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diff --git a/old/12469-8.txt b/old/12469-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b4ba115 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12469-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1784 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +November 8, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., November 8, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12469] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +November 8, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. V.--MIGNON'S MESS-ROOM. + +(_BY_ TOM RUM SUMMER, _AUTHOR OF "MIGNON'S MA," "MIGNON'S HUB," +"FOOTLE'S FATHER," "TOOTLE'S TOOTSIE," "UGLY TOM," "YOUR RICH +RICHARD," "A BABY IN BARRACKS," "STUCK," "HOOP-LORE," "WENT FOR THAT +PLEECEMAN," &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C._) + + ["This," writes the eminent Author, "is a _real, true_ story + of the life of soldiers and children. Soldiers are _grand, + noble_ fellows. They are so _manly_, and all smoke a great + deal of tobacco. My drawl is the only genuine one. I could do + a lot more of the same sort, but I charge extra for pathos. + I'm a man.--T.R.S."] + +CHAPTER I. + + "Three blind mice-- + See how they run." + --_Old Song_, + +The Officers of the Purple Dragoons were gathered together in their +ante-room. It was a way they had. They were all there. Grand fellows, +too, most of them--tall, broad-shouldered, and silky-haired, and as +good as gold. That gets tiresome after a time, but everything can be +set right with one downright rascally villain--a villain, mind you, +that poor, weak women, know nothing about. GAVOR was that kind of man. +Of course that was why he was to break his neck, and get smashed up +generally. But I am anticipating, and a man should never anticipate. +EMILY, for instance, never did. EMILY--Captain EMILY, of the Purple +Dragoons--was the biggest fool in the Service. Everybody told him so; +and EMILY, who had a trustful, loving nature, always believed what he +was told. + +[Illustration] + +"I nev-ah twry," he used to say--it was a difficult word to pronounce, +but EMILY always stuck to it as only a soldier can. and got it out +somehow--"I nev-ah twry to wremember things the wwrong way wround." + +A roar of laughter greeted this sally. They all knew he meant +"anticipate," but they all loved their EMILY far too well to set him +right. + +"'Pon my soul," he continued, "it's quite twrue. You fellows may +wroawr wiv laughtewr if you like, but it's twrue, and you know it's +twrne." + +There was another explosion of what EMILY would have called +"mewrwriment," at this, for it was well-known to be one of the +gallant dragoon's most humorous efforts. A somewhat protracted silence +followed. FOOTLES, however, took it in both hands, and broke it with +no greater emotion than he would have shown if he had been called +upon to charge a whole squadron of Leicestershire Bullfinches, or +to command a Lord Mayor's escort on the 9th of November. Dear old +FOOTLES! He wasn't clever, no Purple Dragoon could be, but he wasn't +the biggest fool in the Service, like EMILY, and all the rest of them. +Still he loved another's. + +In fact, whenever a Purple Dragoon fell in love, the object of his +affections immediately pretended to love someone else. Hard lines, but +soldiers were born to suffer. It is so easy, so true, so usual to say, +"there's another day to-morrow," but that never helped even a Purple +Dragoon to worry through to-day any the quicker. Poor, brave, noble, +drawling, manly, pipe-smoking fellows! On this particular occasion +FOOTLES uttered only one word. It was short, and began with the +fourth letter of the alphabet. But he may be pardoned, for some of the +glowing embers from his magnificent briar-wood pipe had dropped on to +his regulation overalls. The result was painful--to FOOTLES. All the +others laughed as well as they could, with clays, meerschaums, briars, +and asbestos pipes in their mouths. And through the thick cloud of +scented smoke the mess-waiter came into the room, bearing in his hand +a large registered letter, and coughing violently. + +CHAPTER II. + + "The mouse ran up the clock." + --_Nursery Rhyme_. + +The waiter advanced slowly to FOOTLES, and handed him the letter. +FOOTLES took it meditatively, and turned it over in both hands. The +post-marks were illegible, and the envelope much crumpled. "Never +mind," thought FOOTLES, to himself, "it will dry straight--it will +dry straight." He always thought this twice, because it was one of his +favourite phrases. At last he decided to open it. As he broke the seal +a little cry was heard, and suddenly, before even EMILY had had time +to say "I nev-ah!" a charming and beautifully dressed girl, of about +fifteen summers, sprang lightly from the packet on to the mess-room +floor, and kissed her pretty little hand to the astonished Dragoons. + +"You're FOOTLES," she said, skipping up to the thunder-stricken owner +of the name. "I know you very well. I'm going to be your daughter, +and you're going to marry my mother. Oh, it's all right," she +continued, as she observed FOOTLES press his right hand convulsively +to the precise spot on his gorgeous mess-waistcoat under which he +imagined his heart to be situated, "it's all right. Pa's going to +be comfortably killed, and put out of the way, and then you'll +marry darling Mamma. She'll be a thousand times more beautiful at +thirty-three than she was at twenty-two, and _ever_ so much more +lovely at fifty-five than at thirty-three. So it's a good bargain, +isn't it, EM?" This to EMILY, who appeared confused. She trotted up +to him, and laid her soft blooming cheek against his blooming hard +one. "Never mind, EM," she lisped, "everything is bound to come out +right. I've settled it all"--this with a triumphant look on her +baby-face--"with the author; such a splendid writer, none of your +twaddling women-scribblers, but a real man, and a great friend of +mine. I'm to marry you, EM. You don't know it, because you once loved +NAOMI, who 'mawrwried the Wrevewrend SOLOMON'"--at this point most +of the Purple Dragoons were rude enough to yawn openly. She paid no +attention to them--"and now you love OLIVE, but she loves PARKACK, +and he doesn't love her, so she has got to marry PARKOSS, whom she +doesn't love. Their initials are the same, and everybody knows their +caligraphy is exactly alike," she went on wearily, "so that's how the +mistake arose. It's a bit far-fetched, but," and her arch smile as she +said this would have melted a harder heart than Captain EMILY's, "we +mustn't be too particular in a soldier's tale, you know." + +As she concluded her remarks the door opened, and Colonel PURSER +entered the room. + +CHAPTER III. + + "Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man." + --_Old Ballad_. + +Colonel PURSER was a stout, plethoric man. He was five feet seven +inches high, forty-five inches round the chest, fifty inches round +the waist, and every inch of him was a soldier. He was, therefore, a +host in himself. He gasped, and turned red, but, like a real soldier, +at once grasped the situation. The Colonel was powerful, and the +situation, in spite of all my pains, was not a strong one. The +struggle was short. + +"Pardon me," said the Colonel, when he had recovered his wind, "is +your name MIGNON?" + +"Yes," she replied, as the tears brimmed over in her lovely eyes, +"it is. I am a simple soldier's child, but, oh, I can run so +beautifully--through ever so many volumes, and lots of editions. In +fact," she added, confidentially, "I don't see why I should stop at +all, do you? EMILY _must_ marry me. He can't marry OLIVE, because +Dame Nature put in _her_ eyes with a dirty finger. Ugh! I've got +blue eyes." + +"But," retorted the Colonel, quickly, "shall you never quarrel?" + +"Oh yes," answered MIGNON, "there will come a rift in the hitherto +perfect lute of our friendship (the rift's name will be DARKEY), but +we shall manage to bridge it over--at least TOM RUM SUMMER says so." +Here EMILY broke in. He could stand it no longer. "Dash it, you know, +this is wewry extwraowrdinawry, wewry extwraowrdinawry indeed," he +observed; "You'wre a most wremawrkable young woman, you know." + +A shout of laughter followed this remark, and in the fog of +tobacco-smoke Colonel PURSER could be dimly seen draining a magnum +of champagne. + +CHAPTER IV. + + "Hey diddle, diddle." + --_Songs and Romances_. + +Everything fell out exactly as MIGNON prophesied. But if you think +that you've come to the end of MIGNON, I can only say you're very much +astray, or as EMILY, with his smooth silky voice, and his smoother +silkier manners, would have said, "You'wre wewry much astwray." See my +next dozen stories. + + THE END. (_Pro tem._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD STUMPER. + +"WHAT IS FASHION? 