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diff --git a/old/12467.txt b/old/12467.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9428ea6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12467.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1753 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +October 11, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., October 11, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12467] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +October 11, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XX.--THE DIVORCEE. + +The Court over which Sir JAMES HANNEN presides was instituted for +the purification of morals by the separation of ill-assorted couples. +Matrimonial errors, which had hitherto stood upon the level of +political grievances, capable of redress only after the careful and +unbiassed attention of British legislators had been, at much expense +both of time and money, devoted to them, were henceforth to form the +subject of a special procedure in a division of the Courts of Law +created for the purpose, and honestly calculated to bring separation +and divorce within the reach even of the most modest incomes. The +tyrant man, as usual, favoured himself by the rules he laid down for +the playing of the game. For whereas infidelity on the part of the +wife is held to be, in itself, a sufficient cause for pronouncing a +decree in favour of the husband, a kind, though constantly unfaithful +husband, is protected from divorce, and only punished by separation +from the wife he has wronged. It is necessary for a man to add either +cruelty or desertion to his other offence, in order that his wife +may obtain from the laws of her country the opportunity of marrying +someone else. But the wit of woman has proved equal to the emergency. +Nowhere, it may be safely stated, have more tales of purely +imaginative atrocity been listened to with greater attention, or with +more favourable results, than in the Divorce Court. On an incautious +handshake a sprained wrist and an arm bruised into all the colours of +the rainbow have been not infrequently grafted. A British imprecation, +and a banged door, have often become floods of invective and a +knock-down blow; and a molehill of a pinch has, under favourable +cultivation, been developed into a mountain of ill-treatment, on the +top of which a victorious wife has in the end, triumphantly planted +the banner of freedom. + +[Illustration] + +Hence the Divorce Court, after some years of suspicion, has gradually +come to be looked upon as one of the sacred institutions of +the country. And, speaking generally, those who make use of its +facilities, however much certain of the more strait-laced may frown, +are considered by society at large to have done a thing which is +surprisingly right and often enviable. The result at any rate is that +the number of the divorced increases year by year, and that a lady +whose failings have been established against her by a judicial decree, +may be quite sure of a hand of ardent sympathisers of both sexes, +amongst whom she can hold her head as high as her inclination prompts +her without exciting a larger number of spiteful comments than are +allotted to her immaculate and undecreed sisters. She may not have +been able to abide the question of the Counsel who cross-examined +her, but she is certainly free, even in a wider sense than before. +She may not, perhaps, stand on so lofty a social pinnacle as the +merely-separated lady whose husband still lives, and to whose male +friends the fact that she in practically husbandless, and at the same +time disabled from marriage, gives a delightful sense both of zest and +security. On the other hand, the separated lady must be to a certain +extent circumspect, lest she should place a weapon for further +punishment in the hands of her husband. But to the Divorcee all things +apparently, are permitted. + +When she left the Court in which, to use her own words, "all her +budding hopes had been crushed by the triumph of injustice," the +beautiful Divorcee (for in order to be truly typical the Divorcee is +necessarily beautiful) might have proceeded immediately to plant them +afresh in the old soil. The various gentlemen who had sustained their +reputation as men of honour by tampering on her behalf and on their +own, with the strict letter of the truth, naturally felt that the +boldness of their denials entitled them to her lasting regard, and +showed themselves ready to aid her with their counsel. But, though she +never ceased to protest her innocence of all that had been laid to her +charge and proved against her, she was sufficiently sensible to give +them to understand that for a time, at least, her path in the world +would be easier if they ceased to accompany her. They accepted the +sentence of banishment with a good grace, knowing perfectly well +that it was not for long. The Divorcee then withdrew from the flaming +placards of the daily papers, on which she had figured during the past +week, and betook herself to the seclusion of her bijou residence in +the heart of the most fashionable quarter. Here she pondered for a +short time upon the doubtful unkindness of fate which had deprived her +of a husband whom she despised, and of a home which his presence had +made insupportable. But she soon roused herself to face her new lack +of responsibility, and to enjoy it. At first, she moved cautiously. +There were numerous sympathisers who urged her to defy the world, such +as it is, and to show herself everywhere entirely careless of what +people might say. Such conduct might possibly have been successful, +but the Divorcee foresaw a possible risk to her reputation, and +abstained. She began, therefore, by making her public appearances +infrequent. In company with the devoted widow, whose evidence +had almost saved her from an adverse verdict, she arranged placid +tea-parties at which the casual observer might have imagined that +the rules of social decorum were more strictly enforced than in the +household of an archbishop. Inquiry, however, might have revealed the +fact that a large proportion of the ladies present at these gatherings +had either shaken off the matrimonial shackles, or proposed to do +so, whether as plaintiffs or as defendants, whenever a favourable +opportunity presented itself. The men, too, who were, after a time, +admitted to these staid feasts, were not altogether archiepiscopal, +though they behaved as they were dressed, quite irreproachably. To +counter-balance them to some extent, the Divorcee determined to secure +the presence and the countenance of a clergyman. + +After some search, she discovered one who was enthusiastic, deficient +in worldly knowledge, and susceptible. To him she related her own +private version of her wrongs, which she seasoned with quite a +pretty flow of tears. The amiable cleric yielded without a struggle, +and readily placed at her service the protection of his white +tie. Thus strengthened, she moved forward a little further. She +revisited theatres; she was heard of at Clubs; she shone again at +dinner-parties, and in a year or so had organised for herself a +social circle which entirely satisfied her desires. Sometimes she even +allowed herself to dabble in good works. She was accused of having +written a religious poem for a serious Magazine; but all that was ever +proved against her was, that a remarkable series of articles on _The +Homes of the Poor_ bore traces of a style that was said to be hers. +Evil tongues still whispered in corners, and cynics were heard to +scoff occasionally; but the larger world, which abhors cynics, and +only believes what is good, began to smile upon her. She did not +appear to value its smiles,--but they were useful. Whenever London +tired her, she flitted to Paris, or to the Riviera, or even to +Egypt or Algiers. She subscribed to charities, and acted in Amateur +Theatricals. Finally, she married a gentleman who was believed by his +friends to be a poet, and who certainly qualified for the title by the +romance he had woven about her. With him she lived for many years a +poetic and untrammelled existence, and, when she died, many dowagers +sent wreaths as tokens of their sorrow at the loss of an admirable +woman. + + * * * * * + +VERSES FOR A VIOLINIST. + + "The violin has now fairly taken its place as an instrument + for girls."--_Daily News_. + + In old days of Art the painter much applause would surely win, + When he showed us Saint Cecilia playing on the violin. + + I've no skill of brush and palette like those unforgotten men; + My Cecilia must content herself with an unworthy pen. + + Fairy fingers flash before me as the bow sweeps o'er each string; + Like the organ's _vox humana_, Hark! the instrument can sing. + + That _sonata_ of TARTINI's in my ears will linger long; + It might be some _prima donna_ scaling all the heights of song. + + Every string a different language speaks beneath her skilful sway. + Does the shade of PAGANINI hover over her to-day? + + All can feel the passion throbbing through the music fraught with pain: + Then, with feminine mutation, comes a soft and tender strain. + + Gracious curve of neck, and fiddle tucked 'neath that entrancing chin-- + Fain with you would I change places, O thrice happy violin! + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: THE TOURNEY. + +["Golf is superseding Lawn-Tennis."--_Daily Paper_.]] + + The Champions are mounted, a wonderful pair, + And the boldest who sees them must e'en hold his breath. + Their breastplates and greaves glitter bright in the air; + They have sworn ere they met they would fight to the death. + And the heart of the Queen of the Tournament sinks + At the might of Sir GOLF, the Red Knight of the Links. + + But her Champion, Sir TENNIS, the Knight of the Lawn, + At the throne of the lady who loves him bows low: + He fears not the fight, for his racket is drawn, + And he spurs his great steed as he charges the foe. + And the sound of his war-cry is heard in the din, + "Fifteen, thirty, forty, deuce, vantage, I win!" + + But the Red Knight, Sir GOLF, smiles a smile that is grim, + And a flash as of triumph has mantled his cheek; + And he shouts, "I would scorn to be vanquished by _him_, + With my driver, my iron, my niblick and cleek. + Now, TENNIS, I have thee; I charge from the Tee, + To the deuce with thy racket, thy scoring, and thee!" + + And the ladies all cry, "Oh, Sir TENNIS, our own, + Drive him back whence he came to his bunkers and gorse." + And the men shake their heads, for Sir TENNIS seems blown, + There are cracks in his armour, and wounds on his horse. + But the Umpire, Sir PUNCH, as he watches says, "Pooh! + Let them fight and be friends; _there is room for the two_." + + * * * * * + +A LAMB-LIKE GAMBOL. + +Some little time ago we noticed with great satisfaction, that the +Committee of the Sunday School Union had advertised in the _Athenaeum_ +for the "best Tale on Gambling," for which they were anxious to +pay One Hundred Pounds sterling. The principal "condition" that the +C.S.S.U. attached to their competition was that "the tale must be +drawn as far as possible from actual life, and must vividly depict +the evils of gambling, setting forth its ruinous effects sociably and +morally on the young people of our land." Perhaps the following short +story may serve as a model to the candidates. This romance must be +considered "outside the competition." Here it is. + +PLEASANT POVERTY BETTER THAN WICKED WEALTH! + +PETER was a good boy. He went to Sunday school regularly, and always +took off his hat to his superiors--he so objected to gambling that +he never called them "betters." One day PETER found a sovereign, and +fearing, lest it might be a gilded jubilee shilling, decided to spend +it upon himself, rather than run the risk of possibly causing the +Police to put it in circulation, under the impression that it was +a coin of the higher value. He spent ten shillings on a ticket to +Boulogne-sur-Mer, and with the remaining half-sovereign played at +_Chemin de Fer_ at the Casino. And, alas! this was his first straying +from the path of virtue. Unfortunately he was most unlucky (from a +moral point of view) in his venture, leaving the tables with a sum +exceeding forty pounds. Feeling reluctant that money so ill-gained +should remain for very long in his possession, he spent a large slice +of it in securing a ticket for Monte Carlo. + +Arrived at this dreadful place he backed Zero fifteen times running, +was unhappy enough to break the bank, and retired to rest with over +ten thousand pounds. He now decided, that he had best return to +England, where he felt sure he would be safe from further temptation. + +When he was once more in London, he could not make up his mind whether +he should contribute his greatly scorned fortune to the Committee of +the Sunday School Union, or plank his last dollar on a rank outsider +for a place in the Derby. From a feeling of delicacy, he adopted the +latter course, and was indescribably shocked to pull off his fancy +at Epsom. Thinking that the Committee of the same useful body would +refuse to receive money obtained under such painful circumstances, he +plunged deeply on the Stock Exchange, and again added considerably +to his much-hated store. It was at this period in his history that +he married, and then the punishment he had so justly merited overtook +him. His wife was a pushing young woman, whose great delight was +to see her name in the Society papers. This pleasure she managed to +secure by taking a large house, and giving costly entertainments to +all sorts and conditions of individuals. Poor PETER soon found this +mode of life intolerably wearisome. He now never knew an hour's +peace, until one day he determined to run away from home, leaving in +the hands of his wife all that he possessed. His absence made no +perceptible difference in Mrs. PETER's _menage_. It was generally +supposed that he was living abroad. However, on one winter night there +was a large gathering at his wife's house, and, it being very cold, +the guests eagerly availed themselves of the services of the linkman, +who had told himself off to fetch their carriages. + +And, when everyone was gone, the poor linkman asked the mistress of +the house for some broken victuals. + +"Good gracious!" exclaimed that Lady, "if it isn't my husband! What do +you mean, PETER, by so disgracing me?" + +"Disgrace you!--not I!" returned PETER. "No one recognises me. Of all +the guests that throng my house, and eat my suppers, I don't believe +there is a solitary individual who knows me by sight." + +And PETER was right. Ah, how much better would it have been had PETER +remained at school, and not found that sovereign! Had he remained at +school, he would some day have acquired a mass of information that +would have been of immense assistance to him when his father died, and +he succeeded to the paternal broom, and the right of sweep over the +family street-crossing! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO MUCH GENIUS. + +_Poet_. "OH--A--I ALWAYS WRITE MY POEMS RIGHT OFF, WITHOUT ANY +CORRECTIONS, YOU KNOW, AND SEND THEM STRAIGHT TO THE PRINTER. I NEVER +LOOK AT 'EM A SECOND TIME." + +_Critic_. "NO MORE DO YOUR READERS, MY BOY!"] + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +OSTRICH "FARMING."--We are afraid we cannot give you any sound +or useful information to assist you in your project of keeping an +ostrich-farm in a retired street in Bayswater; but that you should +have already received a consignment of fifty "fine, full-grown birds," +and managed, with the aid of five railway porters, and all the local +police available, to get them from the van in which they arrived +up two flights of stairs, and locate them temporarily in your back +drawing-room, augurs at least for a good start to your undertaking. +That three should have escaped, and, after severely kicking the Vicar, +who happened to be dining with you, terrified the whole neighbourhood, +and effected an entrance into an adjacent public-house, where they +appear to have done a good deal of damage to the glass and crockery, +upsetting a ten-gallon cask of gin, and frightening the barmaid into +a fit of hysterics, being only finally captured by the device of +getting a coal-sack over their heads, was, after all, but a slight +_contretemps_, and not one to be taken into account when measured +against the grand fact that you have got _all your birds safely lodged +for the night_. A little arnica, and a fortnight in bed, will, in all +probability, set the Vicar all right. With regard to their food, we +should advise you to continue the tinned lobster and muffins, which +they seem to relish. You appear to be alarmed at their swallowing the +tins. There is no occasion for any anxiety on this point, the tin, +doubtless, serving as the proverbial "digestive" pebble with which +all birds, we believe, accompany a hearty meal. We fear we cannot +enlighten you as to how you make your profits out of an ostrich-farm; +but, speaking at random, we should say they would probably arise by +pulling the feathers out of the tails of the birds and selling them to +Court Milliners. Your idea of trying them in harness in a Hansom seems +to have something in it. Turn it over, by all means. Meantime, get +a Shilling Handbook on the Management of the Ostrich. We think you +will have to cover in your garden with a tarpaulin as you suggest. +You cannot expect the fifty birds to stay for ever in your back +drawing-room; and the fact that you mention, of their having already +kicked down and eaten one folding-door, is significant. They will be +escaping from your balcony all over the neighbourhood if you do not +take care to secure them; and as they seem fresh, very aggressive, and +strong in the leg, such a catastrophe might lead you into a good deal +of unpleasantness. Take our advice, and get them downstairs, tight +under a stout tarpaulin, as soon as possible. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._ + +NO. I.--"I'M MONARCH OF ALL I _SURVEY_!" + + SCENE--_Interior of newly-erected building. Present, the + Builder and a Surveyor, the former looking timidly foxy, + the latter knowingly pompous, and floridly self-important; + Builder, in dusty suit of dittoes, carries one hand in + his breeches-pocket, where he chinks certain metallic + substances--which may be coins or keys--nervously and + intermittently. Surveyor, a burly mass of broadcloth and big + watch-chain, carries an intimidating note-book, and a menacing + pencil, making mems. in a staccato and stabbing fashion, which + is singularly nerve-shaking._ + +_Surveyor_ (_speaking with his pencil in his mouth_). Well, +Mister--er--er--WOTSERNAME, I--er--think--'m, 'm, 'm--things seem to +be _pretty_ right as far's I can see; though of course-- + +_Builder_ (_hastily_). Oh, I assure you I've taken the _greatest_ +pains to conform to--er--rules in--er--in _every_ way; though if there +_should_ be any little thing that ketches your eye, why, you've only +to-- + +[Illustration] + +_Surveyor_. Oh, of course, of course! _We_ know all about that. You +see _I_ can only go by rule. What's right's right; what's wrong's +wrong; that's about the size of it. _I've_ nothing to do with it, one +way or another, except to see the law carried out. + +_Builder_. Ex-ack-ly! However, if you've seen all you want to, we may +as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and-- + +_Surveyor_ (_suddenly_). By the way, I suppose this wall is properly +underpinned? + +_Builder_ (_nervously_). Well--er--not exackly--but, 'er, 'er--well, +the fact is I thought-- + +_Surveyor_ (_sternly_). What you _thought_, Sir, doesn't affect the +matter. The question is, what the Building Act _says_. The whole thing +must come down! + +_Builder_. But, I say, that'll run me into ten pounds, at least, and +really the thing's as safe as-- + +_Surveyor_. Maybe, maybe--in fact, I don't say it isn't. But the Act +says it's got to be done. + +_Builder_. Well, well, if there's no help for it, I must _do_ it, of +course. + +_Surveyor_ (_looking somehow disappointed_). Very sorry, of course, +but you see what must be must. + +_Builder_ (_sadly_). Yes, yes, no doubt. Well (_brightening_), anyhow, +we may as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and crack a +bottle of champagne. + +_Surveyor_ (_also brightening_). Well, ours is a dusty job, and I +don't care if I do. + + [_They do so. Surveyor drinks his full share of Heidsieck, + and smokes a cigar of full size and flavour. He and + Builder exchange reminiscences concerning past professional + experiences, the "tricks of trade," diverse devices for + "dodging the Act," &c., &c. Surveyor explains how stubborn + builders ("not like you, you know"), who don't do the thing + handsome, often suffer by having to run themselves to expenses + that might have been avoided--and serve 'em right too! Also, + how others, without a temper above "tips," and of a generally + gentlemanly tone of mind, save themselves lots of little + extras, which, maybe, the letter of the law would exact, + but which a Surveyor of sense and good feeling can get + over, "and no harm done, neither, to nobody." As the wine + circulates, it is noticeable that good-fellowship grows almost + boisterous, and facetiousness mellows into chuckling cynicism + of the winking, waggish, "we all do it" sort._ + +_Surveyor_ (_tossing off last glass, and smacking his lips_). Well, +well, the best of friends must part, and I guess I must be toddling. +Very glad to have met you, I'm sure, and a better bit of building than +yours yonder I haven't seen for some time. Seems a pity, hanged if +it don't, that you should have to put yourself to such an additional +outlay--ah, by the way, _what_ did you say it would cost you? + +_Builder_. Oh, about ten pounds, I suppose. + +_Surveyor_ (_lighting another cigar_). Humph! (_Puff' +puff!_) Pity--pity! (_Puff! puff!_) Now look here, my +boy--(_confidentially_)--suppose you and me just divide that +tenner between us, five to you, and five to me; and, as to the +"underpinning"--well, nobody'll be a bit the wiser, and the building +won't be a halfpenny the worse, _I'll_ bet my boots. Come, is it a +bargain? + + [_After a little beating about the bush, the little "job" is + arranged amicably, on the practical basis of "a fiver each, + and mum's the word on both sides," thus evading the law, + saving the Builder a few pounds, and supplementing the + salary of the Surveyor. Ulterior results, unsanitary or + otherwise, do not come within the compass of this sketch._ + + * * * * * + +STRANGER THAN FICTION! + +(_POSTMARKS--LEEDS, HULL, AND ELSEWHERE._) + +Mr. Punch was assisting at a Congress. The large room in which that +Congress was being held was crowded, and consequently the heat was +oppressive. The speeches, too, were not particularly interesting, +and the Sage became drowsy. It was fortunate, therefore, that a fair +maiden in a classical garb (who suddenly appeared seated beside him) +should have addressed him. The interruption reassembled in their +proper home his wandering senses. + +"I fear, _Mr. Punch_," said the fair maiden, looking at herself in a +small mirror which she was holding in her right hand, "that you are +inclined to go to sleep." + +"Well, I am," replied the Sage, with unaccountable bluntness; "truth +to tell, these orations about nothing in particular, spouted by +persons with an imperfect knowledge of, I should say, almost any +subject, bore me." + +"The information is unnecessary," observed the young lady; with a +smile. "I share your feelings. But if you will be so kind as to pay a +little attention to the speakers while they are under my influence, I +think you will discover a new interest in their utterances." + +"Are you an hypnotist, Madam?" asked _Mr. Punch_. + +"Well, not exactly. But, when I have the chance, I can make people +speak the Truth." + +Then _Mr. Punch_ listened, and was surprised at the strange things +that next happened. + +"I wish to be perfectly frank with you," said a gentleman on the +platform; "I am here because I wish to see my name in the papers, and +all the observations I have made up to date have been addressed to the +reporters. I am glad I can control my thoughts, because I would not +for worlds let you know the truth. It is my ambition to figure as a +philanthropist, and on my word, I think this is the cheapest and most +effective mode of carrying out my intention." + +Then the gentleman resumed his seat with a smile that suggested that +he was under the impression that he had just delivered himself of +sentiments bound to extort universal admiration. + +"That is not exactly my case," observed a second speaker, "because I +do not care two pins for anything save the entertainments which are +invariably associated with scientific research, or philanthropical +inquiry. I pay my guinea, after considerable delay, and then expect +to take out five times that amount in grudgingly bestowed, but +competitionally provoked (if I may be pardoned the expression) +hospitality. I attend a portion--a small portion--of a lecture, and +then hurry off to the nearest free luncheon, or gratuitous dinner, in +the neighbourhood. I should be a tax upon my friends if I dropped in +at half-past one, or at a quarter to eight, punctually, and my motives +would be too wisely interpreted to a desire on my part to reduce the +sum total of my butcher's book. So I merely drop in upon a place where +a Congress is being held, and make the most of my membership." + +"These startling statements are decidedly unconventional," said _Mr. +Punch_, turning towards his fair companion, "and that your influence +should cause them to be made, astounds me. I trust you will not +consider me indiscreet if I ask for--" + +"My name and address," returned the fair maiden, smilingly, completing +the sentence; "Learn, then, that I live at the bottom of a well, to +which rather damp resting-place I am about to return; and that in +England I am called Truth." + +And as the lady disappeared, _Mr. Punch_ fell from his chair, and +awoke! + +"Dear me, I have been dreaming!" exclaimed the Sage, as he left +the meeting. "Well, as everyone knows, dreams are not in the least +like reality! But the strangest thing of all was to find Truth in a +Congress!" + +And it was strange, indeed. + + * * * * * + +AT THE THEATRE! + +_THE LYCEUM AGAIN. THE HAYMARKET ONCE MORE._ + +"Great Scott!" we exclaim,--not Critical CLEMENT of that ilk, but Sir +WALTER,--on again seeing _Ravenswood_. Since then an alteration in +the _modus shootendi_ has been made, and _Edgar_ no longer takes a +pot-shot at the bull from the window, but, ascertaining from _Sir +William Ashton Bishop_ that _Ellen Lucy Terry_ is being Terryfied by +an Irish bull which has got mixed up with the Scotch "herd without," +_Henry Edgar Irving_ rushes off, gun in hand; then the report of the +gun is, like the Scotch oxen, also "_heard_ without," and _Henry_ +reappears on the scene, having saved _Ellen Lucy Ashton_ by reducing +the fierce bull to potted beef. + +[Illustration] + +"What shall he have who kills the bull?" "The Dear! the Dear!" +meaning, of course, _Ellen Lucy Ashton_ aforesaid. After this all +goes well. Acting excellent all round--or nearly all round, the one +exception being, however, the very much "all-round" representative +of _Lady Ashton_, whose misfortune it is to have been selected for +this particular part. Scenery lovely, and again and again must HAWES +MCCHAVEN be congratulated on the beautiful scene of The Mermaiden's +Well (never better, in fact), Act III. The love-making bit in this +Act is charming, and the classic Sibyl, _Ailsie_, superb. Nothing in +stage effect within our memory has equalled the pathos of the final +_tableau_. It is most touching through its extreme simplicity. + +The Haymarket has re-opened with the odd mixture of the +excellent French _Abbe Constantin_ and the weak, muddle-headed, +Tree-and-Grundy-ised "village Priest," known as the _Abbe Dubois_, +or "_Abbe Do Bore_," as 'ARRY might call him. Changes are in +contemplation, and may have been already announced. Whatever they may +be, it is some consolation to learn that this Tree-and-Grundy-ised +French Abbe is not likely to be a "perpetual Curate." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. II.--BURRA MURRA BOKO. + +(_BY_ KIPPIERD HERRING, _AUTHOR OF "SOLDIERS' TEA," "OVER THE +DARODEES," "HANDSOME HEADS ON THE VALETS," "MORE BLACK THAN WHITE," +"EXPERIMENTAL DITTOS," &C., &C._) + + [NOTE.--The MS. of this story arrived from India by pneumatic + despatch, a few puffs having been apparently sufficient. + In a letter which was enclosed with it the author modestly + apologises for its innumerable merits. "But," he adds, "I have + several hundred of the same sort in stock, and can supply them + at a moment's notice. Kindly send L1000 in Bank of England + notes, by registered letter, to K. HERRING. No farther address + will be required."] + +_Polla dan anta cat anta._ What will you have, Sahib? My heart is +made fat, and my eyes run with the water of joy. _Kni vestog rind. +Scis sorstog rind_, the Sahib is as a brother to the needy, and the +afflicted at the sound of his voice become as a warming-pan in a _for +postah_. Ahoo! Ahoo! I have lied unto the Sahib. _Mi ais an dlims_, I +am a servant of sin. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +There came a sound in the night as of an elephant-herd trumpeting in +anger, and my liver was dissolved, and the heart within me became as +a _Patoph But'ah_ under the noon-day sun. I made haste, for there was +fear in the air, Sahib, and the _Pleez Mahn_ that walketh by night +was upon me. But, oh, Sahib, the cunning of the serpent was with me, +and as he passed I tripped him up, and the raging river received him. +Twice he rose, and the gleam of his eyes spake in vain for help. And +at last there came a bubble where the man had been, and he was seen no +more. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +That night I spake unto her as she stood in the moonlight. "Oh, sister +of an oil-jar, and daughter of pig-troughs, what is it thou hast +done?" And she, laughing, spake naught in reply, but gave me the +_Tcheke Slahp_ of her tribe, and her fingers fell upon my face, and my +teeth rattled within my mouth. But I, for my blood was made hot within +me, sped swiftly from her, making no halt, and the noise of fifty +thousand devils was in my ears, and the rage of the _Smak duns_ burnt +fierce within the breast of me, and my tongue was as a fresh fig that +grows upon a southern wall. _Auggrh!_ pass me the peg, for my mouth is +dry. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ Then came the Yunkum Sahib, +and the Bunkum Sahib, and they spake awhile together. But I, like unto +a _Brerra-bit_, lay low, and my breath came softly, and they knew not +that I watched them as they spake. And they joked much together, and +told each to the other how that the wives of their friends were to +them as mice in the sight of the crouching _Tabbikat_, and that the +honour of a man was as sand, that is blown afar by the storm-wind +of the desert, which maketh blind the faithful, and stoppeth their +mouths. Such are all of them, Sahib, since I that speak unto you know +them for what they are, and thus I set forth the tale that all men may +read, and understand. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +'"Twas the most ondacint bedivilmint ever I set eyes on, Sorr. There +was I, blandandhering widout"-- + +"Pardon me," I said, "this is rather puzzling. A moment back you +were a Mahajun of Puli, in Marwur, or a Delhi Pathan, or a Wali Dad, +or something of that sort, and now you seem to have turned into an +Irishman. Can you tell me how it is done?" + +"Whist, ye oncivilised, backslidhering pagin!" said my friend, Private +O'RAMMIS, for it was indeed he. "Hould on there till I've tould ye. +Fwhat was I sayin'? Eyah, eyah, them was the bhoys for the dhrink. +When the sun kem out wid a blink in his oi, an' the belly-band av his +new shoot tied round him, there was PORTERS and ATHUS lyin' mixed up +wid the brandy-kegs, and the houl of the rigimint tearin' round like +all the divils from hell bruk loose. + +"Thin I knew there'd be thrubble, for ye must know, Sorr, there was a +little orf'cer bhoy cryin' as tho' his little heart was breakin', an' +the Colonel's wife's sister, wid her minowderin' voice--" + +"Look here, O'RAMMIS," I said, "I don't like to stop you; but isn't it +just a trifle rash--I mean," I added hastily, for I saw him fingering +his bayonet, "is it quite as wise as it might be to use up all your +materials at once? Besides, I seem to have met that little Orf'cer +bhoy and the Colonel's wife's sister before. I merely mention it as +a friend." + +"You let 'im go, Sir," put in PORTERS, with his cockney accent. "Lor, +Sir, TERENCE knows bloomin' well wot 'e's torkin' about, an' wen +'e's got a story to tell you know there ain't one o' us wot'll get a +bloomin' word in; or leastways, Hi carn't." + +"Sitha," added JOCK ATHUS. "I never gotten but one story told mysen, +and he joomped down my throaat for that. Let un taalk, Sir, let un +taalk." + +"Very well," I said, producing one of the half-dozen bottles of +champagne that I always carried in my coat-tail pockets whenever I +went up to the Barracks to visit my friend O'RAMMIS, "very well. Fire +away, TERENCE, and let us have your story." + +"I'm an ould fool," continued O'RAMMIS, in a convinced tone. "But +ye know, JOCK, how 'twas. I misremember fwhat I said to her, but she +never stirred, and only luked at me wid her melancolious ois, and +wid that my arm was round her waist, for bedad, it was pretty, she +was under the moon in the ould barrick square. 'Hould on there,' she +says, 'ye boiled thief of Deuteronomy. D'ye think I've kem here to be +philandhering afther you. I'd make a better man than you out av empty +kyartridges and putty.' Wid that she turned on her heel, and was for +marching away. But I was at her soide agin before she'd got her left +fut on the beat. 'That's quare,' thinks I to myself; 'but, TERENCE, +me bhoy, 'tis you know the thricks av the women. Shoulder arrums,' I +thinks, 'and let fly wid the back sight.' Wid that I just squeezed her +hand wid the most dellikit av all squeezings, and, sez I, 'MARY, me +darlint,' I sez, 'ye're not vexed wid TERENCE, I know;' but you never +can tell the way av a woman, for before the words was over the tongue +av me, the bhoys kem raging an' ramshackling--" + +"Really, O'RAMMIS," I ventured to observe, for I noticed that he +and his two friends had pulled all the other five bottles out of my +pocket, and had finished them, "I'm a little disappointed with you +to-day. I came out here for a little quiet blood-and-thunder before +going to bed, and you are mixing up your stories like the regimental +laundress's soapsuds. It's not right of you. Now, honestly, is it?" + +But the Three Musketeers had vanished. Perhaps they may reappear, +bound in blue-grey on the railway bookstalls. Perhaps not. And the +worst of it is, that the Colonel will never understand them, and the +gentlemen who write articles will never understand them. There is +only one man who knows all about them, and even he is sometimes what +my friend O'RAMMIS calls "a blandandhering, philandhering, +misundherstandhering civilian man." + +Which his name is KIPPIERD HERRING. And that is perfectly true. + + * * * * * + +SO MUCH FOR KNOTTING'EM.--The Dean of Rochester to be henceforth known +as The Dean of Knotting'em. His new motto,-- + + "Whack a 'Shack' + Smack on his back." + +Perhaps the Dean would then like to make a Moslem of the lolloping +do-nothing offender, and call him "Shackaback." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WAITING FOR THE EXPRESS. (NOUS AVONS CHANGE TOUT CELA.) + +FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERS:--SIR GORGIUS MIDAS, LADY MIDAS, AND GORGIUS +MIDAS, ESQ., JUNR. + +SECOND-CLASS DITTO:--BUTLERS, FOOTMEN, GROOMS, MAIDS, &C, OF THE HOUSE +OF MIDAS. + +THIRD-CLASS DITTO:--THE HON. AND REV. JAMES AND LADY SUSAN DE VERE, +GENERAL SIR JOHN AND LADY HAUTCASTLE, F. MADDER LAKE, ESQ., R.A., AND +DAUGHTERS, PROFESSOR PARALLAX, F.R.S., &C., &C., &C.] + + * * * * * + +"HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS;" + +_OR, "APPROACHING" THE HYDRA._ + + [The London County Council adopted the Report of a Committee: + "That the Committee be authorised to enter into tentative + negotiations with the Water Companies, for the purpose of + ascertaining upon what terms the Companies will be prepared + to dispose of their undertakings to the Council." The + Vice-Chairman (Sir T. FARRER) thought that the Committee + "would be as wax in the hands of the clever agents of the + Companies." The Chairman (Sir JOHN LUBBOCK) was in favour + of deferring the question.] + + That Hydra again! Monster huge, hydro-cephalous, + Haunting our city of blunders and jobs, + Born, it would seem, to bewilder and baffle us, + _Who_'ll give you "one" for your numerous nobs. + Many have menaced you, some had a shy at you; + SALISBURY stout, and bespectacled CROSS, + Each in his season has joined in the cry at you, + Little, 'twould seem, to your damage or loss. + Still you eight-headed and lanky-limbed monster, you + Sprawl and monopolise, spread and devour. + Many assail you, but hitherto, none stir you. + Say, _has_ the hero arrived, and the hour? + No Infant Hercules, surely, can tackle you, + Ancient abortion, with hope of success. + It needeth a true full-grown hero to shackle you, + Jupiter's son, and Alcmene's, no less! + Our civic Hercules smacks of the nursery, + Not three years old, though ambitious, no doubt; + _You_'ll scarce be captured by tentatives cursory. + Snared by a "motion," or scared by a "spout," + Hera's pet, offspring of Typhon, the lion-clad + Hero assailed, _con amore_; but _you_, + Callous as Behemoth, hard as an iron-clad, + "Conciliation" with coldness will view + Fancy "approaching" the Hydra with honey-bait, + Tempting the monster to parley and purr! + How will Monopoly look on a money-bait? + Hercules, too, who would "like to defer?" + Not quite a true hard-shell hero--in attitude-- + Hercules (County) Concilians looks; + Thinks he to move a true Hydra to gratitude? + Real Leviathan chortles at hooks! + "Come, pretty Hydra! 'Agreement provisional,' + Properly baited with sound _L.S.D._, + Ought to entice you!" He's scorn and derision all, + Hydra, if true to his breed. We shall see! + Just so a groom, with the bridle behind him, + Tempts a free horse with some corn in a sieve. + Will London's Hydra let "tentatives" blind him, + Snap at the bait, and the tempter believe? + Or will the "hero"--in form of Committee-- + Really prove wax for the Hydra to mould? + Yes, there's the club, but it's rather a pity + Hercules seems a bit feeble of hold. + Tentative heroes may suit modern urgency, + LUBBOCK may win where a Hercules fails. + If we now hunt, upon public emergency, + Stymphalian Birds, 'tis with salt for their tails! + + * * * * * + +"YE GODS, WHAT A TERRIBLE TWIST!" + +Statistics are sweet things, and full of startling surprises. Like the +Frenchman in "_Killaloe_" "you never know what they'll be up to next." +Here, for instance, is a "statement showing the decrease in price in +the United States of many articles within the past ten years _largely +consumed_ by the agricultural community." And among these "many +articles" "largely consumed," are "mowing machines, barb fence-wire, +horseshoes, forks, wire-cloth, slop-buckets, wheelbarrows, and +putty." No wonder dyspepsia is the national disease in America. Fancy +"consuming" French staples, pie-plates (though _they_ sound almost +edible), and putty!!! The ostrich is supposed to be capable of +digesting such dainties as broken bottles, and tenpenny nails, but +that voracious fowl is evidently not "in it" with the "Agricultural +community" of America. + + * * * * * + +ODD.--A Correspondent says he found this advertisement in the +_Guardian_:-- + + RECTOR of S. Michael's, Lichfield, requires help of a + LAY-READER. Visiting, S.-school, cottage services, ass. in + choir, &c. Good salary. + +The explanation, we believe, is, that "ass." is the abbreviated form +of "assisting." The Rector had better have the unabbreviated assistant +in choir, particularly if he be already short of choristers; unless +the Rector should be also Vicar of Bray, in which case the "ass." +could be transferred from Lichfield to the more appropriate living. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS." + +"The Special Committee on Water Supply, appointed by the London County +Council, said, in their Report, 'Before entering upon the inquiry, +the Committee thought it would be desirable to approach the Water +Companies with a view to ascertaining whether it would be possible +for the Companies and the Council to make some provisional agreement +as to the terms upon which the Companies' Water undertakings should +be transferred to the Council, if Parliament gave the necessary +authority.'"--_The Times' Report_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOSSOO IN EGYPT. + +_Mr. Punch_ (_to French Guardian of Egyptian Monuments_). "COME, I +SAY, SIR! DO YOU CALL THIS LOOKING AFTER THE MONUMENTS? WAKE UP, OR +YOU'LL HAVE TO GO!"--_See "Times" Leader, Oct. 3rd, 1890._] + + * * * * * + +JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE. + +SEVENTH ENTRY. + +To my intense surprise--shared, as far as I can see, by all my friends +and relatives--I have managed to pass the "Bar Final"! I attribute +the portentous fact to the Examiners having discreetly avoided all +reference to the "Rule in SHELLEY's Case." + +Find that the Students who are going to be "called within the Bar," +have to be presented to the Benchers on one special evening, after +dinner, in Hall. Ceremony rather funereal, at _my_ Inn--but not the +same at all Inns. About twenty of us summoned one by one to the +High Table; several go up before me, and as there is a big screen I +can't see what happens to them. Only--most remarkable circumstance +this--_not one of them comes back_! Have the Benchers decided to +sternly limit the numbers of the Profession? Perhaps they are "putting +in an execution." Just thinking of escape, when my name called +out. March up to Table, determined not to perish without a spirited +resistance. + +To complete the idea of its being an Execution, here is the Chaplain! +Will he say a "few last words" to the culprit--myself--prior to my +being pinioned? + +As matter of fact, Bencher at head of Table (portly old gentleman, who +looks as if he might be described as a "bottle-a-day-of-port-ly" old +gentleman) shakes hands, coldly, and that's all. Not even a Queen's +Shilling given me, as I am conducted off to another table close by. + +Mystery of disappearance of other candidates explained. Here they +are--all at this table--"all silent, and all called"! It seems that +this is the Barristers' part of the Hall, other the Students'. + +Ceremony not over yet. After dinner we are invited, all twenty, +to dessert and wine with the Benchers--or rather, at the Benchers' +expense, because we don't really see and chat with these great men, +only a single representative, who presides at table in a long bare +room downstairs, resembling a cellar. Benchers' own Common-room above. +Why don't they invite us up there? Bencher, who has come down to +preside over this entertainment, has a rather forbidding air about +him. Seems to be thinking--"I don't care much for this sort of +function. Stupid old custom. But must keep it up, I suppose, for good +of Inn; and Benchers (hang them!) have deputed _me_ to take head of +the table to-night--probably because I look so desperately lively." + +There _is_ a sort of "disinterred liveliness" (to quote Bishop +WILBERFORCE) about him, after all. Tries to joke. No doubt regards us +all as a pack of fools to join over-crowded profession--still, as we +_are_ here, he will try and forget that, in a few years, the majority +of us will probably be starving. + +After an interval, Bored Bencher thinks it necessary to rise and +make little speech. Assures us (_Query_--hyprocrisy?) that we are +all extremely likely to attain to high positions at the Bar. Says +something feebly humorous about Woolsack. Bad taste, because we can't +_all_ sit on Woolsack at once; and mention of it excites feelings of +emulation, almost of animosity, towards other new-fledged Barristers. +I am conscious, for instance, of distinct repulsion towards man on my +right, who is cracking nuts, and who must be a son or nephew of our +Chairman, judging by the familiarity with which he treats latter. +Probably his uncle will flood him with briefs--and that will be called +"making his own way in the world." Pshaw! + +Wine-and-dessert entertainment only lasts an hour. Forbidding Bencher +evidently feels that an hour is as much as he can possibly stand. So +we all depart, except the favoured nephew (or son), who, as I suspect, +"remains to prey" on his uncle (or father), and probably to be invited +in to the _real_ feast which no doubt the Inn worthies are enjoying +upstairs. + +Next morning meet a legal friend, who asks, "When are you to be +presented at Court?" + +"Presented at Court?"--I ask in surprise. + +"Yes--Court of Queen's Bench--ha! ha! You'll have to go one of these +days in wig and gown to the Q.B.D., and inscribe your name in a big +book, and bow to the Judges, and come out." + +"What's the good of doing that?" I want to know. + +"None whatever. An old custom, that's all. A sort of legal fiction, +you know." (_Query_--If a Queen's Counsel writes a novel, isn't _that_ +a real legal fiction?) "You'll feel rather like a little boy going +to a new school. Judges look at you with an air of 'I say, you new +feller, what's your name? Where do you come from? What House are +you in?--then a good kick. They can't kick you, so they glare at you +instead. Interesting ceremony. Ta, ta!" + +It turns out as my friend says. But previously there is the +other little formality of purchasing the trailing garments of the +Profession. Go to a wig-and-gown-maker near the Law Courts. Ask to see +different kinds of wigs. + +"We only make one kind," replies the wig-man, pityingly. "The Patent +Ventilating Anticalvitium. You'll find it as light as a feather, +almost. Made of superfine 'orse-'air." He says this as if he never +got his material from anything below the value of a Derby Winner. + +"Why do you call it the Anticalvitium?" I ask. + +"Because it don't make the 'air fall off, Sir, as all other wigs do." + +Do they? Another objection to the profession. Wish I had known this +before I began to grind for the Bar Exam. Wig-man measures my head. + +"Rather large size, Sir," he remarks. Says it as if I must have +water on the brain at the very least. "Middle Temple, I suppose?"--he +queries. Why? Somehow it would _sound_ more flattering if he had +supposed Inner Temple, instead of Middle. Wonder if I shall ever be +described as an "Outer barrister, of the Inner Temple, with Middling +abilities." Is there a special cut of face belonging to the Inner +Temple, another for the Middle (there _is_ a "middle cut" in salmon, +why not in the law?) and a third for Lincoln's Inn? + +Find, while I am meditating these problems, that I have been "suited" +with a gown, also with a stock of ridiculous little linen flaps, which +are called "bands." Think about "forbidding the bands," but don't know +how to. + + * * * * * + +NOTE FOR THE NEW UNIONISM. + + "Union is Strength." Let lovers of communion + Remember Strength (of language) is _not_ Union! + + * * * * * + +NEW DEFINITION OF A "FEATHER-BED FIGHTER."--A Boxer with gloves over +four ounces in weight. And anything over that, we suppose, must be +considered a "feather-weight." This gives a new significance to the +saying, "You might have knocked me down with a feather." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR M.P. MAKES A LITTLE TOUR IN IRELAND.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. TYMS HIRED A MOUNT WITH THE STAGHOUNDS, BUT QUICKLY +CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT WAS A BRUTAL SHAME TO CHASE THE POOR +DEER UP AND DOWN THOSE HORRIBLE BANKS.] + + * * * * * + +A TALE OF THE TELEPHONE. + +(_A STORY OF WHAT MAY HAPPEN SOME DAY IN GEORGE STREET, HANOVER +SQUARE._) + +There were a few minutes unoccupied before the time appointed for the +ceremony, and so the Pew-opener thought he could not do better than +point out the many excellences of the church to the Bridegroom. + +"You see, Sir," he said, "our pulpit is occupied by the best possible +talent. The Vicar takes the greatest interest in securing every rising +preacher, and thus, Sunday after Sunday, we have the most startling +orations." + +The Bridegroom (slightly bored) said that if he had happened to live +in the neighbourhood, he should certainly have taken sittings. + +"But living in the neighbourhood is not necessary, Sir," persisted the +Pew-opener. "Let into the sounding-board is a telephone, and so our +Vicar can supply the sermons preached here, hot and hot, to residents +in the London Postal District. Considering the quality of the +discourses, he charges a very low rate. The system has been largely +adopted. As a matter of fact the whole service, and not only the +pulpit, has been laid on to the principal Hotels and Clubs." + +But further conversation was here cut short by the arrival of the +Bride, who, led by her brother, advanced towards the altar with an air +of confidence that charmed all beholders. This self-possession was +the outcome of the lady being--as her grey moire-antique indicated--a +widow. Congratulations passed round amongst the friends and relatives, +and then the bridal party was arranged in front of the good old Vicar. + +"Have you switched us on?" said he to the Clerk. + +"Yes, Sir," was the reply. "We are now in communication with all the +principal Hotels and Clubs." + +"That's right. I am always anxious that my clients shall have their +full money's-worth." And then the Vicar read with much emphasis the +exhortation to the public to declare any "just cause or impediment" to +the marriage. Naturally there was no response, and an opening hymn was +sung by the choir, which, containing some half-dozen verses, lasted +quite a quarter of an hour. At its conclusion the Vicar, who had +allowed his attention to become distracted, instead of going on with +the service, again read the exhortation. He once more gave the names +of "HARRY SMITH, bachelor," and "AMY JONES, widow." + +"If anyone knows any just cause or impediment," he continued. + +"Stop; I do!" interrupted a gentleman in a dressing-gown, who had +hurriedly entered the Church. "I heard you about a quarter of an hour +ago, while I was breakfasting at the Shaftesbury Avenue Hotel, ask the +same question, and came here without changing my coat. Very sorry to +interrupt the ceremony, but this lady is my wife! Well, AMY, how are +you?" + +"What, JOEY!" exclaimed the (now) ex-Bride, delightedly. "We _are_ +glad to see you! We thought you were dead!" + +Then the gentleman in the dressing-gown was heartily greeted on all +sides. He seemed to be a very popular personage. + +"But where do I come in?" asked Mr. BROWN, the ex-Bridegroom, who had, +during this scene, shown signs of embarrassment. + +"O JOEY, I quite forgot to introduce you to HARRY," said the ex-Bride. +"You must know one another. I was going to marry him when you, +darling, turned up just in the nick of time, like a dear good old +boy!" + +"Delighted to make your acquaintance, Sir," said Mr. JONES, shaking +Mr. BROWN warmly by the hand. "And now I must go back to finish my +breakfast!" + +"Yes, with me," said the ex-Bride. "You must sit, darling, in the seat +intended for poor HARRY. I know you won't mind, HARRY (or, perhaps, I +ought to call you Mr. BROWN now?), as I have _so_ much to say to dear +JOEY. And you can have your breakfast at a side-table--now won't you, +just to please me? You always are _so_ kind and considerate!" + +And, as the wedding-party left the Church, the Clerk hastily +unswitched the electric communication. + +"Be quiet, Sir!" he whispered, sternly, to Mr. BROWN, who had been +talking to himself. "If our clients heard you, we should be ruined! We +guarantee that our telephonic supply shall be perfectly free from bad +language!" + + * * * * * + +PROPHET AND LOSS.--Good Mussulmen, so it is said, object to a play +entitled _Mahomet_ being produced in London. The objection was +successful in Paris. London Managers (except, perhaps, Sheriff +DRURIOLANUS, who revived _Le Prophete_ this season) will be on the +side of the objectors, as they would rather have to do with a genuine +profit than a fictitious one. Perhaps the non-production of _Mahomet_ +may be a loss to Literature and the Drama. + + * * * * * + +A BACHELOR'S IDYL. + + I am not married, but I see + No life so pleasant as my own; + I think it's good for man to be + Alone. + + Some marry not who once have been-- + A curious process--crossed in love, + Who find a life's experience in + A glove; + + Or else will sentimental grow + At recollections of a dance; + But, luckily for me, I've no + Romance. + + Of course I know "love in a cot,"-- + The little wife who calls you "hub,"-- + But I'm content whilst I have got + My Club. + + In some fine way, I don't know how, + Some fool, some idiot, who lacks + A grain of sense, proposes now + A tax. + + A Tax on Bachelors! Ah, well, + If this becomes the law's decree, + I cheerfully shall pay the _L._ + _S.D._, + + Quite happy with my single lot, + Convinced beyond a doubt that life + Is just worth living it you've not + A wife. + + (A LITTLE LATER.) + + [Illustration] + + I'll sing exaltedly no more, + But sadly in a minor key + Will tell what fortune had in store + For me. + + I rather think, the other day, + That someone asked, "Should women woo?" + I'll answer that without delay-- + They do! + + She came--I foolishly was glad-- + She took me captive with a glance, + Of course I never really had + A chance. + + And when she bent her pretty head + To ask the question, I confess + That what at once with joy I said + Was "Yes." + + She says our wedding is to be + On Monday--quite a swell affair. + My wife and I shall hope to see + You there. + + * * * * * + +"IS THIS THE HEND?" + +The following, headed _Scottish Leader_, was sent to us as a +quotation:-- + + "The Duke of FIFE has sold the estate of Eden, near Banff, + to Mr. THOMAS ADAM, Deputy Chairman of the Great North of + Scotland Railway Company." + +If the above information be correct, this transfer of "Eden" to "ADAM" +looks uncommonly like "Paradise Regained." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Learned Baron.] + +The Baron must say a word about _Voces Populi_, by F. ANSTEY, author +of the immortal _Vice Versa_. That the series contained in this +volume appeared in _Mr. Punch's_ pages is sufficient guarantee for +the excellence of its quality, and more than this it would not become +the Baron to say; but of the illustrations by J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE +the Baron can speak--and speak in terms of the highest admiration +of them--as works of genuinely artistic humour. There are twenty +illustrations, that is, ten brace of Partridges, if he will allow the +Baron so far to make game of him. The book is published by LONGMANS, +GREEN & Co. + +The Leadenhall Press has brought out, in Pocket form, _Prince Dorus_, +by CHARLES LAMB, with nine coloured illustrations, following the +original Edition of 1811. The lines are not very Lamb-like, but the +illustrations are very quaint, and the Pocket Volume is a curiosity of +literature. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +A REALLY VALUABLE SUGGESTION. + +(_TO THE EDITOR OF PUNCH._) + +DEAR SIR,--As the conductor of the recognised organ of the legal +profession, I have the honour to address you. My learned and +accomplished friend. Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C., complained the other +day that there was a right of appeal from the Police Court to the +Bench of Middlesex Magistrates. He said that his colleagues were +barristers and gentlemen of considerable eminence, and in those +characters were better able to decide upon the merits of a case +than the persons who compose the Tribunal to which appeal from their +decision is permissible. I have not recently looked through the list +of Metropolitan Police Magistrates, but, if they have been chosen from +the ranks of literature and law, as they were thirty years ago, I can +well understand that they are an exceedingly capable body of men. +That so accomplished a _litterateur_ and admirable an advocate as my +friend Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS himself should have been raised to the +Magisterial bench, is a proof that the standard has been maintained. +But, Sir, can nothing be done for the other tribunal? + +Would it not be possible to appoint a certain proportion of +stipendiaries, with ample salaries, to that body? What is wanted are +men with a perfect knowledge of the law, and a large experience of +the adversities as well as the pleasures of life. If they occasionally +dabble in literature, so much the better. But, it may be said, where +are such men to be found? I answer, in very many places, and, to +encourage the authorities in their search, shall be most happy to +personally head the list. + +Yours, very faithfully, + +(_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. _Pump-handle Court, Oct. 4th, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +THE GROAN OF THE GUSHLESS. + +(_A SONG A LA SHENSTONE._) + + ["What is described as an Anti-Gush Society has, according + to a Pittsburg paper, been formed in New York, its object + being to check the growing tendency, especially noticeable + among young people of the period, to express themselves in + exaggerated language."] + +_Girl Member of the A.G.S. loq._:-- + + Ye maidens, so cheerful and gay, + Whose words ever fulsomely fall, + Oh, pity your friend, who to-day + Has become a Society's thrall. + Allow me to muse and to sigh, + Nor talk of the change that ye find; + None once was more happy than I; + But, alas! I've left Gushing behind! + + [Illustration] + + Now I know what it is to have strove[1] + With the tortures of verbal desire. + I must use measured terms, where I love, + And be moderate, when I admire. + No slang must my diction adorn, + I must never say "awfully swell." + Alas! I feel flat and forlorn, + I have bidden Girl-Gushing farewell! + + Since I put down my name in that book + I have never called bonnets "divine," + For our Sec. with a soul-shaking look, + Would be down on your friend with a fine. + So the milliners now I pass by; + Though dearly they pleased me of yore; + If a girl musn't gush, squirm, and sigh, + Even shopping becomes quite a bore. + + For "gorgeous" I languish in vain, + And I pine for a "love"--and a "dear." + Oh! why did I vow to be plain-- + In my speech? It sounds awfully queer! + Stop! "Awfully" is not allowed. + Though it _will_ slip out sometimes, I own. + Oh, I might as well sit in my shroud, + As use moderate language alone. + + To force us fair nymphs to forego + The hyperbole dear to our heart, + And the slang without which speech is "slow," + Is to make us a "people apart." + Oh, to say (without fines) "quite too-too!" + For dear "awfully jolly" I yearn. + I would "chuck" all my friends, sweet--save you-- + To the pathways of Gush to return. + + Eh? "_Chuck_" did I say? That is Slang! + And "_Sweet_?" That's decidedly Gush! + Oh, let the A.G.S. go hang! + My old love returns with a rush. + It is "gorgeous" once more to be free, + O'er a frock or a first night to glow. + Come to-morrow! Go shopping with me, + _Ownest own_--and we'll gush as we go! + +[Footnote 1: SHENSTONE, not _Mr. Punch_, is responsible for the +peccant participle.] + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN NELSON MOTTO.--At the Church Congress. Lord NELSON +expressed a strong desire for the union of Dissenters with Churchmen. +If his Lordship's reading of the old Nelsonian motto is "England +expects that every clergyman (Dissenter or Churchman) should do +somebody else's duty," then England will have to wait a considerable +time for the Utopian realisation of this pious wish. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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