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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:16:49 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:16:49 -0700 |
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diff --git a/1278-h/1278-h.htm b/1278-h/1278-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..01b75f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/1278-h/1278-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3941 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Penelope's English Experiences, by Kate Douglas Wiggin. + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1278 ***</div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + PENELOPE'S ENGLISH EXPERIENCES + </h1> + <h3> + Being extracts from the commonplace book of Penelope Hamilton + </h3> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + by Kate Douglas Wiggin. + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h4> + To my Boston friend Salemina.<br /><br /> No Anglomaniac, but a true Briton. + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART"> <b>Part First—In Town.</b> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> Chapter I. The weekly bill. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> Chapter II. The powdered footman smiles. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> Chapter III. Eggs a la coque. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> Chapter IV. The English sense of humour. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> Chapter V. A Hyde Park Sunday. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> Chapter VI. The English Park Lover. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> Chapter VII. A ducal tea-party. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> Chapter VIII. Tuppenny travels in London. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> Chapter IX. A Table of Kindred and Affinity. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> Chapter X. Apropos of advertisements. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> Chapter XI. The ball on the opposite side. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> Chapter XII. Patricia makes her debut. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> Chapter XIII. A Penelope secret. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> Chapter XIV. Love and lavender. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART2"> <b>Part Second—In the country.</b> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> Chapter XV. Penelope dreams. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> Chapter XVI. The decay of Romance. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> Chapter XVII. Short stops and long bills. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> Chapter XVIII. I meet Mrs. Bobby. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> Chapter XIX. The heart of the artist. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> Chapter XX. A canticle to Jane. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> Chapter XXI. I remember, I remember. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> Chapter XXII. Comfort Cottage. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> Chapter XXIII. Tea served here. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> Chapter XXIV. An unlicensed victualler. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> Chapter XXV. Et ego in Arcadia vixit. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_PART" id="link2H_PART"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + Part First—In Town. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter I. The weekly bill. + </h2> + <p> + Smith's Hotel, + </p> + <p> + 10 Dovermarle Street. + </p> + <p> + Here we are in London again,—Francesca, Salemina, and I. Salemina is + a philanthropist of the Boston philanthropists limited. I am an artist. + Francesca is— It is very difficult to label Francesca. She is, at + her present stage of development, just a nice girl; that is about all: the + sense of humanity hasn't dawned upon her yet; she is even unaware that + personal responsibility for the universe has come into vogue, and so she + is happy. + </p> + <p> + Francesca is short of twenty years old, Salemina short of forty, I short + of thirty. Francesca is in love, Salemina never has been in love, I never + shall be in love. Francesca is rich, Salemina is well-to-do, I am poor. + There we are in a nutshell. + </p> + <p> + We are not only in London again, but we are again in Smith's private + hotel; one of those deliciously comfortable and ensnaring hostelries in + Mayfair which one enters as a solvent human being, and which one leaves as + a bankrupt, no matter what may be the number of ciphers on one's letter of + credit; since the greater one's apparent supply of wealth, the greater the + demand made upon it. I never stop long in London without determining to + give up my art for a private hotel. There must be millions in it, but I + fear I lack some of the essential qualifications for success. I never + could have the heart, for example, to charge a struggling young genius + eight shillings a week for two candles, and then eight shillings the next + week for the same two candles, which the struggling young genius, by dint + of vigorous economy, had managed to preserve to a decent height. No, I + could never do it, not even if I were certain that she would squander the + sixteen shillings in Bond Street fripperies instead of laying them up + against the rainy day. + </p> + <p> + It is Salemina who always unsnarls the weekly bill. Francesca spends an + evening or two with it, first of all, because, since she is so young, we + think it good mental-training for her, and not that she ever accomplishes + any results worth mentioning. She begins by making three columns headed + respectively F., S., and P. These initials stand for Francesca, Salemina, + and Penelope, but they resemble the signs for pounds, shillings, and pence + so perilously that they introduce an added distraction. + </p> + <p> + She then places in each column the items in which we are all equal, such + as rooms, attendance, fires, and lights. Then come the extras, which are + different for each person: more ale for one, more hot baths for another; + more carriages for one, more lemon squashes for another. Francesca's + column is principally filled with carriages and lemon squashes. You would + fancy her whole time was spent in driving and drinking, if you judged her + merely by this weekly statement at the hotel. + </p> + <p> + When she has reached the point of dividing the whole bill into three + parts, so that each person may know what is her share, she adds the three + together, expecting, not unnaturally, to get the total amount of the bill. + Not at all. She never comes within thirty shillings of the desired amount, + and she is often three or four guineas to the good or to the bad. One of + her difficulties lies in her inability to remember that in English money + it makes a difference where you place a figure, whether, in the pound, + shilling, or pence column. Having been educated on the theory that a six + is a six the world over, she charged me with sixty shillings' worth of + Apollinaris in one week. I pounced on the error, and found that she had + jotted down each pint in the shilling instead of in the pence column. + </p> + <p> + After Francesca had broken ground on the bill in this way, Salemina, on + the next leisure evening, draws a large armchair under the lamp and puts + on her eye-glasses. We perch on either arm, and, after identifying our own + extras, we summon the butler to identify his. There are a good many that + belong to him or to the landlady; of that fact we are always convinced + before he proves to the contrary. We can never see (until he makes us see) + why the breakfasts on the 8th should be four shillings each because we had + strawberries, if on the 8th we find strawberries charged in the luncheon + column and also in the column of desserts and ices. And then there are the + peripatetic lemon squashes. Dawson calls them 'still' lemon squashes + because they are made with water, not with soda or seltzer or vichy, but + they are particularly badly named. 'Still' forsooth! when one of them will + leap from place to place, appearing now in the column of mineral waters + and now in the spirits, now in the suppers, and again in the sundries. We + might as well drink Chablis or Pommery by the time one of these still + squashes has ceased wandering, and charging itself at each station. The + force of Dawson's intellect is such that he makes all this moral turbidity + as clear as crystal while he remains in evidence. His bodily presence has + a kind of illuminating power, and all the errors that we fancy we have + found he traces to their original source, which is always in our + suspicious and inexperienced minds. As he leaves the room he points out + some proof of unexampled magnanimity on the part of the hotel; as, for + instance, the fact that the management has not charged a penny for sending + up Miss Monroe's breakfast trays. Francesca impulsively presses two + shillings into his honest hand and remembers afterwards that only one + breakfast was served in our bedrooms during that particular week, and that + it was mine, not hers. + </p> + <p> + The Paid Out column is another source of great anxiety. Francesca is a + person who is always buying things unexpectedly and sending them home + C.O.D.; always taking a cab and having it paid at the house; always + sending telegrams and messages by hansom, and notes by the Boots. + </p> + <p> + I should think, were England on the brink of a war, that the Prime + Minister might expect in his office something of the same hubbub, uproar, + and excitement that Francesca manages to evolve in this private hotel. + Naturally she cannot remember her expenditures, or extravagances, or + complications of movement for a period of seven days; and when she attacks + the Paid Out column she exclaims in a frenzy, 'Just look at this! On the + 11th they say they paid out three shillings in telegrams, and I was at + Maidenhead!' Then because we love her and cannot bear to see her charming + forehead wrinkled, we approach from our respective corners, and the + conversation is something like this:— + </p> + <p> + Salemina. “You were not at Maidenhead on the 11th, Francesca; it was the + 12th.” + </p> + <p> + Francesca. “Oh! so it was; but I sent no telegrams on the 11th.” + </p> + <p> + Penelope. “Wasn't that the day you wired Mr. Drayton that you couldn't go + to the Zoo?” + </p> + <p> + Francesca. “Oh yes, so I did: and to Mr. Godolphin that I could. I + remember now; but that's only two.” + </p> + <p> + Salemina. “How about the hairdresser whom you stopped coming from + Kensington?” + </p> + <p> + Francesca. “Yes, she's the third, that's all right then; but what in the + world is this twelve shillings?” + </p> + <p> + Penelope. “The foolish amber beads you were persuaded into buying in the + Burlington Arcade?” + </p> + <p> + Francesca. “No, those were seven shillings, and they are splitting + already.” + </p> + <p> + Salemina. “Those soaps and sachets you bought on the way home the day that + you left your purse in the cab?” + </p> + <p> + Francesca. “No; they were only five shillings. Oh, perhaps they lumped the + two things; if seven and five are twelve, then that is just what they did. + (Here she takes a pencil.) Yes, they are twelve, so that's right; what a + comfort! Now here's two and six on the 13th. That was yesterday, and I can + always remember yesterdays; they are my strong point. I didn't spend a + penny yesterday; oh yes! I did pay half a crown for a potted plant, but it + was not two and six, and it was a half-crown because it was the first time + I had seen one and I took particular notice. I'll speak to Dawson about + it, but it will make no difference. Nobody but an expert English + accountant could find a flaw in one of these bills and prove his case.” + </p> + <p> + By this time we have agreed that the weekly bill as a whole is + substantially correct, and all that Salemina has to do is to estimate our + several shares in it; so Francesca and I say good night and leave her + toiling like Cicero in his retirement at Tusculum. By midnight she has + generally brought the account to a point where a half-hour's fresh + attention in the early morning will finish it. Not that she makes it come + out right to a penny. She has been treasurer of the Boston Band of + Benevolence, of the Saturday Morning Sloyd Circle, of the Club for the + Reception of Russian Refugees, and of the Society for the Brooding of + Buddhism; but none of these organisations carries on its existence by + means of pounds, shillings, and pence, or Salemina's resignation would + have been requested long ago. However, we are not disposed to be captious; + we are too glad to get rid of the bill. If our united thirds make four or + five shillings in excess, we divide them equally; if it comes the other + way about, we make it up in the same manner; always meeting the sneers of + masculine critics with Dr. Holmes's remark that a faculty for numbers is a + sort of detached-lever arrangement that can be put into a mighty poor + watch. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter II. The powdered footman smiles. + </h2> + <p> + Salemina is so English! I can't think how she manages. She had not been an + hour on British soil before she asked a servant to fetch in some coals and + mend the fire; she followed this Anglicism by a request for a grilled + chop, 'a grilled, chump chop, waiter, please,' and so on from triumph to + triumph. She now discourses of methylated spirits as if she had never in + her life heard of alcohol, and all the English equivalents for + Americanisms are ready for use on the tip of her tongue. She says + 'conserv't'ry' and 'observ't'ry'; she calls the chambermaid 'Mairy,' which + is infinitely softer, to be sure, than the American 'Mary,' with its + over-long a; she ejaculates 'Quite so!' in all the pauses of conversation, + and talks of smoke-rooms, and camisoles, and luggage-vans, and + slip-bodies, and trams, and mangling, and goffering. She also eats jam for + breakfast as if she had been reared on it, when every one knows that the + average American has to contract the jam habit by patient and continuous + practice. + </p> + <p> + This instantaneous assimilation of English customs does not seem to be + affectation on Salemina's part; nor will I wrong her by fancying that she + went through a course of training before she left Boston. From the moment + she landed you could see that her foot was on her native heath. She + inhaled the fog with a sense of intoxication that the east winds of New + England had never given her, and a great throb of patriotism swelled in + her breast when she first met the Princess of Wales in Hyde Park. + </p> + <p> + As for me, I get on charmingly with the English nobility and sufficiently + well with the gentry, but the upper servants strike terror to my soul. + There is something awe-inspiring to me about an English butler. If they + would only put him in livery, or make him wear a silver badge; anything, + in short, to temper his pride and prevent one from mistaking him for the + master of the house or the bishop within his gates. When I call upon Lady + DeWolfe, I say to myself impressively, as I go up the steps: 'You are as + good as a butler, as well born and well bred as a butler, even more + intelligent than a butler. Now, simply because he has an unapproachable + haughtiness of demeanour, which you can respectfully admire, but can never + hope to imitate, do not cower beneath the polar light of his eye; assert + yourself; be a woman; be an American citizen!' All in vain. The moment the + door opens I ask for Lady DeWolfe in so timid a tone that I know Parker + thinks me the parlour-maid's sister who has rung the visitors' bell by + mistake. If my lady is within, I follow Parker to the drawing-room, my + knees shaking under me at the prospect of committing some solecism in his + sight. Lady DeWolfe's husband has been noble only four months, and Parker + of course knows it, and perhaps affects even greater hauteur to divert the + attention of the vulgar commoner from the newness of the title. + </p> + <p> + Dawson, our butler at Smith's private hotel, wields the same blighting + influence on our spirits, accustomed to the soft solicitations of the + negro waiter or the comfortable indifference of the free-born American. We + never indulge in ordinary democratic or frivolous conversation when Dawson + is serving us at dinner. We 'talk up' to him so far as we are able, and + before we utter any remark we inquire mentally whether he is likely to + think it good form. Accordingly, I maintain throughout dinner a lofty + height of aristocratic elegance that impresses even the impassive Dawson, + towards whom it is solely directed. To the amazement and amusement of + Salemina (who always takes my cheerful inanities at their face value), I + give an hypothetical account of my afternoon engagements, interlarding it + so thickly with countesses and marchionesses and lords and honourables + that though Dawson has passed soup to duchesses, and scarcely ever handed + a plate to anything less than a baroness, he dilutes the customary scorn + of his glance, and makes it two parts condescending approval as it rests + on me, Penelope Hamilton, of the great American working class (unlimited). + </p> + <p> + Apropos of the servants, it seems to me that the British footman has + relaxed a trifle since we were last here; or is it possible that he + reaches the height of his immobility at the height of the London season, + and as it declines does he decline and become flesh? At all events, I have + twice seen a footman change his weight from one leg to the other, as he + stood at a shop entrance with his lady's mantle over his arm; twice have I + seen one stroke his chin, and several times have I observed others, during + the month of July, conduct themselves in many respects like animate + objects with vital organs. Lest this incendiary statement be challenged, + levelled as it is at an institution whose stability and order are but + feebly represented by the eternal march of the stars in their courses, I + hasten to explain that in none of these cases cited was it a powdered + footman who (to use a Delsartean expression) withdrew will from his body + and devitalised it before the public eye. I have observed that the + powdered personage has much greater control over his muscles than the + ordinary footman with human hair, and is infinitely his superior in + rigidity. Dawson tells me confidentially that if a footman smiles there is + little chance of his rising in the world. He says a sense of humour is + absolutely fatal in that calling, and that he has discharged many a good + footman because of an intelligent and expressive face. + </p> + <p> + I tremble to think of what the powdered footman may become when he unbends + in the bosom of the family. When, in the privacy of his own apartments, + the powder is washed off, the canary-seed pads removed from his + aristocratic calves, and his scarlet and buff magnificence exchanged for a + simple neglige, I should think he might be guilty of almost any + indiscretion or violence. I for one would never consent to be the wife and + children of a powdered footman, and receive him in his moments of + reaction. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter III. Eggs a la coque. + </h2> + <p> + Is it to my credit, or to my eternal dishonour that I once made a powdered + footman smile, and that, too, when he was handing a buttered muffin to an + earl's daughter? + </p> + <p> + It was while we were paying a visit at Marjorimallow Hall, Sir Owen and + Lady Marjorimallow's place in Surrey. This was to be our first appearance + in an English country house, and we made elaborate preparations. Only our + freshest toilettes were packed, and these were arranged in our trunks with + the sole view of impressing the lady's-maid who should unpack them. We + each purchased dressing-cases and new fittings, Francesca's being of + sterling silver, Salemina's of triple plate, and mine of celluloid, as + befitted our several fortunes. Salemina read up on English politics; + Francesca practised a new way of dressing her hair; and I made up a + portfolio of sketches. We counted, therefore, on representing American + letters, beauty, and art to that portion of the great English public + staying at Marjorimallow Hall. (I must interject a parenthesis here to the + effect that matters did not move precisely as we expected; for at table, + where most of our time was passed, Francesca had for a neighbour a + scientist, who asked her plump whether the religion of the American Indian + was or was not a pure theism; Salemina's partner objected to the word + 'politics' in the mouth of a woman; while my attendant squire adored a + good bright-coloured chromo. But this is anticipating.) + </p> + <p> + Three days before our departure, I remarked at the breakfast-table, Dawson + being absent: “My dear girls, you are aware that we have ordered fried + eggs, scrambled eggs, buttered eggs, and poached eggs ever since we came + to Dovermarle Street, simply because we do not know how to eat boiled eggs + prettily from the shell, English fashion, and cannot break them into a cup + or a glass, American fashion, on account of the effect upon Dawson. Now + there will certainly be boiled eggs at Marjorimallow Hall, and we cannot + refuse them morning after morning; it will be cowardly (which is + unpleasant), and it will be remarked (which is worse). Eating them minced + in an egg-cup, in a baronial hall, with the remains of a drawbridge in the + grounds, is equally impossible; if we do that, Lady Marjorimallow will be + having our luggage examined, to see if we carry wigwams and war-whoops + about with us. No, it is clearly necessary that we master the gentle art + of eating eggs tidily and daintily from the shell. I have seen English + women—very dull ones, too—do it without apparent effort; I + have even seen an English infant do it, and that without soiling her + apron, or, as Salemina would say, 'messing her pinafore.' I propose, + therefore, that we order soft-boiled eggs daily; that we send Dawson from + the room directly breakfast is served; and that then and there we have a + class for opening eggs, lowest grade, object method. Any person who cuts + the shell badly, or permits the egg to leak over the rim, or allows yellow + dabs on the plate, or upsets the cup, or stains her fingers, shall be + fined 'tuppence' and locked into her bedroom for five minutes.” + </p> + <p> + The first morning we were all in the bedroom together, and, there being no + blameless person to collect fines, the wildest civil disorder prevailed. + </p> + <p> + On the second day Salemina and I improved slightly, but Francesca had + passed a sleepless night, and her hand trembled (the love-letter mail had + come in from America). We were obliged to tell her, as we collected + 'tuppence' twice on the same egg, that she must either remain at home, or + take an oilcloth pinafore to Marjorimallow Hall. + </p> + <p> + But 'ease is the lovely result of forgotten toil,' and it is only a + question of time and desire with Americans, we are so clever. Other + nations have to be trained from birth; but as we need only an ounce of + training where they need a pound, we can afford to procrastinate. + Sometimes we procrastinate too long, but that is a trifle. On the third + morning success crowned our efforts. Salemina smiled, and I told an + anecdote, during the operation, although my egg was cracked in the + boiling, and I question if the Queen's favourite maid-of-honour could have + managed it prettily. Accordingly, when eggs were brought to the + breakfast-table at Marjorimallow Hall, we were only slightly nervous. + Francesca was at the far end of the long table, and I do not know how she + fared, but from various Anglicisms that Salemina dropped, as she chatted + with the Queen's Counsel on her left, I could see that her nerve was + steady and circulation free. We exchanged glances (there was the + mistake!), and with an embarrassed laugh she struck her egg a hasty blow. + </p> + <p> + Her egg-cup slipped and lurched; a top fraction of the egg flew in the + direction of the Q.C., and the remaining portion oozed, in yellow + confusion, rapidly into her plate. Alas for that past mistress of elegant + dignity, Salemina! If I had been at Her Majesty's table, I should have + smiled, even if I had gone to the Tower the next moment; but as it was, I + became hysterical. My neighbour, a portly member of Parliament, looked + amazed, Salemina grew scarlet, the situation was charged with danger; and, + rapidly viewing the various exits, I chose the humorous one, and told as + picturesquely as possible the whole story of our school of egg-opening in + Dovermarle Street, the highly arduous and encouraging rehearsals conducted + there, and the stupendous failure incident to our first public appearance. + Sir Owen led the good-natured laughter and applause; lords and ladies, + Q.C.'s and M.P.'s joined in with a will; poor Salemina raised her drooping + head, opened and ate a second egg with the repose of a Vere de Vere—and + the footman smiled! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter IV. The English sense of humour. + </h2> + <p> + I do not see why we hear that the Englishman is deficient in a sense of + humour. His jokes may not be a matter of daily food to him, as they are to + the American; he may not love whimsicality with the same passion, nor + inhale the aroma of a witticism with as keen a relish; but he likes fun + whenever he sees it, and he sees it as often as most people. It may be + that we find the Englishman more receptive to our bits of feminine + nonsense just now, simply because this is the day of the American woman in + London, and, having been assured that she is an entertaining personage, + young John Bull is willing to take it for granted so long as she does not + try to marry him, and even this pleasure he will allow her on occasion,—if + well paid for it. + </p> + <p> + The longer I live, the more I feel it an absurdity to label nations with + national traits, and then endeavour to make individuals conform to the + required standard. It is possible, I suppose, to draw certain broad + distinctions, though even these are subject to change; but the habit of + generalising from one particular, that mainstay of the cheap and obvious + essayist, has rooted many fictions in the public mind. Nothing, for + instance, can blot from my memory the profound, searching, and exhaustive + analysis of a great nation which I learned in my small geography when I + was a child, namely, 'The French are a gay and polite people, fond of + dancing and light wines.' + </p> + <p> + One young Englishman whom I have met lately errs on the side of + over-appreciation. He laughs before, during, and after every remark I + make, unless it be a simple request for food or drink. This is an + acquaintance of Willie Beresford, the Honourable Arthur Ponsonby, who was + the 'whip' on our coach drive to Dorking,—dear, delightful, adorable + Dorking, of hen celebrity. + </p> + <p> + Salemina insisted on my taking the box seat, in the hope that the + Honourable Arthur would amuse me. She little knew him! He sapped me of all + my ideas, and gave me none in exchange. Anything so unspeakably heavy I + never encountered. It is very difficult for a woman who doesn't know a + nigh horse from an off one, nor the wheelers from the headers (or is it + the fronters?), to find subjects of conversation with a gentleman who + spends three-fourths of his existence on a coach. It was the more + difficult for me because I could not decide whether Willie Beresford was + cross because I was devoting myself to the whip, or because Francesca had + remained at home with a headache. This state of affairs continued for + about fifteen miles, when it suddenly dawned upon the Honourable Arthur + that, however mistaken my speech and manner, I was trying to be agreeable. + This conception acted on the honest and amiable soul like magic. I + gradually became comprehensible, and finally he gave himself up to the + theory that, though eccentric, I was harmless and amusing, so we got on + famously,—so famously that Willie Beresford grew ridiculously + gloomy, and I decided that it could not be Francesca's headache. + </p> + <p> + The names of these English streets are a never-failing source of delight + to me. In that one morning we drove past Pie, Pudding, and Petticoat + Lanes, and later on we found ourselves in a 'Prudent Passage,' which + opened, very inappropriately, into 'Huggin Lane.' Willie Beresford said it + was the first time he had ever heard of anything so disagreeable as + prudence terminating in anything so agreeable as huggin'. When he had been + severely reprimanded by his mother for this shocking speech, I said to the + Honourable Arthur:— + </p> + <p> + “I don't understand your business signs in England,—this 'Company, + Limited,' and that 'Company, Limited.' That one, of course, is quite + plain” (pointing to the front of a building on the village street), + “'Goat's Milk Company, Limited'; I suppose they have but one or two goats, + and necessarily the milk must be Limited.” + </p> + <p> + Salemina says that this was not in the least funny, that it was absolutely + flat; but it had quite the opposite effect upon the Honourable Arthur. He + had no command over himself or his horses for some minutes; and at + intervals during the afternoon the full felicity of the idea would steal + upon him, and the smile of reminiscence would flit across his ruddy face. + </p> + <p> + The next day, at the Eton and Harrow games at Lord's cricket-ground, he + presented three flowers of British aristocracy to our party, and asked me + each time to tell the goat-story, which he had previously told himself, + and probably murdered in the telling. Not content with this arrant + flattery, he begged to be allowed to recount some of my international + episodes to a literary friend who writes for Punch. I demurred decidedly, + but Salemina said that perhaps I ought to be willing to lower myself a + trifle for the sake of elevating Punch! This home-thrust so delighted the + Honourable Arthur that it remained his favourite joke for days, and the + overworked goat was permitted to enjoy that oblivion from which Salemina + insists it should never have emerged. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter V. A Hyde Park Sunday. + </h2> + <p> + The Honourable Arthur, Salemina, and I took a stroll in Hyde Park one + Sunday afternoon, not for the purpose of joining the fashionable throng of + 'pretty people' at Stanhope Gate, but to mingle with the common herd in + its special precincts,—precincts not set apart, indeed, by any legal + formula, but by a natural law of classification which seems to be inherent + in the universe. It was a curious and motley crowd—a little dull, + perhaps, but orderly, well-behaved, and self-respecting, with here and + there part of the flotsam and jetsam of a great city, a ragged, sodden, + hopeless wretch wending his way about with the rest, thankful for any + diversion. + </p> + <p> + Under the trees, each in the centre of his group, large or small according + to his magnetism and eloquence, stood the park 'shouter,' airing his + special grievance, playing his special part, preaching his special creed, + pleading his special cause,—anything, probably, for the sake of + shouting. We were plainly dressed, and did not attract observation as we + joined the outside circle of one of these groups after another. It was as + interesting to watch the listeners as the speakers. I wished I might paint + the sea of faces, eager, anxious, stolid, attentive, happy, and unhappy: + histories written on many of them; others blank, unmarked by any thought + or aspiration. I stole a sidelong look at the Honourable Arthur. He is an + Englishman first, and a man afterwards (I prefer it the other way), but he + does not realise it; he thinks he is just like all other good fellows, + although he is mistaken. He and Willie Beresford speak the same language, + but they are as different as Malay and Eskimo. He is an extreme type, but + he is very likeable and very well worth looking at, with his long coat, + his silk hat, and the white Malmaison in his buttonhole. He is always so + radiantly, fascinatingly clean, the Honourable Arthur, simple, frank, + direct, sensible, and he bores me almost to tears. + </p> + <p> + The first orator was edifying his hearers with an explanation of the drama + of The Corsican Brothers, and his eloquence, unlike that of the other + speakers, was largely inspired by the hope of pennies. It was a novel + idea, and his interpretation was rendered very amusing to us by the wholly + original Yorkshire accent which he gave to the French personages and + places in the play. + </p> + <p> + An Irishman in black clerical garb held the next group together. He was in + some trouble, owing to a pig-headed and quarrelsome Scotchman in the front + rank, who objected to each statement that fell from his lips, thus + interfering seriously with the effect of his peroration. If the Irishman + had been more convincing, I suppose the crowd would have silenced the + scoffer, for these little matters of discipline are always attended to by + the audience; but the Scotchman's points were too well taken; he was so + trenchant, in fact, at times, that a voice would cry, 'Coom up, Sandy, an' + 'ave it all your own w'y, boy!' The discussion continued as long as we + were within hearing distance, for the Irishman, though amiable and + ignorant, was firm, the 'unconquered Scot' was on his native heath of + argument, and the listeners were willing to give them both a hearing. + </p> + <p> + Under the next tree a fluent Cockney lad of sixteen or eighteen years was + declaiming his bitter experiences with the Salvation Army. He had been + sheltered in one of its beds which was not to his taste, and it had found + employment for him which he had to walk twenty-two miles to get, and which + was not to his liking when he did get it. A meeting of the Salvation Army + at a little distance rendered his speech more interesting, as its points + were repeated and denied as fast as made. + </p> + <p> + Of course there were religious groups and temperance groups, and groups + devoted to the tearing down or raising up of most things except the + Government; for on that day there were no Anarchist or Socialist shouters, + as is ordinarily the case. + </p> + <p> + As we strolled down one of the broad roads under the shade of the noble + trees, we saw the sun setting in a red-gold haze; a glory of vivid colour + made indescribably tender and opalescent by the kind of luminous mist that + veils it; a wholly English sunset, and an altogether lovely one. And quite + away from the other knots of people, there leaned against a bit of wire + fence a poor old man surrounded by half a dozen children and one tired + woman with a nursing baby. He had a tattered book, which seemed to be the + story of the Gospels, and his little flock sat on the greensward at his + feet as he read. It may be that he, too, had been a shouter in his lustier + manhood, and had held a larger audience together by the power of his + belief; but now he was helpless to attract any but the children. Whether + it was the pathos of his white hairs, his garb of shreds and patches, or + the mild benignity of his eye that moved me, I know not, but among all the + Sunday shouters in Hyde Park it seemed to me that that quavering voice of + the past spoke with the truest note. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter VI. The English Park Lover. + </h2> + <p> + The English Park Lover, loving his love on a green bench in Kensington + Gardens or Regent's Park, or indeed in any spot where there is a green + bench, so long as it is within full view of the passer-by,—this + English public lover, male or female, is a most interesting study, for we + have not his exact counterpart in America. He is thoroughly respectable, I + should think, my urban Colin. He does not have the air of a gay deceiver + roving from flower to flower, stealing honey as he goes; he looks, on the + contrary, as if it were his intention to lead Phoebe to the altar on the + next bank holiday; there is a dead calm in his actions which bespeaks no + other course. If Colin were a Don Juan, surely he would be a trifle more + ardent, for there is no tropical fervour in his matter-of-fact caresses. + He does not embrace Phoebe in the park, apparently, because he adores her + to madness; because her smile is like fire in his veins, melting down all + his defences; because the intoxication of her nearness is irresistible; + because, in fine, he cannot wait until he finds a more secluded spot: nay, + verily, he embraces her because—tell me, infatuated fruiterers, + poulterers, soldiers, haberdashers (limited), what is your reason? For it + does not appear to the casual eye. Stormy weather does not vex the calm of + the Park Lover, for 'the rains of Marly do not wet' when one is in love. + By a clever manipulation of four arms and four hands they can manage an + umbrella and enfold each other at the same time, though a feminine + macintosh is well known to be ill adapted to the purpose, and a continuous + drizzle would dampen almost any other lover in the universe. + </p> + <p> + The park embrace, as nearly as I can analyse it, seems to be one part + instinct, one part duty, one part custom, and one part reflex action. I + have purposely omitted pleasure (which, in the analysis of the ordinary + embrace, reduces all the other ingredients to an almost invisible + faction), because I fail to find it; but I am willing to believe that in + some rudimentary form it does exist, because man attends to no purely + unpleasant matter with such praiseworthy assiduity. Anything more fixedly + stolid than the Park Lover when he passes his arm round his chosen one and + takes her crimson hand in his, I have never seen; unless, indeed, it be + the fixed stolidity of the chosen one herself. I had not at first the + assurance even to glance at them as I passed by, blushing myself to the + roots of my hair, though the offenders themselves never changed colour. + Many a time have I walked out of my way or lowered my parasol, for fear of + invading their Sunday Eden; but a spirit of inquiry awoke in me at last, + and I began to make psychological investigations, with a view to finding + out at what point embarrassment would appear in the Park Lover. I + experimented (it was a most arduous and unpleasant task) with upwards of + two hundred couples, and it is interesting to record that + self-consciousness was not apparent in a single instance. It was not + merely that they failed to resent my stopping in the path directly + opposite them, or my glaring most offensively at them, nor that they even + allowed me to sit upon their green bench and witness their chaste salutes, + but it was that they did fail to perceive me at all! There is a kind of + superb finish and completeness about their indifference to the public gaze + which removes it from ordinary immodesty, and gives it a certain + scientific value. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter VII. A ducal tea-party. + </h2> + <p> + Among all my English experiences, none occupies so important a place as my + forced meeting with the Duke of Cimicifugas. (There can be no harm in my + telling the incident, so long as I do not give the right names, which are + very well known to fame.) The Duchess of Cimicifugas, who is charming, + unaffected, and lovable, so report says, has among her chosen friends an + untitled woman whom we will call Mrs. Apis Mellifica. I met her only + daughter, Hilda, in America, and we became quite intimate. It seems that + Mrs. Apis Mellifica, who has an income of 20,000 pounds a year, often + exchanges presents with the duchess, and at this time she had brought with + her from the Continent some rare old tapestries with which to adorn a new + morning-room at Cimicifugas House. These tapestries were to be hung during + the absence of the duchess in Homburg, and were to greet her as a birthday + surprise on her return. Hilda Mellifica, who is one of the most talented + amateur artists in London, and who has exquisite taste in all matters of + decoration, was to go down to the ducal residence to inspect the work, and + she obtained permission from Lady Veratrum (the confidential companion of + the duchess) to bring me with her. I started on this journey to the + country with all possible delight, little surmising the agonies that lay + in store for me in the mercifully hidden future. + </p> + <p> + The tapestries were perfect, and Lady Veratrum was most amiable and + affable, though the blue blood of the Belladonnas courses in her veins, + and her great-grandfather was the celebrated Earl of Rhus Tox, who + rendered such notable service to his sovereign. We roamed through the + splendid apartments, inspected the superb picture-gallery, where scores of + dead-and-gone Cimicifugases (most of them very plain) were glorified by + the art of Van Dyck, Sir Joshua, or Gainsborough, and admired the + priceless collections of marbles and cameos and bronzes. It was about four + o'clock when we were conducted to a magnificent apartment for a brief + rest, as we were to return to London at half-past six. As Lady Veratrum + left us, she remarked casually, 'His Grace will join us at tea.' + </p> + <p> + The door closed, and at the same moment I fell upon the brocaded satin + state bed and tore off my hat and gloves like one distraught. + </p> + <p> + “Hilda,” I gasped, “you brought me here, and you must rescue me, for I + absolutely decline to drink tea with a duke.” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, Penelope, don't be absurd,” she replied. “I have never happened + to see him myself, and I am a trifle nervous, but it cannot be very + terrible, I should think.” + </p> + <p> + “Not to you, perhaps, but to me impossible,” I said. “I thought he was in + Homburg, or I would never have entered this place. It is not that I fear + nobility. I could meet Her Majesty the Queen at the Court of St. James + without the slightest flutter of embarrassment, because I know I could + trust her not to presume on my defencelessness to enter into conversation + with me. But this duke, whose dukedom very likely dates back to the hour + of the Norman Conquest, is a very different person, and is to be met under + very different circumstances. He may ask me my politics. Of course I can + tell him that I am a Mugwump, but what if he asks me why I am a Mugwump?” + </p> + <p> + “He will not,” Hilda answered. “Englishmen are not wholly devoid of + feeling!” + </p> + <p> + “And how shall I address him?” I went on. “Does one call him 'your Grace,' + or 'your Royal Highness'? Oh for a thousandth-part of the unblushing + impertinence of that countrywoman of mine who called your future king + 'Tummy'! but she was a beauty, and I am not pretty enough to be anything + but discreetly well-mannered. Shall you sit in his presence, or stand and + grovel alternately? Does one have to curtsy? Very well, then, make any + excuses you like for me, Hilda: say I'm eccentric, say I'm deranged, say + I'm a Nihilist. I will hide under the scullery table, fling myself in the + moat, lock myself in the keep, let the portcullis fall on me, die any + appropriate early English death,—anything rather than curtsy in a + tailor-made gown; I can kneel beautifully, Hilda, if that will do: you + remember my ancestors were brought up on kneeling, and yours on curtsying, + and it makes a great difference in the muscles.” + </p> + <p> + Hilda smiled benignantly as she wound the coil of russet hair round her + shapely head. “He will think whatever you do charming, and whatever you + say brilliant,” she said; “that is the advantage in being an American + woman.” + </p> + <p> + Just at this moment Lady Veratrum sent a haughty maid to ask us if we + would meet her under the trees in the park which surrounds the house. I + hailed this as a welcome reprieve to the dreaded function of tea with the + duke, and made up my mind, while descending the marble staircase, that I + would slip away and lose myself accidentally in the grounds, appearing + only in time for the London train. This happy mode of issue from my + difficulties lent a springiness to my step, as we followed a waxwork + footman over the velvet sward to a nook under a group of copper beeches. + But there, to my dismay, stood a charmingly appointed tea-table glittering + with silver and Royal Worcester, with several liveried servants bringing + cakes and muffins and berries to Lady Veratrum, who sat behind the + steaming urn. I started to retreat, when there appeared, walking towards + us, a simple man, with nothing in the least extraordinary about him. + </p> + <p> + “That cannot be the Duke of Cimicifugas,” thought I, “a man in a corduroy + jacket, without a sign of a suite; probably it is a Banished Duke come + from the Forest of Arden for a buttered muffin.” + </p> + <p> + But it was the Duke of Cimicifugas, and no other. Hilda was presented + first, while I tried to fire my courage by thinking of the Puritan + Fathers, and Plymouth Rock, and the Boston Tea-Party, and the battle of + Bunker Hill. Then my turn came. I murmured some words which might have + been anything, and curtsied in a stiff-necked self-respecting sort of way. + Then we talked,—at least the duke and Lady Veratrum talked. Hilda + said a few blameless words, such as befitted an untitled English virgin in + the presence of the nobility; while I maintained the probationary silence + required by Pythagoras of his first year's pupils. My idea was to observe + this first duke without uttering a word, to talk with the second (if I + should ever meet a second), to chat with the third, and to secure the + fourth for Francesca to take home to America with her. + </p> + <p> + Of course I know that dukes are very dear, but she could afford any + reasonable sum, if she found one whom she fancied; the principal obstacle + in the path is that tiresome American lawyer with whom she considers + herself in love. I have never gone beyond that first experience, however, + for dukes in England are as rare as snakes in Ireland. I can't think why + they allow them to die out so,—the dukes, not the snakes. If a + country is to have an aristocracy, let there be enough of it, say I, and + make it imposing at the top, where it shows most, especially since, as I + understand it, all that Victoria has to do is to say, 'Let there be + dukes,' and there are dukes. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter VIII. Tuppenny travels in London. + </h2> + <p> + If one really wants to know London, one must live there for years and + years. + </p> + <p> + This sounds like a reasonable and sensible statement, yet the moment it is + made I retract it, as quite misleading and altogether too general. + </p> + <p> + We have a charming English friend who has not been to the Tower since he + was a small boy, and begs us to conduct him there on the very next + Saturday. Another has not seen Westminster Abbey for fifteen years, + because he attends church at St. Dunstan's-in-the-East. Another says that + he should like to have us 'read up' London in the red-covered Baedeker, + and then show it to him, properly and systematically. Another, a flower of + the nobility, confesses that he never mounted the top of an omnibus in the + evening for the sake of seeing London after dark, but that he thinks it + would be rather jolly, and that he will join us in such a democratic + journey at any time we like. + </p> + <p> + We think we get a kind of vague apprehension of what London means from the + top of a 'bus better than anywhere else, and this vague apprehension is as + much as the thoughtful or imaginative observer will ever arrive at in a + lifetime. It is too stupendous to be comprehended. The mind is dazed by + its distances, confused by its contrasts; tossed from the spectacle of its + wealth to the contemplation of its poverty, the brilliancy of its + extravagances to the stolidity of its miseries, the luxuries that blossom + in Mayfair to the brutalities that lurk in Whitechapel. + </p> + <p> + We often set out on a fine morning, Salemina and I, and travel twenty + miles in the day, though we have to double our twopenny fee several times + to accomplish that distance. + </p> + <p> + We never know whither we are going, and indeed it is not a matter of great + moment (I mean to a woman) where everything is new and strange, and where + the driver, if one is fortunate enough to be on a front seat, tells one + everything of interest along the way, and instructs one regarding a + different route back to town. + </p> + <p> + We have our favourite 'buses, of course; but when one appears, and we jump + on while it is still in motion, as the conductor seems to prefer, and pull + ourselves up the cork-screw stairway,—not a simple matter in the + garments of sophistication,—we have little time to observe more than + the colour of the lumbering vehicle. + </p> + <p> + We like the Cadbury's Cocoa 'bus very much; it takes you by St. + Mary-le-Strand, Bow-Bells, the Temple, Mansion House, St, Paul's, and the + Bank. + </p> + <p> + If you want to go and lunch, or dine frugally, at the Cheshire Cheese, eat + black pudding and drink pale ale, sit in Dr. Johnson's old seat, and put + your head against the exact spot on the wall where his rested,—although + the traces of this form of worship are all too apparent,—then you + jump on a Lipton's Tea 'bus, and are deposited at the very door. All is + novel, and all is interesting, whether it be crowded streets of the East + End traversed by the Davies' Pea-Fed Bacon 'buses, or whether you ride to + the very outskirts of London, through green fields and hedgerows, by the + Ridge's Food or Nestle's Milk route. + </p> + <p> + There are trams, too, which take one to delightful places, though the + seats on top extend lengthwise, after the old 'knifeboard pattern,' and + one does not get so good a view of the country as from the 'garden seats' + on the roof of the omnibus; still there is nothing we like better on a + warm morning than a good outing on the Vinolia tram that we pick up in + Shaftesbury Avenue. There is a street running from Shaftesbury Avenue into + Oxford Street, which was once the village of St. Giles, one of the dozens + of hamlets swallowed up by the great maw of London, and it still looks + like a hamlet, although it has been absorbed for many years. We constantly + happen on these absorbed villages, from which, not a century ago, people + drove up to town in their coaches. + </p> + <p> + If you wish to see another phase of life, go out on a Saturday evening, + from nine o'clock on to eleven, starting on a Beecham's Pill 'bus, and + keep to the poorer districts, alighting occasionally to stand with the + crowd in the narrower thoroughfares. + </p> + <p> + It is a market night, and the streets will be a moving mass of men and + women buying at the hucksters' stalls. Everything that can be sold at a + stall is there: fruit, vegetables, meat, fish, crockery, tin-ware, + children's clothing, cheap toys, boots, shoes, and sun-bonnets, all in + reckless confusion. The vendors cry their wares in stentorian tones, vying + with one another to produce excitement and induce patronage, while + gas-jets are streaming into the air from the roofs and flaring from the + sides of the stalls; children crying, children dancing to the strains of + an accordion, children quarrelling, children scrambling for the refuse + fruit. In the midst of this spectacle, this din and uproar, the women are + chaffering and bargaining quite calmly, watching the scales to see that + they get their full pennyworth or sixpennyworth of this or that. To the + student of faces, of manners, of voices, of gestures; to the person who + sees unwritten and unwritable stories in all these groups of men, women, + and children, the scene reveals many things: some comedies, many + tragedies, a few plain narratives (thank God!) and now and then—only + now and then—a romance. As to the dark alleys and tenements on the + fringe of this glare and brilliant confusion, this Babel of sound and + ant-bed of moving life, one can only surmise and pity and shudder; close + one's eyes and ears to it a little, or one could never sleep for thinking + of it, yet not too tightly lest one sleep too soundly, and forget + altogether the seamy side of things. One can hardly believe that there is + a seamy side when one descends from his travelling observatory a little + later, and stands on Westminster Bridge, or walks along the Thames + Embankment. The lights of Parliament House gleam from a hundred windows, + and in the dark shadows by the banks thousands of coloured discs of light + twinkle and dance and glow like fairy lamps, and are reflected in the + silver surface of the river. That river, as full of mystery and contrast + in its course as London itself—where is such another? It has ever + been a river of pageants, a river of sighs; a river into whose placid + depths kings and queens, princes and cardinals, have whispered state + secrets, and poets have breathed immortal lines; a stream of pleasure, + bearing daily on its bosom such a freight of youth and mirth and colour + and music as no other river in the world can boast. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes we sally forth in search of adventures in the thick of a 'London + particular,' Mr. Guppy's phrase for a fog. When you are once ensconced in + your garden seat by the driver, you go lumbering through a world of + bobbing shadows, where all is weird, vague, grey, dense; and where great + objects loom up suddenly in the mist and then disappear; where the sky, + heavy and leaden, seems to descend bodily upon your head, and the air is + full of a kind of luminous yellow smoke. + </p> + <p> + A Lipton's Tea 'bus is the only one we can see plainly in this sort of + weather, and so we always take it. I do not wish, however, to be followed + literally in these modest suggestions for omnibus rides, because I am well + aware that they are not sufficiently specific for the ordinary tourist who + wishes to see London systematically and without any loss of time. If you + care to go to any particular place, or reach that place by any particular + time, you must not, of course, look at the most conspicuous signs on the + tops and ends of the chariots as we do; you must stand quietly at one of + the regular points of departure and try to decipher, in a narrow + horizontal space along the side, certain little words that show the route + and destination of the vehicle. They say that it can be done, and I do not + feel like denying it on my own responsibility. Old Londoners assert that + they are not blinded or confused by Pears' Soap in letters two feet high, + scarlet on a gold ground, but can see below in fine print, and with the + naked eye, such legends as Tottenham Court Road, Westbourne Grove, St. + Pancras, Paddington, or Victoria. It is certainly reasonable that the + omnibuses should be decorated to suit the inhabitants of the place rather + than foreigners, and it is perhaps better to carry a few hundred stupid + souls to the wrong station daily than to allow them to cleanse their hands + with the wrong soap, or quench their thirst with the wrong (which is to + say the unadvertised) beverage. + </p> + <p> + The conductors do all in their power to mitigate the lot of unhappy + strangers, and it is only now and again that you hear an absent-minded or + logical one call out, 'Castoria! all the w'y for a penny.' + </p> + <p> + We claim for our method of travelling, not that it is authoritative, but + that it is simple—suitable to persons whose desires are flexible and + whose plans are not fixed. It has its disadvantages, which may indeed be + said of almost anything. For instance, we had gone for two successive + mornings on a Cadbury's Cocoa 'bus to Francesca's dressmaker in + Kensington. On the third morning, deceived by the ambitious and + unscrupulous Cadbury, we mounted it and journeyed along comfortably three + miles to the east of Kensington before we discovered our mistake. It was a + pleasant and attractive neighbourhood where we found ourselves, but + unfortunately Francesca's dressmaker did not reside there. + </p> + <p> + If you have determined to take a certain train from a certain station, and + do not care for any other, no matter if it should turn out to be just as + interesting, then never take a Lipton's Tea 'bus, for it is the most + unreliable of all. If it did not sound so learned, and if I did not feel + that it must have been said before, it is so apt, I should quote Horace, + and say, 'Omnibus hoc vitium est.' There is no 'bus unseized by the + Napoleonic Lipton. Do not ascend one of them supposing for a moment that + by paying fourpence and going to the very end of the route you will come + to a neat tea station, where you will be served with the cheering cup. + Never; nor with a draught of Cadbury's cocoa or Nestle's milk, although + you have jostled along for nine weary miles in company with their blatant + recommendations to drink nothing else, and though you may have passed + other 'buses with the same highly-coloured names glaring at you until they + are burned into the grey matter of your brain, to remain there as long as + the copy-book maxims you penned when you were a child. + </p> + <p> + These pictorial methods doubtless prove a source of great financial gain; + of course it must be so, or they would never be prosecuted; but although + they may allure millions of customers, they will lose two in our modest + persons. When Salemina and I go into a cafe for tea we ask the young woman + if they serve Lipton's, and if they say yes, we take coffee. This is + self-punishment indeed (in London!), yet we feel that it may have a moral + effect; perhaps not commensurate with the physical effect of the coffee + upon us, but these delicate matters can never be adjusted with absolute + exactitude. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes when we are to travel on a Pears' Soap 'bus we buy beforehand a + bit of pure white Castile, cut from a shrinking, reserved, exclusive bar + with no name upon it, and present it to some poor woman when we arrive at + our journey's end. We do not suppose that so insignificant a protest does + much good, but at least it preserves one's individuality and self-respect. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter IX. A Table of Kindred and Affinity. + </h2> + <p> + On one of our excursions Hilda Mellifica accompanied us, and we alighted + to see the place where the Smithfield martyrs were executed, and to visit + some of the very old churches in that vicinity. We found hanging in the + vestibule of one of them something quite familiar to Hilda, but very + strange to our American eyes: 'A Table of Kindred and Affinity, wherein + whosoever are related are forbidden in Scripture and our Laws to Marry + Together.' + </p> + <p> + Salemina was very quiet that afternoon, and we accused her afterwards of + being depressed because she had discovered that, added to the battalions + of men in England who had not thus far urged her to marry them, there were + thirty persons whom she could not legally espouse even if they did ask + her! + </p> + <p> + I cannot explain it, but it really seemed in some way that our chances of + a 'sweet, safe corner of the household fire' had materially decreased when + we had read the table. + </p> + <p> + “It only goes to prove what Salemina remarked yesterday,” I said: “that we + can go on doing a thing quite properly until we have seen the rule for it + printed in black and white. The moment we read the formula we fail to see + how we could ever have followed it; we are confused by its complexities, + and we do not feel the slightest confidence in our ability to do + consciously the thing we have done all our lives unconsciously.” + </p> + <p> + “Like the centipede,” quoted Salemina:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'The centipede was happy quite + Until the toad, for fun, + Said, “Pray, which leg goes after which?” + Which wrought his mind to such a pitch, + He lay distracted in a ditch + Considering how to run!'” + </pre> + <p> + “The Table of Kindred and Affinity is all too familiar to me,” sighed + Hilda, “because we had a governess who made us learn it as a punishment. I + suppose I could recite it now, although I haven't looked at it for ten + years. We used to chant it in the nursery schoolroom on wet afternoons. I + well remember that the vicar called one day to see us, and the governess, + hearing our voices uplifted in a pious measure, drew him under the window + to listen. This is what he heard—you will see how admirably it goes! + And do not imagine it is wicked: it is merely the Law, not the Gospel, and + we framed our own musical settings, so that we had no associations with + the Prayer Book.” + </p> + <p> + Here Hilda chanted softly, there being no one in the old churchyard:— + </p> + <p> + “A woman may not marry with her Grandfather. Grandmother's Husband, + Husband's Grandfather.. Father's Brother. Mother's Brother. Father's + Sister's Husband.. Mother's Sister's Husband. Husband's Father's Brother. + Husband's Mother's Brother.. Father. Step-Father. Husband's Father.. Son. + Husband's Son. Daughter's Husband.. Brother. Husband's Brother. Sister's + Husband.. Son's Son. Daughter's Son. Son's Daughter's Husband.. Daughter's + Daughter's Husband. Husband's Son's Son. Husband's Daughter's Son .. + Brother's Son. Sister's Son. Brother's Daughter's Husband.. Sister's + Daughter's Husband. Husband's Brother's Son. Husband's Sister's Son.” + </p> + <p> + “It seems as if there were nobody left,” I said disconsolately, “save + perhaps your Second Cousin's Uncle, or your Enemy's Dearest Friend.” + </p> + <p> + “That's just the effect it has on one,” answered Hilda. “We always used to + conclude our chant with the advice:— + </p> + <p> + “And if there is anybody, after this, in the universe. left to. marry.. + marry him as expeditiously. as you. possibly. can.. Because there are very + few husbands omitted from this table of. Kindred and. Affinity.. And it + behoveth a maiden to snap them up without any delay. willing or unwilling. + whenever and. wherever found.” + </p> + <p> + “We were also required to learn by heart the form of Prayer with + Thanksgiving to be used Yearly upon the Fifth Day of November for the + happy deliverance of King James I. and the Three Estates of England from + the most traitorous and bloody-intended Massacre by Gunpowder; also the + prayers for Charles the Martyr and the Thanksgiving for having put an end + to the Great Rebellion by the Restitution of the King and Royal Family + after many Years' interruption which unspeakable Mercies were wonderfully + completed upon the 29th of May in the year 1660!” + </p> + <p> + “1660! We had been forty years in America then,” soliloquised Francesca; + “and isn't it odd that the long thanksgivings in our country must all have + been for having successfully run away from the Gunpowder Treason, King + Charles the Martyr, and the Restituted Royal Family; yet here we are, you + and I, the best of friends, talking it all over.” + </p> + <p> + As we jog along, or walk, by turns, we come to Buckingham Street, and + looking up at Alfred Jingle's lodgings say a grateful word of Mr. + Pickwick. We tell each other that much of what we know of London and + England seems to have been learned from Dickens. + </p> + <p> + Deny him the right to sit among the elect, if you will; talk of his + tendency to farce and caricature; call his humour low comedy, and his + pathos bathos—although you shall say none of these things in my + presence unchallenged; the fact remains that every child, in America at + least, knows more of England—its almshouses, debtors' prisons, and + law-courts, its villages and villagers, its beadles and cheap-jacks and + hostlers and coachmen and boots, its streets and lanes, its lodgings and + inns and landladies and roastbeef and plum-pudding, its ways, manners, and + customs,—knows more of these things and a thousand others from + Dickens's novels than from all the histories, geographies, biographies, + and essays in the language. Where is there another novelist who has so + peopled a great city with his imaginary characters that there is hardly + room for the living population, as one walks along the ways? + </p> + <p> + O these streets of London! There are other more splendid shades in them,—shades + that have been there for centuries, and will walk beside us so long as the + streets exist. One can never see these shades, save as one goes on foot, + or takes that chariot of the humble, the omnibus. I should like to make a + map of literary London somewhat after Leigh Hunt's plan, as projected in + his essay on the World of Books; for to the book-lover 'the poet's hand is + always on the place, blessing it.' One can no more separate the + association from the particular spot than one can take away from it any + other beauty. + </p> + <p> + 'Fleet Street is always Johnson's Fleet Street' (so Leigh Hunt says); 'the + Tower belongs to Julius Caesar, and Blackfriars to Suckling, Vandyke, and + the Dunciad...I can no more pass through Westminster without thinking of + Milton, or the Borough without thinking of Chaucer and Shakespeare, or + Gray's Inn without calling Bacon to mind, or Bloomsbury Square without + Steele and Akenside, than I can prefer brick and mortar to wit and poetry, + or not see a beauty upon it beyond architecture in the splendour of the + recollection.' + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter X. Apropos of advertisements. + </h2> + <p> + Francesca wishes to get some old hall-marked silver for her home tea-tray, + and she is absorbed at present in answering advertisements of people who + have second-hand pieces for sale, and who offer to bring them on approval. + The other day, when Willie Beresford and I came in from Westminster Abbey + (where we had been choosing the best locations for our memorial tablets), + we thought Francesca must be giving a 'small and early'; but it transpired + that all the silver-sellers had called at the same hour, and it took the + united strength of Dawson and Mr. Beresford, together with my diplomacy, + to rescue the poor child from their clutches. She came out alive, but her + safety was purchased at the cost of a George IV. cream-jug, an Elizabethan + sugar-bowl, and a Boadicea tea-caddy, which were, I doubt not, + manufactured in Wardour Street towards the close of the nineteenth + century. + </p> + <p> + Salemina came in just then, cold and tired. (Tower and National Gallery + the same day. It's so much more work to go to the Tower nowadays than it + used to be!) We had intended to take a sail to Richmond on a penny + steamboat, but it was drizzling, so we had a cosy fire instead, slipped + into our tea-gowns, and ordered tea and thin bread-and-butter, a basket of + strawberries with their frills on, and a jug of Devonshire cream. Willie + Beresford asked if he might stay; otherwise, he said, he should have to + sit at a cold marble table on the corner of Bond Street and Piccadilly, + and take his tea in bachelor solitude. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” I said severely, “we will allow you to stay; though, as you are + coming to dinner, I should think you would have to go away some time, if + only in order that you might get ready to come back. You've been here + since breakfast-time.” + </p> + <p> + “I know,” he answered calmly, “and my only error in judgment was that I + didn't take an earlier breakfast, in order to begin my day here sooner. + One has to snatch a moment when he can, nowadays; for these rooms are so + infested with British swells that a base-born American stands very little + chance!” + </p> + <p> + Now I should like to know if Willie Beresford is in love with Francesca. + What shall I do—that is what shall we do—if he is, when she is + in love with somebody else? To be sure, she may want one lover for foreign + and another for domestic service. He is too old for her, but that is + always the way. When Alcides, having gone through all the fatigues of + life, took a bride in Olympus, he ought to have selected Minerva, but he + chose Hebe. + </p> + <p> + I wonder why so many people call him 'Willie' Beresford, at his age. + Perhaps it is because his mother sets the example; but from her lips it + does not seem amiss. I suppose when she looks at him she recalls the past, + and is ever seeing the little child in the strong man, mother fashion. It + is very beautiful, that feeling; and when a girl surprises it in any + mother's eyes it makes her heart beat faster, as in the presence of + something sacred, which she can understand only because she is a woman, + and experience is foreshadowed in intuition. + </p> + <p> + The Honourable Arthur had sent us a dozen London dailies and weeklies, and + we fell into an idle discussion of their contents over the teacups. I had + found an 'exchange column' which was as interesting as it was novel, and I + told Francesca it seemed to me that if we managed wisely we could rid + ourselves of all our useless belongings, and gradually amass a collection + of the English articles we most desired. “Here is an opportunity, for + instance,” I said, and I read aloud—“'S.G., of Kensington, will post + 'Woman' three days old regularly for a box of cut flowers.'” + </p> + <p> + “Rather young,” said Mr. Beresford, “or I'd answer that advertisement + myself.” + </p> + <p> + I wanted to tell him I didn't suppose that he could find anything too + young for his taste, but I didn't dare. + </p> + <p> + “Salemina adores cats,” I went on. “How is this, Sally, dear?— 'A + handsome orange male Persian cat, also a tabby, immense coat, brushes and + frills, is offered in exchange for an electro-plated revolving covered + dish or an Allen's Vapour Bath.'” + </p> + <p> + “I should like the cat, but alas! I have no covered dish,” sighed + Salemina. + </p> + <p> + “Buy one,” suggested Mr. Beresford. “Even then you'd be getting a bargain. + Do you understand that you receive the male orange cat for the dish, and + the frilled tabby for the bath, or do you get both in exchange for either + of these articles? Read on, Miss Hamilton.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well, here is one for Francesca—“'A harmonium with seven stops is + offered in exchange for a really good Plymouth cockerel hatched in May.'” + </p> + <p> + “I should want to know when the harmonium was hatched,” said Francesca + prudently. “Now you cannot usurp the platform entirely, my dear Pen. + Listen to an English marriage notice from the Times. It chances to be the + longest one to-day, but there were others just as remarkable in + yesterday's issue. + </p> + <p> + “'On the 17th instant, at Emmanuel Church (Countess of Padelford's + connection), Weston-super-Mare, by the Rev. Canon Vernon, B.D., Rector of + St. Edmund the King and Martyr, Suffolk Street, uncle of bride, assisted + by the Rev. Otho Pelham, M.A., Vicar of All Saints, Upper Norwood, Dr. + Philosophial Konrad Rasch, of Koetzsenbroda, Saxony, to Evelyn Whitaker + Rake, widow of the late Richard Balaclava Rake, Barrister-at-law of the + Inner Temple and Bombay, and third surviving daughter of George Frederic + Goldspink, C.B., of Sydenham House, Craig Hill, Commissioner of Her + Majesty's Customs, and formerly of the War Office.'” + </p> + <p> + By the time this was finished we were all quite exhausted, but we revived + like magic when Salemina read us her contribution:— + </p> + <p> + “'A NAME ENSHRINED IN LITERATURE AND RENOWNED IN COMMERCE,—Miss + Willard, Waddington, Essex. Deal with her whenever you possibly can. When + you want to purchase, ask her for anything under the canopy of heaven, + from jewels, bijouterie, and curios to rare books and high-class articles + of utility. When you want to sell, consign only to her, from choice gems + to mundane objects. All transactions embodying the germs of small profits + are welcome. As a sample of her stock please note: A superlatively + exquisite, essentially beautiful, and important lace flounce for sale, at + a reasonable price. Also a bargain of peerlessly choice character.—Six + grandly glittering paste cluster buttons, of important size, emitting + dazzling rays of incomparable splendour and lustre. Don't readily forget + this or her name and address,—Clara (Miss) Willard (the Lady + Trader), Waddington, Essex. Immaculate promptitude and scrupulous + liberality observed: therefore, on these credentials, ye must deal with + her; it is the duty of intellect to be reciprocal.'” + </p> + <p> + Just here Dawson entered, evidently to lay the dinner-cloth, but, seeing + that we had a visitor, he took the tea-tray and retired discreetly. + </p> + <p> + “It is five-and-thirty minutes past six, Mr. Beresford,” I said. “Do you + think you can get to the Metropole and array yourself and return in less + than an hour? Because, even if you can, remember that we ladies have + elaborate toilets in prospect,—toilets intended for the complete + prostration of the British gentry. Francesca has a yellow gown which will + drive Bertie Godolphin to madness. Salemina has laid out a soft, dovelike + grey and steel combination, directed towards the Church of England; for + you may not know that Sally has a vicar in her train, Mr. Beresford, and + he will probably speak to-night. As for me-” + </p> + <p> + Before these shocking personalities were finished Salemina and Francesca + had fled to their rooms, and Mr. Beresford took up my broken sentence and + said, “As for you, Miss Hamilton, whatever gown you wear, you are sure to + make one man speak, if you care about it; but, I suppose, you would not + listen to him unless he were English”; and with that shot he departed. + </p> + <p> + I really think I shall have to give up the Francesca hypothesis, and, + alas! I am not quite ready to adopt any other. + </p> + <p> + We discussed international marriages while we were at our toilets, + Salemina and I prinking by the light of one small candle-end, while + Francesca, as the youngest and prettiest, illuminated her charms with the + six sitting-room candles and three filched from the little table in the + hall. + </p> + <p> + I gave it as my humble opinion that for an American woman an English + husband was at least an experiment; Salemina declared that for that matter + a husband of any nationality was an experiment. Francesca ended the + conversation flippantly by saying that in her judgment no husband at all + was a much more hazardous experiment. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XI. The ball on the opposite side. + </h2> + <p> + We are all three rather tired this morning,—Salemina, Francesca, and + I,—for we went to one of the smartest balls of the London season + last night, and were robbed of half our customary allowance of sleep in + consequence. + </p> + <p> + It may be difficult for you to understand our weariness, when I confess + that the ball was not quite of the usual sort; that we did not dance at + all; and, what is worse, that we were not asked, either to tread a + measure, or sit out a polka, or take 'one last turn.' + </p> + <p> + To begin at the beginning, there is a large vacant house directly opposite + Smith's Private Hotel, and there has been hanging from its balcony, until + very lately, a sign bearing the following notice:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THESE COMMANDING PREMISES + WITH A SUPERFICIAL AREA OF + 10,000 FT. AND 50 FT. + FRONTAGE TO DOVERMARLE ST. + WILL BE SOLD BY AUCTION + ON TUESDAY, JUNE 28TH, BY + MESSRS. SKIDDY, YADDLETHORPE AND SKIDDY + LAND AGENTS AND SURVEYORS + 27 HASTINGS PLACE, PALL MALL. +</pre> + <p> + A few days ago, just as we were finishing a late breakfast, an elderly + gentleman drove up in a private hansom, and alighted at this vacant house + on the opposite side. Behind him, in a cab, came two men, who unlocked the + front door, went in, came out on the balcony, cut the wires supporting the + sign, took it down, opened all the inside shutters, and disappeared + through some rear entrance. The elderly gentleman went upstairs for a + moment, came down again, and drove away. + </p> + <p> + “The house has been sold, I suppose,” said Salemina; “and for my part I + envy the new owner his bargain. He is close to Piccadilly, has that bit of + side lawn with the superb oak-tree, and the duke's beautiful gardens so + near that they will seem virtually his own when he looks from his upper + windows.” + </p> + <p> + At tea-time the same elderly gentleman drove up in a victoria, with a very + pretty young lady. + </p> + <p> + “The plot thickens,” said Francesca, who was nearest the window. “Do you + suppose she is his bride-elect, and is he showing her their future home, + or is she already his wife? If so, I fear me she married him for his title + and estates, for he is more than a shade too old for her.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't be censorious, child,” I remonstrated, taking my cup idly across + the room, to be nearer the scene of action. “Oh, dear! there is a slight + discrepancy, I confess, but I can explain it. This is how it happened: The + girl had never really loved, and did not know what the feeling was. She + did know that the aged suitor was a good and worthy man, and her mother + and nine small brothers and sisters (very much out at the toes) urged the + marriage. The father, too, had speculated heavily in consorts or consuls, + or whatever-you-call-'ems, and besought his child not to expose his + defalcations and losses. She, dutiful girl, did as she was bid, especially + as her youngest sister came to her in tears and said, 'Unless you consent + we shall have to sell the cow!' So she went to the altar with a heart full + of palpitating respect, but no love to speak of; that always comes in time + to heroines who sacrifice themselves and spare the cows.” + </p> + <p> + “It sounds strangely familiar,” remarked Mr. Beresford, who was with us, + as usual. “Didn't a fellow turn up in the next chapter, a young nephew of + the old husband, who fell in love with the bride, unconsciously and + against his will? Wasn't she obliged to take him into the conservatory, at + the end of a week, and say, 'G-go! I beseech you! for b-both our sakes!'? + Didn't the noble fellow wring her hand silently, and leave her looking + like a broken lily on the-” + </p> + <p> + “How can you be so cynical, Mr. Beresford? It isn't like you!” exclaimed + Salemina. “For my part, I don't think the girl is either his bride or his + fiancee. Probably the mother of the family is dead, and the father is + bringing his eldest daughter to look at the house: that's my idea of it.” + </p> + <p> + This theory being just as plausible as ours, we did not discuss it, hoping + that something would happen to decide the matter in one way or another. + </p> + <p> + “She is not married, I am sure,” went on Salemina, leaning over the back + of my chair. “You notice that she hasn't given a glance at the kitchen or + the range, although they are the most important features of the house. I + think she may have just put her head inside the dining-room door, but she + certainly didn't give a moment to the butler's pantry or the china closet. + You will find that she won't mount to the fifth floor to see how the + servants are housed,—not she, careless, pretty creature; she will go + straight to the drawing-room.” + </p> + <p> + And so she did; and at the same instant a still younger and prettier + creature drove up in a hansom, and was out of it almost before the + admiring cabby could stop his horse or reach down for his fare. She flew + up the stairway and danced into the drawing-room like a young whirlwind; + flung open doors, pulled up blinds with a jerk, letting in the sunlight + everywhere, and tiptoed to and fro over the dusty floors, holding up her + muslin flounces daintily. + </p> + <p> + “This must be the daughter of his first marriage,” I remarked. + </p> + <p> + “Who will not get on with the young stepmother,” finished Mr. Beresford. + </p> + <p> + “It is his youngest daughter,” corrected Salemina,—“the youngest + daughter of his only wife, and the image of her deceased mother, who was, + in her time, the belle of Dublin.” + </p> + <p> + She might well have been that, we all agreed; for this young beauty was + quite the Irish type, such black hair, grey-blue eyes, and wonderful + lashes, and such a merry, arch, winsome face, that one loved her on the + instant. + </p> + <p> + She was delighted with the place, and we did not wonder, for the sunshine, + streaming in at the back and side windows, showed us rooms of noble + proportions opening into one another. She admired the balcony, although we + thought it too public to be of any use save for flowering plants; she was + pleased with a huge French mirror over the marble mantle; she liked the + chandeliers, which were in the worst possible taste; all this we could + tell by her expressive gestures; and she finally seized the old gentleman + by the lapels of his coat and danced him breathlessly from the fireplace + to the windows and back again, while the elder girl clapped her hands and + laughed. + </p> + <p> + “Isn't she lovely?” sighed Francesca, a little covetously, although she is + something of a beauty herself. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry that her name is Bridget,” said Mr. Beresford. + </p> + <p> + “For shame!” I cried indignantly. “It is Norah, or Veronica, or Geraldine, + or Patricia; yes, it is Patricia,—I know it as well as if I had been + at the christening.—Dawson, take the tea-things, please; and do you + know the name of the gentleman who has bought the house on the opposite + side?” + </p> + <p> + “It is Lord Brighton, miss.” (You would never believe it, but we find the + name is spelled Brighthelmston.) “He hasn't bought the 'ouse; he has taken + it for a week, and is giving a ball there on the Tuesday evening. He has + four daughters, miss, and two h'orphan nieces that generally spends the + season with 'im. It's the youngest daughter he is bringing out, that + lively one you saw cutting about just now. They 'ave no ballroom, I + expect, in their town 'ouse, which accounts for their renting one for this + occasion. They stopped a month in this 'otel last year, so I have the + honour of m'luds acquaintance.” + </p> + <p> + “Lady Brighthelmston is not living, I should judge,” remarked Salemina, in + the tone of one who thinks it hardly worth while to ask. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes, miss, she's alive and 'earty; but the daughters manages + everythink, and what they down't manage the h'orphan nieces does. The + 'ouse is run for the young ladies, but m'ludanlady seems to enjoy it.” + </p> + <p> + Dovermarle Street was so interesting during the next few days that we + could scarcely bear to leave it, lest something exciting should happen in + our absence. + </p> + <p> + “A ball is so confining!” said Francesca, who had come back from the + corner of Piccadilly to watch the unloading of a huge van, and found that + it had no intention of stopping at Number Nine on the opposite side. + </p> + <p> + First came a small army of charwomen, who scrubbed the house from top to + bottom. Then came men with canvas for floors, bronzes and jardinieres and + somebody's family portraits from an auction-room, chairs and sofas and + draperies from an upholsterer's. + </p> + <p> + The night before the event itself I announced my intention of staying in + our own drawing-room the whole of the next day. “I am more interested in + Patricia's debut,” I said, “than anything else that can possibly happen in + London. What if it should be wet, and won't it be annoying if it is a cold + night and they draw the heavy curtains close together?” + </p> + <p> + But it was beautiful day, almost too warm for a ball, and the heavy + curtains were not drawn. The family did not court observation; it was + serenely unconscious of such a thing. As to our side of the street, I + think we may have been the only people at all interested in the affair now + so imminent. The others had something more sensible to do, I fancy, than + patching up romances about their neighbours. + </p> + <p> + At noon the florists decorated the entrance with palms, covered the + balcony with a gay awning, and hung the railing with brilliant masses of + scarlet and yellow flowers. At two the caterers sent silver, tables, + linen, and dishes, and a Broadwood grand piano was installed; but at + half-past seven, when we sat down to dinner, we were a trifle anxious, + because so many things seemed yet to do before the party could be a + complete success. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Beresford and his mother were dining with us, and we had sent + invitations to our London friends, the Hon. Arthur Ponsonby and Bertie + Godolphin, to come later in the evening. These read as follows:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Private View + The pleasure of your company is requested + at the coming-out party of + The Hon. Patricia Brighthelmston + July —- 189- + On the opposite side of the street. + Dancing about 10-30. 9 Dovermarle Street. +</pre> + <p> + At eight o'clock, as we were finishing our fish course, which chanced to + be fried sole, the ball began literally to roll, and it required the + greatest ingenuity on Francesca's part and mine to be always down in our + seats when Dawson entered with the dishes, and always at the window when + he was absent. + </p> + <p> + An enormous van had appeared, with half a dozen men walking behind it. In + a trice, two of them had stretched a wire trellis across one wall of the + drawing-room, and two more were trailing roses from floor to ceiling. + Others tied the dark wood of the stair railing with tall Madonna lilies; + then they hung garlands of flowers from corner to corner and, alas! could + not refrain from framing the mirror in smilax, nor from hanging the + chandeliers with that same ugly, funereal, and artificial-looking vine,—this + idea being the principal stock-in-trade of every florist in the universe. + </p> + <p> + We could not catch even a glimpse of the supper-rooms, but we saw a man in + the fourth story front room filling dozens of little glass vases, each + with its single malmaison, rose, or camellia, and despatching them by an + assistant to another part of the house; so we could imagine from this the + scheme of decoration at the tables.—No, not new, perhaps, but simple + and effective. + </p> + <p> + By the time we had finished our entree, which happened to be lamb cutlets + and green peas, and had begun our roast, which was chicken and ham, I + remember, they had put wreaths at all the windows, hung Japanese lanterns + on the balcony and in the oak-tree, and transformed the house into a + blossoming bower. + </p> + <p> + At this exciting juncture Dawson entered unexpectedly with our sweet, and + for the first and only time caught us literally 'red-handed.' Let British + subjects be interested in their neighbours, if they will (and when they + refrain I am convinced that it is as much indifference as good breeding), + but let us never bring our country into disrepute with an English butler! + As there was not a single person at the table when Dawson came in, we were + obliged to say that we had finished dinner, thank you, and would take + coffee; no sweet to-night, thank you. + </p> + <p> + Willie Beresford was the only one who minded, but he rather likes cherry + tart. It simply chanced to be cherry tart, for our cook at Smith's Private + Hotel is a person of unbridled fancy and endless repertory. She sometimes, + for example, substitutes rhubarb for cherry tart quite out of her own + head; and when balked of both these dainties, and thrown absolutely on her + own boundless resources, will create a dish of stewed green gooseberries + and a companion piece of liquid custard. These unrelated concoctions, when + eaten at the same moment, as is her intention, always remind me of the + lying down together of the lion and the lamb, and the scheme is well-nigh + as dangerous, under any other circumstances than those of the digestive + millennium. I tremble to think what would ensue if all the rhubarb and + gooseberry bushes in England should be uprooted in a single night. I + believe that thousands of cooks, those not possessed of families or + Christian principles, would drown themselves in the Thames forthwith, but + that is neither here nor there, and the Honourable Arthur denies it. He + says, “Why commit suicide? Ain't there currants?” + </p> + <p> + I had forgotten to say that we ourselves were all en grande toilette, down + to satin slippers, feeling somehow that it was the only proper thing to + do; and when Dawson had cleared the table and ushered in the other + visitors, we ladies took our coffee and the men their cigarettes to the + three front windows, which were open as usual to our balcony. + </p> + <p> + We seated ourselves there quite casually, as is our custom, somewhat + hidden by the lace draperies and potted hydrangeas, and whatever we saw + was to be seen by any passer-by, save that we held the key to the whole + story, and had made it our own by right of conquest. + </p> + <p> + Just at this moment—it was quarter-past nine, although it was still + bright daylight—came a little procession of servants who disappeared + within the doors, and, as they donned caps and aprons, would now and then + reappear at the windows. Presently the supper arrived. We did not know the + number of invited guests (there are some things not even revealed to the + Wise Woman), but although we were a trifle nervous about the amount of + eatables, we were quite certain that there would be no dearth of liquid + refreshment. + </p> + <p> + Contemporaneously with the supper came a four-wheeler with a man and a + woman in it. + </p> + <p> + Sal. “I wonder if that is Lord and Lady Brighthelmston?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. B. “Nonsense, my dear; look at the woman's dress.” + </p> + <p> + W.B. “It is probably the butler, and I have a premonition that that is + good old Nurse with him. She has been with family ever since the birth of + the first daughter twenty-four years ago. Look at her cap ribbons; note + the fit of the stiff black silk over her comfortable shoulders; you can + almost hear her creak in it!” + </p> + <p> + B.G. “My eye! but she's one to keep the goody-pot open for the youngsters! + She'll be the belle of the ball so far as I'm concerned.” + </p> + <p> + Fran. “It's impossible to tell whether it's the butler or paterfamilias. + Yes, it's the butler, for he has taken off his coat and is looking at the + flowers with the florist's assistant.” + </p> + <p> + B.G. “And the florist's assistant is getting slated like one o'clock! The + butler doesn't like the rum design over the piano; no more do I. Whatever + is the matter with them now?” + </p> + <p> + They were standing with their faces towards us, gesticulating wildly about + something on the front wall of the drawing-room; a place quite hidden from + our view. They could not decide the matter, although the butler intimated + that it would quite ruin the ball, while the assistant mopped his brow and + threw all the blame on somebody else. Nurse came in, and hated whatever it + was the moment her eye fell on it. She couldn't think how anybody could + abide it, and was of the opinion that his ludship would have it down as + soon as he arrived. + </p> + <p> + Our attention was now distracted by the fact that his ludship did arrive. + It was ten o'clock, but barely dark enough yet to make the lanterns + effective, although they had just been lighted. + </p> + <p> + There were two private carriages and two four-wheelers, from which + paterfamilias and one other gentleman alighted, followed by a small + feminine delegation. + </p> + <p> + “One young chap to brace up the gov'nor,” said Bertie Godolphin. “Then the + eldest daughter is engaged to be married; that's right; only three + daughters and two h'orphan nieces to work off now!” + </p> + <p> + As the girls scampered in, hidden by their long cloaks, we could not even + discover the two we already knew. While they were divesting themselves of + their wraps in an upper chamber, Nurse hovering over them with maternal + solicitude, we were anxiously awaiting their criticisms of our + preparations. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XII. Patricia makes her debut. + </h2> + <p> + For three days we had been overseeing the details. Would they approve the + result? Would they think the grand piano in the proper corner? Were the + garlands hung too low? Was the balcony scheme effective? Was our menu for + the supper satisfactory? Were there too many lanterns? Lord and Lady + Brighthelmston had superintended so little, and we so much, that we felt + personally responsible. + </p> + <p> + Now came musicians with their instruments. The butler sent four melancholy + Spanish students to the balcony, where they began to tune mandolins and + guitars, while an Hungarian band took up its position, we conjectured, on + some extension or balcony in the rear, the existence of which we had not + guessed until we heard the music later. Then the butler turned on the + electric light, and the family came into the drawing-rooms. + </p> + <p> + They did admire them as much as we could wish, and we, on our part, + thoroughly approved of the family. We had feared it might prove dull, + plain, dowdy, though wellborn, with only dear Patricia to enliven it; but + it was well-dressed, merry, and had not a thought of glancing at the + windows or pulling down the blinds, bless its simple heart! + </p> + <p> + The mother entered first, wearing a grey satin gown and a diamond crown + that quite established her position in the great world. Then girls, and + more girls: a rose-pink girl, a pale green, a lavender, a yellow, and our + Patricia, in a cloud of white with a sparkle of silver, and a diamond + arrow in her lustrous hair. + </p> + <p> + What an English nosegay they made, to be sure, as they stood in the back + of the room while paterfamilias approached, and calling each in turn, gave + her a lovely bouquet from a huge basket held by the butler. + </p> + <p> + Everybody's flowers matched everybody's frock to perfection; those of the + h'orphan nieces were just as beautiful as those of the daughters, and it + is no wonder that the English nosegay descended upon paterfamilias, bore + him into the passage, and if they did not kiss him soundly, why did he + come back all rosy and crumpled, smoothing his dishevelled hair, and + smiling at Lady Brighthelmston? We speedily named the girls Rose, + Mignonette, Violet, and Celandine, each after the colour of her frock. + </p> + <p> + “But there are only five, and there ought to be six,” whispered Salemina, + as if she expected to be heard across the street. + </p> + <p> + “One—two—three—four—five, you are right,” said Mr. + Beresford. “The plainest of the lot must be staying in Wales with a maiden + aunt who has a lot of money to leave. The old lady isn't so ill that they + can't give the ball, but just ill enough so that she may make her will + wrong if left alone; poor girl, to be plain, and then to miss such a ball + as this,—hello! the first guest! He is on time to be sure; I hate to + be first, don't you?” + </p> + <p> + The first guest was a strikingly handsome fellow, irreproachably dressed + and unmistakably nervous. + </p> + <p> + “He is afraid he is too early!” + </p> + <p> + “He is afraid that if he waits he'll be too late!” + </p> + <p> + “He doesn't want the driver to stop directly in front of the door.” + </p> + <p> + “He has something beside him on the seat of the hansom.” + </p> + <p> + “The tissue paper has blown off: it is flowers.” + </p> + <p> + “It is a piece! Jove, this IS a rum ball!” + </p> + <p> + “What IS the thing? No wonder he doesn't drive up to the door and go in + with it!” + </p> + <p> + “It is a HARP, as sure as I am alive!” + </p> + <p> + Then electrically from Francesca, “It is Patricia's Irish lover! I forget + his name.” + </p> + <p> + “Rory!” + </p> + <p> + “Shamus!” + </p> + <p> + “Michael!” + </p> + <p> + “Patrick!” + </p> + <p> + “Terence!” + </p> + <p> + “Hush!” she exclaimed at this chorus of Hibernian Christian names, “it is + Patricia's undeclared impecunious lover. He is afraid that she won't know + his gift is a harp, and afraid that the other girls will. He feared to + send it, lest one of the sisters or h'orphan nieces should get it; it is + frightful to love one of six, and the cards are always slipping off, and + the wrong girl is always receiving your love-token or your offer of + marriage.” + </p> + <p> + “And if it is an offer, and the wrong woman gets it, she always accepts, + somehow,” said Mr. Beresford; “It's only the right one who declines!” and + here he certainly looked at me pointedly. + </p> + <p> + “He hoped to arrive before any one else,” Francesca went on, “and put the + harp in a nice place, and lead Patricia up to it, and make her wonder who + sent it. Now poor dear (yes, his name is sure to be Terence), he is too + late, and I am sure he will leave it in the hansom, he will be so + embarrassed.” + </p> + <p> + And so he did, but alas! the driver came back with it in an instant, the + butler ran down the long path of crimson carpet that covered the sidewalk, + the first footman assisted, the second footman pursued Terence and caught + him on the staircase, and he descended reluctantly, only to receive the + harp in his arms and send a tip to the cabman, whom of course he was + cursing in his heart. + </p> + <p> + “I can't think why he should give her a harp,” mused Bertie Godolphin. + “Such a rum thing, a harp, isn't it? It's too heavy for her to 'tote,' as + you say in the States.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, we always say 'tote,' particularly in the North,” I replied; “but + perhaps it is Patricia's favourite instrument. Perhaps Terence first saw + her at the harp, and loved her from the moment he heard her sing the + 'Minstrel Boy' and the 'Meeting of the Waters.'” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps he merely brought it as a sort of symbol,” suggested Mr. + Beresford; “a kind of flowery metaphor signifying that all Ireland, in his + person, is at her disposal, only waiting to be played upon.” + </p> + <p> + “If that is what he means, he must be a jolly muff,” remarked the + Honourable Arthur. “I should think he'd have to send a guidebook with the + bloomin' thing.” + </p> + <p> + We never knew how Terence arranged about the incubus; we only saw that he + did not enter the drawing room with it in his arms. He was well received, + although there was no special enthusiasm over his arrival; but the first + guest is always at a disadvantage. + </p> + <p> + He greeted the young ladies as if he were in the habit of meeting them + often, but when he came to Patricia, well, he greeted her as if he could + never meet her often enough; there was a distinct difference, and even + Mrs. Beresford, who had been incredulous, succumbed to our view of the + case. + </p> + <p> + Patricia took him over to the piano to see the arrangement of some lilies. + He said they were delicious, but looked at her. + </p> + <p> + She asked him if he did not think the garlands lovely. + </p> + <p> + He said, “Perfectly charming,” but never lifted his eyes higher than her + face. + </p> + <p> + “Do you like my dress?” her glance seemed to ask. + </p> + <p> + “Wonderful!” his seemed to reply, as he stealthily put out his hand and + touched a soft fold of its white fluffiness. + </p> + <p> + I could hear him think, as she leaned into the curve of the Broadwood and + bent over the flowers— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Have you seen but a bright lily grow + Before rude hands have touched it? + Have you marked but the fall of the snow + Before the soil hath smutched it? + Have you felt the wool of beaver? + Or swan's down ever? + Or have smelt o' the bud o' the brier? + Or the nard i' the fire? + Or have tasted the bag of the bee? + Oh, so white! oh, so soft! oh, so sweet is she!' +</pre> + <p> + A footman entered, bearing the harp, which he placed on a table in the + corner. He disclaimed all knowledge of it, having probably been well paid + to do so, and the unoccupied girls gathered about it like bees about a + honeysuckle, while Patricia and Terence stayed by the piano. + </p> + <p> + “To think it may never be a match!” sighed Francesca, “and they are such + an ideal pair! But it is easy to see that the mother will oppose it, and + although Patricia is her father's darling, he cannot allow her to marry a + handsome young pauper like Terence.” + </p> + <p> + “Cheer up!” said Bertie Godolphin reassuringly. “Perhaps some unrelenting + beggar of an uncle will die of old age next and leave him the title and + estates.” + </p> + <p> + “I hope she will accept him to-night, if she loves him, estates or no + estates,” said Salemina, who, like many ladies who have elected to remain + single, is distinctly sentimental, and has not an ounce of worldly wisdom. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I think a fellow deserves some reward,” remarked Mr. Beresford, + “when he has the courage to drive up in a hansom bearing a green harp with + yellow strings in his arms. It shows that his passion has quite eclipsed + his sense of humour. By the way, I am not sure but I should choose Rose, + after all; there's something very attractive about Rose.” + </p> + <p> + “It is the fact that she is promised to another,” laughed Francesca + somewhat pertly. + </p> + <p> + “She would make an admirable wife,” Mrs. Beresford interjected—absent-mindedly; + “and so of course Terence will not choose her, and similarly neither would + you, if you had the chance.” + </p> + <p> + At this Mrs. Beresford's son glances up at me with twinkling eyes, and I + can hardly forbear smiling, so unconscious is she that his choice is + already made. However, he replies: “Who ever loved a woman for her solid + virtues, mother? Who ever fell a victim to punctuality, patience, or + frugality? It is other and different qualities which colour the + personality and ensnare the heart; though the stodgy and reliable traits + hold it, I dare say, when once captured. Don't you know Berkeley says, 'D—n + it, madam, who falls in love with attributes?'” + </p> + <p> + Meantime Violet and Celandine have come out on the balcony, and seeing the + tinkling musicians there, have straightway banished them to another part + of the house. + </p> + <p> + “A good thing, too!” murmured Bertie Godolphin, “making a beastly row in + that 'nailing' little corner, collecting a crowd sooner or later, don't + you know, and putting a dead stop to the jolly little flirtations.” + </p> + <p> + The Honourable Arthur glanced critically at Celandine. “I should make up + to her,” he said thoughtfully. “She's the best groomed one of the whole + stud, though why you call her Celandine I can't think.” + </p> + <p> + “It's a flower, and her dress is yellow, can't you see, man? You've got no + sense of colour,” said the candid Bertie. “I believe you'd just as soon be + a green parrot with a red head as not.” + </p> + <p> + And now the guests began to arrive; so many of them and so near together + that we hardly had time to label them as they said good evening, and told + dear Lady Brighthelmston how pretty the decorations were, and how + prevalent the influenza had been, and how very sultry the weather, and how + clever it was of her to give her party in a vacant house, and what a + delightful marriage Rose was making, and how well dear Patricia looked. + </p> + <p> + The sound of the music drifted into the usually quiet street, and by + half-past eleven the ball was in full splendour. Lady Brighthelmston stood + alone now, greeting all the late arrivals; and we could catch a glimpse + now and then of Violet dancing with a beautiful being in a white uniform, + and of Rose followed about by her accepted lover, both of them content + with their lot, but with feet quite on the solid earth. + </p> + <p> + Celandine was a bit of a flirt, no doubt. She had many partners, walked in + the garden with them impartially, divided her dances, sat on the stairs. + Wherever her yellow draperies moved, nonsense, merriment, and chatter + followed in her wake. + </p> + <p> + Patricia danced often with Terence. We could see the dark head, darker and + a bit taller than the others, move through the throng, the diamond arrow + gleaming in its lustrous coils. She danced like a flower blown by the + wind. Nothing could have been more graceful, more stately. The bend of her + slender body at the waist, the pose of her head, the line of her shoulder, + the suggestion of dimple in her elbow—all were so many separate + allurements to the kindling eye of love. + </p> + <p> + Terence certainly added little to the general brilliancy and gaiety of the + occasion, for he stood in a corner and looked at Patricia whenever he was + not dancing with her, 'all eye when one was present, all memory when one + was gone.' + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XIII. A Penelope secret. + </h2> + <p> + Shortly after midnight our own little company broke up, loath to leave the + charming spectacle. The guests departed with the greatest reluctance, + having given Dawson a half-sovereign for waiting up to lock the door. Mrs. + Beresford said that it seemed unendurable to leave matters in such an + unfinished condition, and her son promised to come very early next morning + for the latest bulletins. + </p> + <p> + “I leave all the romances in your hands,” he whispered to me; “do let them + turn out happily, do!” + </p> + <p> + Salemina also retired to her virtuous couch, remembering that she was to + visit infant schools with a great educational dignitary on the morrow. + </p> + <p> + Francesca and I turned the gas entirely out, although we had been sitting + all the evening in a kind of twilight, and slipping on our dressing-gowns + sat again at the window for a farewell peep into the past, present, and + future of the 'Brighthelmston set.' + </p> + <p> + At midnight the dowager duchess arrived. She must at least have been a + dowager duchess, and if there is anything greater, within the bounds of a + reasonable imagination, she was that. Long streamers of black tulle + floated from a diamond soup-tureen which surmounted her hair. Narrow + puffings of white traversed her black velvet gown in all directions, + making her look somewhat like a railway map, and a diamond fan-chain + defined, or attempted to define, what was in its nature neither definable + nor confinable, to wit, her waist, or what had been, in early youth, her + waist. + </p> + <p> + The entire company was stirred by the arrival of the dowager duchess, and + it undoubtedly added new eclat to what was already a fashionable event; + for we counted three gentlemen who wore orders glittering on ribbons that + crossed the white of their immaculate linen, and there was an Indian + potentate with a jewelled turban who divided attention with the dowager + duchess's diamond soup-tureen. + </p> + <p> + At twelve-thirty Lord Brighthelmston chided Celandine for flirting too + much. + </p> + <p> + At twelve-forty Lady Brighthelmston reminded Violet (who was a h'orphan + niece) that the beautiful being in the white uniform was not the eldest + son. + </p> + <p> + At twelve-fifty there arrived an elderly gentleman, before whom the + servants bowed low. Lord Brighthelmston went to fetch Patricia, who + chanced to be sitting out a dance with Terence. The three came out on the + balcony, which was deserted, in the near prospect of supper, and the + personage—whom we suspected to be Patricia's godfather—took + from his waistcoat pocket a string of pearls, and, clasping it round her + white throat, stooped gently and kissed her forehead. + </p> + <p> + Then at one o'clock came supper. Francesca and I had secretly provided for + that contingency, and curling up on a sofa we drew toward us a little + table which Dawson had spread with a galantine of chicken, some cress + sandwiches, and a jug of milk. + </p> + <p> + At one-thirty we were quite overcome with sleep, and retired to our beds, + where of course we speedily grew wakeful. + </p> + <p> + “It is giving a ball, not going to one, that is so exhausting!” yawned + Francesca. “How many times have I danced all night with half the fatigue + that I am feeling now!” + </p> + <p> + The sound of music came across the street through the closed door of our + sitting-room. Waltz after waltz, a polka, a galop, then waltzes again, + until our brains reeled with the rhythm. As if this were not enough, when + our windows at the back were opened wide we were quite within reach of + Lady Durden's small dance, where another Hungarian band discoursed more + waltzes and galops. + </p> + <p> + “Dancing, dancing everywhere, and not a turn for us!” grumbled Francesca. + “I simply cannot sleep, can you?” + </p> + <p> + “We must make a determined effort,” I advised; “don't speak again, and + perhaps drowsiness will overtake us.” + </p> + <p> + It finally did overtake Francesca, but I had too much to think about—my + own problems as well as Patricia's. After what seemed to be hours of + tossing I was helplessly drawn back into the sitting-room, just to see if + anything had happened, and if the affair was ever likely to come to an + end. + </p> + <p> + It was half-past two, and yes, the ball was decidedly 'thinning out.' + </p> + <p> + The attendants in the lower hall, when they were not calling carriages, + yawned behind their hands, and stood first on one foot, and then on the + other. + </p> + <p> + Women in beautiful wraps, their heads flashing with jewels, descended the + staircase, and drove, or even walked, away into the summer night. + </p> + <p> + Lady Brighthelmston began to look tired, although all the world, as it + said good night, was telling her that it was one of the most delightful + balls of the season. + </p> + <p> + The English nosegay had lost its white flower, for Patricia was not in the + family group. I looked everywhere for the gleam of her silvery scarf, + everywhere for Terence, while, the waltz music having ceased, the Spanish + students played 'Love's Young Dream.' + </p> + <p> + I hummed the words as the sweet old tune, strummed by the tinkling + mandolins, vibrated clearly in the maze of other sounds:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Oh! the days have gone when Beauty bright + My heart's chain wove; + When my dream of life from morn till night + Was Love, still Love. + New hope may bloom and days may come, + Of milder, calmer beam, + But there's nothing half so sweet in life + As Love's Young Dream.' +</pre> + <p> + At last, in a quiet spot under the oak-tree, the lately risen moon found + Patricia's diamond arrow and discovered her to me. The Japanese lanterns + had burned out; she was wrapped like a young nun, in a cloud of white that + made her eyelashes seem darker. + </p> + <p> + I looked once, because the moonbeam led me into it before I realised; then + I stole away from the window and into my own room, closing the door softly + behind me. + </p> + <p> + We had so far been looking only at conventionalities, preliminaries, + things that all (who had eyes to see) might see; but this was different—quite, + quite different. + </p> + <p> + They were as beautiful under the friendly shadow of their urban oak-tree + as were ever Romeo and Juliet on the balcony of the Capulets. I may not + tell you what I saw in my one quickly repented-of glance. That would be + vulgarising something that was already a little profaned by my innocent + participation. + </p> + <p> + I do not know whether Terence was heir, even ever so far removed, to any + title or estates, and I am sure Patricia did not care: he may have been + vulgarly rich or aristocratically poor. I only know that they loved each + other in the old yet ever new way, without any ifs or ands or buts; that + he worshipped, she honoured; he asked humbly, she gave gladly. + </p> + <p> + How do I know? Ah! that's a 'Penelope secret,' as Francesca says. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps you doubt my intuitions altogether. Perhaps you believe in your + heart that it was an ordinary ball, where a lot of stupid people arrived, + danced, supped, and departed. Perhaps you do not think his name was + Terence or hers Patricia, and if you go so far as that in blindness and + incredulity I should not expect you to translate properly what I saw last + night under the oak-tree, the night of the ball on the opposite side, when + Patricia made her debut. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XIV. Love and lavender. + </h2> + <p> + How well I remember our last evening in Dovermarle Street! + </p> + <p> + At one of our open windows behind the potted ferns and blossoming + hydrangeas sat Salemina, Bertie Godolphin, Mrs. Beresford, the Honourable + Arthur, and Francesca; at another, as far off as possible, sat Willie + Beresford and I. Mrs. Beresford had sanctioned a post-prandial cigar, for + we were not going out till ten, to see, for the second time, an act of + John Hare's Pair of Spectacles. + </p> + <p> + They were talking and laughing at the other end of the room; Mr. Beresford + and I were rather quiet. (Why is it that the people with whom one loves to + be silent are also the very ones with whom one loves to talk?) + </p> + <p> + The room was dim with the light of a single lamp; the rain had ceased; the + roar of Piccadilly came to us softened by distance. A belated vendor of + lavender came along the sidewalk, and as he stopped under the windows the + pungent fragrance of the flowers was wafted up to us with his song. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Who'll buy my pretty lavender? + Sweet lavender, + Who'll buy my pretty lavender? + Sweet bloomin' lavender.' +</pre> + <p> + The tune comes to me laden with odours. Is it not strange that the + fragrances of other days steal in upon the senses together with the sights + and sounds that gave them birth? + </p> + <p> + Presently a horse and cart drew up before an hotel, a little further + along, on the opposite side of the way. By the light of the street lamp + under which it stopped we could see that it held a piano and two persons + beside the driver. The man was masked, and wore a soft felt hat and a + velvet coat. He seated himself at the piano and played a Chopin waltz with + decided sentiment and brilliancy; then, touching the keys idly for a + moment or two, he struck a few chords of prelude and turned towards the + woman who sat beside him. She rose, and, laying one hand on the corner of + the instrument, began to sing one of the season's favourites, 'The Song + that reached my Heart.' She also was masked, and even her figure was + hidden by a long dark cloak the hood of which was drawn over her head to + meet the mask. She sang so beautifully, with such style and such feeling, + it seemed incredible to hear her under circumstances like these. She + followed the ballad with Handel's 'Lascia ch'io pianga,' which rang out + into the quiet street with almost hopeless pathos. When she descended from + the cart to undertake the more prosaic occupation of passing the hat + beneath the windows, I could see that she limped slightly, and that the + hand with which she pushed back the heavy dark hair under the hood was + beautifully moulded. They were all mystery that couple; not to be + confounded for an instant with the common herd of London street musicians. + With what an air of the drawing-room did he of the velvet coat help the + singer into the cart, and with what elegant abandon and ultra-dilettantism + did he light a cigarette, reseat himself at the piano, and weave Scots + ballads into a charming impromptu! I confess I wrapped my shilling in a + bit of paper and dropped it over the balcony with the wish that I knew the + tragedy behind this little street drama. + </p> + <p> + Willie Beresford was in a royal mood that night. You know the mood, in + which the heart is so full, so full, it overruns the brim. He bought the + entire stock of the lavender seller, and threw a shilling to the + mysterious singer for every song she sung. He even offered to give—himself—to + me! And oh! I would have taken him as gladly as ever the lavender boy took + the half-crown, had I been quite, quite sure of myself! A woman with a + vocation ought to be still surer than other women that it is the very + jewel of love she is setting in her heart, and not a sparkling imitation. + I gave myself wholly, or believed that I gave myself wholly, to art, or + what I believed to be art. And is there anything more sacred than art?—Yes, + one thing! + </p> + <p> + It happened something in this wise. + </p> + <p> + The singing had put us in a gentle mood, and after a long peroration from + Mr. Beresford, which I do not care to repeat, I said very softly (blessing + the Honourable Arthur's vociferous laughter at one of Salemina's American + jokes), “But I thought perhaps it was Francesca. Are you quite sure?” + </p> + <p> + He intimated that if there were any fact in his repertory of which he was + particularly and absolutely sure it was this special fact. + </p> + <p> + “It is too sudden,” I objected. “Plants that blossom on shipboard-” + </p> + <p> + “This plant was rooted in American earth, and you know it, Penelope. If it + chanced to blossom on the ship, it was because it had already budded on + the shore; it has borne transplanting to a foreign soil, and it grows in + beauty and strength every day: so no slurs, please, concerning + ocean-steamer hothouses.” + </p> + <p> + “I cannot say yes, yet I dare not say no; it is too soon. I must go off + into the country quite by myself and think it over.” + </p> + <p> + “But,” urged Mr. Beresford, “you cannot think over a matter of this kind + by yourself. You'll continually be needing to refer to me for data, don't + you know, on which to base your conclusions. How can you tell whether + you're in love with me or not if— (No, I am not shouting at all; + it's your guilty conscience; I'm whispering.) How can you tell whether + you're in love with me, I repeat, unless you keep me under constant + examination?” + </p> + <p> + “That seems sensible, though I dare say it is full of sophistry; but I + have made up my mind to go into the country and paint while Salemina and + Francesca are on the Continent. One cannot think in this whirl. A winter + season in Washington followed by a summer season in London,—one + wants a breath of fresh air before beginning another winter season + somewhere else. Be a little patient, please. I long for the calm that + steals over me when I am absorbed in my brushes and my oils.” + </p> + <p> + “Work is all very well,” said Mr. Beresford with determination, “but I + know your habits. You have a little way of taking your brush, and with one + savage sweep painting out a figure from your canvas. Now if I am on the + canvas of your heart,—I say 'if' tentatively and modestly, as + becomes me,—I've no intention of allowing you to paint me out; + therefore I wish to remain in the foreground, where I can say 'Strike, but + hear me,' if I discover any hostile tendencies in your eye. But I am + thankful for small favours (the 'no' you do not quite dare say, for + instance), and I'll talk it over with you to-morrow, if the British gentry + will give me an opportunity, and if you'll deign to give me a moment alone + in any other place than the Royal Academy.” + </p> + <p> + “I was alone with you to-day for a whole hour at least.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, first at the London and Westminster Bank, second in Trafalgar + Square, and third on the top of a 'bus, none of them congenial spots to a + man in my humour. Penelope, you are not dull, but you don't seem to + understand that I am head over-” + </p> + <p> + “What are you two people quarrelling about?” cried Salemina. “Come, + Penelope, get your wrap. Mrs. Beresford, isn't she charming in her new + Liberty gown? If that New York wit had seen her, he couldn't have said, + 'If that is Liberty, give me Death!' Yes, Francesca, you must wear + something over your shoulders. Whistle for two four-wheelers, Dawson, + please.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PART2" id="link2H_PART2"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Part Second—In the country. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XV. Penelope dreams. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + West Belvern, Holly House + August 189-. +</pre> + <p> + I am here alone. Salemina has taken her little cloth bag and her notebook + and gone to inspect the educational and industrial methods of Germany. If + she can discover anything that they are not already doing better in + Boston, she will take it back with her, but her state of mind regarding + the outcome of the trip might be described as one of incredulity tinged + with hope. Francesca has accompanied Salemina. Not that the inspection of + systems is much in her line, but she prefers it to a solitude a deux with + me when I am in a working mood, and she comforts herself with the + anticipation that the German army is very attractive. Willie Beresford has + gone with his mother to Aix-les-Bains, like the dutiful son that he is. + They say that a good son makes a good— But that subject is dismissed + to the background for the present, for we are in a state of armed + neutrality. He has agreed to wait until the autumn for a final answer, and + I have promised to furnish one by that time. Meanwhile, we are to continue + our acquaintance by post, which is a concession I would never have allowed + if I had had my wits about me. + </p> + <p> + After paying my last week's bill in Dovermarle Street, including fees to + several servants whom I knew by sight, and several others whose + acquaintance I made for the first time at the moment of departure, I + glanced at my ebbing letter of credit and felt a season of economy setting + in upon me with unusual severity; accordingly, I made an experiment of + coming third-class to Belvern. I handed the guard a shilling, and he gave + me a seat riding backwards in a carriage with seven other women, all very + frumpish, but highly respectable. As he could not possibly have done any + worse for me, I take it that he considered the shilling a graceful tribute + to his personal charms, but as having no other bearing whatever. The seven + women stared at me throughout the journey. When one is really of the same + blood, and when one does not open one's lips or wave the stars and stripes + in any possible manner, how do they detect the American? These women + looked at me as if I were a highly interesting anthropoidal ape. It was + not because of my attire, for I was carefully dressed down to a + third-class level; yet when I removed my plain Knox hat and leaned my head + back against my travelling-pillow, an electrical shudder of intense + excitement ran through the entire compartment. When I stooped to tie my + shoe another current was set in motion, and when I took Charles Reade's + White Lies from my portmanteau they glanced at one another as if to say, + 'Would that we could see in what language the book is written!' As a + travelling mystery I reached my highest point at Oxford, for there I + purchased a small basket of plums from a boy who handed them in at the + window of the carriage. After eating a few, I offered the rest to a dowdy + elderly woman on my left who was munching dry biscuits from a paper bag. + 'What next?' was the facial expression of the entire company. My neighbour + accepted the plums, but hid them in her bag; plainly thinking them + poisoned, and believing me to be a foreign conspirator, conspiring against + England through the medium of her inoffensive person. In the course of the + four-hours' journey, I could account for the strange impression I was + making only upon the theory that it is unusual to comport oneself in a + first-class manner in a third-class carriage. All my companions chanced to + be third-class by birth as well as by ticket, and the Englishwoman who is + born third-class is sometimes deficient in imagination. + </p> + <p> + Upon arriving at Great Belvern (which must be pronounced 'Bevern') I took + a trap, had my luggage put on in front, and start on my quest for lodgings + in West Belvern, five miles distant. Several addresses had been given me + by Hilda Mellifica, who has spent much time in this region, and who begged + me to use her name. I told the driver that I wished to find a clean, + comfortable lodging, with the view mentioned in the guide-book, and with a + purple clematis over the door, if possible. The last point astounded him + to such a degree that he had, I think, a serious idea of giving me into + custody. (I should not be so eccentrically spontaneous with these people, + if they did not feed my sense of humour by their amazement.) + </p> + <p> + We visited Holly House, Osborne, St. James, Victoria, and Albert houses, + Tank Villa, Poplar Villa, Rose, Brake, and Thorn Villas, as well as + Hawthorn, Gorse, Fern, Shrubbery, and Providence Cottages. All had + apartments, but many were taken, and many more had rooms either dark and + stuffy or without view. Holly House was my first stopping-place. Why will + a woman voluntarily call her place by a name which she can never + pronounce? It is my landlady's misfortune that she is named 'Obbs, and + mine that I am called 'Amilton, but Mrs. 'Obbs must have rushed with eyes + wide open on 'Olly 'Ouse. I found sitting-room and bedroom at Holly House + for two guineas a week; everything, except roof, extra. This was more + than, in my new spirit of economy I desired to pay, but after exhausting + my list I was obliged to go back rather than sleep in the highroad. Mrs. + Hobbs offered to deduct two shillings a week if I stayed until Christmas, + and said she should not charge me a penny for the linen. Thanking her with + tears of gratitude, I requested dinner. There was no meat in the house, so + I supped frugally off two boiled eggs, a stodgy household loaf, and a mug + of ale, after which I climbed the stairs, and retired to my feather-bed in + a rather depressed frame of mind. + </p> + <p> + Visions of Salemina and Francesca driving under the linden-trees in Berlin + flitted across my troubled reveries, with glimpses of Willie Beresford and + his mother at Aix-les-Bains. At this distance, and in the dead of night, + my sacrifice in coming here seemed fruitless. Why did I not allow myself + to drift for ever on that pleasant sea which has been lapping me in sweet + and indolent content these many weeks? Of what use to labour, to struggle, + to deny myself, for an art to which I can never be more than the humblest + handmaiden? I felt like crying out, as did once a braver woman's soul than + mine, 'Let me be weak! I have been seeming to be strong so many years!' + The woman and the artist in me have always struggled for the mastery. So + far the artist has triumphed, and now all at once the woman is uppermost. + I should think the two ought to be able to live peaceably in the same + tenement; they do manage it in some cases; but it seems a law of my being + that I shall either be all one or all the other. + </p> + <p> + The question for me to ask myself now is, “Am I in love with loving and + with being loved, or am I in love with Willie Beresford?” How many women + have confounded the two, I wonder? + </p> + <p> + In this mood I fell asleep, and on a sudden I found myself in a dear New + England garden. The pillow slipped away, and my cheek pressed a fragrant + mound of mignonette, the self-same one on which I hid my tear-stained face + and sobbed my heart out in childish grief and longing for the mother who + would never hold me again. The moon came up over the Belvern Hills and + shone on my half-closed lids; but to me it was a very different moon, the + far-away moon of my childhood, with a river rippling beneath its silver + rays. And the wind that rustled among the poplar branches outside my + window was, in my dream, stirring the pink petals of a blossoming + apple-tree that used to grow beside the bank of mignonette, wafting down + sweet odours and drinking in sweeter ones. And presently there stole in + upon this harmony of enchanting sounds and delicate fragrances, in which + childhood and womanhood, pleasure and pain, memory and anticipation, + seemed strangely intermingled, the faint music of a voice, growing clearer + and clearer as my ear became familiar with its cadences. And what the + dream voice said to me was something like this:— + </p> + <p> + 'If thou wouldst have happiness, choose neither fame, which doth not long + abide, nor power, which stings the hand that wields it, nor gold, which + glitters but never glorifies; but choose thou Love, and hold it for ever + in thy heart of hearts; for Love is the purest and the mightiest force in + the universe, and once it is thine all other gifts shall be added unto + thee. Love that is passionate yet reverent, tender yet strong, selfish in + desiring all yet generous in giving all; love of man for woman and woman + for man, of parent for child and friend for friend—when this is born + in the soul, the desert blossoms as the rose. Straightway new hopes and + wishes, sweet longings and pure ambitions, spring into being, like green + shoots that lift their tender heads in sunny places; and if the soil be + kind, they grow stronger and more beautiful as each glad day laughs in the + rosy skies. And by and by singing-birds come and build their nests in the + branches; and these are the pleasures of life. And the birds sing not + often, because of a serpent that lurketh in the garden. And the name of + the serpent is Satiety. He maketh the heart to grow weary of what it once + danced and leaped to think upon, and the ear to wax dull to the melody of + sounds that once were sweet, and the eye blind to the beauty that once led + enchantment captive. And sometimes—we know not why, but we shall + know hereafter, for life is not completely happy since it is not heaven, + nor completely unhappy since it is the road thither—sometimes the + light of the sun is withdrawn for a moment, and that which is fairest + vanishes from the place that was enriched by its presence. Yet the garden + is never quite deserted. Modest flowers, whose charms we had not noted + when youth was bright and the world seemed ours, now lift their heads in + sheltered places and whisper peace. The morning song of the birds is + hushed, for the dawn breaks less rosily in the eastern skies, but at + twilight they still come and nestle in the branches that were sunned in + the smile of love and watered with its happy tears. And over the grave of + each buried hope or joy stands an angel with strong comforting hands and + patient smile; and the name of the garden is Life, and the angel is + Memory.' + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XVI. The decay of Romance. + </h2> + <p> + I have changed my Belvern, and there are so many others left to choose + from that I might live in a different Belvern each week. North, South, + East, and West Belvern, New Belvern, Old Belvern, Great Belvern, Little + Belvern, Belvern Link, Belvern Common, and Belvern Wells. They are all + nestled together in the velvet hollows or on the wooded crowns of the + matchless Belvern Hills, from which they look down upon the fairest plains + that ever blessed the eye. One can see from their heights a score of + market towns and villages, three splendid cathedrals, each in a different + county, the queenly Severn winding like a silver thread among the trees, + with soft-flowing Avon and gentle Teme watering the verdant meadows + through which they pass. All these hills and dales were once the Royal + Forest, and afterwards the Royal Chase, of Belvern, covering nearly seven + thousand acres in three counties; and from the lonely height of the Beacon + no less than + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Twelve fair counties saw the blaze' +</pre> + <p> + of signals, when the country was threatened by a Spanish invasion. As for + me, I mourn the decay of Romance with a great R; we have it still among + us, but we spell it with a smaller letter. It must be so much more + interesting to be threatened with an invasion, especially a Spanish + invasion, than with a strike, for instance. The clashing of swords and the + flashing of spears in the sunshine are so much more dazzling and inspiring + than a line of policemen with clubs! Yes, I wish it were the age of + chivalry again, and that I were looking down from these hills into the + Royal Chase. Of course I know that there were wicked and selfish tyrants + in those days, before the free press, the jury system, and the folding-bed + had wrought their beneficent influences upon the common mind and heart. Of + course they would have sneered at Browning Societies and improved + tenements, and of course they did not care a penny whether woman had the + ballot or not, so long as man had the bottle; but I would that the other + moderns were enjoying the modern improvements, and that I were gazing into + the cool depths of those deep forests where there were once good lairs for + the wolf and wild boar. I should like to hear the baying of the hounds and + the mellow horns of the huntsman. I should like to see the royal cavalcade + emerging from one of those wooded glades: monarch and baron bold, proud + prelate, abbot and prior, belted knight and ladye fair, sweeping in + gorgeous array under the arcades of the overshadowing trees, silver spurs + and jewelled trappings glittering in the sunlight, princely forms bending + low over the saddles of the court beauties. Why, oh why, is it not + possible to be picturesque and pious in the same epoch? Why may not + chivalry and charity go hand in hand? It amuses me to imagine the + amazement of the barons, bold and belted knights, could they be + resuscitated for a sufficient length of time to gaze upon the hydropathic + establishments which dot their ancient hunting-grounds. It would have been + very difficult to interest the age of chivalry in hydropathy. + </p> + <p> + Such is the fascination of historic association that I am sure, if I could + drag my beloved but conscientious Salemina from some foreign soup-kitchen + which she is doubtless inspecting, I could make even her mourn the + vanished past with me this morning, on the Beacon's towering head. For + Salemina wearies of the age of charity sometimes, as every one does who is + trying to make it a beautiful possibility. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XVII. Short stops and long bills. + </h2> + <p> + The manner of my changing from West to North Belvern was this. When I had + been two days at Holly House, I reflected that my sitting-room faced the + wrong way for the view, and that my bedroom was dark and not large enough + to swing a cat in. Not that there was the remotest necessity of my + swinging cats in it, but the figure of speech is always useful. Neither + did I care to occupy myself with the perennial inspection and purchase of + raw edibles, when I wished to live in an ideal world and paint a great + picture. Mrs. Hobbs would come to my bedside in the morning and ask me if + I would like to buy a fowl. When I looked upon the fowl, limp in death, + with its headless neck hanging dejectedly over the edge of the plate, its + giblets and kidneys lying in immodest confusion on the outside of itself, + and its liver 'tucked under its wing, poor thing,' I never wanted to buy + it. But one morning, in taking my walk, I chanced upon an idyllic spot: + the front of the whitewashed cottage embowered in flowers, bird-cages + built into these bowers, a little notice saying 'Canaries for Sale,' and + an English rose of a baby sitting in the path stringing hollyhock buds. + There was no apartment sign, but I walked in, ostensibly to buy some + flowers. I met Mrs. Bobby, loved her at first sight, the passion was + reciprocal, and I wheedled her into giving me her own sitting-room and the + bedroom above it. It only remained now for me to break my projected change + of residence to my present landlady, and this I distinctly dreaded. Of + course Mrs. Hobbs said, when I timidly mentioned the subject, that she + wished she had known I was leaving an hour before, for she had just + refused a lady and her husband, most desirable persons, who looked as if + they would be permanent. Can it be that lodgers radiate the permanent or + transitory quality, quite unknown to themselves? + </p> + <p> + I was very much embarrassed, as she threatened to become tearful; and as I + was determined never to give up Mrs. Bobby, I said desperately, “I must + leave you, Mrs. Hobbs, I must indeed; but as you seem to feel so badly + about it, I'll go out and find you another lodger in my place.” + </p> + <p> + The fact is, I had seen, not long before, a lady going in and out of + houses, as I had done on the night of my arrival, and it occurred to me + that I might pursue her, and persuade her to take my place in Holly House + and buy the headless fowl. I walked for nearly an hour before I was + rewarded with a glimpse of my victim's grey dress whisking round the + corner of Pump Street. I approached, and, with a smile that was intended + to be a justification in itself, I explained my somewhat unusual mission. + She was rather unreceptive at first; she thought evidently that I was to + have a percentage on her, if I succeeded in capturing her alive and + delivering her to Mrs. Hobbs; but she was very weary and discouraged, and + finally fell in with my plans. She accompanied me home, was introduced to + Mrs. Hobbs, and engaged my rooms from the following day. As she had a + sister, she promised to be a more lucrative incumbent than I; she enjoyed + ordering food in a raw state, did not care for views, and thought purple + clematis vines only a shelter for insects: so every one was satisfied, and + I most of all when I wrestled with Mrs. Hobb's itemised bill for two + nights and one day. Her weekly account must be rolled on a cylinder, I + should think, like the list of Don Juan's amours, for the bill of my brief + residence beneath her roof was quite three feet in length, each of the + following items being set down every twenty-four hours:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Apartments. + Ale. + Bath. + Kidney beans. + Candles. + Vegetable marrow. + Tea. + Eggs. + Butter. + Bread. + Cut off joint. + Plums. + Potatoes. + Chops. + Kipper. + Rasher. + Salt. + Pepper. + Vinegar. + Sugar. + Washing towels. + Lights. + Kitchen fire. + Sitting-room fire. + Attendance. + Boots. +</pre> + <p> + The total was seventeen shillings and sixpence, and as Mrs. Hobbs wrote + upon it, in her neat English hand, 'Received payment, with respectful + thanks,' she carefully blotted the wet ink, and remarked casually that + service was not included in 'attendance,' but that she would leave the + amount to me. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XVIII. I meet Mrs. Bobby. + </h2> + <p> + Mrs. Bobby and I were born for each other, though we have been a long time + in coming together. She is the pink of neatness and cheeriness, and she + has a broad, comfortable bosom on which one might lay a motherless head, + if one felt lonely in a stranger land. I never look at her without + remembering what the poet Samuel Rogers said of Lady Parke: 'She is so + good that when she goes to heaven she will find no difference save that + her ankles will be thinner and her head better dressed.' + </p> + <p> + No raw fowls visit my bedside here; food comes as I wish it to come when I + am painting, like manna from heaven. Mrs. Bobby brings me three times a + day something to eat, and though it is always whatever she likes, I always + agree in her choice, and send the blue dishes away empty. She asked me + this morning if I enjoyed my 'h'egg,' and remarked that she had only one + fowl, but it laid an egg for me every morning, so I might know it was + 'fresh as fresh.' It is certainly convenient: the fowl lays the egg from + seven to seven-thirty, I eat it from eight to eight-thirty; no haste, no + waste. Never before have I seen such heavenly harmony between supply and + demand. Never before have I been in such visible and unbroken connection + with the source of my food. If I should ever desire two eggs, or if the + fowl should turn sulky or indolent, I suppose Mrs. Bobby would have to go + half a mile to the nearest shop, but as yet everything has worked to a + charm. The cow is milked into my pitcher in the morning, and the fowl lays + her egg almost literally in my egg-cup. One of the little Bobbies pulls a + kidney bean or a tomato or digs a potato for my dinner, about half an hour + before it is served. There is a sheep in the garden, but I hardly think it + supplies the chops; those, at least, are not raised on the premises. + </p> + <p> + One grievance I did have at first, but Mrs. Bobby removed the thorn from + the princess' pillow as soon as it was mentioned. Our next-door neighbour + had a kennel of homesick, discontented, and sleepless puppies of various + breeds, that were in the habit of howling all night until Mrs. Bobby + expostulated with Mrs. Gooch in my behalf. She told me that she found Mrs. + Gooch very snorty, very snorty indeed, because the pups were an 'obby of + her 'usbants; whereupon Mrs. Bobby responded that if Mrs. Gooch's 'usbant + 'ad to 'ave an 'obby, it was a shame it 'ad to be 'owling pups to keep + h'innocent people awake o' nights. The puppies were removed, but I almost + felt guilty at finding fault with a dog in this country. It is a matter of + constant surprise to me, and it always give me a warm glow in the region + of the heart, to see the supremacy of the dog in England. He is respected, + admired, loved, and considered, as he deserves to be everywhere, but as he + frequently is not. He is admitted on all excursions; he is taken into the + country for his health; he is a factor in all the master' plans; in short, + the English dog is a member of the family, in good and regular standing. + </p> + <p> + My interior surroundings are all charming. My little sitting-room, out of + which I turned Mrs. Bobby, is bright with potted ferns and flowering + plants, and on its walls, besides the photographs of a large and unusually + plain family, I have two works of art which inspire me anew every time I + gaze at them: the first a scriptural subject, treated by an enthusiastic + but inexperienced hand, 'Susanne dans le Bain, surprise par les Deux + Vieillards'; the second, 'The White Witch of Worcester on her Way to the + Stake at High Cross.' The unfortunate lady in the latter picture is + attired in a white lawn wrapper with angel sleeves, and is followed by an + abbess with prayer-book, and eight surpliced choir-boys with candles. I + have been long enough in England to understand the significance of the + candles. Doubtless the White Witch had paid four shillings a week for each + of them in her prison lodging, and she naturally wished to burn them to + the end. + </p> + <p> + One has no need, though, of pictures on the walls here, for the universe + seems unrolled at one's very feet. As I look out of my window the last + thing before I go to sleep, I see the lights of Great Belvern, the dim + shadows of the distant cathedral towers, the quaint priory seven centuries + old, and just the outline of Holly Bush Hill, a sacred seat of magic + science when the Druids investigated the secrets of the stars, and sought, + by auspices and sacrifices, to forecast the future and to penetrate the + designs of the gods. + </p> + <p> + It makes me feel very new, very undeveloped, to look out of that window. + If I were an Englishwoman, say the fifty-fifth duchess of something, I + could easily glow with pride to think that I was part and parcel of such + antiquity; the fortunate heiress not only of land and titles, but of + historic associations. But as I am an American with a very recent + background, I blow out my candle with the feeling that it is rather grand + to be making history for somebody else to inherit. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XIX. The heart of the artist. + </h2> + <p> + I am almost too comfortable with Mrs. Bobby. In fact I wished to be just a + little miserable in Belvern, so that I could paint with a frenzy. + Sometimes, when I have been in a state of almost despairing loneliness and + gloom, the colours have glowed on my canvas and the lines have shaped + themselves under my hand independent of my own volition. Now, tucked away + in a corner of my consciousness is the knowledge that I need never be + lonely again unless I choose. When I yield myself fully to the sweet + enchantment of this thought, I feel myself in the mood to paint sunshine, + flowers, and happy children's faces; yet I am sadly lacking in + concentration, all the same. The fact is, I am no artist in the true sense + of the word. My hope flies ever in front of my best success, and that + momentary success does not deceive me in the very least. I know exactly + how much, or rather how little, I am worth; that I lack the imagination, + the industry, the training, the ambition, to achieve any lasting results. + I have the artistic temperament in so far that it is impossible for me to + work merely for money or popularity, or indeed for anything less than the + desire to express the best that is in me without fear or favour. It would + never occur to me to trade on present approval and dash off unworthy stuff + while I have command of the market. I am quite above all that, but I am + distinctly below that other mental and spiritual level where art is + enough; where pleasure does not signify; where one shuts oneself up and + produces from sheer necessity; where one is compelled by relentless law; + where sacrifice does not count; where ideas throng the brain and plead for + release in expression; where effort is joy, and the prospect of doing + something enduring lures the soul on to new and ever new endeavour: so I + shall never be rich or famous. + </p> + <p> + What shall I paint to-day? Shall it be the bit of garden underneath my + window, with the tangle of pinks and roses, and the cabbages growing + appetisingly beside the sweet-williams, the woodbine climbing over the + brown stone wall, the wicket-gate, and the cherry-tree with its fruit + hanging red against the whitewashed cottage? Ah, if I could only paint it + so truly that you could hear the drowsy hum of the bees among the thyme, + and smell the scented hay-meadows in the distance, and feel that it is + midsummer in England! That would indeed be truth, and that would be art. + Shall I paint the Bobby baby as he stoops to pick the cowslips and the + flax, his head as yellow and his eyes as blue as the flowers themselves; + or that bank opposite the gate, with its gorse bushes in golden bloom, its + mountain-ash hung with scarlet berries, its tufts of harebells blossoming + in the crevices of rock, and the quaint low clock-tower at the foot? Can I + not paint all these in the full glow of summer-time in my secret heart + whenever I open the door a bit and admit its life-giving warmth and + beauty? I think I can, if I can only quit dreaming. + </p> + <p> + I wonder how the great artists worked, and under what circumstances they + threw aside the implements of their craft, impatient of all but the throb + of life itself? Could Raphael paint Madonnas the week of his betrothal? + Did Thackeray write a chapter the day his daughter was born? Did Plato + philosophise freely when he was in love? Were there interruptions in the + world's great revolutions, histories, dramas, reforms, poems, and marbles + when their creators fell for a brief moment under the spell of the little + blind tyrant who makes slaves of us all? It must have been so. Your + chronometer heart, on whose pulsations you can reckon as on the procession + of the equinoxes, never gave anything to the world unless it were a system + of diet, or something quite uncoloured and unglorified by the imagination. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XX. A canticle to Jane. + </h2> + <p> + There are many donkeys owned in these nooks among the hills, and some of + the thriftier families keep donkey-chairs (or 'cheers,' as they call them) + to let to the casual summer visitor. This vehicle is a regular Bath chair, + into which the donkey is harnessed. Some of them have a tiny driver's + seat, where a small lad sits beating and berating the donkey for the + incumbent, generally a decrepit dowager from London. Other chairs are + minus this absurd coachman's perch, and in this sort I take my daily + drives. I hire the miniature chariot from an old woman who dwells at the + top of Gorse Hill, and who charges one and fourpence the hour, It is a + little more when she fetches the donkey to the door, or when the weather + is wet or the day is very warm, or there is an unusual breeze blowing, or + I wish to go round the hills; but under ordinary circumstances, which may + at any time occur, but which never do, one and four the hour. It is only a + shilling, if you have the boy to drive you; but, of course, if you drive + yourself, you throw the boy out of employment, and have to pay extra. + </p> + <p> + It was in this fashion and on these elastic terms that I first met you, + Jane, and this chapter shall be sacred to you! Jane the long-eared, Jane + the iron-jawed, Jane the stubborn, Jane donkeyer than other donkeys,—in + a word, MULIER! It may be that Jane has made her bow to the public before + this. If she has ever come into close relation with man or woman possessed + of the instinct of self-expression, then this is certainly not her first + appearance in print, for no human being could know Jane and fail to + mention her. + </p> + <p> + Pause, Jane,—this you will do gladly, I am sure, since pausing is + the one accomplishment to which you lend yourself with special energy,—pause, + Jane, while I sing a canticle to your character. Jane is a tiny—person, + I was about to say, for she has so strong an individuality that I can + scarcely think of her as less than human—Jane is a tiny, solemn + creature, looking all docility and decorum, with long hair of a subdued + tan colour, very much worn off in patches, I fear, by the offending toe of + man. + </p> + <p> + I am a member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, and + I hope that I am as tender-hearted as most women; nevertheless, I can + understand how a man of weak principle and violent temper, or a man + possessed of a desire to get to a particular spot not favoured by Jane, or + by a wish to reach any spot by a certain hour,—I can understand how + such a man, carried away by helpless wrath, might possibly ruffle Jane's + sad-coloured hair with the toe of his boot. + </p> + <p> + Jane is small, yet mighty. She is multum in parvo; she is the rock of + Gibraltar in animate form; she is cosmic obstinacy on four legs. When + following out the devices and desires of her own heart, or resisting the + devices and desires of yours, she can put a pressure of five hundred tons + on the bit. She is further fortified by the possession of legs which have + iron rods concealed in them, these iron rods terminating in stout + grip-hooks, with which she takes hold on mother earth with an expression + that seems to say,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'This rock shall fly + From its firm base as soon as I.' +</pre> + <p> + When I start out in the afternoon, Mrs. Bobby frequently asks me where I + am going. I always answer that I have not made up my mind, though what I + really mean to say is that Jane has not made up her mind. She never makes + up her mind until after I have made up mine, lest by some unhappy accident + she might choose the very excursion that I desire myself. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XXI. I remember, I remember. + </h2> + <p> + For example, I wish to visit St. Bridget's Well, concerning which there + are some quaint old verses in a village history:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Out of thy famous hille, + There daylie springyeth, + A water passynge stille, + That alwayes bringyeth + Grete comfort to all them + That are diseased men, + And makes them well again + To prayse the Lord. + + 'Hast thou a wound to heale, + The wyche doth greve thee; + Come thenn unto this welle; + It will relieve thee; + Nolie me tangeries, + And other maladies, + Have there theyr remedies, + Prays'd be the Lord.' +</pre> + <p> + St. Bridget's Well is a beautiful spot, and my desire to see it is a + perfectly laudable one. In strict justice, it is really no concern of Jane + whether my wishes are laudable or not; but it only makes the case more + flagrant when she interferes with the reasonable plans of a reasonable + being. Never since the day we first met have I harboured a thought that I + wished to conceal from Jane (would that she could say as much!); + nevertheless she treats me as if I were a monster of caprice. As I said + before, I wish to visit St. Bridget's Well, but Jane absolutely refuses to + take me there. After we pass Belvern churchyard we approach two roads: the + one to the right leads to the Holy Well; the one to the left leads to + Shady Dell Farm, where Jane lived when she was a girl. At the critical + moment I pull the right rein with all my force. In vain: Jane is always + overcome by sentiment when she sees that left-hand road. She bears to the + left like a whirlwind, and nothing can stop her mad career until she is + again amid the scenes so dear to her recollection, the beloved pastures + where the mother still lives at whose feet she brayed in early youth! + </p> + <p> + Now this is all very pretty and touching. Her action has, in truth, its + springs in a most commendable sentiment that I should be the last to + underrate. Shady Dell Farm is interesting, too, for once, if one can + swallow one's wrath and dudgeon at being taken there against one's will; + and one feels that Jane's parents and Jane's early surroundings must be + worth a single visit, if they could produce a donkey of such unusual + capacity. Still, she must know, if she knows anything, that a person does + not come from America and pay one and fourpence the hour (or thereabouts) + merely in order to visit the home of her girlhood, which is neither + mentioned in Baedeker nor set down in the local guide-books as a feature + of interest. + </p> + <p> + Whether, in addition to her affection for Shady Dell Farm, she has an + objection to St. Bridget's Well, and thus is strengthened by a double + motive, I do not know. She may consider it a relic of popish superstition; + she may be a Protestant donkey; she is a Dissenter,—there's no doubt + about that. + </p> + <p> + But, you ask, have you tried various methods of bringing her to terms and + gaining your own desires? Certainly. I have coaxed, beaten, prodded, + prayed. I have tried leading her past the Shady Dell turn; she walks all + over my feet, and then starts for home, I running behind until I can catch + up with her. I have offered her one and tenpence the hour; she remained + firm. One morning I had a happy inspiration; I determined on conquering + Jane by a subterfuge. I said to myself: “I am going to start for St. + Bridget's Well, as usual; several yards before we reach the two roads, I + shall begin pulling, not the right, but the left rein. Jane will lift her + ears suddenly, and say to herself: 'What! has this girl fallen in love + with my birthplace at last, and does she now prefer it to St. Bridget's + Well? Then she shall not have it!' Whereupon Jane will race madly down the + right-hand road for the first time, I pulling steadily at the left rein to + keep up appearances, and I shall at last realise my wishes.” + </p> + <p> + This was my inspiration. Would you believe that it failed utterly? It + should have succeeded, and would with an ordinary donkey, but Jane saw + through it. She obeyed my pull on the left rein, and went to Shady Dell + Farm as usual. + </p> + <p> + Another of Jane's eccentricities is a violent aversion to perambulators. + As Belvern is a fine, healthy, growing country, with steadily increasing + population, the roads are naturally alive with perambulators; or at least + alive with the babies inside the perambulators. These are the more + alarming to the timid eye in that many of them are double-barrelled, so to + speak, and are loaded to the muzzle with babies; for not only do Belvern + babies frequently appear as twins, but there are often two youngsters of a + perambulator age in the same family at the same time. To weave that donkey + and that Bath 'cheer' through the narrow streets of the various Belverns + without putting to death any babies, and without engendering the outspoken + condemnation of the screaming mothers and nurserymaids, is a task for a + Jehu. Of course Jane makes it more difficult by lunging into one + perambulator in avoiding another, but she prefers even that risk to the + degradation of treading the path I wish her to tread. + </p> + <p> + I often wish that for one brief moment I might remove the lid of Jane's + brain and examine her mental processes. She would not exasperate me so + deeply if I could be certain of her springs of action. Is she old, is she + rheumatic, is she lazy, is she hungry? Sometimes I think she means well, + and is only ignorant and dull; but this hypothesis grows less and less + tenable as I know her better. Sometimes I conclude that she does not + understand me; that the difference in nationality may trouble her. If an + Englishman cannot understand an American woman all at once, why should an + English donkey? Perhaps it takes an American donkey to comprehend an + American woman. Yet I cannot bring myself to drive any other donkey; I am + always hoping to impress myself on her imagination, and conquer her will + through her fancy. Meanwhile, I like to feel myself in the grasp of a + nature stronger than my own, and so I hold to Jane, and buy a photograph + of St. Bridget's Well! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XXII. Comfort Cottage. + </h2> + <p> + It was about two o'clock in the afternoon, and I suddenly heard a strange + sound, that of our fowl cackling. Yesterday I heard her tell-tale note + about noon, and the day before just as I was eating my breakfast. I knew + that it would be so! The serpent has entered Eden. That fowl has laid + before eight in the morning for three weeks without interruption, and she + has now entered upon a career of wild and reckless uncertainty which + compels me to eat eggs from twelve to twenty-four hours old, just as if I + were in London. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Alas for the rarity + Of regularity + Under the sun! +</pre> + <p> + A hen, being of the feminine gender, underestimates the majesty of order + and system; she resents any approach to the unimaginative monotony of the + machine. Probably the Confederated Fowl Union has been meddling with our + little paradise where Labour and Capital have dwelt in heavenly unity + until now. Nothing can be done about it, of course; even if it were + possible to communicate with the fowl, she would say, I suppose, that she + would lay when she was ready, and not before; at least, that is what an + American hen would say. + </p> + <p> + Just as I was brooding over these mysteries and trying to hatch out some + conclusions, Mrs. Bobby knocked at the door, and, coming in, curtsied very + low before saying, “It's about namin' the 'ouse, miss.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes. Pray don't stand, Mrs. Bobby; take a chair. I am not very busy; I + am only painting prickles on my gorse bushes, so we will talk it over.” + </p> + <p> + I shall not attempt to give you Mrs. Bobby's dialect in reporting my + various interviews with her, for the spelling of it is quite beyond my + powers. Pray remove all the h's wherever they occur, and insert them where + they do not; but there will be, over and beyond this, an intonation quite + impossible to render. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Bobby bought her place only a few months ago, for she lived in + Cheltenham before Mr. Bobby died. The last incumbent had probably been of + Welsh extraction, for the cottage had been named 'Dan-y-cefn.' Mrs. Bobby + declared, however, that she wouldn't have a heathenish name posted on her + house, and expect her friends to pronounce it when she couldn't pronounce + it herself. She seemed grieved when at first I could not see the absolute + necessity of naming the cottage at all, telling her that in America we + named only grand places. She was struck dumb with amazement at this piece + of information, and failed to conceive of the confusion that must ensue in + villages where streets were scarcely named or houses numbered. I confess + it had never occurred to me that our manner of doing was highly + inconvenient, if not impossible, and I approached the subject of the name + with more interest and more modesty. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Mrs. Bobby,” I began, “it is to be Cottage; we've decided that, + have we not? It is to be Cottage, not House, Lodge, Mansion, or Villa. We + cannot name it after any flower that blows, because they are all taken. + Have all the trees been used?” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, miss, yes, miss, all but h'ash-tree, and we 'ave no h'ash.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good, we must follow another plan. Family names seem to be chosen, + such as Gower House, Marston Villa, and the like. 'Bobby Cottage' is not + pretty. What was your maiden name, Mrs. Bobby?” + </p> + <p> + “Buggins, thank you, miss. 'Elizabeth Buggins, Licensed to sell Poultry,' + was my name and title when I met Mr. Bobby.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm sorry, but 'Buggins Cottage' is still more impossible than 'Bobby + Cottage.' Now here's another idea: where were you born, Mrs. Bobby?” + </p> + <p> + “In Snitterfield, thank you, miss.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear, dear! how unserviceable!” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, miss.” + </p> + <p> + “Where was Mr. Bobby born?” + </p> + <p> + “He never mentioned, miss.” + </p> + <p> + (Mr. Bobby must have been expansive, for they were married twenty years.) + </p> + <p> + “There is always Victoria or Albert,” I said tentatively, as I wiped my + brushes. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, miss, but with all respect to her Majesty, them names give me a turn + when I see them on the gates, I am that sick of them.” + </p> + <p> + “True. Can we call it anything that will suggest its situation? Is there a + Hill Crest?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, miss, there is 'Ill Crest, 'Ill Top, 'Ill View, 'Ill Side, 'Ill End, + H'under 'Ill, 'Ill Bank, and 'Ill Terrace.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think that would do for Hill.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, miss. 'Ow would 'The 'Edge' do, miss?” + </p> + <p> + “But we have no hedge.” (She shall not have anything with an h in it, if I + can help it.) + </p> + <p> + “No, miss, but I thought I might set out a bit, if worst come to worst.” + </p> + <p> + “And wait three or four years before people would know why the cottage was + named? Oh no, Mrs. Bobby.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, miss.” + </p> + <p> + “We might have something quite out of the common, like 'Providence + Cottage,' down the bank. I don't know why Mrs. Jones calls it Providence + Cottage, unless she thinks it's a providence that she has one at all; or + because, as it's just on the edge of the hill, she thinks it's a + providence that it hasn't blown off. How would you like 'Peace' or 'Rest' + Cottage?” + </p> + <p> + “Begging your pardon, miss, it's neither peace nor rest I gets in it these + days, with a twenty-five pound debt 'anging over me, and three children to + feed and clothe.” + </p> + <p> + “I fear we are not very clever, Mrs. Bobby, or we should hit upon the + right thing with less trouble. I know what I will do: I will go down in + the road and look at the place for a long time from the outside, and try + to think what it suggests to me.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, miss; and I'm sure I'm grateful for all the trouble you are + taking with my small affairs.” + </p> + <p> + Down I went, and leaned over the wicket-gate, gazing at the unnamed + cottage. The brick pathway was scrubbed as clean as a penny, and the stone + step and the floor of the little kitchen as well. The garden was a maze of + fragrant bloom, with never a weed in sight. The fowl cackled cheerily + still, adding insult to injury, the pet sheep munched grass contentedly, + and the canaries sang in their cages under the vines. Mrs. Bobby settled + herself on the porch with a pan of peas in her neat gingham lap, and all + at once I cried:— + </p> + <p> + “'Comfort Cottage'! It is the very essence of comfort, Mrs. Bobby, even if + there is not absolute peace or rest. Let me paint the signboard for you + this very day.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Bobby was most complacent over the name. She had the greatest + confidence in my judgment, and the characterisation pleased her + housewifely pride, so much so that she flushed with pleasure as she said + that if she 'ad 'er 'ealth she thought she could keep the place looking so + that the passers-by would easily h'understand the name. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XXIII. Tea served here. + </h2> + <p> + It was some days after the naming of the cottage that Mrs. Bobby admitted + me into her financial secrets, and explained the difficulties that + threatened her peace of mind. She still has twenty-five pounds to pay + before Comfort Cottage is really her own. With her cow and her vegetable + garden, to say nothing of her procrastinating fowl, she manages to eke out + a frugal existence, now that her eldest son is in a blacksmith's shop at + Worcester, and is sending her part of his weekly savings. But it has been + a poor season for canaries, and a still poorer one for lodgers; for people + in these degenerate days prefer to be nearer the hotels and the mild + gaieties of the larger settlements. It is all very well so long as I + remain with her, and she wishes fervently that that may be for ever; for + never, she says, eloquently, never in all her Cheltenham and Belvern + experience, has she encountered such a jewel of a lodger as her dear Miss + 'Amilton, so little trouble, and always a bit of praise for her plain + cooking, and a pleasant word for the children, to whom most lodgers + object, and such an interest in the cow and the fowl and the garden and + the canaries, and such kindness in painting the name of the cottage, so + that it is the finest thing in the village, and nobody can get past the + 'ouse without stopping to gape at it! But when her American lodger leaves + her, she asks,—and who is she that can expect to keep a beautiful + young lady who will be naming her own cottage and painting signboards for + herself before long, likely?—but when her American lodger is gone, + how is she, Mrs. Bobby, to put by a few shillings a month towards the debt + on the cottage? These are some of the problems she presents to me. I have + turned them over and over in my mind as I have worked, and even asked + Willie Beresford in my weekly letter what he could suggest. Of course he + could not suggest anything: men never can; although he offered to come + there and lodge for a month at twenty-five pounds a week. All at once, one + morning, a happy idea struck me, and I ran down to Mrs. Bobby, who was + weeding the onion-bed in the back garden. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Bobby,” I said, sitting down comfortably on the edge of the + lettuce-frame, “I am sure I know how you can earn many a shilling during + the summer and autumn months, and you must begin the experiment while I am + here to advise you. I want you to serve five-o'clock tea in your garden.” + </p> + <p> + “But, miss, thanking you kindly, nobody would think of stoppin' 'ere for a + cup of tea once in a twelvemonth.” + </p> + <p> + “You never know what people will do until you try them. People will do + almost anything, Mrs. Bobby, if you only put it into their heads, and this + is the way we shall make our suggestion to the public. I will paint a + second signboard to hang below 'Comfort Cottage.' It will be much more + beautiful than the other, for it shall have a steaming kettle on it, and a + cup and saucer, and the words 'Tea Served Here' underneath, the letters + all intertwined with tea-plants. I don't know how tea-plants look, but + then neither does the public. You will set one round table on the porch, + so that if it threatens rain, as it sometimes does, you know, in England, + people will not be afraid to sit down; and the other you will put under + the yew-tree near the gate. The tables must be immaculate; no spotted, + rumpled cloths and chipped cups at Comfort Cottage, which is to be a + strictly first-class tea station. You will put vases of flowers on the + tables, and you will not mix red, yellow, purple, and blue ones in the + same vase-” + </p> + <p> + “It's the way the good Lord mixes 'em in the fields,” interjected Mrs. + Bobby piously. + </p> + <p> + “Very likely; but you will permit me to remark that the good Lord can + manage things successfully which we poor humans cannot. You will set out + your cream-jug that was presented to Mrs. Martha Buggins by her friends + and neighbours as a token of respect in 1823, and the bowl that was + presented to Mr. Bobby as a sword and shooting prize in 1860, and all your + pretty little odds and ends. You will get everything ready in the kitchen, + so that customers won't have to wait long; but you will not prepare much + in advance, so that there'll be nothing wasted.” + </p> + <p> + “It sounds beautiful in your mouth, miss, and it surely wouldn't be any + 'arm to make a trial of it.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course it won't. There is no inn here where nice people will stop (who + would ever think of asking for tea at the Retired Soldier?), and the + moment they see our sign, in walking or driving past, that moment they + will be consumed with thirst. You do not begin to appreciate our + advantages as a tea station. In the first place, there is a + watering-trough not far from the gate, and drivers very often stop to + water their horses; then we have the lovely garden which everybody + admires; and if everything else fails, there is the baby. Put that faded + pink flannel slip on Jem, showing his tanned arms and legs as usual, tie + up his sleeves with blue bows as you did last Sunday, put my white + tennis-cap on the back of his yellow curls, turn him loose in the + hollyhocks, and await results. Did I not open the gate the moment I saw + him, though there was no apartment sign in the window?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Bobby was overcome by the magic of my arguments, and as there were + positively no attendant risks, we decided on an early opening. The very + next day after the hanging of the second sign, I superintended the + arrangements myself. It was a nice thirsty afternoon, and as I filled the + flower-vases I felt such a desire for custom and such a love of trade + animating me that I was positively ashamed. At three o'clock I went + upstairs and threw myself on the bed for a nap, for I had been sketching + on the hills since early morning. It may have been an hour later when I + heard the sound of voices and the stopping of a heavy vehicle before the + house. I stole to the front window, and, peeping under the shelter of the + vines, saw a char-a-bancs, on the way from Great Belvern to the Beacon. It + held three gentlemen, two ladies, and four children, and everything had + worked precisely as I intended. The driver had seen the watering-trough, + the gentlemen had seen the tea-sign, the children had seen the flowers and + the canaries, and the ladies had seen the baby. I went to the back window + to call an encouraging word to Mrs. Bobby, but to my horror I saw that + worthy woman disappearing at the extreme end of the lane in full chase of + our cow, that had broken down the fence, and was now at large with some of + our neighbour's turnip-tops hanging from her mouth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XXIV. An unlicensed victualler. + </h2> + <p> + Ruin stared us in the face. Were our cherished plans to be frustrated by a + marauding cow, who little realised that she was imperilling her own means + of existence? Were we to turn away three, five, nine thirsty customers at + one fell swoop? Never! None of these people ever saw me before, nor would + ever see me again. What was to prevent my serving them with tea? I had on + a pink cotton gown,—that was well enough; I hastily buttoned on a + clean painting apron, and seizing a freshly laundered cushion cover lying + on the bureau, a square of lace and embroidery, I pinned it on my hair for + a cap while descending the stairs. Everything was right in the kitchen, + for Mrs. Bobby had flown in the midst of her preparations. The loaf, the + bread-knife, the butter, the marmalade, all stood on the table, and the + kettle was boiling. I set the tea to draw, and then dashed to the door, + bowed appetisingly to the visitors, showed them to the tables with a + winning smile (which was to be extra), seated the children maternally on + the steps and laid napkins before them, dashed back to the kitchen, cut + the thin bread-and-butter, and brought it with the marmalade, asked my + customers if they desired cream, and told them it was extra, went back and + brought a tray with tea, boiling water, milk, and cream. Lowering my voice + to an English sweetness, and dropping a few h's ostentatiously as I + answered questions, I poured five cups of tea, and four mugs for the + children, and cut more bread-and-butter, for they were all eating like + wolves. They praised the butter. I told them it was a specialty of the + house. They requested muffins. With a smile of heavenly sweetness tinged + with regret, I replied that Saturday was our muffin day; Saturday, + muffins; Tuesday, crumpets; Thursday, scones; and Friday, tea-cakes. This + inspiration sprang into being full grown, like Pallas from the brain of + Zeus. While they were regretting that they had come on a plain + bread-and-butter day, I retired to the kitchen and made out a bill for + presentation to the oldest man of the party. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + s. d. + Nine teas. . . . 3 6 + Cream . . . . 3 + Bread-and-butter . . 1 0 + Marmalade. . . . 6 + ——- + 5 3 +</pre> + <p> + Feeling five and threepence to be an absurdly small charge for five adult + and four infant teas, I destroyed this immediately, and made out another, + putting each item fourpence more, and the bread-and-butter at one-and-six. + I also introduced ninepence for extra teas for the children, who had had + two mugs apiece, very weak. This brought the total to six shillings and + tenpence, and I was beset by a horrible temptation to add a shilling or + two for candles; there was one young man among the three who looked as if + he would have understood the joke. + </p> + <p> + The father of the family looked at the bill, and remarked quizzically, + “Bond Street prices, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Bond Street service,” said I, curtsying demurely. + </p> + <p> + He paid it without flinching, and gave me sixpence for myself. I was very + much afraid he would chuck me under the chin; they are always chucking + barmaids under the chin in old English novels, but I have never seen it + done in real life. As they strolled down to the gate, the second gentleman + gave me another sixpence, and the nice young fellow gave me a shilling; he + certainly had read the old English novels and remembered them, so I kept + with the children. One of the ladies then asked if we sold flowers. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly,” I replied. + </p> + <p> + “What do you ask for roses?” + </p> + <p> + “Fourpence apiece for the fine ones,” I answered glibly, hoping it was + enough, “thrippence for the small ones; sixpence for a bunch of sweet + peas, tuppence apiece for buttonhole carnations.” + </p> + <p> + Each of the ladies took some roses and mignonette, and the gentlemen, who + did not care for carnations in the least, weakened when I approached + modestly to pin them in their coats, a la barmaid. + </p> + <p> + At this moment one of the children began to tease for a canary. + </p> + <p> + “Have you one for sale?” inquired the fond mother. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, madam.” (I was prepared to sell the cottage by this time.) + </p> + <p> + “What do you ask for them?” + </p> + <p> + Rapid calculation on my part, excessively difficult without pencil and + paper. A canary is three to five dollars in America,—that is, from + twelve shilling to a pound; then at a venture, “From ten shillings to a + guinea, madam, according to the quality of the bird.” + </p> + <p> + “Would you like one for your birthday, Margaret, and do you think you can + feed it and take quite good care of it?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, mamma!” + </p> + <p> + “Have you a cage?” to me inquiringly. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, madam; it is not a new one, but I shall only charge you a + shilling for it.” (Impromptu plan: not knowing whether Mrs. Bobby had any + cages, or if so where she kept them, to remove the canary in Mrs. Bobby's + chamber from the small wooden cage it inhabited, close the windows, and + leave it at large in the room; then bring out the cage and sell it to the + lady.) + </p> + <p> + “Very well, then, please select me a good singer for about twelve + shillings; a very yellow one, please.” + </p> + <p> + I did so. I had no difficulty about the colour; but as the birds all + stopped singing when I put my hand into the cages, I was somewhat at a + loss to choose a really fine performer. I did my best, with the result + that it turned out to be the mother of several fine families, but no + vocalist, and the generous young man brought it back for an exchange some + days afterwards; not only that, but he came three times during the next + week and nearly ruined his nervous system with tea. + </p> + <p> + The party finally mounted the char-a-bancs, just as I was about to offer + the baby for twenty-five pounds, and dirt cheap at that. Meanwhile I gave + the driver a cup of lukewarm tea, for which I refused absolutely to accept + any remuneration. + </p> + <p> + I had cleared the tables before Mrs. Bobby returned, flushed and panting, + with the guilty cow. Never shall I forget that good dame's astonishment, + her mild deprecations, her smiles—nay, her tears—as she + inspected my truly English account and received the silver. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + s. d. + Nine teas. . . . 3 6 + Cream . . . . 7 + Bread-and-butter . . 1 6 + Extra teas. . . . 9 + Marmalade. . . . 6 + Three tips. . . . 2 0 + Four roses and mignonette. 1 8 + Three carnations . . 6 + Canary . . . . 12 0 + Cage . . . . 1 0 + ——— + 24 0 +</pre> + <p> + I told her I regretted deeply putting down the marmalade so low as + sixpence; but as they had not touched it, it did not matter so much, as + the entire outlay for the entertainment had been only about a shilling. On + that modest investment, I considered one pound three shillings a very fair + sum to be earned by an inexperienced 'licensed victualler' like myself, + particularly as I am English only by adoption, and not by birth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter XXV. Et ego in Arcadia vixit. + </h2> + <p> + I essayed another nap after this exciting episode. I heard the gate open + once or twice, but a single stray customer, after my hungry and generous + horde, did not stir my curiosity, and I sank into a refreshing slumber, + dreaming that Willie Beresford and I kept an English inn, and that I was + the barmaid. This blissful vision had been of all too short duration when + I was awakened by Mrs. Bobby's apologetic voice. + </p> + <p> + “It is too bad to disturb you, miss, but I've got to go and patch up the + fence, and smooth over the matter of the turnips with Mrs. Gooch, who is + that snorty I don't know 'ow ever I can pacify her. There is nothing for + you to do, miss, only if you'll kindly keep an eye on the customer at the + yew-tree table. He's been here for 'alf an hour, miss, and I think more + than likely he's a foreigner, by his actions, or may be he's not quite + right in his 'ead, though 'armless. He has taken four cups of tea, miss, + and Billy saw him turn two of them into the 'olly'ocks. He has been + feeding bread-and-butter to the dog, and now the baby is on his knee, + playing with his fine gold watch. He gave me a 'alf-a-crown and refused to + take a penny change; but why does he stop so long, miss? I can't help + worriting over the silver cream-jug that was my mother's.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Bobby disappeared. I rose lazily, and approached the window to keep + my promised eye on the mysterious customer. I lifted back the purple + clematis to get a better view. + </p> + <p> + It was Willie Beresford! He looked up at my ejaculation of surprise, and, + dropping the baby as if it had been a parcel, strode under the window. + </p> + <p> + I (gasping). “How did you come here?” + </p> + <p> + He. “By the usual methods, dear.” + </p> + <p> + I. “You shouldn't have come without asking. Where are all your fine + promises? What shall I do with you? Do you know there isn't an hotel + within four miles?” + </p> + <p> + He. “That is nothing; it was four hundred miles that I couldn't endure. + But give me a less grudging welcome than this, though I am like a starving + dog that will snatch any morsel thrown to him! It is really autumn, + Penelope, or it will be in a few days. Say you are a little glad to see + me.” + </p> + <p> + (The sight of him so near, after my weeks of loneliness, gave me a feeling + so sudden, so sweet, and so vivid that it seemed to smite me first on the + eyes, and then in the heart; and at the first note of his convincing voice + Doubt picked up her trailing skirts and fled for ever.) + </p> + <p> + I. “Yes, if you must know it, I am glad to see you; so glad, indeed, that + nothing in the world seems to matter so long as you are here.” + </p> + <p> + He (striding a little nearer, and looking about involuntarily for a + ladder). “Penelope, do you know the penalty of saying such sweet things to + me?” + </p> + <p> + I. “Perhaps it is because I know the penalty that I'm committing the + offence. Besides, I feel safe in saying anything in this second-story + window.” + </p> + <p> + He. “Don't pride yourself on your safety unless you wish to see me + transformed into a nineteenth-century Romeo, to the detriment of Mrs. + Bobby's creepers. I can look at you for ever, dear, in your pink gown and + your purple frame, unless I can do better. Won't you come down?” + </p> + <p> + I. “I like it very much up here.” + </p> + <p> + He. “You would like it very much down here, after a little. So you didn't + 'paint me out,' after all?” + </p> + <p> + I. “No; on the contrary, I painted you in, to every twig and flower, every + hill and meadow, every sunrise and every sunset.” + </p> + <p> + He. “You MUST come down! The distance between Belvern and Aix when I was + not sure that you loved me was nothing compared to having you in a second + story when I know that you do. Come down, Pen! Pretty Pen!” + </p> + <p> + I. “Suppose we compromise. My sitting-room is just below; will you walk in + and look at my sketches until I come? You needn't ring; the bell is + overgrown with honeysuckle and there is no one to answer it; it might + almost be an American hotel, but it is Arcadia!” + </p> + <p> + He. “It is Paradise; and alas! here comes the serpent!” + </p> + <p> + I. “It isn't a serpent; it is the kindest landlady in England.—Mrs. + Bobby, this gentleman is a dear friend of mine from America. Mr. + Beresford, this is Mrs. Bobby, the most comfortable hostess in the world, + and the owner of the cottage, the canaries, the tea-tables, and the baby.—The + reason Mr. Beresford was so thirsty, Mrs. Bobby, was that he has walked + here from Great Belvern, so we must give him some supper before he + returns.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. B. “Certainly, miss, he shall have the best in the 'ouse, you can + depend upon that.” + </p> + <p> + He. “Don't let me interfere with your usual arrangements. I am not hungry—for + food; I shall do very well until I get back to the hotel.” + </p> + <p> + I. “Indeed you will not, sir! Billy shall pull some tomatoes and lettuce, + Tommy shall milk the cow, and Mrs. Bobby shall make you a savory omelet + that Delmonico might envy. Hark! Is that our fowl cackling? It is,—at + half-past six! She heard me mention omelet and she must be calling, 'Now I + lay me down to sleep.'” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + . . . . +</pre> + <p> + But all that is many days ago, and there are no more experiences to relate + at present. We are making history very fast, Willie Beresford and I, but + much of it is sacred history, and so I cannot chronicle it for any one's + amusement. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Beresford is here, or at least she is in Great Belvern, a few miles + distant. I am not painting, these latter days. I have turned the artist + side of my nature to the wall just for a bit, and the woman side is having + full play. I do not know what the world will think about it, if it stops + to think at all, but I feel as if I were 'right side out' for the first + time in my life; and when I take up my brushes again, I shall have a new + world within from which to paint,—yes, and a new world without. + </p> + <p> + Good-bye, dear Belvern! Autumn and winter may come into my life, but + whenever I think of you it will be summer-time in my heart. I shall hear + the tinkle of the belled sheep on the hillsides; inhale the fragrance of + the flowering vine that climbed in at my cottage window; relive in memory + the days when Love and I first walked together, hand in hand. Dear days of + happy idleness; of dreaming dreams and seeing visions; of morning walks + over the hills; of 'bread-and-cheese and kisses' at noon, with kind Mrs. + Bobby hovering like a plump guardian angel over the simple feast; + afternoon tea under the friendly shades of the yew-tree, and parting at + the wicket-gate. I can see him pass the clock-tower, the little + greengrocer shop, the old stocks, the green pump; then he is at the turn + of the road where the stone wall and the hawthorn hedge will presently + hide him from my view. I fly up to my window, push back the vines, catch + his last wave of the hand. I would call him back, if I dared; but it would + be no easier to let him go the second time, and there is always to-morrow. + Thank God for to-morrow! And if there should be no to-morrow? Then thank + God for to-day! And so good-bye again, dear Belvern! It was in the lap of + your lovely hills that Penelope first knew das irdische Gluck; that she + first loved, first lived; forgot how to be artist, in remembering how to + be woman. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1278 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |