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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:01 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:01 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12465-0.txt b/12465-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..29df6a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1886 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12465 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 21, 1914. + + + + +[Illustration: "NOT VERY SPORTING LINKS, ARE THEY?" + +EVEN EARTHQUAKES HAVE THEIR USE. + +"AH, THAT'LL MAKE BETTER GOLF."] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +MAJOR-GENERAL LEONARD WOOD, chief of the U.S.A. General Staff, has +reported that the American Army is, practically speaking, unarmed, +and advises the immediate expenditure of £1,200,000 for artillery and +ammunition. We fancy, however, that the present state of affairs is +the result of a compromise with the American Peace party, who will not +object to their country having an army so long as it is unarmed. + + *** + +"VICTORY FOR THE ORANGE WOMEN. + +DRURY LANE INSTITUTION TO CONTINUE." + +This should put heart into the Orange Men of Ulster. + + *** + +We hear that, to celebrate the recent glorious victory in Alsace, the +little town of Zabern is to be re-named Säbeln. + + *** + +The Rev. N. FITZPATRICK, describing a visit to the Balkan States in +a lecture at the Camera Club, spoke of the difficulties he had with +his laundry. The same bundle of clothes was soaked in Roumania, +rough-dried in Bulgaria, and ironed in Servia. We are astonished +that the lecturer should have made no mention of mangling, which we +understand is done well in the Balkan States. + + *** + +The KAISER, we are told, has given instructions that his _menus_ are +in future to be written in German. What, by the way, _is_ the French +for _Sauerkraut_? + + *** + +Mr. ARCHIBALD, a member of the Australian House of Representatives, +has calculated that the value of the property of the five million +inhabitants of the Commonwealth is £780,000,000. We cannot but think +it is a mistake to divulge the fact with so many dishonest people +about. + + *** + +_I do like your eyes_ is the latest bright thought for a Revue title. +To be followed, no doubt, by _Her nose isn't bad, is it?_ and _What's +wrong with her toes?_ + + *** + +"FRENCH BATTLESHIP DROPPED." + +_Pall Mall Gazette_. + +Very careless of someone. + + *** + +Reading that one of the features of the new British battleship class +will be less draught, Aunt Caroline remarked that she was glad to hear +this: she had always understood that during even half a gale it was +very easy to catch cold at sea. + + *** + +Sir RUFUS ISAACS has decided to take the title of Lord READING. This +still leaves it open to a distinguished literary man, should he be +made a peer, to become Lord Writing. + + *** + +The age of pleasure! Where will it stop? Extract from _The Witney +Gazette_:--"On Monday evening a very successful dance was given in the +Corn Exchange ... The company numbered over one hundred, and dancing +to the strains of Taylor's Oxford Scarlet Band was enjoyed till the +early hours of Wednesday morning." + + *** + +While Police Constable JAKEMAN was in Eldon Road, Reading, last week, +a cat suddenly pounced on him and bit him. We have not yet received +a full account of the incident, but apparently the constable was on +detective duty and cleverly disguised as a mouse. + + *** + +One of the cats shown at the Grand Championship Cat Show had her fur +cut and trimmed like a poodle's. The matter has been much discussed in +canine circles, and we understand that there may be trouble. + + *** + +An express train travelling from Nice to Macon was, last week, beaten +by an eagle, which raced it over a distance of eighteen miles. Birds +are evidently being put upon their mettle by the aeroplanes. + + *** + +Alleged notice outside Drury Lane:-- + +SLEEPING BEAUTY. + +N.B.--CHAUFFEURS ARE KINDLY +REQUESTED NOT TO HOOT +WHEN PASSING. + + *** + +From Paris comes the news that a successor to the Tango has been +found in the form of a Chinese dance known as the Tatao. The name, +presumably, is a contraction of the words "Ta-ta, Tango." + + *** + +A new character named "It" appears in the revival of _The Darling of +the Gods_. We presume it is The Limit. + + *** + +The manager of the Little Theatre is making arrangements for shilling +seats for the first time in the history of the house. How is it going +to be done? By _Magic_, of course. + + *** + +"The Shepherdess without a Heart" continues to make good progress, and +the medical profession is much interested. + + * * * * * + +A FAREWELL TOUR. + +This is positively Chum's last appearance in print--for his own sake +no less than for yours. He is conceited enough as it is, but if once +he got to know that people are always writing about him in the papers +his swagger would be unbearable. However, I have said good-bye to +him now; I have no longer any rights in him. Yesterday I saw him off +to his new home, and when we meet again it will be on a different +footing. "Is that your dog?" I shall say to his master. "What is he? A +Cocker? Jolly little fellows, aren't they? I had one myself once." + +As Chum refused to do the journey across London by himself, I met him +at Liverpool Street. He came up in a crate; the world must have seemed +very small to him on the way. "Hallo, old ass," I said to him through +the bars, and in the little space they gave him he wriggled his body +with delight. "Thank Heaven there's _one_ of 'em alive," he said. + +"I think this is my dog," I said to the guard, and I told him my name. + +He asked for my card. + +"I'm afraid I haven't one with me," I explained. When policemen touch +me on the shoulder and ask me to go quietly; when I drag old gentlemen +from underneath motor-'buses, and they decide to adopt me on the spot; +on all the important occasions when one really wants a card, I never +have one with me. + +"Can't give him up without proof of identity," said the guard, and +Chum grinned at the idea of being thought so valuable. + +I felt in my pockets for letters. There was only one, but it offered +to lend me £10,000 on my note of hand alone. It was addressed to "Dear +Sir," and though I pointed out to the guard that I was the "Sir," he +still kept tight hold of Chum. Strange that one man should be prepared +to trust me with £10,000, and another should be so chary of confiding +to me a small black spaniel. + +"Tell the gentleman who I am," I said imploringly through the bars. +"Show him you know me." + +"He's _really_ all right," said Chum, looking at the guard with his +great honest brown eyes. "He's been with us for years." + +And then I had an inspiration. I turned down the inside pocket of my +coat; and there, stitched into it, was the label of my tailor's with +my name written on it. I had often wondered why tailors did this; +obviously they know how stupid guards can be. + +"I suppose that's all right," said the guard reluctantly. Of course I +might have stolen the coat. I see his point. + +"You--you wouldn't like a nice packing case for yourself?" I said +timidly. "You see, I thought I'd put Chum on the lead. I've got to +take him to Paddington, and he must be tired of his shell by now. It +isn't as if he were _really_ an armadillo." + +The guard thought he would like a shilling and a nice packing case. +Wood, he agreed, was always wood, particularly in winter, but there +were times when you were not ready for it. + +"How are you taking him?" he asked, getting to work with a chisel. +"Underground?" + +"Underground?" I cried in horror. "Take Chum on the Underground? +Take--Have you ever taken a large live conger-eel on the end of a +string into a crowded carriage?" + +The guard never had. + +"Well, don't. Take him in a taxi instead. Don't waste him on other +people." + +The crate yawned slowly, and Chum emerged all over straw. We had an +anxious moment, but the two of us got him down and put the lead on +him. Then Chum and I went off for a taxi. + +"Hooray," said Chum, wriggling all over, "isn't this splendid? I say, +which way are you going? I'm going this way?... No, I mean the other +way." + +Somebody had left some of his milk-cans on the platform. Three times +we went round one in opposite directions and unwound ourselves the +wrong way. Then I hauled him in, took him struggling in my arms and +got into a cab. + +The journey to Paddington was full of interest. For a whole minute +Chum stood quietly on the seat, rested his fore-paws on the open +window and drank in London. Then he jumped down and went mad. He tried +to hang me with the lead, and then in remorse tried to hang himself. +He made a dash for the little window at the back; missed it and +dived out of the window at the side; was hauled back and kissed me +ecstatically, in the eye with his sharpest tooth ... "And I thought +the world was at an end," he said, "and there were no more people. +Oh, I am an ass. I say, did you notice I'd had my hair cut? How do +you like my new trousers? I must show you them." He jumped on to my +lap. "No, I think you'll see them better on the ground," he said, and +jumped down again. "Or no, perhaps you _would_ get a better view if--" +he jumped up hastily, "and yet I don't know--" he dived down, "though +of course, if you--Oh lor! this _is_ a day," and he put both paws +lovingly on my collar. + +Suddenly he was quiet again. The stillness, the absence of storm +in the taxi was so unnatural that I began to miss it. "Buck up, old +fool," I said, but he sat motionless by my side, plunged in thought. I +tried to cheer him up. I pointed out King's Cross to him; he wouldn't +even bark at it. I called his attention to the poster outside the +Euston Theatre of The Two Biffs; for all the regard he showed he might +never even have heard of them. The monumental masonry by Portland Road +failed to uplift him. + +At Baker Street he woke up and grinned cheerily. "It's all right," +he said, "I was trying to remember what happened to me this +morning--something rather-miserable, I thought, but I can't get hold +of it. However it's all right now. How are _you_?" And he went mad +again. + +At Paddington I bought a label at the bookstall and wrote it for him. +He went round and round my leg looking for me. "Funny thing," he said +as he began to unwind, "he was here a moment ago. I'll just go round +once more. I rather think ... _Ow!_ Oh, there you are!" I stepped off +him, unravelled the lead and dragged him to the Parcels Office. + +"I want to send this by the two o'clock train," I said to the man the +other side of the counter. + +"Send what?" he said. + +I looked down. Chum was making himself very small and black in the +shadow of the counter. He was completely hidden from the sight of +anybody the other side of it. + +"Come out," I said, "and show yourself." + +"Not much," he said. "A parcel! I'm not going to be a jolly old parcel +for anybody." + +"It's only a way of speaking," I pleaded. "Actually you are travelling +as a small black gentleman. You will go with the guard--a delightful +man." + +Chum came out reluctantly. The clerk leant over the counter and +managed to see him. + +"According to our regulations," he said, and I always dislike people +who begin like that, "he has to be on a chain. A leather lead won't +do." + +Chum smiled all over himself. I don't know which pleased him +more--the suggestion that he was a very large and fierce dog, or the +impossibility now of his travelling with the guard, delightful man +though he might be. He gave himself a shake and started for the door. + +"Tut, tut, it's a great disappointment to me," he said, trying to +look disappointed, but his back _would_ wriggle. "This chain +business--silly of us not + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLACK MAN'S BURDEN. + +REFRAIN BY NATIVES OF SOUTH AFRICA AND KIKUYU.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Kindly Hostess_ (_to nervous reciter who has broken +down in "The Charge of the Light Brigade"_). "NEVER MIND MR. TOMPKINS, +JUST TELL US IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS."] + + * * * * * + +to have known--well, well, we shall be wiser another time. Now let's +go home." + +Poor old Chum; I _had_ known. From a large coat pocket I produced a +chain. + +"_Dash_ it," said Chum, looking up at me pathetically, "you might +almost _want_ to get rid of me." + +He was chained, and the label tied on to him. Forgive me that label, +Chum; I think that was the worst offence of all. And why should I +label one who was speaking so eloquently for himself; who said from +the tip of his little black nose to the end of his stumpy black tail, +"I'm a silly old ass, but there's nothing wrong in me, and they're +sending me away!" But according to the regulations--one must obey the +regulations, Chum. + +I gave him to the guard--a delightful man. The guard and I chained him +to a brake or something. Then the guard went away, and Chum and I had +a little talk ... + +After that the train went off. + +Good-bye, little dog. A.A.M. + + * * * * * + + "Lady Strachie wishes to thoroughly recommend her permanent + Caretaker and Husband."--_Advt. in "Morning Post."_ + +Lord STRACHIE should be a proud man to-day. + + * * * * * + +HOW GREAT MEN SHOW EMOTION. + + [Mr. HANDEL BOOTH, speaking in Hyde Park recently, declared + that, when he informed Lord ABERDEEN of the conduct of the + police during the Dublin riots, the Lord Lieutenant "buried + his head in his hands."] + +Mr. Leo Maxixe, writing in _The Irrational Review_, states that he +has it on the best authority that when the GERMAN EMPEROR read the +Criccieth New Year's interview with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE he exclaimed, +"This beats the Tango," and fell heavily on the hearthrug. + +Mr. James Larvin, addressing a meeting of the Confederates at the +Saveloy Hotel, informed his hearers that when Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL +read the article in _The Daily Mail_ on his future he stood on his +head in the corner for three minutes, to the great embarrassment of +Sir FRANCIS HOPWOOD, who was present. + +Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, writing in _The British Weekly_, asserts +that when Mr. MASSINGHAM read "C.K.S.'s" recent reference to _The +Nation_ in _The Sphere_ he kicked the waste-paper basket round the +room and tore the hair out of his head in handfuls. + +Mr. CECIL CHESTERTON, addressing a meeting of non-party fishmongers at +Billingsgate last week, stated that he had heard that when Mr. GODFREY +ISAACS informed the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE that Mr. HANDEL BOOTH had +retired from the Dublin Police Inquiry Lord READING OF EARLEY burst +into tears and hid his face in his wig. + + * * * * * + +WHY MR. CHESTERTON SHUNS THE ISLE OF WIGHT. + +Extract from local time-table:-- + + "10.45 a.m. Motor Service between Freshwater and Newport + for light passengers only." + + * * * * * + + "Referring to the plea of Dr. Budge, the poet laureate, + for purer English, a writer in the 'Daily Chronicle' + says...."--_Glasgow Evening Citizen_. + +Purer spelling of names is what the POET LAUREATE would really like to +see. + + * * * * * + +It was very touching of _The Evening News_ to give so much space to +the distressing story of the real Duchess who could not get a seat at +Olympia--(surely they might have thrown out a common person to make +room for her?)--but it was tactless to go on: + + "'If you will bring me a couple of chairs,' said the duchess, + 'I will sit down in the gangway with the greatest pleasure.'" + +It makes one wonder which of our larger duchesses it was. + + * * * * * + +THE HOUSE OF PUNCH. + + [He "married a princess of the House of Punch."--_Excerpt + front an account of the life of a former King of Kashmir_.] + + Hail, Master, and accept the news I bring. + I come to make a solemn mystery clear, + One that affects you deeply; for I sing + Of a most ancient king + Nine hundred years ago in fair Kashmir, + Who yearned towards a bride, and--hear, oh hear, + Lord of the reboant nose and classic hunch-- + "Married a princess of the House of Punch." + + Yes, you are royal, as one might have seen. + The loftiness of your despotic sway, + Your strange aloofness and unearthly mien + (Yet regal) might have been + A full assurance of monarchic clay. + Had but the fates run kindly, at this day + Yourself should be a king of orient fame, + Chief of the princely house that bears your name. + + Methinks I see you at it. I can see + A shamiana[1] loftily upreared + Beneath a banyan (or banana) tree, + Whichever it may be, + Where, with bright turban and vermilion beard + (A not unfrequent sight, and very weird), + You sit at peace; a small boy, doubly bowed, + Acts as your footstool and, though stiff, is proud. + + Fragrant with Champak scents the warm wind sighs + Heavily, faintly, languorously fanned + By drowsy peacock-plumes--to keep the flies + From your full nose and eyes-- + Waved from behind you, where on either hand + Two silent slaves of Nubian polish stand, + Whose patent-leather visages reflect + The convex day, with mirror-like effect. + + Robed in a garment of the choicest spoil + Of Persian looms, you sit apart to deal + Grace to the suppliant and reward for toil, + T'abase the proud, and boil + The malefactor, till upon you steal + Mild qualms suggestive of the mid-day meal; + And, then, what plump, what luscious fruits are those? + What goblets of what vintage? Goodness knows. + + Gladly would I pursue this glowing dream, + To sing of deeds of chivalry and sport, + Of cushioned dalliance in the soft hareem + (A really splendid theme), + The pundits and tame poets at your court, + And all such pride, but I must keep it short. + Once let me off upon a thing so bright, + And I should hardly stop without a fight. + + But now you stand plain Mister; and, no doubt, + Would have for choice this visioned pomp untold. + Yet, Sire, I beg you, cast such musings out; + Put not yourself about + For a vain dream. If I may make so bold, + Your present lot should keep you well consoled. + You still are great, and have, when all is done, + A fine old Eastern smack, majestic One. + + The vassals of your fathers were but few + Compared with yours, who move the whole world wide; + You still can splash an oriental hue, + Red, yellow, green or blue, + Upon a fresh and various outside; + While you support--perhaps your greatest pride + High pundits for your intellectual feast, + And some tame bards, of whom I am the least. + + DUM-DUM. + +[Footnote 1: Tent] + + * * * * * + +GIVEN AWAY. + +A correspondent of _The Times_ writes:--"The _Niva_, the _Russian +Family Herald_, promises to annual subscribers, in addition to a copy +of the paper every week-- + + The complete works of Korolenko in twenty-five volumes. + The complete works of Edmond Rostand. + The complete works of Maikof. + A literary supplement every month. + A fashion book. + A book of patterns of fancy-work designs. + A tear-off calendar for 1914," + +and adds, "Where does English or American journalistic enterprise +stand beside this?" + +We understand that our more enterprising contemporaries have no +intention of allowing this question to remain unanswered, and the +wildest rumours are afloat as to the nature of the gifts which will be +offered next year to annual subscribers by various British journals. + +With a view to test the accuracy of these rumours our Special +Representative called yesterday upon the Editors of several leading +publications, and, although much secrecy is still maintained, he has +succeeded in collecting some valuable information. For instance, the +report that _The Nineteenth Century and After_ would include among +its gifts the dramatic works of the MELVILLE BROS., _HOW to Dance the +Tango_, and _Sweeter than Honey_, a novel with a strong love interest, +lacks confirmation; nor are we in a position to assert definitely that +_The Spectator_ will present a beautiful coloured supplement, entitled +"Susie's Pet Pup," and a handsome mug bearing the inscription: "A +Present from Loo," though we believe that such may be the case. + +On the other hand, _The Times'_ reply to an inquiry as to whether +they would present to each reader half a ton of supplements was that +they had done so for some years past; and _The Daily Mirror_ did not +deny that they were considering the proposal to present a framed +copy of the portrait of John Tiffinch which appeared in their issue +of February 29, 1913. (Tiffinch, our readers will remember, was +brother-in-law to the man who discovered the great emerald robbery.) + +_The British Medical Journal's_ list will include the works of GEORGE +BERNARD SHAW and the Life of Mrs. EDDY; but the report that _The +Tailor and Cutter_ would present _Wild Tribes of Central Africa_ is +emphatically denied. + +Finally, _The Boxing World_ had not thought of offering any +free-gifts, but on learning that BOSWELL had written a Life of JOHNSON +seemed inclined to reconsider their decision. + + * * * * * + + "In order to counteract a tendency to stoutness which + ex-President Taft is now overcoming, the Kaiser has lately + undergone a systematic course of outdoor 'training.'"--_Daily + Mail_. + +This is very friendly of the KAISER, but Mr. TAFT will probably do it +better by himself. + +Says an Edinburgh tram-car advertisement:-- + + THE SCOTTISH ORCHESTRA. + Conductor..........E. Mlynarski. + Solo Violinist.....Duci Kerekjarto." + +You should see these natives when they get among the haggis. Hoots! + + * * * * * + +THE KAKEKIKOKUANS; + +OR, THE HEATHEN IN HIS BLINDNESS. + +THE country of Kakekikoku, as its name suggests, lies in the vicinity +of Timbuctoo, the well-known African resort; and at the present time, +when so much interest is centred upon that little-known land, it may +be profitable to our readers, as well as to the writer, to give some +information about it. + +A famous Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society, who has travelled +widely, not only in this country but in Belgium and the Channel +Islands, has stated that Kakekikoku is richly endowed with the +bewilderments, perils and mysteries of primitive and unexplored +African territory. A warlike and exclusive folk, the Kakekikokuans +extend a red-hot welcome to the foreigner who ventures within their +borders. They are possessed of a fine physique and an intelligence +of a subtler kind than many savage races can pretend to; yet while +having all the qualities that should go to the building up of a +strong nation, certain conditions of their life bar the way to such an +achievement. In a word, the Kakekikokuans are in the clutches of the +medicine-man. Each of these despots has his own little following, and +wields a distinctive influence, it being a point of honour with him +that his teaching should differ in some way (usually in but a trivial +detail) from the teaching of any other of his kind. The solemnity of +their discussions and the heat of their dissensions about the minutiæ +of their creeds would be laughable were it not so pathetic.. + +And not only do the medicine-men dispute among themselves, but their +followers engage even more vehemently in bitter strife. For instance, +there is a national belief that the juby-juby nut, which grows in the +forests in profusion, possesses some supernatural virtue that will +make a man who chews it impervious to the weapons of his enemies. +That this virtue exists is generally accepted; but when it comes to +a discussion of how, when and where to chew the nut, much wrangling +goes on; and such men as survive in battle claim that their particular +method is proved to be the correct one, while such as succumb are +cited in proof of the error of their process of absorbing the +juices of the juby-juby nut. The survivors include, of course, +representatives of various schools of thought, and a battle against +a common enemy rarely goes by without being immediately followed by +a conflict among the surviving Kakekikokuans in order to put to final +proof their respective theories about their remarkable fruit. Thus a +promising people is committing race-suicide; for this sort of thing +goes on not only in connection with this particular problem, but over +such questions as the number of beads to wear round one's neck when +visiting the medicine-man, whether the national custom of saluting +the rising sun need be observed on cloudy mornings, and whether +the medicine-man is entitled to the pick of the yams on any day but +Sunday. People of different opinions on these points decline to eat +together or to enter into social intercourse with one another; and +their children are forbidden to mingle in play. + +The good news has just come to hand, however, that a band of Church +of England missionaries, despatched by the Bishop of ZANZIBAR, has +now entered the country; and it is delightful to contemplate the +beneficent result that may be expected from their broadminded attitude +and their sane teaching on the subject of the brotherhood of man. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Observant Lady_ (_to gentleman alighting from 'bus_). +"_I_ THINK YOU'VE DROPPED A PENNY!"] + + * * * * * + + "The Berlin critics have been accusing Mr. Bernard Shaw of + having committed in his 'Pygmalion,' produced in Germany the + other day, a plagiarism from Smollett's novel, 'Peregrine + Pickle.' Mr. Shaw denies that he has ever read the novel + in question, and, in an interview in the London 'Observer,' + remarks: 'The suggestion of the German papers that I had + Pygmalion produced in Germany lest I should be detected in + my own country of plagiarism, shows an amusing ignorance of + English culture.'"--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + +It does. Why even our most cultured countryman, Mr. BERNARD SHAW, has +never read _Peregrine Pickle_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Spademan, of Woodnewton, Northants, placed a dozen eggs + under a hen some time ago, and there were hatched out thirteen + chickens, one of the eggs being double-yolked. All the young + birds are doing well. + + Burroughes and Watts' billiard tables for + accuracy."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_. + +They are, in fact, a lesson to Mr. STADEMAN's hens. + + * * * * * + +LACONICS. + +"As a matter of fact," said the doctor, "you ought not to speak at +all. But that's asking too much. So let it go at this--not a word more +than is necessary. Good-bye.", + +He left the room and I lay back pondering on his instructions. How +many words were really necessary? + +The nurse soon after entered. + +"So the doctor's gone," she said. + +Obviously it wasn't necessary to say Yes, since the room was empty +save for me and her; so I made no reply. + +She went to the window and looked out. The sky was blue and the +sunshine was brilliant. + +"It's a fine day," she said. + +No, I thought, you don't catch me there; and said nothing. But I +reflected that yesterday I might myself have made the same inane +remark as she. + +"Would you like the paper?" she asked. + +"Yes," I said, and then almost regretted it, for having waited nearly +fifty years for yesterday's news surely I could wait longer. Still, +the paper would help to pass the time. + +While she was fetching it I remembered a dream of last night which I +had intended to tell her this morning. + +But why do so? A dream is of no account even to the dreamer. Still, +the recital might have made her laugh. But why should laughter be +bothered about? + +The nurse brought the paper and I signified Thank you. + +"I'll leave you for a while now," she said; "The fire's all right. +Your drink's by the bed. You'll ring if you want anything." + +All these things I knew. My drink is always beside the bed; the bell +is the natural communication between me and the house. What a foolish +chatterbox the woman was! I nodded and she went out. + +On her return an hour or so later she asked, "Is there anything in the +paper?" + +Before answering I examined this question. What did it mean? It did +not mean, Are the pages this morning absolutely blank, for a change? +It meant, Is there a good murder? Is any very important person dead? +In reply I handed the paper to her. + +Instead of reading it she began a long account of her morning's +walk. She told me where she had been; whom she had seen; whom she +had thought she had seen and then found that it was some one else; +what somebody had said. Not a syllable mattered, I now realised; +but yesterday I should have joined in the talk, asked questions, +encouraged her in her foolishness. + +Just before lunch my brother and a guest came into the room and began +to talk about golf. My brother said that he had been round in 98. This +was his best since September, when he went round in 97. He described +his difficulties at the tenth hole. + +It all seemed very idiotic to me, for the game was over and done with. +Why rake it up? + +The guest said that he had lost two balls, one of which was expensive. +His driving had been good, but in the short game he had been weak. +He could never quite make up his mind whether he putted best with a +gun-metal putter or a wooden one. + +My brother asked me if I remembered that long drive of his two years +ago? + +I nodded. + +The nurse came in and told them to go. She then asked me if I was +hungry. + +"Very," I said. + +She brought me some beef-tea and calf's-foot-jelly, remarking that +they were easily taken and "would not hurt my throat." + +That was why they were chosen, of course. + +In the afternoon I had a visit from my Aunt Lavinia, who sat down with +the remark that she would tell me all the news. + +"You remember Esther?" she began. + +Esther is my cousin and we were brought up together. How could I have +forgotten her? + +What she told me about Esther was of no consequence. Then she told me +how she had nearly lost her luggage at Brighton--she quite thought she +had lost it, in fact--but, as it happened, it turned up. "And if I had +lost it," she said, "it would have been dreadful, for I had a number +of dear Stella's beautiful sketches in one of my trunks. Quite +irreplaceable. However, it is all right." + +Then why tell me? + +And so she rattled on. + +"You don't say anything," she said at last. + +It was true. I had said nothing. I told her what the doctor +instructed. + +"Quite right," she remarked. "I wish other people even in good health +could have the same prescription." + +Just before dinner my brother came in again. "You've had Aunt Lavinia +here," he said. + +I had. + +"Getting quite grey, I thought," he said. + +I had noticed it too. + +He was smoking, and while he was with me he emptied his pipe and +filled it again. He thought he had knocked the burning ash in the +grate, but it had fallen in the turn-up of his right trouser-leg. + +Should I tell him? I wondered. He would, of course, find it out from +the smell, but meanwhile the cloth would be burned through. + +"Your trouser's burning," I said. + +That was the only remark I volunteered all that day; and really, +except now and then on business, I don't see why one should ever +talk more. + + * * * * * + +CURLING. + +(_THE GAME AND HOW TO PLAY IT, BY A WINTER SPORT._) + +Take a piece of ice (you'll want Switzerland for this). Draw two +circles, one at each end. Draw a line a short distance from each +circle. The drawing can be done with a pin, pocket-knife, diamond, +axe, friend's razor or other edged or pointed instrument. I give no +dimensions because they are dull things and I hate guessing. Talk of +the circles at each end as "houses" and the lines as "hogs," and you +are well on the road to become a curler. + +Take two narrow pieces of tin with prickly eruptions on one side. +Place one each end of the ice-patch, prickly side down, and stamp on +the smooth side. Why these pieces of tin are called "crampits" I can't +tell you, unless it's just part of the fun. + +You now have a prepared patch that can be used for hop-scotch, +shove-halfpenny, Rugby football or curling. If you have named the +things as directed you really ought to use it for curling. + +We now come to the question of players. This is one of the most +important parts of the game. Four a side is the almost ideal number, +but a few more or less do not make any very great difference. But be +sure to get some Scotchmen. They take the game seriously and do much +to make the whole affair bright and mirthful. A slight sprinkling of +Irishmen often serves to bring out more prominently the flavour of the +Scottish humour. + +Don't play for money unless you have the majority of Scotchmen on your +side. + +The game is played with "stones," or, to use their Scotch pseudonym, +"stanes." To every man two stanes. You can either get your "stanes" +in England and travel out with them, or hire them in the locality. +They make the most pleasant travelling companions and at times are +the cause of many amusing incidents which beguile the tedium of the +journey. Also they often lead to your picking up chance acquaintances. +I have known one stone placed in a dimly lighted corridor of a +train productive of much merriment and harmless banter. Being of +considerable weight they do not readily respond to a playful kick, but +having no sharp corners they are seldom responsible for serious injury +to the kicker. + +Every stone, when new, has a handle. Be careful to preserve the handle +intact on the upper part of the stone. If this adjunct be lost or +mislaid the stone is less amenable to transit and almost useless for +its original purpose. + +You will also require a long-handled carpet-broom, which you will on +arrival re-name a "cow." Most dressing-bags constructed for foreign +travel are now fitted with these useful and picturesque articles. +The "cow" is used for two purposes. If you are lucky enough to be +appointed scorer for your side you mark the score on the handle in +such a way as to be indecipherable by everyone but yourself. This +prevents disputes with regard to the accuracy of your arithmetic. +You also use it to sweep the ice in front of a friendly stone which +appears likely to give up prematurely from exhaustion. Sweeping is +carried out under the direction of your captain, and the process is +known in the vernacular as "sooping 'er oop." You are not allowed +to retard the progress of a stone, friendly or otherwise, by +intentionally sweeping obstructions into its path. To discard a +portion of your "cow" in front of a rapidly advancing stone is +actionable. + +Over-enthusiasm in "sooping 'er 'oop" should be avoided. Ice is +proverbially slippery, and if you fall on to a friendly stone from +excess of energy or from debility, your side is "huffed" that stone. +This is a serious matter, and even if you are able to continue the +game you are looked on with disfavour by your friends. + +The object of the game is to get your stone as near as possible to the +centre of the circle at the other end of the rink. With this object +you stand on the piece of tin or "crampit" before referred to, grasp +the stone firmly by the handle and hurl it along the ice. It is almost +essential to let go the stone at the right moment, otherwise it will +hurl you. The game is almost identical with the commoner game of +"bowls," except for the language, which is worse. The term "wood" +is inappropriate and must be avoided, as the use of it may lay you +under a charge of ignorance or flippancy, which you will find almost +impossible to live down. + +I will conclude with a few hints to novices. Preserve a cool head +and steady eye. Whilst you are playing your shot your captain will be +dancing about in the circle at the other end of the ice. You will find +it best to disregard his maniacal shoutings and gesticulations. You +will probably not understand half of them and will not agree with the +other half. If he should break a blood-vessel do not take any notice +unless some part of his fallen body is likely to obstruct your stone. +In this case you are entitled to have him moved. + +If, after you have played, cries of "hog" or "wobbler" arise, remember +that you are engaged in a sport and not in politics and that there +is nothing really offensive in the terms. Finally, never scoff at the +language used, and above all remember that what is one man's game may +be another's religion. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIFE'S LITTLE TRAGEDIES. + +SHY AND NERVOUS HUSBAND, ABANDONED IN COSTUME DEPARTMENT BY HIS +WIFE WHO HAS GONE TO THE FITTING-ROOM TO HAVE HER DRESS FITTED, AND +SURROUNDED BY TALL AND BEAUTEOUS YOUNG LADIES WHOSE ONLY BUSINESS +SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A WORM.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EH, BUT I HAD A RARE TIME LAST YEAR-R. A WAS AT MA +COUSIN MACWHUSKIE'S A WHOLE FORTNIGHT, AN' A DIDNA ONCE KEN A WAS +THEER!"] + + * * * * * + +REVENGE. + +(_OR, A HINT TO A HOUSE-AGENT AFTER COMING AWAY FROM HIS OFFICE._) + + Your voice was pleasing and your face was fat; + With soap _ad libitum_ you sought to dabble us; + But when I told you we must leave the flat + Did I not notice; underneath the spat, + The bifurcated boot that marks _Diabolus_? + + I know that in a brief while you'll have found + The house I wanted (_sic_), superbly roomy, + With a fine view and every comfort crowned, + A short three minutes from the Underground; + Also I know that you are safe to "do" me. + + There will be something wrong; but you shall fill + My ears with praises specious and irrelevant + Of this and that; and you shall have your will, + And heave a deep sigh when I've paid my bill, + Having got off at last some rare white elephant. + + And when things happen to "The Yews" or "Planes" + Left by the Joneses like a haunt of lazars; + When the roof falls, or in the winter rains + The dining-room breaks out in sudden blains, + And every feast we have recalls BELSHAZZAR's; + + You shall be smiling. But you have not guessed + One thing, for all your wisdom, child of Lucifer: + You did not know I was a bard, whose breast + Could boil with bitter language when oppressed + Like a bargee's; if anything, abusiver. + + This is the high reward of sacred song; + The minstrels' voices are like falling honey + When the gods please them, but when things go wrong + They speak their mind out straight, and speak it strong, + Especially on points concerned with money. + + So, if you "do me down," I have my lyre, + And I shall trumpet (at the normal Press wage) + Such things about that house, and with such fire, + That all men ever after shall conspire + To shun the said demesne and curse that messuage. + + And spiders on the broken panes shall sit, + And the grey rats shall scuttle in the basement, + Until the Borough Council purchase it + And cleanse and decorate, and lastly fit + A fair blue _plaque_ above the study casement, + + Saying, "Here lived a while and wove his spell, + Eusebius Binks the bard, the unforgotten; + The house is mentioned in his 'Lines to Hell,' + Also the agents, Messrs. Azazel, + And the then drains which, so he sang, were rotten." + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +_The Daily Telegraph_ says of the Portsmouth Corporation telephone +system:-- + + "At present there are 1,899 subscribers and 2,528 distinct + telephones." + +Why doesn't the Post Office experiment with this new sort of +telephone. + + * * * * * + + "Yet it is necessary to state emphatically, although no representative + of a daily newspaper seems to have been under this impression, that not + for twenty years have I been so bored." + + _C.K.S. in "The Sphere," on the 'Edwin Drood' trial_. + +But how are the poor reporters to know so much about C.K.S. as that? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COULEUR D'ORANGE. + +MR. ASQUITH (_on the Riviera_). "LUCKY FOR ME THERE AREN'T ANY +'CONVERSATIONS' HERE--I MIGHT AGREE TO ALMOST ANYTHING."] + + * * * * * + +THE POST OFFICE AGAIN. + +DEAR UNCLE,--Its your birthday to-day. I sent you some nice pairs of +hankerchifs because its your birthday. They for your nose. Its funny +our birthdays being so close. And now no more from your loving neice + +NANCY. + +MY DEAR NANCY,--Thank you very much indeed for the nice +pocket-handkerchiefs. I am very pleased with them. Nobody has ever +troubled to give me handkerchiefs before with pretty flowers worked in +the corners. I have been wearing them to-day, or rather one of them. +They are so nice that I really meant to have kept them specially for +parties and things like that, but, as I was obliged to leave home in +a great hurry this morning, and someone had hidden my everyday +handkerchiefs, I took one of yours. + +Such a funny thing has happened. I sent you for your birthday a pretty +card with birds on it, and somehow or other it got taken in quite a +different direction, and was returned to me this morning by--whom do +you think? Auntie Maud, all the way away in Ireland. But we mustn't +blame the Postmaster-General without being absolutely sure of +ourselves. It is very difficult in mysterious cases like this to be +absolutely sure. Didn't you get my parcel? I sent it off at the same +time as I sent the card, and I haven't had the parcel back. I wonder +where it is. It looks as though things were going on that you and I +know nothing about. I shall be very angry with him if he has forgotten +to give you your parcel. + +Hoping you are quite well, thank you, Your loving + +UNCLE HENRY. + +DEAR UNCLE,--Thank you for your pretty card for my birthday. I didn't +got your parsel. Its very naughty of him when its my birthday. I hop +youll be very very angry with him because its my birthday and I didnt +get your parsel. And now no more from your loving neice + +NANCY. + +_The Postmaster-General_. + +SIR,--On Tuesday last I despatched by book-post a parcel from the +South-Western District Office. It is now Friday, and the parcel +has not been delivered. I should esteem it a favour if you would +kindly give the Official Handicapper for the District in question +instructions to allow my parcel to start forthwith. Yours faithfully, + +HY. FRESHFIELD. + +_The Postmaster-General_. + +SIR,--In reply to your enquiry as to the nature of the parcel, I beg +to inform you that it was oblong in shape and done up in brown paper +and tied securely with string. To assist you still further in the +task of identification, I may mention that it is addressed to Miss +Nancy Freshfield, c/o F.E.L. Freshfield, Esq., 47, Ottalie Gardens, +Westminster, S.W. + +Trusting that nothing serious has occurred to disqualify my parcel, +Yours faithfully, HY. FRESHFIELD. + +DEAR UNCLE,--I thought it was such a long time my parsel didnt come I +would write to you dear Uncle. I hop you were very angry with him. And +now no more + +from your loving neice NANCY. + +DEAR SIR,--I am directed by the Postmaster-General to inform you that +your parcel has now been traced. + +The name of the addressee was correctly stated by you, but you omitted +to append such further instructions for the guidance of the Post +Office as to indicate the destination to which you desired it to go. +I have the pleasure to add that the fuller information has been copied +in from your letter, and the parcel despatched.... + +DEAR NANCY,--By the same post that brought me your letter I heard from +our absent-minded friend, the Postmaster-General. You will be pained +to learn that he is even more absent-minded than we thought he was. +Although, when I handed him your parcel, I distinctly told him it +was going to Westminster, the moment my back is turned he must needs +forget all about it. + +I feel really rather sorry for him, and I don't think we ought to be +angry any more. He can't possibly forget now, because I have written +the address down for him. Your loving + +UNCLE HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT TO DO WITH OUR FAT MEN; OR, EVERY LITTLE HELPS.] + + * * * * * + +A CABINET CRISIS. + +It had to be faced at last. There is a demand for them occasionally, +and people won't put up with that excellent one taken under the +crab-apple tree any longer. + +I was caught just right there. The sun was in an indulgent mood and +winked at the signs of advancing age. The bald patch was out of sight, +and the smile would have softened the heart of an income-tax assessor. +I acquired the negative from the amateur performer, and had it +vignetted, which made it better still, as there was a space between +the cashmere sock and the spring trousering in the original that I did +not want attention drawn to. I had a large number of prints made, and +dealt them out to anybody who asked for a photograph of me. At first +they aroused considerable enthusiasm, but after five or six years a +look of doubt began to appear on the faces of the recipients. Hadn't I +got a later one? This was very nice, but--I pointed out that I hadn't +changed at all, or only a very little. At my best I was still like +that; and didn't they want me at my best? + +At last a person described by himself as plain-spoken, and by other +people as offensively rude, said that I had never really been as +good-looking as that, with all possible allowances made, and any way +he wanted a photograph and not a memorial card. I took a firm stand, +and said that if he wasn't satisfied with that one he could go without +altogether, and he said in the most insulting way that he supposed he +should be himself again in time if he took a tonic. + +A few more episodes of that sort eventually drove me to it. I passed +my _viva-voce_ examination at the hands of the young lady at the desk, +paid my fees, got my testamur, and was shown into the torture-chamber, +where the head executioner was busy adjusting his racks and screws. + +I was rather taken with the rustic seat that was standing on a white +fur mat in front of a scene representing the Jungfrau, but he headed +me off it. If I liked the Jungfrau as a background I could have +it, but not with the seat; that was for engaged couples only. He +recommended a pair of skis, or a bobsleigh; he could put a fine fall +of snow into the negative. But as I had arrayed myself in a black +coat, with one of those white waistcoat slips, and a flowing tie with +a pearl pin, I refused this offer, and we decided we wouldn't have a +background at all. + +As the man who administered the laughing gas was out at lunch, I +prepared to go through with it in cold blood, and seated myself in the +operating chair in the most natural attitude I could assume--something +like the one I had taken under the crab-tree. I thought I would show +them that there wasn't so much difference after all. But it did not +suit the head mechanic at all. He looked at me with his head on one +side, and then took hold of mine by the chin and the hair and gave it +a twist. I had never worn it at that angle in my life, and I knew it +would put my collar all wrong; but I had to do what he told me. He +arranged my coat so that it should look as if it had been made to +fit somebody else, and disposed my arms in such a way as to give the +sleeves the appearance of trouser legs with rucks in them. I felt +almost more sorry for my tailor than for myself, but I shall send him +one of the prints when I get them; it will be good for him. + +We were now ready to tackle the expression. I had chosen one that +would have been suitable for a man with a fair No Trump hand, but +with one suit not fully guarded, as I didn't want to overdo it; but, +judging from the inquisitor's remarks about the graveside, I am quite +ready to admit that it might not have come out like that. I hastily +dealt myself a hundred aces and a long suit of clubs, and he said +that that was better, but I must put off the idea of the funeral +altogether. It was not until I had assumed the appearance of a +reach-me-down Nut with a dislocated neck, being made love to by +six chorus-girls at once, that he condescended to take a look at +me through the peephole. Then he ran up to me, gave my chin another +hitch, pulled my neck another foot or two out of my collar, added a +ruck or two to my sleeves, and said he liked the other side of my face +better, after all. + +So we went through it all again, and I worked at it with a will, for I +wanted to see him get under his black cloth and finish the business. + +It wasn't as bad as I had thought, but he was not done by any means +when he had fired his first shot. He rammed more cartridges into the +breach, and twisted me into three fresh contortions. He said he was +sure that some of the efforts would turn out magnificently. + +I don't feel quite the same confidence myself. I am anxiously +awaiting the result, and trying to get rid of the crick in my neck +and to unbuckle the smile in the meantime. If it doesn't turn out +satisfactorily, I shall get a few lines--not too deep--put into the +negative of the one taken under the crab-tree, and a little hair +painted out--but not too much. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WORK! I'M NOT AFRAID O' WORK, BUT I CAN'T GET ANY IN +MY LINE." + +"WHAT IS YOUR LINE?" + +"I USED TO BE A STOCKBROKER, LIDY."] + + * * * * * + + "Lemnos and Samothrace are to pass to Greece, and Chios and + Wtlylene are to be neutralised."--_Daily Citizen_. + +We shall remain anxious until the last-named is sterilized. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAGEDY OF MIDDLE AGE. + + When I was a mid-Victorian nut + With a delicate taste in ties, + A highly elegant figure I cut, + At least in my own fond eyes, + And used to regard unwaxed moustaches + As one of the worst of social laches. + + But now I find in my youngest son + The sternest of autocrats. + He tells me the things that must be done + And orders my collars and spats; + Prescribes mild exercise on the links + And advises me on the choice of drinks. + + I've faithfully striven to imitate + My Mentor in dress and diction, + And loyally laboured to cultivate + A taste for the latest fiction; + Though I still read DICKENS upon the sly, + And even SCOTT, when nobody's by. + + It's true I've managed to draw the line + At going to tango teas, + For, after all, I am fifty-nine + And a trifle stiff in the knees; + But I've had to give up billiards for "slosh," + And pay laborious homage to "squash." + + Long since my whiskers I had to shave + To please this young barbarian, + But still for a while I stealthily clave + To the use of Pommade Hungarian; + But now my tyrant has made me snip + The glory and pride of my upper lip. + + "My dear old man," he recently said, + "If you go on waxing the ends, + You're bound to be cut, direct and dead, + By all of my nuttiest friends. + For it's only done, so _The Mail_ discovers, + By Labour leaders and taxi-shovers." + + So the deed was done, but whenever I gaze + On my face in the glass I moan + As I think of the mid-Victorian days + When my upper lip was my own. + For now, of length and of breadth bereft, + The ghost of a tooth-brush is all that's left. + + * * * * * + + "MISSING NAVY PAYMASTER ARRESTED." + + _"Evening Standard" Poster._ + +So that's where it was all the time! + + * * * * * + + "The Under-sheriff said ... rumours against a man's + character were like a rolling stone, gathering moss as it + went."--_Western Mail_. + +"As fond of the fire as a burnt child," is another of the Under +Sheriff's favourite sayings. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Indulgent Householder_. "WHY ARE YOU SINGING CAROLS, +MY LITTLE MAN? DON'T YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER?" + +_Youthful Caroller_. "YES, SIR; BUT I 'AD MEASLES ALL FROO +CHRISTMAS."] + + * * * * * + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +GLAMOUR. + +Once upon a time there was a peer who knew the frailty of unennobled +man. + +Having occasion to entertain at dinner a number of useful follows, he +instructed his butler to transfer the labels from a number of empty +bottles of champagne to an equal number of magnums of dry ginger-ale, +at ten shillings the dozen, and these were placed on the table. + +At the beginning of the repast his lordship casually drew attention +to the wine which he was giving his guests, and asked for their candid +opinion of it, as he was aware that they were all good judges, who +knew a good thing when they saw it, and he would value their opinion. + +And they one and all said it was an excellent champagne, and two or +three made a note of it in their pocket-books. And such was their +loyal enthusiasm that the banquet ended in a fine glow of something +exactly like hilarity. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MARY-GIRL." + +"I'm not going to give up my daily bath!" In these pregnant and moving +words rang the _cri de coeur_ which was to precipitate the tragedy of +_Mary Sheppard_. To you the attitude of mind which provoked this cry +may seem as natural as it was sanitary. But you must understand that +it ran directly counter to _Ezra Sheppard's_ ideal of the simple +God-fearing life. Godliness with him came first, and cleanliness +followed where it could. In his view a tub once a week was all that +any sane person should need. Apart from this hebdomadal use its proper +function was to hold dirty dishes and soiled clothes for the washing. +And indeed this had at one time been _Mary's_ own view (though +tempered by vague aspirations towards a softer existence, as we might +have guessed from the elegance of her brown shoes) before a year of +the higher life had shaken her content. Let us go back. + +[Illustration: Mr. MCKINNEL (_Ezra Sheppard_) to Miss MAY BLAYNEY +(_Mary Sheppard_). "You've been lying again! You know how I hate it--I +told you so in this very theatre when we were playing in _Between +Sunset and Dawn_."] + +_Ezra Sheppard_ was by profession a market-gardener, and his favourite +recreation was preaching in a barn. We have the picture of a frugal +but happy interior, with a new-born infant (_off_). The trouble began +with an offer made to his wife of a situation as foster-mother to +the baby (also _off_) of a neighbouring Countess. The wages were to +be high and she was to be delicately entreated; but there were hard +conditions. She was not to hold communication with her husband or +child for twelve months. I am sorry to say that _Mary_ did not flinch +from these conditions quite so much as I could have hoped. _Ezra_, +however, rejected them for her with manly scorn, until he was reminded +that the high wages would speed the end of his own ambitions--namely, +to replace his barn with a conventicle of brick. So he let his wife +loose into Eden with the Serpent. + +And now we see _Mary_ seated in the lap of luxury, with soft gowns to +wear, and peaches to eat and instant slaves at her beck. You will, of +course, expect her virtue to fall an easy prey; but you will be wrong. +The Earl's attitude is pleasantly parental, and the attentions of +the Countess's cavalier--an author--are confined to the extraction +of copy. And anyhow _Mary's_ instincts are sound. Now and again she +remembers to pity the loneliness of her husband, whose cottage light +she can see from the window of her bower; and once, by a ruse, she +gets him to break the conditions and visit her; but when he learns +that the invitation came from her, and not, as alleged, from the +Countess, his conscience will not permit him to take advantage of his +chance. So you have the unusual spectacle of a true and loving wife +pleading in vain for the embraces of her true and loving husband. + +But if her virtue, in the technical sense, remained intact, the +Serpent had overfed her with _pommes de luxe_. On her return +home--where the restoration of her child might have helped matters, +but it doesn't know who she is and refuses to part from its +foster-mother--we find her lethargic, off her feed, indifferent to the +claims of menial toil, and clamorous (as I have shown) for her rights +of the daily bath. + +In the first joy of conjugal reunion _Ezra_ consents to tolerate the +discomfort of this change, but in the end he loses patience and hits +her. She leaves for London the same afternoon. + +Six black months pass over the husband's bowed head, and then, on a +very windy night (the wind was well done), she makes a re-entry, and +confesses that, under stress of need, she has lapsed from virtue. This +is bad news for _Ezra_, but he is prepared to forgive a fault in which +he himself has had a fair share. Only there must be a sacrifice of +something, if moral justice is to be appeased. So he chooses between +his wife and his chapel and does execution on the latter. He goes +out into the storm and sets the thing alight. His conscience is thus +purified by fire, the gale being favourable to arson. + +It is a pity that so excellent an object as a brick chapel should be +the evil genius of the play. Yet so it is. Built of the materials of +Scandinavian drama, it is always just round the corner, heavy with +doom. We never see it, but we hear more than enough about it, and in +the end it becomes a bore which we are well rid of. + +The theme of the perils of foster-motherhood is not new, but Mrs. +MERRICK has treated it freshly and with a very decent avoidance of its +strictly sexual aspects. But her methods are too sedentary. She kept +on with her atmosphere long after we knew the details of the cottage +interior by heart; while a whole volume of active tragedy--_Mary's_ +six months in London--was left to our fevered imagination. And the +sense of reality which she was at such pains to create was spoiled by +dialogue freely carried on in the immediate vicinity of persons who +were not supposed to overhear it. + +The chief attraction of _Mary-Girl_ (a silly title) was the engaging +personality of Miss MAY BLAYNEY. Always a fascinating figure to watch, +she showed an extraordinary sensitiveness of voice and expression. +As for that honest and admirable actor, Mr. MCKINNEL, who made the +perfect foil to her charms that every good husband should wish to +be, he seems never to tire of playing these stern, dour, semi-brutal +parts. That more genial characters are open to him his success in +_Great Catherine_ showed. Miss MARY BROUGH, as a charwoman, supplied a +rare need with her richly-flavoured humour and its clipped sentences. +All the rest did themselves justice. Miss HELEN FERRERS was a shade +more aristocratic than the aristocrat of stage tradition; and it +was not the fault of Miss DOROTHY FANE (as her daughter, _Lady +Folkington_) that she was required to behave incredibly in the +presence of her inferiors. I have not much to say for the manners +of Society in its own circles; but it is probably at its best in its +intercourse with humbler neighbours. Mrs. MERRICK's picture of the +_Countess_ on a visit to the _Sheppards'_ cottage might have been +designed for a poster of the Land Campaign. + +There was no dissenting note, I am glad to say, in the reception of +Mrs. MERRICK's charming self when she appeared after the fall of the +curtain. + +"A pretty authoress!" said an actress in the stalls. + +"Is that your comment on the play?" I asked. + +"Yes!" she said. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "Her Majesty was accompanied by Princess Henry and + John."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +Where was Lord SAYE AND SELE? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "COME, COME, SIR! THAT'S THE HORSE WE KEEP FOR QUITE +YOUNG CHILDREN! HE WANTS TO _PLAY_ WITH YOU, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST STRAW. + + I sing the sofa! It had stood for years, + An invitation to benign repose, + A foe to all the fretful brood of fears, + Bidding the weary eye-lid sink and close. + Massive and deep and broad it was and bland-- + In short the noblest sofa in the land. + + You, too, my friend, my solid friend, I sing, + Whom on an afternoon I did behold + Eying--'twas after lunch--the cushioned thing, + And murmuring gently, "Here are realms of gold, + And I shall visit them," you said, "and be + The sofa's burden till it's time for tea." + + "Let those who will go forth," you said, "and dare, + Beyond the cluster of the little shops, + To strain their limbs and take the eager air, + Seeking the heights of Hedsor and its copse. + I shall abide and watch the far-off gleams + Of fairy beacons from the world of dreams." + + Then forth we fared, and you, no doubt, lay down, + An easy victim to the sofa's charms, + Forgetting hopes of fame and past renown, + Lapped in those padded and alluring arms. + "How well," you said, and veiled your heavy eyes, + "It slopes to suit me! This is Paradise." + + So we adventured to the topmost hill, + And, when the sunset shot the sky with red, + Homeward returned and found you taking still + Deep draughts of peace with pillows 'neath your head. + "His sleep," said one, "has been unduly long." + Another said, "Let's bring and beat the gong." + + "Gongs," said a third and gazed with looks intent + At the full sofa, "are not adequate. + There fits some dread, some heavy, punishment + For one who sleeps with such a dreadful weight. + Behold with me," he moaned, "a scene accurst. + The springs are broken and the sofa's burst!" + + Too true! Too true! Beneath you on the floor + Lay blent in ruin all the obscure things + That were the sofa's strength, a scattered store + Of tacks and battens and protruded springs. + Through the rent ticking they had all been spilt, + Mute proofs and mournful of your weight and guilt. + + And you? You slept as sweetly as a child, + And when you woke you recked not of your shame, + But babbled greetings, stretched yourself and smiled + From that eviscerated sofa's frame, + Which, flawless erst, was now one mighty flaw + Through the addition of yourself as straw. + + R.C.L. + + * * * * * + + "A really acceptable present for a lady is a nice piece + of artificial hair, as, when not absolutely necessary, it + is always useful and ornamental."--_Advt. in "Aberdeen + Free Press."_ + +Still, it might be misunderstood. + + * * * * * + + "Theologians and mystics might say, 'Is that not mere + anthropomrhpism?'"--_Mr. BALFOUR according to "The Daily + Mail."_ + +But a Welshman would say it best. + + * * * * * + + "An aggressive minority succeeded in showing that the + Little Navy-ites do not represent the bulk of public + opinion."--_Daily Express_. + +It is, of course, always the aggressive minority which really +represents the bulk of public opinion. + + * * * * * + +A BYGONE. + +When I see the white-haired and venerable Thompson standing behind my +equally white-haired but much less venerable father at dinner, exuding +an atmosphere of worth and uprightness and checking by his mere silent +presence the more flippant tendencies of our conversation; when I hear +him whisper into my youthful son's ear, "Sherry, Sir?" in the voice of +a tolerant teetotaler who would not force his principles upon any man +but hopes sincerely that this one will say No; and when I am informed +that he promised our bootboy a rapid and inevitable descent to a state +of infamy and destitution upon discovering no more than the fag end of +a cigarette behind his ear, then I am tempted to recall an incident of +fifteen years back, lest it be forgotten that Thompson is a man like +ourselves who has known, and even owned, a human weakness. + +Dinner had begun on that eventful evening at 7.30 P.M., and it was +drawing within sight of a conclusion, that is, the sweet had been +eaten and the savoury was overdue, at 9.45 P.M. Four of us had trailed +thus far through this critical meal: my father, a usually patient +widower who was becoming more than restless; the Robinsons, never a +jocund brace of guests, who were by now positively sullen, and myself +who, being but a boy--of twenty odd years and having little enough to +say to a woman of fifty-five and her still more antique husband, had +long ago settled down to a determined silence. Meanwhile Thompson, +then in his first year of service with us, tarried mysteriously heaven +knows where. + +The intervals of preparation before each course had been growing +longer and longer and the pause before the savoury threatened to be +infinite. My father commanded me to ring the bell severely. Longing to +escape from the table I did so with emphasis, and my ring summoned (to +our surprise, for we were not aware of her existence in the house) a +slightly soiled kitchen-maid. + +"Where is Thompson?" asked my father sternly. + +"At the telephone, Sir," stammered the maid. + +"The telephone!" cried my father. "Whatever is the matter?" + +The maid started to mumble an explanation, burst into tears and fled +in alarm, never again to emerge from the back regions. My father +commanded me to the bell again, but as I rose Thompson entered. He was +even then a stately and dignified person, and it was with a measured +tread and slow that he advanced upon my father. + +"Will you please serve the savoury at once?" said my father. + +"I am afraid it cannot be done, Sir," said Thompson. "May I explain, +Sir?" + +"What is the meaning of this?" asked my father, fearing some terrible +disaster below stairs, and sacrificing politeness to his guests with +the hope of saving lives in the kitchen. + +Thompson cleared his throat.--"For some weeks, Sir," he said, "I have +been much worried with financial affairs. Like a fool I have invested +all my savings in speculative shares, and the variations of the market +have unduly depressed me. When I am depressed I take no food, and that +depresses me even more." + +You will be as surprised as we were that this was allowed to continue, +but when a man of so few words as Thompson chooses to come out of +his shell he is always master of the situation. "And so, Sir," he +continued, "I have taken the liberty of telephoning to the mews for +a cab." + +He paused and bowed, as if this made it all clear, and was about +to withdraw. "Kindly finish serving dinner at once, and don't be +impudent," my father got out at last. + +Thompson sighed. "It is absolutely out of the question, Sir," said he. +"Quite, quite impossible." + +"Why on earth?" cried my father. + +Thompson became, if possible, more solemn and deliberate than before. +"I am drunk, Sir," said he. + +At this point Mrs. Robinson, whose indignation had slowly been +swelling within her, rose and left the room. Robinson, as in duty +bound, followed. Neither of them, to my infinite joy, has ever +returned... + +"Depressed by want of food, Sir," continued Thompson, by sheer duress +preventing my father from following his guests and attempting to +pacify them, "I have taken to spirits. I do not like the taste of +spirits and they go at once to my head. They depress me further, Sir, +but they intoxicate me. Yes, I am undoubtedly tipsy." + +My father seized the opportunity of his pause for reflection to order +him to leave the room and present himself in the morning when he was +sober. + +"You dismiss us without notice, Sir," he stated, referring to himself +and his wife in the kitchen. "First thing in the morning we go. And so +I have ordered the cab to take us." + +This was a very proper fate for Thompson but came a little hard on my +father. "But what am _I_ to do?" asked he. + +Thompson regarded him with a desultory smile. "The Mews desires to +know, Sir," said he, "who will pay for the cab?" + +I ought to be able to state that there followed with the cold light +of day an apology, with passionate tears and remorse, from Thompson, +or at least a severe reprimand from my father before he consented to +keep him on. I regret to say that my father, next morning, postponed +the interview till the evening, and from the evening till the next +morning, and--that interview is still pending. If this seems weak, you +have only to see Thompson to realize that no man with any sense of the +incongruous could even mention the word "Drink" in his presence. + +As for the cab which Thompson had ordered, though we never saw it we +later heard all about it. It went to the wrong house because, as the +proprietor of the mews informed us with shame and regret, the driver +entrusted with the order had been very much under the influence of +alcohol. Altogether it is a sordid tale, made no better by the fact +that the house which the drunken driver chose to go to and insult was +the Robinsons'... + + * * * * * + +LOVE AT THE CINEMA. + + Inert I watched the Hero sacked + For lapses clearly not his own; + The midnight murder on the cliff, + The wonted ante-nuptial tiff, + The orange-blossoms, bored me stiff. + The picture-hall was simply packed, + But I was all alone. + + Alone! Two little hours could span + The gloom that bound me stark and grim + (No melancholy pierced me through + Before the 7.32 + Had ravished Barbara from view), + And yet I brooked it like a man + Until I noticed HIM. + + He sat extravagantly near + His Heart's Delight. To my distress, + When temporary twilight fell, + He squeezed her hand (and squeezed it well!), + Possessed her waist, and in that shell, + That damask shell she calls an ear, + Breathed words of tenderness. + + The blood ran riot to my head + And still I held my madness thrall, + My lips repressed the frenzied shriek, + My straining heart was stout as teak; + But, when he kissed her mantling cheek, + I broke--and two attendants led + Me wailing from the hall. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LOST CHRISTMAS PRESENT. + +_Maid_ (_to postman delivering long-delayed parcel_). "WHAT IS IT?" + +_Postman_. "LABEL SAYS, 'WILD DUCKS,' BUT THEY'RE 'UMMING-BIRDS NOW".] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +There is at least one thing that will surprise you about _It Happened +in Egypt_ (METHUEN), and that is that, although C.N. and A.M. +WILLIAMSON are the writers, motor-cars are hardly so much as mentioned +throughout. It is a tale of the Nile and the Desert, of camels and +caravans, told with a quite extraordinary power of making you feel +that you have visited the scenes described. But this, of course, +if you have any previous experience of the WILLIAMSON method, will +not surprise you at all. As for the story that strings the scenes +together, though it promised well, with almost every possible element +of fictional excitement--buried treasure, and spies, and abductions, +and secrets--somehow the result was not wholly up to the expectation +thus created. To borrow an appropriate simile, the great thrill +remained something of a mirage, always in sight and never actually +reached. Also I wish to record my passionate protest against stories +of treasure-trove in which the treasure is not taken away in sacks and +used to enrich the hunters; I am all against leaving it underground, +for whatever charming and romantic reasons. No, it is not so much as +a novel of adventure that might have happened pretty well anywhere +that I advise you to read this book, but as a super-guide to scenes +and sensations that happen in Egypt and nowhere else. From the moment +when, as one of the WILLIAMSON party, you sit down to breakfast on the +terrace of Shepherd's, till you take leave of your fellow-travellers +in the mountain-tomb of QUEEN CANDACE, you will enjoy the nearest +possible approach to a luxurious Egyptian tour, under delightful +guidance, and at an inclusive fare of six shillings. + + * * * * * + +Mr. SETON GORDON is a bold man. It is one thing to call a book +_The Charm of the Hills_ (CASSELL) and quite another to succeed in +conveying that charm through the medium of the printed word. Perhaps, +however, he was encouraged by the success that has already attended +these pen-pictures of Highland scenes in serial form; certainly he +knew also that he had another source of strength in a collection of +the most fascinating photographs of mountain scenery and wild life, +nearly a hundred of which are reproduced in the present volume. So +that what Mr. GORDON the writer fails to convey about his favourite +haunts (which is not much) Mr. GORDON the photographer is ready +to supply. The papers, which range in subject from ptarmigan to +cairngorms, are written with an engaging simplicity and directness, +and show a sympathetic knowledge of wild nature such as is the +reward only of long familiarity. The glorious mountain wind +blows through them all, so that as you read you feel the heather +brushing your knees, and see the clouds massing on the peaks of +Ben-something-or-other. Perhaps Mr. GORDON is at his most interesting +on the subject of the Golden Eagle. There are many striking snapshots +of the king of birds in his royal home; and some stories of court +life in an eyrie that are fresh and enthralling. One thing that I was +specially glad to learn on so good authority is that the Golden Eagle, +so far from being threatened with extinction, is actually increasing +in the deer forests of the North. This is intelligence as welcome as +it is nowadays unusual. The book, which is published at 10s. 6d. net, +is dedicated "to one who loves the glens and corries of the hills"; +and all who answer to this description should be grateful to the +writer for his delightful record. + + * * * * * + +Goodness knows that of all London's teeming millions I am the +possessor of the most easily curdled blood, but my flesh declined +to creep an inch from the first page to the last of _Animal Ghosts_ +(RIDER). I think it was Mr. ELLIOTT O'DONNELL's way of telling +his stories that was responsible for my indifference. He is so +incorrigibly reticent. His idea of a well-told ghost story runs on +these lines:--"In the year 189--, in the picturesque village of +C----, hard by the manufacturing town of L----, there lived a wealthy +gentleman named T---- with his cousin F---- and two friends M---- +and R----." I simply refuse to take any interest in the spectres of +initials, still less in the spectres of the domestic pets of initials. +I am no bigot; by all means deny your ghost his prerogative of +clanking chains and rattling bones; but there are certain points on +which I do take a firm stand, and this matter of initials is one of +them. Not one of these stories is convincing. Mr. O'DONNELL taps +you on the chest and whispers hoarsely, "As I stood there my blood +congealed, I could scarcely breathe. My scalp bristled;" and you, +if you are like me, hide a yawn and say, "No, really?" There is a +breezy carelessness, too, about his methods which kills a story. He +distinctly states, for instance, that the story of the "Headless Cat +of No. ----, Lower Seedley Street, Manchester," was told to him by a +Mr. ROBERT DANE. In the first half of the narrative this gentleman's +brother-in-law addresses him as _Jack_, and later on his wife says to +him, "Oh, _Edward_." What a man whose own Christian name is so much a +matter of opinion has to say about seeing headless cats does not seem +to me to be evidence. + + * * * * * + +There seems to be an increasing public for the volume of reflections. +At all events Mr. REGINALD LUCAS, who has already two or three +successes in this kind to his credit, has been encouraged to produce +another, to which he has given the pleasant title of _The Measure of +our Thoughts_ (HUMPHREYS). It is, of course, difficult to be critical +with a book like this; either it pleases the reader or it doesn't, and +that is about all that can be said. One reason for my belief that Mr. +LUCAS's _Thoughts_ will please is that he has put them into the brain +of a definitely conceived and very well drawn character. They are told +in the form of letters by this character to his old tutor. The writer +is supposed to be the rather unattractive and self-conscious eldest +son of a noble house, who suffers from the presence of a father and +sister who think him a fool, and a brother whose charm is a continual +and painful contrast to his own lack of it. The special skill of the +letters is their self-revelation, which brings out the pathos of the +writer's position, while at the same time showing quite clearly the +defects that explained it. Mr. LUCAS, in short, does not commit the +error of making his hero merely a mute, misunderstood paragon, whom +anyone with common penetration must have recognised as such. On the +contrary, we sympathise with him, especially in the big tragedy of +his life, while quite admitting that to any casual acquaintance he +must have appeared only a dull and uninteresting egoist. This I call +clever, because it shows that Mr. LUCAS has created a real thinker, +rather than striven to give him any unusual profundity of thought. An +agreeable book. + + * * * * * + +In the sixteenth chapter of the First Part of _The Rocks of Valpré_ +(FISHER UNWIN) _Trevor Mordaunt_ married _Christine Wyndham_, and on +the last page (which is the 511th) of the book, "she opened to him the +doors of her soul, and drew him within...." Granted that _Mordaunt_, +with the eyes of steel, was not exactly an oncoming man and that when +he married _Christine_ he received, as wedding presents, two or three +brothers-in-law who sponged hopelessly upon him, I still think that +Miss ETHEL DELL has given us too detailed an account of the domestic +differences between _Mordaunt_ and his wife. For my own part I became +frankly tired of the pecuniary crises of the _Wyndhams_ and of their +incurable inability to tell the truth. Had _Mordaunt_ got up and given +these feckless brethren a sound hiding I should have been relieved, +but he preferred to make them squirm by using his steely eyes. In +the future I suggest to Miss DELL that she should leave these strong +silent men alone. They have had their day and gone out of vogue. The +best part of this book, and indeed the best work Miss DELL has yet +done, is her treatment of the romantic friendship between _Christine_ +and _Bertrand de Montville_. It is handled so touchingly and so +surely that I resent with all the more peevishness the banality of the +steel-eyed one. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE OF THE FEW HISTORIC MANSIONS OF ENGLAND WHERE QUEEN +ELIZABETH DID _NOT_ SLEEP.] + + * * * * * + + "His lordship dismissed the application, with costs, and the + jury found in his favour, assessing the damages at £1,000." + +We should like to be a Judge. It seems to be easy and well-paid work. + + * * * * * + +From the synopsis of a Singapore play--just the last scene or two:-- + + "Samion, after going through Nyai Dasima's fortune, + maltreated her, and told her to leave his protection. He also + commissioned a wicked man called Puasa to murder Nyai Dasima. + Puasa murdered Dasima, and throw her body into a river. The + corpse of Dasima floated and entangled in the bathing-place + of William. William, seeing this, at once reported to the + Police of Dasima's death. Puasa and others were arrested and + imprisoned. The Judge investigated the case, and Puasa was + sentenced to be hanged. Samion got mad and died. Mah Buyong + also got mad." + +And so home to bed. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 21, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12465 *** diff --git a/12465-h/12465-h.htm b/12465-h/12465-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..156eb4b --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/12465-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2583 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, January 21, 1914.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12465 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 146.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 21, 1914.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" + id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/41.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="caption" + width="100%"> + <tr> + <td width="33%">"NOT VERY SPORTING LINKS, ARE + THEY?"</td> + + <td width="34%">EVEN EARTHQUAKES HAVE THEIR + USE.</td> + + <td width="33%">"AH, THAT'LL MAKE BETTER + GOLF."</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>MAJOR-GENERAL LEONARD WOOD, chief of the U.S.A. General + Staff, has reported that the American Army is, practically + speaking, unarmed, and advises the immediate expenditure of + £1,200,000 for artillery and ammunition. We fancy, + however, that the present state of affairs is the result of a + compromise with the American Peace party, who will not object + to their country having an army so long as it is unarmed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"VICTORY FOR THE ORANGE WOMEN.</p> + + <p>DRURY LANE INSTITUTION TO CONTINUE."</p> + + <p>This should put heart into the Orange Men of Ulster.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We hear that, to celebrate the recent glorious victory in + Alsace, the little town of Zabern is to be re-named + Säbeln.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Rev. N. FITZPATRICK, describing a visit to the Balkan + States in a lecture at the Camera Club, spoke of the + difficulties he had with his laundry. The same bundle of + clothes was soaked in Roumania, rough-dried in Bulgaria, and + ironed in Servia. We are astonished that the lecturer should + have made no mention of mangling, which we understand is done + well in the Balkan States.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The KAISER, we are told, has given instructions that his + <i>menus</i> are in future to be written in German. What, by + the way, <i>is</i> the French for <i>Sauerkraut</i>?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. ARCHIBALD, a member of the Australian House of + Representatives, has calculated that the value of the property + of the five million inhabitants of the Commonwealth is + £780,000,000. We cannot but think it is a mistake to + divulge the fact with so many dishonest people about.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>I do like your eyes</i> is the latest bright thought for + a Revue title. To be followed, no doubt, by <i>Her nose isn't + bad, is it?</i> and <i>What's wrong with her toes?</i></p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"FRENCH BATTLESHIP DROPPED."</p> + + <p><i>Pall Mall Gazette</i>.</p> + + <p>Very careless of someone.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Reading that one of the features of the new British + battleship class will be less draught, Aunt Caroline remarked + that she was glad to hear this: she had always understood that + during even half a gale it was very easy to catch cold at + sea.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Sir RUFUS ISAACS has decided to take the title of Lord + READING. This still leaves it open to a distinguished literary + man, should he be made a peer, to become Lord Writing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The age of pleasure! Where will it stop? Extract from <i>The + Witney Gazette</i>:—"On Monday evening a very successful + dance was given in the Corn Exchange ... The company numbered + over one hundred, and dancing to the strains of Taylor's Oxford + Scarlet Band was enjoyed till the early hours of Wednesday + morning."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>While Police Constable JAKEMAN was in Eldon Road, Reading, + last week, a cat suddenly pounced on him and bit him. We have + not yet received a full account of the incident, but apparently + the constable was on detective duty and cleverly disguised as a + mouse.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>One of the cats shown at the Grand Championship Cat Show had + her fur cut and trimmed like a poodle's. The matter has been + much discussed in canine circles, and we understand that there + may be trouble.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An express train travelling from Nice to Macon was, last + week, beaten by an eagle, which raced it over a distance of + eighteen miles. Birds are evidently being put upon their mettle + by the aeroplanes.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Alleged notice outside Drury Lane:—</p> + + <table summary="Headline" + align="center" + border="1"> + <tr> + <td align="center">SLEEPING BEAUTY.<br /> + <br /> + N.B.—CHAUFFEURS ARE KINDLY<br /> + REQUESTED NOT TO HOOT<br /> + WHEN PASSING.</td> + </tr> + </table> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From Paris comes the news that a successor to the Tango has + been found in the form of a Chinese dance known as the Tatao. + The name, presumably, is a contraction of the words "Ta-ta, + Tango."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A new character named "It" appears in the revival of <i>The + Darling of the Gods</i>. We presume it is The Limit.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The manager of the Little Theatre is making arrangements for + shilling seats for the first time in the history of the house. + How is it going to be done? By <i>Magic</i>, of course.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The Shepherdess without a Heart" continues to make good + progress, and the medical profession is much interested.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" + id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + + <h2>A FAREWELL TOUR.</h2> + + <p>This is positively Chum's last appearance in print—for + his own sake no less than for yours. He is conceited enough as + it is, but if once he got to know that people are always + writing about him in the papers his swagger would be + unbearable. However, I have said good-bye to him now; I have no + longer any rights in him. Yesterday I saw him off to his new + home, and when we meet again it will be on a different footing. + "Is that your dog?" I shall say to his master. "What is he? A + Cocker? Jolly little fellows, aren't they? I had one myself + once."</p> + + <p>As Chum refused to do the journey across London by himself, + I met him at Liverpool Street. He came up in a crate; the world + must have seemed very small to him on the way. "Hallo, old + ass," I said to him through the bars, and in the little space + they gave him he wriggled his body with delight. "Thank Heaven + there's <i>one</i> of 'em alive," he said.</p> + + <p>"I think this is my dog," I said to the guard, and I told + him my name.</p> + + <p>He asked for my card.</p> + + <p>"I'm afraid I haven't one with me," I explained. When + policemen touch me on the shoulder and ask me to go quietly; + when I drag old gentlemen from underneath motor-'buses, and + they decide to adopt me on the spot; on all the important + occasions when one really wants a card, I never have one with + me.</p> + + <p>"Can't give him up without proof of identity," said the + guard, and Chum grinned at the idea of being thought so + valuable.</p> + + <p>I felt in my pockets for letters. There was only one, but it + offered to lend me £10,000 on my note of hand alone. It + was addressed to "Dear Sir," and though I pointed out to the + guard that I was the "Sir," he still kept tight hold of Chum. + Strange that one man should be prepared to trust me with + £10,000, and another should be so chary of confiding to + me a small black spaniel.</p> + + <p>"Tell the gentleman who I am," I said imploringly through + the bars. "Show him you know me."</p> + + <p>"He's <i>really</i> all right," said Chum, looking at the + guard with his great honest brown eyes. "He's been with us for + years."</p> + + <p>And then I had an inspiration. I turned down the inside + pocket of my coat; and there, stitched into it, was the label + of my tailor's with my name written on it. I had often wondered + why tailors did this; obviously they know how stupid guards can + be.</p> + + <p>"I suppose that's all right," said the guard reluctantly. Of + course I might have stolen the coat. I see his point.</p> + + <p>"You—you wouldn't like a nice packing case for + yourself?" I said timidly. "You see, I thought I'd put Chum on + the lead. I've got to take him to Paddington, and he must be + tired of his shell by now. It isn't as if he were <i>really</i> + an armadillo."</p> + + <p>The guard thought he would like a shilling and a nice + packing case. Wood, he agreed, was always wood, particularly in + winter, but there were times when you were not ready for + it.</p> + + <p>"How are you taking him?" he asked, getting to work with a + chisel. "Underground?"</p> + + <p>"Underground?" I cried in horror. "Take Chum on the + Underground? Take—Have you ever taken a large live + conger-eel on the end of a string into a crowded carriage?"</p> + + <p>The guard never had.</p> + + <p>"Well, don't. Take him in a taxi instead. Don't waste him on + other people."</p> + + <p>The crate yawned slowly, and Chum emerged all over straw. We + had an anxious moment, but the two of us got him down and put + the lead on him. Then Chum and I went off for a taxi.</p> + + <p>"Hooray," said Chum, wriggling all over, "isn't this + splendid? I say, which way are you going? I'm going this + way?... No, I mean the other way."</p> + + <p>Somebody had left some of his milk-cans on the platform. + Three times we went round one in opposite directions and + unwound ourselves the wrong way. Then I hauled him in, took him + struggling in my arms and got into a cab.</p> + + <p>The journey to Paddington was full of interest. For a whole + minute Chum stood quietly on the seat, rested his fore-paws on + the open window and drank in London. Then he jumped down and + went mad. He tried to hang me with the lead, and then in + remorse tried to hang himself. He made a dash for the little + window at the back; missed it and dived out of the window at + the side; was hauled back and kissed me ecstatically, in the + eye with his sharpest tooth ... "And I thought the world was at + an end," he said, "and there were no more people. Oh, I am an + ass. I say, did you notice I'd had my hair cut? How do you like + my new trousers? I must show you them." He jumped on to my lap. + "No, I think you'll see them better on the ground," he said, + and jumped down again. "Or no, perhaps you <i>would</i> get a + better view if—" he jumped up hastily, "and yet I don't + know—" he dived down, "though of course, if you—Oh + lor! this <i>is</i> a day," and he put both paws lovingly on my + collar.</p> + + <p>Suddenly he was quiet again. The stillness, the absence of + storm in the taxi was so unnatural that I began to miss it. + "Buck up, old fool," I said, but he sat motionless by my side, + plunged in thought. I tried to cheer him up. I pointed out + King's Cross to him; he wouldn't even bark at it. I called his + attention to the poster outside the Euston Theatre of The Two + Biffs; for all the regard he showed he might never even have + heard of them. The monumental masonry by Portland Road failed + to uplift him.</p> + + <p>At Baker Street he woke up and grinned cheerily. "It's all + right," he said, "I was trying to remember what happened to me + this morning—something rather-miserable, I thought, but I + can't get hold of it. However it's all right now. How are + <i>you</i>?" And he went mad again.</p> + + <p>At Paddington I bought a label at the bookstall and wrote it + for him. He went round and round my leg looking for me. "Funny + thing," he said as he began to unwind, "he was here a moment + ago. I'll just go round once more. I rather think ... + <i>Ow!</i> Oh, there you are!" I stepped off him, unravelled + the lead and dragged him to the Parcels Office.</p> + + <p>"I want to send this by the two o'clock train," I said to + the man the other side of the counter.</p> + + <p>"Send what?" he said.</p> + + <p>I looked down. Chum was making himself very small and black + in the shadow of the counter. He was completely hidden from the + sight of anybody the other side of it.</p> + + <p>"Come out," I said, "and show yourself."</p> + + <p>"Not much," he said. "A parcel! I'm not going to be a jolly + old parcel for anybody."</p> + + <p>"It's only a way of speaking," I pleaded. "Actually you are + travelling as a small black gentleman. You will go with the + guard—a delightful man."</p> + + <p>Chum came out reluctantly. The clerk leant over the counter + and managed to see him.</p> + + <p>"According to our regulations," he said, and I always + dislike people who begin like that, "he has to be on a chain. A + leather lead won't do."</p> + + <p>Chum smiled all over himself. I don't know which pleased him + more—the suggestion that he was a very large and fierce + dog, or the impossibility now of his travelling with the guard, + delightful man though he might be. He gave himself a shake and + started for the door.</p> + + <p>"Tut, tut, it's a great disappointment to me," he said, + trying to look disappointed, but his back <i>would</i> wriggle. + "This chain business—silly of us not</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" + id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/43.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE BLACK MAN'S BURDEN.</h3>REFRAIN BY NATIVES OF SOUTH + AFRICA AND KIKUYU. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" + id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/45.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Kindly Hostess</i> (<i>to nervous + reciter who has broken down in "The Charge of the + Light Brigade"</i>). "NEVER MIND MR. TOMPKINS, JUST + TELL US IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>to have known—well, well, we shall be wiser another + time. Now let's go home."</p> + + <p>Poor old Chum; I <i>had</i> known. From a large coat pocket + I produced a chain.</p> + + <p>"<i>Dash</i> it," said Chum, looking up at me pathetically, + "you might almost <i>want</i> to get rid of me."</p> + + <p>He was chained, and the label tied on to him. Forgive me + that label, Chum; I think that was the worst offence of all. + And why should I label one who was speaking so eloquently for + himself; who said from the tip of his little black nose to the + end of his stumpy black tail, "I'm a silly old ass, but there's + nothing wrong in me, and they're sending me away!" But + according to the regulations—one must obey the + regulations, Chum.</p> + + <p>I gave him to the guard—a delightful man. The guard + and I chained him to a brake or something. Then the guard went + away, and Chum and I had a little talk ...</p> + + <p>After that the train went off.</p> + + <p>Good-bye, little dog. A.A.M.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady Strachie wishes to thoroughly recommend her + permanent Caretaker and Husband."—<i>Advt. in + "Morning Post."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Lord STRACHIE should be a proud man to-day.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW GREAT MEN SHOW EMOTION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Mr. HANDEL BOOTH, speaking in Hyde Park recently, + declared that, when he informed Lord ABERDEEN of the + conduct of the police during the Dublin riots, the Lord + Lieutenant "buried his head in his hands."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. Leo Maxixe, writing in <i>The Irrational Review</i>, + states that he has it on the best authority that when the + GERMAN EMPEROR read the Criccieth New Year's interview with Mr. + LLOYD GEORGE he exclaimed, "This beats the Tango," and fell + heavily on the hearthrug.</p> + + <p>Mr. James Larvin, addressing a meeting of the Confederates + at the Saveloy Hotel, informed his hearers that when Mr. + WINSTON CHURCHILL read the article in <i>The Daily Mail</i> on + his future he stood on his head in the corner for three + minutes, to the great embarrassment of Sir FRANCIS HOPWOOD, who + was present.</p> + + <p>Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, writing in <i>The British + Weekly</i>, asserts that when Mr. MASSINGHAM read "C.K.S.'s" + recent reference to <i>The Nation</i> in <i>The Sphere</i> he + kicked the waste-paper basket round the room and tore the hair + out of his head in handfuls.</p> + + <p>Mr. CECIL CHESTERTON, addressing a meeting of non-party + fishmongers at Billingsgate last week, stated that he had heard + that when Mr. GODFREY ISAACS informed the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE + that Mr. HANDEL BOOTH had retired from the Dublin Police + Inquiry Lord READING OF EARLEY burst into tears and hid his + face in his wig.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Why Mr. Chesterton shuns the Isle of Wight.</h3> + + <p>Extract from local time-table:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"10.45 a.m. Motor Service between Freshwater and Newport + for light passengers only."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Referring to the plea of Dr. Budge, the poet laureate, + for purer English, a writer in the 'Daily Chronicle' + says...."—<i>Glasgow Evening Citizen</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Purer spelling of names is what the POET LAUREATE would + really like to see.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It was very touching of <i>The Evening News</i> to give so + much space to the distressing story of the real Duchess who + could not get a seat at Olympia—(surely they might have + thrown out a common person to make room for her?)—but it + was tactless to go on:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'If you will bring me a couple of chairs,' said the + duchess, 'I will sit down in the gangway with the greatest + pleasure.'"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It makes one wonder which of our larger duchesses it + was.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" + id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> + + <h2>THE HOUSE OF PUNCH.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[He "married a princess of the House of + Punch."—<i>Excerpt front an account of the life of a + former King of Kashmir</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hail, Master, and accept the news I bring.</p> + + <p class="i4">I come to make a solemn mystery + clear,</p> + + <p>One that affects you deeply; for I sing</p> + + <p class="i8">Of a most ancient king</p> + + <p class="i2">Nine hundred years ago in fair + Kashmir,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who yearned towards a bride, + and—hear, oh hear,</p> + + <p>Lord of the reboant nose and classic + hunch—</p> + + <p>"Married a princess of the House of Punch."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, you are royal, as one might have seen.</p> + + <p class="i4">The loftiness of your despotic sway,</p> + + <p>Your strange aloofness and unearthly mien</p> + + <p class="i8">(Yet regal) might have been</p> + + <p class="i2">A full assurance of monarchic clay.</p> + + <p class="i2">Had but the fates run kindly, at this + day</p> + + <p>Yourself should be a king of orient fame,</p> + + <p>Chief of the princely house that bears your + name.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Methinks I see you at it. I can see</p> + + <p class="i4">A shamiana<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + loftily upreared</p> + + <p>Beneath a banyan (or banana) tree,</p> + + <p class="i8">Whichever it may be,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where, with bright turban and vermilion + beard</p> + + <p class="i2">(A not unfrequent sight, and very + weird),</p> + + <p>You sit at peace; a small boy, doubly bowed,</p> + + <p>Acts as your footstool and, though stiff, is + proud.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fragrant with Champak scents the warm wind sighs</p> + + <p class="i4">Heavily, faintly, languorously fanned</p> + + <p>By drowsy peacock-plumes—to keep the flies</p> + + <p class="i8">From your full nose and eyes—</p> + + <p class="i2">Waved from behind you, where on either + hand</p> + + <p class="i2">Two silent slaves of Nubian polish + stand,</p> + + <p>Whose patent-leather visages reflect</p> + + <p>The convex day, with mirror-like effect.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Robed in a garment of the choicest spoil</p> + + <p class="i4">Of Persian looms, you sit apart to + deal</p> + + <p>Grace to the suppliant and reward for toil,</p> + + <p class="i8">T'abase the proud, and boil</p> + + <p class="i2">The malefactor, till upon you steal</p> + + <p class="i2">Mild qualms suggestive of the mid-day + meal;</p> + + <p>And, then, what plump, what luscious fruits are + those?</p> + + <p>What goblets of what vintage? Goodness knows.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Gladly would I pursue this glowing dream,</p> + + <p class="i4">To sing of deeds of chivalry and + sport,</p> + + <p>Of cushioned dalliance in the soft hareem</p> + + <p class="i8">(A really splendid theme),</p> + + <p class="i2">The pundits and tame poets at your + court,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all such pride, but I must keep it + short.</p> + + <p>Once let me off upon a thing so bright,</p> + + <p>And I should hardly stop without a fight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now you stand plain Mister; and, no doubt,</p> + + <p class="i4">Would have for choice this visioned pomp + untold.</p> + + <p>Yet, Sire, I beg you, cast such musings out;</p> + + <p class="i8">Put not yourself about</p> + + <p class="i2">For a vain dream. If I may make so + bold,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your present lot should keep you well + consoled.</p> + + <p>You still are great, and have, when all is done,</p> + + <p>A fine old Eastern smack, majestic One.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The vassals of your fathers were but few</p> + + <p class="i4">Compared with yours, who move the whole + world wide;</p> + + <p>You still can splash an oriental hue,</p> + + <p class="i8">Red, yellow, green or blue,</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon a fresh and various outside;</p> + + <p class="i2">While you support—perhaps your + greatest pride</p> + + <p>High pundits for your intellectual feast,</p> + + <p>And some tame bards, of whom I am the least.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>DUM-DUM.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>Tent</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>GIVEN AWAY.</h2> + + <p>A correspondent of <i>The Times</i> writes:—"The + <i>Niva</i>, the <i>Russian Family Herald</i>, promises to + annual subscribers, in addition to a copy of the paper every + week—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The complete works of Korolenko in twenty-five + volumes.</p> + + <p>The complete works of Edmond Rostand.</p> + + <p>The complete works of Maikof.</p> + + <p>A literary supplement every month.</p> + + <p>A fashion book.</p> + + <p>A book of patterns of fancy-work designs.</p> + + <p>A tear-off calendar for 1914,"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>and adds, "Where does English or American journalistic + enterprise stand beside this?"</p> + + <p>We understand that our more enterprising contemporaries have + no intention of allowing this question to remain unanswered, + and the wildest rumours are afloat as to the nature of the + gifts which will be offered next year to annual subscribers by + various British journals.</p> + + <p>With a view to test the accuracy of these rumours our + Special Representative called yesterday upon the Editors of + several leading publications, and, although much secrecy is + still maintained, he has succeeded in collecting some valuable + information. For instance, the report that <i>The Nineteenth + Century and After</i> would include among its gifts the + dramatic works of the MELVILLE BROS., <i>HOW to Dance the + Tango</i>, and <i>Sweeter than Honey</i>, a novel with a strong + love interest, lacks confirmation; nor are we in a position to + assert definitely that <i>The Spectator</i> will present a + beautiful coloured supplement, entitled "Susie's Pet Pup," and + a handsome mug bearing the inscription: "A Present from Loo," + though we believe that such may be the case.</p> + + <p>On the other hand, <i>The Times'</i> reply to an inquiry as + to whether they would present to each reader half a ton of + supplements was that they had done so for some years past; and + <i>The Daily Mirror</i> did not deny that they were considering + the proposal to present a framed copy of the portrait of John + Tiffinch which appeared in their issue of February 29, 1913. + (Tiffinch, our readers will remember, was brother-in-law to the + man who discovered the great emerald robbery.)</p> + + <p><i>The British Medical Journal's</i> list will include the + works of GEORGE BERNARD SHAW and the Life of Mrs. EDDY; but the + report that <i>The Tailor and Cutter</i> would present <i>Wild + Tribes of Central Africa</i> is emphatically denied.</p> + + <p>Finally, <i>The Boxing World</i> had not thought of offering + any free-gifts, but on learning that BOSWELL had written a Life + of JOHNSON seemed inclined to reconsider their decision.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In order to counteract a tendency to stoutness which + ex-President Taft is now overcoming, the Kaiser has lately + undergone a systematic course of outdoor + 'training.'"—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This is very friendly of the KAISER, but Mr. TAFT will + probably do it better by himself.</p> + + <p>Says an Edinburgh tram-car advertisement:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">THE SCOTTISH ORCHESTRA.</p> + + <p>Conductor..........E. Mlynarski.</p> + + <p>Solo Violinist.....Duci Kerekjarto."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>You should see these natives when they get among the haggis. + Hoots!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" + id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> + + <h2>THE KAKEKIKOKUANS;</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE HEATHEN IN HIS BLINDNESS.</h3> + + <p>THE country of Kakekikoku, as its name suggests, lies in the + vicinity of Timbuctoo, the well-known African resort; and at + the present time, when so much interest is centred upon that + little-known land, it may be profitable to our readers, as well + as to the writer, to give some information about it.</p> + + <p>A famous Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society, who has + travelled widely, not only in this country but in Belgium and + the Channel Islands, has stated that Kakekikoku is richly + endowed with the bewilderments, perils and mysteries of + primitive and unexplored African territory. A warlike and + exclusive folk, the Kakekikokuans extend a red-hot welcome to + the foreigner who ventures within their borders. They are + possessed of a fine physique and an intelligence of a subtler + kind than many savage races can pretend to; yet while having + all the qualities that should go to the building up of a strong + nation, certain conditions of their life bar the way to such an + achievement. In a word, the Kakekikokuans are in the clutches + of the medicine-man. Each of these despots has his own little + following, and wields a distinctive influence, it being a point + of honour with him that his teaching should differ in some way + (usually in but a trivial detail) from the teaching of any + other of his kind. The solemnity of their discussions and the + heat of their dissensions about the minutiæ of their + creeds would be laughable were it not so pathetic..</p> + + <p>And not only do the medicine-men dispute among themselves, + but their followers engage even more vehemently in bitter + strife. For instance, there is a national belief that the + juby-juby nut, which grows in the forests in profusion, + possesses some supernatural virtue that will make a man who + chews it impervious to the weapons of his enemies. That this + virtue exists is generally accepted; but when it comes to a + discussion of how, when and where to chew the nut, much + wrangling goes on; and such men as survive in battle claim that + their particular method is proved to be the correct one, while + such as succumb are cited in proof of the error of their + process of absorbing the juices of the juby-juby nut. The + survivors include, of course, representatives of various + schools of thought, and a battle against a common enemy rarely + goes by without being immediately followed by a conflict among + the surviving Kakekikokuans in order to put to final proof + their respective theories about their remarkable fruit. Thus a + promising people is committing race-suicide; for this sort of + thing goes on not only in connection with this particular + problem, but over such questions as the number of beads to wear + round one's neck when visiting the medicine-man, whether the + national custom of saluting the rising sun need be observed on + cloudy mornings, and whether the medicine-man is entitled to + the pick of the yams on any day but Sunday. People of different + opinions on these points decline to eat together or to enter + into social intercourse with one another; and their children + are forbidden to mingle in play.</p> + + <p>The good news has just come to hand, however, that a band of + Church of England missionaries, despatched by the Bishop of + ZANZIBAR, has now entered the country; and it is delightful to + contemplate the beneficent result that may be expected from + their broadminded attitude and their sane teaching on the + subject of the brotherhood of man.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/47.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Observant Lady</i> (<i>to gentleman + alighting from 'bus</i>). "<i>I</i> THINK YOU'VE + DROPPED A PENNY!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Berlin critics have been accusing Mr. Bernard Shaw + of having committed in his 'Pygmalion,' produced in Germany + the other day, a plagiarism from Smollett's novel, + 'Peregrine Pickle.' Mr. Shaw denies that he has ever read + the novel in question, and, in an interview in the London + 'Observer,' remarks: 'The suggestion of the German papers + that I had Pygmalion produced in Germany lest I should be + detected in my own country of plagiarism, shows an amusing + ignorance of English culture.'"—<i>Yorkshire Evening + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It does. Why even our most cultured countryman, Mr. BERNARD + SHAW, has never read <i>Peregrine Pickle</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. Spademan, of Woodnewton, Northants, placed a dozen + eggs under a hen some time ago, and there were hatched out + thirteen chickens, one of the eggs being double-yolked. All + the young birds are doing well.</p> + + <p>Burroughes and Watts' billiard tables for + accuracy."—<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>They are, in fact, a lesson to Mr. STADEMAN's hens.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page48" + id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> + + <h2>LACONICS.</h2> + + <p>"As a matter of fact," said the doctor, "you ought not to + speak at all. But that's asking too much. So let it go at + this—not a word more than is necessary. Good-bye.",</p> + + <p>He left the room and I lay back pondering on his + instructions. How many words were really necessary?</p> + + <p>The nurse soon after entered.</p> + + <p>"So the doctor's gone," she said.</p> + + <p>Obviously it wasn't necessary to say Yes, since the room was + empty save for me and her; so I made no reply.</p> + + <p>She went to the window and looked out. The sky was blue and + the sunshine was brilliant.</p> + + <p>"It's a fine day," she said.</p> + + <p>No, I thought, you don't catch me there; and said nothing. + But I reflected that yesterday I might myself have made the + same inane remark as she.</p> + + <p>"Would you like the paper?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, and then almost regretted it, for having + waited nearly fifty years for yesterday's news surely I could + wait longer. Still, the paper would help to pass the time.</p> + + <p>While she was fetching it I remembered a dream of last night + which I had intended to tell her this morning.</p> + + <p>But why do so? A dream is of no account even to the dreamer. + Still, the recital might have made her laugh. But why should + laughter be bothered about?</p> + + <p>The nurse brought the paper and I signified Thank you.</p> + + <p>"I'll leave you for a while now," she said; "The fire's all + right. Your drink's by the bed. You'll ring if you want + anything."</p> + + <p>All these things I knew. My drink is always beside the bed; + the bell is the natural communication between me and the house. + What a foolish chatterbox the woman was! I nodded and she went + out.</p> + + <p>On her return an hour or so later she asked, "Is there + anything in the paper?"</p> + + <p>Before answering I examined this question. What did it mean? + It did not mean, Are the pages this morning absolutely blank, + for a change? It meant, Is there a good murder? Is any very + important person dead? In reply I handed the paper to her.</p> + + <p>Instead of reading it she began a long account of her + morning's walk. She told me where she had been; whom she had + seen; whom she had thought she had seen and then found that it + was some one else; what somebody had said. Not a syllable + mattered, I now realised; but yesterday I should have joined in + the talk, asked questions, encouraged her in her + foolishness.</p> + + <p>Just before lunch my brother and a guest came into the room + and began to talk about golf. My brother said that he had been + round in 98. This was his best since September, when he went + round in 97. He described his difficulties at the tenth + hole.</p> + + <p>It all seemed very idiotic to me, for the game was over and + done with. Why rake it up?</p> + + <p>The guest said that he had lost two balls, one of which was + expensive. His driving had been good, but in the short game he + had been weak. He could never quite make up his mind whether he + putted best with a gun-metal putter or a wooden one.</p> + + <p>My brother asked me if I remembered that long drive of his + two years ago?</p> + + <p>I nodded.</p> + + <p>The nurse came in and told them to go. She then asked me if + I was hungry.</p> + + <p>"Very," I said.</p> + + <p>She brought me some beef-tea and calf's-foot-jelly, + remarking that they were easily taken and "would not hurt my + throat."</p> + + <p>That was why they were chosen, of course.</p> + + <p>In the afternoon I had a visit from my Aunt Lavinia, who sat + down with the remark that she would tell me all the news.</p> + + <p>"You remember Esther?" she began.</p> + + <p>Esther is my cousin and we were brought up together. How + could I have forgotten her?</p> + + <p>What she told me about Esther was of no consequence. Then + she told me how she had nearly lost her luggage at + Brighton—she quite thought she had lost it, in + fact—but, as it happened, it turned up. "And if I had + lost it," she said, "it would have been dreadful, for I had a + number of dear Stella's beautiful sketches in one of my trunks. + Quite irreplaceable. However, it is all right."</p> + + <p>Then why tell me?</p> + + <p>And so she rattled on.</p> + + <p>"You don't say anything," she said at last.</p> + + <p>It was true. I had said nothing. I told her what the doctor + instructed.</p> + + <p>"Quite right," she remarked. "I wish other people even in + good health could have the same prescription."</p> + + <p>Just before dinner my brother came in again. "You've had + Aunt Lavinia here," he said.</p> + + <p>I had.</p> + + <p>"Getting quite grey, I thought," he said.</p> + + <p>I had noticed it too.</p> + + <p>He was smoking, and while he was with me he emptied his pipe + and filled it again. He thought he had knocked the burning ash + in the grate, but it had fallen in the turn-up of his right + trouser-leg.</p> + + <p>Should I tell him? I wondered. He would, of course, find it + out from the smell, but meanwhile the cloth would be burned + through.</p> + + <p>"Your trouser's burning," I said.</p> + + <p>That was the only remark I volunteered all that day; and + really, except now and then on business, I don't see why one + should ever talk more.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CURLING.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>The Game and how to Play it, by a Winter + Sport.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Take a piece of ice (you'll want Switzerland for this). Draw + two circles, one at each end. Draw a line a short distance from + each circle. The drawing can be done with a pin, pocket-knife, + diamond, axe, friend's razor or other edged or pointed + instrument. I give no dimensions because they are dull things + and I hate guessing. Talk of the circles at each end as + "houses" and the lines as "hogs," and you are well on the road + to become a curler.</p> + + <p>Take two narrow pieces of tin with prickly eruptions on one + side. Place one each end of the ice-patch, prickly side down, + and stamp on the smooth side. Why these pieces of tin are + called "crampits" I can't tell you, unless it's just part of + the fun.</p> + + <p>You now have a prepared patch that can be used for + hop-scotch, shove-halfpenny, Rugby football or curling. If you + have named the things as directed you really ought to use it + for curling.</p> + + <p>We now come to the question of players. This is one of the + most important parts of the game. Four a side is the almost + ideal number, but a few more or less do not make any very great + difference. But be sure to get some Scotchmen. They take the + game seriously and do much to make the whole affair bright and + mirthful. A slight sprinkling of Irishmen often serves to bring + out more prominently the flavour of the Scottish humour.</p> + + <p>Don't play for money unless you have the majority of + Scotchmen on your side.</p> + + <p>The game is played with "stones," or, to use their Scotch + pseudonym, "stanes." To every man two stanes. You can either + get your "stanes" in England and travel out with them, or hire + them in the locality. They make the most pleasant travelling + companions and at times are the cause of many amusing incidents + which beguile the tedium of the journey. Also they often + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" + id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> lead to your picking up + chance acquaintances. I have known one stone placed in a + dimly lighted corridor of a train productive of much + merriment and harmless banter. Being of considerable weight + they do not readily respond to a playful kick, but having no + sharp corners they are seldom responsible for serious injury + to the kicker.</p> + + <p>Every stone, when new, has a handle. Be careful to preserve + the handle intact on the upper part of the stone. If this + adjunct be lost or mislaid the stone is less amenable to + transit and almost useless for its original purpose.</p> + + <p>You will also require a long-handled carpet-broom, which you + will on arrival re-name a "cow." Most dressing-bags constructed + for foreign travel are now fitted with these useful and + picturesque articles. The "cow" is used for two purposes. If + you are lucky enough to be appointed scorer for your side you + mark the score on the handle in such a way as to be + indecipherable by everyone but yourself. This prevents disputes + with regard to the accuracy of your arithmetic. You also use it + to sweep the ice in front of a friendly stone which appears + likely to give up prematurely from exhaustion. Sweeping is + carried out under the direction of your captain, and the + process is known in the vernacular as "sooping 'er oop." You + are not allowed to retard the progress of a stone, friendly or + otherwise, by intentionally sweeping obstructions into its + path. To discard a portion of your "cow" in front of a rapidly + advancing stone is actionable.</p> + + <p>Over-enthusiasm in "sooping 'er 'oop" should be avoided. Ice + is proverbially slippery, and if you fall on to a friendly + stone from excess of energy or from debility, your side is + "huffed" that stone. This is a serious matter, and even if you + are able to continue the game you are looked on with disfavour + by your friends.</p> + + <p>The object of the game is to get your stone as near as + possible to the centre of the circle at the other end of the + rink. With this object you stand on the piece of tin or + "crampit" before referred to, grasp the stone firmly by the + handle and hurl it along the ice. It is almost essential to let + go the stone at the right moment, otherwise it will hurl you. + The game is almost identical with the commoner game of "bowls," + except for the language, which is worse. The term "wood" is + inappropriate and must be avoided, as the use of it may lay you + under a charge of ignorance or flippancy, which you will find + almost impossible to live down.</p> + + <p>I will conclude with a few hints to novices. Preserve a cool + head and steady eye. Whilst you are playing your shot your + captain will be dancing about in the circle at the other end of + the ice. You will find it best to disregard his maniacal + shoutings and gesticulations. You will probably not understand + half of them and will not agree with the other half. If he + should break a blood-vessel do not take any notice unless some + part of his fallen body is likely to obstruct your stone. In + this case you are entitled to have him moved.</p> + + <p>If, after you have played, cries of "hog" or "wobbler" + arise, remember that you are engaged in a sport and not in + politics and that there is nothing really offensive in the + terms. Finally, never scoff at the language used, and above all + remember that what is one man's game may be another's + religion.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/49.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>LIFE'S LITTLE TRAGEDIES.</h3>SHY AND NERVOUS HUSBAND, + ABANDONED IN COSTUME DEPARTMENT BY HIS WIFE WHO HAS GONE TO + THE FITTING-ROOM TO HAVE HER DRESS FITTED, AND SURROUNDED + BY TALL AND BEAUTEOUS YOUNG LADIES WHOSE ONLY BUSINESS + SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A WORM. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" + id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/50.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/50.png" + alt="" /></a>"EH, BUT I HAD A RARE TIME LAST YEAR-R. A + WAS AT MA COUSIN MACWHUSKIE'S A WHOLE FORTNIGHT, AN' A + DIDNA ONCE KEN A WAS THEER!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>REVENGE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Or, a Hint to a House-agent after coming away from his + Office.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your voice was pleasing and your face was fat;</p> + + <p class="i2">With soap <i>ad libitum</i> you sought to + dabble us;</p> + + <p>But when I told you we must leave the flat</p> + + <p>Did I not notice; underneath the spat,</p> + + <p class="i2">The bifurcated boot that marks + <i>Diabolus</i>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know that in a brief while you'll have found</p> + + <p class="i2">The house I wanted (<i>sic</i>), superbly + roomy,</p> + + <p>With a fine view and every comfort crowned,</p> + + <p>A short three minutes from the Underground;</p> + + <p class="i2">Also I know that you are safe to "do" + me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There will be something wrong; but you shall + fill</p> + + <p class="i2">My ears with praises specious and + irrelevant</p> + + <p>Of this and that; and you shall have your will,</p> + + <p>And heave a deep sigh when I've paid my bill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Having got off at last some rare white + elephant.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And when things happen to "The Yews" or "Planes"</p> + + <p class="i2">Left by the Joneses like a haunt of + lazars;</p> + + <p>When the roof falls, or in the winter rains</p> + + <p>The dining-room breaks out in sudden blains,</p> + + <p class="i2">And every feast we have recalls + BELSHAZZAR's;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You shall be smiling. But you have not guessed</p> + + <p class="i2">One thing, for all your wisdom, child of + Lucifer:</p> + + <p>You did not know I was a bard, whose breast</p> + + <p>Could boil with bitter language when oppressed</p> + + <p class="i2">Like a bargee's; if anything, + abusiver.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This is the high reward of sacred song;</p> + + <p class="i2">The minstrels' voices are like falling + honey</p> + + <p>When the gods please them, but when things go + wrong</p> + + <p>They speak their mind out straight, and speak it + strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">Especially on points concerned with + money.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, if you "do me down," I have my lyre,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I shall trumpet (at the normal Press + wage)</p> + + <p>Such things about that house, and with such + fire,</p> + + <p>That all men ever after shall conspire</p> + + <p class="i2">To shun the said demesne and curse that + messuage.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And spiders on the broken panes shall sit,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the grey rats shall scuttle in the + basement,</p> + + <p>Until the Borough Council purchase it</p> + + <p>And cleanse and decorate, and lastly fit</p> + + <p class="i2">A fair blue <i>plaque</i> above the study + casement,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Saying, "Here lived a while and wove his spell,</p> + + <p class="i2">Eusebius Binks the bard, the + unforgotten;</p> + + <p>The house is mentioned in his 'Lines to Hell,'</p> + + <p>Also the agents, Messrs. Azazel,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the then drains which, so he sang, + were rotten."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>EVOE.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>The Daily Telegraph</i> says of the Portsmouth + Corporation telephone system:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At present there are 1,899 subscribers and 2,528 + distinct telephones."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Why doesn't the Post Office experiment with this new sort of + telephone.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Yet it is necessary to state emphatically, although + no representative</p> + + <p>of a daily newspaper seems to have been under this + impression, that not</p> + + <p>for twenty years have I been so bored."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>C.K.S. in "The Sphere," on the 'Edwin Drood' + trial</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But how are the poor reporters to know so much about C.K.S. + as that?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" + id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/51.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>COULEUR D'ORANGE.</h3>MR. ASQUITH (<i>on the + Riviera</i>). "LUCKY FOR ME THERE AREN'T ANY + 'CONVERSATIONS' HERE—I MIGHT AGREE TO ALMOST + ANYTHING." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" + id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> + + <h2>THE POST OFFICE AGAIN.</h2> + + <p>DEAR UNCLE,—Its your birthday to-day. I sent you some + nice pairs of hankerchifs because its your birthday. They for + your nose. Its funny our birthdays being so close. And now no + more from your loving neice</p> + + <p>NANCY.</p> + + <p>MY DEAR NANCY,—Thank you very much indeed for the nice + pocket-handkerchiefs. I am very pleased with them. Nobody has + ever troubled to give me handkerchiefs before with pretty + flowers worked in the corners. I have been wearing them to-day, + or rather one of them. They are so nice that I really meant to + have kept them specially for parties and things like that, but, + as I was obliged to leave home in a great hurry this morning, + and someone had hidden my everyday handkerchiefs, I took one of + yours.</p> + + <p>Such a funny thing has happened. I sent you for your + birthday a pretty card with birds on it, and somehow or other + it got taken in quite a different direction, and was returned + to me this morning by—whom do you think? Auntie Maud, all + the way away in Ireland. But we mustn't blame the + Postmaster-General without being absolutely sure of ourselves. + It is very difficult in mysterious cases like this to be + absolutely sure. Didn't you get my parcel? I sent it off at the + same time as I sent the card, and I haven't had the parcel + back. I wonder where it is. It looks as though things were + going on that you and I know nothing about. I shall be very + angry with him if he has forgotten to give you your parcel.</p> + + <p>Hoping you are quite well, thank you, Your loving</p> + + <p>UNCLE HENRY.</p> + + <p>DEAR UNCLE,—Thank you for your pretty card for my + birthday. I didn't got your parsel. Its very naughty of him + when its my birthday. I hop youll be very very angry with him + because its my birthday and I didnt get your parsel. And now no + more from your loving neice</p> + + <p>NANCY.</p> + + <p><i>The Postmaster-General</i>.</p> + + <p>SIR,—On Tuesday last I despatched by book-post a + parcel from the South-Western District Office. It is now + Friday, and the parcel has not been delivered. I should esteem + it a favour if you would kindly give the Official Handicapper + for the District in question instructions to allow my parcel to + start forthwith. Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>HY. FRESHFIELD.</p> + + <p><i>The Postmaster-General</i>.</p> + + <p>SIR,—In reply to your enquiry as to the nature of the + parcel, I beg to inform you that it was oblong in shape and + done up in brown paper and tied securely with string. To assist + you still further in the task of identification, I may mention + that it is addressed to Miss Nancy Freshfield, c/o F.E.L. + Freshfield, Esq., 47, Ottalie Gardens, Westminster, S.W.</p> + + <p>Trusting that nothing serious has occurred to disqualify my + parcel, Yours faithfully, HY. FRESHFIELD.</p> + + <p>DEAR UNCLE,—I thought it was such a long time my + parsel didnt come I would write to you dear Uncle. I hop you + were very angry with him. And now no more</p> + + <p>from your loving neice NANCY.</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—I am directed by the Postmaster-General to + inform you that your parcel has now been traced.</p> + + <p>The name of the addressee was correctly stated by you, but + you omitted to append such further instructions for the + guidance of the Post Office as to indicate the destination to + which you desired it to go. I have the pleasure to add that the + fuller information has been copied in from your letter, and the + parcel despatched....</p> + + <p>DEAR NANCY,—By the same post that brought me your + letter I heard from our absent-minded friend, the + Postmaster-General. You will be pained to learn that he is even + more absent-minded than we thought he was. Although, when I + handed him your parcel, I distinctly told him it was going to + Westminster, the moment my back is turned he must needs forget + all about it.</p> + + <p>I feel really rather sorry for him, and I don't think we + ought to be angry any more. He can't possibly forget now, + because I have written the address down for him. Your + loving</p> + + <p>UNCLE HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/53.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53.png" + alt="" /></a>WHAT TO DO WITH OUR FAT MEN; OR, EVERY + LITTLE HELPS. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" + id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> + + <h2>A CABINET CRISIS.</h2> + + <p>It had to be faced at last. There is a demand for them + occasionally, and people won't put up with that excellent one + taken under the crab-apple tree any longer.</p> + + <p>I was caught just right there. The sun was in an indulgent + mood and winked at the signs of advancing age. The bald patch + was out of sight, and the smile would have softened the heart + of an income-tax assessor. I acquired the negative from the + amateur performer, and had it vignetted, which made it better + still, as there was a space between the cashmere sock and the + spring trousering in the original that I did not want attention + drawn to. I had a large number of prints made, and dealt them + out to anybody who asked for a photograph of me. At first they + aroused considerable enthusiasm, but after five or six years a + look of doubt began to appear on the faces of the recipients. + Hadn't I got a later one? This was very nice, but—I + pointed out that I hadn't changed at all, or only a very + little. At my best I was still like that; and didn't they want + me at my best?</p> + + <p>At last a person described by himself as plain-spoken, and + by other people as offensively rude, said that I had never + really been as good-looking as that, with all possible + allowances made, and any way he wanted a photograph and not a + memorial card. I took a firm stand, and said that if he wasn't + satisfied with that one he could go without altogether, and he + said in the most insulting way that he supposed he should be + himself again in time if he took a tonic.</p> + + <p>A few more episodes of that sort eventually drove me to it. + I passed my <i>viva-voce</i> examination at the hands of the + young lady at the desk, paid my fees, got my testamur, and was + shown into the torture-chamber, where the head executioner was + busy adjusting his racks and screws.</p> + + <p>I was rather taken with the rustic seat that was standing on + a white fur mat in front of a scene representing the Jungfrau, + but he headed me off it. If I liked the Jungfrau as a + background I could have it, but not with the seat; that was for + engaged couples only. He recommended a pair of skis, or a + bobsleigh; he could put a fine fall of snow into the negative. + But as I had arrayed myself in a black coat, with one of those + white waistcoat slips, and a flowing tie with a pearl pin, I + refused this offer, and we decided we wouldn't have a + background at all.</p> + + <p>As the man who administered the laughing gas was out at + lunch, I prepared to go through with it in cold blood, and + seated myself in the operating chair in the most natural + attitude I could assume—something like the one I had + taken under the crab-tree. I thought I would show them that + there wasn't so much difference after all. But it did not suit + the head mechanic at all. He looked at me with his head on one + side, and then took hold of mine by the chin and the hair and + gave it a twist. I had never worn it at that angle in my life, + and I knew it would put my collar all wrong; but I had to do + what he told me. He arranged my coat so that it should look as + if it had been made to fit somebody else, and disposed my arms + in such a way as to give the sleeves the appearance of trouser + legs with rucks in them. I felt almost more sorry for my tailor + than for myself, but I shall send him one of the prints when I + get them; it will be good for him.</p> + + <p>We were now ready to tackle the expression. I had chosen one + that would have been suitable for a man with a fair No Trump + hand, but with one suit not fully guarded, as I didn't want to + overdo it; but, judging from the inquisitor's remarks about the + graveside, I am quite ready to admit that it might not have + come out like that. I hastily dealt myself a hundred aces and a + long suit of clubs, and he said that that was better, but I + must put off the idea of the funeral altogether. It was not + until I had assumed the appearance of a reach-me-down Nut with + a dislocated neck, being made love to by six chorus-girls at + once, that he condescended to take a look at me through the + peephole. Then he ran up to me, gave my chin another hitch, + pulled my neck another foot or two out of my collar, added a + ruck or two to my sleeves, and said he liked the other side of + my face better, after all.</p> + + <p>So we went through it all again, and I worked at it with a + will, for I wanted to see him get under his black cloth and + finish the business.</p> + + <p>It wasn't as bad as I had thought, but he was not done by + any means when he had fired his first shot. He rammed more + cartridges into the breach, and twisted me into three fresh + contortions. He said he was sure that some of the efforts would + turn out magnificently.</p> + + <p>I don't feel quite the same confidence myself. I am + anxiously awaiting the result, and trying to get rid of the + crick in my neck and to unbuckle the smile in the meantime. If + it doesn't turn out satisfactorily, I shall get a few + lines—not too deep—put into the negative of the one + taken under the crab-tree, and a little hair painted + out—but not too much.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/54.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/54.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"WORK! I'M NOT AFRAID O' WORK, BUT I CAN'T GET ANY IN MY + LINE."</p> + + <p>"WHAT IS YOUR LINE?"</p> + + <p>"I USED TO BE A STOCKBROKER, LIDY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lemnos and Samothrace are to pass to Greece, and Chios + and Wtlylene are to be neutralised."—<i>Daily + Citizen</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We shall remain anxious until the last-named is + sterilized.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" + id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAGEDY OF MIDDLE AGE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I was a mid-Victorian nut</p> + + <p class="i2">With a delicate taste in ties,</p> + + <p>A highly elegant figure I cut,</p> + + <p class="i2">At least in my own fond eyes,</p> + + <p>And used to regard unwaxed moustaches</p> + + <p>As one of the worst of social laches.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now I find in my youngest son</p> + + <p class="i2">The sternest of autocrats.</p> + + <p>He tells me the things that must be done</p> + + <p class="i2">And orders my collars and spats;</p> + + <p>Prescribes mild exercise on the links</p> + + <p>And advises me on the choice of drinks.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've faithfully striven to imitate</p> + + <p class="i2">My Mentor in dress and diction,</p> + + <p>And loyally laboured to cultivate</p> + + <p class="i2">A taste for the latest fiction;</p> + + <p>Though I still read DICKENS upon the sly,</p> + + <p>And even SCOTT, when nobody's by.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's true I've managed to draw the line</p> + + <p class="i2">At going to tango teas,</p> + + <p>For, after all, I am fifty-nine</p> + + <p class="i2">And a trifle stiff in the knees;</p> + + <p>But I've had to give up billiards for "slosh,"</p> + + <p>And pay laborious homage to "squash."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long since my whiskers I had to shave</p> + + <p class="i2">To please this young barbarian,</p> + + <p>But still for a while I stealthily clave</p> + + <p class="i2">To the use of Pommade Hungarian;</p> + + <p>But now my tyrant has made me snip</p> + + <p>The glory and pride of my upper lip.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My dear old man," he recently said,</p> + + <p class="i2">"If you go on waxing the ends,</p> + + <p>You're bound to be cut, direct and dead,</p> + + <p class="i2">By all of my nuttiest friends.</p> + + <p>For it's only done, so <i>The Mail</i> + discovers,</p> + + <p>By Labour leaders and taxi-shovers."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So the deed was done, but whenever I gaze</p> + + <p class="i2">On my face in the glass I moan</p> + + <p>As I think of the mid-Victorian days</p> + + <p class="i2">When my upper lip was my own.</p> + + <p>For now, of length and of breadth bereft,</p> + + <p>The ghost of a tooth-brush is all that's left.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"MISSING</p> + + <p>NAVY</p> + + <p>PAYMASTER</p> + + <p>ARRESTED."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"Evening Standard" Poster.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>So that's where it was all the time!</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Under-sheriff said ... rumours against a man's + character were like a rolling stone, gathering moss as it + went."—<i>Western Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"As fond of the fire as a burnt child," is another of the + Under Sheriff's favourite sayings.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/55.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Indulgent Householder</i>. "WHY ARE YOU SINGING + CAROLS, MY LITTLE MAN? DON'T YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS + OVER?"</p> + + <p><i>Youthful Caroller</i>. "YES, SIR; BUT I 'AD MEASLES + ALL FROO CHRISTMAS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONCE UPON A TIME.</h2> + + <h3>GLAMOUR.</h3> + + <p>Once upon a time there was a peer who knew the frailty of + unennobled man.</p> + + <p>Having occasion to entertain at dinner a number of useful + follows, he instructed his butler to transfer the labels from a + number of empty bottles of champagne to an equal number of + magnums of dry ginger-ale, at ten shillings the dozen, and + these were placed on the table.</p> + + <p>At the beginning of the repast his lordship casually drew + attention to the wine which he was giving his guests, and asked + for their candid opinion of it, as he was aware that they were + all good judges, who knew a good thing when they saw it, and he + would value their opinion.</p> + + <p>And they one and all said it was an excellent champagne, and + two or three made a note of it in their pocket-books. And such + was their loyal enthusiasm that the banquet ended in a fine + glow of something exactly like hilarity.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" + id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h3>"MARY-GIRL."</h3> + + <p>"I'm not going to give up my daily bath!" In these pregnant + and moving words rang the <i>cri de coeur</i> which was to + precipitate the tragedy of <i>Mary Sheppard</i>. To you the + attitude of mind which provoked this cry may seem as natural as + it was sanitary. But you must understand that it ran directly + counter to <i>Ezra Sheppard's</i> ideal of the simple + God-fearing life. Godliness with him came first, and + cleanliness followed where it could. In his view a tub once a + week was all that any sane person should need. Apart from this + hebdomadal use its proper function was to hold dirty dishes and + soiled clothes for the washing. And indeed this had at one time + been <i>Mary's</i> own view (though tempered by vague + aspirations towards a softer existence, as we might have + guessed from the elegance of her brown shoes) before a year of + the higher life had shaken her content. Let us go back.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/56.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/56.png" + alt="" /></a>Mr. MCKINNEL (<i>Ezra Sheppard</i>) to + Miss MAY BLAYNEY (<i>Mary Sheppard</i>). "You've been + lying again! You know how I hate it—I told you + so in this very theatre when we were playing in + <i>Between Sunset and Dawn</i>." + </div> + + <p><i>Ezra Sheppard</i> was by profession a market-gardener, + and his favourite recreation was preaching in a barn. We have + the picture of a frugal but happy interior, with a new-born + infant (<i>off</i>). The trouble began with an offer made to + his wife of a situation as foster-mother to the baby (also + <i>off</i>) of a neighbouring Countess. The wages were to be + high and she was to be delicately entreated; but there were + hard conditions. She was not to hold communication with her + husband or child for twelve months. I am sorry to say that + <i>Mary</i> did not flinch from these conditions quite so much + as I could have hoped. <i>Ezra</i>, however, rejected them for + her with manly scorn, until he was reminded that the high wages + would speed the end of his own ambitions—namely, to + replace his barn with a conventicle of brick. So he let his + wife loose into Eden with the Serpent.</p> + + <p>And now we see <i>Mary</i> seated in the lap of luxury, with + soft gowns to wear, and peaches to eat and instant slaves at + her beck. You will, of course, expect her virtue to fall an + easy prey; but you will be wrong. The Earl's attitude is + pleasantly parental, and the attentions of the Countess's + cavalier—an author—are confined to the extraction + of copy. And anyhow <i>Mary's</i> instincts are sound. Now and + again she remembers to pity the loneliness of her husband, + whose cottage light she can see from the window of her bower; + and once, by a ruse, she gets him to break the conditions and + visit her; but when he learns that the invitation came from + her, and not, as alleged, from the Countess, his conscience + will not permit him to take advantage of his chance. So you + have the unusual spectacle of a true and loving wife pleading + in vain for the embraces of her true and loving husband.</p> + + <p>But if her virtue, in the technical sense, remained intact, + the Serpent had overfed her with <i>pommes de luxe</i>. On her + return home—where the restoration of her child might have + helped matters, but it doesn't know who she is and refuses to + part from its foster-mother—we find her lethargic, off + her feed, indifferent to the claims of menial toil, and + clamorous (as I have shown) for her rights of the daily + bath.</p> + + <p>In the first joy of conjugal reunion <i>Ezra</i> consents to + tolerate the discomfort of this change, but in the end he loses + patience and hits her. She leaves for London the same + afternoon.</p> + + <p>Six black months pass over the husband's bowed head, and + then, on a very windy night (the wind was well done), she makes + a re-entry, and confesses that, under stress of need, she has + lapsed from virtue. This is bad news for <i>Ezra</i>, but he is + prepared to forgive a fault in which he himself has had a fair + share. Only there must be a sacrifice of something, if moral + justice is to be appeased. So he chooses between his wife and + his chapel and does execution on the latter. He goes out into + the storm and sets the thing alight. His conscience is thus + purified by fire, the gale being favourable to arson.</p> + + <p>It is a pity that so excellent an object as a brick chapel + should be the evil genius of the play. Yet so it is. Built of + the materials of Scandinavian drama, it is always just round + the corner, heavy with doom. We never see it, but we hear more + than enough about it, and in the end it becomes a bore which we + are well rid of.</p> + + <p>The theme of the perils of foster-motherhood is not new, but + Mrs. MERRICK has treated it freshly and with a very decent + avoidance of its strictly sexual aspects. But her methods are + too sedentary. She kept on with her atmosphere long after we + knew the details of the cottage interior by heart; while a + whole volume of active tragedy—<i>Mary's</i> six months + in London—was left to our fevered imagination. And the + sense of reality which she was at such pains to create was + spoiled by dialogue freely carried on in the immediate vicinity + of persons who were not supposed to overhear it.</p> + + <p>The chief attraction of <i>Mary-Girl</i> (a silly title) was + the engaging personality of Miss MAY BLAYNEY. Always a + fascinating figure to watch, she showed an extraordinary + sensitiveness of voice and expression. As for that honest and + admirable actor, Mr. MCKINNEL, who made the perfect foil to her + charms that every good husband should wish to be, he seems + never to tire of playing these stern, dour, semi-brutal parts. + That more genial characters are open to him his success in + <i>Great Catherine</i> showed. Miss MARY BROUGH, as a + charwoman, supplied a rare need with her richly-flavoured + humour and its clipped sentences. All the rest did themselves + justice. Miss HELEN FERRERS was a shade more aristocratic than + the aristocrat of stage tradition; and it was not the fault of + Miss DOROTHY FANE (as her daughter, <i>Lady Folkington</i>) + that she was required to behave incredibly in the presence of + her inferiors. I have not much to say for the manners of + Society in its own circles; but it is probably at its best in + its intercourse with humbler neighbours. Mrs. MERRICK's picture + of the <i>Countess</i> on a visit to the <i>Sheppards'</i> + cottage might have been designed for a poster of the Land + Campaign.</p> + + <p>There was no dissenting note, I am glad to say, in the + reception of Mrs. MERRICK's charming self when she appeared + after the fall of the curtain.</p> + + <p>"A pretty authoress!" said an actress in the stalls.</p> + + <p>"Is that your comment on the play?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes!" she said.</p> + + <p>O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Her Majesty was accompanied by Princess Henry and + John."—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Where was Lord SAYE AND SELE?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" + id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/57.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57.png" + alt="" /></a>"COME, COME, SIR! THAT'S THE HORSE WE + KEEP FOR QUITE YOUNG CHILDREN! HE WANTS TO <i>PLAY</i> + WITH YOU, SIR!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LAST STRAW.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I sing the sofa! It had stood for years,</p> + + <p class="i2">An invitation to benign repose,</p> + + <p>A foe to all the fretful brood of fears,</p> + + <p class="i2">Bidding the weary eye-lid sink and + close.</p> + + <p>Massive and deep and broad it was and + bland—</p> + + <p>In short the noblest sofa in the land.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You, too, my friend, my solid friend, I sing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whom on an afternoon I did behold</p> + + <p>Eying—'twas after lunch—the cushioned + thing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And murmuring gently, "Here are realms of + gold,</p> + + <p>And I shall visit them," you said, "and be</p> + + <p>The sofa's burden till it's time for tea."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Let those who will go forth," you said, "and + dare,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beyond the cluster of the little + shops,</p> + + <p>To strain their limbs and take the eager air,</p> + + <p class="i2">Seeking the heights of Hedsor and its + copse.</p> + + <p>I shall abide and watch the far-off gleams</p> + + <p>Of fairy beacons from the world of dreams."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then forth we fared, and you, no doubt, lay + down,</p> + + <p class="i2">An easy victim to the sofa's charms,</p> + + <p>Forgetting hopes of fame and past renown,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lapped in those padded and alluring + arms.</p> + + <p>"How well," you said, and veiled your heavy + eyes,</p> + + <p>"It slopes to suit me! This is Paradise."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So we adventured to the topmost hill,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, when the sunset shot the sky with + red,</p> + + <p>Homeward returned and found you taking still</p> + + <p class="i2">Deep draughts of peace with pillows + 'neath your head.</p> + + <p>"His sleep," said one, "has been unduly long."</p> + + <p>Another said, "Let's bring and beat the gong."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Gongs," said a third and gazed with looks + intent</p> + + <p class="i2">At the full sofa, "are not adequate.</p> + + <p>There fits some dread, some heavy, punishment</p> + + <p class="i2">For one who sleeps with such a dreadful + weight.</p> + + <p>Behold with me," he moaned, "a scene accurst.</p> + + <p>The springs are broken and the sofa's burst!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Too true! Too true! Beneath you on the floor</p> + + <p class="i2">Lay blent in ruin all the obscure + things</p> + + <p>That were the sofa's strength, a scattered store</p> + + <p class="i2">Of tacks and battens and protruded + springs.</p> + + <p>Through the rent ticking they had all been + spilt,</p> + + <p>Mute proofs and mournful of your weight and + guilt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And you? You slept as sweetly as a child,</p> + + <p class="i2">And when you woke you recked not of your + shame,</p> + + <p>But babbled greetings, stretched yourself and + smiled</p> + + <p class="i2">From that eviscerated sofa's frame,</p> + + <p>Which, flawless erst, was now one mighty flaw</p> + + <p>Through the addition of yourself as straw.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>R.C.L.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A really acceptable present for a lady is a nice piece + of artificial hair, as, when not absolutely necessary, it + is always useful and ornamental."—<i>Advt. in + "Aberdeen Free Press."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Still, it might be misunderstood.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Theologians and mystics might say, 'Is that not mere + anthropomrhpism?'"—<i>Mr. BALFOUR according to "The + Daily Mail."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But a Welshman would say it best.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"An aggressive minority succeeded in showing that the + Little Navy-ites do not represent the bulk of public + opinion."—<i>Daily Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is, of course, always the aggressive minority which + really represents the bulk of public opinion.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" + id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + + <h2>A BYGONE.</h2> + + <p>When I see the white-haired and venerable Thompson standing + behind my equally white-haired but much less venerable father + at dinner, exuding an atmosphere of worth and uprightness and + checking by his mere silent presence the more flippant + tendencies of our conversation; when I hear him whisper into my + youthful son's ear, "Sherry, Sir?" in the voice of a tolerant + teetotaler who would not force his principles upon any man but + hopes sincerely that this one will say No; and when I am + informed that he promised our bootboy a rapid and inevitable + descent to a state of infamy and destitution upon discovering + no more than the fag end of a cigarette behind his ear, then I + am tempted to recall an incident of fifteen years back, lest it + be forgotten that Thompson is a man like ourselves who has + known, and even owned, a human weakness.</p> + + <p>Dinner had begun on that eventful evening at 7.30 P.M., and + it was drawing within sight of a conclusion, that is, the sweet + had been eaten and the savoury was overdue, at 9.45 P.M. Four + of us had trailed thus far through this critical meal: my + father, a usually patient widower who was becoming more than + restless; the Robinsons, never a jocund brace of guests, who + were by now positively sullen, and myself who, being but a + boy—of twenty odd years and having little enough to say + to a woman of fifty-five and her still more antique husband, + had long ago settled down to a determined silence. Meanwhile + Thompson, then in his first year of service with us, tarried + mysteriously heaven knows where.</p> + + <p>The intervals of preparation before each course had been + growing longer and longer and the pause before the savoury + threatened to be infinite. My father commanded me to ring the + bell severely. Longing to escape from the table I did so with + emphasis, and my ring summoned (to our surprise, for we were + not aware of her existence in the house) a slightly soiled + kitchen-maid.</p> + + <p>"Where is Thompson?" asked my father sternly.</p> + + <p>"At the telephone, Sir," stammered the maid.</p> + + <p>"The telephone!" cried my father. "Whatever is the + matter?"</p> + + <p>The maid started to mumble an explanation, burst into tears + and fled in alarm, never again to emerge from the back regions. + My father commanded me to the bell again, but as I rose + Thompson entered. He was even then a stately and dignified + person, and it was with a measured tread and slow that he + advanced upon my father.</p> + + <p>"Will you please serve the savoury at once?" said my + father.</p> + + <p>"I am afraid it cannot be done, Sir," said Thompson. "May I + explain, Sir?"</p> + + <p>"What is the meaning of this?" asked my father, fearing some + terrible disaster below stairs, and sacrificing politeness to + his guests with the hope of saving lives in the kitchen.</p> + + <p>Thompson cleared his throat.—"For some weeks, Sir," he + said, "I have been much worried with financial affairs. Like a + fool I have invested all my savings in speculative shares, and + the variations of the market have unduly depressed me. When I + am depressed I take no food, and that depresses me even + more."</p> + + <p>You will be as surprised as we were that this was allowed to + continue, but when a man of so few words as Thompson chooses to + come out of his shell he is always master of the situation. + "And so, Sir," he continued, "I have taken the liberty of + telephoning to the mews for a cab."</p> + + <p>He paused and bowed, as if this made it all clear, and was + about to withdraw. "Kindly finish serving dinner at once, and + don't be impudent," my father got out at last.</p> + + <p>Thompson sighed. "It is absolutely out of the question, + Sir," said he. "Quite, quite impossible."</p> + + <p>"Why on earth?" cried my father.</p> + + <p>Thompson became, if possible, more solemn and deliberate + than before. "I am drunk, Sir," said he.</p> + + <p>At this point Mrs. Robinson, whose indignation had slowly + been swelling within her, rose and left the room. Robinson, as + in duty bound, followed. Neither of them, to my infinite joy, + has ever returned...</p> + + <p>"Depressed by want of food, Sir," continued Thompson, by + sheer duress preventing my father from following his guests and + attempting to pacify them, "I have taken to spirits. I do not + like the taste of spirits and they go at once to my head. They + depress me further, Sir, but they intoxicate me. Yes, I am + undoubtedly tipsy."</p> + + <p>My father seized the opportunity of his pause for reflection + to order him to leave the room and present himself in the + morning when he was sober.</p> + + <p>"You dismiss us without notice, Sir," he stated, referring + to himself and his wife in the kitchen. "First thing in the + morning we go. And so I have ordered the cab to take us."</p> + + <p>This was a very proper fate for Thompson but came a little + hard on my father. "But what am <i>I</i> to do?" asked he.</p> + + <p>Thompson regarded him with a desultory smile. "The Mews + desires to know, Sir," said he, "who will pay for the cab?"</p> + + <p>I ought to be able to state that there followed with the + cold light of day an apology, with passionate tears and + remorse, from Thompson, or at least a severe reprimand from my + father before he consented to keep him on. I regret to say that + my father, next morning, postponed the interview till the + evening, and from the evening till the next morning, + and—that interview is still pending. If this seems weak, + you have only to see Thompson to realize that no man with any + sense of the incongruous could even mention the word "Drink" in + his presence.</p> + + <p>As for the cab which Thompson had ordered, though we never + saw it we later heard all about it. It went to the wrong house + because, as the proprietor of the mews informed us with shame + and regret, the driver entrusted with the order had been very + much under the influence of alcohol. Altogether it is a sordid + tale, made no better by the fact that the house which the + drunken driver chose to go to and insult was the + Robinsons'...</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LOVE AT THE CINEMA.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Inert I watched the Hero sacked</p> + + <p class="i2">For lapses clearly not his own;</p> + + <p class="i4">The midnight murder on the cliff,</p> + + <p class="i4">The wonted ante-nuptial tiff,</p> + + <p class="i4">The orange-blossoms, bored me stiff.</p> + + <p>The picture-hall was simply packed,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I was all alone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Alone! Two little hours could span</p> + + <p class="i2">The gloom that bound me stark and + grim</p> + + <p class="i4">(No melancholy pierced me through</p> + + <p class="i4">Before the 7.32</p> + + <p class="i4">Had ravished Barbara from view),</p> + + <p>And yet I brooked it like a man</p> + + <p class="i2">Until I noticed HIM.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He sat extravagantly near</p> + + <p class="i2">His Heart's Delight. To my distress,</p> + + <p class="i4">When temporary twilight fell,</p> + + <p class="i4">He squeezed her hand (and squeezed it + well!),</p> + + <p class="i4">Possessed her waist, and in that + shell,</p> + + <p>That damask shell she calls an ear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Breathed words of tenderness.