diff options
Diffstat (limited to '12292-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 12292-0.txt | 1480 |
1 files changed, 1480 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/12292-0.txt b/12292-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..24887ea --- /dev/null +++ b/12292-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1480 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12292 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +July 26, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XVI.--THE HURLINGHAM GIRL. + +It is not so easy as it might appear to define the Hurlingham Girl +with complete accuracy. To say of her that she is one whose spirits +are higher than her aspirations, would be true but inadequate. For, at +the best, aspirations are etherial things, and those of the Hurlingham +Girl, if they ever existed, have been so recklessly puffed into space +as to vanish almost entirely from view. In any case they afford a very +unsubstantial basis of comparison to the student who seeks to infer +from them her general character. Yet it would be wrong to assume that +she has dispensed with the etherial on account of her devotion to what +is solid. Indeed nothing is more certain about her than the contempt +with which she has been willingly taught to look upon all the +attainments that are usually dignified with this epithet. History and +geography, classics and mathematics, modern languages (her own and +those of foreign nations), all these she candidly despises. Let others +make their nests upon the shady branches of the tree of learning. For +herself she is fain to soar into the empyrean of society, and to gaze +with undazzled eyes into the sun of the smart set. She has of course +had the advantage of teachers of all sorts, but the claims made upon +her time by thoughtless parents have usually been so great as to leave +her at the end of her school-room period with a few brittle fragments +of knowledge, which shift and change in her mind as the bits of glass +might shift in a kaleidoscope from which the looking-glass had been +omitted. It is enough for her if, in place of historical dates, she +knows the fashionable fixtures, whilst Sandown and Kempton, Ascot and +Goodwood, Hurlingham, and the Ranelagh, supply her with a variety +of knowledge infinitely more interesting and "actual" than the dry +details of population, area, climate, and capital towns, which may be +learnt (by others) from primers of geography. + +Although it is, from their and her point of view, eminently desirable +that the parents of the Hurlingham Girl should be rich, yet it is by +no means absolutely necessary. It is, however, essential that they +should possess a social position which will ensure to them and to +their daughter an easy entrance into that world which considers +itself, not perhaps better, but certainly good. Her mother has +probably discovered long since that the task of being thwarted by +her daughter is an intolerable addition to her social burdens. She +therefore permits her, with as much resignation as she can command, to +take her own course in all those matters that do not conflict directly +with the maternal plans, and she may even come to take a pride in the +bold and dashing independence by which her daughter seeks to relieve +her of all responsibility, if not of all anxiety. + +It is naturally during the London Season that the life of the +Hurlingham Girl is at its fullest and best. On week-day mornings she +is a frequent attendant in the Row, the means of her father being +apparently sufficient to provide her with a sleek and showy Park +hack and an irreproachable groom. Thence she hastens home to rest +and dawdle until the hour arrives for luncheon, to which meal she has +invited the youth who happens to be temporarily dancing attendance +upon her, for it is understood in many houses that luncheon is an open +meal for which no formal invitation from a parent is necessary. In the +afternoon there is always a bazaar, an amateur concert, an exhibition, +a fashionable _matinée_ or a Society tea-party to be visited. For the +evening there are dinners, and theatres, and an endless succession of +dances, at which the flowers, the suppers, and the general decorations +possess as much or as little variety as the conversation of those who +overcrowd the rooms to an accompaniment of dance-music that may once +have been new. + +[Illustration] + +But of course there are distractions. Now and again Society seeks +relief from its load of care by emigrating _en masse_ for the day to +a race-meeting at Sandown or Kempton. There the Hurlingham Girl is +as much at home as though she were native to the spot, sprung, as it +were, from the very turf itself. The interest she takes or pretends to +take in racing is something astounding. For in truth she knows nothing +about horses, their points, their pedigrees, or their performances. +Yet she chatters about them and their races, their jockeys, their +owners, the weight they carry, their tempers, and the state of the +betting market, with a glib assurance which is apt to put to shame +even those of her male companions who have devoted a lifetime to +the earnest study of these supreme matters. In imitation of these +gentlemen she will assure those who care to listen to her, that she +has had a real bad day, not having managed to get on to a single +winner, and that if it hadn't been for a fluke in backing _Tantivy_, +one, two, three, she would have been reduced to a twopence in the +pound condition of beggary. She will then forget her imaginary losses, +and will listen with amusement and interest while a smooth-faced lad +criticises with as much severity as he can command in the intervals of +his cigarettes the dress, appearance, and general character of a +lady whom she happens to dislike. On the following day she will visit +Hurlingham in order to be looked at as a spectator at a polo match, in +which she has no interest whatever. After this she is entertained at +dinner together with a select party, which includes the young married +lady who is her bosom friend and occasional chaperon, by a middle-aged +dandy of somewhat shady antecedents, but of great wealth and undoubted +position. On Sunday mornings she may not always go to Church, but she +makes up for this neglect by the perfect regularity of her attendance +at Church parade. In the afternoon she will go to Tattersall's to +inspect horses. Ascot could not continue without her, and Goodwood +would crumble into ruins if she were absent. This at least is her +opinion, and thus the months flit by and leave her just as wise +as they found her. For she never reads a book, and illustrates by +constant practice her belief that the fashionable intelligence of the +_Morning Post_ is a sufficient mental pabulum for a grown-up woman. + +It is unnecessary to describe further the pursuits and occupations of +the Hurlingham Girl. With regard to her appearance and dress, it must +be admitted that she displays considerable taste. She is always neat, +polished, perfectly groomed--in a word, smart. It may be that it takes +nine tailors to make a man. It is certain that it takes only one to +make a well-dressed woman. Yet she does not always, of course, wear +tailor-made costumes, for on the Sundays that she spends on the +river, her impertinently poised straw hats, her tasteful ribbons, +her sailor's knots, her collars, her manly shirts, and the general +appropriateness of her dress, excite the envy of those who declare +that they would not imitate her for worlds, merely because nature +has made it impossible for them to be like her. Handsome she is +undoubtedly, with the beauty that comes of perfect health undisturbed +by thoughts of the why and the wherefore, or by anticipations of a +troublesome to-morrow. Yet to the casual observer who beholds this +admirably decorated creature, her conversation is disappointing. She +revels in slang. Catch-words and phrases which are not called vulgar +only because the better classes use them, come trippingly, but never +with a pleasant effect from her lips. Nor has she that sense of +reticence which is said to have been the distinguishing mark of +unmarried girlhood at some former period. That she should talk +frivolously on great subjects, if she talks on them at all, is only +to be expected. It would be well if her curiosity and her conversation +left untouched delicate matters, the existence of which she may +suspect but ought certainly to ignore. + +After she has thus flaunted her brilliant health and beauty through +several Seasons, she may begin to tire of an existence, which in +spite of its general freedom, is subject to certain restraints. She +therefore decides to emancipate herself by submitting to a husband. +She finds no difficulty, with the assistance of her mother, in +discarding the penniless subaltern who has devoted himself to her, and +whom she has induced to believe that she preferred to the whole world. +Having received an offer from a gentleman of presentable looks and +immense possessions, she promptly accepts it, and gains to her own +surprise a considerable reputation for judgment and discretion. It is +quite possible that after a year or two of giddy married life she may +decline gradually into a British Matron, respected alike on account of +her increasing family, and her substantial appearance. + + * * * * * + +THE BOY THE FATHER OF THE MAN.--The Chairman of the Infant Insurance +Committee, asked a skilled witness, "Is a man his own child, or +another person's child?" This led to an altercation, and the room had +to be cleared while the question was debated. On the return of the +Public, the query was repeated without a satisfactory result. And yet +the evident answer is, that he is another person's child, except when +he is "a self-made man." + + * * * * * + +PUNCH TO PRIMROSE. + + "A good one to follow, a bad one to beat!" + Don't envy the man who succeeds to _your_ seat, + My clever ex-L.C.C. Chairman. + Fanatics and faddists will mar the best schemes, + Unless they're restrained from unholy extremes + By the hand of a strong and a fair man. + + Your lubber, when first he adventures on wheels, + Has little control of his head or his heels. + With knees on the shake, and arms shrinking, + He scrambles about on the slippery floor, + Like a toper at large, or a mad semaphore, + Half wishing he hadn't gone rinking. + + But, guided discreetly, supported at need, + The clumsiest novice at last may succeed, + His knees and his elbows controlling; + And you, my dear PRIMOSE, have played such a part. + You have given your promising pupil a start, + And--so to speak--set the wheels rolling. + + He ought to do now; let us hope that he will. + The thanks mainly due to your judgment and skill + _Mr. Punch_, for the Public, here offers, + The boy's a bit clumsy,--most novices are; + But, give him fair play, and he may prove a "star," + In spite of the sneerers and scoffers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OFF DUTY. + +_Punch_ (_to Primrose_). "YOU'VE SHOWN HIM THE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT. HE +OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO GET ALONG NOW."] + + * * * * * + +ON WITH THE NEW LOVE. + +(_MR. PUNCH TO HIS BOYS AT BISLEY._) + + Well, here you are, my bonny boys! + No doubt you felt regret at parting + With well-known Wimbledonian joys. + But here you look all right, at starting. + You've not been _quite_ deranged by RANGER; + Of that there never was much danger. + + Small thanks to _him_! Well, well, perhaps; + But never mind. Anger's too grisly + To be long held by such smart chaps; + And you can make Bulls'-eyes at Bisley; + And "sheep's'-eyes" seem to show you're "on + With that New Love"--New Wimbledon! + + 'Tis _Juliet_ now--not _Rosaline_; + Well, _Romeo_, take my benediction. + The Maid is fair, her dwelling fine. + And here you need not fear "Eviction." + "Disturbance" caused some indignation, + But, after all, there's "Compensation." + + Your New Love's fair, furze-garmented, + And brightly crowned with golden bracken. + Your loyalty of heart and head, + Of love (and lead) I'm sure won't slacken. + "Bless ye, my children! May your New Love + Be firm and lasting as 'tis true love!" + + * * * * * + +THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST. + +ON A HOUSE-BOAT AT HENLEY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +When I received a wire from an old and dear school-friend, +saying, "LUCY disappointed; come for week; wire me, _Goldfields_, +Henley--KITTY," I felt that the Art which I had been so assiduously +cultivating for some time past was to be put in practice at last. I +had long decided that there was a grand opening for girls (the true +unemployed) in the idea, and I had determined to make a good thing +out of it myself. KITTY' S telegram was somewhat vague, I admit; but +gossip having thrown a side-light on it, I knew that it came from +Henley, where she and her husband (whom I had never yet seen) had a +House-boat for the Regatta week. To answer in the affirmative, pack +my box, and catch the next train to Henley, was small work to a +"Professional Guest." + +[Illustration] + +When I arrived, I walked straight out of the station to the nearest +wharf, and, chartering a punt, had my luggage and myself placed on +board, and then told the small boy, who "manned" the craft, to take me +to the _Goldfields_. I was not too well pleased when he threw doubts, +not only on her whereabouts, but on her existence. Neither the small +boy nor a big man, nor an old woman standing by, knew anything about +it; and I had determined to take the next train to Town, when a +flannel-clad young man, with a heavy face and a peevish voice, called +out from the bank, "I've been looking for you everywhere." It proved +to be KITTY'S husband, but, as we were totally unacquainted with each +other's appearances, it was not wonderful that his search for me had +been ineffectual. He seemed much annoyed, however, and only vouchsafed +one remark as we punted, or, rather, waltzed (for the small boy was a +"dry bob," I think), down stream towards the _Goldfields_. "It's all +KITTY'S fault,--LUCY'S come." Of course this was awkward, but, on +arrival, KITTY was so hospitable, and LUCY so pretty, that, though our +sleeping and dressing apartment was astonishingly small, and I made +the odd girl out at dinner, I felt I could not mind much, and I also +got over the little _contretemps_ of my dressing-bag being dropped +into the river--"by accident," said KITTY'S husband. + +Owing to the heat and the unaccustomed noise of the river, neither +LUCY nor I slept much; and, though we were told next morning we could +not have any baths, the whole scene was so bright and sparkling that +nobody (except KITTY'S husband, who seemed of a morose disposition) +could with reason have complained of anything. It continued to sparkle +till the first train came down from town, when our guests and the rain +arrived together. It was a dreadful nuisance, as the awning, which, +with the flowers, had cost us hours to arrange, speedily got soaked, +and had to be taken down. Then, of course, the sun came out again, +and for a time the heat was intense. In fact, one lady, who would eat +her lunch on the roof, grew quite faint, and had to be helped down to +KITTY'S husband's room. After lunch, we all ventured out in various +small craft, and again I was unlucky in my waterman. I was sure he had +never punted before, and it proved to be so; for when I asked him if +he had had much practice this season, he answered, the while he wrung +the water from his garments, that "he'd only seen it done, and it +looked easy." We managed, however, by dint of banging on to other +people's boats, to get along very well, until an ill-judged "shove" +sent us right out into the course, just as _the_ race of the day was +coming along. I am not quite clear as to what then took place; only I +know that everything was "fouled." KITTY'S husband, who had a bet on, +was furious, and glared at me for the rest of the day--a condition of +things I pretended not to see. That night we had a rat-hunt on board, +but we lost the animal, as LUCY diverted our attention by falling into +the river. It was most inconvenient of her, as she wetted our mutual +sleeping apartment dreadfully. + +The second day was almost a _replica_ of the first, varied only by +KITTY'S husband fancying he had a sunstroke. The third and last day +was, however, not the success we could have wished. During the night +the weather turned hot, and the food turned--well, not good,--and next +morning the obligatory sacrifice to Father Thames was appalling. Then +when the necessary viands did not arrive from London, I in my capacity +of "professional guest," and of being always ready for any emergency, +volunteered to forage in Henley town. Oh! that expedition. I fought +at the fishmonger's, battled at the butcher's and baker's, grovelled +at the grocer's, and finally ended by committing a theft at the +butterman's. The number of our visitors was large, and was much +augmented by friends' friends, who came in battalions. It may have +been the extra weight on board, or it may be that the hunted rat had +designed a base revenge, but during lunch, and just as KITTY'S husband +was beginning to be genial, an odd idea seized me that the river was +rising. Yes! And the bank behind us was rising too. And gracious! the +water was flowing over the little promenade place, and running about +the floor of the saloon; and then the _Goldfields_ gave a lurch and a +shiver, and settled down in the mud, with a foot-and-a-half of dirty +water downstairs, and nothing but the roof left us to perch upon. + +How we ever recovered our belongings I don't know. All I remember is, +being taken to the station in an old green wherry, and coming back to +town seventeen in a second-class carriage. My last view of the wreck +embraced KITTY, propped up against the railing of the roof, and making +tea on a table, which looked more like tipping over than standing +straight. KITTY'S husband was muttering to himself as he handed round +the cups; and, as I moved off through the crush of boats, I fancied +I caught the word "JONAH." Of course I may have been mistaken, as my +name is not that, but + +THE ODD GIRL OUT. + + * * * * * + +ODE TO MONEY. + +(_BY A POPTIMIST._) + + Hair that is golden grows olden, + Hopes that are golden decay; + Suns that are bright, and embolden + The tourist to go on his way, + Leaving his gingham tight folden, + Turn to a drizzling grey. + But gold of the Mint is all-golden, + Safe in the strictest assay. + + Cynics may rail against money, + Spurn its beneficent power; + Bears spurn impossible honey, + Foxes the grapes that are sour. + Men, who can never be funny, + Scoff at the funny man's dower; + Lands where it seldom is sunny + Find little praise for a flower. + + When a man's safe at his bankers, + What does it mean, let us think-- + Freedom from care and its cankers, + Plenty of victuals and drink? + Nay, but it opens the garden + Of tender illusion and joy, + Where faults find immediate pardon, + And worrying ways don't annoy. + In the light of futurity's favours + Fair gratitude burgeons amain, + And the flittermouse Love never wavers + In truth to the Psyche of gain. + Bountiful Money! 'Twill make you + Worthy in manners and birth; + Beauty for better will take you + (Little as that may be worth), + Hosts by the hand kindly shake you, + Crowds, when you wish to be funny, + Mind doing homage to Money, + Laugh with inordinate mirth. + Sages and moralists blame thee, + Stoics stand gloomy above thee, + Preachers with obloquy name thee, + Hermits and anchorites shame thee, + But symbol of all that is sunny, + Coy, courteous, flattering Money, + I love thee, I love thee, I love thee! + + * * * * * + +"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!" + +(_AN OPEN LETTER TO SOMEBODY._) + +DEAR NOBLE CORRESPONDENT TO THE _TIMES_,--We see that you are doing +your best to defend the proposed destruction of the Lincoln's Inn +Gateway in Chancery Lane. In the course of your exertions, you have +been not too civil to several worthy persons, and inaccurate in your +description of the Society of Antiquaries. Now, do take our advice. +We know you were a clever "Silk" when you practised at the Bar, and +we have heard that your forefathers (for a generation or so) were +excellent hands at Banking; but, in the name of Lombard Street, do +let Archæology alone! + +With the best of wishes, + +Yours sincerely, + +(_Signed_) EVERYBODY. + + * * * * * + +CHANCE FOR BUYERS.--Last week, among the Tuesday's arrangements in the +_Daily Telegraph_, was announced:--"Bath Horse Show." Did this include +"Bath Towel-Horse Show?" Fine chance for sporting Mr. BLUNDEL MAPLE. +M.P., as a Towel-Horse dealer. "Great Towel-Horse Show in Tottenham +Court Road!" The sale of yearlings and the pedigrees would be +interesting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LATEST INTELLIGENCE. + +"BY THE WAY, WHERE _IS_ THAT PLACE, HELIGOLAND, THEY'RE ALL TALKING SO +MUCH ABOUT?" + +"OH--DON'T YOU KNOW, DEAR? IT'S ONE OF THE PLACES LATELY DISCOVERED BY +MR. STANLEY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TOMATO-CURE FOR DYSPEPSIA. + + Don't talk to me of colocynth or famed cerulean pill, + Don't mention hyoscyamus or aloes when I'm ill; + The very word podophyllin is odious in mine ears, + The thought of all the drugs I've ta'en calls up the blinding tears; + The Demon of Dyspepsia, a sufferer writes to say, + At sight of the Tomato-plant will vanish quite away. + + The Faculty will diet you till indigestion stops, + On what have always seemed to me interminable slops; + A dainty dish is sure to be the worst thing you can eat; + The bismuth and the charcoal come like nightmares after meat. + Away with all restrictions now, bring mutton, beef, and veal, + As long as ripe Tomatoes come to supplement a meal. + + Hepatic action, doctors say, is very hard to start, + And if you have too much of it, that also makes you smart; + And so the fate of many folks, especially in town, + Is first to stir the liver up, and then to calm him down. + Now he can trouble us no more, although we go the pace; + A diet of Tomatoes keeps the tyrant in his place. + + Away with deleterious drugs, for here's a plant been found, + Worth all the weird concoctions that dispensers can compound: + Get fresh Tomatoes, red and ripe, and slice and eat, and then-- + You'll find that you are liver-less, and not like other men. + Come ye who dire dyspepsia's pangs impatiently endure, + It cannot hurt, and may do good, this new Tomato-Cure. + + * * * * * + +SWEETS TO THE ACID.--In an excellent speech, last week, Mr. HENRY +IRVING suggested that a Charitable Organisation Society should be +established for the Distribution of Art Relief. He rightly contended +that the Beautiful was as necessary to perfect happiness as the +Severely Useful. Drains (excellent things in their way) are scarcely +on a level with Pictures. This is an idea that the so-called +"goody-goody folk" find a difficulty in accepting; possibly because +most of them personally represent everything that is unlovely. + + * * * * * + +"WAX TO RECEIVE, AND MARBLE TO RETAIN." + +[Illustration: "Whacks to Receive."] + +According to an evening paper, the wedding-present of Colonel GOURAUD +to a distinguished couple took the novel and charming form of a +phonograph, recording, for all time, the musical portion of the +marriage ceremony. In all probability, this precedent will be widely +followed, and a set of waxen phonographic cylinders will be a familiar +feature in the list of presents at every wedding of any pretensions +to smartness. Still, there _may_ be cases in which those who intend +to imitate Colonel GOURAUD'S example would do well to consider first +whether the conditions are equally appropriate. For instance, young +JACK RIVENLUTE is not a bad fellow, though he may not be given to +sentiment, and VIOLA MANDOLINE is a very charming girl, if she +_is_ apt to be a trifle high-flown and exacting at times. When they +marry--(they have not even met at present, but they _will_ marry, +the year after next, unless _Mr. Punch's_ Own Second-sighted Seer +grossly deceives himself)--when they marry, VIOLA'S Uncle JOHN will +be the person to present them with the then orthodox phonograph and +appurtenances. But if he could foresee the future as distinctly as +_Mr. Punch's_ Seer has done in the following prophetic visions, he +might substitute a biscuit-box, or a fish-slice and fork, a Tantalus +spirit-case, or even a dumb-waiter, as likely, on the whole, to +inspire a more permanent gratitude. + +FIRST ANNIVERSARY--SAY, IN 1893. + +SCENE--_A CHARMING DRAWING-ROOM._ TIME--_ABOUT 9:30 P.M._ + + Mr. RIVENLUTE _is on a chair by the open window_; Mrs. + RIVENLUTE _on a low stool by his side_. + +_Mrs. R._ (_for the fiftieth time_). I can't _ever_ thank you _nearly_ +enough for this _lovely_ ring, JACK dear! + +_Jack_ (_rather gruffly_). Oh, it's all right, Pussy. Glad you like +it, I'm sure. Do they mean to bring in the lamps? It's pitch dark. + +_Mrs. R._ I'll ring presently--not just yet. It was so _dear_ of you +to remember what day it was! + +_Jack_ (_who only just remembered it in time, as he was driving +home_). Been a brute if I hadn't! + +_Mrs. R._ You _couldn't_ be a brute, JACK, if you tried--not to _me._ +I'm so glad we haven't got to go out anywhere to-night, aren't _you_? + +_Jack_ (_heartily_). Rather! Beastly bore turning out after dinner. +What on earth are you up to over there? + +_Mrs. R._ (_who has risen, and has apparently been winding up some +instrument in the corner--as she returns_). Oh, it's only something I +wanted to do this evening.... Now, JACK, listen! + +[_The phonograph begins to click and whirr._ + +_Jack_. That beastly cat in the room again! Turn it out quick--it's +going to be ill. + +_Mrs. R._ (_laughing a little hysterically_). No--no, JACK, it isn't +poor Snowball this time! Wait, and you will hear something. + +[_The "Voice that Breathed o'er Eden" is suddenly rendered by an organ +and full choir: the remarks of two choristers (who are having a +little difference over a hymn-book), and the subdued sniffs of MRS. +MANDOLINE, being distinctly audible between the verses._ + +_Mrs. R._ (_breaking down_). Oh, JACK, isn't it beautiful? Wasn't it +_sweet_ of Uncle JOHN to give it to us! + +_Jack_ (_who, privately, would have infinitely preferred a small +cheque_). Yes--he's a good old buffer at bottom. + +_Mrs. R._ He's a perfect old _love_! Tell me, JACK, you're not _sorry_ +you married me, _are_ you? + +_Jack._ What a thing to ask a fellow Of _course_ I'm not! + +_Mrs. R._ (_softly_). Do you know, JACK, I'm sometimes sorry I married +_you_, though. + +_Jack_ (_uneasily_). Come, I _say_, you know--what on earth for? + +_Mrs. R._ Because I should like to marry you all over again!... Ah, +I _knew_ I should frighten you! (_The final "Amen" of the Choir dies +away, amid the coughing, rustling, and nasal trumpeting of last year's +Congregation._) There are some more cylinders, JACK--shall we put them +in next? + +_Jack_ (_who feels sufficiently solemnised_). Well, if you ask me, I +think they'll keep till next year. Pity to disturb the effect of that +last, eh? + +SECOND ANNIVERARY--1894. + +_SAME SCENE AND TIME. MRS. RIVENLUTE DISCOVERED ALONE_. + +_Mrs. R._ He might at _least_ have made _some_ allusion to the day--it +would have been only _decent_! He can't possibly have _forgotten_! I +don't know, though, very likely he has.... Well, _I'm_ not going to +remind him! I suppose he means to stay downstairs, smoking, as usual, +all the evening. Oh, if I could only make him ashamed of himself just +_once_!... _I_ know! Uncle JOHN'S phonograph! He can't help hearing +_that_. (_She winds it up, as JACK R. enters, yawning._) Dear me, this +_is_ an unexpected honour. (_Softening slightly._) Have you come up to +keep me company--for once? + +_Jack._ Well, to tell you the truth, my dear, I fancy I left the +evening paper here. An, there it is. + +[_He seizes it, and prepares to go._ + +_Mrs. R._ You can read it here, if you _like_, you know--I don't mind +your smoking. + +_Jack._ Thanks--but it's cosier in the study. + +_Mrs. R._ Of course I know that any place where I don't happen to be +is cosier in _your_ opinion. + +_Jack._ Oh, hang it, don't begin all that again--there, _I_'ll stay! +(_He chooses a comfortable chair._) What the doose is that? + +[_The phonograph has begun to buzz and hum._ + +_Mrs. R._ Hush!--it's Uncle JOHN'S present. + +[_The "Wedding March" strikes up with a deafening blare._ + +_Jack_ (_startled_). Bless my soul! I thought something had blown up. +"_Hallelujah Chorus_," is it--or what? + +_Mrs. R._ (_coldly_). As it happens, it is MENDELSSOHN'S "_Wedding +March._" + +_Jack._ Sounded familiar somehow. 'Jove! MENDELSSOHN was determined to +let 'em know _he_ was married! + +_Mrs. R._ That was intended to let people know _we_ were married. It +is our Wedding March. + +_Jack._ Ours? You said it was _MENDELSSOHN'S_ just now! But what are +you turning it on _now_, for? + +_Mrs. R._ Do you remember what day this is, by any chance? + +_Jack._ Haven't an idea. Isn't there a calendar on your +writing-table?--that ought to tell you, if you want to know. + +_Mrs. R._ Thank you, _I_ don't require a calendar. To-day is the +twenty-third--the day you and I were married. [_Sighs._ + +_Jack._ 'Pon my word I believe you're right. The twenty-third--so it +is! [_He becomes silent._ + +_Mrs. R._ (_to herself, as the "Wedding March" continues jubilantly_). +He _is_ ashamed of himself. I _knew_ he would be--only he doesn't +quite know how to tell me so; he will presently.... I wish I could +see his face.... If he is only sorry enough, I _think_ I shall +forgive him. JACK! (_Softly._) JACK dear! (_A prolonged snore from the +arm-chair. She goes to him and touches his arm._) You had better go +down-stairs and have your cigar, hadn't you? It may keep you awake! +(_Bitterly._) + +_Jack_ (_opening his eyes_). Eh?--oh! Well, if you're sure you don't +mind being alone, I rather think I will. + +_Mrs. R._ I should infinitely _prefer_ being alone--I am so used to +it. + +[_Exit JACK, as the "Wedding March" comes to a triumphant conclusion._ + +THIRD ANNIVERSARY--1895. + +_SAME SCENE. TIME, 11:30 P.M. MRS. MANDOLINE DISCOVERED WITH HER +DAUGHTER._ + +_Mrs. M._ Nearly twelve, and JACK not in yet--on this of all days, +too! VIOLA, you will be weak, _culpably_ weak, if you don't speak to +him, very seriously, when he _does_ come in. + +_Mrs. R._ (_ruefully_). I _can't_, Mother. We're not on speaking terms +just now, you know. + +_Mrs. M._ Then I _shall_. Fortunately, _I_ am on speaking terms with +him--as he will find out! (_A ring._) There he is, at last! Go, my +poor darling, leave me to bring him to a sense of his disgraceful +conduct. (_Mrs. R. retires by the back drawing-room._) How shall +I begin? Ah, poor JOHN'S phonograph! How lucky _I_ remembered it! +(_Selecting a cylinder._) There, if _anything_ can pierce his hard +heart, _that_ will! + +[_Winds up machine, which breaks into a merry marriage peal as JACK +enters in evening dress._ + +_Jack_ (_sullenly_). Now just look here, VIOLA--(_recognising Mrs. +M._) Hullo, the Mum! + +_Mrs. M._ (_raising her voice above the clamour_). Mum no longer, Sir. +Do you hear those bells? + +_Jack_. _Do I hear those bells?_ Am I deaf? The whole Parish can hear +them, I should think! + +_Mrs. M._ I don't care if they do. I want to touch your conscience, if +I can, and I still hope--bad as you are--that when the voices of those +bells--so long silent--rung in anticipation of such a very different +future--fall upon your ear once more, they may-- + +_Jack_ (_with a sardonic laugh_). "So long silent!" I like that. Sorry +to disappoint you, my dear Mamma, but that phonograph, as a domestic +stimulant, was played out long ago--it has played _me_ out often +enough! Perhaps you don't know it, but really VIOLA has rather +overdone it. Whenever we have a tiff, she sets the "_Voice from Eden_" +at me; if she chooses to consider herself ill-used, I am treated to +a preserved echo of our marriage vows, and the Bishop's address; when +she is in the sulks, I get the congratulations in the vestry; and +if ever I grumble at the weekly bills, it's drowned in the "_Wedding +March_!" As for your precious bells, I can't dine with a man at the +Club without hearing the confounded things pealing out the moment +I let myself in. That infernal phonograph, which you seem to fondly +imagine will make me burst into tears, and live happy ever after, has +driven me out of the house many a time when I was willing enough to +stay at home; but to be put through one's wedding ceremony three times +a week is enough to send any fellow to the Club, or out of his mind. +I'd smash the d----d thing with pleasure, only it seems to afford VI +some consolation. I can't say I find it soothing myself. + +[_Before Mr. MANDOLINE can think of a suitable reply, Mrs. R. enters +from the inner room, where she has remained till now. She is carrying +a small steel poker, which she silently places in the hand of her +astonished husband._ + +_Jack._ Hullo! _you_ here? What's _this_ for? + +[_Staring blankly at the poker._ + +_Mrs. R._ (_meekly_). To--to smash the d----d thing with. + +[_The marriage peal ceases abruptly, as Mrs. MANDOLINE, comparatively +reassured, discreetly leaves the couple to come to a better +understanding without further assistance._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING OFFICE. + +_The Gentlewoman_, No. 1, has appeared. It gives, or rather sells, an +overwhelming lot for the money, which is sixpence. Sixpenn'orth of +all sorts. Plenty of readable information. Illustrations not the best +feature in it. Crowds of advertisements. The _menus_, if carefully +sustained, may prove very useful to those who "dinna ken." As to the +type of _The Gentlewoman_, well, the first picture is of Her Imperial +Majesty the QUEEN, and with this type of the Gentlewoman we shall all +be satisfied, _dicit_ BARONIUS DE BOOK-WORMS. + +[Illustration] + +"What a sight o' Books!" cries the Baron, remembering the clever +Parrot who uttered a similar exclamation at a Parrot Competition. +First, here is _Blossom Land and Fallen Leaves_, by CLEMENT SCOTT, +published by HUTCHINSON & CO., which is an interesting and useful book +to those who are able to take a holiday in Cromer, and marvel at the +sunset, and notice how "in the far distance a couple of lovers advance +towards the fading light"--I'll be bound that deeply engaged couple +didn't catch sight of the "chiel takin' notes"--and how did _he_ know +for certain they were a couple of lovers? Why not brother and sister? +Why not husband and wife? Why not uncle and aunt?--but with an +experienced eye the canny SCOTT made a pretty shrewd guess--and it +is a pleasant companion, is this book, to those who cannot visit +Cromer, or any of the other places mentioned in _Blossom Land_, and +who reading it at home will only wish they could do so, and will +promptly make arrangements for paying (the "paying" _is_ the +difficult part) a visit not only to Cromer but also to Caen, Etretat, +Cabourg,--carefully noting C.S.'s account of his "cruise upon wheels," +and his sensible remarks on Parisianising these otherwise tranquil +resorts. From Havre to Hammersmith is a bit of a jump, but it is from +a bustling port to a peaceful spot--"a Harbour of Refuge" at Nazareth, +where the Baron sincerely trusts the good Little Sisters of the Poor +are no longer Poor-rated £120 per annum, just by way of parochial +encouragement, I suppose, to other charitable persons for relieving +the parish "of an incubus of four hundred." The work of these +self-sacrificing women cannot be over-rated in one sense, but in the +parochial sense (if parochials have any) they can hardly be rated +enough. Really a delightful book for all comers and goers. + +"What have we here?" inquires the Baron--_Seven Summers, An Eton +Medley, by the Editors of the Parachute and Present Etonian_. Now, +Heaven forgive my ignorance, but I have never seen the _Parachute_ +nor the _Present Etonian_, so without prejudice I dip into this book, +and am at once much interested and amused by a paper "On Getting Up." +Not "getting up" linen, or "getting up lessons," but getting up in +the morning, ever a hard-worker's hardest task. It will remind many +a middle-aged Etonian of the days when he was very young, and early +school was very early. "The Inner Man" is another amusing paper, and +forty years has made no alteration in the "sock-cad." American slang +has evidently tinged Etonian style. "What in the name of purple +thunder," and "in the name of spotted Moses," and so forth, are +Americanisms, and the tone of these two smart Etonian writers has a +certain Yankee ring in it. Why not leave this sort of thing to MARK +TWAIN, BRET HARTE & CO., who are past masters of their own native +slang? _Seven Summers_ will interest and amuse Etonians of all ages. + +And here, attracted by a quaintly-designed cover, the Baron takes up +_Ballads from Punch, and other Poems_, by WARHAM ST. LEGER, published +by DAVID STOTT. That a considerable number of these have appeared in +_Mr. Punch's_ pages, by whose kind permission they are reprinted, is +quite sufficient guarantee for their excellence. _The Lay of the Lost +Critic, The Plaint of the Grand Piano_, are capital specimens of the +author's humour, and _Christmas Eve_ of his true pathos. No influence +of American humour visible in any of these. As a rule, the Baron +doesn't recommend betting, but advises his readers to go in for this +St. Leger. + +The contents of _The Universal Review_ this month are varied, +interesting, but not sensational. The article on Westminster Abbey, by +FREDERICK GEORGE LEE, D.D., with its humorous notes and observations, +will have a charm for many readers, and so will that on the painter +BERNADINO LUINI. The novel entitled, _The Wages of Sin_, is now at +the first chapter of the fifth book, and there is an illustration +representing a lady in a Victoria pulling up in Waterloo Place. +Underneath is the legend--"She leaned forward smiling, beckoning as +the Victoria drew up against the curb." First, she is not leaning +forward; secondly, she doesn't appear to be "smiling;" thirdly, she +doesn't seem to be "beckoning;" and, fourthly, though the horse is +being pulled back, probably on the "curb," yet, if the author means +that the carriage is being pulled up against the pavement, then +why didn't he say so, and write it "kerb?" I like being a trifle +hypercritical just now and then, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +AN INTERNATIONAL HERO. + +There has been recently a discussion in _The World_ as to where _Cox +and Box_ (for which Sir ARTHUR wrote some of his best music) first +saw the light. It was decided in favour of the Librettist at whose +residence the Triumviretta was given privately, in presence of a +distinguished audience. But there was one person who might have given +invaluable evidence, and that was _Box_ himself. Why did he not step +forward? Where was he? The explanation is given in the Paris _Figaro_ +of Thursday, July 17:-- + + "M. Box, le nouveau Ministre d'Haïti à Paris, a été reçu hier + matin par le Président de la République." + +Of course, Cox will receive an appointment. Perhaps M. Box banks +at Cox's. Will Sergeant-Major BOUNCER be gazetted to the Hayti'eth +Regiment? Whatever may be in store for these immortal personages, +it is satisfactory to know that, for the present, _Box_ at least is +provided for. It was like his true British nature not to disguise +his identity under some such gallicised form of his name as BOITE, or +LOGE. There is, perhaps, no surname in our language so truly national +as _Box_. "JOHN BOX" might well be substituted for "JOHN BULL." It is +characteristic of our British pugilism. _Vive M. Box!_ + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN PROPHET_.) + +[Illustration] + +Various events are approaching, and it is only fair that I should give +the readers of this journal the benefit of my advice and my opinions. +In good time I shall have something to say about Goodwood--something +that will make the palæolithic cauliflower-headed dispensers of +buncombe and bombast sit up and curse the day on which fate allowed +them to be born. There are some who profess to attach importance to +the goose-billed mouthings and vapourings of the butter-brained crew +who follow in the wake of the most notorious professor of humbugging +pomposity that even this age, rich as it is in putty-faced impostors, +has ever produced. Well, let them. For my own part I follow the advice +of the French King to the beautiful Marquise DE CENTAMOURS. "_Sire_," +the _Marquise_ is reported to have said, "_quelle heure est-il?_" To +which the witty monarch at once replied, "_Madame, si vous avez besoin +de savoir l'heure, allez done la demander au premier gendarme?_" The +story may be found with others in the lately published memoirs of +Madame DE SANSFAÇON. In a similar spirit I answer those who pester me +about horses. + +I understand that _Barrister Bill_, _Sidesplitter_, and _Fiery Harry_, +showed up excellently at Newmarket last week. I have always prophesied +well of these three splendid animals, who take their feeds as +regularly, and with as much gusto as they gallop a mile on heather +when the barometer points to set fair. At the same time I consider +that only a papoose, made of string and sawdust, would give more than +£10,000 for any one of them. + +Complaints have reached me that some of my remarks have given pain in +an exalted quarter. It is the common lot of those who are honest to be +misunderstood, and, for myself, I wish to claim no exemption from the +rule. My one aim is to benefit my readers, and to advance truth. For +this I would sacrifice the smiles of Courts, and incur the shallow +sneers of the grovelling, chowder-headed horde of flunkeys who sit in +high places. My work bears witness to my merit. Need I say more? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SERIOUS BALL-ROOM FLIRTATIONS. + +_Lord Algernon_. "I CAN SAFELY RECOMMEND OUR TUSSORE SILKS, MRS. +GREEN. _WON'T_ YOU GIVE THEM A TRIAL? WE ALLOW A DISCOUNT OF FIFTEEN +PER CENT, FOR CASH, YOU KNOW." + +_Sir Reginald_. "NOW _DO_ LET ME SEND YOU A COUPLE OF DOZEN OF OUR +EXTRA DRY CHAMPAGNE AT SEVENTY-TWO SHILLINGS, DEAR LADY MIDAS. I'M +_SURE_ SIR GORGIUS WILL LIKE IT." + +_Captain de la Vere de Vere_. "OH, IF I _COULD_ BUT INDUCE YOU TO GET +YOUR HUSBAND TO INSURE HIS LIFE IN OUR OFFICE, MRS. VAN TRONCK!--THE +BONUSES ARE QUITE EXCEPTIONAL."] + + * * * * * + +"TOO MANY COOKS--!" + +_A BRET-HARTEISH BALLAD._ + +MORAL BILL BUTTONS _SINGS_:-- + + I reside at Greenlands (Henley), and my name is MORAL BILL; + I'm a model of well-meaning, which makes up for want of skill; + And I'll tell, in simple language, what I know about the shine + Which demoralised our kitchen, and which bust up our Big Dine. + + But first I would remark that it is not a prudent plan + For any culinary gent to flout his fellow-man; + And, if a colleague can't agree with his peculiar whim, + To wait on that same colleague, and trip up the heels of him. + + Now nothing could be nicer, or more beautiful to see. + Than the first three years' proceedings of our Cooks (and we had three), + Till JOACHIM (of Goshen) made a dish (of devilled bones), + Which he flaunted in the face of ARTHUR B. with swelling tones. + + Then ARTHUR made an _entrée_; he constructed it with care, + And he vowed that e'en APICIUS would have owned it rich and rare. + And when JOACHIM protested that "soup first" was a fixed rule, + ARTHUR B. insinuated that his colleague was a mule. + + And then he smiled a languid smile; sneering was ARTHUR'S fault, + And he had one squirmy snigger which was worse than an assault. + He was a most sarcastic man, this languid ARTHUR B., + And he aimed at being _Chef_, which JOKIM said was fiddlededee. + + Now I hold it's not the duty of a culinary gent + To say his colleague is a Moke--at least to all intent; + Nor should the individual who happens to be meant + Reply by chucking crockery to any great extent. + + Then Number Three Cook tried to raise an ill-done _rôti_, when + He tripped o'er ARTHUR'S heels, and fell upon his abdomen; + And presently the various _plats_ were mingled on the floor; + And the subsequent proceedings let us draw a curtain o'er. + + For in less time than I write it every Cooky dropped his dish, + And our _menu_ was as mucked as our worst enemy could wish; + And the way those Cookies chivied in their anger was a sin, + And the only dinner left 'em was the cheese--which _I_ took in. + + And this is all I have to say concerning this sad spill; + For I live at Greenlands (Henley), and my name is Moral BILL; + And I've told in simple language all I know about the shine + That demoralised our kitchen, and upset the year's Big Dine! + + * * * * * + +A SWEET HOME FOR NANCY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The other evening, wishing to enjoy a little music, +I went to the Lyric Theatre, and found that the opera chosen for +performance was called _Sweet Nancy_, founded upon a novel with some +similar title by Miss RHODA BROUGHTON. The prettiest tune I heard was +one that I fancy had been played before, and my belief is the stronger +as Mr. HENRY NEVILLE referred to it as "a dear old song." It had to do +with "_Darby and Joan_," and reminded me of J.L. MOLLOY'S delightful +song with that title. The rest of the music was not very striking. +Even to those who hold that the plot of an Opera is only of secondary +importance, _Sweet Nancy_ could not have appeared to be exactly +teeming with incidents. However, it was very nicely played by Miss +HUGHES, and that now mature Lancashire Lad, the aforesaid HENRY +NEVILLE. Without declaring that I should like to see it every evening +for a thousand years (which I believe is a _façon de parler_ even +in China), I certainly could sit it out again. If I wished to be a +fault-finder I should say that the piece is too long, and seems all +the longer because some of the characters are supposed to represent +schoolboys, and a girl of thirteen. The adapter is Mr. BUCHANAN--a +poet and a playwright. This gentleman, I believe, has made many other +pieces (more or less) his own, with (more or less) success. He seems +to have a knack of turning old plays into new ones. I live in hope +that when I next visit this great Metropolis I shall find that he has +re-written the _School for Scandal_, and brought _Hamlet_ up to date. + +Yours always, A CRITIC FROM THE COUNTRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TOO MANY COOKS--!" + +THE PAGE-BOY (W.H. SM-TH). "AT ANY RATE, I'VE SAVED THE _CHEESE_!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: The Hanging Committee.] + +_Monday to Saturday_.--Nothing particular this week. Second July +Meeting at Newmarket took a lot of people away, and the thunder, +hail and rain frightened a lot more away on Thursday, so may as well +discuss _Esmeralda_, which I hadn't time to do last week. Rather +a mixed affair to start with when you have a French _libretto_, +set by an English Composer, and played at the Royal Italian Opera, +Covent Garden. No matter. A big success for everyone concerned, +from DRURIOLANUS downwards. No one could have wished for a better +_Esmeralda_ than Madame MELBA, though she did not make the most of +that first charming song, "_L'Hirondelle_." One Swallow, however, +doesn't make an Opera, and Madame MELBA soon pulled herself together, +and threw herself into the work when she saw Mons. JEAN DE RESZKÉ, as +_Phoebus_, winning fresh laurels. + +The _Quasimodo_ of M. DUFRICHE, of the Vibrato school, was +dramatically good, but not great; but _Claude Frollo_ was both +great and good. These two have been defrauded of their rights by the +undramatic Librettist, who has done about as little as possible with +the excellent materials at his command. What a scene might have been +the final one between _Quasimodo_ and _Claude_, when _Claude Frollo_ +is pitched over the battlements. I forget what becomes of _Quasi_; but +if he stabs himself, or is stabbed, that would be quite sufficient +for dramatic justice and effect. Then, of course, the absurd ceremony +used by _Clopin_, and the real unwillingness of _Esmeralda_ to become +_Gringoire's_ wife, would dispose of the marriage, unless _Gringoire_ +were previously got rid of (for I don't remember how the novel ends) +and _Esmeralda_ would be united to _Phoebus_, while _Fleur-de-Lys_ +could marry _De Chevreuse_, or anybody else. + +[Illustration: HOW IT OUGHT TO HAVE ENDED. + +Mr. Justice Butt pronounces a decree of divorce. Phoebus marries +Esmeralda. Claude Frollo is smashed, and Quasimodo is stabbed.] + +The Goat, too, has a wretched part: to be left out after the first +scene is too bad. Something might have been done with him, if he had +only been put into a chaise; but perhaps _Esmeralda_ and _Phoebus_ +reserve him for further use in the course of a couple of years or so, +when _Djali_, drawing a goat-chaise containing a little _Esmeralda_ +and a little _Phoebus_, followed by a nurse and Papa and Mamma, would +make a sensation at some fashionable seaside resort. + +[Illustration: _The Goat_. "I ought to have the second principal part +in this Opera. If they don't produce _Dinorah_, I shall give notice. +Too bad of Goring Thomas. If I see him alone I'll show him what +'Butting' Thomas is."] + +Mons. MONTARIOL played and sang well as _Gringoire_, and Mons. +WINOGRADOFF was most artistic as _Clopin_, Amusing to see Mons. +LASSALLE as _Claude Frollo_, melodramatically hiding behind the +window-curtains, just as _Phoebus_ enters the room followed by +_Esmeralda_. So evidently was the curtain shaken, that _Phoebus_ +would most certainly have detected the sneak, or he might have asked +_Esmeralda_, "What's that?" and have asserted his belief that it could +not possibly be the cat, but he might have accepted her explanation +had she informed him that it was the Goat. What a chance here lost +for a situation of the Goat behind curtains butting _Claude Frollo_! +However, it was all "purtendin'," and JEAN DE RESZKÉ as _Phoebus_ +didn't see what he would most certainly have noticed immediately had +he been himself. Magnificently got up; _mise-en-scène_ excellent; band +and chorus all that could be wished. + + * * * * * + +BULLY FOR THE COLONEL! + + "The Hon. Member had availed himself of the privilege accorded + to Members of Parliament in debate to fire a shameful barbed + arrow at Colonel CADDELL, in order that some of the mud might + stick."--_Colonel Saunderson in the House of Commons_. + + Come, listen to my story: it's a sort of shilling-shock tale, + With no end of fire and fury, and a modicum of blood, + And a Colonel who mixed metaphors as Yankees mix a cocktail, + And a quiverful of arrows, shameful arrows, barbed with mud. + + It was DILLON who had used them, and he spoke of Tipperary, + Tipperary new and rentless, where the tenants have combined. + And the Parnellites were gathered like the chicks of Mother CAREY, + When they feel the tempest rising, and give warning of the wind. + + And the pale and angry Tories sat impatient of the battle. + And the benches of the Commons, where they love a fight, grew full; + And, although they knew 'twas better not to hurry people's cattle, + They implored their fiery Colonel to oblige them with a bull. + + But the Colonel needs no prompting, straight rises to address them, + And his eye now flames in fury, and now twinkles like a star; + And he turned on Mr. PARNELL'S men, and didn't rightly bless them, + This flashing, dashing, slashing _militaire_ from North Armagh. + + And before a man could whistle there were ructions and denials, + Shouts and countershouts of anger--quite a House of Commons scene; + While the Colonel, who had bottled all his wrath, poured out the vials + On the heads of Irish gentlemen whose wigs were on the green. + + 'Twas in vain they sought to daunt him; like a flock of noisy sparrows + When a hawk comes grimly swooping, or like moths that tempt the wick, + So they scattered when the Colonel told the House of shameful arrows, + Which were fired (I quote the Colonel) in the hope that mud might stick. + + When Sir BOYLE, the ever famous, smelt a rat (you've heard the story)-- + Saw it floating in the air, he promptly nipped it in the bud; + But I think our modern Colonel gets the greater share of glory + For inventing shameful arrows that could only spatter mud. + + And, oh, ye sons of Erin, when the coat-tails next are trailing, + Make your weapons on this pattern, think of SAUNDERSON, his bull; + And no mother's son will suffer, though the missiles should come hailing, + If you only use mud-arrows, or shillelaghs made of wool + + * * * * * + +DEVOUT WISH OF IRISH LANDLORDS FOR MR. BALFOUR.--"May his shadowing +never grow less!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "FIGURES OF SPEECH." + +_Balfour_ (_the Showman_). "NOW, YOU'D LIKE TO SEE SIR WILLIAM V. +HARCOURT IN FOUR REMARKABLE SITUATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: A New Subscriber to _The Morning Post_.] + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 14._--Government again narrowly +escaped defeat. Last time it was Ascot; this time Marlborough House +Garden Party. "This Session," says T. HARRINGTON, "I've taken to +subscribing to _The Morning Post_; study its fashionable news; look +out for arrangements likely to draw men away from House; then me and +SAGE put our heads together; arrange for Division; take it smart, and +Government left in lurch." + +To-day opportunity found in Motion for Select Committee on +constitution of Scotch Committee. AKERS-DOUGLAS proposed twenty-one +members, all Scotch but one. "Let us have the lot Scotch," says +ROBERTSON; moves Amendment accordingly. House pretty full, knowing +crisis at hand; Government Whips scouting for Members. + +"Tell you what I'll do," says PENROSE FITZGERALD to AKERS-DOUGLAS; +"I hate garden-parties and that sort of thing, but as we shall be in +a hole if Division now rushed, I'll take cab, run up to Marlborough +House, fetch down some men; inconvenient, you know; works against +grain; would rather be down here helping you than mingling in +glittering throng; but, as the Governor says, duty is our loadstar; +say the word, and I'll go off to Pall Mall and fetch a lot down." + +"FITZGERALD," said AKERS-DOUGLAS, wringing his hand, "you're a brick. +You always think of the right thing, and are ready to do it." + +DOUGLAS paused to wipe away tear drawn from his sensitive glands by +this evidence of self-sacrifice. When he'd done it, looking again +at FITZGERALD'S briskly-retreating figure, couldn't help noting +how smartly he was got up; summer pants; white waistcoat; the short +"reefer," familiar in the Lobby, cast aside for the courtly frock +coat; observed him as he strode forth, producing pair of lavender +kid gloves. + +"Odd," said DOUGLAS, reflectively. "FITZGERALD never expected to go +to Garden Party; down here to help me; sudden emergency, and spirit +of self-devotion, suggested to him to run over, and see what could +be done; happy chance to find him, by exception, in the right rig. +It would never have done for him to rush over to Marlborough House to +meet the QUEEN in his 'reefer.' Curious, when I come to think of it. +Hope there's not more in it than meets the eye." + +_But there was._ + +Debate on ROBERTSON'S Amendment abruptly closed; Division rushed; +position of Government critical; AKERS-DOUGLAS anxiously on look-out +for FITZGERALD and the Marlborough House relief party; but they came +not, and on Division Government saved by skin of teeth and eight +votes. An hour later, PENROSE FITZGERALD returned to Lobby with +guilty look; carefully avoided AKERS-DOUGLAS; that able captain too +broken-hearted at the perfidy to be angry; "NOAH'S dove didn't treat +him so," he said to himself; but all he said to FITZGERALD was, +"Pleasant Party at Marlborough House, I suppose?" "Yee-es," said +FITZGERALD; "rather; couldn't get back quite as soon as I expected." + +_Business done._--Irish Votes in Supply. + +[Illustration: Haste to the Wedding.] + +_Tuesday._--Regular set-to of Irish Members on Prince ARTHUR. MADDEN +gallantly threw himself across body of his chief, but got such fearful +pummelling retired into silence for rest of sitting. What made it +worse for ARTHUR was Chairman's ruling; pulled him up more than +once amid loud cheers from Opposition. TIM HEALY on war-path; quotes +TENNYSON with odd variation; represents Prince ARTHUR as saying of +Irish Members, "You have not got the pose that marks the cast of VERE +DE VERE." Proceedings occasionally lively; grow a little monotonous +after first five hours. Met STUART hurrying off, humming to himself +the air, "_Haste to the Wedding_." + +"Aren't you going to stay for division?" I asked. + +"No," said he. "I mustered; strikes only on the box; when you ask +for it, see that you get it; none other genuine. Have an important +engagement to-morrow morning. If you're waking COLMAN early, COLMAN +early, TOBY dear." + +Stared at this incoherent speech; thought at first he was mad or had +dined. Then I remembered that to-morrow, at Norfolk, he marries Miss +COLMAN. + +_Business done._--More Irish Votes. + +_Thursday._--_E pur si muove_; that is to say, it _will_ move; they'll +all move, in spite of BRAMWELL. London, probably, the only population +in the world that possesses the supernatural patience necessary to +submit to having its movements obstructed by bars and gates put +up across some of its principal thoroughfares. Oddly enough, they +congregate round congeries of Railway Stations in the North. To-day, +ROSEBERY in Lords moves Second Reading of Bill designed to have them +swept away. BRAMWELL protests. "Speaking," he said, "in name of over +two hundred people who live in district affected by the Bill, I ask +your Lordships to reject it." This too much even for House of Lords. +That alleged luxury of two hundred people should weigh against +convenience of the population of London was a little monstrous. +BRAMWELL kept his countenance admirably. LORD CHANCELLOR looked on +admiringly. + +"That's the man for _me_, TOBY," he said. "If we could only have +a House of Lords all BRAMWELLS, with me on Woolsack, we'd make Old +England once more a merry spot." + +Rest of House, however, would not enter into joke. MARKISS admitted +that, being a constant passenger by Great Northern Railway, he +generally "said a dam" when passing these gates. This felt to be a +shocking state of things. Gates and bars must be bundled off, if only +to prevent use of bad language by PRIME MINISTER. BRAMWELL reluctantly +admitted this, still pleading with touching eloquence for preservation +of the obstruction. + +"My Lords," he said, "think of what you're doing to this great +capital, of which we are all so justly proud. The Tower has become a +disused place, and its historic hill no more reverberates to the merry +chopping of the headsman's axe. Temple Bar has gone, and long ago have +vanished the heads that used to look wistfully down on the passing +chairmen. The chairmen themselves have sped into eternity, and in +their place circles the Hansom cab. No more does the lovely, lonely +oil lamp swing at the corners of our streets. Your Lordships can +wend your way homeward as far West as Kensington, or as far North as +Highbury, without meeting the casual footpad. The town is drained; the +river is embanked; our streets are paved; and we have a penny post. +Almost all that is left to us of the good old times are these bars, +arbitrarily set up across our thoroughfare, watched by a gentleman in +a seedy suit, and a rain-beaten hat girt with tarnished golden lace. +I beseech your Lordships, by your memories of infancy, by your love of +our old Constitution, by the faith of your Order, by your fidelity +to your Sovereign, to spare these last lingering relics of the London +that helped to make our Empire great." + +[Illustration: "As if in Church."] + +House plainly touched at this outburst of eloquence. Lord BANGOR +closed his eyes, and clasped his hands, as if in Church. If there +can be any arrangement made in Committee by which the gates and bars, +after removal, may be placed in convenient order round BRAMWELL'S +residence, so that he shall be forced to make _détours_ as he goes +about his daily business, it shall be done. With this understanding, +Amendment withdrawn, and Bill read Second Time. + +_Business done._--In Commons, more about Irish Votes. + +_Friday._--Vote for Irish Prisons Board on in Committee of Supply. +Interesting conversation between Prince ARTHUR and recent inmates +of the prisons. O'BRIEN protests that the treatment was abominable. +Prince ARTHUR cites O'B.'s personal appearance in proof that things +are not so bad as they are painted. "Four times you've been in +prison," he urged, "and see how well you look." DILLON takes objection +to the prison garb; discloses strong yearning to see Prince ARTHUR +arrayed in it. ARTHUR quite content with his present tailor. +SHAW-LEFEVRE joins in conversation; ARTHUR looks at him longingly. +"They say we shan't be in office another year, TOBY," he observed, as +SHAW-LEFEVRE proceeded at some length; "but I should like to be CHIEF +SECRETARY long enough to get a chance of running SHAW-LEFEVRE in. He's +very slippery; knows how near he may go without incurring actual risk; +but I'll have him some day." _Business done_.--Irish Votes happily +concluded. + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING STYLE. + +(_WITH EXAMPLES._) + +_Prefatory Note._--It is a common mistake to suppose that the present +generation frowns upon the literary achievements of the descriptive +reporter who chronicles the great deeds of athletes, oarsmen, +pugilists, and sportsmen generally. On the contrary, if we may pretend +to judge from a wide and long-continued study, we should say that +the _vates sacer_ of the present day, though he may not rival his +predecessors in refinement and classical allusion, is by no means +inferior to them in wealth of language and picturesque irrelevancy. +Sporting reporting, in fact, was never more of a fine art, and on the +whole has rarely been better paid, than it is at the present day. In +the hope that many a young journalist may be helped in his struggle +for fame and fortune, _Mr. Punch_ proposes to publish a short manual +of sporting reports, with examples and short notes, that may explain +the _technique_ of the business to the aspirant. + +[Illustration] + +RULES. + +1. Always remember that you are a sporting reporter, and be as +sportive as you can. The dig-in-the-ribs and chuck-her-under-the-chin +style is always effective. + +2. Speak of everybody by his Christian name or his nick-name. + +3. If you think a man ought to have a nickname, invent one for him. + +4. Employ stock quotations wherever they are least required, and give +a music-hall flavour to every report. + +5. If possible, misquote. + +6. Avoid all simple language. + +7. Patronise all titled sportsmen, and pat wealthy bookmakers on the +back. + +8. Never miss an opportunity of showing that you are on familiar terms +with the sun, moon, rain, wind, and weather in general. Do this, as +a rule, by means of classical tags vulgarised down to the level of a +costermonger's cart. + +9. Spin out your sentences. + +10. Mix up your metaphors, moods, tenses, singulars, plurals, and the +sense generally. + +11. Refer often to "the good old days" you don't remember, and bewail +the decadence of sport of all kinds. + +12. Occasionally be haughty and contemptuous, and make a parade of +rugged and incorruptible honesty. In short, be as vain and offensive +as you can. + +13. Set yourself up as an infallible judge of every branch of sport +and athletics. + +_First Example_.--Event to be reported: An American pugilist arrives +at Euston, and is received by his English friends and sympathisers. + +O'FLAHERTY IN ENGLAND. + +ARRIVAL OF THE CHAMPION. HIS RECEPTION. WHAT HE THINKS OF ENGLAND. + +It was somewhere towards "the witching hour of noon" that the broad +and splendid artery of commerce, to wit, the Euston Road, became, for +the nonce, a scene of unwonted, and ever-increasing excitement. Old +Plu[1] had promised, as per Admiral FITZROY'S patent hocus-pocusser, +to give us a taste of his quality; and it is unnecessary, in this +connection, to observe that the venerable disciple of Swithin the +Saint was as good as his word. But Britons never never shall be +slaves. England expected every man to do his duty. Forward the Light +Brigade, and so on to where glory and an express train were waiting, +or would be waiting, before you had time to knock a tenpenny nail on +the head twice. The company on the platform comprised the _élite_ of +the sporting world. "Bluff" TOMMY POPPIN, the ever courteous host of +"The Chequers," "BILL" TOOTWON, by his friends yclept the Masher, JAKE +RUMBELO, the middle-weight World's Champion, were all there, wreathed +in silvery smiles, and all on the nod, on the nod, on the nod, as the +poet hath it, though why "hath it" no man can tell, in words that will +last while Old Sol, the shiner, drives his spanking tits along the +azure road. Punctual to the moment the train steamed into the station, +and the giant form of O'FLAHERTY, the "man in a million," leaped out +of the railway carriage, amid the plaudits of all the blue blood of +England's sports. In answer to inquiries the Champion laughingly +said, "he guessed this was a mighty wet country for a dry man," and +proceeded to the refreshment-room, where he "asked a p'leece-man"--oh +no, not at all, but, "Deep as the rolling Zuyder Zee, he drank the +foaming juice of Grapes." Thence a move was made to the palatial +office of the _Sporting Standard_, where the Champion was introduced +to the Staff. Hands all round followed, and a glorious day wound up +with a visit to the theatrical resorts of the latter-day Babylon, +in company with some of the right sort, though these be getting both +fewer and farther between than in the good old days. + +[Footnote 1: An agreeable variant for this is Ju. P.] + + * * * * * + +AUSTRALIA AT ST. PAUL'S. + + [On the 17th of July the Earl of ROSEBERY unveiled a Memorial + erected in St. Paul's Cathedral to the late Right Hon. WILLIAM + BEDE DALLEY, of New South Wales, mainly through whose personal + exertions, when Chief Secretary to the Ministry there, the + Colonial Contingent was dispatched to the aid of England in + the Soudan. This, as Lord ROSEBERY said, is the first Memorial + which has been erected to a Colonist in our Metropolitan + Cathedral.] + + The mighty Empire reared upon the main, + He "cherished, served, and laboured to maintain." + And who will doubt the claim by this made good + To neighbouring NELSON, and our COLLINGWOOD? + His country holds her loyal son's remains; + But here, whilst WREN'S huge dome rolls back the strains + Of the great organ's golden mouths, or while + Paean or requiem sounds along the aisle + Sacred to mighty memories, DALLEY'S name + Inscribed amongst our home-born heirs of fame + Shall stand, and show to all our Island brood + Australia's love, and England's gratitude. + + * * * * * + +VERY MUCH AT SEA. + +As there appears to be some confusion with regard to the exact nature +of the programme scheme for the forthcoming Naval Autumn Manoeuvres, +the following sketch, gleaned from recent inquiry on the subject made +at Whitehall, may, if he can manage to follow it, possibly serve to +enlighten the uninitiated outsider. + +[Illustration] + +An enemy's fleet, having, it is supposed, escaped the vigilance of +the Channel Squadron, consisting of H.M. First-class Battle-ship +_Blunderer_, accompanied by the third-class cruiser _Jack-ass_, and +the torpedo-boats _Corkscrew_ and _Tooth-brush_, which, also it is +supposed, represent a fleet of thirty-six iron-clads, twenty-six +armoured cruisers, attended by fifty torpedo vessels, have sailed +victoriously up the Thames, and, having seized the Serpentine, command +the, equally supposed, Milk Supply of Bayswater, Paddington, and +the whole of the North of London. This news having been conveyed to +another fancied fleet that is covering a convoy of ships, imagined to +be attempting to land corn, that they have brought from ports across +the Atlantic, simultaneously at Pegwell Bay, Margate, and the Isle +of Dogs, it is again supposed that, acting under sealed orders, +they elude the enemy, and dividing their forces, make for Gravesend, +Liverpool, Dundee, "The Welsh Harp" at Hendon, and Yarmouth. The +problem, therefore, presented to Admiral FLYOFF, who is in command of +the defending squadrons, will be, after utilising the supposed coast +defences, and mining the Serpentine, to force the enemy to accept +the issue of an open action on the Regent's Canal, and the Ornamental +Water at the Crystal Palace. Failing this, it will be left to the +Umpires, who, being supposed to be in several places at the same time, +will be provided with a tricycle, fog-horn, and telescope, to enable +them to adjudge the exact amount of success or failure following +respectively on each effort, with as near a resemblance as is possible +to the probable issues in real warfare. Any matters remaining in +dispute and undecided, will be ultimately settled by the First Lord, +who will toss up with a two-headed halfpenny, specially provided for, +in the Estimates, for the purpose. + +A glance at the above will show that the scheme, though simple in +conception, may easily become complicated; but if kept in view, with +an accompanying reference to the daily letters of the Correspondents +of five Penny Papers, by anyone, who will further pick out the names +and positions of places named, and mark them with pins on the Railway +Map attached to _Bradshaw's Guide_, it may serve to throw some light +on the course of events, and leave the inquiring investigator, though +still very much at sea, yet in possession of some scraps of useful +information. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Vol. 99., July 26, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12292 *** |