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diff --git a/old/12378.txt b/old/12378.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a411622 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12378.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1905 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, +August 30, 1890., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, August 30, 1890. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 18, 2004 [EBook #12378] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +August 30, 1890. + + + + + + +[Illustration] + +"WHY NOT LIVE OUT OF LONDON?" + + SIR,--Capital subject recently started _Daily Telegraph_, with + the above title. Just what I've been saying to my wife for + years past. "Why don't _you and the family_ live out of + London," I have asked. And she has invariably replied, "Oh, + yes, and what would _you_ be doing in London?" I impress upon + her that being the "bread-winner" (beautiful word, this!) my + duty is to be on the spot where the bread is won. I prove + to her, in figures, that it is much cheaper for her and the + family to live out of town, and for me to come down and + see them, occasionally. Isn't it cheaper for one to go to a + theatre than four? Well, this applies everywhere all round. + With my Club and a good room I could get on very well and very + reasonably in London, and in the country my wife and family + _would positively save enormously_ by my absence, _as only the + necessaries of life would be required_. Dressing would be next + to nothing, so to speak, and they'd be out of reach of the + temptations which London offers to those who love theatre + entertainments, lunches at pastrycooks', shows, and shopping. + Yes, emphatically, I repeat, "Why not live out of London?" + _But she won't._ + + Yours, + + ONE IN A THOUSAND. + + + SIR,--"Why not live out of London?" Of course. I _do_ live + "out of London," and make a precious good living too out of + London. My friends the Butcher, the Baker, the Greengrocer + (not a very green grocer either), the Tailor, the Shoemaker, + &c., &c., all say the same as + + Yours cheerily, + + CHARLES CHEDDAR _(Cheesemonger)._ + + + SIR,--I only wish everybody I don't want to see _in_ London + would live _out of it_. What a thrice blessed time August + would be then! Though indeed I infinitely appreciate small + mercies _now_. At all events, most people are away, my Club is + not closed, and I can enjoy myself pretty thoroughly. + + Yours, + + _Elbow Room Club_. + + BEAU WINDER. + + + SIR,--"Why not live out of London?" _Because one can't._ Out + of London there is only "existence." Is life worth living + anywhere except in London--and Paris; if you happen to be + there? No, no; those who like living "out of London," had + better not live at all. + + Yours, + + HIPPY CURE. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +"_Tisn't a part that I_ feel, _and I fear I shall make a failure;" +i.e.,_ "Easy as be blowed, but _I_'m thrown away upon it." + + +TRADE EMBELLISHMENTS. + +"_The Ching-Twangs Central China Tea Company's selected growth of +Early Green Leaf Spring Pickings;" i.e.,_ "A damaged cargo and last +year's rotten sweepings, mingled with chipped broom, dried cabbage, +and other equally suitable and inviting ingredients." + + +AT LUNCHEON. + +"_No more, indeed, really;" i.e.,_ "Had nothing to eat--but more of +_that_ stuff? No, thank you." + + +ELECTIONEERING. + +"_The Leaders to whom the Nation owes its recent period of +prosperity": i.e.,_ "Gentlemen who have unavoidably remained in Office +during the revival of Trade." + +"_Having every personal respect for my opponent;" i.e.,_ "I now +proceed to blacken his political character." + + +IN THE SMOKING-ROOM. + +"_You know I always hate long arguments;" i.e.,_ "Don't deprive me of +my pet diversion." + +"_No; I don't exactly see what you mean;" i.e.,_ "_You_ don't; but the +admission on my part looks candid." + +"_My dear fellow, ask_ anyone _who really knows anything;" i.e._ "You +appear to live among a half-educated set of local faddists." + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON 'ARRISON AND THE GLORIOUS TWELFTH. + + DEAR CHARLIE,--No Parry for me, mate, not this season leastways--wus + luck! + At the shop I'm employed in at present, the hands has all bloomin' + well struck. + It's hupset all our 'olidays, CHARLIE, and as to my chance of a + rise + Wot do _you_ think, old pal? I'm fair flummoxed, and singing, _Oh, + what a surprise!_ + + These Strikes is becoming rare noosances, dashed if they ain't, + dear old boy. + They're all over the shop, like Miss ZAEO, wot street-kids seems so + to enjoy. + Mugs' game! They'll soon find as the Marsters ain't goin' to be + worried and welched, + And when they rob coves of their 'olidays, 'ang it, they ought to + be squelched. + + 'Owsomever, I'm mucked, that's a moral. This doosid dead-set + against Wealth + Is a sign o' the times as looks orkud, and bad for the national + 'ealth. + There ain't nothink the nobs is fair nuts on but wot these 'ere + bellerers ban. + Wy, they're down upon Sport, now, a pelter. Perposterous, ain't it, + old man? + + Bin a reading FRED 'ARRISON'S kibosh along o' "The Feast of + St. Grouse," + On the "Glorious Twelfth," as he calls it; wen swells is fair shut + of the 'Ouse, + Its Obstruction, and similar 'orrors, in course they hikes off to + the Moors. + Small blame to 'em, CHARLIE, small blame to 'em, spite of the prigs + and the boors! + + Yet this 'ARRISON he sets _his_ back up. Dry smug as can't 'andle + a gun, + I'll bet Marlboro' 'Ouse to a broomstick, and ain't got no notion + of Fun. + "Loves the Moors much too well for to carry one;" that's wot _he_ + says, sour old sap + Bet my boots as he can't 'it a 'aystack at twenty yards rise--eh, + old chap? + + _Him_ sweet on the heather, my pippin, or partial to feather + and fur, + So long as yer never _kills_ nothink? Sech tommy-rot gives me + the spur. + Yah! Scenery's all very proper, but where is the genuine pot + Who'd pad the 'oof over the Moors, if it weren't for the things + to be shot? + + "This swagger about killing birds is mere cant," sez this wobbling + old wag. + From Arran he'd tramp to Dunrobin without the least chance of a bag! + "Peaceful hills," that's his patter, my pippin; no gillies, no + luncheons, no game! + Wy, he ought to be tossed in a blanket; it fills a true Briton + with shame. + + No Moors for yours truly, wus luck! It won't run to it, CHARLIE, + this round; + But give me my gun, and a chance, and I'll be in the swim, I'll + be bound. + I did 'ave a turn some years back, though I only went out with + 'em once, + And I shot a bit wild, as was likely, fust off, though yer _may_n't + be a dunce. + + My rig out was a picter they told me--deer-stalker and knickers + O.K.-- + "BRIGGS, Junior," a lobsculler called me; I wasn't quite fly to + his lay; + But BRIGGS or no BRIGGS I shaped spiffin, in mustard-and-mud-colour + checks. + Ah! them Moors is the spots for cold Irish, and gives yer the + primest of pecks. + + Talk of sandwiges, CHARLIE, oh scissors, I'd soon ha' cleaned out + Charing Cross, + With St. Pancrust and Ludgit chucked in; fairly hopened the eye of + the boss; + Him as rented the shootings, yer know, big dry-salter in Thames + Street, bit warm + In his langwige occasional, CHARLIE, but 'arty and reglar good form. + + Swells will pal in most anywhere now on the chance of a gratis + Big Shoot, + And there _wos_ some Swells with hus, I tell yer, I felt on the + good gay galoot, + But I fancy I got jest a morsel screwdnoodleous late in the day, + For I peppered a bloke in the breeks; he swore bad, but 'twas + only his play. + + Bagged a brace and a arf, I did, CHARLIE; not bad for a novice + like me. + Jest a bit blown about the fust two; wanted gathering up like, + yer see. + A bird do look best with his 'ed on, dear boy, as a matter of taste; + And the gillies got jest a mite scoffy along of my natural 'aste. + + Never arsked me no more, for some reason. But wot I would say is + this here, + 'ARRY's bin in this boat in his time, as in every prime lark pooty + near, + And when 'ARRISON talks blooming bunkum, with hadjectives spicy and + strong, + About Sport being stupid, and noisy, and vulgar; wy, 'ARRISON'S wrong! + + _He_ would rather shoot broken-down cab-horses,--so the mug tells + us--than birds. + Well, they're more in his line very likely; that means, in his own + chosen words, + He's more fit for a hammytoor knacker than for that great boast of + our land, + A true British Sportsman! Great Scott! It's a taste as I _carnt_ + understand. + + Fact is this here FRED is a Demmycrat, Positivist, and all that. + There's the nick o' the matter, the reason of all this un-English + wild chat. + He is down on the Aristos, CHARLIE, this 'ARRISON is. It's the Court + And the pick o' the Peerage Sport nobbles, and that's wy he sputters + at Sport. + + All a part of the game, dear old pal, the dead-set at the noble and + rich. + "Smart people" are "Sports," mostly always, and 'ARRISON slates + them as sich. + 'Ates killing of "beautiful creatures," and spiling "the Tummel + in spate" + With "drives," champagne luncheons, and gillies? _That_'s not wot + sich slab-dabbers 'ate. + + It's "Privileged Classes," my pippin, they loathes. Yer can't own a + big Moor, + Or even rent one like my dry-salter friend, if yer 'umble and poor. + Don't 'ARRISON never _eat_ grouse? Ah, you bet, much as ever he'll + carry. + There's "poz" for a Posit'vist, mate, there's 'ARRISON kiboshed + by 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR YOTTING YORICK. + +YOTTING JOTTINGS.] + +Oh dear! oh dear! What perils I have been through! You'll see me again +shortly; but there have been _momentums_ in my career when I said +to myself, "Shall I ever _aller_ out of this alive!" I escaped the +Petersburg police; they punched out your Cartoon, and all the lines +about the Czar and the Jews; that's why I was so persecuted, and why +I was watched. I wish to Heaven you wouldn't have Cartoons about Czars +and Jews just when I'm at Peterborough, I mean Petersburg; same name, +different place. But there, that's all over now, and _jamais_ will I +go and put myself within the clutches of the Russian Bear again. The +midnight sun must do without _me_ in future. I send you a sketch +I made of a gargle--I think that's the name--on a church-door in +Lapland. Isn't it really droll? You're always bothering me for +something droll, and _now you've got it_. Then, _Mr. Punch_, riding +a reindeer at half-a-crown an hour. Then here are the little Lapps +offering our sailors a lap of liquor; and I said to myself, "One touch +of Nature," which struck me as just the very motto for the picture. I +roared with laughter at it. "This'll do for 'em at home," I said, and +so here it is. And look at the "Lapps of Luxury"! You know that "Lap +of Luxury" is a proverbial phrase; and, as you told me to make some +comic sketches of the manners and customs of the country, why, I've +done so; and, if they ain't funny, I don't know what humour is. +_Voila!_ + +But you really must not expect me to grimace and buffoon. You must +take me _seriatim_ or not at all. I can't stand on my head to sketch. +I can't do it. I nearly _did_ do it, though, for when I had my +sketching-book in my hand on board, the spanker-boom, or some such +thing, came over suddenly and hit me such a whack on the head, that +for two minutes I lay insensible, and thought I should never become +sensible again. Rightly is it called "spanker-boom,"--that is if it +_is_ called so, or some name very like it,--for I never got such a +whack on the head in all my life before. I hear the Booming still in +my ears. + +You can't expect a fellow to be funny, however funny he may _feel_ +(and I _did_ feel uncommonly funny, you may take your oath!), under +such circumstances. However, as the song says, "Home once more," +and many a yarn shall I have to tell when I gather myself round the +fireside, pipe all hands for grog, and sing you an old Norse song +with real humour in it--though I dare say _you'll_ say you don't see +it--and so no more _a present_ from yours seasickly (I am quite well, +but I mean I'm sick of the sea), + +FLOTSAM, Y.A. + + * * * * * + +JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE. + +FIFTH ENTRY. + +Curious thing that to-day--after disappointment of failure for the +Bar--letter comes from President of my old College, asking me "if I +would accept a nice Tutorship for a time?" If so, "I had better come +down and talk to him about it." + +Decided a little time ago not to try "Scholastic Profession"--thought +it would try _me_ too much. Feel tempted now. _Query_--am I losing my +old pluck? In consequence of my new "pluck,"--in the Bar Exam? + +"Um!" remarks the President (I _have_ run down and got a vacant +bed-room in College). "Glad to see you. Oh, yes, about that tutorship. +Um, um! The family live in Somerset." He mentions the county +apologetically, as if he expected me to reply--"Oh, Somerset! Couldn't +dream of going _there_. Not very particular, but must have a place +within ten miles of Charing Cross." As I don't object to Somerset, at +least audibly, he goes on more cheerfully-- + +"Boy doesn't want to be taught much, so perhaps, it would suit +you."--(_Query_--is this insulting?)--"He wants a companion +more--somebody to keep him steady, have a good influence and all that, +and give him a little classics and so on for about an hour a day." + +It did not sound as bad as I expected. + +"Rich people--um--merchants at Bristol, I think. Not very cultivated, +though." Here President pauses again, and looks as if he would not be +at all astonished if I rose from my chair, put on my hat, and said, +"Not very cultivated! That won't suit _me_! You see how tremendously +cultivated _I_ am." But I don't, and he proceeds calmly to another +head of his discourse. + +"They haven't mentioned terms, but I'm sure they will be +satisfactory--give you what you ask, in fact." (Rather a nice trait +in their character, this.)--"Now, will you--um--take it? They want +somebody at once." + +"Yes," I reply; "I'll go and see how I fancy it. Have they got a +billiard-table, do you happen to know?" + +The President says, "he doesn't know anything about _that_," and looks +a little surprised, as if I had proposed a game of skittles. + +On way down (next day) I feel rather like a Governess going to her +first situation. Get to house late. Too dark to see what it's like. +Have to drive up in a village fly. _Query_--Oughtn't they to have sent +their carriage for me? + +My reception is peculiar. A stout, masculine-looking female with a +strident voice, is presumably Mrs. BRISTOL MERCHANT. + +Sends me up to my bed-room as if I were my own luggage. Evidently very +"uncultivated." + +In my bed-room. Above are the sounds of a small pandemonium, +apparently. Stamping, falling, shouting, bumping, crying. What a lot +of them there must be! + +There are! At supper--they appear to have early dinners, which I +detest--three boys and one girl present, as a sample. Eldest a youth +about ten, who puts out his tongue at me, when he thinks I'm not +looking, and kicks his brothers beneath the table to make them cry, +which they do. I begin to wonder when my real pupil will appear. + +Governess talks to me as if I were a brother professional. +_Query--infra dig_. again? + +Children, being forbidden to talk in anything but French at meals, say +nothing at all; at the end I am astounded at Materfamilias catching +hold of the boy of ten, and bringing him round to me, with the +remark,-- + +"Perhaps you'd like to talk to ERNIE about lessons." + +Heavens! This nursery fledgling to be my pupil! And I am to be his +"companion"! Fledgling, while standing in front of me for inspection, +has the audacity to stretch out his leg, and trip up a little sister +who is passing. Howls ensue. + +A nicely-mannered youth! + +"You will have to behave yourself with _me_, young man!" I warn him, +in a tone which ought to abash him, but doesn't in the least. + +"Ah, but perhaps you won't stay here long," is his rather able +rejoinder. "Our Governesses never--" + +"ERNIE!" shrieks his mother, threateningly. ERNIE stops; and I have +time to regret my folly in not inquiring of the President the precise +age of my promising disciple, very likely President didn't know +himself. + +The other boys who were at supper are now presented to me. One is +about eight, the other not more than six. + +"These are HERBIE and JACK," says their mother, who ought to know. +Thank Heaven, _they_ are not my pupils! + +Mrs. BRISTOL MERCHANT horrifies me by saying-- + +"I thought it would be so nice, when you were teaching ERNIE, _if_ +HERBIE _and_ JACK _could be taught too!_ And after lessons you will +be able to take them such nice long walks in the neighbourhood! It's +really very pretty country, Mr.--I forget your name." + +Oh, certainly, the President was quite right. She _is_ very +uncultivated. That ever I was born to cultivate her--or her precious +offspring! But was I? Time must show. + +[Illustration: SARTORIAL EUPHUISMS. + +"MEASUREMENTS ABOUT THE SAME AS THEY USED TO BE, SNIPPE?" + +"YES, SIR. CHEST A TRIFLE _LOWER DOWN_, SIR, THAT'S ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +AN ARGUMENTUM AD POCKETUM. + + [The Rev. B. MEREDYTH-KITSON called the attention of the + London School Board to the action of Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, + who, being appealed to by "a respectable-looking woman" for + the remission of a fine of five shillings imposed upon her + husband for neglecting to send their children to school, gave + her five shillings out of the poor-box to pay it, on finding + that she had nine children, the eldest fifteen years, the + youngest five months, a husband out of work, and "no boots + for her children to go to school in." The Rev. STEWART HEADLAM + said that in East London they suffered a good deal through + the decisions of Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, who constantly paid the + fines from the poor-box, or out of his own pocket!] + + Oh, MONTAGU, this conduct is nefarious! + _You_ are, indeed, a pretty Magistrate! + Better the judgments, generous, if precarious, + Of the old Cadi at an Eastern gate. + No wonder that you madden MEREDTTH-KITSON, + And stir the bitter bile of STEWART HEADLAM. + When Justice, School-Board ruling simply "sits on," + School-Boards become a mere annexe of--Bedlam! + Nine children! Husband out of work! No boots! + And do you really think that _these_ are reasons + For fine-remission? This strikes at the roots + Of Law, which ought to rule us at all seasons. + Oh, how shall KITSON educate the "kids," + Or how shall HEADLAM discipline the mothers, + If you, instead of doing what Law bids, + Pay the poor creatures' fines and raise up bothers? + Law, Sir, is Law, even to Magistrates, + Not a mere chopping-block for maudlin charity. + Fining the impecunious doubtless grates + On feelings such as yours; there's some disparity + 'Twixt School-Board Draconism, and regard + For parents penniless, and children bootless; + But pedagogues--ask HEADLAM--must be hard, + Or pedagogy's purposes are fruitless. + Poor creatures? Humph! Compassion's mighty fine; + A gentle feeling, who would wish to shock it? + But husbands out of work with children nine, + Should pay their fines themselves--not from _your_ pocket. + + * * * * * + +KEPT IN TOWN.-A LAMENT. + +[Illustration] + + The Season's ended; in the Park the vehicles are far and few, + And down the lately-crowded Row one horseman canters on a screw + By stacks of unperceptive chairs; the turf is burnt, the leaves are + brown, stagnant sultriness prevails--the very air's gone out of town! + + Belgravia's drawn her blinds, and let her window-boxes run to seed; + Street-urchins play in porticoes--no powdered menial there to heed; + Now fainter grows the lumbering roll of luggage-cumbered omnibus: + Bayswater's children all are off upon their annual exodus. + + On every hoarding posters flaunt the charms of peak, and loch, and sea, + To madden those unfortunates who have to stay in town--like me! + Gone are the inconsiderate friends who tell one airily, "They're off!" + And ask "what _you_ propose to do--yacht, shoot, or fish, or walk, + or golf?" + + On many a door which opened wide in welcome but the other day, + The knocker basks in calm repose--conscious "the family's away." + I scan the windows--half in hope I may some friendly face detect-- + To meet their blank brown-papered stare, depressing as the cut direct! + + I pass the house where She is not, to feel an unfamiliar chill; + That door is disenchanted now, that number powerless to thrill! + 'Twas there, in yonder balcony, that last July she used to stand; + Upon some balcony, more blest, she's leaning now, in Switzerland, + + Her eyes upon rose-tinted peaks--but no, of sense I 'm quite bereft! + The hour is full early yet, and _table d hote_ she'll scarce have left. + Some happy neighbour's handing her the salad--But I'll move, I think; + I see a grim caretaker's eye regard me through the shutter's chink. + + Yes, I'll away,--no longer be the sport of sentiment forlorn, + But scale the heights of Primrose Hill, pretending it's the Matterhorn; + Or hie me through the dusk to sit beside the shimmering Serpentine, + And, with a little make-believe, imagine I am up the Rhine. + + Alas! the poor device, I know, my restlessness will ne'er assuage: + Still Fanny beats, with pinions clipped, the wires of its Cockney cage! + No inch of turf to prisoned larks can represent the boundless moor; + And neither Hyde nor Regent's Park suggests a Continental Tour! + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +IN AN OMNIBUS. + +_The majority of the inside passengers, as usual, sit in solemn +silence, and gaze past their opposite neighbours into vacancy. A +couple of Matrons converse in wheezy whispers._ + +_First Matron._ Well, I must say a bus is pleasanter riding than what +they used to be not many years back, and then so much cheaper, too. +Why, you can go all the way right from here to Mile End Road for +threepence! + +_Second Matron._ What, all that way for threepence--(_with an impulse +of vague humanity_.) The _poor_ 'orses! + +_First Matron._ Ah, well, my dear, it's Competition, you know,--it +don't do to think too much of it. + +_Conductor (stopping the bus)._ Orchard Street, Lady. + +_To_ Second Matron, _who had desired to be put down there._ + +_Second Matron (to_ Conductor). Just move on a few doors further, +opposite the boot-shop. (_To_ First Matron.) It will save us walking. + +_Conductor._ Cert'inly, Mum, we'll drive in and wait while you 're +tryin' 'em on, if you like--_we_ ain't in no 'urry! + +_The_ Matrons _get out, and their places are taken by two young girls, +who are in the middle of a conversation of thrilling interest._ + +_First Girl._ I never liked her myself--ever since the way she behaved +at his Mother's that Sunday. + +_Second Girl._ How _did_ she behave? + +_[A faint curiosity is discernible amongst the other passengers to +learn how she--whoever she is--behaved that Sunday. + +First Girl._ Why, it was you _told_ me! _You_ remember. That night JOE +let out about her and the automatic scent fountain. + +_Second Girl._ Oh, yes, I remember now. _(General disappointment. )_ I +couldn't help laughing myself. Joe didn't ought to have told--but she +needn't have got into such a state over it, _need_ she? + +_First Girl,_ That was ELIZA all over. If GEORGE had been sensible, +he'd have broken it off then and there--but no, he wouldn't hear a +word against her, not at that time--it was the button-hook opened +_his_ eyes! + +_[The other passengers strive to dissemble a frantic desire to know +how and why this delicate operation was performed._ Second Girl +(mysteriously)_. And enough too! But what put GEORGE off most was her +keeping that bag so quiet. + +_[The general imagination is once more stirred to its depths by this +mysterious allusion._ + +_First Girl._ Yes, he did feel that, I know, he used to come and go +on about it to me by the hour together. "I shouldn't have minded so +much," he told me over and over again, with the tears standing in his +eyes,--"if it hadn't been that the bottles was all silver-mounted!" + +_Second Girl._ Silver-mounted? I never heard of _that_ before--no +wonder he felt hurt! + +_First Girl (impressively)._ Silver tops to everyone of them--and that +girl to turn round as she did, and her with an Uncle in the oil and +colour line, too--it nearly broke GEORGE'S 'art! + +_Second Girl_. He's such a one to take on about things--but, as I said +to him, "GEORGE," I says, "You must remember it might have been worse. +Suppose you'd been married to that girl, and _then_ found out about +ALF and the Jubilee sixpence--how would _that_ have been?" + +_First Girl (unconsciously acting as the mouth-piece of the other +passengers)._ And what did he say to _that?_ + +_Second Girl._ Oh, nothing--there was nothing he _could_ say, but +I could see he was struck. She behaved very mean to the last--she +wouldn't send back the German concertina. + +_First Girl._ You don't say so! Well, I wouldn't have thought that of +her, bad as she is. + +_Second Girl._ No, she stuck to it that it wasn't like a regular +present, being got through a grocer, and as she couldn't send him back +the tea, being drunk,--but did you hear how she treated EMMA over the +crinoline 'at she got for her? + +_First Girl (to the immense relief of the rest)._ No, what was that? + +_Second Girl._ Well, I had it from EMMA her own self. ELIZA wrote up +to her and says, in a postscript like,--Why, this is Tottenham Court +Road, I get out here. Good-bye, dear, I must tell you the rest another +day. + +_[Gets out, leaving the tantalised audience inconsolable, and longing +for courage to question her companion as to the precise details of_ +ELIZA'S _heartless behaviour to_ GEORGE. _The companion, however, +relapses into a stony reserve. Enter a_ Chatty Old Gentleman _who has +no secrets from anybody, and of course selects as the first recipient +of his confidence the one person who hates to be talked to in an +omnibus._ + +_The Chatty O.G._ I've just been having a talk with the policeman at +the corner there--what do you think I said to him? + +_His Opposite Neighbour._ I--I really don't know. + +_The C.O.G._ Well, I told him he was a rich man compared to me. He +said, "I only get thirty shillings a week, Sir." "Ah," I said, "but +look at your expenses, compared to mine. What would _you_ do if you +had to spend eight hundred a year on your children's education? I +spend that--every penny of it, Sir. + +_His Opp. N. (utterly uninterested)._ Do you indeed?--dear me! + +_C.O.G._ Not that I grudge it--a good education is a fortune in +itself, and as I've always told my boys, they must make the best of +it, for it's all they'll get. They're good enough lads, but I've had +a deal of trouble with them one way and another--a _deal_ of trouble. +_(Pauses for some expression of sympathy--which does not come--and he +continues:)_ There are my two eldest sons--what must they do but fall +in love with the same lady--the same lady. Sir! _(No one seems to care +much for these domestic revelations--possibly because they are too +obviously addressed to the general ear.)_ And, to make matters worse, +she was a married woman--_(his principal hearer looks another way +uneasily)_--the wife of a godson of mine, which made it all the more +awkward, y'know. (His Opposite Neighbour _giving no sign, the_ C. O. +G. _tries one Passenger after another.)_ Well, I went to him--(here he +fixes an old Lady, who immediately passes up coppers out of her glove +to the_ Conductor)--went to him, and said--_(addressing a smartly +dressed young Lady with a parcel, who giggles)_--I said, "You're a man +of the world--so am I. Don't you take any notice," I told him--_(this +to a callow young man, who blushes)_--"they're a Couple of young +fools," I said, "but you tell your dear wife from me not to mind those +boys of mine--they'll soon get tired of it if they're only let alone." +And so they would have, long ago, it's my belief, if they'd met with +no encouragement--but what can _I_ do--it's a heavy trial to a father, +you know. Then there's my third son--he must needs go and marry--_(to +a Lady at his side with a reticule, who gasps faintly)_--some young +woman who dances at a Music-hall--nice daughter-in-law that for a man +in my position, eh? I've forbidden him the house of course, and +told his mother not to have any communication with him--but I know, +Sir,--_(violently, to a Man on his other side, who coughs in much +embarrassment)_--I _know_ she meets him once a week under the eagle +in Orme Square, and _I_ can't stop her! Then I'm worried about my +daughters--one of 'em gave me no peace till I let her have some +painting lessons--of course, I naturally thought the drawing-master +would be an elderly man--whereas, as things turned out,-- + +_A Quiet Man in a Corner._ I 'ope you told all this to the Policeman, +Sir? + +_The C.O.G. (flaming unexpectedly)._ No, Sir, I did _not_. I am not +in the habit--whatever _you_ may be--of discussing my private affairs +with strangers. I consider your remark highly impertinent, Sir. + +[_Fumes in silence for the rest of the journey. + +The Young Lady with the Parcel (to her friend--for the sake of +vindicating her gentility)._ Oh, my dear, I do feel so funny, carrying +a great brown-paper parcel, in a bus, too! Anyone would take me for a +shop-girl! + +_A Grim Old Lady opposite._ And I only hope, my dear, you'll never be +taken for anyone less respectable. + +[_Collapse of_ Genteel Y. L. + +_The Conductor_. Benk, benk! _(he means "Bank")_ 'Oborn, benk! 'Igher +up there, BILL, can't you? + +_A Dingy Man smoking, in a Van._ Want to block up the ole o' the road, +eh? That's right! + +_The Conductor (roused to personality)._ Go 'ome, Dirty DICK! syme +old soign, I see,--"Monkey an' Pipe!" _(To Coachman of smart brougham +which is pressing rather closely behind.)_ I say, old man, don't +you race after my bus like this--you'll only tire your 'orse. _[The +Coachman affects not to have heard._ + +_The Conductor (addressing the brougham horse, whose head is almost +through the door of the omnibus)._ 'Ere, '_ang_ it all!--step insoide, +if yer want to! + +_[Brougham falls to rear_--_triumph of_ Conductor _as Scene closes_. + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)_ + +[Illustration] + +Readers of this journal will be surprised to learn that I am penning +these lines from Blancheville, which as everybody, except the chief +of the chowder-heads, knows is the most important town of one of the +principal departments of France. Nothing but an overwhelming sense of +what is due to myself, to my readers, and to my country, would have +dragged me from the Metropolis at this season of the year. But a +distinction was offered to me, a distinction so unique and so dazzling +that I felt that it would not be fair to my fellow countrymen, of all +ages, and of every party, if I failed to take advantage of it, +and thus to present to the envious world the proud spectacle of an +Englishman honoured by the great French nation. I will narrate the +matter as briefly as is consistent with my respect for accuracy, and +with my contempt for the tapioca-brained nincompoops who snarl, +and chatter, and cackle at me in the organ of Mr. J. Last Friday I +received this telegram:-- + +_Blancheville, Friday._ + +The inhabitants of Blancheville, in public meeting assembled, +felicitate you on stupendous success of all your prophecies. Desiring +to honour you in the name of France, the mother of glorious heroes, +and the eldest daughter of Liberty, they have awarded to you the +Montyon prize for virtue, and have selected you as _Rosier en +perpetuite de Blancheville_, a new post never before held by a man. +Presentation on Sunday. Come at once. + +_(Signed)_ + +CARAMEL, _Maire de Blancheville._ + +I started that evening. In the course of the following day I reached +Blancheville. The people, in their holiday attire, were gathered +in thousands at the railway station. M. CARAMEL, accompanied by the +_Prefet_ and the _Sous-Prefet,_ all in their tricolor sashes, was +the first to greet me. Saluting me on both cheeks, he called upon the +world to witness that this was indeed a great day for Blancheville. My +escort, under the command of General Count CROUTAUPOT, then formed +up. I mounted the gilded Car of Victory, specially provided for the +celebration, and, amidst the plaudits of the assembled millions, I was +drawn by a specially-selected band of _Enfants de la Patrie_ (a sort +of body-guard, composed entirely of the French aristocracy) to the +palace, which had been prepared for my reception. At the banquet, in +the Town Hall, the healths of the QUEEN and of M. CARNOT were followed +by a lengthy speech, in English, from my brother CARAMEL (we have +sworn fraternity), in which he declared that the centuries looked down +and redazed in this joice, and that it was a delight for him to +carry a toast to the illustrious visitor who had deigned to come +to Blancheville. On the following day the ceremony took place. I +transcribe and translate from _Le Petit Colporteur de Blancheville_, +the chief local journal, an account of what took place. + +"On this day, so great and glorious for our France, it is not possible +to refrain from tears of joy and satisfaction. We have made him +_Rosier en perpetuite de Blancheville_, him the proudest and most +sympathetic writer who has dazzled Europe since the great and +illustrious PLUMEAU" (a local author of repute) "departed from us. +The history of this day must be written. Let us essay to do it as it +should be done. In the early morning twelve selected maidens, robed in +muslin and lilies, sang the _Tocsin de la Patrie_ outside the Palace +where our guest reposed. Soon afterwards he himself appeared in +flowing white garments, and showered blessings upon their heads. He +descended. He entered the four-in-hand-teams which the _Maire_ had, +as a compliment to England, made up with a _char-a-banc_ of the +neighbourhood. Thus he was drawn to the Market Place, where some of +our bravest veterans fired in his honour a thundering salute. The +beautiful and admirable Madame CARAMEL then advanced to him with a +wreath of roses in her hand. She crowned him with it, saying, 'Wear +this for Blancheville. Nobly hast thou earned it.' With difficulty the +illustrious author preserved his calm. A tear sparkled in his eye. He +bent low, and in a voice choked with emotion, thanked the citizens of +our town. Then mounting on a milk-white steed, and surrounded by the +young men of the district, he received from the _Prefet_ the Prix +Montyon for virtue." + +The rest is too flattering. I am hastening home. The QUEEN has been +graciously pleased to permit me to wear the Prix Montyon at Court. Can +a man want more? Yours, in all humility, + +LE ROSIER DE BLANCHEVILLE. + + * * * * * + +A PUFF AT WHITEHALL. + +_(A piece of extravagance faintly suggestive of a Scene from "The +Critic.")_ + +Lord GEORGE PUFF _and_ Sir JOHN BULL _discovered attending a rehearsal +of the Naval Estimates._ + +_Lord George._ And now I pray your particular attention, Sir JOHN, as +this is the best thing in my play--it is a spectacular effect called +the Summer Manoeuvres. + +_Sir John._ And no doubt costly, Lord GEORGE? + +_Lord George._ You are right, Sir JOHN, as you will have an +opportunity of finding out--hereafter. But to the argument. It is +supposed that the British Fleet is at war with, indeed, the British +Fleet. + +_Sir John._ A very clever idea. + +_Lord George._ I flatter myself it is, and novel too. It is true that +occasionally the ships comprising the British Fleet have run into one +another in the past just as if they had been at war, but then they +were avowedly at peace, and now they are undoubtedly the reverse. Do +you take my meaning? + +_Sir John._ Well, not clearly. How do you show that the British Fleet +is at war with the British Fleet? + +_Lord George._ Ah, there comes in my art, and I think you will confess +I have a very pretty wit. You see I divide the British Fleet into two +parts--one part represents the enemy and the other part represents +itself like the House of Commons, a most representative body. That is +clear, I hope? + +_Sir John._ Certainly--one is the British Fleet, and the other is not +the British Fleet. But is there no bond of union? + +_Lord George._ Most assuredly there is--you pay for both. But, pardon +me, I beg you will not further interrupt me. So, now that we have the +two Fleets face to face, or, I should say, bow to starn, we proceed +exactly as if there were a real quarrel between them. We spend money +on coal, we spend money on pay, we spend money on ammunition. Nay, +by my life, we spend money on everything--just as we should do if war +were really declared! That's simple enough. + +_Sir John._ I confess your plan _does_ seem simple. + +_Lord George._ And there is more behind. We are not satisfied with +merely spending money--we learn a lesson as well. Come, you must +confess _that_ surprises you? + +_Sir John._ Well, I admit that generally, where there is any spending +of money, it is _I_ who learn the lesson. + +_Lord George._ Good--distinctly good! But let us be serious. Well, +when we are carrying on a war by every means in our power, we fancy +that one Fleet is chasing the other. They both have equal speed, and +we give one Fleet twenty-four hours' start of the other, and will you +believe me that, although the first follows the second as fast as may +be from the beginning to the end of the manoeuvring, they never see +one another! On my life--never! They never see the British Fleet, +because it's not in sight! + +_Sir John_. But could you not have learned all this without so great +an expenditure of money? + +_Lord George._ Well, no, Sir JOHN--not at the Admiralty! + +_Sir John._ And how do you end the farce? + +_Lord George._ In the usual fashion, Sir JOHN _(ignites blue +fire)_--in smoke! + +_[The characters are lost in the fog customary to the occasion. +Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SEVERE SABBATARIAN. + +_Mr. Bung (Landlord of "Ye Pygge and Whistle")._ "SUNDAY LEAGUE, +INDEED! _I'D_ SUNDAY LEAGUE 'EM, IF I'D A CHANCE!--BREAKIN' THE +LORD'SD'Y, AND HINTERFERIN' WITH MY TRYDE!"] + + * * * * * + +"SHADOWED!" + + Shadowed! Ay, even in the holiday season, + The Statesman, in his hard-earned hour of ease, + Is haunted by forebodings, and with reason. + What is that spectre the tired slumberer sees? + The foul familiar lineaments affright him; + Its pose of menace and its pointing hand + To caution urge, to providence invite him, + To foil this scourge of the Distressful Land. + + Who does _not_ fear to speak of Forty-Seven, + When that same Shadow darkened all the isle? + Is _it_ abroad once more? Avert it, Heaven! + On Order's lips it chills the dawning smile; + Awakener of hushed fears and hatreds dying, + Blighter of more than Nature's genial growth, + Herald of hungering lips, of children crying, + To hold thee imminent all hearts are loth. + + Vain holiday nepenthe, sport's unbending, + The Statesman's burdened brain may not forget. + His cares are ceaseless and his toils unending, + Memories embarrass and forebodings fret. + The gun, the golf-club, and the rod avail not + In his tired heart to make full holiday; + E'en amidst pastime he must watch, and fail not, + Approaching ills, the shadows on the way. + + Shadowed! And not by common gloom, poor Minister! + The passing shades that chequer every course. + This spectral presence is as stern and sinister + As _atra cura_ on the rider's horse. + Before, the vision of the helpless peasant! + Behind, the famine phantom black and grim! + How should the holiday-hour, to all so pleasant, + Bring gladness true or genuine rest to him? + + Wake! There is need for provident prevision, + For watchful eye, and for most wary hand. + In mellow Autumn's interlude Elysian + The old grim Shadow strikes across the land. + May Heaven arrest its course, avert its terror, + And keep the Statesman who this foe must fight + From careless blindness and from blundering error, + Such as of old lent aid to the Black Blight. + + * * * * * + +"JACK SHEPPARD REVERSED." + +This is the title of an amusing article in last week's _Saturday +Review_. It is not the story of JACK SHEPPARD once more done into +rhyme. The title so happily selected is thoroughly justified by the +doings of an eccentric and original burglar, who, broke _into_ a +prison! This certainly was JACK SHEPPARD reversed with a vengeance! +The hero of the escapade is said to be a tinted native of +Barbadoes--his portrait should be published as a companion to the +"penny plain" of his prototype as "twopence coloured." + + * * * * * + +CARDINAL MANNING'S PRECEDENCE. + + It does not need heraldic lore + The Cardinal's place to find. + Of course he'll always come before + The ones who are behind. + + * * * * * + +THE PHAGOCYTE. + +_(The Story of a Blood Feud.)_ + + [A microscopist has found an organism called the Phagocyte in + the blood, which pursues and devours the Bacilli.] + + Strange the tale that Science tells. + Here are some devouring cells: + Ever watchful night and day, + They the vile Bacillus slay; + Wot we well he fears the bite + Of the guardian Phagocyte. + + Hour by hour the fight goes on, + Till the silent battle's won; + Vainly do Bacilli shirk + When their deadly foe's at work; + Every microbe faints with fright + At the fearsome Phagocyte. + + Should the Phagocyte not keep + Faithful ward, but go to sleep; + Then Bacillus, in high glee, + Works his will on you and me; + Danger would be ours to-night, + But for that same Phagocyte. + + Such a tale of Science seems + Like the offspring of wild dreams; + Fiction surely, in good sooth, + Can invent no tale like truth. + Stranger story none could write + Than this of the Phagocyte. + + The Astronomer descries + Worlds on worlds beyond our eyes; + 'Neath the microscope weird things + Erst unseen whirl round in rings; + Hence it is that we indite + Stanzas to the Phagocyte. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SHADOWED!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SPECULATIVE OFFER. + +_Driver._ "NOW, TOM, WHEN WE ARRIVE AT THE TURN, I'LL SELL YOU THE +DOG-CART FOR A SOV!"] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S SWIM ROUND THE WORLD. + +_(From his own Prophetic Log-book.)_ + + +_Herne Bay._--The weather being extremely favourable, I jumped off +the end of the new pier, and, getting the benefit of the flood +tide, passed the Nore and inspected Southend. Swimming quite easily, +assisted by one or two short rests. + +_Margate._--Beached this popular seaside place a few hours later. Swam +out of sight of the sands to rid myself of a view of the excursion +riff-raff thereon congregated. Sea completely smooth, but cold. Took a +nip of ----'s English Cognac. + +_Ramsgate._--Very pleased to find myself abreast of the Royal +Crescent, which seemed delightful. Cape Grisnez still bearing N.E. by +E. Munched one of ----'s excellent Birchrod Biscuits. + +_Dover._--Just had a good long rest in front of Clarence Lawn, which +glistened in the sunlight. Greatly refreshed after a drink of ----'s +Essence of Gravy beef. + +_Calais._--A shower of rain came on at this point. However, one of +----'s excellent umbrellas kept my head dry, and, being easy to hold, +did not prevent me from swimming and writing up my log. + +_Gibraltar._--I felt very fatigued going through the Bay of Biscay, +but recovered much of my strength off the fortress by sucking one of +----'s capital Kill-cough Lozenges. + +_Malta._--I have now been in the water six days and three nights +continuously, and yet am nearly as fresh as when I started. I +attribute this marvellous fact to my practice of sipping ----'s +Essence of Coffeetine. + +_Aden._--Water extremely hot, but am still confident of success. +Went to sleep for an hour in the Red Sea, smoking one of ----'s +Anti-alligator cigarettes, which are a real preventive against +crocodile annoyance. + +_Madras._--Am continuing my side-stroke but somewhat languidly. I +half regretted that I was unable to go on shore to see the Indian +curiosities. Much refreshed after partaking of the contents of ----'s +Patent Luncheon Basket. + +_Singapore._--Have now been continually in the water for six weeks. +Regret that my log should be so "scrappy," but my time just now is +very much occupied by other things. Tired, but confident of success. +During the last fortnight have fed with great relish upon ----'s +_Puree de foies gras._ It is not only cheap, but excellent. + +_New Hebrides._--Am now within measurable distance of the end of my +journey. Quite accustomed to the water. However, greatly fatigued, and +very pleased to eat some of ----'s Alimentary Condiment. + +_Pitcairn Island._--Glad to be again in these latitudes. My strokes +are now very feeble. I should have to give in were it not for ----'s +Medicated Mutton Broth, which seems to be most nourishing. + +_Cape Town._--In a fainting condition. Scarcely able to hold this pen. +Became better after eating ----'s Digestible Plum Puddings, sold in +tin canisters at 1s. 10d. per pound. + +_Rio Janeiro._--Terribly hot and exhausted. I have now been three +months continuously in the water, which is certainly a long time. Much +amused with a toy called ----'s Mechanical Rabbit. + +_Cape Verde Islands._--Almost unconscious from fatigue. However, I can +swim more easily after I have drunk a glass or two of ----'s Cabbage +Rose Temperance Non-Intoxicating Sherry. It is a most admirable +beverage. + +_Madeira._--I move with the greatest difficulty, and fear I must be +sinking. I obtain great strength from an occasional sip of ----'s +"Beef-fibre" (title registered) which seems to me worth twice its +weight in gold. + +_Dublin._--Have now been in the water continuously for nearly half a +year. Too feeble to look at Dublin. I am evidently sinking, and can +only keep off a relapse by eating ----'s Patent Vegetable Substitute +for Roast Pork. + +_Herne Bay._--Returned dead--quite dead! Restored to life by inhaling +----'s Vitality Producer. + +N.B.--The above blanks will be filled up with real names. For +particulars apply at 85, Fleet Street Advertisement Department. + + * * * * * + +A BLACK BUSINESS. + +As stated in the _Daily Telegraph_ of Thursday last, the Russian +Censor stamped out _Mr. Punch's_ Cartoon, "From Nile to Neva," and +obliterated the verses. The _St. James's Gazette_ suggested that the +Cartoon was thus reproduced in Whistlerian fashion. It certainly is a +study in black, without any relief whatever. A Black business indeed! +Who shall correct the Censor Incensed? Even _Mr. Punch_ himself +would be chary about visiting Petersburg, lest he should be "bound in +Russia,"--and sent to Siberia. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY. + +_(Effects of a Long Session in the House.)_] + + * * * * * + +WHAT THE TAME RABBIT SAID TO THE GRAND OLD GARDENER. + +_(Some way after "Alice in Wonderland.")_ + +"The work of Major MORANT is headed _Profitable Rabbit Farming. +(Laughter.)_ Yes, that is a subject for merriment, probably, on +account of its comparative novelty, but it is also a subject of +satisfaction, which is akin to merriment, because this rabbit-farming +appears to be a very good and promising description of pursuit.... +That is the raising of tame rabbits."--_Mr. Gladstone at the Hawarden +Floral and Horticultural Society's Show._ + +_These were the verses the Tame Rabbit recited_:-- + + The Grand Old Man was on the stir; + MORANT named me to him; + He gave me a good character; + I thought his meaning dim. + + He held me up; they thought it fun! + And laughed; he chid their glee. + If he should push this matter on, + What will become of Me? + + He said I was a paying game, + Commending me as such. + That's the result of being tame, + And living in a hutch. + + My notion is that it is vain + For you, you Grand Old Fella, + To rave of rabbits in the rain, + Beneath a big umbrella. + + Don't let them know _we_ fatten best, + For this should ever be + A secret kept from all the rest, + Between yourself and me! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AMONG THE BUNNIES.] + + * * * * * + +LITERATURE AND LOTTERY. + +_(By a Patron of the Popular Press.)_ + + Yes, I've "a literary taste," + And patronise a weekly journal; + 'Tis what is called _Scissors and Paste_, + The paper's poor, the print's infernal. + But what of that, when, week by week, + High at the sight of it hope rises? + What in my Magazine I seek + Is just--a medium for Prizes! + I can't be bothered to read much, + I like my literature in snippets. + My hope is, with good luck, to clutch + Villas, gold watches, sable tippets. + A coupon and some weekly pence + Give me a chance of an annuity. + Oh, the excitement is intense! + I read with ardent assiduity, + _Not_ what the poor ink-spillers say + In sparkling "par," or essay solemn; + No, what I read, with triumph gay + Or hope deferred, is--the Prize Column! + On prose my time I seldom waste, + And poetry is poor and pottery. + But oh! I have an ardent taste + For Literature when linked with Lottery! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S LITTLE HOLLERDAY. + +My hollerday, or sum of it, was spent in Hopen Spaces. Hif anybody as +has got two eyes in his hed, and a hart in his buzzom, wants for to +see what can be done with about 40 hakers of land--witch the most +respecfool Gardiner told me was about the size of the Queen's Park at +Kilburn--let him go there on a fine Summer's Arternoon, and see jest +about five thowsen children a playing about there, all free, and +hindependent, and appy, with two fountings to drink when they're ot +and thirsty, and a nice littel Jim Nasyum to climb up and down. They +ain't allowed to play at Cricket coz there ain't not room enuf, but +I did see two bold littel chaps, about six a peace, a breaking of the +Law, and a playing at the forbidden game, with a jacket for the wicket +and a stick for a Bat, and the kind-arted Gardiner hadn't got hart +enuff to stop 'em. + +He told me as how, when the Copperashun fust took possesshun of it, +it was nothink but a Baron Swomp, but that, what with the spending of +lots of money, and the souperintending genus of Major MAKENZIE, in +two years it was maid to blossom like a rose. I spent a werry plessant +arternoon there, and drove home in style on the Box Seat of a reel +Company's Bus. The nex day I went to Higate Wood, another of the grate +works of the good old Copperashun. And lawks, what a difference! No +swarms of children a playing about on the grass, but lots and lots +on 'em a racing about among the hundreds of trees, and their warious +fathers and mothers a looking on with smiling faces and prowd looks. +There is one place in the werry middle of the Wood where no less than +sewen parths meets, and there the Copperashun Committee has bilt up a +bewtifool Founting, and a long hinskripshun in praise of Water, tho +I shood dout if they speaks from werry much pussonal xperience. I was +told as how, when they fust hopened the Founting, the Chairman made a +bewtifool speech, and ended by saying, "Water, brite Water for me, and +Wine for the trembling Debborshee," and then they all went off to a +jolly good dinner. + +With that artistick taste as so distinguishes 'em, they have crissened +the place where the seven roads meets, "The Seven Dials." There was +crowds of peeple there, all enjoying of themselves in a nice quiet +way, and altogether it was a werry werry nice site. + +The werry next day I started in the warm sunshine for pretty West Ham +Park, and had a leetle adwenture as ushal, for jest as I got there who +shoud I meet but the rayther sillybrated Parson of the Parish--tho' +judgin by aperiences I shoud have took him for the Bishop of +ESSEX--and seeing me in my new Hat and my best black Coat, he werry +naterally took me for a inquiring Wisitor, and told me all about the +good deed of the Copperashun in saving the Park for the good of the +Peeple. There was some werry little chaps a playing Cricket as before +despite of the Law, and they had a reel bat too, and one on 'em, +seeing me a looking on apruvingly, gave the ball such a tremenjus blow +that he got a tooer, so I called out braywo! + +There seemed a lot of washing going on jest outside the Park, the +white shirts and settera, flustering gaily in the breeze. But, as the +Poet says, "they're allus Washing somewheres in the World!" The common +peeple was orderd to walk on the footpaths, but a gardiner told me as +them orders was not ment for such as me. I had a most copious Lunch +for tuppense in the helegant Pawillion, and being in a jowial and +ginerus mood, I treated six of the jewwenile natives to a simmeler +Bankwet. Then there is the sillibrated Band as the Copperashun +perwides twice a week, on which occasions reserwed seats is charged +a penny each. The werry adwanced state of the musical taste of the +nayberhood may be judged by the fact, that at a Concert close by, a +"Ode to a Butterfly" was to be played on a base Trombone! + +The Gardiner told me as there was such a crowd of children on larst +Bank Hollerday that there was hardly room to move about, tho' the Park +is 80 hakers big; but as I am told that such a space wood hold +about 80 thousand, quite cumferal, I thinks as he must have slitely +xadgerated. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A STRIKING NURSERY RHYME. + +_(With a Moral.)_ + + Tilbury, Tilbury Dock! + The men struck--on a rock; + For their U-ni-on + Said, "Wrong you have done!" + Tilbury, Tilbury Dock! + + Tilbury, Tilbury scare! + This "Striking" seems in the air. + Conciliation + Should free the nation + From Tilbury, Tilbury scare! + + * * * * * + +THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST. + +AT THE SEA-SIDE. + +[Illustration] + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--When I last wrote to you I was anticipatorily +revelling in the sea-bathing, tennis tournaments, pier band, and +evening promenades of Flatsands. Alas! that I must confess it, +but, after a fortnight's visit to that "salubrious spot" (_vide_ +highly-coloured advertisements), I give it as my opinion that +Flatsands is a failure; and I think that, when you have listened to, +or rather perused, my tale of woe, you will agree with me that it is a +place to be avoided at all costs. + +On the difficulties and length of my journey thither (I changed five +times, and spent nine hours in doing so), I will not dwell, neither +will I lay stress on the fact that, when I did at last reach my +destination, a prospect void of either Aunt, or conveyance of any +kind, met my view, or that a heavy sea-mist had gathered, and was +falling in the guise of penetrating, if fine, rain. After parleying +with the station-master for some time, I ascertained that the station +'bus never put in an appearance in wet weather, and that I could +not get a closed fly, because the Flatsands' conveyances were all +pony-traps, and therefore hoodless. He, however, directed me towards +Balmoral, which was my Aunt's address, and told me that ten minutes' +walk would take me, and that my luggage should be sent after me, on a +truck. + +After some difficulty, for the sea-fog was very thick, I discovered +Balmoral, but not my Aunt. The truculent-looking proprietor of the +house, who answered the door, condescended to inform me that my +relative "was the difficultest lady he'd ever had to do for. And that +she'd left two days a-gone." But where she had betaken herself to, +he either would not or could not tell me. "You'd best try along this +row," he said, and then slammed the door in my face. Having nothing +better to do, I followed his advice, and "tried along the row." I rang +at Osborne, Sandringham, and Windsor. I knocked at Claremont (the bell +was broken there), and walked boldly into Marlborough House, for that +royal residence in particular was devoid of all ordinary means of +heralding one's approach. I was just giving up my quest in despair, +when through the rain, which was now falling heavily, I spied a small +stucco villa standing shrinkingly back behind a row of palings, which, +in spite of their green paint, looked more like domestic fire-sticks +than anything else. The somewhat suggestive name of Frogmore was +inscribed on the small gate, and I remembered that I quite shivered as +I walked up the sloppy path, with my usual inquiry ready to hand. +This time, though, I was right, and when, a few minutes later, I was +sitting before a roaring fire, imbibing hot tea, and listening to +my Aunt's account of her latest complaint (did I tell you she was +hypochondriacal?) I felt that really and at last I was in for a +pleasant visit. + +The evening proved a short one, for Aunt retired at nine, for which I +was not sorry, as by that time the atmosphere of the sitting-room was +distinctly stuffy, and neither dinner, nor the fumes of the invalid's +hot-and-strong "night-cap" improved it. Next morning I sympathised +with her on the fact that, soon after she had gone to bed, the +young lady on the drawing-room floor (for two other families shared +Frogmore's roof with us) had begun to sing, and had continued her +performances till midnight; but I found my commiseration wasted, for +she said that it had soothed her, which was considerably more than +it had done me. After breakfast--which was late, on account of Aunt's +health--I proposed a stroll on the Promenade, or an inspection of the +tennis courts. "Bless my soul!" cried Auntie, "a person in my state +of health does not go to places all over promenades and tennis courts. +You won't find any such things at a nice quiet resort like Flatsands." +I felt a little dashed, but replied "that perhaps she was right, +and that it was a nice change to be without tennis; and that, as to +promenades, they were quite superfluous where there was a pier, and +a good band." "A pier, child!" she screamed. "You won't find any such +abominations as piers here, or German bands either. Do you think that +_I_ should come anywhere where there was a pier?" I felt the smile +on my face becoming fixed, but I mastered my feelings sufficiently to +murmur something about bathing before lunch. + +"You can't bathe here," snapped Aunt--"they don't allow it. The shore +is too dangerous. But you can come out with me, if you like, to the +tradespeople--I see my bath-chair coming along the road." + +And that, _Mr. Punch_, is how I spent my fortnight at Flatsands. +Walking by the side of my Aunt's chair, and giving orders to the +tradespeople in the morning; walking beside the same chair and blowing +up the tradespeople for not having carried out the orders, in the +afternoon; sitting in a hot room from five to nine o'clock, then lying +awake till midnight, listening to the drawing-room young lady singing +Italian and German songs out of tune, and with an English accent. + +Three things only occurred to in any way vary the monotony of my +existence. The first was the arrival of the singing young lady's +brother. He was seventeen, and his lungs were as thick as his boots. +He tobogganed down-stairs on a tea-tray the first day he arrived; the +second day he passed me in the hall and asked, with a grin, "if I +was one of the mummies in this old mausoleum?" the third day he left, +saying that the place was "too jolly beastly slow" for him. The second +event was the sudden extraordinary mania that Aunt (did I tell you +she was rich?) took for the singing lady. I discovered, much to my +chagrin, I must say, that often, instead of going to bed at nine, as +I believed she did, she used to ensconce herself in the drawing-room, +and there sit and listen to indifferent music till all hours. It was +this second event which brought about the third excitement. For having +been a little imprudent one night, in the matter of "night-caps," or +careless as to draughts, my Aunt was taken seriously ill. At least she +chose to think herself so, though I now have vague suspicions that the +singing lady knew more about it all than she cared to tell. All I know +is that the doctor was sent for, and that, after a long confab in the +sick room, he came to me and ordered my immediate return home. "Your +poor Aunt requires perfect quiet," he said. + +Having no choice in the matter, I packed my boxes; not exactly with +reluctance, but still with an uncomfortable feeling of being +wanted out of the way. Aunt's last words to me rather confirmed my +suspicions. "Ah! you are off, are you? Well, I may pull through this +time--I think I feel better already." Then, with a pecking kiss, and +an inaudible remark anent the ingratitude of relations, she dismissed +me. As I left the house I distinctly heard that singing creature run +up-stairs and into Aunt's room. + +On the way back to town I decided that she (Aunt I mean) was +right--relations are _disgustingly_ ungrateful. + +Yours, much hurt, + +THE ODD GIRL OUT. + + * * * * * + +TO THE CHAMPION (CRICKET) COUNTY. + + _"Skilful Surrey's sage commands."_ + There is a cue from WALTER SCOTT! + (_Not_ Surrey's "WALTER.") _Punch_ claps hands, + And sings out, "Bravo, SHUTER'S Lot!" + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL PROBABILITIES. + +New pieces by HENRY AUTHOR JONES, author of _Judah, The Deacon, +&c.:--The Archbishop; The Salvationist, or Boothiful for Ever! The +Rural Dean_ (a pastoral play); _The Chorister_, a stirring drama, +showing how a Chorister struggled with his conscience. Of course the +Rev. Mr. WILLARD will have the principal part in each piece. Then +there will be special nights for the Ministers of all denominations. +There will be a _Matinee_ of _Precedence_, to which Cardinal MANNING +and all his clergy will be invited. After the play is over, the Right +Reverend Dr. WILLARD will preach a sermon to the Cardinal, on his +duties generally. + +As long as only the orthodox witness these performances all will go +well. But what a first night that will be when the Right Reverend Dr. +WILLARD and the Reverend HENRY AUTHOR JONES find that some play has +been produced in the presence of an audience composed entirely of +Dissenters! _Absit omen!_ This may never happen if only serious +persons in orders, or rather with orders, are admitted. + + * * * * * + +---> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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