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diff --git a/12738-h/12738-h.htm b/12738-h/12738-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd82e2c --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/12738-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1906 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, November 29, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 100%; + width: 40%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12738 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 29, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page253" + id="page253"></a>[pg 253]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. VIII—JONNIE.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Par</i> DICK DODY, <i>Auteur de "Le Nabab + Boffin-Newcome," "Madame de Marneffe Jeune et Rawdon + Crawley Commerçant," "Trente Ans à prendre mon bien + partout," "La Lie de mon Encrier," "Raclure des Petits + Journaux," &c, &c.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>I.—LE HIGLIFE SCOLASTIQUE.</h4> + + <p>Le recteur regardait avec un air égrillard le museau + chiffonné de la jolie Madame COPPERFIELD, qui désirait lui + confier son petit garçon comme élève dans l'institution la plus + distinguée de tout Paris, une maison où chaque enfant devait + apporter dans sa petite malle trois couverts en vermeille, et + un trousseau de six douzaines de chemises en batiste fine; une + maison où les extras, les vin d'oporto, les beef-tea, les + sandwich, souvent dépassaient la pension.</p> + + <p>"Voyons, ma belle dame," dit le recteur, "comment + s'appelle-t'il—ce petit mome—pardon—ce cher + enfant?"</p> + + <p>"DOMBEY, Monsieur, JONNIE DOMBEY. JONNIE sans l'H."</p> + + <p>"Il est noble?"</p> + + <p>"Mais, non, Monsieur. Son père était banquier, financier, + que sais-je! Il faisait des affaires + énormes—gigantesques! Il regardait les ROTHSCHILD comme + de nouveaux venus—il—" et la gentille petite + COPPERFIELD se perdait dans un labyrinthe de phrases, et se + réfugiait dans une énorme houppe à poudre-Sarah, qu'elle + portait toujours dans son manchon.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/253.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/253.png" + alt="" /></a>JACK CUIVRECHAMP SE FAIT RECONNAITRE PAR + MLLE. ELISABETH TROTTEBOIS. + </div> + + <p>"Mais il n'était pas noble," dit le recteur, avec dureté; + "je regrette fort, Madame, de ne pouvoir accepter votre petit + gosse—votre fils—comme élève; mais cette + institution scolastique est des plus <i>fashionables</i> de + Paris. Si vous aviez une petite couronne de Marquise sur votre + carte de visite, si vous étiez descendue d'une voiture + blasonnée aux chevaux fringants, avec cocher en perruque + spun-glass, mes bras de père spirituel se seraient ouverts avec + effusion pour accueillir cet enfant. Mais vous portez sur votre + oarte un nom suspect, et vous êtes arrivée en voiture de place. + Ainsi avec la plus haute considération je dois vous prier de + prendre la peine de débarrasser le plancher. Adieu, mon petit + bonhomme. Tu as l'air scrofuleux mais charmant."</p> + + <p>Madame COPPERFIELD, qui était entrée comme Zéphire partit + comme Borée. Sa robe de soie faisait un frou-frou prodigieux + dans le vestibule. Elle monta dans la voiture au cheval étique, + aux coussins moisis, tirant le petit JONNIE avec une violence + hystérique.</p> + + <p>"Parceque tu n'est pas fils de Marquis on m'outrage," elle + dit, fondant en larmes. "Et pourquoi n'est-tu pas fils de + Marquis, petite brute? Moi, je ne sais pas."</p> + + <p>Le petit DOMBEY sautait sur les genoux de sa mère; il la + consolait, et quelques instants plus tard mère et fils suçaient + emsemble un grand morceau de butter-scotch, pendant que la + petite écervelée considérait le costume qu'elle devait porter + le soir au Bal Bullier.</p> + + <h4>II.—UN GYMNASE À TOUTES LES COULEURS.</h4> + + <p>MADAME COPPERFIELD ne se tenait pas pour vaincue sur cette + question d'une pension pour le petit. Sa cuisinière lui + soufflait le nom d'un Monsieur SQUEERS qui habitait dans les + environs de Clichy, et cette fois c'était la cuisinière qui + conduisait le petit JONNNIE chez son alumnus; et la cuisinière + ne faisait pas de façons; c'était à prendre ou à laisser.</p> + + <p>Le bon SQUEERS, qui avait habité auparavant le Yorkshire, + avait developpé une goutte de sang nègre, et s'était établi + avec la seconde Madame SQUEERS (soeur cadette de la respectable + Madame MICAWBER) dans les environs de Clichy. Malheureusement + il n'avait pas oublié son système anglais, et quoiqu'il faisait + bien des raffinements sur les rudes et franches pratiques de + Dotheboys, le système était au fond le même. Il lui fallait + toujours sa victime—son SMIKE. À Dotheboys le SMIKE était + blanc, et s'attachait à NICHOLAS, le pion; à Clichy le SMIKE + était noir, mais c'était toujours bien SMIKE, qui entrait dans + la pension bien vêtu, ses frais payés ponctuellement, et qui + tombait bien bas, jusqu'à balayer le plancher, et à servir à + table. Et plus tard le SMIKE noir devait mourir accablé de + cruautés, d'une mort encore plus larmoyante et plus terrible + que la douce phthisie du SMIKE blanc. Il est mort dans la + seconde manière de DICKENS, plus travaillée, plus tendue que le + style jeune et fort de NICKLEBY.</p> + + <h4>III.—CE QU'ON APPELLE UN BEAU-PÈRE.</h4> + + <p>Il n'y a pas loin du premier chapitre dans la vie de JONNIE + jusqu'à l'entrée de MURDSTONE—le MURDSTONE français, dur, + mais poète, ainsi plus frivole que le MURDSTONE anglais. Mais, + puisque pour le petit ARRIE tout ce qu'il y a de pénible dans + l'histoire de son petit cousin anglais doit s'augmenter, le + MURDSTONE français a des traits des NÉRON et des CALIGULA. + Naturellement le jeune DOMBEY, se souvenant des escapades du + cousin, fait son petit voyage d'enfant—une fuite de la + pension jusqu'à la maison maternelle où la petite dame s'est + installée en secondes noces avec MURDSTONE D'ARGENTON, le + poète. Alors commencent l'éducation de l'enfant par le + beau-père, les larmes de la mère, le martyre du petit. Que de + gifles; que de dictionnaires lancés à la tête du chétif + bambin!</p> + + <p>"Faut qu'il aille quelque part gagner sa vie," dit + MURDSTONE, qui s'enrageait de plus en plus, à cause de deux + incommodités dans leur vie de famille, la première que lui, + MURDSTONE, n'avait pas le génie d'ALFRED DE MUSSET, la seconde + que l'enfant avait un rhume de cerveau incurable. "Envoyez-le + laver les bouteilles chez un marchand de vins," proposait un + ami de la maison.</p> + + <p>"Mais, non, cela ne serait pas assez dur," repondit le + poète. "Je suis fâché qu'il n'y ait plus à Londres ce bon + système de ramoneurs-garçons qu'on faisait brûler vifs + quelquefois dans les cheminées. Faute de cela je le mettrai sur + la voie ferrée, à graisser les roues avec son petit pot de + pommade jaune—et si par hasard il se faisait écraser par + un train—tant pis pour lui."</p> + + <p>Il était grand garçon maintenant, ce joli petit JONNIE du + premier chapitre, et avant de partir pour se perdre entre les + Parias du pot à graisse sur la ligne d'Est, il s'enhardit + jusqu'à questionner sa mère sur un sujet qu'elle avait approché + de temps en temps gentillement du bout des lèvres, en lui + soufflant des idées romanesques, des visions de ducs espagnols + et de millionnaires anglais.</p> + + <p>"Dis done, p'tite Maman, comment s'appelait-il, mon + père?"</p> + + <p>"Mais, mon cheri, naturellement, il s'appelait + COPPERFIELD."</p> + + <p>"Mais, Maman, tu me disais autrefois qu'il était DOMBEY, un + grand financier, riche à millions. Se peut-il que de DOMBEY je + sois devenu COPPERFIELD?"</p> + + <p>La pauvre inconséquente sanglotait avec véhémence—"Mon + JONNIE, je te trompais. DOMBEY, le financier raide et hautain, + n'a jamais existé dans la vie réelle. C'était un mannequin en + bois. Ton père était DICKENS, le grand romancier anglais. Il + est mort avant ta naissance. Sans lui tu ne serais pas."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TO A CORRESPONDENT.—We do not think you are wise to + have asked a large circle of distinguished French sporting + friends to bring their rods over with a view to salmon-fishing + in the Serpentine. Trout, there may be; no doubt, there are, + but we have some doubts about salmon. Your suggestion that if + you can't get a rise you might perhaps "bang away" at the + waterfowl, certainly has a more promising sound, but we would + advise you to commence your sport early, for fear of hitting + the bathers. You will require the permission of the Duke of + CAMBRIDGE. This you will get through any Park-keeper.