diff options
Diffstat (limited to '12444-h/12444-h.htm')
| -rw-r--r-- | 12444-h/12444-h.htm | 22689 |
1 files changed, 22689 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/12444-h/12444-h.htm b/12444-h/12444-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f7703d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/12444-h/12444-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,22689 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Windows (vers 1st November 2003), see www.w3.org" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content= +"text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>Project Gutenberg ebook: TOASTER'S HANDBOOK.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- +body { +margin-left: 10%; +margin-right: 10%; +} +p { +text-align: justify; +} +blockquote { +text-align: justify; +} +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { +text-align: center; +} +pre { +font-size: 0.7em; +} +hr { +text-align: center; +width: 50%; +} +html>body hr { +margin-right: 25%; +margin-left: 25%; +width: 50%; +} +hr.full { +width: 100%; +} +html>body hr.full { +margin-right: 0%; +margin-left: 0%; +width: 100%; +} +hr.short { +text-align: center; +width: 20%; +} +html>body hr.short { +margin-right: 40%; +margin-left: 40%; +width: 20%;} +div.note { +border-style: dashed; +border-width: 1px; +border-color: #000000; +font-size: 0.8em; +text-align: center; +margin-left: 15%; +margin-right: 15%; +} +div.note p { +margin: 10px; +} +.caption { +font-style: italic; +} +.author { +text-align: right; +margin-right: 5%; +} +.center { +text-align: center +;} +.poem { +margin-left:10%; +margin-right:10%; +margin-bottom: 1em; +text-align: left; +} +.poem .stanza { +margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; +} +.poem p { +margin: 0; +padding-left: 3em; +text-indent: -3em; +} +.poem p.i2 { +margin-left: 1em; +} +.poem p.i4 { +margin-left: 2em; +} +.poem p.i6 { +margin-left: 3em; +} +.poem p.i8 { +margin-left: 4em; +} +.poem p.i10 { +margin-left: 5em; +} +.poem .i30 { +margin-left: 15em +} +.toc { +margin-left : 15%; +} +.topic { +margin-left : 25%; +font-size: 80%; +margin-bottom: 0em; +} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12444 ***</div> + +<div class="note"> +[Transcriber's note: The Table of Contents was added to this e-book +by the transcriber.] +</div> +<br /> +<br /> +<h1>TOASTER'S HANDBOOK</h1> +<h2>JOKES, STORIES, AND QUOTATIONS</h2> +<br /> +<br /> +<h5><i>Compiled by</i></h5> +<h2>PEGGY EDMUND</h2> +<h5><i>and</i></h5> +<h2>HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS</h2> +<br /> +<h5><i>Introductions by</i></h5> +<h2>MARY KATHARINE REELY</h2> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>1916</h3> +<hr /> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> +<p class="toc"><a href="#HPREF">PREFACE</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#H002">ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF +HUMOR</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#H003">TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND +TOASTS</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#H004">TOASTER'S HANDBOOK</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H005">ABILITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H006">ABOLITION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H007">ABSENT-MINDEDNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H008">ACCIDENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H009">ACTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H010">ACTORS AND ACTRESSES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H0101">ADAPTATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H011">ADDRESSES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H012">ADVERTISING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H0121">ADVICE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H013">AERONAUTICS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H014">AEROPLANES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H015">AFTER DINNER SPEECHES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H016">AGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H017">AGENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H018">AGRICULTURE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H019">ALARM CLOCKS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H020">ALERTNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H021">ALIBI</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H022">ALIMONY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H023">ALLOWANCES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H024">ALTERNATIVES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H025">ALTRUISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H026">AMBITION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H027">AMERICAN GIRL</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H028">AMERICANS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H029">AMUSEMENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H030">ANATOMY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H031">ANCESTRY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H032">ANGER</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H033">ANNIVERSARIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H034">ANTIDOTES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H035">APPEARANCES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H036">APPLAUSE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H037">ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H038">ARITHMETIC</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H039">ARMIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H040">ARMY RATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H041">ART</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H042">ARTISTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H043">ATHLETES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H044">ATTENTION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H045">AUTHORS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H046">AUTOMOBILES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H047">AUTOMOBILING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H048">AVIATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H049">AVIATORS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H050">BABIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H051">BACCALAUREATE SERMONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H052">BACTERIA</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H053">BADGES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H054">BAGGAGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H055">BALDNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H056">BANKS AND BANKING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H057">BAPTISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H058">BAPTISTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H059">BARGAINS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H060">BASEBALL</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H061">BATHS AND BATHING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H062">BAZARS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H063">BEARDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H064">BEAUTY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H065">BEAUTY, PERSONAL</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H066">BEDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H067">BEER</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H068">BEES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H069">BEETLES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H070">BEGGING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H071">BETTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H072">BIBLE INTERPRETATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H073">BIGAMY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H074">BILLS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H075">BIRTHDAYS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H076">BLUFFING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H077">BLUNDERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H078">BOASTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H079">BONANZAS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H080">BOOKKEEPING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H081">BOOKS AND READING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H082">BOOKSELLERS AND +BOOKSELLING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H083">BOOKWORMS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H084">BOOMERANGS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H085">BORES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H086">BORROWERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H087">BOSSES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H088">BOSTON</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H089">BOXING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H090">BOYS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H091">BREAKFAST FOODS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H092">BREATH</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H093">BREVITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H094">BRIBERY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H095">BRIDES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H096">BRIDGE WHIST</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H097">BROOKLYN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H098">BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H099">BUILDINGS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H100">BURGLARS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H101">BUSINESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H102">BUSINESS ENTERPRISE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H103">BUSINESS ETHICS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H104">BUSINESS WOMEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H105">CAMPAIGNS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H106">CAMPING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H107">CANDIDATES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H108">CANNING AND PRESERVING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H109">CAPITALISTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H110">CAREFULNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H111">CARPENTERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H112">CARVING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H113">CASTE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H114">CATS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H115">CAUSE AND EFFECT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H116">CAUTION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H117">CHAMPAGNE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H118">CHARACTER</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H119">CHARITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H120">CHICAGO</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H121">CHICKEN STEALING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H122">CHILD LABOR</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H123">CHILDREN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H124">CHOICES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H125">CHOIRS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H126">CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H127">CHRISTIANS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H128">CHRISTMAS GIFTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H129">CHRONOLOGY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H130">CHURCH ATTENDANCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H131">CHURCH DISCIPLINE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H132">CIRCUS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H133">CIVILIZATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H134">CLEANLINESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H135">CLERGY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H136">CLIMATE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H137">CLOTHING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H138">CLUBS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H139">COAL DEALERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H140">COEDUCATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H141">COFFEE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H142">COINS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H143">COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H144">COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H145">COLLEGE GRADUATES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H146">COLLEGE STUDENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H147">COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H148">COMMON SENSE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H149">COMMUTERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H150">COMPARISONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H151">COMPENSATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H152">COMPETITION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H153">COMPLIMENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H154">COMPOSERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H155">COMPROMISES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H156">CONFESSIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H157">CONGRESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H158">CONGRESSMEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H159">CONSCIENCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H160">CONSEQUENCES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H161">CONSIDERATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H162">CONSTANCY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H163">CONTRIBUTION BOX</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H164">CONUNDRUMS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H165">CONVERSATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H166">COOKERY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H167">COOKS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H168">CORNETS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H169">CORNS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H170">CORPULENCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H171">COSMOPOLITANISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H172">COST OF LIVING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H173">COUNTRY LIFE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H174">COURAGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H175">COURTESY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H176">COURTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H177">COURTSHIP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H178">COWARDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H179">COWS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H180">CRITICISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H181">CRUELTY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H182">CUCUMBERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H183">CULTURE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H184">CURFEW</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H185">CURIOSITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H186">CYCLONES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H187">DACHSHUNDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H188">DAMAGES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H189">DANCING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H190">DEAD BEATS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H191">DEBTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H192">DEER</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H193">DEGREES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H194">DEMOCRACY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H195">DEMOCRATIC PARTY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H196">DENTISTRY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H197">DENTISTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H198">DESCRIPTION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H199">DESIGN, DECORATIVE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H200">DESTINATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H201">DETAILS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H202">DETECTIVES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H203">DETERMINATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H204">DIAGNOSIS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H205">DIET</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H206">DILEMMAS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H207">DINING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H2071">DIPLOMACY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H208">DISCIPLINE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H209">DISCOUNTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H210">DISCRETION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H211">DISPOSITION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H212">DISTANCES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H213">DIVORCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H214">DOGS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H215">DOMESTIC FINANCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H216">DOMESTIC RELATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H217">DRAMA</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H218">DRAMATIC CRITICISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H219">DRAMATISTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H220">DRESSMAKERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H221">DRINKING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H222">DROUGHTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H223">DRUNKARDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H224">DYSPEPSIA</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H225">ECHOES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H226">ECONOMY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H227">EDITORS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H228">EDUCATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H229">EFFICIENCY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H230">EGOTISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H231">ELECTIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H232">ELECTRICITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H233">EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H234">EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H235">ENEMIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H236">ENGLAND</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H237">ENGLISH LANGUAGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H238">ENGLISHMEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H239">ENTHUSIASM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H240">EPITAPHS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H241">EPITHETS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H242">EQUALITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H243">ERMINE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H244">ESCAPES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H245">ETHICS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H246">ETIQUET</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H247">EUROPEAN WAR</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H248">EVIDENCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H249">EXAMINATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H250">EXCUSES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H251">EXPOSURE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H252">EXTORTION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H253">EXTRAVAGANCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H254">FAILURES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H255">FAITH</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H256">FAITHFULNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H257">FAME</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H258">FAMILIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H259">FAREWELLS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H260">FASHION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H261">FATE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H262">FATHERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H263">FAULTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H264">FEES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H265">FEET</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H266">FIGHTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H267">FINANCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H268">FINGER-BOWLS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H269">FIRE DEPARTMENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H270">FIRE ESCAPES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H271">FIRES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H272">FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND +INJURY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H273">FISH</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H274">FISHERMEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H275">FISHING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H276">FLATS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H277">FLATTERY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H278">FLIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H279">FLIRTATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H280">FLOWERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H281">FOOD</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H282">FOOTBALL</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H283">FORDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H284">FORECASTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H285">FORESIGHT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H286">FORGETFULNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H287">FORTUNE HUNTERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H288">FOUNTAIN PENS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H289">FOURTH OF JULY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H290">FREAKS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H291">FREE THOUGHT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H292">FRENCH LANGUAGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H293">FRESHMEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H294">FRIENDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H295">FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H2951">FRIENDSHIP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H296">FUN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H297">FUNERALS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H298">FURNITURE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H299">FUTURE LIFE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H300">GARDENING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H301">GAS STOVES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H302">GENEROSITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H303">GENTLEMEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H304">GERMANS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H305">GHOSTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H306">GIFTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H307">GLUTTONY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H308">GOLF</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H309">GOOD FELLOWSHIP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H310">GOSSIP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H311">GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H312">GOVERNORS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H313">GRAFT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H314">GRATITUDE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H315">GREAT BRITAIN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H316">GRIEF</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H317">GUARANTEES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H318">GUESTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H319">HABIT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H320">HADES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H321">HAPPINESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H322">HARNESSING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H323">HARVARD UNIVERSITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H324">HASH</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H325">HASTE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H326">HEALTH RESORTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H327">HEARING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H328">HEAVEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H329">HEIRLOOMS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H330">HELL</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H331">HEREDITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H332">HEROES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H333">HINTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H334">HOME</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H335">HOMELINESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H336">HOMESTEADS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H337">HONESTY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H338">HONOR</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H339">HOPE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H340">HORSES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H341">HOSPITALITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H342">HOSTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H343">HOTELS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H344">HUNGER</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H345">HUNTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H346">HURRY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H347">HUSBANDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H348">HYBRIDIZATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H349">HYPERBOLE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H350">HYPOCRISY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H351">IDEALS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H352">ILLUSIONS AND +HALLUCINATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H353">IMAGINATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H354">IMITATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H355">INFANTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H356">INQUISITIVENESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H357">INSANITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H358">INSPIRATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H359">INSTALMENT PLAN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H360">INSTRUCTIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H361">INSURANCE, LIFE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H362">INSURANCE BLANKS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H363">INSURGENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H364">INTERVIEWS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H365">INVITATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H366">IRISH BULLS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H367">IRISHMEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H368">IRREVERENCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H369">JEWELS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H370">JEWS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H371">JOKES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H372">JUDGES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H373">JUDGMENT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H374">JURY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H375">JUVENILE DELINQUENCY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H376">KENTUCKY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H377">KINDNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H378">KINGS AND RULERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H379">KISSES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H380">KNOWLEDGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H381">KULTUR</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H382">LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H383">LADIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H384">LANDLORDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H385">LANGUAGES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H386">LAUGHTER</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H387">LAW</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H388">LAWYERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H389">LAZINESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H390">LEAP YEAR</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H391">LEGISLATORS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H392">LIARS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H393">LIBERTY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H394">LIBRARIANS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H395">LIFE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H396">LISPING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H397">LOST AND FOUND</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H398">LOVE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H399">LOYALTY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H400">LUCK</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H401">MAINE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H402">MAKING GOOD</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H403">MALARIA</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H404">MARKS(WO)MANSHIP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H405">MARRIAGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H406">MARRIAGE FEES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H407">MATHEMATICS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H408">MATRIMONY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H409">MEASURING INSTRUMENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H410">MEDICAL INSPECTION OF +SCHOOLS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H411">MEDICINE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H412">MEEKNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H413">MEMORIALS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H414">MEMORY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H415">MEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H416">MESSAGES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H417">METAPHOR</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H418">MICE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H419">MIDDLE CLASSES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H420">MILITANTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H421">MILITARY DISCIPLINE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H422">MILLINERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H423">MILLIONAIRES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H424">MINORITIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H425">MISERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H426">MISSIONARIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H427">MISSIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H428">MISTAKEN IDENTITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H429">MOLLYCODDLES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H430">MONEY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H431">MORAL EDUCATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H432">MOSQUITOES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H433">MOTHERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H434">MOTHERS-IN-LAW</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H435">MOTORCYCLES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H436">MOUNTAINS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H437">MOVING PICTURES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H438">MUCK-RAKING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H439">MULES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H440">MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H441">MUSEUMS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H442">MUSIC</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H443">MUSICIANS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H444">NAMES, PERSONAL</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H445">NATIVES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H446">NATURE LOVERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H447">NAVIGATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H448">NEATNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H449">NEGROES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H450">NEIGHBORS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H451">NEW JERSEY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H452">NEW YORK CITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H453">NEWS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H454">NEWSPAPERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H455">OBESITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H456">OBITUARIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H457">OBSERVATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H458">OCCUPATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H459">OCEAN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H460">OFFICE BOYS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H461">OFFICE-SEEKERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H462">OLD AGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H463">OLD MASTERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H464">ONIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H465">OPERA</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H466">OPPORTUNITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H467">OPTIMISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H468">ORATORS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H469">OUTDOOR LIFE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H470">PAINTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H471">PAINTINGS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H472">PANICS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H473">PARENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H474">PARROTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H475">PARTNERSHIP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H476">PASSWORDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H477">PATIENCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H478">PATRIOTISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H479">PENSIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H480">PESSIMISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H481">PHILADELPHIA</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H482">PHILANTHROPISTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H483">PHILOSOPHY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H484">PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H485">PICKPOCKETS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H486">PINS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H487">PITTSBURG</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H488">PLAY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H489">PLEASURE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H490">POETRY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H491">POETS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H492">POLICE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H493">POLITENESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H494">POLITICAL PARTIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H495">POLITICIANS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H496">POLITICS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H497">POVERTY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H498">PRAISE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H499">PRAYER MEETINGS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H500">PREACHING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H501">PRESCRIPTIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H502">PRESENCE OF MIND</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H503">PRINTERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H504">PRISONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H505">PRODIGALS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H506">PROFANITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H507">PROHIBITION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H508">PROMOTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H509">PROMOTION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H510">PROMPTNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H511">PRONUNCIATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H512">PROPORTION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H513">PROPOSALS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H514">PROPRIETY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H515">PROSPERITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H516">PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL +CHURCH</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H517">PROTESTANTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H518">PROVIDENCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H519">PROVINCIALISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H520">PUBLIC SERVICE +CORPORATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H521">PUBLIC SPEAKERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H522">PUNISHMENT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H523">PUNS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H524">PURE FOOD</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H525">QUARRELS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H526">QUESTIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H527">QUOTATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H528">RACE PREJUDICES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H529">RACE PRIDE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H530">RACE SUICIDE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H531">RACES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H532">RAILROADS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H533">RAPID TRANSIT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H534">READING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H535">REAL ESTATE AGENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H536">REALISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H537">RECALL</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H538">RECOMMENDATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H539">RECONCILIATIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H540">REFORMERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H541">REGRETS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H542">REHEARSALS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H543">RELATIVES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H544">RELIGIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H545">REMEDIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H546">REMINDERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H547">REPARTEE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H548">REPORTING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H549">REPUBLICAN PARTY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H550">REPUTATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H551">RESEMBLANCES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H552">RESIGNATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H553">RESPECTABILITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H554">REST CURE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H555">RETALIATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H5551">REVOLUTIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H556">REWARDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H557">RHEUMATISM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H558">ROADS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H559">ROASTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H560">ROOSEVELT, THEODORE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H561">SALARIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H562">SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H563">SALOONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H564">SALVATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H565">SAVING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H566">SCANDAL</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H567">SCHOLARSHIP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H568">SCHOOLS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H569">SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H570">SCOTCH, THE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H571">SEASICKNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H572">SEASONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H573">SENATORS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H574">SENSE OF HUMOR</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H575">SENTRIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H576">SERMONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H577">SERVANTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H578">SHOPPING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H579">SHYNESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H580">SIGNS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H581">SILENCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H582">SIN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H583">SINGERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H584">SKATING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H585">SKY-SCRAPERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H586">SLEEP</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H587">SMILES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H588">SMOKING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H589">SNEEZING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H590">SNOBBERY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H591">SNORING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H592">SOCIALISTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H593">SOCIETY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H594">SOLECISMS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H595">SONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H596">SOUVENIRS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H597">SPECULATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H598">SPEED</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H599">SPINSTERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H600">SPITE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H601">SPRING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H602">STAMMERING</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H603">STATESMEN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H604">STATISTICS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H605">STEAK</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H606">STEAM</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H607">STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H608">STENOGRAPHERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H609">STOCK BROKERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H610">STRATEGY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H611">SUBWAYS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H612">SUCCESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H613">SUFFRAGETTES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H614">SUICIDE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H615">SUMMER RESORTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H616">SUNDAY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H617">SUNDAY SCHOOLS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H618">SUPERSTITION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H619">SURPRISE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H620">SWIMMERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H621">SYMPATHY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H622">SYNONYMS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H623">TABLE MANNERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H624">TACT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H625">TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H626">TALENT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H627">TALKERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H628">TARDINESS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H629">TARIFF</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H630">TASTE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H631">TEACHERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H632">TEARS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H633">TEETH</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H634">TELEPHONE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H635">TEMPER</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H636">TEMPERANCE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H637">TEXAS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H638">TEXTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H639">THEATER</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H640">THIEVES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H641">THIN PEOPLE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H642">THRIFT</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H643">TIDES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H644">TIME</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H645">TIPS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H646">TITLES OF HONOR AND +NOBILITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H647">TOASTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H648">TOBACCO</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H649">TOURISTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H650">TRADE UNIONS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H651">TRAMPS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H652">TRANSMUTATION</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H653">TRAVELERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H654">TREASON</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H655">TREES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H656">TRIGONOMETRY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H657">TROUBLE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H658">TRUSTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H659">TRUTH</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H660">TURKEYS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H661">TUTORS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H662">TWINS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H663">UMBRELLAS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H664">VALUE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H665">VANITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H666">VERSATILITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H667">VOICE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H668">WAGES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H669">WAITERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H670">WAR</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H671">WARNINGS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H672">WASHINGTON, GEORGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H673">WASPS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H674">WASTE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H675">WEALTH</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H676">WEATHER</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H677">WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H678">WEDDING PRESENTS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H679">WEDDINGS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H680">WEIGHTS AND MEASURES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H681">WELCOMES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H682">WEST, THE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H683">WHISKY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H684">WHISKY BREATH</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H685">WIDOWS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H686">WIND</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H687">WINDFALLS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H688">WINE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H689">WISHES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H690">WITNESSES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H691">WIVES</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H692">WOMAN</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H693">WOMAN SUFFRAGE</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H6931">WOMEN'S CLUBS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H6932">WORDS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H6933">WORK</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H694">WORMS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H695">YALE UNIVERSITY</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H696">YONKERS</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H697">"YOU"</a></p> +<p class="topic"><a href="#H698">ZONES</a></p> +<a name="HPREF" id="HPREF"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> +<hr /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<h2>PREFACE</h2> +<p>Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is +expected to respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by +occasion. All ideas he may ever have had on the subject melt away +and like a drowning man he clutches furiously at the nearest solid +object. This book is intended for such rescue purpose, buoyant and +trustworthy but, it is to be hoped, not heavy.</p> +<p>Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his +topic in this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he +may find toast, story, definition or verse that may felicitously +introduce his remarks. Then as he proceeds to outline his talk and +to put it into sentences, he may find under one of the many subject +headings a bit which will happily and scintillatingly drive home +the ideas he is unfolding.</p> +<p>While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are +inserted many quotations of a serious nature which may serve as +appropriate literary ballast.</p> +<p>The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed +under the subject headings where it seemed that they might be most +useful, even at the risk of the joke turning on the compilers. To +extend the usefulness of such pseudo-cataloging, cross references, +similar and dissimilar to those of a library card catalog, have +been included.</p> +<p>Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us +remark that the friends one likes best are those who have been +already tried and trusted and are the most welcome in times of +need. However, there are stories of a rising generation, whose +acquaintance all may enjoy.</p> +<p>Nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their +bow in print and since it rarely was certain where they first +appeared, little attempt has been made to credit any source for +them. The compilers hereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the +"funny editors" of many books and periodicals.</p> +<a name="H002" id="H002"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h2>ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR</h2> +<p>"Man," says Hazlitt, "is the only animal that laughs and weeps, +for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference +between what things are and what they ought to be." The sources, +then, of laughter and tears come very close together. At the +difference between things as they are and as they ought to be we +laugh, or we weep; it would depend, it seems, on the point of view, +or the temperament. And if, as Horace Walpole once said, "Life is a +comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel," it is the +thinking half of humanity that, at the sight of life's +incongruities, is moved to laughter, the feeling half to tears. A +sense of humor, then, is the possession of the thinking half, and +the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers.</p> +<p>If one were asked to go further than this and to give offhand a +definition of humor, or of that elusive quality, a sense of humor, +he might find himself confronted with a difficulty. Yet certain +things about it would be patent at the outset: Women haven't it; +Englishmen haven't it; it is the chiefest of the virtues, for tho a +man speak with the tongues of men and of angels, if he have not +humor we will have none of him. Women may continue to laugh over +those innocent and innocuous incidents which they find amusing; may +continue to write the most delightful of stories and +essays—consider Jane Austen and our own Miss +Repplier—over which appreciative readers may continue to +chuckle; Englishmen may continue, as in the past to produce the +most exquisite of the world's humorous literature—think of +Charles Lamb—yet the fundamental faith of mankind will remain +unshaken: women have no sense of humor, and an Englishman cannot +see a joke! And the ability to "see a joke" is the infallible +American test of the sense of humor.</p> +<p>But taking the matter seriously, how would one define humor? +When in doubt, consult the dictionary, is, as always, an excellent +motto, and, following it, we find that our trustworthy friend, +Noah Webster, does not fail us. Here is his definition of humor, +ready to hand: humor is "the mental faculty of discovering, +expressing, or appreciating ludicrous or absurdly incongruous +elements in ideas, situations, happenings, or acts," with the +added information that it is distinguished from wit as +"less purely intellectual and having more kindly sympathy +with human nature, and as often blended with pathos." A friendly +rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attribute more +lightly as "a facetious turn of thought," or more specifically in +literature, as "a sportive exercise of the imagination that is +apparent in the choice and treatment of an idea or theme." +Isn't there something about that word "sportive," on the +lips of so learned an authority, that tickles the +fancy—appeals to the sense of humor?</p> +<p>Yet if we peruse the dictionary further, especially if we +approach that monument to English scholarship, the great Murray, we +shall find that the problem of defining humor is not so simple as +it might seem; for the word that we use so glibly, with so sure a +confidence in its stability, has had a long and varied history and +has answered to many aliases. When Shakespeare called a man +"humorous" he meant that he was changeable and capricious, not that +he was given to a facetious turn of thought or to a "sportive" +exercise of the imagination. When he talks in "The Taming of the +Shrew" of "her mad and head-strong humor" he doesn't mean to imply +that Kate is a practical joker. It is interesting to note in +passing that the old meaning of the word still lingers in the verb +"to humor." A woman still humors her spoiled child and her +cantankerous husband when she yields to their capriciousness. By +going hack a step further in history, to the late fourteenth +century, we met Chaucer's physician who knew "the cause of everye +maladye, and where engendered and of what humour" and find that +Chaucer is not speaking of a mental state at all, but is referring +to those physiological humours of which, according to Hippocrates, +the human body contained four: blood, phlegm, bile, and black bile, +and by which the disposition was determined. We find, too, that at +one time a "humour" meant any animal or plant fluid, and again any +kind of moisture. "The skie hangs full of humour, and I think we +shall haue raine," ran an ancient weather prophet's prediction. +Which might give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical subject +of <i>dry</i> humor.</p> +<p>Now in part this development is easily traced. Humor, meaning +moisture of any kind, came to have a biological significance and +was applied only to plant and animal life. It was restricted later +within purely physiological boundaries and was applied only to +those "humours" of the human body that controlled temperament. From +these fluids, determining mental states, the word took on a +psychological coloring, but—by what process of evolution did +humor reach its present status! After all, the scientific method +has its weaknesses!</p> +<p>We can, if we wish, define humor in terms of what it is not. We +can draw lines around it and distinguish it from its next of kin, +wit. This indeed has been a favorite pastime with the jugglers of +words in all ages. And many have been the attempts to define humor, +to define wit, to describe and differentiate them, to build high +fences to keep them apart.</p> +<p>"Wit is abrupt, darting, scornful; it tosses its analogies in +your face; humor is slow and shy, insinuating its fun into your +heart," says E. P. Whipple. "Wit is intellectual, humor is +emotional; wit is perception of resemblance, humor of +contrast—of contrast between ideal and fact, theory and +practice, promise and performance," writes another authority. While +yet another points out that "Humor is feeling—feelings can +always bear repetition, while wit, being intellectual, suffers by +repetition." The truth of this is evident when we remember that we +repeat a witty saying that we may enjoy the effect on others, while +we retell a humorous story largely for our own enjoyment of it.</p> +<p>Yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined. It +may be one of those intangible substances, like love and beauty, +that are indefinable. It is quite probable that humor should not be +explained. It would be distressing, as some one pointed out, to +discover that American humor is based on American dyspepsia. Yet +the philosophers themselves have endeavored to explain it. Hazlitt +held that to understand the ludicrous, we must first know what the +serious is. And to apprehend the serious, what better course could +be followed than to contemplate the serious—yes and +ludicrous—findings of the philosophers in their attempts to +define humor and to explain laughter. Consider Hobbes: "The passion +of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from the +sudden conception of eminency in ourselves by comparison with the +inferiority of others, or with our own formerly." According to +Professor Bain, "Laughter results from the degradation of some +person or interest possessing dignity in circumstances that excite +no other strong emotion." Even Kant, desisting for a time from his +contemplation of Pure Reason, gave his attention to the human +phenomenon of laughter and explained it away as "the result of an +expectation which of a sudden ends in nothing." Some modern cynic +has compiled a list of the situations on the stage which are always +"humorous." One of them, I recall, is the situation in which the +clown-acrobat, having made mighty preparations for jumping over a +pile of chairs, suddenly changes his mind and walks off without +attempting it. The laughter that invariably greets this "funny" +maneuver would seem to have philosophical sanction. Bergson, too, +the philosopher of creative evolution, has considered laughter to +the extent of an entire volume. A reading of it leaves one a little +disturbed. Laughter, so we learn, is not the merry-hearted, jovial +companion we had thought him. Laughter is a stern mentor, +characterized by "an absence of feeling." "Laughter," says M. +Bergson, "is above all a corrective, it must make a painful +impression on the person against whom it is directed. By laughter +society avenges itself for the liberties taken with it. It would +fail in its object if it bore the stamp of sympathy or kindness." +If this be laughter, grant us occasionally the saving grace of +tears, which may be tears of sympathy, and, therefore, kind!</p> +<p>But, after all, since it is true that "one touch of humor makes +the whole world grin," what difference does it make what that humor +is; what difference why or wherefore we laugh, since somehow or +other, in a sorry world, we do laugh?</p> +<p>Of the test for a sense of humor, it has already been said that +it is the ability to see a joke. And, as for a joke, the +dictionary, again a present help in time of trouble, tells us at +once that it is, "something said or done for the purpose of +exciting a laugh." But stay! Suppose it does not excite the laugh +expected? What of the joke that misses fire? Shall a joke be judged +by its intent or by its consequences? Is a joke that does not +produce a laugh a joke at all? Pragmatically considered it is not. +Agnes Repplier, writing on Humor, speaks of "those beloved writers +whom we hold to be humorists because they have made us laugh." We +hold them to be so—but there seems to be a suggestion that we +may be wrong. Is it possible that the laugh is not the test of the +joke? Here is a question over which the philosophers may wrangle. +Is there an Absolute in the realm of humor, or must our jokes be +judged solely by the pragmatic test? Congreve once told Colly +Gibber that there were many witty speeches in one of Colly's plays, +and many that looked witty, yet were not really what they seemed at +first sight! So a joke is not to be recognized even by its +appearance or by the company it keeps. Perhaps there might be +established a test of good usage. A joke would be that at which the +best people laugh.</p> +<p>Somebody—was it Mark Twain?—once said that there are +eleven original jokes in the world—that these were known in +prehistoric times, and that all jokes since have been but +modifications and adaptations from the originals. Miss Repplier, +however, gives to modern times the credit for some inventiveness. +Christianity, she says, must be thanked for such contributions as +the missionary and cannibal joke, and for the interminable +variations of St. Peter at the gate. Max Beerbohm once codified all +the English comic papers and found that the following list +comprised all the subjects discussed: Mothers-in-law; Hen-pecked +husbands; Twins; Old maids; Jews; Frenchmen and Germans; Italians +and Niggers; Fatness; Thinness; Long hair (in men); Baldness; Sea +sickness; Stuttering; Bloomers; Bad cheese; Red noses. A like +examination of American newspapers would perhaps result in a +slightly different list. We have, of course, our purely local +jokes. Boston will always be a joke to Chicago, the east to the +west. The city girl in the country offers a perennial source of +amusement, as does the country man in the city. And the foreigner +we have always with us, to mix his Y's and J's, distort his H's, +and play havoc with the Anglo-Saxon Th. Indeed our great American +sense of humor has been explained as an outgrowth from the vast +field of incongruities offered by a developing civilization.</p> +<p>It may be that this vaunted national sense has been +over-estimated—exaggeration is a characteristic of that +humor, anyway—but at least it has one of the Christian +virtues—it suffereth long and is kind. Miss Repplier says +that it is because we are a "humorous rather than a witty people +that we laugh for the most part with, and not at our fellow +creatures." This, I think, is something that our fellow creatures +from other lands do not always comprehend. I listened once to a +distinguished Frenchman as he addressed the students in a western +university chapel. He was evidently astounded and embarrassed by +the outbursts of laughter that greeted his mildly humorous remarks. +He even stopped to apologize for the deficiencies of his English, +deeming them the cause, and was further mystified by the little +ripple of laughter that met his explanation—a ripple that +came from the hearts of the good-natured students, who meant only +to be appreciative and kind. Foreigners, too, unacquainted with +American slang often find themselves precipitating a laugh for +which they are unprepared. For a bit of current slang, however and +whenever used, is always humorous.</p> +<p>The American is not only a humorous person, he is a practical +person. So it is only natural that the American humor should be put +to practical uses. It was once said that the difference between a +man with tact and a man without was that the man with tact, in +trying to put a bit in a horse's mouth, would first tell him a +funny story, while the man without tact would get an axe. This use +of the funny story is the American way of adapting it to practical +ends. A collection of funny stories used to be an important part of +a drummer's stock in trade. It is by means of the "good story" that +the politician makes his way into office; the business man paves +the way for a big deal; the after-dinner speaker gets a hearing; +the hostess saves her guests from boredom. Such a large place does +the "story" hold in our national life that we have invented a +social pastime that might be termed a "joke match." "Don't tell a +funny story, even if you know one," was the advice of the Atchison +Globe man, "its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad +one." True as this may be, we still persist in telling our funny +story. Our hearers are reminded of another, good or bad, which +again reminds us—and so on.</p> +<p>A sense of humor, as was intimated before, is the chiefest of +the virtues. It is more than this—it is one of the essentials +to success. For, as has also been pointed out, we, being a +practical people, put our humor to practical uses. It is held up as +one of the prerequisites for entrance to any profession. "A +lawyer," says a member of that order, must have such and such +mental and moral qualities; "but before all else"—and this +impressively—"he must possess a sense of humor." Samuel +McChord Crothers says that were he on the examining board for the +granting of certificates to prospective teachers, he would place a +copy of Lamb's essay on Schoolmasters in the hands of each, and if +the light of humorous appreciation failed to dawn as the reading +progressed, the certificate would be withheld. For, before all +else, a teacher must possess a sense of humor! If it be true, then, +that the sense of humor is so important in determining the choice +of a profession, how wise are those writers who hold it an +essential for entrance into that most exacting of +professions—matrimony! "Incompatibility in humor," George +Eliot held to be the "most serious cause of diversion." And +Stevenson, always wise, insists that husband and wife must he able +to laugh over the same jokes—have between them many a "grouse +in the gun-room" story. But there must always be exceptions if the +spice of life is to be preserved, and I recall one couple of my +acquaintance, devoted and loyal in spite of this very +incompatibility. A man with a highly whimsical sense of humor had +married a woman with none. Yet he told his best stories with an eye +to their effect on her, and when her response came, peaceful and +placid and non-comprehending, he would look about the table with +delight, as much as to say, "Isn't she a wonder? Do you know her +equal?"</p> +<p>Humor may be the greatest of the virtues, yet it is the one of +whose possession we may boast with impunity. "Well, that was too +much for my sense of humor," we say. Or, "You know my sense of +humor was always my strong point." Imagine thus boasting of one's +integrity, or sense of honor! And so is its lack the one vice of +which one may not permit himself to be a trifle proud. "I admit +that I have a hot temper," and "I know I'm extravagant," are simple +enough admissions. But did any one ever openly make the confession, +"I know I am lacking in a sense of humor!" However, to recognize +the lack one would first have to possess the sense—which is +manifestly impossible.</p> +<p>"To explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account for +the condition of human life," says Hazlitt, and no philosophy has +as yet succeeded in accounting for the condition of human life. +"Man is a laughing animal," wrote Meredith, "and at the end of +infinite search the philosopher finds himself clinging to laughter +as the best of human fruit, purely human, and sane, and +comforting." So whether it be the corrective laughter of Bergson, +Jove laughing at lovers' vows, Love laughing at locksmiths, or the +cheerful laughter of the fool that was like the crackling of thorns +to Koheleth, the preacher, we recognize that it is good; that +without this saving grace of humor life would be an empty vaunt. I +like to recall that ancient usage: "The skie hangs full of humour, +and I think we shall haue raine." Blessed humor, no less refreshing +today than was the humour of old to a parched and thirsty +earth.</p> +<a name="H003" id="H003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h2>TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS</h2> +<p>Before making any specific suggestions to the prospective +toaster or toastmaster, let us advise that he consider well the +nature and spirit of the occasion which calls for speeches. The +toast, after-dinner talk, or address is always given under +conditions that require abounding good humor, and the desire to +make everybody pleased and comfortable as well as to furnish +entertainment should be uppermost.</p> +<p>Perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise to +the modern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which a +toast should be given. It originated with the pagan custom of +drinking to gods and the dead, which in Christian nations was +modified, with the accompanying idea of a wish for health and +happiness added. In England during the sixteenth century it was +customary to put a "toast" in the drink, which was usually served +hot. This toast was the ordinary piece of bread scorched on both +sides. Shakespeare in "The Merry Wives of Windsor" has Falstaff +say, "Fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast in't." Later the +term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor the company +drank, her name serving to flavor the bumper as the toast flavored +the drink. It was in this way that the act of drinking or of +proposing a health, or the mere act of expressing good wishes or +fellowship at table came to be known as toasting.</p> +<p>Since an occasion, then, at which toasts are in order is one +intended to promote good feeling, it should afford no opportunity +for the exploitation of any personal or selfish interest or for +anything controversial, or antagonistic to any of the company +present. The effort of the toastmaster should be to promote the +best of feeling among all and especially between speakers. And +speakers should cooperate with the toastmaster and with each other +to that end. The introductions of the toastmaster may, of course, +contain some good-natured bantering, together with compliment, but +always without sting. Those taking part may "get back" at the +toastmaster, but always in a manner to leave no hard feeling +anywhere. The toastmaster should strive to make his speakers feel +at ease, to give them good standing with their hearers without +overpraising them and making it hard to live up to what is expected +of them. In short, let everybody boost good naturedly for everybody +else.</p> +<p>The toastmaster, and for that matter everyone taking part, +should be carefully prepared. It may be safely said that those who +are successful after-dinner speakers have learned the need of +careful forethought. A practised speaker may appear to speak +extemporaneously by putting together on one occasion thoughts and +expressions previously prepared for other occasions, but the +neophyte may well consider it necessary to think out carefully the +matter of what to say and how to say it. Cicero said of Antonius, +"All his speeches were, <i>in appearance</i>, the unpremeditated +effusion of an honest heart; and yet, in reality, they were +<i>preconceived with so much skill</i> that the judges were not so +well prepared as they should have been to withstand the force of +them!"</p> +<p>After considering the nature of the occasion and getting himself +in harmony with it, the speaker should next consider the relation +of his particular subject to the occasion and to the subjects of +the other speakers. He should be careful to hold closely to the +subject allotted to him so that he will not encroach upon the +ground of other speakers. He should be careful, too, not to +appropriate to himself any of their time. And he should consider, +without vanity and without humility, his own relative importance +and govern himself accordingly. We have all had the painful +experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of the evening +to begin while some humble citizen made "a few introductory +remarks."</p> +<p>In planning his speech and in getting it into finished form, the +toaster will do well to remember those three essentials to all good +composition with which he struggled in school and college days, +Unity, Mass and Coherence. The first means that his talk must have +a central thought, on which all his stories, anecdotes and jokes +will have a bearing; the second that there will be a proper balance +between the parts, that it will not be all introduction and +conclusion; the third, that it will hang together, without awkward +transitions. A toast may consist, as Lowell said, of "a platitude, +a quotation and an anecdote," but the toaster must exercise his +ingenuity in putting these together.</p> +<p>In delivering the toast, the speaker must of course be natural. +The after-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone, not for +oratory of voice or manner. Something of an air of detachment on +the part of the speaker is advisable. The humorist who can tell a +story with a straight face adds to the humorous effect.</p> +<p>A word might be said to those who plan the program. In the +number of speakers it is better to err in having too few than too +many. Especially is this true if there is one distinguished person +who is <i>the</i> speaker of the occasion. In such a case the number +of lesser lights may well be limited to two or three. The placing of +the guest of honor on the program is a matter of importance. +Logically he would be expected to come last, as the crowning +feature. But if the occasion is a large semi-public affair—a +political gathering, for example—where strict etiquet does +not require that all remain thru the entire program, there will +always be those who will leave early, thus missing the best part of +the entertainment. In this case some shifting of speakers, even at +the risk of an anti-climax, would be advisable. On ordinary +occasions, where the speakers are of much the same rank, order will +be determined mainly by subject. And if the topics for discussion +are directly related, if they are all component parts of a general +subject, so much the better.</p> +<p>Now we are going to add a special paragraph for the absolutely +inexperienced person—who has never given, or heard anyone +else give, a toast. It would seem hardly possible in this day of +banquets to find an individual who has missed these occasions +entirely—but he is to be found. Especially is this true in a +world where toasting and after-dinner speaking are coming to be +more and more in demand at social functions—the college +world. Here the young man or woman, coming from a country town +where the formal banquet is unknown, who has never heard an +after-dinner speech, may be confronted with the necessity of +responding to a toast on, say "Needles and Pins." Such a one would +like to be told first of all what an after-dinner speech is. It is +only a short, informal talk, usually witty, at any rate kindly, +with one central idea and a certain amount of illustrative material +in the way of anecdotes, quotations and stories. The best advice to +such a speaker is: Make your first effort simple. Don't be over +ambitious. If, as was suggested in the example cited a moment ago, +the subject is fanciful—as it is very apt to be at a college +banquet—any interpretation you choose to put upon it is +allowable. If the interpretation is ingenious, your case is already +half won. Such a subject is in effect a challenge. "Now, let's see +what you can make of this," is what it implies. First get an idea; +then find something in the way of illustrative material. Speak +simply and naturally and sit down and watch how the others do it. +Of course the subject on such occasions is often of a more serious +nature—Our Class; The Team; Our President—in which case +a more serious treatment is called for, with a touch of honest +pride and sentiment.</p> +<p>To sum up what has been said, with borrowings from what others +have said on the subject, the following general rules have been +formulated:</p> +<p><i>Prepare carefully</i>. Self-confidence is a valuable +possession, but beware of being too sure of yourself. Pride goes +before a fall, and overconfidence in his ability to improvise has +been the downfall of many a would-be speaker. The speaker should +strive to give the effect of spontaneity, but this can be done only +with practice. The toast calls for the art that conceals art.</p> +<p><i>Let your speech have unity</i>. As some one has pointed out, +the after-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression, just as +is the short story. As such it should give a unity of impression. +It bears something of the same relation to the oration that the +short story does to the novel.</p> +<p><i>Let it have continuity</i>. James Bryce says: "There is a +tendency today to make after-dinner speaking a mere string of +anecdotes, most of which may have little to do with the subject or +with one another. Even the best stories lose their charm when they +are dragged in by the head and shoulders, having no connection with +the allotted theme. Relevance as well as brevity is the soul of +wit."</p> +<p><i>Do not grow emotional or sentimental</i>. American traditions +are largely borrowed from England. We have the Anglo-Saxon +reticence. A parade of emotion in public embarrasses us. A simple +and sincere expression of feeling is often desirable in a +toast—but don't overdo it.</p> +<p><i>Avoid trite sayings</i>. Don't use quotations that are +shopworn, and avoid the set forms for toasts—"Our sweethearts +and wives—may they never meet," etc.</p> +<p><i>Don't apologise</i>. Don't say that you are not prepared; +that you speak on very short notice; that you are "no orator as +Brutus is." Resolve to do your best and let your effort speak for +itself.</p> +<p><i>Avoid irony and satire</i>. It has already been said that +occasions on which toasts are given call for friendliness and good +humor. Yet the temptation to use irony and satire may be strong. +Especially may this be true at political gatherings where there is +a chance to grow witty at the expense of rivals. Irony and satire +are keen-edged tools; they have their uses; but they are dangerous. +Pope, who knew how to use them, said:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet</p> +<p class="i2">To run amuck and tilt at all I meet.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p><i>Use personal references sparingly</i>. A certain amount of +good-natured chaffing may be indulged in. Yet there may be danger +in even the most kindly of fun. One never knows how a jest will be +taken. Once in the early part of his career, Mark Twain, at a New +England banquet, grew funny at the expense of Longfellow and +Emerson, then in their old age and looked upon almost as +divinities. His joke fell dead, and to the end of his life he +suffered humiliation at the recollection.</p> +<p><i>Be clear</i>. While you must not draw an obvious moral or +explain the point to your jokes, be sure that the point is there +and that it is put in such a way that your hearers cannot miss it. +Avoid flights of rhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea +of words.</p> +<p><i>Avoid didacticism</i>. Do not try to instruct. Do not give +statistics and figures. They will not be remembered. A historical +resume of your subject from the beginning of time is not called +for; neither are well-known facts about the greatness of your city +or state or the prominent person in whose honor you may be +speaking. Do not tell your hearers things they already know.</p> +<p><i>Be brief</i>. An after-dinner audience is in a particularly +defenceless position. It is so out in the open. There is no +opportunity for a quiet nod or two behind a newspaper or the hat of +the lady in front. If you bore your hearers by overstepping your +time politeness requires that they sit still and look pleased. +Spare them. Remember Bacon's advice to the speaker: "Let him be +sure to leave other men their turns to speak." But suppose you come +late on the program! Suppose the other speakers have not heeded +Bacon? What are you going to do about it? Here is a story that +James Bryce tells of the most successful after-dinner speech he +remembers to have heard. The speaker was a famous engineer, the +occasion a dinner of the British Association for the Advancement of +Science. "He came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was +Applied Science, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and +gentlemen, at this late hour I advise you to illustrate the +Applications of Science by applying a lucifer match to the wick of +your bedroom candle. Let us all go to bed'."</p> +<p>If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting +short your own carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling +remarks, your audience will thank you—and they may ask you to +speak again.</p> +<a name="H004" id="H004"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h2>TOASTER'S HANDBOOK</h2> +<a name="H005" id="H005"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ABILITY</h3> +<p>"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't."</p> +<p>"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa.</p> +<p>"Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.—<i>H.E. +Zimmerman</i>.</p> +<a name="H006" id="H006"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ABOLITION</h3> +<p>He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he +sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and +began a conversation.</p> +<p>"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are +going to pick their cotton this season?" he inquired.</p> +<p>"Don't believe I have," answered the other.</p> +<p>"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the +picking," rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are +thorough workers, and obviously they will save their employers a +small fortune otherwise expended in wages."</p> +<p>"Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey +brigade is beginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool +northerners will come tearing down here and set 'em free."</p> +<a name="H007" id="H007"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ABSENT-MINDEDNESS</h3> +<p>SHE—"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest +creatures living."</p> +<p>HE—(<i>absent-mindedly</i>)—"Yes, my lamb."</p> +<a name="H008" id="H008"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ACCIDENTS</h3> +<p>The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in +Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The +sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making his way +carefully, as was also a woman going in the opposite direction. In +seeking to avoid each other, both slipped and they came down in a +heap. The polite doctor was overwhelmed and his embarrassment +paralyzed his speech, but the woman was equal to the occasion.</p> +<p>"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your +legs, I will take what remains," she said cheerfully.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the +Harlem river.</p> +<p>"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construction +shanty.</p> +<p>"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck in da +mud."</p> +<p>"How far in?"</p> +<p>"Up to hees knees."</p> +<p>"Oh, let him walk out."</p> +<p>"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There once was a lady from Guam,</p> +<p class="i2">Who said, "Now the sea is so calm</p> +<p class="i4">I will swim, for a lark";</p> +<p class="i4">But she met with a shark.</p> +<p class="i2">Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on +his feet)—"Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why, I seen +a bloke get killed stone dead, an' 'e never made such a bloomin' +fuss as you're doin'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his +parishioners. About noon, the parishioner's little son came to the +house crying lustily. On being asked what the matter was, he said +that the load of hay had tipped over in the street. The preacher, a +kindly man, assured the little fellow that it was nothing serious, +and asked him in to dinner.</p> +<p>"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.</p> +<p>But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with +his father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. +After dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had +stayed.</p> +<p>"Pa won't like it," he persisted.</p> +<p>The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him +think his father would object.</p> +<p>"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old Miss from Antrim,</p> +<p class="i2">Who looked for the leak with a glim.</p> +<p class="i4">Alack and alas!</p> +<p class="i4">The cause was the gas.</p> +<p class="i2">We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady named Hannah,</p> +<p class="i2">Who slipped on a peel of banana.</p> +<p class="i4">More stars she espied</p> +<p class="i4">As she lay on her side</p> +<p class="i2">Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A gentleman sprang to assist her;</p> +<p class="i2">He picked up her glove and her wrister;</p> +<p class="i4">"Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried;</p> +<p class="i4">"Did you think," she replied,</p> +<p class="i2">"I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">At first laying down, as a fact fundamental,</p> +<p class="i2">That nothing with God can be accidental.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H009" id="H009"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ACTING</h3> +<p>Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern +friend of his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization +of <i>Colonel Carter</i>. On one occasion the actor was appearing +in his native town, and remembered an old negro and his wife, who +had been body servants in his father's household, with a couple of +seats in the theatre. As it happened, he was playing the part of +the villain, and was largely concerned with treasons, stratagems +and spoils. From time to time he caught a glimpse of the ancient +couple in the gallery, and judged from their fearsome countenance +and popping eyes that they were being duly impressed.</p> +<p>After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the +scenes. They sat together for a while in solemn silence, and then +the mammy resolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered +himself together with an effort, and said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it +ain' for us po' niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment. But we +jes' got to tell yo' dat, in all de time we b'long to de fambly, +none o' ouh folks ain' neveh befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an' +we hope, Marse Cha'les, dat yo' see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' +done sho' nuff disgrace us."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs +produced Hamlet, and the following account of the proceedings +appeared in the local paper next morning:</p> +<p>"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered +to witness a performance of <i>Hamlet</i> at the Town Hall. There +has been considerable discussion in the press as to whether the +play was written by Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set +at rest. Let their graves be opened; the one who turned over last +night is the author."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this +special observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of +nature.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To wake the soul by tender strokes of art,</p> +<p class="i2">To raise the genius, and to mend the heart;</p> +<p class="i2">To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold,</p> +<p class="i2">Live o'er each scene, and be what they +behold—</p> +<p class="i2">For this the tragic muse first trod the stage.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Pope</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H010" id="H010"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ACTORS AND ACTRESSES</h3> +<p>An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small +New England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand +waddled to the middle of the street and began to hiss.</p> +<p>One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and +angrily exclaimed:</p> +<p>"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you +see the show."—<i>K.A. Bisbee</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a +vaunting ambition to play <i>Hamlet</i>. So with his first profits +he organized his own company and he went to an inland western town +to give vent to his ambition and "try it on."</p> +<p>When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that +the actor appeared to be much downcast.</p> +<p>"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one +of his friends.</p> +<p>"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor.</p> +<p>"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you +to come before the curtain?" persisted the friend.</p> +<p>"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY—"We play <i>Hamlet</i> +to-night, laddie, do we not?"</p> +<p>SUB-MANAGER—"Yes, Mr. Montgomery."</p> +<p>LEADING MAN—"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"</p> +<p>SUB-MANAGER—"Why?"</p> +<p>LEADING MAN—"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One +cannot play <i>Hamlet</i> in a beard!"</p> +<p>SUB-MANAGER—"Um—well—we'll put on +Macbeth!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>HE—"But what reason have you for refusing to marry +me?"</p> +<p>SHE—"Papa objects. He says you are an actor."</p> +<p>HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he +isn't a newspaper critic."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the +villain, had died to slow music.</p> +<p>The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.</p> +<p>He refused to appear.</p> +<p>But the audience still insisted.</p> +<p>Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the +front.</p> +<p>"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, +but he says he's dead, an' he's goin to stay dead."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair +dressed by a young woman at her home. The actress was very tired +and quiet, but a chance remark from the dresser made her open her +eyes and sit up.</p> +<p>"I should have went on the stage," said the young woman +complacently.</p> +<p>"But," returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me—think how I have +had to work and study to gain what success I have, and win such +fame as is now mine!"</p> +<p>"Oh, yes," replied the young woman calmly; "but then I have +talent."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called, in +a sudden emergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth at the +Criterion Theatre for a single night.</p> +<p>The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show the +public how great a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack +of an opportunity. But his joy was suddenly dampened by the +dreadful thought that, as the play was already in the midst of its +run, none of the dramatic critics might be there to watch his +triumph.</p> +<p>A bright thought struck him. He would announce the event. +Rushing to a telegraph office, he sent to one of the leading +critics the following telegram: "Orlando Day presents Allen +Ainsworth's part to-night at the Criterion."</p> +<p>Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So he repeated +the message to a dozen or more important persons.</p> +<p>At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a lounging +gentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read it to a group of +friends. A chorus of exclamations followed the reading: "Why, I got +precisely the same message!" "And so did I." "And I, too." "Who is +Orlando Day?" "What beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy that one +would pay any attention to his wire?"</p> +<p>J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was present, +was the only one who said nothing.</p> +<p>"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group.</p> +<p>"Oh, yes."</p> +<p>"But of course you didn't answer."</p> +<p>"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken +the trouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered him."</p> +<p>"You did! What did you say?"</p> +<p>"Oh, I just telegraphed him: 'Thanks for timely warning.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star!</p> +<p class="i2">How I wonder if you are</p> +<p class="i2">When at home the tender age</p> +<p class="i2">You appear when on the stage.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Mary A. Fairchild</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Recipe for an actor:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To one slice of ham add assortment of roles.</p> +<p class="i4">Steep the head in mash notes till it swells,</p> +<p class="i2">Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets,</p> +<p class="i4">Or with eggs—from afar—in the shells.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Recipe for an ingenue:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A pound and three-quarters of kitten,</p> +<p class="i4">Three ounces of flounces and sighs;</p> +<p class="i2">Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles,</p> +<p class="i4">And ringlets and dimples and eyes.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H0101" id="H0101"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ADAPTATION</h3> +<p>"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims +that a hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen +eggs, seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur.</p> +<p>"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of +nature's adaptation of all animals to their environment, the +seventeen eggs having been of the cold-storage variety."</p> +<a name="H011" id="H011"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ADDRESSES</h3> +<p>In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, +mother, that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, +'Send it up C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic +Harrison's <i>George Washington and other American Addresses</i>. +In a little while he brought back the book to the librarian and +said:</p> +<p>"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out +the addresses of several American magnates; I know where George +Washington has gone to, for he never told a lie."</p> +<a name="H012" id="H012"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ADVERTISING</h3> +<p>Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter +and delivered himself as follows:</p> +<p>"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. +See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than +twice the size of this."</p> +<p>"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.</p> +<p>"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the +window."</p> +<p>"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. +We always serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good +advertisement for the place."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Advertising costs me a lot of money."</p> +<p>"Why I never saw your goods advertised."</p> +<p>"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri +paper, a superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had +found a spider in his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign +of good luck or bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed +it:</p> +<p>"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good +luck nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our +paper to see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go +to that store, spin his web across the door and lead a life of +undisturbed peace ever afterward."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's +paper!"</p> +<p>"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced +to-night, and I want good notices from the critics."—<i>C. +Hilton Turvey</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day +and decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling +along he heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house +on which was a sign reading:</p> +<p>"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."</p> +<p>Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of +Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.</p> +<p>Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came +to the door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him +in and he sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, +afterward spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones +thanked him and he departed.</p> +<p>Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took +the same walk.</p> +<p>He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the +sign, he read:</p> +<p>"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of +Paderewski.)"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New +York, Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be +passing Daly's Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of +Hitchcock and his company that adorned the entrance. Near the +pictures was a billboard covered with laudatory extracts from +newspaper criticisms of the show.</p> +<p>When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned +to an unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the +corner of his eye.</p> +<p>"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked.</p> +<p>"Sure," replied the young man.</p> +<p>"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"</p> +<p>"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's +the best in the business. He's got all these other would-be +side-ticklers lashed to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so +much at any one in all my life."</p> +<p>"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.</p> +<p>"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this +Hitchcock has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not +in the same class. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't +compare them. I'm sorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about +it."</p> +<p>Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones +of a tragedian, he said:</p> +<p>"I am Foy."</p> +<p>"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm +Hitchcock!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as +they are instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big +enough for the Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; +by which means we often see an apothecary in the same paper of news +with a plenipotentiary, or a running footman with an +ambassador.—<i>Addison</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Salesmen and Salesmanship.</p> +<a name="H0121" id="H0121"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ADVICE</h3> +<p>Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the +trials of a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness +in spending money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the +Queen reminding her of his approaching birthday and delicately +suggesting that money would be the most acceptable gift. In her own +hand she answered, sternly reproving the youth for the sin of +extravagance and urging upon him the practise of economy. His reply +staggered her:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Grandma," it ran, "thank you for your kind letter of +advice. I have sold the same for five pounds."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Many receive advice, only the wise profit by +it.—<i>Publius Syrus</i>.</p> +<a name="H013" id="H013"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AERONAUTICS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A flea and a fly in a flue,</p> +<p class="i2">Were imprisoned; now what could they do?</p> +<p class="i4">Said the fly, "let us flee."</p> +<p class="i4">"Let us fly," said the flea,</p> +<p class="i2">And they flew through a flaw in the flue.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to be +aeroneous.—<i>La Touche Hancock</i>.</p> +<a name="H014" id="H014"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AEROPLANES</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Mother, may I go aeroplane?"</p> +<p class="i4">"Yes, my darling Mary.</p> +<p class="i2">Tie yourself to an anchor chain</p> +<p class="i4">And don't go near the airy."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a +dinner in New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a +toast on aviation terminated neatly with these words:</p> +<p>"The aeroplane has come at last, but it was a long time coming. +We can imagine Necessity, the mother of invention, looking up at a +sky all criss-crossed with flying machines, and then saying, with a +shake of her old head and with a contented smile:</p> +<p>"'Of all my family, the aeroplane has been the hardest to +raise.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A genius who once did aspire</p> +<p class="i2">To invent an aerial flyer,</p> +<p class="i4">When asked, "Does it go?"</p> +<p class="i4">Replied, "I don't know;</p> +<p class="i2">I'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H015" id="H015"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AFTER DINNER SPEECHES</h3> +<p>A Frenchman once remarked:</p> +<p>"The table is the only place where one is not bored for the +first hour."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Every rose has its thorn</p> +<p class="i4">There's fuzz on all the peaches.</p> +<p class="i2">There never was a dinner yet</p> +<p class="i4">Without some lengthy speeches.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an +important city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being +served the Mayor leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, +"Shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had +we better have your speech now?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Friend," said one immigrant to another, "this is a grand +country to settle in. They don't hang you here for murder."</p> +<p>"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked.</p> +<p>"They kill you," was the reply, "with elocution."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought +to himself, "Whoever's got to do the after-dinner speaking, it +won't be me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Joseph H. Choate and Chauncey Depew were invited to a dinner. +Mr. Choate was to speak, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Depew to +introduce him, which he did thus: "Gentlemen, permit me to +introduce Ambassador Choate, America's most inveterate after-dinner +speaker. All you need to do to get a speech out of Mr. Choate is to +open his mouth, drop in a dinner and up comes your speech."</p> +<p>Mr. Choate thanked the Senator for his compliment, and then +said: "Mr. Depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up +will come a speech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and +drop in one of Senator Depew's speeches up will come your +dinners."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. John C. Hackett recently told the following story:</p> +<p>"I was up in Rockland County last summer, and there was a +banquet given at a country hotel. All the farmers were there and +all the village characters. I was asked to make a speech.</p> +<p>"'Now,' said I, with the usual apologetic manner, 'it is not +fair to you that the toastmaster should ask me to speak. I am +notorious as the worst public speaker in the State of New York. My +reputation extends from one end of the state to the other. I have +no rival whatever, when it comes—' I was interrupted by a +lanky, ill-clad individual, who had stuck too close to the beer +pitcher.</p> +<p>"'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I take 'ception to what this here man +says. He ain't the worst public speaker in the state. I am. You all +know it, an' I want it made a matter of record that I took +'ception.'</p> +<p>"'Well, my friend,' said I, 'suppose we leave it to the guests. +You sit down while I say my piece, and then I'll sit down and let +you give a demonstration.' The fellow agreed and I went on. I +hadn't gone far when he got up again.</p> +<p>"''S all right,' said he, 'you win; needn't go no farther!'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same +ship. When the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a +dinner. Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance. +He spoke twenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr. +Depew's turn.</p> +<p>"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen," said the famous +raconteur as he arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself +made an agreement to trade speeches. He has just delivered my +speech, and I thank you for the pleasant manner in which you +received it. I regret to say that I have lost the notes of his +speech and cannot remember anything he was to say."</p> +<p>Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an +Englishman who had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the +smoking-room. "Mr Clemens," he said, "I consider you were much +imposed upon last night. I have always heard that Mr. Depew is a +clever man, but, really, that speech of his you made last night +struck me as being the most infernal rot."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Orators; Politicians; Public Speakers.</p> +<a name="H016" id="H016"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AGE</h3> +<p>The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe +old age.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller.</p> +<p>"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and +when I'm on the cars I'm four."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said +Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"</p> +<p>"No, indeed—why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy.</p> +<p>"She doesn't show it," said Witherell.</p> +<p>"No; but she knows I know how old she is—we were both born +on the same day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell +somebody."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know +how old they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater +than belongs to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old +chap named Joshua Bolton, who has been with that family and the +previous generation for more years than they can remember. In view, +therefore, of his advanced age, it was with surprise that his +employer received one day an application for a few days off, in +order that the old fellow might, as he put it, "go up to de ole +State of Virginny" to see his aunt.</p> +<p>"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.</p> +<p>"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's +'bout a hundred an' ten years ole."</p> +<p>"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in +Virginia?"</p> +<p>"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's +up dere livin' wif her grandmother."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a +large eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the +usual salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside +he added, "That's an awful age for a girl!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)—"When a man +reaches your age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, +expect to live very much longer, and I—"</p> +<p>THE NONAGENARIAN—"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my +legs than I were when I started!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much +embarrassment to a young man who was in love with a rich and +beautiful girl.</p> +<p>It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that +the next day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked +that he would the next morning send her some roses, one rose for +each year.</p> +<p>That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery +of twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the +order, and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:</p> +<p>"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of +my best customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good +measure."—<i>Edwin Tarrisse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was +riding in a suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the +customary question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the +correct age, which did not require a fare, the conductor passed on +to the next person.</p> +<p>The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and +then, concluding that full information had not been given, called +loudly to the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And +mother's thirty-one!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, +and the no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir +Mitchell, were together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. +Bigelow was then ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.</p> +<p>The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my +many years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most +abstemious. I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and +have taken little exercise."</p> +<p>"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I +have eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have +always used tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken +a great deal of exercise."</p> +<p>With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and +said, "Well, you will never live to be an old man!"—<i>Sarah +Bache Hodge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A wise man never puts away childish things.—<i>Sidney +Dark</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To the old, long life and treasure;</p> +<p class="i2">To the young, all health and pleasure.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Ben Jonson</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a +regret.—<i>Disraeli</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to +count.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and +hopeful than to be forty years old.—<i>O.W. Holmes</i>.</p> +<a name="H017" id="H017"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AGENTS</h3> +<p>"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken +region?"</p> +<p>"One of the best men in the business."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H018" id="H018"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AGRICULTURE</h3> +<p>A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his +money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man +who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the +cultivators of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light +rains that during the growing season fall from time to time, are +appreciated to a degree that is unknown in the east.</p> +<p>Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was +rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his +hired man came into the house.</p> +<p>"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the +fruit-man.</p> +<p>"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work +along just the same."</p> +<p>"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The +next time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water +on the land."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">They used to have a farming rule</p> +<p class="i2">Of forty acres and a mule.</p> +<p class="i2">Results were won by later men</p> +<p class="i2">With forty square feet and a hen.</p> +<p class="i2">And nowadays success we see</p> +<p class="i2">With forty inches and a bee.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Wasp</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of +it.—<i>Charles Dudley Warner</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, +are the founders of human civilization.—<i>Daniel +Webster</i>.</p> +<a name="H019" id="H019"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ALARM CLOCKS</h3> +<p>MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)—"I fooled yez +that time. I was not aslape at all."</p> +<a name="H020" id="H020"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ALERTNESS</h3> +<p>"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one +of his political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence +bridegroom I heard of the other day. You know how bridegrooms +starting off on their honeymoons sometimes forget all about their +brides, and buy tickets only for themselves? That is what happened +to the Providence young man. And when his wife said to him, 'Why, +Tom, you bought only one ticket,' he answered without a moment's +hesitation, 'By Jove, you're right, dear! I'd forgotten myself +entirely!'"</p> +<a name="H021" id="H021"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ALIBI</h3> +<p>A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a +suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with +another vehicle. While a policeman was taking down the names of +those concerned an "English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely +asked one of the ladies how the accident had happened.</p> +<p>"I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it +occurred."</p> +<p>Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth +replied:</p> +<p>"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby."</p> +<a name="H022" id="H022"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ALIMONY</h3> +<p>"What is alimony, ma?"</p> +<p>"It is a man's cash surrender value."—<i>Town +Topics</i></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.</p> +<a name="H023" id="H023"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ALLOWANCES</h3> +<p>"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?"</p> +<p>"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it +back."</p> +<a name="H024" id="H024"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ALTERNATIVES</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Choices.</p> +<a name="H025" id="H025"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ALTRUISM</h3> +<p>WILLIE—"Pa!"</p> +<p>PA—"Yes."</p> +<p>WILLIE—"Teacher says we're here to help others."</p> +<p>PA—"Of course we are."</p> +<p>WILLIE—"Well, what are the others here for?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. +There was a trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a +rich man's estate. Permits to fish the stream could now and then be +obtained, and the boy was lucky enough to have a permit.</p> +<p>One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper +suddenly darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit +uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. +The gamekeeper pursued.</p> +<p>For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and +difficult chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him +by the arm and said between pants:</p> +<p>"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?</p> +<p>"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly.</p> +<p>"You have? Then show it to me."</p> +<p>The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and +frowned in perplexity and anger.</p> +<p>"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.</p> +<p>"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have +none!"</p> +<a name="H026" id="H026"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AMBITION</h3> +<p>Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one +night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you +no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force +people to degrade themselves by laughter?"</p> +<p>Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day +he hoped to gratify it.</p> +<p>The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in +her long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr. +Herford," she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it."</p> +<p>"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford, +simply.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Hubby," said the observant wife, "the janitor of these flats is +a bachelor."</p> +<p>"What of it?"</p> +<p>"I really think he is becoming interested in our oldest +daughter."</p> +<p>"There you go again with your pipe dreams! Last week it was a +duke."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The chief end of a man in New York is dissipation; in Boston, +conversation.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to +reach the second or even the third rank.—<i>Cicero</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The man who seeks one thing in life, and but one,</p> +<p class="i2">May hope to achieve it before life be done;</p> +<p class="i2">But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes,</p> +<p class="i2">Only reaps from the hopes which around him he +sows</p> +<p class="i2">A harvest of barren regrets.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Owen Meredith</i></p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H027" id="H027"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AMERICAN GIRL</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the dearest</p> +<p class="i4">Of all things on earth.</p> +<p class="i2">(Dearest precisely—</p> +<p class="i4">And yet of full worth.)</p> +<p class="i2">One who lays siege to</p> +<p class="i4">Susceptible hearts.</p> +<p class="i2">(Pocket-books also—</p> +<p class="i4">That's one of her arts!)</p> +<p class="i2">Drink to her, toast her,</p> +<p class="i4">Your banner unfurl—</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to the <i>priceless</i></p> +<p class="i4">American Girl!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Walter Pulitzer</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H028" id="H028"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AMERICANS</h3> +<p>Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation +turned to the subject of lynching in the United States.</p> +<p>It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans +met death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field +and asked:</p> +<p>"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"</p> +<p>"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them."</p> +<p>"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke +in half a dozen voices at once.</p> +<p>"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I +was giving a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when +a colored waiter spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at +an adjoining table. The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen +of her party at once seized the waiter, tied a rope around his +neck, and at a signal from the injured lady swung him into the +air."</p> +<p>"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you +actually see this yourself?"</p> +<p>"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment +I happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in +the blanc mange."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">You can always tell the English,</p> +<p class="i2">You can always tell the Dutch,</p> +<p class="i2">You can always tell the Yankees—</p> +<p class="i2">But you can't tell them <i>much!</i></p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H029" id="H029"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AMUSEMENTS</h3> +<p>A newspaper thus defined amusements:</p> +<p>The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has +been for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the +change of place in holding it, deaths in families, and other +amusements.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I wish that my room had a floor;</p> +<p class="i2">I don't so much care for a door;</p> +<p class="i4">But this crawling around</p> +<p class="i4">Without touching the ground</p> +<p class="i2">Is getting to be quite a bore.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people +from vice.—<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p> +<a name="H030" id="H030"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ANATOMY</h3> +<p>TOMMY—"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg +or a arm in every battle he fit in!"</p> +<p>JOHNNY—"Gee! How many battles was he in?"</p> +<p>TOMMY—"About forty."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the +first Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old +one-armed veteran.</p> +<p>"How did you lose your arm?" he asked.</p> +<p>"Sire, at Austerlitz."</p> +<p>"And were you not decorated?"</p> +<p>"No, sire."</p> +<p>"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier."</p> +<p>"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm. +What would your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?"</p> +<p>"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the +Legion."</p> +<p>Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off +his other arm.</p> +<p>There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only +question is, how did he do it?</p> +<a name="H031" id="H031"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ANCESTRY</h3> +<p>A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of +his ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. +At the time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of +checks and affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. +The salesman's patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer +to recognize him, he finally observed:</p> +<p>"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So."</p> +<p>"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers +signed the Declaration of Independence."</p> +<p>"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he +added:</p> +<p>"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers +signed the Ten Commandments."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a speech in the Senate on Hawaiian affairs, Senator Depew of +New York told this story:</p> +<p>When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English +queen's jubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the +course of the remarks that passed between the two queens, the one +from the Sandwich Islands said that she had English blood in her +veins.</p> +<p>"How so?" inquired Victoria.</p> +<p>"My ancestors ate Captain Cook."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Signor Marconi, in an interview in Washington, praised American +democracy.</p> +<p>"Over here," he said, "you respect a man for what he is +himself—not for what his family is—and thus you remind +me of the gardener in Bologna who helped me with my first wireless +apparatus.</p> +<p>"As my mother's gardener and I were working on my apparatus +together a young count joined us one day, and while he watched us +work the count boasted of his lineage.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"The gardener, after listening a long while, smiled and +said:</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>"'If you come from an ancient family, it's so much the worse for +you sir; for, as we gardeners say, the older the seed the worse the +crop.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was +eating, "do I cook as well as your mother did?"</p> +<p>Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it.</p> +<p>"Once and for all, Agatha," he said, "I beg you will remember +that although I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come +of an old and distinguished family. My mother was not a cook."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower.'"</p> +<p>"That's nothing; my father descended from an +aëroplane."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When in England, Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, had luncheon +with a prominent Englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry. +Taking a coin from his pocket, the Englishman said: "My +great-great-grandfather was made a lord by the king whose picture +you see on this shilling." "Indeed!" replied the governor, smiling, +as he produced another coin. "What a coincidence! My +great-great-grandfather was made an angel by the Indian whose +picture you see on this cent."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>People will not look forward to posterity, who never look +backward to their ancestors.—<i>Burke</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">From yon blue heavens above us bent,</p> +<p class="i2">The gardener Adam and his wife</p> +<p class="i2">Smile at the claims of long descent.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Tennyson</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H032" id="H032"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ANGER</h3> +<p>Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried +to re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible +verse, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath."</p> +<p>"Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go +down on your wrath?"</p> +<p>Charlie squirmed a little. Then:</p> +<p>"Well, how can <i>I</i> stop it?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is +the bigger.</p> +<a name="H033" id="H033"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ANNIVERSARIES</h3> +<p>MRS. JONES—"Does your husband remember your wedding +anniversary?"</p> +<p>MRS. SMITH—"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, +and get two presents."</p> +<a name="H034" id="H034"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ANTIDOTES</h3> +<p>"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were +summoned to the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a +heavy dose of oxalic acid, what would you administer?"</p> +<p>The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry +because it was obligatory in the course, replied, "I would +administer the sacrament."</p> +<a name="H035" id="H035"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>APPEARANCES</h3> +<p>"How fat and well your little boy looks."</p> +<p>"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil +on one side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the +other."</p> +<a name="H036" id="H036"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>APPLAUSE</h3> +<p>A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful +tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, +though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience, +there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected +spirits. The leading man stepped to the foot-lights after the first +act and bowed profoundly. Still the clapping continued.</p> +<p>When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand +laughing heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the +actor, throwing out his chest.</p> +<p>"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman.</p> +<p>"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply.</p> +<p>"Hand-clapping?"</p> +<p>"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to +show they appreciate me."</p> +<p>"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, +thot's not applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak +ones.—<i>Colton</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>O Popular Applause! what heart of man is proof against thy +sweet, seducing charms?—<i>Cowper</i>.</p> +<a name="H037" id="H037"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL</h3> +<p>A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the +grim details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband:</p> +<p>"This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done +to stop it?"</p> +<p>"I'm afraid not," her husband answered.</p> +<p>"Why don't both sides come together and arbitrate?" she +cried.</p> +<p>"They did," said he. "They did, 'way back in June. That's how +the gol-durned thing started."</p> +<a name="H038" id="H038"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ARITHMETIC</h3> +<p>"He seems to be very clever."</p> +<p>"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have +to work out at school."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SONNY—"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic."</p> +<p>POP—"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure +up baseball scores and batting averages? Never!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TEACHER—"Now, Johnny, suppose I should borrow $100 from +your father and should pay him $10 a month for ten months, how much +would I then owe him?"</p> +<p>JOHNNY—"About $3 interest."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"See how I can count, mama," said Kitty. "There's my right foot. +That's one. There's my left foot. That's two. Two and one make +three. Three feet make a yard, and I want to go out and play in +it!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing +smacks had an argument one day as to which was the better +mathematician," said George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally +the captain of their ship proposed the following problem which each +would try to work out: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod +and brought their catch to port and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how +much would they receive for the fish?'</p> +<p>"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able +to master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable +to get any answer.</p> +<p>"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat +the problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 +pounds of cod and—.'</p> +<p>"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'</p> +<p>"'Yep,' said the captain.</p> +<p>"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. +Here I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'"</p> +<a name="H039" id="H039"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ARMIES</h3> +<p>A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite +learned his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend +brought a pie from the canteen.</p> +<p>As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in +undress uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, +and the major stopped and said:</p> +<p>"What's that you have there?"</p> +<p>"Pie," said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a +bite?"</p> +<p>The major frowned.</p> +<p>"Do you know who I am?" he asked.</p> +<p>"No," said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom."</p> +<p>The major shook his head.</p> +<p>"Guess again," he growled.</p> +<p>"The barber from the village?"</p> +<p>"No."</p> +<p>"Maybe"—here the sentry laughed—"maybe you're the +major himself?"</p> +<p>"That's right. I am the major," was the stern reply.</p> +<p>The sentry scrambled to his feet.</p> +<p>"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I +present arms!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The battle was going against him. The commander-in-chief, +himself ruler of the South American republic, sent an aide to the +rear, ordering General Blanco to bring up his regiment at once. Ten +minutes passed; but it didn't come. Twenty, thirty, and an +hour—still no regiment. The aide came tearing back hatless, +breathless.</p> +<p>"My regiment! My regiment! Where is it? Where is it?" shrieked +the commander.</p> +<p>"General," answered the excited aide, "Blanco started it all +right, but there are a couple of drunken Americans down the road +and they won't let it go by."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An army officer decided to see for himself how his sentries were +doing their duty. He was somewhat surprised at overhearing the +following:</p> +<p>"Halt! Who goes there?"</p> +<p>"Friend—with a bottle."</p> +<p>"Pass, friend. Halt, bottle."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"A war is a fearful thing," said Mr. Dolan.</p> +<p>"It is," replied Mr. Rafferty. "When you see the fierceness of +members of the army toward one another, the fate of a common enemy +must be horrible."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Military Discipline.</p> +<a name="H040" id="H040"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ARMY RATIONS</h3> +<p>The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came +across a private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching +on something. His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only +with the greatest effort.</p> +<p>"What are you eating?" demanded the colonel.</p> +<p>"Persimmons, sir."</p> +<p>"Good Heavens! Haven't you got any more sense than to eat +persimmons at this time of the year? They'll pucker the very +stomach out of you."</p> +<p>"I know, sir. That's why I'm eatin' 'em. I'm tryin' to shrink me +stomach to fit me rations."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On the occasion of the annual encampment of a western militia, +one of the soldiers, a clerk who lived well at home, was +experiencing much difficulty in disposing of his rations.</p> +<p>A fellow-sufferer nearby was watching with no little amusement +the first soldier's attempts to Fletcherize a piece of meat. "Any +trouble, Tom?" asked the second soldier sarcastically.</p> +<p>"None in particular," was the response. Then, after a sullen +survey of the bit of beef he held in his hand, the amateur fighter +observed:</p> +<p>"Bill, I now fully realize what people mean when they speak of +the sinews of war."—<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p> +<a name="H041" id="H041"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ART</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old sculptor named Phidias,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.</p> +<p class="i4">He carved Aphrodite</p> +<p class="i4">Without any nightie—</p> +<p class="i2">Which startled the purely fastidious.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal +painter, put the finishing touches on his latest painting. He was +mystified, however, when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it +vigorously over the painted rabbit in the foreground.</p> +<p>"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked.</p> +<p>"Why you see," explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see +this picture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit, +and get excited over it, she'll buy it on the spot."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young artist once persuaded Whistler to come and view his +latest effort. The two stood before the canvas for some moments in +silence. Finally the young man asked timidly, "Don't you think, +sir, that this painting of mine +is—well—er—tolerable?"</p> +<p>Whistler's eyes twinkled dangerously.</p> +<p>"What is your opinion of a tolerable egg?" he asked.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks +and green dots.</p> +<p>The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching.</p> +<p>"Ah," said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too, +Nature has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the +lambent flame of dawn leaping across the livid east; the +red-stained, sulphurous islets floating in the lake of fire in the +west; the ragged clouds at midnight, black as a raven's wing, +blotting out the shuddering moon?"</p> +<p>"No," replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Art is indeed not the bread but the wine of life.—<i>Jean +Paul Richter</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Now nature is not at variance with art, nor art with nature; +they being both the servants of His providence. Art is the +perfection of nature. Were the world now as it was the sixth day, +there were yet a chaos. Nature hath made one world, and art +another. In brief, all things are artificial; for nature is the art +of God.—<i>Sir Thomas Browne</i>.</p> +<a name="H042" id="H042"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ARTISTS</h3> +<p>ARTIST—"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable +purpose."</p> +<p>CRITIC—"Why not give it to an institution for the +blind?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher.</p> +<p>"Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at the dear old +factory than learning to pronounce the names of the old masters in +my picture-gallery."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>CRITIC—"By George, old chap, when I look at one of your +paintings I stand and wonder—"</p> +<p>ARTIST—"How I do it?"</p> +<p>CRITIC "No; why you do it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>He that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own +genius: as he must needs paint for other minds, and not for his +own.—<i>Mrs. Jameson</i>.</p> +<a name="H043" id="H043"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ATHLETES</h3> +<p>The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, +standing on the desk of Mr. Billups.</p> +<p>"That your boy, Billups?" he asked.</p> +<p>"Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton +College."</p> +<p>"Looks intellectual rather than athletic," said the caller.</p> +<p>"Oh, he's an athlete all right," said Billups. "When it comes to +running up accounts, and jumping his board-bill, and lifting his +voice, and throwing a thirty-two pound bluff, there isn't a +gladiator in creation that can give my boy Tommie any kind of a +handicap. He's just written for an extra check."</p> +<p>"And as a proud father you are sending it, I don't doubt," +smiled the caller.</p> +<p>"Yes," grinned Billups; "I am sending him a rain-check I got at +the hall-game yesterday. As an athlete, he'll appreciate its +value."—<i>J.K.B</i>.</p> +<a name="H044" id="H044"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ATTENTION</h3> +<p>The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are +lacking in observation.</p> +<p>To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put +on the board."</p> +<p>Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote +sixty-three.</p> +<p>He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote +sixty-seven.</p> +<p>When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid +no attention called out:</p> +<p>"Theventy-theven. Change <i>that</i> you thucker!"</p> +<a name="H045" id="H045"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AUTHORS</h3> +<p>The following is a recipe for an author:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Take the usual number of fingers,</p> +<p class="i2">Add paper, manila or white,</p> +<p class="i2">A typewriter, plenty of postage</p> +<p class="i2">And something or other to write.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's <i>bon mots</i> +exclaimed: "Oh, Jimmy; I wish I had said that!" "Never mind, dear +Oscar," was the rejoinder, "you will!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>THE AUTHOR—"Would you advise me to get out a small +edition?"</p> +<p>THE PUBLISHER—"Yes, the smaller the better. The more +scarce a book is at the end of four or five centuries the more +money you realize from it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>AMBITIOUS AUTHOR—"Hurray! Five dollars for my latest +story, 'The Call of the Lure!'"</p> +<p>FAST FRIEND—"Who from?"</p> +<p>AMBITIOUS AUTHOR—"The express company. They lost it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house +succeeded in persuading her reluctant husband to stay home that +evening to assist in receiving the guests. He stood the +entertainment as long as he could—three authors, to be +exact—and then made an excuse that he was going to open the +front door to let in some fresh air. In the hall he found one of +the servants asleep on a settee.</p> +<p>"Wake up!" he commanded, shaking the fellow roughly. "What does +this mean, your being asleep out here? You must have been listening +at the keyhole."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An ambitious young man called upon a publisher and stated that +he had decided to write a book.</p> +<p>"May I venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you +propose to write?" asked the publisher, very politely.</p> +<p>"Oh," came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame, +"I think of doing something on the line of 'Les Miserables,' only +livelier, you know."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"So you have had a long siege of nervous prostration?" we say to +the haggard author. "What caused it? Overwork?"</p> +<p>"In a way, yes," he answers weakly. "I tried to do a novel with +a Robert W. Chambers hero and a Mary E. Wilkins +heroine."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of +fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early +lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, +arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed very poorly billed. I +thought I'd find out if the people knew anything at all about what +was in store for them. So I turned in at the general store. 'Good +afternoon, friend,' I said to the general storekeeper. 'Any +entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while away his +evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels, +straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I +expect there's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all +day."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An American friend of Edmond Rostand says that the great +dramatist once told him of a curious encounter he had had with a +local magistrate in a town not far from his own.</p> +<p>It appears that Rostand had been asked to register the birth of +a friend's newly arrived son. The clerk at the registry office was +an officious little chap, bent on carrying out the letter of the +law. The following dialogue ensued:</p> +<p>"Your name, sir?"</p> +<p>"Edmond Rostand."</p> +<p>"Vocation?"</p> +<p>"Man of letters, and member of the French Academy."</p> +<p>"Very well, sir. You must sign your name. Can you write? If not, +you may make a cross."—<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>George W. Cable, the southern writer, was visiting a western +city where he was invited to inspect the new free library. The +librarian conducted the famous writer through the building until +they finally reached the department of books devoted to +fiction.</p> +<p>"We have all your books, Mr. Cable," proudly said the librarian. +"You see there they are—all of them on the shelves there: not +one missing."</p> +<p>And Mr. Cable's hearty laugh was not for the reason that the +librarian thought!</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Brief History of a Successful Author: From ink-pots to +flesh-pots—<i>R.R. Kirk</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"It took me nearly ten years to learn that I couldn't write +stories."</p> +<p>"I suppose you gave it up then?"</p> +<p>"No, no. By that time I had a reputation."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I dream my stories," said Hicks, the author.</p> +<p>"How you must dread going to bed!" exclaimed Cynicus.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The five-year-old son of James Oppenheim, author of "The +Olympian," was recently asked what work he was going to do when he +became a man. "Oh," Ralph replied, "I'm not going to work at all." +"Well, what are you going to do, then?" he was asked. "Why," he +said seriously, "I'm just going to write stories, like daddy."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>William Dean Howells is the kindliest of critics, but now and +then some popular novelist's conceit will cause him to bristle up a +little.</p> +<p>"You know," said one, fishing for compliments, "I get richer and +richer, but all the same I think my work is falling off. My new +work is not so good as my old."</p> +<p>"Oh, nonsense!" said Mr. Howells. "You write just as well as you +ever did. Your taste is improving, that's all."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>James Oliver Curwood, a novelist, tells of a recent encounter +with the law. The value of a short story he was writing depended +upon a certain legal situation which he found difficult to manage. +Going to a lawyer of his acquaintance he told him the plot and was +shown a way to the desired end. "You've saved me just $100," he +exclaimed, "for that's what I am going to get for this story."</p> +<p>A week later he received a bill from the lawyer as follows: "For +literary advice, $100." He says he paid.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Tried to skin me, that scribbler did!"</p> +<p>"What did he want?"</p> +<p>"Wanted to get out a book jointly, he to write the book and I to +write the advertisements. I turned him down. I wasn't going to do +all the literary work."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a London dinner recently the conversation turned to the +various methods of working employed by literary geniuses. Among the +examples cited was that of a well-known poet, who, it is said, was +wont to arouse his wife about four o'clock in the morning and +exclaim, "Maria, get up; I've thought of a good word!" Whereupon +the poet's obedient helpmate would crawl out of bed and make a note +of the thought-of word.</p> +<p>About an hour later, like as not, a new inspiration would seize +the bard, whereupon he would again arouse his wife, saying, "Maria, +Maria, get up! I've thought of a better word!"</p> +<p>The company in general listened to the story with admiration, +but a merry-eyed American girl remarked: "Well, if he'd been my +husband I should have replied, 'Alpheus, get up yourself; I've +thought of a bad word!'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"There is probably no hell for authors in the next +world—they suffer so much from critics and publishers in +this."—<i>Bovee</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A thought upon my forehead,</p> +<p class="i4">My hand up to my face;</p> +<p class="i2">I want to be an author,</p> +<p class="i4">An air of studied grace!</p> +<p class="i2">I want to be an author,</p> +<p class="i4">With genius on my brow;</p> +<p class="i2">I want to be an author,</p> +<p class="i4">And I want to be it now!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Ella Hutchison Ellwanger</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most +knowledge, and takes from him the least time.—<i>C.C. +Colton</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Habits of close attention, thinking heads,</p> +<p class="i2">Become more rare as dissipation spreads,</p> +<p class="i2">Till authors hear at length one general cry</p> +<p class="i2">Tickle and entertain us, or we die!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Cowper</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a +mother who talks about her own children.—<i>Disraeli</i>.</p> +<a name="H046" id="H046"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AUTOMOBILES</h3> +<p>TEACHER—"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take +him to save a thousand?"</p> +<p>BOY—"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a +car."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway.</p> +<p>"Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my +income generally."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is the name of your automobile?"</p> +<p>"I don't know."</p> +<p>"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"</p> +<p>"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom +calls it 'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; +grandma, 'That Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our +neighbors, 'The Limit.'"—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' +and the 'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher.</p> +<p>Willie waved his hand frantically.</p> +<p>"Well, Willie?"</p> +<p>"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way +of automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"</p> +<p>"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the +blamed machine."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race +track.</p> +<p>The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, +called:</p> +<p>"A dollar for the car!"</p> +<p>The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and +said:</p> +<p>"Sold!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Fords; Profanity.</p> +<a name="H047" id="H047"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AUTOMOBILING</h3> +<p>"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run +ye in. We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry +Corners."</p> +<p>"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four +hours to come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only +five miles an hour."</p> +<p>"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these +here parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make +you ottermobile fellers live up to it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for +$11.25. It was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the +car paid them $115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up +on the roads of England.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"It was very romantic," says the friend. "He proposed to her in +the automobile."</p> +<p>"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly.</p> +<p>"And she accepted him in the hospital."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," +said the visitor.</p> +<p>"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you +reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a +mortgage with the money I made haulm' automobiles out o' that +mud-hole."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to +town when a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was +badly frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped +down and waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her +voice.</p> +<p>The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse +past.</p> +<p>"That's all right," said the boy, who remained composedly in the +carriage, "I can manage the horse. You just lead Mother past."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an +automobile signal?"</p> +<p>"For humane reasons." replied Mr. Chugging. "If I can paralyze a +person with fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of +him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking for +automobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who +was motoring in a sparsely settled region of the State.</p> +<p>This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the +complaint of a constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was +not, however, absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had +been driven too fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had +been progressing at the rate of only six miles an hour.</p> +<p>"Why, your Honor," he said, "my engine was out of order, and I +was going very slowly because I was afraid it would break down +completely. I give you my word, sir, you could have walked as fast +as I was running."</p> +<p>"Well," said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don't +appear to have been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time +you must have been guilty of something, or you wouldn't be here. I +fine you ten dollars for loitering."—<i>Fenimore +Martin</i>.</p> +<a name="H048" id="H048"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AVIATION</h3> +<p>The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in +his airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will +have to go down again."</p> +<p>"What's wrong?" asked her husband.</p> +<p>"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my +jacket. I think I can see it glistening on the ground."</p> +<p>"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator, "that's Lake +Erie."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>AVIATOR (to young assistant, who has begun to be +frightened)—"Well, what do you want now?"</p> +<p>ASSISTANT (whimpering)—"I want the earth."—<i>Abbie +C. Dixon</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Claude Grahame-White the famous aviator, author of "The +Aeroplane in War," was in this country not long ago, he was +spending a week-end at a country home. He tells the following story +of an incident that was very amusing to him.</p> +<p>"The first night that I arrived, a dinner party was given. +Feeling very enthusiastic over the recent flights, I began to tell +the young woman who was my partner at the table of some of the +details of the aviation sport.</p> +<p>"It was not until the dessert was brought on that I realized +that I had been doing all the talking; indeed, the young woman +seated next me had not uttered a single word since I first began +talking about aviation. Perhaps she was not interested in the +subject, I thought, although to an enthusiast like me it seemed +quite incredible.</p> +<p>"'I am afraid I have been boring you with this shop talk," I +said, feeling as if I should apologize.</p> +<p>"'Oh, not at all,' she murmured, in very polite tones; 'but +would you mind telling me, what is aviation?'"—<i>M.A. +Hitchcock</i>.</p> +<a name="H049" id="H049"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>AVIATORS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Little drops in water—</p> +<p class="i2">Little drops on land—</p> +<p class="i2">Make the aviator,</p> +<p class="i2">Join the heavenly band.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Satire</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Are you an experienced aviator?"</p> +<p>"Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all +here."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H050" id="H050"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BABIES</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Children.</p> +<a name="H051" id="H051"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BACCALAUREATE SERMONS</h3> +<p>PROUD FATHER—"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration +you'll be an honor to the family."</p> +<p>VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am +going to try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon."</p> +<a name="H052" id="H052"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BACTERIA</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There once were some learned M.D.'s,</p> +<p class="i2">Who captured some germs of disease,</p> +<p class="i4">And infected a train</p> +<p class="i4">Which, without causing pain,</p> +<p class="i2">Allowed one to catch it with ease.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital.</p> +<p>"Well," said the first, "what's new this morning?"</p> +<p>"I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact, so +cross-eyed that when she cries the tears run down her back."</p> +<p>"What are you doing for her?"</p> +<p>"Just now," was the answer, "we're treating her for +bacteria."</p> +<a name="H053" id="H053"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BADGES</h3> +<p>Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the +temperance society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, +run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance +badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. You will know +it, Addie—blue ribbon and gold lettering."</p> +<p>"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she +knew a blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and +therefore had not trouble in finding it and fastening it properly +on the dress of her mistress.</p> +<p>At the meeting Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends +to note that they smiled when they shook hands with her. When she +reached home supper was served, so she went directly to the +dining-room, where the other members of the family were seated.</p> +<p>"Gracious me, Mother!" exclaimed her son: "that blue +ribbon—you haven't been wearing that at the temperance +meeting?"</p> +<p>A loud laugh went up on all sides.</p> +<p>"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the +ribbon in surprise.</p> +<p>"Why, Mother dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I won at +the show?"</p> +<p>The gold lettering on the ribbon read:</p> +<p class="center">INTERSTATE POULTRY SHOW</p> +<table summary="First Prize" width="100%" align="center"> +<tr> +<td align="left">First Prize</td> +<td align="right">Bantam</td> +</tr> +</table> +<a name="H054" id="H054"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BAGGAGE</h3> +<p>An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, +who had done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After +their first greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow +remarked: "Feyther, you are not lookin' weel. Is there anything the +matter?" The old man replied, "Aye, lad, I have had quite an +accident." "What was that, feyther?" "Mon," he said, "on this +journey frae bonnie Scotland I lost my luggage." "Dear, dear, +that's too bad; 'oo did it happen?" "Aweel" replied the Aberdonian, +"the cork cam' oot."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Johnnie Poe, one of the famous Princeton football family, and +incidentally a great-nephew of Edgar Allan Poe, was a general in +the army of Honduras in one of their recent wars. Finally, when +things began to look black with peace and the American general +discovered that his princely pay when translated into United States +money was about sixty cents a day, he struck for the coast. There +he found a United States warship and asked transportation home.</p> +<p>"Sure," the commander told him. "We'll be glad to have you. Come +aboard whenever you like and bring your luggage."</p> +<p>"Thanks," said Poe warmly. "I'll sure do that. I only have +fifty-four pieces."</p> +<p>"What!" exclaimed the commander. "What do you think I'm running? +A freighter?"</p> +<p>"Oh, well, you needn't get excited about it," purred Poe. "My +fifty-four pieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of +playing cards."</p> +<a name="H055" id="H055"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BALDNESS</h3> +<p>One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most +fashionable way of dressing the hair was at work on the job.</p> +<p>Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap, +watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers would +slide over the smooth and glossy pate which is Father's.</p> +<p>"No waves for you, Father," remarked the little one. "You're all +beach."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized?" asked the +sentimentalist.</p> +<p>"Yes," replied the practical person. "When my mother used to cut +my hair I often wished I might be bald-headed."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Congressman Longworth is not gifted with much hair, his head +being about as shiny as a billiard ball.</p> +<p>One day ex-president Taft, then Secretary of War, and +Congressman Longworth sallied into a barbershop.</p> +<p>"Hair cut?" asked the barber of Longworth.</p> +<p>"Yes," answered the Congressman.</p> +<p>"Oh, no, Nick," commented the Secretary of War from the next +chair, "you don't want a hair cut; you want a shine."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"O, Mother, why are the men in the front baldheaded?"</p> +<p>"They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who +was mopping his bald and shining poll with a big silk +handkerchief.</p> +<p>"And what can I do for you?" he asked.</p> +<p>"I want a little help in the way of a suggestion," said the old +fellow. "I intend going to the French Students' masquerade ball +to-night, and I want a distinctly original costume—something +I may be sure no one else will wear. What would you suggest?"</p> +<p>The costumer looked him over attentively, bestowing special +notice on the gleaming knob.</p> +<p>"Well, I'll tell you," he said then, thoughtfully: "why don't +you sugar your head and go as a pill?"—<i>Frank X. +Finnegan</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald.</p> +<p>"Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him +once.</p> +<p>"Yes, a little," answered the truthful James.</p> +<p>"I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter," went on the +friend.</p> +<p>"No; it's not that so much," said the Senator. "The main bother +is when I'm washing myself—unless I keep my hat on I don't +know where my face stops."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A near-sighted old lady at a dinner-party, one evening, had for +her companion on the left a very bald-headed old gentleman. While +talking to the gentleman at her right she dropped her napkin +unconsciously. The bald-headed gentleman, in stooping to pick it +up, touched her arm. The old lady turned around, shook her head, +and very politely said: "No melon, thank you."</p> +<a name="H056" id="H056"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BANKS AND BANKING</h3> +<p>During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for +some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but +was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and +insisted on money.</p> +<p>The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little +effect. At last the president tried his hand, and after long and +minute explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be +dawning on the farmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said: +"You understand now how it is, don't you, Mr.. Schmidt?"</p> +<p>"I t'ink I do," admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it? +Ven my baby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk +ticket."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>She advanced to the paying teller's window and, handing in a +check for fifty dollars, stated that it was a birthday present from +her husband and asked for payment. The teller informed her that she +must first endorse it.</p> +<p>"I don't know what you mean," she said hesitatingly.</p> +<p>"Why, you see," he explained, "you must write your name on the +back, so that when we return the check to your husband, he will +know we have paid you the money."</p> +<p>"Oh, is that all?" she said, relieved.... One minute +elapses.</p> +<p>Thus the "endorsement": "Many thanks, dear, I've got the money. +Your loving wife, Evelyn."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FRIEND—"So you're going to make it hot for that fellow who +held up the bank, shot the cashier, and got away with the ten +thousand?"</p> +<p>BANKER—"Yes, indeed. He was entirely too fresh. There's a +decent way to do that, you know. If he wanted to get the money, why +didn't he come into the bank and work his way up the way the rest +of us did?"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<a name="H057" id="H057"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BAPTISM</h3> +<p>A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in +southern Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an +earnest but fruitless exhortation, requested all of the +congregation who wanted their souls washed white as snow to stand +up. One old darky remained sitting.</p> +<p>"Don' yo' want y' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"</p> +<p>"Mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson."</p> +<p>"Whah wuz yo' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"</p> +<p>"Over yander to the Methodis' chu'ch acrost de railroad."</p> +<p>"Brudder Jones, yo' soul wa'n't washed—hit were +dry-cleaned."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H058" id="H058"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BAPTISTS</h3> +<p>An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the +Methodist and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to +the reason for his church travels he responded:</p> +<p>"Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I +couldn't keep up wid de answerin' back in dey church. De Methodis', +dey always holdin' inquiry meetin', and I don't like too much +inquirin' into. But de Baptis', suh, dey jes' dip and are done wid +hit."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob +de Lohd." "I'se done jined," replied one of the congregation. +"Whar'd yoh jine?" asked the exhorter. "In de Baptis' Chu'ch." +"Why, chile," said the exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in +de navy."</p> +<a name="H059" id="H059"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BARGAINS</h3> +<p>MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)—"What did the lady who +just went out want?"</p> +<p>SHOPGIRL—"She inquired if we had a shoe department."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a +magnificent and endless bargain counter and I looking on without a +cent."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and +author, some years ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Church +of Evanston, Illinois. Shortly after going there he required the +services of a physician, and on the advice of one of his +parishioners called in a doctor noted for his ability properly to +emphasize a good story, but who attended church very rarely. He +proved very satisfactory to the young preacher, but for some reason +could not be induced to render a bill. Finally Dr. Hillis, becoming +alarmed at the inroads the bill might make in his modest stipend, +went to the physician and said, "See here, Doctor, I must know how +much I owe you."</p> +<p>After some urging, the physician replied: "Well, I'll tell you +what I'll do with you, Hillis. They say you're a pretty good +preacher, and you seem to think I am a fair doctor, so I'll make +this bargain with you. I'll do all I can to keep you out of heaven +if you do all you can to keep me out of hell, and it won't cost +either of us a cent. Is it a go?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"My wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club +magazines. By taking three you get a discount."</p> +<p>"How are you making out?"</p> +<p>"Well, we can get one that I don't want, and one that she +doesn't want, and one that neither wants for $2.25."</p> +<a name="H060" id="H060"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BASEBALL</h3> +<p>A run in time saves the nine.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' +a good whittler.—<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Plague take that girl!"</p> +<p>"My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town."</p> +<p>"That may be. But she obstructs my view of second base."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore +schools, had to deal with a boy who played "hookey," she failed to +impress him with the evil of his ways.</p> +<p>"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from +school to play baseball?" asked Miss Cheney.</p> +<p>"Yessum," replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good +players and pitch in the big leagues."</p> +<a name="H061" id="H061"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BATHS AND BATHING</h3> +<p>The only unoccupied room in the hotel—one with a private +bath in connection with it—was given to the stranger from +Kansas. The next morning the clerk was approached by the guest when +the latter was ready to check out.</p> +<p>"Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked.</p> +<p>"No, I didn't," replied the Kansan. "The room was all right, and +the bed was pretty good, but I couldn't sleep very much for I was +afraid some one would want to take a bath, and the only door to it +was through my room."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>RURAL CONSTABLE-"Now then, come out o' that. Bathing's not +allowed 'ere after 8 a.m."</p> +<p>THE FACE IN THE WATER-"Excuse me, Sergeant, I'm not bathing; I'm +only drowning."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A woman and her brother lived alone in the Scotch Highlands. She +knitted gloves and garments to sell in the Lowland towns. Once when +she was starting out to market her wares, her brother said he would +go with her and take a dip in the ocean. While the woman was in the +town selling her work, Sandy was sporting in the waves. When his +sister came down to join him, however, he met her with a wry face. +"Oh, Kirstie," he said, "I've lost me weskit." They hunted high and +low, but finally as night settled down decided that the waves must +have carried it out to sea.</p> +<p>The next year, at about the same season, the two again visited +the town. And while Kirstie sold her wool in the town, Sandy +splashed about in the brine. When Kirstie joined her brother she +found him with a radiant face, and he cried out to her, "Oh, +Kirstie, I've found me weskit. 'Twas under me shirt."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took +an Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two +privates were deputed to strip and wash him.</p> +<p>The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, +undressed him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff +brushes and large cakes of white soap.</p> +<p>After a long time one of the privates came back to make a +report. He saluted his officer and said disconsolately:</p> +<p>"It's no use, sir. It's no use."</p> +<p>"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you +washed that Afghan yet?"</p> +<p>"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for +two hours, but it's no use."</p> +<p>"How do you mean it's no use?" said the officer angrily.</p> +<p>"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' +him till our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another +suit of clothes."</p> +<a name="H062" id="H062"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BAZARS</h3> +<p>Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was +going along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, +pointing his pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money.</p> +<p>The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of remorse. +"It's pretty rough to be gone through like this, ain't it, sir?" he +inquired.</p> +<p>"Oh, that's all right, my man," the "held-up" one answered +cheerfully. "I was on my way to a bazar. You're first, and there's +an end of it."</p> +<a name="H063" id="H063"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BEARDS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old man with a beard,</p> +<p class="i2">Who said, "It is just as I feared!—</p> +<p class="i4">Two owls and a hen,</p> +<p class="i4">Four larks and a wren,</p> +<p class="i2">Have all built their nests in my beard."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H064" id="H064"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BEAUTY</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">If eyes were made for seeing,</p> +<p class="i2">Then beauty is its own excuse for being.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—Emerson.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A thing of beauty is a joy forever;</p> +<p class="i2">Its loveliness increases; it will never</p> +<p class="i2">Pass into nothingness; but still will keep</p> +<p class="i2">A bower quiet for us, and a sleep</p> +<p class="i2">Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet +breathing.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H065" id="H065"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BEAUTY, PERSONAL</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">In good looks I am not a star.</p> +<p class="i2">There are others more lovely by far.</p> +<p class="i4">But my face—I don't mind it,</p> +<p class="i4">Because I'm behind it—</p> +<p class="i2">It's the people in front that I jar.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Shine yer boots, sir?"</p> +<p>"No," snapped the man.</p> +<p>"Shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em?" urged the +bootblack.</p> +<p>"No, I tell you!"</p> +<p>"Coward," hissed the bootblack.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing +beside the house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you +doing here?" he asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a +criminal. For answer came a chuckle, and—"It's only mee, +zur."</p> +<p>The farmer recognized John, his shepherd.</p> +<p>"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this +time o' night?"</p> +<p>Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur."</p> +<p>"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I +never took a lantern when I courted your mistress."</p> +<p>"No, zur, you didn't, zur," John chuckled. "We can all zee you +didn't, zur."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The senator and the major were walking up the avenue. The +senator was more than middle-aged and considerably more than fat, +and, dearly as the major loved him, he also loved his joke.</p> +<p>The senator turned with a pleased expression on his benign +countenance and said, "Major, did you see that pretty girl smile at +me?"</p> +<p>"Oh, that's nothing," replied his friend. "The first time I saw +you I laughed out loud!"—<i>Harper's Magazine</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Pat, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with watch in hand: +"I'll presint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest +face within the next three minutes."</p> +<p>The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the +prize."</p> +<p>"But," protested Mrs. McGuire, "go way wid ye! I wasn't playin' +at all."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>ARTHUR—"They say dear, that people who live together get +to look alike."</p> +<p>KATE—"Then you must consider my refusal as final."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In the negro car of a railway train in one of the gulf states a +bridal couple were riding—a very light, rather good looking +colored girl and a typical full blooded negro of possibly a +reverted type, with receding forehead, protruding eyes, broad, flat +nose very thick lips and almost no chin. He was positively and +aggressively ugly.</p> +<p>They had been married just before boarding the train and, like a +good many of their white brothers and sisters, were very much +interested in each other, regardless of the amusement of their +neighbors. After various "billings and cooings" the man sank down +in the seat and, resting his head on the lady's shoulder, looked +soulfully up into her eyes.</p> +<p>She looked fondly down upon him and after a few minutes murmured +gently, "Laws, honey, ain't yo' shamed to be so han'some?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Little dabs of powder,</p> +<p class="i4">Little specks of paint,</p> +<p class="i2">Make my lady's freckles</p> +<p class="i4">Look as if they ain't.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Mary A. Fairchild</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">He kissed her on the cheek,</p> +<p class="i4">It seemed a harmless frolic;</p> +<p class="i2">He's been laid up a week</p> +<p class="i4">They say, with painter's colic.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>The Christian Register</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MOTHER (to inquisitive child)—"Stand aside. Don't you see +the gentleman wants to take the lady's picture?"</p> +<p>"Why does he want to?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One day, while walking with a friend in San Francisco, a +professor and his companion became involved in an argument as to +which was the handsomer man of the two. Not being able to arrive at +a settlement of the question, they agreed, in a spirit of fun, to +leave it to the decision of a Chinaman who was seen approaching +them. The matter being laid before him, the Oriental considered +long and carefully; then he announced in a tone of finality, "Both +are worse."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What a homely woman!"</p> +<p>"Sir, that is my wife. I'll have you understand it is a woman's +privilege to be homely."</p> +<p>"Gee, then she abused the privilege."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and +the beholder.—<i>Zimmermann</i>.</p> +<a name="H066" id="H066"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BEDS</h3> +<p>A western politician tells the following story as illustrating +the inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of +the country.</p> +<p>Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, +where he was to make a speech the following day, he found that the +so-called hotel was crowded to the doors. Not having telegraphed +for accommodations, the politician discovered that he would have to +make shift as best he could. Accordingly, he was obliged for that +night to sleep on a wire cot which had only some blankets and a +sheet on it. As the politician is an extremely fat man, he found +his improvised bed anything but comfortable.</p> +<p>"How did you sleep?" asked a friend in the morning.</p> +<p>"Fairly well," answered the fat man, "but I looked like a waffle +when I got up."</p> +<a name="H067" id="H067"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BEER</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A man to whom illness was chronic,</p> +<p class="i2">When told that he needed a tonic,</p> +<p class="i4">Said, "O Doctor dear,</p> +<p class="i4">Won't you please make it beer?"</p> +<p class="i2">"No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H068" id="H068"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BEES</h3> +<p>TEACHER—"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy +Bee'?"</p> +<p>TOMMY—"No; I only know he doth it!"</p> +<a name="H069" id="H069"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BEETLES</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Now doth the frisky June Bug</p> +<p class="i4">Bring forth his aeroplane,</p> +<p class="i2">And try to make a record,</p> +<p class="i4">And busticate his brain!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">He bings against the mirror,</p> +<p class="i4">He bangs against the door,</p> +<p class="i2">He caroms on the ceiling,</p> +<p class="i4">And turtles on the floor!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">He soars aloft, erratic,</p> +<p class="i4">He lands upon my neck,</p> +<p class="i2">And makes me creep and shiver,</p> +<p class="i4">A neurasthenic wreck!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Charles Irvin Junkin</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H070" id="H070"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BEGGING</h3> +<p>THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)—"Poor man! And +are you married?"</p> +<p>BEGGAR—"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on +total strangers for support if I had a wife?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MAN—"Is there any reason why I should give you five +cents?"</p> +<p>BOY—"Well, if I had a nice high hat like yours I wouldn't +want it soaked with snowballs."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MILLIONAIRE (to ragged beggar)—"You ask alms and do not +even take your hat off. Is that the proper way to beg?"</p> +<p>BEGGAR—"Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from +across the street. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for +begging; as it is, he naturally takes us for old friends."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop," was +attending a meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp +accosted a group of churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for +aid.</p> +<p>"No," one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But +you see that big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot.</p> +<p>"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very +generous man. You might try him."</p> +<p>The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others +watched with interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the +tramp's face. The bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked +troubled. And then, finally, they saw something pass from one hand +to the other. The tramp tried to slink past the group without +speaking, but one of them called to him:</p> +<p>"Well, did you get something from our young brother?"</p> +<p>The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No," he admitted, "I gave him a +dollar for his damned new cathedral at Laramie!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To get thine ends, lay bashfulnesse aside;</p> +<p class="i2">Who feares to aske, doth teach to be deny'd.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Herrick</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Well, whiles I am a beggar I will rail</p> +<p class="i2">And say, there is no sin but to be rich;</p> +<p class="i2">And being rich, my virtue then shall be</p> +<p class="i2">To say, there is no vice but beggary.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Flattery; Millionaires.</p> +<a name="H071" id="H071"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BETTING</h3> +<p>The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting.</p> +<p>"I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can +fire twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly +without waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that I +can."</p> +<p>"Done!" cried a major.</p> +<p>The whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the +experiment tried.</p> +<p>The lieutenant fired.</p> +<p>"Miss," he calmly announced.</p> +<p>A second shot.</p> +<p>"Miss," he repeated.</p> +<p>A third shot.</p> +<p>"Miss."</p> +<p>"Here, there! Hold on!" protested the major. "What are you +trying to do? You're not shooting for the target at all."</p> +<p>"Of course not," admitted the lieutenant. "I'm firing for those +cigars." And he got them.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of +New York City, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name, +one of them said:</p> +<p>"Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will +have them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in +and pay for them."</p> +<p>As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their +temperance beverage, the druggist asked them what the wager +was.</p> +<p>"Well," said one of them, "our friend George bets that when the +tower of the Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the +North River, and I bet that it won't."</p> +<a name="H072" id="H072"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BIBLE INTERPRETATION</h3> +<p>"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my +papa's got?" asked Percy of his governess.</p> +<p>"Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?"</p> +<p>"Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Mr. Preacher," said a white man to a colored minister who was +addressing his congregation, "you are talking about Cain, and you +say he got married in the land of Nod, after he killed Abel. But +the Bible mentions only Adam and Eve as being on earth at that +time. Who, then, did Cain marry?"</p> +<p>The colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt. "Huh!" he +said, "you hear dat, brederen an' sisters? You hear dat fool +question I am axed? Cain, he went to de land o' Nod just as de Good +Book tells us, an' in de land o' Nod Cain gits so lazy an' so +shif'less dat he up an' marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore +white trash families dat de inspired apostle didn't consider +fittin' to mention in de Holy Word."</p> +<a name="H073" id="H073"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BIGAMY</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There once was an old man of Lyme.</p> +<p class="i2">Who married three wives at a time:</p> +<p class="i4">When asked, "Why a third?"</p> +<p class="i4">He replied, "One's absurd!</p> +<p class="i2">And bigamy, sir, is a crime."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H074" id="H074"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BILLS</h3> +<p>The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised +to "When there's a bill we're away."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>YOUNG DOCTOR—"Why do you always ask your patients what +they have for dinner?"</p> +<p>OLD DOCTOR—"It's a most important question, for according +to their menus I make out my bills."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, +hired him to drive her to the various points of interest around the +country. He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving +such items of information as he possessed.</p> +<p>The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be +necessary for you to talk."</p> +<p>When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge +marked "Extra."</p> +<p>"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.</p> +<p>"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, +but when I do I charge for it."—<i>E. Egbert</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>PATIENT (<i>angrily</i>)—"The size of your bill makes my +blood boil."</p> +<p>DOCTOR—"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your +system."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five +doctors were in consultation as to the best means of producing a +perspiration.</p> +<p>The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for +a few moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered +with a dry chuckle:</p> +<p>"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at +once."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of," said Bilkins, +fervently, as he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated +October 1st.</p> +<p>"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins.</p> +<p>"Oh, no," said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have +come in and I don't have to keep these any longer."</p> +<a name="H075" id="H075"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BIRTHDAYS</h3> +<p>When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman +has a birthday she takes a year off.</p> +<a name="H076" id="H076"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BLUFFING</h3> +<p>Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he +was a member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man +without any money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the +box-office in a small town and said:</p> +<p>"Pass me in, please."</p> +<p>The box-office man gave a loud, harsh laugh.</p> +<p>"Pass you in? What for?" he asked.</p> +<p>The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily:</p> +<p>"What for? Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the +play."</p> +<p>"Oh, I beg your pardon, sir," replied the box-office man, as he +hurriedly wrote out an order for a box.</p> +<a name="H077" id="H077"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BLUNDERS</h3> +<p>An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young +woman with a determined air. She addressed the first salesman she +saw. "I want to look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra +magnifying power."</p> +<p>"Yes, ma'am," replied the salesman; "something very strong?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful +blunder which I never want to repeat."</p> +<p>"Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?"</p> +<p>"No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a +black-berry."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch +steward, an Irishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45. The +usual instructions to bury the body were given. Some hours later +the doctor peeked into the room and found that the body was still +there. He called the Irishman's attention to the matter and the +latter replied:</p> +<p>"I thought you said room 46. I wint to that room and noticed wan +of thim in a bunk. 'Are ye dead?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'but I'm +pretty near dead.'</p> +<p>"So I buried him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a +joke in consequence. The story is told by a telephone operator in +one of the Boston exchanges about a man who asked her for the +number of a local theater.</p> +<p>He got the wrong number and, without asking to whom he was +talking, he said, "Can I get a box for two to-night?"</p> +<p>A startled voice answered him at the other end of the line, "We +don't have boxes for two."</p> +<p>"Isn't this the —— Theater?" he called crossly.</p> +<p>"Why, no," was the answer, "this is an undertaking shop."</p> +<p>He canceled his order for a "box for two."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours +of the morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the +doorway.</p> +<p>"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?"</p> +<p>"Yep."</p> +<p>"Do you live in this house?"</p> +<p>"Yep."</p> +<p>"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"</p> +<p>"Yep."</p> +<p>With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping +figure up the stairway to the second floor.</p> +<p>"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"</p> +<p>"Yep."</p> +<p>Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for +a companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door +he came to and pushed the limp figure in.</p> +<p>The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was +passing through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim +outlines of another man, apparently in worse condition than the +first one.</p> +<p>"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"</p> +<p>"Yep," was the feeble reply.</p> +<p>"Do you live in this house, too?"</p> +<p>"Yep."</p> +<p>"Shall I help you upstairs?"</p> +<p>"Yep."</p> +<p>The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second +floor, where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door +and pushed him in.</p> +<p>As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third +man, evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about +to approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into +the street and threw himself into the arms of a passing +policeman.</p> +<p>"For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that +man. He's done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n +throw me down th' elevator shaf."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young man from the city,</p> +<p class="i2">Who met what he thought was a kitty;</p> +<p class="i4">He gave it a pat,</p> +<p class="i4">And said, "Nice little cat!"</p> +<p class="i2">And they buried his clothes out of pity.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H078" id="H078"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOASTING</h3> +<p>Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in the +world couldn't if he tried.</p> +<p>"What sort of chap is he?"</p> +<p>"Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell you +he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his.'"—<i>R.R. +Kirk</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>WILLIE—"All the stores closed on the day my uncle +died."</p> +<p>TOMMY—"That's nothing. All the banks closed for three +weeks the day after my pa left town."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:</p> +<p>"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that when +he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows he kisses us +all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following +Saturday."</p> +<p>"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked.</p> +<p>"Because the barn is so far away from the house."</p> +<p>"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my +father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger +than a city lot!"</p> +<p>"Why, how big is your father's farm?"</p> +<p>"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples +out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back by +their grandchildren."</p> +<a name="H079" id="H079"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BONANZAS</h3> +<p>A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine +speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing the +subject of his speculation, when one of them said to this Western +member:</p> +<p>"Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition of the term, +'bonanza.'"</p> +<p>"A 'bonanza,'" replied the Western man with emphasis, "is a hole +in the ground owned by a champion liar!"</p> +<a name="H080" id="H080"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOOKKEEPING</h3> +<p>Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays, and at +his father's request produced his account book, duly kept at +school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and frequently. +"Darling boy," fondly exclaimed his doting mamma: "see how good he +is—always giving to the missionaries." But Tommy's sister +knew him better than even his mother did, and took the first +opportunity of privately inquiring what those mystic letters stood +for. Nor was she surprised ultimately to find that they +represented, not the venerable Society for the Propagation of the +Gospel, but "Sundries, Probably Grub."</p> +<a name="H081" id="H081"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOOKS AND READING</h3> +<p>LADY PRESIDENT—"What book has helped you most?"</p> +<p>NEW MEMBER—"My husband's check-book."—<i>Martha +Young</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare, Goethe +and Emerson—also something to read."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, women and +readers.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against +the practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice he showed +his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he. "Every one +of those books was lent me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in +literature, the oldest.—<i>Bulwer-Lytton</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Learning hath gained most by those books by which the Printers +have lost.—<i>Fuller</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Books should to one of these four ends conduce,</p> +<p class="i2">For wisdom, piety, delight, or use.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Sir John Denham</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A darky meeting another coming from the library with a book +accosted him as follows:</p> +<p>"What book you done got there, Rastus?"</p> +<p>"'Last Days of Pompeii.'"</p> +<p>"Last days of Pompey? Is Pompey dead? I never heard about it. +Now what did Pompey die of?"</p> +<p>"I don't 'xactly know, but it must hab been some kind of +'ruption."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I don't know what to give Lizzie for a Christmas present," one +chorus girl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing +the gift to be made to a third.</p> +<p>"Give her a book," suggested the other.</p> +<p>And the first one replied meditatively, "No, she's got a +book."—<i>Literary Digest</i>.</p> +<a name="H082" id="H082"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING</h3> +<p>A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending +orders:</p> +<table summary="AS ORDERED-CORRECT TITLE" align="center" width= +"80%"> +<tr> +<td align="center">AS ORDERED</td> +<td> </td> +<td align="center">CORRECT TITLE</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Lame as a Roble</td> +<td> </td> +<td class="caption">Les Misérables</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">God's Image in Mud</td> +<td> </td> +<td class="caption">God's Image in Man</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Pair of Saucers</td> +<td> </td> +<td class="caption">Paracelsus</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Pierre and His Poodle</td> +<td> </td> +<td class="caption">Pierre and His People</td> +</tr> +</table> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When a customer in a Boston department store asked a clerk for +Hichens's <i>Bella Donna</i>, the reply was, "Drug counter, third +aisle over."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was a few days before Christmas in one of New York's large +book-stores.</p> +<p>CLERK—"What is it, please?"</p> +<p>CUSTOMER—"I would like Ibsen's <i>A Doll's House</i>."</p> +<p>CLERK—"To cut out?"</p> +<a name="H083" id="H083"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOOKWORMS</h3> +<p>"A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read +than eat, or it is a worm that would rather eat than read."</p> +<a name="H084" id="H084"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOOMERANGS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Repartee; Retaliation.</p> +<a name="H085" id="H085"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BORES</h3> +<p>"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just +mentioned? I don't believe I have met him."</p> +<p>"Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of +them looks bored to death, the other is +Gabbleton."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great +athlete. He could throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any +gathering.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See</i> also Conversation; Husbands; Preaching; Public +speakers; Reformers.</p> +<a name="H086" id="H086"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BORROWERS</h3> +<p>A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been +a power in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the +Pontchartrain Hotel and said:</p> +<p>"What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my +life. A paper down in Muncie, Ind., offered me a job."</p> +<p>"Do you call that an insult?"</p> +<p>"Not the job, but the salary. They offered me twelve dollars a +week."</p> +<p>"Well," said the friend, "twelve dollars a week is better than +nothing."</p> +<p>"Twelve a week—thunder!" exclaimed the old scribe. "I can +borrow more than that right here in Detroit."—<i>Detroit Free +Press</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money, +went to the Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his +personal note. He was told that while his credit was perfectly +good, it was the inflexible rule of the bank to require an +indorser. The great statesman hunted up Daniel Webster and asked +him to indorse the note.</p> +<p>"With pleasure," said Webster. "But I need some money myself. +Why not make your note for five hundred, and you and I will split +it?"</p> +<p>This they did. And to-day the note is in the Riggs +Bank—unpaid.</p> +<a name="H087" id="H087"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOSSES</h3> +<p>The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell.</p> +<p>"Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to +the door.</p> +<p>"I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance +agent. "Are you the boss?"</p> +<p>"No," meekly returned the man who came to the door; "I'm only +the husband of the boss. Step in, I'll call the boss."</p> +<p>The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time +a tall dignified woman appeared.</p> +<p>"So you want to see the boss?" repeated the woman. "Well, just +step into the kitchen. This way, please. Bridget, this gentleman +desires to see you."</p> +<p>"Me th' boss!" exclaimed Bridget, when the insurance agent asked +her the question. "Indade Oi'm not! Sure here comes th' boss +now."</p> +<p>She pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward +the house.</p> +<p>"Tell me," pleaded the insurance agent, when the lad came into +the kitchen, "are you the boss of the house?"</p> +<p>"Want to see the boss?" asked the boy. "Well, you just come with +me."</p> +<p>Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. He was +ushered into a room on the second floor and guided to the crib of a +sleeping baby.</p> +<p>"There!" exclaimed the boy, "that's the real boss of this +house."</p> +<a name="H088" id="H088"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOSTON</h3> +<p>A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his +lonely cabin in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful +and happy." "Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent +a week in Boston once, and no matter what happens to me now, it +seems good luck in comparison."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little Boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and +quite an angelic appearance in general, came in from an afternoon +walk with her nurse and said to her mother, "Oh, Mamma, a strange +woman on the street said to me, 'My, but ain't you got beautiful +hair!'"</p> +<p>The mother smiled, for the compliment was well merited, but she +gasped as the child innocently continued her account:</p> +<p>"I said to her, 'I am very glad to have you like my hair, but I +am sorry to hear you use the word "ain't"!'"—<i>E. R. +Bickford</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>NAN—"That young man from Boston is an interesting talker, +so far as you can understand what he says; but what a queer dialect +he uses."</p> +<p>FAN—"That isn't dialect; it's vocabulary. Can't you tell +the difference?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was +asked the usual questions:</p> +<p>"What is your name, and where are you from?"</p> +<p>The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston."</p> +<p>"You may come in," said Peter, "but I know you won't like +it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady from Boston,</p> +<p class="i2">A two-horned dilemma was tossed on,</p> +<p class="i4">As to which was the best,</p> +<p class="i4">To be rich in the west</p> +<p class="i2">Or poor and peculiar in Boston.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H089" id="H089"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOXING</h3> +<p>John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving +boxing lessons.</p> +<p>"Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky +young man took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse +for wear. When he came around for his second lesson he said: 'Mr +Sullivan, it was my idea to learn enough about boxing from you to +be able to lick a certain young gentleman what I've got it in for. +But I've changed my mind,' says he. 'If it's all the same to you, +Mr. Sullivan, I'll send this young gentleman down here to take the +rest of my lessons for me.'"</p> +<a name="H090" id="H090"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BOYS</h3> +<p>A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical +advent of earthquakes. One year before the season of these +terrestrial disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone, +sent his two sons to the home of a brother in England, to secure +them from the impending havoc.</p> +<p>Evidently the quiet of the staid English household was disturbed +by the irruption of the two West Indians, for the returning mail +steamer carried a message to Mr. X., brief but emphatic:</p> +<p>"Take back your boys; send me the earthquake."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Aunt Eliza came up the walk and said to her small nephew: "Good +morning, Willie. Is your mother in?"</p> +<p>"Sure she's in," replied Willie truculently. "D'you s'pose I'd +be workin' in the garden on Saturday morning if she wasn't?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An iron hoop bounded through the area railings of a suburban +house and played havoc with the kitchen window. The woman waited, +anger in her eyes, for the appearance of the hoop's owner. +Presently he came.</p> +<p>"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and here's Father +to mend it."</p> +<p>And, sure enough, he was followed by a stolid-looking workman, +who at once started to work, while the small boy took his hoop and +ran off.</p> +<p>"That'll be four bits, ma'am," announced the glazier when the +window was whole once more.</p> +<p>"Four bits!" gasped the woman. "But your little boy broke +it—the little fellow with the hoop, you know. You're his +father, aren't you?"</p> +<p>The stolid man shook his head.</p> +<p>"Don't know him from Adam," he said. "He came around to my place +and told me his mother wanted her winder fixed. You're his mother, +aren't you?"</p> +<p>And the woman shook her head also.—<i>Ray Trum +Nathan</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Egotism; Employers and employees; Office +boys.</p> +<a name="H091" id="H091"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BREAKFAST FOODS</h3> +<p>Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted +ears of corn.</p> +<p>"You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food," +interpreted Joseph.—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<a name="H092" id="H092"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BREATH</h3> +<p>One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. +She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the +body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said:</p> +<p>"Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Said the bibulous gentleman who had been reading birth and death +statistics: "Do you know, James, every time I breathe a man +dies?"</p> +<p>"Then," said James, "why don't you chew cloves?"</p> +<a name="H093" id="H093"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BREVITY</h3> +<p>An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity +of the Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat +down.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a +dinner party, was directed to call out in a loud, distinct voice +their names. The first to arrive was the Fitzgerald family, +numbering eight persons. The negro announced Major Fitzgerald, Miss +Fitzgerald, Master Fitzgerald, and so on.</p> +<p>This so annoyed the master that he went to the negro and said, +"Don't announce each person like that; say something shorter."</p> +<p>The next to arrive were Mr. and Mrs. Penny and their daughter. +The negro solemnly opened the door and called out, "Thrupence!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Dr. Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, was a man of few +words, but he once met his match—in a woman. She called at +his office in Edinburgh, one day, with a hand badly inflamed and +swollen. The following dialogue, opened by the doctor, took +place.</p> +<p>"Burn?"</p> +<p>"Bruise."</p> +<p>"Poultice."</p> +<p>The next day the woman called, and the dialogue was as +follows:</p> +<p>"Better?"</p> +<p>"Worse."</p> +<p>"More poultice."</p> +<p>Two days later the woman made another call.</p> +<p>"Better?"</p> +<p>"Well. Fee?"</p> +<p>"Nothing. Most sensible woman I ever saw."</p> +<a name="H094" id="H094"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BRIBERY</h3> +<p>A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an +agreement in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge +this jury."</p> +<p>One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a +rebuke, obstinately faced the judge.</p> +<p>"You can't discharge me," he said in tones of one standing upon +his rights.</p> +<p>"And why not?" asked the surprised judge.</p> +<p>"Because," announced the juror, pointing to the lawyer for the +defense, "I'm being hired by that man there!"</p> +<a name="H095" id="H095"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BRIDES</h3> +<p>"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk +from the dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed +that there's never cream on this milk?"</p> +<p>"I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he +explained that the company always fill their bottles so full that +there's no room for cream on top."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Do you think only of me?" murmured the bride. "Tell me that you +think only of me."</p> +<p>"It's this way," explained the groom gently. "Now and then I +have to think of the furnace, my dear."</p> +<a name="H096" id="H096"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BRIDGE WHIST</h3> +<p>"How about the sermon?"</p> +<p>"The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at +bridge."</p> +<p>"You don't say! Did he mention any names?"</p> +<a name="H097" id="H097"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BROOKLYN</h3> +<p>At the Brooklyn Bridge.—"Madam, do you want to go to +Brooklyn?"</p> +<p>"No, I have to."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H098" id="H098"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS</h3> +<p>Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ +Clark's friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch +fobs so popular during the election. On being asked the reason for +this, Champ replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch running."</p> +<a name="H099" id="H099"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BUILDINGS</h3> +<p>Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New +York.</p> +<p>"Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" +asked the parish priest.</p> +<p>"Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last +one I worked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon +pass."</p> +<a name="H100" id="H100"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BURGLARS</h3> +<p>A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of +stowing a good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a +touch on the shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a +venerable, mild-eyed clergyman gazing sadly at him.</p> +<p>"Oh, my brother," groaned the reverend gentleman, "wouldst thou +rob me? Turn, I beseech thee—turn from thy evil ways. Return +those stolen goods and depart in peace, for I am merciful and +forgive. Begone!"</p> +<p>And the burglar, only too thankful at not being given into +custody of the police, obeyed and slunk swiftly off.</p> +<p>Then the good old man carefully and quietly packed the swag into +another bag and walked softly (so as not to disturb the slumber of +the inmates) out of the house and away into the silent night.</p> +<a name="H101" id="H101"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BUSINESS</h3> +<p>A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, +while cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought +forth the following:</p> +<p>"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sir."</p> +<p>"Do you drink yourself?"</p> +<p>"That's <i>my</i> business!" angrily.</p> +<p>Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other +business?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At the Boston Immigration Station one blank was recently filled +out as follows:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Name—Abraham Cherkowsky.</p> +<p class="i4">Born—Yes.</p> +<p class="i4">Business—Rotten.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H102" id="H102"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BUSINESS ENTERPRISE</h3> +<p>It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same +block. One morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a +big sign—"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left—"Closing Out +at Cost." Twenty minutes later there appeared over his own door, in +larger letters, "Main Entrance."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a section of Washington where there are a number of hotels +and cheap restaurants, one enterprising concern has displayed in +great illuminated letters, "Open All Night." Next to it was a +restaurant bearing with equal prominence the legend:</p> +<p>"We Never Close."</p> +<p>Third in order was a Chinese laundry in a little, low-framed, +tumbledown hovel, and upon the front of this building was the sign, +in great, scrawling letters:</p> +<p>"Me wakee, too."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A boy looking for something to do saw the sign "Boy Wanted" +hanging outside of a store in New York. He picked up the sign and +entered the store.</p> +<p>The proprietor met him. "What did you bring that sign in here +for?" asked the storekeeper.</p> +<p>"You won't need it any more," said the boy cheerfully. "I'm +going to take the job."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Chinaman found his wife lying dead in a field one morning; a +tiger had killed her.</p> +<p>The Chinaman went home, procured some arsenic, and, returning to +the field, sprinkled it over the corpse.</p> +<p>The next day the tiger's dead body lay beside the woman's. The +Chinaman sold the tiger's skin to a mandarin, and its body to a +physician to make fear-cure powders, and with the proceeds he was +able to buy a younger wife.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A rather simple-looking lad halted before a blacksmith's shop on +his way home from school and eyed the doings of the proprietor with +much interest.</p> +<p>The brawny smith, dissatisfied with the boy's curiosity, held a +piece of red-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose, hoping +to make him beat a hasty retreat.</p> +<p>"If you'll give me half a dollar I'll lick it," said the +lad.</p> +<p>The smith took from his pocket half a dollar and held it +out.</p> +<p>The simple-looking youngster took the coin, licked it, dropped +it in his pocket and slowly walked away whistling.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Do you know where Johnny Locke lives, my little boy?" asked a +gentle-voiced old lady.</p> +<p>"He aint home, but if you give me a penny I'll find him for you +right off," replied the lad.</p> +<p>"All right, you're a nice little boy. Now where is he?"</p> +<p>"Thanks—I'm him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"From each according to his ability, to each according to his +need," would seem to be the principle of the Chinese storekeeper +whom a traveler tells about. The Chinaman asked $2.50 for five +pounds of tea, while he demanded $7.50 for ten pounds of the same +brand. His business philosophy was expressed in these words of +explanation: "More buy, more rich—more rich, more can +pay!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a New York street a wagon loaded with lamp globes collided +with a truck and many of the globes were smashed. Considerable +sympathy was felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the +shattered fragments. A benevolent-looking old gentleman eyed him +compassionately.</p> +<p>"My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good +this loss out of your own pocket?"</p> +<p>"Yep," was the melancholy reply.</p> +<p>"Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out +your hat—here's a quarter for you; and I dare say some of +these other people will give you a helping hand too."</p> +<p>The driver held out his hat and several persons hastened to drop +coins in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied +the contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the +retreating figure of the philanthropist who had started the +collection, he observed: "Say, maybe he ain't the wise guy! That's +me boss!"</p> +<a name="H103" id="H103"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BUSINESS ETHICS</h3> +<p>"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and +you pay your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?"</p> +<p>"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly.</p> +<p>"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.</p> +<p>"No, ma'am, I know it ain't," said Johnny, "but they all do +it."</p> +<a name="H104" id="H104"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>BUSINESS WOMEN</h3> +<p>Wanted—A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object +matrimony.</p> +<a name="H105" id="H105"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CAMPAIGNS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Candidates; Public speakers.</p> +<a name="H106" id="H106"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CAMPING</h3> +<p>Camp life is just one canned thing after another.</p> +<a name="H107" id="H107"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CANDIDATES</h3> +<p>"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my +name as a candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring +parish to speak," said Private John Allen recently to some friends +at the old Metropolitan Hotel in Washington.</p> +<p>"An old darky came up to greet me after the meeting. 'Marse +Allen,' he said, 'I's powerful glad to see you. I's known ob you +sense you was a babby. Knew yoh pappy long befo' you-all wuz bohn, +too. He used to hold de same office you got now. I 'members how he +held dat same office fo' years an' years.'</p> +<p>"'What office do you mean, uncle?' I asked, as I never knew pop +held any office.</p> +<p>"'Why, de office ob candidate, Marse John; yoh pappy was +candidate fo' many years.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was +traveling down in North Carolina, when he met an old darky one +Sunday morning. He had known the old man for many years, so he took +the liberty of inquiring where he was going.</p> +<p>"I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of +de Lord."</p> +<p>"Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance.</p> +<p>"No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian."</p> +<p>"Maybe you are a Baptist?"</p> +<p>"No, sah, I can't say dat I's ever been buried wid de Lord in de +waters of baptism."</p> +<p>"Oh, I see you are a Methodist."</p> +<p>"No, sah, I can't say dat I's one of dose who hold to argyments +of de faith of de Medodists."</p> +<p>"What are you, then, uncle?"</p> +<p>"I's a Presbyterian, Marse Zeb, just de same as you is."</p> +<p>"Oh nonsense, uncle, you don't mean to say that you subscribe to +all the articles of the Presbyterian faith?"</p> +<p>"'Deed I do sah."</p> +<p>"Do you believe in the doctrine of election to be saved?"</p> +<p>"Yas, sah, I b'lieve in the doctrine of 'lection most firmly and +un'quivactin'ly."</p> +<p>"Well then tell me do you believe that I am elected to be +saved?"</p> +<p>The old darky hesitated. There was undoubtedly a terrific +struggle going on in his mind between his veracity and his desire +to be polite to the Senator. Finally he compromised by saying:</p> +<p>"Well, I'll tell you how it is, Marse Zeb. You see I's never +heard of anybody bein' 'lected to anything for what they wasn't a +candidate. Has you, sah?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A political office in a small town was vacant. The office paid +$250 a year and there was keen competition for it. One of the +candidates, Ezekiel Hicks, was a shrewd old fellow, and a neat +campaign fund was turned over to him. To the astonishment of all, +however, he was defeated.</p> +<p>"I can't account for it," said one of the leaders of Hicks' +party, gloomily.</p> +<p>"With that money we should have won. How did you lay it out, +Ezekiel."</p> +<p>"Well," said Ezekiel, slowly pulling his whiskers, "yer see that +office only pays $250 a year salary, an' I didn't see no sense in +paying $900 out to get the office, so I bought a little truck farm +instead."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The little daughter of a Democratic candidate for a local office +in Saratoga County, New York, when told that her father had got the +nomination, cried out, "Oh, mama, do they ever die of it?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I am willing," said the candidate, after he had hit the table a +terrible blow with his fist, "to trust the people."</p> +<p>"Gee!" yelled a little man in the audience. "I wish you'd open a +grocery."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Now, Mr. Blank," said a temperance advocate to a candidate for +municipal honors, "I want to ask you a question. Do you ever take +alcoholic drinks?"</p> +<p>"Before I answer the question," responded the wary +candidate,</p> +<p>"I want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an +invitation!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Politicians.</p> +<a name="H108" id="H108"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CANNING AND PRESERVING</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A canner, exceedingly canny,</p> +<p class="i2">One morning remarked to his granny,</p> +<p class="i4">"A canner can can</p> +<p class="i4">Anything that he can;</p> +<p class="i2">But a canner can't can a can, can he?"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—Carolyn Wells.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H109" id="H109"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CAPITALISTS</h3> +<p>Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: +"Bishop Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his +pulpit utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist +of Fond du Lac arose in a church meeting and asked leave to speak. +The bishop gave him the floor, and the man delivered himself of a +long panegyric upon captains of industry, upon the good they do by +giving men work, by booming the country, by reducing the cost of +production, and so forth. When the capitalist had finished his +self-praise and, flushed and satisfied, had sat down again, Bishop +Grafton rose and said with quiet significance: 'Is there any other +sinner that would like to say a word?'"</p> +<a name="H110" id="H110"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CAREFULNESS</h3> +<p>Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to +the Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. +When the butler admitted him he said to Dugan:</p> +<p>"You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just +been polished."</p> +<p>"They's no danger iv me slippin' on thim," replied Dugan. "I hov +spikes in me shoes."—<i>Lippincott's</i>.</p> +<a name="H111" id="H111"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CARPENTERS</h3> +<p>While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had +occasion to employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain +Connecticut Yankee, without any frills.</p> +<p>"You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir."</p> +<p>"You can make doors, windows, and blinds?"</p> +<p>"Oh, yes sir!"</p> +<p>"How would you make a Venetian blind?"</p> +<p>The man scratched his head and thought deeply for a few seconds. +"I should think, sir," he said finally, "about the best way would +be to punch him in the eye."</p> +<a name="H112" id="H112"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CARVING</h3> +<p>To Our National Birds—the Eagle and the +Turkey—(while the host is carving):</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">May one give us peace in all our States,</p> +<p class="i2">And the other a piece for all our plates.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H113" id="H113"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CASTE</h3> +<p>In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the +old style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, +banjoists, and other musicians on a platform at one end.</p> +<p>At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the +fiddlers had duly resined their bows and taken their places on the +platform, the floor manager rose.</p> +<p>"Git yo' partners fo' de nex' dance!" he yelled. "All you ladies +an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' stockin's, take yo' places in de +middle of de room. All you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes +an' no stockin's, take yo' places immejitly behim' dem. An' yo' +barfooted crowd, you jes' jig it roun' in de +corners."—<i>Taylor Edwards</i>.</p> +<a name="H114" id="H114"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CATS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady whose dream</p> +<p class="i2">Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream,</p> +<p class="i4">But the cat with a bound</p> +<p class="i4">Spilt the milk on the ground,</p> +<p class="i2">So she fed a whipt cat on black cream.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There once were two cats in Kilkenny,</p> +<p class="i2">And each cat thought that there was one cat too +many,</p> +<p class="i2">And they scratched and they fit and they tore and +they bit,</p> +<p class="i2">'Til instead of two cats—there weren't any.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H115" id="H115"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CAUSE AND EFFECT</h3> +<p>Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He +replied that once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and +so sleepy all the afternoon that he determined never to do it +again.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone +the other morning and during the conversation asked what the baby +was doing.</p> +<p>"She was crying her eyes out," replied the mother.</p> +<p>"What about?"</p> +<p>"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many +strawberries or because she wants more," replied the discouraged +mother.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>BANKS—"I had a new experience yesterday, one you might +call unaccountable. I ate a hearty dinner, finishing up with a +Welsh rabbit, a mince pie and some lobster à la Newburgh. +Then I went to a place of amusement. I had hardly entered the +building before everything swam before me."</p> +<p>BINKS—"The Welsh rabbit did it."</p> +<p>BUNKS—"No; it was the lobster."</p> +<p>BONKS—"I think it was the mince pie."</p> +<p>BANKS—"No; I have a simpler explanation than that. I never +felt better in my life; I was at the +Aquarium."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Among a party of Bostonians who spent some time in a +hunting-camp in Maine were two college professors. No sooner had +the learned gentlemen arrived than their attention was attracted by +the unusual position of the stove, which was set on posts about +four feet high.</p> +<p>This circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate +opportunity to comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by +observation.</p> +<p>"Now," said he, "this man has discovered that heat emanating +from a stove strikes the roof, and that the circulation is so +quickened that the camp is warmed in much less time than would be +required were the stove in its regular place on the floor."</p> +<p>But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was +elevated to be above the window in order that cool and pure air +could be had at night.</p> +<p>The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was +set high in order that a good supply of green wood could be placed +under it.</p> +<p>After much argument, they called the guide and asked why the +stove was in such a position.</p> +<p>The man grinned. "Well, gents," he explained, "when I brought +the stove up the river I lost most of the stove-pipe overboard; so +we had to set the stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach +through the roof."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Jack Barrymore, son of Maurice Barrymore, and himself an actor +of some ability, is not over-particular about his personal +appearance and is a little lazy.</p> +<p>He was in San Francisco on the morning of the earthquake. He was +thrown out of bed by one of the shocks, spun around on the floor +and left gasping in a corner. Finally, he got to his feet and +rushed for a bathtub, where he stayed all that day. Next day he +ventured out. A soldier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured +Barrymore and compelled him to pile bricks for two days.</p> +<p>Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club +in New York.</p> +<p>"Extraordinary," commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It +took a convulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the +United States Army to make him go to work."</p> +<a name="H116" id="H116"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CAUTION</h3> +<p>Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the +rounds several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious +business man when he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a +Lakewood hotel, he said:</p> +<p>"Can you crack nuts?"</p> +<p>"No, dear," the old lady replied. "I lost all my teeth ages +ago."</p> +<p>"Then," requested Master Field, extending two hands full of +pecans, "please hold these while I go and get some more."</p> +<a name="H117" id="H117"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHAMPAGNE</h3> +<p>MR. HILTON—"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, +Bridget?"</p> +<p>BRIDGET—"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open +itself. Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two +quarts instead of wan."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to +the great statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely +prescribed alcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised +Mr. Gladstone by recommending him to take some wine. In answer to +his illustrious patient's surprise he said:</p> +<p>"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For +instance, I have often twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a +pint of champagne is a great help."</p> +<p>"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne +really help you to answer the twenty letters?"</p> +<p>"No," Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of +champagne I don't care a rap whether I answer them or not."</p> +<a name="H118" id="H118"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHARACTER</h3> +<p>The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit +was, moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked +to one of his sons:</p> +<p>"Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat +Daniel?"</p> +<p>"No sir. Why was it?"</p> +<p>"Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was +grit."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>They were trying an Irishman, charged with a petty offense, in +an Oklahoma town, when the judge asked: "Have you any one in court +who will vouch for your good character?"</p> +<p>"Yis, your honor," quickly responded the Celt, "there's the +sheriff there."</p> +<p>Whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement.</p> +<p>"Why, your honor," declared he, "I don't even know the man."</p> +<p>"Observe, your honor," said the Irishman, triumphantly, "observe +that I've lived in the country for over twelve years an' the +sheriff doesn't know me yit! Ain't that a character for ye?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We must have a weak spot or two in a character before we can +love it much. People that do not laugh or cry, or take more of +anything than is good for them, or use anything but +dictionary-words, are admirable subjects for biographies. But we +don't care most for those flat pattern flowers that press best in +the herbarium.—<i>O.W. Holmes</i>.</p> +<a name="H119" id="H119"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHARITY</h3> +<p>"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. +A never sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a +recent banquet said of charity:</p> +<p>"Too many of us, perhaps, misinterpret the meaning of charity as +the master misinterpreted the Scriptural text. This master, a +pillar of a western church, entered in his journal:</p> +<p>"'The Scripture ordains that, if a man take away thy coat, let +him have thy cloak also. To-day, having caught the hostler stealing +my potatoes, I have given him the sack.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>THE LADY—"Well, I'll give you a dime; not because you +deserve it, mind, but because it pleases me."</p> +<p>THE TRAMP—"Thank you, mum. Couldn't yer make it a quarter +an' thoroly enjoy yourself?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Porter Emerson came into the office yesterday. He had been out +in the country for a week and was very cheerful. Just as he was +leaving, he said: "Did you hear about that man who died the other +day and left all he had to the orphanage?"</p> +<p>"No," some one answered. "How much did he leave?"</p> +<p>"Twelve children."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I made a mistake," said Plodding Pete. "I told that man up the +road I needed a little help 'cause I was lookin' for me family from +whom I had been separated fur years."</p> +<p>"Didn't that make him come across?"</p> +<p>"He couldn't see it. He said dat he didn't know my family, but +he wasn't goin' to help in bringing any such trouble on 'em."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"It requires a vast deal of courage and charity to be +philanthropic," remarked Sir Thomas Lipton, apropos of Andrew +Carnegie's giving. "I remember when I was just starting in +business. I was very poor and making every sacrifice to enlarge my +little shop. My only assistant was a boy of fourteen, faithful and +willing and honest. One day I heard him complaining, and with +justice, that his clothes were so shabby that he was ashamed to go +to chapel.</p> +<p>"'There's no chance of my getting a new suit this year,' he told +me. 'Dad's out of work, and it takes all of my wages to pay the +rent.'</p> +<p>"I thought the matter over, and then took a sovereign from my +carefully hoarded savings and bought the boy a stout warm suit of +blue cloth. He was so grateful that I felt repaid for my sacrifice. +But the next day he didn't come to work. I met his mother on the +street and asked her the reason.</p> +<p>"'Why, Mr. Lipton,' she said, curtsying, 'Jimmie looks so +respectable, thanks to you, sir, that I thought I would send him +around town today to see if he couldn't get a better job.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Good morning, ma'am," began the temperance worker. "I'm +collecting for the Inebriates' Home and—"</p> +<p>"Why, me husband's out," replied Mrs. McGuire, "but if ye can +find him anywhere's ye're welcome to him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Charity is a virtue of the heart, and not of the +hands.—<i>Addison</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>You find people ready enough to do the Samaritan, without the +oil and twopence.—<i>Sydney Smith</i>.</p> +<a name="H120" id="H120"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHICAGO</h3> +<p>A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a +dozen copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to +him at once.</p> +<p>Within two days he received this reply by telegraph:</p> +<p>"No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try +Philadelphia."</p> +<a name="H121" id="H121"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHICKEN STEALING</h3> +<p>Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed +of chickens he considered best, and he replied:</p> +<p>"All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but +de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Ida Black had retired from the most select colored circles for a +brief space, on account of a slight difficulty connected with a +gentleman's poultry-yard. Her mother was being consoled by a white +friend.</p> +<p>"Why, Aunt Easter, I was mighty sorry to hear about +Ida—"</p> +<p>"Marse John, Ida ain't nuvver tuk dem chickens. Ida wouldn't do +sich a thing! Ida wouldn't demeange herse'f to rob nobody's +hen-roost—and, any way, dem old chickens warn't nothing't all +but feathers when we picked 'em."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens, +Br'er Rastus?"</p> +<p>"Well, Br'er Johnsing, mebbe dey does keep a few."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Henry E. Dixey met a friend one afternoon on Broadway.</p> +<p>"Well, Henry," exclaimed the friend, "you are looking fine! What +do they feed you on?"</p> +<p>"Chicken mostly," replied Dixey. "You see, I am rehearsing in a +play where I am to be a thief, so, just by way of getting into +training for the part I steal one of my own chickens every morning +and have the cook broil it for me. I have accomplished the +remarkable feat of eating thirty chickens in thirty consecutive +days."</p> +<p>"Great Scott!" exclaimed the friend. "Do you still like +them?"</p> +<p>"Yes, I do," replied Dixey; "and, what is better still, the +chickens like me. Why they have got so when I sneak into the +hen-house they all begin to cackle, 'I wish I was in +Dixey.'"—<i>A. S. Hitchcock</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A southerner, hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one +dark night, took his revolver and went to investigate.</p> +<p>"Who's there?" he sternly demanded, opening the door.</p> +<p>No answer.</p> +<p>"Who's there? Answer, or I'll shoot!"</p> +<p>A trembling voice from the farthest corner:</p> +<p>"'Deed, sah, dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the +object of his visit out in the back yard working among his +hen-coops. He noticed with surprise that there were no +chickens.</p> +<p>"Why, Brudder Brown," he asked, "whar'r all yo' chickens?"</p> +<p>"Huh," grunted Brother Brown without looking up, "some fool +niggah lef de do' open an' dey all went home."</p> +<a name="H122" id="H122"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHILD LABOR</h3> +<p>"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!"</p> +<p>"Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by +yours truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to +Alabama."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H123" id="H123"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHILDREN</h3> +<p>Two weary parents once advertised:</p> +<p>"WANTED, AT ONCE—Two fluent and well-learned persons, male +or female, to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a +boy of four; each to take four hours per day and rest the parents +of said children."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Another couple advertised:</p> +<p>"WANTED: A governess who is good stenographer, to take down the +clever sayings of our child."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation, +went to his teacher and handed in the following note from his +mother before taking his seat:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Sir: Please excuse James for not being present +yesterday.</p> +<p>"He played truant, but you needn't whip him for it, as the boy +he played truant with and him fell out, and he licked James; and a +man they threw stones at caught him and licked him; and the driver +of a cart they hung onto licked him; and the owner of a cat they +chased licked him. Then I licked him when he came home, after which +his father licked him; and I had to give him another for being +impudent to me for telling his father. So you need not lick him +until next time.</p> +<p>"He thinks he will attend regular in future."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MRS. POST—"But why adopt a baby when you have three +children of your own under five years old?"</p> +<p>MRS. PARKER—"My own are being brought up properly. The +adopted one is to enjoy."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain +that this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the +training of children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her +part to the fact that she attended normal school for one year just +before her marriage.</p> +<p>Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you +suppose I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"I dunno. What was it?"</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with +a hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I +heard her say:</p> +<p>"'Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has +injured his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip +you.'"—<i>Edwin Tarrisse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no +memories of outlived sorrow.—<i>George Eliot</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked of +children.—<i>R.H. Dana</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Boys; Families.</p> +<a name="H124" id="H124"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHOICES</h3> +<p>William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of +an American officer who, by the kind permission of the British +Government, was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His +Majesty's battleships. Among other things that impressed the +American was the vessel's Sunday morning service. It was very well +attended, every sailor not on duty being there. At the conclusion +of the service the American chanced to ask one of the jackies:</p> +<p>"Are you obliged to attend these Sunday morning services?"</p> +<p>"Not exactly obliged to, sir," replied the sailor-man, "but our +grog would be stopped if we didn't, sir."—<i>Edwin +Tarrisse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A well-known furniture dealer of a Virginia town wanted to give +his faithful negro driver something for Christmas in recognition of +his unfailing good humor in toting out stoves, beds, pianos, +etc.</p> +<p>"Dobson," he said, "you have helped me through some pretty tight +places in the last ten years, and I want to give you something as a +Christmas present that will be useful to you and that you will +enjoy. Which do you prefer, a ton of coal or a gallon of good +whiskey?"</p> +<p>"Boss," Dobson replied, "Ah burns wood."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called +to the waiter: "Give me a ham sandwich."</p> +<p>"Yes, sir," said the waiter, reaching for the sandwich; "will +you eat it or take it with you?"</p> +<p>"Both," was the unexpected but obvious reply.</p> +<a name="H125" id="H125"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHOIRS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Singers.</p> +<a name="H126" id="H126"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS</h3> +<p>While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little +man in the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his +shoulder from time to time and squirmed and shifted about in his +seat. At last, unable to stand it longer, he arose and demanded, in +a high, penetrating voice, "Is there a Christian Scientist in this +room?"</p> +<p>A woman at the other side of the hall got up and said, "I am a +Christian Scientist."</p> +<p>"Well, then, madam," requested the little man, "would you mind +changing seats with me? I'm sitting in a draft."</p> +<a name="H127" id="H127"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHRISTIANS</h3> +<p>At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and +one of the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked +him:</p> +<p>"Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?"</p> +<p>"No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink. But then, I +am not a Christian."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a +shipwreck upon a cannibal isle hid for three days, in terror of his +life. Driven out by hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke +rising from a clump of bushes inland, and crawled carefully to +study the type of savages about it. Just as he reached the clump he +heard a voice say: "Why in hell did you play that card?" He dropped +on his knees and, devoutly raising his hands, cried:</p> +<p>"Thank God they are Christians!"</p> +<a name="H128" id="H128"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHRISTMAS GIFTS</h3> +<p>"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, +Freddie," said his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a +good little boy."</p> +<p>Freddie read over the list, and then said:</p> +<p>"Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?"</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">'Twas the month after Christmas,</p> +<p class="i2">And Santa had flit;</p> +<p class="i2">Came there tidings for father</p> +<p class="i2">Which read: "Please remit!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>R.L.F</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school +teacher:</p> +<p>"And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little +brother for Christmas this year?"</p> +<p>"I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">For little children everywhere</p> +<p class="i4">A joyous season still we make;</p> +<p class="i2">We bring our precious gifts to them,</p> +<p class="i4">Even for the dear child Jesus' sake.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Phebe Cary</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I will, if you will,</p> +<p class="i4">devote my Christmas giving to the children and the +needy,</p> +<p class="i6">reserving only the privilege of, once in a while,</p> +<p class="i8">giving to a dear friend a gift which then will +have</p> +<p class="i10">the old charm of being a genuine surprise.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I will, if you will,</p> +<p class="i4">keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart, and,</p> +<p class="i6">barring out hurry, worry, and competition,</p> +<p class="i8">will consecrate the blessed season, in joy and +love,</p> +<p class="i10">to the One whose birth we celebrate.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Jane Porter Williams</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H129" id="H129"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHRONOLOGY</h3> +<p>TOURIST—"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an +ancient library in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'"</p> +<p>ENGLISHMAN—"Before Carnegie, I presume."</p> +<a name="H130" id="H130"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHURCH ATTENDANCE</h3> +<p>"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night."</p> +<p>"New minister?"</p> +<p>"No it was burned down."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your +church you are having such small congregations. Is that so?"</p> +<p>"Yes," answered the other girl, "so small that every time our +rector says 'Dearly Beloved' you feel as if you had received a +proposal!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Are you a pillar of the church?"</p> +<p>"No, I'm a flying buttress—I support it from the +outside."</p> +<a name="H131" id="H131"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CHURCH DISCIPLINE</h3> +<p>Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One +day, while sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking +of a monk who had left the church and married, he observed, not +without malice: "He has taken his punishment into his own +hands."</p> +<a name="H132" id="H132"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CIRCUS</h3> +<p>A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the +late W. C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most +amusing features of the show-business; the faking in the +"side-show."</p> +<p>Coup was the owner of a small circus that boasted among its +principal attractions a man-eating ape, alleged to be the largest +in captivity. This ferocious beast was exhibited chained to the +dead trunk of a tree in the side-show. Early in the day of the +first performance of Coup's enterprise at a certain Ohio town, a +countryman handed the man-eating ape a piece of tobacco, in the +chewing of which the beast evinced the greatest satisfaction.</p> +<p>The word was soon passed around that the ape would chew tobacco; +and the result was that several plugs were thrown at him. +Unhappily, however, one of these had been filled with cayenne +pepper. The man-eating ape bit it; then, howling with indignation, +snapped the chain that bound him to the tree, and made straight for +the practical joker who had so cruelly deceived him.</p> +<p>"Lave me at 'im!" yelled the ape. "Lave me at 'im, the dirty +villain! I'll have the rube's loife, or me name ain't +Magillicuddy!"</p> +<p>Fortunately for the countryman and for Magillicuddy, too, the +man-eating ape was restrained by the bystanders in time to prevent +a killing.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Willie to the circus went,</p> +<p class="i4">He thought it was immense;</p> +<p class="i4">His little heart went pitter-pat,</p> +<p class="i4">For the excitement was in tents.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">—<i>Harvard Lampoon</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had hitherto been +the weekly prayer-meeting, was taken by its nurse to the circus for +the first time. When he came home he exclaimed:</p> +<p>"Oh, Mama, if you once went to the circus you'd never, never go +to a prayer-meeting again in all your life."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Johnny, who had been to the circus, was telling his teacher +about the wonderful things he had seen.</p> +<p>"An' teacher," he cried, "they had one big animal they called +the hip—hip—</p> +<p>"Hippopotamus, dear," prompted the teacher.</p> +<p>"I can't just say its name," exclaimed Johnny, "but it looks +just like 9,000 pounds of liver."</p> +<a name="H133" id="H133"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CIVILIZATION</h3> +<p>An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the +patronizing airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government +schools for the redskins.</p> +<p>On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one +institution when he came upon an Indian lad of seventeen years. The +worker was engaged in a bit of carpentry, which the visitor +observed in silence for some minutes. Then, with the utmost +gravity, he asked the boy:</p> +<p>"Are you civilized?"</p> +<p>The youthful redskin lifted his eyes from his work, calmly +surveyed his questioner, and then replied:</p> +<p>"No, are you?"—<i>Taylor Edwards</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"My dear, listen to this," exclaimed the elderly English lady to +her husband, on her first visit to the States. She held the hotel +menu almost at arm's length, and spoke in a tone of horror: "'Baked +Indian pudding!' Can it be possible in a civilized country?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The path of civilization is paved with tin cans."—<i>The +Philistine</i>.</p> +<a name="H134" id="H134"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CLEANLINESS</h3> +<p>"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I +first took up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young +woman, "was one to clean out which would have called for the best +efforts of the renovator of the Augean stables. And the families in +this tenement were almost as hopeless as the tenement itself.</p> +<p>"On one occasion I felt distinctly encouraged, however, since I +observed that the face of one youngster was actually clean.</p> +<p>"'William,' said I, 'your face is fairly clean, but how did you +get such dirty hands?"</p> +<p>"'Washin' me face,' said William."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A woman in one of the factory towns of Massachusetts recently +agreed to take charge of a little girl while her mother, a +seamstress, went to another town for a day's work.</p> +<p>The woman with whom the child had been left endeavored to keep +her contented, and among other things gave her a candy dog, with +which she played happily all day.</p> +<p>At night the dog had disappeared, and the woman inquired whether +it had been lost.</p> +<p>"No, it ain't lost," answered the little girl. "I kept it 'most +all day, but it got so dirty that I was ashamed to look at it; so I +et it."—<i>Fenimore Martin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How old are you?" once asked Whistler of a London newsboy. +"Seven," was the reply. Whistler insisted that he must be older +than that, and turning to his friend he remarked: "I don't think he +could get as dirty as that in seven years, do you?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!—<i>Charles +Lamb</i>.</p> +<a name="H135" id="H135"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CLERGY</h3> +<p>"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked +to question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to +fight against the Philistines?"</p> +<p>None of the children could tell him.</p> +<p>"Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help them he tapped his jaw +with one finger. "What is this?" he asked.</p> +<p>This jogged their memories, and the class cried in chorus: "The +jawbone of an ass."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>All work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Bishop Doane of Albany was at one time rector of an Episcopal +church in Hartford, and Mark Twain, who occasionally attended his +services, played a joke upon him, one Sunday.</p> +<p>"Dr. Doane," he said at the end of the service, "I enjoyed your +sermon this morning. I welcomed it like on old friend. I have, you +know, a book at home containing every word of it."</p> +<p>"You have not," said Dr. Doane.</p> +<p>"I have so."</p> +<p>"Well, send that book to me. I'd like to see it."</p> +<p>"I'll send it," the humorist replied. Next morning he sent an +unabridged dictionary to the rector.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The four-year-old daughter of a clergyman was ailing one night +and was put to bed early. As her mother was about to leave her she +called her back.</p> +<p>"Mamma," she said, "I want to see my papa."</p> +<p>"No, dear," her mother replied, "your papa is busy and must not +be disturbed."</p> +<p>"But, mamma," the child persisted, "I want to see my papa."</p> +<p>As before, the mother replied: "No, your papa must not be +disturbed."</p> +<p>But the little one came back with a clincher:</p> +<p>"Mamma," she declared solemnly, "I am a sick woman, and I want +to see my minister."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>PROFESSOR—"Now, Mr. Jones, assuming you were called to +attend a patient who had swallowed a coin, what would be your +method of procedure?"</p> +<p>YOUNG MEDICO—"I'd send for a preacher, sir. They'll get +money out of anyone."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Archbishop Ryan was once accosted on the streets of Baltimore by +a man who knew the archbishop's face, but could not quite place +it.</p> +<p>"Now, where in hell have I seen you?" he asked perplexedly.</p> +<p>"From where in hell do you come, sir?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Duluth pastor makes it a point to welcome any strangers +cordially, and one evening, after the completion of the service, he +hurried down the aisle to station himself at the door.</p> +<p>He noticed a Swedish girl, evidently a servant, so he welcomed +her to the church, and expressed the hope that she would be a +regular attendant. Finally he said if she would be at home some +evening during the week he would call.</p> +<p>"T'ank you," she murmured bashfully, "but ay have a fella."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A minister of a fashionable church in Newark had always left the +greeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers, until he +read the newspaper articles in reference to the matter.</p> +<p>"Suppose a reporter should visit our church?" said his wife.</p> +<p>"Wouldn't it be awful?"</p> +<p>"It would," the minister admitted.</p> +<p>The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman +in one of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member +of the flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and +intercepted her at the door.</p> +<p>"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand, "I am very glad to +have you with us."</p> +<p>"Thank you," replied the young woman.</p> +<p>"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on. +"We are always glad to welcome new faces."</p> +<p>"Yes, sir."</p> +<p>"Do you live in this parish?" he asked.</p> +<p>The girl looked blank.</p> +<p>"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you +some evening."</p> +<p>"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman, "I'm +your cook!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Bishop Goodsell, of the Methodist Episcopal church, weighs over +two hundred pounds. It was with mingled emotions, therefore that he +read the following in <i>Zion's Herald</i> some time ago:</p> +<p>"The announcement that our New England bishop, Daniel A. +Goodsell, has promised to preach at the Willimantic camp meeting, +will give great pleasure to the hosts of Israel who are looking +forward to that feast of fat things."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is a standing rule of a company whose boats ply the Great +Lakes that clergymen and Indians may travel on its boats for +half-fare. A short time ago an agent of the company was approached +by an Indian preacher from Canada, who asked for free +transportation on the ground that he was entitled to one-half +rebate because he was an Indian, and the other half because he was +a clergyman.—<i>Elgin Burroughs</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Booker Washington, as all the world knows, believes that the +salvation of his race lies in industry. Thus, if a young man wants +to be a clergyman, he will meet with but little encouragement from +the head of Tuskegee; but if he wants to be a blacksmith or a +bricklayer, his welcome is warm and hearty.</p> +<p>Dr. Washington, in a recent address in Chicago, said:</p> +<p>"The world is overfull of preachers and when an aspirant for the +pulpit comes to me, I am inclined to tell him about the old uncle +working in the cotton field who said:</p> +<p>"'De cotton am so grassy, de work am so hard, and de sun am so +hot, Ah 'clare to goodness Ah believe dis darkey am called to +preach.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On one occasion the minister delivered a sermon of but ten +minutes' duration—a most unusual thing for him.</p> +<p>Upon the conclusion of his remarks he added: "I regret to inform +you, brethren, that my dog, who appears to be peculiarly fond of +paper, this morning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not +delivered. Let us pray."</p> +<p>After the service the clergyman was met at the door by a man who +as a rule, attended divine service in another parish. Shaking the +good man by the hand he said:</p> +<p>"Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of yours has any +pups. If so I want to get one to give to my minister."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Recipe for a parson:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To a cupful of negative goodness</p> +<p class="i4">Add the pleasure of giving advice.</p> +<p class="i2">Sift in a peck of dry sermons,</p> +<p class="i4">And flavor with brimstone or ice.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street +by a ragged urchin.</p> +<p>"Well, my little man, and what can I do for you?" inquired the +churchman.</p> +<p>"The time o' day, please, your lordship."</p> +<p>With considerable difficulty the portly bishop extracted his +timepiece.</p> +<p>"It is exactly half past five, my lad."</p> +<p>"Well," said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at +'alf past six you go to 'ell!"—and he was off like a flash +and around the corner. The bishop, flushed and furious, his watch +dangling from its chain, floundered wildly after him. But as he +rounded the corner he ran plump into the outstretched arms of the +venerable Bishop of London.</p> +<p>"Oxford, Oxford," remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why +this unseemly haste?"</p> +<p>Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped +out:</p> +<p>"That young ragamuffin—I told him it was half past +five—he—er—told me to go to hell at half past +six."</p> +<p>"Yes, yes," said the Bishop of London with the suspicion of a +twinkle in his kindly old eyes, "but why such haste? You've got +almost an hour."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Skilful alike with tongue and pen,</p> +<p class="i2">He preached to all men everywhere</p> +<p class="i2">The Gospel of the Golden Rule,</p> +<p class="i2">The New Commandment given to men,</p> +<p class="i2">Thinking the deed, and not the creed,</p> +<p class="i2">Would help us in our utmost need.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Burglars; Contribution box; Preaching; +Resignation.</p> +<a name="H136" id="H136"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CLIMATE</h3> +<p>In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so +often wrong that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no +small annoyance, for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair +of living down his reputation, he asked headquarters to transfer +him to another station.</p> +<p>A brief correspondance ensued.</p> +<p>"Why," asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?"</p> +<p>"Because," the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't +agree with me."</p> +<a name="H137" id="H137"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CLOTHING</h3> +<p>One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning +call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the +exclamation: "There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again +without a necktie! It's really disgraceful the way you neglect your +dress!"</p> +<p>Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.</p> +<p>A few minutes later his neighbor—Mrs. S.—was +summoned to the door by a messenger, who presented her with a small +box neatly done up. She opened it and found a black silk necktie, +accompanied by the following note: "Here is a necktie. Take it out +and look at it. I think I stayed half an hour this morning. At the +end of that time will you kindly return it, as it is the only one I +have?—Mark Twain."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man whose trousers bagged badly at the knees was standing on a +corner waiting for a car. A passing Irishman stopped and watched +him with great interest for two or three minutes; at last he +said:</p> +<p>"Well, why don't ye jump?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The evening wore on," continued the man who was telling the +story.</p> +<p>"Excuse me," interrupted the would-be-wit; "but can you tell us +what the evening wore on that occasion?"</p> +<p>"I don't know that it is important," replied the story-teller. +"But if you must know, I believe it was the close of a summer +day."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"See that measuring worm crawling up my skirt!" cried Mrs. +Bjenks. "That's a sign I'm going to have a new dress."</p> +<p>"Well, let him make it for you," growled Mr. Bjenks. "And while +he's about it, have him send a hookworm to do you up the back. I'm +tired of the job."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Dwellers in huts and in marble halls—</p> +<p class="i4">From Shepherdess up to Queen—</p> +<p class="i2">Cared little for bonnets, and less for shawls,</p> +<p class="i4">And nothing for crinoline.</p> +<p class="i2">But now simplicity's <i>not</i> the rage,</p> +<p class="i4">And it's funny to think how cold</p> +<p class="i2">The dress they wore in the Golden Age</p> +<p class="i4">Would seem in the Age of Gold.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Henry S. Leigh</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,</p> +<p class="i2">But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;</p> +<p class="i2">For the apparel oft proclaims the man.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H138" id="H138"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CLUBS</h3> +<p>Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement.</p> +<p>"When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave +every morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that +none of its members shall marry a man who won't shave every +morning."</p> +<p>"Oh, that's all right," replied Ben; "but what about the +mornings I don't get home in time? I belong to a club, +too."—<i>M.A. Hitchcock</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of +them wearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the +drenching rain, inquired:</p> +<p>"And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so +spick and span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and +keeping the waiters running all the time?"</p> +<p>"They're the rocking-chair members. They never go outside, and +they're waterproof inside."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to +form a woman's club. The hostess was unanimously elected president. +The next day the following ad appeared in the newspaper:</p> +<p>"Wanted—a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to +Mrs. J. W. Lyons."</p> +<a name="H139" id="H139"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COAL DEALERS</h3> +<p>In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail +coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the +brothers was converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother +to join the church. One day he asked:</p> +<p>"Why can't you join the church like I did?"</p> +<p>"It's a fine thing for you to belong to the church," replied the +younger brother, "If I join the church who'll weigh the coal?"</p> +<a name="H140" id="H140"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COEDUCATION</h3> +<p>The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on +woman's rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they +threaten, away from the coeducational colleges, what will follow? +What will follow, I repeat?"</p> +<p>And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I +will!"</p> +<a name="H141" id="H141"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COFFEE</h3> +<p>Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to +Bismarck. He liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian +Army in France he one day entered a country inn and asked the host +if he had any chicory in the house. He had. Bismarck +said—"Well, bring it to me; all you have." The man obeyed and +handed Bismarck a canister full of chicory. "Are you sure this is +all you have?" demanded the Chancellor. "Yes, my lord, every +grain." "Then," said Bismarck, keeping the canister by him, "go now +and make me a pot of coffee."</p> +<a name="H142" id="H142"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COINS</h3> +<p>He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the +country: "Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from +Paris as a souvenir."</p> +<p>"Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to +have brought me home one of them Latin quarters I read so much +about."</p> +<a name="H143" id="H143"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS</h3> +<p>An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our +store are requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our +store and not knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those +knowing themselves indebted and not wishing to call, are requested +to stay in one place long enough for us to catch them."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Sir," said the haughty American to his adhesive tailor, "I +object to this boorish dunning. I would have you know that my +great-great-grandfather was one of the early settlers."</p> +<p>"And yet," sighed the anxious tradesman, "there are people who +believe in heredity."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large +towns in northern Indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a +carload of buggies. The firm wired him:</p> +<p>"Cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last +consignment."</p> +<p>"Unable to wait so long," wired back the buggy dealer, "cancel +order."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The saddest words of tongue or pen</p> +<p class="i2">May be perhaps, "It might have been,"</p> +<p class="i2">The sweetest words we know, by heck,</p> +<p class="i2">Are only these "Enclosed find check!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Minne-Ha-Ha</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H144" id="H144"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING</h3> +<p>Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen +Elizabeth.</p> +<p>"It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling +sweetly upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day +so that my feet should not be wet by that horrid puddle. May I not +instruct my Lord High Treasurer to reimburse you for it?"</p> +<p>"Don't mention it, your Majesty," replied Raleigh. "It only cost +two and six, and I have already sold it to an American collector +for eight thousand pounds."</p> +<a name="H145" id="H145"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COLLEGE GRADUATES</h3> +<p>"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked +the dapper agent.</p> +<p>"No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it +a few times, but my son will be home from college in June."</p> +<a name="H146" id="H146"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COLLEGE STUDENTS</h3> +<p>"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were +expelled from college?"</p> +<p>"Yes."</p> +<p>"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history +repeats itself."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority +houses. We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas +Co.—<i>Michigan Gargoyle</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FRESHMAN—"I have a sliver in my finger."</p> +<p>SOP—"Been scratching your head?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>STUDE—"Do you smoke, professor?"</p> +<p>PROF.—"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar."</p> +<p>STUDE—"Do you drink, sir?"</p> +<p>PROF.—"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle +of wine."</p> +<p>STUDE—"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass this +course."—<i>Cornell Widow</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when +a lady entered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought +not to give a chair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought +one, and the Harvard boy deliberately sat down in +it.—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history +lecture and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in +which he delighted when the hour struck. The students immediately +began to slam down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to +prepare to leave.</p> +<p>The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of +eloquence, held up his hand:</p> +<p>"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to +cast."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his +custom to take a walk before breakfast.</p> +<p>One morning two of his student friends went with him. After +walking a short distance they met an old man with a long white +beard. Thinking that they would have a little fun at the old man's +expense, the first one bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good +morning, Father Abraham."</p> +<p>The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father +Isaac."</p> +<p>Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father +Jacob."</p> +<p>The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I +am neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish, +and I am out looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found +them."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and +giving them to papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to +the boy that he was wasting his time. In answer the college lad +wrote:</p> +<p>"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the +local papers and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes, +except for money, is a fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's +suggestion and write for money. Send me fifty dollars."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The president of an eastern university had just announced in +chapel that the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the +history of the institution. Immediately he followed the +announcement by reading the text for the morning: "Lord, how are +they increased that trouble me!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>STUDE.—"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"</p> +<p>FRIEND—"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave."</p> +<p>STUDE—"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two +bucks."</p> +<p>FRIEND—"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing." +—<i>-Michigan Gargoyle</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying," +said the Professor.</p> +<p>"Well," said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says +it is to fit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild +oats; Sis, to get a chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the +family."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote +to his uncle as follows:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Uncle.—If you could see how I blush for shame while +I am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have to +ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express myself. +It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die. I send you +this by messenger, who will wait for an answer. Believe me, my +dearest uncle, your most obedient and affectionate nephew.</p> +<p>"P.S.—Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have +been running after the messenger in order to take the letter from +him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something may happen +to stop him, or that this letter may get lost."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. +He replied as follows:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"My Dear Jack—Console yourself and blush no more. +Providence has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. +Your affectionate uncle."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He +dwelt with much emphasis on the fact that each student should +devote all the intervening time preparing for the final +examinations.</p> +<p>"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are +there any questions to be asked?"</p> +<p>Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:</p> +<p>"Who's the printer?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the +father of one of the young women came to attend the graduation +exercises. He was presented to the president, who said, "I +congratulate you, sir, upon your extremely large and affectionate +family."</p> +<p>"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much +surprised.</p> +<p>"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your +daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to +take her driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her +to the theater at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they +are."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor +its great scholars great men.—<i>O.W. Holmes</i>.</p> +<p><i>See also</i> Harvard university; Scholarship.</p> +<a name="H147" id="H147"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The college is a coy maid—</p> +<p class="i4">She has a habit quaint</p> +<p class="i2">Of making eyes at millionaires</p> +<p class="i4">And winking at the taint.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is a 'faculty'?"</p> +<p>"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red +tape."—<i>Cornell Widow</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the +faculty or for the museums is not announced.—<i>The Atlanta +Journal</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FIRST TRUSTEE—"But this ancient institution of learning +will fail unless something is done."</p> +<p>SECOND TRUSTEE—"True; but what can we do? We have already +raised the tuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity +fees."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes. +His cheek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted +expression.</p> +<p>"You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?"</p> +<p>"Nothing much," he replied. "But—I—I had a fearful +dream last night, and I feel this morning as if I—as if +I—" It was evident that his nervous system was shattered.</p> +<p>"What was the dream?" asked his wife.</p> +<p>"I—I—dreamed the trustees required that—that I +should—that I should pass the freshman examination +for—admission!" sighed the president.</p> +<a name="H148" id="H148"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COMMON SENSE</h3> +<p>A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a +small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it +was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past +the place after work had been started, and seeing a man in the +doorway, called to him:</p> +<p>"What be ye doin' in this place?"</p> +<p>"We are searching for a universal solvent—something that +will dissolve all things," said the chemist.</p> +<p>"What good will thet be?"</p> +<p>"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a +solution of iron, glass, gold—anything, all that we have to +do is to drop it in this solution."</p> +<p>"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it +in?"</p> +<a name="H149" id="H149"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COMMUTERS</h3> +<p>BRIGGS—"Is it true that you have broken off your +engagement to that girl who lives in the suburbs?"</p> +<p>GRIGGS—"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I +have transferred to a town girl."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked +the first commuter.</p> +<p>"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. +The old brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this +new brand in a second and a half."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook +hands with a young German.</p> +<p>"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes," +said the German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."—<i>M.L. +Hayward</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the +blizzards of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts +to start it again were futile.</p> +<p>In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb +from the cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to +sleep, crawled out of the train and floundered through the heavy +snow-drifts to the nearest telegraph station. This is the message +he handed to the operator:</p> +<p>"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the +railroad station heard footsteps behind him. He had an +uncomfortable feeling that he was being followed. He increased his +speed. The footsteps quickened accordingly. The commuter darted +down a lane. The footsteps still pursued him. In desperation he +vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a churchyard, threw himself +panting on one of the graves.</p> +<p>"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no +doubt as to his intentions."</p> +<p>The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over +the fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like +flashed through his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one +arose and faced his pursuer.</p> +<p>"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following +me?"</p> +<p>"Say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go +home like this? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the +station told me to follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my +asking you, but is there much more to do before we get there?"</p> +<a name="H150" id="H150"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COMPARISONS</h3> +<p>A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last +season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white +picture-hat.</p> +<p>"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. +I'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as +she watched a great actress writhing about the floor as +Cleopatra:</p> +<p>"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Darling," whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at +your feet."</p> +<p>"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had +one."</p> +<p>"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large +besides those tiny feet."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Girls make me tired," said the fresh young man. "They are +always going to palmists to have their hands read."</p> +<p>"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going +into saloons to get their noses red?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in +very bad health, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than +having toothache and earache at the same time?"</p> +<p>The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's +dance."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo +Emerson, recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday +attended a meeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white +man, however, a white man whose first name was George, and +evidently a prime favorite with the colored brethren. When the +service was over Dr. Emerson walked home behind two members of the +congregation, and overheard this conversation: "Massa George am a +mos' pow'ful preacher." "He am dat." "He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham +Lincoln." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan Lincoln." "He's mos' 's +pow'ful as George Washin'ton." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan +Washin'ton." "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God." "N-n-o, +not quite. But he's a young man yet."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the +comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty +and beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill +taken?—<i>Cervantes</i>.</p> +<a name="H151" id="H151"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COMPENSATION</h3> +<p>"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an +automobile goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits +harder and balks longer."</p> +<a name="H152" id="H152"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COMPETITION</h3> +<p>A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl—now +fifteen—had been the pet of the family. Every one made much +of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather +neglected.</p> +<p>"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon.</p> +<p>"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too +much competition in this world."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for +watering his fields. The very first day while he was trying it +there suddenly came a downpour of rain. He put away his +machine.</p> +<p>"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without +competition."</p> +<a name="H153" id="H153"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COMPLIMENTS</h3> +<p>Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row +which took place in front of his store that morning: "The first +thing I saw was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a +crowd gathered. The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large +shovel he had been using on the street, and rushed back, his eyes +blazing fiercely. I thought he'd surely knock the other man's +brains out, and I stepped right in between them."</p> +<p>The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in +the narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his +pudding. So proud was he of his father's valor, his eyes fairly +shone, and he cried:</p> +<p>"He couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, Father?"</p> +<p>Father looked at him long and earnestly, but the lad's +countenance was frank and open.</p> +<p>Father gasped slightly, and resumed his supper.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Tact.</p> +<a name="H154" id="H154"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COMPOSERS</h3> +<p>Recipe for the musical comedy composer:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Librettos of all of the operas,</p> +<p class="i4">Some shears and a bottle of paste,</p> +<p class="i2">Curry the hits of last season,</p> +<p class="i4">Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H155" id="H155"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COMPROMISES</h3> +<p>Boss—"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you +and I were the only people who had keys to that drawer."</p> +<p>Office Boy—"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more +about it."</p> +<a name="H156" id="H156"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONFESSIONS</h3> +<p>"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he +get—five years?"</p> +<p>"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the +magazines."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always +taught to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing +penitently to her mother.</p> +<p>"Mother, I—I broke a brick in the fireplace."</p> +<p>"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, +Ethel?"</p> +<p>"I pounded it with your watch."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Confession is good for the soul."</p> +<p>"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation."</p> +<a name="H157" id="H157"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONGRESS</h3> +<p>Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of +acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about +it.—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a +congressman, "we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a +certain miss whom I know unconsciously puts us in. It was at a +recent examination at her school that the question was put, 'Who +makes the laws of our government?'</p> +<p>"'Congress,' was the united reply.</p> +<p>"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query.</p> +<p>"My young friend raised her hand.</p> +<p>"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'</p> +<p>"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the +Miss replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'"</p> +<a name="H158" id="H158"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONGRESSMEN</h3> +<p>It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of +congressmen, mostly from the rural districts. The tables were +elegant, and it was a scene of fairy splendor; but on one table +there were no decorations but palm leaves.</p> +<p>"Here," said a congressman to the head waiter, "why don't you +put them things on our table too?" pointing to the plants.</p> +<p>The head waiter didn't know he was a congressman.</p> +<p>"We cain't do it, boss," he whispered confidentially; "dey's +mostly congressmen at 'dis table, an' if we put pa'ms on de table +dey take um for celery an' eat um all up sho. 'Deed dey would, +boss. We knows 'em."</p> +<p>Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by +his wife, who whispered, "John, John, get up! There are robbers in +the house."</p> +<p>"Robbers?" he said. "There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary; +but not in the House! It's preposterous!"—<i>John N. Cole, +Jr</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate +Congressman Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a +jackass. The expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction +Johnson said:</p> +<p>"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must +insist that the gentleman from Illinois is out of order."</p> +<p>"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois.</p> +<p>"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered +Johnson, and that was parliamentary enough to stay on the +record.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in +New York. When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of +his stay, the waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the +Congressman tossed it aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and +said, "Bring me a good dinner."</p> +<p>The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued +this plan during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was +given, he mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.</p> +<p>Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, +said:</p> +<p>"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come +to New York, just ask for Dick."</p> +<a name="H159" id="H159"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONSCIENCE</h3> +<p>The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the +warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use +of the telephone.</p> +<p>A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in +an office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look +again. Yes, there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer +was sitting upon the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name +that was lettered on the window and then searched in the telephone +book. Still keeping his eye upon the scene across the street, he +called the gentleman up. In a few moments he saw him start +violently and take down the receiver.</p> +<p>"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think +you would start."</p> +<p>The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to +stammer something.</p> +<p>"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take +that arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to +be plenty of chairs in the room—"</p> +<p>The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is +to be feared. "Who—who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed +to splutter.</p> +<p>"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your +conscience!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A quiet conscience makes one so serene!</p> +<p class="i2">Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded</p> +<p class="i2">That all the Apostles would have done as they +did.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful +friend,</p> +<p class="i4">Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend;</p> +<p class="i2">But if he will thy friendly checks forego,</p> +<p class="i4">Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Crabbe</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H160" id="H160"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONSEQUENCES</h3> +<p>A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference +between the words "results" and "consequences."</p> +<p>A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and +consequences are what you get."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible +consequences, quite apart from any fluctuations that went +before—consequences that are hardly ever confined to +ourselves.—<i>George Eliot</i>.</p> +<a name="H161" id="H161"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONSIDERATION</h3> +<p>The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody +had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the +guest of honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm.</p> +<p>"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said +to his host. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?"</p> +<p>"Well, now, Pahson," replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting +great dignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good +sermon I never axes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me +de same considerashion."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A clergyman, who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been +taken suddenly ill, answered the call though somewhat puzzled by +it, for he knew that she was not of his parish, and was, moreover, +known to be a devoted worker in another church. While he was +waiting to be shown to the sick-room he fell to talking to the +little girl of the house.</p> +<p>"It is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in +her illness," said he, "Is your minister out of town?"</p> +<p>"Oh, no," answered the child, in a matter-of-fact tone. "He's +home; only we thought it might be something contagious, and we +didn't want to take any risks."</p> +<a name="H162" id="H162"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONSTANCY</h3> +<p>A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who +believed in a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had +two good-conduct badges and money in the savings-bank.</p> +<p>"Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a +year from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll +keep the vacancy."</p> +<p>On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request.</p> +<p>"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the +General in a surprised tone.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir; very much."</p> +<p>"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I never +believed there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face; +quick march!"</p> +<p>As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you, +sir; but it isn't the same woman."</p> +<a name="H163" id="H163"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONTRIBUTION BOX</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The parson looks it o'er and frets.</p> +<p class="i4">It puts him out of sorts</p> +<p class="i2">To see how many times he gets</p> +<p class="i4">A penny for his thoughts.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a +puzzled way at the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen +somewhere, Mr. Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I +fancy you have a double. And a funny thing about it is that I +remember I formed a strong prejudice against the man who looks like +you—although, I'm quite sure, we never met."</p> +<p>The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man," he answered, +"and I know why you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution +plate for two years in the church you attended."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and +the pastor made a short address before the box was passed.</p> +<p>"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern," he said +gently, "but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I +say 'rightly hab," bredern, because we don't want no tainted money +in dis box. 'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens +dis week. Now if any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in +connection wif dose chickens let him stay his hand from de box.</p> +<p>"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs +an' see if dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter +wrastle in prayer fer him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office +had reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon," +replied one of the elders, "they are close—vera close."</p> +<p>"But," confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or four +saxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of +course he took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward." The new +minister tried the same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to +report a dismal failure. The total collection was not only small, +but he was grieved to find that his own sixpences were missing. "Ye +may be a better preacher than the auld meenister," exclaimed the +elder, "but if ye had half the knowledge o' the world, an' o' yer +ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what he did an' glued the +saxpenses to the plate."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>POLICE COMMISSIONER—"If you were ordered to disperse a +mob, what would you do?"</p> +<p>APPLICANT—"Pass around the hat, sir."</p> +<p>POLICE COMMISSIONER—"That'll do; you're engaged."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church," +said the vicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts +to ninety-five cents, I see that they have come."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Salvation.</p> +<a name="H164" id="H164"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONUNDRUMS</h3> +<p>"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain +storm and a conversation between two confidence men?"</p> +<p>"Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it +up."</p> +<p>"Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is a +skinning theme."</p> +<a name="H165" id="H165"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CONVERSATION</h3> +<p>"My dog understands every word I say."</p> +<p>"Um."</p> +<p>"Do you doubt it?"</p> +<p>"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant +attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he +understands it perfectly."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>THE TALL AND AGGRESSIVE ONE—"Excuse me, but I'm in a +hurry! You've had that phone twenty minutes and not said a +word!"</p> +<p>THE SHORT AND MEEK ONE—"Sir, I'm talking to my +wife."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>HUS (during a quarrel)—"You talk like an idiot."</p> +<p>WIFE—"I've got to talk so you can understand me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New +England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside +rock.</p> +<p>"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside +filled with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the +conversational ice.</p> +<p>"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter.</p> +<p>"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so +very steep."</p> +<p>"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, +the rocks rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant +corn."</p> +<p>"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said +that he didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot +the seed in with a shotgun.</p> +<p>"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller.</p> +<p>"H—ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's +conversation."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the +student.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better +than ten years' study of books.—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p> +<a name="H166" id="H166"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COOKERY</h3> +<p>"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping +husband in the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the +pantry and they're eating all my pies."</p> +<p>"Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as +they don't die in the house?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way."</p> +<p>"How so?"</p> +<p>"It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at +the movies before putting it in the oven.'"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in +Baltimore such a unique domestic proposition that she felt called +upon to seek expert advice from another woman, whom she knew to +possess considerable experience in the cooking line.</p> +<p>"Mrs. Jones," said the first mentioned young woman, as she +breathlessly entered the apartment of the latter, "I'm sorry to +trouble you, but I must have your advice."</p> +<p>"What is the trouble, my dear?"</p> +<p>"Why, I've just had a 'phone message from Harry, saying that he +is going out this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons. Now, he's bound +to bring a lot home, and I haven't the remotest idea how to cook +them. Won't you please tell me?"—<i>Taylor Edwards</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us +cooks.—<i>David Garrick</i>.</p> +<a name="H167" id="H167"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COOKS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Servants.</p> +<a name="H168" id="H168"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CORNETS</h3> +<p>Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet +on Sunday would go to heaven.</p> +<p>The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't +see why he should not, but"—after a pause—"I doubt +whether the man next door will."</p> +<a name="H169" id="H169"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CORNS</h3> +<p>Great aches from little toe-corns grow.</p> +<a name="H170" id="H170"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CORPULENCE</h3> +<p>The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the +colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing +for the summer. Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He +tipped the scales at some three hundred pounds.</p> +<p>"Missus," said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine +ter charge you double for your husband's shirts."</p> +<p>"Why, what is your reason for that Nancy," questioned the +mistress.</p> +<p>"Well," said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an +ordinary man, but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell +in love with a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works, +he went to Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get +married he would like a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie +appeared much interested. "Tell me about her," he said. "Is she +short or is she tall, slender, willowy?"</p> +<p>"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if +I'd had the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three +more passes."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering +hot day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a +rough-looking tramp.</p> +<p>"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she +indignantly demanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the +stout lady resumed her walk he again took up his position directly +behind her.</p> +<p>"See here," she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go +away at once I shall call a policeman!"</p> +<p>The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly.</p> +<p>"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a +policeman; ye're the only shady spot in the whole park."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked +if he had ever had any very narrow escapes.</p> +<p>"Yes," he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat +at the mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I +guess I'd be there now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the +water was just deep enough so's to be over my head when I tried to +wade out, and just shallow enough"—he gave his body an +explanatory pat—"so that whenever I tried to swim out I +dragged bottom."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the +door rose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a +seat."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Dancing.</p> +<a name="H171" id="H171"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COSMOPOLITANISM</h3> +<p>Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe +of New York.</p> +<p>"New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, +"without the addition of such a queerly named institution as the +Hell."</p> +<p>He smiled and added:</p> +<p>"Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York +cafe? In the last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and +an Italian, dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of +Spanish walnut, lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch +salmon, Welsh rabbit, Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins. +They drank China tea and Irish whisky."</p> +<a name="H172" id="H172"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COST OF LIVING</h3> +<p>"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie +Smiggs?" asked the careful mother.</p> +<p>"I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the +Smiggs boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal +around like that."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Live within your income," was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie +on his seventy-sixth birthday. This is easy; the difficulty is to +live without it.—<i>Satire</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at +dinner?"</p> +<p>"No, no! This is an important robbery. Our dinner was stolen +while we were putting on our jewels."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse +steak climb the ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an +unusually bad grouch when a would-be customer, eight years old, +approached him and handed him a penny.</p> +<p>"Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of sausage."</p> +<p>Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst +of good salesmanship:</p> +<p>"Go smell o' the hook!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TOM—"My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and +says something before meals."</p> +<p>DICK—"Mine always says something when he sits down to eat, +but he don't bow his head."</p> +<p>TOM—"What does he say?"</p> +<p>DICK—"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a +pound."</p> +<a name="H173" id="H173"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COUNTRY LIFE</h3> +<p>BILTER (at servants' agency)—"Have you got a cook who will +go to the country?"</p> +<p>MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)—"Is there any +one here who would like to spend a day in the +country?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>VISITOR—"You have a fine road leading from the +station."</p> +<p>SUBUBS—"That's the path worn by servant-girls."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Commuters; Servants.</p> +<a name="H174" id="H174"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COURAGE</h3> +<p>AUNT ETHEL—"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the +dentist's?"</p> +<p>BEATRICE—"Yes, auntie, I was."</p> +<p>AUNT ETHEL—"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. +And now tell me what he did to you."</p> +<p>BEATRICE—"He pulled out two of Willie's +teeth!"—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>He was the small son of a bishop, and his mother was teaching +him the meaning of courage.</p> +<p>"Supposing," she said, "there were twelve boys in one bedroom, +and eleven got into bed at once, while the other knelt down to say +his prayers, that boy would show true courage."</p> +<p>"Oh!" said the young hopeful. "I know something that would be +more courageous than that! Supposing there were twelve bishops in +one bedroom, and one got into bed without saying his prayers!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Courage, the highest gift, that scorns to bend</p> +<p class="i2">To mean devices for a sordid end.</p> +<p class="i2">Courage—an independent spark from Heaven's +bright throne,</p> +<p class="i2">By which the soul stands raised, triumphant, high, +alone.</p> +<p class="i2">Great in itself, not praises of the crowd,</p> +<p class="i2">Above all vice, it stoops not to be proud.</p> +<p class="i2">Courage, the mighty attribute of powers above,</p> +<p class="i2">By which those great in war, are great in love.</p> +<p class="i2">The spring of all brave acts is seated here,</p> +<p class="i2">As falsehoods draw their sordid birth from fear.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Farquhar</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H175" id="H175"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COURTESY</h3> +<p>The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the +regulations, to make out a passport for a rich and highly +respectable lady of his acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight +disfigurement, was very vain of her personal appearance. His native +politeness prompted him to gloss over the defect, and, after a +moment's reflection, he wrote among the items of personal +description: "Eyes dark, beautiful, tender, expressive, but one of +them missing."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mrs. Taft, at a diplomatic dinner, had for a neighbor a +distinguished French traveler who boasted a little unduly of his +nation's politeness.</p> +<p>"We French," the traveler declared, "are the politest people in +the world. Every one acknowledges it. You Americans are a +remarkable nation, but the French excel you in politeness. You +admit it yourself, don't you?"</p> +<p>Mrs. Taft smiled delicately.</p> +<p>"Yes," she said. "That is our politeness."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Justice Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston street +car standing next to the gate that protected passengers from cars +coming on the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the +car and, as it stopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden +from her by the man standing before it.</p> +<p>"Other side, lady," said the conductor.</p> +<p>He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a +man. The lady took another step toward the gate.</p> +<p>"You must get off the other side," said the conductor.</p> +<p>"I wish to get off on this side," came the answer, in tones that +congealed that official. Before he could explain or expostulate Mr. +Moody came to his assistance.</p> +<p>"Stand to one side, gentlemen," he remarked quietly. "The lady +wishes to climb over the gate."</p> +<a name="H176" id="H176"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COURTS</h3> +<p>One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts +he didn't like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time +when the Judge ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with +scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced tying up his papers +as if to quit the courtroom.</p> +<p>"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens," asked the Judge, eying "old +Thad" indignantly, "that you wish to show your contempt for this +court?"</p> +<p>"No, sir; no, sir," replied "old Thad." "I don't want to show my +contempt, sir; I'm trying to conceal it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"It's all right to fine me, Judge," laughed Barrowdale, after +the proceedings were over, "but just the same you were ahead of me +in your car, and if I was guilty you were too."</p> +<p>"Ya'as, I know," said the judge with a chuckle, "I found myself +guilty and hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez +you."</p> +<p>"Bully for you!" said Barrowdale. "By the way, do you put these +fines back into the roads?"</p> +<p>"No," said the judge. "They go to the trial jestice in loo o' +sal'ry."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other day and presented +a check for which he wanted the equivalent in cash.</p> +<p>"Have to be identified," said the clerk.</p> +<p>The stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all +addressed to the same name as that on the check.</p> +<p>The clerk shook his head.</p> +<p>The man thought a minute and pulled out his watch, which bore +the name on its inside cover.</p> +<p>Clerk hardly glanced at it.</p> +<p>The man dug into his pockets and found one of those +"If-I-should-die-tonight-please-notify-my-wife" cards, and called +the clerk's attention to the description, which fitted to a T.</p> +<p>But the clerk was still obdurate.</p> +<p>"Those things don't prove anything," he said. "We've got to have +the word of a man that we know."</p> +<p>"But, man, I've given you an identification that would convict +me of murder in any court in the land."</p> +<p>"That's probably very true," responded the clerk, patiently, +"but in matters connected with the bank we have to be more +careful."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Jury; Witnesses.</p> +<a name="H177" id="H177"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COURTSHIP</h3> +<p>"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the +first girl you ever loved?"</p> +<p>"Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran</p> +<p class="i4">Fell in love with Maria McCann.</p> +<p class="i6">With a yell and a whoop</p> +<p class="i6">He cleared the front stoop</p> +<p class="i4">Just ahead of her papa's brogan.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SPOONLEIGH—"Does your sister always look under the +bed?"</p> +<p>HER LITTLE BROTHER—"Yes, and when you come to see her she +always looks under the sofa."—<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young man from the West,</p> +<p class="i2">Who loved a young lady with zest;</p> +<p class="i4">So hard did he press her</p> +<p class="i4">To make her say, "Yes, sir,"</p> +<p class="i2">That he broke three cigars in his vest.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I hope your father does not object to my staying so late," said +Mr. Stayput as the clock struck twelve.</p> +<p>"Oh, dear, no," replied Miss Dabbs, with difficulty suppressing +a yawn, "He says you save him the expense of a night-watchman."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old monk of Siberia,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose existence grew drearier and drearier;</p> +<p class="i4">He burst from his cell</p> +<p class="i4">With a hell of a yell,</p> +<p class="i2">And eloped with the Mother Superior.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking +father of the girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was +courting her. The father had his watch in his hand.</p> +<p>"Young man," he said brusquely, "do you know what time it +is?"</p> +<p>"Y-y-yes sir," stuttered the frightened lover, as he scrambled +out into the hall; "I—I was just going to leave!"</p> +<p>After the beau had made a rapid exit, the father turned to the +girl and said in astonishment:</p> +<p>"What was the matter with that fellow? My watch has run down, +and I simply wanted to know the time."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlor?" asked +her mother. "Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin," replied the +young lady.</p> +<p>The mother look dubiously at her daughter, whereupon her little +brother, wishing to help his sister, said:</p> +<p>"Yeth they wath, Mother. I heard 'em. Mr. Thmith asked her for a +kith and she thaid, 'You kin.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>During a discussion of the fitness of things in general some one +asked: "If a young man takes his best girl to the grand opera, +spends $8 on a supper after the performance, and then takes her +home in a taxicab, should he kiss her goodnight?"</p> +<p>An old bachelor who was present growled: "I don't think she +ought to expect it. Seems to me he has done enough for her."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to +test her sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she +said to her, though she knew it was a great risk.</p> +<p>"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight—a walk on +the beach in the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of +thing—and I want you, in order to put his fidelity to the +proof, to ask him for a kiss."</p> +<p>The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot +was carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the +pretty one and said anxiously:</p> +<p>"Well, did you ask him?"</p> +<p>"No, dear."</p> +<p>"No? Why not?"</p> +<p>"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Uncle Nehemiah, the proprietor of a ramshackle little hotel in +Mobile, was aghast at finding a newly arrived guest with his arm +around his daughter's waist.</p> +<p>"Mandy, tell that niggah to take his arm from around yo' wais'," +he indignantly commanded.</p> +<p>"Tell him you'self," said Amanda. "He's a puffect stranger to +me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Jack and I have parted forever."</p> +<p>"Good gracious! What does that mean?"</p> +<p>"Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an +hour."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to solitaire with a partner,</p> +<p class="i2">The only game in which one pair beats three of a +kind.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Love; Proposals.</p> +<a name="H178" id="H178"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COWARDS</h3> +<p>Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in +her house the night before.</p> +<p>"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from +under the bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out."</p> +<p>"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?"</p> +<p>"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MRS. PECK—"Henry, what would you do if burglars broke into +our house some night?"</p> +<p>MR. PECK (<i>valiantly</i>)—"Humph! I should keep +perfectly cool, my dear."</p> +<p>And when, a few nights later, burglars <i>did</i> break in, +Henry kept his promise: he hid in the ice-box.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some +peculiar views regarding the administration of his particular +room.</p> +<p>The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his +usually smiling face.</p> +<p>"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?"</p> +<p>"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely +announced.</p> +<p>"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk +like that. What's wrong with the school?"</p> +<p>"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because +all th' boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"</p> +<p>"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"</p> +<p>"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' +teacher saw him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so +many times. An' those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor +nothin'. They let that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor +little boy, an' they just sat there an' seen her do it!"</p> +<p>"And what did you do, Johnny?"</p> +<p>"I didn't do nothin'—I was the boy!"—<i>Cleveland +Plain Dealer</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A negro came running down the lane as though the Old Boy were +after him.</p> +<p>"What are you running for, Mose?" called the colonel from the +barn.</p> +<p>"I ain't a-runnin' fo'," shouted back Mose. "I'se a-runnin' +from!"</p> +<a name="H179" id="H179"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>COWS</h3> +<p>Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on +a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his +cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was +greatly excited.</p> +<p>"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked.</p> +<p>"Why, that is only a cow," John replied.</p> +<p>"And what are those things on her head?"</p> +<p>"Horns," answered John.</p> +<p>Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud.</p> +<p>Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever +of interest:</p> +<p>"Which horn did she blow?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old man who said, "How</p> +<p class="i2">Shall I flee from this horrible cow?</p> +<p class="i4">I will sit on this stile</p> +<p class="i4">And continue to smile,</p> +<p class="i2">Which may soften the heart of that cow."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H180" id="H180"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CRITICISM</h3> +<p>FIRST MUSIC CRITIC—"I wasted a whole evening by going to +that new pianist's concert last night!"</p> +<p>SECOND MUSIC CRITIC—"Why?"</p> +<p>FIRST MUSIC CRITIC—"His playing was above criticism!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i30">As soon</p> +<p class="i2">Seek roses in December—ice in June,</p> +<p class="i2">Hope, constancy in wind, or corn in chaff;</p> +<p class="i2">Believe a woman or an epitaph,</p> +<p class="i2">Or any other thing that's false, before</p> +<p class="i2">You trust in critics.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is much easier to be critical than to be +correct.—<i>Disraeli</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Dramatic criticism.</p> +<a name="H181" id="H181"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CRUELTY</h3> +<p>"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the +vase of flowers."</p> +<p>"I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A."</p> +<a name="H182" id="H182"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CUCUMBERS</h3> +<p>Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does +its best fighting till it's down.—Stanford Chaparral.</p> +<a name="H183" id="H183"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CULTURE</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Kultur.</p> +<a name="H184" id="H184"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CURFEW</h3> +<p>A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old +town.</p> +<p>"I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he +said.</p> +<p>"No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they +abandoned it."</p> +<p>"What was the matter?"</p> +<p>"Well, the bell rang at 9 o'clock, and almost everyone +complained that it woke them up."</p> +<a name="H185" id="H185"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CURIOSITY</h3> +<p>The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully +when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out +too far and fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a +chandelier, and she was suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed +her undignified position and thundered at the congregation:</p> +<p>"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck +stone-blind."</p> +<p>A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who +dreaded the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion +and said:</p> +<p>"I'm going to risk one eye."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself +next to a dapper little other-people's-business man. The latter at +once noticed his neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose and kept +eying it in a how-did-it-happen sort of a way. The one-armed man +paid no attention to him but kept on eating with his one hand. +Finally the inquisitive one could stand it no longer. He changed +his position a little, cleared his throat, and said: "I beg pardon, +sir, but I see you have lost an arm."</p> +<p>The one-armed man picked up his sleeve with his right hand and +peered anxiously into it. "Bless my soul!" he exclaimed, looking up +with great surprise. "I do believe you're right."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Wives.</p> +<a name="H186" id="H186"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>CYCLONES</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Windfalls.</p> +<a name="H187" id="H187"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DACHSHUNDS</h3> +<p>A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until +his mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make +congenial conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad.</p> +<p>"Where is he?" questioned the dominic, knowing the way to a +boy's heart.</p> +<p>"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so +long to go in and out of the door he cools the whole house +off."</p> +<a name="H188" id="H188"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DAMAGES</h3> +<p>A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. +Delehanty, accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. +Delehanty and a Mrs. Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of +opinion.</p> +<p>When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Delehanty's +troubles, the lawyer said:</p> +<p>"You want to get damages, I suppose?"</p> +<p>"Damages! Damages!" came in shrill tones from Mrs. Delehanty. +"Haven't I got damages enough already, man? What I'm after is +satisfaction."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an +accident not far from that city tells of a curious incident that he +witnessed in the car wherein he was sitting.</p> +<p>Just ahead of him were a man and his wife. Suddenly the train +was derailed, and went bumping down a steep hill. The man evinced +signs of the greatest terror; and when the car came to a stop he +carefully examined himself to learn whether he had received any +injury. After ascertaining that he was unhurt, he thought of his +wife and damages.</p> +<p>"Are you hurt, dear?" he asked.</p> +<p>"No, thank Heaven!" was the grateful response.</p> +<p>"Look here, then," continued hubby, "I'll tell you what we'll +do. You let me black your eye, and we'll soak the company good for +damages! It won't hurt you much. I'll give you just one good +punch." <i>—Howard Morse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train. +In due season the claim agent for the railroad called.</p> +<p>"We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile +and valuable animal," said the claim agent in his most persuasive +claim-agentlemanly manner "and we sympathize with you and your +family in your loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your +cow had no business being upon our tracks. Those tracks are our +private property and when she invaded them, she became a +trespasser. Technically speaking, you, as her owner, became a +trespasser also. But we have no desire to carry the issue into +court and possibly give you trouble. Now then, what would you +regard as a fair settlement between you and the railroad +company?"</p> +<p>"Vail," said Mr. Olsen slowly, "Ay bane poor Swede farmer, but +Ay shall give you two dollars."</p> +<a name="H189" id="H189"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DANCING</h3> +<p>He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of +dancing, so his friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it +final?</p> +<p>"Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, +and I've merely stopped until I can find a concave lady for a +partner."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>George Bernard Shaw was recently entertained at a house party. +While the other guests were dancing, one of the onlookers called +Mr. Shaw's attention to the awkward dancing of a German +professor.</p> +<p>"Really horrid dancing, isn't it, Mr. Shaw?"</p> +<p>G.B.S. was not at a loss for the true Shavian response. "Oh +that's not dancing" he answered. "That's the New Ethical +Movement!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On a journey through the South not long ago, Wu Ting Fang was +impressed by the preponderance of negro labor in one of the cities +he visited. Wherever the entertainment committee led him, whether +to factory, store or suburban plantation, all the hard work seemed +to be borne by the black men.</p> +<p>Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but in the evening when +he was a spectator at a ball given in his honor, after watching the +waltzing and two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his +host:</p> +<p>"Why don't you make the negroes do that for you, too?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">If they had danced the tango and the trot</p> +<p class="i4">In days of old, there is no doubt we'd find</p> +<p class="i2">The poet would have written—would he +not?—</p> +<p class="i4">"On with the dance, let joy be unrefined!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H190" id="H190"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DEAD BEATS</h3> +<p>See <i>Bills</i>; Collecting of accounts.</p> +<a name="H191" id="H191"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DEBTS</h3> +<p>A train traveling through the West was held up by masked +bandits. Two friends, who were on their way to California, were +among the passengers.</p> +<p>"Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber +entered the car.</p> +<p>"You don't think they'll take everything, do you?" the other +asked nervously.</p> +<p>"Certainly," the first replied. "These fellows never miss +anything."</p> +<p>"That will be terrible," the second friend said. "Are you quite +sure they won't leave us any money?" he persisted.</p> +<p>"Of course," was the reply. "Why do you ask?"</p> +<p>The other was silent for a minute. Then, taking a fifty-dollar +note from his pocket, he handed it to his friend.</p> +<p>"What is this for?" the first asked, taking the money.</p> +<p>"That's the fifty dollars I owe you," the other answered. "Now +we're square."—<i>W. Dayton Wegefarth</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>WILLIS—"He calls himself a dynamo."</p> +<p>GILLIS—"No wonder; everything he has on is +charged."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Anticipated rents, and bills unpaid,</p> +<p class="i2">Force many a shining youth into the shade,</p> +<p class="i2">Not to redeem his time, but his estate,</p> +<p class="i2">And play the fool, but at the cheaper rate.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Cowper</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I hold every man a debtor to his +profession.—<i>Bacon</i>.</p> +<a name="H192" id="H192"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DEER</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"The deer's a mighty useful beast</p> +<p class="i4">From Petersburg to Tennyson</p> +<p class="i2">For while he lives he lopes around</p> +<p class="i4">And when he's dead he's venison."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Ellis Parker Butler</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H193" id="H193"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DEGREES</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A young theologian named Fiddle</p> +<p class="i4">Refused to accept his degree;</p> +<p class="i2">"For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle,</p> +<p class="i4">Without being Fiddle D.D."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H194" id="H194"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DEMOCRACY</h3> +<p>"Why are you so vexed, Irma?"</p> +<p>"I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social +Equality League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the +audacity to call me to order three times."—<i>M. L. +Hayward</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Ancestry.</p> +<a name="H195" id="H195"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DEMOCRATIC PARTY</h3> +<p>HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN—"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? +A pay ward or a—"</p> +<p>MALONEY—"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic."</p> +<a name="H196" id="H196"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DENTISTRY</h3> +<p>Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was +dusty, and there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in +his eye, and he held out a baby tooth.</p> +<p>"How did you pull it?" demanded his mother.</p> +<p>"Oh," he said bravely, "it was easy enough. I just fell down, +and the whole world came up and pushed it out."</p> +<a name="H197" id="H197"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DENTISTS</h3> +<p>The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain +employment for his own.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. +That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was +surprised to hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive +our dentists."—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade, +because his trade was nothing else but to take away those things +whereby every man gets his living.—<i>Haglitt</i>.</p> +<a name="H198" id="H198"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DESCRIPTION</h3> +<p>A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a +willowy figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She +must have been raised in the lumber regions.—<i>Ella +Hutchison Ellwanger</i>.</p> +<a name="H199" id="H199"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DESIGN, DECORATIVE</h3> +<p>Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of +lace she had just crocheted.</p> +<p>"Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned.</p> +<p>"Out of my head," she answered lightly.</p> +<p>"Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked +anxiously.—<i>C. Hilton Turvey</i>.</p> +<a name="H200" id="H200"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DESTINATION</h3> +<p>A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, +has succeeded in extracting thrills from the +alphabet—imparting excitement to the names of the national +capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday morning he was calling the +streets thus:</p> +<p>"Haitch!"</p> +<p>"High!"</p> +<p>"Jay!"</p> +<p>"Kay!"</p> +<p>"Hell!"</p> +<p>At this point three prim ladies picked up their prayer-books and +left the car.—<i>Lippincott's Magazine</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Andrew Lang once invited a friend to dinner when he was staying +in Marlowe's road, Earl's Court, a street away at the end of that +long Cromwell road, which seems to go on forever. The guest was not +very sure how to get there, so Lang explained:</p> +<p>"Walk right' along Cromwell road," he said, "till you drop dead +and my house is just opposite!"</p> +<a name="H201" id="H201"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DETAILS</h3> +<p>Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the +importance of detail.</p> +<p>"Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to +the very smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often +to go altogether wrong—like the dissipated husband.</p> +<p>"A dissipated husband as he stood before his house in the small +hours searching for his latchkey, muttered to himself:</p> +<p>"'Now which did my wife say—hic—have two whishkies +an' get home by 12, or—hic—have twelve whishkies an' +get home by 2?'"</p> +<a name="H202" id="H202"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DETECTIVES</h3> +<p>When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was +instantly recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. +When the great literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said +quite respectfully:</p> +<p>"If you please, sir, I should much prefer a ticket to your +lecture. If you should have none with you a visiting-card penciled +by yourself would do."</p> +<p>Conan Doyle laughed.</p> +<p>"Tell me," he said, "how did you know who I was, and I will give +you tickets for your whole family."</p> +<p>"Thank you sir," was the reply. "Why, we all knew—that is, +all the members of the Cabmen's Literary Guild knew—that you +were coming by this train. I happen to be the only member on duty +at the station this morning. If you will excuse personal remarks +your coat lapels are badly twisted downward where they have been +grasped by the pertinacious New York reporters. Your hair has the +Quakerish cut of a Philadelphia barber, and your hat, battered at +the brim in front, shows where you have tightly grasped it in the +struggle to stand your ground at a Chicago literary luncheon. Your +right overshoe has a large block of Buffalo mud just under the +instep, the odor of a Utica cigar hangs about your clothing, and +the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing of the porters of +the through sleepers from Albany, and stenciled upon the very end +of the 'Wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name, 'Conan +Doyle.'"</p> +<a name="H203" id="H203"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DETERMINATION</h3> +<p>After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is +said to have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a +Democratic merchant:</p> +<p>MERCHANT (<i>with a sigh</i>)—"Well, the old General is +dead."</p> +<p>BROKER (<i>with a shrug</i>)—"Yes, he's gone at last."</p> +<p>MERCHANT (<i>not appreciating the shrug</i>)—"Well, sir, +he was a good man."</p> +<p>BROKER (<i>with shrug more pronounced</i>)—"I don't know +about that."</p> +<p>MERCHANT (<i>energetically</i>)—"He was a good man, sir. +If any man has gone to heaven, General Jackson has gone to +heaven."</p> +<p>BROKER (<i>doggedly</i>)—"I don't know about that."</p> +<p>MERCHANT—"Well, sir, I tell you that if Andrew Jackson had +made up his mind to go to heaven, you may depend upon it he's +there."</p> +<a name="H204" id="H204"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DIAGNOSIS</h3> +<p>An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long +ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was +found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was +written:</p> +<p>"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of +plain fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed +twice."</p> +<a name="H205" id="H205"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DIET</h3> +<p>Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye +diet.—<i>William Gilmore Beymer</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady named Perkins,</p> +<p class="i2">Who had a great fondness for gherkins;</p> +<p class="i4">She went to a tea</p> +<p class="i4">And ate twenty-three,</p> +<p class="i2">Which pickled her internal workin's.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Mother," asked the little one, on the occasion of a number of +guests being present at dinner, "will the dessert hurt me, or is +there enough to go round?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and above +all, something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of +foods for him to eat. He staggered out and wabbled into a Penn +avenue restaurant.</p> +<p>"How about beefsteak?" he asked the waiter. "Is that +nitrogenous?"</p> +<p>The waiter didn't know.</p> +<p>"Are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not?"</p> +<p>The waiter couldn't say.</p> +<p>"Well, I'll fix it," declared the poor man in despair. "Bring me +a large plate of hash."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A Colonel, who used to assert</p> +<p class="i2">That naught his digestion could hurt,</p> +<p class="i4">Was forced to admit</p> +<p class="i4">That his weak point was hit</p> +<p class="i2">When they gave him hot shot for dessert.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>To abstain that we may enjoy is the epicurianism of +reason.—<i>Rousseau</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve +with nothing.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +<a name="H206" id="H206"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DILEMMAS</h3> +<p>A story that has done service in political campaigns to +illustrate supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be +revived in every political "heated term."</p> +<p>Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of +the western mountains, two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull +bison that seemed to have been separated from his kind and run +amuck. One of the prospectors took to the branches of a tree and +the other dived into a cave. The buffalo bellowed at the entrance +to the cavern and then turned toward the tree. Out came the man +from the cave, and the buffalo took after him again. The man made +another dive for the hole. After this had been repeated several +times, the man in the tree called to his comrade, who was trembling +at the mouth of the cavern:</p> +<p>"Stay in the cave, you idiot!"</p> +<p>"You don't know nothing about this hole," bawled the other. +"There's a bear in it!"</p> +<a name="H207" id="H207"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DINING</h3> +<p>A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic +marathon.—<i>John E. Rosser</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, +turn over, and do such queer stunts."</p> +<p>"I am not surprised; he never did have good table manners."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Chakey, Chakey," called the big sister as she stood in the +doorway and looked down the street toward the group of small boys: +"Chakey, come in alreaty and eat youseself. Maw she's on the table +and Paw he's half et."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady of Cork,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose Pa made a fortune in pork;</p> +<p class="i4">He bought for his daughter</p> +<p class="i4">A tutor who taught her</p> +<p class="i2">To balance green peas on her fork.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is +that after an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping +in to luncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time +to put a bridle on our appetites!"</p> +<p>"Yes," replied the bishop, "this is the time to put a bit in our +mouths!"—<i>Christian Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady named Maud,</p> +<p class="i2">A very deceptive young fraud;</p> +<p class="i4">She never was able</p> +<p class="i4">To eat at the table,</p> +<p class="i2">But out in the pantry—O Lord!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Father's trip abroad did him so much good," said the self-made +man's daughter. "He looks better, feels better, and as for +appetite—honestly, it would just do your heart good to hear +him eat!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Whistler, the artist, was one day invited to dinner at a +friend's house and arrived at his destination two hours late.</p> +<p>"How extraordinary!" he exclaimed, as he walked into the +dining-room where the company was seated at the table; "really, I +should think you might have waited a bit—why, you're just +like a lot of pigs with your eating!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A macaroon,</p> +<p class="i4">A cup of tea,</p> +<p class="i2">An afternoon,</p> +<p class="i4">Is all that she</p> +<p class="i2">Will eat;</p> +<p class="i4">She's in society.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But let me take</p> +<p class="i4">This maiden fair</p> +<p class="i2">To some café,</p> +<p class="i4">And, then and there,</p> +<p class="i2">She'll eat the whole</p> +<p class="i4">Blame bill of fare.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>The Mystic Times</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables +for expected company when her mother called to her:</p> +<p>"Put down three forks at each place, dear."</p> +<p>Having made some observations on her own account when the +expected guests had dined with her mother before, she inquired +thoughtfully:</p> +<p>"Shall I give Uncle John three knives?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>For a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than +he does of his dinner—<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p> +<a name="H2071" id="H2071"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DIPLOMACY</h3> +<p>WIFE—"Please match this piece of silk for me before you +come home."</p> +<p>HUSBAND—"At the counter where the sweet little blond +works? The one with the soulful eyes and—"</p> +<p>WIFE—"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's +work is done, dear. On second thought, I won't bother you."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath. A +witty repartee sometimes helps one immensely also.</p> +<p>When Richard Olney was secretary of state he frequently gave +expression to the opinion that appointees to the consular service +should speak the language of the countries to which they were +respectively accredited. It is said that when a certain breezy and +enterprising western politician who was desirous of serving the +Cleveland administration in the capacity of consul of the Chinese +ports presented his papers to Mr. Olney, the secretary +remarked:</p> +<p>"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the +President the appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language +of the country to which he desires to go? Now, I suppose you do not +speak Chinese?"</p> +<p>Whereupon the westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary," +said he, "you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy +to answer it." He got the appointment.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Miss de Simpson," said the young secretary of legation, "I have +opened negotiations with your father upon the subject +of—er—coming to see you oftener, with a view ultimately +to forming an alliance, and he has responded favorably. May I ask +if you will ratify the arrangement, as a <i>modus vivendi?</i>"</p> +<p>"Mr. von Harris," answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat, +"don't you think it would have been a more graceful recognition of +my administrative entity if you had asked me first?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I call'd the devil and he came,</p> +<p class="i4">And with wonder his form did I closely scan;</p> +<p class="i2">He is not ugly, and is not lame,</p> +<p class="i4">But really a handsome and charming man.</p> +<p class="i2">A man in the prime of life is the devil,</p> +<p class="i2">Obliging, a man of the world, and civil;</p> +<p class="i2">A diplomatist too, well skill'd in debate,</p> +<p class="i2">He talks quite glibly of church and state.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Heine</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H208" id="H208"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DISCIPLINE</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Military discipline; Parents.</p> +<a name="H209" id="H209"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DISCOUNTS</h3> +<p>A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the +pockets of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a +traveling salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished +out $200, but rapidly took $4 from the pile and placed it in his +vest pocket.</p> +<p>"What do you mean by that?" asked the robber, as he toyed with +his revolver. Hurriedly came the answer: "Mine frent, you surely +vould not refuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash +transaction like dis?"</p> +<a name="H210" id="H210"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DISCRETION</h3> +<p>When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club.</p> +<a name="H211" id="H211"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DISPOSITION</h3> +<p>One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents +to animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the +killing of a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition +of carcass?" he wrote: "Kind and gentle."</p> +<p>There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered. +He was always cross.</p> +<a name="H212" id="H212"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DISTANCES</h3> +<p>A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the +rolling prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, +blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were +impatient to reach the next town.</p> +<p>A rancher rode past.</p> +<p>"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the +next town?"</p> +<p>"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the +rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was +encountered.</p> +<p>"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.</p> +<p>"Oh, a good two miles."</p> +<p>A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third +rancher.</p> +<p>"Hey, how far's the next town?"</p> +<p>"Not far," was the encouraging answer. "Only about two +miles."</p> +<p>"Well," sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holdin' +our own, anyhow!"</p> +<a name="H213" id="H213"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DIVORCE</h3> +<p>"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a +week what would you call it?"</p> +<p>"Taking his name in vain."—<i>Princeton Tiger</i>.</p> +<a name="H214" id="H214"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DOGS</h3> +<p>LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost +poodle)—"The poor little darling, where did you find +him?"</p> +<p>TRAMP—"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was +cleaning the windows wiv 'im!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were +told that they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at +night. So they bought the largest dog that was for sale in the +kennels of a neighboring dog fancier, who was a German. Shortly +afterward the house was entered by burglars who made a good haul, +while the big dog slept. The man went to the dog fancier and told +him about it.</p> +<p>"Veil, vat you need now," said the dog merchant, "is a leedle +dog to vake up the big dog."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Dogs is mighty useful beasts</p> +<p class="i4">They might seem bad at first</p> +<p class="i2">They might seem worser right along</p> +<p class="i4">But when they're dead</p> +<p class="i10">They're wurst."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Ellis Parker Butler</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"My dog took first prize at the cat show."</p> +<p>"How was that?"</p> +<p>"He took the cat."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FAIR VISITOR—"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a +thorough brushing?"</p> +<p>FOND MISTRESS—"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some +horrid person, and, really, you know, one can't be too +careful."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little +harmless, affectionate poodle?"</p> +<p>"Well, what are you going to do about it?"</p> +<p>"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice brass +collar?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Fleshy Miss Muffet</p> +<p class="i2">Sat down on Tuffet,</p> +<p class="i4">A very good dog in his way;</p> +<p class="i2">When she saw what she'd done,</p> +<p class="i2">She started to run—</p> +<p class="i4">And Tuffet was buried next day.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>L.T.H</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at +Swansea, R. I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning +when a rash dog ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. +Stevens promptly kicked the animal halfway across the tracks, and +was immediately confronted by the owner, who demanded an +explanation in language more forcible than courteous.</p> +<p>"Why," said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your +dog's mad."</p> +<p>"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't +mad!"</p> +<p>"Oh, ain't he?" cut in Stevens. "Gosh! I should be if any one +kicked me like that!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs, +while the other stood up for the setter.</p> +<p>"I once owned a setter," declared the latter, "which was very +intelligent. I had him on the street one day, and he acted so +queerly about a certain man we met that I asked the man his name, +and—"</p> +<p>"Oh, that's an old story!" the collie's advocate broke in +sneeringly. "The man's name was Partridge, of course, and because +of that the dog came to a set. Ho, ho! Come again!"</p> +<p>"You're mistaken," rejoined the other suavely. "The dog didn't +come quite to a set, though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's +name was Quayle, and the dog hesitated on account of the +spelling!"—<i>P. R. Benson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The more one sees of men the more one likes dogs.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Dachshunds.</p> +<a name="H215" id="H215"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DOMESTIC FINANCE</h3> +<p>"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a +strategist himself."</p> +<p>"As to how?"</p> +<p>"Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found +it out yet."—<i>Washington Herald</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her little boy the +story of a young lad whose father was taken ill and died, after +which he set himself diligently to work to support himself and his +mother. When she had finished her story she said:</p> +<p>"Dear Billy, if your papa were to die, would you work to support +your dear mamma?"</p> +<p>"Naw!" said Billy unexpectedly.</p> +<p>"But why not?"</p> +<p>"Ain't we got a good house to live in?"</p> +<p>"Yes, dearie, but we can't eat the house, you know."</p> +<p>"Ain't there a lot o' stuff in the pantry?"</p> +<p>"Yes, but that won't last forever."</p> +<p>"It'll last till you git another husband, won't it? You're a +pretty good looker, ma!"</p> +<p>Mamma gave up right there.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I am sending you a thousand kisses," he wrote to his fair young +wife who was spending her first month away from him. Two days later +he received the following telegram: "Kisses received. Landlord +refuses to accept any of them on account." Then he woke up and +forwarded a check.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Trouble.</p> +<a name="H216" id="H216"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DOMESTIC RELATIONS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young man of Dunbar,</p> +<p class="i2">Who playfully poisoned his Ma;</p> +<p class="i4">When he'd finished his work,</p> +<p class="i4">He remarked with a smirk,</p> +<p class="i2">"This will cause quite a family jar."</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Families; Marriage.</p> +<a name="H217" id="H217"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DRAMA</h3> +<p>The average modern play calls in the first act for all our +faith, in the second for all our hope, and in the last for all our +charity.—<i>Eugene Walter</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't +having a good time. He cared nothing for the Shakespearean +drama.</p> +<p>"What's the greatest play you ever saw?" the young woman asked, +observing his abstraction.</p> +<p>Instantly he brightened.</p> +<p>"Tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting +the ball over to Chance in time to nab the runner to first!" he +said.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>LARRY—"I like Professor Whatishisname in Shakespeare. He +brings things home to you that you never saw before."</p> +<p>HARRY—"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I think I love and reverence all arts equally, only putting my +own just above the others.... To me it seems as if when God +conceived the world, that was Poetry; He formed it, and that was +Sculpture; He colored it, and that was Painting; He peopled it with +living beings, and that was the grand, divine, eternal +Drama.—<i>Charlotte Cushman</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two women were leaving the theater after a performance of "The +Doll's House."</p> +<p>"Oh, don't you <i>love</i> Ibsen?" asked one, ecstatically. +"Doesn't he just take all the hope out of life?"</p> +<a name="H218" id="H218"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DRAMATIC CRITICISM</h3> +<p>Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism.</p> +<p>"I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard +in the lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the +play."</p> +<p>"The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for +his wife's ears alone, consisted of these words:</p> +<p>"'Well, you would come!'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury +Theatre, London, told of an experience he once had with a juvenile +deadhead in a town in America. Standing outside the theater a +little time before the performance was due to begin he observed a +small boy with an anxious, forlorn look on his face and a +weedy-looking pup in his arms.</p> +<p>Goodwin inquired what was the matter, and was told that the boy +wished to sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the +gallery. The actor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pass on +the "sympathy racket," but allowing himself to be taken in he gave +the boy a pass. The dog was deposited in a safe place and the boy +was able to watch Goodwin as the Gilded Fool from a good seat in +the gallery. Next day Goodwin saw the boy again near the theater, +so he asked:</p> +<p>"Well, sonny, how did you like the show?"</p> +<p>"I'm glad I didn't sell my dog," was the reply.</p> +<a name="H219" id="H219"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DRAMATISTS</h3> +<p>"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the +boards."</p> +<p>"Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the +snow storm scene."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" +remarked the tourist.</p> +<p>"Yes," replied the manager of the Frozen Dog Opera House. "He's +got a five-mile start and I don't think the boys kin ketch +him."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied.</p> +<p>Here's an advertisement taken from a morning paper that shows to +what a pass a genius may come in a great city:</p> +<p>"Wanted—A collaborator, by a young playwright. The play is +already written; collaborator to furnish board and bed until play +is produced."</p> +<a name="H220" id="H220"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DRESSMAKERS</h3> +<p>WIFE—"Wretch! Show me that letter."</p> +<p>HUSBAND—"What letter?"</p> +<p>WIFE—"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see +by the writing, and you turned pale when you saw it."</p> +<p>HUSBAND—"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's +bill."</p> +<a name="H221" id="H221"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DRINKING</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober,</p> +<p class="i2">Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October;</p> +<p class="i2">But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow,</p> +<p class="i2">Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Parody on Fletcher</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no +occasion.—<i>Cervantes</i>.</p> +<p>I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish +courtesy would invent some other custom of +entertainment.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The Frenchman loves his native wine;</p> +<p class="i4">The German loves his beer;</p> +<p class="i2">The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf,</p> +<p class="i4">Because it brings good cheer;</p> +<p class="i2">The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight,"</p> +<p class="i4">Because it gives him dizziness;</p> +<p class="i2">The American has no choice at all,</p> +<p class="i4">So he drinks the whole blamed business.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and +nights to an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there +was. He couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining +of a disordered stomach.</p> +<p>"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor.</p> +<p>"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty."</p> +<p>"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple +instead of taking a drink."</p> +<p>The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he +told his experience.</p> +<p>"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a +day!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you +think is wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little +makes you both drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company +by doing so."—<i>Lord Chesterfield</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the +slip.—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's +resolution.—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)—"What do you +drink."</p> +<p>SANDY (with brightening face)—"Oh, I'm nae particular, +doctor! Anything you've got with ye."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Here's to the girls of the American shore, I love but one, I +love no more, Since she's not here to drink her part, I'll drink +her share with all my heart.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine +recently, when news reached him of an addition to his family +circle. The happy father immediately provided himself with some +water from the Jordan to carry home for the christening of the +infant, and returned to Scotland.</p> +<p>On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented +himself at the church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand +over the precious water to his care. He pulled the flask from his +pocket, but the beadle held up a warning hand, and came nearer to +whisper:</p> +<p>"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of +the university, reports came to him that one of his young charges +was in the habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him, +and President Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the +matter.</p> +<p>Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after +breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded, +"Young man, do you drink?"</p> +<p>"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot, +not so early in the morning, thank you."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>WIFE (on auto tour)—"That fellow back there said there is +a road-house a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"</p> +<p>HUSBAND—"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish +parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering +from a recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few +moments the barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There, +Pat, you have cut me," said the priest as he raised his hand and +caressed the wound. "Yis, y'r riv'rance," answered the barber. +"That shows you," continued the priest, in a tone of censure, "what +the use of liquor will do." "Yis, y'r riv'rance," replied the +barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of +an experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town.</p> +<p>"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that +I should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only +hotel. The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a +kindly air as I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of +hearing, a fact of which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back +into the dish of bird shot, I said:</p> +<p>"'Can you direct me to the bank?'</p> +<p>"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the +register around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville' +after my name, and an expression of complete understanding lighting +up his countenance, he said:</p> +<p>"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door +at the left.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance; +Wine.</p> +<a name="H222" id="H222"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DROUGHTS</h3> +<p>Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through +Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country.</p> +<p>"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the +natives.</p> +<p>"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's +bullfrogs in this yere town over five years old that hain't learned +to swim yet!"</p> +<a name="H223" id="H223"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DRUNKARDS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Sing a song of sick gents,</p> +<p class="i2">Pockets full of rye,</p> +<p class="i2">Four and twenty highballs,</p> +<p class="i2">We wish that we might die.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after +being out nearly all night.</p> +<p>"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one.</p> +<p>"Not often," replied the other; "she throws pretty +straight."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Where's old Four-Fingered Pete?" asked Alkali Ike. "I ain't +seen him around here since I got back."</p> +<p>"Pete?" said the bartender. "Oh, he went up to Hyena Tongue and +got jagged. Went up to a hotel winder, stuck his head in and +hollered 'Fire!' and everybody did."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in +Lord Rossmore's recent book "Things I Can Tell." While acting as +magistrate at an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old +offender brought before him: "You here again?" "Yes, your honor." +"What's brought you here?" "Two policemen, your honor." "Come, +come, I know that—drunk again, I suppose?" "Yes, your honor, +both of them."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The colonel came down to breakfast New Year's morning with a +bandaged hand.</p> +<p>"Why, colonel, what's the matter?" they asked.</p> +<p>"Confound it all!" the colonel answered, "we had a little party +last night, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped +on my hand."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MAGISTRATE—"And what was the prisoner doing?"</p> +<p>CONSTABLE—"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab +driver, yer worship."</p> +<p>MAGISTRATE—"But that doesn't prove he was drunk."</p> +<p>CONSTABLE—"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer +worship."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a +wedding, began to consider the state into which their potations at +the wedding feast had left them.</p> +<p>"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go +ahead. Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might +remark something not just right."</p> +<p>He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then +asked:</p> +<p>"How is it? Am I walking straight?"</p> +<p>"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht—but +who's that who's with ye."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and +kicking most vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a +near-by policeman.</p> +<p>"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.</p> +<p>"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I +know she'sh home all right—I shee a light upshtairs."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a +thoughtful brow boarded a New York elevated train and took the only +unoccupied seat. The man next him had evidently been drinking. For +a while the little man contented himself with merely sniffing +contemptuously at his neighbor, but finally he summoned the +guard.</p> +<p>"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken +people to ride upon this train?"</p> +<p>"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But +don't say a word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me +I'd never have noticed ye."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up +the street. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. After +considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the +door. A woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and +demanded, none too sweetly: "What do you want?"</p> +<p>"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the +steps, with an elaborate bow.</p> +<p>"It is. What do you want?"</p> +<p>"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus +Smith?"</p> +<p>"Yes. What do you want?"</p> +<p>"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will +you—hic—come down an' pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of +us want to go home."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented +California in the United States Senate, was like many others of his +class somewhat addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle +long with them without showing the effect of the struggle. Even in +his most exhausted condition he was, however, brilliant at +repartee; but one night, at a supper of journalists given to the +late George D. Prentice, a genius of the same mold and the same +unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthy of his steel in General +John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at some anti-slavery +sentiments which had been uttered—it was in war +times—and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth +time to make a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance, +however; on the contrary, it quite deprived him of the power of +speech; and after an ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly +concluded:</p> +<p>"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall."</p> +<p>"I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General Cochrane, springing +to his feet; "but what was that last remark?"</p> +<p>McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall."</p> +<p>"There must be some error," said Cochrane, gravely. "I have +known Mr. McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as +late as twelve o'clock at night he knew what his name was."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest +son were seated in the village inn. The father had partaken +liberally of the home-brewed beer, and was warning his son against +the evils of intemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A +gentleman stops when he has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace."</p> +<p>"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am +drunk?"</p> +<p>The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men +sitting in the corner? If you see four men there, you would be +drunk."</p> +<p>The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father, +but—but—there is only one man in that +corner."—<i>W. Karl Hilbrich</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men in +important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to +intoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at +unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for +instructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank.</p> +<p>"He hasn't come down yet, sir," reported the office boy.</p> +<p>"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him."</p> +<p>"He hasn't come down yet either."</p> +<p>"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon—anybody; I +want to see one of them at once."</p> +<p>"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a +celebration last night and—"</p> +<p>Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet +way:</p> +<p>"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the +effects of it than anybody in the world."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is a drunken man like, Fool?"</p> +<p>"Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one draught above heat +makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns +him."—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +<a name="H224" id="H224"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>DYSPEPSIA</h3> +<p>"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from +dyspepsia."</p> +<p>"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You +look healthy enough."</p> +<p>"Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has."</p> +<a name="H225" id="H225"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ECHOES</h3> +<p>An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of +one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the +visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the +echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud +Scotsman, turning to the Yankee exclaimed:</p> +<p>"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your +country."</p> +<p>"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better +that. Why in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean +out of my window and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight +hours afterward the echo comes back and wakes me."</p> +<a name="H226" id="H226"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ECONOMY</h3> +<p>An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down +some other person's expenses.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Economy is going without something you do want in case you +should, some day, want something which you probably won't +want.—<i>Anthony Hope</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out +of it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a +last year's straw hat.—<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Economy is a great revenue.—<i>Cicero</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Domestic finance; Saving; Thrift.</p> +<a name="H227" id="H227"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EDITORS</h3> +<p>Recipe for an editor:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Take a personal hatred of authors,</p> +<p class="i4">Mix this with a fiendish delight</p> +<p class="i2">In refusing all efforts of genius</p> +<p class="i4">And maiming all poets on sight.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the +newspaper world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of +his caustic and biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the +tables were turned upon him in a way that left him speechless for +days.</p> +<p>A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor +did not approve of. The morning of publication this reporter +drifted into the office and encountered his chief, who was in a +white heat of anger. Carefully suppressing the explosion, however, +the boss started in with ominous and icy words:</p> +<p>"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have +written. On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have +watched your work recently, and it is my opinion, reached after +calm and dispassionate observation, that you are mentally +unbalanced. You are insane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends +should take you in hand. The very kindest suggestion I can make is +that you visit an alienist and place yourself under treatment. So +far you have shown no sign of violence, but what the future holds +for you no one can tell. I say this in all kindness and frankness. +You are discharged."</p> +<p>The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to +Bellevue Hospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the +resident surgeon that there was a suspicion that he was not all +right mentally and asked to be examined. The doctor put him through +the regular routine and then said,</p> +<p>"Right as a top."</p> +<p>"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to +that effect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the +certificate tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an +hour later, walked up to the city editor, handed it to him +silently, and then blurted out,</p> +<p>"Now you go get one."</p> +<a name="H228" id="H228"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EDUCATION</h3> +<p>Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the +plains from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly +after that he "struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with +having more wealth than any one else in Colorado. A man of great +shrewdness and ability, he was exceedingly sensitive over his +inability to read or write. One day an old-timer met him with:</p> +<p>"How are you getting along, Pat?"</p> +<p>"Go 'way from me now," said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' wid +business. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer +finally found its way to a distant mountain village where it was +evidently welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully +written, if somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern +"cracker" asking further particulars about one of the listed +articles.</p> +<p>To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a +type-written answer. Almost by return mail came a reply:</p> +<p>"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you +need not print your letters to me. I can read writing."</p> +<a name="H229" id="H229"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EFFICIENCY</h3> +<p>An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army +maneuvers. He was especially impressed with the German motor +ambulances. As the tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under +a tree, the axle of one of the motor ambulances broke. Instantly +the man leaped out, ran into the village, returned in a jiffy with +a new axle, fixed it in place with wonderful skill, and +teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new.</p> +<p>"There's efficiency for you," said the American admirably. +"There's German efficiency for you. No matter what breaks, there's +always a stock at hand from which to supply the needed part."</p> +<p>And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had +just witnessed, the tourist returned to the village and ordered up +his car. But he couldn't use it. The axle was missing.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A curious little man sat next an elderly, prosperous looking man +in a smoking car.</p> +<p>"How many people work in your office?" he asked.</p> +<p>"Oh," responded the elderly man, getting up and throwing away +his cigar, "I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of +them."</p> +<a name="H230" id="H230"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EGOTISM</h3> +<p>In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below +the dignity of a man of ten years.</p> +<p>"Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing +in the wars, and do you think you are better than George +Washington?"</p> +<p>"I don't know," replied the boy seriously. "Only time can tell +that."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself:</p> +<p>"Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't +know me.</p> +<p>"An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass.</p> +<p>"'My, my,' I said, 'what am I to do now?'</p> +<p>"'See that there tree?' said the boy, pointing to a tall tree a +mile away. 'Well, drive straight for that.'</p> +<p>"I lofted vigorously, and, fortunately, my ball soared up into +the air; it landed, and it rolled right on to the putting +green.</p> +<p>"'How's that, my boy?' I cried.</p> +<p>"The caddie stared at me with envious eyes.</p> +<p>"'Gee, boss,' he said, 'if I had your strength and you had my +brains what a pair we'd make!'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The late Marshall Field had a very small office-boy who came to +the great merchant one day with a request for an increase in +wages.</p> +<p>"Huh!" said Mr. Field, looking at him as if through a +magnifying-glass. "Want a raise, do you? How much are you +getting?"</p> +<p>"Three dollars a week," chirped the little chap.</p> +<p>"Three dollars a week!" exclaimed his employer. "Why, when I was +your age I only got two dollars."</p> +<p>"Oh, well, that's different," piped the youngster. "I guess you +weren't worth any more."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the man who is wisest and best,</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to the man who with judgment is blest.</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to the man who's as smart as can be—</p> +<p class="i2">I mean the man who agrees with me.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H231" id="H231"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ELECTIONS</h3> +<p>In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and +Germans. In a recent election a local option question was up.</p> +<p>After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One +German was calling off and another taking down the option votes. +The first German, running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Vet, +vet, vet, vet,..." Suddenly he stopped. "<i>Mein Gott</i>!" he +cried: "<i>Dry</i>!"</p> +<p>Then he went on—"Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."</p> +<p>Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "<i>Himmel</i>!" +he said. "Der son of a gun repeated!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>WILLIS—"What's the election today for? Anybody happen to +know?"</p> +<p>GILLIS—"It is to determine whether we shall have a +convention to nominate delegates who will be voted on as to whether +they will attend a caucus which will decide whether we shall have a +primary to determine whether the people want to vote on this same +question again next year."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One year, when the youngsters of a certain Illinois village met +for the purpose of electing a captain of their baseball team for +the coming season, it appeared that there were an excessive number +of candidates for the post, with more than the usual wrangling.</p> +<p>Youngster after youngster presented his qualifications for the +post; and the matter was still undecided when the son of the owner +of the ball-field stood up. He was a small, snub-nosed lad, with a +plentiful supply of freckles, but he glanced about him with a +dignified air of controlling the situation.</p> +<p>"I'm going to be captain this year," he announced convincingly, +"or else Father's old bull is going to be turned into the +field."</p> +<p>He was elected unanimously.—<i>Fenimore Martin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I consider biennial elections as a security that the sober +second thought of the people shall be law.—<i>Fisher +Ames</i>.</p> +<a name="H232" id="H232"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ELECTRICITY</h3> +<p>In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the +difference between lightning and electricity?"</p> +<p>And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for +lightning."</p> +<a name="H233" id="H233"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS</h3> +<p>A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's +cottage at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there +being a scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young +gentleman took Willie on his lap.</p> +<p>Then, during a pause in the conversation, little Willie looked +up at the young gentleman and piped:</p> +<p>"Am I as heavy as sister Mabel?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The late Charles Coghlan was a man of great wit and resource. +When he was living in London, his wife started for an out-of-town +visit. For some reason she found it necessary to return home, and +on her way thither she saw her husband step out of a cab and hand a +lady from it. Mrs. Coghlan confronted the pair. The actor was equal +to the situation.</p> +<p>"My dear," he said to his wife, "allow me to present Miss Blank. +Mrs. Coghlan, Miss Blank."</p> +<p>The two bowed coldly while Coghlan quickly added:</p> +<p>"I know you ladies have ever so many things you want to say to +each other, so I will ask to be excused."</p> +<p>He lifted his hat, stepped into the cab, and was whirled +away.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The evening callers were chatting gaily with the Kinterbys when +a patter of little feet was heard from the head of the stairs. Mrs. +Kinterby raised her hand, warning the others to silence.</p> +<p>"Hush!" she said, softly. "The children are going to deliver +their 'good-night' message. It always gives me a feeling of +reverence to hear them—they are so much nearer the Creator +than we are, and they speak the love that is in their little hearts +never so fully as when the dark has come. Listen!"</p> +<p>There was a moment of tense silence. Then—"Mama," came the +message in a shrill whisper, "Willy found a bedbug!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning," said a +husband to another.</p> +<p>"How was that?"</p> +<p>"Why, I came home late, and my wife heard me and said, 'John, +what time is it?' and I said, 'Only twelve, my dear,' and just then +that cuckoo clock of ours sang out three times."</p> +<p>"What did you do?"</p> +<p>"Why, I just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Your husband will be all right now," said an English doctor to +a woman whose husband was dangerously ill.</p> +<p>"What do you mean?" demanded the wife. "You told me 'e couldn't +live a fortnight."</p> +<p>"Well, I'm going to cure him, after all," said the doctor. +"Surely you are glad?"</p> +<p>The woman wrinkled her brows.</p> +<p>"Puts me in a bit of an 'ole," she said. "I've bin an' sold all +'is clothes to pay for 'is funeral."</p> +<a name="H234" id="H234"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES</h3> +<p>"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 +a month right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it."</p> +<p>"Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his +help that way can hang on to his business."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>EARNEST YOUNG MAN—"Have you any advice to a struggling +young employee?"</p> +<p>FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN—"Yes. Don't work."</p> +<p>EARNEST YOUNG MAN—"Don't work?"</p> +<p>FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN—"No. Become an employer."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>General Benjamin F. Butler built a house in Washington on the +same plans as his home in Lowell, Mass., and his studies were +furnished in exactly the same way. He and his secretary, M. W. +Clancy, afterward City Clerk of Washington for many years, were +constantly traveling between the two places.</p> +<p>One day a senator called upon General Butler in Lowell and the +next day in Washington to find him and his secretary engaged upon +the same work that had occupied them in Massachusetts.</p> +<p>"Heavens, Clancy, don't you ever stop?"</p> +<p>"No," interposed General Butler,</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"'Satan finds some michief still</p> +<p class="i2">For idle hands to do.'"</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Clancy arose and bowed, saying:</p> +<p>"General, I never was sure until now what my employer was. I had +heard the rumor, but I always discredited it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>W.J. ("Fingy") Conners, the New York politician, who is not +precisely a Chesterfield, secured his first great freight-handling +contract when he was a roustabout on the Buffalo docks. When the +job was about to begin he called a thousand burly "dock-wallopers" +to order, as narrated by one of his business friends:</p> +<p>"Now," roared Conners, "yez are to worruk for me, and I want +ivery man here to understand what's what. I kin lick anny man in +the gang."</p> +<p>Nine hundred and ninety-nine swallowed the insult, but one huge, +double-fisted warrior moved uneasily and stepping from the line he +said "You can't lick me, Jim Conners."</p> +<p>"I can't, can't I?" bellowed "Fingy."</p> +<p>"No, you can't" was the determined response.</p> +<p>"Oh, well, thin, go to the office and git your money," said +"Fingy." "I'll have no man in me gang that I can't lick."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights Mr. +Wiggins as a game of baseball, and when he gets a chance to exploit +the two, both at the same time, he may be said to be the happiest +man in the world. Hence it was that the other day, when little red +headed Willie Mulligan, his office boy, came sniffing into his +presence to ask for the afternoon off that he might attend his +grandfather's funeral, Wiggins deemed it a masterly stroke to +answer:</p> +<p>"Why, certainly, Willie. What's more, my boy, if you'll wait for +me I'll go with you."</p> +<p>"All right, sir," sniffed Willie as he returned to his desk and +waited patiently.</p> +<p>And, lo and behold, poor little Willie had told the truth, and +when he and Wiggins started out together the latter not only lost +one of the best games of the season, but had to attend the +obsequies of an old lady in whom he had no interest whatever as +well.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>CHIEF CLERK (to office boy)—"Why on earth don't you laugh +when the boss tells a joke?"</p> +<p>OFFICE BOY—"I don't have to; I quit on +Saturday."—<i>Satire</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>James J. Hill, the Railway King, told the following amusing +incident that happened on one of his roads:</p> +<p>"One of our division superintendents had received numerous +complaints that freight trains were in the habit of stopping on a +grade crossing in a certain small town, thereby blocking travel for +long periods. He issued orders, but still the complaints came in. +Finally he decided to investigate personally.</p> +<p>"A short man in size and very excitable, he went down to the +crossing, and, sure enough, there stood, in defiance of his orders, +a long freight train, anchored squarely across it. A brakeman who +didn't know him by sight sat complacently on the top of the +car.</p> +<p>"'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super.' 'Get it off +the crossing so people can pass. Move on, I say!'</p> +<p>"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to +foot. 'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp,' he replied. 'You're +small enough to crawl under.'"</p> +<a name="H235" id="H235"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ENEMIES</h3> +<p>An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife +sent for a near-by preacher to pray with him.</p> +<p>The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally +the old man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?"</p> +<p>"Renounce the Devil, renounce the Devil," replied the +preacher.</p> +<p>"Well, but, Parson," protested the dying man, "I ain't in +position to make any enemies."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is better to decide a difference between enemies than +friends, for one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and +one of our enemies a friend.—<i>Bias</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The world is large when its weary leagues</p> +<p class="i4">two loving hearts divide;</p> +<p class="i2">But the world is small when your enemy is</p> +<p class="i4">loose on the other side.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>John Boyle O'Reilly</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H236" id="H236"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ENGLAND</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Great Britain.</p> +<a name="H237" id="H237"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ENGLISH LANGUAGE</h3> +<p>A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: +"Please do not touch the Lift at your own risk."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and +each verb considered was used in a model sentence, so that the +students would gain the benefit of pronouncing the connected series +of words, as well as learning the varying forms of the verb. This +morning it was the verb "to have" in the sentence, "I have a gold +mine."</p> +<p>Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff.</p> +<p>"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I haff a golt mine," the +professor ordered.</p> +<p>"I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he hass a golt hiss. +Ve, you or dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may +be."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Language is the expression of ideas, and if the people of one +country cannot preserve an identity of ideas, they cannot retain an +identity of language.—<i>Noah Webster</i>.</p> +<a name="H238" id="H238"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ENGLISHMEN</h3> +<p>He who laughs last is an Englishman.—<i>Princeton +Tiger</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became +the center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the +comedian a cigar, saying that it was a new production.</p> +<p>"With each cigar, you understand," the promoter said, "I will +give a coupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you +may bring the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand +piano."</p> +<p>Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: "If +I smoked three thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp +instead of a grand piano."</p> +<p>There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not +join, but presently he exploded with merriment. "I see the point" +he exclaimed. "Being an actor, you have to travel around the +country a great deal and a harp would be so much more convenient to +carry."</p> +<a name="H239" id="H239"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ENTHUSIASM</h3> +<p>Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of +Work Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature +enthusiast, he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy +woman. He began to dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in +somewhat gushing phrases. The woman paid no attention to him. +Provoked by her irresponsiveness, he said, "You don't seem to care +for this magnificent scenery?" She took the pipe from her mouth and +delivered this settler: "I enjies it; I don't jabber."</p> +<a name="H240" id="H240"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EPITAPHS</h3> +<p>LITTLE CLARENCE—"Pa!"</p> +<p>HIS FATHER—"Well, my son?"</p> +<p>LITTLE CLARENCE—"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day +and read the inscriptions on the tombstones."</p> +<p>HIS FATHER—"And what were your thoughts after you had done +so?"</p> +<p>LITTLE CLARENCE—"Why, pa, I wondered where all the wicked +people were buried."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her +around the village. Among the places visited was the churchyard, +and the bride paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had +been erected by the bridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she +asked him to read the inscription, and in reverent tones he +read:</p> +<p>"Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved +wife of John Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John +Smith—"</p> +<p>He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the +bottom line, read, to her horror:</p> +<p>"Be Ye Also Ready."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man wished to have something original on his wife's headstone +and hit upon, "Lord, she was Thine." He had his own ideas of the +size of the letters and the space between words, and gave +instructions to the stonemason. The latter carried them out all +right, except that he could not get in the "E" in Thine.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow +to her loving husband, bearing this inscription: "Rest in +peace—until we meet again."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An epitaph in an old Moravian cemetery reads thus:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Remember, friend, as you pass by,</p> +<p class="i2">As you are now, so once was I;</p> +<p class="i2">As I am now thus you must be,</p> +<p class="i2">So be prepared to follow me.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>There had been written underneath in pencil, presumably by some +wag:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To follow you I'm not content</p> +<p class="i2">Till I find out which way you went.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I expected it, but I didn't expect it quite so +soon.—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">After Life's scarlet fever</p> +<p class="i2">I sleep well.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton,</p> +<p class="i2">Who never did aught to vex one.</p> +<p class="i2">(Not like the woman under the next stone.)</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>As a general thing, the writer of epitaphs is a monumental +liar.—<i>John E. Rosser</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">Maria Brown,<br /> +Wife of Timothy Brown,<br /> +aged 80 years.<br /> +She lived with her husband fifty years, and died<br /> +in the confident hope of a better life.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Here lies the body of Enoch Holden, who died suddenly and +unexpectedly by being kicked to death by a cow. Well done, good and +faithful servant!</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A bereaved husband feeling his loss very keenly found it +desirable to divert his mind by traveling abroad. Before his +departure, however, he left orders for a tombstone with the +inscription:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"The light of my life has gone out."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Travel brought unexpected and speedy relief, and before the time +for his return he had taken another wife. It was then that he +remembered the inscription, and thinking it would not be pleasing +to his new wife, he wrote to the stone-cutter, asking that he +exercise his ingenuity in adapting it to the new conditions. After +his return he took his new wife to see the tombstone and found that +the inscription had been made to read:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"The light of my life has gone out,</p> +<p class="i2">But I have struck another match."</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="center">Here lies Bernard Lightfoot,<br /> +Who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth year<br /> +of his age.<br /> +This monument was erected by his grateful family.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I thought it mushroom when I found</p> +<p class="i4">It in the woods, forsaken;</p> +<p class="i2">But since I sleep beneath this mound,</p> +<p class="i4">I must have been mistaken.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On the tombstone of a Mr. Box appears this inscription:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Here lies one Box within another.</p> +<p class="i2">The one of wood was very good,</p> +<p class="i4">We cannot say so much for t'other.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Nobles and heralds by your leave,</p> +<p class="i4">Here lies what once was Matthew Prior;</p> +<p class="i2">The son of Adam and of Eve;</p> +<p class="i4">Can Bourbon or Nassau claim higher?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Prior</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Kind reader! take your choice to cry or laugh;</p> +<p class="i2">Here Harold lies-but where's his Epitaph?</p> +<p class="i2">If such you seek, try Westminster, and view</p> +<p class="i2">Ten thousand, just as fit for him as you.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming +familiarities inscribed upon your ordinary +tombstone.—<i>Charles Lamb</i>.</p> +<a name="H241" id="H241"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EPITHETS</h3> +<p>John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who +complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some +neighbors. Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study.</p> +<p>"My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?"</p> +<p>The boy hung his head. "Yes, father." "And did you call Mr. +Jones a worse fool?"</p> +<p>"Yes, father."</p> +<p>Mr. Fiske frowned and pondered for a minute. Then he said:</p> +<p>"Well, my son, that is just about the distinction I should +make."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"See that man over there. He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammer +nonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!"</p> +<p>"Would you mind writing all that down for me?"</p> +<p>"Why in the world—"</p> +<p>"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some +time."</p> +<a name="H242" id="H242"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EQUALITY</h3> +<p>As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the +other day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. +"Clear out of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer +on the bridge.</p> +<p>A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. "Are +ye the captain of that vessel?"</p> +<p>"No," answered the officer.</p> +<p>"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from +the barge.</p> +<a name="H243" id="H243"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ERMINE</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Said an envious, erudite ermine:</p> +<p class="i2">"There's one thing I cannot determine:</p> +<p class="i4">When a man wears my coat,</p> +<p class="i4">He's a person of note,</p> +<p class="i2">While I'm but a species of vermin!"</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H244" id="H244"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ESCAPES</h3> +<p>There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a +sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the +bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond.</p> +<p>A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the +shouts and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a +large black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with +chattering teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.</p> +<p>The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to +the edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:</p> +<p>"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."</p> +<p>"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to +me. Hurry up. It's cold in here."</p> +<p>"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. +"What if you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up +to your shoulders."</p> +<p>"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet +deep if it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke +the ice!"</p> +<a name="H245" id="H245"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ETHICS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">My ethical state,</p> +<p class="i6">Were I wealthy and great,</p> +<p class="i2">Is a subject you wish I'd reply on.</p> +<p class="i6">Now who can foresee</p> +<p class="i6">What his morals <i>might</i> be?</p> +<p class="i2">What would yours be if you were a lion?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H246" id="H246"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ETIQUET</h3> +<p>A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was +visiting her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I +wish they would not do it."</p> +<p>"Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, +settling herself comfortably.</p> +<p>"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so +awkward."</p> +<p>"Can't thank them! Why not?"</p> +<p>"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the +Boston maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not +only that, but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and +letting it fall back into her mouth again.</p> +<p>"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't +do that. Chew your gum like a little lady."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>LITTLE BROTHER—"What's etiquet?"</p> +<p>LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER—"It's saying 'No, thank you,' when +you want to holler 'Gimme!'"—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A Lady there was of Antigua,</p> +<p class="i2">Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!"</p> +<p class="i4">He answered, "My queen,</p> +<p class="i4">Is it manners you mean,</p> +<p class="i2">Or do you refer to my figure?"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>They were at dinner and the dainties were on the table.</p> +<p>"Will you take tart or pudding?" asked Papa of Tommy.</p> +<p>"Tart," said Tommy promptly.</p> +<p>His father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he +had given the boy.</p> +<p>"Tart, what?" he queried kindly.</p> +<p>But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry.</p> +<p>"Tart, what?" asked the father again, sharply this time.</p> +<p>"Tart, first," answered Tommy triumphantly.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TOMMY'S AUNT—"Won't you have another piece of cake, +Tommy?"</p> +<p>TOMMY (on a visit)—"No, I thank you."</p> +<p>TOMMY'S AUNT—"You seem to be suffering from loss of +appetite."</p> +<p>TOMMY—"That ain't loss of appetite. What I'm sufferin' +from is politeness."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young man so benighted,</p> +<p class="i2">He never knew when he was slighted;</p> +<p class="i4">He would go to a party,</p> +<p class="i4">And eat just as hearty,</p> +<p class="i2">As if he'd been really invited.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H247" id="H247"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EUROPEAN WAR</h3> +<p>OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the +enemy)—"You fool! Come back at once!"</p> +<p>TOMMY—"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the +trench."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his +head up."</p> +<p>"Pride, eh?"</p> +<p>"No, Zeppelin neck."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>LITTLE GIRL (who has been sitting very still with a seraphic +expression)—"I wish I was an angel, mother!"</p> +<p>MOTHER—"What makes you say that, darling?"</p> +<p>LITTLE GIRL—"Because then I could drop bombs on the +Germans!"—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>From a sailor's letter to his wife:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Jane,—I am sending you a postal order for 10s., +which I hope you may get—but you may not—as this letter +has to pass the Censor."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two country darkies listened, awe-struck, while some planters +discussed the tremendous range of the new German guns.</p> +<p>"Dar now," exclaimed one negro, when his master had finished +expatiating on the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter +shell, "jes' lak I bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time! Don' le's +have no guns lak dem roun' heah! Why, us niggehs could start +runnin' erway, run all day, git almos' home free, an' den git kilt +jus' befo' suppeh!"</p> +<p>"Dat's de trufe," assented his companion, "an' lemme tell yo' +sumpin' else, Bo. All dem guns needs is jus' yo' <i>ad</i>-dress, +dat's all; jes' giv' em de <i>ad</i>-dress an' they'll git +yo'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> War.</p> +<a name="H248" id="H248"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EVIDENCE</h3> +<p>From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, +a policeman had managed to extract two prisoners.</p> +<p>"What is the charge against these young men?" asked the +magistrate before whom they were arraigned.</p> +<p>"Disturbin' the peace, yer honor," said the policeman. "They +were givin' their college yells in the street an' makin' trouble +generally."</p> +<p>"What is your name?" the judge asked one of the prisoners.</p> +<p>"Ro-ro-robert Ro-ro-rollins," stuttered the youth.</p> +<p>"I asked for your name, sir, not the evidence."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Maud Muller, on a summer night,</p> +<p class="i2">Turned down the only parlor light.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The judge, beside her, whispered things</p> +<p class="i2">Of wedding bells and diamond rings.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">He spoke his love in burning phrase,</p> +<p class="i2">And acted foolish forty ways.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">When he had gone Maud gave a laugh</p> +<p class="i2">And then turned off the dictagraph.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>—<i>Milwaukee Sentinel</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One day a hostess asked a well known Parisian judge: "Your +Honor, which do you prefer, Burgundy or Bordeaux?"</p> +<p>"Madame, that is a case in which I have so much pleasure in +taking the evidence that I always postpone judgment," was the wily +jurist's reply.</p> +<p><i>See also</i> Courts; Witnesses.</p> +<a name="H249" id="H249"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EXAMINATIONS</h3> +<p>An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid +to sacred history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was +not, for God took him." So many times was this repeated in +connection with the death of Enoch that he thought even the dullest +pupil would answer correctly when asked in examination: State in +the exact language of the Bible what is said of Enoch's death.</p> +<p>But this was the answer he got:</p> +<p>"Enoch was not what God took him for."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of +some amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in +English. The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of +the indicative, the subjunctive, the potential and the exclamatory +moods. His efforts resulted as follows:</p> +<p>"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer +twenty questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may +pass. God help me!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince +almost any one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has +yet to climb:</p> +<p>Magna Charta said that the King had no right to bring soldiers +into a lady's house and tell her to mind them.</p> +<p>Panama is a town of Colombo, where they are trying to make an +isthmus.</p> +<p>The three highest mountains in Scotland are Ben Nevis, Ben +Lomond and Ben Jonson.</p> +<p>Wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from York to +London.</p> +<p>Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters.</p> +<p>"Those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great +Elizabeth" refers to the songs that Queen Elizabeth used to write +in her spare time.</p> +<p>Tennyson wrote a poem called Grave's Energy.</p> +<p>The Rump Parliament consisted entirely of Cromwell's +stalactites.</p> +<p>The plural of spouse is spice.</p> +<p>Queen Elizabeth rode a white horse from Kenilworth through +Coventry with nothing on, and Raleigh offered her his cloak.</p> +<p>The law allowing only one wife is called monotony.</p> +<p>When England was placed under an Interdict the Pope stopped all +births, marriages and deaths for a year.</p> +<p>The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and +Spain.</p> +<p>The gods of the Indians are chiefly Mahommed and Buddha, and in +their spare time they do lots of carving.</p> +<p>Every one needs a holiday from one year's end to another.</p> +<p>The Seven Great Powers of Europe are gravity, electricity, +steam, gas, fly-wheels, and motors, and Mr. Lloyd George.</p> +<p>The hydra was married to Henry VIII. When he cut off her head +another sprung up.</p> +<p>Liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about +it afterward.</p> +<p>The Habeas Corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer +than he liked.</p> +<p>Becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became +dangerous.</p> +<p>The two races living in the north of Europe are Esquimaux and +Archangels.</p> +<p>Skeleton is what you have left when you take a man's insides out +and his outsides off.</p> +<p>Ellipsis is when you forget to kiss.</p> +<p>A bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette.</p> +<p>Artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when +they are only just dead.</p> +<p>A night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air.</p> +<p>The tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the +moon drawing it in again.</p> +<p>The liver is an infernal organ of the body.</p> +<p>A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.</p> +<p>Triangles are of three kinds, the equilateral or three-sided, +the quadrilateral or four-sided, and the multilateral or +polyglot.</p> +<p>General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had +three horses shot under him and a fourth went through his +clothes.</p> +<p>A buttress is the wife of a butler.</p> +<p>The young Pretender was so called because it was pretended that +he was born in a frying-pan.</p> +<p>A verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion.</p> +<p>A Passive Verb is when the subject is the sufferer, e.g., I am +loved.</p> +<p>Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the invisible Armada.</p> +<p>A schoolmaster is called a pedigree.</p> +<p>The South of the U. S. A. grows oranges, figs, melons and a +great quantity of preserved fruits, especially tinned meats.</p> +<p>The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate.</p> +<p>The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable.</p> +<p>The American war was started because the people would persist in +sending their parcels thru the post without stamps.</p> +<p>Prince William was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine; he never +laughed again.</p> +<p>The heart is located on the west side of the body.</p> +<p>Richard II is said to have been murdered by some historians; his +real fate is uncertain.</p> +<p>Subjects have a right to partition the king.</p> +<p>A kaiser is a stream of hot water springin' up an' distubin' the +earth.</p> +<p>He had nothing left to live for but to die.</p> +<p>Franklin's education was got by himself. He worked himself up to +be a great literal man. He was also able to invent electricity. +Franklin's father was a tallow chandelier.</p> +<p>Monastery is the place for monsters.</p> +<p>Sir Walter Raleigh was put out once when his servant found him +with fire in his head. And one day after there had been a lot of +rain, he threw his cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly +over.</p> +<p>The Greeks planted colonists for their food supplies.</p> +<p>Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's +tail will kill a man.</p> +<p>A mosquito is the child of black and white parents.</p> +<p>An author is a queer animal because his tales (tails) come from +his head.</p> +<p>Wind is air in a hurry.</p> +<p>The people that come to America found Indians, but no +people.</p> +<p>Shadows are rays of darkness.</p> +<p>Lincoln wrote the address while riding from Washington to +Gettysburg on an envelope.</p> +<p>Queen Elizabeth was tall and thin, but she was a stout +protestant.</p> +<p>An equinox is a man who lives near the north pole.</p> +<p>An abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot +feel—as a red hot poker.</p> +<p>The population of New England is too dry for farming.</p> +<p>Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the +head, the chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and +brains, if any. The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the +liver. The stummick is devoted to the bowels, of which there are +five, a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.</p> +<p>Filigree means a list of your descendants.</p> +<p>"The Complete Angler" was written by Euclid because he knew all +about angles.</p> +<p>The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action +in past time which does not take place at all.</p> +<p>Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your +hair even with your mouth shut.</p> +<p>The modern name for Gaul is vinegar.</p> +<p>Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes.</p> +<p>The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the +Hermit preached to them.</p> +<p>On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very +popular.</p> +<p>Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.</p> +<p>Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or +neuter.</p> +<p>An angle is a triangle with only two sides.</p> +<p>Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels.</p> +<p>Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly +away.</p> +<p>A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives.</p> +<p>A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian.</p> +<p>Vapor is dried water.</p> +<p>The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of +salt.</p> +<p>The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other +animals go after they are dead.</p> +<p>The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by +praying in synonyms.</p> +<p>An abstract noun is something you can't see when you are looking +at it.</p> +<a name="H250" id="H250"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EXCUSES</h3> +<p>The children had been reminded that they must not appear at +school the following week without their application blanks properly +filled out as to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of +birth. On Monday morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming +down her cheeks. "What is the trouble?" Miss Green inquired, +seeking to comfort her. "Oh," sobbed the little girl, "I forgot my +excuse for being born."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made +him quickly famous. Shortly before his death he called on the +cashier of a New York publishing house, after vainly writing +several times for a check which had been promised as an advance on +his royalties.</p> +<p>"I'm sorry," explained the cashier, "but Mr. Blank, who signs +the checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle."</p> +<p>"But, my dear sir," expostulated the author, "does he sign them +with his feet?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, +the wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack +in the planking. A friend came along a minute later and found him +squatted down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the +treacherous cranny with his forefinger.</p> +<p>"Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin'?" inquired the +friend.</p> +<p>"Sh-h," said Mr. Mulligan, "I'm tryin' to make it wort' me while +to tear up this board."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an +Irishman who evidently had not shaved for several days.</p> +<p>"Doyle," he asked, "how is it that you haven't shaved this +morning?"</p> +<p>"But Oi did, sor."</p> +<p>"How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your +face?"</p> +<p>"Well, ye see, sor," stammered Doyle, "there wus nine of us to +one small bit uv a lookin'-glass, an' it must be thot in th' +gineral confusion Oi shaved some other man's face."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I +just called up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home +to dinner to-night, as I am detained at the office."</p> +<p>"You poor dear," answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't +wonder. I don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with +that orchestra playing in your office. Good-by."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is the matter, dearest?" asked the mother of a small girl +who had been discovered crying in the hall.</p> +<p>"Somfing awful's happened, Mother."</p> +<p>"Well, what is it, sweetheart?"</p> +<p>"My d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the +pantry."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five +stories to the ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell +to his aid, he picked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft +pile of sand.</p> +<p>"Say, fellers," he murmured anxiously, "is the boss mad? Tell +him I had to come down anyway for a ball of twine."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town in +Pennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do +odd jobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain +proclivities of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him. +Not long ago he was caught with a chicken under his coat, and was +haled to court to explain its presence there.</p> +<p>"Now, Cephas," said the judge very kindly, "you have got into a +new place, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to +you and helped you, and while we like you as a sober and +industrious worker, this other business cannot be tolerated. Why +did you take Mrs. Gilkie's chicken?"</p> +<p>Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law, +rubbing his head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he +answered:</p> +<p>"Deed, I dunno, Jedge," he explained, "ceptin' 't is dat +chickens is chickens and niggers is niggers."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>GRANDMA—"Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken +more maple-sugar than I gave you."</p> +<p>JOHNNY—"Yes, Grandma, I've been making believe there was +another little boy spending the day with me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast +table the other morning he was relating to his wife an incident +that occurred at the lodge the previous night. The president of the +order offered a silk hat to the brother who could stand up and +truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any +woman but his own wife. "And, would you believe it, Mary?—not +a one stood up." "George," his wife said, "why didn't you stand +up?" "Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I know I look like +hell in a silk hat."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And oftentimes excusing of a fault</p> +<p class="i2">Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse,</p> +<p class="i2">As patches set upon a little breach,</p> +<p class="i2">Discredit more in hiding of the fault</p> +<p class="i2">Than did the fault before it was so patched.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H251" id="H251"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EXPOSURE</h3> +<p>TRAMP—"Lady, I'm dying from exposure."</p> +<p>WOMAN—"Are you a tramp, politician or +financier?"—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<a name="H252" id="H252"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EXTORTION</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Dressmakers.</p> +<a name="H253" id="H253"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>EXTRAVAGANCE</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young girl named O'Neill,</p> +<p class="i2">Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;</p> +<p class="i4">But when half way around</p> +<p class="i4">She looked at the ground,</p> +<p class="i2">And it cost her an eighty-cent meal.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in +town, but nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan +Rankin, seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got +along fairly well but one day after five years of it John hung +himself in the attic, where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy +days, and a carpenter, who went up to the roof to do some repairs, +found him there. He told Susan, and Susan hurried up to see about +it, and, sure enough, the carpenter was right. She stood looking at +her late husband for about a minute—kind of dazed, the +carpenter thought—then she spoke.</p> +<p>"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my new +clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, +of course, that's just like John Polkinhorn."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The editor of my paper," declared the newspaper business +manager to a little coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why, +would you believe it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out +only one dollar for spending money and sends the rest to his wife +in Indianapolis!"</p> +<p>His listeners—with one exception, who sat silent and +reflective—gave vent to loud murmurs of wonder and +admiration.</p> +<p>"Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true, +nevertheless."</p> +<p>"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one; +"I was only wondering what he does with the dollar!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning +after pay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was +brought at last before the commandant for sentence, and the +following dialogue is recorded:</p> +<p>"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe +engagement."</p> +<p>"Yes, sur."</p> +<p>"Have you any money left?"</p> +<p>"No, sur."</p> +<p>"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sur."</p> +<p>"What did you do with it?"</p> +<p>"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went +into a place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another +friend and we spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another +friend and we spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met +another bunch of friends, and I spint $8 more—and thin I come +home."</p> +<p>"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the +other $3?" Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and +said:</p> +<p>"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money +foolishly."</p> +<a name="H254" id="H254"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FAILURES</h3> +<p>Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is +it true, father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"</p> +<p>His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," +he finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as +a failure."</p> +<a name="H255" id="H255"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FAITH</h3> +<p>Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his +flowers and garden will resemble the views shown on the seed +packets.—<i>Country Life in America</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher.</p> +<p>"Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that +the price o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true +when the bills comes in."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to +hurt.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be +well. Is that the idea?"</p> +<p>"It is."</p> +<p>"Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be +paid."</p> +<p>"Not necessarily."</p> +<p>"But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the +other?"</p> +<p>"Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having +faith in Providence and having faith in you."—<i>Horace +Zimmerman</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant +daughter as to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a +dark room to go to sleep. As a clincher, the mother said: "There is +no reason at all why you should be afraid. Remember that God is +here all the time, and, besides, you have your dolly. Now go to +sleep like a good little girl." Twenty minutes later a wail came +from upstairs, and mother went to the foot of the stairs to pacify +her daughter. "Don't cry," she said; "remember what I told +you—God is there with you and you have your dolly." "But I +don't want them," wailed the baby; "I want you, muvver; I want +somebody here that has got a skin face on them."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Faith is a fine invention</p> +<p class="i4">For gentlemen who see;</p> +<p class="i2">But Microscopes are prudent</p> +<p class="i4">In an emergency.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Emily Dickinson</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H256" id="H256"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FAITHFULNESS</h3> +<p>A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At +first they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to +give him a trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually +increased the size of his load until on the last trip he was +carrying a 300-pound anvil under each arm. When he was half-way +across the gangplank it broke and the Irishman fell in. With a +great splashing and spluttering he came to the surface.</p> +<p>"T'row me a rope, I say!" he shouted again. Once more he sank. A +third time he rose struggling.</p> +<p>"Say!" he spluttered angrily, "if one uv you shpalpeens don't +hurry up an' t'row me a rope I'm goin' to drop one uv these damn +t'ings!"</p> +<a name="H257" id="H257"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FAME</h3> +<p>Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of +admiration on the part of people who are not thinking of you.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely +happened to meet an editor who was hard up for material.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of +obtaining it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be +sufficient to deter a man from so vain a +pursuit.—<i>Addison</i>.</p> +<a name="H258" id="H258"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FAMILIES</h3> +<p>"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great +Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am +English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby +wails."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her +duties for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the +reason for her absence.</p> +<p>"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children," she +replied.</p> +<p>"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked.</p> +<p>"Siven in all," she replied. "Four by the third wife of me +second husband; three by the second wife of me furst."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making +his way to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen +children, when a policeman touched him on the shoulder and +said:</p> +<p>"Come along wid me."</p> +<p>"What for?"</p> +<p>"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and +find out why that crowd was following ye."</p> +<a name="H259" id="H259"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FAREWELLS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Happy are we met, Happy have we been,</p> +<p class="i2">Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his +daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the +car and went around to the car window to say a last parting word. +While he was leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to +speak to a friend, and at the same time a grim old maid took the +seat and moved up to the window.</p> +<p>Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head +up to the window and said: "One more kiss, pet."</p> +<p>In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust +from the window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you +gray-headed wretch!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall +be the play? Hamlet? Macbeth?"</p> +<p>"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe."</p> +<p>"Well, yes."</p> +<p>"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Farewell!"</p> +<p>For in that word—that fatal +word—howe'er</p> +<p>We promise—hope—believe—there +breathes despair.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H260" id="H260"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FASHION</h3> +<p>There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who +are comfortable.—<i>Tom P. Morgan</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened +to long discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when +she said her prayers, she added a new petition, uttered with +unwonted fervency:</p> +<p>"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Nothing is thought rare</p> +<p class="i2">Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know</p> +<p class="i2">That what was worn some twenty years ago</p> +<p class="i2">Comes into grace again.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Beaumont and Fletcher</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>As good be out of the World as out of the +Fashion.—<i>Colley Cibber</i>.</p> +<a name="H261" id="H261"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FATE</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Fate hit me very hard one day.</p> +<p class="i2">I cried: "What is my fault?</p> +<p class="i2">What have I done? What causes, pray,</p> +<p class="i2">This unprovoked assault?"</p> +<p class="i2">She paused, then said: "Darned if I know;</p> +<p class="i2">I really can't explain."</p> +<p class="i2">Then just before she turned to go</p> +<p class="i2">She whacked me once again!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>La Touche Hancock</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So in the Libyan fable it is told</p> +<p class="i2">That once an eagle stricken with a dart,</p> +<p class="i2">Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft,</p> +<p class="i2">"With our own feathers, not by others' hands,</p> +<p class="i2">Are we now smitten."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Aeschylus</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H262" id="H262"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FATHERS</h3> +<p>A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was +showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on +natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the +baby to tell him what it represented. Baby answered "Coty."</p> +<p>Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered +"Kitty." Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy." Elated with her +seeming quick perception, he then turned to the picture of a +Chimpanzee and said:</p> +<p>"Baby, what is this?"</p> +<p>"Papa."</p> +<a name="H263" id="H263"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FAULTS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Women's faults are many,</p> +<p class="i4">Men have only two—</p> +<p class="i2">Everything they say,</p> +<p class="i4">And everything they do.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Le Crabbe</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H264" id="H264"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FEES</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Tips.</p> +<a name="H265" id="H265"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FEET</h3> +<p>BIG MAN (with a grouch)—"Will you be so kind as to get off +my feet?"</p> +<p>LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)—"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a +walk?"</p> +<a name="H266" id="H266"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FIGHTING</h3> +<p>"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?"</p> +<p>"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer +it."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your +coat is torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the +door. "How many times have I told you not to play with that bad +Jenkins boy?"</p> +<p>"Now, look here, Mother," said Bobby, "do I look as if we'd been +playing?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm +friends for years, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some +time ago. The older of the two was a man of magnificent physique, +almost six feet four, and built in proportion, while the younger +was barely five feet and weighed not more than ninety pounds.</p> +<p>In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some +remark that aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later +he felt a great pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking +down, he was greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly +gesticulating and dancing around him.</p> +<p>"What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?" he +asked.</p> +<p>"By Gawd, suh, I'm fightin', suh!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes, +Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to, +he said: "I tried to cover too much territory."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread +fighders dey are," said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great +contempt. "Vhy, at Minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike +O'Hooligan butted in, und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz +und mein frient Louie Hartmann—vhy, we pretty near kicked him +oudt of der house!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>VILLAGE GROCER—"What are you running for, sonny?"</p> +<p>BOY—"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'."</p> +<p>VILLAGE GROCER—"Who are the fellows?"</p> +<p>BOY—"Bill Perkins and me!"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the +outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a +witness in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. +She took the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and +proverbial Bourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice +what took place. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the +Judge by his persistency finally got her to tell the story of the +bloody fracas.</p> +<p>"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I +knowed about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en +Tom knocked him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends +then cut Tom with a knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam +Jones, who was a friend of Tom's, shot the other feller and two +more shot him, en three or four others got cut right smart by +somebody. That nachly caused some excitement, Jedge, en then they +commenced fightin'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that +black eye?" asked the magistrate.</p> +<p>"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave +me the black eye," replied the complaining wife.—<i>London +Telegraph</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered +broiled live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was +obviously minus one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly +kicked. The waiter said it was unavoidable—there had been a +fight in the kitchen between two lobsters. The other one had torn +off one of the claws of this lobster and had eaten it. The young +man pushed the lobster over toward the waiter. "Take it away," he +said wearily, "and bring me the winner."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There never was a good war or a bad peace.—<i>Benjamin +Franklin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the +right place.—<i>John C. Snaith</i>.</p> +<a name="H267" id="H267"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FINANCE</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Willie had a savings bank;</p> +<p class="i2">'Twas made of painted tin.</p> +<p class="i2">He passed it 'round among the boys,</p> +<p class="i2">Who put their pennies in.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought</p> +<p class="i2">Sweetmeats and chewing gum.</p> +<p class="i2">And to the other envious lads</p> +<p class="i2">He never offered some.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"What will we do?" his mother said:</p> +<p class="i2">"It is a sad mischance."</p> +<p class="i2">His father said: "We'll cultivate</p> +<p class="i2">His gift for high finance."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Washington Star</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>HICKS—"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere."</p> +<p>WICKS—"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about +it."</p> +<p>"But I only need $200."</p> +<p>"That doesn't make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100 +of it in two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the +man that you borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of +it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10,000,000 on his check any +minute; but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a +greater financier than Morgan.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>To modernize an old prophecy, "out of the mouths of babes shall +come much worldly wisdom." Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly +loves. One day he gave each a dollar to spend. After much +bargaining, they brought home a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat +and a beautiful train of cars. For awhile the transportation +business flourished, and all was well, but one day Craig explained +to his father that while business had been good, he could do much +better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars like +Joe's. His arguments must have been good, for the money was +forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but +more loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like +Craig's. But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital, +looked in vain for the improved service. The new rolling stock was +not in evidence, and explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as +is often the case in the railroad game at which men play. It took a +stern court of inquiry to develop the fact that the railroad and +steamship had simply changed hands—and at a mutual profit of +one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he told his neighbor, said it +was worth that much to know that his boys would not need much of a +legacy from him.—<i>P.A. Kershaw</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a +close bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood +for the small sum of twelve dollars.</p> +<p>"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" his brother +inquired.</p> +<p>"Well," said the old painter, "you see, the owner is a mighty +unreliable man. If I'd said I'd charge him twenty-five dollars, +likely he'd have only paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve +dollars, he may not pay me but nine. So I thought it over, and +decided to paint it for twelve dollars, so I wouldn't lose so +much."</p> +<a name="H268" id="H268"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FINGER-BOWLS</h3> +<p>MISTRESS (to new servant)—"Why, Bridget, this is the third +time I've had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady +you last worked for have them on the table?"</p> +<p>BRIDGET—"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands +before they came."</p> +<a name="H269" id="H269"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FIRE DEPARTMENTS</h3> +<p>Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.</p> +<p>Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a +ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look +out! The fire department's coming."</p> +<p>Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage +wagon and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street +again and drove on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder +came tearing along. The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the +farmer's buggy, smashing it to smithereens and sending the farmer +sprawling into the gutter. The policeman ran to his assistance.</p> +<p>"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. +"Didn't I tell ye the fire department was comin"?"</p> +<p>"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I <i>did</i> git +outer the way for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was +them drunken painters in sech an all-fired hurry fer?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and +engaged a room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very +sleepy, threw himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The +sights were so new and strange to Pat that he sat at the window +looking out. Soon an alarm of fire was rung in and a fire-engine +rushed by throwing up sparks of fire and clouds of smoke. This +greatly excited Pat, who called to his comrade to get up and come +to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Another engine soon +followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former. This +was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, and +shaking his friend called loudly:</p> +<p>"Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have +gone by already."</p> +<a name="H270" id="H270"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FIRE ESCAPES</h3> +<p>Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, +erected after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.</p> +<a name="H271" id="H271"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FIRES</h3> +<p>"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday."</p> +<p>"Sh! Next Thursday."</p> +<a name="H272" id="H272"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY</h3> +<p>The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up +the family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, +"so please come at once."</p> +<p>"I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor.</p> +<p>"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to +Do Before the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before +you get here!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>NURSE GIRL—"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have +fallen down the well!"</p> +<p>FOND PARENT—"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the +library and get the last number of <i>The Modern Mother's +Magazine</i>; it contains an article on 'How to Bring Up +Children.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL—"What brought you to this +dreadful condition? Were you run over by a street-car?"</p> +<p>PATIENT—"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a +member of the Society of First Aid to the +Injured."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a +colored woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great +agitation the woman advised the physician that her youngest child +was in a bad way.</p> +<p>"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.</p> +<p>"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!"</p> +<p>"I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the +doctor. "Have you done anything for her?"</p> +<p>"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc," said the +colored woman doubtfully.</p> +<a name="H273" id="H273"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FISH</h3> +<p>A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half +dozen fried oysters."</p> +<p>"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell +fish, sah, 'ceptin' eggs."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, +and the mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young +daughter, said:</p> +<p>"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the +larger fish."</p> +<p>Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:</p> +<p>"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"</p> +<a name="H274" id="H274"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FISHERMEN</h3> +<p>At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales +could be found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the +President always used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were +brought up from the cellar, and the child was found to weigh +twenty-five pounds.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the +bridge.</p> +<p>"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I +caught forty bass out o' here yesterday."</p> +<p>"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge.</p> +<p>The fisherman replied that he did not.</p> +<p>"Well, I am the county fish and game warden."</p> +<p>The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you +know who I am?"</p> +<p>"No," the officer replied.</p> +<p>"Well, I'm the biggest liar in eastern Indiana," said the crafty +angler, with a grin.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her +father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but +most of all he loved Venice.</p> +<p>"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily +understand that your father would like Venice, with its gondolas, +and St. Markses and Michelangelos."</p> +<p>"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked +it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his +way back home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen +of bass around to his house.</p> +<p>He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his +arrival:</p> +<p>"Well, what luck?"</p> +<p>"Why, splendid luck, of course," he replied. "Didn't the boy +bring that dozen bass I gave him?"</p> +<p>Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled.</p> +<p>"Well, yes, I suppose he did," she said. "There they are."</p> +<p>And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass's ale.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You'll be a man like one of us some day," said the patronizing +sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same +stream.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir," he answered, "I s'pose I will some day, but I +b'lieve I'd rather stay small and ketch a few fish."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an +angler.—<i>Izaak Walton</i>.</p> +<a name="H275" id="H275"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FISHING</h3> +<p>A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to +a lake in Colorado which he had in contemplation.</p> +<p>"Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend.</p> +<p>"Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry.</p> +<p>"Will they bite easily?" asked another friend.</p> +<p>"Will they?" said Mr. Wharry. "Why they're absolutely vicious. A +man has to hide behind a tree to bait a hook."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I got a bite—I got a bite!" sang out a tiny girl member +of a fishing party. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the +line there was only a bare hook. "Where's the fish?" he asked. "He +unbit and div," said the child.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on +a fishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one +evening the talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn +the jurist began, uncertain as to how he was going to come out:</p> +<p>"We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks +for—er—for—"</p> +<p>"Whales," somebody suggested.</p> +<p>"No," said the Justice, "we were baiting with whales."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Lo, Jim! Fishin'?"</p> +<p>"Naw; drowning worms."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries: +"Doubtless God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God +never did"; and so (if I might be judge), God never did make a more +calm, quiet, innocent recreation than angling.—<i>Izaak +Walton</i>.</p> +<a name="H276" id="H276"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FLATS</h3> +<p>"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?"</p> +<p>"Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can +buy a folding toothbrush?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she +took refuge in a flood of tears.</p> +<p>"Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for +me," she sobbed.</p> +<p>"I know it," he returned solemnly; "but this confounded flat is +so tiny that there's no place to lay anything down."</p> +<a name="H277" id="H277"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FLATTERY</h3> +<p>With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel +O'Connell. "The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."</p> +<p>"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded.</p> +<p>She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, +hurriedly.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)—"You certainly +effected the robbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with +quite exceptional cunning."</p> +<p>PRISONER—"Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no +flattery, I begs yer."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>OLD MAID—"But why should a great strong man like you be +found begging?"</p> +<p>WAYFARER—"Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in +which a gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an +introduction."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>William —— was said to be the ugliest, though the +most lovable, man in Louisiana. On returning to the plantation +after a short absence, his brother said:</p> +<p>"Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great +admirer of yours. She said, though, that it wasn't so much the +brillancy of your mental attainments as your marvelous physical and +facial beauty which charmed and delighted her."</p> +<p>"Edmund," cried William earnestly, "that is a wicked lie, but +tell it to me again!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong +enough to work."</p> +<p>"I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the +stage, but evidently you prefer the simple life."</p> +<p>After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the +woodpile.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">O, that men's ears should be</p> +<p class="i2">To counsel deaf, but not to flattery!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H278" id="H278"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FLIES</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Pure food.</p> +<a name="H279" id="H279"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FLIRTATION</h3> +<p>It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation +is attention without intention.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle."</p> +<p>"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in +for a wedding or a breach of promise suit."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had +noticed a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy +and little Mary, two of her pupils.</p> +<p>Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to +prosecute his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that +unless he stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be +promoted.</p> +<p>"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How +would you like to stay back in this class another year and have +little Mary go ahead of you?"</p> +<p>"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys."</p> +<a name="H280" id="H280"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FLOWERS</h3> +<p>Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I +know why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the +dirt."</p> +<a name="H281" id="H281"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FOOD</h3> +<p>A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for +a piece of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not +understanding and yet unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, +brought the customer a piece of chocolate cake.</p> +<p>"No, no, my friend," said the smiling man. "I meant +<i>George</i> Washington, not <i>Booker</i> Washington."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the +"pillars" of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought +of her long and useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid +countenance bearing but few tokens of her ninety-two years of +earthly pilgrimage, he was moved to ask her, "My dear Mrs. S., what +has been the chief source of your strength and sustenance during +all these years? What has appealed to you as the real basis of your +unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been to you an unfailing +comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may pass the secret +on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself."</p> +<p>The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with +age, yet kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered +briefly, "Victuals."—<i>Sarah L. Tenney</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food +wrote to the editor:</p> +<blockquote> +<p><i>Dear Sir</i>: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the +brains, what kind of fish shall I eat?</p> +</blockquote> +<p>To this the editor replied:</p> +<blockquote> +<p><i>Dear Miss</i>: Judging from the composition of your letter I +should advise you to eat a whale.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch +restaurant and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the +lid and sat gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he +called the waiter.</p> +<p>"Look here, Sam," he said, "what did I order?"</p> +<p>"Chicken pie, sah."</p> +<p>"And what have you brought me?"</p> +<p>"Chicken pie, sah."</p> +<p>"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken +pie? Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was."</p> +<p>"Dat's right, boss—dey ain't no chicken in it."</p> +<p>"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a +thing."</p> +<p>"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a +chicken pie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Dining.</p> +<a name="H282" id="H282"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FOOTBALL</h3> +<p>His SISTER—"His nose seems broken."</p> +<p>His FIANCEE—"And he's lost his front teeth."</p> +<p>His MOTHER—"But he didn't drop the +ball!"—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H283" id="H283"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FORDS</h3> +<p>A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the +step of a Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his +position, then sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other +skate?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road +and gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds.</p> +<p>"No," he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand +slipped off and the thing got away and went straight up in the +air."</p> +<a name="H284" id="H284"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FORECASTING</h3> +<p>A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored +maid.</p> +<p>"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the +air.</p> +<p>"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks +frum Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's +face, she added hastily—"I want to go to my finance's +fun'ral."</p> +<p>"Goodness me," answered the lady—"Your finance's funeral! +Why, you don't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date +of his funeral. That is something we can't any of us be sure +about—when we are going to die."</p> +<p>"Yes'm," said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note +in her voice—"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to +be hung!"</p> +<a name="H285" id="H285"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FORESIGHT</h3> +<p>"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her +bosom friend Ann said.</p> +<p>"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for +pullin' the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of +mine, and the Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or +laid me 'ands on the old man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!"</p> +<p>"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"</p> +<p>"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a +thousand dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."</p> +<p>"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"</p> +<p>"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There once was a pious young priest,</p> +<p class="i2">Who lived almost wholly on yeast;</p> +<p class="i4">"For," he said, "it is plain</p> +<p class="i4">We must all rise again,</p> +<p class="i2">And I want to get started, at least."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H286" id="H286"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FORGETFULNESS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Memory.</p> +<a name="H287" id="H287"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FORTUNE HUNTERS</h3> +<p>HER FATHER—"So my daughter has consented to become your +wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?"</p> +<p>SUITOR—"I will leave that to my fiancée."</p> +<p>H.F.—"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"</p> +<p>S.—"Her mother can decide that, sir."</p> +<p>H.F.—"What have you to live on?"</p> +<p>S.—"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his +government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in +Great Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising +without result, he applied to the police, and a smart young +detective was set to work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he +was getting on.</p> +<p>"I've found the lady, sir."</p> +<p>"Good! Where is she?"</p> +<p>"At my place. I married her yesterday."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.</p> +<p>"How soon?" asked the practical girl.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>HE—"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."</p> +<p>SHE—"Why?"</p> +<p>"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."</p> +<p>"Is she looking for one?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MAUDE—"I've just heard of a case where a man married a +girl on his deathbed so she could have his millions when he was +gone. Could you love a girl like that?"</p> +<p>JACK—"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's +her address?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my +girls, and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I +have made a little money they will not go penniless to their +husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good +girl. I shall give her $1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who +won't see thirty-five again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the +man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5,000 with her."</p> +<p>The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You +haven't one about fifty, have you?"</p> +<a name="H288" id="H288"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FOUNTAIN PENS</h3> +<p>"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to +his visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city +fellers do."</p> +<p>"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing +with pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain +pen."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of +the fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette +smoking.</p> +<p>He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain +pens.</p> +<a name="H289" id="H289"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FOURTH OF JULY</h3> +<p>"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"</p> +<p>"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a +day at least once a year."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall +advertised special attractions to American visitors. All over the +auditorium the Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one +another, and at the interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail +Columbia," while a quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It +was an occasion to swell the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally +came the turn of the Human Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front +of the stage and announced himself ready to answer, sight unseen, +all questions the audience might propound. A volley of queries was +fired at him, and the Encyclopedia breathlessly told the distance +of the earth from Mars, the number of bones in the human skeleton, +of square miles in the British Empire, and other equally important +facts. There was a brief pause, in which an American stood up.</p> +<p>"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a +loud glad voice.</p> +<p>The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak +of, sir, was a hinfamous houtrage!"</p> +<a name="H290" id="H290"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FREAKS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Husbands.</p> +<a name="H291" id="H291"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FREE THOUGHT</h3> +<p>TOMMY—"Pop, what is a freethinker?"</p> +<p>POP—"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't +married."</p> +<a name="H292" id="H292"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FRENCH LANGUAGE</h3> +<p>"I understand you speak French like a native."</p> +<p>"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent +down pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between +the acts of "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't +understand French. It sounds mo' like +chickens!"—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H293" id="H293"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FRESHMEN</h3> +<p><i>See</i> College Students.</p> +<a name="H294" id="H294"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FRIENDS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The Lord gives our relatives,</p> +<p class="i2">Thank God we can choose our friends.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Father."</p> +<p>"Well, what is it?"</p> +<p>"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.' Is that +so, Father?"</p> +<p>"Yes, yes, yes."</p> +<p>"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad man, is +the good man bad because he keeps company with the bad man, and is +the bad man good because he keeps company with the good +man?"—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's champagne to our real friends.</p> +<p class="i2">And real pain to our sham friends.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">It's better to make friends fast</p> +<p class="i4">Than to make fast friends.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Some friends are a habit—some a luxury.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your +faults.</p> +<a name="H295" id="H295"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF</h3> +<p>A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the +Society of Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid +Quakeresses who took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street +Station. After a few minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to +hear a gentle voice inquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the +counter and have a milk punch on me?"—<i>Carolina +Lockhart</i>.</p> +<a name="H2951" id="H2951"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FRIENDSHIP</h3> +<p>Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There's fellowship</p> +<p class="i2">In every sip</p> +<p class="i2">Of friendship's brew.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with +friendship.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the four hinges of Friendship—</p> +<p class="i2">Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking.</p> +<p class="i2">When you swear, swear by your country;</p> +<p class="i2">When you lie, lie for a pretty woman,</p> +<p class="i2">When you steal, steal away from bad company</p> +<p class="i2">And when you drink, drink with me.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The trouble with having friends is the upkeep.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Brown volunteered to lend me money."</p> +<p>"Did you take it?"</p> +<p>"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of +course we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite +safe. What do you think?"</p> +<p>"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it +would be safer to lend it to a friend +first."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff +yer potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye +mak' extra reductions for yer freends."</p> +<p>"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a +customer is a freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa +hundert-weight aff the ton because I'm a freend o' +his."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a +ride on one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the +caboose to go up and put the man off at the next stop. When the +brakeman approached the tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and +told him to keep away.</p> +<p>"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when +the train was under motion again.</p> +<p>"I hadn't the heart," was the reply. "He turned out to be an old +school friend of mine."</p> +<p>"I'll take care of him," said the conductor, as he started over +the tops of the cars.</p> +<p>After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman +came into the caboose and said to the conductor:</p> +<p>"Well, is he off?"</p> +<p>"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through +life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep +his friendship in constant repair.—<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>They say, and I am glad they say,</p> +<p class="i2">It is so; and it may be so;</p> +<p>It may be just the other way,</p> +<p class="i2">I cannot tell, but this I know—</p> +<p>From quiet homes and first beginnings</p> +<p class="i2">Out to the undiscovered ends</p> +<p>There's nothing worth the wear of winning</p> +<p class="i2">Save laughter and the love of friends.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Hilaire Belloc</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H296" id="H296"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FUN</h3> +<p>Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it +costs.—<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Amusements.</p> +<a name="H297" id="H297"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FUNERALS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old man in a hearse,</p> +<p class="i2">Who murmured, "This might have been worse;</p> +<p class="i4">Of course the expense</p> +<p class="i4">Is simply immense,</p> +<p class="i2">But it doesn't come out of my purse."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H298" id="H298"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FURNITURE</h3> +<p>GUEST—"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost +you?"</p> +<p>HOST—"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and +the rest for furniture to match."</p> +<a name="H299" id="H299"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>FUTURE LIFE</h3> +<p>A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was +only in a state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, +he showed signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.</p> +<p>"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going +on. And I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I +was hungry."</p> +<p>"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" +asked one of the curious.</p> +<p>"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be +hungry. And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be +cold."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FATHER (impressively)—"Suppose I should be taken away +suddenly, what would become of you, my boy?"</p> +<p>IRREVERENT SON—"I'd stay here. The question is, What would +become of you?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who +was naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to +Heaven."</p> +<p>"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go +with you and mother."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to +be buried at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the +burial service, at the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped +the body in canvas preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is +customary to place heavy shot with a body to insure its immediate +sinking, but in this instance, nothing else being available, a +large lump of coal was substituted. Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed +his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,</p> +<p>"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I +didn't think you'd have to furnish your own fuel."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life +that in the next he would have to climb up hill to get into +hell.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it +was his rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the +custom is continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend +Doctor Walker succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor +Hawks, in Hartford, there came to the parsonage, addressed to +Doctor Hawks, tickets for the circus, with the compliments of the +famous showman. Doctor Walker studied the tickets for a moment, and +then remarked:</p> +<p>"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they +haven't met."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens +of Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among +others were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; +ex-Attorney-General MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other +prominent railroad men.</p> +<p>Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: +"Your Grace, among others you see here a great many railroad men. +There is a peculiarity of railroad men that even on social +occasions you will find that they always take their lawyer with +them. That is why I am here. They never go anywhere without their +counsel. Now they have nearly everything that men want, but I have +a suggestion to make to you for an exchange with us. We can give +free passes on all the railroads of the country. Now if you would +only give us—say a free pass to Paradise by way of +exchange."</p> +<p>"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that +would never do. I would not like to separate them from their +counsel."</p> +<a name="H300" id="H300"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GARDENING</h3> +<p>Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just +before they go a fishin'.—<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few +months from now I won't be kicking about your prices."</p> +<p>"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to +sell vegetables so cheap."</p> +<a name="H301" id="H301"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GAS STOVES</h3> +<p>A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be +contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for +many years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due +season. It so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the +very day mammy arrived. Before departing she had just time to +explain to mammy the modern conveniences with which her apartment +was furnished. The gas stove was the contrivance which interested +the colored woman most. After the mistress of the household had +lighted the oven, the broiler, and the other burners and felt +certain the old servant understood its operations, the mistress +hurried for her train.</p> +<p>She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to +mammy was how she had worried along.</p> +<p>"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove—O +my! Why do you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out +yit."</p> +<a name="H302" id="H302"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GENEROSITY</h3> +<p>"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but +recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous +everybody is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me +mither, and the young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 +for 10 cents. Think of that now!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily +common of late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both +legs in the service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous +place to receive alms. The response to his appeal was generous and +his cup rapidly filled.</p> +<p>Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled +warrior of the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not +content, he presently came that way again and plumped in another +dollar.</p> +<p>The cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. +"Why," he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me +so much more than any of those who were my comrades in arms?"</p> +<p>The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because," he replied, "you're the +first Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the +minister was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her +father asked her why she did that. She explained that she was +saving them for her dog. Her father told her there were plenty of +bones the dog could have so she consented to eat the dainty bits. +Later she collected the bones and took them to the dog saying, "I +meant to give a free will offering but it is only a +collection."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion +store and asked for a match.</p> +<p>"We only <i>sell</i> matches," said the storekeeper.</p> +<p>"How much are they?" asked the future citizen.</p> +<p>"Penny a box," was the answer.</p> +<p>"Gimme a box," said the boy.</p> +<p>He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back +over the counter, saying, "Here, take it and put it on de shelf, +and when anodder sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on +me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came +into the house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, +saying:</p> +<p>"Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us."</p> +<p>The mother, counting them, said:</p> +<p>"Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here is +brother's! Here is the baby's; but there is none for Delia, the +maid."</p> +<p>Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully +cried:</p> +<p>"Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I'll +live!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>She was making the usual female search for her purse when the +conductor came to collect the fares.</p> +<p>Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing +the other, said:</p> +<p>"Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I'll pay."</p> +<a name="H303" id="H303"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GENTLEMEN</h3> +<p>"Sadie, what is a gentleman?"</p> +<p>"Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't +know very well."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give +these definitions of a gentleman:</p> +<p>"A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn't +have to learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn't +have to work at anything; and who has never been black-balled at +any of the clubs."</p> +<p>"A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity +to think and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or +condition.... One who possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so +delicate, that it lifts him above all things ignoble and base, yet +strengthens his hands to raise those who are fallen—no matter +how low."</p> +<a name="H304" id="H304"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GERMANS</h3> +<p>The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At +the dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he +was so silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks.</p> +<p>"Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I have exchanged +views with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty."</p> +<a name="H305" id="H305"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GHOSTS</h3> +<p>"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no +great appeal to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of +coal-tar dyes, told some friends in New York recently. "Personally, +in the course of a fairly long career, I have heard at first hand +but one ghost story. Its hero was a man whom I may as well call +Snooks.</p> +<p>"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted +chamber for the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest +uneasiness, but nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he +took to bed with him a revolver of the latest American pattern.</p> +<p>"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he +awoke with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head +and peered about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full +moon, and in that weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a +small, white hand clasping the rail at the foot of the bed.</p> +<p>"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously.</p> +<p>"There was no reply. The small white hand did not move.</p> +<p>"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.'</p> +<p>"Again there was no reply.</p> +<p>"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and +fired.</p> +<p>"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own +toes."</p> +<a name="H306" id="H306"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GIFTS</h3> +<p>When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent +a check for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, +Felicia Robson, who attended the wedding conveyed the gift.</p> +<p>"Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give him +the check?"</p> +<p>"Yes, Father," answered the daughter.</p> +<p>"What did he say?" asked Robson.</p> +<p>"He didn't say anything," replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed +tears."</p> +<p>"How long did he cry?"</p> +<p>"Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he +wept fully a minute."</p> +<p>"Fully a minute," mused Robson. "Why, Daughter, I cried an hour +after I signed it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of +repairs. The official board had called a meeting of the +parishioners to see what could be done toward raising the necessary +funds. One of the wealthiest and stingiest of the adherents of that +church arose and said that he would give five dollars, and sat +down.</p> +<p>Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him +squarely upon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and +said: "I—er—I meant I'll give fifty dollars!" then +again resumed his seat.</p> +<p>After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im +again!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come +around later on and hit him for another +subscription.—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Presents," I often say, "endear Absents."—<i>Charles +Lamb</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is in +proportion to the worth of the thing given.—<i>George +MacDonald</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Christmas gifts.</p> +<a name="H307" id="H307"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GLUTTONY</h3> +<p>A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of +mince pie.</p> +<p>A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to +die.</p> +<p>"No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from +eating too much."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a young person named Ned,</p> +<p>Who dined before going to bed,</p> +<p class="i2">On lobster and ham</p> +<p class="i2">And salad and jam,</p> +<p>And when he awoke he was dead.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H308" id="H308"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GOLF</h3> +<p>Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to +the hour. As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to +Jock:</p> +<p>"Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'."</p> +<p>"The morrn'?" Jock repeated.</p> +<p>"Aye, mon, the morrn'," said Sandy. "I'll go ye a roond on the +links in the morrn'."</p> +<p>"Aye, weel," said Jock, "I'll go ye. But I had intended to get +marriet in the morrn'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent—</p> +<p>"Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your +unwarrant—your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green +once more, sir, and I chuck the match."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When +he was rector of St. George's Church, in New York City, he was +badly beaten on the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the +clergyman the vestryman ventured to say: "Never mind, Doctor, +you'll get satisfaction some day when I pass away. Then you'll read +the burial service over me."</p> +<p>"I don't see any satisfaction in that," answered the clergy-man, +"for you'll still be in the hole."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER—"Willie, do you know what beomes of +boys who use bad language when they're playing marbles?"</p> +<p>WILLIE—"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to +profanity. It is also a terrible strain on veracity, every man +being his own umpire.</p> +<p>Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the +ninth hole was a deep ravine.</p> +<p>They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to +get his ball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked +up to have a look. Two of them decided not to try to play their +balls out and gave up the hole. The third said he would go down and +play out his ball. He disappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently +his ball came bobbing out and after a time he climbed up.</p> +<p>"How many strokes?" asked one of his opponents.</p> +<p>"Three."</p> +<p>"But I heard six."</p> +<p>"Three of them were echoes!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent +copyright law passed, a representative took him out to Chevy +Chase.</p> +<p>Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to +walk over the course and watch the representative's strokes. The +representative was rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of +earth flying in all directions. Then, to hide his confusion he said +to his guest: "What do you think of our links here, Mr. +Clemens?"</p> +<p>"Best I ever tasted," said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from +his lips with his handkerchief.</p> +<a name="H309" id="H309"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GOOD FELLOWSHIP</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A glass is good, a lass is good,</p> +<p class="i4">And a pipe to smoke in cold weather,</p> +<p class="i2">The world is good and the people are good,</p> +<p class="i4">And we're all good fellows together.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">May good humor preside when good fellows meet,</p> +<p class="i2">And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest +of us everywhere.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to all the world,—</p> +<p class="i2">For fear some darn fool may take offence.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H310" id="H310"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GOSSIP</h3> +<p>A gossip is a person who syndicates his +conversation.—<i>Dick Dickinson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Gossips are the spies of life.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?"</p> +<p>"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat +it to each other."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, +the neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows +the ways of the world.</p> +<p>Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a +particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over +very solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.</p> +<p>An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting +complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other +children.</p> +<p>"Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell God all +about how naughty you'd been?"</p> +<p>The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't," +she gurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody +down.—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the +other half lives."</p> +<p>"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her +fault."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is only national history that "repeats itself." Your private +history is repeated by the neighbors.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Linkum," said Jorrocks.</p> +<p>"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what +you hear?"</p> +<p>"That's what I do do," said Linkum. "Only I tell the spicy +half."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What," asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing +false witness against one's neighbor?"</p> +<p>"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small +maid.</p> +<p>"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher.</p> +<p>"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the +air. "It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told +about it."—<i>H.R. Bennett</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MAUD—"That story you told about Alice isn't worth +repeating."</p> +<p>KATE—"It's young yet; give it time."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SON—"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"</p> +<p>FATHER—"Because they are too polite to leave off the +'e.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I cannot tell how the truth may be;</p> +<p class="i2">I say the tale as 'twas said to me.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, +and if you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why +should I tell it?"—<i>Lavater</i>.</p> +<a name="H311" id="H311"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP</h3> +<p>"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the +government?"</p> +<p>"I might if I didn't know who controlled the +government."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H312" id="H312"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GOVERNORS</h3> +<p>The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a +Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at +table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the +Governor solemnly throughout the repast.</p> +<p>Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a +governor?"</p> +<p>"Yes," replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly +am."</p> +<p>"I've always wanted to see a governor," continued the child, +"for I've heard Daddy speak of 'em."</p> +<p>"Well," rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are +you satisfied?"</p> +<p>"No, sir," answered the youngster, without the slightest +impertinence, but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm +disappointed."</p> +<a name="H313" id="H313"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GRAFT</h3> +<p>"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.</p> +<p>"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which +ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population +to apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to +explain how they got it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>LADY—"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending +the rich Smith boy, ain't ye, doctor?"</p> +<p>DOCTOR—"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"</p> +<p>LADY—"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw +the brick that hit 'im!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Every man has his price, but some hold bargain +sales.—<i>Satire</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Democrats had a clear working majority in ——, +Illinois, for a number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment +went into effect it enfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as +to make it apparent to the party leaders that unless a good many +black votes could be bought up, the Republicans would carry the +city election. Accordingly advances were made to the Rev. Brother +——, whose influence it was thought desirable to secure, +inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of his entire +church.</p> +<p>He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed +satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary +to secure his vote and influence.</p> +<p>With an air of offended dignity, Brother —— +replied:</p> +<p>"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist +Church dis ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; +but, gemmen, my son will call round to see you in de mornin'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned +his new suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a +café and refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his +pocket for the money to settle his check, he realized that he had +neglected to transfer both purse and watch when he left his suit. +As he hesitated, somewhat embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor +at his feet. Seizing it thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's +desk and presented both check and money.</p> +<p>"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his +change.</p> +<p>"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. +"I'm dividing with you. I saw it first."</p> +<a name="H314" id="H314"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GRATITUDE</h3> +<p>After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, +the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, +counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I +saw you knocked down in me own parish—wouldn't I bring a +faction to the rescue?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who +complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to +read.</p> +<p>"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung +next Tuesday."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the +United Society of Lady Vegetarians.</p> +<p>They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to +boil, when, horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the +scene.</p> +<p>Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging +creature pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red +parasol. By great good fortune she nipped over the stile before it +could reach her. Then, regaining her breath, she turned round.</p> +<p>"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been +a vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Miss PASSAY—"You have saved my life, young man. How can I +repay you? How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"</p> +<p>YOUNG MAN—"Yes; come and be a cook for us."</p> +<a name="H315" id="H315"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GREAT BRITAIN</h3> +<p>One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his +speech in the House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is +the story of the small boy who was watching the Speaker's +procession as it wended its way through the lobby. First came the +Speaker, and then the chaplain, and next the other officers.</p> +<p>"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing +to the chaplain.</p> +<p>"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the +House."</p> +<p>"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy.</p> +<p>The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he +goes into the House he looks around and sees the members sitting +there and then he prays for the country."—<i>Cardiff +Mail</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of +history, who has evidently profited by such observations as he may +have overheard his father utter touching certain phases of British +empire-building. At any rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the +opinion not infrequently expressed in regard to the righteousness +of "British occupation." It was he who handed in the following +essay on the making of a British colony:</p> +<p>"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does +it. First she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a +specially beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his +people round him and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are +shut, up goes the British flag."</p> +<a name="H316" id="H316"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GRIEF</h3> +<p>Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's +invitation to ride in his new car.</p> +<p>"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"</p> +<p>"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that—I done los' $5, sah, +an' I jes' nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."</p> +<a name="H317" id="H317"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GUARANTEES</h3> +<p>TRAVELER (on an English train)—"Shall I have time to get a +drink?"</p> +<p>GUARD—"Yes, sir."</p> +<p>TRAVELER—"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't +start?"</p> +<p>GUARD—"Yes, I'll take one with you!"</p> +<a name="H318" id="H318"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>GUESTS</h3> +<p>"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg +at breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"</p> +<p>"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss +mornin', suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and +we's savin' all de fresh aigs for him, suh."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Here's a health to thee and thine</p> +<p class="i2">From the hearts of me and mine;</p> +<p class="i2">And when thee and thine</p> +<p class="i2">Come to see me and mine,</p> +<p class="i2">May me and mine make thee and thine</p> +<p class="i2">As welcome as thee and thine</p> +<p class="i2">Have ever made me and mine."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H319" id="H319"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HABIT</h3> +<p>Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a +young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been +many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any +time when you want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can +manage him."</p> +<p>One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy +appeared at the first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, +seized him by the arm, dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him +over her knee and did her duty.</p> +<p>When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to +say?"</p> +<p>"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon +keeper was appointed police magistrate.</p> +<p>"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first +case was called.</p> +<p>"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.</p> +<p>The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling +defendant.</p> +<p>"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.</p> +<p>"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."</p> +<p>"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he +absently polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket +handkerchief.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to +another. "Did you see it?"</p> +<p>"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before +sunrise."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an +early train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. +Near the station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him +with:</p> +<p>"Say, son, got another cigarette?"</p> +<p>"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."</p> +<p>"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very +well. Will you fix one for me?"</p> +<p>The boy did.</p> +<p>"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search +through his pockets.</p> +<p>The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't +got anything but the habit, have you?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Habit with him was all the test of truth;</p> +<p class="i2">"It must be right: I've done it from my youth."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Crabbe</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H320" id="H320"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HADES</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Future life.</p> +<a name="H321" id="H321"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HAPPINESS</h3> +<p>Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school +question:</p> +<p>"The subject of the American versus the English school has been +too much discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, +on the schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is +well reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which +said:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"'Dear parents—We are having a good time now at school. +George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went skating +and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was drowned. Most +of the boys here are down with influenza. The gardener fell into +our cave and broke his rib, but he can work a little. The aviator +man at the race course kicked us because we threw sand in his +motor, and we are all black and blue. I broke my front tooth +playing football. We are very happy.'"</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you +make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the +memory of it.—<i>Sydney Smith</i>.</p> +<a name="H322" id="H322"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HARNESSING</h3> +<p>The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap +for a little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, +the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while +the men fished for an hour or two.</p> +<p>When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented +itself, inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to +reharness the horse. Every effort in this direction met with dire +failure, and the worst problem was properly to adjust the bit. The +horse himself seemed to resent the idea of going into harness +again.</p> +<p>Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the +road. "There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he.</p> +<p>"What's that?" asked Bill.</p> +<p>"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"</p> +<a name="H323" id="H323"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HARVARD UNIVERSITY</h3> +<p>"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is +a match factory."</p> +<p>"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make +the heads, but we get the sticks from Harvard."—<i>C. +Stratton</i>.</p> +<a name="H324" id="H324"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HASH</h3> +<p>"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any +connecting link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable +kingdom?"</p> +<p>"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."</p> +<a name="H325" id="H325"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HASTE</h3> +<p>The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through +the crowd rushed a man—hot, excited, laden to the chin with +bundles of every shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his +eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier. +He paused but an instant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on +by the amused crowd, he made a flying leap across the intervening +stretch of water and landed safely on the deck. A fat man happened +to be standing on the exact spot on which he struck, and they both +went down with a resounding crash. When the arriving man had +somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat man. "I hope +I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway I caught the +boat!"</p> +<p>"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"</p> +<a name="H326" id="H326"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HEALTH RESORTS</h3> +<p>"Where've you been, Murray?"</p> +<p>"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply +great."</p> +<p>"Then why did you come away?"</p> +<p>"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."</p> +<p>"Are you going back?"</p> +<p>"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."</p> +<a name="H327" id="H327"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HEARING</h3> +<p>The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they +had overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.</p> +<p>"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard +her mention 'a trained deer.'"</p> +<p>"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must +have! They were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out +about the train, dear.'"</p> +<p>"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were +talking about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as +distinctly as could be."</p> +<p>The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady +herself appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and +asked for a settlement.</p> +<p>"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each +one. "I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my +husband if it rained here last night."</p> +<p>After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in +silence.—<i>W.J. Lampton</i>.</p> +<a name="H328" id="H328"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HEAVEN</h3> +<p>"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, +"don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."</p> +<p>"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."</p> +<p>"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to +heaven."</p> +<p>"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live +ones up there."—<i>I.C. Curtis</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Future life.</p> +<a name="H329" id="H329"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HEIRLOOMS</h3> +<p>HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)—"Are both +your rings heirlooms?"</p> +<p>SHE (concealing the hand)—"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in +the family since the time of Alfred, but the other is +newer"—(blushing)—"it only dates from the +conquest."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"My grandfather was a captain of industry."</p> +<p>"Well?"</p> +<p>"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his +check-books."</p> +<a name="H330" id="H330"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HELL</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Future life.</p> +<a name="H331" id="H331"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HEREDITY</h3> +<p>"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"</p> +<p>"Something which descends from father to son."</p> +<p>"Is a spanking hereditary?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top +trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke +for itself. He entered the library where his father was reading. +The old gentleman looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he +looked, the more disgusted he became.</p> +<p>"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d—— +fool!"</p> +<p>Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the +boy heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you +look exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he +came back from school!"</p> +<p>"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just +telling me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a +chicken. I wonder why?" said Jones.</p> +<p>"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham +and the other from eggs."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. +"Well, it may turn out all right, but don't you think you are +taking chances?"</p> +<p>"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the +child may develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from +my side of the house."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Ancestry.</p> +<a name="H332" id="H332"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HEROES</h3> +<p>THE PASSER-BY—"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; +you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"</p> +<p>THE HERO—"He had my skates on!"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MR. HENPECK—"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of +impudence?"</p> +<p>MR. SCRAPER—"I reckon I am."</p> +<p>MR. HENPECK—"Shake! You're a hero."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Each man is a hero and an oracle to +somebody.—<i>Emerson</i>.HIGH COST OF LIVING</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See</i> Cost of living.</p> +<a name="H333" id="H333"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HINTING</h3> +<p>Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread +and butter, and politely said, "Thank you."</p> +<p>"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little +boys say 'thank you.'"</p> +<p>"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, +you might put some jam on it."</p> +<a name="H334" id="H334"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HOME</h3> +<p>Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on +your old manners.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Who hath not met with home-made bread,</p> +<p class="i2">A heavy compound of putty and lead—</p> +<p class="i2">And home-made wines that rack the head,</p> +<p class="i2">And home-made liquors and waters?</p> +<p class="i2">Home-made pop that will not foam,</p> +<p class="i2">And home-made dishes that drive one from +home—</p> +<p class="i10">* * * * * *</p> +<p class="i2">Home-made by the homely daughters.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Hood</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H335" id="H335"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HOMELINESS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Beauty, Personal.</p> +<a name="H336" id="H336"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HOMESTEADS</h3> +<p>"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know +all about this law. Tell me what I am to do."</p> +<p>"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of +the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The +government is willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of +land against fourteen dollars that you can't live on it five years +without starving to death."—<i>Fenimore Martin</i>.</p> +<a name="H337" id="H337"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HONESTY</h3> +<p>"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an +approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>VISITOR—"And you always did your daring robberies +single-handed? Why didn't you have a pal?"</p> +<p>PRISONER—"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be +dishonest."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a +story about honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a +position in a dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, +and references were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the +name of a driver in the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, +would vouch for him. A clerk sought out the driver, and asked him +if the applicant was honest. 'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his +honesty's been proved again and again. To my certain knowledge he's +been arrested nine times for stealing and every time he was +acquitted.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I +came to measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I +found them nearly two barrels short?"</p> +<p>"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your +own flour-barrels."</p> +<p>"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a +mistake. Let's imbibe."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.</p> +<p>"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the +same time producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That +ain't the hand I dealt ye!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two +dumpy little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in +a quarter, she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for +that money.</p> +<p>"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the +clerk.</p> +<p>"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can +spare more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat +you any, mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they +get into a seat, and don't see a single bit of it."</p> +<p>The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two +children to pass in.</p> +<p>Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the +auditorium and handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the +ticket-seller.</p> +<p>"What's this?" demanded the latter.</p> +<p>"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman +beckoned me clear across the house, and said one of her kids had +waked up and was looking at the show, and that I should bring you +that quarter."</p> +<a name="H338" id="H338"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HONOR</h3> +<p>In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men +smoking and reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the +conductor's voice cried:</p> +<p>"All tickets, please!"</p> +<p>Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, +scanned the faces of the others and said, slowly and +impressively:</p> +<p>"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor."</p> +<p>And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, +silent knot till the conductor was safely gone.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Titles of honour add not to his worth,</p> +<p class="i2">Who is himself an honour to his titles.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>John Ford</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H339" id="H339"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HOPE</h3> +<p>FRED—"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your +lover's death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone +the same way."</p> +<p>BEREAVED ONE—"They haven't all gone, have +they?"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<a name="H340" id="H340"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HORSES</h3> +<p>A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with +two dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency +than a five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The +latter took it, looked it over for a moment or so, and then +asked:</p> +<p>"Which horse do you want?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble +with his horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and +then stop again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty +in getting it started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, +solicitously:</p> +<p>"Is your horse sick?"</p> +<p>"Not as I knows of."</p> +<p>"Is he balky?"</p> +<p>"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear +me, that he stops every once in a while to listen."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A German farmer was in search of a horse.</p> +<p>"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's +five years old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without +stopping."</p> +<p>The German threw his hands skyward.</p> +<p>"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from +town, und mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse +flesh.</p> +<p>The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of +his master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal +fell ill and died.</p> +<p>"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy +the next morning.</p> +<p>"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.</p> +<p>"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me +for my horse?"</p> +<p>"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You +can take it out of my next Saturday's wages."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of +town on important law business. As he had a long distance to travel +he hired a horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he +returned he took the horse back to the stable and asked the man who +had given it to him: "Keep this horse for funerals?"</p> +<p>"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.</p> +<p>"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse +wouldn't get there in time for the resurrection."</p> +<a name="H341" id="H341"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HOSPITALITY</h3> +<p>Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler +dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one +farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one +came to the door.</p> +<p>As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled +down his collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel +the stream of water coursing down his back. Another spell of +pounding, and finally the red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out +of the second story window.</p> +<p>"Watcher want?" it asked.</p> +<p>"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler +answered testily.</p> +<p>The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before +answering.</p> +<p>"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the +window.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The old friends had had three days together.</p> +<p>"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the +morning of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet."</p> +<p>"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host +comfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you +come again."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading +aloud to him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was +called to the telephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now +you beat it home." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and +raconteur, hails from a little town in the western part of the +state, but his patriotism is state-wide, and when Louisville made a +bid for the last Democratic national convention she had no more +enthusiastic supporter than James. A Denver supporter was +protesting.</p> +<p>"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take +care of the crowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and +the dining-rooms of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough."</p> +<p>"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville +would make her visitors have such a thundering good time that no +gentleman would think of going to bed!"</p> +<a name="H342" id="H342"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HOSTS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,</p> +<p class="i2">And your cordial which was welcome.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the host and the hostess,</p> +<p class="i4">We're honored to be here tonight;</p> +<p class="i2">May they both live long and prosper,</p> +<p class="i4">May their star of hope ever be bright.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H343" id="H343"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HOTELS</h3> +<p>In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders +taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will +be taken by the neck."—<i>Country Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H344" id="H344"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HUNGER</h3> +<p>A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His +sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a +dozen famished wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the +others stopped to devour it. But they soon caught up with him, and +he shot another, which was in turn devoured. This was repeated +until the last famished wolf was almost upon him with yearning +jaws, when—</p> +<p>"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to +your reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other +'leven inside of him."</p> +<p>"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he +wasn't so darned famished after all."</p> +<a name="H345" id="H345"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HUNTING</h3> +<p>A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's +snipe-shooting" in the country. The invitation was accepted, and +host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of +game.</p> +<p>After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the +visitor's first barrell.</p> +<p>The host's face fell also.</p> +<p>"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was +the only snipe in the neighborhood."</p> +<p>The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six +weeks.</p> +<a name="H346" id="H346"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HURRY</h3> +<p>See Haste.</p> +<a name="H347" id="H347"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HUSBANDS</h3> +<p>"Is she making him a good wife?"</p> +<p>"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial +town, but unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were +equally divided between them. The wife decided to continue business +as an exhibitor at the old address, but the husband went on a +tour.</p> +<p>After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a +reconciliation took place, as the result of which they became +business partners once more. A few mornings afterward the people of +the neighborhood were sent into fits of laughter on reading the +following notice in the papers:</p> +<p>"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been +permanently increased."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country +with a number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and +telling how much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.</p> +<p>"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.</p> +<p>"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so +swift, so safe chenerally—und such luxury in all dhe +furnishings und opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one +thing—our wives do not like dhe upper berths."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington +were one night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, +took up his residence in another city. One of the grouches had +recently visited the old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch +wanted news of the Benedict.</p> +<p>"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.</p> +<p>"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, +"but I'll tell you of a little incident in their household that +came within my observation. The very first morning I spent with +them, our old friend answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he +returned to us, in the breakfast room, he carried a letter in his +hand. Turning to his wife, he said:</p> +<p>"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"—<i>Edwin +Tarrisse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.</p> +<p>"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with +muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be +fed."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>NEIGHBOR—"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the +hangels now?"</p> +<p>LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW—"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the +'arp's nearer 'is mark!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to +another during a talk.</p> +<p>"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.</p> +<p>"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a +husband—you're a habit."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MR. HENPECK—"Is my wife going out, Jane?"</p> +<p>JANE—"Yessir."</p> +<p>MR. HENPECK—"Do you know if I am going with her?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of +wedlock, and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little +children, had an amusing old colored woman for a cook.</p> +<p>One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for +the mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' +husband send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"</p> +<p>"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.</p> +<p>"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out +well."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a +letter to his wife, in the office. As a result, the signature +read:</p> +<p class="author">Your loving husband,<br /> +HOPKINS BROS.</p> +<p class="i2">—<i>Winifred C. Bristol</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she +had helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married +again.</p> +<p>"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months +after her marriage.</p> +<p>"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.</p> +<p>"And is your husband a good provider?"</p> +<p>"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic +reply. "Why, jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash +at."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."</p> +<p>"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"</p> +<p>"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his +wife."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." +Every guest was to bring something that she could not find any use +for, and yet too good to throw away. The party would have been a +great success but for the unlooked-for development which broke it +up. Eleven of the nineteen women brought their husbands.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A very man—not one of nature's clods—</p> +<p class="i4">With human failings, whether saint or sinner:</p> +<p class="i2">Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods</p> +<p class="i4">But apt to take his temper from his dinner.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>J. G. Saxe</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an +umbrella like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she +might put out the eye of the man behind her.</p> +<p>"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>OLD MONEY (dying)—"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you +sometimes, dear."</p> +<p>YOUNG WIFE—"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always +remember how very kind you were when you left me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his +late hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in +the following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:</p> +<p>"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my +clothes in the hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip +into bed with the ease of experience.</p> +<p>"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on +jumping in the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the +covers she stirred in her sleep and pushed me on the head.</p> +<p>"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.</p> +<p>"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick +her hand, and she dozed off again!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MR. HOMEBODY—"I see you keep copies of all the letters you +write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating yourself?"</p> +<p>MR. FARAWAY—"No. To avoid contradicting myself."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There is gladness in his gladness, when he's +glad,</p> +<p class="i2">There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;</p> +<p class="i2">But the gladness in his gladness,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor the sadness in his sadness,</p> +<p class="i2">Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Cowards; Domestic finance.</p> +<a name="H348" id="H348"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HYBRIDIZATION</h3> +<p>We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the +Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew +barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes +to an experimenter attached to the Berlin War Office, who has +crossed carrier pigeons with parrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can +now get verbal messages through the enemy's lines.—<i>Warwick +James Price</i>.</p> +<a name="H349" id="H349"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HYPERBOLE</h3> +<p>"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had +had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they +used to out in my part of the country. The first season I planted +'em I thought my fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest +one."</p> +<p>He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was +forced to continue unurged:</p> +<p>"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' +'em 'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up +their minds to get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, +carryin' one along with the vine and—"</p> +<p>But his companions had already started toward the barroom +door.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk +to see how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing +faster than the boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. +Three men have taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with +axes to save the boy a horrible death by starving, but the stalk +grows so rapidly that they can't hit twice in the same place. The +boy is living on green corn alone and has already thrown down over +four bushels of cobs. Even if the corn holds out there is still +danger that the boy will reach a height where he will be frozen to +death. There is some talk of attempting his rescue with a +balloon.—<i>Topeka Capital</i>.</p> +<a name="H350" id="H350"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>HYPOCRISY</h3> +<p>Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"</p> +<p>TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his +face."—<i>Graham Charteris</i>.</p> +<a name="H351" id="H351"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>IDEALS</h3> +<p>The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs +troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. +Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was +surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with +this injunction chalked above it:</p> +<p>"Keep your eye on this and do your best."</p> +<a name="H352" id="H352"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS</h3> +<p>A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him +on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can +run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two +weeks as good as new."</p> +<p>The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it +finished and sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped +through his fingers to the floor, lighted on the back of a +cockroach that was passing, and stuck. The patient hadn't seen the +cockroach—what he did see was his escaped postage stamp +zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the baseboard, wavering +up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track up the wall +and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the letter +he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.</p> +<p>"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three +years."</p> +<a name="H353" id="H353"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>IMAGINATION</h3> +<p>One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little +boy about their respective ages.</p> +<p>"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, +in May, and your's don't come till September."</p> +<p>"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, +"but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the +angels when they were making you."</p> +<p>The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking +mother's heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said. +"Don't you remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"</p> +<p>"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw +them carried into the corner drug store!"</p> +<a name="H354" id="H354"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>IMITATION</h3> +<p>Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air +performance of <i>As You Like It</i> near Boston. The garden +wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick +edifice.</p> +<p>One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the +building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:</p> +<p>"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."</p> +<a name="H355" id="H355"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INFANTS</h3> +<p>A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to +let you have the baby half the time."</p> +<p>"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"</p> +<p>"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Is the baby strong?"</p> +<p>"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"</p> +<p>"Yes."</p> +<p>"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"—<i>Comic +Cuts</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Recipe for a baby:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly +milk,</p> +<p class="i4">Smother with a pillow any sneeze;</p> +<p class="i2">Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its +back—</p> +<p class="i4">"Don't forget that you were one of these."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H356" id="H356"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INQUISITIVENESS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Wives.</p> +<a name="H357" id="H357"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INSANITY</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Editors; Love.</p> +<a name="H358" id="H358"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INSPIRATIONS</h3> +<p>She was from Boston, and he was not.</p> +<p>He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he +knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.</p> +<p>Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read +'Romeo and Juliet?'"</p> +<p>He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a +brilliant thought, blurted out, happily:</p> +<p>"I've—I've read Romeo!"</p> +<a name="H359" id="H359"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INSTALMENT PLAN</h3> +<p>Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is +paying instalments on.</p> +<a name="H360" id="H360"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INSTRUCTIONS</h3> +<p>A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a +sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric +old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for +a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform.</p> +<p>"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want +to be well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sir, but—"</p> +<p>"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train +boys away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an +extra blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide +him into another. I want you to—"</p> +<p>"But, say, boss, I—"</p> +<p>"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the +talking myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want +to get the good of it. Not a word, sir."</p> +<p>The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin +and swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. +"You can do the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you +wouldn't let me tell you—but I ain't going out on that +train."</p> +<a name="H361" id="H361"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INSURANCE, LIFE</h3> +<p>A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the +other day.</p> +<p>"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.</p> +<p>"No," said the man.</p> +<p>"Do you motor?"</p> +<p>"No."</p> +<p>"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"</p> +<p>"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no +dangerous—"</p> +<p>But the agent interrupted him curtly.</p> +<p>"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure +pedestrians."</p> +<a name="H362" id="H362"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INSURANCE BLANKS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Irish bulls.</p> +<a name="H363" id="H363"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INSURGENTS</h3> +<p>"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do +you call that kind of cucumber?"</p> +<p>"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. +It doesn't always agree with a party."</p> +<a name="H364" id="H364"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INTERVIEWS</h3> +<p>"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"</p> +<p>"No," replied Senator Soghum.</p> +<p>"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"</p> +<p>"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."</p> +<a name="H365" id="H365"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>INVITATIONS</h3> +<p>"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to +the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am +quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little +doubt as to the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as +follows:</p> +<p>"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and +Miss Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. +All who cannot come may send."—<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the +street.</p> +<p>"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said +graciously.</p> +<p>"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow +night do just as well?"</p> +<p>"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the +mandarin curiously.</p> +<p>"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to +give me tonight's invitation."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MARION (just from the telephone)—"He wanted to know if we +would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."</p> +<p>MADELINE—"Who was speaking?"</p> +<p>MARION—"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother +consented, provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had +had trouble, but, rather than not have the party, Willie promised +his mother to invite Tommy.</p> +<p>On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had +arrived except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her +son.</p> +<p>"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party +tonight?"</p> +<p>"Yes, Mother."</p> +<p>"And did he say he would not come?"</p> +<p>"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared +him to come."</p> +<a name="H366" id="H366"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>IRISH BULLS</h3> +<p>Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in +marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his +companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said +Mike, "when he says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the +ground to the side av the foot that's in the air, an' remain +motionless."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse +John's absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the +mud. By doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its +legs rather freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the +stirrup, when the Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if +you're goin' to git on I'll git off."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, +but if 'e don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>For rent—A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives +telegraphed him: "Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your +lordship will pay her funeral expenses."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges +idle, said sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for +idle hands to do. Come up here and let me give you some work."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the +classroom one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet +in the aisle and chewing gum.</p> +<p>"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of +your mouth and put your feet in."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MAGISTRATE—"You admit you stole the pig?"</p> +<p>PRISONER—"I 'ave to."</p> +<p>MAGISTRATE—"Very well, then. There has been a lot of +pig-stealing going on lately, and I am going to make an example of +you, or none of us will be safe."—<i>M.L. Hayward</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, +"Gideon did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw +themselves down to drink; but he took those who watched with one +eye and drank with the other."—<i>Joe King</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."</p> +<p>"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"</p> +<p>"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into +it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton +procession from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was +jerked down by a policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and +being removed from that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li +Hung Chang's gingko-tree. Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't +look at annything frum where ye can see it frum."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MRS. JENKINS—"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I +have bought a house next you, with a water frontage."</p> +<p>MRS. SMITH—"So glad! I hope you will drop in some +time."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was +posted:</p> +<p>"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen +are requested to make use of them only after the former are +seated."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in +two places at the same time, barring he is a bird."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in +speech, remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. +"I don't know why it is—every time I get up to speak, some +fool talks." Then he wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of +laughter.—<i>Grub S. Arts</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being +tried for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery +on his side, and the men and women began to express their +admiration by stamping, not loudly, but like muffled drums. A big +policeman came up to the gallery, scowled at the disturbers then, +when that had no effect, called out in a stage whisper:</p> +<p>"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer +feet!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up +are often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical +Journal shows in the following excellent selection of examples:</p> +<p>Mother died in infancy.</p> +<p>Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up +dead.</p> +<p>Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she +bade fair to reach a ripe old age.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, +except that they died at an advanced age.</p> +<p>Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that +she fully recovered from her last illness.</p> +<p>Applicant has never been fatally sick.</p> +<p>Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere +child.</p> +<p>Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but +she was cured before death.</p> +<a name="H367" id="H367"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>IRISHMEN</h3> +<p>A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he +runs a brick-yard.—<i>Chicago Tribune</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New +England preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen +hundred—a spark of humor struck from flint. "These Irish, +anciently called 'Anthropophagi,' man-eaters, have a tradition +among them that when the devil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms +of the earth and their glory, he would not show Him Ireland, but +reserved it for himself; it is probably true, for he hath kept it +ever since for his own peculiar."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons +and invited his caller to take a look at them.</p> +<p>"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father.</p> +<p>"They are," agreed the visitor.</p> +<p>"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver +laid violent hands on any one of 'em except in +silf-difince."—<i>Popular Magazine</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Fighting; Irish bulls.</p> +<a name="H368" id="H368"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>IRREVERENCE</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There were three young women of Birmingham,</p> +<p class="i2">And I know a sad story concerning 'em:</p> +<p class="i4">They stuck needles and pins</p> +<p class="i4">In the reverend shins</p> +<p class="i2">Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude +Atherton. After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James +as follows:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of +my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or +not?"</p> +<p>Sincerely,<br /> +"GERTRUDE ATHERTON."</p> +</blockquote> +<a name="H369" id="H369"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>JEWELS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The girl with the ruby lips we like,</p> +<p class="i4">The lass with teeth of pearl,</p> +<p class="i2">The maid with the eyes like diamonds,</p> +<p class="i4">The cheek-like-coral girl;</p> +<p class="i2">The girl with the alabaster brow,</p> +<p class="i4">The lass from the Emerald Isle.</p> +<p class="i2">All these we like, but not the jade</p> +<p class="i4">With the sardonyx smile.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H370" id="H370"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>JEWS</h3> +<p>What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin +the banana.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite +evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered +inquisitively at the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of +the car seat with him.</p> +<p>The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he began +politely.</p> +<p>"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card.</p> +<p>"But you're a Jew?"</p> +<p>"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer.</p> +<p>"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little +village in Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a +Jew."</p> +<p>"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One +said Stephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it +was the man who invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. +Still another for the Wrights,</p> +<p>Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained +silent:</p> +<p>"Who do you think?"</p> +<p>"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented +interest was no slouch."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a +famous specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty +people in the waiting-room.</p> +<p>After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and +whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, +ain't he?"</p> +<p>"One of the best," the gentleman told him.</p> +<p>Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.</p> +<p>"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, +then, ain't he? Vat does he charge?"</p> +<p>The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered +rather shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and +twenty-five dollars for each visit thereafter."</p> +<p>"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky—"Fifty tollars the first time +und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"</p> +<p>For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to +wait. "Und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept +muttering. Finally, just as he was called into the office, he was +seized with a brilliant inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor +with outstretched hands.</p> +<p>"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am +<i>again</i>."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a +literature is called rich in the possession of a few classic +tragedies what shall we say to a national tragedy lasting for +fifteen hundred years, in which the poets and the actors were also +the heroes.—<i>George Eliot</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Failures; Fires.</p> +<a name="H371" id="H371"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>JOKES</h3> +<p>A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and +different in that the joke can be cracked again.—<i>William +J. Burtscher</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>JOKELY—"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent +them out last week."</p> +<p>BOGGS—"What luck did you have with them?"</p> +<p>JOKELY—"Oh, they all came flying back."—<i>Will S. +Gidley</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"I ne'er forget a joke I have</p> +<p class="i4">Once heard!" Augustus cried.</p> +<p class="i2">"And neither do you let your friends</p> +<p class="i4">Forget it!" Jane replied.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Childe Harold</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the +noon hour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time +to pick up his hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish +I wuz daid. 'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell +night."</p> +<p>Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a +brick on the grumbler's head.</p> +<p>Dazed he looked up and said:</p> +<p>"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in +yearnist."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The late H.C. Bunner, when editor of <i>Puck</i>, once received +a letter accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the +writer asked: "What will you give me for these?"</p> +<p>"Ten yards start," was Bunner's generous offer, written beneath +the query.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>NEW CONGRESSMAN—"What can I do for you, sir?"</p> +<p>SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing +Company)—"I shall be delighted if you'll place an order for a +dozen of real, live, snappy, humorous anecdotes as told by +yourself, sir."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years +ago from Egypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and +multiplied. They are in extensive use in all parts of the country +and as an antidote for thought are indispensable at all dinner +parties.</p> +<p>There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country +was formed they added a constitution, which increased the number to +twenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among +themselves and their children travel from press to press.</p> +<p>Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to San +Francisco.</p> +<p>The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, +he tells the story of his life over and over again. Outside of the +ballot-box he is the greatest repeater that we have.</p> +<p>Jokes are of three kinds—plain, illustrated and pointless. +Frequently they are all three.</p> +<p>No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form +one of our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and +day to turn out the often neatly finished product. The importation +of jokes while considerable is not as great as it might be, as the +flavor is lost in transit.</p> +<p>Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As +scenebreakers they have no equal.—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the joke, the good old joke,</p> +<p class="i4">The joke that our fathers told;</p> +<p class="i2">It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright</p> +<p class="i4">As it was in the days of old.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">When Adam was young it was on his tongue,</p> +<p class="i4">And Noah got in the swim</p> +<p class="i2">By telling the jest as the brightest and best</p> +<p class="i4">That ever happened to him.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So here's to the joke, the good old joke—</p> +<p class="i4">We'll hear it again tonight.</p> +<p class="i2">It's health we will quaff; that will help us to +laugh,</p> +<p class="i4">And to treat it in manner polite.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Lew Dockstader</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A jest's prosperity lies in the ear</p> +<p class="i2">Of him that hears it, never in the tongue</p> +<p class="i2">Of him that makes it.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<br /> +<h3>JOURNALISM</h3> +<p>A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. +Turning to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the +little pate, "this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," +cried the untutored old aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout +dat; dat'll come right in time."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati <i>Enquirer</i> and the +Washington <i>Post</i>, tells this story of the days when he was +actively in charge of the Cincinnati newspaper: An <i>Enquirer</i> +reporter was sent to a town in southwestern Ohio to get the story +of a woman evangelist who had been greatly talked about. The +reporter attended one of her meetings and occupied a front seat. +When those who wished to be saved were asked to arise, he kept his +seat and used his notebook. The evangelist approached, and, taking +him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus."</p> +<p>"Madam," said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on +business—to report your work."</p> +<p>"Brother," said she, "there is no business so important as +God's."</p> +<p>"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John +R. McLean."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A newspaper man named Fling</p> +<p class="i2">Could make "copy" from any old thing.</p> +<p class="i4">But the copy he wrote</p> +<p class="i4">Of a five dollar note</p> +<p class="i2">Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Columbia Jester</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Come in," called the magazine editor.</p> +<p>"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you +bought two years ago. My name is Pensnink—Percival Perrhyn +Pensnink. My composition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in +Thunderstorms,' and I should like to know how much longer I must +watch and wait before I shall see it in print."</p> +<p>"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little +essay to use at the time of your death. When public attention is +drawn to an author we like to have something of his on hand."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots,</p> +<p class="i2">Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's;</p> +<p class="i2">If there's a hole in a' your coats,</p> +<p class="i2">I rede you tent it:</p> +<p class="i2">A chiel's amang you taking notes,</p> +<p class="i2">And, faith, he'll prent it.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Burns</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Newspapers.</p> +<a name="H372" id="H372"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>JUDGES</h3> +<p>A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only +Irish. An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said +something to the interpreter.</p> +<p>"What does he say?" demanded his lordship.</p> +<p>"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.</p> +<p>"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what +was it?"</p> +<p>"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had +nothing to do with the case."</p> +<p>"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. +"Now, what did he say?"</p> +<p>"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old +woman with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"</p> +<p>At which the court roared.</p> +<p>"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little +uncomfortable.</p> +<p>"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going +to hang you."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a +charge of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, +the judge asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the +coop was so near the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in +the yard.</p> +<p>"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try +to 'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like +as not yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, +nuther. Ef yo' wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better +stick to de bench whar yo' am familiar."—<i>Mrs. L.F. +Clarke</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer +wisely, to consider soberly, and to decide +impartially.—<i>Socrates</i>.</p> +<a name="H373" id="H373"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>JUDGMENT</h3> +<p>HUSBAND—"But you must admit that men have better judgment +than women."</p> +<p>WIFE—"Oh, yes—you married me, and I +you."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H374" id="H374"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>JURY</h3> +<p>In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court +say, "Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was +convulsed with laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the +dock.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman +to whom the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, +and wore an air of a man determined not to "get the worst of +it."</p> +<p>"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to +challenge any of the jury?"</p> +<p>The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.</p> +<p>"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in +trainin', but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot +fat old boy in th' corner."</p> +<h3>JUSTICE</h3> +<p>There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our +side.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an +hour ago!"</p> +<p>"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped +me too hard, so I thought I'd just even up."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">One man's word is no man's word,</p> +<p class="i2">Justice is that both be heard.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he +decide justly cannot be considered just.—<i>Seneca</i>.</p> +<a name="H375" id="H375"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>JUVENILE DELINQUENCY</h3> +<p>A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a +department-store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, +and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the street a gamin +yelled: "What's the kid done?"</p> +<a name="H376" id="H376"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>KENTUCKY</h3> +<p>Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.</p> +<a name="H377" id="H377"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>KINDNESS</h3> +<p>Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at +home.—<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of +lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was +carrying it. As they crossed a street, the husband held out his +hand and said, "Gimme that basket, Hannah."</p> +<p>The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful +look.</p> +<p>"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered.</p> +<p>"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, +stood directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car +started she lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod +heavily on his toes.</p> +<p>As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her +his seat.</p> +<p>"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.</p> +<p>"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply +self-defense."</p> +<a name="H378" id="H378"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>KINGS AND RULERS</h3> +<p>"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and +dancing to my accomplishments."</p> +<p>"Aren't they rather light?"</p> +<p>"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a +revolution occurs and I have to go into vaudeville."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in +company with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, +given in honor of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his +time exclusively to the young ladies, paying little or no attention +to the elderly ones and chaperons.</p> +<p>His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social +position and his duty as well.</p> +<p>"That's all right," said the young Prince. "There are two of us. +You go and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the +girls."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And so we sing, "Long live the King;</p> +<p class="i2">Long live the Queen and Jack;</p> +<p class="i2">Long live the Ten-spot and the Ace,</p> +<p class="i2">And also all the pack."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Eugene Field</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY—"Wouldn't you like to be +presented to our sovereign?"</p> +<p>SECOND E.S.L.—"No. Simply because I have to be governed by +a man is no reason why I should condescend to meet him +socially."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General +Von Meerscheidt for some small lapses.</p> +<p>"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please +permit me to resign," said the General.</p> +<p>"No; you are too young to resign," said the Kaiser.</p> +<p>In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw +the old General talking to some young ladies, and he said:</p> +<p>"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament +will vanish."</p> +<p>"Excuse me, your Majesty," replied the General. "It would kill +me to have both a young wife and a young Emperor."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>During the war of 1812, a dinner was given in Canada, at which +both American and British officers were present. One of the latter +offered the toast: "To President Madison, dead or alive!"</p> +<p>An American offered the response: "To the Prince Regent, drunk +or sober!"—<i>Mrs. Gouverneur</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A lady of Queen Victoria's court once asked her if she did not +think that one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the +meeting with the notable figures of the past, such as Abraham, +Isaac and King David. After a moment's silence, with perfect +dignity and decision the great Queen made answer: "I will +<i>not</i> meet David!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap, as +Saadi sings,</p> +<p class="i2">But the immensest empire is too narrow for two +kings.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>William R. Alger</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here lies our sovereign lord, the king,</p> +<p class="i4">Whose word no man relies on,</p> +<p class="i2">Who never said a foolish thing,</p> +<p class="i4">And never did a wise one.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Said by a courtier of Charles, II. To which the King replied, +"That is very true, for my words are my own. My actions are my +minister's."</p> +<a name="H379" id="H379"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>KISSES</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to a kiss:</p> +<p class="i2">Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score,</p> +<p class="i2">Then to that twenty add a hundred more;</p> +<p class="i2">A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on,</p> +<p class="i2">To make that thousand quite a million,</p> +<p class="i2">Treble that million, and when that is done</p> +<p class="i2">Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your +mother."</p> +<p>"No; my lawyer."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is he so angry with you for?"</p> +<p>"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were +talking just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he +flared up and tried to kick me."</p> +<p>"And what were you talking about?"</p> +<p>"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always +kiss my wife three or four times every day.'"</p> +<p>"And what did you say?"</p> +<p>"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then +he had a fit."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old maiden from Fife,</p> +<p class="i2">Who had never been kissed in her life;</p> +<p class="i4">Along came a cat;</p> +<p class="i4">And she said, "I'll kiss that!"</p> +<p class="i2">But the cat answered, "Not on your life!"</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the red of the holly berry,</p> +<p class="i4">And to its leaf so green;</p> +<p class="i2">And here's to the lips that are just as red,</p> +<p class="i4">And the fellow who's not so green.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young sailor of Lyd,</p> +<p class="i2">Who loved a fair Japanese kid;</p> +<p class="i4">When it came to good-bye,</p> +<p class="i4">They were eager but shy,</p> +<p class="i2">So they put up a sunshade and—did.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There once was a maiden of Siam,</p> +<p class="i2">Who said to her lover, young Kiam,</p> +<p class="i4">"If you kiss me, of course</p> +<p class="i4">You will have to use force,</p> +<p class="i2">But God knows you're stronger than I am."</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented +kissing.—<i>Swift</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Courtship; Servants.</p> +<a name="H380" id="H380"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>KNOWLEDGE</h3> +<p>A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man +amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled +up and said: "My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that +way? I can't teach mine a single trick."</p> +<p>The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, +you see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you +can't learn him nothin'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>With knowledge and love the world is made.—<i>Anatole +France</i>.</p> +<a name="H381" id="H381"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>KULTUR</h3> +<p>HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)—"I think you +iss a stupid fool!"</p> +<p>MONSIEUR—"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, +is it, we both mistaken."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H382" id="H382"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES</h3> +<p>A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally +asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help +him out.</p> +<p>"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.</p> +<p>"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.</p> +<p>Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:</p> +<p>"I'll be <i>durned</i> if I'll work for that!"</p> +<a name="H383" id="H383"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LADIES</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Etiquet; Woman.</p> +<a name="H384" id="H384"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LANDLORDS</h3> +<p>An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had +pointed out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap +to him.</p> +<p>"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of +property in this district!"</p> +<p>"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the +landlords—he lives in England!"</p> +<a name="H385" id="H385"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LANGUAGES</h3> +<p>George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, +and his companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old +Arab. Ade's friend complained to him afterward that although he had +spent years in studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he +could not understand a word that the native said.</p> +<p>"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer +hasn't a tooth in his head, and he was only talking +gum-Arabic."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct +his daughters in the different languages.</p> +<p>"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any +woman."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official +to recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very +remarkable fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven +languages."</p> +<p>"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of +linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would +make!"</p> +<a name="H386" id="H386"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LAUGHTER</h3> +<p>TEACHER—"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the +schoolroom."</p> +<p>FREDDIE—"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the +smile busted."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Laugh and the world laughs with you,</p> +<p class="i2">Weep, and the laugh's on you.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>About the best and finest thing in this world is +laughter.—<i>Anna Alice Chapin</i>.</p> +<a name="H387" id="H387"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LAW</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Punishment.</p> +<a name="H388" id="H388"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LAWYERS</h3> +<p>Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from +collecting his bill.—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and +on seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep +into his trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly +inquired of those present:</p> +<p>"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a +professional humorist should be funny?"</p> +<p>When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:</p> +<p>"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer +should have his hands in his own pockets?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial +the jury acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and +asked the judge for a warrant against the lawyer who had +successfully defended him.</p> +<p>"What's the charge?" inquired the judge.</p> +<p>"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the +money to pay him his fee, so he took the horse I +stole."—<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some +chickens, had the misfortune to be defended by a young and +inexperienced attorney, although it is doubtful whether anyone +could have secured his acquittal, the commission of the crime +having been proved beyond all doubt.</p> +<p>The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah," +said he cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been +pronounced. "Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I +'spected. I thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech +of my lawyer dat you'd hang me, shore!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of +this morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, +who had dropped in at the police court.</p> +<p>"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at +the wrong bunch. Those are the lawyers."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his +pal emerged from the window.</p> +<p>"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in +disgust.</p> +<p>"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose +anyt'ing?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. +The telephone rang.</p> +<p>"Well, what is it?" he snapped.</p> +<p>"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice.</p> +<p>"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law +Department."</p> +<p>"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it +so far, after all, did I?"—<i>Carl Holliday</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on a +particular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company +of two friends. "Friends.'" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves, +I suppose." "They may be so," replied the witness, dryly, "for they +are both lawyers."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following +letter from a tailor to whom he was indebted:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a +remittance from you in settlement of my account.</p> +<p class="author">Yours truly, <br /> +J. SNIPPEN."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The follower of Blackstone immediately replied:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Sir: I have your request for advice of a recent date, and +beg leave to say that not having received any retainer from you I +cannot act in the premises. Upon receipt of your check for $250 I +shall be very glad to look the matter up for you and to acquaint +you with the results of my investigations.</p> +<p>I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant,</p> +<p class="author">BARCLAY B. COKE."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but +was not represented by a lawyer.</p> +<p>"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided.</p> +<p>"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner.</p> +<p>"Why not?" queried the judge.</p> +<p>"Because I have no money to pay one."</p> +<p>"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir."</p> +<p>"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. +George Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys +who were sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, +"and Mr. Allen is out in the hall."</p> +<p>The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical +survey, he turned to the judge and said:</p> +<p>"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. +Allen."—<i>A.S. Hitchcock</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old +lady of the ragged boy.</p> +<p>"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response.</p> +<p>"But how is it that you have the candy now?"</p> +<p>"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole +in the sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, +brought suit against the village for one thousand dollars and won +the case. The city appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the +great lawyer won.</p> +<p>After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and +handed him one dollar.</p> +<p>"What's this?" asked the man.</p> +<p>"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of +appeal and other expenses," replied the counsel.</p> +<p>The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully +scanned the other side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said: +"What's the matter with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Deceive not thy Physician, Confessor nor Lawyer.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A Sergeant of the Lawe, war and wys</p> +<p class="i2">Ther was also, ful riche of excellence.</p> +<p class="i2">Discreet he was, and of greet reverence:</p> +<p class="i2">He seemed swich, his wordes weren so wyse.</p> +<p class="i10">* * *</p> +<p class="i2">No-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas,</p> +<p class="i2">And yet he seemed bisier than he was.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Chaucer</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H389" id="H389"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LAZINESS</h3> +<p>A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a +querulous old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen +minutes at a stretch.</p> +<p>"Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots +of money shipping green corn to the northern market."</p> +<p>"Yes, I otter," was the sullen reply.</p> +<p>"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed."</p> +<p>"Yes, I guess so."</p> +<p>"Then why don't you go into the speculation?"</p> +<p>"No use, stranger," sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is +too lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one +of the passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front +of which sat a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native +why the dog was howling.</p> +<p>"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."</p> +<p>"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is +painful."</p> +<p>"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.</p> +<p>"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"</p> +<p>"Lazy."</p> +<p>"But why does laziness make him howl?"</p> +<p>"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a +sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets +thar an' howls 'cause it hurts."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How's times?" inquired a tourist.</p> +<p>"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting +on a stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along +and saved me the trouble."</p> +<p>"Fine."</p> +<p>"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and +saved me the trouble of burnin' it."</p> +<p>"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"</p> +<p>"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along +and shake the potatoes out of the ground."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of +Denver, shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl.</p> +<p>"They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn +they offer you work to do."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a +mountainous region in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants +are notoriously shiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the +noon hour, he inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner.</p> +<p>The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree +in front of his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed +Ma'd hev suthin' on to the table putty soon."</p> +<p>With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his +chagrin, however, he soon discovered that the food set before him +was such that he could not possibly "make a meal." He made such +excuses as he could for his lack of appetite, and finally bethought +himself of a kind of nourishment which he might venture to take, +and which was sure to be found in any locality. He asked for some +milk.</p> +<p>"Don't have milk no more," said the head of the place. "The +dawg's dead."</p> +<p>"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do +with it?"</p> +<p>"Well," explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem +to know 'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he +used to go for 'em an' fetch 'em up."—<i>Edwin +Tarrisse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Some temptations come to the industrious, but all temptations +attack the idle.—<i>Spurgeon</i>.</p> +<a name="H390" id="H390"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LEAP YEAR</h3> +<p>A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:</p> +<p>"George, as it is leap year—"</p> +<p>The caller turned pale.</p> +<p>"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling +regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I +propose—"</p> +<p>"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George +interrupted hurriedly.</p> +<p>"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap +year, I thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the +more eligible fellows a chance."—<i>L.F. Clarke</i>.</p> +<a name="H391" id="H391"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LEGISLATORS</h3> +<p>Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to +inspect an insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the +committee spent in the investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a +partner one of the fair unfortunates to whom he was introduced.</p> +<p>"I don't remember having seen you here before," said she; "how +long have you been in the asylum?"</p> +<p>"Oh, I only came down yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of +the Legislative Committee."</p> +<p>"Of course," returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I +knew you were an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I +looked at you. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know +which."</p> +<a name="H392" id="H392"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LIARS</h3> +<p>There are three kinds of liars:</p> +<p>1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him +alone.</p> +<p>2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a +careful study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he +will find out that you are a hypocrite.</p> +<p>3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious +individual. Encourage him.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when +one made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over +and called:</p> +<p>"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"</p> +<p>"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly.</p> +<p>"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or +not."</p> +<p>"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never +dare to call me a liar if Oi wor aloive."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FATHER (reprovingly)—"Do you know what happens to liars +when they die?"</p> +<p>JOHNNY—"Yes, sir; they lie still."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his +captain with a most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her +heart for his absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's +ways, replied:</p> +<p>"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received +a letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because +you get drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her +shamefully."</p> +<p>The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at +the door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but +as mon to mon?"</p> +<p>"Yes; what is it?"</p> +<p>"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the +captain and lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most +iligant liars the Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to +the proper pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often +startled upon arrival at his station to hear the conductor +yell:</p> +<p>"You're a liar! You're a liar!"</p> +<p>And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:</p> +<p>"You really are! You really are!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MOTHER—"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told +stories when I was a little girl."</p> +<p>BOBBY—"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"—<i>Horace +Zimmerman</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of +old Si Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in.</p> +<p>"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would +you call Si Perkins a liar?"</p> +<p>"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied +the ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar +exactly, but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order +to get any response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to +call 'em for him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help +in time of trouble.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy +young easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently +took them to be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to +chaff them with a recital something as follows:</p> +<p>"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a +hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he +finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down."</p> +<p>At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. +Not a word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very +slowly, "<i>for the second time</i>."</p> +<p>"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little +Bostonian, "that it required a period of two days to enable you to +dispose of that grizzly."</p> +<p>"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That +grizzly died mighty hard."</p> +<p>"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian.</p> +<p>"Yes, <i>sir</i>," said the guide.</p> +<p>"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get +him to swallow?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">When by night the frogs are croaking,</p> +<p class="i2">Kindle but a torch's fire;</p> +<p class="i2">Ha! how soon they all are silent;</p> +<p class="i2">Thus Truth silences the liar.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Friedrich von Logan</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Epitaphs; Husbands; Politicians; Real estate +agents; Regrets.</p> +<a name="H393" id="H393"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LIBERTY</h3> +<p>Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to +be slaves of the things we do like.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty</p> +<p class="i2">Is worth a whole eternity in bondage.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Addison</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Where liberty dwells, there is my country.—<i>Benjamin +Franklin</i>.</p> +<a name="H394" id="H394"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LIBRARIANS</h3> +<p>A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The +Public Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for +the annual cleaning and vacation of the librarians."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the +statement that the requests for books with queer titles are filled +with ones really wanted. The following are instances:</p> +<table summary="AS ASKED FOR-CORRECT TITLE" align="center" width= +"80%"> +<tr> +<td>AS ASKED FOR</td> +<td>CORRECT TITLE</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Indecent Orders</td> +<td class="caption">In Deacon's Orders</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">She Combeth Not Her Head</td> +<td class="caption">She Cometh Not, She Said</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Trial of a Servant</td> +<td class="caption">Trail of the Serpent</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Essays of a Liar</td> +<td class="caption">Essays of Elia</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Soap and Tables</td> +<td class="caption">Æsop's Fables</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Pocketbook's Hill</td> +<td class="caption">Puck of Pook's Hill</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Dentist's Infirmary</td> +<td class="caption">Dante's Inferno</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="caption">Holy Smoke</td> +<td class="caption">Divine Fire</td> +</tr> +</table> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One librarian has the following entries in a card catalog:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Lead Poisoning</p> +<p class="i2">Do, Kindly Light.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He +says: "To my way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear +head, a strong hand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be +greatest among librarians; and when I look into the future, I am +inclined to think that most of the men who will achieve this +greatness will be women."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their +catalogs. Here are two:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><i>An Ideal Husband</i>:</p> +<p class="i4">Essentially a work of fiction,</p> +<p class="i4">and presumably written by a</p> +<p class="i4">woman (unmarried).</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><i>Aspects of Home Rule</i>:</p> +<p class="i4">Political, not domestic.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a branch library a reader asked for <i>The Girl He +Married</i> (by James Grant.) This happened to be out, and the +assistant was requested to select a similar book. Presumably he was +a benedict, for he returned triumphantly with <i>His Better +Half</i> (by George Griffith).</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Have you <i>A Joy Forever</i>?" inquired a lady borrower.</p> +<p>"No," replied the assistant librarian after referring to the +stock. "Dear me, how tiresome," said the lady; "have you Praed?" +"Yes, madam, but it isn't any good," was the prompt reply.</p> +<a name="H395" id="H395"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LIFE</h3> +<p>Life's an aquatic meet—some swim, some dive, some back +water, some float and the rest—sink.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I count life just a stuff</p> +<p class="i2">To try the soul's strength on.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Robert Browning</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">May you live as long as you like,</p> +<p class="i2">And have what you like as long as you live.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Live, while you live," the epicure would say,</p> +<p class="i2">"And seize the pleasures of the present day;"</p> +<p class="i2">"Live, while you live," the sacred Preacher +cries,</p> +<p class="i2">"And give to God each moment as it flies."</p> +<p class="i2">"Lord, in my views let both united be;</p> +<p class="i2">I live in <i>pleasure</i>, when I live to +<i>Thee</i>."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Philip Doddridge</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">This world that we're a-livin' in</p> +<p class="i4">Is mighty hard to beat,</p> +<p class="i2">For you get a thorn with every rose—</p> +<p class="i4">But ain't the roses sweet!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the +stuff life is made of.—<i>Benjamin Franklin</i>.</p> +<a name="H396" id="H396"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LISPING</h3> +<p>"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who +noticed an unusual lisp.</p> +<p>"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I +talk."</p> +<a name="H397" id="H397"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LOST AND FOUND</h3> +<p>"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, +"but I kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles +advertised 'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What were you in for?" asked the friend.</p> +<p>"I found a horse."</p> +<p>"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a +horse."</p> +<p>"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no +longer—it has been found."—<i>Brooklyn Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost +a cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely +certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he +posted this notice:</p> +<p>"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply +appreciate its immediate return."</p> +<p>That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was +posted, what were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that +appended thereto were these lines:</p> +<p>"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor +if the owner would kindly lose the other link."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>CHINAMAN—"You tellee me where railroad depot?"</p> +<p>CITIZEN—"What's the matter, John? Lost?"</p> +<p>CHINAMAN—"No! me here. Depot lost."</p> +<a name="H398" id="H398"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LOVE</h3> +<p>Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's +board-bill for life.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MR. SLIMPURSE—"But why do you insist that our daughter +should marry a man whom she does not like? You married for love, +didn't you?"</p> +<p>MRS. SLIMPURSE—"Yes; but that is no reason why I should +let our daughter make the same blunder."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MAUDE—"Jack is telling around that you are worth your +weight in gold."</p> +<p>ETHEL—"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"</p> +<p>MAUDE—"His creditors."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>RICH MAN—"Would you love my daughter just as much if she +had no money?"</p> +<p>SUITOR—"Why, certainly!"</p> +<p>RICH MAN—"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in +this family."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">'Tis better to have lived and loved</p> +<p class="i2">Than never to have lived at all.</p> +<p class="i2">—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no +insurance.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to those that I love;</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to those who love me;</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to those who love those that I love.</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to those who love those who love me.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is +better than not to be able to love at +all.—<i>Thackeray</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Mysterious love, uncertain treasure,</p> +<p class="i2">Hast thou more of pain or pleasure!</p> +<p class="i10">* * * * * * * * *</p> +<p class="i2">Endless torments dwell about thee:</p> +<p class="i2">Yet who would live, and live without thee!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Addison</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">O, love, love, love!</p> +<p class="i4">Love is like a dizziness;</p> +<p class="i2">It winna let a poor body</p> +<p class="i6">Gang about his biziness!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Hogg</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in +love.—<i>Ovid</i>.</p> +<a name="H399" id="H399"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LOYALTY</h3> +<p>Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the +other morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock +that evening, got into his auto and started for town.</p> +<p>At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began +to get nervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear +the suspense no longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off +to the telegraph office with six telegrams to as many brother Elks +living in town, asking each if her husband was stopping with him +overnight.</p> +<p>Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence +of the missing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a +farmer and the derelict husband drove up to the house, while behind +the wagon trailed the broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came +a messenger boy with an answer to one of the telegrams, followed at +intervals by five others. All of them read:</p> +<p>"Yes, John is spending the night with me."—<i>Bush +Phillips</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>BOY—"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father +more'n half an hour."</p> +<p>POLICEMAN—"Why didn't you tell me before?"</p> +<p>BOY—"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few +minutes ago."</p> +<a name="H400" id="H400"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>LUCK</h3> +<p>Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to +meet it.—<i>Douglas Jerrold</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">O, once in each man's life, at least,</p> +<p class="i4">Good luck knocks at his door;</p> +<p class="i2">And wit to seize the flitting guest</p> +<p class="i4">Need never hunger more.</p> +<p class="i2">But while the loitering idler waits</p> +<p class="i4">Good luck beside his fire,</p> +<p class="i2">The bold heart storms at fortunes gates,</p> +<p class="i4">And conquers its desire.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Lewis J. Bates</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Tommy," said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How +can you eat so much?"</p> +<p>"Don't know; it's just good luck," replied the youngster.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was +having as bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining +soup.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Windfalls.</p> +<a name="H401" id="H401"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MAINE</h3> +<p>The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the +pupils what the people of different states were called.</p> +<p>"Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; +the people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from +Michigan we know as 'Michiganders.' Now, what little boy or girl +can tell me what the people of Maine are called?"</p> +<p>"I know," said a little girl.</p> +<p>"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor.</p> +<p>"Maniacs."</p> +<a name="H402" id="H402"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MAKING GOOD</h3> +<p>"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired +Rufus.</p> +<p>"Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz +playin' wif him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, +an' on blue to see him turn blue, an' on green to see him turn +green, an' so on. Den de fool gal, not satisfied wif lettin' well +enough alone, went an' put him on a plaid, an' de poor little thing +went an' bust himself tryin' to make good."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Success.</p> +<a name="H403" id="H403"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MALARIA</h3> +<p>The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and +proceeded to ask the usual questions.</p> +<p>"It—er—seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate +with scientific interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills +appear on alternate days. Do you think—is it your +opinion—that they have, so to speak, decreased in violence, +if I may use that word?"</p> +<p>The patient smiled feebly. "Doc," said he, "on fever days my +head's so hot I can't think, and on ague days I shake so I can't +hold an opinion."</p> +<a name="H404" id="H404"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MARKS(WO)MANSHIP</h3> +<p>An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in +New Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in +attempting to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came +in the shape of his wife.</p> +<p>When the woman came up, the dog had fastened his teeth in the +calf of her husband's leg and was holding on for dear life. Seizing +a stone in the road, the Irishman's wife was about to hurl it, when +the husband, with wonderful presence of mind, shouted:</p> +<p>"Mary! Mary! Don't throw the stone at the dog! throw it at +me!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Mary had a little lamb,</p> +<p class="i4">It's fleece was gone in spots,</p> +<p class="i2">For Mary fired her father's gun,</p> +<p class="i4">And lamby caught the shots!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Columbia Jester</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H405" id="H405"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MARRIAGE</h3> +<p>MRS. QUACKENNESS—"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah +Sagg?"</p> +<p>MRS. SAGG—"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a +husband dat's skeered to death of her!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long +delirium of fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had +supplied. "Where am I—in heaven?"</p> +<p>"No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Archbishop Ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district +one day for the purpose of administering confirmation, and asked +one nervous little girl what matrimony is.</p> +<p>"It is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are +compelled to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and +better world," she said.</p> +<p>"No, no," remonstrated her rector; "that isn't matrimony: that's +the definition of purgatory."</p> +<p>"Leave her alone," said the Archbishop; "maybe she is right. +What do you and I know about it?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Was Helen's marriage a success?"</p> +<p>"Goodness, yes. Why, she is going to marry a nobleman on the +alimony."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>JENNIE—"What makes George such a pessimist?"</p> +<p>JACK—"Well, he's been married three times—once for +love, once for money and the last time for a home."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Matrimony is the root of all evil.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One day Mary, the charwoman, reported for service with a black +eye.</p> +<p>"Why, Mary," said her sympathetic mistress, "what a bad eye you +have!"</p> +<p>"Yes'm."</p> +<p>"Well, there's one consolation. It might have been worse."</p> +<p>"Yes'm."</p> +<p>"You might have had both of them hurt."</p> +<p>"Yes'm. Or worse'n that: I might not ha' been married at +all."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A wife placed upon her husband's tombstone: "He had been married +forty years and was prepared to die."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I can take a hundred words a minute," said the +stenographer.</p> +<p>"I often take more than that," said the prospective employer; +"but then I have to, I'm married."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk +one Saturday evening when a good Samaritan intervened.</p> +<p>"See here, my man," he protested, "this sort of thing won't +do."</p> +<p>"What business is it of yours, I'd like to know," snarled the +man, turning from his wife.</p> +<p>"It's only my business in so far as I can be of help in settling +this dispute," answered the Samaritan mildly.</p> +<p>"This ain't no dispute," growled the man.</p> +<p>"No dispute! But, my dear friend—"</p> +<p>"I tell you it ain't no dispute," insisted the man. +"She"—jerking his thumb toward the woman—"thinks she +ain't goin to get my week's wages, and I know darn well she ain't. +Where's the dispute in that?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>HIS BETTER HALF—"I think it's time we got Lizzie married +and settled down, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week you +know."</p> +<p>HER LESSER HALF—"Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait +till the right sort of man comes along."</p> +<p>HIS BETTER HALF—"But why wait? I didn't!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape +around his hat.</p> +<p>"Why, Mike!" exclaimed his wife. "What are ye wearin' thot +mournful thing for?"</p> +<p>"I'm wearin' it for yer first husband," replied Mike firmly. +"I'm sorry he's dead."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has," +gurgled the maiden of forty. "It seems to possess all the elements +of happiness and sorrow, each struggling for supremacy."</p> +<p>"Yes, he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know +it," growled the Cynical Bachelor.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a Kaslo B.C., +man one day approached her lord concerning the matter of one +hundred dollars or so.</p> +<p>"I'd like to let you have it, my dear," began the husband, "but +the fact is I haven't that amount in the bank this +morning—that is to say, I haven't that amount to spare, +inasmuch as I must take up a note for two hundred dollars this +afternoon."</p> +<p>"Oh, very well, James!" said the wife, with an ominous calmness, +"If you think the man who holds the note can make things any hotter +for you than I can—why, do as you say, James!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young lady entered a book store and inquired of the +gentlemanly clerk—a married man, by-the-way—if he had a +book suitable for an old gentleman who had been married fifty +years.</p> +<p>Without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of +Parkman's "A Half Century of Conflict."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be +head of the house—the man or the woman.</p> +<p>"I am the head of my establishment," said Jones. "I am the +bread-winner. Why shouldn't I be?"</p> +<p>"Well," replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we +made an agreement that I should make the rulings in all major +things, my wife in all the minor."</p> +<p>"How has it worked?" queried Jones.</p> +<p>Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come +up."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to +her little daughter:</p> +<p>"Minnie, what do you mean by shouting and screaming? Play +quietly, like Tommy. See, he doesn't make a sound."</p> +<p>"Of course he doesn't," said the little girl. "That is our game. +He is papa coming home late, and I am you."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The stranger advanced toward the door. Mrs. O'Toole stood in the +doorway with a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her +brow.</p> +<p>"Good morning," said the stranger politely. "I'm looking for Mr. +O'Toole."</p> +<p>"So'm I," said Mrs. O'Toole, shifting her club over to her other +hand.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TIM—"Sarer Smith (you know 'er—Bill's missus), she +throwed herself horf the end uv the wharf larst night."</p> +<p>TOM—"Poor Sarer!"</p> +<p>TIM—"An' a cop fished 'er out again."</p> +<p>TOM—"Poor Bill!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on +forever.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Well, old man, how did you get along after I left you at +midnight. Get home all right?"</p> +<p>"No; a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station, where +I spent the rest of the night."</p> +<p>"Lucky dog! I reached home."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>STRANGER—"What's the fight about?"</p> +<p>NATIVE—"The feller on top is Hank Hill wot married the +widder Strong, an' th' other's Joel Jenks, wot interdooced him to +her."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and +cruelly misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the +prisoner, the justice turned to the first witness.</p> +<p>"Madam," he said, "if this man were your husband and had given +you a beating, would you call in the police?"</p> +<p>The woman addressed, a veritable Amazon in size and +aggressiveness, turned a smiling countenance towards the justice +and answered: "No, jedge. If he was mah husban', and he treated me +lak he did 'is wife, Ah wouldn't call no p'liceman. No, sah, Ah'd +call de undertaker."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently +fined his wife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court, but we +would hate to have been in the judge's shoes when he got home that +night.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker.</p> +<p>The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his +head, thought it over a moment, and then replied:</p> +<p>"Five—four living and one married."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SHE—"How did they ever come to marry?"</p> +<p>HE—"Oh, it's the same old story. Started out to be good +friends, you know, and later on changed their +minds."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Nat Goodwin and a friend were walking along Fifth Avenue one +afternoon when they stopped to look into a florist's window, in +which there was an artistic arrangement of exquisite roses.</p> +<p>"What wonderful American Beauties those are, Nat!" said the +friend delightedly.</p> +<p>"They are, indeed," replied Nat.</p> +<p>"You see, I am very fond of that flower," continued the friend. +"In fact, I might say it is my favorite. You know, Nat, I married +an American beauty."</p> +<p>"Well," said Nat dryly, "you haven't got anything on me. I +married a cluster."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last +month?"</p> +<p>"Of course! What's the matter?"</p> +<p>"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've +lived a dog's life ever since."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the +beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to +get out, and such as are out wish to get +in.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>HOUSEHOLDER—"Here, drop that coat and clear out!"</p> +<p>BURGLAR—"You be quiet, or I'll wake your wife and give her +this letter I found in your pocket."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young +ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making +cages.—<i>Swift</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Church discipline; Domestic finance; +Trouble.</p> +<a name="H406" id="H406"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MARRIAGE FEES</h3> +<p>A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with +a demand for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the +consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but +destitute of financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No +money, no marriage."</p> +<p>"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go +and get the money."</p> +<p>It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of +raising a marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval +she returned with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed +to the satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the +newly-made wife seemed a little uneasy.</p> +<p>"Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the father.</p> +<p>"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage +could not be spoiled now."</p> +<p>"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."</p> +<p>"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the +marriage?"</p> +<p>"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to +do with your marriage."</p> +<p>"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your +riverence. There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the +lobby and pawned it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MANDY—"What foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so +reg'lar? Are yo' corresponding wif some other female?"</p> +<p>RASTUS—"Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers +'bout dese 'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly +git a lettah from dat ministah what married +us."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The knot was tied; the pair were wed,</p> +<p class="i2">And then the smiling bridegroom said</p> +<p class="i2">Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay</p> +<p class="i2">To you the usual fee today.</p> +<p class="i2">Or would you have me wait a year</p> +<p class="i2">And give you then a hundred clear,</p> +<p class="i2">If I should find the marriage state</p> +<p class="i2">As happy as I estimate?"</p> +<p class="i2">The preacher lost no time in thought,</p> +<p class="i2">To his reply no study brought,</p> +<p class="i2">There were no wrinkles on his brow:</p> +<p class="i2">Said he, "I'll take three dollars now."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H407" id="H407"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MATHEMATICS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Arithmetic.</p> +<a name="H408" id="H408"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MATRIMONY</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Marriage.</p> +<a name="H409" id="H409"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MEASURING INSTRUMENTS</h3> +<p>"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting +a short and stout friend on Washington Street.</p> +<p>"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other.</p> +<p>"Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to +Brother Smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets. +Dey haven't got no yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall. +So to oblige Brother Smith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up +all over deir house."</p> +<a name="H410" id="H410"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS</h3> +<p>PASSER-BY—"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"</p> +<p>THE BOY—"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us +an' one of the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's +out of a perfect kid."</p> +<a name="H411" id="H411"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MEDICINE</h3> +<p>The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country +doctor came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him +something to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, +reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal some powders. +The mule switched his tail, tossed his head and started on a mad +gallop down the road. The farmer looked first at the flying animal +and then at the doctor.</p> +<p>"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.</p> +<p>"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.</p> +<p>"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. +"I've got to catch that mule."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I hope you are following my instructions carefully, +Sandy—the pills three times a day and a drop of whisky at +bedtime."</p> +<p>"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm +about six weeks in front wi' the whusky."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon +an innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing +in a western newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted—a gentleman to +undertake the sale of a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees +it will be profitable to the undertaker."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I firmly believe that if the whole <i>materia medico</i> could +be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for +mankind and all the worse for the fishes.—<i>O.W. +Holmes</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man's own observation, what he finds good of, and what he +finds hurt of, is the best physic to preserve +health.—<i>Bacon</i>.</p> +<a name="H412" id="H412"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MEEKNESS</h3> +<p>One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing +bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange +man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some +mysterious business over the library table, upon which were spread +several sheets of paper.</p> +<p>"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded +the wife.</p> +<p>"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.</p> +<p>"A wish?"</p> +<p>"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a +will."</p> +<a name="H413" id="H413"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MEMORIALS</h3> +<p>Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of +their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral +tributes. Said the cook:</p> +<p>"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no +flowers on my grave. Jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' +when she gits ripe, you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes' +bus' it on de grave, an' let de good old juice dribble down thro' +de ground!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"That's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there, Mr. +Binkston," said the visitor.</p> +<p>"Yes," replied Mr. Binkston, proudly. "That is a memorial to my +wife."</p> +<p>"Why—I was not aware that Mrs. Binkston had passed away," +said the visitor sympathetically.</p> +<p>"Oh no, indeed, she hasn't," smiled Mr. Binkston. "She is +serving her thirtieth sojourn in jail. That mantelpiece is built of +the bricks she was convicted of throwing."</p> +<a name="H414" id="H414"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MEMORY</h3> +<p>"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man +seated on a drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell +me that you remember seeing George Washington—am I +mistaken?"</p> +<p>"No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I +done fo'got sence I jined de chu'ch."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was +surprised to see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave +no checks in return.</p> +<p>"He has a most wonderful memory," a fellow diner explained. +"He's been doing that for years and prides himself upon never +having made a mistake."</p> +<p>As the college president was leaving, the darky passed him his +hat.</p> +<p>"How do you know that this one is mine?"</p> +<p>"I don't know it, suh," admitted the darky.</p> +<p>"Then why do you give it to me?"</p> +<p>"'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Tommy," said his mother reprovingly, "what did I say I'd do to +you if I ever caught you stealing jam again?"</p> +<p>Tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky +fingers.</p> +<p>"Why, that's funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged +if I can remember." Smith is a young New York lawyer, clever in +many ways, but very forgetful. He was recently sent to St. Louis to +interview an important client in regard to a case then pending in +the Missouri courts. Later the head of his firm received this +telegram from St. Louis:</p> +<p>"Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once."</p> +<p>This was the reply sent from New York:</p> +<p>"Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">When time who steals our years away</p> +<p class="i4">Shall steal our pleasures too,</p> +<p class="i2">The mem'ry of the past will stay</p> +<p class="i4">And half our joys renew.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Moore</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The heart hath its own memory, like the mind,</p> +<p class="i4">And in it are enshrined</p> +<p class="i2">The precious keepsakes, into which is wrought</p> +<p class="i4">The giver's loving thought.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H415" id="H415"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MEN</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the men! God bless them!</p> +<p class="i4">Worst of me sins, I confess them!</p> +<p class="i2">In loving them all; be they great or small,</p> +<p class="i4">So here's to the boys! God bless them!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">May all single men be married,</p> +<p class="i4">And all married men be happy.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is your ideal man?"</p> +<p>"One who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to +spend it!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not +made them well, they imitated humanity so +abominably.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Men are four:</p> +<p class="i2">He who knows and knows not that he knows,—</p> +<p class="i4">He is asleep—wake him;</p> +<p class="i2">He who knows not and knows not that he knows +not,—</p> +<p class="i4">He is a fool—shun him;</p> +<p class="i2">He who knows not and knows that he knows +not,—</p> +<p class="i4">He is a child—teach him;</p> +<p class="i2">He who knows and knows that He knows,—</p> +<p class="i4">He is a king—follow him.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Dogs; Husbands.</p> +<a name="H416" id="H416"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MESSAGES</h3> +<p>"Have you the rent ready?"</p> +<p>"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for +you."</p> +<p>"Did she tell you she'd forgotten?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sir."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, +who, while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would +acquaint his wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the +telegraph office and sent this message: "Dear Pat, I am saved. +Break it gently to my wife."</p> +<a name="H417" id="H417"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>METAPHOR</h3> +<p>It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had +closed the woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who +burst out:</p> +<p>"It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the +teeth of the advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal +rights."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A water consumer in Los Angeles, California, whose supply had +been turned off because he wouldn't pay, wrote to the department as +follows:</p> +<p>"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your +company is fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian +bureaucracy, running in a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform. +There is no use of your trying to impugn the verity of this +indictment by shaking your official heads in the teeth of your own +deeds.</p> +<p>"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread +conflagration of the populace will be so imminent that it will +require only a spark to let loose the dogs of war in our midst. +Will you persist in hurling the corner stone of our personal +liberty to your wolfish hounds of collectors, thirsting for its +blood? If you persist, the first thing you know you will have the +chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling along in our midst +and gnashing its teeth as it rolls.</p> +<p>"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to +our doors with unblushing footsteps, with cloaks of hypocritical +compunction in their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons, +this policy will result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays +the golden egg, until you have pumped it dry—and then +farewell, a long farewell, to our vaunted prosperity."</p> +<a name="H418" id="H418"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MICE</h3> +<p>"What's the matter with Briggs?"</p> +<p>"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across +the floor."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H419" id="H419"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MIDDLE CLASSES</h3> +<p>WILLIE—"Paw, what is the middle class?"</p> +<p>PAW—"The middle class consists of people who are not poor +enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate +anything."</p> +<a name="H420" id="H420"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MILITANTS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Suffragettes.</p> +<a name="H421" id="H421"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MILITARY DISCIPLINE</h3> +<p>Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at +all, and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in +the troop.</p> +<p>"Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount +without orders."</p> +<p>Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the +ground.</p> +<p>"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying +breathless on the ground, "you dismounted!"</p> +<p>"I did."</p> +<p>"Did you have orders?"</p> +<p>"I did."</p> +<p>"From headquarters, I suppose?"</p> +<p>"No, sor; from hintquarters."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How dare you come on parade," exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a +recruit, "before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head +to foot in graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now—answer me when +I spake to yez!"</p> +<p>The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when +the sergeant stopped him.</p> +<p>"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried. +"Hould yer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me +now, what have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills? +Not a word, or I'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez +anything an' yez spakes I'll have yez tried for insolence to yer +superior officer, but if yez don't answer when I questions yez, +I'll have yez punished for disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I +have yez both ways!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we +advance.—<i>Channing</i>.</p> +<a name="H422" id="H422"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MILLINERS</h3> +<p>Recipe for a milliner:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To a presence that's much more than queenly,</p> +<p class="i4">Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere;</p> +<p class="i2">You feel like a worm in her sight when she says,</p> +<p class="i4">"Only $300, my dear!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H423" id="H423"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MILLIONAIRES</h3> +<p>Recipe for a multi-millionaire:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Take a boy with bare feet as a starter</p> +<p class="i2">Add thrift and sobriety, mixed—</p> +<p class="i2">Flavor with quarts of religion,</p> +<p class="i4">And see that the tariff is fixed.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)—"Be off with you this +minute!"</p> +<p>BEGGAR—"Look 'ere, mister; the only difference between you +and me is that you are makin' your second million, while I am still +workin' at my first."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Now that you have made $50,000,000, I suppose you are going to +keep right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred +millions?"</p> +<p>"No, sir. You do me an injustice. I'm going to put in the rest +of my time trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory +condition."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"When I was a young man," said Mr. Cumrox, "I thought nothing of +working twelve or fourteen hours a day."</p> +<p>"Father," replied the young man with sporty clothes, "I wish you +wouldn't mention it. Those non-union sentiments are liable to make +you unpopular."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>No good man ever became suddenly rich.—<i>Syrus</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And all to leave what with his toil he won,</p> +<p class="i2">To that unfeather'd two-legged thing, a son.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Dryden</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Capitalists.</p> +<a name="H424" id="H424"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MINORITIES</h3> +<p>Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of +his plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience:</p> +<p>"What do you think of it?"</p> +<p>This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man +in the pit assembled his scattered wits and cried:</p> +<p>"Rotten!"</p> +<p>Shaw made a curtsey and melted the house with one of his Irish +smiles.</p> +<p>"My friend," he said, shrugging his shoulders and indicating the +crowd in front, "I quite agree with you, but what are we two +against so many?"</p> +<a name="H425" id="H425"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MISERS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old man of Nantucket</p> +<p class="i2">Who kept all his cash in a bucket;</p> +<p class="i4">But his daughter, named Nan,</p> +<p class="i4">Ran away with a man—</p> +<p class="i2">And as for the bucket, Nantucket.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die +rich.—<i>Robert Burton</i>.</p> +<a name="H426" id="H426"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MISSIONARIES</h3> +<p>SHE—"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched +cannibals!"</p> +<p>HE—"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste +in religion!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a +large city church a discussion arose among the members present as +to the race of people that inhabited a far-away land. Some insisted +that they were not a man-eating people; others that they were known +to be cannibals. However, the question was finally decided by a +minister's widow, who said:</p> +<p>"I beg pardon for interrupting, Mrs. Chairman, but I can assure +you that they are cannibals. My husband was a missionary there and +they ate him."</p> +<a name="H427" id="H427"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MISSIONS</h3> +<p>"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, +as she entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was +stuffing broken toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general +debris into an open box.</p> +<p>"Why, mother," cried Hilda, "can't you see? I'm packing a +missionary box just the way the ladies do; and it's all right," she +added reassuringly, "I haven't put in a single thing that's any +good at all!"</p> +<a name="H428" id="H428"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MISTAKEN IDENTITY</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young fellow named Paul,</p> +<p class="i2">Who went to a fancy dress ball;</p> +<p class="i4">They say, just for fun</p> +<p class="i4">He dressed up like a bun,</p> +<p class="i2">And was "et" by a dog in the hall.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, +entered a bric-a-brac shop, in search of something odd to take home +to Scotland with her. After she had inspected several articles, but +had found none to suit her, she noticed a quaint figure, the head +and shoulders of which appeared above the counter.</p> +<p>"What is that Japanese idol over there worth?" she inquired of +the salesman.</p> +<p>The salesman's reply was given in a subdued tone:</p> +<p>"About half a million, madam. That's the proprietor!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The late James McNeil Whistler was standing bareheaded in a hat +shop, the clerk having taken his hat to another part of the shop +for comparison. A man rushed in with his hat in his hand, and, +supposing Whistler to be a clerk angrily confronted him.</p> +<p>"See here," he said, "this hat doesn't fit."</p> +<p>Whistler eyed the stranger critically from head to foot, and +then drawled out:</p> +<p>"Well, neither does your coat. What's more, if you'll pardon my +saying so, I'll be hanged if I care much for the color of your +trousers."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the passengers +lounged on the deck and waited for the start. At length one of them +espied a cyclist in the far distance, and it soon became evident +that he was doing his level best to catch the boat.</p> +<p>Already the sailors' hands were on the gangways, and the +cyclist's chance looked small indeed. Then a sportive passenger +wagered a sovereign to a shilling that he would miss it. The offer +was taken, and at once the deck became a scene of wild +excitement.</p> +<p>"He'll miss it."</p> +<p>"No; he'll just do it."</p> +<p>"Come on!"</p> +<p>"He won't do it."</p> +<p>"Yes, he will. He's done it. Hurrah!"</p> +<p>In the very nick of time the cyclist arrived, sprang off his +machine, and ran up the one gangway left.</p> +<p>"Cast off!" he cried.</p> +<p>It was the captain.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Much to the curious little girl's disgust, her elder sister and +her girl friends had quickly closed the door of the back parlor, +before she could wedge her small self in among them.</p> +<p>She waited uneasily for a little while, then she knocked. No +response. She knocked again. Still no attention. Her curiosity +could be controlled no longer. "Dodo!" she called in staccato tones +as she knocked once again. "'Tain't me! It's Mamma!"</p> +<a name="H429" id="H429"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MOLLYCODDLES</h3> +<p>"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's +mother, who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a +new boy on the block. "I thought you were such good chums."</p> +<p>"We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a mollycoddle. +He paid t' git into the ball-grounds."</p> +<a name="H430" id="H430"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MONEY</h3> +<p>In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks +for children.</p> +<p>One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and +withdrew 2 cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly +returned the money.</p> +<p>"So you didn't spend your 2 cents?" observed the worker in +charge.</p> +<p>"Oh, no," he replied, "but a fellow just likes to have a little +cash on hand over Sunday."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Domestic finance.</p> +<a name="H431" id="H431"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MORAL EDUCATION</h3> +<p>Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were +playing quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his +cheek. An interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had +hit the other who had done nothing.</p> +<p>"Well," replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson in +Sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn +the other and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie +knew his lesson."</p> +<a name="H432" id="H432"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MOSQUITOES</h3> +<p>Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in +Oklahoma City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he +made:</p> +<p>"A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern +colonel on a fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the South, and +the mosquitoes were so bothersome that he was unable to sleep, +while at the same time he could hear his friend snoring +audibly.</p> +<p>"The next morning he approached the old darky who was doing the +cooking.</p> +<p>"'Jim,' he said, 'how is it the colonel is able to sleep so +soundly with so many mosquitoes around?'</p> +<p>"'I'll tell yo', boss,' the darky replied, 'de fust part of de +night de kernel is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de skeeters, and +de last part of de night de skeeters is too full to pay any +'tenshum to de kernel.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Applause; New Jersey.</p> +<a name="H433" id="H433"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MOTHERS</h3> +<p>While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of +General Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses +driven before a plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never +seen. When his eyes had feasted on their beauty he cried to the +driver: "Hello good fellow! I must have those horses. They are just +such animals as I have been looking for."</p> +<p>The black man grinned, rolled up the whites of his eyes, put the +lash to the horses' flanks and turned up another furrow in the rich +soil.</p> +<p>The officer waited until he had finished the row; then throwing +back his cavalier cloak the ensign of the rank dazzled the slave's +eyes.</p> +<p>"Better see missus! Better see missus!" he cried waving his hand +to the south, where above the cedar growth rose the towers of a +fine old Virginia mansion.</p> +<p>The officer turned up the carriage road and soon was rapping the +great brass knocker of the front door.</p> +<p>Quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave, +majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of +inquiry.</p> +<p>"Madam," said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her +dignity, "I have come to claim your horses in the name of the +Government."</p> +<p>"My horses?" said she, bending upon him a pair of eyes born to +command. "Sir, you cannot have them. My crops are out and I need my +horses in the field."</p> +<p>"I am sorry," said the officer, "but I must have them, madam. +Such are the orders of my chief."</p> +<p>"Your chief? Who is your chief, pray?" she demanded with +restrained warmth.</p> +<p>"The commander of the American army, General George Washington," +replied the other, squaring his shoulders and swelling his +pride.</p> +<p>A smile of triumph softened the sternness of the woman's +features. "You go and tell General George Washington for me," said +she, "that his mother says he cannot have her horses."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The wagons of "the greatest show on earth" passed up the avenue +at daybreak. Their incessant rumbling soon awakened ten-year-old +Billie and five-year-old brother Robert. Their mother feigned sleep +as the two white-robed figures crept past her bed into the hall, on +the way to investigate. Robert struggled manfully with the +unaccustomed task of putting on his clothes. "Wait for me, Billie," +his mother heard him beg. "You'll get ahead of me."</p> +<p>"Get mother to help you," counseled Billie, who was having +troubles of his own.</p> +<p>Mother started to the rescue, and then paused as she heard the +voice of her younger, guarded but anxious and insistent.</p> +<p>"<i>You</i> ask her, Billie. You've known her longer than I +have."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little girl, being punished by her mother flew, white with +rage, to her desk, wrote on a piece of paper, and then going out in +the yard she dug a hole in the ground, put the paper in it and +covered it over. The mother, being interested in her child's +doings, went out after the little girl had gone away, dug up the +paper and read:</p> +<blockquote> +<p><i>Dear Devil</i>:<br /> +Please come and take my mamma away.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One morning a little girl hung about the kitchen bothering the +busy cook to death. The cook lost patience finally. "Clear out o' +here, ye sassy little brat!" she shouted, thumping the table with a +rolling-pin.</p> +<p>The little girl gave the cook a haughty look. "I never allow any +one but my mother to speak to me like that," she said.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The public-spirited lady met the little boy on the street. +Something about his appearance halted her. She stared at him in her +near-sighted way.</p> +<p>THE LADY—"Little boy, haven't you any home?"</p> +<p>THE LITTLE BOY—"Oh, yes'm; I've got a home."</p> +<p>THE LADY—"And loving parents?"</p> +<p>THE LITTLE BOY—"Yes'm."</p> +<p>THE LADY—"I'm afraid you do not know what love really is. +Do your parents look after your moral welfare?"</p> +<p>THE LITTLE BOY—"Yes'm."</p> +<p>THE LADY—"Are they bringing you up to be a good and +helpful citizen?"</p> +<p>THE LITTLE BOY—"Yes'm."</p> +<p>THE LADY—"Will you ask your mother to come and hear me +talk on 'When Does a Mother's Duty to Her Child Begin?' next +Saturday afternoon, at three o'clock, at Lyceum Hall?"</p> +<p>THE LITTLE BOY (explosively)—"What's th' matter with you +ma! Don't you know me? I'm your little boy!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the happiest hours of my life—</p> +<p class="i2">Spent in the arms of another man's wife:</p> +<p class="i4">My mother!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10">Happy he</p> +<p class="i2">With such a mother! faith in womankind</p> +<p class="i2">Beats with his blood, and trust in all things +high</p> +<p class="i2">Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall,</p> +<p class="i2">He shall not blind his soul with clay.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Tennyson</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10">Women know</p> +<p class="i2">The way to rear up children (to be just);</p> +<p class="i2">They know a simple, merry, tender knack</p> +<p class="i2">Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes,</p> +<p class="i2">And stringing pretty words that make no sense,</p> +<p class="i2">And kissing full sense into empty words;</p> +<p class="i2">Which things are corals to cut life upon,</p> +<p class="i2">Although such trifles.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>E. B. Browning</i></p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H434" id="H434"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MOTHERS-IN-LAW</h3> +<p>Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man.</p> +<p>"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for +bigamy?"</p> +<p>Justice Brewer smiled and answered:</p> +<p>"Two mothers-in-law."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SHE—"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?"</p> +<p>HE—"By Jove! I hadn't thought of that."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>WAITER—"Have another glass, sir?"</p> +<p>HUSBAND (to his wife)—"Shall I have another glass, +Henrietta?"</p> +<p>WIFE (to her mother)—"Shall he have another, mother?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man: +"Send me $5,000 or I will abduct your mother-in-law."</p> +<p>To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds, +but your proposition interests me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had +died and asked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The +man replied, "All three, take no chances."</p> +<a name="H435" id="H435"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MOTORCYCLES</h3> +<p>The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one +community, and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one +go by without any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, +however, when a motorcycle followed closely in its wake and +disappeared like a flash around a bend in the road.</p> +<p>"Gee whiz!" he said, turning to his son, "who'd 'a' s'posed that +thing had a colt?"</p> +<a name="H436" id="H436"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MOUNTAINS</h3> +<p>Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of +having victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them +(at long range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of +mountains. It is said that the captain of a steamboat on Kootenay +Lake once heard a great splash in the water. Looking over the rail, +he spied the head of a man who was swimming toward his boat. He +hailed him. "Do you know," said the swimmer, "this is the third +time to-day that I've fallen off that bally old ranch of mine?"</p> +<a name="H437" id="H437"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MOVING PICTURES</h3> +<p>"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." +"Not exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to +be. This revolution is being financed by a moving-picture +concern."</p> +<a name="H438" id="H438"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MUCK-RAKING</h3> +<p>The way of the transgressor is well written up.</p> +<a name="H439" id="H439"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MULES</h3> +<p>Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious +principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty +equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known +all through the army as the Christian brigade, and he was very +proud of it.</p> +<p>There was one hardened old sinner in the brigade, however, whose +ears were deaf to all exhortation. General Howard was particularly +anxious to convert this man, and one day he went down in the +teamsters' part of the camp where the man was on duty. He talked +with him long and earnestly about religion and finally said:</p> +<p>"I want to see you converted. Won't you come to the mourners' +bench at the next service?"</p> +<p>The erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a moment and +then replied:</p> +<p>"General, I'm plumb willin' to be converted, but if I am, seein' +that everyone else has got religion, who in blue blazes is goin' to +drive the mules?"</p> +<a name="H440" id="H440"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT</h3> +<p>"What's the trouble in Plunkville?"</p> +<p>"We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission."</p> +<p>"Well?"</p> +<p>"Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to +some good magazine."</p> +<a name="H441" id="H441"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MUSEUMS</h3> +<p>It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who +took six of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but +their enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their +open-eyed wonder at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid her.</p> +<p>"Well, boys, where have you been all afternoon?" asked the +father of two of the party that evening.</p> +<p>The answer came back with joyous promptness: "Oh, pop! Teacher +took us to a dead circus."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two Marylanders, who were visiting the National Museum at +Washington, were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over +which hung a placard bearing the inscription. "B.C. 1187."</p> +<p>Both visitors were much mystified thereby. Said one:</p> +<p>"What do you make of that, Bill?"</p> +<p>"Well," said Bill, "I dunno; but maybe it was the number of the +motor-car that killed him."—<i>Edwin Tarrisse</i>.</p> +<a name="H442" id="H442"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MUSIC</h3> +<p>The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the +piano player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in +the lady who stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the +dots on her veil.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A thief broke into a Madison avenue mansion early the other +morning and found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps +approaching, he took refuge behind a screen.</p> +<p>From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing +lesson.</p> +<p>From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano +lesson.</p> +<p>From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin +lesson.</p> +<p>From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the +flute.</p> +<p>At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and +studied an ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and +flute.</p> +<p>The thief staggered out from behind the screen at +twelve-forty-five, and falling at their feet, cried:</p> +<p>"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A lady told Swinburne that she would render on the piano a very +ancient Florentine retornello which had just been discovered. She +then played "Three blind mice" and Swinburne was enchanted. He +found that it reflected to perfection the cruel beauty of the +Medicis—which, perhaps, it does.—<i>Edmund +Gosse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The accomplished and obliging pianist had rendered several +selections, when one of the admiring group of listeners in the +hotel parlor suggested Mozart's Twelfth Mass. Several people echoed +the request, but one lady was particularly desirous of hearing the +piece, explaining that her husband had belonged to that very +regiment.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Dinner was a little late. A guest asked the hostess to play +something. Seating herself at the piano, the good woman executed a +Chopin nocturne with precision. She finished, and there was still +an interval of waiting to be bridged. In the grim silence she +turned to an old gentleman on her right and said:</p> +<p>"Would you like a sonata before going in to dinner?"</p> +<p>He gave a start of surprise and pleasure as he responded +briskly:</p> +<p>"Why, yes, thanks! I had a couple on my way here, but I could +stand another."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Music is the universal language of +mankind.—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I even think that, sentimentally, I am disposed to harmony. But +organically I am incapable of a tune.—<i>Charles +Lamb</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There's music in the sighing of a reed;</p> +<p class="i2">There's music in the gushing of a rill;</p> +<p class="i2">There's music in all things, if men had ears:</p> +<p class="i2">Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H443" id="H443"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>MUSICIANS</h3> +<p>FATHER—"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' +next door to your house, as I suggested?"</p> +<p>BOY—"Yes, sir."</p> +<p>FATHER-"And what did he say?"</p> +<p>BOY—"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had +better give up playin' the pianner."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The "celebrated pianiste," Miss Sharpe, had concluded her +recital. As the resultant applause was terminating, Mrs. Rochester +observed Colonel Grayson wiping his eyes. The old gentleman noticed +her look, and, thinking it one of inquiry, began to explain the +cause of his sadness. "The girl's playing," he told the lady, +"reminded me so much of the playing of her father. He used to be a +chum of mine in the Army of the Potomac."</p> +<p>"Oh, indeed!" cooed Mrs. Rochester, with a conventional show of +interest. "I never knew her father was a piano-player."</p> +<p>"He wasn't," replied the Colonel. "He was a +drummer."—<i>G.T. Evans</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Recipe for an orchestra leader:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Four hundred and twenty-two movements—</p> +<p class="i4">Emanuel, Swedish and Swiss—</p> +<p class="i2">It's a wonder the hand can keep playing,</p> +<p class="i4">You'd think they'd die laughing at this!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10">'Tis God gives skill,</p> +<p class="i2">But not without men's hands: He could not make</p> +<p class="i2">Antonio Stradivari's violins</p> +<p class="i2">Without Antonio.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>George Eliot</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H444" id="H444"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NAMES, PERSONAL</h3> +<p>Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. +Zangwill. He was once approached at a reception by a fussy old +lady, who demanded, "Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian +name?"</p> +<p>"Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.—<i>John +Pearson</i>.</p> +<p>FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?"</p> +<p>MANAGER-"Yes. It took all our profits to pay for running the +electric light sign with his name on it."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A somewhat unpatriotic little son of Italy, twelve years old, +came to his teacher in the public school and asked if he could not +have his name changed.</p> +<p>"Why do you wish to change your name?" the teacher asked.</p> +<p>"I want to be an American. I live in America now. I no longer +want to be a Dago."</p> +<p>"What American name would you like to have?"</p> +<p>"I have it here," he said, handing the teacher a dirty scrap of +paper on which was written—Patrick Dennis McCarty.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we +were on such terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me +by my first name."</p> +<p>"Oh," she replied, "your second name is good enough for me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An American travelling in Europe engaged a courier. Arriving at +an inn in Austria, the man asked his servant to enter his name in +accordance with the police regulations of that country. Some time +after, the man asked the servant if he had complied with his +orders.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir," was the reply.</p> +<p>"How did you write my name?" asked the master.</p> +<p>"Well, sir, I can't pronounce it," answered the servant, "but I +copied it from your portmanteau, sir."</p> +<p>"Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the book." The register was +brought, and, instead of the plain American name of two syllables, +the following entry was revealed:</p> +<p class="center">"Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather."</p> +<p>—<i>M.A. Hitchcock</i>.</p> +<p>The story is told of Helen Hunt, the famous author of +"Ramona," that one morning after church service she found a purse +full of money and told her pastor about it.</p> +<p>"Very well," he said, "you keep it, and at the evening service I +will announce it," which he did in this wise:</p> +<p>"This morning there was found in this church a purse filled with +money. If the owner is present he or she can go to Helen Hunt for +it."</p> +<p>And the minister wondered why the congregation tittered!</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the +attention of the pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had +about given up, the girl, entirely unconscious of what had been +going on, happened to glance in his direction. The "masher" +immediately took fresh courage.</p> +<p>"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured.</p> +<p>The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say.</p> +<p>"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered.</p> +<p>"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the +car.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The comedian came on with affected diffidence.</p> +<p>"At our last stand," quoth he, "I noticed a man laughing while I +was doing my turn. Honest, now! My, how he laughed! He laughed +until he split. Till he split, mind you. Thinks I to myself, I'll +just find out about the man and so, when the show was over, I went +up to him.</p> +<p>"My friend," says I, "I've heard that there's nothing in a name, +but are you not one of the Wood family?"</p> +<p>"I am," says he, "and what's more, my grandfather was a +Pine!"</p> +<p>"No Wood, you know, splits any easier than a +Pine."—<i>Ramsey Benson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"But Eliza," said the mistress, "your little boy was christened +George Washington. Why do you call him Izaak Walton? Walton, you +know, was the famous fisherman."</p> +<p>"Yes'm," answered Eliza, "but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling +de troof made dat change imper'tive."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The mother of the girl baby, herself named Rachel, frankly told +her husband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most +of the eminent members of the family, and she would like to give +the little girl a name entirely different. Then she wrote on a slip +of paper "Eugénie," and asked her husband if he didn't think +that was a pretty name.</p> +<p>The father studied the name for a moment and then said: "Vell, +call her Yousheenie, but I don't see vat you gain by it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a great swell in Japan,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose name on a Tuesday began;</p> +<p class="i4">It lasted through Sunday</p> +<p class="i4">Till twilight on Monday,</p> +<p class="i2">And sounded like stones in a can.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>He was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small +town and hung his sign outside of his office door. It read: "A. +Swindler." A stranger who called to consult him saw the sign and +said: "My goodness, man, look at that sign! Don't you see how it +reads? Put in your first name—Alexander, Ambrose or whatever +it is."</p> +<p>"Oh, yes I know," said the lawyer resignedly, "but I don't +exactly like to do it."</p> +<p>"Why not?" asked the client. "It looks mighty bad as it is. What +is your first name?"</p> +<p>"Adam."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Who hath not own'd, with rapture-smitten frame,</p> +<p class="i2">The power of grace, the magic of a name.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Campbell</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H445" id="H445"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NATIVES</h3> +<p>FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)—"Seventh standard, is she? +Plays the planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet."</p> +<p>FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT—"I've no doubt that's meant to be +very funny, Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' your +ignorance; they ain't natives in France—they're as white as +wot we are."—<i>Sketch</i>.</p> +<a name="H446" id="H446"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NATURE LOVERS</h3> +<p>"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?"</p> +<p>"What for?"</p> +<p>"For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and +he hasn't heard a robin this summer."</p> +<a name="H447" id="H447"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NAVIGATION</h3> +<p>The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady +asked the Captain why he didn't go on.</p> +<p>"Can't see up the river, madam."</p> +<p>"But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars +overhead."</p> +<p>"Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until the boilers bust we +ain't goin' that way."</p> +<a name="H448" id="H448"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NEATNESS</h3> +<p>The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of +common remark, and husbands in that part of the country are +supposed to appreciate their advantages.</p> +<p>A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be +another side to the matter.</p> +<p>"Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?" asked the farmer, as +he made final preparations for the night.</p> +<p>"Yes, Josiah," she replied. "Why do you ask?"</p> +<p>"Well, I did want a drink, but I guess I can get along until +morning."</p> +<a name="H449" id="H449"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NEGROES</h3> +<p>A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o' +cou't-plaster."</p> +<p>"What color," he asked.</p> +<p>"Flesh cullah, suh."</p> +<p>Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster.</p> +<p>The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, +but her face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents +and said:</p> +<p>"I ast for flesh cullah, an' you done give me skin cullah." A +cart containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a +mule. The driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to +induce the mule to increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let +fly with its heels and dealt him such a kick on the head that he +was stretched on the ground in a twinkling. He lay rubbing his +woolly pate where the mule had kicked him.</p> +<p>"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who +had jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate +driver.</p> +<p>"No, Boss," was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably +walk kind o' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English +with a broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of +the Irish adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.</p> +<p>A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was +accosted by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' +mornin' to ye, an' would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, +sor?"</p> +<p>The Irishman stared at him in amazement.</p> +<p>"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked.</p> +<p>"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of +the time he had left his inland home.</p> +<p>"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? +Faith, I'll not land!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feet +bandaged.</p> +<p>"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you +hurt your feet, Dinah?"</p> +<p>"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid +wif a club while I was standin' on de hard stone pavement."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?"</p> +<p>"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage +cream!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Johnny," said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small +boy's face with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken +your face again? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it +won't come off."</p> +<p>"I—I—ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your +little boy. I—ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little +boy."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came +to her mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping.</p> +<p>"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going +to be married?" said the mistress.</p> +<p>"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money +in de house wid dat strange nigger?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. +George received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had +his eyes on a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing +out fast enough to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters +somewhat by rubbing grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the +spot, he called George and asked if he had noticed it. George said, +"Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed dat spot and tried mighty hard to get +it out, but I couldn't."</p> +<p>"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.</p> +<p>"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."</p> +<p>"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, +but dat spot wouldn't come out."</p> +<p>"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a +last resort.</p> +<p>"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll +fit."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some +razors, and after critically examining those submitted to him the +would-be purchaser was asked why he did not try a "safety," to +which he replied: "I ain' lookin' for that kind. I wants this for +social purposes."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was +standing erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the +services to begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to +the darkey: "De services are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine +in?"</p> +<p>"I'se would if I'se could, parson," answered the little negro, +"but yo' see I'se de crape."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Chicken stealing.</p> +<a name="H450" id="H450"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NEIGHBORS</h3> +<p>THE MAN AT THE DOOR—"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner."</p> +<p>THE WOMAN—"I didn't send for a piano-tuner."</p> +<p>THE MAN—"I know it, lady; the neighbors did."</p> +<a name="H451" id="H451"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NEW JERSEY</h3> +<p>"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and +mosquitoes swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner +who had been cast upon the Jersey sands.</p> +<p>"You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My +experience was worse than that of the man who wrote 'Water, water +everywhere, but not a drop to drink.' With me it was bites, bites +everywhere, but not a bite to eat."</p> +<a name="H452" id="H452"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NEW YORK CITY</h3> +<p>At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the +Bishop of New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and +possibilities of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like +all good Californians, is imbued with the conviction that it would +be hard to equal a place he knows of on the Pacific, and following +the Bishop of New York he gave a glowing picture of California, +concluding:</p> +<p>"Not only is it the best place on earth to live in, but it has +superior advantages, too, as a place to die in; for there we have +at our threshold the beautiful Golden Gate, while in New York they +only have—well, you know which gate it is over at New York!" +One night Dave Warfield was playing at David Belasco's new theatre, +supported by one of Mr. Belasco's new companies. The performance +ran with a smoothness of a Standard Oil lawyer explaining rebates +to a Federal court. A worthy person of the farming classes, sitting +in G 14, was plainly impressed. In an interval between the acts he +turned to the metropolitan who had the seat next him.</p> +<p>"Where do all them troopers come from?" he inquired.</p> +<p>"I don't think I understand," said the city-dweller.</p> +<p>"I mean them actors up yonder on the stage," explained the man +from afar. "Was they brought on specially for this show, or do they +live here?"</p> +<p>"I believe most of them live here in town," said the New +Yorker.</p> +<p>"Well, they do purty blamed well for home talent," said the +stranger.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A traveler in Tennessee came across an aged negro seated in +front of his cabin door basking in the sunshine.</p> +<p>"He could have walked right on the stage for an Uncle Tom part +without a line of makeup," says the traveler. "He must have been +eighty years of age."</p> +<p>"Good morning, uncle," says the stranger.</p> +<p>"Mornin', sah! Mornin'," said the aged one. Then he added, "Be +you the gentleman over yonder from New York?"</p> +<p>Being told that such was the case the old darky said; "Do you +mind telling me something that has been botherin' my old haid? I +have got a grandson—he runs on the Pullman cyars—and he +done tell me that up thar in New York you-all burn up youah folks +when they die. He is a poherful liar, and I don't believe him."</p> +<p>"Yes," replied the other, "that is the truth in some cases. We +call it cremation."</p> +<p>"Well, you suttenly surprise me," said the negro and then he +paused as if in deep reflection. Finally he said: "You-all know I +am a Baptist. I believe in the resurrection and the life +everlastin' and the coming of the Angel Gabriel and the blowin' of +that great horn, and Lawdy me, how am they evah goin' to find them +folks on that great mawnin'?"</p> +<p>It was too great a task for an offhand answer, and the +suggestion was made that the aged one consult his minister. Again +the negro fell into a brown study, and then he raised his head and +his eyes twinkled merrily, and he said in a soft voice:</p> +<p>"Meanin' no offense, sah, but from what Ah have heard about New +York I kinder calcerlate they is a lot of them New York people that +doan' wanter be found on that mornin'."</p> +<a name="H453" id="H453"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NEWS</h3> +<p>Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, +Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece +of newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught +there. Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he +cried, "Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all +the news out!"—<i>Sue M.M. Halsey</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Our whole neighborhood has been stirred up," said the regular +reader.</p> +<p>The editor of the country weekly seized his pen. "Tell me about +it," he said. "What we want is news. What stirred it up?"</p> +<p>"Plowing," said the farmer.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is nothing new except what is +forgotten.—<i>Mademoiselle Berlin</i>.</p> +<a name="H454" id="H454"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>NEWSPAPERS</h3> +<p>A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot +of newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you +tired, my boy?"</p> +<p>"Naw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>VOX POPULI—"Do you think you've boosted your circulation +by giving a year's subscription for the biggest potato raised in +the county?"</p> +<p>THE EDITOR—"Mebbe not; but I got four barrels of +samples."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>COLONEL HIGHFLYER—"What are your rates per column?"</p> +<p>EDITOR OF "SWELL SOCIETY"—"For insertion or +suppression?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>EDITOR—"You wish a position as a proofreader?"</p> +<p>APPLICANT—"Yes, sir."</p> +<p>"Do you understand the requirements of that responsible +position?"</p> +<p>"Perfectly, sir. Whenever you make any mistakes in the paper, +just blame 'em on me, and I'll never say a word."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A prominent Montana newspaper man was making the round of the +insane asylum of that state in an official capacity as an +inspector. One of the inmates mistook him for a recent arrival.</p> +<p>"What made you go crazy?"</p> +<p>"I was trying to make money out of the newspaper business," +replied the editor, to humor the demented one.</p> +<p>"Rats, you're not crazy; you're just a plain darn fool," was the +lunatic's comment.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Did you write this report on my lecture, 'The Curse of +Whiskey'?"</p> +<p>"Yes, madam."</p> +<p>"Then kindly explain what you mean by saying, 'The lecturer was +evidently full of her subject!'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We clip the following for the benefit of those who doubt the +power of the press:</p> +<p>"Owing to the overcrowded condition of our columns, a number of +births and deaths are unavoidably postponed this week."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Binks has sued us for libel," announced the assistant editor of +the sensational paper.</p> +<p>The managing editor's face brightened.</p> +<p>"Tell him," he said, "that if he will put up a strong fight +we'll cheerfully pay the damages and charge them up to the +advertising account."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Booth Tarkington says that in no state have the newspapers more +"journalistic enterprise" than in his native Indiana. While +stopping at a little Hoosier hotel in the course of a hunting trip +Mr. Tarkington lost one of his dogs.</p> +<p>"Have you a newspaper in town?" he asked of the landlord.</p> +<p>"Right across the way, there, back of the shoemaker's," the +landlord told him. "The <i>Daily News</i>—best little paper +of its size in the state."</p> +<p>The editor, the printer, and the printer's devil were all busy +doing justice to Mr. Tarkington with an "in-our-midst" paragraph +when the novelist arrived.</p> +<p>"I've just lost a dog," Tarkington explained after he had +introduced himself, "and I'd like to have you insert this ad for +me: 'Fifty dollars reward for the return of a pointer dog answering +to the name of Rex. Disappeared from the yard of the Mansion House +Monday night.'"</p> +<p>"Why, we are just going to press, sir," the editor said, "but +we'll be only too glad to hold the edition for your ad."</p> +<p>Mr. Tarkington returned to the hotel. After a few minutes he +decided, however, that it might be well to add, "No questions +asked" to his advertisement, and returned to the <i>Daily News</i> +office.</p> +<p>The place was deserted, save for the skinny little freckle-faced +devil, who sat perched on a high stool, gazing wistfully out of the +window.</p> +<p>"Where is everybody?" Tarkington asked.</p> +<p>"Gawn to hunt for th' dawg," replied the boy.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You are the greatest inventor in the world," exclaimed a +newspaper man to Alexander Graham Bell.</p> +<p>"Oh, no, my friend, I'm not," said Professor Bell. "I've never +been a reporter."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Not long ago a city editor in Ottumwa, Iowa, was told over the +telephone that a prominent citizen had just died suddenly. He +called a reporter and told him to rush out and get the "story." +Twenty minutes later the reporter returned, sat down at his desk, +and began to rattle off copy on his typewriter.</p> +<p>"Well, what about it?" asked the city editor.</p> +<p>"Oh, nothing much," replied the reporter, without looking up. +"He was walking along the street when he suddenly clasped his hands +to his heart and said, 'I'm going to die!' Then he leaned up +against a fence and made good."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about +him, a subscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the +responsible reporter. "Who are you?" he demanded, glaring at the +editor, who was also the main stockholder.</p> +<p>"I'm the newspaper," was the calm reply.</p> +<p>"And who are you?" he next inquired, turning his resentful gaze +on the chocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste +basket.</p> +<p>"Me?" rejoined the darky, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah guess +ah's de cul'ud supplement."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand +bayonets.—<i>Napoleon I</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever lays one down +without a feeling of disappointment.—<i>Charles Lamb</i>.</p> +<a name="H455" id="H455"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OBESITY</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Corpulence.</p> +<a name="H456" id="H456"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OBITUARIES</h3> +<p>If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, +cramps, corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a +sign that you are not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your +subscription in advance and thus make yourself solid for a good +obituary notice.—<i>Mountain Echo</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See</i> also Epitaphs.</p> +<a name="H457" id="H457"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OBSERVATION</h3> +<p>In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an +ambitious father tried to give some good advice.</p> +<p>"Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. +"Cultivate the habit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. +Study things and remember them. Don't go through the world blindly. +Learn to use your eyes. Boys who are observing know a great deal +more than those who are not."</p> +<p>Willie listened in silence.</p> +<p>Several days later when the entire family, consisting of his +mother, aunt and uncle, were present, his father said:</p> +<p>"Well, Willie, have you kept using your eyes as I advised you to +do?"</p> +<p>Willie nodded, and after a moment's hesitation said:</p> +<p>"I've seen a few things right around the house. Uncle Jim's got +a bottle of hair dye hid under his trunk, Aunt Jennie's got an +extra set of teeth in her dresser, Ma's got some curls in her hat, +and Pa's got a deck of cards and a box of chips behind the books in +the secretary."</p> +<a name="H458" id="H458"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OCCUPATIONS</h3> +<p>Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was +entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter +inquired:</p> +<p>"An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?"</p> +<p>"Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter."</p> +<p>"Ye don't mane it!"</p> +<p>"Yis; he cuts th' grass off th' baseball grounds."—<i>L.F. +Clarke</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>All business men are apt to use the technical terms of their +daily labors in situations outside of working hours. One time a +railroad man was entertaining his pastor at dinner and his sons, +who had to wait until their elders had finished got into mischief. +At the end of the meal, their father excused himself for a moment +saying he had to "switch some empties."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Professor," said Miss Skylight, "I want you to suggest a course +in life for me. I have thought of journalism—"</p> +<p>"What are your own inclinations?"</p> +<p>"Oh, my soul yearns and throbs and pulsates with an ambition to +give the world a life-work that shall be marvelous in its scope, +and weirdly entrancing in the vastness of its structural +beauty!"</p> +<p>"Woman, you're born to be a milliner."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A woman, when asked her husband's occupation, said he was a +mixologist. The city directory called him a bartender.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"A good turkey dinner and mince pie," said a well-known +after-dinner orator, "always puts us in a lethargic +mood—makes us feel, in fact, like the natives of Nola Chucky. +In Nola Chucky one day I said to a man:</p> +<p>"'What is the principal occupation of this town?'</p> +<p>"'Wall, boss,' the man answered, yawning, 'in winter they mostly +sets on the east side of the house and follers the sun around to +the west, and in summer they sets on the west side and follers the +shade around to the east.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>JONES—"How'd this happen? The last time I was here you +were running a fish-market, and now you've got a cheese-shop."</p> +<p>SMITH—"Yes. Well, you see the doctor said I needed a +change of air."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I +were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I +could work for with a great deal of enjoyment—<i>Douglas +Jerrold</i>.</p> +<a name="H459" id="H459"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OCEAN</h3> +<p>A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife +took down from Boston.</p> +<p>"Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following +morning.</p> +<p>"Sure, I did not, ma'am," was the reply; "the snorin' of the +ocean kept me awake all night."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Love the sea? I dote upon it—from the +beach.—<i>Douglas Jerrold</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I never was on the dull, tame shore,</p> +<p class="i2">But I loved the great sea more and more.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Barry Cornwall</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H460" id="H460"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OFFICE BOYS</h3> +<p>"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?"</p> +<p>"I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three +mining-companies now."</p> +<a name="H461" id="H461"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OFFICE-SEEKERS</h3> +<p>A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented +in Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the +national capitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose +to be sufficiently prominent to become a congressional subject, and +he was visited by the central committee of his district to be +talked to.</p> +<p>"We want you," said the spokesman, "to accept the nomination for +Congress."</p> +<p>"I can't do it, gentlemen," he responded promptly.</p> +<p>"You must," the spokesman demanded.</p> +<p>"But I can't," he insisted. "I'm too poor."</p> +<p>"Oh, that will be all right; we've got plenty of money for the +campaign."</p> +<p>"But that is nothing," contended the gentleman; "it's the +expense in Washington. I've been there, and know all about it."</p> +<p>"Well you didn't lose by it, and it doesn't cost any more +because you come from California."</p> +<p>The gentleman became very earnest.</p> +<p>"Doesn't it?" he exclaimed in a business-like tone. "Why my dear +sirs, I used to have to send home every month about half a dozen +busted office-seeker constituents, and the fare was only $3 apiece, +and I could stand it, but it would cost me over $100 a head to send +them out here, and I'm no millionaire; therefore, as much as I +regret it, I must insist on declining."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"On a trip to Washington," said Col. W.F. Cody. "I had for a +companion Sousa, the band leader. We had berths opposite each +other. Early one morning as we approached the capital I thought I +would have a little fun. I got a morning paper, and, after rustling +it a few minutes, I said to Sousa:</p> +<p>"'That's the greatest order Cleveland has just issued!'</p> +<p>"'What's that?' came from the opposite berth.</p> +<p>"'Why he's ordered all the office-seekers rounded up at the +depot and sent home.'</p> +<p>"You should have seen the general consternation that ensued. +From almost every berth on the car a head came out from between the +curtains, and with one accord nearly every man shouted:</p> +<p>'What's that?'"</p> +<a name="H462" id="H462"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OLD AGE</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Age.</p> +<a name="H463" id="H463"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OLD MASTERS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Paintings.</p> +<a name="H464" id="H464"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ONIONS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Can the Burbanks of the glorious West</p> +<p class="i4">Either make or buy or sell</p> +<p class="i2">An onion with an onion's taste</p> +<p class="i4">But with a violet's smell?</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SHE—"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor +away."</p> +<p>HE—"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody +away."</p> +<a name="H465" id="H465"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OPERA</h3> +<p>"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" +asked Mrs. Cumrox.</p> +<p>"There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her +husband.</p> +<p>"Yes."</p> +<p>"Then I guess it's one of them."</p> +<a name="H466" id="H466"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OPPORTUNITY</h3> +<p>Many a man creates his own lack of +opportunities.—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis +offer'd,</p> +<p class="i2">Shall never find it more.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">In life's small things be resolute and great</p> +<p class="i2">To keep thy muscles trained; know'st thou when +fate</p> +<p class="i2">Thy measure takes? or when she'll say to thee,</p> +<p class="i2">"I find thee worthy, do this thing for me!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Emerson</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H467" id="H467"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OPTIMISM</h3> +<p>Optimism is Worry on a spree.—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is +doesn't happen to him.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to +him.—<i>J.J. O'Connell</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An optimist is a woman who thinks that everything is for the +best, and that she is the best.-<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A political optimist is a fellow who can make sweet, pink +lemonade out of the bitter yellow fruit which his opponents hand +him.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mayor William S. Jordan, at a Democratic banquet in +Jacksonville, said of optimism:</p> +<p>"Let us cultivate optimism and hopefulness. There is nothing +like it. The optimistic man can see a bright side to +everything—everything.</p> +<p>"A missionary in a slum once laid his hand on a man's shoulder +and said:</p> +<p>"'Friend, do you hear the solemn ticking of that clock? +Tick-tack; tick-tack. And oh, friend, do you know what day it +inexorably and relentlessly brings nearer?"</p> +<p>"'Yes-pay day,' the other, an honest, optimistic workingman, +replied."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Scotsman who has a keen appreciation of the strong +characteristics of his countrymen delights in the story of a +druggist known both for his thrift and his philosophy.</p> +<p>Once he was aroused from a deep sleep by the ringing of his +night bell. He went down to his little shop and sold a dose of +rather nauseous medicine to a distressed customer.</p> +<p>"What profit do you make out of that?" grumbled his wife.</p> +<p>"A ha'penny," was the cheerful answer.</p> +<p>"And for that bit of money you'll lie awake maybe an hour," she +said impatiently.</p> +<p>"Never grumble o'er that, woman," was his placid answer. "The +dose will keep him awake all night. We must thank heaven we ha' the +profit and none o' the pain o' this transaction."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A German shoemaker left the gas turned on in his shop one night +and upon arriving in the morning struck a match to light it.</p> +<p>There was a terrific explosion, and the shoemaker was blown out +through the door almost to the middle of the street.</p> +<p>A passer-by rushed to his assistance, and, after helping him to +rise, inquired if he was injured.</p> +<p>The little German gazed at his place of business, which was now +burning quite briskly, and said:</p> +<p>"No, I ain't hurt. But I got out shust in time, eh?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">My own hope is, a sun will pierce</p> +<p class="i2">The thickest cloud earth ever stretched;</p> +<p class="i2">That, after Last, returns the First,</p> +<p class="i2">Tho' a wide compass round be fetched;</p> +<p class="i2">That what began best, can't prove worst,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor what God blessed once, prove accursed.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Browning</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H468" id="H468"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ORATORS</h3> +<p>It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd +on the streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, +suh, of the conco's befor' the co't house?"</p> +<p>To which the majah replied:</p> +<p>"General Buckneh is making a speech. General Buckneh suh, is a +bo'n oratah."</p> +<p>"What do you mean by bo'n oratah?"</p> +<p>"If you or I, suh, were asked how much two and two make, we +would reply 'foh.' When this is asked of a bo'n oratah, he replies: +'When in the co'se of human events it becomes necessary to take an +integah of the second denomination and add it, suh, to an integah +of the same denomination, the result, suh—and I have the +science of mathematics to back me up in my judgment—the +result, suh, and I say it without feah of successful contradiction, +suh-the result is fo'' That's a bo'n oratah."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Demosthenes was asked what was the first part of Oratory, +he answered, "Action," and which was the second, he replied, +"Action," and which was the third, he still answered +"Action."—<i>Plutarch</i>.</p> +<a name="H469" id="H469"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>OUTDOOR LIFE</h3> +<p>One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled +into Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the +"mule-skinners," to a man, repaired to the Combination Gambling +House and proceeded to load themselves. Late in the afternoon, Zeb +White, Smith's oldest skinner, having exchanged all of his hard +coin for liquid refreshment, zigzagged into the corral, crawled +under a wagon, and went to sleep. After supper, Smith, making his +nightly rounds, happened on the sleeping Zeb.</p> +<p>"Kinder chilly, ain't it?" he asked, after earnestly prodding +Zeb with a convenient stick.</p> +<p>"I reckon 'tis," Zeb drowsily mumbled.</p> +<p>"Ain't yer 'fraid ye'll freeze?"</p> +<p>'"Tis cold, ain't it? Say, Cap, jest throw on another wagon, +will yer?"</p> +<a name="H470" id="H470"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PAINTING</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Art.</p> +<a name="H471" id="H471"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PAINTINGS</h3> +<p>She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now +employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and +enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc. At last they +reached the best room. "These," said the mistress of the house, +pausing before an extensive row of masculine portraits, "are very +valuable, and you must be very careful when dusting. They are old +masters." Mary's jaw dropped, and a look of intense wonder +overspread her rubicund face.</p> +<p>"Lor', mum," she gasped, gazing with bulging eyes on the face of +her new employer, "lor', mum, who'd ever 'ave thought you'd been +married all these times!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A picture is a poem without words.—<i>Cornificus</i>.</p> +<a name="H472" id="H472"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PANICS</h3> +<p>One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very +perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed +to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage.</p> +<p>"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "compose yourselves. There is +no danger."</p> +<p>The audience did not seem reassured.</p> +<p>"Ladies and gentlemen," continued the comedian, rising to the +necessity of the occasion, "confound it all—do you think if +there was any danger I'd be here?"</p> +<p>The panic collapsed.</p> +<a name="H473" id="H473"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PARENTS</h3> +<p>William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for +interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new +telephone for their house. He sulked awhile, then went to his +mother, and, patting her on the cheeks, said, "Mother dear, I love +you."</p> +<p>"Don't you love me too?" asked his father.</p> +<p>Without glancing at him, William said disdainfully, "The wire's +busy."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful +lies?"</p> +<p>"She says I take after father."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"A little lad was desperately ill, but refused to take the +medicine the doctor had left. At last his mother gave him up.</p> +<p>"Oh, my boy will die; my boy will die," she sobbed.</p> +<p>But a voice spoke from the bed, "Don't cry, mother. Father'll be +home soon and he'll make me take it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mrs. White was undoubtedly the disciplinarian of the family. The +master of the house, a professor, and consequently a very busy man, +was regarded by the children as one of themselves, subject to the +laws of "Mother."</p> +<p>Mrs. White had been ill for some weeks and although the father +felt that the children were showing evidence of running wild, he +seemed powerless to correct the fault. One evening at dinner, +however, he felt obliged to reprimand Marion severely.</p> +<p>"Marion," he said, sternly, "stop that at once, or I shall take +you from the table and punish you soundly."</p> +<p>He experienced a feeling of profound satisfaction in being able +to thus reprove when it was necessary and glanced across the table +expecting to see a very demure little miss. Instead, Marion and her +little brother exchanged glances and then simultaneously a grin +overspread their faces, while Marion said in a mirthful tone:</p> +<p>"Oh, Francis, hear father trying to talk like mother!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Robert has lately acquired a stepmother. Hoping to win his +affection this new parent has been very lenient with him, while his +father, feeling his responsibility, has been unusually strict. The +boys of the neighborhood, who had taken pains to warn Robert of the +terrible character of stepmothers in general, recently waited on +him in a body, and the following conversation was overheard:</p> +<p>"How do you like your stepmother, Bob?"</p> +<p>"Like her! Why fellers, I just love her. All I wish is I had a +stepfather, too."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?"</p> +<p>BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)—"A +orphan."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Little Eleanor's mother was an American, while her father was a +German.</p> +<p>One day, after Eleanor had been subjected to rather severe +disciplinary measures at the hands of her father, she called her +mother into another room, closed the door significantly, and said: +"Mother, I don't want to meddle in your business, but I wish you'd +send that husband of yours back to Germany."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation +of a brief. So bent was he on his work that he did not hear the +door as it was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was +thrust into his office. A little sob attracted his notice, and, +turning he saw a face that was streaked with tears and told plainly +that feelings had been hurt.</p> +<p>"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"</p> +<p>"Are you a lawyer?"</p> +<p>"Yes. What do you want?"</p> +<p>"I want"—and there was resolute ring in his voice—"I +want a divorce from my papa and mama."</p> +<a name="H474" id="H474"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PARROTS</h3> +<p>Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, +walking down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking +and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird +turned quickly, screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" Pat shied off +like a frightened horse, lifting his hat and bowing politely as he +stuttered out: "Ex-excuse me s-sir, I thought you was a burrd!"</p> +<a name="H475" id="H475"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PARTNERSHIP</h3> +<p>A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change +in his business as follows: "Notice—De co-pardnership +heretofore resisting between me and Mose Skinner is hereby +resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem what de +firm owes will settle wid Mose."</p> +<a name="H476" id="H476"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PASSWORDS</h3> +<p>"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two +years rented a safety-deposit box.</p> +<p>"Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old +one?"</p> +<p>"Gladys."</p> +<p>"And what do you wish the new one to be?"</p> +<p>"Mabel. Gladys has gone to Reno."</p> +<p>Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent +around the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on +the floor, conducted him to the Senate gallery.</p> +<p>After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper +and said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He +brought me here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I +though I would tell you so I can get back in."</p> +<p>"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here +when you return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you +the password so you can get your seat again."</p> +<p>Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he +asked.</p> +<p>"Idiosyncrasy."</p> +<p>"What?"</p> +<p>"Idiosyncrasy."</p> +<p>"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate.</p> +<a name="H477" id="H477"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PATIENCE</h3> +<p>"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately."</p> +<p>"Yes, he is, very."</p> +<p>"What is the matter with him?"</p> +<p>"He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he +can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at +his bait."</p> +<a name="H478" id="H478"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PATRIOTISM</h3> +<p>General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the +following story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day +when a dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, +his head bandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him. He was +soliloquizing in this manner:</p> +<p>"I love my country. I'd fight for my country. I'd starve and go +thirsty for my country. I'd die for my country. But if ever this +damn war is over I'll never love another country!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A snobbish young Englishman visiting Washington's home at Mount +Vernon was so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and +caretakers; but it remained for "Shep" Wright, an aged gardener and +one of the first scouts of the Confederate army, to settle the +gentleman. Approaching "Shep," the Englishman said:</p> +<p>"Ah—er—my man, the hedge! Yes, I see, George got +this hedge from dear old England."</p> +<p>"Reckon he did," replied "Shep". "He got this whole blooming +country from England."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Speaking of the policy of the Government of the United States +with respect to its troublesome neighbors in Central and South +America, "Uncle Joe" Cannon told of a Missouri congressman who is +decidedly opposed to any interference in this regard by our +country. It seems that this spring the Missourian met an Englishman +at Washington with whom he conversed touching affairs in the +localities mentioned. The westerner asserted his usual views with +considerable forcefulness, winding up with this observation:</p> +<p>"The whole trouble is that we Americans need a —— +good licking!"</p> +<p>"You do, indeed!" promptly asserted the Britisher, as if pleased +by the admission. But his exultation was of brief duration, for the +Missouri man immediately concluded with:</p> +<p>"But there ain't nobody can do it!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A number of Confederate prisoners, during the Civil War, were +detained at one of the western military posts under conditions much +less unpleasant than those to be found in the ordinary military +prison. Most of them appreciated their comparatively good fortune. +One young fellow, though, could not be reconciled to association +with Yankees under any circumstances, and took advantage of every +opportunity to express his feelings. He was continually rubbing it +in about the battle of Chickamauga, which had just been fought with +such disastrous results for the Union forces.</p> +<p>"Maybe we didn't eat you up at Chickamauga!" was the way he +generally greeted a bluecoat.</p> +<p>The Union men, when they could stand it no longer, reported the +matter to General Grant. Grant summoned the prisoner.</p> +<p>"See here," said Grant, "I understand that you are continually +insulting the men here with reference to the battle of Chickamauga. +They have borne with you long enough, and I'm going to give you +your choice of two things. You will either take the oath of +allegiance to the United States, or be sent to a Northern prison. +Choose."</p> +<p>The prisoner was silent for some time. "Well," he said at last, +in a resigned tone, "I reckon, General, I'll take the oath."</p> +<p>The oath was duly administered. Turning to Grant, the fellow +then asked, very penitently, if he might speak.</p> +<p>"Yes," said the general indifferently. "What is it?"</p> +<p>"Why, I was just thinkin', General," he drawled, "they certainly +did give us hell at Chickamauga."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Historical controversies are creeping into the schools. In a New +York public institution attended by many races, during an +examination in history the teacher asked a little chap who +discovered America.</p> +<p>He was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated, much to the +teacher's surprise, to make any reply.</p> +<p>"Oh, please, ma'am," he finally stammered, "ask me somethin' +else."</p> +<p>"Something else, Jimmy? Why should I do that?"</p> +<p>"The fellers was talkin' 'bout it yesterday," replied Jimmy, +"Pat McGee said it was discovered by an Irish saint. Olaf, he said +it was a sailor from Norway, and Giovanni said it was Columbus, an' +if you'd a-seen what happened you wouldn't ask a little feller like +me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Our country! When right to be kept right; when wrong to be put +right!—<i>Carl Schurz</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she +always be in the right; but our country, right or +wrong.—<i>Stephen Decatur</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There are no points of the compass on the chart of true +patriotism.—<i>Robert C. Winthrop</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Patriotic exercises and flag worship will avail nothing unless +the states give to their people of the kind of government that +arouses patriotism.—<i>Franklin Pierce II</i>.</p> +<a name="H479" id="H479"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PENSIONS</h3> +<p>WILLIS—"I wonder if there will ever be universal +peace."</p> +<p>GILLIS—"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations +to agree that in case of war the winner pays the +pensions."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inquired Mrs. +McClane of an old colored woman in West Virginia.</p> +<p>"'Deed, Miss Ellie," replied the old woman earnestly, "dat daid +nigger's wuth moah to me dan a live one. I gits a +pension."—<i>Edith Howell Armor</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If England had a system of pensions like ours, we should see +that "all that was left of the Noble Six Hundred" was six thousand +pensioners.</p> +<a name="H480" id="H480"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PESSIMISM</h3> +<p>A pessimist is a man who lives with an +optimist.—<i>Francis Wilson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">How happy are the Pessimists!</p> +<p class="i4">A bliss without alloy</p> +<p class="i2">Is theirs when they have proved to us</p> +<p class="i4">There's no such thing as joy!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Harold Susman</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A pessimist is one who, of two evils, chooses them both.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I had a mighty queer surprise this morning," remarked a local +stock broker. "I put on my last summer's thin suit on account of +this extraordinary hot weather, and in one of the trousers pockets +I found a big roll of bills which I had entirely forgotten."</p> +<p>"Were any of them receipted?" asked a pessimist.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>To tell men that they cannot help themselves is to fling them +into recklessness and despair.—<i>Fronde</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">With earth's first clay they did the last man +knead,</p> +<p class="i2">And there of the last harvest sowed the seed:</p> +<p class="i2">And the first morning of creation wrote</p> +<p class="i2">What the last dawn of reckoning shall read.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Yesterday this day's madness did prepare;</p> +<p class="i2">Tomorrow's silence, triumph, or despair.</p> +<p class="i2">Drink! For you know not whence you came, nor why;</p> +<p class="i2">Drink! For you know not why you go, nor where.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Omar Khayyam</i></p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H481" id="H481"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PHILADELPHIA</h3> +<p>A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in +the borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of +transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. +They were discussing their plans the other day, when the oldest +boy, aged eight, looked up from his geography and said:</p> +<p>"Pop, Philadelphia is on the Delaware River, isn't it?"</p> +<p>Pop replied that such was the case.</p> +<p>"I wonder if that's what makes the Delaware Water Gap?" +insinuated the youngster.—<i>S.S. Stinson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Among the guests at an informal dinner in New York was a bright +Philadelphia girl.</p> +<p>"These are snails," said a gentleman next to her, when the +dainty was served. "I suppose Philadelphia people don't eat them +for fear of cannibalism."</p> +<p>"Oh, no," was her instant reply; "it isn't that. We couldn't +catch them."</p> +<a name="H482" id="H482"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PHILANTHROPISTS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Little grains of short weight,</p> +<p class="i4">Little crooked twists,</p> +<p class="i2">Fill the land with magnates</p> +<p class="i4">And philanthropists.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Charity.</p> +<a name="H483" id="H483"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PHILOSOPHY</h3> +<p>Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world +which you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can +have them.—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<a name="H484" id="H484"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS</h3> +<p>The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a +friend, was playing in his father's office, during the absence of +the doctor, when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door +and disclosed to the terrified gaze of his little friend an +articulated skeleton.</p> +<p>When the visitor had sufficiently recovered from his shock to +stand the announcement the doctor's son explained that his father +was extremely proud of that skeleton.</p> +<p>"Is he?" asked the other. "Why?"</p> +<p>"I don't know," was the answer; "maybe it was his first +patient."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The doctor stood by the bedside, and looked gravely down at the +sick man.</p> +<p>"I can not hide from you the fact that you are very ill," he +said. "Is there any one you would like to see?"</p> +<p>"Yes," said the sufferer faintly.</p> +<p>"Who is it?"</p> +<p>"Another doctor."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<br /> +<br /> +"Doctor, I want you to look after my office while I'm on my +vacation."<br /> +<br /> +<p>"But I've just graduated, doctor. Have had no experience." +"That's all right, my boy. My practice is strictly fashionable. +Tell the men to play golf and ship the lady patients off to +Europe."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An old darky once lay seriously ill of fever and was treated for +a long time by one doctor, and then another doctor, for some +reason, came and took the first one's place. The second physician +made a thorough examination of the patient. At the end he said, +"Did the other doctor take your temperature?"</p> +<p>"Ah dunno, sah," the patient answered. "Ah hain't missed nuthin' +so far but mah watch."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There had been an epidemic of colds in the town, and one +physician who had had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a +patient—an Irishman—who was suffering from pneumonia, +and as he leaned over to hear the patient's respiration he called +upon Pat to count.</p> +<p>The doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep, with his ear on +the sick man's chest. It seemed but a minute when he suddenly awoke +to hear Pat still counting: "Tin thousand an' sivinty-six, tin +thousand an' sivinty-sivin—"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FIRST DOCTOR—"I operated on him for appendicitis."</p> +<p>SECOND DOCTOR—"What was the matter with +him?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FUSSY LADY PATIENT—"I was suffering so much, doctor, that +I wanted to die."</p> +<p>DOCTOR—"You did right to call me in, dear lady."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MEDICAL STUDENT—"What did you operate on that man +for?"</p> +<p>EMINENT SURGEON—"Two hundred dollars."</p> +<p>MEDICAL STUDENT—"I mean what did he have?"</p> +<p>EMINENT SURGEON—"Two hundred dollars."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The three degrees in medical treatment—Positive, ill; +comparative, pill; superlative, bill.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What caused the coolness between you and that young doctor? I +thought you were engaged."</p> +<p>"His writing is rather illegible. He sent me a note calling for +10,000 kisses."</p> +<p>"Well?"</p> +<p>"I thought it was a prescription, and took it to the druggist to +be filled."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A tourist while traveling in the north of Scotland, far away +from anywhere, exclaimed to one of the natives: "Why, what do you +do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor."</p> +<p>"Nae, sir," replied Sandy. "We've jist to dee a naitural +death."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When the physician gives you medicine and tells you to take it, +you take it. "Yours not to reason why; yours but to do and +die."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Physicians, of all men, are most happy: whatever good success +soever they have, the world proclaimeth; and what faults they +commit, the earth covereth.—<i>Quarles</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">This is the way that physicians mend or end us,</p> +<p class="i2">Secundum artem: but although we sneer</p> +<p class="i2">In health—when ill, we call them to attend +us,</p> +<p class="i2">Without the least propensity to jeer.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Bills.</p> +<a name="H485" id="H485"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PICKPOCKETS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Thieves; Wives.</p> +<a name="H486" id="H486"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PINS</h3> +<p>"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a +dinner-party, "I can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the +pins go to, anyway?"</p> +<p>"That's a difficult question to answer," replied her husband, +"because they are always pointed in one direction and headed in +another."</p> +<a name="H487" id="H487"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PITTSBURG</h3> +<p>"How about that airship?"</p> +<p>"It went up in smoke."</p> +<p>"Burned, eh?"</p> +<p>"Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SKYBOUGH—"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of +your airship?"</p> +<p>KLOUDLEIGH—"To clear a path. I have an engagement to sail +over Pittsburg."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man just back from South America was describing a volcanic +disturbance.</p> +<p>"I was smoking a cigar before the door of my hotel," said he, +"when I was startled by a rather violent earthquake. The next +instant the sun was obscured and darkness settled over the city. +Looking in the direction of the distant volcano, I saw heavy clouds +of smoke rolling from it, with an occasional tongue of flame +flashing against the dark sky.</p> +<p>"Some of the natives about me were on their knees praying; +others darted aimlessly about, crazed with terror and shouting for +mercy. The landlord of the hotel rushed out and seized me by the +arm.</p> +<p>"'To the harbor!' he cried in my ear.</p> +<p>"Together we hurried down the narrow street. As we panted along, +the dark smoke whirled in our faces, and a dangerous shower of +red-hot cinders sizzled about us. Do you know, I don't believe I +was ever so homesick in all my life!"</p> +<p>"Homesick?" gasped the listener. "Homesick at a time like +that?"</p> +<p>"Sure. I live in Pittsburg, you know."</p> +<a name="H488" id="H488"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PLAY</h3> +<p>The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with +battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the +matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor +with a broad smile on his face.</p> +<p>"Oh, Mama," said he delightedly, "I've locked Grandpa and Uncle +George in the cupboard, and when they get a little angrier I am +going to play Daniel in the lion's den."</p> +<a name="H489" id="H489"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PLEASURE</h3> +<p>BILLY—"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your +birthday party yesterday."</p> +<p>WILLIE—"I bet I did."</p> +<p>BILLY—"Then why ain't you sick today?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you +know you will never go to Heaven if you are so naughty?"</p> +<p>After thinking a moment she said: "Oh, well, I have been to the +circus once and 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' twice. I can't expect to go +everywhere."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In Concord, New Hampshire, they tell of an old chap who made his +wife keep a cash account. Each week he would go over it, growling +and grumbling. On one such occasion he delivered himself of the +following:</p> +<p>"Look here, Sarah, mustard-plasters, fifty cents; three teeth +extracted, two dollars! There's two dollars and a half in one week +spent for your own private pleasure. Do you think I am made of +money?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Here's to beauty, wit and wine and to a full stomach, a full +purse and a light heart.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A dinner, coffee and cigars,</p> +<p class="i4">Of friends, a half a score.</p> +<p class="i2">Each favorite vintage in its turn,—</p> +<p class="i4">What man could wish for more?</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The roses of pleasure seldom last long enough to adorn the brow +of him who plucks them; for they are the only roses which do not +retain their sweetness after they have lost their +beauty.—<i>Hannah More</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Amusements.</p> +<a name="H490" id="H490"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>POETRY</h3> +<p>Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it +even at that.</p> +<a name="H491" id="H491"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>POETS</h3> +<p>EDITOR—"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?"</p> +<p>JOKESMITH—"No, sir."</p> +<p>EDITOR—"Then where did you get that black +eye?"—<i>Satire</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Why is it," asked the persistent poetess, "that you always +insist that we write on one side of the paper only? Why not on +both?"</p> +<p>In that moment the editor experienced an access of +courage—courage to protest against the accumulated wrongs of +his kind.</p> +<p>"One side of the paper, madame," he made answer, "is in the +nature of a compromise."</p> +<p>"A compromise?"</p> +<p>"A compromise. What we really desire, if we could have our way, +is not one, or both, but neither."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the +neglect of his poems by the press. "It is a complete conspiracy of +silence against me, a conspiracy of silence. What ought I to do, +Oscar?" "Join it," replied Wilde.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">God's prophets of the Beautiful,</p> +<p class="i2">These Poets were.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>E.B. Browning</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">We call those poets who are first to mark</p> +<p class="i2">Through earth's dull mist the coming of the +dawn,—</p> +<p class="i2">Who see in twilight's gloom the first pale spark,</p> +<p class="i2">While others only note that day is gone.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>O.W. Holmes</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H492" id="H492"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>POLICE</h3> +<p>A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six +different positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the +police department. A few days later the chief of police wrote to +headquarters: "Sir, I have duly received the portraits of the six +miscreants. I have arrested five of them, and the sixth will be +secured shortly."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I had a message from the Black Hand," said the resident of +Graftburg. "They told me to leave $2,000 in a vacant house in a +certain street."</p> +<p>"Did you tell the police?"</p> +<p>"Right away."</p> +<p>"What did they do?"</p> +<p>"They said that while I was about it I might leave them a couple +of thousand in the same place."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Recipe for a policeman:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To a quart of boiling temper add a pint of Irish +stew</p> +<p class="i4">Together with cracked nuts, long beats and slugs;</p> +<p class="i2">Serve hot with mangled citizens who ask the time of +day—</p> +<p class="i4">The receipt is much the same for making thugs.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Servants.</p> +<a name="H493" id="H493"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>POLITENESS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Courtesy; Etiquet.</p> +<a name="H494" id="H494"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>POLITICAL PARTIES</h3> +<p>ZOO SUPERINTENDENT—"What was all the rumpus out there this +morning?"</p> +<p>ATTENDANT—"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting +over their feed."</p> +<p>"What happened?"</p> +<p>"The donkey ate it."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H495" id="H495"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>POLITICIANS</h3> +<p>Politicians always belong to the opposite party.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to +go into politics.—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A political orator, evidently better acquainted with western +geography than with the language of the Greeks, recently exclaimed +with fervor that his principles should prevail "from Alpha to +Omaha."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>POLITICIAN—"Congratulate me, my dear, I've won the +nomination."</p> +<p>HIS WIFE (in surprise)—"Honestly?"</p> +<p>POLITICIAN—"Now what in thunder did you want to bring up +that point for?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What makes you think the baby is going to be a great +politician?" asked the young mother, anxiously.</p> +<p>"I'll tell you," answered the young father, confidently; "he can +say more things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any +kid I ever saw."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The mere proposal to set the politician to watch the capitalist +has been disturbed by the rather disconcerting discovery that they +are both the same man. We are past the point where being a +capitalist is the only way of becoming a politician, and we are +dangerously near the point where being a politician is much the +quickest way of becoming a capitalist."—<i>G.K. +Chesterton</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a political meeting the speakers and the audience were much +annoyed and disturbed by a man who constantly called out: "Mr. +Henry! Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" After several +interruptions of this kind during each speech, a young man ascended +the platform, and began an eloquent and impassioned speech in which +he handled the issues of the day with easy familiarity. He was in +the midst of a glowing period when suddenly the old cry echoed +through the hall: "Mr. Henry! Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. +Henry!" With a word to the speaker, the chairman stepped to the +front of the platform and remarked that it would oblige the +audience very much if the gentleman in the rear of the hall would +refrain from any further calls for Mr. Henry, as that gentleman was +then addressing the meeting.</p> +<p>"Mr. Henry? Is that Mr. Henry?" came in astonished tones from +the rear. "Thunder! that can't be him. Why, that's the young man +that asked me to call for Mr. Henry."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A political speaker, while making a speech, paused in the midst +of it and exclaimed: "Now gentlemen, what do you think?"</p> +<p>A man rose in the assembly, and with one eye partially closed, +replied modestly, with a strong Scotch brogue: "I think, sir, I do, +indeed, sir—I think if you and I were to stump the country +together we could tell more lies than any other two men in the +country, sir, and I'd not say a word myself during the whole time, +sir."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Rev. Dr. Biddell tells a lively story about a Presbyterian +minister who had a young son, a lad about ten years of age. He was +endeavoring to bring him up in the way he should go, and was one +day asked by a friend what he intended to make of him. In reply he +said:</p> +<p>"I am watching the indications. I have a plan which I propose +trying with the boy. It is this: I am going to place in my parlor a +Bible, an apple and a silver dollar. Then I am going to leave the +room and call in the boy. I am going to watch him from some +convenient place without letting him know that he is seen. Then, if +he chooses the Bible, I shall make a preacher of him; if he takes +the apple, a farmer he shall be; but if he chooses the dollar, I +will make him a business man."</p> +<p>The plan was carried out. The arrangements were made and the boy +called in from his play. After a little while the preacher and his +wife softly entered the room. There was the youngster. He was +seated on the Bible, in one hand was the apple, from which he was +just taking a bite, and in the other he clasped the silver dollar. +The good man turned to his consort. "Wife," he said, "the boy is a +hog. I shall make a politician of him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Senator Mark Hanna was walking through his mill one day when he +heard a boy say:</p> +<p>"I wish I had Hanna's money and he was in the poorhouse."</p> +<p>When he returned to the office the senator sent for the lad, who +was plainly mystified by the summons.</p> +<p>"So you wish you had my money and I was in the poorhouse," said +the great man grimly. "Now supposing you had your wish, what would +you do?"</p> +<p>"Well," said the boy quickly, his droll grin showing his +appreciation of the situation, "I guess I'd get you out of the +poorhouse the first thing."</p> +<p>Mr. Hanna roared with laughter and dismissed the youth.</p> +<p>"You might as well push that boy along," he said to one of his +assistants; "he's too good a politician to be kept down."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Candidates; Public Speakers.</p> +<a name="H496" id="H496"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>POLITICS</h3> +<p>Politics consists of two sides and a fence.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British +public, I should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in +every four or five years.—<i>A.E.W. Mason</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>LITTLE CLARENCE (who has an inquiring mind)—"Papa, the +Forty Thieves—"</p> +<p>MR. CALLIPERS—"Now, my son, you are too young to talk +politics."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Many a man," remarked the milk toast philosopher, "has gone +into politics with a fine future, and come out with a terrible +past." Lord Dufferin delivered an address before the Greek class of +the McGill University about which a reporter wrote:</p> +<p>"His lordship spoke to the class in the purest ancient Greek, +without mispronouncing a word or making the slightest grammatical +solecism."</p> +<p>"Good heavens!" remarked Sir Hector Langevin to the late Sir +John A. Macdonald, "how did the reporter know that!"</p> +<p>"I told him," was the Conservative statesman's answer.</p> +<p>"But you don't know Greek."</p> +<p>"True; but I know a little about politics."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Little Millie's father and grandfather were Republicans; and, as +election drew near, they spoke of their opponents with increasing +warmth, never heeding Millie's attentive ears and wondering +eyes.</p> +<p>One night, however, as the little maid was preparing for bed, +she whispered in a frightened voice: "Oh, mamma, I don't dare to go +upstairs. I'm afraid there's a Democrat under the bed."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The shortest after-dinner speech I ever heard," said Cy Warman, +the poet, "was at a dinner in Providence."</p> +<p>"A man was assigned to the topic, 'The Christian in Politics.' +When he was called upon he arose, bowed and said: 'Mr. Chairman, +ladies and gentlemen: The Christian in Politics—he +ain't.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Politics is but the common pulse-beat of which revolution is the +fever spasm.—<i>Wendell Phillips</i>.</p> +<a name="H497" id="H497"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>POVERTY</h3> +<p>Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in +its favor.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in +northern Bedford County, Pennsylvania, last summer, came across a +lad of sixteen cultivating a patch of miserable potatoes. He +remarked upon their unpromising appearance and expressed pity for +anyone who had to dig a living out of such soil.</p> +<p>"I don't need no pity," said the boy resentfully.</p> +<p>The traveler hastened to soothe his wounded pride. But in the +offended tone of one who has been misjudged the boy added; "I ain't +as poor as you think. I'm only <i>workin'</i> here. I don't +<i>own</i> this place."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One day an inspector of a New York tenement-house found four +families living in one room, chalk lines being drawn across in such +manner as to mark out a quarter for each family.</p> +<p>"How do you get along here?" inquired the inspector.</p> +<p>"Very well," was the reply. "Only the man in the farthest corner +keeps boarders."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is no man so poor but that he can afford to keep one dog, +and I hev seen them so poor that they could afford to keep +three.—<i>Josh Billings</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>May poverty be always a day's march behind us.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Not he who has little, but he who wishes for more, is +poor.—<i>Seneca</i>.</p> +<a name="H498" id="H498"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PRAISE</h3> +<p>WIFE (complainingly)—"You never praise me up to any +one."</p> +<p>HUB—"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the +intelligence office when I'm trying to hire a cook."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"What sort of a man is he?"</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>"Well, he's just what I've been looking for—a generous +soul, with a limousine body."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H499" id="H499"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PRAYER MEETINGS</h3> +<p>A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked +what the assistants did. "Not very much," he said, "only they sin +and bray."</p> +<h3>PRAYERS</h3> +<p>During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and +several of his children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day +a number of the devout church members called to pray for the +family. While they were about it a boy, the son of a member living +in the country, knocked at the preacher's door. He had his arms +full of things. "What have you there?" a deacon asked him.</p> +<p>"Pa's prayers for a happy Thanksgiving," the boy answered, as he +proceeded to unload potatoes, bacon, flour and other provisions for +the afflicted family.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little girl in Washington surprised her mother the other day +by closing her evening prayers in these words: "Amen; good bye; +ring off."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TEACHER—"Now, Tommy, suppose a man gave you $100 to keep +for him and then died, what would you do? Would you pray for +him?"</p> +<p>TOMMY—"No, sir; but I would pray for another like +him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A well-known revivalist whose work has been principally among +the negroes of a certain section of the South remembers one service +conducted by him that was not entirely successful. He had had very +poor attendance, and spent much time in questioning the darkies as +to their reason for not attending.</p> +<p>"Why were you not at our revival?" he asked one old man, whom he +encountered on the road.</p> +<p>"Oh, I dunno," said the backward one.</p> +<p>"Don't you ever pray?" demanded the preacher.</p> +<p>The old man shook his head. "No," said he; "I carries a rabbit's +foot."—<i>Taylor Edwards</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little girl attending an Episcopal church for the first time, +was amazed to see all kneel suddenly. She asked her mother what +they were going to do. Her mother replied, "Hush, they're going to +say their prayers."</p> +<p>"What with all their clothes on?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first +sermon. The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back +corner of the church. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his +prayers seemed to cover the whole category of human wants.</p> +<p>After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what +he thought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a +good prayer, Joe?"</p> +<p>"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord +fo' things dat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Hilma was always glad to say her prayers, but she wanted to be +sure that she was heard in the heavens above as well as on the +earth beneath.</p> +<p>One night, after the usual "Amen," she dropped her head upon her +pillow and closed her eyes. After a moment she lifted her hand and, +waving it aloft, said, "Oh, Lord! this prayer comes from 203 Selden +Avenue."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Willie's mother had told him that if he went to the river to +play he should go to bed. One day she was away, and on coming home +about two o'clock in the afternoon found Willie in bed.</p> +<p>"What are you in bed for?" asked his mother.</p> +<p>"I went to the river to play, and I knew you would put me in +bed, so I didn't wait for you to come."</p> +<p>"Did you say your prayers before you went to bed?" asked his +mother.</p> +<p>"No," said Willie. "You don't suppose God would be loafing +around here this time of day, do you? He's at the office."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her +mother that she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of +persuasion or reasoning could make her vary her statement one +hairbreadth. That night, when she slipped down on her knees to say +her prayers, her mother said, "Polly, ask God to forgive you for +that fib."</p> +<p>Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into +her mother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I +did ask him, mamma, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss +Polly; that big yellow dog has often fooled me.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Prayer is the spirit speaking truth to +Truth.—<i>Bailey</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Pray to be perfect, though material leaven</p> +<p class="i2">Forbid the spirit so on earth to be;</p> +<p class="i2">But if for any wish thou darest not pray,</p> +<p class="i2">Then pray to God to cast that wish away.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Hartley Coleridge</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Courage.</p> +<a name="H500" id="H500"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PREACHING</h3> +<p>The services in the chapel of a certain western university are +from time to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many +denominations and from many cities.</p> +<p>On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the +president how long he should speak, that witty officer replied:</p> +<p>"There is no limit, Doctor, upon the time you may preach; but I +may tell you that there is a tradition here that the most souls are +saved during the first twenty-five minutes."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One Sunday morning a certain young pastor in his first charge +announced nervously:</p> +<p>"I will take for my text the words, 'And they fed five men with +five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"</p> +<p>At this misquotation an old parishioner from his seat in the +amen corner said audibly:</p> +<p>"That's no miracle—I could do it myself."</p> +<p>The young preacher said nothing at the time, but the next Sunday +he announced the same text again. This time he got it right:</p> +<p>"And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two +fishes."</p> +<p>He waited a moment, and then, leaning over the pulpit and +looking at the amen corner, he said:</p> +<p>"And could you do that, too, Mr. Smith?"</p> +<p>"Of course I could," Mr. Smith replied.</p> +<p>"And how would you do it?" said the preacher.</p> +<p>"With what was left over from last Sunday," said Mr. Smith.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The late Bishop Foss once visited a Philadelphia physician for +some trifling ailment. "Do you, sir," the doctor asked, in the +course of his examination, "talk in your sleep?"</p> +<p>"No sir," answered the bishop. "I talk in other people's. Aren't +you aware that I am a divine?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Yes, sir," said the irate man, "I got even with that clergyman. +I slurred him. Why, I hired one hundred people to attend his church +and go to sleep before he had preached five minutes."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A noted eastern Judge when visiting in the west went to church +on Sunday; which isn't so remarkable as the fact that he knew +beforehand that the preacher was exceedingly tedious and long +winded to the last degree. After the service the preacher met the +Judge in the vestibule and said: "Well, your Honor, how did you +like the sermon?"</p> +<p>"Oh, most wonderfully," replied the Judge. "It was like the +peace of God; for it passed all understanding, and, like His mercy, +I thought it would have endured forever."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The preacher's evening discourse was dry and long, and the +congregation gradually melted away. The sexton tiptoed up to the +pulpit and slipped a note under one corner of the Bible. It +read:</p> +<p>"When you are through, will you please turn off the lights, lock +the door, and put the key under the mat?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The new minister's first sermon was very touching and created +much favorable comment among the members of the church. One +morning, a few days later, his nine-year-old son happened to be +alone in the pastor's study and with childish curiosity started to +read through some papers on the desk. They happened to be this +identical sermon, but he was most interested in the marginal notes. +In one place in the margin were written the words, "Cry a little." +Further on in the discourse appeared another marginal remark, "Cry +a little more." On the next to the last sheet the boy found his +good father had penned another remark, "Cry like thunder."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young preacher, who was staying at a clergy-house, was in the +habit of retiring to his room for an hour or more each day to +practice pulpit oratory. At such times he filled the house with +sounds of fervor and pathos, and emptied it of almost everything +else. Phillips Brooks chanced to be visiting a friend in this house +one day when the budding orator was holding forth.</p> +<p>"Gracious me!" exclaimed the Bishop, starting up in assumed +terror, "pray, what might that be?"</p> +<p>"Sit down, Bishop," his friend replied. "That's only young +D—— practising what he preaches."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A distinguished theologian was invited to make an address before +a Sunday-school. The divine spoke for over an hour and his remarks +were of too deep a character for the average juvenile mind to +comprehend. At the conclusion, the superintendent, according to +custom, requested some one in the school to name an appropriate +hymn to be sung.</p> +<p>"Sing 'Revive Us Again,'" shouted a boy in the rear of the +room.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one +of his woman parishioners.</p> +<p>"Well, my good woman," said he, "so you are ill and require the +consolations of religion? What can I do for you?"</p> +<p>"No," replied the old lady, "I am only nervous and can't +sleep!"</p> +<p>"But how can I help that?" said the parson.</p> +<p>"Oh, sir, you always put me to sleep so nicely when I go to +church that I thought if you would only preach a little for +me!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I never see my rector's eyes;</p> +<p class="i2">He hides their light divine;</p> +<p class="i2">For when he prays, he shuts his own,</p> +<p class="i2">And when he preaches, mine.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and +seated himself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget. +Leaning over to the white-haired man at his side, evidently an old +member of the congregation, he whispered:</p> +<p>"How long has he been preaching?"</p> +<p>"Thirty or forty years, I think," the old man answered.</p> +<p>"I'll stay then," decided the stranger. "He must be nearly +done."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Once upon a time there was an Indian named Big Smoke, employed +as a missionary to his fellow Smokes.</p> +<p>A white man encountering Big Smoke, asked him what he did for a +living.</p> +<p>"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me preach."</p> +<p>"That so? What do you get for preaching?"</p> +<p>"Me get ten dollars a year."</p> +<p>"Well," said the white man, "that's damn poor pay."</p> +<p>"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me damn poor preacher."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Clergy.</p> +<a name="H501" id="H501"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PRESCRIPTIONS</h3> +<p>After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the +suburbs became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, +who wrote a prescription after examining the patient. The doctor, +upon departing, said: "Just let your husband take that and you'll +find he will be all right in a short time."</p> +<p>Next day the doctor called again, and the wife opened the door, +her face beaming with smiles. "Sure, that was a wonderful wee bit +of paper you left yesterday," she exclaimed. "William is better +to-day."</p> +<p>"I'm glad to hear that," said the much-pleased medical man.</p> +<p>"Not but what I hadn't a big job to get him to swallow it." she +continued, "but, sure, I just wrapped up the wee bit of paper quite +small and put it in a spoonful of jam and William swallowed it +unbeknownst. By night he was entirely better."</p> +<a name="H502" id="H502"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PRESENCE OF MIND</h3> +<p>"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to +face?"</p> +<p>"I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, +the luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car +porters and borrowed a dollar from him."</p> +<a name="H503" id="H503"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PRINTERS</h3> +<p>The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast +"hoe," the carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up +tall columns"; and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in +attending to the "cases," and beats the parson in the management of +the devil.</p> +<a name="H504" id="H504"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PRISONS</h3> +<p>A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The +case was given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the +judge sentenced him to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a +jovial man, fond of a smile, and feeling particularly good on that +particular day, considered himself insulted when the prisoner +looking around the cell told him it was dirty, and not fit for a +hog to be put in. One word brought on another, till finally the +jailer told the prisoner if he did not behave himself he would put +him out. To which the prisoner replied: "I will give you to +understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you have!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SHERIFF—"That fellow who just left jail is going to be +arrested again soon."</p> +<p>"How do you know?"</p> +<p>SHERIFF—"He chopped my wood, carried the water, and mended +my socks. I can't get along without him."</p> +<a name="H505" id="H505"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PRODIGALS</h3> +<p>"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and +weep?"</p> +<p>"Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' +it."</p> +<a name="H506" id="H506"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROFANITY</h3> +<p>THE RECTOR—"It's terrible for a man like you to make every +other word an oath."</p> +<p>THE MAN—"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good +deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FIRST DEAF MUTE—"He wasn't so very angry, was he?"</p> +<p>SECOND DEAF MUTE—"He was so wild that the words he used +almost blistered his fingers."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said, +"Darn!"</p> +<p>"I'll give you ten cents," said father, "if you'll never say +that word again."</p> +<p>A few days afterward she came to him and said: "Papa, I've got a +word worth half a dollar."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Very frequently the winter highways of the Yukon valley are mere +trails, traversed only by dog-sledges. One of the bishops in +Alaska, who was very fond of that mode of travel, encountered a +miner coming out with his dog-team, and stopped to ask him what +kind of a road he had come over.</p> +<p>The miner responded with a stream of forcible and picturesque +profanity, winding up with:</p> +<p>"And what kind o' trail did you have?"</p> +<p>"Same as yours," replied the bishop feelingly.—<i>Elgin +Burroughs</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A scrupulous priest of Kildare,</p> +<p class="i2">Used to pay a rude peasant to swear,</p> +<p class="i4">Who would paint the air blue,</p> +<p class="i4">For an hour or two,</p> +<p class="i2">While his reverence wrestled in prayer.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Donald and Jeanie were putting down a carpet. Donald slammed the +end of his thumb with the hammer and began to pour forth his soul +in language befitting the occasion.</p> +<p>"Donald, Donald!" shrieked Jeanie, horrified. "Dinna swear that +way!"</p> +<p>"Wummun!" vociferated Donald; "gin ye know ony better way, now +is the time to let me know it!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"It is not always necessary to make a direct accusation," said +the lawyer who was asking damages because insinuations had been +made against his client's good name. "You may have heard of the +woman who called to the hired girl, 'Mary, Mary. come here and take +the parrot downstairs—the master has dropped his collar +button!'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Little Bartholomew's mother overheard him swearing like a +mule-driver. He displayed a fluency that overwhelmed her. She took +him to task, explaining the wickedness of profanity as well as its +vulgarity. She asked where he had learned all those dreadful words. +Bartholomew announced that Cavert, one of his playmates, had taught +him.</p> +<p>Cavert's mother was straightway informed and Cavert was brought +to book. He vigorously denied having instructed Bartholomew, and +neither threats nor tears could make him confess. At last he burst +out:</p> +<p>"I didn't tell Bartholomew any cuss words. Why should I know how +to cuss any better than he does? Hasn't his father got an +automobile, too?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>They were in Italy together.</p> +<p>"If you would let me curse them black and blue," said the groom, +"we shouldn't have to wait so long for the trunks."</p> +<p>"But, darling, please don't. It would distress me so," murmured +the bride.</p> +<p>The groom went off, but quickly returned with the porters before +him trundling the trunks at a double quick.</p> +<p>"Oh, dearest, how did you do it? You didn't—?"</p> +<p>"Not at all. I thought of something that did quite as well. I +said, '<i>S-s-s-susquehanna, R-r-r-rappahannock!'"—Cornelia +C. Ward</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and +fifty words about a motorcar. She submitted the following:</p> +<p>"My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when +it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other +two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to +town, but they are not fit for publication."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The ashman was raising a can of ashes above his head to dump the +contents into his cart, when the bottom of the can came out. Ethel +saw it and ran in and told her mother.</p> +<p>"I hope you didn't listen to what he said," the mother +remarked.</p> +<p>"He didn't say a word to me," replied the little girl; "he just +walked right off by the side of his cart, talking to God."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young man entered the jeweler's store and bought a ring, which +he ordered engraved. The jeweler asked what name.</p> +<p>"George Osborne to Harriet Lewis, but I prefer only the +initials, G.O. to H.L."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>For it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering +accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than +ever proof itself would have earned +him.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +<a name="H507" id="H507"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROHIBITION</h3> +<p>"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, +Kansas?" asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? +Well, that's a dry town for you, all right."</p> +<p>"They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men.</p> +<p>"Only if you had been bitten by a snake," said the drummer. +"They have only one snake in town, and when I got to it the other +day after standing in line for nearly half a day it was too tired +to bite."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was prohibition country. As soon as the train pulled up, a +seedy little man with a covered basket on his arm hurried to the +open windows of the smoker and exhibited a quart bottle filled with +rich, dark fluid.</p> +<p>"Want to buy some nice cold tea?" he asked, with just the +suspicion of a wink.</p> +<p>Two thirsty-looking cattlemen brightened visibly, and each paid +a dollar for a bottle.</p> +<p>"Wait until you get outer the station before you take a drink," +the little man cautioned them. "I don't wanter get in trouble."</p> +<p>He found three other customers before the train pulled out, in +each case repeating his warning.</p> +<p>"You seem to be doing a pretty good business," remarked a man +who had watched it all. "But I don't see why you'd run any more +risk of getting in trouble if they took a drink before the train +started."</p> +<p>"Ye don't, hey? Well, what them bottles had in 'em, pardner, was +real cold tea."</p> +<a name="H508" id="H508"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROMOTING</h3> +<p>Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the +British North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was +approached with a view to floating a rubber company. His friend was +quite ready. "How many trees have you?" he asked. "We have not got +any trees," was the answer. "How much land have you?" "We have no +land." "What then have you got?" "I have a bag of seeds!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There are many tales about the caution of Russell Sage and the +cleverness with which he outwitted those who sought to get some of +his money from him. Two brilliant promoters went to him one time +and presented a scheme. The financier listened for an hour, and +when they departed they were told that Mr. Sage's decision would be +mailed to them in a few days.</p> +<p>"I think we have got Uncle Russell," said one of the promoters. +"I really believe we have won his confidence."</p> +<p>"I fear not," observed the other doubtfully. "He is too +suspicious."</p> +<p>"Suspicious? I didn't observe any sign of it."</p> +<p>"Didn't you notice that he counted his fingers after I had +shaken hands with him and we were coming away?"</p> +<a name="H509" id="H509"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROMOTION</h3> +<p>Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from +the cemetery.—<i>Edward Sanford Martin</i>.</p> +<a name="H510" id="H510"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROMPTNESS</h3> +<p>"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?"</p> +<p>"First out of the building when the bell rings."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do +it now" signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the +first few days of those signs, the business man counted up the +results, he found that the cashier had skipped out with $20,000, +the head bookkeeper had eloped with the stenographer, three clerks +had asked for a raise in salary, and the office boy had lit out for +the west to become a highwayman.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Are you waiting for me, dear?" she said, coming downstairs at +last, after spending half an hour fixing her hat.</p> +<p>"Waiting," exclaimed the impatient man. "Oh no, not +waiting—sojourning."</p> +<a name="H511" id="H511"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PRONUNCIATION</h3> +<p>A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the +use of words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what +he was saying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent +prayer, he pleaded:</p> +<p>"O Lord! waken thy cause in the hearts of this congregation and +give them new eyes to see and new impulse to do. Send down Thy +lev-er or lee-ver, according to Webster's or Worcester's +dictionary, whichever Thou usest, and pry them into activity."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I'm at the head of my class, pa," said Willie.</p> +<p>"Dear me, son, how did that happen?" cried his father.</p> +<p>"Why, the teacher asked us this morning how to pronounce +C-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a, and nobody knew," said Willie, "but when she got +down to me I sneezed and she said that was right."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Liars.</p> +<a name="H512" id="H512"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROPORTION</h3> +<p>A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a +commotion in a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the +floor lay a small boy writhing in great distress while his mother +bent solicitously over him.</p> +<p>"What-all's de matter wif de chile?" asked the visitor +sympathetically.</p> +<p>"I spec's hit's too much watermillion," responded the +mother.</p> +<p>"Ho! go 'long wif you," protested the visitor scornfully. "Dey +cyan't never be too much watermillion. Hit mus' be dat dere ain't +enough boy."</p> +<a name="H513" id="H513"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROPOSALS</h3> +<p>A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of +proposal asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a +young man should propose to a girl on his knees.</p> +<p>"If he doesn't," replied his friend, "the girl should get +off."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A gentleman who had been in Chicago only three days, but who had +been paying attention to a prominent Chicago belle, wanted to +propose, but was afraid he would be thought too hasty. He +delicately broached the subject as follows: "If I were to speak to +you of marriage, after having only made your acquaintance three +days ago, what would you say of it?"</p> +<p>"Well, I should say, never put off till tomorrow that which +should have been done the day before yesterday."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young man from the West,</p> +<p class="i2">Who proposed to the girl he loved best,</p> +<p class="i4">But so closely he pressed her</p> +<p class="i4">To make her say, yes, sir,</p> +<p class="i2">That he broke two cigars in his vest.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>—<i>The Tobacconist</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>They were dining on fowl in a restaurant. "You see," he +explained, as he showed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then +we must both make a wish and pull, and when it breaks the one who +has the bigger part of it will have his or her wish granted." "But +I don't know what to wish for," she protested. "Oh! you can think +of something," he said. "No, I can't," she replied; "I can't think +of anything I want very much." "Well, I'll wish for you," he +explained. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes." "Well, then +there's no use fooling with the old wishbone," she interrupted with +a glad smile, "you can have me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Dear May," wrote the young man, "pardon me, but I'm getting so +forgetful. I proposed to you last night, but really forget whether +you said yes or no."</p> +<p>"Dear Will," she replied by note, "so glad to hear from you. I +know I said 'no' to some one last night, but I had forgotten just +who it was."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The four Gerton girls were all good-looking; indeed, the three +younger ones were beautiful; while Annie, the oldest, easily made +up in capability and horse sense what she lacked in looks.</p> +<p>A young chap, very eligible, called on the girls frequently, but +seemed unable to decide which to marry. So Annie put on her +thinking cap, and, one evening when the young chap called, she +appeared with her pretty arms bare to the elbow and her hands white +with flour.</p> +<p>"Oh, you must excuse my appearance," she said. "I have been +working in the kitchen all day. I baked bread and pies and cake +this morning, and afterward, as the cook was ill, I prepared +dinner."</p> +<p>"Miss Annie, is that so?" said the young man. He looked at her, +deeply impressed. Then, after a moment's thought, he said:</p> +<p>"Miss Annie, there is a question I wish to ask you, and on your +answer will depend much of my life's happiness."</p> +<p>"Yes?" she said, with a blush, and she drew a little nearer. +"Yes? What is it?"</p> +<p>"Miss Annie," said the young man, in deep earnest tones, "I am +thinking of proposing to your sister Kate—will you make your +home with us?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was at Christmas, and he had been calling on her twice a week +for six months, but had not proposed.</p> +<p>"Ethel," he said, "I—er—am going to ask you an +important question."</p> +<p>"Oh, George," she exclaimed, "this is so sudden! Why, +I—"</p> +<p>"No, excuse me," he interrupted; "what I want to ask is this: +What date have you and your mother decided upon for our +wedding?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Scotch beadle led the maiden of his choice to a churchyard +and, pointing to the various headstones, said:</p> +<p>"My folks are all buried there, Jennie. Wad ye like to be buried +there too?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>IMPECUNIOUS LOVER—"Be mine, Amanda, and you will be +treated like an angel."</p> +<p>WEALTHY MAIDEN—"Yes, I suppose so. Nothing to eat, and +less to wear. No, thank you."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The surest way to hit a woman's heart is to take aim +kneeling.—<i>Douglas Jerrold</i>.</p> +<a name="H514" id="H514"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROPRIETY</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady of Wilts,</p> +<p class="i2">Who walked up to Scotland on stilts;</p> +<p class="i4">When they said it was shocking</p> +<p class="i4">To show so much stocking,</p> +<p class="i2">She answered: "Then what about kilts?"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H515" id="H515"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROSPERITY</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">May bad fortune follow you all your days</p> +<p class="i2">And never catch up with you.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H516" id="H516"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH</h3> +<p>One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing +story.</p> +<p>A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some very +young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted the late Reverend +Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, and recommending them as +good Episcopal kittens. Dr. Brooks laughingly refused, thinking +them too small to be taken from their mother. A few days later a +Presbyterian minister who had witnessed this episode was asked by +the same boy to buy the same kittens. This time the lad announced +that they were faithful Presbyterians.</p> +<p>"Didn't you tell Dr. Brooks last week that they were Episcopal +kittens?" the minister asked sternly.</p> +<p>"Yes sir," replied the boy quickly, "but they's had their eyes +opened since then, sir."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation in a remote +country district met an old farmer who declared that he was a +"'Piscopal."</p> +<p>"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman.</p> +<p>"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer.</p> +<p>"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question.</p> +<p>"Nobody," answered the farmer.</p> +<p>"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman.</p> +<p>"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter I +went to church, an' it was called 'Piscopal, an' I heerd them say +that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done and +they'd done some things what they oughtenter done, and I says to +myself says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly,' and ever sence then I've +been a 'Piscopalian."</p> +<a name="H517" id="H517"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROTESTANTS</h3> +<p>A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and +this was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that +ensued: "Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas mighty +little St. Paul thought of the Pratestants. You've all heard tell +of the 'pistle he wrote to the Romans, but I'd ax ye this, did any +of yez iver hear of his writing a 'pistle to the Pratestants?"</p> +<a name="H518" id="H518"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROVIDENCE</h3> +<p>"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a +thousand dollars, Mama?"</p> +<p>"It was God's will, dear."</p> +<p>"And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with the +doctor?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There's a certain minister whose duties sometimes call him out +of the city. He has always arranged for some one of his +parishioners to keep company with his wife and little daughter +during these absences. Recently, however, he was called away so +suddenly that he had no opportunity of providing a guardian.</p> +<p>The wife was very brave during the early evening, but after dark +had fallen her courage began to fail. She stayed up with her little +girl till there was no excuse for staying any longer and then took +her upstairs to bed.</p> +<p>"Now go to sleep, Dearie," she said. "Don't be afraid. God will +protect you."</p> +<p>"Yes, Mother," answered the little girl, "that'll be all right +tonight, but next time let's make better arrangements."</p> +<a name="H519" id="H519"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PROVINCIALISM</h3> +<p>Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living +in New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to +spend a month with friends. After a fortnight of it, he wrote +back:</p> +<p>"Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that the South was +anything like I have found it, and so different to the North. Why, +man, it's God's country."</p> +<p>The Colonel, who gets his title from Kentucky, answered promptly +by postal.</p> +<p>"Of course it is," he wrote. "You didn't suppose God was a +Yankee, did you?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A southerner, with the intense love for his own district, +attended a banquet. The next day a friend asked him who was +present. With a reminiscent smile he replied: "An elegant gentleman +from Virginia, a gentleman from Kentucky, a man from Ohio, a +bounder from Chicago, a fellow from New York, and a galoot from +Maine."</p> +<p>They had driven fourteen miles to the lake, and then rowed six +miles across the lake to get to the railroad station, when the +Chicago man asked:</p> +<p>"How in the world do you get your mail and newspapers here in +the winter when the storms are on?"</p> +<p>"Wa-al, we don't sometimes. I've seen this lake thick up so that +it was three weeks before we got a Chicago paper," answered the man +from "nowhere."</p> +<p>"Well, you were cut off," said the Chicago man.</p> +<p>"Ya-as, we were so," was the reply. "Still, the Chicago folks +were just as badly off."</p> +<p>"How so?"</p> +<p>"Wa-al," drawled the man, "we didn't know what was going on in +Chicago, of course. But then, neither did Chicago folks know what +was going on down here."</p> +<a name="H520" id="H520"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS</h3> +<p>The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the +witness belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to +the court.</p> +<p>"The court sees no harm in the question," answered the judge. +"You may answer."</p> +<p>"Well, I belong to three."</p> +<p>"What are they?"</p> +<p>"The Knights of Pythias, the Odd Fellows, and the gas +company."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Yes, he had some rare trouble with his eyes," said the +celebrated oculist. "Every time he went to read he would read +double."</p> +<p>"Poor fellow," remarked the sympathetic person. "I suppose that +interfered with his holding a good position?"</p> +<p>"Not at all. The gas company gobbled him up and gave him a +lucrative job reading gas-meters."</p> +<a name="H521" id="H521"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PUBLIC SPEAKERS</h3> +<p>ORATOR—"I thought your paper was friendly to me?"</p> +<p>EDITOR—"So it is. What's the matter?"</p> +<p>ORATOR—"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you +didn't print a line of it."</p> +<p>EDITOR—"Well, what further proof do you want?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TRAVELING LECTURER FOR SOCIETY (to the remaining +listener)—"I should like to thank you, sir, for so +attentively hearing me to the end of a rather too long speech."</p> +<p>LOCAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY—"Not at all, sir. I'm the second +speaker."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Ex-senator Spooner of Wisconsin says the best speech of +introduction he ever heard was delivered by the German mayor of a +small town in Wisconsin, where Spooner had been engaged to +speak.</p> +<p>The mayor said:</p> +<p>"Ladies und shentlemens, I haf been asked to indrotoose you to +the Honorable Senator Spooner, who vill make to you a speech, yes. +I haf now done so; he vill now do so."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"When I arose to speak," related a martyred statesman, "some one +hurled a base, cowardly egg at me and it struck me in the +chest."</p> +<p>"And what kind of an egg might that be?" asked a fresh young +man.</p> +<p>"A base, cowardly egg," explained the statesman, "is one that +hits you and then runs."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is +sometimes embarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced +young fellow was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which +ex-speaker Cannon was also present.</p> +<p>"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that the +generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of +the generality of—"</p> +<p>"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of +the same hole you went in at."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A South African tribe has an effective method of dealing with +bores, which might be adopted by Western peoples. This simple tribe +considers long speeches injurious to the orator and his hearers; so +to protect both there is an unwritten law that every public orator +must stand on only one leg when he is addressing an audience. As +soon as he has to place the other leg on the ground his oration is +brought to a close, by main force, if necessary.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A rather turgid orator, noted for his verbosity and heaviness, +was once assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp in the +mountains. There were about fifty miners present when he began; but +when, at the end of a couple of hours, he gave no sign of +finishing, his listeners dropped away.</p> +<p>Some went back to work, but the majority sought places to quench +their thirst, which had been aggravated by the dryness of the +discourse.</p> +<p>Finally there was only one auditor left, a dilapidated, +weary-looking old fellow. Fixing his gaze on him, the orator pulled +out a large six-shooter and laid it on the table. The old fellow +rose slowly and drawled out:</p> +<p>"Be you going to shoot if I go?"</p> +<p>"You bet I am," replied the speaker. "I'm bound to finish my +speech, even if I have to shoot to keep an audience."</p> +<p>The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, and edged slowly away, +saying as he did so:</p> +<p>"Well, shoot if you want to. I may jest as well be shot as +talked to death."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The self-made millionaire who had endowed the school had been +invited to make the opening speech at the commencement exercises. +He had not often had a chance of speaking before the public and he +was resolved to make the most of it. He dragged his address out +most tiresomely, repeating the same thought over and over. Unable +to stand it any longer a couple of boys in the rear of the room +slipped out. A coachman who was waiting outside asked them if the +millionaire had finished his speech.</p> +<p>"Gee, yes!" replied the boys, "but he won't stop."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mark Twain once told this story:</p> +<p>"Some years ago in Hartford, we all went to church one hot, +sweltering night to hear the annual report of Mr. Hawley, a city +missionary who went around finding people who needed help and +didn't want to ask for it. He told of the life in cellars, where +poverty resided; he gave instances of the heroism and devotion of +the poor. When a man with millions gives, he said, we make a great +deal of noise. It's a noise in the wrong place, for it's the +widow's mite that counts. Well, Hawley worked me up to a great +pitch. I could hardly wait for him to get through. I had $400 in my +pocket. I wanted to give that and borrow more to give. You could +see greenbacks in every eye. But instead of passing the plate then, +he kept on talking and talking and talking, and as he talked it +grew hotter and hotter and hotter, and we grew sleepier and +sleepier and sleepier. My enthusiasm went down, down, down, +down—$100 at a clip—until finally, when the plate did +come around, I stole ten cents out of it. It all goes to show how a +little thing like this can lead to crime."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> After dinner speeches; Candidates; +Politicians.</p> +<a name="H522" id="H522"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PUNISHMENT</h3> +<p>A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote +the teacher:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home except +in self-defense."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that +nonsense in my family. My father never thrashed me in all his +life."</p> +<p>"Too bad, too bad," sighed Hickenlooper. "Another wreck due to a +misplaced switch."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton, the +poet, and asked him among other things, if he did not think the +loss of his sight a judgment upon him for what he had writen +against his father, Charles the First. Milton answered: "If your +Highness think my loss of sight a <i>judgment</i> upon me, what do +you think of your father's losing his head."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A white man during reconstruction times was arraigned before a +colored justice of the peace for killing a man and stealing his +mule. It was in Arkansas, near the Texas border, and there was some +rivalry between the states, but the colored justice tried to +preserve an impartial frame of mind.</p> +<p>"We's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't," he said: "Texas law +an' Arkansas law. Which will you hab?"</p> +<p>The prisoner thought a minute and then guessed that he would +take the Arkansas law.</p> +<p>"Den I discharge you fo' stealin' de mule, an' hang you fo' +killin' de man."</p> +<p>"Hold on a minute, Judge," said the prisoner. "Better make that +Texas law."</p> +<p>"All right. Den I fin' you fo' killin' de man, an' hang you fo' +stealin' de mule."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said +to the court:</p> +<p>"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the +house at all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted +his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's +arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole +individual for an offense committed by only one of his limbs."</p> +<p>"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it +logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's +imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."</p> +<p>The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed +his cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Muriel, a five-year-old subject of King George, has been thought +by her parents too young to feel the weight of the rod, and has +been ruled by moral suasion alone. But when, the other day, she +achieved disobedience three times in five minutes, more vigorous +measures were called for, and her mother took an ivory paper-knife +from the table and struck her smartly across her little bare legs. +Muriel looked astounded. Her mother explained the reason for the +blow. Muriel thought deeply for a moment. Then, turning toward the +door with a grave and disapproving countenance, she announced in +her clear little English voice:</p> +<p>"I'm going up-stairs to tell God about that paper-knife. And +then I shall tell Jesus. And if <i>that</i> doesn't do, I shall put +flannel on my legs!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>During the reconstruction days of Virginia, a negro was +convicted of murdering his wife and sentenced to be hanged. On the +morning of the execution he mounted the scaffold with reasonable +calmness. Just before the noose was to be placed around his neck +the sheriff asked him if he had anything to say. He studied a +moment and said:</p> +<p>"No, suh, boss, thankee, suh, 'ceptin' dis is sho gwine to be a +lesson to me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What punishment did that defaulting banker get?" "I understand +his lawyer charged him $40,000."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Indian in Washington County once sized up Maine's game laws +thus: "Kill cow moose, pay $100; kill man, too bad!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TEACHER—"Willie, did your father cane you for what you did +in school yesterday?"</p> +<p>PUPIL—"No, ma'am; he said the licking would hurt him more +than it would me."</p> +<p>TEACHER—"What rot! Your father is too sympathetic."</p> +<p>PUPIL—"No, ma'am; but he's got the rheumatism in both +arms."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny.</p> +<p>"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked +comfortingly.</p> +<p>"Boohoo—er—p-picture fell on papa's toes."</p> +<p>"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you +know."</p> +<p>"I d-d-didn't. I laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public +schools of Chicago is what led Bobby's teacher to address this note +to the boy's mother:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>DEAR MADAM:—I regret very much to have to tell you that +your son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome, +and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons. He +needs a good whipping and I strongly recommend that you give him +one.</p> +<p class="author">Yours truly, <br /> +Miss Blank.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>To this Bobby's mother responded as follows:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>Dear Miss Blanks—Lick him yourself. I ain't mad at +him.</p> +<p class="author">Yours truly, <br /> +Mrs. Dash.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched +his father under the knee. "Willie, you bad boy! How dare you do +that?" asked the parent wrathfully.</p> +<p>A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who +started this war, anyway?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told +to sit on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a +punishment for something she had done but a few minutes before.</p> +<p>Soon the silence was broken by the little one's question: +"Mother, may I come down now?"</p> +<p>"No, you sit right where you are."</p> +<p>"All right, 'cause I'm sittin' on your best hat."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is less to suffer punishment than to deserve +it.—<i>Ovid</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he +would soon be out of thunderbolts.—<i>Ovid</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Church discipline; Future life; Marriage.</p> +<a name="H523" id="H523"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PUNS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A father once said to his son,</p> +<p class="i2">"The next time you make up a pun,</p> +<p class="i4">Go out in the yard</p> +<p class="i4">And kick yourself hard,</p> +<p class="i2">And I will begin when you've done."</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H524" id="H524"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>PURE FOOD</h3> +<p>Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a +darky complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not +good.</p> +<p>"The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper.</p> +<p>"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. "Dat ham's shore +bad."</p> +<p>"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured +only a week?"</p> +<p>The darky scratched his head reflectively, and finally +suggested: "Den, mebbe it's had a relapse."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On a recent trip to Germany, Doctor Harvey Wiley, the pure-food +expert, heard an allegory with reference to the subject of food +adulteration which, he contends, should cause Americans to +congratulate themselves that things are so well ordered in this +respect in the United States.</p> +<p>The German allegory was substantially as follows:</p> +<p>Four flies, which had made their way into a certain pantry, +determined to have a feast.</p> +<p>One flew to the sugar and ate heartily; but soon died, for the +sugar was full of white lead.</p> +<p>The second chose the flour as his diet, but he fared no better, +for the flour was loaded with plaster of Paris.</p> +<p>The third sampled the syrup, but his six legs were presently +raised in the air, for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes.</p> +<p>The fourth fly, seeing all his friends dead, determined to end +his life also, and drank deeply of the fly-poison which he found in +a convenient saucer.</p> +<p>He is still alive and in good health. That, too, was +adulterated.</p> +<a name="H525" id="H525"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>QUARRELS</h3> +<p>"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the +would-be cook.</p> +<p>"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the +master an' the missus used to quarrel, mum."</p> +<p>"Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to +quarrel?"</p> +<p>"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me +an' her."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I hear ye had words with Casey."</p> +<p>"We had no words."</p> +<p>"Then nothing passed between ye?"</p> +<p>"Nothing but one brick."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There had been a wordy falling-out between Mrs. Halloran and +Mrs. Donohue; there had been words; nay, more, there had been +language. Mrs. Halloran had gone to church early in the morning, +had fulfilled the duties of her religion, and was returning primly +home, when Mrs. Donohue spied her, and, still smouldering with +volcanic fire, sent a broadside of lava at Mrs. Halloran. The +latter heard, flushed, opened her lips—and then suddenly +checked herself. After a moment she spoke: "Mrs. Donohue, I've just +been to church, and I'm in a state of grace. But, plaze Hivin, the +next time I meet yez, I won't be, and thin I'll till yez what I +think of yez!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there +is no battle unless there be two.—<i>Seneca</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Marriage; Servants</p> +<a name="H526" id="H526"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>QUESTIONS</h3> +<p>The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she +remembers.—<i>Wasp</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the +twelve-twenty train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. +The ensuing handicap was watched with absorbed interest both from +the train and the station platform. At its conclusion the +breathless and perspiring knight of the road wearily took the back +trail, and a vacant-faced "red-cap" came out to relieve him of his +grip.</p> +<p>"Mister," he inquired, "was you tryin' to ketch that +Pennsylvania train?"</p> +<p>"No, my son," replied the patient man. "No; I was merely chasing +it out of the yard."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying +questions they made it a rule that the one who asked a question +that he could not answer himself had to do the cooking.</p> +<p>One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys +asked: "Why is it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at +the mouth of its burrow?"</p> +<p>They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it +himself.</p> +<p>"Why," he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other +end of the hole."</p> +<p>"But," one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the +hole?"</p> +<p>"Well," was the reply, "that's your question."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a +certain question either in the negative or affirmative.</p> +<p>"I cannot do it," said the witness. "There are some questions +that cannot be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no,' as any one +knows."</p> +<p>"I defy you to give an example to the court," thundered the +lawyer.</p> +<p>The retort came like a flash: "Are you still beating your +wife?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Officers have a right to ask questions in the performance of +their duty, but there are occasions when it seems as if they might +curtail or forego the privilege. Not long ago an Irishman whose +hand had been badly mangled in an accident entered the Boston City +Hospital relief station in a great hurry. He stepped up to the man +in charge and inquired:</p> +<p>"Is this the relief station, sor?"</p> +<p>"Yes. What is your name?"</p> +<p>"Patrick O'Connor, sor."</p> +<p>"Are you married?" questioned the officer.</p> +<p>"Yis, sor, but is this the relief station?" He was nursing his +hand in agony.</p> +<p>"Of course it is. How many children have you?"</p> +<p>"Eight, sor. But sure, this is the relief station?"</p> +<p>"Yes, it is," replied the officer, a little angry at the man's +persistence.</p> +<p>"Well," said Patrick, "sure, an' I was beginning to think that +it might be the pumping station."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The sages say, Dame Truth delights to dwell</p> +<p class="i2">(Strange Mansion!) in the bottom of a well:</p> +<p class="i2">Questions are then the Windlass and the rope</p> +<p class="i2">That pull the grave old Gentlewoman up.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>John Wolcott</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Curiosity.</p> +<a name="H527" id="H527"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>QUOTATIONS</h3> +<p>Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause +to be anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to +telegraph the result. The boy sent the following message to his +parent: "Hymn 342, fifth verse, last two lines."</p> +<p>Looking it up the father found the words: "Sorrow vanquished, +labor ended, Jordan passed."</p> +<a name="H528" id="H528"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RACE PREJUDICES</h3> +<p>A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion +by the recital of a dream had by a member of the church.</p> +<p>"I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was +in ole Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a bad +dream!"</p> +<p>"Was dere any white men dere?" asked the dusky divine.</p> +<p>"Shore dere was—plenty of 'em," the other hastened to +assure his minister "What was dey a-doin'?"</p> +<p>"Ebery one of 'em," was the answer, "was a-holdin' a cullud +pusson between him an' de fire!"</p> +<a name="H529" id="H529"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RACE PRIDE</h3> +<p>Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in +Huntsville, Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one +of the services an old negro woman pushed her way up through the +crowd to the edge of the pulpit platform. Sam took the perspiring +black hand that was held out to him, and heard the old woman say: +"Brudder Jones, you sho' is a finepreacher! Yes, suh; de Lord bless +you. You's des everybody's preacher. You's de white folks' +preacher, and de niggers' preacher, and everybody's preacher. +Brudder Jones, yo' skin's white, but, thank de Lord, yo' heart's +des as black as any nigger's!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Irishman and a Jew were discussing the great men who had +belonged toeach race and, as may be expected, got into a heated +argument. Finally the Irishman said:</p> +<p>"Ikey, listen. For ivery great Jew ye can name ye may pull out +one of me whiskers, an' for ivery great Irishman I can name I'll +pull one of yours. Is it a go?"</p> +<p>They consented, and Pat reached over, got hold of a whisker, +said, "Robert Emmet,' and pulled.</p> +<p>"Moses!" said the Jew, and pulled one of Pat's tenderest.</p> +<p>"Dan O'Connell," said Pat and took another.</p> +<p>"Abraham," said Ikey, helping himself again.</p> +<p>"Patrick Henry," returned Pat with a vicious yank.</p> +<p>"The Twelve Apostles," said the Jew, taking a handful of +whiskers.</p> +<p>Pat emitted a roar of pain, grasped the Jew's beard with both +hands, and yelled, "The ancient Order of Hibernians!"</p> +<a name="H530" id="H530"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RACE SUICIDE</h3> +<p>"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?"</p> +<p>"Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent +me a flat."</p> +<p>"Well, that is his privilege."</p> +<p>"But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The +Roosevelt.'"</p> +<a name="H531" id="H531"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RACES</h3> +<p>In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of +mankind?" a Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, +the quartermile,the mile, and the three miles."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a +green handwho had just been put on the job, "keep your eyes open. +When you see a train coming throw down your tools and jump off the +track. Run like blazes."</p> +<p>"Sure!" said Thomas, and began to swing his pick. In a few +moments the Empire State Express came whirling along. Thomas threw +down his pick and started up the track ahead of the train as fast +as he could run. The train overtook him and tossed him into a +ditch. Badly shaken up he was taken to the hospital, where the +foreman visited him.</p> +<p>"You blithering idiot," said the foreman, "didn't I tell you to +get out of the road? Didn't I tell you to take care and get out of +the way? Why didn't you run up the side of the hill?"</p> +<p>"Up the soide of the hill is it, sor?" said Thomas through the +bandages on his face. "Up the soide of the hill? Be the powers, I +couldn't bate it on the level, let alone runnin' uphill!"</p> +<a name="H532" id="H532"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RAILROADS</h3> +<p>"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, +"des look at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de +state, ter dem folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter +deserve sich a dispensation!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building +that is commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad +station in America. It is of this station that the story is told +that an old farmer was expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, +and he sent one of his hands, a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving +there the man saw the house, loaded it on to his wagon and started +for home. On the way he met a man in uniform with the words +"Station Agent" on his cap.</p> +<p>"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked.</p> +<p>"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply.</p> +<p>"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's +thestation!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I read of the terrible vengeance inflicted upon one of their +members by a band of robbers in Mississippi last week."</p> +<p>"What did they do? Shoot him?"</p> +<p>"No; they tied him upon the railroad tracks."</p> +<p>"Awful! And he was ground to pieces, I suppose?"</p> +<p>"Nothing like it. The poor fellow starved to death waiting for +the nexttrain."—<i>W. Dayton Wegefarth</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The reporter who had accompanied the special train to the scene +of the wreck, hurried down the embankment and found a man who had +one arm in a sling, a bandage over one eye, his front teeth gone, +and his nose knocked four points to starboard, sitting on a piece +of the locomotive and surveying the horrible ruin all about +him.</p> +<p>"Can you give me some particulars of this accident?" asked the +reporter, taking out his notebook.</p> +<p>"I haven't heard of any accident, young man," replied the +disfigured party stiffly.</p> +<p>He was one of the directors of the railroad.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Hon. John Sharp Williams had an engagement to speak in a +small southern town. The train he was traveling on was not of the +swiftest, and he lost no opportunity of keeping the conductor +informed as to his opinions of that particular road.</p> +<p>"Well, if yer don't like it," the conductor finally blurted out, +"why in thunder don't yer git out an' walk?"</p> +<p>"I would," Mr. Williams blandly replied, "but you see the +committee doesn't expect me until this train gets in."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"We were bounding along," said a recent traveler on a local +South African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven +miles an hour, and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected +every moment to see my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers +were rolling from oneend of the car to the other. I held on firmly +to the arms of the seat. Presently we settled down a bit quieter; +at least, I could keep my hat on, and my teeth didn't +chatter."There was a quiet looking man opposite me. I looked up +with a ghastly smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:</p> +<p>"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'</p> +<p>"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent +train service each had in his special locality: one was from the +west, one from New England, and the other from New York. The former +two had told of marvelous doings of trains, and it is distinctly +"up" to the man from New York.</p> +<p>"Now in New York," he said, "we not only run our trains fast, +but we also start them fast. I remember the case of a friend of +mine whose wife went to see him off for the west on the +Pennsylvania at Jersey City. As the train was about to start my +friend said his final good-by to his wife, and leaned down from the +car platform to kiss her. The train started, and, would you believe +it, my friend found himself kissing a strange woman on the platform +at Trenton!"</p> +<p>And the other men gave it up.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Say, young man," asked an old lady at the ticket-office, "what +time does the next train pull in here and how long does it +stay?"</p> +<p>"From two to two to two-two," was the curt reply.</p> +<p>"Well, I declare! Be you the whistle?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An express on the Long Island Railroad was tearing away at a +wild and awe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour, when all of a +sudden it stopped altogether. Most of the passengers did not notice +the difference; but one of them happened to be somewhat anxious to +reach his destination before old age claimed him for its own. He +put his head through the window to find that the cause of the stop +was a cow on the track. After a while they continued the journey +for half an hour or so, and then—another stop.</p> +<p>"What's wrong now?" asked the impatient passenger of the +conductor.</p> +<p>"A cow on the track."</p> +<p>"But I thought you drove it off."</p> +<p>"So we did," said the conductor, "but we caught up with it +again."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The president of one great southern railway pulled into a +southern city in his private car. It was also the terminal of a +competing road, and the private car of the president of the other +line was on a side track. There was great rivalry between these two +lines, which extended from the president of each down to the most +humble employe. In the evening the colored cook from one of the +cars wandered over to pass the time of day with the cook on the +other car.</p> +<p>One of these roads had recently had an appalling list of +accidents, and the death-toll was exceptionally high. The cook from +this road sauntered up to the back platform of the private car, and +after an interchange of courtesies said:</p> +<p>"Well, how am youh ole jerkwatah railroad these days? Am you +habbing prosper's times?"</p> +<p>"Man," said the other, "we-all am so prosperous that if we was +any moah prosperous we just naturally couldn't stand hit."</p> +<p>"Hough!" said the other, "we-all am moah prosperous than +you-all."</p> +<p>"Man," said the other, "we dun carry moah'n a million passengers +last month."</p> +<p>"Foah de Lord's sake!" ejaculated the first negro. "You-all +carried moah'n a million passengers? Go on with you, nigger; we dun +kill moah passengers than you carry."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was on a little branch railway in a southern state that the +New England woman ventured to refer to the high rates.</p> +<p>"It seems to me five cents a mile is extortion," she said, with +frankness, to her southern cousin.</p> +<p>"It's a big lot of money to pay if you think of it by the mile," +said the southerner, in her soft drawl; "but you just think how +cheap it is by the hour, Cousin Annie—only about thirty-five +cents."—<i>Youth's</i> Companion.</p> +<a name="H533" id="H533"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RAPID TRANSIT</h3> +<p>One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was +walking down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of +ice under the snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began +to slide and was unable to stop.</p> +<p>At a cross-street half-way down the decline he encountered a +large, heavy woman, with her arms full of bundles. The meeting was +sudden, and before either realized it a collision ensued and both +were sliding down hill, a grand ensemble—the thin man +underneath, the fat woman and bundles on top. When the bottom was +reached and the woman was trying in vain to recover her breath and +her feet, these faint words were borne to her ear:</p> +<p>"Pardon me, madam, but you will have to get off here. This is as +far as I go."</p> +<a name="H534" id="H534"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>READING</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Books and Reading.</p> +<a name="H535" id="H535"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REAL ESTATE AGENTS</h3> +<p>Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little +fib."</p> +<p>ANITA—"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the +same as a lie."</p> +<p>NELLY—"No, it is not."</p> +<p>ANITA—"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my +father is a professor at the university."</p> +<p>NELLY—"I don't care if he is. My father is a real estate +man, and he knows more about lying than your father does."</p> +<a name="H536" id="H536"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REALISM</h3> +<p>The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole +Olson, who later became the little town's mayor.</p> +<p>"One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, +and breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his +knees yelled, 'Yon, Yon, hide me, hide me! Ye sheriff's after +me!'</p> +<p>"'I've no place to hide you here, Ole,' said I.</p> +<p>"'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole.</p> +<p>"'Crawl into that gunny-sack then,' said I.</p> +<p>"He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff.</p> +<p>"'Seen Ole?' said he.</p> +<p>"'Don't see him here,' said I, without lyin'.</p> +<p>"Then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted +the gunny-sack over in the corner.</p> +<p>"'What's in here?' said he.</p> +<p>"'Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells,' said I.</p> +<p>"With that he gives it an awful boot.</p> +<p>"'Yingle, yingle, yingle!' moaned Ole."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MOTHER—"Tommy, if you're pretending to be an automobile, I +wish you'd run over to the store and get me some butter."</p> +<p>TOMMY—"I'm awful sorry, Mother, but I'm all out of +gasoline."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Children," said the teacher, instructing the class in +composition, "you should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply +be yourselves and write what is in you. Do not imitate any other +person's writings or draw inspiration from outside sources."</p> +<p>As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following +composition: "We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write +what is in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two +apples, one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my +dinner."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of +art," says a New York artist, "and it must be confessed that some +ground has been given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my +notice a picture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so +careful was he of all the details that the towels hanging up were +all marked 'Nebuchadnezzar' in the corner, in cuneiform +characters."</p> +<a name="H537" id="H537"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RECALL</h3> +<p>SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER—"Johnny, what is the text from +Judges?"</p> +<p>JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in +Washington for six years."</p> +<p>"I don't know about that. My state has the recall."</p> +<a name="H538" id="H538"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RECOMMENDATIONS</h3> +<p>A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for +swindling. In acquitting them the court, with great severity, +said:</p> +<p>"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone +wishes to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to +me."</p> +<p>Next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available +medium with the following, well displayed: "Reference as to +probity, by special permission, the Lord Chief Justice of +England."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MISTRESS—"Have you a reference?"</p> +<p>BRIDGET—"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got +it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his +gardener for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, +however, he gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I +hereby certify that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, +and that during that time he got more out of the garden than any +man I ever employed."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of +working out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of +a rather sheepish young man caused her mistress much +apprehension.</p> +<p>"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting +married?"</p> +<p>"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blushing.</p> +<p>"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"</p> +<p>"Yes'm he's the one."</p> +<p>"But you have only known him a few days."</p> +<p>"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha.</p> +<p>"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking +such an important step?"</p> +<p>"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some +new feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know +was engaged to him for a long while."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship +bound for America and asked permission to work their passage over. +The captain consented, but asked the Irishman for references and +let the Englishman go on without them. This made the Irishman angry +and he planned to get even.</p> +<p>One day when they were washing off the deck, the Englishman +leaned far over the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to +haul it up when a huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The +Irishman stopped scrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the +Englishman had disappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps +yez remember whin I shipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for +riferences and let the Englishman come on widout thim?"</p> +<p>The Captain said: "Yes, I remember."</p> +<p>"Well, ye've been decaved," said the Irishman; "he's gone off +wid yer pail!"</p> +<a name="H539" id="H539"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RECONCILIATIONS</h3> +<p>"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing."</p> +<p>"Why don't you make up?"</p> +<p>"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity."</p> +<a name="H540" id="H540"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REFORMERS</h3> +<p>LOUISE—"The man that Edith married is a reformer."</p> +<p>JULIA—"How did he lose his money?"—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want +land reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want +educational reform, I want—"</p> +<p>And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The young woman sat before her glass and gazed long and +earnestly at the reflection there. She screwed up her face in many +ways. She fluffed her hair and then smoothed it down again; she +raised her eyes and lowered them; she showed her teeth and she +pressed her lips tightly together. At last she got up, with a weary +sigh, and said:</p> +<p>"It's no use. I'll be some kind of reformer."</p> +<a name="H541" id="H541"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REGRETS</h3> +<p>A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor, +telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by +post."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his +correspondence the following reply to a dinner invitation: "Mrs. +—— presents her compliments to Lord Houghton. Her +husband died on Tuesday, otherwise he would have been delighted to +dine with Lord Houghton on Thursday next."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young woman prominent in the social set of an Ohio town tells +of a young man there who had not familiarized himself with the +forms of polite correspondence to the fullest extent. When, on one +occasion, he found it necessary to decline an invitation, he did so +in the following terms:</p> +<p>"Mr. Henry Blank declines with pleasure Mrs. Wood's invitation +for the nineteenth, and thanks her extremely for having given him +the opportunity of doing so."</p> +<a name="H542" id="H542"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<div class="stanza"> +<h3>REHEARSALS</h3> +<p>The funeral procession was moving along the village street when +Uncle Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," +said Uncle Abe, "who they buryin' today?"</p> +<p>"Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper.</p> +<p>"Sho," said Uncle Abe. "Tite Harrison, hey? Is Tite dead?"</p> +<p>"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped the +storekeeper.</p> +<a name="H543" id="H543"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RELATIVES</h3> +<p>"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose +one's relatives."</p> +<p>"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is +impossible!"</p> +<a name="H544" id="H544"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RELIGIONS</h3> +<p>When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip +to Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might +discover some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful +of it, Bishop Brooks," remarked a listening friend; "it may be +difficult to get your new religion through the Custom House."</p> +<p>"I guess not," replied the Bishop, laughingly, "for we may take +it for granted that any new religion popular enough to import will +have no duties attached to it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a recent conference of Baptists, Methodists, and English +Friends, in the city of Chengtu, China, two Chinamen were heard +discussing the three denominations. One of them said to the +other:</p> +<p>"They say these denominations have different beliefs. Just what +is the difference between them?"</p> +<p>"Oh," said the other, "Not much! Big washee, little washee, no +washee, that is all."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A recent book on Russia relates the story of the anger of the +Apostle John because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his +ikon, but honored, instead, the ikon of Apostle Peter in St. John's +own church. The two apostles talked it over as they walked the +fields near Kieff, and Apostle John decided to send a terrible +storm to destroy the just ripe corn of the peasant. His decision +was carried out, and the next day he met Apostle Peter and boasted +of his punishing wrath.</p> +<p>And Apostle Peter only laughed. "Ai, yi, yi, Apostle John," he +said, "what a mess you've made of it. I stepped around, saw my +friend, and told him what you were going to do, so he sold his corn +to the priest of your church."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The priest of a New York parish met one of his parishioners, who +had long been out of work, and asked him whether he had found +anything to do. The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and +replied:</p> +<p>"Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an' a foine job too! Oi'm gettin' +three dollars a day fur pullin' down a Prodesant church!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one +night, but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the +grasp of a policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. +I'm a somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care +what your religion is—yer can't walk the streets in yer +nightshirt."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is +proof against differences in race and religion. Each distinguished +for his learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in +chaffing each other. They were seated opposite each other at a +banquet where some delicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly +made comments upon its flavor. Presently he leaned forward and in a +voice that carried far, he addressed his friend:</p> +<p>"Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat +ham?"</p> +<p>"At your wedding, Father Kelly," retorted the rabbi.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the +narrow-minded</p> +<p>see only their differences.—<i>Chinese Proverb</i>.</p> +<a name="H545" id="H545"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REMEDIES</h3> +<p>MISTRESS—"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, +Bridget?"</p> +<p>MAID—"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SUFFERER—"I have a terrible toothache and want something +to cure it."</p> +<p>FRIEND—"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a +toothache yesterday and I went home and my loving wife kissed me +and so consoled me that the pain soon passed away. Why don't you +try the same?"</p> +<p>SUFFERER—"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">For every ill beneath the sun</p> +<p class="i2">There is some remedy or none;</p> +<p class="i2">If there be one, resolve to find it;</p> +<p class="i2">If not, submit, and never mind it.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H546" id="H546"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REMINDERS</h3> +<p>The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast:</p> +<p>"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier, +countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. +You'll be sure to remember?"</p> +<p>The tired eyes of the harassed, shabby promoter lit up with joy. +He seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in +a corner, and going to his wife, he said:</p> +<p>"Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won't forget!"</p> +<a name="H547" id="H547"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REPARTEE</h3> +<p>Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the +next morning.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an +Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking +that he would get ahead of Pat, said: "Say, Pat, how many shirts +can you get out of a yard?"</p> +<p>"That depends," answered Pat, "on whose yard you get into."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the +Grand Central Station in New York the other day.</p> +<p>"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to +Central Park."</p> +<p>The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment.</p> +<p>"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't +want you ever, <i>ever</i> to ask me again."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SEEDY VISITOR— "Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?"</p> +<p>BOATMAN—"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen +this season."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>HER DAD—"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a +stupid fool."</p> +<p>HER SUITOR—"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her +off your hands?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in +with a car full of ministers returning from a convention. One of +the ministers, a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very +cordial to the opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to +embarrass Mr. Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he +said:</p> +<p>"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?"</p> +<p>"Yes," answered the great abolitionist.</p> +<p>"And you are trying to free the niggers, aren't you?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sir; I am."</p> +<p>"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you +go over into Kentucky?"</p> +<p>"Excuse me, are you a preacher?"</p> +<p>"I am, sir."</p> +<p>"Are you trying to save souls from hell?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sir; that is my business."</p> +<p>"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SOLEMN SENIOR—"So your efforts to get on the team were +fruitless, were they?"</p> +<p>FOOLISH FRESHMAN—"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a +lemon."—<i>Harvard Lampoon</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing +rock from a shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his +bare head.</p> +<p>"My dear man," observed the onlooker, "are you not afraid that +your brain will be affected in the hot sun?"</p> +<p>The laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied:</p> +<p>"Do you think a man with any brains would be working at this +kind of a job?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Winston Churchill, the young English statesman, recently began +to raise a mustache, and while it was still in the budding stage he +was asked at a dinner party to take in to dinner an English girl +who had decided opposing political views.</p> +<p>"I am sorry," said Mr. Churchill, "we cannot agree on +politics."</p> +<p>"No, we can't," rejoined the girl, "for to be frank with you I +like your politics about as little as I do your mustache."</p> +<p>"Well," replied Mr. Churchill, "remember that you are not likely +to come into contact with either."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Strickland Gillilan, the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted +into fame by his "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in, Finnigin" verses, was about +to deliver a lecture in a small Missouri town. He asked the +chairman of the committee whether he might have a small pitcher of +ice-water on the platform table.</p> +<p>"To drink?" queried the committeeman.</p> +<p>"No," answered Gillilan. "I do a high-diving act."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TRAVELER—"Say, boy, your corn looks kind of yellow."</p> +<p>BOY—"Yes, sir. That's the kind we planted."</p> +<p>TRAVELER—"Looks as though you will only have half a +crop."</p> +<p>BOY—"Don't expect any more. The landlord gets the other +half."</p> +<p>TRAVELER (after a moment's thought)—"Say, there is not +much difference between you and a fool."</p> +<p>BOY—"No, sir. Only the fence."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>President Lincoln was busily engaged in his office when an +attendant, a young man of sixteen, unceremoniously entered and gave +him a card. Without rising, the President glanced at the card. +"Pshaw. She here again? I told her last week that I could not +interfere in her case. I cannot see her," he said impatiently. "Get +rid of her any way you can. Tell her I am asleep, or anything you +like."</p> +<p>Quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent room, this +exceedingly bright boy said to her, "The President told me to tell +you that he is asleep."</p> +<p>The lady's eyes sparkled as she responded, "Ah, he says he is +asleep, eh? Well, will you be kind enough to return and ask him +when he intends to wake up?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The garrulous old lady in the stern of the boat had pestered the +guide with her comments and questions ever since they had started. +Her meek little husband, who was hunched toad-like in the bow, +fished in silence. The old lady had seemingly exhausted every +possible point in fish and animal life, woodcraft, and personal +history when she suddenly espied one of those curious paths of +oily, unbroken water frequently seen on small lakes which are +ruffled by a light breeze.</p> +<p>"Oh, guide, guide," she exclaimed, "what makes that funny streak +in the water—No, there—Right over there!"</p> +<p>The guide was busy re-baiting the old gentleman's hook and +merely mumbled "U-m-mm."</p> +<p>"Guide," repeated the old lady in tones that were not to be +denied, "look right over there where I'm pointing and tell me what +makes that funny streak in the water."</p> +<p>The guide looked up from his baiting with a sigh.</p> +<p>"That? Oh, that's where the road went across the ice last +winter."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Nothing more clearly expresses the sentiments of Harvard men in +seasons of athletic rivalry than the time-honored "To hell with +Yale!"</p> +<p>Once when Dean Briggs, of Harvard, and Edward Everett Hale were +on their way to a game at Soldiers' Field a friend asked:</p> +<p>"Where are you going, Dean?"</p> +<p>"To yell with Hale," answered Briggs with a meaning smile.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>John Kendrick Bangs one day called up his wife on the telephone. +The maid at the other end did not recognize her "master's voice," +and after Bangs had told her whom he wanted the maid asked:</p> +<p>"Do you wish to speak with Mrs. Bangs?"</p> +<p>"No, indeed," replied the humorist; "I want to kiss her."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A boy took a position in an office where two different +telephones were installed.</p> +<p>"Your wife would like to speak to you on the 'phone, sir," he +said to his employer.</p> +<p>"Which one?" inquired the boss, starting toward the two +booths.</p> +<p>"Please, sir, she didn't say, and I didn't know that you had +more than one."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Englishman was being shown the sights along the Potomac. +"Here," remarked the American, "is where George Washington threw a +dollar across the river."</p> +<p>"Well," replied the Englishman, "that is not very remarkable, +for a dollar went much further in those days than it does now."</p> +<p>The American would not be worsted, so, after a short pause, he +said: "But Washington accomplished a greater feat than that. He +once chucked a sovereign across the Atlantic."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Pat was busy on a road working with his coat off. There were two +Englishmen laboring on the same road, so they decided to have a +joke with the Irishman. They painted a donkey's head on the back of +Pat's coat, and watched to see him put it on. Pat, of course, saw +the donkey's head on his coat, and, turning to the Englishmen, +said:</p> +<p>"Which of yez wiped your face on me coat?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A district leader went to Sea Girt, in 1912, to see the +Democratic candidate for President. In the course of an animated +conversation, the leader, noticing that Governor Wilson's +eyeglasses were perched perilously near the tip of his nose +remarked: "Your glasses, Governor, are almost on your mouth."</p> +<p>"That's all right," was the quick response. "I want to see what +I'm talking about."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>According to the London <i>Globe</i> two Germans were halted at +the French frontier by the customs officers. "We have each to +declare three bottles of red wine," said one of the Germans to the +<i>douaniers</i>. "How much to pay?"</p> +<p>"Where are the bottles?" asked the customs man.</p> +<p>"They are within!" laughed the Teuton making a gesture.</p> +<p>The French <i>douanier</i>, unruffled, took down his tariff book +and read, or pretended to read: "Wines imported in bottles pay so +much, wines imported in barrels pay so much, and wines <i>en peaux +d'âne</i> pay no duty. You can pass, gentlemen."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A small boy was hoeing corn in a sterile field by the roadside, +when a passer-by stopped and said:</p> +<p>"'Pears to me your corn is rather small."</p> +<p>"Certainly," said the boy; "it's dwarf corn."</p> +<p>"But it looks yaller."</p> +<p>"Certainly; we planted the yaller kind."</p> +<p>"But it looks as if you wouldn't get more than half a crop."</p> +<p>"Of course not; we planted it on halves."</p> +<a name="H548" id="H548"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REPORTING</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Journalism; Newspapers.</p> +<a name="H549" id="H549"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REPUBLICAN PARTY</h3> +<p>The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in +Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally +well-known Democrat:</p> +<p>"I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last +night."</p> +<p>"Oh, yes," said the Democrat genially, "one waited on me."</p> +<a name="H550" id="H550"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REPUTATION</h3> +<p>Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they +ought to, but really can't.—<i>Frank Richardson</i>.</p> +<a name="H551" id="H551"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RESEMBLANCES</h3> +<p>Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the +local pride of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He +also has the prejudice against being taken for an Indianian which +seems inherent in all native-born Kentuckians. While coming to +Congress, several sessions ago, he was approached in the Pullman +coach by a New Yorker, who, after bowing politely to him, said:</p> +<p>"Is not this Senator Blackburn of Indiana?"</p> +<p>The Kentuckian sprang from his seat, and glaring at his +interlocutor exclaimed angrily:</p> +<p>"No, sir, by ——. The reason I look so bad is I have +been sick!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles," said Mr. +Meekins.</p> +<p>"Well," answered his wife, "it may not be exactly polite, but it +shows he has a sense of humor."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mark Twain constantly received letters and photographs from men +who had been told that they looked like him. One was from Florida, +and the likeness, as shown by the man's picture, was really +remarkable so remarkable, indeed, that Mr. Clemens sent the +following acknowledgment:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"My Dear Sir: I thank you very much for your letter and the +photograph. In my opinion you are certainly more like me than any +other of my doubles. In fact, I am sure that if you stood before me +in a mirrorless frame I could shave by you."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>NEIGHBOR: "Johnny, I think in looks you favor your mother a +great deal."</p> +<p>JOHNNY: "Well. I may look like her, but do you tink dat's a +favor?"</p> +<a name="H552" id="H552"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RESIGNATION</h3> +<p>"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the +minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting.</p> +<p>"No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on +the subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't resigned +yet."</p> +<a name="H553" id="H553"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RESPECTABILITY</h3> +<p>"Is he respectable?"'</p> +<p>"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than +stealing a railroad."—<i>Wasp</i>.</p> +<a name="H554" id="H554"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REST CURE</h3> +<p>A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and +with a pair of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back +door in Wyoming and asked for light housework. She said that her +name was Lizzie, and explained that she had been ill with typhoid +and was convalescing.</p> +<p>"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the +house. "Where have you been?"</p> +<p>"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch," replied Lizzie, +"diggin' post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back."</p> +<a name="H555" id="H555"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RETALIATION</h3> +<p>You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always +comin' up and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are +ye?'"</p> +<p>"I know him."</p> +<p>"I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me—some of them +clear Havanny—but I'll get even with him now."</p> +<p>"How will you do it?"</p> +<p>"I'll tell ye. Jim always hits me over the vest pocket where I +carry my cigars. He'll hit me just once more. There's no cigar in +me vest pocket this mornin'. Instead of it, there's a stick of +dynamite, d'ye mind!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent +political speech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock. It +was done to perfection and the audience was convulsed with +laughter. The great orator's friends felt uneasy as to his +reception of the interruption.</p> +<p>But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm. He stopped speaking, +listened till the crowing ceased, and while the audience was +laughing he pulled out his watch. Then he said: "That's strange. My +watch says it is only ten o'clock. But there can't be any mistake +about it. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower +animals are absolutely infallible."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable church in one of +Boston's most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with the +innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had +his name left out of the telephone book. A prominent merchant of +the same name, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed +by requests to officiate at funerals and baptisms. He went to the +rector, told his troubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to +have his name put in the directory. But without success.</p> +<p>The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone +company. As he was writing the letter, one Saturday evening, the +telephone rang and the timid voice of a young man asked if the Rev. +Mr. Blank would marry him at once. A happy thought came to the +merchant: "No, I'm too damn busy writing my sermon," he +replied.</p> +<a name="H5551" id="H5551"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REVOLUTIONS</h3> +<p>Haiti was in the midst of a revolution.</p> +<p>As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so +that a third was about to be caught between them.</p> +<p>The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the +right government troops, on the left insurgents.</p> +<p>"General, why do you not give the order to fire?" asked an aide, +dashing up on a lame mule.</p> +<p>"I would like to," responded the general, "but, Great Scott! I +can't remember which side we're fighting for."</p> +<a name="H556" id="H556"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>REWARDS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Said a great Congregational preacher</p> +<p class="i2">To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature."</p> +<p class="i4">And the hen, just for that,</p> +<p class="i4">Laid an egg in his hat,</p> +<p class="i2">And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H557" id="H557"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>RHEUMATISM</h3> +<p>FARMER BARNES—"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell +when it's going to rain, ye know."</p> +<p>MRS. BARNES—"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never +heard o' such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye +th' rheumatis for?"—<i>Tit-Bits</i>.</p> +<a name="H558" id="H558"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ROADS</h3> +<p>A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an +Englishman, and the latter complained of the mud in America.</p> +<p>"Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over +here."</p> +<p>"Nonsense!" said the Englishman.</p> +<p>"Fact," the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a +remarkable adventure—came near getting into trouble with an +old gentleman—all through your confounded mud."</p> +<p>"Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I +admit," said the Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?"</p> +<p>"Well," said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed +that the mud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat +on a large puddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some one a +kindness, I gave the hat a poke with my stick, when an old +gentleman looked up from beneath, surprised and frowning. 'Hello!' +I said. 'You're in pretty deep!' 'Deeper than you think,' he said. +'I'm on the top of an omnibus!'"</p> +<a name="H559" id="H559"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ROASTS</h3> +<p>As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham +hotel he was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole +of the meal, stood with his back to the fire warming himself and +watching Faversham eat. At length, unable to endure it any longer, +Mr. Faversham rang the bell and said:</p> +<p>"Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around. I think he is done +on that side."</p> +<a name="H560" id="H560"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ROOSEVELT, THEODORE</h3> +<p>A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster +Bay some years ago, while he was president. The host met them with +coat and collar off, mopping his brow.</p> +<p>"Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. +But I'm very busy putting in my hay just now. Come down to the barn +with me and we'll talk things over while I work."</p> +<p>Down to the barn hustled President and delegation.</p> +<p>Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and—but where was the +hay?</p> +<p>"John!" shouted the President. "John! where's all the hay?"</p> +<p>"Sorry, sir," came John's voice from the loft, "but I ain't had +time to throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday's +delegation."</p> +<a name="H561" id="H561"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SALARIES</h3> +<p>A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the +bank. The teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, +saying, "I hope you're not afraid of microbes."</p> +<p>"Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe +could live on my salary!"—<i>Frances Kirkland</i>.</p> +<a name="H562" id="H562"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP</h3> +<p>A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that +reads:</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="center">Watermelons</p> +<p class="center">Our choice . . . . . . . . . . 25 cents.</p> +<p class="center">Your choice. . . . . . . . . . 35 cents.</p> +<p>—<i>Elgin Burroughs</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a +well-known merchant was severely tested one day. He sent in his +card by the office-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose +inner office was separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass +partition. When the boy handed his card to the manager the salesman +saw him impatiently tear it in half and throw it in the +waste-basket; the boy came out and told the caller that he could +not see the chief. The salesman told the boy to go back and get him +his card; the boy brought out five cents, with the message that his +card was torn up. Then the salesman took out another card and sent +the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards for five +cents."</p> +<p>He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest +styles in derbies. He was evidently hard to please, for soon the +counter was covered with hats that he had tried on and found +wanting. At last the salesman picked up a brown derby, brushed it +off on his sleeve, and extended it admiringly.</p> +<p>"These are being very much worn this season, sir," he said. +"Won't you try it on?"</p> +<p>The customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in +the mirror. "You're sure it's in style?"</p> +<p>"The most fashionable thing we have in the shop, sir. And it +suits you to perfection—if the fit's right."</p> +<p>"Yes, it fits very well. So you think I had better have it?"</p> +<p>"I don't think you could do better."</p> +<p>"No, I don't think I could. So I guess I won't buy a new one +after all."</p> +<p>The salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat, which had +become mixed among the many new ones.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>VISITOR—"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an +hour ago?"</p> +<p>NURSE—"He hasn't come to his senses yet."</p> +<p>VISITOR—"Oh, that's all right. I only want to sell him +another car."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"That fellow is too slick for me. Sold me a lot that was two +feet under water. I went around to demand my money back."</p> +<p>"Get it?"</p> +<p>"Get nothing! Then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and +a copy of 'Venetian Life,' by W.D. Howells."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a small South Carolina town that was "finished" before the +war, two men were playing checkers in the back of a store. A +traveling man who was making his first trip to the town was +watching the game, and, not being acquainted with the business +methods of the citizens, he called the attention of the owner of +the store to some customers who had just entered the front +door.</p> +<p>"Sh! Sh!" answered the storekeeper, making another move on the +checkerboard. "Keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">He who finds he has something to sell,</p> +<p class="i2">And goes and whispers it down a well,</p> +<p class="i2">Is not so apt to collar the dollars,</p> +<p class="i2">As he who climbs a tree and hollers.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>The Advertiser</i></p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H563" id="H563"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SALOONS</h3> +<p>"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man +who landed at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the +'bus driver.</p> +<p>"See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing +to a building near the depot.</p> +<p>"You don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store?" +exclaimed the drummer.</p> +<p>"No, I mean that's the only place here they don't sell it," said +the 'bus man.</p> +<a name="H564" id="H564"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SALVATION</h3> +<p>WILLIS—"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they +can buy their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a +church when they die."</p> +<p>GILLIS—"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as +some of these other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the +instalment plan of ten cents a Sunday while they're +living."—<i>Lauren S. Hamilton</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for +the souls in purgatory, a piece of gold.</p> +<p>"Ah, my lord," said the good father, "you have now delivered a +soul."</p> +<p>The count threw another piece upon the plate.</p> +<p>"Here is another soul delivered," said the priest.</p> +<p>"Are you positive of it?" replied the count.</p> +<p>"Yes, my lord," replied the priest; "I am certain they are now +in heaven."</p> +<p>"Then," said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it +signifies nothing to you now, seeing the souls have already got to +heaven."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Episcopal missionary in Wyoming visited one of the outlying +districts in his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in +the home of a large family not conspicuous for its piety. He made +known his intentions to the woman of the house, and she murmured +vaguely that "she'd go out and see." She was long in returning, and +after a tiresome wait the missionary went to the door and called +with some impatience:</p> +<p>"Aren't you coming in? Don't you care anything about your +souls?"</p> +<p>"Souls?" yelled the head of the family from the orchard. "We +haven't got time to fool with our souls when the bees are +swarmin'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing +appealed to her seriously. So, one day, her mother decided to +invite a very serious young parson to dinner, and he was placed +next the light-hearted girl. Everything went well until she asked +him:</p> +<p>"You speak of everybody having a mission. What is yours?"</p> +<p>"My mission," said the parson, "is to save young men."</p> +<p>"Good," replied the girl, "I'm glad to meet you. I wish you'd +save one for me."</p> +<a name="H565" id="H565"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SAVING</h3> +<p>Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by +your heirs.—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"</p> +<p>"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>JOHNNY—"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for +you?"</p> +<p>PAPA—"Certainly, my son."</p> +<p>JOHNNY—"Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I +brought a first-class report from my teacher this week you would +give me a dollar, and I didn't bring it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>According to the following story, economy has its pains as well +as its pleasures, even after the saving is done.</p> +<p>One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going round town with +the face of dissatisfaction, and, when questioned, poured forth his +voluble tale of woe thus:</p> +<p>"Marse Geo'ge, he come to me last fall an' he say, 'Eli, dis +gwine ter be a hard winter, so yo' be keerful, an' save yo' wages +fas' an' tight.'</p> +<p>"An' I b'lieve Marse Geo'ge, yas, sah, I b'lieve him, an' I save +an' I save, an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship, an' +dere was I wid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Robert dear," said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart, +"I'm sure you love me; but give me some proof of it, darling. We +can't marry on fifteen dollars a week, you know."</p> +<p>"Well, what do you want me to do?" said he, with a grieved +air.</p> +<p>"Why, save up a thousand dollars, and have it safe in the bank, +and then I'll marry you."</p> +<p>About two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa +one evening, and said:</p> +<p>"Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?"</p> +<p>"Why, no, my love," he replied; "not all of it."</p> +<p>"How much have you saved, darling?"</p> +<p>"Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear."</p> +<p>"Oh, well," said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little +closer, "don't let's wait any longer, darling. I guess that'll +do."—<i>R.M. Winans</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See</i> also Economy; Thrift.</p> +<a name="H566" id="H566"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SCANDAL</h3> +<p>An ill wind that blows nobody good.</p> +<a name="H567" id="H567"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SCHOLARSHIP</h3> +<p>There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated +from Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first +term, he exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his +class. But the old gentleman was not satisfied.</p> +<p>"<i>Next</i> to the head!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'd +like to know what you think I'm sending you to college for? +<i>Next</i> to the head! Why aren't you at the head, where you +ought to be?"</p> +<p>At this the son was much crestfallen; but upon his return, he +went about his work with such ambition that at the end of the term +he found himself in the coveted place. When he went home that year +he felt very proud. It would be great news for the old man.</p> +<p>When the announcement was made, the father contemplated his son +for a few minutes in silence; then, with a shrug, he remarked:</p> +<p>"At the head of the class, eh? Well, that's a fine commentary on +Yale University!"—<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Well, there were only three boys in school to-day who could +answer one question that the teacher asked us," said a proud boy of +eight.</p> +<p>"And I hope my boy was one of the three," said the proud +mother.</p> +<p>"Well, I was," answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry +Stone were the other two."</p> +<p>"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son; +it makes your mother proud of you. What question did the teacher +ask, Johnnie?"</p> +<p>"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor +marks in his school work. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a +dime if he would do better. The next day he came running home.</p> +<p>"Oh, mother," he shouted, "I got a hundred!"</p> +<p>"And what did you get a hundred in?"</p> +<p>"In two things," replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty +in readin' and sixty in spellin'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Who ceases to be a student has never been one.—<i>George +Iles</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> College students.</p> +<a name="H568" id="H568"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SCHOOLS</h3> +<p>"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." +"That's too bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you +feel worst?"</p> +<p>"In school, mamma."</p> +<a name="H569" id="H569"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT</h3> +<p>The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in +railroad enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support +for a road and attempted to give the matter point. He asked a +native:</p> +<p>"How long does it take you to carry your goods to market by +muleback?"</p> +<p>"Three days," was the reply.</p> +<p>"There's the point," said Miller. "With our road in operation +you could take your goods to market and be back home in one +day."</p> +<p>"Very good, senor," answered the native. "But what would we do +with the other two days?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during +the afternoon:</p> +<p>"By the way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could +do to get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or +something."</p> +<p>"Oh, no," replied the owner "Oh, no, that's all right."</p> +<p>"Why is it?" asked the visitor.</p> +<p>"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate +pumps two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."</p> +<a name="H570" id="H570"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SCOTCH, THE</h3> +<p>A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on +his neighbors on week days.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in +Missouri so divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a +single man prohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what," he +asked, "do you suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole +county dry?"</p> +<p>Nobody had an idea.</p> +<p>"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner.</p> +<p>Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a +Scotsman to be so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished +when the rest of the party laughed more than ever.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found +one of his parishioners recumbent in a ditch.</p> +<p>"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister.</p> +<p>"Weel, I dinna richtly ken," answered the prostrate one, +"whether it was a wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it +was a most extraordinary success."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Thrift.</p> +<a name="H571" id="H571"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SEASICKNESS</h3> +<p>A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing +seasickness for the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he +said in a weak voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust +Company's care. Everything is left to you, dear. My various stocks +you will find in my safe-deposit box." Then he said fervently: +"And, Jenny, bury me on the other side. I can't stand this trip +again, alive or dead."—<i>Joe King</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship: "Man wants +but little here below, nor wants that little long."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about +her husband, who was troubled with dyspepsia.</p> +<p>"My husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness, Captain," +remarked the bride. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an +attack?"</p> +<p>"That won't be necessary, Madam," replied the Captain; "he'll do +it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a +Continental winter resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on +the parable, of the unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he +asked.</p> +<p>A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held +up his hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, with a reminiscent +look on his face, "who brings you a basin."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The first day out was perfectly lovely," said the young lady +just back from abroad. "The water was as smooth as glass, and it +was simply gorgeous. But the second day was rough +and—er—decidedly disgorgeous."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The great ocean liner rolled and pitched.</p> +<p>"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"</p> +<p>"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer.</p> +<p>Then there was an eloquent silence.</p> +<p>"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away, "I +thought that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young man from Ostend,</p> +<p class="i2">Who vowed he'd hold out to the end;</p> +<p class="i4">But when half way over</p> +<p class="i4">From Calais to Dover,</p> +<p class="i2">He did what he didn't intend.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H572" id="H572"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SEASONS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young fellow named Hall,</p> +<p class="i2">Who fell in the spring in the fall;</p> +<p class="i4">'Twould have been a sad thing</p> +<p class="i4">If he'd died in the spring,</p> +<p class="i2">But he didn't—he died in the fall.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H573" id="H573"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SENATORS</h3> +<p>A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to +something worse.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you +not?" said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions.</p> +<p>"Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I have +participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever +made."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed +individual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?"</p> +<p>"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your +machine? Why, I'm a United States Senator!"</p> +<p>"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you."</p> +<a name="H574" id="H574"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SENSE OF HUMOR</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"What of his sense of humor?"</p> +<p class="i2">"Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Richard Kirk</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says +Rear Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in +excess. I have in mind the case of a British soldier who was +sentenced to be flogged. During the flogging he laughed +continually. The harder the lash was laid on, the harder the +soldier laughed.</p> +<p>"'Wot's so funny about bein' flogged?' demanded the +sergeant.</p> +<p>"'Why,' the soldier chuckled, 'I'm the wrong man.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mark Twain once approached a friend, a business man, and +confided to him that he needed the assistance of a +stenographer.</p> +<p>"I can send you one, a fine young fellow," the friend said, "He +came to my office yesterday in search of a position, but I didn't +have an opening."</p> +<p>"Has he a sense of humor?" Mark asked cautiously.</p> +<p>"A sense of humor? He has—in fact, he got off one or two +pretty witty things himself yesterday," the friend hastened to +assure him.</p> +<p>"Sorry, but he won't do, then," Mark said.</p> +<p>"Won't do? Why?"</p> +<p>"No," said Mark. "I had one once before with a sense of humor, +and it interfered too much with the work. I cannot afford to pay a +man two dollars a day for laughing."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of +sanity.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p> +<a name="H575" id="H575"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SENTRIES</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Armies.</p> +<a name="H576" id="H576"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SERMONS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Preaching.</p> +<a name="H577" id="H577"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SERVANTS</h3> +<p>TOMMY—"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day +and gone to-morrow?"</p> +<p>POP—"Probably the cook, my son."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater. +"Well, how did you like the piece, my dear?" asked the fond husband +who had always found his wife a good critic.</p> +<p>"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it: the second +act takes place two years after the first, and they have the same +servant."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SMITH—"We are certainly in luck with our new +cook—soup, meat, vegetables and dessert, everything +perfect!"</p> +<p>MRS. S.—"Yes, but the dessert was made by her +successor."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>THE NEW GIRL—"An' may me intended visit me every Sunday +afternoon, ma'am?"</p> +<p>MISTRESS—"Who is your intended, Delia?"</p> +<p>THE NEW GIRL—"I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger in +town."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked the lady +who was about to engage a new girl.</p> +<p>"I don't has to be, mum," replied the applicant, "unless you +happens to need me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner +recently. The host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him +in the least.</p> +<p>"These little accidents happen 'most every day," he said +apologetically. "You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a +dairymaid originally, but she had to abandon that occupation on +account of her inability to handle the cows without breaking their +horns."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will +sympathize with the sad experience of a Washington woman.</p> +<p>When her husband returned home one evening he found her +dissolved in tears, and careful questioning elicited the reason for +her grief.</p> +<p>"Dan," said she, "every day this week I have stopped to look at +a perfect love of a hat in Mme. Louise's window. Such a hat, Dan, +such a beautiful hat! But the price—well, I wanted it the +worst way, but just couldn't afford to buy it."</p> +<p>"Well, dear," began the husband recklessly, "we might manage +to—"</p> +<p>"Thank you, Dan," interrupted the wife, "but there isn't any +'might' about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? +She marched right down herself and bought that hat!"—<i>Edwin +Tarrisse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the +sentiment good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant, +recently taken into the service of a young matron of Chicago.</p> +<p>The youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a +trifle patronizing.</p> +<p>"Now, Lena," she asked earnestly, "are you a <i>good</i> +cook?"</p> +<p>"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so," said the girl, with perfect +naiveté, "if you vill not try to help me."—<i>Elgin +Burroughs</i>.</p> +<p>"Have you a good cook now?"</p> +<p>"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MRS. LITTLETOWN—"This magazine looks rather the worse for +wear."</p> +<p>MRS. NEARTOWN—"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the +servant on Sundays."</p> +<p>MRS. LITTLETOWN—"Doesn't she get tired of always reading +the same one?"</p> +<p>MRS. NEARTOWN—"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but +it's always a different servant."—<i>Suburban Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MRS. HOUSEN HOHM—"What is your name?"</p> +<p>APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP—"Miss Arlington."</p> +<p>MRS. HOUSEN HOHM—"Do you expect to be called Miss +Arlington?"</p> +<p>APPLICANT—-"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in +my room."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MISTRESS—"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss +a baby. I hope you will remember my objection to such things."</p> +<p>NORA—"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv +kissin' yer baby whin I'm around."</p> +<p><i>See also</i> Gratitude; Recommendations.</p> +<a name="H578" id="H578"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SHOPPING</h3> +<p>CLERK—"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife +wants me to go shopping with her."</p> +<p>EMPLOYER—"Certainly not. We are much too busy."</p> +<p>CLERK—"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!"</p> +<a name="H579" id="H579"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SHYNESS</h3> +<p>The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story +on himself to some friends:</p> +<p>"I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I +went into the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and +looked so, I suppose. I had no sooner started to write than a +diffident-looking young man plumped into the chair opposite me, +began twirling his cap and stared at me. I let him sit there. An +hour or more passed, and he was still there, returning my +occasional and discouraging glances at him with a foolish, +ingratiating smile. I was inclined to be annoyed. I had a suspicion +that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer—or an +autograph-hunter. He could wait. But at last he rose, and still +twirling his cap, he spoke:</p> +<p>"'Excuse me, Doctor Watson; I'm getting deathly sick in here and +I'm real sorry to disturb you, but I thought you'd like to know +that just as soon as you left her Mrs. Watson fell down the +companionway stairs, and I guess she hurt herself pretty +badly.'"</p> +<a name="H580" id="H580"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SIGNS</h3> +<p>When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his +brother opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of +"Ed. Wolcott & Bro." Later the partnership was dissolved. +The future senator packed his few assets, including the sign that +had hung outside of his office, upon a burro and started for +Georgetown, a mining town farther up in the hills. Upon his arrival +he was greeted by a crowd of miners who critically surveyed him and +his outfit. One of them, looking first at the sign that hung over +the pack, then at Wolcott, and finally at the donkey, ventured:</p> +<p>"Say, stranger, which of you is Ed?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Buck" Kilgore, of Texas, who once kicked open the door of the +House of Representatives when Speaker Reed had all doors locked to +prevent the minority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a +vote, was noted for his indifference to forms and rules. Speaker +Reed, annoyed by members bringing lighted cigars upon the floor of +the House just before opening time, had signs conspicuously posted +as follows: "No smoking on the floor of the House." One day just +before convening the House his eagle eye detected Kilgore +nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar. Calling a page, he told +him to give his compliments to the gentleman from Texas and ask him +if he had not seen the signs. After a while the page returned and +seated himself without reporting to the Speaker, and Mr. Reed was +irritated to see the gentleman from Texas continue his smoke. With +a frown he summoned the page and asked:</p> +<p>"Did you tell the gentleman from Texas what I said?"</p> +<p>"I did," replied the page.</p> +<p>"What did he say?" asked Reed.</p> +<p>"Well—er," stammered the page, "he said to give his +compliments to you and tell you he did not believe in signs."</p> +<a name="H581" id="H581"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SILENCE</h3> +<p>A conversation with an Englishman.—<i>Heine</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>BALL-"What is silence?"</p> +<p>HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was +playing a closely contested game of golf. He carefully teed up his +ball and addressed it with the most aproved grace; he raised his +driver and hit the ball a tremendous clip, but instead of soaring +into the azure it perversely went about twelve feet to the right +and then buzzed around in a circle. The clerical gentleman frowned, +scowled, pursed up his mouth and bit his lips, but said nothing, +and a friend who stood by him said: "Doctor, that is the most +profane silence I ever witnessed."</p> +<a name="H582" id="H582"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SIN</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Man-like is it to fall into sin,</p> +<p class="i2">Fiend-like is it to dwell therein,</p> +<p class="i2">Christ-like is it for sin to grieve,</p> +<p class="i2">God-like is it all sin to leave.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Friedrich von Logan</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Now," said the clergyman to the Sunday-school class, "can any +of you tell me what are sins of omission?"</p> +<p>"Yes, sir," said the small boy. "They are the sins we ought to +have done and haven't."</p> +<a name="H583" id="H583"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SINGERS</h3> +<p>As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became +greatly exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra +conductor.</p> +<p>"What's that man shaking his stick at her for?" he demanded +indignantly.</p> +<p>"Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at her."</p> +<p>But Johnny was not convinced.</p> +<p>"Then what in thunder's she hollering for?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A visiting clergyman was occupying a pulpit in St. Louis one +Sunday when it was the turn of the bass to sing a solo, which he +did very badly, to the annoyance of the preacher, a lover of music. +When the singer fell back in his seat, red of face and exhausted, +the clergyman arose, placed his hands on the unopened Bible, +deliberately surveyed the faces of the congregation, and announced +the text:</p> +<p>"And the wind ceased and there was a great calm."</p> +<p>It wasn't the text he had chosen, but it fitted his sermon as +well as the occasion.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One cold, wet, and windy night he came upon a negro shivering in +the doorway of an Atlanta store. Wondering what the darky could be +doing, standing on a cold, wet night in such a draughty position, +the proprietor of the shop said:</p> +<p>"Jim, what are you doing here?"</p> +<p>"'Sense me, sir," said Jim, "but I'm gwine to sing bass tomorrow +mornin' at church, an' I am tryin' to ketch a +cold."—<i>Howard Morse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The man who sings all day at work is a happy man."</p> +<p>"Yes, but how about the man who works and has to listen to him?" +Miss Jeanette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debut +of Tetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of the +house to greet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a +wonder?" she asked excitedly.</p> +<p>"She is a great singer unquestionably," responded her more +phlegmatic friend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even +as, for instance, Melba's."</p> +<p>"Oh, bother Melba," said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives +infinitely more heat from her registers."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a certain Scottish dinner it was found that every one had +contributed to the evening's entertainment but a certain Doctor +MacDonald.</p> +<p>"Come, come, Doctor MacDonald," said the chairman, "we cannot +let you escape."</p> +<p>The doctor protested that he could not sing.</p> +<p>"My voice is altogether unmusical, and resembles the sound +caused by the act of rubbing a brick along the panels of a +door."</p> +<p>The company attributed this to the doctor's modesty. Good +singers, he was reminded, always needed a lot of pressing.</p> +<p>"Very well," said the doctor, "if you can stand it I will +sing."</p> +<p>Long before he had finished his audience was uneasy.</p> +<p>There was a painful silence as the doctor sat down, broken at +length by the voice of a braw Scot at the end of the table.</p> +<p>"Mon," he exclaimed, "your singin's no up to much, but your +veracity's just awful. You're richt aboot that brick."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">She smiles, my darling smiles, and all</p> +<p class="i4">The world is filled with light;</p> +<p class="i2">She laughs—'tis like the bird's sweet call,</p> +<p class="i4">In meadows fair and bright.</p> +<p class="i2">She weeps—the world is cold and gray,</p> +<p class="i4">Rain-clouds shut out the view;</p> +<p class="i2">She sings—I softly steal away</p> +<p class="i4">And wait till she gets through.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">God sent his singers upon earth</p> +<p class="i2">With songs of gladness and of mirth,</p> +<p class="i2">That they might touch the hearts of men,</p> +<p class="i2">And bring them back to heaven again.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H584" id="H584"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SKATING</h3> +<p>A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung +over her arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat.</p> +<p>"Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been skating all +afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down."</p> +<a name="H585" id="H585"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SKY-SCRAPERS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Buildings.</p> +<a name="H586" id="H586"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SLEEP</h3> +<p>Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from +insomnia told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink +two or three glasses of milk before going to bed," said he, "and +I'll warrant you'll be asleep within half an hour." I did as he +suggested, and now for the benefit of others who may be afflicted +with insomnia, I feel it my duty to report what happened, so far as +I am able to recall the details.</p> +<p>First, let me say my friend was right. I did go to sleep very +soon after my retirement. Then a friend with his head under his arm +came along and asked me if I wanted to buy his feet. I was +negotiating with him, when the dragon on which I was riding slipped +out of his skin and left me floating in mid-air. While I was +considering how I should get down, a bull with two heads peered +over the edge of the wall and said he would haul me up if I would +first climb up and rig a windlass for him. So as I was sliding down +the mountainside the brakeman came in, and I asked him when the +train would reach my station.</p> +<p>"We passed your station four hundred years ago," he said, calmly +folding the train up and slipping it into his vest pocket.</p> +<p>At this juncture the clown bounded into the ring and pulled the +center-pole out of the ground, lifting the tent and all the people +in it up, up, while I stood on the earth below watching myself go +out of sight among the clouds above. Then I awoke, and found I had +been asleep almost ten minutes.—<i>The Good Health +Clinic</i>.</p> +<a name="H587" id="H587"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SMILES</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady of Niger,</p> +<p class="i2">Who went for a ride on a tiger;</p> +<p class="i4">They returned from the ride</p> +<p class="i4">With the lady inside,</p> +<p class="i2">And a smile on the face of the tiger.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H588" id="H588"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SMOKING</h3> +<p>A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a +smoke.—<i>Rudyard Kipling</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>AUNT MARY—(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would +your mother say if she saw you smoking cigarets?"</p> +<p>HAROLD (calmly)—"She'd have a fit. They're her +cigarets."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to allow no one to +smoke near his post. An officer with a lighted cigar approached +whereupon Pat boldly challenged him and ordered him to put it out +at once.</p> +<p>The officer with a gesture of disgust threw away his cigar, but +no sooner was his back turned than Pat picked it up and quietly +retired to the sentry box.</p> +<p>The officer happening to look around, observed a beautiful cloud +of smoke issuing from the box. He at once challenged Pat for +smoking on duty.</p> +<p>"Smoking, is it, sor? Bedad, and I'm only keeping it lit to show +the corporal when he comes as evidence agin you."</p> +<a name="H589" id="H589"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SNEEZING</h3> +<p>While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled into +visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak. +In one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a +youthful Demosthenes to entertain the distinguished visitor with an +exhibition of amateur oratory. The selection attempted was Byron's +"Battle of Waterloo," and just as the boy reached the end of the +first paragraph Speaker Cannon gave vent to a violent sneeze. "But, +hush! hark!" declaimed the youngster; "a deep sound strikes like a +rising knell! Did ye not hear it?"</p> +<p>The visitors smiled and a moment later the second +sneeze—which the Speaker was vainly trying to hold +back—came with increased violence.</p> +<p>"But, hark!" bawled the boy, "that heavy sound breaks in once +more, and nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! Arm! arm! it +is—it is—the cannon's opening roar!"</p> +<p>This was too much, and the laugh that broke from the party +swelled to a roar when "Uncle Joe" chuckled: "Put up yout weapons, +children; I won't shoot any more."</p> +<a name="H590" id="H590"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SNOBBERY</h3> +<p>Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their +position.</p> +<a name="H591" id="H591"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SNORING</h3> +<p>Snore—An unfavorable report from +headquarters.—<i>Foolish Dictionary</i>.</p> +<a name="H592" id="H592"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SOCIALISTS</h3> +<p>Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one +which details how a "change of heart" once came to his +valet—an excellent fellow, albeit a violent "red."</p> +<p>Alphonse was as good a servant as one would wish to employ, and +as his socialism never got farther than attending a weekly meeting, +the baron never objected to his political faith. After a few months +of these permissions to absent himself from duty, his employer +noticed one week that he did not ask to go. The baron thought +Alphonse might have forgotten the night, but when the next week he +stayed at home, he inquired what was up.</p> +<p>"Sir," said the valet, with the utmost dignity, "some of my +former colleagues have worked out a calculation that if all the +wealth in France were divided equally per capita, each individual +would be the possessor of two thousand francs."</p> +<p>Then he stopped as if that told the whole story, so said the +baron, "What of that?"</p> +<p>"Sir," came back from the enlightened Alphonse, "I have five +thousand francs now."—<i>Warwick James Price</i>.</p> +<a name="H593" id="H593"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SOCIETY</h3> +<p>Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and the +devilish.—<i>Harold Melbourne</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What are her days at home?"</p> +<p>"Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays she +has her telephone hours."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Society consists of two classes, the upper and the lower. The +latter cultivates the dignity of labor, the former the labor of +dignity.—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young person called Smarty,</p> +<p class="i2">Who sent out his cards for a party;</p> +<p class="i4">So exclusive and few</p> +<p class="i4">Were the friends that he knew</p> +<p class="i2">That no one was present but Smarty.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H594" id="H594"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SOLECISMS</h3> +<p>A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance +of a large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the +sixth floor."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents +hastily and often from meager data, and in the attempt to make them +vivid they sometimes make them ridiculous; for example, a New York +City paper a few days ago, in describing a collision between a +train and a motor bus, said: "The train, too, was filled with +passengers. Their shrieks mingled with the <i>cries of the dead</i> +and the dying of the bus!"</p> +<a name="H595" id="H595"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SONS</h3> +<p>"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray +hairs."</p> +<p>"Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those."</p> +<a name="H596" id="H596"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SOUVENIRS</h3> +<p>"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of +milk at a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his +refreshment, he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a +brick with a faded rose upon the top of it.</p> +<p>"'Why do you cherish in this way,' my friend said to his host, +'that common brick and that dead rose?'</p> +<p>"'Shure, sir,' was the reply, 'there's certain memories +attachin' to them. Do ye see this big dent in my head? Well, it was +made by that brick.'</p> +<p>"'But the rose?' said my friend.</p> +<p>His host smiled quietly. "'The rose,' he explained, 'is off the +grave of the man that threw the brick.'"</p> +<a name="H597" id="H597"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SPECULATION</h3> +<p>There are two times in a man's life when he should not +speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.—<i>Mark +Twain</i>.</p> +<a name="H598" id="H598"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SPEED</h3> +<p>"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man +to another.</p> +<p>"Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked.</p> +<p>"Got himself run over by a hearse!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the +darky.</p> +<p>"Yes, sah, heard it twict."</p> +<p>"How's that?"</p> +<p>"Heard it whiz when it passed me, and heard it again when I +passed it."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A near race riot happened in a southern town. The negroes +gathered in one crowd and the whites in another. The whites fired +their revolvers into the air, and the negroes took to their heels. +Next day a plantation owner said to one of his men: "Sam, were you +in that crowd that gathered last night?" "Yassir." "Did you run +like the wind, Sam?" "No, sir. I didn't run like the wind,'deed I +didn't. But I passed two niggers that was running like the +wind."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A guest in a Cincinnati hotel was shot and killed. The negro +porter who heard the shooting was a witness at the trial.</p> +<p>"How many shots did you hear?" asked the lawyer.</p> +<p>"Two shots, sah," he replied.</p> +<p>"How far apart were they?"</p> +<p>'"Bout like dis way," explained the negro, clapping his hands +with an interval of about a second between claps.</p> +<p>"Where were you when the first shot was fired?"</p> +<p>"Shinin' a gemman's shoe in the basement of de hotel."</p> +<p>"Where were you when the second shot was fired?"</p> +<p>"Ah was passin' de Big Fo' depot."</p> +<a name="H599" id="H599"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SPINSTERS</h3> +<p>"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the +congregation for a relative or friend?" asks the minister.</p> +<p>"I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want +the congregation to pray for my husband."</p> +<p>"Why, sister Abigail!" replies the minister. "You have no +husband as yet."</p> +<p>"Yes, but I want you all to pitch in an' pray for one for me!" +Some time ago the wife of an assisstant state officer gave a party +to a lot of old maids of her town. She asked each one to bring a +photograph of the man who had tried to woo and wed her. Each of the +old maids brought a photograph and they were all pictures of the +same man, the hostess's husband.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Maude Adams was one day discussing with her old negro "mammy" +the approaching marriage of a friend.</p> +<p>"When is you gwine to git married, Miss Maudie?" asked the +mammy, who took a deep interest in her talented young mistress.</p> +<p>"I don't know, mammy," answered the star. "I don't think I'll +ever get married."</p> +<p>"Well," sighed mammy, in an attempt to be philosophical, "they +do say ole maids is the happies' kind after they quits +strugglin'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the Bachelor, so lonely and gay,</p> +<p class="i2">For it's not his fault, he was born that way;</p> +<p class="i2">And here's to the Spinster, so lonely and good;</p> +<p class="i2">For it's not her fault, she hath done what she +could.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An old maid on the wintry side of fifty, hearing of the marriage +of a pretty young lady, her friend, observed with a deep and +sentimental sigh: "Well, I suppose it is what we must all come +to."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A famous spinster, known throughout the country for her +charities, was entertaining a number of little girls from a +charitable institution. After the luncheon, the children were shown +through the place, in order that they might enjoy the many +beautiful things it contained.</p> +<p>"This," said the spinster, indicating a statue, "is +Minerva."</p> +<p>"Was Minerva married?" asked one of the little girls.</p> +<p>"No, my child," said the spinster, with a smile; "Minerva was +the Goddess of Wisdom."—<i>E.T</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There once was a lonesome, lorn spinster,</p> +<p class="i2">And luck had for years been ag'inst her;</p> +<p class="i4">When a man came to burgle</p> +<p class="i4">She shrieked, with a gurgle,</p> +<p class="i2">"Stop thief, while I call in a min'ster!"</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H600" id="H600"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SPITE</h3> +<p>Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say +something more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day +Jake came to him and asked to be excused from work the next +day.</p> +<p>"Certainly, Jake," beamed the employer. "What are you going to +do?"</p> +<p>"Vall," said Jake slowly. "I tink I must go by mein wife's +funeral. She dies yesterday."</p> +<p>After the lapse of a few weeks Jake again approached his boss +for a day off.</p> +<p>"All right, Jake, but what are you going to do this time?"</p> +<p>"Aber," said Jake, "I go to make me, mit mein fräulein, a +wedding."</p> +<p>"What? So soon? Why, it's only been three weeks since you buried +your wife."</p> +<p>"Ach!" replied Jake, "I don't hold spite long."</p> +<a name="H601" id="H601"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SPRING</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">In the spring the housemaid's fancy</p> +<p class="i4">Lightly turns from pot and pan</p> +<p class="i2">To the greater necromancy</p> +<p class="i4">Of a young unmarried man.</p> +<p class="i2">You can hold her through the winter,</p> +<p class="i4">And she'll work around and sing,</p> +<p class="i2">But it's just as good as certain</p> +<p class="i4">She will marry in the spring.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">It is easy enough to look pleasant,</p> +<p class="i2">When the spring comes along with a rush;</p> +<p class="i4">But the fellow worth-while</p> +<p class="i4">Is the one who can smile</p> +<p class="i2">When he slips and sits down in the slush.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Leslie Van Every</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H602" id="H602"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>STAMMERING</h3> +<p>One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying +those about him.</p> +<p>"Don't you like the show?"</p> +<p>"Yes, indeed!"</p> +<p>"Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?"</p> +<p>"Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-ply +s-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is +s-s-s-superb."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A man who stuttered badly went to a specialist and after ten +difficult lessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper +picked a peck of pickled peppers." His friends congratulated him +upon this splendid achievement.</p> +<p>"Yes," said the man doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a +d-d-deucedly d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an +ordin-n-nary c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know."</p> +<a name="H603" id="H603"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>STATESMEN</h3> +<p>A statesman is a deal politician.—<i>Mr. Dooley</i>.</p> +<p>A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, +then jumps in front and yells like blazes.</p> +<a name="H604" id="H604"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>STATISTICS</h3> +<p>An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the +Lord all the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for +help against the progress of wickedness in his town, with the +statement:</p> +<p>"Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the increase. It is +becoming more prevalent daily. I can prove it to you by +statistics."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>PATIENT—"Tell me candidly, Doc, do you think I'll pull +through?"</p> +<p>DOCTOR—"Oh, you're bound to get well—you can't help +yourself. <i>The Medical Record</i> shows that out of one hundred +cases like yours, one per cent invariably recovers. I've treated +ninety-nine cases, and every one of them died. Why, man alive, you +can't die if you try! There's no humbug in statistics."</p> +<a name="H605" id="H605"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>STEAK</h3> +<p>"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?"</p> +<p>"It depends on your teeth, sir."</p> +<a name="H606" id="H606"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>STEAM</h3> +<p>"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner.</p> +<p>"Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam +is—Why—er—it's wather thos's gone crazy wid the +heat."</p> +<a name="H607" id="H607"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS</h3> +<p>"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man +with the shoe button nose.</p> +<p>"Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle +is going to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in +one end of it he can go to the other end and be clear away from the +storm."</p> +<a name="H608" id="H608"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>STENOGRAPHERS</h3> +<p>A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as +stenographer to a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the +morning of her first appearance she went straight to the desk of +her employer.</p> +<p>"I presume," she remarked, "that you begin the day over here the +same as they do in New York?"</p> +<p>"Oh, yes," replied the employer, without glancing up from a +letter he was reading.</p> +<p>"Well, hurry up and kiss me, then," was the startling rejoinder, +"I want to get to work."</p> +<a name="H609" id="H609"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>STOCK BROKERS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A grain broker in New Boston, Maine,</p> +<p class="i2">Said, "That market gives me a pain;</p> +<p class="i4">I can hardly bear it,</p> +<p class="i4">To bull—I don't dare it,</p> +<p class="i2">For it's going against the grain."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H610" id="H610"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>STRATEGY</h3> +<p>A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week. +The owner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be +printed exactly as he wrote it:</p> +<p>LOST OR RUN AWAY—One livver culered burd dog called Jim. +Will show signs of hyderfobby in about three days. The dog came +home the following day.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Boy, take these flowers to Miss Bertie Bohoo, Room 12."</p> +<p>"My, sir, you're the fourth gentleman wot's sent her flowers +to-day."</p> +<p>"What's that? What the deuce? W—who sent the others?"</p> +<p>"Oh, they didn't send any names. They all said, 'She'll know +where they come from.'"</p> +<p>"Well, here, take my card, and tell her these are from the same +one who sent the other three boxes."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The little girl was having a great deal of trouble pronouncing +some of the words she met with. "Vinegar" had given her the most +trouble, and she was duly grieved to know that the village was +being entertained by her efforts in this direction.</p> +<p>She was sent one day to the store with the vinegar-jug, to get +it filled, and had no intention of amusing the people who were +gathered in the store. So she handed the jug to the clerk with:</p> +<p>"Smell the mouth of it and give me a quart."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A young couple had been courting for several years, and the +young man seemed to be in no hurry to marry. Finally, one day, he +said:</p> +<p>"Sall, I canna marry thee."</p> +<p>"How's that?" asked she.</p> +<p>"I've changed my mind," said he.</p> +<p>"Well, I'll tell thee what we'll do," said she. "If folks know +that it's thee as has given me up I shanna be able to get another +chap; but if they think I've given thee up then I can get all I +want. So we'll have banns published and when the wedding day comes +the parson will say to thee, 'Wilt thou have this woman to be thy +wedded wife?' and thou must say, 'I will.' And when he says to me, +'Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?' I shall say, 'I +winna.'"</p> +<p>The day came, and when the minister asked the important question +the man answered:</p> +<p>"I will."</p> +<p>Then the parson said to the woman:</p> +<p>"Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?" and she +said:</p> +<p>"I will."</p> +<p>"Why," said the young man furiously, "you said you would say 'I +winna.'"</p> +<p>"I know that," said the young woman, "but I've changed my mind +since."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Charles Stuart, formerly senator from Michigan, was traveling by +stage through his own state. The weather was bitter cold, the snow +deep, and the roads practically unbroken. The stage was nearly an +hour late at the dinner station and everybody was cross and +hungry.</p> +<p>In spite of the warning, "Ten minutes only for refreshments," +Senator Stuart sat down to dinner with his usual deliberation. When +he had finished his first cup of coffee the other passengers were +leaving the table. By the time his second cup arrived the stage was +at the door. "All aboard!" shouted the driver. The senator lingered +and called for a third cup of coffee.</p> +<p>While the household, as was the custom, assembled at the door to +see the stage oft, the senator calmly continued his meal. Suddenly, +just as the stage was starting, he pounded violently on the +dining-room table. The landlord hurried in. The senator wanted a +dish of rice-pudding. When it came he called for a spoon. There +wasn't a spoon to be found.</p> +<p>"That shock-headed fellow took 'em!" exclaimed the landlady. "I +knew him for a thief the minute I laid eyes on him."</p> +<p>The landlord jumped to the same conclusion.</p> +<p>"Hustle after that stage!" he shouted to the sheriff, who was +untying his horse from the rail in front of the tavern. "Bring 'em +all back. They've taken the silver!"</p> +<p>A few minutes later the stage, in charge of the sheriff, swung +around in front of the house. The driver was in a fury.</p> +<p>"Search them passengers!" insisted the landlord.</p> +<p>But before the officer could move, the senator opened the stage +door, stepped inside, then leaned out, touched the sheriff's arm +and whispered:</p> +<p>"Tell the landlord he'll find his spoons in the coffee-pot."</p> +<a name="H611" id="H611"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SUBWAYS</h3> +<p>Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush +hours can easily appreciate the following:</p> +<p>A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought +of pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some +money in his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was +somewhat shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat +fellow-passenger.</p> +<p>"Aha!" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!"</p> +<p>"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!"</p> +<p>"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man.</p> +<p>"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one.</p> +<p>Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his +paper.</p> +<p>"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't +mind taking your hands out of my pocket."</p> +<a name="H612" id="H612"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SUCCESS</h3> +<p>Nothing succeeds like excess.—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Nothing succeeds like looking successful.—<i>Henriette +Corkland</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree +with one's employer.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A New Orleans lawyer was asked to address the boys of a business +school. He commenced:</p> +<p>"My young friends, as I approached the entrance to this room I +noticed on the panel of the door a word eminently appropriate to an +institution of this kind. It expresses the one thing most useful to +the average man when he steps into the arena of life. It +was—"</p> +<p>"Pull," shouted the boys, in a roar of laughter, and the lawyer +felt that he had taken his text from the wrong side of the +door.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I'd rather be a Could Be</p> +<p class="i4">If I could not be an Are;</p> +<p class="i2">For a Could Be is a May Be,</p> +<p class="i4">With a chance of touching par.</p> +<p class="i2">I'd rather be a Has Been</p> +<p class="i4">Than a Might Have Been, by far;</p> +<p class="i2">For a Might Have Been has never been,</p> +<p class="i4">But a Has was once an Are.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">'Tis not in mortals to command success,</p> +<p class="i2">But we'll do more, Sempronius,—</p> +<p class="i2">We'll deserve it.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Addison</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There are two ways of rising in the world: either by one's own +industry or profiting by the foolishness of others.—<i>La +Bruyère</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Success is counted sweetest</p> +<p class="i2">By those who ne'er succeed.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Emily Dickinson</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Making good.</p> +<a name="H613" id="H613"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SUFFRAGETTES</h3> +<p>When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her +husband is usually left at home to look after his +wrongs.—<i>Child Harold</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?"</p> +<p>"Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up."</p> +<p>"Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' yer, Bill?"</p> +<p>"Not so 'ard, Tom—not so 'ard. The missus 'as went 'orf on +a hunger stroike and me butcher's bills is cut in arf!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I'd hate t' be married t' a suffragette an' have t' eat Battle +Creek breakfasts.—<i>Abe Martin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FIRST ENGLISHMAN—"Why do you allow your wife to be a +militant suffragette?"</p> +<p>SECOND ENGLISHMAN—"When she's busy wrecking things outside +we have comparative peace at home."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Recipe for a suffragette:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To the power that already lies in her hands</p> +<p class="i4">You add equal rights with the gents;</p> +<p class="i2">You'll find votes that used to bring two or three +plunks,</p> +<p class="i4">Marked down to ninety-eight cents.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Mrs. Pankhurst, the English suffragette, was in America she +met and became very much attached to Mrs. Lee Preston, a New York +woman of singular cleverness of mind and personal attraction. After +the acquaintance had ripened somewhat Mrs. Pankhurst ventured to +say:</p> +<p>"I do hope, Mrs. Preston, that you are a suffragette."</p> +<p>"Oh, dear no!" replied Mrs. Preston; "you know, Mrs. Pankhurst, +I am happily married."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>BILL—"Jake said he was going to break up the suffragette +meeting the other night. Were his plans carried out?"</p> +<p>DILL—"No, Jake was."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SLASHER—"Been in a fight?"</p> +<p>MASHER—"No. I tried to flirt with a pretty +suffragette."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What sort of a ticket does your suffragette club favor?"</p> +<p>"Well," replied young Mrs. Torkins, "if we owned right up, I +think most of us would prefer matinée tickets."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Woman suffrage.</p> +<a name="H614" id="H614"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SUICIDE</h3> +<p>The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, +discussed his country's customs.</p> +<p>"There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't +understand—and that is the Chinese custom of committing +suicide by eating gold-leaf. I can't understand how gold-leaf can +kill."</p> +<p>"The partaker, no doubt," smiled the Consul, "succumbs from a +consciousness of inward gilt."</p> +<a name="H615" id="H615"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SUMMER RESORTS</h3> +<p>GABE—"What are you going back to that place for this +summer? Why, last year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing."</p> +<p>STEVE—"The owner tells me that he has crossed the +mosquitoes with the fish, and guarantees a bite every second."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"I suppose," said the city man, "there are some queer characters +around an old village like this."</p> +<p>"You'll find a good many," admitted the native, "when the hotels +fill up."</p> +<a name="H616" id="H616"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SUNDAY</h3> +<p>Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he +said one day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, +"nurse, is this God's day?"</p> +<p>"No, dear," said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is +Thursday."</p> +<p>"I'm so sorry," he said, sadly, and went back to his blocks.</p> +<p>The next day and the next in his serious manner he asked the +same question, and the nurse tearfully said to the cook:</p> +<p>"That child is too good for this world."</p> +<p>On Sunday the question was repeated, and the nurse, with a sob +in her voice, said: "Yes, lambie, this is God's day."</p> +<p>"Then where is the funny paper?" he demanded.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TEACHER—"Good little boys do not skate on Sunday, Corky. Don't +you think that is very nice of them?"</p> +<p>CORKY—"Sure t'ing!"</p> +<p>TEACHER—"And why is it nice of them, Corky?"</p> +<p>CORKY—"Aw, it leaves more room on de ice! See?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Of all the days that's in the week,</p> +<p class="i4">I dearly love but one day,</p> +<p class="i2">And that's the day that comes betwixt</p> +<p class="i4">A Saturday and Monday.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Henry Carey</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O day of rest! How beautiful, how fair,</p> +<p>How welcome to the weary and the old!</p> +<p>Day of the Lord! and truce to earthly care!</p> +<p>Day of the Lord, as all our days should be!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H617" id="H617"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SUNDAY SCHOOLS</h3> +<p>"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing +the blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll +play 'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six +months, and then at Christmas I'll give you a ten-cent bag of +candy."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Lottie returned from her first visit to Sunday-school, she +was asked what she had learned.</p> +<p>"God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh +day," was her version of the lesson imparted.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?"</p> +<p>After the silence had become painful she ordered: "Open your Old +Testaments. What does it say there?"</p> +<p>A boy answered: "Moses, 4000."</p> +<p>"Now," said the teacher, "why didn't you know when Moses +lived?"</p> +<p>"Well," replied the boy, "I thought it was his telephone +number,"—<i>Suburban Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How many of you boys," asked the Sunday-school superintendent, +"can bring two other boys next Sunday?"</p> +<p>There was no response until a new recruit raised his hand +hesitatingly.</p> +<p>"Well, William?"</p> +<p>"I can't bring two, but there's one little feller I can lick, +and I'll do my damnedest to bring him."</p> +<a name="H618" id="H618"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SUPERSTITION</h3> +<p>Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its +time.—<i>George Iles</i>.</p> +<a name="H619" id="H619"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SURPRISE</h3> +<p>"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five +children.</p> +<p>"I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the +mother.</p> +<p>"Are we all goin', too?"</p> +<p>"No, dear. You weren't invited."</p> +<p>After a few moments' deep thought:</p> +<p>"Say, ma, then don't you think they'd be lots more surprised if +you did take us all?"</p> +<a name="H620" id="H620"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SWIMMERS</h3> +<p>Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging +about their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man +got up a match. The man who swam the longest distance was to +receive $5. The Alabama Whale immediately stripped on the dock, but +the Human Steamboat said he had some business and would return in a +few minutes. The Whale swam the river four or five times for +exercise and by that time the Human Steamboat returned. He wore a +pair of swimming trunks and had a sheet iron cook stove strapped on +his back. Tied around his neck were a dozen packages containing +bread, flour, bacon and other eatables. The Whale gazed at his +opponent in amazement.</p> +<p>"Whar yo' vittles?" demanded the Human Steamboat.</p> +<p>"Vittles fo' what?" asked the Whale.</p> +<p>"Don't yo' ask me fo' nothin' on the way ovah," warned the +Steamboat. "Mah fust stop is New York an' mah next stop is +London."</p> +<a name="H621" id="H621"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SYMPATHY</h3> +<p>A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't +cost anything.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed +by a man much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along +the car between two rows of well-dressed people, regardless of +tender feet.</p> +<p>Murmurs and complaints arose on all sides and demands were heard +that the offender should be ejected at once.</p> +<p>But amid the storm of abuse one friendly voice was raised. Mr. +Moody rose from his seat, saying:</p> +<p>"No, no, friends! Let the man sit down and be quiet."</p> +<p>The drunken one turned, and, seizing the famous evangelist by +the hand, exclaimed:</p> +<p>"Thank ye, sir—thank ye! I see you know what it is to be +drunk."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The man rushed excitedly into the smoking car. "A lady has +fainted in the next car! Has anybody got any whiskey?" he +asked.</p> +<p>Instantly a half-dozen flasks were thrust out to him. Taking the +nearest one, he turned the bottle up and took a big drink, then, +handing the flask back, said, "Thank you. It always did make me +feel sick to see a lady faint."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A tramp went to a farmhouse, and sitting down in the front yard +began to eat the grass.</p> +<p>The housewife's heart went out to him: "Poor man, you must +indeed be hungry. Come around to the back."</p> +<p>The tramp beamed and winked at the hired man.</p> +<p>"There," said the housewife, when the tramp hove in sight, +pointing to a circle of green grass, "try that: you will find that +grass so much longer."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Strengthen me by sympathizing with my strength, not my +weakness.—<i>Amos Bronson Alcott</i>.</p> +<a name="H622" id="H622"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>SYNONYMS</h3> +<p>"I don't believe any two words in the English language are +synonymous."</p> +<p>"Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and +'lift'?"</p> +<p>"There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a +neighbor who has been known to 'lift' them."</p> +<a name="H623" id="H623"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TABLE MANNERS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Dining.</p> +<a name="H624" id="H624"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TACT</h3> +<p>It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to +compliment his hostess, saying:</p> +<p>"Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to +perfection."</p> +<p>"I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that +part," said the smiling hostess.</p> +<p>"But, madam, you have positively proved the contrary."</p> +<a name="H625" id="H625"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD</h3> +<p>When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he +had been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old +friend. It was a small house, not well built, and as he walked +about in his room the unsubstantial little house fairly shook with +his tread. When he got into bed that receptacle, unused to so much +weight, gave way, precipitating Taft on the floor.</p> +<p>His friend hurried to his door.</p> +<p>"What's the matter, Bill?"</p> +<p>"Oh, I'm all right, I guess," Taft called out to his friend +good-naturedly; "but say, Joe, if you don't find me here in the +morning look in the cellar."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One morning a few summers ago President Taft, wearing the +largest bathing suit known to modern times, threw his substantial +form into the cooling waves of Beverly Bay. Shortly afterward one +neighbor said to another: "Let's go bathing."</p> +<p>"How can we?" was the response. "The President is using the +ocean."</p> +<a name="H626" id="H626"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TALENT</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Actors and actresses.</p> +<a name="H627" id="H627"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TALKERS</h3> +<p>Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera +box-party given by a prominent member of New York society. The +hostess had been particularly talkative all during the +performance—to Mr. Clemens's increasing irritation.</p> +<p>Toward the end of the opera, she turned to him and said +gushingly:</p> +<p>"Oh, my dear Mr. Clemens, I do so want you to be with us next +Friday evening. I'm certain you will like it the opera will be +'Tosca.'"</p> +<p>"Charmed, I'm sure," replied Clemens. "I've never heard you in +that."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was a beautiful evening and Ole, who had screwed up courage +to take Mary for a ride, was carried away by the magic of the +night.</p> +<p>"Mary," he asked, "will you marry me?"</p> +<p>"Yes, Ole," she answered softly.</p> +<p>Ole lapsed into a silence that at last became painful to his +fiancée.</p> +<p>"Ole," she said desperately, "why don't you say something?"</p> +<p>"Ay tank," Ole replied, "they bane too much said already."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Sir," said the sleek-looking agent, approaching the desk of the +meek, meaching-looking man and opening one of those folding +thingumjigs showing styles of binding, "I believe I can interest +you in this massive set of books containing the speeches of the +world's greatest orators. Seventy volumes, one dollar down and one +dollar a month until the price, six hundred and eighty dollars has +been paid. This set of books gives you the most celebrated speeches +of the greatest talkers the world has ever known and—"</p> +<p>"Let me see the index," said the meek man.</p> +<p>The agent handed it to him and he looked through it carefully +and methodically, running his finger along the list of names.</p> +<p>Reaching the end he handed the index back to the agent and said: +"It isn't what you claim it is. I happen to know the greatest +talker in the world, and you haven't her in the index."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A guest was expected for dinner and Bobby had received five +cents as the price of his silence during the meal. He was as quiet +as a mouse until, discovering that his favorite dessert was being +served, he could no longer curb his enthusiasm. He drew the coin +from his pocket, and rolling it across the table, exclaimed: +"Here's your nickel, Mamma. I'd rather talk."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A belated voyager in search of hilarity stumbled home after one +o'clock and found his wife waiting for him. The curtain lecture +that followed was of unusual virulence, and in the midst of it he +fell asleep. Awakening a few hours later he found his wife still +pouring forth a regular cascade of denunciation. Eyeing her +sleepily he said curiously,</p> +<p>"Say, are you talking yet or again?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"You must not talk all the time, Ethel," said the mother who had +been interrupted.</p> +<p>"When will I be old enough to, Mama?" asked the little girl.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>While the late Justice Brewer was judge in a minor court he was +presiding at the trial of a wife's suit for separation and alimony. +The defendant acknowledged that he hadn't spoken to his wife in +five years, and Judge Brewer put in a question.</p> +<p>"What explanation have you," he asked severely, "for not +speaking to your wife in five years?"</p> +<p>"Your Honor," replied the husband, "I didn't like to interrupt +the lady."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>She was in an imaginative mood.</p> +<p>"Henry, dear," she said after talking two hours without a +recess, "I sometimes wish I were a mermaid."</p> +<p>"It would be fatal," snapped her weary hubby.</p> +<p>"Fatal! In what way?"</p> +<p>"Why, you couldn't keep your mouth closed long enough to keep +from drowning."</p> +<p>And after that, Henry did not get any supper.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Here comes Blinkers. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to +death."</p> +<p>"Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. +Let's introduce them and leave them to their +fate."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A street-car was getting under way when two women, rushing from +opposite sides of the street to greet each other, met right in the +middle of the car-track and in front of the car. There the two +stopped and began to talk. The car stopped, too, but the women did +not appear to realize that it was there. Certain of the passengers, +whose heads were immediately thrust out of the windows to ascertain +what the trouble was, began to make sarcastic remarks, but the two +women heeded them not.</p> +<p>Finally the motorman showed that he had a saving sense of humor. +Leaning over the dash-board, he inquired, in the gentlest of +tones:</p> +<p>"Pardon me, ladies, but shall I get you a couple of chairs?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A—"I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her +sorely a week ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since."</p> +<p>B—"Would you mind telling me what it was?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In general those who have nothing to say Contrive to spend the +longest time in doing it.—<i>Lowell</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Wives.</p> +<a name="H628" id="H628"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TARDINESS</h3> +<p>"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in +passing a small boy who was carrying a package.</p> +<p>"No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."—<i>Mabel +Long</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school +this morning?" the teacher asked severely.</p> +<p>"Please, ma'am," said Ethel, "I must have overwashed +myself."</p> +<a name="H629" id="H629"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TARIFF</h3> +<p>Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty +saying, "America expects every man to pay his duty?"—<i>Kent +Packard</i>.</p> +<a name="H630" id="H630"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TASTE</h3> +<p>"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," +said Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter +whose little daughter called at a friend's house and said:</p> +<p>'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'"</p> +<p>So, with great pride, the hostess led the little girl into the +drawing-room, and raised all the blinds, so that the light might +stream in abundantly upon the gorgeous colors of an expensive +Kirmanshah.</p> +<p>The little girl stared down at the rug in silence. Then, as she +turned away, she said in a rather disappointed voice:</p> +<p>"'It doesn't make <i>me</i> sick!'"</p> +<a name="H631" id="H631"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TEACHERS</h3> +<p>A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was +much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. +At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first +pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the +largest three boys of her class were sitting on the doorstep of the +schoolhouse, and by six o'clock every boy in the school and four of +the directors were waiting for her to arrive.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Why did you break your engagement with that school +teacher?"</p> +<p>"If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected +me to bring a written excuse signed by my mother."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a New +England city was one little girl who returned to her humble home +with glowing accounts of the new teacher.</p> +<p>"She's a perfect lady," exclaimed the enthusiastic +youngster.</p> +<p>The child's mother gave her a doubtful look. "How do <i>you</i> +know?" she said. "You've only known her two days."</p> +<p>"It's easy enough tellin'," continued the child. "I know she's a +perfect lady, because she makes you feel polite all the time."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MOTHER—"The teacher complains you have not had a correct +lesson for a month; why is it?"</p> +<p>SON—"She always kisses me when I get them right."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There was a meeting of the new teachers and the old. It was a +sort of love feast, reception or whatever you call it. Anyhow all +the teachers got together and pretended they didn't have a care in +the world. After the eats were et the symposiarch proposed a +toast:</p> +<p>"Long Live Our Teachers!"</p> +<p>It was drunk enthusiastically. One of the new teachers was +called on to respond. He modestly accepted. His answer was:</p> +<p>"What On?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TEACHER—"Now, Willie, where did you get that chewing gum? +I want the truth."</p> +<p>WILLIE—"You don't want the truth, teacher, an' I'd ruther +not tell a lie."</p> +<p>TEACHER—"How dare you say I don't want the truth! Tell me +at once where you got that chewing-gum."</p> +<p>WILLIE—"Under your desk."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Grave is the Master's look; his forehead wears</p> +<p class="i2">Thick rows of wrinkles, prints of worrying cares:</p> +<p class="i2">Uneasy lie the heads of all that rule,</p> +<p class="i2">His worst of all whose kingdom is a school.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>0.W. Holmes</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H632" id="H632"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TEARS</h3> +<p>Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a +hotel, when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it +was he partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his +eyes.</p> +<p>Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye cryin' fer?"</p> +<p>Pat, wishing to have Mike fooled also, exclaimed: "I'm crying +fer me poor ould mother, who's dead way over in Ireland."</p> +<p>By and by Mike took some of the radish, whereupon tears filled +<i>his</i> eyes. Pat, seeing them, asked his friend what he was +crying for.</p> +<p>Mike replied: "Because ye didn't die at the same time yer poor +ould mother did."</p> +<a name="H633" id="H633"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TEETH</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old man of Tarentum,</p> +<p class="i2">Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em:</p> +<p class="i4">And when asked for the cost</p> +<p class="i4">Of what he had lost,</p> +<p class="i2">Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Gilbert K. Chesterton</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Pat came to the office with his jaw very much swollen from a +tooth he desired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin +got into the dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps +approaching his face, he positively refused to open his mouth.</p> +<p>The dentist quietly told his office boy to prick his patient +with a pin, and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist +seized the tooth, and out it came.</p> +<p>"It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the +dentist asked smiling.</p> +<p>"Well, no," replied Pat hesitatingly, as if doubting the +truthfulness of his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on +the spot where the boy jabbed him with the pin, "begorra, little +did I think the roots would reach down like that."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An Irishman with one side of his face badly swollen stepped into +Dr. Wicten's office and inquired if the dentist was in. "I am the +dentist," said the doctor.</p> +<p>"Well, then, I want ye to see what's the matter wid me +tooth."</p> +<p>The doctor examined the offending molar, and explained: "The +nerve is dead; that's what's the matter."</p> +<p>"Thin, be the powers," the Irishman exclaimed, "the other teeth +must be houldin' a wake over it!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">For there was never yet philosopher</p> +<p class="i2">That could endure the toothache patiently.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H634" id="H634"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TELEPHONE</h3> +<p>Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what +they should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this +important conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly +for a number. One of the girls became indignant and scornfully +asked:</p> +<p>"What line do you think you are on, anyhow?"</p> +<p>"Well," said the man, "I am not sure, but, judging from what I +have heard, I should say I was on a clothesline."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When Grover Cleveland's little girl was quite young her father +once telephoned to the White House from Chicago and asked Mrs. +Cleveland to bring the child to the 'phone. Lifting the little one +up to the instrument, Mrs. Cleveland watched her expression change +from bewilderment to wonder and then to fear. It was surely her +father's voice—yet she looked at the telephone incredulously. +After examining the tiny opening in the receiver the little girl +burst into tears. "Oh, Mamma!" she sobbed. "How can we ever get +Papa out of that little hole?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>New York Elks are having a lot of fun with a member of their +lodge, a Fifteenth Street jeweler. The other day his wife was in +the jewelry store when the 'phone rang. She answered it.</p> +<p>"I want to speak to Mr. H——," said a woman's +voice.</p> +<p>"Who is this?' demanded the jeweler's wife.</p> +<p>"Elizabeth."</p> +<p>"Well, Elizabeth, this is his wife. Now, madam, what do you +want?"</p> +<p>"I want to talk to Mr. H——."</p> +<p>"You'll talk to me."</p> +<p>"Please let me speak to Mr. H——."</p> +<p>The jeweler's wife grew angry. "Look here, young lady," she +said, "who are you that calls my husband and insists on talking to +him?"</p> +<p>"I'm the telephone operator at Elizabeth, N.J.," came the +reply.</p> +<p>And now the Elks take turns calling the jeweler up and telling +him it's Elizabeth.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>OPERATOR—"Number, please."</p> +<p>SUBSCRIBER—"I vas talking mit my husband und now I don't +hear him any more. You must of pushed him off de vire."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A German woman called up Central and instructed her as +follows:</p> +<p>"Ist dis de mittle? Veil dis is Lena. Hang my hustband on dis +line. I vant to speak mit him."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may +be expected to ask:</p> +<p>"What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars +desire?"</p> +<p>"Hohi, two-three."</p> +<p>Silence. Then the exchange resumes.</p> +<p>"Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of +the insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire +to inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is +busy?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Recipe for a telephone operator:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To fearful and wonderful rolling of "r's,"</p> +<p class="i4">And a voice cold as thirty below,</p> +<p class="i2">Add a dash of red pepper, some ginger and sass</p> +<p class="i4">If you leave out the "o" in "hello"!</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H635" id="H635"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TEMPER</h3> +<p>Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to +see her favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for +her mercurial temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any +longer. I want you to go. I want you to go soon, I want you to go +right now."</p> +<p>"Lawzee," replied Dinah, "this surely am a co-instence. I was +this very minute cogitatin' that same thought in my own +mind—I want to go, I thank the good Lawd I kin go, and I pity +your husband, ma'am, that he can't go."</p> +<a name="H636" id="H636"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TEMPERANCE</h3> +<p>A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of +temperance employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his +home. In repairing a corner near the fireplace, it was found +necessary to remove the wainscot, when some things were brought to +light which greatly astonished the workman. A brace of decanters, +sundry bottles containing "something to take," a pitcher, and +tumblers were cosily reposing in their snug quarters. The joiner +ran to the proprietor with the intelligence.</p> +<p>"Well, I declare!" exclaimed the deacon. "That is curious, sure +enough. It must be old Captain Bunce that left those things there +when he occupied the premises thirty years since."</p> +<p>"Perhaps he did, returned the discoverer, but, Deacon, that ice +in the pitcher must have been well frozen to remain +solid."—<i>Abbie C. Dixon</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to a temperance supper,</p> +<p class="i4">With water in glasses tall,</p> +<p class="i2">And coffee and tea to end with</p> +<p class="i4">And me not there at all.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The best prohibition story of the season comes from Kansas +where, it is said, a local candidate stored a lot of printed +prohibition literature in his barn, but accidentally left the door +open and a herd of milch cows came in and ate all the pamphlets. As +a result every cow in the herd went dry.—<i>Adrian +Times</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Michigan citizen recently received a letter from a Kentucky +whisky house, requesting him to send them the names of a dozen or +more persons who would like to get some fine whisky shipped to them +at a very low price. The letter wound up by saying:</p> +<p>"We will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by +parties whose names you send us."</p> +<p>The Michigan man belonged to a practical joke class, and filled +in the names of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces +left for that purpose.</p> +<p>He had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when +Monday he received another letter from the same house. He supposed +it was a request for some more names, and was just about to throw +the communication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to +send the name of another old friend to the whisky house. He +accordingly tore open the envelope, and came near collapsing when +he found a check for $4.80, representing his commission on the sale +of whisky to the parties whose names he had sent in about three +weeks before.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be +difficult.—<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p> +<a name="H637" id="H637"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TEXAS</h3> +<p>The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of +the map. But its effect upon the people of that state is not +generally known. It is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at +the bottom of the map, to Dallas, which is several hundreds of +miles from the top of the map. Hence the following conversation in +Brownsville recently between two of the old-time residents:</p> +<p>"Where have you been lately, Bob? I ain't seen much of you."</p> +<p>"Been on a trip north."</p> +<p>"Where'd you go?"</p> +<p>"Went to Dallas."</p> +<p>"Have a good time?"</p> +<p>"Naw; I never did like them damn Yankees, anyway."</p> +<a name="H638" id="H638"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TEXTS</h3> +<p>In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had +declared colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without +previous meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The +voice of the turtle shall be heard in the land." Not noting that +the margin read "turtle-dove," he proceeded in this manner:</p> +<p>"This text, my hearers, strikes me as one of the most peculiar +texts in the whole book, because we all know that a turtle ain't +got no voice. But by the inward enlightenment I begin to see the +meaning and will expose it to you. Down in the hollers by the +streams and ponds you have gone in the springtime, my brethren, and +observed the little turtles, a-sleeping on the logs. But at the +sound of the approach of a human being, they went +<i>kerflop-kerplunk</i>, down into the water. This I say, then, is +the meaning of the prophet: he, speakinging figgeratively, referred +to the <i>kerflop</i> of the turtle as the <i>voice</i> of the +turtle, and hence we see that in those early times the prophet, +looking down at the ages to come, clearly taught and prophesied the +doctrine I have always preached to this congregation—<i>that +immersion is the only form of baptism."</i></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>John D. Rockefeller, Jr., once asked a clergyman to give him an +appropriate Bible verse on which to base an address which he was to +make at the latter's church.</p> +<p>"I was thinking," said young Rockefeller, "that I would take the +verse from the Twenty-third Psalm: 'The Lord is my shepherd.' Would +that seem appropriate?"</p> +<p>"Quite," said the clergyman; "but do you really want an +appropriate verse?"</p> +<p>"I certainly do," was the reply.</p> +<p>"Well, then," said the clergyman, with a twinkle in his eye, "I +would select the verse in the same Psalm: 'Thou anointest my head +with oil; my cup runneth over.'"</p> +<a name="H639" id="H639"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>THEATER</h3> +<p>"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a +producer of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a +film-drama. Listen to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior +of a Broadway theater, with the ticket-speculators getting the coin +in handfuls, and—"</p> +<p>"You're out!" interrupted the producer. "Why, don't you know +that the law don't permit us to show an actual robbery on the +screen?"—<i>P.H. Carey</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Why don't women have the same sense of humor that men possess?" +asked Mr. Torkins.</p> +<p>"Perhaps," answered his wife gently, "it's because we don't +attend the same theaters."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It appears that at the rehearsal of a play, a wonderful climax +had been reached, which was to be heightened by the effective use +of the usual thunder and lightning. The stage-carpenter was given +the order. The words were spoken, and instantly a noise which +resembled a succession of pistol-shots was heard off the wings.</p> +<p>"What on earth are you doing, man?" shouted the manager, rushing +behind the scenes. "Do you call that thunder? It's not a bit like +it."</p> +<p>"Awfully sorry, sir," responded the carpenter; "but the fact is, +sir, I couldn't hear you because of the storm. That was real +thunder, sir!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Everybody has his own theater, in which he is manager, actor, +prompter, playwright, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in +one, and audience into the bargain.—<i>J.C. and A.W. +Hare</i>.</p> +<a name="H640" id="H640"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>THIEVES</h3> +<p>GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)—"Well, Ras, so you +want me to defend you. Have you any money?"</p> +<p>RASTUS—"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a +hog or two."</p> +<p>LAWYER—"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do +they accuse you of stealing?"</p> +<p>RASTUS—"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or +two."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on +the Balkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his +host that the minister of justice, who had been sitting on his +left, had stolen his watch.</p> +<p>"Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the prime minister, in +tones of annoyance. "I will get it back for you."</p> +<p>Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was +returned to its owner.</p> +<p>"And what did he say?" asked the diplomat.</p> +<p>"Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He +doesn't know that I have got it back."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Senator "Bob" Taylor, of Tennessee, tells a story of how, when +he was "Fiddling Bob," governor of that state, an old negress came +to him and said:</p> +<p>"Massa Gov'na, we's mighty po' this winter, and Ah wish you +would pardon mah old man. He is a fiddler same as you is, and he's +in the pen'tentry."</p> +<p>"What was he put in for?" asked the governor.</p> +<p>"Stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole +some bacon."</p> +<p>"If he is good for nothing what do you want him back for?"</p> +<p>"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in," said the old +negress innocently.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that +'oss?"</p> +<p>"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay +for 'im like any other gentleman?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia +to see a prize fight. One "wise guy," who, among other things, is +something of a pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was +willing to bet on it.</p> +<p>"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe," he told a friend.</p> +<p>The friend expressed doubts.</p> +<p>"Sure he'll win," the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold +watch he wins."</p> +<p>Still the friend doubted.</p> +<p>"Why," exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good +gold watch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train +with me now, an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">In vain we call old notions fudge</p> +<p class="i4">And bend our conscience to our dealing.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The Ten Commandments will not budge</p> +<p class="i4">And stealing will continue stealing.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Motto of American Copyright League</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind;</p> +<p class="i2">The thief doth fear each bush an officer.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Chicken stealing; Lawyers; Lost and found.</p> +<a name="H641" id="H641"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>THIN PEOPLE</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was an old fellow named Green,</p> +<p class="i2">Who grew so abnormally lean,</p> +<p class="i4">And flat, and compressed,</p> +<p class="i4">That his back touched his chest,</p> +<p class="i2">And sideways he couldn't be seen.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady of Lynn,</p> +<p class="i2">Who was so excessively thin,</p> +<p class="i4">That when she essayed</p> +<p class="i4">To drink lemonade</p> +<p class="i2">She slipped through the straw and fell in.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H642" id="H642"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>THRIFT</h3> +<p>It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland +that if he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would +invariably choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a +stranger asked him:</p> +<p>"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference +in value?</p> +<p>"Aye," answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if +I took the saxpence they would never try me again."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The Mrs. never misses</p> +<p class="i4">Any bargain sale,</p> +<p class="i2">For the female of the species</p> +<p class="i4">Is more thrifty than the male.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>McANDREWS (the chemist, at two A.M.)—"Two penn'orth of +bicarbonate of soda for indigestion at this time o' night, when a +glass of hot water does just as well!"</p> +<p>SANDY (hastily)—"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not +bother ye, after all. Gude nicht!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The foreman and his crew of bridgemen were striving hard to make +an impression on the select board provided by Mrs. Rooney at her +Arkansas eating establishment.</p> +<p>"The old man sure made a funny deal down at Piney yesterday," +observed the foreman, with a wink at the man to his right.</p> +<p>"What'd he do?" asked the new man at the other end of the +table.</p> +<p>"Well, a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there, but +they took down the tub and brought it up to Cabin Creek. The well +went dry and they covered it over. It was four or five feet round, +ninety feet deep, and plumb in the right of way. Didn't know what +to do with it until along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives +the Old Man five dollars for it."</p> +<p>"Five dollars for what?" asked the new man.</p> +<p>"Well," continued the foreman, ignoring the interruption, "that +old lollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up +out of there and carried her home on wheels.'</p> +<p>"What'd he do with it?" persisted the new man.</p> +<p>"Say that old lollypop must've been a Yank. Nobody else could +have figured it out. The ground on his place is hard and he needed +some more fence. So he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to +saw that old well up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig +'em."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A certain workman, notorious for his sponging proclivities, met +a friend one morning, and opened the conversation by saying:</p> +<p>"Can ye len' us a match, John?"</p> +<p>John having supplied him with the match, the first speaker began +to feel his pockets ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully, +"Man, I seem to have left my tobacco pouch at hame."</p> +<p>John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his +hand, remarked:</p> +<p>"Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Highlander was summoned to the bedside of his dying father. +When he arrived the old man was fast nearing his end. For a while +he remained unconscious of his son's presence. Then at last the old +man's eyes opened, and he began to murmur. The son bent eagerly to +listen.</p> +<p>"Dugald," whispered the parent, "Luckie Simpson owes me five +shilling."</p> +<p>"Ay, man, ay," said the son eagerly.</p> +<p>"An" Dugal More owes me seven shillins."</p> +<p>"Ay," assented the son.</p> +<p>"An' Hamish McCraw owes me ten shillins."</p> +<p>"Sensible tae the last," muttered the delighted heir. "Sensible +tae the last."</p> +<p>Once more the voice from the bed took up the tale.</p> +<p>"An', Dugald, I owe Calum Beg two pounds."</p> +<p>Dugald shook his head sadly.</p> +<p>"Wanderin' again, wanderin' again," he sighed. "It's a +peety."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The canny Scot wandered into the pharmacy.</p> +<p>"I'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum," he announced.</p> +<p>"What for?" asked the chemist suspiciously.</p> +<p>"For twopence," responded the Scot at once.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Scotsman wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a +proposal of marriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the +entire day at the telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in +the evening by an affirmative answer.</p> +<p>"If I were you," suggested the operator when he delivered the +message, "I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me +waiting all day for my answer."</p> +<p>"Na, na," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night +rates is the lass for me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Well, yes," said Old Uncle Lazzenberry, who was intimately +acquainted with most of the happenstances of the village, "Almira +Stang has broken off her engagement with Charles Henry Tootwiler. +They'd be goin' together for about eight years, durin' which time +she had been inculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the +beauties of economy; but when she discovered, just lately, that he +had learnt his lesson so well that he had saved up two hundred and +seventeen pairs of socks for her to darn immediately after the +wedding, she 'peared to conclude that he had taken her advice a +little too literally, and broke off the +match."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>They sat each at an extreme end of the horsehair sofa. They had +been courting now for something like two years, but the wide gap +between had always been respectfully preserved.</p> +<p>"A penny for your thochts, Sandy," murmured Maggie, after a +silence of an hour and a half.</p> +<p>"Weel," replied Sandy slowly, with surprising boldness, "tae +tell ye the truth, I was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye +were tae gie me a wee bit kissie."</p> +<p>"I've nae objection," simpered Maggie, slithering over, and +kissed him plumply on the tip of his left ear.</p> +<p>Sandy relapsed into a brown study once more, and the clock +ticked twenty-seven minutes.</p> +<p>"An' what are ye thinkin' about noo—anither, eh?"</p> +<p>"Nae, nae, lassie; it's mair serious the noo."</p> +<p>"Is it, laddie?" asked Maggie softly. Her heart was going +pit-a-pat with expectation. "An' what micht it be?"</p> +<p>"I was jist thinkin'," answered Sandy, "that it was aboot time +ye were paying me that penny!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The coward calls himself cautious, the miser +thrifty.—<i>Syrus</i>.</p> +<p>There are but two ways of paying debt: increase of industry in +raising income, increase of thrift in laying +out.—<i>Carlyle</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Economy; Saving.</p> +<a name="H643" id="H643"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TIDES</h3> +<p>A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and +very fat bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of +tides, and he did not notice that each succeeding wave came a +little closer to his feet. At last an extra big wave washed over +his shoe tops.</p> +<p>"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer +jumpin' up and down! D'ye want to drown me?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a recent Confederate reunion in Charleston, S.C., two +Kentuckians were viewing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.</p> +<p>"Say, cap'n," said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to +the children for a souvenir?"</p> +<p>"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water +would be right interestin'."</p> +<p>"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear +pocket he produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon +emptied it. Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he +filled it to the neck and replaced the cork.</p> +<p>"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm. +"Pour out about a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide +rises she'll bust sure."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Nae man can tether time or tide.—<i>Burns</i>.</p> +<a name="H644" id="H644"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TIME</h3> +<p>Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having +more to do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the +clock and then slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back +on the lid with a clatter. "Talk about toime and toide waitin' fer +no man," she muttered as she hurried into the pantry; "there's +toimes they waits, an' toimes they don't. Yistherday at this +blessed minit 'twas but tin o'clock an' to-day it's a quarther to +twilve."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MRS. MURPHY—"Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is +pretty bad off."</p> +<p>MRS. CASEY—"Shure, he's good for a year yit."</p> +<p>MRS. MURPHY—"As long as thot?"</p> +<p>MRS. CASEY—"Yis; he's had four different doctors, and each +one av thim give him three months to live."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one +of the judges of the superior court in a western state. He had +rambled on in such a desultory way that it became very difficult to +follow his line of thought, and the judge had just yawned very +suggestively.</p> +<p>With just a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorney +ventured to observe: "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly +trespassing on the time of this court."</p> +<p>"My friend," returned his honor, "there is a considerable +difference between trespassing on time and encroaching upon +eternity."—<i>Edwin Tarrisse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A traveler, finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, +called a cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. +At first all went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his +horse so that they narrowly escaped several collisions.</p> +<p>"What's the matter?" demanded the passenger. "Why are you +driving so recklessly? I'm in no hurry."</p> +<p>"Ah, g'wan wid yez," retorted the cabby. "D'ye think thot I'm +goin' to put in me whole day drivin' ye around for two hours? +Gitap!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Frank comes into the house in a sorry plight.</p> +<p>"Mercy on us!" exclaims his father. "How you look! You are +soaked."</p> +<p>"Please, papa, I fell into the canal."</p> +<p>"What! with your new trousers on?"</p> +<p>"Yes, papa, I didn't have time to take them off."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride's new home for +the first time, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a +soprano voice singing "Nearer, My God, to Thee." As the Bishop lay +in bed he meditated upon the piety which his young hostess must +possess to enable her to begin her day's work in such a beautiful +frame of mind.</p> +<p>At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased +he was.</p> +<p>"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three +verses for soft and five for hard."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There was a young woman named Sue, Who wanted to catch the 2:02; +Said the trainman, "Don't hurry Or flurry or worry; It's a minute +or two to 2:02."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>FATHER—"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank +you."</p> +<p>On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more +acknowledged that she had again disobeyed.</p> +<p>FATHER (firmly)—"You are going to be spanked. You may +choose your own time. When shall it be?"</p> +<p>MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)—"Yesterday."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A northerner passing a rundown looking place in the South, +stopped to chat with the farmer. He noticed the hogs running wild +and explained that in the North the farmers fattened their hogs +much faster by shutting them in and feeding them well.</p> +<p>"Hell!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Dost thou love life? Then waste not time; for time is the stuff +that life is made of.—<i>Benjamin Franklin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Time fleeth on,</p> +<p class="i2">Youth soon is gone,</p> +<p class="i4">Naught earthly may abide;</p> +<p class="i2">Life seemeth fast,</p> +<p class="i2">But may not last</p> +<p class="i4">It runs as runs the tide.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Leland</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Scientific management.</p> +<a name="H645" id="H645"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TIPS</h3> +<p>American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble +from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect +any service, however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too +far, or else attempt to resist it altogether. There is a story told +of a wealthy and ostentatious American in a Parisian restaurant. As +the waiter placed the order before him he said in a loud voice:</p> +<p>"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?"</p> +<p>"One thousand francs, monsieur."</p> +<p>"<i>Eh bien</i>! But I will give you two thousand," answered the +upholder of American honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I +ask who gave you the thousand francs?"</p> +<p>"It was yourself, monsieur," said the obsequious waiter.</p> +<p>Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American +visiting London for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the +incessant necessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of +his hotel, only to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please +tip the basin after using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the +Yankee, turning on his heel, "I'll go dirty first!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Grant Alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade +of the Sphinx, turning for some petty point of detail to his +Baedeker.</p> +<p>A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good," +he said in a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for +you see Baedeker?"</p> +<p>"No, no; Baedeker is best," answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you +object to Baedeker?"</p> +<p>The shick crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the +pitying eyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book," he repeated; "Murray +very, very good. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown'; +Baedeker say, 'Give the sheik a shilling.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What do you consider the most important event in the history of +Paris?"</p> +<p>"Well," replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing +tips, "so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say +the discovery of America was the making of this town."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In telling this one, Miss Glaser always states that she does not +want it understood that she considers the Scotch people at all +stingy; but they are a very careful and thrifty race.</p> +<p>An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well +known Scotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of +introduction to him. Miss Glaser, wishing to show him all the +attention possible, invited him to a dinner which she was giving in +London and after rather an elaborate repast the bill was paid, the +waiter returning five shillings. She let it lie, intending, of +course, to give it to the waiter. The Scotchman glanced at the +money very frequently, and finally he said, his natural thrift +getting the best of him:</p> +<p>"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?"</p> +<p>In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied:</p> +<p>"No, take some."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"A tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because +you're afraid he won't like not being paid for something you +haven't asked him to do."—<i>The Bailie, Glasgow</i>.</p> +<a name="H646" id="H646"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY</h3> +<p>An English lord was traveling through this country with a small +party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to +supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering +she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise +and elation.</p> +<p>While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she +grant her distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please +him. It was "My Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do +try that," "Take a piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was +nearly finished.</p> +<p>The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore +unnoticed, during a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying +to reach the pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and +turning to his mother said:</p> +<p>"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the +pages strict orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at +the Dean's door, and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was +to say: "The boy, my Lord." According to directions he knocked and +the Dean asked: "Who is there?" Embarrassed by the voice of the +great man the page answered: "The Lord, my boy."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How did he get his title of colonel?"</p> +<p>"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who +was a captain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their +titles.—<i>Machiavelli</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to +maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the +character of an "Honest Man."—<i>George Washington</i>.</p> +<a name="H647" id="H647"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TOASTS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman.</p> +<a name="H648" id="H648"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TOBACCO</h3> +<p>"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate +smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was +diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up +the well caved in."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Smoking.</p> +<a name="H649" id="H649"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TOURISTS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Liars; Travelers.</p> +<a name="H650" id="H650"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TRADE UNIONS</h3> +<p>CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE—"Is this the place where you are +happy all the time?"</p> +<p>ST. PETER (proudly)—"It is, sir."</p> +<p>"Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only +agree to be happy eight hours a day."</p> +<a name="H651" id="H651"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TRAMPS</h3> +<p>LADY—"Can't you find work?"</p> +<p>TRAMP—"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last +employer."</p> +<p>LADY—"And can't you get one?"</p> +<p>TRAMP—"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight +years."</p> +<a name="H652" id="H652"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TRANSMUTATION</h3> +<p>Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose +stories and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They +stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman +in a particularly noticeable sheath-gown passed. Simultaneously, +Wood turned to Stone; Stone turned to Wood; then both turned to +rubber.</p> +<a name="H653" id="H653"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TRAVELERS</h3> +<p>An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every +point of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a +Shinto funeral. Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the +hotel, asking him to instruct her guide to take her to one. The +clerk was politeness itself. He bowed gravely and replied: "I am +very sorry, Madam, but this is not the season for funerals."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world +tells the following on himself:</p> +<p>"I was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in +Scotland four miles from a railway station.</p> +<p>"The 'chairman' of the occasion, after introducing me as 'the +mon wha's coom here tae broaden oor intellects,' said that he felt +a wee bit of prayer would not be out of place.</p> +<p>"'O Lord,' he continued, 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae +speak the truth, the hale truth, and naething but the truth, and +gie us grace tae understan' him.'</p> +<p>"Then, with a glance at me, the chairman said, 'I've been a +traveler meself!'"—<i>Fenimore Marlin</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two young Americans touring Italy for the first time stopped off +one night at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a +cafe. Going hilariously home one pushed the other against a +building and held him there.</p> +<p>"Great heavens!" cried the man next the wall, suddenly glancing +up at the structure above him. "See what we're doing!" Both +roisterers fled.</p> +<p>They left town on an early morning train, not thinking it safe +to stay over and see the famous leaning tower.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. Hiram Jones had just returned from a personally conducted +tour of Europe.</p> +<p>"I suppose," commented a friend, "that when you were in England +you did as the English do and dropped your H's."</p> +<p>"No," moodily responded the returned traveller; "I didn't. I did +as the Americans do. I dropped my V's and X's."</p> +<p>Then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't +get the mortgage extended.—<i>W. Hanny</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A number of tourists were recently looking down the crater of +Vesuvius. An American gentleman said to his companion.</p> +<p>"That looks a good deal like the infernal regions."</p> +<p>An English lady, overhearing the remark, said to another:</p> +<p>"Good gracious! How these Americans do travel."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An American tourist hailing from the west was out sight-seeing +in London. They took him aboard the old battle-ship <i>Victory</i>, +which was Lord Nelson's flagship in several of his most famous +naval triumphs. An English sailor escorted the American over the +vessel, and coming to a raised brass tablet on the deck he said, as +he reverently removed his hat:</p> +<p>"'Ere, sir, is the spot where Lord Nelson fell."</p> +<p>"Oh, is it?" replied the American, blankly. "Well, that ain't +nothin'. I nearly tripped on the blame thing myself."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On one of the famous scenic routes of the west there is a +brakeman who has lost the forefinger of his right hand.</p> +<p>His present assignment as rear-end brakeman on a passenger train +places him in the observation car, where he is the target for an +almost unceasing fusillade of questions from tourists who insist +upon having the name, and, if possible, the history, of all the +mountain cañons and points of interest along the route.</p> +<p>One especially enthusiastic lady tourist had kept up her +Gattling fire of questions until she had thoroughly mastered the +geography of the country. Then she ventured to ask the brakeman how +he had lost his finger:</p> +<p>"Cut off in making a coupling between cars, I suppose?"</p> +<p>"No, madam; I wore that finger off pointing out scenery to +tourists."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Know most of the rooms of thy native country before thou goest +over the threshold thereof.—<i>Fuller</i>.</p> +<p>When I was at home, I was in a better place; but travelers must +be content.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +<p>As the Spanish proverb says, "He who would bring home the wealth +of the Indies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him." So it +is in traveling: a man must carry knowledge with him, if he would +bring home knowledge.—<i>Samuel Johnson</i>.</p> +<a name="H654" id="H654"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TREASON</h3> +<p>It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an +anti-Parnellite, criticising the ways of tenants in treating +absentee landlords, exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: +"Why, it looks very much like treason."</p> +<p>Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue: +"Sure, treason is reason when there's an absent 't'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason?</p> +<p class="i2">Why if it prosper, none dare call it treason.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H655" id="H655"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TREES</h3> +<p>CURIOUS CHARLEY—"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"</p> +<p>FATHER—"They do, my son."</p> +<p>CURIOUS CHARLEY—"Then what tree does the doughnut grow +on?"</p> +<p>FATHER—"The pantry, my son."</p> +<a name="H656" id="H656"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TRIGONOMETRY</h3> +<p>A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked +around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," +he said, "what's this man charged with?"</p> +<p>"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three +wives."</p> +<p>The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such +ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not +bigotry—that's trigonometry."</p> +<a name="H657" id="H657"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TROUBLE</h3> +<p>"What is the trouble, wifey?"</p> +<p>"Nothing."</p> +<p>"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that +happened at home or something that happened in a novel?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was married men's night at the revival meeting.</p> +<p>"Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!" +shouted the preacher at the height of his spasm.</p> +<p>Instantly every man in the church arose except one.</p> +<p>"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone +individual, who occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a +million."</p> +<p>"It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of +the congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get +up—I'm paralyzed!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>JUDGE—"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted."</p> +<p>PRISONER (to the jury)—"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to +have given you all this trouble for nothing."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after +several years' absence, met one of the old negroes, a former +servant of his family. "Uncle Moses," he said, "I hear you got +married."</p> +<p>"Yes, Marse Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome +time, Marse Tom, moughty troublesome."</p> +<p>"What's the trouble?" said my friend.</p> +<p>"Why, dat yaller woman, Marse Tom. She all de time axin' me fer +money. She don't give me no peace."</p> +<p>"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?"</p> +<p>"Nigh on ter two years, come dis spring."</p> +<p>"And how much money have you given her?"</p> +<p>"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit."—<i>Sue M.M. +Halsey</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear tight +shoes.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people +bear three—all they have had, all they have now, and all they +expect to have.—<i>Edward Everett Hale</i>.</p> +<a name="H658" id="H658"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TRUSTS</h3> +<p>A trust is known by the companies it keeps.—<i>Ellis O. +Jones</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>TOMPKINS—"Ventley has received a million dollars for his +patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely +interference-proof, and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is +being laid."</p> +<p>DEWLEY—"Is the machine on the market yet?"</p> +<p>TOMKINS—"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The +patent was bought by the Cold Storage Trust."</p> +<a name="H659" id="H659"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TRUTH</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a young lady named Ruth,</p> +<p class="i2">Who had a great passion for truth.</p> +<p class="i4">She said she would die</p> +<p class="i4">Before she would lie,</p> +<p class="i2">And she died in the prime of her youth.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are +too tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the +truth.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the +sea.—<i>Democritus</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Tis strange—but true; for truth is always strange, +Stranger than fiction."—<i>Byron</i>.</p> +<a name="H660" id="H660"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TURKEYS</h3> +<p>"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to +a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, +when I was a boy, as the central figure!"</p> +<p>"Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of +them."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<a name="H661" id="H661"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TUTORS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A tutor who tooted a flute</p> +<p class="i2">Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.</p> +<p class="i4">Said the two to the tutor,</p> +<p class="i4">"Is it harder to toot, or</p> +<p class="i2">To tutor two tutors to toot?"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Carolyn Wells</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H662" id="H662"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>TWINS</h3> +<p>"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"</p> +<p>"Aw, 't is aisy—I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' +if he bites I know it's Moike."—<i>Harvard Lampoon</i>.</p> +<a name="H663" id="H663"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>UMBRELLAS</h3> +<p>A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a +card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This +umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. +I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to seek his property +he found in its place a card thus inscribed: "This card was left +here by a man who can run twelve miles an hour. I shall not be +back."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired. At +noon he had luncheon in a restaurant, and as he was departing he +absent-mindedly started to take an umbrella from a hook near his +hat.</p> +<p>"That's mine, sir," said a woman at the next table.</p> +<p>He apologized and went out. When he was going home in a street +car with his four repaired umbrellas, the woman he had seen in the +restaurant got in. She glanced from him to his umbrellas and +said:</p> +<p>"I see you had a good day."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"That's a swell umbrella you carry."</p> +<p>"Isn't it?"</p> +<p>"Did you come by it honestly?"</p> +<p>"I haven't quite figured out. It started to rain the other day +and I stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a +young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought +if he was going as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his +timbershoot. So I stepped out and asked: 'Where are you going with +that umbrella, young fellow?' and he dropped the umbrella and +ran."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella. "It's wonderful how +I make things last," he exclaimed. "Look at this umbrella, now. I +bought it eleven years ago. Since then I had it recovered twice. I +had new ribs put in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a +new one in a restaurant. And here it is—as good as new."</p> +<a name="H664" id="H664"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>VALUE</h3> +<p>"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he +has no idea of the value of money."</p> +<p>"You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?"</p> +<p>"Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to +have any appreciation of all the things he might buy with it."</p> +<a name="H665" id="H665"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>VANITY</h3> +<p>MCGORRY—"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain +enough ahlriddy."</p> +<p>MRS. MCGORRY—"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf +half as good lookin' as Oi am."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Of course," said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women +are vain and men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is +so. Why, the necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now +up the back of his collar." There were six men present and each of +them put his hand gently behind his neck.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, +bringing with her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise +of becoming as great a beauty as her mother.</p> +<p>It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the +friend had been receiving a milliner, and there were several +beautiful hats lying about. During the conversation the little girl +amused herself by examining the milliner's creations. Of the number +that she tried on, she seemed particularly pleased with a large +black affair which set off her light hair charmingly. Turning to +her mother, the little girl said:</p> +<p>"I look just like you now, Mother, don't I?"</p> +<p>"Sh!" cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger. "Don't be +vain, dear."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that +which wounds our own.—<i>La Rochefoucauld</i>.</p> +<a name="H666" id="H666"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>VERSATILITY</h3> +<p>A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this +reply:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"<i>Dear Sir</i>:</p> +<p>"I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher, +either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years I beg +to apply for the position."</p> +</blockquote> +<a name="H667" id="H667"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>VOICE</h3> +<p>A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to +order some groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing +through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all +hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont +to cause his voice to undergo sudden and involuntary changes from +high treble to low bass.</p> +<p>In an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy +clerk, "Give me a can of corn" (then, his voice suddenly changing +to a shrill falsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour."</p> +<p>"Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on both of you at +once," snapped the clerk.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>ASPIRING VOCALIST—"Professor, do you think I will ever be +able to do anything with my voice?"</p> +<p>PERSPIRING TEACHER—"Well it might come in handy in case of +fire or shipwreck."—<i>Cornell Widow</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The devil hath not, in all his quiver's choice,</p> +<p class="i2">An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H668" id="H668"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WAGES</h3> +<p>"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a +little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from +"Santa Lucia." "Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty +da month if da boss eata me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Commenting on the comparatively small salaries allowed by +Congress for services rendered in the executive branch of the +Government and the more liberal pay of some of the officials, a man +in public life said:</p> +<p>"It reminds me of the way a gang of laborers used to be paid +down my way. The money was thrown at a ladder, and what stuck to +the rungs went to the workers, while that which fell through went +to the bosses."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of +lecturing his office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, +the office boy, comes in for his full share of the admonition. That +his words were appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a +conversation between Tommy and another office boy on the same floor +which he recently overheard.</p> +<p>"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy.</p> +<p>"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy.</p> +<p>"Aw, g'wan!"</p> +<p>"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash, +an' de rest in legal advice."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington +bookstore the following sign caught his eye:</p> +<p class="center">DICKENS' WORKS<br /> +ALL THIS WEEK FOR<br /> +ONLY $4.OO</p> +<p>"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty +scab!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The difference between wages and salary is—when you +receive wages you save two dollars a month, when you receive salary +you borrow two dollars a month.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>He is well paid that is well +satisfied.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal +amount of wealth, but in which each gets in proportion to his +contribution to the general stock.—<i>Henry George</i>.</p> +<a name="H669" id="H669"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WAITERS</h3> +<p>Recipe for a waiter:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to +please,</p> +<p class="i4">Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips;</p> +<p class="i2">Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce,</p> +<p class="i4">Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Life</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H670" id="H670"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WAR</h3> +<p>"Flag of truce, Excellency."</p> +<p>"Well, what do the revolutionists want?"</p> +<p>"They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of +condensed milk."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half +full of water, crawl into it, and stay there for a day or two +without anything to eat, get a lunatic to shoot at you with a brace +of revolvers and a machine gun, and you will have something just as +good, and you will save your country a great deal of expense.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Who are those people who are cheering?" asked the recruit as +the soldiers marched to the train.</p> +<p>"Those," replied the veteran, "are the people who are not +going."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">He who did well in war, just earns the right</p> +<p class="i2">To begin doing well in peace.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Robert Browning</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle +[patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or +some reward.—<i>George Washington</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Arbitration, International; European War.</p> +<a name="H671" id="H671"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WARNINGS</h3> +<p>Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang +at railroad construction. He had been told to beware of +rattlesnakes, but assured that they would always give the warning +rattle before striking.</p> +<p>One hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when +he saw a big rattler coiled a few feet in front of him. He eyed the +serpent and began to lift his legs over the log. He had barely got +them out of the way when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath +him.</p> +<p>"Son of a guna!" yelled Pietro. "Why you no ringa da bell?"</p> +<a name="H672" id="H672"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WASHINGTON, GEORGE</h3> +<p>A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something +about George Washington, and finally she asked:</p> +<p>"Can any one now tell me which Washington was—a great +general or a great admiral?"</p> +<p>The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and she signaled +him to speak.</p> +<p>"He was a great general," said the boy. "I seen a picture of him +crossing the Delaware, and no great admiral would put out from +shore standing up in a skiff."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Scotsman visiting America stood gazing at a fine statue of +George Washington, when an American approached.</p> +<p>"That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; "a +lie never passed his lips."</p> +<p>"Weel," said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose +like the rest of ye."</p> +<a name="H673" id="H673"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WASPS</h3> +<p>The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own +inimitable way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to +hold on.</p> +<a name="H674" id="H674"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WASTE</h3> +<p>The automobile rushed down the road—huge, gigantic, +sublime. Over the fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her +husband is at the cafe and she has thirteen little ones. (An +unlucky number.) Suddenly upon the thirteenth came the auto, +unseeing, slew him, and hummed on, unknowing. The woman who works +hard and long rushed forward with hands, hands made rough by toil, +upraised. She paused and stood inarticulate—a goddess, a +giantess. Then she hurled forth these words of derision, of +despair: "Mon Dieu! And I'd just washed him!"—<i>Literally +translated from Le Sport of Paris</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Boston physician tells of the case of a ten-year-old boy, who, +by reason of an attack of fever, became deaf. The physician could +afford the lad but little relief, so the boy applied himself to the +task of learning the deaf-and-dumb alphabet. The other members of +his family, too, acquired a working knowledge of the alphabet, in +order that they might converse with the unfortunate youngster.</p> +<p>During the course of the next few months, however, Tommy's +hearing suddenly returned to him, assisted no doubt by a slight +operation performed by the physician.</p> +<p>Every one was, of course, delighted, particularly the boy's +mother, who one day exclaimed:</p> +<p>"Oh, Tommy, isn't it delightful to talk to and hear us +again?"</p> +<p>"Yes," assented Tommy, but with a degree of hesitation; "but +here we've all learned the sign language, and we can't find any +more use for it!"</p> +<a name="H675" id="H675"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WEALTH</h3> +<p>If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if +you want to get rich you must go about it in some other way.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got +together in the first place.—<i>Puck</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>He that is proud of riches is a fool. For if he be exalted above +his neighbors because he hath more gold, how much inferior is he to +a gold mine!—<i>Jeremy Taylor</i>.</p> +<a name="H676" id="H676"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WEATHER</h3> +<p>"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of +the returned traveler.</p> +<p>"You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the +traveler. "It bumps into you at every corner."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced +in winter in the North of Scotland.</p> +<p>"Why, it's nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the +States," said the American. "I can recollect one winter when a +sheep, jumping from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen +on the way, and stuck in the air like a mass of ice."</p> +<p>"But, man," exclaimed the Scotsman, "the law of gravity wouldn't +allow that."</p> +<p>"I know that," replied the tale-pitcher. "But the law of gravity +was frozen, too!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two commercial travelers, one from London and one from New York, +were discussing the weather in their respective countries.</p> +<p>The Englishman said that English weather had one great +fault—its sudden changes.</p> +<p>"A person may take a walk one day," he said, "attired in a light +summer suit, and still feel quite warm. Next day he needs an +overcoat."</p> +<p>"That's nothing," said the American. "My two friends, Johnson +and Jones, were once having an argument. There were eight or nine +inches of snow on the ground. The argument got heated, and Johnson +picked up a snowball and threw it at Jones from a distance of not +more than five yards. During the transit of that snowball, believe +me or not, as you like, the weather changed and became hot and +summer like, and Jones, instead of being hit with a snowball, +was—er—scalded with hot water!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Ex-President Taft on one of his trips was playing golf on a +western links when he noticed that he had a particularly good +caddie, an old man of some sixty years, as they have on the +Scottish links.</p> +<p>"And what do you do in winter?" asked the President.</p> +<p>"Such odd jobs as I can pick up, sir," replied the man.</p> +<p>"Not much chance for caddying then, I suppose?" asked the +President.</p> +<p>"No, sir, there is not," replied the man with a great deal of +warmth. "When there's no frost there's sure to be snow, and when +there's no snow there's frost, and when there's neither there's +sure to be rain. And the few days when it's fine they're always +Sundays."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp fall +morning, James Whitcomb Riley met an unusually large number of +acquaintances who commented conventionally upon the fine weather. +This unremitting applause amused him. When greeted at the office +with "Nice day, Mr. Riley," he smiled broadly.</p> +<p>"Yes," he agreed. "Yes, I've heard it very highly spoken +of."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The darky in question had simmered in the heat of St. Augustine +all his life, and was decoyed by the report that colored men could +make as much as $4 a day in Duluth.</p> +<p>He headed North in a seersucker suit and into a hard winter. At +Chicago, while waiting for a train, he shivered in an engine room, +and on the way to Duluth sped by miles of snow fields.</p> +<p>On arriving he found the mercury at 18 below and promptly lost +the use of his hands. Then his feet stiffened and he lost all +sensation.</p> +<p>They picked him up and took him to a crematory for unknown dead. +After he had been in the oven for awhile somebody opened the door +for inspection. Rastus came to and shouted:</p> +<p>"Shut dat do' and close dat draff!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was a small boy in Quebec,</p> +<p class="i2">Who was buried in snow to his neck;</p> +<p class="i4">When they said, "Are you friz?"</p> +<p class="i4">He replied, "Yes, I is—</p> +<p class="i2">But we don't call this cold in Quebec."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Rudyard Kipling</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow +is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only +different kinds of good weather.—<i>Ruskin</i>.</p> +<a name="H677" id="H677"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES</h3> +<p>Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and +was walking majestically up and down the street.</p> +<p>"Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody.</p> +<p>"No, suh. I'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh."</p> +<p>"You were married fifty years ago to-day, then!"</p> +<p>"Yes, suh."</p> +<p>"Well, why isn't your wife helping you to celebrate?"</p> +<p>"Mah present wife, suh," replied Uncle Ephraim with dignity, +"ain't got nothin' to do with it."</p> +<a name="H678" id="H678"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WEDDING PRESENTS</h3> +<p>Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural +section of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with +whom both bride and groom were great favorites.</p> +<p>Some time ago, it appears, the old woman accumulated a supply of +cardboard mottoes, which she worked and had framed as occasion +arose.</p> +<p>So it happened that in a neat combination of blues and reds, +suspended by a cord of orange, there hung over the table whereon +the other presents were displayed for the delectation of the +wedding guests, this motto:</p> +<p class="center">FIGHT ON; FIGHT EVER.</p> +<a name="H679" id="H679"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WEDDINGS</h3> +<p>An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose +bride had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the +wedding invitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur +performance."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A wealthy young woman from the west was recently wedded to a +member of the nobility of England, and the ceremony occurred in the +most fashionable of London churches—St. George's.</p> +<p>Among the guests was a cousin of the bride, as sturdy an +American as can be imagined. He gave an interesting summary of the +wedding when asked by a girl friend whether the marriage was a +happy one.</p> +<p>"Happy? I should say it was," said the cousin. "The bride was +happy, her mother was overjoyed, Lord Stickleigh, the groom, was in +ecstasies, and his creditors, I understand, were in a state of +absolute bliss."—<i>Edwun Tarrisse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a +gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He +was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best +man took it upon himself to cheer him up.</p> +<p>"Er—have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of +introduction.</p> +<p>"Not lately," replied the gloomy one with a far-away +expression.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to +teach the significance of white to a Sunday-school class.</p> +<p>"Why," said he, "does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in +white at her marriage?"</p> +<p>As no one answered, he explained. "White," said he, "stands for +joy, and the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's +life."</p> +<p>A small boy queried, "Why do the men all wear +black?"—<i>M.J. Moor</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Lilly May came to her mistress. "Ah would like a week's +vacation, Miss Annie," she said, in her soft negro accent; "Ah +wants to be married."</p> +<p>Lillie had been a good girl, so her mistress gave her the week's +vacation, a white dress, a veil and a plum-cake.</p> +<p>Promptly at the end of the week Lillie returned, radiant. "Oh, +Miss Annie!" she exclaimed, "Ah was the mos' lovely bride! Ma dress +was pcrfec', ma veil mos' lovely, the cake mos' good! An' oh, the +dancin' an' the eatin'!"</p> +<p>"Well, Lillie, this sounds delightful," said her mistress, "but +you have left out the point of your story—I hope you have a +good husband."</p> +<p>Lillie's tone changed to indignation: "Now, Miss Annie, what yo' +think? Tha' darn nigger nebber turn up!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is living in Illinois a solemn man who is often funny +without meaning to be. At the time of his wedding, he lived in a +town some distance from the home of the bride. The wedding was to +be at her house. On the eventful day the solemn man started for the +station, but on the way met the village grocer, who talked so +entertainingly that the bridegroom missed his train.</p> +<p>Naturally he was in a "state." Something must be done, and done +quickly. So he sent the following telegram:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Don't marry till I come.—HENRY.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>—<i>Howard, Morse</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In all the wedding cake, hope is the sweetest of the +plums.—<i>Douglas Jerrold</i>.</p> +<a name="H680" id="H680"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WEIGHTS AND MEASURES</h3> +<p>"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day +until ye had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward +a sickly, emaciated cat that was slinking through the store.</p> +<p>"Ye did thot," replied the assistant, "an" I've just been after +feedin' her a pound of meat this very minute."</p> +<p>"Faith, an' I don't believe ye. Bring me the scales."</p> +<p>The poor cat was lifted into the scales. Thy balancd at exactly +one pound.</p> +<p>"There!" exclaimed the assistant triumphantly. "Didn't I tell ye +she'd had her pound of meat?"</p> +<p>"That's right," admitted the boss, scratching his head. "That's +yer pound of meat all right. But"—suddenly looking +up—"where the divvil is the cat?"</p> +<a name="H681" id="H681"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WELCOMES</h3> +<p>When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, +American flags and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. +Usually the Taft pictures contained a word of welcome under them. +Those who heard the President's laugh ring out will not soon forget +the western city which, directly under the barred window of the +city lockup, displayed a Taft picture with the legend "Welcome" on +it.—<i>Hugh Morist</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Come in the evening, or come in the morning,</p> +<p class="i2">Come when you're looked for, or come without +warning,</p> +<p class="i2">Kisses and welcome you'll find here before you,</p> +<p class="i2">And the oftener you come here the more I'll adore +you.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Thomas O. Davis</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H682" id="H682"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WEST, THE</h3> +<p>EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)—"The idea of calling +this the 'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness +anywhere."</p> +<p>COWBOY—"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am."</p> +<p>EASTERN LADY—"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of +politeness everywhere. But I refer to the men. Why, in New York the +men behave horribly towards one another; but here they treat one +another as delicately as gentlemen in a drawing-room."</p> +<p>COWBOY—"Yes, ma'am; it's safer."—<i>Abbie C. +Dixon</i>.</p> +<a name="H683" id="H683"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WHISKY</h3> +<p>This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. +Hussey's "Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky +makes you bate your wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate; +it's whisky makes you shoot your landlords, and'—with +emphasis, as he thumped the pulpit—'it's whisky makes you +miss them.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a recent trial of a "bootlegger" in western Kentucky a +witness testified that he had purchased some "squirrel" whisky from +the defendant.</p> +<p>"Squirrel whisky?" questioned the court.</p> +<p>"Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to +climb trees."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars +sent south for maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story +of an old Irish soldier: The march had been a long and tiresome +one, and as the bivouac was being made for the night, the captain +noticed that Pat was looking very much fatigued. Thinking that a +small drop of whisky might do him good, the captain called Pat +aside and said, "Pat, will you have a wee drink of whisky?" Pat +made no answer, but folded his arms in a reverential manner and +gazed upward. The captain repeated the question several times, but +no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless, gazing +devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by the +shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't you +answer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'" After +looking around in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it +yez, captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin' to +me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See</i> also Drinking.</p> +<a name="H684" id="H684"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WHISKY BREATH</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Breath.</p> +<a name="H685" id="H685"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WIDOWS</h3> +<p>During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel +parlor one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," +replied the other. "Are you?"</p> +<p>"No," was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list," adding: +"Strange that two such estimable women as ourselves should have +been overlooked in the great matrimonial market! Now that lady," +pointing to another who was passing, "has been widowed four times, +two of her husbands having been cremated. The woman," she +continued, "is plain and uninteresting, and yet she has them to +burn."</p> +<a name="H686" id="H686"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WIND</h3> +<p>VISITOR—"What became of that other windmill that was here +last year?"</p> +<p>NATIVE—"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it +down."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Whichever way the wind doth blow</p> +<p class="i2">Some heart is glad to have it so;</p> +<p class="i2">Then blow it east, or blow it west,</p> +<p class="i2">The wind that blows, that wind is best.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Caroline A. Mason</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H687" id="H687"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WINDFALLS</h3> +<p>A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped +in a widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home +worth about $30,000 more than when he started.</p> +<a name="H688" id="H688"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WINE</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">When our thirsty souls we steep,</p> +<p class="i2">Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep.</p> +<p class="i2">Talk of monarchs! we are then</p> +<p class="i2">Richest, happiest, first of men.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">When I drink, my heart refines</p> +<p class="i2">And rises as the cup declines;</p> +<p class="i2">Rises in the genial flow,</p> +<p class="i2">That none but social spirits know.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To-day we'll haste to quaff our wine,</p> +<p class="i2">As if to-morrow ne'er should shine;</p> +<p class="i2">But if to-morrow comes, why then—</p> +<p class="i2">We'll haste to quaff our wine again.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Let me, oh, my budding vine,</p> +<p class="i2">Spill no other blood than thine.</p> +<p class="i2">Yonder brimming goblet see,</p> +<p class="i2">That alone shall vanquish me.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I pray thee, by the gods above,</p> +<p class="i2">Give me the mighty howl I love,</p> +<p class="i2">And let me sing, in wild delight.</p> +<p class="i2">"I will—I will be mad to-night!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">When Father Time swings round his scythe,</p> +<p class="i2">Intomb me 'neath the bounteous vine,</p> +<p class="i2">So that its juices red and blythe,</p> +<p class="i2">May cheer these thirsty bones of mine.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Eugene Field</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Drinking.</p> +<a name="H689" id="H689"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WISHES</h3> +<p>George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a +hundred watermillions."</p> +<p>Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef +yo' had a hundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty?"</p> +<p>"No, Ah wouldn't."</p> +<p>"Wouldn't yo' give me twenty-five?"</p> +<p>"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five."</p> +<p>Dixie gaxed with reproachful eyes at his close-fisted friend. +"Seems to me, you's powahful stingy, George Washington," he said, +and then continued in a heartbroken voice. "Wouldn't yo' gib me +one?"</p> +<p>"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' one. Look a' heah, nigger! Are yo' so +good for nuffen lazy dat yo' cahn't wish fo' yo' own +watermillions?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Man wants but little here below</p> +<p class="i4">Nor wants that little long,"</p> +<p class="i2">'Tis not with me exactly so;</p> +<p class="i4">But'tis so in the song.</p> +<p class="i2">My wants are many, and, if told,</p> +<p class="i4">Would muster many a score;</p> +<p class="i2">And were each a mint of gold,</p> +<p class="i4">I still should long for more.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>John Quincy Adams</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H690" id="H690"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WITNESSES</h3> +<p>"The trouble is," said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with +his counsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that +I had been going too fast, and wasn't paying any attention to the +road just before the collision. I'm afraid that admission is going +to prove costly."</p> +<p>"Don't wory about that," said his lawyer. "I'll bring seven +witnesses to testify that they wouldn't believe you under +oath."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On his eighty-fourth birthday, Paul Smith, the veteran +Adirondock hotel-keeper, who started life as a guide and died +owning a million dollars' worth of forest land, was talking about +boundary disputes with an old friend.</p> +<p>"Didn't you hear of the lawsuit over a title that I had with +Jones down in Malone last summer?" asked Paul. The friend had not +heard.</p> +<p>"Well," said Paul, "it was this way. I sat in the court room +before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Jones busted +in, stopped, looked my witnesses over carefully, and said: 'Paul, +are those your witnesses?' 'They are,' said I. 'Then you win,' said +he. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"</p> +<a name="H691" id="H691"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WIVES</h3> +<p>"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred +wives?"</p> +<p>"I believe so, my son," said the father.</p> +<p>"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give +me death?'"—<i>Town Topics</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman +who lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage +concerning Solomon's household.</p> +<p>"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old +woman, after reflection.</p> +<p>"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible."</p> +<p>"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early +Christians had!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>CASEY—"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"</p> +<p>CLANCY—"Loike phwat?"</p> +<p>CASEY—"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me +ould woman orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he +had made a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another +man should have received the place. The governor listened quietly +and then said:</p> +<p>"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought +his employer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired:</p> +<p>"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?'</p> +<p>"'I think so. Why?'</p> +<p>"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git +mahred, an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' +me."</p> +<p>"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will +be very happy."</p> +<p>"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old +man was waiting for him.</p> +<p>"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly.</p> +<p>"'Yes, here they are.'</p> +<p>"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful +sorry yo' got 'em, boss!'</p> +<p>"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'</p> +<p>"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to +mahry Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up +to Mis' Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'</p> +<p>"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will +cost you fifty cents more.'</p> +<p>"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the +change made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.</p> +<p>"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'</p> +<p>"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty +cents.'</p> +<p>"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry +Easter Johnson after all.'</p> +<p>"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made +you change your mind again?'</p> +<p>"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar +wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and +sew on buttons before they come off.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What are you cutting out of the paper?"</p> +<p>"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went +through his pockets."</p> +<p>"What are you going to do with it?"</p> +<p>"Put it in my pocket."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's +eight wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, +her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.</p> +<p>"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"</p> +<p>"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.</p> +<p>"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"</p> +<p>"Yes."</p> +<p>"Then you must be as strong as a man!"</p> +<p>"I am."</p> +<p>"And you wouldn't let a man beat you—not even if he was +your husband—would you?"</p> +<p>"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.</p> +<p>The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their +heads. Then the oldest said softly:</p> +<p>"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one +wife. He is afraid!"—<i>Western Christian Advocate</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>PAT—"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."</p> +<p>MIKE—"She is thot."</p> +<p>PAT—"Is it dangerous she is?"</p> +<p>MIKE—"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any +more!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SON—"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went +out."</p> +<p>MOTHER—"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes +back, that's all."</p> +<p>SON—"May I stay up till he does?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder +who wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a +Mormon."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and +charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half +was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye.</p> +<p>"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, +according to your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the +judge.</p> +<p>"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare +defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of +overtook me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his +return one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully +insulted!"</p> +<p>"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"</p> +<p>"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into +tears.</p> +<p>"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"</p> +<p>Flora dried her tears.</p> +<p>"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter +came to you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, +of course, I—I opened it."</p> +<p>"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.</p> +<p>"It—it was written to you all the way through. Do you +understand?"</p> +<p>"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"</p> +<p>"It—it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, +bursting into fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. +S.—D-dear Flora, d-don't f-fail to give this l-letter to +Harry. I w-want him to have it.'" "'Did you git 'em, boss?" he +inquired eagerly.</p> +<p>"'Yes, here they are.'</p> +<p>"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful +sorry yo' got 'em, boss!'</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min.' Ah'm gwine to +mahry Sophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up +to Mis' Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'</p> +<p>"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will +cost you fifty cents more.'</p> +<p>"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the +change made. Again he found Mose waiting for him.</p> +<p>"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'</p> +<p>"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty +cents.'</p> +<p>"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry +Easter Johnson after all.'</p> +<p>"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made +you change your mind again?'</p> +<p>"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar +wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and +sew on buttons before they come off.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What are you cutting out of the paper?"</p> +<p>"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went +through his pockets."</p> +<p>"What are you going to do with it?"</p> +<p>"Put it in my pocket."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's +eight wives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, +her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them.</p> +<p>"Why," cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"</p> +<p>"Yes, to be sure," said the missionary.</p> +<p>"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"</p> +<p>"Yes."</p> +<p>"Then you must be as strong as a man!"</p> +<p>"I am."</p> +<p>"And you wouldn't let a man beat you—not even if he was +your husband—would you?"</p> +<p>"Indeed I wouldn't," the missionary said.</p> +<p>The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their +heads. Then the oldest said softly:</p> +<p>"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one +wife. He is afraid!"—<i>Western Christian Advocate</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>PAT—"I hear your woife is sick, Moike."</p> +<p>MIKE—"She is thot."</p> +<p>PAT—"Is it dangerous she is?"</p> +<p>MIKE—"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any +more!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SON—"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went +out."</p> +<p>MOTHER—"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes +back, that's all."</p> +<p>SON—"May I stay up till he does?"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Because a fellow has six talking machines," said the boarder +who wants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a +Mormon."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and +charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half +was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye.</p> +<p>"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, +according to your story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the +judge.</p> +<p>"Well," replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare +defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of +overtook me."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Harry, love," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his +return one evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully +insulted!"</p> +<p>"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"</p> +<p>"B-by your m-mother," answered the young wife, bursting into +tears.</p> +<p>"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"</p> +<p>Flora dried her tears.</p> +<p>"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love," she said. "A letter +came to you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, +of course, I—I opened it."</p> +<p>"Of course," repeated Harry, love, dryly.</p> +<p>"It—it was written to you all the way through. Do you +understand?"</p> +<p>"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"</p> +<p>"It—it came in the p-p-postscript," cried the wife, +bursting into fresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. +S.—D-dear Flora, d-don't f-fail to give this l-letter to +Harry. I w-want him to have it.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!"</p> +<p>"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?"</p> +<p>"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late</p> +<p class="i2">She finds some honest gander for her mate.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Pope</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife +had sent him to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every +pattern the man said: "My wife said she didn't want anything like +that."</p> +<p>The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir," he said, +"you don't want gingham. What you want is a divorce."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they +are wives.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">In the election of a wife, as in</p> +<p class="i2">A project of war, to err but once is</p> +<p class="i2">To be undone forever.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Thomas Middleton</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife;</p> +<p class="i2">A bad, the bitterest curse of human life.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Simonides</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Domestic finance; Suffragettes; Talkers; Temper; +Woman suffrage.</p> +<a name="H692" id="H692"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WOMAN</h3> +<p>Woman—the only sex which attaches more importance to +what's on its head than to what's in it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How very few statues there are of real women."</p> +<p>"Yes! it's hard to get them to look right."</p> +<p>"How so?"</p> +<p>"A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to +life."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">"Oh, woman! in our hours of ease</p> +<p class="i4">Uncertain, coy, and hard to please"—</p> +<p class="i4">So wrote Sir Walter long ago.</p> +<p class="i4">But how, pray, could he really know?</p> +<p class="i4">If woman fair he strove to please,</p> +<p class="i2">Where did he get his "hours of ease"?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>George B. Morewood</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MISS SCRIBBLE-"The heroine of my next story is to be one of +those modern advanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't +want to get married."</p> +<p>THE COLONEL (politely)-"Ah, indeed, I don't think I ever met +that type."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">You are a dear, sweet girl,</p> +<p class="i2">God bless you and keep you—</p> +<p class="i2">Wish I could afford to do so.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Here's to man—he can afford anything he can get. Here's to +woman—she can afford anything that she can get a man to get +for her.—<i>George Ade</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the soldier and his arms,</p> +<p class="i4">Fall in, men, fall in;</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to woman and her arms,</p> +<p class="i4">Fall in, men, fall in!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Most Southerners are gallant. An exception is the Georgian who +gave his son this advice:</p> +<p>"My boy, never run after a woman or a street car—there +will be another one along in a minute or two."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the maid of bashful fifteen;</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to the widow of fifty;</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen;</p> +<p class="i2">And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.</p> +<p class="i4">Chorus:</p> +<p class="i6">Let the toast pass,—</p> +<p class="i6">Drink to the lass,</p> +<p class="i2">I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the +glass.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Sheridan</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the ladies, the good, young ladies;</p> +<p class="i2">But not too good, for the good die young,</p> +<p class="i2">And we want no dead ones.</p> +<p class="i2">And here's to the good old ladies,</p> +<p class="i2">But not too old, for we want no dyed ones.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons, +bewarer.—<i>Henriette Corkland</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The young woman had spent a busy day.</p> +<p>She had browbeaten fourteen salespeople, bullyragged a +floor-walker, argued victoriously with a milliner, laid down the +law to a modiste, nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to +overcharge her, made a street car conductor stop the car in the +middle of a block for her, discharged her maid and engaged another, +and otherwise refused to allow herself to be imposed upon.</p> +<p>Yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged:</p> +<p>"Let me be your protector through life!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I +like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their +<i>silence.—Samuel Johnson</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears</p> +<p class="i4">Her noblest work she classes, O:</p> +<p class="i2">Her 'prentice hand she tried on man,</p> +<p class="i4">An' then she made the lasses, O.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Burns</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Not from his head was woman took,</p> +<p class="i2">As made her husband to o'erlook;</p> +<p class="i2">Not from his feet, as one designed</p> +<p class="i2">The footstool of the stronger kind;</p> +<p class="i2">But fashioned for himself, a bride;</p> +<p class="i2">An equal, taken from his side.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">—<i>Charles Wesley</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Mice; Mothers; Smoking; Suffragettes; Wives; +Woman suffrage.</p> +<a name="H693" id="H693"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WOMAN SUFFRAGE</h3> +<p>WOMAN VOTER—"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I +absolutely refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones +woman."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote +for women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told +a story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic +ideas about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, +from sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she +wanted to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little +thing that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em +do it!" she replied.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MR. E.N. QUIRE—"What are those women mauling that man +for?"</p> +<p>MRS. HENBALLOT—"He insulted us by saying that the suffrage +movement destroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of +all our gentleness."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Did you cast your vote, Aunty?"</p> +<p>"Oh, yes! Isn't it grand? A real nice gentleman with a beautiful +moustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me. I know I should +have marked it myself, but it seemed to please him greatly."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Does your wife want to vote?"</p> +<p>"No. She wants a larger town house, a villa on the sea coast and +a new limousine car every six months. I'd be pleased most to death +if she could fix her attention on a smaller matter like the +vote."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men +do."</p> +<p>"Certainly not," replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do +any better than that there would be no use of our voting."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffrage +movement," said the mere man.</p> +<p>"What is that?" asked his wife.</p> +<p>"Make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead of +twenty-one."—<i>Catholic Universe</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>MAMIE—"I believe in woman's rights."</p> +<p>GERTIE—"Then you think every woman should have a +vote?"</p> +<p>MAMIE—"No; but I think every woman should have a +voter."—<i>The Woman's Journal</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>During the Presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage +was much discussed among women pro and con, and at an afternoon tea +the conversation turned that way between the women guests.</p> +<p>"Are you a woman suffragist?" asked the one who was most +interested.</p> +<p>"Indeed, I am not," replied the other most emphatically.</p> +<p>"Oh, that's too bad, but just supposing you were, whom would you +support in the present campaign?"</p> +<p>"The same man I've always supported, of course," was the apt +reply—"my husband."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Suffragettes.</p> +<a name="H6931" id="H6931"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WOMEN'S CLUBS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Clubs.</p> +<a name="H6932" id="H6932"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WORDS</h3> +<p><i>See</i> Authors.</p> +<a name="H6933" id="H6933"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WORK</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">All work and no play</p> +<p class="i2">Makes Jack surreptitiously gay.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?"</p> +<p>"Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till +night!"</p> +<p>'"Ow long 'ave yer been at it?"</p> +<p>"Start tomorrow."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Several men were discussing the relative importance and +difficulty of mental and physical work, and one of them told the +following experience:</p> +<p>"Several years ago, a tramp, one of the finest specimens of +physical manhood that I have ever seen, dropped into my yard and +asked me for work. The first day I put him to work helping to move +some heavy rocks, and he easily did as much work as any two other +men, and yet was as fresh as could be at the end of the day.</p> +<p>"The next morning, having no further use for him, I told him he +could go; but he begged so hard to remain that I let him go into +the cellar and empty some apple barrels, putting the good apples +into one barrel and throwing away the rotten ones—about a +half hour's work.</p> +<p>"At the end of two hours he was still in the cellar, and I went +down to see what the trouble was. I found him only half through, +but almost exhausted, beads of perspiration on his brow.</p> +<p>"'What's the matter?' I asked. 'Surely that work isn't +hard.'</p> +<p>"'No not hard,' he replied. 'But the strain on the judgment is +<i>awful</i>.'"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>See also</i> Rest cure.</p> +<a name="H694" id="H694"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>WORMS</h3> +<p>A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays +and the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the +event she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. +Picking up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the +admiring crowd.</p> +<p>"Isn't this perfectly gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "Just think, it +came from a poor little insignificant worm!"</p> +<p>Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and +said: "Yes, darn it, an' I'm that worm!"</p> +<a name="H695" id="H695"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>YALE UNIVERSITY</h3> +<p>The new cook, who had come into the household during the +holidays, asked her mistress:</p> +<p>"Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more."</p> +<p>"My son," replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back +to Yale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New +Year's day, you see. I miss him dreadfully, tho."</p> +<p>"Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban in yail +sax times since Tanksgiving."</p> +<a name="H696" id="H696"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>YONKERS</h3> +<p>An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the +farce, about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me +in Yonkers!"</p> +<p>The Englishman turned to his friend and said: "I say, old chap, +what <i>are</i> yonkers?"</p> +<a name="H697" id="H697"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>"YOU"</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Here's to the world, the merry old world,</p> +<p class="i2">To its days both bright and blue;</p> +<p class="i2">Here's to our future, be it what it may,</p> +<p class="i2">And here's to my best—that's you!</p> +</div> +</div> +<a name="H698" id="H698"><!-- H3 anchor --></a> +<br /> +<br /> +<h3>ZONES</h3> +<p>TEACHER—"How many zones has the earth?"</p> +<p>PUPIL—"Five."</p> +<p>TEACHER—"Correct. Name them."</p> +<p>PUPIL—"Temperate zone, intemperate, canal, horrid, and +o."—<i>Life</i>.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<div style="height: 6em;"></div> +</div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12444 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |