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diff --git a/old/12306-8.txt b/old/12306-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..29250f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12306-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1667 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, +October 4, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, October 4, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 9, 2004 [EBook #12306] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Punch, or the London Charivari, William +Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +October 4, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NEW SERIES.--IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. + +This age has been called an Age of Progress, an Age of Reform, an Age +of Intellect, an Age of Shams; everything in fact except an Age of +Prizes. And yet, it is perhaps as an Age of Prizes that it is destined +to be chiefly remembered. The humble but frantic solver of Acrostics +has had his turn, the correct expounder of the law of Hard Cases +has by this time established a complete code of etiquette; the +doll-dresser, the epigram-maker, the teller of witty stories, the +calculator who can discover by an instinct the number of letters in +a given page of print, all have displayed their ingenuity, and have +been magnificently rewarded by prizes varying in value from the mere +publication of their names, up to a policy of life insurance, or a +completely furnished mansion in Peckham Rye. In fact, it has been +calculated by competent actuaries that taking a generation at about +thirty-three years, and making every reasonable allowance for errors +of postage, stoppage _in transitu_, fraudulent bankruptcies and +unauthorised conversions, 120 per cent. of all persons alive in Great +Britain and Ireland in any given day of twenty-four hours, must have +received a prize of some sort. + +Novelists, however, have not as yet received a prize of any sort, +at least as novelists. The reproach is about to be removed. A prize +of £1000 has been offered for the best novel by the Editor of a +newspaper. The most distinguished writers are, so it is declared, +entered for the Competition, but only the name of the prize-winner is +to be revealed, only the prize-winning novel is to be published. Such +at least has been the assurance given to all the eminent authors +by the Editor in question. But _Mr. Punch_ laughs at other people's +assurances, and by means of powers conferred upon him by himself for +that purpose, he has been able to obtain access to all the novels +hitherto sent in, and will now publish a selection of Prize Novels, +together with the names of their authors, and a few notes of his own, +wherever the text may seem to require them. + +In acting thus _Mr. Punch_ feels, in the true spirit of the newest +and the Reviewest of Reviews, that he is conferring a favour on the +authors concerned by allowing them the publicity of these columns. +Sometimes pruning and condensation may be necessary. The operation +will be performed as kindly as circumstances permit. It is hardly +necessary to add that _Mr. Punch_ will _give his own prize in his own +way, and at his own time_, to the author he may deem the best. And +herewith _Mr. Punch_ gives a specimen of-- + + +NO. I.--ONE MAN IN A COAT. + +(_BY_ ARRY O.K. ARRY, _AUTHOR OF "STIGE FICES," "CHEAP WORDS OF A +CHIPPY CHAPPIE," ETSETTERER._) + + [PREFATORY NOTE.--This Novel was carefully wrapped up in + some odd leaves of MARK TWAIN'S _Innocents Abroad_, and was + accompanied by a letter in which the author declared that + the book was worth £3000, but that "to save any more blooming + trouble," he would be willing to take the prize of £1000 by + return of post, and say no more about it.--ED.] + + +CHAPTER I. + +It was all the Slavey what got us into the mess. Have you ever noticed +what a way a Slavey has of snuffling and saying, "Lor, Sir, oo'd 'a +thought it?" on the slightest provocation. She comes into your room +just as you are about to fill your finest two-handed meerschaum with +Navy-cut, and looks at you with a far-away look in her eyes, and a +wisp of hair winding carelessly round the neck of her print dress. You +murmur something in an insinuating way about that box of Vestas you +bought last night from the blind man who stands outside "The Old King +of Prussia" pub round the corner. Then one of her hairpins drops into +the fireplace, and you rush to pick it up, and she rushes at the same +moment, and your head goes crack against her head, and you see some +stars, and a weary kind of sensation comes over you, and just as you +feel inclined to send for the cat's-meat man down the next court to +come and fetch you away to the Dogs' Home, in bounces your landlady, +and with two or three "Well, I nevers!" and "There's an imperent +'ussey, for you!" nearly bursts the patent non-combustible bootlace +you lent her last night to hang the brass locket round her neck by. + +POTTLE says his landlady's different, but then POTTLE always was +a rum 'un, and nobody knows what old rag-and-bone shop he gets his +landladies from. I always get mine only at the best places, and +advise everybody else to do the same. I mentioned this once to BILL +MOSER, who looks after the calico department in the big store in the +High Street, but he only sniffed, and said, "Garne, you don't know +everythink!" which was rude of him. I might have given him one for +himself just then, but I didn't. I always was a lamb; but I made up my +mind that next time I go into the ham-and-beef shop kept by old Mother +MOSER I'll say something about "'orses from Belgium" that the old lady +won't like. + +Did you ever go into a ham-and-beef shop? It's just like this. I went +into MOSER'S last week. Just when I got in I tripped over some ribs of +beef lying in the doorway, and before I had time to say I preferred my +beef without any boot-blacking, I fell head-first against an immense +sirloin on the parlour table. Mrs. MOSER called all the men who were +loafing around, and all the boys and girls, and they carved away at +the sirloin for five hours without being able to get my head out. +At last an old gentleman, who was having his dinner there, said he +couldn't bear whiskers served up as a vegetable with his beef. Then +they knew they'd got near my face, so they sent away the Coroner and +pulled me out, and when I got home my coat-tail pockets were full of +old ham-bones. The boy did that--young varmint! I'll ham-bone him when +I catch him next! + + +CHAPTER II. + +Let me see, what was I after? Oh, yes, I remember. I was going to +tell you about our Slavey and the pretty pickle she got us into. I'm +not sure it wasn't POTTLE'S fault. I said to him, just as he was +wiping his mouth on the back of his hand after his fourth pint of +shandy-gaff, "POTTLE, my boy," I said, "you're no end of a chap for +shouting 'Cash forward!' so that all the girls in the shop hear you +and say to one another, 'My, what a lovely voice that young POTTLE'S +got!' But you're not much good at helping a pal to order a new coat, +nor for the matter of that, in helping him to try it on." But POTTLE +only hooked up his nose and looked scornful. Well, when the coat came +home the Slavey brought it up, and put it on my best three-legged +chair, and then flung out of the room with a toss of her head, as much +as to say, "'Ere's extravagance!" First I looked at the coat, and then +the coat seemed to look at me. Then I lifted it up and put it down +again, and sent out for three-ha'porth of gin. Then I tackled the +blooming thing again. One arm went in with a ten-horse power shove. +Next I tried the other. After no end of fumbling I found the sleeve. +"In you go!" I said to my arm, and in he went, only it happened to be +the breast-pocket. I jammed, the pocket creaked, but I jammed hardest, +and in went my fist, and out went the pocket. + +Then I sat down, tired and sad, and the lodging-house cat came in and +lapped up the milk for my tea, and MOSER'S bull-dog just looked me +up, and went off with the left leg of my trousers, and the landlady's +little boy peeped round the door and cried, "Oh, Mar, the poor +gentleman's red in the face--I'm sure he's on fire!" And the local +fire-brigade was called up, and they pumped on me for ten minutes, and +then wrote "Inextinguishable" in their note-books, and went home; and +all the time I couldn't move, because my arms were stuck tight in a +coat two sizes too small for me. + + +CHAPTER III. + +The Slavey managed-- + + [No, thank you. No more.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _His Reverence_. "DINNER, 7:30. I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER +OF AN HOUR'S GRACE!" + +_His Irreverence_. "THEN COMMENCE AT 7:30, AND I'LL BE THERE AT +7:45!"] + + * * * * * + +FAVOURITE TOOL OF RAILWAY COMPANIES.--A Screw-Driver! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "C'EST MAGNIFIQUE! MAIS--" + +_Mr. Bull_ (_Paymaster_). "WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?" + +_Mr. Punch_ (_Umpire-in Chief_). "FINE RIDER--FINE HORSE! BUT--AS A +CAVALRY SOLDIER--HAS TO LEARN HIS BUSINESS!"] + + ["How then about the British Cavalry of September, 1890? A + spectator who has taken part in modern regular war, and has + watched the manoeuvres, said one day to me when I accosted + him, in an apologetic tone, 'I have hitherto done your Army + injustice, I will not do so again; I had no idea how well + your officers and your troopers ride,--they are very fine + horsemen.' There he stopped; I waited for more, but he had + ended; his silence was a crushing criticism, unintentionally + too severe, but very true.... I assert, therefore, that at + this moment, our Cavalry is inefficient, and not prepared + for war."--_The Times Military Correspondent_.] + +AIR--"_TALLY-HO!_" (_FROM THE BALLIOL SONG-BOOK._) + + "Of all the recreations with which mortal man is blest" + (Says BALLIOL's Song) "fox-hunting still is pleasantest and best." + A Briton in the saddle is a picture, and our pride, + In scarlet or in uniform at least our lads can _ride_. + Away, away they go, + With a tally, tally-ho! + With a tally, tally, tally, tally, tally, tally-ho! + + But riding, for our Cavalry, is, after all, not all. + To lead the field, to leap a fence, to bravely face a fall, + Are well enough. And first-rate stuff from the hunting-field may come, + But something more is wanted when Bellona beats her drum, + And calls our lads to go, + With a rally, rally-ho! &c. + + Good men and rattling horses are not all that England needs; + She wants sound knowledge in the men, and training in the steeds. + Scouting and reconnaissance are not needed for the fox, + Nor "leading in big masses" for the furious final shocks, + When away the troopers go, + With a rally, rally, ho! &c. + + But when a squadron charges on the real field of war, + Courage and a good seat alone will not go very far; + Our lads must "know their business," and their officers must "lead," + Not with cross-country dash alone, but skill and prudent heed, + When away the troopers go, + With a rally, rally, ho! &c. + + War's field will test the Cavalry, or clad in blue or red; + In all things they must "thorough" be, as well as thorough-bred. + "Heavy" or "light," they'll have to _fight_; not such mad, headlong fray, + As marked for fame with pride--and shame--that Balaklava day, + When away our lads did go, + With a rally, rally, ho! &c. + + Eh? "Inefficient," Mr. BULL, "and not prepared for war?" + That judgment, if 'tis _near_ the truth, on patriot souls must jar. + And _Mr. Punch_ (Umpire-in-Chief) to JOHN (Paymaster), cries, + "You'll have to test the truth of this before the need arise + For our lads away to go. + With a rally, rally-ho!" &c + + And since that Soldier's incomplete for _Duty_ unprepared, + Although he's game to dare the worst that ever Briton dared, + To supplement our trooper's skill in saddle, pluck and dash, + You must have more manoeuvres, JOHN, and--if needs be,--_more cash!_ + Then away away we'll go + With a tally rally-ho! + And never be afraid to face the strongest, fiercest foe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOURNALISM IN FRANCE. JOURNALISM IN ENGLAND. (A +Contrast.)] + + * * * * * + +HAD HE SUCCEEDED! + +(_A POSSIBLE PAGE IN FRENCH HISTORY THAT PROBABLY WILL NEVER BE +WRITTEN._) + +The General-President had been established at the Elysée for +some three months, when his _aides-de-camp_ found their labours +considerably increased. At all hours of the day and night they were +called up to receive persons who desired an interview with their chief +and master. As they had received strict orders from His Highness +never to appear in anything but full uniform (cloth of gold tunics, +silver-tissue trousers, and belts and epaulettes of diamonds) they +spent most of their time in changing their costume. + +"I am here to see anyone and everyone," said His Highness; "but I look +to you, Gentlemen of the Ring, I should say Household, to see that I +am disturbed by only those who have the right of _entrée_. And now, +_houp-là!_ You can go." + +Thus dismissed, the unfortunate _aides-de-camp_ could but bow, +and retire in silence. But, though they gave no utterance to their +thoughts, their reflections were of a painful character. They felt +what with five reviews a day, to say nothing of what might be termed +scenes in the circle (attendances at the Bois, dances at the Hôtel de +Ville, and the like), their entire exhaustion was only a question of +weeks, or even days. + +One morning the General-President, weary of interviews, was about to +retire into his _salle-à-manger_, there to discuss the twenty-five +courses of his simple _déjeuner à la fourchette_, when he was stopped +by a person in a garb more remarkable for its eccentricity than its +richness. This person wore a coat with tails a yard long, enormous +boots, a battered hat, and a red wig. A close observer would have +doubted whether his nose was real or artificial. The strangely-garbed +intruder bowed grotesquely. + +"What do you want with me?" asked the General-President, sharply. "Do +you not know I am busy?" + +"Not too busy to see me," retorted the unwelcome guest, striking up a +lively tune upon a banjo which he had concealed about his person while +passing the Palace Guard, but which he now produced. "I pray you step +with me a measure." + +Thus courteously invited, His Highness could but comply, and for some +ten minutes host and guest indulged in a breakdown. + +"And now, what do you want with me?" asked the General-President when +the dance had been brought to a satisfactory conclusion. + +"My reward," was the prompt reply. + +"Reward!" echoed His Highness. "Why, my good friend, I have refused +a Royal Duke, an Imperial Prince, a Powerful Order, and any number of +individuals, who have made a like demand." + +"Ah! but they did not do so much for you as I did." + +"Well, I don't know," returned the General-President, "but they parted +with their gold pretty freely." + +"Gold!" retorted the visitor, contemptuously, "I gave you more +than gold. From me you had notes. Where would you have been without +my songs?" He took off his false nose, and thus enabled the +General-President to recognise the "Pride of the Music Halls!" + +"You will find I am not ungrateful," said the Chief of the State, with +difficulty suppressing his emotion. + +His Highness was as good as his word. The next night at the _Café +des Ambassadeurs_ there was a novel attraction. An old favourite was +described in the _affiches_ as _le Due de Nouveau-Cirque_. + +The reception that old favourite received in the course of the +evening was fairly, but not too cordial. But enthusiasm and hilarity +reached fever-heat when, on turning his face from them, the audience +discovered that their droll was wearing (in a somewhat grotesque +fashion) the _grand cordon_ of the Legion of Honour on his back! Then +it was felt that France _must_ be safe in the hands of a man whose +sense of the fitness of things rivalled the taste of the pig whose +soul soared above the charm of pearls! + + * * * * * + +SCOTT-FREE; OR, RAVENSWOOD-NOTES WILD. + +ACT I.--A grand old Castle in the distance, with foreground of rude +and rugged rocks. Around the rugged rocks a quaint funeral service. +HENRY IRVING, "the Master" not only of _Ravenswood_, but the art of +acting (as instanced by a score of fine impersonations), flouts the +veteran comedian, HOWE; and, Howe attired? He is in some strange +garb as a nondescript parson. Then "Master" (as the _Sporting Times_ +would irreverently speak of him) soliloquises over Master's father's +coffin. Arrival of _Sir William Ashton_. Row and flashing of steel +in torchlight. Appearance of one lovely beyond compare--ELLEN TERRY, +otherwise _Lucy Ashton_; graceful as a Swan. Swan and Edgar. Curtain. + +[Illustration: MR. IRVING MAKING HIS GREAT HIT. THE BULL'S-EYE! + +After such a hit,--"there is no cause for fear now!"] + +ACT II.--Library and Armoury. Convenient swords and loaded +blunderbusses. _Lord Keeper Ashton_ appears. Quite right that there +should be the Keeper present, in view of _Lucy_ subsequently going +mad. Young _Henry Ashton_, the youth GORDON CRAIG, a lad of promise, +and performance, has the entire stage to himself for full two minutes, +to show what he can do with a speech descriptive of some pictures. +Master alone with Keeper, suggests duel. Why arms in Library, unless +duel? Fight about to commence according to Queensberry rules, when +Master sees portrait. Whose? _Lucy's_? "No," says Master; "not to +be taken in. I know LUCY'S picture; it was done by WARD." The Keeper +explains that this is a portrait, not of the author of _The History of +Two Parliaments_, and _Fleecing Gideon_, but of his daughter _Lucy_, +which has never yet been seen in any exhibition or loan collection. +"Oho," says Master, "then I won't fight a chap who has a daughter +like that." Ha! Mad bull "heard without"--one of the "herd +without,"--Master picks up blunderbuss, no blunder, makes a hit and +saves a miss; i.e., _Lucy_. What shall he have who kills the bull +with a bull 'it? Why, a tent at Cowshot, near Bisley. + +_Next Scene_.--Wolf's Crag. Grand picture--thunder--music--Dr. +MACKENZIE--Mr. MACINTOSH--"the two MACS"--doing excellent work +in orchestra, and on stage--storm--Miss MARRIOTT admirable as old +Witch--red light in fire-grate--blank verse by MERIVALE, and on we +go to + +ACT III.--A Scene never to be forgotten--the Mermaiden's Well +(quite well, thank you), by HAWES CRAVEN, henceforth to be HAWES +McCRAVENSWOOD. Pines, heather, sunlight, and two picturesque lovers, +Master and Miss, exchanging vows. Master gloomy, Miss lively. Miss +promises to become Missus. Enter Master's future Modern Mother-in-law. +Intended to be vindictive, but really a comfortable and comely body. +Might be _Mrs. McBouncer_ in _McBox and McCox_. Naturally enough, off +goes Master to France. + +[Illustration: What Mr. Mackintosh ought to have done. "Balancing the +Feather." An entertainment on the sands.] + +ACT IV.--Another splendid scene. Magnificently attired, _Hayston +of Bucklaw_ attempts to raise a laugh. Success. _Mrs. Mac Bouncer_ +coerces _Lucy_ in white satin to sign the fatal contract that will +settle Master. Ah! that awful laugh--far more tragic than the one +secured by _Bucklaw_! It is _Lucy_ going mad! She has already +shown signs of incipient insanity by calling Mr. HOWE, otherwise +_Bide-the-Bent_, a "holy Father,"--much to that excellent comedian's +surprised content. Contract signed. Return of "Master." _Dénoûment_ +must be seen to be appreciated. Here McMERIVALE bids Sir WALTER +good-bye, and finishes in his own way. Last scene of all, and the +loveliest. The earliest rays of the sun shining on the advancing tide! +_Caleb_ picks up all that is left of "Master"--a feather! With Miss +ELLEN, Master HENRY, McMARRIOTT, McMERIVALE, MACKINTOSH, MACKENZIE, +and HAWES McCRAVENSWOOD, here is a success which the advancing tide of +popular favour will float till Easter or longer, and will then leave a +new feather in the cap of Master. + + * * * * * + +AN EMPEROR'S WILL. + + [The German Emperor is an accomplished Sportsman. He appears + to be able to bring down his birds at will.--_Daily News_.] + + Would you like to be an Emperor, and wear a golden crown, + With fifty different uniforms for every single day; + To make the nations shudder with the semblance of a frown, + And, if BISMARCKS should oppose you, just to order them away? + With your actions autocratic, + And your poses so dramatic; + Yours the honour and the glory, while the country pays the bill, + With your shouting sempiternal, + And your Grandmamma a Colonel, + And the power--which is best of all--to shoot your birds by will. + + Then the joy of gallopading with a helmet and a sword, + While the thunder of your cannons wakes the echoes from afar. + And if, while you're in Germany, you happen to be bored, + Why, you rush away to Russia, and you call upon the CZAR. + With your wordy perorations, + And your peaceful proclamations, + While you grind the nation's manhood in your military mill. + And whenever skies look pleasant + Out you go and shoot a pheasant, + Or as many as you want to, with your double-barrelled will. + + You can always flout your father, too--he's dead, but never mind; + He and all who dream as he did are much better in their graves. + And you cross the sea to Osborne, and, if Grandmamma be kind, + You become a British Admiral, and help to rule the waves; + With Jack Tars to say "Ay, Ay, Sir!" + To this nautical young Kaiser, + Who is like the waves he sails on, since he never can be still. + Who to every other blessing + Adds the proud one of possessing + A gun-replacing, bird-destroying, game-bag-filling will. + + * * * * * + +"HATS OFF!"--MR. EDWARD CROSSLEY, M.P., is to be congratulated on +a narrow escape, according to the report in the _Times_ last week. +During service in the Free Church at Brodick, some portion of the +ceiling gave way, Mr. CROSSLEY was covered with plaster--better to be +covered with plaster before than after an accident--and "_his hat was +cut to pieces_." From which it is to be inferred that "hats are much +worn" during Divine service in the Free Church, as in the Synagogue. +And so no fanatic can be admitted who has "a tile off." How fortunate +for Mr. E. CROSSLEY that this ancient custom of the Hebrews is still +observed in the Free Kirk. Since then Mr. CROSSLEY has bought a new +tile, and is, therefore, perfectly re-covered. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Reviewing.] + +The Baron says that he has scarcely been able to get through the first +morning of _The Last Days of Palmyra_, which story, so far, reminds +him--it being the fashion just now to mention Cardinal NEWMAN's +works--of the latter's _Callista_. And _à propos_ of _Callista_ let me +refer my readers to one of the best written articles on the Cardinal +that I have seen. It is to be found in _Good Words_ for October, and +is by Mr. R.H. HUTTON. The Baron is coaching himself up for a visit +to the Lyceum to see _Ravenswood_, of which, on all hands, he hears +so much that is good. What a delightful scene where _Caleb_ steals +the wild-fowl from the spit, and the subsequent one, where _Dame +Lightbody_ cuffs the astonished little bairn's head! "As fresh to me," +protests the Baron, "laughing in my chair, as I have been doing but +a minute ago, as it was when I read it, the Council and Kirk-session +only know how long ago!" And this farcical scene was considered so +"grotesquely and absurdly extravagant" by Sir WALTER's contemporary +critics (peace be to their hashes! Who _were_ they? What were their +names? Who cares?) that the great novelist actually explains how the +incident was founded on one in real life. + +Now to my books. Gadzooks, what's here? Another volume of _Obiter +Dicta?_ By one author this time, for if my memory fails me not, the +previous little book was writ by two scribes. Well, no matter--or +rather lots of matter--and by AUGUSTINE BIRRELL, who represents +_Obiter_ and _Dicta_ too. With an unclassical false quantity anyone +who so chooses to unscholarise himself, can speak of him as the +_O'Biter_, so sharp and pungent are some of his remarks. Ah! here is +something on LAMB. For me, quoth the Baron, LAMB is always in season, +serve up the dish with what trimmings you may, but, if you please, no +sauce. Size and shape are the only things against friend _Obiter_. +It is not what this sort of book ought to be, portable and potable, +like the craftily qualified contents of a pocket-flask, refreshing on +a tedious journey. Had _Obiter_ been the size of either _The Handy +Volume Shakspeare_, or of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE'S Redbacks--both the +Baron's prime favourites--the Baron would have been able to dip +into it more frequently, as he would into that same pocket-flask +aforementioned. + +"Next, please!" BLACKIE'S _Modern Cyclopedia_. Vol. VII., so we're +getting along. I'll just cast my eye over it; one eye, not two, says +the Baron, out of compliment to the Cyclops. This Volume deals with +the letters "P," "R," "S," and any person wishing to master a few +really interesting subjects for dinner conversation will read and +learn up all about Procyon, Pizemysi, and Pyrheliometer, Quotelet, +Quintal, and Quito, Regulus, Ramazan, Rheumatism, Rhynchops, +Rum-Shrub, and Rupar, Samoyedes, Semiquaver, Sahjehanpur, Silket, +Sinter, and Size. When it is known what a gay conversationalist he is, +he may induce some one to put him up for a cheery Club, where he will +be Blackie-balled. Still, by studying the Cyclopedia carefully, with a +view to being ready with words for charades and dumb-crambo during the +festive Christmas-tide, he may once again achieve a certain amount of +popularity, on which, as on fresh laurels, he had better retire. + +"Next, please!" _How Stanley Wrote his Darkest Africa_. By Mr. E. +MARSTON. A most interesting little book, published by SAMPSON LOW +& Co., illustrated with excellent photographs, and with a couple of +light easy sketches, by, I suppose, the Author, which makes the Baron +regret that he didn't do more of them. "Buy it," says the Baron. +The Baron recommends the perusal of this little book, if only to +understand the full meaning of the old proverbial expression "Going on +a wild-goose chase." The author is a wonderfully rapid-act traveller. +He apparently can "run" round every principal city in Europe and see +everything that's worth seeing in it in about an hour and a half at +most. In this manner, and by not comprehending a word of the language +wherever he is, or at all events only a very few of the words, he +continues to pick up much curious information which probably would be +novel to slower coaches than himself. + +Interesting account of JOSEF ISRAELS in the _Magazine of Art_; but his +portrait makes him look gigantic, which JOSEF is in Art, but not in +stature. Those who "know not JOSEF," if any such there be, will learn +much about him, and desire to know more. "Baroness," says the Baron, +"you are right: let Hostesses and all dinner-givers read 'Some Humours +of the Cuisine' in _The Woman's World_." The parodies of the style +of Mr. PATER, and of a translation of a Tolstoian Romance in _The +Cornhill Magazine_, are capital. In the same number, "Farmhouse Notes" +are to The Baron like the Rule of Three in the ancient rhyme to the +youthful student,--"it puzzles _me_." It includes a few anecdotes of +some Farm'ous Persons; so perhaps the title is a crypto-punnygraph. + +All Etonians should possess _The English Illustrated Magazine_ +(MACMILLAN'S), 1889-90, for the sake of the series of papers and +the pictures of Eton College. There is also an interesting paper on +the Beefsteak Room at the Lyceum by FREDERICK HAWKINS. Delightful +Beefsteak Room! What pleasant little suppers--But no matter--my supper +time is past--"Too late, too late, you cannot enter here," ought +to be the warning inscribed over every Club or other supper-room, +addressed chiefly to those who are of the Middle Ages, as is the +mediæval + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +FASHIONS IN PHYSIC. + + [The President of the British Pharmaceutical Conference lately + drew attention to the prevalence of fashion in medicine.] + + A fashion in physic, like fashions in frills: + The doctors at one time are mad upon pills; + And crystalline principles now have their day, + Where alkaloids once held an absolute sway. + The drugs of old times might be good, but it's true, + We discard them in favour of those that are new. + + The salts and the senna have vanished, we fear, + As the poet has said, like the snows of last year; + And where is the mixture in boyhood we quaff'd, + That was known by the ominous name of Black Draught? + While Gregory's Powder has gone, we are told, + To the limbo of drugs that are worn out and old. + + New fads and new fancies are reigning supreme, + And calomel one day will be but a dream; + While folks have asserted a chemist might toil + Through his shelves, and find out he had no castor oil; + While as to Infusions, they've long taken wings, + And they'd think you quite mad for prescribing such things. + + The fashion to-day is a tincture so strong, + That, if dosing yourself, you are sure to go wrong. + What men learnt in the past they say brings them no pelf, + And the well-tried old remedies rest on the shelf. + But the patient may haply exclaim, "Don't be rash, + Lest your new-fangled physic should settle my hash!" + + * * * * * + +"TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR!"--Professor JOHN TYNDALL wrote to T.W. +RUSSELL last week commencing:--"Here, in the Alps, at the height of +more than 7,000 feet above the sea, have I read your letter to the +_Times_ on 'the War in Tipperary.'" Prodigious! "7,000 feet" up in the +air. "How's that for high?" as the Americans say. How misty his views +must be in this cloudland--and that the Professor's writing should be +above the heads of the people, goes without saying. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +FEMALE ATHLETICISM.--If Ladies go in for "the gloves," not as +formerly by the coward's blow on the lips of a sleeping victim--often +uncommonly wide-awake--the noble art of self-defence can be taught +under the head of "Millin-ery." + + * * * * * + +"CHANGE OF AIR--WANTED," by a party much broken up, a new tune to +replace the "_Boulanger March_!" If the new tune cannot be found, we +can at least suggest a change of title for the old one. So, instead +of "_En revenant de la Revue_," let it be "_En rêvant à la Revue_." +It should commence brilliantly, then intermediate variations, in which +sharps and flats would play a considerable part, and, finally, after a +chromatic scale, down not up, of accidentals, it should finish in the +minor _rallentando diminuendo_, and end like the comic overture (whose +we forget--HAYDN'S?), where all the performers sneak off, and the +conductor is left alone in his glory. + + * * * * * + +The British Fire Brigade representatives took with them a dog, to be +presented to President CARNOT. Why only one dog? Two fire-dogs are to +be found on the hearth of every old French Château. Why only half do +it? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ADDING INSULT TO INJURY. + +_Brown_ (_whose prize St. Bernard has just snatched a fillet of Veal +from a Butcher's slab_). "HI! COME AND TAKE YOUR CONFOUNDED MEAT AWAY +FROM HIM! _HE'S EATING THE SKEWERS!_"] + + * * * * * + +"DEATH AND HIS BROTHER SLEEP." + +_QUEEN MAB_. + + [Major MARINDIN, in his Report to the Board of Trade on + the railway collision at Eastleigh, attributes it to the + engine-driver and stoker having "failed to keep a proper + look-out." His opinion is, that both men were "asleep, or + nearly so," owing to having been on duty for sixteen hours + and a-half. "He expresses himself in very strong terms on + the great danger to the public of working engine-drivers and + firemen for too great a number of hours."--_Daily Chronicle_.] + + _Who_ is in charge of the clattering train? + The axles creak, and the couplings strain. + Ten minutes behind at the Junction. Yes! + And we're twenty now to the bad--no less! + We must make it up on our flight to town. + Clatter and crash! That's the last train down, + Flashing by with a steamy trail. + Pile on the fuel! We must not fail. + At every mile we a minute must gain! + _Who_ is in charge of the clattering train? + + Why, flesh and blood, as a matter of course! + You may talk of iron, and prate of force; + But, after all, and do what you can, + The best--and cheapest--machine is Man! + Wealth knows it well, and the hucksters feel + 'Tis safer to trust them to sinew than steel. + With a bit of brain, and a conscience, behind, + Muscle works better than steam or wind. + Better, and longer, and harder all round; + And cheap, so cheap! Men superabound + Men stalwart, vigilant, patient, bold; + The stokehole's heat and the crow's-nest's cold, + The choking dusk of the noisome mine, + The northern blast o'er the beating brine, + With dogged valour they coolly brave; + So on rattling rail, or on wind-scourged wave, + At engine lever, at furnace front, + Or steersman's wheel, _they_ must bear the brunt + Of lonely vigil or lengthened strain. + _Man_ is in charge of the thundering train! + + Man, in the shape of a modest chap + In fustian trousers and greasy cap; + A trifle stolid, and something gruff, + Yet, though unpolished, of sturdy stuff. + With grave grey eyes, and a knitted brow, + The glare of sun and the gleam of snow + Those eyes have stared on this many a year. + The crow's-feet gather in mazes queer + About their corners most apt to choke + With grime of fuel and fume of smoke. + Little to tickle the artist taste-- + An oil-can, a fist-full of "cotton waste," + The lever's click and the furnace gleam, + And the mingled odour of oil and steam; + These are the matters that fill the brain + Of the Man in charge of the clattering train. + + Only a Man, but away at his back, + In a dozen ears, on the steely track, + A hundred passengers place their trust + In this fellow of fustian, grease, and dust. + They cheerily chat, or they calmly sleep, + Sure that the driver _his_ watch will keep + On the night-dark track, that he will not fail. + So the thud, thud, thud of wheel upon rail + The hiss of steam-spurts athwart the dark. + Lull them to confident drowsiness. Hark! + + What is that sound? 'Tis the stertorous breath + Of a slumbering man,--and it smacks of death! + Full sixteen hours of continuous toil + Midst the fume of sulphur, the reek of oil, + Have told their tale on the man's tired brain, + And Death is in charge of the clattering train! + + Sleep--Death's brother, as poets deem, + Stealeth soft to his side; a dream + Of home and rest on his spirit creeps, + That wearied man, as the engine leaps, + Throbbing, swaying along the line; + Those poppy-fingers his head incline + Lower, lower, in slumber's trance; + The shadows fleet, and the gas-gleams dance + Faster, faster in mazy flight, + As the engine flashes across the night. + Mortal muscle and human nerve + Cheap to purchase, and stout to serve. + Strained _too_ fiercely will faint and swerve. + Over-weighted, and underpaid, + This human tool of exploiting Trade, + Though tougher than leather, tenser than steel. + Fails at last, for his senses reel, + His nerves collapse, and, with sleep-sealed eyes, + Prone and helpless a log he lies! + A hundred hearts beat placidly on, + Unwitting they that their warder's gone; + A hundred lips are babbling blithe, + Some seconds hence they in pain may writhe. + For the pace is hot, and the points are near, + And Sleep hath deadened the driver's ear; + And signals flash through the night in vain. + Death is in charge of the clattering train! + + * * * * * + +"WHAT TO DO WITH OUR GIRLS." (_Paterfamilias's answer_.)--Give them +away! (Matrimonially, of course.) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DEATH AND HIS BROTHER SLEEP."--Shelley. + +(_See Major Marindin's Report to the Board of Trade on the Railway +Collision near Eastleigh._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE CAUSE" AND THE EFFECT. + +Mr. ---- moved, "That this Mass-meeting pledges itself to support the +efforts of Messrs. ---- & Co.'s men, by joining the Union, and further +pledges itself to take all legal efforts to prevent anyone obtaining a +job there so long as the dispute lasts." The resolution was carried by +acclamation. + +_Coroner_. How is it the child's father cannot get work? _Witness_. +Because he has no Union card. _Coroner_. Then if men do not belong +to the different Trades Unions they must starve.--_Coroner's Inquest +Report_.] + + * * * * * + +ALL VERY VINE! + +(_WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO THE WHITE KNIGHT IN "THROUGH THE +LOOKING-GLASS."_) + + ["One of the most interesting exhibits (at the Royal + Horticultural Society's Grape and Dahlia Show at Chiswick) + were clusters of grapes with the scent and taste of + strawberries and raspberries, as grown in Transatlantic + hothouses."--_Daily Paper_.] + + I'll tell thee everything I can; + There's little to relate: + I met a simple citizen + Of some "United State." + "Who are you, simple man?" I said, + "And how is it you live?" + And his answer seemed quite 'cute from one + So shy and sensitive. + + He said, "I make electric cats + That prowl upon the leads, + To prey upon the brutes who raise + Mad music o'er our heads. + I also make all sorts of things + Which much convenience give; + In fact, I'm an inventor spry, + And that is how I live. + + "And I am thinking of a plan + For artificial hens, + And automatic dairy-maids, + And self-propelling pens." + "Such things are stale," I made reply, + "They're old, and flat, and thin. + Tell me the last thing in your pate, + Or I will cave it in!" + + His accents mild took up the tale: + He said, "I've tried to make + A sirloin out of turnips, and + A vegetable steak." + I shook him well, from side to side, + To stimulate his brain; + "You've got some newer dodge," I cried, + "And that you must explain." + + He said, "I always willingly + Do anything to please. + What do you say to growing grapes + That taste like strawberr-ees! + They're showing off at Chiswick now, + As I a sinner am, + Some big black Hamburgs which, when pressed, + Taste just like raspberry jam." + + So now whene'er I drink a glass + Of wine that seems like rum, + Or peel myself an orange that + Reminds me of a plum, + Or if I come across a peach + With flavour like a bilberry, + I weep, for it reminds me so + Of Chiswick's Grape and Dahlia Show, + And that 'cute man I used to know, + Who could at will transform a sloe + Into a thing with the aro- + -ma of all fruits known here below, + From apricot to mulberry. + + * * * * * + +NATIVE GROWTH. + +According to a case about oysters--instead of a case, it ought to have +been a barrel--heard before Mr. Alderman WILKIN,--and as the case may +be still _sub-Aldermanice_, we have nothing to say as to its merits +or demerits,--it appears, that in September, 1889, the price of Royal +Whitstable Natives was 14s. per 100; i.e., 1s. 3d. for a baker's dozen +of thirteen. Though why a baker should be allowed "a little one in," +be it oysters or anything else, only Heaven and the erudite Editor of +_Notes and Queries_ know. But, without further allusion to the baker, +who has just dropped in accidentally as he did into the conversation +between _Mrs. Bardell_ and _Mrs. Cluppins_, when _Sam Weller_ +joined in, and they all "got a talking," it is enough to make any +oyster-lover's mouth water--no doubt the worthy Alderman's did +water,--did water "like WILKIN!"--to hear that while everybody, +including the worthy Alderman aforesaid, was paying 2s. 6d., and 3s., +and even 3s. 6d. for real Natives, some people were gratifying their +molluscous tastes at the small charge of One Shilling and Threepence +for thirteen, or were getting six oysters and a half--the half be +demm'd--for sixpence. Long time is it since we paid 1s. 3d. for Real +Royal Natives. They may have left Whitstable at that price, but they +never came to our Wits' Table at anything like that figure. Still, +to the truly Christian mind it is pleasant, if not consoling, to know +that some of our fellow-creatures, not generally so well-favoured +as ourselves, should have been able to take advantage of the most +favoured Native clause in the Oyster Season of 1889. + +*** By the way, in answer to a Correspondent, who signs himself "AN +ARTFUL DREDGER, WHO WISHES TO LIVE OUT OF TOWN," we beg to inform him +that "Beds" is _not_ a county specially celebrated for oysters. + + * * * * * + +BREAKING A _RECORD_ ON A WHEEL! + + Break, break, break! + On thy "Safety" swift, oh, "crack!" + And I would that my tongue could utter + My thoughts on the cyclist's track. + + Oh, well for MECREDY, the "bhoy," + That "records" for him won't stay; + And well for OSMOND and WOOD + That they break them every day. + + And the "Safeties" still improve, + And their riders develope more skill; + And it's oh! for the records of yesterday! + To-morrow they'll all be nil! + + Break! break! break! + On thy wheels, oh, S.B.C.! + But the grace of KEITH FALCONER, CORTIS, and KEEN, + Will they ever come back to me? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHIC PEST.] + + * * * * * + +LOST HAIRS-AT-LAW. + +"SEQUEL to a Breach of Promise Case" is the heading to a paragraph +in the _Daily Telegraph_, recording how _Turner_ v. _Avant_ was heard +before Mr. Commissioner KERR, who adjourned the case for three weeks, +because, as Mr. AGABEG, the Counsel for the Plaintiff, observed, +without agabegging the question, they couldn't get any information +essential to the proceedings as to the whereabouts of the Miss HAIRS, +who, after failing in her action against Sir GEORGE ELLIOTT, M.P., +gave up minding her own business, which she sold, and retired to the +Continent; and Plaintiffs also wanted to know the present address of +a certain, or uncertain, Mr. HOLLAND, somewhile Secretary to the Avant +Company. Odd this. Not find Hairs in September! Cry "_En Avant_!" +and let loose the harriers!--a suggestion that might have been +appropriately made by the Commissioner whose name alone, with respect +be it said, should qualify him for the Chief Magistracy in the Isle of +Dogs. In the meantime the Plaintiffs have three weeks' adjournment in +order to search the maps and find HOLLAND. + + * * * * * + +TITLED MONTHS.--In the list given by the _Figaro_ of those present at +Cardinal LAVIGERIE'S great anti-slavery function at Saint Sulpice was +"_un ancien ministre plénipotentiare le Baron d'Avril._" What a set +of new titles this suggests for any creation, of new Peers in England! +Duke of DECEMBER! Earl of FEBRUARY! Of course, the nearest title +to Baron D'AVRIL with us is the Earl of MARCH. The Marquis of MAY +sounds nice; Lord AUGUST, Baron JULY; and, should a certain eminent +ecclesiastical lawyer ever become a Law Lord, there will be yet +another British cousin to Baron d'AVRIL and the Earl of MARCH in--Lord +JEUNE. + + * * * * * + +NO MORE LAW OFFICERS!--"An Automatic Recorder on the Forth Bridge" +was a heading to a paragraph in the _St. James's_ last Saturday. The +announcement must have startled Sir THOMAS CHAMBERS, Q.C. Heavens! +If there is one Automatic Recorder in the North, why not another in +the South? Automatic Recorders would be followed by Automatic Common +Serjeants, and--Isn't it too awful! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RATHER A LARGE ORDER. + +_The Herr Professor_. "ACH--BEST MISS ROSY, VILL YOU KINDLY TURN ME +OVER!"] + + * * * * * + +LOOKING FORWARD. + +(_EXTRACT FROM "THE DAILY PRIZE-FIGHTER," SEPTEMBER 24, 1900._) + +Yesterday morning LOO BOBBETT and BEN MOUSETRAP had an interview +with Mr. PHEASANT, the Magistrate presiding in the North-West London +Police Court. The approaches to the Court were crowded from an early +hour. Amongst those in the street we noticed BILLY BLOWFROTH, and SAM +SNEEZER, the well-known pot-boys from "The Glove and Wadding" and +"The Tap o'Claret" Hotels, SHINY MOSES, AARON ISAACS, and SANDY the +Sossidge (so-called by his friends on account of his appearance), +the celebrated bankers from the West-end of Whitechapel, and a large +gathering of the _élite_ of the Lambeth Road. Inside the Court the +company was, if possible, even more select. Mr. TITAN CHAPEL, the +proprietor of the Featherbed Club, was the first to arrive in his +private brougham, and he was followed at short intervals by the Earl +of ARRIEMORE, Lord TRIMI GLOVESON, Mr. TOOWITH YEW, Mr. BRANDIC OHLD, +Mr. SPLITTS ODER, Mr. GINCOCK TALE, and Mr. ANGUS TEWBER, with a heap +more of the best known patrons of sport in the Metropolis. Little +time was cut to waste in the preliminaries, and it was generally +acknowledged at the end of the day that no prettier set-to had been +witnessed for a long time than that which took place at the North-West +London Police Court. We append below some of the more salient portions +of the evidence. + +_Inspector Chizzlem_. I produce a pair of gloves ordinarily used at +London boxing matches. [_Produces them from his waistcoat pocket._ + +_Mr. Pheasant_ (_the Magistrate_). Pardon me. I don't quite +understand. Were the gloves that you produce to be used at this +particular competition? + +_Inspector Chizzlem_. No, your Worship. These are one ounce +gloves. The gloves with which these men were to fight are known as +"feather-weight" gloves. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Ah, I see. Feather-weight, not feather-bed, I presume. +(_Loud Laughter, in which both the accused joined._) Have you the +actual gloves with you? + +_Mr. Titan Chapel_ (_from the Solicitor's table_). I have brought +them, Sir. Here--dear me, what can I have done with them? I thought +I had them somewhere about me. (_Pats his various pockets. A thought +strikes him. He pulls out his watch_.) Ah, of course, how foolish of +me! I generally carry them in my watch-case. + + [_Opens watch, produces them, and hands them up to Magistrate_. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Dear me!--so these are gloves. I know I am +inexperienced in these matters, but they look to me rather like +elastic bands. (_Roars of laughter. Mr. PHEASANT tries them on._) +However, they teem to fit very nicely. Yes, who is the next witness? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_ (_entering the witness-box_). I am, my noble +sportsman. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Who are you? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_. ARRIEMORE'S my name, yer Washup, wich I'm a +bloomin' Lord. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Of course--of course. Now tell me, have you ever boxed +at all yourself? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_. Never, thwulp me, never! But I like to set +the lads on to do a bit of millin' for me. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Quite so. Very right and proper. What do you say to +the gloves produced by the inspector? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_. Call _them_ gloves? Why, I calls 'em +woolsacks, that's what I calls 'em. [_Much laughter._ + +_Mr. Pheasant_. No doubt, that would be so. But now with regard to +these other gloves, do you say they would be calculated to deaden the +force of a blow; in fact, to prevent such a contest from degenerating +into a merely brutal exhibition, and to make it, as I understand it +ought to be, a contest of pure skill? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_. That's just it. Why, two babbies might box +with them gloves and do themselves no harm. And, as to skill, why it +wants a lot of skill to hit with 'em at all. + + [_Winks at Lord TRIMI GLOVESON, who winks back._ + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Really? That is very interesting, very interesting +indeed! I think perhaps the best plan will be for the two +principals to accompany me into my private room, to give a practical +exemplification of the manner in which such a contest is generally +conducted. (_At this point the learned Magistrate retired from the +Bench, and was followed into his private room by LOO BOBBETT. BEN +MOUSETRAP, and their Seconds. After an hour's interval, Mr. PHEASANT +returned to the Bench alone_.) I will give my decision at once. The +prize must be handed over to Mr. MOUSETRAP. That last cross-counter +of his fairly settled Mr. BOBBETT. I held the watch myself, and I +know that he lay on the ground stunned for a full minute. (_To the_ +Usher.) Send the Divisional Surgeon into my room at once, and fetch an +ambulance. The Court will now adjourn. + + [_Loud applause, which was instantly suppressed._ + +_Mr. Pheasant_ (_sternly_).> This Court is not a Prize-Ring. + + * * * * * + +"A STRUGGLE FOR LIFE" AT THE AVENUE. + +[Illustration: Alexander the Less and the preux Chevalier.] + +First of all, the title of the piece is against it. _The Struggle for +Life_ suggests to the general British Public, unacquainted with the +name of DAUDET, a melodrama of the type of _Drink_, in which a variety +of characters should be engaged in the great struggle for existence. +It is suggestive of strikes, the great struggle between Labour and +Capital, between class and class, between principal and interest, +between those with moral principles and those without them. It +is suggestive of the very climax of melodramatic sensation, and, +being suggestive of all this to the majority, the majority will be +disappointed when it doesn't get all that this very responsible +title has led them to expect. Those who know the French novel will +be dissatisfied with the English adaptation of it, filtered, as it +has been, through a French dramatic version of the story. So much +for the title. For the play itself, as given by Messrs. BUCHANAN +and HORNER,--the latter of whom, true to ancestral tradition, will +have his finger in the pie,--it is but an ordinary drama, strongly +reminding a public which knows its DICKENS of the story of _Little +Em'ly_, with _Vaillant_ for _Old Peggotty_, _Lydie_ for _Little +Em'ly_, _Antonin Caussade_ for _Ham_, and _Paul Astier_ for +_Steerforth_. Perhaps it would be carrying the resemblance too far to +see in _Rosa Dartle_, with her scorn For "that sort of creature," the +germ of _Esther de Sélény_. Mix this with a situation from _Le Monde +où l'on s'ennuie_, spoilt in the mixing, and there's the drama. + +[Illustration: The Avenger.] + +For the acting--it is admirable. Miss GENEVIEVE WARD is superb as +_Madame Paul Astier_, and it is not her fault, but the misfortune +of the part, that the wife of _Paul_ is a woman old enough to be his +mother, with whose sufferings--with her eyes wide open, having married +a man of whose worthlessness she was aware,--it is impossible to feel +very much sympathy. She is old enough to have known better. Mr. GEORGE +ALEXANDER'S performance of the scoundrel _Paul_ leaves little to be +desired, but he must struggle for dear life against his--of course, +unconscious--imitation of HENRY IRVING. Shut your eyes to the facts, +occasionally, especially in the death-scene, and it is the voice of +IRVING; open them, and it is ALEXANDER agonising. No one can care for +the fine lady, statuesquely impersonated by Miss ALMA STANLEY, who +yields as easily to _Paul's_ seductive wooing as does _Lady Anne_ +to _Richard the Third_. After Miss WARD and Mr. ALEXANDER, the best +performance is that of Miss GRAVES as _Little Em'ly Lydie_, and of Mr. +FREDERICK KERR as _Antonin Ham Caussade_,--the last-named enlisting +the genuine sympathy of the audience for a character which, in less +able hands, might have bordered on the grotesque. The comic parts +have simply been made bores by the adapters, and are not suited to the +farcical couple, Miss KATE PHILLIPS and Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, who are +cast for them. If this play is to struggle successfully for life, the +weakest, that is, the comic element, should at once go to the wall, +and the fittest alone, that is, the tragic, should survive. Also, +as the play begins at the convenient hour of 8.45, it should end +punctually at eleven. The only realistic scene is in _Paul Astier's_ +room, when he is dressing for dinner, and washes his hands with real +soap, uses real towels, and puts real studs and links into his shirt, +and then suddenly reminded, as it were, by a titter which pervades +the house, that there are "ladies present," he disappears for a few +seconds, and returns in his evening-dress trowsers and nice clean +shirt, looking, except for the absence of braces, like a certain +well-known haberdasher's pictorial advertisement. It is vastly to the +credit of the management that all the articles of _Paul's_ toilet, +including Soap(!!), are not turned to pecuniary advantage in the +advertisements on the programmes. But isn't it a chance lost in _The +Struggle for Life_ at the Avenue? + + * * * * * + +CITY VESTRIES AND CITY BENEFACTIONS. + +I have lately had the distinguished honour conferred upon me of being +unanimously elected a Vestryman of the important Parish of Saint +Michael-Shear-the-Hog, which I need hardly say is situate in the +ancient and renowned City of London. I owe my election I believe, to +the undoubted fact that I am what is called--I scarcely know why--a +tooth-and-nail Conservative, no one of anything approaching to +Radicalism being ever allowed to enter within the sacred precincts +of our very select Body. Our number is small, but, I am informed, we +represent the very pick of the Parish, and we have confided to us +the somewhat desperate task of defending the funds entrusted to us, +centuries ago, from the fierce attack of Commissioners with almost +unlimited powers, but with little or no sympathy with the sacred +wishes of deceased Parishioners. + +Our contention is that wherever, from circumstances that our pious +ancestors could not have foreseen, it has become simply impossible to +carry out literally their instructions, the funds should be applied +to strictly analogous purposes. For instance, now in a neighbouring +Parish, I am not quite sure whether it is St. Margaret Moses, or +St. Peter the Queer, a considerable sum was bequeathed by a pious +parishioner in the reign of Queen MARY, of blessed memory, the income +from which was to be applied to the purchasing of faggots for the +burning of heretics, which it was probably considered would be a +considerable saving to the funds of the Parish in question. At the +present time, as we all know, although there are doubtless plenty of +heretics, it has ceased to be the custom to burn them, so the bequest +cannot be applied in accordance with the wishes of the pious founder. +The important question therefore arises, how should the bequest be +applied? Would it be believed that men are to be found, and men having +authority, more's the pity, who can recommend its application to the +education of the poor, to the providing of convalescent hospitals, or +even the preservation of open spaces for the healthful enjoyment of +the masses of the Metropolis! Yet such is the sad fact. My Vestry, +I am proud to say, are unanimously of opinion that, in such a case +as I have described, common sense and common justice would dictate +that, as the intentions of the pious founder cannot be applied to the +punishment of vice, it should be devoted to the reward of virtue, and +this would be best accomplished by expending the fund in question in +an annual banquet to those Vestrymen who attended the most assiduously +to the arduous duties of their important office. JOSEPH GREENHORN. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER TERC-ISH ATROCITY. + +(_BY A SCEPTICAL SUFFERER._) + + [An Austrian physician, Dr. TERC, prescribes bee-stings as a + cure for rheumatism!] + + How cloth the little Busy Bee + Insert his poisoned stings, + And kill the keen rheumatic pain + That mortal muscle wrings! + + Great Scott! It sounds so like a sell! + Bee-stings for rheumatiz? + As well try wasps to make one well. + That TERC must be a quiz. + + Rather would I rheumatics bear + Than try the Busy Bee. + No, Austrian TERC, your cure _may_ work! + But won't he tried on _me_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"IL IRA LOIN."--Great day for England in general, and for London in +particular, when AUGUSTUS GLOSSOP HARRIS,--the "Gloss-op"-portunely +appears nothing without the gloss up-on him,--popularly known by +the title of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, rode to the Embankment with +his trumpeters,--it being _infra dig._ to be seen blowing one +himself,--with his beautiful banners, and his footmen all in +State liveries designed by LEWIS LE GRAND WINGFIELD, he himself +(DRURIOLANUS, not LEWIS LE GRAND) being seated in his gorgeous new +carriage; Sheriff FARMER, too, equally gorgeous, and equally new, but +neither so grand nor so great as DRURIOLANUS The Magnificent. Then +followed "the quaint ceremony of admission." Not "Free Admission," by +any means, for no man can be a Sheriff of London for nothing. There +were loud cheers, and a big Lunch. _Ave Cæsar!_ + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, October 4, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12306-8.txt or 12306-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/3/0/12306/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Punch, or the London Charivari, William +Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, October 4, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 9, 2004 [EBook #12306] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Punch, or the London Charivari, William +Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 4, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" + id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h4>NEW SERIES.—IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.</h4> + + <p>This age has been called an Age of Progress, an Age of + Reform, an Age of Intellect, an Age of Shams; everything in + fact except an Age of Prizes. And yet, it is perhaps as an Age + of Prizes that it is destined to be chiefly remembered. The + humble but frantic solver of Acrostics has had his turn, the + correct expounder of the law of Hard Cases has by this time + established a complete code of etiquette; the doll-dresser, the + epigram-maker, the teller of witty stories, the calculator who + can discover by an instinct the number of letters in a given + page of print, all have displayed their ingenuity, and have + been magnificently rewarded by prizes varying in value from the + mere publication of their names, up to a policy of life + insurance, or a completely furnished mansion in Peckham Rye. In + fact, it has been calculated by competent actuaries that taking + a generation at about thirty-three years, and making every + reasonable allowance for errors of postage, stoppage <i>in + transitu</i>, fraudulent bankruptcies and unauthorised + conversions, 120 per cent. of all persons alive in Great + Britain and Ireland in any given day of twenty-four hours, must + have received a prize of some sort.</p> + + <p>Novelists, however, have not as yet received a prize of any + sort, at least as novelists. The reproach is about to be + removed. A prize of £1000 has been offered for the best + novel by the Editor of a newspaper. The most distinguished + writers are, so it is declared, entered for the Competition, + but only the name of the prize-winner is to be revealed, only + the prize-winning novel is to be published. Such at least has + been the assurance given to all the eminent authors by the + Editor in question. But <i>Mr. Punch</i> laughs at other + people's assurances, and by means of powers conferred upon him + by himself for that purpose, he has been able to obtain access + to all the novels hitherto sent in, and will now publish a + selection of Prize Novels, together with the names of their + authors, and a few notes of his own, wherever the text may seem + to require them.</p> + + <p>In acting thus <i>Mr. Punch</i> feels, in the true spirit of + the newest and the Reviewest of Reviews, that he is conferring + a favour on the authors concerned by allowing them the + publicity of these columns. Sometimes pruning and condensation + may be necessary. The operation will be performed as kindly as + circumstances permit. It is hardly necessary to add that <i>Mr. + Punch</i> will <i>give his own prize in his own way, and at his + own time</i>, to the author he may deem the best. And herewith + <i>Mr. Punch</i> gives a specimen of—</p> + + <h3>No. I.—ONE MAN IN A COAT.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By</i> ARRY O.K. ARRY, <i>Author of "Stige Fices," + "Cheap Words of a Chippy Chappie," etsetterer.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[PREFATORY NOTE.—This Novel was carefully wrapped + up in some odd leaves of MARK TWAIN'S <i>Innocents + Abroad</i>, and was accompanied by a letter in which the + author declared that the book was worth £3000, but + that "to save any more blooming trouble," he would be + willing to take the prize of £1000 by return of post, + and say no more about it.—ED.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <p>It was all the Slavey what got us into the mess. Have you + ever noticed what a way a Slavey has of snuffling and saying, + "Lor, Sir, oo'd 'a thought it?" on the slightest provocation. + She comes into your room just as you are about to fill your + finest two-handed meerschaum with Navy-cut, and looks at you + with a far-away look in her eyes, and a wisp of hair winding + carelessly round the neck of her print dress. You murmur + something in an insinuating way about that box of Vestas you + bought last night from the blind man who stands outside "The + Old King of Prussia" pub round the corner. Then one of her + hairpins drops into the fireplace, and you rush to pick it up, + and she rushes at the same moment, and your head goes crack + against her head, and you see some stars, and a weary kind of + sensation comes over you, and just as you feel inclined to send + for the cat's-meat man down the next court to come and fetch + you away to the Dogs' Home, in bounces your landlady, and with + two or three "Well, I nevers!" and "There's an imperent 'ussey, + for you!" nearly bursts the patent non-combustible bootlace you + lent her last night to hang the brass locket round her neck + by.</p> + + <p>POTTLE says his landlady's different, but then POTTLE always + was a rum 'un, and nobody knows what old rag-and-bone shop he + gets his landladies from. I always get mine only at the best + places, and advise everybody else to do the same. I mentioned + this once to BILL MOSER, who looks after the calico department + in the big store in the High Street, but he only sniffed, and + said, "Garne, you don't know everythink!" which was rude of + him. I might have given him one for himself just then, but I + didn't. I always was a lamb; but I made up my mind that next + time I go into the ham-and-beef shop kept by old Mother MOSER + I'll say something about "'orses from Belgium" that the old + lady won't like.</p> + + <p>Did you ever go into a ham-and-beef shop? It's just like + this. I went into MOSER'S last week. Just when I got in I + tripped over some ribs of beef lying in the doorway, and before + I had time to say I preferred my beef without any + boot-blacking, I fell head-first against an immense sirloin on + the parlour table. Mrs. MOSER called all the men who were + loafing around, and all the boys and girls, and they carved + away at the sirloin for five hours without being able to get my + head out. At last an old gentleman, who was having his dinner + there, said he couldn't bear whiskers served up as a vegetable + with his beef. Then they knew they'd got near my face, so they + sent away the Coroner and pulled me out, and when I got home my + coat-tail pockets were full of old ham-bones. The boy did + that—young varmint! I'll ham-bone him when I catch him + next!</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>Let me see, what was I after? Oh, yes, I remember. I was + going to tell you about our Slavey and the pretty pickle she + got us into. I'm not sure it wasn't POTTLE'S fault. I said to + him, just as he was wiping his mouth on the back of his hand + after his fourth pint of shandy-gaff, "POTTLE, my boy," I said, + "you're no end of a chap for shouting 'Cash forward!' so that + all the girls in the shop hear you and say to one another, 'My, + what a lovely voice that young POTTLE'S got!' But you're not + much good at helping a pal to order a new coat, nor for the + matter of that, in helping him to try it on." But POTTLE only + hooked up his nose and looked scornful. Well, when the coat + came home the Slavey brought it up, and put it on my best + three-legged chair, and then flung out of the room with a toss + of her head, as much as to say, "'Ere's extravagance!" First I + looked at the coat, and then the coat seemed to look at me. + Then I lifted it up and put it down again, and sent out for + three-ha'porth of gin. Then I tackled the blooming thing again. + One arm went in with a ten-horse power shove. Next I tried the + other. After no end of fumbling I found the sleeve. "In you + go!" I said to my arm, and in he went, only it happened to be + the breast-pocket. I jammed, the pocket creaked, but I jammed + hardest, and in went my fist, and out went the pocket.</p> + + <p>Then I sat down, tired and sad, and the lodging-house cat + came in and lapped up the milk for my tea, and MOSER'S bull-dog + just looked me up, and went off with the left leg of my + trousers, and the landlady's little boy peeped round the door + and cried, "Oh, Mar, the poor gentleman's red in the + face—I'm sure he's on fire!" And the local fire-brigade + was called up, and they pumped on me for ten minutes, and then + wrote "Inextinguishable" in their note-books, and went home; + and all the time I couldn't move, because my arms were stuck + tight in a coat two sizes too small for me.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>The Slavey managed—</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[No, thank you. No more.—ED.]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/157.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>His Reverence</i>. "DINNER, 7:30. I'LL GIVE YOU A + QUARTER OF AN HOUR'S GRACE!"</p> + + <p><i>His Irreverence</i>. "THEN COMMENCE AT 7:30, AND I'LL + BE THERE AT 7:45!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>FAVOURITE TOOL OF RAILWAY COMPANIES.—A + Screw-Driver!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" + id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>"C'EST MAGNIFIQUE! + MAIS—"</h2><a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/158.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Mr. Bull</i> (<i>Paymaster</i>). "WELL, WHAT DO YOU + THINK OF IT?"</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i> (<i>Umpire-in Chief</i>). "FINE + RIDER—FINE HORSE! BUT—AS A CAVALRY + SOLDIER—HAS TO LEARN HIS BUSINESS!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["How then about the British Cavalry of September, 1890? + A spectator who has taken part in modern regular war, and + has watched the manoeuvres, said one day to me when I + accosted him, in an apologetic tone, 'I have hitherto done + your Army injustice, I will not do so again; I had no idea + how well your officers and your troopers ride,—they + are very fine horsemen.' There he stopped; I waited for + more, but he had ended; his silence was a crushing + criticism, unintentionally too severe, but very true.... I + assert, therefore, that at this moment, our Cavalry is + inefficient, and not prepared for war."—<i>The Times + Military Correspondent</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>Air—"<i>Tally-Ho!</i>" (<i>from the Balliol + Song-Book.</i>)</h4><span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" + id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Of all the recreations with which mortal man is + blest"</p> + + <p>(Says BALLIOL's Song) "fox-hunting still is + pleasantest and best."</p> + + <p>A Briton in the saddle is a picture, and our + pride,</p> + + <p>In scarlet or in uniform at least our lads can + <i>ride</i>.</p> + + <p class="i2">Away, away they go,</p> + + <p class="i2">With a tally, tally-ho!</p> + + <p>With a tally, tally, tally, tally, tally, + tally-ho!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But riding, for our Cavalry, is, after all, not + all.