diff options
Diffstat (limited to '12283-h/12283-h.htm')
| -rw-r--r-- | 12283-h/12283-h.htm | 8409 |
1 files changed, 8409 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/12283-h/12283-h.htm b/12283-h/12283-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd5e6cd --- /dev/null +++ b/12283-h/12283-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8409 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Windows (vers 1st February 2004), see www.w3.org"> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content= +"text/html; charset=UTF-8"> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Soul of a Child, by Edwin +Bjorkman.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12283 ***</div> + +<h1>THE SOUL OF A CHILD</h1> +<h4>BY</h4> +<h3>EDWIN BJÖRKMAN</h3> +<h4>1922</h4> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> +<center> +<h3><a href="#PART_I">PART I.</a></h3> +[<a href="#I_I">I</a>] [<a href="#I_II">II</a>] [<a href= +"#I_III">III</a>] [<a href="#I_IV">IV</a>] [<a href="#I_V">V</a>] +[<a href="#I_VI">VI</a>] [<a href="#I_VII">VII</a>] [<a href= +"#I_VIII">VIII</a>] [<a href="#I_IX">IX</a>] [<a href= +"#I_X">X</a>]<br> +[<a href="#I_XI">XI</a>] [<a href="#I_XII">XII</a>] [<a href= +"#I_XIII">XIII</a>] [<a href="#I_XIV">XIV</a>] [<a href= +"#I_XV">XV</a>] [<a href="#I_XVI">XVI</a>] [<a href= +"#I_XVII">XVII</a>] [<a href="#I_XVIII">XVIII</a>] [<a href= +"#I_XIX">XIX</a>] [<a href="#I_XX">XX</a>]<br> +[<a href="#I_XXI">XXI</a>] [<a href="#I_XXII">XXII</a>] [<a href= +"#I_XXIII">XXIII</a>] [<a href="#I_XXIV">XXIV</a>]<br> +<br> +<br> +<h3><a href="#PART_II">PART II.</a></h3> +[<a href="#II_I">I</a>] [<a href="#II_II">II</a>] [<a href= +"#II_III">III</a>] [<a href="#II_IV">IV</a>] [<a href= +"#II_V">V</a>] [<a href="#II_VI">VI</a>] [<a href= +"#II_VII">VII</a>] [<a href="#II_VIII">VIII</a>] [<a href= +"#II_IX">IX</a>] [<a href="#II_X">X</a>]<br> +[<a href="#II_XI">XI</a>] [<a href="#II_XII">XII</a>] [<a href= +"#II_XIII">XIII</a>] [<a href="#II_XIV">XIV</a>] [<a href= +"#II_XV">XV</a>] [<a href="#II_XVI">XVI</a>] [<a href= +"#II_XVII">XVII</a>] [<a href="#II_XVIII">XVIII</a>] [<a href= +"#II_XIX">XIX</a>] [<a href="#II_XX">XX</a>]<br> +<br> +<br> +<h3><a href="#PART_III">PART III.</a></h3> +[<a href="#III_I">I</a>] [<a href="#III_II">II</a>] [<a href= +"#III_III">III</a>] [<a href="#III_IV">IV</a>] [<a href= +"#III_V">V</a>] [<a href="#III_VI">VI</a>] [<a href= +"#III_VII">VII</a>] [<a href="#III_VIII">VIII</a>] [<a href= +"#III_IX">IX</a>] [<a href="#III_X">X</a>]<br> +[<a href="#III_XI">XI</a>] [<a href="#III_XII">XII</a>] [<a href= +"#III_XIII">XIII</a>] [<a href="#III_XIV">XIV</a>] [<a href= +"#III_XV">XV</a>] [<a href="#III_XVI">XVI</a>] [<a href= +"#III_XVII">XVII</a>] [<a href="#III_XVIII">XVIII</a>] [<a href= +"#III_XIX">XIX</a>] [<a href="#III_XX">XX</a>]<br> +[<a href="#III_XXI">XXI</a>] [<a href="#III_XXII">XXII</a>] +[<a href="#III_XXIII">XXIII</a>]<br> +<br> +<h3><a href="#PART_IV">PART IV.</a></h3> +[<a href="#IV_I">I</a>] [<a href="#IV_II">II</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_III">III</a>] [<a href="#IV_IV">IV</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_V">V</a>] [<a href="#IV_VI">VI</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_VII">VII</a>] [<a href="#IV_VIII">VIII</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_IX">IX</a>] [<a href="#IV_X">X</a>]<br> +[<a href="#IV_XI">XI</a>] [<a href="#IV_XII">XII</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_XIII">XIII</a>] [<a href="#IV_XIV">XIV</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_XV">XV</a>] [<a href="#IV_XVI">XVI</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_XVII">XVII</a>] [<a href="#IV_XVIII">XVIII</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_XIX">XIX</a>] [<a href="#IV_XX">XX</a>]<br> +[<a href="#IV_XXI">XXI</a>] [<a href="#IV_XXII">XXII</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_XXIII">XXIII</a>] [<a href="#IV_XXIV">XXIV</a>] [<a href= +"#IV_XXV">XXV</a>]</center> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h1><a name="PART_I"></a>PART I</h1> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_I"></a>I</h2> +<br> +<p>The oldest part of Stockholm is a little rocky island. Once it +was the whole city. Popularly it is still spoken of as "The City." +At one end of it stands the huge square-cut pile of the Royal +Palace, looking with solemn indifference toward the more modern +quarters across the ever hurried waters of the North River. Nearer +the centre, and at the very top of the island, lies an open place +called Great Square, which used to play a most important part in +Swedish history, but which now serves no better purpose than to +house the open-air toy market that operates the last week before +Christmas.</p> +<p>Long narrow streets loop concentrically about Great Square. They +are lined with massive structures of stone and brick, four and five +stories high, that used to be the homes of court and government +officials, of army and navy officers, of burghers made prosperous +by an extensive domestic and foreign trade, while on the ground +floors were located the choicest shops of the country's capital. +The shops are still there, but they have grown dingy and cheap, and +they administer only to the casual needs of the humble middle-class +people crowded into the old-fashioned, gloomy apartments above.</p> +<p>From the square to the water-fronts radiate a number of still +more narrow and squalid lanes, harbouring a population which is +held inferior to that of the streets in social rank without yet +being willing to have itself classed with the manual toilers of the +suburbs. Halfway down the slope of such a lane, and almost within +the shadow of the palace, stood the house where Keith first arrived +at some sort of consciousness of himself and the surrounding +world.</p> +<p>On the fourth floor his parents occupied a three-room flat. The +parlour and the living-room had two windows each, looking into the +lane. The kitchen in the rear opened a single window on the +narrowest, barest, darkest courtyard you ever saw, its one +redeeming feature being a glimpse of sky above the red-tiled roof +of the building opposite.</p> +<p>In such surroundings Keith spent the better part of his first +sixteen years.</p> +<p>He was an only son, much loved, and one of his first conscious +realizations was a sharp sense of restraint, as if he had been tied +to a string by which he was pulled back as soon as anything +promised to become interesting.</p> +<p>At first he thought the world made up entirely of those three +rooms, where he, his parents, Granny--his maternal grandmother--and +a more or less transient servant girl had lived for ever. Visitors +drifted in, of course, but he seemed to think that they had come +from nowhere and would return to the same place. What instilled the +first idea of a wider outside world in his mind was leaning out +through one of the windows, with his mother's arm clutched tightly +about his waist.</p> +<p>There was something symbolic in that clutch, for his mother was +always full of fear that dire things befall him. She was afraid of +many other things besides, and the need of being constantly worried +was probably his second clear realization.</p> +<p>But the clasp of his mother's arm was soft and tender for all +that. Her inclination to humour him in sundry respects not implying +too much freedom of movement contrasted favourably with the sterner +restraint exercised by his father. And so it was only natural that, +to begin with, he should cling no less closely to her than she to +him.</p> +<p>Leaning out of the front windows was one of the favorite +pursuits of his earliest childhood, and during the summer it could +be indulged to a reasonable extent.</p> +<p>Across the lane, not more than twenty-five feet distant, was +another building, the upper parts of which he could see even when +the windows were closed. It was much darker of aspect than their +own house, and he knew that no people lived in it. He called it the +distillery, just as he heard his parents do, without knowing what +the word meant. Staring as he might into its dark windows, he could +as a rule see nothing but the grimy panes, because in the back of +it there was no courtyard at all--nothing but a solid wall without +a single opening in it.</p> +<p>Now and then however, he would spy the flickering light of an +open-wick lamp move about on the floor level with their own. In the +fitful, smoke-enshrouded glow of that lamp he would catch fleeting +glimpses of clumsy figures and spooklike faces bending over huge +round objects, while at the same time, if the windows were open, he +would hear much mysterious tapping and knocking. It was all very +puzzling and not quite pleasant, so that on midwinter afternoons, +when he was still awake after dark, he would not care to look very +long at the house opposite, and the drawing of the shades came as +an actual relief.</p> +<p>Letting his glance drop straight down from one of their windows, +he saw, at a dizzying depth, the cobbles of the lane, lined on +either side by a gutter made out of huge smooth stones. There was +often water in the gutter even on dry days, when the intense +blueness of the sky-strip overhead showed that the sun must be +shining brightly. Sometimes the water was thick and beautifully +coloured, and then he yearned to get down and put his hands into +it. But to do so, he gathered from his mother, would not only be +dangerous and contrary to her will and wish, but quite out of the +question for some other reason that he could not grasp. His +mother's standing expression for it was:</p> +<p>"No <i>nice</i> little boy would ever do that."</p> +<p>Keith's third realization in the way of self-consciousness was +an uneasy doubt of his own inherent nicety, for he soon discovered +that whatever was thus particularly forbidden seemed to himself +particularly desirable.</p> +<p>At times he saw children playing down there--perhaps in the very +gutter for which he was longing. To him they appeared entirely like +himself, but to his mother's eye they were evidently objectionable +in the same way as the gutter. There were not many of them, +however, and it was a long time before two or three of them began +to return with sufficient regularity to assume a distinct identity +in his mind.</p> +<p>Older people came and went, but never many of them, and hardly +ever more than one or two at a time. Nor did he care very much. +More attractive was the sight of long, horse-drawn carts with +narrow bodies resting on two small wheels set about the centre. +Generally they stopped in front of the distillery to load or unload +heavy casks or barrels of varying size. The loading was more +exciting by far, especially when the barrels were large, for then +the men had to use all their strength to roll them up the gangway +of two loose beams laid from the pavement to the cart, and to time +their efforts they shouted or chanted noisily--much to Keith's joy +and the disgust of his mother. On such occasions the air of the +lane was apt to take on a special pungency, and as he sniffed it, +he would have a sensation of mixed pleasure and revulsion. At other +times when the carts stopped in front of the warehouse below the +distillery, odours of an exclusively enjoyable character would +tickle his nostrils--odours that later he might encounter in their +own kitchen and identify with matters pleasing to the palate as +well as to the nose.</p> +<p>There were in all only eight houses on both sides of the lane. +Four of these were the rear parts of the corner houses facing +respectively on the Quay, at the foot of the lane and on East Long +Street, at its head. Beyond the latter there was nothing but +another wall full of windows, just like the walls flanking the lane +itself. The traffic on the street was more lively and varied, but +there was not much about it to catch and hold his interest.</p> +<p>Almost invariably Keith turned his head in the other direction +the moment he had poked it out of the window and been pulled back +by his mother to a position of greater safety. There, at the foot +of the lane, only a stone's throw distant, opened the stony expanse +of the quay across which surged a veritable multitude of men and +animals and vehicles at all hours of the day. At the end of the +Quay, silhouetted against blue or grey or green water, appeared +commonly the blunt nose or the flag-draped stern of a big steamer, +but hardly ever the middle part of a hull with bridge or masts. And +Keith could never recall whether the complete shape of a full-sized +vessel was finally revealed to him by reality or by that reflection +of it which, at an uncannily premature age, he began to find in +books.</p> +<p>The main feature of the view, however--a sort of narrow Japanese +panel where childish eyes perceived everything as on a flat +surface--was that it continued upwards: first, a lot of water, +ripped and curled by busily scurrying steam launches and tugs, +streaked by plodding rowboats, and, at rare times, adorned by a +white-sailed yacht; then, still higher up, a shore with many trees +that drew the soul magnetically by their summer verdure; and, +finally, a brightly red, toylike fort, crowned by a small embattled +tower flying the blue and yellow Swedish flag at the top. Here was +another world, indeed, larger and brighter by far, and more richly +varied, than that of his home and the lane below and the dingy +courtyard in the back.</p> +<p>So he began to ask questions, and one of the first things he +learned, to his great astonishment, was that he had not always +lived in the same place--that he had been born, whatever that +meant, in another and unmistakably more desirable part of the +city.</p> +<p>"But why did we come here," he asked, trying instinctively to +keep his voice from sounding regretful or petulant.</p> +<p>"Because the bank owns this house," his mother replied. "And +because papa acts as landlord for it, and we don't have to pay any +rent here."</p> +<p>Out of this confusing answer he retained a single idea: the +bank. It was in the home air, so to speak. Evidently his father was +closely connected with it, and this was good for the whole family. +For a little while the boy imagined that his father was the bank. +Later he began to think of it as some sort of superlatively +powerful being that, alone in the whole world, ranked above his +father even. Still later--much later--he began to suspect a +relationship between the bank and his father resembling that +between his father and himself. And he read out of his father's +words and miens a sense of dissatisfaction not unlike the one he +felt when he was forced to do what he did not want, or prevented +from doing what he wanted.</p> +<p>This was his fourth fundamental realization: of powers beyond +those directly represented within the home; powers of compelling +importance that might, or might not, be kindly; powers before which +all and everything within his own narrow world had to bow down in +helpless submission. In the end this one undoubtedly became the +most significant of all his early realizations. It tended gradually +to lessen his awe of parental authority so that, at a very early +age, he developed the courage to shape his own life and opinions +regardless of his immediate surroundings. At the same time, strange +as it may seem, it inspired him with a general respect for +established authority from which he could never quite free +himself.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_II"></a>II</h2> +<br> +<p>"Why don't I remember when we came here," Keith asked his mother +one day after she had let out the startling fact of his being born +elsewhere.</p> +<p>"Because it happened before you began to remember things," she +said a little warily.</p> +<p>As frequently was the case, her reply puzzled him more than the +fact it was meant to explain, and so he asked no more questions +that time.</p> +<p>On the whole, he lived completely in the present, and rather on +the edge nearest the future, so that a teacher later said of him +that he was in constant danger of "falling off forward." Highstrung +and restless, sitting still did not come naturally until he had +learned to read books all by himself, and he could hardly be called +introspective. While prone to futile regrets, largely under the +influence of his mother's morbid attitude, he gave little attention +as a rule to what was past and gone.</p> +<p>Here was an exception, however--something concerning the past +that stirred his curiosity powerfully--and it became his first +subject for brooding.</p> +<p>He could remember all sorts of things, of course. And it seemed +that he had always remembered them. Yet his mother was able to tell +him things of which he knew nothing at all, although they had +happened to himself. There might be any number of such things. What +were they? Could he recall any of them by thinking hard enough?</p> +<p>When this problem laid hold of his mind he would retire to the +corner between the big bureau and the right-hand window in the +living-room, which, by formal conferment, was reserved for him as +his own "play-room." The space in that nook was large enough to +hold a small chair, a table to match, and a few toy boxes. There he +would sit staring blindly at his toys until his mother anxiously +inquired what was the matter with him.</p> +<p>The great question taking precedence of all the rest was: what +was the very first thing he could remember?</p> +<p>With puckered brows and peering pupils he would send his gaze +back into the misty past, and out of it emerged invariably the same +image.</p> +<p>He saw himself seated on a small wooden horse fastened to a +little platform with wheels under it. The horse was black with +white spots, and possessed a nobly curved neck, a head with ears on +top of it, and a pair of fiercely red nostrils.</p> +<p>The next thing recurring to his mind was a sense of swift, +exhilarating movement. His father stood at one end of the +living-room, his mother at the other, and the horse with himself on +it was being pushed rapidly back and forth between them.</p> +<p>He could even hear his own joyous shouts as his father sent the +horse careering across the floor by an extra strong push. The +general impression left behind by the whole scene was one of +happiness so acute that nothing else in his life compared with +it.</p> +<p>Was it a real memory? If so, when did it happen? And what had +become of the horse?</p> +<p>Finally the pressure from within became too strong and he +blurted out the whole story to his mother in order to make sure of +what it meant.</p> +<p>"You never had a horse large enough to sit on," she declared +emphatically.</p> +<p>"You have been dreaming, child," Granny put in.</p> +<p>"What would the neighbours below have said," his mother +continued. "And the rag carpets on the floor would have caught the +wheels, anyhow."</p> +<p>Removing the rag carpets except for purposes of cleaning was one +of the unforgivable sins, by the bye.</p> +<p>"And it isn't like your father either," Granny added after a +while, not without a suggestion of bitterness in her voice.</p> +<p>"Carl is always tired when he comes home," Keith's mother +rejoined in a tone that put an end to further discussion.</p> +<p>Granny's point made an impression on Keith's mind nevertheless. +As far as he could actually remember, his father had on no occasion +showed such a jolly spirit or done anything that could be used as +basis for a belief in that one questionable recollection.</p> +<p>At all times of the day Keith was enjoined to keep +quiet--because his mother was not well, or because of the +neighbours, or just because "nice children should not make a +noise"--but it was only after his father's return home that these +injunctions must be taken quite seriously. The father's appearance +brought an instantaneous change in the atmosphere of the place, the +boy strove instinctly to be as little noticeable as possible. If +his mercurial temperament lured him into temporary forgetfulness, a +single stern word from the father sent him back into silence and +the refuge of his own corner--or into bed.</p> +<p>But the more he considered and conceded the unlikeliness of the +scene projected by some part of his mind with such persistency, the +more passionately he craved it to be a real memory of something +that had really happened to himself.</p> +<p>Perhaps it was merely a dream, as Granny had suggested. Perhaps +it was something he had wished....</p> +<p>Anyhow, he did wish that his father would let him come a little +closer to himself at times--not in the same way his mother did, but +as he did in the dream--or whatever it was....</p> +<p>Once more he fell into a deep study of when he had begun to +remember so hard that he could still remember it. Out of this he +was awakened by his mother's voice:</p> +<p>"What <i>is</i> the matter, Keith?"</p> +<p>"I don't know what to play," he replied out of policy, as it +might bring him something either in the way of a diversion or a +treat. There were still some of mother's delectable ginger snaps +left over from the Christmas baking.</p> +<p>"Your soldiers are right in front of you," his mother said in a +voice holding out no hope.</p> +<p>So Keith returned to the tin soldiers that were his most +cherished toys--perhaps because they drew fewer protests from above +than anything else, as being least conductive to outbursts of +youthful vivacity. Judging by the earnest attention with which he +manoeuvred them on his own little table or, in moments of special +dispensation, on the collapsible dining table placed against the +wall between the two windows in the living-room, he ought to have +ended as a general.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_III"></a>III</h2> +<br> +<p>All through his life Keith retained a queer inclination to +arrange furniture very precisely at right angles to the wall as +close to it as possible. It was a direct outcome of his first and +most deeply rooted impressions, received in that parental +living-room, where every inch of space had been carefully +calculated, and where the smallest nook was filled by a chair, or a +footstool, or some other minor object. In later years he often +wondered how a single room of modest proportions could hold so much +of furniture and of life.</p> +<p>It was bedroom and study, dining-room and nursery, workroom and +parlour. There the morning toilet was made, and there his first +lessons were learned. There the father did his reading, of which he +was very fond, and there the mother sewed, darned, embroidered, +wrote letters, gave household orders, told fairy tales, and +received visitors. There the simple daily meals were served for all +but Granny, who clung obstinately to the kitchen, and there friends +were feasted and cards played at nameday and birthday parties. And +there three people slept every night.</p> +<p>Of course, excursions could be made, particularly to the kitchen +where Granny was always restlessly waiting for "one more kiss," and +once in a great while to the "best room" which mostly was occupied +by some stranger whose small weekly rent paid the servant's wages. +But to the living-room one always returned in the end, and during +his first years this narrow confinement did not strike Keith as a +hardship.</p> +<p>The room seemed quite large to him at that time, with distances +and vistas and diversions sufficient for his childish fancy. It was +a pleasant room, with brightly striped rag carpets on the floor and +two pretty large windows framed by snow-white lace curtains. +Crammed as it was with objects needed for its many different uses, +it was always kept in a state of the most scrupulous order and +instant disaster followed any attempt as a disarrangement.</p> +<p>It was a whole world by itself, full of interesting things for a +small boy to puzzle over. It was also a world in evolution. Every +so often a piece of furniture would disappear and a better one take +its place, to be studied and admired and tried out again and again. +Back of every improvement lay a unifying ambition. Its key-word was +mahogany. The superior social respectability of this wood could not +be disputed, and it had a sort of natural dignity that harmonized +with the father's solid taste--though the mother might have +preferred something lighter and brighter. And a microcosm of +mahogany might, after all, be worth living for when loftier +illusions had gone on the scrap heap.</p> +<p>Practically everything in the room had a history as well as a +special place. There was the main chest of drawers, for instance, +known as "mamma's bureau" and placed near one of the windows, where +a good light fell on the swinging mirror forming a separate piece +on top of it. A journeyman carpenter had made that chest to prove +himself a master of his trade under the old gild rules. Then he put +it up at lottery to raise money with which to open a shop of his +own. Keith's father bought a lot while still engaged, and won the +prize which became the chief wedding present of his bride--to be +cherished above all other objects to her dying day.</p> +<p>It was really a fine piece of work, of mahogany, with daintily +carved and twisted columns along the front corners, and so highly +polished that Keith could see his own face in the rich brown +glimmer of its surfaces. It had four drawers. The three lower ones +were divided between the parents and held all sorts of things, from +shirts and socks to mother's mahogany yard stick, which had a +turned handle and a tapering blade that made it pass excellent +muster as a sword. The top drawer could only be pulled out halfway, +but then the front of it came down and it changed into a writing +desk, with an intriguing array of small drawers and pigeonholes at +the back of it, and a suspicion of alluring and unattainable +treasures in every separate receptacle. To ransack all of these was +Keith's most audacious dream, but when the dream came true at last, +it was fraught with no ecstasy of realization, for he was a +middle-aged man, and in the room behind him his mother lay +dead....</p> +<p>The mirror was flanked by two small square mahogany boxes, one +holding medicines and the other tobacco. Little mats, some +crocheted and some wonderfully composed of differently coloured +glass beads, were used to protect the boxes as well as the top of +the bureau from being scratched, and on them stood several small +groups and figures of porcelain. One of these was Keith's special +favourite and his first introduction to that world where beauty +takes precedence of goodness and truth. It showed a lady and a +gentleman in dresses of a colour and cut wholly unlike anything +seen by Keith on the real persons coming within his ken. They were +seated on a richly ornamented sofa before a tea table, and there +was something about the manner in which they looked at each other +that spoke more loudly than their bright costumes of things lying +beyond ordinary existence.</p> +<p>There was also a nice little girl with a doll viewing herself +complacently in a real mirror, and a lady in bloomers, apparently +of Oriental pattern, who rowed a boat hardly larger than herself, +that was raised almost on end by terrific waves. All three groups +had this in common, that when you removed the ornamental upper +part, a previously unsuspected inkstand was revealed. There was a +period when Keith seriously believed that all specimens of the +keramic art were inkstands in disguise.</p> +<p>Art not represented on the bureau alone, however. The walls +contained a number of steel engravings in gilt frames, quaint old +coloured prints, family photographs, and pink-coloured reliefs of +various Swedish kings made out of wax and mounted under convex +glass panes on highly polished black boards. But all of those +objects were flat and distant and colourless in comparison with the +things on the bureau that could be touched as well as seen. As for +the group with the lady and the gentlemen, it had only one rival in +the boy's mind, and that was the big clock in a wooden case that +hung on the wall between the windows over the dining table. The +hide-and-seek of the restless pendulum with its shining brass disc +was a constant source of fascination in itself, and so were the +strange operations performed by the father in front of the clock +every Sunday morning, when diversions were particularly welcome on +account of the extra restrictions on play. But its main charm +rested in the strangely pleasing sounds it produced every so often, +preceded by a funny rattle that warned small folk and big of what +was going to happen. It was Keith's first acquaintance with +music.</p> +<p>The parents' bed occupied the centre of the right-hand wall, +between mamma's bureau and another chest of drawers known as +"Granny's bureau." It was all wood and made in two parts that slid +into each other, reducing the daytime width of the bed by one-half. +It stood parallel to the wall, instead of at right angles, and the +extension took place sideways. At night it looked like an ordinary +double bed. In the day it almost disappeared beneath a rectangular +pile of bed-clothing, covered by a snow-white spread that was +pulled and smoothed and tucked until it hung straight as a +wall.</p> +<p>Granny's bureau, old-fashioned and clumsy, but made of some +native wood that glimmered like gold, was largely devoted to linen +ware for bed and table. At the top it had two small drawers instead +of a long, and one of these constituted the first storage place set +aside for Keith's special use. His impression was that it had +always been his, and once he asked his mother if it really had been +his before he was born.</p> +<p>"Of course it was," she said with a sly smile, "but we took the +liberty to use it for other purposes until you arrived"</p> +<p>At first glance this seemed quite reasonable to Keith, though +nothing to smile at so far as he could see. Later he became +conscious of a vague sense of annoyance. It would have been more +pleasant if no one else had ever used that drawer.</p> +<p>Across the room from Granny's bureau, in the corner just inside +the door to the kitchen, towered the characteristic Swedish oven--a +round column of white glazed bricks, with highly polished brass +shutters in front of the small cubical fire-place, where nothing +but birchwood was burned. In the narrow crack between the oven and +the wall rested always a birch rod, which was often referred to at +critical moments. A new rod, with brightly coloured feathers +attached to the tip of every twig, appeared regularly on Shrove +Tuesday and tended slightly to spoil that otherwise glorious day, +when large cross buns stuffed with a mixture of crushed almond and +sugar were served in hot milk for dinner. Though the rod was little +more than a symbol of family discipline, Keith always disliked its +presence as a threat to his dignity if not to his hide.</p> +<p>A double washstand, looking like a document chest in the +daytime, the chaiselongue on which Keith slept at night, and the +door to the best room occupied all the rest of that wall except a +corner by the window, where stood his mother's high-backed easy +chair, with the little work-table beside it and a hassock in front +of it. To that chair she would retire whenever her household duties +permitted, and thither Keith would be drawn even more powerfully +than to his own "play-room" at the opposite corner--especially when +his mother seemed in a happy mood. There he would kneel on the +hassock, with his head in her lap, and if he could think of nothing +else, he would say:</p> +<p>"Tell me about the time you were in London."</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_IV"></a>IV</h2> +<br> +<p>While still in her early twenties, Keith's mother had spent two +years with an English family living in Sweden. She always described +her position as that of "lady companion" to the mistress of the +house. As a little boy, Keith did not know enough to ask any +embarrassing questions. Having learned more of life, he began to +suspect that his mother's place might have been little better than +that of a servant, and the thought of it made his soul shrink and +wither.</p> +<p>When the family moved back to England, Keith's mother went along +and spent a whole year in London. It was her great adventure, the +phase of her past of which she spoke most eagerly and lovingly. She +had formed a passionate liking for the English language, of which +she had picked up a good deal, as well as for English character and +English manners. She never tired of telling about the great city of +London, and Keith never tired of listening.</p> +<p>"I was so homesick when I first got there," she would say, "that +I cried day and night. Then, one night, I heard a cat mewing on the +roof outside my window. It was the first Swedish sound I had heard +since I came to England, and after that I felt much better."</p> +<p>"Why didn't you stay," asked Keith.</p> +<p>"Because then there would have been no little Keith," she +explained, her face lighting up with the kind of grown-up smile +that always provoked and perplexed the boy.</p> +<p>"Are there no boys in England," he persisted.</p> +<p>"Yes, plenty of them, and fine ones at that. But I wanted no one +but you, and you were here, and so I had to come back to get +you."</p> +<p>"Here," he repeated. "Where here?"</p> +<p>"In Sweden, of course," his mother rejoined, and then she +started hurriedly to describe the wonders of London shopping.</p> +<p>"But why did you go at all," he interrupted after listening a +while to what seemed less interesting to him than certain other +points. "I might have been lost while you were away."</p> +<p>"You might," she assented, "but I had to take the risk because I +had to get a name for you and I could never have found the one you +have in Sweden."</p> +<p>"Why not?"</p> +<p>"Because it is English. And it should be pronounced <i>Keeth</i> +instead of <i>Kite</i> as they say here. I found it in a book over +there, and I fell in love with it the moment I saw it, and I made +up my mind that if I ever had a boy, that would be his name."</p> +<p>"<i>If</i> you had a boy," Keith took her up. "But you knew I +was here?"</p> +<p>"Of course, I knew," said his mother in the tone that always +warned him that a change of occupation would be in order. "Run +along and play in your own corner now. I must get some work +done."</p> +<p>At other times, when the talk didn't drift off into dangerous +by-paths, his mother would tell little anecdotes in English learned +from her former mistress, and generally end up by singing a little +song about a ball--probably one that had something to do with +cricket. And Keith would exultantly repeat the last line, which was +the only one he could remember:</p> +<p>"And then she <i>popped</i>, and then she died."</p> +<p>It was the word <i>popped</i> that caught his fancy, partly +because it was so funny in itself, and partly because it had to be +uttered with a sort of explosion on a very high note. As far as his +rendering of the rest was concerned--well, it was early discovered +and reluctantly admitted that, like his father, he could not even +sing "Old Man Noah," which is the simplest melody imaginable to a +musical mind in Sweden.</p> +<p>His failure in this respect gave his mother a slight pang every +time it was brought home to her, although she made fun of it and +pretended she didn't care. Music had been her young heart's dream. +It was the only art for which she showed a genuine regard. And two +of her pet grievances were that she didn't have a piano, and that, +if she had one, she could not play on it.</p> +<p>But his father used to say that the only instrument he cared to +hear was a drum.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_V"></a>V</h2> +<br> +<p>His mother's chief grievance was her health. She was rarely +quite well, and they had a family physician who would appear from +time to time without being sent for. Yet her illness seemed, as a +rule, not to prevent her from being about and attending to her +household duties.</p> +<p>Once, however, while Keith was still too small to receive clear +impressions, she had to keep in bed for a long time and during much +of that time she seemed to have forgotten him entirely. The father +was more taciturn and reserved than usual, and even the boy could +see that he was worried. Friends and relatives came and went with a +quite uncommon frequency, and all of them spoke to Keith in a +strange manner that, although not unpleasant, had a tendency to +make him choke. A hundred times a day he was told that he must keep +quiet for his mother's sake, and that it was no time for boisterous +playing--if he really must play at all. Most of the time he was in +the kitchen, and on a few occasions he was even permitted to stay +all by himself in the parlour, where there were all sorts of big +books with any number of pictures on the fine oval table standing +in front of an old sofa so huge that to crawl up on its seat was +almost like going off into another room.</p> +<p>Finally he was taken to the home of Aunt Brita, his father's +married sister, in another part of the town and kept there, a +bewildered prisoner in a strange land, until one day his aunt told +him that his mother was well and wanted him to come home, but that +he would have to be a more than usually good boy for a long time +yet, unless he wanted to lose his mother forever.</p> +<p>When, at last, he was home again, his mother pulled him up to +herself in the bed, embraced him passionately and sobbed as if it +had been a farewell instead of a greeting. He wept, too, and clung +to his mother as if in fright, while she told him that he must +always do just what she told him and, above all, not scare her by +going off so that she did not know where he was.</p> +<p>The father stood beside the bed watching them. And as Keith +happened to look up once, he saw that his father's eyes were moist +with tears. The boy could hardly believe it, and a little later he +wondered whether he had been mistaken, for his father spoke just +then in his sternest tone, and all he said was:</p> +<p>"Yes, I hope you will behave a little better after this than you +have done before."</p> +<p>Many more weeks went before his mother was herself again. Even +then a difference remained. She was more given to worry than before +and clung to husband and child with a concern that frequently +became oppressive.</p> +<p>Then, one fine day, she was all gay and smiling again, and +bustled about the home with new eagerness, and told Keith a lot of +things about England, and once actually danced across the floor +while he was vainly trying to keep step with her. And the father +tried hard to look his grouchiest when he returned home that night, +but failed. And Keith was allowed to stay up quite late, and when +he was in bed at last, and almost asleep, he thought he saw his +father in the big easy chair by the window, with the mother seated +on his lap kissing him. And just as he was dropping off, he heard, +as if in a dream, his father's voice saying:</p> +<p>"Look out! I think the Crown Prince is still awake!"</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_VI"></a>VI</h2> +<p>Some persons said that Keith looked like his father, others that +he was the very image of his mother.</p> +<p>"He has my light hair and Carl's brown eyes," said his mother +often when that topic was under discussion, and saying it seemed to +make her happy.</p> +<p>"As a baby he was so pretty that people would stop us on the +street to ask whose child he was," Granny might put in, if she +happened to be within hearing. Then she would add with a glance at +Keith: "But that is all gone now."</p> +<p>Keith himself never gave much thought to his looks, but any +comparison with his mother struck him as quite foolish.</p> +<p>He liked to look at her, especially at her hair, which was very +plentiful and in colour like beaten copper with glints of gold in +it. Her skin was very fair and soft as the softest velvet. Her eyes +were blue, and in bright moments they had the softness of the sky +of a Swedish summer night. But when the clouds of depression closed +in upon her, they grew pale and light less and disturbingly +furtive, so that Keith's glance found it hard to meet them.</p> +<p>Her gaiety sparkled when she was herself, and she had a +passionate love of everything that was bright and pleasant. Once +she had always been that way and at times she would tell Keith what +a wonderful time she had as a girl, and how she used to be the +centre and inspiration of every social gathering in which she took +part. She had a quick mind, too, and a heart full of impulsive +generosity. But from one extreme she would go to another, so that, +when the dark moments came, she would even regret kindnesses +conferred while the sun was still shining. In such moments she +would sometimes speak to the boy of her ailment as if he were in +some mysterious way responsible for it.</p> +<p>Yet she loved the boy to distraction and became filled with +unreasoning anxiety the moment he was out of sight. Her attitude +toward her husband was the same. He could never leave the home or +return to it without being kissed. The moment he was outside the +kitchen door, she hastened to the window and leaned out of it so +that she might watch him until he vanished about the corner at the +head of the lane. And there she generally lay waiting for him when +he came home. If he was late, which happened almost every day, she +would be the victim of a thousand fears as she made more and more +frequent trips between the kitchen and the living-room window. When +he finally came, she acted as if she had not seen him for months +while he pretended to be more or less bored by her attentions.</p> +<p>But there were moments, too, when her tenderness flared into +startling outbursts of bleak, cutting anger, giving way in the end +to floods of hysterical tears. A couple of such tempests formed +part of Keith's earliest reliable memories.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_VII"></a>VII</h2> +<br> +<p>As a rule Keith slept far too soundly to be aroused by anything. +One night, however, there was so much loud talking in the room that +he woke up completely. For a while he lay quite still, but with +wide-open eyes and ears.</p> +<p>The big lamp had been placed on the washstand back of the +chaiselongue on which he was lying, evidently in order to prevent +its light from falling on his face.</p> +<p>His mother was seated, fully dressed, on the edge of the bed +across the room. Her face was white as snow. Her eyes blazed with a +sort of cold fire. Her whole body seemed to tremble with a feeling +so tense that he could not find words for it.</p> +<p>The father was leaning far backwards on an ordinary chair, with +his outstretched right arm resting on the dining table. His face +was flushed and the thick fringe of black hair about the bald top +of his head was slightly disordered. He tried to smile, but the +smile turned into a grin. When he spoke, his voice was a little +thick.</p> +<p>"I can't keep entirely away from my comrades." he said. "They +think already that I am too stuck up to associate with them. I +haven't been out for two weeks. I haven't had a drop more tonight +than I can stand. And it isn't twelve o'clock yet."</p> +<p>All of a sudden Keith saw the cold, angry light go out of his +mother's eyes. Her face twisted convulsively. She sank into a heap +on the bed, sobbing as if her heart would break then and there.</p> +<p>"Carl," she screamed between two sobs. "You'll kill me if you +talk like that to me!"</p> +<p>"Like that," he repeated in a stunned toneless voice. Then his +face flushed almost purple. A hard look came into his eyes, and he +rose so abruptly that the chair upset behind him. At the same time +he brought down his fist with such violence that the table nearly +toppled over.</p> +<p>"I'll be damned if I stand this kind of thing one moment +longer," he shouted hoarsely.</p> +<p>But even as he spoke, his eyes fell on the boy. As if by magic, +his self-control returned.</p> +<p>"The boy is awake," he said in his usual tone of stern +reserve.</p> +<p>There was a moment's silence. A few more sobs came from the +mother. Then she sat up, wiped her eyes, and spoke in a tone that +was almost calm:</p> +<p>"Go to sleep again, Keith. Your father and I were merely talking +about some things that you don't understand yet."</p> +<p>When she saw that the boy was crying, she came over to him, +kneeled down beside him and put her arms about him. Soon her kisses +and her soothing words had their wonted effect, and he dropped off +once more into the deep, deathlike slumber of childhood.</p> +<p>The air remained tense in the household for several days, but +nothing further happened until one night when the father arrived a +little later than usual from his work, looking just as he did the +night of the quarrel. Again his speech was a little thick, and the +mother's face assumed an ominous look. She said nothing about what +was nearest her heart, however, she started instead to complain of +some petty disobedience on the part of Keith.</p> +<p>"If you spanked him a little more and humoured him la little +less, he would obey more readily," said the father.</p> +<p>His words carried no particular menace, and there seemed no +reason why the boy should be scared. But perhaps there was +something else in the atmosphere that affected his sensitive nerves +and sent him unexpectedly into a paroxysm of weeping.</p> +<p>"Stop it," cried his father dark with sudden anger. "Stop it, I +tell you."</p> +<p>"You leave the boy alone," cried the mother, her face as white +as the father's was red.</p> +<p>"We'll see whether he'll obey or not!"</p> +<p>As he spoke, the father sat down on the nearest chair, picked up +the boy and put him face down across his knees.</p> +<p>Keith's heart seemed to stop. He even ceased weeping. Then he +heard his mother cry out:</p> +<p>"If you touch the boy, I'll throw myself out of the window!"</p> +<p>"Oh, hell!" came back from the father. With that he half dropped +and half flung the boy to the floor, so that the latter rolled +across the room and landed under the chaiselongue.</p> +<p>There Keith lay, still as a mouse, until he was pulled out by +his mother. He didn't begin to cry again, and he was no longer +scared or upset. A few moments later he was undressing and going to +bed as if nothing had happened.</p> +<p>Another week had hardly passed, when Keith was waked up again at +night, but this time by a noise as if the house was falling. As he +sat up in bed, staring wildly about him, his nostrils became filled +with a smell that was quite new to him. It was like smoke, but more +pungent.</p> +<p>The living-room was dark, but the door to the parlour stood +open, and light came through it. Not a sound could be heard for a +few moments.</p> +<p>Then his mother came running into the room and flung herself on +her knees beside the chaiselongue.</p> +<p>"Oh, my boy, my boy, my boy!" she cried over and over again as +she pressed Keith to her breast, rocking him back and forth.</p> +<p>A few seconds later the father also came in carrying the lamp in +one hand. Having put it on the dining table, he dropped down on a +chair as if too exhausted to stand up.</p> +<p>His face showed a pallor quite strange to it and for the first +and only time in his life Keith thought that his father looked +scared.</p> +<p>"Don't, Anna," the father said after a while, sitting up +straight on the chair. "It's all right now--"</p> +<p>Then a thought or a memory seemed to recur to him, and he said +in a voice that nearly broke:</p> +<p>"God, but it was a close call for both of us! And if it had +happened to you, I would have followed you on the spot!"</p> +<p>"Carl, Carl!" cried the mother, letting Keith go and throwing +her arms about her husband instead. "What would have become of +Keith?"</p> +<p>It was the first time the boy was taken into his parents' +confidence to some extent. He was still too young to grasp all the +implications, but the main facts were plain enough even to him.</p> +<p>The parlour was rented as usual, but the man occupying it was +not at home. The parents had gone in there together on some errand. +Seeing a small pistol hanging on the wall above the big sofa, the +father took it down and began to play with it, never for a moment +suspecting it of being loaded.</p> +<p>First he pointed it at himself, then at Keith's mother. Each +time he was about to pull the trigger, and each time something +seemed to hold him back. Finally he turned the weapon toward the +wall and pressed down with his finger. As he did so, the shot rang +out that waked the boy.</p> +<p>The next day Keith was permitted to examine the mark made by the +bullet in the wall. It was all very exciting. But the final result +of that incident was as unforeseen as the shot itself.</p> +<p>The whole affair evidently made a deep impression on Keith's +father. He ceased almost completely to go out by himself at night. +In fact he became so averse to leaving his home that it was hard to +get him out when the mother wanted him to go. And never again did +Keith hear his parents quarrel openly.</p> +<p>But now and then when his father came home from work, Keith +would notice that same slight thickness of speech which had forced +itself on his attention on two extraordinary occasions.</p> +<p>He was a man himself before he realized what that thickness +signified in his father's life.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_VIII"></a>VIII</h2> +<br> +<p>"Oh, mamma, you mustn't!" cried Keith's mother one day when she +came out into the kitchen and found the boy munching a slice of +white bread with butter on it.</p> +<p>"He likes it so much," replied Granny easily.</p> +<p>"But you know what Carl has said," the mother rejoined rather +impatiently. "He'll find out sooner or later if you disregard it, +and then he'll be furious."</p> +<p>"So he will anyhow," muttered Granny.</p> +<p>"Mamma!" protested the mother. "It's for the boy's own good. He +should only eat hard bread except on Sundays and when we have +company. It is much better for his teeth. And it makes him stronger +too. You want to be big and strong, don't you Keith?"</p> +<p>"It's a wonder his father lets him have anything at all to eat," +Granny put in before Keith had a chance to answer.</p> +<p>"You must not talk like that, mamma," said the mother sharply. +"Least of all when the boy hears it." Then she turned to Keith +again: "Don't you believe what Granny says. Your father is merely +thinking of what is good for you. He loves you just as much as I +do--or your grandmother. But he thinks we are spoiling you. And he +wants you to grow up and be a real man. That's why he hates to see +you cry."</p> +<p>There was a pause while Keith pondered the matter--not seriously +concerned on the whole, as long as the tidbit was not taken away +from him.</p> +<p>"Don't you love your father," his mother asked suddenly.</p> +<p>"Ye-es," Keith answered mechanically.</p> +<p>Then he began to ponder again. His feelings toward his father +were far too complicated for utterance. They seemed to have nothing +whatsoever to do with love, if that was what he felt for his +mother. There was undoubtedly a great deal of fear in his attitude +toward the father, and also resentment that at times would flare +into something bordering on hatred. But this attitude was combined +with a lot of respect, not to say admiration. At times it would +also be tinged with a longing that he could not explain or express. +And if ever the father gave him the slightest evidence of +friendliness, he would be thrown into a rapture of happiness that +nothing done by his mother could equal.</p> +<p>He adored his mother, and clung to her, and relied on her and +wheedled her, but it was an open question whether, at heart, he +felt any particular respect for her--although he was quite proud of +certain things about her. And as for Granny, whom, in a way, he +loved more than anybody else, because she petted him and indulged +his slightest whims, there could simply be no talk about respecting +her. Even Keith realized that she was not in the respected +class.</p> +<p>His father was, on the other hand. There could be no doubt about +that. If he had only been willing to unbend a little now and +then....</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_IX"></a>IX</h2> +<br> +<p>The kitchen had other attractions than Granny, though she ranked +foremost.</p> +<p>As Keith came out from the living-room, he had on his right the +huge, old-fashioned fire-place--a regular fortress of brick, with a +modern cook stove of iron set into one corner of it. It was +entirely covered by a smoke-hood of painted metal sheeting, with a +flange on its outside edge along which were placed a number of +lids.</p> +<p>On his left was a set of shelves filled from top to bottom with +pots and pans and kettles of every possible size and shape, +including a cauldron so huge and heavy that it took two people to +get it out with ease from its place on the bottom shelf. An +overwhelming majority of these utensils were of copper and so +highly polished that they shone like suns setting through a fog +bank. Some of them made good toys, but "things for use and not for +play" was an old maxim often quoted by both parents and grudgingly +repeated by Granny herself.</p> +<p>A big sofa, in which the grandmother slept at night stood along +the centre of the wall on the left. The corner beyond held a +wall-fast cupboard so large that it looked like a closet built into +the room. It serves both as pantry and buffet, and was full of +things tempting to a young palate.</p> +<p>In the opposite corner, beyond the window and right by the +outside door, stood an open water barrel holding about twenty +gallons. There was no running water above the ground floor. Every +drop had to be carried three flights of stairs from the courtyard. +What was needed for drinking and cooking was kept in a copper can, +two feet high, with a lid on top and a spout in front that made it +look like a badly overgrown tea kettle. Water for all other uses +had to come out of the barrel. To keep both vessels filled was a +heavy task, and waste of water was regarded as little short of a +crime. The sacredness of the barrel and its contents was a mystery +to Keith until he grew old enough to do some of the carrying. Then +he began to understand.</p> +<p>Most of the water went to the stove, where operations of one +kind or another were carried on from morning till night, tempting +the boy with their mysteries or their promises. In the uppermost +corner of the hood was a square opening covered by an iron lid. +When the lid was down and you crawled right up into the fire-place, +you could see the sky through the chimney.</p> +<p>One day, when Keith had sneaked into the kitchen uninvited, he +noticed something unusual going on in the fire-place. All the +paraphernalia had been cleared away. The lid was open, and from the +chimney issued strange noises. Then soot began to fall in masses, +and finally appeared a pair of human feet, quite bare and all +black.</p> +<p>It was very funny and very disconcerting. Keith watched with +bulging eyes and trembling heart, until at last a whole big man +came out of the chimney. As he crouched for a moment on the +fire-place before getting down on the floor, he turned on Keith a +pair of eyes that seemed to be all white and big as moons.</p> +<p>At that moment fear got the better of curiosity, and Keith made +haste to bury his face in Granny's lap.</p> +<p>"Yes, Keith had better look out," grinned the servant girl, "for +the chimney sweep takes all bad little boys."</p> +<p>"I'll take you, if you talk like that," the black figure in the +fire-place shot back at her.</p> +<p>The tone of his voice made Keith steal another glance at him. +The white eyes shone right at him in a rather friendly fashion, and +further down a huge red slit in the black face framed two rows of +teeth no less white than the eyes. Keith guessed that the dark +visitor from the chimney was smiling at him in a fashion that +seemed to bode no harm.</p> +<p>In another minute the man was gone, and Keith hurried back to +the living-room to ask a question of his mother:</p> +<p>"Could he really take me?"</p> +<p>"Not unless we gave him leave," she replied. "But sometimes, +when little boys are very, <i>very</i> bad, their parents turn them +over to the sweep as apprentices, because they are not good for +anything else."</p> +<p>Keith thought long and hard.</p> +<p>"I ain't bad," he declared at last.</p> +<p>"Not exactly," his mother remarked diplomatically "But you could +be a great deal better. What were you doing in the kitchen just +now? I have told you not to run out there all the time. Lena does +not like you to get in her way, you know."</p> +<p>"But Granny is there," Keith protested.</p> +<p>"Yes, of course, and you must be nice to her, but...."</p> +<p>As his mother did not go on, Keith asked: "Why does Granny +always stay in the kitchen?"</p> +<p>"Because she wants to," his mother answered.</p> +<p>"But why does she want to?"</p> +<p>"It is her way--a sort of pride she has. And I have long ago +given up trying to persuade her."</p> +<p>Her tone indicated clearly that further discussion of the +subject was not desirable.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_X"></a>X</h2> +<br> +<p>Keith was playing in his own corner that very evening, trying to +keep as quiet as possible while his father had an unusually late +dinner. His mother had gone out into the kitchen a few moments +earlier. Thence she returned suddenly with a half empty bottle in +her hand and a look of extreme annoyance on her face.</p> +<p>"Carl," she said, "look what I just found in a corner of the +cupboard."</p> +<p>"Humph," the father grunted with a sideglance at the bottle. +"Ours is locked up, is it not?"</p> +<p>"Yes, but that is neither here nor there. She would rather die, +she says, than touch a drop of ours."</p> +<p>"Where does she get it?"</p> +<p>"I can't make it out. Somebody must bring it in, of course. I +fear it is Mrs. Karlgren, and I am simply going to tell her to keep +away hereafter. The idea of her coming here practically begging, +and then doing such a thing, after all I have done for her!"</p> +<p>"But you are not sure," the father objected earnestly, and Keith +paid special notice to his objection because he had already +learned, or divined, that his father could not bear the sight of +the poor woman in question.</p> +<p>"No, it is impossible to be sure," the mother admitted. Then she +added after a pause: "What puzzles me more than anything else is +where she gets the money."</p> +<p>Though no name was mentioned, Keith knew perfectly well that +they were speaking of Granny. And he recalled having laughed at her +in the kitchen earlier in the evening before the father came home. +Her eyes had a funny look and seemed a little inflamed. Her still +thick braids were loosened and about to come entirely undone. She +was talking more than usual and in a tone that suggested +defiance.</p> +<p>As he recalled all this, Keith forgot to listen to his parents, +who went on discussing so intently that he was able to leave his +corner and reach the door to the kitchen unnoticed. An irresistible +desire to see Granny at once had seized him. Back of it lay a +vaguely sensed mixture of curiosity and sympathy.</p> +<p>Granny was in her favourite place beside the kitchen sofa, +seated on a footstool almost as large as an ordinary chair, but +somewhat lower. That stool was the one bone of contention between +her and Keith, because he was carrying it off as often as he could +get at it. Turned upside down, with Keith seated snugly between its +four legs, it became a sleigh drawn across icy plains by a team of +swift reindeer, or a ship rocking mightily on the high seas.</p> +<p>The kitchen was full of a peculiar sweetish smell, by which +Keith knew without looking that Granny was dressing the old wound +on her left leg that had developed "the rose" and would not heal. +She was leaning far over, busy with a bandage which she wound +tightly about her leg, from the ankle to the knee. The boy sniffed +the familiar smell with a vague sense of discomfort, which, +however, did not prevent him from going up to the grandmother and +putting one arm about her neck.</p> +<p>"Old hurt is hard to mend," she muttered quoting one of the old +saws always on her lips. Then without raising her head, she added +in the peevish, truculent tone of a thwarted child: "You had better +go back in there before they come and get you. I am nothing but a +servant, and as such I know my place and keep it. I am less than a +servant, for they wouldn't dare do to Lena what they do to me."</p> +<p>"Oh, yes, they would," Lena put in from across the room. "And +they would have a right, too."</p> +<p>As if she had not heard at all, Granny sat up straight and +looked hard at the boy.</p> +<p>"Whatever you do, Keith," she said, and he noticed that her +voice sounded a little strange, "see that you make a lot of money +when you grow up. To be poor is to have no rights, and the worst +thing of all is to be dependent on others, no matter how near they +are to you."</p> +<p>"I think Mrs. Carlsson is very ungrateful," said Lena. "There +are thousands of old people who would give anything to have a nice +home and nothing to worry over."</p> +<p>"Anybody can talk, but it takes a head to keep silent," said +Granny impersonally, quoting another old saw. Then her manner +changed abruptly and she turned to Keith effusively.</p> +<p>"Give me a kiss! You love your old Granny, don't you? You don't +despise her, do you, because she has nothing and is nothing? And +can be sure she loves you more than anybody else."</p> +<p>The boy's feelings were so mixed that he really could not feel +anything at all. His arm was still about the grandmother's neck, +mechanically he gave her the kiss she asked for, but it was with +real relief he saw his mother open the door to the living-room and +responded to her demand that he go to bed at once.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XI"></a>XI</h2> +<br> +<p>Hardly any memory left behind by Keith's childhood was more +acute than the image of Granny seated in the centre of the kitchen, +her stolid, yet pleasant old face bent over some household task, +and her whole figure instinct with a passive protest against her +enforced dependency or, maybe against life's arbitrariness in +general. One moment she seemed to be brooding deeply, and the next +she looked as if there was not a thought in her head. For one +reason or another, her anomalous position and peculiar attitude +occupied Keith's mind a great deal, and many of the questions with +which he plied his mother were concerned with Granny. They were +fairly discreet as a rule, but on the morning after the scene just +described, some impulse of which he had no clear understanding made +him perplex his mother with the abrupt question:</p> +<p>"Why does Granny drink?"</p> +<p>They were alone in the living-room at the time, she seated in +her big easy chair by the window and he, as usual, kneeling on the +hassock at her feet.</p> +<p>She looked up at him with as much surprise as if he had hit her +viciously. A deeper red flowed into her cheeks that kept their soft +pinkness even when she was thought at death's door and lost it only +under the pressure of extreme anger.</p> +<p>At the same time a look came into her eyes that gave Keith a +momentary scare. It was only a flash, however, and changed quickly +into something like the helplessness that used to characterize her +glance in moments of heavy depression. Her voice trembled a little +as she spoke:</p> +<p>"Because Granny's life has been very hard, and not very +happy."</p> +<p>"Tell me about it," urged the boy.</p> +<p>There was a long pause during which he watched his mother's face +closely. Gradually its expression changed into one of resignation, +and then into determination, as if she had made up her mind to be +done once for all with a task that could not be avoided +indefinitely. It was a long story she told, at first hesitatingly, +then with an eagerness that betrayed an awakening purpose. +Everything she said stuck deeply in the boy's mind, and whenever he +thought of Granny's life afterwards, he had the impression of +having learned all about it at that one time, although the +likelihood is that many details were picked up by degrees and +dovetailed into the memory of that first narrative as integral +parts of it.</p> +<p>"Your grandmother was not born to be a servant," his mother +began. "She was a rich man's daughter, and there was not a thing +her father didn't want to do for her. Yet he left her in the hands +of strangers who cheated her of her rights and treated her as if +she had been a beggar...."</p> +<p>"Why did they do it," the boy asked, quite unable to grasp the +idea of such a thing.</p> +<p>"Because they could make a little more money that way, and +because they cared for nothing but money. Promise me, Keith, that +whatever happens to you, and whatever the temptation be, you will +never put money above everything else."</p> +<p>Keith shook his head earnestly, meaning it to be sign of assent. +He was a highly impressible child, and when his mother spoke to him +like that, he used literally to choke with a feeling that he could +never, never do anything but what she asked, but when another rush +of feeling swept over him, the old promises were also likely to be +swept out of his mind.</p> +<p>"Those people did the worst thing any one can do to anybody +else. They twisted Granny's life so that it could never be set +right again. And so she became what you see her now...."</p> +<p>"You mean she just couldn't help herself," Keith put in.</p> +<p>"Yes, that's what I mean," she agreed. Then she stopped as if +struck by another thought, and said very slowly:</p> +<p>"Although, if she had been really strong...."</p> +<p>Once more she stopped and returned abruptly to her story:</p> +<p>"Your great-grandfather made and sold hats, and he earned a lot +of money, and they made him a City Councillor...."</p> +<p>"Where," Keith broke in again.</p> +<p>"In Skara," his mother explained, "which is a city that lies a +long way from here, and when you begin to learn geography, you will +know where it is.... Everybody liked your +great-grandfather...."</p> +<p>"What was his name," Keith couldn't help asking.</p> +<p>"Lack," she said, "and now you mustn't interrupt me any more if +you want me to go on."</p> +<p>"Please," Keith pleaded. "I won't!"</p> +<p>"The reason they liked him," she resumed, "was that he was so +good-hearted that he couldn't say no to anybody or anything. He +didn't seem to care for money at all, and he used to say: 'What's +money between friends?' Everybody wanted to be friends with him in +those days, and everybody borrowed from him, until he didn't have +enough left for his business, and then they laughed at him. He +tried in his turn to borrow, but no one could spare a penny, and +when things went entirely wrong with him, one of those who had got +most from him made a funny saying about him: 'Now Lack lacks +everything because everybody has what Lack lacks.' So, you see, you +mustn't think too little of money either, but learn to be careful +and keep what you have."</p> +<p>Keith nodded dutifully, but where the right road lay, he could +not see.</p> +<p>"The worst thing was," the mother went on, "that your +great-grandmother died when Granny was only nine. There were +brothers and sisters, too, and she was the youngest. And it was +then that her father got the idea to send her to some farmer people +he knew, quite some distance from where he lived. He did it partly +for the sake of Granny's health, and partly because he was too +worried about other things to look after her properly himself. And +he paid a lot of money for her board, and sent her fine clothes, +and arranged that she was to be taught by the pastor of the parish, +and he sent friends to ask about her, but he never came himself. +The people who were to take care of Granny kept the money and the +clothes, and put her to work as if she had been a servant, and +didn't let her get the least bit of schooling. And when her +father's friends came and asked about her, they told all sorts of +tales about how well she was doing, but she was so shy, they said, +that she always ran away when any visitor came to the place."</p> +<p>"Did she," asked Keith.</p> +<p>"Yes, she really did," the mother admitted. "She was ashamed of +the way she looked and was dressed, and yet she was quite pretty, +and she had the most wonderful hair that reached to her feet when +she let it down."</p> +<p>"But, why didn't she tell somebody?" Keith insisted, his blood +running hot with wrath at the injustice to which Granny had been +submitted.</p> +<p>"Oh, because ..." said his mother wearily, "because your +grandmother has always been peculiar in that way when she knew she +was being wronged. 'What is the use?' she says. And then word came +that her father had gone bankrupt and had died soon after. No one +seemed to pay the least attention to her. She stayed where she was, +and she couldn't work any harder than she had done all the time. +But when she was to be confirmed, and had to go to church every +week with all the other children of her own age, she was the +poorest of them all, both in fact and in appearance, she didn't +have one person in the world to whom she could turn. She has told +me that she used to lie awake nights crying and thinking of running +away, but she couldn't make up her mind to that either."</p> +<p>She stopped, and Keith waited in vain for the rest of the +story.</p> +<p>"And then," he urged.</p> +<p>"Oh, then she came to Stockholm and married your grandfather--my +papa, you know. And now Lena is waiting for me to tell her what we +are to have for dinner."</p> +<p>Keith went back to his own corner for a while. Then he made a +dash for the kitchen, where he found Granny seated in her usual +place peeling potatoes. Having placed a smaller foot-stool beside +the large one in which she was seated, he got up on it so that he +could put both arms about her neck. Pressing his own soft cheek +against hers, he asked brokenly:</p> +<p>"Are you very unhappy, Granny?"</p> +<p>"No," she answered placidly, "not when you are willing to give +me a kiss."</p> +<p>"All right," he said without enthusiasm as he complied with her +request. At the same time he recalled suddenly that he had not +played a single game with his tin soldiers that whole morning.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XII"></a>XII</h2> +<br> +<p>The boy had a logical mind. He knew that Granny's story had not +been finished, and he wanted all of it. At the first opportune +moment he asked his mother:</p> +<p>"Was Granny a little girl when she came to Stockholm?"</p> +<p>"No," said his mother unsuspectingly, "she was already a young +woman."</p> +<p>"What did she do before?"</p> +<p>"I told you," the mother replied, now on her guard.</p> +<p>"You told me what she did as a little girl, but not afterwards. +I want to know."</p> +<p>"Oh, she worked, I suppose."</p> +<p>There was evidently nothing more to be had in that +direction.</p> +<p>"And what did she do in Stockholm," Keith pushed on.</p> +<p>"She married your grandfather, as I told you, and then I was +born."</p> +<p>"What was he?"</p> +<p>The mother remained silent for a good long while, and Keith +repeated his question, not yet having learned that unanswered +questions generally are unwelcome questions.</p> +<p>"He was a <i>vaktmästare</i>," she said finally, and Keith +knew that, for some reason, she found the word unpleasant.</p> +<p>The boy reflected a while before he observed:</p> +<p>"That's what papa is."</p> +<p>"Your father's position is quite different," his mother rejoined +sharply. "It's a shame that he and his comrades in the bank have no +other title--although some of them deserve nothing better."</p> +<p>"What should they be called?"</p> +<p>"I don't know exactly--collectors, I think, because they go +around and collect the money that is due to the bank."</p> +<p>"And what are real <i>vaktmästare</i> doing?"</p> +<p>"The real ones work in government departments--not as officials, +but just as attendants--it's something you can't understand +yet."</p> +<p>Keith nodded. He didn't understand, but the words stuck and the +understanding came later.</p> +<p>"And those that are not real," he persisted.</p> +<p>His mother laughed and patted him on the head.</p> +<p>"There is a lot of them," she said. "They look after coats and +hats in theatres and restaurants, and wait at dinners, and do all +sorts of things."</p> +<p>"Was that what grandfather was doing?"</p> +<p>A queer look came into his mother's eyes and sent a glow of +self-satisfaction through his whole being. The look was familiar to +him and meant that his mother was annoyed by the question but +pleased with his cleverness in thinking of it.</p> +<p>"No," she answered, "not exactly...."</p> +<p>"What did he do," asked Keith, and as he spoke he sent a look of +anticipation toward his own corner.</p> +<p>"He was an attendant in the big club where all the rich +business-men go to spend their evenings, and he died when I was a +little girl ... have you nothing else to ask about?"</p> +<p>"What was papa's father," Keith ventured after a pause.</p> +<p>"He worked in the royal palace." Again the mother's tone served +as a warning, but also as a goad to the boy's curiosity.</p> +<p>"What did he do there," he demanded eagerly.</p> +<p>The lines about his mother's mouth grew tighter and harder, and +she spoke as if the words hurt her--but she did not refuse to +answer, and she did not send him away:</p> +<p>"He was a lackey."</p> +<p>From the moment he began to speak, Keith had showed an unusual +sense for the value and peculiarities of words. They interested him +for their own sake, one might say. He treasured them, and he gave +more thought to them than to people. The word lackey he had heard +before, and he had formed a distinct opinion about it as not +desirable.</p> +<p>"Then he was a servant," he blurted out.</p> +<p>"In a way," his mother admitted. "And we are all servants, for +that matter. But working in the king's palace is not like--working +as Lena does here, for instance."</p> +<p>The last part of her remark went by unheeded by Keith. His +thoughts leapt instead to his paternal grandmother--a strict and +unapproachable little lady who visited them at rare intervals +dressed in a quaint old shawl and a lace-trimmed cap. A great +wonder, not unmixed with pleasure, rose in his mind at the thought +that her husband had been a sort of servant after all. For some +reason utterly beyond him, there was solace as well as humiliation +in the consciousness of a stigma, if such it be, that attached +equally to both his grandfathers, and not only to his mother's +parent. Then a new idea prompted a new question.</p> +<p>"Was Granny a servant when she came to Stockholm?"</p> +<p>"She was obliged to take service in order to live," his mother +replied very gently. "There is nothing about that to be ashamed +of.... I have known fine ladies who started in the kitchen. But, of +course, one doesn't like to talk of it to everybody."</p> +<p>Keith recognized the hint in her final words, but thought it +needless. He was already on his way back to his own corner, tired +for the time of asking questions, when he suddenly turned and +said:</p> +<p>"We are just as good as anybody else, are we not?"</p> +<p>It was a phrase he had overheard sometime. Now it seemed to fit +the occasion, and it sounded good to him.</p> +<p>"There is the royal family," his mother rejoined enigmatically. +"But one of Granny's cousins was a lieutenant-colonel in the +army."</p> +<p>"Where is he now," Keith demanded, agog with interest.</p> +<p>"He is dead, and--and we have never had anything to do with his +family."</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XIII"></a>XIII</h2> +<br> +<p>The inquisitiveness of Keith with regard to his ancestors and +the past life of his parents continued for quite a while. Other +family connections seemed unreal and did not interest him. Having +no sister or brother of his own, relationships of that kind were +meaningless to him. Parents, on the other hand, constituted a +tangible personal experience, and the presence of Granny taught +that this experience was common to grown-up people as well as +children.</p> +<p>The curiosity he evinced was queerly impersonal, however, and +might well be called intellectual. The information he received had +no power over his own life. He could have been told anything, and +he would have accepted it calmly as something not affecting +himself. The only thing that influenced him was the manner of the +person answering his questions. To that manner he was almost +morbidly sensitive, and from it he concluded whether the various +details related should please or disturb him.</p> +<p>Instinctively he pressed his inquiries at points eliciting +marked resistance. And it was not what he actually learned, but the +evasions encountered, that produced the sensitiveness about his own +backgrounds which later often influenced his attitude harmfully at +moments when he most needed complete self-assurance. It was the +reluctance with which certain parts of the family history were +told, and the total withholding of others, that taught him to be +ashamed of things for which he could not be held personally +responsible. The effect of this lesson on his character was the +more fatal because it remained unconscious so long. Having become +doubtful as to the worth of the roots of the tree, it was only +natural that he should also feel doubts about the fruit.</p> +<p>Concerning the real character of his forbears he learned next to +nothing. All that he heard related to external circumstances that +were, or were not, judged respectable and presentable. One fact in +particular was subject to the most rigid exclusion from all family +conversations, and yet it leaked down to Keith at a time when he +was utterly incapable of appreciating its significance. It piqued +him mightily without disturbing him.</p> +<p>One day they were visited by his father's married sister, who +was lacking in sentimentality and had a disturbing way of calling a +spade a spade. The inevitable testing of the boy's cleverness by +making him tell his own name led to a discussion of family names in +general, Keith's mother expressing a great admiration for that of +Wellander.</p> +<p>"Oh, yes, it's good enough," remarked her sister-in-law, "but it +is not the right one, you know, and the old one was much +finer."</p> +<p>"I know," said the mother, "but I don't know what the name used +to be."</p> +<p>"Cederskjöld, and I think it was recognized as noble. I +never knew the inside of it, but it looks peculiar. Carl's and my +father and his brother and two sisters took common action to get +the family name changed to Wellander. I am sure my grandfather must +have been up to some rather striking deviltry, and for all I know +he might have been hanged."</p> +<p>"Hush," cried Keith's mother with a quick glance at the boy who +was taking in everything with wide-open eyes and ears.</p> +<p>Keith did not wait for anything more, but sneaked off by himself +to think. The change of the name seemed nothing at the time, but +the suggestion that his great-grandfather had been hanged was +startling enough to give food for many meditations. Fortunately, or +unfortunately, his aunt's manner had been too nonchalant to give +him any clues. And from the manner of his mother he gathered merely +that the asking of questions would be useless. So it came about +that Keith for the first time in his life regretted the premature +death of his paternal grandfather, from whom, otherwise, he might +have elicited some more satisfactory information.</p> +<p>Both grandfathers were dead long before Keith was born. He never +saw a portrait of either of them, or had an idea of how they +looked. He could not even recall having heard their Christian +names. The personality of his paternal grandfather always remained +a total blank to him. Of the other one he knew a little more. The +fashionable club where his mother's father served was notorious for +its conviviality and reckless gambling, and the men were like the +masters to some extent. This one of his grandfathers used to love +wine, women, cards and everything else that helped to modify life's +general drabness. He must have been something of a wit, too, in his +own circles, having any number of boon companions. Keith never +heard what kind of a man he was at home. He made good money while +he lived and spent it as carelessly as he earned it. At forty-two +he died, leaving a penniless widow to look after a daughter still +in her early teens. Keith's paternal grandfather died in the same +way, but his widow, who was a hard-headed little woman of old +peasant stock--the best in Sweden--did better with four children +than the other grandmother with one.</p> +<p>There were gaps in the stories of his mother and Granny +concerning which he never got a direct reply from them, but by +degrees he picked up many missing details from other sources. What +he learned in this way indicated merely that they had been very +poor at times, and poverty had forced them to earn a living by work +that was quite honest and decent, but not "socially respectable." +At one time, before her daughter was old enough to assume a share +of the burden, Granny had actually had to fall back on the coarsest +and humblest menial work--scrubbing and washing by the day in +strange houses. Yet she and her daughter appeared throughout that +ordeal to have remained on terms of pleasant intimacy with friends +of the class to which they regarded themselves as properly +belonging.</p> +<p>Another problem never solved for Keith was what kind of +schooling his mother had had. Her own failure to tell suggested +that it must have been of the slightest. Yet Keith never thought of +her as ignorant. She had a bright, eager mind that, when not +clouded, acted as a goad on his own. It was she who taught him to +read and filled him with an awe for books and book-learning that +was, perhaps, not entirely wholesome. She herself read eagerly, +though fitfully, her interest in all such matters varying greatly +with her mood and condition. Her day-dreaming was to a large extent +directed toward matters literary and artistic. Sometimes, when she +had read some novel with a markedly sentimental appeal, she talked +vaguely of old ambitions to write, but as a rule it was her +ignorance of music that she deplored. In the meantime her +lace-making and her embroidery proved an artistic sense not wholly +confined to dreams. She was always busy with some work of that +kind, but her longings went far beyond it, and it happened more +than once that she let her work drop in her lap while she looked at +Keith with an expression he could not understand.</p> +<p>"If only I had had your chance in life," she exclaimed on one +occasion of that kind.</p> +<p>"What do you mean," asked the boy, snuggling close to her.</p> +<p>"I mean that you will study and be able to do things," she +answered, bending down to kiss him.</p> +<p>At that very moment the father entered and heard what she +said.</p> +<p>"Nonsense," he broke in. "The boy is going to learn a trade, and +I think we'll ask Uncle Granstedt to make a carpenter of him."</p> +<p>To Keith it was all meaningless, and his mother said nothing at +the time, but a slight stiffening of her face warned him that his +father's remark pointed in a direction not held desirable by her. +And from that sign the boy took his cue.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XIV"></a>XIV</h2> +<br> +<p>The outside door stood open and no one was in the kitchen but +Granny. The temptation to explore was irresistible.</p> +<p>"When the cat's away, the rats dance on the tray," the old +grandmother muttered as if to herself.</p> +<p>"I'll just have a peep," Keith explained, turning to her for a +moment. Then he made for the open door again.</p> +<p>The landing with its bare stone floor was familiar to him and +quite barren of interest. What drew him magnetically was the tall +archway leading to the mysterious upper regions known as the +garret, where strange old women lived in hermit cells, and whence +disturbing noises issued day and night. Even as he looked up there, +he could hear a spookish grating that seemed to symbolize the +spirit of the place. He shuddered a little, but not unpleasantly, +for he knew what caused it.</p> +<p>In the brick wall ending the upward vista, he could see a square +open hole with an iron shutter held open at right angles by an iron +rod. As the wind shook the shutter, the rod scraped against the +socket that held its hooked end. That was all--but on dark winter +afternoons the effect was most disturbing.</p> +<p>"I'm not afraid," Keith announced, sensing his own bravery +rather keenly.</p> +<p>"Why should you be," asked Granny.</p> +<p>Then he noticed the tall iron door fastened to one side of the +arch in front of it. Now it was doubled up length-wise and folded +back so as to leave the passage free.</p> +<p>"What's that for," he asked, pointing to the door.</p> +<p>"In case of fire," said Granny. "If it should begin to burn up +there, they would close that door to keep the flames from the rest +of the house."</p> +<p>"Would it burn much," Keith wondered.</p> +<p>"Your father has five cords of good birch wood stored in the top +attic, so I think the whole city would see the blaze."</p> +<p>"And the people up there?"</p> +<p>"They would have to come before we closed the doors, but God +have mercy on us if it ever gets that far. Remember, boy, there is +nothing worse than fire so you must always be careful never play +with matches."</p> +<p>"I know," said Keith, nodding sagely.</p> +<p>But he really did not know what fire meant until a few nights +later. The whole family was sound asleep, Keith on the +chaiselongue, his father and mother in the big bed on the other +side of the room. While still half asleep he could hear his mother +crying his father's name in a strangely agitated voice.</p> +<p>Then he woke fully and looked up. Every object in the room was +clearly visible, but the light coming through the windows was not +daylight. It was reddish and glaring, and the very reflection of it +within the room filled the boy with vague uneasiness.</p> +<p>The father jumped out of bed and ran to the window.</p> +<p>"It is fire," he said. "Something terrible. My Lord, half the +town must be burning. The whole sky is a mass of flames. And it's +in the direction of the bank."</p> +<p>Suddenly he turned back and began to dress in wordless +haste.</p> +<p>"Must we get out," asked the mother.</p> +<p>"No, it is not very close yet, but you had better get up and +dress--and get everybody dressed."</p> +<p>By that time he was putting on his overcoat.</p> +<p>"Where are you going, Carl," demanded the mother, evidently more +scared by his going out than by the fire.</p> +<p>"To the bank," answered the father, grimly.</p> +<p>"You mustn't, Carl! I won't let you go out! Think if anything +should happen to you!"</p> +<p>"Nonsense," he said. "I am in no danger--but I must see what's +happening to the bank, and help if things have to be taken +out."</p> +<p>"Carl, Carl...." was all the mother could get over her lips.</p> +<p>"Don't worry, Ann," he pleaded, bending over her for a minute, +and his voice took on a tenderness Keith seemed never to have heard +before. "I shall be careful, but I must go. If the fire should come +this way, I'll be back in time to help you all out."</p> +<p>She tried to cling to him, but he freed himself with gentle +firmness. In a minute more he was gone, and in the next second +Keith's mother was at the window looking out, though she had only +her night-linen on and it was late autumn. Unobserved and +unrebuked, Keith joined her, and when he looked up at the sky, his +heart almost stopped beating.</p> +<p>A ghastly stillness reigned outside--except when it was merely +accentuated by the occasional sound of hurried steps along the +street at the top of the lane. Finally some one was heard passing +through the lane itself.</p> +<p>"Please," Keith's mother cried at the top of her voice. "What is +it?"</p> +<p>"It's the German Church," a voice responded from below. "The +whole spire is flaming like a torch."</p> +<p>"Are we in danger down here?"</p> +<p>"Hard to tell. It depends on which way the spire falls. If it +falls outward, I fear the whole city will go."</p> +<p>Then he walked off.</p> +<p>By that time the servant girl had come in weeping as if she had +just heard her death-doom announced, and from the Granny was +calling to them:</p> +<p>"You'll freeze to death, all of you, if you don't put on some +clothes."</p> +<p>So they dressed, though difficulty, and then there was nothing +to do but to wait. The mother was at the window all the time, every +few minutes she said to the boy:</p> +<p>"Oh, I hope nothing happens to your father!"</p> +<p>At first it scared him more than did the light. But after a +while it began to have an opposite effect. He seemed to grow stiff +and hard. The excitement of the fire was still there, but it was +overlaid and almost neutralized by a vast impatience that seemed to +take possession of his whole being. He felt that if his mother made +the same remark once more, he should yell with rage and agony, and +to save himself, he joined Granny in the kitchen, where the girl +had started a fire in order to make some coffee.</p> +<p>The sky in that quarter was just as bright as in front, and no +light was needed in the room.</p> +<p>Suddenly he heard his mother cry out:</p> +<p>"Oh."</p> +<p>At the same time the brightness seemed to increase to something +more than daylight.</p> +<p>A quick change took place in the boy's heart. He ran into the +living-room and put his arm about his mother who was still lying in +the window.</p> +<p>"Don't worry, mamma," he whispered to her. "I'll take care of +you."</p> +<p>There was something in his voice that brought the mother to +herself. She closed the window and took him in her arms and kissed +him as she had never kissed him before, he thought.</p> +<p>"It was the spire that fell just now," she said, "and if there +is any danger, your father will be here in a minute."</p> +<p>Almost as she spoke, the glare outside began to die down, though +the sky remained red and threatening until daybreak.</p> +<p>Then they had coffee, Keith being allowed an extra dose in his +milk. And soon afterwards the father returned to tell the story of +the fire and inform them that all danger was over as far as they +were concerned.</p> +<p>For days afterwards the experiences of that night occupied +Keith's mind. The joy of excitement was probably uppermost in spite +of all other considerations, Beneath it was a vivid conception of +the horrors of fire that remained a live thing in his mind until he +was well on in years, sometimes waking him out of his sleep at +night and setting his heart palpitating wildly at the mere idea of +danger. Lastly, however, there was left from that momentous night a +new attitude toward the mother that implied a direct criticism--the +first one that had ever broken into clear consciousness. It did not +make him love her less, but it changed the character of his love in +some subtle way. The father, on the other hand, had gained by that +night. There was something heroic about the quiet way in which he +walked off to take care of the bank, pushing all other +considerations aside until that duty had been filled.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XV"></a>XV</h2> +<br> +<p>Gradually Keith learned to know the old house from top to +bottom. The garret and the cellar remained of excitement for a long +time. The rest of it offered little to hold the attention or feed +the imagination.</p> +<p>It covered three sides of a rectangle, with the courtyard in the +centre. The wall of the adjoining house; formed the fourth side--a +sheer cliff of plastered brick that towered two whole stories +higher, its dreary expanse unbroken by a single window. Along the +foot of it ran a long low structure with innumerable doors opening +on the courtyard. Thither men, women and children had to descend +regardless of weather or hour or season, and every visitor could be +watched from the windows opening on the yard.</p> +<p>The rear part of the house constituted practically a building by +itself, with a stairway of its own, and the people living there +seemed to form a world apart, with which Keith never became very +well acquainted. But on the ground-floor of that part was the +laundry, used in turn by every household in the entire house and +regarded by the boy as a far-off, adventurous place until he had +been allowed to visit it a couple of times.</p> +<p>The building facing the lane and that running along the +courtyard had a stairway in common at the corner where they joined. +Its stairs and landings were of stone, uncarpeted, and lighted in +the day by a window on each floor and at night by a single gas jet +on each landing. At the foot of the lowermost flight of stairs was +a long and dark passage that turned at a right angle and finally +reached the lane after what seemed a long walk. Branching to the +right, at the foot of the stairs, was another passage from which +the cellar was reached after you had used all your strength to push +open a huge iron door that squeaked uncannily on its stiff +hinges.</p> +<p>The flats on the second and third floors ran straight through +from the lane to the rear building, but on the fourth floor, where +Keith lived, another family occupied the rooms looking upon the +courtyard. And there lived Jonas, the only other child in the house +during Keith's earliest years.</p> +<p>Jonas' father was a compositor--a tall, lank, hollow-eyed man +with a bad cough. His mother was a woman of the people, angular and +taciturn. Jonas himself was pale and gawky and shy.</p> +<p>Those two families, living within a few feet of each other and +meeting daily on the common landing, had little more intercourse +than if they had been parted by miles of desert. The reserved and +slightly eccentric character of the neighbours had something to do +with this separation, but social distinctions counted for more. A +compositor was, after all, a mere workman, and Keith felt +instinctively that his mother looked with kindly contempt at the +more primitive ways of the adjoining household. Now and then he was +permitted to go and play for a little while with Jonas, who was a +year older, but the other boy hardly ever entered Keith's home. Nor +was their playing much of a success. Jonas was slow-witted and +reserved, while alertness and frankness were among Keith's most +characteristic traits. But differences of temperament accounted +only in part for their failure to come together. Keith felt as if a +wall of some kind stood between them, and as if the eyes watching +from the other side of that wall were distinctly hostile at times. +It exasperated him as if it had implied terrible injustice, but it +was only in moments of extreme boredom he really cared. At such +moments he would also develop a passionate desire for a brother or +sister. He might have wished for a dog or a cat even, but the idea +of such a disturbing element in his parental home seemed too +preposterous for serious contemplation. In fact, so foreign was +that idea to the home atmosphere, that Keith went through the rest +of his life envying other people's pets without ever giving earnest +thought to the acquisition of one for himself.</p> +<p>Just as the parental attitude toward the nearest neighbours +suggested a kindly but unsentimental tolerance of inferiors, so it +became unmistakably tinged with a slightly jealous but unprotesting +submission to superiors whenever the lower floors were reached. A +bachelor official of some kind lived on the floor immediately +below, with no one but his housekeeper to share his spacious +apartment. As deputy landlord, Keith's father had to see this +tenant like all the rest, but of social intercourse there was none, +while on the other hand, Keith's mother kept up a gossiping +acquaintance with the housekeeper. As far as Keith himself was +concerned, there was nothing more awe-inspiring than a chance +meeting on the stairs with the monocle, side-whiskers, precise +manners and doled-out civility of Mr. Bureau-Chief Broström. +The distance was so immense that even aspirations were precluded on +the part of the boy. He could imagine being king, but not a duly +appointed government official with a salary enabling him to occupy +half a dozen rooms practically by himself.</p> +<p>Of course, there were rumours afloat about a more intimate +relationship between the bureau chief and his fairly good-looking +housekeeper, who nominally had for her own that part of the flat +which faced the courtyard, and these rumours did not escape the +boy's keen ears. While their true inwardness was incomprehensible +to him, they made him look wonderingly at the housekeeper whenever +he met her, and when he accepted her gingersnaps and other tempting +delicacies, he did so with a sense of wickedness that limited his +gratefulness.</p> +<p>A retired dry goods dealer and his good-hearted old wife lived +on the second floor. The Fernbloms were the aristocracy of the +house in the lane, having the best rooms, paying the highest rent +and giving the biggest parties, but even Keith guessed quite early +that they were simple souls, risen by thrift from very humble +origins. They had a single daughter, a girl of delicate health and +looks with whom Keith probably would have fallen in love hopelessly +if she had stayed in the house. But she married early, moved to +some other city and was rarely seen in her old home. Reports of her +progress were received, of course, and passed on in the hearing of +Keith, but like so many other things not touching his own life +closely, it carried no real meaning to his mind. The parties +continued, and Keith's parents were often invited, partly because +the old couple was too simple-minded to think of social +distinctions, and partly because they both came from the same +district as Keith's Granny. Keith would be allowed to come along at +times, and he liked the idea of going and the good food, but +otherwise he found it dull business watching a lot of grown-up +people seated solemnly about square tables playing cards. Then, one +day, the old lady died, and Keith attended a part of the funeral, +and from the window he saw the coffin taken away in a hearse buried +in flowers. It made him ask many questions of his mother, but none +of her answers brought death any closer to his mind. After all, the +old lady had been nothing to him, and if the parties should cease +as he heard was likely, the loss did not seem great to him. The +only thing that made a real difference to him was his discovery +that there would be no more of those ball-shaped gingersnaps that +the old lady used to bake herself and keep in an earthen jar almost +as tall as Keith.</p> +<p>The front part of the ground floor was used as an office of some +kind in those early days, but the middle part facing the long row +of outhouses was a human habitation. The rooms were so dark that a +lamp had to be used most of the day, and the principal entrance was +direct from the courtyard. An old workman and his wife lived there +until the office in front was changed into a coffee-house and those +rooms toward the courtyard became the kitchen. When it happened, +some one told Keith's mother a story which she in her turn conveyed +to the boy.</p> +<p>History repeated itself, she said, and Keith already knew that +history was something that had happened before he was born. One +hundred years ago, when Gustavus III was king of Sweden and things +were more exciting than in these later days of outward and inward +peace, there used also to be a coffee-house on the ground floor, +and a widely known one at that. It occupied the floor above too, +but this floor was in reality used as a club, and the club was +political and the men who frequented it were conspiring against the +government. This the police knew, and every so often a lot of armed +and uniformed men would surround the house and make prisoners of +those caught in the clubrooms on the second floor. But as a rule no +one was found there but a couple of sleepy and grouchy attendants +who cursed their luck at having to spend their lives in such a dull +place.</p> +<p>"But," Keith interrupted when the story got that far "you just +told me that the rooms had a lot of conspirators in them."</p> +<p>"So they had."</p> +<p>"And yet they were empty when the police came there? Do you +really mean that the people could make themselves invisible?"</p> +<p>"That's where the real story comes in," his mother explained. +"You know there is a long passageway between the front rooms of the +Fernbloms and their kitchen in the rear. It runs back of the +stairs. The next time you go through it, stamp your foot very hard, +and you will hear that it sounds hollow in one place. At that spot +there used to be a trap door in the floor. Now it is nailed down +hard, but in the old days it could be opened any time, and then you +found a stairway below. It led into our part of the cellar, where +you still can find a couple of stone steps at one end. Then the +conspirators went down into the main cellar, and at the back of it +there was a tunnel leading under the rear part of the house and the +lane beyond to a house on the other side. That's the way they +escaped, and that's why the police never found anybody in the +club."</p> +<p>"What did the conspirators want," asked Keith after he had +pondered the matter for a while.</p> +<p>"I don't know exactly," his mother admitted, "but the king was +killed by one of them at last."</p> +<p>"I wish I had been there to defend the king," said Keith. Then a +new thought seized him suddenly: "I want to go down and see those +steps."</p> +<p>"All right," his mother answered to his astonishment and joy. +"Lena will soon go down to get potatoes for dinner, and then you +can go along, if you only promise to come right up again."</p> +<p>Shortly afterwards the momentous expedition actually took place. +Keith had been as far as the outer cellar door before, but he had +never cared to go further. When you opened that door, you were met +by an air so cold and damp that it struck your face like a wet +sheet, and the stairs fell away into a black abyss that seemed +bottomless.</p> +<p>The door was of iron, rounded at the top to fit the arch, and +covered with rust. It looked as if it had been in its place since +the house was built, and Keith had heard that the house could not +be less than two hundred years old. The key, which Keith had been +permitted to carry going down, was of iron too, and nearly twice as +long as Keith's hand. The lock was in keeping with the key, +enormous in size and so stiff that Lena had to use both hands to +turn the key.</p> +<p>Having laid a firm hold of Lena's skirt, Keith followed her +several steps down until they reached a place in the opposite wall +where a single very tall step led up to another iron door, +square-cut and narrow, back of which lay the cellar used by the +Wellanders. Lena lighted a candle that burned with difficulty in +the clammy air.</p> +<p>Inside nothing could be seen at first but a number of boxes and +barrels full of supplies, and back of them walls built out of +enormous stone blocks and dripping with moisture. As his eyes +became accustomed to the dim light, however, Keith perceived that +the end toward the lane was closed by a wall which even his +inexperienced glance recognized as brick and comparatively new. +Squeezing between two large barrels of potatoes he saw two stone +steps at the foot of that wall and managed actually to put his foot +on one of them.</p> +<p>"I wish I knew what's back of that wall," he remarked at +last.</p> +<p>"Oh, nothing," said Lena indifferently.</p> +<p>"There might be skeletons," he ventured after a pause.</p> +<p>"Jesus Christ, child," Lena almost screamed, looking as if she +had caught sight of a ghost. "Where in the world does he get such +notions from? Come out of here now. I think the master will have to +go down for potatoes himself hereafter."</p> +<p>"There was a skeleton in the story you told me the other night," +Keith protested with dignity, but not unaffected by the girl's +unmistakable fright.</p> +<p>"This is no place for stories of that kind," she declared +pulling him away from the barrels and almost forgetting to close +the cellar door behind her.</p> +<p>That evening Keith kept thinking of the story and the steps in +the cellar. He was sorry not to be able to walk up those stairs. +And there must be some old things left lying about on them. Then he +imagined himself a conspirator, hearing the police beating at the +doors and making his way through the stairway and the tunnel to +some quiet, unobserved doorway in another lane, much narrower and +darker than their own. It was exciting, the passage through the +tunnel, which he could see with his mind's eye--but the part of +conspirator did not appeal to him. He had seen policemen on the +street several times. They were very tall and carried sabres. Some +time when he was conspiring they might be too quick for him and get +him before he could reach the secret stairway. It would be much +better, he decided finally, to be able to look them in the face and +say truthfully:</p> +<p>"I have done nothing at all!"</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XVI"></a>XVI</h2> +<br> +<p>The regular meals of the day were four, not counting "afternoon +coffee" which was regarded as a special treat and always subject to +negotiations, though forthcoming as unfailingly as dinner or +supper. It was the natural and nominal counterpart of the "morning +coffee," which served to initiate the day's feeding. This first +meal was consumed separately, as each person was ready for work, +and on the whole its name was appropriate, although plenty of bread +went with the coffee. Keith's turn came generally a little after +seven, when he sat down to a large cup or bowl of half coffee and +half milk into which had been broken a good sized piece of hard +Swedish rye-bread. A little sugar was allowed, but no butter. This +regimen began when Keith was less than three years old, and he +enjoyed it immensely, provided the bread had steeped long enough to +become soft, When, at last, he turned to rolls and butter dipped +into the coffee, it did not mean that his taste had changed, but +merely that his increasing sense of manhood found the earlier dish +too childish.</p> +<p>Breakfast was due about ll:30 and consisted generally of sundry +left-overs from the preceding day, bread and butter forming one of +the principal ingredients. Then came the main meal of the day, +dinner, between 3:30 and 4 in the afternoon. As a rule it had only +two courses: some meat dish or fish with potatoes, and a soup +served last. Now and then there was a vegetable. Desserts were +reserved for special occasions. To Keith each such meal was +inseparably connected with the parental admonition: "Eat plenty of +bread with your meat, child." The bread was of the hard kind +already referred to--thin round cakes that one broke to pieces and +that gave the teeth plenty of work. Various superstitions were +invoked to promote the consumption of it. Thus the failure to +finish a piece already broken off was alleged to result in the +transfer of all one's strength to the actual consumer of the piece +left behind. Keith was a docile child in spite of his impulsiveness +and he did he was told and believed what he heard, but he often +wondered why the rules so strictly enforced himself did not apply +to his parents.</p> +<p>"Afternoon coffee," generally accompanied by some form of sweet +bread or cake, "happened" about 5:30, and at 8 supper was served. +The final meal was commonly made up of sandwiches with porridge and +milk, or perhaps, when fate was remarkably propitious, thin +pancakes with cranberry jam. There might be an extra snack of food +at a still later hour in case of unexpected callers, but such +visits were not frequent and Keith would be asleep by that time +anyhow.</p> +<p>It was different when parties were given to formally invited +company. Then Keith had to stay up--or pretend to do so--as long as +the guests remained, and he must have a share of whatever the house +had to offer. To such occasions he looked forward with feverish +joy, not so much on account of the good things dispensed as for the +sake of feeling the ordinary strict rules relaxed. Apart from +Christmas, the principal celebrations took place on his parents' +birthdays and "namedays." Every day in the Swedish calendar carries +a name, and all those bearing it have a right to expect +felicitations and presents from their relations and more intimate +friends. In return they are expected to celebrate the occasion with +a party that gives an excuse for showing what the house can do in +the way of hospitality. The same thing applies to the birthday +anniversaries, only in a higher degree. Not to celebrate one's +birthday can only be a sign of poverty, miserliness or misanthropy, +and to overlook the birthday anniversary of a close relative is to +risk an immediate breach of connections.</p> +<p>Nothing was more familiar to Keith than his mother's open +worries about money and his father's occasional stern reference to +the need of saving. To the boy those complaints and warnings meant +merely that the parents were in a depressed and unfaourable mood, +tending to draw the usual constraint a little tighter about him. He +was intensely sensitive to atmosphere, and too often that of his +home had the same effect on his young soul as the low-hanging, +leaden skies of a Swedish December day before the first snow has +fallen. It made him long for sunlight, and the parties brought it +to some extent. Then care and caution were forgotten, although his +father might grumble before and after. Then the daily routine was +broken, and Granny became cynically but actively interested, bent +above all on seeing that "the house would not be shamed."</p> +<p>When the great day came, the home, always scrupulously neat, +shone with cleanliness. Every one worked up to the last minute. +Cupboards and pantries were full of unfamiliar and enticing +supplies. The dining table, opened to its utmost length, groaned +under the burden of innumerable cold dishes of tempting appearance, +while from the kitchen came the odours of more substantial courses +still in the making. A one end of Granny's bureau stood a battery +of multicoloured bottles. The other end was jammed with desserts +and goodies meant to be served while the guests were waiting for +supper or during the card game that generally followed it. Better +than anything else, however, was the father's loud laugh and eager +talk, so rarely heard in the course of their regular daily +existence. Even then he might be displeased by some slight slip of +the boy's, and a sharp rebuke might follow, but it seemed forgotten +as soon as uttered, and of other consequences there were none to be +feared. Therefore, Keith wished that there might be a party every +day, and while there was one going on he sometimes caught himself +wondering whether, after all, he did not like his father as much as +his mother, or more.</p> +<p>From his own experiences with food as well as from his parents' +attitude toward it, both on special and on ordinary occasions, +Keith distilled a sort of philosophy that it took him several +decades to outlive. To him eating became a good thing in itself, +rather than a means to an end. His parents were neither gluttons +nor gourmets, but they liked good food, and, what was of still +greater importance, good eating represented the principal source of +enjoyment open to them. The same seemed true of their friends, and +when company arrived no topic was more in favour than a comparison +of past culinary enjoyments. Keith's father, for instance, never +grew tired of telling about the time when he was still the chief +clerk in a fashionable grocery and the owner gave him permission to +dispose freely of a keg of Holland oysters that threatened to "go +bad" before they could be sold. Four or five friends were drummed +together. The feast took place at night in the store itself. Bread, +butter, salt, pepper, liquor, beer and cards were the only things +added to the oysters.</p> +<p>"And when morning came, and I had to open the store, there was +nothing left but a keg full of empty shells," the father used to +shout, laughing at the same time so that it was hard to catch what +he said. Then he would smack his lips and add with earnest +conviction: "I have never tasted anything better unless it be the +Russian caviar we used to import for the Court."</p> +<p>Always it was a matter of quantity as well as quality. A feast +was not a feast without more than plenty. Eating was always in +order. An offer of a dish was as good as a command to partake. A +refusal bordered on the offensive. Pressing a reluctant guest was +the highest form of hospitality. Dietary precautions were +apparently unheard of except in the case of certain chronic +ailments, and then they were accepted as one of life's worst evils. +To eat well was to be well, and the natural conclusion was that the +best cure in case of trouble was to eat. Lack of appetite was a +misfortune as well as a dangerous symptom, and to eat when not +hungry was not only a necessity but a virtue.</p> +<p>Yet Keith longed for other things and he learned early that even +eating has its drawbacks.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XVII"></a>XVII</h2> +<br> +<p>Except on Sundays, the father rarely ate with the rest of the +family. He left in the morning before Keith was up and never came +home for breakfast. His dinner often had to wait until five or six +or even later, so he seldom cared to eat again when the others had +their supper.</p> +<p>One afternoon, however, he appeared just as Keith and his mother +were to sit for dinner. It put her in a flutter and she couldn't +get an additional cover laid quick enough.</p> +<p>"I heard that mother was coming," he remarked as he seated +himself at the table.</p> +<p>Instantly Keith's mother shot an apprehensive glance at the boy +and exclaimed:</p> +<p>"Please try to be a real nice boy now, so that your grandmother +does not get a bad impression of you." Then she added, turning to +her husband: "She never says anything, but she always looks as if I +spoiled Keith hopelessly."</p> +<p>"Well," the father rejoined thoughtfully, "she brought up four +children of her own without anybody else to help her, and there was +not one among us who dared to disregard her slightest word."</p> +<p>"How about Henrik," the mother suggested a little tartly.</p> +<p>"Yes, the one spared is the one spoiled," admitted the father +with a sigh. "He was the youngest, and while he was licked like all +of us, her hand never seemed quite as firm with him as with the +rest. The worst thing parents can do to children is to let them +have their own will."</p> +<p>Keith was listening with one ear only. His thoughts were on +Uncle Henrik, who would put in an unheralded appearance now and +then, always when the father was away and always to the +consternation of the whole household. Although hustled out of the +kitchen as soon as the unbidden visitor arrived, Keith had had a +good look at him several times and had also overheard the parents +discussing him. He was still comparatively young. Yet he looked +like animated waste matter. His face seemed to hang on him. His +mouth was loose and void of expression. His eyes were bleared and +ever on the move. He spoke mostly in a toneless drawl, that +sometimes turned into a shrill whine, but also at rare intervals +could change into a soft, heart-winning purr. His clothing was +poorer and coarser than that of any other person seen by Keith. +Once or twice it seemed to the boy like a repulsive uniform, and he +heard his parents speak with mingled disgust and relief of some +house or institution that was never fully named.</p> +<p>"No one has a better heart than Henrik," Keith heard his father +say once, "but he has no more spine than a cucumber, and he can't +keep away from drink."</p> +<p>Then the food was brought in, and Uncle Henrik was forgotten. As +usual, there was a meat course to begin with, and Keith ate what +for him was a big portion. Nor did he get into any trouble beyond +having an extra large piece of hard bread put beside his plate by +the father and finding the disposal of it rather difficult.</p> +<p>The meat was followed by a large bowl of soup, and the very +sight of it made Keith look unhappy--a fact that did not escape his +father.</p> +<p>Keith cared little for soups, while both parents liked them, and +he had a particular dislike of soups made on a meat stock, like the +one just brought in. For some reason that Keith might have thought +funny under other circumstances, it was called Carpenter Soup, and +it contained a lot of rather coarse vegetables. Among these were +green celery and parsnips, both of which filled the boy with an +almost morbid disgust.</p> +<p>While the mother was serving and Keith was waiting in dumb +agony, it flashed through his mind that Uncle Granstedt might be +eating that kind of soup. If so, the boy thought, he would rather +let himself be killed than made a carpenter.</p> +<p>As the turn came to his own plate, Keith tried to catch his +mother's eye with a signalled appeal to put in as little as +possible, but she was talking to her husband and not noticing the +boy at all. And so, at last, he found himself confronted with a +plate filled to the brim.</p> +<p>The first few spoonfuls went down without much resistance, +chiefly because he confined himself to the fluid part of the soup. +Then it seemed of a sudden as if one more mouthful would choke him, +and his eating became a mere dallying with his spoon.</p> +<p>"Go on and finish your soup," the father urged sternly.</p> +<p>"I can't."</p> +<p>"Why?"</p> +<p>"I have eaten all I can."</p> +<p>"That does not matter," rejoined his father. "One must always +finish what is on one's plate."</p> +<p>"But I don't like it," Keith blurted out in a moment of +desperation--which was unfortunate.</p> +<p>"Children have no likings of their own," said the father, +putting down his spoon. "They must like what their parents give +them. And you will finish that soup--if I have to feed you myself +to make you do it."</p> +<p>Two more spoonfuls went down by an heroic effort. Then Keith +burst into tears, and his father's face grew still darker as he +asked scornfully:</p> +<p>"Are you a boy or a girl?"</p> +<p>Keith did not care at that moment. In fact, he thought that if +girls had a right to cry, he would rather be one.</p> +<p>His mother was trying to coax him with kind words, and he +actually raised the filled spoon to his lips once more, but the +sensation within him was such that he let it drop again with a +splash. That was the crowning offence, and the feeding process +began at once. His father took him by the neck with one hand and +administered the spoon with the other. It was done firmly and +perhaps harshly, but in such a manner that the boy was not +hurt.</p> +<p>Keith cried and coughed and swallowed--and in the midst of that +ordeal he noticed the wonderful softness of his father's hands. But +his heart was full of bitter resentment, and he wished that he +could grow up on the spot.</p> +<p>What the end might have been is hard to tell, had not a slight +commotion been heard from the kitchen at that juncture.</p> +<p>"There is mother now," said the father, letting go his hold on +Keith's neck. "Wipe your eyes and try to act like a boy. Some day +we'll put you into skirts."</p> +<p>Keith did not care. He knew now that he would not have to eat +the rest of the soup. That was the one thing in the world that +seemed to matter to him. His tears ceased. But now his body was +shaken by a convulsive sob. On the whole his mood was one of +hopeless resignation.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XVIII"></a>XVIII</h2> +<br> +<p>"I am glad to see you, mother," said Keith's father, rising +quickly as a little old woman appeared in the kitchen doorway. His +tone surprised the boy. There was warmth in it, but still more of +reverence bordering on awe, and also something of pride. Thus might +a queen be greeted, but only by those nearest and dearest to her. +What struck the boy most of all, however, was the world of +difference lying between that tone and the one in which the father +addressed his wife even in moments of closest understanding. It +gave Keith his first clear glimpse of the distinction between love +and respect, between sympathy and trust.</p> +<p>"So you are home, Carl," the grandmother remarked in her usual +quiet, matter-of-fact manner. Then she turned to her +daughter-in-law, who had also risen to her feet: "Is your head as +bad as usual, Anna?"</p> +<p>"Thank you," answered Keith's mother, and the boy could sense +that she was not at her ease although she smiled pleasantly. "Those +new powders I got from Dr. Sköld helped a great deal."</p> +<p>"Hm," grunted the older woman as she walked across the room and +sat down on a chair not far from Keith. "I had no time or money to +bother with powders at your age, but times have changed."</p> +<p>She was taking in every detail of the room as she spoke, without +looking pointedly at anything in particular. Suddenly Keith, who +followed her every movement as if hypnotized, was startled by +meeting the hard gaze of her calm, pale-blue eyes. Those eyes +illuminated her small, wrinkled face so completely that the boy saw +nothing else. Gone were her trimmed wig, her black shawl, her wide +skirt of a checkered grey. Gone were even her thin, tight lips that +used to close with the firm grip of a vice. Nothing was left but +the eyes that looked him through and through until it was +impossible for him to stand still any longer.</p> +<p>"What is the matter with Keith," she asked. "Sick, too?"</p> +<p>"No, thank heaven," the mother blurted out. "We have nothing to +complain of his health--"</p> +<p>"No," the father broke in with a suggestion of grim humour, "not +about his health, but--"</p> +<p>"Of course," the old lady said with a nod of comprehension. "I +don't wish to criticize anybody or anything, but I don't think +Keith is very obedient. He wants to pick and choose, I suppose, as +if the food were not good enough for him."</p> +<p>"Well, he can't," the father rejoined.</p> +<p>"Children should eat anything and be glad to get it at that. +Mine never thought of refusing what I gave them. If they ever +had...."</p> +<p>She didn't finish the sentence, but it made Keith feel that he +would never have dared one word of protest about the soup if the +grandmother had been there a little earlier. Yet she spoke without +marked feeling, without hardness, almost kindly. It was plain as +she went on, that she believed intensely in what she said, and that +it touched the very foundations of existence as she saw it:</p> +<p>"Children owe everything to their parents, and the least they +can do in return is to accept thankfully what they get. That is +what I did in my childhood, and I never dreamt of anything else. I +had no will but that of my parents, and I knew that I could not and +should not have any will of my own."</p> +<p>Everybody but the grandmother was still standing. The mother's +face bore clear evidence of conflicting tendencies to accept and +reject. Looking at her, Keith felt, as he often did, that there was +something within her that gave his view of matters a fighting +chance. The father, on the other hand, seemed of a sudden to have +become a child himself, listening obediently and with absorbed +approval. It looked almost as if he were still afraid of that +white-haired, fragile, tight-lipped little woman, and the sight of +him filled Keith with a vague uneasiness.</p> +<p>"Please sit down," said the grandmother at last. "I did not mean +to disturb you, and Keith looks as if he might fall in a heap any +moment."</p> +<p>"Why don't you stand up straight, Keith," asked his mother. "You +will never grow up unless you do, and your grandmother will think +worse of you than she already does."</p> +<p>"I am not blaming the child," the old lady began in the same +passive, quietly assured tone. But before she got further, the +father broke in:</p> +<p>"I think Keith had better go and play in his own corner--and +please keep quiet, for grandmother and I have important things to +talk of."</p> +<p>Keith retired as directed, and at that moment growing up seemed +to him a more unreal and impossible thing than ever.</p> +<p>Not long afterwards the grandmother left, both parents escorting +her to the outside door. When they returned to the living-room, +Keith heard his mother say:</p> +<p>"I don't see why she should always find fault with Keith. He's +not a bit worse than Brita's Carl, whom she is helping to spoil +just as fast as she can."</p> +<p>"Well, that's her way," replied the father, paying no attention +to the latter part of the remark. "She was brought up that way +herself, and that's the way she brought up the four of us."</p> +<p>He was evidently in high good-humour and did what Keith had +never seen him do before when no company was present. He got out a +cigar from one of the little drawers in the upper part of mamma's +bureau and sat down at the still covered dining table to smoke it. +This made Keith feel almost as if they were having a party, and +soon he sneaked out of his corner and joined the parents at the +table. First he stood hesitatingly beside his mother, but little by +little he edged over to the father until he actually was leaning +against the latter's knee without being rebuffed. The father even +put his hand on Keith's head, and the soup episode became very +distant and dim.</p> +<p>"She used to lick us mercilessly," the father said as if +speaking chiefly to himself, and as he spoke there was a +reminiscent smile on his face and not a trace of resentment in his +voice. "But she was absolutely just about it--so just that she used +to lick all four of us whenever one had earned it. That was to keep +the rest from thinking themselves any better, she said, and also +because she felt sure that all of us had deserved it, although she +had not happened to find it out."</p> +<p>"I think it hard and unjust," Keith's mother protested. "And I +don't believe in beating children all the time."</p> +<p>"Those were hard days," the father mused on, "and everybody did +it, and children seemed to know their place better then. I don't +think we suffered very much from the beatings we got, they +certainly did not make us think less of mother. She had her hands +full, too, and not much time to think of nice distinctions. We were +all small when father died, and Henrik was just a baby. There was +no one but her to look after us, and how she did it, God only +knows. But I have never heard her speak one word of complaint, and +she always managed. Sometimes there was little enough, and we were +mighty glad to get what there was, as she told you herself, but she +always had something for us. Then we had to go to work just as soon +as we could. I was thirteen when I began to add my share to the +common heap."</p> +<p>"Did you go to school," Keith ventured, having recently +overheard some talk of his parents that seemed to bear on his own +immediate future.</p> +<p>"I did," the father replied, "but not long. I wanted to study, +and my teacher was so anxious that I should go on that he promised +to get me free admission to the higher school. But mother wouldn't +listen. And I suppose it was not to be."</p> +<p>"Did you like school," asked Keith, not having the slightest +idea of what a school might be like.</p> +<p>"Yes, I liked all about it but one thing. There was a big boy +who bullied all the rest, and no one cared to fight him. He went +for me the very first day of the term, and when I fought back, he +gave me such a licking that I could hardly walk into the schoolroom +afterwards. The next day he asked if I had had enough, and I told +him I meant to go on till he had enough. So we started right in +again, and he licked me worse than the day before. But I just +couldn't give in. For three whole months we fought every day, and +each day I made it harder for him. And one day I got the upper hand +of him at last, and gave it to him until he began to cry and begged +for mercy. Then I let him go, but no sooner had I turned my back on +him, than he picked up a small sapling that was lying around and +struck me over the head with it. There was a piece of root standing +straight out, and it hit me right on top of my head so that the +blood squirted out and I fainted on the spot. Then he had to leave +school, and the last thing I heard of him was that the police had +got him for something still worse."</p> +<p>"Oh, Carl," the mother cried with a shudder, "you should have +complained to the teacher!"</p> +<p>"The teacher was watching us all the time, although I didn't +know it. He told me afterwards that he would have helped me any +time I asked, but that he would have thought less of me for +asking."</p> +<p>Keith stared hard at his father and tried to imagine himself +doing the same thing, but his fancy did not seem to work well in +that direction. Later, when he was in bed, the father's story came +back to him. Somehow it made him feel very proud, but also uneasy. +He felt that there nothing more wonderful than to fight some one +stronger than oneself and win, and soon he was busy slaying giants +and dragons and bears and other monsters that he had heard Granny +tell about. But he tried to think of himself as fighting a real boy +in the way as his father, his dreams seemed to peter out +ignominiously.</p> +<p>Then his mother came to in to tuck him in and make him say his +prayers and kiss him good-night. Suddenly he flung his arms about +her neck in a passion of craving for tenderness and protection. +Putting his mouth close to her ear, he whispered a question that +had nothing to do with the father's story or his fancies of a few +moments ago.</p> +<p>"Why must I eat things I don't want?"</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XIX"></a>XIX</h2> +<br> +<p>The next Sunday morning found Keith more than usually restless. +Half a dozen times in quick succession he appealed to the mother +for suggestions as to what to do. Finally she turned to the father, +who was preparing to go out:</p> +<p>"Can't you take him along, Carl? He has never seen the bank, and +he really should get out a little."</p> +<p>For a little while the father said nothing. Then he spoke +directly to Keith:</p> +<p>"Put on your coat and cap."</p> +<p>The boy who had been looking and listening with open mouth and a +heart that hardly dared to beat, became wildly excited.</p> +<p>"Now, Keith," the father admonished, "you can't go unless you +behave."</p> +<p>"Where's my coat, mother," asked Keith eagerly and +unheedingly.</p> +<p>"Don't you know that yourself," growled the father. "You are a +big boy already, and you should keep your own things in order."</p> +<p>"I have hung it up where he cannot reach it," the mother +interceded. "I'll get it for him."</p> +<p>The coat and the cap were on at last, but then began the +struggle about the muffler and the mittens. The mother had +crocheted them herself for Keith and insisted that they should be +worn whenever he went outdoors during autumn and winter. The +muffler was long and white, with blue rings two inches apart, and +in shape more like a boa.</p> +<p>Keith wanted the mittens, because his hands got cold easily, but +not the muffler, which, he thought, made him look like a girl.</p> +<p>The father objected to everything of that kind, which he said, +tended to make the boy soft and susceptible to colds. He himself +did not put on an overcoat until the weather grew very severe, and +he never buttoned it, no matter how cold it grew. His throat was +always bare, and he never wore gloves of any kind. Nor did he ever +put his hands in his pockets while walking. He had a favourite +trick of picking up a handful of snow, which he rolled into a ball +and carried in his hand until it became hard as ice. His hands were +milk-white, beautifully shaped and well cared for. It was +impossible to believe that for many years they had done the hardest +kind of work, often outdoors and generally in a poorly heated +drafty shop. He was proud of them, although he pretended not to +care when anybody spoke of them, and they filled Keith with +admiration and envy. He tried to follow the father's example, but +with the result that his hands grew red as boiled crawfish and +began to ache under the nails until he had to cry.</p> +<p>"You bring him up a woman," the father muttered, when Keith was +ready at last.</p> +<p>Then they left, having been kissed several times each by the +mother, who warned Keith not to let go of his father's hand under +any circumstances while they were on the streets.</p> +<p>Down in the passageway on the ground floor, Keith started to +take off the muffler.</p> +<p>"No," said the father. "Now you keep it on. Your mother has told +you to wear it, and you must not take it off behind her back."</p> +<p>"But you didn't want me to have it on," Keith protested in +genuine surprise.</p> +<p>"No, I didn't, because I want you to be hardened and grow up +like a man. But there is something I want still more, and that is +for you to obey your mother, first because children should always +obey their parents, and secondly because it makes your mother very +unhappy if you don't do as she tells you."</p> +<p>His tone changed slightly during the last part of his remark. +Something of an appeal came into it and went straight to Keith's +heart, filling it with a glow of righteous determination. It was +always that way with him. A word spoken kindly made him eager to +comply, and that was particularly the case if it came from some +person not given to sentimentality.</p> +<p>In the lane they turned and saw the mother lying in the window +to watch them. As usual, kisses were thrown back and forth as they +passed up the lane, but Keith felt rather impatient about it, and +it was with a marked sense of relief he turned the corner into East +Long Street. He was eager to push ahead into unknown regions and +did not care to look back.</p> +<p>Although he spoke little enough, the father proved a more genial +companion than Keith had dared to expect. In fact, he had been a +little oppressed at the thought of being entirely alone with the +father, which was quite a new experience to him. But now he found +it a pleasure, and their communion seemed more easy than when the +mother was with them. He walked sedately enough, clinging to one of +his father's soft, white hands, but every so often he ventured a +skip and a jump without being rebuked, and on the whole he felt the +kind of happiness that used to come on Christmas Eve, after the +father had started to distribute the presents.</p> +<p>Keith had frequently accompanied his mother as far as the little +square at the end of the street, and he pointed proudly to the +grocery store where he had helped to buy things.</p> +<p>"Yes," responded the father, and again his tone seemed strangely +unfamiliar to the boy. "I might have had such a store myself, if +luck had been with me."</p> +<p>The idea was more than Keith could digest at once. It was too +overwhelming, and once more he looked at his father with the +feeling of wonder and awe that sometimes took hold of him almost +against his will--a feeling that clashed hopelessly with the +nervous shyness commonly inspired by the father's stern +manners.</p> +<p>"Why didn't you get it," the boy ventured at last.</p> +<p>"Because I was born under the Monkey Star," replied the father +grimly.</p> +<p>The boy wondered what kind of star that was, but still more he +wondered at the father's mood which appeared to indicate a +displeasure not directed at the questioner. Before Keith could ask +anything more, they had started across one of the open market +places that line the fresh-water side of the old City.</p> +<p>The place was empty except for a few closed and abandoned +booths. But at the foot of it lay rows of one-masted sailing +vessels loaded halfway up their masts with piles of fire-wood. In +the background, beyond a small sheet of water crossed by a low iron +bridge, rose abruptly the rocky walls of the South End, with funny +old houses perched precariously along their edges. Keith stared so +hard at all the new things that not a single question had a chance +to escape him before they entered another street and stopped in +front of a stone house that to him looked like a castle.</p> +<p>It had a real portal instead of an ordinary doorway, and the +inside was still more impressive. Keith had been to church once or +twice, and for a moment he thought himself in one. But he saw no +seats, and his father did not look solemn at all. The walls were of +stone curiously streaked and coloured. The ceiling was so far up +that Keith had to bend far backwards to see it. It was full of +ornaments and supported by two rows of tall round stone pillars so +thick that Keith could not get his arms halfway around one of them. +In the background rose a very broad and seemingly endless stairway +of white stone. While they climbed it step by step, Keith wondered +if the king in his palace had anything like it.</p> +<p>Arrived at the top at last, they turned into a sort of lobby--a +rather bare room with several plain desks by the windows and many +hooks along the inner wall. There the father took off both his +coats and armed himself with a huge feather duster and a rag.</p> +<p>"Remember, Keith," he said in his ordinary tone, "that you may +look as much as you please, but that you must not touch anything. +If you do, you can never come here again."</p> +<p>Having passed through several smaller rooms, they emerged +finally into a hall so bright and spacious that Keith stopped with +a gasp and for a moment thought himself in the open air again. It +was as wide as the building itself and three sides were full of +large windows A counter of mahogany that looked miles long ran from +one end to the other. The place behind it contained many desks so +tall that Keith could not have reached the tops of them with his +raised hand. But from a distance he could see that they were full +of tempting things--paper and pens and pencils, red bars of sealing +wax, glue-pots and rulers and glistening shears.</p> +<p>Two men, also in their shirt-sleeves, were busy at the desks, +dusting them and arranging the things on top of them. And the +father quickly went to work in the same way.</p> +<p>It seemed interesting to Keith, who would have liked to try his +hand at it. But it also disconcerting for some reason he could not +explain and for a while he watched the father as if unwilling to +believe his own eyes. Somehow it did not tally with certain notions +formed in Keith's head on the night when the church was burning. At +last he up to his father and asked:</p> +<p>"Is this where you always work?"</p> +<p>"No," was the answer given with a peculiar grimness. "This is +for the officials."</p> +<p>"What are they?"</p> +<p>"Oh, tellers and cashiers and bookkeepers."</p> +<p>Keith noted the words for future inquiries. For the moment they +meant nothing to him.</p> +<p>"Why are you not here too," he persisted.</p> +<p>"Because I am only an attendant--a mere <i>vaktmästare</i>. +That is a fact you had better fix in your mind once for all, my +boy."</p> +<p>"Is that your little boy, Wellander," one of the other men +called out at that moment. "Let us have a look at him."</p> +<p>Hand-shakings and head-pattings followed as Keith was presented +to "Uncle" This and "Uncle" That. He didn't object and he didn't +care. They looked nice enough, and their talk was friendly, but +somehow he felt that his parents did not care for them. Some of the +glamour had left the place. In spite of its magnificence, he did +not like it, although he was glad to have seen it.</p> +<p>Discovering a wastepaper basket full of envelopes with brightly +coloured marks on them, he regained his interest a little. He knew +those marks for stamps and they had pictures on them which +attracted him very much. So he made a bee-line for the basket and +proceeded to pick out what he liked best.</p> +<p>"Have you forgotten what I told you," he heard his father shout +to him.</p> +<p>"They have been thrown away," he said going toward the +father.</p> +<p>"That is neither here nor there," was the sharp answer he got. +"You know they are not yours, and so you must not touch them. Put +them back at once."</p> +<p>Keith did as he was told, wondering if he really had done +anything wrong or if his father merely objected for some reason of +his own.</p> +<p>Then he walked around uninterested and forlorn until they were +ready to go home again. The stairway seemed shorter as they +descended, but the pillars were tall and thick as before. And on +the way home his father found a little shop open and bought him a +few <i>öre's</i> worth of hard candy.</p> +<p>It was the only time Keith could ever remember his having done +such a thing.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XX"></a>XX</h2> +<br> +<p>The lodger happened to be away when they got home, and the +mother had opened the door to the parlour in order to get a little +more air and light into the living-room. After dinner the father +went into the parlour to take a nap on the big sofa, while the +mother settled down comfortably in her easy chair, a piece of +handiwork on her lap as usual. Keith took up his customary position +on the footstool to tell her what he had seen and done during his +morning excursion.</p> +<p>She was eager to hear everything and helped him along with +questions, and yet there ran through her very eagerness a subtle +inner resistance which the boy felt vaguely. It as if she never +really cared for anything concerning him in which she herself had +not taken part.</p> +<p>The original glamour had returned to every aspect of his new +experience, and he tried excitedly to describe the wonders of the +vestibule, the stairway and the big hall. In the midst of it he +paused suddenly and fell to staring into vacancy.</p> +<p>"Was that all," she asked, puzzled by his silence.</p> +<p>"Lena dusts our rooms, doesn't she," was his rather startling +counter-question.</p> +<p>"Mostly," the mother replied with a searching glance at his +puckered brows. "Although I sometimes ..."</p> +<p>"You don't have to," the boy broke in.</p> +<p>"No" she admitted, "but then I am sure it is properly done."</p> +<p>"Is that why papa dusts the tables in the bank?"</p> +<p>A pause followed during which it was the mother's turn to stand +the boy's intense scrutiny.</p> +<p>"No," she said at last. "He does it because it is a part of his +work, and a shame it is that he has to. Scrub-women come in and do +the rest of the cleaning, but they are not trusted with the desks, +and so the attendants have to take turns doing that part of it. +That's why your father has to leave so very early in the +morning."</p> +<p>Mother and son lapsed into silence once more. It was broken by +another question from the boy.</p> +<p>"Why couldn't I take some stamps that had been thrown away?"</p> +<p>"Had your father said anything about it before you took +them?"</p> +<p>"He told me not to touch anything."</p> +<p>"Then you couldn't because he had told you to leave things +alone. He is so careful in all such matters. Sometimes he goes a +little too far, perhaps, but you can be sure that he means right. +Other people want the stamps, and there is a lot of gossip and envy +about everything, and he is too proud to be dragged into that sort +of thing. It is always better, Keith, to leave alone what you know +is not your own. Honesty endures beyond all else."</p> +<p>Keith made no direct response, but sprang one more irrelevant +question:</p> +<p>"Why didn't papa get the grocery store?"</p> +<p>"How do you know," the mother demanded with a quick glance at +him.</p> +<p>"Papa told me."</p> +<p>"Well," she drawled as if thinking. Then she settled back in the +chair, her mind made up. "Listen, and I will tell you a story. Once +upon a time there was a rich old man who owned a grocery +store."</p> +<p>"That's where they sell prunes and raisins and sugar," the boy +put in.</p> +<p>"And the store was so fine," she went on unheedingly, "that the +old man was permitted to sell all those things to the king's own +kitchen. The old man had many assistants, but at the head of them +all was a young man who knew just what to do, because he had worked +in such stores ever since he was a little boy. And he was so honest +and able and polite that the people liked him very much and came to +the store for his sake, but the old man liked him more anybody +else."</p> +<p>"Was the old man nice," Keith asked.</p> +<p>"Yes, indeed, but he was also very peculiar, and the most +peculiar thing about him was that he hated all women and thought +that a man who married was lost for ever."</p> +<p>"Did he have any children?"</p> +<p>"No, men who want no wives get no children. That is a part of +their punishment. And so when the owner of the store got older and +older, and began to feel tired, he didn't know to whom he should +leave the store. You may be sure that he thought it over many +times, because he was exceedingly proud of the store and wanted it +to go on. The result of his thinking was that he decided to give it +to the young man whom he trusted and liked so much."</p> +<p>"How did the young man look," Keith broke in.</p> +<p>"Something like your father, I should say. But while all this +was going on, the young man had met a princess and fallen in love +with her...."</p> +<p>"A real princess," asked the boy with wide-open eyes.</p> +<p>"All princesses are real in their own opinion. And she and the +young man had promised to marry each other, and this the old man +learned at last. Then he was very, very angry and told the young +man that he was a fool. And when the young man answered that there +were many of his kind, and that he had pledged his word, the old +man told him that he would not get the store unless he promised to +have nothing more to do with the princess. But the young man loved +her and would not give her up, and so, you see--he didn't get the +store. Don't you think that was nobly done, Keith?"</p> +<p>"Ye-es," the boy assented without particular enthusiasm, "but if +he had got the store, we should have been rich now?"</p> +<p>"We," repeated the mother in a funny tone. "Why, then there +would have been no <i>we</i>."</p> +<p>"Why not," he demanded.</p> +<p>"Or it might have been worse still," she whispered as if +momentarily forgetful of the boy's presence.</p> +<p>"There is your father now," she said a moment later, when a +slight stir was heard in the adjoining room. "Don't say anything +more about the store.... Do you know what your father wanted to be +most of all?"</p> +<p>Keith looked up speculatively as his father appeared at the +doorway to the parlour--a man of medium height, who stooped because +he was nearsighted, and so looked shorter than he was, but also +stronger because of the great width of his shoulders.</p> +<p>"I can tell you," the father put in. "When I couldn't study, I +wanted to be a sailor, and I tried to take hire on a ship whose +master knew me and wished to help me. Then they found out that I +was too nearsighted to steer by the compass, and that was the end +of it. Didn't I tell that I was born under the Monkey Star?"</p> +<p>"Don't talk like that, Carl," the mother protested, rising to +give him a kiss. "You have done very well, and there is no man in +the bank more respected than you."</p> +<p>"Yes," he admitted with something like a grin. "They know I +wouldn't steal even if I had a chance, and they let me collect four +million crowns, as I did the other day, but I shall never get +beyond where I am today. So there you are--what's struck for a +farthing will never be a dollar."</p> +<p>Keith's head was still full of what he had heard when he went to +bed that night, and he didn't know whether to feel happy or unhappy +about it. His father had grown bigger and more interesting in some +ways, and yet the boy's chief impression was of a failure and a +fall. It was this impression that stuck most deeply in his +mind.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XXI"></a>XXI</h2> +<br> +<p>Keith's home was not one of those hospitable places with the +doors always wide open, to which people are drawn almost against +their will and from which they come away with difficulty. Perhaps +it was, above all, the spirit of the father that settled this +matter. To him, more than to any Englishman, his home was his +castle, and he liked to keep the drawbridge raised against +unwelcome company. And most company seemed unwelcome, although at +times, when the right persons appeared at the right moment, he +could be happy as a child and unbend in a manner that made Keith +gape with wonder. When her good mood prevailed, the mother, too, +was touchingly eager for the diversion provided by a chance visit, +but when the dark moments came, she shunned everybody, while at the +same time she watched any prolonged failure to call with morbid +suspiciousness, ascribing it promptly to a sense of superiority +toward herself and her family. Granny was glad enough to talk to +anybody, but she would never ask any one to call, and if no one +came, she was apt to dig out some particularly bitter proverb, like +"money alone has many friends."</p> +<p>Both parents could be hospitable enough when occasion so +demanded, but it was a formal thing with them, exercised only after +due preparation. In many ways, they were large-heartedly generous, +but only in a serious manner, when actual need required it. They +might give freely beyond what they could well afford, but the +father could be out of humour for days if some little thing +regarded as particularly his own had been touched or used by +another member of the family.</p> +<p>As it was, people came and went a good deal, but they came +formally or because some specific errand brought them, and most of +the errands, Keith soon realized, were connected with a desire for +help. The old women living like nightbirds in the garret, would +drop in frequently, and almost invariably with some tale of woe +that sooner or later drew from the mother relief in one form or +another. And one of Keith's earliest tasks, half coveted and half +feared, was to walk up to one of the attics with a plate of soup or +a saucer full of jam or some other tidbit. Others would come from +the outside, and they, too, were mostly old women. They always +wanted to pat Keith, and he objected passionately to all of them. +His especial aversion was a gaunt old woman with a big hooked nose +and a pair of startlingly large, sad-looking eyes. She always +smiled, and her smile was hopelessly out of keeping with the rest +of her face. The very sight of her made Keith forget all his +manners. Time and again his mother rebuked him and tried to bring +him around by telling the old woman's story--a story of wonderful +self-sacrifice and heroic struggle--but it made no difference to +him. There was something about the sight of poverty and unhappiness +and failure that provoked him beyond endurance, and sometimes he +would turn to his mother with a reckless cry of:</p> +<p>"Why do you let them come here at all?"</p> +<p>For the friends of the family, who came there on an equal +footing, he showed more respect, and for a few of them he felt a +real liking. As a rule, however, they inspired him with nothing but +indifference, and his one reason for greeting them with some +approach at cordiality was that they brought a change into the +general monotony of the home, and that their coming might lead to +the distribution of some dainties out of the ordinary. Some of his +parents' friends were poor and growing poorer. Others had the +appearance of doing well and hoping for more. It made no difference +to Keith. They were all middle-aged, sedate and preoccupied with +their own little affairs. They tried to be nice to him, but they +did not interest him, and his main grievance against them--not +clearly understood by any means--was that they brought nothing into +his life of what he wanted.</p> +<p>Had he been asked what he wanted, he would have answered +unhesitatingly:</p> +<p>"Some one to play with."</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XXII"></a>XXII</h2> +<br> +<p>Having whined and nagged until his mother no longer could bear +it, Keith at last obtained the cherished permission to go and play +in the lane.</p> +<p>"But look out for horses," warned his mother as he stood in the +doorway ready to run. "And don't run out of sight, and you must +come when I call, and--you had better keep away from other boys, or +you may come home quite naked this time."</p> +<p>"What do you mean," asked Keith, turning to see whether the +mother was joking or talking seriously.</p> +<p>"Don't you recall when those boys took your coat from you, and +you came up here crying?"</p> +<p>There could be no mistake about her meaning just what she said. +Keith stood still thinking very hard. Here was another memory that +he could not remember at all. There was not a trace of it left in +his mind, and yet it must have happened. It sounded exciting, too, +and he wished to know all about it.</p> +<p>"You had better close the door," his mother suggested.</p> +<p>"All right," said Keith, hastening to close the door from the +outside and make a dive for the stairway. There would be plenty of +time to ask about the loss of his coat later. He was halfway down +the first flight when he heard the kitchen door open behind him, +and his heart leapt into his throat.</p> +<p>"You must go down the stairs quietly," his mother called out +from above, whereupon Keith's heart resumed its normal +position.</p> +<p>He descended the rest of that flight on tip-toe. The second one +was taken more rapidly, and down the last one he went two steps at +a time, the little iron plates under his heels hitting the stones +with a ring that echoed through the old house.</p> +<p>In the lane he found them loading a dray in front of the +distillery, and he started across to watch the men straining at the +next barrel. He had hardly taken a step in that direction, however, +when a loud pop was heard from the black cave forming the entrance +to the distillery. It was followed first by a single cry, and then +by a hubbub of voices. A second later a young man came running out +and threw himself prone into the gutter, where a trickle of water +was to be seen.</p> +<p>Keith was too astonished to be frightened at once. He could not +understand what made the man act in this way. Then another man came +out in a rush and began to beat the legs of the man in the gutter +with his hands, and Keith suddenly noticed that little blue flames +were dancing up and down the grimy leathern trousers of the first +man.</p> +<p>The memory of the night when the church burned leaped into his +mind, making him turn instinctively toward the passageway and his +mother's lap.</p> +<p>At that moment a third man appeared carrying a big tank full of +water which he poured over the man in the gutter. The latter got on +his feet and limped back into the distillery, supported by his two +comrades.</p> +<p>Keith was left behind, trembling a little and gazing curiously +at the hanging head of the dray-horse which had not made the +slightest movement during the previous excitement.</p> +<p>"He'll have to go to bed," said a sleepy voice at his shoulder +just then.</p> +<p>Keith swung around as if touched by an electric shock. Before +him he saw another small boy, apparently of his own age, but a +little taller, and light-haired like himself.</p> +<p>"What's your name," asked Keith as soon as he caught his +breath.</p> +<p>"Johan," answered the other stolidly, but not unfriendly.</p> +<p>"Have you got another name like me?"</p> +<p>"My name is Johan Peter Gustafsson," was the reply given in the +tone of a lesson painfully learned.</p> +<p>"Where do you live?"</p> +<p>"Right here."</p> +<p>"Not in our house," Keith protested.</p> +<p>"No, down there," Johan explained, pointing to the little side +door leading into the courtyard of one of the corner houses at the +Quay.</p> +<p>"What's your father?" Keith continued his cross-examination.</p> +<p>"<i>Vaktmästare</i>" said Johan indifferently.</p> +<p>"So is mine," Keith cried eagerly. "Have you got a bank, +too?"</p> +<p>Johan shook his head as if unable to grasp what Keith meant.</p> +<p>"My popsey works in the office down there," he said, "and we +live beside it, and at night I go with popsey when he carries all +the mail to the postoffice."</p> +<p>"Why do you call him popsey," inquired Keith, fascinated by the +new word and wondering if he would dare use it to his own +father.</p> +<p>"Because that's what he is," Johan declared.</p> +<p>A few minutes later they were playing together as if they had +known each other for ever. They had just discovered an unusually +large and tempting pin in a crack at the bottom of the gutter, when +Keith heard his mother calling from the window above:</p> +<p>"What are you doing, Keith?"</p> +<p>"Oh, just playing," he replied without looking up, forgetful of +everything but the pin that would not come out of the crack.</p> +<p>"Who is that with you?"</p> +<p>"That is Johan," Keith shouted back triumphantly, "and his papa +is a <i>vaktmästare</i>, too."</p> +<p>"Come right up and let me speak to you," was the insistant +rejoinder from above.</p> +<p>"Oh, please, mamma," the boy pleaded, his voice breaking a +little, "can't I stay just a little longer?"</p> +<p>"You must come at once," his mother commanded.</p> +<p>"Is that your mumsey," Johan asked.</p> +<p>"It is my mamma," Keith retorted, his attention momentarily +diverted by Johan's most peculiar way of referring to his +parents.</p> +<p>"Then you had better go," advised the new friend sagely, "or she +will tell your popsey, and then you know what happens to you."</p> +<p>"I think I can come down again, if you wait for me," cried Keith +as he ran into the long dark passageway.</p> +<p>At that moment a cry of "Johan" rose from the lower part of the +lane, and Keith had to come back once more to look.</p> +<p>"There's my mumsey now," said Johan philosophically, pointing to +an open window on the ground floor of the corner house. With that +he slouched off in a manner that Keith half envied and half +resented.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XXIII"></a>XXIII</h2> +<br> +<p>The sudden emergence of Johan had filled Keith's heart with a +new hope. Here was a possible playmate at last. The fact that his +father was a <i>vaktmästare</i> like Keith's ought to settle +all paternal opposition, the boy thought. But to his great +surprise, he found this not to be the case.</p> +<p>A severe cross-examination followed his return home. In the +midst of it, Keith made a grievous strategic mistake, lured on by +his insatiable curiosity about strange words.</p> +<p>"Why does Johan call his mamma 'mumsey' and his papa 'popsey,'" +he asked unexpectedly. "It sounds funny."</p> +<p>"Because he does not know any better," his mother rejoined with +unmistakable disapproval. "It doesn't sound nice, and it isn't +nice."</p> +<p>"But his papa and mamma don't care," Keith objected.</p> +<p>"That's the worst of it," said the mother. "It shows they are +not very nice people, and I wish to talk to your father before you +can play with Johan any more."</p> +<p>"I have heard of them," the grandmother piped up, making them +both turn towards her, one hopefully and the other doubtfully.</p> +<p>The grandmother never left the kitchen. She walked from the sofa +to the big foot-stool, from the foot-stool to the table by the +window, and from the table back to the sofa. Sometimes she would +not be seen talking to another person for days. And yet she had a +miraculous way of surprising the rest of the family with pieces of +gossip picked out of the air, one might think. There was apparently +not a person in the neighbourhood of whom she had not heard, and +about whom she could not give some more or less intimate piece of +information. They were all perfect strangers to her, but she +followed their lives with as much keenness for minute details as if +they had been her nearest kin or dear friends.</p> +<p>"She was a cook in the house of the man whose office Gustafsson +works in," the grandmother went on. "He used to do odd jobs for the +family, cutting wood and such things, and in that way he met her in +the kitchen, and one fine day they decided to get married. She is +older than him, and I guess it was her last chance. But the family +was crazy about her, and when they heard of it, they gave him the +place of attendant in the office downstairs and the two rooms back +of the office to live in. He was just a peasant boy, and she reads +the Bible all day and goes to prayer-meeting at night."</p> +<p>"How do you know all that," wondered Keith's mother, having +learned by this time that the old woman's gossip was generally well +founded on truth.</p> +<p>"Oh," the grandmother said with a queer smile particular to such +occasions, "a little bird sang it to me."</p> +<p>"I think they must be rather low people," Keith's mother +concluded.</p> +<p>"Perhaps," the grandmother said, "but they have plenty of +religion at least, and I don't think the boy can do much harm to +Keith."</p> +<p>Keith ran up to the grandmother and kissed her impulsively.</p> +<p>That night there was a great family council. Keith's father was +told about Johan and the Gustafssons.</p> +<p>"I think they are about as good as ourselves," was his verdict, +given in a tone suggesting contempt for his own position rather +than respect for that of Johan's father. "But Keith has his toys, +and that ought to be enough for him."</p> +<p>"It <i>is</i> rather lonely for him," the mother rejoined, "and +he should get out a little, I suppose, but I hate to have him +playing about the streets, and I fear Johan's manners are not very +good."</p> +<p>"The best thing is to send him to school," said the father.</p> +<p>"What are you talking of, Carl," the mother cried. "The +idea--when he is barely five!"</p> +<p>"He knows more about the letters than I did when I began school +at seven," the father came back unperturbed.</p> +<p>"I don't think it would be very bad for him to play a little +with Johan now and then," said the mother evasively, bending down +to kiss Keith, who had snuggled up to her during the preceding +talk. Then she put her hand through his waves of almost flaxen +hair, bent his head slightly backward, looked straight into his +eyes, and asked:</p> +<p>"You don't want to leave me, do you?"</p> +<p>"No," said Keith, hugging her passionately, "but I think I +should like to go to school."</p> +<p>The idea carried no distinct image to his mind, and he felt a +little timid toward all those unknown possibilities implied by the +word school, but this slight feeling of hesitation was swamped by a +longing so restless and so irresistible that it sent tears to his +eyes, although he could not tell himself what it was he longed +for.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="I_XXIV"></a>XXIV</h2> +<br> +<p>It was true that Keith knew a good deal for his age. In fact, he +had mastered the whole alphabet and was making good progress in +spelling under his mother's guidance. He was eager and quick to +learn. Generally his interest was rather fitful, but along this one +line it showed no wavering. It was as if the boy had known that the +art of reading would offer him an escape of some sort.</p> +<p>He might have advanced still more rapidly if his mother had been +more steady in her teaching. She was very proud of him, and she +spoke of reading and studying as if there were nothing finer in the +world.</p> +<p>"No better burden bears any man than much wisdom," she quoted +one day from the old Eddas--probably without knowing the source. "I +know, if any one does, what lack of money means, but I want you +rather to have learning than wealth. Then, when the whole world is +listening to you with bated breath, I shall walk across North +Bridge resting on your arm, and I shall be repaid for all that my +own life has not brought me. We shall walk arm in arm, you and I, +at four o'clock, when the King goes for a walk, too, and all +Stockholm is there to see.... Will you do that, Keith?"</p> +<p>"Of course," he cried, his eyes shining.</p> +<p>But sometimes she was helpless in the grip of one of her +depressed moods, and then days might go by without a lesson. Far +from being made happy by that respite, he would plead with her to +be taught "one more little letter," and finally she would bring +down the book from the hanging book shelf on the wall back of her +easy chair. There stood the a-b-c book she had bought for him, and +her favourite hymn-book, and the New Testament given to the father +when he left school to begin earning his own living, and the +miniature copy of Luther's catechism presented to him at the time +of his confirmation. There, too, rested the big Bible which Keith's +mother treasured as much as her wedding ring and the bureau that +was her chief wedding present. It was a gift from her father when +she was confirmed, and on its fly-leaf he had written:</p> +<p>"Belongs to Anna Margareta Carlsson."</p> +<p>It was this Bible rather than the a-b-c book that became the +principal means of instruction. Keith loved it, and he could not +have been much more than three years old when he first began to +pore over its quaint old illustrations. The first of these showed +an old man with a long beard and a trailing white garment floating +over a sheet of water out of which rose two ragged pieces of rock. +At one corner a pallid sun emerged out of the fleeing mists, while, +at the opposite corner, a tiny moon crescent seemed about to +disappear beneath the stilled waters.</p> +<p>"Who is that," asked Keith not once, but many times.</p> +<p>"That is God creating the world," explained his mother.</p> +<p>"But I don't see the world."</p> +<p>"It is just coming out," she said, pointing to the rocks.</p> +<p>"Who's God," was Keith's next question as a rule.</p> +<p>"He is the father of the whole universe," the mother said +reverently.</p> +<p>"Papa's too," asked the boy once, and seeing his mother nod +assent, he cried jubilantly:</p> +<p>"Then he must be my grandfather, whose portrait you haven't +got!"</p> +<p>More frequently he stopped short as soon as he heard about the +universal fatherhood. That was grown-up talk to him, and like much +else, it carried no meaning to his mind. Nor did he waste much +thought on it after having asked once if he could see God and been +told that no man could do that and live. His mind was occupied with +food and clothes and toys and people and things. What could never +be seen was easily dismissed--much more easily than the spook that +one of the servant girls insisted on having seen, thus making +Keith's father so angry that he nearly discharged her on the spot. +And from that first picture in the Bible the boy turned impatiently +to another further on, where a small boy with a sword almost as big +as himself was cutting the head off a man much taller than Keith's +father. And at the top of each page appeared big black letters +which he could recognize almost as easily as those in the a-b-c +book, although they were differently shaped and much more pretty to +look at.</p> +<p>To Keith this opening up of a new world was exclusively pleasant +at first, and so it was to his mother, but other people seemed to +be troubled by it at times. One day his free-spoken aunt was +visiting with them, and, as usual, disagreeing with Keith's mother, +who evidently felt one of her dark spells approaching. Wishing to +express her disagreement at some particular point quite forcibly, +but wishing also to keep the listening boy from enriching his +vocabulary with a term of doubtful desirability, she took the +precaution to spell out the too picturesque word:</p> +<p>"R-o-t!" Just then she caught a gleam of aroused interest in +Keith's eyes, and to make assurance doubly sure, she hastened to +add: "Says rod!"</p> +<p>"No," Keith objected promptly. "It says rot, and I want to know +what it means."</p> +<p>"I knew that small pigs also have ears, but I didn't know they +could spell," was her amused comment, uttered in a tone that +touched something in Keith's inside most pleasantly. Then, however, +she went on in a manner grown quite serious:</p> +<p>"You had better send him to school, Anna."</p> +<p>"Yes," replied the mother to Keith's intense surprise, "Carl and +I have been talking it over and practically decided to do so. He +certainly needs some better guidance than he gets from his poor, +good-for-nothing mother."</p> +<p>"Good-for-nothing fiddlesticks!" sputtered the aunt. "You'll +make me say something much worse than rot. Anna, if you keep +talking like that when the boy hears it."</p> +<p>Keith had heard, but his mind was absorbed by the new idea.</p> +<p>"Well," said his mother, "I cannot take care of him properly. He +is running down to that Gustafsson boy all time and most of the +time I can't get him home again except by going for him."</p> +<p>"Johan's mother said yesterday that I hadn't been there half an +hour when you called for me," Keith broke in. "And then she said +that I had better not come back if you don't think Johan good +enough for to play with."</p> +<p>"I don't say we are better than anybody else," said the mother, +addressing herself to the aunt rather than to Keith. "But I don't +know what he is doing when he is down there, and Johan seems such a +clod that I can't see why Keith wants to play with him."</p> +<p>"Why can't Johan come up here," asked Keith.</p> +<p>"Because ...," said his mother, and got no further.</p> +<p>"Yes," the aunt declared in a tone of absolute finality, "you +must send him to school."</p> +<p>No sooner had the aunt taken her leave than Keith assailed his +mother with excited demands for further information. She took his +head between her both hands and looked at him as if she would never +see him again.</p> +<p>"Only five," she said at last, "and already he wants to get +away. A few years more--a few short years--and you will be gone for +good, I suppose."</p> +<p>"Oh, mamma," he protested, "you know that I shall never leave +you!"</p> +<p>"No, never entirely," she cried, kissing him fervently. "Promise +me you won't, Keith!"</p> +<p>He promised, and then he wanted to know what they did in school. +But she began to talk about difficulties and dangers and +temptations and all sorts of things he couldn't grasp. She spoke +with intense feeling, and as always when she was deeply moved, his +whole being was set vibrating in tune with her mood. His cheeks +flushed, his throat choked, his eyes brimmed over with tears, and +at last he began to wonder whether he had not better stay right +where he was. Her eyes were dim with tears, too, and once more she +took his head between her hands and looked an endless time before +she said:</p> +<p>"Now you are beginning life in earnest, Keith!"</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h1><a name="PART_II"></a>PART II</h1> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_I"></a>I</h2> +<br> +<p>One day in the early autumn Keith's mother dressed him with +unusual care and kissed him several times before they left the +house. Granny had to be kissed, too, and even Lena came forward to +shake hands and say good-bye. It was a very solemn affair.</p> +<p>Hand in hand Keith and his mother walked clear across the old +City, past Great Church, until they came to a very broad lane at +the foot of which was a square with a statue in it. At the other +end of the square lay a very large, red building.</p> +<p>"That's the House of Knights where all the nobility hang up +their coats-of-arms," said the mother.</p> +<p>But Keith was too excited to ask any questions at that +moment.</p> +<p>They entered a house much finer and neater than their own and +stopped in front of a door on the second floor. A hubbub of shrill +voices could be heard from within. Keith gripped his mother's hand +more firmly.</p> +<p>Then the door was opened by a white-haired lady with spectacles +and they were admitted to a large room, containing a score of +little boys and girls. A dead silence fell on the room as they +appeared, and every eye turned toward Keith, who blushed furiously +as was his wont whenever he found himself observed.</p> +<p>After a brief talk with the teacher, Keith's mother to him:</p> +<p>"This is Aunt Westergren, whom you must obey as you obey me. And +now be a good boy and don't cry."</p> +<p>As the mother tarried by the door for a moment to exchange a +last word with the teacher, and perhaps also to cast one more +lingering glance at the boy, a little girl ran up to Keith, put her +right fore-finger on top of his head and cried out:</p> +<p>"Towhead!"</p> +<p>All the other children giggled. Keith blushed more deeply than +ever, but did not say a word or stir a limb. A moment later the +teacher began to cross-question him about his knowledge of letters +and spelling, and he found it much easier to answer her than to +face the children. But, of course, after a while he was quite at +home among them without knowing how it had happened.</p> +<p>That afternoon his mother came for him. The next morning he had +to start out alone under direct orders from the father, and alone +he made his way home again, his bosom swelling with a sense of +wonderful independence. Years passed before he learned that his +mother had watched over him for days before she was fully convinced +of his ability to find the way by himself.</p> +<p>The autumn passed. Winter and spring came and went. It was +summer again. The little school closed. Keith could read the +head-lines at the tops of the pages in the big Bible without help. +But of the school where he had learned it hardly a memory remained. +It was as if the place had made no impression whatsoever on his +mind. And the children with whom he studied and played nearly a +whole year might as well have been dreams, forgotten at the moment +of waking--all but one of them.</p> +<p>Harald alone seemed a real, living thing, a part of Keith's own +life, but not a part of the school where the two met daily. He was +a year older than Keith, a little slow mentally, but rather +unusually advanced in other ways. His father was a merchant of some +sort, with an office of his own and half a dozen clerks at his +command, and Harald had been taught to regard himself as a young +gentleman. They lived a few houses from the school, in the same +street, and their home was a revelation to Keith.</p> +<p>Houses less fortunate than his own were familiar to him, but he +had never seen a better one until he was asked to visit Harald for +the first time, and the comparisons made on that occasion stuck +deeply in his mind.</p> +<p>They entered through a hallway where caps and coats were left +behind, and from there they went into a room where every piece of +furniture was of mahogany. Between the windows hung a mirror in a +gilded frame that was as tall as the room itself, so that Keith +could see himself from head to foot. The object that caught the +boy's attention most of all, however, was a chandelier suspended +from the middle of the ceiling and made up of hundreds of little +rods of glass. As Harald slammed the door on entering, some of the +rods were set in motion and struck against each other with a tiny +twinkle that seemed to Keith the most beautiful sound he had ever +heard.</p> +<p>That room, Harald said, was used only to receive visitors, and +he gave Keith to understand that there were any number of other +rooms on both sides of it. One of these was Harald's own and used +by nobody else. He could even lock the door of it on the inside, if +he wanted. There they played with tin soldiers several inches high, +and Harald had a little cannon out of which they could shoot dry +peas, so that it was possible to fight a real battle by dividing +the soldiers and taking turns of using the cannon. Finally Harald's +mother appeared with a bowl of fruit and greeted the visitor with a +certain searching kindness that made him a little uneasy in the +midst of all his enjoyment.</p> +<p>Keith returned home that day much later than unusual to find his +mother in a state of frantic worry. At first she declared that he +must not go anywhere without her knowing about it in advance, but +after a while she became quite interested and palpably elated by +Keith's tale of all the glories he had seen. She explained that the +glass rods on the chandeliers were prisms that showed the whole +rainbow when you held them in front of a light, and she asked him +eagerly if he had been invited to come again. But when the father +heard of it that night, he said:</p> +<p>"I don't think Keith should go there at all. He can't ask such a +boy over here, and the next thing we know, Keith's own home will no +longer be good enough for him."</p> +<p>Keith could hardly believe his ears. He had never felt such +resentment against his father, and just before going to bed, while +his father was out of the room for a moment, he whispered to his +mother:</p> +<p>"I think papa does not want me to have any fun!"</p> +<p>"You don't understand," she retorted. "He means well. Remember +what Granny says: Equals make the best playmates."</p> +<p>Three or four times Keith went home with Harald. Then the gates +of paradise were suddenly slammed in his face. One day, as they +were leaving school together, Harald remarked quite calmly:</p> +<p>"You can't come home with me any more."</p> +<p>"Why," gasped Keith, his throat choking.</p> +<p>"Because mamma says I must find some one else to play with," +Harald explained. Then he softened a little: "I can't help it, and +I like you."</p> +<p>"But why," insisted Keith on the verge of tears.</p> +<p>"You look like a nice boy, mamma says, but your father is +nothing but a <i>vaktmästare</i>, and mine is a +<i>grosshandlare</i> (wholesale dealer)."</p> +<p>Keith walked home in a stupor and began to cry the moment he saw +his mother. Her lips tightened and her face grew white as she +listened to the story he sobbed forth.</p> +<p>"Now you can see that your father was right," she said at last. +"Of course, we are just as good as anybody else, but others don't +think so--because we are poor. But we have our pride, and you had +better stay and play with your own soldiers hereafter. Then I don't +have to worry about you either."</p> +<p>But Keith had very little pride. He continued to seek Harald's +company as before, and twice, as they about to part in front of the +latter's house, Keith asked if he couldn't come up and play for a +little while.</p> +<p>"Don't you understand," Harald asked the second time, "that my +mamma does not think you good enough for me to play with?"</p> +<p>Keith had not thought of it in that way. He had learned that +there were people who looked down on his parents, just as they, in +their turn, looked down on the parents of Johan, but the idea that +he himself might be regarded equally inferior was entirely new to +him. It was so strange to him that it took him years to grasp it. +And when it came into his mind, he felt as if some one had raised a +heavy stick to strike him, and he cowered under the impending +blow.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_II"></a>II</h2> +<br> +<p>Christmas was approaching.</p> +<p>The days grew shorter and shorter, until at last a scant four +hours of daylight remained around noon. Even then a lamp was often +needed for reading.</p> +<p>The lead-coloured sky nearly touched the roofs. The drizzle that +filled the air most of the time seemed to enter men's minds, too, +sapping their vigour until life became a burden. Meeting on the +streets, they would cry in irritable tones:</p> +<p>"When will the snow come?"</p> +<p>It was always a tedious time for Keith. The incident with Harald +made it worse this year. Except for the daily attendance at school, +he was virtually a prisoner. Johan was to be seen only from the +window, whence Keith enviously watched him prowling about the lane, +his hands buried in the side-pockets of an old coat much too +long--apparently inherited from someone else--and his shoulders +hunched as if fore-destined to support loads of wood like those his +father used to carry. If no one was in the living-room, Keith might +shout a greeting to his playmate below, but it was not much fun, +and Johan had a contemptuous way of asking why he did not come out +and play.</p> +<p>Yet the season was not without its compensations. Stores of +every kind were laid in to last through the winter. One might have +thought that a severance of communications with the outside world +was feared. Keith marvelled at the magnificence of it, and once in +a while he asked why it had to be done. The answers were +unsatisfactory. The main reason was that it had always been done, +but he gathered also that, while it was perfectly respectable to +live from day to day during the summer, to do so during the winter +would be a distinct proof of social and economic inferiority.</p> +<p>The fire wood came first--a mighty load of birch logs piled +along the house front in the lane. Two men were busy all day with +saw and ax, reducing those logs into pieces matching the +fire-places in the kitchen stove and the two glazed brick ovens in +the living-room and the parlour. Two more men piled the pieces into +huge sacks and staggered with those on their backs up the five +flights of stairs to the top garret under the peak of the house, +which belonged to the Wellanders.</p> +<p>Keith would stand in the kitchen door watching them. First he +heard the slow clamp-clamp of ascending foot-steps. Then the man's +heavy breathing became audible, and Keith felt as if the load was +resting on his own shoulders. Finally the open top of the bag, with +its bright stuffing of newly cut birch wood, showed at the corner +of the landing quite a long time before the head beneath it came +into sight. As the man crossed the landing in front of Keith, bent +almost double under his burden, a dew of pungent perspiration would +drop on the slate-coloured stones, leaving behind a curious path of +round spots. Not a word was said at that time, but coming down the +men would sometimes throw a crude jest to the bright-eyed watcher +or stop to refill their mouths with snuff out of a little thin +brass box with a mirror fitted to the inside of its cover. The +sight of the snuff filled Keith with a sense of loathing, although +his father used to put a pinch of it into his nostrils now and +then, and more than anything else it seemed to mark a distinction +between himself and those people from a world far beneath his own. +Theirs was a racking job, heavier than any other known to the boy, +and one day he asked his mother:</p> +<p>"Why do they care to carry all that wood for us?"</p> +<p>"Because we pay them, and because they are mighty glad to get +the money. Otherwise they couldn't live."</p> +<p>"And where does the wood come from?"</p> +<p>"The bank sends it as part of papa's pay."</p> +<p>Once more Keith was so impressed with the miraculous power of +that mysterious being which his father served and cursed and +worshipped that his mother's previous answer was lost for the time +being. But it recurred to his mind later and connected with his +father's talk of making him a carpenter. A strong prejudice against +manual labour was shaping itself in his mind.</p> +<p>After the wood came the victuals: a tub of butter reaching Keith +to the chin; bags of flour; barrels of potatoes and apples; hams +and haunches of dried mutton and smoked reindeer meat; and lastly +packages of smaller size and sundry contents that the mother +promptly carried to the pantry inside the parlour without letting +Keith touch them.</p> +<p>This year--it was the winter following the Franco-Prussian +war--the preparations were rendered uncommonly impressive by the +addition of a cheese large as the moon at full. There was always +plenty of cheese of various kinds in the house: whole milk cheese +carefully aged until its flavour was like that of English Stilton +or Italian Gorgonzola; skim milk cheese stuffed with cloves and +cardamom seeds; and dark brown goat milk cheese of a cloying +sweetness that Keith detested.</p> +<p>Cheese was more than a taste with Keith's father. It was a +hobby, and one of his few pastimes was to skirmish in strange +little shops for some particularly old and strong-smelling piece at +a reasonable price. When he brought home a bargain of that kind, he +acted like a bibliophile having just captured a rare first edition +for a song, and the mother tried hard to share his enthusiasm. But, +she said once, she had to draw the line at cheese that walked by +itself. Half in jest and half in earnest, the father maintained +that the maggots were the very essence of the cheese, and that to +remove them was to lose the finest flavour. This year the father +had bought a whole fresh cheese in order to age it at home and thus +save money in two ways, the price being proportionate to the +age.</p> +<p>The same large-handed system prevailed in other things, though +the parents often spoke of their poverty, and though their +resources undoubtedly were very limited. Shirts, table-ware, +bed-linen, china, etc., must needs be acquired in round numbers. To +have less than a dozen of anything was to have nothing at all. The +breaking of a cup was a family disaster if it could not be +replaced. Everything had to be in sets, and to preserve these +intact, the utmost care was preached and exercised. It bred thrift +and orderliness, but also an undue regard for property.</p> +<p>Finally came the time for baking and other direct preparations +for a holiday season that in the good old days used to last from +Christmas Eve to January 13th known as the Twentieth Christmas Day, +when everybody "danced the Yule out." What interested Keith most in +this part of the proceedings was the making of gingersnaps +according to a recipe transmitted to his mother from bygone +generations and cherished by her as a precious family secret. A +whole day was set aside for the purpose and at the end of it they +had a big, bulging earthen jar filled to the brim. Keith used to +boast to other children of those dainties that, in addition to +their taste, had the fascination of many different shapes--hearts, +crowns, lilies, clubs, diamonds, baskets, and so on. They really +deserved all the praise they got, and he had so little to boast of +on the whole. The jar stood on the floor in the pantry back of the +parlour, and once in a while Keith found his way to it without +maternal permission, although, as a rule, he was little given to +lawbreaking.</p> +<p>One morning three or four days before Christmas Lena was heard +calling from the kitchen:</p> +<p>"Keith, Keith, come and look!"</p> +<p>Eager as always when the slightest excitement was promised, the +boy started so suddenly that his little table was upset with its +whole population of tin soldiers and his mother was moved to remark +that "it was no use behaving as if the house were on fire."</p> +<p>"Look at the snow," said Lena, pointing to the window when Keith +reached the kitchen, relieved at not having had to pick up the +spilled toys before he could go.</p> +<p>Huge, wet, feathery flakes were dropping lazily from the sky. +Little by little they increased in numbers and fell more quickly. +At last they formed a moving veil through which the building at the +other end of the courtyard could barely be seen.</p> +<p>Later in the day Keith was permitted to look out through one of +the front windows. The whole world had changed and looked much +brighter in spite of the failing light. The Quay was covered by a +carpet of white that made the waters beyond look doubly dark and +cold. The trees on the opposite shore looked as if they had been +painted from the topmost twig to the root. Down in the lane, two of +the workers in the distillery were pelting each other with +snowballs while a third one was shouting at the top of his +voice:</p> +<p>"We'll have a white Christmas this year, thank heaven."</p> +<p>That same evening Keith's long cherished dream of visiting the +open-air Christmas Fair at Great Square was to come true at last. +Like other affairs of its kind, it had been reduced by the modern +shop to a mere shadow of its former glorious self, and it was kept +up only out of regard for ancient tradition. Keith had been told +that it was nothing but a lot of open booths displaying cheap toys +and cheaper candy. To Keith toys were toys and candy candy, no +matter what the price and quality, and so he kept on begging leave +to go, until the night in question his parents, who were going out +with friends, deemed it better to let him see for himself. And so +Lena was ordered to take charge of the expedition.</p> +<p>Lena and Keith were dressed and ready to start when the mother +came into the kitchen to give the boy a farewell kiss as usual. He +was in high spirits, but fidgety with some unexpressed wish.</p> +<p>"What is it, Keith," asked the mother, recognizing the +symptoms.</p> +<p>"I want some money," he whispered into her ear.</p> +<p>"Go and ask papa."</p> +<p>"No, you ask him."</p> +<p>That was what always happened, and in the end the mother voiced +the boy's plea to the father, who just then appeared in the door to +the living-room. He was in a good humour and promptly reached into +his pocket. Unfortunately Keith discovered at that crucial moment +that one of his shoe laces had become untied.</p> +<p>"Please, mamma, help me," he said, putting his foot on a chair +to enable her to reach it more easily.</p> +<p>"That settles it," exclaimed the father with a darkening face as +he handed Keith a few small copper coins. "That is all you will get +now. A boy of five who makes his mother tie his shoe strings ought +not to have anything at all."</p> +<p>Keith took the coins silently and went with Lena to the fair, +but he saw nothing worth seeing, and he never wanted to go again. +Uneasily he prowled among the booths trying as a matter of duty to +find something so cheap that his scant hoard would buy it. At last +he succeeded in getting a little box of tin soldiers of poorest +quality for one-third less than the price put on it It was one of +the few times in his life when he found himself able to haggle over +the cost of a thing.</p> +<p>From the first he found fault with the new addition to his army, +and one day not long afterwards he charged the whole regiment with +cowardice in the face of the enemy. A drumhead court martial was +held on the spot, and the verdict was a foregone conclusion. The +culprits were found guilty in a body and sentenced to immediate +execution. Then Keith possessed himself surreptitiously of the +family hammer, and when his mother came to investigate the noise he +was making the whole offensive regiment had been reduced to scraps. +Never before or after did Keith as a general go to such extremes on +behalf of military morale.</p> +<p>But many, many years later, when he stopped for the first time +at a typical English hotel, he found himself horribly embarrassed +by the assistance forced on him by the obligatory valet.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_III"></a>III</h2> +<br> +<p>In Sweden the principal celebration with its distribution of +gifts takes place late on Christmas Eve.</p> +<p>Long before that day Keith began to watch every package brought +into the house. Soon he noticed several that disappeared quickly +without having been opened. Nor did it take his shrewd little mind +long to figure out that they must have been stowed away on the +upper shelf of the pantry back of the parlour. This was an +excellent hiding-place because the shelf in question was fully six +feet above the floor and on a level with the lintel of the doorway, +so that its contents seemed as much out of reach as they were out +sight from below.</p> +<p>One day, however, Keith succeeded in getting into the parlour +when both parents were out. The night before his father had come +home with an unusually large and queerly shaped package under his +arm and had taken it straight into the parlour. The boy's curiosity +was at fever heat and got the better of his customary inertia in +the face of explicit prohibitions. Having dragged a heavy wooden +chair into the pantry, he placed its tall back directly against the +shelves. The crosspieces in the back of the chair formed rungs on +which he climbed up to the top shelf. It was quite a feat for a +very small boy, but the slight timidity that characterized him as a +rule was totally forgotten for the time.</p> +<p>There was the mystifying package together with many others. He +could even touch it with his hand. In spite of its size, it was +very light. It was wider at the bottom than at the top, and it +sounded hollow when he knocked at it. His little brain worked at +high pressure, but not a guess came out of it that was at all +plausible. Finally Keith had to climb down no wiser than he was +before. His failure had one advantage. It freed him from all of +guilt. It served also to keep his expectations at an unusually high +pitch, so that when the morning of the great day arrived at last, +it seemed as if he were facing twelve long hours of actual +torture.</p> +<p>Every one was very busy preparing not only for the feast of the +evening, but for the two coming holidays. Christmas Day in Sweden +being followed by a Second Christmas Day, equal to the first one in +leisure if not in sanctity. No one had any time to spare for the +boy, who found himself in the way wherever he turned. In the end he +was ordered pointblank out of the kitchen, where his mother, Granny +and the servant girl needed all the space at their disposal. The +door to the parlour was closed although the lodger had left town +for the holidays, and so nothing but the living-room remained. +There Keith whiled away the long hours in vain speculation on the +contents of the mysterious package.</p> +<p>He tried to recall what things he had wished for during the +year. He felt sure that nothing of the kind could be in the +package. Any desire openly expressed was disregarded by his father, +Keith thought, if not actually resented. The reason given was that +a Christmas present should be a complete surprise, and if the +recipient had openly asked for it, there could be no talk of +surprising him. Of course, Keith could whisper what he wanted into +his mother's ear now and then but always with the provision that +she must convey the proper information to the father as coming from +herself.</p> +<p>Even this process of elimination failed, however, and so the day +dragged on interminably, with no help from without for a mind weary +of waiting. The customary dinner was passed up. Everybody snatched +a bite off the kitchen table without breaking away from the work. +Three or four times people arrived with packages from relatives or +friends. Each visitor had to be treated, even though he be a +stranger of the humblest character. Then dull monotony reigned once +more, and Keith resumed his fidgeting back and forth between the +kitchen door and his own corner. The old toys were simply +unendurable....</p> +<p>It had long been dark when the father returned home at last, +laden with parcels and tired out by personal delivery of Christmas +gifts to the various members of the family. His face was slightly +flushed and he talked with unusual eagerness. An atmosphere of +reckless good-will surrounded him, and when he made a remark about +there being no presents, even Keith knew it to be facetious.</p> +<p>The last hour was the longest. The father and the mother had +withdrawn to the parlour and closed the door behind them. The girl +was setting the table and couldn't be disturbed. Granny was nervous +and irritable because she knew that she would be forced to join the +rest at the table that night. Keith felt like a disembodied soul +let loose in infinite space without goal or purpose.</p> +<p>Toward eight o'clock the parlour door opened and Keith was +called in. A tiny Christmas tree stood on a table in a corner, +glistening with lights and multicoloured paper festoons. It +represented a great concession, because neither one of the parents +cared much for the trouble involved. If there had been a number of +children in the family, they said, then it would have been another +matter. The truth was that Keith didn't care very much either. He +clapped hands and shouted excitedly, of course, but his glances +went sideways to the big sofa, where stood a huge hamper piled to +twice its own height with parcels, all wrapped in snow-white paper +and sealed with red sealing wax. The air of the room was charged +with the rich smell of newly melted wax, and to Keith that smell +was always the essence of Christmas, its chief symbol and +harbinger.</p> +<p>During those few minutes in the parlour a dozen tall candles had +been lighted in the living-room, transforming the place that a +moment before seemed so dreary. The dining table was opened to its +full length and placed across the middle of the room, at right +angles to the chaiselongue where Keith slept nights. Cut glass +dishes and silver-ware shone in the light reflected from the +spotlessly white table cloth. In the centre stood the Christmas +layer cake, its body four inches thick and its top glistening with +red and yellow and green pieces of candied fruit.</p> +<p>Then began the little comedy regularly enacted every +Christmas.</p> +<p>"Isn't Granny coming," the father asked. Then he turned to Lena. +"Tell her we are ready."</p> +<p>"She says she doesn't want to come in," Lena reported after a +hasty visit to the kitchen.</p> +<p>"You go and ask her for me, Keith," was the father's next +suggestion.</p> +<p>"Thank you, dear," Granny said when Keith came to her with his +message. "But you tell your father that I think the kitchen is a +much better place for a useless old hag like myself."</p> +<p>"Suppose you go," the father said to his wife on hearing Keith's +modified version of Granny's reply.</p> +<p>"She says she really won't come in," the mother explained a +minute later. "You had better go out and ask her yourself, Carl. It +is the one thing she cannot resist."</p> +<p>The father went with a broad grin on his face. Keith laughed +loudly and nervously, his eyes on the huge cake. But the mother +said apologetically to Lena:</p> +<p>"Mamma is so funny about coming in here, although she knows how +much we want her."</p> +<p>"Here she is now," said Lena.</p> +<p>And the father appeared with Granny on his arm, and Granny was +all dressed up in her best skirt of black silk thick as cloth, with +a cap of black lace on her head.</p> +<p>"Really, I can't see what you want with an old thing like me in +here," she continued protesting as she was being led to her seat +beside Keith. The girl sat opposite Granny, and the mother beside +the girl, facing Keith. The father, on that one occasion, always +occupied the chaiselongue at the short end of the table, with the +mother on his right and Keith on his left. Beside him stood the +hamper with its mountainous pile of parcels.</p> +<p>Keith said grace with folded hands and bent head, and, of +course, he had to say it twice because the first time he swallowed +half the words in his eagerness to get through quickly. Then the +meal began.</p> +<p>It opened with a light <i>smörgasbord</i>, hors d'oeuvres, +literally rendered sandwich-table: caviar, anchovy, sardines, +shavings of smoked salmon, slices of bologna, and so on. With it +the father took a <i>snaps</i> of Swedish gin or +<i>brännvin</i>, and after much pressing Granny consented to +take one, too. The main course consisted of <i>lutfisk</i>: dried +and salted codfish that had been soaked in water for twenty-four +hours to take out the salt and then boiled until it was tender as +cranberry jelly. It was served with boiled potatoes and a gravy +made of cream and chopped hard-boiled eggs. It was followed by +<i>risgrynsgröt</i>: rice cooked in milk and served with a +cover of sugar and cinnamon. Wherever Swedes go, they must have +those two dishes on Christmas Eve. They have had them since the +days when Christmas was a pagan celebration of the winter solstice, +when dried codfish was the staple winter food, and when rice was +the rarest of imported delicacies.</p> +<p>Keith did not become interested until the rice appeared and the +father declared that no one could taste it until he or she had +"rhymed over the rice." Lena had to begin, and blushingly she +read:</p> +<p>"To cook rice is a great feat, especially to get it sweet."</p> +<p>Whereupon everybody applauded, and the mother followed:</p> +<p>"Those who don't like rice are worse than little mice."</p> +<p>The father made them all laugh by saying:</p> +<p>"The rice is sweet and looks very neat, but now I want to +eat."</p> +<p>The cutting of the cake, with its coating of sugar and its many +layers of custard ... the wine, port and sherry, poured from tall +glass decanters with silver labels hung about their necks to show +which was which ... the blushing native apples and the figs from +distant sunlit shores ... the almonds and raisins that tested best +when eaten together ... the candy and the caramels ... the absence +of restraint and reproof ... the freedom to indulge one's utmost +appetite ... the smiles and the pleasant words and the jokes sprung +by the father ... and in the midst of it all a pause laden with +rose-coloured melancholy....</p> +<p>"Why can it not be Christmas every day," asked Keith +suddenly.</p> +<p>"Because Christmas then would be like any other day," the father +replied, reaching for the first parcel which was always for +Keith.</p> +<p>One by one they were handed out. Each one was elaborately +addressed and furnished with a rhymed or unrhymed tag that often +hid a sting beneath its clownish exterior. The father read the +inscription aloud before he handed each parcel to its recipient, +who had to open it and let its contents be admired by all before +another gift was distributed.</p> +<p>The table became crowded. The floor was a litter of paper. Lena +giggled. Granny's cap was down on one ear. Keith could not sit +still on his chair.</p> +<p>"To Master Keith Wellander," the father read out. "A friendly +warning, to be remembered in the morning and all through the day. +He who slops at meals is a pig that squeals and hurts his parents +alway."</p> +<p>Keith took the parcel with less than usual zest. It was +rectangular and very heavy. For a moment he hesitated to open it. +There was something about its inscription that puzzled and bothered +him.</p> +<p>At last the wrapper came off, and he gazed uncomprehendingly at +a large piece of wood hollowed out like a canoe.</p> +<p>"A boat ..." he stammered.</p> +<p>"A trough," rejoined his father, a strange, almost embarrassed +look appearing on his face. "This is Christmas and I want you to be +happy, but you must learn to eat decently, and I thought this might +serve you as a lesson and a reminder."</p> +<p>Keith said nothing. He sat looking at that piece of wood as if +it were a dragon that had swallowed the whole Christmas in a single +gulp. He wanted to cry, but for the first time he seemed to feel a +pride that forbade him to do so....</p> +<p>"Master Keith Wellander," the father read out again with evident +haste and in a voice which he tried to make very jolly, "When +beaten in the open field, this will be my trusty shield."</p> +<p>It was <i>the</i> package--and the trough was forgotten.</p> +<p>The boy trembled with excitement. His hands tore vainly at the +paper cover, which, in the end, had to be removed by the +father.</p> +<p>On the table, fully revealed at last, stood a real fortress of +cardboard, with a drawbridge that could be raised, and a tower in +the centre, and at the top of it a flagstaff flying the Swedish +colours.</p> +<p>It was his heart's most cherished desire, the thing that had +seemed so unattainable that he had deemed it useless to whisper it +into his mother's ear.</p> +<p>For a long while he did not move at all, but just looked and +looked, seemingly afraid to touch the new toy. Then a warm flood of +joy shot through him, and suddenly he was seized by an irresistible +impulse to kiss his father--which was a most unusual endearment +between them. As he put his hand on the table to get off the chair, +it touched the trough, and once more his mood changed. He seemed to +stiffen, and all he could do was to hold out his hand and +whisper:</p> +<p>"Thank you very much, papa!"</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_IV"></a>IV</h2> +<br> +<p>On Christmas Day morning everybody rose while it was still pitch +dark outside. After a hasty cup of coffee, the parents and Keith +set off for Great Church to attend <i>julotta</i>--yule matins--an +early service held only that one day of the year.</p> +<p>More snow had fallen, and now it was freezing, so that every +step they took produced a peculiar, almost metallic crunching. From +every quarter silent crowds in their holiday best streamed toward +the old church. They seemed very solemn, but Keith sensed the happy +spirit underlying their outward sedateness. It filled him with a +wild desire to romp, and it was merely the awe of his father's +presence that kept him in check.</p> +<p>The church was packed, but they found good seats. Keith had eyes +for one thing only: the Star of Bethlehem that blazed above the +screen of darkly green spruces surrounding the altar. All the rest +of it was lost on him.</p> +<p>Then the organ music burst forth, and for a moment he cowered as +under a blow. It was too much of a novelty, and the vibrations +touched his supersensitive nerves annoyingly. After a while he grew +more accustomed to it, but he did not like it, and he said so +loudly enough to bring him a stern glance from his father and +smiles from some of the people in the pew ahead. During the brief +sermon he slept peacefully.</p> +<p>As soon as they were home again, the fortress was brought out +and preparations made for a great siege. In the midst of it he left +his corner to put a question to the mother, who was dozing over a +book in her easy chair.</p> +<p>"How could papa know that I wanted it," he asked, and she knew +what he was thinking of.</p> +<p>"Don't you remember," she answered smiling slyly, "how you came +home one day last summer and talked about something you had seen in +a window on West Long Street, and papa was listening."</p> +<p>"So long ago," mused Keith, "and I didn't know he heard it."</p> +<p>"Oh, yes, he heard, and he remembered. You don't understand +papa. He doesn't want you to ask for things because he finds it +such a pleasure to figure out what you want and give it to you +unexpectedly."</p> +<p>Keith returned to his corner thinking hard, as was his wont at +times. The siege was postponed. He took out the trough and studied +it carefully. It would make a good boat. Then he put it down and +sat for a while looking at the little fortress--so like the one he +could see when he looked out of their front windows. His heart +swelled, and with a rush that nearly upset his little table, he +made for his father in the parlour, crawled up on his lap, put both +arms about his neck, and kissed him. And to his surprise he was not +repelled. But a moment later his father put him down on the floor +and said in a voice that sounded a little choked:</p> +<p>"Go back and play with your soldiers now."</p> +<p>Then came dinner, always the same on Christmas Day: +<i>smörgasbord</i>; roasted fresh ham with mashed potatoes and +tiny cubes of Swedish turnips fried in butter; rice and milk; cake +and wine.</p> +<p>And the day ended as it had begun, happily and peacefully. Never +had the boy felt more warmly toward his father. But at dinner the +next day, which was also a holiday so that the father was at home, +Keith happened to spill something on the table cloth.</p> +<p>"Remember your Christmas present," said the father sharply. "You +are old enough to behave properly at table, and if you won't, we +shall let you eat in your own corner and eat out of the +trough."</p> +<p>During the rest of that day Keith could not play with his +fortress. Once he took the trough to the window that happened to be +open and contemplated the possibility of dropping it into the lane. +But his courage failed him.</p> +<p>It stayed with him as part of his little stock of toys, and +gradually it came to be viewed with a certain amount of +indifference. But on the rare occasions when he was permitted to +have a playmate at home, he always managed to hide the trough under +his mother's bureau. And even the mere consciousness of its +presence there would sometimes set his cheeks burning.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_V"></a>V</h2> +<br> +<p>It was summer again. The school was closed. Keith's pleas to be +allowed to play with Johan became impassioned. Consequently his +parents were pleased when Aunt Brita asked if Keith could spend a +few weeks with them in a little cottage they had hired on an island +halfway between Stockholm and the open sea.</p> +<p>To Keith this was a tremendous adventure--his first excursion +from home, and almost his first acquaintance with real country +life. In fact, the impressions of the journey itself were so many +and so novel that his mind couldn't retain anything at all. The +same thing happened over and over again during the earlier part of +his life, so that out of that epoch-making summer visit, for +instance, only a single slight incident took up a lasting abode in +his memory.</p> +<p>The cottage stood in the middle of the island, which was so +small that a fifteen-minute walk took them down to the nearest +shore. Thither they went one afternoon not long after his arrival +to bathe--his aunt, his cousin Carl who was a year younger than +himself, Keith, a couple of other children of the same age, and +Mina, an eighteen-year old girl living with Keith's uncle and aunt +in a position halfway between ward and servant. Across the fields +and along shaded wood paths they ran joyously to a sheltered bay +with a sandy beach from which the open fjord could be seen in the +distance. The children stripped helter-skelter and went into the +shallow water as nature had made them, but Mina, who was to assist +them, had for want of bathing suit put on a starched white +petticoat. The upper part of her body was bare, showing two +beautifully pointed breasts.</p> +<p>Keith looked and looked at those breasts until Mina noticed him +and actually began to blush. As if embarrassed, she picked up one +of the other children and began to swing it around in a circle. Her +movement turned Keith's attention to the petticoat, and suddenly he +could think of nothing else.</p> +<p>The children were naked. Why should Mina wear a piece of +clothing that even Keith could see was quite unfitted for such a +use. There must be something to hide. What could it be? At last he +could contain himself no longer, but blurted out:</p> +<p>"Why does Mina wear that silly skirt?"</p> +<p>"Because she is afraid of catching cold," replied his aunt from +the shore with a slight jeer in her voice and one of her shrewd +smiles.</p> +<p>"Why shouldn't we catch cold, too," was his next question.</p> +<p>There was no direct answer, but he could hear his aunt mutter +between her teeth:</p> +<p>"Drat that boy!"</p> +<p>Then she burst into open laughter, while Mina rushed ashore and +hastily began to dress behind a close screen of undergrowth.</p> +<p>After that Mina did not go in bathing with the children.</p> +<p>Many years later Keith could still visualize the whole scene as +if it had happened only a few days ago, while all his efforts to +recall the cottage where they lived, or anything else seen that +summer, were vain.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_VI"></a>VI</h2> +<br> +<p>In the autumn of that year Keith was sent to a "real" school, +selected after much inquiry by his parents as combining a +reasonable degree of efficiency and social standing with an equally +reasonable cost of tuition. It was private like the first one, kept +by two middle-aged spinster sisters, one of whom was tall, angular +and firm, while the other was short, fat and sentimental. It held +about two scores of pupils, most of whom were girls. These girls +ranged in years to the near-marriageable age, while none of the +boys was more than eight years old. Thus the atmosphere was +distinctly feminine, which in the eyes of Keith's mother marked an +added advantage.</p> +<p>The only thing that excited Keith about the new school was that +it took him farther from home than he had ever been allowed to +wander unattended before, into a hitherto unexplored region of the +city known as the South End. It was a poor man's neighbourhood on +the whole, but of that Keith knew nothing at the time. The school +occupied a few large and sunny rooms in the rear part of a +sprawling old stone structure built like a palace around an +enormous cobble-stoned courtyard, with a tall arched gateway +providing entrance from the street under the front part of the +house. For a while it was quite impressive and a little disturbing, +but like everything else it soon became familiar and +commonplace.</p> +<p>To get there from his own part of town, Keith had to cross the +Sluice--a lock enabling vessels to pass safely from Lake Maelaren +to the salt waters of the Bay in spite of the frequently sharp +difference of level. At either end of the lock was a drawbridge in +two sections raised from the centre to let the larger vessels +through. The place was full of interesting sights, and Keith loved +in particular to press right up against the edge of the raised +bridge as some steamer or small sailing vessel glided leisurely in +or out of the ever shifting waters of the lock.</p> +<p>At first it never occurred to him that he might walk around by +the other bridge when the one right in his way happened to be open, +and so he was late at school several times in quick succession. The +first time he was warned. The second he was placed in a corner of +the room with his face to the wall and kept there for about one +quarter of an hour. The third time the elder Miss Ahlberg applied a +ruler to the finger-tips of his left hand, which she held in a firm +grasp within one of her own.</p> +<p>The physical sensation gave the boy a terrible shock. No one had +ever really hurt him before. The spankings administered at home +once in a very great while were like thunderstorms, with a great +deal of noise and small harm done. This was something else, and +more intimidating than the pain was the manifest intention of the +teacher to inflict it. Her face was tense and her eyes flashed +fire. Worst of all, however, was the shame of it, for the +punishment was applied in front of the whole school.</p> +<p>When Keith retired to his own seat sobbing bitterly, he felt +that he could never look the other children in the face, and that +they probably would shun him as a pariah. The only thing would be +to tell his mother that he could not go back to school again. He +was still shaking with sobs, when he heard a boy on the chair +behind him whisper into his ear:</p> +<p>"Oh, that's nothing. You just wait till she pulls your hair. She +pulls it right out by the roots. I'll show you a bare spot on my +head during the next pause."</p> +<p>And so he did when the lesson came to an end and they were +permitted to play for a few minutes. Other children joined them, +and no one seemed to think less of Keith for what had happened to +him. It was a revelation to him and opened vistas of considerable +interest. But the memory of the physical and mental shock received +was more powerful, and after that he took care to reach school in +time regardless of what might be the temptations along his path or +the effort it might cost him to get there.</p> +<p>In fact, the incident became to some extent determining for his +whole career in school. He never voluntarily did anything that +might expose him to punishment, and rarely was he able to forget +himself to the extent of incurring reproof. He turned out a docile +pupil, and on the whole, docility did not come hard to him. In +spite of the vitality with which he overflowed, there was a certain +timidity attaching to him.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_VII"></a>VII</h2> +<br> +<p>It would be wrong to conclude that the little school of the +Misses Ahlberg was characterized by any reign of terror. As a rule, +the atmosphere was peaceful and kindly, and the teaching was rather +good. Keith was eager to learn, and learning came easy to him. In +those early days, of course, there was no studying to be done at +home, but even in later years he never knew what it was to "plug." +In fact, he could not do it. Either his interest was aroused, and +then he absorbed the matter at hand in the way he breathed, without +the least conscious effort; or his interest remained unstirred, in +which case no amount of mechanical application would help. Learning +by rote offered no escape in the latter case, for his memory +operated in the same way as the rest of his mind, sucking up what +fitted it as a blotter sucks the ink, and presenting a surface of +polished marble to any matter not germane according to its own +mysterious standards.</p> +<p>Soon he could read without any effort whatsoever--anything. +Reckoning came easy, too, but writing came hard. It seemed so much +easier to take in than to give out in any form. Grammar gave him no +difficulty, because it dealt with words, and words possessed a +magic charm that always held him. Gradually he began to dip into +history and geography--wonderful realms into which his imagination +plunged headlong. He took almost as eagerly to the old stories out +of the Bible--stories of which he had caught more than a glimpse at +home--but the Catechism was like washing in the morning: it had to +be done because higher powers so decreed.</p> +<p>Yes, he learned a good deal for a little boy of his age, but he +never knew how it happened. The school was never quite real to him. +His home was real, and his play at home. So was his daily walk to +and from school with its innumerable opportunities for observation +in the raw. There were people in the streets, and shops along the +road, and many different kinds of vessels in the harbour. There was +the guardhouse on the little square halfway to school, kept by a +small detachment of soldiers that were relieved every noon and that +never belonged to the same regiment two days in succession. +Watching them gave him many suggestions for handling his own tin +soldiers in a more business-like fashion.</p> +<p>But at school.... He was never absentminded or unattentive, for +that might have brought the quick clutch of the elder Miss +Ahlberg's bony hand into his own supersensitive crop of hair, and +most of what was going on had enough interest in itself to prevent +his mind from straying far afield. He knew the names of his fellow +pupils. He played with those of his own age, and he had likes and +dislikes, as was natural. But through it all he moved as through a +mist, seeing only the thing immediately at hand, and losing sight +of everything the moment he had passed it. The three years spent in +that school seemed to telescope into each other so that soon +afterwards he found himself unable to tell if a thing had happened +during the first or last of those years. Nor did the things he +remembered have any connection with the school as a rule, and out +of all the boys and girls he met there not one remained distinct in +his memory as did the figure of Harald from the first school. When +he left the school to go home for the day, he was done with it, and +nothing followed him but what was stored in his head. And that, +too, seemed forgotten at the time, to be re-discovered later with a +sense of pleasant surprise.</p> +<p>And all that time things were happening to him at home and +elsewhere that, as far as importance went, stood in curious +contrast to his quickly forgotten experiences at school--things +that burnt themselves into his mind as a part of its permanent +contents....</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_VIII"></a>VIII</h2> +<br> +<p>There was not a private bathroom to be found in Stockholm in +those days. One washed hands and face and neck whenever compelled +to, and some people, like Keith's father, splashed the upper part +of their bodies with water every morning regardless of weather and +temperature. Once a week every self-respecting person went to a +public bath for a thorough steaming and scrubbing.</p> +<p>Keith's mother did like the rest, and generally she took the boy +along as he was admitted without extra charge. Then mother and son +would get into a tremendous tub full of hot water--so large and so +full that Keith had to sit up in order to keep his head above +water. He always enjoyed it very much, and especially he enjoyed +feeling his mother's soft body close to his own.</p> +<p>On an occasion of this kind he had already finished his bath and +was sitting on a wooden bench beside the tub wrapped in a big +sheet. The old woman attendant stood ready with a similar sheet for +his mother, who was just stepping out of the tub facing the +boy.</p> +<p>She was still young, and her skin, always beautiful, was aglow +with the heat of the bath and the friction of the scrubbing.</p> +<p>Keith stared open-eyed at her, unconscious of any particular +interest, and yet filled with a vague, slightly disturbing sense of +pleasure.</p> +<p>Then his mother caught his glance. Their eyes met. A slight +flush spread over her face.</p> +<p>Grabbing the sheet from the old woman, she flung it about +herself. As she did so, he heard her say to the attendant:</p> +<p>"That young gentleman will have to bathe with his father +hereafter, I guess."</p> +<p>At first he was conscious of a rebuke, and the cause of it left +him quite at sea. He would probably have puzzled over it a great +deal more than he did, had not his mind become preoccupied with the +idea that he would be allowed to accompany his father to the men's +part of the establishment. It was an idea that filled him with a +sort of shrinking pride.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_IX"></a>IX</h2> +<br> +<p>Among the less intimate friends of his mother was a young widow +with a little girl about a year younger than Keith. For some reason +unknown to the boy, those two came to see his mother several times +that Spring. It was the first time in his life Keith met a girl on +familiar terms.</p> +<p>Clara was slender and elfish, with a wealth of yellow tresses +falling down her back. She was tender and gay, too, and Keith liked +to hear her laugh. When they played, she was always ready to fall +in with any whim of Keith's.</p> +<p>One afternoon, when the days were growing longer, Clara's mother +asked permission to leave her with the Wellanders while she +attended to some business in the neighbourhood. Keith's mother was +occupied in the kitchen in some manner making her wish to have the +door to the living-room closed. Thus the two children were left to +play by themselves.</p> +<p>He never could remember how it began, and he could not tell what +put the idea in his head....</p> +<p>It was a new game, and she played it as readily as any other he +might have proposed. They had crawled so far into his own corner by +the window that they were almost hidden behind mamma's bureau.</p> +<p>At first they whispered to each other, eagerly as children do, +but only with the eagerness they might have shown if playing +hide-and-seek. Then he raised her little dress, and she didn't seem +to mind. He also undid his own dress, and they studied each other's +bodies, noting the differences.</p> +<p>The end of it was that they laid down together on the floor. He +put his mouth to hers and hugged her just as tightly as he could. +When they had been lying in way for a while, he whispered to +her:</p> +<p>"Isn't it nice?"</p> +<p>And she dutifully whispered back: "It is!"</p> +<p>A few minutes later they were playing with his tin soldiers, and +soon after Clara's mother returned to take her away.</p> +<p>During their entire play both doors had remained closed. Keith +was quite sure of that. He had looked before he started the new +game, although he was not aware of trespassing on prohibited +territory.</p> +<p>Afterwards he felt rather uneasy. There was a distinct sense of +risk attaching to that game, and he wondered whether Clara might +tell her mother. At the same time the thought of what he had done +filled him with inexplicable satisfaction, as if, in some way, he +had put something over on the grown-ups.</p> +<p>As for his own mother--she seemed to be watching him with +unusual concern during the next few days, and he could not escape a +suspicion that she knew. Closed doors did not seem to prevent +grown-up people from knowing what children did.</p> +<p>At the same time he wondered why he and Clara should not be +playing as they had done. There was really nothing to it. And the +comparisons they had made took no hold of his imagination. The +differences revealed he accepted as he accepted anything that had +no direct bearing on his own happiness.</p> +<p>As far as he could recall afterwards, he never saw Clara again. +Nor did he seem to miss her.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_X"></a>X</h2> +<br> +<p>Summer again.</p> +<p>The incident with Clara was forgotten. Yet Keith had a sense of +being watched a little more closely than usual. He was rarely +permitted to go out alone after his return from school. And he was +scolded if he ever was late in coming home.</p> +<p>There was mystery in the air. The parents talked together a good +deal in a way that made Keith understand they were talking about +him and did not want to be overheard.</p> +<p>As soon as school closed the secret became revealed. He would be +sent into the real country for the summer to board with perfect +strangers.</p> +<p>"Any children," was Keith's first question. Yes, a couple of +sons in the house, and probably one or two more boys from the city, +boarders like Keith.</p> +<p>It seemed the thing had been planning for a long time. The +mother said something about the necessity for Keith of going where +everything was clean and wholesome--the air, the food, the people. +The boy knew that she had been worrying about him for some reason +he could not guess.</p> +<p>An advertisement in a newspaper had led his mother on the track +of what she wanted. She read it to him--"a religious family with +children of their own would take a few well-behaved boys of good +family for the summer months and give them a real home and as good +as parental care."</p> +<p>It turned out to be the sexton of a country parish on the +northern shore of Lake Maelaren who had devised this means of eking +out his probably limited professional income. The ensuing +correspondence had proved quite satisfactory. The mother was +evidently pleased. It was almost as good as staying with the pastor +himself, she said.</p> +<p>Keith knew what a pastor was. He had several times heard one +preach from a funny hanging box in Great Church, and he thought of +him as a man who was always dressed in black and who was even more +serious than the father. But it did not bother him, partly because +he realized that, after all, a sexton was not the same as a pastor, +and partly because his mind was full of something else. It was not +the country, although his previous experience of it, when he was +staying with his aunt, had given him a rather favourable +impression. No, what occupied him to the exclusion of everything +else was the thought that he would be able to play with other +children all day long, and that there would be no one to pull him +away just as a game was becoming really interesting.</p> +<p>Exciting days of preparation followed. And finally the day of +departure dawned.</p> +<p>The greater part of the journey was to be made by boat to the +little town of Enköping, where Mr. Swensson, the sexton, would +be waiting with a team. The mother could not go along, and so Keith +was placed in the hands of some people going the same way, who +promised to look after him and see that he did not fall into wrong +hands when the steamer landed.</p> +<p>Keith had to stand in the stern of the boat and wave his +handkerchief as long as his mother remained visible. Then he was +free, at last, to surrender himself to the novelty of his +situation. And as always upon such occasions, when new impressions +came crowding in upon him, the record became too blurred for clear +remembrance. This was true not only of the trip on the steamer, the +arrival at Enköping with its little old-fashioned red houses, +the meeting with Mr. Swanson, the drive of thirty miles or more +inland, the arrival at the sexton's house not far from a white +spired church, and the introduction to a seemingly endless number +of new faces, but of the whole long summer. A couple of months +sufficed to wipe out of his memory everything but a few +comparatively trivial incidents and impressions.</p> +<p>Only one name escaped the general oblivion--that of the sexton +himself. Only one view left a lasting image behind--that of a +tremendously large boulder, a memento of the glacial period, that +rose like a crude monument right in the centre of a tilled field +almost, but not quite out of sight of the house. Only one face +would come back in recognizable shape when he tried to recall that +rather momentous summer--that of a boy a few years older than +himself, who was the leader of all the games played around the big +rock in the open field.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XI"></a>XI</h2> +<br> +<p>Quite a gang of boys gathered daily about the big rock, +generally on the farther side of it where they could not be seen +from the house. Beyond the rock in that direction was nothing but +an open field, and then the woods, rarely disturbed by a visitor. +Thus they were really more safe than indoors as no one could +approach them without being detected while still far away.</p> +<p>The two sons of the sexton were there, and a couple of boys from +the city besides Keith, and three or four sons of neighbouring +farmers. They ranged in ages from eight to eleven or twelve. Keith +was the baby, but this was never held up against him. He was +commonly treated as an equal, which raised his self-confidence +tremendously, but it had also a somewhat embarrassing effect when +the others seemed to take for granted that he knew as much as they +concerning the matters that most occupied their minds--to judge by +their talk at least.</p> +<p>The oldest of the lot, and their undisputed leader, was a +peasant boy of remarkable ugliness, squint-eyed and snub-nosed, +with tufts of yellow hair always falling over his face and several +teeth missing. His clothes were in rags and he never wore shoes. He +boasted of never washing unless "the old one" stood over him with a +stick, and his language was worse than both his manners and his +looks. An unbroken stream of profanity and obscenity poured from +his rarely silent mouth, and he heaped withering scorn on any +attempt at decent speech.</p> +<p>Keith had now and then picked up questionable words while +playing in the lane where he lived. Johan sported some of them in +moments of furious rebellion against his mother's "holiness," as he +called it. Once or twice Keith had repeated such words at home and +suffered for it. Soon he learned to know the type at first hearing, +and he disliked this part of the vocabulary even when he could use +it without danger to himself. He developed a greater daintiness in +words than in anything else, but this summer formed an exception. +The force of suggestion brought to bear on him was too +overwhelming, and he strove boldly to vie with the rest in foulness +of tongue and thought. As soon as he was back in the city, this +habit dropped off him as the soap lather is washed off a bather +when he dives into the clear waters of a lake. But the game he had +learned to play back of the big rock could not be unlearned in the +same way.</p> +<p>This game was in itself a revelation to Keith. He was not +shocked or startled, because he had no standards in the matter, but +at first he experienced a distinct revulsion. This wore off +quickly, however, and soon he accepted what he saw as a natural +thing. The boy whose face stuck in Keith's mind with such strange +persistency set the pace, and everybody seemed to hold him a hero +on that account. Even the other city boys surrendered after a brief +resistance and tried humbly to emulate the acknowledged leader.</p> +<p>Everything took place openly in the most brazen fashion, as if +they had been playing leap-frog or hide-and-seek. Every one boasted +of his own achievements and tried to outdo the rest in unashamed +performance. Yet it was not so much a question of companionship in +indulgence as of sportsmanlike competition. Pleasure had little to +do with it. What they did, and still more what they pretended to +have done, was an assertion and a proof of manliness, and so was +the language they used among themselves. If they hid from the older +people, that was not because they regarded themselves as engaged in +any sinful pursuits, but because the grown-ups to them appeared +jealous of all childish pleasures, and particularly jealous of the +pleasures most treasured by themselves.</p> +<p>Outwardly Keith played the part of an interested but passive +observer. When taunted for his timidity, or as being a mere infant, +he parried by using a number of nasty words, some of which he did +not know the meaning of. When by himself, he soon found that he +could play the game as well as the rest, and it increased his sense +of self-importance very much, but of this he said nothing to any +one. Something within his own nature protested against the +flaunting of such an act, though the act itself carried no offence +to his childish mind. The inner protest was not strong enough to +break into words or to make the companionship of the other boys +seem repulsive to him. Nor was it concerned with anything Keith did +by himself.</p> +<p>The summer went very fast. Keith was sorry when told that it was +time for him to go home. He would come back, of course, but his +regrets were only momentary. No sooner was he started than the idea +of seeing his mother, Granny, and his tin soldiers again, put +everything else out of his mind.</p> +<p>His mother was overjoyed to see him and revelled in his healthy +looks. She made him tell her at great length, over and over again, +about everything he had seen and done, about the place and the +people, about the food and the games he had played. Keith talked +and talked, eagerly and freely, but of the game played behind the +big rock he never said a word.</p> +<p>He was then not quite seven years old.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XII"></a>XII</h2> +<br> +<p>That autumn and winter he was permitted to play a good deal with +Johan, and always in Johan's home. His mother had a bad spell of +depression, and while it made her fret and worry more than ever +about Keith, as well as about everything else, she was either too +weak to resist his pleas, or she felt his absence as a relief.</p> +<p>To his intense surprise, Keith found that Johan already knew all +about the new game, and that he was quite willing to play it. And +for a couple of years it became an important part of what they had +in common. Chances were not lacking, for Johan's mother was too +wrapt up in her postils and religious speculations to watch them +closely, and there was always the outhouse to which they could +retire for privacy.</p> +<p>Their relationship was a peculiar one. Although the younger by a +few months and the smaller by several inches, Keith was the leader +and the aggressor. Johan remained passive--too passive, Keith often +thought.</p> +<p>There was nothing of love in Keith's feelings toward Johan, +nothing emotional. The tenderness that was such a marked feature of +his character did not come into play at all. In fact, he rather +looked down on Johan, who frequently annoyed him by his dullness +and his lack of personal neatness. The truth of it was that he +played with Johan merely because he was the only other boy in +sight, and in so far as that particular game was concerned, Johan +was simply an accessory to it in same way as his tin soldiers and +his toy fort.</p> +<p>In playing it, Keith had always a sense of seeking something +else, but he had not the slightest idea of what this something +might be. It must have some relation to girls, he felt vaguely, but +beyond that vague feeling he could not get. Clara remained +forgotten.</p> +<p>Gradually Johan became more and more indifferent and reluctant +as far as that game was concerned. Dull as he was, he seemed to +have some sort of scruples that Keith couldn't understand. More and +more Keith was thrown back on himself. Once more a new set of +interests began to take the lion's share of his attention, although +the game learned behind the big rock would reassert its puzzling +fascination from time to time.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XIII"></a>XIII</h2> +<br> +<p>His eagerness to read and his lack of reading matter had for +some time presented a growing problem. The books of his father--and +there were quite a number of them--were taboo for a double reason: +first, because they were not held safe for him to read, and, +secondly, because his father regarded them as his particularly +private property that must not be touched by any one else.</p> +<p>So he fell back on the old Bible and chance pickings. The +stirring and bloodcurdling stories in the Books of the Maccabees +were his favourites. He read them over and over, and he tried to +dramatize that unbroken record of battles with the help of his tin +soldiers. But the reason he could return to those stories so often +was that he began studying them while reading was still a partly +mastered art, and half the time he was more interested in the game +of reading, so to speak, than in what he read.</p> +<p>A year in the new school had made a great change. He read +anything with ease, and while he read rather slowly without ever +skipping, his mind took in what he read quickly and thoroughly so +that going back over a thing once perused became less and less +attractive. He wanted new material for his mind, and he wanted it +in steadily increasing quantities.</p> +<p>One day he made a great discovery. Books could be borrowed from +other people. One of his schoolmates came to school with a +wonderful illustrated copy of "Don Quixote" arranged for children. +Keith went into ecstasies over it. The mail-clad figure of the +Knight of the Rueful Countenance on the front cover was to him the +beckoning guardian of a world of wonders, the very existence of +which he had never before suspected. Tears came into his eyes at +last as he stared hopelessly at the object of his newly born +desire. As a rule he blurted out any wish he might have, but the +thing was clearly too precious to ask as a gift or acquire by +bartering, and he had never heard of any other way of getting +it.</p> +<p>"Mercy," cried the other boy after having watched him for a +while. "You can take it home and read it, if you only promise to +bring it back."</p> +<p>For a moment Keith was too overcome to speak. Then he became +hysterical with joy. The rest of the school day passed in a trance. +He ran a good part of the way home. Arrived there, he almost forgot +to give his mother and Granny the inevitable kiss of greeting. And +he might even have refused to be bothered by such a thing but for +his fear of being put under some discipline that might prevent him +from plunging straightway into the unexplored country of +make-believe.</p> +<p>On seeing the book, his mother hesitated for a moment, but soon +she was delighted with the results it produced. Keith had no +thought of asking leave to see Johan that day. He was lost to the +world around him. Not a sound was heard from him. There was no +nervous running about in futile search for "something to do." The +home was as quiet as if he had been away, and yet there he was, +safely ensconced in his own corner, where his mother could watch +him all the time.</p> +<p>Everybody was happy until the father returned home and heard of +what had happened. Having looked the book over for a moment, while +the boy watched him with a shrinking heart, he said at last:</p> +<p>"You must return it tomorrow, and I don't want you to borrow any +more books. You may spoil it in some way, and then you will have to +pay for it, and where are you to get the money?"</p> +<p>Keith tried hard not to cry, but the blow was too overwhelming. +He was driven out of his new paradise after a tantalizing glimpse +at it. And he could not understand why. So his tears must needs +flow freely and his throat contracted convulsively with half-choked +sobs, and the final result of it was that he was ordered to bed at +once. That ended his last chance of abstracting a few more thrills +from the borrowed treasure.</p> +<p>Of course, the book was returned the next day. Keith had not yet +arrived at the point where the evasion of a parental decree seemed +conceivable. And to the sorrow of missing the promised enjoyment +was added the humiliation of confessing what had happened at home. +To lie about it was another thing that never occurred to him, and +to act without explanation was quite foreign to his nature.</p> +<p>A few sad days followed. Then his life resumed its customary +tone, and it was as if the lank, but to him far from ludicrous, +shape of Don Quixote had never crossed his horizon. And soon after +Christmas recurred once more.</p> +<p>Among the many packages falling to his share, there were two of +a shape that suggested the possibility of more tin soldiers. But +when he held them in his hand, they failed to yield to pressure as +would a cardboard box. Curiosity turned into genuine suspense. And +when at last two books lay in front of him as his own, with the +implied permission that he could read them to his heart's content +whenever he chose, a pang of something like real love for his +father shot through his heart.</p> +<p>Those two little volumes became at once his most priceless +possession and the foundation of his first library. To others they +might appear quite commonplace books, without much value from any +point of view. To him they were passports to a realm of action and +freedom and colour, where he could roam at will in search of +everything he missed in real life. One was bound in white with the +picture of an African lion hunt on the front cover. The other one +had a plain brown binding. Both had coloured illustrations and +contained stories of hunting and travelling adventures in all sorts +of out-of-the-way places. There were tales of lion hunting with +Arabs and tiger hunting in the jungles of India, of whaling in the +Arctic and hair-breadth escapes from giant snakes in South America, +of cruises in southern seas and caravaning across the high plateaus +of Central Asia.</p> +<p>One story in particular stuck in his mind, and more particularly +one little detail out of that story. It was one of comparative +repose and few sensational incidents relating the perfectly +peaceful, but nevertheless strange and interesting experiences of a +European traveller through some desert region back of the Caspian +Sea. Arriving at a nomad camp far away from all civilization, this +traveller was met with touching hospitality. During a formal visit +to the chieftain of the tribe, he was offered tea. With the tea was +handed him a bowl containing a single lump of sugar. In European +fashion he picked up this and dropped it into his cup. Not a word +was said, but something told him that he had committed some +dreadful mistake. By and by, as he watched the others, he +understood. Sugar was so rare that to use it in ordinary fashion +was out of question, and so the solitary lump served was meant to +be licked in turn by each, and he, as the guest of honour, had been +given the first chance. To Keith's mind that story seemed as +clearly realized as if he had played a part in it himself. And what +occupied him more than anything else was the pitiful existence of +those poor nomads to whom even such a common thing as sugar was an +almost unattainable luxury. It was his first lesson in human +sympathy, and it was typical of his own existence and bent that it +should have come out of a book.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XIV"></a>XIV</h2> +<br> +<p>From that day one of his main objects in life was to acquire +books. He had little pride as a rule, in spite of all his +sensitiveness, and when books were concerned he had none at all. +Having discovered that a friend of the family, who until then had +been regarded with supreme indifference, held some sort of clerical +position in a publishing house, his devotion to Uncle Lander +suddenly became effusive and he begged so shamelessly and so +successfully that at last his father had to intercede. Out of a +half-hour sermon on things that must not be done, Keith grasped +only that, as usual, he could not do what he wanted. Money was +still a mystery to him, and he never suspected that Uncle Lander +would have to pay his employers for every book taken out of the +stock.</p> +<p>The sole check to his passion sprang logically from the very +fervor of that passion: a book being such a precious object to +himself, he could not dream of taking it away from somebody else. +As in a flash the true spirit of his father's objection to borrowed +books was revealed to him. That objection became his own and stuck +to him through life: if he liked a borrowed book, the inescapable +duty of returning it was too painful to be faced, and if he didn't +like it, there was no reason for borrowing it. Books became sacred +things to him, to be cherished and protected as nothing else. The +loss of one was a catastrophe.</p> +<p>Soon he had a small library of his own, kept on a shelf in the +huge wardrobe that stood in the vestibule leading to the parlour. +Made up at first of odds and ends bearing no real relation to his +desire for reading matter, it gradually acquired a certain +homogeneity reflecting the boy's state of mind. Books of travel and +adventure continued to prevail for a long while. Equally favoured +were stories dealing with Norse Mythology and the heroic legends of +his race. The grim record of the Niebelungs was familiar to him at +the age of eight, and the first heroes of his worship were young +Siegfried of divine aspect and Dietrich of Bern, who seemed to the +boy the final embodiment of worldly wisdom. To these should be +added Garibaldi, of whose South American campaigns, so touchingly +shared by the faithful Anita, he read graphic accounts in an odd +volume of an illustrated weekly. The word liberty first came to him +from the lips of the picturesque Italian, while Anita and the women +of the old Germanic sagas struck him by their contrast to his +mother.</p> +<p>In the main, all his reading made for escape and compensation. +He read to get away from his own surroundings, and he revelled in +characters of fiction and legend and history that possessed +qualities lacking in himself. By nature he was a queer mixture of +rashness and timidity, but through his mother's anxiety on his +behalf the latter quality was constantly being nursed at the +expense of all tendency to action. And so, in order to keep the +balance, he revelled in the imaginary or real deeds of men whose +very life-breath was danger. The more the books gave him of what he +craved, the less he thought of looking for it in life.</p> +<p>Consequently his new passion seemed a godsend to his mother, who +encouraged him in every possible way. It brought a solution of many +difficulties and worries by keeping him at home and quiet. The only +resistance came, as usual, from the father, who repeatedly +counselled moderation and often made the boy drop his book and turn +to something else--which seemed to Keith the worst of all the +tyrannies to which he found himself exposed. But most of the time +the father was powerless because of his absence from home, and soon +Keith learned that his reading formed the only exception to his +mother's general refusal to permit any circumvention of his +father's explicit command.</p> +<p>It also became plain to Keith that the mother favoured his love +for the books not only as a means of relief to herself. Evidently +she held it admirable in itself and a promise bearing in some +mysterious manner on his future. His mother's approval flattered +him, but otherwise her attitude was a riddle which he did not care +to solve as long as it brought him permission to explore at will +this newly discovered world of perfectly safe enjoyment. In the +end, however, that strange reverence shown by his mother combined +with his own increasing ability to live the cherished life of his +dreams at second hand into an influence that more or less warped +his entire outlook on life. It robbed to some extent of his sense +of proportion.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XV"></a>XV</h2> +<br> +<p>His father noticed his timidity and seemed to view it with a +sense of humiliation. Once, in the presence of company, he +threatened to put him into skirts "like any other girl." Keith had +played too little with other children to have acquired the usual +male consciousness of superiority, but his father's words cut him +to the quick nevertheless, because he knew them to be meant for an +insult. He resolved then and there to show his mettle in some +striking way, and promptly be began to dream of such ways, but +chance being utterly lacking for even a normal display of boyish +daring, it merely served to plunge him more deeply into the sham +life of his books.</p> +<p>Yet he was not without courage, and it was not physical pain, or +the fear of it, that brought the tears so quickly into flowing. +Once, when returning home with an uncovered bowl full of molasses +from the grocery, he stumbled at the foot of the stairs and fell so +his forehead struck the edge of the lowest step and his scalp was +cut open to the width of nearly an inch. The blood blinded him so +that he could barely make his way upstairs. When he reached the +kitchen at last, his mother was scared almost out of her wits, and +her fright was augmented by the manner in which he sobbed as if his +heart were breaking. When at last the flow of blood was partly +stenched and his crying still continued, his mother tried to tell +him that there was no cause to be scared.</p> +<p>"I am not scared," he sputtered to her surprise. "I didn't know +I was hurt, but ... but ... I spilled all the molasses."</p> +<p>That night his father gave him a shining new silver coin without +telling him why, and the boy couldn't guess it at the time, though +later he learned the reason from his mother.</p> +<p>A favourite method employed by the father to test and to develop +his courage was to send him alone after dark on some errand into +the cellar or up into the attic, and the boy went without protest, +no matter how much he might dread the task at heart. Even the +servant girls felt reluctant about visiting the cellar at night, +and the occasional discovery of a drunken man asleep in front of +the cellar door made the danger far from imaginary.</p> +<p>Going down to the cellar, Keith was permitted to bring a candle +along, but the danger of fire made this out of the question when +the attic was his goal. One night on his way up there, he +discovered a white, fluttering shape by the square opening in the +outer wall. He stopped on the spot, and his heart almost stopped, +too--but only for a moment. Driven by some necessity he could not +explain to himself, he picked himself together and pushed on, only +to find that the intimidating spectre consisted of some white +clothing hung for drying on the iron rod of the shutter and kept +moving by a high wind. It was a lesson that went right home and +stuck.</p> +<p>During that one moment of hesitation, the idea of a ghost tried +to take form in his more or less paralysed consciousness. He had +read of ghosts, and overheard stories told by the servant girls in +apparent good faith, and that whitish, almost luminous thing in +front of him, stirring restlessly with a faint hissing sound, +looked and acted the part of a ghost to perfection. But the idea +was rejected before it had taken clear shape and without any +reasoning, instinctively, automatically. His father always became +scornful at the mere mention of ghosts, and that settled it.</p> +<p>When it was all over, and he was safe within the kitchen door +once more, he told no one what had happened. He thought that, in +spite of his initial scare, he had acted decidedly well, and he was +eager for approval, but he was kept from telling by an uneasy +feeling that his father would laugh at him if he did.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XVI"></a>XVI</h2> +<br> +<p>The boy's timidity took quite different forms. One day the whole +family was astir. His parents had in some way obtained tickets to +that evening's performance at the Royal Opera. As the custom of the +place was to permit the holders of two adjoining seats to bring in +a child with them, it was decided after much discussion that Keith +might go along. His mother tried to explain the nature and purpose +of a theatrical performance, but what she said made no impression +on the boy, who was more excited by the thought of accompanying his +parents than by what he might hear or see.</p> +<p>Their seats were in a box in the third tier. It was like being +suspended halfway between the top and the bottom of a gigantic +well. The depth of that well affected the boy unpleasantly, while +the strong light and the hum of talk confused him. He clung closely +to his mother with averted face. Suddenly the light went out, and +he heard his mother whisper:</p> +<p>"Look now!"</p> +<p>Glancing up, he found that a new room full of people had +appeared where before was nothing but a flat wall.</p> +<p>"What became of the wall, mamma," he asked aloud. She hushed him +with a smile, and he heard some one in another box titter.</p> +<p>"Now keep very quiet and try to follow what happens on the +stage," his mother admonished in another whisper.</p> +<p>They were giving Auber's "Crown Diamonds." The rich dresses +appealed somewhat to him, but not strongly. The music made no +impression on him whatsoever. The general effect on his mind was +one of bewilderment, that soon lapsed into bored indifference. Then +he discovered that most of the men on the stage were armed, and +that some of them acted as if they might put their weapons into use +at any moment. And he, the ardent participant in all the bloody +deeds of Siegfried and Dietrich and Kriemhild, he, the passionate +hunter of big game on five continents, became so nervous that +nothing but fear of his father kept him from burying his head in +his mother's lap in order not to see any more. When, at last, a +shot rang out on the stage, even that fear could no longer restrain +him, and there was nothing for his mother to do but to escort him +out of the box into the corridor. There, under the care of a +friendly doorkeeper who treated him to candy out of a paper bag, he +stayed in perfect contentment until his parents were ready to go +home.</p> +<p>"Oh, we must go again, Carl," he heard his mother cry in a tone +of high exultation.</p> +<p>"All right, you go," said the father with a yawn, Keith and I +don't care--do we, Keith?"</p> +<p>"No," Keith replied mechanically, but even as he spoke he became +conscious of a desire to share his mother's enthusiasm rather than +his father's indifference. If they would only promise not to shoot! +...</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XVII"></a>XVII</h2> +<br> +<p>Three years he remained in the school of the Misses Ahlberg. +Three times fall and winter and spring were followed by that +painfully delicious period of almost unbroken daylight, when the +very books seemed to lose some of their magic, when even the air of +the old lane became fraught with some mystic urge, and when life +within stone walls turned into an unbearable burden.</p> +<p>He rose by degrees from mere spelling to the study of a foreign +language, German. He learned his Catechism by heart--or rather by +rote, for the time-worn phrases dropped from his lips at demand +very much as water runs down a mill sluice, without leaving any +trace. In fact, little of what he learned appeared to touch his +real life at all. Nor could he be made to take it very seriously, +although, on the whole, he was counted a good pupil.</p> +<p>He used schoolbooks, of course, but he was rarely caught reading +one of them. His mind seemed to master the offered knowledge by +some mysterious process of absorption of which he himself was never +aware. Study in the sense of close and painful application was +quite foreign to him. Yet he seemed capable of mastering anything +that aroused his interest--or that stirred his vanity, for he loved +to shine. Unfortunately most of his schoolmates were dull plodders +who had not yet reached a stage where plodding counted, and so his +triumphs came easy and there was nothing to spur him into serious +effort.</p> +<p>At the end of the third year he had practically exhausted the +possibilities of the little school in the South End, and it was +understood that he would not return in the fall, when he would be +nine years old. But nothing had been decided about what he was to +do instead.</p> +<p>He had not been unhappy with the Misses Ahlberg and his +leave-taking lacked none of the expected emotional colouring. Yet +he left without a pang, without regrets. It was as if he had passed +through that school in his sleep, waking up only when he reached +home and his books. He had made no friends and formed no ties at +school, and outside of it he had never associated with any of his +schoolmates. Not one of them left a mark on his memory as Harald +had done. In a place full of girls, his little heart never was +betrayed into a single quickened beat of anticipation. Nor did he +make any new connections outside of the school during those years. +One might almost say that he had ceased to realize the existence of +things or persons except in so far as they administered to some +immediate need within himself.</p> +<p>Summer came early that year, and with it came a marked change. +His restlessness grew almost morbid, so that his mother found it +nearly impossible to keep him indoors. He was every minute pleading +for leave to play with Johan, and on several occasions when +permission had been granted, he and Johan left the quiet lane to +play with strange boys on the Quay. It drove his mother almost to +despair, and she tried one thing after another to keep him at +home.</p> +<p>She was doing some embroidery at that particular time and the +work seemed to interest the boy a great deal. Sometimes, when he +had given up all hope of getting out, he could stand for many +minutes at a time watching the needle with its tail of brightly +coloured yarn pass in and out through the wide meshes of the +fabric. Finally his mother suggested that he try his hand at it, +and he grabbed eagerly at that chance of diversion. For about three +days he was as devoted to his needle as any girl. By that time he +had filled a small square with a sort of design of his own, and +when his father returned home in the evening of the third day, +Keith displayed his achievement with considerable pride.</p> +<p>"Fine," remarked the father dryly. "Now we know what to do with +him if Uncle Granstedt does not think good him enough for a +carpenter. We'll apprentice him to a tailor. He'll make a good one, +I am sure, as it takes nine tailors to make a man, he need not have +as much courage as a woman even."</p> +<p>That disposed of the embroidery once for all, but it seemed also +to bring matters to a head. As soon as the father was done with his +meal, the mother made him accompany her into the parlour, and there +they stayed an endless time. When they returned to the living-room, +Keith could see that his mother had been crying, but she was +smiling brightly at that moment, and her voice had a ring of +triumph when she said:</p> +<p>"Papa has something to tell you, Keith."</p> +<p>"Yes," the father drawled. "Your mother, as usual, has persuaded +me to do what I doubt is right. Because she has pleaded for you, +I'll let you enter the public school in the fall. That will cost +money, and I am not sure it is good for a poor man's son like you, +but we'll see. It means that you will have to do some studying at +last, for if you don't--well, then you'll have to learn a +trade."</p> +<p>As always on such occasions, Keith took his cue from the mother, +and her mien told him that he ought to be pleased. It was a new +departure anyhow, and it implied evidently an advance that would +administer to his rather undernourished sense of self-importance. +For anything doing so he had a passionate craving, and so he was +ready to rejoice.</p> +<p>The new school was still far off, however, and in the meantime +there was close at hand a problem that piqued him annoyingly. Had +his father really meant to make a carpenter or a tailor of him if +his mother had not interceded, or was the talk about it merely an +expression of the father's peculiar unwillingness to admit any sort +of tender feeling toward the son?</p> +<p>That was not the way Keith put it, in so far as he attempted any +formulation at all, but it was in substance what his momentary +speculations amounted to, and the solution of the problem lay quite +beyond him. He never could make out just what his father meant or +thought or felt in regard to himself.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XVIII"></a>XVIII</h2> +<br> +<p>Then several developments followed each other in quick +succession. First of all his father bought him a season ticket at +the public baths in the North River and made him join a class of +small boys for instruction in the manly art of swimming. The world +was opening up, Keith felt, and his father was lured to the verge +of openly expressed satisfaction at finding that the boy's timidity +did not extend to cold water.</p> +<p>No sooner, however, had he mastered the mechanics of the thing +sufficiently to graduate from the board-walk onto a cork pillow in +the water, than he had to quit because the whole family was "going +into the country" for the summer. To Keith this meant a chance of +playing with other children without having to ask permission every +time and rarely getting it. To his mother it meant a distinct +social advance, as no family staying in town all summer could be +held really respectable.</p> +<p>The "country" was located on one of the numerous islands forming +the outskirts of the city and could be reached by the father after +he finished work by a fifteen-minute ride on one of the innumerable +little steamboats running back and forth like so many busy shuttles +across every sheet of water in the vicinity of Stockholm. Even then +it was a suburb, but the houses were called villas, and there were +plenty of trees between the buildings, and the roads meandering +whimsically among miniature lawns and gardens had no pavements, and +the lake came right up to the door.</p> +<p>There the father had rented a single room from some +acquaintances who made their home on the island all the year round. +The man was a German who had recently returned to Sweden after +serving as a noncommissioned officer in the Franco-Prussian war--a +stocky Bavarian with a tremendous black beard, a fondness for +top-boots and long-stemmed pipes, and a startling tendency to shout +every communication in the form of a command. He was a good-natured +soul nevertheless, in spite of his appearance, his occasional +bursts of temper, and his exaggerated regard for discipline, and he +was full of stories about real fighting that differed puzzlingly +from what Keith had read about such matters. Uncle Laube had a pet +phrase that stuck in the boy's mind and exercised a corroding +influence on some of his most cherished sentiments:</p> +<p>"A man must be able to fight, but it is black hell when he has +to."</p> +<p>There were three children in the family--a boy two or three +years older than Keith, a girl of his own age and a baby sister. +The boy was named Adolph and the elder girl Marie. All three of +them, but especially the boy, were being brought up in strict +Teutonic fashion, which made a sort of super-religion out of +obedience. At the mere sound of his father's voice, Adolph trembled +and stiffened up like a recruit under training. Once the two boys +and Marie strayed beyond bounds to a place where some timber rafts +were tied up along the shore. Adolph led the way onto the rafts and +the two others followed. It was great fun jumping from log to log +where two rafts met, until Marie suddenly slipped into the water +and began to sink like a stone. Quick as a flash Adolph dropped on +his knees on a log that was partly under water, grabbed the girl by +her hair and pulled her out. On their return home, Adolph was +licked until he could not stand on his feet for leading the smaller +children into mischief. Then he got a crown for the pluck shown in +saving his sister's life.</p> +<p>This even balancing of justice made a deep impression on Keith. +He thought and thought of it, and his reason, which already was +very active, appreciated the logic of such a dispensation, but his +heart rebelled strangely and turned for a while to his own father +as a paragon of mildness, while the black-bearded Uncle Laube +became an object of repulsion bordering on hatred. Fortunately the +disciplinarian was away most of the day and Keith was running wild +around the island. This was not possible without some protests from +his mother, who regarded all water outside of a tub with deep +distrust. He nevertheless maintained an unusual degree of +independence until one day, while playing in one of the rowboats +lying outside a small pier near their house, he, too, fell in and +was pulled out by Adolph.</p> +<p>The children were alone at the time. Keith had no consciousness +of having been in danger, but he was in a funk because of his wet +clothing. Instead of going home at once, he ran to an open spot at +the other end of the island and played in the sun to get dry. After +a while his mother appeared, disturbed by his long absence. There +was nothing to do but to respond to her call, although he did so +most reluctantly, his clothing still being damp. His slow movements +aroused her suspicion, and in another moment the awful truth was +out.</p> +<p>"You might have drowned," his mother cried, too frightened to +scold. "Or you might have caught cold and died of that. Perhaps ... +you had better come home at once."</p> +<p>"No," protested Keith. "Adolph was there, and it hasn't been +cold at all."</p> +<p>"But think, Keith," his mother remonstrated, her eyes dim with +tears, "you wouldn't care to die and leave me?"</p> +<p>"I don't want to leave you," the boy said, "and I was not going +to."</p> +<p>She took his head between her two hands and looked long into his +eyes before she asked at last:</p> +<p>"Are you not scared of death?"</p> +<p>"I don't know," he stammered, wincing slightly under her stare. +He could not grasp what she was driving at. Death carried no clear +meaning to him. It had never touched his real inner life, and he +never thought of it. No matter how frightened he became, it never +occurred to him that he might cease to exist. Even his dreams had +no colouring of that kind.</p> +<p>In spite of his mother's anxiety, he learned to swim that +summer. He liked it and did it rather well for his age. But he +never ventured very far out. Rebel as he might against the check on +his movements, his mother's attitude had left a lasting mark on +him, and avoiding needless risks seemed a natural thing to him. As +a result of this inhibition, all his outdoor playing lacked that +complete abandon which is the soul of it. He been made an indoor +child beyond retrieve.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XIX"></a>XIX</h2> +<br> +<p>Being so much in the open air and moving about as a child +should, his nights during that summer passed mostly without dreams +of any kind, and also without other disturbances worth speaking of. +He was too healthily tired for anything but sleep.</p> +<p>The winter nights, following days spent largely indoors with +little company and less exercise, were quite different. Then the +passing from wakefulness to sleep took him through a dangerous +twilight period, when games of the kind learned behind the big rock +seemed not only natural, but the most enticing thing in the world. +And the more he was thrown back on his own resources, the more +tempting those games became. They represented, besides, something +that was entirely his own, with which no one else could interfere. +It was a secret that would have been the sweeter for being shared +with some one else, he felt, but Johan's peculiar attitude in this +matter had filled him with a shyness not his own by nature.</p> +<p>Then, with the sleep, came also the dreams. At first they were, +or seemed to be, mere plays of fancy--shadowy repetitions of +daylight experiences in clownish distortion. Then they began to +change. An element of unrest, and finally of dread, began to fill +them. This did not happen, however, until the same elements had +found a place in his waking life, and particularly not until the +hours of that twilight period had developed into a source of +increasingly acute conflict.</p> +<p>Nothing palpable had happened. Nothing had been said openly to +convince him that his secret was known and that it was evil. Yet +the air about him seemed full of suspicion and suspense and menace. +The mere way in which his mother looked at him at times filled his +soul with sinister misgivings. And she was always talking about +temptations and dangers that walk in the dark. Or else she dropped +mysterious warnings about the duty of keeping one's soul and body +clean and pure.</p> +<p>It was all very disturbing, and he should have liked to ask +questions, but always some imperious force within himself kept him +back. He felt that his sweet secret would never bear open +discussion, but the more desperately he clung to it, the more his +mind was poisoned with doubts out of which soon grew fears.</p> +<p>Thus began the new dream life.</p> +<p>He was as a rule the only living being in those dreams. +Everything else consisted of lifeless things, and mostly of spaces +and dimensions rather than of objects. The dominant characteristic +was an increase of size proportional to the increase of distance +from himself. He found himself, for instance, in the midst of a +vast space laid out in squares. Where he stood at the centre, those +squares were just large enough to hold him. Then, as his glance +passed outward, the squares became larger and larger, until at last +their dimensions became gigantic. Soon they began to move toward +him, growing smaller as they approached, and yet filling his soul +with a horror based entirely on the monstrous size of those squares +that were still miles away. Or he walked down a corridor built of +stones that, as it opened out in front of him, expanded +indefinitely until it assumed proportions that filled him with a +sickening sense of his own smallness. As he moved forward, the +corridor automatically contracted, but always the horror of those +immeasurable vastnesses still ahead of him continued dominant and +inevitable. At other times sums of figures came moving toward him +from every direction, and the farther away from him they were, the +more enormous they grew, until his mind no longer could take them +in, and his heart quaked at the thought that sooner or later one of +them would reach him in its original awe-inspiring immensity.</p> +<p>He tried once to tell his mother about those dreams, but found +it impossible to express what he wished to describe. Not long +afterwards he was aroused in the middle of the night by his mother +calling him by name. Her voice betrayed worry.</p> +<p>"What's the matter, Keith," she asked when at last he woke up +sufficiently to answer her call. "Were you dreaming?"</p> +<p>"I don't know," replied the boy, and at that moment he didn't +know.</p> +<p>"I thought first you were crying," explained the mother, "and +then I heard that you were counting something."</p> +<p>"He was probably repeating his multiplication table," muttered +the father. "I wish he would learn his lessons in the daytime, so +that we could sleep in peace at night."</p> +<p>The next morning Keith had forgotten all about it but his mother +reminded him of what had happened during the night in order to find +out whether he had any bad dreams. Keith shook his head. Then a +thought flashed through his mind.</p> +<p>"Do I often talk in my sleep," he asked.</p> +<p>"Hardly ever," said his mother. "But the other night you read +the Lord's Prayer from beginning to end, and I wish you would read +it as nicely when are saying your prayers before going to +sleep."</p> +<p>"He is studying too much," Granny put in from the kitchen. "His +nose is always buried in a book. That's the whole trouble, I tell +you."</p> +<p>"No, mamma, I don't think reading does him any harm," said +Keith's mother, and for some reason Keith felt relieved by the +diversion.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="II_XX"></a>XX</h2> +<br> +<p>Even Keith could not escape a feeling about this time of having +arrived at some sort of station or landmark on his road through +life.</p> +<p>He was frightfully self-centred. He seemed to be thinking about +nothing but himself. In reality, however, he was not reflecting at +all on the character and probable course of his life. It was all a +matter of feeling and what concerned him was merely the comforts or +discomforts, pleasures or pains, exhilarations or boredoms of the +passing moment. The future was a word that, at the most, implied +things that might happen a few days after tomorrow. The convinced +visioning of events a year or more distant was still utterly beyond +him. And the past seemed to vanish with the setting sun of the day +just ended.</p> +<p>Yet he was dimly aware of facing a transition that, somehow, +must make a great change in his entire life. Something that he +could not define was drawing to an end, and something else, equally +indefinable, was about to begin. The "school for small children" +which he had left, and the "school for boys" into which he would +soon enter, were the symbols used by his mind to express the +passing out of one phase of life into another, but as such they +suggested the actual change without revealing it. And there were +moments when Keith's vague efforts to look ahead were accompanied +by a sense of crushing dread, while at other times they might fill +him with a never before tasted fervor of existence.</p> +<p>He was near the completion of his ninth year. It seemed quite an +age, but this appearance was contradicted by troublesome facts. He +was very small for his age and hopelessly tied to the apron strings +of his mother in spite of all his father's efforts to pry him +loose. The reason for this failure was that his father lacked the +time or the capacity for winning the boy's whole-hearted attention +and affection.</p> +<p>The one thing the father seemed to care for on his return home +was to be left alone with his own preoccupations, and these did not +include the boy. He could not unbend. He could not subordinate his +own momentary desire or disinclination to an interest essentially +foreign to his own self. In other words, he was just as +self-centred as Keith, and just as unreflecting on the whole. Both +lived completely in the present, and both wished to escape from it. +The only difference between them was that while Keith sought his +escape in space, so to speak, by means of his books, the father's +only road of escape led him into a past of which the boy formed no +part.</p> +<p>Either through some fault of his own nature, or through the +restrictive policy of his parents, Keith at nine had formed no real +attachments outside of his immediate surroundings, and no life of +his own that was not enclosed by the walls of his childhood home. +This state of affairs tended always to throw him back on the mother +as his most satisfactory source of inspiration and the magnetic +pole of his emotional compass. And she on her part left no effort +untried that could help to fasten his affections more closely to +her.</p> +<p>Unconsciously but increasingly she worked to cut the boy off +from all the rest of the world in order that she might have him the +more exclusively to herself. She expressed openly the wish that he +might be a girl, because girls in those days were so much less +likely to escape the parental protection.</p> +<p>The boy was pleased by her attempts at monopolization. There was +something flattering and softly reassuring about her passionate +pleas for the uppermost place in his heart. And yet he rebelled +with increasing violence against the closeness of her clutch on +him. He seemed to choke at times, and a blind hatred rose within +him without ever revealing itself as in any way related to his +mother. One of the dominant emotions of this and the following +period of his life was one of intense impatience that seemed to be +directed toward no particular object. Once in a great while he +turned toward his father with an expectation of relief, but this +expectation was always foiled, and so he was plunged back again and +again into an inner life of his own that fed almost exclusively on +books and had little or nothing in common with the reality to which +the new school was supposed to form a gateway.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h1><a name="PART_III"></a>PART III</h1> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_I"></a>I</h2> +<br> +<p>The new school was located in another part of the South End, +separated only by the churchyard from the old church of St. Mary +Magdalene. It was a state institution demanding an entrance fee, +which, although quite reasonable, yet sufficed to keep out the +children of mere wage earners. It was a school for the offspring of +the "better classes" and good enough for all but the most select +who must needs turn to certain private institutions of still +greater exclusiveness for instruction.</p> +<p>Its official title was St. Mary's Elementary School and it had +only five grades or classes, as they were called, being +supplemented by a "gymnasium," from which the pupils passed on to +the university. No boy was admitted under nine, but there seemed to +be no limit at the other end, for at the time of Keith's entrance +the upper grades still held a few youngsters with well developed +moustaches who, from the viewpoint of Keith's own peach-skinned +diminutiveness, looked like veritable patriarchs. Stories were +afloat about their actually being addressed as "mister" by the +teachers.</p> +<p>Admission was conditioned by examinations held in the school +itself, and thither Keith was escorted by his mother one late +August day. All novelties stimulated him, and to his inexperience +the rather dingy old school seemed enormously impressive. The mere +fact that it occupied a whole building all by itself was enough. In +addition, however, it had an assembly hall large enough to hold +several hundred boys, and there were numerous rooms capable of +holding thirty or forty boys. Every pupil had a seat and a small +desk of his own. Seeing these desks, with inkstands sunk into their +tops, and special grooves for the penholders, and lids that could +be raised, Keith knew that he must pass the examinations or die +from a broken heart.</p> +<p>The officiating teachers were stern but not unkind. Keith was +nervous from eagerness, but neither frightened nor embarrassed. The +questions asked were ridiculously easy, he thought. When his turn +came, he answered triumphantly, as if he had been playing a game in +which he was quite skilled. Finding him willing and well prepared, +the examiners felt themselves challenged and pressed him more and +more. Still he held his own. It ended with a sense of triumph on +his part, but nothing was said about his having passed.</p> +<p>The wait that followed until all the boys had been questioned +was the only difficult part of the ordeal. Waiting patiently was +not a strong point with Keith. Finally his mother appeared to take +him home, and the moment he looked at her he knew. She was in such +high spirits that she had to try a joke.</p> +<p>"Too bad you couldn't pass," she said in a voice she vainly +tried to make sad.</p> +<p>He knew it was a joke, and yet his heart leaped into his throat +and his eyes filled with tears. Then she had to console him, and to +do so, she let out the whole story. The teachers had told her that +he knew enough to go right into the third grade, but on account of +his age they had advised her not to let him start above the second +grade. It was a whole year saved, but that was not what she was +thinking of. Her son had distinguished himself by giving proof of a +brightness that had aroused unusual attention among the teachers. +Her pride in this fact was such that Keith really began to think +that a new life was about to begin for him.</p> +<p>And that night, when his father came home, the whole story had +to be told over again with new details, and Keith had the pleasure +of seeing an expression of undisguised satisfaction on his father's +face. It did not last very long, but it was sweet to watch while it +lasted. Then the father resumed his usual manner of stern +indifference as he turned to the boy:</p> +<p>"That's all very well, Keith, but it means also that they will +expect more of you than of the other boys, and so you have to study +harder than ever in order to make good with them."</p> +<p>Keith didn't care. It had been a wonderful day, he felt. He had +had his first taste of public approval, and he had noticed the +effect of it on his father and mother. As for the need of +studying--that was easy. And he didn't have to begin his studies at +once anyhow.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_II"></a>II</h2> +<br> +<p>After the opening of the term, it took Keith only a day or two +to realize that, literally, he had entered a new world, quite +different, in spirit as well as in appearance, from anything +previously experienced.</p> +<p>The first shock came as soon as he had taken his place in the +class and the first lesson had begun. He was no longer Keith. +Christian names were not at all in use. Everybody was addressed by +his family name both by the teachers and by his fellow pupils. +Keith had become Wellander, and the first time he heard himself +called by that name he blushed as deeply as if his most intimate +privacy had suddenly been violated. In a few hours, however, the +unfamiliarity of the name as a standing appellation had worn off, +and then the pride of the thing sent a pleasant glow through his +whole body, making him for a brief, dizzy moment glimpse the glory +of manhood.</p> +<p>His next discovery went far deeper. He had attended school four +years in succession, but only as you drop into a strange room on a +visit. He had never belonged in or to the school, and the school +had neither limited nor extended his individuality. Now he found +himself completely taken possession of and made a part of something +larger than himself, a carefully correlated and guarded system of +ranks and rules and traditions. In retrospect the former school +seemed as accidental and fleeting as a street crowd, while the new +one was an institution with a jealously preserved and deeply +revered history to which each new pupil was expected to add more +lustre. But most remarkable of all seemed the fact that this +collective body added something to the stature of every boy that +became a part of it.</p> +<p>Membership was as onerous as it was honourable, not only within +the school precints but anywhere. To belong to "Old Mary" was to +carry a sacred duty along wherever one went. She was like an +ambitious parent, never jealous of the reputation of her children. +Mostly it was a question of refraining from this or that thing +which less conspicuously placed boys might venture at will, but at +times it might imply the performance of fierce deeds of bravery in +the face of overwhelming odds. There was the rival school of St. +Catherine and several "popular" schools that had no social standing +whatsoever, but contained pupils with harder fists and less +generous ideas of fighting than any boy within Old Mary. When +certain words of derision were flung upon the air by members of +those inferior institutions, there was nothing left for a pupil of +St. Mary's but to fight.</p> +<p>Little by little these strange facts penetrated Keith's +subconsciousness and set up a never ending conflict between pride +and precaution, between his wish to rise to a new ideal and his +instinctive tendency to obey his mother's almost hysterical +injunctions against fighting of any kind. Fortunately his road to +and from school permitted him to follow the principal streets where +the traffic was sufficient to act as a check on combative +youngsters, and an additional protection was derived from his small +size which caused the hostile elements to overlook his existence +unless he appeared in the company of more developed schoolmates. +And as he mostly walked alone, his comings and goings were +uneventful as a rule. But that did not prevent him from imagining +dangers and to suffer from them almost as much as if they had been +real. There were times when he could not help thinking of himself +as a coward.</p> +<p>Such estimates of himself were not wholly checked by an incident +that occurred within the school precincts early in the first term. +There was another boy in the same class named Bauer, who seemed the +living counterpart of Keith--just as undersized and lonely and +nervous. From the first there was a hostile tension between those +two, and soon it came to open war. It broke out in a pause between +two lessons when practically all the boys were gathered in the +schoolyard. Before Keith quite knew what had happened, he found +himself fighting Bauer. First they used their fists and then they +wrestled. The rest of the boys formed a ring about them and egged +them on.</p> +<p>They were well matched in their common weaknesses and both +developed a certain courage during the stress of conflict. The +difference between them was that Bauer apparently wanted to lick +Keith, while the latter thought of nothing but to defend himself. +The idea of inflicting pain on another human being was so foreign +to Keith that it never took tangible form in his mind. The result +was that Bauer's greater aggressiveness carried the day, and soon +Keith found himself prone on his back with a triumphant Bauer +straddling his chest.</p> +<p>At that moment both boys became guilty of serious breaches +against time-honoured school etiquette. Bauer struck the +defenceless Keith square in the face with his clenched fist, and +Keith burst into tears. Quick as a flash one of the older boys +grabbed Bauer by the scruff of his neck and hurled him halfway +across the yard, while another one plucked Keith from the ground +and shoved him toward the stairway with a contemptuous:</p> +<p>"The classroom for cry-babies."</p> +<p>The humiliation felt by Keith was so intense that he wondered +whether he could stay in the school. Nothing but the thought of his +father kept him from returning home. But the cloud had a silver +lining. Though no one else knew, he knew that he had started crying +from rage, and not from fear. And this fact in connection with his +realization of not having had any thought of running away during +the fight made him hesitate in his final judgment upon himself. But +he felt quite sure that fighting was not his chosen field. The +effect on his nerves was too damaging.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_III"></a>III</h2> +<br> +<p>In the lower three grades, a single teacher with the title of +Class Principal had complete charge of the morals, manners and +instruction of the children in his grade. Keith had the luck of +falling into the hands of one of the kindest and shrewdest men in +the school--a man who seemed to understand that his mission was to +guide rather than to drive, and who, in addition to his broad, +human sympathy, possessed a genuine sense of humour.</p> +<p>His name was Lector Dahlström, but everybody spoke of him +as Dally, and little did he care. He was large of body and large of +mind, with a most impressive girth and a voice that commanded +attention without grating on supersensitive nerves. He had very +rarely to assert his authority, but if ever the need arose, no one +remained long in doubt as to who was the master, and a recurrence +of the offense was unheard of. Even on such occasions he never used +corporal punishment, although at that time the right of such +administration still remained with him. He simply appealed to the +self-respect and the sense of fairness in his pupils, asking no one +to render what lay beyond his capacity. The main secret of his hold +on the boys, however, lay in his ability to keep them interested, +and to do so he frequently broke away from the text books and +time-worn pedagogical methods. If there was anything he deposed, it +was learning things by rote.</p> +<p>The boys sat in rows of four and were placed with regard to +scholarship and behaviour, so that the best pupils were farthest +away from the teacher and the least reliable ones right in front of +him. Keith found himself number two in the class, and that position +at first tickled his pride considerably. Later, as the term went +by, and boys now and then were shifted up or down, he began to +wonder why he always remained number two. It was reassuring in a +way, as showing that he held his own, but he failed to see why +another boy should always remain <i>primus</i>, although his +performances during lessons did not surpass those of Keith. Once he +dared even give utterance to some such speculation in his father's +hearing, but was promptly put down with a stern:</p> +<p>"If the teacher puts another boy above you, he has probably some +very good reason for doing so, and you had better feel thankful for +being where you are in the class."</p> +<p>"Humph," said his mother. "You forget, Carl, that the father of +that boy is one of the richest bankers in the city."</p> +<p>This was a way of looking at it which had never occurred to +Keith. He was pretty contented, on the whole, and like all the +rest, he placed the most implicit trust in the teacher's justice. +From the very start, he had a feeling that Dally kept a special eye +on him, and yet he was rarely spoken to except when questions were +passed around. Even then the teacher was rather apt to leave Keith +alone to such an extent that the boy now and then began to think +himself disliked. Always, however, when he got to this point, some +little incident would occur that restored his faith both in himself +and in the teacher.</p> +<p>There could be no doubt that he knew his lessons as well as any +one in the class, if not better, and he shone still more when Dally +appealed to the natural intelligence of the boys by straying far +away from the beaten and dusty path of the text books. Whenever he +had stirred them by some excursion of this kind and began to ask +questions in order to find out how far they had followed him, +Keith's right hand was sure to shoot excitedly upwards in order to +get him the coveted chance of answering. And it seemed as if he +could answer almost every question asked except a few that went so +far beyond the bounds laid down for the class that the teacher +deemed it fair to warn them that inability to answer would be no +shame. That was the kind of questions Dally generally reserved for +Keith, and when Keith couldn't answer, it didn't console him very +much that no one else could. Once, when his hand went up as usual +and, to his astonishment, he obtained the permission to answer, +Keith, to his still greater astonishment, suddenly discovered that +he had no answer to give.</p> +<p>"I thought so," said Dally with a broad grin on his +good-humoured face. "Do you know what a fuzzy-wuzz is, +Wellander?"</p> +<p>Keith shook his head, his face crimson with chagrin and +humiliation as the whole class burst into anticipatory +laughter.</p> +<p>"That's a chap who wants to do all of it all the time," +explained Dally.</p> +<p>Keith did not quite see the point, but he kept his right arm a +little more in check for a while after that, until one day the +lesson was forgotten and history repeated itself.</p> +<p>"Now Keith is fuzzy-wuzzying again," said Dally, and Keith +thought he would sink through the floor. His mind was quite made up +never to ask permission to answer another question again, but that +same afternoon, during the lesson in Swedish history, Dally dropped +all questioning and asked Keith to explain to the class the main +factors leading up to the Wars of Reformation--which Keith spent +twenty minutes in doing while all the rest of the class had to sit +still listening to him.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_IV"></a>IV</h2> +<br> +<p>Keith could not remain isolated to the same extent as in the +earlier schools. Inevitable community sprang from similarity of sex +and age alone. In the same direction worked the system of teaching +which called for the united attention of the entire class during +every moment of the lesson. It was impossible to form a part of the +class without being in contact with all its other members. The boy +who read aloud or answered a question became subjected to the +criticism or admiration of all the rest. Rivalry in any field of +study was just as likely to arise between two boys at different +ends of the room as between those sitting side by side. The spirit +of Dally tended to assist this fusion of personalities in every +way, and the boy who kept apart was sure sooner or later to run +foul of his good-humoured but well-aimed sallies. His attitude +implied no tyranny, and he strove for no deadening conformity. On +the contrary, he always spoke of a strongly marked individuality as +the object of all education, but he tried to develop it by fearless +contact with others rather than by jealous withdrawal.</p> +<p>Keith for the first time found himself part of a society, and he +liked it because the teacher's insistence on scholarly achievement +as the only standard of comparison gave him a chance to hold his +own among a group of boys, most of whom counted themselves his +superiors in every other respect. He was small and poor, of humble +origin, without influential connections, without worldly advantages +of any kind, but when mind was pitched against mind, he felt second +to none--except in mathematics, where he could compete neither with +Davidson, the Jewish banker's son who was <i>primus</i>, or with +that gawky, cumbersome Anderson whose dullness in every other +respect always kept him near the bottom of the class. For this +reason Keith differed from most of the others by liking school +better during the lessons than at any other time.</p> +<p>There were games in the schoolyard during the pauses, and some +of these were played in large groups or by teams. This occurred +particularly when echoes from some war abroad caused the whole +school to divide into rival armies for the staging of regular +battles, as during his second year, when all had to be Turks or +Russians. But Keith didn't like battles except in books, and mostly +the pauses broke up the class communities into small coteries or +pairs. And the moment this happened, Keith found himself outside. +He belonged to no special group. His appearance in the yard raised +no delighted hails. He had no chum of his very own with whom to +exchange secrets or lay plans for common adventures. And but for +Dally, he would probably have spent most of his free time in the +classroom.</p> +<p>It was worse when the big pause came at eleven and every one +went home for lunch, or when three o'clock brought school to a +close for the day. Going to school alone was an experience shared +by all, but on leaving it, the hurrying horde of youngsters, +exuberant with freedom as so many colts, broke into little groups +of two or three that had homes in the same neighbourhood. Now and +then Keith would join a couple of other boys headed for the old +City like himself, and they would not refuse his company, but there +always was something between him and them that precluded real +fellowship, and so he trudged his way homeward, alone most of the +time. Then he was also sure of reaching home in the shortest +possible time, so that his mother had no chance to become worried +over him.</p> +<p>It happen now and then that a larger group was formed for some +unusual exploit and that Keith became part of it by chance rather +than choice. Once he accompanied such a group to that part of the +harbour where tall-masted fullriggers with foreign flags lay nose +by stern in unbroken line along the quay. Strange odours, fragrant +or repulsive, filled the air. Jolly, loud-voiced men toiled +mightily or lounged like monarchs among piles of casks and bags and +boxes. For once Keith lost his usual timidity under such +circumstances and threw himself whole-heartedly into anything the +gang suggested. He even ventured to climb the mast of a ship as far +as the foretop. When at last reluctantly he turned homeward, he +felt like a hero, but when he caught sight of the tear-stained, +fretted face of his mother, he knew at once that even such +exaltation was not worth the price to be paid for it.</p> +<p>Unfortunately he had made himself popular that afternoon, and +the next time a gang formed for a similar purpose, he was asked to +join. But he shook his head, and being foolishly truthful by +nature, he blurted out an embarrassed:</p> +<p>"My mother won't let me."</p> +<p>The answer was passed along. It was repeated in school the next +day. Keith heard echoes of it for weeks. And it added a good deal +to the invisible wall that seemed to rise about him wherever he +went.</p> +<p>Yet he was not unhappy. There was in his nature a wonderful +resiliency that never let his spirits drop beyond a certain point, +and that always brought them back to highwater mark at the +slightest encouragement.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_V"></a>V</h2> +<br> +<p>He had discovered the school library. It was to him a marvellous +treasure trove. Any book could be taken home, one at a time, after +being registered with the teacher acting as librarian for the day. +Nor were the books handed out to you arbitrarily. You browsed all +by yourself, and picked and picked, and calculated, and went back +on your choice a dozen times, until at last you struck a book so +fascinating in its promises that all hesitation disappeared.</p> +<p>The father started to object, but was silenced by the +explanation that the school authorities wanted the boys to borrow +books from the library. That settled it, for discipline came first +and even pleasure must be allowed if required by discipline. Had +Keith been less honest or more imaginative in what may be called +practical matters, his father's regard for authority might have +offered more than one chance at liberties now denied, but this +possibility never occurred to him, and so the library remained his +one avenue of escape.</p> +<p>The books he chose puzzled and almost shocked the rotatory +guardians of his sanctum. Once he picked an enormous volume on +Greek mythology, full of pictures and translated passages from +Homer and the dramatists.</p> +<p>"You don't want that, Wellander," the teacher said, eying him +curiously, when Keith presented the book for registration.</p> +<p>"Yes, I do," replied Keith stoutly, but his heart began to quake +at the thought that the cherished volume was going to be denied +him.</p> +<p>"Do you mean to say that you intend to read it through?" the +teacher persisted.</p> +<p>"Yes, I will," said Keith.</p> +<p>There was a long pause during which the teacher seemed to weigh +the book in his hand as if wondering whether its very weight would +be too much for the undersized little chap in front of him.</p> +<p>"All right," he said at last, "but I suppose that means you will +have reading for the rest of this season."</p> +<p>Keith looked at the book more hopefully, and with hope came +courage.</p> +<p>"I'll read it in three weeks," he said.</p> +<p>So he did, too, and when he turned in the book, the same teacher +happened to be on duty, recognized him, and began to ask questions. +When Keith had proved that the whole Olympian hierarchy was duly +installed in his acquisitive brain, the teacher said with an amused +but friendly smile:</p> +<p>"I think we shall let you have anything you want hereafter. What +is it to be this time--philosophy?"</p> +<p>"No, I want another book of exploration," answered Keith, +thawing under the smile. "And I want a real good one."</p> +<p>That was his favourite subject, and the book he chose was +Speke's "Discovery of the Source of the Nile." Once launched on +that memorable journey, he had no thought left for any explorations +of his own.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_VI"></a>VI</h2> +<br> +<p>During the fall and spring terms of that first year Keith had no +sense of time. Days and weeks and months rolled by so smoothly that +their passing was unnoticed. It is a question whether at any other +period of his life--with one possible exception--he was more +completely interested and, for that reason, satisfied.</p> +<p>One day he observed casually that the old trees in the +churchyard sported tiny green leaves under a deliciously blue but +still rather cold sky. A few days more, and he heard that +commencement was at hand.</p> +<p>It was a time of great excitement in school. Who would pass and +who would not? Falling through might mean another year in the same +class, but beyond all doubt it meant a summer spent at work instead +of playing. It was worse than a disgrace. It was a menace to +liberty at the time of the year when liberty meant most.</p> +<p>Being second in the class, it never occurred to Keith that he +might fail of promotion to a higher grade, but at that end there +were possible prizes to consider. The class was full of gossip and +speculation. Boys who had hardly spoken to each other before broke +into heated discussions or formed belated friendships. In one way +and another the fever infected Keith and spread from him to his +parents, though his father as usual feigned complete indifference. +From his mother he learned long before the startling fact was meant +to reach his ears, that his father had actually asked a day off at +the bank in order to attend the exercises. This news increased +Keith's fear by several degrees. He had no idea what might happen, +and it would be unthinkably dreadful to have the father present if +anything went wrong. But on the other hand, if ... well, what was +there to happen anyhow?</p> +<p>On the morning of the great day, a host of parents and relatives +and other interested spectators crowded into the big assembly hall +where places were reserved for them in the rear and along the +walls. In the meantime the pupils gathered in their respective +class-rooms, and from there they marched by twos to the hall, the +lowest grade leading. Every boy was in his best clothes, and every +one showed his nervousness in his own peculiar way. Keith laughed +hysterically a few times before they started, and then he turned +into an automaton that breathed and moved and heard and saw only as +part of a gigantic machine. His own individuality seemed to melt +and become a mere drop in the all-exclusive individuality of the +school.</p> +<p>This mood lasted through the early part of the exercises, the +prayer read by the <i>primus</i> of the senior class, the hymn +singing, the Rector's speech, and so on. Everything came to him as +out of a mist, and he was not even sufficiently conscious of +himself to look around for a glimpse of his parents. When the +distribution of exercises began, the whole atmosphere changed. +Until then it had been collective and impersonal. Now it became +intensely personal. Every one wanted to hear. Necks were craned, +whispered questions asked. It was as if a sudden breeze had stirred +waters which until then had been still as the mirroring surface of +a forest pool. Keith's mood changed with the rest, and he grew +painfully conscious of himself and his surroundings.</p> +<p>Starting with the lowest grade, the Rector read out the names of +the prize winners, the character of the prizes, and sometimes the +reasons why they were bestowed. At the mention of each name, a boy +rose from his seat, squirmed past his closely packed comrades, +marched up the centre aisle to the platform, bowed awkwardly to the +Rector, grabbed the prize, bowed still more awkwardly if possible, +and marched back to his seat with a face that burned or blanched, +grinned or glowed, according to temperament.</p> +<p>The second grade was soon reached. Most of the prizes consisted +of books. Davidson, <i>primus</i>, got two gilt-edged volumes of +poetry. Keith caught a glimpse of them and experienced a twinge of +envy. His heart was beating so that he thought he could hear it. +His eyes clung to the Rector's mouth, and when the next name was +read, he half rose. Then he sank back, and around him an ominous +stillness seemed to reign.</p> +<p>The name was that of Runge, <i>tertius</i>, who got some +historical work. Then <i>quartus</i>, Blomberg, who was a +passionate botanist, received a valuable text book on his favourite +subject. Still the rector went on, and Keith felt sure that his +name had been passed over by some mistake, and that now it would +come.</p> +<p>"A German lexicon for special attention to the student of that +language," the Rector droned on.</p> +<p>Again Keith started to rise from his seat, but even as he did +so, it flashed through his mind that he was given no more attention +to German than to other studies.</p> +<p>"... to Otto Krass of the Second Grade," the Rector completed +his sentence, holding out a book.</p> +<p>As Keith sank back on the bench, Krass, <i>quintus</i>, rose +with an expression on his face as if he had become personally +involved in a particularly incredible miracle.</p> +<p>A whisper ran through the rest of the class. Glances were cast +at Keith, who felt them like so many lashes on bare skin although +in every other respect he had once more become utterly unconscious +of what happened about him.</p> +<p>By slow degrees he recovered so far that he could try to think, +but the process was unendurable. There could be no accident. It was +a deliberate slight aimed at him for some specific reason. He tried +to think of the past year and its happenings in and out of school, +but this effort produced no solution to the riddle.</p> +<p>Suddenly he bethought himself of his speculations concerning his +place in the class. It seemed that he had been deeply envious of +Davidson all that year. With a quick turn of the head he surveyed +for a moment the haughty expression and narrowly drawn postures of +the boy beside him. There was a trace of a sneer on that face, and +again Keith's heart was flooded with resentment. But this mood +changed abruptly into contriteness. Perhaps he was being punished +by some one, by God--he hesitated at that thought--for grudging his +schoolmate the place and the honours that he probably had deserved. +Keith was the meanest of the mean....</p> +<p>Krass was back in his seat showing his book. He showed it to +Keith also, but with a palpable embarrassment that touched the +latter as an additional blow. Keith tried to say that it was nice, +but his lips were too dry and stiff to produce a sound.</p> +<p>The Rector was still reading off names. To save himself from his +own thoughts, Keith tried to listen. Soon he noticed that, without +fail, the prizes went in unbroken sequence to the first four or +five pupils in every grade. And suddenly he wondered whether his +father and mother had noticed. What would they say? What could +<i>he</i> say?</p> +<p>Then he remembered his mother's remark on hearing about his +place in the class, and he wondered if it could be possible.... But +the parents of Krass had neither wealth nor position. That much he +knew.</p> +<p>The Rector's voice and manner became more and more impressive, +and the prizes more and more valuable, as he passed higher and +higher, until at last the senior class was reached--the boys who +were now graduating into the <i>gymnasium</i>. They were his own +pupils, and for each of the prize winners from the two branches of +that class he had a word of special praise and good-will.</p> +<p>A restless stirring passed through the assembly as the boy +expected to be the last recipient of special honours made his way +to the platform and everybody prepared to rise for the singing of a +closing hymn.</p> +<p>Still the old Rector, with his smooth-shaven and deeply furrowed +Roman face, remained standing, and once more an expectant hush fell +upon pupils and spectators. Apparently he intended, contrary to +custom, to follow up the main ceremony of the day with some +important announcement.</p> +<p>"One more prize remains to be distributed," he resumed with more +than usual deliberation. "We do not have the pleasure of bestowing +it regularly, because its conditions are unusual. It was the will +of the donor that it should be given to that pupil who, regardless +of grade and age, during the previous year had shown the relatively +greatest aptitude, industry, and actual advance in knowledge. This +year the prize, which consists of one hundred crowns in gold and is +the largest at the disposal of our school, is to be distributed, +and the pupil found worthy of this exceptional honour is...."</p> +<p>Every eye was on the Rector as he paused dramatically. Every one +in the hall listened breathlessly to catch the favoured name. Keith +listened like the rest, a little enviously perhaps, but without +serious attention, for it had just occurred to him for the tenth +time that the situation would have been so much less unbearable if +only his father had stayed away.</p> +<p>"... this pupil is Keith Wellander of the Second Grade," the +Rector concluded.</p> +<p>A murmur swept the hall, and Keith felt himself the centre of +many eyes. The murmur grew as the winner failed to appear, but +Keith could not move a limb. Dumbly and unbelievingly he stared at +the Rector and the group of teachers seated around him on the +platform.</p> +<p>"Come forward, Wellander," the Rector said in a friendly voice +as if he could well understand the overwhelming effect of such +distinction. At the same time Keith noticed Lector Dahlström +rising partly from his seat on the platform as if to see whether +anything might be the matter.</p> +<p>Had the ceiling opened and an angel appeared in a fiery chariot +to call him heavenward, the boy could not have been more startled. +It was as if a terrific blow had paralyzed all his senses. His +classmates had to push him forward. He never knew how he reached +the platform, where the Rector was waiting for him with a small +package ready for delivery. Keith felt the weight of that package +in his own hand and the gentle touch of the Rector's hand on his +head. Words were uttered that he did not catch, and the room became +filled with the noise of boisterous applause.</p> +<p>He bowed mechanically and turned to walk back to his seat, and +as he did so, he noticed a white handkerchief waving at him from +the rear of the hall. Behind the handkerchief he caught a glimpse +of his mother's face, and a thought shot through his head:</p> +<p>"Papa is here and has heard all this!"</p> +<p>Then he relapsed into a state of utter oblivion of the +surrounding world. The thing was too tremendous to be felt even. +Automatically he moved out of the hall and back to the classroom +with the rest. Dally was saying things to him, but he could not +grasp a word. Now and then he became vaguely conscious of awed +glances cast at him by the other boys. Some of them spoke to him, +and in some strange way he managed to realize that Davidson was not +among these.</p> +<p>At last he woke into full consciousness on the street, where he +found himself walking homeward by his father's hand. The pressure +of that hand seemed unusually soft and pleasant. The mother was +talking eagerly and wiping her eyes between little happy bursts of +laughter. The father listened for a long while in silence.</p> +<p>"Yes," he said at last, "it is not a bad beginning--if he can +keep it up."</p> +<p>Keith felt for a moment as if he were walking on air, and he +knew that he would keep it up--that after such a day nothing could +prevent him from keeping it up. Then a bewildering thought appeared +out of nowhere and began to buzz in his tired and over-excited +brain.</p> +<p>"If I have done all that the Rector said," this thought demanded +of him, "why in the world has Dally kept me sitting below Davidson +who got nothing but books?"</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_VII"></a>VII</h2> +<br> +<p>Keith next day was permitted to have a good look at the five +twenty-crown pieces found in the package handed to him by the +Rector. Their weight and brightness made them delightful to handle, +but they were not "toys for children" his father remarked, and with +that remark they passed out of sight for ever. Once or twice he put +timid questions to his mother, who never answered directly, but +reminded him of all the money his father had spent and was spending +on him for food and clothes and schooling and all sorts of things. +Keith almost wished that he had received some nice books instead, +or anything that could make him feel that he really had got a big +glorious reward for something he really had done. Now the +achievement seemed as illusive as the reward.</p> +<p>He tried to reason the case out with himself, and the conclusion +at which he arrived was that his father probably was entitled and +certainly welcome to the money, but that as he, Keith, had earned +it and owned it, something should be said to him about the use of +it. And as so often was the case, it became a question of abstract +justice. The value and possibilities of the money lay beyond his +grasp, but the ethics of its disposal, from his simple childish +point of view, seemed too clear for serious discussion. Once or +twice he stole a look at his savings bank book, which his mother +kept among her own papers, but no new entry appeared on its meagre +credit side. By and by he almost lost sight of the whole incident, +engrossed as he was with the experiences of the current hour, but +the memory of it recurred fitfully, and in moments of +dissatisfaction it tended to assume the shape of a grievance, if +not a charge, against the father. From this tendency he fled +instinctively to an idea of money as not worth bothering about. And +that idea also helped when the atmosphere of worry about money +matters surrounding his mother became too intense and +depressive.</p> +<p>There was comparatively little of it that summer. His mother was +in better health and spirits than he had seen her for a long time, +and she was as happy as Keith when the father announced that they +would have a summer place of their own on one of the islands in +Lake Maelaren, somewhat farther out than the one where Uncle Laube +lived. It was too far away to have become absorbed by the rapidly +growing city, and yet too close at hand to be quite desirable as a +summer location for the more prosperous. The island was of +sufficient size to hold a couple of real farms in the centre, while +the shore line was occupied by occasional villas. Halfway between +these two mutually foreign regions, on a sharp slope that still +remained largely uncleared, stood a little red house with just two +rooms in it. One of these was occupied by the old couple that owned +the house. The other one had been rented to the Wellanders for the +summer, and in that one room the mother, the grandmother and Keith +established themselves, with the father appearing as a regular +week-end guest.</p> +<p>Taking it all in all, it was the freest, and in many ways the +happiest summer of Keith's childhood. He was permitted to roam +around pretty much as he pleased, and there were several other +small boys to play with, none of them enterprising enough to arouse +the distrust of Keith's mother. They were all city boys however, as +foreign to nature as Keith, and there was no older person on hand +to give their excursions and games a constructive twist without +turning them into lessons. There was plenty of wild life about, and +it helped in many ways to give them a better time, but that was as +near as they got to it. Exactly the same thing happened during +subsequent summers, and so the boy always looked upon flowers and +trees and birds and insects as delightful but puzzling +representatives of a world of which he did not know the +language.</p> +<p>It was good fun, however, and temporarily it took Keith farther +away from himself and from his cherished books than he had been +since his first discovery of the latter. The boys proved decent, +wholesome company, more bent on discharging their surplus energy +than on doing mischief. Much of their time was spent in or near the +water, so that Keith developed into a pretty good swimmer for his +age, though always of the cautious type. And between games they +would discuss the world from a boy's point of view. There was +particularly one boy of the same age as Keith with whom he had +talks of a kind quite new to him. Oscar's parents were still very +young, and he spoke of them more as chums than as masters. And he +spoke of them with a sort of restrained enthusiasm that set Keith +thinking very hard. He loved his parents, especially his mother, +and admired them, especially his father at certain times, but he +was not conscious of any feeling about them corresponding to the +one displayed by Oscar, whose father, after all, was nothing but a +captain on one of the small steam sloops running between the city +and some of the surrounding islands.</p> +<p>Oscar was especially eloquent when he spoke of the love his +parents had for each other. He gave examples that seemed +exaggerated to Keith, but nevertheless impressed him. In return +Keith boasted similarly of his own parents, and he meant every word +he said, but always what he had to tell fell short of the pictures +drawn by Oscar.</p> +<p>"You don't understand," cried Oscar one day when again they were +debating this fascinating topic all by themselves. "It's all right +for your mother to kiss your father when he leaves and when he +returns, and to be looking for him all the time. But that's not +enough. That's not the way my parents love each other. And I don't +think your father cares so very much for your mother. But my father +is so much in love with my mother that he would like to eat what +she has chewed!"</p> +<p>"No--o!" protested Keith, rather appalled by the illustration +used, and yet feeling as if he had beheld some undiscovered +country. There was a pause during which he stared incredulously at +Oscar.</p> +<p>"I mean just what I said," insisted Oscar a little more quietly +after a while. "Anything that has to do with my mother is sweet to +my father, I tell you. And that is love. If you don't know it, you +don't know what love is either."</p> +<p>"But why," demanded Keith, his mind still so full of the +disturbing image called forth by Oscar that his jaws moved uneasily +as if he had taken into his mouth something unpalatable.</p> +<p>"Because," Oscar hesitated ... "because it is that way."</p> +<p>Keith left shortly afterwards to think it over in solitude. It +was probably the first time the word love had been presented to him +as anything but a commonplace term for laudable but commonplace +feelings. He puzzled over it, but to little purpose, and for some +reason he thought it useless or unwise to ask his mother for +information.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_VIII"></a>VIII</h2> +<br> +<p>The third grade proved merely a continuation of the second. +Little had changed over summer. A few boys had been dropped behind +and a few others overtaken. That affected the bottom of the class, +but not the top. Dally remained their principal, and when he +welcomed them back at the opening of the fall term, Keith waited +excitedly for the distribution of places. Few changes were made +however. Davidson remained <i>primus</i> as before, with Keith +next. Then came Runge and Blomberg as before. For a day or two +Keith swung violently between fits of rebellion and deep +depression. It seemed almost incredible that he could have received +the highest prize bestowed on any pupil in the school.</p> +<p>Then the routine of instruction and study seized him. New +text-books were acquired, not without some grumbling on his +father's part. New interests were stirring and, as usual, cleverly +nursed by Dally. Above all, the magnetic power of the teacher +asserted itself once more, until Keith felt that the only thing +really worth while in life was to please him.</p> +<p>Algebra was one of the new subjects, and the use of letters +instead of figures amused Keith for a while. But it took no serious +hold on his mind. The whole field of mathematics left him strangely +uninterested although he was good at arithmetic. He thought the +problems of Euclid stupid. Once he had learned how to prove a +theorem, it seemed so ridiculously self-evident that he wondered +why anybody should bother his brain about it. There were other boys +who could figure out the demonstrations in advance without looking +at the book. Keith tried it once or twice, but failed miserably and +gave it up as a worthless and thankless job. Apparently his brain +did not work in that way. It had to touch real life to be at its +best. History and geography were his favourite subjects, and in +those he led the class. This was openly admitted by Dally +himself.</p> +<p>Literature was another new subject. They read and analysed and +criticized classical Swedish poetry--Tegnér and Runeberg and +Geijer. Most of the poems chosen for the purpose were historical +and took their themes from the old viking days or from the glorious +centuries of Gustavus Adolphus and Charles XII, when Sweden so +nearly rose to be a great power. Keith liked to take certain +sonorous passages into his mouth. There was a satisfying fullness +and richness about them that seemed somehow to enhance his own +feeling of self-importance. Their rhythm also pleased him and +became a sort of substitute for the singing of which he was +incapable. Chiefly, however, it was the stories told by the poems +that interested him, and on the whole he did not think much of +poetry. But this opinion he never dared to put into words. To do so +in the face of Dally's clearly manifested reverence would have been +like openly confessing a particularly degrading form of +inferiority.</p> +<p>Nor did it seem to matter so very much what he studied. The main +thing always remained what Dally said and did in his efforts to +bring out something within the self of each boy for which only he +seemed to have an eye. Keith at times felt as if he would give +anything to know what Dally expected of him in particular. He felt +sure that it must be something wonderful, and he had odd moments of +almost being on the verge of grasping it, but in the end it always +eluded him, and no sooner was he out of Dally's presence than the +whole thing seemed very unreal and foolish.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_IX"></a>IX</h2> +<br> +<p>Young Davidson had a bent toward sarcasm that sometimes lured +him out of his usual cold aloofness. In one of these rare +communicative moments he said of little Loth that he crossed the +equator at least once a week and didn't mind. He referred to the +fact that Loth was more frequently moved than any other pupil but +always managed to retain a place near the centre. And no matter +what fate might bring him of ups or downs, Loth always retained a +perfect composure. Yet he was small and nervous and highstrung like +Keith and Bauer. One day Keith asked him how he could stand being +shoved about like that.</p> +<p>"Because my father says I am going into business anyhow," +answered Loth, "and I don't know whether I hate business or books +most."</p> +<p>"What would you like to do," asked Keith looking puzzled.</p> +<p>"Draw," said Loth vaguely, "and play the piano, and go to the +theatre, and--yes, and read poetry books that don't teach you +anything."</p> +<p>This view of life was so new to Keith that he really tried to +become acquainted with Loth in order to learn more about it. His +own indifference to anything but books promised small success, but +in the end a tie was found in their common love of tin soldiers. So +he was admitted to Loth's particular circle and was even invited to +Loth's home for a birthday party--the first and last of its kind +that he attended during his five years at Old Mary. Before +permitted to go, he was warned that the servant girl would come for +him at nine. No amount of pleading helped to ameliorate that +condition.</p> +<p>Loth's father was a prosperous storekeeper on West Long Street +and lived in a spacious and richly furnished apartment above the +store. It was a home like that revealed to Keith through his +shortlived friendship with Harald. The impression on Keith, +however, was quite different because of his own growth since that +first year at school. And the actions of the eight or ten boys who +were the other guests impressed him still more. They wore gloves +when they arrived. They showed neither forwardness nor timidity, +but greeted each other and their host with grown-up dignity and +formality. They seemed to know what to do at every moment, and how +to do it. Keith was accustomed to decent manners. Social +intercourse in the parental circle was not without grace, but this +was something different. At the time he was utterly incapable of +telling where the difference lay, and years afterward he realized +what subtle shadings it depended on. The main thing at the time was +that something in himself responded instinctively to the higher +degree of polish and self-assurance which he now for the first time +was able to observe at close quarters.</p> +<p>The principal entertainment of the evening was a monster battle +with tin soldiers on the cleared floor of the huge dining-room. The +battle was at its height and supper was not yet in sight, when +Keith learned that the girl was waiting for him. There was nothing +to do but to obey, but the hostess could not think of letting him +go without having eaten. A special service was prepared for him in +the kindest way possible, and Keith enjoyed very much the many +dainties offered him. Nevertheless he felt the situation as +humiliating and was actually glad when he got away at last. But the +gladness was only a surface gloss on a burning core of regrets and +dissatisfaction.</p> +<p>In a way that evening, which was never repeated, proved a new +starting point in his life. He had had his first close contact with +life on a higher social level, and he could not forget it. New +standards had been furnished him, and unconsciously he was applying +them all the time to all sorts of things--his parents included. +Until then he had blindly accepted them and their ways and their +environment as representing the best this world had to offer. Now +the basis had been laid for doubts that gradually developed into +positive criticism.</p> +<p>The immediate result seemed quite irrelevant. He developed a +sudden objection to running errands for his mother, and especially +to doing anything that involved the carrying of bags or bottles or +baskets through the streets. Packages looking as if they might +contain books remained unobjectional. There was a time when being +sent to the grocery store was a privilege and a distinction. Later +it became an opportunity for clandestine meetings with Johan. Even +during his first year at Old Mary he continued to perform such +tasks without any thought of what others might think of them. He +must have heard things, however, and inner resistances must have +developed, which were now brought into sudden appearance by the +inner echoes of Loth's birthday party.</p> +<p>He did not dare to breathe a word about his new state of mind in +his father's presence. And it was long before he gathered courage +to voice it openly before his mother. But he used all the arguments +and evasions and tricks he could muster to escape what had become a +dreaded ordeal. It developed into a test of will and strength +between Keith and his mother--the first of its kind, and the +forerunner of numerous others still more deep-reaching. After a +while the father discovered or learned what was going on, but, +contrary to custom, that was not enough to settle the matter. In +this case, neither argument nor threats had any effect on Keith. He +avoided open conflict with his father for good and sufficient +reason, and he did what could not be escaped, but he did it in a +spirit of passionate rebellion that introduced a new element of +division and strife the home. Both parents seemed instinctively to +interpret the boy's changed attitude as a reflection on themselves, +and they resented it keenly, but to no avail. While pretending to +insist on full obedience as before, they gave way in reality by +making the servant girl do the errands in place of Keith.</p> +<p>"One of these days I suppose we shall not be good enough for you +any longer," said his mother bitterly one day while the contest was +still on.</p> +<p>"Why, mamma," cried Keith, disturbed by the emotional appeal +back of her words, "what has that to do with my not wanting to be +laughed at by other boys?"</p> +<p>"I almost wish I hadn't persuaded your father to send you to the +public school," the mother rejoined.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_X"></a>X</h2> +<br> +<p>The school year was drawing to its close again Dally's tone grew +less bantering. On several occasions he delivered little impromptu +sermons on the seriousness of life and the difficulties of living. +One afternoon about two weeks before commencement he told them to +close their books.</p> +<p>"I want each one of you to tell me what you expect to become in +life, or what kind of a career your parents have chosen for +you."</p> +<p>A stir of excitement swept over the class.</p> +<p>Then Dally went on to explain why he wished to know. The first +three grades were divided into A and B classes, but that had +nothing to do with the teaching, which was the same in both +classes. The fourth and fifth grades, on the other hand, were +divided into a "Latin" and an "English" branch, with quite +different curricula. Boys headed for the various professions ought +to choose the former branch, while the second one led to more +practical pursuits.</p> +<p>"You are going to be an officer, I understand." Dally said, +turning to <i>primus</i>.</p> +<p>"Yes, sir," the young Jew answered with a self-importance that +even Keith could not miss. "My father wants me to try for the +General Staff, and so I have to specialize on mathematics."</p> +<p>"Humph," was Dally's only audible comment as he made a note, but +he looked as if he had tasted something unpleasant.</p> +<p>"And you, Wellander," asked the teacher.</p> +<p>"I am going to be an explorer," replied Keith without moment's +hesitation, and the whole class broke into a roar of laughter with +Dally joining them.</p> +<p>Keith, as usual, blushed a deep crimson, but did not move.</p> +<p>"That's neither a trade nor a profession," said Dally after a +while, still smiling. "I fear you are fuzzy-wuzzying again, +Wellander. What do you mean by an explorer?"</p> +<p>"One who explores rivers and deserts and unknown countries and +such things," said Keith brazenly.</p> +<p>"And you really mean that you are going in for that sort of +thing?"</p> +<p>"I do," Keith insisted, while the whole class watched him in a +hush that might easily turn either into derision or into +approval.</p> +<p>"There isn't much exploring left to be done," Dally mused, +looking intently at the small boy at the other end of the room. +"Most of the globe is mapped already."</p> +<p>"There is a lot left in Africa," Keith retorted eagerly.</p> +<p>"And what does your father say about it," was Dally's next +question.</p> +<p>There was a long pause broken only by some gigglings by the +irrepressibles down at the bottom of the class.</p> +<p>"I have not asked him," Keith admitted at last. "But I am going +to be an explorer just the same."</p> +<p>"In these days that means you have to become a scientist," Dally +remarked in a changed tone. "It is your only chance, and so I +advise you to choose Latin. It is what I think a boy with your head +should take anyhow."</p> +<p>"All right, Sir," assented Keith, flattered by the last part of +Dally's remark and utterly ignorant of what his choice implied.</p> +<p>That evening he told his father that he had been asked whether +he wanted to enter the Latin or the English branch of the fourth +grade, and that he had chosen the former.</p> +<p>"Why," asked his father.</p> +<p>"Because Dally says I ought to," replied Keith.</p> +<p>"Well, he ought to know," said the father.</p> +<p>But when Keith appeared in the schoolyard during one of the +pauses next day, he was met from every side by the cry:</p> +<p>"There's the explorer! There's the explorer!"</p> +<p>The younger boys jeered openly at him. The older ones pretended +to ask him serious questions about his plans. For days he was the +laughing stock of the whole school, and even on his way to and from +school he was pursued by jibes and taunts. Through it all Keith +stuck quietly to his guns, without a sign of retraction or evasion. +And in the end his seriousness conquered. But from that day he was +known to the entire school as "the explorer," and he heard that +term more often than his own name.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XI"></a>XI</h2> +<br> +<p>It was the afternoon of the last day before commencement. The +atmosphere in the class was solemn and more than a little +wistful.</p> +<p>"It is our last hour together," said Dally when all were back in +their seats after the pause. "History is on the schedule, +but--schedules are not made for moments like these. Let us just +have a friendly talk."</p> +<p>He did practically all the talking, and he talked to them more +as an older boy, a chum with somewhat wider experience, than as a +teacher and class principal. It made them feel their own importance +rather heavily, but still more it made them conscious of an +irreparable loss. They knew that school would not be the same in +the fall, when Dally no longer was with them. In accordance with +established custom, he would go back to the first grade and start +piloting a new generation up to the point where they had just +arrived.</p> +<p>The class would break up, too. Some would have to stay behind. +One or two had gone as far as they could and would make a premature +transfer from school to life. Others were bound for other schools +or other cities. The rest would split in two and join with the +corresponding parts of the parallel section to form two entirely +new classes. It gave them a foretaste of what it would mean to +graduate into the <i>gymnasium</i>, and from there into the +university. And it filled their hearts with wistful pride.</p> +<p>The last hour was drawing to a close and everybody was talking +at once, when Dally unexpectedly asked them to give him their full +attention once more for few minutes.</p> +<p>"An act of justice remains to be performed," he said. "There is +a boy among you who has not received all that he had justly +deserved. It was withheld from him by me for his own welfare. The +time has now come when he and you should know all about it."</p> +<p>As he paused for a moment, the boys looked around at each other +with something like consternation. Their curiosity was intense. He +spoke with a tensity of feeling they had hardly ever noticed in him +before, and not one of them had an inkling of what he was driving +at.</p> +<p>"It means that some of you have received more than they +deserved," he resumed. "That also should be known--for the good of +all. It is a reflection on no one but myself, however, and I think +you know me well enough by this time to be sure that I have been +moved by no other consideration than the future good of the one +most nearly concerned."</p> +<p>Again he stopped, the class waiting breathlessly for him to go +on. At that moment Keith became aware that the teacher's gaze +rested firmly on him with an expression that sent the blood in a +hot stream to his face.</p> +<p>"Wellander," Dally began again, and in spite of the beating of +his own heart, Keith noticed that the teacher's voice trembled a +little as he spoke. "Will you do me the favour of rising a moment? +You are the boy I have in mind."</p> +<p>Keith rose like an automaton. His eyes clung to the lips of the +teacher, and he seemed to expect from those lips some utterance +that must make his whole future life different. As often happened +in moments of intensified emotion, he became strangely oblivious of +all the little eddies and cross-currents of thoughts and feelings +that made up his ordinary, every-day consciousness of himself.</p> +<p>"For two years I have kept you number two in the class," Dally +said, speaking in an easier tone as if to lighten the strain on +everybody. "You should have been number one. Davidson, whom I +placed above you has at no time been your superior in anything but +self-control. But it was just your--what I have sometimes called +your fuzzy-wuzziness, that made me afraid of placing you where you +rightly belonged, at the head of the class. It is my belief that +you have in you greater gifts than any other boy in this class, but +I am not yet sure of what you will do with them. It was my +eagerness to see you make full use of them that made me poke fun at +you and keep you out of the place that rightfully was yours. +Perhaps I did wrong, but my meaning was right. I shall always watch +you closely, and I hope you will try your best not to disappoint +me. Will you promise that?"</p> +<p>"I will," gasped Keith.</p> +<p>The clock had already struck three. The moment Dally stopped, +the class broke up, but only to gather about Keith--every one of +them except Davidson, who slipped out of the room with a face white +as chalk. Keith caught a glimpse of that face, and a sense of +reckless elation shot through him.</p> +<p>He sped as never before on his way home. It was still impossible +for him to think the matter through. First he must tell his parents +and hear what they had to say about it.</p> +<p>On hearing what had happened, his mother hugged and kissed him, +her face all smiles while big tears dripped down her cheeks. Then +the father came home and was told everything. His mother looked +serious by that time, and Keith noticed a wavering expression in +her voice.</p> +<p>"Your teacher evidently knows you," was the father's first +remark to Keith, but by his tone the boy knew that he was pleased. +Then he hesitated, and after a while he said as if speaking to +himself: "But if Keith really had earned the first place...."</p> +<p>"That's what I have been thinking," the mother broke in with +blazing eyes. "Do you remember what I said about that boy Davidson? +He was the richest boy in the class, and Lector Dahlström +simply did not dare to put Keith above him. Now he is trying to +make up for it when it's too late."</p> +<p>"Perhaps," said the father thoughtfully. "The sum of it is what +I have always said: the coin that was made for a farthing will +never be a dollar."</p> +<p>"But Keith was not made for a farthing," the mother retorted +sharply and indignantly. "That is the main point of what his +teacher confessed in school this very day."</p> +<p>"Well, if not," said the father wearily, "it is up to him to +prove it."</p> +<p>And Keith, too, all of a sudden felt very, very tired.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XII"></a>XII</h2> +<br> +<p>Keith was one of the first to enter the class room on the +morning of Commencement Day. He was still standing near the door +when Davidson appeared and evidently meant to walk past him without +a greeting.</p> +<p>"Say, Davidson," Keith cried impulsively, holding out his hand, +"I don't mind!"</p> +<p>"Well, what do you think I care," the other boy asked icily as +he turned on his heel and walked out of the room again without +taking the proffered hand.</p> +<p>It was the first time that Keith felt the sting of real hatred. +He could never have acted like that--not even toward one who had +wronged him seriously. What galled him most was that he had been +made to look as if he were apologizing. Then a sense of triumph +returned little by little, but it was not very vivid, and what he +missed utterly was the fact that no other situation could have been +quite so hard on Davidson's pride as the one in which Dally had +placed him. A realization of that fact came only years +afterwards.</p> +<p>Then Dally himself arrived, and soon the commencement exercises +were in full progress, Keith feeling quite superior to any +curiosity or excitement. Again he received a prize, and again it +was in the form of money, but a smaller sum not accompanied by any +special encomiums. He walked home very quietly with his parents, +and they had not much to say either.</p> +<p>Had Keith known what an anti-climax was, he would undoubtedly +have used that word to describe the experiences of his second +Commencement Day at Old Mary.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XIII"></a>XIII</h2> +<br> +<p>The summer was spent quietly on the same island where he had +been so happy a year before. Oscar was not there. Other boys took +his place, but no real intimacy sprang up between them and Keith. +They certainly did not talk of love, and what they knew of sex took +Keith back to the days spent around the big rock. He had a good +time on the whole, but more and more a sense of missing something +fretted him, and he could not tell what it was. For emotional +outlet he was wholly dependent on his mother, and though he seemed +as devoted to her as ever, he had queer spells of wishing to get +away from her. The father was more in the background than ever +during the summer. Once in a while he would show up on a weekday +evening very tired, and leave again with the first morning boat. +During the week-end he wanted above all to rest, and Keith was +partly happy and partly unhappy at being left alone.</p> +<p>Once only during that summer did his father appear under +circumstances that impressed themselves on the boy's memory. It was +the day of the annual regatta of the Yacht Club. When the races +were over, the yachts were towed back to the city by a large +steamer, escorted by a whole flotilla of every kind of craft loaded +with sightseers. It was the gala evening of the season. As the +tender twilight of the August night descended on the smooth waters +of the Lake Maelaren, every villa along the shores became brightly +illuminated, while the progress of the fleet was marked by +incessant bursts of fireworks.</p> +<p>The Wellanders had a splendid view from the little platform on +which their cottage stood. Some friends had been invited for the +day, and the father had brought with him from the city a package of +fireworks. But instead of wasting money on sky-rockets or other +expensive pieces, he had concentrated almost wholly on blue and red +lights, which he placed among the trees and over the plateau and +set off in batches, first one colour and then the other. Because +the place was so high up, apart from the rest, and so heavily +wooded, the effect was probably very pretty from the water. Anyhow +a burst of applause was heard from the passing flotilla.</p> +<p>"That's for us," said Keith's father, "and not for those rich +people down by the shore."</p> +<p>As usual when very much pleased, he laughed while speaking so +that it was hard to hear what he said. But Keith heard, and a glow +of pride swelled his chest. It was the crowning climax of a scene +that touched the boy with a sense of joy bordering on pain. +"Beautiful" was a word used repeatedly by the grown-up people about +him. He knew now that beauty was something that turned ordinary +life into a pleasure more keen than could be had out of eating, or +playing, or reading, or getting presents at Christmas even. To this +wonderful thing his father had added a personal triumph in which +the whole family participated. It silenced incipient criticism for +a long time.</p> +<p>Nevertheless there was another side to that self-satisfied +remark of his father, and it also stuck in his memory. Back of the +proud words lay envy and deference, and a suggestion of hopeless +separation. In Keith's mind it became tied up with his memories +from Loth's party, and all of it formed a complex of thought from +which he tried his best to get away--and most of the time +successfully.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XIV"></a>XIV</h2> +<br> +<p>For lack of sufficient accommodations in the over-crowded old +building, one class had to use the assembly hall. To make the many +disadvantages more palatable, this location was presented as an +honour reserved for the class shepherded by the old Rector himself. +Of this "honour" Keith became a participant when the fall term +opened.</p> +<p>There were no desks--only benches without backs. The rest of the +school left with a sense of relief after using them only during the +fifteen minutes of morning prayer. To sit on them hours at a +stretch turned the day into torture before it was half done. The +only way of resting was to bend far forward with humped back, and +no sooner did the Rector discover a boy in that position than he +descended on the sinner:</p> +<p>"Straight in the back, boy! What do you think you are--an old +hag sorting rags?"</p> +<p>No attempt was made to arrange the boys according to merit. On +the first day every one chose a seat to suit himself, and so Keith +found himself number five without knowing how it had happened. +Number four was a boy of his own size and age named George Murray, +who seemed to be as friendless as was Keith.</p> +<p>Instead of one teacher, they had a dozen at least, few of whom +gave instruction in more than a single subject. It smacked of +university and made the boys feel much advanced. The curriculum +showed an imposing array of new subjects--Latin, French, universal +history, physics, chemistry, and so on. Their novelty caught and +carried Keith for a good while.</p> +<p>Latin was still the most important study of all. It was taught +by the Rector himself, who worshipped everything classic with a +religious devotion and who maintained in so many words that a man's +culture was measured by his mastery of the Roman tongue. In the +lower grades it had been spoken of with bated breath. Keith had +looked forward to the first lesson with trembling impatience. He +plunged into the declination of <i>mensa</i> with the fervour of a +convert. He translated the text-book's <i>colomba est timida</i> +with a sense of performing a sacred rite. Days went by before he +dared to admit to himself that his interest was waning,</p> +<p>Even then he went on studying without a thought of rebellion. +The habit of application had become deeply rooted. The pride born +out of his first easy successes still had urged him to master any +subject offered. But there was a change in his manner of studying +as well as in his general attitude toward the school. Until then he +had been an acolyte in sacred precincts. Now he turned gradually +into a time-server doing his duty out of vanity and a desire to +remain a public school pupil. Until then he had never felt that he +had to study. Now fear of the old Rector and of his father entered +more and more as conscious motives.</p> +<p>He missed the kind guidance of Dally. The Rector never became +the soul and guardian of the class in the manner of Dally. The +other teachers came and went without other interest than to insure +a decent showing in their respective subjects. All had favourites +chosen from those pupils who showed most aptitude for mathematics, +natural history or whatever it happened to be. No one was +interested in the class as a whole, and no one cared for its +individual members as human beings in the make. Within a short time +Keith was simply drifting, although neither he nor those appointed +to guide him were aware of it at the time.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XV"></a>XV</h2> +<br> +<p>Keith took a liking to George Murray from the start. During the +first couple of days he looked at him frequently as if to invite +acquaintance, but the other boy always appeared deeply attentive to +the subject of the hour. During the pauses he withdrew into a +corner as if to forestall possible advances. At the end of the +second day Keith and Murray reached the stairway simultaneously and +started for the street side by side. Murray's pale, aristocratic +and very narrow face with unduly prominent teeth still bore a look +of indifference, but his attitude had lost a little of its previous +stiffness.</p> +<p>"Where do you live," Keith ventured with for him rare +forwardness.</p> +<p>"On the Quay," replied Murray in a voice that neither encouraged +nor discouraged.</p> +<p>"Where," asked Keith eagerly.</p> +<p>"Corner of St. John's Lane."</p> +<p>"That's my corner," cried Keith. "I live in the lane, and we +have the same way home."</p> +<p>"All right," was Murray's only answer, which Keith accepted in +the affirmative.</p> +<p>Little more was said until they reached the top of the hill +above Carl Johan Square, when Keith explained that he always kept +to the left along the shore of Lake Maelaren.</p> +<p>"I always take the other way," rejoined Murray, suiting his +actions to his words.</p> +<p>"All right," said Keith in his turn, going along toward the +saltwater side of the harbour as if it had been the route of his +own choice. They stopped for a moment to watch the sloops in the +fish market loaded almost to the point of foundering with live +fish. Further out a number of large sailing vessels rode at anchor. +Still further away, where the southern shore drew close to the +point of the island with the turreted red fort, a big black steamer +was seen slowly creeping toward its landing place at the Quay. For +a moment Murray studied it intently, shading his eyes in sailor +fashion to see better.</p> +<p>"That's one of our steamers," he said at last.</p> +<p>"Do you mean you own it," gasped Keith incredulously.</p> +<p>"The company does," explained Murray.</p> +<p>"Which company?"</p> +<p>"The one of which my father is managing director."</p> +<p>"Are there many of them," Keith asked to be polite. It sounded +too much like a fairy tale.</p> +<p>"Seven," replied Murray casually. "They are all painted black +and sail on foreign ports."</p> +<p>"Did you ever travel on one," inquired Keith with something like +awe in his voice.</p> +<p>"Yes," said the slim youngster by his side as if it had been the +most natural thing in the world. "Many times, as far as the pilot +station, with papa. And last summer he took me along on a real +journey to England. That's where our family comes from, and we were +gone three whole weeks."</p> +<p>"Were you scared," Keith asked almost in a whisper.</p> +<p>"No." Murray shook his head with quick assurance. "That is, not +much. We had a storm in the North Sea coming back, but papa said it +was nothing to be afraid of, and for a while I was too sick to +care."</p> +<p>"Sick!" Keith echoed. "And were you not awfully scared?"</p> +<p>"No," Murray insisted, looking rather pleased. "Not much."</p> +<p>Keith was too overwhelmed to ask more questions just then. The +rest of the way home was traversed in silence. At the corner of the +lane they parted with a mutual nod. Then Keith bolted up the lane +and up the three nights of stairs. Entering the kitchen +breathlessly, he yelled out with his cap still on his head: "I +walked home with Murray who lives at the corner and whose papa owns +seven ships and who sits next to me in the class."</p> +<p>"Little boys should be civil," suggested Granny with a glance at +the cap. "And they should also remember that equals make the best +playmates, and that all is not gold that glistens."</p> +<p>"Oh, he's my equal," Keith declared triumphantly.</p> +<p>"With plenty to spare," retorted Granny. "But are you his?"</p> +<p>It made Keith walk home alone the next day, and as he shuffled +along listlessly, the almost obliterated memory of Harald came back +to him.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XVI"></a>XVI</h2> +<br> +<p>The attraction had been established, however--on one side at +least--and it would not let itself be smothered. Nor did Keith make +any strong effort in that direction. It was not his way. He found +it as hard to abstain from what gave him pleasure for the moment as +to bear whatever seemed unpleasant or painful.</p> +<p>Murray made no approaches of any kind, but he did not resist. +His acceptance of Keith's friendship was purely passive, and there +was always a limit to it. At first they simply walked home together +from school. Of course, they sat side by side during the lessons, +but Murray gave his whole attention to the teacher or to his book. +If Keith tried to whisper to him, Murray merely frowned at him. +During the pauses they were often together, chatting or playing, +but it could also happen that Murray chose to mix with some group +of fellow pupils in such a manner that Keith could not get near to +him. Sometimes Keith would then also join them. More often he would +hover on the outskirts in a state of utter misery.</p> +<p>Even when the school closed for the day, it depended entirely on +Keith if they were to have company home. Murray never waited. If +Keith was not in sight when he reached the street, he went right +on. Several times Keith had to run several blocks to overtake his +friend.</p> +<p>"Why couldn't you wait a minute for me," he asked when he had +recovered his breath after one of those pursuits.</p> +<p>"Oh, that's so silly," was Murray's only reply, and a repetition +of the question on two or three subsequent occasions brought no +more satisfactory response. Keith did not press the matter beyond +that point and uttered no protest at Murray's real or assumed +indifference.</p> +<p>Until then Keith had always taken East Long Street on his way to +school in the morning. Now he turned invariably down the lane to +the Quay. On reaching the corner, he took a long look at the corner +house where Murray lived. Two mornings he saw no one and walked on. +The third morning Murray happened to appear just as Keith reached +the corner. After that Keith waited for his friend, and they walked +together to as well as from school. Having waited very long one +morning and fearing that his friend had passed already, Keith +ventured into the house, when he caught sight of Murray coming out +of a door reached by a little spur of the main stairway.</p> +<p>"Is that where you live," asked Keith.</p> +<p>"That's the kitchen door," said Murray. "Our main entrance is in +front on the landing above. It's quicker for me to get out this way +in the morning, and I don't have to disturb anybody."</p> +<p>A few mornings later, Murray was late again, and Keith after +long hesitation walked up to the kitchen door and knocked. A +pleasant-faced serving girl opened.</p> +<p>"Oh, you are the little fellow who waits for George every +morning," she said with a smile. "Come in and wait here. He'll be +ready in a moment."</p> +<p>After that Keith went straight up to the kitchen every morning. +It was a room as large as a hall, shiningly clean, and well +furnished as a dining and living-room for the three women serving +there. Keith became quite familiar with it, but he always remained +by the door, and he always felt that he ought not to be there. Yet +he could no more resist going there than he could stop breathing, +it seemed.</p> +<p>That kitchen was the only part of Murray's home he ever saw. He +never caught a glimpse even of his friend's mother, who evidently +was a very exclusive lady. Two or three times he saw Murray on the +street after school hours in company with a tall, portly and +handsome gentleman, whom he took to be the father. Later his guess +was confirmed, but Murray never showed any inclination to let his +parents become aware of Keith's existence.</p> +<p>For a long while this did not matter to Keith. In fact, he was +not aware of anything but his own devotion. Murray's willingness to +accept it only when nothing else was in sight did not bother him. +He had found some one to worship at last, and he gave himself to +that feeling with an abandon that knew of no reserves and that +asked no questions. He looked up to the other boy as, in ages long +gone by, a faithful vassal used to look up to his liege lord. And +it seemed only meet that such a superior being as Murray should +bestow or withhold his favour in accordance with his own sweet +pleasure.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XVII"></a>XVII</h2> +<br> +<p>Keith had just parted from his chum at the corner of the lane +one afternoon, when he caught sight of Johan near the big back door +of the house opposite the one where Murray lived.</p> +<p>"What are you doing," he said without much enthusiasm.</p> +<p>Johan beckoned mysteriously and would not say a word until he +had got Keith into the shadow of the huge gateway leading to the +paved yard in the rear of the house.</p> +<p>"Can't you come on," he cried impatiently at last "I don't want +mumsey to see me."</p> +<p>When both were hidden from the kitchen window through which Fru +Gustafsson used to keep a religiously preoccupied eye on the doings +of her son, Johan pulled a cigarette from within his coat sleeve +and a match from his pocket. Then he scratched the match on the +seat of his pants and lit the cigarette with the air of a man who +knows what is bliss. Keith watched him with feelings too confused +for expression.</p> +<p>"What would your mamma say if she saw you," he asked at last, +instinctively dropping his voice to a whisper.</p> +<p>"She'd tell popsey," Johan rejoined promptly, "and I'd get +another licking. But it's worth it."</p> +<p>There was a long pause during which Keith watched his old +playmate's unmistakable enjoyment with a mixture of consternation +and admiration, of envy and resentment.</p> +<p>"I have got another," said Johan after a while. "Try it."</p> +<p>Keith shook his head. He was on the verge of saying that "mamma +won't let me," but checked himself in time as he recalled the +results of an earlier use of that too truthful explanation.</p> +<p>"Murray wouldn't smoke," he ventured after another pause.</p> +<p>"Him up there, you mean," inquired Johan with a gesture of his +thumb toward the house across the lane, Of course, he wouldn't. +He's a miss."</p> +<p>"He is not," Keith cried passionately.</p> +<p>"And he's a stiff, too," Johan went on without any particular +display of feeling. "And you're a fool, that's all."</p> +<p>There was a coolness between them.</p> +<p>"I think mamma is waiting for me," remarked Keith as he started +to walk off.</p> +<p>"Of course she is waiting for her baby," Johan retorted with a +leer.</p> +<p>Keith stopped and thought. Murray would fight for a thing like +that, he said to himself. Or would he? Without having reached a +decision Keith made for his own house, trying to look as if Johan +didn't exist.</p> +<p>"He has no real use for you, and you'll find it out," was +Johan's parting shot.</p> +<p>Keith was suddenly struck with the coarseness of Johan's manners +and speech. He was making comparisons in his mind, and as a result +the image of Murray seemed more resplendent than ever.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XVIII"></a>XVIII</h2> +<br> +<p>"Did you ever try to smoke," he asked Murray next morning.</p> +<p>"No," was the disdainful reply. "I know papa wouldn't like it, +and it's nasty anyhow."</p> +<p>"How do you know," wondered Keith.</p> +<p>"Because I know," rejoined Murray. It was a way he had, and it +always settled the matter. A cold, tired look would appear on his +face if Keith tried to press a subject after such an answer, and +before that look Keith quailed.</p> +<p>His state was hopeless. He accepted as law whatever his friend +said or did. And although their friendship, such as it was, lasted +only two years, Keith did not take up smoking until he was in camp +as a conscript at the age of twenty.</p> +<p>In school it was the same. And the fact that Murray attended to +his studies with scrupulous exactness was probably one of the +factors that helped Keith through the grade without any loss of +standing as a scholar.</p> +<p>Like Loth, Murray had mildly artistic leanings, and because he +liked to draw and to sing, Keith, too, had to join in those +studies, although both were elective, and although the singing +classes twice a week consumed one of the two precious lunch hours +that otherwise could be used so profitably for play or study. Keith +had neither aptitude nor interest for draftsmanship, being +curiously set toward the written word. He would have liked to sing +well, as he had noticed that boys having a good voice were always +popular and received a lot of flattering attention. But his ear was +so poor that for a while it looked as if he would not even be +admitted to the singing practices. His persistence prevailed in the +end, and when he and Murray stood side by side, using the same +song-book while practicing some brave old student song, he felt as +much happiness as ever fell to his share in those days.</p> +<p>They had common hours in gymnastics, too, but they were +compulsory three times a week, and Murray took them as a duty +rather than a pleasure. Keith them on the whole, and unlike most of +the other boys, he preferred the slow routine of the setting-up +exercises to the more athletic features. While he never consciously +realized the cause of that preference at the time, it would not +have been difficult for a fairly intelligent observer to discover +it.</p> +<p>Keith was still one of the smallest boys in the school utterly +lacking any physical superiority, although he was in excellent +health and never had experienced a single one of the ailments that +commonly dodge the steps of childhood. He could not shine in +jumping or leaping or climbing, but in the drill his painstaking +attention placed him on a par with everybody else. It was his one +chance of feeling himself the physical equal of his schoolmates, +and it was the only field of common endeavour outside the lessons +where he was not made to feel his own inferiority.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XIX"></a>XIX</h2> +<br> +<p>The insufficiency of one room as a living place for three +persons had long been evident. Keith was in his twelfth year, and +he still slept on the chaiselongue opposite his father's and +mother's bed. He had ceased to pretend that the corner between the +window and his mother's bureau could possibly be considered a +satisfactory "play-room." Then a tenant who had lived with them +quite a while left, and the parlour became unexpectedly vacant. +Keith revelled in the free use of it, and his mother talked +seriously of not renting it again, but the father insisted that +they could not afford to keep it for themselves.</p> +<p>Then Keith's mother had a bright idea. She inserted an +advertisement offering a home and "as good as parental care" to a +boy from the country for the school season. An answer was received, +negotiations progressed favourably, and soon Albert Mendelius, the +son of a minister, was installed in the parlour with understanding +that his use of it was exclusive only at night. In the daytime it +was common ground for both boys, and Keith did his studying in +there, but he continued to sleep on the chaiselongue.</p> +<p>The boys got on very well together, and yet no real friendship +sprang up between them. Albert, who attended a different school, +had his own associates, and Keith could not take much of his mind +off Murray. It made a great improvement in Keith's living +conditions, however, and he hoped it would last.</p> +<p>When Albert went home to celebrate Christmas, Keith was asked to +pay him a visit after the holidays. This invitation became still +more attractive when Keith received a fine pair of skates for a +Christmas present. He had never seen the country in winter, and the +impression it made on him was a little startling. The sight of the +dark pines against the white carpet of the snow filled him with a +mystic longing so strong that it almost frightened him. When he and +Albert put on their skates and stretched out at full speed across +the lake that spread its floor of dark glass within a stone's throw +of the vicarage, he had a sense of never having lived before. The +spaciousness of the house and the pleasant evenings spent cracking +nuts and eating apples in front of the blazing fire-place were also +revelations that filled his mind with many new thoughts. Why was +his own home not like this?</p> +<p>The boys went back to Stockholm together, but before they +started, Keith learned that Albert was going elsewhere to live. An +aunt of his had offered to take him in for the rest of the +season.</p> +<p>"And, of course," said Albert's mother apologetically, "when you +can be with your own kin, it is better you know."</p> +<p>Keith wondered a little. On his return home, his mother said +indignantly that she supposed their humble home had not been found +good enough. A few weeks later the parlour was rented in the old +way to a gentle-looking young man with very pink cheeks who coughed +a good deal.</p> +<p>And Keith once more found himself restricted to the living-room +for all the time spent at home.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XX"></a>XX</h2> +<br> +<p>Keith had been home for lunch and was on the way back to the +school. He was alone. Murray was in bed with some slight +ailment.</p> +<p>It was in January, a cold but brilliant day. The streets were +covered with deep snow. Everything that usually moved on wheels was +now on runners. As runners make no noise and the sound of the hoofs +was deadened by the snow, every horse carried a bell, and some of +them had a whole little chime. The bright sunlight on the white +snow and the tinkling of all those bells made a stimulating +combination, and people hurried along with smiling faces, although +they had to rub their noses and cheeks frequently to keep them from +freezing.</p> +<p>Keith was never sensitive about his face, but his hands were +buried deeply in his coat pockets. His schoolbooks were tied up in +a leather thong and slung over his shoulder like a knapsack.</p> +<p>At the Sluice he stopped and looked long at the people skating +merrily on the rinks down on the ice of the lake between the Corn +Harbour and the railway bridge. A number of boys near his own age +were among the rest having a good time. Many of the boys brought +their skates to school and never went home for lunch, but just ate +a couple of sandwiches in order to spend as much as possible of the +noonday pause on the ice. Keith had asked permission to do the +same, but the refusal had been peremptory. The fact was that he was +granted little or no chance to use his new skates. Once in a while +he got leave, after begging long and hard, to run over to the rinks +at the New Bridge Harbour, in the North End, for a brief while in +the late afternoon. Most of the time even that scant leave was +denied him. To his mother's general disinclination to let him out +of sight was added her dread that he might fall into the water and +get drowned. He promised by everything sacred that he would not +leave the rink, which she ought to know was perfectly safe, but her +morbid fears would not listen to reason. More and more he was +beginning to give up asking even. The disappointment of a refusal +was too bitter to be borne often.</p> +<p>As he stood leaning against the bridge railings, his eyes +strayed farther and farther along the surface of the lake, which +lay frozen as far out as he could see. There were rinks on the +other side of the railway bridge, too, and here and there he +noticed isolated black figures gliding along the unswept spaces +outside the rinks. Suddenly he caught sight of a large gathering of +people very far out. They were moving slowly toward the shore, and +evidently they were held together by some common purpose. He +wondered what they could be doing out there, far beyond the last +rink, but the distance was too great to give him any basis for +speculation.</p> +<p>After a while he had to leave in order not to be late. He had +almost reached the school when he was overtaken by a boy from the +English section of his own grade, about whom he knew nothing but +that his name was Bergman.</p> +<p>"Have you heard," cried Bergman when he was still several steps +behind, although he and Keith had never exchanged a word before. +Keith turned in surprise.</p> +<p>"Three boys were drowned skating during the lunch hours," +continued Bergman breathlessly. "Two were in my class--Hill and +Samson, you know. The third, Dahlin, was in your own class."</p> +<p>"Is Dahlin dead?" asked Keith blankly. The thing seemed +impossible to him. He had been talking to Dahlin that very +morning--a tall boy, slow, self-possessed, older than most of the +other pupils, and advanced for his age in everything but +studies.</p> +<p>"He is," said Bergman with emphasis. "And so are the other two. +They are dragging for the bodies now."</p> +<p>So that was what I saw those people doing out there, Keith +thought.</p> +<p>"Little Moses was with them," Bergman ran on. "The Jew, you +know. We've always thought him a coward. And he nearly went down, +too, trying to save them."</p> +<p>By that time they were separating at the door to Bergman's +classroom. On entering his own class, Keith found it in a state of +unexampled though subdued excitement. The boys were gathered in +groups which constantly shifted membership. Every one spoke in a +whisper. Reports and rumours of the most fantastic kind passed from +group to group, giving rise to fierce discussions. Six boys had +been drowned instead of three, some one asserted. In another minute +they heard that no one had been lost. Most credence was given to a +circumstantial report of the miraculous recovery of Dahlin after he +had been fully fifteen minutes under water. His big sealskin cap, +they said, had become stuck over his face as he went under, so that +the water could not choke him.</p> +<p>Keith was among the most excited for a while, running eagerly +from group to group and telling what he had heard from Bergman, who +evidently had the very latest news. Soon, however, his mood +changed, and he retired quickly to his own seat. There he sat by +himself, his elbows on his knees and his face resting in his hands. +A stupor had descended on his mind. The whole thing seemed so +incredible. He could not grasp it. Those boys, who had been right +among them only a few hours ago, would never appear again. There +would be a funeral, and then they would never be heard of again. +Tears broke into his eyes. He choked with a vague sense of pity. +Samson, he knew, was the only son of a poor widow. Hill's mother +was very sick, some one had said. And Dahlin....</p> +<p>Keith instinctively raised his head to look at the place which +Dahlin had occupied that very morning. What did it mean ...?</p> +<p>At that moment the Rector entered, long overdue to give them an +hour in Latin--an hour of which a goodly part already was gone. The +boys dropped into their seats. A murmur of expectation passed +through the class. Every eye was on the Rector's face which seemed +to twitch in a peculiar fashion.</p> +<p>"The school has suffered a terrible loss," he said at last, his +voice sounding very hoarse. "There is only one thing we can +do--work! Will <i>primus</i> please begin translating from the top +of the twenty-second page, where we left off yesterday."</p> +<p>The boys stared at him, but no one dared to speak. They knew +there was no escape, and they tried to fix their attention on the +books. Keith saw before him a blurred page full of dancing letters. +<i>Primus</i> stumbled and blundered. He was followed by +<i>secundus</i> and <i>tertius</i>. Keith had recovered a little by +that time, and he knew they were making mistakes that ordinarily +would have called forth a storm of reproof from the Rector. Now he +paid no attention, but merely repeated:</p> +<p>"Go on--go on!"</p> +<p>At last the lesson came to an end, and then they were dismissed +for the day.</p> +<p>On his way home Keith's thoughts ran in a futile circle around +the day's event. If they had never left the rink ... if they had +been saved ... if the story about Dahlin could have been +true....</p> +<p>Always his thoughts returned to the same point: the strangeness +of the fact that those boys would never appear again. At no moment, +however, did it occur to him that the same thing might have +happened to himself--or might happen some time in the future. He +was Keith Wellander, to whom such things never happened.</p> +<p>He was nearly home when he suddenly stopped in the middle of +East Long Street and said to himself:</p> +<p>"Now I suppose I'll <i>never</i> get leave to go skating +again."</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XXI"></a>XXI</h2> +<br> +<p>Among other new duties that accompanied Keith's entrance into +the fourth grade was church-going. Until then he had known little +about public worship beyond what he observed during two or three +attendances of Yule Matins, that was almost like going to a party. +The rule of the school was that all pupils in the higher grades who +not going to church with their parents elsewhere must attend +services with their respective classes every other Sunday at the +Church of St. Mary Magdalene.</p> +<p>Judging by the number of boys who turned up, the percentage of +church-goers among the parents must have been very small. Keith's +father went to communion once a year. That was all. The mother went +a little oftener, but as a rule something else turned up about the +time she ought to start, and so she stayed home and read a chapter +in some Lutheran postil instead. Keith thought little of that kind +of books. He had tried them and found them dull beyond +endurance.</p> +<p>"Do you really like reading that stuff," he said to his mother +one Sunday.</p> +<p>"Keith!" she protested sternly. Then she continued more mildly: +"It is not a question of like or dislike, my boy, but of saving +your soul by humbling it before the Lord."</p> +<p>"Can you do that by reading," asked Keith innocently.</p> +<p>"N-no ... not exactly," his mother hesitated. But you can.... +Oh, I know I ought to be in church instead of sitting here, but I +am such a weak vessel, and I am sure that the Lord will understand +and forgive me."</p> +<p>"Well, then you don't need to worry, mamma," said Keith +consolingly, stirred as always by the appearance of an emotional +note in her voice.</p> +<p>"We should always worry," she rejoined very gently, "because we +are all sinners and we have a chance only by His mercy. But I don't +believe in a hell, whatever they say, and I don't want you, Keith, +to pay any attention to anything of that kind they may teach +you."</p> +<p>"But why do they teach it then," asked Keith, his logic +alert.</p> +<p>"Because ... it's a long story, and you will understand it some +day. Now I want to finish my chapter, or I won't be able to do so +before dinner is ready."</p> +<p>Keith would have liked to ask more, but what concerned him was +the apparent contradiction in his mother's words rather than the +subject of religion itself. His main impression of religion so far +was that it was something very tedious to which grown-up people +submitted for some mysterious reason never really revealed to +children. And this impression was abundantly confirmed by his +subsequent experiences in the prudishly ugly precincts of St. Mary +Magdalene.</p> +<p>Seats were reserved in one of the side galleries for the pupils +from Old Mary. Two teachers sat in one of the front pews, so that +they could look down into the church. Aspiring youngsters who +wanted to make sure of good marks were apt to look upon the same +pews with special favour. The rest of the boys wanted to sit as far +back as possible, where they could whisper, and show each other +pictures, and eat candy without too much danger of being +discovered. These pursuits brought no relief to Keith, partly +because he possessed neither pictures nor candy, being always very +shy of pocket money, and partly because either fear or some sort of +pride made him draw back from engaging in any sort of mischief +behind the teacher's back.</p> +<p>The hymn singing was not without a certain enjoyment. The +slowness of the tempo made it possible for Keith to keep in tune by +leaning very close to the boy sitting next to him. Even the reading +of the gospels and other recurring features of the service could be +borne. But when the sermon began, Keith fell into sheer agony. The +other boys seemed capable of letting the words of the preacher drop +off them as water drops off the oily feathers of a water-fowl. But +one of Keith's characteristics was that he had to listen to +anything said loudly enough in his presence. For him there was no +escape. Through an endless hour, that sometimes would verge on the +five quarters, he had to sit there and take in every word of a +long-winded, moralistic discourse dealing in forbidding terms with +things that left his brain as untouched as if they had been uttered +in a strange tongue. He had a sense of warnings and threats that +seemed to connect with what his mother had asked him not to heed. +He was told to believe, but he could not make out what it was he +should believe--unless it was the Small Catechism, and that had +always left his mind a perfect blank although he knew it by heart +from the first page to the last.</p> +<p>When at last the ordeal was over, he rushed away with a sense of +relief that was marred by the thought of the same thing happening +two weeks later. It was the only feature of his schooling that left +behind an actual sense of grievance which the passing years could +not mollify.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XXII"></a>XXII</h2> +<br> +<p>A little before commencement the whole school was stirred by +important news. A reorganization of the entire school system was in +progress, and one result of it was the merger of the old +<i>gymnasium</i> or high school on Knight's Island with Old Mary +and the expansion of the latter to nine grades under the new name +of St. Mary's Higher Latin School. A building across the street had +already been acquired for the four new grades, and a new rector of +higher rank was to take charge in the fall.</p> +<p>"It means that we'll stay right here until we go to the +university," one of Keith's classmates explained in a tone implying +that it must make quite a difference to their lives. Then he asked +suddenly: "You'll go on to the university, Wellander, won't +you--you with your brilliant mind?"</p> +<p>Keith looked at him in dumb astonishment. In spite of his two +prizes, it was so strange to be called brilliant. And then the +question of going to the university had been raised. Until then he +had really never given a thought to it. And the question of cost +leaped into his mind. He was beginning to learn at last that money +was needed for a number of things you liked to do. Would it cost +much, and could his father afford to pay that much, and, most +important of all, would his father consent to pay it? Those were +novel questions--and as he did so often when faced by something +unpleasant or disturbing, so, now again, he pushed them aside, fled +from them, refused to have anything to do with them. There were +still five grades between him and that threateningly attractive +possibility, the student's white cap.</p> +<p>"I don't know," he said at last, being a truthful fool in most +matters, "I have not asked papa yet."</p> +<p>And there was a smile on the other boy's face which Keith +disliked without guessing the significance of it.</p> +<p>Commencement brought him a prize again--a German dictionary just +like the one Krass got when Keith carried off the highest prize in +school after thinking himself ignominiously passed by. Of course, a +prize was a prize, but--and he thought his father looked rather +disappointed when he heard of it.</p> +<p>However, George Murray also received a book, and It was no +better than Keith's, although Murray professed to see a great +difference between a German Dictionary and a Latin Classic.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="III_XXIII"></a>XXIII</h2> +<br> +<p>Murray was going off with his family to their private summer +residence in the archipelago outside of Stockholm and Keith +gathered that it must be a very magnificent place. The Wellanders +didn't go to the country at all. Keith's mother had a very bad +period again, full of worry and depression. The summer dragged +along joylessly, and Keith had to fall back on Johan's company in +so far as he could obtain it. But Johan was getting very +independent. He had plenty of other acquaintances, and what Keith +saw of them made him deem it wiser not to mention them at all to +his mother. He was gradually learning discretion of a kind.</p> +<p>He read a good deal, and he was beginning to make unauthorized +visits to his father's bookcase in the parlour. There he had +discovered certain volumes by one Jules Verne, and if he could only +have plunged freely into these, the summer might have proved quite +bearable. One day when he could not get at the books, and his mood +was more than usually fretful, and his mother seemed at her lowest, +she suddenly turned on him and said in a strangely bitter tone:</p> +<p>"All I have to go through now is your fault, Keith."</p> +<p>"Why," he asked dumbly, staring at her.</p> +<p>"Because when you came into the world you hurt me so much that I +have never been well since."</p> +<p>"How," he demanded, and as he spoke an idea flashed through his +mind that his mother might not be knowing what she said. Just how +such a thing could happen was still a mystery to him, but what she +said sounded so absurdly impossible.</p> +<p>At that moment her mood suddenly changed.</p> +<p>"There is one thing I have never told you. But for my being made +so sick when you were born, you would have had a little brother, +and you would not have been so lonesome, and perhaps everything +would have been better. But he was born dead. And now I have no one +but you, and I shall have no one else, and you are everything to +me, and you must love me very much and never leave me."</p> +<p>Her arms were about him, and she was crying. And soon both felt +better. But Keith had heard things he could not forget. And there +was food in them for a summer's thought.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h1><a name="PART_IV"></a>PART IV</h1> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_I"></a>I</h2> +<br> +<p>Form the very start the fifth grade was a disappointment. Once +Keith, like all the rest of the smaller boys, had looked up to it +with awe-stricken yearnings as to a peak that only a few fortunate +few could hope to climb. It was then the top of the school. Its +pupils were revered seniors--olympians tarrying momentarily among +ordinary mortals before they took flight for the exalted regions +where they really belonged. All this had been changed by the +reorganization. The fifth grade now was merely a continuation of +the fourth and a stepping stone to the sixth. And Keith's class was +the first one to miss the honours of which successive generations +had dreamed as far back as the school had existed. It was a thing +no one had considered when the great news was passed around in the +spring. Now it was brought home to those most nearly concerned with +that poignancy of realization of which only youth is capable. It +gave to the whole class a peculiar atmosphere as if it had been +marked in advance for defeat. The teachers seemed to feel it, too, +and especially the old Rector, who, after so many years of supreme +command, suddenly found himself reduced to a subordinate +position.</p> +<p>Keith felt robbed like the rest. And like them, he felt that the +instruction had become a mere humdrum routine enabling a certain +number of boys to get the proper marks at the end of a certain +number of months. What had lured him on as an adventure had turned +into a tedious grind. And more and more he drifted back into a +dream world of his own out of which he had been dragged by Dally's +good-humoured jibes. And yet, what could he expect? Had not Dally +even, his best friend in the whole school, cheated him of the +honour he had rightfully earned--an honour that, once lost, could +never be recovered?</p> +<p>The subjects, on the whole, were the same as in the previous +grade. You simply went further into them--that was all. The +teachers were the same, and the relationships once established +between them and the boys remained the same, for good or bad. Every +one knew what to expect, on both sides, and no one quite escaped +from the resulting sense of staleness.</p> +<p>The old Rector went on cramming the class with Latin grammar. He +had a way of making some poor stumbler conjugate the same verb +fifteen to twenty times in succession, so that the correct sequence +might never again escape his memory. And as the red-faced sinner +stammered out the tenses, the Rector would make a tube of his left +hand into which he poked his right thumb. This gesture was always +accompanied by the same mocking remark:</p> +<p>"That's the way to stuff sausages!"</p> +<p>His language grew more picturesque and unrestrained every day. +He belonged distinctly to an older and less circumspect generation, +and he was a good deal of an eccentric besides. His heart was of +gold, and no one ever took the pedagogue's mission more seriously, +but whatever he possessed of refinement went into his appreciation +of the language that was his life's passion. When he spoke Swedish, +he called a spade a spade in a manner that gave Keith shock after +shock. Always rather given to a certain aristocratic exclusiveness +in his speech, Keith had through his association with Murray become +something of a prude in this respect. He could still descend to +obscenities when his "manliness" had to be proved, but vulgarity +repelled him irresistibly.</p> +<p>Until then he had never dreamt of questioning any authority. +Even at this juncture he obeyed directions explicity and maintained +on the whole his reputation as a good pupil. But a tendency to +criticism was growing within him, and from the men who taught him +it began gradually to pass to the subjects taught. There came a day +when the truth could no longer be evaded: he was bored most of the +time. And the result was that he grew more and more listless.</p> +<p>If asked, Keith could not have told what was wrong. In fact, it +is not at all certain that he would have admitted that anything was +wrong. No rebellious stirrings had yet found tangible form within +him.</p> +<p>He had to learn long lists of foreign kings that had been dead +for ages. He was even expected to know when each king ascended his +throne and left it. He had to learn mathematic formulas and +grammatic rules. And on the heels of each rule hung at least a +dozen exceptions. It was impossible to tell which were of greater +importance, the rules or the exceptions. He had also to learn the +exact number of pistils and stamens possessed by every flower +likely to be found in the vicinity of the Swedish capital. The same +thing happened in every subject embraced by the curriculum. There +was no end to it. Yet he did not rebel. Every one knew that there +was no other way of teaching things, so what was the use of +rebelling?</p> +<p>His memory was good, although tricky. In a case of aroused +interest he could absorb an astonishing number of dates, or +figures, or lines of poetry, at first glance or hearing. But he +could also drop them as if he had never heard of them the moment +his interest was gone. And they always seemed to drop out of sight +when he left school and returned home. That word interest seemed to +give the key to the situation. And all sorts of vague and queer and +inexplicable things within himself determined whether he was to be +interested or not. It was not a question of choice or will. He was +or was not.</p> +<p>Facts as facts did not interest him at all. Even things as +things did not necessarily, though they might. The class made +excursions into the fields and woods framing the capital, and under +the guidance of their teacher of botany they observed and analysed +all sorts of living flowers. Keith was delighted to get out and +charmed with the flowers, but the facts about them pointed out by +the teacher left him profoundly unmoved. They had exciting little +experiments in chemistry, and Keith effervesced with the rest, but +nothing of what he saw brought him more than a momentary +diversion.</p> +<p>All those things left his own real life untouched. And yet he +was not merely looking for fairy tales and adventures. His mind +already was hungry for something else. He found it often in the +books he read at home, many of which had been borrowed from the +school library. Not facts--but how different sorts of facts hung +together, so to speak. The school ought to tell him, and sometimes +he had an uneasy feeling that the teachers were trying to tell him +this very thing. But they failed somehow, and the farther he +advanced, the more exasperating that failure became.</p> +<p>He was in his thirteenth year, and he was no longer certain that +he cared to study. But reading was still his dominant +passion--reading and George Murray.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_II"></a>II</h2> +<br> +<p>Relations with Murray had been resumed on the old basis. Day +after day they walked to and from school together, and hardly ever +was their friendship disturbed by a misunderstanding. In school, +too, they spent a good deal of time in each other's company, and +they continued to sit side by side. Being so much seen together, +they gradually came to be known as "the twins," which pleased Keith +tremendously. But once they had parted for the day at the corner of +the Quay and the lane, there was no more communication between +them. And no matter what Keith said or did, he could never persuade +his friend to break that rule.</p> +<p>Then Murray's birthday came along, and he told Keith quite +casually that his mother had promised to let him have a party and +invite five of his schoolmates.</p> +<p>"Will you ask me," Keith blurted out, his eyes shining with +eagerness.</p> +<p>"I don't know," said Murray guardedly.</p> +<p>"But I am your best friend in school," Keith protested.</p> +<p>"It depends on mamma," Murray explained, and his voice lacked a +little of its customary complacency.</p> +<p>"Of course, I should like to have you," he added after a pause, +but his words carried no conviction.</p> +<p>Keith was too hard hit to say a word.</p> +<p>A couple of days later, on their way home from school, Murray +said unexpectedly that he and his mother had looked over the school +catalogue the night before, and that his mother had picked the five +boys whom he was to invite. And he started to name them. The first +name was that of Brockert, a boy in their own class.</p> +<p>"But I have never seen you speak to him," Keith interrupted +him.</p> +<p>"He is a very fine boy and comes of excellent family," Murray +retorted. Then he enumerated the other four. Only one of them +besides Brockert belonged to their own class.</p> +<p>Little as Keith knew about most of the boys in school, he +realized that all the prospective guests had three things in +common: they were good scholars, poor, and yet of good families. +One had a <i>von</i> in front of his name. Brockert, too, had some +sort of claim to nobility, although it was said that his mother +earned a living for herself and him by working as a seamstress and +the boy was known to pay for his own tuition by tutoring backward +sons of rich families in the lower grades.</p> +<p>Keith tried to look unconcerned. Fortunately they were near +home, and soon he could get away by himself. It has to be admitted +that he cried. And in the end he told his mother, who tried to make +him promise never to speak to Murray again.</p> +<p>"But we're side partners in the class," said Keith, still +sobbing.</p> +<p>There was a certain stiffness between him and Murray during the +next few days, but they kept company to and from school as usual. +Not until the morning after the party did it occur to Keith that +his pride demanded some kind of demonstration.</p> +<p>That morning he meant to keep away from his friend. He stayed at +home longer than usual on purpose. Finally he grew afraid of being +late and tumbled pell-mell downstairs, intent on turning to his old +route by way of East Long Street. But no sooner had he reached the +lane than his legs seemed to be moving regardless of his will, and +they took the familiar turn toward the Quay. At that moment he +caught sight of Murray crossing the mouth of the lane without +looking either right or left. Something like a shiver passed +through Keith's body, but his legs were still in command, and they +began to run. A minute later he was walking beside Murray as he had +done day after day for the better part of three terms.</p> +<p>At first they did not speak. Then Murray began to tell about the +party of the night before as if it had been the most natural thing +in the world to do so. He told what they had eaten and what they +had played and what impression the boys had made on his mother. +Keith listened without a word.</p> +<p>The worst fight he had ever fought with himself was raging +within him, and while he heard every word that Murray uttered, they +seemed to pass him by as if spoken to some other person. His heart +was beating very hard, and he breathed uneasily. An unfamiliar, +impersonal voice within himself was telling him that he must either +give Murray a good licking then and there or run away. Nasty, ugly, +hateful words seemed to crowd to his lips with an all but +irresistible demand for utterance.</p> +<p>Yet he walked on as before, listening to Murray without a word +of comment. At last, when they were near the school entrance, he +stopped suddenly and said:</p> +<p>"Did you ever speak to your mother of me?"</p> +<p>"I did," replied Murray calmly. "And she said that while she had +no objection to our keeping company, she did not think your +father's position was such that we could ask you home."</p> +<p>A strange thing happened to Keith at that moment. It seemed to +him that everything had been satisfactorily explained, and that +there was no reason why he should be angry with Murray or offended +at his friend's parents. He had simply been made to suffer for +something that had nothing to do with his own person.</p> +<p>"Hey, twins," a classmate yelled at them just then.</p> +<p>"I suppose you couldn't help it," Keith said weakly to +Murray.</p> +<p>"I really should have liked to have you," Murray answered, and +it made Keith feel as if he had been more than compensated for his +previous sufferings.</p> +<p>After that their friendship continued outwardly as before, but +there was a difference. A tendency to nag and find fault appeared +on both sides, and on several occasions they broke into actual +quarrels. These always ended in reconcilations, but the old +serenity had gone from their companionship, and each new +misunderstanding left Keith a little more unhappy.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_III"></a>III</h2> +<br> +<p>As a result of the changed relationship between himself and the +friend he idealized, Keith began once more to look up Johan. He did +it rather furtively, as if he had known that he was engaged in +something unworthy of himself. There was an additional reason for +this return to an association long spurned, and it had something to +do with his manner of going about it.</p> +<p>What his mother had told him during the summer was still +fermenting in his mind, but no amount of brooding over it would +produce any results. It was like trying to raise oneself by pulling +at one's own bootstraps. He must turn to some one else for the +information that alone could solve the mystery. Murray was out of +the question. Keith had never exchanged a word with him about the +subject that was taking more and more of his attention. He knew +what Murray would say if such a matter were broached:</p> +<p>"I don't think my papa would like me to talk of it, and it's +rather nasty anyhow."</p> +<p>No, Johan was the person to seek for knowledge of this kind. He +was now smoking all the time when not under the eye of his mother. +While Keith almost had stood still physically, Johan had forged +ahead. There was no denying that he was coarse and dull and +awkward, but there was a shrewd gleam in his somewhat bleary eyes, +and from time to time he threw out dark hints about enjoyments and +experiences that little boys clinging to their mother's skirts +could never master.</p> +<p>It became a sort of game between them--a game that pleased Johan +and drove Keith to exasperation. It was a game of hide-and-seek. +And the most remarkable feature of it was that, although Keith was +dying to know, he found it impossible to ask any direct questions. +His pose was that he didn't care, and Johan's counter-pose was that +he didn't know what Keith was driving at.</p> +<p>Little by little, however, Keith extracted various stories about +those new friends of Johan's, who lived in one of the neighbouring +lanes and who had a big vacant attic at their disposal. There quite +a number of boys gathered daily, and Johan did his best to impress +Keith with the desperate character of their doings. Girls came to +that meeting-place, too. It was the principal thing, according to +Johan--the fact that made those exploits so deliriously +reprehensible. One day Johan was in an unusually communicative +mood.</p> +<p>"Yesterday," he related with great gusto, "Nils got hold of +Ellen and kissed her. And then they crawled into a big empty box +when they thought we didn't see them. And there they stayed ever so +long. But Gustaf crawled up behind the box and peeped. And he saw +what they did, and then he told us."</p> +<p>"What did they do," asked Keith tensely, forgetting his usual +reserve.</p> +<p>"Oh, you know," replied Johan teasingly.</p> +<p>"I don't," said Keith stoutly, realizing that it was a dreadful +admission of inferiority. "And I want you to tell me."</p> +<p>For a moment Johan hesitated. Then he shot at Keith a single +word--a verb--that Keith had heard in the lane and among the +longshoremen on the Quay. He knew that it was bad--the worst one of +its kind. He knew also in a vague sort of way that it touched the +very heart of the mystery he was trying to solve. And yet it left +him just as ignorant as before.</p> +<p>The bald use of that word by Johan stunned him for a moment. +Then his hot thirst for light brushed all other considerations +aside, and he said almost pleadingly: "Can't you tell me all about +it?"</p> +<p>"Oh, everybody knows," said Johan, and his eyes began to wander +shiftily as they always did when he found himself cornered.</p> +<p>"You don't know yourself," Keith taunted him, suddenly grown +wise beyond his ordinary measure.</p> +<p>"Yes, I do," insisted Johan.</p> +<p>"Then tell--or I won't believe you."</p> +<p>"They did what your papa and mamma do nights," Johan shot +back.</p> +<p>There was a long pause.</p> +<p>"They don't do anything," Keith said at last almost in a +whisper, "except talk."</p> +<p>"You bet they do," asserted Johan, sure now of having +triumphed.</p> +<p>And Keith went home without asking any more questions.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_IV"></a>IV</h2> +<br> +<p>A queer restlessness seized him and left him no peace. He swung +abruptly from one extreme mood to another--from mad elation to +paralyzing depression. He had a baffling sense of things happening +within himself that were equally beyond control and explanation. He +grew tired of sitting on those plain benches at school, with no +support for the back, and still more tired of the Rector's +incessant "sit up straight, boy." Sometimes when he read at home, +he could not keep his eyes fixed on the book because his thoughts +insisted on straying into all sorts of irrelevant fields. But no +matter in what direction they started, circuitously they always +found their way into the field of main preoccupation.</p> +<p>Although shocked at the time by what Johan had told him, it did +not remain actively in his memory. On a few occasions he woke up +during the night with an impression of having heard his mother call +his father's name. When he raised his head from the pillow to +listen, a breathless stillness prevailed in the room. Soon he went +back to sleep, and afterwards he thought no more about it. Yet the +very act of listening seemed to inflame his mind in some way.</p> +<p>The game learned back of the big rock had never become quite +forgotten. Yet it had never meant very much to him, and during his +association with Murray he had thought less and less of it. Now it +took new hold of him, in a much more imperative way, as if it had +got a new meaning and a new lure. And it seemed to have some +elusive but highly significant connection with the mystery that +always puzzled and fretted his curiosity.</p> +<p>Once more he pressed Johan for an explanation of that reference +to Keith's parents.</p> +<p>"That's the way children are made," Johan finally announced with +a mien of having transmitted the ultimate wisdom of the ages.</p> +<p>Keith merely stared at him. That answer did not interest him at +all. Of course, he had long guessed that the arrival of children +was a part of the mystery, but it was a part that had ceased to +concern him. What he wished to know, must know, related to himself +exclusively. But in this respect there was nothing more to be had +out of Johan.</p> +<p>At school he began to join a group of boys who always gathered +in a corner of the assembly hall during the pauses instead of +mixing with the mob in the schoolyard. The centre of that group was +Swensson, a handsome young chap of more advanced age than the +others who had spent two years in most of the grades. He was always +behind in his studies, but he seemed to know more of life than all +the rest put together. A large part of the time he was telling +stories--always about girls--or relating adventures--always with +girls. Keith found the stories amusing, but as a rule he failed to +grasp their point. And yet they added fuel to the flame that was +burning more and more hotly within him.</p> +<p>His mother had been watching him intently for some time, and +after a while she began to ask questions. These were guarded almost +to unintelligibility, and yet Keith guessed that they referred to +his own secret--the game learned back of the big rock. And so that +game grew still more enticing. Even then, however, it did not seem +to matter very much except in so far as it was the one thing that +brought him a slight relief from the consuming restlessness of body +and mind.</p> +<p>His mother's questions were followed by long talks, sometimes +taking the form of warnings, but more often turning into passionate +pleas. And gradually he gathered that the game he had been playing +so innocently must be both sinful and dangerous. He tried as hard +as he could to get to the root of his mother's hints, and he wanted +to ask all sorts of questions. But in the end the meaning of her +words seemed to dissolve into mist, and when he tried to question +her directly, it was as if a solid wall had suddenly risen between +them, so that neither one could hear what the other one said.</p> +<p>His father, too, began to ask questions, evidently urged on by +the mother. He spoke sternly, but not unkindly, when he asked if +Keith had been doing anything he ought not to do. And naturally +enough Keith answered emphatically no.</p> +<p>In this way the mystery came closer and closer to him, and +became more and more urgent. His mother's futile efforts at +communicating what apparently rested heavily on her heart made him +ill at ease, but he remained unconscious of any guilt or fear. A +conflict of serious aspect and proportions was undoubtedly taking +shape within him, but so far it was mainly concerned with the +school and his friendship for Murray and a general sense of +dissatisfaction with the life he was leading. It was above all a +sense of things missed.</p> +<p>Then he happened one afternoon, when his mother was out, to be +delving with more than customary audacity among the books in his +father's book case, which become more accessible through the death +of their gentle-looking tenant a short while before.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_V"></a>V</h2> +<br> +<p>The cough of Herr Stangenberg had been growing worse and worse +all through the winter. He had to take to the bed more and more +frequently. There had been a terrible change in his appearance. +Only the eyes and his temper remained the same. He was always +cheerful and hopeful. So he remained when he had to stay in bed +entirely and a doctor began to pay him daily visits. Keith's mother +did everything in her power to be of help, and it seemed to put her +own troubles and worries more in the background.</p> +<p>"Consumption" was a word the parents often used in discussing +the case of poor Herr Stangenberg, and Keith gathered that it was +something dreadful and merciless, from which escape was impossible. +His attitude toward the whole matter was peculiar. He listened to +what his parents talked, but always in a spirit of utter +indifference, as if what they said could have no possible bearing +on his own life.</p> +<p>One evening the servant girl--her name was Hilda at the +time--brought word that Herr Stangenberg wanted very badly to see +Fru Wellander for a few minutes.</p> +<p>"I think he knows at last that the end is near," Keith's mother +said as she rose to go into the parlour. "What am I going to say if +he asks me?"</p> +<p>"Nothing," replied the father quietly. "Leave that to the +doctor."</p> +<p>On her return, the mother sank down in her chair and began to +grope for a handkerchief. Keith saw that her eyes were lustrous +with tears.</p> +<p>"What did he want?" asked the father with unusual anxiety.</p> +<p>"Well, if you tried for a month, you couldn't guess it," the +mother said, and as she spoke, a smile broke through her tears. "It +is so sad and so funny that.... He wants me to send for his tailor +to measure him for a new spring suit."</p> +<p>"Has he no idea ...?" The father checked himself with a glance +at Keith.</p> +<p>"I know what you mean," said Keith calmly. Both parents looked +at him in surprise, but neither comment nor rebuke ensued.</p> +<p>"No," the mother went on after a while, "he says that he knows +he will be well and back at his office in two weeks. He actually +laughed when I tried to say something about his being very ill. It +brought on his cough again, and for a moment I thought he would die +then and there. But when the attack was over, he asked me if I +couldn't hear that the cough was much better. What do you think I +ought to do?"</p> +<p>"Nothing," the father replied once more.</p> +<p>Keith was ready to start for school next morning when he heard +Hilda utter a startled cry in the parlour.</p> +<p>"Fru Wellander! Fru Wellander!" she called.</p> +<p>Before the mother had a chance to move, the frightened face of +the girl appeared in the parlour door, and she whispered as if +afraid of waking some one out of sleep:</p> +<p>"He is dead."</p> +<p>Both women hurried into the parlour. Keith stood irresolute for +a moment. Then he made for the kitchen door and ran downstairs at +top speed. He was afraid of missing Murray.</p> +<p>All during that day a thought would bother his brain like a +buzzing fly: how peculiar that a man could want to order a new suit +of clothes a few hours before he died. There was something +irrational about it that stumped him. For a moment he thought of +speaking to Murray about it, but it was as if some one had put a +hand firmly over his mouth every time he tried to do so.</p> +<p>The funeral took place in a couple of days. A distant relative +had turned up, very apologetic and eager to explain that his dead +cousin had failed to let any one know that he was sick even. This +young man, the minister, and Keith's parents were the only +mourners. A single carriage sufficed.</p> +<p>Keith never went into the parlour during those days. When +everything was nearly ready, the mother asked him if he cared to go +in and have a last look at poor Herr Stangenberg before the lid was +put on the coffin. Keith merely shook his head.</p> +<p>"You had better go," Granny called from the kitchen. "I never +saw him better-looking while he was alive."</p> +<p>"I won't," Keith yelled back with an amount of irritation that +seemed quite out of proportion to its cause. The mother gave him an +uneasy glance but left the room without saying anything at the +time.</p> +<p>As far as the boy was concerned, the incident was closed. He had +never permitted it to take a real hold of his mind, and he resented +anybody's attempt to bring it closer to him. Death had stopped +within his own threshold, and he simply looked in the opposite +direction. This attitude sprang mainly from some inner resistance +so stubborn that it would not even permit itself to be discussed. +In addition, his mind was engrossed with other things, and the +principal significance it attached to the passing of a human life +at such close quarters was the hope it held out that the parlour +might remain vacant.</p> +<p>"Were you afraid to look," the mother asked Keith on her return +with the father from the cemetery.</p> +<p>"No, I just didn't want to," the boy replied emphatically.</p> +<p>"Why," the mother asked, studying his face with the peculiar +searching glance that sometimes provoked him and sometimes filled +him with a desire to bury his head in her lap and weep.</p> +<p>"Why should I," Keith rejoined. "He was dead!"</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_VI"></a>VI</h2> +<br> +<p>No sooner had the apologetic young man removed the effects of +his departed relative than Keith wanted to take full possession of +the parlour. His mother checked his eagerness with the explanation +that they might still want to rent it. In the meantime he could use +it freely, but he must remove all his playthings when he was +through for the day.</p> +<p>"Why can't I sleep on the big sofa in there," he asked in a tone +that he vainly tried to make ingratiating.</p> +<p>"Not yet," said his mother evasively. "You had better stay in +here, I think."</p> +<p>Once more the sense of being watched took hold of him +unpleasantly, filling him with a mixture of fear and resentment. +And his wonder why they seemed to suspect him added to the mystery +with which his mind was wrestling so hopelessly.</p> +<p>The constant access to the parlour was a great change for the +better, however, and one of the first uses he made of it was to +investigate his father's little library with a thoroughness that +until then had been out of the question. It was a queer collection, +embracing every form of literature from philosophy to fiction. This +catholicity did not mirror the father's taste but resulted from his +manner of acquiring the books. Before obtaining the position he now +held in the bank, he worked for a while in the office of one of the +principal book printing establishments at Stockholm. There he +formed acquaintances which later enabled him to get one unbound set +of sheets of every book issued from that press. These he sent to a +binder who put them into simple paper covers for a few +<i>öre</i> per volume. They always arrived in a large package +just before Christmas, and one of the thorns in Keith's flesh was +the care with which his father kept all those new treasures hidden +until the holiday season was past. Then the books that had not been +handed on to friends or relations as Christmas presents were given +a permanent place on the shelves of the book case. All of them, +however, lacked printed covers and illustrations.</p> +<p>The young man whom every one spoke of as "poor dear Herr +Stangenberg" had not been dead a week, when Keith one afternoon on +his return from school found himself alone in the house with +Granny. His mother had gone to call on some friends, and the father +would not come home from the bank for several hours. Even the +servant girl was away, which was a fact that not immaterially +contributed to Keith's sense of security. Granny need not be taken +into account.</p> +<p>A long cherished opportunity had arrived at last, and he made +straight for the book case. It was locked, but he knew where to +find the key. Its hiding-place had constituted one of those little +domestic problems that add zest to an uneventful existence. There +was also an injunction of long standing against any meddling with +the case without permission, but that had been a dead letter for +some time. When books were concerned, Keith's customary respect for +authority ceased to be an obstacle to his desires.</p> +<p>He explored with no special object in mind. He wanted new +reading matter, and his curiosity was piqued by a number of books +with blank backs that gave no clue to their contents. Two huge, fat +volumes on the bottom shelf had already attracted his attention, +and they were the first he pulled out. Their title brought +instantaneous disappointment--"The Philosophy of the Unconscious," +by Edouard von Hartmann. He prepared scornfully to put them back, +when, through the big gap left by their withdrawal, he became aware +that the space back of the front row was packed with smaller books +and pamphlets. This discovery surprised him for a moment, but what +he saw in there looked rather uninteresting. Nevertheless he +reached in and pulled out a small green pamphlet that happened to +be nearest at hand. Idly he glanced at the legend printed on the +front cover:</p> +<p>"Amor and Hymen. A guide for married and unmarried persons of +both sexes."</p> +<p>The words carried no special meaning to his mind, and in the +same indifferent manner he turned a few pages until his eyes fell +on a full-page illustration.</p> +<p>After that he read no other book for days.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_VII"></a>VII</h2> +<br> +<p>He read as he had never read before in his brief span of +life--as, perhaps, he would never read again, no matter how wide a +stretch of life that span might ultimately encompass.</p> +<p>He read of the anatomical differences between men and women. He +read about the mechanism of love. He read about the mysteries of +procreation. All of it was startlingly new to him, and yet he read +with a sense of always having known it. He read with absolute +acceptance, without a possibility of doubt.</p> +<p>It seemed a genuine revelation that must render all future +questioning futile. And yet he seemed to know no more when he had +finished than he knew before he started. It remained outside of +himself, a structure of air, a series of shadowgraphs, and the +craving within him burned as passionately as ever.</p> +<p>From now on he could grasp the points of the stories told by the +boys at school, and he would know what Johan was hinting at in his +boast about the secret doings of that attic. But of the reality of +the thing he knew as little as before. In fact, the principal +lesson brought home by his reading was that here he found himself +in the presence of something that could not be learned out of +books.</p> +<p>To begin with he did not go beyond the first part of the book. +This he read over and over again. When at last he was sated with +what that part had to give, a subtle chemical change had taken +place in his mental make-up, one might say. It was not caused by +any facts conveyed by the book. These seemed quite natural to him, +and in themselves they would have had no more power over him than +the information about flowers of various kinds imparted by the +teacher of botany. It was the tone used that affected him in a +manner reminding him of the Swedish Punch of which he had tested a +few drops now and then. In every line there was a mixture of +shamefaced apology and veiled desire that sent all the blood in his +body rushing toward his head until the walls of the room about him +reeled. Every inch of him was on fire, and in that flame body and +soul were consumed together.</p> +<p>The sum and substance of it was that he had become conscious of +that multitudinous impulse we call sex, and that from a vague, +restless yearning this impulse suddenly had developed into an +appetite as imperative as any hunger for food.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_VIII"></a>VIII</h2> +<br> +<p>Finally he went on to the remaining chapters of the book, always +with that double sense of knowing it all before and of not quite +grasping what he read.</p> +<p>Pages were consumed before he realized with a shock more intense +than any one previously experienced, that the book was speaking of +the game he learned to play back of the big rock.</p> +<p>Again it was not what the book told that seemed to matter, but +the tone in which it spoke. And while before that tone had sent the +blood to his head, it now drew every drop of it back to his heart +until he shivered and shook with a misery so acute that another +moment's endurance of it seemed unthinkable.</p> +<p>At that instant fear was born within him. Until then it had been +no more real to him than were now the experiences described in the +first part of the book. He had instinctively shrunk from things +that he knew or believed to be painful, from the shock of a blow to +the sting of a harsh word. He had suffered discomforting +anticipation of rebukes and restrictions. But he had never before +stood face to face with that stark unreasoning terror which gathers +its chief power from the intangible character of the danger it +heralds.</p> +<p>He learned that physically and spiritually he had courted death, +and what is worse than death. And suddenly the thought of that +gentle-faced, sweet-tempered young man in the parlour leaped into +his memory. But the image it brought him was not that of a human +form stretched stiffly within the black boards of a coffin. What he +saw and what froze him with horror was the hollow temples and +sallow cheeks and drooping jaws and bent back and trembling limbs +of the human wreck that was still counted a living man.</p> +<p>Worse than that image, however, and worse than any thought of +punishment by powers not within his actual ken, was the book's +damning imputation of shame incurred, of unworthiness proved, of +inferiority so deep that no words could adequately picture it.</p> +<p>All that was most himself wanted to rise in wild rebellion +against conclusions that found no support in anything he had +actually experienced so far. He wanted to refuse belief. He sought +for escapes as if the fulfilment of the doom pronounced by the book +had been a matter of minutes. But there was the book, and to back +it suddenly appeared a line of experiences out of his own life.</p> +<p>Perhaps those who would not let him visit their homes had only +too good cause for refusal. Perhaps, after all, it was not his +father's position but something about himself that had caused the +parents of Harald, of Loth, and now of Murray, to act in exactly +the same way. Perhaps Dally had reasons for not letting him become +<i>primus</i> which, out of his soul's kindness, he never told even +to Keith himself. Perhaps the reason he always felt isolated and +out of touch with his schoolmates lay in their instinctive +recognition of his nature....</p> +<p>In the end he replaced the book with a firm determination never +to look at it again. But the poison was in his mind, and the book +no longer mattered.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_IX"></a>IX</h2> +<br> +<p>The game learned behind the big rock must never be played +again--that much was certain!</p> +<p>But all resolves proved vain. Fight as he may, the end was +inevitably the same.</p> +<p>Previously he had been the player, and had thought no more of +it. Now he was being played with, and this new form of the game +kept him see-sawing incessantly between ecstasy and agony, between +the relief of yielding and the remorse at having yielded.</p> +<p>His life was an unending conflict, and in the presence of that +ever renewed struggle within, by forces that seemed alien to his +own self, all else lost significance.</p> +<p>And there was not a thing or a person within reach that could +offer an antidote to the self-contempt corroding his soul's +integrity.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_X"></a>X</h2> +<br> +<p>Going to school grew very hard for a while. He could barely look +his schoolmates in the face for fear that they might read in his +eyes what sort of a chap he was. At times, on his walks to or from +school with Murray, a faintness would seize him at the mere thought +that his friend somehow might have guessed the truth. And he sent +timidly envious side-glances at one lucky enough to be raised above +all temptation. For neither his recollections of the gang gathered +about the big rock nor the more recent light shed on such things by +Johan had the slightest influence on his conception of himself as +the sole black sheep in a flock of perhaps soiled but nevertheless +washable white ones.</p> +<p>After a while the poignancy of his emotions became blunted by +familiarity, and mere weariness forced him to accept himself on a +reduced level. A sort of new equilibrium was established within +him, but it was primarily based on indifference. Nothing really +mattered. Effort was useless. Things merely happened. No one could +help what happened. And in this fatalism, so utterly foreign to his +ardent, supersensitive nature, he found a certain momentary sense +of peace.</p> +<p>He went about his daily classroom tasks as in a dream, doing +mechanically what he was asked, and dropping his effort as soon as +the demand for it ceased. Nothing happened during the lessons to +indicate that the teachers noticed any change in him or were in any +manner dissatisfied with him. Perhaps he was saved by an occasional +flaring up of interest that drew from him flashes of that +brightness of mind that had won Dally and given him the reputation +of an exceptional pupil.</p> +<p>But as the spring term drew nearer its close, he found it more +and more difficult to keep up a pretence at attention. More and +more he sank into mere drifting, and he whose pride had been really +to know, now trusted to luck like any dullard with a head unfit for +studying. Worse still and more significant, he began to find +excuses for staying home from school. He who had never known what +it was to be sick, now developed disturbing symptom after +another--headaches and colds and digestive troubles in endless +succession. Most of the time these symptoms yielded quickly at the +mere sight of the castor oil which was his mother's favourite +remedy and the taste of which Keith hated more than anything else +in the world. It was the one thing that stood inexorably between +his growing indolence and the luxury of being ill.</p> +<p>With commencement almost in sight, all sorts of written +examinations were demanded. These he disliked additionally because +his handwriting never had developed in proportion to his mental +capacity. No matter how he strove, the letters remained childishly +awkward. No two of them seemed to point in the same direction. Not +even his futile efforts at singing could fill him with a more +humiliating sense of inferiority.</p> +<p>All his various resistances were brought into concerted action +when at last the teacher in Swedish ordered him to prepare two +brief original compositions on quite simple themes. In the days of +Dally he would have revelled in such a task. Now it appalled him. +His head was empty. The mere idea of trying to write about such +things as the discovery of America and the beauties of nature +seemed silly. There was any number of books, besides, that said +anything you could ever hope to say on either subject.</p> +<p>The end of it was that he produced an indisposition real enough +not only to convince his mother but to make himself willing to face +the ordeal of castor oil. Thanks to the oil he was able to stay in +bed the better part of two days. Those were the last two days +before his Swedish compositions were to be delivered. He knew that +if they were not delivered, he would get no mark in that subject, +and this would prevent his graduation to a higher grade.</p> +<p>In that dilemma he conceived the brilliant idea of making his +mother write the compositions for him, and he actually succeeded in +persuading her to do so. He prompted her a little, but she did the +main part of the work, and the handwriting was hers. Finally he got +her to bring them up to school with the explanation that he was too +sick to sit up and write, but that she had taken down what he +dictated. He did not even look at what she wrote, and it never +occurred to him to doubt her ability of doing it far better than he +could. When it was all over, he experienced a tremendous sense of +relief, and this was much enhanced by his mother's willingness to +let the father remain in complete ignorance of what had +happened.</p> +<p>Nothing was said to him when he showed up at school again. His +first inkling of trouble came with the return of his copy book. It +was full of marks and corrections in red ink. As he looked at these +in a stunned fashion, he realized for the first time that his +mother's spelling and punctuation would have been deemed +unsatisfactory in a second grade pupil. At first he did not even +consider the bearing of this discovery on his own fate. He could +think of only one thing, namely that another blow had been dealt to +his conception of his mother as a superior being. He actually felt +ashamed on her behalf. Then came the thought of what the teacher +must have thought....</p> +<p>Commencement Day brought the answer. He got only C in Swedish, +which meant that he had failed to pass. It gave him the choice +between spending another year in the same grade or facing special +examinations in the fall.</p> +<p>At first he was too dazed to think. Then his former indifference +changed into blazing indignation and resentment. He felt himself a +victim of unpardonable injustice. In that mood he returned home and +reported to his father.</p> +<p>"You talk nonsense, my boy," said his father in a tone that was +new to Keith. "From some things I have heard, I gather that your +escape from the same kind of mark in every subject was little short +of miraculous."</p> +<p>Keith stared open-eyed at his father, puzzled by his manner of +speaking and stung to the quick by what he said.</p> +<p>"What are you going to do now," his father demanded after a +while.</p> +<p>A long pause followed during which Keith's brain worked at +lightning speed. It was as if he had never known until then what +really had happened during the weeks preceding commencement.</p> +<p>"I'll pass the examinations in the fall," he said at last.</p> +<p>"Will you give me your word of honour to read hard during the +summer," his father asked, and his voice set the boy's heart +throbbing like an engine.</p> +<p>"I will," replied Keith. "But I could pass those examinations +without looking at the book."</p> +<p>"The more shame for you, then, to let yourself be plucked," was +his father's concluding remark, but even that was uttered without a +suggestion of bitterness.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XI"></a>XI</h2> +<br> +<p>The summer was spent on the mainland opposite the island where +they used to live. He had practically no companionship except that +of his mother. It was very dull, but for the first time he seemed +to need solitude. He had brought out all his schoolbooks, and he +really did a good deal of studying, especially of Latin, which he +knew was his weakest point.</p> +<p>At first he felt a slight grudge against the mother. She had +disappointed him for one thing, and there was an inclination +besides to hold her responsible for his misfortune. By degrees, +however, he began to see his own part in its true light, and he +wondered how he could have been such a blind fool. It was this +understanding that brought him comparative peace and enabled him to +work. He had been so harassed by the question of guilt in regard to +actions which his own mind would never have classed as wrong that +the sense of facing punishment clearly deserved came as a genuine +relief.</p> +<p>The monotony of the season was only broken by a visit to the +summer home of Aunt Agda at Laurel Grove, where he stayed a whole +week and made a lot of friends. She had served with the Wellanders +as a nurse girl when Keith was only a baby. Then she was plain +Agda, and Keith's mother often spoke of how crazy she had been +about him. Then she disappeared, and when the Wellanders next heard +of her, she was the wife of a well-to-do retired merchant, to whom +she had borne three children while she was merely a servant and his +first wife still lived. Keith had often overheard his parents speak +of Agda's phenomenal rise with ironic smiles, but he didn't care +for anything except her continued inclination to spoil him.</p> +<p>There was a lot of children at Laurel Grove, boys and girls, and +most of them matched Keith in age. They took him in, and in that +one week he had a glimpse of the kind of life he would have liked +to live. There was in particular one boy, Arnold Kruse, for whom +Keith formed a warm attachment. This feeling was additionally +cemented by Arnold's choice of Keith as a confidant. Arnold was in +love with the prettiest girl in the place, Gurlie Norlin, and so +was every other boy within reach of Laurel Grove. But Arnold was +the favourite, and he told Keith that he and Gurlie had agreed to +wait for each other and to marry as soon as they were of age.</p> +<p>It was like a fairy tale to Keith--a wonderful tale like no one +he had ever read. And the most wonderful thing about it was that it +was real, and that he was permitted to play a sort of part in it. +His thoughts went back to Oscar and what he had told Keith about +the love between Oscar's father and mother. Here was love again, +mystically beautiful, so that it brought a new light into the faces +of those it touched. And Keith's heart grew lonely and wistful +within him. But strangely enough, he never thought of connecting +Arnold's love for Gurlie with what he had read in the book found in +his father's book case. That was quite a different thing, he +felt.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XII"></a>XII</h2> +<br> +<p>The presiding genius of the examinations was Lector Booklund, +teacher of Latin in Lower and Upper Sixth. He was short and stocky +and gnarled by gout. Instead of speaking, he emitted a series of +verbal explosives, and the boy whose answers didn't come quick +enough became the object of withering scorn. Most of his life +seemed concentrated in his eyes where twinkling merriment and +blazing anger alternated with bewildering rapidity. He posed as a +tyrant, but the boys who knew him well said that at heart he was as +kind as he was just, and that his nervous impatience and bursts of +rage were merely the results of severe physical sufferings.</p> +<p>The moment he caught sight of Keith among the boys up for +examination, most of whom hailed from other schools, he became +interested and began to draw him out. And Keith was able to respond +with some of his old-time quickwittedness. His ambition had been +stirred into a semblance of life through the shock of his failure, +while the summer's rest and peace had brought back some of his +natural vivacity. The inner conflict was still a source of trouble, +but it did not seem quite so much a matter of life and death. He +had not yet passed the crisis, but he had reached a point where a +little tactful nursing might put him on the right path again for +good. What he needed above all was encouragement, and that was what +he got for a while from the new class principal.</p> +<p>He passed the examinations with ease. Then the sense of being a +favoured pupil once more made him throw himself into the studies +with considerable zest. Little by little, however, his zest slacked +off. More and more frequently he became the object of blame or +ridicule instead of praise. By and by Lector Booklund found it hard +to ask him a question or give him a direction without open display +of irritation. It was evident that he felt disappointed in Keith, +and he did not hesitate to show it.</p> +<p>Many causes combined to produce the slump in Keith's aspirations +that in its turn produced the changed attitude of the teacher. The +latter's impatience had probably as much to do with it as anything +else, while his splenetic manners and speech intimidated the boy's +already overwrought sensitiveness. The subjects taught and the form +of the teachings did their share, too. Grammar and rules and dry +data seemed to play a greater part than ever. In Latin, for +instance, they were reading Ovid's "<i>Metamorphoses</i>" and the +colourful old legends might easily have been used to arouse the +boy's interest, if attention had merely been concentrated on the +stories told and the life revealed by them. But the teacher was +first and last a grammarian, and he would wax frantically +enthusiastic over some subtle syntactic distinction which left +Keith peevishly indifferent. And Lector Booklund was positively +jealous on behalf of his own subject, so that once he flung a +bitingly sarcastic remark at the boy because his attention had +flared up at the quoting of a phrase in English.</p> +<p>Keith's progress in English showed that he was still capable of +both interest and effort. This language was quite new to him, and +the class had it only one hour a week. But the man who taught it +had advanced ideas for his day, and instead of boring the boys with +a lot of abstract rules relating to a wholly unknown tongue, he let +them start right in on one of the English prose classics. They were +told to pick out the meaning of the principal words in advance, and +the pronunciation was explained as they took turns at reading +aloud. All the time the teacher kept the principal part of their +attention focused on the story gradually revealed. During that one +hour a week Keith's mind never wandered. But it was the only rift +in the scholastic fog that kept him in a state of constant +boredom.</p> +<p>In the meantime things were happening at home that did not help +the situation.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XIII"></a>XIII</h2> +<br> +<p>He had moved into the parlour at last. It was almost his own +room. An old piece of furniture, half wardrobe and half dresser, +standing in the vestibule outside the parlour, had been turned over +to him for good. His library and his playthings were installed on +the shelves in the upper part. His personal things occupied a whole +drawer below. At night he slept on the big sofa, and the door to +his parents' room was closed.</p> +<p>One night he lay awake unusually long. The old struggle was +going on within him, and there was no peace in sight. His parents +had gone to bed a good while ago, and as far as he was concerned +just then, they had practically ceased to exist.</p> +<p>Then his attention was attracted by a slight noise from their +room. The stillness of the night made it audible to him in spite of +the closed door. At first he listened out of idle curiosity, and to +get away from his own feverish thoughts. Finally he got up without +any clear idea of what he was doing, or why he did it. He began to +tremble even as he moved on tip-toe across the room. At the door he +had to kneel down to steady himself.</p> +<p>He could not tell whether an hour or a minute had passed when he +crawled into bed again. His whole body was on fire. He could feel +the pulses at his temples hammering. At that moment he knew what +passion was. The man in him had been let loose, and he wanted to +cry aloud with the bitter-sweet agony of it.</p> +<p>There was no thought of father or mother in his mind. The people +back of the door were just a man and a woman. The feelings that +surged through his heart, shaking his body volcanically, would have +been the same if those two had been perfect strangers.</p> +<p>No jealousy stirred him. No sense of shame shocked him. His +dominant emotion was envy.</p> +<p>The visit of death had left him unmoved. Now he had been as +close to life in its most intense form, and the effect of it was +maddening--a call that seemed to make further waiting worse than +death.</p> +<p>He fell asleep at last with a part of the pillow stuffed into +his mouth to keep his sobs from being heard in the next +room....</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XIV"></a>XIV</h2> +<br> +<p>The thing had him by the throat. It was stronger than any power +he could bring to bear against it. Fighting it was useless. +Resistance meant merely prolonged torture. Surrender meant +sleep--and torture of a different kind the next day.</p> +<p>Once more he managed to get hold of the book that had wrought +such disastrous change in his entire existence. He read again the +chapters bearing directly on his own case. They seemed more +convincing than ever. There could be no doubt of his degradation or +his doom.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XV"></a>XV</h2> +<br> +<p>He came running home from some errand one evening not long +before Christmas. His mind was more at ease than it had been for a +long time. That season of the year rarely failed to bring him a +little happiness.</p> +<p>The moment he flung open the kitchen door, he knew that +something was wrong, and his heart sank within him.</p> +<p>The mother stood in the middle of the floor wringing her hands. +Granny sat on the sofa, stolid-faced as usual, and rolled one of +her endless bandages. On the chair by the window sat the father, +his shoulder against the wall, his left elbow on the table, and his +head resting in his left hand.</p> +<p>Keith could hardly believe what he saw.</p> +<p>His father's face was contorted with pain or grief. Big tears +rolled down his cheeks and dropped on the table before him. Every +little while he was shaken by a sob that almost choked him.</p> +<p>"Is he sick," the boy gasped.</p> +<p>"Something dreadful has happened," the mother stammered, unable +to take her eyes off her husband.</p> +<p>"You had better go into the parlour, Keith," whispered Granny as +she started on a new roll.</p> +<p>Keith turned his glance once more to the father. He had never +seen a man cry before, and until that moment such a lack of control +on the part of his father had seemed quite unimaginable. The +strangeness of it frightened him.</p> +<p>"I fear it will kill him," he heard his mother mutter.</p> +<p>"I wish it would," the father broke out, raising his head for a +moment. "But it won't, Anna.... I'll be over it in a minute."</p> +<p>His words were forced out between sobs. Keith saw that he was +struggling terribly to get himself in hand.</p> +<p>Then he caught sight of Keith, whose entrance he evidently had +not noticed, and as usual the presence of the boy brought back the +self-restraint for which he had been striving vainly until +then.</p> +<p>"Keith," he said, speaking much more quietly, "your Uncle +Wilhelm has been arrested for using money that didn't belong to +him. I can't believe it, but I am sure they will send him to +jail.... You must always remember what I have told you about +money...."</p> +<p>His own words seemed to bring back to him the full horror of the +situation, and he threw himself face downward over the table in +another convulsive outburst of grief.</p> +<p>Granny on the sofa was signalling frantically to Keith to leave +the room. Mechanically he obeyed her. Anything was better than to +watch his father....</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XVI"></a>XVI</h2> +<br> +<p>Little by little he learned the whole sad story. At the same +time he realized that Christmas would probably be spoiled--the one +thing he had banked on for momentary relief.</p> +<p>Once upon a time Uncle Wilhelm had been the most prosperous +member of the family, owning a big, fine grocery store in the +fashionable North End district. He made a lot of money, but his +wife was vain and foolish and pleasure-loving. She always managed +to spend more than he could ever earn, and he was idiotically in +love with her. It ended in bankruptcy. Uncle Wilhelm got a position +as superintendent of a small factory in the South End. There he +might have done very well in a more modest way, had not his wife +proceeded to turn his life into a perfect hell. This was her way of +punishing him for his failure to support her in the style she +demanded. He was weak in more ways than one, and soon he drank not +merely for the sake of a good time, as everybody else did, but to +find consolation and forgetfulness. His private affairs went from +bad to worse. Gradually he lost the habit of distinguishing between +his own meagre funds and those entrusted to him. It was a clear +case, and his employer proved merciless when it was found out.</p> +<p>What Keith's father had feared came true. And that Christmas was +more sad than any other part of any other year had ever been.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XVII"></a>XVII</h2> +<br> +<p>It would have been hard on Keith at any time. Coming as it did, +the family disgrace, which he guessed rather than grasped, and the +disappointment, which was a depressingly tangible thing, brought +his natural sensitiveness to a morbid pitch.</p> +<p>There was one idea that haunted him day and night--the idea that +he belonged to a race doomed in advance to decay and +destruction.</p> +<p>Uncle Wilhelm's case was not an isolated one. There was Uncle +Henrik, the youngest brother of Keith's father, who had gone to the +dogs while still a youth, and in a more ignominious fashion, if +possible. What was he now but a besotted tramp, begging shamelessly +of friend or stranger for a few <i>öre</i> with which to buy a +brief moment of coarse happiness?</p> +<p>There was Uncle Marcus, the husband of Keith's paternal aunt, +who had hurt his leg in a storm and lost his splendid position as +chief engineer of the swiftest steamer plying on the Northern +route. Now he was disabled for ever, and proud Aunt Brita was at +her wit's end to keep the home and the family together.</p> +<p>There were the two half-brothers of Uncle Wilhelm's silly +wife--popular and dashing young fellows reading blithely the purple +path to destruction. Even Keith's naïve mind had discovered +which way they were headed, although his thoughts of them were not +free from admiration.</p> +<p>And there were still others. Wherever he turned within the +narrowing family circle, he met similar instances of progress in +the wrong direction. Some were sinners and some were victims of +fate--or seemed so--but it came to the same thing in the end.</p> +<p>"The Wellanders are going," Keith's mother said one day to Aunt +Brita when she was too depressed and worried to mind the boy's +presence.</p> +<p>"Yes," replied Aunt Brita grimly, "and so is everybody else who +ever had anything to do with them. Keith will have to start it all +over again from the beginning."</p> +<p>That seemed to settle it for the moment. Of what avail could his +own feeble struggles be in the face of an adverse destiny?</p> +<p>He brooded over it, and out of his brooding came resentment, and +more and more this resentment turned against his relatives in a +fury of disgust. He had a feeling of their having betrayed +him....</p> +<p>Now and then, however, one of the expressions used by Aunt Brita +would recur to him with a suggestion of quite different +possibilities.</p> +<p>"Keith will have to start it all over again from the beginning," +she had said.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XVIII"></a>XVIII</h2> +<br> +<p>If he only had some one to talk to.... But he was more lonely +than ever. Murray had moved to another part of the city, more in +keeping with his father's increasing prosperity, and was now +attending a North End school. They had parted with no more ado than +if they had expected to meet the next day again. Now and then Keith +thought of Murray with a touch of sentimental regret, but it was +wearing off.</p> +<p>Johan was still found at the foot of the lane, smoking and +bragging and leering as before. To Keith he had become positively +loathsome.</p> +<p>There was no one else in sight--not one boy in the class out of +whom Keith might hope to make a friend. Leaving other factors +aside, his lack of pocket money was sufficient to keep him apart +from the rest. They all had some sort of allowance, however scant, +and they took turns treating each other to pastry or candy bought +from a couple of old women who brought basketfuls, to the school +doors during every pause. He had to beg especially for every +<i>öre</i>, he couldn't get much at that.</p> +<p>He wore a suit made over by his mother from clothes given to her +by a woman of some means with whom she had a slight acquaintance. +They had been outgrown by that woman's son, and they had been +offered to Keith's mother because they were too good to be thrown +away. There was nothing about it to be ashamed of, and the +made-over suit was neat enough, though a little awkwardly cut. A +couple of years earlier, Keith would have hailed it with delight. +Now the wearing of it seemed worse than going about naked. He +thought that every one noticed the suit and knew that it was not +really meant for him.</p> +<p>He read contempt in every glance, and by degrees he developed a +temper that was checked only by the humiliating consciousness of +his physical inferiority. After nearly five years in school, he was +still one of the smallest boys in height and bodily development, +and neither gymnastics nor the military drill that became +compulsory in the sixth grade had the slightest effect on him. And, +of course, he suffered the more from it because he ascribed his +lack of stature and muscle to what he had now begun to think of as +his own moral weakness.</p> +<p>A petty quarrel one day brought on another fight with Bauer, and +this time right in the class room. They rolled around on the floor +between the desks and separated only when some one cried out that +Booklund was coming. Keith was thoroughly aware of the fact that +his classmates regarded their behaviour as inexcusably undignified +in pupils of the Lower Sixth, but contrary to custom, he didn't +care very much. What almost made him cry was that the thought that +at the moment of separation Bauer once more was on top of him--just +as when their first fight came to an end five years earlier. And +then Keith was brought still nearer to tears by his disgusted +realization of that infantile tendency to cry in every moment of +unusual strain.</p> +<p>But, of course, how could he expect anything else?</p> +<p>His whole bearing changed gradually. The gay forwardness that +had caused Dally to make fun of him--and like him, perhaps--was +quite gone, but gone, too, was the shyness that always had run side +by side with it. His most frequent mood was one of irritable +rebellion, and in between he would have spells of sulkiness that +estranged the teachers and surprised himself in his more wholesome +moods. He snarled to his mother, and he would have done so to his +father if he had only dared.</p> +<p>The school seemed sheer torture much of the time, and all its +objectionable features seemed to centre in the Latin. His hatred of +that subject approached an obsession. There was no doubt that +Lector Booklund could feel it, and every day he watched Keith with +more undisguised hostility. At last he could not speak to the boy +without losing his temper, and so for days at a time he would not +speak to him at all. At such times Keith's state of mind presented +a riddle hard to solve. He posed to himself and others as +tremendously gratified at being left alone and not having to answer +any bothersome questions. Inwardly, however, he was more hurt and +offended by that neglect than by any other rebuke the teacher could +have devised.</p> +<p>Such a period of suspended communication had lasted more than a +week, when, at the wane of the term, the inevitable explosion +finally occurred.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XIX"></a>XIX</h2> +<br> +<p>The class had just turned in their copybooks with a Latin +exercise prepared at home. Lector Booklund was standing at his desk +with the whole pile in front of him. Keith's book happened to be on +top. The teacher opened it. He sent a glance at Keith that made the +boy squirm. Then, as his eyes ran down the page, his face turned +almost purple. Suddenly he raised the book over his head and threw +it on the floor with such force that the cover was torn off.</p> +<p>A moment of ominous silence followed. Keith was red up to the +roots of his hair.</p> +<p>"Wellander," the teacher roared.</p> +<p>Keith rose none too quickly from his seat without looking +up.</p> +<p>"Pick up that thing," Lector Booklund shouted at him with the +full force of his powerful lungs. "I don't want to touch it +again."</p> +<p>Keith remained like a statue, feeling now as if he didn't have a +drop of blood left in his whole body.</p> +<p>"Pick it up, I tell you!"</p> +<p>"No," Keith retorted in a strangely self-possessed voice, "you +had better pick it up yourself. I didn't throw it on the +floor."</p> +<p>In another moment the teacher was beside Keith, burying his hand +in the boy's hair. Then he pulled and shook, shook and pulled, +until the hand came away with big tufts of hair showing between the +fingers.</p> +<p>Again absolute silence reigned for a moment.</p> +<p>"Ugh," blew the teacher, his anger changed to a look of +embarrassment. "I am not going to speak another word to you, +Wellander, during the rest of the term. Sit down!"</p> +<p>Instead of sitting down, Keith walked over to the torn copy +book, picked it up and turned toward Lector Booklund.</p> +<p>"I am going home," he announced almost triumphantly. "You have +no right to hit me or pull my hair out by the roots."</p> +<p>Before the teacher had recovered from his surprise Keith was +outside the door and on his way home.</p> +<p>He didn't know afterwards how he got there, but he could +remember saying to himself over and over again:</p> +<p>"I didn't cry and I didn't want to cry!"</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XX"></a>XX</h2> +<br> +<p>He told his mother truthfully what had happened and declared in +conclusion that he would never go back to school again.</p> +<p>She was furious with the teacher and thought that on the whole, +it would be safer for Keith to stay away during the few weeks +remaining of the term.</p> +<p>"That man should be punished," she cried repeatedly. "You did +just right."</p> +<p>But the father spoke in another tone when he, in his turn, had +heard the tale of that eventful day.</p> +<p>"You will go to school tomorrow as usual," he said in his +sternest voice. "You had no right to refuse to pick up the book, +and you had no right to leave the school without permission."</p> +<p>"I can't go back after being treated like that, papa," Keith +remonstrated, trying vainly to make his tone sound firm.</p> +<p>"You will," the father reiterated, "or I'll...."</p> +<p>He stopped and thought for a minute.</p> +<p>"Or you'll begin to learn a trade tomorrow. Take your +choice."</p> +<p>Father and son looked long at each other.</p> +<p>"Carl ..." the mother began pleadingly.</p> +<p>"Please, Anna," the father checked her. "This is too serious. +The boy's future is at stake."</p> +<p>Then he turned to Keith and said more kindly: "I ask you to go +for my sake."</p> +<p>"I will," the boy blurted out with a little catch in his +voice.</p> +<p>His pride was broken, and once more those everlasting tears were +dimming his eyes.</p> +<p>He felt weak and helpless, but through his dejection broke now +and then a sense of pleasant warmth. His father had asked him to go +"for his sake."</p> +<p>Such a thing had never happened before.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XXI"></a>XXI</h2> +<br> +<p>The class was discreetly preoccupied when Keith showed up as +usual next morning. Only Young Bauer evinced a slight inclination +to taunt him, but was curtly hushed up.</p> +<p>During one of the afternoon hours the door of the classroom +opened unexpectedly and Keith's father appeared on the +threshold.</p> +<p>"Will you pardon me for just one moment, Sir," he said to the +astonished teacher. Then, without coming further into the room, he +addressed himself to Keith: "I have had a talk with the Rector and +with Lector Booklund. I have heard all about your behaviour in +school, and I warn you now that unless you do better, I shall give +you the treatment you deserve. Bear that in mind."</p> +<p>Then he vanished as abruptly as he had appeared.</p> +<p>A couple of the boys snickered. The teacher rapped sharply on +the table with the book he held in his hand.</p> +<p>Keith sat absolutely still with bowed head. He couldn't think. +He didn't dare to think of ever facing one of those other boys +again. And suddenly it occurred to him that his father had looked +quite common, like a workman almost, while he stood there at the +door, talking across the room to Keith.</p> +<p>But a tiny voice somewhere within himself denied it.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XXII"></a>XXII</h2> +<br> +<p>The term dragged to an end.</p> +<p>Commencement Day was no longer a cause of joyful anticipation. +It had to be borne like many other things. But it did mark the +end.</p> +<p>Keith learned without much heartbreaking that he had got a "C" +not merely in Latin, which he expected, but in behaviour as +well--he who all through his school period had never had less than +"A" on his personal conduct.</p> +<p>Well, it merely clinched the decision he already had formed. One +could not pass any examination in behaviour. And after what had +happened, the thought of going back to the same classroom in the +fall gave him a sensation of outright physical discomfort. Anything +was better than school.</p> +<p>Not even his mother had put in an attendance that day. He had to +walk home by himself, all the other boys being accompanied by +pleased or resigned parents. But it was in keeping with the rest of +what he had to go through.</p> +<p>Out of the midst of the shapeless throng of dark thoughts +filling his head, a quite irrelevant memory pushed to the front as +if in answer to an unspoken question. It consisted of the words +spoken by Aunt Brita:</p> +<p>"Keith will have to start it all over again from the +beginning."</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XXIII"></a>XXIII</h2> +<br> +<p>The first few days after the closing of the school were +wonderfully restful. The parents proved remarkably forbearing. +Neither one spoke a word of reproach. Nothing was said about the +future. It was as if some sort of fear had checked them.</p> +<p>The home seemed unusually quiet and pleasant. There was any +amount of time for reading, and no suggestions were forthcoming as +to what should or should not be read. Yet Keith remained satisfied +only a few days.</p> +<p>No one knows what might have happened if they had gone into the +country for the summer as they used to do. But again the whole +family had to stay in town for some reason not divulged to Keith. +And with the heat and the sunshine came the usual restlessness.</p> +<p>Keith had made up his mind not to go back to school. He was +equally determined not to let himself be forced into any sort of +manual work. Besides having no knack for it, he had come to look +upon it as a social disgrace. Some other work must be found, for +well enough he knew that his father would not let him stay home +indefinitely doing nothing.</p> +<p>It was easy, however, to make up one's mind about what not to +do, but mighty hard to discover the right kind of thing to do. +Keith had no clue to start with at all, and to begin with all his +efforts led him into the blindest of blind alleys.</p> +<p>He plagued his mother with inquiries to which she had few or no +answers to give. He even deigned to consult Johan and found that he +already had found a place as errandboy in a store. A few questions +convinced Keith that such a life might be good enough for Johan but +not for a boy who, after all, had reached Lower Sixth in a public +school.</p> +<p>The situation was becoming desperate and Keith was watching his +father with steadily increasing concern, when at last a helpful +hint reached him from the most unexpected quarter.</p> +<p>"Why don't you look in the paper," Granny asked him one day.</p> +<p>"What for," was Keith's surprised counter-question.</p> +<p>"For work, of course. Look at the advertisements on the back +page."</p> +<p>"Do you think, Granny...." Keith hesitated.</p> +<p>"I don't think," retorted Granny. "I know."</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XXIV"></a>XXIV</h2> +<br> +<p>Three weeks had gone. It was still early morning, and he was +studying a newspaper very carefully.</p> +<p>"What is it you find so interesting," his mother asked at +last.</p> +<p>"The advertisements," he explained without taking his eyes off +the paper.</p> +<p>"What advertisements?"</p> +<p>"Help wanted."</p> +<p>"Nonsense," she cried, putting down her sewing. "Are you still +thinking of leaving school?"</p> +<p>"Here is one about a volunteer wanted in a wholesale office," +was his indirect reply. "It is on West Long street--in the same +house where Aunt Gertrude has her jewelry store. Do volunteers get +paid?"</p> +<p>"I don't know," his mother said absent-mindedly, her hands +resting on her lap in unwonted idleness. Then she woke up as from a +dream: "You should ask papa first."</p> +<p>"What's the use until I know whether I can get," Keith +parried.</p> +<p>Ten minutes later he bustled into Aunt Gertrude's store, where +she sat in a corner near the big show-window working at a strip of +embroidery that never got finished. She was a spinster with large +black hungry eyes in a very white face. She and Keith's mother had +been girl friends. Now she was running one of the two jewelry +stores owned by her brother.</p> +<p>She had heard of the position. It was in the office of Herr +Brockhaus on the second floor--a dealer in tailor's supplies. And +she had heard that he was a very nice man.</p> +<p>"Do you think I can get it," Keith demanded eagerly.</p> +<p>"Why don't you run up this minute and ask," she suggested.</p> +<p>Keith looked as if he had been to jump off a church steeple. But +in another minute he was climbing the stairs. His legs seemed +rather shaky and his tongue felt like a piece of wood. The moment +he opened the door, however, all his fears and hesitations were +gone. Once more he was the old Keith who had made a play of studies +and examinations.</p> +<p>Herr Brockhaus was a tall, youngish, good-looking man, a little +haughty of mien, but with a tendency to smile in quite friendly +fashion.</p> +<p>"I have as good as hired another boy who got here earlier than +you," he said in reply to Keith's inquiry. On seeing Keith's +dejected look, he laughed good-humouredly.</p> +<p>"There are plenty of other jobs," he suggested.</p> +<p>"But you look as if you would be kind to me and give to a chance +to learn," Keith heard himself saying to his own intense +astonishment.</p> +<p>"I can see that when you want a thing you want it real hard," +Herr Brockhaus rejoined with another peasant laugh. "Well, I like +that. What kind of a hand do you write?"</p> +<p>"Awful," Keith confessed, "but I am going to learn better."</p> +<p>For a good long while Keith felt himself studied from top to +toe, and under that searching scrutiny he blushed as usual.</p> +<p>"I am willing to do anything that is required," he ventured to +ease the suspense.</p> +<p>"All right--what did you say your name was? Keith--I'll take +you, and tell the other boy that I changed my mind. When can you +begin?"</p> +<p>"Tod ... tomorrow," Keith corrected himself with a sudden +remembrance of his father.</p> +<p>"Good," said Herr Brockhaus. "Show up at eight. And I'll pay you +ten crowns a month the first year, although as a rule volunteers +don't get anything."</p> +<p>Keith walked home on air. The sun never shone more brightly than +that day. The tall old stone houses along West Long street looked +imposing and mysterious, as if they had been magic mansions full of +golden opportunities for bright little boys. School seemed years +away already. Lector Booklund was a dream.</p> +<p>His mother listened in silence to his wonderful tale. Then she +kissed him.</p> +<p>"When you have made a lot of money, will you present me with a +new black silk dress," she asked with a suspicious lustre in her +eyes.</p> +<p>"Anything you want, mamma," he promised solemnly. "When I begin +to make money, you'll never have to worry any more about +anything."</p> +<p>Again she had to kiss him.</p> +<p>He was then a little more than halfway through his fifteenth +year.</p> +<br> +<br> +<hr style="width: 35%;"> +<br> +<br> +<h2><a name="IV_XXV"></a>XXV</h2> +<br> +<p>When his father came home that night, Keith hurried across the +room to meet him. "Papa," he cried full of subdued excitement and a +swelling of self-importance such as he had not experienced for ever +so long. "I have got a job."</p> +<p>"What kind of a job," asked the father quietly.</p> +<p>"In an office." And Keith sputtered out the details.</p> +<p>When the whole story was told, the father stood looking at him +enigmatically for a long while.</p> +<p>"Perhaps it is just as well," he said at last. "It certainly +will make things easier for me. But bear in mind what I now tell +you, boy: you will live to regret the chance you are throwing +away--a chance for which I would have given one of my hands when I +was of your age."</p> +<p>"Did you want me to go on," Keith asked uncertainly.</p> +<p>"I did--I always hoped that you should pass your university +examinations and wear the white cap."</p> +<p>"And what did you want me to become?"</p> +<p>"A civil engineer--that's the only real profession today."</p> +<p>The idea was too novel to be grasped quickly by the boy. His own +thoughts had never strayed in that direction, and his conception of +an engineer's duties and position was extremely vague.</p> +<p>"An engineer," he repeated. "But then I should not have studied +Latin."</p> +<p>"Of course not, but you chose it without asking my opinion +first."</p> +<p>Keith's surprise increased.</p> +<p>"Why didn't you tell me," he insisted.</p> +<p>"Because I wanted you to begin to shape your own life," the +father replied, "and I thought you knew what you wanted."</p> +<p>Keith could hardly believe his own ears.</p> +<p>"What do you want me to do now," he pleaded at last.</p> +<p>"What you feel you must," rejoined the father. "This concerns +your life, and not mine. And you must make up your own mind. +Whatever you decided, you have my good wishes, boy, and I shall try +to help you as far as I can."</p> +<p>For a moment Keith had a sense of never having known his father +before. Then a thought flashed through his head: why did he not +speak before?</p> +<p>He went into the parlour and stood at the window staring at the +gloomy facade of the distillers across the lane. A motley throng of +thoughts chased each other through his brain.</p> +<p>It was not yet too late. Nothing was settled. He could still +drop the job and go back to school if he wanted. But did he want +it?</p> +<p>The thought of school sent a slight shiver down his spine.</p> +<p>No, he was sick of it, of the teachers, of the tedious books, of +the boys who looked down upon him and kept him at arm's length all +the time, of everything that had made up his life for the last few +years.</p> +<p>He wanted change. He must have it.</p> +<p>Above all else, he wanted to be free, he wanted to do as he +pleased, and now he had found a way to it, he believed.</p> +<p>At that moment it seemed to him that his childhood suddenly had +come to an end, that his manhood had begun, and that all life lay +open before him.</p> +<br> +<h3>THE END.</h3> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12283 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |