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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12467-0.txt b/12467-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..750a27b --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1330 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12467 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +October 11, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XX.--THE DIVORCÉE. + +The Court over which Sir JAMES HANNEN presides was instituted for +the purification of morals by the separation of ill-assorted couples. +Matrimonial errors, which had hitherto stood upon the level of +political grievances, capable of redress only after the careful and +unbiassed attention of British legislators had been, at much expense +both of time and money, devoted to them, were henceforth to form the +subject of a special procedure in a division of the Courts of Law +created for the purpose, and honestly calculated to bring separation +and divorce within the reach even of the most modest incomes. The +tyrant man, as usual, favoured himself by the rules he laid down for +the playing of the game. For whereas infidelity on the part of the +wife is held to be, in itself, a sufficient cause for pronouncing a +decree in favour of the husband, a kind, though constantly unfaithful +husband, is protected from divorce, and only punished by separation +from the wife he has wronged. It is necessary for a man to add either +cruelty or desertion to his other offence, in order that his wife +may obtain from the laws of her country the opportunity of marrying +someone else. But the wit of woman has proved equal to the emergency. +Nowhere, it may be safely stated, have more tales of purely +imaginative atrocity been listened to with greater attention, or with +more favourable results, than in the Divorce Court. On an incautious +handshake a sprained wrist and an arm bruised into all the colours of +the rainbow have been not infrequently grafted. A British imprecation, +and a banged door, have often become floods of invective and a +knock-down blow; and a molehill of a pinch has, under favourable +cultivation, been developed into a mountain of ill-treatment, on the +top of which a victorious wife has in the end, triumphantly planted +the banner of freedom. + +[Illustration] + +Hence the Divorce Court, after some years of suspicion, has gradually +come to be looked upon as one of the sacred institutions of +the country. And, speaking generally, those who make use of its +facilities, however much certain of the more strait-laced may frown, +are considered by society at large to have done a thing which is +surprisingly right and often enviable. The result at any rate is that +the number of the divorced increases year by year, and that a lady +whose failings have been established against her by a judicial decree, +may be quite sure of a hand of ardent sympathisers of both sexes, +amongst whom she can hold her head as high as her inclination prompts +her without exciting a larger number of spiteful comments than are +allotted to her immaculate and undecreed sisters. She may not have +been able to abide the question of the Counsel who cross-examined +her, but she is certainly free, even in a wider sense than before. +She may not, perhaps, stand on so lofty a social pinnacle as the +merely-separated lady whose husband still lives, and to whose male +friends the fact that she in practically husbandless, and at the same +time disabled from marriage, gives a delightful sense both of zest and +security. On the other hand, the separated lady must be to a certain +extent circumspect, lest she should place a weapon for further +punishment in the hands of her husband. But to the Divorcée all things +apparently, are permitted. + +When she left the Court in which, to use her own words, "all her +budding hopes had been crushed by the triumph of injustice," the +beautiful Divorcée (for in order to be truly typical the Divorcée is +necessarily beautiful) might have proceeded immediately to plant them +afresh in the old soil. The various gentlemen who had sustained their +reputation as men of honour by tampering on her behalf and on their +own, with the strict letter of the truth, naturally felt that the +boldness of their denials entitled them to her lasting regard, and +showed themselves ready to aid her with their counsel. But, though she +never ceased to protest her innocence of all that had been laid to her +charge and proved against her, she was sufficiently sensible to give +them to understand that for a time, at least, her path in the world +would be easier if they ceased to accompany her. They accepted the +sentence of banishment with a good grace, knowing perfectly well +that it was not for long. The Divorcée then withdrew from the flaming +placards of the daily papers, on which she had figured during the past +week, and betook herself to the seclusion of her bijou residence in +the heart of the most fashionable quarter. Here she pondered for a +short time upon the doubtful unkindness of fate which had deprived her +of a husband whom she despised, and of a home which his presence had +made insupportable. But she soon roused herself to face her new lack +of responsibility, and to enjoy it. At first, she moved cautiously. +There were numerous sympathisers who urged her to defy the world, such +as it is, and to show herself everywhere entirely careless of what +people might say. Such conduct might possibly have been successful, +but the Divorcée foresaw a possible risk to her reputation, and +abstained. She began, therefore, by making her public appearances +infrequent. In company with the devoted widow, whose evidence +had almost saved her from an adverse verdict, she arranged placid +tea-parties at which the casual observer might have imagined that +the rules of social decorum were more strictly enforced than in the +household of an archbishop. Inquiry, however, might have revealed the +fact that a large proportion of the ladies present at these gatherings +had either shaken off the matrimonial shackles, or proposed to do +so, whether as plaintiffs or as defendants, whenever a favourable +opportunity presented itself. The men, too, who were, after a time, +admitted to these staid feasts, were not altogether archiepiscopal, +though they behaved as they were dressed, quite irreproachably. To +counter-balance them to some extent, the Divorcée determined to secure +the presence and the countenance of a clergyman. + +After some search, she discovered one who was enthusiastic, deficient +in worldly knowledge, and susceptible. To him she related her own +private version of her wrongs, which she seasoned with quite a +pretty flow of tears. The amiable cleric yielded without a struggle, +and readily placed at her service the protection of his white +tie. Thus strengthened, she moved forward a little further. She +revisited theatres; she was heard of at Clubs; she shone again at +dinner-parties, and in a year or so had organised for herself a +social circle which entirely satisfied her desires. Sometimes she even +allowed herself to dabble in good works. She was accused of having +written a religious poem for a serious Magazine; but all that was ever +proved against her was, that a remarkable series of articles on _The +Homes of the Poor_ bore traces of a style that was said to be hers. +Evil tongues still whispered in corners, and cynics were heard to +scoff occasionally; but the larger world, which abhors cynics, and +only believes what is good, began to smile upon her. She did not +appear to value its smiles,--but they were useful. Whenever London +tired her, she flitted to Paris, or to the Riviera, or even to +Egypt or Algiers. She subscribed to charities, and acted in Amateur +Theatricals. Finally, she married a gentleman who was believed by his +friends to be a poet, and who certainly qualified for the title by the +romance he had woven about her. With him she lived for many years a +poetic and untrammelled existence, and, when she died, many dowagers +sent wreaths as tokens of their sorrow at the loss of an admirable +woman. + + * * * * * + +VERSES FOR A VIOLINIST. + + "The violin has now fairly taken its place as an instrument + for girls."--_Daily News_. + + In old days of Art the painter much applause would surely win, + When he showed us Saint Cecilia playing on the violin. + + I've no skill of brush and palette like those unforgotten men; + My Cecilia must content herself with an unworthy pen. + + Fairy fingers flash before me as the bow sweeps o'er each string; + Like the organ's _vox humana_, Hark! the instrument can sing. + + That _sonata_ of TARTINI's in my ears will linger long; + It might be some _prima donna_ scaling all the heights of song. + + Every string a different language speaks beneath her skilful sway. + Does the shade of PAGANINI hover over her to-day? + + All can feel the passion throbbing through the music fraught with pain: + Then, with feminine mutation, comes a soft and tender strain. + + Gracious curve of neck, and fiddle tucked 'neath that entrancing chin-- + Fain with you would I change places, O thrice happy violin! + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: THE TOURNEY. + +["Golf is superseding Lawn-Tennis."--_Daily Paper_.]] + + The Champions are mounted, a wonderful pair, + And the boldest who sees them must e'en hold his breath. + Their breastplates and greaves glitter bright in the air; + They have sworn ere they met they would fight to the death. + And the heart of the Queen of the Tournament sinks + At the might of Sir GOLF, the Red Knight of the Links. + + But her Champion, Sir TENNIS, the Knight of the Lawn, + At the throne of the lady who loves him bows low: + He fears not the fight, for his racket is drawn, + And he spurs his great steed as he charges the foe. + And the sound of his war-cry is heard in the din, + "Fifteen, thirty, forty, deuce, vantage, I win!" + + But the Red Knight, Sir GOLF, smiles a smile that is grim, + And a flash as of triumph has mantled his cheek; + And he shouts, "I would scorn to be vanquished by _him_, + With my driver, my iron, my niblick and cleek. + Now, TENNIS, I have thee; I charge from the Tee, + To the deuce with thy racket, thy scoring, and thee!" + + And the ladies all cry, "Oh, Sir TENNIS, our own, + Drive him back whence he came to his bunkers and gorse." + And the men shake their heads, for Sir TENNIS seems blown, + There are cracks in his armour, and wounds on his horse. + But the Umpire, Sir PUNCH, as he watches says, "Pooh! + Let them fight and be friends; _there is room for the two_." + + * * * * * + +A LAMB-LIKE GAMBOL. + +Some little time ago we noticed with great satisfaction, that the +Committee of the Sunday School Union had advertised in the _Athenæum_ +for the "best Tale on Gambling," for which they were anxious to +pay One Hundred Pounds sterling. The principal "condition" that the +C.S.S.U. attached to their competition was that "the tale must be +drawn as far as possible from actual life, and must vividly depict +the evils of gambling, setting forth its ruinous effects sociably and +morally on the young people of our land." Perhaps the following short +story may serve as a model to the candidates. This romance must be +considered "outside the competition." Here it is. + +PLEASANT POVERTY BETTER THAN WICKED WEALTH! + +PETER was a good boy. He went to Sunday school regularly, and always +took off his hat to his superiors--he so objected to gambling that +he never called them "betters." One day PETER found a sovereign, and +fearing, lest it might be a gilded jubilee shilling, decided to spend +it upon himself, rather than run the risk of possibly causing the +Police to put it in circulation, under the impression that it was +a coin of the higher value. He spent ten shillings on a ticket to +Boulogne-sur-Mer, and with the remaining half-sovereign played at +_Chemin de Fer_ at the Casino. And, alas! this was his first straying +from the path of virtue. Unfortunately he was most unlucky (from a +moral point of view) in his venture, leaving the tables with a sum +exceeding forty pounds. Feeling reluctant that money so ill-gained +should remain for very long in his possession, he spent a large slice +of it in securing a ticket for Monte Carlo. + +Arrived at this dreadful place he backed Zero fifteen times running, +was unhappy enough to break the bank, and retired to rest with over +ten thousand pounds. He now decided, that he had best return to +England, where he felt sure he would be safe from further temptation. + +When he was once more in London, he could not make up his mind whether +he should contribute his greatly scorned fortune to the Committee of +the Sunday School Union, or plank his last dollar on a rank outsider +for a place in the Derby. From a feeling of delicacy, he adopted the +latter course, and was indescribably shocked to pull off his fancy +at Epsom. Thinking that the Committee of the same useful body would +refuse to receive money obtained under such painful circumstances, he +plunged deeply on the Stock Exchange, and again added considerably +to his much-hated store. It was at this period in his history that +he married, and then the punishment he had so justly merited overtook +him. His wife was a pushing young woman, whose great delight was +to see her name in the Society papers. This pleasure she managed to +secure by taking a large house, and giving costly entertainments to +all sorts and conditions of individuals. Poor PETER soon found this +mode of life intolerably wearisome. He now never knew an hour's +peace, until one day he determined to run away from home, leaving in +the hands of his wife all that he possessed. His absence made no +perceptible difference in Mrs. PETER's _ménage_. It was generally +supposed that he was living abroad. However, on one winter night there +was a large gathering at his wife's house, and, it being very cold, +the guests eagerly availed themselves of the services of the linkman, +who had told himself off to fetch their carriages. + +And, when everyone was gone, the poor linkman asked the mistress of +the house for some broken victuals. + +"Good gracious!" exclaimed that Lady, "if it isn't my husband! What do +you mean, PETER, by so disgracing me?" + +"Disgrace you!--not I!" returned PETER. "No one recognises me. Of all +the guests that throng my house, and eat my suppers, I don't believe +there is a solitary individual who knows me by sight." + +And PETER was right. Ah, how much better would it have been had PETER +remained at school, and not found that sovereign! Had he remained at +school, he would some day have acquired a mass of information that +would have been of immense assistance to him when his father died, and +he succeeded to the paternal broom, and the right of sweep over the +family street-crossing! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO MUCH GENIUS. + +_Poet_. "OH--A--I ALWAYS WRITE MY POEMS RIGHT OFF, WITHOUT ANY +CORRECTIONS, YOU KNOW, AND SEND THEM STRAIGHT TO THE PRINTER. I NEVER +LOOK AT 'EM A SECOND TIME." + +_Critic_. "NO MORE DO YOUR READERS, MY BOY!"] + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +OSTRICH "FARMING."--We are afraid we cannot give you any sound +or useful information to assist you in your project of keeping an +ostrich-farm in a retired street in Bayswater; but that you should +have already received a consignment of fifty "fine, full-grown birds," +and managed, with the aid of five railway porters, and all the local +police available, to get them from the van in which they arrived +up two flights of stairs, and locate them temporarily in your back +drawing-room, augurs at least for a good start to your undertaking. +That three should have escaped, and, after severely kicking the Vicar, +who happened to be dining with you, terrified the whole neighbourhood, +and effected an entrance into an adjacent public-house, where they +appear to have done a good deal of damage to the glass and crockery, +upsetting a ten-gallon cask of gin, and frightening the barmaid into +a fit of hysterics, being only finally captured by the device of +getting a coal-sack over their heads, was, after all, but a slight +_contretemps_, and not one to be taken into account when measured +against the grand fact that you have got _all your birds safely lodged +for the night_. A little arnica, and a fortnight in bed, will, in all +probability, set the Vicar all right. With regard to their food, we +should advise you to continue the tinned lobster and muffins, which +they seem to relish. You appear to be alarmed at their swallowing the +tins. There is no occasion for any anxiety on this point, the tin, +doubtless, serving as the proverbial "digestive" pebble with which +all birds, we believe, accompany a hearty meal. We fear we cannot +enlighten you as to how you make your profits out of an ostrich-farm; +but, speaking at random, we should say they would probably arise by +pulling the feathers out of the tails of the birds and selling them to +Court Milliners. Your idea of trying them in harness in a Hansom seems +to have something in it. Turn it over, by all means. Meantime, get +a Shilling Handbook on the Management of the Ostrich. We think you +will have to cover in your garden with a tarpaulin as you suggest. +You cannot expect the fifty birds to stay for ever in your back +drawing-room; and the fact that you mention, of their having already +kicked down and eaten one folding-door, is significant. They will be +escaping from your balcony all over the neighbourhood if you do not +take care to secure them; and as they seem fresh, very aggressive, and +strong in the leg, such a catastrophe might lead you into a good deal +of unpleasantness. Take our advice, and get them downstairs, tight +under a stout tarpaulin, as soon as possible. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._ + +NO. I.--"I'M MONARCH OF ALL I _SURVEY_!" + + SCENE--_Interior of newly-erected building. Present, the + Builder and a Surveyor, the former looking timidly foxy, + the latter knowingly pompous, and floridly self-important; + Builder, in dusty suit of dittoes, carries one hand in + his breeches-pocket, where he chinks certain metallic + substances--which may be coins or keys--nervously and + intermittently. Surveyor, a burly mass of broadcloth and big + watch-chain, carries an intimidating note-book, and a menacing + pencil, making mems. in a staccato and stabbing fashion, which + is singularly nerve-shaking._ + +_Surveyor_ (_speaking with his pencil in his mouth_). Well, +Mister--er--er--WOTSERNAME, I--er--think--'m, 'm, 'm--things seem to +be _pretty_ right as far's I can see; though of course-- + +_Builder_ (_hastily_). Oh, I assure you I've taken the _greatest_ +pains to conform to--er--rules in--er--in _every_ way; though if there +_should_ be any little thing that ketches your eye, why, you've only +to-- + +[Illustration] + +_Surveyor_. Oh, of course, of course! _We_ know all about that. You +see _I_ can only go by rule. What's right's right; what's wrong's +wrong; that's about the size of it. _I've_ nothing to do with it, one +way or another, except to see the law carried out. + +_Builder_. Ex-ack-ly! However, if you've seen all you want to, we may +as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and-- + +_Surveyor_ (_suddenly_). By the way, I suppose this wall is properly +underpinned? + +_Builder_ (_nervously_). Well--er--not exackly--but, 'er, 'er--well, +the fact is I thought-- + +_Surveyor_ (_sternly_). What you _thought_, Sir, doesn't affect the +matter. The question is, what the Building Act _says_. The whole thing +must come down! + +_Builder_. But, I say, that'll run me into ten pounds, at least, and +really the thing's as safe as-- + +_Surveyor_. Maybe, maybe--in fact, I don't say it isn't. But the Act +says it's got to be done. + +_Builder_. Well, well, if there's no help for it, I must _do_ it, of +course. + +_Surveyor_ (_looking somehow disappointed_). Very sorry, of course, +but you see what must be must. + +_Builder_ (_sadly_). Yes, yes, no doubt. Well (_brightening_), anyhow, +we may as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and crack a +bottle of champagne. + +_Surveyor_ (_also brightening_). Well, ours is a dusty job, and I +don't care if I do. + + [_They do so. Surveyor drinks his full share of Heidsieck, + and smokes a cigar of full size and flavour. He and + Builder exchange reminiscences concerning past professional + experiences, the "tricks of trade," diverse devices for + "dodging the Act," &c., &c. Surveyor explains how stubborn + builders ("not like you, you know"), who don't do the thing + handsome, often suffer by having to run themselves to expenses + that might have been avoided--and serve 'em right too! Also, + how others, without a temper above "tips," and of a generally + gentlemanly tone of mind, save themselves lots of little + extras, which, maybe, the letter of the law would exact, + but which a Surveyor of sense and good feeling can get + over, "and no harm done, neither, to nobody." As the wine + circulates, it is noticeable that good-fellowship grows almost + boisterous, and facetiousness mellows into chuckling cynicism + of the winking, waggish, "we all do it" sort._ + +_Surveyor_ (_tossing off last glass, and smacking his lips_). Well, +well, the best of friends must part, and I guess I must be toddling. +Very glad to have met you, I'm sure, and a better bit of building than +yours yonder I haven't seen for some time. Seems a pity, hanged if +it don't, that you should have to put yourself to such an additional +outlay--ah, by the way, _what_ did you say it would cost you? + +_Builder_. Oh, about ten pounds, I suppose. + +_Surveyor_ (_lighting another cigar_). Humph! (_Puff' +puff!_) Pity--pity! (_Puff! puff!_) Now look here, my +boy--(_confidentially_)--suppose you and me just divide that +tenner between us, five to you, and five to me; and, as to the +"underpinning"--well, nobody'll be a bit the wiser, and the building +won't be a halfpenny the worse, _I'll_ bet my boots. Come, is it a +bargain? + + [_After a little beating about the bush, the little "job" is + arranged amicably, on the practical basis of "a fiver each, + and mum's the word on both sides," thus evading the law, + saving the Builder a few pounds, and supplementing the + salary of the Surveyor. Ulterior results, unsanitary or + otherwise, do not come within the compass of this sketch._ + + * * * * * + +STRANGER THAN FICTION! + +(_POSTMARKS--LEEDS, HULL, AND ELSEWHERE._) + +Mr. Punch was assisting at a Congress. The large room in which that +Congress was being held was crowded, and consequently the heat was +oppressive. The speeches, too, were not particularly interesting, +and the Sage became drowsy. It was fortunate, therefore, that a fair +maiden in a classical garb (who suddenly appeared seated beside him) +should have addressed him. The interruption reassembled in their +proper home his wandering senses. + +"I fear, _Mr. Punch_," said the fair maiden, looking at herself in a +small mirror which she was holding in her right hand, "that you are +inclined to go to sleep." + +"Well, I am," replied the Sage, with unaccountable bluntness; "truth +to tell, these orations about nothing in particular, spouted by +persons with an imperfect knowledge of, I should say, almost any +subject, bore me." + +"The information is unnecessary," observed the young lady; with a +smile. "I share your feelings. But if you will be so kind as to pay a +little attention to the speakers while they are under my influence, I +think you will discover a new interest in their utterances." + +"Are you an hypnotist, Madam?" asked _Mr. Punch_. + +"Well, not exactly. But, when I have the chance, I can make people +speak the Truth." + +Then _Mr. Punch_ listened, and was surprised at the strange things +that next happened. + +"I wish to be perfectly frank with you," said a gentleman on the +platform; "I am here because I wish to see my name in the papers, and +all the observations I have made up to date have been addressed to the +reporters. I am glad I can control my thoughts, because I would not +for worlds let you know the truth. It is my ambition to figure as a +philanthropist, and on my word, I think this is the cheapest and most +effective mode of carrying out my intention." + +Then the gentleman resumed his seat with a smile that suggested that +he was under the impression that he had just delivered himself of +sentiments bound to extort universal admiration. + +"That is not exactly my case," observed a second speaker, "because I +do not care two pins for anything save the entertainments which are +invariably associated with scientific research, or philanthropical +inquiry. I pay my guinea, after considerable delay, and then expect +to take out five times that amount in grudgingly bestowed, but +competitionally provoked (if I may be pardoned the expression) +hospitality. I attend a portion--a small portion--of a lecture, and +then hurry off to the nearest free luncheon, or gratuitous dinner, in +the neighbourhood. I should be a tax upon my friends if I dropped in +at half-past one, or at a quarter to eight, punctually, and my motives +would be too wisely interpreted to a desire on my part to reduce the +sum total of my butcher's book. So I merely drop in upon a place where +a Congress is being held, and make the most of my membership." + +"These startling statements are decidedly unconventional," said _Mr. +Punch_, turning towards his fair companion, "and that your influence +should cause them to be made, astounds me. I trust you will not +consider me indiscreet if I ask for--" + +"My name and address," returned the fair maiden, smilingly, completing +the sentence; "Learn, then, that I live at the bottom of a well, to +which rather damp resting-place I am about to return; and that in +England I am called Truth." + +And as the lady disappeared, _Mr. Punch_ fell from his chair, and +awoke! + +"Dear me, I have been dreaming!" exclaimed the Sage, as he left +the meeting. "Well, as everyone knows, dreams are not in the least +like reality! But the strangest thing of all was to find Truth in a +Congress!" + +And it was strange, indeed. + + * * * * * + +AT THE THEATRE! + +_THE LYCEUM AGAIN. THE HAYMARKET ONCE MORE._ + +"Great Scott!" we exclaim,--not Critical CLEMENT of that ilk, but Sir +WALTER,--on again seeing _Ravenswood_. Since then an alteration in +the _modus shootendi_ has been made, and _Edgar_ no longer takes a +pot-shot at the bull from the window, but, ascertaining from _Sir +William Ashton Bishop_ that _Ellen Lucy Terry_ is being Terryfied by +an Irish bull which has got mixed up with the Scotch "herd without," +_Henry Edgar Irving_ rushes off, gun in hand; then the report of the +gun is, like the Scotch oxen, also "_heard_ without," and _Henry_ +reappears on the scene, having saved _Ellen Lucy Ashton_ by reducing +the fierce bull to potted beef. + +[Illustration] + +"What shall he have who kills the bull?" "The Dear! the Dear!" +meaning, of course, _Ellen Lucy Ashton_ aforesaid. After this all +goes well. Acting excellent all round--or nearly all round, the one +exception being, however, the very much "all-round" representative +of _Lady Ashton_, whose misfortune it is to have been selected for +this particular part. Scenery lovely, and again and again must HAWES +MCCHAVEN be congratulated on the beautiful scene of The Mermaiden's +Well (never better, in fact), Act III. The love-making bit in this +Act is charming, and the classic Sibyl, _Ailsie_, superb. Nothing in +stage effect within our memory has equalled the pathos of the final +_tableau_. It is most touching through its extreme simplicity. + +The Haymarket has re-opened with the odd mixture of the +excellent French _Abbé Constantin_ and the weak, muddle-headed, +Tree-and-Grundy-ised "village Priest," known as the _Abbé Dubois_, +or "_Abbé Do Bore_," as 'ARRY might call him. Changes are in +contemplation, and may have been already announced. Whatever they may +be, it is some consolation to learn that this Tree-and-Grundy-ised +French Abbé is not likely to be a "perpetual Curate." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. II.--BURRA MURRA BOKO. + +(_BY_ KIPPIERD HERRING, _AUTHOR OF "SOLDIERS' TEA," "OVER THE +DARODEES," "HANDSOME HEADS ON THE VALETS," "MORE BLACK THAN WHITE," +"EXPERIMENTAL DITTOS," &C., &C._) + + [NOTE.--The MS. of this story arrived from India by pneumatic + despatch, a few puffs having been apparently sufficient. + In a letter which was enclosed with it the author modestly + apologises for its innumerable merits. "But," he adds, "I have + several hundred of the same sort in stock, and can supply them + at a moment's notice. Kindly send £1000 in Bank of England + notes, by registered letter, to K. HERRING. No farther address + will be required."] + +_Polla dan anta cat anta._ What will you have, Sahib? My heart is +made fat, and my eyes run with the water of joy. _Kni vestog rind. +Scis sorstog rind_, the Sahib is as a brother to the needy, and the +afflicted at the sound of his voice become as a warming-pan in a _fôr +postah_. Ahoo! Ahoo! I have lied unto the Sahib. _Mi ais an dlims_, I +am a servant of sin. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +There came a sound in the night as of an elephant-herd trumpeting in +anger, and my liver was dissolved, and the heart within me became as +a _Patoph But'ah_ under the noon-day sun. I made haste, for there was +fear in the air, Sahib, and the _Pleez Mahn_ that walketh by night +was upon me. But, oh, Sahib, the cunning of the serpent was with me, +and as he passed I tripped him up, and the raging river received him. +Twice he rose, and the gleam of his eyes spake in vain for help. And +at last there came a bubble where the man had been, and he was seen no +more. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +That night I spake unto her as she stood in the moonlight. "Oh, sister +of an oil-jar, and daughter of pig-troughs, what is it thou hast +done?" And she, laughing, spake naught in reply, but gave me the +_Tcheke Slahp_ of her tribe, and her fingers fell upon my face, and my +teeth rattled within my mouth. But I, for my blood was made hot within +me, sped swiftly from her, making no halt, and the noise of fifty +thousand devils was in my ears, and the rage of the _Smâk duns_ burnt +fierce within the breast of me, and my tongue was as a fresh fig that +grows upon a southern wall. _Auggrh!_ pass me the peg, for my mouth is +dry. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ Then came the Yunkum Sahib, +and the Bunkum Sahib, and they spake awhile together. But I, like unto +a _Brerra-bit_, lay low, and my breath came softly, and they knew not +that I watched them as they spake. And they joked much together, and +told each to the other how that the wives of their friends were to +them as mice in the sight of the crouching _Tabbikat_, and that the +honour of a man was as sand, that is blown afar by the storm-wind +of the desert, which maketh blind the faithful, and stoppeth their +mouths. Such are all of them, Sahib, since I that speak unto you know +them for what they are, and thus I set forth the tale that all men may +read, and understand. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +'"Twas the most ondacint bedivilmint ever I set eyes on, Sorr. There +was I, blandandhering widout"-- + +"Pardon me," I said, "this is rather puzzling. A moment back you +were a Mahajun of Puli, in Marwur, or a Delhi Pathan, or a Wali Dad, +or something of that sort, and now you seem to have turned into an +Irishman. Can you tell me how it is done?" + +"Whist, ye oncivilised, backslidhering pagin!" said my friend, Private +O'RAMMIS, for it was indeed he. "Hould on there till I've tould ye. +Fwhat was I sayin'? Eyah, eyah, them was the bhoys for the dhrink. +When the sun kem out wid a blink in his oi, an' the belly-band av his +new shoot tied round him, there was PORTERS and ATHUS lyin' mixed up +wid the brandy-kegs, and the houl of the rigimint tearin' round like +all the divils from hell bruk loose. + +"Thin I knew there'd be thrubble, for ye must know, Sorr, there was a +little orf'cer bhoy cryin' as tho' his little heart was breakin', an' +the Colonel's wife's sister, wid her minowderin' voice--" + +"Look here, O'RAMMIS," I said, "I don't like to stop you; but isn't it +just a trifle rash--I mean," I added hastily, for I saw him fingering +his bayonet, "is it quite as wise as it might be to use up all your +materials at once? Besides, I seem to have met that little Orf'cer +bhoy and the Colonel's wife's sister before. I merely mention it as +a friend." + +"You let 'im go, Sir," put in PORTERS, with his cockney accent. "Lor, +Sir, TERENCE knows bloomin' well wot 'e's torkin' about, an' wen +'e's got a story to tell you know there ain't one o' us wot'll get a +bloomin' word in; or leastways, Hi carn't." + +"Sitha," added JOCK ATHUS. "I never gotten but one story told mysen, +and he joomped down my throaat for that. Let un taalk, Sir, let un +taalk." + +"Very well," I said, producing one of the half-dozen bottles of +champagne that I always carried in my coat-tail pockets whenever I +went up to the Barracks to visit my friend O'RAMMIS, "very well. Fire +away, TERENCE, and let us have your story." + +"I'm an ould fool," continued O'RAMMIS, in a convinced tone. "But +ye know, JOCK, how 'twas. I misremember fwhat I said to her, but she +never stirred, and only luked at me wid her melancolious ois, and +wid that my arm was round her waist, for bedad, it was pretty, she +was under the moon in the ould barrick square. 'Hould on there,' she +says, 'ye boiled thief of Deuteronomy. D'ye think I've kem here to be +philandhering afther you. I'd make a better man than you out av empty +kyartridges and putty.' Wid that she turned on her heel, and was for +marching away. But I was at her soide agin before she'd got her left +fut on the beat. 'That's quare,' thinks I to myself; 'but, TERENCE, +me bhoy, 'tis you know the thricks av the women. Shoulder arrums,' I +thinks, 'and let fly wid the back sight.' Wid that I just squeezed her +hand wid the most dellikit av all squeezings, and, sez I, 'MARY, me +darlint,' I sez, 'ye're not vexed wid TERENCE, I know;' but you never +can tell the way av a woman, for before the words was over the tongue +av me, the bhoys kem raging an' ramshackling--" + +"Really, O'RAMMIS," I ventured to observe, for I noticed that he +and his two friends had pulled all the other five bottles out of my +pocket, and had finished them, "I'm a little disappointed with you +to-day. I came out here for a little quiet blood-and-thunder before +going to bed, and you are mixing up your stories like the regimental +laundress's soapsuds. It's not right of you. Now, honestly, is it?" + +But the Three Musketeers had vanished. Perhaps they may reappear, +bound in blue-grey on the railway bookstalls. Perhaps not. And the +worst of it is, that the Colonel will never understand them, and the +gentlemen who write articles will never understand them. There is +only one man who knows all about them, and even he is sometimes what +my friend O'RAMMIS calls "a blandandhering, philandhering, +misundherstandhering civilian man." + +Which his name is KIPPIERD HERRING. And that is perfectly true. + + * * * * * + +SO MUCH FOR KNOTTING'EM.--The Dean of Rochester to be henceforth known +as The Dean of Knotting'em. His new motto,-- + + "Whack a 'Shack' + Smack on his back." + +Perhaps the Dean would then like to make a Moslem of the lolloping +do-nothing offender, and call him "Shackaback." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WAITING FOR THE EXPRESS. (NOUS AVONS CHANGÉ TOUT CELA.) + +FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERS:--SIR GORGIUS MIDAS, LADY MIDAS, AND GORGIUS +MIDAS, ESQ., JUNR. + +SECOND-CLASS DITTO:--BUTLERS, FOOTMEN, GROOMS, MAIDS, &C, OF THE HOUSE +OF MIDAS. + +THIRD-CLASS DITTO:--THE HON. AND REV. JAMES AND LADY SUSAN DE VERE, +GENERAL SIR JOHN AND LADY HAUTCASTLE, F. MADDER LAKE, ESQ., R.A., AND +DAUGHTERS, PROFESSOR PARALLAX, F.R.S., &C., &C., &C.] + + * * * * * + +"HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS;" + +_OR, "APPROACHING" THE HYDRA._ + + [The London County Council adopted the Report of a Committee: + "That the Committee be authorised to enter into tentative + negotiations with the Water Companies, for the purpose of + ascertaining upon what terms the Companies will be prepared + to dispose of their undertakings to the Council." The + Vice-Chairman (Sir T. FARRER) thought that the Committee + "would be as wax in the hands of the clever agents of the + Companies." The Chairman (Sir JOHN LUBBOCK) was in favour + of deferring the question.] + + That Hydra again! Monster huge, hydro-cephalous, + Haunting our city of blunders and jobs, + Born, it would seem, to bewilder and baffle us, + _Who_'ll give you "one" for your numerous nobs. + Many have menaced you, some had a shy at you; + SALISBURY stout, and bespectacled CROSS, + Each in his season has joined in the cry at you, + Little, 'twould seem, to your damage or loss. + Still you eight-headed and lanky-limbed monster, you + Sprawl and monopolise, spread and devour. + Many assail you, but hitherto, none stir you. + Say, _has_ the hero arrived, and the hour? + No Infant Hercules, surely, can tackle you, + Ancient abortion, with hope of success. + It needeth a true full-grown hero to shackle you, + Jupiter's son, and Alcmene's, no less! + Our civic Hercules smacks of the nursery, + Not three years old, though ambitious, no doubt; + _You_'ll scarce be captured by tentatives cursory. + Snared by a "motion," or scared by a "spout," + Hera's pet, offspring of Typhon, the lion-clad + Hero assailed, _con amore_; but _you_, + Callous as Behemoth, hard as an iron-clad, + "Conciliation" with coldness will view + Fancy "approaching" the Hydra with honey-bait, + Tempting the monster to parley and purr! + How will Monopoly look on a money-bait? + Hercules, too, who would "like to defer?" + Not quite a true hard-shell hero--in attitude-- + Hercules (County) Concilians looks; + Thinks he to move a true Hydra to gratitude? + Real Leviathan chortles at hooks! + "Come, pretty Hydra! 'Agreement provisional,' + Properly baited with sound _L.S.D._, + Ought to entice you!" He's scorn and derision all, + Hydra, if true to his breed. We shall see! + Just so a groom, with the bridle behind him, + Tempts a free horse with some corn in a sieve. + Will London's Hydra let "tentatives" blind him, + Snap at the bait, and the tempter believe? + Or will the "hero"--in form of Committee-- + Really prove wax for the Hydra to mould? + Yes, there's the club, but it's rather a pity + Hercules seems a bit feeble of hold. + Tentative heroes may suit modern urgency, + LUBBOCK may win where a Hercules fails. + If we now hunt, upon public emergency, + Stymphalian Birds, 'tis with salt for their tails! + + * * * * * + +"YE GODS, WHAT A TERRIBLE TWIST!" + +Statistics are sweet things, and full of startling surprises. Like the +Frenchman in "_Killaloe_" "you never know what they'll be up to next." +Here, for instance, is a "statement showing the decrease in price in +the United States of many articles within the past ten years _largely +consumed_ by the agricultural community." And among these "many +articles" "largely consumed," are "mowing machines, barb fence-wire, +horseshoes, forks, wire-cloth, slop-buckets, wheelbarrows, and +putty." No wonder dyspepsia is the national disease in America. Fancy +"consuming" French staples, pie-plates (though _they_ sound almost +edible), and putty!!! The ostrich is supposed to be capable of +digesting such dainties as broken bottles, and tenpenny nails, but +that voracious fowl is evidently not "in it" with the "Agricultural +community" of America. + + * * * * * + +ODD.--A Correspondent says he found this advertisement in the +_Guardian_:-- + + RECTOR of S. Michael's, Lichfield, requires help of a + LAY-READER. Visiting, S.-school, cottage services, ass. in + choir, &c. Good salary. + +The explanation, we believe, is, that "ass." is the abbreviated form +of "assisting." The Rector had better have the unabbreviated assistant +in choir, particularly if he be already short of choristers; unless +the Rector should be also Vicar of Bray, in which case the "ass." +could be transferred from Lichfield to the more appropriate living. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS." + +"The Special Committee on Water Supply, appointed by the London County +Council, said, in their Report, 'Before entering upon the inquiry, +the Committee thought it would be desirable to approach the Water +Companies with a view to ascertaining whether it would be possible +for the Companies and the Council to make some provisional agreement +as to the terms upon which the Companies' Water undertakings should +be transferred to the Council, if Parliament gave the necessary +authority.'"--_The Times' Report_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOSSOO IN EGYPT. + +_Mr. Punch_ (_to French Guardian of Egyptian Monuments_). "COME, I +SAY, SIR! DO YOU CALL THIS LOOKING AFTER THE MONUMENTS? WAKE UP, OR +YOU'LL HAVE TO GO!"--_See "Times" Leader, Oct. 3rd, 1890._] + + * * * * * + +JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE. + +SEVENTH ENTRY. + +To my intense surprise--shared, as far as I can see, by all my friends +and relatives--I have managed to pass the "Bar Final"! I attribute +the portentous fact to the Examiners having discreetly avoided all +reference to the "Rule in SHELLEY's Case." + +Find that the Students who are going to be "called within the Bar," +have to be presented to the Benchers on one special evening, after +dinner, in Hall. Ceremony rather funereal, at _my_ Inn--but not the +same at all Inns. About twenty of us summoned one by one to the +High Table; several go up before me, and as there is a big screen I +can't see what happens to them. Only--most remarkable circumstance +this--_not one of them comes back_! Have the Benchers decided to +sternly limit the numbers of the Profession? Perhaps they are "putting +in an execution." Just thinking of escape, when my name called +out. March up to Table, determined not to perish without a spirited +resistance. + +To complete the idea of its being an Execution, here is the Chaplain! +Will he say a "few last words" to the culprit--myself--prior to my +being pinioned? + +As matter of fact, Bencher at head of Table (portly old gentleman, who +looks as if he might be described as a "bottle-a-day-of-port-ly" old +gentleman) shakes hands, coldly, and that's all. Not even a Queen's +Shilling given me, as I am conducted off to another table close by. + +Mystery of disappearance of other candidates explained. Here they +are--all at this table--"all silent, and all called"! It seems that +this is the Barristers' part of the Hall, other the Students'. + +Ceremony not over yet. After dinner we are invited, all twenty, +to dessert and wine with the Benchers--or rather, at the Benchers' +expense, because we don't really see and chat with these great men, +only a single representative, who presides at table in a long bare +room downstairs, resembling a cellar. Benchers' own Common-room above. +Why don't they invite us up there? Bencher, who has come down to +preside over this entertainment, has a rather forbidding air about +him. Seems to be thinking--"I don't care much for this sort of +function. Stupid old custom. But must keep it up, I suppose, for good +of Inn; and Benchers (hang them!) have deputed _me_ to take head of +the table to-night--probably because I look so desperately lively." + +There _is_ a sort of "disinterred liveliness" (to quote Bishop +WILBERFORCE) about him, after all. Tries to joke. No doubt regards us +all as a pack of fools to join over-crowded profession--still, as we +_are_ here, he will try and forget that, in a few years, the majority +of us will probably be starving. + +After an interval, Bored Bencher thinks it necessary to rise and +make little speech. Assures us (_Query_--hyprocrisy?) that we are +all extremely likely to attain to high positions at the Bar. Says +something feebly humorous about Woolsack. Bad taste, because we can't +_all_ sit on Woolsack at once; and mention of it excites feelings of +emulation, almost of animosity, towards other new-fledged Barristers. +I am conscious, for instance, of distinct repulsion towards man on my +right, who is cracking nuts, and who must be a son or nephew of our +Chairman, judging by the familiarity with which he treats latter. +Probably his uncle will flood him with briefs--and that will be called +"making his own way in the world." Pshaw! + +Wine-and-dessert entertainment only lasts an hour. Forbidding Bencher +evidently feels that an hour is as much as he can possibly stand. So +we all depart, except the favoured nephew (or son), who, as I suspect, +"remains to prey" on his uncle (or father), and probably to be invited +in to the _real_ feast which no doubt the Inn worthies are enjoying +upstairs. + +Next morning meet a legal friend, who asks, "When are you to be +presented at Court?" + +"Presented at Court?"--I ask in surprise. + +"Yes--Court of Queen's Bench--ha! ha! You'll have to go one of these +days in wig and gown to the Q.B.D., and inscribe your name in a big +book, and bow to the Judges, and come out." + +"What's the good of doing that?" I want to know. + +"None whatever. An old custom, that's all. A sort of legal fiction, +you know." (_Query_--If a Queen's Counsel writes a novel, isn't _that_ +a real legal fiction?) "You'll feel rather like a little boy going +to a new school. Judges look at you with an air of 'I say, you new +feller, what's your name? Where do you come from? What House are +you in?--then a good kick. They can't kick you, so they glare at you +instead. Interesting ceremony. Ta, ta!" + +It turns out as my friend says. But previously there is the +other little formality of purchasing the trailing garments of the +Profession. Go to a wig-and-gown-maker near the Law Courts. Ask to see +different kinds of wigs. + +"We only make one kind," replies the wig-man, pityingly. "The Patent +Ventilating Anticalvitium. You'll find it as light as a feather, +almost. Made of superfine 'orse-'air." He says this as if he never +got his material from anything below the value of a Derby Winner. + +"Why do you call it the Anticalvitium?" I ask. + +"Because it don't make the 'air fall off, Sir, as all other wigs do." + +Do they? Another objection to the profession. Wish I had known this +before I began to grind for the Bar Exam. Wig-man measures my head. + +"Rather large size, Sir," he remarks. Says it as if I must have +water on the brain at the very least. "Middle Temple, I suppose?"--he +queries. Why? Somehow it would _sound_ more flattering if he had +supposed Inner Temple, instead of Middle. Wonder if I shall ever be +described as an "Outer barrister, of the Inner Temple, with Middling +abilities." Is there a special cut of face belonging to the Inner +Temple, another for the Middle (there _is_ a "middle cut" in salmon, +why not in the law?) and a third for Lincoln's Inn? + +Find, while I am meditating these problems, that I have been "suited" +with a gown, also with a stock of ridiculous little linen flaps, which +are called "bands." Think about "forbidding the bands," but don't know +how to. + + * * * * * + +NOTE FOR THE NEW UNIONISM. + + "Union is Strength." Let lovers of communion + Remember Strength (of language) is _not_ Union! + + * * * * * + +NEW DEFINITION OF A "FEATHER-BED FIGHTER."--A Boxer with gloves over +four ounces in weight. And anything over that, we suppose, must be +considered a "feather-weight." This gives a new significance to the +saying, "You might have knocked me down with a feather." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR M.P. MAKES A LITTLE TOUR IN IRELAND.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. TYMS HIRED A MOUNT WITH THE STAGHOUNDS, BUT QUICKLY +CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT WAS A BRUTAL SHAME TO CHASE THE POOR +DEER UP AND DOWN THOSE HORRIBLE BANKS.] + + * * * * * + +A TALE OF THE TELEPHONE. + +(_A STORY OF WHAT MAY HAPPEN SOME DAY IN GEORGE STREET, HANOVER +SQUARE._) + +There were a few minutes unoccupied before the time appointed for the +ceremony, and so the Pew-opener thought he could not do better than +point out the many excellences of the church to the Bridegroom. + +"You see, Sir," he said, "our pulpit is occupied by the best possible +talent. The Vicar takes the greatest interest in securing every rising +preacher, and thus, Sunday after Sunday, we have the most startling +orations." + +The Bridegroom (slightly bored) said that if he had happened to live +in the neighbourhood, he should certainly have taken sittings. + +"But living in the neighbourhood is not necessary, Sir," persisted the +Pew-opener. "Let into the sounding-board is a telephone, and so our +Vicar can supply the sermons preached here, hot and hot, to residents +in the London Postal District. Considering the quality of the +discourses, he charges a very low rate. The system has been largely +adopted. As a matter of fact the whole service, and not only the +pulpit, has been laid on to the principal Hotels and Clubs." + +But further conversation was here cut short by the arrival of the +Bride, who, led by her brother, advanced towards the altar with an air +of confidence that charmed all beholders. This self-possession was +the outcome of the lady being--as her grey moiré-antique indicated--a +widow. Congratulations passed round amongst the friends and relatives, +and then the bridal party was arranged in front of the good old Vicar. + +"Have you switched us on?" said he to the Clerk. + +"Yes, Sir," was the reply. "We are now in communication with all the +principal Hotels and Clubs." + +"That's right. I am always anxious that my clients shall have their +full money's-worth." And then the Vicar read with much emphasis the +exhortation to the public to declare any "just cause or impediment" to +the marriage. Naturally there was no response, and an opening hymn was +sung by the choir, which, containing some half-dozen verses, lasted +quite a quarter of an hour. At its conclusion the Vicar, who had +allowed his attention to become distracted, instead of going on with +the service, again read the exhortation. He once more gave the names +of "HARRY SMITH, bachelor," and "AMY JONES, widow." + +"If anyone knows any just cause or impediment," he continued. + +"Stop; I do!" interrupted a gentleman in a dressing-gown, who had +hurriedly entered the Church. "I heard you about a quarter of an hour +ago, while I was breakfasting at the Shaftesbury Avenue Hotel, ask the +same question, and came here without changing my coat. Very sorry to +interrupt the ceremony, but this lady is my wife! Well, AMY, how are +you?" + +"What, JOEY!" exclaimed the (now) ex-Bride, delightedly. "We _are_ +glad to see you! We thought you were dead!" + +Then the gentleman in the dressing-gown was heartily greeted on all +sides. He seemed to be a very popular personage. + +"But where do I come in?" asked Mr. BROWN, the ex-Bridegroom, who had, +during this scene, shown signs of embarrassment. + +"O JOEY, I quite forgot to introduce you to HARRY," said the ex-Bride. +"You must know one another. I was going to marry him when you, +darling, turned up just in the nick of time, like a dear good old +boy!" + +"Delighted to make your acquaintance, Sir," said Mr. JONES, shaking +Mr. BROWN warmly by the hand. "And now I must go back to finish my +breakfast!" + +"Yes, with me," said the ex-Bride. "You must sit, darling, in the seat +intended for poor HARRY. I know you won't mind, HARRY (or, perhaps, I +ought to call you Mr. BROWN now?), as I have _so_ much to say to dear +JOEY. And you can have your breakfast at a side-table--now won't you, +just to please me? You always are _so_ kind and considerate!" + +And, as the wedding-party left the Church, the Clerk hastily +unswitched the electric communication. + +"Be quiet, Sir!" he whispered, sternly, to Mr. BROWN, who had been +talking to himself. "If our clients heard you, we should be ruined! We +guarantee that our telephonic supply shall be perfectly free from bad +language!" + + * * * * * + +PROPHET AND LOSS.--Good Mussulmen, so it is said, object to a play +entitled _Mahomet_ being produced in London. The objection was +successful in Paris. London Managers (except, perhaps, Sheriff +DRURIOLANUS, who revived _Le Prophete_ this season) will be on the +side of the objectors, as they would rather have to do with a genuine +profit than a fictitious one. Perhaps the non-production of _Mahomet_ +may be a loss to Literature and the Drama. + + * * * * * + +A BACHELOR'S IDYL. + + I am not married, but I see + No life so pleasant as my own; + I think it's good for man to be + Alone. + + Some marry not who once have been-- + A curious process--crossed in love, + Who find a life's experience in + A glove; + + Or else will sentimental grow + At recollections of a dance; + But, luckily for me, I've no + Romance. + + Of course I know "love in a cot,"-- + The little wife who calls you "hub,"-- + But I'm content whilst I have got + My Club. + + In some fine way, I don't know how, + Some fool, some idiot, who lacks + A grain of sense, proposes now + A tax. + + A Tax on Bachelors! Ah, well, + If this becomes the law's decree, + I cheerfully shall pay the _L._ + _S.D._, + + Quite happy with my single lot, + Convinced beyond a doubt that life + Is just worth living it you've not + A wife. + + (A LITTLE LATER.) + + [Illustration] + + I'll sing exaltedly no more, + But sadly in a minor key + Will tell what fortune had in store + For me. + + I rather think, the other day, + That someone asked, "Should women woo?" + I'll answer that without delay-- + They do! + + She came--I foolishly was glad-- + She took me captive with a glance, + Of course I never really had + A chance. + + And when she bent her pretty head + To ask the question, I confess + That what at once with joy I said + Was "Yes." + + She says our wedding is to be + On Monday--quite a swell affair. + My wife and I shall hope to see + You there. + + * * * * * + +"IS THIS THE HEND?" + +The following, headed _Scottish Leader_, was sent to us as a +quotation:-- + + "The Duke of FIFE has sold the estate of Eden, near Banff, + to Mr. THOMAS ADAM, Deputy Chairman of the Great North of + Scotland Railway Company." + +If the above information be correct, this transfer of "Eden" to "ADAM" +looks uncommonly like "Paradise Regained." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Learned Baron.] + +The Baron must say a word about _Voces Populi_, by F. ANSTEY, author +of the immortal _Vice Versâ_. That the series contained in this +volume appeared in _Mr. Punch's_ pages is sufficient guarantee for +the excellence of its quality, and more than this it would not become +the Baron to say; but of the illustrations by J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE +the Baron can speak--and speak in terms of the highest admiration +of them--as works of genuinely artistic humour. There are twenty +illustrations, that is, ten brace of Partridges, if he will allow the +Baron so far to make game of him. The book is published by LONGMANS, +GREEN & Co. + +The Leadenhall Press has brought out, in Pocket form, _Prince Dorus_, +by CHARLES LAMB, with nine coloured illustrations, following the +original Edition of 1811. The lines are not very Lamb-like, but the +illustrations are very quaint, and the Pocket Volume is a curiosity of +literature. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +A REALLY VALUABLE SUGGESTION. + +(_TO THE EDITOR OF PUNCH._) + +DEAR SIR,--As the conductor of the recognised organ of the legal +profession, I have the honour to address you. My learned and +accomplished friend. Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C., complained the other +day that there was a right of appeal from the Police Court to the +Bench of Middlesex Magistrates. He said that his colleagues were +barristers and gentlemen of considerable eminence, and in those +characters were better able to decide upon the merits of a case +than the persons who compose the Tribunal to which appeal from their +decision is permissible. I have not recently looked through the list +of Metropolitan Police Magistrates, but, if they have been chosen from +the ranks of literature and law, as they were thirty years ago, I can +well understand that they are an exceedingly capable body of men. +That so accomplished a _littérateur_ and admirable an advocate as my +friend Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS himself should have been raised to the +Magisterial bench, is a proof that the standard has been maintained. +But, Sir, can nothing be done for the other tribunal? + +Would it not be possible to appoint a certain proportion of +stipendiaries, with ample salaries, to that body? What is wanted are +men with a perfect knowledge of the law, and a large experience of +the adversities as well as the pleasures of life. If they occasionally +dabble in literature, so much the better. But, it may be said, where +are such men to be found? I answer, in very many places, and, to +encourage the authorities in their search, shall be most happy to +personally head the list. + +Yours, very faithfully, + +(_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. _Pump-handle Court, Oct. 4th, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +THE GROAN OF THE GUSHLESS. + +(_A SONG À LA SHENSTONE._) + + ["What is described as an Anti-Gush Society has, according + to a Pittsburg paper, been formed in New York, its object + being to check the growing tendency, especially noticeable + among young people of the period, to express themselves in + exaggerated language."] + +_Girl Member of the A.G.S. loq._:-- + + Ye maidens, so cheerful and gay, + Whose words ever fulsomely fall, + Oh, pity your friend, who to-day + Has become a Society's thrall. + Allow me to muse and to sigh, + Nor talk of the change that ye find; + None once was more happy than I; + But, alas! I've left Gushing behind! + + [Illustration] + + Now I know what it is to have strove[1] + With the tortures of verbal desire. + I must use measured terms, where I love, + And be moderate, when I admire. + No slang must my diction adorn, + I must never say "awfully swell." + Alas! I feel flat and forlorn, + I have bidden Girl-Gushing farewell! + + Since I put down my name in that book + I have never called bonnets "divine," + For our Sec. with a soul-shaking look, + Would be down on your friend with a fine. + So the milliners now I pass by; + Though dearly they pleased me of yore; + If a girl musn't gush, squirm, and sigh, + Even shopping becomes quite a bore. + + For "gorgeous" I languish in vain, + And I pine for a "love"--and a "dear." + Oh! why did I vow to be plain-- + In my speech? It sounds awfully queer! + Stop! "Awfully" is not allowed. + Though it _will_ slip out sometimes, I own. + Oh, I might as well sit in my shroud, + As use moderate language alone. + + To force us fair nymphs to forego + The hyperbole dear to our heart, + And the slang without which speech is "slow," + Is to make us a "people apart." + Oh, to say (without fines) "quite too-too!" + For dear "awfully jolly" I yearn. + I would "chuck" all my friends, sweet--save you-- + To the pathways of Gush to return. + + Eh? "_Chuck_" did I say? That is Slang! + And "_Sweet_?" That's decidedly Gush! + Oh, let the A.G.S. go hang! + My old love returns with a rush. + It is "gorgeous" once more to be free, + O'er a frock or a first night to glow. + Come to-morrow! Go shopping with me, + _Ownest own_--and we'll gush as we go! + +[Footnote 1: SHENSTONE, not _Mr. Punch_, is responsible for the +peccant participle.] + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN NELSON MOTTO.--At the Church Congress. Lord NELSON +expressed a strong desire for the union of Dissenters with Churchmen. +If his Lordship's reading of the old Nelsonian motto is "England +expects that every clergyman (Dissenter or Churchman) should do +somebody else's duty," then England will have to wait a considerable +time for the Utopian realisation of this pious wish. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., October 11, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12467 *** diff --git a/12467-h/12467-h.htm b/12467-h/12467-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e9f6153 --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/12467-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1907 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, October 11, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i14 {margin-left: 7em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12467 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 11, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page169" + id="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span> + + <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. XX.—THE DIVORCÉE.</h3> + + <p>The Court over which Sir JAMES HANNEN presides was + instituted for the purification of morals by the separation of + ill-assorted couples. Matrimonial errors, which had hitherto + stood upon the level of political grievances, capable of + redress only after the careful and unbiassed attention of + British legislators had been, at much expense both of time and + money, devoted to them, were henceforth to form the subject of + a special procedure in a division of the Courts of Law created + for the purpose, and honestly calculated to bring separation + and divorce within the reach even of the most modest incomes. + The tyrant man, as usual, favoured himself by the rules he laid + down for the playing of the game. For whereas infidelity on the + part of the wife is held to be, in itself, a sufficient cause + for pronouncing a decree in favour of the husband, a kind, + though constantly unfaithful husband, is protected from + divorce, and only punished by separation from the wife he has + wronged. It is necessary for a man to add either cruelty or + desertion to his other offence, in order that his wife may + obtain from the laws of her country the opportunity of marrying + someone else. But the wit of woman has proved equal to the + emergency. Nowhere, it may be safely stated, have more tales of + purely imaginative atrocity been listened to with greater + attention, or with more favourable results, than in the Divorce + Court. On an incautious handshake a sprained wrist and an arm + bruised into all the colours of the rainbow have been not + infrequently grafted. A British imprecation, and a banged door, + have often become floods of invective and a knock-down blow; + and a molehill of a pinch has, under favourable cultivation, + been developed into a mountain of ill-treatment, on the top of + which a victorious wife has in the end, triumphantly planted + the banner of freedom.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/169.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/169.png" + alt="The Divorcée." /></a> + </div> + + <p>Hence the Divorce Court, after some years of suspicion, has + gradually come to be looked upon as one of the sacred + institutions of the country. And, speaking generally, those who + make use of its facilities, however much certain of the more + strait-laced may frown, are considered by society at large to + have done a thing which is surprisingly right and often + enviable. The result at any rate is that the number of the + divorced increases year by year, and that a lady whose failings + have been established against her by a judicial decree, may be + quite sure of a hand of ardent sympathisers of both sexes, + amongst whom she can hold her head as high as her inclination + prompts her without exciting a larger number of spiteful + comments than are allotted to her immaculate and undecreed + sisters. She may not have been able to abide the question of + the Counsel who cross-examined her, but she is certainly free, + even in a wider sense than before. She may not, perhaps, stand + on so lofty a social pinnacle as the merely-separated lady + whose husband still lives, and to whose male friends the fact + that she in practically husbandless, and at the same time + disabled from marriage, gives a delightful sense both of zest + and security. On the other hand, the separated lady must be to + a certain extent circumspect, lest she should place a weapon + for further punishment in the hands of her husband. But to the + Divorcée all things apparently, are permitted.</p> + + <p>When she left the Court in which, to use her own words, "all + her budding hopes had been crushed by the triumph of + injustice," the beautiful Divorcée (for in order to be + truly typical the Divorcée is necessarily beautiful) + might have proceeded immediately to plant them afresh in the + old soil. The various gentlemen who had sustained their + reputation as men of honour by tampering on her behalf and on + their own, with the strict letter of the truth, naturally felt + that the boldness of their denials entitled them to her lasting + regard, and showed themselves ready to aid her with their + counsel. But, though she never ceased to protest her innocence + of all that had been laid to her charge and proved against her, + she was sufficiently sensible to give them to understand that + for a time, at least, her path in the world would be easier if + they ceased to accompany her. They accepted the sentence of + banishment with a good grace, knowing perfectly well that it + was not for long. The Divorcée then withdrew from the + flaming placards of the daily papers, on which she had figured + during the past week, and betook herself to the seclusion of + her bijou residence in the heart of the most fashionable + quarter. Here she pondered for a short time upon the doubtful + unkindness of fate which had deprived her of a husband whom she + despised, and of a home which his presence had made + insupportable. But she soon roused herself to face her new lack + of responsibility, and to enjoy it. At first, she moved + cautiously. There were numerous sympathisers who urged her to + defy the world, such as it is, and to show herself everywhere + entirely careless of what people might say. Such conduct might + possibly have been successful, but the Divorcée foresaw + a possible risk to her reputation, and abstained. She began, + therefore, by making her public appearances infrequent. In + company with the devoted widow, whose evidence had almost saved + her from an adverse verdict, she arranged placid tea-parties at + which the casual observer might have imagined that the rules of + social decorum were more strictly enforced than in the + household of an archbishop. Inquiry, however, might have + revealed the fact that a large proportion of the ladies present + at these gatherings had either shaken off the matrimonial + shackles, or proposed to do so, whether as plaintiffs or as + defendants, whenever a favourable opportunity presented itself. + The men, too, who were, after a time, admitted to these staid + feasts, were not altogether archiepiscopal, though they behaved + as they were dressed, quite irreproachably. To counter-balance + them to some extent, the Divorcée determined to secure + the presence and the countenance of a clergyman.</p> + + <p>After some search, she discovered one who was enthusiastic, + deficient in worldly knowledge, and susceptible. To him she + related her own private version of her wrongs, which she + seasoned with quite a pretty flow of tears. The amiable cleric + yielded without a struggle, and readily placed at her service + the protection of his white tie. Thus strengthened, she moved + forward a little further. She revisited theatres; she was heard + of at Clubs; she shone again at dinner-parties, and in a year + or so had organised for herself a social circle which entirely + satisfied her desires. Sometimes she even allowed herself to + dabble in good works. She was accused of having written a + religious poem for a serious Magazine; but all that was ever + proved against her was, that a remarkable series of articles on + <i>The Homes of the Poor</i> bore traces of a style that was + said to be hers. Evil tongues still whispered in corners, and + cynics were heard to scoff occasionally; but the larger world, + which abhors cynics, and only believes what is good, began to + smile upon her. She did not appear to value its + smiles,—but they were useful. Whenever London tired her, + she flitted to Paris, or to the Riviera, or even to Egypt or + Algiers. She subscribed to charities, and acted in Amateur + Theatricals. Finally, she married a gentleman who was believed + by his friends to be a poet, and who certainly qualified for + the title by the romance he had woven about her. With him she + lived for many years a poetic and untrammelled existence, and, + when she died, many dowagers sent wreaths as tokens of their + sorrow at the loss of an admirable woman.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>VERSES FOR A VIOLINIST.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The violin has now fairly taken its place as an + instrument for girls."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In old days of Art the painter much applause would + surely win,</p> + + <p>When he showed us Saint Cecilia playing on the + violin.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've no skill of brush and palette like those + unforgotten men;</p> + + <p>My Cecilia must content herself with an unworthy + pen.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fairy fingers flash before me as the bow sweeps o'er + each string;</p> + + <p>Like the organ's <i>vox humana</i>, Hark! the + instrument can sing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That <i>sonata</i> of TARTINI's in my ears will + linger long;</p> + + <p>It might be some <i>prima donna</i> scaling all the + heights of song.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Every string a different language speaks beneath her + skilful sway.</p> + + <p>Does the shade of PAGANINI hover over her + to-day?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All can feel the passion throbbing through the music + fraught with pain:</p> + + <p>Then, with feminine mutation, comes a soft and + tender strain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Gracious curve of neck, and fiddle tucked 'neath + that entrancing chin—</p> + + <p>Fain with you would I change places, O thrice happy + violin!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page170" + id="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE TOURNEY.</h2>["Golf is superseding + Lawn-Tennis."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.]<a href="images/170.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/170.png" + alt="The Tourney." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Champions are mounted, a wonderful pair,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the boldest who sees them must e'en + hold his breath.</p> + + <p>Their breastplates and greaves glitter bright in the + air;</p> + + <p class="i2">They have sworn ere they met they would + fight to the death.</p> + + <p>And the heart of the Queen of the Tournament + sinks</p> + + <p>At the might of Sir GOLF, the Red Knight of the + Links.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But her Champion, Sir TENNIS, the Knight of the + Lawn,</p> + + <p class="i2">At the throne of the lady who loves him + bows low:</p> + + <p>He fears not the fight, for his racket is drawn,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he spurs his great steed as he + charges the foe.</p> + + <p>And the sound of his war-cry is heard in the + din,</p> + + <p>"Fifteen, thirty, forty, deuce, vantage, I win!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the Red Knight, Sir GOLF, smiles a smile that is + grim,</p> + + <p class="i2">And a flash as of triumph has mantled his + cheek;</p> + + <p>And he shouts, "I would scorn to be vanquished by + <i>him</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">With my driver, my iron, my niblick and + cleek.</p> + + <p>Now, TENNIS, I have thee; I charge from the Tee,</p> + + <p>To the deuce with thy racket, thy scoring, and + thee!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the ladies all cry, "Oh, Sir TENNIS, our + own,</p> + + <p class="i2">Drive him back whence he came to his + bunkers and gorse."</p> + + <p>And the men shake their heads, for Sir TENNIS seems + blown,</p> + + <p class="i2">There are cracks in his armour, and + wounds on his horse.</p> + + <p>But the Umpire, Sir PUNCH, as he watches says, + "Pooh!</p> + + <p>Let them fight and be friends; <i>there is room for + the two</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page171" + id="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span> + + <h2>A LAMB-LIKE GAMBOL.</h2> + + <p>Some little time ago we noticed with great satisfaction, + that the Committee of the Sunday School Union had advertised in + the <i>Athenæum</i> for the "best Tale on Gambling," for + which they were anxious to pay One Hundred Pounds sterling. The + principal "condition" that the C.S.S.U. attached to their + competition was that "the tale must be drawn as far as possible + from actual life, and must vividly depict the evils of + gambling, setting forth its ruinous effects sociably and + morally on the young people of our land." Perhaps the following + short story may serve as a model to the candidates. This + romance must be considered "outside the competition." Here it + is.</p> + + <h3>PLEASANT POVERTY BETTER THAN WICKED WEALTH!</h3> + + <p>PETER was a good boy. He went to Sunday school regularly, + and always took off his hat to his superiors—he so + objected to gambling that he never called them "betters." One + day PETER found a sovereign, and fearing, lest it might be a + gilded jubilee shilling, decided to spend it upon himself, + rather than run the risk of possibly causing the Police to put + it in circulation, under the impression that it was a coin of + the higher value. He spent ten shillings on a ticket to + Boulogne-sur-Mer, and with the remaining half-sovereign played + at <i>Chemin de Fer</i> at the Casino. And, alas! this was his + first straying from the path of virtue. Unfortunately he was + most unlucky (from a moral point of view) in his venture, + leaving the tables with a sum exceeding forty pounds. Feeling + reluctant that money so ill-gained should remain for very long + in his possession, he spent a large slice of it in securing a + ticket for Monte Carlo.</p> + + <p>Arrived at this dreadful place he backed Zero fifteen times + running, was unhappy enough to break the bank, and retired to + rest with over ten thousand pounds. He now decided, that he had + best return to England, where he felt sure he would be safe + from further temptation.</p> + + <p>When he was once more in London, he could not make up his + mind whether he should contribute his greatly scorned fortune + to the Committee of the Sunday School Union, or plank his last + dollar on a rank outsider for a place in the Derby. From a + feeling of delicacy, he adopted the latter course, and was + indescribably shocked to pull off his fancy at Epsom. Thinking + that the Committee of the same useful body would refuse to + receive money obtained under such painful circumstances, he + plunged deeply on the Stock Exchange, and again added + considerably to his much-hated store. It was at this period in + his history that he married, and then the punishment he had so + justly merited overtook him. His wife was a pushing young + woman, whose great delight was to see her name in the Society + papers. This pleasure she managed to secure by taking a large + house, and giving costly entertainments to all sorts and + conditions of individuals. Poor PETER soon found this mode of + life intolerably wearisome. He now never knew an hour's peace, + until one day he determined to run away from home, leaving in + the hands of his wife all that he possessed. His absence made + no perceptible difference in Mrs. PETER's <i>ménage</i>. + It was generally supposed that he was living abroad. However, + on one winter night there was a large gathering at his wife's + house, and, it being very cold, the guests eagerly availed + themselves of the services of the linkman, who had told himself + off to fetch their carriages.</p> + + <p>And, when everyone was gone, the poor linkman asked the + mistress of the house for some broken victuals.</p> + + <p>"Good gracious!" exclaimed that Lady, "if it isn't my + husband! What do you mean, PETER, by so disgracing me?"</p> + + <p>"Disgrace you!—not I!" returned PETER. "No one + recognises me. Of all the guests that throng my house, and eat + my suppers, I don't believe there is a solitary individual who + knows me by sight."</p> + + <p>And PETER was right. Ah, how much better would it have been + had PETER remained at school, and not found that sovereign! Had + he remained at school, he would some day have acquired a mass + of information that would have been of immense assistance to + him when his father died, and he succeeded to the paternal + broom, and the right of sweep over the family + street-crossing!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/171.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/171.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>TOO MUCH GENIUS.</h3> + + <p><i>Poet</i>. "OH—A—I ALWAYS WRITE MY POEMS + RIGHT OFF, WITHOUT ANY CORRECTIONS, YOU KNOW, AND SEND THEM + STRAIGHT TO THE PRINTER. I NEVER LOOK AT 'EM A SECOND + TIME."</p> + + <p><i>Critic</i>. "NO MORE DO YOUR READERS, MY BOY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + + <p>OSTRICH "FARMING."—We are afraid we cannot give you + any sound or useful information to assist you in your project + of keeping an ostrich-farm in a retired street in Bayswater; + but that you should have already received a consignment of + fifty "fine, full-grown birds," and managed, with the aid of + five railway porters, and all the local police available, to + get them from the van in which they arrived up two flights of + stairs, and locate them temporarily in your back drawing-room, + augurs at least for a good start to your undertaking. That + three should have escaped, and, after severely kicking the + Vicar, who happened to be dining with you, terrified the whole + neighbourhood, and effected an entrance into an adjacent + public-house, where they appear to have done a good deal of + damage to the glass and crockery, upsetting a ten-gallon cask + of gin, and frightening the barmaid into a fit of hysterics, + being only finally captured by the device of getting a + coal-sack over their heads, was, after all, but a slight + <i>contretemps</i>, and not one to be taken into account when + measured against the grand fact that you have got <i>all your + birds safely lodged for the night</i>. A little arnica, and a + fortnight in bed, will, in all probability, set the Vicar all + right. With regard to their food, we should advise you to + continue the tinned lobster and muffins, which they seem to + relish. You appear to be alarmed at their swallowing the tins. + There is no occasion for any anxiety on this point, the tin, + doubtless, serving as the proverbial "digestive" pebble with + which all birds, we believe, accompany a hearty meal. We fear + we cannot enlighten you as to how you make your profits out of + an ostrich-farm; but, speaking at random, we should say they + would probably arise by pulling the feathers out of the tails + of the birds and selling them to Court Milliners. Your idea of + trying them in harness in a Hansom seems to have something in + it. Turn it over, by all means. Meantime, get a Shilling + Handbook on the Management of the Ostrich. We think you will + have to cover in your garden with a tarpaulin as you suggest. + You cannot expect the fifty birds to stay for ever in your back + drawing-room; and the fact that you mention, of their having + already kicked down and eaten one folding-door, is significant. + They will be escaping from your balcony all over the + neighbourhood if you do not take care to secure them; and as + they seem fresh, very aggressive, and strong in the leg, such a + catastrophe might lead you into a good deal of unpleasantness. + Take our advice, and get them downstairs, tight under a stout + tarpaulin, as soon as possible.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page172" + id="page172"></a>[pg 172]</span> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Handbook to Honesty.</i></h4> + + <h3>No. I.—"I'M MONARCH OF ALL I <i>SURVEY</i>!"</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Interior of newly-erected building. + Present, the</i> Builder <i>and a</i> Surveyor, <i>the + former looking timidly foxy, the latter knowingly pompous, + and floridly self-important;</i> Builder, <i>in dusty suit + of dittoes, carries one hand in his breeches-pocket, where + he chinks certain metallic substances—which may be + coins or keys—nervously and intermittently</i>. + Surveyor, <i>a burly mass of broadcloth and big + watch-chain, carries an intimidating note-book, and a + menacing pencil, making mems. in a staccato and stabbing + fashion, which is singularly nerve-shaking.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>speaking with his pencil in his + mouth</i>). Well, Mister—er—er—WOTSERNAME, + I—er—think—'m, 'm, 'm—things seem to be + <i>pretty</i> right as far's I can see; though of + course—</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>hastily</i>). Oh, I assure you I've taken + the <i>greatest</i> pains to conform to—er—rules + in—er—in <i>every</i> way; though if there + <i>should</i> be any little thing that ketches your eye, why, + you've only to—</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/172.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/172.png" + alt="Builder and Surveyor." /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i>. Oh, of course, of course! <i>We</i> know + all about that. You see <i>I</i> can only go by rule. What's + right's right; what's wrong's wrong; that's about the size of + it. <i>I've</i> nothing to do with it, one way or another, + except to see the law carried out.</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i>. Ex-ack-ly! However, if you've seen all you + want to, we may as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," + and—</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>suddenly</i>). By the way, I suppose + this wall is properly underpinned?</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>nervously</i>). Well—er—not + exackly—but, 'er, 'er—well, the fact is I + thought—</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>sternly</i>). What you <i>thought</i>, + Sir, doesn't affect the matter. The question is, what the + Building Act <i>says</i>. The whole thing must come down!</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i>. But, I say, that'll run me into ten pounds, + at least, and really the thing's as safe as—</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i>. Maybe, maybe—in fact, I don't say it + isn't. But the Act says it's got to be done.</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i>. Well, well, if there's no help for it, I + must <i>do</i> it, of course.</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>looking somehow disappointed</i>). Very + sorry, of course, but you see what must be must.</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>sadly</i>). Yes, yes, no doubt. Well + (<i>brightening</i>), anyhow, we may as well step over to the + "Crown and Thistle," and crack a bottle of champagne.</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>also brightening</i>). Well, ours is a + dusty job, and I don't care if I do.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They do so</i>. Surveyor <i>drinks his full share of + Heidsieck, and smokes a cigar of full size and flavour. He + and</i> Builder <i>exchange reminiscences concerning past + professional experiences, the "tricks of trade," diverse + devices for "dodging the Act," &c., &c.</i> + Surveyor <i>explains how stubborn builders ("not like</i> + you, <i>you know"), who don't do the thing handsome, often + suffer by having to run themselves to expenses that might + have been avoided—and serve 'em right too! Also, how + others, without a temper above "tips," and of a generally + gentlemanly tone of mind, save themselves lots of little + extras, which, maybe, the letter of the law would exact, + but which a</i> Surveyor <i>of sense and good feeling can + get over, "and no harm done, neither, to nobody." As the + wine circulates, it is noticeable that good-fellowship + grows almost boisterous, and facetiousness mellows into + chuckling cynicism of the winking, waggish, "we all do it" + sort.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>tossing off last glass, and smacking his + lips</i>). Well, well, the best of friends must part, and I + guess I must be toddling. Very glad to have met you, I'm sure, + and a better bit of building than yours yonder I haven't seen + for some time. Seems a pity, hanged if it don't, that you + should have to put yourself to such an additional + outlay—ah, by the way, <i>what</i> did you say it would + cost you?</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i>. Oh, about ten pounds, I suppose.</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>lighting another cigar</i>). Humph! + (<i>Puff' puff!</i>) Pity—pity! (<i>Puff! puff!</i>) Now + look here, my boy—(<i>confidentially</i>)—suppose + you and me just divide that tenner between us, five to you, and + five to me; and, as to the "underpinning"—well, nobody'll + be a bit the wiser, and the building won't be a halfpenny the + worse, <i>I'll</i> bet my boots. Come, is it a bargain?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>After a little beating about the bush, the little + "job" is arranged amicably, on the practical basis of "a + fiver each, and mum's the word on both sides," thus evading + the law, saving the</i> Builder <i>a few pounds, and + supplementing the salary of the</i> Surveyor. <i>Ulterior + results, unsanitary or otherwise, do not come within the + compass of this sketch.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>STRANGER THAN FICTION!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Postmarks—Leeds, Hull, and Elsewhere.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Mr. Punch was assisting at a Congress. The large room in + which that Congress was being held was crowded, and + consequently the heat was oppressive. The speeches, too, were + not particularly interesting, and the Sage became drowsy. It + was fortunate, therefore, that a fair maiden in a classical + garb (who suddenly appeared seated beside him) should have + addressed him. The interruption reassembled in their proper + home his wandering senses.</p> + + <p>"I fear, <i>Mr. Punch</i>," said the fair maiden, looking at + herself in a small mirror which she was holding in her right + hand, "that you are inclined to go to sleep."</p> + + <p>"Well, I am," replied the Sage, with unaccountable + bluntness; "truth to tell, these orations about nothing in + particular, spouted by persons with an imperfect knowledge of, + I should say, almost any subject, bore me."</p> + + <p>"The information is unnecessary," observed the young lady; + with a smile. "I share your feelings. But if you will be so + kind as to pay a little attention to the speakers while they + are under my influence, I think you will discover a new + interest in their utterances."</p> + + <p>"Are you an hypnotist, Madam?" asked <i>Mr. Punch</i>.</p> + + <p>"Well, not exactly. But, when I have the chance, I can make + people speak the Truth."</p> + + <p>Then <i>Mr. Punch</i> listened, and was surprised at the + strange things that next happened.</p> + + <p>"I wish to be perfectly frank with you," said a gentleman on + the platform; "I am here because I wish to see my name in the + papers, and all the observations I have made up to date have + been addressed to the reporters. I am glad I can control my + thoughts, because I would not for worlds let you know the + truth. It is my ambition to figure as a philanthropist, and on + my word, I think this is the cheapest and most effective mode + of carrying out my intention."</p> + + <p>Then the gentleman resumed his seat with a smile that + suggested that he was under the impression that he had just + delivered himself of sentiments bound to extort universal + admiration.</p> + + <p>"That is not exactly my case," observed a second speaker, + "because I do not care two pins for anything save the + entertainments which are invariably associated with scientific + research, or philanthropical inquiry. I pay my guinea, after + considerable delay, and then expect to take out five times that + amount in grudgingly bestowed, but competitionally provoked (if + I may be pardoned the expression) hospitality. I attend a + portion—a small portion—of a lecture, and then + hurry off to the nearest free luncheon, or gratuitous dinner, + in the neighbourhood. I should be a tax upon my friends if I + dropped in at half-past one, or at a quarter to eight, + punctually, and my motives would be too wisely interpreted to a + desire on my part to reduce the sum total of my butcher's book. + So I merely drop in upon a place where a Congress is being + held, and make the most of my membership."</p> + + <p>"These startling statements are decidedly unconventional," + said <i>Mr. Punch</i>, turning towards his fair companion, "and + that your influence should cause them to be made, astounds me. + I trust you will not consider me indiscreet if I ask + for—"</p> + + <p>"My name and address," returned the fair maiden, smilingly, + completing the sentence; "Learn, then, that I live at the + bottom of a well, to which rather damp resting-place I am about + to return; and that in England I am called Truth."</p> + + <p>And as the lady disappeared, <i>Mr. Punch</i> fell from his + chair, and awoke!</p> + + <p>"Dear me, I have been dreaming!" exclaimed the Sage, as he + left the meeting. "Well, as everyone knows, dreams are not in + the least like reality! But the strangest thing of all was to + find Truth in a Congress!"</p> + + <p>And it was strange, indeed.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page173" + id="page173"></a>[pg 173]</span> + + <h2>AT THE THEATRE!</h2> + + <h4><i>The Lyceum again. The Haymarket once more.</i></h4> + + <p>"Great Scott!" we exclaim,—not Critical CLEMENT of + that ilk, but Sir WALTER,—on again seeing + <i>Ravenswood</i>. Since then an alteration in the <i>modus + shootendi</i> has been made, and <i>Edgar</i> no longer takes a + pot-shot at the bull from the window, but, ascertaining from + <i>Sir William Ashton Bishop</i> that <i>Ellen Lucy Terry</i> + is being Terryfied by an Irish bull which has got mixed up with + the Scotch "herd without," <i>Henry Edgar Irving</i> rushes + off, gun in hand; then the report of the gun is, like the + Scotch oxen, also "<i>heard</i> without," and <i>Henry</i> + reappears on the scene, having saved <i>Ellen Lucy Ashton</i> + by reducing the fierce bull to potted beef.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/173.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/173.png" + alt="Mr. Punch at the Theatre." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"What shall he have who kills the bull?" "The Dear! the + Dear!" meaning, of course, <i>Ellen Lucy Ashton</i> aforesaid. + After this all goes well. Acting excellent all round—or + nearly all round, the one exception being, however, the very + much "all-round" representative of <i>Lady Ashton</i>, whose + misfortune it is to have been selected for this particular + part. Scenery lovely, and again and again must HAWES MCCHAVEN + be congratulated on the beautiful scene of The Mermaiden's Well + (never better, in fact), Act III. The love-making bit in this + Act is charming, and the classic Sibyl, <i>Ailsie</i>, superb. + Nothing in stage effect within our memory has equalled the + pathos of the final <i>tableau</i>. It is most touching through + its extreme simplicity.</p> + + <p>The Haymarket has re-opened with the odd mixture of the + excellent French <i>Abbé Constantin</i> and the weak, + muddle-headed, Tree-and-Grundy-ised "village Priest," known as + the <i>Abbé Dubois</i>, or "<i>Abbé Do Bore</i>," + as 'ARRY might call him. Changes are in contemplation, and may + have been already announced. Whatever they may be, it is some + consolation to learn that this Tree-and-Grundy-ised French + Abbé is not likely to be a "perpetual Curate."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. II.—BURRA MURRA BOKO.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By</i> KIPPIERD HERRING, <i>Author of "Soldiers' Tea," + "Over the Darodees," "Handsome Heads on the Valets," "More + Black than White," "Experimental Dittos," &c., + &c.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[NOTE.—The MS. of this story arrived from India by + pneumatic despatch, a few puffs having been apparently + sufficient. In a letter which was enclosed with it the + author modestly apologises for its innumerable merits. + "But," he adds, "I have several hundred of the same sort in + stock, and can supply them at a moment's notice. Kindly + send £1000 in Bank of England notes, by registered + letter, to K. HERRING. No farther address will be + required."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Polla dan anta cat anta.</i> What will you have, Sahib? + My heart is made fat, and my eyes run with the water of joy. + <i>Kni vestog rind. Scis sorstog rind</i>, the Sahib is as a + brother to the needy, and the afflicted at the sound of his + voice become as a warming-pan in a <i>fôr postah</i>. + Ahoo! Ahoo! I have lied unto the Sahib. <i>Mi ais an dlims</i>, + I am a servant of sin. <i>Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra + Boko!</i></p> + + <p>There came a sound in the night as of an elephant-herd + trumpeting in anger, and my liver was dissolved, and the heart + within me became as a <i>Patoph But'ah</i> under the noon-day + sun. I made haste, for there was fear in the air, Sahib, and + the <i>Pleez Mahn</i> that walketh by night was upon me. But, + oh, Sahib, the cunning of the serpent was with me, and as he + passed I tripped him up, and the raging river received him. + Twice he rose, and the gleam of his eyes spake in vain for + help. And at last there came a bubble where the man had been, + and he was seen no more. <i>Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra + Boko!</i></p> + + <p>That night I spake unto her as she stood in the moonlight. + "Oh, sister of an oil-jar, and daughter of pig-troughs, what is + it thou hast done?" And she, laughing, spake naught in reply, + but gave me the <i>Tcheke Slahp</i> of her tribe, and her + fingers fell upon my face, and my teeth rattled within my + mouth. But I, for my blood was made hot within me, sped swiftly + from her, making no halt, and the noise of fifty thousand + devils was in my ears, and the rage of the <i>Smâk + duns</i> burnt fierce within the breast of me, and my tongue + was as a fresh fig that grows upon a southern wall. + <i>Auggrh!</i> pass me the peg, for my mouth is dry. <i>Burra + Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!</i> Then came the Yunkum Sahib, + and the Bunkum Sahib, and they spake awhile together. But I, + like unto a <i>Brerra-bit</i>, lay low, and my breath came + softly, and they knew not that I watched them as they spake. + And they joked much together, and told each to the other how + that the wives of their friends were to them as mice in the + sight of the crouching <i>Tabbikat</i>, and that the honour of + a man was as sand, that is blown afar by the storm-wind of the + desert, which maketh blind the faithful, and stoppeth their + mouths. Such are all of them, Sahib, since I that speak unto + you know them for what they are, and thus I set forth the tale + that all men may read, and understand. <i>Burra Murra Boko! + Burra Murra Boko!</i></p> + + <p>'"Twas the most ondacint bedivilmint ever I set eyes on, + Sorr. There was I, blandandhering widout"—</p> + + <p>"Pardon me," I said, "this is rather puzzling. A moment back + you were a Mahajun of Puli, in Marwur, or a Delhi Pathan, or a + Wali Dad, or something of that sort, and now you seem to have + turned into an Irishman. Can you tell me how it is done?"</p> + + <p>"Whist, ye oncivilised, backslidhering pagin!" said my + friend, Private O'RAMMIS, for it was indeed he. "Hould on there + till I've tould ye. Fwhat was I sayin'? Eyah, eyah, them was + the bhoys for the dhrink. When the sun kem out wid a blink in + his oi, an' the belly-band av his new shoot tied round him, + there was PORTERS and ATHUS lyin' mixed up wid the brandy-kegs, + and the houl of the rigimint tearin' round like all the divils + from hell bruk loose.</p> + + <p>"Thin I knew there'd be thrubble, for ye must know, Sorr, + there was a little orf'cer bhoy cryin' as tho' his little heart + was breakin', an' the Colonel's wife's sister, wid her + minowderin' voice—"</p> + + <p>"Look here, O'RAMMIS," I said, "I don't like to stop you; + but isn't it just a trifle rash—I mean," I added hastily, + for I saw him fingering his bayonet, "is it quite as wise as it + might be to use up all your materials at once? Besides, I seem + to have met that little Orf'cer bhoy and the Colonel's wife's + sister before. I merely mention it as a friend."</p> + + <p>"You let 'im go, Sir," put in PORTERS, with his cockney + accent. "Lor, Sir, TERENCE knows bloomin' well wot 'e's torkin' + about, an' wen 'e's got a story to tell you know there ain't + one o' us wot'll get a bloomin' word in; or leastways, Hi + carn't."</p> + + <p>"Sitha," added JOCK ATHUS. "I never gotten but one story + told mysen, and he joomped down my throaat for that. Let un + taalk, Sir, let un taalk."</p> + + <p>"Very well," I said, producing one of the half-dozen bottles + of champagne that I always carried in my coat-tail pockets + whenever I went up to the Barracks to visit my friend O'RAMMIS, + "very well. Fire away, TERENCE, and let us have your + story."</p> + + <p>"I'm an ould fool," continued O'RAMMIS, in a convinced tone. + "But ye know, JOCK, how 'twas. I misremember fwhat I said to + her, but she never stirred, and only luked at me wid her + melancolious ois, and wid that my arm was round her waist, for + bedad, it was pretty, she was under the moon in the ould + barrick square. 'Hould on there,' she says, 'ye boiled thief of + Deuteronomy. D'ye think I've kem here to be philandhering + afther you. I'd make a better man than you out av empty + kyartridges and putty.' Wid that she turned on her heel, and + was for marching away. But I was at her soide agin before she'd + got her left fut on the beat. 'That's quare,' thinks I to + myself; 'but, TERENCE, me bhoy, 'tis you know the thricks av + the women. Shoulder arrums,' I thinks, 'and let fly wid the + back sight.' Wid that I just squeezed her hand wid the most + dellikit av all squeezings, and, sez I, 'MARY, me darlint,' I + sez, 'ye're not vexed wid TERENCE, I know;' but you never can + tell the way av a woman, for before the words was over the + tongue av me, the bhoys kem raging an' ramshackling—"</p> + + <p>"Really, O'RAMMIS," I ventured to observe, for I noticed + that he and his two friends had pulled all the other five + bottles out of my pocket, and had finished them, "I'm a little + disappointed with you to-day. I came out here for a little + quiet blood-and-thunder before going to bed, and you are mixing + up your stories like the regimental laundress's soapsuds. It's + not right of you. Now, honestly, is it?"</p> + + <p>But the Three Musketeers had vanished. Perhaps they may + reappear, bound in blue-grey on the railway bookstalls. Perhaps + not. And the worst of it is, that the Colonel will never + understand them, and the gentlemen who write articles will + never understand them. There is only one man who knows all + about them, and even he is sometimes what my friend O'RAMMIS + calls "a blandandhering, philandhering, misundherstandhering + civilian man."</p> + + <p>Which his name is KIPPIERD HERRING. And that is perfectly + true.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SO MUCH FOR KNOTTING'EM.—The Dean of Rochester to be + henceforth known as The Dean of Knotting'em. His new + motto,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Whack a 'Shack'</p> + + <p>Smack on his back."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Perhaps the Dean would then like to make a Moslem of the + lolloping do-nothing offender, and call him "Shackaback."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page174" + id="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/174.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/174.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>WAITING FOR THE EXPRESS. (NOUS AVONS CHANGÉ TOUT + CELA.)</h3> + + <p>FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERS:—SIR GORGIUS MIDAS, LADY + MIDAS, AND GORGIUS MIDAS, ESQ., JUNR.</p> + + <p>SECOND-CLASS DITTO:—BUTLERS, FOOTMEN, GROOMS, + MAIDS, &C, OF THE HOUSE OF MIDAS.</p> + + <p>THIRD-CLASS DITTO:—THE HON. AND REV. JAMES AND + LADY SUSAN DE VERE, GENERAL SIR JOHN AND LADY HAUTCASTLE, + F. MADDER LAKE, ESQ., R.A., AND DAUGHTERS, PROFESSOR + PARALLAX, F.R.S., &C., &C., &C.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS;"</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, "Approaching" the Hydra.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The London County Council adopted the Report of a + Committee: "That the Committee be authorised to enter into + tentative negotiations with the Water Companies, for the + purpose of ascertaining upon what terms the Companies will + be prepared to dispose of their undertakings to the + Council." The Vice-Chairman (Sir T. FARRER) thought that + the Committee "would be as wax in the hands of the clever + agents of the Companies." The Chairman (Sir JOHN LUBBOCK) + was in favour of deferring the question.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That Hydra again! Monster huge, hydro-cephalous,</p> + + <p class="i2">Haunting our city of blunders and + jobs,</p> + + <p>Born, it would seem, to bewilder and baffle us,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Who</i>'ll give you "one" for your + numerous nobs.</p> + + <p>Many have menaced you, some had a shy at you;</p> + + <p class="i2">SALISBURY stout, and bespectacled + CROSS,</p> + + <p>Each in his season has joined in the cry at you,</p> + + <p class="i2">Little, 'twould seem, to your damage or + loss.</p> + + <p>Still you eight-headed and lanky-limbed monster, + you</p> + + <p class="i2">Sprawl and monopolise, spread and + devour.</p> + + <p>Many assail you, but hitherto, none stir you.</p> + + <p class="i2">Say, <i>has</i> the hero arrived, and the + hour?</p> + + <p>No Infant Hercules, surely, can tackle you,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ancient abortion, with hope of + success.</p> + + <p>It needeth a true full-grown hero to shackle + you,</p> + + <p class="i2">Jupiter's son, and Alcmene's, no + less!</p> + + <p>Our civic Hercules smacks of the nursery,</p> + + <p class="i2">Not three years old, though ambitious, no + doubt;</p> + + <p><i>You</i>'ll scarce be captured by tentatives + cursory.</p> + + <p class="i2">Snared by a "motion," or scared by a + "spout,"</p> + + <p>Hera's pet, offspring of Typhon, the lion-clad</p> + + <p class="i2">Hero assailed, <i>con amore</i>; but + <i>you</i>,</p> + + <p>Callous as Behemoth, hard as an iron-clad,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Conciliation" with coldness will + view</p> + + <p>Fancy "approaching" the Hydra with honey-bait,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tempting the monster to parley and + purr!</p> + + <p>How will Monopoly look on a money-bait?</p> + + <p class="i2">Hercules, too, who would "like to + defer?"</p> + + <p>Not quite a true hard-shell hero—in + attitude—</p> + + <p class="i2">Hercules (County) Concilians looks;</p> + + <p>Thinks he to move a true Hydra to gratitude?</p> + + <p class="i2">Real Leviathan chortles at hooks!</p> + + <p>"Come, pretty Hydra! 'Agreement provisional,'</p> + + <p class="i2">Properly baited with sound + <i>L.S.D.</i>,</p> + + <p>Ought to entice you!" He's scorn and derision + all,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hydra, if true to his breed. We shall + see!</p> + + <p>Just so a groom, with the bridle behind him,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tempts a free horse with some corn in a + sieve.</p> + + <p>Will London's Hydra let "tentatives" blind him,</p> + + <p class="i2">Snap at the bait, and the tempter + believe?</p> + + <p>Or will the "hero"—in form of + Committee—</p> + + <p class="i2">Really prove wax for the Hydra to + mould?</p> + + <p>Yes, there's the club, but it's rather a pity</p> + + <p class="i2">Hercules seems a bit feeble of hold.</p> + + <p>Tentative heroes may suit modern urgency,</p> + + <p class="i2">LUBBOCK may win where a Hercules + fails.</p> + + <p>If we now hunt, upon public emergency,</p> + + <p class="i2">Stymphalian Birds, 'tis with salt for + their tails!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"YE GODS, WHAT A TERRIBLE TWIST!"</h2> + + <p>Statistics are sweet things, and full of startling + surprises. Like the Frenchman in "<i>Killaloe</i>" "you never + know what they'll be up to next." Here, for instance, is a + "statement showing the decrease in price in the United States + of many articles within the past ten years <i>largely + consumed</i> by the agricultural community." And among these + "many articles" "largely consumed," are "mowing machines, barb + fence-wire, horseshoes, forks, wire-cloth, slop-buckets, + wheelbarrows, and putty." No wonder dyspepsia is the national + disease in America. Fancy "consuming" French staples, + pie-plates (though <i>they</i> sound almost edible), and + putty!!! The ostrich is supposed to be capable of digesting + such dainties as broken bottles, and tenpenny nails, but that + voracious fowl is evidently not "in it" with the "Agricultural + community" of America.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ODD.—A Correspondent says he found this advertisement + in the <i>Guardian</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>RECTOR of S. Michael's, Lichfield, requires help of a + LAY-READER. Visiting, S.-school, cottage services, ass. in + choir, &c. Good salary.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The explanation, we believe, is, that "ass." is the + abbreviated form of "assisting." The Rector had better have the + unabbreviated assistant in choir, particularly if he be already + short of choristers; unless the Rector should be also Vicar of + Bray, in which case the "ass." could be transferred from + Lichfield to the more appropriate living.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page175" + id="page175"></a>[pg 175]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/175.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/175.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS."</h3> + + <p>"The Special Committee on Water Supply, appointed by the + London County Council, said, in their Report, 'Before + entering upon the inquiry, the Committee thought it would + be desirable to approach the Water Companies with a view to + ascertaining whether it would be possible for the Companies + and the Council to make some provisional agreement as to + the terms upon which the Companies' Water undertakings + should be transferred to the Council, if Parliament gave + the necessary authority.'"—<i>The Times' + Report</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" + id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/177.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/177.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>MOSSOO IN EGYPT.</h3><i>Mr. Punch</i> (<i>to French + Guardian of Egyptian Monuments</i>). "COME, I SAY, SIR! DO + YOU CALL THIS LOOKING AFTER THE MONUMENTS? WAKE UP, OR + YOU'LL HAVE TO GO!"—<i>See "Times" Leader, Oct. 3rd, + 1890.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE.</h2> + + <h3>SEVENTH ENTRY.</h3> + + <p>To my intense surprise—shared, as far as I can see, by + all my friends and relatives—I have managed to pass the + "Bar Final"! I attribute the portentous fact to the Examiners + having discreetly avoided all reference to the "Rule in + SHELLEY's Case."</p> + + <p>Find that the Students who are going to be "called within + the Bar," have to be presented to the Benchers on one special + evening, after dinner, in Hall. Ceremony rather funereal, at + <i>my</i> Inn—but not the same at all Inns. About twenty + of us summoned one by one to the High Table; several go up + before me, and as there is a big screen I can't see what + happens to them. Only—most remarkable circumstance + this—<i>not one of them comes back</i>! Have the Benchers + decided to sternly limit the numbers of the Profession? Perhaps + they are "putting in an execution." Just thinking of escape, + when my name called out. March up to Table, determined not to + perish without a spirited resistance.</p> + + <p>To complete the idea of its being an Execution, here is the + Chaplain! Will he say a "few last words" to the + culprit—myself—prior to my being pinioned?</p> + + <p>As matter of fact, Bencher at head of Table (portly old + gentleman, who looks as if he might be described as a + "bottle-a-day-of-port-ly" old gentleman) shakes hands, coldly, + and that's all. Not even a Queen's Shilling given me, as I am + conducted off to another table close by.</p> + + <p>Mystery of disappearance of other candidates explained. Here + they are—all at this table—"all silent, and all + called"! It seems that this is the Barristers' part of the + Hall, other the Students'.</p> + + <p>Ceremony not over yet. After dinner we are invited, all + twenty, to dessert and wine with the Benchers—or rather, + at the Benchers' expense, because we don't really see and chat + with these great men, only a single representative, who + presides at table in a long bare room downstairs, resembling a + cellar. Benchers' own Common-room above. Why don't they invite + us up there? Bencher, who has come down to preside over this + entertainment, has a rather forbidding air about him. Seems to + be thinking—"I don't care much for this sort of function. + Stupid old custom. But must keep it up, I suppose, for good of + Inn; and Benchers (hang them!) have deputed <i>me</i> to take + head of the table to-night—probably because I look so + desperately lively."</p> + + <p>There <i>is</i> a sort of "disinterred liveliness" (to quote + Bishop WILBERFORCE) about him, after all. Tries to joke. No + doubt regards us all as a pack of fools to join over-crowded + profession—still, as we <i>are</i> here, he will try and + forget that, in a few years, the majority of us will probably + be starving.</p> + + <p>After an interval, Bored Bencher thinks it necessary to rise + and make little speech. Assures us + (<i>Query</i>—hyprocrisy?) that we are all extremely + likely to attain to high positions at the Bar. Says something + feebly humorous about Woolsack. Bad taste, because we can't + <i>all</i> sit on Woolsack at once; and mention of it excites + feelings of emulation, almost of animosity, towards other + new-fledged Barristers. I am conscious, for instance, of + distinct repulsion towards man on my right, who is cracking + nuts, and who must be a son or nephew of our Chairman, judging + by the familiarity with which he treats latter. Probably his + uncle will flood him with briefs—and that will be called + "making his own way in the world." Pshaw!</p> + + <p>Wine-and-dessert entertainment only lasts an hour. + Forbidding Bencher evidently feels that an hour is as much as + he can possibly stand. So we all depart, except the favoured + nephew (or son), who, as I suspect, "remains to prey" on his + uncle (or father), and probably to be invited in to the + <i>real</i> feast which no doubt the Inn worthies are enjoying + upstairs.</p> + + <p>Next morning meet a legal friend, who asks, "When are you to + be presented at Court?"</p> + + <p>"Presented at Court?"—I ask in surprise.</p> + + <p>"Yes—Court of Queen's Bench—ha! ha! You'll have + to go one of these days in wig and gown to the Q.B.D., and + inscribe your name in a big book, and bow to the Judges, and + come out."</p> + + <p>"What's the good of doing that?" I want to know.</p> + + <p>"None whatever. An old custom, that's all. A sort of legal + fiction, you know." (<i>Query</i>—If a Queen's Counsel + writes a novel, isn't <i>that</i> a real legal fiction?) + "You'll feel rather like a little boy going to a new school. + Judges look at you with an air of 'I say, you new feller, + what's your name? Where do you come from? What House are you + in?—then a good kick. They can't kick you, so they glare + at you instead. Interesting ceremony. Ta, ta!"</p> + + <p>It turns out as my friend says. But previously there is the + other little formality of purchasing the trailing garments of + the Profession. Go to a wig-and-gown-maker near the Law Courts. + Ask to see different kinds of wigs.</p> + + <p>"We only make one kind," replies the wig-man, pityingly. + "The Patent Ventilating Anticalvitium. You'll find it as light + as a feather, almost. Made of superfine 'orse-'air." He says + this as if he never got his material from anything below the + value of a Derby Winner.</p> + + <p>"Why do you call it the Anticalvitium?" I ask.</p> + + <p>"Because it don't make the 'air fall off, Sir, as all other + wigs do."</p> + + <p>Do they? Another objection to the profession. Wish I had + known this before I began to grind for the Bar Exam. Wig-man + measures my head.</p> + + <p>"Rather large size, Sir," he remarks. Says it as if I must + have water on the brain at the very least. "Middle Temple, I + suppose?"—he queries. Why? Somehow it would <i>sound</i> + more flattering if he had supposed Inner Temple, instead of + Middle. Wonder if I shall ever be described as an "Outer + barrister, of the Inner Temple, with Middling abilities." Is + there a special cut of face belonging to the Inner Temple, + another for the Middle (there <i>is</i> a "middle cut" in + salmon, why not in the law?) and a third for Lincoln's Inn?</p> + + <p>Find, while I am meditating these problems, that I have been + "suited" with a gown, also with a stock of ridiculous little + linen flaps, which are called "bands." Think about "forbidding + the bands," but don't know how to.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>NOTE FOR THE NEW UNIONISM.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Union is Strength." Let lovers of communion</p> + + <p>Remember Strength (of language) is <i>not</i> + Union!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW DEFINITION OF A "FEATHER-BED FIGHTER."—A Boxer + with gloves over four ounces in weight. And anything over that, + we suppose, must be considered a "feather-weight." This gives a + new significance to the saying, "You might have knocked me down + with a feather."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" + id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/178.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/178.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>OUR M.P. MAKES A LITTLE TOUR IN IRELAND.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" + id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/179.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/179.png" + alt="" /></a>MR. TYMS HIRED A MOUNT WITH THE + STAGHOUNDS, BUT QUICKLY CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT + WAS A BRUTAL SHAME TO CHASE THE POOR DEER UP AND DOWN + THOSE HORRIBLE BANKS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A TALE OF THE TELEPHONE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Story of what may happen some day in George Street, + Hanover Square.</i>)</h4> + + <p>There were a few minutes unoccupied before the time + appointed for the ceremony, and so the Pew-opener thought he + could not do better than point out the many excellences of the + church to the Bridegroom.</p> + + <p>"You see, Sir," he said, "our pulpit is occupied by the best + possible talent. The Vicar takes the greatest interest in + securing every rising preacher, and thus, Sunday after Sunday, + we have the most startling orations."</p> + + <p>The Bridegroom (slightly bored) said that if he had happened + to live in the neighbourhood, he should certainly have taken + sittings.</p> + + <p>"But living in the neighbourhood is not necessary, Sir," + persisted the Pew-opener. "Let into the sounding-board is a + telephone, and so our Vicar can supply the sermons preached + here, hot and hot, to residents in the London Postal District. + Considering the quality of the discourses, he charges a very + low rate. The system has been largely adopted. As a matter of + fact the whole service, and not only the pulpit, has been laid + on to the principal Hotels and Clubs."</p> + + <p>But further conversation was here cut short by the arrival + of the Bride, who, led by her brother, advanced towards the + altar with an air of confidence that charmed all beholders. + This self-possession was the outcome of the lady being—as + her grey moiré-antique indicated—a widow. + Congratulations passed round amongst the friends and relatives, + and then the bridal party was arranged in front of the good old + Vicar.</p> + + <p>"Have you switched us on?" said he to the Clerk.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," was the reply. "We are now in communication with + all the principal Hotels and Clubs."</p> + + <p>"That's right. I am always anxious that my clients shall + have their full money's-worth." And then the Vicar read with + much emphasis the exhortation to the public to declare any + "just cause or impediment" to the marriage. Naturally there was + no response, and an opening hymn was sung by the choir, which, + containing some half-dozen verses, lasted quite a quarter of an + hour. At its conclusion the Vicar, who had allowed his + attention to become distracted, instead of going on with the + service, again read the exhortation. He once more gave the + names of "HARRY SMITH, bachelor," and "AMY JONES, widow."</p> + + <p>"If anyone knows any just cause or impediment," he + continued.</p> + + <p>"Stop; I do!" interrupted a gentleman in a dressing-gown, + who had hurriedly entered the Church. "I heard you about a + quarter of an hour ago, while I was breakfasting at the + Shaftesbury Avenue Hotel, ask the same question, and came here + without changing my coat. Very sorry to interrupt the ceremony, + but this lady is my wife! Well, AMY, how are you?"</p> + + <p>"What, JOEY!" exclaimed the (now) ex-Bride, delightedly. "We + <i>are</i> glad to see you! We thought you were dead!"</p> + + <p>Then the gentleman in the dressing-gown was heartily greeted + on all sides. He seemed to be a very popular personage.</p> + + <p>"But where do I come in?" asked Mr. BROWN, the + ex-Bridegroom, who had, during this scene, shown signs of + embarrassment.</p> + + <p>"O JOEY, I quite forgot to introduce you to HARRY," said the + ex-Bride. "You must know one another. I was going to marry him + when you, darling, turned up just in the nick of time, like a + dear good old boy!"</p> + + <p>"Delighted to make your acquaintance, Sir," said Mr. JONES, + shaking Mr. BROWN warmly by the hand. "And now I must go back + to finish my breakfast!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, with me," said the ex-Bride. "You must sit, darling, + in the seat intended for poor HARRY. I know you won't mind, + HARRY (or, perhaps, I ought to call you Mr. BROWN now?), as I + have <i>so</i> much to say to dear JOEY. And you can have your + breakfast at a side-table—now won't you, just to please + me? You always are <i>so</i> kind and considerate!"</p> + + <p>And, as the wedding-party left the Church, the Clerk hastily + unswitched the electric communication.</p> + + <p>"Be quiet, Sir!" he whispered, sternly, to Mr. BROWN, who + had been talking to himself. "If our clients heard you, we + should be ruined! We guarantee that our telephonic supply shall + be perfectly free from bad language!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROPHET AND LOSS.—Good Mussulmen, so it is said, + object to a play entitled <i>Mahomet</i> being produced in + London. The objection was successful in Paris. London Managers + (except, perhaps, Sheriff DRURIOLANUS, who revived <i>Le + Prophete</i> this season) will be on the side of the objectors, + as they would rather have to do with a genuine profit than a + fictitious one. Perhaps the non-production of <i>Mahomet</i> + may be a loss to Literature and the Drama.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page180" + id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span> + + <h2>A BACHELOR'S IDYL.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am not married, but I see</p> + + <p class="i2">No life so pleasant as my own;</p> + + <p>I think it's good for man to be</p> + + <p class="i14">Alone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some marry not who once have been—</p> + + <p class="i2">A curious process—crossed in + love,</p> + + <p>Who find a life's experience in</p> + + <p class="i14">A glove;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or else will sentimental grow</p> + + <p class="i2">At recollections of a dance;</p> + + <p>But, luckily for me, I've no</p> + + <p class="i14">Romance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of course I know "love in a cot,"—</p> + + <p class="i2">The little wife who calls you + "hub,"—</p> + + <p>But I'm content whilst I have got</p> + + <p class="i14">My Club.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In some fine way, I don't know how,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some fool, some idiot, who lacks</p> + + <p>A grain of sense, proposes now</p> + + <p class="i14">A tax.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Tax on Bachelors! Ah, well,</p> + + <p class="i2">If this becomes the law's decree,</p> + + <p>I cheerfully shall pay the <i>L.</i></p> + + <p class="i14"><i>S.D.</i>,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Quite happy with my single lot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Convinced beyond a doubt that life</p> + + <p>Is just worth living it you've not</p> + + <p class="i14">A wife.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <h4>(A LITTLE LATER.)</h4> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/180-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/180-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'll sing exaltedly no more,</p> + + <p class="i2">But sadly in a minor key</p> + + <p>Will tell what fortune had in store</p> + + <p class="i14">For me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I rather think, the other day,</p> + + <p class="i2">That someone asked, "Should women + woo?"</p> + + <p>I'll answer that without delay—</p> + + <p class="i14">They do!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She came—I foolishly was glad—</p> + + <p class="i2">She took me captive with a glance,</p> + + <p>Of course I never really had</p> + + <p class="i14">A chance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And when she bent her pretty head</p> + + <p class="i2">To ask the question, I confess</p> + + <p>That what at once with joy I said</p> + + <p class="i14">Was "Yes."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She says our wedding is to be</p> + + <p class="i2">On Monday—quite a swell affair.</p> + + <p>My wife and I shall hope to see</p> + + <p class="i14">You there.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Is this the Hend?"</h3> + + <p>The following, headed <i>Scottish Leader</i>, was sent to us + as a quotation:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Duke of FIFE has sold the estate of Eden, near + Banff, to Mr. THOMAS ADAM, Deputy Chairman of the Great + North of Scotland Railway Company."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If the above information be correct, this transfer of "Eden" + to "ADAM" looks uncommonly like "Paradise Regained."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/180-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/180-2.png" + alt="Baron de Book-Worms." /></a>The Learned Baron. + </div> + + <p>The Baron must say a word about <i>Voces Populi</i>, by F. + ANSTEY, author of the immortal <i>Vice Versâ</i>. That + the series contained in this volume appeared in <i>Mr. + Punch's</i> pages is sufficient guarantee for the excellence of + its quality, and more than this it would not become the Baron + to say; but of the illustrations by J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE the + Baron can speak—and speak in terms of the highest + admiration of them—as works of genuinely artistic humour. + There are twenty illustrations, that is, ten brace of + Partridges, if he will allow the Baron so far to make game of + him. The book is published by LONGMANS, GREEN & Co.</p> + + <p>The Leadenhall Press has brought out, in Pocket form, + <i>Prince Dorus</i>, by CHARLES LAMB, with nine coloured + illustrations, following the original Edition of 1811. The + lines are not very Lamb-like, but the illustrations are very + quaint, and the Pocket Volume is a curiosity of literature.</p> + + <p>BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A REALLY VALUABLE SUGGESTION.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>To the Editor of Punch.</i>)</h4> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—As the conductor of the recognised organ of + the legal profession, I have the honour to address you. My + learned and accomplished friend. Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C., + complained the other day that there was a right of appeal from + the Police Court to the Bench of Middlesex Magistrates. He said + that his colleagues were barristers and gentlemen of + considerable eminence, and in those characters were better able + to decide upon the merits of a case than the persons who + compose the Tribunal to which appeal from their decision is + permissible. I have not recently looked through the list of + Metropolitan Police Magistrates, but, if they have been chosen + from the ranks of literature and law, as they were thirty years + ago, I can well understand that they are an exceedingly capable + body of men. That so accomplished a <i>littérateur</i> + and admirable an advocate as my friend Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS + himself should have been raised to the Magisterial bench, is a + proof that the standard has been maintained. But, Sir, can + nothing be done for the other tribunal?</p> + + <p>Would it not be possible to appoint a certain proportion of + stipendiaries, with ample salaries, to that body? What is + wanted are men with a perfect knowledge of the law, and a large + experience of the adversities as well as the pleasures of life. + If they occasionally dabble in literature, so much the better. + But, it may be said, where are such men to be found? I answer, + in very many places, and, to encourage the authorities in their + search, shall be most happy to personally head the list.</p> + + <p>Yours, very faithfully,</p> + + <p>(<i>Signed</i>) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. <i>Pump-handle Court, + Oct. 4th, 1890.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GROAN OF THE GUSHLESS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Song à la Shenstone.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["What is described as an Anti-Gush Society has, + according to a Pittsburg paper, been formed in New York, + its object being to check the growing tendency, especially + noticeable among young people of the period, to express + themselves in exaggerated language."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Girl Member of the A.G.S. loq.</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye maidens, so cheerful and gay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose words ever fulsomely fall,</p> + + <p>Oh, pity your friend, who to-day</p> + + <p class="i2">Has become a Society's thrall.</p> + + <p>Allow me to muse and to sigh,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor talk of the change that ye find;</p> + + <p>None once was more happy than I;</p> + + <p class="i2">But, alas! I've left Gushing behind!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/180-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/180-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now I know what it is to have + strove<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p class="i2">With the tortures of verbal desire.</p> + + <p>I must use measured terms, where I love,</p> + + <p class="i2">And be moderate, when I admire.</p> + + <p>No slang must my diction adorn,</p> + + <p class="i2">I must never say "awfully swell."</p> + + <p>Alas! I feel flat and forlorn,</p> + + <p class="i2">I have bidden Girl-Gushing farewell!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since I put down my name in that book</p> + + <p class="i2">I have never called bonnets "divine,"</p> + + <p>For our Sec. with a soul-shaking look,</p> + + <p class="i2">Would be down on your friend with a + fine.</p> + + <p>So the milliners now I pass by;</p> + + <p class="i2">Though dearly they pleased me of + yore;</p> + + <p>If a girl musn't gush, squirm, and sigh,</p> + + <p class="i2">Even shopping becomes quite a bore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For "gorgeous" I languish in vain,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I pine for a "love"—and a + "dear."</p> + + <p>Oh! why did I vow to be plain—</p> + + <p class="i2">In my speech? It sounds awfully + queer!</p> + + <p>Stop! "Awfully" is not allowed.</p> + + <p class="i2">Though it <i>will</i> slip out sometimes, + I own.</p> + + <p>Oh, I might as well sit in my shroud,</p> + + <p class="i2">As use moderate language alone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To force us fair nymphs to forego</p> + + <p class="i2">The hyperbole dear to our heart,</p> + + <p>And the slang without which speech is "slow,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Is to make us a "people apart."</p> + + <p>Oh, to say (without fines) "quite too-too!"</p> + + <p class="i2">For dear "awfully jolly" I yearn.</p> + + <p>I would "chuck" all my friends, sweet—save + you—</p> + + <p class="i2">To the pathways of Gush to return.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Eh? "<i>Chuck</i>" did I say? That is Slang!</p> + + <p class="i2">And "<i>Sweet</i>?" That's decidedly + Gush!</p> + + <p>Oh, let the A.G.S. go hang!</p> + + <p class="i2">My old love returns with a rush.</p> + + <p>It is "gorgeous" once more to be free,</p> + + <p class="i2">O'er a frock or a first night to + glow.</p> + + <p>Come to-morrow! Go shopping with me,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Ownest own</i>—and we'll gush as + we go!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>SHENSTONE, not <i>Mr. Punch</i>, is responsible for the + peccant participle.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>THE MODERN NELSON MOTTO.—At the Church Congress. Lord + NELSON expressed a strong desire for the union of Dissenters + with Churchmen. If his Lordship's reading of the old Nelsonian + motto is "England expects that every clergyman (Dissenter or + Churchman) should do somebody else's duty," then England will + have to wait a considerable time for the Utopian realisation of + this pious wish.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12467 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12467-h/images/169.png b/12467-h/images/169.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..67d3e67 --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/169.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/170.png b/12467-h/images/170.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2894fa --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/170.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/171.png b/12467-h/images/171.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..da49ea9 --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/171.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/172.png b/12467-h/images/172.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ac211c --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/172.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/173.png b/12467-h/images/173.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6b33be --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/173.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/174.png b/12467-h/images/174.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..98b0ddc --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/174.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/175.png b/12467-h/images/175.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9644bef --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/175.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/177.png b/12467-h/images/177.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5661333 --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/177.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/178.png b/12467-h/images/178.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..becf233 --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/178.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/179.png b/12467-h/images/179.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aeba252 --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/179.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/180-1.png b/12467-h/images/180-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d956bd --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/180-1.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/180-2.png b/12467-h/images/180-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0ad9e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/180-2.png diff --git a/12467-h/images/180-3.png b/12467-h/images/180-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f40ffb1 --- /dev/null +++ b/12467-h/images/180-3.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..178b82b --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12467 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12467) diff --git a/old/12467-8.txt b/old/12467-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9c65bd6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12467-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1753 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +October 11, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., October 11, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12467] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +October 11, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XX.--THE DIVORCÉE. + +The Court over which Sir JAMES HANNEN presides was instituted for +the purification of morals by the separation of ill-assorted couples. +Matrimonial errors, which had hitherto stood upon the level of +political grievances, capable of redress only after the careful and +unbiassed attention of British legislators had been, at much expense +both of time and money, devoted to them, were henceforth to form the +subject of a special procedure in a division of the Courts of Law +created for the purpose, and honestly calculated to bring separation +and divorce within the reach even of the most modest incomes. The +tyrant man, as usual, favoured himself by the rules he laid down for +the playing of the game. For whereas infidelity on the part of the +wife is held to be, in itself, a sufficient cause for pronouncing a +decree in favour of the husband, a kind, though constantly unfaithful +husband, is protected from divorce, and only punished by separation +from the wife he has wronged. It is necessary for a man to add either +cruelty or desertion to his other offence, in order that his wife +may obtain from the laws of her country the opportunity of marrying +someone else. But the wit of woman has proved equal to the emergency. +Nowhere, it may be safely stated, have more tales of purely +imaginative atrocity been listened to with greater attention, or with +more favourable results, than in the Divorce Court. On an incautious +handshake a sprained wrist and an arm bruised into all the colours of +the rainbow have been not infrequently grafted. A British imprecation, +and a banged door, have often become floods of invective and a +knock-down blow; and a molehill of a pinch has, under favourable +cultivation, been developed into a mountain of ill-treatment, on the +top of which a victorious wife has in the end, triumphantly planted +the banner of freedom. + +[Illustration] + +Hence the Divorce Court, after some years of suspicion, has gradually +come to be looked upon as one of the sacred institutions of +the country. And, speaking generally, those who make use of its +facilities, however much certain of the more strait-laced may frown, +are considered by society at large to have done a thing which is +surprisingly right and often enviable. The result at any rate is that +the number of the divorced increases year by year, and that a lady +whose failings have been established against her by a judicial decree, +may be quite sure of a hand of ardent sympathisers of both sexes, +amongst whom she can hold her head as high as her inclination prompts +her without exciting a larger number of spiteful comments than are +allotted to her immaculate and undecreed sisters. She may not have +been able to abide the question of the Counsel who cross-examined +her, but she is certainly free, even in a wider sense than before. +She may not, perhaps, stand on so lofty a social pinnacle as the +merely-separated lady whose husband still lives, and to whose male +friends the fact that she in practically husbandless, and at the same +time disabled from marriage, gives a delightful sense both of zest and +security. On the other hand, the separated lady must be to a certain +extent circumspect, lest she should place a weapon for further +punishment in the hands of her husband. But to the Divorcée all things +apparently, are permitted. + +When she left the Court in which, to use her own words, "all her +budding hopes had been crushed by the triumph of injustice," the +beautiful Divorcée (for in order to be truly typical the Divorcée is +necessarily beautiful) might have proceeded immediately to plant them +afresh in the old soil. The various gentlemen who had sustained their +reputation as men of honour by tampering on her behalf and on their +own, with the strict letter of the truth, naturally felt that the +boldness of their denials entitled them to her lasting regard, and +showed themselves ready to aid her with their counsel. But, though she +never ceased to protest her innocence of all that had been laid to her +charge and proved against her, she was sufficiently sensible to give +them to understand that for a time, at least, her path in the world +would be easier if they ceased to accompany her. They accepted the +sentence of banishment with a good grace, knowing perfectly well +that it was not for long. The Divorcée then withdrew from the flaming +placards of the daily papers, on which she had figured during the past +week, and betook herself to the seclusion of her bijou residence in +the heart of the most fashionable quarter. Here she pondered for a +short time upon the doubtful unkindness of fate which had deprived her +of a husband whom she despised, and of a home which his presence had +made insupportable. But she soon roused herself to face her new lack +of responsibility, and to enjoy it. At first, she moved cautiously. +There were numerous sympathisers who urged her to defy the world, such +as it is, and to show herself everywhere entirely careless of what +people might say. Such conduct might possibly have been successful, +but the Divorcée foresaw a possible risk to her reputation, and +abstained. She began, therefore, by making her public appearances +infrequent. In company with the devoted widow, whose evidence +had almost saved her from an adverse verdict, she arranged placid +tea-parties at which the casual observer might have imagined that +the rules of social decorum were more strictly enforced than in the +household of an archbishop. Inquiry, however, might have revealed the +fact that a large proportion of the ladies present at these gatherings +had either shaken off the matrimonial shackles, or proposed to do +so, whether as plaintiffs or as defendants, whenever a favourable +opportunity presented itself. The men, too, who were, after a time, +admitted to these staid feasts, were not altogether archiepiscopal, +though they behaved as they were dressed, quite irreproachably. To +counter-balance them to some extent, the Divorcée determined to secure +the presence and the countenance of a clergyman. + +After some search, she discovered one who was enthusiastic, deficient +in worldly knowledge, and susceptible. To him she related her own +private version of her wrongs, which she seasoned with quite a +pretty flow of tears. The amiable cleric yielded without a struggle, +and readily placed at her service the protection of his white +tie. Thus strengthened, she moved forward a little further. She +revisited theatres; she was heard of at Clubs; she shone again at +dinner-parties, and in a year or so had organised for herself a +social circle which entirely satisfied her desires. Sometimes she even +allowed herself to dabble in good works. She was accused of having +written a religious poem for a serious Magazine; but all that was ever +proved against her was, that a remarkable series of articles on _The +Homes of the Poor_ bore traces of a style that was said to be hers. +Evil tongues still whispered in corners, and cynics were heard to +scoff occasionally; but the larger world, which abhors cynics, and +only believes what is good, began to smile upon her. She did not +appear to value its smiles,--but they were useful. Whenever London +tired her, she flitted to Paris, or to the Riviera, or even to +Egypt or Algiers. She subscribed to charities, and acted in Amateur +Theatricals. Finally, she married a gentleman who was believed by his +friends to be a poet, and who certainly qualified for the title by the +romance he had woven about her. With him she lived for many years a +poetic and untrammelled existence, and, when she died, many dowagers +sent wreaths as tokens of their sorrow at the loss of an admirable +woman. + + * * * * * + +VERSES FOR A VIOLINIST. + + "The violin has now fairly taken its place as an instrument + for girls."--_Daily News_. + + In old days of Art the painter much applause would surely win, + When he showed us Saint Cecilia playing on the violin. + + I've no skill of brush and palette like those unforgotten men; + My Cecilia must content herself with an unworthy pen. + + Fairy fingers flash before me as the bow sweeps o'er each string; + Like the organ's _vox humana_, Hark! the instrument can sing. + + That _sonata_ of TARTINI's in my ears will linger long; + It might be some _prima donna_ scaling all the heights of song. + + Every string a different language speaks beneath her skilful sway. + Does the shade of PAGANINI hover over her to-day? + + All can feel the passion throbbing through the music fraught with pain: + Then, with feminine mutation, comes a soft and tender strain. + + Gracious curve of neck, and fiddle tucked 'neath that entrancing chin-- + Fain with you would I change places, O thrice happy violin! + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: THE TOURNEY. + +["Golf is superseding Lawn-Tennis."--_Daily Paper_.]] + + The Champions are mounted, a wonderful pair, + And the boldest who sees them must e'en hold his breath. + Their breastplates and greaves glitter bright in the air; + They have sworn ere they met they would fight to the death. + And the heart of the Queen of the Tournament sinks + At the might of Sir GOLF, the Red Knight of the Links. + + But her Champion, Sir TENNIS, the Knight of the Lawn, + At the throne of the lady who loves him bows low: + He fears not the fight, for his racket is drawn, + And he spurs his great steed as he charges the foe. + And the sound of his war-cry is heard in the din, + "Fifteen, thirty, forty, deuce, vantage, I win!" + + But the Red Knight, Sir GOLF, smiles a smile that is grim, + And a flash as of triumph has mantled his cheek; + And he shouts, "I would scorn to be vanquished by _him_, + With my driver, my iron, my niblick and cleek. + Now, TENNIS, I have thee; I charge from the Tee, + To the deuce with thy racket, thy scoring, and thee!" + + And the ladies all cry, "Oh, Sir TENNIS, our own, + Drive him back whence he came to his bunkers and gorse." + And the men shake their heads, for Sir TENNIS seems blown, + There are cracks in his armour, and wounds on his horse. + But the Umpire, Sir PUNCH, as he watches says, "Pooh! + Let them fight and be friends; _there is room for the two_." + + * * * * * + +A LAMB-LIKE GAMBOL. + +Some little time ago we noticed with great satisfaction, that the +Committee of the Sunday School Union had advertised in the _Athenæum_ +for the "best Tale on Gambling," for which they were anxious to +pay One Hundred Pounds sterling. The principal "condition" that the +C.S.S.U. attached to their competition was that "the tale must be +drawn as far as possible from actual life, and must vividly depict +the evils of gambling, setting forth its ruinous effects sociably and +morally on the young people of our land." Perhaps the following short +story may serve as a model to the candidates. This romance must be +considered "outside the competition." Here it is. + +PLEASANT POVERTY BETTER THAN WICKED WEALTH! + +PETER was a good boy. He went to Sunday school regularly, and always +took off his hat to his superiors--he so objected to gambling that +he never called them "betters." One day PETER found a sovereign, and +fearing, lest it might be a gilded jubilee shilling, decided to spend +it upon himself, rather than run the risk of possibly causing the +Police to put it in circulation, under the impression that it was +a coin of the higher value. He spent ten shillings on a ticket to +Boulogne-sur-Mer, and with the remaining half-sovereign played at +_Chemin de Fer_ at the Casino. And, alas! this was his first straying +from the path of virtue. Unfortunately he was most unlucky (from a +moral point of view) in his venture, leaving the tables with a sum +exceeding forty pounds. Feeling reluctant that money so ill-gained +should remain for very long in his possession, he spent a large slice +of it in securing a ticket for Monte Carlo. + +Arrived at this dreadful place he backed Zero fifteen times running, +was unhappy enough to break the bank, and retired to rest with over +ten thousand pounds. He now decided, that he had best return to +England, where he felt sure he would be safe from further temptation. + +When he was once more in London, he could not make up his mind whether +he should contribute his greatly scorned fortune to the Committee of +the Sunday School Union, or plank his last dollar on a rank outsider +for a place in the Derby. From a feeling of delicacy, he adopted the +latter course, and was indescribably shocked to pull off his fancy +at Epsom. Thinking that the Committee of the same useful body would +refuse to receive money obtained under such painful circumstances, he +plunged deeply on the Stock Exchange, and again added considerably +to his much-hated store. It was at this period in his history that +he married, and then the punishment he had so justly merited overtook +him. His wife was a pushing young woman, whose great delight was +to see her name in the Society papers. This pleasure she managed to +secure by taking a large house, and giving costly entertainments to +all sorts and conditions of individuals. Poor PETER soon found this +mode of life intolerably wearisome. He now never knew an hour's +peace, until one day he determined to run away from home, leaving in +the hands of his wife all that he possessed. His absence made no +perceptible difference in Mrs. PETER's _ménage_. It was generally +supposed that he was living abroad. However, on one winter night there +was a large gathering at his wife's house, and, it being very cold, +the guests eagerly availed themselves of the services of the linkman, +who had told himself off to fetch their carriages. + +And, when everyone was gone, the poor linkman asked the mistress of +the house for some broken victuals. + +"Good gracious!" exclaimed that Lady, "if it isn't my husband! What do +you mean, PETER, by so disgracing me?" + +"Disgrace you!--not I!" returned PETER. "No one recognises me. Of all +the guests that throng my house, and eat my suppers, I don't believe +there is a solitary individual who knows me by sight." + +And PETER was right. Ah, how much better would it have been had PETER +remained at school, and not found that sovereign! Had he remained at +school, he would some day have acquired a mass of information that +would have been of immense assistance to him when his father died, and +he succeeded to the paternal broom, and the right of sweep over the +family street-crossing! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO MUCH GENIUS. + +_Poet_. "OH--A--I ALWAYS WRITE MY POEMS RIGHT OFF, WITHOUT ANY +CORRECTIONS, YOU KNOW, AND SEND THEM STRAIGHT TO THE PRINTER. I NEVER +LOOK AT 'EM A SECOND TIME." + +_Critic_. "NO MORE DO YOUR READERS, MY BOY!"] + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +OSTRICH "FARMING."--We are afraid we cannot give you any sound +or useful information to assist you in your project of keeping an +ostrich-farm in a retired street in Bayswater; but that you should +have already received a consignment of fifty "fine, full-grown birds," +and managed, with the aid of five railway porters, and all the local +police available, to get them from the van in which they arrived +up two flights of stairs, and locate them temporarily in your back +drawing-room, augurs at least for a good start to your undertaking. +That three should have escaped, and, after severely kicking the Vicar, +who happened to be dining with you, terrified the whole neighbourhood, +and effected an entrance into an adjacent public-house, where they +appear to have done a good deal of damage to the glass and crockery, +upsetting a ten-gallon cask of gin, and frightening the barmaid into +a fit of hysterics, being only finally captured by the device of +getting a coal-sack over their heads, was, after all, but a slight +_contretemps_, and not one to be taken into account when measured +against the grand fact that you have got _all your birds safely lodged +for the night_. A little arnica, and a fortnight in bed, will, in all +probability, set the Vicar all right. With regard to their food, we +should advise you to continue the tinned lobster and muffins, which +they seem to relish. You appear to be alarmed at their swallowing the +tins. There is no occasion for any anxiety on this point, the tin, +doubtless, serving as the proverbial "digestive" pebble with which +all birds, we believe, accompany a hearty meal. We fear we cannot +enlighten you as to how you make your profits out of an ostrich-farm; +but, speaking at random, we should say they would probably arise by +pulling the feathers out of the tails of the birds and selling them to +Court Milliners. Your idea of trying them in harness in a Hansom seems +to have something in it. Turn it over, by all means. Meantime, get +a Shilling Handbook on the Management of the Ostrich. We think you +will have to cover in your garden with a tarpaulin as you suggest. +You cannot expect the fifty birds to stay for ever in your back +drawing-room; and the fact that you mention, of their having already +kicked down and eaten one folding-door, is significant. They will be +escaping from your balcony all over the neighbourhood if you do not +take care to secure them; and as they seem fresh, very aggressive, and +strong in the leg, such a catastrophe might lead you into a good deal +of unpleasantness. Take our advice, and get them downstairs, tight +under a stout tarpaulin, as soon as possible. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._ + +NO. I.--"I'M MONARCH OF ALL I _SURVEY_!" + + SCENE--_Interior of newly-erected building. Present, the + Builder and a Surveyor, the former looking timidly foxy, + the latter knowingly pompous, and floridly self-important; + Builder, in dusty suit of dittoes, carries one hand in + his breeches-pocket, where he chinks certain metallic + substances--which may be coins or keys--nervously and + intermittently. Surveyor, a burly mass of broadcloth and big + watch-chain, carries an intimidating note-book, and a menacing + pencil, making mems. in a staccato and stabbing fashion, which + is singularly nerve-shaking._ + +_Surveyor_ (_speaking with his pencil in his mouth_). Well, +Mister--er--er--WOTSERNAME, I--er--think--'m, 'm, 'm--things seem to +be _pretty_ right as far's I can see; though of course-- + +_Builder_ (_hastily_). Oh, I assure you I've taken the _greatest_ +pains to conform to--er--rules in--er--in _every_ way; though if there +_should_ be any little thing that ketches your eye, why, you've only +to-- + +[Illustration] + +_Surveyor_. Oh, of course, of course! _We_ know all about that. You +see _I_ can only go by rule. What's right's right; what's wrong's +wrong; that's about the size of it. _I've_ nothing to do with it, one +way or another, except to see the law carried out. + +_Builder_. Ex-ack-ly! However, if you've seen all you want to, we may +as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and-- + +_Surveyor_ (_suddenly_). By the way, I suppose this wall is properly +underpinned? + +_Builder_ (_nervously_). Well--er--not exackly--but, 'er, 'er--well, +the fact is I thought-- + +_Surveyor_ (_sternly_). What you _thought_, Sir, doesn't affect the +matter. The question is, what the Building Act _says_. The whole thing +must come down! + +_Builder_. But, I say, that'll run me into ten pounds, at least, and +really the thing's as safe as-- + +_Surveyor_. Maybe, maybe--in fact, I don't say it isn't. But the Act +says it's got to be done. + +_Builder_. Well, well, if there's no help for it, I must _do_ it, of +course. + +_Surveyor_ (_looking somehow disappointed_). Very sorry, of course, +but you see what must be must. + +_Builder_ (_sadly_). Yes, yes, no doubt. Well (_brightening_), anyhow, +we may as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and crack a +bottle of champagne. + +_Surveyor_ (_also brightening_). Well, ours is a dusty job, and I +don't care if I do. + + [_They do so. Surveyor drinks his full share of Heidsieck, + and smokes a cigar of full size and flavour. He and + Builder exchange reminiscences concerning past professional + experiences, the "tricks of trade," diverse devices for + "dodging the Act," &c., &c. Surveyor explains how stubborn + builders ("not like you, you know"), who don't do the thing + handsome, often suffer by having to run themselves to expenses + that might have been avoided--and serve 'em right too! Also, + how others, without a temper above "tips," and of a generally + gentlemanly tone of mind, save themselves lots of little + extras, which, maybe, the letter of the law would exact, + but which a Surveyor of sense and good feeling can get + over, "and no harm done, neither, to nobody." As the wine + circulates, it is noticeable that good-fellowship grows almost + boisterous, and facetiousness mellows into chuckling cynicism + of the winking, waggish, "we all do it" sort._ + +_Surveyor_ (_tossing off last glass, and smacking his lips_). Well, +well, the best of friends must part, and I guess I must be toddling. +Very glad to have met you, I'm sure, and a better bit of building than +yours yonder I haven't seen for some time. Seems a pity, hanged if +it don't, that you should have to put yourself to such an additional +outlay--ah, by the way, _what_ did you say it would cost you? + +_Builder_. Oh, about ten pounds, I suppose. + +_Surveyor_ (_lighting another cigar_). Humph! (_Puff' +puff!_) Pity--pity! (_Puff! puff!_) Now look here, my +boy--(_confidentially_)--suppose you and me just divide that +tenner between us, five to you, and five to me; and, as to the +"underpinning"--well, nobody'll be a bit the wiser, and the building +won't be a halfpenny the worse, _I'll_ bet my boots. Come, is it a +bargain? + + [_After a little beating about the bush, the little "job" is + arranged amicably, on the practical basis of "a fiver each, + and mum's the word on both sides," thus evading the law, + saving the Builder a few pounds, and supplementing the + salary of the Surveyor. Ulterior results, unsanitary or + otherwise, do not come within the compass of this sketch._ + + * * * * * + +STRANGER THAN FICTION! + +(_POSTMARKS--LEEDS, HULL, AND ELSEWHERE._) + +Mr. Punch was assisting at a Congress. The large room in which that +Congress was being held was crowded, and consequently the heat was +oppressive. The speeches, too, were not particularly interesting, +and the Sage became drowsy. It was fortunate, therefore, that a fair +maiden in a classical garb (who suddenly appeared seated beside him) +should have addressed him. The interruption reassembled in their +proper home his wandering senses. + +"I fear, _Mr. Punch_," said the fair maiden, looking at herself in a +small mirror which she was holding in her right hand, "that you are +inclined to go to sleep." + +"Well, I am," replied the Sage, with unaccountable bluntness; "truth +to tell, these orations about nothing in particular, spouted by +persons with an imperfect knowledge of, I should say, almost any +subject, bore me." + +"The information is unnecessary," observed the young lady; with a +smile. "I share your feelings. But if you will be so kind as to pay a +little attention to the speakers while they are under my influence, I +think you will discover a new interest in their utterances." + +"Are you an hypnotist, Madam?" asked _Mr. Punch_. + +"Well, not exactly. But, when I have the chance, I can make people +speak the Truth." + +Then _Mr. Punch_ listened, and was surprised at the strange things +that next happened. + +"I wish to be perfectly frank with you," said a gentleman on the +platform; "I am here because I wish to see my name in the papers, and +all the observations I have made up to date have been addressed to the +reporters. I am glad I can control my thoughts, because I would not +for worlds let you know the truth. It is my ambition to figure as a +philanthropist, and on my word, I think this is the cheapest and most +effective mode of carrying out my intention." + +Then the gentleman resumed his seat with a smile that suggested that +he was under the impression that he had just delivered himself of +sentiments bound to extort universal admiration. + +"That is not exactly my case," observed a second speaker, "because I +do not care two pins for anything save the entertainments which are +invariably associated with scientific research, or philanthropical +inquiry. I pay my guinea, after considerable delay, and then expect +to take out five times that amount in grudgingly bestowed, but +competitionally provoked (if I may be pardoned the expression) +hospitality. I attend a portion--a small portion--of a lecture, and +then hurry off to the nearest free luncheon, or gratuitous dinner, in +the neighbourhood. I should be a tax upon my friends if I dropped in +at half-past one, or at a quarter to eight, punctually, and my motives +would be too wisely interpreted to a desire on my part to reduce the +sum total of my butcher's book. So I merely drop in upon a place where +a Congress is being held, and make the most of my membership." + +"These startling statements are decidedly unconventional," said _Mr. +Punch_, turning towards his fair companion, "and that your influence +should cause them to be made, astounds me. I trust you will not +consider me indiscreet if I ask for--" + +"My name and address," returned the fair maiden, smilingly, completing +the sentence; "Learn, then, that I live at the bottom of a well, to +which rather damp resting-place I am about to return; and that in +England I am called Truth." + +And as the lady disappeared, _Mr. Punch_ fell from his chair, and +awoke! + +"Dear me, I have been dreaming!" exclaimed the Sage, as he left +the meeting. "Well, as everyone knows, dreams are not in the least +like reality! But the strangest thing of all was to find Truth in a +Congress!" + +And it was strange, indeed. + + * * * * * + +AT THE THEATRE! + +_THE LYCEUM AGAIN. THE HAYMARKET ONCE MORE._ + +"Great Scott!" we exclaim,--not Critical CLEMENT of that ilk, but Sir +WALTER,--on again seeing _Ravenswood_. Since then an alteration in +the _modus shootendi_ has been made, and _Edgar_ no longer takes a +pot-shot at the bull from the window, but, ascertaining from _Sir +William Ashton Bishop_ that _Ellen Lucy Terry_ is being Terryfied by +an Irish bull which has got mixed up with the Scotch "herd without," +_Henry Edgar Irving_ rushes off, gun in hand; then the report of the +gun is, like the Scotch oxen, also "_heard_ without," and _Henry_ +reappears on the scene, having saved _Ellen Lucy Ashton_ by reducing +the fierce bull to potted beef. + +[Illustration] + +"What shall he have who kills the bull?" "The Dear! the Dear!" +meaning, of course, _Ellen Lucy Ashton_ aforesaid. After this all +goes well. Acting excellent all round--or nearly all round, the one +exception being, however, the very much "all-round" representative +of _Lady Ashton_, whose misfortune it is to have been selected for +this particular part. Scenery lovely, and again and again must HAWES +MCCHAVEN be congratulated on the beautiful scene of The Mermaiden's +Well (never better, in fact), Act III. The love-making bit in this +Act is charming, and the classic Sibyl, _Ailsie_, superb. Nothing in +stage effect within our memory has equalled the pathos of the final +_tableau_. It is most touching through its extreme simplicity. + +The Haymarket has re-opened with the odd mixture of the +excellent French _Abbé Constantin_ and the weak, muddle-headed, +Tree-and-Grundy-ised "village Priest," known as the _Abbé Dubois_, +or "_Abbé Do Bore_," as 'ARRY might call him. Changes are in +contemplation, and may have been already announced. Whatever they may +be, it is some consolation to learn that this Tree-and-Grundy-ised +French Abbé is not likely to be a "perpetual Curate." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. II.--BURRA MURRA BOKO. + +(_BY_ KIPPIERD HERRING, _AUTHOR OF "SOLDIERS' TEA," "OVER THE +DARODEES," "HANDSOME HEADS ON THE VALETS," "MORE BLACK THAN WHITE," +"EXPERIMENTAL DITTOS," &C., &C._) + + [NOTE.--The MS. of this story arrived from India by pneumatic + despatch, a few puffs having been apparently sufficient. + In a letter which was enclosed with it the author modestly + apologises for its innumerable merits. "But," he adds, "I have + several hundred of the same sort in stock, and can supply them + at a moment's notice. Kindly send £1000 in Bank of England + notes, by registered letter, to K. HERRING. No farther address + will be required."] + +_Polla dan anta cat anta._ What will you have, Sahib? My heart is +made fat, and my eyes run with the water of joy. _Kni vestog rind. +Scis sorstog rind_, the Sahib is as a brother to the needy, and the +afflicted at the sound of his voice become as a warming-pan in a _fôr +postah_. Ahoo! Ahoo! I have lied unto the Sahib. _Mi ais an dlims_, I +am a servant of sin. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +There came a sound in the night as of an elephant-herd trumpeting in +anger, and my liver was dissolved, and the heart within me became as +a _Patoph But'ah_ under the noon-day sun. I made haste, for there was +fear in the air, Sahib, and the _Pleez Mahn_ that walketh by night +was upon me. But, oh, Sahib, the cunning of the serpent was with me, +and as he passed I tripped him up, and the raging river received him. +Twice he rose, and the gleam of his eyes spake in vain for help. And +at last there came a bubble where the man had been, and he was seen no +more. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +That night I spake unto her as she stood in the moonlight. "Oh, sister +of an oil-jar, and daughter of pig-troughs, what is it thou hast +done?" And she, laughing, spake naught in reply, but gave me the +_Tcheke Slahp_ of her tribe, and her fingers fell upon my face, and my +teeth rattled within my mouth. But I, for my blood was made hot within +me, sped swiftly from her, making no halt, and the noise of fifty +thousand devils was in my ears, and the rage of the _Smâk duns_ burnt +fierce within the breast of me, and my tongue was as a fresh fig that +grows upon a southern wall. _Auggrh!_ pass me the peg, for my mouth is +dry. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ Then came the Yunkum Sahib, +and the Bunkum Sahib, and they spake awhile together. But I, like unto +a _Brerra-bit_, lay low, and my breath came softly, and they knew not +that I watched them as they spake. And they joked much together, and +told each to the other how that the wives of their friends were to +them as mice in the sight of the crouching _Tabbikat_, and that the +honour of a man was as sand, that is blown afar by the storm-wind +of the desert, which maketh blind the faithful, and stoppeth their +mouths. Such are all of them, Sahib, since I that speak unto you know +them for what they are, and thus I set forth the tale that all men may +read, and understand. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +'"Twas the most ondacint bedivilmint ever I set eyes on, Sorr. There +was I, blandandhering widout"-- + +"Pardon me," I said, "this is rather puzzling. A moment back you +were a Mahajun of Puli, in Marwur, or a Delhi Pathan, or a Wali Dad, +or something of that sort, and now you seem to have turned into an +Irishman. Can you tell me how it is done?" + +"Whist, ye oncivilised, backslidhering pagin!" said my friend, Private +O'RAMMIS, for it was indeed he. "Hould on there till I've tould ye. +Fwhat was I sayin'? Eyah, eyah, them was the bhoys for the dhrink. +When the sun kem out wid a blink in his oi, an' the belly-band av his +new shoot tied round him, there was PORTERS and ATHUS lyin' mixed up +wid the brandy-kegs, and the houl of the rigimint tearin' round like +all the divils from hell bruk loose. + +"Thin I knew there'd be thrubble, for ye must know, Sorr, there was a +little orf'cer bhoy cryin' as tho' his little heart was breakin', an' +the Colonel's wife's sister, wid her minowderin' voice--" + +"Look here, O'RAMMIS," I said, "I don't like to stop you; but isn't it +just a trifle rash--I mean," I added hastily, for I saw him fingering +his bayonet, "is it quite as wise as it might be to use up all your +materials at once? Besides, I seem to have met that little Orf'cer +bhoy and the Colonel's wife's sister before. I merely mention it as +a friend." + +"You let 'im go, Sir," put in PORTERS, with his cockney accent. "Lor, +Sir, TERENCE knows bloomin' well wot 'e's torkin' about, an' wen +'e's got a story to tell you know there ain't one o' us wot'll get a +bloomin' word in; or leastways, Hi carn't." + +"Sitha," added JOCK ATHUS. "I never gotten but one story told mysen, +and he joomped down my throaat for that. Let un taalk, Sir, let un +taalk." + +"Very well," I said, producing one of the half-dozen bottles of +champagne that I always carried in my coat-tail pockets whenever I +went up to the Barracks to visit my friend O'RAMMIS, "very well. Fire +away, TERENCE, and let us have your story." + +"I'm an ould fool," continued O'RAMMIS, in a convinced tone. "But +ye know, JOCK, how 'twas. I misremember fwhat I said to her, but she +never stirred, and only luked at me wid her melancolious ois, and +wid that my arm was round her waist, for bedad, it was pretty, she +was under the moon in the ould barrick square. 'Hould on there,' she +says, 'ye boiled thief of Deuteronomy. D'ye think I've kem here to be +philandhering afther you. I'd make a better man than you out av empty +kyartridges and putty.' Wid that she turned on her heel, and was for +marching away. But I was at her soide agin before she'd got her left +fut on the beat. 'That's quare,' thinks I to myself; 'but, TERENCE, +me bhoy, 'tis you know the thricks av the women. Shoulder arrums,' I +thinks, 'and let fly wid the back sight.' Wid that I just squeezed her +hand wid the most dellikit av all squeezings, and, sez I, 'MARY, me +darlint,' I sez, 'ye're not vexed wid TERENCE, I know;' but you never +can tell the way av a woman, for before the words was over the tongue +av me, the bhoys kem raging an' ramshackling--" + +"Really, O'RAMMIS," I ventured to observe, for I noticed that he +and his two friends had pulled all the other five bottles out of my +pocket, and had finished them, "I'm a little disappointed with you +to-day. I came out here for a little quiet blood-and-thunder before +going to bed, and you are mixing up your stories like the regimental +laundress's soapsuds. It's not right of you. Now, honestly, is it?" + +But the Three Musketeers had vanished. Perhaps they may reappear, +bound in blue-grey on the railway bookstalls. Perhaps not. And the +worst of it is, that the Colonel will never understand them, and the +gentlemen who write articles will never understand them. There is +only one man who knows all about them, and even he is sometimes what +my friend O'RAMMIS calls "a blandandhering, philandhering, +misundherstandhering civilian man." + +Which his name is KIPPIERD HERRING. And that is perfectly true. + + * * * * * + +SO MUCH FOR KNOTTING'EM.--The Dean of Rochester to be henceforth known +as The Dean of Knotting'em. His new motto,-- + + "Whack a 'Shack' + Smack on his back." + +Perhaps the Dean would then like to make a Moslem of the lolloping +do-nothing offender, and call him "Shackaback." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WAITING FOR THE EXPRESS. (NOUS AVONS CHANGÉ TOUT CELA.) + +FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERS:--SIR GORGIUS MIDAS, LADY MIDAS, AND GORGIUS +MIDAS, ESQ., JUNR. + +SECOND-CLASS DITTO:--BUTLERS, FOOTMEN, GROOMS, MAIDS, &C, OF THE HOUSE +OF MIDAS. + +THIRD-CLASS DITTO:--THE HON. AND REV. JAMES AND LADY SUSAN DE VERE, +GENERAL SIR JOHN AND LADY HAUTCASTLE, F. MADDER LAKE, ESQ., R.A., AND +DAUGHTERS, PROFESSOR PARALLAX, F.R.S., &C., &C., &C.] + + * * * * * + +"HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS;" + +_OR, "APPROACHING" THE HYDRA._ + + [The London County Council adopted the Report of a Committee: + "That the Committee be authorised to enter into tentative + negotiations with the Water Companies, for the purpose of + ascertaining upon what terms the Companies will be prepared + to dispose of their undertakings to the Council." The + Vice-Chairman (Sir T. FARRER) thought that the Committee + "would be as wax in the hands of the clever agents of the + Companies." The Chairman (Sir JOHN LUBBOCK) was in favour + of deferring the question.] + + That Hydra again! Monster huge, hydro-cephalous, + Haunting our city of blunders and jobs, + Born, it would seem, to bewilder and baffle us, + _Who_'ll give you "one" for your numerous nobs. + Many have menaced you, some had a shy at you; + SALISBURY stout, and bespectacled CROSS, + Each in his season has joined in the cry at you, + Little, 'twould seem, to your damage or loss. + Still you eight-headed and lanky-limbed monster, you + Sprawl and monopolise, spread and devour. + Many assail you, but hitherto, none stir you. + Say, _has_ the hero arrived, and the hour? + No Infant Hercules, surely, can tackle you, + Ancient abortion, with hope of success. + It needeth a true full-grown hero to shackle you, + Jupiter's son, and Alcmene's, no less! + Our civic Hercules smacks of the nursery, + Not three years old, though ambitious, no doubt; + _You_'ll scarce be captured by tentatives cursory. + Snared by a "motion," or scared by a "spout," + Hera's pet, offspring of Typhon, the lion-clad + Hero assailed, _con amore_; but _you_, + Callous as Behemoth, hard as an iron-clad, + "Conciliation" with coldness will view + Fancy "approaching" the Hydra with honey-bait, + Tempting the monster to parley and purr! + How will Monopoly look on a money-bait? + Hercules, too, who would "like to defer?" + Not quite a true hard-shell hero--in attitude-- + Hercules (County) Concilians looks; + Thinks he to move a true Hydra to gratitude? + Real Leviathan chortles at hooks! + "Come, pretty Hydra! 'Agreement provisional,' + Properly baited with sound _L.S.D._, + Ought to entice you!" He's scorn and derision all, + Hydra, if true to his breed. We shall see! + Just so a groom, with the bridle behind him, + Tempts a free horse with some corn in a sieve. + Will London's Hydra let "tentatives" blind him, + Snap at the bait, and the tempter believe? + Or will the "hero"--in form of Committee-- + Really prove wax for the Hydra to mould? + Yes, there's the club, but it's rather a pity + Hercules seems a bit feeble of hold. + Tentative heroes may suit modern urgency, + LUBBOCK may win where a Hercules fails. + If we now hunt, upon public emergency, + Stymphalian Birds, 'tis with salt for their tails! + + * * * * * + +"YE GODS, WHAT A TERRIBLE TWIST!" + +Statistics are sweet things, and full of startling surprises. Like the +Frenchman in "_Killaloe_" "you never know what they'll be up to next." +Here, for instance, is a "statement showing the decrease in price in +the United States of many articles within the past ten years _largely +consumed_ by the agricultural community." And among these "many +articles" "largely consumed," are "mowing machines, barb fence-wire, +horseshoes, forks, wire-cloth, slop-buckets, wheelbarrows, and +putty." No wonder dyspepsia is the national disease in America. Fancy +"consuming" French staples, pie-plates (though _they_ sound almost +edible), and putty!!! The ostrich is supposed to be capable of +digesting such dainties as broken bottles, and tenpenny nails, but +that voracious fowl is evidently not "in it" with the "Agricultural +community" of America. + + * * * * * + +ODD.--A Correspondent says he found this advertisement in the +_Guardian_:-- + + RECTOR of S. Michael's, Lichfield, requires help of a + LAY-READER. Visiting, S.-school, cottage services, ass. in + choir, &c. Good salary. + +The explanation, we believe, is, that "ass." is the abbreviated form +of "assisting." The Rector had better have the unabbreviated assistant +in choir, particularly if he be already short of choristers; unless +the Rector should be also Vicar of Bray, in which case the "ass." +could be transferred from Lichfield to the more appropriate living. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS." + +"The Special Committee on Water Supply, appointed by the London County +Council, said, in their Report, 'Before entering upon the inquiry, +the Committee thought it would be desirable to approach the Water +Companies with a view to ascertaining whether it would be possible +for the Companies and the Council to make some provisional agreement +as to the terms upon which the Companies' Water undertakings should +be transferred to the Council, if Parliament gave the necessary +authority.'"--_The Times' Report_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOSSOO IN EGYPT. + +_Mr. Punch_ (_to French Guardian of Egyptian Monuments_). "COME, I +SAY, SIR! DO YOU CALL THIS LOOKING AFTER THE MONUMENTS? WAKE UP, OR +YOU'LL HAVE TO GO!"--_See "Times" Leader, Oct. 3rd, 1890._] + + * * * * * + +JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE. + +SEVENTH ENTRY. + +To my intense surprise--shared, as far as I can see, by all my friends +and relatives--I have managed to pass the "Bar Final"! I attribute +the portentous fact to the Examiners having discreetly avoided all +reference to the "Rule in SHELLEY's Case." + +Find that the Students who are going to be "called within the Bar," +have to be presented to the Benchers on one special evening, after +dinner, in Hall. Ceremony rather funereal, at _my_ Inn--but not the +same at all Inns. About twenty of us summoned one by one to the +High Table; several go up before me, and as there is a big screen I +can't see what happens to them. Only--most remarkable circumstance +this--_not one of them comes back_! Have the Benchers decided to +sternly limit the numbers of the Profession? Perhaps they are "putting +in an execution." Just thinking of escape, when my name called +out. March up to Table, determined not to perish without a spirited +resistance. + +To complete the idea of its being an Execution, here is the Chaplain! +Will he say a "few last words" to the culprit--myself--prior to my +being pinioned? + +As matter of fact, Bencher at head of Table (portly old gentleman, who +looks as if he might be described as a "bottle-a-day-of-port-ly" old +gentleman) shakes hands, coldly, and that's all. Not even a Queen's +Shilling given me, as I am conducted off to another table close by. + +Mystery of disappearance of other candidates explained. Here they +are--all at this table--"all silent, and all called"! It seems that +this is the Barristers' part of the Hall, other the Students'. + +Ceremony not over yet. After dinner we are invited, all twenty, +to dessert and wine with the Benchers--or rather, at the Benchers' +expense, because we don't really see and chat with these great men, +only a single representative, who presides at table in a long bare +room downstairs, resembling a cellar. Benchers' own Common-room above. +Why don't they invite us up there? Bencher, who has come down to +preside over this entertainment, has a rather forbidding air about +him. Seems to be thinking--"I don't care much for this sort of +function. Stupid old custom. But must keep it up, I suppose, for good +of Inn; and Benchers (hang them!) have deputed _me_ to take head of +the table to-night--probably because I look so desperately lively." + +There _is_ a sort of "disinterred liveliness" (to quote Bishop +WILBERFORCE) about him, after all. Tries to joke. No doubt regards us +all as a pack of fools to join over-crowded profession--still, as we +_are_ here, he will try and forget that, in a few years, the majority +of us will probably be starving. + +After an interval, Bored Bencher thinks it necessary to rise and +make little speech. Assures us (_Query_--hyprocrisy?) that we are +all extremely likely to attain to high positions at the Bar. Says +something feebly humorous about Woolsack. Bad taste, because we can't +_all_ sit on Woolsack at once; and mention of it excites feelings of +emulation, almost of animosity, towards other new-fledged Barristers. +I am conscious, for instance, of distinct repulsion towards man on my +right, who is cracking nuts, and who must be a son or nephew of our +Chairman, judging by the familiarity with which he treats latter. +Probably his uncle will flood him with briefs--and that will be called +"making his own way in the world." Pshaw! + +Wine-and-dessert entertainment only lasts an hour. Forbidding Bencher +evidently feels that an hour is as much as he can possibly stand. So +we all depart, except the favoured nephew (or son), who, as I suspect, +"remains to prey" on his uncle (or father), and probably to be invited +in to the _real_ feast which no doubt the Inn worthies are enjoying +upstairs. + +Next morning meet a legal friend, who asks, "When are you to be +presented at Court?" + +"Presented at Court?"--I ask in surprise. + +"Yes--Court of Queen's Bench--ha! ha! You'll have to go one of these +days in wig and gown to the Q.B.D., and inscribe your name in a big +book, and bow to the Judges, and come out." + +"What's the good of doing that?" I want to know. + +"None whatever. An old custom, that's all. A sort of legal fiction, +you know." (_Query_--If a Queen's Counsel writes a novel, isn't _that_ +a real legal fiction?) "You'll feel rather like a little boy going +to a new school. Judges look at you with an air of 'I say, you new +feller, what's your name? Where do you come from? What House are +you in?--then a good kick. They can't kick you, so they glare at you +instead. Interesting ceremony. Ta, ta!" + +It turns out as my friend says. But previously there is the +other little formality of purchasing the trailing garments of the +Profession. Go to a wig-and-gown-maker near the Law Courts. Ask to see +different kinds of wigs. + +"We only make one kind," replies the wig-man, pityingly. "The Patent +Ventilating Anticalvitium. You'll find it as light as a feather, +almost. Made of superfine 'orse-'air." He says this as if he never +got his material from anything below the value of a Derby Winner. + +"Why do you call it the Anticalvitium?" I ask. + +"Because it don't make the 'air fall off, Sir, as all other wigs do." + +Do they? Another objection to the profession. Wish I had known this +before I began to grind for the Bar Exam. Wig-man measures my head. + +"Rather large size, Sir," he remarks. Says it as if I must have +water on the brain at the very least. "Middle Temple, I suppose?"--he +queries. Why? Somehow it would _sound_ more flattering if he had +supposed Inner Temple, instead of Middle. Wonder if I shall ever be +described as an "Outer barrister, of the Inner Temple, with Middling +abilities." Is there a special cut of face belonging to the Inner +Temple, another for the Middle (there _is_ a "middle cut" in salmon, +why not in the law?) and a third for Lincoln's Inn? + +Find, while I am meditating these problems, that I have been "suited" +with a gown, also with a stock of ridiculous little linen flaps, which +are called "bands." Think about "forbidding the bands," but don't know +how to. + + * * * * * + +NOTE FOR THE NEW UNIONISM. + + "Union is Strength." Let lovers of communion + Remember Strength (of language) is _not_ Union! + + * * * * * + +NEW DEFINITION OF A "FEATHER-BED FIGHTER."--A Boxer with gloves over +four ounces in weight. And anything over that, we suppose, must be +considered a "feather-weight." This gives a new significance to the +saying, "You might have knocked me down with a feather." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR M.P. MAKES A LITTLE TOUR IN IRELAND.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. TYMS HIRED A MOUNT WITH THE STAGHOUNDS, BUT QUICKLY +CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT WAS A BRUTAL SHAME TO CHASE THE POOR +DEER UP AND DOWN THOSE HORRIBLE BANKS.] + + * * * * * + +A TALE OF THE TELEPHONE. + +(_A STORY OF WHAT MAY HAPPEN SOME DAY IN GEORGE STREET, HANOVER +SQUARE._) + +There were a few minutes unoccupied before the time appointed for the +ceremony, and so the Pew-opener thought he could not do better than +point out the many excellences of the church to the Bridegroom. + +"You see, Sir," he said, "our pulpit is occupied by the best possible +talent. The Vicar takes the greatest interest in securing every rising +preacher, and thus, Sunday after Sunday, we have the most startling +orations." + +The Bridegroom (slightly bored) said that if he had happened to live +in the neighbourhood, he should certainly have taken sittings. + +"But living in the neighbourhood is not necessary, Sir," persisted the +Pew-opener. "Let into the sounding-board is a telephone, and so our +Vicar can supply the sermons preached here, hot and hot, to residents +in the London Postal District. Considering the quality of the +discourses, he charges a very low rate. The system has been largely +adopted. As a matter of fact the whole service, and not only the +pulpit, has been laid on to the principal Hotels and Clubs." + +But further conversation was here cut short by the arrival of the +Bride, who, led by her brother, advanced towards the altar with an air +of confidence that charmed all beholders. This self-possession was +the outcome of the lady being--as her grey moiré-antique indicated--a +widow. Congratulations passed round amongst the friends and relatives, +and then the bridal party was arranged in front of the good old Vicar. + +"Have you switched us on?" said he to the Clerk. + +"Yes, Sir," was the reply. "We are now in communication with all the +principal Hotels and Clubs." + +"That's right. I am always anxious that my clients shall have their +full money's-worth." And then the Vicar read with much emphasis the +exhortation to the public to declare any "just cause or impediment" to +the marriage. Naturally there was no response, and an opening hymn was +sung by the choir, which, containing some half-dozen verses, lasted +quite a quarter of an hour. At its conclusion the Vicar, who had +allowed his attention to become distracted, instead of going on with +the service, again read the exhortation. He once more gave the names +of "HARRY SMITH, bachelor," and "AMY JONES, widow." + +"If anyone knows any just cause or impediment," he continued. + +"Stop; I do!" interrupted a gentleman in a dressing-gown, who had +hurriedly entered the Church. "I heard you about a quarter of an hour +ago, while I was breakfasting at the Shaftesbury Avenue Hotel, ask the +same question, and came here without changing my coat. Very sorry to +interrupt the ceremony, but this lady is my wife! Well, AMY, how are +you?" + +"What, JOEY!" exclaimed the (now) ex-Bride, delightedly. "We _are_ +glad to see you! We thought you were dead!" + +Then the gentleman in the dressing-gown was heartily greeted on all +sides. He seemed to be a very popular personage. + +"But where do I come in?" asked Mr. BROWN, the ex-Bridegroom, who had, +during this scene, shown signs of embarrassment. + +"O JOEY, I quite forgot to introduce you to HARRY," said the ex-Bride. +"You must know one another. I was going to marry him when you, +darling, turned up just in the nick of time, like a dear good old +boy!" + +"Delighted to make your acquaintance, Sir," said Mr. JONES, shaking +Mr. BROWN warmly by the hand. "And now I must go back to finish my +breakfast!" + +"Yes, with me," said the ex-Bride. "You must sit, darling, in the seat +intended for poor HARRY. I know you won't mind, HARRY (or, perhaps, I +ought to call you Mr. BROWN now?), as I have _so_ much to say to dear +JOEY. And you can have your breakfast at a side-table--now won't you, +just to please me? You always are _so_ kind and considerate!" + +And, as the wedding-party left the Church, the Clerk hastily +unswitched the electric communication. + +"Be quiet, Sir!" he whispered, sternly, to Mr. BROWN, who had been +talking to himself. "If our clients heard you, we should be ruined! We +guarantee that our telephonic supply shall be perfectly free from bad +language!" + + * * * * * + +PROPHET AND LOSS.--Good Mussulmen, so it is said, object to a play +entitled _Mahomet_ being produced in London. The objection was +successful in Paris. London Managers (except, perhaps, Sheriff +DRURIOLANUS, who revived _Le Prophete_ this season) will be on the +side of the objectors, as they would rather have to do with a genuine +profit than a fictitious one. Perhaps the non-production of _Mahomet_ +may be a loss to Literature and the Drama. + + * * * * * + +A BACHELOR'S IDYL. + + I am not married, but I see + No life so pleasant as my own; + I think it's good for man to be + Alone. + + Some marry not who once have been-- + A curious process--crossed in love, + Who find a life's experience in + A glove; + + Or else will sentimental grow + At recollections of a dance; + But, luckily for me, I've no + Romance. + + Of course I know "love in a cot,"-- + The little wife who calls you "hub,"-- + But I'm content whilst I have got + My Club. + + In some fine way, I don't know how, + Some fool, some idiot, who lacks + A grain of sense, proposes now + A tax. + + A Tax on Bachelors! Ah, well, + If this becomes the law's decree, + I cheerfully shall pay the _L._ + _S.D._, + + Quite happy with my single lot, + Convinced beyond a doubt that life + Is just worth living it you've not + A wife. + + (A LITTLE LATER.) + + [Illustration] + + I'll sing exaltedly no more, + But sadly in a minor key + Will tell what fortune had in store + For me. + + I rather think, the other day, + That someone asked, "Should women woo?" + I'll answer that without delay-- + They do! + + She came--I foolishly was glad-- + She took me captive with a glance, + Of course I never really had + A chance. + + And when she bent her pretty head + To ask the question, I confess + That what at once with joy I said + Was "Yes." + + She says our wedding is to be + On Monday--quite a swell affair. + My wife and I shall hope to see + You there. + + * * * * * + +"IS THIS THE HEND?" + +The following, headed _Scottish Leader_, was sent to us as a +quotation:-- + + "The Duke of FIFE has sold the estate of Eden, near Banff, + to Mr. THOMAS ADAM, Deputy Chairman of the Great North of + Scotland Railway Company." + +If the above information be correct, this transfer of "Eden" to "ADAM" +looks uncommonly like "Paradise Regained." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Learned Baron.] + +The Baron must say a word about _Voces Populi_, by F. ANSTEY, author +of the immortal _Vice Versâ_. That the series contained in this +volume appeared in _Mr. Punch's_ pages is sufficient guarantee for +the excellence of its quality, and more than this it would not become +the Baron to say; but of the illustrations by J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE +the Baron can speak--and speak in terms of the highest admiration +of them--as works of genuinely artistic humour. There are twenty +illustrations, that is, ten brace of Partridges, if he will allow the +Baron so far to make game of him. The book is published by LONGMANS, +GREEN & Co. + +The Leadenhall Press has brought out, in Pocket form, _Prince Dorus_, +by CHARLES LAMB, with nine coloured illustrations, following the +original Edition of 1811. The lines are not very Lamb-like, but the +illustrations are very quaint, and the Pocket Volume is a curiosity of +literature. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +A REALLY VALUABLE SUGGESTION. + +(_TO THE EDITOR OF PUNCH._) + +DEAR SIR,--As the conductor of the recognised organ of the legal +profession, I have the honour to address you. My learned and +accomplished friend. Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C., complained the other +day that there was a right of appeal from the Police Court to the +Bench of Middlesex Magistrates. He said that his colleagues were +barristers and gentlemen of considerable eminence, and in those +characters were better able to decide upon the merits of a case +than the persons who compose the Tribunal to which appeal from their +decision is permissible. I have not recently looked through the list +of Metropolitan Police Magistrates, but, if they have been chosen from +the ranks of literature and law, as they were thirty years ago, I can +well understand that they are an exceedingly capable body of men. +That so accomplished a _littérateur_ and admirable an advocate as my +friend Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS himself should have been raised to the +Magisterial bench, is a proof that the standard has been maintained. +But, Sir, can nothing be done for the other tribunal? + +Would it not be possible to appoint a certain proportion of +stipendiaries, with ample salaries, to that body? What is wanted are +men with a perfect knowledge of the law, and a large experience of +the adversities as well as the pleasures of life. If they occasionally +dabble in literature, so much the better. But, it may be said, where +are such men to be found? I answer, in very many places, and, to +encourage the authorities in their search, shall be most happy to +personally head the list. + +Yours, very faithfully, + +(_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. _Pump-handle Court, Oct. 4th, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +THE GROAN OF THE GUSHLESS. + +(_A SONG À LA SHENSTONE._) + + ["What is described as an Anti-Gush Society has, according + to a Pittsburg paper, been formed in New York, its object + being to check the growing tendency, especially noticeable + among young people of the period, to express themselves in + exaggerated language."] + +_Girl Member of the A.G.S. loq._:-- + + Ye maidens, so cheerful and gay, + Whose words ever fulsomely fall, + Oh, pity your friend, who to-day + Has become a Society's thrall. + Allow me to muse and to sigh, + Nor talk of the change that ye find; + None once was more happy than I; + But, alas! I've left Gushing behind! + + [Illustration] + + Now I know what it is to have strove[1] + With the tortures of verbal desire. + I must use measured terms, where I love, + And be moderate, when I admire. + No slang must my diction adorn, + I must never say "awfully swell." + Alas! I feel flat and forlorn, + I have bidden Girl-Gushing farewell! + + Since I put down my name in that book + I have never called bonnets "divine," + For our Sec. with a soul-shaking look, + Would be down on your friend with a fine. + So the milliners now I pass by; + Though dearly they pleased me of yore; + If a girl musn't gush, squirm, and sigh, + Even shopping becomes quite a bore. + + For "gorgeous" I languish in vain, + And I pine for a "love"--and a "dear." + Oh! why did I vow to be plain-- + In my speech? It sounds awfully queer! + Stop! "Awfully" is not allowed. + Though it _will_ slip out sometimes, I own. + Oh, I might as well sit in my shroud, + As use moderate language alone. + + To force us fair nymphs to forego + The hyperbole dear to our heart, + And the slang without which speech is "slow," + Is to make us a "people apart." + Oh, to say (without fines) "quite too-too!" + For dear "awfully jolly" I yearn. + I would "chuck" all my friends, sweet--save you-- + To the pathways of Gush to return. + + Eh? "_Chuck_" did I say? That is Slang! + And "_Sweet_?" That's decidedly Gush! + Oh, let the A.G.S. go hang! + My old love returns with a rush. + It is "gorgeous" once more to be free, + O'er a frock or a first night to glow. + Come to-morrow! Go shopping with me, + _Ownest own_--and we'll gush as we go! + +[Footnote 1: SHENSTONE, not _Mr. Punch_, is responsible for the +peccant participle.] + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN NELSON MOTTO.--At the Church Congress. Lord NELSON +expressed a strong desire for the union of Dissenters with Churchmen. +If his Lordship's reading of the old Nelsonian motto is "England +expects that every clergyman (Dissenter or Churchman) should do +somebody else's duty," then England will have to wait a considerable +time for the Utopian realisation of this pious wish. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., October 11, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12467-8.txt or 12467-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12467/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., October 11, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12467] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 11, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page169" + id="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span> + + <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. XX.—THE DIVORCÉE.</h3> + + <p>The Court over which Sir JAMES HANNEN presides was + instituted for the purification of morals by the separation of + ill-assorted couples. Matrimonial errors, which had hitherto + stood upon the level of political grievances, capable of + redress only after the careful and unbiassed attention of + British legislators had been, at much expense both of time and + money, devoted to them, were henceforth to form the subject of + a special procedure in a division of the Courts of Law created + for the purpose, and honestly calculated to bring separation + and divorce within the reach even of the most modest incomes. + The tyrant man, as usual, favoured himself by the rules he laid + down for the playing of the game. For whereas infidelity on the + part of the wife is held to be, in itself, a sufficient cause + for pronouncing a decree in favour of the husband, a kind, + though constantly unfaithful husband, is protected from + divorce, and only punished by separation from the wife he has + wronged. It is necessary for a man to add either cruelty or + desertion to his other offence, in order that his wife may + obtain from the laws of her country the opportunity of marrying + someone else. But the wit of woman has proved equal to the + emergency. Nowhere, it may be safely stated, have more tales of + purely imaginative atrocity been listened to with greater + attention, or with more favourable results, than in the Divorce + Court. On an incautious handshake a sprained wrist and an arm + bruised into all the colours of the rainbow have been not + infrequently grafted. A British imprecation, and a banged door, + have often become floods of invective and a knock-down blow; + and a molehill of a pinch has, under favourable cultivation, + been developed into a mountain of ill-treatment, on the top of + which a victorious wife has in the end, triumphantly planted + the banner of freedom.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/169.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/169.png" + alt="The Divorcée." /></a> + </div> + + <p>Hence the Divorce Court, after some years of suspicion, has + gradually come to be looked upon as one of the sacred + institutions of the country. And, speaking generally, those who + make use of its facilities, however much certain of the more + strait-laced may frown, are considered by society at large to + have done a thing which is surprisingly right and often + enviable. The result at any rate is that the number of the + divorced increases year by year, and that a lady whose failings + have been established against her by a judicial decree, may be + quite sure of a hand of ardent sympathisers of both sexes, + amongst whom she can hold her head as high as her inclination + prompts her without exciting a larger number of spiteful + comments than are allotted to her immaculate and undecreed + sisters. She may not have been able to abide the question of + the Counsel who cross-examined her, but she is certainly free, + even in a wider sense than before. She may not, perhaps, stand + on so lofty a social pinnacle as the merely-separated lady + whose husband still lives, and to whose male friends the fact + that she in practically husbandless, and at the same time + disabled from marriage, gives a delightful sense both of zest + and security. On the other hand, the separated lady must be to + a certain extent circumspect, lest she should place a weapon + for further punishment in the hands of her husband. But to the + Divorcée all things apparently, are permitted.</p> + + <p>When she left the Court in which, to use her own words, "all + her budding hopes had been crushed by the triumph of + injustice," the beautiful Divorcée (for in order to be + truly typical the Divorcée is necessarily beautiful) + might have proceeded immediately to plant them afresh in the + old soil. The various gentlemen who had sustained their + reputation as men of honour by tampering on her behalf and on + their own, with the strict letter of the truth, naturally felt + that the boldness of their denials entitled them to her lasting + regard, and showed themselves ready to aid her with their + counsel. But, though she never ceased to protest her innocence + of all that had been laid to her charge and proved against her, + she was sufficiently sensible to give them to understand that + for a time, at least, her path in the world would be easier if + they ceased to accompany her. They accepted the sentence of + banishment with a good grace, knowing perfectly well that it + was not for long. The Divorcée then withdrew from the + flaming placards of the daily papers, on which she had figured + during the past week, and betook herself to the seclusion of + her bijou residence in the heart of the most fashionable + quarter. Here she pondered for a short time upon the doubtful + unkindness of fate which had deprived her of a husband whom she + despised, and of a home which his presence had made + insupportable. But she soon roused herself to face her new lack + of responsibility, and to enjoy it. At first, she moved + cautiously. There were numerous sympathisers who urged her to + defy the world, such as it is, and to show herself everywhere + entirely careless of what people might say. Such conduct might + possibly have been successful, but the Divorcée foresaw + a possible risk to her reputation, and abstained. She began, + therefore, by making her public appearances infrequent. In + company with the devoted widow, whose evidence had almost saved + her from an adverse verdict, she arranged placid tea-parties at + which the casual observer might have imagined that the rules of + social decorum were more strictly enforced than in the + household of an archbishop. Inquiry, however, might have + revealed the fact that a large proportion of the ladies present + at these gatherings had either shaken off the matrimonial + shackles, or proposed to do so, whether as plaintiffs or as + defendants, whenever a favourable opportunity presented itself. + The men, too, who were, after a time, admitted to these staid + feasts, were not altogether archiepiscopal, though they behaved + as they were dressed, quite irreproachably. To counter-balance + them to some extent, the Divorcée determined to secure + the presence and the countenance of a clergyman.</p> + + <p>After some search, she discovered one who was enthusiastic, + deficient in worldly knowledge, and susceptible. To him she + related her own private version of her wrongs, which she + seasoned with quite a pretty flow of tears. The amiable cleric + yielded without a struggle, and readily placed at her service + the protection of his white tie. Thus strengthened, she moved + forward a little further. She revisited theatres; she was heard + of at Clubs; she shone again at dinner-parties, and in a year + or so had organised for herself a social circle which entirely + satisfied her desires. Sometimes she even allowed herself to + dabble in good works. She was accused of having written a + religious poem for a serious Magazine; but all that was ever + proved against her was, that a remarkable series of articles on + <i>The Homes of the Poor</i> bore traces of a style that was + said to be hers. Evil tongues still whispered in corners, and + cynics were heard to scoff occasionally; but the larger world, + which abhors cynics, and only believes what is good, began to + smile upon her. She did not appear to value its + smiles,—but they were useful. Whenever London tired her, + she flitted to Paris, or to the Riviera, or even to Egypt or + Algiers. She subscribed to charities, and acted in Amateur + Theatricals. Finally, she married a gentleman who was believed + by his friends to be a poet, and who certainly qualified for + the title by the romance he had woven about her. With him she + lived for many years a poetic and untrammelled existence, and, + when she died, many dowagers sent wreaths as tokens of their + sorrow at the loss of an admirable woman.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>VERSES FOR A VIOLINIST.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The violin has now fairly taken its place as an + instrument for girls."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In old days of Art the painter much applause would + surely win,</p> + + <p>When he showed us Saint Cecilia playing on the + violin.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've no skill of brush and palette like those + unforgotten men;</p> + + <p>My Cecilia must content herself with an unworthy + pen.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fairy fingers flash before me as the bow sweeps o'er + each string;</p> + + <p>Like the organ's <i>vox humana</i>, Hark! the + instrument can sing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That <i>sonata</i> of TARTINI's in my ears will + linger long;</p> + + <p>It might be some <i>prima donna</i> scaling all the + heights of song.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Every string a different language speaks beneath her + skilful sway.</p> + + <p>Does the shade of PAGANINI hover over her + to-day?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All can feel the passion throbbing through the music + fraught with pain:</p> + + <p>Then, with feminine mutation, comes a soft and + tender strain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Gracious curve of neck, and fiddle tucked 'neath + that entrancing chin—</p> + + <p>Fain with you would I change places, O thrice happy + violin!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page170" + id="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE TOURNEY.</h2>["Golf is superseding + Lawn-Tennis."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.]<a href="images/170.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/170.png" + alt="The Tourney." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Champions are mounted, a wonderful pair,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the boldest who sees them must e'en + hold his breath.</p> + + <p>Their breastplates and greaves glitter bright in the + air;</p> + + <p class="i2">They have sworn ere they met they would + fight to the death.</p> + + <p>And the heart of the Queen of the Tournament + sinks</p> + + <p>At the might of Sir GOLF, the Red Knight of the + Links.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But her Champion, Sir TENNIS, the Knight of the + Lawn,</p> + + <p class="i2">At the throne of the lady who loves him + bows low:</p> + + <p>He fears not the fight, for his racket is drawn,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he spurs his great steed as he + charges the foe.</p> + + <p>And the sound of his war-cry is heard in the + din,</p> + + <p>"Fifteen, thirty, forty, deuce, vantage, I win!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the Red Knight, Sir GOLF, smiles a smile that is + grim,</p> + + <p class="i2">And a flash as of triumph has mantled his + cheek;</p> + + <p>And he shouts, "I would scorn to be vanquished by + <i>him</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">With my driver, my iron, my niblick and + cleek.</p> + + <p>Now, TENNIS, I have thee; I charge from the Tee,</p> + + <p>To the deuce with thy racket, thy scoring, and + thee!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the ladies all cry, "Oh, Sir TENNIS, our + own,</p> + + <p class="i2">Drive him back whence he came to his + bunkers and gorse."</p> + + <p>And the men shake their heads, for Sir TENNIS seems + blown,</p> + + <p class="i2">There are cracks in his armour, and + wounds on his horse.</p> + + <p>But the Umpire, Sir PUNCH, as he watches says, + "Pooh!</p> + + <p>Let them fight and be friends; <i>there is room for + the two</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page171" + id="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span> + + <h2>A LAMB-LIKE GAMBOL.</h2> + + <p>Some little time ago we noticed with great satisfaction, + that the Committee of the Sunday School Union had advertised in + the <i>Athenæum</i> for the "best Tale on Gambling," for + which they were anxious to pay One Hundred Pounds sterling. The + principal "condition" that the C.S.S.U. attached to their + competition was that "the tale must be drawn as far as possible + from actual life, and must vividly depict the evils of + gambling, setting forth its ruinous effects sociably and + morally on the young people of our land." Perhaps the following + short story may serve as a model to the candidates. This + romance must be considered "outside the competition." Here it + is.</p> + + <h3>PLEASANT POVERTY BETTER THAN WICKED WEALTH!</h3> + + <p>PETER was a good boy. He went to Sunday school regularly, + and always took off his hat to his superiors—he so + objected to gambling that he never called them "betters." One + day PETER found a sovereign, and fearing, lest it might be a + gilded jubilee shilling, decided to spend it upon himself, + rather than run the risk of possibly causing the Police to put + it in circulation, under the impression that it was a coin of + the higher value. He spent ten shillings on a ticket to + Boulogne-sur-Mer, and with the remaining half-sovereign played + at <i>Chemin de Fer</i> at the Casino. And, alas! this was his + first straying from the path of virtue. Unfortunately he was + most unlucky (from a moral point of view) in his venture, + leaving the tables with a sum exceeding forty pounds. Feeling + reluctant that money so ill-gained should remain for very long + in his possession, he spent a large slice of it in securing a + ticket for Monte Carlo.</p> + + <p>Arrived at this dreadful place he backed Zero fifteen times + running, was unhappy enough to break the bank, and retired to + rest with over ten thousand pounds. He now decided, that he had + best return to England, where he felt sure he would be safe + from further temptation.</p> + + <p>When he was once more in London, he could not make up his + mind whether he should contribute his greatly scorned fortune + to the Committee of the Sunday School Union, or plank his last + dollar on a rank outsider for a place in the Derby. From a + feeling of delicacy, he adopted the latter course, and was + indescribably shocked to pull off his fancy at Epsom. Thinking + that the Committee of the same useful body would refuse to + receive money obtained under such painful circumstances, he + plunged deeply on the Stock Exchange, and again added + considerably to his much-hated store. It was at this period in + his history that he married, and then the punishment he had so + justly merited overtook him. His wife was a pushing young + woman, whose great delight was to see her name in the Society + papers. This pleasure she managed to secure by taking a large + house, and giving costly entertainments to all sorts and + conditions of individuals. Poor PETER soon found this mode of + life intolerably wearisome. He now never knew an hour's peace, + until one day he determined to run away from home, leaving in + the hands of his wife all that he possessed. His absence made + no perceptible difference in Mrs. PETER's <i>ménage</i>. + It was generally supposed that he was living abroad. However, + on one winter night there was a large gathering at his wife's + house, and, it being very cold, the guests eagerly availed + themselves of the services of the linkman, who had told himself + off to fetch their carriages.</p> + + <p>And, when everyone was gone, the poor linkman asked the + mistress of the house for some broken victuals.</p> + + <p>"Good gracious!" exclaimed that Lady, "if it isn't my + husband! What do you mean, PETER, by so disgracing me?"</p> + + <p>"Disgrace you!—not I!" returned PETER. "No one + recognises me. Of all the guests that throng my house, and eat + my suppers, I don't believe there is a solitary individual who + knows me by sight."</p> + + <p>And PETER was right. Ah, how much better would it have been + had PETER remained at school, and not found that sovereign! Had + he remained at school, he would some day have acquired a mass + of information that would have been of immense assistance to + him when his father died, and he succeeded to the paternal + broom, and the right of sweep over the family + street-crossing!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/171.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/171.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>TOO MUCH GENIUS.</h3> + + <p><i>Poet</i>. "OH—A—I ALWAYS WRITE MY POEMS + RIGHT OFF, WITHOUT ANY CORRECTIONS, YOU KNOW, AND SEND THEM + STRAIGHT TO THE PRINTER. I NEVER LOOK AT 'EM A SECOND + TIME."</p> + + <p><i>Critic</i>. "NO MORE DO YOUR READERS, MY BOY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + + <p>OSTRICH "FARMING."—We are afraid we cannot give you + any sound or useful information to assist you in your project + of keeping an ostrich-farm in a retired street in Bayswater; + but that you should have already received a consignment of + fifty "fine, full-grown birds," and managed, with the aid of + five railway porters, and all the local police available, to + get them from the van in which they arrived up two flights of + stairs, and locate them temporarily in your back drawing-room, + augurs at least for a good start to your undertaking. That + three should have escaped, and, after severely kicking the + Vicar, who happened to be dining with you, terrified the whole + neighbourhood, and effected an entrance into an adjacent + public-house, where they appear to have done a good deal of + damage to the glass and crockery, upsetting a ten-gallon cask + of gin, and frightening the barmaid into a fit of hysterics, + being only finally captured by the device of getting a + coal-sack over their heads, was, after all, but a slight + <i>contretemps</i>, and not one to be taken into account when + measured against the grand fact that you have got <i>all your + birds safely lodged for the night</i>. A little arnica, and a + fortnight in bed, will, in all probability, set the Vicar all + right. With regard to their food, we should advise you to + continue the tinned lobster and muffins, which they seem to + relish. You appear to be alarmed at their swallowing the tins. + There is no occasion for any anxiety on this point, the tin, + doubtless, serving as the proverbial "digestive" pebble with + which all birds, we believe, accompany a hearty meal. We fear + we cannot enlighten you as to how you make your profits out of + an ostrich-farm; but, speaking at random, we should say they + would probably arise by pulling the feathers out of the tails + of the birds and selling them to Court Milliners. Your idea of + trying them in harness in a Hansom seems to have something in + it. Turn it over, by all means. Meantime, get a Shilling + Handbook on the Management of the Ostrich. We think you will + have to cover in your garden with a tarpaulin as you suggest. + You cannot expect the fifty birds to stay for ever in your back + drawing-room; and the fact that you mention, of their having + already kicked down and eaten one folding-door, is significant. + They will be escaping from your balcony all over the + neighbourhood if you do not take care to secure them; and as + they seem fresh, very aggressive, and strong in the leg, such a + catastrophe might lead you into a good deal of unpleasantness. + Take our advice, and get them downstairs, tight under a stout + tarpaulin, as soon as possible.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page172" + id="page172"></a>[pg 172]</span> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Handbook to Honesty.</i></h4> + + <h3>No. I.—"I'M MONARCH OF ALL I <i>SURVEY</i>!"</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Interior of newly-erected building. + Present, the</i> Builder <i>and a</i> Surveyor, <i>the + former looking timidly foxy, the latter knowingly pompous, + and floridly self-important;</i> Builder, <i>in dusty suit + of dittoes, carries one hand in his breeches-pocket, where + he chinks certain metallic substances—which may be + coins or keys—nervously and intermittently</i>. + Surveyor, <i>a burly mass of broadcloth and big + watch-chain, carries an intimidating note-book, and a + menacing pencil, making mems. in a staccato and stabbing + fashion, which is singularly nerve-shaking.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>speaking with his pencil in his + mouth</i>). Well, Mister—er—er—WOTSERNAME, + I—er—think—'m, 'm, 'm—things seem to be + <i>pretty</i> right as far's I can see; though of + course—</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>hastily</i>). Oh, I assure you I've taken + the <i>greatest</i> pains to conform to—er—rules + in—er—in <i>every</i> way; though if there + <i>should</i> be any little thing that ketches your eye, why, + you've only to—</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/172.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/172.png" + alt="Builder and Surveyor." /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i>. Oh, of course, of course! <i>We</i> know + all about that. You see <i>I</i> can only go by rule. What's + right's right; what's wrong's wrong; that's about the size of + it. <i>I've</i> nothing to do with it, one way or another, + except to see the law carried out.</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i>. Ex-ack-ly! However, if you've seen all you + want to, we may as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," + and—</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>suddenly</i>). By the way, I suppose + this wall is properly underpinned?</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>nervously</i>). Well—er—not + exackly—but, 'er, 'er—well, the fact is I + thought—</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>sternly</i>). What you <i>thought</i>, + Sir, doesn't affect the matter. The question is, what the + Building Act <i>says</i>. The whole thing must come down!</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i>. But, I say, that'll run me into ten pounds, + at least, and really the thing's as safe as—</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i>. Maybe, maybe—in fact, I don't say it + isn't. But the Act says it's got to be done.</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i>. Well, well, if there's no help for it, I + must <i>do</i> it, of course.</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>looking somehow disappointed</i>). Very + sorry, of course, but you see what must be must.</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i> (<i>sadly</i>). Yes, yes, no doubt. Well + (<i>brightening</i>), anyhow, we may as well step over to the + "Crown and Thistle," and crack a bottle of champagne.</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>also brightening</i>). Well, ours is a + dusty job, and I don't care if I do.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They do so</i>. Surveyor <i>drinks his full share of + Heidsieck, and smokes a cigar of full size and flavour. He + and</i> Builder <i>exchange reminiscences concerning past + professional experiences, the "tricks of trade," diverse + devices for "dodging the Act," &c., &c.</i> + Surveyor <i>explains how stubborn builders ("not like</i> + you, <i>you know"), who don't do the thing handsome, often + suffer by having to run themselves to expenses that might + have been avoided—and serve 'em right too! Also, how + others, without a temper above "tips," and of a generally + gentlemanly tone of mind, save themselves lots of little + extras, which, maybe, the letter of the law would exact, + but which a</i> Surveyor <i>of sense and good feeling can + get over, "and no harm done, neither, to nobody." As the + wine circulates, it is noticeable that good-fellowship + grows almost boisterous, and facetiousness mellows into + chuckling cynicism of the winking, waggish, "we all do it" + sort.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>tossing off last glass, and smacking his + lips</i>). Well, well, the best of friends must part, and I + guess I must be toddling. Very glad to have met you, I'm sure, + and a better bit of building than yours yonder I haven't seen + for some time. Seems a pity, hanged if it don't, that you + should have to put yourself to such an additional + outlay—ah, by the way, <i>what</i> did you say it would + cost you?</p> + + <p><i>Builder</i>. Oh, about ten pounds, I suppose.</p> + + <p><i>Surveyor</i> (<i>lighting another cigar</i>). Humph! + (<i>Puff' puff!</i>) Pity—pity! (<i>Puff! puff!</i>) Now + look here, my boy—(<i>confidentially</i>)—suppose + you and me just divide that tenner between us, five to you, and + five to me; and, as to the "underpinning"—well, nobody'll + be a bit the wiser, and the building won't be a halfpenny the + worse, <i>I'll</i> bet my boots. Come, is it a bargain?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>After a little beating about the bush, the little + "job" is arranged amicably, on the practical basis of "a + fiver each, and mum's the word on both sides," thus evading + the law, saving the</i> Builder <i>a few pounds, and + supplementing the salary of the</i> Surveyor. <i>Ulterior + results, unsanitary or otherwise, do not come within the + compass of this sketch.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>STRANGER THAN FICTION!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Postmarks—Leeds, Hull, and Elsewhere.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Mr. Punch was assisting at a Congress. The large room in + which that Congress was being held was crowded, and + consequently the heat was oppressive. The speeches, too, were + not particularly interesting, and the Sage became drowsy. It + was fortunate, therefore, that a fair maiden in a classical + garb (who suddenly appeared seated beside him) should have + addressed him. The interruption reassembled in their proper + home his wandering senses.</p> + + <p>"I fear, <i>Mr. Punch</i>," said the fair maiden, looking at + herself in a small mirror which she was holding in her right + hand, "that you are inclined to go to sleep."</p> + + <p>"Well, I am," replied the Sage, with unaccountable + bluntness; "truth to tell, these orations about nothing in + particular, spouted by persons with an imperfect knowledge of, + I should say, almost any subject, bore me."</p> + + <p>"The information is unnecessary," observed the young lady; + with a smile. "I share your feelings. But if you will be so + kind as to pay a little attention to the speakers while they + are under my influence, I think you will discover a new + interest in their utterances."</p> + + <p>"Are you an hypnotist, Madam?" asked <i>Mr. Punch</i>.</p> + + <p>"Well, not exactly. But, when I have the chance, I can make + people speak the Truth."</p> + + <p>Then <i>Mr. Punch</i> listened, and was surprised at the + strange things that next happened.</p> + + <p>"I wish to be perfectly frank with you," said a gentleman on + the platform; "I am here because I wish to see my name in the + papers, and all the observations I have made up to date have + been addressed to the reporters. I am glad I can control my + thoughts, because I would not for worlds let you know the + truth. It is my ambition to figure as a philanthropist, and on + my word, I think this is the cheapest and most effective mode + of carrying out my intention."</p> + + <p>Then the gentleman resumed his seat with a smile that + suggested that he was under the impression that he had just + delivered himself of sentiments bound to extort universal + admiration.</p> + + <p>"That is not exactly my case," observed a second speaker, + "because I do not care two pins for anything save the + entertainments which are invariably associated with scientific + research, or philanthropical inquiry. I pay my guinea, after + considerable delay, and then expect to take out five times that + amount in grudgingly bestowed, but competitionally provoked (if + I may be pardoned the expression) hospitality. I attend a + portion—a small portion—of a lecture, and then + hurry off to the nearest free luncheon, or gratuitous dinner, + in the neighbourhood. I should be a tax upon my friends if I + dropped in at half-past one, or at a quarter to eight, + punctually, and my motives would be too wisely interpreted to a + desire on my part to reduce the sum total of my butcher's book. + So I merely drop in upon a place where a Congress is being + held, and make the most of my membership."</p> + + <p>"These startling statements are decidedly unconventional," + said <i>Mr. Punch</i>, turning towards his fair companion, "and + that your influence should cause them to be made, astounds me. + I trust you will not consider me indiscreet if I ask + for—"</p> + + <p>"My name and address," returned the fair maiden, smilingly, + completing the sentence; "Learn, then, that I live at the + bottom of a well, to which rather damp resting-place I am about + to return; and that in England I am called Truth."</p> + + <p>And as the lady disappeared, <i>Mr. Punch</i> fell from his + chair, and awoke!</p> + + <p>"Dear me, I have been dreaming!" exclaimed the Sage, as he + left the meeting. "Well, as everyone knows, dreams are not in + the least like reality! But the strangest thing of all was to + find Truth in a Congress!"</p> + + <p>And it was strange, indeed.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page173" + id="page173"></a>[pg 173]</span> + + <h2>AT THE THEATRE!</h2> + + <h4><i>The Lyceum again. The Haymarket once more.</i></h4> + + <p>"Great Scott!" we exclaim,—not Critical CLEMENT of + that ilk, but Sir WALTER,—on again seeing + <i>Ravenswood</i>. Since then an alteration in the <i>modus + shootendi</i> has been made, and <i>Edgar</i> no longer takes a + pot-shot at the bull from the window, but, ascertaining from + <i>Sir William Ashton Bishop</i> that <i>Ellen Lucy Terry</i> + is being Terryfied by an Irish bull which has got mixed up with + the Scotch "herd without," <i>Henry Edgar Irving</i> rushes + off, gun in hand; then the report of the gun is, like the + Scotch oxen, also "<i>heard</i> without," and <i>Henry</i> + reappears on the scene, having saved <i>Ellen Lucy Ashton</i> + by reducing the fierce bull to potted beef.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/173.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/173.png" + alt="Mr. Punch at the Theatre." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"What shall he have who kills the bull?" "The Dear! the + Dear!" meaning, of course, <i>Ellen Lucy Ashton</i> aforesaid. + After this all goes well. Acting excellent all round—or + nearly all round, the one exception being, however, the very + much "all-round" representative of <i>Lady Ashton</i>, whose + misfortune it is to have been selected for this particular + part. Scenery lovely, and again and again must HAWES MCCHAVEN + be congratulated on the beautiful scene of The Mermaiden's Well + (never better, in fact), Act III. The love-making bit in this + Act is charming, and the classic Sibyl, <i>Ailsie</i>, superb. + Nothing in stage effect within our memory has equalled the + pathos of the final <i>tableau</i>. It is most touching through + its extreme simplicity.</p> + + <p>The Haymarket has re-opened with the odd mixture of the + excellent French <i>Abbé Constantin</i> and the weak, + muddle-headed, Tree-and-Grundy-ised "village Priest," known as + the <i>Abbé Dubois</i>, or "<i>Abbé Do Bore</i>," + as 'ARRY might call him. Changes are in contemplation, and may + have been already announced. Whatever they may be, it is some + consolation to learn that this Tree-and-Grundy-ised French + Abbé is not likely to be a "perpetual Curate."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. II.—BURRA MURRA BOKO.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By</i> KIPPIERD HERRING, <i>Author of "Soldiers' Tea," + "Over the Darodees," "Handsome Heads on the Valets," "More + Black than White," "Experimental Dittos," &c., + &c.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[NOTE.—The MS. of this story arrived from India by + pneumatic despatch, a few puffs having been apparently + sufficient. In a letter which was enclosed with it the + author modestly apologises for its innumerable merits. + "But," he adds, "I have several hundred of the same sort in + stock, and can supply them at a moment's notice. Kindly + send £1000 in Bank of England notes, by registered + letter, to K. HERRING. No farther address will be + required."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Polla dan anta cat anta.</i> What will you have, Sahib? + My heart is made fat, and my eyes run with the water of joy. + <i>Kni vestog rind. Scis sorstog rind</i>, the Sahib is as a + brother to the needy, and the afflicted at the sound of his + voice become as a warming-pan in a <i>fôr postah</i>. + Ahoo! Ahoo! I have lied unto the Sahib. <i>Mi ais an dlims</i>, + I am a servant of sin. <i>Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra + Boko!</i></p> + + <p>There came a sound in the night as of an elephant-herd + trumpeting in anger, and my liver was dissolved, and the heart + within me became as a <i>Patoph But'ah</i> under the noon-day + sun. I made haste, for there was fear in the air, Sahib, and + the <i>Pleez Mahn</i> that walketh by night was upon me. But, + oh, Sahib, the cunning of the serpent was with me, and as he + passed I tripped him up, and the raging river received him. + Twice he rose, and the gleam of his eyes spake in vain for + help. And at last there came a bubble where the man had been, + and he was seen no more. <i>Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra + Boko!</i></p> + + <p>That night I spake unto her as she stood in the moonlight. + "Oh, sister of an oil-jar, and daughter of pig-troughs, what is + it thou hast done?" And she, laughing, spake naught in reply, + but gave me the <i>Tcheke Slahp</i> of her tribe, and her + fingers fell upon my face, and my teeth rattled within my + mouth. But I, for my blood was made hot within me, sped swiftly + from her, making no halt, and the noise of fifty thousand + devils was in my ears, and the rage of the <i>Smâk + duns</i> burnt fierce within the breast of me, and my tongue + was as a fresh fig that grows upon a southern wall. + <i>Auggrh!</i> pass me the peg, for my mouth is dry. <i>Burra + Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!</i> Then came the Yunkum Sahib, + and the Bunkum Sahib, and they spake awhile together. But I, + like unto a <i>Brerra-bit</i>, lay low, and my breath came + softly, and they knew not that I watched them as they spake. + And they joked much together, and told each to the other how + that the wives of their friends were to them as mice in the + sight of the crouching <i>Tabbikat</i>, and that the honour of + a man was as sand, that is blown afar by the storm-wind of the + desert, which maketh blind the faithful, and stoppeth their + mouths. Such are all of them, Sahib, since I that speak unto + you know them for what they are, and thus I set forth the tale + that all men may read, and understand. <i>Burra Murra Boko! + Burra Murra Boko!</i></p> + + <p>'"Twas the most ondacint bedivilmint ever I set eyes on, + Sorr. There was I, blandandhering widout"—</p> + + <p>"Pardon me," I said, "this is rather puzzling. A moment back + you were a Mahajun of Puli, in Marwur, or a Delhi Pathan, or a + Wali Dad, or something of that sort, and now you seem to have + turned into an Irishman. Can you tell me how it is done?"</p> + + <p>"Whist, ye oncivilised, backslidhering pagin!" said my + friend, Private O'RAMMIS, for it was indeed he. "Hould on there + till I've tould ye. Fwhat was I sayin'? Eyah, eyah, them was + the bhoys for the dhrink. When the sun kem out wid a blink in + his oi, an' the belly-band av his new shoot tied round him, + there was PORTERS and ATHUS lyin' mixed up wid the brandy-kegs, + and the houl of the rigimint tearin' round like all the divils + from hell bruk loose.</p> + + <p>"Thin I knew there'd be thrubble, for ye must know, Sorr, + there was a little orf'cer bhoy cryin' as tho' his little heart + was breakin', an' the Colonel's wife's sister, wid her + minowderin' voice—"</p> + + <p>"Look here, O'RAMMIS," I said, "I don't like to stop you; + but isn't it just a trifle rash—I mean," I added hastily, + for I saw him fingering his bayonet, "is it quite as wise as it + might be to use up all your materials at once? Besides, I seem + to have met that little Orf'cer bhoy and the Colonel's wife's + sister before. I merely mention it as a friend."</p> + + <p>"You let 'im go, Sir," put in PORTERS, with his cockney + accent. "Lor, Sir, TERENCE knows bloomin' well wot 'e's torkin' + about, an' wen 'e's got a story to tell you know there ain't + one o' us wot'll get a bloomin' word in; or leastways, Hi + carn't."</p> + + <p>"Sitha," added JOCK ATHUS. "I never gotten but one story + told mysen, and he joomped down my throaat for that. Let un + taalk, Sir, let un taalk."</p> + + <p>"Very well," I said, producing one of the half-dozen bottles + of champagne that I always carried in my coat-tail pockets + whenever I went up to the Barracks to visit my friend O'RAMMIS, + "very well. Fire away, TERENCE, and let us have your + story."</p> + + <p>"I'm an ould fool," continued O'RAMMIS, in a convinced tone. + "But ye know, JOCK, how 'twas. I misremember fwhat I said to + her, but she never stirred, and only luked at me wid her + melancolious ois, and wid that my arm was round her waist, for + bedad, it was pretty, she was under the moon in the ould + barrick square. 'Hould on there,' she says, 'ye boiled thief of + Deuteronomy. D'ye think I've kem here to be philandhering + afther you. I'd make a better man than you out av empty + kyartridges and putty.' Wid that she turned on her heel, and + was for marching away. But I was at her soide agin before she'd + got her left fut on the beat. 'That's quare,' thinks I to + myself; 'but, TERENCE, me bhoy, 'tis you know the thricks av + the women. Shoulder arrums,' I thinks, 'and let fly wid the + back sight.' Wid that I just squeezed her hand wid the most + dellikit av all squeezings, and, sez I, 'MARY, me darlint,' I + sez, 'ye're not vexed wid TERENCE, I know;' but you never can + tell the way av a woman, for before the words was over the + tongue av me, the bhoys kem raging an' ramshackling—"</p> + + <p>"Really, O'RAMMIS," I ventured to observe, for I noticed + that he and his two friends had pulled all the other five + bottles out of my pocket, and had finished them, "I'm a little + disappointed with you to-day. I came out here for a little + quiet blood-and-thunder before going to bed, and you are mixing + up your stories like the regimental laundress's soapsuds. It's + not right of you. Now, honestly, is it?"</p> + + <p>But the Three Musketeers had vanished. Perhaps they may + reappear, bound in blue-grey on the railway bookstalls. Perhaps + not. And the worst of it is, that the Colonel will never + understand them, and the gentlemen who write articles will + never understand them. There is only one man who knows all + about them, and even he is sometimes what my friend O'RAMMIS + calls "a blandandhering, philandhering, misundherstandhering + civilian man."</p> + + <p>Which his name is KIPPIERD HERRING. And that is perfectly + true.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SO MUCH FOR KNOTTING'EM.—The Dean of Rochester to be + henceforth known as The Dean of Knotting'em. His new + motto,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Whack a 'Shack'</p> + + <p>Smack on his back."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Perhaps the Dean would then like to make a Moslem of the + lolloping do-nothing offender, and call him "Shackaback."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page174" + id="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/174.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/174.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>WAITING FOR THE EXPRESS. (NOUS AVONS CHANGÉ TOUT + CELA.)</h3> + + <p>FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERS:—SIR GORGIUS MIDAS, LADY + MIDAS, AND GORGIUS MIDAS, ESQ., JUNR.</p> + + <p>SECOND-CLASS DITTO:—BUTLERS, FOOTMEN, GROOMS, + MAIDS, &C, OF THE HOUSE OF MIDAS.</p> + + <p>THIRD-CLASS DITTO:—THE HON. AND REV. JAMES AND + LADY SUSAN DE VERE, GENERAL SIR JOHN AND LADY HAUTCASTLE, + F. MADDER LAKE, ESQ., R.A., AND DAUGHTERS, PROFESSOR + PARALLAX, F.R.S., &C., &C., &C.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS;"</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, "Approaching" the Hydra.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The London County Council adopted the Report of a + Committee: "That the Committee be authorised to enter into + tentative negotiations with the Water Companies, for the + purpose of ascertaining upon what terms the Companies will + be prepared to dispose of their undertakings to the + Council." The Vice-Chairman (Sir T. FARRER) thought that + the Committee "would be as wax in the hands of the clever + agents of the Companies." The Chairman (Sir JOHN LUBBOCK) + was in favour of deferring the question.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That Hydra again! Monster huge, hydro-cephalous,</p> + + <p class="i2">Haunting our city of blunders and + jobs,</p> + + <p>Born, it would seem, to bewilder and baffle us,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Who</i>'ll give you "one" for your + numerous nobs.</p> + + <p>Many have menaced you, some had a shy at you;</p> + + <p class="i2">SALISBURY stout, and bespectacled + CROSS,</p> + + <p>Each in his season has joined in the cry at you,</p> + + <p class="i2">Little, 'twould seem, to your damage or + loss.</p> + + <p>Still you eight-headed and lanky-limbed monster, + you</p> + + <p class="i2">Sprawl and monopolise, spread and + devour.</p> + + <p>Many assail you, but hitherto, none stir you.</p> + + <p class="i2">Say, <i>has</i> the hero arrived, and the + hour?</p> + + <p>No Infant Hercules, surely, can tackle you,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ancient abortion, with hope of + success.</p> + + <p>It needeth a true full-grown hero to shackle + you,</p> + + <p class="i2">Jupiter's son, and Alcmene's, no + less!</p> + + <p>Our civic Hercules smacks of the nursery,</p> + + <p class="i2">Not three years old, though ambitious, no + doubt;</p> + + <p><i>You</i>'ll scarce be captured by tentatives + cursory.</p> + + <p class="i2">Snared by a "motion," or scared by a + "spout,"</p> + + <p>Hera's pet, offspring of Typhon, the lion-clad</p> + + <p class="i2">Hero assailed, <i>con amore</i>; but + <i>you</i>,</p> + + <p>Callous as Behemoth, hard as an iron-clad,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Conciliation" with coldness will + view</p> + + <p>Fancy "approaching" the Hydra with honey-bait,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tempting the monster to parley and + purr!</p> + + <p>How will Monopoly look on a money-bait?</p> + + <p class="i2">Hercules, too, who would "like to + defer?"</p> + + <p>Not quite a true hard-shell hero—in + attitude—</p> + + <p class="i2">Hercules (County) Concilians looks;</p> + + <p>Thinks he to move a true Hydra to gratitude?</p> + + <p class="i2">Real Leviathan chortles at hooks!</p> + + <p>"Come, pretty Hydra! 'Agreement provisional,'</p> + + <p class="i2">Properly baited with sound + <i>L.S.D.</i>,</p> + + <p>Ought to entice you!" He's scorn and derision + all,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hydra, if true to his breed. We shall + see!</p> + + <p>Just so a groom, with the bridle behind him,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tempts a free horse with some corn in a + sieve.</p> + + <p>Will London's Hydra let "tentatives" blind him,</p> + + <p class="i2">Snap at the bait, and the tempter + believe?</p> + + <p>Or will the "hero"—in form of + Committee—</p> + + <p class="i2">Really prove wax for the Hydra to + mould?</p> + + <p>Yes, there's the club, but it's rather a pity</p> + + <p class="i2">Hercules seems a bit feeble of hold.</p> + + <p>Tentative heroes may suit modern urgency,</p> + + <p class="i2">LUBBOCK may win where a Hercules + fails.</p> + + <p>If we now hunt, upon public emergency,</p> + + <p class="i2">Stymphalian Birds, 'tis with salt for + their tails!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"YE GODS, WHAT A TERRIBLE TWIST!"</h2> + + <p>Statistics are sweet things, and full of startling + surprises. Like the Frenchman in "<i>Killaloe</i>" "you never + know what they'll be up to next." Here, for instance, is a + "statement showing the decrease in price in the United States + of many articles within the past ten years <i>largely + consumed</i> by the agricultural community." And among these + "many articles" "largely consumed," are "mowing machines, barb + fence-wire, horseshoes, forks, wire-cloth, slop-buckets, + wheelbarrows, and putty." No wonder dyspepsia is the national + disease in America. Fancy "consuming" French staples, + pie-plates (though <i>they</i> sound almost edible), and + putty!!! The ostrich is supposed to be capable of digesting + such dainties as broken bottles, and tenpenny nails, but that + voracious fowl is evidently not "in it" with the "Agricultural + community" of America.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ODD.—A Correspondent says he found this advertisement + in the <i>Guardian</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>RECTOR of S. Michael's, Lichfield, requires help of a + LAY-READER. Visiting, S.-school, cottage services, ass. in + choir, &c. Good salary.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The explanation, we believe, is, that "ass." is the + abbreviated form of "assisting." The Rector had better have the + unabbreviated assistant in choir, particularly if he be already + short of choristers; unless the Rector should be also Vicar of + Bray, in which case the "ass." could be transferred from + Lichfield to the more appropriate living.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page175" + id="page175"></a>[pg 175]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/175.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/175.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS."</h3> + + <p>"The Special Committee on Water Supply, appointed by the + London County Council, said, in their Report, 'Before + entering upon the inquiry, the Committee thought it would + be desirable to approach the Water Companies with a view to + ascertaining whether it would be possible for the Companies + and the Council to make some provisional agreement as to + the terms upon which the Companies' Water undertakings + should be transferred to the Council, if Parliament gave + the necessary authority.'"—<i>The Times' + Report</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" + id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/177.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/177.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>MOSSOO IN EGYPT.</h3><i>Mr. Punch</i> (<i>to French + Guardian of Egyptian Monuments</i>). "COME, I SAY, SIR! DO + YOU CALL THIS LOOKING AFTER THE MONUMENTS? WAKE UP, OR + YOU'LL HAVE TO GO!"—<i>See "Times" Leader, Oct. 3rd, + 1890.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE.</h2> + + <h3>SEVENTH ENTRY.</h3> + + <p>To my intense surprise—shared, as far as I can see, by + all my friends and relatives—I have managed to pass the + "Bar Final"! I attribute the portentous fact to the Examiners + having discreetly avoided all reference to the "Rule in + SHELLEY's Case."</p> + + <p>Find that the Students who are going to be "called within + the Bar," have to be presented to the Benchers on one special + evening, after dinner, in Hall. Ceremony rather funereal, at + <i>my</i> Inn—but not the same at all Inns. About twenty + of us summoned one by one to the High Table; several go up + before me, and as there is a big screen I can't see what + happens to them. Only—most remarkable circumstance + this—<i>not one of them comes back</i>! Have the Benchers + decided to sternly limit the numbers of the Profession? Perhaps + they are "putting in an execution." Just thinking of escape, + when my name called out. March up to Table, determined not to + perish without a spirited resistance.</p> + + <p>To complete the idea of its being an Execution, here is the + Chaplain! Will he say a "few last words" to the + culprit—myself—prior to my being pinioned?</p> + + <p>As matter of fact, Bencher at head of Table (portly old + gentleman, who looks as if he might be described as a + "bottle-a-day-of-port-ly" old gentleman) shakes hands, coldly, + and that's all. Not even a Queen's Shilling given me, as I am + conducted off to another table close by.</p> + + <p>Mystery of disappearance of other candidates explained. Here + they are—all at this table—"all silent, and all + called"! It seems that this is the Barristers' part of the + Hall, other the Students'.</p> + + <p>Ceremony not over yet. After dinner we are invited, all + twenty, to dessert and wine with the Benchers—or rather, + at the Benchers' expense, because we don't really see and chat + with these great men, only a single representative, who + presides at table in a long bare room downstairs, resembling a + cellar. Benchers' own Common-room above. Why don't they invite + us up there? Bencher, who has come down to preside over this + entertainment, has a rather forbidding air about him. Seems to + be thinking—"I don't care much for this sort of function. + Stupid old custom. But must keep it up, I suppose, for good of + Inn; and Benchers (hang them!) have deputed <i>me</i> to take + head of the table to-night—probably because I look so + desperately lively."</p> + + <p>There <i>is</i> a sort of "disinterred liveliness" (to quote + Bishop WILBERFORCE) about him, after all. Tries to joke. No + doubt regards us all as a pack of fools to join over-crowded + profession—still, as we <i>are</i> here, he will try and + forget that, in a few years, the majority of us will probably + be starving.</p> + + <p>After an interval, Bored Bencher thinks it necessary to rise + and make little speech. Assures us + (<i>Query</i>—hyprocrisy?) that we are all extremely + likely to attain to high positions at the Bar. Says something + feebly humorous about Woolsack. Bad taste, because we can't + <i>all</i> sit on Woolsack at once; and mention of it excites + feelings of emulation, almost of animosity, towards other + new-fledged Barristers. I am conscious, for instance, of + distinct repulsion towards man on my right, who is cracking + nuts, and who must be a son or nephew of our Chairman, judging + by the familiarity with which he treats latter. Probably his + uncle will flood him with briefs—and that will be called + "making his own way in the world." Pshaw!</p> + + <p>Wine-and-dessert entertainment only lasts an hour. + Forbidding Bencher evidently feels that an hour is as much as + he can possibly stand. So we all depart, except the favoured + nephew (or son), who, as I suspect, "remains to prey" on his + uncle (or father), and probably to be invited in to the + <i>real</i> feast which no doubt the Inn worthies are enjoying + upstairs.</p> + + <p>Next morning meet a legal friend, who asks, "When are you to + be presented at Court?"</p> + + <p>"Presented at Court?"—I ask in surprise.</p> + + <p>"Yes—Court of Queen's Bench—ha! ha! You'll have + to go one of these days in wig and gown to the Q.B.D., and + inscribe your name in a big book, and bow to the Judges, and + come out."</p> + + <p>"What's the good of doing that?" I want to know.</p> + + <p>"None whatever. An old custom, that's all. A sort of legal + fiction, you know." (<i>Query</i>—If a Queen's Counsel + writes a novel, isn't <i>that</i> a real legal fiction?) + "You'll feel rather like a little boy going to a new school. + Judges look at you with an air of 'I say, you new feller, + what's your name? Where do you come from? What House are you + in?—then a good kick. They can't kick you, so they glare + at you instead. Interesting ceremony. Ta, ta!"</p> + + <p>It turns out as my friend says. But previously there is the + other little formality of purchasing the trailing garments of + the Profession. Go to a wig-and-gown-maker near the Law Courts. + Ask to see different kinds of wigs.</p> + + <p>"We only make one kind," replies the wig-man, pityingly. + "The Patent Ventilating Anticalvitium. You'll find it as light + as a feather, almost. Made of superfine 'orse-'air." He says + this as if he never got his material from anything below the + value of a Derby Winner.</p> + + <p>"Why do you call it the Anticalvitium?" I ask.</p> + + <p>"Because it don't make the 'air fall off, Sir, as all other + wigs do."</p> + + <p>Do they? Another objection to the profession. Wish I had + known this before I began to grind for the Bar Exam. Wig-man + measures my head.</p> + + <p>"Rather large size, Sir," he remarks. Says it as if I must + have water on the brain at the very least. "Middle Temple, I + suppose?"—he queries. Why? Somehow it would <i>sound</i> + more flattering if he had supposed Inner Temple, instead of + Middle. Wonder if I shall ever be described as an "Outer + barrister, of the Inner Temple, with Middling abilities." Is + there a special cut of face belonging to the Inner Temple, + another for the Middle (there <i>is</i> a "middle cut" in + salmon, why not in the law?) and a third for Lincoln's Inn?</p> + + <p>Find, while I am meditating these problems, that I have been + "suited" with a gown, also with a stock of ridiculous little + linen flaps, which are called "bands." Think about "forbidding + the bands," but don't know how to.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>NOTE FOR THE NEW UNIONISM.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Union is Strength." Let lovers of communion</p> + + <p>Remember Strength (of language) is <i>not</i> + Union!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW DEFINITION OF A "FEATHER-BED FIGHTER."—A Boxer + with gloves over four ounces in weight. And anything over that, + we suppose, must be considered a "feather-weight." This gives a + new significance to the saying, "You might have knocked me down + with a feather."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" + id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/178.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/178.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>OUR M.P. MAKES A LITTLE TOUR IN IRELAND.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" + id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/179.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/179.png" + alt="" /></a>MR. TYMS HIRED A MOUNT WITH THE + STAGHOUNDS, BUT QUICKLY CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT + WAS A BRUTAL SHAME TO CHASE THE POOR DEER UP AND DOWN + THOSE HORRIBLE BANKS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A TALE OF THE TELEPHONE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Story of what may happen some day in George Street, + Hanover Square.</i>)</h4> + + <p>There were a few minutes unoccupied before the time + appointed for the ceremony, and so the Pew-opener thought he + could not do better than point out the many excellences of the + church to the Bridegroom.</p> + + <p>"You see, Sir," he said, "our pulpit is occupied by the best + possible talent. The Vicar takes the greatest interest in + securing every rising preacher, and thus, Sunday after Sunday, + we have the most startling orations."</p> + + <p>The Bridegroom (slightly bored) said that if he had happened + to live in the neighbourhood, he should certainly have taken + sittings.</p> + + <p>"But living in the neighbourhood is not necessary, Sir," + persisted the Pew-opener. "Let into the sounding-board is a + telephone, and so our Vicar can supply the sermons preached + here, hot and hot, to residents in the London Postal District. + Considering the quality of the discourses, he charges a very + low rate. The system has been largely adopted. As a matter of + fact the whole service, and not only the pulpit, has been laid + on to the principal Hotels and Clubs."</p> + + <p>But further conversation was here cut short by the arrival + of the Bride, who, led by her brother, advanced towards the + altar with an air of confidence that charmed all beholders. + This self-possession was the outcome of the lady being—as + her grey moiré-antique indicated—a widow. + Congratulations passed round amongst the friends and relatives, + and then the bridal party was arranged in front of the good old + Vicar.</p> + + <p>"Have you switched us on?" said he to the Clerk.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," was the reply. "We are now in communication with + all the principal Hotels and Clubs."</p> + + <p>"That's right. I am always anxious that my clients shall + have their full money's-worth." And then the Vicar read with + much emphasis the exhortation to the public to declare any + "just cause or impediment" to the marriage. Naturally there was + no response, and an opening hymn was sung by the choir, which, + containing some half-dozen verses, lasted quite a quarter of an + hour. At its conclusion the Vicar, who had allowed his + attention to become distracted, instead of going on with the + service, again read the exhortation. He once more gave the + names of "HARRY SMITH, bachelor," and "AMY JONES, widow."</p> + + <p>"If anyone knows any just cause or impediment," he + continued.</p> + + <p>"Stop; I do!" interrupted a gentleman in a dressing-gown, + who had hurriedly entered the Church. "I heard you about a + quarter of an hour ago, while I was breakfasting at the + Shaftesbury Avenue Hotel, ask the same question, and came here + without changing my coat. Very sorry to interrupt the ceremony, + but this lady is my wife! Well, AMY, how are you?"</p> + + <p>"What, JOEY!" exclaimed the (now) ex-Bride, delightedly. "We + <i>are</i> glad to see you! We thought you were dead!"</p> + + <p>Then the gentleman in the dressing-gown was heartily greeted + on all sides. He seemed to be a very popular personage.</p> + + <p>"But where do I come in?" asked Mr. BROWN, the + ex-Bridegroom, who had, during this scene, shown signs of + embarrassment.</p> + + <p>"O JOEY, I quite forgot to introduce you to HARRY," said the + ex-Bride. "You must know one another. I was going to marry him + when you, darling, turned up just in the nick of time, like a + dear good old boy!"</p> + + <p>"Delighted to make your acquaintance, Sir," said Mr. JONES, + shaking Mr. BROWN warmly by the hand. "And now I must go back + to finish my breakfast!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, with me," said the ex-Bride. "You must sit, darling, + in the seat intended for poor HARRY. I know you won't mind, + HARRY (or, perhaps, I ought to call you Mr. BROWN now?), as I + have <i>so</i> much to say to dear JOEY. And you can have your + breakfast at a side-table—now won't you, just to please + me? You always are <i>so</i> kind and considerate!"</p> + + <p>And, as the wedding-party left the Church, the Clerk hastily + unswitched the electric communication.</p> + + <p>"Be quiet, Sir!" he whispered, sternly, to Mr. BROWN, who + had been talking to himself. "If our clients heard you, we + should be ruined! We guarantee that our telephonic supply shall + be perfectly free from bad language!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROPHET AND LOSS.—Good Mussulmen, so it is said, + object to a play entitled <i>Mahomet</i> being produced in + London. The objection was successful in Paris. London Managers + (except, perhaps, Sheriff DRURIOLANUS, who revived <i>Le + Prophete</i> this season) will be on the side of the objectors, + as they would rather have to do with a genuine profit than a + fictitious one. Perhaps the non-production of <i>Mahomet</i> + may be a loss to Literature and the Drama.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page180" + id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span> + + <h2>A BACHELOR'S IDYL.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am not married, but I see</p> + + <p class="i2">No life so pleasant as my own;</p> + + <p>I think it's good for man to be</p> + + <p class="i14">Alone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some marry not who once have been—</p> + + <p class="i2">A curious process—crossed in + love,</p> + + <p>Who find a life's experience in</p> + + <p class="i14">A glove;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or else will sentimental grow</p> + + <p class="i2">At recollections of a dance;</p> + + <p>But, luckily for me, I've no</p> + + <p class="i14">Romance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of course I know "love in a cot,"—</p> + + <p class="i2">The little wife who calls you + "hub,"—</p> + + <p>But I'm content whilst I have got</p> + + <p class="i14">My Club.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In some fine way, I don't know how,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some fool, some idiot, who lacks</p> + + <p>A grain of sense, proposes now</p> + + <p class="i14">A tax.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Tax on Bachelors! Ah, well,</p> + + <p class="i2">If this becomes the law's decree,</p> + + <p>I cheerfully shall pay the <i>L.</i></p> + + <p class="i14"><i>S.D.</i>,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Quite happy with my single lot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Convinced beyond a doubt that life</p> + + <p>Is just worth living it you've not</p> + + <p class="i14">A wife.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <h4>(A LITTLE LATER.)</h4> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/180-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/180-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'll sing exaltedly no more,</p> + + <p class="i2">But sadly in a minor key</p> + + <p>Will tell what fortune had in store</p> + + <p class="i14">For me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I rather think, the other day,</p> + + <p class="i2">That someone asked, "Should women + woo?"</p> + + <p>I'll answer that without delay—</p> + + <p class="i14">They do!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She came—I foolishly was glad—</p> + + <p class="i2">She took me captive with a glance,</p> + + <p>Of course I never really had</p> + + <p class="i14">A chance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And when she bent her pretty head</p> + + <p class="i2">To ask the question, I confess</p> + + <p>That what at once with joy I said</p> + + <p class="i14">Was "Yes."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She says our wedding is to be</p> + + <p class="i2">On Monday—quite a swell affair.</p> + + <p>My wife and I shall hope to see</p> + + <p class="i14">You there.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Is this the Hend?"</h3> + + <p>The following, headed <i>Scottish Leader</i>, was sent to us + as a quotation:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Duke of FIFE has sold the estate of Eden, near + Banff, to Mr. THOMAS ADAM, Deputy Chairman of the Great + North of Scotland Railway Company."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If the above information be correct, this transfer of "Eden" + to "ADAM" looks uncommonly like "Paradise Regained."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/180-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/180-2.png" + alt="Baron de Book-Worms." /></a>The Learned Baron. + </div> + + <p>The Baron must say a word about <i>Voces Populi</i>, by F. + ANSTEY, author of the immortal <i>Vice Versâ</i>. That + the series contained in this volume appeared in <i>Mr. + Punch's</i> pages is sufficient guarantee for the excellence of + its quality, and more than this it would not become the Baron + to say; but of the illustrations by J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE the + Baron can speak—and speak in terms of the highest + admiration of them—as works of genuinely artistic humour. + There are twenty illustrations, that is, ten brace of + Partridges, if he will allow the Baron so far to make game of + him. The book is published by LONGMANS, GREEN & Co.</p> + + <p>The Leadenhall Press has brought out, in Pocket form, + <i>Prince Dorus</i>, by CHARLES LAMB, with nine coloured + illustrations, following the original Edition of 1811. The + lines are not very Lamb-like, but the illustrations are very + quaint, and the Pocket Volume is a curiosity of literature.</p> + + <p>BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A REALLY VALUABLE SUGGESTION.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>To the Editor of Punch.</i>)</h4> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—As the conductor of the recognised organ of + the legal profession, I have the honour to address you. My + learned and accomplished friend. Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C., + complained the other day that there was a right of appeal from + the Police Court to the Bench of Middlesex Magistrates. He said + that his colleagues were barristers and gentlemen of + considerable eminence, and in those characters were better able + to decide upon the merits of a case than the persons who + compose the Tribunal to which appeal from their decision is + permissible. I have not recently looked through the list of + Metropolitan Police Magistrates, but, if they have been chosen + from the ranks of literature and law, as they were thirty years + ago, I can well understand that they are an exceedingly capable + body of men. That so accomplished a <i>littérateur</i> + and admirable an advocate as my friend Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS + himself should have been raised to the Magisterial bench, is a + proof that the standard has been maintained. But, Sir, can + nothing be done for the other tribunal?</p> + + <p>Would it not be possible to appoint a certain proportion of + stipendiaries, with ample salaries, to that body? What is + wanted are men with a perfect knowledge of the law, and a large + experience of the adversities as well as the pleasures of life. + If they occasionally dabble in literature, so much the better. + But, it may be said, where are such men to be found? I answer, + in very many places, and, to encourage the authorities in their + search, shall be most happy to personally head the list.</p> + + <p>Yours, very faithfully,</p> + + <p>(<i>Signed</i>) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. <i>Pump-handle Court, + Oct. 4th, 1890.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GROAN OF THE GUSHLESS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Song à la Shenstone.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["What is described as an Anti-Gush Society has, + according to a Pittsburg paper, been formed in New York, + its object being to check the growing tendency, especially + noticeable among young people of the period, to express + themselves in exaggerated language."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Girl Member of the A.G.S. loq.</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye maidens, so cheerful and gay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose words ever fulsomely fall,</p> + + <p>Oh, pity your friend, who to-day</p> + + <p class="i2">Has become a Society's thrall.</p> + + <p>Allow me to muse and to sigh,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor talk of the change that ye find;</p> + + <p>None once was more happy than I;</p> + + <p class="i2">But, alas! I've left Gushing behind!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/180-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/180-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now I know what it is to have + strove<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p class="i2">With the tortures of verbal desire.</p> + + <p>I must use measured terms, where I love,</p> + + <p class="i2">And be moderate, when I admire.</p> + + <p>No slang must my diction adorn,</p> + + <p class="i2">I must never say "awfully swell."</p> + + <p>Alas! I feel flat and forlorn,</p> + + <p class="i2">I have bidden Girl-Gushing farewell!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since I put down my name in that book</p> + + <p class="i2">I have never called bonnets "divine,"</p> + + <p>For our Sec. with a soul-shaking look,</p> + + <p class="i2">Would be down on your friend with a + fine.</p> + + <p>So the milliners now I pass by;</p> + + <p class="i2">Though dearly they pleased me of + yore;</p> + + <p>If a girl musn't gush, squirm, and sigh,</p> + + <p class="i2">Even shopping becomes quite a bore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For "gorgeous" I languish in vain,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I pine for a "love"—and a + "dear."</p> + + <p>Oh! why did I vow to be plain—</p> + + <p class="i2">In my speech? It sounds awfully + queer!</p> + + <p>Stop! "Awfully" is not allowed.</p> + + <p class="i2">Though it <i>will</i> slip out sometimes, + I own.</p> + + <p>Oh, I might as well sit in my shroud,</p> + + <p class="i2">As use moderate language alone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To force us fair nymphs to forego</p> + + <p class="i2">The hyperbole dear to our heart,</p> + + <p>And the slang without which speech is "slow,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Is to make us a "people apart."</p> + + <p>Oh, to say (without fines) "quite too-too!"</p> + + <p class="i2">For dear "awfully jolly" I yearn.</p> + + <p>I would "chuck" all my friends, sweet—save + you—</p> + + <p class="i2">To the pathways of Gush to return.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Eh? "<i>Chuck</i>" did I say? That is Slang!</p> + + <p class="i2">And "<i>Sweet</i>?" That's decidedly + Gush!</p> + + <p>Oh, let the A.G.S. go hang!</p> + + <p class="i2">My old love returns with a rush.</p> + + <p>It is "gorgeous" once more to be free,</p> + + <p class="i2">O'er a frock or a first night to + glow.</p> + + <p>Come to-morrow! Go shopping with me,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Ownest own</i>—and we'll gush as + we go!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>SHENSTONE, not <i>Mr. Punch</i>, is responsible for the + peccant participle.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>THE MODERN NELSON MOTTO.—At the Church Congress. Lord + NELSON expressed a strong desire for the union of Dissenters + with Churchmen. If his Lordship's reading of the old Nelsonian + motto is "England expects that every clergyman (Dissenter or + Churchman) should do somebody else's duty," then England will + have to wait a considerable time for the Utopian realisation of + this pious wish.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., October 11, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12467-h.htm or 12467-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12467/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., October 11, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12467] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +October 11, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XX.--THE DIVORCEE. + +The Court over which Sir JAMES HANNEN presides was instituted for +the purification of morals by the separation of ill-assorted couples. +Matrimonial errors, which had hitherto stood upon the level of +political grievances, capable of redress only after the careful and +unbiassed attention of British legislators had been, at much expense +both of time and money, devoted to them, were henceforth to form the +subject of a special procedure in a division of the Courts of Law +created for the purpose, and honestly calculated to bring separation +and divorce within the reach even of the most modest incomes. The +tyrant man, as usual, favoured himself by the rules he laid down for +the playing of the game. For whereas infidelity on the part of the +wife is held to be, in itself, a sufficient cause for pronouncing a +decree in favour of the husband, a kind, though constantly unfaithful +husband, is protected from divorce, and only punished by separation +from the wife he has wronged. It is necessary for a man to add either +cruelty or desertion to his other offence, in order that his wife +may obtain from the laws of her country the opportunity of marrying +someone else. But the wit of woman has proved equal to the emergency. +Nowhere, it may be safely stated, have more tales of purely +imaginative atrocity been listened to with greater attention, or with +more favourable results, than in the Divorce Court. On an incautious +handshake a sprained wrist and an arm bruised into all the colours of +the rainbow have been not infrequently grafted. A British imprecation, +and a banged door, have often become floods of invective and a +knock-down blow; and a molehill of a pinch has, under favourable +cultivation, been developed into a mountain of ill-treatment, on the +top of which a victorious wife has in the end, triumphantly planted +the banner of freedom. + +[Illustration] + +Hence the Divorce Court, after some years of suspicion, has gradually +come to be looked upon as one of the sacred institutions of +the country. And, speaking generally, those who make use of its +facilities, however much certain of the more strait-laced may frown, +are considered by society at large to have done a thing which is +surprisingly right and often enviable. The result at any rate is that +the number of the divorced increases year by year, and that a lady +whose failings have been established against her by a judicial decree, +may be quite sure of a hand of ardent sympathisers of both sexes, +amongst whom she can hold her head as high as her inclination prompts +her without exciting a larger number of spiteful comments than are +allotted to her immaculate and undecreed sisters. She may not have +been able to abide the question of the Counsel who cross-examined +her, but she is certainly free, even in a wider sense than before. +She may not, perhaps, stand on so lofty a social pinnacle as the +merely-separated lady whose husband still lives, and to whose male +friends the fact that she in practically husbandless, and at the same +time disabled from marriage, gives a delightful sense both of zest and +security. On the other hand, the separated lady must be to a certain +extent circumspect, lest she should place a weapon for further +punishment in the hands of her husband. But to the Divorcee all things +apparently, are permitted. + +When she left the Court in which, to use her own words, "all her +budding hopes had been crushed by the triumph of injustice," the +beautiful Divorcee (for in order to be truly typical the Divorcee is +necessarily beautiful) might have proceeded immediately to plant them +afresh in the old soil. The various gentlemen who had sustained their +reputation as men of honour by tampering on her behalf and on their +own, with the strict letter of the truth, naturally felt that the +boldness of their denials entitled them to her lasting regard, and +showed themselves ready to aid her with their counsel. But, though she +never ceased to protest her innocence of all that had been laid to her +charge and proved against her, she was sufficiently sensible to give +them to understand that for a time, at least, her path in the world +would be easier if they ceased to accompany her. They accepted the +sentence of banishment with a good grace, knowing perfectly well +that it was not for long. The Divorcee then withdrew from the flaming +placards of the daily papers, on which she had figured during the past +week, and betook herself to the seclusion of her bijou residence in +the heart of the most fashionable quarter. Here she pondered for a +short time upon the doubtful unkindness of fate which had deprived her +of a husband whom she despised, and of a home which his presence had +made insupportable. But she soon roused herself to face her new lack +of responsibility, and to enjoy it. At first, she moved cautiously. +There were numerous sympathisers who urged her to defy the world, such +as it is, and to show herself everywhere entirely careless of what +people might say. Such conduct might possibly have been successful, +but the Divorcee foresaw a possible risk to her reputation, and +abstained. She began, therefore, by making her public appearances +infrequent. In company with the devoted widow, whose evidence +had almost saved her from an adverse verdict, she arranged placid +tea-parties at which the casual observer might have imagined that +the rules of social decorum were more strictly enforced than in the +household of an archbishop. Inquiry, however, might have revealed the +fact that a large proportion of the ladies present at these gatherings +had either shaken off the matrimonial shackles, or proposed to do +so, whether as plaintiffs or as defendants, whenever a favourable +opportunity presented itself. The men, too, who were, after a time, +admitted to these staid feasts, were not altogether archiepiscopal, +though they behaved as they were dressed, quite irreproachably. To +counter-balance them to some extent, the Divorcee determined to secure +the presence and the countenance of a clergyman. + +After some search, she discovered one who was enthusiastic, deficient +in worldly knowledge, and susceptible. To him she related her own +private version of her wrongs, which she seasoned with quite a +pretty flow of tears. The amiable cleric yielded without a struggle, +and readily placed at her service the protection of his white +tie. Thus strengthened, she moved forward a little further. She +revisited theatres; she was heard of at Clubs; she shone again at +dinner-parties, and in a year or so had organised for herself a +social circle which entirely satisfied her desires. Sometimes she even +allowed herself to dabble in good works. She was accused of having +written a religious poem for a serious Magazine; but all that was ever +proved against her was, that a remarkable series of articles on _The +Homes of the Poor_ bore traces of a style that was said to be hers. +Evil tongues still whispered in corners, and cynics were heard to +scoff occasionally; but the larger world, which abhors cynics, and +only believes what is good, began to smile upon her. She did not +appear to value its smiles,--but they were useful. Whenever London +tired her, she flitted to Paris, or to the Riviera, or even to +Egypt or Algiers. She subscribed to charities, and acted in Amateur +Theatricals. Finally, she married a gentleman who was believed by his +friends to be a poet, and who certainly qualified for the title by the +romance he had woven about her. With him she lived for many years a +poetic and untrammelled existence, and, when she died, many dowagers +sent wreaths as tokens of their sorrow at the loss of an admirable +woman. + + * * * * * + +VERSES FOR A VIOLINIST. + + "The violin has now fairly taken its place as an instrument + for girls."--_Daily News_. + + In old days of Art the painter much applause would surely win, + When he showed us Saint Cecilia playing on the violin. + + I've no skill of brush and palette like those unforgotten men; + My Cecilia must content herself with an unworthy pen. + + Fairy fingers flash before me as the bow sweeps o'er each string; + Like the organ's _vox humana_, Hark! the instrument can sing. + + That _sonata_ of TARTINI's in my ears will linger long; + It might be some _prima donna_ scaling all the heights of song. + + Every string a different language speaks beneath her skilful sway. + Does the shade of PAGANINI hover over her to-day? + + All can feel the passion throbbing through the music fraught with pain: + Then, with feminine mutation, comes a soft and tender strain. + + Gracious curve of neck, and fiddle tucked 'neath that entrancing chin-- + Fain with you would I change places, O thrice happy violin! + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: THE TOURNEY. + +["Golf is superseding Lawn-Tennis."--_Daily Paper_.]] + + The Champions are mounted, a wonderful pair, + And the boldest who sees them must e'en hold his breath. + Their breastplates and greaves glitter bright in the air; + They have sworn ere they met they would fight to the death. + And the heart of the Queen of the Tournament sinks + At the might of Sir GOLF, the Red Knight of the Links. + + But her Champion, Sir TENNIS, the Knight of the Lawn, + At the throne of the lady who loves him bows low: + He fears not the fight, for his racket is drawn, + And he spurs his great steed as he charges the foe. + And the sound of his war-cry is heard in the din, + "Fifteen, thirty, forty, deuce, vantage, I win!" + + But the Red Knight, Sir GOLF, smiles a smile that is grim, + And a flash as of triumph has mantled his cheek; + And he shouts, "I would scorn to be vanquished by _him_, + With my driver, my iron, my niblick and cleek. + Now, TENNIS, I have thee; I charge from the Tee, + To the deuce with thy racket, thy scoring, and thee!" + + And the ladies all cry, "Oh, Sir TENNIS, our own, + Drive him back whence he came to his bunkers and gorse." + And the men shake their heads, for Sir TENNIS seems blown, + There are cracks in his armour, and wounds on his horse. + But the Umpire, Sir PUNCH, as he watches says, "Pooh! + Let them fight and be friends; _there is room for the two_." + + * * * * * + +A LAMB-LIKE GAMBOL. + +Some little time ago we noticed with great satisfaction, that the +Committee of the Sunday School Union had advertised in the _Athenaeum_ +for the "best Tale on Gambling," for which they were anxious to +pay One Hundred Pounds sterling. The principal "condition" that the +C.S.S.U. attached to their competition was that "the tale must be +drawn as far as possible from actual life, and must vividly depict +the evils of gambling, setting forth its ruinous effects sociably and +morally on the young people of our land." Perhaps the following short +story may serve as a model to the candidates. This romance must be +considered "outside the competition." Here it is. + +PLEASANT POVERTY BETTER THAN WICKED WEALTH! + +PETER was a good boy. He went to Sunday school regularly, and always +took off his hat to his superiors--he so objected to gambling that +he never called them "betters." One day PETER found a sovereign, and +fearing, lest it might be a gilded jubilee shilling, decided to spend +it upon himself, rather than run the risk of possibly causing the +Police to put it in circulation, under the impression that it was +a coin of the higher value. He spent ten shillings on a ticket to +Boulogne-sur-Mer, and with the remaining half-sovereign played at +_Chemin de Fer_ at the Casino. And, alas! this was his first straying +from the path of virtue. Unfortunately he was most unlucky (from a +moral point of view) in his venture, leaving the tables with a sum +exceeding forty pounds. Feeling reluctant that money so ill-gained +should remain for very long in his possession, he spent a large slice +of it in securing a ticket for Monte Carlo. + +Arrived at this dreadful place he backed Zero fifteen times running, +was unhappy enough to break the bank, and retired to rest with over +ten thousand pounds. He now decided, that he had best return to +England, where he felt sure he would be safe from further temptation. + +When he was once more in London, he could not make up his mind whether +he should contribute his greatly scorned fortune to the Committee of +the Sunday School Union, or plank his last dollar on a rank outsider +for a place in the Derby. From a feeling of delicacy, he adopted the +latter course, and was indescribably shocked to pull off his fancy +at Epsom. Thinking that the Committee of the same useful body would +refuse to receive money obtained under such painful circumstances, he +plunged deeply on the Stock Exchange, and again added considerably +to his much-hated store. It was at this period in his history that +he married, and then the punishment he had so justly merited overtook +him. His wife was a pushing young woman, whose great delight was +to see her name in the Society papers. This pleasure she managed to +secure by taking a large house, and giving costly entertainments to +all sorts and conditions of individuals. Poor PETER soon found this +mode of life intolerably wearisome. He now never knew an hour's +peace, until one day he determined to run away from home, leaving in +the hands of his wife all that he possessed. His absence made no +perceptible difference in Mrs. PETER's _menage_. It was generally +supposed that he was living abroad. However, on one winter night there +was a large gathering at his wife's house, and, it being very cold, +the guests eagerly availed themselves of the services of the linkman, +who had told himself off to fetch their carriages. + +And, when everyone was gone, the poor linkman asked the mistress of +the house for some broken victuals. + +"Good gracious!" exclaimed that Lady, "if it isn't my husband! What do +you mean, PETER, by so disgracing me?" + +"Disgrace you!--not I!" returned PETER. "No one recognises me. Of all +the guests that throng my house, and eat my suppers, I don't believe +there is a solitary individual who knows me by sight." + +And PETER was right. Ah, how much better would it have been had PETER +remained at school, and not found that sovereign! Had he remained at +school, he would some day have acquired a mass of information that +would have been of immense assistance to him when his father died, and +he succeeded to the paternal broom, and the right of sweep over the +family street-crossing! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO MUCH GENIUS. + +_Poet_. "OH--A--I ALWAYS WRITE MY POEMS RIGHT OFF, WITHOUT ANY +CORRECTIONS, YOU KNOW, AND SEND THEM STRAIGHT TO THE PRINTER. I NEVER +LOOK AT 'EM A SECOND TIME." + +_Critic_. "NO MORE DO YOUR READERS, MY BOY!"] + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +OSTRICH "FARMING."--We are afraid we cannot give you any sound +or useful information to assist you in your project of keeping an +ostrich-farm in a retired street in Bayswater; but that you should +have already received a consignment of fifty "fine, full-grown birds," +and managed, with the aid of five railway porters, and all the local +police available, to get them from the van in which they arrived +up two flights of stairs, and locate them temporarily in your back +drawing-room, augurs at least for a good start to your undertaking. +That three should have escaped, and, after severely kicking the Vicar, +who happened to be dining with you, terrified the whole neighbourhood, +and effected an entrance into an adjacent public-house, where they +appear to have done a good deal of damage to the glass and crockery, +upsetting a ten-gallon cask of gin, and frightening the barmaid into +a fit of hysterics, being only finally captured by the device of +getting a coal-sack over their heads, was, after all, but a slight +_contretemps_, and not one to be taken into account when measured +against the grand fact that you have got _all your birds safely lodged +for the night_. A little arnica, and a fortnight in bed, will, in all +probability, set the Vicar all right. With regard to their food, we +should advise you to continue the tinned lobster and muffins, which +they seem to relish. You appear to be alarmed at their swallowing the +tins. There is no occasion for any anxiety on this point, the tin, +doubtless, serving as the proverbial "digestive" pebble with which +all birds, we believe, accompany a hearty meal. We fear we cannot +enlighten you as to how you make your profits out of an ostrich-farm; +but, speaking at random, we should say they would probably arise by +pulling the feathers out of the tails of the birds and selling them to +Court Milliners. Your idea of trying them in harness in a Hansom seems +to have something in it. Turn it over, by all means. Meantime, get +a Shilling Handbook on the Management of the Ostrich. We think you +will have to cover in your garden with a tarpaulin as you suggest. +You cannot expect the fifty birds to stay for ever in your back +drawing-room; and the fact that you mention, of their having already +kicked down and eaten one folding-door, is significant. They will be +escaping from your balcony all over the neighbourhood if you do not +take care to secure them; and as they seem fresh, very aggressive, and +strong in the leg, such a catastrophe might lead you into a good deal +of unpleasantness. Take our advice, and get them downstairs, tight +under a stout tarpaulin, as soon as possible. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE. + +_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._ + +NO. I.--"I'M MONARCH OF ALL I _SURVEY_!" + + SCENE--_Interior of newly-erected building. Present, the + Builder and a Surveyor, the former looking timidly foxy, + the latter knowingly pompous, and floridly self-important; + Builder, in dusty suit of dittoes, carries one hand in + his breeches-pocket, where he chinks certain metallic + substances--which may be coins or keys--nervously and + intermittently. Surveyor, a burly mass of broadcloth and big + watch-chain, carries an intimidating note-book, and a menacing + pencil, making mems. in a staccato and stabbing fashion, which + is singularly nerve-shaking._ + +_Surveyor_ (_speaking with his pencil in his mouth_). Well, +Mister--er--er--WOTSERNAME, I--er--think--'m, 'm, 'm--things seem to +be _pretty_ right as far's I can see; though of course-- + +_Builder_ (_hastily_). Oh, I assure you I've taken the _greatest_ +pains to conform to--er--rules in--er--in _every_ way; though if there +_should_ be any little thing that ketches your eye, why, you've only +to-- + +[Illustration] + +_Surveyor_. Oh, of course, of course! _We_ know all about that. You +see _I_ can only go by rule. What's right's right; what's wrong's +wrong; that's about the size of it. _I've_ nothing to do with it, one +way or another, except to see the law carried out. + +_Builder_. Ex-ack-ly! However, if you've seen all you want to, we may +as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and-- + +_Surveyor_ (_suddenly_). By the way, I suppose this wall is properly +underpinned? + +_Builder_ (_nervously_). Well--er--not exackly--but, 'er, 'er--well, +the fact is I thought-- + +_Surveyor_ (_sternly_). What you _thought_, Sir, doesn't affect the +matter. The question is, what the Building Act _says_. The whole thing +must come down! + +_Builder_. But, I say, that'll run me into ten pounds, at least, and +really the thing's as safe as-- + +_Surveyor_. Maybe, maybe--in fact, I don't say it isn't. But the Act +says it's got to be done. + +_Builder_. Well, well, if there's no help for it, I must _do_ it, of +course. + +_Surveyor_ (_looking somehow disappointed_). Very sorry, of course, +but you see what must be must. + +_Builder_ (_sadly_). Yes, yes, no doubt. Well (_brightening_), anyhow, +we may as well step over to the "Crown and Thistle," and crack a +bottle of champagne. + +_Surveyor_ (_also brightening_). Well, ours is a dusty job, and I +don't care if I do. + + [_They do so. Surveyor drinks his full share of Heidsieck, + and smokes a cigar of full size and flavour. He and + Builder exchange reminiscences concerning past professional + experiences, the "tricks of trade," diverse devices for + "dodging the Act," &c., &c. Surveyor explains how stubborn + builders ("not like you, you know"), who don't do the thing + handsome, often suffer by having to run themselves to expenses + that might have been avoided--and serve 'em right too! Also, + how others, without a temper above "tips," and of a generally + gentlemanly tone of mind, save themselves lots of little + extras, which, maybe, the letter of the law would exact, + but which a Surveyor of sense and good feeling can get + over, "and no harm done, neither, to nobody." As the wine + circulates, it is noticeable that good-fellowship grows almost + boisterous, and facetiousness mellows into chuckling cynicism + of the winking, waggish, "we all do it" sort._ + +_Surveyor_ (_tossing off last glass, and smacking his lips_). Well, +well, the best of friends must part, and I guess I must be toddling. +Very glad to have met you, I'm sure, and a better bit of building than +yours yonder I haven't seen for some time. Seems a pity, hanged if +it don't, that you should have to put yourself to such an additional +outlay--ah, by the way, _what_ did you say it would cost you? + +_Builder_. Oh, about ten pounds, I suppose. + +_Surveyor_ (_lighting another cigar_). Humph! (_Puff' +puff!_) Pity--pity! (_Puff! puff!_) Now look here, my +boy--(_confidentially_)--suppose you and me just divide that +tenner between us, five to you, and five to me; and, as to the +"underpinning"--well, nobody'll be a bit the wiser, and the building +won't be a halfpenny the worse, _I'll_ bet my boots. Come, is it a +bargain? + + [_After a little beating about the bush, the little "job" is + arranged amicably, on the practical basis of "a fiver each, + and mum's the word on both sides," thus evading the law, + saving the Builder a few pounds, and supplementing the + salary of the Surveyor. Ulterior results, unsanitary or + otherwise, do not come within the compass of this sketch._ + + * * * * * + +STRANGER THAN FICTION! + +(_POSTMARKS--LEEDS, HULL, AND ELSEWHERE._) + +Mr. Punch was assisting at a Congress. The large room in which that +Congress was being held was crowded, and consequently the heat was +oppressive. The speeches, too, were not particularly interesting, +and the Sage became drowsy. It was fortunate, therefore, that a fair +maiden in a classical garb (who suddenly appeared seated beside him) +should have addressed him. The interruption reassembled in their +proper home his wandering senses. + +"I fear, _Mr. Punch_," said the fair maiden, looking at herself in a +small mirror which she was holding in her right hand, "that you are +inclined to go to sleep." + +"Well, I am," replied the Sage, with unaccountable bluntness; "truth +to tell, these orations about nothing in particular, spouted by +persons with an imperfect knowledge of, I should say, almost any +subject, bore me." + +"The information is unnecessary," observed the young lady; with a +smile. "I share your feelings. But if you will be so kind as to pay a +little attention to the speakers while they are under my influence, I +think you will discover a new interest in their utterances." + +"Are you an hypnotist, Madam?" asked _Mr. Punch_. + +"Well, not exactly. But, when I have the chance, I can make people +speak the Truth." + +Then _Mr. Punch_ listened, and was surprised at the strange things +that next happened. + +"I wish to be perfectly frank with you," said a gentleman on the +platform; "I am here because I wish to see my name in the papers, and +all the observations I have made up to date have been addressed to the +reporters. I am glad I can control my thoughts, because I would not +for worlds let you know the truth. It is my ambition to figure as a +philanthropist, and on my word, I think this is the cheapest and most +effective mode of carrying out my intention." + +Then the gentleman resumed his seat with a smile that suggested that +he was under the impression that he had just delivered himself of +sentiments bound to extort universal admiration. + +"That is not exactly my case," observed a second speaker, "because I +do not care two pins for anything save the entertainments which are +invariably associated with scientific research, or philanthropical +inquiry. I pay my guinea, after considerable delay, and then expect +to take out five times that amount in grudgingly bestowed, but +competitionally provoked (if I may be pardoned the expression) +hospitality. I attend a portion--a small portion--of a lecture, and +then hurry off to the nearest free luncheon, or gratuitous dinner, in +the neighbourhood. I should be a tax upon my friends if I dropped in +at half-past one, or at a quarter to eight, punctually, and my motives +would be too wisely interpreted to a desire on my part to reduce the +sum total of my butcher's book. So I merely drop in upon a place where +a Congress is being held, and make the most of my membership." + +"These startling statements are decidedly unconventional," said _Mr. +Punch_, turning towards his fair companion, "and that your influence +should cause them to be made, astounds me. I trust you will not +consider me indiscreet if I ask for--" + +"My name and address," returned the fair maiden, smilingly, completing +the sentence; "Learn, then, that I live at the bottom of a well, to +which rather damp resting-place I am about to return; and that in +England I am called Truth." + +And as the lady disappeared, _Mr. Punch_ fell from his chair, and +awoke! + +"Dear me, I have been dreaming!" exclaimed the Sage, as he left +the meeting. "Well, as everyone knows, dreams are not in the least +like reality! But the strangest thing of all was to find Truth in a +Congress!" + +And it was strange, indeed. + + * * * * * + +AT THE THEATRE! + +_THE LYCEUM AGAIN. THE HAYMARKET ONCE MORE._ + +"Great Scott!" we exclaim,--not Critical CLEMENT of that ilk, but Sir +WALTER,--on again seeing _Ravenswood_. Since then an alteration in +the _modus shootendi_ has been made, and _Edgar_ no longer takes a +pot-shot at the bull from the window, but, ascertaining from _Sir +William Ashton Bishop_ that _Ellen Lucy Terry_ is being Terryfied by +an Irish bull which has got mixed up with the Scotch "herd without," +_Henry Edgar Irving_ rushes off, gun in hand; then the report of the +gun is, like the Scotch oxen, also "_heard_ without," and _Henry_ +reappears on the scene, having saved _Ellen Lucy Ashton_ by reducing +the fierce bull to potted beef. + +[Illustration] + +"What shall he have who kills the bull?" "The Dear! the Dear!" +meaning, of course, _Ellen Lucy Ashton_ aforesaid. After this all +goes well. Acting excellent all round--or nearly all round, the one +exception being, however, the very much "all-round" representative +of _Lady Ashton_, whose misfortune it is to have been selected for +this particular part. Scenery lovely, and again and again must HAWES +MCCHAVEN be congratulated on the beautiful scene of The Mermaiden's +Well (never better, in fact), Act III. The love-making bit in this +Act is charming, and the classic Sibyl, _Ailsie_, superb. Nothing in +stage effect within our memory has equalled the pathos of the final +_tableau_. It is most touching through its extreme simplicity. + +The Haymarket has re-opened with the odd mixture of the +excellent French _Abbe Constantin_ and the weak, muddle-headed, +Tree-and-Grundy-ised "village Priest," known as the _Abbe Dubois_, +or "_Abbe Do Bore_," as 'ARRY might call him. Changes are in +contemplation, and may have been already announced. Whatever they may +be, it is some consolation to learn that this Tree-and-Grundy-ised +French Abbe is not likely to be a "perpetual Curate." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. II.--BURRA MURRA BOKO. + +(_BY_ KIPPIERD HERRING, _AUTHOR OF "SOLDIERS' TEA," "OVER THE +DARODEES," "HANDSOME HEADS ON THE VALETS," "MORE BLACK THAN WHITE," +"EXPERIMENTAL DITTOS," &C., &C._) + + [NOTE.--The MS. of this story arrived from India by pneumatic + despatch, a few puffs having been apparently sufficient. + In a letter which was enclosed with it the author modestly + apologises for its innumerable merits. "But," he adds, "I have + several hundred of the same sort in stock, and can supply them + at a moment's notice. Kindly send L1000 in Bank of England + notes, by registered letter, to K. HERRING. No farther address + will be required."] + +_Polla dan anta cat anta._ What will you have, Sahib? My heart is +made fat, and my eyes run with the water of joy. _Kni vestog rind. +Scis sorstog rind_, the Sahib is as a brother to the needy, and the +afflicted at the sound of his voice become as a warming-pan in a _for +postah_. Ahoo! Ahoo! I have lied unto the Sahib. _Mi ais an dlims_, I +am a servant of sin. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +There came a sound in the night as of an elephant-herd trumpeting in +anger, and my liver was dissolved, and the heart within me became as +a _Patoph But'ah_ under the noon-day sun. I made haste, for there was +fear in the air, Sahib, and the _Pleez Mahn_ that walketh by night +was upon me. But, oh, Sahib, the cunning of the serpent was with me, +and as he passed I tripped him up, and the raging river received him. +Twice he rose, and the gleam of his eyes spake in vain for help. And +at last there came a bubble where the man had been, and he was seen no +more. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +That night I spake unto her as she stood in the moonlight. "Oh, sister +of an oil-jar, and daughter of pig-troughs, what is it thou hast +done?" And she, laughing, spake naught in reply, but gave me the +_Tcheke Slahp_ of her tribe, and her fingers fell upon my face, and my +teeth rattled within my mouth. But I, for my blood was made hot within +me, sped swiftly from her, making no halt, and the noise of fifty +thousand devils was in my ears, and the rage of the _Smak duns_ burnt +fierce within the breast of me, and my tongue was as a fresh fig that +grows upon a southern wall. _Auggrh!_ pass me the peg, for my mouth is +dry. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ Then came the Yunkum Sahib, +and the Bunkum Sahib, and they spake awhile together. But I, like unto +a _Brerra-bit_, lay low, and my breath came softly, and they knew not +that I watched them as they spake. And they joked much together, and +told each to the other how that the wives of their friends were to +them as mice in the sight of the crouching _Tabbikat_, and that the +honour of a man was as sand, that is blown afar by the storm-wind +of the desert, which maketh blind the faithful, and stoppeth their +mouths. Such are all of them, Sahib, since I that speak unto you know +them for what they are, and thus I set forth the tale that all men may +read, and understand. _Burra Murra Boko! Burra Murra Boko!_ + +'"Twas the most ondacint bedivilmint ever I set eyes on, Sorr. There +was I, blandandhering widout"-- + +"Pardon me," I said, "this is rather puzzling. A moment back you +were a Mahajun of Puli, in Marwur, or a Delhi Pathan, or a Wali Dad, +or something of that sort, and now you seem to have turned into an +Irishman. Can you tell me how it is done?" + +"Whist, ye oncivilised, backslidhering pagin!" said my friend, Private +O'RAMMIS, for it was indeed he. "Hould on there till I've tould ye. +Fwhat was I sayin'? Eyah, eyah, them was the bhoys for the dhrink. +When the sun kem out wid a blink in his oi, an' the belly-band av his +new shoot tied round him, there was PORTERS and ATHUS lyin' mixed up +wid the brandy-kegs, and the houl of the rigimint tearin' round like +all the divils from hell bruk loose. + +"Thin I knew there'd be thrubble, for ye must know, Sorr, there was a +little orf'cer bhoy cryin' as tho' his little heart was breakin', an' +the Colonel's wife's sister, wid her minowderin' voice--" + +"Look here, O'RAMMIS," I said, "I don't like to stop you; but isn't it +just a trifle rash--I mean," I added hastily, for I saw him fingering +his bayonet, "is it quite as wise as it might be to use up all your +materials at once? Besides, I seem to have met that little Orf'cer +bhoy and the Colonel's wife's sister before. I merely mention it as +a friend." + +"You let 'im go, Sir," put in PORTERS, with his cockney accent. "Lor, +Sir, TERENCE knows bloomin' well wot 'e's torkin' about, an' wen +'e's got a story to tell you know there ain't one o' us wot'll get a +bloomin' word in; or leastways, Hi carn't." + +"Sitha," added JOCK ATHUS. "I never gotten but one story told mysen, +and he joomped down my throaat for that. Let un taalk, Sir, let un +taalk." + +"Very well," I said, producing one of the half-dozen bottles of +champagne that I always carried in my coat-tail pockets whenever I +went up to the Barracks to visit my friend O'RAMMIS, "very well. Fire +away, TERENCE, and let us have your story." + +"I'm an ould fool," continued O'RAMMIS, in a convinced tone. "But +ye know, JOCK, how 'twas. I misremember fwhat I said to her, but she +never stirred, and only luked at me wid her melancolious ois, and +wid that my arm was round her waist, for bedad, it was pretty, she +was under the moon in the ould barrick square. 'Hould on there,' she +says, 'ye boiled thief of Deuteronomy. D'ye think I've kem here to be +philandhering afther you. I'd make a better man than you out av empty +kyartridges and putty.' Wid that she turned on her heel, and was for +marching away. But I was at her soide agin before she'd got her left +fut on the beat. 'That's quare,' thinks I to myself; 'but, TERENCE, +me bhoy, 'tis you know the thricks av the women. Shoulder arrums,' I +thinks, 'and let fly wid the back sight.' Wid that I just squeezed her +hand wid the most dellikit av all squeezings, and, sez I, 'MARY, me +darlint,' I sez, 'ye're not vexed wid TERENCE, I know;' but you never +can tell the way av a woman, for before the words was over the tongue +av me, the bhoys kem raging an' ramshackling--" + +"Really, O'RAMMIS," I ventured to observe, for I noticed that he +and his two friends had pulled all the other five bottles out of my +pocket, and had finished them, "I'm a little disappointed with you +to-day. I came out here for a little quiet blood-and-thunder before +going to bed, and you are mixing up your stories like the regimental +laundress's soapsuds. It's not right of you. Now, honestly, is it?" + +But the Three Musketeers had vanished. Perhaps they may reappear, +bound in blue-grey on the railway bookstalls. Perhaps not. And the +worst of it is, that the Colonel will never understand them, and the +gentlemen who write articles will never understand them. There is +only one man who knows all about them, and even he is sometimes what +my friend O'RAMMIS calls "a blandandhering, philandhering, +misundherstandhering civilian man." + +Which his name is KIPPIERD HERRING. And that is perfectly true. + + * * * * * + +SO MUCH FOR KNOTTING'EM.--The Dean of Rochester to be henceforth known +as The Dean of Knotting'em. His new motto,-- + + "Whack a 'Shack' + Smack on his back." + +Perhaps the Dean would then like to make a Moslem of the lolloping +do-nothing offender, and call him "Shackaback." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WAITING FOR THE EXPRESS. (NOUS AVONS CHANGE TOUT CELA.) + +FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERS:--SIR GORGIUS MIDAS, LADY MIDAS, AND GORGIUS +MIDAS, ESQ., JUNR. + +SECOND-CLASS DITTO:--BUTLERS, FOOTMEN, GROOMS, MAIDS, &C, OF THE HOUSE +OF MIDAS. + +THIRD-CLASS DITTO:--THE HON. AND REV. JAMES AND LADY SUSAN DE VERE, +GENERAL SIR JOHN AND LADY HAUTCASTLE, F. MADDER LAKE, ESQ., R.A., AND +DAUGHTERS, PROFESSOR PARALLAX, F.R.S., &C., &C., &C.] + + * * * * * + +"HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS;" + +_OR, "APPROACHING" THE HYDRA._ + + [The London County Council adopted the Report of a Committee: + "That the Committee be authorised to enter into tentative + negotiations with the Water Companies, for the purpose of + ascertaining upon what terms the Companies will be prepared + to dispose of their undertakings to the Council." The + Vice-Chairman (Sir T. FARRER) thought that the Committee + "would be as wax in the hands of the clever agents of the + Companies." The Chairman (Sir JOHN LUBBOCK) was in favour + of deferring the question.] + + That Hydra again! Monster huge, hydro-cephalous, + Haunting our city of blunders and jobs, + Born, it would seem, to bewilder and baffle us, + _Who_'ll give you "one" for your numerous nobs. + Many have menaced you, some had a shy at you; + SALISBURY stout, and bespectacled CROSS, + Each in his season has joined in the cry at you, + Little, 'twould seem, to your damage or loss. + Still you eight-headed and lanky-limbed monster, you + Sprawl and monopolise, spread and devour. + Many assail you, but hitherto, none stir you. + Say, _has_ the hero arrived, and the hour? + No Infant Hercules, surely, can tackle you, + Ancient abortion, with hope of success. + It needeth a true full-grown hero to shackle you, + Jupiter's son, and Alcmene's, no less! + Our civic Hercules smacks of the nursery, + Not three years old, though ambitious, no doubt; + _You_'ll scarce be captured by tentatives cursory. + Snared by a "motion," or scared by a "spout," + Hera's pet, offspring of Typhon, the lion-clad + Hero assailed, _con amore_; but _you_, + Callous as Behemoth, hard as an iron-clad, + "Conciliation" with coldness will view + Fancy "approaching" the Hydra with honey-bait, + Tempting the monster to parley and purr! + How will Monopoly look on a money-bait? + Hercules, too, who would "like to defer?" + Not quite a true hard-shell hero--in attitude-- + Hercules (County) Concilians looks; + Thinks he to move a true Hydra to gratitude? + Real Leviathan chortles at hooks! + "Come, pretty Hydra! 'Agreement provisional,' + Properly baited with sound _L.S.D._, + Ought to entice you!" He's scorn and derision all, + Hydra, if true to his breed. We shall see! + Just so a groom, with the bridle behind him, + Tempts a free horse with some corn in a sieve. + Will London's Hydra let "tentatives" blind him, + Snap at the bait, and the tempter believe? + Or will the "hero"--in form of Committee-- + Really prove wax for the Hydra to mould? + Yes, there's the club, but it's rather a pity + Hercules seems a bit feeble of hold. + Tentative heroes may suit modern urgency, + LUBBOCK may win where a Hercules fails. + If we now hunt, upon public emergency, + Stymphalian Birds, 'tis with salt for their tails! + + * * * * * + +"YE GODS, WHAT A TERRIBLE TWIST!" + +Statistics are sweet things, and full of startling surprises. Like the +Frenchman in "_Killaloe_" "you never know what they'll be up to next." +Here, for instance, is a "statement showing the decrease in price in +the United States of many articles within the past ten years _largely +consumed_ by the agricultural community." And among these "many +articles" "largely consumed," are "mowing machines, barb fence-wire, +horseshoes, forks, wire-cloth, slop-buckets, wheelbarrows, and +putty." No wonder dyspepsia is the national disease in America. Fancy +"consuming" French staples, pie-plates (though _they_ sound almost +edible), and putty!!! The ostrich is supposed to be capable of +digesting such dainties as broken bottles, and tenpenny nails, but +that voracious fowl is evidently not "in it" with the "Agricultural +community" of America. + + * * * * * + +ODD.--A Correspondent says he found this advertisement in the +_Guardian_:-- + + RECTOR of S. Michael's, Lichfield, requires help of a + LAY-READER. Visiting, S.-school, cottage services, ass. in + choir, &c. Good salary. + +The explanation, we believe, is, that "ass." is the abbreviated form +of "assisting." The Rector had better have the unabbreviated assistant +in choir, particularly if he be already short of choristers; unless +the Rector should be also Vicar of Bray, in which case the "ass." +could be transferred from Lichfield to the more appropriate living. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERCULES (COUNTY) CONCILIANS." + +"The Special Committee on Water Supply, appointed by the London County +Council, said, in their Report, 'Before entering upon the inquiry, +the Committee thought it would be desirable to approach the Water +Companies with a view to ascertaining whether it would be possible +for the Companies and the Council to make some provisional agreement +as to the terms upon which the Companies' Water undertakings should +be transferred to the Council, if Parliament gave the necessary +authority.'"--_The Times' Report_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOSSOO IN EGYPT. + +_Mr. Punch_ (_to French Guardian of Egyptian Monuments_). "COME, I +SAY, SIR! DO YOU CALL THIS LOOKING AFTER THE MONUMENTS? WAKE UP, OR +YOU'LL HAVE TO GO!"--_See "Times" Leader, Oct. 3rd, 1890._] + + * * * * * + +JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE. + +SEVENTH ENTRY. + +To my intense surprise--shared, as far as I can see, by all my friends +and relatives--I have managed to pass the "Bar Final"! I attribute +the portentous fact to the Examiners having discreetly avoided all +reference to the "Rule in SHELLEY's Case." + +Find that the Students who are going to be "called within the Bar," +have to be presented to the Benchers on one special evening, after +dinner, in Hall. Ceremony rather funereal, at _my_ Inn--but not the +same at all Inns. About twenty of us summoned one by one to the +High Table; several go up before me, and as there is a big screen I +can't see what happens to them. Only--most remarkable circumstance +this--_not one of them comes back_! Have the Benchers decided to +sternly limit the numbers of the Profession? Perhaps they are "putting +in an execution." Just thinking of escape, when my name called +out. March up to Table, determined not to perish without a spirited +resistance. + +To complete the idea of its being an Execution, here is the Chaplain! +Will he say a "few last words" to the culprit--myself--prior to my +being pinioned? + +As matter of fact, Bencher at head of Table (portly old gentleman, who +looks as if he might be described as a "bottle-a-day-of-port-ly" old +gentleman) shakes hands, coldly, and that's all. Not even a Queen's +Shilling given me, as I am conducted off to another table close by. + +Mystery of disappearance of other candidates explained. Here they +are--all at this table--"all silent, and all called"! It seems that +this is the Barristers' part of the Hall, other the Students'. + +Ceremony not over yet. After dinner we are invited, all twenty, +to dessert and wine with the Benchers--or rather, at the Benchers' +expense, because we don't really see and chat with these great men, +only a single representative, who presides at table in a long bare +room downstairs, resembling a cellar. Benchers' own Common-room above. +Why don't they invite us up there? Bencher, who has come down to +preside over this entertainment, has a rather forbidding air about +him. Seems to be thinking--"I don't care much for this sort of +function. Stupid old custom. But must keep it up, I suppose, for good +of Inn; and Benchers (hang them!) have deputed _me_ to take head of +the table to-night--probably because I look so desperately lively." + +There _is_ a sort of "disinterred liveliness" (to quote Bishop +WILBERFORCE) about him, after all. Tries to joke. No doubt regards us +all as a pack of fools to join over-crowded profession--still, as we +_are_ here, he will try and forget that, in a few years, the majority +of us will probably be starving. + +After an interval, Bored Bencher thinks it necessary to rise and +make little speech. Assures us (_Query_--hyprocrisy?) that we are +all extremely likely to attain to high positions at the Bar. Says +something feebly humorous about Woolsack. Bad taste, because we can't +_all_ sit on Woolsack at once; and mention of it excites feelings of +emulation, almost of animosity, towards other new-fledged Barristers. +I am conscious, for instance, of distinct repulsion towards man on my +right, who is cracking nuts, and who must be a son or nephew of our +Chairman, judging by the familiarity with which he treats latter. +Probably his uncle will flood him with briefs--and that will be called +"making his own way in the world." Pshaw! + +Wine-and-dessert entertainment only lasts an hour. Forbidding Bencher +evidently feels that an hour is as much as he can possibly stand. So +we all depart, except the favoured nephew (or son), who, as I suspect, +"remains to prey" on his uncle (or father), and probably to be invited +in to the _real_ feast which no doubt the Inn worthies are enjoying +upstairs. + +Next morning meet a legal friend, who asks, "When are you to be +presented at Court?" + +"Presented at Court?"--I ask in surprise. + +"Yes--Court of Queen's Bench--ha! ha! You'll have to go one of these +days in wig and gown to the Q.B.D., and inscribe your name in a big +book, and bow to the Judges, and come out." + +"What's the good of doing that?" I want to know. + +"None whatever. An old custom, that's all. A sort of legal fiction, +you know." (_Query_--If a Queen's Counsel writes a novel, isn't _that_ +a real legal fiction?) "You'll feel rather like a little boy going +to a new school. Judges look at you with an air of 'I say, you new +feller, what's your name? Where do you come from? What House are +you in?--then a good kick. They can't kick you, so they glare at you +instead. Interesting ceremony. Ta, ta!" + +It turns out as my friend says. But previously there is the +other little formality of purchasing the trailing garments of the +Profession. Go to a wig-and-gown-maker near the Law Courts. Ask to see +different kinds of wigs. + +"We only make one kind," replies the wig-man, pityingly. "The Patent +Ventilating Anticalvitium. You'll find it as light as a feather, +almost. Made of superfine 'orse-'air." He says this as if he never +got his material from anything below the value of a Derby Winner. + +"Why do you call it the Anticalvitium?" I ask. + +"Because it don't make the 'air fall off, Sir, as all other wigs do." + +Do they? Another objection to the profession. Wish I had known this +before I began to grind for the Bar Exam. Wig-man measures my head. + +"Rather large size, Sir," he remarks. Says it as if I must have +water on the brain at the very least. "Middle Temple, I suppose?"--he +queries. Why? Somehow it would _sound_ more flattering if he had +supposed Inner Temple, instead of Middle. Wonder if I shall ever be +described as an "Outer barrister, of the Inner Temple, with Middling +abilities." Is there a special cut of face belonging to the Inner +Temple, another for the Middle (there _is_ a "middle cut" in salmon, +why not in the law?) and a third for Lincoln's Inn? + +Find, while I am meditating these problems, that I have been "suited" +with a gown, also with a stock of ridiculous little linen flaps, which +are called "bands." Think about "forbidding the bands," but don't know +how to. + + * * * * * + +NOTE FOR THE NEW UNIONISM. + + "Union is Strength." Let lovers of communion + Remember Strength (of language) is _not_ Union! + + * * * * * + +NEW DEFINITION OF A "FEATHER-BED FIGHTER."--A Boxer with gloves over +four ounces in weight. And anything over that, we suppose, must be +considered a "feather-weight." This gives a new significance to the +saying, "You might have knocked me down with a feather." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR M.P. MAKES A LITTLE TOUR IN IRELAND.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. TYMS HIRED A MOUNT WITH THE STAGHOUNDS, BUT QUICKLY +CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT WAS A BRUTAL SHAME TO CHASE THE POOR +DEER UP AND DOWN THOSE HORRIBLE BANKS.] + + * * * * * + +A TALE OF THE TELEPHONE. + +(_A STORY OF WHAT MAY HAPPEN SOME DAY IN GEORGE STREET, HANOVER +SQUARE._) + +There were a few minutes unoccupied before the time appointed for the +ceremony, and so the Pew-opener thought he could not do better than +point out the many excellences of the church to the Bridegroom. + +"You see, Sir," he said, "our pulpit is occupied by the best possible +talent. The Vicar takes the greatest interest in securing every rising +preacher, and thus, Sunday after Sunday, we have the most startling +orations." + +The Bridegroom (slightly bored) said that if he had happened to live +in the neighbourhood, he should certainly have taken sittings. + +"But living in the neighbourhood is not necessary, Sir," persisted the +Pew-opener. "Let into the sounding-board is a telephone, and so our +Vicar can supply the sermons preached here, hot and hot, to residents +in the London Postal District. Considering the quality of the +discourses, he charges a very low rate. The system has been largely +adopted. As a matter of fact the whole service, and not only the +pulpit, has been laid on to the principal Hotels and Clubs." + +But further conversation was here cut short by the arrival of the +Bride, who, led by her brother, advanced towards the altar with an air +of confidence that charmed all beholders. This self-possession was +the outcome of the lady being--as her grey moire-antique indicated--a +widow. Congratulations passed round amongst the friends and relatives, +and then the bridal party was arranged in front of the good old Vicar. + +"Have you switched us on?" said he to the Clerk. + +"Yes, Sir," was the reply. "We are now in communication with all the +principal Hotels and Clubs." + +"That's right. I am always anxious that my clients shall have their +full money's-worth." And then the Vicar read with much emphasis the +exhortation to the public to declare any "just cause or impediment" to +the marriage. Naturally there was no response, and an opening hymn was +sung by the choir, which, containing some half-dozen verses, lasted +quite a quarter of an hour. At its conclusion the Vicar, who had +allowed his attention to become distracted, instead of going on with +the service, again read the exhortation. He once more gave the names +of "HARRY SMITH, bachelor," and "AMY JONES, widow." + +"If anyone knows any just cause or impediment," he continued. + +"Stop; I do!" interrupted a gentleman in a dressing-gown, who had +hurriedly entered the Church. "I heard you about a quarter of an hour +ago, while I was breakfasting at the Shaftesbury Avenue Hotel, ask the +same question, and came here without changing my coat. Very sorry to +interrupt the ceremony, but this lady is my wife! Well, AMY, how are +you?" + +"What, JOEY!" exclaimed the (now) ex-Bride, delightedly. "We _are_ +glad to see you! We thought you were dead!" + +Then the gentleman in the dressing-gown was heartily greeted on all +sides. He seemed to be a very popular personage. + +"But where do I come in?" asked Mr. BROWN, the ex-Bridegroom, who had, +during this scene, shown signs of embarrassment. + +"O JOEY, I quite forgot to introduce you to HARRY," said the ex-Bride. +"You must know one another. I was going to marry him when you, +darling, turned up just in the nick of time, like a dear good old +boy!" + +"Delighted to make your acquaintance, Sir," said Mr. JONES, shaking +Mr. BROWN warmly by the hand. "And now I must go back to finish my +breakfast!" + +"Yes, with me," said the ex-Bride. "You must sit, darling, in the seat +intended for poor HARRY. I know you won't mind, HARRY (or, perhaps, I +ought to call you Mr. BROWN now?), as I have _so_ much to say to dear +JOEY. And you can have your breakfast at a side-table--now won't you, +just to please me? You always are _so_ kind and considerate!" + +And, as the wedding-party left the Church, the Clerk hastily +unswitched the electric communication. + +"Be quiet, Sir!" he whispered, sternly, to Mr. BROWN, who had been +talking to himself. "If our clients heard you, we should be ruined! We +guarantee that our telephonic supply shall be perfectly free from bad +language!" + + * * * * * + +PROPHET AND LOSS.--Good Mussulmen, so it is said, object to a play +entitled _Mahomet_ being produced in London. The objection was +successful in Paris. London Managers (except, perhaps, Sheriff +DRURIOLANUS, who revived _Le Prophete_ this season) will be on the +side of the objectors, as they would rather have to do with a genuine +profit than a fictitious one. Perhaps the non-production of _Mahomet_ +may be a loss to Literature and the Drama. + + * * * * * + +A BACHELOR'S IDYL. + + I am not married, but I see + No life so pleasant as my own; + I think it's good for man to be + Alone. + + Some marry not who once have been-- + A curious process--crossed in love, + Who find a life's experience in + A glove; + + Or else will sentimental grow + At recollections of a dance; + But, luckily for me, I've no + Romance. + + Of course I know "love in a cot,"-- + The little wife who calls you "hub,"-- + But I'm content whilst I have got + My Club. + + In some fine way, I don't know how, + Some fool, some idiot, who lacks + A grain of sense, proposes now + A tax. + + A Tax on Bachelors! Ah, well, + If this becomes the law's decree, + I cheerfully shall pay the _L._ + _S.D._, + + Quite happy with my single lot, + Convinced beyond a doubt that life + Is just worth living it you've not + A wife. + + (A LITTLE LATER.) + + [Illustration] + + I'll sing exaltedly no more, + But sadly in a minor key + Will tell what fortune had in store + For me. + + I rather think, the other day, + That someone asked, "Should women woo?" + I'll answer that without delay-- + They do! + + She came--I foolishly was glad-- + She took me captive with a glance, + Of course I never really had + A chance. + + And when she bent her pretty head + To ask the question, I confess + That what at once with joy I said + Was "Yes." + + She says our wedding is to be + On Monday--quite a swell affair. + My wife and I shall hope to see + You there. + + * * * * * + +"IS THIS THE HEND?" + +The following, headed _Scottish Leader_, was sent to us as a +quotation:-- + + "The Duke of FIFE has sold the estate of Eden, near Banff, + to Mr. THOMAS ADAM, Deputy Chairman of the Great North of + Scotland Railway Company." + +If the above information be correct, this transfer of "Eden" to "ADAM" +looks uncommonly like "Paradise Regained." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Learned Baron.] + +The Baron must say a word about _Voces Populi_, by F. ANSTEY, author +of the immortal _Vice Versa_. That the series contained in this +volume appeared in _Mr. Punch's_ pages is sufficient guarantee for +the excellence of its quality, and more than this it would not become +the Baron to say; but of the illustrations by J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE +the Baron can speak--and speak in terms of the highest admiration +of them--as works of genuinely artistic humour. There are twenty +illustrations, that is, ten brace of Partridges, if he will allow the +Baron so far to make game of him. The book is published by LONGMANS, +GREEN & Co. + +The Leadenhall Press has brought out, in Pocket form, _Prince Dorus_, +by CHARLES LAMB, with nine coloured illustrations, following the +original Edition of 1811. The lines are not very Lamb-like, but the +illustrations are very quaint, and the Pocket Volume is a curiosity of +literature. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +A REALLY VALUABLE SUGGESTION. + +(_TO THE EDITOR OF PUNCH._) + +DEAR SIR,--As the conductor of the recognised organ of the legal +profession, I have the honour to address you. My learned and +accomplished friend. Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C., complained the other +day that there was a right of appeal from the Police Court to the +Bench of Middlesex Magistrates. He said that his colleagues were +barristers and gentlemen of considerable eminence, and in those +characters were better able to decide upon the merits of a case +than the persons who compose the Tribunal to which appeal from their +decision is permissible. I have not recently looked through the list +of Metropolitan Police Magistrates, but, if they have been chosen from +the ranks of literature and law, as they were thirty years ago, I can +well understand that they are an exceedingly capable body of men. +That so accomplished a _litterateur_ and admirable an advocate as my +friend Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS himself should have been raised to the +Magisterial bench, is a proof that the standard has been maintained. +But, Sir, can nothing be done for the other tribunal? + +Would it not be possible to appoint a certain proportion of +stipendiaries, with ample salaries, to that body? What is wanted are +men with a perfect knowledge of the law, and a large experience of +the adversities as well as the pleasures of life. If they occasionally +dabble in literature, so much the better. But, it may be said, where +are such men to be found? I answer, in very many places, and, to +encourage the authorities in their search, shall be most happy to +personally head the list. + +Yours, very faithfully, + +(_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. _Pump-handle Court, Oct. 4th, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +THE GROAN OF THE GUSHLESS. + +(_A SONG A LA SHENSTONE._) + + ["What is described as an Anti-Gush Society has, according + to a Pittsburg paper, been formed in New York, its object + being to check the growing tendency, especially noticeable + among young people of the period, to express themselves in + exaggerated language."] + +_Girl Member of the A.G.S. loq._:-- + + Ye maidens, so cheerful and gay, + Whose words ever fulsomely fall, + Oh, pity your friend, who to-day + Has become a Society's thrall. + Allow me to muse and to sigh, + Nor talk of the change that ye find; + None once was more happy than I; + But, alas! I've left Gushing behind! + + [Illustration] + + Now I know what it is to have strove[1] + With the tortures of verbal desire. + I must use measured terms, where I love, + And be moderate, when I admire. + No slang must my diction adorn, + I must never say "awfully swell." + Alas! I feel flat and forlorn, + I have bidden Girl-Gushing farewell! + + Since I put down my name in that book + I have never called bonnets "divine," + For our Sec. with a soul-shaking look, + Would be down on your friend with a fine. + So the milliners now I pass by; + Though dearly they pleased me of yore; + If a girl musn't gush, squirm, and sigh, + Even shopping becomes quite a bore. + + For "gorgeous" I languish in vain, + And I pine for a "love"--and a "dear." + Oh! why did I vow to be plain-- + In my speech? It sounds awfully queer! + Stop! "Awfully" is not allowed. + Though it _will_ slip out sometimes, I own. + Oh, I might as well sit in my shroud, + As use moderate language alone. + + To force us fair nymphs to forego + The hyperbole dear to our heart, + And the slang without which speech is "slow," + Is to make us a "people apart." + Oh, to say (without fines) "quite too-too!" + For dear "awfully jolly" I yearn. + I would "chuck" all my friends, sweet--save you-- + To the pathways of Gush to return. + + Eh? "_Chuck_" did I say? That is Slang! + And "_Sweet_?" That's decidedly Gush! + Oh, let the A.G.S. go hang! + My old love returns with a rush. + It is "gorgeous" once more to be free, + O'er a frock or a first night to glow. + Come to-morrow! Go shopping with me, + _Ownest own_--and we'll gush as we go! + +[Footnote 1: SHENSTONE, not _Mr. Punch_, is responsible for the +peccant participle.] + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN NELSON MOTTO.--At the Church Congress. Lord NELSON +expressed a strong desire for the union of Dissenters with Churchmen. +If his Lordship's reading of the old Nelsonian motto is "England +expects that every clergyman (Dissenter or Churchman) should do +somebody else's duty," then England will have to wait a considerable +time for the Utopian realisation of this pious wish. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +99., October 11, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12467.txt or 12467.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12467/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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