diff options
Diffstat (limited to '12465-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 12465-0.txt | 1886 |
1 files changed, 1886 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/12465-0.txt b/12465-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..29df6a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1886 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12465 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 21, 1914. + + + + +[Illustration: "NOT VERY SPORTING LINKS, ARE THEY?" + +EVEN EARTHQUAKES HAVE THEIR USE. + +"AH, THAT'LL MAKE BETTER GOLF."] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +MAJOR-GENERAL LEONARD WOOD, chief of the U.S.A. General Staff, has +reported that the American Army is, practically speaking, unarmed, +and advises the immediate expenditure of £1,200,000 for artillery and +ammunition. We fancy, however, that the present state of affairs is +the result of a compromise with the American Peace party, who will not +object to their country having an army so long as it is unarmed. + + *** + +"VICTORY FOR THE ORANGE WOMEN. + +DRURY LANE INSTITUTION TO CONTINUE." + +This should put heart into the Orange Men of Ulster. + + *** + +We hear that, to celebrate the recent glorious victory in Alsace, the +little town of Zabern is to be re-named Säbeln. + + *** + +The Rev. N. FITZPATRICK, describing a visit to the Balkan States in +a lecture at the Camera Club, spoke of the difficulties he had with +his laundry. The same bundle of clothes was soaked in Roumania, +rough-dried in Bulgaria, and ironed in Servia. We are astonished +that the lecturer should have made no mention of mangling, which we +understand is done well in the Balkan States. + + *** + +The KAISER, we are told, has given instructions that his _menus_ are +in future to be written in German. What, by the way, _is_ the French +for _Sauerkraut_? + + *** + +Mr. ARCHIBALD, a member of the Australian House of Representatives, +has calculated that the value of the property of the five million +inhabitants of the Commonwealth is £780,000,000. We cannot but think +it is a mistake to divulge the fact with so many dishonest people +about. + + *** + +_I do like your eyes_ is the latest bright thought for a Revue title. +To be followed, no doubt, by _Her nose isn't bad, is it?_ and _What's +wrong with her toes?_ + + *** + +"FRENCH BATTLESHIP DROPPED." + +_Pall Mall Gazette_. + +Very careless of someone. + + *** + +Reading that one of the features of the new British battleship class +will be less draught, Aunt Caroline remarked that she was glad to hear +this: she had always understood that during even half a gale it was +very easy to catch cold at sea. + + *** + +Sir RUFUS ISAACS has decided to take the title of Lord READING. This +still leaves it open to a distinguished literary man, should he be +made a peer, to become Lord Writing. + + *** + +The age of pleasure! Where will it stop? Extract from _The Witney +Gazette_:--"On Monday evening a very successful dance was given in the +Corn Exchange ... The company numbered over one hundred, and dancing +to the strains of Taylor's Oxford Scarlet Band was enjoyed till the +early hours of Wednesday morning." + + *** + +While Police Constable JAKEMAN was in Eldon Road, Reading, last week, +a cat suddenly pounced on him and bit him. We have not yet received +a full account of the incident, but apparently the constable was on +detective duty and cleverly disguised as a mouse. + + *** + +One of the cats shown at the Grand Championship Cat Show had her fur +cut and trimmed like a poodle's. The matter has been much discussed in +canine circles, and we understand that there may be trouble. + + *** + +An express train travelling from Nice to Macon was, last week, beaten +by an eagle, which raced it over a distance of eighteen miles. Birds +are evidently being put upon their mettle by the aeroplanes. + + *** + +Alleged notice outside Drury Lane:-- + +SLEEPING BEAUTY. + +N.B.--CHAUFFEURS ARE KINDLY +REQUESTED NOT TO HOOT +WHEN PASSING. + + *** + +From Paris comes the news that a successor to the Tango has been +found in the form of a Chinese dance known as the Tatao. The name, +presumably, is a contraction of the words "Ta-ta, Tango." + + *** + +A new character named "It" appears in the revival of _The Darling of +the Gods_. We presume it is The Limit. + + *** + +The manager of the Little Theatre is making arrangements for shilling +seats for the first time in the history of the house. How is it going +to be done? By _Magic_, of course. + + *** + +"The Shepherdess without a Heart" continues to make good progress, and +the medical profession is much interested. + + * * * * * + +A FAREWELL TOUR. + +This is positively Chum's last appearance in print--for his own sake +no less than for yours. He is conceited enough as it is, but if once +he got to know that people are always writing about him in the papers +his swagger would be unbearable. However, I have said good-bye to +him now; I have no longer any rights in him. Yesterday I saw him off +to his new home, and when we meet again it will be on a different +footing. "Is that your dog?" I shall say to his master. "What is he? A +Cocker? Jolly little fellows, aren't they? I had one myself once." + +As Chum refused to do the journey across London by himself, I met him +at Liverpool Street. He came up in a crate; the world must have seemed +very small to him on the way. "Hallo, old ass," I said to him through +the bars, and in the little space they gave him he wriggled his body +with delight. "Thank Heaven there's _one_ of 'em alive," he said. + +"I think this is my dog," I said to the guard, and I told him my name. + +He asked for my card. + +"I'm afraid I haven't one with me," I explained. When policemen touch +me on the shoulder and ask me to go quietly; when I drag old gentlemen +from underneath motor-'buses, and they decide to adopt me on the spot; +on all the important occasions when one really wants a card, I never +have one with me. + +"Can't give him up without proof of identity," said the guard, and +Chum grinned at the idea of being thought so valuable. + +I felt in my pockets for letters. There was only one, but it offered +to lend me £10,000 on my note of hand alone. It was addressed to "Dear +Sir," and though I pointed out to the guard that I was the "Sir," he +still kept tight hold of Chum. Strange that one man should be prepared +to trust me with £10,000, and another should be so chary of confiding +to me a small black spaniel. + +"Tell the gentleman who I am," I said imploringly through the bars. +"Show him you know me." + +"He's _really_ all right," said Chum, looking at the guard with his +great honest brown eyes. "He's been with us for years." + +And then I had an inspiration. I turned down the inside pocket of my +coat; and there, stitched into it, was the label of my tailor's with +my name written on it. I had often wondered why tailors did this; +obviously they know how stupid guards can be. + +"I suppose that's all right," said the guard reluctantly. Of course I +might have stolen the coat. I see his point. + +"You--you wouldn't like a nice packing case for yourself?" I said +timidly. "You see, I thought I'd put Chum on the lead. I've got to +take him to Paddington, and he must be tired of his shell by now. It +isn't as if he were _really_ an armadillo." + +The guard thought he would like a shilling and a nice packing case. +Wood, he agreed, was always wood, particularly in winter, but there +were times when you were not ready for it. + +"How are you taking him?" he asked, getting to work with a chisel. +"Underground?" + +"Underground?" I cried in horror. "Take Chum on the Underground? +Take--Have you ever taken a large live conger-eel on the end of a +string into a crowded carriage?" + +The guard never had. + +"Well, don't. Take him in a taxi instead. Don't waste him on other +people." + +The crate yawned slowly, and Chum emerged all over straw. We had an +anxious moment, but the two of us got him down and put the lead on +him. Then Chum and I went off for a taxi. + +"Hooray," said Chum, wriggling all over, "isn't this splendid? I say, +which way are you going? I'm going this way?... No, I mean the other +way." + +Somebody had left some of his milk-cans on the platform. Three times +we went round one in opposite directions and unwound ourselves the +wrong way. Then I hauled him in, took him struggling in my arms and +got into a cab. + +The journey to Paddington was full of interest. For a whole minute +Chum stood quietly on the seat, rested his fore-paws on the open +window and drank in London. Then he jumped down and went mad. He tried +to hang me with the lead, and then in remorse tried to hang himself. +He made a dash for the little window at the back; missed it and +dived out of the window at the side; was hauled back and kissed me +ecstatically, in the eye with his sharpest tooth ... "And I thought +the world was at an end," he said, "and there were no more people. +Oh, I am an ass. I say, did you notice I'd had my hair cut? How do +you like my new trousers? I must show you them." He jumped on to my +lap. "No, I think you'll see them better on the ground," he said, and +jumped down again. "Or no, perhaps you _would_ get a better view if--" +he jumped up hastily, "and yet I don't know--" he dived down, "though +of course, if you--Oh lor! this _is_ a day," and he put both paws +lovingly on my collar. + +Suddenly he was quiet again. The stillness, the absence of storm +in the taxi was so unnatural that I began to miss it. "Buck up, old +fool," I said, but he sat motionless by my side, plunged in thought. I +tried to cheer him up. I pointed out King's Cross to him; he wouldn't +even bark at it. I called his attention to the poster outside the +Euston Theatre of The Two Biffs; for all the regard he showed he might +never even have heard of them. The monumental masonry by Portland Road +failed to uplift him. + +At Baker Street he woke up and grinned cheerily. "It's all right," +he said, "I was trying to remember what happened to me this +morning--something rather-miserable, I thought, but I can't get hold +of it. However it's all right now. How are _you_?" And he went mad +again. + +At Paddington I bought a label at the bookstall and wrote it for him. +He went round and round my leg looking for me. "Funny thing," he said +as he began to unwind, "he was here a moment ago. I'll just go round +once more. I rather think ... _Ow!_ Oh, there you are!" I stepped off +him, unravelled the lead and dragged him to the Parcels Office. + +"I want to send this by the two o'clock train," I said to the man the +other side of the counter. + +"Send what?" he said. + +I looked down. Chum was making himself very small and black in the +shadow of the counter. He was completely hidden from the sight of +anybody the other side of it. + +"Come out," I said, "and show yourself." + +"Not much," he said. "A parcel! I'm not going to be a jolly old parcel +for anybody." + +"It's only a way of speaking," I pleaded. "Actually you are travelling +as a small black gentleman. You will go with the guard--a delightful +man." + +Chum came out reluctantly. The clerk leant over the counter and +managed to see him. + +"According to our regulations," he said, and I always dislike people +who begin like that, "he has to be on a chain. A leather lead won't +do." + +Chum smiled all over himself. I don't know which pleased him +more--the suggestion that he was a very large and fierce dog, or the +impossibility now of his travelling with the guard, delightful man +though he might be. He gave himself a shake and started for the door. + +"Tut, tut, it's a great disappointment to me," he said, trying to +look disappointed, but his back _would_ wriggle. "This chain +business--silly of us not + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLACK MAN'S BURDEN. + +REFRAIN BY NATIVES OF SOUTH AFRICA AND KIKUYU.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Kindly Hostess_ (_to nervous reciter who has broken +down in "The Charge of the Light Brigade"_). "NEVER MIND MR. TOMPKINS, +JUST TELL US IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS."] + + * * * * * + +to have known--well, well, we shall be wiser another time. Now let's +go home." + +Poor old Chum; I _had_ known. From a large coat pocket I produced a +chain. + +"_Dash_ it," said Chum, looking up at me pathetically, "you might +almost _want_ to get rid of me." + +He was chained, and the label tied on to him. Forgive me that label, +Chum; I think that was the worst offence of all. And why should I +label one who was speaking so eloquently for himself; who said from +the tip of his little black nose to the end of his stumpy black tail, +"I'm a silly old ass, but there's nothing wrong in me, and they're +sending me away!" But according to the regulations--one must obey the +regulations, Chum. + +I gave him to the guard--a delightful man. The guard and I chained him +to a brake or something. Then the guard went away, and Chum and I had +a little talk ... + +After that the train went off. + +Good-bye, little dog. A.A.M. + + * * * * * + + "Lady Strachie wishes to thoroughly recommend her permanent + Caretaker and Husband."--_Advt. in "Morning Post."_ + +Lord STRACHIE should be a proud man to-day. + + * * * * * + +HOW GREAT MEN SHOW EMOTION. + + [Mr. HANDEL BOOTH, speaking in Hyde Park recently, declared + that, when he informed Lord ABERDEEN of the conduct of the + police during the Dublin riots, the Lord Lieutenant "buried + his head in his hands."] + +Mr. Leo Maxixe, writing in _The Irrational Review_, states that he +has it on the best authority that when the GERMAN EMPEROR read the +Criccieth New Year's interview with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE he exclaimed, +"This beats the Tango," and fell heavily on the hearthrug. + +Mr. James Larvin, addressing a meeting of the Confederates at the +Saveloy Hotel, informed his hearers that when Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL +read the article in _The Daily Mail_ on his future he stood on his +head in the corner for three minutes, to the great embarrassment of +Sir FRANCIS HOPWOOD, who was present. + +Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, writing in _The British Weekly_, asserts +that when Mr. MASSINGHAM read "C.K.S.'s" recent reference to _The +Nation_ in _The Sphere_ he kicked the waste-paper basket round the +room and tore the hair out of his head in handfuls. + +Mr. CECIL CHESTERTON, addressing a meeting of non-party fishmongers at +Billingsgate last week, stated that he had heard that when Mr. GODFREY +ISAACS informed the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE that Mr. HANDEL BOOTH had +retired from the Dublin Police Inquiry Lord READING OF EARLEY burst +into tears and hid his face in his wig. + + * * * * * + +WHY MR. CHESTERTON SHUNS THE ISLE OF WIGHT. + +Extract from local time-table:-- + + "10.45 a.m. Motor Service between Freshwater and Newport + for light passengers only." + + * * * * * + + "Referring to the plea of Dr. Budge, the poet laureate, + for purer English, a writer in the 'Daily Chronicle' + says...."--_Glasgow Evening Citizen_. + +Purer spelling of names is what the POET LAUREATE would really like to +see. + + * * * * * + +It was very touching of _The Evening News_ to give so much space to +the distressing story of the real Duchess who could not get a seat at +Olympia--(surely they might have thrown out a common person to make +room for her?)--but it was tactless to go on: + + "'If you will bring me a couple of chairs,' said the duchess, + 'I will sit down in the gangway with the greatest pleasure.'" + +It makes one wonder which of our larger duchesses it was. + + * * * * * + +THE HOUSE OF PUNCH. + + [He "married a princess of the House of Punch."--_Excerpt + front an account of the life of a former King of Kashmir_.] + + Hail, Master, and accept the news I bring. + I come to make a solemn mystery clear, + One that affects you deeply; for I sing + Of a most ancient king + Nine hundred years ago in fair Kashmir, + Who yearned towards a bride, and--hear, oh hear, + Lord of the reboant nose and classic hunch-- + "Married a princess of the House of Punch." + + Yes, you are royal, as one might have seen. + The loftiness of your despotic sway, + Your strange aloofness and unearthly mien + (Yet regal) might have been + A full assurance of monarchic clay. + Had but the fates run kindly, at this day + Yourself should be a king of orient fame, + Chief of the princely house that bears your name. + + Methinks I see you at it. I can see + A shamiana[1] loftily upreared + Beneath a banyan (or banana) tree, + Whichever it may be, + Where, with bright turban and vermilion beard + (A not unfrequent sight, and very weird), + You sit at peace; a small boy, doubly bowed, + Acts as your footstool and, though stiff, is proud. + + Fragrant with Champak scents the warm wind sighs + Heavily, faintly, languorously fanned + By drowsy peacock-plumes--to keep the flies + From your full nose and eyes-- + Waved from behind you, where on either hand + Two silent slaves of Nubian polish stand, + Whose patent-leather visages reflect + The convex day, with mirror-like effect. + + Robed in a garment of the choicest spoil + Of Persian looms, you sit apart to deal + Grace to the suppliant and reward for toil, + T'abase the proud, and boil + The malefactor, till upon you steal + Mild qualms suggestive of the mid-day meal; + And, then, what plump, what luscious fruits are those? + What goblets of what vintage? Goodness knows. + + Gladly would I pursue this glowing dream, + To sing of deeds of chivalry and sport, + Of cushioned dalliance in the soft hareem + (A really splendid theme), + The pundits and tame poets at your court, + And all such pride, but I must keep it short. + Once let me off upon a thing so bright, + And I should hardly stop without a fight. + + But now you stand plain Mister; and, no doubt, + Would have for choice this visioned pomp untold. + Yet, Sire, I beg you, cast such musings out; + Put not yourself about + For a vain dream. If I may make so bold, + Your present lot should keep you well consoled. + You still are great, and have, when all is done, + A fine old Eastern smack, majestic One. + + The vassals of your fathers were but few + Compared with yours, who move the whole world wide; + You still can splash an oriental hue, + Red, yellow, green or blue, + Upon a fresh and various outside; + While you support--perhaps your greatest pride + High pundits for your intellectual feast, + And some tame bards, of whom I am the least. + + DUM-DUM. + +[Footnote 1: Tent] + + * * * * * + +GIVEN AWAY. + +A correspondent of _The Times_ writes:--"The _Niva_, the _Russian +Family Herald_, promises to annual subscribers, in addition to a copy +of the paper every week-- + + The complete works of Korolenko in twenty-five volumes. + The complete works of Edmond Rostand. + The complete works of Maikof. + A literary supplement every month. + A fashion book. + A book of patterns of fancy-work designs. + A tear-off calendar for 1914," + +and adds, "Where does English or American journalistic enterprise +stand beside this?" + +We understand that our more enterprising contemporaries have no +intention of allowing this question to remain unanswered, and the +wildest rumours are afloat as to the nature of the gifts which will be +offered next year to annual subscribers by various British journals. + +With a view to test the accuracy of these rumours our Special +Representative called yesterday upon the Editors of several leading +publications, and, although much secrecy is still maintained, he has +succeeded in collecting some valuable information. For instance, the +report that _The Nineteenth Century and After_ would include among +its gifts the dramatic works of the MELVILLE BROS., _HOW to Dance the +Tango_, and _Sweeter than Honey_, a novel with a strong love interest, +lacks confirmation; nor are we in a position to assert definitely that +_The Spectator_ will present a beautiful coloured supplement, entitled +"Susie's Pet Pup," and a handsome mug bearing the inscription: "A +Present from Loo," though we believe that such may be the case. + +On the other hand, _The Times'_ reply to an inquiry as to whether +they would present to each reader half a ton of supplements was that +they had done so for some years past; and _The Daily Mirror_ did not +deny that they were considering the proposal to present a framed +copy of the portrait of John Tiffinch which appeared in their issue +of February 29, 1913. (Tiffinch, our readers will remember, was +brother-in-law to the man who discovered the great emerald robbery.) + +_The British Medical Journal's_ list will include the works of GEORGE +BERNARD SHAW and the Life of Mrs. EDDY; but the report that _The +Tailor and Cutter_ would present _Wild Tribes of Central Africa_ is +emphatically denied. + +Finally, _The Boxing World_ had not thought of offering any +free-gifts, but on learning that BOSWELL had written a Life of JOHNSON +seemed inclined to reconsider their decision. + + * * * * * + + "In order to counteract a tendency to stoutness which + ex-President Taft is now overcoming, the Kaiser has lately + undergone a systematic course of outdoor 'training.'"--_Daily + Mail_. + +This is very friendly of the KAISER, but Mr. TAFT will probably do it +better by himself. + +Says an Edinburgh tram-car advertisement:-- + + THE SCOTTISH ORCHESTRA. + Conductor..........E. Mlynarski. + Solo Violinist.....Duci Kerekjarto." + +You should see these natives when they get among the haggis. Hoots! + + * * * * * + +THE KAKEKIKOKUANS; + +OR, THE HEATHEN IN HIS BLINDNESS. + +THE country of Kakekikoku, as its name suggests, lies in the vicinity +of Timbuctoo, the well-known African resort; and at the present time, +when so much interest is centred upon that little-known land, it may +be profitable to our readers, as well as to the writer, to give some +information about it. + +A famous Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society, who has travelled +widely, not only in this country but in Belgium and the Channel +Islands, has stated that Kakekikoku is richly endowed with the +bewilderments, perils and mysteries of primitive and unexplored +African territory. A warlike and exclusive folk, the Kakekikokuans +extend a red-hot welcome to the foreigner who ventures within their +borders. They are possessed of a fine physique and an intelligence +of a subtler kind than many savage races can pretend to; yet while +having all the qualities that should go to the building up of a +strong nation, certain conditions of their life bar the way to such an +achievement. In a word, the Kakekikokuans are in the clutches of the +medicine-man. Each of these despots has his own little following, and +wields a distinctive influence, it being a point of honour with him +that his teaching should differ in some way (usually in but a trivial +detail) from the teaching of any other of his kind. The solemnity of +their discussions and the heat of their dissensions about the minutiæ +of their creeds would be laughable were it not so pathetic.. + +And not only do the medicine-men dispute among themselves, but their +followers engage even more vehemently in bitter strife. For instance, +there is a national belief that the juby-juby nut, which grows in the +forests in profusion, possesses some supernatural virtue that will +make a man who chews it impervious to the weapons of his enemies. +That this virtue exists is generally accepted; but when it comes to +a discussion of how, when and where to chew the nut, much wrangling +goes on; and such men as survive in battle claim that their particular +method is proved to be the correct one, while such as succumb are +cited in proof of the error of their process of absorbing the +juices of the juby-juby nut. The survivors include, of course, +representatives of various schools of thought, and a battle against +a common enemy rarely goes by without being immediately followed by +a conflict among the surviving Kakekikokuans in order to put to final +proof their respective theories about their remarkable fruit. Thus a +promising people is committing race-suicide; for this sort of thing +goes on not only in connection with this particular problem, but over +such questions as the number of beads to wear round one's neck when +visiting the medicine-man, whether the national custom of saluting +the rising sun need be observed on cloudy mornings, and whether +the medicine-man is entitled to the pick of the yams on any day but +Sunday. People of different opinions on these points decline to eat +together or to enter into social intercourse with one another; and +their children are forbidden to mingle in play. + +The good news has just come to hand, however, that a band of Church +of England missionaries, despatched by the Bishop of ZANZIBAR, has +now entered the country; and it is delightful to contemplate the +beneficent result that may be expected from their broadminded attitude +and their sane teaching on the subject of the brotherhood of man. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Observant Lady_ (_to gentleman alighting from 'bus_). +"_I_ THINK YOU'VE DROPPED A PENNY!"] + + * * * * * + + "The Berlin critics have been accusing Mr. Bernard Shaw of + having committed in his 'Pygmalion,' produced in Germany the + other day, a plagiarism from Smollett's novel, 'Peregrine + Pickle.' Mr. Shaw denies that he has ever read the novel + in question, and, in an interview in the London 'Observer,' + remarks: 'The suggestion of the German papers that I had + Pygmalion produced in Germany lest I should be detected in + my own country of plagiarism, shows an amusing ignorance of + English culture.'"--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + +It does. Why even our most cultured countryman, Mr. BERNARD SHAW, has +never read _Peregrine Pickle_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Spademan, of Woodnewton, Northants, placed a dozen eggs + under a hen some time ago, and there were hatched out thirteen + chickens, one of the eggs being double-yolked. All the young + birds are doing well. + + Burroughes and Watts' billiard tables for + accuracy."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_. + +They are, in fact, a lesson to Mr. STADEMAN's hens. + + * * * * * + +LACONICS. + +"As a matter of fact," said the doctor, "you ought not to speak at +all. But that's asking too much. So let it go at this--not a word more +than is necessary. Good-bye.", + +He left the room and I lay back pondering on his instructions. How +many words were really necessary? + +The nurse soon after entered. + +"So the doctor's gone," she said. + +Obviously it wasn't necessary to say Yes, since the room was empty +save for me and her; so I made no reply. + +She went to the window and looked out. The sky was blue and the +sunshine was brilliant. + +"It's a fine day," she said. + +No, I thought, you don't catch me there; and said nothing. But I +reflected that yesterday I might myself have made the same inane +remark as she. + +"Would you like the paper?" she asked. + +"Yes," I said, and then almost regretted it, for having waited nearly +fifty years for yesterday's news surely I could wait longer. Still, +the paper would help to pass the time. + +While she was fetching it I remembered a dream of last night which I +had intended to tell her this morning. + +But why do so? A dream is of no account even to the dreamer. Still, +the recital might have made her laugh. But why should laughter be +bothered about? + +The nurse brought the paper and I signified Thank you. + +"I'll leave you for a while now," she said; "The fire's all right. +Your drink's by the bed. You'll ring if you want anything." + +All these things I knew. My drink is always beside the bed; the bell +is the natural communication between me and the house. What a foolish +chatterbox the woman was! I nodded and she went out. + +On her return an hour or so later she asked, "Is there anything in the +paper?" + +Before answering I examined this question. What did it mean? It did +not mean, Are the pages this morning absolutely blank, for a change? +It meant, Is there a good murder? Is any very important person dead? +In reply I handed the paper to her. + +Instead of reading it she began a long account of her morning's +walk. She told me where she had been; whom she had seen; whom she +had thought she had seen and then found that it was some one else; +what somebody had said. Not a syllable mattered, I now realised; +but yesterday I should have joined in the talk, asked questions, +encouraged her in her foolishness. + +Just before lunch my brother and a guest came into the room and began +to talk about golf. My brother said that he had been round in 98. This +was his best since September, when he went round in 97. He described +his difficulties at the tenth hole. + +It all seemed very idiotic to me, for the game was over and done with. +Why rake it up? + +The guest said that he had lost two balls, one of which was expensive. +His driving had been good, but in the short game he had been weak. +He could never quite make up his mind whether he putted best with a +gun-metal putter or a wooden one. + +My brother asked me if I remembered that long drive of his two years +ago? + +I nodded. + +The nurse came in and told them to go. She then asked me if I was +hungry. + +"Very," I said. + +She brought me some beef-tea and calf's-foot-jelly, remarking that +they were easily taken and "would not hurt my throat." + +That was why they were chosen, of course. + +In the afternoon I had a visit from my Aunt Lavinia, who sat down with +the remark that she would tell me all the news. + +"You remember Esther?" she began. + +Esther is my cousin and we were brought up together. How could I have +forgotten her? + +What she told me about Esther was of no consequence. Then she told me +how she had nearly lost her luggage at Brighton--she quite thought she +had lost it, in fact--but, as it happened, it turned up. "And if I had +lost it," she said, "it would have been dreadful, for I had a number +of dear Stella's beautiful sketches in one of my trunks. Quite +irreplaceable. However, it is all right." + +Then why tell me? + +And so she rattled on. + +"You don't say anything," she said at last. + +It was true. I had said nothing. I told her what the doctor +instructed. + +"Quite right," she remarked. "I wish other people even in good health +could have the same prescription." + +Just before dinner my brother came in again. "You've had Aunt Lavinia +here," he said. + +I had. + +"Getting quite grey, I thought," he said. + +I had noticed it too. + +He was smoking, and while he was with me he emptied his pipe and +filled it again. He thought he had knocked the burning ash in the +grate, but it had fallen in the turn-up of his right trouser-leg. + +Should I tell him? I wondered. He would, of course, find it out from +the smell, but meanwhile the cloth would be burned through. + +"Your trouser's burning," I said. + +That was the only remark I volunteered all that day; and really, +except now and then on business, I don't see why one should ever +talk more. + + * * * * * + +CURLING. + +(_THE GAME AND HOW TO PLAY IT, BY A WINTER SPORT._) + +Take a piece of ice (you'll want Switzerland for this). Draw two +circles, one at each end. Draw a line a short distance from each +circle. The drawing can be done with a pin, pocket-knife, diamond, +axe, friend's razor or other edged or pointed instrument. I give no +dimensions because they are dull things and I hate guessing. Talk of +the circles at each end as "houses" and the lines as "hogs," and you +are well on the road to become a curler. + +Take two narrow pieces of tin with prickly eruptions on one side. +Place one each end of the ice-patch, prickly side down, and stamp on +the smooth side. Why these pieces of tin are called "crampits" I can't +tell you, unless it's just part of the fun. + +You now have a prepared patch that can be used for hop-scotch, +shove-halfpenny, Rugby football or curling. If you have named the +things as directed you really ought to use it for curling. + +We now come to the question of players. This is one of the most +important parts of the game. Four a side is the almost ideal number, +but a few more or less do not make any very great difference. But be +sure to get some Scotchmen. They take the game seriously and do much +to make the whole affair bright and mirthful. A slight sprinkling of +Irishmen often serves to bring out more prominently the flavour of the +Scottish humour. + +Don't play for money unless you have the majority of Scotchmen on your +side. + +The game is played with "stones," or, to use their Scotch pseudonym, +"stanes." To every man two stanes. You can either get your "stanes" +in England and travel out with them, or hire them in the locality. +They make the most pleasant travelling companions and at times are +the cause of many amusing incidents which beguile the tedium of the +journey. Also they often lead to your picking up chance acquaintances. +I have known one stone placed in a dimly lighted corridor of a +train productive of much merriment and harmless banter. Being of +considerable weight they do not readily respond to a playful kick, but +having no sharp corners they are seldom responsible for serious injury +to the kicker. + +Every stone, when new, has a handle. Be careful to preserve the handle +intact on the upper part of the stone. If this adjunct be lost or +mislaid the stone is less amenable to transit and almost useless for +its original purpose. + +You will also require a long-handled carpet-broom, which you will on +arrival re-name a "cow." Most dressing-bags constructed for foreign +travel are now fitted with these useful and picturesque articles. +The "cow" is used for two purposes. If you are lucky enough to be +appointed scorer for your side you mark the score on the handle in +such a way as to be indecipherable by everyone but yourself. This +prevents disputes with regard to the accuracy of your arithmetic. +You also use it to sweep the ice in front of a friendly stone which +appears likely to give up prematurely from exhaustion. Sweeping is +carried out under the direction of your captain, and the process is +known in the vernacular as "sooping 'er oop." You are not allowed +to retard the progress of a stone, friendly or otherwise, by +intentionally sweeping obstructions into its path. To discard a +portion of your "cow" in front of a rapidly advancing stone is +actionable. + +Over-enthusiasm in "sooping 'er 'oop" should be avoided. Ice is +proverbially slippery, and if you fall on to a friendly stone from +excess of energy or from debility, your side is "huffed" that stone. +This is a serious matter, and even if you are able to continue the +game you are looked on with disfavour by your friends. + +The object of the game is to get your stone as near as possible to the +centre of the circle at the other end of the rink. With this object +you stand on the piece of tin or "crampit" before referred to, grasp +the stone firmly by the handle and hurl it along the ice. It is almost +essential to let go the stone at the right moment, otherwise it will +hurl you. The game is almost identical with the commoner game of +"bowls," except for the language, which is worse. The term "wood" +is inappropriate and must be avoided, as the use of it may lay you +under a charge of ignorance or flippancy, which you will find almost +impossible to live down. + +I will conclude with a few hints to novices. Preserve a cool head +and steady eye. Whilst you are playing your shot your captain will be +dancing about in the circle at the other end of the ice. You will find +it best to disregard his maniacal shoutings and gesticulations. You +will probably not understand half of them and will not agree with the +other half. If he should break a blood-vessel do not take any notice +unless some part of his fallen body is likely to obstruct your stone. +In this case you are entitled to have him moved. + +If, after you have played, cries of "hog" or "wobbler" arise, remember +that you are engaged in a sport and not in politics and that there +is nothing really offensive in the terms. Finally, never scoff at the +language used, and above all remember that what is one man's game may +be another's religion. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIFE'S LITTLE TRAGEDIES. + +SHY AND NERVOUS HUSBAND, ABANDONED IN COSTUME DEPARTMENT BY HIS +WIFE WHO HAS GONE TO THE FITTING-ROOM TO HAVE HER DRESS FITTED, AND +SURROUNDED BY TALL AND BEAUTEOUS YOUNG LADIES WHOSE ONLY BUSINESS +SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A WORM.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EH, BUT I HAD A RARE TIME LAST YEAR-R. A WAS AT MA +COUSIN MACWHUSKIE'S A WHOLE FORTNIGHT, AN' A DIDNA ONCE KEN A WAS +THEER!"] + + * * * * * + +REVENGE. + +(_OR, A HINT TO A HOUSE-AGENT AFTER COMING AWAY FROM HIS OFFICE._) + + Your voice was pleasing and your face was fat; + With soap _ad libitum_ you sought to dabble us; + But when I told you we must leave the flat + Did I not notice; underneath the spat, + The bifurcated boot that marks _Diabolus_? + + I know that in a brief while you'll have found + The house I wanted (_sic_), superbly roomy, + With a fine view and every comfort crowned, + A short three minutes from the Underground; + Also I know that you are safe to "do" me. + + There will be something wrong; but you shall fill + My ears with praises specious and irrelevant + Of this and that; and you shall have your will, + And heave a deep sigh when I've paid my bill, + Having got off at last some rare white elephant. + + And when things happen to "The Yews" or "Planes" + Left by the Joneses like a haunt of lazars; + When the roof falls, or in the winter rains + The dining-room breaks out in sudden blains, + And every feast we have recalls BELSHAZZAR's; + + You shall be smiling. But you have not guessed + One thing, for all your wisdom, child of Lucifer: + You did not know I was a bard, whose breast + Could boil with bitter language when oppressed + Like a bargee's; if anything, abusiver. + + This is the high reward of sacred song; + The minstrels' voices are like falling honey + When the gods please them, but when things go wrong + They speak their mind out straight, and speak it strong, + Especially on points concerned with money. + + So, if you "do me down," I have my lyre, + And I shall trumpet (at the normal Press wage) + Such things about that house, and with such fire, + That all men ever after shall conspire + To shun the said demesne and curse that messuage. + + And spiders on the broken panes shall sit, + And the grey rats shall scuttle in the basement, + Until the Borough Council purchase it + And cleanse and decorate, and lastly fit + A fair blue _plaque_ above the study casement, + + Saying, "Here lived a while and wove his spell, + Eusebius Binks the bard, the unforgotten; + The house is mentioned in his 'Lines to Hell,' + Also the agents, Messrs. Azazel, + And the then drains which, so he sang, were rotten." + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +_The Daily Telegraph_ says of the Portsmouth Corporation telephone +system:-- + + "At present there are 1,899 subscribers and 2,528 distinct + telephones." + +Why doesn't the Post Office experiment with this new sort of +telephone. + + * * * * * + + "Yet it is necessary to state emphatically, although no representative + of a daily newspaper seems to have been under this impression, that not + for twenty years have I been so bored." + + _C.K.S. in "The Sphere," on the 'Edwin Drood' trial_. + +But how are the poor reporters to know so much about C.K.S. as that? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COULEUR D'ORANGE. + +MR. ASQUITH (_on the Riviera_). "LUCKY FOR ME THERE AREN'T ANY +'CONVERSATIONS' HERE--I MIGHT AGREE TO ALMOST ANYTHING."] + + * * * * * + +THE POST OFFICE AGAIN. + +DEAR UNCLE,--Its your birthday to-day. I sent you some nice pairs of +hankerchifs because its your birthday. They for your nose. Its funny +our birthdays being so close. And now no more from your loving neice + +NANCY. + +MY DEAR NANCY,--Thank you very much indeed for the nice +pocket-handkerchiefs. I am very pleased with them. Nobody has ever +troubled to give me handkerchiefs before with pretty flowers worked in +the corners. I have been wearing them to-day, or rather one of them. +They are so nice that I really meant to have kept them specially for +parties and things like that, but, as I was obliged to leave home in +a great hurry this morning, and someone had hidden my everyday +handkerchiefs, I took one of yours. + +Such a funny thing has happened. I sent you for your birthday a pretty +card with birds on it, and somehow or other it got taken in quite a +different direction, and was returned to me this morning by--whom do +you think? Auntie Maud, all the way away in Ireland. But we mustn't +blame the Postmaster-General without being absolutely sure of +ourselves. It is very difficult in mysterious cases like this to be +absolutely sure. Didn't you get my parcel? I sent it off at the same +time as I sent the card, and I haven't had the parcel back. I wonder +where it is. It looks as though things were going on that you and I +know nothing about. I shall be very angry with him if he has forgotten +to give you your parcel. + +Hoping you are quite well, thank you, Your loving + +UNCLE HENRY. + +DEAR UNCLE,--Thank you for your pretty card for my birthday. I didn't +got your parsel. Its very naughty of him when its my birthday. I hop +youll be very very angry with him because its my birthday and I didnt +get your parsel. And now no more from your loving neice + +NANCY. + +_The Postmaster-General_. + +SIR,--On Tuesday last I despatched by book-post a parcel from the +South-Western District Office. It is now Friday, and the parcel +has not been delivered. I should esteem it a favour if you would +kindly give the Official Handicapper for the District in question +instructions to allow my parcel to start forthwith. Yours faithfully, + +HY. FRESHFIELD. + +_The Postmaster-General_. + +SIR,--In reply to your enquiry as to the nature of the parcel, I beg +to inform you that it was oblong in shape and done up in brown paper +and tied securely with string. To assist you still further in the +task of identification, I may mention that it is addressed to Miss +Nancy Freshfield, c/o F.E.L. Freshfield, Esq., 47, Ottalie Gardens, +Westminster, S.W. + +Trusting that nothing serious has occurred to disqualify my parcel, +Yours faithfully, HY. FRESHFIELD. + +DEAR UNCLE,--I thought it was such a long time my parsel didnt come I +would write to you dear Uncle. I hop you were very angry with him. And +now no more + +from your loving neice NANCY. + +DEAR SIR,--I am directed by the Postmaster-General to inform you that +your parcel has now been traced. + +The name of the addressee was correctly stated by you, but you omitted +to append such further instructions for the guidance of the Post +Office as to indicate the destination to which you desired it to go. +I have the pleasure to add that the fuller information has been copied +in from your letter, and the parcel despatched.... + +DEAR NANCY,--By the same post that brought me your letter I heard from +our absent-minded friend, the Postmaster-General. You will be pained +to learn that he is even more absent-minded than we thought he was. +Although, when I handed him your parcel, I distinctly told him it +was going to Westminster, the moment my back is turned he must needs +forget all about it. + +I feel really rather sorry for him, and I don't think we ought to be +angry any more. He can't possibly forget now, because I have written +the address down for him. Your loving + +UNCLE HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT TO DO WITH OUR FAT MEN; OR, EVERY LITTLE HELPS.] + + * * * * * + +A CABINET CRISIS. + +It had to be faced at last. There is a demand for them occasionally, +and people won't put up with that excellent one taken under the +crab-apple tree any longer. + +I was caught just right there. The sun was in an indulgent mood and +winked at the signs of advancing age. The bald patch was out of sight, +and the smile would have softened the heart of an income-tax assessor. +I acquired the negative from the amateur performer, and had it +vignetted, which made it better still, as there was a space between +the cashmere sock and the spring trousering in the original that I did +not want attention drawn to. I had a large number of prints made, and +dealt them out to anybody who asked for a photograph of me. At first +they aroused considerable enthusiasm, but after five or six years a +look of doubt began to appear on the faces of the recipients. Hadn't I +got a later one? This was very nice, but--I pointed out that I hadn't +changed at all, or only a very little. At my best I was still like +that; and didn't they want me at my best? + +At last a person described by himself as plain-spoken, and by other +people as offensively rude, said that I had never really been as +good-looking as that, with all possible allowances made, and any way +he wanted a photograph and not a memorial card. I took a firm stand, +and said that if he wasn't satisfied with that one he could go without +altogether, and he said in the most insulting way that he supposed he +should be himself again in time if he took a tonic. + +A few more episodes of that sort eventually drove me to it. I passed +my _viva-voce_ examination at the hands of the young lady at the desk, +paid my fees, got my testamur, and was shown into the torture-chamber, +where the head executioner was busy adjusting his racks and screws. + +I was rather taken with the rustic seat that was standing on a white +fur mat in front of a scene representing the Jungfrau, but he headed +me off it. If I liked the Jungfrau as a background I could have +it, but not with the seat; that was for engaged couples only. He +recommended a pair of skis, or a bobsleigh; he could put a fine fall +of snow into the negative. But as I had arrayed myself in a black +coat, with one of those white waistcoat slips, and a flowing tie with +a pearl pin, I refused this offer, and we decided we wouldn't have a +background at all. + +As the man who administered the laughing gas was out at lunch, I +prepared to go through with it in cold blood, and seated myself in the +operating chair in the most natural attitude I could assume--something +like the one I had taken under the crab-tree. I thought I would show +them that there wasn't so much difference after all. But it did not +suit the head mechanic at all. He looked at me with his head on one +side, and then took hold of mine by the chin and the hair and gave it +a twist. I had never worn it at that angle in my life, and I knew it +would put my collar all wrong; but I had to do what he told me. He +arranged my coat so that it should look as if it had been made to +fit somebody else, and disposed my arms in such a way as to give the +sleeves the appearance of trouser legs with rucks in them. I felt +almost more sorry for my tailor than for myself, but I shall send him +one of the prints when I get them; it will be good for him. + +We were now ready to tackle the expression. I had chosen one that +would have been suitable for a man with a fair No Trump hand, but +with one suit not fully guarded, as I didn't want to overdo it; but, +judging from the inquisitor's remarks about the graveside, I am quite +ready to admit that it might not have come out like that. I hastily +dealt myself a hundred aces and a long suit of clubs, and he said +that that was better, but I must put off the idea of the funeral +altogether. It was not until I had assumed the appearance of a +reach-me-down Nut with a dislocated neck, being made love to by +six chorus-girls at once, that he condescended to take a look at +me through the peephole. Then he ran up to me, gave my chin another +hitch, pulled my neck another foot or two out of my collar, added a +ruck or two to my sleeves, and said he liked the other side of my face +better, after all. + +So we went through it all again, and I worked at it with a will, for I +wanted to see him get under his black cloth and finish the business. + +It wasn't as bad as I had thought, but he was not done by any means +when he had fired his first shot. He rammed more cartridges into the +breach, and twisted me into three fresh contortions. He said he was +sure that some of the efforts would turn out magnificently. + +I don't feel quite the same confidence myself. I am anxiously +awaiting the result, and trying to get rid of the crick in my neck +and to unbuckle the smile in the meantime. If it doesn't turn out +satisfactorily, I shall get a few lines--not too deep--put into the +negative of the one taken under the crab-tree, and a little hair +painted out--but not too much. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WORK! I'M NOT AFRAID O' WORK, BUT I CAN'T GET ANY IN +MY LINE." + +"WHAT IS YOUR LINE?" + +"I USED TO BE A STOCKBROKER, LIDY."] + + * * * * * + + "Lemnos and Samothrace are to pass to Greece, and Chios and + Wtlylene are to be neutralised."--_Daily Citizen_. + +We shall remain anxious until the last-named is sterilized. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAGEDY OF MIDDLE AGE. + + When I was a mid-Victorian nut + With a delicate taste in ties, + A highly elegant figure I cut, + At least in my own fond eyes, + And used to regard unwaxed moustaches + As one of the worst of social laches. + + But now I find in my youngest son + The sternest of autocrats. + He tells me the things that must be done + And orders my collars and spats; + Prescribes mild exercise on the links + And advises me on the choice of drinks. + + I've faithfully striven to imitate + My Mentor in dress and diction, + And loyally laboured to cultivate + A taste for the latest fiction; + Though I still read DICKENS upon the sly, + And even SCOTT, when nobody's by. + + It's true I've managed to draw the line + At going to tango teas, + For, after all, I am fifty-nine + And a trifle stiff in the knees; + But I've had to give up billiards for "slosh," + And pay laborious homage to "squash." + + Long since my whiskers I had to shave + To please this young barbarian, + But still for a while I stealthily clave + To the use of Pommade Hungarian; + But now my tyrant has made me snip + The glory and pride of my upper lip. + + "My dear old man," he recently said, + "If you go on waxing the ends, + You're bound to be cut, direct and dead, + By all of my nuttiest friends. + For it's only done, so _The Mail_ discovers, + By Labour leaders and taxi-shovers." + + So the deed was done, but whenever I gaze + On my face in the glass I moan + As I think of the mid-Victorian days + When my upper lip was my own. + For now, of length and of breadth bereft, + The ghost of a tooth-brush is all that's left. + + * * * * * + + "MISSING NAVY PAYMASTER ARRESTED." + + _"Evening Standard" Poster._ + +So that's where it was all the time! + + * * * * * + + "The Under-sheriff said ... rumours against a man's + character were like a rolling stone, gathering moss as it + went."--_Western Mail_. + +"As fond of the fire as a burnt child," is another of the Under +Sheriff's favourite sayings. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Indulgent Householder_. "WHY ARE YOU SINGING CAROLS, +MY LITTLE MAN? DON'T YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER?" + +_Youthful Caroller_. "YES, SIR; BUT I 'AD MEASLES ALL FROO +CHRISTMAS."] + + * * * * * + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +GLAMOUR. + +Once upon a time there was a peer who knew the frailty of unennobled +man. + +Having occasion to entertain at dinner a number of useful follows, he +instructed his butler to transfer the labels from a number of empty +bottles of champagne to an equal number of magnums of dry ginger-ale, +at ten shillings the dozen, and these were placed on the table. + +At the beginning of the repast his lordship casually drew attention +to the wine which he was giving his guests, and asked for their candid +opinion of it, as he was aware that they were all good judges, who +knew a good thing when they saw it, and he would value their opinion. + +And they one and all said it was an excellent champagne, and two or +three made a note of it in their pocket-books. And such was their +loyal enthusiasm that the banquet ended in a fine glow of something +exactly like hilarity. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MARY-GIRL." + +"I'm not going to give up my daily bath!" In these pregnant and moving +words rang the _cri de coeur_ which was to precipitate the tragedy of +_Mary Sheppard_. To you the attitude of mind which provoked this cry +may seem as natural as it was sanitary. But you must understand that +it ran directly counter to _Ezra Sheppard's_ ideal of the simple +God-fearing life. Godliness with him came first, and cleanliness +followed where it could. In his view a tub once a week was all that +any sane person should need. Apart from this hebdomadal use its proper +function was to hold dirty dishes and soiled clothes for the washing. +And indeed this had at one time been _Mary's_ own view (though +tempered by vague aspirations towards a softer existence, as we might +have guessed from the elegance of her brown shoes) before a year of +the higher life had shaken her content. Let us go back. + +[Illustration: Mr. MCKINNEL (_Ezra Sheppard_) to Miss MAY BLAYNEY +(_Mary Sheppard_). "You've been lying again! You know how I hate it--I +told you so in this very theatre when we were playing in _Between +Sunset and Dawn_."] + +_Ezra Sheppard_ was by profession a market-gardener, and his favourite +recreation was preaching in a barn. We have the picture of a frugal +but happy interior, with a new-born infant (_off_). The trouble began +with an offer made to his wife of a situation as foster-mother to +the baby (also _off_) of a neighbouring Countess. The wages were to +be high and she was to be delicately entreated; but there were hard +conditions. She was not to hold communication with her husband or +child for twelve months. I am sorry to say that _Mary_ did not flinch +from these conditions quite so much as I could have hoped. _Ezra_, +however, rejected them for her with manly scorn, until he was reminded +that the high wages would speed the end of his own ambitions--namely, +to replace his barn with a conventicle of brick. So he let his wife +loose into Eden with the Serpent. + +And now we see _Mary_ seated in the lap of luxury, with soft gowns to +wear, and peaches to eat and instant slaves at her beck. You will, of +course, expect her virtue to fall an easy prey; but you will be wrong. +The Earl's attitude is pleasantly parental, and the attentions of +the Countess's cavalier--an author--are confined to the extraction +of copy. And anyhow _Mary's_ instincts are sound. Now and again she +remembers to pity the loneliness of her husband, whose cottage light +she can see from the window of her bower; and once, by a ruse, she +gets him to break the conditions and visit her; but when he learns +that the invitation came from her, and not, as alleged, from the +Countess, his conscience will not permit him to take advantage of his +chance. So you have the unusual spectacle of a true and loving wife +pleading in vain for the embraces of her true and loving husband. + +But if her virtue, in the technical sense, remained intact, the +Serpent had overfed her with _pommes de luxe_. On her return +home--where the restoration of her child might have helped matters, +but it doesn't know who she is and refuses to part from its +foster-mother--we find her lethargic, off her feed, indifferent to the +claims of menial toil, and clamorous (as I have shown) for her rights +of the daily bath. + +In the first joy of conjugal reunion _Ezra_ consents to tolerate the +discomfort of this change, but in the end he loses patience and hits +her. She leaves for London the same afternoon. + +Six black months pass over the husband's bowed head, and then, on a +very windy night (the wind was well done), she makes a re-entry, and +confesses that, under stress of need, she has lapsed from virtue. This +is bad news for _Ezra_, but he is prepared to forgive a fault in which +he himself has had a fair share. Only there must be a sacrifice of +something, if moral justice is to be appeased. So he chooses between +his wife and his chapel and does execution on the latter. He goes +out into the storm and sets the thing alight. His conscience is thus +purified by fire, the gale being favourable to arson. + +It is a pity that so excellent an object as a brick chapel should be +the evil genius of the play. Yet so it is. Built of the materials of +Scandinavian drama, it is always just round the corner, heavy with +doom. We never see it, but we hear more than enough about it, and in +the end it becomes a bore which we are well rid of. + +The theme of the perils of foster-motherhood is not new, but Mrs. +MERRICK has treated it freshly and with a very decent avoidance of its +strictly sexual aspects. But her methods are too sedentary. She kept +on with her atmosphere long after we knew the details of the cottage +interior by heart; while a whole volume of active tragedy--_Mary's_ +six months in London--was left to our fevered imagination. And the +sense of reality which she was at such pains to create was spoiled by +dialogue freely carried on in the immediate vicinity of persons who +were not supposed to overhear it. + +The chief attraction of _Mary-Girl_ (a silly title) was the engaging +personality of Miss MAY BLAYNEY. Always a fascinating figure to watch, +she showed an extraordinary sensitiveness of voice and expression. +As for that honest and admirable actor, Mr. MCKINNEL, who made the +perfect foil to her charms that every good husband should wish to +be, he seems never to tire of playing these stern, dour, semi-brutal +parts. That more genial characters are open to him his success in +_Great Catherine_ showed. Miss MARY BROUGH, as a charwoman, supplied a +rare need with her richly-flavoured humour and its clipped sentences. +All the rest did themselves justice. Miss HELEN FERRERS was a shade +more aristocratic than the aristocrat of stage tradition; and it +was not the fault of Miss DOROTHY FANE (as her daughter, _Lady +Folkington_) that she was required to behave incredibly in the +presence of her inferiors. I have not much to say for the manners +of Society in its own circles; but it is probably at its best in its +intercourse with humbler neighbours. Mrs. MERRICK's picture of the +_Countess_ on a visit to the _Sheppards'_ cottage might have been +designed for a poster of the Land Campaign. + +There was no dissenting note, I am glad to say, in the reception of +Mrs. MERRICK's charming self when she appeared after the fall of the +curtain. + +"A pretty authoress!" said an actress in the stalls. + +"Is that your comment on the play?" I asked. + +"Yes!" she said. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "Her Majesty was accompanied by Princess Henry and + John."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +Where was Lord SAYE AND SELE? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "COME, COME, SIR! THAT'S THE HORSE WE KEEP FOR QUITE +YOUNG CHILDREN! HE WANTS TO _PLAY_ WITH YOU, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST STRAW. + + I sing the sofa! It had stood for years, + An invitation to benign repose, + A foe to all the fretful brood of fears, + Bidding the weary eye-lid sink and close. + Massive and deep and broad it was and bland-- + In short the noblest sofa in the land. + + You, too, my friend, my solid friend, I sing, + Whom on an afternoon I did behold + Eying--'twas after lunch--the cushioned thing, + And murmuring gently, "Here are realms of gold, + And I shall visit them," you said, "and be + The sofa's burden till it's time for tea." + + "Let those who will go forth," you said, "and dare, + Beyond the cluster of the little shops, + To strain their limbs and take the eager air, + Seeking the heights of Hedsor and its copse. + I shall abide and watch the far-off gleams + Of fairy beacons from the world of dreams." + + Then forth we fared, and you, no doubt, lay down, + An easy victim to the sofa's charms, + Forgetting hopes of fame and past renown, + Lapped in those padded and alluring arms. + "How well," you said, and veiled your heavy eyes, + "It slopes to suit me! This is Paradise." + + So we adventured to the topmost hill, + And, when the sunset shot the sky with red, + Homeward returned and found you taking still + Deep draughts of peace with pillows 'neath your head. + "His sleep," said one, "has been unduly long." + Another said, "Let's bring and beat the gong." + + "Gongs," said a third and gazed with looks intent + At the full sofa, "are not adequate. + There fits some dread, some heavy, punishment + For one who sleeps with such a dreadful weight. + Behold with me," he moaned, "a scene accurst. + The springs are broken and the sofa's burst!" + + Too true! Too true! Beneath you on the floor + Lay blent in ruin all the obscure things + That were the sofa's strength, a scattered store + Of tacks and battens and protruded springs. + Through the rent ticking they had all been spilt, + Mute proofs and mournful of your weight and guilt. + + And you? You slept as sweetly as a child, + And when you woke you recked not of your shame, + But babbled greetings, stretched yourself and smiled + From that eviscerated sofa's frame, + Which, flawless erst, was now one mighty flaw + Through the addition of yourself as straw. + + R.C.L. + + * * * * * + + "A really acceptable present for a lady is a nice piece + of artificial hair, as, when not absolutely necessary, it + is always useful and ornamental."--_Advt. in "Aberdeen + Free Press."_ + +Still, it might be misunderstood. + + * * * * * + + "Theologians and mystics might say, 'Is that not mere + anthropomrhpism?'"--_Mr. BALFOUR according to "The Daily + Mail."_ + +But a Welshman would say it best. + + * * * * * + + "An aggressive minority succeeded in showing that the + Little Navy-ites do not represent the bulk of public + opinion."--_Daily Express_. + +It is, of course, always the aggressive minority which really +represents the bulk of public opinion. + + * * * * * + +A BYGONE. + +When I see the white-haired and venerable Thompson standing behind my +equally white-haired but much less venerable father at dinner, exuding +an atmosphere of worth and uprightness and checking by his mere silent +presence the more flippant tendencies of our conversation; when I hear +him whisper into my youthful son's ear, "Sherry, Sir?" in the voice of +a tolerant teetotaler who would not force his principles upon any man +but hopes sincerely that this one will say No; and when I am informed +that he promised our bootboy a rapid and inevitable descent to a state +of infamy and destitution upon discovering no more than the fag end of +a cigarette behind his ear, then I am tempted to recall an incident of +fifteen years back, lest it be forgotten that Thompson is a man like +ourselves who has known, and even owned, a human weakness. + +Dinner had begun on that eventful evening at 7.30 P.M., and it was +drawing within sight of a conclusion, that is, the sweet had been +eaten and the savoury was overdue, at 9.45 P.M. Four of us had trailed +thus far through this critical meal: my father, a usually patient +widower who was becoming more than restless; the Robinsons, never a +jocund brace of guests, who were by now positively sullen, and myself +who, being but a boy--of twenty odd years and having little enough to +say to a woman of fifty-five and her still more antique husband, had +long ago settled down to a determined silence. Meanwhile Thompson, +then in his first year of service with us, tarried mysteriously heaven +knows where. + +The intervals of preparation before each course had been growing +longer and longer and the pause before the savoury threatened to be +infinite. My father commanded me to ring the bell severely. Longing to +escape from the table I did so with emphasis, and my ring summoned (to +our surprise, for we were not aware of her existence in the house) a +slightly soiled kitchen-maid. + +"Where is Thompson?" asked my father sternly. + +"At the telephone, Sir," stammered the maid. + +"The telephone!" cried my father. "Whatever is the matter?" + +The maid started to mumble an explanation, burst into tears and fled +in alarm, never again to emerge from the back regions. My father +commanded me to the bell again, but as I rose Thompson entered. He was +even then a stately and dignified person, and it was with a measured +tread and slow that he advanced upon my father. + +"Will you please serve the savoury at once?" said my father. + +"I am afraid it cannot be done, Sir," said Thompson. "May I explain, +Sir?" + +"What is the meaning of this?" asked my father, fearing some terrible +disaster below stairs, and sacrificing politeness to his guests with +the hope of saving lives in the kitchen. + +Thompson cleared his throat.--"For some weeks, Sir," he said, "I have +been much worried with financial affairs. Like a fool I have invested +all my savings in speculative shares, and the variations of the market +have unduly depressed me. When I am depressed I take no food, and that +depresses me even more." + +You will be as surprised as we were that this was allowed to continue, +but when a man of so few words as Thompson chooses to come out of +his shell he is always master of the situation. "And so, Sir," he +continued, "I have taken the liberty of telephoning to the mews for +a cab." + +He paused and bowed, as if this made it all clear, and was about +to withdraw. "Kindly finish serving dinner at once, and don't be +impudent," my father got out at last. + +Thompson sighed. "It is absolutely out of the question, Sir," said he. +"Quite, quite impossible." + +"Why on earth?" cried my father. + +Thompson became, if possible, more solemn and deliberate than before. +"I am drunk, Sir," said he. + +At this point Mrs. Robinson, whose indignation had slowly been +swelling within her, rose and left the room. Robinson, as in duty +bound, followed. Neither of them, to my infinite joy, has ever +returned... + +"Depressed by want of food, Sir," continued Thompson, by sheer duress +preventing my father from following his guests and attempting to +pacify them, "I have taken to spirits. I do not like the taste of +spirits and they go at once to my head. They depress me further, Sir, +but they intoxicate me. Yes, I am undoubtedly tipsy." + +My father seized the opportunity of his pause for reflection to order +him to leave the room and present himself in the morning when he was +sober. + +"You dismiss us without notice, Sir," he stated, referring to himself +and his wife in the kitchen. "First thing in the morning we go. And so +I have ordered the cab to take us." + +This was a very proper fate for Thompson but came a little hard on my +father. "But what am _I_ to do?" asked he. + +Thompson regarded him with a desultory smile. "The Mews desires to +know, Sir," said he, "who will pay for the cab?" + +I ought to be able to state that there followed with the cold light +of day an apology, with passionate tears and remorse, from Thompson, +or at least a severe reprimand from my father before he consented to +keep him on. I regret to say that my father, next morning, postponed +the interview till the evening, and from the evening till the next +morning, and--that interview is still pending. If this seems weak, you +have only to see Thompson to realize that no man with any sense of the +incongruous could even mention the word "Drink" in his presence. + +As for the cab which Thompson had ordered, though we never saw it we +later heard all about it. It went to the wrong house because, as the +proprietor of the mews informed us with shame and regret, the driver +entrusted with the order had been very much under the influence of +alcohol. Altogether it is a sordid tale, made no better by the fact +that the house which the drunken driver chose to go to and insult was +the Robinsons'... + + * * * * * + +LOVE AT THE CINEMA. + + Inert I watched the Hero sacked + For lapses clearly not his own; + The midnight murder on the cliff, + The wonted ante-nuptial tiff, + The orange-blossoms, bored me stiff. + The picture-hall was simply packed, + But I was all alone. + + Alone! Two little hours could span + The gloom that bound me stark and grim + (No melancholy pierced me through + Before the 7.32 + Had ravished Barbara from view), + And yet I brooked it like a man + Until I noticed HIM. + + He sat extravagantly near + His Heart's Delight. To my distress, + When temporary twilight fell, + He squeezed her hand (and squeezed it well!), + Possessed her waist, and in that shell, + That damask shell she calls an ear, + Breathed words of tenderness. + + The blood ran riot to my head + And still I held my madness thrall, + My lips repressed the frenzied shriek, + My straining heart was stout as teak; + But, when he kissed her mantling cheek, + I broke--and two attendants led + Me wailing from the hall. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LOST CHRISTMAS PRESENT. + +_Maid_ (_to postman delivering long-delayed parcel_). "WHAT IS IT?" + +_Postman_. "LABEL SAYS, 'WILD DUCKS,' BUT THEY'RE 'UMMING-BIRDS NOW".] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +There is at least one thing that will surprise you about _It Happened +in Egypt_ (METHUEN), and that is that, although C.N. and A.M. +WILLIAMSON are the writers, motor-cars are hardly so much as mentioned +throughout. It is a tale of the Nile and the Desert, of camels and +caravans, told with a quite extraordinary power of making you feel +that you have visited the scenes described. But this, of course, +if you have any previous experience of the WILLIAMSON method, will +not surprise you at all. As for the story that strings the scenes +together, though it promised well, with almost every possible element +of fictional excitement--buried treasure, and spies, and abductions, +and secrets--somehow the result was not wholly up to the expectation +thus created. To borrow an appropriate simile, the great thrill +remained something of a mirage, always in sight and never actually +reached. Also I wish to record my passionate protest against stories +of treasure-trove in which the treasure is not taken away in sacks and +used to enrich the hunters; I am all against leaving it underground, +for whatever charming and romantic reasons. No, it is not so much as +a novel of adventure that might have happened pretty well anywhere +that I advise you to read this book, but as a super-guide to scenes +and sensations that happen in Egypt and nowhere else. From the moment +when, as one of the WILLIAMSON party, you sit down to breakfast on the +terrace of Shepherd's, till you take leave of your fellow-travellers +in the mountain-tomb of QUEEN CANDACE, you will enjoy the nearest +possible approach to a luxurious Egyptian tour, under delightful +guidance, and at an inclusive fare of six shillings. + + * * * * * + +Mr. SETON GORDON is a bold man. It is one thing to call a book +_The Charm of the Hills_ (CASSELL) and quite another to succeed in +conveying that charm through the medium of the printed word. Perhaps, +however, he was encouraged by the success that has already attended +these pen-pictures of Highland scenes in serial form; certainly he +knew also that he had another source of strength in a collection of +the most fascinating photographs of mountain scenery and wild life, +nearly a hundred of which are reproduced in the present volume. So +that what Mr. GORDON the writer fails to convey about his favourite +haunts (which is not much) Mr. GORDON the photographer is ready +to supply. The papers, which range in subject from ptarmigan to +cairngorms, are written with an engaging simplicity and directness, +and show a sympathetic knowledge of wild nature such as is the +reward only of long familiarity. The glorious mountain wind +blows through them all, so that as you read you feel the heather +brushing your knees, and see the clouds massing on the peaks of +Ben-something-or-other. Perhaps Mr. GORDON is at his most interesting +on the subject of the Golden Eagle. There are many striking snapshots +of the king of birds in his royal home; and some stories of court +life in an eyrie that are fresh and enthralling. One thing that I was +specially glad to learn on so good authority is that the Golden Eagle, +so far from being threatened with extinction, is actually increasing +in the deer forests of the North. This is intelligence as welcome as +it is nowadays unusual. The book, which is published at 10s. 6d. net, +is dedicated "to one who loves the glens and corries of the hills"; +and all who answer to this description should be grateful to the +writer for his delightful record. + + * * * * * + +Goodness knows that of all London's teeming millions I am the +possessor of the most easily curdled blood, but my flesh declined +to creep an inch from the first page to the last of _Animal Ghosts_ +(RIDER). I think it was Mr. ELLIOTT O'DONNELL's way of telling +his stories that was responsible for my indifference. He is so +incorrigibly reticent. His idea of a well-told ghost story runs on +these lines:--"In the year 189--, in the picturesque village of +C----, hard by the manufacturing town of L----, there lived a wealthy +gentleman named T---- with his cousin F---- and two friends M---- +and R----." I simply refuse to take any interest in the spectres of +initials, still less in the spectres of the domestic pets of initials. +I am no bigot; by all means deny your ghost his prerogative of +clanking chains and rattling bones; but there are certain points on +which I do take a firm stand, and this matter of initials is one of +them. Not one of these stories is convincing. Mr. O'DONNELL taps +you on the chest and whispers hoarsely, "As I stood there my blood +congealed, I could scarcely breathe. My scalp bristled;" and you, +if you are like me, hide a yawn and say, "No, really?" There is a +breezy carelessness, too, about his methods which kills a story. He +distinctly states, for instance, that the story of the "Headless Cat +of No. ----, Lower Seedley Street, Manchester," was told to him by a +Mr. ROBERT DANE. In the first half of the narrative this gentleman's +brother-in-law addresses him as _Jack_, and later on his wife says to +him, "Oh, _Edward_." What a man whose own Christian name is so much a +matter of opinion has to say about seeing headless cats does not seem +to me to be evidence. + + * * * * * + +There seems to be an increasing public for the volume of reflections. +At all events Mr. REGINALD LUCAS, who has already two or three +successes in this kind to his credit, has been encouraged to produce +another, to which he has given the pleasant title of _The Measure of +our Thoughts_ (HUMPHREYS). It is, of course, difficult to be critical +with a book like this; either it pleases the reader or it doesn't, and +that is about all that can be said. One reason for my belief that Mr. +LUCAS's _Thoughts_ will please is that he has put them into the brain +of a definitely conceived and very well drawn character. They are told +in the form of letters by this character to his old tutor. The writer +is supposed to be the rather unattractive and self-conscious eldest +son of a noble house, who suffers from the presence of a father and +sister who think him a fool, and a brother whose charm is a continual +and painful contrast to his own lack of it. The special skill of the +letters is their self-revelation, which brings out the pathos of the +writer's position, while at the same time showing quite clearly the +defects that explained it. Mr. LUCAS, in short, does not commit the +error of making his hero merely a mute, misunderstood paragon, whom +anyone with common penetration must have recognised as such. On the +contrary, we sympathise with him, especially in the big tragedy of +his life, while quite admitting that to any casual acquaintance he +must have appeared only a dull and uninteresting egoist. This I call +clever, because it shows that Mr. LUCAS has created a real thinker, +rather than striven to give him any unusual profundity of thought. An +agreeable book. + + * * * * * + +In the sixteenth chapter of the First Part of _The Rocks of Valpré_ +(FISHER UNWIN) _Trevor Mordaunt_ married _Christine Wyndham_, and on +the last page (which is the 511th) of the book, "she opened to him the +doors of her soul, and drew him within...." Granted that _Mordaunt_, +with the eyes of steel, was not exactly an oncoming man and that when +he married _Christine_ he received, as wedding presents, two or three +brothers-in-law who sponged hopelessly upon him, I still think that +Miss ETHEL DELL has given us too detailed an account of the domestic +differences between _Mordaunt_ and his wife. For my own part I became +frankly tired of the pecuniary crises of the _Wyndhams_ and of their +incurable inability to tell the truth. Had _Mordaunt_ got up and given +these feckless brethren a sound hiding I should have been relieved, +but he preferred to make them squirm by using his steely eyes. In +the future I suggest to Miss DELL that she should leave these strong +silent men alone. They have had their day and gone out of vogue. The +best part of this book, and indeed the best work Miss DELL has yet +done, is her treatment of the romantic friendship between _Christine_ +and _Bertrand de Montville_. It is handled so touchingly and so +surely that I resent with all the more peevishness the banality of the +steel-eyed one. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE OF THE FEW HISTORIC MANSIONS OF ENGLAND WHERE QUEEN +ELIZABETH DID _NOT_ SLEEP.] + + * * * * * + + "His lordship dismissed the application, with costs, and the + jury found in his favour, assessing the damages at £1,000." + +We should like to be a Judge. It seems to be easy and well-paid work. + + * * * * * + +From the synopsis of a Singapore play--just the last scene or two:-- + + "Samion, after going through Nyai Dasima's fortune, + maltreated her, and told her to leave his protection. He also + commissioned a wicked man called Puasa to murder Nyai Dasima. + Puasa murdered Dasima, and throw her body into a river. The + corpse of Dasima floated and entangled in the bathing-place + of William. William, seeing this, at once reported to the + Police of Dasima's death. Puasa and others were arrested and + imprisoned. The Judge investigated the case, and Puasa was + sentenced to be hanged. Samion got mad and died. Mah Buyong + also got mad." + +And so home to bed. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 21, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12465 *** |