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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146.,
+January 21, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 21, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12465]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 146.
+
+
+
+January 21, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "NOT VERY SPORTING LINKS, ARE THEY?"
+
+EVEN EARTHQUAKES HAVE THEIR USE.
+
+"AH, THAT'LL MAKE BETTER GOLF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+MAJOR-GENERAL LEONARD WOOD, chief of the U.S.A. General Staff, has
+reported that the American Army is, practically speaking, unarmed,
+and advises the immediate expenditure of L1,200,000 for artillery and
+ammunition. We fancy, however, that the present state of affairs is
+the result of a compromise with the American Peace party, who will not
+object to their country having an army so long as it is unarmed.
+
+       ***
+
+"VICTORY FOR THE ORANGE WOMEN.
+
+DRURY LANE INSTITUTION TO CONTINUE."
+
+This should put heart into the Orange Men of Ulster.
+
+       ***
+
+We hear that, to celebrate the recent glorious victory in Alsace, the
+little town of Zabern is to be re-named Saebeln.
+
+       ***
+
+The Rev. N. FITZPATRICK, describing a visit to the Balkan States in
+a lecture at the Camera Club, spoke of the difficulties he had with
+his laundry. The same bundle of clothes was soaked in Roumania,
+rough-dried in Bulgaria, and ironed in Servia. We are astonished
+that the lecturer should have made no mention of mangling, which we
+understand is done well in the Balkan States.
+
+       ***
+
+The KAISER, we are told, has given instructions that his _menus_ are
+in future to be written in German. What, by the way, _is_ the French
+for _Sauerkraut_?
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. ARCHIBALD, a member of the Australian House of Representatives,
+has calculated that the value of the property of the five million
+inhabitants of the Commonwealth is L780,000,000. We cannot but think
+it is a mistake to divulge the fact with so many dishonest people
+about.
+
+       ***
+
+_I do like your eyes_ is the latest bright thought for a Revue title.
+To be followed, no doubt, by _Her nose isn't bad, is it?_ and _What's
+wrong with her toes?_
+
+       ***
+
+"FRENCH BATTLESHIP DROPPED."
+
+_Pall Mall Gazette_.
+
+Very careless of someone.
+
+       ***
+
+Reading that one of the features of the new British battleship class
+will be less draught, Aunt Caroline remarked that she was glad to hear
+this: she had always understood that during even half a gale it was
+very easy to catch cold at sea.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir RUFUS ISAACS has decided to take the title of Lord READING. This
+still leaves it open to a distinguished literary man, should he be
+made a peer, to become Lord Writing.
+
+       ***
+
+The age of pleasure! Where will it stop? Extract from _The Witney
+Gazette_:--"On Monday evening a very successful dance was given in the
+Corn Exchange ... The company numbered over one hundred, and dancing
+to the strains of Taylor's Oxford Scarlet Band was enjoyed till the
+early hours of Wednesday morning."
+
+       ***
+
+While Police Constable JAKEMAN was in Eldon Road, Reading, last week,
+a cat suddenly pounced on him and bit him. We have not yet received
+a full account of the incident, but apparently the constable was on
+detective duty and cleverly disguised as a mouse.
+
+       ***
+
+One of the cats shown at the Grand Championship Cat Show had her fur
+cut and trimmed like a poodle's. The matter has been much discussed in
+canine circles, and we understand that there may be trouble.
+
+       ***
+
+An express train travelling from Nice to Macon was, last week, beaten
+by an eagle, which raced it over a distance of eighteen miles. Birds
+are evidently being put upon their mettle by the aeroplanes.
+
+       ***
+
+Alleged notice outside Drury Lane:--
+
+SLEEPING BEAUTY.
+
+N.B.--CHAUFFEURS ARE KINDLY
+REQUESTED NOT TO HOOT
+WHEN PASSING.
+
+       ***
+
+From Paris comes the news that a successor to the Tango has been
+found in the form of a Chinese dance known as the Tatao. The name,
+presumably, is a contraction of the words "Ta-ta, Tango."
+
+       ***
+
+A new character named "It" appears in the revival of _The Darling of
+the Gods_. We presume it is The Limit.
+
+       ***
+
+The manager of the Little Theatre is making arrangements for shilling
+seats for the first time in the history of the house. How is it going
+to be done? By _Magic_, of course.
+
+       ***
+
+"The Shepherdess without a Heart" continues to make good progress, and
+the medical profession is much interested.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FAREWELL TOUR.
+
+This is positively Chum's last appearance in print--for his own sake
+no less than for yours. He is conceited enough as it is, but if once
+he got to know that people are always writing about him in the papers
+his swagger would be unbearable. However, I have said good-bye to
+him now; I have no longer any rights in him. Yesterday I saw him off
+to his new home, and when we meet again it will be on a different
+footing. "Is that your dog?" I shall say to his master. "What is he? A
+Cocker? Jolly little fellows, aren't they? I had one myself once."
+
+As Chum refused to do the journey across London by himself, I met him
+at Liverpool Street. He came up in a crate; the world must have seemed
+very small to him on the way. "Hallo, old ass," I said to him through
+the bars, and in the little space they gave him he wriggled his body
+with delight. "Thank Heaven there's _one_ of 'em alive," he said.
+
+"I think this is my dog," I said to the guard, and I told him my name.
+
+He asked for my card.
+
+"I'm afraid I haven't one with me," I explained. When policemen touch
+me on the shoulder and ask me to go quietly; when I drag old gentlemen
+from underneath motor-'buses, and they decide to adopt me on the spot;
+on all the important occasions when one really wants a card, I never
+have one with me.
+
+"Can't give him up without proof of identity," said the guard, and
+Chum grinned at the idea of being thought so valuable.
+
+I felt in my pockets for letters. There was only one, but it offered
+to lend me L10,000 on my note of hand alone. It was addressed to "Dear
+Sir," and though I pointed out to the guard that I was the "Sir," he
+still kept tight hold of Chum. Strange that one man should be prepared
+to trust me with L10,000, and another should be so chary of confiding
+to me a small black spaniel.
+
+"Tell the gentleman who I am," I said imploringly through the bars.
+"Show him you know me."
+
+"He's _really_ all right," said Chum, looking at the guard with his
+great honest brown eyes. "He's been with us for years."
+
+And then I had an inspiration. I turned down the inside pocket of my
+coat; and there, stitched into it, was the label of my tailor's with
+my name written on it. I had often wondered why tailors did this;
+obviously they know how stupid guards can be.
+
+"I suppose that's all right," said the guard reluctantly. Of course I
+might have stolen the coat. I see his point.
+
+"You--you wouldn't like a nice packing case for yourself?" I said
+timidly. "You see, I thought I'd put Chum on the lead. I've got to
+take him to Paddington, and he must be tired of his shell by now. It
+isn't as if he were _really_ an armadillo."
+
+The guard thought he would like a shilling and a nice packing case.
+Wood, he agreed, was always wood, particularly in winter, but there
+were times when you were not ready for it.
+
+"How are you taking him?" he asked, getting to work with a chisel.
+"Underground?"
+
+"Underground?" I cried in horror. "Take Chum on the Underground?
+Take--Have you ever taken a large live conger-eel on the end of a
+string into a crowded carriage?"
+
+The guard never had.
+
+"Well, don't. Take him in a taxi instead. Don't waste him on other
+people."
+
+The crate yawned slowly, and Chum emerged all over straw. We had an
+anxious moment, but the two of us got him down and put the lead on
+him. Then Chum and I went off for a taxi.
+
+"Hooray," said Chum, wriggling all over, "isn't this splendid? I say,
+which way are you going? I'm going this way?... No, I mean the other
+way."
+
+Somebody had left some of his milk-cans on the platform. Three times
+we went round one in opposite directions and unwound ourselves the
+wrong way. Then I hauled him in, took him struggling in my arms and
+got into a cab.
+
+The journey to Paddington was full of interest. For a whole minute
+Chum stood quietly on the seat, rested his fore-paws on the open
+window and drank in London. Then he jumped down and went mad. He tried
+to hang me with the lead, and then in remorse tried to hang himself.
+He made a dash for the little window at the back; missed it and
+dived out of the window at the side; was hauled back and kissed me
+ecstatically, in the eye with his sharpest tooth ... "And I thought
+the world was at an end," he said, "and there were no more people.
+Oh, I am an ass. I say, did you notice I'd had my hair cut? How do
+you like my new trousers? I must show you them." He jumped on to my
+lap. "No, I think you'll see them better on the ground," he said, and
+jumped down again. "Or no, perhaps you _would_ get a better view if--"
+he jumped up hastily, "and yet I don't know--" he dived down, "though
+of course, if you--Oh lor! this _is_ a day," and he put both paws
+lovingly on my collar.
+
+Suddenly he was quiet again. The stillness, the absence of storm
+in the taxi was so unnatural that I began to miss it. "Buck up, old
+fool," I said, but he sat motionless by my side, plunged in thought. I
+tried to cheer him up. I pointed out King's Cross to him; he wouldn't
+even bark at it. I called his attention to the poster outside the
+Euston Theatre of The Two Biffs; for all the regard he showed he might
+never even have heard of them. The monumental masonry by Portland Road
+failed to uplift him.
+
+At Baker Street he woke up and grinned cheerily. "It's all right,"
+he said, "I was trying to remember what happened to me this
+morning--something rather-miserable, I thought, but I can't get hold
+of it. However it's all right now. How are _you_?" And he went mad
+again.
+
+At Paddington I bought a label at the bookstall and wrote it for him.
+He went round and round my leg looking for me. "Funny thing," he said
+as he began to unwind, "he was here a moment ago. I'll just go round
+once more. I rather think ... _Ow!_ Oh, there you are!" I stepped off
+him, unravelled the lead and dragged him to the Parcels Office.
+
+"I want to send this by the two o'clock train," I said to the man the
+other side of the counter.
+
+"Send what?" he said.
+
+I looked down. Chum was making himself very small and black in the
+shadow of the counter. He was completely hidden from the sight of
+anybody the other side of it.
+
+"Come out," I said, "and show yourself."
+
+"Not much," he said. "A parcel! I'm not going to be a jolly old parcel
+for anybody."
+
+"It's only a way of speaking," I pleaded. "Actually you are travelling
+as a small black gentleman. You will go with the guard--a delightful
+man."
+
+Chum came out reluctantly. The clerk leant over the counter and
+managed to see him.
+
+"According to our regulations," he said, and I always dislike people
+who begin like that, "he has to be on a chain. A leather lead won't
+do."
+
+Chum smiled all over himself. I don't know which pleased him
+more--the suggestion that he was a very large and fierce dog, or the
+impossibility now of his travelling with the guard, delightful man
+though he might be. He gave himself a shake and started for the door.
+
+"Tut, tut, it's a great disappointment to me," he said, trying to
+look disappointed, but his back _would_ wriggle. "This chain
+business--silly of us not
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BLACK MAN'S BURDEN.
+
+REFRAIN BY NATIVES OF SOUTH AFRICA AND KIKUYU.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Kindly Hostess_ (_to nervous reciter who has broken
+down in "The Charge of the Light Brigade"_). "NEVER MIND MR. TOMPKINS,
+JUST TELL US IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+to have known--well, well, we shall be wiser another time. Now let's
+go home."
+
+Poor old Chum; I _had_ known. From a large coat pocket I produced a
+chain.
+
+"_Dash_ it," said Chum, looking up at me pathetically, "you might
+almost _want_ to get rid of me."
+
+He was chained, and the label tied on to him. Forgive me that label,
+Chum; I think that was the worst offence of all. And why should I
+label one who was speaking so eloquently for himself; who said from
+the tip of his little black nose to the end of his stumpy black tail,
+"I'm a silly old ass, but there's nothing wrong in me, and they're
+sending me away!" But according to the regulations--one must obey the
+regulations, Chum.
+
+I gave him to the guard--a delightful man. The guard and I chained him
+to a brake or something. Then the guard went away, and Chum and I had
+a little talk ...
+
+After that the train went off.
+
+Good-bye, little dog. A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady Strachie wishes to thoroughly recommend her permanent
+    Caretaker and Husband."--_Advt. in "Morning Post."_
+
+Lord STRACHIE should be a proud man to-day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW GREAT MEN SHOW EMOTION.
+
+    [Mr. HANDEL BOOTH, speaking in Hyde Park recently, declared
+    that, when he informed Lord ABERDEEN of the conduct of the
+    police during the Dublin riots, the Lord Lieutenant "buried
+    his head in his hands."]
+
+Mr. Leo Maxixe, writing in _The Irrational Review_, states that he
+has it on the best authority that when the GERMAN EMPEROR read the
+Criccieth New Year's interview with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE he exclaimed,
+"This beats the Tango," and fell heavily on the hearthrug.
+
+Mr. James Larvin, addressing a meeting of the Confederates at the
+Saveloy Hotel, informed his hearers that when Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL
+read the article in _The Daily Mail_ on his future he stood on his
+head in the corner for three minutes, to the great embarrassment of
+Sir FRANCIS HOPWOOD, who was present.
+
+Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, writing in _The British Weekly_, asserts
+that when Mr. MASSINGHAM read "C.K.S.'s" recent reference to _The
+Nation_ in _The Sphere_ he kicked the waste-paper basket round the
+room and tore the hair out of his head in handfuls.
+
+Mr. CECIL CHESTERTON, addressing a meeting of non-party fishmongers at
+Billingsgate last week, stated that he had heard that when Mr. GODFREY
+ISAACS informed the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE that Mr. HANDEL BOOTH had
+retired from the Dublin Police Inquiry Lord READING OF EARLEY burst
+into tears and hid his face in his wig.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY MR. CHESTERTON SHUNS THE ISLE OF WIGHT.
+
+Extract from local time-table:--
+
+    "10.45 a.m. Motor Service between Freshwater and Newport
+    for light passengers only."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Referring to the plea of Dr. Budge, the poet laureate,
+    for purer English, a writer in the 'Daily Chronicle'
+    says...."--_Glasgow Evening Citizen_.
+
+Purer spelling of names is what the POET LAUREATE would really like to
+see.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was very touching of _The Evening News_ to give so much space to
+the distressing story of the real Duchess who could not get a seat at
+Olympia--(surely they might have thrown out a common person to make
+room for her?)--but it was tactless to go on:
+
+    "'If you will bring me a couple of chairs,' said the duchess,
+    'I will sit down in the gangway with the greatest pleasure.'"
+
+It makes one wonder which of our larger duchesses it was.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HOUSE OF PUNCH.
+
+    [He "married a princess of the House of Punch."--_Excerpt
+    front an account of the life of a former King of Kashmir_.]
+
+  Hail, Master, and accept the news I bring.
+      I come to make a solemn mystery clear,
+  One that affects you deeply; for I sing
+          Of a most ancient king
+    Nine hundred years ago in fair Kashmir,
+    Who yearned towards a bride, and--hear, oh hear,
+  Lord of the reboant nose and classic hunch--
+  "Married a princess of the House of Punch."
+
+  Yes, you are royal, as one might have seen.
+      The loftiness of your despotic sway,
+  Your strange aloofness and unearthly mien
+          (Yet regal) might have been
+    A full assurance of monarchic clay.
+    Had but the fates run kindly, at this day
+  Yourself should be a king of orient fame,
+  Chief of the princely house that bears your name.
+
+  Methinks I see you at it. I can see
+      A shamiana[1] loftily upreared
+  Beneath a banyan (or banana) tree,
+          Whichever it may be,
+    Where, with bright turban and vermilion beard
+    (A not unfrequent sight, and very weird),
+  You sit at peace; a small boy, doubly bowed,
+  Acts as your footstool and, though stiff, is proud.
+
+  Fragrant with Champak scents the warm wind sighs
+      Heavily, faintly, languorously fanned
+  By drowsy peacock-plumes--to keep the flies
+          From your full nose and eyes--
+    Waved from behind you, where on either hand
+    Two silent slaves of Nubian polish stand,
+  Whose patent-leather visages reflect
+  The convex day, with mirror-like effect.
+
+  Robed in a garment of the choicest spoil
+      Of Persian looms, you sit apart to deal
+  Grace to the suppliant and reward for toil,
+          T'abase the proud, and boil
+    The malefactor, till upon you steal
+    Mild qualms suggestive of the mid-day meal;
+  And, then, what plump, what luscious fruits are those?
+  What goblets of what vintage? Goodness knows.
+
+  Gladly would I pursue this glowing dream,
+      To sing of deeds of chivalry and sport,
+  Of cushioned dalliance in the soft hareem
+          (A really splendid theme),
+    The pundits and tame poets at your court,
+    And all such pride, but I must keep it short.
+  Once let me off upon a thing so bright,
+  And I should hardly stop without a fight.
+
+  But now you stand plain Mister; and, no doubt,
+      Would have for choice this visioned pomp untold.
+  Yet, Sire, I beg you, cast such musings out;
+          Put not yourself about
+    For a vain dream. If I may make so bold,
+    Your present lot should keep you well consoled.
+  You still are great, and have, when all is done,
+  A fine old Eastern smack, majestic One.
+
+  The vassals of your fathers were but few
+      Compared with yours, who move the whole world wide;
+  You still can splash an oriental hue,
+          Red, yellow, green or blue,
+    Upon a fresh and various outside;
+    While you support--perhaps your greatest pride
+  High pundits for your intellectual feast,
+  And some tame bards, of whom I am the least.
+
+  DUM-DUM.
+
+[Footnote 1: Tent]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GIVEN AWAY.
+
+A correspondent of _The Times_ writes:--"The _Niva_, the _Russian
+Family Herald_, promises to annual subscribers, in addition to a copy
+of the paper every week--
+
+  The complete works of Korolenko in twenty-five volumes.
+  The complete works of Edmond Rostand.
+  The complete works of Maikof.
+  A literary supplement every month.
+  A fashion book.
+  A book of patterns of fancy-work designs.
+  A tear-off calendar for 1914,"
+
+and adds, "Where does English or American journalistic enterprise
+stand beside this?"
+
+We understand that our more enterprising contemporaries have no
+intention of allowing this question to remain unanswered, and the
+wildest rumours are afloat as to the nature of the gifts which will be
+offered next year to annual subscribers by various British journals.
+
+With a view to test the accuracy of these rumours our Special
+Representative called yesterday upon the Editors of several leading
+publications, and, although much secrecy is still maintained, he has
+succeeded in collecting some valuable information. For instance, the
+report that _The Nineteenth Century and After_ would include among
+its gifts the dramatic works of the MELVILLE BROS., _HOW to Dance the
+Tango_, and _Sweeter than Honey_, a novel with a strong love interest,
+lacks confirmation; nor are we in a position to assert definitely that
+_The Spectator_ will present a beautiful coloured supplement, entitled
+"Susie's Pet Pup," and a handsome mug bearing the inscription: "A
+Present from Loo," though we believe that such may be the case.
+
+On the other hand, _The Times'_ reply to an inquiry as to whether
+they would present to each reader half a ton of supplements was that
+they had done so for some years past; and _The Daily Mirror_ did not
+deny that they were considering the proposal to present a framed
+copy of the portrait of John Tiffinch which appeared in their issue
+of February 29, 1913. (Tiffinch, our readers will remember, was
+brother-in-law to the man who discovered the great emerald robbery.)
+
+_The British Medical Journal's_ list will include the works of GEORGE
+BERNARD SHAW and the Life of Mrs. EDDY; but the report that _The
+Tailor and Cutter_ would present _Wild Tribes of Central Africa_ is
+emphatically denied.
+
+Finally, _The Boxing World_ had not thought of offering any
+free-gifts, but on learning that BOSWELL had written a Life of JOHNSON
+seemed inclined to reconsider their decision.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In order to counteract a tendency to stoutness which
+    ex-President Taft is now overcoming, the Kaiser has lately
+    undergone a systematic course of outdoor 'training.'"--_Daily
+    Mail_.
+
+This is very friendly of the KAISER, but Mr. TAFT will probably do it
+better by himself.
+
+Says an Edinburgh tram-car advertisement:--
+
+            THE SCOTTISH ORCHESTRA.
+  Conductor..........E. Mlynarski.
+  Solo Violinist.....Duci Kerekjarto."
+
+You should see these natives when they get among the haggis. Hoots!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE KAKEKIKOKUANS;
+
+OR, THE HEATHEN IN HIS BLINDNESS.
+
+THE country of Kakekikoku, as its name suggests, lies in the vicinity
+of Timbuctoo, the well-known African resort; and at the present time,
+when so much interest is centred upon that little-known land, it may
+be profitable to our readers, as well as to the writer, to give some
+information about it.
+
+A famous Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society, who has travelled
+widely, not only in this country but in Belgium and the Channel
+Islands, has stated that Kakekikoku is richly endowed with the
+bewilderments, perils and mysteries of primitive and unexplored
+African territory. A warlike and exclusive folk, the Kakekikokuans
+extend a red-hot welcome to the foreigner who ventures within their
+borders. They are possessed of a fine physique and an intelligence
+of a subtler kind than many savage races can pretend to; yet while
+having all the qualities that should go to the building up of a
+strong nation, certain conditions of their life bar the way to such an
+achievement. In a word, the Kakekikokuans are in the clutches of the
+medicine-man. Each of these despots has his own little following, and
+wields a distinctive influence, it being a point of honour with him
+that his teaching should differ in some way (usually in but a trivial
+detail) from the teaching of any other of his kind. The solemnity of
+their discussions and the heat of their dissensions about the minutiae
+of their creeds would be laughable were it not so pathetic..
+
+And not only do the medicine-men dispute among themselves, but their
+followers engage even more vehemently in bitter strife. For instance,
+there is a national belief that the juby-juby nut, which grows in the
+forests in profusion, possesses some supernatural virtue that will
+make a man who chews it impervious to the weapons of his enemies.
+That this virtue exists is generally accepted; but when it comes to
+a discussion of how, when and where to chew the nut, much wrangling
+goes on; and such men as survive in battle claim that their particular
+method is proved to be the correct one, while such as succumb are
+cited in proof of the error of their process of absorbing the
+juices of the juby-juby nut. The survivors include, of course,
+representatives of various schools of thought, and a battle against
+a common enemy rarely goes by without being immediately followed by
+a conflict among the surviving Kakekikokuans in order to put to final
+proof their respective theories about their remarkable fruit. Thus a
+promising people is committing race-suicide; for this sort of thing
+goes on not only in connection with this particular problem, but over
+such questions as the number of beads to wear round one's neck when
+visiting the medicine-man, whether the national custom of saluting
+the rising sun need be observed on cloudy mornings, and whether
+the medicine-man is entitled to the pick of the yams on any day but
+Sunday. People of different opinions on these points decline to eat
+together or to enter into social intercourse with one another; and
+their children are forbidden to mingle in play.
+
+The good news has just come to hand, however, that a band of Church
+of England missionaries, despatched by the Bishop of ZANZIBAR, has
+now entered the country; and it is delightful to contemplate the
+beneficent result that may be expected from their broadminded attitude
+and their sane teaching on the subject of the brotherhood of man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Observant Lady_ (_to gentleman alighting from 'bus_).
+"_I_ THINK YOU'VE DROPPED A PENNY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Berlin critics have been accusing Mr. Bernard Shaw of
+    having committed in his 'Pygmalion,' produced in Germany the
+    other day, a plagiarism from Smollett's novel, 'Peregrine
+    Pickle.' Mr. Shaw denies that he has ever read the novel
+    in question, and, in an interview in the London 'Observer,'
+    remarks: 'The suggestion of the German papers that I had
+    Pygmalion produced in Germany lest I should be detected in
+    my own country of plagiarism, shows an amusing ignorance of
+    English culture.'"--_Yorkshire Evening Post_.
+
+It does. Why even our most cultured countryman, Mr. BERNARD SHAW, has
+never read _Peregrine Pickle_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Spademan, of Woodnewton, Northants, placed a dozen eggs
+    under a hen some time ago, and there were hatched out thirteen
+    chickens, one of the eggs being double-yolked. All the young
+    birds are doing well.
+
+    Burroughes and Watts' billiard tables for
+    accuracy."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_.
+
+They are, in fact, a lesson to Mr. STADEMAN's hens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LACONICS.
+
+"As a matter of fact," said the doctor, "you ought not to speak at
+all. But that's asking too much. So let it go at this--not a word more
+than is necessary. Good-bye.",
+
+He left the room and I lay back pondering on his instructions. How
+many words were really necessary?
+
+The nurse soon after entered.
+
+"So the doctor's gone," she said.
+
+Obviously it wasn't necessary to say Yes, since the room was empty
+save for me and her; so I made no reply.
+
+She went to the window and looked out. The sky was blue and the
+sunshine was brilliant.
+
+"It's a fine day," she said.
+
+No, I thought, you don't catch me there; and said nothing. But I
+reflected that yesterday I might myself have made the same inane
+remark as she.
+
+"Would you like the paper?" she asked.
+
+"Yes," I said, and then almost regretted it, for having waited nearly
+fifty years for yesterday's news surely I could wait longer. Still,
+the paper would help to pass the time.
+
+While she was fetching it I remembered a dream of last night which I
+had intended to tell her this morning.
+
+But why do so? A dream is of no account even to the dreamer. Still,
+the recital might have made her laugh. But why should laughter be
+bothered about?
+
+The nurse brought the paper and I signified Thank you.
+
+"I'll leave you for a while now," she said; "The fire's all right.
+Your drink's by the bed. You'll ring if you want anything."
+
+All these things I knew. My drink is always beside the bed; the bell
+is the natural communication between me and the house. What a foolish
+chatterbox the woman was! I nodded and she went out.
+
+On her return an hour or so later she asked, "Is there anything in the
+paper?"
+
+Before answering I examined this question. What did it mean? It did
+not mean, Are the pages this morning absolutely blank, for a change?
+It meant, Is there a good murder? Is any very important person dead?
+In reply I handed the paper to her.
+
+Instead of reading it she began a long account of her morning's
+walk. She told me where she had been; whom she had seen; whom she
+had thought she had seen and then found that it was some one else;
+what somebody had said. Not a syllable mattered, I now realised;
+but yesterday I should have joined in the talk, asked questions,
+encouraged her in her foolishness.
+
+Just before lunch my brother and a guest came into the room and began
+to talk about golf. My brother said that he had been round in 98. This
+was his best since September, when he went round in 97. He described
+his difficulties at the tenth hole.
+
+It all seemed very idiotic to me, for the game was over and done with.
+Why rake it up?
+
+The guest said that he had lost two balls, one of which was expensive.
+His driving had been good, but in the short game he had been weak.
+He could never quite make up his mind whether he putted best with a
+gun-metal putter or a wooden one.
+
+My brother asked me if I remembered that long drive of his two years
+ago?
+
+I nodded.
+
+The nurse came in and told them to go. She then asked me if I was
+hungry.
+
+"Very," I said.
+
+She brought me some beef-tea and calf's-foot-jelly, remarking that
+they were easily taken and "would not hurt my throat."
+
+That was why they were chosen, of course.
+
+In the afternoon I had a visit from my Aunt Lavinia, who sat down with
+the remark that she would tell me all the news.
+
+"You remember Esther?" she began.
+
+Esther is my cousin and we were brought up together. How could I have
+forgotten her?
+
+What she told me about Esther was of no consequence. Then she told me
+how she had nearly lost her luggage at Brighton--she quite thought she
+had lost it, in fact--but, as it happened, it turned up. "And if I had
+lost it," she said, "it would have been dreadful, for I had a number
+of dear Stella's beautiful sketches in one of my trunks. Quite
+irreplaceable. However, it is all right."
+
+Then why tell me?
+
+And so she rattled on.
+
+"You don't say anything," she said at last.
+
+It was true. I had said nothing. I told her what the doctor
+instructed.
+
+"Quite right," she remarked. "I wish other people even in good health
+could have the same prescription."
+
+Just before dinner my brother came in again. "You've had Aunt Lavinia
+here," he said.
+
+I had.
+
+"Getting quite grey, I thought," he said.
+
+I had noticed it too.
+
+He was smoking, and while he was with me he emptied his pipe and
+filled it again. He thought he had knocked the burning ash in the
+grate, but it had fallen in the turn-up of his right trouser-leg.
+
+Should I tell him? I wondered. He would, of course, find it out from
+the smell, but meanwhile the cloth would be burned through.
+
+"Your trouser's burning," I said.
+
+That was the only remark I volunteered all that day; and really,
+except now and then on business, I don't see why one should ever
+talk more.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURLING.
+
+(_THE GAME AND HOW TO PLAY IT, BY A WINTER SPORT._)
+
+Take a piece of ice (you'll want Switzerland for this). Draw two
+circles, one at each end. Draw a line a short distance from each
+circle. The drawing can be done with a pin, pocket-knife, diamond,
+axe, friend's razor or other edged or pointed instrument. I give no
+dimensions because they are dull things and I hate guessing. Talk of
+the circles at each end as "houses" and the lines as "hogs," and you
+are well on the road to become a curler.
+
+Take two narrow pieces of tin with prickly eruptions on one side.
+Place one each end of the ice-patch, prickly side down, and stamp on
+the smooth side. Why these pieces of tin are called "crampits" I can't
+tell you, unless it's just part of the fun.
+
+You now have a prepared patch that can be used for hop-scotch,
+shove-halfpenny, Rugby football or curling. If you have named the
+things as directed you really ought to use it for curling.
+
+We now come to the question of players. This is one of the most
+important parts of the game. Four a side is the almost ideal number,
+but a few more or less do not make any very great difference. But be
+sure to get some Scotchmen. They take the game seriously and do much
+to make the whole affair bright and mirthful. A slight sprinkling of
+Irishmen often serves to bring out more prominently the flavour of the
+Scottish humour.
+
+Don't play for money unless you have the majority of Scotchmen on your
+side.
+
+The game is played with "stones," or, to use their Scotch pseudonym,
+"stanes." To every man two stanes. You can either get your "stanes"
+in England and travel out with them, or hire them in the locality.
+They make the most pleasant travelling companions and at times are
+the cause of many amusing incidents which beguile the tedium of the
+journey. Also they often lead to your picking up chance acquaintances.
+I have known one stone placed in a dimly lighted corridor of a
+train productive of much merriment and harmless banter. Being of
+considerable weight they do not readily respond to a playful kick, but
+having no sharp corners they are seldom responsible for serious injury
+to the kicker.
+
+Every stone, when new, has a handle. Be careful to preserve the handle
+intact on the upper part of the stone. If this adjunct be lost or
+mislaid the stone is less amenable to transit and almost useless for
+its original purpose.
+
+You will also require a long-handled carpet-broom, which you will on
+arrival re-name a "cow." Most dressing-bags constructed for foreign
+travel are now fitted with these useful and picturesque articles.
+The "cow" is used for two purposes. If you are lucky enough to be
+appointed scorer for your side you mark the score on the handle in
+such a way as to be indecipherable by everyone but yourself. This
+prevents disputes with regard to the accuracy of your arithmetic.
+You also use it to sweep the ice in front of a friendly stone which
+appears likely to give up prematurely from exhaustion. Sweeping is
+carried out under the direction of your captain, and the process is
+known in the vernacular as "sooping 'er oop." You are not allowed
+to retard the progress of a stone, friendly or otherwise, by
+intentionally sweeping obstructions into its path. To discard a
+portion of your "cow" in front of a rapidly advancing stone is
+actionable.
+
+Over-enthusiasm in "sooping 'er 'oop" should be avoided. Ice is
+proverbially slippery, and if you fall on to a friendly stone from
+excess of energy or from debility, your side is "huffed" that stone.
+This is a serious matter, and even if you are able to continue the
+game you are looked on with disfavour by your friends.
+
+The object of the game is to get your stone as near as possible to the
+centre of the circle at the other end of the rink. With this object
+you stand on the piece of tin or "crampit" before referred to, grasp
+the stone firmly by the handle and hurl it along the ice. It is almost
+essential to let go the stone at the right moment, otherwise it will
+hurl you. The game is almost identical with the commoner game of
+"bowls," except for the language, which is worse. The term "wood"
+is inappropriate and must be avoided, as the use of it may lay you
+under a charge of ignorance or flippancy, which you will find almost
+impossible to live down.
+
+I will conclude with a few hints to novices. Preserve a cool head
+and steady eye. Whilst you are playing your shot your captain will be
+dancing about in the circle at the other end of the ice. You will find
+it best to disregard his maniacal shoutings and gesticulations. You
+will probably not understand half of them and will not agree with the
+other half. If he should break a blood-vessel do not take any notice
+unless some part of his fallen body is likely to obstruct your stone.
+In this case you are entitled to have him moved.
+
+If, after you have played, cries of "hog" or "wobbler" arise, remember
+that you are engaged in a sport and not in politics and that there
+is nothing really offensive in the terms. Finally, never scoff at the
+language used, and above all remember that what is one man's game may
+be another's religion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIFE'S LITTLE TRAGEDIES.
+
+SHY AND NERVOUS HUSBAND, ABANDONED IN COSTUME DEPARTMENT BY HIS
+WIFE WHO HAS GONE TO THE FITTING-ROOM TO HAVE HER DRESS FITTED, AND
+SURROUNDED BY TALL AND BEAUTEOUS YOUNG LADIES WHOSE ONLY BUSINESS
+SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A WORM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EH, BUT I HAD A RARE TIME LAST YEAR-R. A WAS AT MA
+COUSIN MACWHUSKIE'S A WHOLE FORTNIGHT, AN' A DIDNA ONCE KEN A WAS
+THEER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REVENGE.
+
+(_OR, A HINT TO A HOUSE-AGENT AFTER COMING AWAY FROM HIS OFFICE._)
+
+  Your voice was pleasing and your face was fat;
+    With soap _ad libitum_ you sought to dabble us;
+  But when I told you we must leave the flat
+  Did I not notice; underneath the spat,
+    The bifurcated boot that marks _Diabolus_?
+
+  I know that in a brief while you'll have found
+    The house I wanted (_sic_), superbly roomy,
+  With a fine view and every comfort crowned,
+  A short three minutes from the Underground;
+    Also I know that you are safe to "do" me.
+
+  There will be something wrong; but you shall fill
+    My ears with praises specious and irrelevant
+  Of this and that; and you shall have your will,
+  And heave a deep sigh when I've paid my bill,
+    Having got off at last some rare white elephant.
+
+  And when things happen to "The Yews" or "Planes"
+    Left by the Joneses like a haunt of lazars;
+  When the roof falls, or in the winter rains
+  The dining-room breaks out in sudden blains,
+    And every feast we have recalls BELSHAZZAR's;
+
+  You shall be smiling. But you have not guessed
+    One thing, for all your wisdom, child of Lucifer:
+  You did not know I was a bard, whose breast
+  Could boil with bitter language when oppressed
+    Like a bargee's; if anything, abusiver.
+
+  This is the high reward of sacred song;
+    The minstrels' voices are like falling honey
+  When the gods please them, but when things go wrong
+  They speak their mind out straight, and speak it strong,
+    Especially on points concerned with money.
+
+  So, if you "do me down," I have my lyre,
+    And I shall trumpet (at the normal Press wage)
+  Such things about that house, and with such fire,
+  That all men ever after shall conspire
+    To shun the said demesne and curse that messuage.
+
+  And spiders on the broken panes shall sit,
+    And the grey rats shall scuttle in the basement,
+  Until the Borough Council purchase it
+  And cleanse and decorate, and lastly fit
+    A fair blue _plaque_ above the study casement,
+
+  Saying, "Here lived a while and wove his spell,
+    Eusebius Binks the bard, the unforgotten;
+  The house is mentioned in his 'Lines to Hell,'
+  Also the agents, Messrs. Azazel,
+    And the then drains which, so he sang, were rotten."
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily Telegraph_ says of the Portsmouth Corporation telephone
+system:--
+
+    "At present there are 1,899 subscribers and 2,528 distinct
+    telephones."
+
+Why doesn't the Post Office experiment with this new sort of
+telephone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "Yet it is necessary to state emphatically, although no representative
+  of a daily newspaper seems to have been under this impression, that not
+  for twenty years have I been so bored."
+
+  _C.K.S. in "The Sphere," on the 'Edwin Drood' trial_.
+
+But how are the poor reporters to know so much about C.K.S. as that?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COULEUR D'ORANGE.
+
+MR. ASQUITH (_on the Riviera_). "LUCKY FOR ME THERE AREN'T ANY
+'CONVERSATIONS' HERE--I MIGHT AGREE TO ALMOST ANYTHING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POST OFFICE AGAIN.
+
+DEAR UNCLE,--Its your birthday to-day. I sent you some nice pairs of
+hankerchifs because its your birthday. They for your nose. Its funny
+our birthdays being so close. And now no more from your loving neice
+
+NANCY.
+
+MY DEAR NANCY,--Thank you very much indeed for the nice
+pocket-handkerchiefs. I am very pleased with them. Nobody has ever
+troubled to give me handkerchiefs before with pretty flowers worked in
+the corners. I have been wearing them to-day, or rather one of them.
+They are so nice that I really meant to have kept them specially for
+parties and things like that, but, as I was obliged to leave home in
+a great hurry this morning, and someone had hidden my everyday
+handkerchiefs, I took one of yours.
+
+Such a funny thing has happened. I sent you for your birthday a pretty
+card with birds on it, and somehow or other it got taken in quite a
+different direction, and was returned to me this morning by--whom do
+you think? Auntie Maud, all the way away in Ireland. But we mustn't
+blame the Postmaster-General without being absolutely sure of
+ourselves. It is very difficult in mysterious cases like this to be
+absolutely sure. Didn't you get my parcel? I sent it off at the same
+time as I sent the card, and I haven't had the parcel back. I wonder
+where it is. It looks as though things were going on that you and I
+know nothing about. I shall be very angry with him if he has forgotten
+to give you your parcel.
+
+Hoping you are quite well, thank you, Your loving
+
+UNCLE HENRY.
+
+DEAR UNCLE,--Thank you for your pretty card for my birthday. I didn't
+got your parsel. Its very naughty of him when its my birthday. I hop
+youll be very very angry with him because its my birthday and I didnt
+get your parsel. And now no more from your loving neice
+
+NANCY.
+
+_The Postmaster-General_.
+
+SIR,--On Tuesday last I despatched by book-post a parcel from the
+South-Western District Office. It is now Friday, and the parcel
+has not been delivered. I should esteem it a favour if you would
+kindly give the Official Handicapper for the District in question
+instructions to allow my parcel to start forthwith. Yours faithfully,
+
+HY. FRESHFIELD.
+
+_The Postmaster-General_.
+
+SIR,--In reply to your enquiry as to the nature of the parcel, I beg
+to inform you that it was oblong in shape and done up in brown paper
+and tied securely with string. To assist you still further in the
+task of identification, I may mention that it is addressed to Miss
+Nancy Freshfield, c/o F.E.L. Freshfield, Esq., 47, Ottalie Gardens,
+Westminster, S.W.
+
+Trusting that nothing serious has occurred to disqualify my parcel,
+Yours faithfully, HY. FRESHFIELD.
+
+DEAR UNCLE,--I thought it was such a long time my parsel didnt come I
+would write to you dear Uncle. I hop you were very angry with him. And
+now no more
+
+from your loving neice NANCY.
+
+DEAR SIR,--I am directed by the Postmaster-General to inform you that
+your parcel has now been traced.
+
+The name of the addressee was correctly stated by you, but you omitted
+to append such further instructions for the guidance of the Post
+Office as to indicate the destination to which you desired it to go.
+I have the pleasure to add that the fuller information has been copied
+in from your letter, and the parcel despatched....
+
+DEAR NANCY,--By the same post that brought me your letter I heard from
+our absent-minded friend, the Postmaster-General. You will be pained
+to learn that he is even more absent-minded than we thought he was.
+Although, when I handed him your parcel, I distinctly told him it
+was going to Westminster, the moment my back is turned he must needs
+forget all about it.
+
+I feel really rather sorry for him, and I don't think we ought to be
+angry any more. He can't possibly forget now, because I have written
+the address down for him. Your loving
+
+UNCLE HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT TO DO WITH OUR FAT MEN; OR, EVERY LITTLE HELPS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CABINET CRISIS.
+
+It had to be faced at last. There is a demand for them occasionally,
+and people won't put up with that excellent one taken under the
+crab-apple tree any longer.
+
+I was caught just right there. The sun was in an indulgent mood and
+winked at the signs of advancing age. The bald patch was out of sight,
+and the smile would have softened the heart of an income-tax assessor.
+I acquired the negative from the amateur performer, and had it
+vignetted, which made it better still, as there was a space between
+the cashmere sock and the spring trousering in the original that I did
+not want attention drawn to. I had a large number of prints made, and
+dealt them out to anybody who asked for a photograph of me. At first
+they aroused considerable enthusiasm, but after five or six years a
+look of doubt began to appear on the faces of the recipients. Hadn't I
+got a later one? This was very nice, but--I pointed out that I hadn't
+changed at all, or only a very little. At my best I was still like
+that; and didn't they want me at my best?
+
+At last a person described by himself as plain-spoken, and by other
+people as offensively rude, said that I had never really been as
+good-looking as that, with all possible allowances made, and any way
+he wanted a photograph and not a memorial card. I took a firm stand,
+and said that if he wasn't satisfied with that one he could go without
+altogether, and he said in the most insulting way that he supposed he
+should be himself again in time if he took a tonic.
+
+A few more episodes of that sort eventually drove me to it. I passed
+my _viva-voce_ examination at the hands of the young lady at the desk,
+paid my fees, got my testamur, and was shown into the torture-chamber,
+where the head executioner was busy adjusting his racks and screws.
+
+I was rather taken with the rustic seat that was standing on a white
+fur mat in front of a scene representing the Jungfrau, but he headed
+me off it. If I liked the Jungfrau as a background I could have
+it, but not with the seat; that was for engaged couples only. He
+recommended a pair of skis, or a bobsleigh; he could put a fine fall
+of snow into the negative. But as I had arrayed myself in a black
+coat, with one of those white waistcoat slips, and a flowing tie with
+a pearl pin, I refused this offer, and we decided we wouldn't have a
+background at all.
+
+As the man who administered the laughing gas was out at lunch, I
+prepared to go through with it in cold blood, and seated myself in the
+operating chair in the most natural attitude I could assume--something
+like the one I had taken under the crab-tree. I thought I would show
+them that there wasn't so much difference after all. But it did not
+suit the head mechanic at all. He looked at me with his head on one
+side, and then took hold of mine by the chin and the hair and gave it
+a twist. I had never worn it at that angle in my life, and I knew it
+would put my collar all wrong; but I had to do what he told me. He
+arranged my coat so that it should look as if it had been made to
+fit somebody else, and disposed my arms in such a way as to give the
+sleeves the appearance of trouser legs with rucks in them. I felt
+almost more sorry for my tailor than for myself, but I shall send him
+one of the prints when I get them; it will be good for him.
+
+We were now ready to tackle the expression. I had chosen one that
+would have been suitable for a man with a fair No Trump hand, but
+with one suit not fully guarded, as I didn't want to overdo it; but,
+judging from the inquisitor's remarks about the graveside, I am quite
+ready to admit that it might not have come out like that. I hastily
+dealt myself a hundred aces and a long suit of clubs, and he said
+that that was better, but I must put off the idea of the funeral
+altogether. It was not until I had assumed the appearance of a
+reach-me-down Nut with a dislocated neck, being made love to by
+six chorus-girls at once, that he condescended to take a look at
+me through the peephole. Then he ran up to me, gave my chin another
+hitch, pulled my neck another foot or two out of my collar, added a
+ruck or two to my sleeves, and said he liked the other side of my face
+better, after all.
+
+So we went through it all again, and I worked at it with a will, for I
+wanted to see him get under his black cloth and finish the business.
+
+It wasn't as bad as I had thought, but he was not done by any means
+when he had fired his first shot. He rammed more cartridges into the
+breach, and twisted me into three fresh contortions. He said he was
+sure that some of the efforts would turn out magnificently.
+
+I don't feel quite the same confidence myself. I am anxiously
+awaiting the result, and trying to get rid of the crick in my neck
+and to unbuckle the smile in the meantime. If it doesn't turn out
+satisfactorily, I shall get a few lines--not too deep--put into the
+negative of the one taken under the crab-tree, and a little hair
+painted out--but not too much.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WORK! I'M NOT AFRAID O' WORK, BUT I CAN'T GET ANY IN
+MY LINE."
+
+"WHAT IS YOUR LINE?"
+
+"I USED TO BE A STOCKBROKER, LIDY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lemnos and Samothrace are to pass to Greece, and Chios and
+    Wtlylene are to be neutralised."--_Daily Citizen_.
+
+We shall remain anxious until the last-named is sterilized.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAGEDY OF MIDDLE AGE.
+
+  When I was a mid-Victorian nut
+    With a delicate taste in ties,
+  A highly elegant figure I cut,
+    At least in my own fond eyes,
+  And used to regard unwaxed moustaches
+  As one of the worst of social laches.
+
+  But now I find in my youngest son
+    The sternest of autocrats.
+  He tells me the things that must be done
+    And orders my collars and spats;
+  Prescribes mild exercise on the links
+  And advises me on the choice of drinks.
+
+  I've faithfully striven to imitate
+    My Mentor in dress and diction,
+  And loyally laboured to cultivate
+    A taste for the latest fiction;
+  Though I still read DICKENS upon the sly,
+  And even SCOTT, when nobody's by.
+
+  It's true I've managed to draw the line
+    At going to tango teas,
+  For, after all, I am fifty-nine
+    And a trifle stiff in the knees;
+  But I've had to give up billiards for "slosh,"
+  And pay laborious homage to "squash."
+
+  Long since my whiskers I had to shave
+    To please this young barbarian,
+  But still for a while I stealthily clave
+    To the use of Pommade Hungarian;
+  But now my tyrant has made me snip
+  The glory and pride of my upper lip.
+
+  "My dear old man," he recently said,
+    "If you go on waxing the ends,
+  You're bound to be cut, direct and dead,
+    By all of my nuttiest friends.
+  For it's only done, so _The Mail_ discovers,
+  By Labour leaders and taxi-shovers."
+
+  So the deed was done, but whenever I gaze
+    On my face in the glass I moan
+  As I think of the mid-Victorian days
+    When my upper lip was my own.
+  For now, of length and of breadth bereft,
+  The ghost of a tooth-brush is all that's left.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MISSING NAVY PAYMASTER ARRESTED."
+
+    _"Evening Standard" Poster._
+
+So that's where it was all the time!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Under-sheriff said ... rumours against a man's
+    character were like a rolling stone, gathering moss as it
+    went."--_Western Mail_.
+
+"As fond of the fire as a burnt child," is another of the Under
+Sheriff's favourite sayings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Indulgent Householder_. "WHY ARE YOU SINGING CAROLS,
+MY LITTLE MAN? DON'T YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER?"
+
+_Youthful Caroller_. "YES, SIR; BUT I 'AD MEASLES ALL FROO
+CHRISTMAS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+GLAMOUR.
+
+Once upon a time there was a peer who knew the frailty of unennobled
+man.
+
+Having occasion to entertain at dinner a number of useful follows, he
+instructed his butler to transfer the labels from a number of empty
+bottles of champagne to an equal number of magnums of dry ginger-ale,
+at ten shillings the dozen, and these were placed on the table.
+
+At the beginning of the repast his lordship casually drew attention
+to the wine which he was giving his guests, and asked for their candid
+opinion of it, as he was aware that they were all good judges, who
+knew a good thing when they saw it, and he would value their opinion.
+
+And they one and all said it was an excellent champagne, and two or
+three made a note of it in their pocket-books. And such was their
+loyal enthusiasm that the banquet ended in a fine glow of something
+exactly like hilarity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"MARY-GIRL."
+
+"I'm not going to give up my daily bath!" In these pregnant and moving
+words rang the _cri de coeur_ which was to precipitate the tragedy of
+_Mary Sheppard_. To you the attitude of mind which provoked this cry
+may seem as natural as it was sanitary. But you must understand that
+it ran directly counter to _Ezra Sheppard's_ ideal of the simple
+God-fearing life. Godliness with him came first, and cleanliness
+followed where it could. In his view a tub once a week was all that
+any sane person should need. Apart from this hebdomadal use its proper
+function was to hold dirty dishes and soiled clothes for the washing.
+And indeed this had at one time been _Mary's_ own view (though
+tempered by vague aspirations towards a softer existence, as we might
+have guessed from the elegance of her brown shoes) before a year of
+the higher life had shaken her content. Let us go back.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. MCKINNEL (_Ezra Sheppard_) to Miss MAY BLAYNEY
+(_Mary Sheppard_). "You've been lying again! You know how I hate it--I
+told you so in this very theatre when we were playing in _Between
+Sunset and Dawn_."]
+
+_Ezra Sheppard_ was by profession a market-gardener, and his favourite
+recreation was preaching in a barn. We have the picture of a frugal
+but happy interior, with a new-born infant (_off_). The trouble began
+with an offer made to his wife of a situation as foster-mother to
+the baby (also _off_) of a neighbouring Countess. The wages were to
+be high and she was to be delicately entreated; but there were hard
+conditions. She was not to hold communication with her husband or
+child for twelve months. I am sorry to say that _Mary_ did not flinch
+from these conditions quite so much as I could have hoped. _Ezra_,
+however, rejected them for her with manly scorn, until he was reminded
+that the high wages would speed the end of his own ambitions--namely,
+to replace his barn with a conventicle of brick. So he let his wife
+loose into Eden with the Serpent.
+
+And now we see _Mary_ seated in the lap of luxury, with soft gowns to
+wear, and peaches to eat and instant slaves at her beck. You will, of
+course, expect her virtue to fall an easy prey; but you will be wrong.
+The Earl's attitude is pleasantly parental, and the attentions of
+the Countess's cavalier--an author--are confined to the extraction
+of copy. And anyhow _Mary's_ instincts are sound. Now and again she
+remembers to pity the loneliness of her husband, whose cottage light
+she can see from the window of her bower; and once, by a ruse, she
+gets him to break the conditions and visit her; but when he learns
+that the invitation came from her, and not, as alleged, from the
+Countess, his conscience will not permit him to take advantage of his
+chance. So you have the unusual spectacle of a true and loving wife
+pleading in vain for the embraces of her true and loving husband.
+
+But if her virtue, in the technical sense, remained intact, the
+Serpent had overfed her with _pommes de luxe_. On her return
+home--where the restoration of her child might have helped matters,
+but it doesn't know who she is and refuses to part from its
+foster-mother--we find her lethargic, off her feed, indifferent to the
+claims of menial toil, and clamorous (as I have shown) for her rights
+of the daily bath.
+
+In the first joy of conjugal reunion _Ezra_ consents to tolerate the
+discomfort of this change, but in the end he loses patience and hits
+her. She leaves for London the same afternoon.
+
+Six black months pass over the husband's bowed head, and then, on a
+very windy night (the wind was well done), she makes a re-entry, and
+confesses that, under stress of need, she has lapsed from virtue. This
+is bad news for _Ezra_, but he is prepared to forgive a fault in which
+he himself has had a fair share. Only there must be a sacrifice of
+something, if moral justice is to be appeased. So he chooses between
+his wife and his chapel and does execution on the latter. He goes
+out into the storm and sets the thing alight. His conscience is thus
+purified by fire, the gale being favourable to arson.
+
+It is a pity that so excellent an object as a brick chapel should be
+the evil genius of the play. Yet so it is. Built of the materials of
+Scandinavian drama, it is always just round the corner, heavy with
+doom. We never see it, but we hear more than enough about it, and in
+the end it becomes a bore which we are well rid of.
+
+The theme of the perils of foster-motherhood is not new, but Mrs.
+MERRICK has treated it freshly and with a very decent avoidance of its
+strictly sexual aspects. But her methods are too sedentary. She kept
+on with her atmosphere long after we knew the details of the cottage
+interior by heart; while a whole volume of active tragedy--_Mary's_
+six months in London--was left to our fevered imagination. And the
+sense of reality which she was at such pains to create was spoiled by
+dialogue freely carried on in the immediate vicinity of persons who
+were not supposed to overhear it.
+
+The chief attraction of _Mary-Girl_ (a silly title) was the engaging
+personality of Miss MAY BLAYNEY. Always a fascinating figure to watch,
+she showed an extraordinary sensitiveness of voice and expression.
+As for that honest and admirable actor, Mr. MCKINNEL, who made the
+perfect foil to her charms that every good husband should wish to
+be, he seems never to tire of playing these stern, dour, semi-brutal
+parts. That more genial characters are open to him his success in
+_Great Catherine_ showed. Miss MARY BROUGH, as a charwoman, supplied a
+rare need with her richly-flavoured humour and its clipped sentences.
+All the rest did themselves justice. Miss HELEN FERRERS was a shade
+more aristocratic than the aristocrat of stage tradition; and it
+was not the fault of Miss DOROTHY FANE (as her daughter, _Lady
+Folkington_) that she was required to behave incredibly in the
+presence of her inferiors. I have not much to say for the manners
+of Society in its own circles; but it is probably at its best in its
+intercourse with humbler neighbours. Mrs. MERRICK's picture of the
+_Countess_ on a visit to the _Sheppards'_ cottage might have been
+designed for a poster of the Land Campaign.
+
+There was no dissenting note, I am glad to say, in the reception of
+Mrs. MERRICK's charming self when she appeared after the fall of the
+curtain.
+
+"A pretty authoress!" said an actress in the stalls.
+
+"Is that your comment on the play?" I asked.
+
+"Yes!" she said.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Her Majesty was accompanied by Princess Henry and
+    John."--_Liverpool Echo_.
+
+Where was Lord SAYE AND SELE?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "COME, COME, SIR! THAT'S THE HORSE WE KEEP FOR QUITE
+YOUNG CHILDREN! HE WANTS TO _PLAY_ WITH YOU, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST STRAW.
+
+  I sing the sofa! It had stood for years,
+    An invitation to benign repose,
+  A foe to all the fretful brood of fears,
+    Bidding the weary eye-lid sink and close.
+  Massive and deep and broad it was and bland--
+  In short the noblest sofa in the land.
+
+  You, too, my friend, my solid friend, I sing,
+    Whom on an afternoon I did behold
+  Eying--'twas after lunch--the cushioned thing,
+    And murmuring gently, "Here are realms of gold,
+  And I shall visit them," you said, "and be
+  The sofa's burden till it's time for tea."
+
+  "Let those who will go forth," you said, "and dare,
+    Beyond the cluster of the little shops,
+  To strain their limbs and take the eager air,
+    Seeking the heights of Hedsor and its copse.
+  I shall abide and watch the far-off gleams
+  Of fairy beacons from the world of dreams."
+
+  Then forth we fared, and you, no doubt, lay down,
+    An easy victim to the sofa's charms,
+  Forgetting hopes of fame and past renown,
+    Lapped in those padded and alluring arms.
+  "How well," you said, and veiled your heavy eyes,
+  "It slopes to suit me! This is Paradise."
+
+  So we adventured to the topmost hill,
+    And, when the sunset shot the sky with red,
+  Homeward returned and found you taking still
+    Deep draughts of peace with pillows 'neath your head.
+  "His sleep," said one, "has been unduly long."
+  Another said, "Let's bring and beat the gong."
+
+  "Gongs," said a third and gazed with looks intent
+    At the full sofa, "are not adequate.
+  There fits some dread, some heavy, punishment
+    For one who sleeps with such a dreadful weight.
+  Behold with me," he moaned, "a scene accurst.
+  The springs are broken and the sofa's burst!"
+
+  Too true! Too true! Beneath you on the floor
+    Lay blent in ruin all the obscure things
+  That were the sofa's strength, a scattered store
+    Of tacks and battens and protruded springs.
+  Through the rent ticking they had all been spilt,
+  Mute proofs and mournful of your weight and guilt.
+
+  And you? You slept as sweetly as a child,
+    And when you woke you recked not of your shame,
+  But babbled greetings, stretched yourself and smiled
+    From that eviscerated sofa's frame,
+  Which, flawless erst, was now one mighty flaw
+  Through the addition of yourself as straw.
+
+  R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A really acceptable present for a lady is a nice piece
+    of artificial hair, as, when not absolutely necessary, it
+    is always useful and ornamental."--_Advt. in "Aberdeen
+    Free Press."_
+
+Still, it might be misunderstood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Theologians and mystics might say, 'Is that not mere
+    anthropomrhpism?'"--_Mr. BALFOUR according to "The Daily
+    Mail."_
+
+But a Welshman would say it best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An aggressive minority succeeded in showing that the
+    Little Navy-ites do not represent the bulk of public
+    opinion."--_Daily Express_.
+
+It is, of course, always the aggressive minority which really
+represents the bulk of public opinion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BYGONE.
+
+When I see the white-haired and venerable Thompson standing behind my
+equally white-haired but much less venerable father at dinner, exuding
+an atmosphere of worth and uprightness and checking by his mere silent
+presence the more flippant tendencies of our conversation; when I hear
+him whisper into my youthful son's ear, "Sherry, Sir?" in the voice of
+a tolerant teetotaler who would not force his principles upon any man
+but hopes sincerely that this one will say No; and when I am informed
+that he promised our bootboy a rapid and inevitable descent to a state
+of infamy and destitution upon discovering no more than the fag end of
+a cigarette behind his ear, then I am tempted to recall an incident of
+fifteen years back, lest it be forgotten that Thompson is a man like
+ourselves who has known, and even owned, a human weakness.
+
+Dinner had begun on that eventful evening at 7.30 P.M., and it was
+drawing within sight of a conclusion, that is, the sweet had been
+eaten and the savoury was overdue, at 9.45 P.M. Four of us had trailed
+thus far through this critical meal: my father, a usually patient
+widower who was becoming more than restless; the Robinsons, never a
+jocund brace of guests, who were by now positively sullen, and myself
+who, being but a boy--of twenty odd years and having little enough to
+say to a woman of fifty-five and her still more antique husband, had
+long ago settled down to a determined silence. Meanwhile Thompson,
+then in his first year of service with us, tarried mysteriously heaven
+knows where.
+
+The intervals of preparation before each course had been growing
+longer and longer and the pause before the savoury threatened to be
+infinite. My father commanded me to ring the bell severely. Longing to
+escape from the table I did so with emphasis, and my ring summoned (to
+our surprise, for we were not aware of her existence in the house) a
+slightly soiled kitchen-maid.
+
+"Where is Thompson?" asked my father sternly.
+
+"At the telephone, Sir," stammered the maid.
+
+"The telephone!" cried my father. "Whatever is the matter?"
+
+The maid started to mumble an explanation, burst into tears and fled
+in alarm, never again to emerge from the back regions. My father
+commanded me to the bell again, but as I rose Thompson entered. He was
+even then a stately and dignified person, and it was with a measured
+tread and slow that he advanced upon my father.
+
+"Will you please serve the savoury at once?" said my father.
+
+"I am afraid it cannot be done, Sir," said Thompson. "May I explain,
+Sir?"
+
+"What is the meaning of this?" asked my father, fearing some terrible
+disaster below stairs, and sacrificing politeness to his guests with
+the hope of saving lives in the kitchen.
+
+Thompson cleared his throat.--"For some weeks, Sir," he said, "I have
+been much worried with financial affairs. Like a fool I have invested
+all my savings in speculative shares, and the variations of the market
+have unduly depressed me. When I am depressed I take no food, and that
+depresses me even more."
+
+You will be as surprised as we were that this was allowed to continue,
+but when a man of so few words as Thompson chooses to come out of
+his shell he is always master of the situation. "And so, Sir," he
+continued, "I have taken the liberty of telephoning to the mews for
+a cab."
+
+He paused and bowed, as if this made it all clear, and was about
+to withdraw. "Kindly finish serving dinner at once, and don't be
+impudent," my father got out at last.
+
+Thompson sighed. "It is absolutely out of the question, Sir," said he.
+"Quite, quite impossible."
+
+"Why on earth?" cried my father.
+
+Thompson became, if possible, more solemn and deliberate than before.
+"I am drunk, Sir," said he.
+
+At this point Mrs. Robinson, whose indignation had slowly been
+swelling within her, rose and left the room. Robinson, as in duty
+bound, followed. Neither of them, to my infinite joy, has ever
+returned...
+
+"Depressed by want of food, Sir," continued Thompson, by sheer duress
+preventing my father from following his guests and attempting to
+pacify them, "I have taken to spirits. I do not like the taste of
+spirits and they go at once to my head. They depress me further, Sir,
+but they intoxicate me. Yes, I am undoubtedly tipsy."
+
+My father seized the opportunity of his pause for reflection to order
+him to leave the room and present himself in the morning when he was
+sober.
+
+"You dismiss us without notice, Sir," he stated, referring to himself
+and his wife in the kitchen. "First thing in the morning we go. And so
+I have ordered the cab to take us."
+
+This was a very proper fate for Thompson but came a little hard on my
+father. "But what am _I_ to do?" asked he.
+
+Thompson regarded him with a desultory smile. "The Mews desires to
+know, Sir," said he, "who will pay for the cab?"
+
+I ought to be able to state that there followed with the cold light
+of day an apology, with passionate tears and remorse, from Thompson,
+or at least a severe reprimand from my father before he consented to
+keep him on. I regret to say that my father, next morning, postponed
+the interview till the evening, and from the evening till the next
+morning, and--that interview is still pending. If this seems weak, you
+have only to see Thompson to realize that no man with any sense of the
+incongruous could even mention the word "Drink" in his presence.
+
+As for the cab which Thompson had ordered, though we never saw it we
+later heard all about it. It went to the wrong house because, as the
+proprietor of the mews informed us with shame and regret, the driver
+entrusted with the order had been very much under the influence of
+alcohol. Altogether it is a sordid tale, made no better by the fact
+that the house which the drunken driver chose to go to and insult was
+the Robinsons'...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE AT THE CINEMA.
+
+  Inert I watched the Hero sacked
+    For lapses clearly not his own;
+      The midnight murder on the cliff,
+      The wonted ante-nuptial tiff,
+      The orange-blossoms, bored me stiff.
+  The picture-hall was simply packed,
+    But I was all alone.
+
+  Alone! Two little hours could span
+    The gloom that bound me stark and grim
+      (No melancholy pierced me through
+      Before the 7.32
+      Had ravished Barbara from view),
+  And yet I brooked it like a man
+    Until I noticed HIM.
+
+  He sat extravagantly near
+    His Heart's Delight. To my distress,
+      When temporary twilight fell,
+      He squeezed her hand (and squeezed it well!),
+      Possessed her waist, and in that shell,
+  That damask shell she calls an ear,
+    Breathed words of tenderness.
+
+  The blood ran riot to my head
+    And still I held my madness thrall,
+      My lips repressed the frenzied shriek,
+      My straining heart was stout as teak;
+      But, when he kissed her mantling cheek,
+  I broke--and two attendants led
+    Me wailing from the hall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LOST CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
+
+_Maid_ (_to postman delivering long-delayed parcel_). "WHAT IS IT?"
+
+_Postman_. "LABEL SAYS, 'WILD DUCKS,' BUT THEY'RE 'UMMING-BIRDS NOW".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+There is at least one thing that will surprise you about _It Happened
+in Egypt_ (METHUEN), and that is that, although C.N. and A.M.
+WILLIAMSON are the writers, motor-cars are hardly so much as mentioned
+throughout. It is a tale of the Nile and the Desert, of camels and
+caravans, told with a quite extraordinary power of making you feel
+that you have visited the scenes described. But this, of course,
+if you have any previous experience of the WILLIAMSON method, will
+not surprise you at all. As for the story that strings the scenes
+together, though it promised well, with almost every possible element
+of fictional excitement--buried treasure, and spies, and abductions,
+and secrets--somehow the result was not wholly up to the expectation
+thus created. To borrow an appropriate simile, the great thrill
+remained something of a mirage, always in sight and never actually
+reached. Also I wish to record my passionate protest against stories
+of treasure-trove in which the treasure is not taken away in sacks and
+used to enrich the hunters; I am all against leaving it underground,
+for whatever charming and romantic reasons. No, it is not so much as
+a novel of adventure that might have happened pretty well anywhere
+that I advise you to read this book, but as a super-guide to scenes
+and sensations that happen in Egypt and nowhere else. From the moment
+when, as one of the WILLIAMSON party, you sit down to breakfast on the
+terrace of Shepherd's, till you take leave of your fellow-travellers
+in the mountain-tomb of QUEEN CANDACE, you will enjoy the nearest
+possible approach to a luxurious Egyptian tour, under delightful
+guidance, and at an inclusive fare of six shillings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. SETON GORDON is a bold man. It is one thing to call a book
+_The Charm of the Hills_ (CASSELL) and quite another to succeed in
+conveying that charm through the medium of the printed word. Perhaps,
+however, he was encouraged by the success that has already attended
+these pen-pictures of Highland scenes in serial form; certainly he
+knew also that he had another source of strength in a collection of
+the most fascinating photographs of mountain scenery and wild life,
+nearly a hundred of which are reproduced in the present volume. So
+that what Mr. GORDON the writer fails to convey about his favourite
+haunts (which is not much) Mr. GORDON the photographer is ready
+to supply. The papers, which range in subject from ptarmigan to
+cairngorms, are written with an engaging simplicity and directness,
+and show a sympathetic knowledge of wild nature such as is the
+reward only of long familiarity. The glorious mountain wind
+blows through them all, so that as you read you feel the heather
+brushing your knees, and see the clouds massing on the peaks of
+Ben-something-or-other. Perhaps Mr. GORDON is at his most interesting
+on the subject of the Golden Eagle. There are many striking snapshots
+of the king of birds in his royal home; and some stories of court
+life in an eyrie that are fresh and enthralling. One thing that I was
+specially glad to learn on so good authority is that the Golden Eagle,
+so far from being threatened with extinction, is actually increasing
+in the deer forests of the North. This is intelligence as welcome as
+it is nowadays unusual. The book, which is published at 10s. 6d. net,
+is dedicated "to one who loves the glens and corries of the hills";
+and all who answer to this description should be grateful to the
+writer for his delightful record.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Goodness knows that of all London's teeming millions I am the
+possessor of the most easily curdled blood, but my flesh declined
+to creep an inch from the first page to the last of _Animal Ghosts_
+(RIDER). I think it was Mr. ELLIOTT O'DONNELL's way of telling
+his stories that was responsible for my indifference. He is so
+incorrigibly reticent. His idea of a well-told ghost story runs on
+these lines:--"In the year 189--, in the picturesque village of
+C----, hard by the manufacturing town of L----, there lived a wealthy
+gentleman named T---- with his cousin F---- and two friends M----
+and R----." I simply refuse to take any interest in the spectres of
+initials, still less in the spectres of the domestic pets of initials.
+I am no bigot; by all means deny your ghost his prerogative of
+clanking chains and rattling bones; but there are certain points on
+which I do take a firm stand, and this matter of initials is one of
+them. Not one of these stories is convincing. Mr. O'DONNELL taps
+you on the chest and whispers hoarsely, "As I stood there my blood
+congealed, I could scarcely breathe. My scalp bristled;" and you,
+if you are like me, hide a yawn and say, "No, really?" There is a
+breezy carelessness, too, about his methods which kills a story. He
+distinctly states, for instance, that the story of the "Headless Cat
+of No. ----, Lower Seedley Street, Manchester," was told to him by a
+Mr. ROBERT DANE. In the first half of the narrative this gentleman's
+brother-in-law addresses him as _Jack_, and later on his wife says to
+him, "Oh, _Edward_." What a man whose own Christian name is so much a
+matter of opinion has to say about seeing headless cats does not seem
+to me to be evidence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There seems to be an increasing public for the volume of reflections.
+At all events Mr. REGINALD LUCAS, who has already two or three
+successes in this kind to his credit, has been encouraged to produce
+another, to which he has given the pleasant title of _The Measure of
+our Thoughts_ (HUMPHREYS). It is, of course, difficult to be critical
+with a book like this; either it pleases the reader or it doesn't, and
+that is about all that can be said. One reason for my belief that Mr.
+LUCAS's _Thoughts_ will please is that he has put them into the brain
+of a definitely conceived and very well drawn character. They are told
+in the form of letters by this character to his old tutor. The writer
+is supposed to be the rather unattractive and self-conscious eldest
+son of a noble house, who suffers from the presence of a father and
+sister who think him a fool, and a brother whose charm is a continual
+and painful contrast to his own lack of it. The special skill of the
+letters is their self-revelation, which brings out the pathos of the
+writer's position, while at the same time showing quite clearly the
+defects that explained it. Mr. LUCAS, in short, does not commit the
+error of making his hero merely a mute, misunderstood paragon, whom
+anyone with common penetration must have recognised as such. On the
+contrary, we sympathise with him, especially in the big tragedy of
+his life, while quite admitting that to any casual acquaintance he
+must have appeared only a dull and uninteresting egoist. This I call
+clever, because it shows that Mr. LUCAS has created a real thinker,
+rather than striven to give him any unusual profundity of thought. An
+agreeable book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the sixteenth chapter of the First Part of _The Rocks of Valpre_
+(FISHER UNWIN) _Trevor Mordaunt_ married _Christine Wyndham_, and on
+the last page (which is the 511th) of the book, "she opened to him the
+doors of her soul, and drew him within...." Granted that _Mordaunt_,
+with the eyes of steel, was not exactly an oncoming man and that when
+he married _Christine_ he received, as wedding presents, two or three
+brothers-in-law who sponged hopelessly upon him, I still think that
+Miss ETHEL DELL has given us too detailed an account of the domestic
+differences between _Mordaunt_ and his wife. For my own part I became
+frankly tired of the pecuniary crises of the _Wyndhams_ and of their
+incurable inability to tell the truth. Had _Mordaunt_ got up and given
+these feckless brethren a sound hiding I should have been relieved,
+but he preferred to make them squirm by using his steely eyes. In
+the future I suggest to Miss DELL that she should leave these strong
+silent men alone. They have had their day and gone out of vogue. The
+best part of this book, and indeed the best work Miss DELL has yet
+done, is her treatment of the romantic friendship between _Christine_
+and _Bertrand de Montville_. It is handled so touchingly and so
+surely that I resent with all the more peevishness the banality of the
+steel-eyed one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONE OF THE FEW HISTORIC MANSIONS OF ENGLAND WHERE QUEEN
+ELIZABETH DID _NOT_ SLEEP.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His lordship dismissed the application, with costs, and the
+    jury found in his favour, assessing the damages at L1,000."
+
+We should like to be a Judge. It seems to be easy and well-paid work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the synopsis of a Singapore play--just the last scene or two:--
+
+    "Samion, after going through Nyai Dasima's fortune,
+    maltreated her, and told her to leave his protection. He also
+    commissioned a wicked man called Puasa to murder Nyai Dasima.
+    Puasa murdered Dasima, and throw her body into a river. The
+    corpse of Dasima floated and entangled in the bathing-place
+    of William. William, seeing this, at once reported to the
+    Police of Dasima's death. Puasa and others were arrested and
+    imprisoned. The Judge investigated the case, and Puasa was
+    sentenced to be hanged. Samion got mad and died. Mah Buyong
+    also got mad."
+
+And so home to bed.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+146., January 21, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146 ***
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