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The blood ran riot to my head</p> + + <p class="i2">And still I held my madness thrall,</p> + + <p class="i4">My lips repressed the frenzied + shriek,</p> + + <p class="i4">My straining heart was stout as teak;</p> + + <p class="i4">But, when he kissed her mantling + cheek,</p> + + <p>I broke—and two attendants led</p> + + <p class="i2">Me wailing from the hall.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" + id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/59.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/59.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE LOST CHRISTMAS PRESENT.</h3> + + <p><i>Maid</i> (<i>to postman delivering long-delayed + parcel</i>). "WHAT IS IT?"</p> + + <p><i>Postman</i>. "LABEL SAYS, 'WILD DUCKS,' BUT THEY'RE + 'UMMING-BIRDS NOW".</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>There is at least one thing that will surprise you about + <i>It Happened in Egypt</i> (METHUEN), and that is that, + although C.N. and A.M. WILLIAMSON are the writers, motor-cars + are hardly so much as mentioned throughout. It is a tale of the + Nile and the Desert, of camels and caravans, told with a quite + extraordinary power of making you feel that you have visited + the scenes described. But this, of course, if you have any + previous experience of the WILLIAMSON method, will not surprise + you at all. As for the story that strings the scenes together, + though it promised well, with almost every possible element of + fictional excitement—buried treasure, and spies, and + abductions, and secrets—somehow the result was not wholly + up to the expectation thus created. To borrow an appropriate + simile, the great thrill remained something of a mirage, always + in sight and never actually reached. Also I wish to record my + passionate protest against stories of treasure-trove in which + the treasure is not taken away in sacks and used to enrich the + hunters; I am all against leaving it underground, for whatever + charming and romantic reasons. No, it is not so much as a novel + of adventure that might have happened pretty well anywhere that + I advise you to read this book, but as a super-guide to scenes + and sensations that happen in Egypt and nowhere else. From the + moment when, as one of the WILLIAMSON party, you sit down to + breakfast on the terrace of Shepherd's, till you take leave of + your fellow-travellers in the mountain-tomb of QUEEN CANDACE, + you will enjoy the nearest possible approach to a luxurious + Egyptian tour, under delightful guidance, and at an inclusive + fare of six shillings.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. SETON GORDON is a bold man. It is one thing to call a + book <i>The Charm of the Hills</i> (CASSELL) and quite another + to succeed in conveying that charm through the medium of the + printed word. Perhaps, however, he was encouraged by the + success that has already attended these pen-pictures of + Highland scenes in serial form; certainly he knew also that he + had another source of strength in a collection of the most + fascinating photographs of mountain scenery and wild life, + nearly a hundred of which are reproduced in the present volume. + So that what Mr. GORDON the writer fails to convey about his + favourite haunts (which is not much) Mr. GORDON the + photographer is ready to supply. The papers, which range in + subject from ptarmigan to cairngorms, are written with an + engaging simplicity and directness, and show a sympathetic + knowledge of wild nature such as is the reward only of long + familiarity. The glorious mountain wind blows through them all, + so that as you read you feel the heather brushing your knees, + and see the clouds massing on the peaks of + Ben-something-or-other. Perhaps Mr. GORDON is at his most + interesting on the subject of the Golden Eagle. There are many + striking snapshots of the king of birds in his royal home; and + some stories of court life in an eyrie that are fresh and + enthralling. One thing that I was specially glad to learn on so + good authority is that the Golden Eagle, so far from being + threatened with extinction, is actually increasing in the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> deer forests of the North. + This is intelligence as welcome as it is nowadays unusual. + The book, which is published at 10<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> net, + is dedicated "to one who loves the glens and corries of the + hills"; and all who answer to this description should be + grateful to the writer for his delightful record.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Goodness knows that of all London's teeming millions I am + the possessor of the most easily curdled blood, but my flesh + declined to creep an inch from the first page to the last of + <i>Animal Ghosts</i> (RIDER). I think it was Mr. ELLIOTT + O'DONNELL's way of telling his stories that was responsible for + my indifference. He is so incorrigibly reticent. His idea of a + well-told ghost story runs on these lines:—"In the year + 189—, in the picturesque village of C——, hard + by the manufacturing town of L——, there lived a + wealthy gentleman named T—— with his cousin + F—— and two friends M—— and + R——." I simply refuse to take any interest in the + spectres of initials, still less in the spectres of the + domestic pets of initials. I am no bigot; by all means deny + your ghost his prerogative of clanking chains and rattling + bones; but there are certain points on which I do take a firm + stand, and this matter of initials is one of them. Not one of + these stories is convincing. Mr. O'DONNELL taps you on the + chest and whispers hoarsely, "As I stood there my blood + congealed, I could scarcely breathe. My scalp bristled;" and + you, if you are like me, hide a yawn and say, "No, really?" + There is a breezy carelessness, too, about his methods which + kills a story. He distinctly states, for instance, that the + story of the "Headless Cat of No. ——, Lower Seedley + Street, Manchester," was told to him by a Mr. ROBERT DANE. In + the first half of the narrative this gentleman's brother-in-law + addresses him as <i>Jack</i>, and later on his wife says to + him, "Oh, <i>Edward</i>." What a man whose own Christian name + is so much a matter of opinion has to say about seeing headless + cats does not seem to me to be evidence.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There seems to be an increasing public for the volume of + reflections. At all events Mr. REGINALD LUCAS, who has already + two or three successes in this kind to his credit, has been + encouraged to produce another, to which he has given the + pleasant title of <i>The Measure of our Thoughts</i> + (HUMPHREYS). It is, of course, difficult to be critical with a + book like this; either it pleases the reader or it doesn't, and + that is about all that can be said. One reason for my belief + that Mr. LUCAS's <i>Thoughts</i> will please is that he has put + them into the brain of a definitely conceived and very well + drawn character. They are told in the form of letters by this + character to his old tutor. The writer is supposed to be the + rather unattractive and self-conscious eldest son of a noble + house, who suffers from the presence of a father and sister who + think him a fool, and a brother whose charm is a continual and + painful contrast to his own lack of it. The special skill of + the letters is their self-revelation, which brings out the + pathos of the writer's position, while at the same time showing + quite clearly the defects that explained it. Mr. LUCAS, in + short, does not commit the error of making his hero merely a + mute, misunderstood paragon, whom anyone with common + penetration must have recognised as such. On the contrary, we + sympathise with him, especially in the big tragedy of his life, + while quite admitting that to any casual acquaintance he must + have appeared only a dull and uninteresting egoist. This I call + clever, because it shows that Mr. LUCAS has created a real + thinker, rather than striven to give him any unusual profundity + of thought. An agreeable book.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the sixteenth chapter of the First Part of <i>The Rocks + of Valpré</i> (FISHER UNWIN) <i>Trevor Mordaunt</i> + married <i>Christine Wyndham</i>, and on the last page (which + is the 511th) of the book, "she opened to him the doors of her + soul, and drew him within...." Granted that <i>Mordaunt</i>, + with the eyes of steel, was not exactly an oncoming man and + that when he married <i>Christine</i> he received, as wedding + presents, two or three brothers-in-law who sponged hopelessly + upon him, I still think that Miss ETHEL DELL has given us too + detailed an account of the domestic differences between + <i>Mordaunt</i> and his wife. For my own part I became frankly + tired of the pecuniary crises of the <i>Wyndhams</i> and of + their incurable inability to tell the truth. Had + <i>Mordaunt</i> got up and given these feckless brethren a + sound hiding I should have been relieved, but he preferred to + make them squirm by using his steely eyes. In the future I + suggest to Miss DELL that she should leave these strong silent + men alone. They have had their day and gone out of vogue. The + best part of this book, and indeed the best work Miss DELL has + yet done, is her treatment of the romantic friendship between + <i>Christine</i> and <i>Bertrand de Montville</i>. It is + handled so touchingly and so surely that I resent with all the + more peevishness the banality of the steel-eyed one.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/60.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60.png" + alt="" /></a>ONE OF THE FEW HISTORIC MANSIONS OF + ENGLAND WHERE QUEEN ELIZABETH DID <i>NOT</i> SLEEP. + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"His lordship dismissed the application, with costs, and + the jury found in his favour, assessing the damages at + £1,000."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We should like to be a Judge. It seems to be easy and + well-paid work.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From the synopsis of a Singapore play—just the last + scene or two:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Samion, after going through Nyai Dasima's fortune, + maltreated her, and told her to leave his protection. He + also commissioned a wicked man called Puasa to murder Nyai + Dasima. Puasa murdered Dasima, and throw her body into a + river. The corpse of Dasima floated and entangled in the + bathing-place of William. William, seeing this, at once + reported to the Police of Dasima's death. Puasa and others + were arrested and imprisoned. The Judge investigated the + case, and Puasa was sentenced to be hanged. Samion got mad + and died. Mah Buyong also got mad."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And so home to bed.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12465 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12465-h/images/41.png b/12465-h/images/41.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50bcdd9 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/41.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/43.png b/12465-h/images/43.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..821ffc7 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/43.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/45.png b/12465-h/images/45.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ebbb97 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/45.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/47.png b/12465-h/images/47.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a854144 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/47.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/49.png b/12465-h/images/49.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ba429a --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/49.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/50.png b/12465-h/images/50.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..52f5d07 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/50.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/51.png b/12465-h/images/51.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c326958 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/51.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/53.png b/12465-h/images/53.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..82a0939 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/53.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/54.png b/12465-h/images/54.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b917055 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/54.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/55.png b/12465-h/images/55.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..13e2486 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/55.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/56.png b/12465-h/images/56.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c51d575 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/56.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/57.png b/12465-h/images/57.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aef6204 --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/57.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/59.png b/12465-h/images/59.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bfced8d --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/59.png diff --git a/12465-h/images/60.png b/12465-h/images/60.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..25893be --- /dev/null +++ b/12465-h/images/60.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2c66d6b --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12465 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12465) diff --git a/old/12465-8.txt b/old/12465-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..75fa150 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2309 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., +January 21, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 21, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12465] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 21, 1914. + + + + +[Illustration: "NOT VERY SPORTING LINKS, ARE THEY?" + +EVEN EARTHQUAKES HAVE THEIR USE. + +"AH, THAT'LL MAKE BETTER GOLF."] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +MAJOR-GENERAL LEONARD WOOD, chief of the U.S.A. General Staff, has +reported that the American Army is, practically speaking, unarmed, +and advises the immediate expenditure of £1,200,000 for artillery and +ammunition. We fancy, however, that the present state of affairs is +the result of a compromise with the American Peace party, who will not +object to their country having an army so long as it is unarmed. + + *** + +"VICTORY FOR THE ORANGE WOMEN. + +DRURY LANE INSTITUTION TO CONTINUE." + +This should put heart into the Orange Men of Ulster. + + *** + +We hear that, to celebrate the recent glorious victory in Alsace, the +little town of Zabern is to be re-named Säbeln. + + *** + +The Rev. N. FITZPATRICK, describing a visit to the Balkan States in +a lecture at the Camera Club, spoke of the difficulties he had with +his laundry. The same bundle of clothes was soaked in Roumania, +rough-dried in Bulgaria, and ironed in Servia. We are astonished +that the lecturer should have made no mention of mangling, which we +understand is done well in the Balkan States. + + *** + +The KAISER, we are told, has given instructions that his _menus_ are +in future to be written in German. What, by the way, _is_ the French +for _Sauerkraut_? + + *** + +Mr. ARCHIBALD, a member of the Australian House of Representatives, +has calculated that the value of the property of the five million +inhabitants of the Commonwealth is £780,000,000. We cannot but think +it is a mistake to divulge the fact with so many dishonest people +about. + + *** + +_I do like your eyes_ is the latest bright thought for a Revue title. +To be followed, no doubt, by _Her nose isn't bad, is it?_ and _What's +wrong with her toes?_ + + *** + +"FRENCH BATTLESHIP DROPPED." + +_Pall Mall Gazette_. + +Very careless of someone. + + *** + +Reading that one of the features of the new British battleship class +will be less draught, Aunt Caroline remarked that she was glad to hear +this: she had always understood that during even half a gale it was +very easy to catch cold at sea. + + *** + +Sir RUFUS ISAACS has decided to take the title of Lord READING. This +still leaves it open to a distinguished literary man, should he be +made a peer, to become Lord Writing. + + *** + +The age of pleasure! Where will it stop? Extract from _The Witney +Gazette_:--"On Monday evening a very successful dance was given in the +Corn Exchange ... The company numbered over one hundred, and dancing +to the strains of Taylor's Oxford Scarlet Band was enjoyed till the +early hours of Wednesday morning." + + *** + +While Police Constable JAKEMAN was in Eldon Road, Reading, last week, +a cat suddenly pounced on him and bit him. We have not yet received +a full account of the incident, but apparently the constable was on +detective duty and cleverly disguised as a mouse. + + *** + +One of the cats shown at the Grand Championship Cat Show had her fur +cut and trimmed like a poodle's. The matter has been much discussed in +canine circles, and we understand that there may be trouble. + + *** + +An express train travelling from Nice to Macon was, last week, beaten +by an eagle, which raced it over a distance of eighteen miles. Birds +are evidently being put upon their mettle by the aeroplanes. + + *** + +Alleged notice outside Drury Lane:-- + +SLEEPING BEAUTY. + +N.B.--CHAUFFEURS ARE KINDLY +REQUESTED NOT TO HOOT +WHEN PASSING. + + *** + +From Paris comes the news that a successor to the Tango has been +found in the form of a Chinese dance known as the Tatao. The name, +presumably, is a contraction of the words "Ta-ta, Tango." + + *** + +A new character named "It" appears in the revival of _The Darling of +the Gods_. We presume it is The Limit. + + *** + +The manager of the Little Theatre is making arrangements for shilling +seats for the first time in the history of the house. How is it going +to be done? By _Magic_, of course. + + *** + +"The Shepherdess without a Heart" continues to make good progress, and +the medical profession is much interested. + + * * * * * + +A FAREWELL TOUR. + +This is positively Chum's last appearance in print--for his own sake +no less than for yours. He is conceited enough as it is, but if once +he got to know that people are always writing about him in the papers +his swagger would be unbearable. However, I have said good-bye to +him now; I have no longer any rights in him. Yesterday I saw him off +to his new home, and when we meet again it will be on a different +footing. "Is that your dog?" I shall say to his master. "What is he? A +Cocker? Jolly little fellows, aren't they? I had one myself once." + +As Chum refused to do the journey across London by himself, I met him +at Liverpool Street. He came up in a crate; the world must have seemed +very small to him on the way. "Hallo, old ass," I said to him through +the bars, and in the little space they gave him he wriggled his body +with delight. "Thank Heaven there's _one_ of 'em alive," he said. + +"I think this is my dog," I said to the guard, and I told him my name. + +He asked for my card. + +"I'm afraid I haven't one with me," I explained. When policemen touch +me on the shoulder and ask me to go quietly; when I drag old gentlemen +from underneath motor-'buses, and they decide to adopt me on the spot; +on all the important occasions when one really wants a card, I never +have one with me. + +"Can't give him up without proof of identity," said the guard, and +Chum grinned at the idea of being thought so valuable. + +I felt in my pockets for letters. There was only one, but it offered +to lend me £10,000 on my note of hand alone. It was addressed to "Dear +Sir," and though I pointed out to the guard that I was the "Sir," he +still kept tight hold of Chum. Strange that one man should be prepared +to trust me with £10,000, and another should be so chary of confiding +to me a small black spaniel. + +"Tell the gentleman who I am," I said imploringly through the bars. +"Show him you know me." + +"He's _really_ all right," said Chum, looking at the guard with his +great honest brown eyes. "He's been with us for years." + +And then I had an inspiration. I turned down the inside pocket of my +coat; and there, stitched into it, was the label of my tailor's with +my name written on it. I had often wondered why tailors did this; +obviously they know how stupid guards can be. + +"I suppose that's all right," said the guard reluctantly. Of course I +might have stolen the coat. I see his point. + +"You--you wouldn't like a nice packing case for yourself?" I said +timidly. "You see, I thought I'd put Chum on the lead. I've got to +take him to Paddington, and he must be tired of his shell by now. It +isn't as if he were _really_ an armadillo." + +The guard thought he would like a shilling and a nice packing case. +Wood, he agreed, was always wood, particularly in winter, but there +were times when you were not ready for it. + +"How are you taking him?" he asked, getting to work with a chisel. +"Underground?" + +"Underground?" I cried in horror. "Take Chum on the Underground? +Take--Have you ever taken a large live conger-eel on the end of a +string into a crowded carriage?" + +The guard never had. + +"Well, don't. Take him in a taxi instead. Don't waste him on other +people." + +The crate yawned slowly, and Chum emerged all over straw. We had an +anxious moment, but the two of us got him down and put the lead on +him. Then Chum and I went off for a taxi. + +"Hooray," said Chum, wriggling all over, "isn't this splendid? I say, +which way are you going? I'm going this way?... No, I mean the other +way." + +Somebody had left some of his milk-cans on the platform. Three times +we went round one in opposite directions and unwound ourselves the +wrong way. Then I hauled him in, took him struggling in my arms and +got into a cab. + +The journey to Paddington was full of interest. For a whole minute +Chum stood quietly on the seat, rested his fore-paws on the open +window and drank in London. Then he jumped down and went mad. He tried +to hang me with the lead, and then in remorse tried to hang himself. +He made a dash for the little window at the back; missed it and +dived out of the window at the side; was hauled back and kissed me +ecstatically, in the eye with his sharpest tooth ... "And I thought +the world was at an end," he said, "and there were no more people. +Oh, I am an ass. I say, did you notice I'd had my hair cut? How do +you like my new trousers? I must show you them." He jumped on to my +lap. "No, I think you'll see them better on the ground," he said, and +jumped down again. "Or no, perhaps you _would_ get a better view if--" +he jumped up hastily, "and yet I don't know--" he dived down, "though +of course, if you--Oh lor! this _is_ a day," and he put both paws +lovingly on my collar. + +Suddenly he was quiet again. The stillness, the absence of storm +in the taxi was so unnatural that I began to miss it. "Buck up, old +fool," I said, but he sat motionless by my side, plunged in thought. I +tried to cheer him up. I pointed out King's Cross to him; he wouldn't +even bark at it. I called his attention to the poster outside the +Euston Theatre of The Two Biffs; for all the regard he showed he might +never even have heard of them. The monumental masonry by Portland Road +failed to uplift him. + +At Baker Street he woke up and grinned cheerily. "It's all right," +he said, "I was trying to remember what happened to me this +morning--something rather-miserable, I thought, but I can't get hold +of it. However it's all right now. How are _you_?" And he went mad +again. + +At Paddington I bought a label at the bookstall and wrote it for him. +He went round and round my leg looking for me. "Funny thing," he said +as he began to unwind, "he was here a moment ago. I'll just go round +once more. I rather think ... _Ow!_ Oh, there you are!" I stepped off +him, unravelled the lead and dragged him to the Parcels Office. + +"I want to send this by the two o'clock train," I said to the man the +other side of the counter. + +"Send what?" he said. + +I looked down. Chum was making himself very small and black in the +shadow of the counter. He was completely hidden from the sight of +anybody the other side of it. + +"Come out," I said, "and show yourself." + +"Not much," he said. "A parcel! I'm not going to be a jolly old parcel +for anybody." + +"It's only a way of speaking," I pleaded. "Actually you are travelling +as a small black gentleman. You will go with the guard--a delightful +man." + +Chum came out reluctantly. The clerk leant over the counter and +managed to see him. + +"According to our regulations," he said, and I always dislike people +who begin like that, "he has to be on a chain. A leather lead won't +do." + +Chum smiled all over himself. I don't know which pleased him +more--the suggestion that he was a very large and fierce dog, or the +impossibility now of his travelling with the guard, delightful man +though he might be. He gave himself a shake and started for the door. + +"Tut, tut, it's a great disappointment to me," he said, trying to +look disappointed, but his back _would_ wriggle. "This chain +business--silly of us not + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLACK MAN'S BURDEN. + +REFRAIN BY NATIVES OF SOUTH AFRICA AND KIKUYU.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Kindly Hostess_ (_to nervous reciter who has broken +down in "The Charge of the Light Brigade"_). "NEVER MIND MR. TOMPKINS, +JUST TELL US IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS."] + + * * * * * + +to have known--well, well, we shall be wiser another time. Now let's +go home." + +Poor old Chum; I _had_ known. From a large coat pocket I produced a +chain. + +"_Dash_ it," said Chum, looking up at me pathetically, "you might +almost _want_ to get rid of me." + +He was chained, and the label tied on to him. Forgive me that label, +Chum; I think that was the worst offence of all. And why should I +label one who was speaking so eloquently for himself; who said from +the tip of his little black nose to the end of his stumpy black tail, +"I'm a silly old ass, but there's nothing wrong in me, and they're +sending me away!" But according to the regulations--one must obey the +regulations, Chum. + +I gave him to the guard--a delightful man. The guard and I chained him +to a brake or something. Then the guard went away, and Chum and I had +a little talk ... + +After that the train went off. + +Good-bye, little dog. A.A.M. + + * * * * * + + "Lady Strachie wishes to thoroughly recommend her permanent + Caretaker and Husband."--_Advt. in "Morning Post."_ + +Lord STRACHIE should be a proud man to-day. + + * * * * * + +HOW GREAT MEN SHOW EMOTION. + + [Mr. HANDEL BOOTH, speaking in Hyde Park recently, declared + that, when he informed Lord ABERDEEN of the conduct of the + police during the Dublin riots, the Lord Lieutenant "buried + his head in his hands."] + +Mr. Leo Maxixe, writing in _The Irrational Review_, states that he +has it on the best authority that when the GERMAN EMPEROR read the +Criccieth New Year's interview with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE he exclaimed, +"This beats the Tango," and fell heavily on the hearthrug. + +Mr. James Larvin, addressing a meeting of the Confederates at the +Saveloy Hotel, informed his hearers that when Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL +read the article in _The Daily Mail_ on his future he stood on his +head in the corner for three minutes, to the great embarrassment of +Sir FRANCIS HOPWOOD, who was present. + +Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, writing in _The British Weekly_, asserts +that when Mr. MASSINGHAM read "C.K.S.'s" recent reference to _The +Nation_ in _The Sphere_ he kicked the waste-paper basket round the +room and tore the hair out of his head in handfuls. + +Mr. CECIL CHESTERTON, addressing a meeting of non-party fishmongers at +Billingsgate last week, stated that he had heard that when Mr. GODFREY +ISAACS informed the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE that Mr. HANDEL BOOTH had +retired from the Dublin Police Inquiry Lord READING OF EARLEY burst +into tears and hid his face in his wig. + + * * * * * + +WHY MR. CHESTERTON SHUNS THE ISLE OF WIGHT. + +Extract from local time-table:-- + + "10.45 a.m. Motor Service between Freshwater and Newport + for light passengers only." + + * * * * * + + "Referring to the plea of Dr. Budge, the poet laureate, + for purer English, a writer in the 'Daily Chronicle' + says...."--_Glasgow Evening Citizen_. + +Purer spelling of names is what the POET LAUREATE would really like to +see. + + * * * * * + +It was very touching of _The Evening News_ to give so much space to +the distressing story of the real Duchess who could not get a seat at +Olympia--(surely they might have thrown out a common person to make +room for her?)--but it was tactless to go on: + + "'If you will bring me a couple of chairs,' said the duchess, + 'I will sit down in the gangway with the greatest pleasure.'" + +It makes one wonder which of our larger duchesses it was. + + * * * * * + +THE HOUSE OF PUNCH. + + [He "married a princess of the House of Punch."--_Excerpt + front an account of the life of a former King of Kashmir_.] + + Hail, Master, and accept the news I bring. + I come to make a solemn mystery clear, + One that affects you deeply; for I sing + Of a most ancient king + Nine hundred years ago in fair Kashmir, + Who yearned towards a bride, and--hear, oh hear, + Lord of the reboant nose and classic hunch-- + "Married a princess of the House of Punch." + + Yes, you are royal, as one might have seen. + The loftiness of your despotic sway, + Your strange aloofness and unearthly mien + (Yet regal) might have been + A full assurance of monarchic clay. + Had but the fates run kindly, at this day + Yourself should be a king of orient fame, + Chief of the princely house that bears your name. + + Methinks I see you at it. I can see + A shamiana[1] loftily upreared + Beneath a banyan (or banana) tree, + Whichever it may be, + Where, with bright turban and vermilion beard + (A not unfrequent sight, and very weird), + You sit at peace; a small boy, doubly bowed, + Acts as your footstool and, though stiff, is proud. + + Fragrant with Champak scents the warm wind sighs + Heavily, faintly, languorously fanned + By drowsy peacock-plumes--to keep the flies + From your full nose and eyes-- + Waved from behind you, where on either hand + Two silent slaves of Nubian polish stand, + Whose patent-leather visages reflect + The convex day, with mirror-like effect. + + Robed in a garment of the choicest spoil + Of Persian looms, you sit apart to deal + Grace to the suppliant and reward for toil, + T'abase the proud, and boil + The malefactor, till upon you steal + Mild qualms suggestive of the mid-day meal; + And, then, what plump, what luscious fruits are those? + What goblets of what vintage? Goodness knows. + + Gladly would I pursue this glowing dream, + To sing of deeds of chivalry and sport, + Of cushioned dalliance in the soft hareem + (A really splendid theme), + The pundits and tame poets at your court, + And all such pride, but I must keep it short. + Once let me off upon a thing so bright, + And I should hardly stop without a fight. + + But now you stand plain Mister; and, no doubt, + Would have for choice this visioned pomp untold. + Yet, Sire, I beg you, cast such musings out; + Put not yourself about + For a vain dream. If I may make so bold, + Your present lot should keep you well consoled. + You still are great, and have, when all is done, + A fine old Eastern smack, majestic One. + + The vassals of your fathers were but few + Compared with yours, who move the whole world wide; + You still can splash an oriental hue, + Red, yellow, green or blue, + Upon a fresh and various outside; + While you support--perhaps your greatest pride + High pundits for your intellectual feast, + And some tame bards, of whom I am the least. + + DUM-DUM. + +[Footnote 1: Tent] + + * * * * * + +GIVEN AWAY. + +A correspondent of _The Times_ writes:--"The _Niva_, the _Russian +Family Herald_, promises to annual subscribers, in addition to a copy +of the paper every week-- + + The complete works of Korolenko in twenty-five volumes. + The complete works of Edmond Rostand. + The complete works of Maikof. + A literary supplement every month. + A fashion book. + A book of patterns of fancy-work designs. + A tear-off calendar for 1914," + +and adds, "Where does English or American journalistic enterprise +stand beside this?" + +We understand that our more enterprising contemporaries have no +intention of allowing this question to remain unanswered, and the +wildest rumours are afloat as to the nature of the gifts which will be +offered next year to annual subscribers by various British journals. + +With a view to test the accuracy of these rumours our Special +Representative called yesterday upon the Editors of several leading +publications, and, although much secrecy is still maintained, he has +succeeded in collecting some valuable information. For instance, the +report that _The Nineteenth Century and After_ would include among +its gifts the dramatic works of the MELVILLE BROS., _HOW to Dance the +Tango_, and _Sweeter than Honey_, a novel with a strong love interest, +lacks confirmation; nor are we in a position to assert definitely that +_The Spectator_ will present a beautiful coloured supplement, entitled +"Susie's Pet Pup," and a handsome mug bearing the inscription: "A +Present from Loo," though we believe that such may be the case. + +On the other hand, _The Times'_ reply to an inquiry as to whether +they would present to each reader half a ton of supplements was that +they had done so for some years past; and _The Daily Mirror_ did not +deny that they were considering the proposal to present a framed +copy of the portrait of John Tiffinch which appeared in their issue +of February 29, 1913. (Tiffinch, our readers will remember, was +brother-in-law to the man who discovered the great emerald robbery.) + +_The British Medical Journal's_ list will include the works of GEORGE +BERNARD SHAW and the Life of Mrs. EDDY; but the report that _The +Tailor and Cutter_ would present _Wild Tribes of Central Africa_ is +emphatically denied. + +Finally, _The Boxing World_ had not thought of offering any +free-gifts, but on learning that BOSWELL had written a Life of JOHNSON +seemed inclined to reconsider their decision. + + * * * * * + + "In order to counteract a tendency to stoutness which + ex-President Taft is now overcoming, the Kaiser has lately + undergone a systematic course of outdoor 'training.'"--_Daily + Mail_. + +This is very friendly of the KAISER, but Mr. TAFT will probably do it +better by himself. + +Says an Edinburgh tram-car advertisement:-- + + THE SCOTTISH ORCHESTRA. + Conductor..........E. Mlynarski. + Solo Violinist.....Duci Kerekjarto." + +You should see these natives when they get among the haggis. Hoots! + + * * * * * + +THE KAKEKIKOKUANS; + +OR, THE HEATHEN IN HIS BLINDNESS. + +THE country of Kakekikoku, as its name suggests, lies in the vicinity +of Timbuctoo, the well-known African resort; and at the present time, +when so much interest is centred upon that little-known land, it may +be profitable to our readers, as well as to the writer, to give some +information about it. + +A famous Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society, who has travelled +widely, not only in this country but in Belgium and the Channel +Islands, has stated that Kakekikoku is richly endowed with the +bewilderments, perils and mysteries of primitive and unexplored +African territory. A warlike and exclusive folk, the Kakekikokuans +extend a red-hot welcome to the foreigner who ventures within their +borders. They are possessed of a fine physique and an intelligence +of a subtler kind than many savage races can pretend to; yet while +having all the qualities that should go to the building up of a +strong nation, certain conditions of their life bar the way to such an +achievement. In a word, the Kakekikokuans are in the clutches of the +medicine-man. Each of these despots has his own little following, and +wields a distinctive influence, it being a point of honour with him +that his teaching should differ in some way (usually in but a trivial +detail) from the teaching of any other of his kind. The solemnity of +their discussions and the heat of their dissensions about the minutiæ +of their creeds would be laughable were it not so pathetic.. + +And not only do the medicine-men dispute among themselves, but their +followers engage even more vehemently in bitter strife. For instance, +there is a national belief that the juby-juby nut, which grows in the +forests in profusion, possesses some supernatural virtue that will +make a man who chews it impervious to the weapons of his enemies. +That this virtue exists is generally accepted; but when it comes to +a discussion of how, when and where to chew the nut, much wrangling +goes on; and such men as survive in battle claim that their particular +method is proved to be the correct one, while such as succumb are +cited in proof of the error of their process of absorbing the +juices of the juby-juby nut. The survivors include, of course, +representatives of various schools of thought, and a battle against +a common enemy rarely goes by without being immediately followed by +a conflict among the surviving Kakekikokuans in order to put to final +proof their respective theories about their remarkable fruit. Thus a +promising people is committing race-suicide; for this sort of thing +goes on not only in connection with this particular problem, but over +such questions as the number of beads to wear round one's neck when +visiting the medicine-man, whether the national custom of saluting +the rising sun need be observed on cloudy mornings, and whether +the medicine-man is entitled to the pick of the yams on any day but +Sunday. People of different opinions on these points decline to eat +together or to enter into social intercourse with one another; and +their children are forbidden to mingle in play. + +The good news has just come to hand, however, that a band of Church +of England missionaries, despatched by the Bishop of ZANZIBAR, has +now entered the country; and it is delightful to contemplate the +beneficent result that may be expected from their broadminded attitude +and their sane teaching on the subject of the brotherhood of man. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Observant Lady_ (_to gentleman alighting from 'bus_). +"_I_ THINK YOU'VE DROPPED A PENNY!"] + + * * * * * + + "The Berlin critics have been accusing Mr. Bernard Shaw of + having committed in his 'Pygmalion,' produced in Germany the + other day, a plagiarism from Smollett's novel, 'Peregrine + Pickle.' Mr. Shaw denies that he has ever read the novel + in question, and, in an interview in the London 'Observer,' + remarks: 'The suggestion of the German papers that I had + Pygmalion produced in Germany lest I should be detected in + my own country of plagiarism, shows an amusing ignorance of + English culture.'"--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + +It does. Why even our most cultured countryman, Mr. BERNARD SHAW, has +never read _Peregrine Pickle_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Spademan, of Woodnewton, Northants, placed a dozen eggs + under a hen some time ago, and there were hatched out thirteen + chickens, one of the eggs being double-yolked. All the young + birds are doing well. + + Burroughes and Watts' billiard tables for + accuracy."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_. + +They are, in fact, a lesson to Mr. STADEMAN's hens. + + * * * * * + +LACONICS. + +"As a matter of fact," said the doctor, "you ought not to speak at +all. But that's asking too much. So let it go at this--not a word more +than is necessary. Good-bye.", + +He left the room and I lay back pondering on his instructions. How +many words were really necessary? + +The nurse soon after entered. + +"So the doctor's gone," she said. + +Obviously it wasn't necessary to say Yes, since the room was empty +save for me and her; so I made no reply. + +She went to the window and looked out. The sky was blue and the +sunshine was brilliant. + +"It's a fine day," she said. + +No, I thought, you don't catch me there; and said nothing. But I +reflected that yesterday I might myself have made the same inane +remark as she. + +"Would you like the paper?" she asked. + +"Yes," I said, and then almost regretted it, for having waited nearly +fifty years for yesterday's news surely I could wait longer. Still, +the paper would help to pass the time. + +While she was fetching it I remembered a dream of last night which I +had intended to tell her this morning. + +But why do so? A dream is of no account even to the dreamer. Still, +the recital might have made her laugh. But why should laughter be +bothered about? + +The nurse brought the paper and I signified Thank you. + +"I'll leave you for a while now," she said; "The fire's all right. +Your drink's by the bed. You'll ring if you want anything." + +All these things I knew. My drink is always beside the bed; the bell +is the natural communication between me and the house. What a foolish +chatterbox the woman was! I nodded and she went out. + +On her return an hour or so later she asked, "Is there anything in the +paper?" + +Before answering I examined this question. What did it mean? It did +not mean, Are the pages this morning absolutely blank, for a change? +It meant, Is there a good murder? Is any very important person dead? +In reply I handed the paper to her. + +Instead of reading it she began a long account of her morning's +walk. She told me where she had been; whom she had seen; whom she +had thought she had seen and then found that it was some one else; +what somebody had said. Not a syllable mattered, I now realised; +but yesterday I should have joined in the talk, asked questions, +encouraged her in her foolishness. + +Just before lunch my brother and a guest came into the room and began +to talk about golf. My brother said that he had been round in 98. This +was his best since September, when he went round in 97. He described +his difficulties at the tenth hole. + +It all seemed very idiotic to me, for the game was over and done with. +Why rake it up? + +The guest said that he had lost two balls, one of which was expensive. +His driving had been good, but in the short game he had been weak. +He could never quite make up his mind whether he putted best with a +gun-metal putter or a wooden one. + +My brother asked me if I remembered that long drive of his two years +ago? + +I nodded. + +The nurse came in and told them to go. She then asked me if I was +hungry. + +"Very," I said. + +She brought me some beef-tea and calf's-foot-jelly, remarking that +they were easily taken and "would not hurt my throat." + +That was why they were chosen, of course. + +In the afternoon I had a visit from my Aunt Lavinia, who sat down with +the remark that she would tell me all the news. + +"You remember Esther?" she began. + +Esther is my cousin and we were brought up together. How could I have +forgotten her? + +What she told me about Esther was of no consequence. Then she told me +how she had nearly lost her luggage at Brighton--she quite thought she +had lost it, in fact--but, as it happened, it turned up. "And if I had +lost it," she said, "it would have been dreadful, for I had a number +of dear Stella's beautiful sketches in one of my trunks. Quite +irreplaceable. However, it is all right." + +Then why tell me? + +And so she rattled on. + +"You don't say anything," she said at last. + +It was true. I had said nothing. I told her what the doctor +instructed. + +"Quite right," she remarked. "I wish other people even in good health +could have the same prescription." + +Just before dinner my brother came in again. "You've had Aunt Lavinia +here," he said. + +I had. + +"Getting quite grey, I thought," he said. + +I had noticed it too. + +He was smoking, and while he was with me he emptied his pipe and +filled it again. He thought he had knocked the burning ash in the +grate, but it had fallen in the turn-up of his right trouser-leg. + +Should I tell him? I wondered. He would, of course, find it out from +the smell, but meanwhile the cloth would be burned through. + +"Your trouser's burning," I said. + +That was the only remark I volunteered all that day; and really, +except now and then on business, I don't see why one should ever +talk more. + + * * * * * + +CURLING. + +(_THE GAME AND HOW TO PLAY IT, BY A WINTER SPORT._) + +Take a piece of ice (you'll want Switzerland for this). Draw two +circles, one at each end. Draw a line a short distance from each +circle. The drawing can be done with a pin, pocket-knife, diamond, +axe, friend's razor or other edged or pointed instrument. I give no +dimensions because they are dull things and I hate guessing. Talk of +the circles at each end as "houses" and the lines as "hogs," and you +are well on the road to become a curler. + +Take two narrow pieces of tin with prickly eruptions on one side. +Place one each end of the ice-patch, prickly side down, and stamp on +the smooth side. Why these pieces of tin are called "crampits" I can't +tell you, unless it's just part of the fun. + +You now have a prepared patch that can be used for hop-scotch, +shove-halfpenny, Rugby football or curling. If you have named the +things as directed you really ought to use it for curling. + +We now come to the question of players. This is one of the most +important parts of the game. Four a side is the almost ideal number, +but a few more or less do not make any very great difference. But be +sure to get some Scotchmen. They take the game seriously and do much +to make the whole affair bright and mirthful. A slight sprinkling of +Irishmen often serves to bring out more prominently the flavour of the +Scottish humour. + +Don't play for money unless you have the majority of Scotchmen on your +side. + +The game is played with "stones," or, to use their Scotch pseudonym, +"stanes." To every man two stanes. You can either get your "stanes" +in England and travel out with them, or hire them in the locality. +They make the most pleasant travelling companions and at times are +the cause of many amusing incidents which beguile the tedium of the +journey. Also they often lead to your picking up chance acquaintances. +I have known one stone placed in a dimly lighted corridor of a +train productive of much merriment and harmless banter. Being of +considerable weight they do not readily respond to a playful kick, but +having no sharp corners they are seldom responsible for serious injury +to the kicker. + +Every stone, when new, has a handle. Be careful to preserve the handle +intact on the upper part of the stone. If this adjunct be lost or +mislaid the stone is less amenable to transit and almost useless for +its original purpose. + +You will also require a long-handled carpet-broom, which you will on +arrival re-name a "cow." Most dressing-bags constructed for foreign +travel are now fitted with these useful and picturesque articles. +The "cow" is used for two purposes. If you are lucky enough to be +appointed scorer for your side you mark the score on the handle in +such a way as to be indecipherable by everyone but yourself. This +prevents disputes with regard to the accuracy of your arithmetic. +You also use it to sweep the ice in front of a friendly stone which +appears likely to give up prematurely from exhaustion. Sweeping is +carried out under the direction of your captain, and the process is +known in the vernacular as "sooping 'er oop." You are not allowed +to retard the progress of a stone, friendly or otherwise, by +intentionally sweeping obstructions into its path. To discard a +portion of your "cow" in front of a rapidly advancing stone is +actionable. + +Over-enthusiasm in "sooping 'er 'oop" should be avoided. Ice is +proverbially slippery, and if you fall on to a friendly stone from +excess of energy or from debility, your side is "huffed" that stone. +This is a serious matter, and even if you are able to continue the +game you are looked on with disfavour by your friends. + +The object of the game is to get your stone as near as possible to the +centre of the circle at the other end of the rink. With this object +you stand on the piece of tin or "crampit" before referred to, grasp +the stone firmly by the handle and hurl it along the ice. It is almost +essential to let go the stone at the right moment, otherwise it will +hurl you. The game is almost identical with the commoner game of +"bowls," except for the language, which is worse. The term "wood" +is inappropriate and must be avoided, as the use of it may lay you +under a charge of ignorance or flippancy, which you will find almost +impossible to live down. + +I will conclude with a few hints to novices. Preserve a cool head +and steady eye. Whilst you are playing your shot your captain will be +dancing about in the circle at the other end of the ice. You will find +it best to disregard his maniacal shoutings and gesticulations. You +will probably not understand half of them and will not agree with the +other half. If he should break a blood-vessel do not take any notice +unless some part of his fallen body is likely to obstruct your stone. +In this case you are entitled to have him moved. + +If, after you have played, cries of "hog" or "wobbler" arise, remember +that you are engaged in a sport and not in politics and that there +is nothing really offensive in the terms. Finally, never scoff at the +language used, and above all remember that what is one man's game may +be another's religion. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIFE'S LITTLE TRAGEDIES. + +SHY AND NERVOUS HUSBAND, ABANDONED IN COSTUME DEPARTMENT BY HIS +WIFE WHO HAS GONE TO THE FITTING-ROOM TO HAVE HER DRESS FITTED, AND +SURROUNDED BY TALL AND BEAUTEOUS YOUNG LADIES WHOSE ONLY BUSINESS +SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A WORM.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EH, BUT I HAD A RARE TIME LAST YEAR-R. A WAS AT MA +COUSIN MACWHUSKIE'S A WHOLE FORTNIGHT, AN' A DIDNA ONCE KEN A WAS +THEER!"] + + * * * * * + +REVENGE. + +(_OR, A HINT TO A HOUSE-AGENT AFTER COMING AWAY FROM HIS OFFICE._) + + Your voice was pleasing and your face was fat; + With soap _ad libitum_ you sought to dabble us; + But when I told you we must leave the flat + Did I not notice; underneath the spat, + The bifurcated boot that marks _Diabolus_? + + I know that in a brief while you'll have found + The house I wanted (_sic_), superbly roomy, + With a fine view and every comfort crowned, + A short three minutes from the Underground; + Also I know that you are safe to "do" me. + + There will be something wrong; but you shall fill + My ears with praises specious and irrelevant + Of this and that; and you shall have your will, + And heave a deep sigh when I've paid my bill, + Having got off at last some rare white elephant. + + And when things happen to "The Yews" or "Planes" + Left by the Joneses like a haunt of lazars; + When the roof falls, or in the winter rains + The dining-room breaks out in sudden blains, + And every feast we have recalls BELSHAZZAR's; + + You shall be smiling. But you have not guessed + One thing, for all your wisdom, child of Lucifer: + You did not know I was a bard, whose breast + Could boil with bitter language when oppressed + Like a bargee's; if anything, abusiver. + + This is the high reward of sacred song; + The minstrels' voices are like falling honey + When the gods please them, but when things go wrong + They speak their mind out straight, and speak it strong, + Especially on points concerned with money. + + So, if you "do me down," I have my lyre, + And I shall trumpet (at the normal Press wage) + Such things about that house, and with such fire, + That all men ever after shall conspire + To shun the said demesne and curse that messuage. + + And spiders on the broken panes shall sit, + And the grey rats shall scuttle in the basement, + Until the Borough Council purchase it + And cleanse and decorate, and lastly fit + A fair blue _plaque_ above the study casement, + + Saying, "Here lived a while and wove his spell, + Eusebius Binks the bard, the unforgotten; + The house is mentioned in his 'Lines to Hell,' + Also the agents, Messrs. Azazel, + And the then drains which, so he sang, were rotten." + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +_The Daily Telegraph_ says of the Portsmouth Corporation telephone +system:-- + + "At present there are 1,899 subscribers and 2,528 distinct + telephones." + +Why doesn't the Post Office experiment with this new sort of +telephone. + + * * * * * + + "Yet it is necessary to state emphatically, although no representative + of a daily newspaper seems to have been under this impression, that not + for twenty years have I been so bored." + + _C.K.S. in "The Sphere," on the 'Edwin Drood' trial_. + +But how are the poor reporters to know so much about C.K.S. as that? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COULEUR D'ORANGE. + +MR. ASQUITH (_on the Riviera_). "LUCKY FOR ME THERE AREN'T ANY +'CONVERSATIONS' HERE--I MIGHT AGREE TO ALMOST ANYTHING."] + + * * * * * + +THE POST OFFICE AGAIN. + +DEAR UNCLE,--Its your birthday to-day. I sent you some nice pairs of +hankerchifs because its your birthday. They for your nose. Its funny +our birthdays being so close. And now no more from your loving neice + +NANCY. + +MY DEAR NANCY,--Thank you very much indeed for the nice +pocket-handkerchiefs. I am very pleased with them. Nobody has ever +troubled to give me handkerchiefs before with pretty flowers worked in +the corners. I have been wearing them to-day, or rather one of them. +They are so nice that I really meant to have kept them specially for +parties and things like that, but, as I was obliged to leave home in +a great hurry this morning, and someone had hidden my everyday +handkerchiefs, I took one of yours. + +Such a funny thing has happened. I sent you for your birthday a pretty +card with birds on it, and somehow or other it got taken in quite a +different direction, and was returned to me this morning by--whom do +you think? Auntie Maud, all the way away in Ireland. But we mustn't +blame the Postmaster-General without being absolutely sure of +ourselves. It is very difficult in mysterious cases like this to be +absolutely sure. Didn't you get my parcel? I sent it off at the same +time as I sent the card, and I haven't had the parcel back. I wonder +where it is. It looks as though things were going on that you and I +know nothing about. I shall be very angry with him if he has forgotten +to give you your parcel. + +Hoping you are quite well, thank you, Your loving + +UNCLE HENRY. + +DEAR UNCLE,--Thank you for your pretty card for my birthday. I didn't +got your parsel. Its very naughty of him when its my birthday. I hop +youll be very very angry with him because its my birthday and I didnt +get your parsel. And now no more from your loving neice + +NANCY. + +_The Postmaster-General_. + +SIR,--On Tuesday last I despatched by book-post a parcel from the +South-Western District Office. It is now Friday, and the parcel +has not been delivered. I should esteem it a favour if you would +kindly give the Official Handicapper for the District in question +instructions to allow my parcel to start forthwith. Yours faithfully, + +HY. FRESHFIELD. + +_The Postmaster-General_. + +SIR,--In reply to your enquiry as to the nature of the parcel, I beg +to inform you that it was oblong in shape and done up in brown paper +and tied securely with string. To assist you still further in the +task of identification, I may mention that it is addressed to Miss +Nancy Freshfield, c/o F.E.L. Freshfield, Esq., 47, Ottalie Gardens, +Westminster, S.W. + +Trusting that nothing serious has occurred to disqualify my parcel, +Yours faithfully, HY. FRESHFIELD. + +DEAR UNCLE,--I thought it was such a long time my parsel didnt come I +would write to you dear Uncle. I hop you were very angry with him. And +now no more + +from your loving neice NANCY. + +DEAR SIR,--I am directed by the Postmaster-General to inform you that +your parcel has now been traced. + +The name of the addressee was correctly stated by you, but you omitted +to append such further instructions for the guidance of the Post +Office as to indicate the destination to which you desired it to go. +I have the pleasure to add that the fuller information has been copied +in from your letter, and the parcel despatched.... + +DEAR NANCY,--By the same post that brought me your letter I heard from +our absent-minded friend, the Postmaster-General. You will be pained +to learn that he is even more absent-minded than we thought he was. +Although, when I handed him your parcel, I distinctly told him it +was going to Westminster, the moment my back is turned he must needs +forget all about it. + +I feel really rather sorry for him, and I don't think we ought to be +angry any more. He can't possibly forget now, because I have written +the address down for him. Your loving + +UNCLE HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT TO DO WITH OUR FAT MEN; OR, EVERY LITTLE HELPS.] + + * * * * * + +A CABINET CRISIS. + +It had to be faced at last. There is a demand for them occasionally, +and people won't put up with that excellent one taken under the +crab-apple tree any longer. + +I was caught just right there. The sun was in an indulgent mood and +winked at the signs of advancing age. The bald patch was out of sight, +and the smile would have softened the heart of an income-tax assessor. +I acquired the negative from the amateur performer, and had it +vignetted, which made it better still, as there was a space between +the cashmere sock and the spring trousering in the original that I did +not want attention drawn to. I had a large number of prints made, and +dealt them out to anybody who asked for a photograph of me. At first +they aroused considerable enthusiasm, but after five or six years a +look of doubt began to appear on the faces of the recipients. Hadn't I +got a later one? This was very nice, but--I pointed out that I hadn't +changed at all, or only a very little. At my best I was still like +that; and didn't they want me at my best? + +At last a person described by himself as plain-spoken, and by other +people as offensively rude, said that I had never really been as +good-looking as that, with all possible allowances made, and any way +he wanted a photograph and not a memorial card. I took a firm stand, +and said that if he wasn't satisfied with that one he could go without +altogether, and he said in the most insulting way that he supposed he +should be himself again in time if he took a tonic. + +A few more episodes of that sort eventually drove me to it. I passed +my _viva-voce_ examination at the hands of the young lady at the desk, +paid my fees, got my testamur, and was shown into the torture-chamber, +where the head executioner was busy adjusting his racks and screws. + +I was rather taken with the rustic seat that was standing on a white +fur mat in front of a scene representing the Jungfrau, but he headed +me off it. If I liked the Jungfrau as a background I could have +it, but not with the seat; that was for engaged couples only. He +recommended a pair of skis, or a bobsleigh; he could put a fine fall +of snow into the negative. But as I had arrayed myself in a black +coat, with one of those white waistcoat slips, and a flowing tie with +a pearl pin, I refused this offer, and we decided we wouldn't have a +background at all. + +As the man who administered the laughing gas was out at lunch, I +prepared to go through with it in cold blood, and seated myself in the +operating chair in the most natural attitude I could assume--something +like the one I had taken under the crab-tree. I thought I would show +them that there wasn't so much difference after all. But it did not +suit the head mechanic at all. He looked at me with his head on one +side, and then took hold of mine by the chin and the hair and gave it +a twist. I had never worn it at that angle in my life, and I knew it +would put my collar all wrong; but I had to do what he told me. He +arranged my coat so that it should look as if it had been made to +fit somebody else, and disposed my arms in such a way as to give the +sleeves the appearance of trouser legs with rucks in them. I felt +almost more sorry for my tailor than for myself, but I shall send him +one of the prints when I get them; it will be good for him. + +We were now ready to tackle the expression. I had chosen one that +would have been suitable for a man with a fair No Trump hand, but +with one suit not fully guarded, as I didn't want to overdo it; but, +judging from the inquisitor's remarks about the graveside, I am quite +ready to admit that it might not have come out like that. I hastily +dealt myself a hundred aces and a long suit of clubs, and he said +that that was better, but I must put off the idea of the funeral +altogether. It was not until I had assumed the appearance of a +reach-me-down Nut with a dislocated neck, being made love to by +six chorus-girls at once, that he condescended to take a look at +me through the peephole. Then he ran up to me, gave my chin another +hitch, pulled my neck another foot or two out of my collar, added a +ruck or two to my sleeves, and said he liked the other side of my face +better, after all. + +So we went through it all again, and I worked at it with a will, for I +wanted to see him get under his black cloth and finish the business. + +It wasn't as bad as I had thought, but he was not done by any means +when he had fired his first shot. He rammed more cartridges into the +breach, and twisted me into three fresh contortions. He said he was +sure that some of the efforts would turn out magnificently. + +I don't feel quite the same confidence myself. I am anxiously +awaiting the result, and trying to get rid of the crick in my neck +and to unbuckle the smile in the meantime. If it doesn't turn out +satisfactorily, I shall get a few lines--not too deep--put into the +negative of the one taken under the crab-tree, and a little hair +painted out--but not too much. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WORK! I'M NOT AFRAID O' WORK, BUT I CAN'T GET ANY IN +MY LINE." + +"WHAT IS YOUR LINE?" + +"I USED TO BE A STOCKBROKER, LIDY."] + + * * * * * + + "Lemnos and Samothrace are to pass to Greece, and Chios and + Wtlylene are to be neutralised."--_Daily Citizen_. + +We shall remain anxious until the last-named is sterilized. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAGEDY OF MIDDLE AGE. + + When I was a mid-Victorian nut + With a delicate taste in ties, + A highly elegant figure I cut, + At least in my own fond eyes, + And used to regard unwaxed moustaches + As one of the worst of social laches. + + But now I find in my youngest son + The sternest of autocrats. + He tells me the things that must be done + And orders my collars and spats; + Prescribes mild exercise on the links + And advises me on the choice of drinks. + + I've faithfully striven to imitate + My Mentor in dress and diction, + And loyally laboured to cultivate + A taste for the latest fiction; + Though I still read DICKENS upon the sly, + And even SCOTT, when nobody's by. + + It's true I've managed to draw the line + At going to tango teas, + For, after all, I am fifty-nine + And a trifle stiff in the knees; + But I've had to give up billiards for "slosh," + And pay laborious homage to "squash." + + Long since my whiskers I had to shave + To please this young barbarian, + But still for a while I stealthily clave + To the use of Pommade Hungarian; + But now my tyrant has made me snip + The glory and pride of my upper lip. + + "My dear old man," he recently said, + "If you go on waxing the ends, + You're bound to be cut, direct and dead, + By all of my nuttiest friends. + For it's only done, so _The Mail_ discovers, + By Labour leaders and taxi-shovers." + + So the deed was done, but whenever I gaze + On my face in the glass I moan + As I think of the mid-Victorian days + When my upper lip was my own. + For now, of length and of breadth bereft, + The ghost of a tooth-brush is all that's left. + + * * * * * + + "MISSING NAVY PAYMASTER ARRESTED." + + _"Evening Standard" Poster._ + +So that's where it was all the time! + + * * * * * + + "The Under-sheriff said ... rumours against a man's + character were like a rolling stone, gathering moss as it + went."--_Western Mail_. + +"As fond of the fire as a burnt child," is another of the Under +Sheriff's favourite sayings. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Indulgent Householder_. "WHY ARE YOU SINGING CAROLS, +MY LITTLE MAN? DON'T YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER?" + +_Youthful Caroller_. "YES, SIR; BUT I 'AD MEASLES ALL FROO +CHRISTMAS."] + + * * * * * + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +GLAMOUR. + +Once upon a time there was a peer who knew the frailty of unennobled +man. + +Having occasion to entertain at dinner a number of useful follows, he +instructed his butler to transfer the labels from a number of empty +bottles of champagne to an equal number of magnums of dry ginger-ale, +at ten shillings the dozen, and these were placed on the table. + +At the beginning of the repast his lordship casually drew attention +to the wine which he was giving his guests, and asked for their candid +opinion of it, as he was aware that they were all good judges, who +knew a good thing when they saw it, and he would value their opinion. + +And they one and all said it was an excellent champagne, and two or +three made a note of it in their pocket-books. And such was their +loyal enthusiasm that the banquet ended in a fine glow of something +exactly like hilarity. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MARY-GIRL." + +"I'm not going to give up my daily bath!" In these pregnant and moving +words rang the _cri de coeur_ which was to precipitate the tragedy of +_Mary Sheppard_. To you the attitude of mind which provoked this cry +may seem as natural as it was sanitary. But you must understand that +it ran directly counter to _Ezra Sheppard's_ ideal of the simple +God-fearing life. Godliness with him came first, and cleanliness +followed where it could. In his view a tub once a week was all that +any sane person should need. Apart from this hebdomadal use its proper +function was to hold dirty dishes and soiled clothes for the washing. +And indeed this had at one time been _Mary's_ own view (though +tempered by vague aspirations towards a softer existence, as we might +have guessed from the elegance of her brown shoes) before a year of +the higher life had shaken her content. Let us go back. + +[Illustration: Mr. MCKINNEL (_Ezra Sheppard_) to Miss MAY BLAYNEY +(_Mary Sheppard_). "You've been lying again! You know how I hate it--I +told you so in this very theatre when we were playing in _Between +Sunset and Dawn_."] + +_Ezra Sheppard_ was by profession a market-gardener, and his favourite +recreation was preaching in a barn. We have the picture of a frugal +but happy interior, with a new-born infant (_off_). The trouble began +with an offer made to his wife of a situation as foster-mother to +the baby (also _off_) of a neighbouring Countess. The wages were to +be high and she was to be delicately entreated; but there were hard +conditions. She was not to hold communication with her husband or +child for twelve months. I am sorry to say that _Mary_ did not flinch +from these conditions quite so much as I could have hoped. _Ezra_, +however, rejected them for her with manly scorn, until he was reminded +that the high wages would speed the end of his own ambitions--namely, +to replace his barn with a conventicle of brick. So he let his wife +loose into Eden with the Serpent. + +And now we see _Mary_ seated in the lap of luxury, with soft gowns to +wear, and peaches to eat and instant slaves at her beck. You will, of +course, expect her virtue to fall an easy prey; but you will be wrong. +The Earl's attitude is pleasantly parental, and the attentions of +the Countess's cavalier--an author--are confined to the extraction +of copy. And anyhow _Mary's_ instincts are sound. Now and again she +remembers to pity the loneliness of her husband, whose cottage light +she can see from the window of her bower; and once, by a ruse, she +gets him to break the conditions and visit her; but when he learns +that the invitation came from her, and not, as alleged, from the +Countess, his conscience will not permit him to take advantage of his +chance. So you have the unusual spectacle of a true and loving wife +pleading in vain for the embraces of her true and loving husband. + +But if her virtue, in the technical sense, remained intact, the +Serpent had overfed her with _pommes de luxe_. On her return +home--where the restoration of her child might have helped matters, +but it doesn't know who she is and refuses to part from its +foster-mother--we find her lethargic, off her feed, indifferent to the +claims of menial toil, and clamorous (as I have shown) for her rights +of the daily bath. + +In the first joy of conjugal reunion _Ezra_ consents to tolerate the +discomfort of this change, but in the end he loses patience and hits +her. She leaves for London the same afternoon. + +Six black months pass over the husband's bowed head, and then, on a +very windy night (the wind was well done), she makes a re-entry, and +confesses that, under stress of need, she has lapsed from virtue. This +is bad news for _Ezra_, but he is prepared to forgive a fault in which +he himself has had a fair share. Only there must be a sacrifice of +something, if moral justice is to be appeased. So he chooses between +his wife and his chapel and does execution on the latter. He goes +out into the storm and sets the thing alight. His conscience is thus +purified by fire, the gale being favourable to arson. + +It is a pity that so excellent an object as a brick chapel should be +the evil genius of the play. Yet so it is. Built of the materials of +Scandinavian drama, it is always just round the corner, heavy with +doom. We never see it, but we hear more than enough about it, and in +the end it becomes a bore which we are well rid of. + +The theme of the perils of foster-motherhood is not new, but Mrs. +MERRICK has treated it freshly and with a very decent avoidance of its +strictly sexual aspects. But her methods are too sedentary. She kept +on with her atmosphere long after we knew the details of the cottage +interior by heart; while a whole volume of active tragedy--_Mary's_ +six months in London--was left to our fevered imagination. And the +sense of reality which she was at such pains to create was spoiled by +dialogue freely carried on in the immediate vicinity of persons who +were not supposed to overhear it. + +The chief attraction of _Mary-Girl_ (a silly title) was the engaging +personality of Miss MAY BLAYNEY. Always a fascinating figure to watch, +she showed an extraordinary sensitiveness of voice and expression. +As for that honest and admirable actor, Mr. MCKINNEL, who made the +perfect foil to her charms that every good husband should wish to +be, he seems never to tire of playing these stern, dour, semi-brutal +parts. That more genial characters are open to him his success in +_Great Catherine_ showed. Miss MARY BROUGH, as a charwoman, supplied a +rare need with her richly-flavoured humour and its clipped sentences. +All the rest did themselves justice. Miss HELEN FERRERS was a shade +more aristocratic than the aristocrat of stage tradition; and it +was not the fault of Miss DOROTHY FANE (as her daughter, _Lady +Folkington_) that she was required to behave incredibly in the +presence of her inferiors. I have not much to say for the manners +of Society in its own circles; but it is probably at its best in its +intercourse with humbler neighbours. Mrs. MERRICK's picture of the +_Countess_ on a visit to the _Sheppards'_ cottage might have been +designed for a poster of the Land Campaign. + +There was no dissenting note, I am glad to say, in the reception of +Mrs. MERRICK's charming self when she appeared after the fall of the +curtain. + +"A pretty authoress!" said an actress in the stalls. + +"Is that your comment on the play?" I asked. + +"Yes!" she said. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "Her Majesty was accompanied by Princess Henry and + John."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +Where was Lord SAYE AND SELE? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "COME, COME, SIR! THAT'S THE HORSE WE KEEP FOR QUITE +YOUNG CHILDREN! HE WANTS TO _PLAY_ WITH YOU, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST STRAW. + + I sing the sofa! It had stood for years, + An invitation to benign repose, + A foe to all the fretful brood of fears, + Bidding the weary eye-lid sink and close. + Massive and deep and broad it was and bland-- + In short the noblest sofa in the land. + + You, too, my friend, my solid friend, I sing, + Whom on an afternoon I did behold + Eying--'twas after lunch--the cushioned thing, + And murmuring gently, "Here are realms of gold, + And I shall visit them," you said, "and be + The sofa's burden till it's time for tea." + + "Let those who will go forth," you said, "and dare, + Beyond the cluster of the little shops, + To strain their limbs and take the eager air, + Seeking the heights of Hedsor and its copse. + I shall abide and watch the far-off gleams + Of fairy beacons from the world of dreams." + + Then forth we fared, and you, no doubt, lay down, + An easy victim to the sofa's charms, + Forgetting hopes of fame and past renown, + Lapped in those padded and alluring arms. + "How well," you said, and veiled your heavy eyes, + "It slopes to suit me! This is Paradise." + + So we adventured to the topmost hill, + And, when the sunset shot the sky with red, + Homeward returned and found you taking still + Deep draughts of peace with pillows 'neath your head. + "His sleep," said one, "has been unduly long." + Another said, "Let's bring and beat the gong." + + "Gongs," said a third and gazed with looks intent + At the full sofa, "are not adequate. + There fits some dread, some heavy, punishment + For one who sleeps with such a dreadful weight. + Behold with me," he moaned, "a scene accurst. + The springs are broken and the sofa's burst!" + + Too true! Too true! Beneath you on the floor + Lay blent in ruin all the obscure things + That were the sofa's strength, a scattered store + Of tacks and battens and protruded springs. + Through the rent ticking they had all been spilt, + Mute proofs and mournful of your weight and guilt. + + And you? You slept as sweetly as a child, + And when you woke you recked not of your shame, + But babbled greetings, stretched yourself and smiled + From that eviscerated sofa's frame, + Which, flawless erst, was now one mighty flaw + Through the addition of yourself as straw. + + R.C.L. + + * * * * * + + "A really acceptable present for a lady is a nice piece + of artificial hair, as, when not absolutely necessary, it + is always useful and ornamental."--_Advt. in "Aberdeen + Free Press."_ + +Still, it might be misunderstood. + + * * * * * + + "Theologians and mystics might say, 'Is that not mere + anthropomrhpism?'"--_Mr. BALFOUR according to "The Daily + Mail."_ + +But a Welshman would say it best. + + * * * * * + + "An aggressive minority succeeded in showing that the + Little Navy-ites do not represent the bulk of public + opinion."--_Daily Express_. + +It is, of course, always the aggressive minority which really +represents the bulk of public opinion. + + * * * * * + +A BYGONE. + +When I see the white-haired and venerable Thompson standing behind my +equally white-haired but much less venerable father at dinner, exuding +an atmosphere of worth and uprightness and checking by his mere silent +presence the more flippant tendencies of our conversation; when I hear +him whisper into my youthful son's ear, "Sherry, Sir?" in the voice of +a tolerant teetotaler who would not force his principles upon any man +but hopes sincerely that this one will say No; and when I am informed +that he promised our bootboy a rapid and inevitable descent to a state +of infamy and destitution upon discovering no more than the fag end of +a cigarette behind his ear, then I am tempted to recall an incident of +fifteen years back, lest it be forgotten that Thompson is a man like +ourselves who has known, and even owned, a human weakness. + +Dinner had begun on that eventful evening at 7.30 P.M., and it was +drawing within sight of a conclusion, that is, the sweet had been +eaten and the savoury was overdue, at 9.45 P.M. Four of us had trailed +thus far through this critical meal: my father, a usually patient +widower who was becoming more than restless; the Robinsons, never a +jocund brace of guests, who were by now positively sullen, and myself +who, being but a boy--of twenty odd years and having little enough to +say to a woman of fifty-five and her still more antique husband, had +long ago settled down to a determined silence. Meanwhile Thompson, +then in his first year of service with us, tarried mysteriously heaven +knows where. + +The intervals of preparation before each course had been growing +longer and longer and the pause before the savoury threatened to be +infinite. My father commanded me to ring the bell severely. Longing to +escape from the table I did so with emphasis, and my ring summoned (to +our surprise, for we were not aware of her existence in the house) a +slightly soiled kitchen-maid. + +"Where is Thompson?" asked my father sternly. + +"At the telephone, Sir," stammered the maid. + +"The telephone!" cried my father. "Whatever is the matter?" + +The maid started to mumble an explanation, burst into tears and fled +in alarm, never again to emerge from the back regions. My father +commanded me to the bell again, but as I rose Thompson entered. He was +even then a stately and dignified person, and it was with a measured +tread and slow that he advanced upon my father. + +"Will you please serve the savoury at once?" said my father. + +"I am afraid it cannot be done, Sir," said Thompson. "May I explain, +Sir?" + +"What is the meaning of this?" asked my father, fearing some terrible +disaster below stairs, and sacrificing politeness to his guests with +the hope of saving lives in the kitchen. + +Thompson cleared his throat.--"For some weeks, Sir," he said, "I have +been much worried with financial affairs. Like a fool I have invested +all my savings in speculative shares, and the variations of the market +have unduly depressed me. When I am depressed I take no food, and that +depresses me even more." + +You will be as surprised as we were that this was allowed to continue, +but when a man of so few words as Thompson chooses to come out of +his shell he is always master of the situation. "And so, Sir," he +continued, "I have taken the liberty of telephoning to the mews for +a cab." + +He paused and bowed, as if this made it all clear, and was about +to withdraw. "Kindly finish serving dinner at once, and don't be +impudent," my father got out at last. + +Thompson sighed. "It is absolutely out of the question, Sir," said he. +"Quite, quite impossible." + +"Why on earth?" cried my father. + +Thompson became, if possible, more solemn and deliberate than before. +"I am drunk, Sir," said he. + +At this point Mrs. Robinson, whose indignation had slowly been +swelling within her, rose and left the room. Robinson, as in duty +bound, followed. Neither of them, to my infinite joy, has ever +returned... + +"Depressed by want of food, Sir," continued Thompson, by sheer duress +preventing my father from following his guests and attempting to +pacify them, "I have taken to spirits. I do not like the taste of +spirits and they go at once to my head. They depress me further, Sir, +but they intoxicate me. Yes, I am undoubtedly tipsy." + +My father seized the opportunity of his pause for reflection to order +him to leave the room and present himself in the morning when he was +sober. + +"You dismiss us without notice, Sir," he stated, referring to himself +and his wife in the kitchen. "First thing in the morning we go. And so +I have ordered the cab to take us." + +This was a very proper fate for Thompson but came a little hard on my +father. "But what am _I_ to do?" asked he. + +Thompson regarded him with a desultory smile. "The Mews desires to +know, Sir," said he, "who will pay for the cab?" + +I ought to be able to state that there followed with the cold light +of day an apology, with passionate tears and remorse, from Thompson, +or at least a severe reprimand from my father before he consented to +keep him on. I regret to say that my father, next morning, postponed +the interview till the evening, and from the evening till the next +morning, and--that interview is still pending. If this seems weak, you +have only to see Thompson to realize that no man with any sense of the +incongruous could even mention the word "Drink" in his presence. + +As for the cab which Thompson had ordered, though we never saw it we +later heard all about it. It went to the wrong house because, as the +proprietor of the mews informed us with shame and regret, the driver +entrusted with the order had been very much under the influence of +alcohol. Altogether it is a sordid tale, made no better by the fact +that the house which the drunken driver chose to go to and insult was +the Robinsons'... + + * * * * * + +LOVE AT THE CINEMA. + + Inert I watched the Hero sacked + For lapses clearly not his own; + The midnight murder on the cliff, + The wonted ante-nuptial tiff, + The orange-blossoms, bored me stiff. + The picture-hall was simply packed, + But I was all alone. + + Alone! Two little hours could span + The gloom that bound me stark and grim + (No melancholy pierced me through + Before the 7.32 + Had ravished Barbara from view), + And yet I brooked it like a man + Until I noticed HIM. + + He sat extravagantly near + His Heart's Delight. To my distress, + When temporary twilight fell, + He squeezed her hand (and squeezed it well!), + Possessed her waist, and in that shell, + That damask shell she calls an ear, + Breathed words of tenderness. + + The blood ran riot to my head + And still I held my madness thrall, + My lips repressed the frenzied shriek, + My straining heart was stout as teak; + But, when he kissed her mantling cheek, + I broke--and two attendants led + Me wailing from the hall. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LOST CHRISTMAS PRESENT. + +_Maid_ (_to postman delivering long-delayed parcel_). "WHAT IS IT?" + +_Postman_. "LABEL SAYS, 'WILD DUCKS,' BUT THEY'RE 'UMMING-BIRDS NOW".] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +There is at least one thing that will surprise you about _It Happened +in Egypt_ (METHUEN), and that is that, although C.N. and A.M. +WILLIAMSON are the writers, motor-cars are hardly so much as mentioned +throughout. It is a tale of the Nile and the Desert, of camels and +caravans, told with a quite extraordinary power of making you feel +that you have visited the scenes described. But this, of course, +if you have any previous experience of the WILLIAMSON method, will +not surprise you at all. As for the story that strings the scenes +together, though it promised well, with almost every possible element +of fictional excitement--buried treasure, and spies, and abductions, +and secrets--somehow the result was not wholly up to the expectation +thus created. To borrow an appropriate simile, the great thrill +remained something of a mirage, always in sight and never actually +reached. Also I wish to record my passionate protest against stories +of treasure-trove in which the treasure is not taken away in sacks and +used to enrich the hunters; I am all against leaving it underground, +for whatever charming and romantic reasons. No, it is not so much as +a novel of adventure that might have happened pretty well anywhere +that I advise you to read this book, but as a super-guide to scenes +and sensations that happen in Egypt and nowhere else. From the moment +when, as one of the WILLIAMSON party, you sit down to breakfast on the +terrace of Shepherd's, till you take leave of your fellow-travellers +in the mountain-tomb of QUEEN CANDACE, you will enjoy the nearest +possible approach to a luxurious Egyptian tour, under delightful +guidance, and at an inclusive fare of six shillings. + + * * * * * + +Mr. SETON GORDON is a bold man. It is one thing to call a book +_The Charm of the Hills_ (CASSELL) and quite another to succeed in +conveying that charm through the medium of the printed word. Perhaps, +however, he was encouraged by the success that has already attended +these pen-pictures of Highland scenes in serial form; certainly he +knew also that he had another source of strength in a collection of +the most fascinating photographs of mountain scenery and wild life, +nearly a hundred of which are reproduced in the present volume. So +that what Mr. GORDON the writer fails to convey about his favourite +haunts (which is not much) Mr. GORDON the photographer is ready +to supply. The papers, which range in subject from ptarmigan to +cairngorms, are written with an engaging simplicity and directness, +and show a sympathetic knowledge of wild nature such as is the +reward only of long familiarity. The glorious mountain wind +blows through them all, so that as you read you feel the heather +brushing your knees, and see the clouds massing on the peaks of +Ben-something-or-other. Perhaps Mr. GORDON is at his most interesting +on the subject of the Golden Eagle. There are many striking snapshots +of the king of birds in his royal home; and some stories of court +life in an eyrie that are fresh and enthralling. One thing that I was +specially glad to learn on so good authority is that the Golden Eagle, +so far from being threatened with extinction, is actually increasing +in the deer forests of the North. This is intelligence as welcome as +it is nowadays unusual. The book, which is published at 10s. 6d. net, +is dedicated "to one who loves the glens and corries of the hills"; +and all who answer to this description should be grateful to the +writer for his delightful record. + + * * * * * + +Goodness knows that of all London's teeming millions I am the +possessor of the most easily curdled blood, but my flesh declined +to creep an inch from the first page to the last of _Animal Ghosts_ +(RIDER). I think it was Mr. ELLIOTT O'DONNELL's way of telling +his stories that was responsible for my indifference. He is so +incorrigibly reticent. His idea of a well-told ghost story runs on +these lines:--"In the year 189--, in the picturesque village of +C----, hard by the manufacturing town of L----, there lived a wealthy +gentleman named T---- with his cousin F---- and two friends M---- +and R----." I simply refuse to take any interest in the spectres of +initials, still less in the spectres of the domestic pets of initials. +I am no bigot; by all means deny your ghost his prerogative of +clanking chains and rattling bones; but there are certain points on +which I do take a firm stand, and this matter of initials is one of +them. Not one of these stories is convincing. Mr. O'DONNELL taps +you on the chest and whispers hoarsely, "As I stood there my blood +congealed, I could scarcely breathe. My scalp bristled;" and you, +if you are like me, hide a yawn and say, "No, really?" There is a +breezy carelessness, too, about his methods which kills a story. He +distinctly states, for instance, that the story of the "Headless Cat +of No. ----, Lower Seedley Street, Manchester," was told to him by a +Mr. ROBERT DANE. In the first half of the narrative this gentleman's +brother-in-law addresses him as _Jack_, and later on his wife says to +him, "Oh, _Edward_." What a man whose own Christian name is so much a +matter of opinion has to say about seeing headless cats does not seem +to me to be evidence. + + * * * * * + +There seems to be an increasing public for the volume of reflections. +At all events Mr. REGINALD LUCAS, who has already two or three +successes in this kind to his credit, has been encouraged to produce +another, to which he has given the pleasant title of _The Measure of +our Thoughts_ (HUMPHREYS). It is, of course, difficult to be critical +with a book like this; either it pleases the reader or it doesn't, and +that is about all that can be said. One reason for my belief that Mr. +LUCAS's _Thoughts_ will please is that he has put them into the brain +of a definitely conceived and very well drawn character. They are told +in the form of letters by this character to his old tutor. The writer +is supposed to be the rather unattractive and self-conscious eldest +son of a noble house, who suffers from the presence of a father and +sister who think him a fool, and a brother whose charm is a continual +and painful contrast to his own lack of it. The special skill of the +letters is their self-revelation, which brings out the pathos of the +writer's position, while at the same time showing quite clearly the +defects that explained it. Mr. LUCAS, in short, does not commit the +error of making his hero merely a mute, misunderstood paragon, whom +anyone with common penetration must have recognised as such. On the +contrary, we sympathise with him, especially in the big tragedy of +his life, while quite admitting that to any casual acquaintance he +must have appeared only a dull and uninteresting egoist. This I call +clever, because it shows that Mr. LUCAS has created a real thinker, +rather than striven to give him any unusual profundity of thought. An +agreeable book. + + * * * * * + +In the sixteenth chapter of the First Part of _The Rocks of Valpré_ +(FISHER UNWIN) _Trevor Mordaunt_ married _Christine Wyndham_, and on +the last page (which is the 511th) of the book, "she opened to him the +doors of her soul, and drew him within...." Granted that _Mordaunt_, +with the eyes of steel, was not exactly an oncoming man and that when +he married _Christine_ he received, as wedding presents, two or three +brothers-in-law who sponged hopelessly upon him, I still think that +Miss ETHEL DELL has given us too detailed an account of the domestic +differences between _Mordaunt_ and his wife. For my own part I became +frankly tired of the pecuniary crises of the _Wyndhams_ and of their +incurable inability to tell the truth. Had _Mordaunt_ got up and given +these feckless brethren a sound hiding I should have been relieved, +but he preferred to make them squirm by using his steely eyes. In +the future I suggest to Miss DELL that she should leave these strong +silent men alone. They have had their day and gone out of vogue. The +best part of this book, and indeed the best work Miss DELL has yet +done, is her treatment of the romantic friendship between _Christine_ +and _Bertrand de Montville_. It is handled so touchingly and so +surely that I resent with all the more peevishness the banality of the +steel-eyed one. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE OF THE FEW HISTORIC MANSIONS OF ENGLAND WHERE QUEEN +ELIZABETH DID _NOT_ SLEEP.] + + * * * * * + + "His lordship dismissed the application, with costs, and the + jury found in his favour, assessing the damages at £1,000." + +We should like to be a Judge. It seems to be easy and well-paid work. + + * * * * * + +From the synopsis of a Singapore play--just the last scene or two:-- + + "Samion, after going through Nyai Dasima's fortune, + maltreated her, and told her to leave his protection. He also + commissioned a wicked man called Puasa to murder Nyai Dasima. + Puasa murdered Dasima, and throw her body into a river. The + corpse of Dasima floated and entangled in the bathing-place + of William. William, seeing this, at once reported to the + Police of Dasima's death. Puasa and others were arrested and + imprisoned. The Judge investigated the case, and Puasa was + sentenced to be hanged. Samion got mad and died. Mah Buyong + also got mad." + +And so home to bed. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 21, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146 *** + +***** This file should be named 12465-8.txt or 12465-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12465/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 21, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12465] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 146.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 21, 1914.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" + id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/41.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="caption" + width="100%"> + <tr> + <td width="33%">"NOT VERY SPORTING LINKS, ARE + THEY?"</td> + + <td width="34%">EVEN EARTHQUAKES HAVE THEIR + USE.</td> + + <td width="33%">"AH, THAT'LL MAKE BETTER + GOLF."</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>MAJOR-GENERAL LEONARD WOOD, chief of the U.S.A. General + Staff, has reported that the American Army is, practically + speaking, unarmed, and advises the immediate expenditure of + £1,200,000 for artillery and ammunition. We fancy, + however, that the present state of affairs is the result of a + compromise with the American Peace party, who will not object + to their country having an army so long as it is unarmed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"VICTORY FOR THE ORANGE WOMEN.</p> + + <p>DRURY LANE INSTITUTION TO CONTINUE."</p> + + <p>This should put heart into the Orange Men of Ulster.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We hear that, to celebrate the recent glorious victory in + Alsace, the little town of Zabern is to be re-named + Säbeln.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Rev. N. FITZPATRICK, describing a visit to the Balkan + States in a lecture at the Camera Club, spoke of the + difficulties he had with his laundry. The same bundle of + clothes was soaked in Roumania, rough-dried in Bulgaria, and + ironed in Servia. We are astonished that the lecturer should + have made no mention of mangling, which we understand is done + well in the Balkan States.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The KAISER, we are told, has given instructions that his + <i>menus</i> are in future to be written in German. What, by + the way, <i>is</i> the French for <i>Sauerkraut</i>?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. ARCHIBALD, a member of the Australian House of + Representatives, has calculated that the value of the property + of the five million inhabitants of the Commonwealth is + £780,000,000. We cannot but think it is a mistake to + divulge the fact with so many dishonest people about.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>I do like your eyes</i> is the latest bright thought for + a Revue title. To be followed, no doubt, by <i>Her nose isn't + bad, is it?</i> and <i>What's wrong with her toes?</i></p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"FRENCH BATTLESHIP DROPPED."</p> + + <p><i>Pall Mall Gazette</i>.</p> + + <p>Very careless of someone.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Reading that one of the features of the new British + battleship class will be less draught, Aunt Caroline remarked + that she was glad to hear this: she had always understood that + during even half a gale it was very easy to catch cold at + sea.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Sir RUFUS ISAACS has decided to take the title of Lord + READING. This still leaves it open to a distinguished literary + man, should he be made a peer, to become Lord Writing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The age of pleasure! Where will it stop? Extract from <i>The + Witney Gazette</i>:—"On Monday evening a very successful + dance was given in the Corn Exchange ... The company numbered + over one hundred, and dancing to the strains of Taylor's Oxford + Scarlet Band was enjoyed till the early hours of Wednesday + morning."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>While Police Constable JAKEMAN was in Eldon Road, Reading, + last week, a cat suddenly pounced on him and bit him. We have + not yet received a full account of the incident, but apparently + the constable was on detective duty and cleverly disguised as a + mouse.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>One of the cats shown at the Grand Championship Cat Show had + her fur cut and trimmed like a poodle's. The matter has been + much discussed in canine circles, and we understand that there + may be trouble.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An express train travelling from Nice to Macon was, last + week, beaten by an eagle, which raced it over a distance of + eighteen miles. Birds are evidently being put upon their mettle + by the aeroplanes.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Alleged notice outside Drury Lane:—</p> + + <table summary="Headline" + align="center" + border="1"> + <tr> + <td align="center">SLEEPING BEAUTY.<br /> + <br /> + N.B.—CHAUFFEURS ARE KINDLY<br /> + REQUESTED NOT TO HOOT<br /> + WHEN PASSING.</td> + </tr> + </table> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From Paris comes the news that a successor to the Tango has + been found in the form of a Chinese dance known as the Tatao. + The name, presumably, is a contraction of the words "Ta-ta, + Tango."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A new character named "It" appears in the revival of <i>The + Darling of the Gods</i>. We presume it is The Limit.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The manager of the Little Theatre is making arrangements for + shilling seats for the first time in the history of the house. + How is it going to be done? By <i>Magic</i>, of course.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The Shepherdess without a Heart" continues to make good + progress, and the medical profession is much interested.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" + id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + + <h2>A FAREWELL TOUR.</h2> + + <p>This is positively Chum's last appearance in print—for + his own sake no less than for yours. He is conceited enough as + it is, but if once he got to know that people are always + writing about him in the papers his swagger would be + unbearable. However, I have said good-bye to him now; I have no + longer any rights in him. Yesterday I saw him off to his new + home, and when we meet again it will be on a different footing. + "Is that your dog?" I shall say to his master. "What is he? A + Cocker? Jolly little fellows, aren't they? I had one myself + once."</p> + + <p>As Chum refused to do the journey across London by himself, + I met him at Liverpool Street. He came up in a crate; the world + must have seemed very small to him on the way. "Hallo, old + ass," I said to him through the bars, and in the little space + they gave him he wriggled his body with delight. "Thank Heaven + there's <i>one</i> of 'em alive," he said.</p> + + <p>"I think this is my dog," I said to the guard, and I told + him my name.</p> + + <p>He asked for my card.</p> + + <p>"I'm afraid I haven't one with me," I explained. When + policemen touch me on the shoulder and ask me to go quietly; + when I drag old gentlemen from underneath motor-'buses, and + they decide to adopt me on the spot; on all the important + occasions when one really wants a card, I never have one with + me.</p> + + <p>"Can't give him up without proof of identity," said the + guard, and Chum grinned at the idea of being thought so + valuable.</p> + + <p>I felt in my pockets for letters. There was only one, but it + offered to lend me £10,000 on my note of hand alone. It + was addressed to "Dear Sir," and though I pointed out to the + guard that I was the "Sir," he still kept tight hold of Chum. + Strange that one man should be prepared to trust me with + £10,000, and another should be so chary of confiding to + me a small black spaniel.</p> + + <p>"Tell the gentleman who I am," I said imploringly through + the bars. "Show him you know me."</p> + + <p>"He's <i>really</i> all right," said Chum, looking at the + guard with his great honest brown eyes. "He's been with us for + years."</p> + + <p>And then I had an inspiration. I turned down the inside + pocket of my coat; and there, stitched into it, was the label + of my tailor's with my name written on it. I had often wondered + why tailors did this; obviously they know how stupid guards can + be.</p> + + <p>"I suppose that's all right," said the guard reluctantly. Of + course I might have stolen the coat. I see his point.</p> + + <p>"You—you wouldn't like a nice packing case for + yourself?" I said timidly. "You see, I thought I'd put Chum on + the lead. I've got to take him to Paddington, and he must be + tired of his shell by now. It isn't as if he were <i>really</i> + an armadillo."</p> + + <p>The guard thought he would like a shilling and a nice + packing case. Wood, he agreed, was always wood, particularly in + winter, but there were times when you were not ready for + it.</p> + + <p>"How are you taking him?" he asked, getting to work with a + chisel. "Underground?"</p> + + <p>"Underground?" I cried in horror. "Take Chum on the + Underground? Take—Have you ever taken a large live + conger-eel on the end of a string into a crowded carriage?"</p> + + <p>The guard never had.</p> + + <p>"Well, don't. Take him in a taxi instead. Don't waste him on + other people."</p> + + <p>The crate yawned slowly, and Chum emerged all over straw. We + had an anxious moment, but the two of us got him down and put + the lead on him. Then Chum and I went off for a taxi.</p> + + <p>"Hooray," said Chum, wriggling all over, "isn't this + splendid? I say, which way are you going? I'm going this + way?... No, I mean the other way."</p> + + <p>Somebody had left some of his milk-cans on the platform. + Three times we went round one in opposite directions and + unwound ourselves the wrong way. Then I hauled him in, took him + struggling in my arms and got into a cab.</p> + + <p>The journey to Paddington was full of interest. For a whole + minute Chum stood quietly on the seat, rested his fore-paws on + the open window and drank in London. Then he jumped down and + went mad. He tried to hang me with the lead, and then in + remorse tried to hang himself. He made a dash for the little + window at the back; missed it and dived out of the window at + the side; was hauled back and kissed me ecstatically, in the + eye with his sharpest tooth ... "And I thought the world was at + an end," he said, "and there were no more people. Oh, I am an + ass. I say, did you notice I'd had my hair cut? How do you like + my new trousers? I must show you them." He jumped on to my lap. + "No, I think you'll see them better on the ground," he said, + and jumped down again. "Or no, perhaps you <i>would</i> get a + better view if—" he jumped up hastily, "and yet I don't + know—" he dived down, "though of course, if you—Oh + lor! this <i>is</i> a day," and he put both paws lovingly on my + collar.</p> + + <p>Suddenly he was quiet again. The stillness, the absence of + storm in the taxi was so unnatural that I began to miss it. + "Buck up, old fool," I said, but he sat motionless by my side, + plunged in thought. I tried to cheer him up. I pointed out + King's Cross to him; he wouldn't even bark at it. I called his + attention to the poster outside the Euston Theatre of The Two + Biffs; for all the regard he showed he might never even have + heard of them. The monumental masonry by Portland Road failed + to uplift him.</p> + + <p>At Baker Street he woke up and grinned cheerily. "It's all + right," he said, "I was trying to remember what happened to me + this morning—something rather-miserable, I thought, but I + can't get hold of it. However it's all right now. How are + <i>you</i>?" And he went mad again.</p> + + <p>At Paddington I bought a label at the bookstall and wrote it + for him. He went round and round my leg looking for me. "Funny + thing," he said as he began to unwind, "he was here a moment + ago. I'll just go round once more. I rather think ... + <i>Ow!</i> Oh, there you are!" I stepped off him, unravelled + the lead and dragged him to the Parcels Office.</p> + + <p>"I want to send this by the two o'clock train," I said to + the man the other side of the counter.</p> + + <p>"Send what?" he said.</p> + + <p>I looked down. Chum was making himself very small and black + in the shadow of the counter. He was completely hidden from the + sight of anybody the other side of it.</p> + + <p>"Come out," I said, "and show yourself."</p> + + <p>"Not much," he said. "A parcel! I'm not going to be a jolly + old parcel for anybody."</p> + + <p>"It's only a way of speaking," I pleaded. "Actually you are + travelling as a small black gentleman. You will go with the + guard—a delightful man."</p> + + <p>Chum came out reluctantly. The clerk leant over the counter + and managed to see him.</p> + + <p>"According to our regulations," he said, and I always + dislike people who begin like that, "he has to be on a chain. A + leather lead won't do."</p> + + <p>Chum smiled all over himself. I don't know which pleased him + more—the suggestion that he was a very large and fierce + dog, or the impossibility now of his travelling with the guard, + delightful man though he might be. He gave himself a shake and + started for the door.</p> + + <p>"Tut, tut, it's a great disappointment to me," he said, + trying to look disappointed, but his back <i>would</i> wriggle. + "This chain business—silly of us not</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" + id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/43.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE BLACK MAN'S BURDEN.</h3>REFRAIN BY NATIVES OF SOUTH + AFRICA AND KIKUYU. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" + id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/45.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Kindly Hostess</i> (<i>to nervous + reciter who has broken down in "The Charge of the + Light Brigade"</i>). "NEVER MIND MR. TOMPKINS, JUST + TELL US IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>to have known—well, well, we shall be wiser another + time. Now let's go home."</p> + + <p>Poor old Chum; I <i>had</i> known. From a large coat pocket + I produced a chain.</p> + + <p>"<i>Dash</i> it," said Chum, looking up at me pathetically, + "you might almost <i>want</i> to get rid of me."</p> + + <p>He was chained, and the label tied on to him. Forgive me + that label, Chum; I think that was the worst offence of all. + And why should I label one who was speaking so eloquently for + himself; who said from the tip of his little black nose to the + end of his stumpy black tail, "I'm a silly old ass, but there's + nothing wrong in me, and they're sending me away!" But + according to the regulations—one must obey the + regulations, Chum.</p> + + <p>I gave him to the guard—a delightful man. The guard + and I chained him to a brake or something. Then the guard went + away, and Chum and I had a little talk ...</p> + + <p>After that the train went off.</p> + + <p>Good-bye, little dog. A.A.M.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady Strachie wishes to thoroughly recommend her + permanent Caretaker and Husband."—<i>Advt. in + "Morning Post."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Lord STRACHIE should be a proud man to-day.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW GREAT MEN SHOW EMOTION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Mr. HANDEL BOOTH, speaking in Hyde Park recently, + declared that, when he informed Lord ABERDEEN of the + conduct of the police during the Dublin riots, the Lord + Lieutenant "buried his head in his hands."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. Leo Maxixe, writing in <i>The Irrational Review</i>, + states that he has it on the best authority that when the + GERMAN EMPEROR read the Criccieth New Year's interview with Mr. + LLOYD GEORGE he exclaimed, "This beats the Tango," and fell + heavily on the hearthrug.</p> + + <p>Mr. James Larvin, addressing a meeting of the Confederates + at the Saveloy Hotel, informed his hearers that when Mr. + WINSTON CHURCHILL read the article in <i>The Daily Mail</i> on + his future he stood on his head in the corner for three + minutes, to the great embarrassment of Sir FRANCIS HOPWOOD, who + was present.</p> + + <p>Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, writing in <i>The British + Weekly</i>, asserts that when Mr. MASSINGHAM read "C.K.S.'s" + recent reference to <i>The Nation</i> in <i>The Sphere</i> he + kicked the waste-paper basket round the room and tore the hair + out of his head in handfuls.</p> + + <p>Mr. CECIL CHESTERTON, addressing a meeting of non-party + fishmongers at Billingsgate last week, stated that he had heard + that when Mr. GODFREY ISAACS informed the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE + that Mr. HANDEL BOOTH had retired from the Dublin Police + Inquiry Lord READING OF EARLEY burst into tears and hid his + face in his wig.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Why Mr. Chesterton shuns the Isle of Wight.</h3> + + <p>Extract from local time-table:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"10.45 a.m. Motor Service between Freshwater and Newport + for light passengers only."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Referring to the plea of Dr. Budge, the poet laureate, + for purer English, a writer in the 'Daily Chronicle' + says...."—<i>Glasgow Evening Citizen</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Purer spelling of names is what the POET LAUREATE would + really like to see.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It was very touching of <i>The Evening News</i> to give so + much space to the distressing story of the real Duchess who + could not get a seat at Olympia—(surely they might have + thrown out a common person to make room for her?)—but it + was tactless to go on:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'If you will bring me a couple of chairs,' said the + duchess, 'I will sit down in the gangway with the greatest + pleasure.'"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It makes one wonder which of our larger duchesses it + was.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" + id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> + + <h2>THE HOUSE OF PUNCH.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[He "married a princess of the House of + Punch."—<i>Excerpt front an account of the life of a + former King of Kashmir</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hail, Master, and accept the news I bring.</p> + + <p class="i4">I come to make a solemn mystery + clear,</p> + + <p>One that affects you deeply; for I sing</p> + + <p class="i8">Of a most ancient king</p> + + <p class="i2">Nine hundred years ago in fair + Kashmir,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who yearned towards a bride, + and—hear, oh hear,</p> + + <p>Lord of the reboant nose and classic + hunch—</p> + + <p>"Married a princess of the House of Punch."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, you are royal, as one might have seen.</p> + + <p class="i4">The loftiness of your despotic sway,</p> + + <p>Your strange aloofness and unearthly mien</p> + + <p class="i8">(Yet regal) might have been</p> + + <p class="i2">A full assurance of monarchic clay.</p> + + <p class="i2">Had but the fates run kindly, at this + day</p> + + <p>Yourself should be a king of orient fame,</p> + + <p>Chief of the princely house that bears your + name.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Methinks I see you at it. I can see</p> + + <p class="i4">A shamiana<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + loftily upreared</p> + + <p>Beneath a banyan (or banana) tree,</p> + + <p class="i8">Whichever it may be,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where, with bright turban and vermilion + beard</p> + + <p class="i2">(A not unfrequent sight, and very + weird),</p> + + <p>You sit at peace; a small boy, doubly bowed,</p> + + <p>Acts as your footstool and, though stiff, is + proud.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fragrant with Champak scents the warm wind sighs</p> + + <p class="i4">Heavily, faintly, languorously fanned</p> + + <p>By drowsy peacock-plumes—to keep the flies</p> + + <p class="i8">From your full nose and eyes—</p> + + <p class="i2">Waved from behind you, where on either + hand</p> + + <p class="i2">Two silent slaves of Nubian polish + stand,</p> + + <p>Whose patent-leather visages reflect</p> + + <p>The convex day, with mirror-like effect.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Robed in a garment of the choicest spoil</p> + + <p class="i4">Of Persian looms, you sit apart to + deal</p> + + <p>Grace to the suppliant and reward for toil,</p> + + <p class="i8">T'abase the proud, and boil</p> + + <p class="i2">The malefactor, till upon you steal</p> + + <p class="i2">Mild qualms suggestive of the mid-day + meal;</p> + + <p>And, then, what plump, what luscious fruits are + those?</p> + + <p>What goblets of what vintage? Goodness knows.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Gladly would I pursue this glowing dream,</p> + + <p class="i4">To sing of deeds of chivalry and + sport,</p> + + <p>Of cushioned dalliance in the soft hareem</p> + + <p class="i8">(A really splendid theme),</p> + + <p class="i2">The pundits and tame poets at your + court,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all such pride, but I must keep it + short.</p> + + <p>Once let me off upon a thing so bright,</p> + + <p>And I should hardly stop without a fight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now you stand plain Mister; and, no doubt,</p> + + <p class="i4">Would have for choice this visioned pomp + untold.</p> + + <p>Yet, Sire, I beg you, cast such musings out;</p> + + <p class="i8">Put not yourself about</p> + + <p class="i2">For a vain dream. If I may make so + bold,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your present lot should keep you well + consoled.</p> + + <p>You still are great, and have, when all is done,</p> + + <p>A fine old Eastern smack, majestic One.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The vassals of your fathers were but few</p> + + <p class="i4">Compared with yours, who move the whole + world wide;</p> + + <p>You still can splash an oriental hue,</p> + + <p class="i8">Red, yellow, green or blue,</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon a fresh and various outside;</p> + + <p class="i2">While you support—perhaps your + greatest pride</p> + + <p>High pundits for your intellectual feast,</p> + + <p>And some tame bards, of whom I am the least.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>DUM-DUM.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>Tent</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>GIVEN AWAY.</h2> + + <p>A correspondent of <i>The Times</i> writes:—"The + <i>Niva</i>, the <i>Russian Family Herald</i>, promises to + annual subscribers, in addition to a copy of the paper every + week—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The complete works of Korolenko in twenty-five + volumes.</p> + + <p>The complete works of Edmond Rostand.</p> + + <p>The complete works of Maikof.</p> + + <p>A literary supplement every month.</p> + + <p>A fashion book.</p> + + <p>A book of patterns of fancy-work designs.</p> + + <p>A tear-off calendar for 1914,"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>and adds, "Where does English or American journalistic + enterprise stand beside this?"</p> + + <p>We understand that our more enterprising contemporaries have + no intention of allowing this question to remain unanswered, + and the wildest rumours are afloat as to the nature of the + gifts which will be offered next year to annual subscribers by + various British journals.</p> + + <p>With a view to test the accuracy of these rumours our + Special Representative called yesterday upon the Editors of + several leading publications, and, although much secrecy is + still maintained, he has succeeded in collecting some valuable + information. For instance, the report that <i>The Nineteenth + Century and After</i> would include among its gifts the + dramatic works of the MELVILLE BROS., <i>HOW to Dance the + Tango</i>, and <i>Sweeter than Honey</i>, a novel with a strong + love interest, lacks confirmation; nor are we in a position to + assert definitely that <i>The Spectator</i> will present a + beautiful coloured supplement, entitled "Susie's Pet Pup," and + a handsome mug bearing the inscription: "A Present from Loo," + though we believe that such may be the case.</p> + + <p>On the other hand, <i>The Times'</i> reply to an inquiry as + to whether they would present to each reader half a ton of + supplements was that they had done so for some years past; and + <i>The Daily Mirror</i> did not deny that they were considering + the proposal to present a framed copy of the portrait of John + Tiffinch which appeared in their issue of February 29, 1913. + (Tiffinch, our readers will remember, was brother-in-law to the + man who discovered the great emerald robbery.)</p> + + <p><i>The British Medical Journal's</i> list will include the + works of GEORGE BERNARD SHAW and the Life of Mrs. EDDY; but the + report that <i>The Tailor and Cutter</i> would present <i>Wild + Tribes of Central Africa</i> is emphatically denied.</p> + + <p>Finally, <i>The Boxing World</i> had not thought of offering + any free-gifts, but on learning that BOSWELL had written a Life + of JOHNSON seemed inclined to reconsider their decision.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In order to counteract a tendency to stoutness which + ex-President Taft is now overcoming, the Kaiser has lately + undergone a systematic course of outdoor + 'training.'"—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This is very friendly of the KAISER, but Mr. TAFT will + probably do it better by himself.</p> + + <p>Says an Edinburgh tram-car advertisement:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">THE SCOTTISH ORCHESTRA.</p> + + <p>Conductor..........E. Mlynarski.</p> + + <p>Solo Violinist.....Duci Kerekjarto."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>You should see these natives when they get among the haggis. + Hoots!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" + id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> + + <h2>THE KAKEKIKOKUANS;</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE HEATHEN IN HIS BLINDNESS.</h3> + + <p>THE country of Kakekikoku, as its name suggests, lies in the + vicinity of Timbuctoo, the well-known African resort; and at + the present time, when so much interest is centred upon that + little-known land, it may be profitable to our readers, as well + as to the writer, to give some information about it.</p> + + <p>A famous Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society, who has + travelled widely, not only in this country but in Belgium and + the Channel Islands, has stated that Kakekikoku is richly + endowed with the bewilderments, perils and mysteries of + primitive and unexplored African territory. A warlike and + exclusive folk, the Kakekikokuans extend a red-hot welcome to + the foreigner who ventures within their borders. They are + possessed of a fine physique and an intelligence of a subtler + kind than many savage races can pretend to; yet while having + all the qualities that should go to the building up of a strong + nation, certain conditions of their life bar the way to such an + achievement. In a word, the Kakekikokuans are in the clutches + of the medicine-man. Each of these despots has his own little + following, and wields a distinctive influence, it being a point + of honour with him that his teaching should differ in some way + (usually in but a trivial detail) from the teaching of any + other of his kind. The solemnity of their discussions and the + heat of their dissensions about the minutiæ of their + creeds would be laughable were it not so pathetic..</p> + + <p>And not only do the medicine-men dispute among themselves, + but their followers engage even more vehemently in bitter + strife. For instance, there is a national belief that the + juby-juby nut, which grows in the forests in profusion, + possesses some supernatural virtue that will make a man who + chews it impervious to the weapons of his enemies. That this + virtue exists is generally accepted; but when it comes to a + discussion of how, when and where to chew the nut, much + wrangling goes on; and such men as survive in battle claim that + their particular method is proved to be the correct one, while + such as succumb are cited in proof of the error of their + process of absorbing the juices of the juby-juby nut. The + survivors include, of course, representatives of various + schools of thought, and a battle against a common enemy rarely + goes by without being immediately followed by a conflict among + the surviving Kakekikokuans in order to put to final proof + their respective theories about their remarkable fruit. Thus a + promising people is committing race-suicide; for this sort of + thing goes on not only in connection with this particular + problem, but over such questions as the number of beads to wear + round one's neck when visiting the medicine-man, whether the + national custom of saluting the rising sun need be observed on + cloudy mornings, and whether the medicine-man is entitled to + the pick of the yams on any day but Sunday. People of different + opinions on these points decline to eat together or to enter + into social intercourse with one another; and their children + are forbidden to mingle in play.</p> + + <p>The good news has just come to hand, however, that a band of + Church of England missionaries, despatched by the Bishop of + ZANZIBAR, has now entered the country; and it is delightful to + contemplate the beneficent result that may be expected from + their broadminded attitude and their sane teaching on the + subject of the brotherhood of man.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/47.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Observant Lady</i> (<i>to gentleman + alighting from 'bus</i>). "<i>I</i> THINK YOU'VE + DROPPED A PENNY!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Berlin critics have been accusing Mr. Bernard Shaw + of having committed in his 'Pygmalion,' produced in Germany + the other day, a plagiarism from Smollett's novel, + 'Peregrine Pickle.' Mr. Shaw denies that he has ever read + the novel in question, and, in an interview in the London + 'Observer,' remarks: 'The suggestion of the German papers + that I had Pygmalion produced in Germany lest I should be + detected in my own country of plagiarism, shows an amusing + ignorance of English culture.'"—<i>Yorkshire Evening + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It does. Why even our most cultured countryman, Mr. BERNARD + SHAW, has never read <i>Peregrine Pickle</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. Spademan, of Woodnewton, Northants, placed a dozen + eggs under a hen some time ago, and there were hatched out + thirteen chickens, one of the eggs being double-yolked. All + the young birds are doing well.</p> + + <p>Burroughes and Watts' billiard tables for + accuracy."—<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>They are, in fact, a lesson to Mr. STADEMAN's hens.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page48" + id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> + + <h2>LACONICS.</h2> + + <p>"As a matter of fact," said the doctor, "you ought not to + speak at all. But that's asking too much. So let it go at + this—not a word more than is necessary. Good-bye.",</p> + + <p>He left the room and I lay back pondering on his + instructions. How many words were really necessary?</p> + + <p>The nurse soon after entered.</p> + + <p>"So the doctor's gone," she said.</p> + + <p>Obviously it wasn't necessary to say Yes, since the room was + empty save for me and her; so I made no reply.</p> + + <p>She went to the window and looked out. The sky was blue and + the sunshine was brilliant.</p> + + <p>"It's a fine day," she said.</p> + + <p>No, I thought, you don't catch me there; and said nothing. + But I reflected that yesterday I might myself have made the + same inane remark as she.</p> + + <p>"Would you like the paper?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, and then almost regretted it, for having + waited nearly fifty years for yesterday's news surely I could + wait longer. Still, the paper would help to pass the time.</p> + + <p>While she was fetching it I remembered a dream of last night + which I had intended to tell her this morning.</p> + + <p>But why do so? A dream is of no account even to the dreamer. + Still, the recital might have made her laugh. But why should + laughter be bothered about?</p> + + <p>The nurse brought the paper and I signified Thank you.</p> + + <p>"I'll leave you for a while now," she said; "The fire's all + right. Your drink's by the bed. You'll ring if you want + anything."</p> + + <p>All these things I knew. My drink is always beside the bed; + the bell is the natural communication between me and the house. + What a foolish chatterbox the woman was! I nodded and she went + out.</p> + + <p>On her return an hour or so later she asked, "Is there + anything in the paper?"</p> + + <p>Before answering I examined this question. What did it mean? + It did not mean, Are the pages this morning absolutely blank, + for a change? It meant, Is there a good murder? Is any very + important person dead? In reply I handed the paper to her.</p> + + <p>Instead of reading it she began a long account of her + morning's walk. She told me where she had been; whom she had + seen; whom she had thought she had seen and then found that it + was some one else; what somebody had said. Not a syllable + mattered, I now realised; but yesterday I should have joined in + the talk, asked questions, encouraged her in her + foolishness.</p> + + <p>Just before lunch my brother and a guest came into the room + and began to talk about golf. My brother said that he had been + round in 98. This was his best since September, when he went + round in 97. He described his difficulties at the tenth + hole.</p> + + <p>It all seemed very idiotic to me, for the game was over and + done with. Why rake it up?</p> + + <p>The guest said that he had lost two balls, one of which was + expensive. His driving had been good, but in the short game he + had been weak. He could never quite make up his mind whether he + putted best with a gun-metal putter or a wooden one.</p> + + <p>My brother asked me if I remembered that long drive of his + two years ago?</p> + + <p>I nodded.</p> + + <p>The nurse came in and told them to go. She then asked me if + I was hungry.</p> + + <p>"Very," I said.</p> + + <p>She brought me some beef-tea and calf's-foot-jelly, + remarking that they were easily taken and "would not hurt my + throat."</p> + + <p>That was why they were chosen, of course.</p> + + <p>In the afternoon I had a visit from my Aunt Lavinia, who sat + down with the remark that she would tell me all the news.</p> + + <p>"You remember Esther?" she began.</p> + + <p>Esther is my cousin and we were brought up together. How + could I have forgotten her?</p> + + <p>What she told me about Esther was of no consequence. Then + she told me how she had nearly lost her luggage at + Brighton—she quite thought she had lost it, in + fact—but, as it happened, it turned up. "And if I had + lost it," she said, "it would have been dreadful, for I had a + number of dear Stella's beautiful sketches in one of my trunks. + Quite irreplaceable. However, it is all right."</p> + + <p>Then why tell me?</p> + + <p>And so she rattled on.</p> + + <p>"You don't say anything," she said at last.</p> + + <p>It was true. I had said nothing. I told her what the doctor + instructed.</p> + + <p>"Quite right," she remarked. "I wish other people even in + good health could have the same prescription."</p> + + <p>Just before dinner my brother came in again. "You've had + Aunt Lavinia here," he said.</p> + + <p>I had.</p> + + <p>"Getting quite grey, I thought," he said.</p> + + <p>I had noticed it too.</p> + + <p>He was smoking, and while he was with me he emptied his pipe + and filled it again. He thought he had knocked the burning ash + in the grate, but it had fallen in the turn-up of his right + trouser-leg.</p> + + <p>Should I tell him? I wondered. He would, of course, find it + out from the smell, but meanwhile the cloth would be burned + through.</p> + + <p>"Your trouser's burning," I said.</p> + + <p>That was the only remark I volunteered all that day; and + really, except now and then on business, I don't see why one + should ever talk more.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CURLING.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>The Game and how to Play it, by a Winter + Sport.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Take a piece of ice (you'll want Switzerland for this). Draw + two circles, one at each end. Draw a line a short distance from + each circle. The drawing can be done with a pin, pocket-knife, + diamond, axe, friend's razor or other edged or pointed + instrument. I give no dimensions because they are dull things + and I hate guessing. Talk of the circles at each end as + "houses" and the lines as "hogs," and you are well on the road + to become a curler.</p> + + <p>Take two narrow pieces of tin with prickly eruptions on one + side. Place one each end of the ice-patch, prickly side down, + and stamp on the smooth side. Why these pieces of tin are + called "crampits" I can't tell you, unless it's just part of + the fun.</p> + + <p>You now have a prepared patch that can be used for + hop-scotch, shove-halfpenny, Rugby football or curling. If you + have named the things as directed you really ought to use it + for curling.</p> + + <p>We now come to the question of players. This is one of the + most important parts of the game. Four a side is the almost + ideal number, but a few more or less do not make any very great + difference. But be sure to get some Scotchmen. They take the + game seriously and do much to make the whole affair bright and + mirthful. A slight sprinkling of Irishmen often serves to bring + out more prominently the flavour of the Scottish humour.</p> + + <p>Don't play for money unless you have the majority of + Scotchmen on your side.</p> + + <p>The game is played with "stones," or, to use their Scotch + pseudonym, "stanes." To every man two stanes. You can either + get your "stanes" in England and travel out with them, or hire + them in the locality. They make the most pleasant travelling + companions and at times are the cause of many amusing incidents + which beguile the tedium of the journey. Also they often + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" + id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> lead to your picking up + chance acquaintances. I have known one stone placed in a + dimly lighted corridor of a train productive of much + merriment and harmless banter. Being of considerable weight + they do not readily respond to a playful kick, but having no + sharp corners they are seldom responsible for serious injury + to the kicker.</p> + + <p>Every stone, when new, has a handle. Be careful to preserve + the handle intact on the upper part of the stone. If this + adjunct be lost or mislaid the stone is less amenable to + transit and almost useless for its original purpose.</p> + + <p>You will also require a long-handled carpet-broom, which you + will on arrival re-name a "cow." Most dressing-bags constructed + for foreign travel are now fitted with these useful and + picturesque articles. The "cow" is used for two purposes. If + you are lucky enough to be appointed scorer for your side you + mark the score on the handle in such a way as to be + indecipherable by everyone but yourself. This prevents disputes + with regard to the accuracy of your arithmetic. You also use it + to sweep the ice in front of a friendly stone which appears + likely to give up prematurely from exhaustion. Sweeping is + carried out under the direction of your captain, and the + process is known in the vernacular as "sooping 'er oop." You + are not allowed to retard the progress of a stone, friendly or + otherwise, by intentionally sweeping obstructions into its + path. To discard a portion of your "cow" in front of a rapidly + advancing stone is actionable.</p> + + <p>Over-enthusiasm in "sooping 'er 'oop" should be avoided. Ice + is proverbially slippery, and if you fall on to a friendly + stone from excess of energy or from debility, your side is + "huffed" that stone. This is a serious matter, and even if you + are able to continue the game you are looked on with disfavour + by your friends.</p> + + <p>The object of the game is to get your stone as near as + possible to the centre of the circle at the other end of the + rink. With this object you stand on the piece of tin or + "crampit" before referred to, grasp the stone firmly by the + handle and hurl it along the ice. It is almost essential to let + go the stone at the right moment, otherwise it will hurl you. + The game is almost identical with the commoner game of "bowls," + except for the language, which is worse. The term "wood" is + inappropriate and must be avoided, as the use of it may lay you + under a charge of ignorance or flippancy, which you will find + almost impossible to live down.</p> + + <p>I will conclude with a few hints to novices. Preserve a cool + head and steady eye. Whilst you are playing your shot your + captain will be dancing about in the circle at the other end of + the ice. You will find it best to disregard his maniacal + shoutings and gesticulations. You will probably not understand + half of them and will not agree with the other half. If he + should break a blood-vessel do not take any notice unless some + part of his fallen body is likely to obstruct your stone. In + this case you are entitled to have him moved.</p> + + <p>If, after you have played, cries of "hog" or "wobbler" + arise, remember that you are engaged in a sport and not in + politics and that there is nothing really offensive in the + terms. Finally, never scoff at the language used, and above all + remember that what is one man's game may be another's + religion.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/49.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>LIFE'S LITTLE TRAGEDIES.</h3>SHY AND NERVOUS HUSBAND, + ABANDONED IN COSTUME DEPARTMENT BY HIS WIFE WHO HAS GONE TO + THE FITTING-ROOM TO HAVE HER DRESS FITTED, AND SURROUNDED + BY TALL AND BEAUTEOUS YOUNG LADIES WHOSE ONLY BUSINESS + SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A WORM. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" + id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/50.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/50.png" + alt="" /></a>"EH, BUT I HAD A RARE TIME LAST YEAR-R. A + WAS AT MA COUSIN MACWHUSKIE'S A WHOLE FORTNIGHT, AN' A + DIDNA ONCE KEN A WAS THEER!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>REVENGE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Or, a Hint to a House-agent after coming away from his + Office.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your voice was pleasing and your face was fat;</p> + + <p class="i2">With soap <i>ad libitum</i> you sought to + dabble us;</p> + + <p>But when I told you we must leave the flat</p> + + <p>Did I not notice; underneath the spat,</p> + + <p class="i2">The bifurcated boot that marks + <i>Diabolus</i>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know that in a brief while you'll have found</p> + + <p class="i2">The house I wanted (<i>sic</i>), superbly + roomy,</p> + + <p>With a fine view and every comfort crowned,</p> + + <p>A short three minutes from the Underground;</p> + + <p class="i2">Also I know that you are safe to "do" + me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There will be something wrong; but you shall + fill</p> + + <p class="i2">My ears with praises specious and + irrelevant</p> + + <p>Of this and that; and you shall have your will,</p> + + <p>And heave a deep sigh when I've paid my bill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Having got off at last some rare white + elephant.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And when things happen to "The Yews" or "Planes"</p> + + <p class="i2">Left by the Joneses like a haunt of + lazars;</p> + + <p>When the roof falls, or in the winter rains</p> + + <p>The dining-room breaks out in sudden blains,</p> + + <p class="i2">And every feast we have recalls + BELSHAZZAR's;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You shall be smiling. But you have not guessed</p> + + <p class="i2">One thing, for all your wisdom, child of + Lucifer:</p> + + <p>You did not know I was a bard, whose breast</p> + + <p>Could boil with bitter language when oppressed</p> + + <p class="i2">Like a bargee's; if anything, + abusiver.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This is the high reward of sacred song;</p> + + <p class="i2">The minstrels' voices are like falling + honey</p> + + <p>When the gods please them, but when things go + wrong</p> + + <p>They speak their mind out straight, and speak it + strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">Especially on points concerned with + money.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, if you "do me down," I have my lyre,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I shall trumpet (at the normal Press + wage)</p> + + <p>Such things about that house, and with such + fire,</p> + + <p>That all men ever after shall conspire</p> + + <p class="i2">To shun the said demesne and curse that + messuage.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And spiders on the broken panes shall sit,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the grey rats shall scuttle in the + basement,</p> + + <p>Until the Borough Council purchase it</p> + + <p>And cleanse and decorate, and lastly fit</p> + + <p class="i2">A fair blue <i>plaque</i> above the study + casement,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Saying, "Here lived a while and wove his spell,</p> + + <p class="i2">Eusebius Binks the bard, the + unforgotten;</p> + + <p>The house is mentioned in his 'Lines to Hell,'</p> + + <p>Also the agents, Messrs. Azazel,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the then drains which, so he sang, + were rotten."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>EVOE.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>The Daily Telegraph</i> says of the Portsmouth + Corporation telephone system:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At present there are 1,899 subscribers and 2,528 + distinct telephones."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Why doesn't the Post Office experiment with this new sort of + telephone.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Yet it is necessary to state emphatically, although + no representative</p> + + <p>of a daily newspaper seems to have been under this + impression, that not</p> + + <p>for twenty years have I been so bored."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>C.K.S. in "The Sphere," on the 'Edwin Drood' + trial</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But how are the poor reporters to know so much about C.K.S. + as that?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" + id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/51.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>COULEUR D'ORANGE.</h3>MR. ASQUITH (<i>on the + Riviera</i>). "LUCKY FOR ME THERE AREN'T ANY + 'CONVERSATIONS' HERE—I MIGHT AGREE TO ALMOST + ANYTHING." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" + id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> + + <h2>THE POST OFFICE AGAIN.</h2> + + <p>DEAR UNCLE,—Its your birthday to-day. I sent you some + nice pairs of hankerchifs because its your birthday. They for + your nose. Its funny our birthdays being so close. And now no + more from your loving neice</p> + + <p>NANCY.</p> + + <p>MY DEAR NANCY,—Thank you very much indeed for the nice + pocket-handkerchiefs. I am very pleased with them. Nobody has + ever troubled to give me handkerchiefs before with pretty + flowers worked in the corners. I have been wearing them to-day, + or rather one of them. They are so nice that I really meant to + have kept them specially for parties and things like that, but, + as I was obliged to leave home in a great hurry this morning, + and someone had hidden my everyday handkerchiefs, I took one of + yours.</p> + + <p>Such a funny thing has happened. I sent you for your + birthday a pretty card with birds on it, and somehow or other + it got taken in quite a different direction, and was returned + to me this morning by—whom do you think? Auntie Maud, all + the way away in Ireland. But we mustn't blame the + Postmaster-General without being absolutely sure of ourselves. + It is very difficult in mysterious cases like this to be + absolutely sure. Didn't you get my parcel? I sent it off at the + same time as I sent the card, and I haven't had the parcel + back. I wonder where it is. It looks as though things were + going on that you and I know nothing about. I shall be very + angry with him if he has forgotten to give you your parcel.</p> + + <p>Hoping you are quite well, thank you, Your loving</p> + + <p>UNCLE HENRY.</p> + + <p>DEAR UNCLE,—Thank you for your pretty card for my + birthday. I didn't got your parsel. Its very naughty of him + when its my birthday. I hop youll be very very angry with him + because its my birthday and I didnt get your parsel. And now no + more from your loving neice</p> + + <p>NANCY.</p> + + <p><i>The Postmaster-General</i>.</p> + + <p>SIR,—On Tuesday last I despatched by book-post a + parcel from the South-Western District Office. It is now + Friday, and the parcel has not been delivered. I should esteem + it a favour if you would kindly give the Official Handicapper + for the District in question instructions to allow my parcel to + start forthwith. Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>HY. FRESHFIELD.</p> + + <p><i>The Postmaster-General</i>.</p> + + <p>SIR,—In reply to your enquiry as to the nature of the + parcel, I beg to inform you that it was oblong in shape and + done up in brown paper and tied securely with string. To assist + you still further in the task of identification, I may mention + that it is addressed to Miss Nancy Freshfield, c/o F.E.L. + Freshfield, Esq., 47, Ottalie Gardens, Westminster, S.W.</p> + + <p>Trusting that nothing serious has occurred to disqualify my + parcel, Yours faithfully, HY. FRESHFIELD.</p> + + <p>DEAR UNCLE,—I thought it was such a long time my + parsel didnt come I would write to you dear Uncle. I hop you + were very angry with him. And now no more</p> + + <p>from your loving neice NANCY.</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—I am directed by the Postmaster-General to + inform you that your parcel has now been traced.</p> + + <p>The name of the addressee was correctly stated by you, but + you omitted to append such further instructions for the + guidance of the Post Office as to indicate the destination to + which you desired it to go. I have the pleasure to add that the + fuller information has been copied in from your letter, and the + parcel despatched....</p> + + <p>DEAR NANCY,—By the same post that brought me your + letter I heard from our absent-minded friend, the + Postmaster-General. You will be pained to learn that he is even + more absent-minded than we thought he was. Although, when I + handed him your parcel, I distinctly told him it was going to + Westminster, the moment my back is turned he must needs forget + all about it.</p> + + <p>I feel really rather sorry for him, and I don't think we + ought to be angry any more. He can't possibly forget now, + because I have written the address down for him. Your + loving</p> + + <p>UNCLE HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/53.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53.png" + alt="" /></a>WHAT TO DO WITH OUR FAT MEN; OR, EVERY + LITTLE HELPS. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" + id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> + + <h2>A CABINET CRISIS.</h2> + + <p>It had to be faced at last. There is a demand for them + occasionally, and people won't put up with that excellent one + taken under the crab-apple tree any longer.</p> + + <p>I was caught just right there. The sun was in an indulgent + mood and winked at the signs of advancing age. The bald patch + was out of sight, and the smile would have softened the heart + of an income-tax assessor. I acquired the negative from the + amateur performer, and had it vignetted, which made it better + still, as there was a space between the cashmere sock and the + spring trousering in the original that I did not want attention + drawn to. I had a large number of prints made, and dealt them + out to anybody who asked for a photograph of me. At first they + aroused considerable enthusiasm, but after five or six years a + look of doubt began to appear on the faces of the recipients. + Hadn't I got a later one? This was very nice, but—I + pointed out that I hadn't changed at all, or only a very + little. At my best I was still like that; and didn't they want + me at my best?</p> + + <p>At last a person described by himself as plain-spoken, and + by other people as offensively rude, said that I had never + really been as good-looking as that, with all possible + allowances made, and any way he wanted a photograph and not a + memorial card. I took a firm stand, and said that if he wasn't + satisfied with that one he could go without altogether, and he + said in the most insulting way that he supposed he should be + himself again in time if he took a tonic.</p> + + <p>A few more episodes of that sort eventually drove me to it. + I passed my <i>viva-voce</i> examination at the hands of the + young lady at the desk, paid my fees, got my testamur, and was + shown into the torture-chamber, where the head executioner was + busy adjusting his racks and screws.</p> + + <p>I was rather taken with the rustic seat that was standing on + a white fur mat in front of a scene representing the Jungfrau, + but he headed me off it. If I liked the Jungfrau as a + background I could have it, but not with the seat; that was for + engaged couples only. He recommended a pair of skis, or a + bobsleigh; he could put a fine fall of snow into the negative. + But as I had arrayed myself in a black coat, with one of those + white waistcoat slips, and a flowing tie with a pearl pin, I + refused this offer, and we decided we wouldn't have a + background at all.</p> + + <p>As the man who administered the laughing gas was out at + lunch, I prepared to go through with it in cold blood, and + seated myself in the operating chair in the most natural + attitude I could assume—something like the one I had + taken under the crab-tree. I thought I would show them that + there wasn't so much difference after all. But it did not suit + the head mechanic at all. He looked at me with his head on one + side, and then took hold of mine by the chin and the hair and + gave it a twist. I had never worn it at that angle in my life, + and I knew it would put my collar all wrong; but I had to do + what he told me. He arranged my coat so that it should look as + if it had been made to fit somebody else, and disposed my arms + in such a way as to give the sleeves the appearance of trouser + legs with rucks in them. I felt almost more sorry for my tailor + than for myself, but I shall send him one of the prints when I + get them; it will be good for him.</p> + + <p>We were now ready to tackle the expression. I had chosen one + that would have been suitable for a man with a fair No Trump + hand, but with one suit not fully guarded, as I didn't want to + overdo it; but, judging from the inquisitor's remarks about the + graveside, I am quite ready to admit that it might not have + come out like that. I hastily dealt myself a hundred aces and a + long suit of clubs, and he said that that was better, but I + must put off the idea of the funeral altogether. It was not + until I had assumed the appearance of a reach-me-down Nut with + a dislocated neck, being made love to by six chorus-girls at + once, that he condescended to take a look at me through the + peephole. Then he ran up to me, gave my chin another hitch, + pulled my neck another foot or two out of my collar, added a + ruck or two to my sleeves, and said he liked the other side of + my face better, after all.</p> + + <p>So we went through it all again, and I worked at it with a + will, for I wanted to see him get under his black cloth and + finish the business.</p> + + <p>It wasn't as bad as I had thought, but he was not done by + any means when he had fired his first shot. He rammed more + cartridges into the breach, and twisted me into three fresh + contortions. He said he was sure that some of the efforts would + turn out magnificently.</p> + + <p>I don't feel quite the same confidence myself. I am + anxiously awaiting the result, and trying to get rid of the + crick in my neck and to unbuckle the smile in the meantime. If + it doesn't turn out satisfactorily, I shall get a few + lines—not too deep—put into the negative of the one + taken under the crab-tree, and a little hair painted + out—but not too much.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/54.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/54.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"WORK! I'M NOT AFRAID O' WORK, BUT I CAN'T GET ANY IN MY + LINE."</p> + + <p>"WHAT IS YOUR LINE?"</p> + + <p>"I USED TO BE A STOCKBROKER, LIDY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lemnos and Samothrace are to pass to Greece, and Chios + and Wtlylene are to be neutralised."—<i>Daily + Citizen</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We shall remain anxious until the last-named is + sterilized.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" + id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAGEDY OF MIDDLE AGE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I was a mid-Victorian nut</p> + + <p class="i2">With a delicate taste in ties,</p> + + <p>A highly elegant figure I cut,</p> + + <p class="i2">At least in my own fond eyes,</p> + + <p>And used to regard unwaxed moustaches</p> + + <p>As one of the worst of social laches.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now I find in my youngest son</p> + + <p class="i2">The sternest of autocrats.</p> + + <p>He tells me the things that must be done</p> + + <p class="i2">And orders my collars and spats;</p> + + <p>Prescribes mild exercise on the links</p> + + <p>And advises me on the choice of drinks.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've faithfully striven to imitate</p> + + <p class="i2">My Mentor in dress and diction,</p> + + <p>And loyally laboured to cultivate</p> + + <p class="i2">A taste for the latest fiction;</p> + + <p>Though I still read DICKENS upon the sly,</p> + + <p>And even SCOTT, when nobody's by.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's true I've managed to draw the line</p> + + <p class="i2">At going to tango teas,</p> + + <p>For, after all, I am fifty-nine</p> + + <p class="i2">And a trifle stiff in the knees;</p> + + <p>But I've had to give up billiards for "slosh,"</p> + + <p>And pay laborious homage to "squash."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long since my whiskers I had to shave</p> + + <p class="i2">To please this young barbarian,</p> + + <p>But still for a while I stealthily clave</p> + + <p class="i2">To the use of Pommade Hungarian;</p> + + <p>But now my tyrant has made me snip</p> + + <p>The glory and pride of my upper lip.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My dear old man," he recently said,</p> + + <p class="i2">"If you go on waxing the ends,</p> + + <p>You're bound to be cut, direct and dead,</p> + + <p class="i2">By all of my nuttiest friends.</p> + + <p>For it's only done, so <i>The Mail</i> + discovers,</p> + + <p>By Labour leaders and taxi-shovers."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So the deed was done, but whenever I gaze</p> + + <p class="i2">On my face in the glass I moan</p> + + <p>As I think of the mid-Victorian days</p> + + <p class="i2">When my upper lip was my own.</p> + + <p>For now, of length and of breadth bereft,</p> + + <p>The ghost of a tooth-brush is all that's left.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"MISSING</p> + + <p>NAVY</p> + + <p>PAYMASTER</p> + + <p>ARRESTED."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"Evening Standard" Poster.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>So that's where it was all the time!</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Under-sheriff said ... rumours against a man's + character were like a rolling stone, gathering moss as it + went."—<i>Western Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"As fond of the fire as a burnt child," is another of the + Under Sheriff's favourite sayings.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/55.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Indulgent Householder</i>. "WHY ARE YOU SINGING + CAROLS, MY LITTLE MAN? DON'T YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS + OVER?"</p> + + <p><i>Youthful Caroller</i>. "YES, SIR; BUT I 'AD MEASLES + ALL FROO CHRISTMAS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONCE UPON A TIME.</h2> + + <h3>GLAMOUR.</h3> + + <p>Once upon a time there was a peer who knew the frailty of + unennobled man.</p> + + <p>Having occasion to entertain at dinner a number of useful + follows, he instructed his butler to transfer the labels from a + number of empty bottles of champagne to an equal number of + magnums of dry ginger-ale, at ten shillings the dozen, and + these were placed on the table.</p> + + <p>At the beginning of the repast his lordship casually drew + attention to the wine which he was giving his guests, and asked + for their candid opinion of it, as he was aware that they were + all good judges, who knew a good thing when they saw it, and he + would value their opinion.</p> + + <p>And they one and all said it was an excellent champagne, and + two or three made a note of it in their pocket-books. And such + was their loyal enthusiasm that the banquet ended in a fine + glow of something exactly like hilarity.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" + id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h3>"MARY-GIRL."</h3> + + <p>"I'm not going to give up my daily bath!" In these pregnant + and moving words rang the <i>cri de coeur</i> which was to + precipitate the tragedy of <i>Mary Sheppard</i>. To you the + attitude of mind which provoked this cry may seem as natural as + it was sanitary. But you must understand that it ran directly + counter to <i>Ezra Sheppard's</i> ideal of the simple + God-fearing life. Godliness with him came first, and + cleanliness followed where it could. In his view a tub once a + week was all that any sane person should need. Apart from this + hebdomadal use its proper function was to hold dirty dishes and + soiled clothes for the washing. And indeed this had at one time + been <i>Mary's</i> own view (though tempered by vague + aspirations towards a softer existence, as we might have + guessed from the elegance of her brown shoes) before a year of + the higher life had shaken her content. Let us go back.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/56.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/56.png" + alt="" /></a>Mr. MCKINNEL (<i>Ezra Sheppard</i>) to + Miss MAY BLAYNEY (<i>Mary Sheppard</i>). "You've been + lying again! You know how I hate it—I told you + so in this very theatre when we were playing in + <i>Between Sunset and Dawn</i>." + </div> + + <p><i>Ezra Sheppard</i> was by profession a market-gardener, + and his favourite recreation was preaching in a barn. We have + the picture of a frugal but happy interior, with a new-born + infant (<i>off</i>). The trouble began with an offer made to + his wife of a situation as foster-mother to the baby (also + <i>off</i>) of a neighbouring Countess. The wages were to be + high and she was to be delicately entreated; but there were + hard conditions. She was not to hold communication with her + husband or child for twelve months. I am sorry to say that + <i>Mary</i> did not flinch from these conditions quite so much + as I could have hoped. <i>Ezra</i>, however, rejected them for + her with manly scorn, until he was reminded that the high wages + would speed the end of his own ambitions—namely, to + replace his barn with a conventicle of brick. So he let his + wife loose into Eden with the Serpent.</p> + + <p>And now we see <i>Mary</i> seated in the lap of luxury, with + soft gowns to wear, and peaches to eat and instant slaves at + her beck. You will, of course, expect her virtue to fall an + easy prey; but you will be wrong. The Earl's attitude is + pleasantly parental, and the attentions of the Countess's + cavalier—an author—are confined to the extraction + of copy. And anyhow <i>Mary's</i> instincts are sound. Now and + again she remembers to pity the loneliness of her husband, + whose cottage light she can see from the window of her bower; + and once, by a ruse, she gets him to break the conditions and + visit her; but when he learns that the invitation came from + her, and not, as alleged, from the Countess, his conscience + will not permit him to take advantage of his chance. So you + have the unusual spectacle of a true and loving wife pleading + in vain for the embraces of her true and loving husband.</p> + + <p>But if her virtue, in the technical sense, remained intact, + the Serpent had overfed her with <i>pommes de luxe</i>. On her + return home—where the restoration of her child might have + helped matters, but it doesn't know who she is and refuses to + part from its foster-mother—we find her lethargic, off + her feed, indifferent to the claims of menial toil, and + clamorous (as I have shown) for her rights of the daily + bath.</p> + + <p>In the first joy of conjugal reunion <i>Ezra</i> consents to + tolerate the discomfort of this change, but in the end he loses + patience and hits her. She leaves for London the same + afternoon.</p> + + <p>Six black months pass over the husband's bowed head, and + then, on a very windy night (the wind was well done), she makes + a re-entry, and confesses that, under stress of need, she has + lapsed from virtue. This is bad news for <i>Ezra</i>, but he is + prepared to forgive a fault in which he himself has had a fair + share. Only there must be a sacrifice of something, if moral + justice is to be appeased. So he chooses between his wife and + his chapel and does execution on the latter. He goes out into + the storm and sets the thing alight. His conscience is thus + purified by fire, the gale being favourable to arson.</p> + + <p>It is a pity that so excellent an object as a brick chapel + should be the evil genius of the play. Yet so it is. Built of + the materials of Scandinavian drama, it is always just round + the corner, heavy with doom. We never see it, but we hear more + than enough about it, and in the end it becomes a bore which we + are well rid of.</p> + + <p>The theme of the perils of foster-motherhood is not new, but + Mrs. MERRICK has treated it freshly and with a very decent + avoidance of its strictly sexual aspects. But her methods are + too sedentary. She kept on with her atmosphere long after we + knew the details of the cottage interior by heart; while a + whole volume of active tragedy—<i>Mary's</i> six months + in London—was left to our fevered imagination. And the + sense of reality which she was at such pains to create was + spoiled by dialogue freely carried on in the immediate vicinity + of persons who were not supposed to overhear it.</p> + + <p>The chief attraction of <i>Mary-Girl</i> (a silly title) was + the engaging personality of Miss MAY BLAYNEY. Always a + fascinating figure to watch, she showed an extraordinary + sensitiveness of voice and expression. As for that honest and + admirable actor, Mr. MCKINNEL, who made the perfect foil to her + charms that every good husband should wish to be, he seems + never to tire of playing these stern, dour, semi-brutal parts. + That more genial characters are open to him his success in + <i>Great Catherine</i> showed. Miss MARY BROUGH, as a + charwoman, supplied a rare need with her richly-flavoured + humour and its clipped sentences. All the rest did themselves + justice. Miss HELEN FERRERS was a shade more aristocratic than + the aristocrat of stage tradition; and it was not the fault of + Miss DOROTHY FANE (as her daughter, <i>Lady Folkington</i>) + that she was required to behave incredibly in the presence of + her inferiors. I have not much to say for the manners of + Society in its own circles; but it is probably at its best in + its intercourse with humbler neighbours. Mrs. MERRICK's picture + of the <i>Countess</i> on a visit to the <i>Sheppards'</i> + cottage might have been designed for a poster of the Land + Campaign.</p> + + <p>There was no dissenting note, I am glad to say, in the + reception of Mrs. MERRICK's charming self when she appeared + after the fall of the curtain.</p> + + <p>"A pretty authoress!" said an actress in the stalls.</p> + + <p>"Is that your comment on the play?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes!" she said.</p> + + <p>O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Her Majesty was accompanied by Princess Henry and + John."—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Where was Lord SAYE AND SELE?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" + id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/57.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57.png" + alt="" /></a>"COME, COME, SIR! THAT'S THE HORSE WE + KEEP FOR QUITE YOUNG CHILDREN! HE WANTS TO <i>PLAY</i> + WITH YOU, SIR!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LAST STRAW.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I sing the sofa! It had stood for years,</p> + + <p class="i2">An invitation to benign repose,</p> + + <p>A foe to all the fretful brood of fears,</p> + + <p class="i2">Bidding the weary eye-lid sink and + close.</p> + + <p>Massive and deep and broad it was and + bland—</p> + + <p>In short the noblest sofa in the land.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You, too, my friend, my solid friend, I sing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whom on an afternoon I did behold</p> + + <p>Eying—'twas after lunch—the cushioned + thing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And murmuring gently, "Here are realms of + gold,</p> + + <p>And I shall visit them," you said, "and be</p> + + <p>The sofa's burden till it's time for tea."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Let those who will go forth," you said, "and + dare,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beyond the cluster of the little + shops,</p> + + <p>To strain their limbs and take the eager air,</p> + + <p class="i2">Seeking the heights of Hedsor and its + copse.</p> + + <p>I shall abide and watch the far-off gleams</p> + + <p>Of fairy beacons from the world of dreams."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then forth we fared, and you, no doubt, lay + down,</p> + + <p class="i2">An easy victim to the sofa's charms,</p> + + <p>Forgetting hopes of fame and past renown,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lapped in those padded and alluring + arms.</p> + + <p>"How well," you said, and veiled your heavy + eyes,</p> + + <p>"It slopes to suit me! This is Paradise."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So we adventured to the topmost hill,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, when the sunset shot the sky with + red,</p> + + <p>Homeward returned and found you taking still</p> + + <p class="i2">Deep draughts of peace with pillows + 'neath your head.</p> + + <p>"His sleep," said one, "has been unduly long."</p> + + <p>Another said, "Let's bring and beat the gong."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Gongs," said a third and gazed with looks + intent</p> + + <p class="i2">At the full sofa, "are not adequate.</p> + + <p>There fits some dread, some heavy, punishment</p> + + <p class="i2">For one who sleeps with such a dreadful + weight.</p> + + <p>Behold with me," he moaned, "a scene accurst.</p> + + <p>The springs are broken and the sofa's burst!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Too true! Too true! Beneath you on the floor</p> + + <p class="i2">Lay blent in ruin all the obscure + things</p> + + <p>That were the sofa's strength, a scattered store</p> + + <p class="i2">Of tacks and battens and protruded + springs.</p> + + <p>Through the rent ticking they had all been + spilt,</p> + + <p>Mute proofs and mournful of your weight and + guilt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And you? You slept as sweetly as a child,</p> + + <p class="i2">And when you woke you recked not of your + shame,</p> + + <p>But babbled greetings, stretched yourself and + smiled</p> + + <p class="i2">From that eviscerated sofa's frame,</p> + + <p>Which, flawless erst, was now one mighty flaw</p> + + <p>Through the addition of yourself as straw.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>R.C.L.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A really acceptable present for a lady is a nice piece + of artificial hair, as, when not absolutely necessary, it + is always useful and ornamental."—<i>Advt. in + "Aberdeen Free Press."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Still, it might be misunderstood.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Theologians and mystics might say, 'Is that not mere + anthropomrhpism?'"—<i>Mr. BALFOUR according to "The + Daily Mail."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But a Welshman would say it best.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"An aggressive minority succeeded in showing that the + Little Navy-ites do not represent the bulk of public + opinion."—<i>Daily Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is, of course, always the aggressive minority which + really represents the bulk of public opinion.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" + id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + + <h2>A BYGONE.</h2> + + <p>When I see the white-haired and venerable Thompson standing + behind my equally white-haired but much less venerable father + at dinner, exuding an atmosphere of worth and uprightness and + checking by his mere silent presence the more flippant + tendencies of our conversation; when I hear him whisper into my + youthful son's ear, "Sherry, Sir?" in the voice of a tolerant + teetotaler who would not force his principles upon any man but + hopes sincerely that this one will say No; and when I am + informed that he promised our bootboy a rapid and inevitable + descent to a state of infamy and destitution upon discovering + no more than the fag end of a cigarette behind his ear, then I + am tempted to recall an incident of fifteen years back, lest it + be forgotten that Thompson is a man like ourselves who has + known, and even owned, a human weakness.</p> + + <p>Dinner had begun on that eventful evening at 7.30 P.M., and + it was drawing within sight of a conclusion, that is, the sweet + had been eaten and the savoury was overdue, at 9.45 P.M. Four + of us had trailed thus far through this critical meal: my + father, a usually patient widower who was becoming more than + restless; the Robinsons, never a jocund brace of guests, who + were by now positively sullen, and myself who, being but a + boy—of twenty odd years and having little enough to say + to a woman of fifty-five and her still more antique husband, + had long ago settled down to a determined silence. Meanwhile + Thompson, then in his first year of service with us, tarried + mysteriously heaven knows where.</p> + + <p>The intervals of preparation before each course had been + growing longer and longer and the pause before the savoury + threatened to be infinite. My father commanded me to ring the + bell severely. Longing to escape from the table I did so with + emphasis, and my ring summoned (to our surprise, for we were + not aware of her existence in the house) a slightly soiled + kitchen-maid.</p> + + <p>"Where is Thompson?" asked my father sternly.</p> + + <p>"At the telephone, Sir," stammered the maid.</p> + + <p>"The telephone!" cried my father. "Whatever is the + matter?"</p> + + <p>The maid started to mumble an explanation, burst into tears + and fled in alarm, never again to emerge from the back regions. + My father commanded me to the bell again, but as I rose + Thompson entered. He was even then a stately and dignified + person, and it was with a measured tread and slow that he + advanced upon my father.</p> + + <p>"Will you please serve the savoury at once?" said my + father.</p> + + <p>"I am afraid it cannot be done, Sir," said Thompson. "May I + explain, Sir?"</p> + + <p>"What is the meaning of this?" asked my father, fearing some + terrible disaster below stairs, and sacrificing politeness to + his guests with the hope of saving lives in the kitchen.</p> + + <p>Thompson cleared his throat.—"For some weeks, Sir," he + said, "I have been much worried with financial affairs. Like a + fool I have invested all my savings in speculative shares, and + the variations of the market have unduly depressed me. When I + am depressed I take no food, and that depresses me even + more."</p> + + <p>You will be as surprised as we were that this was allowed to + continue, but when a man of so few words as Thompson chooses to + come out of his shell he is always master of the situation. + "And so, Sir," he continued, "I have taken the liberty of + telephoning to the mews for a cab."</p> + + <p>He paused and bowed, as if this made it all clear, and was + about to withdraw. "Kindly finish serving dinner at once, and + don't be impudent," my father got out at last.</p> + + <p>Thompson sighed. "It is absolutely out of the question, + Sir," said he. "Quite, quite impossible."</p> + + <p>"Why on earth?" cried my father.</p> + + <p>Thompson became, if possible, more solemn and deliberate + than before. "I am drunk, Sir," said he.</p> + + <p>At this point Mrs. Robinson, whose indignation had slowly + been swelling within her, rose and left the room. Robinson, as + in duty bound, followed. Neither of them, to my infinite joy, + has ever returned...</p> + + <p>"Depressed by want of food, Sir," continued Thompson, by + sheer duress preventing my father from following his guests and + attempting to pacify them, "I have taken to spirits. I do not + like the taste of spirits and they go at once to my head. They + depress me further, Sir, but they intoxicate me. Yes, I am + undoubtedly tipsy."</p> + + <p>My father seized the opportunity of his pause for reflection + to order him to leave the room and present himself in the + morning when he was sober.</p> + + <p>"You dismiss us without notice, Sir," he stated, referring + to himself and his wife in the kitchen. "First thing in the + morning we go. And so I have ordered the cab to take us."</p> + + <p>This was a very proper fate for Thompson but came a little + hard on my father. "But what am <i>I</i> to do?" asked he.</p> + + <p>Thompson regarded him with a desultory smile. "The Mews + desires to know, Sir," said he, "who will pay for the cab?"</p> + + <p>I ought to be able to state that there followed with the + cold light of day an apology, with passionate tears and + remorse, from Thompson, or at least a severe reprimand from my + father before he consented to keep him on. I regret to say that + my father, next morning, postponed the interview till the + evening, and from the evening till the next morning, + and—that interview is still pending. If this seems weak, + you have only to see Thompson to realize that no man with any + sense of the incongruous could even mention the word "Drink" in + his presence.</p> + + <p>As for the cab which Thompson had ordered, though we never + saw it we later heard all about it. It went to the wrong house + because, as the proprietor of the mews informed us with shame + and regret, the driver entrusted with the order had been very + much under the influence of alcohol. Altogether it is a sordid + tale, made no better by the fact that the house which the + drunken driver chose to go to and insult was the + Robinsons'...</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LOVE AT THE CINEMA.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Inert I watched the Hero sacked</p> + + <p class="i2">For lapses clearly not his own;</p> + + <p class="i4">The midnight murder on the cliff,</p> + + <p class="i4">The wonted ante-nuptial tiff,</p> + + <p class="i4">The orange-blossoms, bored me stiff.</p> + + <p>The picture-hall was simply packed,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I was all alone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Alone! Two little hours could span</p> + + <p class="i2">The gloom that bound me stark and + grim</p> + + <p class="i4">(No melancholy pierced me through</p> + + <p class="i4">Before the 7.32</p> + + <p class="i4">Had ravished Barbara from view),</p> + + <p>And yet I brooked it like a man</p> + + <p class="i2">Until I noticed HIM.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He sat extravagantly near</p> + + <p class="i2">His Heart's Delight. To my distress,</p> + + <p class="i4">When temporary twilight fell,</p> + + <p class="i4">He squeezed her hand (and squeezed it + well!),</p> + + <p class="i4">Possessed her waist, and in that + shell,</p> + + <p>That damask shell she calls an ear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Breathed words of tenderness.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The blood ran riot to my head</p> + + <p class="i2">And still I held my madness thrall,</p> + + <p class="i4">My lips repressed the frenzied + shriek,</p> + + <p class="i4">My straining heart was stout as teak;</p> + + <p class="i4">But, when he kissed her mantling + cheek,</p> + + <p>I broke—and two attendants led</p> + + <p class="i2">Me wailing from the hall.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" + id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/59.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/59.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE LOST CHRISTMAS PRESENT.</h3> + + <p><i>Maid</i> (<i>to postman delivering long-delayed + parcel</i>). "WHAT IS IT?"</p> + + <p><i>Postman</i>. "LABEL SAYS, 'WILD DUCKS,' BUT THEY'RE + 'UMMING-BIRDS NOW".</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>There is at least one thing that will surprise you about + <i>It Happened in Egypt</i> (METHUEN), and that is that, + although C.N. and A.M. WILLIAMSON are the writers, motor-cars + are hardly so much as mentioned throughout. It is a tale of the + Nile and the Desert, of camels and caravans, told with a quite + extraordinary power of making you feel that you have visited + the scenes described. But this, of course, if you have any + previous experience of the WILLIAMSON method, will not surprise + you at all. As for the story that strings the scenes together, + though it promised well, with almost every possible element of + fictional excitement—buried treasure, and spies, and + abductions, and secrets—somehow the result was not wholly + up to the expectation thus created. To borrow an appropriate + simile, the great thrill remained something of a mirage, always + in sight and never actually reached. Also I wish to record my + passionate protest against stories of treasure-trove in which + the treasure is not taken away in sacks and used to enrich the + hunters; I am all against leaving it underground, for whatever + charming and romantic reasons. No, it is not so much as a novel + of adventure that might have happened pretty well anywhere that + I advise you to read this book, but as a super-guide to scenes + and sensations that happen in Egypt and nowhere else. From the + moment when, as one of the WILLIAMSON party, you sit down to + breakfast on the terrace of Shepherd's, till you take leave of + your fellow-travellers in the mountain-tomb of QUEEN CANDACE, + you will enjoy the nearest possible approach to a luxurious + Egyptian tour, under delightful guidance, and at an inclusive + fare of six shillings.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. SETON GORDON is a bold man. It is one thing to call a + book <i>The Charm of the Hills</i> (CASSELL) and quite another + to succeed in conveying that charm through the medium of the + printed word. Perhaps, however, he was encouraged by the + success that has already attended these pen-pictures of + Highland scenes in serial form; certainly he knew also that he + had another source of strength in a collection of the most + fascinating photographs of mountain scenery and wild life, + nearly a hundred of which are reproduced in the present volume. + So that what Mr. GORDON the writer fails to convey about his + favourite haunts (which is not much) Mr. GORDON the + photographer is ready to supply. The papers, which range in + subject from ptarmigan to cairngorms, are written with an + engaging simplicity and directness, and show a sympathetic + knowledge of wild nature such as is the reward only of long + familiarity. The glorious mountain wind blows through them all, + so that as you read you feel the heather brushing your knees, + and see the clouds massing on the peaks of + Ben-something-or-other. Perhaps Mr. GORDON is at his most + interesting on the subject of the Golden Eagle. There are many + striking snapshots of the king of birds in his royal home; and + some stories of court life in an eyrie that are fresh and + enthralling. One thing that I was specially glad to learn on so + good authority is that the Golden Eagle, so far from being + threatened with extinction, is actually increasing in the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> deer forests of the North. + This is intelligence as welcome as it is nowadays unusual. + The book, which is published at 10<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> net, + is dedicated "to one who loves the glens and corries of the + hills"; and all who answer to this description should be + grateful to the writer for his delightful record.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Goodness knows that of all London's teeming millions I am + the possessor of the most easily curdled blood, but my flesh + declined to creep an inch from the first page to the last of + <i>Animal Ghosts</i> (RIDER). I think it was Mr. ELLIOTT + O'DONNELL's way of telling his stories that was responsible for + my indifference. He is so incorrigibly reticent. His idea of a + well-told ghost story runs on these lines:—"In the year + 189—, in the picturesque village of C——, hard + by the manufacturing town of L——, there lived a + wealthy gentleman named T—— with his cousin + F—— and two friends M—— and + R——." I simply refuse to take any interest in the + spectres of initials, still less in the spectres of the + domestic pets of initials. I am no bigot; by all means deny + your ghost his prerogative of clanking chains and rattling + bones; but there are certain points on which I do take a firm + stand, and this matter of initials is one of them. Not one of + these stories is convincing. Mr. O'DONNELL taps you on the + chest and whispers hoarsely, "As I stood there my blood + congealed, I could scarcely breathe. My scalp bristled;" and + you, if you are like me, hide a yawn and say, "No, really?" + There is a breezy carelessness, too, about his methods which + kills a story. He distinctly states, for instance, that the + story of the "Headless Cat of No. ——, Lower Seedley + Street, Manchester," was told to him by a Mr. ROBERT DANE. In + the first half of the narrative this gentleman's brother-in-law + addresses him as <i>Jack</i>, and later on his wife says to + him, "Oh, <i>Edward</i>." What a man whose own Christian name + is so much a matter of opinion has to say about seeing headless + cats does not seem to me to be evidence.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There seems to be an increasing public for the volume of + reflections. At all events Mr. REGINALD LUCAS, who has already + two or three successes in this kind to his credit, has been + encouraged to produce another, to which he has given the + pleasant title of <i>The Measure of our Thoughts</i> + (HUMPHREYS). It is, of course, difficult to be critical with a + book like this; either it pleases the reader or it doesn't, and + that is about all that can be said. One reason for my belief + that Mr. LUCAS's <i>Thoughts</i> will please is that he has put + them into the brain of a definitely conceived and very well + drawn character. They are told in the form of letters by this + character to his old tutor. The writer is supposed to be the + rather unattractive and self-conscious eldest son of a noble + house, who suffers from the presence of a father and sister who + think him a fool, and a brother whose charm is a continual and + painful contrast to his own lack of it. The special skill of + the letters is their self-revelation, which brings out the + pathos of the writer's position, while at the same time showing + quite clearly the defects that explained it. Mr. LUCAS, in + short, does not commit the error of making his hero merely a + mute, misunderstood paragon, whom anyone with common + penetration must have recognised as such. On the contrary, we + sympathise with him, especially in the big tragedy of his life, + while quite admitting that to any casual acquaintance he must + have appeared only a dull and uninteresting egoist. This I call + clever, because it shows that Mr. LUCAS has created a real + thinker, rather than striven to give him any unusual profundity + of thought. An agreeable book.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the sixteenth chapter of the First Part of <i>The Rocks + of Valpré</i> (FISHER UNWIN) <i>Trevor Mordaunt</i> + married <i>Christine Wyndham</i>, and on the last page (which + is the 511th) of the book, "she opened to him the doors of her + soul, and drew him within...." Granted that <i>Mordaunt</i>, + with the eyes of steel, was not exactly an oncoming man and + that when he married <i>Christine</i> he received, as wedding + presents, two or three brothers-in-law who sponged hopelessly + upon him, I still think that Miss ETHEL DELL has given us too + detailed an account of the domestic differences between + <i>Mordaunt</i> and his wife. For my own part I became frankly + tired of the pecuniary crises of the <i>Wyndhams</i> and of + their incurable inability to tell the truth. Had + <i>Mordaunt</i> got up and given these feckless brethren a + sound hiding I should have been relieved, but he preferred to + make them squirm by using his steely eyes. In the future I + suggest to Miss DELL that she should leave these strong silent + men alone. They have had their day and gone out of vogue. The + best part of this book, and indeed the best work Miss DELL has + yet done, is her treatment of the romantic friendship between + <i>Christine</i> and <i>Bertrand de Montville</i>. It is + handled so touchingly and so surely that I resent with all the + more peevishness the banality of the steel-eyed one.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/60.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60.png" + alt="" /></a>ONE OF THE FEW HISTORIC MANSIONS OF + ENGLAND WHERE QUEEN ELIZABETH DID <i>NOT</i> SLEEP. + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"His lordship dismissed the application, with costs, and + the jury found in his favour, assessing the damages at + £1,000."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We should like to be a Judge. It seems to be easy and + well-paid work.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From the synopsis of a Singapore play—just the last + scene or two:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Samion, after going through Nyai Dasima's fortune, + maltreated her, and told her to leave his protection. He + also commissioned a wicked man called Puasa to murder Nyai + Dasima. Puasa murdered Dasima, and throw her body into a + river. The corpse of Dasima floated and entangled in the + bathing-place of William. William, seeing this, at once + reported to the Police of Dasima's death. Puasa and others + were arrested and imprisoned. The Judge investigated the + case, and Puasa was sentenced to be hanged. Samion got mad + and died. Mah Buyong also got mad."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And so home to bed.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 21, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146 *** + +***** This file should be named 12465-h.htm or 12465-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12465/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: + https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + + + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/41.png b/old/12465-h/images/41.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50bcdd9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/41.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/43.png b/old/12465-h/images/43.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..821ffc7 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/43.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/45.png b/old/12465-h/images/45.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ebbb97 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/45.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/47.png b/old/12465-h/images/47.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a854144 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/47.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/49.png b/old/12465-h/images/49.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ba429a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/49.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/50.png b/old/12465-h/images/50.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..52f5d07 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/50.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/51.png b/old/12465-h/images/51.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c326958 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/51.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/53.png b/old/12465-h/images/53.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..82a0939 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/53.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/54.png b/old/12465-h/images/54.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b917055 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/54.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/55.png b/old/12465-h/images/55.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..13e2486 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/55.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/56.png b/old/12465-h/images/56.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c51d575 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/56.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/57.png b/old/12465-h/images/57.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aef6204 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/57.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/59.png b/old/12465-h/images/59.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bfced8d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/59.png diff --git a/old/12465-h/images/60.png b/old/12465-h/images/60.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..25893be --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465-h/images/60.png diff --git a/old/12465.txt b/old/12465.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9d625ab --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12465.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2309 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., +January 21, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 146., January 21, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 28, 2004 [EBook #12465] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +January 21, 1914. + + + + +[Illustration: "NOT VERY SPORTING LINKS, ARE THEY?" + +EVEN EARTHQUAKES HAVE THEIR USE. + +"AH, THAT'LL MAKE BETTER GOLF."] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +MAJOR-GENERAL LEONARD WOOD, chief of the U.S.A. General Staff, has +reported that the American Army is, practically speaking, unarmed, +and advises the immediate expenditure of L1,200,000 for artillery and +ammunition. We fancy, however, that the present state of affairs is +the result of a compromise with the American Peace party, who will not +object to their country having an army so long as it is unarmed. + + *** + +"VICTORY FOR THE ORANGE WOMEN. + +DRURY LANE INSTITUTION TO CONTINUE." + +This should put heart into the Orange Men of Ulster. + + *** + +We hear that, to celebrate the recent glorious victory in Alsace, the +little town of Zabern is to be re-named Saebeln. + + *** + +The Rev. N. FITZPATRICK, describing a visit to the Balkan States in +a lecture at the Camera Club, spoke of the difficulties he had with +his laundry. The same bundle of clothes was soaked in Roumania, +rough-dried in Bulgaria, and ironed in Servia. We are astonished +that the lecturer should have made no mention of mangling, which we +understand is done well in the Balkan States. + + *** + +The KAISER, we are told, has given instructions that his _menus_ are +in future to be written in German. What, by the way, _is_ the French +for _Sauerkraut_? + + *** + +Mr. ARCHIBALD, a member of the Australian House of Representatives, +has calculated that the value of the property of the five million +inhabitants of the Commonwealth is L780,000,000. We cannot but think +it is a mistake to divulge the fact with so many dishonest people +about. + + *** + +_I do like your eyes_ is the latest bright thought for a Revue title. +To be followed, no doubt, by _Her nose isn't bad, is it?_ and _What's +wrong with her toes?_ + + *** + +"FRENCH BATTLESHIP DROPPED." + +_Pall Mall Gazette_. + +Very careless of someone. + + *** + +Reading that one of the features of the new British battleship class +will be less draught, Aunt Caroline remarked that she was glad to hear +this: she had always understood that during even half a gale it was +very easy to catch cold at sea. + + *** + +Sir RUFUS ISAACS has decided to take the title of Lord READING. This +still leaves it open to a distinguished literary man, should he be +made a peer, to become Lord Writing. + + *** + +The age of pleasure! Where will it stop? Extract from _The Witney +Gazette_:--"On Monday evening a very successful dance was given in the +Corn Exchange ... The company numbered over one hundred, and dancing +to the strains of Taylor's Oxford Scarlet Band was enjoyed till the +early hours of Wednesday morning." + + *** + +While Police Constable JAKEMAN was in Eldon Road, Reading, last week, +a cat suddenly pounced on him and bit him. We have not yet received +a full account of the incident, but apparently the constable was on +detective duty and cleverly disguised as a mouse. + + *** + +One of the cats shown at the Grand Championship Cat Show had her fur +cut and trimmed like a poodle's. The matter has been much discussed in +canine circles, and we understand that there may be trouble. + + *** + +An express train travelling from Nice to Macon was, last week, beaten +by an eagle, which raced it over a distance of eighteen miles. Birds +are evidently being put upon their mettle by the aeroplanes. + + *** + +Alleged notice outside Drury Lane:-- + +SLEEPING BEAUTY. + +N.B.--CHAUFFEURS ARE KINDLY +REQUESTED NOT TO HOOT +WHEN PASSING. + + *** + +From Paris comes the news that a successor to the Tango has been +found in the form of a Chinese dance known as the Tatao. The name, +presumably, is a contraction of the words "Ta-ta, Tango." + + *** + +A new character named "It" appears in the revival of _The Darling of +the Gods_. We presume it is The Limit. + + *** + +The manager of the Little Theatre is making arrangements for shilling +seats for the first time in the history of the house. How is it going +to be done? By _Magic_, of course. + + *** + +"The Shepherdess without a Heart" continues to make good progress, and +the medical profession is much interested. + + * * * * * + +A FAREWELL TOUR. + +This is positively Chum's last appearance in print--for his own sake +no less than for yours. He is conceited enough as it is, but if once +he got to know that people are always writing about him in the papers +his swagger would be unbearable. However, I have said good-bye to +him now; I have no longer any rights in him. Yesterday I saw him off +to his new home, and when we meet again it will be on a different +footing. "Is that your dog?" I shall say to his master. "What is he? A +Cocker? Jolly little fellows, aren't they? I had one myself once." + +As Chum refused to do the journey across London by himself, I met him +at Liverpool Street. He came up in a crate; the world must have seemed +very small to him on the way. "Hallo, old ass," I said to him through +the bars, and in the little space they gave him he wriggled his body +with delight. "Thank Heaven there's _one_ of 'em alive," he said. + +"I think this is my dog," I said to the guard, and I told him my name. + +He asked for my card. + +"I'm afraid I haven't one with me," I explained. When policemen touch +me on the shoulder and ask me to go quietly; when I drag old gentlemen +from underneath motor-'buses, and they decide to adopt me on the spot; +on all the important occasions when one really wants a card, I never +have one with me. + +"Can't give him up without proof of identity," said the guard, and +Chum grinned at the idea of being thought so valuable. + +I felt in my pockets for letters. There was only one, but it offered +to lend me L10,000 on my note of hand alone. It was addressed to "Dear +Sir," and though I pointed out to the guard that I was the "Sir," he +still kept tight hold of Chum. Strange that one man should be prepared +to trust me with L10,000, and another should be so chary of confiding +to me a small black spaniel. + +"Tell the gentleman who I am," I said imploringly through the bars. +"Show him you know me." + +"He's _really_ all right," said Chum, looking at the guard with his +great honest brown eyes. "He's been with us for years." + +And then I had an inspiration. I turned down the inside pocket of my +coat; and there, stitched into it, was the label of my tailor's with +my name written on it. I had often wondered why tailors did this; +obviously they know how stupid guards can be. + +"I suppose that's all right," said the guard reluctantly. Of course I +might have stolen the coat. I see his point. + +"You--you wouldn't like a nice packing case for yourself?" I said +timidly. "You see, I thought I'd put Chum on the lead. I've got to +take him to Paddington, and he must be tired of his shell by now. It +isn't as if he were _really_ an armadillo." + +The guard thought he would like a shilling and a nice packing case. +Wood, he agreed, was always wood, particularly in winter, but there +were times when you were not ready for it. + +"How are you taking him?" he asked, getting to work with a chisel. +"Underground?" + +"Underground?" I cried in horror. "Take Chum on the Underground? +Take--Have you ever taken a large live conger-eel on the end of a +string into a crowded carriage?" + +The guard never had. + +"Well, don't. Take him in a taxi instead. Don't waste him on other +people." + +The crate yawned slowly, and Chum emerged all over straw. We had an +anxious moment, but the two of us got him down and put the lead on +him. Then Chum and I went off for a taxi. + +"Hooray," said Chum, wriggling all over, "isn't this splendid? I say, +which way are you going? I'm going this way?... No, I mean the other +way." + +Somebody had left some of his milk-cans on the platform. Three times +we went round one in opposite directions and unwound ourselves the +wrong way. Then I hauled him in, took him struggling in my arms and +got into a cab. + +The journey to Paddington was full of interest. For a whole minute +Chum stood quietly on the seat, rested his fore-paws on the open +window and drank in London. Then he jumped down and went mad. He tried +to hang me with the lead, and then in remorse tried to hang himself. +He made a dash for the little window at the back; missed it and +dived out of the window at the side; was hauled back and kissed me +ecstatically, in the eye with his sharpest tooth ... "And I thought +the world was at an end," he said, "and there were no more people. +Oh, I am an ass. I say, did you notice I'd had my hair cut? How do +you like my new trousers? I must show you them." He jumped on to my +lap. "No, I think you'll see them better on the ground," he said, and +jumped down again. "Or no, perhaps you _would_ get a better view if--" +he jumped up hastily, "and yet I don't know--" he dived down, "though +of course, if you--Oh lor! this _is_ a day," and he put both paws +lovingly on my collar. + +Suddenly he was quiet again. The stillness, the absence of storm +in the taxi was so unnatural that I began to miss it. "Buck up, old +fool," I said, but he sat motionless by my side, plunged in thought. I +tried to cheer him up. I pointed out King's Cross to him; he wouldn't +even bark at it. I called his attention to the poster outside the +Euston Theatre of The Two Biffs; for all the regard he showed he might +never even have heard of them. The monumental masonry by Portland Road +failed to uplift him. + +At Baker Street he woke up and grinned cheerily. "It's all right," +he said, "I was trying to remember what happened to me this +morning--something rather-miserable, I thought, but I can't get hold +of it. However it's all right now. How are _you_?" And he went mad +again. + +At Paddington I bought a label at the bookstall and wrote it for him. +He went round and round my leg looking for me. "Funny thing," he said +as he began to unwind, "he was here a moment ago. I'll just go round +once more. I rather think ... _Ow!_ Oh, there you are!" I stepped off +him, unravelled the lead and dragged him to the Parcels Office. + +"I want to send this by the two o'clock train," I said to the man the +other side of the counter. + +"Send what?" he said. + +I looked down. Chum was making himself very small and black in the +shadow of the counter. He was completely hidden from the sight of +anybody the other side of it. + +"Come out," I said, "and show yourself." + +"Not much," he said. "A parcel! I'm not going to be a jolly old parcel +for anybody." + +"It's only a way of speaking," I pleaded. "Actually you are travelling +as a small black gentleman. You will go with the guard--a delightful +man." + +Chum came out reluctantly. The clerk leant over the counter and +managed to see him. + +"According to our regulations," he said, and I always dislike people +who begin like that, "he has to be on a chain. A leather lead won't +do." + +Chum smiled all over himself. I don't know which pleased him +more--the suggestion that he was a very large and fierce dog, or the +impossibility now of his travelling with the guard, delightful man +though he might be. He gave himself a shake and started for the door. + +"Tut, tut, it's a great disappointment to me," he said, trying to +look disappointed, but his back _would_ wriggle. "This chain +business--silly of us not + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLACK MAN'S BURDEN. + +REFRAIN BY NATIVES OF SOUTH AFRICA AND KIKUYU.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Kindly Hostess_ (_to nervous reciter who has broken +down in "The Charge of the Light Brigade"_). "NEVER MIND MR. TOMPKINS, +JUST TELL US IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS."] + + * * * * * + +to have known--well, well, we shall be wiser another time. Now let's +go home." + +Poor old Chum; I _had_ known. From a large coat pocket I produced a +chain. + +"_Dash_ it," said Chum, looking up at me pathetically, "you might +almost _want_ to get rid of me." + +He was chained, and the label tied on to him. Forgive me that label, +Chum; I think that was the worst offence of all. And why should I +label one who was speaking so eloquently for himself; who said from +the tip of his little black nose to the end of his stumpy black tail, +"I'm a silly old ass, but there's nothing wrong in me, and they're +sending me away!" But according to the regulations--one must obey the +regulations, Chum. + +I gave him to the guard--a delightful man. The guard and I chained him +to a brake or something. Then the guard went away, and Chum and I had +a little talk ... + +After that the train went off. + +Good-bye, little dog. A.A.M. + + * * * * * + + "Lady Strachie wishes to thoroughly recommend her permanent + Caretaker and Husband."--_Advt. in "Morning Post."_ + +Lord STRACHIE should be a proud man to-day. + + * * * * * + +HOW GREAT MEN SHOW EMOTION. + + [Mr. HANDEL BOOTH, speaking in Hyde Park recently, declared + that, when he informed Lord ABERDEEN of the conduct of the + police during the Dublin riots, the Lord Lieutenant "buried + his head in his hands."] + +Mr. Leo Maxixe, writing in _The Irrational Review_, states that he +has it on the best authority that when the GERMAN EMPEROR read the +Criccieth New Year's interview with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE he exclaimed, +"This beats the Tango," and fell heavily on the hearthrug. + +Mr. James Larvin, addressing a meeting of the Confederates at the +Saveloy Hotel, informed his hearers that when Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL +read the article in _The Daily Mail_ on his future he stood on his +head in the corner for three minutes, to the great embarrassment of +Sir FRANCIS HOPWOOD, who was present. + +Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL, writing in _The British Weekly_, asserts +that when Mr. MASSINGHAM read "C.K.S.'s" recent reference to _The +Nation_ in _The Sphere_ he kicked the waste-paper basket round the +room and tore the hair out of his head in handfuls. + +Mr. CECIL CHESTERTON, addressing a meeting of non-party fishmongers at +Billingsgate last week, stated that he had heard that when Mr. GODFREY +ISAACS informed the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE that Mr. HANDEL BOOTH had +retired from the Dublin Police Inquiry Lord READING OF EARLEY burst +into tears and hid his face in his wig. + + * * * * * + +WHY MR. CHESTERTON SHUNS THE ISLE OF WIGHT. + +Extract from local time-table:-- + + "10.45 a.m. Motor Service between Freshwater and Newport + for light passengers only." + + * * * * * + + "Referring to the plea of Dr. Budge, the poet laureate, + for purer English, a writer in the 'Daily Chronicle' + says...."--_Glasgow Evening Citizen_. + +Purer spelling of names is what the POET LAUREATE would really like to +see. + + * * * * * + +It was very touching of _The Evening News_ to give so much space to +the distressing story of the real Duchess who could not get a seat at +Olympia--(surely they might have thrown out a common person to make +room for her?)--but it was tactless to go on: + + "'If you will bring me a couple of chairs,' said the duchess, + 'I will sit down in the gangway with the greatest pleasure.'" + +It makes one wonder which of our larger duchesses it was. + + * * * * * + +THE HOUSE OF PUNCH. + + [He "married a princess of the House of Punch."--_Excerpt + front an account of the life of a former King of Kashmir_.] + + Hail, Master, and accept the news I bring. + I come to make a solemn mystery clear, + One that affects you deeply; for I sing + Of a most ancient king + Nine hundred years ago in fair Kashmir, + Who yearned towards a bride, and--hear, oh hear, + Lord of the reboant nose and classic hunch-- + "Married a princess of the House of Punch." + + Yes, you are royal, as one might have seen. + The loftiness of your despotic sway, + Your strange aloofness and unearthly mien + (Yet regal) might have been + A full assurance of monarchic clay. + Had but the fates run kindly, at this day + Yourself should be a king of orient fame, + Chief of the princely house that bears your name. + + Methinks I see you at it. I can see + A shamiana[1] loftily upreared + Beneath a banyan (or banana) tree, + Whichever it may be, + Where, with bright turban and vermilion beard + (A not unfrequent sight, and very weird), + You sit at peace; a small boy, doubly bowed, + Acts as your footstool and, though stiff, is proud. + + Fragrant with Champak scents the warm wind sighs + Heavily, faintly, languorously fanned + By drowsy peacock-plumes--to keep the flies + From your full nose and eyes-- + Waved from behind you, where on either hand + Two silent slaves of Nubian polish stand, + Whose patent-leather visages reflect + The convex day, with mirror-like effect. + + Robed in a garment of the choicest spoil + Of Persian looms, you sit apart to deal + Grace to the suppliant and reward for toil, + T'abase the proud, and boil + The malefactor, till upon you steal + Mild qualms suggestive of the mid-day meal; + And, then, what plump, what luscious fruits are those? + What goblets of what vintage? Goodness knows. + + Gladly would I pursue this glowing dream, + To sing of deeds of chivalry and sport, + Of cushioned dalliance in the soft hareem + (A really splendid theme), + The pundits and tame poets at your court, + And all such pride, but I must keep it short. + Once let me off upon a thing so bright, + And I should hardly stop without a fight. + + But now you stand plain Mister; and, no doubt, + Would have for choice this visioned pomp untold. + Yet, Sire, I beg you, cast such musings out; + Put not yourself about + For a vain dream. If I may make so bold, + Your present lot should keep you well consoled. + You still are great, and have, when all is done, + A fine old Eastern smack, majestic One. + + The vassals of your fathers were but few + Compared with yours, who move the whole world wide; + You still can splash an oriental hue, + Red, yellow, green or blue, + Upon a fresh and various outside; + While you support--perhaps your greatest pride + High pundits for your intellectual feast, + And some tame bards, of whom I am the least. + + DUM-DUM. + +[Footnote 1: Tent] + + * * * * * + +GIVEN AWAY. + +A correspondent of _The Times_ writes:--"The _Niva_, the _Russian +Family Herald_, promises to annual subscribers, in addition to a copy +of the paper every week-- + + The complete works of Korolenko in twenty-five volumes. + The complete works of Edmond Rostand. + The complete works of Maikof. + A literary supplement every month. + A fashion book. + A book of patterns of fancy-work designs. + A tear-off calendar for 1914," + +and adds, "Where does English or American journalistic enterprise +stand beside this?" + +We understand that our more enterprising contemporaries have no +intention of allowing this question to remain unanswered, and the +wildest rumours are afloat as to the nature of the gifts which will be +offered next year to annual subscribers by various British journals. + +With a view to test the accuracy of these rumours our Special +Representative called yesterday upon the Editors of several leading +publications, and, although much secrecy is still maintained, he has +succeeded in collecting some valuable information. For instance, the +report that _The Nineteenth Century and After_ would include among +its gifts the dramatic works of the MELVILLE BROS., _HOW to Dance the +Tango_, and _Sweeter than Honey_, a novel with a strong love interest, +lacks confirmation; nor are we in a position to assert definitely that +_The Spectator_ will present a beautiful coloured supplement, entitled +"Susie's Pet Pup," and a handsome mug bearing the inscription: "A +Present from Loo," though we believe that such may be the case. + +On the other hand, _The Times'_ reply to an inquiry as to whether +they would present to each reader half a ton of supplements was that +they had done so for some years past; and _The Daily Mirror_ did not +deny that they were considering the proposal to present a framed +copy of the portrait of John Tiffinch which appeared in their issue +of February 29, 1913. (Tiffinch, our readers will remember, was +brother-in-law to the man who discovered the great emerald robbery.) + +_The British Medical Journal's_ list will include the works of GEORGE +BERNARD SHAW and the Life of Mrs. EDDY; but the report that _The +Tailor and Cutter_ would present _Wild Tribes of Central Africa_ is +emphatically denied. + +Finally, _The Boxing World_ had not thought of offering any +free-gifts, but on learning that BOSWELL had written a Life of JOHNSON +seemed inclined to reconsider their decision. + + * * * * * + + "In order to counteract a tendency to stoutness which + ex-President Taft is now overcoming, the Kaiser has lately + undergone a systematic course of outdoor 'training.'"--_Daily + Mail_. + +This is very friendly of the KAISER, but Mr. TAFT will probably do it +better by himself. + +Says an Edinburgh tram-car advertisement:-- + + THE SCOTTISH ORCHESTRA. + Conductor..........E. Mlynarski. + Solo Violinist.....Duci Kerekjarto." + +You should see these natives when they get among the haggis. Hoots! + + * * * * * + +THE KAKEKIKOKUANS; + +OR, THE HEATHEN IN HIS BLINDNESS. + +THE country of Kakekikoku, as its name suggests, lies in the vicinity +of Timbuctoo, the well-known African resort; and at the present time, +when so much interest is centred upon that little-known land, it may +be profitable to our readers, as well as to the writer, to give some +information about it. + +A famous Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society, who has travelled +widely, not only in this country but in Belgium and the Channel +Islands, has stated that Kakekikoku is richly endowed with the +bewilderments, perils and mysteries of primitive and unexplored +African territory. A warlike and exclusive folk, the Kakekikokuans +extend a red-hot welcome to the foreigner who ventures within their +borders. They are possessed of a fine physique and an intelligence +of a subtler kind than many savage races can pretend to; yet while +having all the qualities that should go to the building up of a +strong nation, certain conditions of their life bar the way to such an +achievement. In a word, the Kakekikokuans are in the clutches of the +medicine-man. Each of these despots has his own little following, and +wields a distinctive influence, it being a point of honour with him +that his teaching should differ in some way (usually in but a trivial +detail) from the teaching of any other of his kind. The solemnity of +their discussions and the heat of their dissensions about the minutiae +of their creeds would be laughable were it not so pathetic.. + +And not only do the medicine-men dispute among themselves, but their +followers engage even more vehemently in bitter strife. For instance, +there is a national belief that the juby-juby nut, which grows in the +forests in profusion, possesses some supernatural virtue that will +make a man who chews it impervious to the weapons of his enemies. +That this virtue exists is generally accepted; but when it comes to +a discussion of how, when and where to chew the nut, much wrangling +goes on; and such men as survive in battle claim that their particular +method is proved to be the correct one, while such as succumb are +cited in proof of the error of their process of absorbing the +juices of the juby-juby nut. The survivors include, of course, +representatives of various schools of thought, and a battle against +a common enemy rarely goes by without being immediately followed by +a conflict among the surviving Kakekikokuans in order to put to final +proof their respective theories about their remarkable fruit. Thus a +promising people is committing race-suicide; for this sort of thing +goes on not only in connection with this particular problem, but over +such questions as the number of beads to wear round one's neck when +visiting the medicine-man, whether the national custom of saluting +the rising sun need be observed on cloudy mornings, and whether +the medicine-man is entitled to the pick of the yams on any day but +Sunday. People of different opinions on these points decline to eat +together or to enter into social intercourse with one another; and +their children are forbidden to mingle in play. + +The good news has just come to hand, however, that a band of Church +of England missionaries, despatched by the Bishop of ZANZIBAR, has +now entered the country; and it is delightful to contemplate the +beneficent result that may be expected from their broadminded attitude +and their sane teaching on the subject of the brotherhood of man. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Observant Lady_ (_to gentleman alighting from 'bus_). +"_I_ THINK YOU'VE DROPPED A PENNY!"] + + * * * * * + + "The Berlin critics have been accusing Mr. Bernard Shaw of + having committed in his 'Pygmalion,' produced in Germany the + other day, a plagiarism from Smollett's novel, 'Peregrine + Pickle.' Mr. Shaw denies that he has ever read the novel + in question, and, in an interview in the London 'Observer,' + remarks: 'The suggestion of the German papers that I had + Pygmalion produced in Germany lest I should be detected in + my own country of plagiarism, shows an amusing ignorance of + English culture.'"--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + +It does. Why even our most cultured countryman, Mr. BERNARD SHAW, has +never read _Peregrine Pickle_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Spademan, of Woodnewton, Northants, placed a dozen eggs + under a hen some time ago, and there were hatched out thirteen + chickens, one of the eggs being double-yolked. All the young + birds are doing well. + + Burroughes and Watts' billiard tables for + accuracy."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_. + +They are, in fact, a lesson to Mr. STADEMAN's hens. + + * * * * * + +LACONICS. + +"As a matter of fact," said the doctor, "you ought not to speak at +all. But that's asking too much. So let it go at this--not a word more +than is necessary. Good-bye.", + +He left the room and I lay back pondering on his instructions. How +many words were really necessary? + +The nurse soon after entered. + +"So the doctor's gone," she said. + +Obviously it wasn't necessary to say Yes, since the room was empty +save for me and her; so I made no reply. + +She went to the window and looked out. The sky was blue and the +sunshine was brilliant. + +"It's a fine day," she said. + +No, I thought, you don't catch me there; and said nothing. But I +reflected that yesterday I might myself have made the same inane +remark as she. + +"Would you like the paper?" she asked. + +"Yes," I said, and then almost regretted it, for having waited nearly +fifty years for yesterday's news surely I could wait longer. Still, +the paper would help to pass the time. + +While she was fetching it I remembered a dream of last night which I +had intended to tell her this morning. + +But why do so? A dream is of no account even to the dreamer. Still, +the recital might have made her laugh. But why should laughter be +bothered about? + +The nurse brought the paper and I signified Thank you. + +"I'll leave you for a while now," she said; "The fire's all right. +Your drink's by the bed. You'll ring if you want anything." + +All these things I knew. My drink is always beside the bed; the bell +is the natural communication between me and the house. What a foolish +chatterbox the woman was! I nodded and she went out. + +On her return an hour or so later she asked, "Is there anything in the +paper?" + +Before answering I examined this question. What did it mean? It did +not mean, Are the pages this morning absolutely blank, for a change? +It meant, Is there a good murder? Is any very important person dead? +In reply I handed the paper to her. + +Instead of reading it she began a long account of her morning's +walk. She told me where she had been; whom she had seen; whom she +had thought she had seen and then found that it was some one else; +what somebody had said. Not a syllable mattered, I now realised; +but yesterday I should have joined in the talk, asked questions, +encouraged her in her foolishness. + +Just before lunch my brother and a guest came into the room and began +to talk about golf. My brother said that he had been round in 98. This +was his best since September, when he went round in 97. He described +his difficulties at the tenth hole. + +It all seemed very idiotic to me, for the game was over and done with. +Why rake it up? + +The guest said that he had lost two balls, one of which was expensive. +His driving had been good, but in the short game he had been weak. +He could never quite make up his mind whether he putted best with a +gun-metal putter or a wooden one. + +My brother asked me if I remembered that long drive of his two years +ago? + +I nodded. + +The nurse came in and told them to go. She then asked me if I was +hungry. + +"Very," I said. + +She brought me some beef-tea and calf's-foot-jelly, remarking that +they were easily taken and "would not hurt my throat." + +That was why they were chosen, of course. + +In the afternoon I had a visit from my Aunt Lavinia, who sat down with +the remark that she would tell me all the news. + +"You remember Esther?" she began. + +Esther is my cousin and we were brought up together. How could I have +forgotten her? + +What she told me about Esther was of no consequence. Then she told me +how she had nearly lost her luggage at Brighton--she quite thought she +had lost it, in fact--but, as it happened, it turned up. "And if I had +lost it," she said, "it would have been dreadful, for I had a number +of dear Stella's beautiful sketches in one of my trunks. Quite +irreplaceable. However, it is all right." + +Then why tell me? + +And so she rattled on. + +"You don't say anything," she said at last. + +It was true. I had said nothing. I told her what the doctor +instructed. + +"Quite right," she remarked. "I wish other people even in good health +could have the same prescription." + +Just before dinner my brother came in again. "You've had Aunt Lavinia +here," he said. + +I had. + +"Getting quite grey, I thought," he said. + +I had noticed it too. + +He was smoking, and while he was with me he emptied his pipe and +filled it again. He thought he had knocked the burning ash in the +grate, but it had fallen in the turn-up of his right trouser-leg. + +Should I tell him? I wondered. He would, of course, find it out from +the smell, but meanwhile the cloth would be burned through. + +"Your trouser's burning," I said. + +That was the only remark I volunteered all that day; and really, +except now and then on business, I don't see why one should ever +talk more. + + * * * * * + +CURLING. + +(_THE GAME AND HOW TO PLAY IT, BY A WINTER SPORT._) + +Take a piece of ice (you'll want Switzerland for this). Draw two +circles, one at each end. Draw a line a short distance from each +circle. The drawing can be done with a pin, pocket-knife, diamond, +axe, friend's razor or other edged or pointed instrument. I give no +dimensions because they are dull things and I hate guessing. Talk of +the circles at each end as "houses" and the lines as "hogs," and you +are well on the road to become a curler. + +Take two narrow pieces of tin with prickly eruptions on one side. +Place one each end of the ice-patch, prickly side down, and stamp on +the smooth side. Why these pieces of tin are called "crampits" I can't +tell you, unless it's just part of the fun. + +You now have a prepared patch that can be used for hop-scotch, +shove-halfpenny, Rugby football or curling. If you have named the +things as directed you really ought to use it for curling. + +We now come to the question of players. This is one of the most +important parts of the game. Four a side is the almost ideal number, +but a few more or less do not make any very great difference. But be +sure to get some Scotchmen. They take the game seriously and do much +to make the whole affair bright and mirthful. A slight sprinkling of +Irishmen often serves to bring out more prominently the flavour of the +Scottish humour. + +Don't play for money unless you have the majority of Scotchmen on your +side. + +The game is played with "stones," or, to use their Scotch pseudonym, +"stanes." To every man two stanes. You can either get your "stanes" +in England and travel out with them, or hire them in the locality. +They make the most pleasant travelling companions and at times are +the cause of many amusing incidents which beguile the tedium of the +journey. Also they often lead to your picking up chance acquaintances. +I have known one stone placed in a dimly lighted corridor of a +train productive of much merriment and harmless banter. Being of +considerable weight they do not readily respond to a playful kick, but +having no sharp corners they are seldom responsible for serious injury +to the kicker. + +Every stone, when new, has a handle. Be careful to preserve the handle +intact on the upper part of the stone. If this adjunct be lost or +mislaid the stone is less amenable to transit and almost useless for +its original purpose. + +You will also require a long-handled carpet-broom, which you will on +arrival re-name a "cow." Most dressing-bags constructed for foreign +travel are now fitted with these useful and picturesque articles. +The "cow" is used for two purposes. If you are lucky enough to be +appointed scorer for your side you mark the score on the handle in +such a way as to be indecipherable by everyone but yourself. This +prevents disputes with regard to the accuracy of your arithmetic. +You also use it to sweep the ice in front of a friendly stone which +appears likely to give up prematurely from exhaustion. Sweeping is +carried out under the direction of your captain, and the process is +known in the vernacular as "sooping 'er oop." You are not allowed +to retard the progress of a stone, friendly or otherwise, by +intentionally sweeping obstructions into its path. To discard a +portion of your "cow" in front of a rapidly advancing stone is +actionable. + +Over-enthusiasm in "sooping 'er 'oop" should be avoided. Ice is +proverbially slippery, and if you fall on to a friendly stone from +excess of energy or from debility, your side is "huffed" that stone. +This is a serious matter, and even if you are able to continue the +game you are looked on with disfavour by your friends. + +The object of the game is to get your stone as near as possible to the +centre of the circle at the other end of the rink. With this object +you stand on the piece of tin or "crampit" before referred to, grasp +the stone firmly by the handle and hurl it along the ice. It is almost +essential to let go the stone at the right moment, otherwise it will +hurl you. The game is almost identical with the commoner game of +"bowls," except for the language, which is worse. The term "wood" +is inappropriate and must be avoided, as the use of it may lay you +under a charge of ignorance or flippancy, which you will find almost +impossible to live down. + +I will conclude with a few hints to novices. Preserve a cool head +and steady eye. Whilst you are playing your shot your captain will be +dancing about in the circle at the other end of the ice. You will find +it best to disregard his maniacal shoutings and gesticulations. You +will probably not understand half of them and will not agree with the +other half. If he should break a blood-vessel do not take any notice +unless some part of his fallen body is likely to obstruct your stone. +In this case you are entitled to have him moved. + +If, after you have played, cries of "hog" or "wobbler" arise, remember +that you are engaged in a sport and not in politics and that there +is nothing really offensive in the terms. Finally, never scoff at the +language used, and above all remember that what is one man's game may +be another's religion. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIFE'S LITTLE TRAGEDIES. + +SHY AND NERVOUS HUSBAND, ABANDONED IN COSTUME DEPARTMENT BY HIS +WIFE WHO HAS GONE TO THE FITTING-ROOM TO HAVE HER DRESS FITTED, AND +SURROUNDED BY TALL AND BEAUTEOUS YOUNG LADIES WHOSE ONLY BUSINESS +SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A WORM.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EH, BUT I HAD A RARE TIME LAST YEAR-R. A WAS AT MA +COUSIN MACWHUSKIE'S A WHOLE FORTNIGHT, AN' A DIDNA ONCE KEN A WAS +THEER!"] + + * * * * * + +REVENGE. + +(_OR, A HINT TO A HOUSE-AGENT AFTER COMING AWAY FROM HIS OFFICE._) + + Your voice was pleasing and your face was fat; + With soap _ad libitum_ you sought to dabble us; + But when I told you we must leave the flat + Did I not notice; underneath the spat, + The bifurcated boot that marks _Diabolus_? + + I know that in a brief while you'll have found + The house I wanted (_sic_), superbly roomy, + With a fine view and every comfort crowned, + A short three minutes from the Underground; + Also I know that you are safe to "do" me. + + There will be something wrong; but you shall fill + My ears with praises specious and irrelevant + Of this and that; and you shall have your will, + And heave a deep sigh when I've paid my bill, + Having got off at last some rare white elephant. + + And when things happen to "The Yews" or "Planes" + Left by the Joneses like a haunt of lazars; + When the roof falls, or in the winter rains + The dining-room breaks out in sudden blains, + And every feast we have recalls BELSHAZZAR's; + + You shall be smiling. But you have not guessed + One thing, for all your wisdom, child of Lucifer: + You did not know I was a bard, whose breast + Could boil with bitter language when oppressed + Like a bargee's; if anything, abusiver. + + This is the high reward of sacred song; + The minstrels' voices are like falling honey + When the gods please them, but when things go wrong + They speak their mind out straight, and speak it strong, + Especially on points concerned with money. + + So, if you "do me down," I have my lyre, + And I shall trumpet (at the normal Press wage) + Such things about that house, and with such fire, + That all men ever after shall conspire + To shun the said demesne and curse that messuage. + + And spiders on the broken panes shall sit, + And the grey rats shall scuttle in the basement, + Until the Borough Council purchase it + And cleanse and decorate, and lastly fit + A fair blue _plaque_ above the study casement, + + Saying, "Here lived a while and wove his spell, + Eusebius Binks the bard, the unforgotten; + The house is mentioned in his 'Lines to Hell,' + Also the agents, Messrs. Azazel, + And the then drains which, so he sang, were rotten." + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +_The Daily Telegraph_ says of the Portsmouth Corporation telephone +system:-- + + "At present there are 1,899 subscribers and 2,528 distinct + telephones." + +Why doesn't the Post Office experiment with this new sort of +telephone. + + * * * * * + + "Yet it is necessary to state emphatically, although no representative + of a daily newspaper seems to have been under this impression, that not + for twenty years have I been so bored." + + _C.K.S. in "The Sphere," on the 'Edwin Drood' trial_. + +But how are the poor reporters to know so much about C.K.S. as that? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COULEUR D'ORANGE. + +MR. ASQUITH (_on the Riviera_). "LUCKY FOR ME THERE AREN'T ANY +'CONVERSATIONS' HERE--I MIGHT AGREE TO ALMOST ANYTHING."] + + * * * * * + +THE POST OFFICE AGAIN. + +DEAR UNCLE,--Its your birthday to-day. I sent you some nice pairs of +hankerchifs because its your birthday. They for your nose. Its funny +our birthdays being so close. And now no more from your loving neice + +NANCY. + +MY DEAR NANCY,--Thank you very much indeed for the nice +pocket-handkerchiefs. I am very pleased with them. Nobody has ever +troubled to give me handkerchiefs before with pretty flowers worked in +the corners. I have been wearing them to-day, or rather one of them. +They are so nice that I really meant to have kept them specially for +parties and things like that, but, as I was obliged to leave home in +a great hurry this morning, and someone had hidden my everyday +handkerchiefs, I took one of yours. + +Such a funny thing has happened. I sent you for your birthday a pretty +card with birds on it, and somehow or other it got taken in quite a +different direction, and was returned to me this morning by--whom do +you think? Auntie Maud, all the way away in Ireland. But we mustn't +blame the Postmaster-General without being absolutely sure of +ourselves. It is very difficult in mysterious cases like this to be +absolutely sure. Didn't you get my parcel? I sent it off at the same +time as I sent the card, and I haven't had the parcel back. I wonder +where it is. It looks as though things were going on that you and I +know nothing about. I shall be very angry with him if he has forgotten +to give you your parcel. + +Hoping you are quite well, thank you, Your loving + +UNCLE HENRY. + +DEAR UNCLE,--Thank you for your pretty card for my birthday. I didn't +got your parsel. Its very naughty of him when its my birthday. I hop +youll be very very angry with him because its my birthday and I didnt +get your parsel. And now no more from your loving neice + +NANCY. + +_The Postmaster-General_. + +SIR,--On Tuesday last I despatched by book-post a parcel from the +South-Western District Office. It is now Friday, and the parcel +has not been delivered. I should esteem it a favour if you would +kindly give the Official Handicapper for the District in question +instructions to allow my parcel to start forthwith. Yours faithfully, + +HY. FRESHFIELD. + +_The Postmaster-General_. + +SIR,--In reply to your enquiry as to the nature of the parcel, I beg +to inform you that it was oblong in shape and done up in brown paper +and tied securely with string. To assist you still further in the +task of identification, I may mention that it is addressed to Miss +Nancy Freshfield, c/o F.E.L. Freshfield, Esq., 47, Ottalie Gardens, +Westminster, S.W. + +Trusting that nothing serious has occurred to disqualify my parcel, +Yours faithfully, HY. FRESHFIELD. + +DEAR UNCLE,--I thought it was such a long time my parsel didnt come I +would write to you dear Uncle. I hop you were very angry with him. And +now no more + +from your loving neice NANCY. + +DEAR SIR,--I am directed by the Postmaster-General to inform you that +your parcel has now been traced. + +The name of the addressee was correctly stated by you, but you omitted +to append such further instructions for the guidance of the Post +Office as to indicate the destination to which you desired it to go. +I have the pleasure to add that the fuller information has been copied +in from your letter, and the parcel despatched.... + +DEAR NANCY,--By the same post that brought me your letter I heard from +our absent-minded friend, the Postmaster-General. You will be pained +to learn that he is even more absent-minded than we thought he was. +Although, when I handed him your parcel, I distinctly told him it +was going to Westminster, the moment my back is turned he must needs +forget all about it. + +I feel really rather sorry for him, and I don't think we ought to be +angry any more. He can't possibly forget now, because I have written +the address down for him. Your loving + +UNCLE HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT TO DO WITH OUR FAT MEN; OR, EVERY LITTLE HELPS.] + + * * * * * + +A CABINET CRISIS. + +It had to be faced at last. There is a demand for them occasionally, +and people won't put up with that excellent one taken under the +crab-apple tree any longer. + +I was caught just right there. The sun was in an indulgent mood and +winked at the signs of advancing age. The bald patch was out of sight, +and the smile would have softened the heart of an income-tax assessor. +I acquired the negative from the amateur performer, and had it +vignetted, which made it better still, as there was a space between +the cashmere sock and the spring trousering in the original that I did +not want attention drawn to. I had a large number of prints made, and +dealt them out to anybody who asked for a photograph of me. At first +they aroused considerable enthusiasm, but after five or six years a +look of doubt began to appear on the faces of the recipients. Hadn't I +got a later one? This was very nice, but--I pointed out that I hadn't +changed at all, or only a very little. At my best I was still like +that; and didn't they want me at my best? + +At last a person described by himself as plain-spoken, and by other +people as offensively rude, said that I had never really been as +good-looking as that, with all possible allowances made, and any way +he wanted a photograph and not a memorial card. I took a firm stand, +and said that if he wasn't satisfied with that one he could go without +altogether, and he said in the most insulting way that he supposed he +should be himself again in time if he took a tonic. + +A few more episodes of that sort eventually drove me to it. I passed +my _viva-voce_ examination at the hands of the young lady at the desk, +paid my fees, got my testamur, and was shown into the torture-chamber, +where the head executioner was busy adjusting his racks and screws. + +I was rather taken with the rustic seat that was standing on a white +fur mat in front of a scene representing the Jungfrau, but he headed +me off it. If I liked the Jungfrau as a background I could have +it, but not with the seat; that was for engaged couples only. He +recommended a pair of skis, or a bobsleigh; he could put a fine fall +of snow into the negative. But as I had arrayed myself in a black +coat, with one of those white waistcoat slips, and a flowing tie with +a pearl pin, I refused this offer, and we decided we wouldn't have a +background at all. + +As the man who administered the laughing gas was out at lunch, I +prepared to go through with it in cold blood, and seated myself in the +operating chair in the most natural attitude I could assume--something +like the one I had taken under the crab-tree. I thought I would show +them that there wasn't so much difference after all. But it did not +suit the head mechanic at all. He looked at me with his head on one +side, and then took hold of mine by the chin and the hair and gave it +a twist. I had never worn it at that angle in my life, and I knew it +would put my collar all wrong; but I had to do what he told me. He +arranged my coat so that it should look as if it had been made to +fit somebody else, and disposed my arms in such a way as to give the +sleeves the appearance of trouser legs with rucks in them. I felt +almost more sorry for my tailor than for myself, but I shall send him +one of the prints when I get them; it will be good for him. + +We were now ready to tackle the expression. I had chosen one that +would have been suitable for a man with a fair No Trump hand, but +with one suit not fully guarded, as I didn't want to overdo it; but, +judging from the inquisitor's remarks about the graveside, I am quite +ready to admit that it might not have come out like that. I hastily +dealt myself a hundred aces and a long suit of clubs, and he said +that that was better, but I must put off the idea of the funeral +altogether. It was not until I had assumed the appearance of a +reach-me-down Nut with a dislocated neck, being made love to by +six chorus-girls at once, that he condescended to take a look at +me through the peephole. Then he ran up to me, gave my chin another +hitch, pulled my neck another foot or two out of my collar, added a +ruck or two to my sleeves, and said he liked the other side of my face +better, after all. + +So we went through it all again, and I worked at it with a will, for I +wanted to see him get under his black cloth and finish the business. + +It wasn't as bad as I had thought, but he was not done by any means +when he had fired his first shot. He rammed more cartridges into the +breach, and twisted me into three fresh contortions. He said he was +sure that some of the efforts would turn out magnificently. + +I don't feel quite the same confidence myself. I am anxiously +awaiting the result, and trying to get rid of the crick in my neck +and to unbuckle the smile in the meantime. If it doesn't turn out +satisfactorily, I shall get a few lines--not too deep--put into the +negative of the one taken under the crab-tree, and a little hair +painted out--but not too much. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WORK! I'M NOT AFRAID O' WORK, BUT I CAN'T GET ANY IN +MY LINE." + +"WHAT IS YOUR LINE?" + +"I USED TO BE A STOCKBROKER, LIDY."] + + * * * * * + + "Lemnos and Samothrace are to pass to Greece, and Chios and + Wtlylene are to be neutralised."--_Daily Citizen_. + +We shall remain anxious until the last-named is sterilized. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAGEDY OF MIDDLE AGE. + + When I was a mid-Victorian nut + With a delicate taste in ties, + A highly elegant figure I cut, + At least in my own fond eyes, + And used to regard unwaxed moustaches + As one of the worst of social laches. + + But now I find in my youngest son + The sternest of autocrats. + He tells me the things that must be done + And orders my collars and spats; + Prescribes mild exercise on the links + And advises me on the choice of drinks. + + I've faithfully striven to imitate + My Mentor in dress and diction, + And loyally laboured to cultivate + A taste for the latest fiction; + Though I still read DICKENS upon the sly, + And even SCOTT, when nobody's by. + + It's true I've managed to draw the line + At going to tango teas, + For, after all, I am fifty-nine + And a trifle stiff in the knees; + But I've had to give up billiards for "slosh," + And pay laborious homage to "squash." + + Long since my whiskers I had to shave + To please this young barbarian, + But still for a while I stealthily clave + To the use of Pommade Hungarian; + But now my tyrant has made me snip + The glory and pride of my upper lip. + + "My dear old man," he recently said, + "If you go on waxing the ends, + You're bound to be cut, direct and dead, + By all of my nuttiest friends. + For it's only done, so _The Mail_ discovers, + By Labour leaders and taxi-shovers." + + So the deed was done, but whenever I gaze + On my face in the glass I moan + As I think of the mid-Victorian days + When my upper lip was my own. + For now, of length and of breadth bereft, + The ghost of a tooth-brush is all that's left. + + * * * * * + + "MISSING NAVY PAYMASTER ARRESTED." + + _"Evening Standard" Poster._ + +So that's where it was all the time! + + * * * * * + + "The Under-sheriff said ... rumours against a man's + character were like a rolling stone, gathering moss as it + went."--_Western Mail_. + +"As fond of the fire as a burnt child," is another of the Under +Sheriff's favourite sayings. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Indulgent Householder_. "WHY ARE YOU SINGING CAROLS, +MY LITTLE MAN? DON'T YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER?" + +_Youthful Caroller_. "YES, SIR; BUT I 'AD MEASLES ALL FROO +CHRISTMAS."] + + * * * * * + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +GLAMOUR. + +Once upon a time there was a peer who knew the frailty of unennobled +man. + +Having occasion to entertain at dinner a number of useful follows, he +instructed his butler to transfer the labels from a number of empty +bottles of champagne to an equal number of magnums of dry ginger-ale, +at ten shillings the dozen, and these were placed on the table. + +At the beginning of the repast his lordship casually drew attention +to the wine which he was giving his guests, and asked for their candid +opinion of it, as he was aware that they were all good judges, who +knew a good thing when they saw it, and he would value their opinion. + +And they one and all said it was an excellent champagne, and two or +three made a note of it in their pocket-books. And such was their +loyal enthusiasm that the banquet ended in a fine glow of something +exactly like hilarity. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MARY-GIRL." + +"I'm not going to give up my daily bath!" In these pregnant and moving +words rang the _cri de coeur_ which was to precipitate the tragedy of +_Mary Sheppard_. To you the attitude of mind which provoked this cry +may seem as natural as it was sanitary. But you must understand that +it ran directly counter to _Ezra Sheppard's_ ideal of the simple +God-fearing life. Godliness with him came first, and cleanliness +followed where it could. In his view a tub once a week was all that +any sane person should need. Apart from this hebdomadal use its proper +function was to hold dirty dishes and soiled clothes for the washing. +And indeed this had at one time been _Mary's_ own view (though +tempered by vague aspirations towards a softer existence, as we might +have guessed from the elegance of her brown shoes) before a year of +the higher life had shaken her content. Let us go back. + +[Illustration: Mr. MCKINNEL (_Ezra Sheppard_) to Miss MAY BLAYNEY +(_Mary Sheppard_). "You've been lying again! You know how I hate it--I +told you so in this very theatre when we were playing in _Between +Sunset and Dawn_."] + +_Ezra Sheppard_ was by profession a market-gardener, and his favourite +recreation was preaching in a barn. We have the picture of a frugal +but happy interior, with a new-born infant (_off_). The trouble began +with an offer made to his wife of a situation as foster-mother to +the baby (also _off_) of a neighbouring Countess. The wages were to +be high and she was to be delicately entreated; but there were hard +conditions. She was not to hold communication with her husband or +child for twelve months. I am sorry to say that _Mary_ did not flinch +from these conditions quite so much as I could have hoped. _Ezra_, +however, rejected them for her with manly scorn, until he was reminded +that the high wages would speed the end of his own ambitions--namely, +to replace his barn with a conventicle of brick. So he let his wife +loose into Eden with the Serpent. + +And now we see _Mary_ seated in the lap of luxury, with soft gowns to +wear, and peaches to eat and instant slaves at her beck. You will, of +course, expect her virtue to fall an easy prey; but you will be wrong. +The Earl's attitude is pleasantly parental, and the attentions of +the Countess's cavalier--an author--are confined to the extraction +of copy. And anyhow _Mary's_ instincts are sound. Now and again she +remembers to pity the loneliness of her husband, whose cottage light +she can see from the window of her bower; and once, by a ruse, she +gets him to break the conditions and visit her; but when he learns +that the invitation came from her, and not, as alleged, from the +Countess, his conscience will not permit him to take advantage of his +chance. So you have the unusual spectacle of a true and loving wife +pleading in vain for the embraces of her true and loving husband. + +But if her virtue, in the technical sense, remained intact, the +Serpent had overfed her with _pommes de luxe_. On her return +home--where the restoration of her child might have helped matters, +but it doesn't know who she is and refuses to part from its +foster-mother--we find her lethargic, off her feed, indifferent to the +claims of menial toil, and clamorous (as I have shown) for her rights +of the daily bath. + +In the first joy of conjugal reunion _Ezra_ consents to tolerate the +discomfort of this change, but in the end he loses patience and hits +her. She leaves for London the same afternoon. + +Six black months pass over the husband's bowed head, and then, on a +very windy night (the wind was well done), she makes a re-entry, and +confesses that, under stress of need, she has lapsed from virtue. This +is bad news for _Ezra_, but he is prepared to forgive a fault in which +he himself has had a fair share. Only there must be a sacrifice of +something, if moral justice is to be appeased. So he chooses between +his wife and his chapel and does execution on the latter. He goes +out into the storm and sets the thing alight. His conscience is thus +purified by fire, the gale being favourable to arson. + +It is a pity that so excellent an object as a brick chapel should be +the evil genius of the play. Yet so it is. Built of the materials of +Scandinavian drama, it is always just round the corner, heavy with +doom. We never see it, but we hear more than enough about it, and in +the end it becomes a bore which we are well rid of. + +The theme of the perils of foster-motherhood is not new, but Mrs. +MERRICK has treated it freshly and with a very decent avoidance of its +strictly sexual aspects. But her methods are too sedentary. She kept +on with her atmosphere long after we knew the details of the cottage +interior by heart; while a whole volume of active tragedy--_Mary's_ +six months in London--was left to our fevered imagination. And the +sense of reality which she was at such pains to create was spoiled by +dialogue freely carried on in the immediate vicinity of persons who +were not supposed to overhear it. + +The chief attraction of _Mary-Girl_ (a silly title) was the engaging +personality of Miss MAY BLAYNEY. Always a fascinating figure to watch, +she showed an extraordinary sensitiveness of voice and expression. +As for that honest and admirable actor, Mr. MCKINNEL, who made the +perfect foil to her charms that every good husband should wish to +be, he seems never to tire of playing these stern, dour, semi-brutal +parts. That more genial characters are open to him his success in +_Great Catherine_ showed. Miss MARY BROUGH, as a charwoman, supplied a +rare need with her richly-flavoured humour and its clipped sentences. +All the rest did themselves justice. Miss HELEN FERRERS was a shade +more aristocratic than the aristocrat of stage tradition; and it +was not the fault of Miss DOROTHY FANE (as her daughter, _Lady +Folkington_) that she was required to behave incredibly in the +presence of her inferiors. I have not much to say for the manners +of Society in its own circles; but it is probably at its best in its +intercourse with humbler neighbours. Mrs. MERRICK's picture of the +_Countess_ on a visit to the _Sheppards'_ cottage might have been +designed for a poster of the Land Campaign. + +There was no dissenting note, I am glad to say, in the reception of +Mrs. MERRICK's charming self when she appeared after the fall of the +curtain. + +"A pretty authoress!" said an actress in the stalls. + +"Is that your comment on the play?" I asked. + +"Yes!" she said. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "Her Majesty was accompanied by Princess Henry and + John."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +Where was Lord SAYE AND SELE? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "COME, COME, SIR! THAT'S THE HORSE WE KEEP FOR QUITE +YOUNG CHILDREN! HE WANTS TO _PLAY_ WITH YOU, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST STRAW. + + I sing the sofa! It had stood for years, + An invitation to benign repose, + A foe to all the fretful brood of fears, + Bidding the weary eye-lid sink and close. + Massive and deep and broad it was and bland-- + In short the noblest sofa in the land. + + You, too, my friend, my solid friend, I sing, + Whom on an afternoon I did behold + Eying--'twas after lunch--the cushioned thing, + And murmuring gently, "Here are realms of gold, + And I shall visit them," you said, "and be + The sofa's burden till it's time for tea." + + "Let those who will go forth," you said, "and dare, + Beyond the cluster of the little shops, + To strain their limbs and take the eager air, + Seeking the heights of Hedsor and its copse. + I shall abide and watch the far-off gleams + Of fairy beacons from the world of dreams." + + Then forth we fared, and you, no doubt, lay down, + An easy victim to the sofa's charms, + Forgetting hopes of fame and past renown, + Lapped in those padded and alluring arms. + "How well," you said, and veiled your heavy eyes, + "It slopes to suit me! This is Paradise." + + So we adventured to the topmost hill, + And, when the sunset shot the sky with red, + Homeward returned and found you taking still + Deep draughts of peace with pillows 'neath your head. + "His sleep," said one, "has been unduly long." + Another said, "Let's bring and beat the gong." + + "Gongs," said a third and gazed with looks intent + At the full sofa, "are not adequate. + There fits some dread, some heavy, punishment + For one who sleeps with such a dreadful weight. + Behold with me," he moaned, "a scene accurst. + The springs are broken and the sofa's burst!" + + Too true! Too true! Beneath you on the floor + Lay blent in ruin all the obscure things + That were the sofa's strength, a scattered store + Of tacks and battens and protruded springs. + Through the rent ticking they had all been spilt, + Mute proofs and mournful of your weight and guilt. + + And you? You slept as sweetly as a child, + And when you woke you recked not of your shame, + But babbled greetings, stretched yourself and smiled + From that eviscerated sofa's frame, + Which, flawless erst, was now one mighty flaw + Through the addition of yourself as straw. + + R.C.L. + + * * * * * + + "A really acceptable present for a lady is a nice piece + of artificial hair, as, when not absolutely necessary, it + is always useful and ornamental."--_Advt. in "Aberdeen + Free Press."_ + +Still, it might be misunderstood. + + * * * * * + + "Theologians and mystics might say, 'Is that not mere + anthropomrhpism?'"--_Mr. BALFOUR according to "The Daily + Mail."_ + +But a Welshman would say it best. + + * * * * * + + "An aggressive minority succeeded in showing that the + Little Navy-ites do not represent the bulk of public + opinion."--_Daily Express_. + +It is, of course, always the aggressive minority which really +represents the bulk of public opinion. + + * * * * * + +A BYGONE. + +When I see the white-haired and venerable Thompson standing behind my +equally white-haired but much less venerable father at dinner, exuding +an atmosphere of worth and uprightness and checking by his mere silent +presence the more flippant tendencies of our conversation; when I hear +him whisper into my youthful son's ear, "Sherry, Sir?" in the voice of +a tolerant teetotaler who would not force his principles upon any man +but hopes sincerely that this one will say No; and when I am informed +that he promised our bootboy a rapid and inevitable descent to a state +of infamy and destitution upon discovering no more than the fag end of +a cigarette behind his ear, then I am tempted to recall an incident of +fifteen years back, lest it be forgotten that Thompson is a man like +ourselves who has known, and even owned, a human weakness. + +Dinner had begun on that eventful evening at 7.30 P.M., and it was +drawing within sight of a conclusion, that is, the sweet had been +eaten and the savoury was overdue, at 9.45 P.M. Four of us had trailed +thus far through this critical meal: my father, a usually patient +widower who was becoming more than restless; the Robinsons, never a +jocund brace of guests, who were by now positively sullen, and myself +who, being but a boy--of twenty odd years and having little enough to +say to a woman of fifty-five and her still more antique husband, had +long ago settled down to a determined silence. Meanwhile Thompson, +then in his first year of service with us, tarried mysteriously heaven +knows where. + +The intervals of preparation before each course had been growing +longer and longer and the pause before the savoury threatened to be +infinite. My father commanded me to ring the bell severely. Longing to +escape from the table I did so with emphasis, and my ring summoned (to +our surprise, for we were not aware of her existence in the house) a +slightly soiled kitchen-maid. + +"Where is Thompson?" asked my father sternly. + +"At the telephone, Sir," stammered the maid. + +"The telephone!" cried my father. "Whatever is the matter?" + +The maid started to mumble an explanation, burst into tears and fled +in alarm, never again to emerge from the back regions. My father +commanded me to the bell again, but as I rose Thompson entered. He was +even then a stately and dignified person, and it was with a measured +tread and slow that he advanced upon my father. + +"Will you please serve the savoury at once?" said my father. + +"I am afraid it cannot be done, Sir," said Thompson. "May I explain, +Sir?" + +"What is the meaning of this?" asked my father, fearing some terrible +disaster below stairs, and sacrificing politeness to his guests with +the hope of saving lives in the kitchen. + +Thompson cleared his throat.--"For some weeks, Sir," he said, "I have +been much worried with financial affairs. Like a fool I have invested +all my savings in speculative shares, and the variations of the market +have unduly depressed me. When I am depressed I take no food, and that +depresses me even more." + +You will be as surprised as we were that this was allowed to continue, +but when a man of so few words as Thompson chooses to come out of +his shell he is always master of the situation. "And so, Sir," he +continued, "I have taken the liberty of telephoning to the mews for +a cab." + +He paused and bowed, as if this made it all clear, and was about +to withdraw. "Kindly finish serving dinner at once, and don't be +impudent," my father got out at last. + +Thompson sighed. "It is absolutely out of the question, Sir," said he. +"Quite, quite impossible." + +"Why on earth?" cried my father. + +Thompson became, if possible, more solemn and deliberate than before. +"I am drunk, Sir," said he. + +At this point Mrs. Robinson, whose indignation had slowly been +swelling within her, rose and left the room. Robinson, as in duty +bound, followed. Neither of them, to my infinite joy, has ever +returned... + +"Depressed by want of food, Sir," continued Thompson, by sheer duress +preventing my father from following his guests and attempting to +pacify them, "I have taken to spirits. I do not like the taste of +spirits and they go at once to my head. They depress me further, Sir, +but they intoxicate me. Yes, I am undoubtedly tipsy." + +My father seized the opportunity of his pause for reflection to order +him to leave the room and present himself in the morning when he was +sober. + +"You dismiss us without notice, Sir," he stated, referring to himself +and his wife in the kitchen. "First thing in the morning we go. And so +I have ordered the cab to take us." + +This was a very proper fate for Thompson but came a little hard on my +father. "But what am _I_ to do?" asked he. + +Thompson regarded him with a desultory smile. "The Mews desires to +know, Sir," said he, "who will pay for the cab?" + +I ought to be able to state that there followed with the cold light +of day an apology, with passionate tears and remorse, from Thompson, +or at least a severe reprimand from my father before he consented to +keep him on. I regret to say that my father, next morning, postponed +the interview till the evening, and from the evening till the next +morning, and--that interview is still pending. If this seems weak, you +have only to see Thompson to realize that no man with any sense of the +incongruous could even mention the word "Drink" in his presence. + +As for the cab which Thompson had ordered, though we never saw it we +later heard all about it. It went to the wrong house because, as the +proprietor of the mews informed us with shame and regret, the driver +entrusted with the order had been very much under the influence of +alcohol. Altogether it is a sordid tale, made no better by the fact +that the house which the drunken driver chose to go to and insult was +the Robinsons'... + + * * * * * + +LOVE AT THE CINEMA. + + Inert I watched the Hero sacked + For lapses clearly not his own; + The midnight murder on the cliff, + The wonted ante-nuptial tiff, + The orange-blossoms, bored me stiff. + The picture-hall was simply packed, + But I was all alone. + + Alone! Two little hours could span + The gloom that bound me stark and grim + (No melancholy pierced me through + Before the 7.32 + Had ravished Barbara from view), + And yet I brooked it like a man + Until I noticed HIM. + + He sat extravagantly near + His Heart's Delight. To my distress, + When temporary twilight fell, + He squeezed her hand (and squeezed it well!), + Possessed her waist, and in that shell, + That damask shell she calls an ear, + Breathed words of tenderness. + + The blood ran riot to my head + And still I held my madness thrall, + My lips repressed the frenzied shriek, + My straining heart was stout as teak; + But, when he kissed her mantling cheek, + I broke--and two attendants led + Me wailing from the hall. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LOST CHRISTMAS PRESENT. + +_Maid_ (_to postman delivering long-delayed parcel_). "WHAT IS IT?" + +_Postman_. "LABEL SAYS, 'WILD DUCKS,' BUT THEY'RE 'UMMING-BIRDS NOW".] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +There is at least one thing that will surprise you about _It Happened +in Egypt_ (METHUEN), and that is that, although C.N. and A.M. +WILLIAMSON are the writers, motor-cars are hardly so much as mentioned +throughout. It is a tale of the Nile and the Desert, of camels and +caravans, told with a quite extraordinary power of making you feel +that you have visited the scenes described. But this, of course, +if you have any previous experience of the WILLIAMSON method, will +not surprise you at all. As for the story that strings the scenes +together, though it promised well, with almost every possible element +of fictional excitement--buried treasure, and spies, and abductions, +and secrets--somehow the result was not wholly up to the expectation +thus created. To borrow an appropriate simile, the great thrill +remained something of a mirage, always in sight and never actually +reached. Also I wish to record my passionate protest against stories +of treasure-trove in which the treasure is not taken away in sacks and +used to enrich the hunters; I am all against leaving it underground, +for whatever charming and romantic reasons. No, it is not so much as +a novel of adventure that might have happened pretty well anywhere +that I advise you to read this book, but as a super-guide to scenes +and sensations that happen in Egypt and nowhere else. From the moment +when, as one of the WILLIAMSON party, you sit down to breakfast on the +terrace of Shepherd's, till you take leave of your fellow-travellers +in the mountain-tomb of QUEEN CANDACE, you will enjoy the nearest +possible approach to a luxurious Egyptian tour, under delightful +guidance, and at an inclusive fare of six shillings. + + * * * * * + +Mr. SETON GORDON is a bold man. It is one thing to call a book +_The Charm of the Hills_ (CASSELL) and quite another to succeed in +conveying that charm through the medium of the printed word. Perhaps, +however, he was encouraged by the success that has already attended +these pen-pictures of Highland scenes in serial form; certainly he +knew also that he had another source of strength in a collection of +the most fascinating photographs of mountain scenery and wild life, +nearly a hundred of which are reproduced in the present volume. So +that what Mr. GORDON the writer fails to convey about his favourite +haunts (which is not much) Mr. GORDON the photographer is ready +to supply. The papers, which range in subject from ptarmigan to +cairngorms, are written with an engaging simplicity and directness, +and show a sympathetic knowledge of wild nature such as is the +reward only of long familiarity. The glorious mountain wind +blows through them all, so that as you read you feel the heather +brushing your knees, and see the clouds massing on the peaks of +Ben-something-or-other. Perhaps Mr. GORDON is at his most interesting +on the subject of the Golden Eagle. There are many striking snapshots +of the king of birds in his royal home; and some stories of court +life in an eyrie that are fresh and enthralling. One thing that I was +specially glad to learn on so good authority is that the Golden Eagle, +so far from being threatened with extinction, is actually increasing +in the deer forests of the North. This is intelligence as welcome as +it is nowadays unusual. The book, which is published at 10s. 6d. net, +is dedicated "to one who loves the glens and corries of the hills"; +and all who answer to this description should be grateful to the +writer for his delightful record. + + * * * * * + +Goodness knows that of all London's teeming millions I am the +possessor of the most easily curdled blood, but my flesh declined +to creep an inch from the first page to the last of _Animal Ghosts_ +(RIDER). I think it was Mr. ELLIOTT O'DONNELL's way of telling +his stories that was responsible for my indifference. He is so +incorrigibly reticent. His idea of a well-told ghost story runs on +these lines:--"In the year 189--, in the picturesque village of +C----, hard by the manufacturing town of L----, there lived a wealthy +gentleman named T---- with his cousin F---- and two friends M---- +and R----." I simply refuse to take any interest in the spectres of +initials, still less in the spectres of the domestic pets of initials. +I am no bigot; by all means deny your ghost his prerogative of +clanking chains and rattling bones; but there are certain points on +which I do take a firm stand, and this matter of initials is one of +them. Not one of these stories is convincing. Mr. O'DONNELL taps +you on the chest and whispers hoarsely, "As I stood there my blood +congealed, I could scarcely breathe. My scalp bristled;" and you, +if you are like me, hide a yawn and say, "No, really?" There is a +breezy carelessness, too, about his methods which kills a story. He +distinctly states, for instance, that the story of the "Headless Cat +of No. ----, Lower Seedley Street, Manchester," was told to him by a +Mr. ROBERT DANE. In the first half of the narrative this gentleman's +brother-in-law addresses him as _Jack_, and later on his wife says to +him, "Oh, _Edward_." What a man whose own Christian name is so much a +matter of opinion has to say about seeing headless cats does not seem +to me to be evidence. + + * * * * * + +There seems to be an increasing public for the volume of reflections. +At all events Mr. REGINALD LUCAS, who has already two or three +successes in this kind to his credit, has been encouraged to produce +another, to which he has given the pleasant title of _The Measure of +our Thoughts_ (HUMPHREYS). It is, of course, difficult to be critical +with a book like this; either it pleases the reader or it doesn't, and +that is about all that can be said. One reason for my belief that Mr. +LUCAS's _Thoughts_ will please is that he has put them into the brain +of a definitely conceived and very well drawn character. They are told +in the form of letters by this character to his old tutor. The writer +is supposed to be the rather unattractive and self-conscious eldest +son of a noble house, who suffers from the presence of a father and +sister who think him a fool, and a brother whose charm is a continual +and painful contrast to his own lack of it. The special skill of the +letters is their self-revelation, which brings out the pathos of the +writer's position, while at the same time showing quite clearly the +defects that explained it. Mr. LUCAS, in short, does not commit the +error of making his hero merely a mute, misunderstood paragon, whom +anyone with common penetration must have recognised as such. On the +contrary, we sympathise with him, especially in the big tragedy of +his life, while quite admitting that to any casual acquaintance he +must have appeared only a dull and uninteresting egoist. This I call +clever, because it shows that Mr. LUCAS has created a real thinker, +rather than striven to give him any unusual profundity of thought. An +agreeable book. + + * * * * * + +In the sixteenth chapter of the First Part of _The Rocks of Valpre_ +(FISHER UNWIN) _Trevor Mordaunt_ married _Christine Wyndham_, and on +the last page (which is the 511th) of the book, "she opened to him the +doors of her soul, and drew him within...." Granted that _Mordaunt_, +with the eyes of steel, was not exactly an oncoming man and that when +he married _Christine_ he received, as wedding presents, two or three +brothers-in-law who sponged hopelessly upon him, I still think that +Miss ETHEL DELL has given us too detailed an account of the domestic +differences between _Mordaunt_ and his wife. For my own part I became +frankly tired of the pecuniary crises of the _Wyndhams_ and of their +incurable inability to tell the truth. Had _Mordaunt_ got up and given +these feckless brethren a sound hiding I should have been relieved, +but he preferred to make them squirm by using his steely eyes. In +the future I suggest to Miss DELL that she should leave these strong +silent men alone. They have had their day and gone out of vogue. The +best part of this book, and indeed the best work Miss DELL has yet +done, is her treatment of the romantic friendship between _Christine_ +and _Bertrand de Montville_. It is handled so touchingly and so +surely that I resent with all the more peevishness the banality of the +steel-eyed one. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE OF THE FEW HISTORIC MANSIONS OF ENGLAND WHERE QUEEN +ELIZABETH DID _NOT_ SLEEP.] + + * * * * * + + "His lordship dismissed the application, with costs, and the + jury found in his favour, assessing the damages at L1,000." + +We should like to be a Judge. It seems to be easy and well-paid work. + + * * * * * + +From the synopsis of a Singapore play--just the last scene or two:-- + + "Samion, after going through Nyai Dasima's fortune, + maltreated her, and told her to leave his protection. He also + commissioned a wicked man called Puasa to murder Nyai Dasima. + Puasa murdered Dasima, and throw her body into a river. The + corpse of Dasima floated and entangled in the bathing-place + of William. William, seeing this, at once reported to the + Police of Dasima's death. Puasa and others were arrested and + imprisoned. The Judge investigated the case, and Puasa was + sentenced to be hanged. Samion got mad and died. Mah Buyong + also got mad." + +And so home to bed. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +146., January 21, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146 *** + +***** This file should be named 12465.txt or 12465.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/4/6/12465/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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