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diff --git a/old/12294.txt b/old/12294.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac06403 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12294.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2185 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +January 7, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, January 7, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 7, 2004 [EBook #12294] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, NO. 146 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +JANUARY 7, 1914. + + + + +[Illustration: "THE MONARCH OF THE GLEN:" A NEW _LAND-SEER_.] + + * * * * * + +_AMENDE DESHONORABLE_. + + Heavily dragged the night; the Year + Was passing, and the clock's slow tick + Boomed its sad message to my ear + And made me pretty sick. + "You have been slack," I told myself, "and weak; + You have done foolishly, from wilful choice; + Sloth and procrastination--" Here my voice + Broke in a squeak. + + And deep repentance welled in me + As I mused darkly on my sin; + Yea, Conscience stung me, like a bee + That gets her barb well in. + "Next year," I swore, in this compunctious mood, + "I will be energetic, virtuous, kind; + Unflinching I will face the awful grind + Of being good." + + I paused, half troubled by a thought-- + Were my proposals too sublime? + Vowed I more deeply than I ought? + I glanced to see the time. + It was 12.10 A.M. At once a thrill, + A wave of manful resolution, sped + Through all my being. "Yes," I bravely said; + "_Next_ year I will!" + + * * * * * + +A PLAY OF FEATURES. + + [Being Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER'S production of _The Attack_ at + the St. James's.] + +SCENE--Alexandre Merital's _house_. + + +ACT I. + + +_Daniel Merital_. My father is a wonderful man. Leader of the Social +Party in the Chamber of Deputies, noted among his colleagues for his +absolute integrity, supported by the millionaire newspaper proprietor, +Frepeau, whose motives, between ourselves, are not altogether above-- +Oh, are you there, Father? I didn't see you. I'm just off to play +tennis. [_Exit_. + +_Enter_ Renee de Rould. + +_Renee_. Mr. Merital, may I speak to you a moment? + +_Georges Alexandre Merital (with, characteristic suavity_). Certainly. + +_Renee_, I love you. Will you marry me? + +_Merital (surprised_). Well, really--this is--I--you--we--er, he, +she, they--Frankly, you embarrass me. (_Apologetically_) This is my +embarrassed face. + +_Renee_. But I thought you loved me. Don't you? + +_Merital_. No. That is to say, yes. Or rather-- + +_Renee (tearfully_). I w-wish you could make it plainer whether you +d-do love me and are pretending you don't, or you d-don't love me and +are pretending you do. It's v-very unsettling for a young girl not to +know. + +_Sir GEORGES ALEXANDRE (surprised and a little hurt_). Can't you tell +from my face? + +_Miss MARTHA HEDMAN_. This is my first appearance in England, Sir +GEORGES. + +_Sir GEORGES_. True. I was forgetting. Well, when you have been with +us a little longer, you will know that this is my face when I adore +anyone very much, but, owing to an unfortunate episode in my past +life, am forced to hide my love. + +_Renee (alarmed_). Your past _wife_ isn't alive somewhere? + +_Merital_. Oh no, not that sort of thing at all. (_Embracing her +carefully_.) I will marry you, Renee, but run along now because my +friend Frepeau is coming, and he probably wants to talk business. + [_Exit_ Renee. + +_Enter_ Frepeau. + +_Frepeau (excitedly_). Merital, you are in danger. A scandalous libel +is being circulated about you. + +_Merital (calmly_). Pooh! Faugh! + +_Frepeau_. It is said that thirty years ago (Alexandre's _nose +twitches_), when you were in a solicitor's office (Alexandre's _jaw +drops_), you stole ninepence from the stamp drawer (Alexandre's +_eyeballs roll_). Of course it is a lie? + +_Merital (with a great effort obtaining command of his features +again_). Of course. + +CURTAIN. + + +ACT II. + + +_Daniel Merital_. Father's face has been very odd these last few +weeks. Sometimes I wonder whether he didn't steal the money after all. +But we shall know after the libel action this afternoon. It starts +at two. Oh, are you there, Father? I'm just going to see a man about +something. [_Exit. + +Enter_ Frepeau. + +_Merital_. Ah, Frepeau, the man I wanted to see. (_Plaintively_) +Frepeau, when you called on me in the First Act, don't you think you +might have given some indication by the play of your features that it +was _you_ who originated this libel against me, and that you are my +deadly enemy? The merest twitch of the ears would have been enough. + +_HOLMAN CLARK_. I wanted it to be a surprise for the audience. + +_Sir GEORGES_. Yes, but is that art? + +_HOLMAN CLARK_. Besides, in real life-- + +_Sir GEORGES (amazed_). Real life? Good Heavens, HOLMAN, is this +_your_ first appearance in England too? + +_HOLMAN CLARK (annoyed_). Let's get on with the play. + +_Sir GEORGES_. Certainly. Wait a moment till I've got my +"strong-man-with-his-back-to-the-wall" expression. (_Arranging his +face_.) How's that? + +_HOLMAN CLARK_. Begin again.... That's better. + +_Merital (sternly_). Now then, Frepeau! I must ask you to give +instructions that the libel is withdrawn in court this afternoon. If +not-- + +_Frepeau_. Well? + +_Merital (softly_). I know somebody else who stole something from the +stamp drawer thirty years ago. (Frepeau's _whiskers tremble_.) Aha, I +thought I'd move you this time. + +_Frepeau_. It's a lie! How did you find out? + +_Merital (blandly_). I said to myself, "I am the hero of this play and +I've got to get out of this mess somehow. If I could only find some +papers incriminating the villain--that's you all would be well." So +I--er--found them.... It's no good, Frepeau. Unless you let me off, +you're done. + +_Frepeau (getting up_). Well, I suppose I must. But personally I'd be +ashamed to escape through such a rotten coincidence as that. (_Making +for the door_.) I'll just go and arrange it. Er, I suppose this is the +end? + +_Sir GEORGES_. The end? Good Heavens, man, I've got my big scene to +come. I have to explain _why_ Merital stole the money thirty years +ago! + +_HOLMAN CLARK (eagerly_). Let me guess. His wife was starv-- + +_SIR GEORGES_. No, no, don't spoil it. (_Sternly_) It's a very serious +thing, HOLMAN, to spoil an actor-manager's big scene. + +CURTAIN. + + +ACT III. + + +_Daniel Merital_. Father has won his case. I _am_ glad. Oh, are you +there, Father? I'm just going downstairs to count the telegrams. + [_Exit. + +Enter_ Renee. + +_Renee_. You have won the case? I knew it. I knew you were innocent. + +_Merital (nobly_). Renee, I am not innocent. I did steal that +ninepence. I would have confessed it before, but I had to think of my +family. (_Cheers from the gallery_.) Of course it would also have been +unpleasant for _me_ if it had been known, but that did not influence +me. (_More cheers_.) I thought only of my children. Let me tell you +now _why_ I stole it. + +_Renee (eagerly_). Let me guess. Your wife was starving-- + +_Merital (astounded_). Wonderful! How ever did you know? + +_Renee_. --and you meant to repay the money. + +_Merital_. More and more marvellous. Yes, Renee, that was how it was. +But it hardly does justice to the affair. It is too short. I want to +tell you the story of my _whole_ life and then you will understand. +Watch my face carefully and observe how it works; notice the constant +movement of my hands; listen to the inflections of my voice. This is +going to be the longest speech ever made by an actor-manager, and you +mustn't miss a moment of it. H'r'm! Now then. (_Nobly_) I was born +fifty-three years ago. My father.... + +_Renee (half-an-hour later_). I still love you. + +_Merital (with some truth_). What a love yours is! + +_Enter_ Daniel, Julien _and_ Georgette Merital. + +_Daniel_. Father, we have a confession to make. For some time we +doubted your innocence. Your face--well, you'd have doubted it +yourself if you'd seen it. + +_Merital (taking his hand affectionately_). Ah! Daniel, I see I must +tell you the story of my life. (_Excitement among the audience_.) And +you too, Julien. (_Panic_.) Yes, and--little Georgette! + + +SAFETY CURTAIN. + +A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE EARTHLY PARADISE. + +_Coster_. "SEE THAT, LIZ? THERE'S A COUNTRY FOR YOU!"] + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: PEACEFUL PERSUASION. + +(JONES IS NOT NATURALLY A GENEROUS MAN.)] + + * * * * * + +THE ROMANCE OF A BATTLESHIP. + +_(From the Navy League Annual of 1916.)_ + +I have just returned (writes a Naval correspondent) from an +interesting visit to the condemned battleship, _H.M.S. Indefensible_, +which is now anchored off Brightlingsea, in the charge of retired +petty-officer Herbert Tompkins and his wife. + +The history of _H.M.S. Indefensible_, as gathered from the lips of her +present curator, is so romantic as to be worthy of permanent record. +In reply to my first question, "Whom did she belong to first of +all?" Mr. Tompkins said, "Well, she was ordered first of all by the +Argentine Republic, but, owing to a change of Government, they sold +her to the Italians. I remember the launch at Barrow quite well," he +said. "It was a mighty fine show, with the Italian Ambassador and his +wife--the _Magnifico Pomposo_, they called her, I think it was--and +there was speechifying and hurraying and enough champagne drunk to +float her. That was just three years ago: a super-Dreadnought, they +called her." + +"Then how did the British Government get her?" + +"Lor bless you, Sir, that didn't come for a long time yet. Ye see, +Italy shortly afterwards made an alliance with Denmark, and, wishing +to do the Danes a good turn, she arranged to sell them the _Magnifico +Pomposo_ at cost price--about three millions I think it was. But +immediately afterwards the Russo-Chinese war broke out, and the +Chinese offered the Danes four millions for the _Dannebrog_, as they +had called her, so by the time the engines were put into her she had +been rechristened the _Hoang-Ho_. But the war never came off: you +remember that Mr. ROOSEVELT settled it by fighting a single combat +with the Russian champion after he had been appointed President of +China; so the Chinese leased the _Hoang-Ho_ to the King of SIAM for +four years at a million a year." + +"Did she get out to Siam, then?" + +"Oh no, Sir, no fear. The crew ran her on the Goodwin Sands on her +trial trip, and there she stuck for a year. Before they got her +off the Siamese had been released from their bargain by the Hague +Tribunal, Mr. ROOSEVELT had resigned the Presidency of China for that +of Mexico, and the new President sold the _Chulalongkorn_ back to +Great Britain. Of course by that time she was quite obsolete, so they +called her the _Indefensible_, and put a nucleus crew on board for +a few months. Then when Mr. LLOYD GEORGE became Prime Minister, they +offered her to Canada as a gift; but the Canadians didn't like her +name. And when Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL came back last month he decided +that she was to be made a target; but last week I heard she was to be +sold for scrap-iron." + +"Then whom does she belong to now?" + +"Well, Sir, some says she belongs to Canada, and others say she's +British, and others say she belongs to Mr. CHURCHILL, but in a manner +of speaking I think she rightly belongs to Mrs. Tompkins and me." + + * * * * * + + "On making enquiries at the Hospital this afternoon, we learn + that the deceased is as well as can be expected."--_Jersey + Evening Post_. + +It would, of course, be foolish to expect much. + + * * * * * + +A NEW BOOK OF BEAUTY. + +A hundred years ago they had line, engravings by CHARLES HEATH, and +the long-necked, ringleted ladies looked wistfully or simperingly at +you. I have several examples: _Caskets, Albums, Keepsakes_. + +This book is different. The steel engravers have long since all died +of starvation; and here are photographs only, but there are many +more of them, and (strange innovation!) there are more gentlemen than +ladies. For this preponderance there is a good commercial reason, as +any student of the work will quickly discover, for we are now entering +a sphere of life where the beauty of the sterner sex (if so severe a +word can be applied to such sublimation of everything that is soft and +voluptuous and endearing) is more considered than that of the other. +Beautiful ladies are here in some profusion, but the first place is +for beautiful and guinea-earning gentlemen. + +In the old Books of Beauty one could make a choice. There was always +one lady supremely longer-necked, more wistful or more simpering than +the others. But in this new Book of Beauty one turns the pages only to +be more perplexed. The embarrassment of riches is too embarrassing. I +have been through the work a score of times and am still wondering on +whom my affections and admiration are most firmly fixed. + +This new Book of Beauty has a very different title from the old ones. +It is called _The Pekingese_, and is the revised edition for 1914. + +How to play the part of _Paris_ where all the competitors have some +irresistibility, as all have of either sex! Once I thought that Wee Mo +of Westwood was my heart's chiefest delight, "a flame-red little dog +with black mask and ear-fringes, profuse coat and featherings, flat +wide skull, short flat face, short bowed legs and well-shaped +body." But then I turned back to Broadoak Beetle and on to Broadoak +Cirawanzi, and Young Beetle, and Nanking Fo, and Ta Fo of Greystones, +and Petshe Ah Wei, and Hay Ch'ah of Toddington, and that superb +Sultanic creature, King Rudolph of Ruritania, and Champion Howbury +Ming, and Su Eh of Newnham, and King Beetle of Minden, and Champion Hu +Hi, and Mo Sho, and that rich red dog, Buddha of Burford. And having +chosen these I might just as well scratch out their names and write in +others, for every male face in this book is a poem. + +The ladies, as I have said, are in the minority, for obvious reasons, +for these little disdainful distinguished gentlemen figure here as +potential fathers, with their fees somewhat indelicately named; for +there's a husbandry on earth as well as in heaven. + +Such ladies as are here are here for their beauty alone and are beyond +or below price. Their favours are not to be bought. Among them I note +with especial joy Yiptse of Chinatown, Mandarin Marvel, who "inherits +the beautiful front of her sire, Broadoak Beetle"; Lavender of +Burton-on-Dee, "fawn with black mask"; Chi-Fa of Alderbourne, "a most +charming and devoted little companion"; Yeng Loo of Ipsley; Detlong +Mo-li of Alderburne, one of the "beautiful red daughters of Wong-ti of +Alderburne," Champion Chaou Ching-ur, of whom her owner says that +"in quaintness and individuality and in loving disposition she is +unequalled" and is also "quite a 'woman of the world,' very _blasee_ +and also very punctilious in trifles;" Pearl of Cotehele, "bright red +with beautiful back"; E-Wo Tu T'su; Berylune Tzu Hsi Chu; Ko-ki of +Radbourne and Siddington Fi-fi. + +Every now and then there is an article in the papers asking and +answering the question, What is the greatest benefit that has come to +mankind in the past half century? The answer is usually the Marconi +system, or the cinema, or the pianola, or the turbine, or the Roentgen +rays, or the telephone or the motor car. Always something utilitarian +or scientific. But why should we not say that it was the introduction +of Pekingese into England from China? According to an historical +sketch at the beginning of this book, the first Pekingese were brought +over in 1860, after the occupation of Pekin by the Allies. The first +black ones came here in 1896, and now in 1914 there are thousands of +these wholly alluring and adorable and masterful little big-hearted +creatures in England, turning staid men and women into ecstatic +worshippers and making children lyrical with cries of appreciation. +The book before me is the finest monument yet raised to this +conquering breed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEW SEASON'S NOVELTIES. + +1. THE CAT'S-MEAT HAT-PIN PROTECTOR. + +2. THE MUD-SPLASH VEIL. + +3. THE THROAT CORSET.] + + * * * * * + +MISUNDERSTOOD. + +_(A Story of the Stone Age.)_ + +Of all the young bachelors in his tribe not one was more highly +esteemed than Ug, the son of Zug. He was one of the nicest young +prehistoric men that ever sprang seven feet into the air to avoid the +impulsive bite of a sabre-tooth tiger, or cheered the hearts of grave +elders searching for inter-tribal talent by his lightning sprints in +front of excitable mammoths. Everybody liked Ug, and it was a matter +of surprise to his friends that he had never married. + +One bright day, however, they were interested to observe that he +had begun to exhibit all the symptoms. He brooded apart. Twice in +succession he refused a second help of pterodactyl at the tribal +luncheon table. And there were those who claimed to have come upon him +laboriously writing poetry on the walls of distant caves. + +It should be understood that in those days only the most powerful +motive, such as a whole-hearted love, could drive a man to writing +poetry; for it was not the ridiculously simple task which it is +to-day. The alphabet had not yet been invented, and the only method by +which a young man could express himself was by carving or writing on +stone a series of pictures, each of which conveyed the sense of some +word or phrase. Thus, where the modern bard takes but a few seconds to +write, "You made me love you. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want +to do it," Ug, the son of Zug, had to sit up night after night till +he had carved three trees, a plesiosaurus, four kinds of fish, a +star-shaped rock, eleven different varieties of flowering shrub, and +a more or less lifelike representation of a mammoth surprised while +bathing. It is little wonder that the youth of the period, ever +impetuous, looked askance at this method of revealing their passion, +and preferred to give proof of their sincerity and fervour by waiting +for the lady of their affections behind a rock and stunning her with a +club. + +But the refined and sensitive nature of Ug, the son of Zug, shrank +from this brusque form of wooing. He was shy with women. To him there +was something a little coarse, almost ungentlemanly, in the orthodox +form of proposal; and he had made up his mind that, if ever he should +happen to fall in love, he would propose by ideograph. + +It was shortly after he had come to this decision that, at a +boy-and-girl dance given by a popular local hostess, he met the +divinest creature he had ever seen. Her name was Wug, the daughter of +Glug; and from the moment of their introduction he realised that she +was the one girl in the world for him. It only remained to compose the +ideograph. + +Having steadied himself as far as possible by carving a few poems, as +described above, he addressed himself to the really important task of +the proposal. + +It was extraordinarily difficult, for Ug had not had a very good +education. All he knew he had picked up in the give and take of tribal +life. For this reason he felt it would be better to keep the thing +short. But it was hard to condense all he felt into a brief note. +For a long time he thought in vain, then one night, as he tossed +sleeplessly on his bed of rocks, he came to a decision. He would +just ideograph, "Dear Wug, I love you. Yours faithfully, Ug. P.S. +R.S.V.P.," and leave it at that. So in the morning he got to work, and +by the end of the week the ideograph was completed. It consisted of +a rising sun, two cave-bears, a walrus, seventeen shin-bones of +the lesser rib-nosed baboon, a brontosaurus, three sand-eels, and +a pterodactyl devouring a mangold-wurzel. It was an uncommonly neat +piece of work, he considered, for one who had never attended an +art-school. He was pleased with it. It would, he flattered himself, be +a queer sort of girl who could stand out against that. For the first +time for weeks he slept soundly and peacefully. + +Next day his valet brought him with his morning beverage a piece of +flat rock. On it was carved a simple human thigh-bone. He uttered +a loud cry. She had rejected him. The parcel-post, an hour later, +brought him his own ideograph, returned without a word. + +Ug's greatest friend in the tribe was Jug, son of Mug, a youth of +extraordinary tact and intelligence. To him Ug took his trouble. + +Jug heard his story, and asked to see exactly what he had ideographed. + +"You must have expressed yourself badly," he said. + +"On the contrary," replied Ug, with some pique, "my proposal was +brief, but it was a model of what that sort of proposal should be. +Here it is. Read it for yourself." + +Jug read it. Then he looked at his friend, concerned. + +"But, my dear old man, what on earth did you mean by saying she has +red hair and that you hate the sight of her?" + +"What do you mean?" + +"Why, this ichthyosaurus." + +"That's not an ichthyosaurus. It's a brontosaurus." + +"It's not a bit like a brontosaurns. And it _is_ rather like an +ichthyosaurus. Where you went wrong was in not taking a few simple +lessons in this sort of thing first." + +"If you ask me," said Ug disgustedly, "this picture-writing is silly +rot. To-morrow I start an Alphabet." + * * * * * +But on the morrow he was otherwise employed. He was standing, +concealed behind a rock, at the mouth of the cave of Wug, daughter +of Glug. There was a dreamy look in his eyes, and his fingers +were clasped like steel bands round the handle of one of the most +business-like clubs the Stone Age had ever seen. Orthodoxy had found +another disciple. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_An Army Boxing Competition_. + +_Civilian_. "RATHER A FEARFUL MAN, THAT?" + +_Soldier_. "WELL, 'E AIN'T REALLY VERY FEARFUL. YOU SEE THE BIG +FELLOW'S 'IS SERGEANT AN' THIS IS THE ONLY CHANCE 'E 'AS OF GETTING A +BIT OF 'IS OWN BACK."] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is to undertake a new expedition to the South +Pole, and across the whole South Polar Continent. It is said that an +offer from Dr. COOK, who happens to be over here, to show Sir ERNEST +how he might save himself much wearisome travelling in achieving his +object, has been rejected. + + *** + +Judge PARRY declares, in the current number of _The Cornhill_, that +lost golf balls belong to the KING; and the ballroom at Buckingham +Palace is, we understand, to be enlarged at once. + + *** + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW is the latest addition to Madame TUSSAUD'S gallery +of wax-works. But Mr. CHESTERTON must not be jealous. He too, we +understand, will be placed there if room can be found for him. + + *** + +From some correspondence in _The Express_ we learn that members of +more than one savage tribe have a habit of standing on one leg. We see +no objection to this at all, but we were bound to protest the other +day, in a crowded train, when we came across a stout gentleman +standing on one foot. The foot, we should mention, was ours. + + *** + +Of the late Mr. JOHN WILLIAM WHITE, who was only twenty-one inches in +height, we are told that he was an ardent politician. Could he have +been a Little Englander? + + *** + +Straws show which way the wind blows, and the fact that the first +prize in the Christmas Lottery at Madrid has been won in Madrid, and +the second in London, is held by wiseacres to prove that there is a +secret understanding between our country and Spain. + + *** + +The fact that France's Colonial Empire, which is already extensive, +has been increased by the birth, during a volcanic eruption, of a +new island in the New Hebrides, has caused some little irritation in +Germany. + + *** + +The Lost Property department of Scotland Yard will, it is said, this +year easily beat all previous records in the number of articles lost. +But we English have always had the reputation of being good losers. + + *** + +It is announced that Miss PHYLLIS DESMOND, of the Gaiety Theatre, and +Mr. C.R. FINCH NOYES, of the Royal Naval Flying Corps, were married +secretly last June. As proving how difficult it is to keep a secret we +believe that the fact has been known for some time past both to Miss +DESMOND and Mr. NOYES. + + *** + +Special cinema productions depicting scenes of a sacred nature were +provided by enterprising managers for the clergy during the holiday +season. When one remembers that there is also _Who's the Lady?_ +running under distinguished episcopal patronage, the modern curate +cannot complain that he is not well catered for. + + *** + +We congratulate _The Daily Mail_ on finding a peculiarly appropriate +topic for discussion at Christmas time. It was "Too Much Cramming." + + *** + +Thieves broke into the vestry during the service and stole the gold +watch and chain which the minister preaching the Christmas sermon at +Marylebone Presbyterian church had left there. The minister must be +sorry now that he did not trust his congregation. + + *** + +Mr. GEORGE BAKER, of Brentwood, received a presentation the other day +on completing his fiftieth year as a carol singer. He mentioned that +once, at the beginning of his career, his carol party was broken up by +an angry London householder, who fired a pistol-shot from his bedroom +window. The modern Londoner, we fear, is decadent, and lacks the +necessary spirit. + + *** + +Dr. MARY WILLIAMS, medical inspector of schools under the +Worcestershire County Council, has discovered, as a result of +investigations, that there is a higher proportion of nervous, +excitable children among the red-haired ones than among the others. +We have ourselves known more than one such lad lose all self-control +merely upon being addressed as "Carrots." + + *** + +Is a motor-car, it is being asked, feminine--like a ship? A +correspondent in _The Times_ refers to her as a lady. Presumably +because she wears a bonnet. + + *** + +A correspondent writes to _The Pall Mall Gazette_ asking whether there +is anything in the idea that a large number of used penny postage +stamps will enable a person to be received into a charitable +institution. We have always understood that the collector of one +million of these stamps is admitted into a lunatic asylum without +having to pass the entrance examination. + + *** + +A lion from the bush, attracted by the roaring of its caged relatives +in a circus at Wankies, South Africa, suddenly made its way into the +menagerie. The beast was ultimately driven away by attendants armed +with red-hot pokers, but five persons were seriously injured in the +panic. The ticket-collector who let the animal in without payment has +been reprimanded. + + *** + +Speaking of MEDWIN'S _Revised Life of Shelley_ a critic says, in a +contemporary: "He puts the well-known boats of Archimedes into blank +verse." These boats were, we presume, fitted with ARCHIMEDES' famous +screw? + + *** + +The Hindujah barrage on the Euphrates has now been completed by an +English firm, and will provide water for the Garden of Eden. The +structure, we presume, is a blend of the ADAM style with NOAH'S +architecture. + + *** + +"TRAINING SHIP OFF THE EMBANKMENT" is a heading which attracts our +attention. This seems a much better idea than having the vessel _on_ +the Embankment, where it would be in everyone's way. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST STRAW. + + ["The way in which individual taste is allowed to assert + itself lends a curious charm to the present modes."--_Fashion + Note_.] + + This is the finish, Josephine. + Through every swift sartorial change + Constant and true my love has been, + Nor showed the least desire to range. + The hobble only brought to me + These thoughts with consolation laden:-- + "Lo, this is Fashion's fell decree; + One must not blame the maiden. + + "It is not hers this hideous choice; + She blindly follows Fashion's lead, + And deference to a ruling voice + Proclaims her just the wife I need. + Nought questioning, she answers to + That voice, as soldiers to a trumpet;" + And thus I choked the thought that you + Were barmy on the crumpet. + + But now unhappy doubts intrude + To bid my satisfaction shrink; + For Fashion in a gracious mood + Allows her devotees to think. + Since for your present garb, it seems, + The mode is not to blame _in toto_, + This is the end of love's young dreams + (Dear, you may keep my photo). + + * * * * * + + "Of course, there is a dress parade, with some wonderful + dresses, but if it had been only a parade it would not have + been less interesting."--_Daily News._ + +It would have been more interesting--but we hardly expected _The Daily +News_ to say so. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOLIDAY ENTERTAINERS. + +_Extract from Mr. Herbert Stodge's letter to his sister._ "WE WERE +GLAD TO HAVE OUR NEPHEW AND NIECE WITH US, BUT, FRANKLY, THEY ARE TOO +SOLEMN. + +"WE TOOK THEM TO THE PANTOMIME; + +THEY CAME OUT GOLFING WITH US; + +AND WE ALLOWED THEM TO SIT UP LATE, + +BUT THE ONLY TIME THEY SMILED WAS WHEN THEY SAID GOOD-BYE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT OUR LOCAL FANCY CARNIVAL. + +_Individual in Tights_. "I SAY, THIS PLACE IS BEASTLY WARM--I THINK +I'LL CUT OFF HOME." + +_The One with the Scythe_. "I THINK I WILL ALSO. I WONDER WHAT THE +TIME IS?"] + + * * * * * + +THE SUBSCRIPTION. + +Charles, when our protest was lodged, merely replied that our favour +of the 10th inst. was to hand, and that he really could not see his +way to moving further in the matter. Let me explain the present extent +of Charles's movement. + +Miss Donelan, who ought to have known better, had allowed herself to +be saddled with a thing called a Branch subscription list on behalf of +the St. Nicholas New Year Offering. + +Having exploited the probables and possibles she finally handed the +document on to me with instructions to tout it round among my friends. +(This is the sort of thing you get nowadays for placing your life at a +young woman's disposal.) + +Unfortunately I have no friends just now, except what I want to keep. +While I was thus at a loss, Charles came to stay for a few days three +doors off. He lives a long way away and would have time to forget +before I saw him again. So on the day before his departure I bearded +him like a man. + +"Charles," I began, "you are fabulously rich. Your income comes in at +such a pace that you hardly ever know within five shillings how much +you have at the bank." + +Charles blinked through the smoke of a violet-tipped cigarette. + +"What about it?" he asked. + +"This," I said; "I am, very reluctantly, offering you the chance of +doing good. All you have to do is to sign your name here for anything +up to a hundred pounds, and the good does itself. It is the Saint +Nicholas New Year Offering." + +"What does it do?" asked Charles uncomfortably. + +"Do?" I answered. "Why, I don't think it does exactly _do_. You see +it's a New Year Offering." + +"I see," said Charles. "It doesn't do; it offers. Just like a Member +of Parliament." + +"I wish," I said, "instead of being funny at other people's expense +you would be serious at your own, and tell me exactly how much I can +put you down for?" + +"There you go again," said Charles. "You want me to think of some +definite amount on the spot. You know I hate thinking, and I hate +definite amounts. And I loathe doing anything on the spot." + +I looked at the subscription list. The last entry was:-- + + Major-General R. Hewland, L5 5s. 0d. + +"You needn't do any thinking," I explained patiently. "You need only +stick down exactly the same as the last man. And if you'll promise to +do it I'll leave the list with you, and you can fill it in when you +feel sufficiently off the spot." + +"Exactly the same?" asked Charles. + +"Exactly," I said, with rising hopes. + +"All right," said Charles. "I'll let you have it some time." + +Four days later, at Miss Donelan's urgent request, I wrote to Charles +for it. It came in less than forty-eight hours. + +Extract from conclusion of subscription list returned by Charles:-- + +Major-General R. Hewland, L5 5s. 0d. + + " " " " " " " + + * * * * * + + DINNER-TABLE TOPICS. + + "MR. LLOYD GEORGE + GOING TO A WARMER CLIMATE." + + _Midland Evening News_. + + * * * * * + + ANOTHER ACCIDENT TO AN INFINITIVE. + + "It is good news to at last hear that progress is being made + again towards healing the 'split.'"--_Nottingham Football + Post_. + +So far not much progress is visible. + + * * * * * + + "Lord and Lady Arthur Hill arrived at Maples yesterday from + London."--_Observer_. + +And Mrs. and Miss Tomkins (in pursuit of bargains) continue to arrive +daily at Peter Snelbody's from Cricklewood. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPLENDID PAUPERS. + +FIRST TURKISH OFFICIAL (_presented with a photograph of the new +Turkish Navy in lieu of six months' deferred pay_). "SO, WE'VE GOT A +_DREADNOUGHT_, HAVE WE?" + +SECOND TURKISH OFFICIAL. "I DON'T KNOW WHO GETS THE DREAD, BUT I KNOW +WE'VE GOT THE NOUGHT."] + + * * * * * + +THE SPELL + + _whereby the Good People may be brought back to a house which + they have deserted_. + + Fairies!--whatsoever sprite + Near about us dwells-- + You who roam the hills at night, + You who haunt the dells-- + Where you harbour, hear us! + By the Lady Hecate's might, + Hearken and come near us! + + Though we greatly fear, alack! + Cloddish unbelief + Angered you and made you pack + To our present grief, + Hearts you shall not harden: + Bathe your hurts and come you back + Here to house and garden! + + By the oak and ash and thorn, + By the rowan tree, + This was done ere we were born: + Kith nor kin are we + Of the folk whose blindness + Shut you out with scathe and scorn, + Banished with unkindness. + + See, we call you, hands entwined, + Standing at our door, + With the glowing hearth behind + And the wood before. + Thence, where you are lurking, + Back we bring you, bring and bind + With our magic's working. + + Lo, our best we give for cess, + Having naught above + Handsel of our happiness, + Seizin of our love. + Take it then, O fairies! + Homely gods that guard and bless, + Little kindly _Lares_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _(5.35 A.M. workman's train.)_ + +_Bill_. "'ULLO, 'ERB; GOT A JOB, THEN?" + +_'Erb._ "I AIN'T GOIN' UP TO LON'ON FOR A TANGO LESSON, I GIVE YOU +_MY_ WORD."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT OUR READERS THINK OF US. + +_The Daily Express_ having invited its readers to intimate their +opinion of that journal, _Mr. Punch_ decided also to give the +grumblers a chance of saying what they think of his production, and +he now publishes a typical selection of the letters which have reached +him:-- + + Sir,--I gave up your journal many years ago on account of its + partisanship, and never read it now. Only last week I came + across a paragraph in my copy which made me throw the paper + into the waste-paper basket. + + Yours faithfully, + + VERITAS. + + + Sir,--Why is it you always favour the Tories? + + Yours faithfully, + + WELSH MEMBER. + + + Sir,--If you continue to publish cartoons with a pronounced + Radical bias I am afraid you will lose at least one. + + OLD SUBSCRIBER. + + + Sir,--I object to the advertisements. I think it would be a + good move if you were to drop these, increase the number of + pages, and reduce the price to a halfpenny. In taking this + course you would have the support of several influential + members of my parish, in addition to myself. + + Yours faithfully, + + A COUNTRY PARSON. + + + Sir,--What your paper needs is light relief. Could you not + give us a little humour now and then? + + Yours faithfully, + + A POPULAR WRITER. + + P.S.--The last MS. you returned to me was very much crumpled. + Please be more careful in the future. + + + Sir,--I think it a pity you publish jokes. In this age, when + all things--even our dear Bishops--are considered fit subjects + for jest, we could do with one serious-minded paper. Trusting + you will think this over, + + Yours faithfully, + + HITCHY KIKUYU. + + + Sir,---You should see our American comic papers. + + Yours faithfully, + + WASHINGTON G. BUSTER. + + + Sir,--I find the blank pages at the back of the cartoons very + useful for making notes on. Could you not extend this feature? + + Yours faithfully, + + PROFESSOR. + + + Sir,--I think you would do well to cater more for women--who, + after all, are a rising sex. A page each week devoted to + modern fashions would not be at all out of place in your + paper. + + Yours faithfully, + + EVE. + + + Sir,--In my opinion your paper is the cleverest in the + country--nay in the world. Nowhere else is such exquisite + literary discrimination shown. I enclose a small contribution + for your consideration, and am, + + Yours faithfully, + + CONSTANT READER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TWELFTH NIGHT" (JAN. 6). + +_Mr. Lloyd George (as_ Malvolio). "Fool, there was never man so +notoriously abused."--_Act IV., Scene 2._] + + * * * * * + +THE PAPER-CHASE. + +I arrived at home at three o'clock on a frosty afternoon. "Now," +thought I, "I shall have a quiet time before tea and shall be able to +write a few letters and start my article." It was a dream of usefully +employed leisure, but it didn't last long. + +I found the whole family, with the addition of a little boyfriend, +gathered together in a very purposeful and alarming way in the library +There was about them an undefinable air of the chase, for they were +all well-booted and belted, and Peggy had a large clasp-knife dangling +at her waist. "It is for the hare," she said, "when we catch him." + +"The hare?" I said. "What hare?" + +"You," said the lady of the house cheerfully, "are to be the hare. You +are to run till you are cooked, and then you will be caught." + +"What madness is this?" I said. + +"It's not madness a bit," said Helen indignantly. "It's a +paper-chase." + +"And I," said Rosie, "have torn up all _The Timeses_." + +"And I," said John, who is not always sure of his tenses, though he is +very voluble, "have tored up _The Daily Newses_." + +"That's capital," I said with enthusiasm. "A paper-chase is the best +fun in the world. I'll see you start and give you a cheer." + +"You can't do that," said Helen firmly, "because we've settled that +you're to carry the bag and be the hare." + +"Come, come," I said, "this is an unworthy proposal. Would you chase +your more than middle-aged father over the open country? Never. How +could he look the village in the face if he were to be seen scattering +little bits of paper from a linen bag? He would fall in their +estimation and would drag you all with him in his fall. John," I said, +"you would not have your father fall, would you?" + +"It would make me laugh," said John, and the rest seemed to think that +this callous remark settled the matter. + +"Anyhow," I said, "I must have plenty of law." + +"We won't have any law," said Helen, who is an intelligent child; +"it's all quarrellings." + +"Law," I said, "is the embodiment of human wisdom. In this case it +means that I'm going to have ten minutes' start. Everyone of you +must pledge his or her honour not to move until I've been gone ten +minutes." + +They made no difficulty about this, and, the lady of the house having +appointed herself time-keeper and having promised to have a large +tea ready for us when we returned, I was sent on my way with a bag of +paper and many shrill shouts of encouragement. + +Now I ask my colleagues in the parental business to consider my case. +I daresay they fancy themselves as runners on the strength of their +remembered boyish feats and of certain more recent runs when they have +lingered too long over breakfast and have had to catch a train. I warn +them not to build a paper-chase on so slender a foundation. A jog-trot +seems the easiest thing in the world, but after two hundred yards the +temptation to lapse into a walk becomes irresistible. I will dwell no +further on my own experiences, but transfer myself in imagination to +the hounds who were chasing me. Afterwards I heard so much of their +exploits that I almost came to feel I had shared in their daring and +been a party to their final success. + +From the garden door the line led across the road and on to a track +skirting the railway. This piece was taken at a brisk pace, the scent +being breast-high. A sheet might have covered the whole pack. Then +came a hairpin turn over the level crossing, a swing to the right and +a steady trudge up the hill. Half-way up there were gates to the right +and the left, and here the blown but wary hare had laid his first +false trail. This unsuspected device roused the utmost indignation, +and doubts were freely expressed as to its being legitimate. John was +sent to the right to investigate; Peggy went off to the left, which +proved to be the true trail, and in a very short time the dauntless +five were once more in full cry. Rosie, who is a reader of books, +afterwards said that no sleuth-hounds could have done the thing +better. So by paths and ploughed fields and over gates and stiles the +dreadful chase continued until there came another check. "These," said +Helen, pointing to some pieces of paper, "are not newspaper. They +are bits of letters." It was too true. _The Timeses_ and _The Daily +Newses_ had given out, and the hare, omitting nothing that might lead +to his destruction, had torn up all his available correspondence. It +threw the pack out for a few minutes, but they rallied. In another +hundred-and-fifty yards they ran into their hare, who, paperless +and letterless, had taken refuge behind a tree and was ignominiously +hauled out. + +So ended our great Christmas paper-chase, an event which must remain +justly celebrated both for the ardour with which it was undertaken and +for the endurance with which it was pursued. What a chatter there was +as we returned, what a narration of glorious incidents of pace, of +skill and of cunning defeated by greater cunning. Falls there had been +and shin-scrapes and the tearing of skirts and stockings, and legends +were made up and told again and again. And at home the lady of the +house had to hear it all once more, and the tea she gave us was voted +the best in the world. + + * * * * * + +Copy of letter to Clerk of the Peace in reply to Jury Summons:-- + + DEAR SIR, Your to hand re Sumons to Quarter Sessions on + Jany 9/14 + + I beg to be excused from this as I have ann absess forming + under a bad tooth and at the present time my face is very much + swollen. + + further that the 9th being a red letter day in my life being + the day on which my dear wife passed away + + and I have understood that all those over 60 year of age was + exempt from these things. So I shall be extreemly obligid if + you could free me this time answer by bearer will oblig + your respectfully + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AFTER A BAD DAY'S GOLF. + +"HERE WE ARE AGAIN."] + + * * * * * + +CONTINENTAL INTELLIGENCE. + +An extraordinary domestic tragedy is reported from a remote +province of Poland. A beautiful young woman, named Vera Alexandrina +Polianowski, who had been married only about two years, was expecting +the return home of her husband, a sailor. During his absence of five +months a mournful calamity had befallen her in an affection of the +larynx, which threatened to deprive her temporarily of the power to +articulate. Realising her impending affliction, she had taught a grey +parrot, which her husband had left with her, to exclaim repeatedly +from just inside the door of her cottage, in joyous accents that bore +no inconsiderable resemblance to her own once melodious voice, these +touching words, "Enter, dearest Vladimir, and console me for my +misfortune!" + +It chanced, however, that before marrying Vladimir Polianowski, the +sailor, Vera Alexandrina had had a lover in poor circumstances named +Vladimir Crackovitch, whom, with the thoughtlessness of a beautiful +young girl, she had encouraged to get rich as quickly as he could +in America and then return to claim her as his bride. Vladimir +Crackovitch had taken her at her word. With the silent determination +of a great soul, he had amassed about a hundred thousand dollars in +America in less than four years, and only two or three minutes before +Vera Alexandrina's husband was due to arrive he himself stood at the +cottage door with folded arms, asking himself if he should or should +not enter and reproach Vera Alexandrina for her inconstancy. + +His hesitation was suddenly overcome by the parrot. "Enter, dearest +Vladimir, and console me for my misfortune!" it cried eagerly from +within, and, not for an instant doubting that it was an invitation +from the woman whom he still loved fondly in spite of her perfidy, and +being unaware of her laryngeal affliction, he bounded into the +house and hurried from room to room until he found Vera Alexandrina +Polianowski. + +But Vladimir, the sailor, had already in the meantime, from the top of +an adjacent lane, beheld Vladimir Crackovitch at the door of his home, +and, being a man of the most blindly passionate and jealous impulses, +his next procedure may be imagined. + +Several hours later a neighbour called at the cottage and discovered +the three corpses in one sad heap: Vera Alexandrina Polianowski, shot +through the breast; at her side, Vladimir Crackovitch, with a bullet +in each eye; and, still clutching his revolver, Vladimir, the sailor, +seated upon his grim cushion of the dead, his back supported against +the wall under the domestic lamplit icon, with a smile of hellish +satisfaction frozen upon his lips and the remaining three bullets +buried in his heart. + +The above is not necessarily a true story. It is a specimen of the +small-print news with which the rather young Assistant Sub-Editor +of _The Dullandshire Chronicle_ (established 1763) is permitted, +occasionally, to divert those of _The Chronicle's_ subscribers who +take an intelligent interest in continental affairs. + + * * * * * + + "You know the 'Tziganes,' don't you?--those marvellous + gentlemen in red coats with sleek dark singlets, exotic + complexions, and bold, rolling black eyes."--_Sunday + Chronicle_. + +Strictly speaking, singlets, of whatever colour, should be worn +_under_ the coat. + + * * * * * + +THE HUNTSMAN'S STORY. + + I heard the huntsman calling as he drew Threeacre Spinney; + He found a fox and hunted him and handled him ere night, + And his voice upon the hill-side was as golden as a guinea, + And I ventured he'd done nicely--most respectful and polite-- + Jig-jogging back to kennels, and the stars were shining bright. + + Old Jezebel and Jealous they were trotting at his stirrup; + The road was clear, the moon was up, 'twas but a mile or so; + He got the pack behind him with a chirp and with a chirrup, + And said he, "I had the secret from my gran'dad long ago, + And all the old man left me, Sir, if you should want to know. + + "And he was most a gipsy, Sir, and spoke the gipsy lingos, + But he knew of hounds and horses all as NIMROD might have know'd: + When we'd ask him how he did it, he would say, 'You little Gringos, + I learnt it from a lady that I met upon the road; + In the hills o' Connemara was this wondrous gift bestowed.' + + "Connemara--County Galway--he was there in 1830; + He was taking hounds to kennel, all alone, he used to say, + And the hills of Connemara, when the night is falling dirty, + Is an ill place to be left in when the dusk is turning grey, + An ill place to be lost in most at any time o' day. + + "Adown the dismal mountains that night it blew tremendous, + A-sobbing like a giant and a-snorting like a whale, + When he saw beside the sheep-track ('Holy Saints,' says he, 'defend us!') + A mighty dainty lady, dressed in green, and sweet and pale, + And she rode an all-cream pony with an Arab head and tail. + + "Says she to him, 'Young gentleman, to you I'd be beholden + If you'd ride along to Fairyland this night beside o' me; + There's a fox that eats our chickens--them that lays the eggs that's golden-- + And our little fairy mouse-dogs, ah, 'tis small account they'll be, + Sure it wants an advertising pack to gobble such as he!' + + "So gran'dad says, 'Your servant, Miss,' and got his hounds together, + And the mountain-side flew open and they rode into the hill; + 'Your country's one to cross,' says he, and rights a stirrup-leather, + And he found in half-a-jiffey, and he finished with a kill; + And the little fairy lady, she was with 'em with a will. + + "Then 'O,' says she, 'young man,' says she, ''tis lonesome here in Faerie, + So won't you stay and hunt with us and never more to roam, + And take a bride'--she looks at him--'whose youth can never vary, + With hair as black as midnight and a breast as white as foam?' + And 'Thank you, Miss,' says gran'dad, 'but I've got a wife at home!' + + "Then, 'O, young man,' says she, 'young man, then you shall take a bounty, + A bounty of my magic that may grant you wishes three; + Come make yourself the grandest man from out o' Galway County + To Dublin's famous city all of my good gramarye?' + And, 'Thank you, Miss,' says gran'dad, 'but such ain't no use to me.' + + "But he said, since she was pressing of her fairy spells and forces, + He'd take the threefold bounty, lest a gift he'd seem to scorn: + He'd ask, beyond all other men, the tricks o' hounds and horses, + And a voice to charm a woodland of a soft December morn, + And sons to follow after him, all to the business born. + + "And--but here we are at home, Sir. Yes, the old man was a terror + For his fairies and his nonsense, yet the story's someways right; + He'd the trick o' hounds and horses to a marvel--and no error; + And to hear him draw a woodland was a pride and a delight; + And--_was it luck entirely, Sir, I killed my fox to-night?_" + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE WONDER. + +The crowd had gone, the lights had been extinguished, and the doors +of the music-hall were shut. The Little Wonder was tired after the +performance; his attempt to do the double somersault had strained him, +and his failure had brought a whipping. Although the outhouse in which +he was to lie was cold and damp and smelt horribly, he was glad when +his master thrust him into it, and he was content to lie down in the +straw and forget his misery in sleep. + +He dreamt a beautiful dream. He dreamt that he was a master, and +that he was presenting to a crowded audience what he had billed as +"A Marvel of the Twentieth Century"--a performing man. The man was a +creature with a pink face, oily hair, and a black moustache; and the +Little Wonder, in his capacity as master, made the Marvel bark like +a dog, whereat the audience yelped its approval. Then the collar of +a member of the audience was handed on to the stage, while the Marvel +was blindfolded, and, after sniffing the collar, he succeeded in +tracking down its owner--like a dog again. And in whatever trick +the Marvel did, the Little Wonder was close behind him, looking so +friendly and threatening him with low growls at the same time. If the +Marvel happened to remember for a moment his miserable condition and +to look unhappy, his master would look still more kindly and threaten +even more sternly. Then came the moment when the orchestra stopped +suddenly, and the kettledrum rolled, and the eyes of the audience +were fixed upon the Marvel. For this remarkable performing man was +scratching in a tub of earth to find a bone--just like a real dog; and +that was his greatest trick. When he had successfully performed it, +his master (the Little Wonder) presented him with a twopenny cigar +clothed in a flashy cummerbund, to show how generously he rewarded +achievements. Then, as the curtain fell, he retired with many +bows--and in the wings gave the Marvel a hot time for shirking the +biscuit trick. + +I question whether the Little Wonder in real life would have so +ill-treated any creature; but things are different in dreams; and, as +he slept, a smile seemed to come into the shaggy face of this little +Irish terrier. + + * * * * * + + "In a fierce game at Ilfracombe yesterday morning several + houses were partially unroofed, and an arcade blown + in."--_Scotsman_. + +Where was the referee? + + * * * * * + +RECORD RISKS. + +_(A Sequel to "Narrow Escapes.")_ + +The report that M. PADEREWSKI has been hunted by Nihilists out of +Denver has suggested to the Editor of _The Musical Mirror_ the happy +thought of circularising a number of prominent musicians with a +view to ascertaining the most dangerous experiences they have ever +undergone. + +Sir FREDERICK BRIDGE writes to say that the worst quarter of a minute +he ever spent was while tarpon fishing off the coast of Florida, when +a gigantic tarpon, weighing some 400 lbs., leaped into the boat with +its mouth wide open. With great presence of mind the famous organist +thrust into the monster's gaping jaws a full score of STRAUSS'S +_Elektra_, which he was studying between the casts, and the tarpon at +once leaped out of the boat and was never seen or heard of again. + +Madame MELBA'S most perilous experience was on a tour in the Far East, +when the liner in which she was travelling was caught by a tidal wave +and hurled with enormous velocity towards the rocky coast of Sumatra. +Noticing that a large whale was following the vessel, and remembering +the peculiar susceptibility of these giant mammals to musical sounds, +Madame MELBA sang the _scena_, "Ocean, thou mighty monster," with such +persuasive force that the whale allowed itself to be made fast with a +hawser and then towed the liner back safely into the open sea. + +Mr. Bamborough (formerly M. Bamberger) recounted the episode, already +alluded to in these columns, when he was partially eaten by cannibals +in the Solomon Islands; but the details are too harrowing for +reproduction, even in a condensed form. It is interesting to learn, +however, that a punitive expedition was despatched by the British +Government to avenge the insult, as a result of which Mr. Bamborough +was awarded an indemnity of 1,000 bales of copra, 20 tons of +sandalwood, and L3,000 worth of tortoiseshell. + +Sir FREDERICK COWEN, in reply to the circular, states that the closest +call he ever had was when adjudicating at a Welsh Eisteddfod. In +consequence of an unpopular award he was besieged in his hotel by +an infuriated crowd and only escaped by changing clothes with a +policeman. + +Professor Quantock de Banville relates how, while obtaining local +colour for his new Choral Symphony, he was attacked by a gorilla in +Central Africa, but tamed the mighty simian by the power of his eye. + +In conclusion we may note that the only disappointing answer was +received from Signor Crinuto, the famous pianist, who replied, "I have +never had a close shave, and never intend to have one." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WEEK-END AND THE EXHAUSTED MIDDLE. + +TIME--_Wednesday, 4 P.M._ + +_Client (to office-boy)._ "CAN I SEE MR. BROWN?" + +_Office-Boy._ "AWAY FOR THE WEEK-END, SIR." + +_Client_. "WHICH?" _Office-Boy._ "NEXT, SIR."] + + * * * * * + + "A Christmas Tree Entertainment will be held in Pelican + Lake schoolhouse on Tuesday, Dec. 23. Everybody welcome, no + admission."--_Vermilion Standard_ (Alberta. No relation to + _The Sporting Times_). + +You are at perfect liberty to hang about outside. + + * * * * * + + "No one can deny that it is essential London should have a + thoroughly equipped shin hospital."--_Advt. in "Sphere."_ + +No footballer, anyhow. + + * * * * * + +FROM A GENERAL KNOWLEDGE (SIC) EXAMINATION. + +The Cat and Mouse Act is an Act by which a cat may not kill a mouse +unless when necessary. + +The Apocalypse is an ailment one has apolcalyptic fits. + +Sea-legs are when you don't have legs but a tail. + +The All Red Route is the human throat or swallow. + +Ten instruments for an orchestra are banjo, pianola, concertina, +mandoline, psalteries, shawms, bagpipes, bells to clash with, violins, +and bassinette. + +To die in harness means to die married. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL." + +EMERSON says somewhere that there are great ways of borrowing; that, +if you can contrive to transmute base metal into fine, nobody will +worry as to where you got your base metal from. But, when it is the +other way about, I think you must not be surprised if people ask +you where you lifted your gold. And the answer, in the case of Miss +ELEANOR GATES, is that the nuggets were the property of LEWIS +CARROLL. She has taken the sprightly and fantastic humour of _Alice +in Wonderland,_ passed it through the alembic (if that is the word) of +her American imagination, and the result is something that hardly lets +you smile at all. It is not a typical product of native industry, but +even that does not make it much easier for us to grasp the secret of +its success over there. It would seem that nearly all Transatlantic +humour, indigenous or adoptive, is apt, like certain wines, to suffer +in the process of sea-transit. + +Her "Poor Little Rich Girl" is poor because her parents are too +rich. Her father is too busy with finance and her mother with social +climbing to spare time for their daughter's company, so they leave +her to the care of governesses and menials. Her nurse, anxious for +an evening out at a picture-palace, gives the child an overdose of +sleeping-mixture, with the result that she nearly dies of it. In the +course of delirious dreams she finds herself in the "Tell-Tale Forest" +(which threatens to recall _The Palace of Truth_), and here all +the picturesque phrases which she has been in the childish habit of +misinterpreting in their literal sense--"a bee in the bonnet," to +"ride hobbies," "to play ducks and drakes," "to pay the piper," and so +forth--are realised in human or animal form. With these are mixed the +familiar figures of her waking life, all of them exposed in their true +characters so that you can distinguish the devotion of the doctor (who +now appears in pink because he likes riding hobbies) and the affection +of the teddy-bear (now expanded to human proportions) from the +serpentine nature of the governess and the double-faced dealings of +the nurse. Her father, who is a stranger to her, comes on dressed in +banknotes and chained to a safe; her mother, also a stranger, wears +a society bee which buzzes in the place where her bonnet would have +been; and five samples of the fashionable world, where, as you know, +everybody thinks the same thing at the same time, let off recitatives +from time to time in unison. And there was much talk about "Robin +Hood's Barn," a thing I was never told about at an age when I am sure +it would have given me sincere pleasure. + +Here and there the symbolism was obvious to the point of crudity; +but you searched in vain for a consistent scheme. The father in his +banknotes lashed to a ponderous safe was an easy personification of +the slavery of wealth, and the pantomime ducks and drakes were simple +to understand as symbolizing the career of a spendthrift (though the +father was never that); but why, you asked, did the double-faced nurse +exhaust all her spare moments and our patience pirouetting about the +stage? Did she represent the levity of the dual life? Not at all; +her actions bore no moral significance: she was just giving a literal +illustration of a phrase--"to dance attendance." + +I don't know how the children in the audience appreciated all +this, but I confess that some of it left me wondering whether +my intelligence was too raw or too ripe for the fancies of this +Wonder-Zoo-Land. + +The First Act, which showed the child's life at home, had fallen +altogether flat; but the Third, in which she wakes in her pretty +bedroom, restored from the jaws of death to her repentant parents, +put us on better terms with ourselves, for we were not really hard to +please. The sweetness of it was perhaps a little cloying, but it was +all quite nice and sympathetic. Still, I am afraid I agreed more than +I was meant to with the speech of pretty little Miss STEPHANIE BELL, +when she told us before the curtain that they would cable to the +author in America to say how glad we were that it was all over. + +Mr. ERNEST HENDRIE, who was translated from an organ-grinder to a +maker of faces, played very soundly, but seemed to me a little too +deliberate and conscious in his speech. I found a more moving appeal +in the slight pathetic sketch of an old faithful butler by Mr. GEORGE +MALLETT. Mr. FEWLASS LLEWELLYN might easily, with a little assistance +from the author, have extracted a lot more fun from his Plumber. Mr. +MALCOLM CHERRY had a simple and popular part as the good Doctor. +Miss HELEN HAYE'S cleverness was wasted on the character of a sinuous +governess. Miss EVELYN WEEDEN did all that was asked of the mother in +both worlds--the world of fancy and the world of fact. But, to speak +truth, there was little attraction in the performance apart from the +personality of Miss STEPHANIE BELL in the title _role_. If the play is +to succeed--and its hope lies in the good temper and high spirits of +holiday time--the author will owe most to the natural charm of this +delightful young lady, who played throughout with a most engaging +sincerity and ease. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WITH THE "TELL-TALE FOREST" HUNT. + +_The Hobby Rider_ (Mr. CHERRY) takes the temperature of _The Poor +Little Rich Girl_ (Miss STEPHANIE BELL). + +The hound is Mr. ERNEST HENDRIE _(The Man who makes Faces)_, +well-known as _The Dog_ in _The Blue Bird_.] + + * * * * * + + "After fifty years of good conduct in the Ancona Penitentiary, + the life sentence of Giacomo Casale has been remitted by King + Victor Emmanuel. Casale's astonishment at the altered world in + which he found himself on coming out of prison was unbounded. + He immediately"--_Daily Express._ + +Unfortunately our contemporary stops there, and leaves us all in an +agony of doubt. Our own view is that CASALE bought the Mimosa Edition +of a certain rival journal, and that the Editor of _The Express_ only +just censored the paragraph in time. + + * * * * * + + "The wireless station at Kamina, in Togo, German West Africa, + has received a number of wireless telegrams from the station + at Naten, a distance of 3,348 miles. The Kamina station will + not be able to reply until its new plant, which is being set + up with the utmost speed, has been completed."--_Reuter_. + +Indeed, the opinion is held by some that it would be quicker to reply +by post. + + * * * * * + + "The prison buildings themselves are separated from this + wall by a yard measuring twenty-five years across."--_Daily + Dispatch_. + +Of course a yard ought to measure thirty-six inches. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _English Horse Dealer (to Irish horse dealer from whom +he is buying a horse)._ "HOW'S HE BRED?" + +_Irish Dealer_. "WELL, HOW WOULD YE LIKE HIM BRED? IF HE WAS FOR SIR +PATHRICK UP AT THE CASTLE HE'D BE BY RED EAGLE OUT AV AN ASECTIC MARE, +BUT YE CAN SUIT YERSILF."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +If for nothing else, Mr. JACK LONDON'S latest story would deserve a +welcome for its topicality. In these days of strikes and industrial +conflict every one might be glad to know what a writer of his +individuality has to say about unions and blacklegs and picketing. +True, this is hardly the kind of thing that one has learnt to +associate with his name; and for that reason perhaps I best liked _The +Valley of the Moon_ (MILLS AND BOON) after its hero and heroine had +shaken the unsavoury dust of the town from their feet and set them +towards the open country. But much had to happen first. The hero was +big _Billy Roberts_, a teamster with the heart of a child and the +strength of a prize-fighter--which was in fact his alternative +profession. He married _Saxon Brown_ ("a scream of a name" her friend +called it when introducing them to each other), and for a time their +life together was as nearly idyllic as newly-wedded housekeeping in a +mean street could permit it to be. Then came the lean years: strikes +and strike-breaking, sabotage and rioting, prison for _Billy_, and +all but starvation for _Saxon_. Perhaps you know already that peculiar +gift of Mr. JACK LONDON'S that makes you not only see physical +hardship but suffer it? I believe that after these chapters the reader +of them will never again be able to regard a newspaper report of +street-fighting with the same detachment as before, so vivid are +they, so haunting. In the end, however, as I say, we find a happier +atmosphere. The adventures of _Billy_ and _Saxon_, tramping it in +search of a home, soon make their urban terrors seem to them and the +reader a kind of nightmare. Here Mr. LONDON is at his delightful +best, and his word-pictures of country scenes are as fresh and fine +as anything he has yet done. _The Valley of the Moon_, in short, +is really two stories--one grim, one pleasant, and both brilliantly +successful. + + * * * * * + +It is perhaps a mistake to read a novel at a sitting, since the +reaction is too sudden and the reader is apt to find the real life and +the real people surrounding him highly unsatisfactory by contrast. +Mr. JAMES PROSPER has reduced me to this state by _The Mountain Apart_ +(HEINEMANN), but it is my duty as critic to disregard my personal +feelings and judge impartially between the fictitious and the actual. +Duty, then, compels me to say that the _Mr. Henry Harding_ who at +the last solved all the difficulties of _Rose Hilton_ by the simple +expedient of a romantic proposal is a hollow fraud. The position +was this: _Rose_ was a woman of flesh and blood and all the human +limitations, blessed and cursed with all the intricacies allotted by +Providence to the sex. Her trouble was that she had to face life as it +is, and this she found very trying. She suffered from her marriage +to a man old enough to be her grandfather, and from her abortive +grapplings both with the abstract problems of her soul and the +concrete mischiefs of her female friends. The influence of IBSEN and a +militant Suffragette didn't help her meditations, and when her husband +died she had the mortification to find that the first man of her own +age who professed love to her was no man but a series of artistic +poses. Of her difficulties, real enough up to this point, the solution +was the fraudulent _Henry_, fraudulent because he was just a stage +hero whose actions and conversation resembled nothing on earth. +_Henry_, in fact, is the sort of person that doesn't exist, and, if he +did, would be intolerable to everybody except a novel reader worked up +to a climax. I doubt if even such a reader could stand the fellow on +a longer acquaintance. To this conclusion all must come in their saner +moments, and yet most will, I think, finish the book in one spell and +be under the delusion at the end of it that all their troubles +would be solved at once if only their friends would talk and conduct +themselves more like _Henry_. + + * * * * * + +In _Theodore Roosevelt: an Autobiography_ (MACMILLAN) the ex-President +shows us how it was done: how he started life as a weakly lad and by +perseverance made himself what he is to-day. But what is he? That is +the insoluble problem. No two people, least of all Americans, seem to +agree on the point. I have heard Mr. ROOSEVELT called everything +from a charlatan to the Saviour of his Country. For myself, if I may +intrude my own view, I have always admired the "Bull Moose." But, +since nobody on this earth, in America or out of it, can really +understand American politics, my respect has been for Mr. ROOSEVELT'S +private rather than his public performances. And in the view that +he is, take him all round, a pretty good sort of man, this book has +confirmed me. He has told his story well. Nor is the Power of the +Human "I" too much in evidence. It is just a simple, straightforward +tale of a particularly interesting life. Whatever your views on Mr. +ROOSEVELT may be, the fact remains that he has been a cowboy, a +police commissioner of New York, a soldier on active service, and +the President of God's Country, suh; and a man must have an unusually +negative personality if he cannot make entertainment for us out +of that. Now nobody has ever suspected Mr. ROOSEVELT of a negative +personality; and it is certain that he has told a very entertaining +story. There are in this volume battle, murder, sudden death, outlaws, +cowboys, bears, American politics, and the author's views on the +English blackbird, all handsomely illustrated, and the price is only +what you would (or would not) pay for a stall to see a musical comedy. +It's a bargain. + + * * * * * + +Between the rising of the partisans of the Duchesse DE BERRI and the +dawn of the Tractarian movement there would not seem, at first blush, +to be any very close association apart from the coincidence of their +dates; yet in _The Vision Splendid_ (MURRAY), by D.K. BROSTER and G.W. +TAYLOR, a link is furnished in the person of an English clergyman's +daughter, who marries a Frenchman of the "Legitimist" aristocracy, and +is loved, before and afterwards, by an enthusiastic disciple of the +Oriel Common Room. But the link is too slight to give a proper unity +to the tale; and we have to fall back upon contrasts. Even so, the +two modes of life which made up, between them, the experience of the +_Comtesse de la Roche-Guyon (nee Horatia Grenville_) are too cleanly +severed by the estranging Channel to be brought into sharp antithesis, +except in the heart of the one woman. And, since it is difficult to +understand why anyone so British in her independence and aloofness +should have surrendered her heart to the first good-looking Frenchman +who came her way, we never get to be on very intimate terms with that +organ. The construction of the story tends to break up the action and +make its interest desultory. While we are spending a hundred odd pages +at one time and fifty odd at another in Paris and Brittany we forget, +very contentedly, about Oriel; and while we are in residence at Oxford +we are practically cut off--no doubt, to our spiritual gain--from +the things of France. The authors seem to belong to the solid +old-fashioned school that had the patience to spread itself and leave +as little as might be to the imagination. I suspect one of them +of supplying the foreign information and the other of being the +correspondent on home and clerical affairs. I don't know how many of +them--if any--are women, but I seem to trace a female hand in some of +the domestic details. But the book contains strong matter, too--both +of narrative and characterization; as in the dying of _Armand de la +Roche-Guyon_, and the picture of his lover, _Madame de Vigerie_. +And there is something of the inspiration of the Holy Grail in +that "Vision Splendid" which heartens _Tristram Hungerford_ to make +sacrifice of his passion that he may give his soul unshared to the +service of the Church. + + * * * * * + +Until I had read Mr. A. RADCLYFFE DUGMORE'S book and revelled in his +most wonderful photographs I had never wished to be a caribou; but now +that I have fully digested _The Romance of the Newfoundland Caribou_ +(HEINEMANN) there is only one animal whose lot in life I really envy. +This is due not to a natural sympathy with caribous (for, as the +author says, "In England it is quite the exception to find anyone +who knows what the caribou is, unless he happens to have been to +Newfoundland or certain parts of Canada," and I was never one of the +exceptions), but to the extraordinary manner in which Mr. DUGMORE +has imparted the affection that be himself entertains for his chosen +beast. Although he shoots with no more formidable a weapon than a +camera, the dangers and risks that he has run would appal many of +the sportsmen whose aim is to destroy and not to study the lives of +animals. He has, however, no contempt for hunters, provided that they +will play the game and give a fair chance to their quarry. Another +point in his favour, which appeals mightily to me, is that after nine +consecutive seasons in Newfoundland he confesses that his knowledge of +the caribou is still incomplete. This means that, when he does make +an absolute statement, you may be pretty certain that it is true. If +I ever have to argue about the habits of caribous, there is one shot +that will remain in my locker until the very end of the argument, and +it will be, "Well, DUGMORE says so." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IMPRESSION OF A FOOTBALL MATCH GATHERED FROM OUR +ILLUSTRATED DAILY PAPERS.] + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, January 7, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, NO. 146 *** + +***** This file should be named 12294.txt or 12294.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/2/9/12294/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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