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diff --git a/old/12466.txt b/old/12466.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..73d48ff --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12466.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1755 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., +September 20, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., September 20, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12466] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +September 20, 1890. + + + + +OUT FOR ANOTHER HOLIDAY. + +(_BY OUR IMPARTIAL AND NOT-TO-BE-BIASSED CRITIC._) + +[Illustration] + +I had been told that Ostend was an excellent place. "Quite a Town of +Palaces!" was the enthusiastic description that had reached me. So I +determined to leave "Delicious Dover" (as the holiday Leader-writer +in the daily papers would call it), and take boat for the Belgian +coast. The sea was as calm as a lake, and the sun lazily touched up +the noses of those who slumbered on the beach. There is an excellent +service of steamers between England and Belgium. This service has +but one drawback--a slight one: the vessels have a way with them +of perpetrating practical jokes. Only a week or so ago one lively +mail-carrier started prematurely, smashing a gangway, and dropping a +portmanteau quietly into the ocean. On my return from foreign shores, +I passed the same cheerful ship lying in mid-channel as helpless as an +infant. However, the accident (something, I fancy, had gone wrong with +the engines) appeared to be treated as more amusing than important. +Still, perhaps, it would be better were the name of this luckless boat +changed to _Le Farceur_; then travellers would know what to expect. +But I must confess that my experiences were perfectly pleasant. The +steamer in which I journeyed crossed the Channel in the advertised +time, and if I wished to be hypercritical, I would merely hint that +the official tariff of the refreshments sold on board is tantalising. +When I wanted cutlets, I was told they were "off," and when I asked +for "cold rosbif," that was "off" too. The _garcon_ (who looked more +like a midshipman than a cabin-boy) took ten minutes to discover this +fact. And as I had to rely upon him for information, I had to wait +even longer before the desired (or rather undesired) intelligence was +conveyed to me. I pride myself upon caring nothing about food, but +this failure to obtain my heart's (or thereabouts') yearning caused me +sore annoyance. + +Well, I reached Ostend. The town of palaces contained a Kursaal and a +Casino. There were also a number of large hotels of the King's Road, +Brighton, _plus_ Northumberland Avenue type. Further, there were +several _maisons meublees_ let out in flats, and (to judge from the +prices demanded and obtained for them) _to_ flats. The _suite_ of +apartments on the ground floor consisted of a small bed-room, a tiny +drawing-room, and a balcony. The balcony was used, as a _salle a +manger_ in fine weather, and a place for the utterance of strong +expressions (so I was informed) when the rain interfered with _al +fresco_ comfort. There was a steam tramway, and some bathing-machines +of the springless throw-you-down-when-you-least-expect-it sort. The +streets, omitting the walk in front of the sea, were narrow, and the +shops about as interesting as those at the poorer end of the Tottenham +Court Road. But these were merely details, the pride of Ostend being +the Kursaal, which reminded me of an engine-house near a London +terminus. I purchased a ticket for the Kursaal and the Casino. There +was to be a concert at the first and a ball at the last. I soon had +enough of the concert, and started for the ball. + +It was then that I found a regulation in force that made my cheeks +tingle with indignation as an Englishman. Although the tickets +costing three francs a piece, were said to secure admittance to the +Kursaal and the Casino, I noticed that children--good and amiable +children--were not allowed to enter the latter place. I could +understand the feelings of a gentleman who attempted to obtain access +for his eldest lad--a gallant boy of some fourteen summers, and a +baker's dozen of winters. My heart went out to that British Father +as he disputed with the Commissaires at the doorway, and called the +attention of the Representative of "the Control" to the fact that +his _billet_ was misleading. "You are an Englishman," said the +Representative of the Control, "and the English observe the law." +"Yes," returned the angry Father; "but in England the Law would +support one in obtaining that for which one had paid. My son has +paid for admission to the Kursaal and the Casino! He is refused +admittance to the Casino, therefore this ticket of his spreads false +intelligence! It is a liar! It is a miserable! It should be called the +traitor ticket!" But all was useless. The gallant lad had to remain +with the umbrellas! I could not help sympathising with that father. +I could not refrain from agreeing with him, that where such a thing +was possible, something must be entirely wrong. I could not deny that +under the circumstances Ostend was a sham, a delusion, and a snare! +When he observed that Ostend was grotesquely expensive, I admitted +that he was right. When he said that it was not a patch upon Boulogne +or Dieppe, I again acquiesced. When he asserted that every English +tourist would be wise to avoid the place, I acknowledged that there +was the genuine ring of truth in his declaration. When he appealed to +me, as a dispassionate observer, to say whether I did not consider the +conduct of the authorities arbitrary, unjust, and absurd, I was forced +to admit that I _did_ consider that conduct absolutely indefensible. +Lastly, when he announced that he intended never to say another word +in praise of Ostend, I confessed that I had come in my own mind to the +same determination. + +P.S.--I may add that I was accompanied by my son, who was also refused +admittance. But this is a matter of purely personal interest, and has +nothing whatever to do with it. + + * * * * * + +THE CACHET OF CASH AT DRURY LANE. + +[Illustration: Medal found in the Neighbourhood of Drury Lane.] + +_A Million of Money_, "a new military, sporting, and spectacular +Drama," is a marvel of stage management. No better things than the +_tableaux_ of the Derby Day, the grounds of the Welcome Club, and the +departure of the Guards from Wellington Barracks for foreign parts +have been seen for many a long year. In such a piece the dialogue is +a matter of secondary consideration, and even the story is of no great +importance. That the plot should remind one of Drury Lane successes +in the past is not surprising, considering that one of the authors +(who modestly places his name second on the programme, when everyone +feels that it should come first) has been invariably associated with +those triumphs of scenic art. AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS has beaten his +own record, and the _Million of Money_ so lavishly displayed behind +the scenes, is likely to be rivaled by the takings in front of the +Curtain--or to be more exact, at the Box-office. The Authors, in more +senses than one, have carried money into the house. But they have done +more--they have inculcated a healthy moral. While Mr. HENRY ARTHUR +JONES is teaching audiences a lessen in _Judah_, that would have +received the enthusiastic approval of the philanthropic Earl of +SHAFTESBURY, after whom Shaftesbury Theatre is, no doubt, called, the +great HARRIS and the lesser PETTIT are showing us in the character of +the _Rev. Gabriel Maythorne_, a Parson that would as certainly have +secured the like hearty good-will at the same shadowy hands. The Rev. +Gentleman is a clergyman that extorts the admiration of everyone +whose good opinion is worth securing. He apparently is a "coach," +and (seemingly) allows his pupils so much latitude that one of them, +_Harry Dunstable_ (Mr. WARNER), is able to run up to town with his +(the Reverend's) daughter secretly, marry her, and stay in London for +an indefinite period. And he (the Parson) has no absurd prejudices--no +narrow-mindedness. He goes to the Derby, where he appears to be +extremely popular at luncheon-time amongst the fair ladies who +patronise the tops of the drags, and later on becomes quite at home +at an illuminated _fete_ at the Exhibition, amidst the moonlight, and +a thousand additional lamps. It is felt that the Derby is run with +this good man's blessing; and everyone is glad, for, without it, in +spite of the horses, jockeys, carriages, acrobats, gipsies, niggers, +grooms, stable-helps, and pleasure-seekers, the _tableau_ would be +aesthetically incomplete. And the daughter of the Reverend is quite as +interesting as her large-hearted sire. She, too, has no prejudices (as +instance, the little matrimonial trip to London); and when she has to +part with her husband, on his departure (presumably _en route_ to the +Bermudas), she requires the vigorous assistance' of a large detachment +of Her Majesty's Guards to support her in her bereavement. Of the +actors, Mr. CHARLES GLENNEY, as a broken-down gentleman, is certainly +the hero of the three hours and a half. In Act III., on the night +of the first performance, he brought down the house, and received +two calls before the footlights after the Curtain had descended. +He has many worthy colleagues, for instance, Mr. HARRY NICHOLLS, +Miss MILLWARD, Mr. CHARLES WARNER, and Miss FANNY BROUGH, are all +that could be desired in their respective lines. But, well cast as +it undoubtedly is, the play has vitality within it that does not +depend for existence upon the efforts of the company. It is good all +round--scenery, dresses, properties, and effects--and will keep its +place at Drury Lane until dislodged by the Pantomime at Christmas. + + * * * * * + +CHANGE OF NAME A LA SUISSE.--Tessin and its quarrelsome inhabitants +to be known in future as a Can't-get-on instead of a Canton. + + * * * * * + +MORE FROM OUR YOTTING YORICK. + +[Illustration: Swedish Politeness.] + +STOCKHOLM approached by lovely river (that is, we approached Stockholm +by lovely river), with banks and hills covered with pine and birch +trees, and studded with villas, where the Stockholm people live away +from the town. "Studded" is a good word, but phrase sounds too much +like "studied with SASS," as so many of our best artists did. Lovely +for boating. Why don't the Swedes row? _They don't._ Lots of islands, +and everybody as jolly as sand-boys, especially on Sanday. By the way, +what's a "sand-boy"? Why _toujours_ jolly? + +Stockholm a stunning place, all built round a huge palace, copy of +the Pitti Palace in Florence. Lifts to take the people up-hill, and a +circular tramway all round the town for one penny. Lots of soldiers in +uniforms like Prussians or Russians, whichever you like. Such swagger +policemen, all tall and handsome, with beautiful helmets and lovely +coats. What would an English cook say to them? + +Cathedral with tombs of GUSTAVUS VASA, GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS, and +BERNADOTTE. What was BERNADOTTE doing here? Didn't like to ask. Piled +up with kettledrums and flags taken from the Russians. I noticed in +Russia their churches were equally piled up with drums and flags taken +from the Swedes. Exchange is no robbery. + +[Illustration: Snack Sideboard. "Lax and Snax."] + +Lunch. First view of the Swedish snacks before lunch and dinner. A +side-table with caviare Lax, cut reindeer tongue, sausages, brown +bread, prawns, kippered herrings, radishes, sardines, crawfish, +cheeses. Should spell it "Lax and Snax." Three silver tubs of +spirit--Pommerans, Renadt, and Kummin--tried 'em all. All good. "We +had a good time--Kummin." The Kummin was goin',--rather. Ceiling of +_restaurant_ all mirrors--self keeping an eye on self. + +National Museum. Splendid collection. Stone, bronze, and iron periods. +Poor pictures. No end of palaces to see, till one is sick of 'em. + +[Illustration: Fete in Honour of the Poet Bellman.] + +Swedes have a poet, BELLMAN, evidently who wrote Bacchanalian songs. +They have a national holiday on July the 26th, and go to _Fete_ in +a Wood, where bronze head of BELLMAN is, cover it with garlands and +roses, and sing and have a good time before it, just like an old Greek +offering to Bacchus. I saw it. And in the evening a _fete_ where +they carry a child got up as Bacchus, and seated on a barrel with a +wine-cup. A regular jolly drinking procession. They have a wonderful +open air _restaurant_ called The Hasselbacken, where you dine in +delightful little green arbours, and lots of Swedish girls about. +Capital dinners, A 1 wine, and first-rate music with full band. No +charge to go in; you pay before leaving, though. Very good waiting. + +[Illustration: Dinner in the Arbour.] + +The Swedes are very polite, and take their hats off on the slightest +provocation, and keep them off a long time, specially whilst talking +to a lady. When talking to _two_ ladies, of course they keep 'em off +double the time. + +Altogether a delightful place. But they all say you should come in the +_winter_. Wish I could. FLOTSAM, Y.A. + +P.S.--The Swedish girls are as a rule very handsome. Tall, with long +legs. Men good-looking also. + +I can't very well do myself; I can "do myself" remarkably well, but I +mean I cannot sketch myself in a cut; but _Mr. Punch_, in cuts I have +done, is far more expressive than I can make anyone else. + + * * * * * + +THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON (_with Mr. Punch's kind regards_).--The +most Popular of Colonial Strikers--Our illustrious guests, the +Australian Cricketers. + + * * * * * + +"WANTED!" + +WANTED, by a well-travelled lady, of aesthetic and refined tastes, a +comfortable and congenial home with a Duchess. The Advertiser, who is +a person of much intelligence, and a most agreeable gossip, regards +her pleasant companionship as an equivalent for the social advantages +(including carriage-drives, and an introduction to the very best +society), for which she is prepared to offer the very handsome +remuneration of ten shillings a week. + + * * * * * + +HORSE WANTED.--Must have been placed in a recent Derby, and show a +good racing record. Thoroughly sound in wind and limb, expected to +be equal to carrying 13 stone in the Park, or to doing any work from +a four-in-hand down to single harness in a hearse. On the advertiser +being furnished with a suitable beast, he will be prepared to put +down a five-pound note for him, payable by ten-shilling monthly +instalments. + + * * * * * + +HOME REQUIRED FOR AN INDIAN CHIEF.--The Advertiser, who has recently +received a consignment of Savages from Patagonia, and has had to +entertain their Monarch in his residence at Bayswater, as he is +about to pay a four weeks' visit to the Continent, is anxious in +the meantime to find a suitable home for him in some quiet suburban +family, who would not object to some fresh and lively experience +introduced into the routine of their domestic circle, in consideration +for a small payment to defray the slight extra cost involved in his +support. He will give little trouble, an empty attic furnished with a +hearth-rug supplying him with all the accommodation he will require, +while his food has hitherto consisted of tripe, shovelled to him on a +pitchfork, and stout mixed with inferior rum, of which he gets through +about a horse-pailful a day. His chief recreation being a "Demon's +War Dance," in which he will, if one be handy, hack a clothes-horse to +pieces with his "baloo," or two-edged chopper-axe, he might be found +an agreeable inmate by an aged and invalid couple, who would relish a +little unusual after-dinner excitement, as a means of passing away a +quiet evening or two. Applicants anxious to secure the Chief should +write at once. Three-and-sixpence a-week will be paid for his keep, +which, supplying the place of the rum in his drink (which has been +tried with effect) with methylated spirit mixed with treacle, affords +an ample margin for a handsome profit on the undertaking. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MUCH MORE SUITABLE. + +NEW UNIFORM FOR HER MAJESTY'S HORSE GUARDS, SUGGESTED TO MR. PUNCH BY +RECENT CAVALRY EVOLUTIONS ON THE THAMES.] + + * * * * * + +DEVELOPMENT. + +(_WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO THE AUTHOR OF "PATIENCE."_) + + ["Even a colour-sense is more important in the development + of the individual than a sense of right and wrong."--OSCAR + WILDE.] + + If you're anxious to develop to a true hedonic "swell," hop on a + pinnacle apart, + Like a monkey on a stick, and your phrases quaintly pick, and then + prattle about Art. + Take some laboured paradoxes, and, like Samson's flaming foxes, let + them loose amidst the corn + (Or the honest commonplaces) of the Philistines whose graces you + regard with lofty scorn. + And every one will say, + As you squirm your wormy way, + "If this young man expresses himself in terms that stagger _me_, + What a very singularly smart young man this smart young man must be!" + + You may be a flabby fellow, and lymphatically yellow, that will + matter not a mite. + If you take yourself in hand, in a way you'll understand, to become + a Son of Light. + On your crassness superimposing the peculiar art of glosing in sleek + phrases about Sin. + If you aim to be a Shocker, carnal theories to cocker is _the_ best way + to begin. + And every one will say, + As you worm your wicked way, + "If that's allowable for _him_ which were criminal in _me_, + What a very emancipated kind of youth this kind of youth must be." + + Human virtues you'll abhor all, and be down upon the Moral in + uncompromising style. + Your critical analysis will reduce to prompt paralysis every _motor_ + that's not vile. + You will show there's naught save virtue that can seriously hurt you, + or your liberty enmesh; + And you'll find excitement, plenty, in Art's _dolce far niente_, with a + flavour of the flesh. + And every one will say, + As you lounge your upward way, + "If he's content with a do-nothing life, which would certainly not + suit _me_. + What a most particularly subtle young man this subtle young man must be!" + + Then having swamped morality in "intensified personality" (which, + of course, must mean your own), + And the "rational" abolished and "sincerity" demolished, you will + find that you have _grown_ + With a "colour-sense" fresh handselled (whilst the moral ditto's + cancelled) you'll develop into--well, + What Philistia's fools malicious might esteem a _vaurien_ vicious + (_alias_ "hedonic swell"). + And every one will say, + As you writhe your sinuous way. + "If the highest result of the true 'Development' is decomposition, + why see + What a very perfectly developed young man this developed young man + must be." + + With your perky paradoxes, and your talk of "crinkled ox-eyes," and + of books in "Nile-green skin." + That show forth unholy histories, and display the "deeper mysteries" + of strange and subtle Sin. + You can squirm, and glose, and hiss on, and awake that _nouveau_ + _frisson_ which is Art's best gift to life. + And "develop"--like some cancer (in the Art-sphere) whose best answer + is the silent surgeon's knife! + And every _man_ will say, + As you wriggle on your way, + "If 'emotion for the sake of emotion _is_ the aim of Art,' dear me! + What a morbidly muckily emotional young man the 'developed' young + man must be!" + + * * * * * + +THE AMERICAN GIRL. + + [An American Correspondent of _The Galignani Messenger_ is + very severe on the manners of his fair countrywomen.] + +[Illustration] + + She "guesses" and she "calculates," she wears all sorts o' collars, + Her yellow hair is not without suspicion of a dye; + Her "Pappa" is a dull old man who turned pork into dollars. + But everyone admits that she's indubitably spry. + + She did Rome in a swift two days, gave half the time to Venice, + But vows that she saw everything, although in awful haste; + She's fond of dancing, but she seems to fight shy of lawn-tennis, + Because it might endanger the proportions of her waist. + + Her manner might be well defined as elegantly skittish; + She loves a Lord as only a Republican can do; + And quite the best of titles she's persuaded are the British, + And well she knows the Peerage, for she reads it through and through. + + She's bediamonded superbly, and shines like a constellation, + You scarce can see her fingers for the multitude of rings; + She's just a shade too conscious, so it seems, of admiration, + With irritating tendencies to wriggle when she sings. + + She owns she is "Amur'can," and her accent is alarming; + Her birthplace has an awful name you pray you may forget; + Yet, after all, we own "_La Belle Americaine_" is charming, + So let us hope she'll win at last her long-sought coronet. + + * * * * * + +TIPS FROM THE TAPE. + +(_PICKED UP IN MR. PUNCH'S OWN SPECIAL CITY CORNER._) + +In my last I announced that I was busily giving my mind to the +launching of a new "Combination Pool" over the satisfactory results +of which to all concerned in it, under certain contingencies, I had no +shadow of a doubt. This I have since managed to float on the market, +and, though I worked it on a principle of my own, which, for want of +a better description, I have styled amalgamated "Profit and Loss," +I regret to have to inform those clients who have entrusted me with +their cheques in the hopes of getting, _as I really fully believed +they would_, 700 per cent. for their money in three days, that I +have had to close the speculation rather suddenly, and I fear, as the +following illustrative figures will show in a fashion that not only +deprives me of the pleasure of enclosing them a cheque for Profits, +but obliges me to announce to them that their cover has disappeared. +The Stocks with which I operated were "Drachenfonteim Catapults," +"Catawanga Thirty-fives," and "Blinker's Submarine Explosives." The +ILLUSTRATION, I hoped, _would have stood as follows_:-- + + L100 invested in Drachenfonteim Catatpults, + showing profit of 1 per cent....L100 + + L100 invested in Catawanga Thirty-fives, + showing profit of 21/2 per cent....L250 + + L300 invested in Blinker's Submarine Explosives, + showing profit of 3 per cent....L900 + + Gross Profits....L1250 + +Unfortunately, however, the real figures came out rather differently, +for they stood, I regret to say, as under:-- + + L100 invested in Drachenfonteim Catapults, + at a loss of 5 per cent....L500 + + L100 invested in Catawanga Thirty-fives, + at a loss of 7 per cent....L700 + + L300 invested in Blinker's Submarine Explosives, + at a loss of 4 per cent....L1200 + + Total loss....L2400 + +This, I need scarcely say, has at present not only eaten up every +halfpenny of cover, but a great deal besides; and I am not sure that I +shall not have to come down on my clients to make good the balance. I +cannot account for the result, except from the fact that a new clerk +read out the wrong tape; and when I telephoned to my West-End Private +Inquiry Agent about these very three Stocks, he appears not to have +heard me distinctly, and thought I was asking him about Goschens, the +old Three-per-Cents., and Bank Stock, about which, of course, he could +only report favourably. It is an awkward mistake, but, as I point out +to all my clients, one must not regard the Dealer as infallible. These +things will occur. However, I am going to be more careful in future; +and I may as well announce now, that on Monday next I am about to open +a new Syndicate Combination Pool, with a Stock about which I have made +the most thorough and exhaustive inquiries, with the result that I +am convinced an enormous fortune will be at the command of anyone who +will entrust me with a sufficiently large cheque in the shape of cover +to enable me to realise it. + +For obvious reasons I keep the name of this Stock at present a dead +secret. Suffice it to say, that the operation in question is connected +with an old South-American Gold Mine, about to be reworked under the +auspices of a new company who have bought it for a mere song. When I +tell my clients that I have got all my information from the Chairman, +_who took down under his greatcoat a carpet-bag full of crushed quartz +carefully mixed with five ounces of gold nuggets_, and emptied this +out at the bottom of a disused shaft, and then got a Yankee engineer +to report the discovery of ore in "lumps as big as your fist," and +state this in the new prospectus, they will at once see what a solid +foundation I have for this new venture, which must inevitably fly +upwards by leaps and bounds as soon as the shares are placed upon the +market. Of course, when the truth comes out, there will be a reaction, +but my clients may trust me to be on the look-out for that, and, after +floating with all their investments to the top of the tide, to get +out of the concern with enormous profits before the bubble eventually +bursts. It is by a command of information of this kind that I hope to +ensure the confidence and merit the support of my friends and patrons. +Remember Monday next, and bear in mind a cheque for three-and-sixpence +covers L5000. The subjoined is from my correspondence:-- + +Sir,--I have as trustee for five orphan nieces to invest for each +of them L3 18s. 9d., left them by a deceased maternal cousin. How +ought I to invest this to the greatest advantage with a due regard +to security. What do you say to Goschens? Or would you recommend Rio +Diavolos Galvanics? These promise a dividend of 70 per cent., and +although they have not paid one for some time, are a particularly +cheap stock at the present market price, the scrip of the Five per +Cent. Debenture Stock being purchased by a local butterman at seven +pounds for a halfpenny. A Spanish Nobleman who holds some of this, +will let me have it even cheaper. What would you advise me to do? +Yours, &c. A TRUSTEE IN A FOG. + +Don't touch Goschens, they are not a speculative Stock. You certainly +might do worse than the Rio Diavolos Galvanics. Do not hesitate, but +put the little all of your five orphan nieces into them at once, and +_wait for the rise_. + + * * * * * + +ON THE CARDS. + +(_BY A WHIST-LOVING MALADE-IMAGINAIRE._) + + Oh, where shall I hit on a "perfect cure"? + (What ails me I am not quite sure that I'm sure) + To Nice, where the weather is nice--with vagaries? + The Engadine soft or the sunny Canaries? + To Bonn or Wiesbaden? My doctor laconic + Declares that the Teutonic air is too tonic. + Shall I do Davos-Platz or go rove the Riviera? + Or moon for a month in romantic Madeira? + St. Moritz or Malaga, Aix, La Bourboule? + Bah! My doctor's a _farceur_ and I am--a fool. + I will _not_ try Switzerland, Norway, or Rome. + I'll go in for a rest and a rubber--at home. + A Windermere wander, _and_ Whist, I feel sure, + Will give what I'm seeking, a true "Perfect Cure." + + * * * * * + +A BUBBLE FROM THE SUDS.--A Firm of Soap-boilers have been sending +round a circular to "Dramatic Authors" of established reputation, and +(no doubt) others, offering to produce gratis the best piece submitted +to them at a "_Matinee_ performance at a West End Theatre." The only +formality necessary to obtain this sweet boon is the purchase of a box +of the Firm's soap, which will further contain a coupon "entitling +the owner to send in one new and original play for reading." The idea +that a Dramatic Author of any standing would submit his work to such a +tribunal, even with the dazzling prospect of a _Matinee in futuro_, is +too refreshing! However, as literary men nowadays fully appreciate the +value of their labour, the idea, in spite of the soap with which it is +associated, may be dismissed with the words, "Won't Wash!" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Why doesn't some publisher bring out _The Utterbosh Series_, for, upon +my word, says the Baron, the greater part of the books sent in for +"notice" are simply beneath it. Here's one on which I made notes as +I went on, as far as I could get through it. It is called _Nemesis: +a Moral Story_, by SETON CREWE. Its sole merit would have been its +being in one volume, were it not that this form, being a bait to the +unwary, aggravates the offence. The heroine is _Lucinda_, a milliner's +apprentice. Being compromised by a young gentleman under age, who +suddenly quits the country, she goes to confess her sin to the +simple-minded Curate, who sees no way out of the difficulty except +by marrying his penitent, which he does, and after the christening +of her first-born, a joyous event that occurs at no great interval +after the happy wedding-day, the Curate, the _Reverend Mr. Smith_, +is transferred by his Bishop from this parish to somewhere else a +considerable distance off, whence, after a variety of troubles, he +goes abroad as a travelling watering-place clergyman. After this, +his wife becomes a Roman Catholic for six months, and then developes +into a thoroughpaced infidel of generally loose character. She takes +up with a Lion Comique of the Music-Halls, who is summarily kicked +down-stairs by the _Reverend Mr. Smith_ on his return home one +evening. And at this point I closed the book, not caring one dump what +became of any of the characters, or of the book, or of the writer, +and unable to wait for the moral of this highly "moral story," which, +I dare say, might have done me a great deal of good. So I turned to +_Vanity Fair_, and re-read for the hundredth time, and with increased +pleasure, the great scene where _Rawdon Crawley_, returning home +suddenly, surprises _Becky_ in her celebrated _tete-a-tete_ with my +_Lord Steyne_. + +[Illustration] + +With pleasure the Baron welcomes Vol. No. IV. of ROUTLEDGE's +_Carisbrooke Library_, which contains certain _Early Prose Romances_, +the first and foremost among them being the delightful fable of +_Reynart the Fox_. Have patience with the old English, refer to the +explanatory notes, and its perusal will well repay every reader. How +came it about that modern _Uncle Remus_ had caught so thoroughly the +true spirit of this Mediaeval romance? I forget, at this moment, who +wrote _Uncle Remus_--and I beg his pardon for so doing--but whoever +it was, he professed only to dress up and record what he had actually +heard from a veritable _Uncle Remus_. _Brer Rabbit_, _Brer Fox_, and +_Old Man Bar_, are not the creatures of _AEsop's Fables_; they are the +characters in _Reynart the Fox_. The tricks, the cunning, the villany +of _Reynart_, unredeemed by aught except his affection for his wife +and family, are thoroughly amusing, and his ultimate success, and +increased prosperity; present a truer picture of actual life than +novels in which vice is visibly punished, and virtue patiently +rewarded. And once more I call to mind the latter days of _Becky's_ +career. + +Speaking of THACKERAY, Messrs. CASSELL & Co. have just brought out +a one-and-threepenny edition ("the threepence be demmed!") of the +_Yellowplush Papers_, with a dainty canary-coloured _Jeames_ on the +cover. At the same time the same firm produce, in the same form, _The +Last Days of Pompeii_, _The Last Days of Palmyra_, and _The Last of +the Mohicans_. Odd, that the first issue of this new series should +be nearly all "Lasts." _The Yellowplush Papers_ might have been kept +back, and _The Last of the Barons_ been substituted, just to make the +set of lasts perfect. The expression is suggestive of Messrs. CASSELL +going in for the shoemaking trade. _The Last Days of Palmyra_ I have +never read. "I will try it," says the bold Baron. + +But what means this new style of printing on thin double sheets? One +advantage is that no cutting is required. If this form become the +fashion, better thus to bring out the _Utterbosh Series_, which shall +then escape the critics' hands,--no cutting being required. There are, +as those who use the paper-knife to these volumes will discover, in +this new issue of Messrs. CASSELL's, two blank pages for every two +printed ones, so that a new novel might be written in MS. inside the +printed one. The paper is good and clean to the touch; but I prefer +the stiff cover to the limp, "there's more backbone about it," says +the + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + +Scarcely time to bring out a pocket edition (like those genuine +pocketable and portable editions, the red-backed ROUTLEDGES) of _The +Bride of Lammermoor_, between now and the date of its production, next +Saturday, at the Lyceum. But worth while doing it as soon as possible. +_Advice gratis_. B. DE B.-W. + +P.S.--(_Important to Authors and Scribblers_.)--Unfortunately the +Baron has been compelled to take to his bed (which he doesn't "take +to" at all--but this by the way), and there write. Once more he begs +to testify to the excellence both of _The Hairless Author's Pad_--no +_The Author's Hairless Pad_--and of the wooden rest and frame into +which it fits. Nothing better for an invalid than rest for his frame, +and here are rest and frame in one. Given these (or, if not "given," +purchased), and a patent indelible-ink-lead pencil (whose patent +I don't know, as, with much use, the gold-lettering is almost +obliterated from mine, and all I can make out is the word "Eagle"), +and the convalescent author may do all his work in comfort, without +mess or muddle; and hereto, once again, I set my hand and seal, so +know all men by these presents, all to the contrary nevertheless and +notwithstanding. B. DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +GREEN PASTURES _OR_ PICCADILLY? + +_TO THE EDITOR._ + +[Illustration] + +Sir,--I see that you have opened your columns to a discussion of the +relative advantages of life in London and the Suburbs. I don't think +that really the two can be compared. If you want _perfect quietude_ +can you get it better than in a place where, between nine and six, not +a single male human being is visible, all of them being in town? Some +people may call this dull; but I like it. Then everything is so cheap +in the Suburbs! I only pay L100 a year for a nice house in a street, +with a small bath-room, and a garden quite as large as a full-sized +billiard-table. People tell me I could get the same thing in London, +but of course a suburban street must be nicer than a London one. +We are just outside the Metropolitan main drainage system, and our +death-rate is rather heavy, but then our rates are light. My butcher +only charges me one-and-twopence a pound for best joints, and though +this is a little dearer than London, the meat is probably more +wholesome from being in such good air as we enjoy. In wintertime the +journey to town, half-an-hour by train, has a most bracing effect on +those capable of bearing severe cold. For the rest, the incapables +are a real blessing to those who sell mustard-plasters and extra-sized +pocket-handkerchiefs. Our society is so select and refined that I +verily believe Belgravia can show nothing like it! Yours obediently, + +FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD. + + +Sir,--The Suburbs are certainly delightful, if you have a good train +service; but this you seldom get. I do not complain of our Company +taking three-quarters of an hour to perform the distance of eight and +a half miles to the City, as this seems a good, average suburban rate, +but I do think the "fast" train (which performs the distance in that +time) might start a little later than 8.30 A.M. Going in to business +at 10.30 by an "ordinary" train, which stops at sixteen stations, and +takes an hour and a half, becomes after a time rather monotonous. It +involves a painful "Rush in Urbe" to get through business in time to +catch the 4.30 "express" back, a train which (theoretically) stops +nowhere. + +COUNTRY CUSSIN'. + + +Sir,--No more London for me! I've tried it, and know what it's like. +I have found a delightful cottage, twenty miles from town, and mean to +live in it always. Do we ever have one of your nasty yellow fogs here? +Never! Nothing more than a thick white mist, which rises from the +fields and envelopes the house every night. It is true that several +of our family complain of rheumatism, and when I had rheumatic fever +myself a month ago, I found it a little inconvenient being six +miles from a doctor and a chemist's shop. But then my house is so +picturesque, with an Early English wooden porch (which can be kept +from falling to pieces quite easily by hammering a few nails in now +and then, and re-painting once a week), and no end of gables, which +only let the water into the bedrooms in case of a _very_ heavy shower. +Then think of the delights of a garden, and a field (for which I pay +L20 a year, and repair the hedges), and chickens! I don't think I have +spent more than L50 above what I should have done in London, owing to +the necessity of fitting up chicken-runs and buying a conservatory +for my wife, who is passionately fond of flowers. Unfortunately my +chickens are now moulting, and decline to lay again before next March; +so I bring back fresh eggs from town, and, as my conservatory is +not yet full, flowers from Covent Garden; and I can assure you that, +until you try it, you cannot tell the amount of pleasure and exercise +which walking a couple of miles (the distance of my cottage from the +station), laden with groceries and other eatables, can be made to +afford. Yours chirpily, + +FIELD-FARE. + + * * * * * + +GOOD FOR SPORT!--A well-known chartered accountant, with a vulpine +patronymic, complains of the unkind treatment he recently received in +Cologne at the hands of the German police. He should be consoled +by the thought, that his persecution marked in those latitudes the +introduction of Fox-hunting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: YANKEE EXCLUSIVENESS. + +_Young Britisher_. "YOUR FATHER'S NOT WITH YOU THEN, MISS VAN TROMP?" + +_Fair New York Millionnairess_ (_one of three_). "WHY, NO--PA'S MUCH +TOO VULGAR! IT'S AS MUCH AS WE CAN DO TO STAND MA!"] + + * * * * * + +THE QUICKSAND! + + Is this the Eagle-hunter, + The valiant fate-confronter, + The soldier brave, and blunter + Of speech than BISMARCK's self? + This bungler all-disgracing, + This braggart all-debasing. + This spurious sportsman, chasing + No nobler prey than pelf? + + The merest "fly in amber," + _He_ after eagles clamber? + Nay, faction's ante-chamber + Were fitter place for him, + A trifler transitory, + To gasconade of "glory"! + He'd foul fair France's story, + Her lustre pale and dim. + + _Les Coulisses?_ Ah, precisely! + They suit his nature nicely, + Who bravely, nobly, wisely, + Can hardly even "act." + _Histrio_ all _blague_ and blather, + Is it not pity, rather, + One Frenchman should foregather + With him in selfish pact? + + In selfish pact--but silly. + _His_ neighbouring, willy-nilly, + Must smirch the Bee, the Lily, + Or stain the snow-white flag. + Wielder of mere stage-dagger, + Loud lord of empty swagger, + In peril's hour a lagger. + A Paladin of Brag! + + And now his venture faileth, + And now his valour paleth; + _Et apres?_ What availeth + His aid to those who'd use him? + Imperial or Royal, + What "patron" will prove loyal + Unto this "dupe"? They'll joy all + To mock, expose, abuse him! + + But from the contest shrinking, + The draught of failure drinking, + In trickery's quicksand sinking, + Pulls he not others down? + Will PLON-PLON stand securely, + The COMTE pose proudly, purely, + Whilst slowly but most surely + Their tool must choke or drown? + + Indifferent France sits smiling. + And what avails reviling? + Such pitch without defiling + Can "Prince" or "Patriot" touch? + This quicksand unromantic + Closes on him, the Antic, + Whose hands with gestures frantic + Contiguous coat-tails clutch. + + The furious factions splutter, + Power's cheated claimants mutter, + And foiled fire-eaters utter + Most sanguinary threats. + "_He_ Freedom's fated suckler? + The traitor, trickster, truckler!" + So fumes the fierce swash-buckler, + And his toy-rapier whets. + + But will that quicksand only + Engulph _him_ lost and lonely? + The fraud exposed, the known lie, + The bribe at length betrayed, + Must whelm this sham detected, + But what may be expected + From "Honour" shame-infected, + And "Kingship" in the shade? + + * * * * * + +THE RAVENSTEIN. + + [Mr. RAVENSTEIN, at the British Association, considered + the question, how long it will be before the world becomes + over-populated.] + +_Punch to the Prophet_. + + Prophet of o'er-population, your ingenious calculation, + Causeth discombobulation only in the anxious mind + That forecasts exhausted fuel, or the period when the duel + Will have given their final gruel to French journalists; a kind + Of cantankerous, rancorous spitfires, blusterous, braggart, boyish, blind, + Who much mourning scarce would find. + + Prophet of o'er-population, when the centuries in rotation + Shall have filled our little planet till it tends to running o'er, + Will this world, with souls o'erladen, be a Hades or an Aidenn? + Will man, woman, boy and maiden, be less civilised, or more? + _That's_ the question, RAVENSTEIN! What boots a billion, less or more, + If Man still is fool or boor? + + "Seek not to proticipate" is _Mrs. Gamp's_ wise maxim. Great is + Mankind's number _now_, but "take 'em as they come, and as they go," + Like the philosophic _Sairey_; and though the sum total vary, + Other things may vary likewise, things we dream not, much less know, + Don't you think, my RAVENSTEIN, our state ten centuries hence or so + We may prudently--let go? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE QUICKSAND!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREPARING FOR BLACK MONDAY. + +_Paterfamilias_ (_reading School Report_). "AH, MY BOY, THIS ISN'T SO +GOOD AS IT MIGHT BE. 'LATIN INDIFFERENT,' 'FRENCH POOR,' 'ARITHMETIC +NOTHING'?" + +_Tommy._ "AH, BUT LOOK DOWN THERE, PAPA. '_HEALTH EXCELLENT'!_"] + + * * * * * + +TO A TRUMPETING DEMOCRAT. + + [MR. ANDREW CARNEGIE, the Iron King and millionnaire of + Pittsburg, has been addressing big audiences in Scotland. + Amongst his remarks were the following:--"It is said that in + America, although we have no aristocracy, we are cursed with + a plutarchy. Let me tell you about that. A man who carries a + million dollars on his back carries a load.... When I speak + against the Royal Family I do not condescend to speak of + the creatures who form the Royal Family--persons are so + insignificant.... We laugh at your ideas in this petty little + country having anything to say to the free and independent + citizens who walk through Canada, Australia, and America. + You know how to get rid of a Monarchy. Brazil has taught + you."--&c., &c.] + + CARNEGIE, pray take notice, since I know that it would blister + The thin skin of a democrat, I drop the title "Mr.," + You have talked a lot of bunkum, all mixed up with most terrific cant. + But you truly said that "persons are so very insignificant;" + And the author of a speech I read, part scum and partly dreggy, + Is perhaps the least significant--that windbag named CARNEGIE. + But your kindness most appals me, Sir; how really, truly gracious, + For one whose home is in the States, free, great, and most capacious, + To come to poor old England (where the laws but make the many fit + To lick a Royal person's boots), and all for England's benefit. + To preach to us, and talk to us, to tell us how effete we are, + How like a flock of silly sheep who merely baa and bleat we are. + And how "this petty little land," which prates so much of loyalty, + Is nothing but a laughing-stock to Pittsburg Iron-Royalty. + How titles make a man a rake, a drunkard, and the rest of it, + While plain (but wealthy) democrats in Pittsburg have the best of it. + How, out in Pennsylvania, the millionnaires are panting + (Though there's something always keeps them fat) for monetary banting. + How free-born citizens complain, with many Yankee curses, + Of fate which fills, in spite of them, their coffers and their purses. + How, if the man be only poor, there's nothing that can stop a cit + In Yankeeland, while here with us the case is just the opposite. + How honest British working-men who fail to fill their larder + Should sail for peace and plenty by the very next Cunarder. + And how, in short, if Britishers want freedom gilt with millions, + They can't do wrong to imitate the chivalrous Brazilians. + + Well, well, I know we have our faults, quite possibly a crowd of them, + And sometimes we deceive ourselves by thinking we are proud of them; + But we never can have merited that _you_ should set the law to us, + And rail at us, and sneer at us, and preach to us, and "jaw" to us. + We're much more tolerant than some; let those who hate the law go + And spout sedition in the streets of anarchist Chicago; + And, after that, I guarantee they'll never want to roam again, + Until they get a first-class hearse to take their bodies home again. + + But stay, I've hit upon a plan: We'll, first of all, relieve you + Of all your million dollars that so onerously grieve you; + Then, if some loud, conceited fool wants taking down a peg, he + Shall spend an hour or so in talk with democrat CARNEGIE. + For all men must admit 'twould be an act of mere insanity + To try to match this Pittsburger in bluster or in vanity. + And oh, when next our Chancellor is anxious for a loan, Sir, + He'll buy you in at our price, and he'll sell you at your own, Sir. + And if you don't like English air, why, dash it, you may lump it, + Or go and blow in other climes your most offensive trumpet! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT UP THE RIVER. + +I atended on a Party larst week as went up the River (our nice little +Stream, as the aughty Amerrycanes calls it) to Ship Lake, tho' why +it's called so I coodn't at all make out, as there ain't no Ship nor +no Lake to be seen there, ony a werry little Werry, and a werry littel +River, and a werry littel Hiland; and it was prinsepally to see how +the appy yung Gents who sumtimes lives on the same littel Hiland, in +littel Tents, was a gitting on, as injuced all on us, me and all, to +go there. It seems that for years parst quite a littel Collony of +yung Gents as gets their living in the grand old Citty has been in the +habit of spending their littel summer Hollydays there, but, somehows +or other, as I coodn't quite understand, the master of the littel +Hiland made up his mind for to sell it, and all the yung Gents was in +dispair, and wundered where on airth they shood spend their Hollydays +in future. But they needn't have been afeard--there was a grand old +hinstitushun called "The Copperashun!" as had both their ears and both +their eyes open when they heard about it. So when the time came for it +to be sold, they jest quietly says to one of their principel Chairmen +(who is sich a King of Good Fellers that they all calls him by that +name, and he arnsers to it jest as if it was the werry name as was guv +him by his Godfathers and his Godmothers, as I myself heard with my +own ears), "Go and buy it!" So off he goes at wunce and buys it, and +the kindly Copperashun Gents as I went with larst week, went to take +possesshun on it acordingly, and to see if anythink coud be done to +make the yung Campers-out ewen more cumferabel than they ewer was +afore! Ah, that's what I calls trew Pattriotizm, and trew Libberality, +if you likes, and that's what makes 'em so much respeckted. + +Our Gents was all considrably surprized at the lots of Tents as was +all a standing on Ship Lake Island; one on 'em, who was got up quite +in a naughtical style, said as he was estonished to see so many on 'em +pitched, but I think as he must ha' bin mistaken, for I didn t see not +none on 'em pitched, tho' I dessay it might ha' been werry usefool in +keeping out the rain on a remarkabel wet night. + +By sum mistake on sumboddy's part, there wasn't not no yung +Campers-out to receeve us, and so fears was hentertaned that they wood +have to cum again shortly; but they are bold plucky gents, is the men +of the Copperashun, and they one and all xpressed their reddiness to +do it at the call of dooty. Besides, we had sich a reel Commodore a +board as made us all quite reddy to brave the foaming waves again. +Why, he guv out the word of command, whether it was to "Port the +Helem," or to "Titen the mane braces," as if he had bin a Hadmiral +at the werry least, and his galliant crew obeyed him without not no +grumbling or ewen thretening to strike! + +By one of them striking and remarkabel ocurrences as happens so +offen, who shood we appen to find at Ship Lake, but one of the werry +poplarest of the Court of Haldermen, and what shood he do but ask +'em all in to lunch at his splendid manshun, and what shood they +all do but jump at the hoffer, and what does he do, for a lark, I +serppose--if so be as a reel Poplar Alderman ewer does have sich +a thing as a lark--and give 'em all sich a gloryous spread, as I +owerheard one henergetick Deperty describe it, as hutterly deprived +'em all of the power of heating a bit of dinner till the werry next +day, to which time they wisely put it off, and then thorowly injoyed +it. + +In course, I'm not allowed to menshun not no names on these +conferdential ocasions, but I did hear "the Commodore" shout to "the +King" sumthink about "Hansum is as Hansum does," but it was rayther +too late in the heavening for me to be able to quite unnerstand his +elusions. + +I am 'appy to be able to report that we every one on us arrived in +Town quite safe and quite happy, xcep sum of the pore hard-working +crew who are left at Marlow till further orders. ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MEETING OF THE B.A. FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF SCIENCE. +LEEDS TOWN-HALL.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FAIR PROPOSAL. + +_Johnson_ (_at window--having offered to tame a vicious Horse for his +Friend_). "NOW, TOM, JUST COLLAR HOLD OF HIS HEAD, AND I'LL PUT THE +MUZZLE ON!"] + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING STYLE. + +(_THIRD EXAMPLE._) + +Two examples of a correct sporting style have been already laid before +the public. For convenience of reference they may be defined as the +mixed-pugilistic and the insolent. There is, however, a third variety, +the equine, in which everyone who aspires to wield the pen of a +sporting reporter must necessarily be a proficient. It may be well to +warn a beginner that he must not attempt this style until he has laid +in a large stock of variegated metaphoric expressions. As a matter of +fact one horse-race is very much like another in its main incidents, +and the process of betting against or in favour of one horse +resembles, more or less, the process of betting about any other. The +point is, however, to impart to monotonous incidents a variety they +do not possess; and to do this properly a luxuriant vocabulary is +essential. For instance, in the course of a race, some horses tire, +or, to put it less offensively, go less rapidly than others. The +reporter will say of such a horse that he (1) "shot his bolt," or +(2) "cried _peccavi_," or (3) "cried a go," or (4) "compounded," or +(5) "exhibited signals of distress," or (6) "fired minute guns," or +(7) "fell back to mend his bellows," or (8) "seemed to pause for +reflection." + +Again, in recording the upward progress of horses in the betting +market, it would be ridiculous to say of all of them merely that they +became hot favourites. Vary, therefore, occasionally, by saying of +one, for example, that "here was another case of one being eventually +served up warm"; of another, that "plenty of the talent took 7 to 4 +about _Mousetrap_;" of a third, that "_Paradox_ had the call at 4 to +1;" and of a fourth, that "a heap of money, and good money too, went +on _Backslide_." After these preliminary instructions, _Mr. Punch_ +offers his + +_Third Example_.--Event to be described: A horse-race. Names of horses +and jockeys, weights, &c., supplied. + +Considerable delay took place. _Little Benjy_ made a complete hole +in his manners by bolting. Eventually, however, the flag tell to a +capital start. _Burglar Bill_ on the right cut out the work[1] from +_Paladin_, who soon began to blow great guns, and after a quarter of a +mile had been negotiated yielded his pride of place to _Cudlums_ with +_The P'liceman_ in attendance, _Sobriety_ lying fourth, and _D. T._ +close behind. Thus they raced to the bend, where _Burglar Bill_ cried +_peccavi_, and _Cudlums_ having shot her bolt, _Sobriety_ was left in +front, only to be challenged by _Cropeared Sue_, who had been coming +through her horses with a wet sail. Bounding the bend SIMPSON called +upon _Mrs. Brady_ and literally took tea with her rivals,[2] whom he +nailed to the counter one after another. The favourite compounded at +the distance, and _Mrs. Brady_ romped home the easiest of winners, +four lengths ahead of _Cropeared Sue_; a bad third. The rest +were whipped in by _Flyaway_, who once more failed to justify the +appellation bestowed upon him. + +_Mr. Punch_ flatters himself that, upon the above model, the report of +any race-meeting could be accurately constructed at home. In future, +therefore, no reporter should go to the expense of leaving London for +Epsom, Newmarket, Ascot, or Goodwood. + +[Footnote 1: Note this sentence. It is essential.] + +[Footnote 2: At first sight it would appear more natural that SIMPSON +(presumably a jockey) having called upon _Mrs. Brady_, should take tea +with _her_ rather than with her rivals. But a sporting style involves +us in puzzles.] + + * * * * * + +A CENTENARIAN. + + "This is the centenary of the tall hat."--_Daily News_. + +[Illustration] + + A hundred years of hideousness, + Constricted brows, and strain, and stress! + And still, despite humanity's groan, + The torturing, "tall-hat" holds its own! + What proof more sure and melancholy + Of the dire depths of mortal folly? + Mad was the hatter who invented + The demon "topper," and demented + The race that, spite of pain and jeers, + Has borne it--for One Hundred Years! + + * * * * * + +HAMLET AT THE VEGETARIAN CONGRESS. + +[Illustration] + + Yea, from the table of my dining-room, + I'll take away all tasty joints and _entrees_. + All sorts of meat, all forms of animal diet + That the carnivorous cook hath gathered there: + And, by commandment, will entirely live + Within the bounds of vegetable food, + Unmixed with savoury matters. Yes, by heaven! + O most pernicious Meat! + O Mutton, beef, and pork, digestion-spoiling! + My tables, my tables! Meat? I'll put it down; + For men may dine, and dine, and do no killing, + At least I'm sure it may be so--on lentils. + So, _gourmand_, there you are! Now to my _menu_; + It is, "_All Vegetables and no Meat!_" + I have sworn't! + + * * * * * + +INTERVIEWING A LA MODE. + +(_QUITE AT THE SERVICE OF SOME OF MR. PUNCH'S CONTEMPORARIES._) + +One of our Representatives called a few days since upon Mr. BROWN, +senior member of the well-known firm of Messrs. BROWN, JONES, +AND ROBINSON. The Eminent General Dealer was seated "in his +counting-house," as the nursery-song hath it, "counting out his +money." + +"Come in, come in!" said Mr. BROWN, cordially, as he somewhat +hurriedly looked up the coin in a safe out of our reach. "I am +delighted to see you." + +"Glad to hear it," we replied, rather drily. "We want to put a few +questions to you, in the interest of the public." + +"As many as you please. I am, as you know, a man of business; still, +the resources of our establishment are so vast, that my place can be +supplied without inconvenience to our thousands, I may say millions of +customers. And now, Sir, what can I do for you?" + +"Well, Mr. BROWN, speaking in the name of civilisation, I would wish +to ask you if you have much sale for SMASHUP's Concentrated Essence of +Cucumbers (registered), in the larger bottles?" + +"Yes, Sir, we have; although the smaller sizes are, possibly, a trifle +more popular." + +"What do you think of COTTONBACK's Fleur de Lyons Putney Satin?" + +"A most admirable material for home wear, although we do not recommend +it for use at a party, a ball, or a reception. For festive occasions +we do a very large trade in GIGGLEWATER's Superfine Velvet South +American _Moire Antique_ as advertised." + +"Indeed! Perhaps, you can mention a few more articles that in your +judgment you believe it will interest our readers to learn about." + +"Pardon me, but don't you put that sentence a trifle clumsily?" + +Our Representative smiled and blushed. Then he admitted that Mr. BROWN +might be right. + +"Ha! ha! ha!" laughed the Senior Partner, in great glee. "You see I +have my head screwed on the right way! But to answer you. GOTEMON's +Patent Alligator's Skin Braces are attracting much attention just +now, so is WIPE's Castle 2 Imperial William Champagne, which finds +(I may observe confidentially) a ready sale at thirty-two shillings +the dozen. Then there are AKE's Electric Tooth-brushes, and CRAX's +Stained-glass Solid Mahogany Brass-mounted Elizabethan Mantel-boards. +Then, of course, I must not forget BOLTER's Washhandstands and +BOUNDER's Anti-agony Aromatic Pills." + +"And all these articles sell largely?" + +"Very largely, indeed. And so they should; for they are well worth +the money they cost." + +"Indeed they are, or I should not find them in your establishment." + +"You are very good. And now, _a propos_ of your journal, will you +permit me to pay a return compliment?" + +"Certainly," we replied. "You have noticed an improvement in our +columns?" + +"Unquestionably I have," returned Mr. BROWN, emphatically. "I have +observed that of late you have given much interesting matter in the +body of your paper that heretofore used to be reserved for the pages +exclusively devoted to advertisements. I congratulate you!" + +And with a courteous wave of his hand and a bow of dismissal, the +Eminent Pillar of Commerce delicately intimated to us that our +interview was at an end. + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY. + +[Illustration] + + DEAR CHARLIE,--Your faviour to 'and in doo course, as the quill-drivers + say; + Likeways also the newspaper cuttins enclosed. You're on Rummikey's lay. + Awful good on yer, CHARLIE, old chummy, to take so much trouble for me; + But do keep on yer 'air, dear old pal; _I_ am still right end uppards, + yer see. + + You are needled along of some parties,--er course you ain't fly to their + names,-- + As has bin himitating Yours Truly. Way-oh! It's the oldest o' games, + Himitation is, CHARLIE. It makes one think DARWIN was right, anyhow, + And that most on us did come from monkeys, which some ain't so fur from + 'em now. + + You start a smart game, or a paying one--something as knocks 'em, dear + boy, + No matter, mate, whether it's mustard, or rhymes, or a sixpenny toy; + They'll be arter you, nick over nozzle, the smuggers of notions and nips, + For the mugs is as 'ungry for wrinkles as broken-down bookies for tips. + + Look at DICKENS, dear boy, and Lord TENNYSON--ain't they bin copied all + round? + Wy, I'm told some as liked ALFRED's verses at fust, is now sick of the + sound; + All along o' the parrots, my pippin. Ah, that's jest the wust o' sech + fakes! + People puke at the shams till they think the originals ain't no great + shakes. + + 'Tain't fair, CHARLIE, not by a jugful, but anger's all fiddle-de-dee; + They may copy my style till all's blue, but they won't discombobulate me. + Names and metres is anyone's props; but of one thing they don't get the + 'ang; + They ain't fly to good patter, old pal, they ain't copped the straight + griffin on slang. + + 'Tisn't grammar and spellin' makes patter, nor yet snips and snaps of + snide talk. + You may cut a moke out o' pitch-pine, mate, and paint it, but can't make + it walk. + You may chuck a whole Slang Dixionary by chunks in a stodge-pot of chat, + But if 'tisn't _alive_, 'tain't chin-music, but kibosh, and corpsey at + that. + + Kerrectness be jolly well jiggered! Street slang isn't Science, dear pal, + And it don't need no "glossery" tips to hinterpret my chat to my gal. + I take wot comes 'andy permiskus, wotever runs sliok and fits in, + And when smugs makes me out a "philolergist,"--snuffers! it do make me + grin! + + Still there's fitness, dear boy, and unfitness, and some of these jossers, + jest now, + Who himitate 'ARRY's few letters with weekly slapdabs of bow-wow, + 'Ave about as much "fit" in their "slang" as a slop-tailor's six-and-six + bags. + No, Yours Truly writes only to you, and don't spread _hisself_ out in the + Mags. + + _Mister P._ prints my letters, occasional, once in a while like, dear boy; + For patter's like love-letters, CHARLIE, too long and too frequent, they + cloy. + I agree there with _Samivel Veller_. My echoes I've no wish to stop, + But I'd jest like to say 'tisn't _me_ as is slopping' all over the shop. + + It do give me the ditherums, CHARLIE, it makes me feel quite quisby snitch, + To see the fair rush for a feller as soon as he's found a good pitch. + Jest like anglers, old man, on the river; if one on 'em spots a prime swim, + And is landing 'em proper, you bet arf the others'll crowd about _him_. + + But there's law for the rodsters, I'm told, CHARLIE; so many foot left and + right; + And you'll see the punts spotted at distance, like squodrons of troops at + a fight. + But in Trade, Art, and Littery lines, CHARLIE, 'anged if there's any fair + play, + And the "cullerable himitation" is jest the disgrace of the day. + + Sech scoots scurryfunging around on the gay old galoot, to go snacks + In the profits of other folks' notions, have put you, old pal, in a wax. + Never mind their shenanigan, CHARLIE; it don't do much hurt, anyhow; + I was needled a trifle at fust, but I'm pooty scroodnoodleous now. + + I'm all right and a arf, mate, I am, and ain't going' to rough up, no + fear! + Becos two or three second-hand 'ARRIES is tipping the public stale beer. + The old tap'll turn on now and then, not too often, and as for the rest, + The B.P. has a taste for sound tipple, and knows when it's served with + the best. + + If mine don't 'old its own on its merits, then way-oh! for someone's + as does! + All cop and no blue ain't my motter; that's all tommy-rot and buz-wuz. + The pace of a yot must depend on her lines and the canvas she'll carry; + If rivals can crowd on more sail, wy they're welcome to overhaul 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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