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diff --git a/12468-0.txt b/12468-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ad6f832 --- /dev/null +++ b/12468-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1368 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12468 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +October 25, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. IV.--BOB SILLIMERE. + +(_BY MRS._ HUMPHRY JOHN WARD PREACHER, _AUTHOR OF "MASTER +SISTERSON."_) + + [On the paper in which the MS. of this novel was wrapped, the + following note was written in a bold feminine hand:--"This + is a highly religious story. GEORGE ELIOT was unable to write + properly about religion. The novel is certain to be well + reviewed. It is calculated to adorn the study-table of a + Bishop. The £1000 prize must be handed over at once to the + Institute which is to be founded to encourage new religions in + the alleys of St. Pancras.--H.J.W.P."] + +CHAPTER I. + +It was evening--evening in Oxford. There are evenings in other places +occasionally. Cambridge sometimes puts forward weak imitations. But, +on the whole, there are no evenings which have so much of the true, +inward, mystic spirit as Oxford evenings. A solemn hush broods over +the grey quadrangles, and this, too, in spite of the happy laughter of +the undergraduates playing touch last on the grass-plots, and leaping, +like a merry army of marsh-dwellers, each over the back of the other, +on their way to the deeply impressive services of their respective +college chapels. Inside, the organs were pealing majestically, in +response to the deft fingers of many highly respectable musicians, +and all the proud traditions, the legendary struggles, the well-loved +examinations, the affectionate memories of generations of proctorial +officers, the innocent rustications, the warning appeals of +authoritative Deans--all these seemed gathered together into one last +loud trumpet-call, as a tall, impressionable youth, carrying with him +a spasm of feeling, a Celtic temperament, a moved, flashing look, +and a surplice many sizes too large for him, dashed with a kind of +quivering, breathless sigh, into the chapel of St. Boniface's just as +the porter was about to close the door. This was ROBERT, or, as his +friends lovingly called him, BOB SILLIMERE. His mother had been an +Irish lady, full of the best Irish humour; after a short trial, she +was, however, found to be a superfluous character, and as she began to +develop differences with CATHERINE, she caught an acute inflammation +of the lungs, and died after a few days, in the eleventh chapter. + +[Illustration] + +BOB sat still awhile, his agitation soothed by the comforting sense +of the oaken seat beneath him. At school he had been called by his +school-fellows "the Knitting-needle," a remarkable example of the +well-known fondness of boys for sharp, short nicknames; but this did +not trouble him now. He and his eagerness, his boundless curiosity, +and his lovable mistakes, were now part and parcel of the new life +of Oxford--new to him, but old as the ages, that, with their rhythmic +recurrent flow, like the pulse of--[_Two pages of fancy writing are +here omitted._ ED.] BRIGHAM and BLACK were in chapel, too. They were +Dons, older than BOB, but his intimate friends. They had but little +belief, but BLACK often preached, and BRIGHAM held undecided views on +life and matrimony, having been brought up in the cramped atmosphere +of a middle-class parlour. At Oxford, the two took pupils, and helped +to shape BOB's life. Once BRIGHAM had pretended, as an act or pure +benevolence, to be a Pro-Proctor, but as he had a sardonic scorn, and +a face which could become a marble mask, the Vice-Chancellor called +upon him to resign his position, and he never afterwards repeated the +experiment. + +CHAPTER II. + +One evening BOB was wandering dreamily on the banks of the Upper +River. He sat down, and thought deeply. Opposite to him was a wide +green expanse dotted with white patches of geese. There and then, by +the gliding river, with a mass of reeds and a few poplars to fill in +the landscape, he determined to become a clergyman. How strange that +he should never have thought of this before; how sudden it was; how +wonderful! But the die was cast; _alea jacta est_, as he had read +yesterday in an early edition of St. Augustine; and, when BOB rose, +there was a new brightness in his eye, and a fresh springiness in his +steps. And at that moment the deep bell of St. Mary's--[_Three pages +omitted._ ED.] + +CHAPTER III. + +And thus BOB was ordained, and, having married CATHERINE, he accepted +the family living of Wendover, though not before he had taken +occasion to point out to BLACK that family livings were corrupt +and indefensible institutions. Still, the thing had to be done; and +bitterly as BOB pined for the bracing air of the East End of London, +he acknowledged, with one of his quick, bright flashes, that, unless +he went to Wendover, he could never meet Squire MUREWELL, whose +powerful arguments were to drive him from positions he had never +qualified himself, except by an irrational enthusiasm, to defend. Of +CATHERINE a word must be said. Cold, with the delicate but austere +firmness of a Westmoreland daisy, gifted with fatally sharp lines +about the chin and mouth, and habitually wearing loose grey gowns, +with bodices to match, she was admirably calculated, with her narrow, +meat-tea proclivities, to embitter the amiable SILLIMERE's existence, +and to produce, in conjunction with him, that storm and stress, that +perpetual clashing of two estimates without which no modern religious +novel could be written, and which not even her pale virginal grace +of look and form could subdue. That is a long sentence, but, ah! +how short is a merely mortal sentence, with its tyrannous full stop, +against the immeasurable background of the December stars, by whose +light BOB was now walking, with heightened colour, along the vast +avenue that led to Wendover Hall, the residence of the ogre Squire. + +CHAPTER IV. + +The Squire was at home. On the door-step BOB was greeted by Mrs. +FARCEY, the Squire's sister. She looked at him in her bird-like +way. At other times she was elf-like, and played tricks with a lace +handkerchief. + +"You know," she whispered to BOB, "we're all mad here. I'm mad, +and he," she continued, bobbing diminutively towards the Squire's +study-door, "he's mad too--as mad as a hatter." + +Before BOB had time to answer this strange remark, the study-door flew +open, and Squire MUREWELL stepped forth. He rapped out an oath or two, +which BOB noticed with faint politeness, and ordered his visitor to +enter. The Squire was rough--very rough; but he had studied hard in +Germany. + +"So you're the young fool," he observed, "who intends to tackle me. +Ha, ha, that's a good joke. I'll have you round my little finger in +two twos. Here," he went on gruffly, "take this book of mine in your +right hand. Throw your eyes up to the ceiling." ROBERT, wishing to +conciliate him, did as he desired. The eyes stuck there, and looked +down with a quick lovable look on the two men below. "Now," said +the Squire, "you can't see. Pronounce the word 'testimony' twice, +slowly. Think of a number, multiply by four, subtract the Thirty-nine +Articles, add a Sunday School and a packet of buns. Result, you're a +freethinker." And with that he bowed BOB out of the room. + +CHAPTER V. + +A terrible storm was raging in the Rector's breast as he strode, +regardless of the cold, along the verdant lanes of Wendover. "Fool +that I was!" he muttered, pressing both hands convulsively to his +sides. "Why did I not pay more attention to arithmetic at school? I +could have crushed him, but I was ignorant. Was that result right?" +He reflected awhile mournfully, but he could bring it out in no other +way. "I must go through with it to the bitter end," he concluded, "and +CATHERINE must be told." But the thought of CATHERINE knitting quietly +at home, while she read Fox's _Book of Martyrs_, with a tender smile +on her thin lips, unmanned him. He sobbed bitterly. The front-door +of the Rectory was open. He walked in.--The rest is soon told. +He resigned the Rectory, and made a brand-new religion. CATHERINE +frowned, but it was useless. Thereupon she gave him cold bacon for +lunch during a whole fortnight, and the brave young soul which had +endured so much withered under this blight. And thus, acknowledging +the novelist's artistic necessity, ROBERT died.--[THE END.] + + * * * * * + +WINTER SEASON AT COVENT GARDEN.--Opening of Italian Opera last +Saturday, with _Aida_. Very well done. "Wait" between Second and Third +Act too long: "Waiters" in Gallery whistling. Wind whistling, too, in +Stalls. Operatic and rheumatic. Rugs and fur capes might be kept on +hire by Stall-keepers. Airs in _Aida_ delightful: draughts in Stalls +awful. Signor LAGO called before Curtain to receive First Night +congratulations. Signor LAGO ought to do good business "in front," +as there's evidently no difficulty in "raising the wind." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "L'ONION FAIT LA FORCE." + +_John Bull_. "NOW, MY DEAR LITTLE PORTUGAL, AS YOU ARE STRONG BE WISE, +OR YOU'LL GET YOURSELF INTO A PRETTY PICKLE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FIRE KING AND HIS FRIENDS. + +(_WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO MONK LEWIS AND THE AUTHORS OF "REJECTED +ADDRESSES."_) + + "No hardship would be inflicted upon manufacturers, if + dangerous trades in general were subjected to such a + supervision as would afford the largest attainable measure + of security to all engaged in them. The case is one which + urgently demands the consideration of Parliament, not only for + the protection of work-people, but even for the protection + of the Metropolis itself. It should never be forgotten + that fire constitutes the gravest risk to which London is + exposed."--_The Times_. + + The Fire King one day rather furious felt, + He mounted his steam-horse satanic; + Its head and its tail were of steel, with a belt + Of riveted boiler-plate proved not to melt + With heat howsoever volcanic. + + The sight of the King with that flame-face of his + Was something exceedingly horrid; + The rain, as it fell on his flight, gave a fizz + Like unbottled champagne, and went off with a whizz + As it sprinkled his rubicund forehead. + + The sound of his voice as he soared to the sky + Was that of a ghoul with the grumbles. + His teeth were so hot, and his tongue was so dry, + That his shout seemed us raucous as though one should try + To play on a big drum with dumb-bells. + + From his nostrils a naphthaline odour outflows, + In his trail a petroleum-whiff lingers. + With crude nitro-glycerine glitter his hose, + Suggestions of dynamite hang round his nose, + And gunpowder grimeth his fingers. + + His hair is of flame fizzing over his head, + As likewise his heard and eye-lashes; + His drink's "low-test naphtha," his nag, it is said, + Eats flaming tow soaked in combustibles dread, + Which hot from the manger he gnashes. + + The Fire King set spurs to the steed he bestrode, + Intent to mix pleasure with profit. + He was off to Vine Street in the Farringdon Road, + And soon with the flames of fired naphtha it flowed + As though 'twere the entry to Tophet. + + He sought HARROD's Stores whence soon issued a blast + Of oil-flame that lighted the City + Then he turned to Cloth Fair. Hold, my Muse! not too fast! + On the Fire King's last victims in silence we'll cast + A look of respectfullest pity. + + But the Fire King flames on; Now he pulls up to snatch + Some fodder. The stable's in danger. + His whip is a torch, and each spur is a match, + And over the horse's left eye is a patch, + To keep it from scorching the manger. + + But who is the Ostler, and who is his lad, + In fodder-supplying alliance, + Who feed the Fire King and his Steed? 'Tis too bad + That TRADE should feed Fire, and his henchman seem glad + To set wholesome Law at defiance. + + See, Trade stocks the manger, and there is the pail + Full set by the imp Illegality! + That fierce fiery Pegasus thus to regale, + When he's danger and death from hot head to flame-tail, + Is cruelly callous brutality. + + Ah, Justice looks stern, and, indeed, well she may, + With such a vile vision before her. + The ignipotent nag and its rider to stay + In their dangerous course is her duty to-day, + And to _do_ it the public implore her. + + "By Jingo!" cries _Punch_, "you nefarious Two, + Your alliance humanity jars on! + If you feed the Fire Fiend, with disaster in view, + And the chance of men's death, 'twere mere justice to do + To have you indicted for arson!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. + +"OH, ROBERT, THE GROUSE HAS BEEN KEPT TOO LONG! I WONDER YOU CAN EAT +IT!" + +"MY DEAR, 'WE NEEDS MUST LOVE THE HIGHEST WHEN WE SEE IT!'" + +(_Guinevere._)] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE FRENCH EXHIBITION. + +_Chorus of Arab Stall-keepers._ Come and look! Alaha-ba-li-boo! Eet +is verri cold to-day! I-ah-rish Brandi! 'Ere, _Miss_! you com' 'ere! +No pay for lookin'. Alf a price! Verri pritti, verri nah-ice, verri +cheap, verri moch! And so on. + +_Chorus of British Saleswomen_. _Will_ you allow me to show you this +little novelty, Sir? _'Ave_ you seen the noo perfume sprinkler? Do +come and try this noo puzzle--no 'arm in _lookin'_, Sir. Very nice +little novelties 'ere, Sir! 'Eard the noo French Worltz, Sir? every +article is really very much reduced, &c, &c. + +AT THE FOLIES-BERGÈRE. + + SCENE--_A hall in the grounds. Several turnstiles leading to + curtained entrances._ + +_Showmen_ (_shouting_). Amphitrite, the Marvellous Floatin' Goddess. +Just about to commence! This way for the Mystic Gallery--three +Illusions for threepence! Atalanta, the Silver Queen of the Moon; the +Oriental Beauty in the Table of the Sphinx, and the Wonderful Galatea, +or Pygmalion's Dream. Only threepence! This way for the Mystic Marvel +o' She! Now commencing! + +_A Female Sightseer_ (_with the air of a person making an original +suggestion_). Shall we go in, just to see what it's like? + +_Male Ditto_. May as well, now we _are_ 'ere. (_To preserve himself +from any suspicion of credulity._) Sure to be a take-in o' some sort. + + [_They enter a dim apartment, in which two or three people are + leaning over a barrier in front of a small Stage; the Curtain + is lowered, and a Pianist is industriously pounding away at a + Waltz_. + +_The F.S._ (_with an uncomfortable giggle_). Not much to see _so_ far, +is there? + +_Her Companion_. Well, they ain't begun yet. + + [_The Waltz ends, and the Curtain rises, disclosing a Cavern + Scene._ Amphitrite, _in blue tights, rises through the floor._ + +_Amphitrite_ (_in the Gallic tongue_). Mesdarms et Messures, j'ai +'honnoor de vous sooayter le bong jour! (_Floats, with no apparent +support, in the air, and performs various graceful evolutions, +concluding by reversing herself completely_). Bong swore, Mesdarms +et messures, mes remercimongs! + + [_She dives below, and the Curtain descends._ + +_The F.S._ Is that all? I don't see nothing in _that_! + +_Her Comp._ (_who, having paid for admission, resents this want of +appreciation_). Why, she was off the ground the 'ole of the time, +wasn't she? I'd just like to see _you_ turnin' and twisting about +in the air as easy as she did with nothing to 'old on by! + +_The F.S._ I didn't notice she was off the ground--yes, that _was_ +clever. I never thought o' that before. Let's go and see the other +things now. + +_Her Comp._ Well, if you don't see nothing surprising in 'em till +they're all over, you might as well stop outside, _I_ should ha' +thought. + +_The F.S._ Oh, but I'll notice more next time--you've got to get +_used_ to these things, you know. + + [_They enter the Mystic Gallery, and find themselves in a + dim passage, opposite a partitioned compartment, in which + is a glass case, supported on four pedestals, with a silver + crescent at the back. The Illusions--to judge from a sound + of scurrying behind the scenes--have apparently been taken + somewhat unawares._ + +_The Female Sightseer_ (_anxious to please_). They've done that +'alf-moon very well, haven't they? + +_Voice of Showman_ (_addressing the Illusions_). Now then, 'urry up +there--we're all waiting for you. + + [_The face of "Atalanta, the Silver Queen of the Moon," + appears, strongly illuminated, inside the glass-box, and + regards the spectators with an impassive contempt--greatly to + their confusion._ + +_The Male S._ (_in a propitiatory tone_). Not a bad-looking girl, is +she? _Atalanta, the Queen of the Moon (to the Oriental Beauty in next +compartment_). Polly, when these people are gone, I wish you'd fetch +me my work! + + [_The Sightseers move on, feeling crushed. In the second + compartment the upper portion of a female is discovered, + calmly knitting in the centre of a small table, the legs + of which are distinctly visible._ + +_The Female S._ Why, wherever has the _rest_ of her got to? + +_The Oriental Beauty_ (_with conscious superiority_). That's what +you've got to find out. + + [_They pass on to interview "Galatea, or Pygmalion's Dream," + whose compartment is as yet enveloped in obscurity._ + +_A Youthful Showman_ (_apparently on familiar terms with all the +Illusions_). Ladies and Gentlemen, I shell now 'ave the honour of +persentin' to you the wonderful Galatear, or Livin' Statue; you will +'ave an oppertoonity of 'andling the bust for yourselves, which will +warm before your eyes into living flesh, and the lovely creecher live +and speak. 'Ere, look sharp, carn't yer'! [_To_ Galatea. + +_Pygmalion's Dream_ (_from the mystic gloom_). Wait a bit, till I've +done warming my 'ands. Now you can turn the lights up ... there, +you've bin and turned 'em _out_ now, stoopid! + +_The Y.S._ Don't you excite yourself. I know what I'm doin'. + +(_Turns the lights up, and reveals a large terra-cotta Bust._) At +my request, this young lydy will now perceed to assoom the yew and +kimplexion of life itself. Galatear, will you oblige us by kindly +coming to life? + + [_The Bust vanishes, and is replaced by a decidedly earthly + Young Woman in robust health._ + +_The Y.S._ Thenk you. That's all I wanted of yer. Now, will you kindly +return to your former styte? + + [_The Young Woman transforms herself into a hideous Skull._ + +_The Y.S._ (_in a tone of remonstrance_). No--no, not that ridiklous +fice! We don't want to see what yer will be--it's very _loike_ yer, +I know, but still--(_The Skull changes to the Bust._) Ah, that's +more the stoyle! (_Takes the Bust by the neck and hands it round for +inspection._) And now, thenking you for your kind attention, and on'y +orskin' one little fyvour of you, that is, that you will not reveal +'ow it is done, I will now bid you a very good evenin', Lydies and +Gentlemen! + +_The F.S._ (_outside_). It's wonderful how they can do it all for +threepence, isn't it? We haven't seen _She_ yet! + +_Her Comp._ What, 'aven't you seen wonders enough? Come on, then. But +you _are_ going it, you know! + + [_They enter a small room, at the further end of which are a + barrier and proscenium with drawn hangings._ + +_The Exhibitor_ (_in a confidential tone, punctuated by bows_). +I will not keep you waiting, Ladies and Gentlemen, but at once +proceed with a few preliminary remarks. Most of you, no doubt, have +read that celebrated story by Mr. RIDER HAGGARD, about a certain +_She-who-must-be-obeyed_, and who dwelt in a place called Kôr, and you +will also doubtless remember how she was in the 'abit of repairing, +at certain intervals, to a cavern, and renooing her youth in a fiery +piller. On one occasion, wishing to indooce her lover to foller her +example, she stepped into the flame to encourage him--something went +wrong with the works, and she was instantly redooced to a cinder. +I fortunately 'appened to be near at the time (you will escuse a +little wild fib from a showman, I'm sure!) I 'appened to be porsin +by, and was thus enabled to secure the ashes of the Wonderful She, +which--(_draws hangings and reveals a shallow metal Urn suspended in +the centre of scene_), are now before you enclosed in that little urn. +She--where are you? + +_She_ (_in a full sweet voice, from below_). I am 'ere! + +_Showman_. Then appear! + + [_The upper portion of an exceedingly comely Young Person + emerges from the mouth of the Urn._ + +_The F.S._ (_startled_). Lor, she give me quite a turn! + +_Showman_. Some people think this is all done by mirrors, but it is +not so; it is managed by a simple arrangement of light and shade. She +will now turn slowly round, to convince you that she is really inside +the urn and not merely beyind it. (She _turns round condescendingly._) +She will next pass her 'ands completely round her, thereby +demonstrating the utter impossibility of there being any wires to +support her. Now she will rap on the walls on each side of her, +proving to you that she is no reflection, but a solid reality, after +which she will tap the bottom of the urn beneath her, so that you +may see it really is what it purports to be. (She _performs all these +actions in the most obliging manner_.) She will now disappear for a +moment. (She _sinks into the Urn._) Are you still there, She? + +_She_ (_from the recess of the Urn_). Yes. + +_Showman_. Then will you give us some sign of your presence! (_A hand +and arm are protruded, and waved gracefully._) Thank you. Now you can +come up again. (She _re-appears._) She will now answer any questions +any lady or gentleman may like to put to her, always provided you +won't ask her how it is done--for I'm sure she wouldn't give me away, +_would_ you, She? + +_She_ (_with a slow bow and gracious smile_). Certingly not. + +_The F.S._ (_to her Companion_). Ask her something--do. + +_Her Comp._ Go on! _I_ ain't got anything to ask her--ask her +yourself! + +_A Bolder Spirit_ (_with interest_). Are your _feet_ warm? + +_She_. Quite--thanks. + +_The Showman_. How old are you, She? + +_She_ (_impressively_). Two theousand years. + +_'Arry._ And quite a young thing, too! + +_A Spectator_ (_who has read the Novel_). 'Ave you 'eard from LEO +VINCEY lately? + +_She_ (_coldly_). I don't know the gentleman. + +_Showman_. If you have no more questions to ask her, She will now +retire into her urn, thanking you all for your kind attendance this +morning, which will conclude the entertainment. + + [_Final disappearance of_ She. _The Audience pass out, + feeling--with perfect justice--that they have "had their + money's worth."_ + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +_A HAND-BOOK OF HONESTY._ + +NO. III.--GRANDMOTHERLY GOVERNMENT. + + SCENE I.--_St. Stephen's._ Sagacious Legislator _on his legs + advocating a new Anti-Adulteration Act. Few M.P.'s present, + most of them drowsing_. + +_Sagacious Legislator_. As I was saying, Sir, the adulteration of +Butter has been pushed to such abominable lengths that no British +Workman knows whether what he is eating is the product of the Cow +or of the Thames mud-banks. (_A snigger._) Talk of a Free Breakfast +Table! I would free the Briton's Breakfast Table from the unwholesome +incubus of Adulteration. At any rate, if the customer chooses to +purchase butter which is _not_ butter, he shall do it knowingly, with +his eyes open. (_Feeble "Hear, hear!"_) Under this Act anything which +is not absolutely unsophisticated milk-made Butter must be plainly +marked, and openly vended as Adipocerene! + +[Illustration] + + [_Amidst considerable applause the Act is passed._ + + SCENE II.--_Small Butterman's shop in a poor neighbourhood. + Burly white-apron'd Proprietor behind counter. To him enter a + pasty-faced Workman, with a greasy pat of something wrapped in + a leaf from a ledger._ + +_Workman._ I say, Guv'nor, lookye here. This 'ere stuff as you sold my +old woman, is simply beastly. I don't believe it's butter at all. + +_Butterman_ (_sneeringly_). And who said it _was_? What did your +Missus buy it as? + +_Workman_. Why, Adipo--whot's it, I believe. But that's only another +name for butter of a cheaper sort, ain't it? Anyhow, it's no reason +why it should be nasty. + +_Butterman_ (_loftily_). Now look here, my man, what do you expect? +That's Adipocerene, that is, and _sold as such_. If you'll pay for +Butter, you can have it; but if you ask for this here stuff, you must +take yer chance. + +_Workman_. But what's it made on? + +_Butterman_. That's no business of mine. If you could anerlyse +it--(mind, I don't say yer _could_)--into stale suet and +sewer-scrapings, you couldn't prove as it warn't Adipocerene, same as +it's sold for, could yer? + +_Workman_ (_hotly_). But hang it, I don't _want_ stale suet and +sewer-scrapings, whatsomever you may call it. + +_Butterman_ (_decisively_). Then buy Butter, and _pay_ for it like a +man, and don't come a-bothering me about things as I've nothink to do +with. If Guv'ment _will_ have it called Adipocerene, and your Missus +_will_ buy it becos it's cheap; don't you blame _me_ if you find it +nasty, that's all. Good morning! + + [_Retires up, "swelling visibly."_ + +_Workman_. Humph! Betwixt Grandmotherly Government and Manufacturers +of Mysteriousness, where _am_ I? That's wot I want to know! [_Left +wanting to know._ + + * * * * * + +TO ENGELBERG AND BACK. + +_BEING A FEW NOTES TAKEN EN ROUTE IN SEARCH OF A PERFECT CURE._ + +The Engineers who constructed the gradually ascending road which, +slowly mounting the valley, finally takes you over the ridge, as it +were, and deposits you at a height of 3800 feet, dusty but grateful, +on the plain of Engelberg, must have been practical jokers of the +first water. They lead you up in the right direction several thousand +feet, then suddenly turn you round, and apparently take you clean back +again. And this not once, but a dozen times. They seem to say, "You +think you must reach the top _this_ time, my fine fellow? Not a bit of +it. Back you go again." + +Still we kept turning and turning whither the Practical-joking +Engineers led us, but seemed as far off from our journey's end as +ever. A roadside inn for a moment deluded us with its light, but we +only drew up in front of this while our gloomy charioteer sat down +to a good square meal, the third he had had since three o'clock, over +which he consumed exactly five-and-twenty minutes, keeping us waiting +while he disposed of it at his leisure, in a fit of depressing but +greedy sulks. + +At length we moved on again, and in about another half-an-hour +apparently reached the limit of the Practical-joking Engineers' work, +for our surly charioteer suddenly jumped on the box, and cracking +his whip furiously, got all the pace that was left in them out of +our three sagacious horses, and in a few more minutes we were tearing +along a level road past scattered _châlets_, little wooden toy-shops, +and isolated _pensions_, towards a colossal-looking white palace that +stood out a grateful sight in the distance before us, basking in the +calm white-blue blaze shed upon it from a couple of lofty electric +lights, that told us that up here in the mountains we were not coming +to rough it, but to be welcomed by the latest luxuries and refinements +of first-rate modern hotel accommodation. And this proved to be +the case. Immediately he arrived in the large entrance-hall, the +Dilapidated One was greeted by the Landlord of the Hotel et Kurhaus, +Titlis, politely assisted to the lift, and finally deposited in the +comfortable and electrically-lighted room which had been assigned to +him. + +"We are extremely full," announced the polite Herr to Dr. MELCHISIDEC; +"and we just come from finishing the second dinner,"--which seemed +to account for his being "extremely full,"--"but as soon as you +will descend from your rooms, there will be supper ready at your +disposition." + +"You'll just come and look at the Bath-chair before you turn in?" +inquired Dr. MELCHISIDEC, of the Dilapidated One, "It's arrived all +right from Zurich. Come by post, apparently." + +"Oh, that's nothing," continued young JERRYMAN, "why, there's nothing +you can't send by post in Switzerland, from a house full of furniture, +down to a grand piano or cage of canaries. You've only got to clap +a postage-stamp on it, and there you are!" And the arrival of the +Bath-chair certainly seemed to indicate that he was telling something +very like the truth. + +[Illustration: The Trick Chair.] + +"I don't quite see how this guiding-wheel is to act," remarked Dr. +MELCHISIDEC, examining the chair, which was of rather pantomimic +proportions, critically; "but suppose you just get in and try it! 'Pon +my word it almost looks like a 'trick-chair'!" which indeed it proved +itself to be, jerking up in a most unaccountable fashion the moment +the Dilapidated One put his foot into it, and unceremoniously sending +him flying out on to his head forthwith. "A little awkward at first," +he remarked, assisting the Dilapidated One on to his feet. "One has +to get accustomed to these things, you see; but, bless you, in a +day or two you won't want it at all. You'll find the air here like +a continual draught of champagne. 'Pon my word, I believe you feel +better already," and with this inspiriting assurance the Dilapidated +One, who had not only covered himself with dust, but severely bruised +his shins, saying that "he thought, perhaps, he did--just a little," +was again assisted to the lift, and safely consigned to his room, +where he was comfortably packed away for the night. + +"I say," says young JERRYMAN, next morning, "what a place for bells!" + +[Illustration: A Peripatetic Peal.] + +And young JERRYMAN was right, for I was awoke in the small hours of +the morning by a loud peal from the Monastery, as if the Prior had +suddenly said to himself, "What's the use of the bells if you don't +ring 'em? By Jove, I will!" and had then and there jumped from his +couch, seized hold of the ropes, and set to work with a right good +will. Then the hotels and _pensions_ took it up, and so, what with +seven o'clock, eight o'clock, and nine o'clock breakfasts, first +and second _déjeuners_, first and second dinners, interspersed +with "Office Hours" sounded by the Monastery, and the sound of +the dinner-bells carried by the cattle, Dingle-berg, rather than +Engelberg, would be a highly appropriate name for this somewhat noisy, +but otherwise delightful health-resort. + +"I call this 'fatal dull' after Paris," remarked a fair Americaine to +young JERRYMAN; and, perhaps, from a certain point of view, she may +have been right; but, fatal dull, or lively, there can be no two +opinions about the life-giving properties of the air. + + * * * * * + +OLD JOE ENCORE.--Last Wednesday in the FARRAR _v._ Publisher +discussion, a Correspondent, signing himself JOHN TAYLOR, of Dagnall +Park, Selhurst, wrote to _The Times_ to "quote an anecdote" about +DOUGLAS JERROLD and "a Publisher." Rarely has a good old story been so +spoilt in the telling as in this instance. The true story is of ALBERT +SMITH and DOUGLAS JERROLD, and has been already told in the _Times_ by +a Correspondent signing himself "E.Y." It is of the same respectable +age as that one of ALBERT SMITH signing his initials "A.S.," and +JERROLD observing, "He only tells two-thirds of the truth." Perhaps +Mr. JOHN TAYLOR, of Dagnall Park, Selhurst, is going to favour us with +a little volume of "new sayings by old worthies" at Christmas time, +and we shall hear how SHERIDAN once asked TOM B---- "why a miller +wore a white hat?" And how ERSKINE, on hearing a witness's evidence +about a door being open, explained to him that his evidence would be +worthless, because a door could not be considered as a door "if it +were a jar," and several other excellent stories, which, being told +for the first time with the _verve_ and local colouring of which the +writer of the letter to _The Times_ is evidently a past-master, will +secure for the little work an enormous popularity. + + * * * * * + +A SCOTT AND A LOT.--"Thirty Years at the Play" is the title of Mr. +CLEMENT SCOTT's Lecture to be delivered next Saturday at the Garrick +Theatre, for the benefit of the Actors' Benevolent Fund. Thirty years +of Play-time! All play, and lots of work. Mr. IRVING is to introduce +the lecturer to his audience, who, up to that moment, will have been +"Strangers Yet," and this CLEMENT will be SCOTT-free to say what he +likes, and to tell 'em all about it generally. "SCOTT" will be on the +stage, and the "Lot" in the auditorium. Lot's Wife also. + + * * * * * + +ETHER-DRINKING IN IRELAND.--Mr. ERNEST HART (bless his heart and +earnestness!) lectured last week on "Ether-Drinking in Ireland." He +lectured "The Society for the Study of Inebriety"--a Society which +must be slightly "mixed"--on this bad habit, and no doubt implored +them to give it up. The party sang, "_How Happy could we be with +Ether_" and the discussion was continued until there was nothing +more to be said. + + * * * * * + +CLERGY IN PARLIAMENT.--As Bishops "sit" in the Upper House, why should +not "the inferior clergy" "stand" for the Lower House? If they get in, +why shouldn't they be seated? Surely what's right in the Bishop isn't +wrong in the Rector? + + * * * * * + +LITERARY ADVERTISEMENT.--The forthcoming work by the Vulnerable +Archdeacon F-RR-R, will be entitled, _The Pharrarsee and the +Publisher_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TRAIN UP A CHILD," &C. + +_Enter Fair Daughter of the House with the Village Carpenter_. "MAMMA, +YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT KIND HEARTS WERE MORE THAN CORONETS, AND +SIMPLE FAITH THAN NORMAN BLOOD, AND ALL THAT?" + +_Lady Clara Robinson_ (_née Vere de Vere_). "CERTAINLY DEAR, _MOST_ +CERTAINLY!" + +_Fair Daughter_. "WELL, I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED YOU; AND JIM BRADAWL HAS +ASKED ME TO BE HIS WIFE, AND I'VE ACCEPTED HIM. WE'VE ALWAYS LOVED +EACH OTHER SINCE YOU LET US PLAY TOGETHER AS CHILDREN!" + +[_Her Ladyship forgets, for once, the repose that stamps her caste._] + + * * * * * + +THE McGLADSTONE; + +OR, BLOWING THE BUGLE. + +_(FRAGMENTS FROM THE LATEST (MIDLOTHIAN) VERSION OF "THE LORD OF THE +ISLES."_) + + McGLADSTONE rose--his pallid cheek + Was little wont his joy to speak, + But then his colour rose. + "Now, Scotland! shortly shalt thou see + That age checks not McGLADSTONE's glee, + Nor stints his swashing blows!" + + Again that light has fired his eye, + Again his form swells bold and high; + The broken voice of age is gone, + 'Tis vigorous manhood's lofty tone. + The foe he menaces again, + Thrice vanquished on Midlothian's plain; + Then, scorning any longer stay, + Embarks, lifts sail, and bears away. + + Merrily, merrily bounds the bark, + She bounds before the gale; + The "flowing tide" is with her. Hark! + How joyous in her sail + Flutters the breeze like laughter hoarse! + The cords and canvas strain, + The waves divided by her force + In rippling eddies, chase her course. + As if they laughed again. + 'Tis then that warlike signals wake + Dalmeney's towers, and fair Beeslack. + + And eke brave BALFOUR's walls (Q.C. + And Scottish Dean of Faculty) + Whose home shall house the great McG. + A summons these to each stout clan + That lives in far Midlothian, + And, ready at the sight, + Each warrior to his weapon sprung, + And targe upon his shoulder flung, + Impatient for the fight. + + Merrily, merrily, bounds the bark + On a breeze to the northward free. + So shoots through the morning sky the lark, + Or the swan through the summer sea. + Merrily, merrily, goes the bark-- + Before the gale she bounds; + So darts the dolphin from the shark, + Or the deer before the hounds. + McGLADSTONE stands upon the prow, + The mountain breeze salutes his brow, + He snuffs the breath of coming fight, + His dark eyes blaze with battle-light, + And memories of old, + When thus he rallied to the fray + Against the bold BUCCLEUCH's array, + His clansmen. In the same old way + He trusts to rally them to-day. + Shall he succeed? Who, who shall say? + But neither fear no doubt may stay + His spirit keen and bold! + + He cries, the Chieftain Old and Grand, + "I fight once more for mine own hand; + Meanwhile our vessel nears the land, + Launch we the boat, and seek the land!" + + To land McGLADSTONE lightly sprung, + And thrice aloud his bugle rung + With note prolonged, and varied strain, + Till Edin dun replied again. + When waked that horn the party bounds, + Scotia responded to its sounds; + Oft had she heard it fire the fight, + Cheer the pursuit, or stop the flight. + Dead were her heart, and deaf her ear, + If it should call, and she not hear. + The shout went up in loud Clan-Rad's tone, + "_That_ blast was winded by McGLADSTONE!" + + * * * * * + +RUM FROM JAMAICA--VERY.--When "the bauble" was removed from the table +of the House, by order of OLIVER CROMWELL, it was sent with somebody's +compliments at a later date to Jamaica, and placed on the Parliament +table. What became of it nobody knows. It is supposed that this +ensign of ancient British Royalty was swallowed up by an earthquake +of republican tendencies. Jamaica, of course, is a great place for +spices; but, in spite of all the highly spiced stories, the origin of +which is more or less aus-spice-ious, it is to be regretted that, up +to the present moment, what gave them their peculiar flavour, i.e., +the original Mace, cannot be found. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE McGLADSTONE! + + "TO LAND McGLADSTONE LIGHTLY SPRANG, + AND THRICE ALOUD HIS BUGLE RANG + WITH NOTE PROLONG'D AND VARIED STRAIN, + TILL BOLD BEN-GHOIL REPLIED AGAIN." + +_"Lord of the Isles." Canto IV._] + + * * * * * + +WANTED---A SOCIETY FOR THE PROTECTION OF "CELEBRITIES." + +[Illustration] + +When some years ago EDMUNDUS ED. MUNDI first introduced to London the +gentle art of Interviewing, the idea was in a general way a novelty +in this country. It "caught on," and achieved success. Some public men +affected, privately, not to like the extra publicity given to their +words and actions; but it was only an affectation, and in a general +way a great many suddenly found themselves dubbed "Celebrities," +hall-marked as such by _The World_, and able therefore to hand +themselves down to posterity, in bound volumes containing this one +invaluable number as having been recognised by the world at large as +undoubted Celebrities, ignorance of whose existence would argue utter +social insignificance. So great was the _World's_ success in this +particular line, that at once there sprang up a host of imitators, +and the Celebrities were again tempted to make themselves still +more celebrated by having good-natured caricatures of themselves +made by "Age" and "Spy." After this, the deluge, of biographies, +autobiographies, interviewings, photographic realities, portraits +plain and coloured--many of them uncommonly plain, and some of them +wonderfully coloured,--until a Celebrity who has _not_ been done and +served up, with or without a plate, is a Celebrity indeed. + +"Celebrities" have hitherto been valuable to the interviewer, +photographer, and proprietor of a Magazine in due proportion. Is it +not high time that the Celebrities themselves have a slice or two out +of the cake? If they consent to sit as models to the interviewer and +photographer, let them price their own time. The Baron offers a model +of correspondence on both sides, and, if his example is followed, up +goes the price of "Celebrities," and, consequently, of interviewed and +interviewers, there will be only a survival of the fittest. + +_FROM A. SOPHTE SOPER TO THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS._ + +SIR,--Messrs. TOWER, FONDLER, TROTTING & Co., are now engaged in +bringing out a series of the leading Literary, Dramatic and Artistic +Notabilities of the present day, and feeling that the work which has +now reached its hundred-and-second number, would indeed be incomplete +did it not include _your_ name, the above-mentioned firm has +commissioned me to request you to accord me an interview as soon as +possible. I propose bringing with me an eminent photographer, and +also an artist who will make a sketch of your surroundings, and so +contribute towards producing a complete picture which cannot fail to +interest and delight the thousands at home and abroad, to whom your +name is as a household word, and who will be delighted to possess a +portrait of one whose works have given them so much pleasure, and +to obtain a closer and more intimate acquaintance with the _modus +operandi_ pursued by one of their most favourite authors. + +I remain, Sir, yours truly, + +A. SOPHTE SOPER. + +_To the_ BARON DE BOOK-WORMS, _Vermoulen Lodge_. + +_FROM THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS TO A. SOPHTE SOPER, ESQ._ + +DEAB SIR,--Thanks. I quite appreciate your appreciation. My terms +for an article in a Magazine, are twenty guineas the first hour, +ten guineas the second, and so on. For dinner-table anecdotes, the +property in which once made public is lost for ever to the originator, +special terms. As to photographs, I will sign every copy, and take +twopence on every copy. I'm a little pressed for time now, so if you +can manage it, we will defer the visit for a week or two, and then I'm +your man. + +Yours truly, + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + +_MR. A. SOPHTE SOPER TO THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS._ + +MY DEAR BARON,--I'm afraid I didn't quite make myself understood. I +did not ask _you_ to write the article, being commissioned by the +firm to do it myself. The photographs will not be sold apart from +the Magazine. Awaiting your favourable response,-- + +I am, Sir, Yours, + +A. SOPHTE SOPER. + +_FROM THE BARON TO A. SOPHTE SOPER._ + +DEAR SIR,--I _quite_ understood. With the generous view of doing me a +good turn by giving me the almost inestimable advantage of advertising +myself in Messrs. TOWERS & Co.'s widely-circulated Magazine, you +propose to interview me, and receive from me such orally given +information as you may require concerning my life, history, work, and +everything about myself which, in your opinion, would interest the +readers of this Magazine. I quite appreciate all this. You propose to +write the article, _and I'm to find you the materials for it_. Good. I +don't venture to put any price on the admirable work which your talent +will produce,--that's for you and your publishers to settle between +you, and, as a matter of fact, it has been already settled, as you +are in their employ. But I _can_ put a price on my own, and I do. I +collaborate with you in furnishing all the materials of which you are +in need. _Soit._ For the use of my Pegasus, no matter what its breed, +and, as it isn't a gift-horse, but a hired one, you can examine its +mouth and legs critically whenever you are going to mount and guide it +at your own sweet will, _I charge twenty guineas for the first hour_, +and _ten for the second_. It may be dear, or it may be cheap. That's +not my affair. _C'est à laisser ou à prendre._ + +The Magazine in which the article is to appear is not given away +with a pound of tea, or anything of that sort I presume, so that your +strictly honourable and business-like firm of employers, and you also, +Sir, in the regular course of your relations with them, intend making +something out of me, more or less, but something, while I get nothing +at all for my time, which is decidedly as valuable to me as, I +presume, is yours to you. What have your publishers ever done for me +that I should give them my work for nothing? Time is money; why should +I make Messrs. TOWER, FONDLER & Co. a present of twenty pounds, or, +for the matter of that, even ten shillings? If I misapprehend the +situation, and you are doing your work gratis and for the love of the +thing, then that is _your_ affair, not mine: I'm glad to hear it, and +regret my inability to join you in the luxury of giving away what it +is an imperative necessity of my existence to sell at the best price +I can. Do you honestly imagine, Sir, that my literary position will +be one farthing's-worth improved by a memoir and a portrait of me +appearing in your widely-circulated journal? If _you_ do, _I don't_; +and I prefer to be paid for my work, whether I dictate the material to +a scribe, who is to serve it up in his own fashion, or whether I write +it myself. And now I come to consider it, I should be inclined to make +an additional charge for _not_ writing it myself, Not to take you and +your worthy firm of employers by surprise, I will make out beforehand +a supposititious bill, and then Messrs. TOWER & Co. can close with my +offer or not, as they please. + + £. s. d. + To preparing (in special costume) to receive Interviewer, + for putting aside letters, refusing to see tradesmen, &c. 3 0 0 + To receiving Interviewer, Photographer, and Artist, and + talking about nothing in particular for ten minutes. 5 0 0 + To cigars and light refreshments all round. 10 6 + To giving an account of my life and works generally + (this being the article itself). 20 0 0 + To showing photographs, books, pictures, playbills, and + various curios in my collection. 5 0 0 + To being photographed in several attitudes in the back + garden three times, and incurring the danger of catching + a severe cold. 3 0 0 + (***_On the condition that I should sign all photos sold + inspect books, and receive_ 10 _per cent. of gross receipts._) + To allowing black-and-white Artist to make a sketch of my + study, also of myself. 0 0 0 + (***_On the condition that only this one picture is to + be done, and that if sold separately, I must receive_ + 10 _per cent. of such sale._) + Luncheon, with champagne for the lot, at 15s. per head 2 5 0 + Cigars and liqueurs. 0 10 0 + For time occupied at luncheon in giving further details of + my life and history. 10 0 0 + ----------- + Total £49 5 6 + +The refreshments are entirely optional, and therefore can be struck +out beforehand. + +Pray show the above to the eminent firm which has the advantage of +your zealous services, and believe me to remain + +Your most sincerely obliged + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + +To the above a reply may be expected, and, if received, it will +probably be in a different tone from Mr. SOPHTE SOPER's previous +communications. No matter. There's an end of it. The Baron's advice to +all "Celebrities," when asked to permit themselves to be interviewed, +is, in the language of the poet,-- + + "Charge, Chester, charge!" + +then they will have benefited other Celebrities all round, and the +result will be that either only those authors will be interviewed who +are worth the price of interviewing, or the professional biographical +compilers will have to hunt up nobodies, dress up jays as peacocks, +and so bring the legitimate business of "Interviewing" into +well-deserved contempt. + + * * * * * + +_Two Men in a Boat_. By Messrs. DILLON and O'BRIEN. + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD CAMPAIGNER IN SCOTLAND.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROPOSED RAISING OF PICCADILLY. + +"Let the road be raised, &c.... Only one house in Piccadilly at +present standing would suffer.... And I think the Badminton Club." + +_Vile Letter to Times, Oct_. 11. + +SUDDEN APPEARANCE OF THE PICCADILLY GOAT TO ELDERLY GENTLEMAN, WHO IS +QUIETLY DRESSING IN HIS ROOM ON SECOND FLOOR. + +A CLUB ALMOST ENTIRELY DISAPPEARS. MEMBERS MAKE THE BEST OF THE +SITUATION.] + + * * * * * + +L'ART DE CAUSER. + +(_WITH EFFECTS UP TO DATE._) + + [English ladies, conscious of conversational defects, and + desirous of shining in Society, may be expected to imitate + their American Cousins, who, according to _The Daily News_, + employ a lady crammer who has made a study of the subject she + teaches. Before a dinner or luncheon party, the crammer spends + an hour or two with the pupil, and coaches her up in general + conversation.] + + It really took us by surprise, + We thought her but a mere beginner, + And widely opened were our eyes + To hear her brilliant talk at dinner. + She always knew just what to say, + And said it well, nor for a minute + Was ever at a loss,--I may + As well confess--we men weren't in it! + + The talk was of Roumania's Queen, + And was she equal, say, to DANTE?-- + The way that race was won by _Sheen_, + And not the horse called _Alicánte_-- + Of how some charities were frauds, + How some again were quite deserving-- + The beauties of the Norfolk broads-- + The latest hit of Mr. IRVING-- + + Does sap go up or down the stem?-- + The Boom of Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING-- + The speeches of the G.O.M.-- + The strength of Mr. MORLEY's "stripling" + _Was_ JONAH swallowed by the whale?-- + The price of jute--we wondered all if + They'd have the heart to send to gaol + Those heroes, SLAVIN and McAULIFFE. + + "Oh, maiden fair," I said at last, + "To hear you talk is most delightful; + But yet the time, it's clear, you've passed + In reading must be something frightful. + Come--do you trouble thus your head + Because you want to go to College + By getting out of Mr. STEAD + £300 for General Knowledge?" + + "Kind Sir," she promptly then replied, + "Your guess, I quite admit, was clever, + And, if I now in you confide, + You'll keep it dark, I'm sure, for ever. + Yet do not get, I pray, enraged, + For how I got my information + Was simply this--_I have engaged_ + _A Coach in General Conversation_," + + * * * * * + +SERVED À LA RUSSE. + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +Will you allow me, as one who knows Russia by heart, to express my +intense admiration for the new piece at the Shaftesbury Theatre, in +which is given, in my opinion, the most faithful picture of the CZAR's +dominions as yet exhibited to the British Public. ACT I. is devoted +to "a Street near the Banks of the Neva, St. Petersburg," and here +we have a splendid view of the Winter Palace, and what I took to be +the Kremlin at Moscow. On one side is the house of a money-lender, +and on the other the shelter afforded to a drosky-driver and his +starving family. The author, whose name must be BUCHANANOFF (though he +modestly drops the ultimate syllable), gives as a second title to this +portion of his wonderful work, "The Dirge for the Dead." It is very +appropriate. A student, whose funds are at the lowest ebb, commits a +purposeless murder, and a "pope" who has been on the look-out no doubt +for years, seizes the opportunity to rush into the murdered man's +dwelling, and sing over his inanimate body a little thing of his own +composition. Anyone who has been in Russia will immediately recognise +this incident as absolutely true to life. Amongst my own acquaintance +I know three priests who did precisely the same thing--they are called +BROWNOFF, JONESKI, and ROBINSONOFF. + +Next we have the Palace of the _Princess Orenburg_, and make the +acquaintance of _Anna Ivanovna_, a young lady who is the sister of the +aimless murderer, and owner of untold riches. We are also introduced +to the Head of Police, who, as everyone knows, is a cross between a +suburban inspector, a low-class inquiry agent, and a _flaneur_ moving +in the best Society. We find, too, naturally enough, an English +_attaché_, whose chief aim is to insult an aged Russian General, whose +_sobriquet_ is, "the Hero of Sebastopol." Then the aimless murderer +reveals his crime, which, of course, escapes detection save at the +hands of _Prince Zosimoff_, a nobleman, who I fancy, from his name, +must have discovered a new kind of tooth-powder. + +Next we have the "Interior of a Common Lodging House," the counterpart +of which may be found in almost any street in the modern capital of +Russia. There are the religious pictures, the cathedral immediately +opposite, with its stained-glass windows and intermittent organ, and +the air of sanctity without which no Russian Common Lodging House +is complete. Needless to say that _Prince Tooth-powder_--I beg +pardon--and _Anna_ listen while _Fedor Ivanovitch_ again confesses his +crime, this time to the daughter of the drosky-driver, for whom he has +a sincere regard, and I may add, affection. Although with a well-timed +scream his sister might interrupt the awkward avowal, she prefers to +listen to the bitter end. This reminds me of several cases recorded in +the _Newgatekoff Calendaroff_, a miscellany of Russian crimes. + +After this we come to the Gardens of the Palace Taurida, when _Fedor_ +is at length arrested and carted off to Siberia, an excellent picture +of which is given in the last Act. Those who _really_ know Russian +Society-will not be surprised to find that the Chief of the Police +(promoted to a new position and a fur-trimmed coat), and the principal +characters of the drama have also found their way to the Military +Outpost on the borders of the dreaded region. I say dreaded, but +should have added, without cause. M. BUCHANANOFF shows us a very +pleasant picture. The prisoners seem to have very little to do save to +preserve the life of the Governor, and to talk heroics about liberty +and other kindred subjects. _Prince Zosimoff_ attempts, for the +fourth or fifth time, to make _Anna_ his own--he calls the pursuit "a +caprice," and it is indeed a strange one--and is, in the nick of time, +arrested, by order of the CZAR. After this pleasing and natural little +incident, everyone prepares to go back to St. Petersburg, with the +solitary exception of the Prince, who is ordered off to the Mines. No +doubt the Emperor of RUSSIA had used the tooth-powder, and, finding +it distasteful to him, had taken speedy vengeance upon its presumed +inventor. + +I have but one fault to find with the representation. The play is +capital, the scenery excellent, and the acting beyond all praise. But +I am not quite sure about the title. M. BUCHANANOFF calls his play +"_The_ Sixth _Commandment_"--he would have been, in my opinion, nearer +the mark, had he brought it into closer association with the Ninth! + +Believe me, dear _Mr. Punch_, + +Yours, respectfully, + +RUSS IN URBE. + + * * * * * + +IN OUR GARDEN. + +[Illustration] + +"Suppose, TOBY dear boy," said the Member for Sark, "we start a +garden, and work in it ourselves. TEMPLE did it, you know, when he +was tired of affairs of State." + +"Sir RICHARD?" I asked, never remembering to have seen the Member +for Evesham in the company of a rake. + +"No; CHARLES THE SECOND's Minister, who went down to Sheen two +centuries before the Orleanist Princes, and grew roses. Of course +I don't mean to be there much in the Session. The thing is to have +something during Recess to gently engage the mind and fully occupy +the body." + +This conversation took place towards the end of last Session but one. +By odd coincidence I had met the Member for Sark as I was coming +from OLD MORALITY's room, where I had been quietly dining with him, +JACKSON and AKERS-DOUGLAS made up party of four. It was second week +of August; everybody tired to death. OLD MORALITY asked me to look +in and join them about eight o'clock. Knocked at door; no answer; +curious scurrying going round; somebody running and jumping; heard +OLD MORALITY's voice, in gleeful notes, "Now then, DOUGLAS, tuck +in your tuppenny! Here you are, JACKSON! keep the mill a goin'!" +Knocked again; no answer; opened door gently; beheld strange sight. +The Patronage Secretary was "giving a back" to the FIRST LORD of +the TREASURY. OLD MORALITY, taking running jump, cleared it with +surprising agility considering AKERS-DOUGLAS'S inches. Then he trotted +on a few paces, folded his arms and bent his head; Financial Secretary +to Treasury, clearing AKERS-DOUGLAS, took OLD MORALITY in his stride, +and "tucked in his tuppenny" in turn. + +Thought I had better retire. Seemed on the whole the proceedings +demanded privacy; but OLD MORALITY, catching sight of me, called out, +"Come along, TOBY! Only our little game. Fall in, and take your turn." + +Rather afraid of falling over, but didn't like to spoil sport; cleared +OLD MORALITY capitally; scrambled over AKERS-DOUGLAS; but couldn't +manage JACKSON. + +"I can't get over him," I said, apologetically. + +"No," said AKERS-DOUGLAS, "he's a Yorkshireman." + +"'Tis but a primitive pastime," observed OLD MORALITY, when, later, we +sat down to dinner; "but remarkably refreshing; a great stimulant for +the appetite. Indeed," he added, as he transferred a whole grouse to +his plate, "I do not know anything that more forcibly brings home to +the mind the truth underlying the old Greek aphorism, that a bird on +your plate is worth two in the dish." + +I gathered in conversation that when business gets a little heavy, +when time presses, and leisure for exercise is curtailed, OLD MORALITY +generally has ten minutes leap-frog before dinner. + +"We used at first to play it in the corridor; an excellent place; +apparently especially designed for the purpose; but we were always +liable to interruption, and by putting the chairs on the table here +we manage well enough. It's been the making of me, and I may add, +has enabled my Right Hon. friends with increased vigour and ease +to perform their duty to their QUEEN and Country. The great thing, +dear TOBY, is to judiciously commingle physical exercise with mental +activity. What says the great bard of Abydos? _Mens sana in corpore +sano_, which being translated means, mens--or perhaps I should say, +men--should incorporate bodily exercise with mental exercitation." + +Of course I did not disclose to the Member for Sark, what had taken +place in the privity of OLD MORALITY's room. That is not my way. The +secret is ever sacred with me, and shall be carried with me to the +silent tomb. But I was much impressed with the practical suggestions +of my esteemed Leader, and allured by their evident effect upon his +appetite. + +"Men," continued the Member for Sark, moodily, "do all kinds of things +in the Recess to make up for the inroads on the constitution suffered +during the Session. They go to La Bourboule like the MARKISS and +RAIKES; or they play Golf like Prince ARTHUR; or they pay visits to +their Mothers-in-law in the United States, like CHAMBERLAIN and LYON +PLAYFAIR; or they go to Switzerland, India, Russia, Australia, and +Sierra Leone. Now if we had a garden, which we dug, and weeded, and +clipped, and pruned ourselves, never eating a potato the sapling of +which we had not planted, watered, and if necessary grafted, with our +own hands, we should live happy, healthful lives for at least a month +or two, coming back to our work having renewed our youth like the +rhinoceros." + +"But you don't know anything about gardening, do you?" + +"That's just it. Anyone can keep a garden that has been brought up to +the business. But look what chances there are before two statesmen of, +I trust I may say without egotism, average intelligence, who take to +gardening without, as you may say, knowing anything about it. Think of +the charm of being able to call a spade a Hoe! without your companion, +however contentious, capping the exclamation. Then think of the long +vista of possible surprises. You dig a trench, and I gently sprinkle +seed in it--" + +"Excuse me," I said, "but supposing _I_ sprinkle the seed, and _you_ +dig the trench?" + +"--The seed is carrot, let us suppose," the Member for Sark continued, +disregarding my interruption, his fine face aglow with honest +enthusiasm. "I, not being an adept, feeling my way, as it were, +towards the perfection of knowledge, put in the seed the wrong end +up, and, instead of the carrots presenting themselves to the earnest +inquirer in what is, I believe, the ordinary fashion, with the green +tops showing above the generous earth, and the spiral, rosy-tinted, +cylindrical form hidden in the soil, the limb were to grow out of +the ground, its head downward; would that be nothing, do you think? I +mention that only as a possibility that flashed across my mind. There +are an illimitable series of possibilities that might grow out of Our +Garden. Of course we don't mean to make money out of it. It's only +fair to you, TOBY, that I should, at the outset, beg you to hustle out +of your mind any sordid ideas of that kind. What we seek is, health +and honest occupation, and here they lie open to our hand." + +This conversation, as I mentioned, took place a little more than a +year ago. I was carried away, as the House of Commons never is, by my +Hon. friend's eloquence. We got the garden. We have it now; but I do +not trust myself on this page to dwell on the subject. + + * * * * * + +FEMININE AND A N-UTAH GENDER.--Plurality of wives is abolished in +Utah. The husbands seem to have made no difficulty about it, but what +have the wives said? + + * * * * * + +"QUEEN'S WEATHER."--The weather is looking up. It was mentioned in the +_Court Circular_ last Wednesday week for the first time. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., October 25, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12468 *** |