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diff --git a/old/12292-h/12292-h.htm b/old/12292-h/12292-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..28f8438 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12292-h/12292-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2591 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, July 26, 1890.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Vol. 99., July 26, 1890., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Vol. 99., July 26, 1890. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 7, 2004 [EBook #12292] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99., JULY 26, 1890. *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 26, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" + id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + + <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. XVI.—THE HURLINGHAM GIRL.</h3> + + <p>It is not so easy as it might appear to define the + Hurlingham Girl with complete accuracy. To say of her that she + is one whose spirits are higher than her aspirations, would be + true but inadequate. For, at the best, aspirations are etherial + things, and those of the Hurlingham Girl, if they ever existed, + have been so recklessly puffed into space as to vanish almost + entirely from view. In any case they afford a very + unsubstantial basis of comparison to the student who seeks to + infer from them her general character. Yet it would be wrong to + assume that she has dispensed with the etherial on account of + her devotion to what is solid. Indeed nothing is more certain + about her than the contempt with which she has been willingly + taught to look upon all the attainments that are usually + dignified with this epithet. History and geography, classics + and mathematics, modern languages (her own and those of foreign + nations), all these she candidly despises. Let others make + their nests upon the shady branches of the tree of learning. + For herself she is fain to soar into the empyrean of society, + and to gaze with undazzled eyes into the sun of the smart set. + She has of course had the advantage of teachers of all sorts, + but the claims made upon her time by thoughtless parents have + usually been so great as to leave her at the end of her + school-room period with a few brittle fragments of knowledge, + which shift and change in her mind as the bits of glass might + shift in a kaleidoscope from which the looking-glass had been + omitted. It is enough for her if, in place of historical dates, + she knows the fashionable fixtures, whilst Sandown and Kempton, + Ascot and Goodwood, Hurlingham, and the Ranelagh, supply her + with a variety of knowledge infinitely more interesting and + "actual" than the dry details of population, area, climate, and + capital towns, which may be learnt (by others) from primers of + geography.</p> + + <p>Although it is, from their and her point of view, eminently + desirable that the parents of the Hurlingham Girl should be + rich, yet it is by no means absolutely necessary. It is, + however, essential that they should possess a social position + which will ensure to them and to their daughter an easy + entrance into that world which considers itself, not perhaps + better, but certainly good. Her mother has probably discovered + long since that the task of being thwarted by her daughter is + an intolerable addition to her social burdens. She therefore + permits her, with as much resignation as she can command, to + take her own course in all those matters that do not conflict + directly with the maternal plans, and she may even come to take + a pride in the bold and dashing independence by which her + daughter seeks to relieve her of all responsibility, if not of + all anxiety.</p> + + <p>It is naturally during the London Season that the life of + the Hurlingham Girl is at its fullest and best. On week-day + mornings she is a frequent attendant in the Row, the means of + her father being apparently sufficient to provide her with a + sleek and showy Park hack and an irreproachable groom. Thence + she hastens home to rest and dawdle until the hour arrives for + luncheon, to which meal she has invited the youth who happens + to be temporarily dancing attendance upon her, for it is + understood in many houses that luncheon is an open meal for + which no formal invitation from a parent is necessary. In the + afternoon there is always a bazaar, an amateur concert, an + exhibition, a fashionable <i>matinée</i> or a Society + tea-party to be visited. For the evening there are dinners, and + theatres, and an endless succession of dances, at which the + flowers, the suppers, and the general decorations possess as + much or as little variety as the conversation of those who + overcrowd the rooms to an accompaniment of dance-music that may + once have been new.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/37.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37.png" + alt="Polo game" /></a> + </div> + + <p>But of course there are distractions. Now and again Society + seeks relief from its load of care by emigrating <i>en + masse</i> for the day to a race-meeting at Sandown or Kempton. + There the Hurlingham Girl is as much at home as though she were + native to the spot, sprung, as it were, from the very turf + itself. The interest she takes or pretends to take in racing is + something astounding. For in truth she knows nothing about + horses, their points, their pedigrees, or their performances. + Yet she chatters about them and their races, their jockeys, + their owners, the weight they carry, their tempers, and the + state of the betting market, with a glib assurance which is apt + to put to shame even those of her male companions who have + devoted a lifetime to the earnest study of these supreme + matters. In imitation of these gentlemen she will assure those + who care to listen to her, that she has had a real bad day, not + having managed to get on to a single winner, and that if it + hadn't been for a fluke in backing <i>Tantivy</i>, one, two, + three, she would have been reduced to a twopence in the pound + condition of beggary. She will then forget her imaginary + losses, and will listen with amusement and interest while a + smooth-faced lad criticises with as much severity as he can + command in the intervals of his cigarettes the dress, + appearance, and general character of a lady whom she happens to + dislike. On the following day she will visit Hurlingham in + order to be looked at as a spectator at a polo match, in which + she has no interest whatever. After this she is entertained at + dinner together with a select party, which includes the young + married lady who is her bosom friend and occasional chaperon, + by a middle-aged dandy of somewhat shady antecedents, but of + great wealth and undoubted position. On Sunday mornings she may + not always go to Church, but she makes up for this neglect by + the perfect regularity of her attendance at Church parade. In + the afternoon she will go to Tattersall's to inspect horses. + Ascot could not continue without her, and Goodwood would + crumble into ruins if she were absent. This at least is her + opinion, and thus the months flit by and leave her just as wise + as they found her. For she never reads a book, and illustrates + by constant practice her belief that the fashionable + intelligence of the <i>Morning Post</i> is a sufficient mental + pabulum for a grown-up woman.</p> + + <p>It is unnecessary to describe further the pursuits and + occupations of the Hurlingham Girl. With regard to her + appearance and dress, it must be admitted that she displays + considerable taste. She is always neat, polished, perfectly + groomed—in a word, smart. It may be that it takes nine + tailors to make a man. It is certain that it takes only one to + make a well-dressed woman. Yet she does not always, of course, + wear tailor-made costumes, for on the Sundays that she spends + on the river, her impertinently poised straw hats, her tasteful + ribbons, her sailor's knots, her collars, her manly shirts, and + the general appropriateness of her dress, excite the envy of + those who declare that they would not imitate her for worlds, + merely because nature has made it impossible for them to be + like her. Handsome she is undoubtedly, with the beauty that + comes of perfect health undisturbed by thoughts of the why and + the wherefore, or by anticipations of a troublesome to-morrow. + Yet to the casual observer who beholds this admirably decorated + creature, her conversation is disappointing. She revels in + slang. Catch-words and phrases which are not called vulgar only + because the better classes use them, come trippingly, but never + with a pleasant effect from her lips. Nor has she that sense of + reticence which is said to have been the distinguishing mark of + unmarried girlhood at some former period. That she should talk + frivolously on great subjects, if she talks on them at all, is + only to be expected. It would be well if her curiosity and her + conversation left untouched delicate matters, the existence of + which she may suspect but ought certainly to ignore.</p> + + <p>After she has thus flaunted her brilliant health and beauty + through several Seasons, she may begin to tire of an existence, + which in spite of its general freedom, is subject to certain + restraints. She therefore decides to emancipate herself by + submitting to a husband. She finds no difficulty, with the + assistance of her mother, in discarding the penniless subaltern + who has devoted himself to her, and whom she has induced to + believe that she preferred to the whole world. Having received + an offer from a gentleman of presentable looks and immense + possessions, she promptly accepts it, and gains to her own + surprise a considerable reputation for judgment and discretion. + It is quite possible that after a year or two of giddy married + life she may decline gradually into a British Matron, respected + alike on account of her increasing family, and her substantial + appearance.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE BOY THE FATHER OF THE MAN.—The Chairman of the + Infant Insurance Committee, asked a skilled witness, "Is a man + his own child, or another person's child?" This led to an + altercation, and the room had to be cleared while the question + was debated. On the return of the Public, the query was + repeated without a satisfactory result. And yet the evident + answer is, that he is another person's child, except when he is + "a self-made man."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" + id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> + + <h2>PUNCH TO PRIMROSE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A good one to follow, a bad one to beat!"</p> + + <p>Don't envy the man who succeeds to <i>your</i> + seat,</p> + + <p class="i2">My clever ex-L.C.C. Chairman.</p> + + <p>Fanatics and faddists will mar the best schemes,</p> + + <p>Unless they're restrained from unholy extremes</p> + + <p class="i2">By the hand of a strong and a fair + man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your lubber, when first he adventures on wheels,</p> + + <p>Has little control of his head or his heels.</p> + + <p class="i2">With knees on the shake, and arms + shrinking,</p> + + <p>He scrambles about on the slippery floor,</p> + + <p>Like a toper at large, or a mad semaphore,</p> + + <p class="i2">Half wishing he hadn't gone rinking.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But, guided discreetly, supported at need,</p> + + <p>The clumsiest novice at last may succeed,</p> + + <p class="i2">His knees and his elbows controlling;</p> + + <p>And you, my dear PRIMOSE, have played such a + part.</p> + + <p>You have given your promising pupil a start,</p> + + <p class="i2">And—so to speak—set the + wheels rolling.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He ought to do now; let us hope that he will.</p> + + <p>The thanks mainly due to your judgment and skill</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Mr. Punch</i>, for the Public, here + offers,</p> + + <p>The boy's a bit clumsy,—most novices are;</p> + + <p>But, give him fair play, and he may prove a + "star,"</p> + + <p class="i2">In spite of the sneerers and + scoffers.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/38-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/38-1.png" + alt="Off duty" /></a> + + <h3>OFF DUTY.</h3><i>Punch</i> (<i>to Primrose</i>). + "YOU'VE SHOWN HIM THE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT. HE OUGHT TO BE + ABLE TO GET ALONG NOW." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ON WITH THE NEW LOVE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Mr. Punch to His Boys at Bisley.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, here you are, my bonny boys!</p> + + <p class="i2">No doubt you felt regret at parting</p> + + <p>With well-known Wimbledonian joys.</p> + + <p class="i2">But here you look all right, at + starting.</p> + + <p>You've not been <i>quite</i> deranged by RANGER;</p> + + <p>Of that there never was much danger.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Small thanks to <i>him</i>! Well, well, perhaps;</p> + + <p class="i2">But never mind. Anger's too grisly</p> + + <p>To be long held by such smart chaps;</p> + + <p class="i2">And you can make Bulls'-eyes at + Bisley;</p> + + <p>And "sheep's'-eyes" seem to show you're "on</p> + + <p>With that New Love"—New Wimbledon!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis <i>Juliet</i> now—not + <i>Rosaline</i>;</p> + + <p class="i2">Well, <i>Romeo</i>, take my + benediction.</p> + + <p>The Maid is fair, her dwelling fine.</p> + + <p class="i2">And here you need not fear + "Eviction."</p> + + <p>"Disturbance" caused some indignation,</p> + + <p>But, after all, there's "Compensation."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your New Love's fair, furze-garmented,</p> + + <p class="i2">And brightly crowned with golden + bracken.</p> + + <p>Your loyalty of heart and head,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of love (and lead) I'm sure won't + slacken.</p> + + <p>"Bless ye, my children! May your New Love</p> + + <p>Be firm and lasting as 'tis true love!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST.</h2> + + <h3>ON A HOUSE-BOAT AT HENLEY.</h3> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <p>When I received a wire from an old and dear school-friend, + saying, "LUCY disappointed; come for week; wire me, + <i>Goldfields</i>, Henley—KITTY," I felt that the Art + which I had been so assiduously cultivating for some time past + was to be put in practice at last. I had long decided that + there was a grand opening for girls (the true unemployed) in + the idea, and I had determined to make a good thing out of it + myself. KITTY' S telegram was somewhat vague, I admit; but + gossip having thrown a side-light on it, I knew that it came + from Henley, where she and her husband (whom I had never yet + seen) had a House-boat for the Regatta week. To answer in the + affirmative, pack my box, and catch the next train to Henley, + was small work to a "Professional Guest."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/38-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/38-2.png" + alt="Woman reading while reclining by a pond" /></a> + </div> + + <p>When I arrived, I walked straight out of the station to the + nearest wharf, and, chartering a punt, had my luggage and + myself placed on board, and then told the small boy, who + "manned" the craft, to take me to the <i>Goldfields</i>. I was + not too well pleased when he threw doubts, not only on her + whereabouts, but on her existence. Neither the small boy nor a + big man, nor an old woman standing by, knew anything about it; + and I had determined to take the next train to Town, when a + flannel-clad young man, with a heavy face and a peevish voice, + called out from the bank, "I've been looking for you + everywhere." It proved to be KITTY'S husband, but, as we were + totally unacquainted with each other's appearances, it was not + wonderful that his search for me had been ineffectual. He + seemed much annoyed, however, and only vouchsafed one remark as + we punted, or, rather, waltzed (for the small boy was a "dry + bob," I think), down stream towards the <i>Goldfields</i>. + "It's all KITTY'S fault,—LUCY'S come." Of course this was + awkward, but, on arrival, KITTY was so hospitable, and LUCY so + pretty, that, though our sleeping and dressing apartment was + astonishingly small, and I made the odd girl out at dinner, I + felt I could not mind much, and I also got over the little + <i>contretemps</i> of my dressing-bag being dropped into the + river—"by accident," said KITTY'S husband.</p> + + <p>Owing to the heat and the unaccustomed noise of the river, + neither LUCY nor I slept much; and, though we were told next + morning we could not have any baths, the whole scene was so + bright and sparkling that nobody (except KITTY'S husband, who + seemed of a morose disposition) could with reason have + complained of anything. It continued to sparkle till the first + train came down from town, when our guests and the rain arrived + together. It was a dreadful nuisance, as the awning, which, + with the flowers, had cost us hours to arrange, speedily got + soaked, and had to be taken down. Then, of course, the sun came + out again, and for a time the heat was intense. In fact, one + lady, who would eat her lunch on the roof, grew quite faint, + and had to be helped down to KITTY'S husband's room. After + lunch, we all ventured out in various small craft, and again I + was unlucky in my waterman. I was sure he had never punted + before, and it proved to be so; for when I asked him if he had + had much practice this season, he answered, the while he wrung + the water from his garments, that "he'd only seen it done, and + it looked easy." We managed, however, by dint of banging on to + other people's boats, to get along very well, until an + ill-judged "shove" sent us right out into the course, just as + <i>the</i> race of the day was coming along. I am not quite + clear as to what then took place; only I know that everything + was "fouled." KITTY'S husband, who had a bet on, was furious, + and glared at me for the rest of the day—a condition of + things I pretended not to see. That night we had a rat-hunt on + board, but we lost the animal, as LUCY diverted our attention + by falling into the river. It was most inconvenient of her, as + she wetted our mutual sleeping apartment dreadfully.</p> + + <p>The second day was almost a <i>replica</i> of the first, + varied only by KITTY'S husband fancying he had a sunstroke. The + third and last <span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" + id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> day was, however, not the + success we could have wished. During the night the weather + turned hot, and the food turned—well, not + good,—and next morning the obligatory sacrifice to + Father Thames was appalling. Then when the necessary viands + did not arrive from London, I in my capacity of + "professional guest," and of being always ready for any + emergency, volunteered to forage in Henley town. Oh! that + expedition. I fought at the fishmonger's, battled at the + butcher's and baker's, grovelled at the grocer's, and + finally ended by committing a theft at the butterman's. The + number of our visitors was large, and was much augmented by + friends' friends, who came in battalions. It may have been + the extra weight on board, or it may be that the hunted rat + had designed a base revenge, but during lunch, and just as + KITTY'S husband was beginning to be genial, an odd idea + seized me that the river was rising. Yes! And the bank + behind us was rising too. And gracious! the water was + flowing over the little promenade place, and running about + the floor of the saloon; and then the <i>Goldfields</i> gave + a lurch and a shiver, and settled down in the mud, with a + foot-and-a-half of dirty water downstairs, and nothing but + the roof left us to perch upon.</p> + + <p>How we ever recovered our belongings I don't know. All I + remember is, being taken to the station in an old green wherry, + and coming back to town seventeen in a second-class carriage. + My last view of the wreck embraced KITTY, propped up against + the railing of the roof, and making tea on a table, which + looked more like tipping over than standing straight. KITTY'S + husband was muttering to himself as he handed round the cups; + and, as I moved off through the crush of boats, I fancied I + caught the word "JONAH." Of course I may have been mistaken, as + my name is not that, but</p> + + <p>THE ODD GIRL OUT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ODE TO MONEY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Poptimist.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hair that is golden grows olden,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hopes that are golden decay;</p> + + <p>Suns that are bright, and embolden</p> + + <p class="i2">The tourist to go on his way,</p> + + <p>Leaving his gingham tight folden,</p> + + <p class="i2">Turn to a drizzling grey.</p> + + <p>But gold of the Mint is all-golden,</p> + + <p class="i2">Safe in the strictest assay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Cynics may rail against money,</p> + + <p class="i2">Spurn its beneficent power;</p> + + <p>Bears spurn impossible honey,</p> + + <p class="i2">Foxes the grapes that are sour.</p> + + <p>Men, who can never be funny,</p> + + <p class="i2">Scoff at the funny man's dower;</p> + + <p>Lands where it seldom is sunny</p> + + <p class="i2">Find little praise for a flower.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When a man's safe at his bankers,</p> + + <p class="i2">What does it mean, let us + think—</p> + + <p>Freedom from care and its cankers,</p> + + <p class="i2">Plenty of victuals and drink?</p> + + <p>Nay, but it opens the garden</p> + + <p class="i2">Of tender illusion and joy,</p> + + <p>Where faults find immediate pardon,</p> + + <p class="i2">And worrying ways don't annoy.</p> + + <p>In the light of futurity's favours</p> + + <p class="i2">Fair gratitude burgeons amain,</p> + + <p>And the flittermouse Love never wavers</p> + + <p class="i2">In truth to the Psyche of gain.</p> + + <p>Bountiful Money! 'Twill make you</p> + + <p class="i2">Worthy in manners and birth;</p> + + <p>Beauty for better will take you</p> + + <p class="i2">(Little as that may be worth),</p> + + <p>Hosts by the hand kindly shake you,</p> + + <p>Crowds, when you wish to be funny,</p> + + <p>Mind doing homage to Money,</p> + + <p class="i2">Laugh with inordinate mirth.</p> + + <p class="i2">Sages and moralists blame thee,</p> + + <p class="i2">Stoics stand gloomy above thee,</p> + + <p class="i2">Preachers with obloquy name thee,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hermits and anchorites shame thee,</p> + + <p>But symbol of all that is sunny,</p> + + <p>Coy, courteous, flattering Money,</p> + + <p>I love thee, I love thee, I love thee!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!"</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Open Letter to Somebody.</i>)</h4> + + <p>DEAR NOBLE CORRESPONDENT TO THE <i>TIMES</i>,—We see + that you are doing your best to defend the proposed destruction + of the Lincoln's Inn Gateway in Chancery Lane. In the course of + your exertions, you have been not too civil to several worthy + persons, and inaccurate in your description of the Society of + Antiquaries. Now, do take our advice. We know you were a clever + "Silk" when you practised at the Bar, and we have heard that + your forefathers (for a generation or so) were excellent hands + at Banking; but, in the name of Lombard Street, do let + Archæology alone!</p> + + <p>With the best of wishes,</p> + + <p>Yours sincerely,</p> + + <p>(<i>Signed</i>) EVERYBODY.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHANCE FOR BUYERS.—Last week, among the Tuesday's + arrangements in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, was + announced:—"Bath Horse Show." Did this include "Bath + Towel-Horse Show?" Fine chance for sporting Mr. BLUNDEL MAPLE. + M.P., as a Towel-Horse dealer. "Great Towel-Horse Show in + Tottenham Court Road!" The sale of yearlings and the pedigrees + would be interesting.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/39.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/39.png" + alt="Two women conversing" /></a> + + <h3>LATEST INTELLIGENCE.</h3> + + <p>"BY THE WAY, WHERE <i>IS</i> THAT PLACE, HELIGOLAND, + THEY'RE ALL TALKING SO MUCH ABOUT?"</p> + + <p>"OH—DON'T YOU KNOW, DEAR? IT'S ONE OF THE PLACES + LATELY DISCOVERED BY MR. STANLEY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE TOMATO-CURE FOR DYSPEPSIA.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Don't talk to me of colocynth or famed cerulean + pill,</p> + + <p>Don't mention hyoscyamus or aloes when I'm ill;</p> + + <p>The very word podophyllin is odious in mine + ears,</p> + + <p>The thought of all the drugs I've ta'en calls up the + blinding tears;</p> + + <p>The Demon of Dyspepsia, a sufferer writes to + say,</p> + + <p>At sight of the Tomato-plant will vanish quite + away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Faculty will diet you till indigestion + stops,</p> + + <p>On what have always seemed to me interminable + slops;</p> + + <p>A dainty dish is sure to be the worst thing you can + eat;</p> + + <p>The bismuth and the charcoal come like nightmares + after meat.</p> + + <p>Away with all restrictions now, bring mutton, beef, + and veal,</p> + + <p>As long as ripe Tomatoes come to supplement a + meal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hepatic action, doctors say, is very hard to + start,</p> + + <p>And if you have too much of it, that also makes you + smart;</p> + + <p>And so the fate of many folks, especially in + town,</p> + + <p>Is first to stir the liver up, and then to calm him + down.</p> + + <p>Now he can trouble us no more, although we go the + pace;</p> + + <p>A diet of Tomatoes keeps the tyrant in his + place.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Away with deleterious drugs, for here's a plant been + found,</p> + + <p>Worth all the weird concoctions that dispensers can + compound:</p> + + <p>Get fresh Tomatoes, red and ripe, and slice and eat, + and then—</p> + + <p>You'll find that you are liver-less, and not like + other men.</p> + + <p>Come ye who dire dyspepsia's pangs impatiently + endure,</p> + + <p>It cannot hurt, and may do good, this new + Tomato-Cure.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SWEETS TO THE ACID.—In an excellent speech, last week, + Mr. HENRY IRVING suggested that a Charitable Organisation + Society should be established for the Distribution of Art + Relief. He rightly contended that the Beautiful was as + necessary to perfect happiness as the Severely Useful. Drains + (excellent things in their way) are scarcely on a level with + Pictures. This is an idea that the so-called "goody-goody folk" + find a difficulty in accepting; possibly because most of them + personally represent everything that is unlovely.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" + id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span> + + <h2>"WAX TO RECEIVE, AND MARBLE TO RETAIN."</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/40.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40.png" + alt="Spoon threatens egg" /></a>"Whacks to Receive." + </div> + + <p>According to an evening paper, the wedding-present of + Colonel GOURAUD to a distinguished couple took the novel and + charming form of a phonograph, recording, for all time, the + musical portion of the marriage ceremony. In all probability, + this precedent will be widely followed, and a set of waxen + phonographic cylinders will be a familiar feature in the list + of presents at every wedding of any pretensions to smartness. + Still, there <i>may</i> be cases in which those who intend to + imitate Colonel GOURAUD'S example would do well to consider + first whether the conditions are equally appropriate. For + instance, young JACK RIVENLUTE is not a bad fellow, though he + may not be given to sentiment, and VIOLA MANDOLINE is a very + charming girl, if she <i>is</i> apt to be a trifle high-flown + and exacting at times. When they marry—(they have not + even met at present, but they <i>will</i> marry, the year after + next, unless <i>Mr. Punch's</i> Own Second-sighted Seer grossly + deceives himself)—when they marry, VIOLA'S Uncle JOHN + will be the person to present them with the then orthodox + phonograph and appurtenances. But if he could foresee the + future as distinctly as <i>Mr. Punch's</i> Seer has done in the + following prophetic visions, he might substitute a biscuit-box, + or a fish-slice and fork, a Tantalus spirit-case, or even a + dumb-waiter, as likely, on the whole, to inspire a more + permanent gratitude.</p> + + <h3>FIRST ANNIVERSARY—say, in 1893.</h3> + + <h4>SCENE—<i>A charming drawing-room.</i> + TIME—<i>About 9:30 P.M.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>Mr. RIVENLUTE <i>is on a chair by the open window</i>; + Mrs. RIVENLUTE <i>on a low stool by his side</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> (<i>for the fiftieth time</i>). I can't + <i>ever</i> thank you <i>nearly</i> enough for this + <i>lovely</i> ring, JACK dear!</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>rather gruffly</i>). Oh, it's all right, + Pussy. Glad you like it, I'm sure. Do they mean to bring in the + lamps? It's pitch dark.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> I'll ring presently—not just yet. It + was so <i>dear</i> of you to remember what day it was!</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>who only just remembered it in time, as he + was driving home</i>). Been a brute if I hadn't!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> You <i>couldn't</i> be a brute, JACK, if you + tried—not to <i>me.</i> I'm so glad we haven't got to go + out anywhere to-night, aren't <i>you</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>heartily</i>). Rather! Beastly bore turning + out after dinner. What on earth are you up to over there?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> (<i>who has risen, and has apparently been + winding up some instrument in the corner—as she + returns</i>). Oh, it's only something I wanted to do this + evening.... Now, JACK, listen!</p> + + <p>[<i>The phonograph begins to click and whirr.</i></p> + + <p><i>Jack</i>. That beastly cat in the room again! Turn it out + quick—it's going to be ill.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> (<i>laughing a little hysterically</i>). + No—no, JACK, it isn't poor Snowball this time! Wait, and + you will hear something.</p> + + <p>[<i>The "Voice that Breathed o'er Eden" is suddenly rendered + by an organ and full choir: the remarks of two choristers (who + are having a little difference over a hymn-book), and the + subdued sniffs of MRS. MANDOLINE, being distinctly audible + between the verses.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> (<i>breaking down</i>). Oh, JACK, isn't it + beautiful? Wasn't it <i>sweet</i> of Uncle JOHN to give it to + us!</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>who, privately, would have infinitely + preferred a small cheque</i>). Yes—he's a good old buffer + at bottom.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> He's a perfect old <i>love</i>! Tell me, + JACK, you're not <i>sorry</i> you married me, <i>are</i> + you?</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> What a thing to ask a fellow Of <i>course</i> + I'm not!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> (<i>softly</i>). Do you know, JACK, I'm + sometimes sorry I married <i>you</i>, though.</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>uneasily</i>). Come, I <i>say</i>, you + know—what on earth for?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> Because I should like to marry you all over + again!... Ah, I <i>knew</i> I should frighten you! (<i>The + final "Amen" of the Choir dies away, amid the coughing, + rustling, and nasal trumpeting of last year's + Congregation.</i>) There are some more cylinders, + JACK—shall we put them in next?</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>who feels sufficiently solemnised</i>). + Well, if you ask me, I think they'll keep till next year. Pity + to disturb the effect of that last, eh?</p> + + <h3>SECOND ANNIVERARY—1894.</h3> + + <h4><i>Same Scene and Time. Mrs. RIVENLUTE discovered + alone</i>.</h4> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> He might at <i>least</i> have made + <i>some</i> allusion to the day—it would have been only + <i>decent</i>! He can't possibly have <i>forgotten</i>! I don't + know, though, very likely he has.... Well, <i>I'm</i> not going + to remind him! I suppose he means to stay downstairs, smoking, + as usual, all the evening. Oh, if I could only make him ashamed + of himself just <i>once</i>!... <i>I</i> know! Uncle JOHN'S + phonograph! He can't help hearing <i>that</i>. (<i>She winds it + up, as JACK R. enters, yawning.</i>) Dear me, this <i>is</i> an + unexpected honour. (<i>Softening slightly.</i>) Have you come + up to keep me company—for once?</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> Well, to tell you the truth, my dear, I fancy I + left the evening paper here. An, there it is.</p> + + <p>[<i>He seizes it, and prepares to go.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> You can read it here, if you <i>like</i>, you + know—I don't mind your smoking.</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> Thanks—but it's cosier in the study.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> Of course I know that any place where I don't + happen to be is cosier in <i>your</i> opinion.</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> Oh, hang it, don't begin all that + again—there, <i>I</i>'ll stay! (<i>He chooses a + comfortable chair.</i>) What the doose is that?</p> + + <p>[<i>The phonograph has begun to buzz and hum.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> Hush!—it's Uncle JOHN'S present.</p> + + <p>[<i>The "Wedding March" strikes up with a deafening + blare.</i></p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>startled</i>). Bless my soul! I thought + something had blown up. "<i>Hallelujah Chorus</i>," is + it—or what?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> (<i>coldly</i>). As it happens, it is + MENDELSSOHN'S "<i>Wedding March.</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> Sounded familiar somehow. 'Jove! MENDELSSOHN + was determined to let 'em know <i>he</i> was married!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> That was intended to let people know + <i>we</i> were married. It is our Wedding March.</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> Ours? You said it was <i>MENDELSSOHN'S</i> just + now! But what are you turning it on <i>now</i>, for?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> Do you remember what day this is, by any + chance?</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> Haven't an idea. Isn't there a calendar on your + writing-table?—that ought to tell you, if you want to + know.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> Thank you, <i>I</i> don't require a calendar. + To-day is the twenty-third—the day you and I were + married. [<i>Sighs.</i></p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> 'Pon my word I believe you're right. The + twenty-third—so it is! [<i>He becomes silent.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> (<i>to herself, as the "Wedding March" + continues jubilantly</i>). He <i>is</i> ashamed of himself. I + <i>knew</i> he would be—only he doesn't quite know how to + tell me so; he will presently.... I wish I could see his + face.... If he is only sorry enough, I <i>think</i> I shall + forgive him. JACK! (<i>Softly.</i>) JACK dear! (<i>A prolonged + snore from the arm-chair. She goes to him and touches his + arm.</i>) You had better go down-stairs and have your cigar, + hadn't you? It may keep you awake! (<i>Bitterly.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>opening his eyes</i>). Eh?—oh! Well, + if you're sure you don't mind being alone, I rather think I + will.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> I should infinitely <i>prefer</i> being + alone—I am so used to it.</p> + + <p>[<i>Exit JACK, as the "Wedding March" comes to a triumphant + conclusion.</i></p> + + <h3>THIRD ANNIVERSARY—1895.</h3> + + <h4><i>Same Scene. Time, 11:30 P.M. Mrs. MANDOLINE discovered + with her Daughter.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> Nearly twelve, and JACK not in yet—on + this of all days, too! VIOLA, you will be weak, <i>culpably</i> + weak, if you don't speak to him, very seriously, when he + <i>does</i> come in.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> (<i>ruefully</i>). I <i>can't</i>, Mother. + We're not on speaking terms just now, you know.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> Then I <i>shall</i>. Fortunately, <i>I</i> am + on speaking terms with him—as he will find out! (<i>A + ring.</i>) There he is, at last! Go, my poor darling, leave me + to bring him to a sense of his disgraceful conduct. (<i>Mrs. R. + retires by the back drawing-room.</i>) How shall I begin? Ah, + poor JOHN'S phonograph! How lucky <i>I</i> remembered it! + (<i>Selecting a cylinder.</i>) There, if <i>anything</i> can + pierce his hard heart, <i>that</i> will!</p> + + <p>[<i>Winds up machine, which breaks into a merry marriage + peal as JACK enters in evening dress.</i></p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>sullenly</i>). Now just look here, + VIOLA—(<i>recognising Mrs. M.</i>) Hullo, the Mum!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> (<i>raising her voice above the clamour</i>). + Mum no longer, Sir. Do you hear those bells?</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i>. <i>Do I hear those bells?</i> Am I deaf? The + whole Parish can hear them, I should think!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M.</i> I don't care if they do. I want to touch your + conscience, if I can, and I still hope—bad as you + are—that when the voices of those bells—so long + silent—rung in anticipation of such a very different + future—fall upon your ear once more, they may—</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>with a sardonic laugh</i>). "So long + silent!" I like that. Sorry to disappoint you, my dear Mamma, + but that phonograph, as a domestic stimulant, was played out + long ago—it has played <i>me</i> out often enough! + Perhaps you don't know it, but really VIOLA has rather overdone + it. Whenever we have a tiff, she sets the "<i>Voice from + Eden</i>" at me; if she chooses to consider herself ill-used, I + am treated to a preserved echo of our marriage vows, and the + Bishop's address; when she is in the sulks, I get the + congratulations in the vestry; and if ever I grumble at the + weekly bills, it's drowned in the "<i>Wedding March</i>!" As + for your precious bells, I can't dine with a man at the Club + without hearing the confounded things pealing out the moment I + let myself in. That infernal phonograph, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" + id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> which you seem to fondly + imagine will make me burst into tears, and live happy ever + after, has driven me out of the house many a time when I was + willing enough to stay at home; but to be put through one's + wedding ceremony three times a week is enough to send any + fellow to the Club, or out of his mind. I'd smash the + d——d thing with pleasure, only it seems to + afford VI some consolation. I can't say I find it soothing + myself.</p> + + <p>[<i>Before Mr. MANDOLINE can think of a suitable reply, Mrs. + R. enters from the inner room, where she has remained till now. + She is carrying a small steel poker, which she silently places + in the hand of her astonished husband.</i></p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> Hullo! <i>you</i> here? What's <i>this</i> + for?</p> + + <p>[<i>Staring blankly at the poker.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mrs. R.</i> (<i>meekly</i>). To—to smash the + d——d thing with.</p> + + <p>[<i>The marriage peal ceases abruptly, as Mrs. MANDOLINE, + comparatively reassured, discreetly leaves the couple to come + to a better understanding without further assistance.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING OFFICE.</h2> + + <p><i>The Gentlewoman</i>, No. 1, has appeared. It gives, or + rather sells, an overwhelming lot for the money, which is + sixpence. Sixpenn'orth of all sorts. Plenty of readable + information. Illustrations not the best feature in it. Crowds + of advertisements. The <i>menus</i>, if carefully sustained, + may prove very useful to those who "dinna ken." As to the type + of <i>The Gentlewoman</i>, well, the first picture is of Her + Imperial Majesty the QUEEN, and with this type of the + Gentlewoman we shall all be satisfied, <i>dicit</i> BARONIUS DE + BOOK-WORMS.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/41-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41-1.png" + alt="Queen Victoria" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"What a sight o' Books!" cries the Baron, remembering the + clever Parrot who uttered a similar exclamation at a Parrot + Competition. First, here is <i>Blossom Land and Fallen + Leaves</i>, by CLEMENT SCOTT, published by HUTCHINSON & + CO., which is an interesting and useful book to those who are + able to take a holiday in Cromer, and marvel at the sunset, and + notice how "in the far distance a couple of lovers advance + towards the fading light"—I'll be bound that deeply + engaged couple didn't catch sight of the "chiel takin' + notes"—and how did <i>he</i> know for certain they were a + couple of lovers? Why not brother and sister? Why not husband + and wife? Why not uncle and aunt?—but with an experienced + eye the canny SCOTT made a pretty shrewd guess—and it is + a pleasant companion, is this book, to those who cannot visit + Cromer, or any of the other places mentioned in <i>Blossom + Land</i>, and who reading it at home will only wish they could + do so, and will promptly make arrangements for paying (the + "paying" <i>is</i> the difficult part) a visit not only to + Cromer but also to Caen, Etretat, Cabourg,—carefully + noting C.S.'s account of his "cruise upon wheels," and his + sensible remarks on Parisianising these otherwise tranquil + resorts. From Havre to Hammersmith is a bit of a jump, but it + is from a bustling port to a peaceful spot—"a Harbour of + Refuge" at Nazareth, where the Baron sincerely trusts the good + Little Sisters of the Poor are no longer Poor-rated £120 + per annum, just by way of parochial encouragement, I suppose, + to other charitable persons for relieving the parish "of an + incubus of four hundred." The work of these self-sacrificing + women cannot be over-rated in one sense, but in the parochial + sense (if parochials have any) they can hardly be rated enough. + Really a delightful book for all comers and goers.</p> + + <p>"What have we here?" inquires the Baron—<i>Seven + Summers, An Eton Medley, by the Editors of the Parachute and + Present Etonian</i>. Now, Heaven forgive my ignorance, but I + have never seen the <i>Parachute</i> nor the <i>Present + Etonian</i>, so without prejudice I dip into this book, and am + at once much interested and amused by a paper "On Getting Up." + Not "getting up" linen, or "getting up lessons," but getting up + in the morning, ever a hard-worker's hardest task. It will + remind many a middle-aged Etonian of the days when he was very + young, and early school was very early. "The Inner Man" is + another amusing paper, and forty years has made no alteration + in the "sock-cad." American slang has evidently tinged Etonian + style. "What in the name of purple thunder," and "in the name + of spotted Moses," and so forth, are Americanisms, and the tone + of these two smart Etonian writers has a certain Yankee ring in + it. Why not leave this sort of thing to MARK TWAIN, BRET HARTE + & CO., who are past masters of their own native slang? + <i>Seven Summers</i> will interest and amuse Etonians of all + ages.</p> + + <p>And here, attracted by a quaintly-designed cover, the Baron + takes up <i>Ballads from Punch, and other Poems</i>, by WARHAM + ST. LEGER, published by DAVID STOTT. That a considerable number + of these have appeared in <i>Mr. Punch's</i> pages, by whose + kind permission they are reprinted, is quite sufficient + guarantee for their excellence. <i>The Lay of the Lost Critic, + The Plaint of the Grand Piano</i>, are capital specimens of the + author's humour, and <i>Christmas Eve</i> of his true pathos. + No influence of American humour visible in any of these. As a + rule, the Baron doesn't recommend betting, but advises his + readers to go in for this St. Leger.</p> + + <p>The contents of <i>The Universal Review</i> this month are + varied, interesting, but not sensational. The article on + Westminster Abbey, by FREDERICK GEORGE LEE, D.D., with its + humorous notes and observations, will have a charm for many + readers, and so will that on the painter BERNADINO LUINI. The + novel entitled, <i>The Wages of Sin</i>, is now at the first + chapter of the fifth book, and there is an illustration + representing a lady in a Victoria pulling up in Waterloo Place. + Underneath is the legend—"She leaned forward smiling, + beckoning as the Victoria drew up against the curb." First, she + is not leaning forward; secondly, she doesn't appear to be + "smiling;" thirdly, she doesn't seem to be "beckoning;" and, + fourthly, though the horse is being pulled back, probably on + the "curb," yet, if the author means that the carriage is being + pulled up against the pavement, then why didn't he say so, and + write it "kerb?" I like being a trifle hypercritical just now + and then, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN INTERNATIONAL HERO.</h2> + + <p>There has been recently a discussion in <i>The World</i> as + to where <i>Cox and Box</i> (for which Sir ARTHUR wrote some of + his best music) first saw the light. It was decided in favour + of the Librettist at whose residence the Triumviretta was given + privately, in presence of a distinguished audience. But there + was one person who might have given invaluable evidence, and + that was <i>Box</i> himself. Why did he not step forward? Where + was he? The explanation is given in the Paris <i>Figaro</i> of + Thursday, July 17:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"M. Box, le nouveau Ministre d'Haïti à + Paris, a été reçu hier matin + par</p> + + <p>le Président de la République."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Of course, Cox will receive an appointment. Perhaps M. Box + banks at Cox's. Will Sergeant-Major BOUNCER be gazetted to the + Hayti'eth Regiment? Whatever may be in store for these immortal + personages, it is satisfactory to know that, for the present, + <i>Box</i> at least is provided for. It was like his true + British nature not to disguise his identity under some such + gallicised form of his name as BOITE, or LOGE. There is, + perhaps, no surname in our language so truly national as + <i>Box</i>. "JOHN BOX" might well be substituted for "JOHN + BULL." It is characteristic of our British pugilism. <i>Vive M. + Box!</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN THE KNOW.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/41-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Various events are approaching, and it is only fair that I + should give the readers of this journal the benefit of my + advice and my opinions. In good time I shall have something to + say about Goodwood—something that will make the + palæolithic cauliflower-headed dispensers of buncombe and + bombast sit up and curse the day on which fate allowed them to + be born. There are some who profess to attach importance to the + goose-billed mouthings and vapourings of the butter-brained + crew who follow in the wake of the most notorious professor of + humbugging pomposity that even this age, rich as it is in + putty-faced impostors, has ever produced. Well, let them. For + my own part I follow the advice of the French King to the + beautiful Marquise DE CENTAMOURS. "<i>Sire</i>," the + <i>Marquise</i> is reported to have said, "<i>quelle heure + est-il?</i>" To which the witty monarch at once replied, + "<i>Madame, si vous avez besoin de savoir l'heure, allez done + la demander au premier gendarme?</i>" The story may be found + with others in the lately published memoirs of Madame DE + SANSFAÇON. In a similar spirit I answer those who pester + me about horses.</p> + + <p>I understand that <i>Barrister Bill</i>, + <i>Sidesplitter</i>, and <i>Fiery Harry</i>, showed up + excellently at Newmarket last week. I have always prophesied + well of these three splendid animals, who take their feeds as + regularly, and with as much gusto as they gallop a mile on + heather when the barometer points to set fair. At the same time + I consider that only a papoose, made of string and sawdust, + would give more than £10,000 for any one of them.</p> + + <p>Complaints have reached me that some of my remarks have + given pain in an exalted quarter. It is the common lot of those + who are honest to be misunderstood, and, for myself, I wish to + claim no exemption from the rule. My one aim is to benefit my + readers, and to advance truth. For this I would sacrifice the + smiles of Courts, and incur the shallow sneers of the + grovelling, chowder-headed horde of flunkeys who sit in high + places. My work bears witness to my merit. Need I say more?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" + id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/42.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/42.png" + alt="Ball-room dancers" /></a> + + <h3>SERIOUS BALL-ROOM FLIRTATIONS.</h3> + + <p><i>Lord Algernon</i>. "I CAN SAFELY RECOMMEND OUR + TUSSORE SILKS, MRS. GREEN. <i>WON'T</i> YOU GIVE THEM A + TRIAL? WE ALLOW A DISCOUNT OF FIFTEEN PER CENT, FOR CASH, + YOU KNOW."</p> + + <p><i>Sir Reginald</i>. "NOW <i>DO</i> LET ME SEND YOU A + COUPLE OF DOZEN OF OUR EXTRA DRY CHAMPAGNE AT SEVENTY-TWO + SHILLINGS, DEAR LADY MIDAS. I'M <i>SURE</i> SIR GORGIUS + WILL LIKE IT."</p> + + <p><i>Captain de la Vere de Vere</i>. "OH, IF I + <i>COULD</i> BUT INDUCE YOU TO GET YOUR HUSBAND TO INSURE + HIS LIFE IN OUR OFFICE, MRS. VAN TRONCK!—THE BONUSES + ARE QUITE EXCEPTIONAL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"TOO MANY COOKS—!"</h2> + + <h3><i>A Bret-Harteish Ballad.</i></h3> + + <h3>MORAL BILL BUTTONS <i>sings</i>:—</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I reside at Greenlands (Henley), and my name is + MORAL BILL;</p> + + <p>I'm a model of well-meaning, which makes up for want + of skill;</p> + + <p>And I'll tell, in simple language, what I know about + the shine</p> + + <p>Which demoralised our kitchen, and which bust up our + Big Dine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But first I would remark that it is not a prudent + plan</p> + + <p>For any culinary gent to flout his fellow-man;</p> + + <p>And, if a colleague can't agree with his peculiar + whim,</p> + + <p>To wait on that same colleague, and trip up the + heels of him.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now nothing could be nicer, or more beautiful to + see.</p> + + <p>Than the first three years' proceedings of our Cooks + (and we had three),</p> + + <p>Till JOACHIM (of Goshen) made a dish (of devilled + bones),</p> + + <p>Which he flaunted in the face of ARTHUR B. with + swelling tones.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then ARTHUR made an <i>entrée</i>; he + constructed it with care,</p> + + <p>And he vowed that e'en APICIUS would have owned it + rich and rare.</p> + + <p>And when JOACHIM protested that "soup first" was a + fixed rule,</p> + + <p>ARTHUR B. insinuated that his colleague was a + mule.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then he smiled a languid smile; sneering was + ARTHUR'S fault,</p> + + <p>And he had one squirmy snigger which was worse than + an assault.</p> + + <p>He was a most sarcastic man, this languid ARTHUR + B.,</p> + + <p>And he aimed at being <i>Chef</i>, which JOKIM said + was fiddlededee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now I hold it's not the duty of a culinary gent</p> + + <p>To say his colleague is a Moke—at least to all + intent;</p> + + <p>Nor should the individual who happens to be + meant</p> + + <p>Reply by chucking crockery to any great extent.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then Number Three Cook tried to raise an ill-done + <i>rôti</i>, when</p> + + <p>He tripped o'er ARTHUR'S heels, and fell upon his + abdomen;</p> + + <p>And presently the various <i>plats</i> were mingled + on the floor;</p> + + <p>And the subsequent proceedings let us draw a curtain + o'er.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For in less time than I write it every Cooky dropped + his dish,</p> + + <p>And our <i>menu</i> was as mucked as our worst enemy + could wish;</p> + + <p>And the way those Cookies chivied in their anger was + a sin,</p> + + <p>And the only dinner left 'em was the + cheese—which <i>I</i> took in.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And this is all I have to say concerning this sad + spill;</p> + + <p>For I live at Greenlands (Henley), and my name is + Moral BILL;</p> + + <p>And I've told in simple language all I know about + the shine</p> + + <p>That demoralised our kitchen, and upset the year's + Big Dine!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A SWEET HOME FOR NANCY.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—The other evening, wishing to enjoy a + little music, I went to the Lyric Theatre, and found that the + opera chosen for performance was called <i>Sweet Nancy</i>, + founded upon a novel with some similar title by Miss RHODA + BROUGHTON. The prettiest tune I heard was one that I fancy had + been played before, and my belief is the stronger as Mr. HENRY + NEVILLE referred to it as "a dear old song." It had to do with + "<i>Darby and Joan</i>," and reminded me of J.L. MOLLOY'S + delightful song with that title. The rest of the music was not + very striking. Even to those who hold that the plot of an Opera + is only of secondary importance, <i>Sweet Nancy</i> could not + have appeared to be exactly teeming with incidents. However, it + was very nicely played by Miss HUGHES, and that now mature + Lancashire Lad, the aforesaid HENRY NEVILLE. Without declaring + that I should like to see it every evening for a thousand years + (which I believe is a <i>façon de parler</i> even in + China), I certainly could sit it out again. If I wished to be a + fault-finder I should say that the piece is too long, and seems + all the longer because some of the characters are supposed to + represent schoolboys, and a girl of thirteen. The adapter is + Mr. BUCHANAN—a poet and a playwright. This gentleman, I + believe, has made many other pieces (more or less) his own, + with (more or less) success. He seems to have a knack of + turning old plays into new ones. I live in hope that when I + next visit this great Metropolis I shall find that he has + re-written the <i>School for Scandal</i>, and brought + <i>Hamlet</i> up to date.</p> + + <p>Yours always, A CRITIC FROM THE COUNTRY.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" + id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/43.png" + alt="Too many cooks" /></a> + + <h3>"TOO MANY COOKS—!"</h3>THE PAGE-BOY (W.H. SM-TH). + "AT ANY RATE, I'VE SAVED THE <i>CHEESE</i>!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" + id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + + <h2>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/45-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45-1.png" + alt="Hanging committee" /></a>The Hanging Committee. + </div> + + <p><i>Monday to Saturday</i>.—Nothing particular this + week. Second July Meeting at Newmarket took a lot of people + away, and the thunder, hail and rain frightened a lot more away + on Thursday, so may as well discuss <i>Esmeralda</i>, which I + hadn't time to do last week. Rather a mixed affair to start + with when you have a French <i>libretto</i>, set by an English + Composer, and played at the Royal Italian Opera, Covent Garden. + No matter. A big success for everyone concerned, from + DRURIOLANUS downwards. No one could have wished for a better + <i>Esmeralda</i> than Madame MELBA, though she did not make the + most of that first charming song, "<i>L'Hirondelle</i>." One + Swallow, however, doesn't make an Opera, and Madame MELBA soon + pulled herself together, and threw herself into the work when + she saw Mons. JEAN DE RESZKÉ, as <i>Phoebus</i>, winning + fresh laurels.</p> + + <p>The <i>Quasimodo</i> of M. DUFRICHE, of the Vibrato school, + was dramatically good, but not great; but <i>Claude Frollo</i> + was both great and good. These two have been defrauded of their + rights by the undramatic Librettist, who has done about as + little as possible with the excellent materials at his command. + What a scene might have been the final one between + <i>Quasimodo</i> and <i>Claude</i>, when <i>Claude Frollo</i> + is pitched over the battlements. I forget what becomes of + <i>Quasi</i>; but if he stabs himself, or is stabbed, that + would be quite sufficient for dramatic justice and effect. + Then, of course, the absurd ceremony used by <i>Clopin</i>, and + the real unwillingness of <i>Esmeralda</i> to become + <i>Gringoire's</i> wife, would dispose of the marriage, unless + <i>Gringoire</i> were previously got rid of (for I don't + remember how the novel ends) and <i>Esmeralda</i> would be + united to <i>Phoebus</i>, while <i>Fleur-de-Lys</i> could marry + <i>De Chevreuse</i>, or anybody else.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/45-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45-2.png" + alt="A proper ending" /></a> + + <h3>HOW IT OUGHT TO HAVE ENDED.</h3>Mr. Justice Butt + pronounces a decree of divorce. Phoebus marries Esmeralda. + Claude Frollo is smashed, and Quasimodo is stabbed. + </div> + + <p>The Goat, too, has a wretched part: to be left out after the + first scene is too bad. Something might have been done with + him, if he had only been put into a chaise; but perhaps + <i>Esmeralda</i> and <i>Phoebus</i> reserve him for further use + in the course of a couple of years or so, when <i>Djali</i>, + drawing a goat-chaise containing a little <i>Esmeralda</i> and + a little <i>Phoebus</i>, followed by a nurse and Papa and + Mamma, would make a sensation at some fashionable seaside + resort.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/45-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45-3.png" + alt="The Goat" /></a><i>The Goat</i>. "I ought to have + the second principal part in this Opera. If they don't + produce <i>Dinorah</i>, I shall give notice. Too bad + of Goring Thomas. If I see him alone I'll show him + what 'Butting' Thomas is." + </div> + + <p>Mons. MONTARIOL played and sang well as <i>Gringoire</i>, + and Mons. WINOGRADOFF was most artistic as <i>Clopin</i>, + Amusing to see Mons. LASSALLE as <i>Claude Frollo</i>, + melodramatically hiding behind the window-curtains, just as + <i>Phoebus</i> enters the room followed by <i>Esmeralda</i>. So + evidently was the curtain shaken, that <i>Phoebus</i> would + most certainly have detected the sneak, or he might have asked + <i>Esmeralda</i>, "What's that?" and have asserted his belief + that it could not possibly be the cat, but he might have + accepted her explanation had she informed him that it was the + Goat. What a chance here lost for a situation of the Goat + behind curtains butting <i>Claude Frollo</i>! However, it was + all "purtendin'," and JEAN DE RESZKÉ as <i>Phoebus</i> + didn't see what he would most certainly have noticed + immediately had he been himself. Magnificently got up; + <i>mise-en-scène</i> excellent; band and chorus all that + could be wished.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BULLY FOR THE COLONEL!</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The Hon. Member had availed himself of the privilege + accorded to Members of Parliament in debate to fire a + shameful barbed arrow at Colonel CADDELL, in order that + some of the mud might stick."—<i>Colonel Saunderson + in the House of Commons</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come, listen to my story: it's a sort of + shilling-shock tale,</p> + + <p>With no end of fire and fury, and a modicum of + blood,</p> + + <p>And a Colonel who mixed metaphors as Yankees mix a + cocktail,</p> + + <p>And a quiverful of arrows, shameful arrows, barbed + with mud.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was DILLON who had used them, and he spoke of + Tipperary,</p> + + <p>Tipperary new and rentless, where the tenants have + combined.</p> + + <p>And the Parnellites were gathered like the chicks of + Mother CAREY,</p> + + <p>When they feel the tempest rising, and give warning + of the wind.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the pale and angry Tories sat impatient of the + battle.</p> + + <p>And the benches of the Commons, where they love a + fight, grew full;</p> + + <p>And, although they knew 'twas better not to hurry + people's cattle,</p> + + <p>They implored their fiery Colonel to oblige them + with a bull.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the Colonel needs no prompting, straight rises + to address them,</p> + + <p>And his eye now flames in fury, and now twinkles + like a star;</p> + + <p>And he turned on Mr. PARNELL'S men, and didn't + rightly bless them,</p> + + <p>This flashing, dashing, slashing <i>militaire</i> + from North Armagh.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And before a man could whistle there were ructions + and denials,</p> + + <p>Shouts and countershouts of anger—quite a + House of Commons scene;</p> + + <p>While the Colonel, who had bottled all his wrath, + poured out the vials</p> + + <p>On the heads of Irish gentlemen whose wigs were on + the green.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas in vain they sought to daunt him; like a flock + of noisy sparrows</p> + + <p>When a hawk comes grimly swooping, or like moths + that tempt the wick,</p> + + <p>So they scattered when the Colonel told the House of + shameful arrows,</p> + + <p>Which were fired (I quote the Colonel) in the hope + that mud might stick.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Sir BOYLE, the ever famous, smelt a rat (you've + heard the story)—</p> + + <p>Saw it floating in the air, he promptly nipped it in + the bud;</p> + + <p>But I think our modern Colonel gets the greater + share of glory</p> + + <p>For inventing shameful arrows that could only + spatter mud.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And, oh, ye sons of Erin, when the coat-tails next + are trailing,</p> + + <p>Make your weapons on this pattern, think of + SAUNDERSON, his bull;</p> + + <p>And no mother's son will suffer, though the missiles + should come hailing,</p> + + <p>If you only use mud-arrows, or shillelaghs made of + wool</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DEVOUT WISH OF IRISH LANDLORDS FOR MR. BALFOUR.—"May + his shadowing never grow less!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" + id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/46.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/46.png" + alt="Figures of speech" /></a> + + <h3>"FIGURES OF SPEECH."</h3><i>Balfour</i> (<i>the + Showman</i>). "NOW, YOU'D LIKE TO SEE SIR WILLIAM V. + HARCOURT IN FOUR REMARKABLE SITUATIONS." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" + id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/47-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-1.png" + alt="T. Harrington" /></a>A New Subscriber to <i>The + Morning Post</i>. + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 14.</i>—Government + again narrowly escaped defeat. Last time it was Ascot; this + time Marlborough House Garden Party. "This Session," says T. + HARRINGTON, "I've taken to subscribing to <i>The Morning + Post</i>; study its fashionable news; look out for arrangements + likely to draw men away from House; then me and SAGE put our + heads together; arrange for Division; take it smart, and + Government left in lurch."</p> + + <p>To-day opportunity found in Motion for Select Committee on + constitution of Scotch Committee. AKERS-DOUGLAS proposed + twenty-one members, all Scotch but one. "Let us have the lot + Scotch," says ROBERTSON; moves Amendment accordingly. House + pretty full, knowing crisis at hand; Government Whips scouting + for Members.</p> + + <p>"Tell you what I'll do," says PENROSE FITZGERALD to + AKERS-DOUGLAS; "I hate garden-parties and that sort of thing, + but as we shall be in a hole if Division now rushed, I'll take + cab, run up to Marlborough House, fetch down some men; + inconvenient, you know; works against grain; would rather be + down here helping you than mingling in glittering throng; but, + as the Governor says, duty is our loadstar; say the word, and + I'll go off to Pall Mall and fetch a lot down."</p> + + <p>"FITZGERALD," said AKERS-DOUGLAS, wringing his hand, "you're + a brick. You always think of the right thing, and are ready to + do it."</p> + + <p>DOUGLAS paused to wipe away tear drawn from his sensitive + glands by this evidence of self-sacrifice. When he'd done it, + looking again at FITZGERALD'S briskly-retreating figure, + couldn't help noting how smartly he was got up; summer pants; + white waistcoat; the short "reefer," familiar in the Lobby, + cast aside for the courtly frock coat; observed him as he + strode forth, producing pair of lavender kid gloves.</p> + + <p>"Odd," said DOUGLAS, reflectively. "FITZGERALD never + expected to go to Garden Party; down here to help me; sudden + emergency, and spirit of self-devotion, suggested to him to run + over, and see what could be done; happy chance to find him, by + exception, in the right rig. It would never have done for him + to rush over to Marlborough House to meet the QUEEN in his + 'reefer.' Curious, when I come to think of it. Hope there's not + more in it than meets the eye."</p> + + <p><i>But there was.</i></p> + + <p>Debate on ROBERTSON'S Amendment abruptly closed; Division + rushed; position of Government critical; AKERS-DOUGLAS + anxiously on look-out for FITZGERALD and the Marlborough House + relief party; but they came not, and on Division Government + saved by skin of teeth and eight votes. An hour later, PENROSE + FITZGERALD returned to Lobby with guilty look; carefully + avoided AKERS-DOUGLAS; that able captain too broken-hearted at + the perfidy to be angry; "NOAH'S dove didn't treat him so," he + said to himself; but all he said to FITZGERALD was, "Pleasant + Party at Marlborough House, I suppose?" "Yee-es," said + FITZGERALD; "rather; couldn't get back quite as soon as I + expected."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Irish Votes in Supply.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/47-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-2.png" + alt="Stuart" /></a>Haste to the Wedding. + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Regular set-to of Irish Members on + Prince ARTHUR. MADDEN gallantly threw himself across body of + his chief, but got such fearful pummelling retired into silence + for rest of sitting. What made it worse for ARTHUR was + Chairman's ruling; pulled him up more than once amid loud + cheers from Opposition. TIM HEALY on war-path; quotes TENNYSON + with odd variation; represents Prince ARTHUR as saying of Irish + Members, "You have not got the pose that marks the cast of VERE + DE VERE." Proceedings occasionally lively; grow a little + monotonous after first five hours. Met STUART hurrying off, + humming to himself the air, "<i>Haste to the Wedding</i>."</p> + + <p>"Aren't you going to stay for division?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"No," said he. "I mustered; strikes only on the box; when + you ask for it, see that you get it; none other genuine. Have + an important engagement to-morrow morning. If you're waking + COLMAN early, COLMAN early, TOBY dear."</p> + + <p>Stared at this incoherent speech; thought at first he was + mad or had dined. Then I remembered that to-morrow, at Norfolk, + he marries Miss COLMAN.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—More Irish Votes.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—<i>E pur si muove</i>; that is to + say, it <i>will</i> move; they'll all move, in spite of + BRAMWELL. London, probably, the only population in the world + that possesses the supernatural patience necessary to submit to + having its movements obstructed by bars and gates put up across + some of its principal thoroughfares. Oddly enough, they + congregate round congeries of Railway Stations in the North. + To-day, ROSEBERY in Lords moves Second Reading of Bill designed + to have them swept away. BRAMWELL protests. "Speaking," he + said, "in name of over two hundred people who live in district + affected by the Bill, I ask your Lordships to reject it." This + too much even for House of Lords. That alleged luxury of two + hundred people should weigh against convenience of the + population of London was a little monstrous. BRAMWELL kept his + countenance admirably. LORD CHANCELLOR looked on + admiringly.</p> + + <p>"That's the man for <i>me</i>, TOBY," he said. "If we could + only have a House of Lords all BRAMWELLS, with me on Woolsack, + we'd make Old England once more a merry spot."</p> + + <p>Rest of House, however, would not enter into joke. MARKISS + admitted that, being a constant passenger by Great Northern + Railway, he generally "said a dam" when passing these gates. + This felt to be a shocking state of things. Gates and bars must + be bundled off, if only to prevent use of bad language by PRIME + MINISTER. BRAMWELL reluctantly admitted this, still pleading + with touching eloquence for preservation of the + obstruction.</p> + + <p>"My Lords," he said, "think of what you're doing to this + great capital, of which we are all so justly proud. The Tower + has become a disused place, and its historic hill no more + reverberates to the merry chopping of the headsman's axe. + Temple Bar has gone, and long ago have vanished the heads that + used to look wistfully down on the passing chairmen. The + chairmen themselves have sped into eternity, and in their place + circles the Hansom cab. No more does the lovely, lonely oil + lamp swing at the corners of our streets. Your Lordships can + wend your way homeward as far West as Kensington, or as far + North as Highbury, without meeting the casual footpad. The town + is drained; the river is embanked; our streets are paved; and + we have a penny post. Almost all that is left to us of the good + old times are these bars, arbitrarily set up across our + thoroughfare, watched by a gentleman in a seedy suit, and a + rain-beaten hat girt with tarnished golden lace. I beseech your + Lordships, by your memories of infancy, by your love of our old + Constitution, by the faith of your Order, by your fidelity to + your Sovereign, to spare these last lingering relics of the + London that helped to make our Empire great."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/47-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47-3.png" + alt="Lord Bangor" /></a>"As if in Church." + </div> + + <p>House plainly touched at this outburst of eloquence. Lord + BANGOR closed his eyes, and clasped his hands, as if in Church. + If there can be any arrangement made in Committee by which the + gates and bars, after removal, may be placed in convenient + order round BRAMWELL'S residence, so that he shall be forced to + make <i>détours</i> as he goes about his daily business, + it shall be done. With this understanding, Amendment withdrawn, + and Bill read Second Time.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—In Commons, more about Irish + Votes.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Vote for Irish Prisons Board on in + Committee of Supply. Interesting conversation between Prince + ARTHUR and recent inmates of the prisons. O'BRIEN protests that + the treatment was abominable. Prince ARTHUR cites O'B.'s + personal appearance in proof that things are not so bad as they + are painted. "Four times you've been in prison," he urged, "and + see how well you look." DILLON takes objection to the prison + garb; discloses strong yearning to see Prince ARTHUR arrayed in + it. ARTHUR quite content with his present tailor. SHAW-LEFEVRE + joins in conversation; ARTHUR looks at him longingly. "They say + we shan't be in office another year, TOBY," + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page48" + id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> he observed, as SHAW-LEFEVRE + proceeded at some length; "but I should like to be CHIEF + SECRETARY long enough to get a chance of running + SHAW-LEFEVRE in. He's very slippery; knows how near he may + go without incurring actual risk; but I'll have him some + day." <i>Business done</i>.—Irish Votes happily + concluded.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A SPORTING STYLE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>With Examples.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Prefatory Note.</i>—It is a common mistake to + suppose that the present generation frowns upon the literary + achievements of the descriptive reporter who chronicles the + great deeds of athletes, oarsmen, pugilists, and sportsmen + generally. On the contrary, if we may pretend to judge from a + wide and long-continued study, we should say that the <i>vates + sacer</i> of the present day, though he may not rival his + predecessors in refinement and classical allusion, is by no + means inferior to them in wealth of language and picturesque + irrelevancy. Sporting reporting, in fact, was never more of a + fine art, and on the whole has rarely been better paid, than it + is at the present day. In the hope that many a young journalist + may be helped in his struggle for fame and fortune, <i>Mr. + Punch</i> proposes to publish a short manual of sporting + reports, with examples and short notes, that may explain the + <i>technique</i> of the business to the aspirant.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/48-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/48-1.png" + alt="Sporting" /></a> + </div> + + <h3>RULES.</h3> + + <p>1. Always remember that you are a sporting reporter, and be + as sportive as you can. The dig-in-the-ribs and + chuck-her-under-the-chin style is always effective.</p> + + <p>2. Speak of everybody by his Christian name or his + nick-name.</p> + + <p>3. If you think a man ought to have a nickname, invent one + for him.</p> + + <p>4. Employ stock quotations wherever they are least required, + and give a music-hall flavour to every report.</p> + + <p>5. If possible, misquote.</p> + + <p>6. Avoid all simple language.</p> + + <p>7. Patronise all titled sportsmen, and pat wealthy + bookmakers on the back.</p> + + <p>8. Never miss an opportunity of showing that you are on + familiar terms with the sun, moon, rain, wind, and weather in + general. Do this, as a rule, by means of classical tags + vulgarised down to the level of a costermonger's cart.</p> + + <p>9. Spin out your sentences.</p> + + <p>10. Mix up your metaphors, moods, tenses, singulars, + plurals, and the sense generally.</p> + + <p>11. Refer often to "the good old days" you don't remember, + and bewail the decadence of sport of all kinds.</p> + + <p>12. Occasionally be haughty and contemptuous, and make a + parade of rugged and incorruptible honesty. In short, be as + vain and offensive as you can.</p> + + <p>13. Set yourself up as an infallible judge of every branch + of sport and athletics.</p> + + <p><i>First Example</i>.—Event to be reported: An + American pugilist arrives at Euston, and is received by his + English friends and sympathisers.</p> + + <h3>O'FLAHERTY IN ENGLAND.</h3> + + <h4>ARRIVAL OF THE CHAMPION. HIS RECEPTION. WHAT HE THINKS OF + ENGLAND.</h4> + + <p>It was somewhere towards "the witching hour of noon" that + the broad and splendid artery of commerce, to wit, the Euston + Road, became, for the nonce, a scene of unwonted, and + ever-increasing excitement. Old Plu<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + had promised, as per Admiral FITZROY'S patent + hocus-pocusser, to give us a taste of his quality; and it is + unnecessary, in this connection, to observe that the + venerable disciple of Swithin the Saint was as good as his + word. But Britons never never shall be slaves. England + expected every man to do his duty. Forward the Light + Brigade, and so on to where glory and an express train were + waiting, or would be waiting, before you had time to knock a + tenpenny nail on the head twice. The company on the platform + comprised the <i>élite</i> of the sporting world. + "Bluff" TOMMY POPPIN, the ever courteous host of "The + Chequers," "BILL" TOOTWON, by his friends yclept the Masher, + JAKE RUMBELO, the middle-weight World's Champion, were all + there, wreathed in silvery smiles, and all on the nod, on + the nod, on the nod, as the poet hath it, though why "hath + it" no man can tell, in words that will last while Old Sol, + the shiner, drives his spanking tits along the azure road. + Punctual to the moment the train steamed into the station, + and the giant form of O'FLAHERTY, the "man in a million," + leaped out of the railway carriage, amid the plaudits of all + the blue blood of England's sports. In answer to inquiries + the Champion laughingly said, "he guessed this was a mighty + wet country for a dry man," and proceeded to the + refreshment-room, where he "asked a p'leece-man"—oh + no, not at all, but, "Deep as the rolling Zuyder Zee, he + drank the foaming juice of Grapes." Thence a move was made + to the palatial office of the <i>Sporting Standard</i>, + where the Champion was introduced to the Staff. Hands all + round followed, and a glorious day wound up with a visit to + the theatrical resorts of the latter-day Babylon, in company + with some of the right sort, though these be getting both + fewer and farther between than in the good old days.</p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>An agreeable variant for this is Ju. P.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>AUSTRALIA AT ST. PAUL'S.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[On the 17th of July the Earl of ROSEBERY unveiled a + Memorial erected in St. Paul's Cathedral to the late Right + Hon. WILLIAM BEDE DALLEY, of New South Wales, mainly + through whose personal exertions, when Chief Secretary to + the Ministry there, the Colonial Contingent was dispatched + to the aid of England in the Soudan. This, as Lord ROSEBERY + said, is the first Memorial which has been erected to a + Colonist in our Metropolitan Cathedral.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The mighty Empire reared upon the main,</p> + + <p>He "cherished, served, and laboured to + maintain."</p> + + <p>And who will doubt the claim by this made good</p> + + <p>To neighbouring NELSON, and our COLLINGWOOD?</p> + + <p>His country holds her loyal son's remains;</p> + + <p>But here, whilst WREN'S huge dome rolls back the + strains</p> + + <p>Of the great organ's golden mouths, or while</p> + + <p>Paean or requiem sounds along the aisle</p> + + <p>Sacred to mighty memories, DALLEY'S name</p> + + <p>Inscribed amongst our home-born heirs of fame</p> + + <p>Shall stand, and show to all our Island brood</p> + + <p>Australia's love, and England's gratitude.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VERY MUCH AT SEA.</h2> + + <p>As there appears to be some confusion with regard to the + exact nature of the programme scheme for the forthcoming Naval + Autumn Manoeuvres, the following sketch, gleaned from recent + inquiry on the subject made at Whitehall, may, if he can manage + to follow it, possibly serve to enlighten the uninitiated + outsider.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/48-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/48-2.png" + alt="Naval manoeuvres" /></a> + </div> + + <p>An enemy's fleet, having, it is supposed, escaped the + vigilance of the Channel Squadron, consisting of H.M. + First-class Battle-ship <i>Blunderer</i>, accompanied by the + third-class cruiser <i>Jack-ass</i>, and the torpedo-boats + <i>Corkscrew</i> and <i>Tooth-brush</i>, which, also it is + supposed, represent a fleet of thirty-six iron-clads, + twenty-six armoured cruisers, attended by fifty torpedo + vessels, have sailed victoriously up the Thames, and, having + seized the Serpentine, command the, equally supposed, Milk + Supply of Bayswater, Paddington, and the whole of the North of + London. This news having been conveyed to another fancied fleet + that is covering a convoy of ships, imagined to be attempting + to land corn, that they have brought from ports across the + Atlantic, simultaneously at Pegwell Bay, Margate, and the Isle + of Dogs, it is again supposed that, acting under sealed orders, + they elude the enemy, and dividing their forces, make for + Gravesend, Liverpool, Dundee, "The Welsh Harp" at Hendon, and + Yarmouth. The problem, therefore, presented to Admiral FLYOFF, + who is in command of the defending squadrons, will be, after + utilising the supposed coast defences, and mining the + Serpentine, to force the enemy to accept the issue of an open + action on the Regent's Canal, and the Ornamental Water at the + Crystal Palace. Failing this, it will be left to the Umpires, + who, being supposed to be in several places at the same time, + will be provided with a tricycle, fog-horn, and telescope, to + enable them to adjudge the exact amount of success or failure + following respectively on each effort, with as near a + resemblance as is possible to the probable issues in real + warfare. Any matters remaining in dispute and undecided, will + be ultimately settled by the First Lord, who will toss up with + a two-headed halfpenny, specially provided for, in the + Estimates, for the purpose.</p> + + <p>A glance at the above will show that the scheme, though + simple in conception, may easily become complicated; but if + kept in view, with an accompanying reference to the daily + letters of the Correspondents of five Penny Papers, by anyone, + who will further pick out the names and positions of places + named, and mark them with pins on the Railway Map attached to + <i>Bradshaw's Guide</i>, it may serve to throw some light on + the course of events, and leave the inquiring investigator, + though still very much at sea, yet in possession of some scraps + of useful information.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Vol. 99., July 26, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99., JULY 26, 1890. *** + +***** This file should be named 12292-h.htm or 12292-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/2/9/12292/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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