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diff --git a/old/12738.txt b/old/12738.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..da9a26c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12738.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1625 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +November 29, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., November 29, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 25, 2004 [EBook #12738] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +November 29, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. VIII--JONNIE. + + (_Par_ DICK DODY, _Auteur de "Le Nabab Boffin-Newcome," + "Madame de Marneffe Jeune et Rawdon Crawley Commercant," + "Trente Ans a prendre mon bien partout," "La Lie de mon + Encrier," "Raclure des Petits Journaux," &c, &c._) + +I.--LE HIGLIFE SCOLASTIQUE. + +Le recteur regardait avec un air egrillard le museau chiffonne de la +jolie Madame COPPERFIELD, qui desirait lui confier son petit garcon +comme eleve dans l'institution la plus distinguee de tout Paris, une +maison ou chaque enfant devait apporter dans sa petite malle trois +couverts en vermeille, et un trousseau de six douzaines de chemises +en batiste fine; une maison ou les extras, les vin d'oporto, les +beef-tea, les sandwich, souvent depassaient la pension. + +"Voyons, ma belle dame," dit le recteur, "comment s'appelle-t'il--ce +petit mome--pardon--ce cher enfant?" + +"DOMBEY, Monsieur, JONNIE DOMBEY. JONNIE sans l'H." + +"Il est noble?" + +"Mais, non, Monsieur. Son pere etait banquier, financier, que sais-je! +Il faisait des affaires enormes--gigantesques! Il regardait les +ROTHSCHILD comme de nouveaux venus--il--" et la gentille petite +COPPERFIELD se perdait dans un labyrinthe de phrases, et se refugiait +dans une enorme houppe a poudre-Sarah, qu'elle portait toujours dans +son manchon. + +[Illustration: JACK CUIVRECHAMP SE FAIT RECONNAITRE PAR MLLE. +ELISABETH TROTTEBOIS.] + +"Mais il n'etait pas noble," dit le recteur, avec durete; "je +regrette fort, Madame, de ne pouvoir accepter votre petit gosse--votre +fils--comme eleve; mais cette institution scolastique est des plus +_fashionables_ de Paris. Si vous aviez une petite couronne de Marquise +sur votre carte de visite, si vous etiez descendue d'une voiture +blasonnee aux chevaux fringants, avec cocher en perruque spun-glass, +mes bras de pere spirituel se seraient ouverts avec effusion pour +accueillir cet enfant. Mais vous portez sur votre oarte un nom +suspect, et vous etes arrivee en voiture de place. Ainsi avec la +plus haute consideration je dois vous prier de prendre la peine +de debarrasser le plancher. Adieu, mon petit bonhomme. Tu as l'air +scrofuleux mais charmant." + +Madame COPPERFIELD, qui etait entree comme Zephire partit comme Boree. +Sa robe de soie faisait un frou-frou prodigieux dans le vestibule. +Elle monta dans la voiture au cheval etique, aux coussins moisis, +tirant le petit JONNIE avec une violence hysterique. + +"Parceque tu n'est pas fils de Marquis on m'outrage," elle dit, +fondant en larmes. "Et pourquoi n'est-tu pas fils de Marquis, petite +brute? Moi, je ne sais pas." + +Le petit DOMBEY sautait sur les genoux de sa mere; il la consolait, +et quelques instants plus tard mere et fils sucaient emsemble un grand +morceau de butter-scotch, pendant que la petite ecervelee considerait +le costume qu'elle devait porter le soir au Bal Bullier. + +II.--UN GYMNASE A TOUTES LES COULEURS. + +MADAME COPPERFIELD ne se tenait pas pour vaincue sur cette question +d'une pension pour le petit. Sa cuisiniere lui soufflait le nom d'un +Monsieur SQUEERS qui habitait dans les environs de Clichy, et cette +fois c'etait la cuisiniere qui conduisait le petit JONNNIE chez son +alumnus; et la cuisiniere ne faisait pas de facons; c'etait a prendre +ou a laisser. + +Le bon SQUEERS, qui avait habite auparavant le Yorkshire, avait +developpe une goutte de sang negre, et s'etait etabli avec la seconde +Madame SQUEERS (soeur cadette de la respectable Madame MICAWBER) dans +les environs de Clichy. Malheureusement il n'avait pas oublie son +systeme anglais, et quoiqu'il faisait bien des raffinements sur les +rudes et franches pratiques de Dotheboys, le systeme etait au fond le +meme. Il lui fallait toujours sa victime--son SMIKE. A Dotheboys le +SMIKE etait blanc, et s'attachait a NICHOLAS, le pion; a Clichy le +SMIKE etait noir, mais c'etait toujours bien SMIKE, qui entrait dans +la pension bien vetu, ses frais payes ponctuellement, et qui tombait +bien bas, jusqu'a balayer le plancher, et a servir a table. Et plus +tard le SMIKE noir devait mourir accable de cruautes, d'une mort +encore plus larmoyante et plus terrible que la douce phthisie du +SMIKE blanc. Il est mort dans la seconde maniere de DICKENS, plus +travaillee, plus tendue que le style jeune et fort de NICKLEBY. + +III.--CE QU'ON APPELLE UN BEAU-PERE. + +Il n'y a pas loin du premier chapitre dans la vie de JONNIE jusqu'a +l'entree de MURDSTONE--le MURDSTONE francais, dur, mais poete, ainsi +plus frivole que le MURDSTONE anglais. Mais, puisque pour le petit +ARRIE tout ce qu'il y a de penible dans l'histoire de son petit cousin +anglais doit s'augmenter, le MURDSTONE francais a des traits des +NERON et des CALIGULA. Naturellement le jeune DOMBEY, se souvenant +des escapades du cousin, fait son petit voyage d'enfant--une fuite +de la pension jusqu'a la maison maternelle ou la petite dame s'est +installee en secondes noces avec MURDSTONE D'ARGENTON, le poete. Alors +commencent l'education de l'enfant par le beau-pere, les larmes de la +mere, le martyre du petit. Que de gifles; que de dictionnaires lances +a la tete du chetif bambin! + +"Faut qu'il aille quelque part gagner sa vie," dit MURDSTONE, qui +s'enrageait de plus en plus, a cause de deux incommodites dans leur +vie de famille, la premiere que lui, MURDSTONE, n'avait pas le genie +d'ALFRED DE MUSSET, la seconde que l'enfant avait un rhume de cerveau +incurable. "Envoyez-le laver les bouteilles chez un marchand de vins," +proposait un ami de la maison. + +"Mais, non, cela ne serait pas assez dur," repondit le poete. "Je suis +fache qu'il n'y ait plus a Londres ce bon systeme de ramoneurs-garcons +qu'on faisait bruler vifs quelquefois dans les cheminees. Faute de +cela je le mettrai sur la voie ferree, a graisser les roues avec son +petit pot de pommade jaune--et si par hasard il se faisait ecraser par +un train--tant pis pour lui." + +Il etait grand garcon maintenant, ce joli petit JONNIE du premier +chapitre, et avant de partir pour se perdre entre les Parias du pot a +graisse sur la ligne d'Est, il s'enhardit jusqu'a questionner sa mere +sur un sujet qu'elle avait approche de temps en temps gentillement du +bout des levres, en lui soufflant des idees romanesques, des visions +de ducs espagnols et de millionnaires anglais. + +"Dis done, p'tite Maman, comment s'appelait-il, mon pere?" + +"Mais, mon cheri, naturellement, il s'appelait COPPERFIELD." + +"Mais, Maman, tu me disais autrefois qu'il etait DOMBEY, un grand +financier, riche a millions. Se peut-il que de DOMBEY je sois devenu +COPPERFIELD?" + +La pauvre inconsequente sanglotait avec vehemence--"Mon JONNIE, je +te trompais. DOMBEY, le financier raide et hautain, n'a jamais existe +dans la vie reelle. C'etait un mannequin en bois. Ton pere etait +DICKENS, le grand romancier anglais. Il est mort avant ta naissance. +Sans lui tu ne serais pas." + + * * * * * + +TO A CORRESPONDENT.--We do not think you are wise to have asked a +large circle of distinguished French sporting friends to bring their +rods over with a view to salmon-fishing in the Serpentine. Trout, +there may be; no doubt, there are, but we have some doubts about +salmon. Your suggestion that if you can't get a rise you might perhaps +"bang away" at the waterfowl, certainly has a more promising sound, +but we would advise you to commence your sport early, for fear of +hitting the bathers. You will require the permission of the Duke of +CAMBRIDGE. This you will get through any Park-keeper. + + * * * * * + +MR. MANTALINI ON THE LINCOLN CASE.--"And both were right, and neither +wrong, upon my life and soul, O demmit!"--_Nicholas Nickleby_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FINAL TEST. + +_Bellona_ (_to the "Times" and Mr. Stanhope_). "I SUPPOSE, +GENTLEMEN, YOU DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR _ME_ TO SETTLE THE +QUESTION!" + +TOMMY ATKINS, _loquitur_:-- + + Oh, where and _wot_ am I? A spindle-shank'd stripling, + As blue-gilled old Tory ex-Colonels protest? + Or a 'ero, as pictured by young RUDYARD KIPLING, + Six foot in my socks, forty-inch round the chest? + I'm blowed if _I_ know arter all the discussion. + But if I'm the cove as they're going to trust, + To give good account of yer Frenchy or Russian, + At least they'd best give me a gun as won't _bust_. + They've bin fighting this battle of barrels and breeches,-- + Ah yus, from the days of our poor old Brown Bess, + And wot's the result as their 'speriments teaches? + They'd better jest settle it sharp-like, I guess. + If once of a rattlin' good rifle I'm owner, + A thing as won't jack-up or jam, I don't care. + But if they stand squabblin' till Missis BELLONER + Puts in _'er_ appearance, there'll be a big scare. + Ah, she's the true "Expert"; wuth fifty Committees! + But then '_er_ decision means money--and blood. + Wot price TOMMY ATKINS, _then_? Everyone pities + His fate, when he's snuffed it, and pity's no good. + Whether STANHOPE is right, or the _Times_, I ain't sayin'; + But here Marm BELLONER gives both a big hint, + As it's rayther a touch-and-go game they are playin', + And TOMMY, he thinks she is right,--plain as print!] + + * * * * * + +"SIC ITUR AD ASTRA!" + +Look out for _Mr. Punch Among the Planets_! He is a Star of the +first magnitude, and the above is the title of his Christmas Number. +It will issue from, to use astrological language, the House of +BRADBURY-AGNEW-&-CO., although the sidereal and celestial subjects +of the forthcoming Christmas Number are suggestive of the old days +of "BRADBURY and Heavens." + + * * * * * + +THREE TASTES. + +I. + + My pipe, he tastes of turpentine-- + He is a penny pipe-- + A taste that every pipe of mine + Has when he is not ripe. + I bought him at a little shop + Where they sell fruit and cheese, + Tobacco, toys, and ginger-pop, + And said, "A _cheap_ pipe, please." + + It was a maiden sold him me, + And she was proud and cold; + She'd briar pipes at two-and-three + For them that squandered gold; + She'd one that had a leather case. + Item, a curly stem; + And cheap pipes make her shrug her face, + She had such scorn of them. + +II. + + My pipe he tastes of cherry now; + Gone, like the foam of wine, + Gone, like the mist from mountain-brow, + Gone is that turpentine. + With the pure herb I feel it blend-- + That charm of cherry-wood, + And smoke him six times straight on end, + Because he is so good. + + And yet my aunt gets up, and sniffs, + And therewith wags her head; + And warns me in between the whiffs + That I shall soon be dead; + And says excessive smoking must + Debase and bring me low, + She makes herself offensive, just + Because she loves me so. + +III. + + My pipe, he tastes of chocolate, + And he has grown so dear so dear, + That I get up at half-past eight + And smoke till night is here. + My aunt informs me that the smell + Is ranker than before-- + I could not love her half so well + Loved I not baccy more. + + The female mind! The female mind! + How beautiful it is! + And yet it has to sit behind + When it's compared with this-- + This taste that falls upon my pipe, + That calms when woman clacks, + In the sweet season when he's ripe, + And just before he cracks. + + * * * * * + +THE MAGIC HORSE. + +(_A PARALLEL NOT TO BE PUSHED TOO FAR._) + +[Illustration] + + ["You are likewise to understand that MALAMBRUNO told me that, + whenever fortune should direct me to the knight who was to be + our deliverer, he would send him a steed--not like the vicious + jades let out for hire, for it should be that very wooden + horse upon which PETER of Provence carried off the fair + MAGALONA.... MALAMBRUNO, by his art, has now got possession + of him, and by this means posts about to every port of the + world." + + "Hoodwink thyself, _Sancho_," said _Don Quixote_, "and get + up.... And supposing the success of the adventure should not + be equal to our hopes, yet of the glory of so brave an attempt + no malice can deprive us.... The whole company raised their + voices at once, calling out, 'Speed you well, valorous + Knight! heaven guide thee, undaunted Squire! Now you fly + aloft!'"--_Adventures of Don Quixote_.] + + Yes, "Speed you well, most valorous Knight! + Heaven guide you!"--and sound sense inspire you! + Small marvel that our land's black blight + Of want and misery should fire you, + Or any man whose heart will mourn + More for wrecked lives than broken crockery. + This picture is not shaped in scorn, + Nor meant in mockery. + + La Mancha's Knight, though brave, was blind, + Squire _Sancho_ just a trifle credulous, + But our dear Don was nobly kind, + And in the cause of suffering sedulous. + If, mounting MALAMBRUNO's steed, + He showed more sanguine than sagacious, + He was not moved by huckster greed, + Or pride edacious. + + But "with what bridle is he led? + And with what halter is he guided?" + Asked _Sancho_, rubbing his clown's head. + So they who have the least derided + Your plan for floating "the submerged," + Colossal, costly, wide extending, + Feel some few questions may be urged, + Without offending. + + Benevolence the crupper mounts, + His arms, like _Sancho's_, from behind fold; + But it would seem, from all accounts, + He, like _Don Quixote's_ Squire, rides blindfold; + It may be to most glorious ends, + It may be to disastrous spillings. + Sense fain would know before it spends + Its hard-earned shillings. + + If all were genuine that is Big, + If all were sound that's well intended, + _Quixote's_ wild jaunt and _Sancho's_ jig + Would very differently have ended. + Zeal boldly mounts the Magic Horse, + Charity on behind holds tightly, + Who will not wish them skill and force + To guide it rightly? + + But Human Life's a complex maze, + And Nature's laws are most despotic. + Vice is not killed by kindly craze. + Nor suffering quelled by zeal Quixotic. + Big questions the Big Scheme beset. + Bid Pity _think_, and do not ask it + Too blindly all its eggs to get + In one huge basket. + + Philanthropy, which facts will school, + Is not a theme for mocking merriment. + As MORLEY says, he is the fool + Who never ventures bold experiment. + Against the ills our State that shake, + The spectre Vice, Want the pale ogress, + _Punch_ hopes the Magic Horse may make + Practical progress. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, MARK, BUT I CAN'T HIT A BIRD +TO-DAY!" + +"LET'S SEE YOUR GUN, SIR. AH!--WELL, I'D TRY WHAT YOU COULD DO _WITH +SOME CARTRIDGES IN IT_, IF I WAS YOU, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +RIGHT-DOING ON THE RIALTO; + +OR, THE MODERN SHYLOCK. + +(_A SHORT SHAKESPEARIAN SEQUEL._) + + _Enter the_ MODERN SHYLOCK _and_ BARINGO BROTHERS. + +_Shylock_. Five Millions sterling for three months? And this + You say, they will advance, if you can show + Sufficient guarantee? + +_Baringo_. Indeed 'tis so. + +_Shy._ Well, well! But how comes it about that you + Whose honoured name has so long held the sway + Of all safe dealing, that men only asked, + "If a BARINGO backed it," to take up + Unquestioning the newest stock,--should thus + With sudden flash flare up and set in blaze + The whole commercial world? + +_Bar._ Oh! press me not, + Nor question me too closely! "_Argentines_!" + That fatal word sums up the evil spell + That in these latter luckless days has fallen + Upon our swaying House. + +_Shy._ I see your case! + A cry for gold finds you all unprepared, + Your capital locked up beyond the seas. + You cannot realise. + +_Bar._ Alas! too true! + That is the situation! + +_Shy._ Badly done! + Ah! it has been a sorry piece of work, + Your "management." + +_Bar._ I bow my head to that! + But you will lend your aid? You'll pull us through? + +_Shy._ Listen, BARINGO. Many a time and oft + In this English land men have rated me + About my moneys and my usuries. + But that is long ago; the times have changed, + And feeling in more righteous channel set, + Now turns itself in flood to sweep away + The wrongs of vanished years. Nay, more than this. + But yesterday one of my ancient race, + Filled, with his Christian colleagues' heartiest will, + The civic throne; and at this very hour + A protest from all classes in the land + From low and high, from peasant and from peer, + Goes forth to plead with the despotic power + That 'neath brute persecution's iron heel + Would trample out my brethren's life. So, there, + Which way I look I meet a greeting hand. + So, not repeating here the vengeful plot + Of the old _Shylock_ of the play; without + My pound of flesh or pound of anything,-- + But solely for the bond of brotherhood + That should link loyal workers in one field, + Count on my help in this your stress--for I + Will be your guarantee! + +_Bar._ You will! Oh, thanks + For such blest help! + +_Shy._ Such help is only right,-- + So say no more! + +_Bar._ (_aside_.) Thank Heaven! _That + Ends our plight!_ + + [_Dances wild fandango of delight as Curtain descends._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Here are some regular sea-breezy Nautical stories for our youthful +Islanders. _From Middy to Admiral of the Fleet_, by Dr. MACAULAY, +which is a good long step; but this is the life of Commodore ANSON. +_Up North in a Whaler_, by EDWARD A. RAND; a pleasant little trip +for the Summer holidays--not inviting now--but try it later. Messrs. +HUTCHINSON & Co. also publish "_The Low-Back'd Car_," by SAMUEL +LOVER--an old Song in a fresh setting of charming Illustrations, by W. +MAGRATH. "We don't kill a pig every day!" But just for once and away +get _My Prague Pig_, by S. BARING GOULD. W. CLARK RUSSELL's _Master +Rockafellar's Voyage_, recommended. + +To the ambitious young entertainer, _Magic at Home_, translated by +Professor HOFFMAN, will be a source of delight, and if some of the +experiments should lead to slight temporary inconvenience, it will +only help to pass a more cheerful evening than usual. + +[Illustration: The Mirror of Justice.] + +For drawing-room plays apply to GEORGE ROUTLEDGE, who publishes a set, +one of which, _Acting Charades and Proverbs_, by ANNE BOWMAN, will be +found very useful. A Bowman hits the mark. + +Those who know their London _au bout des angles_, can tell you of +many quaint spots of beauty, which may be seen when it is not quite +enveloped in a cheerful fog, though several of the more ancient +landmarks are fast vanishing; yet in _Picturesque London_, by PERCY +FITZGERALD, M.A., F.S.A., will be found a happy collection of all the +most taking parts, both in odd corners, and interesting structures. +Charming illustrations by HUME, NISBET, and HERBERT RAILTON. + +Christmas special numbers are not exactly up to date; they are turned +out so early that by the time they ought to be seasonable, they are +almost ancient history. _The Ladies' Pictorial_ is filled with short +stories by popular authors, which are well illustrated. + +The earlier part of _My Life_, by SIDNEY COOPER, R.A., is very +interesting, as must almost always be the story of the early career +of such an ancient mariner as is this well-known animal-painter. There +must be a halo of romance about recollections which no one living can +or cares to contradict. When these biographical reminiscences come +within the memory of middle-aged men, then this said memory doth run +somewhat to the contrary of that of the veteran painter who put the +cart before the horse, so to speak, in his artistic career, seeing +that he commenced with carriages and ended with cows. As far as _Mr. +Punch_ is concerned, the Baron has already denied that DOUGLAS JERROLD +was ever the Editor of _Mr. P.'s_ paper; and Mr. COOPER's account of +the _Punch_ dinners must be taken with the contents of a well-filled +salt-cellar, as Mr. SIDNEY COOPER was never present at any one of +them. Inaccurately he attributes a repartee of THACKERAY's to DOUGLAS +JERROLD; and the well-known retort of JERROLD to ALBERT SMITH he gives +so incorrectly, that in this instance the Attic salt has lost its +savour. There is too much soft-soapiness in his reminiscences of +personal interviews with Royalty to please robust readers. Judging +from the latter portion of the second volume, wherein, as I should +take it, there is considerable "padding," it would seem that "the aged +P." has already secured an excellent position among "the immortals." +Hitherto it was generally supposed that of the arts Music alone would +survive _in saecula saeculorum_; but perhaps, after all, Painting has a +chance, and especially animal painting, even though the animals may be +allegorical. With its pardonable defects of memory, and its occasional +touch of Royal Windsor Livery complaint, the reminiscences of SIDNEY +COOPER, R.A., are pleasant and, of the first volume especially be it +said, interesting reading. + +_The Auld Scotch Songs_, arranged by SINCLAIR DUNN. Well, DUNN, sing +clair! + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +(_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._) + +NO. VI.--"AN ALARMING SACRIFICE"--SOMEWHERE! + + SCENE I.--_A Suburban Drawing-room, old-fashionedly furnished; + brightly-bound books scattered about a solid, sombre-covered + table; oil portraits of elderly, stiffly attitudinising + couple on the walls; a general atmosphere of simple, pietistic + propriety. Present,_ EDWIN _and_ ANGELINA, _a modest, but + deeply-enamoured pair, shortly about to be married._ + +_Edwin_ (_after the regulation ceremonial_). My dearest ANGELINA, I +have something here which I think will greatly simplify the business +of house-furnishing, that has so deeply occupied us lately. + +[Illustration] + +ANGELINA (_flushing tenderly_). Oh, EDWIN, _have_ you? How nice, dear! +And what is it? + +_Edwin_ (_eagerly_). Quite providential, I call it. You know, dearest, +I've saved three hundred pounds for the express purpose; and here +is an advertisement, according to which, for about that sum, we can +secure a complete fit-out for our little villa, which, I think, will +exactly suit us. Quite an exceptional chance, as the advertiser +says. A gentleman, lately arrived in this country from India, is +unexpectedly compelled to return immediately. Consequently he +is obliged to dispose _at once_ of his lately-purchased house of +furniture, _at a great sacrifice_. It is as good as new, in fact, has +hardly been used at all; is elegant and substantial, and can be seen +any day at Vamp Villa, Barnsbury, upon presentation of visiting-card. +Suppose, dearest ANGY, we run over to-morrow afternoon, and have a +look at it? Such a chance--in the very nick of time, too--may never +occur again! + +_Angelina_. Oh, EDWIN, _how_ fortunate! Should it suit us, what a lot +of trouble it will save! + +_Edwin_. And money, too, darling, for the prices seem to be _very_ +low. I'm so glad you agree, dear. + +_Angelina_ (_with effusion_). Of _course_ I do, EDWIN. And (_with +tender glance at one of the oil pictures_) how delighted dear Mamma +will be! [_Osculation, appointment, and exit_. + + SCENE II.--_Mysterious-looking Villa at Barnsbury, permeated + by strong smell of French-polish and fusty straw. Large "House + to Let" boards and posters prominently disposed. Present._ + EDWIN _and_ ANGELINA, _and a blandly loquacious person, in + black broadcloth, with a big foolscap-paper Inventory, and a + blunt-pointed pencil._ + +_Loquacious Person_ (_fluently_). Why you see, Madam, Mr. PAWNEE +LIVERLESS 'ad to leave for Bombay early yesterday mornin', and was +therefore obliged to leave the sale of his furniture in our hands. +But he is an old client of ours, Mr. LIVERLESS is, and he has given us +_carte blanche_ as regards the disposition of his effects. Only they +_must_ be sold at once. A retired Colonel at Notting Hill, who seemed +_very_ sweet on the bargain, promised me a decided answer by twelve +o'clock to-day. It has not come, and I am free to negotiate with +the next comer for the furniture as it stands, provided an immediate +settlement can be arrived at. _Wait_ I cannot, but in any other +pertikler I shall be only _too_ 'appy to meet your views. + +_Edwin_. I see the furniture is quite new? + +_L.P._ (_with cheery candour_). Well, no Sir, not quite. Oh, I'll not +deceive you! It has been in use a few months, and, as you see, is none +the worse for _that_. Better, if anything, being fully tested as to +seasoning. I need 'ardly tell _you_, Sir, that new furniture nowadays +is a ticklish thing to invest in. _Such_ tricks, my dear Sir, _such_ +nefarious dodges and artful fakements! (_Sighs._) But--(_taking up a +chair and banging it vigorously but adroitly on the floor_)--_this_ +is stuff you can depend on, and 'll be better three years hence than +it is to-day. This saddle-bag _sweet_, Madam, is simply luxurious, +good enough for any doocal dinin'-room; the carpets throughout +are as elegantly hesthetick in design, as they are substantial in +fabric, whilst the--ahem! sleeping apartments, are perfect pickters +of combined solidity and chaste elegance. _I_ always say, that as +a real gentleman is known by his linen, so the 'ome of a party +of true taste may be tested by the bed-rooms. You'll excuse me, +Madam--(_smirks_)--but such are _my_ sentiments, _not_ as a salesman, +but as a family man. + + [L.P. _takes_ EDWIN _and_ ANGELINA _the round of the + house, expatiating glowingly but discreetly as he goes, and + ultimately effects sale of the "furniture as it stands" for + a liberally proffered "ten-pun note off the advertised sum + tottle."_ + + SCENE III.--_Interior of Greengage Villa_. ANGELINA (_now_ + Mrs. CANOODLE) _discovered in tears over the wreck of a + "Saddlebag" Sofa, very shaky as to legs, and shabby as to + "pile."_ + +_Angelina_ (_sobbing_). And to think that _dear_ EDWIN should have +spent his long savings on such wretched stuff as _this_! Oh, that +talkative but treacherous tout at Vamp Villa! Why, 'tis only six +months since we were married--(_bohoo!_)--and there's scarcely a thing +in the house that's not either shaky, or shabby, or both! + + [_Breaks down._ + +_Edwin_ (_entering with a flushed face, and clenched fists_). ANGY, +my darling, _don't_ waste your tears over that vile combination of +unseasoned timber and devil's-dust. Rather pluck up a spirit and +pitch into _me_, who was fool enough to be tricked by a plausible +advertisement, a scheming vendor of shoddy furniture, a hired villa, +a verbose villain, and the thrice-told tale of a mythical "Indian +gentleman," an imaginary "emergency," and a purely supposititious +"sacrifice." [_Left lamenting._ + + * * * * * + +"A DANIEL!" + +[Illustration: G.O.M. DANIEL in the Irish Lions' Den.] + +Years ago, when BRITON RIVIERE painted his picture of "_Daniel in the +Lions' Den_," which foppishly-speaking men would speak of as "_Deniel +in the Lions' Dan_," public curiosity was aroused by the fact that +DANIEL was facing the lions with his back to the spectators. Of +course, in this instance, the public mind is not exercised by the +problem which was put to the Showman by an inquiring small boy, in the +memorable formula of inquiry, "Please, Sir, which is DANIEL, and which +is the Lions?" as never, for one moment, could there have existed, in +the densest brain, the smallest doubt as to the identity of the Hebrew +Seer. Should the question now be put by an intending purchaser, Mr. +WILLIAM AGNEW has only to give an adaptation of the historic reply, +and say, "Whichever you like, my little dear; _if_ you pay your money, +you may take your choice." + +Now in this grand picture there is no sort of doubt, "no possible +doubt whatever," as to which is DANIEL and which are the Lions; but +there must arise in the spectator's mind the question, _Who was the +painter's model for this figure of_ DANIEL? To this there can be but +one answer, "the G.O.M." This is the painter's model for DANIEL. Here +he stands looking up towards the opening and seeing daylight. His +hands are tied by the bonds of a majority against him. As for the +Lions they may be Irish Lions, who may be thinking of another grand +old DAN, The Liberator, but who, once upon a time, in the good old +Kilmainham Gaol days, would have fallen upon this G.O.M. and torn him +in pieces; not so now. It is a grand picture. + + * * * * * + +"WHO'S YOUR HATTER?" OR, SIDE-LIGHTS ON ECCLESIASTICAL HISTORY.--Years +ago, the great Ritual Case was that of Mr. BENNETT, of St. Barnabas, +Pimlico. Now the most recent is the Archbishop's decision in the +Lincoln Case. The two may be quoted henceforth as "'The Lincoln and +Bennett Cases,' which cover a variety of heads." + + * * * * * + +"HERE WE GO UP, UP, UP!"--_Mr. Punch_ with Time visits the Heavenly +Bodies. Special Stars engaged for Christmas Entertainment. Look +out for _Mr. Punch's_ Christmas Number, entitled _Punch Among the +Planets._ For once _Toby_ will be Sirius. + + * * * * * + +SHORTLY TO APPEAR.--Companion Volume to _Oceana_. New Work, by C.S. +P-RN-LL, entitled, _O'Sheana_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BANK HOLIDAY WIT. + +_Mamma_. "COME ALONG, DARLINGS!" + +_'Arry_. "ALL RIGHT, MISS! JUST WAIT TILL WE'VE 'AD A DRINK!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PARLIAMENTARY "ANCIENT MARINER." + +(_FRAGMENTS FROM THE LATEST RENDERING OF THE OLD RIME._) + +[Sidenote: An Ancient Mariner meeteth Three Guests bidden to St. +Stephen's and detaineth one.] + + It is an ancient Mariner, + And he stoppeth one of three. + "By thy scant gray looks and glittering eye, + Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?" + + "St. Stephen's doors are open wide, + My duty lies within; + M.P.'s are met, the programme's set, + May'st hear the Irish din." + + He holds him with his sinewy hand, + "There was a ship," quoth he. + "Hold off! unhand me, Ancient One!" + Eftsoons his hand dropt he. + +[Sidenote: St. Stephen's Guest is spell-bound by the eye of the Grand +Old Seafaring Man, and constrained to hear his tale.] + + He holds him with his glittering eye-- + St. Stephen's Guest stands still, + And listens, like Midlothian's mob. + The Mariner hath his will. + + St. Stephen's Guest stands like a stone. + He cannot chuse but hear; + And thus outspeaks that ancient man, + The bright-eyed Mariner. + + Our ship was cheered, the harbour cleared + Merrily did we drop + Below the Kirk, Tory ill-will + Our vessel might not stop. + +[Sidenote: The Mariner tells how his new-launched Craft, after some +adverse gales, sailed northward, with a good wind, and fair weather.] + + The sun arose, that erst had left + Our Home-Rule argosy, + And he shone bright, our course was right, + The "flowing tide" ran free. + + Higher and higher every day + Our sun shone bright and clear-- + St. Stephen's Guest here beat his breast, + For he heard the loud "Hear! Hear!" + +[Sidenote: St. Stephen's Guest heareth that business is toward within; +but the monologuising Mariner continueth his tale.] + + The Speaker hath paced into the House, + Toward his lofty place; + Gleaming like gold before him goes + The merry, massive Mace. + + St. Stephen's Guest he beat his breast, + Yet he could not chuse but hear; + And thus spake on that ancient man, + The garrulous Mariner. + + [But behold the tale that was told unto St. Stephen's Guest by + the Ancient Mariner is now known unto all men, from repeated + and prolix narrations; the tale to wit of the Mariner's + startling adventure in unsailed seas on board his suddenly + launched _Home Rule_ Argo; how that the Ancient Mariner shot + the Oof Bird (that made the (financial) mare to go, and the + (party) breeze to blow); how that his shipmates cried out + against the Ancient Mariner for killing the bird of good luck, + which lay the golden eggs, but how, when the fog cleared off, + they justified the same, and thus made themselves accomplices + in the act; how "the spell began to break;" how "the Mariner + hath been cast into a trance, and the angelic power" (of + speech) "causeth the vessel to drive northward faster than" + (ordinary) human "life could endure"; how in the Mariner's + opinion the _Home Rule_ Argo yet "stoppeth the way," and until + it hath free course must impede the fair navigation of the + (political) ocean; and how, finally, he, the Ancient Mariner, + is constrained to "pop up" and repeat this tale of change and + chance unto the appointed persons.] + + * * * * * + + Forthwith this tongue of mine was stirred + To quenchless fluency, + Which forced me to begin my tale, + As now I tell it thee. + + Since then, at an uncertain hour, + This ecstasy returns; + And till my thrice-told tale is through + The heart within me burns. + + I pass, like _Puck_, from land to land, + I have strange power of speech; + That moment that his face I see + I know the man that must hear me, + To him my tale I teach. + + * * * * * + + What loud uproar bursts from that door! + They're at it hotly there: + Will they be silenced by the tale + Told by the Mariner? + Bim! Boom! There goes Big Ben's deep bell! + The Speaker's in the Chair! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY "ANCIENT MARINER." + + "IT IS AN ANCIENT MARINER, + AND HE STOPPETH ONE OF THREE. + 'BY THY SCANT GREY LOCKS AND GLITTERING EYE, + NOW WHEREFORE STOPP'ST THOU ME?'" +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CHECK. + +_Huntsman_. "SEEN THE FOX, MY BOY?" + +_Boy_. "NO, I AIN'T!" + +_Huntsman_. "THEN, WHAT ARE YOU HOLLARIN' FOR?" + +_Boy_ (_who has been scaring Rooks_). "'COS I'M PAID FOR IT!"] + + * * * * * + +THE DEATH PENALTY; OR, WHO'S TO BLAME? + +ACT I. + + SCENE--_House of Commons, rather sparsely attended, it being + the occasion of a statement on the needs of the Army to be + made by the_ Secretary for War. + +_Secretary for War_ (_continuing his speech_). And so, Mr. SPEAKER, +I trust that I have justified the demand I have made for so many +millions for building Barracks, and conclusively proved that the +Authorities responsible for our military efficiency are thoroughly +alive to the necessity not only of safeguarding the lives, but of +increasing the comfort, of our gallant defenders. (_Cheers_.) + +ACT II. + + SCENE--_Celebrated London Barracks. Fire just broken out in + top storey of Married Soldiers' Quarters, crowded with women + and children. Soldiers rushing for ladders. Some children + handed up through a trap-door, which is supposed to lead to + roof. No exit on to roof available, and children being slowly + smothered. Screams. Great excitement._ + +_Non-Commissioned Officer_. Ha! Fire in the "Rookery!" And it'll burn +like paper, being old and rotten! Now, where's the fellow who ought to +have the key of the hydrant? (_Exit in search of him._) + +_Labourer employed at Barracks_ (_entering hastily_). Hullo! A fire! +Where's that key of mine for the hydrants? Can't attend to _that_, +however, as there's my wife and family to be saved! (_Rushes out, and +hydrants cannot be unlocked for ten minutes. When they are, they are +found to be without water!_) + +_Colonel Commanding the Battalion_ (_just arrived on scene_). No +water! Well, of course there isn't! Hasn't the War Office ordered it +to be turned off at night, spite of my protests? Tell the Fire-Brigade +men to get water wherever they can! + + [_Water eventually got in roads several hundred yards from + burning building._ + +_Non-Com. Officer_ (_directing two soldiers, who have gallantly +rescued a couple of children that have been burning and suffocating +under roof_). Yes, take 'em off to the hospital! Poor little +creatures--not much hope for _them_, I'm afraid! (_To Colonel._) A bad +business, Sir! + +_Colonel_. Would have been worse if the men hadn't behaved so well, +and turned themselves into amateur firemen. No thanks to the War +Office that there aren't twenty-two deaths, instead of two. Why, +only six months ago, I warned 'em that the place was "unfit for human +habitation," and a regular death-trap in case of fire, with only one +narrow wooden staircase to the whole block. I wrote that, "if a fire +occurred at night, there must be many deaths." Yet nothing has been +done. + +_Non-Com. Officer_. Shocking! There's a talk that the place had been +condemned by the War Office. + +_Colonel_. Condemned, but not pulled down! I wonder who'll be +condemned at the Inquest. Shouldn't be surprised if it were the +War-Office Authorities themselves! + + [_And so they have been--and quite right too_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENERAL PUNCH'S IMPROVED MAGAZINE RIFLE. + +1. A Hatchet (_to pull out and fix inside_); 2. A Spear (_ditto_); +3,4,5. Compartments with handles, to be used as Portmanteau; 6. Shirt +Collars and Evening Tie; 7. A Pipe; 8. Tobacco; 9. Cigarette Case; +10. Sandwich Case, Potted Meats, Biscuits, &c.; 11. A Self Air-Loading +Bullet Mechanism; 12. Gladstone Bag; 13. Portable Bath and Hammock; +14. Cooking Stove; 15. Cooking Utensils; 16. A Telescope; 17. A +Walking Stick; 18. An Umbrella; 19. A Billiard Cue; 20. A Scent +Bottle.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY MEET IN A NOVEMBER FOG.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COUNTRY HOUSE. + +(_WHAT OUR ARCHITECT HAS TO PUT UP WITH._) + +_Fair Client_. "I WANT IT TO BE NICE AND BARONIAL, QUEEN ANNE +AND ELIZABETHAN, AND ALL THAT; KIND OF QUAINT AND NUREMBERGY, YOU +KNOW--REGULAR OLD ENGLISH, WITH FRENCH WINDOWS OPENING TO THE LAWN, +AND VENETIAN BLINDS, AND SORT OF SWISS BALCONIES, AND A LOGGIA. BUT +I'M SURE _YOU_ KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN HERO; + +_OR, HOW TO DISCOURAGE CRIME._ + +HENRY LARRIKIN, who was recently convicted and sentenced to death +for the murder of a nursemaid and infant on Shooter's Hill, is now +confined in ---- Gaol, and is reported to be in excellent spirits. +He passes his time in illuminating texts, which he presents to the +Governor and Warders, and some of which have been disposed of for +enormous sums. A petition has been circulated, and extensively signed, +praying for a remission of his sentence, on the ground of provocation, +it having since transpired that the infant put out its tongue in +passing. Several Jurymen have said, that had this fact been brought +before them at the trial, they would have returned a very different +verdict. Much sympathy is expressed with LARRIKIN, who is quite a +young man. He expresses himself as sanguine of a reprieve. + +CENTRAL NEWS TELEGRAM.--LATER INTELLIGENCE. + +_Monday_.--LARRIKIN was informed this afternoon, by the Governor of +the Gaol, that the HOME SECRETARY saw no grounds for interfering with +the course of the Law, and that the sentence would consequently be +carried out on Friday next. Two of the Warders, with whom LARRIKIN is +a great favourite, on account of the affability and singular modesty +of his demeanour, were deeply affected, but the prisoner himself bore +the news with extraordinary fortitude and composure. His sole comment +upon the intelligence was, that it was "just his blooming luck." By +special favour of the Authorities he is allowed to see the comments +of the Press upon his case, in which he takes the keenest interest. +A statement that he had on one occasion been introduced to the +nursemaid, through whom his career has been so tragically cut short, +has caused him the deepest irritation. He wishes it to be distinctly +understood that both she and her infant charge were absolute strangers +to him. + +LATER TELEGRAM. + +_Wednesday Morning_.--LARRIKIN continues wonderfully calm. He is +writing his Memoirs, which he has already disposed of to a Newspaper +Syndicate for a handsome consideration. Those who have been privileged +to see the manuscript report that it reveals traces of unsuspected +literary talent, and is marked in places by a genial and genuine +humour. LARRIKIN's great regret is that he will be unable to have +an opportunity of perusing the press-notices and reviews of this his +first essay in authorship, for which he expects a wide popularity. + +FROM A SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT. + +_Thursday_.--To-day LARRIKIN received a visit from an old friend, who +was visibly moved during the interview, in spite of the prisoner's +efforts to console him. "There's nothing to snivel about, old man," +he said repeatedly, with a tranquil smile. He then inquired if it was +true that there were portraits of him in several of the papers, and +was anxious to know if they were like him. He has executed his will, +leaving the copyright of his manuscript, his sole assets, to his +father, who has been in a comparatively humble position of life, but +who will now be raised to a condition of affluence. The father has +been interviewed, and stated to a reporter that he has been much +gratified by the expressions of sympathy which have been showered upon +his son from all sides. This morning a local florist sent LARRIKIN a +beautiful wreath, in which the prisoner's initials and those of his +victims were tastefully intertwined in violets. LARRIKIN was much +touched, and his eyes filled with tears, which, however, he succeeded +in repressing by a strong effort. His self-control and courage are the +admiration of the officials, by whom he will be greatly missed. All +day he has been busy packing up the furniture with which, by special +permission, his little cell has been provided by his many admirers, +and the interior has already lost much of its late dainty and cosy +appearance. LARRIKIN has been whistling a good deal,--though, as the +day wore on, the tunes he executed became of a less lively character. +Towards evening, however, he recovered his ordinary high spirits, and +even danced a "cellar-flap" for the entertainment of his Warders. A +telegram has just been handed to him from an anonymous sender, who is +understood to be a person of some eminence in bird-stuffing circles, +which contained these words--"You are to be hung on my Aunt's +silver-wedding day. Keep your pecker up." On reading this message. +LARRIKIN came more near to breaking down than he has done hitherto. +He has selected the clothes he is to wear on his last semi-public +appearance; they consist of a plain black Angora three-button lounge +coat, a purple velvet waistcoat, soft doeskin trousers, a lay-down +striped collar and dickey, and a light-blue necktie with a glass pin. +He has presented his only other jewellery--an oroide ring, set with +Bristol diamonds--to the Warder who has been most attentive and +devoted to him during his stay in gaol. He is said to have stated +that he freely forgave the infant whose insulting conduct provoked +his outburst, as he did the nursemaid for not restraining her charge's +vivacity. This intimation, at his express desire, will be conveyed +to the parents of the deceased, and will doubtless afford them the +highest consolation. + +_Thursday Night, Later_.--LARRIKIN is sleeping peacefully. His +features--refined by the mental anxiety, and the almost monastic +seclusion to which he has been lately subjected--are extremely +pleasing, and even handsome, set-off as they are by the clean collar +which he has put on in anticipation of his approaching doom. Before +sinking into childlike slumber, he listened with evident pleasure to a +banjo which was being played outside a public-house in the vicinity of +the gaol. The banjoist is now being interviewed, and believes that the +air he must have been performing at the time was "_The Lost Chord_." +The scaffold on which the unfortunate LARRIKIN is to expiate his +imprudent act is now being erected, but the workmen's hammers +have been considerately covered with felt to avoid disturbing the +slumberer. + +_Friday Morning_, 9 A.M.--All is now over. The prisoner rose early +and made a hearty breakfast, and plainly enjoyed the cigar which he +smoked afterwards with his friend the Governor, who seemed to regard +the entrance of the executioner as an untimely interruption to the +conversation. "You'll have to wait a bit for the rest of that story, +Governor," was LARRIKIN's light-hearted comment. The unhappy man +then--(_Details follow which we prefer to leave to the reader's +imagination--he will find them all in the very next special +description of such a scene_). LARRIKIN was most anxious that it +should be widely known that, in his own words, "he was true to himself +and the public, and game to the last." + +Several reporters were present in the prison-yard, and also a number +of persons of distinction, who were only admitted as a great favour. +It is said that the prison Authorities were compelled to disappoint +thousands who had applied for permission to view the last sad scene. + +LARRIKIN's melancholy end will doubtless operate as a warning and an +example to many romantic youths, who are only too easily led away by +the morbid desire for notoriety, which is so prevalent nowadays, and +which is so difficult either to account for, or discourage.--(_Special +Descriptive Report_.) + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +_Monday, November_ 24. + +[Illustration] + +Charmed to have a visit from OLD MORALITY to-day. Most kind of him to +find time to run down, seeing all he has on hand. But he's a really +good fellow, of the kind who in all circumstances find time to do a +friendly thing. Always from the first taken a friendly interest in our +little experiment. He is, indeed, indirectly personally responsible +for its undertaking. If I hadn't come across him playing leapfrog +before dinner with AKERS--DOUGLAS and JACKSON, as mentioned some weeks +ago, SARK and I would never have tried this way of passing a Recess. + +Hadn't heard OLD MORALITY was going to look in. Expect he wasn't sure +he could get away from Cabinet Council, and so didn't write. When I +came upon him he was standing absorbed in contemplation of ARPACHSHAD. +ARPACHSHAD, himself, so engrossed in problem occupying his mind, that +he did not notice our visitor. Had started yesterday cutting grass on +lawn with machine. Getting on pretty well with it till, this morning, +wind rose, blowing half a gale from Westward. ARPACHSHAD discovered +that, starting with machine from the Westward, he, with wind blowing +astern, got on capitally; but coming back, with wind ahead, there was +decided addition to labour of propelling machine. When OLD MORALITY +arrived, ARPACHSHAD had halted midway across the lawn, and was looking +Westward with air of profound and troubled cogitation. + +"I know what he's thinking of," said OLD MORALITY, whose Parliamentary +experience has made him an adept at thought-reading; "he's wondering +if it's possible to mow the lawn all from the Westward, so that he +would have the wind behind him throughout the operation." + +No doubt OLD MORALITY had fathomed depth of ARPACHSHAD's meditations. +Pretty to see his manoeuvring: Went down full-sail with assistance of +favouring gale; tried to tack back, bearing away to the North; when +he'd got a little way, slewed round to the West, going off before the +wind to edge of lawn. Finally borne in upon him that the position was +inexorable. He couldn't go with the wind all the time; must retrace +his steps; by tacking was really covering more ground than need be; +was, in fact, doing more work than he had intended. Shocked at this +discovery proceeded to follow ordinary course. Presently catching +sight of solitary leaf careering down walk, fetched broom, and +tenderly tickled the gravel in pursuit of the leaf. + +"There is," SARK sharply observed, "nothing ARPACHSHAD enjoys more +than dusting the walk with a broom. It is a process that combines the +maximum of appearance of hard work with the minimum of exertion." + +OLD MORALITY pretty lively in anticipation of Session, which opens +to-morrow. Always inclined to take sanguine view of situation. Doesn't +vary now. "Oh, you leave it to us, TOBY, dear boy." he said, when I +expressed hope that he would not risk his precious life and health +by overdoing it. "We've got a splendid programme, and mean to pull +through every Bill. Didn't do much last year, it is true: but don't +you see the advantage of that? If we'd passed all our Bills last +Session, must have arranged a new programme this year, involving +considerable labour. As it is we turn a handle, and there are all the +old things once more; homely and friendly; as the poet says, 'All, +all, are come, the old familiar faces.' There's the Irish Local +Government Bill, the Tithes Bill, Employers' Liability, and a troop of +others. All been brought in before; everybody knows about them; if we +don't pass them this Session they must come up again next." + +"Ha!" said SARK; "so there is to be a next Session." + +"Certainly," said OLD MORALITY--"and we would have another, if we +could. In fact, I'm not quite sure whether it may not be managed. We +are always suspending Standing Orders, of one kind or another. It is a +Standing Order of the Constitution that no Parliament shall sit longer +than seven years. Very good--in an ordinary way, excellent; though, +perhaps, a little too liberal in its arrangements when Mr. G. is +in power. But as you, TOBY, may, in earlier years, diligently +striving after improvement in caligraphy, have had occasion to note, +Circumstances alter Cases. Here we are, a contented Government, with +a Parliamentary majority always to be relied upon. Why disturb an +ordered state of affairs, and plunge the country into the turmoil +and expense of a General Election? Why not bring in a short Bill +to suspend the Septennial Act, and let the present Parliament go on +sitting indefinitely? Why should the Long Parliament remain a monopoly +of the Seventeenth Century? I do not mind telling you (this, of +course, in confidence) that we have talked the matter over in the +Cabinet. It was the MARKISS who first started it; and, though one or +two objections have been raised, the idea is rather growing upon us, +and I should not wonder if it came to something. You will find no +mention of it in the Queen's Speech--but that is neither there nor +here." + +"I have noticed," said SARK, "that of late it has happened that Bills +mentioned in the Queen's Speech come to nothing, whilst the Session is +largely taken up with discussion of Bills which find no place in that +catalogue. Last year, for example, JOKIM's Compensation Bill wasn't +mentioned in the Queen's Speech; and yet it filled a large part in the +programme of the Session." + +"Ah," said OLD MORALITY, changing the subject, "I see ARPACHSHAD has +nearly come up with that leaf. He'll be going to his dinner now, +I suppose, and I think I must be off. Shall see you at the House +to-morrow. Sorry for you to break up the associations of your rural +life; but that only temporary." + +Saw OLD MORALITY off at the station. Came back to pack up our spade +and hoe, and leave some general instructions with ARPACHSHAD. He seems +much touched at the approaching separation. Quite unable to continue +the lawn-mowing. Followed us about with his jack-knife open, clipping +here and there a dead stem, so as to keep up an appearance of +incessant labour. + +"Ours is only a change of occupation, ARPACHSHAD," said SARK. "We +cease to labour here, but we carry on our work in another field. We +go to town, leaving, as the Poet GRAY might have said, the garden to +solitude and you." + +"Excuse _me_, Gents," said ARPACHSHAD. a look of anxiety crossing his +mobile face, "but you can't leave it to me altogether. I could manage +well enough when you were here, helpin' and workin'. But, when you're +gone, I'll have to have at least one extry man." SARK pleased at +this testimony to value of our assistance; but it really means that +ARPACHSHAD intends to do less than ever, running us into the expense +of a second gardener. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +[Illustration] + +Arrive at Fine Art Society's Place, and there look at HOKUSAI's +drawings and engravings. Who was HOKUSAI? Why, don't you know? He was +our own LIKA-JOKO's great-grandfather. "Great-grandfather was a most +wonderful man, There's none of 'em does what great-grandfather can," +except LIKA JOKO, of course. Obliged to say this, because I know LIKA +JOKO goes about with a Daimio's two-handed sword, and he would think +nothing of giving me the cut direct. But to return to HOKUSAI--sounds +like sneezing in a Dutch dialect, doesn't it?--his drawings are full +of originality and humour; he was possessed of wondrous versatility +and great industry. He began to draw at six, and continued till he +was well-nigh ninety. Were he flourishing now, he might illustrate the +lucubrations of + +Yours par-tially, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +"UP ABOVE THE WORLD SO HIGH!"--See _Mr. Punch Among the Planets_--his +Christmas Number. In spite of its title, it is not "over the heads of +the People." Look out below! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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