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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:01 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:01 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12469-0.txt b/12469-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6cdd1b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1361 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12469 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +November 8, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. V.--MIGNON'S MESS-ROOM. + +(_BY_ TOM RUM SUMMER, _AUTHOR OF "MIGNON'S MA," "MIGNON'S HUB," +"FOOTLE'S FATHER," "TOOTLE'S TOOTSIE," "UGLY TOM," "YOUR RICH +RICHARD," "A BABY IN BARRACKS," "STUCK," "HOOP-LORE," "WENT FOR THAT +PLEECEMAN," &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C._) + + ["This," writes the eminent Author, "is a _real, true_ story + of the life of soldiers and children. Soldiers are _grand, + noble_ fellows. They are so _manly_, and all smoke a great + deal of tobacco. My drawl is the only genuine one. I could do + a lot more of the same sort, but I charge extra for pathos. + I'm a man.--T.R.S."] + +CHAPTER I. + + "Three blind mice-- + See how they run." + --_Old Song_, + +The Officers of the Purple Dragoons were gathered together in their +ante-room. It was a way they had. They were all there. Grand fellows, +too, most of them--tall, broad-shouldered, and silky-haired, and as +good as gold. That gets tiresome after a time, but everything can be +set right with one downright rascally villain--a villain, mind you, +that poor, weak women, know nothing about. GAVOR was that kind of man. +Of course that was why he was to break his neck, and get smashed up +generally. But I am anticipating, and a man should never anticipate. +EMILY, for instance, never did. EMILY--Captain EMILY, of the Purple +Dragoons--was the biggest fool in the Service. Everybody told him so; +and EMILY, who had a trustful, loving nature, always believed what he +was told. + +[Illustration] + +"I nev-ah twry," he used to say--it was a difficult word to pronounce, +but EMILY always stuck to it as only a soldier can. and got it out +somehow--"I nev-ah twry to wremember things the wwrong way wround." + +A roar of laughter greeted this sally. They all knew he meant +"anticipate," but they all loved their EMILY far too well to set him +right. + +"'Pon my soul," he continued, "it's quite twrue. You fellows may +wroawr wiv laughtewr if you like, but it's twrue, and you know it's +twrne." + +There was another explosion of what EMILY would have called +"mewrwriment," at this, for it was well-known to be one of the +gallant dragoon's most humorous efforts. A somewhat protracted silence +followed. FOOTLES, however, took it in both hands, and broke it with +no greater emotion than he would have shown if he had been called +upon to charge a whole squadron of Leicestershire Bullfinches, or +to command a Lord Mayor's escort on the 9th of November. Dear old +FOOTLES! He wasn't clever, no Purple Dragoon could be, but he wasn't +the biggest fool in the Service, like EMILY, and all the rest of them. +Still he loved another's. + +In fact, whenever a Purple Dragoon fell in love, the object of his +affections immediately pretended to love someone else. Hard lines, but +soldiers were born to suffer. It is so easy, so true, so usual to say, +"there's another day to-morrow," but that never helped even a Purple +Dragoon to worry through to-day any the quicker. Poor, brave, noble, +drawling, manly, pipe-smoking fellows! On this particular occasion +FOOTLES uttered only one word. It was short, and began with the +fourth letter of the alphabet. But he may be pardoned, for some of the +glowing embers from his magnificent briar-wood pipe had dropped on to +his regulation overalls. The result was painful--to FOOTLES. All the +others laughed as well as they could, with clays, meerschaums, briars, +and asbestos pipes in their mouths. And through the thick cloud of +scented smoke the mess-waiter came into the room, bearing in his hand +a large registered letter, and coughing violently. + +CHAPTER II. + + "The mouse ran up the clock." + --_Nursery Rhyme_. + +The waiter advanced slowly to FOOTLES, and handed him the letter. +FOOTLES took it meditatively, and turned it over in both hands. The +post-marks were illegible, and the envelope much crumpled. "Never +mind," thought FOOTLES, to himself, "it will dry straight--it will +dry straight." He always thought this twice, because it was one of his +favourite phrases. At last he decided to open it. As he broke the seal +a little cry was heard, and suddenly, before even EMILY had had time +to say "I nev-ah!" a charming and beautifully dressed girl, of about +fifteen summers, sprang lightly from the packet on to the mess-room +floor, and kissed her pretty little hand to the astonished Dragoons. + +"You're FOOTLES," she said, skipping up to the thunder-stricken owner +of the name. "I know you very well. I'm going to be your daughter, +and you're going to marry my mother. Oh, it's all right," she +continued, as she observed FOOTLES press his right hand convulsively +to the precise spot on his gorgeous mess-waistcoat under which he +imagined his heart to be situated, "it's all right. Pa's going to +be comfortably killed, and put out of the way, and then you'll +marry darling Mamma. She'll be a thousand times more beautiful at +thirty-three than she was at twenty-two, and _ever_ so much more +lovely at fifty-five than at thirty-three. So it's a good bargain, +isn't it, EM?" This to EMILY, who appeared confused. She trotted up +to him, and laid her soft blooming cheek against his blooming hard +one. "Never mind, EM," she lisped, "everything is bound to come out +right. I've settled it all"--this with a triumphant look on her +baby-face--"with the author; such a splendid writer, none of your +twaddling women-scribblers, but a real man, and a great friend of +mine. I'm to marry you, EM. You don't know it, because you once loved +NAOMI, who 'mawrwried the Wrevewrend SOLOMON'"--at this point most +of the Purple Dragoons were rude enough to yawn openly. She paid no +attention to them--"and now you love OLIVE, but she loves PARKACK, +and he doesn't love her, so she has got to marry PARKOSS, whom she +doesn't love. Their initials are the same, and everybody knows their +caligraphy is exactly alike," she went on wearily, "so that's how the +mistake arose. It's a bit far-fetched, but," and her arch smile as she +said this would have melted a harder heart than Captain EMILY's, "we +mustn't be too particular in a soldier's tale, you know." + +As she concluded her remarks the door opened, and Colonel PURSER +entered the room. + +CHAPTER III. + + "Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man." + --_Old Ballad_. + +Colonel PURSER was a stout, plethoric man. He was five feet seven +inches high, forty-five inches round the chest, fifty inches round +the waist, and every inch of him was a soldier. He was, therefore, a +host in himself. He gasped, and turned red, but, like a real soldier, +at once grasped the situation. The Colonel was powerful, and the +situation, in spite of all my pains, was not a strong one. The +struggle was short. + +"Pardon me," said the Colonel, when he had recovered his wind, "is +your name MIGNON?" + +"Yes," she replied, as the tears brimmed over in her lovely eyes, +"it is. I am a simple soldier's child, but, oh, I can run so +beautifully--through ever so many volumes, and lots of editions. In +fact," she added, confidentially, "I don't see why I should stop at +all, do you? EMILY _must_ marry me. He can't marry OLIVE, because +Dame Nature put in _her_ eyes with a dirty finger. Ugh! I've got +blue eyes." + +"But," retorted the Colonel, quickly, "shall you never quarrel?" + +"Oh yes," answered MIGNON, "there will come a rift in the hitherto +perfect lute of our friendship (the rift's name will be DARKEY), but +we shall manage to bridge it over--at least TOM RUM SUMMER says so." +Here EMILY broke in. He could stand it no longer. "Dash it, you know, +this is wewry extwraowrdinawry, wewry extwraowrdinawry indeed," he +observed; "You'wre a most wremawrkable young woman, you know." + +A shout of laughter followed this remark, and in the fog of +tobacco-smoke Colonel PURSER could be dimly seen draining a magnum +of champagne. + +CHAPTER IV. + + "Hey diddle, diddle." + --_Songs and Romances_. + +Everything fell out exactly as MIGNON prophesied. But if you think +that you've come to the end of MIGNON, I can only say you're very much +astray, or as EMILY, with his smooth silky voice, and his smoother +silkier manners, would have said, "You'wre wewry much astwray." See my +next dozen stories. + + THE END. (_Pro tem._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD STUMPER. + +"WHAT IS FASHION? 'AFTER A FASHION HAS BEEN DISCARDED--IF YOU HAVE +ONLY PATIENCE TO WAIT LONG ENOUGH--YOU WILL FIND YOU WILL GET BACK TO +IT.' LOOK AT MY COLLARS!--AND UMBRELLA!!" [_See Mr. Gladstone's Speech +during the recent Midlothian Campaign._)] + +AIR--"_WAIT A LITTLE LONGER._" + + There's a good time coming, friends, + That flood is flowing stronger; + The reigning mode in failure ends, + Wait a little longer! + Fashion _is_ ever on the wing, + Arch-enemy of Beauty. + Now, when we get a first-rate thing, + To stick to it's our duty. + But no, the whirling wheel must whirl, + The zig-zag go zig-zagging; + The wig to-day must crisply curl, + That yesterday was bagging. + But good things _do_ come "bock agen." + For banishment but stronger + (With bonnets or with Grand Old Men), + Wait a little longer! + + From Eighty unto Eighty-Five + These collars were the rage, friends; + Didn't we keep the game alive, + In spite of creeping age, friends? + But oh, that horrid Eighty-Six! + They deemed me fairly settled, + As though just ferried o'er the Styx, + But I was tougher mettled. + I knew the fashion would return + For just this size of collar. + (And that's a lesson they'll soon learn, + You bet your bottom dollar.) + Bless you, I'm "popping up again," + For four years' fighting stronger. + Once more I'm here to fire the train-- + Wait a little longer! + + I've told you all about BALFOUR, + And his black Irish scandals; + (With side-lights upon days of yore, + My bachelor life, and candles.) + I've touched on Disestablishment + (I trust you'll not say _thinly_), + On Eight Hours Bills a speech I've spent, + And scarified M'KINLEY. + And now, to wind up, I'll explain + My favourite views on Fashion: + _Big Collars will come back again!!!_ + 'Twill raise the Tories' passion. + But, with these Collars, this Umbrella, + I'd face them, though thrice stronger! + Friends--trust once more your Grand Old Fella, + And--wait a _leetle_ longer! + + * * * * * + +A BOOTHIFUL IDEA! + +Just finished my article on "Antediluvian Archæology in its relation +to Genesis and the Iliad," and now all that remains to do is to +carry the rest of my books down to the new library, make catalogue, +consider subjects for five more speeches, write thirty-six letters and +postcards, and polish off the ten last clauses of the Home-Rule Bill. +This idleness is oppressive. Not used to it. What shall I do? + +Piles of correspondence by morning post! What _can_ this be about? +Ah! I remember now! _Nineteenth Century_ just out, of course. Glad +I thought of starting "Society of Universal Beneficence." Will keep +me going after excitement of Midlothian. Wonder how many people +will "bind themselves to give away a fixed proportion of their +income,"--also what the proportion will be, if they do. Don't know if +I _should_ have thought of it, if it hadn't been for General BOOTH's +book. Remarkable person, the General. Perhaps he'd order his Army to +vote solid for Home Rule, if I offered him a place in my next Cabinet? +Must sound him on the subject. Salvationists quite a power now. Can't +cut Field-Marshal VON BOOTH _up_ in a Magazine, so must cut him _out_ +instead! + +Ha! Letter from LABOUCHERE, of all people. H--m! Says he's "glad to +see I've started Universal Beneficence Society. Thought of doing so +himself once." Congratulates me on turning my attention to "Social +Reform." Says he thinks it's an "Ecclesent idea,"--he must mean +"Excellent," surely! + +"Inquirer"--(post-mark, Hatfield. Curious circumstance, +rather)--writes to ask for details of the Society. "Prefers at present +to remain anonymous," but an answer sent to "S., Hatfield House," will +always find him! Meanwhile, encloses postal order for one pound ten +shillings a "fixed proportion of his income," as he sees that I've +"offered to make myself the careful recipient of any assents," by +which he supposes that I mean cash. A little embarrassing! + +Take stroll in Park to collect my thoughts. Find two leading Belfast +linen-merchants busily gathering up sawdust, &c, round tree I +felled yesterday. They explain that they've been "much interested +in my novel idea of converting chips of wood into best cambric +pocket-handkerchiefs," and think that it beats General BOOTH's notion +of making children's toys out of old sardine-tins hollow. I should +rather think it did! Still, have to confess that I'm _not_ ready +at present to "quote them my wholesale price for best oak-shavings +delivered free on rail." + +Telegram from--CHAMBERLAIN! Says he sees the new Society's one +of "universal" beneficence, and supposes it includes him! Quite a +mistake! Sends cheque for three pounds, and hopes I'll "keep a strict +account of all sums received, and issue a report and balance-sheet +shortly." Really, very injudicious of me to use word "universal"! +Ought to have expressly excluded Liberal-Unionists (so-called), from +my plan. That's where General BOOTH has advantage of me. _He_ probably +doesn't exclude anybody that wants to send him money. Perhaps, after +all, he knows how to do this sort of thing better than I do. + +Wire to him, and hand him over the money I've already received, also +ask him to start a "universally beneficent" branch of Salvation Army. +Receive reply, accepting my offer, in no time! General adds that he +has a staff appointment in his Army waiting for me, and that he would +like my good lady to become a Salvation Lass. Requires consideration +and--hem--consultation! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASY FOR THE JUDGES. + +_Geoffrey_ (_to rejected Candidate for honours at the Dog Show_). +"NEVER MIND, SMUT! WE'LL HAVE A DOG SHOW THAT SHALL BE ALL CATS EXCEPT +YOU, AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE IT ALL YOUR OWN WAY!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE PASTEL EXHIBITION. + +IN THE ANTE-ROOM. + +_A Niece_. Just one moment, Auntie, dear; _do_ look and see what No. +295 is! + +_Her Aunt_ (_with a Catalogue--and a conscience_). Two hundred and +ninety-five! Before we have even seen No. 1? No, my dear, no. Let us +take things in their proper order--or not at all. (_Perambulates the +galleries for some minutes, refraining religiously from looking at +anything but the numbers._) Ah, _here_ it is--Number One! _Now_, +ETHEL, I'm ready to tell you anything you please! + +_First Matter-of-Fact Person_. Ah, here's another of the funny ones! +[_Is suddenly seized with depression._ + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ Y-yes. (_Examines it gloomily._) What's it all +about? + +_First M.-of-F.P._ (_blankly_). Oh, well, it's a Pastel--I don't +suppose it's meant to be about anything in particular, you know. + +_The Conscientious Aunt_ (_before No. 129_). "_The Sprigged Frock_"? +Yes, that must be the one. I suppose those _are_ meant for sprigs--but +I can't make out the pattern. She _might_ have made her hair a little +tidier--such a bush! and I never _do_ think blue and green go well +together, myself. + + [_They come to a portrait of a charming lady in grey, by_ Mr. + SOLOMON. + +_The Niece_ (_with a sense of being on firm ground at last_). Why, +it's ELLEN TERRY! See if it isn't, Auntie. + +_The C.A._ (_referring to Catalogue_). + + "The leaves of Memory seemed to + Make a mournful rustling." + +--that's all it _says_ about it. + +_The Niece_ (_finding a certain vagueness in this as a description_). +Oh! But there are _no_ leaves--unless it means the leaves in the book +she's reading. Still I think it _must_ be ELLEN TERRY; don't you? + +_The C.A._ (_cautiously_.) Well, my dear, I always think it's as +well not to be too positive about a portrait till you know who it +was painted from. + + [_The_ Matter-of-Fact Persons _have arrived at a Pastel + representing several green and yellow ladies seated undraped + around a fountain, with fiddles suspended to the branches + above._ + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ "_Marigolds_," that's called. I don't _see_ any +though. [_With a sense of being imposed upon._ + +_First M.-of-F.P._ I think _I_ do--yes, those orange spots in the +green. They're meant for Marigolds, but there aren't very many of +them, are there? And why should they all be sitting on the grass +like that? Enough to give them their deaths of cold! + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ I expect they've been bathing. + +_First M.-of-F.P._ They couldn't _all_ bathe in that fountain, and +then what do you make of their bringing out their violins? + + [_The other_ M.-of-F. Person _making nothing of it, they pass + on._ + +_An Irritable Philistine_. Nonsense, Sir, you _can't_ admire them, +don't tell _me_! Do you mean to say _you_ ever saw all those blues, +and greens, and yellows, in Nature, Sir? + +_His Companion_. I mean to say that that is how Nature appears to +an eye trained to see things in a true and not a merely conventional +light. + +_The I.P._. Then all _I_ can say is, that if things ever appeared to +_me_ as unconventionally as all that, I should go straight home and +take a couple of liver pills, Sir. I should! + +_First Frivolous Old Lady_. Here's another of them, my dear. It's no +use, we've _got_ to admire it, this is the kind of thing you and I +must be educated up to in our old age! + +_Second F.O.L._ It makes me feel as if I was on board a yacht, that's +all I know--just look at the perspective in that room, all slanted up! + +_First F.O.L._ That's your ignorance, my dear, it's quite the right +perspective for a Pastel, it's our rooms that are all wrong--not these +clever young gentlemen. + + [_They go about chuckling and poking old ladylike fun at all + the more eccentric Pastels, and continue to enjoy themselves + immensely._ + +_First M.-of-F.P. (they have come to a Pastel depicting a young woman +seated on the Crescent Moon, nursing an infant_). H'm--very peculiar. +_I_ never saw Diana represented with a _baby_ before--did _you_? + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ No--(_hopefully_)--but perhaps it's intended for +somebody else. But it's _not_ the place _I_ should choose to nurse an +infant in. It doesn't look safe, and it can't be very comfortable. + + [_They go on into a smaller room, and come upon a sketch of a + small child, with an immense red mouth, and no visible nose, + eyes, or legs._ + +_First M.-of-F.P._ "_Little Girl in Black_"--what a very plain child, +to be sure! + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ What there _is_ of it; but it looks to me as if +the artist had spent so much time over the black that he forgot to put +in the little girl--he's got her _mouth_, though. + +_First M.-of-F.P._. Well, if it was _my_ child, I should insist upon +having the poor little thing more finished than that--even if I had to +pay extra for it. + + [_A_ Superior Person _has entered the West Gallery, + accompanied by a_ Responsive Lady, _who has already grasped + the fact that a taste for Pastels is the sure sign of a + superior nature._ + +_The R.L._. Isn't that portrait quite wonderful! Wouldn't you take it +for an oil-painting? + +_The S.P._. One might--without some experience--which is just where +it is so entirely wrong. A Pastel has no business to imitate the +_technique_ of any other medium. + +_The R.L._ Oh, I think you are _so_ right. Because, after all, it _is_ +only a Pastel, isn't it? and it oughtn't to pretend to be anything +else. (_She looks reproachfully at the too ambitious Pastel_.) And it +isn't as if it was _successful_, either--it won't bear being looked +into at all closely. + +_The S.P._ You should never look at a Pastel closely; they are meant +to be seen from a distance. + +_The R.L._ (_brightly_). Or else you miss the effect? I _quite_ +see. Now, I like _this_--(_indicating a vague and streaky little +picture_)--don't you? That's what I call a _real_ Pastel. + +_The S.P._ (_screwing up his eyes_). H'm! Yes. Perhaps. Clever-ish. +Suggestive. + +_The R.L._ (_shocked_). Oh, _do_ you think so? I don't see anything of +_that_ kind in it--at least, I don't think it can be _intentional_. + +_The S.P._ The beauty of Art _is_ to suggest, to give work for the +imagination. + +_The R.L._ (_recovering herself_). I know so _exactly_ what you +mean--just as one makes all sorts of things out of the patches of damp +on an old ceiling? + +_The S.P._ Hardly. I should define Damp as the product of Nature--not +_Art_. + +_The R.L._ Oh, yes; if you put it in that way, of _course_! I only +meant it as an illustration--the two things are really as different +as possible. (_Changes the subject._) They don't seem to mind _what_ +coloured paper they use for Pastels, do they? + +_The S.P._ (_oracularly_). It is--er--always advisable in Pastels +to use a tone of paper to harmonise as nearly as possible with the +particular tone you--er--want. Because, you see, as the colour doesn't +always cover the _whole_ of the paper, if the paper which shows +through is different in tone, it--er-- + +_The R.L._ Won't match? I _see_. How clever! (_She arrives at a highly +eccentric composition, and ventures upon an independent opinion._) Now +I can't say I care for _that_--there's so very little done to it, and +what there is is so glaring and _crude_, don't you think? I call it +_stupid_. + +_The S.P._ I was just about to say that it is the cleverest thing in +the Exhibition--from an artistic point of view. No special interest in +it, but the scheme of colour very harmonious--and very decorative. + +_The R.L._ Oh, _isn't_ it? That's _just_ the right word for it--it is +_so_ decorative! and I do like the scheme of colour. Yes, it's very +clever. I quite feel _that_ about it. (_With a gush_.) It is _so_ nice +looking at pictures with somebody who has exactly the same tastes as +oneself. And I always _was_ fond of pastilles! + +_A Pavement Pastellist_ (_to a friend_). Well, JIM, I dunno what _you_ +think, but I call it a shellin' clean chucked away, I do. I come in +yere,--hearin' as all the subjicks was done in chorks, same as I do my +own--I come in on the chance o' pickin' up a notion or two as might be +useful to me in my perfession. But, Lor, they ain't got a ideer among +'em, that they ain't! They ain't took the measure of the popilar taste +not by a nundred miles, they 'aven't. Why, I ain't seen a single +thing as I'd reckincile it to my conscience to perduce before _my_ +public--there ain't 'ardly a droring in the 'ole bloomin' show as I'd +be seen settin' down beyind! Put down some of these 'ere Pastellers +to do a mouse a nibbling at a candle, or a battle in the Soudang, or a +rat snifin' at a smashed hegg, and you'd soon see _they_ was no good! +Precious few coppers 'ud fall into _their_ 'ats, I'll go bail! [_Exit +indignantly, as Scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +EXCELLENT EXAMPLE. + +In a recent trial for Breach of Promise, a letter was read from +Defendant saying that "he must now get a monkey;" whereupon the +"learned Under-Sheriff," as reported in the _Daily Telegraph_, +exclaimed, "A Monkey! What the goodness does he mean?" Now, isn't that +better than saying, "What the deuce?" Of course, no doubt the learned +Under-Sheriff is suficiently learned to remember the old rhyme-- + + "There was an old man of Domingo + Who'd a habit of swearing, 'By Jingo!' + But a friend having come + Who suggested 'By Gum!' + He preferred it at once to 'By Jingo!'" + +The goodness of the learned Under-Sheriff is worthy of all praise, and +of general imitation. + + * * * * * + +SWEETS TO THE SWEET.--It is stated that one of the features of the +Lord Mayor's Show this year is to be a Detachment of the Survivors of +the Balaclava Charge. This is an excellent idea, that may be developed +to almost any extent. Could we not have the Hero who had read every +Novel that has been published during the last six months; the Brave +Man who has been to every Dramatic _Matinée_ since January; and the +Scorner of Death, who has existed during an entire season in the +odours (sweet, or otherwise) of Kensington and Tyburnia? The latter on +the present occasion might immediately precede the Lord MAYOR Elect, +for, by association of ideas, he would certainly serve as an excellent +foil to Mr. Alderman SAVORY! + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday_.--_Rentrée_ of Miss MAGGIE MCINTYRE, appropriately enough as +_Margherita_. "She's Macintyrely first-rate," says our _blasé_ young +man, on being caught napping after the Opera, and interviewed on the +spot, "but can't say much for the rest,"--except the rest he took +himself. + +[Illustration: Our Reporter hoff to the Hopera.] + +_Tuesday_.--Our _blasé_ young man went to this, but as we only saw +him for a moment passing in a cab, when he looked out, and bade us a +"Good night," we can only suppose that it was "a good night" at the +Opera. He writes to say that the performance of _The Huguenots_ was +excellent, GIULIA RAVOGLI being specially good, but the draughts too +strong. _What draughts?_ + +[Illustration: Miss Damian as La Cieca feeling her way.] + +_Wednesday_.--_La Gioconda_. A good performance all round. But the +night specially memorable as being the first appearance of Miss GRACE +DAMIAN on the stage of the Royal Italian Opera anywhere. It is a +good omen for her that she appeared in Signor PONCHIELLI's Opera, +the composer being a distant connection of the great ancient Italian +family of the PONCINELLI, of which _Mr. Punch_ is now the chief +universal representative. It is a remarkable fact, too, showing the +strong force of canine attachment, which centuries cannot obliterate, +that the _Libretto_ of _La Gioconda_, set to music by Signor +PONCHIELLI (the "h" came in when the genuine liquid "n" was dropped) +was written by TOBIA GORRIO. That an Opera, written by TOBIA, or +TOBY, and composed by PUNCINELLO, should possess all the elements of +success, goes without saying. We welcome Signor GALASSI (a sporting +title, reminding us of _Gay Lass_), with MARIA PERI (who must appear +in _Il Paradiso_), and GIULIA RAVOGLI. Her Grace of DAMIAN made a most +successful _début_ as _La Cieca_, and was cheered to the echo. Thank +Heaven, there isn't an echo in Covent Garden--but, if there had been, +Echo would have repeated hospitably the "good cheer" a dozen times, as +she does somewhere about Killarney. Signor LAGO stars "HER MAJESTY +THE QUEEN" at the head of his bill, but it is only to say that +Her Gracious MAJESTY has been graciously pleased to honour him by +subscribing for the Royal Box during the present season, which is, +in effect, saying that he has _let the best box in the house for a +Sovereign!_ + +_Thursday Night_.--ALBANI as the unhappy _Traviata_. Big and +enthusiastic House. Signor PADILLA, as the Elder _Germont_, excellent, +and just contrived most gracefully to refuse the honour of an _encore_ +for his "_Di Provenza_." Since RONCONI, it is difficult to call to +mind an artist equal histrionically to Signor PADILLA, who is so grave +and impressive as that utter bore, "the Elder _Germont_," so gay and +eccentric as _Figaro_, and so dashing and reckless as the unscrupulous +_Don Giovanni_. That milksop, _Germont_ Junior, known as _Alfredo_, +was adequately played by Signor GIANNINI, whose name, were it spelt +GIA-"NINNY," would partly describe the character he represented. + +_Friday Night_.--Our _blasé_ young man writes to say, "I am suffering +from effects of draughts at Opera. Think it must be some Operatic air +which has given me cold. It's a gruel case for yours truly." + +_Saturday Night_.--Occasion described as "popular;" and, consequently, +_Il Trovatore_ announced. A little old-fashioned, but what of that? +VERDI just the composer "to keep your memory green." Alas! cold once +more to the front. The _blasé_ one "still off duty, so no reliable +report to hand." No doubt everything passed off pleasantly. _Manrico_ +obviously, when on the stage, more of a man than _Germont_ Junior. +The standing line has been, "large audience much pleased with the +entertainment." Altogether a successful week.' + + * * * * * + +MEM. FOR VISITORS TO LONDON.--Don't forget to look in at the +bird-pictures of STACEY MARKS, R.A. _Stay, see Marks!_ See Marks! They +are land-marks in the history of Modern Art. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.--NO. VI., "_Thrums on the Auld String_," +next week. + + * * * * * + +TO ENGELBERG AND BACK. + +_BEING A FEW NOTES TAKEN EN ROUTE IN SEARCH OF A PERFECT CURE._ + +"Give him another month here, and he'll be giving you all the slip, +and walking back to Calais on foot." Young JERRYMAN is commenting on +the wonderful restoration that has taken place in the condition of the +Dilapidated One, who has just been detected having a row on the lake, +all by himself. Not that this is a very prodigious aquatic feat, +seeing that three or four good strokes either way take you either +into the bank, or on to the heels or tails of a couple of very +ill-tempered, and irascible swans, who appear to think, and with some +reason, that there's not too much waterway as it is, and resent the +intrusion of the boat on their domain as a ridiculous superfluity. +However, the effort is one that the Dilapidated One would not have +ventured on at his arrival a month since, and as our time is up, and +we are starting on our return journey home in about half-an-hour's +time, we hail it as an indication that if he has not quite obtained +the Perfect Cure, that his medical man promised him, as the result of +a trip to this delightful spot, he is certainly not far off it. + +But the best things must come to an end, and so we find ourselves at +length, with much regret, taking our farewell of that excellent and +capitally-conducted "Perfect Kurhaus" the Hôtel Titlis. And this +reminds me, that in justice to that establishment, I ought to state +that some comments I made last week on German feeding in general, in +no way were meant to refer to the _table d'hôte_ at the Hôtel Titlis, +which, served in a lofty and well-ventilated _salon_, lighted by +electricity, to four hundred people daily, a capitally well-appointed +meal, is one of the notable features of the place. The smoke-stifled +children of the Fatherland, who shut every window they come across +when they get a chance, though they would dearly like to, cannot carry +their tricks on here. Sometimes, but not very often, they rally in +force, and render the "_Grosser Gesellschafts Saal_" a sort of Tophet +to the ordinary Briton; but the "_Speise Saal_", where smoking is +"_verboten_," is happily beyond their reach. But the hour of departure +has come, and quitting his comfortable establishment with much regret, +we bid good-bye to the courteous Herr CATTANI, and with a crack of the +whip we are off, dashing down the valley, and leaving Engelberg up on +its heights as a pleasant dream behind us. + +[Illustration: Putting Up for the Winter] + +And what is Engelberg? There is, first and foremost, _par excellence_, +the feature of the place--the Hôtel Titlis; then the Monastery, with +the Brethren of the Bell-rope; and _the_ Street. This is unique. Set +out with a _Châlet_ here, a Swiss _Pension_ there, a Chapel perched up +on a little hill on one side, and a neatly new-made farmhouse stuck +up on the other, with cattle (not omitting their dinner-bells) dotted +about here and there in the bright green meadows that creep up to, and +melt into, the pine-woods stretching from the base of the grand rugged +snow-capped heights that tower in every direction above, you get +thoroughly impressed with the idea that the whole place is nothing but +a box of toys, set out for the season (probably by the Monks), who, +you feel convinced, are only waiting for the departure of the last +visitor, to get out the box, and carefully pack away _Châlet_, and +_Pension_, Chapel and peasant for the winter months, with a view to +keeping them fresh for production in the early summer of next year. + +However, whatever its fate, Engelberg is left behind us, and we find +ourselves tearing down the Practical Joking Engineers' Road at a +break-neck pace, and hurrying on to Calais, once more to take our +places on our steady old friend, the _Calais-Douvres_, that helps to +deposit us finally at Charing Cross, where we are bound to admit that +the air, whatever it is, is emphatically _not_ the air of Engelberg. +But everybody who has seen him, says the Dilapidated One has come back +"twice the man he was". So we must take it that our journey has not +been in vain. + + * * * * * + +ADDITIONAL TITLE.--Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, after his brilliant letters in +the _D.T._, worthy of _The Light of the World_, will be remembered in +Japan as a "first-rate sort of Jap." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +WELLS, GARDNER, DARTON & Co. publish a very good selection of tales +for young people. Among the best are _Tom's Opinion_, a boy whose ever +readily-expressed opinion is made to change pretty often; and _Halt_! +by the same author. The title is suggestive of military manoeuvres, +but it's only a term for obeying quickly, which is hard to do +sometimes. _Gregory of the Foretop_, _Abbot's Cleeve_, and _Going for +a Soldier_, are three books containing several stories suitable to +mere grown-up young people,--so the sooner they grow up the better for +the sale of the books. They are all edited by J. ERSKINE CLARKE, M.A. + +FREDERICK WARNE & CO. give us _Young England's Nursery Tales_, +illustrated by CONSTANCE HASLEWOOD. _Noah's Ark_, by DARLBY DALE, +which is not the Ark of the nursery, but a story of the Norfolk +Broads. Perhaps "Norfolk Broads" would have suggested stories that +could _not_ be told in a drawing-room. As to _Bits about Horses for +Every Day_, selected and illustrated by S. TURNER,--well, what would +horses be without "bits?" These are not tit-bits. Might do for a +Bridle gift. + +_The Love of a Lady_, by Miss ANNIE THOMAS, otherwise Mrs. PENDER +CUDLIP, like most of this authoress's novels, is full of interest. It +is in the regulation three volumes, but appears as if it had wished +to be in two, and would have been had not large type insisted upon +the addition of a third tome. The love of a lady is transferred, +during the course of the story, from an artist, who appears in the +last chapter "in threadbare clothes, with broken, patched boots on +his feet" (not on his Hands, _bien entendu_), to a "well-tailored" +novelist. As the lady to whom "the love" originally belonged was +"a popular illustrator," it was only natural that the question of +appearances should play an important part in determining its ultimate +destination. + +Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM is never so much in his element as when he +revels in gore and guilt. In _Locusta_, in one bulky volume, he tells +of "the crime" and "the chastisement." The first is associated with "a +house with curtained windows," "an Italian swordsman," "entombed," and +"a maimed lion," and the second is developed in chapters headed, "The +Hunter lets fly a Poisoned Shaft," "The Silver Dish of Tarts," "The +First Victim Falls," "A Dreadful Accuser," and last, but not least, +"The Vengeance is Crowned." As the story begins in 1612, and ends with +the words, "HENRY, Prince of WALES, art thou not avenged?" it will +be seen, that Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM has seized this opportunity to +pleasantly illustrate an incident from English history. + +My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Land of Fancy. He +expresses delight at two books called respectively, _Dreams by +French Firesides_ and _English Fairy Tales_. The first is supposed +to have been written before Paris in 1870-71 by a German soldier +who had turned his thoughts to his home and children in the far-off +Fatherland. The second deals with British folk-lore, and is racy +of the soil. Both works are full of capital illustrations. He has, +moreover, read _He Went for a Soldier_, the WYNTER Annual of JOHN +STRANGE of that ilk. But what had the soldier done, that "he" should +"go for him"? The answer to this conundrum will be ascertained on +reading the book. _Nutshell Novels_, by J. ASHBY STERRY, is also a +volume that repays perusal. The Lazy Poet has turned his leisure to +good account--the stories he tells are excellent. + +Had the delightfully original _Alice in Wonderland_, and _Through the +Looking-Glass_, never been written, I doubt much if we should ever +have seen _Maggie in Mythica_, by F.B. DOVETON, who announces it +apologetically, as "his first"--perhaps it maybe his "unique" fairy +story,--and he adds, that he has "kept out of the beaten track as far +as possible." "_As far as possible_" is good, for never was there +such an example of the "sincerest flattery" than in this undeniable +imitation of _Alice in Wonderland_. Some of the illustrations, by J. +HARRINGTON WILSON, are not quite as weak as the text, while the best +of them only serve to heighten our appreciation of "Our" Mr. TENNIEL's +pictures in _Alice_, and its companion volume. But the very title, +_Maggie in Mythica_, recalls at once _Alice in Wonderland_, but the +lovers of _Alice_, who being attracted by this title may purchase +this book under the impression that "it is the same concern," will +soon find out their mistake, though it may perhaps amuse a very much +younger generation who know not _Alice_, if such a generation exist, +which muchly we beg to doubt. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MORNING CALL. + +_The Vicar_. "AND WHAT'S _YOUR_ NAME, MY DEAR?" + +_Child of the Period_. "WELL--_YOU_ OUGHT TO KNOW! YOU _KWISTENED_ +ME!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_BEFORE MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH._) + +_AN OFFICER OF VOLUNTEERS INTRODUCED._ + +_The Commissioner_. Well, what can I do for you, Captain? + +_Officer of Volunteers_. Hush, Sir! If you were heard to give me my +military rank, you would be the cause of covering me with ridicule! + +_The Com._ Ridicule! Are you _not_ a Captain? + +_Off._ Certainly, Sir. I hold Her Majesty's Commission, and am +supposed to be one of the defenders of the country. + +_The Com._ Then why should you not be credited with the rank to which +you are entitled? + +_Off._ Because, Sir, I am only a Captain of Volunteers. + +_The Com._ But surely the British Army is composed entirely of +Volunteers? + +_Off._ That is the national boast, Sir. But then, you see, I receive +no pay. + +_The Com._ Which does not prevent you from working? + +_Off._ On the contrary, Sir, nearly all my leisure is devoted to the +study of what I may, perhaps, be permitted to call my supplementary +profession. + +_The Com._ What are your duties? + +_Off._ Almost too numerous to enumerate. Before I received my +Commission, I had to undertake to make myself proficient in everything +appertaining to the rank to which I was appointed. This entailed a +month's hard work (five or six hours a day in the barrack-square), at +one of the Schools of Instruction. + +_The Com._ Well, let us suppose that you _have_ become duly qualified +to command a company--what next? + +_Off._ Having reached this point, I find myself called upon to work +as hard as any Line officer on full pay. True, I have not (except +when the battalion is camping out, or taking part in manoeuvres), to +trouble myself with matters connected with the Commissariat, but in +every other respect my position is exactly analogous to my brother +officers in other branches of the QUEEN's Service. I have to attend +numerous drills, and perform the duties, at stated intervals, of the +Orderly Room. Besides this, I have to see that every parade is well +attended by the men of my company. This entails, as you may imagine, +time and trouble. + +_The Com._ May I take it that it is less difficult to command +Volunteers than Regulars? + +_Off._ That is a matter of opinion. If a Volunteer officer can bring +to bear his social position (for instance, should his men be his +tenants, or in his employment), he may find the task of command an +easy one. But should the battalion to which he belongs be composed of +that large class of persons who consider "one man as good as another, +and better," no little tact is required in keeping up discipline. +Besides this, he starts at a disadvantage. Every retirement from the +regiment means the loss of an earner of the capitation grant; and +as the maintenance of a Volunteer corps is an exceedingly expensive +matter, a "free and independent private" feels that if he withdraws, +or is forced to withdraw, his officers are practically the pecuniary +sufferers of the proceeding. + +_The Com._ Am I to understand then that the cost of a battalion falls +upon the commissioned rank? + +_Off._ Almost entirely. The officers have generally to pay a heavy +entrance fee, and subscription, and must, if they wish to be popular, +contribute largely to prize funds, entertainments, and the cost of +"marching out." Besides these charges they have to be particularly +hospitable or benevolent (either word will do) to the companies to +which they specially belong. + +_The Com._ Well, certainly, it seems that an Officer of Volunteers has +many responsibilities--what are his privileges? + +_Off._ Only one is officially recognised--the right to be snubbed! + +_The Com._ And the result? + +_Off._ That there is scarcely a corps in the kingdom without +vacancies. Men nowadays, fail to see the fun of all work and no pay, +play, or anything else. This very week a meeting is being held at +the Royal United Service Institution, to consider what can be done to +advance the interests of the officers--another word for the interests +of the whole force. + +_The Com._ You have my sympathy, and if I can help you-- + +_Off._ Not another word, Sir. The good services of _Mr. Punch_ for +the last thirty years are appreciated by all of us, and we know we can +rely upon him as confidently in the future as we have done with good +reason in the past. [_The Witness then retired._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SAME OLD GAME!" + +OLD LADY OF THREADNEEDLE STREET. "YOU'VE GOT YOURSELVES INTO A NICE +MESS WITH YOUR PRECIOUS '_SPECULATION_!' WELL--I'LL HELP YOU OUT OF +IT,--_FOR THIS ONCE!!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY SKETCH FOR NOVEMBER 5. + +MAGISTRATE LETTING OFF A CRACKER WITH A LITTLE CAUTION.] + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +(_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._) + +NO. IV.--THE GRAND OLD (JOBBING) GARDENER. + + SCENE--_the Garden of a modest Suburban Villa. Present, + Simple Citizen, with budding horticultural ambitions, and + Jobbing Gardener, "highly recommended" for skill and low + charges. The latter is a grizzled personage, very bowed as to + back, and baggy as to breeches, but in his manner combining + oracular "knowingness" and deferential plausibility in a + remarkable degree._ + +_Simple Citizen_. You see SMUGGINS, things are a little bit in the +rough here, at present. + +_Grand Old Gardener_. Ah, you may well say that, Sir! Bin allowed to +run to rack _and_ ruin, this here pooty bit o' garding has. Want a lot +o' clearing, scurryfunging, and topping and lopping, afore it'll look +anythink like. But it's got the making of a puffeck parrydise in it, a +puffeck parrydise it has--_with_ my adwice. + +_S.C._ Glad to hear you say so, SMUGGINS. Now what I propose is-- + +_G.O.G._ (_laying a horny hand on S.C.'s coat-sleeve_). If you'll +ascuse me, Sir, I'll jest give yer _my_ ideas. It'll save time. (_Lays +down artfully the lines of a plan involving radical alteration of +paths, and lawns, and beds, shifting of shrubs, cutting down of trees, +rooting up of trailers, and what he calls "toppin' an' loppin'" to a +tremendous extent._) _Then_, Sir, you'll 'ave a bit o' garding as'll +be the pride o' yer eye, and a tidy bit o' profit into the bargain, +or I don't know my bizness. An' I _oughter_ too, seeing as I wos 'ed +gardener to the Dook of FITZ-FUZZ for close on twenty year, afore the +rheumaticks took me like wot you see. Hu-a-a-h!!! + +_S.C._ Yes; but, SMUGGINS, all these alterations will run into time +and--expense, I'm afraid. + +_G.O.G._ (_confidentially)._ You leave that to _me_, Sir! The fust +expense'll be the biggest, and a saving in the long run, take _my_ +word. And then you _will_ 'ave a garding, _you_ will, one as that 'ere +muddled up bit o' greenery nex door won't be a patch on it, for all +he's so proud of it.(_Gets Simple Citizen into his clutches, and +works him to his will_.) + + SCENE II.--_The Same, six months later in the Season._ + +_S.C._ (_returning from a fortnight's absence_). What, SMUGGINS, still +at it? And--eh--by Jove, what _have_ you been up to? Why I hardly know +the place again! + +_G.O.G._ (_complacently_). I should 'ope not, Sir It _is_ a bit +different from when you last saw it, I flatter myself. Fact it is a +garding, now. _Then_ it wos a wildernidge! + +_S.C._ Yes, but SMUGGINS, hang it all, you've cut almost every bit of +greenery away! + +_G.O.G._ (_contemptuously_). Greenery!!! And who wants _greenery_? +Greenery ain't gardening, greenery ain't not by chorks. Any fool, even +that cove nex door, can grow _greenery_! + +_S.C._ Yes, but SMUGGINS, I _don't_ like my limes to look like +gouty posts, my branchy elms to show as bare as broom-sticks, and my +fruit-trees to be trimmed into timber-screens! + +_G.O.G._ (_persuasively_). No, Sir, cert'ny _not_. Fact is they'd bin +let grow wild so long that cutting on 'em freely back wos the only way +to save 'em. Jest wait till next year, Sir, and _you_'ll see. + +_S.C._ (_doubtfully_). Humph! Looks beastly now, anyhow. And you've +altered all the paths, and nearly all the beds. I didn't tell you-- + +_G.O.G._ (_emphatically_). No, Sir, you didn't. You give me _cart +blarnch_, you did, and I've done my level best. The Dook 'ad the +same idees at first, but when he comes to know me, he says, says +he, SMUGGINS, you're always right, he says. If you wos to run a +reaping-machine through my horchids, or a traction-engine over my +turf, I should know as you wos a-doing of the right thing--_in_ +the long run! Oh, you leave it to me, Sir, and you won't repent it. +And--ahem--here's my little haccount, Sir,--_hup_ to date. + + [_Presents dirty piece of blue paper, giving scanty details, + and a spanking total. Simple Citizen pays, and tries to look + pleasant._ + +[Illustration] + + SCENE III. + + _The Same, six months later. Present, Simple Citizen, and a + Sympathetic Friend. + +_Sympathetic Friend_. Well, well, it _does_ look a waste, APPLEYARD. + +_Simple Citizen_ (_purple_). A waste! I should think it _did_. indeed! +And to think of the pretty, green, bowery place it was when I took it! +Unprofitable, perhaps, but pleasant. Now it is neither pleasant _nor_ +profitable. + +_S.F._ And all through that rascally ravaging SMUGGINS? + +_S.C._ (_furiously_). The scoundrel!--the sleek, insinuating, +slaughtering scoundrel! He tore up my paths, he altered my beds, he +mutilated my lawns, he stripped my trailers, he hacked my trees into +bare hideousness, all to make work and money for himself and his +partner in iniquity, that nefarious "florist" friend of his. I was a +greenhorn, MUMPSON, a juggins, and I let them fool me to the top of +my bent. He cut up the shrubbery into those horrible flat beds, in +order that I might "grow my hown wegerbles," as he phrased it. He +got money from me for the best and most expensive "ashleaf kidneys" +and "Prooshian Blues," then planted cheap refuse from a small +greengrocer's. My "ashleaf kidneys" turned out waxy marbles; my +Prooshian Blues refused to pod; I spent--or rather he received--pounds +upon my vinery and cucumber frames. My grape-bunches went mouldy, and +I never got a cucumber more than six inches long. His "friend, the +florist," did, no doubt. He stole my shrubs overnight, and sold +'em back to me next morning. He bled my maidservants for "beer and +'baccy." In fact, it was the same all round; he had, in every way, +ruined my garden, run me up exorbitant bills, and then, when the day +of detection was imminent--disappeared. If ever I catch sight of that +mulberry nose of his, I shall be tempted to-- + +_S.F._ (_soothingly_). Ah, yes, just so. But let's hope that +you'll never come across this particular Grand Old Gardener--or his +like--again. (_Waggishly._) By Jove, APPLEYARD, no wonder the world +went wrong, seeing that "the first man" was--a Gardener!!! + + * * * * * + +LEARNED BY ART.--"Beasts in Bond Street!" "Sheep in the Salon!" +Messrs. DOWDESWELLS have taken the wind out of the sails of the +Agricultural Hall, and Mr. DENOVAN ADAM has given us the opportunity +of seeing a superb collection of Scottish Highland Cattle. Mountain, +meadow, moss and moor have all been laid under contribution. The +result is we can have the chance of studying these hornymental animals +without being tossed, and staring at them without being gored. In +the same gallery may be seen a series of pastels of Hampstead Heath, +by Mr. HENRY MUHRMAN--a merman ought to be a sea-painter by rights, +but no matter! The poet has told us that, "'Amsted am the place to +ruralise on a summer's day!" The artist convinces us it is the place +to "pastelise," and he seems to have pastelised to the tune of forty +pictures very successfully. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW OF THE FUTURE. + +[In consequence of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS becoming Sheriff, it is +expected that additional lustre will be given to a future Mayoralty by +the leading Members of "THE Profession" taking to Civic Life.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'ARRY IN ST. PETERSBURGH. + +HE TRIES TO MAKE A DROSKI-DRIVER UNDERSTAND THAT HE COULD HAVE GONE +THE SAME DISTANCE IN A HANSOM FOR LESS MONEY.] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +_PAR CI--PAR LA!_ + +"A good par here, and a bad par there; here a par, and there a par, +and everywhere a par!" Indeed, as an Irishman would say, it is +the Judgment of Pars. Let us look in at the Institute, and see the +Painters in Ile, and no doubt we shall be iley delighted. We go on the +pre-private view day. Not that we are parsimonious, but we prefer to +see the pictures without being scrouged. + +[Illustration: "PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER." + +Hoisted with his own Petar--Guy Fawkes blown up.] + +"_The Release_" is a puzzler. We have taken stock of Mr. STOCK's +picture, and fail to understand it. Is it LULU or ZAZEL? There seems +to have been an explosion, and one person, lightly attired, is blown +up; and another, more warmly clad, is blown down. They will both +probably catch cold. Nothing hazy about Mr. HAYES's pictures. On the +contrary, fresh and brilliant--notably, "_A Grey Sunset._" If you are +subject to _mal-de-mer_, his seas will make you onaisy. The President, +Sir JAMES LINTON, has only two small pictures, both cleverly painted, +but each may be described as a little LINTON; so let us give him a +little hint on the subject; like OLIVER TWIST, we ask for more. "_Too +Many Cooks_," by BURTON BARBER--a Barber who knows how to dress hair. +See the dogs' coats. Miss ETHEL WRIGHT is not very far wrong in her +picture of a fair _canoiste_, and Mr. W.L. WYLLIE is both artful and +wily in his rendering of a "_A Sou' Wester_." "_An Old Harbour in +Sussex_" gives distinct evidence that LEWIS (C.J.) has been moved to +the coast, and it seems to be a move in the right direction. In "_The +Red Canoe_," Mr. ALFRED PARSONS delivers an eloquent sermon on the +joys of life on the Thames. + +The Royal Society of British Artists have fewer pictures than usual +at their new show. Quality better than common. Mr. F. BRANGWYN's +"_Funeral at Sea_" is excellent. Mr. R. MACHELL's "_Lakshmi_," not +easy to understand. It might be "Lakshmi, or the Lost Bathing-dress." +She might certainly say, "I lacks my _costume de bain_." +"_Durham_"--good landscape by Mr. YGLESIAS. Mr. NELSON DAWSON in his +"_Sunset Breeze_," gives us real sea and good seamanship. In "_Trying +it Over_," Mr. LOMAX has tried it over to some purpose, and has +produced a successful little picture of an enthusiastic flautist. Mr. +G.F. WATTS sends "_Lord Tennyson_." But why in ermine? The Laureate is +quite good enough for us without his Peer's robes. What did HARRY THE +EIGHTH say concerning HOLBEIN? Anything more to see? Of course there +is. But what is my text? "Pars about Pictures." And so I pass about. +_I_ mustn't linger, but remain + +Yours par-ticularly, + +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +GOLF VICTOR! + + Sir Golf and Sir Tennis are fighting like mad-- + Now Sir Tennis is blown, and Sir Golf's right above him, + And his face has a look that is weary and sad, + As he hastily turns to the ladies, who love him, + But the racket falls from him, he totters, and swirls, + As he hears them cry, "Golf is the game for the girls!" + + * * * * * + + The girls crave for freedom, they cannot endure + To be cramped up at Tennis in courts that are poky, + And they're all of them certainly, perfectly sure + That they'll never again touch "that horrible Croquet," + Where it's quite on the cards that they play with Papa, + And where all that goes on is surveyed by Mamma. + + To Golf on the downs for the whole of the day + Is "so awfully jolly," they keep on asserting, + With a good-looking fellow to teach you the way, + And to fill up the time with some innocent flirting, + And it may be the maiden is wooed and is won, + Ere the whole of the round is completed and done. + + Henceforward, then, Golf is the game for the fair-- + At home, and abroad, or in pastures Colonial, + And the shouts of the ladies will quite fill the air + For the Links that will turn into bonds Matrimonial, + And for husbands our daughters in future will seek + With the powerful aid of the putter and cleek! + + * * * * * + +CORRESPONDENCE SPECIAL.--KNOODEL, of Knoodel Court, writes to +us:--"Sir,--I have recently come across the name 'bacteriologist.' +Is it a new name for a person who writes ill of another behind his +back? If so, the best remedy for the mischief he causes is a criminal +action." [Our advice to KNOODEL is, "Consult a Solicitor."--ED.] + + * * * * * + +"CARMEN UP TO DATE AT THE GAIETY."--"Approbation of Miss ALMA STANLEY +is praise indeed." The correct quotation adapted _à la fin du Siècle_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN OUR GARDEN.] + +_Tuesday Morning_.--Still in Edinburgh, but going home to-night. Just +received telegram from Member for SARK. "Come home at once," he says; +"the _Peronospora Schleideniana_ has got at the onions." + +Rather a shock to have news like this flashed upon one with that +absence of deliberation that sometimes marks the telegraph service. +But I cannot say I am surprised. I had, indeed, before leaving, called +SARK's attention to what I recognised as the greyish mycelial threads +of the fungus spreading upon the pipes and budding seed-heads. If SARK +had steeped the seed in sulphate of copper before planting it, this +wouldn't have happened. It's a pity, for I rather thought we would +make something towards expenses out of that onion-bed. There's no more +profitable crop than your pickling onions if well farmed. I know a man +who made £150 an acre out of his onions. But then he wasn't hampered +in his arrangements with a fellow like SARK. + +Called on Mr. G. to say good-bye. He was sympathetic about the onion +blight, but I could see that his mind was occupied with other and +perhaps equally saddening thoughts. + +"I suppose you have been made aware of the intelligence that has +reached me through the usual sources?" he said. "I have had a pretty +good time here. I have belaboured the Government from all points +of attack. I think I managed pretty well with the Disestablishment +Question. You don't think, TOBY," he said, with a passing look of +deeper apprehension, "that I gave myself away at all on the matter? +The worst of these fellows is that they keep a record of every word +I say, a custom which seriously hampers one in his movements. What I +should like, if it were permitted, would be to come quite fresh to a +question year after year, and say upon it exactly what happened to be +convenient, without having before my eyes the certainty that somebody +would dig out what I said on the same subject last year, or five years +ago." + +I assured him that I thought not much could be made out of his remarks +on Disestablishment Question. In fact it would be difficult to prove +that he had said anything at all. Brightened up at this; but cloud +again deepened over his mobile face. + +"Yes, perhaps I've done pretty well," he said, with a sigh. "I have +steered through a very difficult position without running ashore; +I have had an immense popular reception; I have stirred up the +constituency, and have, if I may say so, supplied with fresh oil the +sacred lamp of Liberalism. Now, just when I was beginning in some +modest measure to felicitate myself, there comes news of a crushing +master-stroke devised by the Government. Though I do not disguise my +discomfiture, I would not withhold my tribute of admiration at the +brilliancy of the stroke, of the genius of its conception, and of the +completeness with which it has been dealt. I have been here more than +a week, and have delivered four speeches. The Government and their +friends on the platform and in the press affect to sneer at my efforts +and their influence. Still, they feel it is necessary to make a +counter-demonstration, and to effectually undo whatever work I may +have accomplished. What course do they adopt? Why, they send down +ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. He was at Dalkeith last night, and, in a single +speech, destroyed the effect of my great effort of Saturday. He will +go to West Calder; he will come here; he will follow me step by step +with relentless energy, tearing up, so to speak, the rails I have +laid, and which I had hoped would have safely conducted the Liberal +train into the Westminster station. _Sic vos non vobis_. It is cruel, +it is crushing. If I had only foreseen it, I would have remained at +Hawarden, and you might have averted the calamity that overshadows +your Garden." + +Quite distressed to see my venerated friend broken down. Bad for him +to stop at home and brood over calamity. Best thing would be change of +scene and thought. He had made engagement to-day to go to Pumpherston +and inspect oil and candle works. Better keep it. + +"No," said Mr. G., wearily, "oil comforts me not, nor candles either. +Now, if it were pork, it would be different. Few things so interesting +as pork. Not from a dietetic point of view, but regarded historically. +As I mentioned to a Correspondent the other day, in the course of +Homeric work I have examined into the use of pork by the ancients. +A very curious subject. I shall make some references to it in +the closing paper which I am writing for _Good Words_ on the Old +Testament. I am under the impression that the dangers which lurk +beneath the integument of a leg (or sirloin) of pork, are specially +connected with the heat of Southern climates." + +Curious to see how rapidly his aspect changed as these thoughts +pressed upon his mind. When I came in, he had been sitting in an +arm-chair, with his head resting on his hand, and his brow painfully +wrinkled. He looked quite old--at least seventy. Now he was up, +walking about the room with springy stride, his mind actively engaged +in framing theories on the use of pork by HOMER's contemporaries. +If I could only keep him engaged, he would forget the blow that had +descended upon him, and would regain his usual equanimity. A question +as to whether he thought Achilles liked sage with his pork, cunningly +led him on to a long disquisition, till, in a quarter of an hour, +he was quite a changed man, and set out with great energy for +Pumpherston. + +Fine enthusiasm along the route. Immense reception from the working +men. Splendid luncheon set out at one end of the shed where we were +assembled; bill of fare included crude oil, sulphate of ammonia, +various mineral oils, and candles made from paraffin. There was no +wine, but plenty of ammonia-water. Manager presented Mrs. G. with bust +in paraffin wax, which he said was Mr. G. Also handed her a packet +of dips cunningly carved in the likeness of HERBERT, the wick combed +out so as to represent a shock of hair. Mr. G. delighted; standing on +a barrel of paraffin, he addressed the company in a luminous speech, +tracing back the candle to the earliest times. That candles existed +in the Mosaic era, he reminded them, was shown by the question which +had puzzled succeeding ages--as to the precise locality in which the +great Law-giver stood when the medium of illumination provided for +his convenience was suddenly extinguished. This was a great hit; +enthusiasm knew no bounds. Hospitality of the Pumpherston people +really embarrassing; they filled our pockets with candles of all sizes +and descriptions, and insisted upon each of us taking away a quart +bottle of paraffin oil imperfectly corked. + +Never shall I forget the radiant look of Mr. G. as he left the works +loaded with candles and congratulations, whilst Mrs. G., walking by +his side, carefully carried the bust in paraffin wax. He had evidently +forgotten all about ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. + + * * * * * + +DEATH-BALL; OR, A NEW NAME FOR IT. + +Yesterday the celebrated Midland Spine-splitters met the Ribcracking +Rovers at the prepared Ambulance Grounds recently opened in +conjunction with the local County Hospital. A large staff of medical +men, supplied with all the necessary surgical appliances, were in +attendance. Play commenced effectively, the Rovers keeping the ball +well before them, with only a few broken arms, a dislocated thigh, and +a fractured jaw or two. Later, however, affairs moved more briskly, +one of the Spine-splitter forwards getting the ball well down to goal; +but, being met with "opposition," he was carried senseless from the +field. A lively scrimmage followed, amid a general cracking of ribs +and snapping of spines. The field now being covered with wounded, the +Police interfered, and the play terminated in a draw. + + * * * * * + +PIECE WITH HONOUR AT THE AVENUE.--The successful and pretty little +play just produced at Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER's theatre may be described +as more "_Shadow_" than "_Sunlight_." + + * * * * * + +A SAFE COURSE.--A German physician, Dr. KOCH, hopes to benefit +humanity by his new cure for Consumption. At present he is reticent on +the subject, and he won't speak till he is KOCH sure. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., November 8, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12469 *** diff --git a/12469-h/12469-h.htm b/12469-h/12469-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0f54b03 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/12469-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1815 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, November 8, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12469 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 8, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page217" + id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. V.—MIGNON'S MESS-ROOM.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By</i> TOM RUM SUMMER, <i>Author of "Mignon's Ma," + "Mignon's Hub," "Footle's Father," "Tootle's Tootsie," "Ugly + Tom," "Your Rich Richard," "A Baby in Barracks," "Stuck," + "Hoop-Lore," "Went for that Pleeceman," &c., &c., + &c., &c., &c., &c., &c., &c.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["This," writes the eminent Author, "is a <i>real, + true</i> story of the life of soldiers and children. + Soldiers are <i>grand, noble</i> fellows. They are so + <i>manly</i>, and all smoke a great deal of tobacco. My + drawl is the only genuine one. I could do a lot more of the + same sort, but I charge extra for pathos. I'm a + man.—T.R.S."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Three blind mice—</p> + + <p>See how they run."</p> + + <p class="i4">—<i>Old Song</i>,</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The Officers of the Purple Dragoons were gathered together + in their ante-room. It was a way they had. They were all there. + Grand fellows, too, most of them—tall, broad-shouldered, + and silky-haired, and as good as gold. That gets tiresome after + a time, but everything can be set right with one downright + rascally villain—a villain, mind you, that poor, weak + women, know nothing about. GAVOR was that kind of man. Of + course that was why he was to break his neck, and get smashed + up generally. But I am anticipating, and a man should never + anticipate. EMILY, for instance, never did. EMILY—Captain + EMILY, of the Purple Dragoons—was the biggest fool in the + Service. Everybody told him so; and EMILY, who had a trustful, + loving nature, always believed what he was told.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/217.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/217.png" + alt="Mignon and the Officers of the Purple Dragoons." /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>"I nev-ah twry," he used to say—it was a difficult + word to pronounce, but EMILY always stuck to it as only a + soldier can. and got it out somehow—"I nev-ah twry to + wremember things the wwrong way wround."</p> + + <p>A roar of laughter greeted this sally. They all knew he + meant "anticipate," but they all loved their EMILY far too well + to set him right.</p> + + <p>"'Pon my soul," he continued, "it's quite twrue. You fellows + may wroawr wiv laughtewr if you like, but it's twrue, and you + know it's twrne."</p> + + <p>There was another explosion of what EMILY would have called + "mewrwriment," at this, for it was well-known to be one of the + gallant dragoon's most humorous efforts. A somewhat protracted + silence followed. FOOTLES, however, took it in both hands, and + broke it with no greater emotion than he would have shown if he + had been called upon to charge a whole squadron of + Leicestershire Bullfinches, or to command a Lord Mayor's escort + on the 9th of November. Dear old FOOTLES! He wasn't clever, no + Purple Dragoon could be, but he wasn't the biggest fool in the + Service, like EMILY, and all the rest of them. Still he loved + another's.</p> + + <p>In fact, whenever a Purple Dragoon fell in love, the object + of his affections immediately pretended to love someone else. + Hard lines, but soldiers were born to suffer. It is so easy, so + true, so usual to say, "there's another day to-morrow," but + that never helped even a Purple Dragoon to worry through to-day + any the quicker. Poor, brave, noble, drawling, manly, + pipe-smoking fellows! On this particular occasion FOOTLES + uttered only one word. It was short, and began with the fourth + letter of the alphabet. But he may be pardoned, for some of the + glowing embers from his magnificent briar-wood pipe had dropped + on to his regulation overalls. The result was painful—to + FOOTLES. All the others laughed as well as they could, with + clays, meerschaums, briars, and asbestos pipes in their mouths. + And through the thick cloud of scented smoke the mess-waiter + came into the room, bearing in his hand a large registered + letter, and coughing violently.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The mouse ran up the clock."</p> + + <p class="i4">—<i>Nursery Rhyme</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The waiter advanced slowly to FOOTLES, and handed him the + letter. FOOTLES took it meditatively, and turned it over in + both hands. The post-marks were illegible, and the envelope + much crumpled. "Never mind," thought FOOTLES, to himself, "it + will dry straight—it will dry straight." He always + thought this twice, because it was one of his favourite + phrases. At last he decided to open it. As he broke the seal a + little cry was heard, and suddenly, before even EMILY had had + time to say "I nev-ah!" a charming and beautifully dressed + girl, of about fifteen summers, sprang lightly from the packet + on to the mess-room floor, and kissed her pretty little hand to + the astonished Dragoons.</p> + + <p>"You're FOOTLES," she said, skipping up to the + thunder-stricken owner of the name. "I know you very well. I'm + going to be your daughter, and you're going to marry my mother. + Oh, it's all right," she continued, as she observed FOOTLES + press his right hand convulsively to the precise spot on his + gorgeous mess-waistcoat under which he imagined his heart to be + situated, "it's all right. Pa's going to be comfortably killed, + and put out of the way, and then you'll marry darling Mamma. + She'll be a thousand times more beautiful at thirty-three than + she was at twenty-two, and <i>ever</i> so much more lovely at + fifty-five than at thirty-three. So it's a good bargain, isn't + it, EM?" This to EMILY, who appeared confused. She trotted up + to him, and laid her soft blooming cheek against his blooming + hard one. "Never mind, EM," she lisped, "everything is bound to + come out right. I've settled it all"—this with a + triumphant look on her baby-face—"with the author; such a + splendid writer, none of your twaddling women-scribblers, but a + real man, and a great friend of mine. I'm to marry you, EM. You + don't know it, because you once loved NAOMI, who 'mawrwried the + Wrevewrend SOLOMON'"—at this point most of the Purple + Dragoons were rude enough to yawn openly. She paid no attention + to them—"and now you love OLIVE, but she loves PARKACK, + and he doesn't love her, so she has got to marry PARKOSS, whom + she doesn't love. Their initials are the same, and everybody + knows their caligraphy is exactly alike," she went on wearily, + "so that's how the mistake arose. It's a bit far-fetched, but," + and her arch smile as she said this would have melted a harder + heart than Captain EMILY's, "we mustn't be too particular in a + soldier's tale, you know."</p> + + <p>As she concluded her remarks the door opened, and Colonel + PURSER entered the room.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man."</p> + + <p class="i4">—<i>Old Ballad</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Colonel PURSER was a stout, plethoric man. He was five feet + seven inches high, forty-five inches round the chest, fifty + inches round the waist, and every inch of him was a soldier. He + was, therefore, a host in himself. He gasped, and turned red, + but, like a real soldier, at once grasped the situation. The + Colonel was powerful, and the situation, in spite of all my + pains, was not a strong one. The struggle was short.</p> + + <p>"Pardon me," said the Colonel, when he had recovered his + wind, "is your name MIGNON?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," she replied, as the tears brimmed over in her lovely + eyes, "it is. I am a simple soldier's child, but, oh, I can run + so beautifully—through ever so many volumes, and lots of + editions. In fact," she added, confidentially, "I don't see why + I should stop at all, do you? EMILY <i>must</i> marry me. He + can't marry OLIVE, because Dame Nature put in <i>her</i> eyes + with a dirty finger. Ugh! I've got blue eyes."</p> + + <p>"But," retorted the Colonel, quickly, "shall you never + quarrel?"</p> + + <p>"Oh yes," answered MIGNON, "there will come a rift in the + hitherto perfect lute of our friendship (the rift's name will + be DARKEY), but we shall manage to bridge it over—at + least TOM RUM SUMMER says so." Here EMILY broke in. He could + stand it no longer. "Dash it, you know, this is wewry + extwraowrdinawry, wewry extwraowrdinawry indeed," he observed; + "You'wre a most wremawrkable young woman, you know."</p> + + <p>A shout of laughter followed this remark, and in the fog of + tobacco-smoke Colonel PURSER could be dimly seen draining a + magnum of champagne.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Hey diddle, diddle."</p> + + <p class="i4">—<i>Songs and Romances</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Everything fell out exactly as MIGNON prophesied. But if you + think that you've come to the end of MIGNON, I can only say + you're very much astray, or as EMILY, with his smooth silky + voice, and his smoother silkier manners, would have said, + "You'wre wewry much astwray." See my next dozen stories.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>THE END. (<i>Pro tem.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page218" + id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <h3>THE GRAND OLD + STUMPER.</h3><a href="images/218.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/218.png" + alt="Mr. Gladstone." /></a> "WHAT IS FASHION? 'AFTER A + FASHION HAS BEEN DISCARDED—IF YOU HAVE ONLY + PATIENCE TO WAIT LONG ENOUGH—YOU WILL FIND YOU + WILL GET BACK TO IT.' LOOK AT MY COLLARS!—AND + UMBRELLA!!" [<i>See Mr. Gladstone's Speech during the + recent Midlothian Campaign.</i>) + </div> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>Wait a little longer.</i>"</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's a good time coming, friends,</p> + + <p class="i2">That flood is flowing stronger;</p> + + <p>The reigning mode in failure ends,</p> + + <p class="i4">Wait a little longer!</p> + + <p>Fashion <i>is</i> ever on the wing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Arch-enemy of Beauty.</p> + + <p>Now, when we get a first-rate thing,</p> + + <p class="i2">To stick to it's our duty.</p> + + <p>But no, the whirling wheel must whirl,</p> + + <p class="i2">The zig-zag go zig-zagging;</p> + + <p>The wig to-day must crisply curl,</p> + + <p class="i2">That yesterday was bagging.</p> + + <p>But good things <i>do</i> come "bock agen."</p> + + <p class="i2">For banishment but stronger</p> + + <p>(With bonnets or with Grand Old Men),</p> + + <p class="i4">Wait a little longer!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From Eighty unto Eighty-Five</p> + + <p class="i2">These collars were the rage, friends;</p> + + <p>Didn't we keep the game alive,</p> + + <p class="i2">In spite of creeping age, friends?</p> + + <p>But oh, that horrid Eighty-Six!</p> + + <p class="i2">They deemed me fairly settled,</p> + + <p>As though just ferried o'er the Styx,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I was tougher mettled.</p> + + <p>I knew the fashion would return</p> + + <p class="i2">For just this size of collar.</p> + + <p>(And that's a lesson they'll soon learn,</p> + + <p class="i2">You bet your bottom dollar.)</p> + + <p>Bless you, I'm "popping up again,"</p> + + <p class="i2">For four years' fighting stronger.</p> + + <p>Once more I'm here to fire the train—</p> + + <p class="i4">Wait a little longer!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've told you all about BALFOUR,</p> + + <p class="i2">And his black Irish scandals;</p> + + <p>(With side-lights upon days of yore,</p> + + <p class="i2">My bachelor life, and candles.)</p> + + <p>I've touched on Disestablishment</p> + + <p class="i2">(I trust you'll not say + <i>thinly</i>),</p> + + <p>On Eight Hours Bills a speech I've spent,</p> + + <p class="i2">And scarified M'KINLEY.</p> + + <p>And now, to wind up, I'll explain</p> + + <p class="i2">My favourite views on Fashion:</p> + + <p><i>Big Collars will come back again!!!</i></p> + + <p class="i2">'Twill raise the Tories' passion.</p> + + <p>But, with these Collars, this Umbrella,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd face them, though thrice + stronger!</p> + + <p>Friends—trust once more your Grand Old + Fella,</p> + + <p class="i4">And—wait a <i>leetle</i> + longer!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A BOOTHIFUL IDEA!</h2> + + <p>Just finished my article on "Antediluvian Archæology + in its relation to Genesis and the Iliad," and now all that + remains to do is to carry the rest of my books down to the new + library, make catalogue, consider subjects for five more + speeches, write thirty-six letters and postcards, and polish + off the ten last clauses of the Home-Rule Bill. This idleness + is oppressive. Not used to it. What shall I do?</p> + + <p>Piles of correspondence by morning post! What <i>can</i> + this be about? Ah! I remember now! <i>Nineteenth Century</i> + just out, of course. Glad I thought of starting "Society of + Universal Beneficence." Will keep me going after excitement of + Midlothian. Wonder how many people will "bind themselves to + give away a fixed proportion of their income,"—also what + the proportion will be, if they do. Don't know if I + <i>should</i> have thought of it, if it hadn't been for General + BOOTH's book. Remarkable person, the General. Perhaps he'd + order his Army to vote solid for Home Rule, if I offered him a + place in my next Cabinet? Must sound him on the subject. + Salvationists quite a power now. Can't cut Field-Marshal VON + BOOTH <i>up</i> in a Magazine, so must cut him <i>out</i> + instead!</p> + + <p>Ha! Letter from LABOUCHERE, of all people. H—m! Says + he's "glad to see I've started Universal Beneficence Society. + Thought of doing so himself once." Congratulates me on turning + my attention to "Social Reform." Says he thinks it's an + "Ecclesent idea,"—he must mean "Excellent," surely!</p> + + <p>"Inquirer"—(post-mark, Hatfield. Curious circumstance, + rather)—writes to ask for details of the Society. + "Prefers at present to remain anonymous," but an answer sent to + "S., Hatfield House," will always find him! Meanwhile, encloses + postal order for one pound ten shillings a "fixed proportion of + his income," as he sees that I've "offered to make myself the + careful recipient of any assents," by which he supposes that I + mean cash. A little embarrassing!</p> + + <p>Take stroll in Park to collect my thoughts. Find two leading + Belfast linen-merchants busily gathering up sawdust, &c, + round tree I felled yesterday. They explain that they've + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page219" + id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span> been "much interested in my + novel idea of converting chips of wood into best cambric + pocket-handkerchiefs," and think that it beats General + BOOTH's notion of making children's toys out of old + sardine-tins hollow. I should rather think it did! Still, + have to confess that I'm <i>not</i> ready at present to + "quote them my wholesale price for best oak-shavings + delivered free on rail."</p> + + <p>Telegram from—CHAMBERLAIN! Says he sees the new + Society's one of "universal" beneficence, and supposes it + includes him! Quite a mistake! Sends cheque for three pounds, + and hopes I'll "keep a strict account of all sums received, and + issue a report and balance-sheet shortly." Really, very + injudicious of me to use word "universal"! Ought to have + expressly excluded Liberal-Unionists (so-called), from my plan. + That's where General BOOTH has advantage of me. <i>He</i> + probably doesn't exclude anybody that wants to send him money. + Perhaps, after all, he knows how to do this sort of thing + better than I do.</p> + + <p>Wire to him, and hand him over the money I've already + received, also ask him to start a "universally beneficent" + branch of Salvation Army. Receive reply, accepting my offer, in + no time! General adds that he has a staff appointment in his + Army waiting for me, and that he would like my good lady to + become a Salvation Lass. Requires consideration + and—hem—consultation!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/219.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/219.png" + alt="Geoffrey and his dog, Smut." /></a> + + <h3>EASY FOR THE JUDGES.</h3><i>Geoffrey</i> (<i>to + rejected Candidate for honours at the Dog Show</i>). "NEVER + MIND, SMUT! WE'LL HAVE A DOG SHOW THAT SHALL BE ALL CATS + EXCEPT YOU, AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE IT ALL YOUR OWN WAY!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT THE PASTEL EXHIBITION.</h3> + + <h4>IN THE ANTE-ROOM.</h4> + + <p><i>A Niece</i>. Just one moment, Auntie, dear; <i>do</i> + look and see what No. 295 is!</p> + + <p><i>Her Aunt</i> (<i>with a Catalogue—and a + conscience</i>). Two hundred and ninety-five! Before we have + even seen No. 1? No, my dear, no. Let us take things in their + proper order—or not at all. (<i>Perambulates the + galleries for some minutes, refraining religiously from looking + at anything but the numbers.</i>) Ah, <i>here</i> it + is—Number One! <i>Now</i>, ETHEL, I'm ready to tell you + anything you please!</p> + + <p><i>First Matter-of-Fact Person</i>. Ah, here's another of + the funny ones! [<i>Is suddenly seized with depression.</i></p> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> Y-yes. (<i>Examines it + gloomily.</i>) What's it all about?</p> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i> (<i>blankly</i>). Oh, well, it's a + Pastel—I don't suppose it's meant to be about anything in + particular, you know.</p> + + <p><i>The Conscientious Aunt</i> (<i>before No. 129</i>). + "<i>The Sprigged Frock</i>"? Yes, that must be the one. I + suppose those <i>are</i> meant for sprigs—but I can't + make out the pattern. She <i>might</i> have made her hair a + little tidier—such a bush! and I never <i>do</i> think + blue and green go well together, myself.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They come to a portrait of a charming lady in grey, + by</i> Mr. SOLOMON.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Niece</i> (<i>with a sense of being on firm ground at + last</i>). Why, it's ELLEN TERRY! See if it isn't, Auntie.</p> + + <p><i>The C.A.</i> (<i>referring to Catalogue</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The leaves of Memory seemed to</p> + + <p>Make a mournful rustling."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>—that's all it <i>says</i> about it.</p> + + <p><i>The Niece</i> (<i>finding a certain vagueness in this as + a description</i>). Oh! But there are <i>no</i> + leaves—unless it means the leaves in the book she's + reading. Still I think it <i>must</i> be ELLEN TERRY; don't + you?</p> + + <p><i>The C.A.</i> (<i>cautiously</i>.) Well, my dear, I always + think it's as well not to be too positive about a portrait till + you know who it was painted from.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Matter-of-Fact Persons <i>have arrived at a + Pastel representing several green and yellow ladies seated + undraped around a fountain, with fiddles suspended to the + branches above.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> "<i>Marigolds</i>," that's called. + I don't <i>see</i> any though. [<i>With a sense of being + imposed upon.</i></p> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i> I think <i>I</i> do—yes, those + orange spots in the green. They're meant for Marigolds, but + there aren't very many of them, are there? And why should they + all be sitting on the grass like that? Enough to give them + their deaths of cold!</p> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> I expect they've been bathing.</p> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i> They couldn't <i>all</i> bathe in + that fountain, and then what do you make of their bringing out + their violins?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The other</i> M.-of-F. Person <i>making nothing of + it, they pass on.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>An Irritable Philistine</i>. Nonsense, Sir, you + <i>can't</i> admire them, don't tell <i>me</i>! Do you mean to + say <i>you</i> ever saw all those blues, and greens, and + yellows, in Nature, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>His Companion</i>. I mean to say that that is how Nature + appears to an eye trained to see things in a true and not a + merely conventional light.</p> + + <p><i>The I.P.</i>. Then all <i>I</i> can say is, that if + things ever appeared to <i>me</i> as unconventionally as all + that, I should go straight home and take a couple of liver + pills, Sir. I should!</p> + + <p><i>First Frivolous Old Lady</i>. Here's another of them, my + dear. It's no use, we've <i>got</i> to admire it, this is the + kind of thing you and I must be educated up to in our old + age!</p> + + <p><i>Second F.O.L.</i> It makes me feel as if I was on board a + yacht, that's all I know—just look at the perspective in + that room, all slanted up!</p> + + <p><i>First F.O.L.</i> That's your ignorance, my dear, it's + quite the right perspective for a Pastel, it's our rooms that + are all wrong—not these clever young gentlemen.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They go about chuckling and poking old ladylike fun + at all the more eccentric Pastels, and continue to enjoy + themselves immensely.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P. (they have come to a Pastel depicting a + young woman seated on the Crescent Moon, nursing an + infant</i>). H'm—very peculiar. <i>I</i> never saw Diana + represented with a <i>baby</i> before—did <i>you</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> + No—(<i>hopefully</i>)—but perhaps it's intended for + somebody else. But it's <i>not</i> the place <i>I</i> should + choose to nurse an infant in. It doesn't look safe, and it + can't be very comfortable.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They go on into a smaller room, and come upon a + sketch of a small child, with an immense red mouth, and no + visible nose, eyes, or legs.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i> "<i>Little Girl in + Black</i>"—what a very plain child, to be sure!</p> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> What there <i>is</i> of it; but it + looks to me as if the artist had spent so much time over the + black that he forgot to put in the little girl—he's got + her <i>mouth</i>, though.</p> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i>. Well, if it was <i>my</i> child, I + should insist upon having the poor little thing more finished + than that—even if I had to pay extra for it.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A</i> Superior Person <i>has entered the West + Gallery, accompanied by a</i> Responsive Lady, <i>who has + already grasped the fact that a taste for Pastels is the + sure sign of a superior nature.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i>. Isn't that portrait quite wonderful! + Wouldn't you take it for an oil-painting?</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i>. One might—without some + experience—which is just where it is so entirely wrong. A + Pastel has no business to imitate the <i>technique</i> of any + other medium.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page220" + id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> Oh, I think you are <i>so</i> right. + Because, after all, it <i>is</i> only a Pastel, isn't it? and + it oughtn't to pretend to be anything else. (<i>She looks + reproachfully at the too ambitious Pastel</i>.) And it isn't as + if it was <i>successful</i>, either—it won't bear being + looked into at all closely.</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> You should never look at a Pastel closely; + they are meant to be seen from a distance.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> (<i>brightly</i>). Or else you miss the + effect? I <i>quite</i> see. Now, I like + <i>this</i>—(<i>indicating a vague and streaky little + picture</i>)—don't you? That's what I call a <i>real</i> + Pastel.</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> (<i>screwing up his eyes</i>). H'm! Yes. + Perhaps. Clever-ish. Suggestive.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> (<i>shocked</i>). Oh, <i>do</i> you think + so? I don't see anything of <i>that</i> kind in it—at + least, I don't think it can be <i>intentional</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> The beauty of Art <i>is</i> to suggest, to + give work for the imagination.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> (<i>recovering herself</i>). I know so + <i>exactly</i> what you mean—just as one makes all sorts + of things out of the patches of damp on an old ceiling?</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> Hardly. I should define Damp as the product + of Nature—not <i>Art</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> Oh, yes; if you put it in that way, of + <i>course</i>! I only meant it as an illustration—the two + things are really as different as possible. (<i>Changes the + subject.</i>) They don't seem to mind <i>what</i> coloured + paper they use for Pastels, do they?</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> (<i>oracularly</i>). It + is—er—always advisable in Pastels to use a tone of + paper to harmonise as nearly as possible with the particular + tone you—er—want. Because, you see, as the colour + doesn't always cover the <i>whole</i> of the paper, if the + paper which shows through is different in tone, + it—er—</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> Won't match? I <i>see</i>. How clever! + (<i>She arrives at a highly eccentric composition, and ventures + upon an independent opinion.</i>) Now I can't say I care for + <i>that</i>—there's so very little done to it, and what + there is is so glaring and <i>crude</i>, don't you think? I + call it <i>stupid</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> I was just about to say that it is the + cleverest thing in the Exhibition—from an artistic point + of view. No special interest in it, but the scheme of colour + very harmonious—and very decorative.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> Oh, <i>isn't</i> it? That's <i>just</i> the + right word for it—it is <i>so</i> decorative! and I do + like the scheme of colour. Yes, it's very clever. I quite feel + <i>that</i> about it. (<i>With a gush</i>.) It is <i>so</i> + nice looking at pictures with somebody who has exactly the same + tastes as oneself. And I always <i>was</i> fond of + pastilles!</p> + + <p><i>A Pavement Pastellist</i> (<i>to a friend</i>). Well, + JIM, I dunno what <i>you</i> think, but I call it a shellin' + clean chucked away, I do. I come in yere,—hearin' as all + the subjicks was done in chorks, same as I do my own—I + come in on the chance o' pickin' up a notion or two as might be + useful to me in my perfession. But, Lor, they ain't got a ideer + among 'em, that they ain't! They ain't took the measure of the + popilar taste not by a nundred miles, they 'aven't. Why, I + ain't seen a single thing as I'd reckincile it to my conscience + to perduce before <i>my</i> public—there ain't 'ardly a + droring in the 'ole bloomin' show as I'd be seen settin' down + beyind! Put down some of these 'ere Pastellers to do a mouse a + nibbling at a candle, or a battle in the Soudang, or a rat + snifin' at a smashed hegg, and you'd soon see <i>they</i> was + no good! Precious few coppers 'ud fall into <i>their</i> 'ats, + I'll go bail! [<i>Exit indignantly, as Scene closes.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>EXCELLENT EXAMPLE.</h2> + + <p>In a recent trial for Breach of Promise, a letter was read + from Defendant saying that "he must now get a monkey;" + whereupon the "learned Under-Sheriff," as reported in the + <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, exclaimed, "A Monkey! What the goodness + does he mean?" Now, isn't that better than saying, "What the + deuce?" Of course, no doubt the learned Under-Sheriff is + suficiently learned to remember the old rhyme—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"There was an old man of Domingo</p> + + <p>Who'd a habit of swearing, 'By Jingo!'</p> + + <p class="i2">But a friend having come</p> + + <p class="i2">Who suggested 'By Gum!'</p> + + <p>He preferred it at once to 'By Jingo!'"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The goodness of the learned Under-Sheriff is worthy of all + praise, and of general imitation.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SWEETS TO THE SWEET.—It is stated that one of the + features of the Lord Mayor's Show this year is to be a + Detachment of the Survivors of the Balaclava Charge. This is an + excellent idea, that may be developed to almost any extent. + Could we not have the Hero who had read every Novel that has + been published during the last six months; the Brave Man who + has been to every Dramatic <i>Matinée</i> since January; + and the Scorner of Death, who has existed during an entire + season in the odours (sweet, or otherwise) of Kensington and + Tyburnia? The latter on the present occasion might immediately + precede the Lord MAYOR Elect, for, by association of ideas, he + would certainly serve as an excellent foil to Mr. Alderman + SAVORY!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—<i>Rentrée</i> of Miss MAGGIE + MCINTYRE, appropriately enough as <i>Margherita</i>. "She's + Macintyrely first-rate," says our <i>blasé</i> young + man, on being caught napping after the Opera, and interviewed + on the spot, "but can't say much for the rest,"—except + the rest he took himself.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:11%;"> + <a href="images/220-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Our Reporter hoff to the Hopera. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Our <i>blasé</i> young man went + to this, but as we only saw him for a moment passing in a cab, + when he looked out, and bade us a "Good night," we can only + suppose that it was "a good night" at the Opera. He writes to + say that the performance of <i>The Huguenots</i> was excellent, + GIULIA RAVOGLI being specially good, but the draughts too + strong. <i>What draughts?</i></p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/220-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Miss Damian as La Cieca feeling her way. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—<i>La Gioconda</i>. A good + performance all round. But the night specially memorable as + being the first appearance of Miss GRACE DAMIAN on the stage of + the Royal Italian Opera anywhere. It is a good omen for her + that she appeared in Signor PONCHIELLI's Opera, the composer + being a distant connection of the great ancient Italian family + of the PONCINELLI, of which <i>Mr. Punch</i> is now the chief + universal representative. It is a remarkable fact, too, showing + the strong force of canine attachment, which centuries cannot + obliterate, that the <i>Libretto</i> of <i>La Gioconda</i>, set + to music by Signor PONCHIELLI (the "h" came in when the genuine + liquid "n" was dropped) was written by TOBIA GORRIO. That an + Opera, written by TOBIA, or TOBY, and composed by PUNCINELLO, + should possess all the elements of success, goes without + saying. We welcome Signor GALASSI (a sporting title, reminding + us of <i>Gay Lass</i>), with MARIA PERI (who must appear in + <i>Il Paradiso</i>), and GIULIA RAVOGLI. Her Grace of DAMIAN + made a most successful <i>début</i> as <i>La Cieca</i>, + and was cheered to the echo. Thank Heaven, there isn't an echo + in Covent Garden—but, if there had been, Echo would have + repeated hospitably the "good cheer" a dozen times, as she does + somewhere about Killarney. Signor LAGO stars "HER MAJESTY THE + QUEEN" at the head of his bill, but it is only to say that Her + Gracious MAJESTY has been graciously pleased to honour him by + subscribing for the Royal Box during the present season, which + is, in effect, saying that he has <i>let the best box in the + house for a Sovereign!</i></p> + + <p><i>Thursday Night</i>.—ALBANI as the unhappy + <i>Traviata</i>. Big and enthusiastic House. Signor PADILLA, as + the Elder <i>Germont</i>, excellent, and just contrived most + gracefully to refuse the honour of an <i>encore</i> for his + "<i>Di Provenza</i>." Since RONCONI, it is difficult to call to + mind an artist equal histrionically to Signor PADILLA, who is + so grave and impressive as that utter bore, "the Elder + <i>Germont</i>," so gay and eccentric as <i>Figaro</i>, and so + dashing and reckless as the unscrupulous <i>Don Giovanni</i>. + That milksop, <i>Germont</i> Junior, known as <i>Alfredo</i>, + was adequately played by Signor GIANNINI, whose name, were it + spelt GIA-"NINNY," would partly describe the character he + represented.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>.—Our <i>blasé</i> young man + writes to say, "I am suffering from effects of draughts at + Opera. Think it must be some Operatic air which has given me + cold. It's a gruel case for yours truly."</p> + + <p><i>Saturday Night</i>.—Occasion described as + "popular;" and, consequently, <i>Il Trovatore</i> announced. A + little old-fashioned, but what of that? VERDI just the composer + "to keep your memory green." Alas! cold once more to the front. + The <i>blasé</i> one "still off duty, so no reliable + report to hand." No doubt everything passed off pleasantly. + <i>Manrico</i> obviously, when on the stage, more of a man than + <i>Germont</i> Junior. The standing line has been, "large + audience much pleased with the entertainment." Altogether a + successful week.'</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MEM. FOR VISITORS TO LONDON.—Don't forget to look in + at the bird-pictures of STACEY MARKS, R.A. <i>Stay, see + Marks!</i> See Marks! They are land-marks in the history of + Modern Art.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.—NO. VI., "<i>Thrums on the + Auld String</i>," next week.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page221" + id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span> + + <h2>TO ENGELBERG AND BACK.</h2> + + <h4><i>Being a few Notes taken en route in search of a Perfect + Cure.</i></h4> + + <p>"Give him another month here, and he'll be giving you all + the slip, and walking back to Calais on foot." Young JERRYMAN + is commenting on the wonderful restoration that has taken place + in the condition of the Dilapidated One, who has just been + detected having a row on the lake, all by himself. Not that + this is a very prodigious aquatic feat, seeing that three or + four good strokes either way take you either into the bank, or + on to the heels or tails of a couple of very ill-tempered, and + irascible swans, who appear to think, and with some reason, + that there's not too much waterway as it is, and resent the + intrusion of the boat on their domain as a ridiculous + superfluity. However, the effort is one that the Dilapidated + One would not have ventured on at his arrival a month since, + and as our time is up, and we are starting on our return + journey home in about half-an-hour's time, we hail it as an + indication that if he has not quite obtained the Perfect Cure, + that his medical man promised him, as the result of a trip to + this delightful spot, he is certainly not far off it.</p> + + <p>But the best things must come to an end, and so we find + ourselves at length, with much regret, taking our farewell of + that excellent and capitally-conducted "Perfect Kurhaus" the + Hôtel Titlis. And this reminds me, that in justice to + that establishment, I ought to state that some comments I made + last week on German feeding in general, in no way were meant to + refer to the <i>table d'hôte</i> at the Hôtel + Titlis, which, served in a lofty and well-ventilated + <i>salon</i>, lighted by electricity, to four hundred people + daily, a capitally well-appointed meal, is one of the notable + features of the place. The smoke-stifled children of the + Fatherland, who shut every window they come across when they + get a chance, though they would dearly like to, cannot carry + their tricks on here. Sometimes, but not very often, they rally + in force, and render the "<i>Grosser Gesellschafts Saal</i>" a + sort of Tophet to the ordinary Briton; but the "<i>Speise + Saal</i>", where smoking is "<i>verboten</i>," is happily + beyond their reach. But the hour of departure has come, and + quitting his comfortable establishment with much regret, we bid + good-bye to the courteous Herr CATTANI, and with a crack of the + whip we are off, dashing down the valley, and leaving Engelberg + up on its heights as a pleasant dream behind us.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/221-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/221-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Putting Up for the Winter. + </div> + + <p>And what is Engelberg? There is, first and foremost, <i>par + excellence</i>, the feature of the place—the Hôtel + Titlis; then the Monastery, with the Brethren of the Bell-rope; + and <i>the</i> Street. This is unique. Set out with a + <i>Châlet</i> here, a Swiss <i>Pension</i> there, a + Chapel perched up on a little hill on one side, and a neatly + new-made farmhouse stuck up on the other, with cattle (not + omitting their dinner-bells) dotted about here and there in the + bright green meadows that creep up to, and melt into, the + pine-woods stretching from the base of the grand rugged + snow-capped heights that tower in every direction above, you + get thoroughly impressed with the idea that the whole place is + nothing but a box of toys, set out for the season (probably by + the Monks), who, you feel convinced, are only waiting for the + departure of the last visitor, to get out the box, and + carefully pack away <i>Châlet</i>, and <i>Pension</i>, + Chapel and peasant for the winter months, with a view to + keeping them fresh for production in the early summer of next + year.</p> + + <p>However, whatever its fate, Engelberg is left behind us, and + we find ourselves tearing down the Practical Joking Engineers' + Road at a break-neck pace, and hurrying on to Calais, once more + to take our places on our steady old friend, the + <i>Calais-Douvres</i>, that helps to deposit us finally at + Charing Cross, where we are bound to admit that the air, + whatever it is, is emphatically <i>not</i> the air of + Engelberg. But everybody who has seen him, says the Dilapidated + One has come back "twice the man he was". So we must take it + that our journey has not been in vain.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ADDITIONAL TITLE.—Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, after his + brilliant letters in the <i>D.T.</i>, worthy of <i>The Light of + the World</i>, will be remembered in Japan as a "first-rate + sort of Jap."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/221-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/221-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>WELLS, GARDNER, DARTON & Co. publish a very good + selection of tales for young people. Among the best are + <i>Tom's Opinion</i>, a boy whose ever readily-expressed + opinion is made to change pretty often; and <i>Halt</i>! by the + same author. The title is suggestive of military manoeuvres, + but it's only a term for obeying quickly, which is hard to do + sometimes. <i>Gregory of the Foretop</i>, <i>Abbot's + Cleeve</i>, and <i>Going for a Soldier</i>, are three books + containing several stories suitable to mere grown-up young + people,—so the sooner they grow up the better for the + sale of the books. They are all edited by J. ERSKINE CLARKE, + M.A.</p> + + <p>FREDERICK WARNE & CO. give us <i>Young England's Nursery + Tales</i>, illustrated by CONSTANCE HASLEWOOD. <i>Noah's + Ark</i>, by DARLBY DALE, which is not the Ark of the nursery, + but a story of the Norfolk Broads. Perhaps "Norfolk Broads" + would have suggested stories that could <i>not</i> be told in a + drawing-room. As to <i>Bits about Horses for Every Day</i>, + selected and illustrated by S. TURNER,—well, what would + horses be without "bits?" These are not tit-bits. Might do for + a Bridle gift.</p> + + <p><i>The Love of a Lady</i>, by Miss ANNIE THOMAS, otherwise + Mrs. PENDER CUDLIP, like most of this authoress's novels, is + full of interest. It is in the regulation three volumes, but + appears as if it had wished to be in two, and would have been + had not large type insisted upon the addition of a third tome. + The love of a lady is transferred, during the course of the + story, from an artist, who appears in the last chapter "in + threadbare clothes, with broken, patched boots on his feet" + (not on his Hands, <i>bien entendu</i>), to a "well-tailored" + novelist. As the lady to whom "the love" originally belonged + was "a popular illustrator," it was only natural that the + question of appearances should play an important part in + determining its ultimate destination.</p> + + <p>Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM is never so much in his element as + when he revels in gore and guilt. In <i>Locusta</i>, in one + bulky volume, he tells of "the crime" and "the chastisement." + The first is associated with "a house with curtained windows," + "an Italian swordsman," "entombed," and "a maimed lion," and + the second is developed in chapters headed, "The Hunter lets + fly a Poisoned Shaft," "The Silver Dish of Tarts," "The First + Victim Falls," "A Dreadful Accuser," and last, but not least, + "The Vengeance is Crowned." As the story begins in 1612, and + ends with the words, "HENRY, Prince of WALES, art thou not + avenged?" it will be seen, that Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM has + seized this opportunity to pleasantly illustrate an incident + from English history.</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Land of Fancy. + He expresses delight at two books called respectively, + <i>Dreams by French Firesides</i> and <i>English Fairy + Tales</i>. The first is supposed to have been written before + Paris in 1870-71 by a German soldier who had turned his + thoughts to his home and children in the far-off Fatherland. + The second deals with British folk-lore, and is racy of the + soil. Both works are full of capital illustrations. He has, + moreover, read <i>He Went for a Soldier</i>, the WYNTER Annual + of JOHN STRANGE of that ilk. But what had the soldier done, + that "he" should "go for him"? The answer to this conundrum + will be ascertained on reading the book. <i>Nutshell + Novels</i>, by J. ASHBY STERRY, is also a volume that repays + perusal. The Lazy Poet has turned his leisure to good + account—the stories he tells are excellent.</p> + + <p>Had the delightfully original <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>, + and <i>Through the Looking-Glass</i>, never been written, I + doubt much if we should ever have seen <i>Maggie in + Mythica</i>, by F.B. DOVETON, who announces it apologetically, + as "his first"—perhaps it maybe his "unique" fairy + story,—and he adds, that he has "kept out of the beaten + track as far as possible." "<i>As far as possible</i>" is good, + for never was there such an example of the "sincerest flattery" + than in this undeniable imitation of <i>Alice in + Wonderland</i>. Some of the illustrations, by J. HARRINGTON + WILSON, are not quite as weak as the text, while the best of + them only serve to heighten our appreciation of "Our" Mr. + TENNIEL's pictures in <i>Alice</i>, and its companion volume. + But the very title, <i>Maggie in Mythica</i>, recalls at once + <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>, but the lovers of <i>Alice</i>, who + being attracted by this title may purchase this book under the + impression that "it is the same concern," will soon find out + their mistake, though it may perhaps amuse a very much younger + generation who know not <i>Alice</i>, if such a generation + exist, which muchly we beg to doubt. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & + Co.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page222" + id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/222.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/222.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A MORNING CALL.</h3> + + <p><i>The Vicar</i>. "AND WHAT'S <i>YOUR</i> NAME, MY + DEAR?"</p> + + <p><i>Child of the Period</i>. "WELL—<i>YOU</i> OUGHT + TO KNOW! YOU <i>KWISTENED</i> ME!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Before Mr. Commissioner Punch.</i>)</h4> + + <h4><i>An Officer of Volunteers introduced.</i></h4> + + <p><i>The Commissioner</i>. Well, what can I do for you, + Captain?</p> + + <p><i>Officer of Volunteers</i>. Hush, Sir! If you were heard + to give me my military rank, you would be the cause of covering + me with ridicule!</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Ridicule! Are you <i>not</i> a Captain?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Certainly, Sir. I hold Her Majesty's Commission, + and am supposed to be one of the defenders of the country.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Then why should you not be credited with the + rank to which you are entitled?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Because, Sir, I am only a Captain of + Volunteers.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> But surely the British Army is composed + entirely of Volunteers?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> That is the national boast, Sir. But then, you + see, I receive no pay.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Which does not prevent you from working?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> On the contrary, Sir, nearly all my leisure is + devoted to the study of what I may, perhaps, be permitted to + call my supplementary profession.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> What are your duties?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Almost too numerous to enumerate. Before I + received my Commission, I had to undertake to make myself + proficient in everything appertaining to the rank to which I + was appointed. This entailed a month's hard work (five or six + hours a day in the barrack-square), at one of the Schools of + Instruction.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Well, let us suppose that you <i>have</i> + become duly qualified to command a company—what next?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Having reached this point, I find myself called + upon to work as hard as any Line officer on full pay. True, I + have not (except when the battalion is camping out, or taking + part in manoeuvres), to trouble myself with matters connected + with the Commissariat, but in every other respect my position + is exactly analogous to my brother officers in other branches + of the QUEEN's Service. I have to attend numerous drills, and + perform the duties, at stated intervals, of the Orderly Room. + Besides this, I have to see that every parade is well attended + by the men of my company. This entails, as you may imagine, + time and trouble.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> May I take it that it is less difficult to + command Volunteers than Regulars?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> That is a matter of opinion. If a Volunteer + officer can bring to bear his social position (for instance, + should his men be his tenants, or in his employment), he may + find the task of command an easy one. But should the battalion + to which he belongs be composed of that large class of persons + who consider "one man as good as another, and better," no + little tact is required in keeping up discipline. Besides this, + he starts at a disadvantage. Every retirement from the regiment + means the loss of an earner of the capitation grant; and as the + maintenance of a Volunteer corps is an exceedingly expensive + matter, a "free and independent private" feels that if he + withdraws, or is forced to withdraw, his officers are + practically the pecuniary sufferers of the proceeding.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Am I to understand then that the cost of a + battalion falls upon the commissioned rank?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Almost entirely. The officers have generally to + pay a heavy entrance fee, and subscription, and must, if they + wish to be popular, contribute largely to prize funds, + entertainments, and the cost of "marching out." Besides these + charges they have to be particularly hospitable or benevolent + (either word will do) to the companies to which they specially + belong.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Well, certainly, it seems that an Officer of + Volunteers has many responsibilities—what are his + privileges?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Only one is officially recognised—the + right to be snubbed!</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> And the result?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> That there is scarcely a corps in the kingdom + without vacancies. Men nowadays, fail to see the fun of all + work and no pay, play, or anything else. This very week a + meeting is being held at the Royal United Service Institution, + to consider what can be done to advance the interests of the + officers—another word for the interests of the whole + force.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> You have my sympathy, and if I can help + you—</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Not another word, Sir. The good services of + <i>Mr. Punch</i> for the last thirty years are appreciated by + all of us, and we know we can rely upon him as confidently in + the future as we have done with good reason in the past. + [<i>The Witness then retired.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page223" + id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/223.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/223.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"SAME OLD GAME!"</h3>OLD LADY OF THREADNEEDLE STREET. + "YOU'VE GOT YOURSELVES INTO A NICE MESS WITH YOUR PRECIOUS + '<i>SPECULATION</i>!' WELL—I'LL HELP YOU OUT OF + IT,—<i>FOR THIS ONCE!!</i>" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page225" + id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/225-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/225-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>FANCY SKETCH FOR NOVEMBER 5.</h3>MAGISTRATE LETTING OFF + A CRACKER WITH A LITTLE CAUTION. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Handbook to Honesty.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>NO. IV.—THE GRAND OLD (JOBBING) GARDENER.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>the Garden of a modest Suburban Villa. + Present</i>, Simple Citizen, <i>with budding horticultural + ambitions, and</i> Jobbing Gardener, <i>"highly + recommended" for skill and low charges. The latter is a + grizzled personage, very bowed as to back, and baggy as to + breeches, but in his manner combining oracular + "knowingness" and deferential plausibility in a remarkable + degree.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Simple Citizen</i>. You see SMUGGINS, things are a little + bit in the rough here, at present.</p> + + <p><i>Grand Old Gardener</i>. Ah, you may well say that, Sir! + Bin allowed to run to rack <i>and</i> ruin, this here pooty bit + o' garding has. Want a lot o' clearing, scurryfunging, and + topping and lopping, afore it'll look anythink like. But it's + got the making of a puffeck parrydise in it, a puffeck + parrydise it has—<i>with</i> my adwice.</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> Glad to hear you say so, SMUGGINS. Now what I + propose is—</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>laying a horny hand on</i> S.C.'s + <i>coat-sleeve</i>). If you'll ascuse me, Sir, I'll jest give + yer <i>my</i> ideas. It'll save time. (<i>Lays down artfully + the lines of a plan involving radical alteration of paths, and + lawns, and beds, shifting of shrubs, cutting down of trees, + rooting up of trailers, and what he calls "toppin' an' loppin'" + to a tremendous extent.</i>) <i>Then</i>, Sir, you'll 'ave a + bit o' garding as'll be the pride o' yer eye, and a tidy bit o' + profit into the bargain, or I don't know my bizness. An' I + <i>oughter</i> too, seeing as I wos 'ed gardener to the Dook of + FITZ-FUZZ for close on twenty year, afore the rheumaticks took + me like wot you see. Hu-a-a-h!!!</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> Yes; but, SMUGGINS, all these alterations will + run into time and—expense, I'm afraid.</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>confidentially).</i> You leave that to + <i>me</i>, Sir! The fust expense'll be the biggest, and a + saving in the long run, take <i>my</i> word. And then you + <i>will</i> 'ave a garding, <i>you</i> will, one as that 'ere + muddled up bit o' greenery nex door won't be a patch on it, for + all he's so proud of it.(<i>Gets</i> Simple Citizen <i>into his + clutches, and works him to his will</i>.)</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE II.—<i>The Same, six months later in the + Season.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> (<i>returning from a fortnight's absence</i>). + What, SMUGGINS, still at it? And—eh—by Jove, what + <i>have</i> you been up to? Why I hardly know the place + again!</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>complacently</i>). I should 'ope not, Sir + It <i>is</i> a bit different from when you last saw it, I + flatter myself. Fact it is a garding, now. <i>Then</i> it wos a + wildernidge!</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> Yes, but SMUGGINS, hang it all, you've cut + almost every bit of greenery away!</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Greenery!!! And who + wants <i>greenery</i>? Greenery ain't gardening, greenery ain't + not by chorks. Any fool, even that cove nex door, can grow + <i>greenery</i>!</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> Yes, but SMUGGINS, I <i>don't</i> like my limes + to look like gouty posts, my branchy elms to show as bare as + broom-sticks, and my fruit-trees to be trimmed into + timber-screens!</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>persuasively</i>). No, Sir, cert'ny + <i>not</i>. Fact is they'd bin let grow wild so long that + cutting on 'em freely back wos the only way to save 'em. Jest + wait till next year, Sir, and <i>you</i>'ll see.</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> (<i>doubtfully</i>). Humph! Looks beastly now, + anyhow. And you've altered all the paths, and nearly all the + beds. I didn't tell you—</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>emphatically</i>). No, Sir, you didn't. + You give me <i>cart blarnch</i>, you did, and I've done my + level best. The Dook 'ad the same idees at first, but when he + comes to know me, he says, says he, SMUGGINS, you're always + right, he says. If you wos to run a reaping-machine through my + horchids, or a traction-engine over my turf, I should know as + you wos a-doing of the right thing—<i>in</i> the long + run! Oh, you leave it to me, Sir, and you won't repent it. + And—ahem—here's my little haccount, + Sir,—<i>hup</i> to date.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Presents dirty piece of blue paper, giving scanty + details, and a spanking total</i>. Simple Citizen <i>pays, + and tries to look pleasant.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/225-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/225-2.png" + alt="Grand Old Gardener and Simple Citizen." /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE III.—<i>The Same, six months later. + Present,</i> Simple Citizen, <i>and a</i> Sympathetic + Friend.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Sympathetic Friend</i>. Well, well, it <i>does</i> look a + waste, APPLEYARD.</p> + + <p><i>Simple Citizen</i> (<i>purple</i>). A waste! I should + think it <i>did</i>. indeed! And to think of the pretty, green, + bowery place it was when I took it! Unprofitable, perhaps, but + pleasant. Now it is neither pleasant <i>nor</i> profitable.</p> + + <p><i>S.F.</i> And all through that rascally ravaging + SMUGGINS?</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> (<i>furiously</i>). The scoundrel!—the + sleek, insinuating, slaughtering scoundrel! He tore up my + paths, he altered my beds, he mutilated my lawns, he stripped + my trailers, he hacked my trees into bare hideousness, all to + make work and money for himself and his partner in iniquity, + that nefarious "florist" friend of his. I was a greenhorn, + MUMPSON, a juggins, and I let them fool me to the top of my + bent. He cut up the shrubbery into those horrible flat beds, in + order that I might "grow my hown wegerbles," as he phrased it. + He got money from me for the best and most expensive "ashleaf + kidneys" and "Prooshian Blues," then planted cheap refuse from + a small greengrocer's. My "ashleaf kidneys" turned out waxy + marbles; my Prooshian Blues refused to pod; I spent—or + rather he received—pounds upon my vinery and cucumber + frames. My grape-bunches went mouldy, and I never got a + cucumber more than six inches long. His "friend, the florist," + did, no doubt. He stole my shrubs overnight, and sold 'em back + to me next morning. He bled my maidservants for "beer and + 'baccy." In fact, it was the same all round; he had, in every + way, ruined my garden, run me up exorbitant bills, and then, + when the day of detection was imminent—disappeared. If + ever I catch sight of that mulberry nose of his, I shall be + tempted to—</p> + + <p><i>S.F.</i> (<i>soothingly</i>). Ah, yes, just so. But let's + hope that you'll never come across this particular Grand Old + Gardener—or his like—again. (<i>Waggishly.</i>) By + Jove, APPLEYARD, no wonder the world went wrong, seeing that + "the first man" was—a Gardener!!!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LEARNED BY ART.—"Beasts in Bond Street!" "Sheep in the + Salon!" Messrs. DOWDESWELLS have taken the wind out of the + sails of the Agricultural Hall, and Mr. DENOVAN ADAM has given + us the opportunity of seeing a superb collection of Scottish + Highland Cattle. Mountain, meadow, moss and moor have all been + laid under contribution. The result is we can have the chance + of studying these hornymental animals without being tossed, and + staring at them without being gored. In the same gallery may be + seen a series of pastels of Hampstead Heath, by Mr. HENRY + MUHRMAN—a merman ought to be a sea-painter by rights, but + no matter! The poet has told us that, "'Amsted am the place to + ruralise on a summer's day!" The artist convinces us it is the + place to "pastelise," and he seems to have pastelised to the + tune of forty pictures very successfully.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page226" + id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/226.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/226.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW OF THE FUTURE.</h3>In consequence + of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS becoming Sheriff, it is expected + that additional lustre will be given to a future Mayoralty + by the leading Members of "THE Profession" taking to Civic + Life. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page227" + id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/227-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/227-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>'ARRY IN ST. PETERSBURGH.</h3>HE TRIES TO MAKE A + DROSKI-DRIVER UNDERSTAND THAT HE COULD HAVE GONE THE SAME + DISTANCE IN A HANSOM FOR LESS MONEY. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h2> + + <h4><i>Par ci—par la!</i></h4> + + <p>"A good par here, and a bad par there; here a par, and there + a par, and everywhere a par!" Indeed, as an Irishman would say, + it is the Judgment of Pars. Let us look in at the Institute, + and see the Painters in Ile, and no doubt we shall be iley + delighted. We go on the pre-private view day. Not that we are + parsimonious, but we prefer to see the pictures without being + scrouged.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <h4>"PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF + NOVEMBER."</h4><a href="images/227-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/227-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Hoisted with his own Petar—Guy + Fawkes blown up. + </div> + + <p>"<i>The Release</i>" is a puzzler. We have taken stock of + Mr. STOCK's picture, and fail to understand it. Is it LULU or + ZAZEL? There seems to have been an explosion, and one person, + lightly attired, is blown up; and another, more warmly clad, is + blown down. They will both probably catch cold. Nothing hazy + about Mr. HAYES's pictures. On the contrary, fresh and + brilliant—notably, "<i>A Grey Sunset.</i>" If you are + subject to <i>mal-de-mer</i>, his seas will make you onaisy. + The President, Sir JAMES LINTON, has only two small pictures, + both cleverly painted, but each may be described as a little + LINTON; so let us give him a little hint on the subject; like + OLIVER TWIST, we ask for more. "<i>Too Many Cooks</i>," by + BURTON BARBER—a Barber who knows how to dress hair. See + the dogs' coats. Miss ETHEL WRIGHT is not very far wrong in her + picture of a fair <i>canoiste</i>, and Mr. W.L. WYLLIE is both + artful and wily in his rendering of a "<i>A Sou' Wester</i>." + "<i>An Old Harbour in Sussex</i>" gives distinct evidence that + LEWIS (C.J.) has been moved to the coast, and it seems to be a + move in the right direction. In "<i>The Red Canoe</i>," Mr. + ALFRED PARSONS delivers an eloquent sermon on the joys of life + on the Thames.</p> + + <p>The Royal Society of British Artists have fewer pictures + than usual at their new show. Quality better than common. Mr. + F. BRANGWYN's "<i>Funeral at Sea</i>" is excellent. Mr. R. + MACHELL's "<i>Lakshmi</i>," not easy to understand. It might be + "Lakshmi, or the Lost Bathing-dress." She might certainly say, + "I lacks my <i>costume de bain</i>." "<i>Durham</i>"—good + landscape by Mr. YGLESIAS. Mr. NELSON DAWSON in his "<i>Sunset + Breeze</i>," gives us real sea and good seamanship. In + "<i>Trying it Over</i>," Mr. LOMAX has tried it over to some + purpose, and has produced a successful little picture of an + enthusiastic flautist. Mr. G.F. WATTS sends "<i>Lord + Tennyson</i>." But why in ermine? The Laureate is quite good + enough for us without his Peer's robes. What did HARRY THE + EIGHTH say concerning HOLBEIN? Anything more to see? Of course + there is. But what is my text? "Pars about Pictures." And so I + pass about. <i>I</i> mustn't linger, but remain</p> + + <p>Yours par-ticularly,</p> + + <p>OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>GOLF VICTOR!</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sir Golf and Sir Tennis are fighting like + mad—</p> + + <p class="i2">Now Sir Tennis is blown, and Sir Golf's + right above him,</p> + + <p>And his face has a look that is weary and sad,</p> + + <p class="i2">As he hastily turns to the ladies, who + love him,</p> + + <p>But the racket falls from him, he totters, and + swirls,</p> + + <p>As he hears them cry, "Golf is the game for the + girls!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The girls crave for freedom, they cannot endure</p> + + <p class="i2">To be cramped up at Tennis in courts that + are poky,</p> + + <p>And they're all of them certainly, perfectly + sure</p> + + <p class="i2">That they'll never again touch "that + horrible Croquet,"</p> + + <p>Where it's quite on the cards that they play with + Papa,</p> + + <p>And where all that goes on is surveyed by Mamma.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To Golf on the downs for the whole of the day</p> + + <p class="i2">Is "so awfully jolly," they keep on + asserting,</p> + + <p>With a good-looking fellow to teach you the way,</p> + + <p class="i2">And to fill up the time with some + innocent flirting,</p> + + <p>And it may be the maiden is wooed and is won,</p> + + <p>Ere the whole of the round is completed and + done.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Henceforward, then, Golf is the game for the + fair—</p> + + <p class="i2">At home, and abroad, or in pastures + Colonial,</p> + + <p>And the shouts of the ladies will quite fill the + air</p> + + <p class="i2">For the Links that will turn into bonds + Matrimonial,</p> + + <p>And for husbands our daughters in future will + seek</p> + + <p>With the powerful aid of the putter and cleek!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CORRESPONDENCE SPECIAL.—KNOODEL, of Knoodel Court, + writes to us:—"Sir,—I have recently come across the + name 'bacteriologist.' Is it a new name for a person who writes + ill of another behind his back? If so, the best remedy for the + mischief he causes is a criminal action." [Our advice to + KNOODEL is, "Consult a Solicitor."—ED.]</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"CARMEN UP TO DATE AT THE GAIETY."—"Approbation of + Miss ALMA STANLEY is praise indeed." The correct quotation + adapted <i>à la fin du Siècle</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page228" + id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span> + + <h2>IN OUR GARDEN.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/228.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/228.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday Morning</i>.—Still in Edinburgh, but going + home to-night. Just received telegram from Member for SARK. + "Come home at once," he says; "the <i>Peronospora + Schleideniana</i> has got at the onions."</p> + + <p>Rather a shock to have news like this flashed upon one with + that absence of deliberation that sometimes marks the telegraph + service. But I cannot say I am surprised. I had, indeed, before + leaving, called SARK's attention to what I recognised as the + greyish mycelial threads of the fungus spreading upon the pipes + and budding seed-heads. If SARK had steeped the seed in + sulphate of copper before planting it, this wouldn't have + happened. It's a pity, for I rather thought we would make + something towards expenses out of that onion-bed. There's no + more profitable crop than your pickling onions if well farmed. + I know a man who made £150 an acre out of his onions. But + then he wasn't hampered in his arrangements with a fellow like + SARK.</p> + + <p>Called on Mr. G. to say good-bye. He was sympathetic about + the onion blight, but I could see that his mind was occupied + with other and perhaps equally saddening thoughts.</p> + + <p>"I suppose you have been made aware of the intelligence that + has reached me through the usual sources?" he said. "I have had + a pretty good time here. I have belaboured the Government from + all points of attack. I think I managed pretty well with the + Disestablishment Question. You don't think, TOBY," he said, + with a passing look of deeper apprehension, "that I gave myself + away at all on the matter? The worst of these fellows is that + they keep a record of every word I say, a custom which + seriously hampers one in his movements. What I should like, if + it were permitted, would be to come quite fresh to a question + year after year, and say upon it exactly what happened to be + convenient, without having before my eyes the certainty that + somebody would dig out what I said on the same subject last + year, or five years ago."</p> + + <p>I assured him that I thought not much could be made out of + his remarks on Disestablishment Question. In fact it would be + difficult to prove that he had said anything at all. Brightened + up at this; but cloud again deepened over his mobile face.</p> + + <p>"Yes, perhaps I've done pretty well," he said, with a sigh. + "I have steered through a very difficult position without + running ashore; I have had an immense popular reception; I have + stirred up the constituency, and have, if I may say so, + supplied with fresh oil the sacred lamp of Liberalism. Now, + just when I was beginning in some modest measure to felicitate + myself, there comes news of a crushing master-stroke devised by + the Government. Though I do not disguise my discomfiture, I + would not withhold my tribute of admiration at the brilliancy + of the stroke, of the genius of its conception, and of the + completeness with which it has been dealt. I have been here + more than a week, and have delivered four speeches. The + Government and their friends on the platform and in the press + affect to sneer at my efforts and their influence. Still, they + feel it is necessary to make a counter-demonstration, and to + effectually undo whatever work I may have accomplished. What + course do they adopt? Why, they send down ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. He + was at Dalkeith last night, and, in a single speech, destroyed + the effect of my great effort of Saturday. He will go to West + Calder; he will come here; he will follow me step by step with + relentless energy, tearing up, so to speak, the rails I have + laid, and which I had hoped would have safely conducted the + Liberal train into the Westminster station. <i>Sic vos non + vobis</i>. It is cruel, it is crushing. If I had only foreseen + it, I would have remained at Hawarden, and you might have + averted the calamity that overshadows your Garden."</p> + + <p>Quite distressed to see my venerated friend broken down. Bad + for him to stop at home and brood over calamity. Best thing + would be change of scene and thought. He had made engagement + to-day to go to Pumpherston and inspect oil and candle works. + Better keep it.</p> + + <p>"No," said Mr. G., wearily, "oil comforts me not, nor + candles either. Now, if it were pork, it would be different. + Few things so interesting as pork. Not from a dietetic point of + view, but regarded historically. As I mentioned to a + Correspondent the other day, in the course of Homeric work I + have examined into the use of pork by the ancients. A very + curious subject. I shall make some references to it in the + closing paper which I am writing for <i>Good Words</i> on the + Old Testament. I am under the impression that the dangers which + lurk beneath the integument of a leg (or sirloin) of pork, are + specially connected with the heat of Southern climates."</p> + + <p>Curious to see how rapidly his aspect changed as these + thoughts pressed upon his mind. When I came in, he had been + sitting in an arm-chair, with his head resting on his hand, and + his brow painfully wrinkled. He looked quite old—at least + seventy. Now he was up, walking about the room with springy + stride, his mind actively engaged in framing theories on the + use of pork by HOMER's contemporaries. If I could only keep him + engaged, he would forget the blow that had descended upon him, + and would regain his usual equanimity. A question as to whether + he thought Achilles liked sage with his pork, cunningly led him + on to a long disquisition, till, in a quarter of an hour, he + was quite a changed man, and set out with great energy for + Pumpherston.</p> + + <p>Fine enthusiasm along the route. Immense reception from the + working men. Splendid luncheon set out at one end of the shed + where we were assembled; bill of fare included crude oil, + sulphate of ammonia, various mineral oils, and candles made + from paraffin. There was no wine, but plenty of ammonia-water. + Manager presented Mrs. G. with bust in paraffin wax, which he + said was Mr. G. Also handed her a packet of dips cunningly + carved in the likeness of HERBERT, the wick combed out so as to + represent a shock of hair. Mr. G. delighted; standing on a + barrel of paraffin, he addressed the company in a luminous + speech, tracing back the candle to the earliest times. That + candles existed in the Mosaic era, he reminded them, was shown + by the question which had puzzled succeeding ages—as to + the precise locality in which the great Law-giver stood when + the medium of illumination provided for his convenience was + suddenly extinguished. This was a great hit; enthusiasm knew no + bounds. Hospitality of the Pumpherston people really + embarrassing; they filled our pockets with candles of all sizes + and descriptions, and insisted upon each of us taking away a + quart bottle of paraffin oil imperfectly corked.</p> + + <p>Never shall I forget the radiant look of Mr. G. as he left + the works loaded with candles and congratulations, whilst Mrs. + G., walking by his side, carefully carried the bust in paraffin + wax. He had evidently forgotten all about ASHMEAD-BARTLETT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>DEATH-BALL; OR, A NEW NAME FOR IT.</h2> + + <p>Yesterday the celebrated Midland Spine-splitters met the + Ribcracking Rovers at the prepared Ambulance Grounds recently + opened in conjunction with the local County Hospital. A large + staff of medical men, supplied with all the necessary surgical + appliances, were in attendance. Play commenced effectively, the + Rovers keeping the ball well before them, with only a few + broken arms, a dislocated thigh, and a fractured jaw or two. + Later, however, affairs moved more briskly, one of the + Spine-splitter forwards getting the ball well down to goal; + but, being met with "opposition," he was carried senseless from + the field. A lively scrimmage followed, amid a general cracking + of ribs and snapping of spines. The field now being covered + with wounded, the Police interfered, and the play terminated in + a draw.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PIECE WITH HONOUR AT THE AVENUE.—The successful and + pretty little play just produced at Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER's + theatre may be described as more "<i>Shadow</i>" than + "<i>Sunlight</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A SAFE COURSE.—A German physician, Dr. KOCH, hopes to + benefit humanity by his new cure for Consumption. At present he + is reticent on the subject, and he won't speak till he is KOCH + sure.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12469 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12469-h/images/217.png b/12469-h/images/217.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b489c37 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/217.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/218.png b/12469-h/images/218.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..feed035 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/218.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/219.png b/12469-h/images/219.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..369ce3c --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/219.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/220-1.png b/12469-h/images/220-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f209a9b --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/220-1.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/220-2.png b/12469-h/images/220-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5bda3a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/220-2.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/221-1.png b/12469-h/images/221-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..384420a --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/221-1.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/221-2.png b/12469-h/images/221-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6b2af8 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/221-2.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/222.png b/12469-h/images/222.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b2e75d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/222.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/223.png b/12469-h/images/223.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..86c695b --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/223.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/225-1.png b/12469-h/images/225-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..45e0c49 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/225-1.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/225-2.png b/12469-h/images/225-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..435d8a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/225-2.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/226.png b/12469-h/images/226.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..56dd46d --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/226.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/227-1.png b/12469-h/images/227-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..231f55c --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/227-1.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/227-2.png b/12469-h/images/227-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed2011c --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/227-2.png diff --git a/12469-h/images/228.png b/12469-h/images/228.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1258d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/12469-h/images/228.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4015bfb --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12469 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12469) diff --git a/old/12469-8.txt b/old/12469-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b4ba115 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12469-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1784 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +November 8, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., November 8, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12469] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +November 8, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. V.--MIGNON'S MESS-ROOM. + +(_BY_ TOM RUM SUMMER, _AUTHOR OF "MIGNON'S MA," "MIGNON'S HUB," +"FOOTLE'S FATHER," "TOOTLE'S TOOTSIE," "UGLY TOM," "YOUR RICH +RICHARD," "A BABY IN BARRACKS," "STUCK," "HOOP-LORE," "WENT FOR THAT +PLEECEMAN," &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C._) + + ["This," writes the eminent Author, "is a _real, true_ story + of the life of soldiers and children. Soldiers are _grand, + noble_ fellows. They are so _manly_, and all smoke a great + deal of tobacco. My drawl is the only genuine one. I could do + a lot more of the same sort, but I charge extra for pathos. + I'm a man.--T.R.S."] + +CHAPTER I. + + "Three blind mice-- + See how they run." + --_Old Song_, + +The Officers of the Purple Dragoons were gathered together in their +ante-room. It was a way they had. They were all there. Grand fellows, +too, most of them--tall, broad-shouldered, and silky-haired, and as +good as gold. That gets tiresome after a time, but everything can be +set right with one downright rascally villain--a villain, mind you, +that poor, weak women, know nothing about. GAVOR was that kind of man. +Of course that was why he was to break his neck, and get smashed up +generally. But I am anticipating, and a man should never anticipate. +EMILY, for instance, never did. EMILY--Captain EMILY, of the Purple +Dragoons--was the biggest fool in the Service. Everybody told him so; +and EMILY, who had a trustful, loving nature, always believed what he +was told. + +[Illustration] + +"I nev-ah twry," he used to say--it was a difficult word to pronounce, +but EMILY always stuck to it as only a soldier can. and got it out +somehow--"I nev-ah twry to wremember things the wwrong way wround." + +A roar of laughter greeted this sally. They all knew he meant +"anticipate," but they all loved their EMILY far too well to set him +right. + +"'Pon my soul," he continued, "it's quite twrue. You fellows may +wroawr wiv laughtewr if you like, but it's twrue, and you know it's +twrne." + +There was another explosion of what EMILY would have called +"mewrwriment," at this, for it was well-known to be one of the +gallant dragoon's most humorous efforts. A somewhat protracted silence +followed. FOOTLES, however, took it in both hands, and broke it with +no greater emotion than he would have shown if he had been called +upon to charge a whole squadron of Leicestershire Bullfinches, or +to command a Lord Mayor's escort on the 9th of November. Dear old +FOOTLES! He wasn't clever, no Purple Dragoon could be, but he wasn't +the biggest fool in the Service, like EMILY, and all the rest of them. +Still he loved another's. + +In fact, whenever a Purple Dragoon fell in love, the object of his +affections immediately pretended to love someone else. Hard lines, but +soldiers were born to suffer. It is so easy, so true, so usual to say, +"there's another day to-morrow," but that never helped even a Purple +Dragoon to worry through to-day any the quicker. Poor, brave, noble, +drawling, manly, pipe-smoking fellows! On this particular occasion +FOOTLES uttered only one word. It was short, and began with the +fourth letter of the alphabet. But he may be pardoned, for some of the +glowing embers from his magnificent briar-wood pipe had dropped on to +his regulation overalls. The result was painful--to FOOTLES. All the +others laughed as well as they could, with clays, meerschaums, briars, +and asbestos pipes in their mouths. And through the thick cloud of +scented smoke the mess-waiter came into the room, bearing in his hand +a large registered letter, and coughing violently. + +CHAPTER II. + + "The mouse ran up the clock." + --_Nursery Rhyme_. + +The waiter advanced slowly to FOOTLES, and handed him the letter. +FOOTLES took it meditatively, and turned it over in both hands. The +post-marks were illegible, and the envelope much crumpled. "Never +mind," thought FOOTLES, to himself, "it will dry straight--it will +dry straight." He always thought this twice, because it was one of his +favourite phrases. At last he decided to open it. As he broke the seal +a little cry was heard, and suddenly, before even EMILY had had time +to say "I nev-ah!" a charming and beautifully dressed girl, of about +fifteen summers, sprang lightly from the packet on to the mess-room +floor, and kissed her pretty little hand to the astonished Dragoons. + +"You're FOOTLES," she said, skipping up to the thunder-stricken owner +of the name. "I know you very well. I'm going to be your daughter, +and you're going to marry my mother. Oh, it's all right," she +continued, as she observed FOOTLES press his right hand convulsively +to the precise spot on his gorgeous mess-waistcoat under which he +imagined his heart to be situated, "it's all right. Pa's going to +be comfortably killed, and put out of the way, and then you'll +marry darling Mamma. She'll be a thousand times more beautiful at +thirty-three than she was at twenty-two, and _ever_ so much more +lovely at fifty-five than at thirty-three. So it's a good bargain, +isn't it, EM?" This to EMILY, who appeared confused. She trotted up +to him, and laid her soft blooming cheek against his blooming hard +one. "Never mind, EM," she lisped, "everything is bound to come out +right. I've settled it all"--this with a triumphant look on her +baby-face--"with the author; such a splendid writer, none of your +twaddling women-scribblers, but a real man, and a great friend of +mine. I'm to marry you, EM. You don't know it, because you once loved +NAOMI, who 'mawrwried the Wrevewrend SOLOMON'"--at this point most +of the Purple Dragoons were rude enough to yawn openly. She paid no +attention to them--"and now you love OLIVE, but she loves PARKACK, +and he doesn't love her, so she has got to marry PARKOSS, whom she +doesn't love. Their initials are the same, and everybody knows their +caligraphy is exactly alike," she went on wearily, "so that's how the +mistake arose. It's a bit far-fetched, but," and her arch smile as she +said this would have melted a harder heart than Captain EMILY's, "we +mustn't be too particular in a soldier's tale, you know." + +As she concluded her remarks the door opened, and Colonel PURSER +entered the room. + +CHAPTER III. + + "Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man." + --_Old Ballad_. + +Colonel PURSER was a stout, plethoric man. He was five feet seven +inches high, forty-five inches round the chest, fifty inches round +the waist, and every inch of him was a soldier. He was, therefore, a +host in himself. He gasped, and turned red, but, like a real soldier, +at once grasped the situation. The Colonel was powerful, and the +situation, in spite of all my pains, was not a strong one. The +struggle was short. + +"Pardon me," said the Colonel, when he had recovered his wind, "is +your name MIGNON?" + +"Yes," she replied, as the tears brimmed over in her lovely eyes, +"it is. I am a simple soldier's child, but, oh, I can run so +beautifully--through ever so many volumes, and lots of editions. In +fact," she added, confidentially, "I don't see why I should stop at +all, do you? EMILY _must_ marry me. He can't marry OLIVE, because +Dame Nature put in _her_ eyes with a dirty finger. Ugh! I've got +blue eyes." + +"But," retorted the Colonel, quickly, "shall you never quarrel?" + +"Oh yes," answered MIGNON, "there will come a rift in the hitherto +perfect lute of our friendship (the rift's name will be DARKEY), but +we shall manage to bridge it over--at least TOM RUM SUMMER says so." +Here EMILY broke in. He could stand it no longer. "Dash it, you know, +this is wewry extwraowrdinawry, wewry extwraowrdinawry indeed," he +observed; "You'wre a most wremawrkable young woman, you know." + +A shout of laughter followed this remark, and in the fog of +tobacco-smoke Colonel PURSER could be dimly seen draining a magnum +of champagne. + +CHAPTER IV. + + "Hey diddle, diddle." + --_Songs and Romances_. + +Everything fell out exactly as MIGNON prophesied. But if you think +that you've come to the end of MIGNON, I can only say you're very much +astray, or as EMILY, with his smooth silky voice, and his smoother +silkier manners, would have said, "You'wre wewry much astwray." See my +next dozen stories. + + THE END. (_Pro tem._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD STUMPER. + +"WHAT IS FASHION? 'AFTER A FASHION HAS BEEN DISCARDED--IF YOU HAVE +ONLY PATIENCE TO WAIT LONG ENOUGH--YOU WILL FIND YOU WILL GET BACK TO +IT.' LOOK AT MY COLLARS!--AND UMBRELLA!!" [_See Mr. Gladstone's Speech +during the recent Midlothian Campaign._)] + +AIR--"_WAIT A LITTLE LONGER._" + + There's a good time coming, friends, + That flood is flowing stronger; + The reigning mode in failure ends, + Wait a little longer! + Fashion _is_ ever on the wing, + Arch-enemy of Beauty. + Now, when we get a first-rate thing, + To stick to it's our duty. + But no, the whirling wheel must whirl, + The zig-zag go zig-zagging; + The wig to-day must crisply curl, + That yesterday was bagging. + But good things _do_ come "bock agen." + For banishment but stronger + (With bonnets or with Grand Old Men), + Wait a little longer! + + From Eighty unto Eighty-Five + These collars were the rage, friends; + Didn't we keep the game alive, + In spite of creeping age, friends? + But oh, that horrid Eighty-Six! + They deemed me fairly settled, + As though just ferried o'er the Styx, + But I was tougher mettled. + I knew the fashion would return + For just this size of collar. + (And that's a lesson they'll soon learn, + You bet your bottom dollar.) + Bless you, I'm "popping up again," + For four years' fighting stronger. + Once more I'm here to fire the train-- + Wait a little longer! + + I've told you all about BALFOUR, + And his black Irish scandals; + (With side-lights upon days of yore, + My bachelor life, and candles.) + I've touched on Disestablishment + (I trust you'll not say _thinly_), + On Eight Hours Bills a speech I've spent, + And scarified M'KINLEY. + And now, to wind up, I'll explain + My favourite views on Fashion: + _Big Collars will come back again!!!_ + 'Twill raise the Tories' passion. + But, with these Collars, this Umbrella, + I'd face them, though thrice stronger! + Friends--trust once more your Grand Old Fella, + And--wait a _leetle_ longer! + + * * * * * + +A BOOTHIFUL IDEA! + +Just finished my article on "Antediluvian Archæology in its relation +to Genesis and the Iliad," and now all that remains to do is to +carry the rest of my books down to the new library, make catalogue, +consider subjects for five more speeches, write thirty-six letters and +postcards, and polish off the ten last clauses of the Home-Rule Bill. +This idleness is oppressive. Not used to it. What shall I do? + +Piles of correspondence by morning post! What _can_ this be about? +Ah! I remember now! _Nineteenth Century_ just out, of course. Glad +I thought of starting "Society of Universal Beneficence." Will keep +me going after excitement of Midlothian. Wonder how many people +will "bind themselves to give away a fixed proportion of their +income,"--also what the proportion will be, if they do. Don't know if +I _should_ have thought of it, if it hadn't been for General BOOTH's +book. Remarkable person, the General. Perhaps he'd order his Army to +vote solid for Home Rule, if I offered him a place in my next Cabinet? +Must sound him on the subject. Salvationists quite a power now. Can't +cut Field-Marshal VON BOOTH _up_ in a Magazine, so must cut him _out_ +instead! + +Ha! Letter from LABOUCHERE, of all people. H--m! Says he's "glad to +see I've started Universal Beneficence Society. Thought of doing so +himself once." Congratulates me on turning my attention to "Social +Reform." Says he thinks it's an "Ecclesent idea,"--he must mean +"Excellent," surely! + +"Inquirer"--(post-mark, Hatfield. Curious circumstance, +rather)--writes to ask for details of the Society. "Prefers at present +to remain anonymous," but an answer sent to "S., Hatfield House," will +always find him! Meanwhile, encloses postal order for one pound ten +shillings a "fixed proportion of his income," as he sees that I've +"offered to make myself the careful recipient of any assents," by +which he supposes that I mean cash. A little embarrassing! + +Take stroll in Park to collect my thoughts. Find two leading Belfast +linen-merchants busily gathering up sawdust, &c, round tree I +felled yesterday. They explain that they've been "much interested +in my novel idea of converting chips of wood into best cambric +pocket-handkerchiefs," and think that it beats General BOOTH's notion +of making children's toys out of old sardine-tins hollow. I should +rather think it did! Still, have to confess that I'm _not_ ready +at present to "quote them my wholesale price for best oak-shavings +delivered free on rail." + +Telegram from--CHAMBERLAIN! Says he sees the new Society's one +of "universal" beneficence, and supposes it includes him! Quite a +mistake! Sends cheque for three pounds, and hopes I'll "keep a strict +account of all sums received, and issue a report and balance-sheet +shortly." Really, very injudicious of me to use word "universal"! +Ought to have expressly excluded Liberal-Unionists (so-called), from +my plan. That's where General BOOTH has advantage of me. _He_ probably +doesn't exclude anybody that wants to send him money. Perhaps, after +all, he knows how to do this sort of thing better than I do. + +Wire to him, and hand him over the money I've already received, also +ask him to start a "universally beneficent" branch of Salvation Army. +Receive reply, accepting my offer, in no time! General adds that he +has a staff appointment in his Army waiting for me, and that he would +like my good lady to become a Salvation Lass. Requires consideration +and--hem--consultation! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASY FOR THE JUDGES. + +_Geoffrey_ (_to rejected Candidate for honours at the Dog Show_). +"NEVER MIND, SMUT! WE'LL HAVE A DOG SHOW THAT SHALL BE ALL CATS EXCEPT +YOU, AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE IT ALL YOUR OWN WAY!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE PASTEL EXHIBITION. + +IN THE ANTE-ROOM. + +_A Niece_. Just one moment, Auntie, dear; _do_ look and see what No. +295 is! + +_Her Aunt_ (_with a Catalogue--and a conscience_). Two hundred and +ninety-five! Before we have even seen No. 1? No, my dear, no. Let us +take things in their proper order--or not at all. (_Perambulates the +galleries for some minutes, refraining religiously from looking at +anything but the numbers._) Ah, _here_ it is--Number One! _Now_, +ETHEL, I'm ready to tell you anything you please! + +_First Matter-of-Fact Person_. Ah, here's another of the funny ones! +[_Is suddenly seized with depression._ + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ Y-yes. (_Examines it gloomily._) What's it all +about? + +_First M.-of-F.P._ (_blankly_). Oh, well, it's a Pastel--I don't +suppose it's meant to be about anything in particular, you know. + +_The Conscientious Aunt_ (_before No. 129_). "_The Sprigged Frock_"? +Yes, that must be the one. I suppose those _are_ meant for sprigs--but +I can't make out the pattern. She _might_ have made her hair a little +tidier--such a bush! and I never _do_ think blue and green go well +together, myself. + + [_They come to a portrait of a charming lady in grey, by_ Mr. + SOLOMON. + +_The Niece_ (_with a sense of being on firm ground at last_). Why, +it's ELLEN TERRY! See if it isn't, Auntie. + +_The C.A._ (_referring to Catalogue_). + + "The leaves of Memory seemed to + Make a mournful rustling." + +--that's all it _says_ about it. + +_The Niece_ (_finding a certain vagueness in this as a description_). +Oh! But there are _no_ leaves--unless it means the leaves in the book +she's reading. Still I think it _must_ be ELLEN TERRY; don't you? + +_The C.A._ (_cautiously_.) Well, my dear, I always think it's as +well not to be too positive about a portrait till you know who it +was painted from. + + [_The_ Matter-of-Fact Persons _have arrived at a Pastel + representing several green and yellow ladies seated undraped + around a fountain, with fiddles suspended to the branches + above._ + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ "_Marigolds_," that's called. I don't _see_ any +though. [_With a sense of being imposed upon._ + +_First M.-of-F.P._ I think _I_ do--yes, those orange spots in the +green. They're meant for Marigolds, but there aren't very many of +them, are there? And why should they all be sitting on the grass +like that? Enough to give them their deaths of cold! + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ I expect they've been bathing. + +_First M.-of-F.P._ They couldn't _all_ bathe in that fountain, and +then what do you make of their bringing out their violins? + + [_The other_ M.-of-F. Person _making nothing of it, they pass + on._ + +_An Irritable Philistine_. Nonsense, Sir, you _can't_ admire them, +don't tell _me_! Do you mean to say _you_ ever saw all those blues, +and greens, and yellows, in Nature, Sir? + +_His Companion_. I mean to say that that is how Nature appears to +an eye trained to see things in a true and not a merely conventional +light. + +_The I.P._. Then all _I_ can say is, that if things ever appeared to +_me_ as unconventionally as all that, I should go straight home and +take a couple of liver pills, Sir. I should! + +_First Frivolous Old Lady_. Here's another of them, my dear. It's no +use, we've _got_ to admire it, this is the kind of thing you and I +must be educated up to in our old age! + +_Second F.O.L._ It makes me feel as if I was on board a yacht, that's +all I know--just look at the perspective in that room, all slanted up! + +_First F.O.L._ That's your ignorance, my dear, it's quite the right +perspective for a Pastel, it's our rooms that are all wrong--not these +clever young gentlemen. + + [_They go about chuckling and poking old ladylike fun at all + the more eccentric Pastels, and continue to enjoy themselves + immensely._ + +_First M.-of-F.P. (they have come to a Pastel depicting a young woman +seated on the Crescent Moon, nursing an infant_). H'm--very peculiar. +_I_ never saw Diana represented with a _baby_ before--did _you_? + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ No--(_hopefully_)--but perhaps it's intended for +somebody else. But it's _not_ the place _I_ should choose to nurse an +infant in. It doesn't look safe, and it can't be very comfortable. + + [_They go on into a smaller room, and come upon a sketch of a + small child, with an immense red mouth, and no visible nose, + eyes, or legs._ + +_First M.-of-F.P._ "_Little Girl in Black_"--what a very plain child, +to be sure! + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ What there _is_ of it; but it looks to me as if +the artist had spent so much time over the black that he forgot to put +in the little girl--he's got her _mouth_, though. + +_First M.-of-F.P._. Well, if it was _my_ child, I should insist upon +having the poor little thing more finished than that--even if I had to +pay extra for it. + + [_A_ Superior Person _has entered the West Gallery, + accompanied by a_ Responsive Lady, _who has already grasped + the fact that a taste for Pastels is the sure sign of a + superior nature._ + +_The R.L._. Isn't that portrait quite wonderful! Wouldn't you take it +for an oil-painting? + +_The S.P._. One might--without some experience--which is just where +it is so entirely wrong. A Pastel has no business to imitate the +_technique_ of any other medium. + +_The R.L._ Oh, I think you are _so_ right. Because, after all, it _is_ +only a Pastel, isn't it? and it oughtn't to pretend to be anything +else. (_She looks reproachfully at the too ambitious Pastel_.) And it +isn't as if it was _successful_, either--it won't bear being looked +into at all closely. + +_The S.P._ You should never look at a Pastel closely; they are meant +to be seen from a distance. + +_The R.L._ (_brightly_). Or else you miss the effect? I _quite_ +see. Now, I like _this_--(_indicating a vague and streaky little +picture_)--don't you? That's what I call a _real_ Pastel. + +_The S.P._ (_screwing up his eyes_). H'm! Yes. Perhaps. Clever-ish. +Suggestive. + +_The R.L._ (_shocked_). Oh, _do_ you think so? I don't see anything of +_that_ kind in it--at least, I don't think it can be _intentional_. + +_The S.P._ The beauty of Art _is_ to suggest, to give work for the +imagination. + +_The R.L._ (_recovering herself_). I know so _exactly_ what you +mean--just as one makes all sorts of things out of the patches of damp +on an old ceiling? + +_The S.P._ Hardly. I should define Damp as the product of Nature--not +_Art_. + +_The R.L._ Oh, yes; if you put it in that way, of _course_! I only +meant it as an illustration--the two things are really as different +as possible. (_Changes the subject._) They don't seem to mind _what_ +coloured paper they use for Pastels, do they? + +_The S.P._ (_oracularly_). It is--er--always advisable in Pastels +to use a tone of paper to harmonise as nearly as possible with the +particular tone you--er--want. Because, you see, as the colour doesn't +always cover the _whole_ of the paper, if the paper which shows +through is different in tone, it--er-- + +_The R.L._ Won't match? I _see_. How clever! (_She arrives at a highly +eccentric composition, and ventures upon an independent opinion._) Now +I can't say I care for _that_--there's so very little done to it, and +what there is is so glaring and _crude_, don't you think? I call it +_stupid_. + +_The S.P._ I was just about to say that it is the cleverest thing in +the Exhibition--from an artistic point of view. No special interest in +it, but the scheme of colour very harmonious--and very decorative. + +_The R.L._ Oh, _isn't_ it? That's _just_ the right word for it--it is +_so_ decorative! and I do like the scheme of colour. Yes, it's very +clever. I quite feel _that_ about it. (_With a gush_.) It is _so_ nice +looking at pictures with somebody who has exactly the same tastes as +oneself. And I always _was_ fond of pastilles! + +_A Pavement Pastellist_ (_to a friend_). Well, JIM, I dunno what _you_ +think, but I call it a shellin' clean chucked away, I do. I come in +yere,--hearin' as all the subjicks was done in chorks, same as I do my +own--I come in on the chance o' pickin' up a notion or two as might be +useful to me in my perfession. But, Lor, they ain't got a ideer among +'em, that they ain't! They ain't took the measure of the popilar taste +not by a nundred miles, they 'aven't. Why, I ain't seen a single +thing as I'd reckincile it to my conscience to perduce before _my_ +public--there ain't 'ardly a droring in the 'ole bloomin' show as I'd +be seen settin' down beyind! Put down some of these 'ere Pastellers +to do a mouse a nibbling at a candle, or a battle in the Soudang, or a +rat snifin' at a smashed hegg, and you'd soon see _they_ was no good! +Precious few coppers 'ud fall into _their_ 'ats, I'll go bail! [_Exit +indignantly, as Scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +EXCELLENT EXAMPLE. + +In a recent trial for Breach of Promise, a letter was read from +Defendant saying that "he must now get a monkey;" whereupon the +"learned Under-Sheriff," as reported in the _Daily Telegraph_, +exclaimed, "A Monkey! What the goodness does he mean?" Now, isn't that +better than saying, "What the deuce?" Of course, no doubt the learned +Under-Sheriff is suficiently learned to remember the old rhyme-- + + "There was an old man of Domingo + Who'd a habit of swearing, 'By Jingo!' + But a friend having come + Who suggested 'By Gum!' + He preferred it at once to 'By Jingo!'" + +The goodness of the learned Under-Sheriff is worthy of all praise, and +of general imitation. + + * * * * * + +SWEETS TO THE SWEET.--It is stated that one of the features of the +Lord Mayor's Show this year is to be a Detachment of the Survivors of +the Balaclava Charge. This is an excellent idea, that may be developed +to almost any extent. Could we not have the Hero who had read every +Novel that has been published during the last six months; the Brave +Man who has been to every Dramatic _Matinée_ since January; and the +Scorner of Death, who has existed during an entire season in the +odours (sweet, or otherwise) of Kensington and Tyburnia? The latter on +the present occasion might immediately precede the Lord MAYOR Elect, +for, by association of ideas, he would certainly serve as an excellent +foil to Mr. Alderman SAVORY! + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday_.--_Rentrée_ of Miss MAGGIE MCINTYRE, appropriately enough as +_Margherita_. "She's Macintyrely first-rate," says our _blasé_ young +man, on being caught napping after the Opera, and interviewed on the +spot, "but can't say much for the rest,"--except the rest he took +himself. + +[Illustration: Our Reporter hoff to the Hopera.] + +_Tuesday_.--Our _blasé_ young man went to this, but as we only saw +him for a moment passing in a cab, when he looked out, and bade us a +"Good night," we can only suppose that it was "a good night" at the +Opera. He writes to say that the performance of _The Huguenots_ was +excellent, GIULIA RAVOGLI being specially good, but the draughts too +strong. _What draughts?_ + +[Illustration: Miss Damian as La Cieca feeling her way.] + +_Wednesday_.--_La Gioconda_. A good performance all round. But the +night specially memorable as being the first appearance of Miss GRACE +DAMIAN on the stage of the Royal Italian Opera anywhere. It is a +good omen for her that she appeared in Signor PONCHIELLI's Opera, +the composer being a distant connection of the great ancient Italian +family of the PONCINELLI, of which _Mr. Punch_ is now the chief +universal representative. It is a remarkable fact, too, showing the +strong force of canine attachment, which centuries cannot obliterate, +that the _Libretto_ of _La Gioconda_, set to music by Signor +PONCHIELLI (the "h" came in when the genuine liquid "n" was dropped) +was written by TOBIA GORRIO. That an Opera, written by TOBIA, or +TOBY, and composed by PUNCINELLO, should possess all the elements of +success, goes without saying. We welcome Signor GALASSI (a sporting +title, reminding us of _Gay Lass_), with MARIA PERI (who must appear +in _Il Paradiso_), and GIULIA RAVOGLI. Her Grace of DAMIAN made a most +successful _début_ as _La Cieca_, and was cheered to the echo. Thank +Heaven, there isn't an echo in Covent Garden--but, if there had been, +Echo would have repeated hospitably the "good cheer" a dozen times, as +she does somewhere about Killarney. Signor LAGO stars "HER MAJESTY +THE QUEEN" at the head of his bill, but it is only to say that +Her Gracious MAJESTY has been graciously pleased to honour him by +subscribing for the Royal Box during the present season, which is, +in effect, saying that he has _let the best box in the house for a +Sovereign!_ + +_Thursday Night_.--ALBANI as the unhappy _Traviata_. Big and +enthusiastic House. Signor PADILLA, as the Elder _Germont_, excellent, +and just contrived most gracefully to refuse the honour of an _encore_ +for his "_Di Provenza_." Since RONCONI, it is difficult to call to +mind an artist equal histrionically to Signor PADILLA, who is so grave +and impressive as that utter bore, "the Elder _Germont_," so gay and +eccentric as _Figaro_, and so dashing and reckless as the unscrupulous +_Don Giovanni_. That milksop, _Germont_ Junior, known as _Alfredo_, +was adequately played by Signor GIANNINI, whose name, were it spelt +GIA-"NINNY," would partly describe the character he represented. + +_Friday Night_.--Our _blasé_ young man writes to say, "I am suffering +from effects of draughts at Opera. Think it must be some Operatic air +which has given me cold. It's a gruel case for yours truly." + +_Saturday Night_.--Occasion described as "popular;" and, consequently, +_Il Trovatore_ announced. A little old-fashioned, but what of that? +VERDI just the composer "to keep your memory green." Alas! cold once +more to the front. The _blasé_ one "still off duty, so no reliable +report to hand." No doubt everything passed off pleasantly. _Manrico_ +obviously, when on the stage, more of a man than _Germont_ Junior. +The standing line has been, "large audience much pleased with the +entertainment." Altogether a successful week.' + + * * * * * + +MEM. FOR VISITORS TO LONDON.--Don't forget to look in at the +bird-pictures of STACEY MARKS, R.A. _Stay, see Marks!_ See Marks! They +are land-marks in the history of Modern Art. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.--NO. VI., "_Thrums on the Auld String_," +next week. + + * * * * * + +TO ENGELBERG AND BACK. + +_BEING A FEW NOTES TAKEN EN ROUTE IN SEARCH OF A PERFECT CURE._ + +"Give him another month here, and he'll be giving you all the slip, +and walking back to Calais on foot." Young JERRYMAN is commenting on +the wonderful restoration that has taken place in the condition of the +Dilapidated One, who has just been detected having a row on the lake, +all by himself. Not that this is a very prodigious aquatic feat, +seeing that three or four good strokes either way take you either +into the bank, or on to the heels or tails of a couple of very +ill-tempered, and irascible swans, who appear to think, and with some +reason, that there's not too much waterway as it is, and resent the +intrusion of the boat on their domain as a ridiculous superfluity. +However, the effort is one that the Dilapidated One would not have +ventured on at his arrival a month since, and as our time is up, and +we are starting on our return journey home in about half-an-hour's +time, we hail it as an indication that if he has not quite obtained +the Perfect Cure, that his medical man promised him, as the result of +a trip to this delightful spot, he is certainly not far off it. + +But the best things must come to an end, and so we find ourselves at +length, with much regret, taking our farewell of that excellent and +capitally-conducted "Perfect Kurhaus" the Hôtel Titlis. And this +reminds me, that in justice to that establishment, I ought to state +that some comments I made last week on German feeding in general, in +no way were meant to refer to the _table d'hôte_ at the Hôtel Titlis, +which, served in a lofty and well-ventilated _salon_, lighted by +electricity, to four hundred people daily, a capitally well-appointed +meal, is one of the notable features of the place. The smoke-stifled +children of the Fatherland, who shut every window they come across +when they get a chance, though they would dearly like to, cannot carry +their tricks on here. Sometimes, but not very often, they rally in +force, and render the "_Grosser Gesellschafts Saal_" a sort of Tophet +to the ordinary Briton; but the "_Speise Saal_", where smoking is +"_verboten_," is happily beyond their reach. But the hour of departure +has come, and quitting his comfortable establishment with much regret, +we bid good-bye to the courteous Herr CATTANI, and with a crack of the +whip we are off, dashing down the valley, and leaving Engelberg up on +its heights as a pleasant dream behind us. + +[Illustration: Putting Up for the Winter] + +And what is Engelberg? There is, first and foremost, _par excellence_, +the feature of the place--the Hôtel Titlis; then the Monastery, with +the Brethren of the Bell-rope; and _the_ Street. This is unique. Set +out with a _Châlet_ here, a Swiss _Pension_ there, a Chapel perched up +on a little hill on one side, and a neatly new-made farmhouse stuck +up on the other, with cattle (not omitting their dinner-bells) dotted +about here and there in the bright green meadows that creep up to, and +melt into, the pine-woods stretching from the base of the grand rugged +snow-capped heights that tower in every direction above, you get +thoroughly impressed with the idea that the whole place is nothing but +a box of toys, set out for the season (probably by the Monks), who, +you feel convinced, are only waiting for the departure of the last +visitor, to get out the box, and carefully pack away _Châlet_, and +_Pension_, Chapel and peasant for the winter months, with a view to +keeping them fresh for production in the early summer of next year. + +However, whatever its fate, Engelberg is left behind us, and we find +ourselves tearing down the Practical Joking Engineers' Road at a +break-neck pace, and hurrying on to Calais, once more to take our +places on our steady old friend, the _Calais-Douvres_, that helps to +deposit us finally at Charing Cross, where we are bound to admit that +the air, whatever it is, is emphatically _not_ the air of Engelberg. +But everybody who has seen him, says the Dilapidated One has come back +"twice the man he was". So we must take it that our journey has not +been in vain. + + * * * * * + +ADDITIONAL TITLE.--Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, after his brilliant letters in +the _D.T._, worthy of _The Light of the World_, will be remembered in +Japan as a "first-rate sort of Jap." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +WELLS, GARDNER, DARTON & Co. publish a very good selection of tales +for young people. Among the best are _Tom's Opinion_, a boy whose ever +readily-expressed opinion is made to change pretty often; and _Halt_! +by the same author. The title is suggestive of military manoeuvres, +but it's only a term for obeying quickly, which is hard to do +sometimes. _Gregory of the Foretop_, _Abbot's Cleeve_, and _Going for +a Soldier_, are three books containing several stories suitable to +mere grown-up young people,--so the sooner they grow up the better for +the sale of the books. They are all edited by J. ERSKINE CLARKE, M.A. + +FREDERICK WARNE & CO. give us _Young England's Nursery Tales_, +illustrated by CONSTANCE HASLEWOOD. _Noah's Ark_, by DARLBY DALE, +which is not the Ark of the nursery, but a story of the Norfolk +Broads. Perhaps "Norfolk Broads" would have suggested stories that +could _not_ be told in a drawing-room. As to _Bits about Horses for +Every Day_, selected and illustrated by S. TURNER,--well, what would +horses be without "bits?" These are not tit-bits. Might do for a +Bridle gift. + +_The Love of a Lady_, by Miss ANNIE THOMAS, otherwise Mrs. PENDER +CUDLIP, like most of this authoress's novels, is full of interest. It +is in the regulation three volumes, but appears as if it had wished +to be in two, and would have been had not large type insisted upon +the addition of a third tome. The love of a lady is transferred, +during the course of the story, from an artist, who appears in the +last chapter "in threadbare clothes, with broken, patched boots on +his feet" (not on his Hands, _bien entendu_), to a "well-tailored" +novelist. As the lady to whom "the love" originally belonged was +"a popular illustrator," it was only natural that the question of +appearances should play an important part in determining its ultimate +destination. + +Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM is never so much in his element as when he +revels in gore and guilt. In _Locusta_, in one bulky volume, he tells +of "the crime" and "the chastisement." The first is associated with "a +house with curtained windows," "an Italian swordsman," "entombed," and +"a maimed lion," and the second is developed in chapters headed, "The +Hunter lets fly a Poisoned Shaft," "The Silver Dish of Tarts," "The +First Victim Falls," "A Dreadful Accuser," and last, but not least, +"The Vengeance is Crowned." As the story begins in 1612, and ends with +the words, "HENRY, Prince of WALES, art thou not avenged?" it will +be seen, that Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM has seized this opportunity to +pleasantly illustrate an incident from English history. + +My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Land of Fancy. He +expresses delight at two books called respectively, _Dreams by +French Firesides_ and _English Fairy Tales_. The first is supposed +to have been written before Paris in 1870-71 by a German soldier +who had turned his thoughts to his home and children in the far-off +Fatherland. The second deals with British folk-lore, and is racy +of the soil. Both works are full of capital illustrations. He has, +moreover, read _He Went for a Soldier_, the WYNTER Annual of JOHN +STRANGE of that ilk. But what had the soldier done, that "he" should +"go for him"? The answer to this conundrum will be ascertained on +reading the book. _Nutshell Novels_, by J. ASHBY STERRY, is also a +volume that repays perusal. The Lazy Poet has turned his leisure to +good account--the stories he tells are excellent. + +Had the delightfully original _Alice in Wonderland_, and _Through the +Looking-Glass_, never been written, I doubt much if we should ever +have seen _Maggie in Mythica_, by F.B. DOVETON, who announces it +apologetically, as "his first"--perhaps it maybe his "unique" fairy +story,--and he adds, that he has "kept out of the beaten track as far +as possible." "_As far as possible_" is good, for never was there +such an example of the "sincerest flattery" than in this undeniable +imitation of _Alice in Wonderland_. Some of the illustrations, by J. +HARRINGTON WILSON, are not quite as weak as the text, while the best +of them only serve to heighten our appreciation of "Our" Mr. TENNIEL's +pictures in _Alice_, and its companion volume. But the very title, +_Maggie in Mythica_, recalls at once _Alice in Wonderland_, but the +lovers of _Alice_, who being attracted by this title may purchase +this book under the impression that "it is the same concern," will +soon find out their mistake, though it may perhaps amuse a very much +younger generation who know not _Alice_, if such a generation exist, +which muchly we beg to doubt. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MORNING CALL. + +_The Vicar_. "AND WHAT'S _YOUR_ NAME, MY DEAR?" + +_Child of the Period_. "WELL--_YOU_ OUGHT TO KNOW! YOU _KWISTENED_ +ME!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_BEFORE MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH._) + +_AN OFFICER OF VOLUNTEERS INTRODUCED._ + +_The Commissioner_. Well, what can I do for you, Captain? + +_Officer of Volunteers_. Hush, Sir! If you were heard to give me my +military rank, you would be the cause of covering me with ridicule! + +_The Com._ Ridicule! Are you _not_ a Captain? + +_Off._ Certainly, Sir. I hold Her Majesty's Commission, and am +supposed to be one of the defenders of the country. + +_The Com._ Then why should you not be credited with the rank to which +you are entitled? + +_Off._ Because, Sir, I am only a Captain of Volunteers. + +_The Com._ But surely the British Army is composed entirely of +Volunteers? + +_Off._ That is the national boast, Sir. But then, you see, I receive +no pay. + +_The Com._ Which does not prevent you from working? + +_Off._ On the contrary, Sir, nearly all my leisure is devoted to the +study of what I may, perhaps, be permitted to call my supplementary +profession. + +_The Com._ What are your duties? + +_Off._ Almost too numerous to enumerate. Before I received my +Commission, I had to undertake to make myself proficient in everything +appertaining to the rank to which I was appointed. This entailed a +month's hard work (five or six hours a day in the barrack-square), at +one of the Schools of Instruction. + +_The Com._ Well, let us suppose that you _have_ become duly qualified +to command a company--what next? + +_Off._ Having reached this point, I find myself called upon to work +as hard as any Line officer on full pay. True, I have not (except +when the battalion is camping out, or taking part in manoeuvres), to +trouble myself with matters connected with the Commissariat, but in +every other respect my position is exactly analogous to my brother +officers in other branches of the QUEEN's Service. I have to attend +numerous drills, and perform the duties, at stated intervals, of the +Orderly Room. Besides this, I have to see that every parade is well +attended by the men of my company. This entails, as you may imagine, +time and trouble. + +_The Com._ May I take it that it is less difficult to command +Volunteers than Regulars? + +_Off._ That is a matter of opinion. If a Volunteer officer can bring +to bear his social position (for instance, should his men be his +tenants, or in his employment), he may find the task of command an +easy one. But should the battalion to which he belongs be composed of +that large class of persons who consider "one man as good as another, +and better," no little tact is required in keeping up discipline. +Besides this, he starts at a disadvantage. Every retirement from the +regiment means the loss of an earner of the capitation grant; and +as the maintenance of a Volunteer corps is an exceedingly expensive +matter, a "free and independent private" feels that if he withdraws, +or is forced to withdraw, his officers are practically the pecuniary +sufferers of the proceeding. + +_The Com._ Am I to understand then that the cost of a battalion falls +upon the commissioned rank? + +_Off._ Almost entirely. The officers have generally to pay a heavy +entrance fee, and subscription, and must, if they wish to be popular, +contribute largely to prize funds, entertainments, and the cost of +"marching out." Besides these charges they have to be particularly +hospitable or benevolent (either word will do) to the companies to +which they specially belong. + +_The Com._ Well, certainly, it seems that an Officer of Volunteers has +many responsibilities--what are his privileges? + +_Off._ Only one is officially recognised--the right to be snubbed! + +_The Com._ And the result? + +_Off._ That there is scarcely a corps in the kingdom without +vacancies. Men nowadays, fail to see the fun of all work and no pay, +play, or anything else. This very week a meeting is being held at +the Royal United Service Institution, to consider what can be done to +advance the interests of the officers--another word for the interests +of the whole force. + +_The Com._ You have my sympathy, and if I can help you-- + +_Off._ Not another word, Sir. The good services of _Mr. Punch_ for +the last thirty years are appreciated by all of us, and we know we can +rely upon him as confidently in the future as we have done with good +reason in the past. [_The Witness then retired._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SAME OLD GAME!" + +OLD LADY OF THREADNEEDLE STREET. "YOU'VE GOT YOURSELVES INTO A NICE +MESS WITH YOUR PRECIOUS '_SPECULATION_!' WELL--I'LL HELP YOU OUT OF +IT,--_FOR THIS ONCE!!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY SKETCH FOR NOVEMBER 5. + +MAGISTRATE LETTING OFF A CRACKER WITH A LITTLE CAUTION.] + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +(_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._) + +NO. IV.--THE GRAND OLD (JOBBING) GARDENER. + + SCENE--_the Garden of a modest Suburban Villa. Present, + Simple Citizen, with budding horticultural ambitions, and + Jobbing Gardener, "highly recommended" for skill and low + charges. The latter is a grizzled personage, very bowed as to + back, and baggy as to breeches, but in his manner combining + oracular "knowingness" and deferential plausibility in a + remarkable degree._ + +_Simple Citizen_. You see SMUGGINS, things are a little bit in the +rough here, at present. + +_Grand Old Gardener_. Ah, you may well say that, Sir! Bin allowed to +run to rack _and_ ruin, this here pooty bit o' garding has. Want a lot +o' clearing, scurryfunging, and topping and lopping, afore it'll look +anythink like. But it's got the making of a puffeck parrydise in it, a +puffeck parrydise it has--_with_ my adwice. + +_S.C._ Glad to hear you say so, SMUGGINS. Now what I propose is-- + +_G.O.G._ (_laying a horny hand on S.C.'s coat-sleeve_). If you'll +ascuse me, Sir, I'll jest give yer _my_ ideas. It'll save time. (_Lays +down artfully the lines of a plan involving radical alteration of +paths, and lawns, and beds, shifting of shrubs, cutting down of trees, +rooting up of trailers, and what he calls "toppin' an' loppin'" to a +tremendous extent._) _Then_, Sir, you'll 'ave a bit o' garding as'll +be the pride o' yer eye, and a tidy bit o' profit into the bargain, +or I don't know my bizness. An' I _oughter_ too, seeing as I wos 'ed +gardener to the Dook of FITZ-FUZZ for close on twenty year, afore the +rheumaticks took me like wot you see. Hu-a-a-h!!! + +_S.C._ Yes; but, SMUGGINS, all these alterations will run into time +and--expense, I'm afraid. + +_G.O.G._ (_confidentially)._ You leave that to _me_, Sir! The fust +expense'll be the biggest, and a saving in the long run, take _my_ +word. And then you _will_ 'ave a garding, _you_ will, one as that 'ere +muddled up bit o' greenery nex door won't be a patch on it, for all +he's so proud of it.(_Gets Simple Citizen into his clutches, and +works him to his will_.) + + SCENE II.--_The Same, six months later in the Season._ + +_S.C._ (_returning from a fortnight's absence_). What, SMUGGINS, still +at it? And--eh--by Jove, what _have_ you been up to? Why I hardly know +the place again! + +_G.O.G._ (_complacently_). I should 'ope not, Sir It _is_ a bit +different from when you last saw it, I flatter myself. Fact it is a +garding, now. _Then_ it wos a wildernidge! + +_S.C._ Yes, but SMUGGINS, hang it all, you've cut almost every bit of +greenery away! + +_G.O.G._ (_contemptuously_). Greenery!!! And who wants _greenery_? +Greenery ain't gardening, greenery ain't not by chorks. Any fool, even +that cove nex door, can grow _greenery_! + +_S.C._ Yes, but SMUGGINS, I _don't_ like my limes to look like +gouty posts, my branchy elms to show as bare as broom-sticks, and my +fruit-trees to be trimmed into timber-screens! + +_G.O.G._ (_persuasively_). No, Sir, cert'ny _not_. Fact is they'd bin +let grow wild so long that cutting on 'em freely back wos the only way +to save 'em. Jest wait till next year, Sir, and _you_'ll see. + +_S.C._ (_doubtfully_). Humph! Looks beastly now, anyhow. And you've +altered all the paths, and nearly all the beds. I didn't tell you-- + +_G.O.G._ (_emphatically_). No, Sir, you didn't. You give me _cart +blarnch_, you did, and I've done my level best. The Dook 'ad the +same idees at first, but when he comes to know me, he says, says +he, SMUGGINS, you're always right, he says. If you wos to run a +reaping-machine through my horchids, or a traction-engine over my +turf, I should know as you wos a-doing of the right thing--_in_ +the long run! Oh, you leave it to me, Sir, and you won't repent it. +And--ahem--here's my little haccount, Sir,--_hup_ to date. + + [_Presents dirty piece of blue paper, giving scanty details, + and a spanking total. Simple Citizen pays, and tries to look + pleasant._ + +[Illustration] + + SCENE III. + + _The Same, six months later. Present, Simple Citizen, and a + Sympathetic Friend. + +_Sympathetic Friend_. Well, well, it _does_ look a waste, APPLEYARD. + +_Simple Citizen_ (_purple_). A waste! I should think it _did_. indeed! +And to think of the pretty, green, bowery place it was when I took it! +Unprofitable, perhaps, but pleasant. Now it is neither pleasant _nor_ +profitable. + +_S.F._ And all through that rascally ravaging SMUGGINS? + +_S.C._ (_furiously_). The scoundrel!--the sleek, insinuating, +slaughtering scoundrel! He tore up my paths, he altered my beds, he +mutilated my lawns, he stripped my trailers, he hacked my trees into +bare hideousness, all to make work and money for himself and his +partner in iniquity, that nefarious "florist" friend of his. I was a +greenhorn, MUMPSON, a juggins, and I let them fool me to the top of +my bent. He cut up the shrubbery into those horrible flat beds, in +order that I might "grow my hown wegerbles," as he phrased it. He +got money from me for the best and most expensive "ashleaf kidneys" +and "Prooshian Blues," then planted cheap refuse from a small +greengrocer's. My "ashleaf kidneys" turned out waxy marbles; my +Prooshian Blues refused to pod; I spent--or rather he received--pounds +upon my vinery and cucumber frames. My grape-bunches went mouldy, and +I never got a cucumber more than six inches long. His "friend, the +florist," did, no doubt. He stole my shrubs overnight, and sold +'em back to me next morning. He bled my maidservants for "beer and +'baccy." In fact, it was the same all round; he had, in every way, +ruined my garden, run me up exorbitant bills, and then, when the day +of detection was imminent--disappeared. If ever I catch sight of that +mulberry nose of his, I shall be tempted to-- + +_S.F._ (_soothingly_). Ah, yes, just so. But let's hope that +you'll never come across this particular Grand Old Gardener--or his +like--again. (_Waggishly._) By Jove, APPLEYARD, no wonder the world +went wrong, seeing that "the first man" was--a Gardener!!! + + * * * * * + +LEARNED BY ART.--"Beasts in Bond Street!" "Sheep in the Salon!" +Messrs. DOWDESWELLS have taken the wind out of the sails of the +Agricultural Hall, and Mr. DENOVAN ADAM has given us the opportunity +of seeing a superb collection of Scottish Highland Cattle. Mountain, +meadow, moss and moor have all been laid under contribution. The +result is we can have the chance of studying these hornymental animals +without being tossed, and staring at them without being gored. In +the same gallery may be seen a series of pastels of Hampstead Heath, +by Mr. HENRY MUHRMAN--a merman ought to be a sea-painter by rights, +but no matter! The poet has told us that, "'Amsted am the place to +ruralise on a summer's day!" The artist convinces us it is the place +to "pastelise," and he seems to have pastelised to the tune of forty +pictures very successfully. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW OF THE FUTURE. + +[In consequence of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS becoming Sheriff, it is +expected that additional lustre will be given to a future Mayoralty by +the leading Members of "THE Profession" taking to Civic Life.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'ARRY IN ST. PETERSBURGH. + +HE TRIES TO MAKE A DROSKI-DRIVER UNDERSTAND THAT HE COULD HAVE GONE +THE SAME DISTANCE IN A HANSOM FOR LESS MONEY.] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +_PAR CI--PAR LA!_ + +"A good par here, and a bad par there; here a par, and there a par, +and everywhere a par!" Indeed, as an Irishman would say, it is +the Judgment of Pars. Let us look in at the Institute, and see the +Painters in Ile, and no doubt we shall be iley delighted. We go on the +pre-private view day. Not that we are parsimonious, but we prefer to +see the pictures without being scrouged. + +[Illustration: "PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER." + +Hoisted with his own Petar--Guy Fawkes blown up.] + +"_The Release_" is a puzzler. We have taken stock of Mr. STOCK's +picture, and fail to understand it. Is it LULU or ZAZEL? There seems +to have been an explosion, and one person, lightly attired, is blown +up; and another, more warmly clad, is blown down. They will both +probably catch cold. Nothing hazy about Mr. HAYES's pictures. On the +contrary, fresh and brilliant--notably, "_A Grey Sunset._" If you are +subject to _mal-de-mer_, his seas will make you onaisy. The President, +Sir JAMES LINTON, has only two small pictures, both cleverly painted, +but each may be described as a little LINTON; so let us give him a +little hint on the subject; like OLIVER TWIST, we ask for more. "_Too +Many Cooks_," by BURTON BARBER--a Barber who knows how to dress hair. +See the dogs' coats. Miss ETHEL WRIGHT is not very far wrong in her +picture of a fair _canoiste_, and Mr. W.L. WYLLIE is both artful and +wily in his rendering of a "_A Sou' Wester_." "_An Old Harbour in +Sussex_" gives distinct evidence that LEWIS (C.J.) has been moved to +the coast, and it seems to be a move in the right direction. In "_The +Red Canoe_," Mr. ALFRED PARSONS delivers an eloquent sermon on the +joys of life on the Thames. + +The Royal Society of British Artists have fewer pictures than usual +at their new show. Quality better than common. Mr. F. BRANGWYN's +"_Funeral at Sea_" is excellent. Mr. R. MACHELL's "_Lakshmi_," not +easy to understand. It might be "Lakshmi, or the Lost Bathing-dress." +She might certainly say, "I lacks my _costume de bain_." +"_Durham_"--good landscape by Mr. YGLESIAS. Mr. NELSON DAWSON in his +"_Sunset Breeze_," gives us real sea and good seamanship. In "_Trying +it Over_," Mr. LOMAX has tried it over to some purpose, and has +produced a successful little picture of an enthusiastic flautist. Mr. +G.F. WATTS sends "_Lord Tennyson_." But why in ermine? The Laureate is +quite good enough for us without his Peer's robes. What did HARRY THE +EIGHTH say concerning HOLBEIN? Anything more to see? Of course there +is. But what is my text? "Pars about Pictures." And so I pass about. +_I_ mustn't linger, but remain + +Yours par-ticularly, + +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +GOLF VICTOR! + + Sir Golf and Sir Tennis are fighting like mad-- + Now Sir Tennis is blown, and Sir Golf's right above him, + And his face has a look that is weary and sad, + As he hastily turns to the ladies, who love him, + But the racket falls from him, he totters, and swirls, + As he hears them cry, "Golf is the game for the girls!" + + * * * * * + + The girls crave for freedom, they cannot endure + To be cramped up at Tennis in courts that are poky, + And they're all of them certainly, perfectly sure + That they'll never again touch "that horrible Croquet," + Where it's quite on the cards that they play with Papa, + And where all that goes on is surveyed by Mamma. + + To Golf on the downs for the whole of the day + Is "so awfully jolly," they keep on asserting, + With a good-looking fellow to teach you the way, + And to fill up the time with some innocent flirting, + And it may be the maiden is wooed and is won, + Ere the whole of the round is completed and done. + + Henceforward, then, Golf is the game for the fair-- + At home, and abroad, or in pastures Colonial, + And the shouts of the ladies will quite fill the air + For the Links that will turn into bonds Matrimonial, + And for husbands our daughters in future will seek + With the powerful aid of the putter and cleek! + + * * * * * + +CORRESPONDENCE SPECIAL.--KNOODEL, of Knoodel Court, writes to +us:--"Sir,--I have recently come across the name 'bacteriologist.' +Is it a new name for a person who writes ill of another behind his +back? If so, the best remedy for the mischief he causes is a criminal +action." [Our advice to KNOODEL is, "Consult a Solicitor."--ED.] + + * * * * * + +"CARMEN UP TO DATE AT THE GAIETY."--"Approbation of Miss ALMA STANLEY +is praise indeed." The correct quotation adapted _à la fin du Siècle_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN OUR GARDEN.] + +_Tuesday Morning_.--Still in Edinburgh, but going home to-night. Just +received telegram from Member for SARK. "Come home at once," he says; +"the _Peronospora Schleideniana_ has got at the onions." + +Rather a shock to have news like this flashed upon one with that +absence of deliberation that sometimes marks the telegraph service. +But I cannot say I am surprised. I had, indeed, before leaving, called +SARK's attention to what I recognised as the greyish mycelial threads +of the fungus spreading upon the pipes and budding seed-heads. If SARK +had steeped the seed in sulphate of copper before planting it, this +wouldn't have happened. It's a pity, for I rather thought we would +make something towards expenses out of that onion-bed. There's no more +profitable crop than your pickling onions if well farmed. I know a man +who made £150 an acre out of his onions. But then he wasn't hampered +in his arrangements with a fellow like SARK. + +Called on Mr. G. to say good-bye. He was sympathetic about the onion +blight, but I could see that his mind was occupied with other and +perhaps equally saddening thoughts. + +"I suppose you have been made aware of the intelligence that has +reached me through the usual sources?" he said. "I have had a pretty +good time here. I have belaboured the Government from all points +of attack. I think I managed pretty well with the Disestablishment +Question. You don't think, TOBY," he said, with a passing look of +deeper apprehension, "that I gave myself away at all on the matter? +The worst of these fellows is that they keep a record of every word +I say, a custom which seriously hampers one in his movements. What I +should like, if it were permitted, would be to come quite fresh to a +question year after year, and say upon it exactly what happened to be +convenient, without having before my eyes the certainty that somebody +would dig out what I said on the same subject last year, or five years +ago." + +I assured him that I thought not much could be made out of his remarks +on Disestablishment Question. In fact it would be difficult to prove +that he had said anything at all. Brightened up at this; but cloud +again deepened over his mobile face. + +"Yes, perhaps I've done pretty well," he said, with a sigh. "I have +steered through a very difficult position without running ashore; +I have had an immense popular reception; I have stirred up the +constituency, and have, if I may say so, supplied with fresh oil the +sacred lamp of Liberalism. Now, just when I was beginning in some +modest measure to felicitate myself, there comes news of a crushing +master-stroke devised by the Government. Though I do not disguise my +discomfiture, I would not withhold my tribute of admiration at the +brilliancy of the stroke, of the genius of its conception, and of the +completeness with which it has been dealt. I have been here more than +a week, and have delivered four speeches. The Government and their +friends on the platform and in the press affect to sneer at my efforts +and their influence. Still, they feel it is necessary to make a +counter-demonstration, and to effectually undo whatever work I may +have accomplished. What course do they adopt? Why, they send down +ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. He was at Dalkeith last night, and, in a single +speech, destroyed the effect of my great effort of Saturday. He will +go to West Calder; he will come here; he will follow me step by step +with relentless energy, tearing up, so to speak, the rails I have +laid, and which I had hoped would have safely conducted the Liberal +train into the Westminster station. _Sic vos non vobis_. It is cruel, +it is crushing. If I had only foreseen it, I would have remained at +Hawarden, and you might have averted the calamity that overshadows +your Garden." + +Quite distressed to see my venerated friend broken down. Bad for him +to stop at home and brood over calamity. Best thing would be change of +scene and thought. He had made engagement to-day to go to Pumpherston +and inspect oil and candle works. Better keep it. + +"No," said Mr. G., wearily, "oil comforts me not, nor candles either. +Now, if it were pork, it would be different. Few things so interesting +as pork. Not from a dietetic point of view, but regarded historically. +As I mentioned to a Correspondent the other day, in the course of +Homeric work I have examined into the use of pork by the ancients. +A very curious subject. I shall make some references to it in +the closing paper which I am writing for _Good Words_ on the Old +Testament. I am under the impression that the dangers which lurk +beneath the integument of a leg (or sirloin) of pork, are specially +connected with the heat of Southern climates." + +Curious to see how rapidly his aspect changed as these thoughts +pressed upon his mind. When I came in, he had been sitting in an +arm-chair, with his head resting on his hand, and his brow painfully +wrinkled. He looked quite old--at least seventy. Now he was up, +walking about the room with springy stride, his mind actively engaged +in framing theories on the use of pork by HOMER's contemporaries. +If I could only keep him engaged, he would forget the blow that had +descended upon him, and would regain his usual equanimity. A question +as to whether he thought Achilles liked sage with his pork, cunningly +led him on to a long disquisition, till, in a quarter of an hour, +he was quite a changed man, and set out with great energy for +Pumpherston. + +Fine enthusiasm along the route. Immense reception from the working +men. Splendid luncheon set out at one end of the shed where we were +assembled; bill of fare included crude oil, sulphate of ammonia, +various mineral oils, and candles made from paraffin. There was no +wine, but plenty of ammonia-water. Manager presented Mrs. G. with bust +in paraffin wax, which he said was Mr. G. Also handed her a packet +of dips cunningly carved in the likeness of HERBERT, the wick combed +out so as to represent a shock of hair. Mr. G. delighted; standing on +a barrel of paraffin, he addressed the company in a luminous speech, +tracing back the candle to the earliest times. That candles existed +in the Mosaic era, he reminded them, was shown by the question which +had puzzled succeeding ages--as to the precise locality in which the +great Law-giver stood when the medium of illumination provided for +his convenience was suddenly extinguished. This was a great hit; +enthusiasm knew no bounds. Hospitality of the Pumpherston people +really embarrassing; they filled our pockets with candles of all sizes +and descriptions, and insisted upon each of us taking away a quart +bottle of paraffin oil imperfectly corked. + +Never shall I forget the radiant look of Mr. G. as he left the works +loaded with candles and congratulations, whilst Mrs. G., walking by +his side, carefully carried the bust in paraffin wax. He had evidently +forgotten all about ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. + + * * * * * + +DEATH-BALL; OR, A NEW NAME FOR IT. + +Yesterday the celebrated Midland Spine-splitters met the Ribcracking +Rovers at the prepared Ambulance Grounds recently opened in +conjunction with the local County Hospital. A large staff of medical +men, supplied with all the necessary surgical appliances, were in +attendance. Play commenced effectively, the Rovers keeping the ball +well before them, with only a few broken arms, a dislocated thigh, and +a fractured jaw or two. Later, however, affairs moved more briskly, +one of the Spine-splitter forwards getting the ball well down to goal; +but, being met with "opposition," he was carried senseless from the +field. A lively scrimmage followed, amid a general cracking of ribs +and snapping of spines. The field now being covered with wounded, the +Police interfered, and the play terminated in a draw. + + * * * * * + +PIECE WITH HONOUR AT THE AVENUE.--The successful and pretty little +play just produced at Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER's theatre may be described +as more "_Shadow_" than "_Sunlight_." + + * * * * * + +A SAFE COURSE.--A German physician, Dr. KOCH, hopes to benefit +humanity by his new cure for Consumption. At present he is reticent on +the subject, and he won't speak till he is KOCH sure. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., November 8, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12469-8.txt or 12469-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12469/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., November 8, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12469] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 8, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page217" + id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. V.—MIGNON'S MESS-ROOM.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By</i> TOM RUM SUMMER, <i>Author of "Mignon's Ma," + "Mignon's Hub," "Footle's Father," "Tootle's Tootsie," "Ugly + Tom," "Your Rich Richard," "A Baby in Barracks," "Stuck," + "Hoop-Lore," "Went for that Pleeceman," &c., &c., + &c., &c., &c., &c., &c., &c.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["This," writes the eminent Author, "is a <i>real, + true</i> story of the life of soldiers and children. + Soldiers are <i>grand, noble</i> fellows. They are so + <i>manly</i>, and all smoke a great deal of tobacco. My + drawl is the only genuine one. I could do a lot more of the + same sort, but I charge extra for pathos. I'm a + man.—T.R.S."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Three blind mice—</p> + + <p>See how they run."</p> + + <p class="i4">—<i>Old Song</i>,</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The Officers of the Purple Dragoons were gathered together + in their ante-room. It was a way they had. They were all there. + Grand fellows, too, most of them—tall, broad-shouldered, + and silky-haired, and as good as gold. That gets tiresome after + a time, but everything can be set right with one downright + rascally villain—a villain, mind you, that poor, weak + women, know nothing about. GAVOR was that kind of man. Of + course that was why he was to break his neck, and get smashed + up generally. But I am anticipating, and a man should never + anticipate. EMILY, for instance, never did. EMILY—Captain + EMILY, of the Purple Dragoons—was the biggest fool in the + Service. Everybody told him so; and EMILY, who had a trustful, + loving nature, always believed what he was told.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/217.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/217.png" + alt="Mignon and the Officers of the Purple Dragoons." /> + </a> + </div> + + <p>"I nev-ah twry," he used to say—it was a difficult + word to pronounce, but EMILY always stuck to it as only a + soldier can. and got it out somehow—"I nev-ah twry to + wremember things the wwrong way wround."</p> + + <p>A roar of laughter greeted this sally. They all knew he + meant "anticipate," but they all loved their EMILY far too well + to set him right.</p> + + <p>"'Pon my soul," he continued, "it's quite twrue. You fellows + may wroawr wiv laughtewr if you like, but it's twrue, and you + know it's twrne."</p> + + <p>There was another explosion of what EMILY would have called + "mewrwriment," at this, for it was well-known to be one of the + gallant dragoon's most humorous efforts. A somewhat protracted + silence followed. FOOTLES, however, took it in both hands, and + broke it with no greater emotion than he would have shown if he + had been called upon to charge a whole squadron of + Leicestershire Bullfinches, or to command a Lord Mayor's escort + on the 9th of November. Dear old FOOTLES! He wasn't clever, no + Purple Dragoon could be, but he wasn't the biggest fool in the + Service, like EMILY, and all the rest of them. Still he loved + another's.</p> + + <p>In fact, whenever a Purple Dragoon fell in love, the object + of his affections immediately pretended to love someone else. + Hard lines, but soldiers were born to suffer. It is so easy, so + true, so usual to say, "there's another day to-morrow," but + that never helped even a Purple Dragoon to worry through to-day + any the quicker. Poor, brave, noble, drawling, manly, + pipe-smoking fellows! On this particular occasion FOOTLES + uttered only one word. It was short, and began with the fourth + letter of the alphabet. But he may be pardoned, for some of the + glowing embers from his magnificent briar-wood pipe had dropped + on to his regulation overalls. The result was painful—to + FOOTLES. All the others laughed as well as they could, with + clays, meerschaums, briars, and asbestos pipes in their mouths. + And through the thick cloud of scented smoke the mess-waiter + came into the room, bearing in his hand a large registered + letter, and coughing violently.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The mouse ran up the clock."</p> + + <p class="i4">—<i>Nursery Rhyme</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The waiter advanced slowly to FOOTLES, and handed him the + letter. FOOTLES took it meditatively, and turned it over in + both hands. The post-marks were illegible, and the envelope + much crumpled. "Never mind," thought FOOTLES, to himself, "it + will dry straight—it will dry straight." He always + thought this twice, because it was one of his favourite + phrases. At last he decided to open it. As he broke the seal a + little cry was heard, and suddenly, before even EMILY had had + time to say "I nev-ah!" a charming and beautifully dressed + girl, of about fifteen summers, sprang lightly from the packet + on to the mess-room floor, and kissed her pretty little hand to + the astonished Dragoons.</p> + + <p>"You're FOOTLES," she said, skipping up to the + thunder-stricken owner of the name. "I know you very well. I'm + going to be your daughter, and you're going to marry my mother. + Oh, it's all right," she continued, as she observed FOOTLES + press his right hand convulsively to the precise spot on his + gorgeous mess-waistcoat under which he imagined his heart to be + situated, "it's all right. Pa's going to be comfortably killed, + and put out of the way, and then you'll marry darling Mamma. + She'll be a thousand times more beautiful at thirty-three than + she was at twenty-two, and <i>ever</i> so much more lovely at + fifty-five than at thirty-three. So it's a good bargain, isn't + it, EM?" This to EMILY, who appeared confused. She trotted up + to him, and laid her soft blooming cheek against his blooming + hard one. "Never mind, EM," she lisped, "everything is bound to + come out right. I've settled it all"—this with a + triumphant look on her baby-face—"with the author; such a + splendid writer, none of your twaddling women-scribblers, but a + real man, and a great friend of mine. I'm to marry you, EM. You + don't know it, because you once loved NAOMI, who 'mawrwried the + Wrevewrend SOLOMON'"—at this point most of the Purple + Dragoons were rude enough to yawn openly. She paid no attention + to them—"and now you love OLIVE, but she loves PARKACK, + and he doesn't love her, so she has got to marry PARKOSS, whom + she doesn't love. Their initials are the same, and everybody + knows their caligraphy is exactly alike," she went on wearily, + "so that's how the mistake arose. It's a bit far-fetched, but," + and her arch smile as she said this would have melted a harder + heart than Captain EMILY's, "we mustn't be too particular in a + soldier's tale, you know."</p> + + <p>As she concluded her remarks the door opened, and Colonel + PURSER entered the room.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man."</p> + + <p class="i4">—<i>Old Ballad</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Colonel PURSER was a stout, plethoric man. He was five feet + seven inches high, forty-five inches round the chest, fifty + inches round the waist, and every inch of him was a soldier. He + was, therefore, a host in himself. He gasped, and turned red, + but, like a real soldier, at once grasped the situation. The + Colonel was powerful, and the situation, in spite of all my + pains, was not a strong one. The struggle was short.</p> + + <p>"Pardon me," said the Colonel, when he had recovered his + wind, "is your name MIGNON?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," she replied, as the tears brimmed over in her lovely + eyes, "it is. I am a simple soldier's child, but, oh, I can run + so beautifully—through ever so many volumes, and lots of + editions. In fact," she added, confidentially, "I don't see why + I should stop at all, do you? EMILY <i>must</i> marry me. He + can't marry OLIVE, because Dame Nature put in <i>her</i> eyes + with a dirty finger. Ugh! I've got blue eyes."</p> + + <p>"But," retorted the Colonel, quickly, "shall you never + quarrel?"</p> + + <p>"Oh yes," answered MIGNON, "there will come a rift in the + hitherto perfect lute of our friendship (the rift's name will + be DARKEY), but we shall manage to bridge it over—at + least TOM RUM SUMMER says so." Here EMILY broke in. He could + stand it no longer. "Dash it, you know, this is wewry + extwraowrdinawry, wewry extwraowrdinawry indeed," he observed; + "You'wre a most wremawrkable young woman, you know."</p> + + <p>A shout of laughter followed this remark, and in the fog of + tobacco-smoke Colonel PURSER could be dimly seen draining a + magnum of champagne.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Hey diddle, diddle."</p> + + <p class="i4">—<i>Songs and Romances</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Everything fell out exactly as MIGNON prophesied. But if you + think that you've come to the end of MIGNON, I can only say + you're very much astray, or as EMILY, with his smooth silky + voice, and his smoother silkier manners, would have said, + "You'wre wewry much astwray." See my next dozen stories.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>THE END. (<i>Pro tem.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page218" + id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <h3>THE GRAND OLD + STUMPER.</h3><a href="images/218.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/218.png" + alt="Mr. Gladstone." /></a> "WHAT IS FASHION? 'AFTER A + FASHION HAS BEEN DISCARDED—IF YOU HAVE ONLY + PATIENCE TO WAIT LONG ENOUGH—YOU WILL FIND YOU + WILL GET BACK TO IT.' LOOK AT MY COLLARS!—AND + UMBRELLA!!" [<i>See Mr. Gladstone's Speech during the + recent Midlothian Campaign.</i>) + </div> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>Wait a little longer.</i>"</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's a good time coming, friends,</p> + + <p class="i2">That flood is flowing stronger;</p> + + <p>The reigning mode in failure ends,</p> + + <p class="i4">Wait a little longer!</p> + + <p>Fashion <i>is</i> ever on the wing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Arch-enemy of Beauty.</p> + + <p>Now, when we get a first-rate thing,</p> + + <p class="i2">To stick to it's our duty.</p> + + <p>But no, the whirling wheel must whirl,</p> + + <p class="i2">The zig-zag go zig-zagging;</p> + + <p>The wig to-day must crisply curl,</p> + + <p class="i2">That yesterday was bagging.</p> + + <p>But good things <i>do</i> come "bock agen."</p> + + <p class="i2">For banishment but stronger</p> + + <p>(With bonnets or with Grand Old Men),</p> + + <p class="i4">Wait a little longer!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From Eighty unto Eighty-Five</p> + + <p class="i2">These collars were the rage, friends;</p> + + <p>Didn't we keep the game alive,</p> + + <p class="i2">In spite of creeping age, friends?</p> + + <p>But oh, that horrid Eighty-Six!</p> + + <p class="i2">They deemed me fairly settled,</p> + + <p>As though just ferried o'er the Styx,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I was tougher mettled.</p> + + <p>I knew the fashion would return</p> + + <p class="i2">For just this size of collar.</p> + + <p>(And that's a lesson they'll soon learn,</p> + + <p class="i2">You bet your bottom dollar.)</p> + + <p>Bless you, I'm "popping up again,"</p> + + <p class="i2">For four years' fighting stronger.</p> + + <p>Once more I'm here to fire the train—</p> + + <p class="i4">Wait a little longer!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've told you all about BALFOUR,</p> + + <p class="i2">And his black Irish scandals;</p> + + <p>(With side-lights upon days of yore,</p> + + <p class="i2">My bachelor life, and candles.)</p> + + <p>I've touched on Disestablishment</p> + + <p class="i2">(I trust you'll not say + <i>thinly</i>),</p> + + <p>On Eight Hours Bills a speech I've spent,</p> + + <p class="i2">And scarified M'KINLEY.</p> + + <p>And now, to wind up, I'll explain</p> + + <p class="i2">My favourite views on Fashion:</p> + + <p><i>Big Collars will come back again!!!</i></p> + + <p class="i2">'Twill raise the Tories' passion.</p> + + <p>But, with these Collars, this Umbrella,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd face them, though thrice + stronger!</p> + + <p>Friends—trust once more your Grand Old + Fella,</p> + + <p class="i4">And—wait a <i>leetle</i> + longer!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A BOOTHIFUL IDEA!</h2> + + <p>Just finished my article on "Antediluvian Archæology + in its relation to Genesis and the Iliad," and now all that + remains to do is to carry the rest of my books down to the new + library, make catalogue, consider subjects for five more + speeches, write thirty-six letters and postcards, and polish + off the ten last clauses of the Home-Rule Bill. This idleness + is oppressive. Not used to it. What shall I do?</p> + + <p>Piles of correspondence by morning post! What <i>can</i> + this be about? Ah! I remember now! <i>Nineteenth Century</i> + just out, of course. Glad I thought of starting "Society of + Universal Beneficence." Will keep me going after excitement of + Midlothian. Wonder how many people will "bind themselves to + give away a fixed proportion of their income,"—also what + the proportion will be, if they do. Don't know if I + <i>should</i> have thought of it, if it hadn't been for General + BOOTH's book. Remarkable person, the General. Perhaps he'd + order his Army to vote solid for Home Rule, if I offered him a + place in my next Cabinet? Must sound him on the subject. + Salvationists quite a power now. Can't cut Field-Marshal VON + BOOTH <i>up</i> in a Magazine, so must cut him <i>out</i> + instead!</p> + + <p>Ha! Letter from LABOUCHERE, of all people. H—m! Says + he's "glad to see I've started Universal Beneficence Society. + Thought of doing so himself once." Congratulates me on turning + my attention to "Social Reform." Says he thinks it's an + "Ecclesent idea,"—he must mean "Excellent," surely!</p> + + <p>"Inquirer"—(post-mark, Hatfield. Curious circumstance, + rather)—writes to ask for details of the Society. + "Prefers at present to remain anonymous," but an answer sent to + "S., Hatfield House," will always find him! Meanwhile, encloses + postal order for one pound ten shillings a "fixed proportion of + his income," as he sees that I've "offered to make myself the + careful recipient of any assents," by which he supposes that I + mean cash. A little embarrassing!</p> + + <p>Take stroll in Park to collect my thoughts. Find two leading + Belfast linen-merchants busily gathering up sawdust, &c, + round tree I felled yesterday. They explain that they've + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page219" + id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span> been "much interested in my + novel idea of converting chips of wood into best cambric + pocket-handkerchiefs," and think that it beats General + BOOTH's notion of making children's toys out of old + sardine-tins hollow. I should rather think it did! Still, + have to confess that I'm <i>not</i> ready at present to + "quote them my wholesale price for best oak-shavings + delivered free on rail."</p> + + <p>Telegram from—CHAMBERLAIN! Says he sees the new + Society's one of "universal" beneficence, and supposes it + includes him! Quite a mistake! Sends cheque for three pounds, + and hopes I'll "keep a strict account of all sums received, and + issue a report and balance-sheet shortly." Really, very + injudicious of me to use word "universal"! Ought to have + expressly excluded Liberal-Unionists (so-called), from my plan. + That's where General BOOTH has advantage of me. <i>He</i> + probably doesn't exclude anybody that wants to send him money. + Perhaps, after all, he knows how to do this sort of thing + better than I do.</p> + + <p>Wire to him, and hand him over the money I've already + received, also ask him to start a "universally beneficent" + branch of Salvation Army. Receive reply, accepting my offer, in + no time! General adds that he has a staff appointment in his + Army waiting for me, and that he would like my good lady to + become a Salvation Lass. Requires consideration + and—hem—consultation!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/219.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/219.png" + alt="Geoffrey and his dog, Smut." /></a> + + <h3>EASY FOR THE JUDGES.</h3><i>Geoffrey</i> (<i>to + rejected Candidate for honours at the Dog Show</i>). "NEVER + MIND, SMUT! WE'LL HAVE A DOG SHOW THAT SHALL BE ALL CATS + EXCEPT YOU, AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE IT ALL YOUR OWN WAY!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT THE PASTEL EXHIBITION.</h3> + + <h4>IN THE ANTE-ROOM.</h4> + + <p><i>A Niece</i>. Just one moment, Auntie, dear; <i>do</i> + look and see what No. 295 is!</p> + + <p><i>Her Aunt</i> (<i>with a Catalogue—and a + conscience</i>). Two hundred and ninety-five! Before we have + even seen No. 1? No, my dear, no. Let us take things in their + proper order—or not at all. (<i>Perambulates the + galleries for some minutes, refraining religiously from looking + at anything but the numbers.</i>) Ah, <i>here</i> it + is—Number One! <i>Now</i>, ETHEL, I'm ready to tell you + anything you please!</p> + + <p><i>First Matter-of-Fact Person</i>. Ah, here's another of + the funny ones! [<i>Is suddenly seized with depression.</i></p> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> Y-yes. (<i>Examines it + gloomily.</i>) What's it all about?</p> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i> (<i>blankly</i>). Oh, well, it's a + Pastel—I don't suppose it's meant to be about anything in + particular, you know.</p> + + <p><i>The Conscientious Aunt</i> (<i>before No. 129</i>). + "<i>The Sprigged Frock</i>"? Yes, that must be the one. I + suppose those <i>are</i> meant for sprigs—but I can't + make out the pattern. She <i>might</i> have made her hair a + little tidier—such a bush! and I never <i>do</i> think + blue and green go well together, myself.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They come to a portrait of a charming lady in grey, + by</i> Mr. SOLOMON.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Niece</i> (<i>with a sense of being on firm ground at + last</i>). Why, it's ELLEN TERRY! See if it isn't, Auntie.</p> + + <p><i>The C.A.</i> (<i>referring to Catalogue</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The leaves of Memory seemed to</p> + + <p>Make a mournful rustling."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>—that's all it <i>says</i> about it.</p> + + <p><i>The Niece</i> (<i>finding a certain vagueness in this as + a description</i>). Oh! But there are <i>no</i> + leaves—unless it means the leaves in the book she's + reading. Still I think it <i>must</i> be ELLEN TERRY; don't + you?</p> + + <p><i>The C.A.</i> (<i>cautiously</i>.) Well, my dear, I always + think it's as well not to be too positive about a portrait till + you know who it was painted from.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Matter-of-Fact Persons <i>have arrived at a + Pastel representing several green and yellow ladies seated + undraped around a fountain, with fiddles suspended to the + branches above.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> "<i>Marigolds</i>," that's called. + I don't <i>see</i> any though. [<i>With a sense of being + imposed upon.</i></p> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i> I think <i>I</i> do—yes, those + orange spots in the green. They're meant for Marigolds, but + there aren't very many of them, are there? And why should they + all be sitting on the grass like that? Enough to give them + their deaths of cold!</p> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> I expect they've been bathing.</p> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i> They couldn't <i>all</i> bathe in + that fountain, and then what do you make of their bringing out + their violins?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The other</i> M.-of-F. Person <i>making nothing of + it, they pass on.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>An Irritable Philistine</i>. Nonsense, Sir, you + <i>can't</i> admire them, don't tell <i>me</i>! Do you mean to + say <i>you</i> ever saw all those blues, and greens, and + yellows, in Nature, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>His Companion</i>. I mean to say that that is how Nature + appears to an eye trained to see things in a true and not a + merely conventional light.</p> + + <p><i>The I.P.</i>. Then all <i>I</i> can say is, that if + things ever appeared to <i>me</i> as unconventionally as all + that, I should go straight home and take a couple of liver + pills, Sir. I should!</p> + + <p><i>First Frivolous Old Lady</i>. Here's another of them, my + dear. It's no use, we've <i>got</i> to admire it, this is the + kind of thing you and I must be educated up to in our old + age!</p> + + <p><i>Second F.O.L.</i> It makes me feel as if I was on board a + yacht, that's all I know—just look at the perspective in + that room, all slanted up!</p> + + <p><i>First F.O.L.</i> That's your ignorance, my dear, it's + quite the right perspective for a Pastel, it's our rooms that + are all wrong—not these clever young gentlemen.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They go about chuckling and poking old ladylike fun + at all the more eccentric Pastels, and continue to enjoy + themselves immensely.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P. (they have come to a Pastel depicting a + young woman seated on the Crescent Moon, nursing an + infant</i>). H'm—very peculiar. <i>I</i> never saw Diana + represented with a <i>baby</i> before—did <i>you</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> + No—(<i>hopefully</i>)—but perhaps it's intended for + somebody else. But it's <i>not</i> the place <i>I</i> should + choose to nurse an infant in. It doesn't look safe, and it + can't be very comfortable.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They go on into a smaller room, and come upon a + sketch of a small child, with an immense red mouth, and no + visible nose, eyes, or legs.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i> "<i>Little Girl in + Black</i>"—what a very plain child, to be sure!</p> + + <p><i>Second M.-of-F.P.</i> What there <i>is</i> of it; but it + looks to me as if the artist had spent so much time over the + black that he forgot to put in the little girl—he's got + her <i>mouth</i>, though.</p> + + <p><i>First M.-of-F.P.</i>. Well, if it was <i>my</i> child, I + should insist upon having the poor little thing more finished + than that—even if I had to pay extra for it.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A</i> Superior Person <i>has entered the West + Gallery, accompanied by a</i> Responsive Lady, <i>who has + already grasped the fact that a taste for Pastels is the + sure sign of a superior nature.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i>. Isn't that portrait quite wonderful! + Wouldn't you take it for an oil-painting?</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i>. One might—without some + experience—which is just where it is so entirely wrong. A + Pastel has no business to imitate the <i>technique</i> of any + other medium.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page220" + id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> Oh, I think you are <i>so</i> right. + Because, after all, it <i>is</i> only a Pastel, isn't it? and + it oughtn't to pretend to be anything else. (<i>She looks + reproachfully at the too ambitious Pastel</i>.) And it isn't as + if it was <i>successful</i>, either—it won't bear being + looked into at all closely.</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> You should never look at a Pastel closely; + they are meant to be seen from a distance.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> (<i>brightly</i>). Or else you miss the + effect? I <i>quite</i> see. Now, I like + <i>this</i>—(<i>indicating a vague and streaky little + picture</i>)—don't you? That's what I call a <i>real</i> + Pastel.</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> (<i>screwing up his eyes</i>). H'm! Yes. + Perhaps. Clever-ish. Suggestive.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> (<i>shocked</i>). Oh, <i>do</i> you think + so? I don't see anything of <i>that</i> kind in it—at + least, I don't think it can be <i>intentional</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> The beauty of Art <i>is</i> to suggest, to + give work for the imagination.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> (<i>recovering herself</i>). I know so + <i>exactly</i> what you mean—just as one makes all sorts + of things out of the patches of damp on an old ceiling?</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> Hardly. I should define Damp as the product + of Nature—not <i>Art</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> Oh, yes; if you put it in that way, of + <i>course</i>! I only meant it as an illustration—the two + things are really as different as possible. (<i>Changes the + subject.</i>) They don't seem to mind <i>what</i> coloured + paper they use for Pastels, do they?</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> (<i>oracularly</i>). It + is—er—always advisable in Pastels to use a tone of + paper to harmonise as nearly as possible with the particular + tone you—er—want. Because, you see, as the colour + doesn't always cover the <i>whole</i> of the paper, if the + paper which shows through is different in tone, + it—er—</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> Won't match? I <i>see</i>. How clever! + (<i>She arrives at a highly eccentric composition, and ventures + upon an independent opinion.</i>) Now I can't say I care for + <i>that</i>—there's so very little done to it, and what + there is is so glaring and <i>crude</i>, don't you think? I + call it <i>stupid</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The S.P.</i> I was just about to say that it is the + cleverest thing in the Exhibition—from an artistic point + of view. No special interest in it, but the scheme of colour + very harmonious—and very decorative.</p> + + <p><i>The R.L.</i> Oh, <i>isn't</i> it? That's <i>just</i> the + right word for it—it is <i>so</i> decorative! and I do + like the scheme of colour. Yes, it's very clever. I quite feel + <i>that</i> about it. (<i>With a gush</i>.) It is <i>so</i> + nice looking at pictures with somebody who has exactly the same + tastes as oneself. And I always <i>was</i> fond of + pastilles!</p> + + <p><i>A Pavement Pastellist</i> (<i>to a friend</i>). Well, + JIM, I dunno what <i>you</i> think, but I call it a shellin' + clean chucked away, I do. I come in yere,—hearin' as all + the subjicks was done in chorks, same as I do my own—I + come in on the chance o' pickin' up a notion or two as might be + useful to me in my perfession. But, Lor, they ain't got a ideer + among 'em, that they ain't! They ain't took the measure of the + popilar taste not by a nundred miles, they 'aven't. Why, I + ain't seen a single thing as I'd reckincile it to my conscience + to perduce before <i>my</i> public—there ain't 'ardly a + droring in the 'ole bloomin' show as I'd be seen settin' down + beyind! Put down some of these 'ere Pastellers to do a mouse a + nibbling at a candle, or a battle in the Soudang, or a rat + snifin' at a smashed hegg, and you'd soon see <i>they</i> was + no good! Precious few coppers 'ud fall into <i>their</i> 'ats, + I'll go bail! [<i>Exit indignantly, as Scene closes.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>EXCELLENT EXAMPLE.</h2> + + <p>In a recent trial for Breach of Promise, a letter was read + from Defendant saying that "he must now get a monkey;" + whereupon the "learned Under-Sheriff," as reported in the + <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, exclaimed, "A Monkey! What the goodness + does he mean?" Now, isn't that better than saying, "What the + deuce?" Of course, no doubt the learned Under-Sheriff is + suficiently learned to remember the old rhyme—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"There was an old man of Domingo</p> + + <p>Who'd a habit of swearing, 'By Jingo!'</p> + + <p class="i2">But a friend having come</p> + + <p class="i2">Who suggested 'By Gum!'</p> + + <p>He preferred it at once to 'By Jingo!'"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The goodness of the learned Under-Sheriff is worthy of all + praise, and of general imitation.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SWEETS TO THE SWEET.—It is stated that one of the + features of the Lord Mayor's Show this year is to be a + Detachment of the Survivors of the Balaclava Charge. This is an + excellent idea, that may be developed to almost any extent. + Could we not have the Hero who had read every Novel that has + been published during the last six months; the Brave Man who + has been to every Dramatic <i>Matinée</i> since January; + and the Scorner of Death, who has existed during an entire + season in the odours (sweet, or otherwise) of Kensington and + Tyburnia? The latter on the present occasion might immediately + precede the Lord MAYOR Elect, for, by association of ideas, he + would certainly serve as an excellent foil to Mr. Alderman + SAVORY!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—<i>Rentrée</i> of Miss MAGGIE + MCINTYRE, appropriately enough as <i>Margherita</i>. "She's + Macintyrely first-rate," says our <i>blasé</i> young + man, on being caught napping after the Opera, and interviewed + on the spot, "but can't say much for the rest,"—except + the rest he took himself.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:11%;"> + <a href="images/220-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Our Reporter hoff to the Hopera. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Our <i>blasé</i> young man went + to this, but as we only saw him for a moment passing in a cab, + when he looked out, and bade us a "Good night," we can only + suppose that it was "a good night" at the Opera. He writes to + say that the performance of <i>The Huguenots</i> was excellent, + GIULIA RAVOGLI being specially good, but the draughts too + strong. <i>What draughts?</i></p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/220-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/220-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Miss Damian as La Cieca feeling her way. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—<i>La Gioconda</i>. A good + performance all round. But the night specially memorable as + being the first appearance of Miss GRACE DAMIAN on the stage of + the Royal Italian Opera anywhere. It is a good omen for her + that she appeared in Signor PONCHIELLI's Opera, the composer + being a distant connection of the great ancient Italian family + of the PONCINELLI, of which <i>Mr. Punch</i> is now the chief + universal representative. It is a remarkable fact, too, showing + the strong force of canine attachment, which centuries cannot + obliterate, that the <i>Libretto</i> of <i>La Gioconda</i>, set + to music by Signor PONCHIELLI (the "h" came in when the genuine + liquid "n" was dropped) was written by TOBIA GORRIO. That an + Opera, written by TOBIA, or TOBY, and composed by PUNCINELLO, + should possess all the elements of success, goes without + saying. We welcome Signor GALASSI (a sporting title, reminding + us of <i>Gay Lass</i>), with MARIA PERI (who must appear in + <i>Il Paradiso</i>), and GIULIA RAVOGLI. Her Grace of DAMIAN + made a most successful <i>début</i> as <i>La Cieca</i>, + and was cheered to the echo. Thank Heaven, there isn't an echo + in Covent Garden—but, if there had been, Echo would have + repeated hospitably the "good cheer" a dozen times, as she does + somewhere about Killarney. Signor LAGO stars "HER MAJESTY THE + QUEEN" at the head of his bill, but it is only to say that Her + Gracious MAJESTY has been graciously pleased to honour him by + subscribing for the Royal Box during the present season, which + is, in effect, saying that he has <i>let the best box in the + house for a Sovereign!</i></p> + + <p><i>Thursday Night</i>.—ALBANI as the unhappy + <i>Traviata</i>. Big and enthusiastic House. Signor PADILLA, as + the Elder <i>Germont</i>, excellent, and just contrived most + gracefully to refuse the honour of an <i>encore</i> for his + "<i>Di Provenza</i>." Since RONCONI, it is difficult to call to + mind an artist equal histrionically to Signor PADILLA, who is + so grave and impressive as that utter bore, "the Elder + <i>Germont</i>," so gay and eccentric as <i>Figaro</i>, and so + dashing and reckless as the unscrupulous <i>Don Giovanni</i>. + That milksop, <i>Germont</i> Junior, known as <i>Alfredo</i>, + was adequately played by Signor GIANNINI, whose name, were it + spelt GIA-"NINNY," would partly describe the character he + represented.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night</i>.—Our <i>blasé</i> young man + writes to say, "I am suffering from effects of draughts at + Opera. Think it must be some Operatic air which has given me + cold. It's a gruel case for yours truly."</p> + + <p><i>Saturday Night</i>.—Occasion described as + "popular;" and, consequently, <i>Il Trovatore</i> announced. A + little old-fashioned, but what of that? VERDI just the composer + "to keep your memory green." Alas! cold once more to the front. + The <i>blasé</i> one "still off duty, so no reliable + report to hand." No doubt everything passed off pleasantly. + <i>Manrico</i> obviously, when on the stage, more of a man than + <i>Germont</i> Junior. The standing line has been, "large + audience much pleased with the entertainment." Altogether a + successful week.'</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MEM. FOR VISITORS TO LONDON.—Don't forget to look in + at the bird-pictures of STACEY MARKS, R.A. <i>Stay, see + Marks!</i> See Marks! They are land-marks in the history of + Modern Art.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.—NO. VI., "<i>Thrums on the + Auld String</i>," next week.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page221" + id="page221"></a>[pg 221]</span> + + <h2>TO ENGELBERG AND BACK.</h2> + + <h4><i>Being a few Notes taken en route in search of a Perfect + Cure.</i></h4> + + <p>"Give him another month here, and he'll be giving you all + the slip, and walking back to Calais on foot." Young JERRYMAN + is commenting on the wonderful restoration that has taken place + in the condition of the Dilapidated One, who has just been + detected having a row on the lake, all by himself. Not that + this is a very prodigious aquatic feat, seeing that three or + four good strokes either way take you either into the bank, or + on to the heels or tails of a couple of very ill-tempered, and + irascible swans, who appear to think, and with some reason, + that there's not too much waterway as it is, and resent the + intrusion of the boat on their domain as a ridiculous + superfluity. However, the effort is one that the Dilapidated + One would not have ventured on at his arrival a month since, + and as our time is up, and we are starting on our return + journey home in about half-an-hour's time, we hail it as an + indication that if he has not quite obtained the Perfect Cure, + that his medical man promised him, as the result of a trip to + this delightful spot, he is certainly not far off it.</p> + + <p>But the best things must come to an end, and so we find + ourselves at length, with much regret, taking our farewell of + that excellent and capitally-conducted "Perfect Kurhaus" the + Hôtel Titlis. And this reminds me, that in justice to + that establishment, I ought to state that some comments I made + last week on German feeding in general, in no way were meant to + refer to the <i>table d'hôte</i> at the Hôtel + Titlis, which, served in a lofty and well-ventilated + <i>salon</i>, lighted by electricity, to four hundred people + daily, a capitally well-appointed meal, is one of the notable + features of the place. The smoke-stifled children of the + Fatherland, who shut every window they come across when they + get a chance, though they would dearly like to, cannot carry + their tricks on here. Sometimes, but not very often, they rally + in force, and render the "<i>Grosser Gesellschafts Saal</i>" a + sort of Tophet to the ordinary Briton; but the "<i>Speise + Saal</i>", where smoking is "<i>verboten</i>," is happily + beyond their reach. But the hour of departure has come, and + quitting his comfortable establishment with much regret, we bid + good-bye to the courteous Herr CATTANI, and with a crack of the + whip we are off, dashing down the valley, and leaving Engelberg + up on its heights as a pleasant dream behind us.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/221-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/221-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Putting Up for the Winter. + </div> + + <p>And what is Engelberg? There is, first and foremost, <i>par + excellence</i>, the feature of the place—the Hôtel + Titlis; then the Monastery, with the Brethren of the Bell-rope; + and <i>the</i> Street. This is unique. Set out with a + <i>Châlet</i> here, a Swiss <i>Pension</i> there, a + Chapel perched up on a little hill on one side, and a neatly + new-made farmhouse stuck up on the other, with cattle (not + omitting their dinner-bells) dotted about here and there in the + bright green meadows that creep up to, and melt into, the + pine-woods stretching from the base of the grand rugged + snow-capped heights that tower in every direction above, you + get thoroughly impressed with the idea that the whole place is + nothing but a box of toys, set out for the season (probably by + the Monks), who, you feel convinced, are only waiting for the + departure of the last visitor, to get out the box, and + carefully pack away <i>Châlet</i>, and <i>Pension</i>, + Chapel and peasant for the winter months, with a view to + keeping them fresh for production in the early summer of next + year.</p> + + <p>However, whatever its fate, Engelberg is left behind us, and + we find ourselves tearing down the Practical Joking Engineers' + Road at a break-neck pace, and hurrying on to Calais, once more + to take our places on our steady old friend, the + <i>Calais-Douvres</i>, that helps to deposit us finally at + Charing Cross, where we are bound to admit that the air, + whatever it is, is emphatically <i>not</i> the air of + Engelberg. But everybody who has seen him, says the Dilapidated + One has come back "twice the man he was". So we must take it + that our journey has not been in vain.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ADDITIONAL TITLE.—Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, after his + brilliant letters in the <i>D.T.</i>, worthy of <i>The Light of + the World</i>, will be remembered in Japan as a "first-rate + sort of Jap."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/221-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/221-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>WELLS, GARDNER, DARTON & Co. publish a very good + selection of tales for young people. Among the best are + <i>Tom's Opinion</i>, a boy whose ever readily-expressed + opinion is made to change pretty often; and <i>Halt</i>! by the + same author. The title is suggestive of military manoeuvres, + but it's only a term for obeying quickly, which is hard to do + sometimes. <i>Gregory of the Foretop</i>, <i>Abbot's + Cleeve</i>, and <i>Going for a Soldier</i>, are three books + containing several stories suitable to mere grown-up young + people,—so the sooner they grow up the better for the + sale of the books. They are all edited by J. ERSKINE CLARKE, + M.A.</p> + + <p>FREDERICK WARNE & CO. give us <i>Young England's Nursery + Tales</i>, illustrated by CONSTANCE HASLEWOOD. <i>Noah's + Ark</i>, by DARLBY DALE, which is not the Ark of the nursery, + but a story of the Norfolk Broads. Perhaps "Norfolk Broads" + would have suggested stories that could <i>not</i> be told in a + drawing-room. As to <i>Bits about Horses for Every Day</i>, + selected and illustrated by S. TURNER,—well, what would + horses be without "bits?" These are not tit-bits. Might do for + a Bridle gift.</p> + + <p><i>The Love of a Lady</i>, by Miss ANNIE THOMAS, otherwise + Mrs. PENDER CUDLIP, like most of this authoress's novels, is + full of interest. It is in the regulation three volumes, but + appears as if it had wished to be in two, and would have been + had not large type insisted upon the addition of a third tome. + The love of a lady is transferred, during the course of the + story, from an artist, who appears in the last chapter "in + threadbare clothes, with broken, patched boots on his feet" + (not on his Hands, <i>bien entendu</i>), to a "well-tailored" + novelist. As the lady to whom "the love" originally belonged + was "a popular illustrator," it was only natural that the + question of appearances should play an important part in + determining its ultimate destination.</p> + + <p>Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM is never so much in his element as + when he revels in gore and guilt. In <i>Locusta</i>, in one + bulky volume, he tells of "the crime" and "the chastisement." + The first is associated with "a house with curtained windows," + "an Italian swordsman," "entombed," and "a maimed lion," and + the second is developed in chapters headed, "The Hunter lets + fly a Poisoned Shaft," "The Silver Dish of Tarts," "The First + Victim Falls," "A Dreadful Accuser," and last, but not least, + "The Vengeance is Crowned." As the story begins in 1612, and + ends with the words, "HENRY, Prince of WALES, art thou not + avenged?" it will be seen, that Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM has + seized this opportunity to pleasantly illustrate an incident + from English history.</p> + + <p>My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Land of Fancy. + He expresses delight at two books called respectively, + <i>Dreams by French Firesides</i> and <i>English Fairy + Tales</i>. The first is supposed to have been written before + Paris in 1870-71 by a German soldier who had turned his + thoughts to his home and children in the far-off Fatherland. + The second deals with British folk-lore, and is racy of the + soil. Both works are full of capital illustrations. He has, + moreover, read <i>He Went for a Soldier</i>, the WYNTER Annual + of JOHN STRANGE of that ilk. But what had the soldier done, + that "he" should "go for him"? The answer to this conundrum + will be ascertained on reading the book. <i>Nutshell + Novels</i>, by J. ASHBY STERRY, is also a volume that repays + perusal. The Lazy Poet has turned his leisure to good + account—the stories he tells are excellent.</p> + + <p>Had the delightfully original <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>, + and <i>Through the Looking-Glass</i>, never been written, I + doubt much if we should ever have seen <i>Maggie in + Mythica</i>, by F.B. DOVETON, who announces it apologetically, + as "his first"—perhaps it maybe his "unique" fairy + story,—and he adds, that he has "kept out of the beaten + track as far as possible." "<i>As far as possible</i>" is good, + for never was there such an example of the "sincerest flattery" + than in this undeniable imitation of <i>Alice in + Wonderland</i>. Some of the illustrations, by J. HARRINGTON + WILSON, are not quite as weak as the text, while the best of + them only serve to heighten our appreciation of "Our" Mr. + TENNIEL's pictures in <i>Alice</i>, and its companion volume. + But the very title, <i>Maggie in Mythica</i>, recalls at once + <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>, but the lovers of <i>Alice</i>, who + being attracted by this title may purchase this book under the + impression that "it is the same concern," will soon find out + their mistake, though it may perhaps amuse a very much younger + generation who know not <i>Alice</i>, if such a generation + exist, which muchly we beg to doubt. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & + Co.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page222" + id="page222"></a>[pg 222]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/222.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/222.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A MORNING CALL.</h3> + + <p><i>The Vicar</i>. "AND WHAT'S <i>YOUR</i> NAME, MY + DEAR?"</p> + + <p><i>Child of the Period</i>. "WELL—<i>YOU</i> OUGHT + TO KNOW! YOU <i>KWISTENED</i> ME!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Before Mr. Commissioner Punch.</i>)</h4> + + <h4><i>An Officer of Volunteers introduced.</i></h4> + + <p><i>The Commissioner</i>. Well, what can I do for you, + Captain?</p> + + <p><i>Officer of Volunteers</i>. Hush, Sir! If you were heard + to give me my military rank, you would be the cause of covering + me with ridicule!</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Ridicule! Are you <i>not</i> a Captain?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Certainly, Sir. I hold Her Majesty's Commission, + and am supposed to be one of the defenders of the country.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Then why should you not be credited with the + rank to which you are entitled?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Because, Sir, I am only a Captain of + Volunteers.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> But surely the British Army is composed + entirely of Volunteers?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> That is the national boast, Sir. But then, you + see, I receive no pay.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Which does not prevent you from working?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> On the contrary, Sir, nearly all my leisure is + devoted to the study of what I may, perhaps, be permitted to + call my supplementary profession.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> What are your duties?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Almost too numerous to enumerate. Before I + received my Commission, I had to undertake to make myself + proficient in everything appertaining to the rank to which I + was appointed. This entailed a month's hard work (five or six + hours a day in the barrack-square), at one of the Schools of + Instruction.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Well, let us suppose that you <i>have</i> + become duly qualified to command a company—what next?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Having reached this point, I find myself called + upon to work as hard as any Line officer on full pay. True, I + have not (except when the battalion is camping out, or taking + part in manoeuvres), to trouble myself with matters connected + with the Commissariat, but in every other respect my position + is exactly analogous to my brother officers in other branches + of the QUEEN's Service. I have to attend numerous drills, and + perform the duties, at stated intervals, of the Orderly Room. + Besides this, I have to see that every parade is well attended + by the men of my company. This entails, as you may imagine, + time and trouble.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> May I take it that it is less difficult to + command Volunteers than Regulars?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> That is a matter of opinion. If a Volunteer + officer can bring to bear his social position (for instance, + should his men be his tenants, or in his employment), he may + find the task of command an easy one. But should the battalion + to which he belongs be composed of that large class of persons + who consider "one man as good as another, and better," no + little tact is required in keeping up discipline. Besides this, + he starts at a disadvantage. Every retirement from the regiment + means the loss of an earner of the capitation grant; and as the + maintenance of a Volunteer corps is an exceedingly expensive + matter, a "free and independent private" feels that if he + withdraws, or is forced to withdraw, his officers are + practically the pecuniary sufferers of the proceeding.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Am I to understand then that the cost of a + battalion falls upon the commissioned rank?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Almost entirely. The officers have generally to + pay a heavy entrance fee, and subscription, and must, if they + wish to be popular, contribute largely to prize funds, + entertainments, and the cost of "marching out." Besides these + charges they have to be particularly hospitable or benevolent + (either word will do) to the companies to which they specially + belong.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Well, certainly, it seems that an Officer of + Volunteers has many responsibilities—what are his + privileges?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Only one is officially recognised—the + right to be snubbed!</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> And the result?</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> That there is scarcely a corps in the kingdom + without vacancies. Men nowadays, fail to see the fun of all + work and no pay, play, or anything else. This very week a + meeting is being held at the Royal United Service Institution, + to consider what can be done to advance the interests of the + officers—another word for the interests of the whole + force.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> You have my sympathy, and if I can help + you—</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> Not another word, Sir. The good services of + <i>Mr. Punch</i> for the last thirty years are appreciated by + all of us, and we know we can rely upon him as confidently in + the future as we have done with good reason in the past. + [<i>The Witness then retired.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page223" + id="page223"></a>[pg 223]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/223.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/223.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"SAME OLD GAME!"</h3>OLD LADY OF THREADNEEDLE STREET. + "YOU'VE GOT YOURSELVES INTO A NICE MESS WITH YOUR PRECIOUS + '<i>SPECULATION</i>!' WELL—I'LL HELP YOU OUT OF + IT,—<i>FOR THIS ONCE!!</i>" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page225" + id="page225"></a>[pg 225]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/225-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/225-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>FANCY SKETCH FOR NOVEMBER 5.</h3>MAGISTRATE LETTING OFF + A CRACKER WITH A LITTLE CAUTION. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Handbook to Honesty.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>NO. IV.—THE GRAND OLD (JOBBING) GARDENER.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>the Garden of a modest Suburban Villa. + Present</i>, Simple Citizen, <i>with budding horticultural + ambitions, and</i> Jobbing Gardener, <i>"highly + recommended" for skill and low charges. The latter is a + grizzled personage, very bowed as to back, and baggy as to + breeches, but in his manner combining oracular + "knowingness" and deferential plausibility in a remarkable + degree.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Simple Citizen</i>. You see SMUGGINS, things are a little + bit in the rough here, at present.</p> + + <p><i>Grand Old Gardener</i>. Ah, you may well say that, Sir! + Bin allowed to run to rack <i>and</i> ruin, this here pooty bit + o' garding has. Want a lot o' clearing, scurryfunging, and + topping and lopping, afore it'll look anythink like. But it's + got the making of a puffeck parrydise in it, a puffeck + parrydise it has—<i>with</i> my adwice.</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> Glad to hear you say so, SMUGGINS. Now what I + propose is—</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>laying a horny hand on</i> S.C.'s + <i>coat-sleeve</i>). If you'll ascuse me, Sir, I'll jest give + yer <i>my</i> ideas. It'll save time. (<i>Lays down artfully + the lines of a plan involving radical alteration of paths, and + lawns, and beds, shifting of shrubs, cutting down of trees, + rooting up of trailers, and what he calls "toppin' an' loppin'" + to a tremendous extent.</i>) <i>Then</i>, Sir, you'll 'ave a + bit o' garding as'll be the pride o' yer eye, and a tidy bit o' + profit into the bargain, or I don't know my bizness. An' I + <i>oughter</i> too, seeing as I wos 'ed gardener to the Dook of + FITZ-FUZZ for close on twenty year, afore the rheumaticks took + me like wot you see. Hu-a-a-h!!!</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> Yes; but, SMUGGINS, all these alterations will + run into time and—expense, I'm afraid.</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>confidentially).</i> You leave that to + <i>me</i>, Sir! The fust expense'll be the biggest, and a + saving in the long run, take <i>my</i> word. And then you + <i>will</i> 'ave a garding, <i>you</i> will, one as that 'ere + muddled up bit o' greenery nex door won't be a patch on it, for + all he's so proud of it.(<i>Gets</i> Simple Citizen <i>into his + clutches, and works him to his will</i>.)</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE II.—<i>The Same, six months later in the + Season.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> (<i>returning from a fortnight's absence</i>). + What, SMUGGINS, still at it? And—eh—by Jove, what + <i>have</i> you been up to? Why I hardly know the place + again!</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>complacently</i>). I should 'ope not, Sir + It <i>is</i> a bit different from when you last saw it, I + flatter myself. Fact it is a garding, now. <i>Then</i> it wos a + wildernidge!</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> Yes, but SMUGGINS, hang it all, you've cut + almost every bit of greenery away!</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Greenery!!! And who + wants <i>greenery</i>? Greenery ain't gardening, greenery ain't + not by chorks. Any fool, even that cove nex door, can grow + <i>greenery</i>!</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> Yes, but SMUGGINS, I <i>don't</i> like my limes + to look like gouty posts, my branchy elms to show as bare as + broom-sticks, and my fruit-trees to be trimmed into + timber-screens!</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>persuasively</i>). No, Sir, cert'ny + <i>not</i>. Fact is they'd bin let grow wild so long that + cutting on 'em freely back wos the only way to save 'em. Jest + wait till next year, Sir, and <i>you</i>'ll see.</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> (<i>doubtfully</i>). Humph! Looks beastly now, + anyhow. And you've altered all the paths, and nearly all the + beds. I didn't tell you—</p> + + <p><i>G.O.G.</i> (<i>emphatically</i>). No, Sir, you didn't. + You give me <i>cart blarnch</i>, you did, and I've done my + level best. The Dook 'ad the same idees at first, but when he + comes to know me, he says, says he, SMUGGINS, you're always + right, he says. If you wos to run a reaping-machine through my + horchids, or a traction-engine over my turf, I should know as + you wos a-doing of the right thing—<i>in</i> the long + run! Oh, you leave it to me, Sir, and you won't repent it. + And—ahem—here's my little haccount, + Sir,—<i>hup</i> to date.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Presents dirty piece of blue paper, giving scanty + details, and a spanking total</i>. Simple Citizen <i>pays, + and tries to look pleasant.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/225-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/225-2.png" + alt="Grand Old Gardener and Simple Citizen." /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE III.—<i>The Same, six months later. + Present,</i> Simple Citizen, <i>and a</i> Sympathetic + Friend.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Sympathetic Friend</i>. Well, well, it <i>does</i> look a + waste, APPLEYARD.</p> + + <p><i>Simple Citizen</i> (<i>purple</i>). A waste! I should + think it <i>did</i>. indeed! And to think of the pretty, green, + bowery place it was when I took it! Unprofitable, perhaps, but + pleasant. Now it is neither pleasant <i>nor</i> profitable.</p> + + <p><i>S.F.</i> And all through that rascally ravaging + SMUGGINS?</p> + + <p><i>S.C.</i> (<i>furiously</i>). The scoundrel!—the + sleek, insinuating, slaughtering scoundrel! He tore up my + paths, he altered my beds, he mutilated my lawns, he stripped + my trailers, he hacked my trees into bare hideousness, all to + make work and money for himself and his partner in iniquity, + that nefarious "florist" friend of his. I was a greenhorn, + MUMPSON, a juggins, and I let them fool me to the top of my + bent. He cut up the shrubbery into those horrible flat beds, in + order that I might "grow my hown wegerbles," as he phrased it. + He got money from me for the best and most expensive "ashleaf + kidneys" and "Prooshian Blues," then planted cheap refuse from + a small greengrocer's. My "ashleaf kidneys" turned out waxy + marbles; my Prooshian Blues refused to pod; I spent—or + rather he received—pounds upon my vinery and cucumber + frames. My grape-bunches went mouldy, and I never got a + cucumber more than six inches long. His "friend, the florist," + did, no doubt. He stole my shrubs overnight, and sold 'em back + to me next morning. He bled my maidservants for "beer and + 'baccy." In fact, it was the same all round; he had, in every + way, ruined my garden, run me up exorbitant bills, and then, + when the day of detection was imminent—disappeared. If + ever I catch sight of that mulberry nose of his, I shall be + tempted to—</p> + + <p><i>S.F.</i> (<i>soothingly</i>). Ah, yes, just so. But let's + hope that you'll never come across this particular Grand Old + Gardener—or his like—again. (<i>Waggishly.</i>) By + Jove, APPLEYARD, no wonder the world went wrong, seeing that + "the first man" was—a Gardener!!!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LEARNED BY ART.—"Beasts in Bond Street!" "Sheep in the + Salon!" Messrs. DOWDESWELLS have taken the wind out of the + sails of the Agricultural Hall, and Mr. DENOVAN ADAM has given + us the opportunity of seeing a superb collection of Scottish + Highland Cattle. Mountain, meadow, moss and moor have all been + laid under contribution. The result is we can have the chance + of studying these hornymental animals without being tossed, and + staring at them without being gored. In the same gallery may be + seen a series of pastels of Hampstead Heath, by Mr. HENRY + MUHRMAN—a merman ought to be a sea-painter by rights, but + no matter! The poet has told us that, "'Amsted am the place to + ruralise on a summer's day!" The artist convinces us it is the + place to "pastelise," and he seems to have pastelised to the + tune of forty pictures very successfully.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page226" + id="page226"></a>[pg 226]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/226.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/226.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW OF THE FUTURE.</h3>In consequence + of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS becoming Sheriff, it is expected + that additional lustre will be given to a future Mayoralty + by the leading Members of "THE Profession" taking to Civic + Life. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page227" + id="page227"></a>[pg 227]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/227-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/227-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>'ARRY IN ST. PETERSBURGH.</h3>HE TRIES TO MAKE A + DROSKI-DRIVER UNDERSTAND THAT HE COULD HAVE GONE THE SAME + DISTANCE IN A HANSOM FOR LESS MONEY. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.</h2> + + <h4><i>Par ci—par la!</i></h4> + + <p>"A good par here, and a bad par there; here a par, and there + a par, and everywhere a par!" Indeed, as an Irishman would say, + it is the Judgment of Pars. Let us look in at the Institute, + and see the Painters in Ile, and no doubt we shall be iley + delighted. We go on the pre-private view day. Not that we are + parsimonious, but we prefer to see the pictures without being + scrouged.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <h4>"PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF + NOVEMBER."</h4><a href="images/227-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/227-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Hoisted with his own Petar—Guy + Fawkes blown up. + </div> + + <p>"<i>The Release</i>" is a puzzler. We have taken stock of + Mr. STOCK's picture, and fail to understand it. Is it LULU or + ZAZEL? There seems to have been an explosion, and one person, + lightly attired, is blown up; and another, more warmly clad, is + blown down. They will both probably catch cold. Nothing hazy + about Mr. HAYES's pictures. On the contrary, fresh and + brilliant—notably, "<i>A Grey Sunset.</i>" If you are + subject to <i>mal-de-mer</i>, his seas will make you onaisy. + The President, Sir JAMES LINTON, has only two small pictures, + both cleverly painted, but each may be described as a little + LINTON; so let us give him a little hint on the subject; like + OLIVER TWIST, we ask for more. "<i>Too Many Cooks</i>," by + BURTON BARBER—a Barber who knows how to dress hair. See + the dogs' coats. Miss ETHEL WRIGHT is not very far wrong in her + picture of a fair <i>canoiste</i>, and Mr. W.L. WYLLIE is both + artful and wily in his rendering of a "<i>A Sou' Wester</i>." + "<i>An Old Harbour in Sussex</i>" gives distinct evidence that + LEWIS (C.J.) has been moved to the coast, and it seems to be a + move in the right direction. In "<i>The Red Canoe</i>," Mr. + ALFRED PARSONS delivers an eloquent sermon on the joys of life + on the Thames.</p> + + <p>The Royal Society of British Artists have fewer pictures + than usual at their new show. Quality better than common. Mr. + F. BRANGWYN's "<i>Funeral at Sea</i>" is excellent. Mr. R. + MACHELL's "<i>Lakshmi</i>," not easy to understand. It might be + "Lakshmi, or the Lost Bathing-dress." She might certainly say, + "I lacks my <i>costume de bain</i>." "<i>Durham</i>"—good + landscape by Mr. YGLESIAS. Mr. NELSON DAWSON in his "<i>Sunset + Breeze</i>," gives us real sea and good seamanship. In + "<i>Trying it Over</i>," Mr. LOMAX has tried it over to some + purpose, and has produced a successful little picture of an + enthusiastic flautist. Mr. G.F. WATTS sends "<i>Lord + Tennyson</i>." But why in ermine? The Laureate is quite good + enough for us without his Peer's robes. What did HARRY THE + EIGHTH say concerning HOLBEIN? Anything more to see? Of course + there is. But what is my text? "Pars about Pictures." And so I + pass about. <i>I</i> mustn't linger, but remain</p> + + <p>Yours par-ticularly,</p> + + <p>OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>GOLF VICTOR!</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sir Golf and Sir Tennis are fighting like + mad—</p> + + <p class="i2">Now Sir Tennis is blown, and Sir Golf's + right above him,</p> + + <p>And his face has a look that is weary and sad,</p> + + <p class="i2">As he hastily turns to the ladies, who + love him,</p> + + <p>But the racket falls from him, he totters, and + swirls,</p> + + <p>As he hears them cry, "Golf is the game for the + girls!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The girls crave for freedom, they cannot endure</p> + + <p class="i2">To be cramped up at Tennis in courts that + are poky,</p> + + <p>And they're all of them certainly, perfectly + sure</p> + + <p class="i2">That they'll never again touch "that + horrible Croquet,"</p> + + <p>Where it's quite on the cards that they play with + Papa,</p> + + <p>And where all that goes on is surveyed by Mamma.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To Golf on the downs for the whole of the day</p> + + <p class="i2">Is "so awfully jolly," they keep on + asserting,</p> + + <p>With a good-looking fellow to teach you the way,</p> + + <p class="i2">And to fill up the time with some + innocent flirting,</p> + + <p>And it may be the maiden is wooed and is won,</p> + + <p>Ere the whole of the round is completed and + done.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Henceforward, then, Golf is the game for the + fair—</p> + + <p class="i2">At home, and abroad, or in pastures + Colonial,</p> + + <p>And the shouts of the ladies will quite fill the + air</p> + + <p class="i2">For the Links that will turn into bonds + Matrimonial,</p> + + <p>And for husbands our daughters in future will + seek</p> + + <p>With the powerful aid of the putter and cleek!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CORRESPONDENCE SPECIAL.—KNOODEL, of Knoodel Court, + writes to us:—"Sir,—I have recently come across the + name 'bacteriologist.' Is it a new name for a person who writes + ill of another behind his back? If so, the best remedy for the + mischief he causes is a criminal action." [Our advice to + KNOODEL is, "Consult a Solicitor."—ED.]</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"CARMEN UP TO DATE AT THE GAIETY."—"Approbation of + Miss ALMA STANLEY is praise indeed." The correct quotation + adapted <i>à la fin du Siècle</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page228" + id="page228"></a>[pg 228]</span> + + <h2>IN OUR GARDEN.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/228.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/228.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday Morning</i>.—Still in Edinburgh, but going + home to-night. Just received telegram from Member for SARK. + "Come home at once," he says; "the <i>Peronospora + Schleideniana</i> has got at the onions."</p> + + <p>Rather a shock to have news like this flashed upon one with + that absence of deliberation that sometimes marks the telegraph + service. But I cannot say I am surprised. I had, indeed, before + leaving, called SARK's attention to what I recognised as the + greyish mycelial threads of the fungus spreading upon the pipes + and budding seed-heads. If SARK had steeped the seed in + sulphate of copper before planting it, this wouldn't have + happened. It's a pity, for I rather thought we would make + something towards expenses out of that onion-bed. There's no + more profitable crop than your pickling onions if well farmed. + I know a man who made £150 an acre out of his onions. But + then he wasn't hampered in his arrangements with a fellow like + SARK.</p> + + <p>Called on Mr. G. to say good-bye. He was sympathetic about + the onion blight, but I could see that his mind was occupied + with other and perhaps equally saddening thoughts.</p> + + <p>"I suppose you have been made aware of the intelligence that + has reached me through the usual sources?" he said. "I have had + a pretty good time here. I have belaboured the Government from + all points of attack. I think I managed pretty well with the + Disestablishment Question. You don't think, TOBY," he said, + with a passing look of deeper apprehension, "that I gave myself + away at all on the matter? The worst of these fellows is that + they keep a record of every word I say, a custom which + seriously hampers one in his movements. What I should like, if + it were permitted, would be to come quite fresh to a question + year after year, and say upon it exactly what happened to be + convenient, without having before my eyes the certainty that + somebody would dig out what I said on the same subject last + year, or five years ago."</p> + + <p>I assured him that I thought not much could be made out of + his remarks on Disestablishment Question. In fact it would be + difficult to prove that he had said anything at all. Brightened + up at this; but cloud again deepened over his mobile face.</p> + + <p>"Yes, perhaps I've done pretty well," he said, with a sigh. + "I have steered through a very difficult position without + running ashore; I have had an immense popular reception; I have + stirred up the constituency, and have, if I may say so, + supplied with fresh oil the sacred lamp of Liberalism. Now, + just when I was beginning in some modest measure to felicitate + myself, there comes news of a crushing master-stroke devised by + the Government. Though I do not disguise my discomfiture, I + would not withhold my tribute of admiration at the brilliancy + of the stroke, of the genius of its conception, and of the + completeness with which it has been dealt. I have been here + more than a week, and have delivered four speeches. The + Government and their friends on the platform and in the press + affect to sneer at my efforts and their influence. Still, they + feel it is necessary to make a counter-demonstration, and to + effectually undo whatever work I may have accomplished. What + course do they adopt? Why, they send down ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. He + was at Dalkeith last night, and, in a single speech, destroyed + the effect of my great effort of Saturday. He will go to West + Calder; he will come here; he will follow me step by step with + relentless energy, tearing up, so to speak, the rails I have + laid, and which I had hoped would have safely conducted the + Liberal train into the Westminster station. <i>Sic vos non + vobis</i>. It is cruel, it is crushing. If I had only foreseen + it, I would have remained at Hawarden, and you might have + averted the calamity that overshadows your Garden."</p> + + <p>Quite distressed to see my venerated friend broken down. Bad + for him to stop at home and brood over calamity. Best thing + would be change of scene and thought. He had made engagement + to-day to go to Pumpherston and inspect oil and candle works. + Better keep it.</p> + + <p>"No," said Mr. G., wearily, "oil comforts me not, nor + candles either. Now, if it were pork, it would be different. + Few things so interesting as pork. Not from a dietetic point of + view, but regarded historically. As I mentioned to a + Correspondent the other day, in the course of Homeric work I + have examined into the use of pork by the ancients. A very + curious subject. I shall make some references to it in the + closing paper which I am writing for <i>Good Words</i> on the + Old Testament. I am under the impression that the dangers which + lurk beneath the integument of a leg (or sirloin) of pork, are + specially connected with the heat of Southern climates."</p> + + <p>Curious to see how rapidly his aspect changed as these + thoughts pressed upon his mind. When I came in, he had been + sitting in an arm-chair, with his head resting on his hand, and + his brow painfully wrinkled. He looked quite old—at least + seventy. Now he was up, walking about the room with springy + stride, his mind actively engaged in framing theories on the + use of pork by HOMER's contemporaries. If I could only keep him + engaged, he would forget the blow that had descended upon him, + and would regain his usual equanimity. A question as to whether + he thought Achilles liked sage with his pork, cunningly led him + on to a long disquisition, till, in a quarter of an hour, he + was quite a changed man, and set out with great energy for + Pumpherston.</p> + + <p>Fine enthusiasm along the route. Immense reception from the + working men. Splendid luncheon set out at one end of the shed + where we were assembled; bill of fare included crude oil, + sulphate of ammonia, various mineral oils, and candles made + from paraffin. There was no wine, but plenty of ammonia-water. + Manager presented Mrs. G. with bust in paraffin wax, which he + said was Mr. G. Also handed her a packet of dips cunningly + carved in the likeness of HERBERT, the wick combed out so as to + represent a shock of hair. Mr. G. delighted; standing on a + barrel of paraffin, he addressed the company in a luminous + speech, tracing back the candle to the earliest times. That + candles existed in the Mosaic era, he reminded them, was shown + by the question which had puzzled succeeding ages—as to + the precise locality in which the great Law-giver stood when + the medium of illumination provided for his convenience was + suddenly extinguished. This was a great hit; enthusiasm knew no + bounds. Hospitality of the Pumpherston people really + embarrassing; they filled our pockets with candles of all sizes + and descriptions, and insisted upon each of us taking away a + quart bottle of paraffin oil imperfectly corked.</p> + + <p>Never shall I forget the radiant look of Mr. G. as he left + the works loaded with candles and congratulations, whilst Mrs. + G., walking by his side, carefully carried the bust in paraffin + wax. He had evidently forgotten all about ASHMEAD-BARTLETT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>DEATH-BALL; OR, A NEW NAME FOR IT.</h2> + + <p>Yesterday the celebrated Midland Spine-splitters met the + Ribcracking Rovers at the prepared Ambulance Grounds recently + opened in conjunction with the local County Hospital. A large + staff of medical men, supplied with all the necessary surgical + appliances, were in attendance. Play commenced effectively, the + Rovers keeping the ball well before them, with only a few + broken arms, a dislocated thigh, and a fractured jaw or two. + Later, however, affairs moved more briskly, one of the + Spine-splitter forwards getting the ball well down to goal; + but, being met with "opposition," he was carried senseless from + the field. A lively scrimmage followed, amid a general cracking + of ribs and snapping of spines. The field now being covered + with wounded, the Police interfered, and the play terminated in + a draw.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PIECE WITH HONOUR AT THE AVENUE.—The successful and + pretty little play just produced at Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER's + theatre may be described as more "<i>Shadow</i>" than + "<i>Sunlight</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A SAFE COURSE.—A German physician, Dr. KOCH, hopes to + benefit humanity by his new cure for Consumption. At present he + is reticent on the subject, and he won't speak till he is KOCH + sure.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., November 8, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12469-h.htm or 12469-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12469/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., November 8, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12469] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +November 8, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. V.--MIGNON'S MESS-ROOM. + +(_BY_ TOM RUM SUMMER, _AUTHOR OF "MIGNON'S MA," "MIGNON'S HUB," +"FOOTLE'S FATHER," "TOOTLE'S TOOTSIE," "UGLY TOM," "YOUR RICH +RICHARD," "A BABY IN BARRACKS," "STUCK," "HOOP-LORE," "WENT FOR THAT +PLEECEMAN," &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C., &C._) + + ["This," writes the eminent Author, "is a _real, true_ story + of the life of soldiers and children. Soldiers are _grand, + noble_ fellows. They are so _manly_, and all smoke a great + deal of tobacco. My drawl is the only genuine one. I could do + a lot more of the same sort, but I charge extra for pathos. + I'm a man.--T.R.S."] + +CHAPTER I. + + "Three blind mice-- + See how they run." + --_Old Song_, + +The Officers of the Purple Dragoons were gathered together in their +ante-room. It was a way they had. They were all there. Grand fellows, +too, most of them--tall, broad-shouldered, and silky-haired, and as +good as gold. That gets tiresome after a time, but everything can be +set right with one downright rascally villain--a villain, mind you, +that poor, weak women, know nothing about. GAVOR was that kind of man. +Of course that was why he was to break his neck, and get smashed up +generally. But I am anticipating, and a man should never anticipate. +EMILY, for instance, never did. EMILY--Captain EMILY, of the Purple +Dragoons--was the biggest fool in the Service. Everybody told him so; +and EMILY, who had a trustful, loving nature, always believed what he +was told. + +[Illustration] + +"I nev-ah twry," he used to say--it was a difficult word to pronounce, +but EMILY always stuck to it as only a soldier can. and got it out +somehow--"I nev-ah twry to wremember things the wwrong way wround." + +A roar of laughter greeted this sally. They all knew he meant +"anticipate," but they all loved their EMILY far too well to set him +right. + +"'Pon my soul," he continued, "it's quite twrue. You fellows may +wroawr wiv laughtewr if you like, but it's twrue, and you know it's +twrne." + +There was another explosion of what EMILY would have called +"mewrwriment," at this, for it was well-known to be one of the +gallant dragoon's most humorous efforts. A somewhat protracted silence +followed. FOOTLES, however, took it in both hands, and broke it with +no greater emotion than he would have shown if he had been called +upon to charge a whole squadron of Leicestershire Bullfinches, or +to command a Lord Mayor's escort on the 9th of November. Dear old +FOOTLES! He wasn't clever, no Purple Dragoon could be, but he wasn't +the biggest fool in the Service, like EMILY, and all the rest of them. +Still he loved another's. + +In fact, whenever a Purple Dragoon fell in love, the object of his +affections immediately pretended to love someone else. Hard lines, but +soldiers were born to suffer. It is so easy, so true, so usual to say, +"there's another day to-morrow," but that never helped even a Purple +Dragoon to worry through to-day any the quicker. Poor, brave, noble, +drawling, manly, pipe-smoking fellows! On this particular occasion +FOOTLES uttered only one word. It was short, and began with the +fourth letter of the alphabet. But he may be pardoned, for some of the +glowing embers from his magnificent briar-wood pipe had dropped on to +his regulation overalls. The result was painful--to FOOTLES. All the +others laughed as well as they could, with clays, meerschaums, briars, +and asbestos pipes in their mouths. And through the thick cloud of +scented smoke the mess-waiter came into the room, bearing in his hand +a large registered letter, and coughing violently. + +CHAPTER II. + + "The mouse ran up the clock." + --_Nursery Rhyme_. + +The waiter advanced slowly to FOOTLES, and handed him the letter. +FOOTLES took it meditatively, and turned it over in both hands. The +post-marks were illegible, and the envelope much crumpled. "Never +mind," thought FOOTLES, to himself, "it will dry straight--it will +dry straight." He always thought this twice, because it was one of his +favourite phrases. At last he decided to open it. As he broke the seal +a little cry was heard, and suddenly, before even EMILY had had time +to say "I nev-ah!" a charming and beautifully dressed girl, of about +fifteen summers, sprang lightly from the packet on to the mess-room +floor, and kissed her pretty little hand to the astonished Dragoons. + +"You're FOOTLES," she said, skipping up to the thunder-stricken owner +of the name. "I know you very well. I'm going to be your daughter, +and you're going to marry my mother. Oh, it's all right," she +continued, as she observed FOOTLES press his right hand convulsively +to the precise spot on his gorgeous mess-waistcoat under which he +imagined his heart to be situated, "it's all right. Pa's going to +be comfortably killed, and put out of the way, and then you'll +marry darling Mamma. She'll be a thousand times more beautiful at +thirty-three than she was at twenty-two, and _ever_ so much more +lovely at fifty-five than at thirty-three. So it's a good bargain, +isn't it, EM?" This to EMILY, who appeared confused. She trotted up +to him, and laid her soft blooming cheek against his blooming hard +one. "Never mind, EM," she lisped, "everything is bound to come out +right. I've settled it all"--this with a triumphant look on her +baby-face--"with the author; such a splendid writer, none of your +twaddling women-scribblers, but a real man, and a great friend of +mine. I'm to marry you, EM. You don't know it, because you once loved +NAOMI, who 'mawrwried the Wrevewrend SOLOMON'"--at this point most +of the Purple Dragoons were rude enough to yawn openly. She paid no +attention to them--"and now you love OLIVE, but she loves PARKACK, +and he doesn't love her, so she has got to marry PARKOSS, whom she +doesn't love. Their initials are the same, and everybody knows their +caligraphy is exactly alike," she went on wearily, "so that's how the +mistake arose. It's a bit far-fetched, but," and her arch smile as she +said this would have melted a harder heart than Captain EMILY's, "we +mustn't be too particular in a soldier's tale, you know." + +As she concluded her remarks the door opened, and Colonel PURSER +entered the room. + +CHAPTER III. + + "Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man." + --_Old Ballad_. + +Colonel PURSER was a stout, plethoric man. He was five feet seven +inches high, forty-five inches round the chest, fifty inches round +the waist, and every inch of him was a soldier. He was, therefore, a +host in himself. He gasped, and turned red, but, like a real soldier, +at once grasped the situation. The Colonel was powerful, and the +situation, in spite of all my pains, was not a strong one. The +struggle was short. + +"Pardon me," said the Colonel, when he had recovered his wind, "is +your name MIGNON?" + +"Yes," she replied, as the tears brimmed over in her lovely eyes, +"it is. I am a simple soldier's child, but, oh, I can run so +beautifully--through ever so many volumes, and lots of editions. In +fact," she added, confidentially, "I don't see why I should stop at +all, do you? EMILY _must_ marry me. He can't marry OLIVE, because +Dame Nature put in _her_ eyes with a dirty finger. Ugh! I've got +blue eyes." + +"But," retorted the Colonel, quickly, "shall you never quarrel?" + +"Oh yes," answered MIGNON, "there will come a rift in the hitherto +perfect lute of our friendship (the rift's name will be DARKEY), but +we shall manage to bridge it over--at least TOM RUM SUMMER says so." +Here EMILY broke in. He could stand it no longer. "Dash it, you know, +this is wewry extwraowrdinawry, wewry extwraowrdinawry indeed," he +observed; "You'wre a most wremawrkable young woman, you know." + +A shout of laughter followed this remark, and in the fog of +tobacco-smoke Colonel PURSER could be dimly seen draining a magnum +of champagne. + +CHAPTER IV. + + "Hey diddle, diddle." + --_Songs and Romances_. + +Everything fell out exactly as MIGNON prophesied. But if you think +that you've come to the end of MIGNON, I can only say you're very much +astray, or as EMILY, with his smooth silky voice, and his smoother +silkier manners, would have said, "You'wre wewry much astwray." See my +next dozen stories. + + THE END. (_Pro tem._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD STUMPER. + +"WHAT IS FASHION? 'AFTER A FASHION HAS BEEN DISCARDED--IF YOU HAVE +ONLY PATIENCE TO WAIT LONG ENOUGH--YOU WILL FIND YOU WILL GET BACK TO +IT.' LOOK AT MY COLLARS!--AND UMBRELLA!!" [_See Mr. Gladstone's Speech +during the recent Midlothian Campaign._)] + +AIR--"_WAIT A LITTLE LONGER._" + + There's a good time coming, friends, + That flood is flowing stronger; + The reigning mode in failure ends, + Wait a little longer! + Fashion _is_ ever on the wing, + Arch-enemy of Beauty. + Now, when we get a first-rate thing, + To stick to it's our duty. + But no, the whirling wheel must whirl, + The zig-zag go zig-zagging; + The wig to-day must crisply curl, + That yesterday was bagging. + But good things _do_ come "bock agen." + For banishment but stronger + (With bonnets or with Grand Old Men), + Wait a little longer! + + From Eighty unto Eighty-Five + These collars were the rage, friends; + Didn't we keep the game alive, + In spite of creeping age, friends? + But oh, that horrid Eighty-Six! + They deemed me fairly settled, + As though just ferried o'er the Styx, + But I was tougher mettled. + I knew the fashion would return + For just this size of collar. + (And that's a lesson they'll soon learn, + You bet your bottom dollar.) + Bless you, I'm "popping up again," + For four years' fighting stronger. + Once more I'm here to fire the train-- + Wait a little longer! + + I've told you all about BALFOUR, + And his black Irish scandals; + (With side-lights upon days of yore, + My bachelor life, and candles.) + I've touched on Disestablishment + (I trust you'll not say _thinly_), + On Eight Hours Bills a speech I've spent, + And scarified M'KINLEY. + And now, to wind up, I'll explain + My favourite views on Fashion: + _Big Collars will come back again!!!_ + 'Twill raise the Tories' passion. + But, with these Collars, this Umbrella, + I'd face them, though thrice stronger! + Friends--trust once more your Grand Old Fella, + And--wait a _leetle_ longer! + + * * * * * + +A BOOTHIFUL IDEA! + +Just finished my article on "Antediluvian Archaeology in its relation +to Genesis and the Iliad," and now all that remains to do is to +carry the rest of my books down to the new library, make catalogue, +consider subjects for five more speeches, write thirty-six letters and +postcards, and polish off the ten last clauses of the Home-Rule Bill. +This idleness is oppressive. Not used to it. What shall I do? + +Piles of correspondence by morning post! What _can_ this be about? +Ah! I remember now! _Nineteenth Century_ just out, of course. Glad +I thought of starting "Society of Universal Beneficence." Will keep +me going after excitement of Midlothian. Wonder how many people +will "bind themselves to give away a fixed proportion of their +income,"--also what the proportion will be, if they do. Don't know if +I _should_ have thought of it, if it hadn't been for General BOOTH's +book. Remarkable person, the General. Perhaps he'd order his Army to +vote solid for Home Rule, if I offered him a place in my next Cabinet? +Must sound him on the subject. Salvationists quite a power now. Can't +cut Field-Marshal VON BOOTH _up_ in a Magazine, so must cut him _out_ +instead! + +Ha! Letter from LABOUCHERE, of all people. H--m! Says he's "glad to +see I've started Universal Beneficence Society. Thought of doing so +himself once." Congratulates me on turning my attention to "Social +Reform." Says he thinks it's an "Ecclesent idea,"--he must mean +"Excellent," surely! + +"Inquirer"--(post-mark, Hatfield. Curious circumstance, +rather)--writes to ask for details of the Society. "Prefers at present +to remain anonymous," but an answer sent to "S., Hatfield House," will +always find him! Meanwhile, encloses postal order for one pound ten +shillings a "fixed proportion of his income," as he sees that I've +"offered to make myself the careful recipient of any assents," by +which he supposes that I mean cash. A little embarrassing! + +Take stroll in Park to collect my thoughts. Find two leading Belfast +linen-merchants busily gathering up sawdust, &c, round tree I +felled yesterday. They explain that they've been "much interested +in my novel idea of converting chips of wood into best cambric +pocket-handkerchiefs," and think that it beats General BOOTH's notion +of making children's toys out of old sardine-tins hollow. I should +rather think it did! Still, have to confess that I'm _not_ ready +at present to "quote them my wholesale price for best oak-shavings +delivered free on rail." + +Telegram from--CHAMBERLAIN! Says he sees the new Society's one +of "universal" beneficence, and supposes it includes him! Quite a +mistake! Sends cheque for three pounds, and hopes I'll "keep a strict +account of all sums received, and issue a report and balance-sheet +shortly." Really, very injudicious of me to use word "universal"! +Ought to have expressly excluded Liberal-Unionists (so-called), from +my plan. That's where General BOOTH has advantage of me. _He_ probably +doesn't exclude anybody that wants to send him money. Perhaps, after +all, he knows how to do this sort of thing better than I do. + +Wire to him, and hand him over the money I've already received, also +ask him to start a "universally beneficent" branch of Salvation Army. +Receive reply, accepting my offer, in no time! General adds that he +has a staff appointment in his Army waiting for me, and that he would +like my good lady to become a Salvation Lass. Requires consideration +and--hem--consultation! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASY FOR THE JUDGES. + +_Geoffrey_ (_to rejected Candidate for honours at the Dog Show_). +"NEVER MIND, SMUT! WE'LL HAVE A DOG SHOW THAT SHALL BE ALL CATS EXCEPT +YOU, AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE IT ALL YOUR OWN WAY!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE PASTEL EXHIBITION. + +IN THE ANTE-ROOM. + +_A Niece_. Just one moment, Auntie, dear; _do_ look and see what No. +295 is! + +_Her Aunt_ (_with a Catalogue--and a conscience_). Two hundred and +ninety-five! Before we have even seen No. 1? No, my dear, no. Let us +take things in their proper order--or not at all. (_Perambulates the +galleries for some minutes, refraining religiously from looking at +anything but the numbers._) Ah, _here_ it is--Number One! _Now_, +ETHEL, I'm ready to tell you anything you please! + +_First Matter-of-Fact Person_. Ah, here's another of the funny ones! +[_Is suddenly seized with depression._ + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ Y-yes. (_Examines it gloomily._) What's it all +about? + +_First M.-of-F.P._ (_blankly_). Oh, well, it's a Pastel--I don't +suppose it's meant to be about anything in particular, you know. + +_The Conscientious Aunt_ (_before No. 129_). "_The Sprigged Frock_"? +Yes, that must be the one. I suppose those _are_ meant for sprigs--but +I can't make out the pattern. She _might_ have made her hair a little +tidier--such a bush! and I never _do_ think blue and green go well +together, myself. + + [_They come to a portrait of a charming lady in grey, by_ Mr. + SOLOMON. + +_The Niece_ (_with a sense of being on firm ground at last_). Why, +it's ELLEN TERRY! See if it isn't, Auntie. + +_The C.A._ (_referring to Catalogue_). + + "The leaves of Memory seemed to + Make a mournful rustling." + +--that's all it _says_ about it. + +_The Niece_ (_finding a certain vagueness in this as a description_). +Oh! But there are _no_ leaves--unless it means the leaves in the book +she's reading. Still I think it _must_ be ELLEN TERRY; don't you? + +_The C.A._ (_cautiously_.) Well, my dear, I always think it's as +well not to be too positive about a portrait till you know who it +was painted from. + + [_The_ Matter-of-Fact Persons _have arrived at a Pastel + representing several green and yellow ladies seated undraped + around a fountain, with fiddles suspended to the branches + above._ + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ "_Marigolds_," that's called. I don't _see_ any +though. [_With a sense of being imposed upon._ + +_First M.-of-F.P._ I think _I_ do--yes, those orange spots in the +green. They're meant for Marigolds, but there aren't very many of +them, are there? And why should they all be sitting on the grass +like that? Enough to give them their deaths of cold! + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ I expect they've been bathing. + +_First M.-of-F.P._ They couldn't _all_ bathe in that fountain, and +then what do you make of their bringing out their violins? + + [_The other_ M.-of-F. Person _making nothing of it, they pass + on._ + +_An Irritable Philistine_. Nonsense, Sir, you _can't_ admire them, +don't tell _me_! Do you mean to say _you_ ever saw all those blues, +and greens, and yellows, in Nature, Sir? + +_His Companion_. I mean to say that that is how Nature appears to +an eye trained to see things in a true and not a merely conventional +light. + +_The I.P._. Then all _I_ can say is, that if things ever appeared to +_me_ as unconventionally as all that, I should go straight home and +take a couple of liver pills, Sir. I should! + +_First Frivolous Old Lady_. Here's another of them, my dear. It's no +use, we've _got_ to admire it, this is the kind of thing you and I +must be educated up to in our old age! + +_Second F.O.L._ It makes me feel as if I was on board a yacht, that's +all I know--just look at the perspective in that room, all slanted up! + +_First F.O.L._ That's your ignorance, my dear, it's quite the right +perspective for a Pastel, it's our rooms that are all wrong--not these +clever young gentlemen. + + [_They go about chuckling and poking old ladylike fun at all + the more eccentric Pastels, and continue to enjoy themselves + immensely._ + +_First M.-of-F.P. (they have come to a Pastel depicting a young woman +seated on the Crescent Moon, nursing an infant_). H'm--very peculiar. +_I_ never saw Diana represented with a _baby_ before--did _you_? + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ No--(_hopefully_)--but perhaps it's intended for +somebody else. But it's _not_ the place _I_ should choose to nurse an +infant in. It doesn't look safe, and it can't be very comfortable. + + [_They go on into a smaller room, and come upon a sketch of a + small child, with an immense red mouth, and no visible nose, + eyes, or legs._ + +_First M.-of-F.P._ "_Little Girl in Black_"--what a very plain child, +to be sure! + +_Second M.-of-F.P._ What there _is_ of it; but it looks to me as if +the artist had spent so much time over the black that he forgot to put +in the little girl--he's got her _mouth_, though. + +_First M.-of-F.P._. Well, if it was _my_ child, I should insist upon +having the poor little thing more finished than that--even if I had to +pay extra for it. + + [_A_ Superior Person _has entered the West Gallery, + accompanied by a_ Responsive Lady, _who has already grasped + the fact that a taste for Pastels is the sure sign of a + superior nature._ + +_The R.L._. Isn't that portrait quite wonderful! Wouldn't you take it +for an oil-painting? + +_The S.P._. One might--without some experience--which is just where +it is so entirely wrong. A Pastel has no business to imitate the +_technique_ of any other medium. + +_The R.L._ Oh, I think you are _so_ right. Because, after all, it _is_ +only a Pastel, isn't it? and it oughtn't to pretend to be anything +else. (_She looks reproachfully at the too ambitious Pastel_.) And it +isn't as if it was _successful_, either--it won't bear being looked +into at all closely. + +_The S.P._ You should never look at a Pastel closely; they are meant +to be seen from a distance. + +_The R.L._ (_brightly_). Or else you miss the effect? I _quite_ +see. Now, I like _this_--(_indicating a vague and streaky little +picture_)--don't you? That's what I call a _real_ Pastel. + +_The S.P._ (_screwing up his eyes_). H'm! Yes. Perhaps. Clever-ish. +Suggestive. + +_The R.L._ (_shocked_). Oh, _do_ you think so? I don't see anything of +_that_ kind in it--at least, I don't think it can be _intentional_. + +_The S.P._ The beauty of Art _is_ to suggest, to give work for the +imagination. + +_The R.L._ (_recovering herself_). I know so _exactly_ what you +mean--just as one makes all sorts of things out of the patches of damp +on an old ceiling? + +_The S.P._ Hardly. I should define Damp as the product of Nature--not +_Art_. + +_The R.L._ Oh, yes; if you put it in that way, of _course_! I only +meant it as an illustration--the two things are really as different +as possible. (_Changes the subject._) They don't seem to mind _what_ +coloured paper they use for Pastels, do they? + +_The S.P._ (_oracularly_). It is--er--always advisable in Pastels +to use a tone of paper to harmonise as nearly as possible with the +particular tone you--er--want. Because, you see, as the colour doesn't +always cover the _whole_ of the paper, if the paper which shows +through is different in tone, it--er-- + +_The R.L._ Won't match? I _see_. How clever! (_She arrives at a highly +eccentric composition, and ventures upon an independent opinion._) Now +I can't say I care for _that_--there's so very little done to it, and +what there is is so glaring and _crude_, don't you think? I call it +_stupid_. + +_The S.P._ I was just about to say that it is the cleverest thing in +the Exhibition--from an artistic point of view. No special interest in +it, but the scheme of colour very harmonious--and very decorative. + +_The R.L._ Oh, _isn't_ it? That's _just_ the right word for it--it is +_so_ decorative! and I do like the scheme of colour. Yes, it's very +clever. I quite feel _that_ about it. (_With a gush_.) It is _so_ nice +looking at pictures with somebody who has exactly the same tastes as +oneself. And I always _was_ fond of pastilles! + +_A Pavement Pastellist_ (_to a friend_). Well, JIM, I dunno what _you_ +think, but I call it a shellin' clean chucked away, I do. I come in +yere,--hearin' as all the subjicks was done in chorks, same as I do my +own--I come in on the chance o' pickin' up a notion or two as might be +useful to me in my perfession. But, Lor, they ain't got a ideer among +'em, that they ain't! They ain't took the measure of the popilar taste +not by a nundred miles, they 'aven't. Why, I ain't seen a single +thing as I'd reckincile it to my conscience to perduce before _my_ +public--there ain't 'ardly a droring in the 'ole bloomin' show as I'd +be seen settin' down beyind! Put down some of these 'ere Pastellers +to do a mouse a nibbling at a candle, or a battle in the Soudang, or a +rat snifin' at a smashed hegg, and you'd soon see _they_ was no good! +Precious few coppers 'ud fall into _their_ 'ats, I'll go bail! [_Exit +indignantly, as Scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +EXCELLENT EXAMPLE. + +In a recent trial for Breach of Promise, a letter was read from +Defendant saying that "he must now get a monkey;" whereupon the +"learned Under-Sheriff," as reported in the _Daily Telegraph_, +exclaimed, "A Monkey! What the goodness does he mean?" Now, isn't that +better than saying, "What the deuce?" Of course, no doubt the learned +Under-Sheriff is suficiently learned to remember the old rhyme-- + + "There was an old man of Domingo + Who'd a habit of swearing, 'By Jingo!' + But a friend having come + Who suggested 'By Gum!' + He preferred it at once to 'By Jingo!'" + +The goodness of the learned Under-Sheriff is worthy of all praise, and +of general imitation. + + * * * * * + +SWEETS TO THE SWEET.--It is stated that one of the features of the +Lord Mayor's Show this year is to be a Detachment of the Survivors of +the Balaclava Charge. This is an excellent idea, that may be developed +to almost any extent. Could we not have the Hero who had read every +Novel that has been published during the last six months; the Brave +Man who has been to every Dramatic _Matinee_ since January; and the +Scorner of Death, who has existed during an entire season in the +odours (sweet, or otherwise) of Kensington and Tyburnia? The latter on +the present occasion might immediately precede the Lord MAYOR Elect, +for, by association of ideas, he would certainly serve as an excellent +foil to Mr. Alderman SAVORY! + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Monday_.--_Rentree_ of Miss MAGGIE MCINTYRE, appropriately enough as +_Margherita_. "She's Macintyrely first-rate," says our _blase_ young +man, on being caught napping after the Opera, and interviewed on the +spot, "but can't say much for the rest,"--except the rest he took +himself. + +[Illustration: Our Reporter hoff to the Hopera.] + +_Tuesday_.--Our _blase_ young man went to this, but as we only saw +him for a moment passing in a cab, when he looked out, and bade us a +"Good night," we can only suppose that it was "a good night" at the +Opera. He writes to say that the performance of _The Huguenots_ was +excellent, GIULIA RAVOGLI being specially good, but the draughts too +strong. _What draughts?_ + +[Illustration: Miss Damian as La Cieca feeling her way.] + +_Wednesday_.--_La Gioconda_. A good performance all round. But the +night specially memorable as being the first appearance of Miss GRACE +DAMIAN on the stage of the Royal Italian Opera anywhere. It is a +good omen for her that she appeared in Signor PONCHIELLI's Opera, +the composer being a distant connection of the great ancient Italian +family of the PONCINELLI, of which _Mr. Punch_ is now the chief +universal representative. It is a remarkable fact, too, showing the +strong force of canine attachment, which centuries cannot obliterate, +that the _Libretto_ of _La Gioconda_, set to music by Signor +PONCHIELLI (the "h" came in when the genuine liquid "n" was dropped) +was written by TOBIA GORRIO. That an Opera, written by TOBIA, or +TOBY, and composed by PUNCINELLO, should possess all the elements of +success, goes without saying. We welcome Signor GALASSI (a sporting +title, reminding us of _Gay Lass_), with MARIA PERI (who must appear +in _Il Paradiso_), and GIULIA RAVOGLI. Her Grace of DAMIAN made a most +successful _debut_ as _La Cieca_, and was cheered to the echo. Thank +Heaven, there isn't an echo in Covent Garden--but, if there had been, +Echo would have repeated hospitably the "good cheer" a dozen times, as +she does somewhere about Killarney. Signor LAGO stars "HER MAJESTY +THE QUEEN" at the head of his bill, but it is only to say that +Her Gracious MAJESTY has been graciously pleased to honour him by +subscribing for the Royal Box during the present season, which is, +in effect, saying that he has _let the best box in the house for a +Sovereign!_ + +_Thursday Night_.--ALBANI as the unhappy _Traviata_. Big and +enthusiastic House. Signor PADILLA, as the Elder _Germont_, excellent, +and just contrived most gracefully to refuse the honour of an _encore_ +for his "_Di Provenza_." Since RONCONI, it is difficult to call to +mind an artist equal histrionically to Signor PADILLA, who is so grave +and impressive as that utter bore, "the Elder _Germont_," so gay and +eccentric as _Figaro_, and so dashing and reckless as the unscrupulous +_Don Giovanni_. That milksop, _Germont_ Junior, known as _Alfredo_, +was adequately played by Signor GIANNINI, whose name, were it spelt +GIA-"NINNY," would partly describe the character he represented. + +_Friday Night_.--Our _blase_ young man writes to say, "I am suffering +from effects of draughts at Opera. Think it must be some Operatic air +which has given me cold. It's a gruel case for yours truly." + +_Saturday Night_.--Occasion described as "popular;" and, consequently, +_Il Trovatore_ announced. A little old-fashioned, but what of that? +VERDI just the composer "to keep your memory green." Alas! cold once +more to the front. The _blase_ one "still off duty, so no reliable +report to hand." No doubt everything passed off pleasantly. _Manrico_ +obviously, when on the stage, more of a man than _Germont_ Junior. +The standing line has been, "large audience much pleased with the +entertainment." Altogether a successful week.' + + * * * * * + +MEM. FOR VISITORS TO LONDON.--Don't forget to look in at the +bird-pictures of STACEY MARKS, R.A. _Stay, see Marks!_ See Marks! They +are land-marks in the history of Modern Art. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.--NO. VI., "_Thrums on the Auld String_," +next week. + + * * * * * + +TO ENGELBERG AND BACK. + +_BEING A FEW NOTES TAKEN EN ROUTE IN SEARCH OF A PERFECT CURE._ + +"Give him another month here, and he'll be giving you all the slip, +and walking back to Calais on foot." Young JERRYMAN is commenting on +the wonderful restoration that has taken place in the condition of the +Dilapidated One, who has just been detected having a row on the lake, +all by himself. Not that this is a very prodigious aquatic feat, +seeing that three or four good strokes either way take you either +into the bank, or on to the heels or tails of a couple of very +ill-tempered, and irascible swans, who appear to think, and with some +reason, that there's not too much waterway as it is, and resent the +intrusion of the boat on their domain as a ridiculous superfluity. +However, the effort is one that the Dilapidated One would not have +ventured on at his arrival a month since, and as our time is up, and +we are starting on our return journey home in about half-an-hour's +time, we hail it as an indication that if he has not quite obtained +the Perfect Cure, that his medical man promised him, as the result of +a trip to this delightful spot, he is certainly not far off it. + +But the best things must come to an end, and so we find ourselves at +length, with much regret, taking our farewell of that excellent and +capitally-conducted "Perfect Kurhaus" the Hotel Titlis. And this +reminds me, that in justice to that establishment, I ought to state +that some comments I made last week on German feeding in general, in +no way were meant to refer to the _table d'hote_ at the Hotel Titlis, +which, served in a lofty and well-ventilated _salon_, lighted by +electricity, to four hundred people daily, a capitally well-appointed +meal, is one of the notable features of the place. The smoke-stifled +children of the Fatherland, who shut every window they come across +when they get a chance, though they would dearly like to, cannot carry +their tricks on here. Sometimes, but not very often, they rally in +force, and render the "_Grosser Gesellschafts Saal_" a sort of Tophet +to the ordinary Briton; but the "_Speise Saal_", where smoking is +"_verboten_," is happily beyond their reach. But the hour of departure +has come, and quitting his comfortable establishment with much regret, +we bid good-bye to the courteous Herr CATTANI, and with a crack of the +whip we are off, dashing down the valley, and leaving Engelberg up on +its heights as a pleasant dream behind us. + +[Illustration: Putting Up for the Winter] + +And what is Engelberg? There is, first and foremost, _par excellence_, +the feature of the place--the Hotel Titlis; then the Monastery, with +the Brethren of the Bell-rope; and _the_ Street. This is unique. Set +out with a _Chalet_ here, a Swiss _Pension_ there, a Chapel perched up +on a little hill on one side, and a neatly new-made farmhouse stuck +up on the other, with cattle (not omitting their dinner-bells) dotted +about here and there in the bright green meadows that creep up to, and +melt into, the pine-woods stretching from the base of the grand rugged +snow-capped heights that tower in every direction above, you get +thoroughly impressed with the idea that the whole place is nothing but +a box of toys, set out for the season (probably by the Monks), who, +you feel convinced, are only waiting for the departure of the last +visitor, to get out the box, and carefully pack away _Chalet_, and +_Pension_, Chapel and peasant for the winter months, with a view to +keeping them fresh for production in the early summer of next year. + +However, whatever its fate, Engelberg is left behind us, and we find +ourselves tearing down the Practical Joking Engineers' Road at a +break-neck pace, and hurrying on to Calais, once more to take our +places on our steady old friend, the _Calais-Douvres_, that helps to +deposit us finally at Charing Cross, where we are bound to admit that +the air, whatever it is, is emphatically _not_ the air of Engelberg. +But everybody who has seen him, says the Dilapidated One has come back +"twice the man he was". So we must take it that our journey has not +been in vain. + + * * * * * + +ADDITIONAL TITLE.--Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, after his brilliant letters in +the _D.T._, worthy of _The Light of the World_, will be remembered in +Japan as a "first-rate sort of Jap." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +WELLS, GARDNER, DARTON & Co. publish a very good selection of tales +for young people. Among the best are _Tom's Opinion_, a boy whose ever +readily-expressed opinion is made to change pretty often; and _Halt_! +by the same author. The title is suggestive of military manoeuvres, +but it's only a term for obeying quickly, which is hard to do +sometimes. _Gregory of the Foretop_, _Abbot's Cleeve_, and _Going for +a Soldier_, are three books containing several stories suitable to +mere grown-up young people,--so the sooner they grow up the better for +the sale of the books. They are all edited by J. ERSKINE CLARKE, M.A. + +FREDERICK WARNE & CO. give us _Young England's Nursery Tales_, +illustrated by CONSTANCE HASLEWOOD. _Noah's Ark_, by DARLBY DALE, +which is not the Ark of the nursery, but a story of the Norfolk +Broads. Perhaps "Norfolk Broads" would have suggested stories that +could _not_ be told in a drawing-room. As to _Bits about Horses for +Every Day_, selected and illustrated by S. TURNER,--well, what would +horses be without "bits?" These are not tit-bits. Might do for a +Bridle gift. + +_The Love of a Lady_, by Miss ANNIE THOMAS, otherwise Mrs. PENDER +CUDLIP, like most of this authoress's novels, is full of interest. It +is in the regulation three volumes, but appears as if it had wished +to be in two, and would have been had not large type insisted upon +the addition of a third tome. The love of a lady is transferred, +during the course of the story, from an artist, who appears in the +last chapter "in threadbare clothes, with broken, patched boots on +his feet" (not on his Hands, _bien entendu_), to a "well-tailored" +novelist. As the lady to whom "the love" originally belonged was +"a popular illustrator," it was only natural that the question of +appearances should play an important part in determining its ultimate +destination. + +Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM is never so much in his element as when he +revels in gore and guilt. In _Locusta_, in one bulky volume, he tells +of "the crime" and "the chastisement." The first is associated with "a +house with curtained windows," "an Italian swordsman," "entombed," and +"a maimed lion," and the second is developed in chapters headed, "The +Hunter lets fly a Poisoned Shaft," "The Silver Dish of Tarts," "The +First Victim Falls," "A Dreadful Accuser," and last, but not least, +"The Vengeance is Crowned." As the story begins in 1612, and ends with +the words, "HENRY, Prince of WALES, art thou not avenged?" it will +be seen, that Mr. W. OUTRAM TRISTRAM has seized this opportunity to +pleasantly illustrate an incident from English history. + +My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Land of Fancy. He +expresses delight at two books called respectively, _Dreams by +French Firesides_ and _English Fairy Tales_. The first is supposed +to have been written before Paris in 1870-71 by a German soldier +who had turned his thoughts to his home and children in the far-off +Fatherland. The second deals with British folk-lore, and is racy +of the soil. Both works are full of capital illustrations. He has, +moreover, read _He Went for a Soldier_, the WYNTER Annual of JOHN +STRANGE of that ilk. But what had the soldier done, that "he" should +"go for him"? The answer to this conundrum will be ascertained on +reading the book. _Nutshell Novels_, by J. ASHBY STERRY, is also a +volume that repays perusal. The Lazy Poet has turned his leisure to +good account--the stories he tells are excellent. + +Had the delightfully original _Alice in Wonderland_, and _Through the +Looking-Glass_, never been written, I doubt much if we should ever +have seen _Maggie in Mythica_, by F.B. DOVETON, who announces it +apologetically, as "his first"--perhaps it maybe his "unique" fairy +story,--and he adds, that he has "kept out of the beaten track as far +as possible." "_As far as possible_" is good, for never was there +such an example of the "sincerest flattery" than in this undeniable +imitation of _Alice in Wonderland_. Some of the illustrations, by J. +HARRINGTON WILSON, are not quite as weak as the text, while the best +of them only serve to heighten our appreciation of "Our" Mr. TENNIEL's +pictures in _Alice_, and its companion volume. But the very title, +_Maggie in Mythica_, recalls at once _Alice in Wonderland_, but the +lovers of _Alice_, who being attracted by this title may purchase +this book under the impression that "it is the same concern," will +soon find out their mistake, though it may perhaps amuse a very much +younger generation who know not _Alice_, if such a generation exist, +which muchly we beg to doubt. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MORNING CALL. + +_The Vicar_. "AND WHAT'S _YOUR_ NAME, MY DEAR?" + +_Child of the Period_. "WELL--_YOU_ OUGHT TO KNOW! YOU _KWISTENED_ +ME!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_BEFORE MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH._) + +_AN OFFICER OF VOLUNTEERS INTRODUCED._ + +_The Commissioner_. Well, what can I do for you, Captain? + +_Officer of Volunteers_. Hush, Sir! If you were heard to give me my +military rank, you would be the cause of covering me with ridicule! + +_The Com._ Ridicule! Are you _not_ a Captain? + +_Off._ Certainly, Sir. I hold Her Majesty's Commission, and am +supposed to be one of the defenders of the country. + +_The Com._ Then why should you not be credited with the rank to which +you are entitled? + +_Off._ Because, Sir, I am only a Captain of Volunteers. + +_The Com._ But surely the British Army is composed entirely of +Volunteers? + +_Off._ That is the national boast, Sir. But then, you see, I receive +no pay. + +_The Com._ Which does not prevent you from working? + +_Off._ On the contrary, Sir, nearly all my leisure is devoted to the +study of what I may, perhaps, be permitted to call my supplementary +profession. + +_The Com._ What are your duties? + +_Off._ Almost too numerous to enumerate. Before I received my +Commission, I had to undertake to make myself proficient in everything +appertaining to the rank to which I was appointed. This entailed a +month's hard work (five or six hours a day in the barrack-square), at +one of the Schools of Instruction. + +_The Com._ Well, let us suppose that you _have_ become duly qualified +to command a company--what next? + +_Off._ Having reached this point, I find myself called upon to work +as hard as any Line officer on full pay. True, I have not (except +when the battalion is camping out, or taking part in manoeuvres), to +trouble myself with matters connected with the Commissariat, but in +every other respect my position is exactly analogous to my brother +officers in other branches of the QUEEN's Service. I have to attend +numerous drills, and perform the duties, at stated intervals, of the +Orderly Room. Besides this, I have to see that every parade is well +attended by the men of my company. This entails, as you may imagine, +time and trouble. + +_The Com._ May I take it that it is less difficult to command +Volunteers than Regulars? + +_Off._ That is a matter of opinion. If a Volunteer officer can bring +to bear his social position (for instance, should his men be his +tenants, or in his employment), he may find the task of command an +easy one. But should the battalion to which he belongs be composed of +that large class of persons who consider "one man as good as another, +and better," no little tact is required in keeping up discipline. +Besides this, he starts at a disadvantage. Every retirement from the +regiment means the loss of an earner of the capitation grant; and +as the maintenance of a Volunteer corps is an exceedingly expensive +matter, a "free and independent private" feels that if he withdraws, +or is forced to withdraw, his officers are practically the pecuniary +sufferers of the proceeding. + +_The Com._ Am I to understand then that the cost of a battalion falls +upon the commissioned rank? + +_Off._ Almost entirely. The officers have generally to pay a heavy +entrance fee, and subscription, and must, if they wish to be popular, +contribute largely to prize funds, entertainments, and the cost of +"marching out." Besides these charges they have to be particularly +hospitable or benevolent (either word will do) to the companies to +which they specially belong. + +_The Com._ Well, certainly, it seems that an Officer of Volunteers has +many responsibilities--what are his privileges? + +_Off._ Only one is officially recognised--the right to be snubbed! + +_The Com._ And the result? + +_Off._ That there is scarcely a corps in the kingdom without +vacancies. Men nowadays, fail to see the fun of all work and no pay, +play, or anything else. This very week a meeting is being held at +the Royal United Service Institution, to consider what can be done to +advance the interests of the officers--another word for the interests +of the whole force. + +_The Com._ You have my sympathy, and if I can help you-- + +_Off._ Not another word, Sir. The good services of _Mr. Punch_ for +the last thirty years are appreciated by all of us, and we know we can +rely upon him as confidently in the future as we have done with good +reason in the past. [_The Witness then retired._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SAME OLD GAME!" + +OLD LADY OF THREADNEEDLE STREET. "YOU'VE GOT YOURSELVES INTO A NICE +MESS WITH YOUR PRECIOUS '_SPECULATION_!' WELL--I'LL HELP YOU OUT OF +IT,--_FOR THIS ONCE!!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY SKETCH FOR NOVEMBER 5. + +MAGISTRATE LETTING OFF A CRACKER WITH A LITTLE CAUTION.] + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +(_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._) + +NO. IV.--THE GRAND OLD (JOBBING) GARDENER. + + SCENE--_the Garden of a modest Suburban Villa. Present, + Simple Citizen, with budding horticultural ambitions, and + Jobbing Gardener, "highly recommended" for skill and low + charges. The latter is a grizzled personage, very bowed as to + back, and baggy as to breeches, but in his manner combining + oracular "knowingness" and deferential plausibility in a + remarkable degree._ + +_Simple Citizen_. You see SMUGGINS, things are a little bit in the +rough here, at present. + +_Grand Old Gardener_. Ah, you may well say that, Sir! Bin allowed to +run to rack _and_ ruin, this here pooty bit o' garding has. Want a lot +o' clearing, scurryfunging, and topping and lopping, afore it'll look +anythink like. But it's got the making of a puffeck parrydise in it, a +puffeck parrydise it has--_with_ my adwice. + +_S.C._ Glad to hear you say so, SMUGGINS. Now what I propose is-- + +_G.O.G._ (_laying a horny hand on S.C.'s coat-sleeve_). If you'll +ascuse me, Sir, I'll jest give yer _my_ ideas. It'll save time. (_Lays +down artfully the lines of a plan involving radical alteration of +paths, and lawns, and beds, shifting of shrubs, cutting down of trees, +rooting up of trailers, and what he calls "toppin' an' loppin'" to a +tremendous extent._) _Then_, Sir, you'll 'ave a bit o' garding as'll +be the pride o' yer eye, and a tidy bit o' profit into the bargain, +or I don't know my bizness. An' I _oughter_ too, seeing as I wos 'ed +gardener to the Dook of FITZ-FUZZ for close on twenty year, afore the +rheumaticks took me like wot you see. Hu-a-a-h!!! + +_S.C._ Yes; but, SMUGGINS, all these alterations will run into time +and--expense, I'm afraid. + +_G.O.G._ (_confidentially)._ You leave that to _me_, Sir! The fust +expense'll be the biggest, and a saving in the long run, take _my_ +word. And then you _will_ 'ave a garding, _you_ will, one as that 'ere +muddled up bit o' greenery nex door won't be a patch on it, for all +he's so proud of it.(_Gets Simple Citizen into his clutches, and +works him to his will_.) + + SCENE II.--_The Same, six months later in the Season._ + +_S.C._ (_returning from a fortnight's absence_). What, SMUGGINS, still +at it? And--eh--by Jove, what _have_ you been up to? Why I hardly know +the place again! + +_G.O.G._ (_complacently_). I should 'ope not, Sir It _is_ a bit +different from when you last saw it, I flatter myself. Fact it is a +garding, now. _Then_ it wos a wildernidge! + +_S.C._ Yes, but SMUGGINS, hang it all, you've cut almost every bit of +greenery away! + +_G.O.G._ (_contemptuously_). Greenery!!! And who wants _greenery_? +Greenery ain't gardening, greenery ain't not by chorks. Any fool, even +that cove nex door, can grow _greenery_! + +_S.C._ Yes, but SMUGGINS, I _don't_ like my limes to look like +gouty posts, my branchy elms to show as bare as broom-sticks, and my +fruit-trees to be trimmed into timber-screens! + +_G.O.G._ (_persuasively_). No, Sir, cert'ny _not_. Fact is they'd bin +let grow wild so long that cutting on 'em freely back wos the only way +to save 'em. Jest wait till next year, Sir, and _you_'ll see. + +_S.C._ (_doubtfully_). Humph! Looks beastly now, anyhow. And you've +altered all the paths, and nearly all the beds. I didn't tell you-- + +_G.O.G._ (_emphatically_). No, Sir, you didn't. You give me _cart +blarnch_, you did, and I've done my level best. The Dook 'ad the +same idees at first, but when he comes to know me, he says, says +he, SMUGGINS, you're always right, he says. If you wos to run a +reaping-machine through my horchids, or a traction-engine over my +turf, I should know as you wos a-doing of the right thing--_in_ +the long run! Oh, you leave it to me, Sir, and you won't repent it. +And--ahem--here's my little haccount, Sir,--_hup_ to date. + + [_Presents dirty piece of blue paper, giving scanty details, + and a spanking total. Simple Citizen pays, and tries to look + pleasant._ + +[Illustration] + + SCENE III. + + _The Same, six months later. Present, Simple Citizen, and a + Sympathetic Friend. + +_Sympathetic Friend_. Well, well, it _does_ look a waste, APPLEYARD. + +_Simple Citizen_ (_purple_). A waste! I should think it _did_. indeed! +And to think of the pretty, green, bowery place it was when I took it! +Unprofitable, perhaps, but pleasant. Now it is neither pleasant _nor_ +profitable. + +_S.F._ And all through that rascally ravaging SMUGGINS? + +_S.C._ (_furiously_). The scoundrel!--the sleek, insinuating, +slaughtering scoundrel! He tore up my paths, he altered my beds, he +mutilated my lawns, he stripped my trailers, he hacked my trees into +bare hideousness, all to make work and money for himself and his +partner in iniquity, that nefarious "florist" friend of his. I was a +greenhorn, MUMPSON, a juggins, and I let them fool me to the top of +my bent. He cut up the shrubbery into those horrible flat beds, in +order that I might "grow my hown wegerbles," as he phrased it. He +got money from me for the best and most expensive "ashleaf kidneys" +and "Prooshian Blues," then planted cheap refuse from a small +greengrocer's. My "ashleaf kidneys" turned out waxy marbles; my +Prooshian Blues refused to pod; I spent--or rather he received--pounds +upon my vinery and cucumber frames. My grape-bunches went mouldy, and +I never got a cucumber more than six inches long. His "friend, the +florist," did, no doubt. He stole my shrubs overnight, and sold +'em back to me next morning. He bled my maidservants for "beer and +'baccy." In fact, it was the same all round; he had, in every way, +ruined my garden, run me up exorbitant bills, and then, when the day +of detection was imminent--disappeared. If ever I catch sight of that +mulberry nose of his, I shall be tempted to-- + +_S.F._ (_soothingly_). Ah, yes, just so. But let's hope that +you'll never come across this particular Grand Old Gardener--or his +like--again. (_Waggishly._) By Jove, APPLEYARD, no wonder the world +went wrong, seeing that "the first man" was--a Gardener!!! + + * * * * * + +LEARNED BY ART.--"Beasts in Bond Street!" "Sheep in the Salon!" +Messrs. DOWDESWELLS have taken the wind out of the sails of the +Agricultural Hall, and Mr. DENOVAN ADAM has given us the opportunity +of seeing a superb collection of Scottish Highland Cattle. Mountain, +meadow, moss and moor have all been laid under contribution. The +result is we can have the chance of studying these hornymental animals +without being tossed, and staring at them without being gored. In +the same gallery may be seen a series of pastels of Hampstead Heath, +by Mr. HENRY MUHRMAN--a merman ought to be a sea-painter by rights, +but no matter! The poet has told us that, "'Amsted am the place to +ruralise on a summer's day!" The artist convinces us it is the place +to "pastelise," and he seems to have pastelised to the tune of forty +pictures very successfully. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW OF THE FUTURE. + +[In consequence of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS becoming Sheriff, it is +expected that additional lustre will be given to a future Mayoralty by +the leading Members of "THE Profession" taking to Civic Life.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'ARRY IN ST. PETERSBURGH. + +HE TRIES TO MAKE A DROSKI-DRIVER UNDERSTAND THAT HE COULD HAVE GONE +THE SAME DISTANCE IN A HANSOM FOR LESS MONEY.] + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES. + +_PAR CI--PAR LA!_ + +"A good par here, and a bad par there; here a par, and there a par, +and everywhere a par!" Indeed, as an Irishman would say, it is +the Judgment of Pars. Let us look in at the Institute, and see the +Painters in Ile, and no doubt we shall be iley delighted. We go on the +pre-private view day. Not that we are parsimonious, but we prefer to +see the pictures without being scrouged. + +[Illustration: "PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER." + +Hoisted with his own Petar--Guy Fawkes blown up.] + +"_The Release_" is a puzzler. We have taken stock of Mr. STOCK's +picture, and fail to understand it. Is it LULU or ZAZEL? There seems +to have been an explosion, and one person, lightly attired, is blown +up; and another, more warmly clad, is blown down. They will both +probably catch cold. Nothing hazy about Mr. HAYES's pictures. On the +contrary, fresh and brilliant--notably, "_A Grey Sunset._" If you are +subject to _mal-de-mer_, his seas will make you onaisy. The President, +Sir JAMES LINTON, has only two small pictures, both cleverly painted, +but each may be described as a little LINTON; so let us give him a +little hint on the subject; like OLIVER TWIST, we ask for more. "_Too +Many Cooks_," by BURTON BARBER--a Barber who knows how to dress hair. +See the dogs' coats. Miss ETHEL WRIGHT is not very far wrong in her +picture of a fair _canoiste_, and Mr. W.L. WYLLIE is both artful and +wily in his rendering of a "_A Sou' Wester_." "_An Old Harbour in +Sussex_" gives distinct evidence that LEWIS (C.J.) has been moved to +the coast, and it seems to be a move in the right direction. In "_The +Red Canoe_," Mr. ALFRED PARSONS delivers an eloquent sermon on the +joys of life on the Thames. + +The Royal Society of British Artists have fewer pictures than usual +at their new show. Quality better than common. Mr. F. BRANGWYN's +"_Funeral at Sea_" is excellent. Mr. R. MACHELL's "_Lakshmi_," not +easy to understand. It might be "Lakshmi, or the Lost Bathing-dress." +She might certainly say, "I lacks my _costume de bain_." +"_Durham_"--good landscape by Mr. YGLESIAS. Mr. NELSON DAWSON in his +"_Sunset Breeze_," gives us real sea and good seamanship. In "_Trying +it Over_," Mr. LOMAX has tried it over to some purpose, and has +produced a successful little picture of an enthusiastic flautist. Mr. +G.F. WATTS sends "_Lord Tennyson_." But why in ermine? The Laureate is +quite good enough for us without his Peer's robes. What did HARRY THE +EIGHTH say concerning HOLBEIN? Anything more to see? Of course there +is. But what is my text? "Pars about Pictures." And so I pass about. +_I_ mustn't linger, but remain + +Yours par-ticularly, + +OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +GOLF VICTOR! + + Sir Golf and Sir Tennis are fighting like mad-- + Now Sir Tennis is blown, and Sir Golf's right above him, + And his face has a look that is weary and sad, + As he hastily turns to the ladies, who love him, + But the racket falls from him, he totters, and swirls, + As he hears them cry, "Golf is the game for the girls!" + + * * * * * + + The girls crave for freedom, they cannot endure + To be cramped up at Tennis in courts that are poky, + And they're all of them certainly, perfectly sure + That they'll never again touch "that horrible Croquet," + Where it's quite on the cards that they play with Papa, + And where all that goes on is surveyed by Mamma. + + To Golf on the downs for the whole of the day + Is "so awfully jolly," they keep on asserting, + With a good-looking fellow to teach you the way, + And to fill up the time with some innocent flirting, + And it may be the maiden is wooed and is won, + Ere the whole of the round is completed and done. + + Henceforward, then, Golf is the game for the fair-- + At home, and abroad, or in pastures Colonial, + And the shouts of the ladies will quite fill the air + For the Links that will turn into bonds Matrimonial, + And for husbands our daughters in future will seek + With the powerful aid of the putter and cleek! + + * * * * * + +CORRESPONDENCE SPECIAL.--KNOODEL, of Knoodel Court, writes to +us:--"Sir,--I have recently come across the name 'bacteriologist.' +Is it a new name for a person who writes ill of another behind his +back? If so, the best remedy for the mischief he causes is a criminal +action." [Our advice to KNOODEL is, "Consult a Solicitor."--ED.] + + * * * * * + +"CARMEN UP TO DATE AT THE GAIETY."--"Approbation of Miss ALMA STANLEY +is praise indeed." The correct quotation adapted _a la fin du Siecle_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN OUR GARDEN.] + +_Tuesday Morning_.--Still in Edinburgh, but going home to-night. Just +received telegram from Member for SARK. "Come home at once," he says; +"the _Peronospora Schleideniana_ has got at the onions." + +Rather a shock to have news like this flashed upon one with that +absence of deliberation that sometimes marks the telegraph service. +But I cannot say I am surprised. I had, indeed, before leaving, called +SARK's attention to what I recognised as the greyish mycelial threads +of the fungus spreading upon the pipes and budding seed-heads. If SARK +had steeped the seed in sulphate of copper before planting it, this +wouldn't have happened. It's a pity, for I rather thought we would +make something towards expenses out of that onion-bed. There's no more +profitable crop than your pickling onions if well farmed. I know a man +who made L150 an acre out of his onions. But then he wasn't hampered +in his arrangements with a fellow like SARK. + +Called on Mr. G. to say good-bye. He was sympathetic about the onion +blight, but I could see that his mind was occupied with other and +perhaps equally saddening thoughts. + +"I suppose you have been made aware of the intelligence that has +reached me through the usual sources?" he said. "I have had a pretty +good time here. I have belaboured the Government from all points +of attack. I think I managed pretty well with the Disestablishment +Question. You don't think, TOBY," he said, with a passing look of +deeper apprehension, "that I gave myself away at all on the matter? +The worst of these fellows is that they keep a record of every word +I say, a custom which seriously hampers one in his movements. What I +should like, if it were permitted, would be to come quite fresh to a +question year after year, and say upon it exactly what happened to be +convenient, without having before my eyes the certainty that somebody +would dig out what I said on the same subject last year, or five years +ago." + +I assured him that I thought not much could be made out of his remarks +on Disestablishment Question. In fact it would be difficult to prove +that he had said anything at all. Brightened up at this; but cloud +again deepened over his mobile face. + +"Yes, perhaps I've done pretty well," he said, with a sigh. "I have +steered through a very difficult position without running ashore; +I have had an immense popular reception; I have stirred up the +constituency, and have, if I may say so, supplied with fresh oil the +sacred lamp of Liberalism. Now, just when I was beginning in some +modest measure to felicitate myself, there comes news of a crushing +master-stroke devised by the Government. Though I do not disguise my +discomfiture, I would not withhold my tribute of admiration at the +brilliancy of the stroke, of the genius of its conception, and of the +completeness with which it has been dealt. I have been here more than +a week, and have delivered four speeches. The Government and their +friends on the platform and in the press affect to sneer at my efforts +and their influence. Still, they feel it is necessary to make a +counter-demonstration, and to effectually undo whatever work I may +have accomplished. What course do they adopt? Why, they send down +ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. He was at Dalkeith last night, and, in a single +speech, destroyed the effect of my great effort of Saturday. He will +go to West Calder; he will come here; he will follow me step by step +with relentless energy, tearing up, so to speak, the rails I have +laid, and which I had hoped would have safely conducted the Liberal +train into the Westminster station. _Sic vos non vobis_. It is cruel, +it is crushing. If I had only foreseen it, I would have remained at +Hawarden, and you might have averted the calamity that overshadows +your Garden." + +Quite distressed to see my venerated friend broken down. Bad for him +to stop at home and brood over calamity. Best thing would be change of +scene and thought. He had made engagement to-day to go to Pumpherston +and inspect oil and candle works. Better keep it. + +"No," said Mr. G., wearily, "oil comforts me not, nor candles either. +Now, if it were pork, it would be different. Few things so interesting +as pork. Not from a dietetic point of view, but regarded historically. +As I mentioned to a Correspondent the other day, in the course of +Homeric work I have examined into the use of pork by the ancients. +A very curious subject. I shall make some references to it in +the closing paper which I am writing for _Good Words_ on the Old +Testament. I am under the impression that the dangers which lurk +beneath the integument of a leg (or sirloin) of pork, are specially +connected with the heat of Southern climates." + +Curious to see how rapidly his aspect changed as these thoughts +pressed upon his mind. When I came in, he had been sitting in an +arm-chair, with his head resting on his hand, and his brow painfully +wrinkled. He looked quite old--at least seventy. Now he was up, +walking about the room with springy stride, his mind actively engaged +in framing theories on the use of pork by HOMER's contemporaries. +If I could only keep him engaged, he would forget the blow that had +descended upon him, and would regain his usual equanimity. A question +as to whether he thought Achilles liked sage with his pork, cunningly +led him on to a long disquisition, till, in a quarter of an hour, +he was quite a changed man, and set out with great energy for +Pumpherston. + +Fine enthusiasm along the route. Immense reception from the working +men. Splendid luncheon set out at one end of the shed where we were +assembled; bill of fare included crude oil, sulphate of ammonia, +various mineral oils, and candles made from paraffin. There was no +wine, but plenty of ammonia-water. Manager presented Mrs. G. with bust +in paraffin wax, which he said was Mr. G. Also handed her a packet +of dips cunningly carved in the likeness of HERBERT, the wick combed +out so as to represent a shock of hair. Mr. G. delighted; standing on +a barrel of paraffin, he addressed the company in a luminous speech, +tracing back the candle to the earliest times. That candles existed +in the Mosaic era, he reminded them, was shown by the question which +had puzzled succeeding ages--as to the precise locality in which the +great Law-giver stood when the medium of illumination provided for +his convenience was suddenly extinguished. This was a great hit; +enthusiasm knew no bounds. Hospitality of the Pumpherston people +really embarrassing; they filled our pockets with candles of all sizes +and descriptions, and insisted upon each of us taking away a quart +bottle of paraffin oil imperfectly corked. + +Never shall I forget the radiant look of Mr. G. as he left the works +loaded with candles and congratulations, whilst Mrs. G., walking by +his side, carefully carried the bust in paraffin wax. He had evidently +forgotten all about ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. + + * * * * * + +DEATH-BALL; OR, A NEW NAME FOR IT. + +Yesterday the celebrated Midland Spine-splitters met the Ribcracking +Rovers at the prepared Ambulance Grounds recently opened in +conjunction with the local County Hospital. A large staff of medical +men, supplied with all the necessary surgical appliances, were in +attendance. Play commenced effectively, the Rovers keeping the ball +well before them, with only a few broken arms, a dislocated thigh, and +a fractured jaw or two. Later, however, affairs moved more briskly, +one of the Spine-splitter forwards getting the ball well down to goal; +but, being met with "opposition," he was carried senseless from the +field. A lively scrimmage followed, amid a general cracking of ribs +and snapping of spines. The field now being covered with wounded, the +Police interfered, and the play terminated in a draw. + + * * * * * + +PIECE WITH HONOUR AT THE AVENUE.--The successful and pretty little +play just produced at Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER's theatre may be described +as more "_Shadow_" than "_Sunlight_." + + * * * * * + +A SAFE COURSE.--A German physician, Dr. KOCH, hopes to benefit +humanity by his new cure for Consumption. At present he is reticent on +the subject, and he won't speak till he is KOCH sure. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case +be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., November 8, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12469.txt or 12469.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12469/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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