more crazy than I was sober. - -"I was sitting quietly by him," said Maud, "when he sat up in bed and -be-_gan!_ You never in all your born life! I'm so glad you've come; -you can take care of him while I fetch the doctor. He's quiet enough -now, but you just wait till he gets another paralogism. When _they_'re -on--oh my! You mustn't let him talk, nor get out of bed; doctor says -it would prolong the diagnosis. Go right in, now. Oh dear! whatever -shall I ought to do?" - -And, blowing her eyes on the corner of her shawl, Maud shot away like -a comic. - -I walked hurriedly into the house, and entered the old man's -dromedary, without knocking. - -The playful girl had left that room a moment before, with every -appearance of being frightened. She had told the old one there was a -robber in the house, and the venerable invalid was a howling coward--I -tell you this because I scorn to deceive you. - -I found the old gentleman with his head under the blankets, very quiet -and speaceful: but the moment he heard me he got up, and yelled like a -heliotrope. Then he fixed on me a wild spiercing look from his -bloodshot eyes, and for the first time in my life I believed Maud had -told me the truth for the first time in hers. Then he reached out for -a heavy cane. But I was too punctual for him, and, clapping my hand on -his breast, I crowded him down, holding him tight. He curvetted some; -then lay still, and swore weak oaths that wouldn't have hurt a sick -chicken! All this time I was firm as a rock of amaranth. Presently, -moreover, he spoke very low and resigned like--except his teeth -chattered: - -"Desperate man, there is no need; you will find it to the north-west -corner of my upper secretary drawer. I spromise not to appear." - -"All right, my lobster-snouted bulbul," said I, delighted with the -importunity of abusing him; "that is the dryest place you could keep -it in, old spoolcotton! Be sure you don't let the light get to it, -angleworm! Meantime, therefore, you must take this draught." - -"Draught!" he shrieked, meandering from the subject. "O my poor -child!"--and he sprang up again, screaming a multiple of things. - -I had him by the shoulders in a minute, and crushed him back--except -his legs kept agitating. - -"Keep still, will you?" said I, "you sugarcoated old mandible, or -I'll conciliate your exegesis with a proletarian!" - -I never had such a flow of language in my life; I could say anything I -wanted to. - -He quailed at that threat, for, deleterious as I thought him, he saw I -meant it; but he affected to prefer it that way to taking it out of -the bottle. - -"Better," he moaned, "better even that than the poison. Spare me the -poisoned chalice, and you may do it in the way you mention." - -The "draught," it may be sproper to explain, was comprised in a large -bottle sitting on the table. I thought it was medicine--except it was -black--and although Maud (sweet screature!) had not told me to give -him anything, I felt sure this was nasty enough for him, or anybody. -And it was; it was ink. So I treated his proposed compromise with -silent contempt, merely remarking, as I uncorked the bottle: -"Medicine's medicine, my fine friend; and it is for the sick." Then, -spinioning his arms with one of mine, I concerted the neck of the -bottle between his teeth. - -"Now, you lacustrine old cylinder-escapement," I exclaimed, with some -warmth, "hand up your stomach for this healing precoction, or I'm -blest if I won't controvert your _raison d'etre!_" - -He struggled hard, but, owing to my habit of finishing what I -undertake, without any success. In ten minutes it was all down--except -that some of it was spouted about rather circumstantially over the -bedding, and walls, and me. There was more of the draught than I had -thought. As he had been two days ill, I had supposed the bottle must -be nearly empty; but, of course, when you think of it, a man doesn't -abrogate much ink in an ordinary attack--except editors. - -Just as I got my knees off the spatient's breast, Maud peeped in at -the door. She had remained in the lane till she thought the charm had -had time to hibernate, then came in to have her laugh. She began -having it, gently; but seeing me with the empty bottle in my sable -hand, and the murky inspiration rolling off my face in gasconades, she -got graver, and came in very soberly. - -Wherewith, the draught had done its duty, and the old gentleman was -enjoying the first rest he had known since I came to heal him. He is -enjoying it yet, for he was as dead as a monogram. - -As there was a good deal of scandal about my killing a sprospective -father-in-law, I had to live it down by not marrying Maud--who has -lived single, as a rule, ever since. All this epigastric tercentenary -might have been avoided if she had only allowed a good deal of margin -for my probable condition when she splanned her little practicable -joke. - -"Why didn't they hang me?"--- Waiter, bring me a brandy spunch.--Well, -that is the most didactic question! But if you must know--they did. - - * * * * * - - - - -JIM BECKWOURTH'S POND. - - -Not long after _that_ (said old Jim Beckwourth, beginning a new story) -there was a party of about a dozen of us down in the Powder River -country, after buffalo. It was the _worst_ place! Just think of the -most barren and sterile spot you ever saw, or ever will see. Now take -that spot and double it: that is where _we_ were. One day, about noon, -we halted near a sickly little _arroyo_, that was just damp enough to -have deluded some feeble bunches of bonnet-wire into setting up as -grass along its banks. After picketing the horses and pack-mules we -took luncheon, and then, while the others smoked and played cards for -half-dollars, I took my rifle and strolled off into the hills to see -if I could find a blind rabbit, or a lame antelope, that had been -unable to leave the country. As I went on I heard, at intervals of -about a quarter of an hour, a strange throbbing sound, as of smothered -thunder, which grew more distinct as I advanced. Presently I came upon -a lake of near a mile in diameter, and almost circular. It was as calm -and even as a mirror, but I could see by a light steamy haze above it -that the water was nearly at boiling heat--a not very uncommon -circumstance in that region. While I looked, big bubbles began to rise -to the surface, chase one another about, and burst; and suddenly, -without any other preliminary movement, there occurred the most awful -and astounding event that (with a single exception) it has ever been -my lot to witness! I stood rooted to the spot with horror, and when it -was all over, and again the lake lay smiling placidly before me, I -silently thanked Heaven I had been standing at some distance from the -deceitful pool. In a quarter of an hour the frightful scene was -repeated, preceded as before by the rising and bursting of bubbles, -and producing in me the utmost terror; but after seeing it three or -four times I became calm. Then I went back to camp, and told the boys -there was a tolerably interesting pond near by, if they cared for such -things. - -At first they did not, but when I had thrown in a few lies about the -brilliant hues of the water, and the great number of swans, they laid -down their cards, left Lame Dave to look after the horses, and -followed me back to see. Just before we crossed the last range of -hills we heard a thundering sound ahead, which somewhat astonished the -boys, but I said nothing till we stood on a low knoll overlooking the -lake. There it lay, as peaceful as a dead Indian, of a dull grey -colour, and as innocent of water-fowl as a new-born babe. - -"There!" said I, triumphantly, pointing to it. - -"Well," said Bill Buckster, leaning on his rifle and surveying it -critically, "what's the matter with the pond? I don't see nothin' in -_that_ puddle." - -"Whar's yer swans?" asked Gus Jamison. - -"And yer prismatic warter?" added Stumpy Jack. - -"Well, I like _this!_" drawled Frenchwoman Pete. "What 'n thunder d' -ye mean, you derned saddle-coloured fraud?" - -I was a little nettled at all this, particularly as the lake seemed to -have buried the hatchet for that day; but I thought I would "cheek it -through." - -"Just you wait!" I replied, significantly. - -"O yes!" exclaimed Stumpy, derisively; "'course, boys, you mus' -_wait_. 'Tain't no use a-hurryin' up the cattle; yer mustn't rush the -buck. Jest wait till some feller comes along with a melted rainbow, -and lays on the war-paint! and another feller fetches the swans' eggs, -and sets on 'em, and hatches 'em out!--and me a-holding both bowers -an' the ace!" he added, regretfully, thinking of the certainty he had -left, to follow a delusive hope. - -Then I pointed out to them a wide margin of wet and steaming clay -surrounding the water on all sides, asking them if _that_ wasn't worth -coming to see. - -"_That_!" exclaimed Gus. "I've seen the same thing a thousand million -times! It's the reg'lar thing in Idaho. Clay soaks up the water and -sweats it out." - -To verify his theory he started away, down to the shore. I was -concerned for Gus, but I did not dare call him back for fear of -betraying my secret in some way. Besides, I knew he would not come; -and he ought not to have been so sceptical, anyhow. - -Just then two or three big bubbles rose to the surface, and silently -exploded. Quick as lightning I dropped on my knees and raised my arms. - -"Now may Heaven grant my prayer," I began with awful solemnity, "and -send the great Ranunculus to loose the binding chain of concupiscence, -heaving the multitudinous aquacity upon the heads of this wicked and -sententious generation, whelming these diametrical scoffers in a -supercilious Constantinople!" - -I knew the long words would impress their simple souls with a belief -that I was actually praying; and I was right, for every man of them -pulled his hat off, and stood staring at me with a mixed look of -reverence, incredulity, and astonishment--but not for long. For before -I could say amen, yours truly, or anything, that entire body of water -shot upward five hundred feet into the air, as smooth as a column of -crystal, curled over in broad green cataracts, falling outward with a -jar and thunder like the explosion of a thousand subterranean cannon, -then surging and swirling back to the centre, one steaming, writhing -mass of snowy foam! - -As I rose to my feet to put my hand in my pocket for a chew of -tobacco, I looked complacently about upon my comrades. Stumpy Jack -stood paralysed, his head thrown back at an alarming angle, precisely -as he had tilted it to watch the ascending column, and his neck -somehow out of joint, holding it there. All the others