'AFTER A FASHION HAS BEEN DISCARDED--IF YOU HAVE +ONLY PATIENCE TO WAIT LONG ENOUGH--YOU WILL FIND YOU WILL GET BACK TO +IT.' LOOK AT MY COLLARS!--AND UMBRELLA!!" [_See Mr. Gladstone's Speech +during the recent Midlothian Campaign._)] + +AIR--"_WAIT A LITTLE LONGER._" + + There's a good time coming, friends, + That flood is flowing stronger; + The reigning mode in failure ends, + Wait a little longer! + Fashion _is_ ever on the wing, + Arch-enemy of Beauty. + Now, when we get a first-rate thing, + To stick to it's our duty. + But no, the whirling wheel must whirl, + The zig-zag go zig-zagging; + The wig to-day must crisply curl, + That yesterday was bagging. + But good things _do_ come "bock agen." + For banishment but stronger + (With bonnets or with Grand Old Men), + Wait a little longer! + + From Eighty unto Eighty-Five + These collars were the rage, friends; + Didn't we keep the game alive, + In spite of creeping age, friends? + But oh, that horrid Eighty-Six! + They deemed me fairly settled, + As though just ferried o'er the Styx, + But I was tougher mettled. + I knew the fashion would return + For just this size of collar. + (And that's a lesson they'll soon learn, + You bet your bottom dollar.) + Bless you, I'm "popping up again," + For four years' fighting stronger. + Once more I'm here to fire the train-- + Wait a little longer! + + I've told you all about BALFOUR, + And his black Irish scandals; + (With side-lights upon days of yore, + My bachelor life, and candles.) + I've touched on Disestablishment + (I trust you'll not say _thinly_), + On Eight Hours Bills a speech I've spent, + And scarified M'KINLEY. + And now, to wind up, I'll explain + My favourite views on Fashion: + _Big Collars will come back again!!!_ + 'Twill raise the Tories' passion. + But, with these Collars, this Umbrella, + I'd face them, though thrice stronger! + Friends--trust once more your Grand Old Fella, + And--wait a _leetle_ longer! + + * * * * * + +A BOOTHIFUL IDEA! + +Just finished my article on "Antediluvian Archæology in its relation +to Genesis and the Iliad," and now all that remains to do is to +carry the rest of my books down to the new library, make catalogue, +consider subjects for five more speeches, write thirty-six letters and +postcards, and polish off the ten last clauses of the Home-Rule Bill. +This idleness is oppressive. Not used to it. What shall I do? + +Piles of correspondence by morning post! What _can_ this be about? +Ah! I remember now! _Nineteenth Century_ just out, of course. Glad +I thought of starting "Society of Universal Beneficence." Will keep +me going after excitement of Midlothian. Wonder how many people +will "bind themselves to give away a fixed proportion of their +income,"--also what the proportion will be, if they do. Don't know if +I _should_ have thought of it, if it hadn't been for General BOOTH's +book. Remarkable person, the General. Perhaps he'd order his Army to +vote solid for Home Rule, if I offered him a place in my next Cabinet? +Must sound him on the subject. Salvationists quite a power now. Can't +cut Field-Marshal VON BOOTH _up_ in a Magazine, so must cut him _out_ +instead! + +Ha! Letter from LABOUCHERE, of all people. H--m! Says he's "glad to +see I've started Universal Beneficence Society. Thought of doing so +himself once." Congratulates me on turning my attention to "Social +Reform." Says he thinks it's an "Ecclesent idea,"--he must mean +"Excellent," surely! + +"Inquirer"--(post-mark, Hatfield. Curious circumstance, +rather)--writes to ask for details of the Society. "Prefers at present +to remain anonymous," but an answer sent to "S., Hatfield House," will +always find him! Meanwhile, encloses postal order for one pound ten +shillings a "fixed proportion of his income," as he sees that I've +"offered to make myself the careful recipient of any assents," by +which he supposes that I mean cash. A little embarrassing! + +Take stroll in Park to collect my thoughts. Find two leading Belfast +linen-merchants busily gathering up sawdust, &c, round tree I +felled yesterday. They explain that they've been "much interested +in my novel idea of converting chips of wood into best cambric +pocket-handkerchiefs," and think that it beats General BOOTH's notion +of making children's toys out of old sardine-tins hollow. I should +rather think it did! Still, have to confess that I'm _not_ ready +at present to "quote them my wholesale price for best oak-shavings +delivered free on rail." + +Telegram from--CHAMBERLAIN! Says he sees the new Society's one +of "universal" beneficence, and supposes it includes him! Quite a +mistake! Sends cheque for three pounds, and hopes I'll "keep a strict +account of all sums received, and issue a report and balance-sheet +shortly." Really, very injudicious of me to use word "universal"! +Ought to have expressly excluded Liberal-Unionists (so-called), from +my plan. That's where General BOOTH has advantage of me. _He_ probably +doesn't exclude anybody that wants to send him money. Perhaps, after +all, he knows how to do this sort of thing better than I do. + +Wire to him, and hand him over the money I've already received, also +ask him to start a "universally beneficent" branch of Salvation Army. +Receive reply, accepting my offer, in no time! General adds that he +has a staff appointment in his Army waiting for me, and that he would +like my good lady to become a Salvation Lass. Requires consideration +and--hem--consultation! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASY FOR THE JUDGES. + +_Geoffrey_ (_to rejected Candidate for honours at the Dog Show_). +"NEVER MIND, SMUT! WE'LL HAVE A DOG SHOW THAT SHALL BE ALL CATS EXCEPT +YOU, AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE IT ALL YOUR OWN WAY!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE PASTEL EXHIBITION. + +IN THE ANTE-ROOM. + +_A Niece_. Just one moment, Auntie, dear; _do_ look and see what No. +295 is! + +_Her Aunt_ (_with a Catalogue--and a conscience_). Two hundred and +ninety-five! Before we have even seen No. 1? No, my dear, no. Let us +take things in their proper order--or not at all. (_Perambulates the +galleries for some minutes, refraining religiously from looking at +anything but the numbers._) Ah, _here_ it is--Number One! _Now_, +ETHEL, I'm ready to tell you anything you please! + +_First Matter-of-Fact Person_. Ah, here's another of the funny ones! +[_Is suddenly seized with depression._ + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ Y-yes. (_Examines it gloomily._) What's it all +about? + +_First M.-of-F.P._ (_blankly_). Oh, well, it's a Pastel--I don't +suppose it's meant to be about anything in particular, you know. + +_The Conscientious Aunt_ (_before No. 129_). "_The Sprigged Frock_"? +Yes, that must be the one. I suppose those _are_ meant for sprigs--but +I can't make out the pattern. She _might_ have made her hair a little +tidier--such a bush! and I never _do_ think blue and green go well +together, myself. + + [_They come to a portrait of a charming lady in grey, by_ Mr. + SOLOMON. + +_The Niece_ (_with a sense of being on firm ground at last_). Why, +it's ELLEN TERRY! See if it isn't, Auntie. + +_The C.A._ (_referring to Catalogue_). + + "The leaves of Memory seemed to + Make a mournful rustling." + +--that's all it _says_ about it. + +_The Niece_ (_finding a certain vagueness in this as a description_). +Oh! But there are _no_ leaves--unless it means the leaves in the book +she's reading. Still I think it _must_ be ELLEN TERRY; don't you? + +_The C.A._ (_cautiously_.) Well, my dear, I always think it's as +well not to be too positive about a portrait till you know who it +was painted from. + + [_The_ Matter-of-Fact Persons _have arrived at a Pastel + representing several green and yellow ladies seated undraped + around a fountain, with fiddles suspended to the branches + above._ + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ "_Marigolds_," that's called. I don't _see_ any +though. [_With a sense of being imposed upon._ + +_First M.-of-F.P._ I think _I_ do--yes, those orange spots in the +green. They're meant for Marigolds, but there aren't very many of +them, are there? And why should they all be sitting on the grass +like that? Enough to give them their deaths of cold! + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ I expect they've been bathing. + +_First M.-of-F.P._ They couldn't _all_ bathe in that fountain, and +then what do you make of their bringing out their violins? + + [_The other_ M.-of-F. Person _making nothing of it, they pass + on._ + +_An Irritable Philistine_. Nonsense, Sir, you _can't_ admire them, +don't tell _me_! Do you mean to say _you_ ever saw all those blues, +and greens, and yellows, in Nature, Sir? + +_His Companion_. I mean to say that that is how Nature appears to +an eye trained to see things in a true and not a merely conventional +light. + +_The I.P._. Then all _I_ can say is, that if things ever appeared to +_me_ as unconventionally as all that, I should go straight home and +take a couple of liver pills, Sir. I should! + +_First Frivolous Old Lady_. Here's another of them, my dear. It's no +use, we've _got_ to admire it, this is the kind of thing you and I +must be educated up to in our old age! + +_Second F.O.L._ It makes me feel as if I was on board a yacht, that's +all I know--just look at the perspective in that room, all slanted up! + +_First F.O.L._ That's your ignorance, my dear, it's quite the right +perspective for a Pastel, it's our rooms that are all wrong--not these +clever young gentlemen. + + [_They go about chuckling and poking old ladylike fun at all + the more eccentric Pastels, and continue to enjoy themselves + immensely._ + +_First M.-of-F.P. (they have come to a Pastel depicting a young woman +seated on the Crescent Moon, nursing an infant_). H'm--very peculiar. +_I_ never saw Diana represented with a _baby_ before--did _you_? + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ No--(_hopefully_)--but perhaps it's intended for +somebody else. But it's _not_ the place _I_ should choose to nurse an +infant in. It doesn't look safe, and it can't be very comfortable. + + [_They go on into a smaller room, and come upon a sketch of a + small child, with an immense red mouth, and no visible nose, + eyes, or legs._ + +_First M.-of-F.P._ "_Little Girl in Black_"--what a very plain child, +to be sure! + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ What there _is_ of it; but it looks to me as if +the artist had spent so much time over the black that he forgot to put +in the little girl--he's got her _mouth_, though. + +_First M.-of-F.P._. Well, if it was _my_ child, I should insist upon +having the poor little thing more finished than that--even if I had to +pay extra for it. + + [_A_ Superior Person _has entered the West Gallery, + accompanied by a_ Responsive Lady, _who has already grasped + the fact that a taste for Pastels is the sure sign of a + superior nature._ + +_The R.L._. Isn't that portrait quite wonderful! Wouldn't you take it +for an oil-painting? + +_The S.P._. One might--without some experience--which is just where +it is so entirely wrong. A Pastel has no business to imitate the +_technique_ of any other medium. + +_The R.L._ Oh, I think you are _so_ right. Because, after all, it _is_ +only a Pastel, isn't it? and it oughtn't to pretend to be anything +else. (_She looks reproachfully at the too ambitious Pastel_.) And it +isn't as if it was _successful_, either--it won't bear being looked +into at all closely. + +_The S.P._ You should never look at a Pastel closely; they are meant +to be seen from a distance. + +_The R.L._ (_brightly_). Or else you miss the effect? I _quite_ +see. Now, I like _this_--(_indicating a vague and streaky little +picture_)--don't you? That's what I call a _real_ Pastel. + +_The S.P._ (_screwing up his eyes_). H'm! Yes. Perhaps. Clever-ish. +Suggestive. + +_The R.L._ (_shocked_). Oh, _do_ you think so? I don't see anything of +_that_ kind in it--at least, I don't think it can be _intentional_. + +_The S.P._ The beauty of Art _is_ to suggest, to give work for the +imagination. + +_The R.L._ (_recovering herself_). I know so _exactly_ what you +mean--just as one makes all sorts of things out of the patches of damp +on an old ceiling? + +_The S.P._ Hardly. I should define Damp as the product of Nature--not +_Art_. + +_The R.L._ Oh, yes; if you put it in that way, of _course_! I only +meant it as an illustration--the two things are really as different +as possible. (_Changes the subject._) They don't seem to mind _what_ +coloured paper they use for Pastels, do they? + +_The S.P._ (_oracularly_). It is--er--always advisable in Pastels +to use a tone of paper to harmonise as nearly as possible with the +particular tone you--er--want. Because, you see, as the colour doesn't +always cover the _whole_ of the paper, if the paper which shows +through is different in tone, it--er-- + +_The R.L._ Won't match? I _see_. How clever! (_She arrives at a highly +eccentric composition, and ventures upon an independent opinion._) Now +I can't say I care for _that_--there's so very little done to it, and +what there is is so glaring and _crude_, don't you think? I call it +_stupid_. + +_The S.P._ I was just about to say that it is the cleverest thing in +the Exhibition--from an artistic point of view. No special interest in +it, but the scheme of colour very harmonious--and very decorative. + +_The R.L._ Oh, _isn't_ it? That's _just_ the right word for it--it is +_so_ decorative! and I do like the scheme of colour. Yes, it's very +clever. I quite feel _that_ about it. (_With a gush_.) It is _so_ nice +looking at pictures with somebody who has exactly the same tastes as +oneself. And I always _was_ fond of pastilles! + +_A Pavement Pastellist_ (_to a friend_). Well, JIM, I dunno what _you_ +think, but I call it a shellin' clean chucked away, I do. I come in +yere,--hearin' as all the subjicks was done in chorks, same as I do my +own--I come in on the chance o' pickin' up a notion or two as might be +useful to me in my perfession. But, Lor, they ain't got a ideer among +'em, that they ain't! They ain't took the measure of the popilar taste +not by a nundred miles, they 'aven't. Why, I ain't seen a single +thing as I'd reckincile it to my conscience to perduce before _my_ +public--there ain't 'ardly a droring in the 'ole bloomin' show as I'd +be seen settin' down beyind! Put down some of these 'ere Pastellers +to do a mouse a nibbling at a candle, or a battle in the Soudang, or a +rat snifin' at a smashed hegg, and you'd soon see _they_ was no good! +Precious few coppers 'ud fall into _their_ 'ats, I'll go bail! [_Exit +indignantly, as Scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +EXCELLENT EXAMPLE. + +In a recent trial for Breach of Promise, a letter was read from +Defendant saying that "he must now get a monkey;" whereupon the +"learned Under-Sheriff," as reported in the _Daily Telegraph_, +exclaimed, "A Monkey! What the goodness does he mean?" Now, isn't that +better than saying, "What the deuce?" Of course, no doubt the learned +Under-Sheriff is suficiently learned to remember the old rhyme-- + + "There was an old man of Domingo + Who'd a habit of swearing, 'By Jingo!' + But a friend having come + Who suggested 'By Gum!' + He preferred it at once to 'By Jingo!'" + +The goodness of the learned Under-Sheriff is worthy of all praise, and +of general imitation. + + * * * * * + +SWEETS TO THE SWEET.--It is stated that one of the features of the +Lord Mayor's Show this year is to be a Detachment of the Survivors of +the Balaclava Charge. This is an excellent idea, that may be developed +to almost any extent. Could we not have the Hero who had read every +Novel that has been published during the last six months; the Brave +Man who has been to every Dramatic _Matinée_ since January; and the +Scorner of Death, who has existed during an entire season in the +odours (sweet, or otherwise) of Kensington and Tyburnia? The latter on +the present occasion might immediately precede the Lord MAYOR Elect, +for, by association of ideas, he would certainly serve as an excellent +foil to Mr. Alderman SAVORY! + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday_.--_Rentrée_ of Miss MAGGIE MCINTYRE, appropriately enough as +_Margherita_. "She's Macintyrely first-rate," says our _blasé_ young +man, on being caught napping after the Opera, and interviewed on the +spot, "but can't say much for the rest,"--except the rest he took +himself. + +[Illustration: Our Reporter hoff to the Hopera.] + +_Tuesday_.--Our _blasé_ young man went to this, but as we only saw +him for a moment passing in a cab, when he looked out, and bade us a +"Good night," we can only suppose that it was "a good night" at the +Opera. He writes to say that the performance of _The Huguenots_ was +excellent, GIULIA RAVOGLI being specially good, but the draughts too +strong. _What draughts?_ + +[Illustration: Miss Damian as La Cieca feeling her way.] + +_Wednesday_.--_La Gioconda_. A good performance all round. But the +night specially memorable as being the first appearance of Miss GRACE +DAMIAN on the stage of the Royal Italian Opera anywhere. It is a +good omen for her that she appeared in Signor PONCHIELLI's Opera, +the composer being a distant connection of the great ancient Italian +family of the PONCINELLI, of which _Mr. Punch_ is now the chief +universal representative. It is a remarkable fact, too, showing the +strong force of canine attachment, which centuries cannot obliterate, +that the _Libretto_ of _La Gioconda_, set to music by Signor +PONCHIELLI (the "h" came in when the genuine liquid "n" was dropped) +was written by TOBIA GORRIO. That an Opera, written by TOBIA, or +TOBY, and composed by PUNCINELLO, should possess all the elements of +success, goes without saying. We welcome Signor GALASSI (a sporting +title, reminding us of _Gay Lass_), with MARIA PERI (who must appear +in _Il Paradiso_), and GIULIA RAVOGLI. Her Grace of DAMIAN made a most +successful _début_ as _La Cieca_, and was cheered to the echo. Thank +Heaven, there isn't an echo in Covent Garden--but, if there had been, +Echo would have repeated hospitably the "good cheer" a dozen times, as +she does somewhere about Killarney. Signor LAGO stars "HER MAJESTY +THE QUEEN" at the head of his bill, but it is only to say that +Her Gracious MAJESTY has been graciously pleased to honour him by +subscribing for the Royal Box during the present season, which is, +in effect, saying that he has _let the best box in the house for a +Sovereign!_ + +_Thursday Night_.--ALBANI as the unhappy _Traviata_. Big and +enthusiastic House. Signor PADILLA, as the Elder _Germont_, excellent, +and just contrived most gracefully to refuse the honour of an _encore_ +for his "_Di Provenza_." Since RONCONI, it is difficult to call to +mind an artist equal histrionically to Signor PADILLA, who is so grave +and impressive as that utter bore, "the Elder _Germont_," so gay and +eccentric as _Figaro_, and so dashing and reckless as the unscrupulous +_Don Giovanni_. That milksop, _Germont_ Junior, known as _Alfredo_, +was adequately played by Signor GIANNINI, whose name, were it spelt +GIA-"NINNY," would partly describe the character he represented. + +_Friday Night_.--Our _blasé_ young man writes to say, "I am suffering +from effects of draughts at Opera. Think it must be some Operatic air +which has given me cold. It's a gruel case for yours truly." + +_Saturday Night_.--Occasion described as "popular;" and, consequently, +_Il Trovatore_ announced. A little old-fashioned, but what of that? +VERDI just the composer "to keep your memory green." Alas! cold once +more to the front. The _blasé_ one "still off duty, so no reliable +report to hand." No doubt everything passed off pleasantly. _Manrico_ +obviously, when on the stage, more of a man than _Germont_ Junior. +The standing line has been, "large audience much pleased with the +entertainment." Altogether a successful week.' + + * * * * * + +MEM. FOR VISITORS TO LONDON.--Don't forget to look in at the +bird-pictures of STACEY MARKS, R.A. _Stay, see Marks!_ See Marks! They +are land-marks in the history of Modern Art. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.--NO. VI., "_Thrums on the Auld String_," +next week. + + * * * * * + +TO ENGELBERG AND BACK. + +_BEING A FEW NOTES TAKEN EN ROUTE IN SEARCH OF A PERFECT CURE._ + +"Give him another month here, and he'll be giving you all the slip, +and walking back to Calais on foot." Young JERRYMAN is commenting on +the wonderful restoration that has taken place in the condition of the +Dilapidated One, who has just been detected having a row on the lake, +all by himself. Not that this is a very prodigious aquatic feat, +seeing that three or four good strokes either way take you either +into the bank, or on to the heels or tails of a couple of very +ill-tempered, and irascible swans, who appear to think, and with some +reason, that there's not too much waterway as it is, and resent the +intrusion of the boat on their domain as a ridiculous superfluity. +However, the effort is one that the Dilapidated One would not have +ventured on at his arrival a month since, and as our time is up, and +we are starting on our return journey home in about half-an-hour's +time, we hail it as an indication that if he has not quite obtained +the Perfect Cure, that his medical man promised him, as the result of +a trip to this delightful spot, he is certainly not far off it. + +But the best things must come to an end, and so we find ourselves at +length, with much regret, taking our farewell of that excellent and +capitally-conducted "Perfect Kurhaus" the Hôtel Titlis. And this +reminds me, that in justice to that establishment, I ought to state +that some comments I made last week on German feeding in general, in +no way were meant to refer to the _table d'hôte_ at the Hôtel Titlis, +which, served in a lofty and well-ventilated _salon_, lighted by +electricity, to four hundred people daily, a capitally well-appointed +meal, is one of the notable features of the place. The smoke-stifled +children of the Fatherland, who shut every window they come across +when they get a chance, though they would dearly like to, cannot carry +their tricks on here. Sometimes, but not very often, they rally in +force, and render the "_Grosser Gesellschafts Saal_" a sort of Tophet +to the ordinary Briton; but the "_Speise Saal_", where smoking is +"_verboten_," is happily beyond their reach. But the hour of departure +has come, and quitting his comfortable establishment with much regret, +we bid good-bye to the courteous Herr CATTANI, and with a crack of the +whip we are off, dashing down the valley, and leaving Engelberg up on +its heights as a pleasant dream behind us. + +[Illustration: Putting Up for the Winter] + +And what is Engelberg? There is, first and foremost, _par excellence_, +the feature of the place--the Hôtel Titlis; then the Monastery, with +the Brethren of the Bell-rope; and _the_ Street. This is unique. Set +out with a _Châlet_ here, a Swiss _Pension_ there, a Chapel perched up +on a little hill on one side, and a neatly new-made farmhouse stuck +up on the other, with cattle (not omitting their dinner-bells) dotted +about here and there in the bright green meadows that creep up to, and +melt into, the pine-woods stretching from the base of the grand rugged +snow-capped heights that tower in every direction above, you get +thoroughly impressed with the idea that the whole place is nothing but +a box of toys, set out for the season (probably by the Monks), who, +you feel convinced, are only waiting for the departure of the last +visitor, to get out the box, and carefully pack away _Châlet_, and +_Pension_, Chapel and peasant for the winter months, with a view to +keeping them fresh for production in the early summer of next year. + +However, whatever its fate, Engelberg is left behind us, and we find +ourselves tearing down the Practical Joking Engineers' Road at a +break-neck pace, and hurrying on to Calais, once more to take our +places on our steady old friend, the _Calais-Douvres_, that helps to +deposit us finally at Charing Cross, where we are bound to admit that +the air, whatever it is, is emphatically _not_ the air of Engelberg. +But everybody who has seen him, says the Dilapidated One has come back +"twice the man he was". So we must take it that our journey has not +been in vain. + + * * * * * + +ADDITIONAL TITLE.--Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, after his brilliant letters in +the _D.T._, worthy of _The Light of the World_, will be remembered in +Japan as a "first-rate sort of Jap." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +WELLS, GARDNER, DARTON & Co. publish a very good selection of tales +for young people. Among the best are _Tom's Opinion_, a boy whose ever +readily-expressed opinion is made to change pretty often; and _Halt_! +by the same author. The title is suggestive of military manoeuvres, +but it's only a term for obeying quickly, which is hard to do +sometimes. _Gregory of the Foretop_, _Abbot's Cleeve_, and _Going for +a Soldier_, are three books containing several stories suitable to +mere grown-up young people,--so the sooner they grow up the better for +the sale of the books. They are all edited by J. ERSKINE CLARKE, M.A. + +FREDERICK WARNE & CO. give us _Young England's Nursery Tales_, +illustrated by CONSTANCE HASLEWOOD. _Noah's Ark_, by DARLBY DALE, +which is not the Ark of the nursery, but a story of the Norfolk +Broads. Perhaps "Norfolk Broads" would have suggested stories that +could _not_ be told in a drawing-room. As to _Bits about Horses for +Every Day_, selected and illustrated by S. TURNER,--well, what would +horses be without "bits?" These are not tit-bits. Might do for a +Bridle gift. + +_The Love of a Lady_, by Miss ANNIE THOMAS, otherwise Mrs. PENDER +CUDLIP, like most of this authoress's novels, is full of interest. It +is in the regulation three volumes, but appears as if it had wished +to be in two, and would have been had not large type insisted upon +the addition of a third tome. The love of a lady is transferred, +during the course of the story, from an artist, who appears in the +last chapter "in threadbare clothes, with broken, patched boots on +his feet" (not on his Hands, _bien entendu_), to a "well-tailored" +novelist. As the lady to whom "the love" originally belonged was +"a popular illustrator," it was only natural that the question of +appearances should play an important part in determining its ultimate +destination. + +Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM is never so much in his element as when he +revels in gore and guilt. In _Locusta_, in one bulky volume, he tells +of "the crime" and "the chastisement." The first is associated with "a +house with curtained windows," "an Italian swordsman," "entombed," and +"a maimed lion," and the second is developed in chapters headed, "The +Hunter lets fly a Poisoned Shaft," "The Silver Dish of Tarts," "The +First Victim Falls," "A Dreadful Accuser," and last, but not least, +"The Vengeance is Crowned." As the story begins in 1612, and ends with +the words, "HENRY, Prince of WALES, art thou not avenged?" it will +be seen, that Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM has seized this opportunity to +pleasantly illustrate an incident from English history. + +My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Land of Fancy. He +expresses delight at two books called respectively, _Dreams by +French Firesides_ and _English Fairy Tales_. The first is supposed +to have been written before Paris in 1870-71 by a German soldier +who had turned his thoughts to his home and children in the far-off +Fatherland. The second deals with British folk-lore, and is racy +of the soil. Both works are full of capital illustrations. He has, +moreover, read _He Went for a Soldier_, the WYNTER Annual of JOHN +STRANGE of that ilk. But what had the soldier done, that "he" should +"go for him"? The answer to this conundrum will be ascertained on +reading the book. _Nutshell Novels_, by J. ASHBY STERRY, is also a +volume that repays perusal. The Lazy Poet has turned his leisure to +good account--the stories he tells are excellent. + +Had the delightfully original _Alice in Wonderland_, and _Through the +Looking-Glass_, never been written, I doubt much if we should ever +have seen _Maggie in Mythica_, by F.B. DOVETON, who announces it +apologetically, as "his first"--perhaps it maybe his "unique" fairy +story,--and he adds, that he has "kept out of the beaten track as far +as possible." "_As far as possible_" is good, for never was there +such an example of the "sincerest flattery" than in this undeniable +imitation of _Alice in Wonderland_. Some of the illustrations, by J. +HARRINGTON WILSON, are not quite as weak as the text, while the best +of them only serve to heighten our appreciation of "Our" Mr. TENNIEL's +pictures in _Alice_, and its companion volume. But the very title, +_Maggie in Mythica_, recalls at once _Alice in Wonderland_, but the +lovers of _Alice_, who being attracted by this title may purchase +this book under the impression that "it is the same concern," will +soon find out their mistake, though it may perhaps amuse a very much +younger generation who know not _Alice_, if such a generation exist, +which muchly we beg to doubt. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MORNING CALL. + +_The Vicar_. "AND WHAT'S _YOUR_ NAME, MY DEAR?" + +_Child of the Period_. "WELL--_YOU_ OUGHT TO KNOW! YOU _KWISTENED_ +ME!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_BEFORE MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH._) + +_AN OFFICER OF VOLUNTEERS INTRODUCED._ + +_The Commissioner_. Well, what can I do for you, Captain? + +_Officer of Volunteers_. Hush, Sir! If you were heard to give me my +military rank, you would be the cause of covering me with ridicule! + +_The Com._ Ridicule! Are you _not_ a Captain? + +_Off._ Certainly, Sir. I hold Her Majesty's Commission, and am +supposed to be one of the defenders of the country. + +_The Com._ Then why should you not be credited with the rank to which +you are entitled? + +_Off._ Because, Sir, I am only a Captain of Volunteers. + +_The Com._ But surely the British Army is composed entirely of +Volunteers? + +_Off._ That is the national boast, Sir. But then, you see, I receive +no pay. + +_The Com._ Which does not prevent you from working? + +_Off._ On the contrary, Sir, nearly all my leisure is devoted to the +study of what I may, perhaps, be permitted to call my supplementary +profession. + +_The Com._ What are your duties? + +_Off._ Almost too numerous to enumerate. Before I received my +Commission, I had to undertake to make myself proficient in everything +appertaining to the rank to which I was appointed. This entailed a +month's hard work (five or six hours a day in the barrack-square), at +one of the Schools of Instruction. + +_The Com._ Well, let us suppose that you _have_ become duly qualified +to command a company--what next? + +_Off._ Having reached this point, I find myself called upon to work +as hard as any Line officer on full pay. True, I have not (except +when the battalion is camping out, or taking part in manoeuvres), to +trouble myself with matters connected with the Commissariat, but in +every other respect my position is exactly analogous to my brother +officers in other branches of the QUEEN's Service. I have to attend +numerous drills, and perform the duties, at stated intervals, of the +Orderly Room. Besides this, I have to see that every parade is well +attended by the men of my company. This entails, as you may imagine, +time and trouble. + +_The Com._ May I take it that it is less difficult to command +Volunteers than Regulars? + +_Off._ That is a matter of opinion. If a Volunteer officer can bring +to bear his social position (for instance, should his men be his +tenants, or in his employment), he may find the task of command an +easy one. But should the battalion to which he belongs be composed of +that large class of persons who consider "one man as good as another, +and better," no little tact is required in keeping up discipline. +Besides this, he starts at a disadvantage. Every retirement from the +regiment means the loss of an earner of the capitation grant; and +as the maintenance of a Volunteer corps is an exceedingly expensive +matter, a "free and independent private" feels that if he withdraws, +or is forced to withdraw, his officers are practically the pecuniary +sufferers of the proceeding. + +_The Com._ Am I to understand then that the cost of a battalion falls +upon the commissioned rank? + +_Off._ Almost entirely. The officers have generally to pay a heavy +entrance fee, and subscription, and must, if they wish to be popular, +contribute largely to prize funds, entertainments, and the cost of +"marching out." Besides these charges they have to be particularly +hospitable or benevolent (either word will do) to the companies to +which they specially belong. + +_The Com._ Well, certainly, it seems that an Officer of Volunteers has +many responsibilities--what are his privileges? + +_Off._ Only one is officially recognised--the right to be snubbed! + +_The Com._ And the result? + +_Off._ That there is scarcely a corps in the kingdom without +vacancies. Men nowadays, fail to see the fun of all work and no pay, +play, or anything else. This very week a meeting is being held at +the Royal United Service Institution, to consider what can be done to +advance the interests of the officers--another word for the interests +of the whole force. + +_The Com._ You have my sympathy, and if I can help you-- + +_Off._ Not another word, Sir. The good services of _Mr. Punch_ for +the last thirty years are appreciated by all of us, and we know we can +rely upon him as confidently in the future as we have done with good +reason in the past. [_The Witness then retired._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SAME OLD GAME!" + +OLD LADY OF THREADNEEDLE STREET. "YOU'VE GOT YOURSELVES INTO A NICE +MESS WITH YOUR PRECIOUS '_SPECULATION_!' WELL--I'LL HELP YOU OUT OF +IT,--_FOR THIS ONCE!!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY SKETCH FOR NOVEMBER 5. + +MAGISTRATE LETTING OFF A CRACKER WITH A LITTLE CAUTION.] + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +(_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._) + +NO. IV.--THE GRAND OLD (JOBBING) GARDENER. + + SCENE--_the Garden of a modest Suburban Villa. Present, + Simple Citizen, with budding horticultural ambitions, and + Jobbing Gardener, "highly recommended" for skill and low + charges. The latter is a grizzled personage, very bowed as to + back, and baggy as to breeches, but in his manner combining + oracular "knowingness" and deferential plausibility in a + remarkable degree._ + +_Simple Citizen_. You see SMUGGINS, things are a little bit in the +rough here, at present. + +_Grand Old Gardener_. Ah, you may well say that, Sir! Bin allowed to +run to rack _and_ ruin, this here pooty bit o' garding has. Want a lot +o' clearing, scurryfunging, and topping and lopping, afore it'll look +anythink like. But it's got the making of a puffeck parrydise in it, a +puffeck parrydise it has--_with_ my adwice. + +_S.C._ Glad to hear you say so, SMUGGINS. Now what I propose is-- + +_G.O.G._ (_laying a horny hand on S.C.'s coat-sleeve_). If you'll +ascuse me, Sir, I'll jest give yer _my_ ideas. It'll save time. (_Lays +down artfully the lines of a plan involving radical alteration of +paths, and lawns, and beds, shifting of shrubs, cutting down of trees, +rooting up of trailers, and what he calls "toppin' an' loppin'" to a +tremendous extent._) _Then_, Sir, you'll 'ave a bit o' garding as'll +be the pride o' yer eye, and a tidy bit o' profit into the bargain, +or I don't know my bizness. An' I _oughter_ too, seeing as I wos 'ed +gardener to the Dook of FITZ-FUZZ for close on twenty year, afore the +rheumaticks took me like wot you see. Hu-a-a-h!!! + +_S.C._ Yes; but, SMUGGINS, all these alterations will run into time +and--expense, I'm afraid. + +_G.O.G._ (_confidentially)._ You leave that to _me_, Sir! The fust +expense'll be the biggest, and a saving in the long run, take _my_ +word. And then you _will_ 'ave a garding, _you_ will, one as that 'ere +muddled up bit o' greenery nex door won't be a patch on it, for all +he's so proud of it.(_Gets Simple Citizen into his clutches, and +works him to his will_.) + + SCENE II.--_The Same, six months later in the Season._ + +_S.C._ (_returning from a fortnight's absence_). What, SMUGGINS, still +at it? And--eh--by Jove, what _have_ you been up to? Why I hardly know +the place again! + +_G.O.G._ (_complacently_). I should 'ope not, Sir It _is_ a bit +different from when you last saw it, I flatter myself. Fact it is a +garding, now. _Then_ it wos a wildernidge! + +_S.C._ Yes, but SMUGGINS, hang it all, you've cut almost every bit of +greenery away! + +_G.O.G._ (_contemptuously_). Greenery!!! And who wants _greenery_? +Greenery ain't gardening, greenery ain't not by chorks. Any fool, even +that cove nex door, can grow _greenery_! + +_S.C._ Yes, but SMUGGINS, I _don't_ like my limes to look like +gouty posts, my branchy elms to show as bare as broom-sticks, and my +fruit-trees to be trimmed into timber-screens! + +_G.O.G._ (_persuasively_). No, Sir, cert'ny _not_. Fact is they'd bin +let grow wild so long that cutting on 'em freely back wos the only way +to save 'em. Jest wait till next year, Sir, and _you_'ll see. + +_S.C._ (_doubtfully_). Humph! Looks beastly now, anyhow. And you've +altered all the paths, and nearly all the beds. I didn't tell you-- + +_G.O.G._ (_emphatically_). No, Sir, you didn't. You give me _cart +blarnch_, you did, and I've done my level best. The Dook 'ad the +same idees at first, but when he comes to know me, he says, says +he, SMUGGINS, you're always right, he says. If you wos to run a +reaping-machine through my horchids, or a traction-engine over my +turf, I should know as you wos a-doing of the right thing--_in_ +the long run! Oh, you leave it to me, Sir, and you won't repent it. +And--ahem--here's my little haccount, Sir,--_hup_ to date. + + [_Presents dirty piece of blue paper, giving scanty details, + and a spanking total. Simple Citizen pays, and tries to look + pleasant._ + +[Illustration] + + SCENE III. + + _The Same, six months later. Present, Simple Citizen, and a + Sympathetic Friend. + +_Sympathetic Friend_. Well, well, it _does_ look a waste, APPLEYARD. + +_Simple Citizen_ (_purple_). A waste! I should think it _did_. indeed! +And to think of the pretty, green, bowery place it was when I took it! +Unprofitable, perhaps, but pleasant. Now it is neither pleasant _nor_ +profitable. + +_S.F._ And all through that rascally ravaging SMUGGINS? + +_S.C._ (_furiously_). The scoundrel!--the sleek, insinuating, +slaughtering scoundrel! He tore up my paths, he altered my beds, he +mutilated my lawns, he stripped my trailers, he hacked my trees into +bare hideousness, all to make work and money for himself and his +partner in iniquity, that nefarious "florist" friend of his. I was a +greenhorn, MUMPSON, a juggins, and I let them fool me to the top of +my bent. He cut up the shrubbery into those horrible flat beds, in +order that I might "grow my hown wegerbles," as he phrased it. He +got money from me for the best and most expensive "ashleaf kidneys" +and "Prooshian Blues," then planted cheap refuse from a small +greengrocer's. My "ashleaf kidneys" turned out waxy marbles; my +Prooshian Blues refused to pod; I spent--or rather he received--pounds +upon my vinery and cucumber frames. My grape-bunches went mouldy, and +I never got a cucumber more than six inches long. His "friend, the +florist," did, no doubt. He stole my shrubs overnight, and sold +'em back to me next morning. He bled my maidservants for "beer and +'baccy." In fact, it was the same all round; he had, in every way, +ruined my garden, run me up exorbitant bills, and then, when the day +of detection was imminent--disappeared. If ever I catch sight of that +mulberry nose of his, I shall be tempted to-- + +_S.F._ (_soothingly_). Ah, yes, just so. But let's hope that +you'll never come across this particular Grand Old Gardener--or his +like--again. (_Waggishly._) By Jove, APPLEYARD, no wonder the world +went wrong, seeing that "the first man" was--a Gardener!!! + + * * * * * + +LEARNED BY ART.--"Beasts in Bond Street!" "Sheep in the Salon!" +Messrs. DOWDESWELLS have taken the wind out of the sails of the +Agricultural Hall, and Mr. DENOVAN ADAM has given us the opportunity +of seeing a superb collection of Scottish Highland Cattle. Mountain, +meadow, moss and moor have all been laid under contribution. The +result is we can have the chance of studying these hornymental animals +without being tossed, and staring at them without being gored. In +the same gallery may be seen a series of pastels of Hampstead Heath, +by Mr. HENRY MUHRMAN--a merman ought to be a sea-painter by rights, +but no matter! The poet has told us that, "'Amsted am the place to +ruralise on a summer's day!" The artist convinces us it is the place +to "pastelise," and he seems to have pastelised to the tune of forty +pictures very successfully. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW OF THE FUTURE. + +[In consequence of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS becoming Sheriff, it is +expected that additional lustre will be given to a future Mayoralty by +the leading Members of "THE Profession" taking to Civic Life.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'ARRY IN ST. PETERSBURGH. + +HE TRIES TO MAKE A DROSKI-DRIVER UNDERSTAND THAT HE COULD HAVE GONE +THE SAME DISTANCE IN A HANSOM FOR LESS MONEY.] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +_PAR CI--PAR LA!_ + +"A good par here, and a bad par there; here a par, and there a par, +and everywhere a par!" Indeed, as an Irishman would say, it is +the Judgment of Pars. Let us look in at the Institute, and see the +Painters in Ile, and no doubt we shall be iley delighted. We go on the +pre-private view day. Not that we are parsimonious, but we prefer to +see the pictures without being scrouged. + +[Illustration: "PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER." + +Hoisted with his own Petar--Guy Fawkes blown up.] + +"_The Release_" is a puzzler. We have taken stock of Mr. STOCK's +picture, and fail to understand it. Is it LULU or ZAZEL? There seems +to have been an explosion, and one person, lightly attired, is blown +up; and another, more warmly clad, is blown down. They will both +probably catch cold. Nothing hazy about Mr. HAYES's pictures. On the +contrary, fresh and brilliant--notably, "_A Grey Sunset._" If you are +subject to _mal-de-mer_, his seas will make you onaisy. The President, +Sir JAMES LINTON, has only two small pictures, both cleverly painted, +but each may be described as a little LINTON; so let us give him a +little hint on the subject; like OLIVER TWIST, we ask for more. "_Too +Many Cooks_," by BURTON BARBER--a Barber who knows how to dress hair. +See the dogs' coats. Miss ETHEL WRIGHT is not very far wrong in her +picture of a fair _canoiste_, and Mr. W.L. WYLLIE is both artful and +wily in his rendering of a "_A Sou' Wester_." "_An Old Harbour in +Sussex_" gives distinct evidence that LEWIS (C.J.) has been moved to +the coast, and it seems to be a move in the right direction. In "_The +Red Canoe_," Mr. ALFRED PARSONS delivers an eloquent sermon on the +joys of life on the Thames. + +The Royal Society of British Artists have fewer pictures than usual +at their new show. Quality better than common. Mr. F. BRANGWYN's +"_Funeral at Sea_" is excellent. Mr. R. MACHELL's "_Lakshmi_," not +easy to understand. It might be "Lakshmi, or the Lost Bathing-dress." +She might certainly say, "I lacks my _costume de bain_." +"_Durham_"--good landscape by Mr. YGLESIAS. Mr. NELSON DAWSON in his +"_Sunset Breeze_," gives us real sea and good seamanship. In "_Trying +it Over_," Mr. LOMAX has tried it over to some purpose, and has +produced a successful little picture of an enthusiastic flautist. Mr. +G.F. WATTS sends "_Lord Tennyson_." But why in ermine? The Laureate is +quite good enough for us without his Peer's robes. What did HARRY THE +EIGHTH say concerning HOLBEIN? Anything more to see? Of course there +is. But what is my text? "Pars about Pictures." And so I pass about. +_I_ mustn't linger, but remain + +Yours par-ticularly, + +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +GOLF VICTOR! + + Sir Golf and Sir Tennis are fighting like mad-- + Now Sir Tennis is blown, and Sir Golf's right above him, + And his face has a look that is weary and sad, + As he hastily turns to the ladies, who love him, + But the racket falls from him, he totters, and swirls, + As he hears them cry, "Golf is the game for the girls!" + + * * * * * + + The girls crave for freedom, they cannot endure + To be cramped up at Tennis in courts that are poky, + And they're all of them certainly, perfectly sure + That they'll never again touch "that horrible Croquet," + Where it's quite on the cards that they play with Papa, + And where all that goes on is surveyed by Mamma. + + To Golf on the downs for the whole of the day + Is "so awfully jolly," they keep on asserting, + With a good-looking fellow to teach you the way, + And to fill up the time with some innocent flirting, + And it may be the maiden is wooed and is won, + Ere the whole of the round is completed and done. + + Henceforward, then, Golf is the game for the fair-- + At home, and abroad, or in pastures Colonial, + And the shouts of the ladies will quite fill the air + For the Links that will turn into bonds Matrimonial, + And for husbands our daughters in future will seek + With the powerful aid of the putter and cleek! + + * * * * * + +CORRESPONDENCE SPECIAL.--KNOODEL, of Knoodel Court, writes to +us:--"Sir,--I have recently come across the name 'bacteriologist.' +Is it a new name for a person who writes ill of another behind his +back? If so, the best remedy for the mischief he causes is a criminal +action." [Our advice to KNOODEL is, "Consult a Solicitor."--ED.] + + * * * * * + +"CARMEN UP TO DATE AT THE GAIETY."--"Approbation of Miss ALMA STANLEY +is praise indeed." The correct quotation adapted _à la fin du Siècle_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN OUR GARDEN.] + +_Tuesday Morning_.--Still in Edinburgh, but going home to-night. Just +received telegram from Member for SARK. "Come home at once," he says; +"the _Peronospora Schleideniana_ has got at the onions." + +Rather a shock to have news like this flashed upon one with that +absence of deliberation that sometimes marks the telegraph service. +But I cannot say I am surprised. I had, indeed, before leaving, called +SARK's attention to what I recognised as the greyish mycelial threads +of the fungus spreading upon the pipes and budding seed-heads. If SARK +had steeped the seed in sulphate of copper before planting it, this +wouldn't have happened. It's a pity, for I rather thought we would +make something towards expenses out of that onion-bed. There's no more +profitable crop than your pickling onions if well farmed. I know a man +who made £150 an acre out of his onions. But then he wasn't hampered +in his arrangements with a fellow like SARK. + +Called on Mr. G. to say good-bye. He was sympathetic about the onion +blight, but I could see that his mind was occupied with other and +perhaps equally saddening thoughts. + +"I suppose you have been made aware of the intelligence that has +reached me through the usual sources?" he said. "I have had a pretty +good time here. I have belaboured the Government from all points +of attack. I think I managed pretty well with the Disestablishment +Question. You don't think, TOBY," he said, with a passing look of +deeper apprehension, "that I gave myself away at all on the matter? +The worst of these fellows is that they keep a record of every word +I say, a custom which seriously hampers one in his movements. What I +should like, if it were permitted, would be to come quite fresh to a +question year after year, and say upon it exactly what happened to be +convenient, without having before my eyes the certainty that somebody +would dig out what I said on the same subject last year, or five years +ago." + +I assured him that I thought not much could be made out of his remarks +on Disestablishment Question. In fact it would be difficult to prove +that he had said anything at all. Brightened up at this; but cloud +again deepened over his mobile face. + +"Yes, perhaps I've done pretty well," he said, with a sigh. "I have +steered through a very difficult position without running ashore; +I have had an immense popular reception; I have stirred up the +constituency, and have, if I may say so, supplied with fresh oil the +sacred lamp of Liberalism. Now, just when I was beginning in some +modest measure to felicitate myself, there comes news of a crushing +master-stroke devised by the Government. Though I do not disguise my +discomfiture, I would not withhold my tribute of admiration at the +brilliancy of the stroke, of the genius of its conception, and of the +completeness with which it has been dealt. I have been here more than +a week, and have delivered four speeches. The Government and their +friends on the platform and in the press affect to sneer at my efforts +and their influence. Still, they feel it is necessary to make a +counter-demonstration, and to effectually undo whatever work I may +have accomplished. What course do they adopt? Why, they send down +ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. He was at Dalkeith last night, and, in a single +speech, destroyed the effect of my great effort of Saturday. He will +go to West Calder; he will come here; he will follow me step by step +with relentless energy, tearing up, so to speak, the rails I have +laid, and which I had hoped would have safely conducted the Liberal +train into the Westminster station. _Sic vos non vobis_. It is cruel, +it is crushing. If I had only foreseen it, I would have remained at +Hawarden, and you might have averted the calamity that overshadows +your Garden." + +Quite distressed to see my venerated friend broken down. Bad for him +to stop at home and brood over calamity. Best thing would be change of +scene and thought. He had made engagement to-day to go to Pumpherston +and inspect oil and candle works. Better keep it. + +"No," said Mr. G., wearily, "oil comforts me not, nor candles either. +Now, if it were pork, it would be different. Few things so interesting +as pork. Not from a dietetic point of view, but regarded historically. +As I mentioned to a Correspondent the other day, in the course of +Homeric work I have examined into the use of pork by the ancients. +A very curious subject. I shall make some references to it in +the closing paper which I am writing for _Good Words_ on the Old +Testament. I am under the impression that the dangers which lurk +beneath the integument of a leg (or sirloin) of pork, are specially +connected with the heat of Southern climates." + +Curious to see how rapidly his aspect changed as these thoughts +pressed upon his mind. When I came in, he had been sitting in an +arm-chair, with his head resting on his hand, and his brow painfully +wrinkled. He looked quite old--at least seventy. Now he was up, +walking about the room with springy stride, his mind actively engaged +in framing theories on the use of pork by HOMER's contemporaries. +If I could only keep him engaged, he would forget the blow that had +descended upon him, and would regain his usual equanimity. A question +as to whether he thought Achilles liked sage with his pork, cunningly +led him on to a long disquisition, till, in a quarter of an hour, +he was quite a changed man, and set out with great energy for +Pumpherston. + +Fine enthusiasm along the route. Immense reception from the working +men. Splendid luncheon set out at one end of the shed where we were +assembled; bill of fare included crude oil, sulphate of ammonia, +various mineral oils, and candles made from paraffin. There was no +wine, but plenty of ammonia-water. Manager presented Mrs. G. with bust +in paraffin wax, which he said was Mr. G. Also handed her a packet +of dips cunningly carved in the likeness of HERBERT, the wick combed +out so as to represent a shock of hair. Mr. G. delighted; standing on +a barrel of paraffin, he addressed the company in a luminous speech, +tracing back the candle to the earliest times. That candles existed +in the Mosaic era, he reminded them, was shown by the question which +had puzzled succeeding ages--as to the precise locality in which the +great Law-giver stood when the medium of illumination provided for +his convenience was suddenly extinguished. This was a great hit; +enthusiasm knew no bounds. Hospitality of the Pumpherston people +really embarrassing; they filled our pockets with candles of all sizes +and descriptions, and insisted upon each of us taking away a quart +bottle of paraffin oil imperfectly corked. + +Never shall I forget the radiant look of Mr. G. as he left the works +loaded with candles and congratulations, whilst Mrs. G., walking by +his side, carefully carried the bust in paraffin wax. He had evidently +forgotten all about ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. + + * * * * * + +DEATH-BALL; OR, A NEW NAME FOR IT. + +Yesterday the celebrated Midland Spine-splitters met the Ribcracking +Rovers at the prepared Ambulance Grounds recently opened in +conjunction with the local County Hospital. A large staff of medical +men, supplied with all the necessary surgical appliances, were in +attendance. Play commenced effectively, the Rovers keeping the ball +well before them, with only a few broken arms, a dislocated thigh, and +a fractured jaw or two. Later, however, affairs moved more briskly, +one of the Spine-splitter forwards getting the ball well down to goal; +but, being met with "opposition," he was carried senseless from the +field. A lively scrimmage followed, amid a general cracking of ribs +and snapping of spines. The field now being covered with wounded, the +Police interfered, and the play terminated in a draw. + + * * * * * + +PIECE WITH HONOUR AT THE AVENUE.--The successful and pretty little +play just produced at Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER's theatre may be described +as more "_Shadow_" than "_Sunlight_." + + * * * * * + +A SAFE COURSE.--A German physician, Dr. KOCH, hopes to benefit +humanity by his new cure for Consumption. At present he is reticent on +the subject, and he won't speak till he is KOCH sure. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., November 8, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12469-8.txt or 12469-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12469/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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