</p> + + <p>To lead the field, to leap a fence, to bravely face + a fall,</p> + + <p>Are well enough. And first-rate stuff from the + hunting-field may come,</p> + + <p>But something more is wanted when Bellona beats her + drum,</p> + + <p class="i2">And calls our lads to go,</p> + + <p class="i2">With a rally, rally-ho! &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good men and rattling horses are not all that + England needs;</p> + + <p>She wants sound knowledge in the men, and training + in the steeds.</p> + + <p>Scouting and reconnaissance are not needed for the + fox,</p> + + <p>Nor "leading in big masses" for the furious final + shocks,</p> + + <p class="i2">When away the troopers go,</p> + + <p class="i2">With a rally, rally, ho! &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But when a squadron charges on the real field of + war,</p> + + <p>Courage and a good seat alone will not go very + far;</p> + + <p>Our lads must "know their business," and their + officers must "lead,"</p> + + <p>Not with cross-country dash alone, but skill and + prudent heed,</p> + + <p class="i2">When away the troopers go,</p> + + <p class="i2">With a rally, rally, ho! &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>War's field will test the Cavalry, or clad in blue + or red;</p> + + <p>In all things they must "thorough" be, as well as + thorough-bred.</p> + + <p>"Heavy" or "light," they'll have to <i>fight</i>; + not such mad, headlong fray,</p> + + <p>As marked for fame with pride—and + shame—that Balaklava day,</p> + + <p class="i2">When away our lads did go,</p> + + <p class="i2">With a rally, rally, ho! &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Eh? "Inefficient," Mr. BULL, "and not prepared for + war?"</p> + + <p>That judgment, if 'tis <i>near</i> the truth, on + patriot souls must jar.</p> + + <p>And <i>Mr. Punch</i> (Umpire-in-Chief) to JOHN + (Paymaster), cries,</p> + + <p>"You'll have to test the truth of this before the + need arise</p> + + <p class="i2">For our lads away to go.</p> + + <p class="i2">With a rally, rally-ho!" &c</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And since that Soldier's incomplete for <i>Duty</i> + unprepared,</p> + + <p>Although he's game to dare the worst that ever + Briton dared,</p> + + <p>To supplement our trooper's skill in saddle, pluck + and dash,</p> + + <p>You must have more manoeuvres, JOHN, and—if + needs be,—<i>more cash!</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Then away away we'll go</p> + + <p class="i2">With a tally rally-ho!</p> + + <p>And never be afraid to face the strongest, fiercest + foe.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/159.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>Journalism in France. Journalism in England.</h3>(A + Contrast.) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HAD HE SUCCEEDED!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Possible Page in French History that probably will + never be written.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The General-President had been established at the + Elysée for some three months, when his + <i>aides-de-camp</i> found their labours considerably + increased. At all hours of the day and night they were called + up to receive persons who desired an interview with their chief + and master. As they had received strict orders from His + Highness never to appear in anything but full uniform (cloth of + gold tunics, silver-tissue trousers, and belts and epaulettes + of diamonds) they spent most of their time in changing their + costume.</p> + + <p>"I am here to see anyone and everyone," said His Highness; + "but I look to you, Gentlemen of the Ring, I should say + Household, to see that I am disturbed by only those who have + the right of <i>entrée</i>. And now, + <i>houp-là!</i> You can go."</p> + + <p>Thus dismissed, the unfortunate <i>aides-de-camp</i> could + but bow, and retire in silence. But, though they gave no + utterance to their thoughts, their reflections were of a + painful character. They felt what with five reviews a day, to + say nothing of what might be termed scenes in the circle + (attendances at the Bois, dances at the Hôtel de Ville, + and the like), their entire exhaustion was only a question of + weeks, or even days.</p> + + <p>One morning the General-President, weary of interviews, was + about to retire into his <i>salle-à-manger</i>, there to + discuss the twenty-five courses of his simple + <i>déjeuner à la fourchette</i>, when he was + stopped by a person in a garb more remarkable for its + eccentricity than its richness. This person wore a coat with + tails a yard long, enormous boots, a battered hat, and a red + wig. A close observer would have doubted whether his nose was + real or artificial. The strangely-garbed intruder bowed + grotesquely.</p> + + <p>"What do you want with me?" asked the General-President, + sharply. "Do you not know I am busy?"</p> + + <p>"Not too busy to see me," retorted the unwelcome guest, + striking up a lively tune upon a banjo which he had concealed + about his person while passing the Palace Guard, but which he + now produced. "I pray you step with me a measure."</p> + + <p>Thus courteously invited, His Highness could but comply, and + for some ten minutes host and guest indulged in a + breakdown.</p> + + <p>"And now, what do you want with me?" asked the + General-President when the dance had been brought to a + satisfactory conclusion.</p> + + <p>"My reward," was the prompt reply.</p> + + <p>"Reward!" echoed His Highness. "Why, my good friend, I have + refused a Royal Duke, an Imperial Prince, a Powerful Order, and + any number of individuals, who have made a like demand."</p> + + <p>"Ah! but they did not do so much for you as I did."</p> + + <p>"Well, I don't know," returned the General-President, "but + they parted with their gold pretty freely."</p> + + <p>"Gold!" retorted the visitor, contemptuously, "I gave you + more than gold. From me you had notes. Where would you have + been without my songs?" He took off his false nose, and thus + enabled the General-President to recognise the "Pride of the + Music Halls!"</p> + + <p>"You will find I am not ungrateful," said the Chief of the + State, with difficulty suppressing his emotion.</p> + + <p>His Highness was as good as his word. The next night at the + <i>Café des Ambassadeurs</i> there was a novel + attraction. An old favourite was described in the + <i>affiches</i> as <i>le Due de Nouveau-Cirque</i>.</p> + + <p>The reception that old favourite received in the course of + the evening was fairly, but not too cordial. But enthusiasm and + hilarity reached fever-heat when, on turning his face from + them, the audience discovered that their droll was wearing (in + a somewhat grotesque fashion) the <i>grand cordon</i> of the + Legion of Honour on his back! Then it was felt that France + <i>must</i> be safe in the hands of a man whose sense of the + fitness of things rivalled the taste of the pig whose soul + soared above the charm of pearls!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" + id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span> + + <h2>SCOTT-FREE; OR, RAVENSWOOD-NOTES WILD.</h2> + + <p>ACT I.—A grand old Castle in the distance, with + foreground of rude and rugged rocks. Around the rugged rocks a + quaint funeral service. HENRY IRVING, "the Master" not only of + <i>Ravenswood</i>, but the art of acting (as instanced by a + score of fine impersonations), flouts the veteran comedian, + HOWE; and, Howe attired? He is in some strange garb as a + nondescript parson. Then "Master" (as the <i>Sporting Times</i> + would irreverently speak of him) soliloquises over Master's + father's coffin. Arrival of <i>Sir William Ashton</i>. Row and + flashing of steel in torchlight. Appearance of one lovely + beyond compare—ELLEN TERRY, otherwise <i>Lucy Ashton</i>; + graceful as a Swan. Swan and Edgar. Curtain.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/160-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/160-1.png" + alt="Mr. Henry Irving." /></a> + + <h3>MR. IRVING MAKING HIS GREAT HIT. THE + BULL'S-EYE!</h3>After such a hit,—"there is no cause + for fear now!" + </div> + + <p>ACT II.—Library and Armoury. Convenient swords and + loaded blunderbusses. <i>Lord Keeper Ashton</i> appears. Quite + right that there should be the Keeper present, in view of + <i>Lucy</i> subsequently going mad. Young <i>Henry Ashton</i>, + the youth GORDON CRAIG, a lad of promise, and performance, has + the entire stage to himself for full two minutes, to show what + he can do with a speech descriptive of some pictures. Master + alone with Keeper, suggests duel. Why arms in Library, unless + duel? Fight about to commence according to Queensberry rules, + when Master sees portrait. Whose? <i>Lucy's</i>? "No," says + Master; "not to be taken in. I know LUCY'S picture; it was done + by WARD." The Keeper explains that this is a portrait, not of + the author of <i>The History of Two Parliaments</i>, and + <i>Fleecing Gideon</i>, but of his daughter <i>Lucy</i>, which + has never yet been seen in any exhibition or loan collection. + "Oho," says Master, "then I won't fight a chap who has a + daughter like that." Ha! Mad bull "heard without"—one of + the "herd without,"—Master picks up blunderbuss, no + blunder, makes a hit and saves a miss; <i>i.e.</i>, + <i>Lucy</i>. What shall he have who kills the bull with a bull + 'it? Why, a tent at Cowshot, near Bisley.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/160-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/160-2.png" + alt="Mr. Mackintosh balancing the feather on the sands." /> + </a>What Mr. Mackintosh ought to have done. "Balancing + the Feather." An entertainment on the sands. + </div> + + <p><i>Next Scene</i>.—Wolf's Crag. Grand + picture—thunder—music—Dr. MACKENZIE—Mr. + MACINTOSH—"the two MACS"—doing excellent work in + orchestra, and on stage—storm—Miss MARRIOTT + admirable as old Witch—red light in + fire-grate—blank verse by MERIVALE, and on we go to</p> + + <p>ACT III.—A Scene never to be forgotten—the + Mermaiden's Well (quite well, thank you), by HAWES CRAVEN, + henceforth to be HAWES McCRAVENSWOOD. Pines, heather, sunlight, + and two picturesque lovers, Master and Miss, exchanging vows. + Master gloomy, Miss lively. Miss promises to become Missus. + Enter Master's future Modern Mother-in-law. Intended to be + vindictive, but really a comfortable and comely body. Might be + <i>Mrs. McBouncer</i> in <i>McBox and McCox</i>. Naturally + enough, off goes Master to France.</p> + + <p>ACT IV.—Another splendid scene. Magnificently attired, + <i>Hayston of Bucklaw</i> attempts to raise a laugh. Success. + <i>Mrs. Mac Bouncer</i> coerces <i>Lucy</i> in white satin to + sign the fatal contract that will settle Master. Ah! that awful + laugh—far more tragic than the one secured by + <i>Bucklaw</i>! It is <i>Lucy</i> going mad! She has already + shown signs of incipient insanity by calling Mr. HOWE, + otherwise <i>Bide-the-Bent</i>, a "holy Father,"—much to + that excellent comedian's surprised content. Contract signed. + Return of "Master." <i>Dénoûment</i> must be seen + to be appreciated. Here McMERIVALE bids Sir WALTER good-bye, + and finishes in his own way. Last scene of all, and the + loveliest. The earliest rays of the sun shining on the + advancing tide! <i>Caleb</i> picks up all that is left of + "Master"—a feather! With Miss ELLEN, Master HENRY, + McMARRIOTT, McMERIVALE, MACKINTOSH, MACKENZIE, and HAWES + McCRAVENSWOOD, here is a success which the advancing tide of + popular favour will float till Easter or longer, and will then + leave a new feather in the cap of Master.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN EMPEROR'S WILL.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The German Emperor is an accomplished Sportsman. He + appears to be able to bring down his birds at + will.—<i>Daily News</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Would you like to be an Emperor, and wear a golden + crown,</p> + + <p class="i2">With fifty different uniforms for every + single day;</p> + + <p>To make the nations shudder with the semblance of a + frown,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, if BISMARCKS should oppose you, just + to order them away?</p> + + <p class="i10">With your actions autocratic,</p> + + <p class="i10">And your poses so dramatic;</p> + + <p>Yours the honour and the glory, while the country + pays the bill,</p> + + <p class="i10">With your shouting sempiternal,</p> + + <p class="i10">And your Grandmamma a Colonel,</p> + + <p>And the power—which is best of all—to + shoot your birds by will.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then the joy of gallopading with a helmet and a + sword,</p> + + <p class="i2">While the thunder of your cannons wakes + the echoes from afar.</p> + + <p>And if, while you're in Germany, you happen to be + bored,</p> + + <p class="i2">Why, you rush away to Russia, and you + call upon the CZAR.</p> + + <p class="i10">With your wordy perorations,</p> + + <p class="i10">And your peaceful proclamations,</p> + + <p>While you grind the nation's manhood in your + military mill.</p> + + <p class="i10">And whenever skies look pleasant</p> + + <p class="i10">Out you go and shoot a pheasant,</p> + + <p>Or as many as you want to, with your + double-barrelled will.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You can always flout your father, too—he's + dead, but never mind;</p> + + <p class="i2">He and all who dream as he did are much + better in their graves.</p> + + <p>And you cross the sea to Osborne, and, if Grandmamma + be kind,</p> + + <p class="i2">You become a British Admiral, and help to + rule the waves;</p> + + <p class="i10">With Jack Tars to say "Ay, Ay, Sir!"</p> + + <p class="i10">To this nautical young Kaiser,</p> + + <p>Who is like the waves he sails on, since he never + can be still.</p> + + <p class="i10">Who to every other blessing</p> + + <p class="i10">Adds the proud one of possessing</p> + + <p>A gun-replacing, bird-destroying, game-bag-filling + will.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"HATS OFF!"—MR. EDWARD CROSSLEY, M.P., is to be + congratulated on a narrow escape, according to the report in + the <i>Times</i> last week. During service in the Free Church + at Brodick, some portion of the ceiling gave way, Mr. CROSSLEY + was covered with plaster—better to be covered with + plaster before than after an accident—and "<i>his hat was + cut to pieces</i>." From which it is to be inferred that "hats + are much worn" during Divine service in the Free Church, as in + the Synagogue. And so no fanatic can be admitted who has "a + tile off." How fortunate for Mr. E. CROSSLEY that this ancient + custom of the Hebrews is still observed in the Free Kirk. Since + then Mr. CROSSLEY has bought a new tile, and is, therefore, + perfectly re-covered.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page161" + id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/161-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/161-1.png" + alt="Reviewing." /></a>Reviewing. + </div> + + <p>The Baron says that he has scarcely been able to get through + the first morning of <i>The Last Days of Palmyra</i>, which + story, so far, reminds him—it being the fashion just now + to mention Cardinal NEWMAN's works—of the latter's + <i>Callista</i>. And <i>à propos</i> of <i>Callista</i> + let me refer my readers to one of the best written articles on + the Cardinal that I have seen. It is to be found in <i>Good + Words</i> for October, and is by Mr. R.H. HUTTON. The Baron is + coaching himself up for a visit to the Lyceum to see + <i>Ravenswood</i>, of which, on all hands, he hears so much + that is good. What a delightful scene where <i>Caleb</i> steals + the wild-fowl from the spit, and the subsequent one, where + <i>Dame Lightbody</i> cuffs the astonished little bairn's head! + "As fresh to me," protests the Baron, "laughing in my chair, as + I have been doing but a minute ago, as it was when I read it, + the Council and Kirk-session only know how long ago!" And this + farcical scene was considered so "grotesquely and absurdly + extravagant" by Sir WALTER's contemporary critics (peace be to + their hashes! Who <i>were</i> they? What were their names? Who + cares?) that the great novelist actually explains how the + incident was founded on one in real life.</p> + + <p>Now to my books. Gadzooks, what's here? Another volume of + <i>Obiter Dicta?</i> By one author this time, for if my memory + fails me not, the previous little book was writ by two scribes. + Well, no matter—or rather lots of matter—and by + AUGUSTINE BIRRELL, who represents <i>Obiter</i> and + <i>Dicta</i> too. With an unclassical false quantity anyone who + so chooses to unscholarise himself, can speak of him as the + <i>O'Biter</i>, so sharp and pungent are some of his remarks. + Ah! here is something on LAMB. For me, quoth the Baron, LAMB is + always in season, serve up the dish with what trimmings you + may, but, if you please, no sauce. Size and shape are the only + things against friend <i>Obiter</i>. It is not what this sort + of book ought to be, portable and potable, like the craftily + qualified contents of a pocket-flask, refreshing on a tedious + journey. Had <i>Obiter</i> been the size of either <i>The Handy + Volume Shakspeare</i>, or of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE'S + Redbacks—both the Baron's prime favourites—the + Baron would have been able to dip into it more frequently, as + he would into that same pocket-flask aforementioned.</p> + + <p>"Next, please!" BLACKIE'S <i>Modern Cyclopedia</i>. Vol. + VII., so we're getting along. I'll just cast my eye over it; + one eye, not two, says the Baron, out of compliment to the + Cyclops. This Volume deals with the letters "P," "R," "S," and + any person wishing to master a few really interesting subjects + for dinner conversation will read and learn up all about + Procyon, Pizemysi, and Pyrheliometer, Quotelet, Quintal, and + Quito, Regulus, Ramazan, Rheumatism, Rhynchops, Rum-Shrub, and + Rupar, Samoyedes, Semiquaver, Sahjehanpur, Silket, Sinter, and + Size. When it is known what a gay conversationalist he is, he + may induce some one to put him up for a cheery Club, where he + will be Blackie-balled. Still, by studying the Cyclopedia + carefully, with a view to being ready with words for charades + and dumb-crambo during the festive Christmas-tide, he may once + again achieve a certain amount of popularity, on which, as on + fresh laurels, he had better retire.</p> + + <p>"Next, please!" <i>How Stanley Wrote his Darkest Africa</i>. + By Mr. E. MARSTON. A most interesting little book, published by + SAMPSON LOW & Co., illustrated with excellent photographs, + and with a couple of light easy sketches, by, I suppose, the + Author, which makes the Baron regret that he didn't do more of + them. "Buy it," says the Baron. The Baron recommends the + perusal of this little book, if only to understand the full + meaning of the old proverbial expression "Going on a wild-goose + chase." The author is a wonderfully rapid-act traveller. He + apparently can "run" round every principal city in Europe and + see everything that's worth seeing in it in about an hour and a + half at most. In this manner, and by not comprehending a word + of the language wherever he is, or at all events only a very + few of the words, he continues to pick up much curious + information which probably would be novel to slower coaches + than himself.</p> + + <p>Interesting account of JOSEF ISRAELS in the <i>Magazine of + Art</i>; but his portrait makes him look gigantic, which JOSEF + is in Art, but not in stature. Those who "know not JOSEF," if + any such there be, will learn much about him, and desire to + know more. "Baroness," says the Baron, "you are right: let + Hostesses and all dinner-givers read 'Some Humours of the + Cuisine' in <i>The Woman's World</i>." The parodies of the + style of Mr. PATER, and of a translation of a Tolstoian Romance + in <i>The Cornhill Magazine</i>, are capital. In the same + number, "Farmhouse Notes" are to The Baron like the Rule of + Three in the ancient rhyme to the youthful student,—"it + puzzles <i>me</i>." It includes a few anecdotes of some + Farm'ous Persons; so perhaps the title is a + crypto-punnygraph.</p> + + <p>All Etonians should possess <i>The English Illustrated + Magazine</i> (MACMILLAN'S), 1889-90, for the sake of the series + of papers and the pictures of Eton College. There is also an + interesting paper on the Beefsteak Room at the Lyceum by + FREDERICK HAWKINS. Delightful Beefsteak Room! What pleasant + little suppers—But no matter—my supper time is + past—"Too late, too late, you cannot enter here," ought + to be the warning inscribed over every Club or other + supper-room, addressed chiefly to those who are of the Middle + Ages, as is the mediæval</p> + + <p>BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FASHIONS IN PHYSIC.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The President of the British Pharmaceutical Conference + lately drew attention to the prevalence of fashion in + medicine.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A fashion in physic, like fashions in frills:</p> + + <p>The doctors at one time are mad upon pills;</p> + + <p>And crystalline principles now have their day,</p> + + <p>Where alkaloids once held an absolute sway.</p> + + <p>The drugs of old times might be good, but it's + true,</p> + + <p>We discard them in favour of those that are new.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The salts and the senna have vanished, we fear,</p> + + <p>As the poet has said, like the snows of last + year;</p> + + <p>And where is the mixture in boyhood we quaff'd,</p> + + <p>That was known by the ominous name of Black + Draught?</p> + + <p>While Gregory's Powder has gone, we are told,</p> + + <p>To the limbo of drugs that are worn out and old.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>New fads and new fancies are reigning supreme,</p> + + <p>And calomel one day will be but a dream;</p> + + <p>While folks have asserted a chemist might toil</p> + + <p>Through his shelves, and find out he had no castor + oil;</p> + + <p>While as to Infusions, they've long taken wings,</p> + + <p>And they'd think you quite mad for prescribing such + things.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The fashion to-day is a tincture so strong,</p> + + <p>That, if dosing yourself, you are sure to go + wrong.</p> + + <p>What men learnt in the past they say brings them no + pelf,</p> + + <p>And the well-tried old remedies rest on the + shelf.</p> + + <p>But the patient may haply exclaim, "Don't be + rash,</p> + + <p>Lest your new-fangled physic should settle my + hash!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR!"—Professor JOHN + TYNDALL wrote to T.W. RUSSELL last week + commencing:—"Here, in the Alps, at the height of more + than 7,000 feet above the sea, have I read your letter to the + <i>Times</i> on 'the War in Tipperary.'" Prodigious! "7,000 + feet" up in the air. "How's that for high?" as the Americans + say. How misty his views must be in this cloudland—and + that the Professor's writing should be above the heads of the + people, goes without saying.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/161-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/161-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>FEMALE ATHLETICISM.—If Ladies go in for "the gloves," + not as formerly by the coward's blow on the lips of a sleeping + victim—often uncommonly wide-awake—the noble art of + self-defence can be taught under the head of "Millin-ery."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"CHANGE OF AIR—WANTED," by a party much broken up, a + new tune to replace the "<i>Boulanger March</i>!" If the new + tune cannot be found, we can at least suggest a change of title + for the old one. So, instead of "<i>En revenant de la + Revue</i>," let it be "<i>En rêvant à la + Revue</i>." It should commence brilliantly, then intermediate + variations, in which sharps and flats would play a considerable + part, and, finally, after a chromatic scale, down not up, of + accidentals, it should finish in the minor <i>rallentando + diminuendo</i>, and end like the comic overture (whose we + forget—HAYDN'S?), where all the performers sneak off, and + the conductor is left alone in his glory.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The British Fire Brigade representatives took with them a + dog, to be presented to President CARNOT. Why only one dog? Two + fire-dogs are to be found on the hearth of every old French + Château. Why only half do it?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page162" + id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/162.png" + alt="Adding insult to injury." /></a> + + <h3>ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.</h3><i>Brown</i> (<i>whose + prize St. Bernard has just snatched a fillet of Veal from a + Butcher's slab</i>). "HI! COME AND TAKE YOUR CONFOUNDED + MEAT AWAY FROM HIM! <i>HE'S EATING THE SKEWERS!</i>" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"DEATH AND HIS BROTHER SLEEP."</h2> + + <h4><i>Queen Mab</i>.</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Major MARINDIN, in his Report to the Board of Trade on + the railway collision at Eastleigh, attributes it to the + engine-driver and stoker having "failed to keep a proper + look-out." His opinion is, that both men were "asleep, or + nearly so," owing to having been on duty for sixteen hours + and a-half. "He expresses himself in very strong terms on + the great danger to the public of working engine-drivers + and firemen for too great a number of + hours."—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Who</i> is in charge of the clattering train?</p> + + <p>The axles creak, and the couplings strain.</p> + + <p>Ten minutes behind at the Junction. Yes!</p> + + <p>And we're twenty now to the bad—no less!</p> + + <p>We must make it up on our flight to town.</p> + + <p>Clatter and crash! That's the last train down,</p> + + <p>Flashing by with a steamy trail.</p> + + <p>Pile on the fuel! We must not fail.</p> + + <p>At every mile we a minute must gain!</p> + + <p><i>Who</i> is in charge of the clattering train?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why, flesh and blood, as a matter of course!</p> + + <p>You may talk of iron, and prate of force;</p> + + <p>But, after all, and do what you can,</p> + + <p>The best—and cheapest—machine is + Man!</p> + + <p>Wealth knows it well, and the hucksters feel</p> + + <p>'Tis safer to trust them to sinew than steel.</p> + + <p>With a bit of brain, and a conscience, behind,</p> + + <p>Muscle works better than steam or wind.</p> + + <p>Better, and longer, and harder all round;</p> + + <p>And cheap, so cheap! Men superabound</p> + + <p>Men stalwart, vigilant, patient, bold;</p> + + <p>The stokehole's heat and the crow's-nest's cold,</p> + + <p>The choking dusk of the noisome mine,</p> + + <p>The northern blast o'er the beating brine,</p> + + <p>With dogged valour they coolly brave;</p> + + <p>So on rattling rail, or on wind-scourged wave,</p> + + <p>At engine lever, at furnace front,</p> + + <p>Or steersman's wheel, <i>they</i> must bear the + brunt</p> + + <p>Of lonely vigil or lengthened strain.</p> + + <p><i>Man</i> is in charge of the thundering train!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Man, in the shape of a modest chap</p> + + <p>In fustian trousers and greasy cap;</p> + + <p>A trifle stolid, and something gruff,</p> + + <p>Yet, though unpolished, of sturdy stuff.</p> + + <p>With grave grey eyes, and a knitted brow,</p> + + <p>The glare of sun and the gleam of snow</p> + + <p>Those eyes have stared on this many a year.</p> + + <p>The crow's-feet gather in mazes queer</p> + + <p>About their corners most apt to choke</p> + + <p>With grime of fuel and fume of smoke.</p> + + <p>Little to tickle the artist taste—</p> + + <p>An oil-can, a fist-full of "cotton waste,"</p> + + <p>The lever's click and the furnace gleam,</p> + + <p>And the mingled odour of oil and steam;</p> + + <p>These are the matters that fill the brain</p> + + <p>Of the Man in charge of the clattering train.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Only a Man, but away at his back,</p> + + <p>In a dozen ears, on the steely track,</p> + + <p>A hundred passengers place their trust</p> + + <p>In this fellow of fustian, grease, and dust.</p> + + <p>They cheerily chat, or they calmly sleep,</p> + + <p>Sure that the driver <i>his</i> watch will keep</p> + + <p>On the night-dark track, that he will not fail.</p> + + <p>So the thud, thud, thud of wheel upon rail</p> + + <p>The hiss of steam-spurts athwart the dark.</p> + + <p>Lull them to confident drowsiness. Hark!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What is that sound? 'Tis the stertorous breath</p> + + <p>Of a slumbering man,—and it smacks of + death!</p> + + <p>Full sixteen hours of continuous toil</p> + + <p>Midst the fume of sulphur, the reek of oil,</p> + + <p>Have told their tale on the man's tired brain,</p> + + <p>And Death is in charge of the clattering train!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sleep—Death's brother, as poets deem,</p> + + <p>Stealeth soft to his side; a dream</p> + + <p>Of home and rest on his spirit creeps,</p> + + <p>That wearied man, as the engine leaps,</p> + + <p>Throbbing, swaying along the line;</p> + + <p>Those poppy-fingers his head incline</p> + + <p>Lower, lower, in slumber's trance;</p> + + <p>The shadows fleet, and the gas-gleams dance</p> + + <p>Faster, faster in mazy flight,</p> + + <p>As the engine flashes across the night.</p> + + <p>Mortal muscle and human nerve</p> + + <p>Cheap to purchase, and stout to serve.</p> + + <p>Strained <i>too</i> fiercely will faint and + swerve.</p> + + <p>Over-weighted, and underpaid,</p> + + <p>This human tool of exploiting Trade,</p> + + <p>Though tougher than leather, tenser than steel.</p> + + <p>Fails at last, for his senses reel,</p> + + <p>His nerves collapse, and, with sleep-sealed + eyes,</p> + + <p>Prone and helpless a log he lies!</p> + + <p>A hundred hearts beat placidly on,</p> + + <p>Unwitting they that their warder's gone;</p> + + <p>A hundred lips are babbling blithe,</p> + + <p>Some seconds hence they in pain may writhe.</p> + + <p>For the pace is hot, and the points are near,</p> + + <p>And Sleep hath deadened the driver's ear;</p> + + <p>And signals flash through the night in vain.</p> + + <p>Death is in charge of the clattering train!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"WHAT TO DO WITH OUR GIRLS." (<i>Paterfamilias's + answer</i>.)—Give them away! (Matrimonially, of + course.)</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page163" + id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/163.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"DEATH AND HIS BROTHER SLEEP."</h3>SHELLEY.<br /> + (<i>See Major Marindin's Report to the Board of Trade on + the Railway Collision near Eastleigh.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page165" + id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/165.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>"THE CAUSE" AND THE EFFECT.</h3> + + <table summary="caption" + width="100%"> + <tr> + <td width="48%" + valign="top"> + <p>Mr. —— moved, "That this + Mass-meeting pledges itself to support the + efforts of Messrs. —— & Co.'s + men, by joining the Union, and further pledges + itself to take all legal efforts to prevent + anyone obtaining a job there so long as the + dispute lasts." The resolution was carried by + acclamation.</p> + </td> + + <td width="4%"></td> + + <td width="48%" + valign="top"> + <p><i>Coroner</i>. How is it the child's father + cannot get work?</p> + + <p><i>Witness</i>. Because he has no Union + card.</p> + + <p><i>Coroner</i>. Then if men do not belong to + the different Trades Unions they must + starve.—<i>Coroner's Inquest + Report</i>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ALL VERY VINE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>With acknowledgments to the White Knight in "Through + the Looking-Glass."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["One of the most interesting exhibits (at the Royal + Horticultural Society's Grape and Dahlia Show at Chiswick) + were clusters of grapes with the scent and taste of + strawberries and raspberries, as grown in Transatlantic + hothouses."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'll tell thee everything I can;</p> + + <p class="i2">There's little to relate:</p> + + <p>I met a simple citizen</p> + + <p class="i2">Of some "United State."</p> + + <p>"Who are you, simple man?" I said,</p> + + <p class="i2">"And how is it you live?"</p> + + <p>And his answer seemed quite 'cute from one</p> + + <p class="i2">So shy and sensitive.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He said, "I make electric cats</p> + + <p class="i2">That prowl upon the leads,</p> + + <p>To prey upon the brutes who raise</p> + + <p class="i2">Mad music o'er our heads.</p> + + <p>I also make all sorts of things</p> + + <p class="i2">Which much convenience give;</p> + + <p>In fact, I'm an inventor spry,</p> + + <p class="i2">And that is how I live.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"And I am thinking of a plan</p> + + <p class="i2">For artificial hens,</p> + + <p>And automatic dairy-maids,</p> + + <p class="i2">And self-propelling pens."</p> + + <p>"Such things are stale," I made reply,</p> + + <p class="i2">"They're old, and flat, and thin.</p> + + <p>Tell me the last thing in your pate,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or I will cave it in!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His accents mild took up the tale:</p> + + <p class="i2">He said, "I've tried to make</p> + + <p>A sirloin out of turnips, and</p> + + <p class="i2">A vegetable steak."</p> + + <p>I shook him well, from side to side,</p> + + <p class="i2">To stimulate his brain;</p> + + <p>"You've got some newer dodge," I cried,</p> + + <p class="i2">"And that you must explain."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He said, "I always willingly</p> + + <p class="i2">Do anything to please.</p> + + <p>What do you say to growing grapes</p> + + <p class="i2">That taste like strawberr-ees!</p> + + <p>They're showing off at Chiswick now,</p> + + <p class="i2">As I a sinner am,</p> + + <p>Some big black Hamburgs which, when pressed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Taste just like raspberry jam."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So now whene'er I drink a glass</p> + + <p class="i2">Of wine that seems like rum,</p> + + <p>Or peel myself an orange that</p> + + <p class="i2">Reminds me of a plum,</p> + + <p>Or if I come across a peach</p> + + <p class="i2">With flavour like a bilberry,</p> + + <p>I weep, for it reminds me so</p> + + <p>Of Chiswick's Grape and Dahlia Show,</p> + + <p>And that 'cute man I used to know,</p> + + <p>Who could at will transform a sloe</p> + + <p>Into a thing with the aro-</p> + + <p>-ma of all fruits known here below,</p> + + <p class="i2">From apricot to mulberry.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NATIVE GROWTH.</h2> + + <p>According to a case about oysters—instead of a case, + it ought to have been a barrel—heard before Mr. Alderman + WILKIN,—and as the case may be still + <i>sub-Aldermanice</i>, we have nothing to say as to its merits + or demerits,—it appears, that in September, 1889, the + price of Royal Whitstable Natives was 14<i>s.</i> per 100; + <i>i.e.</i>, 1<i>s.</i> 3<i>d.</i> for a baker's dozen of + thirteen. Though why a baker should be allowed "a little one + in," be it oysters or anything else, only Heaven and the + erudite Editor of <i>Notes and Queries</i> know. But, without + further allusion to the baker, who has just dropped in + accidentally as he did into the conversation between <i>Mrs. + Bardell</i> and <i>Mrs. Cluppins</i>, when <i>Sam Weller</i> + joined in, and they all "got a talking," it is enough to make + any oyster-lover's mouth water—no doubt the worthy + Alderman's did water,—did water "like WILKIN!"—to + hear that while everybody, including the worthy Alderman + aforesaid, was paying 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>, and 3<i>s.</i>, + and even 3<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> for real Natives, some people + were gratifying their molluscous tastes at the small charge of + One Shilling and Threepence for thirteen, or were getting six + oysters and a half—the half be demm'd—for sixpence. + Long time is it since we paid 1<i>s.</i> 3<i>d.</i> for Real + Royal Natives. They may have left Whitstable at that price, but + they never came to our Wits' Table at anything like that + figure. Still, to the truly Christian mind it is pleasant, if + not consoling, to know that some of our fellow-creatures, not + generally so well-favoured as ourselves, should have been able + to take advantage of the most favoured Native clause in the + Oyster Season of 1889.</p> + + <p>*** By the way, in answer to a Correspondent, who signs + himself "AN ARTFUL DREDGER, WHO WISHES TO LIVE OUT OF TOWN," we + beg to inform him that "Beds" is <i>not</i> a county specially + celebrated for oysters.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BREAKING A <i>RECORD</i> ON A WHEEL!</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Break, break, break!</p> + + <p class="i2">On thy "Safety" swift, oh, "crack!"</p> + + <p>And I would that my tongue could utter</p> + + <p class="i2">My thoughts on the cyclist's track.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, well for MECREDY, the "bhoy,"</p> + + <p class="i2">That "records" for him won't stay;</p> + + <p>And well for OSMOND and WOOD</p> + + <p class="i2">That they break them every day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the "Safeties" still improve,</p> + + <p class="i2">And their riders develope more skill;</p> + + <p>And it's oh! for the records of yesterday!</p> + + <p class="i2">To-morrow they'll all be nil!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Break! break! break!</p> + + <p class="i2">On thy wheels, oh, S.B.C.!</p> + + <p>But the grace of KEITH FALCONER, CORTIS, and + KEEN,</p> + + <p class="i2">Will they ever come back to me?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page166" + id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/166.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/166.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHIC PEST.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page167" + id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span> + + <h2>LOST HAIRS-AT-LAW.</h2> + + <p>"SEQUEL to a Breach of Promise Case" is the heading to a + paragraph in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, recording how + <i>Turner</i> v. <i>Avant</i> was heard before Mr. Commissioner + KERR, who adjourned the case for three weeks, because, as Mr. + AGABEG, the Counsel for the Plaintiff, observed, without + agabegging the question, they couldn't get any information + essential to the proceedings as to the whereabouts of the Miss + HAIRS, who, after failing in her action against Sir GEORGE + ELLIOTT, M.P., gave up minding her own business, which she + sold, and retired to the Continent; and Plaintiffs also wanted + to know the present address of a certain, or uncertain, Mr. + HOLLAND, somewhile Secretary to the Avant Company. Odd this. + Not find Hairs in September! Cry "<i>En Avant</i>!" and let + loose the harriers!—a suggestion that might have been + appropriately made by the Commissioner whose name alone, with + respect be it said, should qualify him for the Chief Magistracy + in the Isle of Dogs. In the meantime the Plaintiffs have three + weeks' adjournment in order to search the maps and find + HOLLAND.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TITLED MONTHS.—In the list given by the <i>Figaro</i> + of those present at Cardinal LAVIGERIE'S great anti-slavery + function at Saint Sulpice was "<i>un ancien ministre + plénipotentiare le Baron d'Avril.</i>" What a set of new + titles this suggests for any creation, of new Peers in England! + Duke of DECEMBER! Earl of FEBRUARY! Of course, the nearest + title to Baron D'AVRIL with us is the Earl of MARCH. The + Marquis of MAY sounds nice; Lord AUGUST, Baron JULY; and, + should a certain eminent ecclesiastical lawyer ever become a + Law Lord, there will be yet another British cousin to Baron + d'AVRIL and the Earl of MARCH in—Lord JEUNE.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NO MORE LAW OFFICERS!—"An Automatic Recorder on the + Forth Bridge" was a heading to a paragraph in the <i>St. + James's</i> last Saturday. The announcement must have startled + Sir THOMAS CHAMBERS, Q.C. Heavens! If there is one Automatic + Recorder in the North, why not another in the South? Automatic + Recorders would be followed by Automatic Common Serjeants, + and—Isn't it too awful!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/167.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/167.png" + alt="Herr Professor plays the piano for Rosy." /></a> + + <h3>RATHER A LARGE ORDER.</h3><i>The Herr Professor</i>. + "ACH—BEST MISS ROSY, VILL YOU KINDLY TURN ME OVER!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LOOKING FORWARD.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Extract from "The Daily Prize-fighter," September 24, + 1900.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Yesterday morning LOO BOBBETT and BEN MOUSETRAP had an + interview with Mr. PHEASANT, the Magistrate presiding in the + North-West London Police Court. The approaches to the Court + were crowded from an early hour. Amongst those in the street we + noticed BILLY BLOWFROTH, and SAM SNEEZER, the well-known + pot-boys from "The Glove and Wadding" and "The Tap o'Claret" + Hotels, SHINY MOSES, AARON ISAACS, and SANDY the Sossidge + (so-called by his friends on account of his appearance), the + celebrated bankers from the West-end of Whitechapel, and a + large gathering of the <i>élite</i> of the Lambeth Road. + Inside the Court the company was, if possible, even more + select. Mr. TITAN CHAPEL, the proprietor of the Featherbed + Club, was the first to arrive in his private brougham, and he + was followed at short intervals by the Earl of ARRIEMORE, Lord + TRIMI GLOVESON, Mr. TOOWITH YEW, Mr. BRANDIC OHLD, Mr. SPLITTS + ODER, Mr. GINCOCK TALE, and Mr. ANGUS TEWBER, with a heap more + of the best known patrons of sport in the Metropolis. Little + time was cut to waste in the preliminaries, and it was + generally acknowledged at the end of the day that no prettier + set-to had been witnessed for a long time than that which took + place at the North-West London Police Court. We append below + some of the more salient portions of the evidence.</p> + + <p><i>Inspector Chizzlem</i>. I produce a pair of gloves + ordinarily used at London boxing matches. [<i>Produces them + from his waistcoat pocket.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mr. Pheasant</i> (<i>the Magistrate</i>). Pardon me. I + don't quite understand. Were the gloves that you produce to be + used at this particular competition?</p> + + <p><i>Inspector Chizzlem</i>. No, your Worship. These are one + ounce gloves. The gloves with which these men were to fight are + known as "feather-weight" gloves.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Pheasant</i>. Ah, I see. Feather-weight, not + feather-bed, I presume. (<i>Loud Laughter, in which both the + accused joined.</i>) Have you the actual gloves with you?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Titan Chapel</i> (<i>from the Solicitor's table</i>). + I have brought them, Sir. Here—dear me, what can I have + done with them? I thought I had them somewhere about me. + (<i>Pats his various pockets. A thought strikes him. He pulls + out his watch</i>.) Ah, of course, how foolish of me! I + generally carry them in my watch-case.</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>Opens watch, produces them, and hands them up to + Magistrate</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. Pheasant</i>. Dear me!—so these are gloves. I + know I am inexperienced in these matters, but they look to me + rather like elastic bands. (<i>Roars of laughter. Mr. PHEASANT + tries them on.</i>) However, they teem to fit very nicely. Yes, + who is the next witness?</p> + + <p><i>The Earl of Arriemore</i> (<i>entering the + witness-box</i>). I am, my noble sportsman.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Pheasant</i>. Who are you?</p> + + <p><i>The Earl of Arriemore</i>. ARRIEMORE'S my name, yer + Washup, wich I'm a bloomin' Lord.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Pheasant</i>. Of course—of course. Now tell me, + have you ever boxed at all yourself?</p> + + <p><i>The Earl of Arriemore</i>. Never, thwulp me, never! But I + like to set the lads on to do a bit of millin' for me.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Pheasant</i>. Quite so. Very right and proper. What + do you say to the gloves produced by the inspector?</p> + + <p><i>The Earl of Arriemore</i>. Call <i>them</i> gloves? Why, + I calls 'em woolsacks, that's what I calls 'em. [<i>Much + laughter.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mr. Pheasant</i>. No doubt, that would be so. But now + with regard to these other gloves, do you say they would be + calculated to deaden the force of a blow; in fact, to prevent + such a contest from degenerating into a merely brutal + exhibition, and to make it, as I understand it ought to be, a + contest of pure skill?</p> + + <p><i>The Earl of Arriemore</i>. That's just it. Why, two + babbies might box with them gloves and do themselves no harm. + And, as to skill, why it wants a lot of skill to hit with 'em + at all.</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>Winks at Lord TRIMI GLOVESON, who winks back.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. Pheasant</i>. Really? That is very interesting, very + interesting indeed! I think perhaps the best plan will be for + the two principals to accompany me into my private room, to + give a practical exemplification of the manner in which such a + contest is generally conducted. (<i>At this point the learned + Magistrate retired from the Bench, and was followed into his + private room by LOO BOBBETT. BEN MOUSETRAP, and their Seconds. + After an hour's interval, Mr. PHEASANT returned to the Bench + alone</i>.) I will give my decision at once. The prize must be + handed over to Mr. MOUSETRAP. That last cross-counter of his + fairly settled Mr. BOBBETT. I held the watch myself, and I know + that he lay on the ground stunned for a full minute. (<i>To + the</i> Usher.) Send the Divisional Surgeon into my room at + once, and fetch an ambulance. The Court will now adjourn.</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>Loud applause, which was instantly suppressed.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. Pheasant</i> (<i>sternly</i>). This Court is not a + Prize-Ring.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page168" + id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span> + + <h2>"A STRUGGLE FOR LIFE" AT THE AVENUE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/168-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/168-1.png" + alt="Mr. George Alexander and Mr. Albert Chevalier." /> + </a>Alexander the Less and the preux Chevalier. + </div> + + <p>First of all, the title of the piece is against it. <i>The + Struggle for Life</i> suggests to the general British Public, + unacquainted with the name of DAUDET, a melodrama of the type + of <i>Drink</i>, in which a variety of characters should be + engaged in the great struggle for existence. It is suggestive + of strikes, the great struggle between Labour and Capital, + between class and class, between principal and interest, + between those with moral principles and those without them. It + is suggestive of the very climax of melodramatic sensation, + and, being suggestive of all this to the majority, the majority + will be disappointed when it doesn't get all that this very + responsible title has led them to expect. Those who know the + French novel will be dissatisfied with the English adaptation + of it, filtered, as it has been, through a French dramatic + version of the story. So much for the title. For the play + itself, as given by Messrs. BUCHANAN and HORNER,—the + latter of whom, true to ancestral tradition, will have his + finger in the pie,—it is but an ordinary drama, strongly + reminding a public which knows its DICKENS of the story of + <i>Little Em'ly</i>, with <i>Vaillant</i> for <i>Old + Peggotty</i>, <i>Lydie</i> for <i>Little Em'ly</i>, <i>Antonin + Caussade</i> for <i>Ham</i>, and <i>Paul Astier</i> for + <i>Steerforth</i>. Perhaps it would be carrying the resemblance + too far to see in <i>Rosa Dartle</i>, with her scorn For "that + sort of creature," the germ of <i>Esther de + Sélény</i>. Mix this with a situation from <i>Le + Monde où l'on s'ennuie</i>, spoilt in the mixing, and + there's the drama.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/168-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/168-2.png" + alt="" /></a>The Avenger. + </div> + + <p>For the acting—it is admirable. Miss GENEVIEVE WARD is + superb as <i>Madame Paul Astier</i>, and it is not her fault, + but the misfortune of the part, that the wife of <i>Paul</i> is + a woman old enough to be his mother, with whose + sufferings—with her eyes wide open, having married a man + of whose worthlessness she was aware,—it is impossible to + feel very much sympathy. She is old enough to have known + better. Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER'S performance of the scoundrel + <i>Paul</i> leaves little to be desired, but he must struggle + for dear life against his—of course, + unconscious—imitation of HENRY IRVING. Shut your eyes to + the facts, occasionally, especially in the death-scene, and it + is the voice of IRVING; open them, and it is ALEXANDER + agonising. No one can care for the fine lady, statuesquely + impersonated by Miss ALMA STANLEY, who yields as easily to + <i>Paul's</i> seductive wooing as does <i>Lady Anne</i> to + <i>Richard the Third</i>. After Miss WARD and Mr. ALEXANDER, + the best performance is that of Miss GRAVES as <i>Little Em'ly + Lydie</i>, and of Mr. FREDERICK KERR as <i>Antonin Ham + Caussade</i>,—the last-named enlisting the genuine + sympathy of the audience for a character which, in less able + hands, might have bordered on the grotesque. The comic parts + have simply been made bores by the adapters, and are not suited + to the farcical couple, Miss KATE PHILLIPS and Mr. ALBERT + CHEVALIER, who are cast for them. If this play is to struggle + successfully for life, the weakest, that is, the comic element, + should at once go to the wall, and the fittest alone, that is, + the tragic, should survive. Also, as the play begins at the + convenient hour of 8.45, it should end punctually at eleven. + The only realistic scene is in <i>Paul Astier's</i> room, when + he is dressing for dinner, and washes his hands with real soap, + uses real towels, and puts real studs and links into his shirt, + and then suddenly reminded, as it were, by a titter which + pervades the house, that there are "ladies present," he + disappears for a few seconds, and returns in his evening-dress + trowsers and nice clean shirt, looking, except for the absence + of braces, like a certain well-known haberdasher's pictorial + advertisement. It is vastly to the credit of the management + that all the articles of <i>Paul's</i> toilet, including + Soap(!!), are not turned to pecuniary advantage in the + advertisements on the programmes. But isn't it a chance lost in + <i>The Struggle for Life</i> at the Avenue?</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CITY VESTRIES AND CITY BENEFACTIONS.</h2> + + <p>I have lately had the distinguished honour conferred upon me + of being unanimously elected a Vestryman of the important + Parish of Saint Michael-Shear-the-Hog, which I need hardly say + is situate in the ancient and renowned City of London. I owe my + election I believe, to the undoubted fact that I am what is + called—I scarcely know why—a tooth-and-nail + Conservative, no one of anything approaching to Radicalism + being ever allowed to enter within the sacred precincts of our + very select Body. Our number is small, but, I am informed, we + represent the very pick of the Parish, and we have confided to + us the somewhat desperate task of defending the funds entrusted + to us, centuries ago, from the fierce attack of Commissioners + with almost unlimited powers, but with little or no sympathy + with the sacred wishes of deceased Parishioners.</p> + + <p>Our contention is that wherever, from circumstances that our + pious ancestors could not have foreseen, it has become simply + impossible to carry out literally their instructions, the funds + should be applied to strictly analogous purposes. For instance, + now in a neighbouring Parish, I am not quite sure whether it is + St. Margaret Moses, or St. Peter the Queer, a considerable sum + was bequeathed by a pious parishioner in the reign of Queen + MARY, of blessed memory, the income from which was to be + applied to the purchasing of faggots for the burning of + heretics, which it was probably considered would be a + considerable saving to the funds of the Parish in question. At + the present time, as we all know, although there are doubtless + plenty of heretics, it has ceased to be the custom to burn + them, so the bequest cannot be applied in accordance with the + wishes of the pious founder. The important question therefore + arises, how should the bequest be applied? Would it be believed + that men are to be found, and men having authority, more's the + pity, who can recommend its application to the education of the + poor, to the providing of convalescent hospitals, or even the + preservation of open spaces for the healthful enjoyment of the + masses of the Metropolis! Yet such is the sad fact. My Vestry, + I am proud to say, are unanimously of opinion that, in such a + case as I have described, common sense and common justice would + dictate that, as the intentions of the pious founder cannot be + applied to the punishment of vice, it should be devoted to the + reward of virtue, and this would be best accomplished by + expending the fund in question in an annual banquet to those + Vestrymen who attended the most assiduously to the arduous + duties of their important office. JOSEPH GREENHORN.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ANOTHER TERC-ISH ATROCITY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Sceptical Sufferer.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[An Austrian physician, Dr. TERC, prescribes bee-stings + as a cure for rheumatism!]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How cloth the little Busy Bee</p> + + <p class="i2">Insert his poisoned stings,</p> + + <p>And kill the keen rheumatic pain</p> + + <p class="i2">That mortal muscle wrings!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Great Scott! It sounds so like a sell!</p> + + <p class="i2">Bee-stings for rheumatiz?</p> + + <p>As well try wasps to make one well.</p> + + <p class="i2">That TERC must be a quiz.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Rather would I rheumatics bear</p> + + <p class="i2">Than try the Busy Bee.</p> + + <p>No, Austrian TERC, your cure <i>may</i> work!</p> + + <p class="i2">But won't he tried on <i>me</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/168-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/168-3.png" + alt="August Glossop Harris." /></a> + </div> + + <p>"IL IRA LOIN."—Great day for England in general, and + for London in particular, when AUGUSTUS GLOSSOP + HARRIS,—the "Gloss-op"-portunely appears nothing without + the gloss up-on him,—popularly known by the title of + AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, rode to the Embankment with his + trumpeters,—it being <i>infra dig.</i> to be seen blowing + one himself,—with his beautiful banners, and his footmen + all in State liveries designed by LEWIS LE GRAND WINGFIELD, he + himself (DRURIOLANUS, not LEWIS LE GRAND) being seated in his + gorgeous new carriage; Sheriff FARMER, too, equally gorgeous, + and equally new, but neither so grand nor so great as + DRURIOLANUS The Magnificent. Then followed "the quaint ceremony + of admission." Not "Free Admission," by any means, for no man + can be a Sheriff of London for nothing. There were loud cheers, + and a big Lunch. <i>Ave Cæsar!</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, October 4, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12306-h.htm or 12306-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/3/0/12306/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Punch, or the London Charivari, William +Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, October 4, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 9, 2004 [EBook #12306] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Punch, or the London Charivari, William +Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +October 4, 1890. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NEW SERIES.--IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. + +This age has been called an Age of Progress, an Age of Reform, an Age +of Intellect, an Age of Shams; everything in fact except an Age of +Prizes. And yet, it is perhaps as an Age of Prizes that it is destined +to be chiefly remembered. The humble but frantic solver of Acrostics +has had his turn, the correct expounder of the law of Hard Cases +has by this time established a complete code of etiquette; the +doll-dresser, the epigram-maker, the teller of witty stories, the +calculator who can discover by an instinct the number of letters in +a given page of print, all have displayed their ingenuity, and have +been magnificently rewarded by prizes varying in value from the mere +publication of their names, up to a policy of life insurance, or a +completely furnished mansion in Peckham Rye. In fact, it has been +calculated by competent actuaries that taking a generation at about +thirty-three years, and making every reasonable allowance for errors +of postage, stoppage _in transitu_, fraudulent bankruptcies and +unauthorised conversions, 120 per cent. of all persons alive in Great +Britain and Ireland in any given day of twenty-four hours, must have +received a prize of some sort. + +Novelists, however, have not as yet received a prize of any sort, +at least as novelists. The reproach is about to be removed. A prize +of L1000 has been offered for the best novel by the Editor of a +newspaper. The most distinguished writers are, so it is declared, +entered for the Competition, but only the name of the prize-winner is +to be revealed, only the prize-winning novel is to be published. Such +at least has been the assurance given to all the eminent authors +by the Editor in question. But _Mr. Punch_ laughs at other people's +assurances, and by means of powers conferred upon him by himself for +that purpose, he has been able to obtain access to all the novels +hitherto sent in, and will now publish a selection of Prize Novels, +together with the names of their authors, and a few notes of his own, +wherever the text may seem to require them. + +In acting thus _Mr. Punch_ feels, in the true spirit of the newest +and the Reviewest of Reviews, that he is conferring a favour on the +authors concerned by allowing them the publicity of these columns. +Sometimes pruning and condensation may be necessary. The operation +will be performed as kindly as circumstances permit. It is hardly +necessary to add that _Mr. Punch_ will _give his own prize in his own +way, and at his own time_, to the author he may deem the best. And +herewith _Mr. Punch_ gives a specimen of-- + + +NO. I.--ONE MAN IN A COAT. + +(_BY_ ARRY O.K. ARRY, _AUTHOR OF "STIGE FICES," "CHEAP WORDS OF A +CHIPPY CHAPPIE," ETSETTERER._) + + [PREFATORY NOTE.--This Novel was carefully wrapped up in + some odd leaves of MARK TWAIN'S _Innocents Abroad_, and was + accompanied by a letter in which the author declared that + the book was worth L3000, but that "to save any more blooming + trouble," he would be willing to take the prize of L1000 by + return of post, and say no more about it.--ED.] + + +CHAPTER I. + +It was all the Slavey what got us into the mess. Have you ever noticed +what a way a Slavey has of snuffling and saying, "Lor, Sir, oo'd 'a +thought it?" on the slightest provocation. She comes into your room +just as you are about to fill your finest two-handed meerschaum with +Navy-cut, and looks at you with a far-away look in her eyes, and a +wisp of hair winding carelessly round the neck of her print dress. You +murmur something in an insinuating way about that box of Vestas you +bought last night from the blind man who stands outside "The Old King +of Prussia" pub round the corner. Then one of her hairpins drops into +the fireplace, and you rush to pick it up, and she rushes at the same +moment, and your head goes crack against her head, and you see some +stars, and a weary kind of sensation comes over you, and just as you +feel inclined to send for the cat's-meat man down the next court to +come and fetch you away to the Dogs' Home, in bounces your landlady, +and with two or three "Well, I nevers!" and "There's an imperent +'ussey, for you!" nearly bursts the patent non-combustible bootlace +you lent her last night to hang the brass locket round her neck by. + +POTTLE says his landlady's different, but then POTTLE always was +a rum 'un, and nobody knows what old rag-and-bone shop he gets his +landladies from. I always get mine only at the best places, and +advise everybody else to do the same. I mentioned this once to BILL +MOSER, who looks after the calico department in the big store in the +High Street, but he only sniffed, and said, "Garne, you don't know +everythink!" which was rude of him. I might have given him one for +himself just then, but I didn't. I always was a lamb; but I made up my +mind that next time I go into the ham-and-beef shop kept by old Mother +MOSER I'll say something about "'orses from Belgium" that the old lady +won't like. + +Did you ever go into a ham-and-beef shop? It's just like this. I went +into MOSER'S last week. Just when I got in I tripped over some ribs of +beef lying in the doorway, and before I had time to say I preferred my +beef without any boot-blacking, I fell head-first against an immense +sirloin on the parlour table. Mrs. MOSER called all the men who were +loafing around, and all the boys and girls, and they carved away at +the sirloin for five hours without being able to get my head out. +At last an old gentleman, who was having his dinner there, said he +couldn't bear whiskers served up as a vegetable with his beef. Then +they knew they'd got near my face, so they sent away the Coroner and +pulled me out, and when I got home my coat-tail pockets were full of +old ham-bones. The boy did that--young varmint! I'll ham-bone him when +I catch him next! + + +CHAPTER II. + +Let me see, what was I after? Oh, yes, I remember. I was going to +tell you about our Slavey and the pretty pickle she got us into. I'm +not sure it wasn't POTTLE'S fault. I said to him, just as he was +wiping his mouth on the back of his hand after his fourth pint of +shandy-gaff, "POTTLE, my boy," I said, "you're no end of a chap for +shouting 'Cash forward!' so that all the girls in the shop hear you +and say to one another, 'My, what a lovely voice that young POTTLE'S +got!' But you're not much good at helping a pal to order a new coat, +nor for the matter of that, in helping him to try it on." But POTTLE +only hooked up his nose and looked scornful. Well, when the coat came +home the Slavey brought it up, and put it on my best three-legged +chair, and then flung out of the room with a toss of her head, as much +as to say, "'Ere's extravagance!" First I looked at the coat, and then +the coat seemed to look at me. Then I lifted it up and put it down +again, and sent out for three-ha'porth of gin. Then I tackled the +blooming thing again. One arm went in with a ten-horse power shove. +Next I tried the other. After no end of fumbling I found the sleeve. +"In you go!" I said to my arm, and in he went, only it happened to be +the breast-pocket. I jammed, the pocket creaked, but I jammed hardest, +and in went my fist, and out went the pocket. + +Then I sat down, tired and sad, and the lodging-house cat came in and +lapped up the milk for my tea, and MOSER'S bull-dog just looked me +up, and went off with the left leg of my trousers, and the landlady's +little boy peeped round the door and cried, "Oh, Mar, the poor +gentleman's red in the face--I'm sure he's on fire!" And the local +fire-brigade was called up, and they pumped on me for ten minutes, and +then wrote "Inextinguishable" in their note-books, and went home; and +all the time I couldn't move, because my arms were stuck tight in a +coat two sizes too small for me. + + +CHAPTER III. + +The Slavey managed-- + + [No, thank you. No more.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _His Reverence_. "DINNER, 7:30. I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER +OF AN HOUR'S GRACE!" + +_His Irreverence_. "THEN COMMENCE AT 7:30, AND I'LL BE THERE AT +7:45!"] + + * * * * * + +FAVOURITE TOOL OF RAILWAY COMPANIES.--A Screw-Driver! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "C'EST MAGNIFIQUE! MAIS--" + +_Mr. Bull_ (_Paymaster_). "WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?" + +_Mr. Punch_ (_Umpire-in Chief_). "FINE RIDER--FINE HORSE! BUT--AS A +CAVALRY SOLDIER--HAS TO LEARN HIS BUSINESS!"] + + ["How then about the British Cavalry of September, 1890? A + spectator who has taken part in modern regular war, and has + watched the manoeuvres, said one day to me when I accosted + him, in an apologetic tone, 'I have hitherto done your Army + injustice, I will not do so again; I had no idea how well + your officers and your troopers ride,--they are very fine + horsemen.' There he stopped; I waited for more, but he had + ended; his silence was a crushing criticism, unintentionally + too severe, but very true.... I assert, therefore, that at + this moment, our Cavalry is inefficient, and not prepared + for war."--_The Times Military Correspondent_.] + +AIR--"_TALLY-HO!_" (_FROM THE BALLIOL SONG-BOOK._) + + "Of all the recreations with which mortal man is blest" + (Says BALLIOL's Song) "fox-hunting still is pleasantest and best." + A Briton in the saddle is a picture, and our pride, + In scarlet or in uniform at least our lads can _ride_. + Away, away they go, + With a tally, tally-ho! + With a tally, tally, tally, tally, tally, tally-ho! + + But riding, for our Cavalry, is, after all, not all. + To lead the field, to leap a fence, to bravely face a fall, + Are well enough. And first-rate stuff from the hunting-field may come, + But something more is wanted when Bellona beats her drum, + And calls our lads to go, + With a rally, rally-ho! &c. + + Good men and rattling horses are not all that England needs; + She wants sound knowledge in the men, and training in the steeds. + Scouting and reconnaissance are not needed for the fox, + Nor "leading in big masses" for the furious final shocks, + When away the troopers go, + With a rally, rally, ho! &c. + + But when a squadron charges on the real field of war, + Courage and a good seat alone will not go very far; + Our lads must "know their business," and their officers must "lead," + Not with cross-country dash alone, but skill and prudent heed, + When away the troopers go, + With a rally, rally, ho! &c. + + War's field will test the Cavalry, or clad in blue or red; + In all things they must "thorough" be, as well as thorough-bred. + "Heavy" or "light," they'll have to _fight_; not such mad, headlong fray, + As marked for fame with pride--and shame--that Balaklava day, + When away our lads did go, + With a rally, rally, ho! &c. + + Eh? "Inefficient," Mr. BULL, "and not prepared for war?" + That judgment, if 'tis _near_ the truth, on patriot souls must jar. + And _Mr. Punch_ (Umpire-in-Chief) to JOHN (Paymaster), cries, + "You'll have to test the truth of this before the need arise + For our lads away to go. + With a rally, rally-ho!" &c + + And since that Soldier's incomplete for _Duty_ unprepared, + Although he's game to dare the worst that ever Briton dared, + To supplement our trooper's skill in saddle, pluck and dash, + You must have more manoeuvres, JOHN, and--if needs be,--_more cash!_ + Then away away we'll go + With a tally rally-ho! + And never be afraid to face the strongest, fiercest foe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOURNALISM IN FRANCE. JOURNALISM IN ENGLAND. (A +Contrast.)] + + * * * * * + +HAD HE SUCCEEDED! + +(_A POSSIBLE PAGE IN FRENCH HISTORY THAT PROBABLY WILL NEVER BE +WRITTEN._) + +The General-President had been established at the Elysee for +some three months, when his _aides-de-camp_ found their labours +considerably increased. At all hours of the day and night they were +called up to receive persons who desired an interview with their chief +and master. As they had received strict orders from His Highness +never to appear in anything but full uniform (cloth of gold tunics, +silver-tissue trousers, and belts and epaulettes of diamonds) they +spent most of their time in changing their costume. + +"I am here to see anyone and everyone," said His Highness; "but I look +to you, Gentlemen of the Ring, I should say Household, to see that I +am disturbed by only those who have the right of _entree_. And now, +_houp-la!_ You can go." + +Thus dismissed, the unfortunate _aides-de-camp_ could but bow, +and retire in silence. But, though they gave no utterance to their +thoughts, their reflections were of a painful character. They felt +what with five reviews a day, to say nothing of what might be termed +scenes in the circle (attendances at the Bois, dances at the Hotel de +Ville, and the like), their entire exhaustion was only a question of +weeks, or even days. + +One morning the General-President, weary of interviews, was about to +retire into his _salle-a-manger_, there to discuss the twenty-five +courses of his simple _dejeuner a la fourchette_, when he was stopped +by a person in a garb more remarkable for its eccentricity than its +richness. This person wore a coat with tails a yard long, enormous +boots, a battered hat, and a red wig. A close observer would have +doubted whether his nose was real or artificial. The strangely-garbed +intruder bowed grotesquely. + +"What do you want with me?" asked the General-President, sharply. "Do +you not know I am busy?" + +"Not too busy to see me," retorted the unwelcome guest, striking up a +lively tune upon a banjo which he had concealed about his person while +passing the Palace Guard, but which he now produced. "I pray you step +with me a measure." + +Thus courteously invited, His Highness could but comply, and for some +ten minutes host and guest indulged in a breakdown. + +"And now, what do you want with me?" asked the General-President when +the dance had been brought to a satisfactory conclusion. + +"My reward," was the prompt reply. + +"Reward!" echoed His Highness. "Why, my good friend, I have refused +a Royal Duke, an Imperial Prince, a Powerful Order, and any number of +individuals, who have made a like demand." + +"Ah! but they did not do so much for you as I did." + +"Well, I don't know," returned the General-President, "but they parted +with their gold pretty freely." + +"Gold!" retorted the visitor, contemptuously, "I gave you more +than gold. From me you had notes. Where would you have been without +my songs?" He took off his false nose, and thus enabled the +General-President to recognise the "Pride of the Music Halls!" + +"You will find I am not ungrateful," said the Chief of the State, with +difficulty suppressing his emotion. + +His Highness was as good as his word. The next night at the _Cafe +des Ambassadeurs_ there was a novel attraction. An old favourite was +described in the _affiches_ as _le Due de Nouveau-Cirque_. + +The reception that old favourite received in the course of the +evening was fairly, but not too cordial. But enthusiasm and hilarity +reached fever-heat when, on turning his face from them, the audience +discovered that their droll was wearing (in a somewhat grotesque +fashion) the _grand cordon_ of the Legion of Honour on his back! Then +it was felt that France _must_ be safe in the hands of a man whose +sense of the fitness of things rivalled the taste of the pig whose +soul soared above the charm of pearls! + + * * * * * + +SCOTT-FREE; OR, RAVENSWOOD-NOTES WILD. + +ACT I.--A grand old Castle in the distance, with foreground of rude +and rugged rocks. Around the rugged rocks a quaint funeral service. +HENRY IRVING, "the Master" not only of _Ravenswood_, but the art of +acting (as instanced by a score of fine impersonations), flouts the +veteran comedian, HOWE; and, Howe attired? He is in some strange +garb as a nondescript parson. Then "Master" (as the _Sporting Times_ +would irreverently speak of him) soliloquises over Master's father's +coffin. Arrival of _Sir William Ashton_. Row and flashing of steel +in torchlight. Appearance of one lovely beyond compare--ELLEN TERRY, +otherwise _Lucy Ashton_; graceful as a Swan. Swan and Edgar. Curtain. + +[Illustration: MR. IRVING MAKING HIS GREAT HIT. THE BULL'S-EYE! + +After such a hit,--"there is no cause for fear now!"] + +ACT II.--Library and Armoury. Convenient swords and loaded +blunderbusses. _Lord Keeper Ashton_ appears. Quite right that there +should be the Keeper present, in view of _Lucy_ subsequently going +mad. Young _Henry Ashton_, the youth GORDON CRAIG, a lad of promise, +and performance, has the entire stage to himself for full two minutes, +to show what he can do with a speech descriptive of some pictures. +Master alone with Keeper, suggests duel. Why arms in Library, unless +duel? Fight about to commence according to Queensberry rules, when +Master sees portrait. Whose? _Lucy's_? "No," says Master; "not to +be taken in. I know LUCY'S picture; it was done by WARD." The Keeper +explains that this is a portrait, not of the author of _The History of +Two Parliaments_, and _Fleecing Gideon_, but of his daughter _Lucy_, +which has never yet been seen in any exhibition or loan collection. +"Oho," says Master, "then I won't fight a chap who has a daughter +like that." Ha! Mad bull "heard without"--one of the "herd +without,"--Master picks up blunderbuss, no blunder, makes a hit and +saves a miss; i.e., _Lucy_. What shall he have who kills the bull +with a bull 'it? Why, a tent at Cowshot, near Bisley. + +_Next Scene_.--Wolf's Crag. Grand picture--thunder--music--Dr. +MACKENZIE--Mr. MACINTOSH--"the two MACS"--doing excellent work +in orchestra, and on stage--storm--Miss MARRIOTT admirable as old +Witch--red light in fire-grate--blank verse by MERIVALE, and on we +go to + +ACT III.--A Scene never to be forgotten--the Mermaiden's Well +(quite well, thank you), by HAWES CRAVEN, henceforth to be HAWES +McCRAVENSWOOD. Pines, heather, sunlight, and two picturesque lovers, +Master and Miss, exchanging vows. Master gloomy, Miss lively. Miss +promises to become Missus. Enter Master's future Modern Mother-in-law. +Intended to be vindictive, but really a comfortable and comely body. +Might be _Mrs. McBouncer_ in _McBox and McCox_. Naturally enough, off +goes Master to France. + +[Illustration: What Mr. Mackintosh ought to have done. "Balancing the +Feather." An entertainment on the sands.] + +ACT IV.--Another splendid scene. Magnificently attired, _Hayston +of Bucklaw_ attempts to raise a laugh. Success. _Mrs. Mac Bouncer_ +coerces _Lucy_ in white satin to sign the fatal contract that will +settle Master. Ah! that awful laugh--far more tragic than the one +secured by _Bucklaw_! It is _Lucy_ going mad! She has already +shown signs of incipient insanity by calling Mr. HOWE, otherwise +_Bide-the-Bent_, a "holy Father,"--much to that excellent comedian's +surprised content. Contract signed. Return of "Master." _Denoument_ +must be seen to be appreciated. Here McMERIVALE bids Sir WALTER +good-bye, and finishes in his own way. Last scene of all, and the +loveliest. The earliest rays of the sun shining on the advancing tide! +_Caleb_ picks up all that is left of "Master"--a feather! With Miss +ELLEN, Master HENRY, McMARRIOTT, McMERIVALE, MACKINTOSH, MACKENZIE, +and HAWES McCRAVENSWOOD, here is a success which the advancing tide of +popular favour will float till Easter or longer, and will then leave a +new feather in the cap of Master. + + * * * * * + +AN EMPEROR'S WILL. + + [The German Emperor is an accomplished Sportsman. He appears + to be able to bring down his birds at will.--_Daily News_.] + + Would you like to be an Emperor, and wear a golden crown, + With fifty different uniforms for every single day; + To make the nations shudder with the semblance of a frown, + And, if BISMARCKS should oppose you, just to order them away? + With your actions autocratic, + And your poses so dramatic; + Yours the honour and the glory, while the country pays the bill, + With your shouting sempiternal, + And your Grandmamma a Colonel, + And the power--which is best of all--to shoot your birds by will. + + Then the joy of gallopading with a helmet and a sword, + While the thunder of your cannons wakes the echoes from afar. + And if, while you're in Germany, you happen to be bored, + Why, you rush away to Russia, and you call upon the CZAR. + With your wordy perorations, + And your peaceful proclamations, + While you grind the nation's manhood in your military mill. + And whenever skies look pleasant + Out you go and shoot a pheasant, + Or as many as you want to, with your double-barrelled will. + + You can always flout your father, too--he's dead, but never mind; + He and all who dream as he did are much better in their graves. + And you cross the sea to Osborne, and, if Grandmamma be kind, + You become a British Admiral, and help to rule the waves; + With Jack Tars to say "Ay, Ay, Sir!" + To this nautical young Kaiser, + Who is like the waves he sails on, since he never can be still. + Who to every other blessing + Adds the proud one of possessing + A gun-replacing, bird-destroying, game-bag-filling will. + + * * * * * + +"HATS OFF!"--MR. EDWARD CROSSLEY, M.P., is to be congratulated on +a narrow escape, according to the report in the _Times_ last week. +During service in the Free Church at Brodick, some portion of the +ceiling gave way, Mr. CROSSLEY was covered with plaster--better to be +covered with plaster before than after an accident--and "_his hat was +cut to pieces_." From which it is to be inferred that "hats are much +worn" during Divine service in the Free Church, as in the Synagogue. +And so no fanatic can be admitted who has "a tile off." How fortunate +for Mr. E. CROSSLEY that this ancient custom of the Hebrews is still +observed in the Free Kirk. Since then Mr. CROSSLEY has bought a new +tile, and is, therefore, perfectly re-covered. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Reviewing.] + +The Baron says that he has scarcely been able to get through the first +morning of _The Last Days of Palmyra_, which story, so far, reminds +him--it being the fashion just now to mention Cardinal NEWMAN's +works--of the latter's _Callista_. And _a propos_ of _Callista_ let me +refer my readers to one of the best written articles on the Cardinal +that I have seen. It is to be found in _Good Words_ for October, and +is by Mr. R.H. HUTTON. The Baron is coaching himself up for a visit +to the Lyceum to see _Ravenswood_, of which, on all hands, he hears +so much that is good. What a delightful scene where _Caleb_ steals +the wild-fowl from the spit, and the subsequent one, where _Dame +Lightbody_ cuffs the astonished little bairn's head! "As fresh to me," +protests the Baron, "laughing in my chair, as I have been doing but +a minute ago, as it was when I read it, the Council and Kirk-session +only know how long ago!" And this farcical scene was considered so +"grotesquely and absurdly extravagant" by Sir WALTER's contemporary +critics (peace be to their hashes! Who _were_ they? What were their +names? Who cares?) that the great novelist actually explains how the +incident was founded on one in real life. + +Now to my books. Gadzooks, what's here? Another volume of _Obiter +Dicta?_ By one author this time, for if my memory fails me not, the +previous little book was writ by two scribes. Well, no matter--or +rather lots of matter--and by AUGUSTINE BIRRELL, who represents +_Obiter_ and _Dicta_ too. With an unclassical false quantity anyone +who so chooses to unscholarise himself, can speak of him as the +_O'Biter_, so sharp and pungent are some of his remarks. Ah! here is +something on LAMB. For me, quoth the Baron, LAMB is always in season, +serve up the dish with what trimmings you may, but, if you please, no +sauce. Size and shape are the only things against friend _Obiter_. +It is not what this sort of book ought to be, portable and potable, +like the craftily qualified contents of a pocket-flask, refreshing on +a tedious journey. Had _Obiter_ been the size of either _The Handy +Volume Shakspeare_, or of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE'S Redbacks--both the +Baron's prime favourites--the Baron would have been able to dip +into it more frequently, as he would into that same pocket-flask +aforementioned. + +"Next, please!" BLACKIE'S _Modern Cyclopedia_. Vol. VII., so we're +getting along. I'll just cast my eye over it; one eye, not two, says +the Baron, out of compliment to the Cyclops. This Volume deals with +the letters "P," "R," "S," and any person wishing to master a few +really interesting subjects for dinner conversation will read and +learn up all about Procyon, Pizemysi, and Pyrheliometer, Quotelet, +Quintal, and Quito, Regulus, Ramazan, Rheumatism, Rhynchops, +Rum-Shrub, and Rupar, Samoyedes, Semiquaver, Sahjehanpur, Silket, +Sinter, and Size. When it is known what a gay conversationalist he is, +he may induce some one to put him up for a cheery Club, where he will +be Blackie-balled. Still, by studying the Cyclopedia carefully, with a +view to being ready with words for charades and dumb-crambo during the +festive Christmas-tide, he may once again achieve a certain amount of +popularity, on which, as on fresh laurels, he had better retire. + +"Next, please!" _How Stanley Wrote his Darkest Africa_. By Mr. E. +MARSTON. A most interesting little book, published by SAMPSON LOW +& Co., illustrated with excellent photographs, and with a couple of +light easy sketches, by, I suppose, the Author, which makes the Baron +regret that he didn't do more of them. "Buy it," says the Baron. +The Baron recommends the perusal of this little book, if only to +understand the full meaning of the old proverbial expression "Going on +a wild-goose chase." The author is a wonderfully rapid-act traveller. +He apparently can "run" round every principal city in Europe and see +everything that's worth seeing in it in about an hour and a half at +most. In this manner, and by not comprehending a word of the language +wherever he is, or at all events only a very few of the words, he +continues to pick up much curious information which probably would be +novel to slower coaches than himself. + +Interesting account of JOSEF ISRAELS in the _Magazine of Art_; but his +portrait makes him look gigantic, which JOSEF is in Art, but not in +stature. Those who "know not JOSEF," if any such there be, will learn +much about him, and desire to know more. "Baroness," says the Baron, +"you are right: let Hostesses and all dinner-givers read 'Some Humours +of the Cuisine' in _The Woman's World_." The parodies of the style +of Mr. PATER, and of a translation of a Tolstoian Romance in _The +Cornhill Magazine_, are capital. In the same number, "Farmhouse Notes" +are to The Baron like the Rule of Three in the ancient rhyme to the +youthful student,--"it puzzles _me_." It includes a few anecdotes of +some Farm'ous Persons; so perhaps the title is a crypto-punnygraph. + +All Etonians should possess _The English Illustrated Magazine_ +(MACMILLAN'S), 1889-90, for the sake of the series of papers and +the pictures of Eton College. There is also an interesting paper on +the Beefsteak Room at the Lyceum by FREDERICK HAWKINS. Delightful +Beefsteak Room! What pleasant little suppers--But no matter--my supper +time is past--"Too late, too late, you cannot enter here," ought +to be the warning inscribed over every Club or other supper-room, +addressed chiefly to those who are of the Middle Ages, as is the +mediaeval + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +FASHIONS IN PHYSIC. + + [The President of the British Pharmaceutical Conference lately + drew attention to the prevalence of fashion in medicine.] + + A fashion in physic, like fashions in frills: + The doctors at one time are mad upon pills; + And crystalline principles now have their day, + Where alkaloids once held an absolute sway. + The drugs of old times might be good, but it's true, + We discard them in favour of those that are new. + + The salts and the senna have vanished, we fear, + As the poet has said, like the snows of last year; + And where is the mixture in boyhood we quaff'd, + That was known by the ominous name of Black Draught? + While Gregory's Powder has gone, we are told, + To the limbo of drugs that are worn out and old. + + New fads and new fancies are reigning supreme, + And calomel one day will be but a dream; + While folks have asserted a chemist might toil + Through his shelves, and find out he had no castor oil; + While as to Infusions, they've long taken wings, + And they'd think you quite mad for prescribing such things. + + The fashion to-day is a tincture so strong, + That, if dosing yourself, you are sure to go wrong. + What men learnt in the past they say brings them no pelf, + And the well-tried old remedies rest on the shelf. + But the patient may haply exclaim, "Don't be rash, + Lest your new-fangled physic should settle my hash!" + + * * * * * + +"TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR!"--Professor JOHN TYNDALL wrote to T.W. +RUSSELL last week commencing:--"Here, in the Alps, at the height of +more than 7,000 feet above the sea, have I read your letter to the +_Times_ on 'the War in Tipperary.'" Prodigious! "7,000 feet" up in the +air. "How's that for high?" as the Americans say. How misty his views +must be in this cloudland--and that the Professor's writing should be +above the heads of the people, goes without saying. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +FEMALE ATHLETICISM.--If Ladies go in for "the gloves," not as +formerly by the coward's blow on the lips of a sleeping victim--often +uncommonly wide-awake--the noble art of self-defence can be taught +under the head of "Millin-ery." + + * * * * * + +"CHANGE OF AIR--WANTED," by a party much broken up, a new tune to +replace the "_Boulanger March_!" If the new tune cannot be found, we +can at least suggest a change of title for the old one. So, instead +of "_En revenant de la Revue_," let it be "_En revant a la Revue_." +It should commence brilliantly, then intermediate variations, in which +sharps and flats would play a considerable part, and, finally, after a +chromatic scale, down not up, of accidentals, it should finish in the +minor _rallentando diminuendo_, and end like the comic overture (whose +we forget--HAYDN'S?), where all the performers sneak off, and the +conductor is left alone in his glory. + + * * * * * + +The British Fire Brigade representatives took with them a dog, to be +presented to President CARNOT. Why only one dog? Two fire-dogs are to +be found on the hearth of every old French Chateau. Why only half do +it? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ADDING INSULT TO INJURY. + +_Brown_ (_whose prize St. Bernard has just snatched a fillet of Veal +from a Butcher's slab_). "HI! COME AND TAKE YOUR CONFOUNDED MEAT AWAY +FROM HIM! _HE'S EATING THE SKEWERS!_"] + + * * * * * + +"DEATH AND HIS BROTHER SLEEP." + +_QUEEN MAB_. + + [Major MARINDIN, in his Report to the Board of Trade on + the railway collision at Eastleigh, attributes it to the + engine-driver and stoker having "failed to keep a proper + look-out." His opinion is, that both men were "asleep, or + nearly so," owing to having been on duty for sixteen hours + and a-half. "He expresses himself in very strong terms on + the great danger to the public of working engine-drivers and + firemen for too great a number of hours."--_Daily Chronicle_.] + + _Who_ is in charge of the clattering train? + The axles creak, and the couplings strain. + Ten minutes behind at the Junction. Yes! + And we're twenty now to the bad--no less! + We must make it up on our flight to town. + Clatter and crash! That's the last train down, + Flashing by with a steamy trail. + Pile on the fuel! We must not fail. + At every mile we a minute must gain! + _Who_ is in charge of the clattering train? + + Why, flesh and blood, as a matter of course! + You may talk of iron, and prate of force; + But, after all, and do what you can, + The best--and cheapest--machine is Man! + Wealth knows it well, and the hucksters feel + 'Tis safer to trust them to sinew than steel. + With a bit of brain, and a conscience, behind, + Muscle works better than steam or wind. + Better, and longer, and harder all round; + And cheap, so cheap! Men superabound + Men stalwart, vigilant, patient, bold; + The stokehole's heat and the crow's-nest's cold, + The choking dusk of the noisome mine, + The northern blast o'er the beating brine, + With dogged valour they coolly brave; + So on rattling rail, or on wind-scourged wave, + At engine lever, at furnace front, + Or steersman's wheel, _they_ must bear the brunt + Of lonely vigil or lengthened strain. + _Man_ is in charge of the thundering train! + + Man, in the shape of a modest chap + In fustian trousers and greasy cap; + A trifle stolid, and something gruff, + Yet, though unpolished, of sturdy stuff. + With grave grey eyes, and a knitted brow, + The glare of sun and the gleam of snow + Those eyes have stared on this many a year. + The crow's-feet gather in mazes queer + About their corners most apt to choke + With grime of fuel and fume of smoke. + Little to tickle the artist taste-- + An oil-can, a fist-full of "cotton waste," + The lever's click and the furnace gleam, + And the mingled odour of oil and steam; + These are the matters that fill the brain + Of the Man in charge of the clattering train. + + Only a Man, but away at his back, + In a dozen ears, on the steely track, + A hundred passengers place their trust + In this fellow of fustian, grease, and dust. + They cheerily chat, or they calmly sleep, + Sure that the driver _his_ watch will keep + On the night-dark track, that he will not fail. + So the thud, thud, thud of wheel upon rail + The hiss of steam-spurts athwart the dark. + Lull them to confident drowsiness. Hark! + + What is that sound? 'Tis the stertorous breath + Of a slumbering man,--and it smacks of death! + Full sixteen hours of continuous toil + Midst the fume of sulphur, the reek of oil, + Have told their tale on the man's tired brain, + And Death is in charge of the clattering train! + + Sleep--Death's brother, as poets deem, + Stealeth soft to his side; a dream + Of home and rest on his spirit creeps, + That wearied man, as the engine leaps, + Throbbing, swaying along the line; + Those poppy-fingers his head incline + Lower, lower, in slumber's trance; + The shadows fleet, and the gas-gleams dance + Faster, faster in mazy flight, + As the engine flashes across the night. + Mortal muscle and human nerve + Cheap to purchase, and stout to serve. + Strained _too_ fiercely will faint and swerve. + Over-weighted, and underpaid, + This human tool of exploiting Trade, + Though tougher than leather, tenser than steel. + Fails at last, for his senses reel, + His nerves collapse, and, with sleep-sealed eyes, + Prone and helpless a log he lies! + A hundred hearts beat placidly on, + Unwitting they that their warder's gone; + A hundred lips are babbling blithe, + Some seconds hence they in pain may writhe. + For the pace is hot, and the points are near, + And Sleep hath deadened the driver's ear; + And signals flash through the night in vain. + Death is in charge of the clattering train! + + * * * * * + +"WHAT TO DO WITH OUR GIRLS." (_Paterfamilias's answer_.)--Give them +away! (Matrimonially, of course.) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DEATH AND HIS BROTHER SLEEP."--Shelley. + +(_See Major Marindin's Report to the Board of Trade on the Railway +Collision near Eastleigh._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE CAUSE" AND THE EFFECT. + +Mr. ---- moved, "That this Mass-meeting pledges itself to support the +efforts of Messrs. ---- & Co.'s men, by joining the Union, and further +pledges itself to take all legal efforts to prevent anyone obtaining a +job there so long as the dispute lasts." The resolution was carried by +acclamation. + +_Coroner_. How is it the child's father cannot get work? _Witness_. +Because he has no Union card. _Coroner_. Then if men do not belong +to the different Trades Unions they must starve.--_Coroner's Inquest +Report_.] + + * * * * * + +ALL VERY VINE! + +(_WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO THE WHITE KNIGHT IN "THROUGH THE +LOOKING-GLASS."_) + + ["One of the most interesting exhibits (at the Royal + Horticultural Society's Grape and Dahlia Show at Chiswick) + were clusters of grapes with the scent and taste of + strawberries and raspberries, as grown in Transatlantic + hothouses."--_Daily Paper_.] + + I'll tell thee everything I can; + There's little to relate: + I met a simple citizen + Of some "United State." + "Who are you, simple man?" I said, + "And how is it you live?" + And his answer seemed quite 'cute from one + So shy and sensitive. + + He said, "I make electric cats + That prowl upon the leads, + To prey upon the brutes who raise + Mad music o'er our heads. + I also make all sorts of things + Which much convenience give; + In fact, I'm an inventor spry, + And that is how I live. + + "And I am thinking of a plan + For artificial hens, + And automatic dairy-maids, + And self-propelling pens." + "Such things are stale," I made reply, + "They're old, and flat, and thin. + Tell me the last thing in your pate, + Or I will cave it in!" + + His accents mild took up the tale: + He said, "I've tried to make + A sirloin out of turnips, and + A vegetable steak." + I shook him well, from side to side, + To stimulate his brain; + "You've got some newer dodge," I cried, + "And that you must explain." + + He said, "I always willingly + Do anything to please. + What do you say to growing grapes + That taste like strawberr-ees! + They're showing off at Chiswick now, + As I a sinner am, + Some big black Hamburgs which, when pressed, + Taste just like raspberry jam." + + So now whene'er I drink a glass + Of wine that seems like rum, + Or peel myself an orange that + Reminds me of a plum, + Or if I come across a peach + With flavour like a bilberry, + I weep, for it reminds me so + Of Chiswick's Grape and Dahlia Show, + And that 'cute man I used to know, + Who could at will transform a sloe + Into a thing with the aro- + -ma of all fruits known here below, + From apricot to mulberry. + + * * * * * + +NATIVE GROWTH. + +According to a case about oysters--instead of a case, it ought to have +been a barrel--heard before Mr. Alderman WILKIN,--and as the case may +be still _sub-Aldermanice_, we have nothing to say as to its merits +or demerits,--it appears, that in September, 1889, the price of Royal +Whitstable Natives was 14s. per 100; i.e., 1s. 3d. for a baker's dozen +of thirteen. Though why a baker should be allowed "a little one in," +be it oysters or anything else, only Heaven and the erudite Editor of +_Notes and Queries_ know. But, without further allusion to the baker, +who has just dropped in accidentally as he did into the conversation +between _Mrs. Bardell_ and _Mrs. Cluppins_, when _Sam Weller_ +joined in, and they all "got a talking," it is enough to make any +oyster-lover's mouth water--no doubt the worthy Alderman's did +water,--did water "like WILKIN!"--to hear that while everybody, +including the worthy Alderman aforesaid, was paying 2s. 6d., and 3s., +and even 3s. 6d. for real Natives, some people were gratifying their +molluscous tastes at the small charge of One Shilling and Threepence +for thirteen, or were getting six oysters and a half--the half be +demm'd--for sixpence. Long time is it since we paid 1s. 3d. for Real +Royal Natives. They may have left Whitstable at that price, but they +never came to our Wits' Table at anything like that figure. Still, +to the truly Christian mind it is pleasant, if not consoling, to know +that some of our fellow-creatures, not generally so well-favoured +as ourselves, should have been able to take advantage of the most +favoured Native clause in the Oyster Season of 1889. + +*** By the way, in answer to a Correspondent, who signs himself "AN +ARTFUL DREDGER, WHO WISHES TO LIVE OUT OF TOWN," we beg to inform him +that "Beds" is _not_ a county specially celebrated for oysters. + + * * * * * + +BREAKING A _RECORD_ ON A WHEEL! + + Break, break, break! + On thy "Safety" swift, oh, "crack!" + And I would that my tongue could utter + My thoughts on the cyclist's track. + + Oh, well for MECREDY, the "bhoy," + That "records" for him won't stay; + And well for OSMOND and WOOD + That they break them every day. + + And the "Safeties" still improve, + And their riders develope more skill; + And it's oh! for the records of yesterday! + To-morrow they'll all be nil! + + Break! break! break! + On thy wheels, oh, S.B.C.! + But the grace of KEITH FALCONER, CORTIS, and KEEN, + Will they ever come back to me? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHIC PEST.] + + * * * * * + +LOST HAIRS-AT-LAW. + +"SEQUEL to a Breach of Promise Case" is the heading to a paragraph +in the _Daily Telegraph_, recording how _Turner_ v. _Avant_ was heard +before Mr. Commissioner KERR, who adjourned the case for three weeks, +because, as Mr. AGABEG, the Counsel for the Plaintiff, observed, +without agabegging the question, they couldn't get any information +essential to the proceedings as to the whereabouts of the Miss HAIRS, +who, after failing in her action against Sir GEORGE ELLIOTT, M.P., +gave up minding her own business, which she sold, and retired to the +Continent; and Plaintiffs also wanted to know the present address of +a certain, or uncertain, Mr. HOLLAND, somewhile Secretary to the Avant +Company. Odd this. Not find Hairs in September! Cry "_En Avant_!" +and let loose the harriers!--a suggestion that might have been +appropriately made by the Commissioner whose name alone, with respect +be it said, should qualify him for the Chief Magistracy in the Isle of +Dogs. In the meantime the Plaintiffs have three weeks' adjournment in +order to search the maps and find HOLLAND. + + * * * * * + +TITLED MONTHS.--In the list given by the _Figaro_ of those present at +Cardinal LAVIGERIE'S great anti-slavery function at Saint Sulpice was +"_un ancien ministre plenipotentiare le Baron d'Avril._" What a set +of new titles this suggests for any creation, of new Peers in England! +Duke of DECEMBER! Earl of FEBRUARY! Of course, the nearest title +to Baron D'AVRIL with us is the Earl of MARCH. The Marquis of MAY +sounds nice; Lord AUGUST, Baron JULY; and, should a certain eminent +ecclesiastical lawyer ever become a Law Lord, there will be yet +another British cousin to Baron d'AVRIL and the Earl of MARCH in--Lord +JEUNE. + + * * * * * + +NO MORE LAW OFFICERS!--"An Automatic Recorder on the Forth Bridge" +was a heading to a paragraph in the _St. James's_ last Saturday. The +announcement must have startled Sir THOMAS CHAMBERS, Q.C. Heavens! +If there is one Automatic Recorder in the North, why not another in +the South? Automatic Recorders would be followed by Automatic Common +Serjeants, and--Isn't it too awful! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RATHER A LARGE ORDER. + +_The Herr Professor_. "ACH--BEST MISS ROSY, VILL YOU KINDLY TURN ME +OVER!"] + + * * * * * + +LOOKING FORWARD. + +(_EXTRACT FROM "THE DAILY PRIZE-FIGHTER," SEPTEMBER 24, 1900._) + +Yesterday morning LOO BOBBETT and BEN MOUSETRAP had an interview +with Mr. PHEASANT, the Magistrate presiding in the North-West London +Police Court. The approaches to the Court were crowded from an early +hour. Amongst those in the street we noticed BILLY BLOWFROTH, and SAM +SNEEZER, the well-known pot-boys from "The Glove and Wadding" and +"The Tap o'Claret" Hotels, SHINY MOSES, AARON ISAACS, and SANDY the +Sossidge (so-called by his friends on account of his appearance), +the celebrated bankers from the West-end of Whitechapel, and a large +gathering of the _elite_ of the Lambeth Road. Inside the Court the +company was, if possible, even more select. Mr. TITAN CHAPEL, the +proprietor of the Featherbed Club, was the first to arrive in his +private brougham, and he was followed at short intervals by the Earl +of ARRIEMORE, Lord TRIMI GLOVESON, Mr. TOOWITH YEW, Mr. BRANDIC OHLD, +Mr. SPLITTS ODER, Mr. GINCOCK TALE, and Mr. ANGUS TEWBER, with a heap +more of the best known patrons of sport in the Metropolis. Little +time was cut to waste in the preliminaries, and it was generally +acknowledged at the end of the day that no prettier set-to had been +witnessed for a long time than that which took place at the North-West +London Police Court. We append below some of the more salient portions +of the evidence. + +_Inspector Chizzlem_. I produce a pair of gloves ordinarily used at +London boxing matches. [_Produces them from his waistcoat pocket._ + +_Mr. Pheasant_ (_the Magistrate_). Pardon me. I don't quite +understand. Were the gloves that you produce to be used at this +particular competition? + +_Inspector Chizzlem_. No, your Worship. These are one ounce +gloves. The gloves with which these men were to fight are known as +"feather-weight" gloves. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Ah, I see. Feather-weight, not feather-bed, I presume. +(_Loud Laughter, in which both the accused joined._) Have you the +actual gloves with you? + +_Mr. Titan Chapel_ (_from the Solicitor's table_). I have brought +them, Sir. Here--dear me, what can I have done with them? I thought +I had them somewhere about me. (_Pats his various pockets. A thought +strikes him. He pulls out his watch_.) Ah, of course, how foolish of +me! I generally carry them in my watch-case. + + [_Opens watch, produces them, and hands them up to Magistrate_. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Dear me!--so these are gloves. I know I am +inexperienced in these matters, but they look to me rather like +elastic bands. (_Roars of laughter. Mr. PHEASANT tries them on._) +However, they teem to fit very nicely. Yes, who is the next witness? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_ (_entering the witness-box_). I am, my noble +sportsman. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Who are you? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_. ARRIEMORE'S my name, yer Washup, wich I'm a +bloomin' Lord. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Of course--of course. Now tell me, have you ever boxed +at all yourself? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_. Never, thwulp me, never! But I like to set +the lads on to do a bit of millin' for me. + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Quite so. Very right and proper. What do you say to +the gloves produced by the inspector? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_. Call _them_ gloves? Why, I calls 'em +woolsacks, that's what I calls 'em. [_Much laughter._ + +_Mr. Pheasant_. No doubt, that would be so. But now with regard to +these other gloves, do you say they would be calculated to deaden the +force of a blow; in fact, to prevent such a contest from degenerating +into a merely brutal exhibition, and to make it, as I understand it +ought to be, a contest of pure skill? + +_The Earl of Arriemore_. That's just it. Why, two babbies might box +with them gloves and do themselves no harm. And, as to skill, why it +wants a lot of skill to hit with 'em at all. + + [_Winks at Lord TRIMI GLOVESON, who winks back._ + +_Mr. Pheasant_. Really? That is very interesting, very interesting +indeed! I think perhaps the best plan will be for the two +principals to accompany me into my private room, to give a practical +exemplification of the manner in which such a contest is generally +conducted. (_At this point the learned Magistrate retired from the +Bench, and was followed into his private room by LOO BOBBETT. BEN +MOUSETRAP, and their Seconds. After an hour's interval, Mr. PHEASANT +returned to the Bench alone_.) I will give my decision at once. The +prize must be handed over to Mr. MOUSETRAP. That last cross-counter +of his fairly settled Mr. BOBBETT. I held the watch myself, and I +know that he lay on the ground stunned for a full minute. (_To the_ +Usher.) Send the Divisional Surgeon into my room at once, and fetch an +ambulance. The Court will now adjourn. + + [_Loud applause, which was instantly suppressed._ + +_Mr. Pheasant_ (_sternly_).> This Court is not a Prize-Ring. + + * * * * * + +"A STRUGGLE FOR LIFE" AT THE AVENUE. + +[Illustration: Alexander the Less and the preux Chevalier.] + +First of all, the title of the piece is against it. _The Struggle for +Life_ suggests to the general British Public, unacquainted with the +name of DAUDET, a melodrama of the type of _Drink_, in which a variety +of characters should be engaged in the great struggle for existence. +It is suggestive of strikes, the great struggle between Labour and +Capital, between class and class, between principal and interest, +between those with moral principles and those without them. It +is suggestive of the very climax of melodramatic sensation, and, +being suggestive of all this to the majority, the majority will be +disappointed when it doesn't get all that this very responsible +title has led them to expect. Those who know the French novel will +be dissatisfied with the English adaptation of it, filtered, as it +has been, through a French dramatic version of the story. So much +for the title. For the play itself, as given by Messrs. BUCHANAN +and HORNER,--the latter of whom, true to ancestral tradition, will +have his finger in the pie,--it is but an ordinary drama, strongly +reminding a public which knows its DICKENS of the story of _Little +Em'ly_, with _Vaillant_ for _Old Peggotty_, _Lydie_ for _Little +Em'ly_, _Antonin Caussade_ for _Ham_, and _Paul Astier_ for +_Steerforth_. Perhaps it would be carrying the resemblance too far to +see in _Rosa Dartle_, with her scorn For "that sort of creature," the +germ of _Esther de Seleny_. Mix this with a situation from _Le Monde +ou l'on s'ennuie_, spoilt in the mixing, and there's the drama. + +[Illustration: The Avenger.] + +For the acting--it is admirable. Miss GENEVIEVE WARD is superb as +_Madame Paul Astier_, and it is not her fault, but the misfortune +of the part, that the wife of _Paul_ is a woman old enough to be his +mother, with whose sufferings--with her eyes wide open, having married +a man of whose worthlessness she was aware,--it is impossible to feel +very much sympathy. She is old enough to have known better. Mr. GEORGE +ALEXANDER'S performance of the scoundrel _Paul_ leaves little to be +desired, but he must struggle for dear life against his--of course, +unconscious--imitation of HENRY IRVING. Shut your eyes to the facts, +occasionally, especially in the death-scene, and it is the voice of +IRVING; open them, and it is ALEXANDER agonising. No one can care for +the fine lady, statuesquely impersonated by Miss ALMA STANLEY, who +yields as easily to _Paul's_ seductive wooing as does _Lady Anne_ +to _Richard the Third_. After Miss WARD and Mr. ALEXANDER, the best +performance is that of Miss GRAVES as _Little Em'ly Lydie_, and of Mr. +FREDERICK KERR as _Antonin Ham Caussade_,--the last-named enlisting +the genuine sympathy of the audience for a character which, in less +able hands, might have bordered on the grotesque. The comic parts +have simply been made bores by the adapters, and are not suited to the +farcical couple, Miss KATE PHILLIPS and Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, who are +cast for them. If this play is to struggle successfully for life, the +weakest, that is, the comic element, should at once go to the wall, +and the fittest alone, that is, the tragic, should survive. Also, +as the play begins at the convenient hour of 8.45, it should end +punctually at eleven. The only realistic scene is in _Paul Astier's_ +room, when he is dressing for dinner, and washes his hands with real +soap, uses real towels, and puts real studs and links into his shirt, +and then suddenly reminded, as it were, by a titter which pervades +the house, that there are "ladies present," he disappears for a few +seconds, and returns in his evening-dress trowsers and nice clean +shirt, looking, except for the absence of braces, like a certain +well-known haberdasher's pictorial advertisement. It is vastly to the +credit of the management that all the articles of _Paul's_ toilet, +including Soap(!!), are not turned to pecuniary advantage in the +advertisements on the programmes. But isn't it a chance lost in _The +Struggle for Life_ at the Avenue? + + * * * * * + +CITY VESTRIES AND CITY BENEFACTIONS. + +I have lately had the distinguished honour conferred upon me of being +unanimously elected a Vestryman of the important Parish of Saint +Michael-Shear-the-Hog, which I need hardly say is situate in the +ancient and renowned City of London. I owe my election I believe, to +the undoubted fact that I am what is called--I scarcely know why--a +tooth-and-nail Conservative, no one of anything approaching to +Radicalism being ever allowed to enter within the sacred precincts +of our very select Body. Our number is small, but, I am informed, we +represent the very pick of the Parish, and we have confided to us +the somewhat desperate task of defending the funds entrusted to us, +centuries ago, from the fierce attack of Commissioners with almost +unlimited powers, but with little or no sympathy with the sacred +wishes of deceased Parishioners. + +Our contention is that wherever, from circumstances that our pious +ancestors could not have foreseen, it has become simply impossible to +carry out literally their instructions, the funds should be applied +to strictly analogous purposes. For instance, now in a neighbouring +Parish, I am not quite sure whether it is St. Margaret Moses, or +St. Peter the Queer, a considerable sum was bequeathed by a pious +parishioner in the reign of Queen MARY, of blessed memory, the income +from which was to be applied to the purchasing of faggots for the +burning of heretics, which it was probably considered would be a +considerable saving to the funds of the Parish in question. At the +present time, as we all know, although there are doubtless plenty of +heretics, it has ceased to be the custom to burn them, so the bequest +cannot be applied in accordance with the wishes of the pious founder. +The important question therefore arises, how should the bequest be +applied? Would it be believed that men are to be found, and men having +authority, more's the pity, who can recommend its application to the +education of the poor, to the providing of convalescent hospitals, or +even the preservation of open spaces for the healthful enjoyment of +the masses of the Metropolis! Yet such is the sad fact. My Vestry, +I am proud to say, are unanimously of opinion that, in such a case +as I have described, common sense and common justice would dictate +that, as the intentions of the pious founder cannot be applied to the +punishment of vice, it should be devoted to the reward of virtue, and +this would be best accomplished by expending the fund in question in +an annual banquet to those Vestrymen who attended the most assiduously +to the arduous duties of their important office. JOSEPH GREENHORN. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER TERC-ISH ATROCITY. + +(_BY A SCEPTICAL SUFFERER._) + + [An Austrian physician, Dr. TERC, prescribes bee-stings as a + cure for rheumatism!] + + How cloth the little Busy Bee + Insert his poisoned stings, + And kill the keen rheumatic pain + That mortal muscle wrings! + + Great Scott! It sounds so like a sell! + Bee-stings for rheumatiz? + As well try wasps to make one well. + That TERC must be a quiz. + + Rather would I rheumatics bear + Than try the Busy Bee. + No, Austrian TERC, your cure _may_ work! + But won't he tried on _me_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +"IL IRA LOIN."--Great day for England in general, and for London in +particular, when AUGUSTUS GLOSSOP HARRIS,--the "Gloss-op"-portunely +appears nothing without the gloss up-on him,--popularly known by +the title of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, rode to the Embankment with +his trumpeters,--it being _infra dig._ to be seen blowing one +himself,--with his beautiful banners, and his footmen all in +State liveries designed by LEWIS LE GRAND WINGFIELD, he himself +(DRURIOLANUS, not LEWIS LE GRAND) being seated in his gorgeous new +carriage; Sheriff FARMER, too, equally gorgeous, and equally new, but +neither so grand nor so great as DRURIOLANUS The Magnificent. Then +followed "the quaint ceremony of admission." Not "Free Admission," by +any means, for no man can be a Sheriff of London for nothing. There +were loud cheers, and a big Lunch. _Ave Caesar!_ + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, October 4, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12306.txt or 12306.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/3/0/12306/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Punch, or the London Charivari, William +Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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