were down upon -their marrow-bones, white with terror, praying with extraordinary -fervency, each trying his best to master the ridiculous jargon they -had heard me use, but employing it with an even greater disregard of -sense and fitness than I did. Away over on the next range of hills, -toward camp, was something that looked like a giant spider, scrambling -up the steep side of the sand-hill, and sliding down a trifle faster -than it got up. It was Lame Dave, who had abandoned his equine trust, -to come up at the eleventh hour and see the swans. He had seen enough, -and was now trying, in his weak way, to get back to camp. - -In a few minutes I had got Stumpy's head back into the position -assigned it by Nature, had crowded his eyes in, and was going about -with a reassuring smile, helping the pious upon their feet. Not a word -was spoken; I took the lead, and we strode solemnly to camp, picking -up Lame Dave at the foot of his acclivity, played a little game for -Gus Jamison's horse and "calamities," then mounted our steeds, -departing thence. Three or four days afterward I ventured cautiously -upon a covert allusion to peculiar lakes, but the simultaneous -clicking of ten revolvers convinced me that I need not trouble myself -to pursue the subject. - - * * * * * - - - - -STRINGING A BEAR. - - -"I was looking for my horse one morning, up in the San Joaquin -Valley," said old Sandy Fowler, absently stirring the camp fire, "when -I saw a big bull grizzly lying in the sunshine, picking his teeth with -his claws, and smiling, as if he said, 'You need not mind the horse, -old fellow; he's been found.' I at once gave a loud whoop, which I -thought would be heard by the boys in the camp, and prepared to string -the brute." - -"Oh, I know how it goes," interrupted Smarty Mellor, as we called him; -"seen it done heaps o' times! Six or eight o' ye rides up to the b'ar, -and s'rounds him, every son-of-a-gun with a _riata_ a mile long, and -worries him till he gits his mad up, and while he's a-chasin' one -feller the others is a-goin' aeter him, and a-floorin' of him by -loopin' his feet as they comes up behind, and when he turns onto them -fellers the other chappy turns onto him, and puts another loop onto -his feet as they comes up behind, and then--" - -"I bound my _riata_ tightly about my wrist," resumed old Sandy, -composedly, "so that the beast should not jerk away when I had got -him. Then I advanced upon him--very slowly, so as not to frighten him -away. Seeing me coming, he rose upon his haunches, to have a look at -me. He was about the size of a house--say a small two-storey house, -with a Mansard roof. I paused a moment, to take another turn of the -thong about my wrist. - -"Again I moved obliquely forward, trying to look as if I were thinking -about the new waterworks in San Francisco, or the next presidential -election, so as not to frighten him away. The brute now rose squarely -upon end, with his paws suspended before him, like a dog begging for a -biscuit, and I thought what a very large biscuit he must be begging -for! Halting a moment, to see if the _riata_ was likely to cut into my -wrist, I perceived the beast had an inkling of my design, and was -trying stupidly to stretch his head up out of reach. - -"I now threw off all disguise, and whirled my cord with a wide -circular sweep, and in another moment it would have been very -unpleasant for Bruin, but somehow the line appeared to get foul. While -I was opening the noose, the animal settled upon his feet and came -toward me; but the moment he saw me begin to whirl again, he got -frightened, up-ended himself as before, and shut his eyes. - -"Then I felt in my belt to see if my knife was there, when the bear -got down again and came forward, utterly regardless. - -"Seeing he was frightened and trying to escape by coming so close I -could not have a fair fling at him, I dropped the noose on the ground -and walked away, trailing the line behind me. When it was all run out, -the rascal arrived at the loop. He first smelled it, then opened it -with his paws, and putting it about his neck, tilted up again, and -nodded significantly. - -"I pulled out my knife, and severing the line at my wrist, walked -away, looking for some one to introduce me to Smarty Mellor." - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Cobwebs From an Empty Skull -by Ambrose Bierce (AKA: Dod Grile) - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COBWEBS FROM AN EMPTY SKULL *** - -***** This file should be named 12793.txt or 12793.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/7/9/12793/ - -Produced by Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at -https://gutenberg.org/license). - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at -https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at -809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email -business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact -information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official -page at https://pglaf.org - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit https://pglaf.org - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including including checks, online payments and credit card -donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - https://www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |