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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12323-0.txt b/12323-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5fa6e8b --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1431 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12323 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +August 2, 1890. + + + + +[Illustration: A "SCENE" IN THE HIGHLANDS. + +_Ill-used Husband_ (_under the Bed_). "AYE! YE MAY CRACK ME, AND +YE MAY THRASH ME, BUT YE CANNA BREAK MY MANLY SPERRIT. I'LL NA COME +OOT!!"] + + * * * * * + +PUNCH TO THE SECOND BATTALION. + + "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"--JUVENAL. + + You're off, boys, to Bermuda + (_Like_ "the Bermoothes," "vexed"). + The Guards rebel? _Proh pudor!_ + What next--and next--and next? + Who'll guard the Guards, if they guard not + The fame they should revere? + Fie on the row, row, row, row, + Of the British Grenadier! + + Your _Punch_ is sorry for you, + And for these lads "in quod;" + But Discipline's a parent + That _must_ not spare the rod. + May you right soon redeem your name, + And no more may _Punch_ hear + Of the row, row, row, row, row, row, + Of the British Grenadier! + + _If_ you have been o'er-worried + By ultra-Martinet; + Into unwisdom hurried, + Be sure Bull won't forget. + But England's Redcoats must _not_ ape + The Hyde Park howl, that's clear; + So no more row, row, row, row, + From the British Grenadier! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S AMERICAN ACQUAINTANCE. + +My akwaintance among eminent selebraties seems to be rapidly +encreasing. Within what _Amlet_ calls a week, a little week, after my +larst intervue with the emenent young Swell as amost lost his art to +the pretty Bridesmade, I have been onored with the most cordial notice +of a werry emenent Amerrycane, who cums to Lundon wunce ewery year, +and makes a good long stay, and allus cums to one or other of our +Grand Otels. He says he's taken quite a fansy to me, and for this most +singler reason. He says as I'm the ony Englishman as he has ewer known +who can allus giv a answer rite off to ewery question as he arsks +me! So much so, that he says as how as I ort to be apinted the Guide, +Feelosofer, and Frend of ewery one of the many Wisiters as we allus +has a staying here! + +Well, all I can say is, that if I affords the heminent Amerrycane +jest about harf the fun and emusement as he does me, I must be a much +cleverer feller than I ewer thort myself, or than my better harf +ewer told me as I was. Ah, wouldn't he jest make her stare a bit if +she herd sum of his most owdacious sayings. Why, he acshally says, +that the hole system of marrying for life is all a mistake, and not +consistent with our changable nature! And that we ort to take our +Wives on lease, as we does our houses, wiz., for sewen or fourteen +years, and that in a great majority of cases they woud both be preshus +glad when the end of the lease came! And he tries werry hard to make +me bleeve, tho in course he doesn't succeed, that in one part of +his grate and staggering Country, ewerybody does jest as he likes +in these rayther himportant matters, and has jest as many Wives as +he can afford to keep, and that the King of that place has about a +dozen of 'em! Ah, if you wants to hear a Teel downright staggerer as +nobody carnt posserbly bleeve, don't "ask the Pleaceman," but arsk an +Amerrycane! + +He wanted werry much to go to Brighton, and see our new Grand +Metropole Otel opened last Satterday; so I spoke to our most +gentlemanly Manager, and he gave him a ticket that took him down +first-class, and brort him back, and took him into the Otel, and +supplied him with heverythink as art coud wish for, or supply, and +as much Shampane as he could posserbly drink--and, when there ain't +nothink to pay for it, it's reelly estonishing what a quantity a +gennelman can dispose of--; and the way in which he afterwards told +me as he showed his grattitude for what he called a reel first-class +heavening's enjoyment was, to engage a delicious little sweet of +apartments for a fortnite, so we shall see him no more for that length +of time. He told me as he had seen all the great Otels of Urope +and Amerrykey, but he was obligated to confess, in his own emphatic +langwidge, that the Brighton Metropole "licked all creation!" I didn't +quite understand him, but I've no doubt it was intended as rayther +complimentary. He rayther staggered me by asking what it cost, but I +was reddy with my anser, and boldly said, jest exaoly a quarter of a +million. + +He told me that, in his own grand country, he was ginerally regarded +as a werry truthful man, which, of course, I was pleased to hear, for +sum of his statements was that staggering as wood have made me dowt +it in a feller-countryman. For hinstance, he acshally tried to make +me bleeve that his Country is about 20 times as big as ours! Well, in +course, common politeness made me pretend to bleeve him, speshally +as he's remarkable liberal to me, as most of his countrymen is, but +I coudn't help thinking as it woud have been wiser of him if he had +made his werry long Bow jest a leetle shorter. He's a remarkabel +fine-looking gennelman, and his manners quite comes up to my +description. ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A LYRIC FOR LOWESTOFT. + + [Mr. HENRY IRVING is studying for his new piece at Lowestoft.] + +[Illustration] + + Henry Irving, will the Master feel the fierce and bracing breeze, + As you wander by the margin of the restless Eastern seas? + + Save the seagull slowly swirling none shall hear the tale of woe, + Learn how dark the life that ended in the fatal "Kelpie's Flow." + + 'Mid the murmur of the ocean you will tell how _Edgar_ felt + When his _Lucy_ broke her troth-plight, and he flung down _Craigengelt_, + + Fitting place for actor's study, all that long and lonely shore; + Yonder point methinks as Wolf's Crag should be known for evermore. + + Henceforth will the place be haunted when the midnight hour draws nigh: + Men shall see the Master standing stern against the stormy sky. + + Faint, impalpable as shadow from the cloudland, _Lucy_ there + Shall keep tryst; the moon's effulgence not more golden than her hair. + + And, in coming nights of Autumn, when the vast Lyceum rings + With reverberating plaudits, and the town thy praises sings, + + Memories of the sands at Lowestoft shall be with you ere you sleep; + In your ears once more shall echo diapason of the deep. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DREAM OF UNFAIRLY-TREATED WOMEN. + +(_A Long Way After the Laureate._)] + + I read, before my eyelids dropt their shade, + A leader on weak women and their woe, + In toil and industry, in art and trade, + In this hard world below. + + And for awhile the thought of the sad part + Played by them and of Fate's ill-balanced scales, + Moistened mine eyelids, and made ache mine heart, + Remembering these strange tales + + Of woman's miseries in every land, + I saw wherever poverty draws breath + Woman and anguish walking hand in hand, + The dreary road to death. + + Those pallid sempstresses of HOOD'S great song + Peopled the hollow dark, not now alone, + And I heard sounds of insult, shame, and wrong, + And grief's sad monotone, + + From hearts, like flints, beaten by tyrant hoofs; + And I saw crowds in sombre sweating-dens, + With reeking walls and dank and dripping roofs-- + Fit scarce for styes or pens. + + Death at home's sin-stained threshold; honour's fall + Dislodging from her throne love's household pet, + And wan-faced purity a tyrant's thrall, + With wild eyes sorrow-wet. + + And unsexed women facing heated blasts + And Tophet fumes, and fluttering tongues of fire; + And virtue staked on most unholy casts, + And honour sold for hire: + + Squadrons and troops of girls of brazen air, + Tramping the tainted city to and fro, + With feverish flauntings veiling chill despair + And deeply-centred woe. + + So shape chased shape. I saw a neat-garbed nurse, + Wan with excessive work; and, bowed with toil, + A shop-girl sickly, of the primal curse + Each looked the helpless spoil. + + Anon I saw a lady, at night's fall + Stiller than chiseled marble, standing there; + A daughter of compassion, slender, tall, + And delicately fair. + + Her weariness with shame and with surprise + My spirit shocked: she turning on my face + The heavy glances of unrested eyes, + Spoke mildly in her place. + + "I have long duties; ask thou not my name + Some say I fret at a fair destiny. + Many I have to tend; to make my claim + Some venture: we shall see." + + "I trust, good lady, that in a fair field, + The case 'twixt you and tyranny will be tried," + I said; then turning promptly I appealed + To one who stood beside. + + She said, "Poor pay, and plenteous fines, and worse, + Made me rebel amidst my mates' applause. + To insubordination I'm averse, + But have I not good cause? + + "We are cut off from hope in our hard place, + Sweet factory? Ah, well, _our_ sweets are few. + We strike for justice. Man might show some grace, + I think, Sir; do not you?" + + Turning I saw, ranging a flowery pile, + One sitting in an entry dark and cold; + A girl with hectic cheeks, and hollow smile; + Wired roses there she sold, + + Or strove to sell; but often on her ear + The harrying voice of stern policedom struck, + And chased her from her vantage, till a tear + Fell at her "wretched luck." + + Again I saw a wan domestic drudge + Scuttering across a smug suburban lawn; + Tired with the nightly watch, the morning trudge, + The toil at early dawn. + + And then a frail and thin-clad governess, + Hurrying to daily misery through the rain. + Toiling, with scanty food, and scanty dress, + Long hours for little gain. + + Anon a spectral shop-girl creeping back + To her dull garret-home through the chill night, + Bowed, heart-sick, spirit-crushed, poor ill-paid hack + Of harsh commercial might! + + These I beheld, the world's sad woman-throng, + Work-ridden vassals of its Mammon-god, + Their destiny to creep and drudge along, + And kiss grief's chastening rod. + + And then I saw a spirit surface-fair, + A Mænad-masked betrayer, base, impure, + But with sin's glittering garb, and radiant air, + Gay laugh, and golden lure. + + It smiled, it beckoned--whither? To the abyss! + But of that throng how many may be drawn + By the gay glamour and the siren kiss + To where sin's soul-gulfs yawn? + + How many? No response my vision gave. + Make answer, if ye may, ye lords of gain! + Make answer, if ye know, ye chiders grave + Of late revolt, and vain! + + Dream of _Fair_ Women? Nay, for work and want + Mar maiden comeliness and matron grace. + Let sober judgment, clear of gush and cant, + The bitter problem face! + + * * * * * + +ERIN AVENGED.--The Irish champions, HAMILTON, PIM, and STOKER, have +won the "All-England" (it _should_ be All-Irish) Tennis Championship, +both Single and Double, beating the hitherto invincible Brothers +RENSHAW, and other lesser Lights of the Lawn. And now at Bisley the +Irish Team have, for the third time in succession, won the Elcho +Challenge Shield. The old caveat will have to be changed into "No +_non_-Irish need apply!" + + * * * * * + +QUITE THE NEWEST SONGS.--"_Over the Sparkling Serpentine_." By the +author and composer of "_Across the Still Lagoon_." "_Five Men in a +Cab_." By the ditto ditto of "_Three Men in a Boat_;" "_Hates Copper +Nightmare_" to follow "_Love's Golden Dream_;" and the "_General's +Dustpan_;" also, shortly; a companion song to the popular "_Admiral's +Broom_." + + * * * * * + +"A GATHERING OF THE CLAN."--According to _Debrett_, the Earl of +CLANCARTY (by the way, the Patent of Nobility granted to this family +in 1793, is consequently not a hundred years old) bears on his arms "A +Sun in splendour." The authority is too good to imagine for a moment +that this can be a misprint! + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Monday_.--Colney Hatch Hussars' Annual private Introspection. Balloon +rises at Chelsea. Sets to partners after midnight. + +_Tuesday_.--Beadle of Burlington Arcade's Copper Wedding Festivities +commence. Kangaroo Shooting in Fleet Street begins. + +_Wednesday_.--_Mr. Punch_ up and out with the lark. Afternoon +Fireworks on the Stock Exchange. Hippopotamus-washing in the +Serpentine commences. + +_Thursday_.--Billiard Championship contest in the Pool below London +Bridge. Cannons supplied by the Tower. Anniversary Festivity to +celebrate the Discovery of cheap Ginger Beer by the Chinese B.C. 3700. + +_Friday_.--Opening of the "Wash and Brush you up" Company's Automatic +Machine, by Prince HENRY of BATTENBERG. Total Eclipse of the Moon, +invisible at Herne Bay and Pekin. + +_Saturday_.--Tinned Oyster Season commences. Fancy Dress Ball at +Bedlam. Close time for Hyænas in Belgrave Square. + + * * * * * + +The Austrian Inventor, who has just designed his ship of a mile in +length that is to travel through the water at eighty-seven miles an +hour, and cross the Atlantic in something under a day and a half, is, +I am told, only waiting the requisite capital to enable him at once +to set about carrying his project into effect. Each vessel will be +provided with an Opera House a Cathedral, including a Bishop, who +will be one of the ship's salaried officers; a Circus, Cricket-ground, +Cemetery, Race-course, Gambling-saloon, and a couple of lines of +Electric Tram-cars. The total charge for board and transit will +be only 10s. 6d. a day, which will bring the fare to New York +to something like 16s. As it is calculated that at least 100,000 +passengers will cross the Atlantic on each journey, the financial +aspect of the whole concern seems sound. As I said before, the only +difficulty is the capital. Surely some enterprising Croesus who has +thirty millions lying idle in the Two-and-a-half per Cents, might look +at the matter. + + * * * * * + +"A SPORTING TIPSTER" writes:--"Perhaps you are not aware that _the_ +feature of next Season's Foot-ball will be the arrival of a strong +team of the Kajawee Cannibal Islanders, a ferocious race, who have +been instructed in the game by a celebrated Midland half-back. As in +practice they invariably, instead of a foot-ball, use a fresh human +head, and in a scrimmage leave half their number dead on the field, by +having recourse to the 'Kogo' or 'Spine Splitting Stroke,' introduced +from a local athletic game, some excitement will no doubt be +manifested in sporting circles when they meet the Clapham Rovers, as, +I believe, it is arranged they shall do at the Oval, early in November +next." + + * * * * * + +Hats of the style of the earliest portion of the Saxon Heptarchy +will _not_, after all, be seen in the Row during this Season, though +several male leaders of fashion are stated to have given orders for +them on an approved model. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WASTED EPIGRAM. + +"WHERE IS THE EVENING _GAZETTE_, WAITER?' + +"PLEASE, SIR, IT'S NOT YET _SEWN_." + +"_SOWN_, SIR! IT OUGHT TO HAVE _COME UP_!"] + + * * * * * + +MINE AND THINE. + + [In a recent case, a promoter of Gold Mining Companies + was asked if any of his Companies had ever paid a penny of + dividend. His answer was, "You cannot know much about gold + mines to ask such a question." He admitted, however, that he + himself had made some £50 000 out of them. "This," he said, + "is not profit; it is the realisation of property."] + + Take a patch of land in Africa and multiply by ten, + Then extract a ton of metal from an ounce or two of sand; + Write a roseate prospectus with a magnifying pen, + Making deserts flow with honey in a rich and smiling land. + + Take some crumbs of truth, and spread them with a covering of bosh, + And conceal them in a pie-crust labelled "Promises to pay"; + Hide away all dirty linen, or remove it home to wash, + And then begin the process which the wise ones call "Convey." + + Next collect a band of brothers, all inspired by one desire. + To subserve the public interest, single-hearted men and true; + Stuff with shares, and thus permit them in your kindness to acquire, + At a price, the vendor's property,--the vendor being you. + + Then, since _you_ must make a profit, call the public to your aid; + Let them give you all their money, which they think they only lend: + And of course you mustn't tell them, till the fools have safely paid, + Mines were made for sinking money, not for raising dividend. + + And the clergy bring their savings, the widows bring their store, + And they push to reach your presence, and they jostle and they fall, + And at last they pile their money in a heap before your door; + And, just to make them happy, you accept and keep it all. + + So you make your mine by begging--(modern miners never dig),-- + And you float a gorgeous Company. The shares go spinning up; + But you never "rig the market." (What an awkward word is "rig"!) + And you drain success in bumpers from an overflowing cup. + + Then one day the thing gets shaky, and it goes from bad to worse, + And the public grasps a shadow where it tried to hold a share; + And in vain the country clergy most unclerically curse, + _You_ have "realised your property," and end a millionnaire. + + * * * * * + +COMING SEA-SCRAPES AT CHELSEA. + +(_DRAWN BY AN INSIDER._) + +MR. PUNCH, SIR, + +That the sister Service should also have its turn at Chelsea I +reckon I can understand, and the Show ought to be popular; but if +the Admiralty want to make a further "exhibition" of themselves, they +won't have to go very far a-field for material. Here are one or two +exhibits that come to hand at once. First, there's those big guns +which it ain't safe to fire nohow, and which, if you do load with half +a charge, crack, bend, and get sent back to be "ringed" up, whatever +that means, and are not safe, even for a salute, ever afterwards. +Then, in another case, they might show a foot or two of that blessed +boiler-piping which is always leaking, or splitting, or bursting, just +when it shouldn't. In a third they might display a chop that had been +cooked from lying exposed in one of those famous stokeholes where +the poor beggars of sailors are expected to pass their time without +getting roasted too. Then there might be, as a sort of prize puzzle, +a plan of these here recent manoeuvres, with the Umpire's opinion +of the whole blessed jumble tacked on to it. Then, to enliven the +proceedings. Lord GEORGE might take his turn with the rest of the +Admiralty Board, and give us, every half hour or so, a figure or two +of the Hornpipe, just to let the public see that they have got some +sort of nautical "go" about them to warrant them in drawing their big +screw. Bless you, _Mr. Punch_, there's lots to make an Exhibition of +at Chelsea next year if you come to calculate. Leastways that's the +opinion of your humble servant and admirer, + +A TAX-PAYING LANDLUBBER. + + * * * * * + +ON GUARDS! + +THE BAD FORM OF THE PAST. + +[Illustration] + +There he stood in his evening dress, with a half-smoked cigarette +between his lips. He had been knocking about Piccadilly all day, +had dined at the Junior, looked in at the Opera, and finished at the +Steak. He seemed a civilian of civilians. The most casual observer +would have declared that he could never have seen the inside of a +barrack-yard. So no surprise was expressed when the question was asked +him. + +"What am I?" he repeated, languidly, and then he replied, with a yawn, +"Can't you see, old Chappie? Why, an Officer in the Guards!" + +THE GOOD FORM OF THE FUTURE. + +There he stood in his neat, serviceable undress uniform, with a cigar +between his lips. He had abandoned the swagger frogged coat and silk +sash for the unpretending patrol jacket of his brethren in the Line. +He had been hard at work all day in barracks, inspecting meals, +visiting the hospital, attending parades. He had paid his company +personally, had seen every man, and found that there were no +complaints. He had attended a mess meeting, and had dined at mess, +playing a rubber afterwards (sixpenny points) in the ante-room. +He knew as much about the internal economy of the Battalion as the +Colonel, the Adjutant, or the Sergeant-Major. He seemed a soldier of +soldiers. The most casual observer would have declared that he was +acquainted with every inch of the barrack-yard. So general surprise +was expressed when the question was asked him. + +"What am I?" he repeated, briskly; and then he replied, with a smile, +"Can't you see, stupid? Why, an Officer in the Guards!" + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT A GARDEN-PARTY. + + SCENE--_A London Lawn. A Band in a costume half-way between + the uniforms of a stage hussar and a circus groom, is + performing under a tree. Guests discovered slowly pacing the + turf, or standing and sitting about in groups._ + +_Mrs. Maynard Gery_ (_to her Brother-in-law--who is thoroughly aware +of her little weaknesses_). Oh, PHIL,--you know everybody--_do_ tell +me! Who is that common-looking, little man with the scrubby beard, and +the very yellow gloves--how does he come to be _here_? + +_Phil_. Where? Oh, I see him. Well--have you read _Sabrina's Uncle's +Other Niece?_ + +_Mrs. M.G._ No--_ought_ I to have? I never even heard of it! + +_Phil_. Really? I wonder at that--tremendous hit--you must order +it--though I doubt if you'll be able to get it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Oh, I shall _insist_ on having it. And _he_ wrote it? +Really, PHIL, now I come to look at him, there's something rather +striking about his face. Did you say _Sabrina's Niece's Other +Aunt_--or what? + +_Phil_. _Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece_ was what I _said_--not that it +signifies. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Oh, but I always attach the greatest importance to names, +myself. And do you know him? + +_Phil_. What, TABLETT? Oh, yes--decent little chap; not much to say +for himself, you know. + +_Mrs. M.G._ I don't mind _that_ when a man is _clever_--do you think +you could bring him up and introduce him? + +_Phil_. Oh, I _could_--but I won't answer for your not being +disappointed in him. + +_Mrs. M.G._ I have never been disappointed in any genius +_yet_--perhaps, because I don't expect too much--so go, dear boy; he +may be surrounded unless you get hold of him soon. [_PHIL obeys_. + +_Phil_ (_accosting the Scrubby Man_). Well, TABLETT, old fellow, how +are things going with you? _Sabrina_ flourishing? + +_Mr. Tablett_ (_enthusiastically_). It's a tremendous hit, my boy; +orders coming in so fast they don't know how to execute 'em--there's a +fortune in it, as I always told you! + +_Phil_. Capital!--but you've such luck. By the way, my sister-in-law +is most anxious to know you. + +_Mr. T._ (_flattered_). Very kind of her. I shall be delighted. I was +just thinking I felt quite a stranger here. + +_Phil_. Come along then, and I'll introduce you. If she asks you +to her parties by any chance, mind you go--sure to meet a lot of +interesting people. + +_Mr. T._ (_pulling up his collar_). Just what I enjoy--meeting +interesting people--the only society worth cultivating, to my mind, +Sir. Give me _intellect_--it's of more value than wealth! + + [_They go in search of Mrs. M.G._ + +_First Lady on Chair_. Look at the dear Vicar, getting that poor +Lady PAWPERSE an ice. What a very spiritual expression he has, to be +sure--really quite apostolic! + +_Second Lady_. We are not in his parish, but I have always heard him +spoken of as a most excellent man. + +_First Lady_. Excellent! My dear, that man is a perfect _Saint_! I +don't believe he knows what it is to have a single worldly thought! +And such trials as he has to bear, too! With that _dreadful_ wife of +his! + +_Second Lady_. That's the wife, isn't it?--the dowdy little woman, all +alone, over there? Dear me, what _could_ he have married her for? + +_First Lady_. Oh, for her _money_, of course, my dear! + +_Mrs. Pattallons_ (_to Mrs. ST. MARTIN SOMERVILLE_). Why, it really +_is_ you! I absolutely didn't know you at first. I was just thinking, +"Now who _is_ that young and lovely person coming along the path?" You +see--I came out without my glasses to-day, which accounts for it! + +_Mr. Chuck_ (_meeting a youthful Matron and Child_). Ah, Mrs. SHARPE, +how de do! _I'm_ all right. Hullo, TOTO, how are _you_, eh, young +lady? + +_Toto_ (_primly_). I'm very well indeed, thank you. (_With sudden +interest_). How's the idiot? Have you seen him lately? + +_Mr. C._ (_mystified_). The idiot, eh? Why, fact is, I don't _know_ +any idiot!--give you my word! + +_Toto_ (_impatiently_). Yes, you _do_--_you_ know. The one Mummy says +you're next door to--you must see him _sometimes_! You _did_ say Mr. +CHUCK was next door to an idiot, didn't you, Mummy? + + [_Tableau._ + +_Mrs. Prattleton_. Let me see--_did_ we have a fine Summer in '87? +Yes, of course--I always remember the weather by the clothes we wore, +and that June and July we wore scarcely anything--some filmy stuff +that belonged to one's ancestress, don't you know. _Such_ fun! By the +way, what has become of Lucy? + +_Mrs. St. Patticker_. Oh, I've quite lost sight of her lately--you +see she's so perfectly happy now, that she's ceased to be in the least +interesting! + +_Mrs. Hussiffe_ (_to Mr. DE MURE_). Perhaps _you_ can tell me of a +good coal merchant? The people who supply me now are perfect _fiends_, +and I really must go somewhere else. + +_Mr. De Mure_. Then I'm afraid you must be rather difficult to please. + + Mr. TABLETT _has been introduced to_ Mrs. MAYNARD GERY--_with + the following result_. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_enthusiastically_). I'm so delighted to make your +acquaintance. When my brother-in-law told me who you were, +I positively very nearly shrieked. I am such an admirer of +your--(_thinks she won't commit herself to the whole title--and +so compounds_)--your delightful _Sabrina_! + +_Mr. T._ Most gratified to hear it, I'm sure, I'm told there's a +growing demand for it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Such a hopeful sign--when one was beginning quite to +despair of the public taste! + +_Mr. T._ Well, I've always said--So long as you give the Public a +really first-rate article, and are prepared to spend any amount of +money on _pushing_ it, you know, you're sure to see a handsome return +for your outlay--in the long run. And you see, I've had this carefully +analysed, by competent judges-- + +_Mrs. M.G._ Ah, but _you_ can feel independent of criticism, can't +you? + +_Mr. T._ Oh, I defy anyone to find anything unwholesome in it--it's as +suitable for the most delicate child as it is for adults--nothing to +irritate the most sensitive-- + +_Mrs. M.G._ Ah, you mean certain critics are so thin-skinned--they are +indeed! + +_Mr. T._ (_warming to his subject_). But the beauty of this particular +composition is that it causes absolutely _no_ unpleasantness or +inconvenience afterwards. In some cases, indeed, it acts like a charm. +I've known of two cases of long-standing erysipelas it has completely +cured. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_rather at sea_). How gratifying that must be. But that +is the magic of all truly great work, it is such an _anodyne_--it +takes people so completely out of themselves--doesn't it? + +_Mr. T._ It takes anything of that sort out of _them_, Ma'am. It's the +finest discovery of the age, no household will be without it in a few +months--though perhaps I say it who shouldn't. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_still more astonished_). Oh, but I _like_ to hear you. +I'm so tired of hearing people pretending to disparage what they have +done, it's such a _pose_, and I hate posing. Real genius is _never_ +modest. (_If he had been more retiring, she would have, of course, +reversed this axiom_.) I _wish_ you would come and see me on one of +my Tuesdays, Mr. TABLETT, I should feel so honoured, and I think you +would meet some congenial spirits--do look in some evening--I will +send you a card if I may--let me see--could you come and lunch next +Sunday? I've got a little man coming who was very nearly eaten up by +cannibals. I think _he_ would interest you. + +_Mr. T._ I shall be proud to meet him. Er--did they eat _much_ of him? + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_who privately thinks this rather vulgar_). How _witty_ +you are! That's quite worthy of a--_Sabrina_, really! Then you _will_ +come? So glad. And now I mustn't keep you from your other admirers any +longer. [_She dismisses him_. + +LATER. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_to her Brother-in-law_). How _could_ you say that dear +Mr. TABLETT was _dull_, PHIL? I found him perfectly charming--so +original and unconventional! He's promised to come to me. By the way, +_what_ did you say the name of his book was? + +_Phil_. I never said he had written a book. + +_Mrs. M.G._ PHIL--you _did_!--_Sabrina's Other--Something_. Why, I've +been _praising_ it to him, entirely on your recommendation. + +_Phil_. No, no--_your_ mistake. I only asked you if you'd read +_Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece_, and, as I made up the title on the +spur of the moment, I should have been rather surprised if you had. +_He_ never wrote a line in his life. + +_Mrs. M.G._ How _abominable_ of you! But surely he's famous for +_something_? He talks like it. [_With reviving hope_. + +_Phil_. Oh, yes, he's the inventor and patentee of the new "Sabrina" +Soap--he says he'll make a fortune over it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ But he hasn't even done _that_ yet! PHIL, I'll _never_ +forgive you for letting me make such an idiot of myself. What _am_ +I to do now? I _can't_ have him coming to me--he's really too +impossible! + +_Phil_. Do? Oh, order some of the soap, and wash your hands of him, I +suppose--not that he isn't a good deal more presentable than some of +your lions, after all's said and done! + + [_Mrs. M.G., before she takes her leave, contrives to inform + Mr. TABLETT, with her prettiest penitence, that she has only + just recollected that her luncheon party is put off, and that + her Tuesdays are over for the Season. Directly she returns to + Town, she promises to let him hear from her; in the meantime, + he is not to think of troubling himself to call. So there is + no harm done, after all_. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +(_LAST WEEK OF OPERA._) + +[Illustration: Hamlet Personally Conducted.] + +_Monday_.--_Hamlet_. Music by AMBROISE THOMAS, and _libretto_ by +Messieurs CARRÉ and BARBIER, who seem to have read _Hamlet_ once +through, after which they wrote down as a _libretto_ what they +remembered, of the story. It would be difficult to mention any Opera +less dramatic than this. The question arises at once, adapting the +immortal phrase of JAMES LE SIFFLEUR, "Why lug in _Hamlet_?" Why +not have called it _Ophelia_? Whatever interest there may be in the +Opera--and there is very little--is centred entirely in _Ophelia_. +The _Ghost_ is utterly purposeless, but of distinguished appearance +as a robust spectre, marching in at one gate, and out at another, or +hiding behind a sofa, and popping up suddenly, in order to frighten +an equally purposeless _Hamlet._ Like father, like son. M. LASSALLE +is a fine, substantial, baritonial _Hamlet_, who is always posturing, +weeping, calling out _ma mère_, and blubbering on the ample matronly +bosom of his mother, Madame RICHARD ("O RICHARD! _O ma Reine_!") +like a big, blubbering, overgrown schoolboy. Were I inclined to +disquisitionise, I should say that Messieurs CARRÉ and BARBIER have +actually realised SHAKSPEARE's own description of his jelly-fleshed +hero, whose mind is as shaky as his well-covered body. _Hamlet_ +was--as SHAKSPEARE took care to emphasise--"fat, and scant of +breath"--which was the physical description of the actor who first +impersonated the leading _rôle_ of this play; and the French author's +idea of _Hamlet_ was, accordingly, a fat youth, very much out of +condition, home from Wittenberg College, in consequence of his +father's recent decease. + +[Illustration: Hamlet is out of it in the last Act. Why wasn't he +brought into the Ballet?] + +Some of the lighter musical portions of the Opera are charming, and +the Chorus at the end of Act I, might have been written by OFFENBACH. +But what is there of the story? Nothing. The King is not killed: the +Queen isn't poisoned: _Polonius_ is not stabbed behind the arras, +having been, perhaps, killed before the Opera commenced, since his +name appears in the book but not in the programme, and the only person +on the stage that I could possibly associate with that dear old +Lord Chamberlain was M. MIRANDA, who had donned a white beard and a +different robe from what he had been previously wearing as _Horatio_ +in the First and Second Acts, in order to enter and lead the King +away, in an interpolated and ineffective scene which was not in the +book. A very hard-working Opera for the principals, and a thankless +task. _Hamlet's_ drinking song fine, and finely sung. But the whole +point of the Opera is in the last Act, where there is a _ballet_ that +has nothing to do with the piece, but pretty to see little PALLADINO +in short white skirts, dancing merrily in a forest glade, among the +happy peasantry, to whom comes _Ophelia_, mad as several hatters, +and after a lunatic scene, charming, both musically and dramatically, +throws herself into the water, and dies singing. + +Here is a suggestion for the effective compression and reduction +of the Opera, and if my plan be accepted, DRURIOLANUS will earn the +eternal gratitude of those who would like to hear all that is good in +it, and to skip, as PALLADINO does, the rest. Thus:-- + +ACT I.--_Enter_ HAMLET. _Solo. Exit. Enter_ OPHELIA. _Solo. Re-enter_ +HAMLET. OPHELIA _and_ HAMLET _love-duet. Exit_ OPHELIA. HAMLET'S +_Friends come in, and he sings them a Drinking Song with Chorus. All +join in Chorus and Dance. Curtain_. + +[Illustration: An awkward moment for Hamlet. Row with his Mother and +Ophelia.] + +ACT II.--_Opening Chorus (anything; it doesn't matter if it's only +pretty and bright). Enter_ HAMLET. _Solo_. "_Être, ou ne pas être." +Enter_ OPHELIA _with book, pretends not to see_ HAMLET. _Solo. Enter_ +Queen. OPHELIA _complains to her that_ HAMLET _isn't behaving like +a gentleman._ Queen _upbraids_ HAMLET: _So does_ OPHELIA: HAMLET +_depressed, Exit_ Queen R.H. _Exit_ OPHELIA L.H. HAMLET _remains, +evidently going mad_. PALLADINO _looks in. Dances_. HAMLET _joins her. +Enter Friends, Courtiers, Peasants, and other Friends. All join in +ballet_, HAMLET _included. Enter_ Keepers, _and_ HAMLET _is taken off +to Hanwellhagen_. OPHELIA _rushes in, faints. Curtain_. + +ACT III.--_Meadows near Hanwellhagen, in Denmark. Dance of Lunatics, +out for a holiday. To them enter OPHELIA. All the charming music, +delightful, and, this being finished, she chucks herself away into the +stream. Curtain_. + +Great call for everybody concerned. And, if the above scheme be +adopted, the Opera would be over before eleven, having begun at nine. +I present this with my compliments to DRURIOLANUS and AMBROISE THOMAS; +and, if he is not "a doubting THOMAS," he will try this plan. + +The remainder of the week passed away happily, so I hear, but was not +able to be in my place, as I was at somebody else's place far, far +away. The Opera has been, from the first, a big success. Should like +to hear _Masaniello_ once again. Perhaps that is a treat in store for +all of us. Thus ends the Opera-goer's Diary for 1890, and everybody is +highly satisfied and delighted. Curtain. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL PARADOX. + + When Autumn comes, our womenfolk prepare + To grind the "old old tune" called "change of air." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MRS. HIGHFLYER'S DANCE, 2 A.M. + +"AH! IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR THE FOOTMEN,--AND IT'S ALL VERY WELL +FOR THE GALS,--BUT IT'S PRECIOUS 'ARD ON US COACHMEN AND THE PORE +MOTHERS!"] + + * * * * * + +"OUR TURN NOW!" + +_OR, MR. BULL AND THE WANDERING MINSTRELS._ + + _Mr. Bull_. Confound these Wandering Minstrels! Oh, the bore of them! + Only just settled with yon tow-hair'd fellow + Turning the corner, and behold two more of them, + Prepared to grind and tootle, blow and bellow, + Until I tip _them_ in a liberal fashion. + Upon my word, their noise is something shocking; + Enough to put a person in a passion. + Menaces slighting and remonstrance mocking, + They stand and twangle, tootle, grind, and gurgle + Their horrible cacophony. Find it funny, + Ye grinners? Might as well my mansion burgle, + As "row" me forcibly out of my money. + The Teuton tootler, being tipped, is "sloping," + Patting his pocket with a smile complacent. + The Gallic blower, for like treatment hoping, + Grins at the Portuguese who grinds adjacent. + What a _charivari_! Oh, I _must_ stop it! + I say, you rascal with the hurdy-gurdy, + More than enough of that vile shindy; drop it! + And you, my brazen, blatant, would-be VERDI, + Hush that confounded horn, or go and blow it + At--Jericho. _My_ walls you will not tumble + By windy shindy, and you ought to know it. + + _Horn-Player_. Bah! ze old hombogs! He sall growl and grumble + But he vill _pay_ ven it come to ze pinches; + I know him, ze cantankerous _vieux_ chappie. + Ze German yonder, vy he take ze inches, + And get ze Hel-igoland! Now he quite happy. + I do ze same. _Pom! Pom!_ Zat blast vos thunder! + How he do tear his hair and tvist his features. + He svear, but he vill vat you call "knock under." + + _Mr. Bull_. I say, you Portugee, smallest of creatures, + And noisiest for your size, shut up, and hook it! + + _Hurdy-gurdy_. _Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ Zey say zat ze old fool is + skveezable, + Melting in his own heat. Py gar, he _look_ it. + Ze Teuton yonder find zat he vas teaseable + Out of ze "tip," ze big _pour-boire_. He got him, + He go, he grin! Sall I not take ze hint too? + I get him too--_I_ go. But I no let him + Drive me away, as he did SERPA PINTO. + _Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ I see zat he no like ze grinding. + Soo mooch ze bettare! He sall give mooch money; + Ze _pour-boire_, someveres, he sall soon be finding, + If I keep on. Zeese Eenglish are so funny. + + _Tutto_. Ze money for ze Minstrels! Kvick! So sall you + Get rid of us. Like to ze artful gloser + In Mistare SEYMOUR'S sketch, _ve_ "know ze value + Of peace and kvie'ness." Pay us, ve go, Sir! [_Left tootling._ + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN PROPHET._) + +Am I going to Goodwood? I answer that question by another. Is it +likely that a race-meeting of any pretensions can possibly do without +one whom even his enemies acknowledge to be the only accurate and +high-minded sporting writer in the world? Those who care (and I +devoutly hope that Mr. J., whose brains equal those of a newly-born +tadpole, will not be amongst the number) can see me at any moment on +pronouncing the password, "mealy-mouth," in my old place, _close to +the space devoted to Royalty._ Yes, I shall be there. In the meantime, +I propose to treat of the horses as only I can treat of them. I have +nothing to say against _Pioneer_, except that the name promises very +well for one who means to lead the way. _Nous verrons_, as RACINE +said, on a celebrated occasion. As for _The Imp_, I cannot too +strongly lay it down that only blue devils are bad for the digestion, +and _Galloping Queen_ may gallop farther than or not so far as _Miss +Ethel_. A miss must be better than a mile to win. If _Theophilus_ were +_Formidable_, or if _Imogene_ possessed a _Grecian Bend_, it might be +necessary to sound _Reveille_ in _Rotten Row_, which would certainly +be a _Marvel_. Not being a roadster, I sometimes like _The Field_. + +The above information ought to be sufficient to guide anybody whose +brains are calculated to fill an egg-cup. All others may go to +Earlswood, where they will probably meet Mr. J. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUR TURN NOW!" + +FRANCE AND PORTUGAL (_who know the value of Peace and Quiet_). "YOU +GIVE GERMAN SOMESING,--HE GO VAY! YOU GIVE _US_ SOMESING,--_VE_ GO +VAY!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_BEFORE_ MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.) + +_AN ANGLO-INDIAN GENTLEMAN INTRODUCED._ + +[Illustration] + +_The Commissioner_. Well, Sir, What can I do for you? + +_Anglo-Indian_. I wish respectfully to call your attention, Sir, +to our case, which is now before a Parliamentary Committee. I am +an Indian Civil Servant. I am called a member of the Uncovenanted +Service, but I contend that such a term is a misnomer. Originally the +Uncovenanted Service consisted of Natives of India, who were employed, +without covenant, to do subordinate official work, under the direction +of the Covenanted Civil Service. The bulk of these persons were +overseers and tax-collectors. + +_The Com._ Has there been any alteration of late years? I see you lay +a stress upon _originally_. + +_Anglo-In._ At this moment there are in the Service, in one department +alone--the Educational--a Senior Classic, a Second Wrangler, several +other Wranglers, and many Fellows of Oxford and Cambridge, who took +high honours with their degrees. The Service now requires great +technical knowledge, as it has to deal with Archæology, Finance, +Geological Survey, Public Works, and Telegraphy, and can only be +entered by Europeans, who have been selected by nomination, or after +competition, either by the Secretary of State for India, or the +Government of India. It is not an Uncovenanted Service, as we now +enter it with the prospect of pension; and one of our grievances +is, that that prospect has become less favourable through the recent +action of our employers. + +_The Com._ Be kind enough to explain. + +_Anglo-In._ Certainly, Sir. When we entered the Service our pension, +after serving thirty years, was stated by the Secretary of State to +be £500. Naturally this was taken to mean gold, but because years ago +the Service consisted of Natives, the Government hit upon the plan of +paying us in silver, which at the present rate means a loss of £150 in +the £500. + +_The Com._ Are the members of the other Indian Services, Civil and +Military, treated in like manner? + +_Anglo-In._ No, they are paid their pensions in gold. + +_The Com._ Well, considering the class of men who now enter your +Service I do not see why you should be put at so great a disadvantage. +Have you any other grievances? + +_Anglo-In._ Well, thirty years is a long time to have to serve in a +climate as trying as the tropics, especially when we are not allowed +to count furlough as service. + +_The Com._ I think so, too. Then I may sum up your grievances thus. +You are educated men, and therefore deserve fair treatment. You +would consider fair treatment, payment of pensions in gold, and the +lessening of the years of service necessary to earn the right of +retirement? + +_Anglo-In._ Exactly, Sir; and I cannot thank you sufficiently for +putting our case so plainly. + +_The Com._ Not at all. Should you receive no redress within a +reasonable time, you may mention the matter to me again. + + [_The Witness with a grateful bow then withdrew_. + + * * * * * + +THE SHADOW OF A CASE! + +(_TO THE EDITOR OF PUNCH._) + +DEAR SIR,--As the leading forensic journal of this great country (your +contemporary _Weekly Notes_ runs you pretty close occasionally in some +of its reports), I address you. It was my painful duty a few days ago +(I had to "take a note" for a colleague, an occupation more honourable +than lucrative), to be present at a cause that was heard before the +President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High +Court of Justice and a Special Jury. The trial created considerable +interest, not only amongst the general public, but amongst that branch +of our honourable Profession represented by the Junior Bar, no doubt, +because certain points of law, not easily recognisable--I frankly +confess, I myself, am unable to recount them--were no doubt in +question, and had to be decided by competent authority. The Counsel +directly engaged were some of the brightest ornaments of Silk and +Stuff. Amongst the rest were my eloquent and learned friend, Sir +CHARLES RUSSELL, my erudite and learned friend Mr. INDERWICK (whose +_Side-lights upon the Stuarts_, is a marvel of antiquarian research), +and my mirth-compelling and learned friend Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, +whose law is only equalled (if, indeed, it is equalled) by his comic +draughtmanship. As the details of the trial have been fully reported, +there is no necessity to go into particulars. However, there was a +feature in the case that the passing notice of an article in one or +more of the leading journals is scarcely sufficient to meet. + +It was proved that the detective part of divorce (if I may use the +expression) may be conducted in a fashion, to say the least, of not +the most entirely satisfactory character. A talented family were +called before us, whose performances were, from one point of view, +extremely amusing. But, Sir, although (as you will be the first to +admit) laughter is a most excellent thing in its proper place, the +sound of cachinnation is seldom pleasing in the Divorce Court. Under +these circumstances I would propose that, in future, Divorce Shadowing +should be put under the protection of the State. There should be a +special department, and the Shadowers should be of the distinguished +position of Mr. MCDOUGALL of the London County Council, and the like. +The office of the rank and file of the Shadowers should be honorary, +as the pleasure of following in (possibly) unsavoury steps in the +cause of virtue, would be to them, I presume, ample reward for any +trouble the labour might entail. I would willingly myself undertake +the responsibilities attaching to the post of Director-General, of +course on the understanding that a suitable provision were made, not +only as compensation for the loss of my practice, but also that I +might perform the duties of the office with suitable dignity. But when +I say this, I would add, that I should reserve to myself the right of +seeking the supplementary services of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, +and Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, as assessors in assisting me to +distinguish between innocence and vice, and guilt and virtue. + +Believe me, with an expression of all necessary respect for "the +Nobility" connected with the case to which I have referred, and +admiration for the courage of a certain Militiaman, exhibited by his +entering the witness-box, and there facing the cross-examination he so +richly deserved, I remain, Yours truly, + +(_Signed_) A BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + +_Pump-handle Court, July 29, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Poet and Prophet are nearly allied. Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN is an +illustration of this, in his recently published _English Lyrics_ +(MACMILLAN) all of which he must have written in utter ignorance +of the doings of the Chairman of the County Council. Yet, hath the +Prophetic Poet these lines:-- + + "Primrose, why do you pass away?" + +And the Primrose's return: + + "Nay, rather, why should we longer stay?" + +But the Conservative bias of the Poet is shown in the next line: + + "_We_ are not needed," &c. + +The commencement of the poem, however, as here quoted, is evidently an +inspiration for which the Poet was not responsible. It is a charming +little volume of charming verse. It is good poetic wine, which +needs not the bush provided by Mr. WILLIAM WATSON in the shape of a +thickset introduction. What, asks W.W., is the attitude of ALFRED +AUSTIN towards Nature? This recalls a well-known scene in _Nicholas +Nickleby_--"She's a rum 'un, is Natur'," said _Mr. Squeers_. "She +is a holy thing, Sir," remarked _Mr. Snawley_. "Natur'," said _Mr. +Squeers_, solemnly, "is more easier conceived than described. Oh, +what a blessed thing, Sir, to be in a state of natur'!" And these +observations of Messrs. _Snawley_ and _Squeers_ pretty accurately sum +up all that the ingenious WILLIAM WATSON has to say about Natur' and +ALFRED AUSTIN. The moral of which lies in the application of it, which +is,--skip the preface, and make plunge into the poetry. + +A good deal has been written in olden time and of late about the +Oberammergau Passion Play. Nothing has been better done than the +work by Mr. EDWARD R. RUSSELL, formerly M.P. for Glasgae, who visited +Oberammergau this year. His account is instinct with keen criticism, +fine feeling, and reasoning reverence. Moreover, whilst other works +are padded out into bulky volumes, he says all that need be said in +fifteen pages of a pleasantly-printed booklet--price sixpence. It is +a reprint from letters which the errant Editor contributed to his +journal, the _Liverpool Daily Post_, at the sign of which copies may +be had. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +Art's Friends and Foe! + + TATE, WALLACE, AGNEW! Here be three good names, + Friends of true Art, and furtherers of her aims; + Munificence but waits to take sound shape; + Say, shall it be frustrated by--Red Tape? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BUZZY TIME FOR THE MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE. + +{Persons interested should secure the Government paper containing +all the information in regard to the Hessian Fly, and other injurious +insects and fungi.}] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE CHURCH-GOING BELL." + +SUNDAY MORNING, COAST OF NORWAY. + +(_By Our Yotting Artist._)] + + * * * * * + +JOHNNY, MAKE ROOM FOR DELONCLE! + +(_NEW NORTH AFRICAN VERSION OF AN OLD SONG._) + + "M. DELONCLE, in his conversation with a Belgian reporter, + puts in a claim for practically the whole of the northern + half of Africa, with the possible exception of Egypt."--_The + Times_. + + AIR--"_Tommy, make room for your Uncle_." + + _Deputy_ DELONCLE (_addressing_ JOHNNY BULL) _sings_:-- + + Nothing but deserts now left for France! + Hang it! That _will_ not do! + Therefore DELONCLE her claims must advance, + Mighty they are, nor few. + Right from Oubanghi unto Lake Tchad, + Through Wadai and Ba-gir-mi! + JOHNNY, my lad, I shall be glad + If you'll make room for ME! + + _Chorus_. + + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE, + There's a little dear! + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE, + He wants to stay here. + He needs the whole of North Africa! + (The rest he may leave to you), + Do not annoy, there's a good boy! + Make room for DELONCLE, do! + + To So-ko-to and the Gan-do, + Your claims you must resign. + If France goes far from Zanzibar, + _I_'ll draw a new boundary line. + To the east of the Niger by latitude ten! + That is our mi-ni-_mum_! + Ours the Sahara! Yes, _che sarà sarà !_ + Therefore don't _you_ look glum! + + _Chorus_. + + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE! + The Niger is ours, that's clear. + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE! + He doesn't want _you_ here. + France must take up her traditional _rôle_ + (Of grabbing all she _can_ do) + So, JOHNNY, my boy, don't you annoy; + Make room for DELONCLE, _do_! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM + +THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 21.--RITCHIE got another Bill +through; not a measure of high imperial policy; nothing to do either +with Heligoland or Zanzibar; only proposes to improve in various +ways the dwellings of the industrial classes. Still, as JOKIM has +shown in connection with one or two of his little Bills, it is +quite possible nearly to wreck a Ministry even on matter-of-fact +business arrangements. But RITCHIE isn't JOKIM, and so his Bill +passes to-night, taking two steps at a time, both sides uniting in +congratulation and cheers. WALTER FOSTER, rising, salutes the Minister +with a quite touching bless-you-my-child attitude. FOSTER rather +hints that the Bill everyone is so pleased with, is really his. True, +RITCHIE'S name is on back, and he took charge of it in its passage +through Committee and House. But the real man was FOSTER; his +Amendments had made the Bill; he had moulded it in Committee, and now +here he was to give it his blessing. Rather delicate position; sort of +cracking up himself, which FOSTER would not do for the world; blushed +a little, as he praised the Bill; otherwise accomplished his task with +ease and grace, whilst RITCHIE, listening, twitched his eyebrows, and +thought unutterable things. + +"I wish," said OLD MORALITY, "we had an embarrassment of RITCHIES, or +even two or three more like him." + +OLD MORALITY been rather worried to-night; a hail-storm of questions +on all sorts of subjects; amongst others, TIM HEALY and WILFRID +LAWSON badgering him about the Local Taxation Bill. When is it really +intended to take it? LAWSON asks OLD MORALITY back at the table again +for twentieth time; literally gasping for breath; looked round House +with anguished expression; then happy thought strikes him; "Mr. +SPEAKER, Sir," he says, "it is really impossible to do more than one +thing at a time." + +The pathetic earnestness with which this axiom was advanced, the +sudden swift spasm of conviction that had flashed it across his mind, +his certainty of the soundness of the assertion (paradoxical though +it might appear), and his hasty, anxious glance below the Gangway +opposite, apprehensive that that quarter would peradventure furnish +a person capable of controverting it, all filled the House with keen +delight. Laughed for full sixty seconds by Westminster clock; OLD +MORALITY standing at table looking round and wondering what on earth +he'd said now. + +_Business done._--Census Bills read Second Time. + +_Tuesday_.--Pretty quiet sitting, till DIMSDALE craftily crept upon +the scene. Don't often hear from this distinguished member of the +Order of Noble Barons; generally content to serve his country by +voting for the Government. To-night stirred in sluggish depths +by omission of Government in preparing Census Bill to provide for +Religious Census; so the Noble Baron moves Amendment designed to +authorise Religious Census. Opposition Benches nearly empty; those +present listen listlessly; know it's all right; Government are pledged +against Religious Census; no harm in the Noble Baron moving his +Amendment and making his speech; the Bill as introduced is safe. + +[Illustration: Another Noble Baron.] + +Then up gets RITCHIE; drops remark, in off-hand manner, as if it did +not signify, that Members on Ministerial side are free to vote as they +please. Sudden change of attitude in Opposition Benches. Listlessness +vanishes; a whisper of treachery goes round; CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN makes +hot protest; HARCOURT sent for; comes in gleefully; matters been going +so quietly, place unbearable for him; now a row imminent, HARCOURT +joyously returns to Front Bench. Seats fill up on both sides; OLD +MORALITY hurries in; situation explained to him; dolefully shakes his +head; HARCOURT thunders denunciation of a Ministry that plays fast +and loose with House; then OLD MORALITY gets up, and publicly abjures +DIMSDALE and his Amendment. It was, he explained, only RITCHIE'S fun +in saying Ministerialists were free to vote as they pleased on this +matter. The Government were against the Amendment, and of course good +Ministerialists would vote with Ministers. So they did, and DIMSDALE'S +rising hopes crushed by majority of 288 against 69. + +_Business done._--English Census Bill passed through Committee. + +_Wednesday_.--Came across NICHOLAS WOOD in remote corner of Corridor; +had the depressed look familiar when he has been wrestling with great +mental problems and finds himself worsted. + +"What's the matter now, NICHOLAS? Thinking over what OLD MORALITY said +yesterday about impossibility of doing more than one thing at a time?" + +"No, TOBY," he said, wearily; "it's not that; gave that up at once. +OLD MORALITY's a good fellow, but he's too subtle for me. It's this +Police Question that bothers me; give up a good deal of time to +mastering it. Sort of thing seemed likely to suit me; heard all +MATTHEWS' speeches; tried to follow CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM; courted +CONYBEARE'S company, and pursued PICKERSGILL with inquiries. Thought +I'd got a pretty clear notion of what it all meant; and now it turns +out all to have led up to making PULESTON Constable of Carnarvon. +Never heard his name before in connection with the Police Question. +He took no part in discussions; had nothing to do with it I ever heard +of; just when I was comfortably getting on another tack, the whole +question centres on PULESTON. It seems _he_ was the Police Question, +and now he's Constable of Carnarvon. Why Carnarvon? Why not stationed +in the Lobby or the Central Hall where he would be with old friends? +Suppose he'll wear a blue coat, bright buttons, and a belt, and will +shadow LOYD-GEORGE who now sits for Carnarvon? If you write to him +must you address your letters "P.C. PULESTON"? and shall we have to +change refrain of our latest National Hymn? instead of singing '_Ask +a Policeman?_' shall we have to chant 'Ask a PULESTON?' These are the +new problems; suddenly rushed in, bothering me to death when I thought +I'd got pretty well through Session, Recess close at hand and no +more difficult points coming up. Don't think, TOBY, I was cut out for +politics; perhaps I take them too seriously; but like to know things, +and there are so many things to know." + +Try to cheer up NICHOLAS; suggest to him that he should put his +questions down on the paper; might address them to FERGUSON; a +little out of the way of Foreign Affairs; but a conversation publicly +conducted between NICHOLAS and FERGUSON would be interesting. + +_Business done._--Votes in Supply. + +_Friday_.--House in rather strange condition to-night; things all +sevens and sixes; Motion is that Anglo-German Agreement Bill be read +Second Time. Opinion very mixed on merits of measure; on the whole, +no particular objection to it, even though with it goes Heligoland. +Still, an Opposition must oppose; but where is the Opposition? Mr. G. +came down last night; said he'd no particular objection to Treaty, but +didn't like the process of confirming it; so publicly washed his hands +of the business. Since the announcement appeared in papers, HERBERT +tells me his illustrious father's life has been a burden to him. Every +post brings him letters from rival advertising soap manufacturers, +making overtures of business transactions. + +"Sir," runs one of these epistles, "alluding to your statement in the +House of Commons last night that you publicly washed your hands of +participation in the Anglo-German Treaty, would you have any objection +to our stating that the substance used was our celebrated Salubrious +Savon? Anticipating your favourable reply, we assume that you would +have no objection to our publishing a portrait of you using our soap, +with its familiar label, 'Does not wash collars.' We have only to add +that in the event of your favourably accepting this suggestion, we +shall esteem it a favour to be allowed to gratuitously supply you and +your family with specimens of our art for the term of your natural +lives." + +[Illustration: The British Constitution.] + +This is merely an incident in the struggle, illustrating one of the +embarrassments it has evolved. Only man thoroughly happy is HARCOURT. +He invented the line of attack on ground of breach of constitutional +usages; put up Mr. G. to make his speech; supplied him with +authorities, and in supplementary speech amazed House with his +erudition. Made stupendous speech last night; literally gorged the +House; to-night picks up fragments and provides another feast: six +baskets wouldn't hold it. + +"Wish, TOBY, dear boy," he said, sinking back in his seat after +delivering his second speech, cunningly grafted on an Amendment, "we +could carry this over next week. I could easily make a speech a day. +Remember when I was once in Ireland, asked a tenant how he liked the +new agent, who was reputed to be very able business man. 'Well,' +said my acquaintance, 'I don't know about his business daylings, but +for blasphaymious language, he's _au revoir_.' On constitutional +questions, TOBY, I may, with all modesty, say I'm _au revoir_." + +_Business done._--Anglo-German Treaty agreed to. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. + +"_She is never at a loss for a clever answer;_" i.e., "A cat whose +claws are always out." + +"_A little stand-offish to strangers, but wonderfully winning when one +really knows him;_" i.e., "Which one need never do, thank goodness!" + +LEGAL. + +"_As your Lordship pleases;_" i.e., "As a Judge, you are a stupid, +self-sufficient dolt; but so long as my client, the solicitor, gets +his costs, it doesn't matter a jot to me or him _what_ you decide!" + +"_With your Lordship's permission, my Junior will settle the +minutes;_" i.e., "And so save us both the trouble of apportioning, in +the customary perfunctory fashion, the oyster to the solicitors, and +the shells to the clients." + +IN THE SMOKING-ROOM. + +"_You don't mind my telling you exactly where I think you're wrong?_" +i.e., "You obviously want setting down, and I may as well do it." + +"_Do you mind just stating that over again?_" i.e., "While I think of +something to say in reply." + +"_Of course you know more about the subject than I do;_" i.e., "I am +pretty sure you never gave it a thought till this minute." + +"_If you care for my candid opinion;_" i.e., "I am now about to be +annoying, and perhaps rude." + +"_All right, I'm not deaf!_" i.e., "Keep your confounded temper." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99., August 2, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12323 *** diff --git a/12323-h/12323-h.htm b/12323-h/12323-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e89a379 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/12323-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2170 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, August 2, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12323 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 2, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" + id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/49-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A "SCENE" IN THE HIGHLANDS.</h3><i>Ill-used Husband</i> + (<i>under the Bed</i>). "AYE! YE MAY CRACK ME, AND YE MAY + THRASH ME, BUT YE CANNA BREAK MY MANLY SPERRIT. I'LL NA + COME OOT!!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PUNCH TO THE SECOND BATTALION.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"—JUVENAL.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You're off, boys, to Bermuda</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Like</i> "the Bermoothes," + "vexed").</p> + + <p>The Guards rebel? <i>Proh pudor!</i></p> + + <p class="i2">What next—and next—and + next?</p> + + <p>Who'll guard the Guards, if they guard not</p> + + <p>The fame they should revere?</p> + + <p>Fie on the row, row, row, row,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the British Grenadier!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your <i>Punch</i> is sorry for you,</p> + + <p class="i2">And for these lads "in quod;"</p> + + <p>But Discipline's a parent</p> + + <p class="i2">That <i>must</i> not spare the rod.</p> + + <p>May you right soon redeem your name,</p> + + <p class="i2">And no more may <i>Punch</i> hear</p> + + <p>Of the row, row, row, row, row, row,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the British Grenadier!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>If</i> you have been o'er-worried</p> + + <p class="i2">By ultra-Martinet;</p> + + <p>Into unwisdom hurried,</p> + + <p class="i2">Be sure Bull won't forget.</p> + + <p>But England's Redcoats must <i>not</i> ape</p> + + <p class="i2">The Hyde Park howl, that's clear;</p> + + <p>So no more row, row, row, row,</p> + + <p class="i2">From the British Grenadier!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT'S AMERICAN ACQUAINTANCE.</h2> + + <p>My akwaintance among eminent selebraties seems to be rapidly + encreasing. Within what <i>Amlet</i> calls a week, a little + week, after my larst intervue with the emenent young Swell as + amost lost his art to the pretty Bridesmade, I have been onored + with the most cordial notice of a werry emenent Amerrycane, who + cums to Lundon wunce ewery year, and makes a good long stay, + and allus cums to one or other of our Grand Otels. He says he's + taken quite a fansy to me, and for this most singler reason. He + says as I'm the ony Englishman as he has ewer known who can + allus giv a answer rite off to ewery question as he arsks me! + So much so, that he says as how as I ort to be apinted the + Guide, Feelosofer, and Frend of ewery one of the many Wisiters + as we allus has a staying here!</p> + + <p>Well, all I can say is, that if I affords the heminent + Amerrycane jest about harf the fun and emusement as he does me, + I must be a much cleverer feller than I ewer thort myself, or + than my better harf ewer told me as I was. Ah, wouldn't he jest + make her stare a bit if she herd sum of his most owdacious + sayings. Why, he acshally says, that the hole system of + marrying for life is all a mistake, and not consistent with our + changable nature! And that we ort to take our Wives on lease, + as we does our houses, wiz., for sewen or fourteen years, and + that in a great majority of cases they woud both be preshus + glad when the end of the lease came! And he tries werry hard to + make me bleeve, tho in course he doesn't succeed, that in one + part of his grate and staggering Country, ewerybody does jest + as he likes in these rayther himportant matters, and has jest + as many Wives as he can afford to keep, and that the King of + that place has about a dozen of 'em! Ah, if you wants to hear a + reel downright staggerer as nobody carnt posserbly bleeve, + don't "ask the Pleaceman," but arsk an Amerrycane!</p> + + <p>He wanted werry much to go to Brighton, and see our new + Grand Metropole Otel opened last Satterday; so I spoke to our + most gentlemanly Manager, and he gave him a ticket that took + him down first-class, and brort him back, and took him into the + Otel, and supplied him with heverythink as art coud wish for, + or supply, and as much Shampane as he could posserbly + drink—and, when there ain't nothink to pay for it, it's + reelly estonishing what a quantity a gennelman can dispose + of—; and the way in which he afterwards told me as he + showed his grattitude for what he called a reel first-class + heavening's enjoyment was, to engage a delicious little sweet + of apartments for a fortnite, so we shall see him no more for + that length of time. He told me as he had seen all the great + Otels of Urope and Amerrykey, but he was obligated to confess, + in his own emphatic langwidge, that the Brighton Metropole + "licked all creation!" I didn't quite understand him, but I've + no doubt it was intended as rayther complimentary. He rayther + staggered me by asking what it cost, but I was reddy with my + anser, and boldly said, jest exacly a quarter of a million.</p> + + <p>He told me that, in his own grand country, he was ginerally + regarded as a werry truthful man, which, of course, I was + pleased to hear, for sum of his statements was that staggering + as wood have made me dowt it in a feller-countryman. For + hinstance, he acshally tried to make me bleeve that his Country + is about 20 times as big as ours! Well, in course, common + politeness made me pretend to bleeve him, speshally as he's + remarkable liberal to me, as most of his countrymen is, but I + coudn't help thinking as it woud have been wiser of him if he + had made his werry long Bow jest a leetle shorter. He's a + remarkabel fine-looking gennelman, and his manners quite comes + up to my description. ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A LYRIC FOR LOWESTOFT.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mr. HENRY IRVING is studying for his new piece at + Lowestoft.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/49-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Henry Irving, will the Master feel the fierce and + bracing breeze,</p> + + <p>As you wander by the margin of the restless Eastern + seas?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Save the seagull slowly swirling none shall hear the + tale of woe,</p> + + <p>Learn how dark the life that ended in the fatal + "Kelpie's Flow."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Mid the murmur of the ocean you will tell how + <i>Edgar</i> felt</p> + + <p>When his <i>Lucy</i> broke her troth-plight, and he + flung down <i>Craigengelt</i>,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fitting place for actor's study, all that long and + lonely shore;</p> + + <p>Yonder point methinks as Wolf's Crag should be known + for evermore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Henceforth will the place be haunted when the + midnight hour draws nigh:</p> + + <p>Men shall see the Master standing stern against the + stormy sky.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Faint, impalpable as shadow from the cloudland, + <i>Lucy</i> there</p> + + <p>Shall keep tryst; the moon's effulgence not more + golden than her hair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And, in coming nights of Autumn, when the vast + Lyceum rings</p> + + <p>With reverberating plaudits, and the town thy + praises sings,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Memories of the sands at Lowestoft shall be with you + ere you sleep;</p> + + <p>In your ears once more shall echo diapason of the + deep.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" + id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>A DREAM OF UNFAIRLY-TREATED WOMEN.</h2>(<i>A Long Way + After the Laureate.</i>) + <a href="images/50.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/50.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I read, before my eyelids dropt their shade,</p> + + <p class="i2">A leader on weak women and their woe,</p> + + <p>In toil and industry, in art and trade,</p> + + <p class="i2">In this hard world below.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And for awhile the thought of the sad part</p> + + <p class="i2">Played by them and of Fate's ill-balanced + scales,</p> + + <p>Moistened mine eyelids, and made ache mine + heart,</p> + + <p class="i2">Remembering these strange tales</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of woman's miseries in every land,</p> + + <p class="i2">I saw wherever poverty draws breath</p> + + <p>Woman and anguish walking hand in hand,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dreary road to death.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those pallid sempstresses of HOOD'S great song</p> + + <p class="i2">Peopled the hollow dark, not now + alone,</p> + + <p>And I heard sounds of insult, shame, and wrong,</p> + + <p class="i2">And grief's sad monotone,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From hearts, like flints, beaten by tyrant + hoofs;</p> + + <p class="i2">And I saw crowds in sombre + sweating-dens,</p> + + <p>With reeking walls and dank and dripping + roofs—</p> + + <p class="i2">Fit scarce for styes or pens.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Death at home's sin-stained threshold; honour's + fall</p> + + <p class="i2">Dislodging from her throne love's + household pet,</p> + + <p>And wan-faced purity a tyrant's thrall,</p> + + <p class="i2">With wild eyes sorrow-wet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And unsexed women facing heated blasts</p> + + <p class="i2">And Tophet fumes, and fluttering tongues + of fire;</p> + + <p>And virtue staked on most unholy casts,</p> + + <p class="i2">And honour sold for hire:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Squadrons and troops of girls of brazen air,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tramping the tainted city to and fro,</p> + + <p>With feverish flauntings veiling chill despair</p> + + <p class="i2">And deeply-centred woe.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So shape chased shape. I saw a neat-garbed + nurse,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wan with excessive work; and, bowed with + toil,</p> + + <p>A shop-girl sickly, of the primal curse</p> + + <p class="i2">Each looked the helpless spoil.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Anon I saw a lady, at night's fall</p> + + <p class="i2">Stiller than chiseled marble, standing + there;</p> + + <p>A daughter of compassion, slender, tall,</p> + + <p class="i2">And delicately fair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her weariness with shame and with surprise</p> + + <p class="i2">My spirit shocked: she turning on my + face</p> + + <p>The heavy glances of unrested eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Spoke mildly in her place.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I have long duties; ask thou not my name</p> + + <p class="i2">Some say I fret at a fair destiny.</p> + + <p>Many I have to tend; to make my claim</p> + + <p class="i2">Some venture: we shall see."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I trust, good lady, that in a fair field,</p> + + <p class="i2">The case 'twixt you and tyranny will be + tried,"</p> + + <p>I said; then turning promptly I appealed</p> + + <p class="i2">To one who stood beside.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She said, "Poor pay, and plenteous fines, and + worse,</p> + + <p class="i2">Made me rebel amidst my mates' + applause.</p> + + <p>To insubordination I'm averse,</p> + + <p class="i2">But have I not good cause?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"We are cut off from hope in our hard place,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sweet factory? Ah, well, <i>our</i> + sweets are few.</p> + + <p>We strike for justice. Man might show some + grace,</p> + + <p class="i2">I think, Sir; do not you?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Turning I saw, ranging a flowery pile,</p> + + <p class="i2">One sitting in an entry dark and + cold;</p> + + <p>A girl with hectic cheeks, and hollow smile;</p> + + <p class="i2">Wired roses there she sold,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or strove to sell; but often on her ear</p> + + <p class="i2">The harrying voice of stern policedom + struck,</p> + + <p>And chased her from her vantage, till a tear</p> + + <p class="i2">Fell at her "wretched luck."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Again I saw a wan domestic drudge</p> + + <p class="i2">Scuttering across a smug suburban + lawn;</p> + + <p>Tired with the nightly watch, the morning + trudge,</p> + + <p class="i2">The toil at early dawn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then a frail and thin-clad governess,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hurrying to daily misery through the + rain.</p> + + <p>Toiling, with scanty food, and scanty dress,</p> + + <p class="i2">Long hours for little gain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Anon a spectral shop-girl creeping back</p> + + <p class="i2">To her dull garret-home through the chill + night,</p> + + <p>Bowed, heart-sick, spirit-crushed, poor ill-paid + hack</p> + + <p class="i2">Of harsh commercial might!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These I beheld, the world's sad woman-throng,</p> + + <p class="i2">Work-ridden vassals of its + Mammon-god,</p> + + <p>Their destiny to creep and drudge along,</p> + + <p class="i2">And kiss grief's chastening rod.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then I saw a spirit surface-fair,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Mænad-masked betrayer, base, + impure,</p> + + <p>But with sin's glittering garb, and radiant air,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gay laugh, and golden lure.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It smiled, it beckoned—whither? To the + abyss!</p> + + <p class="i2">But of that throng how many may be + drawn</p> + + <p>By the gay glamour and the siren kiss</p> + + <p class="i2">To where sin's soul-gulfs yawn?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How many? No response my vision gave.</p> + + <p class="i2">Make answer, if ye may, ye lords of + gain!</p> + + <p>Make answer, if ye know, ye chiders grave</p> + + <p class="i2">Of late revolt, and vain!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dream of <i>Fair</i> Women? Nay, for work and + want</p> + + <p class="i2">Mar maiden comeliness and matron + grace.</p> + + <p>Let sober judgment, clear of gush and cant,</p> + + <p class="i2">The bitter problem face!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ERIN AVENGED.—The Irish champions, HAMILTON, PIM, and + STOKER, have won the "All-England" (it <i>should</i> be + All-Irish) Tennis Championship, both Single and Double, beating + the hitherto invincible Brothers RENSHAW, and other lesser + Lights of the Lawn. And now at Bisley the Irish Team have, for + the third time in succession, won the Elcho Challenge Shield. + The old caveat will have to be changed into "No + <i>non</i>-Irish need apply!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUITE THE NEWEST SONGS.—"<i>Over the Sparkling + Serpentine</i>." By the author and composer of "<i>Across the + Still Lagoon</i>." "<i>Five Men in a Cab</i>." By the ditto + ditto of "<i>Three Men in a Boat</i>;" "<i>Hates Copper + Nightmare</i>" to follow "<i>Love's Golden Dream</i>;" and the + "<i>General's Dustpan</i>;" also, shortly; a companion song to + the popular "<i>Admiral's Broom</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"A GATHERING OF THE CLAN."—According to + <i>Debrett</i>, the Earl of CLANCARTY (by the way, the Patent + of Nobility granted to this family in 1793, is consequently not + a hundred years old) bears on his arms "A Sun in splendour." + The authority is too good to imagine for a moment that this can + be a misprint!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" + id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Colney Hatch Hussars' Annual private + Introspection. Balloon rises at Chelsea. Sets to partners after + midnight.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Beadle of Burlington Arcade's Copper + Wedding Festivities commence. Kangaroo Shooting in Fleet Street + begins.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—<i>Mr. Punch</i> up and out with the + lark. Afternoon Fireworks on the Stock Exchange. + Hippopotamus-washing in the Serpentine commences.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Billiard Championship contest in the + Pool below London Bridge. Cannons supplied by the Tower. + Anniversary Festivity to celebrate the Discovery of cheap + Ginger Beer by the Chinese B.C. 3700.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Opening of the "Wash and Brush you up" + Company's Automatic Machine, by Prince HENRY of BATTENBERG. + Total Eclipse of the Moon, invisible at Herne Bay and + Pekin.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Tinned Oyster Season commences. Fancy + Dress Ball at Bedlam. Close time for Hyænas in Belgrave + Square.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Austrian Inventor, who has just designed his ship of a + mile in length that is to travel through the water at + eighty-seven miles an hour, and cross the Atlantic in something + under a day and a half, is, I am told, only waiting the + requisite capital to enable him at once to set about carrying + his project into effect. Each vessel will be provided with an + Opera House a Cathedral, including a Bishop, who will be one of + the ship's salaried officers; a Circus, Cricket-ground, + Cemetery, Race-course, Gambling-saloon, and a couple of lines + of Electric Tram-cars. The total charge for board and transit + will be only 10<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a day, which will bring the + fare to New York to something like 16<i>s.</i> As it is + calculated that at least 100,000 passengers will cross the + Atlantic on each journey, the financial aspect of the whole + concern seems sound. As I said before, the only difficulty is + the capital. Surely some enterprising Croesus who has thirty + millions lying idle in the Two-and-a-half per Cents, might look + at the matter.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"A SPORTING TIPSTER" writes:—"Perhaps you are not + aware that <i>the</i> feature of next Season's Foot-ball will + be the arrival of a strong team of the Kajawee Cannibal + Islanders, a ferocious race, who have been instructed in the + game by a celebrated Midland half-back. As in practice they + invariably, instead of a foot-ball, use a fresh human head, and + in a scrimmage leave half their number dead on the field, by + having recourse to the 'Kogo' or 'Spine Splitting Stroke,' + introduced from a local athletic game, some excitement will no + doubt be manifested in sporting circles when they meet the + Clapham Rovers, as, I believe, it is arranged they shall do at + the Oval, early in November next."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Hats of the style of the earliest portion of the Saxon + Heptarchy will <i>not</i>, after all, be seen in the Row during + this Season, though several male leaders of fashion are stated + to have given orders for them on an approved model.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/51.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A WASTED EPIGRAM.</h3> + + <p>"WHERE IS THE EVENING <i>GAZETTE</i>, WAITER?'</p> + + <p>"PLEASE, SIR, IT'S NOT YET <i>SEWN</i>."</p> + + <p>"<i>SOWN</i>, SIR! IT OUGHT TO HAVE <i>COME UP</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MINE AND THINE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[In a recent case, a promoter of Gold Mining Companies + was asked if any of his Companies had ever paid a penny of + dividend. His answer was, "You cannot know much about gold + mines to ask such a question." He admitted, however, that + he himself had made some £50 000 out of them. "This," + he said, "is not profit; it is the realisation of + property."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Take a patch of land in Africa and multiply by + ten,</p> + + <p class="i2">Then extract a ton of metal from an ounce + or two of sand;</p> + + <p>Write a roseate prospectus with a magnifying + pen,</p> + + <p class="i2">Making deserts flow with honey in a rich + and smiling land.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Take some crumbs of truth, and spread them with a + covering of bosh,</p> + + <p class="i2">And conceal them in a pie-crust labelled + "Promises to pay";</p> + + <p>Hide away all dirty linen, or remove it home to + wash,</p> + + <p class="i2">And then begin the process which the wise + ones call "Convey."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Next collect a band of brothers, all inspired by one + desire.</p> + + <p class="i2">To subserve the public interest, + single-hearted men and true;</p> + + <p>Stuff with shares, and thus permit them in your + kindness to acquire,</p> + + <p class="i2">At a price, the vendor's + property,—the vendor being you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then, since <i>you</i> must make a profit, call the + public to your aid;</p> + + <p class="i2">Let them give you all their money, which + they think they only lend:</p> + + <p>And of course you mustn't tell them, till the fools + have safely paid,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mines were made for sinking money, not + for raising dividend.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the clergy bring their savings, the widows bring + their store,</p> + + <p class="i2">And they push to reach your presence, and + they jostle and they fall,</p> + + <p>And at last they pile their money in a heap before + your door;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, just to make them happy, you accept + and keep it all.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So you make your mine by begging—(modern + miners never dig),—</p> + + <p class="i2">And you float a gorgeous Company. The + shares go spinning up;</p> + + <p>But you never "rig the market." (What an awkward + word is "rig"!)</p> + + <p class="i2">And you drain success in bumpers from an + overflowing cup.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then one day the thing gets shaky, and it goes from + bad to worse,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the public grasps a shadow where it + tried to hold a share;</p> + + <p>And in vain the country clergy most unclerically + curse,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>You</i> have "realised your property," + and end a millionnaire.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>COMING SEA-SCRAPES AT CHELSEA.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Drawn by an Insider.</i>)</h4> + + <p>MR. PUNCH, SIR,</p> + + <p>That the sister Service should also have its turn at Chelsea + I reckon I can understand, and the Show ought to be popular; + but if the Admiralty want to make a further "exhibition" of + themselves, they won't have to go very far a-field for + material. Here are one or two exhibits that come to hand at + once. First, there's those big guns which it ain't safe to fire + nohow, and which, if you do load with half a charge, crack, + bend, and get sent back to be "ringed" up, whatever that means, + and are not safe, even for a salute, ever afterwards. Then, in + another case, they might show a foot or two of that blessed + boiler-piping which is always leaking, or splitting, or + bursting, just when it shouldn't. In a third they might display + a chop that had been cooked from lying exposed in one of those + famous stokeholes where the poor beggars of sailors are + expected to pass their time without getting roasted too. Then + there might be, as a sort of prize puzzle, a plan of these here + recent manoeuvres, with the Umpire's opinion of the whole + blessed jumble tacked on to it. Then, to enliven the + proceedings. Lord GEORGE might take his turn with the rest of + the Admiralty Board, and give us, every half hour or so, a + figure or two of the Hornpipe, just to let the public see that + they have got some sort of nautical "go" about them to warrant + them in drawing their big screw. Bless you, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, + there's lots to make an Exhibition of at Chelsea next year if + you come to calculate. Leastways that's the opinion of your + humble servant and admirer,</p> + + <p>A TAX-PAYING LANDLUBBER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page52" + id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span> + + <h2>ON GUARDS!</h2> + + <h3>THE BAD FORM OF THE PAST.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/52.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/52.png" + alt="Mr. Punch." /></a> + </div> + + <p>There he stood in his evening dress, with a half-smoked + cigarette between his lips. He had been knocking about + Piccadilly all day, had dined at the Junior, looked in at the + Opera, and finished at the Steak. He seemed a civilian of + civilians. The most casual observer would have declared that he + could never have seen the inside of a barrack-yard. So no + surprise was expressed when the question was asked him.</p> + + <p>"What am I?" he repeated, languidly, and then he replied, + with a yawn, "Can't you see, old Chappie? Why, an Officer in + the Guards!"</p> + + <h3>THE GOOD FORM OF THE FUTURE.</h3> + + <p>There he stood in his neat, serviceable undress uniform, + with a cigar between his lips. He had abandoned the swagger + frogged coat and silk sash for the unpretending patrol jacket + of his brethren in the Line. He had been hard at work all day + in barracks, inspecting meals, visiting the hospital, attending + parades. He had paid his company personally, had seen every + man, and found that there were no complaints. He had attended a + mess meeting, and had dined at mess, playing a rubber + afterwards (sixpenny points) in the ante-room. He knew as much + about the internal economy of the Battalion as the Colonel, the + Adjutant, or the Sergeant-Major. He seemed a soldier of + soldiers. The most casual observer would have declared that he + was acquainted with every inch of the barrack-yard. So general + surprise was expressed when the question was asked him.</p> + + <p>"What am I?" he repeated, briskly; and then he replied, with + a smile, "Can't you see, stupid? Why, an Officer in the + Guards!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT A GARDEN-PARTY.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>SCENE—<i>A London Lawn. A Band in a costume + half-way between the uniforms of a stage hussar and a + circus groom, is performing under a tree. Guests discovered + slowly pacing the turf, or standing and sitting about in + groups.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. Maynard Gery</i> (<i>to her Brother-in-law—who + is thoroughly aware of her little weaknesses</i>). Oh, + PHIL,—you know everybody—<i>do</i> tell me! Who is + that common-looking, little man with the scrubby beard, and the + very yellow gloves—how does he come to be + <i>here</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Where? Oh, I see him. Well—have you read + <i>Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece?</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> No—<i>ought</i> I to have? I never + even heard of it!</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Really? I wonder at that—tremendous + hit—you must order it—though I doubt if you'll be + able to get it.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Oh, I shall <i>insist</i> on having it. And + <i>he</i> wrote it? Really, PHIL, now I come to look at him, + there's something rather striking about his face. Did you say + <i>Sabrina's Niece's Other Aunt</i>—or what?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. <i>Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece</i> was what I + <i>said</i>—not that it signifies.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Oh, but I always attach the greatest + importance to names, myself. And do you know him?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. What, TABLETT? Oh, yes—decent little + chap; not much to say for himself, you know.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> I don't mind <i>that</i> when a man is + <i>clever</i>—do you think you could bring him up and + introduce him?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Oh, I <i>could</i>—but I won't answer for + your not being disappointed in him.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> I have never been disappointed in any + genius <i>yet</i>—perhaps, because I don't expect too + much—so go, dear boy; he may be surrounded unless you get + hold of him soon. [PHIL <i>obeys</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i> (<i>accosting the Scrubby Man</i>). Well, + TABLETT, old fellow, how are things going with you? + <i>Sabrina</i> flourishing?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Tablett</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>). It's a + tremendous hit, my boy; orders coming in so fast they don't + know how to execute 'em—there's a fortune in it, as I + always told you!</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Capital!—but you've such luck. By the + way, my sister-in-law is most anxious to know you.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>flattered</i>). Very kind of her. I shall + be delighted. I was just thinking I felt quite a stranger + here.</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Come along then, and I'll introduce you. If she + asks you to her parties by any chance, mind you go—sure + to meet a lot of interesting people.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>pulling up his collar</i>). Just what I + enjoy—meeting interesting people—the only society + worth cultivating, to my mind, Sir. Give me + <i>intellect</i>—it's of more value than wealth!</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>They go in search of Mrs. M.G.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Lady on Chair</i>. Look at the dear Vicar, getting + that poor Lady PAWPERSE an ice. What a very spiritual + expression he has, to be sure—really quite apostolic!</p> + + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. We are not in his parish, but I have + always heard him spoken of as a most excellent man.</p> + + <p><i>First Lady</i>. Excellent! My dear, that man is a perfect + <i>Saint</i>! I don't believe he knows what it is to have a + single worldly thought! And such trials as he has to bear, too! + With that <i>dreadful</i> wife of his!</p> + + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. That's the wife, isn't it?—the + dowdy little woman, all alone, over there? Dear me, what + <i>could</i> he have married her for?</p> + + <p><i>First Lady</i>. Oh, for her <i>money</i>, of course, my + dear!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Pattallons</i> (<i>to Mrs. ST. MARTIN + SOMERVILLE</i>). Why, it really <i>is</i> you! I absolutely + didn't know you at first. I was just thinking, "Now who + <i>is</i> that young and lovely person coming along the path?" + You see—I came out without my glasses to-day, which + accounts for it!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Chuck</i> (<i>meeting a youthful Matron and + Child</i>). Ah, Mrs. SHARPE, how de do! <i>I'm</i> all right. + Hullo, TOTO, how are <i>you</i>, eh, young lady?</p> + + <p><i>Toto</i> (<i>primly</i>). I'm very well indeed, thank + you. (<i>With sudden interest</i>). How's the idiot? Have you + seen him lately?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.</i> (<i>mystified</i>). The idiot, eh? Why, fact + is, I don't <i>know</i> any idiot!—give you my word!</p> + + <p><i>Toto</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). Yes, you + <i>do</i>—<i>you</i> know. The one Mummy says you're next + door to—you must see him <i>sometimes</i>! You <i>did</i> + say Mr. CHUCK was next door to an idiot, didn't you, Mummy?</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>Tableau.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. Prattleton</i>. Let me see—<i>did</i> we have + a fine Summer in '87? Yes, of course—I always remember + the weather by the clothes we wore, and that June and July we + wore scarcely anything—some filmy stuff that belonged to + one's ancestress, don't you know. <i>Such</i> fun! By the way, + what has become of Lucy?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. St. Patticker</i>. Oh, I've quite lost sight of her + lately—you see she's so perfectly happy now, that she's + ceased to be in the least interesting!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Hussiffe</i> (<i>to Mr. DE MURE</i>). Perhaps + <i>you</i> can tell me of a good coal merchant? The people who + supply me now are perfect <i>fiends</i>, and I really must go + somewhere else.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. De Mure</i>. Then I'm afraid you must be rather + difficult to please.</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>Mr. TABLETT <i>has been introduced to</i> Mrs. MAYNARD + GERY—<i>with the following result</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>). I'm so delighted + to make your acquaintance. When my brother-in-law told me who + you were, I positively very nearly shrieked. I am such an + admirer of your—(<i>thinks she won't commit herself to + the whole title</i>—<i>and so compounds</i>)—your + delightful <i>Sabrina</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Most gratified to hear it, I'm sure, I'm told + there's a growing demand for it.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Such a hopeful sign—when one was + beginning quite to despair of the public taste!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Well, I've always said—So long as you + give the Public a really first-rate article, and are prepared + to spend any amount of money on <i>pushing</i> it, you know, + you're sure to see a handsome return for your outlay—in + the long run. And you see, I've had this carefully analysed, by + competent judges—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Ah, but <i>you</i> can feel independent of + criticism, can't you?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Oh, I defy anyone to find anything unwholesome + in it—it's as suitable for the most delicate child as it + is for adults—nothing to irritate the most + sensitive—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Ah, you mean certain critics are so + thin-skinned—they are indeed!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>warming to his subject</i>). But the + beauty of this particular composition is that it causes + absolutely <i>no</i> unpleasantness or inconvenience + afterwards. In some cases, indeed, it acts like a charm. I've + known of two cases of long-standing erysipelas it has + completely cured.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>rather at sea</i>). How gratifying that + must be. But that is the magic of all truly great work, it is + such an <i>anodyne</i>—it takes people so completely out + of themselves—doesn't it?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> It takes anything of that sort out of + <i>them</i>, Ma'am. It's the finest discovery of the age, no + household will be without it in a few months—though + perhaps I say it who shouldn't.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>still more astonished</i>). Oh, but I + <i>like</i> to hear you. I'm so tired of hearing people + pretending to disparage what they have done, it's such a + <i>pose</i>, and I hate posing. Real genius is <i>never</i> + modest. (<i>If he had been more retiring, she would have, of + course, reversed this axiom</i>.) I <i>wish</i> you would come + and see me on one of my Tuesdays, Mr. TABLETT, I should feel so + honoured, and I think you would meet some congenial + spirits—do look in some evening—I will send you a + card if I may—let me see—could you come and lunch + next Sunday? I've got a little man coming who was very nearly + eaten up by cannibals. I think <i>he</i> would interest + you.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" + id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> I shall be proud to meet him. Er—did + they eat <i>much</i> of him?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>who privately thinks this rather + vulgar</i>). How <i>witty</i> you are! That's quite worthy of + a—<i>Sabrina</i>, really! Then you <i>will</i> come? So + glad. And now I mustn't keep you from your other admirers any + longer. [<i>She dismisses him</i>.</p> + + <h4>LATER.</h4> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>to her Brother-in-law</i>). How + <i>could</i> you say that dear Mr. TABLETT was <i>dull</i>, + PHIL? I found him perfectly charming—so original and + unconventional! He's promised to come to me. By the way, + <i>what</i> did you say the name of his book was?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. I never said he had written a book.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> PHIL—you + <i>did</i>!—<i>Sabrina's Other—Something</i>. Why, + I've been <i>praising</i> it to him, entirely on your + recommendation.</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. No, no—<i>your</i> mistake. I only asked + you if you'd read <i>Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece</i>, and, as + I made up the title on the spur of the moment, I should have + been rather surprised if you had. <i>He</i> never wrote a line + in his life.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> How <i>abominable</i> of you! But surely + he's famous for <i>something</i>? He talks like it. [<i>With + reviving hope</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Oh, yes, he's the inventor and patentee of the + new "Sabrina" Soap—he says he'll make a fortune over + it.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> But he hasn't even done <i>that</i> yet! + PHIL, I'll <i>never</i> forgive you for letting me make such an + idiot of myself. What <i>am</i> I to do now? I <i>can't</i> + have him coming to me—he's really too impossible!</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Do? Oh, order some of the soap, and wash your + hands of him, I suppose—not that he isn't a good deal + more presentable than some of your lions, after all's said and + done!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mrs. M.G., <i>before she takes her leave, contrives to + inform</i> Mr. TABLETT, <i>with her prettiest penitence, + that she has only just recollected that her luncheon party + is put off, and that her Tuesdays are over for the Season. + Directly she returns to Town, she promises to let him hear + from her; in the meantime, he is not to</i> think <i>of + troubling himself to call. So there is no harm done, after + all</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>Last Week of Opera.</i>)</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/53-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Hamlet Personally Conducted. + </div> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—<i>Hamlet</i>. Music by AMBROISE + THOMAS, and <i>libretto</i> by Messieurs CARRÉ and + BARBIER, who seem to have read <i>Hamlet</i> once through, + after which they wrote down as a <i>libretto</i> what they + remembered, of the story. It would be difficult to mention any + Opera less dramatic than this. The question arises at once, + adapting the immortal phrase of JAMES LE SIFFLEUR, "Why lug in + <i>Hamlet</i>?" Why not have called it <i>Ophelia</i>? Whatever + interest there may be in the Opera—and there is very + little—is centred entirely in <i>Ophelia</i>. The + <i>Ghost</i> is utterly purposeless, but of distinguished + appearance as a robust spectre, marching in at one gate, and + out at another, or hiding behind a sofa, and popping up + suddenly, in order to frighten an equally purposeless + <i>Hamlet.</i> Like father, like son. M. LASSALLE is a fine, + substantial, baritonial <i>Hamlet</i>, who is always posturing, + weeping, calling out <i>ma mère</i>, and blubbering on + the ample matronly bosom of his mother, Madame RICHARD ("O + RICHARD! <i>O ma Reine</i>!") like a big, blubbering, overgrown + schoolboy. Were I inclined to disquisitionise, I should say + that Messieurs CARRÉ and BARBIER have actually realised + SHAKSPEARE's own description of his jelly-fleshed hero, whose + mind is as shaky as his well-covered body. <i>Hamlet</i> + was—as SHAKSPEARE took care to emphasise—"fat, and + scant of breath"—which was the physical description of + the actor who first impersonated the leading <i>rôle</i> + of this play; and the French author's idea of <i>Hamlet</i> + was, accordingly, a fat youth, very much out of condition, home + from Wittenberg College, in consequence of his father's recent + decease.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/53-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Hamlet is out of it in the last Act. Why + wasn't he brought into the Ballet? + </div> + + <p>Some of the lighter musical portions of the Opera are + charming, and the Chorus at the end of Act I, might have been + written by OFFENBACH. But what is there of the story? Nothing. + The King is not killed: the Queen isn't poisoned: + <i>Polonius</i> is not stabbed behind the arras, having been, + perhaps, killed before the Opera commenced, since his name + appears in the book but not in the programme, and the only + person on the stage that I could possibly associate with that + dear old Lord Chamberlain was M. MIRANDA, who had donned a + white beard and a different robe from what he had been + previously wearing as <i>Horatio</i> in the First and Second + Acts, in order to enter and lead the King away, in an + interpolated and ineffective scene which was not in the book. A + very hard-working Opera for the principals, and a thankless + task. <i>Hamlet's</i> drinking song fine, and finely sung. But + the whole point of the Opera is in the last Act, where there is + a <i>ballet</i> that has nothing to do with the piece, but + pretty to see little PALLADINO in short white skirts, dancing + merrily in a forest glade, among the happy peasantry, to whom + comes <i>Ophelia</i>, mad as several hatters, and after a + lunatic scene, charming, both musically and dramatically, + throws herself into the water, and dies singing.</p> + + <p>Here is a suggestion for the effective compression and + reduction of the Opera, and if my plan be accepted, DRURIOLANUS + will earn the eternal gratitude of those who would like to hear + all that is good in it, and to skip, as PALLADINO does, the + rest. Thus:—</p> + + <p>ACT I.—<i>Enter</i> HAMLET. <i>Solo. Exit. Enter</i> + OPHELIA. <i>Solo. Re-enter</i> HAMLET. OPHELIA <i>and</i> + HAMLET <i>love-duet. Exit</i> OPHELIA. HAMLET'S <i>Friends come + in, and he sings them a Drinking Song with Chorus. All join in + Chorus and Dance. Curtain</i>.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/53-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53-3.png" + alt="" /></a>An awkward moment for Hamlet. Row with + his Mother and Ophelia. + </div> + + <p>ACT II.—<i>Opening Chorus (anything; it doesn't matter + if it's only pretty and bright). Enter</i> HAMLET. <i>Solo</i>. + "<i>Être, ou ne pas être." Enter</i> OPHELIA + <i>with book, pretends not to see</i> HAMLET. <i>Solo. + Enter</i> Queen. OPHELIA <i>complains to her that</i> HAMLET + <i>isn't behaving like a gentleman.</i> Queen <i>upbraids</i> + HAMLET: <i>So does</i> OPHELIA: HAMLET <i>depressed, Exit</i> + Queen R.H. <i>Exit</i> OPHELIA L.H. HAMLET <i>remains, + evidently going mad</i>. PALLADINO <i>looks in. Dances</i>. + HAMLET <i>joins her. Enter Friends, Courtiers, Peasants, and + other Friends. All join in ballet</i>, HAMLET <i>included. + Enter</i> Keepers, <i>and</i> HAMLET <i>is taken off to + Hanwellhagen</i>. OPHELIA <i>rushes in, faints. + Curtain</i>.</p> + + <p>ACT III.—<i>Meadows near Hanwellhagen, in Denmark. + Dance of Lunatics, out for a holiday. To them enter</i> + OPHELIA. <i>All the charming music, delightful, and, this being + finished, she chucks herself away into the stream. + Curtain</i>.</p> + + <p>Great call for everybody concerned. And, if the above scheme + be adopted, the Opera would be over before eleven, having begun + at nine. I present this with my compliments to DRURIOLANUS and + AMBROISE THOMAS; and, if he is not "a doubting THOMAS," he will + try this plan.</p> + + <p>The remainder of the week passed away happily, so I hear, + but was not able to be in my place, as I was at somebody else's + place far, far away. The Opera has been, from the first, a big + success. Should like to hear <i>Masaniello</i> once again. + Perhaps that is a treat in store for all of us. Thus ends the + Opera-goer's Diary for 1890, and everybody is highly satisfied + and delighted. Curtain.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>MUSICAL PARADOX.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Autumn comes, our womenfolk prepare</p> + + <p>To grind the "old old tune" called "change of + air."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" + id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/54.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/54.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>MRS. HIGHFLYER'S DANCE, 2 A.M.</h3>"AH! IT'S ALL VERY + WELL FOR THE FOOTMEN,—AND IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR THE + GALS,—BUT IT'S PRECIOUS 'ARD ON US COACHMEN AND THE + PORE MOTHERS!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"OUR TURN NOW!"</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, Mr. Bull and the Wandering Minstrels.</i></h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Mr. Bull</i>. Confound these Wandering Minstrels! + Oh, the bore of them!</p> + + <p class="i2">Only just settled with yon tow-hair'd + fellow</p> + + <p>Turning the corner, and behold two more of them,</p> + + <p class="i2">Prepared to grind and tootle, blow and + bellow,</p> + + <p>Until I tip <i>them</i> in a liberal fashion.</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon my word, their noise is something + shocking;</p> + + <p>Enough to put a person in a passion.</p> + + <p class="i2">Menaces slighting and remonstrance + mocking,</p> + + <p>They stand and twangle, tootle, grind, and + gurgle</p> + + <p class="i2">Their horrible cacophony. Find it + funny,</p> + + <p>Ye grinners? Might as well my mansion burgle,</p> + + <p class="i2">As "row" me forcibly out of my money.</p> + + <p>The Teuton tootler, being tipped, is "sloping,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Patting his pocket with a smile + complacent.</p> + + <p>The Gallic blower, for like treatment hoping,</p> + + <p class="i2">Grins at the Portuguese who grinds + adjacent.</p> + + <p>What a <i>charivari</i>! Oh, I <i>must</i> stop + it!</p> + + <p class="i2">I say, you rascal with the + hurdy-gurdy,</p> + + <p>More than enough of that vile shindy; drop it!</p> + + <p class="i2">And you, my brazen, blatant, would-be + VERDI,</p> + + <p>Hush that confounded horn, or go and blow it</p> + + <p class="i2">At—Jericho. <i>My</i> walls you + will not tumble</p> + + <p>By windy shindy, and you ought to know it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Horn-Player</i>. Bah! ze old hombogs! He sall + growl and grumble</p> + + <p>But he vill <i>pay</i> ven it come to ze + pinches;</p> + + <p class="i2">I know him, ze cantankerous <i>vieux</i> + chappie.</p> + + <p>Ze German yonder, vy he take ze inches,</p> + + <p class="i2">And get ze Hel-igoland! Now he quite + happy.</p> + + <p>I do ze same. <i>Pom! Pom!</i> Zat blast vos + thunder!</p> + + <p class="i2">How he do tear his hair and tvist his + features.</p> + + <p>He svear, but he vill vat you call "knock + under."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Mr. Bull</i>. I say, you Portugee, smallest of + creatures,</p> + + <p>And noisiest for your size, shut up, and hook + it!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Hurdy-gurdy</i>. <i>Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!</i> Zey + say zat ze old fool is skveezable,</p> + + <p>Melting in his own heat. Py gar, he <i>look</i> + it.</p> + + <p class="i2">Ze Teuton yonder find zat he vas + teaseable</p> + + <p>Out of ze "tip," ze big <i>pour-boire</i>. He got + him,</p> + + <p class="i2">He go, he grin! Sall I not take ze hint + too?</p> + + <p>I get him too—<i>I</i> go. But I no let + him</p> + + <p class="i2">Drive me away, as he did SERPA PINTO.</p> + + <p><i>Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!</i> I see zat he no like ze + grinding.</p> + + <p class="i2">Soo mooch ze bettare! He sall give mooch + money;</p> + + <p>Ze <i>pour-boire</i>, someveres, he sall soon be + finding,</p> + + <p class="i2">If I keep on. Zeese Eenglish are so + funny.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Tutto</i>. Ze money for ze Minstrels! Kvick! So + sall you</p> + + <p class="i2">Get rid of us. Like to ze artful + gloser</p> + + <p>In Mistare SEYMOUR'S sketch, <i>ve</i> "know ze + value</p> + + <p class="i2">Of peace and kvie'ness." Pay us, ve go, + Sir! [<i>Left tootling.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN THE KNOW.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Am I going to Goodwood? I answer that question by another. + Is it likely that a race-meeting of any pretensions can + possibly do without one whom even his enemies acknowledge to be + the only accurate and high-minded sporting writer in the world? + Those who care (and I devoutly hope that Mr. J., whose brains + equal those of a newly-born tadpole, will not be amongst the + number) can see me at any moment on pronouncing the password, + "mealy-mouth," in my old place, <i>close to the space devoted + to Royalty.</i> Yes, I shall be there. In the meantime, I + propose to treat of the horses as only I can treat of them. I + have nothing to say against <i>Pioneer</i>, except that the + name promises very well for one who means to lead the way. + <i>Nous verrons</i>, as RACINE said, on a celebrated occasion. + As for <i>The Imp</i>, I cannot too strongly lay it down that + only blue devils are bad for the digestion, and <i>Galloping + Queen</i> may gallop farther than or not so far as <i>Miss + Ethel</i>. A miss must be better than a mile to win. If + <i>Theophilus</i> were <i>Formidable</i>, or if <i>Imogene</i> + possessed a <i>Grecian Bend</i>, it might be necessary to sound + <i>Reveille</i> in <i>Rotten Row</i>, which would certainly be + a <i>Marvel</i>. Not being a roadster, I sometimes like <i>The + Field</i>.</p> + + <p>The above information ought to be sufficient to guide + anybody whose brains are calculated to fill an egg-cup. All + others may go to Earlswood, where they will probably meet Mr. + J.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" + id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/55.png" + alt="France and Portugal beg at John Bull's door." /></a> + + <h3>"OUR TURN NOW!"</h3>FRANCE AND PORTUGAL (<i>who know + the value of Peace and Quiet</i>). "YOU GIVE GERMAN + SOMESING,—HE GO VAY! YOU GIVE <i>US</i> + SOMESING,—<i>VE</i> GO VAY!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" + id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + + <h2>THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Before</i> MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.)</h4> + + <h3><i>An Anglo-Indian Gentleman introduced.</i></h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/57-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57-1.png" + alt="Mr. Commissioner Punch." /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>The Commissioner</i>. Well, Sir, What can I do for + you?</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-Indian</i>. I wish respectfully to call your + attention, Sir, to our case, which is now before a + Parliamentary Committee. I am an Indian Civil Servant. I am + called a member of the Uncovenanted Service, but I contend that + such a term is a misnomer. Originally the Uncovenanted Service + consisted of Natives of India, who were employed, without + covenant, to do subordinate official work, under the direction + of the Covenanted Civil Service. The bulk of these persons were + overseers and tax-collectors.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Has there been any alteration of late years? + I see you lay a stress upon <i>originally</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> At this moment there are in the Service, in + one department alone—the Educational—a Senior + Classic, a Second Wrangler, several other Wranglers, and many + Fellows of Oxford and Cambridge, who took high honours with + their degrees. The Service now requires great technical + knowledge, as it has to deal with Archæology, Finance, + Geological Survey, Public Works, and Telegraphy, and can only + be entered by Europeans, who have been selected by nomination, + or after competition, either by the Secretary of State for + India, or the Government of India. It is not an Uncovenanted + Service, as we now enter it with the prospect of pension; and + one of our grievances is, that that prospect has become less + favourable through the recent action of our employers.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Be kind enough to explain.</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> Certainly, Sir. When we entered the Service + our pension, after serving thirty years, was stated by the + Secretary of State to be £500. Naturally this was taken + to mean gold, but because years ago the Service consisted of + Natives, the Government hit upon the plan of paying us in + silver, which at the present rate means a loss of £150 in + the £500.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Are the members of the other Indian + Services, Civil and Military, treated in like manner?</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> No, they are paid their pensions in + gold.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Well, considering the class of men who now + enter your Service I do not see why you should be put at so + great a disadvantage. Have you any other grievances?</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> Well, thirty years is a long time to have + to serve in a climate as trying as the tropics, especially when + we are not allowed to count furlough as service.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> I think so, too. Then I may sum up your + grievances thus. You are educated men, and therefore deserve + fair treatment. You would consider fair treatment, payment of + pensions in gold, and the lessening of the years of service + necessary to earn the right of retirement?</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> Exactly, Sir; and I cannot thank you + sufficiently for putting our case so plainly.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Not at all. Should you receive no redress + within a reasonable time, you may mention the matter to me + again.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Witness with a grateful bow then + withdrew</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SHADOW OF A CASE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>To the Editor of Punch.</i>)</h4> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—As the leading forensic journal of this + great country (your contemporary <i>Weekly Notes</i> runs you + pretty close occasionally in some of its reports), I address + you. It was my painful duty a few days ago (I had to "take a + note" for a colleague, an occupation more honourable than + lucrative), to be present at a cause that was heard before the + President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of + the High Court of Justice and a Special Jury. The trial created + considerable interest, not only amongst the general public, but + amongst that branch of our honourable Profession represented by + the Junior Bar, no doubt, because certain points of law, not + easily recognisable—I frankly confess, I myself, am + unable to recount them—were no doubt in question, and had + to be decided by competent authority. The Counsel directly + engaged were some of the brightest ornaments of Silk and Stuff. + Amongst the rest were my eloquent and learned friend, Sir + CHARLES RUSSELL, my erudite and learned friend Mr. INDERWICK + (whose <i>Side-lights upon the Stuarts</i>, is a marvel of + antiquarian research), and my mirth-compelling and learned + friend Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, whose law is only equalled (if, + indeed, it is equalled) by his comic draughtmanship. As the + details of the trial have been fully reported, there is no + necessity to go into particulars. However, there was a feature + in the case that the passing notice of an article in one or + more of the leading journals is scarcely sufficient to + meet.</p> + + <p>It was proved that the detective part of divorce (if I may + use the expression) may be conducted in a fashion, to say the + least, of not the most entirely satisfactory character. A + talented family were called before us, whose performances were, + from one point of view, extremely amusing. But, Sir, although + (as you will be the first to admit) laughter is a most + excellent thing in its proper place, the sound of cachinnation + is seldom pleasing in the Divorce Court. Under these + circumstances I would propose that, in future, Divorce + Shadowing should be put under the protection of the State. + There should be a special department, and the Shadowers should + be of the distinguished position of Mr. MCDOUGALL of the London + County Council, and the like. The office of the rank and file + of the Shadowers should be honorary, as the pleasure of + following in (possibly) unsavoury steps in the cause of virtue, + would be to them, I presume, ample reward for any trouble the + labour might entail. I would willingly myself undertake the + responsibilities attaching to the post of Director-General, of + course on the understanding that a suitable provision were + made, not only as compensation for the loss of my practice, but + also that I might perform the duties of the office with + suitable dignity. But when I say this, I would add, that I + should reserve to myself the right of seeking the supplementary + services of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, and Mr. Sheriff + AUGUSTUS HARRIS, as assessors in assisting me to distinguish + between innocence and vice, and guilt and virtue.</p> + + <p>Believe me, with an expression of all necessary respect for + "the Nobility" connected with the case to which I have + referred, and admiration for the courage of a certain + Militiaman, exhibited by his entering the witness-box, and + there facing the cross-examination he so richly deserved, I + remain, Yours truly,</p> + + <p>(<i>Signed</i>) A BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.</p> + + <p><i>Pump-handle Court, July 29, 1890.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/57-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Poet and Prophet are nearly allied. Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN is an + illustration of this, in his recently published <i>English + Lyrics</i> (MACMILLAN) all of which he must have written in + utter ignorance of the doings of the Chairman of the County + Council. Yet, hath the Prophetic Poet these lines:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Primrose, why do you pass away?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And the Primrose's return:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Nay, rather, why should we longer stay?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But the Conservative bias of the Poet is shown in the next + line:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>We</i> are not needed," &c.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The commencement of the poem, however, as here quoted, is + evidently an inspiration for which the Poet was not + responsible. It is a charming little volume of charming verse. + It is good poetic wine, which needs not the bush provided by + Mr. WILLIAM WATSON in the shape of a thickset introduction. + What, asks W.W., is the attitude of ALFRED AUSTIN towards + Nature? This recalls a well-known scene in <i>Nicholas + Nickleby</i>—"She's a rum 'un, is Natur'," said <i>Mr. + Squeers</i>. "She is a holy thing, Sir," remarked <i>Mr. + Snawley</i>. "Natur'," said <i>Mr. Squeers</i>, solemnly, "is + more easier conceived than described. Oh, what a blessed thing, + Sir, to be in a state of natur'!" And these observations of + Messrs. <i>Snawley</i> and <i>Squeers</i> pretty accurately sum + up all that the ingenious WILLIAM WATSON has to say about + Natur' and ALFRED AUSTIN. The moral of which lies in the + application of it, which is,—skip the preface, and make + plunge into the poetry.</p> + + <p>A good deal has been written in olden time and of late about + the Oberammergau Passion Play. Nothing has been better done + than the work by Mr. EDWARD R. RUSSELL, formerly M.P. for + Glasgae, who visited Oberammergau this year. His account is + instinct with keen criticism, fine feeling, and reasoning + reverence. Moreover, whilst other works are padded out into + bulky volumes, he says all that need be said in fifteen pages + of a pleasantly-printed booklet—price sixpence. It is a + reprint from letters which the errant Editor contributed to his + journal, the <i>Liverpool Daily Post</i>, at the sign of which + copies may be had. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Art's Friends and Foe!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>TATE, WALLACE, AGNEW! Here be three good names,</p> + + <p>Friends of true Art, and furtherers of her aims;</p> + + <p>Munificence but waits to take sound shape;</p> + + <p>Say, shall it be frustrated by—Red Tape?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" + id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/58.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/58.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>BUZZY TIME FOR THE MINISTER OF + AGRICULTURE.</h3>[Persons interested should secure the + Government paper containing all the information in regard + to the Hessian Fly, and other injurious insects and fungi.] + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" + id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/59.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/59.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"THE CHURCH-GOING BELL."</h3>SUNDAY MORNING, COAST OF + NORWAY.<br /> + (<i>By Our Yotting Artist.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>JOHNNY, MAKE ROOM FOR DELONCLE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>New North African Version of an Old Song.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"M. DELONCLE, in his conversation with a Belgian + reporter, puts in a claim for practically the whole of the + northern half of Africa, with the possible exception of + Egypt."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + + <p>AIR—"<i>Tommy, make room for your Uncle</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Deputy</i> DELONCLE (<i>addressing</i> JOHNNY BULL) + <i>sings</i>:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nothing but deserts now left for France!</p> + + <p class="i2">Hang it! That <i>will</i> not do!</p> + + <p>Therefore DELONCLE her claims must advance,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mighty they are, nor few.</p> + + <p>Right from Oubanghi unto Lake Tchad,</p> + + <p class="i2">Through Wadai and Ba-gir-mi!</p> + + <p>JOHNNY, my lad, I shall be glad</p> + + <p class="i2">If you'll make room for ME!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE,</p> + + <p class="i4">There's a little dear!</p> + + <p class="i2">JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE,</p> + + <p class="i4">He wants to stay here.</p> + + <p class="i2">He needs the whole of North Africa!</p> + + <p class="i4">(The rest he may leave to you),</p> + + <p class="i2">Do not annoy, there's a good boy!</p> + + <p class="i4">Make room for DELONCLE, do!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To So-ko-to and the Gan-do,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your claims you must resign.</p> + + <p>If France goes far from Zanzibar,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>I</i>'ll draw a new boundary line.</p> + + <p>To the east of the Niger by latitude ten!</p> + + <p class="i2">That is our mi-ni-<i>mum</i>!</p> + + <p>Ours the Sahara! Yes, <i>che sarà + sarà!</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Therefore don't <i>you</i> look glum!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE!</p> + + <p class="i4">The Niger is ours, that's clear.</p> + + <p class="i2">JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE!</p> + + <p class="i4">He doesn't want <i>you</i> here.</p> + + <p class="i2">France must take up her traditional + <i>rôle</i></p> + + <p class="i4">(Of grabbing all she <i>can</i> do)</p> + + <p class="i2">So, JOHNNY, my boy, don't you annoy;</p> + + <p class="i4">Make room for DELONCLE, <i>do</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM</h4> + + <h3>THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July</i> 21.—RITCHIE got + another Bill through; not a measure of high imperial policy; + nothing to do either with Heligoland or Zanzibar; only proposes + to improve in various ways the dwellings of the industrial + classes. Still, as JOKIM has shown in connection with one or + two of his little Bills, it is quite possible nearly to wreck a + Ministry even on matter-of-fact business arrangements. But + RITCHIE isn't JOKIM, and so his Bill passes to-night, taking + two steps at a time, both sides uniting in congratulation and + cheers. WALTER FOSTER, rising, salutes the Minister with a + quite touching bless-you-my-child attitude. FOSTER rather hints + that the Bill everyone is so pleased with, is really his. True, + RITCHIE'S name is on back, and he took charge of it in its + passage through Committee and House. But the real man was + FOSTER; his Amendments had made the Bill; he had moulded it in + Committee, and now here he was to give it his blessing. Rather + delicate position; sort of cracking up himself, which FOSTER + would not do for the world; blushed a little, as he praised the + Bill; otherwise accomplished his task with ease and grace, + whilst RITCHIE, listening, twitched his eyebrows, and thought + unutterable things.</p> + + <p>"I wish," said OLD MORALITY, "we had an embarrassment of + RITCHIES, or even two or three more like him."</p> + + <p>OLD MORALITY been rather worried to-night; a hail-storm of + questions on all sorts of subjects; amongst others, TIM HEALY + and WILFRID LAWSON badgering him about the Local Taxation Bill. + When is it really intended to take it? LAWSON asks OLD MORALITY + back at the table again for twentieth time; literally gasping + for breath; looked round House with anguished expression; then + happy thought strikes him; "Mr. SPEAKER, Sir," he says, "it is + really impossible to do more than one thing at a time."</p> + + <p>The pathetic earnestness with which this axiom was advanced, + the sudden swift spasm of conviction that had flashed it across + his <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> mind, his certainty of the + soundness of the assertion (paradoxical though it might + appear), and his hasty, anxious glance below the Gangway + opposite, apprehensive that that quarter would peradventure + furnish a person capable of controverting it, all filled the + House with keen delight. Laughed for full sixty seconds by + Westminster clock; OLD MORALITY standing at table looking + round and wondering what on earth he'd said now.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Census Bills read Second + Time.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Pretty quiet sitting, till DIMSDALE + craftily crept upon the scene. Don't often hear from this + distinguished member of the Order of Noble Barons; generally + content to serve his country by voting for the Government. + To-night stirred in sluggish depths by omission of Government + in preparing Census Bill to provide for Religious Census; so + the Noble Baron moves Amendment designed to authorise Religious + Census. Opposition Benches nearly empty; those present listen + listlessly; know it's all right; Government are pledged against + Religious Census; no harm in the Noble Baron moving his + Amendment and making his speech; the Bill as introduced is + safe.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/60-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60-1.png" + alt="Dimsdale." /></a>Another Noble Baron. + </div> + + <p>Then up gets RITCHIE; drops remark, in off-hand manner, as + if it did not signify, that Members on Ministerial side are + free to vote as they please. Sudden change of attitude in + Opposition Benches. Listlessness vanishes; a whisper of + treachery goes round; CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN makes hot protest; + HARCOURT sent for; comes in gleefully; matters been going so + quietly, place unbearable for him; now a row imminent, HARCOURT + joyously returns to Front Bench. Seats fill up on both sides; + OLD MORALITY hurries in; situation explained to him; dolefully + shakes his head; HARCOURT thunders denunciation of a Ministry + that plays fast and loose with House; then OLD MORALITY gets + up, and publicly abjures DIMSDALE and his Amendment. It was, he + explained, only RITCHIE'S fun in saying Ministerialists were + free to vote as they pleased on this matter. The Government + were against the Amendment, and of course good Ministerialists + would vote with Ministers. So they did, and DIMSDALE'S rising + hopes crushed by majority of 288 against 69.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—English Census Bill passed + through Committee.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Came across NICHOLAS WOOD in remote + corner of Corridor; had the depressed look familiar when he has + been wrestling with great mental problems and finds himself + worsted.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter now, NICHOLAS? Thinking over what OLD + MORALITY said yesterday about impossibility of doing more than + one thing at a time?"</p> + + <p>"No, TOBY," he said, wearily; "it's not that; gave that up + at once. OLD MORALITY's a good fellow, but he's too subtle for + me. It's this Police Question that bothers me; give up a good + deal of time to mastering it. Sort of thing seemed likely to + suit me; heard all MATTHEWS' speeches; tried to follow + CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM; courted CONYBEARE'S company, and pursued + PICKERSGILL with inquiries. Thought I'd got a pretty clear + notion of what it all meant; and now it turns out all to have + led up to making PULESTON Constable of Carnarvon. Never heard + his name before in connection with the Police Question. He took + no part in discussions; had nothing to do with it I ever heard + of; just when I was comfortably getting on another tack, the + whole question centres on PULESTON. It seems <i>he</i> was the + Police Question, and now he's Constable of Carnarvon. Why + Carnarvon? Why not stationed in the Lobby or the Central Hall + where he would be with old friends? Suppose he'll wear a blue + coat, bright buttons, and a belt, and will shadow LOYD-GEORGE + who now sits for Carnarvon? If you write to him must you + address your letters "P.C. PULESTON"? and shall we have to + change refrain of our latest National Hymn? instead of singing + '<i>Ask a Policeman?</i>' shall we have to chant 'Ask a + PULESTON?' These are the new problems; suddenly rushed in, + bothering me to death when I thought I'd got pretty well + through Session, Recess close at hand and no more difficult + points coming up. Don't think, TOBY, I was cut out for + politics; perhaps I take them too seriously; but like to know + things, and there are so many things to know."</p> + + <p>Try to cheer up NICHOLAS; suggest to him that he should put + his questions down on the paper; might address them to + FERGUSON; a little out of the way of Foreign Affairs; but a + conversation publicly conducted between NICHOLAS and FERGUSON + would be interesting.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Votes in Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—House in rather strange condition + to-night; things all sevens and sixes; Motion is that + Anglo-German Agreement Bill be read Second Time. Opinion very + mixed on merits of measure; on the whole, no particular + objection to it, even though with it goes Heligoland. Still, an + Opposition must oppose; but where is the Opposition? Mr. G. + came down last night; said he'd no particular objection to + Treaty, but didn't like the process of confirming it; so + publicly washed his hands of the business. Since the + announcement appeared in papers, HERBERT tells me his + illustrious father's life has been a burden to him. Every post + brings him letters from rival advertising soap manufacturers, + making overtures of business transactions.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/60-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60-2.png" + alt="" /></a>The British Constitution. + </div> + + <p>"Sir," runs one of these epistles, "alluding to your + statement in the House of Commons last night that you publicly + washed your hands of participation in the Anglo-German Treaty, + would you have any objection to our stating that the substance + used was our celebrated Salubrious Savon? Anticipating your + favourable reply, we assume that you would have no objection to + our publishing a portrait of you using our soap, with its + familiar label, 'Does not wash collars.' We have only to add + that in the event of your favourably accepting this suggestion, + we shall esteem it a favour to be allowed to gratuitously + supply you and your family with specimens of our art for the + term of your natural lives."</p> + + <p>This is merely an incident in the struggle, illustrating one + of the embarrassments it has evolved. Only man thoroughly happy + is HARCOURT. He invented the line of attack on ground of breach + of constitutional usages; put up Mr. G. to make his speech; + supplied him with authorities, and in supplementary speech + amazed House with his erudition. Made stupendous speech last + night; literally gorged the House; to-night picks up fragments + and provides another feast: six baskets wouldn't hold it.</p> + + <p>"Wish, TOBY, dear boy," he said, sinking back in his seat + after delivering his second speech, cunningly grafted on an + Amendment, "we could carry this over next week. I could easily + make a speech a day. Remember when I was once in Ireland, asked + a tenant how he liked the new agent, who was reputed to be very + able business man. 'Well,' said my acquaintance, 'I don't know + about his business daylings, but for blasphaymious language, + he's <i>au revoir</i>.' On constitutional questions, TOBY, I + may, with all modesty, say I'm <i>au revoir</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Anglo-German Treaty agreed + to.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + + <h4>FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS.</h4> + + <p>"<i>She is never at a loss for a clever answer;</i>" + <i>i.e.</i>, "A cat whose claws are always out."</p> + + <p>"<i>A little stand-offish to strangers, but wonderfully + winning when one really knows him;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Which one + need never do, thank goodness!"</p> + + <h4>LEGAL.</h4> + + <p>"<i>As your Lordship pleases;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "As a Judge, + you are a stupid, self-sufficient dolt; but so long as my + client, the solicitor, gets his costs, it doesn't matter a jot + to me or him <i>what</i> you decide!"</p> + + <p>"<i>With your Lordship's permission, my Junior will settle + the minutes;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "And so save us both the trouble + of apportioning, in the customary perfunctory fashion, the + oyster to the solicitors, and the shells to the clients."</p> + + <h4>IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.</h4> + + <p>"<i>You don't mind my telling you exactly where I think + you're wrong?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "You obviously want setting + down, and I may as well do it."</p> + + <p>"<i>Do you mind just stating that over again?</i>" + <i>i.e.</i>, "While I think of something to say in reply."</p> + + <p>"<i>Of course you know more about the subject than I + do;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "I am pretty sure you never gave it a + thought till this minute."</p> + + <p>"<i>If you care for my candid opinion;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "I + am now about to be annoying, and perhaps rude."</p> + + <p>"<i>All right, I'm not deaf!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Keep your + confounded temper."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12323 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12323-h/images/49-1.png b/12323-h/images/49-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9c527d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/49-1.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/49-2.png b/12323-h/images/49-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b4aa76b --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/49-2.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/50.png b/12323-h/images/50.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9925242 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/50.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/51.png b/12323-h/images/51.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c80276a --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/51.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/52.png b/12323-h/images/52.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f4b572 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/52.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/53-1.png b/12323-h/images/53-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8495894 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/53-1.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/53-2.png b/12323-h/images/53-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d21bf42 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/53-2.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/53-3.png b/12323-h/images/53-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce5699a --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/53-3.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/54.png b/12323-h/images/54.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..41b4aed --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/54.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/55.png b/12323-h/images/55.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4449412 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/55.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/57-1.png b/12323-h/images/57-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..851cc2d --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/57-1.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/57-2.png b/12323-h/images/57-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..77379d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/57-2.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/58.png b/12323-h/images/58.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..114b80d --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/58.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/59.png b/12323-h/images/59.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4305f3a --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/59.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/60-1.png b/12323-h/images/60-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..afd2d25 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/60-1.png diff --git a/12323-h/images/60-2.png b/12323-h/images/60-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2c8c211 --- /dev/null +++ b/12323-h/images/60-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..25f44cc --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12323 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12323) diff --git a/old/12323-8.txt b/old/12323-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d3e1b01 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12323-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1854 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99., +August 2, 1890., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99., August 2, 1890. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 11, 2004 [EBook #12323] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +August 2, 1890. + + + + +[Illustration: A "SCENE" IN THE HIGHLANDS. + +_Ill-used Husband_ (_under the Bed_). "AYE! YE MAY CRACK ME, AND +YE MAY THRASH ME, BUT YE CANNA BREAK MY MANLY SPERRIT. I'LL NA COME +OOT!!"] + + * * * * * + +PUNCH TO THE SECOND BATTALION. + + "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"--JUVENAL. + + You're off, boys, to Bermuda + (_Like_ "the Bermoothes," "vexed"). + The Guards rebel? _Proh pudor!_ + What next--and next--and next? + Who'll guard the Guards, if they guard not + The fame they should revere? + Fie on the row, row, row, row, + Of the British Grenadier! + + Your _Punch_ is sorry for you, + And for these lads "in quod;" + But Discipline's a parent + That _must_ not spare the rod. + May you right soon redeem your name, + And no more may _Punch_ hear + Of the row, row, row, row, row, row, + Of the British Grenadier! + + _If_ you have been o'er-worried + By ultra-Martinet; + Into unwisdom hurried, + Be sure Bull won't forget. + But England's Redcoats must _not_ ape + The Hyde Park howl, that's clear; + So no more row, row, row, row, + From the British Grenadier! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S AMERICAN ACQUAINTANCE. + +My akwaintance among eminent selebraties seems to be rapidly +encreasing. Within what _Amlet_ calls a week, a little week, after my +larst intervue with the emenent young Swell as amost lost his art to +the pretty Bridesmade, I have been onored with the most cordial notice +of a werry emenent Amerrycane, who cums to Lundon wunce ewery year, +and makes a good long stay, and allus cums to one or other of our +Grand Otels. He says he's taken quite a fansy to me, and for this most +singler reason. He says as I'm the ony Englishman as he has ewer known +who can allus giv a answer rite off to ewery question as he arsks +me! So much so, that he says as how as I ort to be apinted the Guide, +Feelosofer, and Frend of ewery one of the many Wisiters as we allus +has a staying here! + +Well, all I can say is, that if I affords the heminent Amerrycane +jest about harf the fun and emusement as he does me, I must be a much +cleverer feller than I ewer thort myself, or than my better harf +ewer told me as I was. Ah, wouldn't he jest make her stare a bit if +she herd sum of his most owdacious sayings. Why, he acshally says, +that the hole system of marrying for life is all a mistake, and not +consistent with our changable nature! And that we ort to take our +Wives on lease, as we does our houses, wiz., for sewen or fourteen +years, and that in a great majority of cases they woud both be preshus +glad when the end of the lease came! And he tries werry hard to make +me bleeve, tho in course he doesn't succeed, that in one part of +his grate and staggering Country, ewerybody does jest as he likes +in these rayther himportant matters, and has jest as many Wives as +he can afford to keep, and that the King of that place has about a +dozen of 'em! Ah, if you wants to hear a Teel downright staggerer as +nobody carnt posserbly bleeve, don't "ask the Pleaceman," but arsk an +Amerrycane! + +He wanted werry much to go to Brighton, and see our new Grand +Metropole Otel opened last Satterday; so I spoke to our most +gentlemanly Manager, and he gave him a ticket that took him down +first-class, and brort him back, and took him into the Otel, and +supplied him with heverythink as art coud wish for, or supply, and +as much Shampane as he could posserbly drink--and, when there ain't +nothink to pay for it, it's reelly estonishing what a quantity a +gennelman can dispose of--; and the way in which he afterwards told +me as he showed his grattitude for what he called a reel first-class +heavening's enjoyment was, to engage a delicious little sweet of +apartments for a fortnite, so we shall see him no more for that length +of time. He told me as he had seen all the great Otels of Urope +and Amerrykey, but he was obligated to confess, in his own emphatic +langwidge, that the Brighton Metropole "licked all creation!" I didn't +quite understand him, but I've no doubt it was intended as rayther +complimentary. He rayther staggered me by asking what it cost, but I +was reddy with my anser, and boldly said, jest exaoly a quarter of a +million. + +He told me that, in his own grand country, he was ginerally regarded +as a werry truthful man, which, of course, I was pleased to hear, for +sum of his statements was that staggering as wood have made me dowt +it in a feller-countryman. For hinstance, he acshally tried to make +me bleeve that his Country is about 20 times as big as ours! Well, in +course, common politeness made me pretend to bleeve him, speshally +as he's remarkable liberal to me, as most of his countrymen is, but +I coudn't help thinking as it woud have been wiser of him if he had +made his werry long Bow jest a leetle shorter. He's a remarkabel +fine-looking gennelman, and his manners quite comes up to my +description. ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A LYRIC FOR LOWESTOFT. + + [Mr. HENRY IRVING is studying for his new piece at Lowestoft.] + +[Illustration] + + Henry Irving, will the Master feel the fierce and bracing breeze, + As you wander by the margin of the restless Eastern seas? + + Save the seagull slowly swirling none shall hear the tale of woe, + Learn how dark the life that ended in the fatal "Kelpie's Flow." + + 'Mid the murmur of the ocean you will tell how _Edgar_ felt + When his _Lucy_ broke her troth-plight, and he flung down _Craigengelt_, + + Fitting place for actor's study, all that long and lonely shore; + Yonder point methinks as Wolf's Crag should be known for evermore. + + Henceforth will the place be haunted when the midnight hour draws nigh: + Men shall see the Master standing stern against the stormy sky. + + Faint, impalpable as shadow from the cloudland, _Lucy_ there + Shall keep tryst; the moon's effulgence not more golden than her hair. + + And, in coming nights of Autumn, when the vast Lyceum rings + With reverberating plaudits, and the town thy praises sings, + + Memories of the sands at Lowestoft shall be with you ere you sleep; + In your ears once more shall echo diapason of the deep. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DREAM OF UNFAIRLY-TREATED WOMEN. + +(_A Long Way After the Laureate._)] + + I read, before my eyelids dropt their shade, + A leader on weak women and their woe, + In toil and industry, in art and trade, + In this hard world below. + + And for awhile the thought of the sad part + Played by them and of Fate's ill-balanced scales, + Moistened mine eyelids, and made ache mine heart, + Remembering these strange tales + + Of woman's miseries in every land, + I saw wherever poverty draws breath + Woman and anguish walking hand in hand, + The dreary road to death. + + Those pallid sempstresses of HOOD'S great song + Peopled the hollow dark, not now alone, + And I heard sounds of insult, shame, and wrong, + And grief's sad monotone, + + From hearts, like flints, beaten by tyrant hoofs; + And I saw crowds in sombre sweating-dens, + With reeking walls and dank and dripping roofs-- + Fit scarce for styes or pens. + + Death at home's sin-stained threshold; honour's fall + Dislodging from her throne love's household pet, + And wan-faced purity a tyrant's thrall, + With wild eyes sorrow-wet. + + And unsexed women facing heated blasts + And Tophet fumes, and fluttering tongues of fire; + And virtue staked on most unholy casts, + And honour sold for hire: + + Squadrons and troops of girls of brazen air, + Tramping the tainted city to and fro, + With feverish flauntings veiling chill despair + And deeply-centred woe. + + So shape chased shape. I saw a neat-garbed nurse, + Wan with excessive work; and, bowed with toil, + A shop-girl sickly, of the primal curse + Each looked the helpless spoil. + + Anon I saw a lady, at night's fall + Stiller than chiseled marble, standing there; + A daughter of compassion, slender, tall, + And delicately fair. + + Her weariness with shame and with surprise + My spirit shocked: she turning on my face + The heavy glances of unrested eyes, + Spoke mildly in her place. + + "I have long duties; ask thou not my name + Some say I fret at a fair destiny. + Many I have to tend; to make my claim + Some venture: we shall see." + + "I trust, good lady, that in a fair field, + The case 'twixt you and tyranny will be tried," + I said; then turning promptly I appealed + To one who stood beside. + + She said, "Poor pay, and plenteous fines, and worse, + Made me rebel amidst my mates' applause. + To insubordination I'm averse, + But have I not good cause? + + "We are cut off from hope in our hard place, + Sweet factory? Ah, well, _our_ sweets are few. + We strike for justice. Man might show some grace, + I think, Sir; do not you?" + + Turning I saw, ranging a flowery pile, + One sitting in an entry dark and cold; + A girl with hectic cheeks, and hollow smile; + Wired roses there she sold, + + Or strove to sell; but often on her ear + The harrying voice of stern policedom struck, + And chased her from her vantage, till a tear + Fell at her "wretched luck." + + Again I saw a wan domestic drudge + Scuttering across a smug suburban lawn; + Tired with the nightly watch, the morning trudge, + The toil at early dawn. + + And then a frail and thin-clad governess, + Hurrying to daily misery through the rain. + Toiling, with scanty food, and scanty dress, + Long hours for little gain. + + Anon a spectral shop-girl creeping back + To her dull garret-home through the chill night, + Bowed, heart-sick, spirit-crushed, poor ill-paid hack + Of harsh commercial might! + + These I beheld, the world's sad woman-throng, + Work-ridden vassals of its Mammon-god, + Their destiny to creep and drudge along, + And kiss grief's chastening rod. + + And then I saw a spirit surface-fair, + A Mænad-masked betrayer, base, impure, + But with sin's glittering garb, and radiant air, + Gay laugh, and golden lure. + + It smiled, it beckoned--whither? To the abyss! + But of that throng how many may be drawn + By the gay glamour and the siren kiss + To where sin's soul-gulfs yawn? + + How many? No response my vision gave. + Make answer, if ye may, ye lords of gain! + Make answer, if ye know, ye chiders grave + Of late revolt, and vain! + + Dream of _Fair_ Women? Nay, for work and want + Mar maiden comeliness and matron grace. + Let sober judgment, clear of gush and cant, + The bitter problem face! + + * * * * * + +ERIN AVENGED.--The Irish champions, HAMILTON, PIM, and STOKER, have +won the "All-England" (it _should_ be All-Irish) Tennis Championship, +both Single and Double, beating the hitherto invincible Brothers +RENSHAW, and other lesser Lights of the Lawn. And now at Bisley the +Irish Team have, for the third time in succession, won the Elcho +Challenge Shield. The old caveat will have to be changed into "No +_non_-Irish need apply!" + + * * * * * + +QUITE THE NEWEST SONGS.--"_Over the Sparkling Serpentine_." By the +author and composer of "_Across the Still Lagoon_." "_Five Men in a +Cab_." By the ditto ditto of "_Three Men in a Boat_;" "_Hates Copper +Nightmare_" to follow "_Love's Golden Dream_;" and the "_General's +Dustpan_;" also, shortly; a companion song to the popular "_Admiral's +Broom_." + + * * * * * + +"A GATHERING OF THE CLAN."--According to _Debrett_, the Earl of +CLANCARTY (by the way, the Patent of Nobility granted to this family +in 1793, is consequently not a hundred years old) bears on his arms "A +Sun in splendour." The authority is too good to imagine for a moment +that this can be a misprint! + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Monday_.--Colney Hatch Hussars' Annual private Introspection. Balloon +rises at Chelsea. Sets to partners after midnight. + +_Tuesday_.--Beadle of Burlington Arcade's Copper Wedding Festivities +commence. Kangaroo Shooting in Fleet Street begins. + +_Wednesday_.--_Mr. Punch_ up and out with the lark. Afternoon +Fireworks on the Stock Exchange. Hippopotamus-washing in the +Serpentine commences. + +_Thursday_.--Billiard Championship contest in the Pool below London +Bridge. Cannons supplied by the Tower. Anniversary Festivity to +celebrate the Discovery of cheap Ginger Beer by the Chinese B.C. 3700. + +_Friday_.--Opening of the "Wash and Brush you up" Company's Automatic +Machine, by Prince HENRY of BATTENBERG. Total Eclipse of the Moon, +invisible at Herne Bay and Pekin. + +_Saturday_.--Tinned Oyster Season commences. Fancy Dress Ball at +Bedlam. Close time for Hyænas in Belgrave Square. + + * * * * * + +The Austrian Inventor, who has just designed his ship of a mile in +length that is to travel through the water at eighty-seven miles an +hour, and cross the Atlantic in something under a day and a half, is, +I am told, only waiting the requisite capital to enable him at once +to set about carrying his project into effect. Each vessel will be +provided with an Opera House a Cathedral, including a Bishop, who +will be one of the ship's salaried officers; a Circus, Cricket-ground, +Cemetery, Race-course, Gambling-saloon, and a couple of lines of +Electric Tram-cars. The total charge for board and transit will +be only 10s. 6d. a day, which will bring the fare to New York +to something like 16s. As it is calculated that at least 100,000 +passengers will cross the Atlantic on each journey, the financial +aspect of the whole concern seems sound. As I said before, the only +difficulty is the capital. Surely some enterprising Croesus who has +thirty millions lying idle in the Two-and-a-half per Cents, might look +at the matter. + + * * * * * + +"A SPORTING TIPSTER" writes:--"Perhaps you are not aware that _the_ +feature of next Season's Foot-ball will be the arrival of a strong +team of the Kajawee Cannibal Islanders, a ferocious race, who have +been instructed in the game by a celebrated Midland half-back. As in +practice they invariably, instead of a foot-ball, use a fresh human +head, and in a scrimmage leave half their number dead on the field, by +having recourse to the 'Kogo' or 'Spine Splitting Stroke,' introduced +from a local athletic game, some excitement will no doubt be +manifested in sporting circles when they meet the Clapham Rovers, as, +I believe, it is arranged they shall do at the Oval, early in November +next." + + * * * * * + +Hats of the style of the earliest portion of the Saxon Heptarchy +will _not_, after all, be seen in the Row during this Season, though +several male leaders of fashion are stated to have given orders for +them on an approved model. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WASTED EPIGRAM. + +"WHERE IS THE EVENING _GAZETTE_, WAITER?' + +"PLEASE, SIR, IT'S NOT YET _SEWN_." + +"_SOWN_, SIR! IT OUGHT TO HAVE _COME UP_!"] + + * * * * * + +MINE AND THINE. + + [In a recent case, a promoter of Gold Mining Companies + was asked if any of his Companies had ever paid a penny of + dividend. His answer was, "You cannot know much about gold + mines to ask such a question." He admitted, however, that he + himself had made some £50 000 out of them. "This," he said, + "is not profit; it is the realisation of property."] + + Take a patch of land in Africa and multiply by ten, + Then extract a ton of metal from an ounce or two of sand; + Write a roseate prospectus with a magnifying pen, + Making deserts flow with honey in a rich and smiling land. + + Take some crumbs of truth, and spread them with a covering of bosh, + And conceal them in a pie-crust labelled "Promises to pay"; + Hide away all dirty linen, or remove it home to wash, + And then begin the process which the wise ones call "Convey." + + Next collect a band of brothers, all inspired by one desire. + To subserve the public interest, single-hearted men and true; + Stuff with shares, and thus permit them in your kindness to acquire, + At a price, the vendor's property,--the vendor being you. + + Then, since _you_ must make a profit, call the public to your aid; + Let them give you all their money, which they think they only lend: + And of course you mustn't tell them, till the fools have safely paid, + Mines were made for sinking money, not for raising dividend. + + And the clergy bring their savings, the widows bring their store, + And they push to reach your presence, and they jostle and they fall, + And at last they pile their money in a heap before your door; + And, just to make them happy, you accept and keep it all. + + So you make your mine by begging--(modern miners never dig),-- + And you float a gorgeous Company. The shares go spinning up; + But you never "rig the market." (What an awkward word is "rig"!) + And you drain success in bumpers from an overflowing cup. + + Then one day the thing gets shaky, and it goes from bad to worse, + And the public grasps a shadow where it tried to hold a share; + And in vain the country clergy most unclerically curse, + _You_ have "realised your property," and end a millionnaire. + + * * * * * + +COMING SEA-SCRAPES AT CHELSEA. + +(_DRAWN BY AN INSIDER._) + +MR. PUNCH, SIR, + +That the sister Service should also have its turn at Chelsea I +reckon I can understand, and the Show ought to be popular; but if +the Admiralty want to make a further "exhibition" of themselves, they +won't have to go very far a-field for material. Here are one or two +exhibits that come to hand at once. First, there's those big guns +which it ain't safe to fire nohow, and which, if you do load with half +a charge, crack, bend, and get sent back to be "ringed" up, whatever +that means, and are not safe, even for a salute, ever afterwards. +Then, in another case, they might show a foot or two of that blessed +boiler-piping which is always leaking, or splitting, or bursting, just +when it shouldn't. In a third they might display a chop that had been +cooked from lying exposed in one of those famous stokeholes where +the poor beggars of sailors are expected to pass their time without +getting roasted too. Then there might be, as a sort of prize puzzle, +a plan of these here recent manoeuvres, with the Umpire's opinion +of the whole blessed jumble tacked on to it. Then, to enliven the +proceedings. Lord GEORGE might take his turn with the rest of the +Admiralty Board, and give us, every half hour or so, a figure or two +of the Hornpipe, just to let the public see that they have got some +sort of nautical "go" about them to warrant them in drawing their big +screw. Bless you, _Mr. Punch_, there's lots to make an Exhibition of +at Chelsea next year if you come to calculate. Leastways that's the +opinion of your humble servant and admirer, + +A TAX-PAYING LANDLUBBER. + + * * * * * + +ON GUARDS! + +THE BAD FORM OF THE PAST. + +[Illustration] + +There he stood in his evening dress, with a half-smoked cigarette +between his lips. He had been knocking about Piccadilly all day, +had dined at the Junior, looked in at the Opera, and finished at the +Steak. He seemed a civilian of civilians. The most casual observer +would have declared that he could never have seen the inside of a +barrack-yard. So no surprise was expressed when the question was asked +him. + +"What am I?" he repeated, languidly, and then he replied, with a yawn, +"Can't you see, old Chappie? Why, an Officer in the Guards!" + +THE GOOD FORM OF THE FUTURE. + +There he stood in his neat, serviceable undress uniform, with a cigar +between his lips. He had abandoned the swagger frogged coat and silk +sash for the unpretending patrol jacket of his brethren in the Line. +He had been hard at work all day in barracks, inspecting meals, +visiting the hospital, attending parades. He had paid his company +personally, had seen every man, and found that there were no +complaints. He had attended a mess meeting, and had dined at mess, +playing a rubber afterwards (sixpenny points) in the ante-room. +He knew as much about the internal economy of the Battalion as the +Colonel, the Adjutant, or the Sergeant-Major. He seemed a soldier of +soldiers. The most casual observer would have declared that he was +acquainted with every inch of the barrack-yard. So general surprise +was expressed when the question was asked him. + +"What am I?" he repeated, briskly; and then he replied, with a smile, +"Can't you see, stupid? Why, an Officer in the Guards!" + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT A GARDEN-PARTY. + + SCENE--_A London Lawn. A Band in a costume half-way between + the uniforms of a stage hussar and a circus groom, is + performing under a tree. Guests discovered slowly pacing the + turf, or standing and sitting about in groups._ + +_Mrs. Maynard Gery_ (_to her Brother-in-law--who is thoroughly aware +of her little weaknesses_). Oh, PHIL,--you know everybody--_do_ tell +me! Who is that common-looking, little man with the scrubby beard, and +the very yellow gloves--how does he come to be _here_? + +_Phil_. Where? Oh, I see him. Well--have you read _Sabrina's Uncle's +Other Niece?_ + +_Mrs. M.G._ No--_ought_ I to have? I never even heard of it! + +_Phil_. Really? I wonder at that--tremendous hit--you must order +it--though I doubt if you'll be able to get it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Oh, I shall _insist_ on having it. And _he_ wrote it? +Really, PHIL, now I come to look at him, there's something rather +striking about his face. Did you say _Sabrina's Niece's Other +Aunt_--or what? + +_Phil_. _Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece_ was what I _said_--not that it +signifies. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Oh, but I always attach the greatest importance to names, +myself. And do you know him? + +_Phil_. What, TABLETT? Oh, yes--decent little chap; not much to say +for himself, you know. + +_Mrs. M.G._ I don't mind _that_ when a man is _clever_--do you think +you could bring him up and introduce him? + +_Phil_. Oh, I _could_--but I won't answer for your not being +disappointed in him. + +_Mrs. M.G._ I have never been disappointed in any genius +_yet_--perhaps, because I don't expect too much--so go, dear boy; he +may be surrounded unless you get hold of him soon. [_PHIL obeys_. + +_Phil_ (_accosting the Scrubby Man_). Well, TABLETT, old fellow, how +are things going with you? _Sabrina_ flourishing? + +_Mr. Tablett_ (_enthusiastically_). It's a tremendous hit, my boy; +orders coming in so fast they don't know how to execute 'em--there's a +fortune in it, as I always told you! + +_Phil_. Capital!--but you've such luck. By the way, my sister-in-law +is most anxious to know you. + +_Mr. T._ (_flattered_). Very kind of her. I shall be delighted. I was +just thinking I felt quite a stranger here. + +_Phil_. Come along then, and I'll introduce you. If she asks you +to her parties by any chance, mind you go--sure to meet a lot of +interesting people. + +_Mr. T._ (_pulling up his collar_). Just what I enjoy--meeting +interesting people--the only society worth cultivating, to my mind, +Sir. Give me _intellect_--it's of more value than wealth! + + [_They go in search of Mrs. M.G._ + +_First Lady on Chair_. Look at the dear Vicar, getting that poor +Lady PAWPERSE an ice. What a very spiritual expression he has, to be +sure--really quite apostolic! + +_Second Lady_. We are not in his parish, but I have always heard him +spoken of as a most excellent man. + +_First Lady_. Excellent! My dear, that man is a perfect _Saint_! I +don't believe he knows what it is to have a single worldly thought! +And such trials as he has to bear, too! With that _dreadful_ wife of +his! + +_Second Lady_. That's the wife, isn't it?--the dowdy little woman, all +alone, over there? Dear me, what _could_ he have married her for? + +_First Lady_. Oh, for her _money_, of course, my dear! + +_Mrs. Pattallons_ (_to Mrs. ST. MARTIN SOMERVILLE_). Why, it really +_is_ you! I absolutely didn't know you at first. I was just thinking, +"Now who _is_ that young and lovely person coming along the path?" You +see--I came out without my glasses to-day, which accounts for it! + +_Mr. Chuck_ (_meeting a youthful Matron and Child_). Ah, Mrs. SHARPE, +how de do! _I'm_ all right. Hullo, TOTO, how are _you_, eh, young +lady? + +_Toto_ (_primly_). I'm very well indeed, thank you. (_With sudden +interest_). How's the idiot? Have you seen him lately? + +_Mr. C._ (_mystified_). The idiot, eh? Why, fact is, I don't _know_ +any idiot!--give you my word! + +_Toto_ (_impatiently_). Yes, you _do_--_you_ know. The one Mummy says +you're next door to--you must see him _sometimes_! You _did_ say Mr. +CHUCK was next door to an idiot, didn't you, Mummy? + + [_Tableau._ + +_Mrs. Prattleton_. Let me see--_did_ we have a fine Summer in '87? +Yes, of course--I always remember the weather by the clothes we wore, +and that June and July we wore scarcely anything--some filmy stuff +that belonged to one's ancestress, don't you know. _Such_ fun! By the +way, what has become of Lucy? + +_Mrs. St. Patticker_. Oh, I've quite lost sight of her lately--you +see she's so perfectly happy now, that she's ceased to be in the least +interesting! + +_Mrs. Hussiffe_ (_to Mr. DE MURE_). Perhaps _you_ can tell me of a +good coal merchant? The people who supply me now are perfect _fiends_, +and I really must go somewhere else. + +_Mr. De Mure_. Then I'm afraid you must be rather difficult to please. + + Mr. TABLETT _has been introduced to_ Mrs. MAYNARD GERY--_with + the following result_. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_enthusiastically_). I'm so delighted to make your +acquaintance. When my brother-in-law told me who you were, +I positively very nearly shrieked. I am such an admirer of +your--(_thinks she won't commit herself to the whole title--and +so compounds_)--your delightful _Sabrina_! + +_Mr. T._ Most gratified to hear it, I'm sure, I'm told there's a +growing demand for it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Such a hopeful sign--when one was beginning quite to +despair of the public taste! + +_Mr. T._ Well, I've always said--So long as you give the Public a +really first-rate article, and are prepared to spend any amount of +money on _pushing_ it, you know, you're sure to see a handsome return +for your outlay--in the long run. And you see, I've had this carefully +analysed, by competent judges-- + +_Mrs. M.G._ Ah, but _you_ can feel independent of criticism, can't +you? + +_Mr. T._ Oh, I defy anyone to find anything unwholesome in it--it's as +suitable for the most delicate child as it is for adults--nothing to +irritate the most sensitive-- + +_Mrs. M.G._ Ah, you mean certain critics are so thin-skinned--they are +indeed! + +_Mr. T._ (_warming to his subject_). But the beauty of this particular +composition is that it causes absolutely _no_ unpleasantness or +inconvenience afterwards. In some cases, indeed, it acts like a charm. +I've known of two cases of long-standing erysipelas it has completely +cured. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_rather at sea_). How gratifying that must be. But that +is the magic of all truly great work, it is such an _anodyne_--it +takes people so completely out of themselves--doesn't it? + +_Mr. T._ It takes anything of that sort out of _them_, Ma'am. It's the +finest discovery of the age, no household will be without it in a few +months--though perhaps I say it who shouldn't. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_still more astonished_). Oh, but I _like_ to hear you. +I'm so tired of hearing people pretending to disparage what they have +done, it's such a _pose_, and I hate posing. Real genius is _never_ +modest. (_If he had been more retiring, she would have, of course, +reversed this axiom_.) I _wish_ you would come and see me on one of +my Tuesdays, Mr. TABLETT, I should feel so honoured, and I think you +would meet some congenial spirits--do look in some evening--I will +send you a card if I may--let me see--could you come and lunch next +Sunday? I've got a little man coming who was very nearly eaten up by +cannibals. I think _he_ would interest you. + +_Mr. T._ I shall be proud to meet him. Er--did they eat _much_ of him? + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_who privately thinks this rather vulgar_). How _witty_ +you are! That's quite worthy of a--_Sabrina_, really! Then you _will_ +come? So glad. And now I mustn't keep you from your other admirers any +longer. [_She dismisses him_. + +LATER. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_to her Brother-in-law_). How _could_ you say that dear +Mr. TABLETT was _dull_, PHIL? I found him perfectly charming--so +original and unconventional! He's promised to come to me. By the way, +_what_ did you say the name of his book was? + +_Phil_. I never said he had written a book. + +_Mrs. M.G._ PHIL--you _did_!--_Sabrina's Other--Something_. Why, I've +been _praising_ it to him, entirely on your recommendation. + +_Phil_. No, no--_your_ mistake. I only asked you if you'd read +_Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece_, and, as I made up the title on the +spur of the moment, I should have been rather surprised if you had. +_He_ never wrote a line in his life. + +_Mrs. M.G._ How _abominable_ of you! But surely he's famous for +_something_? He talks like it. [_With reviving hope_. + +_Phil_. Oh, yes, he's the inventor and patentee of the new "Sabrina" +Soap--he says he'll make a fortune over it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ But he hasn't even done _that_ yet! PHIL, I'll _never_ +forgive you for letting me make such an idiot of myself. What _am_ +I to do now? I _can't_ have him coming to me--he's really too +impossible! + +_Phil_. Do? Oh, order some of the soap, and wash your hands of him, I +suppose--not that he isn't a good deal more presentable than some of +your lions, after all's said and done! + + [_Mrs. M.G., before she takes her leave, contrives to inform + Mr. TABLETT, with her prettiest penitence, that she has only + just recollected that her luncheon party is put off, and that + her Tuesdays are over for the Season. Directly she returns to + Town, she promises to let him hear from her; in the meantime, + he is not to think of troubling himself to call. So there is + no harm done, after all_. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +(_LAST WEEK OF OPERA._) + +[Illustration: Hamlet Personally Conducted.] + +_Monday_.--_Hamlet_. Music by AMBROISE THOMAS, and _libretto_ by +Messieurs CARRÉ and BARBIER, who seem to have read _Hamlet_ once +through, after which they wrote down as a _libretto_ what they +remembered, of the story. It would be difficult to mention any Opera +less dramatic than this. The question arises at once, adapting the +immortal phrase of JAMES LE SIFFLEUR, "Why lug in _Hamlet_?" Why +not have called it _Ophelia_? Whatever interest there may be in the +Opera--and there is very little--is centred entirely in _Ophelia_. +The _Ghost_ is utterly purposeless, but of distinguished appearance +as a robust spectre, marching in at one gate, and out at another, or +hiding behind a sofa, and popping up suddenly, in order to frighten +an equally purposeless _Hamlet._ Like father, like son. M. LASSALLE +is a fine, substantial, baritonial _Hamlet_, who is always posturing, +weeping, calling out _ma mère_, and blubbering on the ample matronly +bosom of his mother, Madame RICHARD ("O RICHARD! _O ma Reine_!") +like a big, blubbering, overgrown schoolboy. Were I inclined to +disquisitionise, I should say that Messieurs CARRÉ and BARBIER have +actually realised SHAKSPEARE's own description of his jelly-fleshed +hero, whose mind is as shaky as his well-covered body. _Hamlet_ +was--as SHAKSPEARE took care to emphasise--"fat, and scant of +breath"--which was the physical description of the actor who first +impersonated the leading _rôle_ of this play; and the French author's +idea of _Hamlet_ was, accordingly, a fat youth, very much out of +condition, home from Wittenberg College, in consequence of his +father's recent decease. + +[Illustration: Hamlet is out of it in the last Act. Why wasn't he +brought into the Ballet?] + +Some of the lighter musical portions of the Opera are charming, and +the Chorus at the end of Act I, might have been written by OFFENBACH. +But what is there of the story? Nothing. The King is not killed: the +Queen isn't poisoned: _Polonius_ is not stabbed behind the arras, +having been, perhaps, killed before the Opera commenced, since his +name appears in the book but not in the programme, and the only person +on the stage that I could possibly associate with that dear old +Lord Chamberlain was M. MIRANDA, who had donned a white beard and a +different robe from what he had been previously wearing as _Horatio_ +in the First and Second Acts, in order to enter and lead the King +away, in an interpolated and ineffective scene which was not in the +book. A very hard-working Opera for the principals, and a thankless +task. _Hamlet's_ drinking song fine, and finely sung. But the whole +point of the Opera is in the last Act, where there is a _ballet_ that +has nothing to do with the piece, but pretty to see little PALLADINO +in short white skirts, dancing merrily in a forest glade, among the +happy peasantry, to whom comes _Ophelia_, mad as several hatters, +and after a lunatic scene, charming, both musically and dramatically, +throws herself into the water, and dies singing. + +Here is a suggestion for the effective compression and reduction +of the Opera, and if my plan be accepted, DRURIOLANUS will earn the +eternal gratitude of those who would like to hear all that is good in +it, and to skip, as PALLADINO does, the rest. Thus:-- + +ACT I.--_Enter_ HAMLET. _Solo. Exit. Enter_ OPHELIA. _Solo. Re-enter_ +HAMLET. OPHELIA _and_ HAMLET _love-duet. Exit_ OPHELIA. HAMLET'S +_Friends come in, and he sings them a Drinking Song with Chorus. All +join in Chorus and Dance. Curtain_. + +[Illustration: An awkward moment for Hamlet. Row with his Mother and +Ophelia.] + +ACT II.--_Opening Chorus (anything; it doesn't matter if it's only +pretty and bright). Enter_ HAMLET. _Solo_. "_Être, ou ne pas être." +Enter_ OPHELIA _with book, pretends not to see_ HAMLET. _Solo. Enter_ +Queen. OPHELIA _complains to her that_ HAMLET _isn't behaving like +a gentleman._ Queen _upbraids_ HAMLET: _So does_ OPHELIA: HAMLET +_depressed, Exit_ Queen R.H. _Exit_ OPHELIA L.H. HAMLET _remains, +evidently going mad_. PALLADINO _looks in. Dances_. HAMLET _joins her. +Enter Friends, Courtiers, Peasants, and other Friends. All join in +ballet_, HAMLET _included. Enter_ Keepers, _and_ HAMLET _is taken off +to Hanwellhagen_. OPHELIA _rushes in, faints. Curtain_. + +ACT III.--_Meadows near Hanwellhagen, in Denmark. Dance of Lunatics, +out for a holiday. To them enter OPHELIA. All the charming music, +delightful, and, this being finished, she chucks herself away into the +stream. Curtain_. + +Great call for everybody concerned. And, if the above scheme be +adopted, the Opera would be over before eleven, having begun at nine. +I present this with my compliments to DRURIOLANUS and AMBROISE THOMAS; +and, if he is not "a doubting THOMAS," he will try this plan. + +The remainder of the week passed away happily, so I hear, but was not +able to be in my place, as I was at somebody else's place far, far +away. The Opera has been, from the first, a big success. Should like +to hear _Masaniello_ once again. Perhaps that is a treat in store for +all of us. Thus ends the Opera-goer's Diary for 1890, and everybody is +highly satisfied and delighted. Curtain. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL PARADOX. + + When Autumn comes, our womenfolk prepare + To grind the "old old tune" called "change of air." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MRS. HIGHFLYER'S DANCE, 2 A.M. + +"AH! IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR THE FOOTMEN,--AND IT'S ALL VERY WELL +FOR THE GALS,--BUT IT'S PRECIOUS 'ARD ON US COACHMEN AND THE PORE +MOTHERS!"] + + * * * * * + +"OUR TURN NOW!" + +_OR, MR. BULL AND THE WANDERING MINSTRELS._ + + _Mr. Bull_. Confound these Wandering Minstrels! Oh, the bore of them! + Only just settled with yon tow-hair'd fellow + Turning the corner, and behold two more of them, + Prepared to grind and tootle, blow and bellow, + Until I tip _them_ in a liberal fashion. + Upon my word, their noise is something shocking; + Enough to put a person in a passion. + Menaces slighting and remonstrance mocking, + They stand and twangle, tootle, grind, and gurgle + Their horrible cacophony. Find it funny, + Ye grinners? Might as well my mansion burgle, + As "row" me forcibly out of my money. + The Teuton tootler, being tipped, is "sloping," + Patting his pocket with a smile complacent. + The Gallic blower, for like treatment hoping, + Grins at the Portuguese who grinds adjacent. + What a _charivari_! Oh, I _must_ stop it! + I say, you rascal with the hurdy-gurdy, + More than enough of that vile shindy; drop it! + And you, my brazen, blatant, would-be VERDI, + Hush that confounded horn, or go and blow it + At--Jericho. _My_ walls you will not tumble + By windy shindy, and you ought to know it. + + _Horn-Player_. Bah! ze old hombogs! He sall growl and grumble + But he vill _pay_ ven it come to ze pinches; + I know him, ze cantankerous _vieux_ chappie. + Ze German yonder, vy he take ze inches, + And get ze Hel-igoland! Now he quite happy. + I do ze same. _Pom! Pom!_ Zat blast vos thunder! + How he do tear his hair and tvist his features. + He svear, but he vill vat you call "knock under." + + _Mr. Bull_. I say, you Portugee, smallest of creatures, + And noisiest for your size, shut up, and hook it! + + _Hurdy-gurdy_. _Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ Zey say zat ze old fool is + skveezable, + Melting in his own heat. Py gar, he _look_ it. + Ze Teuton yonder find zat he vas teaseable + Out of ze "tip," ze big _pour-boire_. He got him, + He go, he grin! Sall I not take ze hint too? + I get him too--_I_ go. But I no let him + Drive me away, as he did SERPA PINTO. + _Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ I see zat he no like ze grinding. + Soo mooch ze bettare! He sall give mooch money; + Ze _pour-boire_, someveres, he sall soon be finding, + If I keep on. Zeese Eenglish are so funny. + + _Tutto_. Ze money for ze Minstrels! Kvick! So sall you + Get rid of us. Like to ze artful gloser + In Mistare SEYMOUR'S sketch, _ve_ "know ze value + Of peace and kvie'ness." Pay us, ve go, Sir! [_Left tootling._ + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN PROPHET._) + +Am I going to Goodwood? I answer that question by another. Is it +likely that a race-meeting of any pretensions can possibly do without +one whom even his enemies acknowledge to be the only accurate and +high-minded sporting writer in the world? Those who care (and I +devoutly hope that Mr. J., whose brains equal those of a newly-born +tadpole, will not be amongst the number) can see me at any moment on +pronouncing the password, "mealy-mouth," in my old place, _close to +the space devoted to Royalty._ Yes, I shall be there. In the meantime, +I propose to treat of the horses as only I can treat of them. I have +nothing to say against _Pioneer_, except that the name promises very +well for one who means to lead the way. _Nous verrons_, as RACINE +said, on a celebrated occasion. As for _The Imp_, I cannot too +strongly lay it down that only blue devils are bad for the digestion, +and _Galloping Queen_ may gallop farther than or not so far as _Miss +Ethel_. A miss must be better than a mile to win. If _Theophilus_ were +_Formidable_, or if _Imogene_ possessed a _Grecian Bend_, it might be +necessary to sound _Reveille_ in _Rotten Row_, which would certainly +be a _Marvel_. Not being a roadster, I sometimes like _The Field_. + +The above information ought to be sufficient to guide anybody whose +brains are calculated to fill an egg-cup. All others may go to +Earlswood, where they will probably meet Mr. J. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUR TURN NOW!" + +FRANCE AND PORTUGAL (_who know the value of Peace and Quiet_). "YOU +GIVE GERMAN SOMESING,--HE GO VAY! YOU GIVE _US_ SOMESING,--_VE_ GO +VAY!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_BEFORE_ MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.) + +_AN ANGLO-INDIAN GENTLEMAN INTRODUCED._ + +[Illustration] + +_The Commissioner_. Well, Sir, What can I do for you? + +_Anglo-Indian_. I wish respectfully to call your attention, Sir, +to our case, which is now before a Parliamentary Committee. I am +an Indian Civil Servant. I am called a member of the Uncovenanted +Service, but I contend that such a term is a misnomer. Originally the +Uncovenanted Service consisted of Natives of India, who were employed, +without covenant, to do subordinate official work, under the direction +of the Covenanted Civil Service. The bulk of these persons were +overseers and tax-collectors. + +_The Com._ Has there been any alteration of late years? I see you lay +a stress upon _originally_. + +_Anglo-In._ At this moment there are in the Service, in one department +alone--the Educational--a Senior Classic, a Second Wrangler, several +other Wranglers, and many Fellows of Oxford and Cambridge, who took +high honours with their degrees. The Service now requires great +technical knowledge, as it has to deal with Archæology, Finance, +Geological Survey, Public Works, and Telegraphy, and can only be +entered by Europeans, who have been selected by nomination, or after +competition, either by the Secretary of State for India, or the +Government of India. It is not an Uncovenanted Service, as we now +enter it with the prospect of pension; and one of our grievances +is, that that prospect has become less favourable through the recent +action of our employers. + +_The Com._ Be kind enough to explain. + +_Anglo-In._ Certainly, Sir. When we entered the Service our pension, +after serving thirty years, was stated by the Secretary of State to +be £500. Naturally this was taken to mean gold, but because years ago +the Service consisted of Natives, the Government hit upon the plan of +paying us in silver, which at the present rate means a loss of £150 in +the £500. + +_The Com._ Are the members of the other Indian Services, Civil and +Military, treated in like manner? + +_Anglo-In._ No, they are paid their pensions in gold. + +_The Com._ Well, considering the class of men who now enter your +Service I do not see why you should be put at so great a disadvantage. +Have you any other grievances? + +_Anglo-In._ Well, thirty years is a long time to have to serve in a +climate as trying as the tropics, especially when we are not allowed +to count furlough as service. + +_The Com._ I think so, too. Then I may sum up your grievances thus. +You are educated men, and therefore deserve fair treatment. You +would consider fair treatment, payment of pensions in gold, and the +lessening of the years of service necessary to earn the right of +retirement? + +_Anglo-In._ Exactly, Sir; and I cannot thank you sufficiently for +putting our case so plainly. + +_The Com._ Not at all. Should you receive no redress within a +reasonable time, you may mention the matter to me again. + + [_The Witness with a grateful bow then withdrew_. + + * * * * * + +THE SHADOW OF A CASE! + +(_TO THE EDITOR OF PUNCH._) + +DEAR SIR,--As the leading forensic journal of this great country (your +contemporary _Weekly Notes_ runs you pretty close occasionally in some +of its reports), I address you. It was my painful duty a few days ago +(I had to "take a note" for a colleague, an occupation more honourable +than lucrative), to be present at a cause that was heard before the +President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High +Court of Justice and a Special Jury. The trial created considerable +interest, not only amongst the general public, but amongst that branch +of our honourable Profession represented by the Junior Bar, no doubt, +because certain points of law, not easily recognisable--I frankly +confess, I myself, am unable to recount them--were no doubt in +question, and had to be decided by competent authority. The Counsel +directly engaged were some of the brightest ornaments of Silk and +Stuff. Amongst the rest were my eloquent and learned friend, Sir +CHARLES RUSSELL, my erudite and learned friend Mr. INDERWICK (whose +_Side-lights upon the Stuarts_, is a marvel of antiquarian research), +and my mirth-compelling and learned friend Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, +whose law is only equalled (if, indeed, it is equalled) by his comic +draughtmanship. As the details of the trial have been fully reported, +there is no necessity to go into particulars. However, there was a +feature in the case that the passing notice of an article in one or +more of the leading journals is scarcely sufficient to meet. + +It was proved that the detective part of divorce (if I may use the +expression) may be conducted in a fashion, to say the least, of not +the most entirely satisfactory character. A talented family were +called before us, whose performances were, from one point of view, +extremely amusing. But, Sir, although (as you will be the first to +admit) laughter is a most excellent thing in its proper place, the +sound of cachinnation is seldom pleasing in the Divorce Court. Under +these circumstances I would propose that, in future, Divorce Shadowing +should be put under the protection of the State. There should be a +special department, and the Shadowers should be of the distinguished +position of Mr. MCDOUGALL of the London County Council, and the like. +The office of the rank and file of the Shadowers should be honorary, +as the pleasure of following in (possibly) unsavoury steps in the +cause of virtue, would be to them, I presume, ample reward for any +trouble the labour might entail. I would willingly myself undertake +the responsibilities attaching to the post of Director-General, of +course on the understanding that a suitable provision were made, not +only as compensation for the loss of my practice, but also that I +might perform the duties of the office with suitable dignity. But when +I say this, I would add, that I should reserve to myself the right of +seeking the supplementary services of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, +and Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, as assessors in assisting me to +distinguish between innocence and vice, and guilt and virtue. + +Believe me, with an expression of all necessary respect for "the +Nobility" connected with the case to which I have referred, and +admiration for the courage of a certain Militiaman, exhibited by his +entering the witness-box, and there facing the cross-examination he so +richly deserved, I remain, Yours truly, + +(_Signed_) A BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + +_Pump-handle Court, July 29, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Poet and Prophet are nearly allied. Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN is an +illustration of this, in his recently published _English Lyrics_ +(MACMILLAN) all of which he must have written in utter ignorance +of the doings of the Chairman of the County Council. Yet, hath the +Prophetic Poet these lines:-- + + "Primrose, why do you pass away?" + +And the Primrose's return: + + "Nay, rather, why should we longer stay?" + +But the Conservative bias of the Poet is shown in the next line: + + "_We_ are not needed," &c. + +The commencement of the poem, however, as here quoted, is evidently an +inspiration for which the Poet was not responsible. It is a charming +little volume of charming verse. It is good poetic wine, which +needs not the bush provided by Mr. WILLIAM WATSON in the shape of a +thickset introduction. What, asks W.W., is the attitude of ALFRED +AUSTIN towards Nature? This recalls a well-known scene in _Nicholas +Nickleby_--"She's a rum 'un, is Natur'," said _Mr. Squeers_. "She +is a holy thing, Sir," remarked _Mr. Snawley_. "Natur'," said _Mr. +Squeers_, solemnly, "is more easier conceived than described. Oh, +what a blessed thing, Sir, to be in a state of natur'!" And these +observations of Messrs. _Snawley_ and _Squeers_ pretty accurately sum +up all that the ingenious WILLIAM WATSON has to say about Natur' and +ALFRED AUSTIN. The moral of which lies in the application of it, which +is,--skip the preface, and make plunge into the poetry. + +A good deal has been written in olden time and of late about the +Oberammergau Passion Play. Nothing has been better done than the +work by Mr. EDWARD R. RUSSELL, formerly M.P. for Glasgae, who visited +Oberammergau this year. His account is instinct with keen criticism, +fine feeling, and reasoning reverence. Moreover, whilst other works +are padded out into bulky volumes, he says all that need be said in +fifteen pages of a pleasantly-printed booklet--price sixpence. It is +a reprint from letters which the errant Editor contributed to his +journal, the _Liverpool Daily Post_, at the sign of which copies may +be had. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +Art's Friends and Foe! + + TATE, WALLACE, AGNEW! Here be three good names, + Friends of true Art, and furtherers of her aims; + Munificence but waits to take sound shape; + Say, shall it be frustrated by--Red Tape? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BUZZY TIME FOR THE MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE. + +{Persons interested should secure the Government paper containing +all the information in regard to the Hessian Fly, and other injurious +insects and fungi.}] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE CHURCH-GOING BELL." + +SUNDAY MORNING, COAST OF NORWAY. + +(_By Our Yotting Artist._)] + + * * * * * + +JOHNNY, MAKE ROOM FOR DELONCLE! + +(_NEW NORTH AFRICAN VERSION OF AN OLD SONG._) + + "M. DELONCLE, in his conversation with a Belgian reporter, + puts in a claim for practically the whole of the northern + half of Africa, with the possible exception of Egypt."--_The + Times_. + + AIR--"_Tommy, make room for your Uncle_." + + _Deputy_ DELONCLE (_addressing_ JOHNNY BULL) _sings_:-- + + Nothing but deserts now left for France! + Hang it! That _will_ not do! + Therefore DELONCLE her claims must advance, + Mighty they are, nor few. + Right from Oubanghi unto Lake Tchad, + Through Wadai and Ba-gir-mi! + JOHNNY, my lad, I shall be glad + If you'll make room for ME! + + _Chorus_. + + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE, + There's a little dear! + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE, + He wants to stay here. + He needs the whole of North Africa! + (The rest he may leave to you), + Do not annoy, there's a good boy! + Make room for DELONCLE, do! + + To So-ko-to and the Gan-do, + Your claims you must resign. + If France goes far from Zanzibar, + _I_'ll draw a new boundary line. + To the east of the Niger by latitude ten! + That is our mi-ni-_mum_! + Ours the Sahara! Yes, _che sarà sarà!_ + Therefore don't _you_ look glum! + + _Chorus_. + + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE! + The Niger is ours, that's clear. + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE! + He doesn't want _you_ here. + France must take up her traditional _rôle_ + (Of grabbing all she _can_ do) + So, JOHNNY, my boy, don't you annoy; + Make room for DELONCLE, _do_! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM + +THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 21.--RITCHIE got another Bill +through; not a measure of high imperial policy; nothing to do either +with Heligoland or Zanzibar; only proposes to improve in various +ways the dwellings of the industrial classes. Still, as JOKIM has +shown in connection with one or two of his little Bills, it is +quite possible nearly to wreck a Ministry even on matter-of-fact +business arrangements. But RITCHIE isn't JOKIM, and so his Bill +passes to-night, taking two steps at a time, both sides uniting in +congratulation and cheers. WALTER FOSTER, rising, salutes the Minister +with a quite touching bless-you-my-child attitude. FOSTER rather +hints that the Bill everyone is so pleased with, is really his. True, +RITCHIE'S name is on back, and he took charge of it in its passage +through Committee and House. But the real man was FOSTER; his +Amendments had made the Bill; he had moulded it in Committee, and now +here he was to give it his blessing. Rather delicate position; sort of +cracking up himself, which FOSTER would not do for the world; blushed +a little, as he praised the Bill; otherwise accomplished his task with +ease and grace, whilst RITCHIE, listening, twitched his eyebrows, and +thought unutterable things. + +"I wish," said OLD MORALITY, "we had an embarrassment of RITCHIES, or +even two or three more like him." + +OLD MORALITY been rather worried to-night; a hail-storm of questions +on all sorts of subjects; amongst others, TIM HEALY and WILFRID +LAWSON badgering him about the Local Taxation Bill. When is it really +intended to take it? LAWSON asks OLD MORALITY back at the table again +for twentieth time; literally gasping for breath; looked round House +with anguished expression; then happy thought strikes him; "Mr. +SPEAKER, Sir," he says, "it is really impossible to do more than one +thing at a time." + +The pathetic earnestness with which this axiom was advanced, the +sudden swift spasm of conviction that had flashed it across his mind, +his certainty of the soundness of the assertion (paradoxical though +it might appear), and his hasty, anxious glance below the Gangway +opposite, apprehensive that that quarter would peradventure furnish +a person capable of controverting it, all filled the House with keen +delight. Laughed for full sixty seconds by Westminster clock; OLD +MORALITY standing at table looking round and wondering what on earth +he'd said now. + +_Business done._--Census Bills read Second Time. + +_Tuesday_.--Pretty quiet sitting, till DIMSDALE craftily crept upon +the scene. Don't often hear from this distinguished member of the +Order of Noble Barons; generally content to serve his country by +voting for the Government. To-night stirred in sluggish depths +by omission of Government in preparing Census Bill to provide for +Religious Census; so the Noble Baron moves Amendment designed to +authorise Religious Census. Opposition Benches nearly empty; those +present listen listlessly; know it's all right; Government are pledged +against Religious Census; no harm in the Noble Baron moving his +Amendment and making his speech; the Bill as introduced is safe. + +[Illustration: Another Noble Baron.] + +Then up gets RITCHIE; drops remark, in off-hand manner, as if it did +not signify, that Members on Ministerial side are free to vote as they +please. Sudden change of attitude in Opposition Benches. Listlessness +vanishes; a whisper of treachery goes round; CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN makes +hot protest; HARCOURT sent for; comes in gleefully; matters been going +so quietly, place unbearable for him; now a row imminent, HARCOURT +joyously returns to Front Bench. Seats fill up on both sides; OLD +MORALITY hurries in; situation explained to him; dolefully shakes his +head; HARCOURT thunders denunciation of a Ministry that plays fast +and loose with House; then OLD MORALITY gets up, and publicly abjures +DIMSDALE and his Amendment. It was, he explained, only RITCHIE'S fun +in saying Ministerialists were free to vote as they pleased on this +matter. The Government were against the Amendment, and of course good +Ministerialists would vote with Ministers. So they did, and DIMSDALE'S +rising hopes crushed by majority of 288 against 69. + +_Business done._--English Census Bill passed through Committee. + +_Wednesday_.--Came across NICHOLAS WOOD in remote corner of Corridor; +had the depressed look familiar when he has been wrestling with great +mental problems and finds himself worsted. + +"What's the matter now, NICHOLAS? Thinking over what OLD MORALITY said +yesterday about impossibility of doing more than one thing at a time?" + +"No, TOBY," he said, wearily; "it's not that; gave that up at once. +OLD MORALITY's a good fellow, but he's too subtle for me. It's this +Police Question that bothers me; give up a good deal of time to +mastering it. Sort of thing seemed likely to suit me; heard all +MATTHEWS' speeches; tried to follow CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM; courted +CONYBEARE'S company, and pursued PICKERSGILL with inquiries. Thought +I'd got a pretty clear notion of what it all meant; and now it turns +out all to have led up to making PULESTON Constable of Carnarvon. +Never heard his name before in connection with the Police Question. +He took no part in discussions; had nothing to do with it I ever heard +of; just when I was comfortably getting on another tack, the whole +question centres on PULESTON. It seems _he_ was the Police Question, +and now he's Constable of Carnarvon. Why Carnarvon? Why not stationed +in the Lobby or the Central Hall where he would be with old friends? +Suppose he'll wear a blue coat, bright buttons, and a belt, and will +shadow LOYD-GEORGE who now sits for Carnarvon? If you write to him +must you address your letters "P.C. PULESTON"? and shall we have to +change refrain of our latest National Hymn? instead of singing '_Ask +a Policeman?_' shall we have to chant 'Ask a PULESTON?' These are the +new problems; suddenly rushed in, bothering me to death when I thought +I'd got pretty well through Session, Recess close at hand and no +more difficult points coming up. Don't think, TOBY, I was cut out for +politics; perhaps I take them too seriously; but like to know things, +and there are so many things to know." + +Try to cheer up NICHOLAS; suggest to him that he should put his +questions down on the paper; might address them to FERGUSON; a +little out of the way of Foreign Affairs; but a conversation publicly +conducted between NICHOLAS and FERGUSON would be interesting. + +_Business done._--Votes in Supply. + +_Friday_.--House in rather strange condition to-night; things all +sevens and sixes; Motion is that Anglo-German Agreement Bill be read +Second Time. Opinion very mixed on merits of measure; on the whole, +no particular objection to it, even though with it goes Heligoland. +Still, an Opposition must oppose; but where is the Opposition? Mr. G. +came down last night; said he'd no particular objection to Treaty, but +didn't like the process of confirming it; so publicly washed his hands +of the business. Since the announcement appeared in papers, HERBERT +tells me his illustrious father's life has been a burden to him. Every +post brings him letters from rival advertising soap manufacturers, +making overtures of business transactions. + +"Sir," runs one of these epistles, "alluding to your statement in the +House of Commons last night that you publicly washed your hands of +participation in the Anglo-German Treaty, would you have any objection +to our stating that the substance used was our celebrated Salubrious +Savon? Anticipating your favourable reply, we assume that you would +have no objection to our publishing a portrait of you using our soap, +with its familiar label, 'Does not wash collars.' We have only to add +that in the event of your favourably accepting this suggestion, we +shall esteem it a favour to be allowed to gratuitously supply you and +your family with specimens of our art for the term of your natural +lives." + +[Illustration: The British Constitution.] + +This is merely an incident in the struggle, illustrating one of the +embarrassments it has evolved. Only man thoroughly happy is HARCOURT. +He invented the line of attack on ground of breach of constitutional +usages; put up Mr. G. to make his speech; supplied him with +authorities, and in supplementary speech amazed House with his +erudition. Made stupendous speech last night; literally gorged the +House; to-night picks up fragments and provides another feast: six +baskets wouldn't hold it. + +"Wish, TOBY, dear boy," he said, sinking back in his seat after +delivering his second speech, cunningly grafted on an Amendment, "we +could carry this over next week. I could easily make a speech a day. +Remember when I was once in Ireland, asked a tenant how he liked the +new agent, who was reputed to be very able business man. 'Well,' +said my acquaintance, 'I don't know about his business daylings, but +for blasphaymious language, he's _au revoir_.' On constitutional +questions, TOBY, I may, with all modesty, say I'm _au revoir_." + +_Business done._--Anglo-German Treaty agreed to. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. + +"_She is never at a loss for a clever answer;_" i.e., "A cat whose +claws are always out." + +"_A little stand-offish to strangers, but wonderfully winning when one +really knows him;_" i.e., "Which one need never do, thank goodness!" + +LEGAL. + +"_As your Lordship pleases;_" i.e., "As a Judge, you are a stupid, +self-sufficient dolt; but so long as my client, the solicitor, gets +his costs, it doesn't matter a jot to me or him _what_ you decide!" + +"_With your Lordship's permission, my Junior will settle the +minutes;_" i.e., "And so save us both the trouble of apportioning, in +the customary perfunctory fashion, the oyster to the solicitors, and +the shells to the clients." + +IN THE SMOKING-ROOM. + +"_You don't mind my telling you exactly where I think you're wrong?_" +i.e., "You obviously want setting down, and I may as well do it." + +"_Do you mind just stating that over again?_" i.e., "While I think of +something to say in reply." + +"_Of course you know more about the subject than I do;_" i.e., "I am +pretty sure you never gave it a thought till this minute." + +"_If you care for my candid opinion;_" i.e., "I am now about to be +annoying, and perhaps rude." + +"_All right, I'm not deaf!_" i.e., "Keep your confounded temper." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99., August 2, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12323-8.txt or 12323-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/3/2/12323/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99., August 2, 1890. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 11, 2004 [EBook #12323] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 2, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" + id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/49-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A "SCENE" IN THE HIGHLANDS.</h3><i>Ill-used Husband</i> + (<i>under the Bed</i>). "AYE! YE MAY CRACK ME, AND YE MAY + THRASH ME, BUT YE CANNA BREAK MY MANLY SPERRIT. I'LL NA + COME OOT!!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PUNCH TO THE SECOND BATTALION.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"—JUVENAL.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You're off, boys, to Bermuda</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Like</i> "the Bermoothes," + "vexed").</p> + + <p>The Guards rebel? <i>Proh pudor!</i></p> + + <p class="i2">What next—and next—and + next?</p> + + <p>Who'll guard the Guards, if they guard not</p> + + <p>The fame they should revere?</p> + + <p>Fie on the row, row, row, row,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the British Grenadier!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your <i>Punch</i> is sorry for you,</p> + + <p class="i2">And for these lads "in quod;"</p> + + <p>But Discipline's a parent</p> + + <p class="i2">That <i>must</i> not spare the rod.</p> + + <p>May you right soon redeem your name,</p> + + <p class="i2">And no more may <i>Punch</i> hear</p> + + <p>Of the row, row, row, row, row, row,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the British Grenadier!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>If</i> you have been o'er-worried</p> + + <p class="i2">By ultra-Martinet;</p> + + <p>Into unwisdom hurried,</p> + + <p class="i2">Be sure Bull won't forget.</p> + + <p>But England's Redcoats must <i>not</i> ape</p> + + <p class="i2">The Hyde Park howl, that's clear;</p> + + <p>So no more row, row, row, row,</p> + + <p class="i2">From the British Grenadier!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT'S AMERICAN ACQUAINTANCE.</h2> + + <p>My akwaintance among eminent selebraties seems to be rapidly + encreasing. Within what <i>Amlet</i> calls a week, a little + week, after my larst intervue with the emenent young Swell as + amost lost his art to the pretty Bridesmade, I have been onored + with the most cordial notice of a werry emenent Amerrycane, who + cums to Lundon wunce ewery year, and makes a good long stay, + and allus cums to one or other of our Grand Otels. He says he's + taken quite a fansy to me, and for this most singler reason. He + says as I'm the ony Englishman as he has ewer known who can + allus giv a answer rite off to ewery question as he arsks me! + So much so, that he says as how as I ort to be apinted the + Guide, Feelosofer, and Frend of ewery one of the many Wisiters + as we allus has a staying here!</p> + + <p>Well, all I can say is, that if I affords the heminent + Amerrycane jest about harf the fun and emusement as he does me, + I must be a much cleverer feller than I ewer thort myself, or + than my better harf ewer told me as I was. Ah, wouldn't he jest + make her stare a bit if she herd sum of his most owdacious + sayings. Why, he acshally says, that the hole system of + marrying for life is all a mistake, and not consistent with our + changable nature! And that we ort to take our Wives on lease, + as we does our houses, wiz., for sewen or fourteen years, and + that in a great majority of cases they woud both be preshus + glad when the end of the lease came! And he tries werry hard to + make me bleeve, tho in course he doesn't succeed, that in one + part of his grate and staggering Country, ewerybody does jest + as he likes in these rayther himportant matters, and has jest + as many Wives as he can afford to keep, and that the King of + that place has about a dozen of 'em! Ah, if you wants to hear a + reel downright staggerer as nobody carnt posserbly bleeve, + don't "ask the Pleaceman," but arsk an Amerrycane!</p> + + <p>He wanted werry much to go to Brighton, and see our new + Grand Metropole Otel opened last Satterday; so I spoke to our + most gentlemanly Manager, and he gave him a ticket that took + him down first-class, and brort him back, and took him into the + Otel, and supplied him with heverythink as art coud wish for, + or supply, and as much Shampane as he could posserbly + drink—and, when there ain't nothink to pay for it, it's + reelly estonishing what a quantity a gennelman can dispose + of—; and the way in which he afterwards told me as he + showed his grattitude for what he called a reel first-class + heavening's enjoyment was, to engage a delicious little sweet + of apartments for a fortnite, so we shall see him no more for + that length of time. He told me as he had seen all the great + Otels of Urope and Amerrykey, but he was obligated to confess, + in his own emphatic langwidge, that the Brighton Metropole + "licked all creation!" I didn't quite understand him, but I've + no doubt it was intended as rayther complimentary. He rayther + staggered me by asking what it cost, but I was reddy with my + anser, and boldly said, jest exacly a quarter of a million.</p> + + <p>He told me that, in his own grand country, he was ginerally + regarded as a werry truthful man, which, of course, I was + pleased to hear, for sum of his statements was that staggering + as wood have made me dowt it in a feller-countryman. For + hinstance, he acshally tried to make me bleeve that his Country + is about 20 times as big as ours! Well, in course, common + politeness made me pretend to bleeve him, speshally as he's + remarkable liberal to me, as most of his countrymen is, but I + coudn't help thinking as it woud have been wiser of him if he + had made his werry long Bow jest a leetle shorter. He's a + remarkabel fine-looking gennelman, and his manners quite comes + up to my description. ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A LYRIC FOR LOWESTOFT.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mr. HENRY IRVING is studying for his new piece at + Lowestoft.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/49-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Henry Irving, will the Master feel the fierce and + bracing breeze,</p> + + <p>As you wander by the margin of the restless Eastern + seas?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Save the seagull slowly swirling none shall hear the + tale of woe,</p> + + <p>Learn how dark the life that ended in the fatal + "Kelpie's Flow."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Mid the murmur of the ocean you will tell how + <i>Edgar</i> felt</p> + + <p>When his <i>Lucy</i> broke her troth-plight, and he + flung down <i>Craigengelt</i>,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fitting place for actor's study, all that long and + lonely shore;</p> + + <p>Yonder point methinks as Wolf's Crag should be known + for evermore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Henceforth will the place be haunted when the + midnight hour draws nigh:</p> + + <p>Men shall see the Master standing stern against the + stormy sky.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Faint, impalpable as shadow from the cloudland, + <i>Lucy</i> there</p> + + <p>Shall keep tryst; the moon's effulgence not more + golden than her hair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And, in coming nights of Autumn, when the vast + Lyceum rings</p> + + <p>With reverberating plaudits, and the town thy + praises sings,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Memories of the sands at Lowestoft shall be with you + ere you sleep;</p> + + <p>In your ears once more shall echo diapason of the + deep.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" + id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>A DREAM OF UNFAIRLY-TREATED WOMEN.</h2>(<i>A Long Way + After the Laureate.</i>) + <a href="images/50.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/50.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I read, before my eyelids dropt their shade,</p> + + <p class="i2">A leader on weak women and their woe,</p> + + <p>In toil and industry, in art and trade,</p> + + <p class="i2">In this hard world below.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And for awhile the thought of the sad part</p> + + <p class="i2">Played by them and of Fate's ill-balanced + scales,</p> + + <p>Moistened mine eyelids, and made ache mine + heart,</p> + + <p class="i2">Remembering these strange tales</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of woman's miseries in every land,</p> + + <p class="i2">I saw wherever poverty draws breath</p> + + <p>Woman and anguish walking hand in hand,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dreary road to death.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those pallid sempstresses of HOOD'S great song</p> + + <p class="i2">Peopled the hollow dark, not now + alone,</p> + + <p>And I heard sounds of insult, shame, and wrong,</p> + + <p class="i2">And grief's sad monotone,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From hearts, like flints, beaten by tyrant + hoofs;</p> + + <p class="i2">And I saw crowds in sombre + sweating-dens,</p> + + <p>With reeking walls and dank and dripping + roofs—</p> + + <p class="i2">Fit scarce for styes or pens.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Death at home's sin-stained threshold; honour's + fall</p> + + <p class="i2">Dislodging from her throne love's + household pet,</p> + + <p>And wan-faced purity a tyrant's thrall,</p> + + <p class="i2">With wild eyes sorrow-wet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And unsexed women facing heated blasts</p> + + <p class="i2">And Tophet fumes, and fluttering tongues + of fire;</p> + + <p>And virtue staked on most unholy casts,</p> + + <p class="i2">And honour sold for hire:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Squadrons and troops of girls of brazen air,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tramping the tainted city to and fro,</p> + + <p>With feverish flauntings veiling chill despair</p> + + <p class="i2">And deeply-centred woe.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So shape chased shape. I saw a neat-garbed + nurse,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wan with excessive work; and, bowed with + toil,</p> + + <p>A shop-girl sickly, of the primal curse</p> + + <p class="i2">Each looked the helpless spoil.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Anon I saw a lady, at night's fall</p> + + <p class="i2">Stiller than chiseled marble, standing + there;</p> + + <p>A daughter of compassion, slender, tall,</p> + + <p class="i2">And delicately fair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her weariness with shame and with surprise</p> + + <p class="i2">My spirit shocked: she turning on my + face</p> + + <p>The heavy glances of unrested eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Spoke mildly in her place.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I have long duties; ask thou not my name</p> + + <p class="i2">Some say I fret at a fair destiny.</p> + + <p>Many I have to tend; to make my claim</p> + + <p class="i2">Some venture: we shall see."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I trust, good lady, that in a fair field,</p> + + <p class="i2">The case 'twixt you and tyranny will be + tried,"</p> + + <p>I said; then turning promptly I appealed</p> + + <p class="i2">To one who stood beside.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She said, "Poor pay, and plenteous fines, and + worse,</p> + + <p class="i2">Made me rebel amidst my mates' + applause.</p> + + <p>To insubordination I'm averse,</p> + + <p class="i2">But have I not good cause?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"We are cut off from hope in our hard place,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sweet factory? Ah, well, <i>our</i> + sweets are few.</p> + + <p>We strike for justice. Man might show some + grace,</p> + + <p class="i2">I think, Sir; do not you?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Turning I saw, ranging a flowery pile,</p> + + <p class="i2">One sitting in an entry dark and + cold;</p> + + <p>A girl with hectic cheeks, and hollow smile;</p> + + <p class="i2">Wired roses there she sold,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or strove to sell; but often on her ear</p> + + <p class="i2">The harrying voice of stern policedom + struck,</p> + + <p>And chased her from her vantage, till a tear</p> + + <p class="i2">Fell at her "wretched luck."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Again I saw a wan domestic drudge</p> + + <p class="i2">Scuttering across a smug suburban + lawn;</p> + + <p>Tired with the nightly watch, the morning + trudge,</p> + + <p class="i2">The toil at early dawn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then a frail and thin-clad governess,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hurrying to daily misery through the + rain.</p> + + <p>Toiling, with scanty food, and scanty dress,</p> + + <p class="i2">Long hours for little gain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Anon a spectral shop-girl creeping back</p> + + <p class="i2">To her dull garret-home through the chill + night,</p> + + <p>Bowed, heart-sick, spirit-crushed, poor ill-paid + hack</p> + + <p class="i2">Of harsh commercial might!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These I beheld, the world's sad woman-throng,</p> + + <p class="i2">Work-ridden vassals of its + Mammon-god,</p> + + <p>Their destiny to creep and drudge along,</p> + + <p class="i2">And kiss grief's chastening rod.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then I saw a spirit surface-fair,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Mænad-masked betrayer, base, + impure,</p> + + <p>But with sin's glittering garb, and radiant air,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gay laugh, and golden lure.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It smiled, it beckoned—whither? To the + abyss!</p> + + <p class="i2">But of that throng how many may be + drawn</p> + + <p>By the gay glamour and the siren kiss</p> + + <p class="i2">To where sin's soul-gulfs yawn?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How many? No response my vision gave.</p> + + <p class="i2">Make answer, if ye may, ye lords of + gain!</p> + + <p>Make answer, if ye know, ye chiders grave</p> + + <p class="i2">Of late revolt, and vain!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dream of <i>Fair</i> Women? Nay, for work and + want</p> + + <p class="i2">Mar maiden comeliness and matron + grace.</p> + + <p>Let sober judgment, clear of gush and cant,</p> + + <p class="i2">The bitter problem face!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ERIN AVENGED.—The Irish champions, HAMILTON, PIM, and + STOKER, have won the "All-England" (it <i>should</i> be + All-Irish) Tennis Championship, both Single and Double, beating + the hitherto invincible Brothers RENSHAW, and other lesser + Lights of the Lawn. And now at Bisley the Irish Team have, for + the third time in succession, won the Elcho Challenge Shield. + The old caveat will have to be changed into "No + <i>non</i>-Irish need apply!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUITE THE NEWEST SONGS.—"<i>Over the Sparkling + Serpentine</i>." By the author and composer of "<i>Across the + Still Lagoon</i>." "<i>Five Men in a Cab</i>." By the ditto + ditto of "<i>Three Men in a Boat</i>;" "<i>Hates Copper + Nightmare</i>" to follow "<i>Love's Golden Dream</i>;" and the + "<i>General's Dustpan</i>;" also, shortly; a companion song to + the popular "<i>Admiral's Broom</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"A GATHERING OF THE CLAN."—According to + <i>Debrett</i>, the Earl of CLANCARTY (by the way, the Patent + of Nobility granted to this family in 1793, is consequently not + a hundred years old) bears on his arms "A Sun in splendour." + The authority is too good to imagine for a moment that this can + be a misprint!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" + id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Colney Hatch Hussars' Annual private + Introspection. Balloon rises at Chelsea. Sets to partners after + midnight.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Beadle of Burlington Arcade's Copper + Wedding Festivities commence. Kangaroo Shooting in Fleet Street + begins.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—<i>Mr. Punch</i> up and out with the + lark. Afternoon Fireworks on the Stock Exchange. + Hippopotamus-washing in the Serpentine commences.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Billiard Championship contest in the + Pool below London Bridge. Cannons supplied by the Tower. + Anniversary Festivity to celebrate the Discovery of cheap + Ginger Beer by the Chinese B.C. 3700.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Opening of the "Wash and Brush you up" + Company's Automatic Machine, by Prince HENRY of BATTENBERG. + Total Eclipse of the Moon, invisible at Herne Bay and + Pekin.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Tinned Oyster Season commences. Fancy + Dress Ball at Bedlam. Close time for Hyænas in Belgrave + Square.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Austrian Inventor, who has just designed his ship of a + mile in length that is to travel through the water at + eighty-seven miles an hour, and cross the Atlantic in something + under a day and a half, is, I am told, only waiting the + requisite capital to enable him at once to set about carrying + his project into effect. Each vessel will be provided with an + Opera House a Cathedral, including a Bishop, who will be one of + the ship's salaried officers; a Circus, Cricket-ground, + Cemetery, Race-course, Gambling-saloon, and a couple of lines + of Electric Tram-cars. The total charge for board and transit + will be only 10<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a day, which will bring the + fare to New York to something like 16<i>s.</i> As it is + calculated that at least 100,000 passengers will cross the + Atlantic on each journey, the financial aspect of the whole + concern seems sound. As I said before, the only difficulty is + the capital. Surely some enterprising Croesus who has thirty + millions lying idle in the Two-and-a-half per Cents, might look + at the matter.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"A SPORTING TIPSTER" writes:—"Perhaps you are not + aware that <i>the</i> feature of next Season's Foot-ball will + be the arrival of a strong team of the Kajawee Cannibal + Islanders, a ferocious race, who have been instructed in the + game by a celebrated Midland half-back. As in practice they + invariably, instead of a foot-ball, use a fresh human head, and + in a scrimmage leave half their number dead on the field, by + having recourse to the 'Kogo' or 'Spine Splitting Stroke,' + introduced from a local athletic game, some excitement will no + doubt be manifested in sporting circles when they meet the + Clapham Rovers, as, I believe, it is arranged they shall do at + the Oval, early in November next."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Hats of the style of the earliest portion of the Saxon + Heptarchy will <i>not</i>, after all, be seen in the Row during + this Season, though several male leaders of fashion are stated + to have given orders for them on an approved model.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/51.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A WASTED EPIGRAM.</h3> + + <p>"WHERE IS THE EVENING <i>GAZETTE</i>, WAITER?'</p> + + <p>"PLEASE, SIR, IT'S NOT YET <i>SEWN</i>."</p> + + <p>"<i>SOWN</i>, SIR! IT OUGHT TO HAVE <i>COME UP</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MINE AND THINE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[In a recent case, a promoter of Gold Mining Companies + was asked if any of his Companies had ever paid a penny of + dividend. His answer was, "You cannot know much about gold + mines to ask such a question." He admitted, however, that + he himself had made some £50 000 out of them. "This," + he said, "is not profit; it is the realisation of + property."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Take a patch of land in Africa and multiply by + ten,</p> + + <p class="i2">Then extract a ton of metal from an ounce + or two of sand;</p> + + <p>Write a roseate prospectus with a magnifying + pen,</p> + + <p class="i2">Making deserts flow with honey in a rich + and smiling land.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Take some crumbs of truth, and spread them with a + covering of bosh,</p> + + <p class="i2">And conceal them in a pie-crust labelled + "Promises to pay";</p> + + <p>Hide away all dirty linen, or remove it home to + wash,</p> + + <p class="i2">And then begin the process which the wise + ones call "Convey."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Next collect a band of brothers, all inspired by one + desire.</p> + + <p class="i2">To subserve the public interest, + single-hearted men and true;</p> + + <p>Stuff with shares, and thus permit them in your + kindness to acquire,</p> + + <p class="i2">At a price, the vendor's + property,—the vendor being you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then, since <i>you</i> must make a profit, call the + public to your aid;</p> + + <p class="i2">Let them give you all their money, which + they think they only lend:</p> + + <p>And of course you mustn't tell them, till the fools + have safely paid,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mines were made for sinking money, not + for raising dividend.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the clergy bring their savings, the widows bring + their store,</p> + + <p class="i2">And they push to reach your presence, and + they jostle and they fall,</p> + + <p>And at last they pile their money in a heap before + your door;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, just to make them happy, you accept + and keep it all.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So you make your mine by begging—(modern + miners never dig),—</p> + + <p class="i2">And you float a gorgeous Company. The + shares go spinning up;</p> + + <p>But you never "rig the market." (What an awkward + word is "rig"!)</p> + + <p class="i2">And you drain success in bumpers from an + overflowing cup.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then one day the thing gets shaky, and it goes from + bad to worse,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the public grasps a shadow where it + tried to hold a share;</p> + + <p>And in vain the country clergy most unclerically + curse,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>You</i> have "realised your property," + and end a millionnaire.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>COMING SEA-SCRAPES AT CHELSEA.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Drawn by an Insider.</i>)</h4> + + <p>MR. PUNCH, SIR,</p> + + <p>That the sister Service should also have its turn at Chelsea + I reckon I can understand, and the Show ought to be popular; + but if the Admiralty want to make a further "exhibition" of + themselves, they won't have to go very far a-field for + material. Here are one or two exhibits that come to hand at + once. First, there's those big guns which it ain't safe to fire + nohow, and which, if you do load with half a charge, crack, + bend, and get sent back to be "ringed" up, whatever that means, + and are not safe, even for a salute, ever afterwards. Then, in + another case, they might show a foot or two of that blessed + boiler-piping which is always leaking, or splitting, or + bursting, just when it shouldn't. In a third they might display + a chop that had been cooked from lying exposed in one of those + famous stokeholes where the poor beggars of sailors are + expected to pass their time without getting roasted too. Then + there might be, as a sort of prize puzzle, a plan of these here + recent manoeuvres, with the Umpire's opinion of the whole + blessed jumble tacked on to it. Then, to enliven the + proceedings. Lord GEORGE might take his turn with the rest of + the Admiralty Board, and give us, every half hour or so, a + figure or two of the Hornpipe, just to let the public see that + they have got some sort of nautical "go" about them to warrant + them in drawing their big screw. Bless you, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, + there's lots to make an Exhibition of at Chelsea next year if + you come to calculate. Leastways that's the opinion of your + humble servant and admirer,</p> + + <p>A TAX-PAYING LANDLUBBER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page52" + id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span> + + <h2>ON GUARDS!</h2> + + <h3>THE BAD FORM OF THE PAST.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/52.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/52.png" + alt="Mr. Punch." /></a> + </div> + + <p>There he stood in his evening dress, with a half-smoked + cigarette between his lips. He had been knocking about + Piccadilly all day, had dined at the Junior, looked in at the + Opera, and finished at the Steak. He seemed a civilian of + civilians. The most casual observer would have declared that he + could never have seen the inside of a barrack-yard. So no + surprise was expressed when the question was asked him.</p> + + <p>"What am I?" he repeated, languidly, and then he replied, + with a yawn, "Can't you see, old Chappie? Why, an Officer in + the Guards!"</p> + + <h3>THE GOOD FORM OF THE FUTURE.</h3> + + <p>There he stood in his neat, serviceable undress uniform, + with a cigar between his lips. He had abandoned the swagger + frogged coat and silk sash for the unpretending patrol jacket + of his brethren in the Line. He had been hard at work all day + in barracks, inspecting meals, visiting the hospital, attending + parades. He had paid his company personally, had seen every + man, and found that there were no complaints. He had attended a + mess meeting, and had dined at mess, playing a rubber + afterwards (sixpenny points) in the ante-room. He knew as much + about the internal economy of the Battalion as the Colonel, the + Adjutant, or the Sergeant-Major. He seemed a soldier of + soldiers. The most casual observer would have declared that he + was acquainted with every inch of the barrack-yard. So general + surprise was expressed when the question was asked him.</p> + + <p>"What am I?" he repeated, briskly; and then he replied, with + a smile, "Can't you see, stupid? Why, an Officer in the + Guards!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT A GARDEN-PARTY.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>SCENE—<i>A London Lawn. A Band in a costume + half-way between the uniforms of a stage hussar and a + circus groom, is performing under a tree. Guests discovered + slowly pacing the turf, or standing and sitting about in + groups.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. Maynard Gery</i> (<i>to her Brother-in-law—who + is thoroughly aware of her little weaknesses</i>). Oh, + PHIL,—you know everybody—<i>do</i> tell me! Who is + that common-looking, little man with the scrubby beard, and the + very yellow gloves—how does he come to be + <i>here</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Where? Oh, I see him. Well—have you read + <i>Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece?</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> No—<i>ought</i> I to have? I never + even heard of it!</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Really? I wonder at that—tremendous + hit—you must order it—though I doubt if you'll be + able to get it.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Oh, I shall <i>insist</i> on having it. And + <i>he</i> wrote it? Really, PHIL, now I come to look at him, + there's something rather striking about his face. Did you say + <i>Sabrina's Niece's Other Aunt</i>—or what?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. <i>Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece</i> was what I + <i>said</i>—not that it signifies.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Oh, but I always attach the greatest + importance to names, myself. And do you know him?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. What, TABLETT? Oh, yes—decent little + chap; not much to say for himself, you know.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> I don't mind <i>that</i> when a man is + <i>clever</i>—do you think you could bring him up and + introduce him?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Oh, I <i>could</i>—but I won't answer for + your not being disappointed in him.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> I have never been disappointed in any + genius <i>yet</i>—perhaps, because I don't expect too + much—so go, dear boy; he may be surrounded unless you get + hold of him soon. [PHIL <i>obeys</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i> (<i>accosting the Scrubby Man</i>). Well, + TABLETT, old fellow, how are things going with you? + <i>Sabrina</i> flourishing?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Tablett</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>). It's a + tremendous hit, my boy; orders coming in so fast they don't + know how to execute 'em—there's a fortune in it, as I + always told you!</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Capital!—but you've such luck. By the + way, my sister-in-law is most anxious to know you.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>flattered</i>). Very kind of her. I shall + be delighted. I was just thinking I felt quite a stranger + here.</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Come along then, and I'll introduce you. If she + asks you to her parties by any chance, mind you go—sure + to meet a lot of interesting people.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>pulling up his collar</i>). Just what I + enjoy—meeting interesting people—the only society + worth cultivating, to my mind, Sir. Give me + <i>intellect</i>—it's of more value than wealth!</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>They go in search of Mrs. M.G.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Lady on Chair</i>. Look at the dear Vicar, getting + that poor Lady PAWPERSE an ice. What a very spiritual + expression he has, to be sure—really quite apostolic!</p> + + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. We are not in his parish, but I have + always heard him spoken of as a most excellent man.</p> + + <p><i>First Lady</i>. Excellent! My dear, that man is a perfect + <i>Saint</i>! I don't believe he knows what it is to have a + single worldly thought! And such trials as he has to bear, too! + With that <i>dreadful</i> wife of his!</p> + + <p><i>Second Lady</i>. That's the wife, isn't it?—the + dowdy little woman, all alone, over there? Dear me, what + <i>could</i> he have married her for?</p> + + <p><i>First Lady</i>. Oh, for her <i>money</i>, of course, my + dear!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Pattallons</i> (<i>to Mrs. ST. MARTIN + SOMERVILLE</i>). Why, it really <i>is</i> you! I absolutely + didn't know you at first. I was just thinking, "Now who + <i>is</i> that young and lovely person coming along the path?" + You see—I came out without my glasses to-day, which + accounts for it!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Chuck</i> (<i>meeting a youthful Matron and + Child</i>). Ah, Mrs. SHARPE, how de do! <i>I'm</i> all right. + Hullo, TOTO, how are <i>you</i>, eh, young lady?</p> + + <p><i>Toto</i> (<i>primly</i>). I'm very well indeed, thank + you. (<i>With sudden interest</i>). How's the idiot? Have you + seen him lately?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.</i> (<i>mystified</i>). The idiot, eh? Why, fact + is, I don't <i>know</i> any idiot!—give you my word!</p> + + <p><i>Toto</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). Yes, you + <i>do</i>—<i>you</i> know. The one Mummy says you're next + door to—you must see him <i>sometimes</i>! You <i>did</i> + say Mr. CHUCK was next door to an idiot, didn't you, Mummy?</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>Tableau.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. Prattleton</i>. Let me see—<i>did</i> we have + a fine Summer in '87? Yes, of course—I always remember + the weather by the clothes we wore, and that June and July we + wore scarcely anything—some filmy stuff that belonged to + one's ancestress, don't you know. <i>Such</i> fun! By the way, + what has become of Lucy?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. St. Patticker</i>. Oh, I've quite lost sight of her + lately—you see she's so perfectly happy now, that she's + ceased to be in the least interesting!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Hussiffe</i> (<i>to Mr. DE MURE</i>). Perhaps + <i>you</i> can tell me of a good coal merchant? The people who + supply me now are perfect <i>fiends</i>, and I really must go + somewhere else.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. De Mure</i>. Then I'm afraid you must be rather + difficult to please.</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>Mr. TABLETT <i>has been introduced to</i> Mrs. MAYNARD + GERY—<i>with the following result</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>). I'm so delighted + to make your acquaintance. When my brother-in-law told me who + you were, I positively very nearly shrieked. I am such an + admirer of your—(<i>thinks she won't commit herself to + the whole title</i>—<i>and so compounds</i>)—your + delightful <i>Sabrina</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Most gratified to hear it, I'm sure, I'm told + there's a growing demand for it.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Such a hopeful sign—when one was + beginning quite to despair of the public taste!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Well, I've always said—So long as you + give the Public a really first-rate article, and are prepared + to spend any amount of money on <i>pushing</i> it, you know, + you're sure to see a handsome return for your outlay—in + the long run. And you see, I've had this carefully analysed, by + competent judges—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Ah, but <i>you</i> can feel independent of + criticism, can't you?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Oh, I defy anyone to find anything unwholesome + in it—it's as suitable for the most delicate child as it + is for adults—nothing to irritate the most + sensitive—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> Ah, you mean certain critics are so + thin-skinned—they are indeed!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> (<i>warming to his subject</i>). But the + beauty of this particular composition is that it causes + absolutely <i>no</i> unpleasantness or inconvenience + afterwards. In some cases, indeed, it acts like a charm. I've + known of two cases of long-standing erysipelas it has + completely cured.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>rather at sea</i>). How gratifying that + must be. But that is the magic of all truly great work, it is + such an <i>anodyne</i>—it takes people so completely out + of themselves—doesn't it?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> It takes anything of that sort out of + <i>them</i>, Ma'am. It's the finest discovery of the age, no + household will be without it in a few months—though + perhaps I say it who shouldn't.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>still more astonished</i>). Oh, but I + <i>like</i> to hear you. I'm so tired of hearing people + pretending to disparage what they have done, it's such a + <i>pose</i>, and I hate posing. Real genius is <i>never</i> + modest. (<i>If he had been more retiring, she would have, of + course, reversed this axiom</i>.) I <i>wish</i> you would come + and see me on one of my Tuesdays, Mr. TABLETT, I should feel so + honoured, and I think you would meet some congenial + spirits—do look in some evening—I will send you a + card if I may—let me see—could you come and lunch + next Sunday? I've got a little man coming who was very nearly + eaten up by cannibals. I think <i>he</i> would interest + you.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" + id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> I shall be proud to meet him. Er—did + they eat <i>much</i> of him?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>who privately thinks this rather + vulgar</i>). How <i>witty</i> you are! That's quite worthy of + a—<i>Sabrina</i>, really! Then you <i>will</i> come? So + glad. And now I mustn't keep you from your other admirers any + longer. [<i>She dismisses him</i>.</p> + + <h4>LATER.</h4> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> (<i>to her Brother-in-law</i>). How + <i>could</i> you say that dear Mr. TABLETT was <i>dull</i>, + PHIL? I found him perfectly charming—so original and + unconventional! He's promised to come to me. By the way, + <i>what</i> did you say the name of his book was?</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. I never said he had written a book.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> PHIL—you + <i>did</i>!—<i>Sabrina's Other—Something</i>. Why, + I've been <i>praising</i> it to him, entirely on your + recommendation.</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. No, no—<i>your</i> mistake. I only asked + you if you'd read <i>Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece</i>, and, as + I made up the title on the spur of the moment, I should have + been rather surprised if you had. <i>He</i> never wrote a line + in his life.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> How <i>abominable</i> of you! But surely + he's famous for <i>something</i>? He talks like it. [<i>With + reviving hope</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Oh, yes, he's the inventor and patentee of the + new "Sabrina" Soap—he says he'll make a fortune over + it.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.G.</i> But he hasn't even done <i>that</i> yet! + PHIL, I'll <i>never</i> forgive you for letting me make such an + idiot of myself. What <i>am</i> I to do now? I <i>can't</i> + have him coming to me—he's really too impossible!</p> + + <p><i>Phil</i>. Do? Oh, order some of the soap, and wash your + hands of him, I suppose—not that he isn't a good deal + more presentable than some of your lions, after all's said and + done!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mrs. M.G., <i>before she takes her leave, contrives to + inform</i> Mr. TABLETT, <i>with her prettiest penitence, + that she has only just recollected that her luncheon party + is put off, and that her Tuesdays are over for the Season. + Directly she returns to Town, she promises to let him hear + from her; in the meantime, he is not to</i> think <i>of + troubling himself to call. So there is no harm done, after + all</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>Last Week of Opera.</i>)</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/53-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53-1.png" + alt="" /></a>Hamlet Personally Conducted. + </div> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—<i>Hamlet</i>. Music by AMBROISE + THOMAS, and <i>libretto</i> by Messieurs CARRÉ and + BARBIER, who seem to have read <i>Hamlet</i> once through, + after which they wrote down as a <i>libretto</i> what they + remembered, of the story. It would be difficult to mention any + Opera less dramatic than this. The question arises at once, + adapting the immortal phrase of JAMES LE SIFFLEUR, "Why lug in + <i>Hamlet</i>?" Why not have called it <i>Ophelia</i>? Whatever + interest there may be in the Opera—and there is very + little—is centred entirely in <i>Ophelia</i>. The + <i>Ghost</i> is utterly purposeless, but of distinguished + appearance as a robust spectre, marching in at one gate, and + out at another, or hiding behind a sofa, and popping up + suddenly, in order to frighten an equally purposeless + <i>Hamlet.</i> Like father, like son. M. LASSALLE is a fine, + substantial, baritonial <i>Hamlet</i>, who is always posturing, + weeping, calling out <i>ma mère</i>, and blubbering on + the ample matronly bosom of his mother, Madame RICHARD ("O + RICHARD! <i>O ma Reine</i>!") like a big, blubbering, overgrown + schoolboy. Were I inclined to disquisitionise, I should say + that Messieurs CARRÉ and BARBIER have actually realised + SHAKSPEARE's own description of his jelly-fleshed hero, whose + mind is as shaky as his well-covered body. <i>Hamlet</i> + was—as SHAKSPEARE took care to emphasise—"fat, and + scant of breath"—which was the physical description of + the actor who first impersonated the leading <i>rôle</i> + of this play; and the French author's idea of <i>Hamlet</i> + was, accordingly, a fat youth, very much out of condition, home + from Wittenberg College, in consequence of his father's recent + decease.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/53-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53-2.png" + alt="" /></a>Hamlet is out of it in the last Act. Why + wasn't he brought into the Ballet? + </div> + + <p>Some of the lighter musical portions of the Opera are + charming, and the Chorus at the end of Act I, might have been + written by OFFENBACH. But what is there of the story? Nothing. + The King is not killed: the Queen isn't poisoned: + <i>Polonius</i> is not stabbed behind the arras, having been, + perhaps, killed before the Opera commenced, since his name + appears in the book but not in the programme, and the only + person on the stage that I could possibly associate with that + dear old Lord Chamberlain was M. MIRANDA, who had donned a + white beard and a different robe from what he had been + previously wearing as <i>Horatio</i> in the First and Second + Acts, in order to enter and lead the King away, in an + interpolated and ineffective scene which was not in the book. A + very hard-working Opera for the principals, and a thankless + task. <i>Hamlet's</i> drinking song fine, and finely sung. But + the whole point of the Opera is in the last Act, where there is + a <i>ballet</i> that has nothing to do with the piece, but + pretty to see little PALLADINO in short white skirts, dancing + merrily in a forest glade, among the happy peasantry, to whom + comes <i>Ophelia</i>, mad as several hatters, and after a + lunatic scene, charming, both musically and dramatically, + throws herself into the water, and dies singing.</p> + + <p>Here is a suggestion for the effective compression and + reduction of the Opera, and if my plan be accepted, DRURIOLANUS + will earn the eternal gratitude of those who would like to hear + all that is good in it, and to skip, as PALLADINO does, the + rest. Thus:—</p> + + <p>ACT I.—<i>Enter</i> HAMLET. <i>Solo. Exit. Enter</i> + OPHELIA. <i>Solo. Re-enter</i> HAMLET. OPHELIA <i>and</i> + HAMLET <i>love-duet. Exit</i> OPHELIA. HAMLET'S <i>Friends come + in, and he sings them a Drinking Song with Chorus. All join in + Chorus and Dance. Curtain</i>.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/53-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53-3.png" + alt="" /></a>An awkward moment for Hamlet. Row with + his Mother and Ophelia. + </div> + + <p>ACT II.—<i>Opening Chorus (anything; it doesn't matter + if it's only pretty and bright). Enter</i> HAMLET. <i>Solo</i>. + "<i>Être, ou ne pas être." Enter</i> OPHELIA + <i>with book, pretends not to see</i> HAMLET. <i>Solo. + Enter</i> Queen. OPHELIA <i>complains to her that</i> HAMLET + <i>isn't behaving like a gentleman.</i> Queen <i>upbraids</i> + HAMLET: <i>So does</i> OPHELIA: HAMLET <i>depressed, Exit</i> + Queen R.H. <i>Exit</i> OPHELIA L.H. HAMLET <i>remains, + evidently going mad</i>. PALLADINO <i>looks in. Dances</i>. + HAMLET <i>joins her. Enter Friends, Courtiers, Peasants, and + other Friends. All join in ballet</i>, HAMLET <i>included. + Enter</i> Keepers, <i>and</i> HAMLET <i>is taken off to + Hanwellhagen</i>. OPHELIA <i>rushes in, faints. + Curtain</i>.</p> + + <p>ACT III.—<i>Meadows near Hanwellhagen, in Denmark. + Dance of Lunatics, out for a holiday. To them enter</i> + OPHELIA. <i>All the charming music, delightful, and, this being + finished, she chucks herself away into the stream. + Curtain</i>.</p> + + <p>Great call for everybody concerned. And, if the above scheme + be adopted, the Opera would be over before eleven, having begun + at nine. I present this with my compliments to DRURIOLANUS and + AMBROISE THOMAS; and, if he is not "a doubting THOMAS," he will + try this plan.</p> + + <p>The remainder of the week passed away happily, so I hear, + but was not able to be in my place, as I was at somebody else's + place far, far away. The Opera has been, from the first, a big + success. Should like to hear <i>Masaniello</i> once again. + Perhaps that is a treat in store for all of us. Thus ends the + Opera-goer's Diary for 1890, and everybody is highly satisfied + and delighted. Curtain.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>MUSICAL PARADOX.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Autumn comes, our womenfolk prepare</p> + + <p>To grind the "old old tune" called "change of + air."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" + id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/54.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/54.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>MRS. HIGHFLYER'S DANCE, 2 A.M.</h3>"AH! IT'S ALL VERY + WELL FOR THE FOOTMEN,—AND IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR THE + GALS,—BUT IT'S PRECIOUS 'ARD ON US COACHMEN AND THE + PORE MOTHERS!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"OUR TURN NOW!"</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, Mr. Bull and the Wandering Minstrels.</i></h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Mr. Bull</i>. Confound these Wandering Minstrels! + Oh, the bore of them!</p> + + <p class="i2">Only just settled with yon tow-hair'd + fellow</p> + + <p>Turning the corner, and behold two more of them,</p> + + <p class="i2">Prepared to grind and tootle, blow and + bellow,</p> + + <p>Until I tip <i>them</i> in a liberal fashion.</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon my word, their noise is something + shocking;</p> + + <p>Enough to put a person in a passion.</p> + + <p class="i2">Menaces slighting and remonstrance + mocking,</p> + + <p>They stand and twangle, tootle, grind, and + gurgle</p> + + <p class="i2">Their horrible cacophony. Find it + funny,</p> + + <p>Ye grinners? Might as well my mansion burgle,</p> + + <p class="i2">As "row" me forcibly out of my money.</p> + + <p>The Teuton tootler, being tipped, is "sloping,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Patting his pocket with a smile + complacent.</p> + + <p>The Gallic blower, for like treatment hoping,</p> + + <p class="i2">Grins at the Portuguese who grinds + adjacent.</p> + + <p>What a <i>charivari</i>! Oh, I <i>must</i> stop + it!</p> + + <p class="i2">I say, you rascal with the + hurdy-gurdy,</p> + + <p>More than enough of that vile shindy; drop it!</p> + + <p class="i2">And you, my brazen, blatant, would-be + VERDI,</p> + + <p>Hush that confounded horn, or go and blow it</p> + + <p class="i2">At—Jericho. <i>My</i> walls you + will not tumble</p> + + <p>By windy shindy, and you ought to know it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Horn-Player</i>. Bah! ze old hombogs! He sall + growl and grumble</p> + + <p>But he vill <i>pay</i> ven it come to ze + pinches;</p> + + <p class="i2">I know him, ze cantankerous <i>vieux</i> + chappie.</p> + + <p>Ze German yonder, vy he take ze inches,</p> + + <p class="i2">And get ze Hel-igoland! Now he quite + happy.</p> + + <p>I do ze same. <i>Pom! Pom!</i> Zat blast vos + thunder!</p> + + <p class="i2">How he do tear his hair and tvist his + features.</p> + + <p>He svear, but he vill vat you call "knock + under."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Mr. Bull</i>. I say, you Portugee, smallest of + creatures,</p> + + <p>And noisiest for your size, shut up, and hook + it!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Hurdy-gurdy</i>. <i>Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!</i> Zey + say zat ze old fool is skveezable,</p> + + <p>Melting in his own heat. Py gar, he <i>look</i> + it.</p> + + <p class="i2">Ze Teuton yonder find zat he vas + teaseable</p> + + <p>Out of ze "tip," ze big <i>pour-boire</i>. He got + him,</p> + + <p class="i2">He go, he grin! Sall I not take ze hint + too?</p> + + <p>I get him too—<i>I</i> go. But I no let + him</p> + + <p class="i2">Drive me away, as he did SERPA PINTO.</p> + + <p><i>Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!</i> I see zat he no like ze + grinding.</p> + + <p class="i2">Soo mooch ze bettare! He sall give mooch + money;</p> + + <p>Ze <i>pour-boire</i>, someveres, he sall soon be + finding,</p> + + <p class="i2">If I keep on. Zeese Eenglish are so + funny.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Tutto</i>. Ze money for ze Minstrels! Kvick! So + sall you</p> + + <p class="i2">Get rid of us. Like to ze artful + gloser</p> + + <p>In Mistare SEYMOUR'S sketch, <i>ve</i> "know ze + value</p> + + <p class="i2">Of peace and kvie'ness." Pay us, ve go, + Sir! [<i>Left tootling.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN THE KNOW.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Am I going to Goodwood? I answer that question by another. + Is it likely that a race-meeting of any pretensions can + possibly do without one whom even his enemies acknowledge to be + the only accurate and high-minded sporting writer in the world? + Those who care (and I devoutly hope that Mr. J., whose brains + equal those of a newly-born tadpole, will not be amongst the + number) can see me at any moment on pronouncing the password, + "mealy-mouth," in my old place, <i>close to the space devoted + to Royalty.</i> Yes, I shall be there. In the meantime, I + propose to treat of the horses as only I can treat of them. I + have nothing to say against <i>Pioneer</i>, except that the + name promises very well for one who means to lead the way. + <i>Nous verrons</i>, as RACINE said, on a celebrated occasion. + As for <i>The Imp</i>, I cannot too strongly lay it down that + only blue devils are bad for the digestion, and <i>Galloping + Queen</i> may gallop farther than or not so far as <i>Miss + Ethel</i>. A miss must be better than a mile to win. If + <i>Theophilus</i> were <i>Formidable</i>, or if <i>Imogene</i> + possessed a <i>Grecian Bend</i>, it might be necessary to sound + <i>Reveille</i> in <i>Rotten Row</i>, which would certainly be + a <i>Marvel</i>. Not being a roadster, I sometimes like <i>The + Field</i>.</p> + + <p>The above information ought to be sufficient to guide + anybody whose brains are calculated to fill an egg-cup. All + others may go to Earlswood, where they will probably meet Mr. + J.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" + id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/55.png" + alt="France and Portugal beg at John Bull's door." /></a> + + <h3>"OUR TURN NOW!"</h3>FRANCE AND PORTUGAL (<i>who know + the value of Peace and Quiet</i>). "YOU GIVE GERMAN + SOMESING,—HE GO VAY! YOU GIVE <i>US</i> + SOMESING,—<i>VE</i> GO VAY!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" + id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + + <h2>THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Before</i> MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.)</h4> + + <h3><i>An Anglo-Indian Gentleman introduced.</i></h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/57-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57-1.png" + alt="Mr. Commissioner Punch." /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>The Commissioner</i>. Well, Sir, What can I do for + you?</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-Indian</i>. I wish respectfully to call your + attention, Sir, to our case, which is now before a + Parliamentary Committee. I am an Indian Civil Servant. I am + called a member of the Uncovenanted Service, but I contend that + such a term is a misnomer. Originally the Uncovenanted Service + consisted of Natives of India, who were employed, without + covenant, to do subordinate official work, under the direction + of the Covenanted Civil Service. The bulk of these persons were + overseers and tax-collectors.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Has there been any alteration of late years? + I see you lay a stress upon <i>originally</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> At this moment there are in the Service, in + one department alone—the Educational—a Senior + Classic, a Second Wrangler, several other Wranglers, and many + Fellows of Oxford and Cambridge, who took high honours with + their degrees. The Service now requires great technical + knowledge, as it has to deal with Archæology, Finance, + Geological Survey, Public Works, and Telegraphy, and can only + be entered by Europeans, who have been selected by nomination, + or after competition, either by the Secretary of State for + India, or the Government of India. It is not an Uncovenanted + Service, as we now enter it with the prospect of pension; and + one of our grievances is, that that prospect has become less + favourable through the recent action of our employers.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Be kind enough to explain.</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> Certainly, Sir. When we entered the Service + our pension, after serving thirty years, was stated by the + Secretary of State to be £500. Naturally this was taken + to mean gold, but because years ago the Service consisted of + Natives, the Government hit upon the plan of paying us in + silver, which at the present rate means a loss of £150 in + the £500.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Are the members of the other Indian + Services, Civil and Military, treated in like manner?</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> No, they are paid their pensions in + gold.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Well, considering the class of men who now + enter your Service I do not see why you should be put at so + great a disadvantage. Have you any other grievances?</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> Well, thirty years is a long time to have + to serve in a climate as trying as the tropics, especially when + we are not allowed to count furlough as service.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> I think so, too. Then I may sum up your + grievances thus. You are educated men, and therefore deserve + fair treatment. You would consider fair treatment, payment of + pensions in gold, and the lessening of the years of service + necessary to earn the right of retirement?</p> + + <p><i>Anglo-In.</i> Exactly, Sir; and I cannot thank you + sufficiently for putting our case so plainly.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Not at all. Should you receive no redress + within a reasonable time, you may mention the matter to me + again.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Witness with a grateful bow then + withdrew</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SHADOW OF A CASE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>To the Editor of Punch.</i>)</h4> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—As the leading forensic journal of this + great country (your contemporary <i>Weekly Notes</i> runs you + pretty close occasionally in some of its reports), I address + you. It was my painful duty a few days ago (I had to "take a + note" for a colleague, an occupation more honourable than + lucrative), to be present at a cause that was heard before the + President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of + the High Court of Justice and a Special Jury. The trial created + considerable interest, not only amongst the general public, but + amongst that branch of our honourable Profession represented by + the Junior Bar, no doubt, because certain points of law, not + easily recognisable—I frankly confess, I myself, am + unable to recount them—were no doubt in question, and had + to be decided by competent authority. The Counsel directly + engaged were some of the brightest ornaments of Silk and Stuff. + Amongst the rest were my eloquent and learned friend, Sir + CHARLES RUSSELL, my erudite and learned friend Mr. INDERWICK + (whose <i>Side-lights upon the Stuarts</i>, is a marvel of + antiquarian research), and my mirth-compelling and learned + friend Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, whose law is only equalled (if, + indeed, it is equalled) by his comic draughtmanship. As the + details of the trial have been fully reported, there is no + necessity to go into particulars. However, there was a feature + in the case that the passing notice of an article in one or + more of the leading journals is scarcely sufficient to + meet.</p> + + <p>It was proved that the detective part of divorce (if I may + use the expression) may be conducted in a fashion, to say the + least, of not the most entirely satisfactory character. A + talented family were called before us, whose performances were, + from one point of view, extremely amusing. But, Sir, although + (as you will be the first to admit) laughter is a most + excellent thing in its proper place, the sound of cachinnation + is seldom pleasing in the Divorce Court. Under these + circumstances I would propose that, in future, Divorce + Shadowing should be put under the protection of the State. + There should be a special department, and the Shadowers should + be of the distinguished position of Mr. MCDOUGALL of the London + County Council, and the like. The office of the rank and file + of the Shadowers should be honorary, as the pleasure of + following in (possibly) unsavoury steps in the cause of virtue, + would be to them, I presume, ample reward for any trouble the + labour might entail. I would willingly myself undertake the + responsibilities attaching to the post of Director-General, of + course on the understanding that a suitable provision were + made, not only as compensation for the loss of my practice, but + also that I might perform the duties of the office with + suitable dignity. But when I say this, I would add, that I + should reserve to myself the right of seeking the supplementary + services of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, and Mr. Sheriff + AUGUSTUS HARRIS, as assessors in assisting me to distinguish + between innocence and vice, and guilt and virtue.</p> + + <p>Believe me, with an expression of all necessary respect for + "the Nobility" connected with the case to which I have + referred, and admiration for the courage of a certain + Militiaman, exhibited by his entering the witness-box, and + there facing the cross-examination he so richly deserved, I + remain, Yours truly,</p> + + <p>(<i>Signed</i>) A BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.</p> + + <p><i>Pump-handle Court, July 29, 1890.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/57-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Poet and Prophet are nearly allied. Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN is an + illustration of this, in his recently published <i>English + Lyrics</i> (MACMILLAN) all of which he must have written in + utter ignorance of the doings of the Chairman of the County + Council. Yet, hath the Prophetic Poet these lines:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Primrose, why do you pass away?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And the Primrose's return:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Nay, rather, why should we longer stay?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But the Conservative bias of the Poet is shown in the next + line:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>We</i> are not needed," &c.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The commencement of the poem, however, as here quoted, is + evidently an inspiration for which the Poet was not + responsible. It is a charming little volume of charming verse. + It is good poetic wine, which needs not the bush provided by + Mr. WILLIAM WATSON in the shape of a thickset introduction. + What, asks W.W., is the attitude of ALFRED AUSTIN towards + Nature? This recalls a well-known scene in <i>Nicholas + Nickleby</i>—"She's a rum 'un, is Natur'," said <i>Mr. + Squeers</i>. "She is a holy thing, Sir," remarked <i>Mr. + Snawley</i>. "Natur'," said <i>Mr. Squeers</i>, solemnly, "is + more easier conceived than described. Oh, what a blessed thing, + Sir, to be in a state of natur'!" And these observations of + Messrs. <i>Snawley</i> and <i>Squeers</i> pretty accurately sum + up all that the ingenious WILLIAM WATSON has to say about + Natur' and ALFRED AUSTIN. The moral of which lies in the + application of it, which is,—skip the preface, and make + plunge into the poetry.</p> + + <p>A good deal has been written in olden time and of late about + the Oberammergau Passion Play. Nothing has been better done + than the work by Mr. EDWARD R. RUSSELL, formerly M.P. for + Glasgae, who visited Oberammergau this year. His account is + instinct with keen criticism, fine feeling, and reasoning + reverence. Moreover, whilst other works are padded out into + bulky volumes, he says all that need be said in fifteen pages + of a pleasantly-printed booklet—price sixpence. It is a + reprint from letters which the errant Editor contributed to his + journal, the <i>Liverpool Daily Post</i>, at the sign of which + copies may be had. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Art's Friends and Foe!</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>TATE, WALLACE, AGNEW! Here be three good names,</p> + + <p>Friends of true Art, and furtherers of her aims;</p> + + <p>Munificence but waits to take sound shape;</p> + + <p>Say, shall it be frustrated by—Red Tape?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" + id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/58.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/58.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>BUZZY TIME FOR THE MINISTER OF + AGRICULTURE.</h3>[Persons interested should secure the + Government paper containing all the information in regard + to the Hessian Fly, and other injurious insects and fungi.] + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" + id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/59.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/59.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"THE CHURCH-GOING BELL."</h3>SUNDAY MORNING, COAST OF + NORWAY.<br /> + (<i>By Our Yotting Artist.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>JOHNNY, MAKE ROOM FOR DELONCLE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>New North African Version of an Old Song.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"M. DELONCLE, in his conversation with a Belgian + reporter, puts in a claim for practically the whole of the + northern half of Africa, with the possible exception of + Egypt."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + + <p>AIR—"<i>Tommy, make room for your Uncle</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Deputy</i> DELONCLE (<i>addressing</i> JOHNNY BULL) + <i>sings</i>:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nothing but deserts now left for France!</p> + + <p class="i2">Hang it! That <i>will</i> not do!</p> + + <p>Therefore DELONCLE her claims must advance,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mighty they are, nor few.</p> + + <p>Right from Oubanghi unto Lake Tchad,</p> + + <p class="i2">Through Wadai and Ba-gir-mi!</p> + + <p>JOHNNY, my lad, I shall be glad</p> + + <p class="i2">If you'll make room for ME!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE,</p> + + <p class="i4">There's a little dear!</p> + + <p class="i2">JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE,</p> + + <p class="i4">He wants to stay here.</p> + + <p class="i2">He needs the whole of North Africa!</p> + + <p class="i4">(The rest he may leave to you),</p> + + <p class="i2">Do not annoy, there's a good boy!</p> + + <p class="i4">Make room for DELONCLE, do!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To So-ko-to and the Gan-do,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your claims you must resign.</p> + + <p>If France goes far from Zanzibar,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>I</i>'ll draw a new boundary line.</p> + + <p>To the east of the Niger by latitude ten!</p> + + <p class="i2">That is our mi-ni-<i>mum</i>!</p> + + <p>Ours the Sahara! Yes, <i>che sarà + sarà!</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Therefore don't <i>you</i> look glum!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Chorus</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE!</p> + + <p class="i4">The Niger is ours, that's clear.</p> + + <p class="i2">JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE!</p> + + <p class="i4">He doesn't want <i>you</i> here.</p> + + <p class="i2">France must take up her traditional + <i>rôle</i></p> + + <p class="i4">(Of grabbing all she <i>can</i> do)</p> + + <p class="i2">So, JOHNNY, my boy, don't you annoy;</p> + + <p class="i4">Make room for DELONCLE, <i>do</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM</h4> + + <h3>THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July</i> 21.—RITCHIE got + another Bill through; not a measure of high imperial policy; + nothing to do either with Heligoland or Zanzibar; only proposes + to improve in various ways the dwellings of the industrial + classes. Still, as JOKIM has shown in connection with one or + two of his little Bills, it is quite possible nearly to wreck a + Ministry even on matter-of-fact business arrangements. But + RITCHIE isn't JOKIM, and so his Bill passes to-night, taking + two steps at a time, both sides uniting in congratulation and + cheers. WALTER FOSTER, rising, salutes the Minister with a + quite touching bless-you-my-child attitude. FOSTER rather hints + that the Bill everyone is so pleased with, is really his. True, + RITCHIE'S name is on back, and he took charge of it in its + passage through Committee and House. But the real man was + FOSTER; his Amendments had made the Bill; he had moulded it in + Committee, and now here he was to give it his blessing. Rather + delicate position; sort of cracking up himself, which FOSTER + would not do for the world; blushed a little, as he praised the + Bill; otherwise accomplished his task with ease and grace, + whilst RITCHIE, listening, twitched his eyebrows, and thought + unutterable things.</p> + + <p>"I wish," said OLD MORALITY, "we had an embarrassment of + RITCHIES, or even two or three more like him."</p> + + <p>OLD MORALITY been rather worried to-night; a hail-storm of + questions on all sorts of subjects; amongst others, TIM HEALY + and WILFRID LAWSON badgering him about the Local Taxation Bill. + When is it really intended to take it? LAWSON asks OLD MORALITY + back at the table again for twentieth time; literally gasping + for breath; looked round House with anguished expression; then + happy thought strikes him; "Mr. SPEAKER, Sir," he says, "it is + really impossible to do more than one thing at a time."</p> + + <p>The pathetic earnestness with which this axiom was advanced, + the sudden swift spasm of conviction that had flashed it across + his <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> mind, his certainty of the + soundness of the assertion (paradoxical though it might + appear), and his hasty, anxious glance below the Gangway + opposite, apprehensive that that quarter would peradventure + furnish a person capable of controverting it, all filled the + House with keen delight. Laughed for full sixty seconds by + Westminster clock; OLD MORALITY standing at table looking + round and wondering what on earth he'd said now.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Census Bills read Second + Time.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Pretty quiet sitting, till DIMSDALE + craftily crept upon the scene. Don't often hear from this + distinguished member of the Order of Noble Barons; generally + content to serve his country by voting for the Government. + To-night stirred in sluggish depths by omission of Government + in preparing Census Bill to provide for Religious Census; so + the Noble Baron moves Amendment designed to authorise Religious + Census. Opposition Benches nearly empty; those present listen + listlessly; know it's all right; Government are pledged against + Religious Census; no harm in the Noble Baron moving his + Amendment and making his speech; the Bill as introduced is + safe.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/60-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60-1.png" + alt="Dimsdale." /></a>Another Noble Baron. + </div> + + <p>Then up gets RITCHIE; drops remark, in off-hand manner, as + if it did not signify, that Members on Ministerial side are + free to vote as they please. Sudden change of attitude in + Opposition Benches. Listlessness vanishes; a whisper of + treachery goes round; CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN makes hot protest; + HARCOURT sent for; comes in gleefully; matters been going so + quietly, place unbearable for him; now a row imminent, HARCOURT + joyously returns to Front Bench. Seats fill up on both sides; + OLD MORALITY hurries in; situation explained to him; dolefully + shakes his head; HARCOURT thunders denunciation of a Ministry + that plays fast and loose with House; then OLD MORALITY gets + up, and publicly abjures DIMSDALE and his Amendment. It was, he + explained, only RITCHIE'S fun in saying Ministerialists were + free to vote as they pleased on this matter. The Government + were against the Amendment, and of course good Ministerialists + would vote with Ministers. So they did, and DIMSDALE'S rising + hopes crushed by majority of 288 against 69.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—English Census Bill passed + through Committee.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Came across NICHOLAS WOOD in remote + corner of Corridor; had the depressed look familiar when he has + been wrestling with great mental problems and finds himself + worsted.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter now, NICHOLAS? Thinking over what OLD + MORALITY said yesterday about impossibility of doing more than + one thing at a time?"</p> + + <p>"No, TOBY," he said, wearily; "it's not that; gave that up + at once. OLD MORALITY's a good fellow, but he's too subtle for + me. It's this Police Question that bothers me; give up a good + deal of time to mastering it. Sort of thing seemed likely to + suit me; heard all MATTHEWS' speeches; tried to follow + CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM; courted CONYBEARE'S company, and pursued + PICKERSGILL with inquiries. Thought I'd got a pretty clear + notion of what it all meant; and now it turns out all to have + led up to making PULESTON Constable of Carnarvon. Never heard + his name before in connection with the Police Question. He took + no part in discussions; had nothing to do with it I ever heard + of; just when I was comfortably getting on another tack, the + whole question centres on PULESTON. It seems <i>he</i> was the + Police Question, and now he's Constable of Carnarvon. Why + Carnarvon? Why not stationed in the Lobby or the Central Hall + where he would be with old friends? Suppose he'll wear a blue + coat, bright buttons, and a belt, and will shadow LOYD-GEORGE + who now sits for Carnarvon? If you write to him must you + address your letters "P.C. PULESTON"? and shall we have to + change refrain of our latest National Hymn? instead of singing + '<i>Ask a Policeman?</i>' shall we have to chant 'Ask a + PULESTON?' These are the new problems; suddenly rushed in, + bothering me to death when I thought I'd got pretty well + through Session, Recess close at hand and no more difficult + points coming up. Don't think, TOBY, I was cut out for + politics; perhaps I take them too seriously; but like to know + things, and there are so many things to know."</p> + + <p>Try to cheer up NICHOLAS; suggest to him that he should put + his questions down on the paper; might address them to + FERGUSON; a little out of the way of Foreign Affairs; but a + conversation publicly conducted between NICHOLAS and FERGUSON + would be interesting.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Votes in Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—House in rather strange condition + to-night; things all sevens and sixes; Motion is that + Anglo-German Agreement Bill be read Second Time. Opinion very + mixed on merits of measure; on the whole, no particular + objection to it, even though with it goes Heligoland. Still, an + Opposition must oppose; but where is the Opposition? Mr. G. + came down last night; said he'd no particular objection to + Treaty, but didn't like the process of confirming it; so + publicly washed his hands of the business. Since the + announcement appeared in papers, HERBERT tells me his + illustrious father's life has been a burden to him. Every post + brings him letters from rival advertising soap manufacturers, + making overtures of business transactions.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/60-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60-2.png" + alt="" /></a>The British Constitution. + </div> + + <p>"Sir," runs one of these epistles, "alluding to your + statement in the House of Commons last night that you publicly + washed your hands of participation in the Anglo-German Treaty, + would you have any objection to our stating that the substance + used was our celebrated Salubrious Savon? Anticipating your + favourable reply, we assume that you would have no objection to + our publishing a portrait of you using our soap, with its + familiar label, 'Does not wash collars.' We have only to add + that in the event of your favourably accepting this suggestion, + we shall esteem it a favour to be allowed to gratuitously + supply you and your family with specimens of our art for the + term of your natural lives."</p> + + <p>This is merely an incident in the struggle, illustrating one + of the embarrassments it has evolved. Only man thoroughly happy + is HARCOURT. He invented the line of attack on ground of breach + of constitutional usages; put up Mr. G. to make his speech; + supplied him with authorities, and in supplementary speech + amazed House with his erudition. Made stupendous speech last + night; literally gorged the House; to-night picks up fragments + and provides another feast: six baskets wouldn't hold it.</p> + + <p>"Wish, TOBY, dear boy," he said, sinking back in his seat + after delivering his second speech, cunningly grafted on an + Amendment, "we could carry this over next week. I could easily + make a speech a day. Remember when I was once in Ireland, asked + a tenant how he liked the new agent, who was reputed to be very + able business man. 'Well,' said my acquaintance, 'I don't know + about his business daylings, but for blasphaymious language, + he's <i>au revoir</i>.' On constitutional questions, TOBY, I + may, with all modesty, say I'm <i>au revoir</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Anglo-German Treaty agreed + to.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + + <h4>FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS.</h4> + + <p>"<i>She is never at a loss for a clever answer;</i>" + <i>i.e.</i>, "A cat whose claws are always out."</p> + + <p>"<i>A little stand-offish to strangers, but wonderfully + winning when one really knows him;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Which one + need never do, thank goodness!"</p> + + <h4>LEGAL.</h4> + + <p>"<i>As your Lordship pleases;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "As a Judge, + you are a stupid, self-sufficient dolt; but so long as my + client, the solicitor, gets his costs, it doesn't matter a jot + to me or him <i>what</i> you decide!"</p> + + <p>"<i>With your Lordship's permission, my Junior will settle + the minutes;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "And so save us both the trouble + of apportioning, in the customary perfunctory fashion, the + oyster to the solicitors, and the shells to the clients."</p> + + <h4>IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.</h4> + + <p>"<i>You don't mind my telling you exactly where I think + you're wrong?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "You obviously want setting + down, and I may as well do it."</p> + + <p>"<i>Do you mind just stating that over again?</i>" + <i>i.e.</i>, "While I think of something to say in reply."</p> + + <p>"<i>Of course you know more about the subject than I + do;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "I am pretty sure you never gave it a + thought till this minute."</p> + + <p>"<i>If you care for my candid opinion;</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "I + am now about to be annoying, and perhaps rude."</p> + + <p>"<i>All right, I'm not deaf!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Keep your + confounded temper."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99., August 2, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12323-h.htm or 12323-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/3/2/12323/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99., August 2, 1890. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 11, 2004 [EBook #12323] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +August 2, 1890. + + + + +[Illustration: A "SCENE" IN THE HIGHLANDS. + +_Ill-used Husband_ (_under the Bed_). "AYE! YE MAY CRACK ME, AND +YE MAY THRASH ME, BUT YE CANNA BREAK MY MANLY SPERRIT. I'LL NA COME +OOT!!"] + + * * * * * + +PUNCH TO THE SECOND BATTALION. + + "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"--JUVENAL. + + You're off, boys, to Bermuda + (_Like_ "the Bermoothes," "vexed"). + The Guards rebel? _Proh pudor!_ + What next--and next--and next? + Who'll guard the Guards, if they guard not + The fame they should revere? + Fie on the row, row, row, row, + Of the British Grenadier! + + Your _Punch_ is sorry for you, + And for these lads "in quod;" + But Discipline's a parent + That _must_ not spare the rod. + May you right soon redeem your name, + And no more may _Punch_ hear + Of the row, row, row, row, row, row, + Of the British Grenadier! + + _If_ you have been o'er-worried + By ultra-Martinet; + Into unwisdom hurried, + Be sure Bull won't forget. + But England's Redcoats must _not_ ape + The Hyde Park howl, that's clear; + So no more row, row, row, row, + From the British Grenadier! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S AMERICAN ACQUAINTANCE. + +My akwaintance among eminent selebraties seems to be rapidly +encreasing. Within what _Amlet_ calls a week, a little week, after my +larst intervue with the emenent young Swell as amost lost his art to +the pretty Bridesmade, I have been onored with the most cordial notice +of a werry emenent Amerrycane, who cums to Lundon wunce ewery year, +and makes a good long stay, and allus cums to one or other of our +Grand Otels. He says he's taken quite a fansy to me, and for this most +singler reason. He says as I'm the ony Englishman as he has ewer known +who can allus giv a answer rite off to ewery question as he arsks +me! So much so, that he says as how as I ort to be apinted the Guide, +Feelosofer, and Frend of ewery one of the many Wisiters as we allus +has a staying here! + +Well, all I can say is, that if I affords the heminent Amerrycane +jest about harf the fun and emusement as he does me, I must be a much +cleverer feller than I ewer thort myself, or than my better harf +ewer told me as I was. Ah, wouldn't he jest make her stare a bit if +she herd sum of his most owdacious sayings. Why, he acshally says, +that the hole system of marrying for life is all a mistake, and not +consistent with our changable nature! And that we ort to take our +Wives on lease, as we does our houses, wiz., for sewen or fourteen +years, and that in a great majority of cases they woud both be preshus +glad when the end of the lease came! And he tries werry hard to make +me bleeve, tho in course he doesn't succeed, that in one part of +his grate and staggering Country, ewerybody does jest as he likes +in these rayther himportant matters, and has jest as many Wives as +he can afford to keep, and that the King of that place has about a +dozen of 'em! Ah, if you wants to hear a Teel downright staggerer as +nobody carnt posserbly bleeve, don't "ask the Pleaceman," but arsk an +Amerrycane! + +He wanted werry much to go to Brighton, and see our new Grand +Metropole Otel opened last Satterday; so I spoke to our most +gentlemanly Manager, and he gave him a ticket that took him down +first-class, and brort him back, and took him into the Otel, and +supplied him with heverythink as art coud wish for, or supply, and +as much Shampane as he could posserbly drink--and, when there ain't +nothink to pay for it, it's reelly estonishing what a quantity a +gennelman can dispose of--; and the way in which he afterwards told +me as he showed his grattitude for what he called a reel first-class +heavening's enjoyment was, to engage a delicious little sweet of +apartments for a fortnite, so we shall see him no more for that length +of time. He told me as he had seen all the great Otels of Urope +and Amerrykey, but he was obligated to confess, in his own emphatic +langwidge, that the Brighton Metropole "licked all creation!" I didn't +quite understand him, but I've no doubt it was intended as rayther +complimentary. He rayther staggered me by asking what it cost, but I +was reddy with my anser, and boldly said, jest exaoly a quarter of a +million. + +He told me that, in his own grand country, he was ginerally regarded +as a werry truthful man, which, of course, I was pleased to hear, for +sum of his statements was that staggering as wood have made me dowt +it in a feller-countryman. For hinstance, he acshally tried to make +me bleeve that his Country is about 20 times as big as ours! Well, in +course, common politeness made me pretend to bleeve him, speshally +as he's remarkable liberal to me, as most of his countrymen is, but +I coudn't help thinking as it woud have been wiser of him if he had +made his werry long Bow jest a leetle shorter. He's a remarkabel +fine-looking gennelman, and his manners quite comes up to my +description. ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A LYRIC FOR LOWESTOFT. + + [Mr. HENRY IRVING is studying for his new piece at Lowestoft.] + +[Illustration] + + Henry Irving, will the Master feel the fierce and bracing breeze, + As you wander by the margin of the restless Eastern seas? + + Save the seagull slowly swirling none shall hear the tale of woe, + Learn how dark the life that ended in the fatal "Kelpie's Flow." + + 'Mid the murmur of the ocean you will tell how _Edgar_ felt + When his _Lucy_ broke her troth-plight, and he flung down _Craigengelt_, + + Fitting place for actor's study, all that long and lonely shore; + Yonder point methinks as Wolf's Crag should be known for evermore. + + Henceforth will the place be haunted when the midnight hour draws nigh: + Men shall see the Master standing stern against the stormy sky. + + Faint, impalpable as shadow from the cloudland, _Lucy_ there + Shall keep tryst; the moon's effulgence not more golden than her hair. + + And, in coming nights of Autumn, when the vast Lyceum rings + With reverberating plaudits, and the town thy praises sings, + + Memories of the sands at Lowestoft shall be with you ere you sleep; + In your ears once more shall echo diapason of the deep. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DREAM OF UNFAIRLY-TREATED WOMEN. + +(_A Long Way After the Laureate._)] + + I read, before my eyelids dropt their shade, + A leader on weak women and their woe, + In toil and industry, in art and trade, + In this hard world below. + + And for awhile the thought of the sad part + Played by them and of Fate's ill-balanced scales, + Moistened mine eyelids, and made ache mine heart, + Remembering these strange tales + + Of woman's miseries in every land, + I saw wherever poverty draws breath + Woman and anguish walking hand in hand, + The dreary road to death. + + Those pallid sempstresses of HOOD'S great song + Peopled the hollow dark, not now alone, + And I heard sounds of insult, shame, and wrong, + And grief's sad monotone, + + From hearts, like flints, beaten by tyrant hoofs; + And I saw crowds in sombre sweating-dens, + With reeking walls and dank and dripping roofs-- + Fit scarce for styes or pens. + + Death at home's sin-stained threshold; honour's fall + Dislodging from her throne love's household pet, + And wan-faced purity a tyrant's thrall, + With wild eyes sorrow-wet. + + And unsexed women facing heated blasts + And Tophet fumes, and fluttering tongues of fire; + And virtue staked on most unholy casts, + And honour sold for hire: + + Squadrons and troops of girls of brazen air, + Tramping the tainted city to and fro, + With feverish flauntings veiling chill despair + And deeply-centred woe. + + So shape chased shape. I saw a neat-garbed nurse, + Wan with excessive work; and, bowed with toil, + A shop-girl sickly, of the primal curse + Each looked the helpless spoil. + + Anon I saw a lady, at night's fall + Stiller than chiseled marble, standing there; + A daughter of compassion, slender, tall, + And delicately fair. + + Her weariness with shame and with surprise + My spirit shocked: she turning on my face + The heavy glances of unrested eyes, + Spoke mildly in her place. + + "I have long duties; ask thou not my name + Some say I fret at a fair destiny. + Many I have to tend; to make my claim + Some venture: we shall see." + + "I trust, good lady, that in a fair field, + The case 'twixt you and tyranny will be tried," + I said; then turning promptly I appealed + To one who stood beside. + + She said, "Poor pay, and plenteous fines, and worse, + Made me rebel amidst my mates' applause. + To insubordination I'm averse, + But have I not good cause? + + "We are cut off from hope in our hard place, + Sweet factory? Ah, well, _our_ sweets are few. + We strike for justice. Man might show some grace, + I think, Sir; do not you?" + + Turning I saw, ranging a flowery pile, + One sitting in an entry dark and cold; + A girl with hectic cheeks, and hollow smile; + Wired roses there she sold, + + Or strove to sell; but often on her ear + The harrying voice of stern policedom struck, + And chased her from her vantage, till a tear + Fell at her "wretched luck." + + Again I saw a wan domestic drudge + Scuttering across a smug suburban lawn; + Tired with the nightly watch, the morning trudge, + The toil at early dawn. + + And then a frail and thin-clad governess, + Hurrying to daily misery through the rain. + Toiling, with scanty food, and scanty dress, + Long hours for little gain. + + Anon a spectral shop-girl creeping back + To her dull garret-home through the chill night, + Bowed, heart-sick, spirit-crushed, poor ill-paid hack + Of harsh commercial might! + + These I beheld, the world's sad woman-throng, + Work-ridden vassals of its Mammon-god, + Their destiny to creep and drudge along, + And kiss grief's chastening rod. + + And then I saw a spirit surface-fair, + A Maenad-masked betrayer, base, impure, + But with sin's glittering garb, and radiant air, + Gay laugh, and golden lure. + + It smiled, it beckoned--whither? To the abyss! + But of that throng how many may be drawn + By the gay glamour and the siren kiss + To where sin's soul-gulfs yawn? + + How many? No response my vision gave. + Make answer, if ye may, ye lords of gain! + Make answer, if ye know, ye chiders grave + Of late revolt, and vain! + + Dream of _Fair_ Women? Nay, for work and want + Mar maiden comeliness and matron grace. + Let sober judgment, clear of gush and cant, + The bitter problem face! + + * * * * * + +ERIN AVENGED.--The Irish champions, HAMILTON, PIM, and STOKER, have +won the "All-England" (it _should_ be All-Irish) Tennis Championship, +both Single and Double, beating the hitherto invincible Brothers +RENSHAW, and other lesser Lights of the Lawn. And now at Bisley the +Irish Team have, for the third time in succession, won the Elcho +Challenge Shield. The old caveat will have to be changed into "No +_non_-Irish need apply!" + + * * * * * + +QUITE THE NEWEST SONGS.--"_Over the Sparkling Serpentine_." By the +author and composer of "_Across the Still Lagoon_." "_Five Men in a +Cab_." By the ditto ditto of "_Three Men in a Boat_;" "_Hates Copper +Nightmare_" to follow "_Love's Golden Dream_;" and the "_General's +Dustpan_;" also, shortly; a companion song to the popular "_Admiral's +Broom_." + + * * * * * + +"A GATHERING OF THE CLAN."--According to _Debrett_, the Earl of +CLANCARTY (by the way, the Patent of Nobility granted to this family +in 1793, is consequently not a hundred years old) bears on his arms "A +Sun in splendour." The authority is too good to imagine for a moment +that this can be a misprint! + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Monday_.--Colney Hatch Hussars' Annual private Introspection. Balloon +rises at Chelsea. Sets to partners after midnight. + +_Tuesday_.--Beadle of Burlington Arcade's Copper Wedding Festivities +commence. Kangaroo Shooting in Fleet Street begins. + +_Wednesday_.--_Mr. Punch_ up and out with the lark. Afternoon +Fireworks on the Stock Exchange. Hippopotamus-washing in the +Serpentine commences. + +_Thursday_.--Billiard Championship contest in the Pool below London +Bridge. Cannons supplied by the Tower. Anniversary Festivity to +celebrate the Discovery of cheap Ginger Beer by the Chinese B.C. 3700. + +_Friday_.--Opening of the "Wash and Brush you up" Company's Automatic +Machine, by Prince HENRY of BATTENBERG. Total Eclipse of the Moon, +invisible at Herne Bay and Pekin. + +_Saturday_.--Tinned Oyster Season commences. Fancy Dress Ball at +Bedlam. Close time for Hyaenas in Belgrave Square. + + * * * * * + +The Austrian Inventor, who has just designed his ship of a mile in +length that is to travel through the water at eighty-seven miles an +hour, and cross the Atlantic in something under a day and a half, is, +I am told, only waiting the requisite capital to enable him at once +to set about carrying his project into effect. Each vessel will be +provided with an Opera House a Cathedral, including a Bishop, who +will be one of the ship's salaried officers; a Circus, Cricket-ground, +Cemetery, Race-course, Gambling-saloon, and a couple of lines of +Electric Tram-cars. The total charge for board and transit will +be only 10s. 6d. a day, which will bring the fare to New York +to something like 16s. As it is calculated that at least 100,000 +passengers will cross the Atlantic on each journey, the financial +aspect of the whole concern seems sound. As I said before, the only +difficulty is the capital. Surely some enterprising Croesus who has +thirty millions lying idle in the Two-and-a-half per Cents, might look +at the matter. + + * * * * * + +"A SPORTING TIPSTER" writes:--"Perhaps you are not aware that _the_ +feature of next Season's Foot-ball will be the arrival of a strong +team of the Kajawee Cannibal Islanders, a ferocious race, who have +been instructed in the game by a celebrated Midland half-back. As in +practice they invariably, instead of a foot-ball, use a fresh human +head, and in a scrimmage leave half their number dead on the field, by +having recourse to the 'Kogo' or 'Spine Splitting Stroke,' introduced +from a local athletic game, some excitement will no doubt be +manifested in sporting circles when they meet the Clapham Rovers, as, +I believe, it is arranged they shall do at the Oval, early in November +next." + + * * * * * + +Hats of the style of the earliest portion of the Saxon Heptarchy +will _not_, after all, be seen in the Row during this Season, though +several male leaders of fashion are stated to have given orders for +them on an approved model. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WASTED EPIGRAM. + +"WHERE IS THE EVENING _GAZETTE_, WAITER?' + +"PLEASE, SIR, IT'S NOT YET _SEWN_." + +"_SOWN_, SIR! IT OUGHT TO HAVE _COME UP_!"] + + * * * * * + +MINE AND THINE. + + [In a recent case, a promoter of Gold Mining Companies + was asked if any of his Companies had ever paid a penny of + dividend. His answer was, "You cannot know much about gold + mines to ask such a question." He admitted, however, that he + himself had made some L50 000 out of them. "This," he said, + "is not profit; it is the realisation of property."] + + Take a patch of land in Africa and multiply by ten, + Then extract a ton of metal from an ounce or two of sand; + Write a roseate prospectus with a magnifying pen, + Making deserts flow with honey in a rich and smiling land. + + Take some crumbs of truth, and spread them with a covering of bosh, + And conceal them in a pie-crust labelled "Promises to pay"; + Hide away all dirty linen, or remove it home to wash, + And then begin the process which the wise ones call "Convey." + + Next collect a band of brothers, all inspired by one desire. + To subserve the public interest, single-hearted men and true; + Stuff with shares, and thus permit them in your kindness to acquire, + At a price, the vendor's property,--the vendor being you. + + Then, since _you_ must make a profit, call the public to your aid; + Let them give you all their money, which they think they only lend: + And of course you mustn't tell them, till the fools have safely paid, + Mines were made for sinking money, not for raising dividend. + + And the clergy bring their savings, the widows bring their store, + And they push to reach your presence, and they jostle and they fall, + And at last they pile their money in a heap before your door; + And, just to make them happy, you accept and keep it all. + + So you make your mine by begging--(modern miners never dig),-- + And you float a gorgeous Company. The shares go spinning up; + But you never "rig the market." (What an awkward word is "rig"!) + And you drain success in bumpers from an overflowing cup. + + Then one day the thing gets shaky, and it goes from bad to worse, + And the public grasps a shadow where it tried to hold a share; + And in vain the country clergy most unclerically curse, + _You_ have "realised your property," and end a millionnaire. + + * * * * * + +COMING SEA-SCRAPES AT CHELSEA. + +(_DRAWN BY AN INSIDER._) + +MR. PUNCH, SIR, + +That the sister Service should also have its turn at Chelsea I +reckon I can understand, and the Show ought to be popular; but if +the Admiralty want to make a further "exhibition" of themselves, they +won't have to go very far a-field for material. Here are one or two +exhibits that come to hand at once. First, there's those big guns +which it ain't safe to fire nohow, and which, if you do load with half +a charge, crack, bend, and get sent back to be "ringed" up, whatever +that means, and are not safe, even for a salute, ever afterwards. +Then, in another case, they might show a foot or two of that blessed +boiler-piping which is always leaking, or splitting, or bursting, just +when it shouldn't. In a third they might display a chop that had been +cooked from lying exposed in one of those famous stokeholes where +the poor beggars of sailors are expected to pass their time without +getting roasted too. Then there might be, as a sort of prize puzzle, +a plan of these here recent manoeuvres, with the Umpire's opinion +of the whole blessed jumble tacked on to it. Then, to enliven the +proceedings. Lord GEORGE might take his turn with the rest of the +Admiralty Board, and give us, every half hour or so, a figure or two +of the Hornpipe, just to let the public see that they have got some +sort of nautical "go" about them to warrant them in drawing their big +screw. Bless you, _Mr. Punch_, there's lots to make an Exhibition of +at Chelsea next year if you come to calculate. Leastways that's the +opinion of your humble servant and admirer, + +A TAX-PAYING LANDLUBBER. + + * * * * * + +ON GUARDS! + +THE BAD FORM OF THE PAST. + +[Illustration] + +There he stood in his evening dress, with a half-smoked cigarette +between his lips. He had been knocking about Piccadilly all day, +had dined at the Junior, looked in at the Opera, and finished at the +Steak. He seemed a civilian of civilians. The most casual observer +would have declared that he could never have seen the inside of a +barrack-yard. So no surprise was expressed when the question was asked +him. + +"What am I?" he repeated, languidly, and then he replied, with a yawn, +"Can't you see, old Chappie? Why, an Officer in the Guards!" + +THE GOOD FORM OF THE FUTURE. + +There he stood in his neat, serviceable undress uniform, with a cigar +between his lips. He had abandoned the swagger frogged coat and silk +sash for the unpretending patrol jacket of his brethren in the Line. +He had been hard at work all day in barracks, inspecting meals, +visiting the hospital, attending parades. He had paid his company +personally, had seen every man, and found that there were no +complaints. He had attended a mess meeting, and had dined at mess, +playing a rubber afterwards (sixpenny points) in the ante-room. +He knew as much about the internal economy of the Battalion as the +Colonel, the Adjutant, or the Sergeant-Major. He seemed a soldier of +soldiers. The most casual observer would have declared that he was +acquainted with every inch of the barrack-yard. So general surprise +was expressed when the question was asked him. + +"What am I?" he repeated, briskly; and then he replied, with a smile, +"Can't you see, stupid? Why, an Officer in the Guards!" + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT A GARDEN-PARTY. + + SCENE--_A London Lawn. A Band in a costume half-way between + the uniforms of a stage hussar and a circus groom, is + performing under a tree. Guests discovered slowly pacing the + turf, or standing and sitting about in groups._ + +_Mrs. Maynard Gery_ (_to her Brother-in-law--who is thoroughly aware +of her little weaknesses_). Oh, PHIL,--you know everybody--_do_ tell +me! Who is that common-looking, little man with the scrubby beard, and +the very yellow gloves--how does he come to be _here_? + +_Phil_. Where? Oh, I see him. Well--have you read _Sabrina's Uncle's +Other Niece?_ + +_Mrs. M.G._ No--_ought_ I to have? I never even heard of it! + +_Phil_. Really? I wonder at that--tremendous hit--you must order +it--though I doubt if you'll be able to get it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Oh, I shall _insist_ on having it. And _he_ wrote it? +Really, PHIL, now I come to look at him, there's something rather +striking about his face. Did you say _Sabrina's Niece's Other +Aunt_--or what? + +_Phil_. _Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece_ was what I _said_--not that it +signifies. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Oh, but I always attach the greatest importance to names, +myself. And do you know him? + +_Phil_. What, TABLETT? Oh, yes--decent little chap; not much to say +for himself, you know. + +_Mrs. M.G._ I don't mind _that_ when a man is _clever_--do you think +you could bring him up and introduce him? + +_Phil_. Oh, I _could_--but I won't answer for your not being +disappointed in him. + +_Mrs. M.G._ I have never been disappointed in any genius +_yet_--perhaps, because I don't expect too much--so go, dear boy; he +may be surrounded unless you get hold of him soon. [_PHIL obeys_. + +_Phil_ (_accosting the Scrubby Man_). Well, TABLETT, old fellow, how +are things going with you? _Sabrina_ flourishing? + +_Mr. Tablett_ (_enthusiastically_). It's a tremendous hit, my boy; +orders coming in so fast they don't know how to execute 'em--there's a +fortune in it, as I always told you! + +_Phil_. Capital!--but you've such luck. By the way, my sister-in-law +is most anxious to know you. + +_Mr. T._ (_flattered_). Very kind of her. I shall be delighted. I was +just thinking I felt quite a stranger here. + +_Phil_. Come along then, and I'll introduce you. If she asks you +to her parties by any chance, mind you go--sure to meet a lot of +interesting people. + +_Mr. T._ (_pulling up his collar_). Just what I enjoy--meeting +interesting people--the only society worth cultivating, to my mind, +Sir. Give me _intellect_--it's of more value than wealth! + + [_They go in search of Mrs. M.G._ + +_First Lady on Chair_. Look at the dear Vicar, getting that poor +Lady PAWPERSE an ice. What a very spiritual expression he has, to be +sure--really quite apostolic! + +_Second Lady_. We are not in his parish, but I have always heard him +spoken of as a most excellent man. + +_First Lady_. Excellent! My dear, that man is a perfect _Saint_! I +don't believe he knows what it is to have a single worldly thought! +And such trials as he has to bear, too! With that _dreadful_ wife of +his! + +_Second Lady_. That's the wife, isn't it?--the dowdy little woman, all +alone, over there? Dear me, what _could_ he have married her for? + +_First Lady_. Oh, for her _money_, of course, my dear! + +_Mrs. Pattallons_ (_to Mrs. ST. MARTIN SOMERVILLE_). Why, it really +_is_ you! I absolutely didn't know you at first. I was just thinking, +"Now who _is_ that young and lovely person coming along the path?" You +see--I came out without my glasses to-day, which accounts for it! + +_Mr. Chuck_ (_meeting a youthful Matron and Child_). Ah, Mrs. SHARPE, +how de do! _I'm_ all right. Hullo, TOTO, how are _you_, eh, young +lady? + +_Toto_ (_primly_). I'm very well indeed, thank you. (_With sudden +interest_). How's the idiot? Have you seen him lately? + +_Mr. C._ (_mystified_). The idiot, eh? Why, fact is, I don't _know_ +any idiot!--give you my word! + +_Toto_ (_impatiently_). Yes, you _do_--_you_ know. The one Mummy says +you're next door to--you must see him _sometimes_! You _did_ say Mr. +CHUCK was next door to an idiot, didn't you, Mummy? + + [_Tableau._ + +_Mrs. Prattleton_. Let me see--_did_ we have a fine Summer in '87? +Yes, of course--I always remember the weather by the clothes we wore, +and that June and July we wore scarcely anything--some filmy stuff +that belonged to one's ancestress, don't you know. _Such_ fun! By the +way, what has become of Lucy? + +_Mrs. St. Patticker_. Oh, I've quite lost sight of her lately--you +see she's so perfectly happy now, that she's ceased to be in the least +interesting! + +_Mrs. Hussiffe_ (_to Mr. DE MURE_). Perhaps _you_ can tell me of a +good coal merchant? The people who supply me now are perfect _fiends_, +and I really must go somewhere else. + +_Mr. De Mure_. Then I'm afraid you must be rather difficult to please. + + Mr. TABLETT _has been introduced to_ Mrs. MAYNARD GERY--_with + the following result_. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_enthusiastically_). I'm so delighted to make your +acquaintance. When my brother-in-law told me who you were, +I positively very nearly shrieked. I am such an admirer of +your--(_thinks she won't commit herself to the whole title--and +so compounds_)--your delightful _Sabrina_! + +_Mr. T._ Most gratified to hear it, I'm sure, I'm told there's a +growing demand for it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Such a hopeful sign--when one was beginning quite to +despair of the public taste! + +_Mr. T._ Well, I've always said--So long as you give the Public a +really first-rate article, and are prepared to spend any amount of +money on _pushing_ it, you know, you're sure to see a handsome return +for your outlay--in the long run. And you see, I've had this carefully +analysed, by competent judges-- + +_Mrs. M.G._ Ah, but _you_ can feel independent of criticism, can't +you? + +_Mr. T._ Oh, I defy anyone to find anything unwholesome in it--it's as +suitable for the most delicate child as it is for adults--nothing to +irritate the most sensitive-- + +_Mrs. M.G._ Ah, you mean certain critics are so thin-skinned--they are +indeed! + +_Mr. T._ (_warming to his subject_). But the beauty of this particular +composition is that it causes absolutely _no_ unpleasantness or +inconvenience afterwards. In some cases, indeed, it acts like a charm. +I've known of two cases of long-standing erysipelas it has completely +cured. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_rather at sea_). How gratifying that must be. But that +is the magic of all truly great work, it is such an _anodyne_--it +takes people so completely out of themselves--doesn't it? + +_Mr. T._ It takes anything of that sort out of _them_, Ma'am. It's the +finest discovery of the age, no household will be without it in a few +months--though perhaps I say it who shouldn't. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_still more astonished_). Oh, but I _like_ to hear you. +I'm so tired of hearing people pretending to disparage what they have +done, it's such a _pose_, and I hate posing. Real genius is _never_ +modest. (_If he had been more retiring, she would have, of course, +reversed this axiom_.) I _wish_ you would come and see me on one of +my Tuesdays, Mr. TABLETT, I should feel so honoured, and I think you +would meet some congenial spirits--do look in some evening--I will +send you a card if I may--let me see--could you come and lunch next +Sunday? I've got a little man coming who was very nearly eaten up by +cannibals. I think _he_ would interest you. + +_Mr. T._ I shall be proud to meet him. Er--did they eat _much_ of him? + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_who privately thinks this rather vulgar_). How _witty_ +you are! That's quite worthy of a--_Sabrina_, really! Then you _will_ +come? So glad. And now I mustn't keep you from your other admirers any +longer. [_She dismisses him_. + +LATER. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_to her Brother-in-law_). How _could_ you say that dear +Mr. TABLETT was _dull_, PHIL? I found him perfectly charming--so +original and unconventional! He's promised to come to me. By the way, +_what_ did you say the name of his book was? + +_Phil_. I never said he had written a book. + +_Mrs. M.G._ PHIL--you _did_!--_Sabrina's Other--Something_. Why, I've +been _praising_ it to him, entirely on your recommendation. + +_Phil_. No, no--_your_ mistake. I only asked you if you'd read +_Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece_, and, as I made up the title on the +spur of the moment, I should have been rather surprised if you had. +_He_ never wrote a line in his life. + +_Mrs. M.G._ How _abominable_ of you! But surely he's famous for +_something_? He talks like it. [_With reviving hope_. + +_Phil_. Oh, yes, he's the inventor and patentee of the new "Sabrina" +Soap--he says he'll make a fortune over it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ But he hasn't even done _that_ yet! PHIL, I'll _never_ +forgive you for letting me make such an idiot of myself. What _am_ +I to do now? I _can't_ have him coming to me--he's really too +impossible! + +_Phil_. Do? Oh, order some of the soap, and wash your hands of him, I +suppose--not that he isn't a good deal more presentable than some of +your lions, after all's said and done! + + [_Mrs. M.G., before she takes her leave, contrives to inform + Mr. TABLETT, with her prettiest penitence, that she has only + just recollected that her luncheon party is put off, and that + her Tuesdays are over for the Season. Directly she returns to + Town, she promises to let him hear from her; in the meantime, + he is not to think of troubling himself to call. So there is + no harm done, after all_. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +(_LAST WEEK OF OPERA._) + +[Illustration: Hamlet Personally Conducted.] + +_Monday_.--_Hamlet_. Music by AMBROISE THOMAS, and _libretto_ by +Messieurs CARRE and BARBIER, who seem to have read _Hamlet_ once +through, after which they wrote down as a _libretto_ what they +remembered, of the story. It would be difficult to mention any Opera +less dramatic than this. The question arises at once, adapting the +immortal phrase of JAMES LE SIFFLEUR, "Why lug in _Hamlet_?" Why +not have called it _Ophelia_? Whatever interest there may be in the +Opera--and there is very little--is centred entirely in _Ophelia_. +The _Ghost_ is utterly purposeless, but of distinguished appearance +as a robust spectre, marching in at one gate, and out at another, or +hiding behind a sofa, and popping up suddenly, in order to frighten +an equally purposeless _Hamlet._ Like father, like son. M. LASSALLE +is a fine, substantial, baritonial _Hamlet_, who is always posturing, +weeping, calling out _ma mere_, and blubbering on the ample matronly +bosom of his mother, Madame RICHARD ("O RICHARD! _O ma Reine_!") +like a big, blubbering, overgrown schoolboy. Were I inclined to +disquisitionise, I should say that Messieurs CARRE and BARBIER have +actually realised SHAKSPEARE's own description of his jelly-fleshed +hero, whose mind is as shaky as his well-covered body. _Hamlet_ +was--as SHAKSPEARE took care to emphasise--"fat, and scant of +breath"--which was the physical description of the actor who first +impersonated the leading _role_ of this play; and the French author's +idea of _Hamlet_ was, accordingly, a fat youth, very much out of +condition, home from Wittenberg College, in consequence of his +father's recent decease. + +[Illustration: Hamlet is out of it in the last Act. Why wasn't he +brought into the Ballet?] + +Some of the lighter musical portions of the Opera are charming, and +the Chorus at the end of Act I, might have been written by OFFENBACH. +But what is there of the story? Nothing. The King is not killed: the +Queen isn't poisoned: _Polonius_ is not stabbed behind the arras, +having been, perhaps, killed before the Opera commenced, since his +name appears in the book but not in the programme, and the only person +on the stage that I could possibly associate with that dear old +Lord Chamberlain was M. MIRANDA, who had donned a white beard and a +different robe from what he had been previously wearing as _Horatio_ +in the First and Second Acts, in order to enter and lead the King +away, in an interpolated and ineffective scene which was not in the +book. A very hard-working Opera for the principals, and a thankless +task. _Hamlet's_ drinking song fine, and finely sung. But the whole +point of the Opera is in the last Act, where there is a _ballet_ that +has nothing to do with the piece, but pretty to see little PALLADINO +in short white skirts, dancing merrily in a forest glade, among the +happy peasantry, to whom comes _Ophelia_, mad as several hatters, +and after a lunatic scene, charming, both musically and dramatically, +throws herself into the water, and dies singing. + +Here is a suggestion for the effective compression and reduction +of the Opera, and if my plan be accepted, DRURIOLANUS will earn the +eternal gratitude of those who would like to hear all that is good in +it, and to skip, as PALLADINO does, the rest. Thus:-- + +ACT I.--_Enter_ HAMLET. _Solo. Exit. Enter_ OPHELIA. _Solo. Re-enter_ +HAMLET. OPHELIA _and_ HAMLET _love-duet. Exit_ OPHELIA. HAMLET'S +_Friends come in, and he sings them a Drinking Song with Chorus. All +join in Chorus and Dance. Curtain_. + +[Illustration: An awkward moment for Hamlet. Row with his Mother and +Ophelia.] + +ACT II.--_Opening Chorus (anything; it doesn't matter if it's only +pretty and bright). Enter_ HAMLET. _Solo_. "_Etre, ou ne pas etre." +Enter_ OPHELIA _with book, pretends not to see_ HAMLET. _Solo. Enter_ +Queen. OPHELIA _complains to her that_ HAMLET _isn't behaving like +a gentleman._ Queen _upbraids_ HAMLET: _So does_ OPHELIA: HAMLET +_depressed, Exit_ Queen R.H. _Exit_ OPHELIA L.H. HAMLET _remains, +evidently going mad_. PALLADINO _looks in. Dances_. HAMLET _joins her. +Enter Friends, Courtiers, Peasants, and other Friends. All join in +ballet_, HAMLET _included. Enter_ Keepers, _and_ HAMLET _is taken off +to Hanwellhagen_. OPHELIA _rushes in, faints. Curtain_. + +ACT III.--_Meadows near Hanwellhagen, in Denmark. Dance of Lunatics, +out for a holiday. To them enter OPHELIA. All the charming music, +delightful, and, this being finished, she chucks herself away into the +stream. Curtain_. + +Great call for everybody concerned. And, if the above scheme be +adopted, the Opera would be over before eleven, having begun at nine. +I present this with my compliments to DRURIOLANUS and AMBROISE THOMAS; +and, if he is not "a doubting THOMAS," he will try this plan. + +The remainder of the week passed away happily, so I hear, but was not +able to be in my place, as I was at somebody else's place far, far +away. The Opera has been, from the first, a big success. Should like +to hear _Masaniello_ once again. Perhaps that is a treat in store for +all of us. Thus ends the Opera-goer's Diary for 1890, and everybody is +highly satisfied and delighted. Curtain. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL PARADOX. + + When Autumn comes, our womenfolk prepare + To grind the "old old tune" called "change of air." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MRS. HIGHFLYER'S DANCE, 2 A.M. + +"AH! IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR THE FOOTMEN,--AND IT'S ALL VERY WELL +FOR THE GALS,--BUT IT'S PRECIOUS 'ARD ON US COACHMEN AND THE PORE +MOTHERS!"] + + * * * * * + +"OUR TURN NOW!" + +_OR, MR. BULL AND THE WANDERING MINSTRELS._ + + _Mr. Bull_. Confound these Wandering Minstrels! Oh, the bore of them! + Only just settled with yon tow-hair'd fellow + Turning the corner, and behold two more of them, + Prepared to grind and tootle, blow and bellow, + Until I tip _them_ in a liberal fashion. + Upon my word, their noise is something shocking; + Enough to put a person in a passion. + Menaces slighting and remonstrance mocking, + They stand and twangle, tootle, grind, and gurgle + Their horrible cacophony. Find it funny, + Ye grinners? Might as well my mansion burgle, + As "row" me forcibly out of my money. + The Teuton tootler, being tipped, is "sloping," + Patting his pocket with a smile complacent. + The Gallic blower, for like treatment hoping, + Grins at the Portuguese who grinds adjacent. + What a _charivari_! Oh, I _must_ stop it! + I say, you rascal with the hurdy-gurdy, + More than enough of that vile shindy; drop it! + And you, my brazen, blatant, would-be VERDI, + Hush that confounded horn, or go and blow it + At--Jericho. _My_ walls you will not tumble + By windy shindy, and you ought to know it. + + _Horn-Player_. Bah! ze old hombogs! He sall growl and grumble + But he vill _pay_ ven it come to ze pinches; + I know him, ze cantankerous _vieux_ chappie. + Ze German yonder, vy he take ze inches, + And get ze Hel-igoland! Now he quite happy. + I do ze same. _Pom! Pom!_ Zat blast vos thunder! + How he do tear his hair and tvist his features. + He svear, but he vill vat you call "knock under." + + _Mr. Bull_. I say, you Portugee, smallest of creatures, + And noisiest for your size, shut up, and hook it! + + _Hurdy-gurdy_. _Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ Zey say zat ze old fool is + skveezable, + Melting in his own heat. Py gar, he _look_ it. + Ze Teuton yonder find zat he vas teaseable + Out of ze "tip," ze big _pour-boire_. He got him, + He go, he grin! Sall I not take ze hint too? + I get him too--_I_ go. But I no let him + Drive me away, as he did SERPA PINTO. + _Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ I see zat he no like ze grinding. + Soo mooch ze bettare! He sall give mooch money; + Ze _pour-boire_, someveres, he sall soon be finding, + If I keep on. Zeese Eenglish are so funny. + + _Tutto_. Ze money for ze Minstrels! Kvick! So sall you + Get rid of us. Like to ze artful gloser + In Mistare SEYMOUR'S sketch, _ve_ "know ze value + Of peace and kvie'ness." Pay us, ve go, Sir! [_Left tootling._ + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN PROPHET._) + +Am I going to Goodwood? I answer that question by another. Is it +likely that a race-meeting of any pretensions can possibly do without +one whom even his enemies acknowledge to be the only accurate and +high-minded sporting writer in the world? Those who care (and I +devoutly hope that Mr. J., whose brains equal those of a newly-born +tadpole, will not be amongst the number) can see me at any moment on +pronouncing the password, "mealy-mouth," in my old place, _close to +the space devoted to Royalty._ Yes, I shall be there. In the meantime, +I propose to treat of the horses as only I can treat of them. I have +nothing to say against _Pioneer_, except that the name promises very +well for one who means to lead the way. _Nous verrons_, as RACINE +said, on a celebrated occasion. As for _The Imp_, I cannot too +strongly lay it down that only blue devils are bad for the digestion, +and _Galloping Queen_ may gallop farther than or not so far as _Miss +Ethel_. A miss must be better than a mile to win. If _Theophilus_ were +_Formidable_, or if _Imogene_ possessed a _Grecian Bend_, it might be +necessary to sound _Reveille_ in _Rotten Row_, which would certainly +be a _Marvel_. Not being a roadster, I sometimes like _The Field_. + +The above information ought to be sufficient to guide anybody whose +brains are calculated to fill an egg-cup. All others may go to +Earlswood, where they will probably meet Mr. J. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUR TURN NOW!" + +FRANCE AND PORTUGAL (_who know the value of Peace and Quiet_). "YOU +GIVE GERMAN SOMESING,--HE GO VAY! YOU GIVE _US_ SOMESING,--_VE_ GO +VAY!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_BEFORE_ MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.) + +_AN ANGLO-INDIAN GENTLEMAN INTRODUCED._ + +[Illustration] + +_The Commissioner_. Well, Sir, What can I do for you? + +_Anglo-Indian_. I wish respectfully to call your attention, Sir, +to our case, which is now before a Parliamentary Committee. I am +an Indian Civil Servant. I am called a member of the Uncovenanted +Service, but I contend that such a term is a misnomer. Originally the +Uncovenanted Service consisted of Natives of India, who were employed, +without covenant, to do subordinate official work, under the direction +of the Covenanted Civil Service. The bulk of these persons were +overseers and tax-collectors. + +_The Com._ Has there been any alteration of late years? I see you lay +a stress upon _originally_. + +_Anglo-In._ At this moment there are in the Service, in one department +alone--the Educational--a Senior Classic, a Second Wrangler, several +other Wranglers, and many Fellows of Oxford and Cambridge, who took +high honours with their degrees. The Service now requires great +technical knowledge, as it has to deal with Archaeology, Finance, +Geological Survey, Public Works, and Telegraphy, and can only be +entered by Europeans, who have been selected by nomination, or after +competition, either by the Secretary of State for India, or the +Government of India. It is not an Uncovenanted Service, as we now +enter it with the prospect of pension; and one of our grievances +is, that that prospect has become less favourable through the recent +action of our employers. + +_The Com._ Be kind enough to explain. + +_Anglo-In._ Certainly, Sir. When we entered the Service our pension, +after serving thirty years, was stated by the Secretary of State to +be L500. Naturally this was taken to mean gold, but because years ago +the Service consisted of Natives, the Government hit upon the plan of +paying us in silver, which at the present rate means a loss of L150 in +the L500. + +_The Com._ Are the members of the other Indian Services, Civil and +Military, treated in like manner? + +_Anglo-In._ No, they are paid their pensions in gold. + +_The Com._ Well, considering the class of men who now enter your +Service I do not see why you should be put at so great a disadvantage. +Have you any other grievances? + +_Anglo-In._ Well, thirty years is a long time to have to serve in a +climate as trying as the tropics, especially when we are not allowed +to count furlough as service. + +_The Com._ I think so, too. Then I may sum up your grievances thus. +You are educated men, and therefore deserve fair treatment. You +would consider fair treatment, payment of pensions in gold, and the +lessening of the years of service necessary to earn the right of +retirement? + +_Anglo-In._ Exactly, Sir; and I cannot thank you sufficiently for +putting our case so plainly. + +_The Com._ Not at all. Should you receive no redress within a +reasonable time, you may mention the matter to me again. + + [_The Witness with a grateful bow then withdrew_. + + * * * * * + +THE SHADOW OF A CASE! + +(_TO THE EDITOR OF PUNCH._) + +DEAR SIR,--As the leading forensic journal of this great country (your +contemporary _Weekly Notes_ runs you pretty close occasionally in some +of its reports), I address you. It was my painful duty a few days ago +(I had to "take a note" for a colleague, an occupation more honourable +than lucrative), to be present at a cause that was heard before the +President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High +Court of Justice and a Special Jury. The trial created considerable +interest, not only amongst the general public, but amongst that branch +of our honourable Profession represented by the Junior Bar, no doubt, +because certain points of law, not easily recognisable--I frankly +confess, I myself, am unable to recount them--were no doubt in +question, and had to be decided by competent authority. The Counsel +directly engaged were some of the brightest ornaments of Silk and +Stuff. Amongst the rest were my eloquent and learned friend, Sir +CHARLES RUSSELL, my erudite and learned friend Mr. INDERWICK (whose +_Side-lights upon the Stuarts_, is a marvel of antiquarian research), +and my mirth-compelling and learned friend Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, +whose law is only equalled (if, indeed, it is equalled) by his comic +draughtmanship. As the details of the trial have been fully reported, +there is no necessity to go into particulars. However, there was a +feature in the case that the passing notice of an article in one or +more of the leading journals is scarcely sufficient to meet. + +It was proved that the detective part of divorce (if I may use the +expression) may be conducted in a fashion, to say the least, of not +the most entirely satisfactory character. A talented family were +called before us, whose performances were, from one point of view, +extremely amusing. But, Sir, although (as you will be the first to +admit) laughter is a most excellent thing in its proper place, the +sound of cachinnation is seldom pleasing in the Divorce Court. Under +these circumstances I would propose that, in future, Divorce Shadowing +should be put under the protection of the State. There should be a +special department, and the Shadowers should be of the distinguished +position of Mr. MCDOUGALL of the London County Council, and the like. +The office of the rank and file of the Shadowers should be honorary, +as the pleasure of following in (possibly) unsavoury steps in the +cause of virtue, would be to them, I presume, ample reward for any +trouble the labour might entail. I would willingly myself undertake +the responsibilities attaching to the post of Director-General, of +course on the understanding that a suitable provision were made, not +only as compensation for the loss of my practice, but also that I +might perform the duties of the office with suitable dignity. But when +I say this, I would add, that I should reserve to myself the right of +seeking the supplementary services of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, +and Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, as assessors in assisting me to +distinguish between innocence and vice, and guilt and virtue. + +Believe me, with an expression of all necessary respect for "the +Nobility" connected with the case to which I have referred, and +admiration for the courage of a certain Militiaman, exhibited by his +entering the witness-box, and there facing the cross-examination he so +richly deserved, I remain, Yours truly, + +(_Signed_) A BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + +_Pump-handle Court, July 29, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Poet and Prophet are nearly allied. Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN is an +illustration of this, in his recently published _English Lyrics_ +(MACMILLAN) all of which he must have written in utter ignorance +of the doings of the Chairman of the County Council. Yet, hath the +Prophetic Poet these lines:-- + + "Primrose, why do you pass away?" + +And the Primrose's return: + + "Nay, rather, why should we longer stay?" + +But the Conservative bias of the Poet is shown in the next line: + + "_We_ are not needed," &c. + +The commencement of the poem, however, as here quoted, is evidently an +inspiration for which the Poet was not responsible. It is a charming +little volume of charming verse. It is good poetic wine, which +needs not the bush provided by Mr. WILLIAM WATSON in the shape of a +thickset introduction. What, asks W.W., is the attitude of ALFRED +AUSTIN towards Nature? This recalls a well-known scene in _Nicholas +Nickleby_--"She's a rum 'un, is Natur'," said _Mr. Squeers_. "She +is a holy thing, Sir," remarked _Mr. Snawley_. "Natur'," said _Mr. +Squeers_, solemnly, "is more easier conceived than described. Oh, +what a blessed thing, Sir, to be in a state of natur'!" And these +observations of Messrs. _Snawley_ and _Squeers_ pretty accurately sum +up all that the ingenious WILLIAM WATSON has to say about Natur' and +ALFRED AUSTIN. The moral of which lies in the application of it, which +is,--skip the preface, and make plunge into the poetry. + +A good deal has been written in olden time and of late about the +Oberammergau Passion Play. Nothing has been better done than the +work by Mr. EDWARD R. RUSSELL, formerly M.P. for Glasgae, who visited +Oberammergau this year. His account is instinct with keen criticism, +fine feeling, and reasoning reverence. Moreover, whilst other works +are padded out into bulky volumes, he says all that need be said in +fifteen pages of a pleasantly-printed booklet--price sixpence. It is +a reprint from letters which the errant Editor contributed to his +journal, the _Liverpool Daily Post_, at the sign of which copies may +be had. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +Art's Friends and Foe! + + TATE, WALLACE, AGNEW! Here be three good names, + Friends of true Art, and furtherers of her aims; + Munificence but waits to take sound shape; + Say, shall it be frustrated by--Red Tape? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BUZZY TIME FOR THE MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE. + +{Persons interested should secure the Government paper containing +all the information in regard to the Hessian Fly, and other injurious +insects and fungi.}] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE CHURCH-GOING BELL." + +SUNDAY MORNING, COAST OF NORWAY. + +(_By Our Yotting Artist._)] + + * * * * * + +JOHNNY, MAKE ROOM FOR DELONCLE! + +(_NEW NORTH AFRICAN VERSION OF AN OLD SONG._) + + "M. DELONCLE, in his conversation with a Belgian reporter, + puts in a claim for practically the whole of the northern + half of Africa, with the possible exception of Egypt."--_The + Times_. + + AIR--"_Tommy, make room for your Uncle_." + + _Deputy_ DELONCLE (_addressing_ JOHNNY BULL) _sings_:-- + + Nothing but deserts now left for France! + Hang it! That _will_ not do! + Therefore DELONCLE her claims must advance, + Mighty they are, nor few. + Right from Oubanghi unto Lake Tchad, + Through Wadai and Ba-gir-mi! + JOHNNY, my lad, I shall be glad + If you'll make room for ME! + + _Chorus_. + + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE, + There's a little dear! + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE, + He wants to stay here. + He needs the whole of North Africa! + (The rest he may leave to you), + Do not annoy, there's a good boy! + Make room for DELONCLE, do! + + To So-ko-to and the Gan-do, + Your claims you must resign. + If France goes far from Zanzibar, + _I_'ll draw a new boundary line. + To the east of the Niger by latitude ten! + That is our mi-ni-_mum_! + Ours the Sahara! Yes, _che sara sara!_ + Therefore don't _you_ look glum! + + _Chorus_. + + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE! + The Niger is ours, that's clear. + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE! + He doesn't want _you_ here. + France must take up her traditional _role_ + (Of grabbing all she _can_ do) + So, JOHNNY, my boy, don't you annoy; + Make room for DELONCLE, _do_! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM + +THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 21.--RITCHIE got another Bill +through; not a measure of high imperial policy; nothing to do either +with Heligoland or Zanzibar; only proposes to improve in various +ways the dwellings of the industrial classes. Still, as JOKIM has +shown in connection with one or two of his little Bills, it is +quite possible nearly to wreck a Ministry even on matter-of-fact +business arrangements. But RITCHIE isn't JOKIM, and so his Bill +passes to-night, taking two steps at a time, both sides uniting in +congratulation and cheers. WALTER FOSTER, rising, salutes the Minister +with a quite touching bless-you-my-child attitude. FOSTER rather +hints that the Bill everyone is so pleased with, is really his. True, +RITCHIE'S name is on back, and he took charge of it in its passage +through Committee and House. But the real man was FOSTER; his +Amendments had made the Bill; he had moulded it in Committee, and now +here he was to give it his blessing. Rather delicate position; sort of +cracking up himself, which FOSTER would not do for the world; blushed +a little, as he praised the Bill; otherwise accomplished his task with +ease and grace, whilst RITCHIE, listening, twitched his eyebrows, and +thought unutterable things. + +"I wish," said OLD MORALITY, "we had an embarrassment of RITCHIES, or +even two or three more like him." + +OLD MORALITY been rather worried to-night; a hail-storm of questions +on all sorts of subjects; amongst others, TIM HEALY and WILFRID +LAWSON badgering him about the Local Taxation Bill. When is it really +intended to take it? LAWSON asks OLD MORALITY back at the table again +for twentieth time; literally gasping for breath; looked round House +with anguished expression; then happy thought strikes him; "Mr. +SPEAKER, Sir," he says, "it is really impossible to do more than one +thing at a time." + +The pathetic earnestness with which this axiom was advanced, the +sudden swift spasm of conviction that had flashed it across his mind, +his certainty of the soundness of the assertion (paradoxical though +it might appear), and his hasty, anxious glance below the Gangway +opposite, apprehensive that that quarter would peradventure furnish +a person capable of controverting it, all filled the House with keen +delight. Laughed for full sixty seconds by Westminster clock; OLD +MORALITY standing at table looking round and wondering what on earth +he'd said now. + +_Business done._--Census Bills read Second Time. + +_Tuesday_.--Pretty quiet sitting, till DIMSDALE craftily crept upon +the scene. Don't often hear from this distinguished member of the +Order of Noble Barons; generally content to serve his country by +voting for the Government. To-night stirred in sluggish depths +by omission of Government in preparing Census Bill to provide for +Religious Census; so the Noble Baron moves Amendment designed to +authorise Religious Census. Opposition Benches nearly empty; those +present listen listlessly; know it's all right; Government are pledged +against Religious Census; no harm in the Noble Baron moving his +Amendment and making his speech; the Bill as introduced is safe. + +[Illustration: Another Noble Baron.] + +Then up gets RITCHIE; drops remark, in off-hand manner, as if it did +not signify, that Members on Ministerial side are free to vote as they +please. Sudden change of attitude in Opposition Benches. Listlessness +vanishes; a whisper of treachery goes round; CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN makes +hot protest; HARCOURT sent for; comes in gleefully; matters been going +so quietly, place unbearable for him; now a row imminent, HARCOURT +joyously returns to Front Bench. Seats fill up on both sides; OLD +MORALITY hurries in; situation explained to him; dolefully shakes his +head; HARCOURT thunders denunciation of a Ministry that plays fast +and loose with House; then OLD MORALITY gets up, and publicly abjures +DIMSDALE and his Amendment. It was, he explained, only RITCHIE'S fun +in saying Ministerialists were free to vote as they pleased on this +matter. The Government were against the Amendment, and of course good +Ministerialists would vote with Ministers. So they did, and DIMSDALE'S +rising hopes crushed by majority of 288 against 69. + +_Business done._--English Census Bill passed through Committee. + +_Wednesday_.--Came across NICHOLAS WOOD in remote corner of Corridor; +had the depressed look familiar when he has been wrestling with great +mental problems and finds himself worsted. + +"What's the matter now, NICHOLAS? Thinking over what OLD MORALITY said +yesterday about impossibility of doing more than one thing at a time?" + +"No, TOBY," he said, wearily; "it's not that; gave that up at once. +OLD MORALITY's a good fellow, but he's too subtle for me. It's this +Police Question that bothers me; give up a good deal of time to +mastering it. Sort of thing seemed likely to suit me; heard all +MATTHEWS' speeches; tried to follow CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM; courted +CONYBEARE'S company, and pursued PICKERSGILL with inquiries. Thought +I'd got a pretty clear notion of what it all meant; and now it turns +out all to have led up to making PULESTON Constable of Carnarvon. +Never heard his name before in connection with the Police Question. +He took no part in discussions; had nothing to do with it I ever heard +of; just when I was comfortably getting on another tack, the whole +question centres on PULESTON. It seems _he_ was the Police Question, +and now he's Constable of Carnarvon. Why Carnarvon? Why not stationed +in the Lobby or the Central Hall where he would be with old friends? +Suppose he'll wear a blue coat, bright buttons, and a belt, and will +shadow LOYD-GEORGE who now sits for Carnarvon? If you write to him +must you address your letters "P.C. PULESTON"? and shall we have to +change refrain of our latest National Hymn? instead of singing '_Ask +a Policeman?_' shall we have to chant 'Ask a PULESTON?' These are the +new problems; suddenly rushed in, bothering me to death when I thought +I'd got pretty well through Session, Recess close at hand and no +more difficult points coming up. Don't think, TOBY, I was cut out for +politics; perhaps I take them too seriously; but like to know things, +and there are so many things to know." + +Try to cheer up NICHOLAS; suggest to him that he should put his +questions down on the paper; might address them to FERGUSON; a +little out of the way of Foreign Affairs; but a conversation publicly +conducted between NICHOLAS and FERGUSON would be interesting. + +_Business done._--Votes in Supply. + +_Friday_.--House in rather strange condition to-night; things all +sevens and sixes; Motion is that Anglo-German Agreement Bill be read +Second Time. Opinion very mixed on merits of measure; on the whole, +no particular objection to it, even though with it goes Heligoland. +Still, an Opposition must oppose; but where is the Opposition? Mr. G. +came down last night; said he'd no particular objection to Treaty, but +didn't like the process of confirming it; so publicly washed his hands +of the business. Since the announcement appeared in papers, HERBERT +tells me his illustrious father's life has been a burden to him. Every +post brings him letters from rival advertising soap manufacturers, +making overtures of business transactions. + +"Sir," runs one of these epistles, "alluding to your statement in the +House of Commons last night that you publicly washed your hands of +participation in the Anglo-German Treaty, would you have any objection +to our stating that the substance used was our celebrated Salubrious +Savon? Anticipating your favourable reply, we assume that you would +have no objection to our publishing a portrait of you using our soap, +with its familiar label, 'Does not wash collars.' We have only to add +that in the event of your favourably accepting this suggestion, we +shall esteem it a favour to be allowed to gratuitously supply you and +your family with specimens of our art for the term of your natural +lives." + +[Illustration: The British Constitution.] + +This is merely an incident in the struggle, illustrating one of the +embarrassments it has evolved. Only man thoroughly happy is HARCOURT. +He invented the line of attack on ground of breach of constitutional +usages; put up Mr. G. to make his speech; supplied him with +authorities, and in supplementary speech amazed House with his +erudition. Made stupendous speech last night; literally gorged the +House; to-night picks up fragments and provides another feast: six +baskets wouldn't hold it. + +"Wish, TOBY, dear boy," he said, sinking back in his seat after +delivering his second speech, cunningly grafted on an Amendment, "we +could carry this over next week. I could easily make a speech a day. +Remember when I was once in Ireland, asked a tenant how he liked the +new agent, who was reputed to be very able business man. 'Well,' +said my acquaintance, 'I don't know about his business daylings, but +for blasphaymious language, he's _au revoir_.' On constitutional +questions, TOBY, I may, with all modesty, say I'm _au revoir_." + +_Business done._--Anglo-German Treaty agreed to. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. + +"_She is never at a loss for a clever answer;_" i.e., "A cat whose +claws are always out." + +"_A little stand-offish to strangers, but wonderfully winning when one +really knows him;_" i.e., "Which one need never do, thank goodness!" + +LEGAL. + +"_As your Lordship pleases;_" i.e., "As a Judge, you are a stupid, +self-sufficient dolt; but so long as my client, the solicitor, gets +his costs, it doesn't matter a jot to me or him _what_ you decide!" + +"_With your Lordship's permission, my Junior will settle the +minutes;_" i.e., "And so save us both the trouble of apportioning, in +the customary perfunctory fashion, the oyster to the solicitors, and +the shells to the clients." + +IN THE SMOKING-ROOM. + +"_You don't mind my telling you exactly where I think you're wrong?_" +i.e., "You obviously want setting down, and I may as well do it." + +"_Do you mind just stating that over again?_" i.e., "While I think of +something to say in reply." + +"_Of course you know more about the subject than I do;_" i.e., "I am +pretty sure you never gave it a thought till this minute." + +"_If you care for my candid opinion;_" i.e., "I am now about to be +annoying, and perhaps rude." + +"_All right, I'm not deaf!_" i.e., "Keep your confounded temper." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99., August 2, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + +***** This file should be named 12323.txt or 12323.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/3/2/12323/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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