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. MANTALINI ON THE LINCOLN CASE.—"And both were + right, and neither wrong, upon my life and soul, O + demmit!"—<i>Nicholas Nickleby</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page254" + id="page254"></a>[pg 254]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE FINAL + TEST.</h2><a href="images/254.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/254.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Bellona</i> (<i>to the "Times" and Mr. Stanhope</i>). + "I SUPPOSE, GENTLEMEN, YOU DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR <i>ME</i> + TO SETTLE THE QUESTION!"</p><br /> + + <p>TOMMY ATKINS, <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, where and <i>wot</i> am I? A spindle-shank'd + stripling,</p> + + <p class="i2">As blue-gilled old Tory ex-Colonels + protest?</p> + + <p>Or a 'ero, as pictured by young RUDYARD + KIPLING,</p> + + <p class="i2">Six foot in my socks, forty-inch + round the chest?</p> + + <p>I'm blowed if <i>I</i> know arter all the + discussion.</p> + + <p class="i2">But if I'm the cove as they're going + to trust,</p> + + <p>To give good account of yer Frenchy or + Russian,</p> + + <p class="i2">At least they'd best give me a gun as + won't <i>bust</i>.</p> + + <p>They've bin fighting this battle of barrels and + breeches,—</p> + + <p>Ah yus, from the days of our poor old Brown + Bess,</p> + + <p>And wot's the result as their 'speriments + teaches?</p> + + <p class="i2">They'd better jest settle it + sharp-like, I guess.</p> + + <p>If once of a rattlin' good rifle I'm owner,</p> + + <p class="i2">A thing as won't jack-up or jam, I + don't care.</p> + + <p>But if they stand squabblin' till Missis + BELLONER</p> + + <p class="i2">Puts in <i>'er</i> appearance, + there'll be a big + scare.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page255" + id="page255"></a>[pg 255]</span> + + <p>Ah, she's the true "Expert"; wuth fifty + Committees!</p> + + <p class="i2">But then '<i>er</i> decision means + money—and blood.</p> + + <p>Wot price TOMMY ATKINS, <i>then</i>? Everyone + pities</p> + + <p class="i2">His fate, when he's snuffed it, and + pity's no good.</p> + + <p>Whether STANHOPE is right, or the <i>Times</i>, + I ain't sayin';</p> + + <p class="i2">But here Marm BELLONER gives both a + big hint,</p> + + <p>As it's rayther a touch-and-go game they are + playin',</p> + + <p class="i2">And TOMMY, he thinks she is + right,—plain as print!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"SIC ITUR AD ASTRA!"</h3> + + <p>Look out for <i>Mr. Punch Among the Planets</i>! He is a + Star of the first magnitude, and the above is the title of his + Christmas Number. It will issue from, to use astrological + language, the House of BRADBURY-AGNEW-&-CO., although the + sidereal and celestial subjects of the forthcoming Christmas + Number are suggestive of the old days of "BRADBURY and + Heavens."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THREE TASTES.</h2> + + <h4>I.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My pipe, he tastes of turpentine—</p> + + <p class="i2">He is a penny pipe—</p> + + <p>A taste that every pipe of mine</p> + + <p class="i2">Has when he is not ripe.</p> + + <p>I bought him at a little shop</p> + + <p class="i2">Where they sell fruit and cheese,</p> + + <p>Tobacco, toys, and ginger-pop,</p> + + <p class="i2">And said, "A <i>cheap</i> pipe, + please."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was a maiden sold him me,</p> + + <p class="i2">And she was proud and cold;</p> + + <p>She'd briar pipes at two-and-three</p> + + <p class="i2">For them that squandered gold;</p> + + <p>She'd one that had a leather case.</p> + + <p class="i2">Item, a curly stem;</p> + + <p>And cheap pipes make her shrug her face,</p> + + <p class="i2">She had such scorn of them.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>II.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My pipe he tastes of cherry now;</p> + + <p class="i2">Gone, like the foam of wine,</p> + + <p>Gone, like the mist from mountain-brow,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gone is that turpentine.</p> + + <p>With the pure herb I feel it blend—</p> + + <p>That charm of cherry-wood,</p> + + <p>And smoke him six times straight on end,</p> + + <p class="i2">Because he is so good.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And yet my aunt gets up, and sniffs,</p> + + <p class="i2">And therewith wags her head;</p> + + <p>And warns me in between the whiffs</p> + + <p class="i2">That I shall soon be dead;</p> + + <p>And says excessive smoking must</p> + + <p class="i2">Debase and bring me low,</p> + + <p>She makes herself offensive, just</p> + + <p class="i2">Because she loves me so.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>III.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My pipe, he tastes of chocolate,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he has grown so dear so dear,</p> + + <p>That I get up at half-past eight</p> + + <p class="i2">And smoke till night is here.</p> + + <p>My aunt informs me that the smell</p> + + <p class="i2">Is ranker than before—</p> + + <p>I could not love her half so well</p> + + <p class="i2">Loved I not baccy more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The female mind! The female mind!</p> + + <p class="i2">How beautiful it is!</p> + + <p>And yet it has to sit behind</p> + + <p class="i2">When it's compared with this—</p> + + <p>This taste that falls upon my pipe,</p> + + <p class="i2">That calms when woman clacks,</p> + + <p>In the sweet season when he's ripe,</p> + + <p class="i2">And just before he cracks.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MAGIC HORSE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Parallel not to be pushed too far.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/255.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/255.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>["You are likewise to understand that MALAMBRUNO told me + that, whenever fortune should direct me to the knight who + was to be our deliverer, he would send him a + steed—not like the vicious jades let out for hire, + for it should be that very wooden horse upon which PETER of + Provence carried off the fair MAGALONA.... MALAMBRUNO, by + his art, has now got possession of him, and by this means + posts about to every port of the world."</p> + + <p>"Hoodwink thyself, <i>Sancho</i>," said <i>Don + Quixote</i>, "and get up.... And supposing the success of + the adventure should not be equal to our hopes, yet of the + glory of so brave an attempt no malice can deprive us.... + The whole company raised their voices at once, calling out, + 'Speed you well, valorous Knight! heaven guide thee, + undaunted Squire! Now you fly aloft!'"—<i>Adventures + of Don Quixote</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, "Speed you well, most valorous Knight!</p> + + <p class="i2">Heaven guide you!"—and sound sense + inspire you!</p> + + <p>Small marvel that our land's black blight</p> + + <p class="i2">Of want and misery should fire you,</p> + + <p>Or any man whose heart will mourn</p> + + <p class="i2">More for wrecked lives than broken + crockery.</p> + + <p>This picture is not shaped in scorn,</p> + + <p class="i8">Nor meant in mockery.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>La Mancha's Knight, though brave, was blind,</p> + + <p class="i2">Squire <i>Sancho</i> just a trifle + credulous,</p> + + <p>But our dear Don was nobly kind,</p> + + <p class="i2">And in the cause of suffering + sedulous.</p> + + <p>If, mounting MALAMBRUNO's steed,</p> + + <p class="i2">He showed more sanguine than + sagacious,</p> + + <p>He was not moved by huckster greed,</p> + + <p class="i8">Or pride edacious.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But "with what bridle is he led?</p> + + <p class="i2">And with what halter is he guided?"</p> + + <p>Asked <i>Sancho</i>, rubbing his clown's head.</p> + + <p class="i2">So they who have the least derided</p> + + <p>Your plan for floating "the submerged,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Colossal, costly, wide extending,</p> + + <p>Feel some few questions may be urged,</p> + + <p class="i8">Without offending.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Benevolence the crupper mounts,</p> + + <p class="i2">His arms, like <i>Sancho's</i>, from + behind fold;</p> + + <p>But it would seem, from all accounts,</p> + + <p class="i2">He, like <i>Don Quixote's</i> Squire, + rides blindfold;</p> + + <p>It may be to most glorious ends,</p> + + <p class="i2">It may be to disastrous spillings.</p> + + <p>Sense fain would know before it spends</p> + + <p class="i8">Its hard-earned shillings.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If all were genuine that is Big,</p> + + <p class="i2">If all were sound that's well + intended,</p> + + <p><i>Quixote's</i> wild jaunt and <i>Sancho's</i> + jig</p> + + <p class="i2">Would very differently have ended.</p> + + <p>Zeal boldly mounts the Magic Horse,</p> + + <p class="i2">Charity on behind holds tightly,</p> + + <p>Who will not wish them skill and force</p> + + <p class="i8">To guide it rightly?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But Human Life's a complex maze,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Nature's laws are most despotic.</p> + + <p>Vice is not killed by kindly craze.</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor suffering quelled by zeal + Quixotic.</p> + + <p>Big questions the Big Scheme beset.</p> + + <p class="i2">Bid Pity <i>think</i>, and do not ask + it</p> + + <p>Too blindly all its eggs to get</p> + + <p class="i8">In one huge basket.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Philanthropy, which facts will school,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is not a theme for mocking merriment.</p> + + <p>As MORLEY says, he is the fool</p> + + <p class="i2">Who never ventures bold experiment.</p> + + <p>Against the ills our State that shake,</p> + + <p class="i2">The spectre Vice, Want the pale + ogress,</p> + + <p><i>Punch</i> hopes the Magic Horse may make</p> + + <p class="i8">Practical progress.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page256" + id="page256"></a>[pg 256]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/256-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/256-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, MARK, BUT I CAN'T HIT A BIRD + TO-DAY!"</p> + + <p>"LET'S SEE YOUR GUN, SIR. AH!—WELL, I'D TRY WHAT + YOU COULD DO <i>WITH SOME CARTRIDGES IN IT</i>, IF I WAS + YOU, SIR!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RIGHT-DOING ON THE RIALTO;</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE MODERN SHYLOCK.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Short Shakespearian Sequel.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Enter the</i> MODERN SHYLOCK <i>and</i> BARINGO + BROTHERS.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Shylock</i>. Five Millions sterling for three + months? And this</p> + + <p class="i2">You say, they will advance, if you can + show</p> + + <p class="i2">Sufficient guarantee?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p> + <i>Baringo</i>. Indeed + 'tis so.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Shy.</i> Well, well! But how comes it about that + you</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose honoured name has so long held the + sway</p> + + <p class="i2">Of all safe dealing, that men only + asked,</p> + + <p class="i2">"If a BARINGO backed it," to take up</p> + + <p class="i2">Unquestioning the newest + stock,—should thus</p> + + <p class="i2">With sudden flash flare up and set in + blaze</p> + + <p class="i2">The whole commercial world?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p> + <i>Bar.</i> Oh! + press me not,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor question me too closely! + "<i>Argentines</i>!"</p> + + <p class="i2">That fatal word sums up the evil + spell</p> + + <p class="i2">That in these latter luckless days has + fallen</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon our swaying House.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p> + <i>Shy.</i> I + see your case!</p> + + <p class="i2">A cry for gold finds you all + unprepared,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your capital locked up beyond the + seas.</p> + + <p class="i2">You cannot realise.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p> + <i>Bar.</i> Alas! + too true!</p> + + <p class="i2">That is the situation!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p> + <i>Shy.</i> Badly + done!</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah! it has been a sorry piece of + work,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your "management."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p> + <i>Bar.</i> I + bow my head to that!</p> + + <p class="i2">But you will lend your aid? You'll pull + us through?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Shy.</i> Listen, BARINGO. Many a time and oft</p> + + <p class="i2">In this English land men have rated + me</p> + + <p class="i2">About my moneys and my usuries.</p> + + <p class="i2">But that is long ago; the times have + changed,</p> + + <p class="i2">And feeling in more righteous channel + set,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now turns itself in flood to sweep + away</p> + + <p class="i2">The wrongs of vanished years. Nay, more + than this.</p> + + <p class="i2">But yesterday one of my ancient race,</p> + + <p class="i2">Filled, with his Christian colleagues' + heartiest will,</p> + + <p class="i2">The civic throne; and at this very + hour</p> + + <p class="i2">A protest from all classes in the + land</p> + + <p class="i2">From low and high, from peasant and from + peer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Goes forth to plead with the despotic + power</p> + + <p class="i2">That 'neath brute persecution's iron + heel</p> + + <p class="i2">Would trample out my brethren's life. So, + there,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which way I look I meet a greeting + hand.</p> + + <p class="i2">So, not repeating here the vengeful + plot</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the old <i>Shylock</i> of the play; + without</p> + + <p class="i2">My pound of flesh or pound of + anything,—</p> + + <p class="i2">But solely for the bond of + brotherhood</p> + + <p class="i2">That should link loyal workers in one + field,</p> + + <p class="i2">Count on my help in this your + stress—for I</p> + + <p class="i2">Will be your guarantee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Bar.</i> You will! Oh, thanks</p> + + <p class="i2">For such blest help!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Shy.</i> Such help is only right,—</p> + + <p class="i2">So say no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Bar.</i> (<i>aside</i>.) Thank Heaven! + <i>That</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Ends our plight!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Dances wild fandango of delight as Curtain + descends.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>Here are some regular sea-breezy Nautical stories for our + youthful Islanders. <i>From Middy to Admiral of the Fleet</i>, + by Dr. MACAULAY, which is a good long step; but this is the + life of Commodore ANSON. <i>Up North in a Whaler</i>, by EDWARD + A. RAND; a pleasant little trip for the Summer + holidays—not inviting now—but try it later. Messrs. + HUTCHINSON & Co. also publish "<i>The Low-Back'd Car</i>," + by SAMUEL LOVER—an old Song in a fresh setting of + charming Illustrations, by W. MAGRATH. "We don't kill a pig + every day!" But just for once and away get <i>My Prague + Pig</i>, by S. BARING GOULD. W. CLARK RUSSELL's <i>Master + Rockafellar's Voyage</i>, recommended.</p> + + <p>To the ambitious young entertainer, <i>Magic at Home</i>, + translated by Professor HOFFMAN, will be a source of delight, + and if some of the experiments should lead to slight temporary + inconvenience, it will only help to pass a more cheerful + evening than usual.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/256-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/256-2.png" + alt="" /></a>The Mirror of Justice. + </div> + + <p>For drawing-room plays apply to GEORGE ROUTLEDGE, who + publishes a set, one of which, <i>Acting Charades and + Proverbs</i>, by ANNE BOWMAN, will be found very useful. A + Bowman hits the mark.</p> + + <p>Those who know their London <i>au bout des angles</i>, can + tell you of many quaint spots of beauty, which may be seen when + it is not quite enveloped in a cheerful fog, though several of + the more ancient landmarks are fast vanishing; yet in + <i>Picturesque London</i>, by PERCY FITZGERALD, M.A., F.S.A., + will be found a happy collection of all the most taking parts, + both in odd corners, and interesting structures. Charming + illustrations by HUME, NISBET, and HERBERT RAILTON.</p> + + <p>Christmas special numbers are not exactly up to date; they + are turned out so early that by the time they ought to be + seasonable, they are almost ancient history. <i>The Ladies' + Pictorial</i> is filled with short stories by popular authors, + which are well illustrated.</p> + + <p>The earlier part of <i>My Life</i>, by SIDNEY COOPER, R.A., + is very interesting, as must almost always be the story of the + early career of such an ancient mariner as is this well-known + animal-painter. There must be a halo of romance about + recollections which no one living can or cares to contradict. + When these biographical reminiscences come within the memory of + middle-aged men, then this said memory doth run somewhat to the + contrary of that of the veteran painter who put the cart before + the horse, so to speak, in his artistic career, seeing that he + commenced with carriages and ended with cows. As far as <i>Mr. + Punch</i> is concerned, the Baron has already denied that + DOUGLAS JERROLD was ever the Editor of <i>Mr. P.'s</i> paper; + and Mr. COOPER's account of the <i>Punch</i> dinners must be + taken with the contents of a well-filled salt-cellar, as Mr. + SIDNEY COOPER was never present at any one of them. + Inaccurately he attributes a repartee of THACKERAY's to DOUGLAS + JERROLD; and the well-known retort of JERROLD to ALBERT SMITH + he gives so incorrectly, that in this instance the Attic salt + has lost its savour. There is too much soft-soapiness in his + reminiscences of personal interviews with Royalty to please + robust readers. Judging from the latter portion of the second + volume, wherein, as I should take it, there is considerable + "padding," it would seem that "the aged P." has already secured + an excellent position among "the immortals." Hitherto it was + generally supposed that of the arts Music alone would survive + <i>in sæcula sæculorum</i>; but perhaps, after all, Painting + has a chance, and especially animal painting, even though the + animals may be allegorical. With its pardonable defects of + memory, and its occasional touch of Royal Windsor Livery + complaint, the reminiscences of SIDNEY COOPER, R.A., are + pleasant and, of the first volume especially be it said, + interesting reading.</p> + + <p><i>The Auld Scotch Songs</i>, arranged by SINCLAIR DUNN. + Well, DUNN, sing clair!</p> + + <p>BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page257" + id="page257"></a>[pg 257]</span> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>A Handbook to Honesty.</i>)</h3> + + <h3>No. VI.—"AN ALARMING SACRIFICE"—SOMEWHERE!</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE I.—<i>A Suburban Drawing-room, + old-fashionedly furnished; brightly-bound books scattered + about a solid, sombre-covered table; oil portraits of + elderly, stiffly attitudinising couple on the walls; a + general atmosphere of simple, pietistic propriety. + Present,</i> EDWIN <i>and</i> ANGELINA, <i>a modest, but + deeply-enamoured pair, shortly about to be married.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Edwin</i> (<i>after the regulation ceremonial</i>). My + dearest ANGELINA, I have something here which I think will + greatly simplify the business of house-furnishing, that has so + deeply occupied us lately.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/257-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/257-1.png" + alt="Edwin, Angelina, and a loquacious person." /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Angelina</i> (<i>flushing tenderly</i>). Oh, EDWIN, + <i>have</i> you? How nice, dear! And what is it?</p> + + <p><i>Edwin</i> (<i>eagerly</i>). Quite providential, I call + it. You know, dearest, I've saved three hundred pounds for the + express purpose; and here is an advertisement, according to + which, for about that sum, we can secure a complete fit-out for + our little villa, which, I think, will exactly suit us. Quite + an exceptional chance, as the advertiser says. A gentleman, + lately arrived in this country from India, is unexpectedly + compelled to return immediately. Consequently he is obliged to + dispose <i>at once</i> of his lately-purchased house of + furniture, <i>at a great sacrifice</i>. It is as good as new, + in fact, has hardly been used at all; is elegant and + substantial, and can be seen any day at Vamp Villa, Barnsbury, + upon presentation of visiting-card. Suppose, dearest ANGY, we + run over to-morrow afternoon, and have a look at it? Such a + chance—in the very nick of time, too—may never + occur again!</p> + + <p><i>Angelina</i>. Oh, EDWIN, <i>how</i> fortunate! Should it + suit us, what a lot of trouble it will save!</p> + + <p><i>Edwin</i>. And money, too, darling, for the prices seem + to be <i>very</i> low. I'm so glad you agree, dear.</p> + + <p><i>Angelina</i> (<i>with effusion</i>). Of <i>course</i> I + do, EDWIN. And (<i>with tender glance at one of the oil + pictures</i>) how delighted dear Mamma will be! [<i>Osculation, + appointment, and exit</i>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE II.—<i>Mysterious-looking Villa at + Barnsbury, permeated by strong smell of French-polish and + fusty straw. Large "House to Let" boards and posters + prominently disposed. Present.</i> EDWIN <i>and</i> + ANGELINA, <i>and a blandly loquacious person, in black + broadcloth, with a big foolscap-paper Inventory, and a + blunt-pointed pencil.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Loquacious Person</i> (<i>fluently</i>). Why you see, + Madam, Mr. PAWNEE LIVERLESS 'ad to leave for Bombay early + yesterday mornin', and was therefore obliged to leave the sale + of his furniture in our hands. But he is an old client of ours, + Mr. LIVERLESS is, and he has given us <i>carte blanche</i> as + regards the disposition of his effects. Only they <i>must</i> + be sold at once. A retired Colonel at Notting Hill, who seemed + <i>very</i> sweet on the bargain, promised me a decided answer + by twelve o'clock to-day. It has not come, and I am free to + negotiate with the next comer for the furniture as it stands, + provided an immediate settlement can be arrived at. <i>Wait</i> + I cannot, but in any other pertikler I shall be only <i>too</i> + 'appy to meet your views.</p> + + <p><i>Edwin</i>. I see the furniture is quite new?</p> + + <p><i>L.P.</i> (<i>with cheery candour</i>). Well, no Sir, not + quite. Oh, I'll not deceive you! It has been in use a few + months, and, as you see, is none the worse for <i>that</i>. + Better, if anything, being fully tested as to seasoning. I need + 'ardly tell <i>you</i>, Sir, that new furniture nowadays is a + ticklish thing to invest in. <i>Such</i> tricks, my dear Sir, + <i>such</i> nefarious dodges and artful fakements! + (<i>Sighs.</i>) But—(<i>taking up a chair and banging it + vigorously but adroitly on the floor</i>)—<i>this</i> is + stuff you can depend on, and 'll be better three years hence + than it is to-day. This saddle-bag <i>sweet</i>, Madam, is + simply luxurious, good enough for any doocal dinin'-room; the + carpets throughout are as elegantly hesthetick in design, as + they are substantial in fabric, whilst the—ahem! sleeping + apartments, are perfect pickters of combined solidity and + chaste elegance. <i>I</i> always say, that as a real gentleman + is known by his linen, so the 'ome of a party of true taste may + be tested by the bed-rooms. You'll excuse me, + Madam—(<i>smirks</i>)—but such are <i>my</i> + sentiments, <i>not</i> as a salesman, but as a family man.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[L.P. <i>takes</i> EDWIN <i>and</i> ANGELINA <i>the + round of the house, expatiating glowingly but discreetly as + he goes, and ultimately effects sale of the "furniture as + it stands" for a liberally proffered "ten-pun note off the + advertised sum tottle."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE III.—<i>Interior of Greengage Villa</i>. + ANGELINA (<i>now</i> Mrs. CANOODLE) <i>discovered in tears + over the wreck of a "Saddlebag" Sofa, very shaky as to + legs, and shabby as to "pile."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Angelina</i> (<i>sobbing</i>). And to think that + <i>dear</i> EDWIN should have spent his long savings on such + wretched stuff as <i>this</i>! Oh, that talkative but + treacherous tout at Vamp Villa! Why, 'tis only six months since + we were married—(<i>bohoo!</i>)—and there's + scarcely a thing in the house that's not either shaky, or + shabby, or both!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Breaks down.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Edwin</i> (<i>entering with a flushed face, and clenched + fists</i>). ANGY, my darling, <i>don't</i> waste your tears + over that vile combination of unseasoned timber and + devil's-dust. Rather pluck up a spirit and pitch into + <i>me</i>, who was fool enough to be tricked by a plausible + advertisement, a scheming vendor of shoddy furniture, a hired + villa, a verbose villain, and the thrice-told tale of a + mythical "Indian gentleman," an imaginary "emergency," and a + purely supposititious "sacrifice." [<i>Left lamenting.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>"A DANIEL!"</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/257-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/257-2.png" + alt="G.O.M. Daniel." /></a>G.O.M. DANIEL in the Irish + Lions' Den. + </div> + + <p>Years ago, when BRITON RIVIÈRE painted his picture of + "<i>Daniel in the Lions' Den</i>," which foppishly-speaking men + would speak of as "<i>Deniel in the Lions' Dan</i>," public + curiosity was aroused by the fact that DANIEL was facing the + lions with his back to the spectators. Of course, in this + instance, the public mind is not exercised by the problem which + was put to the Showman by an inquiring small boy, in the + memorable formula of inquiry, "Please, Sir, which is DANIEL, + and which is the Lions?" as never, for one moment, could there + have existed, in the densest brain, the smallest doubt as to + the identity of the Hebrew Seer. Should the question now be put + by an intending purchaser, Mr. WILLIAM AGNEW has only to give + an adaptation of the historic reply, and say, "Whichever you + like, my little dear; <i>if</i> you pay your money, you may + take your choice."</p> + + <p>Now in this grand picture there is no sort of doubt, "no + possible doubt whatever," as to which is DANIEL and which are + the Lions; but there must arise in the spectator's mind the + question, <i>Who was the painter's model for this figure of</i> + DANIEL? To this there can be but one answer, "the G.O.M." This + is the painter's model for DANIEL. Here he stands looking up + towards the opening and seeing daylight. His hands are tied by + the bonds of a majority against him. As for the Lions they may + be Irish Lions, who may be thinking of another grand old DAN, + The Liberator, but who, once upon a time, in the good old + Kilmainham Gaol days, would have fallen upon this G.O.M. and + torn him in pieces; not so now. It is a grand picture.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"WHO'S YOUR HATTER?" OR, SIDE-LIGHTS ON ECCLESIASTICAL + HISTORY.—Years ago, the great Ritual Case was that of Mr. + BENNETT, of St. Barnabas, Pimlico. Now the most recent is the + Archbishop's decision in the Lincoln Case. The two may be + quoted henceforth as "'The Lincoln and Bennett Cases,' which + cover a variety of heads."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"HERE WE GO UP, UP, UP!"—<i>Mr. Punch</i> with Time + visits the Heavenly Bodies. Special Stars engaged for Christmas + Entertainment. Look out for <i>Mr. Punch's</i> Christmas + Number, entitled <i>Punch Among the Planets.</i> For once + <i>Toby</i> will be Sirius.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SHORTLY TO APPEAR.—Companion Volume to <i>Oceana</i>. + New Work, by C.S. P-RN-LL, entitled, <i>O'Sheana.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page258" + id="page258"></a>[pg 258]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/258.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/258.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>BANK HOLIDAY WIT.</h3> + + <p><i>Mamma</i>. "COME ALONG, DARLINGS!"</p> + + <p><i>'Arry</i>. "ALL RIGHT, MISS! JUST WAIT TILL WE'VE 'AD + A DRINK!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PARLIAMENTARY "ANCIENT MARINER."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragments from the Latest Rendering of the Old + Rime.</i>)</h4> + + <p class="side">An Ancient Mariner meeteth Three Guests bidden + to St. Stephen's and detaineth one.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is an ancient Mariner,</p> + + <p>And he stoppeth one of three.</p> + + <p>"By thy scant gray looks and glittering eye,</p> + + <p>Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"St. Stephen's doors are open wide,</p> + + <p>My duty lies within;</p> + + <p>M.P.'s are met, the programme's set,</p> + + <p>May'st hear the Irish din."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He holds him with his sinewy hand,</p> + + <p>"There was a ship," quoth he.</p> + + <p>"Hold off! unhand me, Ancient One!"</p> + + <p>Eftsoons his hand dropt he.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="side">St. Stephen's Guest is spell-bound by the eye + of the Grand Old Seafaring Man, and constrained to hear his + tale.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He holds him with his glittering eye—</p> + + <p>St. Stephen's Guest stands still,</p> + + <p>And listens, like Midlothian's mob.</p> + + <p>The Mariner hath his will.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>St. Stephen's Guest stands like a stone.</p> + + <p>He cannot chuse but hear;</p> + + <p>And thus outspeaks that ancient man,</p> + + <p>The bright-eyed Mariner.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our ship was cheered, the harbour cleared</p> + + <p>Merrily did we drop</p> + + <p>Below the Kirk, Tory ill-will</p> + + <p>Our vessel might not stop.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="side">The Mariner tells how his new-launched Craft, + after some adverse gales, sailed northward, with a good wind, + and fair weather.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The sun arose, that erst had left</p> + + <p>Our Home-Rule argosy,</p> + + <p>And he shone bright, our course was right,</p> + + <p>The "flowing tide" ran free.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Higher and higher every day</p> + + <p>Our sun shone bright and clear—</p> + + <p>St. Stephen's Guest here beat his breast,</p> + + <p>For he heard the loud "Hear! Hear!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="side">St. Stephen's Guest heareth that business is + toward within; but the monologuising Mariner continueth his + tale.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Speaker hath paced into the House,</p> + + <p>Toward his lofty place;</p> + + <p>Gleaming like gold before him goes</p> + + <p>The merry, massive Mace.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>St. Stephen's Guest he beat his breast,</p> + + <p>Yet he could not chuse but hear;</p> + + <p>And thus spake on that ancient man,</p> + + <p>The garrulous Mariner.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[But behold the tale that was told unto St. Stephen's + Guest by the Ancient Mariner is now known unto all men, + from repeated and prolix narrations; the tale to wit of the + Mariner's startling adventure in unsailed seas on board his + suddenly launched <i>Home Rule</i> Argo; how that the + Ancient Mariner shot the Oof Bird (that made the + (financial) mare to go, and the (party) breeze to blow); + how that his shipmates cried out against the Ancient + Mariner for killing the bird of good luck, which lay the + golden eggs, but how, when the fog cleared off, they + justified the same, and thus made themselves accomplices in + the act; how "the spell began to break;" how "the Mariner + hath been cast into a trance, and the angelic power" (of + speech) "causeth the vessel to drive northward faster than" + (ordinary) human "life could endure"; how in the Mariner's + opinion the <i>Home Rule</i> Argo yet "stoppeth the way," + and until it hath free course must impede the fair + navigation of the (political) ocean; and how, finally, he, + the Ancient Mariner, is constrained to "pop up" and repeat + this tale of change and chance unto the appointed + persons.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Forthwith this tongue of mine was stirred</p> + + <p>To quenchless fluency,</p> + + <p>Which forced me to begin my tale,</p> + + <p>As now I tell it thee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since then, at an uncertain hour,</p> + + <p>This ecstasy returns;</p> + + <p>And till my thrice-told tale is through</p> + + <p>The heart within me burns.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I pass, like <i>Puck</i>, from land to land,</p> + + <p>I have strange power of speech;</p> + + <p>That moment that his face I see</p> + + <p>I know the man that must hear me,</p> + + <p>To him my tale I teach.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What loud uproar bursts from that door!</p> + + <p>They're at it hotly there:</p> + + <p>Will they be silenced by the tale</p> + + <p>Told by the Mariner?</p> + + <p>Bim! Boom! There goes Big Ben's deep bell!</p> + + <p>The Speaker's in the Chair!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page259" + id="page259"></a>[pg 259]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/259.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/259.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE PARLIAMENTARY "ANCIENT MARINER."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"IT IS AN ANCIENT MARINER,</p> + + <p>AND HE STOPPETH ONE OF THREE.</p> + + <p>'BY THY SCANT GREY LOCKS AND GLITTERING EYE,</p> + + <p>NOW WHEREFORE STOPP'ST THOU ME?'"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page261" + id="page261"></a>[pg 261]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/261-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/261-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A CHECK.</h3> + + <p><i>Huntsman</i>. "SEEN THE FOX, MY BOY?"</p> + + <p><i>Boy</i>. "NO, I AIN'T!"</p> + + <p><i>Huntsman</i>. "THEN, WHAT ARE YOU HOLLARIN' FOR?"</p> + + <p><i>Boy</i> (<i>who has been scaring Rooks</i>). "'COS + I'M PAID FOR IT!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE DEATH PENALTY; OR, WHO'S TO BLAME?</h2> + + <h4>ACT I.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>House of Commons, rather sparsely + attended, it being the occasion of a statement on the needs + of the Army to be made by the</i> Secretary for War.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Secretary for War</i> (<i>continuing his speech</i>). And + so, Mr. SPEAKER, I trust that I have justified the demand I + have made for so many millions for building Barracks, and + conclusively proved that the Authorities responsible for our + military efficiency are thoroughly alive to the necessity not + only of safeguarding the lives, but of increasing the comfort, + of our gallant defenders. (<i>Cheers</i>.)</p> + + <h4>ACT II.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Celebrated London Barracks. Fire just + broken out in top storey of Married Soldiers' Quarters, + crowded with women and children. Soldiers rushing for + ladders. Some children handed up through a trap-door, which + is supposed to lead to roof. No exit on to roof available, + and children being slowly smothered. Screams. Great + excitement.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Non-Commissioned Officer</i>. Ha! Fire in the "Rookery!" + And it'll burn like paper, being old and rotten! Now, where's + the fellow who ought to have the key of the hydrant? (<i>Exit + in search of him.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Labourer employed at Barracks</i> (<i>entering + hastily</i>). Hullo! A fire! Where's that key of mine for the + hydrants? Can't attend to <i>that</i>, however, as there's my + wife and family to be saved! (<i>Rushes out, and hydrants + cannot be unlocked for ten minutes. When they are, they are + found to be without water!</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Colonel Commanding the Battalion</i> (<i>just arrived on + scene</i>). No water! Well, of course there isn't! Hasn't the + War Office ordered it to be turned off at night, spite of my + protests? Tell the Fire-Brigade men to get water wherever they + can!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Water eventually got in roads several hundred yards + from burning building.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Non-Com. Officer</i> (<i>directing two soldiers, who have + gallantly rescued a couple of children that have been burning + and suffocating under roof</i>). Yes, take 'em off to the + hospital! Poor little creatures—not much hope for + <i>them</i>, I'm afraid! (<i>To Colonel.</i>) A bad business, + Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Colonel</i>. Would have been worse if the men hadn't + behaved so well, and turned themselves into amateur firemen. No + thanks to the War Office that there aren't twenty-two deaths, + instead of two. Why, only six months ago, I warned 'em that the + place was "unfit for human habitation," and a regular + death-trap in case of fire, with only one narrow wooden + staircase to the whole block. I wrote that, "if a fire occurred + at night, there must be many deaths." Yet nothing has been + done.</p> + + <p><i>Non-Com. Officer</i>. Shocking! There's a talk that the + place had been condemned by the War Office.</p> + + <p><i>Colonel</i>. Condemned, but not pulled down! I wonder + who'll be condemned at the Inquest. Shouldn't be surprised if + it were the War-Office Authorities themselves!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>And so they have been—and quite right + too</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <h3>GENERAL PUNCH'S IMPROVED MAGAZINE + RIFLE.</h3><a href="images/261-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/261-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>1. A Hatchet (<i>to pull out and fix inside</i>); 2. A + Spear (<i>ditto</i>); 3,4,5. Compartments with handles, to + be used as Portmanteau; 6. Shirt Collars and Evening Tie; + 7. A Pipe; 8. Tobacco; 9. Cigarette Case; 10. Sandwich + Case, Potted Meats, Biscuits, &c.; 11. A Self + Air-Loading Bullet Mechanism; 12. Gladstone Bag; 13. + Portable Bath and Hammock; 14. Cooking Stove; 15. Cooking + Utensils; 16. A Telescope; 17. A Walking Stick; 18. An + Umbrella; 19. A Billiard Cue; 20. A Scent Bottle.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page262" + id="page262"></a>[pg 262]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/262.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/262.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE PARLIAMENTARY MEET IN A NOVEMBER FOG.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page263" + id="page263"></a>[pg 263]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/263.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/263.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE COUNTRY HOUSE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>What Our Architect has to put up with.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Fair Client</i>. "I WANT IT TO BE NICE AND BARONIAL, + QUEEN ANNE AND ELIZABETHAN, AND ALL THAT; KIND OF QUAINT + AND NUREMBERGY, YOU KNOW—REGULAR OLD ENGLISH, WITH + FRENCH WINDOWS OPENING TO THE LAWN, AND VENETIAN BLINDS, + AND SORT OF SWISS BALCONIES, AND A LOGGIA. BUT I'M SURE + <i>YOU</i> KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MODERN HERO;</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, How to Discourage Crime.</i></h3> + + <p>HENRY LARRIKIN, who was recently convicted and sentenced to + death for the murder of a nursemaid and infant on Shooter's + Hill, is now confined in —— Gaol, and is reported + to be in excellent spirits. He passes his time in illuminating + texts, which he presents to the Governor and Warders, and some + of which have been disposed of for enormous sums. A petition + has been circulated, and extensively signed, praying for a + remission of his sentence, on the ground of provocation, it + having since transpired that the infant put out its tongue in + passing. Several Jurymen have said, that had this fact been + brought before them at the trial, they would have returned a + very different verdict. Much sympathy is expressed with + LARRIKIN, who is quite a young man. He expresses himself as + sanguine of a reprieve.</p> + + <h4>CENTRAL NEWS TELEGRAM.—LATER INTELLIGENCE.</h4> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—LARRIKIN was informed this afternoon, + by the Governor of the Gaol, that the HOME SECRETARY saw no + grounds for interfering with the course of the Law, and that + the sentence would consequently be carried out on Friday next. + Two of the Warders, with whom LARRIKIN is a great favourite, on + account of the affability and singular modesty of his + demeanour, were deeply affected, but the prisoner himself bore + the news with extraordinary fortitude and composure. His sole + comment upon the intelligence was, that it was "just his + blooming luck." By special favour of the Authorities he is + allowed to see the comments of the Press upon his case, in + which he takes the keenest interest. A statement that he had on + one occasion been introduced to the nursemaid, through whom his + career has been so tragically cut short, has caused him the + deepest irritation. He wishes it to be distinctly understood + that both she and her infant charge were absolute strangers to + him.</p> + + <h4>LATER TELEGRAM.</h4> + + <p><i>Wednesday Morning</i>.—LARRIKIN continues + wonderfully calm. He is writing his Memoirs, which he has + already disposed of to a Newspaper Syndicate for a handsome + consideration. Those who have been privileged to see the + manuscript report that it reveals traces of unsuspected + literary talent, and is marked in places by a genial and + genuine humour. LARRIKIN's great regret is that he will be + unable to have an opportunity of perusing the press-notices and + reviews of this his first essay in authorship, for which he + expects a wide popularity.</p> + + <h4>FROM A SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.</h4> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—To-day LARRIKIN received a visit from + an old friend, who was visibly moved during the interview, in + spite of the prisoner's efforts to console him. "There's + nothing to snivel about, old man," he said repeatedly, with a + tranquil smile. He then inquired if it was true that there were + portraits of him in several of the papers, and was anxious to + know if they were like him. He has executed his will, leaving + the copyright of his manuscript, his sole assets, to his + father, who has been in a comparatively humble position of + life, but who will now be raised to a condition of affluence. + The father has been interviewed, and stated to a reporter that + he has been much gratified by the expressions of sympathy which + have been showered upon his son from all sides. This morning a + local florist sent LARRIKIN a beautiful wreath, in which the + prisoner's initials and those of his victims were tastefully + intertwined in violets. LARRIKIN was much touched, and his eyes + filled with tears, which, however, he succeeded in repressing + by a strong effort. His self-control and courage are the + admiration of the officials, by whom he will be greatly missed. + All day he has been busy packing up the furniture with which, + by special permission, his little cell has been provided by his + many admirers, and the interior has already lost much of its + late dainty and cosy appearance. LARRIKIN has been whistling a + good deal,—though, as the day wore on, the tunes he + executed became of a less lively character. Towards evening, + however, he recovered his ordinary high spirits, and even + danced a "cellar-flap" for the entertainment of his Warders. A + telegram has just been handed to him from an anonymous sender, + who is understood to be a person of some eminence in + bird-stuffing circles, which contained these words—"You + are to be hung on my Aunt's silver-wedding day. Keep your + pecker up." On reading this message. LARRIKIN came more near to + breaking down than he has done hitherto. He has selected the + clothes he is to wear on his last semi-public appearance; they + consist of a plain black Angora three-button lounge coat, a + purple velvet waistcoat, soft doeskin trousers, a lay-down + striped collar and dickey, and a light-blue necktie with a + glass pin. He has presented his only other jewellery—an + oroide ring, set with Bristol diamonds—to the Warder who + has been most attentive and devoted to him during his stay in + gaol. He is said to have stated that he freely forgave the + infant whose insulting conduct provoked his outburst, as he did + the nursemaid for not restraining her charge's vivacity. This + intimation, at his express desire, will be conveyed to the + parents of the deceased, and will doubtless afford them the + highest consolation.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday Night, Later</i>.—LARRIKIN is sleeping + peacefully. His features—refined by the mental anxiety, + and the almost monastic seclusion to which he has been lately + subjected—are extremely pleasing, and even handsome, + set-off as they are by the clean collar which he has put on in + anticipation of his approaching doom. Before sinking into + childlike slumber, he listened with evident pleasure to a banjo + which was being played outside a public-house in the vicinity + of the gaol. The banjoist is now being interviewed, and + believes that the air he must have been performing at the time + was "<i>The Lost Chord</i>." The scaffold on which the + unfortunate LARRIKIN is to expiate his imprudent act is now + being erected, but the workmen's hammers have been + considerately covered with felt to avoid disturbing the + slumberer.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Morning</i>, 9 A.M.—All is now over. The + prisoner rose early and made a hearty breakfast, and plainly + enjoyed the cigar which he smoked afterwards with his friend + the Governor, who seemed to regard the entrance of the + executioner as an untimely interruption to the conversation. + "You'll have to wait a bit for the rest of that story, + Governor," was LARRIKIN's light-hearted comment. The unhappy + man then—(<i>Details follow which we prefer to leave to + the reader's imagination—he will find them all in the + very next special description of such a scene</i>). LARRIKIN + was most anxious that it should be widely known that, in his + own words, "he was true to himself and the public, and game to + the last."</p> + + <p>Several reporters were present in the prison-yard, and also + a number of persons of distinction, who were only admitted as a + great favour. It is said that the prison Authorities were + compelled to disappoint thousands who had applied for + permission to view the last sad scene.</p> + + <p>LARRIKIN's melancholy end will doubtless operate as a + warning and an example to many romantic youths, who are only + too easily led away by the morbid desire for notoriety, which + is so prevalent nowadays, and which is so difficult either to + account for, or discourage.—(<i>Special Descriptive + Report</i>.)</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page264" + id="page264"></a>[pg 264]</span> + + <h2>IN OUR GARDEN.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, November</i> 24.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/264-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/264-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Charmed to have a visit from OLD MORALITY to-day. Most kind + of him to find time to run down, seeing all he has on hand. But + he's a really good fellow, of the kind who in all circumstances + find time to do a friendly thing. Always from the first taken a + friendly interest in our little experiment. He is, indeed, + indirectly personally responsible for its undertaking. If I + hadn't come across him playing leapfrog before dinner with + AKERS—DOUGLAS and JACKSON, as mentioned some weeks ago, + SARK and I would never have tried this way of passing a + Recess.</p> + + <p>Hadn't heard OLD MORALITY was going to look in. Expect he + wasn't sure he could get away from Cabinet Council, and so + didn't write. When I came upon him he was standing absorbed in + contemplation of ARPACHSHAD. ARPACHSHAD, himself, so engrossed + in problem occupying his mind, that he did not notice our + visitor. Had started yesterday cutting grass on lawn with + machine. Getting on pretty well with it till, this morning, + wind rose, blowing half a gale from Westward. ARPACHSHAD + discovered that, starting with machine from the Westward, he, + with wind blowing astern, got on capitally; but coming back, + with wind ahead, there was decided addition to labour of + propelling machine. When OLD MORALITY arrived, ARPACHSHAD had + halted midway across the lawn, and was looking Westward with + air of profound and troubled cogitation.</p> + + <p>"I know what he's thinking of," said OLD MORALITY, whose + Parliamentary experience has made him an adept at + thought-reading; "he's wondering if it's possible to mow the + lawn all from the Westward, so that he would have the wind + behind him throughout the operation."</p> + + <p>No doubt OLD MORALITY had fathomed depth of ARPACHSHAD's + meditations. Pretty to see his manoeuvring: Went down full-sail + with assistance of favouring gale; tried to tack back, bearing + away to the North; when he'd got a little way, slewed round to + the West, going off before the wind to edge of lawn. Finally + borne in upon him that the position was inexorable. He couldn't + go with the wind all the time; must retrace his steps; by + tacking was really covering more ground than need be; was, in + fact, doing more work than he had intended. Shocked at this + discovery proceeded to follow ordinary course. Presently + catching sight of solitary leaf careering down walk, fetched + broom, and tenderly tickled the gravel in pursuit of the + leaf.</p> + + <p>"There is," SARK sharply observed, "nothing ARPACHSHAD + enjoys more than dusting the walk with a broom. It is a process + that combines the maximum of appearance of hard work with the + minimum of exertion."</p> + + <p>OLD MORALITY pretty lively in anticipation of Session, which + opens to-morrow. Always inclined to take sanguine view of + situation. Doesn't vary now. "Oh, you leave it to us, TOBY, + dear boy." he said, when I expressed hope that he would not + risk his precious life and health by overdoing it. "We've got a + splendid programme, and mean to pull through every Bill. Didn't + do much last year, it is true: but don't you see the advantage + of that? If we'd passed all our Bills last Session, must have + arranged a new programme this year, involving considerable + labour. As it is we turn a handle, and there are all the old + things once more; homely and friendly; as the poet says, 'All, + all, are come, the old familiar faces.' There's the Irish Local + Government Bill, the Tithes Bill, Employers' Liability, and a + troop of others. All been brought in before; everybody knows + about them; if we don't pass them this Session they must come + up again next."</p> + + <p>"Ha!" said SARK; "so there is to be a next Session."</p> + + <p>"Certainly," said OLD MORALITY—"and we would have + another, if we could. In fact, I'm not quite sure whether it + may not be managed. We are always suspending Standing Orders, + of one kind or another. It is a Standing Order of the + Constitution that no Parliament shall sit longer than seven + years. Very good—in an ordinary way, excellent; though, + perhaps, a little too liberal in its arrangements when Mr. G. + is in power. But as you, TOBY, may, in earlier years, + diligently striving after improvement in caligraphy, have had + occasion to note, Circumstances alter Cases. Here we are, a + contented Government, with a Parliamentary majority always to + be relied upon. Why disturb an ordered state of affairs, and + plunge the country into the turmoil and expense of a General + Election? Why not bring in a short Bill to suspend the + Septennial Act, and let the present Parliament go on sitting + indefinitely? Why should the Long Parliament remain a monopoly + of the Seventeenth Century? I do not mind telling you (this, of + course, in confidence) that we have talked the matter over in + the Cabinet. It was the MARKISS who first started it; and, + though one or two objections have been raised, the idea is + rather growing upon us, and I should not wonder if it came to + something. You will find no mention of it in the Queen's + Speech—but that is neither there nor here."</p> + + <p>"I have noticed," said SARK, "that of late it has happened + that Bills mentioned in the Queen's Speech come to nothing, + whilst the Session is largely taken up with discussion of Bills + which find no place in that catalogue. Last year, for example, + JOKIM's Compensation Bill wasn't mentioned in the Queen's + Speech; and yet it filled a large part in the programme of the + Session."</p> + + <p>"Ah," said OLD MORALITY, changing the subject, "I see + ARPACHSHAD has nearly come up with that leaf. He'll be going to + his dinner now, I suppose, and I think I must be off. Shall see + you at the House to-morrow. Sorry for you to break up the + associations of your rural life; but that only temporary."</p> + + <p>Saw OLD MORALITY off at the station. Came back to pack up + our spade and hoe, and leave some general instructions with + ARPACHSHAD. He seems much touched at the approaching + separation. Quite unable to continue the lawn-mowing. Followed + us about with his jack-knife open, clipping here and there a + dead stem, so as to keep up an appearance of incessant + labour.</p> + + <p>"Ours is only a change of occupation, ARPACHSHAD," said + SARK. "We cease to labour here, but we carry on our work in + another field. We go to town, leaving, as the Poet GRAY might + have said, the garden to solitude and you."</p> + + <p>"Excuse <i>me</i>, Gents," said ARPACHSHAD. a look of + anxiety crossing his mobile face, "but you can't leave it to me + altogether. I could manage well enough when you were here, + helpin' and workin'. But, when you're gone, I'll have to have + at least one extry man." SARK pleased at this testimony to + value of our assistance; but it really means that ARPACHSHAD + intends to do less than ever, running us into the expense of a + second gardener.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/264-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/264-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Arrive at Fine Art Society's Place, and there look at + HOKUSAI's drawings and engravings. Who was HOKUSAI? Why, don't + you know? He was our own LIKA-JOKO's great-grandfather. + "Great-grandfather was a most wonderful man, There's none of + 'em does what great-grandfather can," except LIKA JOKO, of + course. Obliged to say this, because I know LIKA JOKO goes + about with a Daimio's two-handed sword, and he would think + nothing of giving me the cut direct. But to return to + HOKUSAI—sounds like sneezing in a Dutch dialect, doesn't + it?—his drawings are full of originality and humour; he + was possessed of wondrous versatility and great industry. He + began to draw at six, and continued till he was well-nigh + ninety. Were he flourishing now, he might illustrate the + lucubrations of</p> + + <p>Yours par-tially, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"UP ABOVE THE WORLD SO HIGH!"—See <i>Mr. Punch Among + the Planets</i>—his Christmas Number. In spite of its + title, it is not "over the heads of the People." Look out + below!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12738 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12738-h/images/253.png b/12738-h/images/253.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd09bfd --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/253.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/254.png b/12738-h/images/254.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9055eb --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/254.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/255.png b/12738-h/images/255.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..593f35b --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/255.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/256-1.png b/12738-h/images/256-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f6a5f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/256-1.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/256-2.png b/12738-h/images/256-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc06836 --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/256-2.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/257-1.png b/12738-h/images/257-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c7361c --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/257-1.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/257-2.png b/12738-h/images/257-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2f33ed --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/257-2.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/258.png b/12738-h/images/258.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b80dea2 --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/258.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/259.png b/12738-h/images/259.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a86732 --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/259.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/261-1.png b/12738-h/images/261-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..73805b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/261-1.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/261-2.png b/12738-h/images/261-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..887376f --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/261-2.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/262.png b/12738-h/images/262.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dfd19bc --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/262.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/263.png b/12738-h/images/263.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2ce3b3e --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/263.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/264-1.png b/12738-h/images/264-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4324d28 --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/264-1.png diff --git a/12738-h/images/264-2.png b/12738-h/images/264-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..be2082f --- /dev/null +++ b/12738-h/images/264-2.png |
