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diff --git a/12283-0.txt b/12283-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4511913 --- /dev/null +++ b/12283-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9060 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12283 *** + +THE SOUL OF A CHILD + +BY + +EDWIN BJÖRKMAN + +1922 + + + + +CONTENTS + +PART I. +PART II. +PART III. +PART IV. + + + +PART I + + +I + +The oldest part of Stockholm is a little rocky island. Once it was the +whole city. Popularly it is still spoken of as "The City." At one end of +it stands the huge square-cut pile of the Royal Palace, looking with +solemn indifference toward the more modern quarters across the ever +hurried waters of the North River. Nearer the centre, and at the very +top of the island, lies an open place called Great Square, which used to +play a most important part in Swedish history, but which now serves no +better purpose than to house the open-air toy market that operates the +last week before Christmas. + +Long narrow streets loop concentrically about Great Square. They are +lined with massive structures of stone and brick, four and five stories +high, that used to be the homes of court and government officials, of +army and navy officers, of burghers made prosperous by an extensive +domestic and foreign trade, while on the ground floors were located the +choicest shops of the country's capital. The shops are still there, but +they have grown dingy and cheap, and they administer only to the casual +needs of the humble middle-class people crowded into the old-fashioned, +gloomy apartments above. + +From the square to the water-fronts radiate a number of still more +narrow and squalid lanes, harbouring a population which is held inferior +to that of the streets in social rank without yet being willing to have +itself classed with the manual toilers of the suburbs. Halfway down the +slope of such a lane, and almost within the shadow of the palace, stood +the house where Keith first arrived at some sort of consciousness of +himself and the surrounding world. + +On the fourth floor his parents occupied a three-room flat. The parlour +and the living-room had two windows each, looking into the lane. The +kitchen in the rear opened a single window on the narrowest, barest, +darkest courtyard you ever saw, its one redeeming feature being a +glimpse of sky above the red-tiled roof of the building opposite. + +In such surroundings Keith spent the better part of his first sixteen +years. + +He was an only son, much loved, and one of his first conscious +realizations was a sharp sense of restraint, as if he had been tied to a +string by which he was pulled back as soon as anything promised to +become interesting. + +At first he thought the world made up entirely of those three rooms, +where he, his parents, Granny--his maternal grandmother--and a more or +less transient servant girl had lived for ever. Visitors drifted in, of +course, but he seemed to think that they had come from nowhere and would +return to the same place. What instilled the first idea of a wider +outside world in his mind was leaning out through one of the windows, +with his mother's arm clutched tightly about his waist. + +There was something symbolic in that clutch, for his mother was always +full of fear that dire things befall him. She was afraid of many other +things besides, and the need of being constantly worried was probably +his second clear realization. + +But the clasp of his mother's arm was soft and tender for all that. Her +inclination to humour him in sundry respects not implying too much +freedom of movement contrasted favourably with the sterner restraint +exercised by his father. And so it was only natural that, to begin with, +he should cling no less closely to her than she to him. + +Leaning out of the front windows was one of the favorite pursuits of his +earliest childhood, and during the summer it could be indulged to a +reasonable extent. + +Across the lane, not more than twenty-five feet distant, was another +building, the upper parts of which he could see even when the windows +were closed. It was much darker of aspect than their own house, and he +knew that no people lived in it. He called it the distillery, just as he +heard his parents do, without knowing what the word meant. Staring as he +might into its dark windows, he could as a rule see nothing but the +grimy panes, because in the back of it there was no courtyard at +all--nothing but a solid wall without a single opening in it. + +Now and then however, he would spy the flickering light of an open-wick +lamp move about on the floor level with their own. In the fitful, +smoke-enshrouded glow of that lamp he would catch fleeting glimpses of +clumsy figures and spooklike faces bending over huge round objects, +while at the same time, if the windows were open, he would hear much +mysterious tapping and knocking. It was all very puzzling and not quite +pleasant, so that on midwinter afternoons, when he was still awake after +dark, he would not care to look very long at the house opposite, and +the drawing of the shades came as an actual relief. + +Letting his glance drop straight down from one of their windows, he saw, +at a dizzying depth, the cobbles of the lane, lined on either side by a +gutter made out of huge smooth stones. There was often water in the +gutter even on dry days, when the intense blueness of the sky-strip +overhead showed that the sun must be shining brightly. Sometimes the +water was thick and beautifully coloured, and then he yearned to get +down and put his hands into it. But to do so, he gathered from his +mother, would not only be dangerous and contrary to her will and wish, +but quite out of the question for some other reason that he could not +grasp. His mother's standing expression for it was: + +"No _nice_ little boy would ever do that." + +Keith's third realization in the way of self-consciousness was an uneasy +doubt of his own inherent nicety, for he soon discovered that whatever +was thus particularly forbidden seemed to himself particularly +desirable. + +At times he saw children playing down there--perhaps in the very gutter +for which he was longing. To him they appeared entirely like himself, +but to his mother's eye they were evidently objectionable in the same +way as the gutter. There were not many of them, however, and it was a +long time before two or three of them began to return with sufficient +regularity to assume a distinct identity in his mind. + +Older people came and went, but never many of them, and hardly ever more +than one or two at a time. Nor did he care very much. More attractive +was the sight of long, horse-drawn carts with narrow bodies resting on +two small wheels set about the centre. Generally they stopped in front +of the distillery to load or unload heavy casks or barrels of varying +size. The loading was more exciting by far, especially when the barrels +were large, for then the men had to use all their strength to roll them +up the gangway of two loose beams laid from the pavement to the cart, +and to time their efforts they shouted or chanted noisily--much to +Keith's joy and the disgust of his mother. On such occasions the air of +the lane was apt to take on a special pungency, and as he sniffed it, he +would have a sensation of mixed pleasure and revulsion. At other times +when the carts stopped in front of the warehouse below the distillery, +odours of an exclusively enjoyable character would tickle his +nostrils--odours that later he might encounter in their own kitchen and +identify with matters pleasing to the palate as well as to the nose. + +There were in all only eight houses on both sides of the lane. Four of +these were the rear parts of the corner houses facing respectively on +the Quay, at the foot of the lane and on East Long Street, at its head. +Beyond the latter there was nothing but another wall full of windows, +just like the walls flanking the lane itself. The traffic on the street +was more lively and varied, but there was not much about it to catch and +hold his interest. + +Almost invariably Keith turned his head in the other direction the +moment he had poked it out of the window and been pulled back by his +mother to a position of greater safety. There, at the foot of the lane, +only a stone's throw distant, opened the stony expanse of the quay +across which surged a veritable multitude of men and animals and +vehicles at all hours of the day. At the end of the Quay, silhouetted +against blue or grey or green water, appeared commonly the blunt nose or +the flag-draped stern of a big steamer, but hardly ever the middle part +of a hull with bridge or masts. And Keith could never recall whether the +complete shape of a full-sized vessel was finally revealed to him by +reality or by that reflection of it which, at an uncannily premature +age, he began to find in books. + +The main feature of the view, however--a sort of narrow Japanese panel +where childish eyes perceived everything as on a flat surface--was that +it continued upwards: first, a lot of water, ripped and curled by busily +scurrying steam launches and tugs, streaked by plodding rowboats, and, +at rare times, adorned by a white-sailed yacht; then, still higher up, a +shore with many trees that drew the soul magnetically by their summer +verdure; and, finally, a brightly red, toylike fort, crowned by a small +embattled tower flying the blue and yellow Swedish flag at the top. Here +was another world, indeed, larger and brighter by far, and more richly +varied, than that of his home and the lane below and the dingy courtyard +in the back. + +So he began to ask questions, and one of the first things he learned, to +his great astonishment, was that he had not always lived in the same +place--that he had been born, whatever that meant, in another and +unmistakably more desirable part of the city. + +"But why did we come here," he asked, trying instinctively to keep his +voice from sounding regretful or petulant. + +"Because the bank owns this house," his mother replied. "And because +papa acts as landlord for it, and we don't have to pay any rent here." + +Out of this confusing answer he retained a single idea: the bank. It was +in the home air, so to speak. Evidently his father was closely connected +with it, and this was good for the whole family. For a little while the +boy imagined that his father was the bank. Later he began to think of it +as some sort of superlatively powerful being that, alone in the whole +world, ranked above his father even. Still later--much later--he began +to suspect a relationship between the bank and his father resembling +that between his father and himself. And he read out of his father's +words and miens a sense of dissatisfaction not unlike the one he felt +when he was forced to do what he did not want, or prevented from doing +what he wanted. + +This was his fourth fundamental realization: of powers beyond those +directly represented within the home; powers of compelling importance +that might, or might not, be kindly; powers before which all and +everything within his own narrow world had to bow down in helpless +submission. In the end this one undoubtedly became the most significant +of all his early realizations. It tended gradually to lessen his awe of +parental authority so that, at a very early age, he developed the +courage to shape his own life and opinions regardless of his immediate +surroundings. At the same time, strange as it may seem, it inspired him +with a general respect for established authority from which he could +never quite free himself. + + + +II + +"Why don't I remember when we came here," Keith asked his mother one day +after she had let out the startling fact of his being born elsewhere. + +"Because it happened before you began to remember things," she said a +little warily. + +As frequently was the case, her reply puzzled him more than the fact it +was meant to explain, and so he asked no more questions that time. + +On the whole, he lived completely in the present, and rather on the edge +nearest the future, so that a teacher later said of him that he was in +constant danger of "falling off forward." Highstrung and restless, +sitting still did not come naturally until he had learned to read books +all by himself, and he could hardly be called introspective. While prone +to futile regrets, largely under the influence of his mother's morbid +attitude, he gave little attention as a rule to what was past and gone. + +Here was an exception, however--something concerning the past that +stirred his curiosity powerfully--and it became his first subject +for brooding. + +He could remember all sorts of things, of course. And it seemed that he +had always remembered them. Yet his mother was able to tell him things +of which he knew nothing at all, although they had happened to himself. +There might be any number of such things. What were they? Could he +recall any of them by thinking hard enough? + +When this problem laid hold of his mind he would retire to the corner +between the big bureau and the right-hand window in the living-room, +which, by formal conferment, was reserved for him as his own +"play-room." The space in that nook was large enough to hold a small +chair, a table to match, and a few toy boxes. There he would sit staring +blindly at his toys until his mother anxiously inquired what was the +matter with him. + +The great question taking precedence of all the rest was: what was the +very first thing he could remember? + +With puckered brows and peering pupils he would send his gaze back into +the misty past, and out of it emerged invariably the same image. + +He saw himself seated on a small wooden horse fastened to a little +platform with wheels under it. The horse was black with white spots, and +possessed a nobly curved neck, a head with ears on top of it, and a pair +of fiercely red nostrils. + +The next thing recurring to his mind was a sense of swift, exhilarating +movement. His father stood at one end of the living-room, his mother at +the other, and the horse with himself on it was being pushed rapidly +back and forth between them. + +He could even hear his own joyous shouts as his father sent the horse +careering across the floor by an extra strong push. The general +impression left behind by the whole scene was one of happiness so acute +that nothing else in his life compared with it. + +Was it a real memory? If so, when did it happen? And what had become of +the horse? + +Finally the pressure from within became too strong and he blurted out +the whole story to his mother in order to make sure of what it meant. + +"You never had a horse large enough to sit on," she declared +emphatically. + +"You have been dreaming, child," Granny put in. + +"What would the neighbours below have said," his mother continued. "And +the rag carpets on the floor would have caught the wheels, anyhow." + +Removing the rag carpets except for purposes of cleaning was one of the +unforgivable sins, by the bye. + +"And it isn't like your father either," Granny added after a while, not +without a suggestion of bitterness in her voice. + +"Carl is always tired when he comes home," Keith's mother rejoined in a +tone that put an end to further discussion. + +Granny's point made an impression on Keith's mind nevertheless. As far +as he could actually remember, his father had on no occasion showed such +a jolly spirit or done anything that could be used as basis for a belief +in that one questionable recollection. + +At all times of the day Keith was enjoined to keep quiet--because his +mother was not well, or because of the neighbours, or just because "nice +children should not make a noise"--but it was only after his father's +return home that these injunctions must be taken quite seriously. The +father's appearance brought an instantaneous change in the atmosphere of +the place, the boy strove instinctly to be as little noticeable as +possible. If his mercurial temperament lured him into temporary +forgetfulness, a single stern word from the father sent him back into +silence and the refuge of his own corner--or into bed. + +But the more he considered and conceded the unlikeliness of the scene +projected by some part of his mind with such persistency, the more +passionately he craved it to be a real memory of something that had +really happened to himself. + +Perhaps it was merely a dream, as Granny had suggested. Perhaps it was +something he had wished.... + +Anyhow, he did wish that his father would let him come a little closer +to himself at times--not in the same way his mother did, but as he did +in the dream--or whatever it was.... + +Once more he fell into a deep study of when he had begun to remember so +hard that he could still remember it. Out of this he was awakened by his +mother's voice: + +"What _is_ the matter, Keith?" + +"I don't know what to play," he replied out of policy, as it might bring +him something either in the way of a diversion or a treat. There were +still some of mother's delectable ginger snaps left over from the +Christmas baking. + +"Your soldiers are right in front of you," his mother said in a voice +holding out no hope. + +So Keith returned to the tin soldiers that were his most cherished +toys--perhaps because they drew fewer protests from above than anything +else, as being least conductive to outbursts of youthful vivacity. +Judging by the earnest attention with which he manoeuvred them on his +own little table or, in moments of special dispensation, on the +collapsible dining table placed against the wall between the two +windows in the living-room, he ought to have ended as a general. + + + +III + +All through his life Keith retained a queer inclination to arrange +furniture very precisely at right angles to the wall as close to it as +possible. It was a direct outcome of his first and most deeply rooted +impressions, received in that parental living-room, where every inch of +space had been carefully calculated, and where the smallest nook was +filled by a chair, or a footstool, or some other minor object. In later +years he often wondered how a single room of modest proportions could +hold so much of furniture and of life. + +It was bedroom and study, dining-room and nursery, workroom and parlour. +There the morning toilet was made, and there his first lessons were +learned. There the father did his reading, of which he was very fond, +and there the mother sewed, darned, embroidered, wrote letters, gave +household orders, told fairy tales, and received visitors. There the +simple daily meals were served for all but Granny, who clung obstinately +to the kitchen, and there friends were feasted and cards played at +nameday and birthday parties. And there three people slept every night. + +Of course, excursions could be made, particularly to the kitchen where +Granny was always restlessly waiting for "one more kiss," and once in a +great while to the "best room" which mostly was occupied by some +stranger whose small weekly rent paid the servant's wages. But to the +living-room one always returned in the end, and during his first years +this narrow confinement did not strike Keith as a hardship. + +The room seemed quite large to him at that time, with distances and +vistas and diversions sufficient for his childish fancy. It was a +pleasant room, with brightly striped rag carpets on the floor and two +pretty large windows framed by snow-white lace curtains. Crammed as it +was with objects needed for its many different uses, it was always kept +in a state of the most scrupulous order and instant disaster followed +any attempt as a disarrangement. + +It was a whole world by itself, full of interesting things for a small +boy to puzzle over. It was also a world in evolution. Every so often a +piece of furniture would disappear and a better one take its place, to +be studied and admired and tried out again and again. Back of every +improvement lay a unifying ambition. Its key-word was mahogany. The +superior social respectability of this wood could not be disputed, and +it had a sort of natural dignity that harmonized with the father's solid +taste--though the mother might have preferred something lighter and +brighter. And a microcosm of mahogany might, after all, be worth living +for when loftier illusions had gone on the scrap heap. + +Practically everything in the room had a history as well as a special +place. There was the main chest of drawers, for instance, known as +"mamma's bureau" and placed near one of the windows, where a good light +fell on the swinging mirror forming a separate piece on top of it. A +journeyman carpenter had made that chest to prove himself a master of +his trade under the old gild rules. Then he put it up at lottery to +raise money with which to open a shop of his own. Keith's father bought +a lot while still engaged, and won the prize which became the chief +wedding present of his bride--to be cherished above all other objects to +her dying day. + +It was really a fine piece of work, of mahogany, with daintily carved +and twisted columns along the front corners, and so highly polished that +Keith could see his own face in the rich brown glimmer of its surfaces. +It had four drawers. The three lower ones were divided between the +parents and held all sorts of things, from shirts and socks to mother's +mahogany yard stick, which had a turned handle and a tapering blade that +made it pass excellent muster as a sword. The top drawer could only be +pulled out halfway, but then the front of it came down and it changed +into a writing desk, with an intriguing array of small drawers and +pigeonholes at the back of it, and a suspicion of alluring and +unattainable treasures in every separate receptacle. To ransack all of +these was Keith's most audacious dream, but when the dream came true at +last, it was fraught with no ecstasy of realization, for he was a +middle-aged man, and in the room behind him his mother lay dead.... + +The mirror was flanked by two small square mahogany boxes, one holding +medicines and the other tobacco. Little mats, some crocheted and some +wonderfully composed of differently coloured glass beads, were used to +protect the boxes as well as the top of the bureau from being +scratched, and on them stood several small groups and figures of +porcelain. One of these was Keith's special favourite and his first +introduction to that world where beauty takes precedence of goodness and +truth. It showed a lady and a gentleman in dresses of a colour and cut +wholly unlike anything seen by Keith on the real persons coming within +his ken. They were seated on a richly ornamented sofa before a tea +table, and there was something about the manner in which they looked at +each other that spoke more loudly than their bright costumes of things +lying beyond ordinary existence. + +There was also a nice little girl with a doll viewing herself +complacently in a real mirror, and a lady in bloomers, apparently of +Oriental pattern, who rowed a boat hardly larger than herself, that was +raised almost on end by terrific waves. All three groups had this in +common, that when you removed the ornamental upper part, a previously +unsuspected inkstand was revealed. There was a period when Keith +seriously believed that all specimens of the keramic art were inkstands +in disguise. + +Art not represented on the bureau alone, however. The walls contained a +number of steel engravings in gilt frames, quaint old coloured prints, +family photographs, and pink-coloured reliefs of various Swedish kings +made out of wax and mounted under convex glass panes on highly polished +black boards. But all of those objects were flat and distant and +colourless in comparison with the things on the bureau that could be +touched as well as seen. As for the group with the lady and the +gentlemen, it had only one rival in the boy's mind, and that was the +big clock in a wooden case that hung on the wall between the windows +over the dining table. The hide-and-seek of the restless pendulum with +its shining brass disc was a constant source of fascination in itself, +and so were the strange operations performed by the father in front of +the clock every Sunday morning, when diversions were particularly +welcome on account of the extra restrictions on play. But its main charm +rested in the strangely pleasing sounds it produced every so often, +preceded by a funny rattle that warned small folk and big of what was +going to happen. It was Keith's first acquaintance with music. + +The parents' bed occupied the centre of the right-hand wall, between +mamma's bureau and another chest of drawers known as "Granny's bureau." +It was all wood and made in two parts that slid into each other, +reducing the daytime width of the bed by one-half. It stood parallel to +the wall, instead of at right angles, and the extension took place +sideways. At night it looked like an ordinary double bed. In the day it +almost disappeared beneath a rectangular pile of bed-clothing, covered +by a snow-white spread that was pulled and smoothed and tucked until it +hung straight as a wall. + +Granny's bureau, old-fashioned and clumsy, but made of some native wood +that glimmered like gold, was largely devoted to linen ware for bed and +table. At the top it had two small drawers instead of a long, and one of +these constituted the first storage place set aside for Keith's special +use. His impression was that it had always been his, and once he asked +his mother if it really had been his before he was born. + +"Of course it was," she said with a sly smile, "but we took the liberty +to use it for other purposes until you arrived" + +At first glance this seemed quite reasonable to Keith, though nothing to +smile at so far as he could see. Later he became conscious of a vague +sense of annoyance. It would have been more pleasant if no one else had +ever used that drawer. + +Across the room from Granny's bureau, in the corner just inside the door +to the kitchen, towered the characteristic Swedish oven--a round column +of white glazed bricks, with highly polished brass shutters in front of +the small cubical fire-place, where nothing but birchwood was burned. In +the narrow crack between the oven and the wall rested always a birch +rod, which was often referred to at critical moments. A new rod, with +brightly coloured feathers attached to the tip of every twig, appeared +regularly on Shrove Tuesday and tended slightly to spoil that otherwise +glorious day, when large cross buns stuffed with a mixture of crushed +almond and sugar were served in hot milk for dinner. Though the rod was +little more than a symbol of family discipline, Keith always disliked +its presence as a threat to his dignity if not to his hide. + +A double washstand, looking like a document chest in the daytime, the +chaiselongue on which Keith slept at night, and the door to the best +room occupied all the rest of that wall except a corner by the window, +where stood his mother's high-backed easy chair, with the little +work-table beside it and a hassock in front of it. To that chair she +would retire whenever her household duties permitted, and thither Keith +would be drawn even more powerfully than to his own "play-room" at the +opposite corner--especially when his mother seemed in a happy mood. +There he would kneel on the hassock, with his head in her lap, and if he +could think of nothing else, he would say: + +"Tell me about the time you were in London." + + + +IV + +While still in her early twenties, Keith's mother had spent two years +with an English family living in Sweden. She always described her +position as that of "lady companion" to the mistress of the house. As a +little boy, Keith did not know enough to ask any embarrassing questions. +Having learned more of life, he began to suspect that his mother's place +might have been little better than that of a servant, and the thought of +it made his soul shrink and wither. + +When the family moved back to England, Keith's mother went along and +spent a whole year in London. It was her great adventure, the phase of +her past of which she spoke most eagerly and lovingly. She had formed a +passionate liking for the English language, of which she had picked up a +good deal, as well as for English character and English manners. She +never tired of telling about the great city of London, and Keith never +tired of listening. + +"I was so homesick when I first got there," she would say, "that I cried +day and night. Then, one night, I heard a cat mewing on the roof outside +my window. It was the first Swedish sound I had heard since I came to +England, and after that I felt much better." + +"Why didn't you stay," asked Keith. + +"Because then there would have been no little Keith," she explained, her +face lighting up with the kind of grown-up smile that always provoked +and perplexed the boy. + +"Are there no boys in England," he persisted. + +"Yes, plenty of them, and fine ones at that. But I wanted no one but +you, and you were here, and so I had to come back to get you." + +"Here," he repeated. "Where here?" + +"In Sweden, of course," his mother rejoined, and then she started +hurriedly to describe the wonders of London shopping. + +"But why did you go at all," he interrupted after listening a while to +what seemed less interesting to him than certain other points. "I might +have been lost while you were away." + +"You might," she assented, "but I had to take the risk because I had to +get a name for you and I could never have found the one you have +in Sweden." + +"Why not?" + +"Because it is English. And it should be pronounced _Keeth_ instead of +_Kite_ as they say here. I found it in a book over there, and I fell in +love with it the moment I saw it, and I made up my mind that if I ever +had a boy, that would be his name." + +"_If_ you had a boy," Keith took her up. "But you knew I was here?" + +"Of course, I knew," said his mother in the tone that always warned him +that a change of occupation would be in order. "Run along and play in +your own corner now. I must get some work done." + +At other times, when the talk didn't drift off into dangerous by-paths, +his mother would tell little anecdotes in English learned from her +former mistress, and generally end up by singing a little song about a +ball--probably one that had something to do with cricket. And Keith +would exultantly repeat the last line, which was the only one he +could remember: + +"And then she _popped_, and then she died." + +It was the word _popped_ that caught his fancy, partly because it was so +funny in itself, and partly because it had to be uttered with a sort of +explosion on a very high note. As far as his rendering of the rest was +concerned--well, it was early discovered and reluctantly admitted that, +like his father, he could not even sing "Old Man Noah," which is the +simplest melody imaginable to a musical mind in Sweden. + +His failure in this respect gave his mother a slight pang every time it +was brought home to her, although she made fun of it and pretended she +didn't care. Music had been her young heart's dream. It was the only art +for which she showed a genuine regard. And two of her pet grievances +were that she didn't have a piano, and that, if she had one, she could +not play on it. + +But his father used to say that the only instrument he cared to hear was +a drum. + + + +V + +His mother's chief grievance was her health. She was rarely quite well, +and they had a family physician who would appear from time to time +without being sent for. Yet her illness seemed, as a rule, not to +prevent her from being about and attending to her household duties. + +Once, however, while Keith was still too small to receive clear +impressions, she had to keep in bed for a long time and during much of +that time she seemed to have forgotten him entirely. The father was more +taciturn and reserved than usual, and even the boy could see that he was +worried. Friends and relatives came and went with a quite uncommon +frequency, and all of them spoke to Keith in a strange manner that, +although not unpleasant, had a tendency to make him choke. A hundred +times a day he was told that he must keep quiet for his mother's sake, +and that it was no time for boisterous playing--if he really must play +at all. Most of the time he was in the kitchen, and on a few occasions +he was even permitted to stay all by himself in the parlour, where there +were all sorts of big books with any number of pictures on the fine oval +table standing in front of an old sofa so huge that to crawl up on its +seat was almost like going off into another room. + +Finally he was taken to the home of Aunt Brita, his father's married +sister, in another part of the town and kept there, a bewildered +prisoner in a strange land, until one day his aunt told him that his +mother was well and wanted him to come home, but that he would have to +be a more than usually good boy for a long time yet, unless he wanted to +lose his mother forever. + +When, at last, he was home again, his mother pulled him up to herself in +the bed, embraced him passionately and sobbed as if it had been a +farewell instead of a greeting. He wept, too, and clung to his mother as +if in fright, while she told him that he must always do just what she +told him and, above all, not scare her by going off so that she did not +know where he was. + +The father stood beside the bed watching them. And as Keith happened to +look up once, he saw that his father's eyes were moist with tears. The +boy could hardly believe it, and a little later he wondered whether he +had been mistaken, for his father spoke just then in his sternest tone, +and all he said was: + +"Yes, I hope you will behave a little better after this than you have +done before." + +Many more weeks went before his mother was herself again. Even then a +difference remained. She was more given to worry than before and clung +to husband and child with a concern that frequently became oppressive. + +Then, one fine day, she was all gay and smiling again, and bustled about +the home with new eagerness, and told Keith a lot of things about +England, and once actually danced across the floor while he was vainly +trying to keep step with her. And the father tried hard to look his +grouchiest when he returned home that night, but failed. And Keith was +allowed to stay up quite late, and when he was in bed at last, and +almost asleep, he thought he saw his father in the big easy chair by the +window, with the mother seated on his lap kissing him. And just as he +was dropping off, he heard, as if in a dream, his father's voice saying: + +"Look out! I think the Crown Prince is still awake!" + + + +VI + +Some persons said that Keith looked like his father, others that he was +the very image of his mother. + +"He has my light hair and Carl's brown eyes," said his mother often when +that topic was under discussion, and saying it seemed to make her happy. + +"As a baby he was so pretty that people would stop us on the street to +ask whose child he was," Granny might put in, if she happened to be +within hearing. Then she would add with a glance at Keith: "But that is +all gone now." + +Keith himself never gave much thought to his looks, but any comparison +with his mother struck him as quite foolish. + +He liked to look at her, especially at her hair, which was very +plentiful and in colour like beaten copper with glints of gold in it. +Her skin was very fair and soft as the softest velvet. Her eyes were +blue, and in bright moments they had the softness of the sky of a +Swedish summer night. But when the clouds of depression closed in upon +her, they grew pale and light less and disturbingly furtive, so that +Keith's glance found it hard to meet them. + +Her gaiety sparkled when she was herself, and she had a passionate love +of everything that was bright and pleasant. Once she had always been +that way and at times she would tell Keith what a wonderful time she had +as a girl, and how she used to be the centre and inspiration of every +social gathering in which she took part. She had a quick mind, too, and +a heart full of impulsive generosity. But from one extreme she would go +to another, so that, when the dark moments came, she would even regret +kindnesses conferred while the sun was still shining. In such moments +she would sometimes speak to the boy of her ailment as if he were in +some mysterious way responsible for it. + +Yet she loved the boy to distraction and became filled with unreasoning +anxiety the moment he was out of sight. Her attitude toward her husband +was the same. He could never leave the home or return to it without +being kissed. The moment he was outside the kitchen door, she hastened +to the window and leaned out of it so that she might watch him until he +vanished about the corner at the head of the lane. And there she +generally lay waiting for him when he came home. If he was late, which +happened almost every day, she would be the victim of a thousand fears +as she made more and more frequent trips between the kitchen and the +living-room window. When he finally came, she acted as if she had not +seen him for months while he pretended to be more or less bored by her +attentions. + +But there were moments, too, when her tenderness flared into startling +outbursts of bleak, cutting anger, giving way in the end to floods of +hysterical tears. A couple of such tempests formed part of Keith's +earliest reliable memories. + + + +VII + +As a rule Keith slept far too soundly to be aroused by anything. One +night, however, there was so much loud talking in the room that he woke +up completely. For a while he lay quite still, but with wide-open +eyes and ears. + +The big lamp had been placed on the washstand back of the chaiselongue +on which he was lying, evidently in order to prevent its light from +falling on his face. + +His mother was seated, fully dressed, on the edge of the bed across the +room. Her face was white as snow. Her eyes blazed with a sort of cold +fire. Her whole body seemed to tremble with a feeling so tense that he +could not find words for it. + +The father was leaning far backwards on an ordinary chair, with his +outstretched right arm resting on the dining table. His face was flushed +and the thick fringe of black hair about the bald top of his head was +slightly disordered. He tried to smile, but the smile turned into a +grin. When he spoke, his voice was a little thick. + +"I can't keep entirely away from my comrades." he said. "They think +already that I am too stuck up to associate with them. I haven't been +out for two weeks. I haven't had a drop more tonight than I can stand. +And it isn't twelve o'clock yet." + +All of a sudden Keith saw the cold, angry light go out of his mother's +eyes. Her face twisted convulsively. She sank into a heap on the bed, +sobbing as if her heart would break then and there. + +"Carl," she screamed between two sobs. "You'll kill me if you talk like +that to me!" + +"Like that," he repeated in a stunned toneless voice. Then his face +flushed almost purple. A hard look came into his eyes, and he rose so +abruptly that the chair upset behind him. At the same time he brought +down his fist with such violence that the table nearly toppled over. + +"I'll be damned if I stand this kind of thing one moment longer," he +shouted hoarsely. + +But even as he spoke, his eyes fell on the boy. As if by magic, his +self-control returned. + +"The boy is awake," he said in his usual tone of stern reserve. + +There was a moment's silence. A few more sobs came from the mother. Then +she sat up, wiped her eyes, and spoke in a tone that was almost calm: + +"Go to sleep again, Keith. Your father and I were merely talking about +some things that you don't understand yet." + +When she saw that the boy was crying, she came over to him, kneeled down +beside him and put her arms about him. Soon her kisses and her soothing +words had their wonted effect, and he dropped off once more into the +deep, deathlike slumber of childhood. + +The air remained tense in the household for several days, but nothing +further happened until one night when the father arrived a little later +than usual from his work, looking just as he did the night of the +quarrel. Again his speech was a little thick, and the mother's face +assumed an ominous look. She said nothing about what was nearest her +heart, however, she started instead to complain of some petty +disobedience on the part of Keith. + +"If you spanked him a little more and humoured him la little less, he +would obey more readily," said the father. + +His words carried no particular menace, and there seemed no reason why +the boy should be scared. But perhaps there was something else in the +atmosphere that affected his sensitive nerves and sent him unexpectedly +into a paroxysm of weeping. + +"Stop it," cried his father dark with sudden anger. "Stop it, I tell +you." + +"You leave the boy alone," cried the mother, her face as white as the +father's was red. + +"We'll see whether he'll obey or not!" + +As he spoke, the father sat down on the nearest chair, picked up the boy +and put him face down across his knees. + +Keith's heart seemed to stop. He even ceased weeping. Then he heard his +mother cry out: + +"If you touch the boy, I'll throw myself out of the window!" + +"Oh, hell!" came back from the father. With that he half dropped and +half flung the boy to the floor, so that the latter rolled across the +room and landed under the chaiselongue. + +There Keith lay, still as a mouse, until he was pulled out by his +mother. He didn't begin to cry again, and he was no longer scared or +upset. A few moments later he was undressing and going to bed as if +nothing had happened. + +Another week had hardly passed, when Keith was waked up again at night, +but this time by a noise as if the house was falling. As he sat up in +bed, staring wildly about him, his nostrils became filled with a smell +that was quite new to him. It was like smoke, but more pungent. + +The living-room was dark, but the door to the parlour stood open, and +light came through it. Not a sound could be heard for a few moments. + +Then his mother came running into the room and flung herself on her +knees beside the chaiselongue. + +"Oh, my boy, my boy, my boy!" she cried over and over again as she +pressed Keith to her breast, rocking him back and forth. + +A few seconds later the father also came in carrying the lamp in one +hand. Having put it on the dining table, he dropped down on a chair as +if too exhausted to stand up. + +His face showed a pallor quite strange to it and for the first and only +time in his life Keith thought that his father looked scared. + +"Don't, Anna," the father said after a while, sitting up straight on the +chair. "It's all right now--" + +Then a thought or a memory seemed to recur to him, and he said in a +voice that nearly broke: + +"God, but it was a close call for both of us! And if it had happened to +you, I would have followed you on the spot!" + +"Carl, Carl!" cried the mother, letting Keith go and throwing her arms +about her husband instead. "What would have become of Keith?" + +It was the first time the boy was taken into his parents' confidence to +some extent. He was still too young to grasp all the implications, but +the main facts were plain enough even to him. + +The parlour was rented as usual, but the man occupying it was not at +home. The parents had gone in there together on some errand. Seeing a +small pistol hanging on the wall above the big sofa, the father took it +down and began to play with it, never for a moment suspecting it of +being loaded. + +First he pointed it at himself, then at Keith's mother. Each time he was +about to pull the trigger, and each time something seemed to hold him +back. Finally he turned the weapon toward the wall and pressed down with +his finger. As he did so, the shot rang out that waked the boy. + +The next day Keith was permitted to examine the mark made by the bullet +in the wall. It was all very exciting. But the final result of that +incident was as unforeseen as the shot itself. + +The whole affair evidently made a deep impression on Keith's father. He +ceased almost completely to go out by himself at night. In fact he +became so averse to leaving his home that it was hard to get him out +when the mother wanted him to go. And never again did Keith hear his +parents quarrel openly. + +But now and then when his father came home from work, Keith would +notice that same slight thickness of speech which had forced itself on +his attention on two extraordinary occasions. + +He was a man himself before he realized what that thickness signified in +his father's life. + + + +VIII + +"Oh, mamma, you mustn't!" cried Keith's mother one day when she came out +into the kitchen and found the boy munching a slice of white bread with +butter on it. + +"He likes it so much," replied Granny easily. + +"But you know what Carl has said," the mother rejoined rather +impatiently. "He'll find out sooner or later if you disregard it, and +then he'll be furious." + +"So he will anyhow," muttered Granny. + +"Mamma!" protested the mother. "It's for the boy's own good. He should +only eat hard bread except on Sundays and when we have company. It is +much better for his teeth. And it makes him stronger too. You want to be +big and strong, don't you Keith?" + +"It's a wonder his father lets him have anything at all to eat," Granny +put in before Keith had a chance to answer. + +"You must not talk like that, mamma," said the mother sharply. "Least of +all when the boy hears it." Then she turned to Keith again: "Don't you +believe what Granny says. Your father is merely thinking of what is +good for you. He loves you just as much as I do--or your grandmother. +But he thinks we are spoiling you. And he wants you to grow up and be a +real man. That's why he hates to see you cry." + +There was a pause while Keith pondered the matter--not seriously +concerned on the whole, as long as the tidbit was not taken away +from him. + +"Don't you love your father," his mother asked suddenly. + +"Ye-es," Keith answered mechanically. + +Then he began to ponder again. His feelings toward his father were far +too complicated for utterance. They seemed to have nothing whatsoever to +do with love, if that was what he felt for his mother. There was +undoubtedly a great deal of fear in his attitude toward the father, and +also resentment that at times would flare into something bordering on +hatred. But this attitude was combined with a lot of respect, not to say +admiration. At times it would also be tinged with a longing that he +could not explain or express. And if ever the father gave him the +slightest evidence of friendliness, he would be thrown into a rapture of +happiness that nothing done by his mother could equal. + +He adored his mother, and clung to her, and relied on her and wheedled +her, but it was an open question whether, at heart, he felt any +particular respect for her--although he was quite proud of certain +things about her. And as for Granny, whom, in a way, he loved more than +anybody else, because she petted him and indulged his slightest whims, +there could simply be no talk about respecting her. Even Keith realized +that she was not in the respected class. + +His father was, on the other hand. There could be no doubt about that. +If he had only been willing to unbend a little now and then.... + + + +IX + +The kitchen had other attractions than Granny, though she ranked +foremost. + +As Keith came out from the living-room, he had on his right the huge, +old-fashioned fire-place--a regular fortress of brick, with a modern +cook stove of iron set into one corner of it. It was entirely covered by +a smoke-hood of painted metal sheeting, with a flange on its outside +edge along which were placed a number of lids. + +On his left was a set of shelves filled from top to bottom with pots and +pans and kettles of every possible size and shape, including a cauldron +so huge and heavy that it took two people to get it out with ease from +its place on the bottom shelf. An overwhelming majority of these +utensils were of copper and so highly polished that they shone like suns +setting through a fog bank. Some of them made good toys, but "things for +use and not for play" was an old maxim often quoted by both parents and +grudgingly repeated by Granny herself. + +A big sofa, in which the grandmother slept at night stood along the +centre of the wall on the left. The corner beyond held a wall-fast +cupboard so large that it looked like a closet built into the room. It +serves both as pantry and buffet, and was full of things tempting to a +young palate. + +In the opposite corner, beyond the window and right by the outside door, +stood an open water barrel holding about twenty gallons. There was no +running water above the ground floor. Every drop had to be carried three +flights of stairs from the courtyard. What was needed for drinking and +cooking was kept in a copper can, two feet high, with a lid on top and a +spout in front that made it look like a badly overgrown tea kettle. +Water for all other uses had to come out of the barrel. To keep both +vessels filled was a heavy task, and waste of water was regarded as +little short of a crime. The sacredness of the barrel and its contents +was a mystery to Keith until he grew old enough to do some of the +carrying. Then he began to understand. + +Most of the water went to the stove, where operations of one kind or +another were carried on from morning till night, tempting the boy with +their mysteries or their promises. In the uppermost corner of the hood +was a square opening covered by an iron lid. When the lid was down and +you crawled right up into the fire-place, you could see the sky through +the chimney. + +One day, when Keith had sneaked into the kitchen uninvited, he noticed +something unusual going on in the fire-place. All the paraphernalia had +been cleared away. The lid was open, and from the chimney issued strange +noises. Then soot began to fall in masses, and finally appeared a pair +of human feet, quite bare and all black. + +It was very funny and very disconcerting. Keith watched with bulging +eyes and trembling heart, until at last a whole big man came out of the +chimney. As he crouched for a moment on the fire-place before getting +down on the floor, he turned on Keith a pair of eyes that seemed to be +all white and big as moons. + +At that moment fear got the better of curiosity, and Keith made haste to +bury his face in Granny's lap. + +"Yes, Keith had better look out," grinned the servant girl, "for the +chimney sweep takes all bad little boys." + +"I'll take you, if you talk like that," the black figure in the +fire-place shot back at her. + +The tone of his voice made Keith steal another glance at him. The white +eyes shone right at him in a rather friendly fashion, and further down a +huge red slit in the black face framed two rows of teeth no less white +than the eyes. Keith guessed that the dark visitor from the chimney was +smiling at him in a fashion that seemed to bode no harm. + +In another minute the man was gone, and Keith hurried back to the +living-room to ask a question of his mother: + +"Could he really take me?" + +"Not unless we gave him leave," she replied. "But sometimes, when little +boys are very, _very_ bad, their parents turn them over to the sweep as +apprentices, because they are not good for anything else." + +Keith thought long and hard. + +"I ain't bad," he declared at last. + +"Not exactly," his mother remarked diplomatically "But you could be a +great deal better. What were you doing in the kitchen just now? I have +told you not to run out there all the time. Lena does not like you to +get in her way, you know." + +"But Granny is there," Keith protested. + +"Yes, of course, and you must be nice to her, but...." + +As his mother did not go on, Keith asked: "Why does Granny always stay +in the kitchen?" + +"Because she wants to," his mother answered. + +"But why does she want to?" + +"It is her way--a sort of pride she has. And I have long ago given up +trying to persuade her." + +Her tone indicated clearly that further discussion of the subject was +not desirable. + + + +X + +Keith was playing in his own corner that very evening, trying to keep as +quiet as possible while his father had an unusually late dinner. His +mother had gone out into the kitchen a few moments earlier. Thence she +returned suddenly with a half empty bottle in her hand and a look of +extreme annoyance on her face. + +"Carl," she said, "look what I just found in a corner of the cupboard." + +"Humph," the father grunted with a sideglance at the bottle. "Ours is +locked up, is it not?" + +"Yes, but that is neither here nor there. She would rather die, she +says, than touch a drop of ours." + +"Where does she get it?" + +"I can't make it out. Somebody must bring it in, of course. I fear it +is Mrs. Karlgren, and I am simply going to tell her to keep away +hereafter. The idea of her coming here practically begging, and then +doing such a thing, after all I have done for her!" + +"But you are not sure," the father objected earnestly, and Keith paid +special notice to his objection because he had already learned, or +divined, that his father could not bear the sight of the poor woman +in question. + +"No, it is impossible to be sure," the mother admitted. Then she added +after a pause: "What puzzles me more than anything else is where she +gets the money." + +Though no name was mentioned, Keith knew perfectly well that they were +speaking of Granny. And he recalled having laughed at her in the kitchen +earlier in the evening before the father came home. Her eyes had a funny +look and seemed a little inflamed. Her still thick braids were loosened +and about to come entirely undone. She was talking more than usual and +in a tone that suggested defiance. + +As he recalled all this, Keith forgot to listen to his parents, who went +on discussing so intently that he was able to leave his corner and reach +the door to the kitchen unnoticed. An irresistible desire to see Granny +at once had seized him. Back of it lay a vaguely sensed mixture of +curiosity and sympathy. + +Granny was in her favourite place beside the kitchen sofa, seated on a +footstool almost as large as an ordinary chair, but somewhat lower. That +stool was the one bone of contention between her and Keith, because he +was carrying it off as often as he could get at it. Turned upside down, +with Keith seated snugly between its four legs, it became a sleigh +drawn across icy plains by a team of swift reindeer, or a ship rocking +mightily on the high seas. + +The kitchen was full of a peculiar sweetish smell, by which Keith knew +without looking that Granny was dressing the old wound on her left leg +that had developed "the rose" and would not heal. She was leaning far +over, busy with a bandage which she wound tightly about her leg, from +the ankle to the knee. The boy sniffed the familiar smell with a vague +sense of discomfort, which, however, did not prevent him from going up +to the grandmother and putting one arm about her neck. + +"Old hurt is hard to mend," she muttered quoting one of the old saws +always on her lips. Then without raising her head, she added in the +peevish, truculent tone of a thwarted child: "You had better go back in +there before they come and get you. I am nothing but a servant, and as +such I know my place and keep it. I am less than a servant, for they +wouldn't dare do to Lena what they do to me." + +"Oh, yes, they would," Lena put in from across the room. "And they would +have a right, too." + +As if she had not heard at all, Granny sat up straight and looked hard +at the boy. + +"Whatever you do, Keith," she said, and he noticed that her voice +sounded a little strange, "see that you make a lot of money when you +grow up. To be poor is to have no rights, and the worst thing of all is +to be dependent on others, no matter how near they are to you." + +"I think Mrs. Carlsson is very ungrateful," said Lena. "There are +thousands of old people who would give anything to have a nice home and +nothing to worry over." + +"Anybody can talk, but it takes a head to keep silent," said Granny +impersonally, quoting another old saw. Then her manner changed abruptly +and she turned to Keith effusively. + +"Give me a kiss! You love your old Granny, don't you? You don't despise +her, do you, because she has nothing and is nothing? And can be sure she +loves you more than anybody else." + +The boy's feelings were so mixed that he really could not feel anything +at all. His arm was still about the grandmother's neck, mechanically he +gave her the kiss she asked for, but it was with real relief he saw his +mother open the door to the living-room and responded to her demand that +he go to bed at once. + + + +XI + +Hardly any memory left behind by Keith's childhood was more acute than +the image of Granny seated in the centre of the kitchen, her stolid, yet +pleasant old face bent over some household task, and her whole figure +instinct with a passive protest against her enforced dependency or, +maybe against life's arbitrariness in general. One moment she seemed to +be brooding deeply, and the next she looked as if there was not a +thought in her head. For one reason or another, her anomalous position +and peculiar attitude occupied Keith's mind a great deal, and many of +the questions with which he plied his mother were concerned with Granny. +They were fairly discreet as a rule, but on the morning after the scene +just described, some impulse of which he had no clear understanding made +him perplex his mother with the abrupt question: + +"Why does Granny drink?" + +They were alone in the living-room at the time, she seated in her big +easy chair by the window and he, as usual, kneeling on the hassock +at her feet. + +She looked up at him with as much surprise as if he had hit her +viciously. A deeper red flowed into her cheeks that kept their soft +pinkness even when she was thought at death's door and lost it only +under the pressure of extreme anger. + +At the same time a look came into her eyes that gave Keith a momentary +scare. It was only a flash, however, and changed quickly into something +like the helplessness that used to characterize her glance in moments of +heavy depression. Her voice trembled a little as she spoke: + +"Because Granny's life has been very hard, and not very happy." + +"Tell me about it," urged the boy. + +There was a long pause during which he watched his mother's face +closely. Gradually its expression changed into one of resignation, and +then into determination, as if she had made up her mind to be done once +for all with a task that could not be avoided indefinitely. It was a +long story she told, at first hesitatingly, then with an eagerness that +betrayed an awakening purpose. Everything she said stuck deeply in the +boy's mind, and whenever he thought of Granny's life afterwards, he had +the impression of having learned all about it at that one time, although +the likelihood is that many details were picked up by degrees and +dovetailed into the memory of that first narrative as integral parts +of it. + +"Your grandmother was not born to be a servant," his mother began. "She +was a rich man's daughter, and there was not a thing her father didn't +want to do for her. Yet he left her in the hands of strangers who +cheated her of her rights and treated her as if she had been a +beggar...." + +"Why did they do it," the boy asked, quite unable to grasp the idea of +such a thing. + +"Because they could make a little more money that way, and because they +cared for nothing but money. Promise me, Keith, that whatever happens to +you, and whatever the temptation be, you will never put money above +everything else." + +Keith shook his head earnestly, meaning it to be sign of assent. He was +a highly impressible child, and when his mother spoke to him like that, +he used literally to choke with a feeling that he could never, never do +anything but what she asked, but when another rush of feeling swept over +him, the old promises were also likely to be swept out of his mind. + +"Those people did the worst thing any one can do to anybody else. They +twisted Granny's life so that it could never be set right again. And so +she became what you see her now...." + +"You mean she just couldn't help herself," Keith put in. + +"Yes, that's what I mean," she agreed. Then she stopped as if struck by +another thought, and said very slowly: + +"Although, if she had been really strong...." + +Once more she stopped and returned abruptly to her story: + +"Your great-grandfather made and sold hats, and he earned a lot of +money, and they made him a City Councillor...." + +"Where," Keith broke in again. + +"In Skara," his mother explained, "which is a city that lies a long way +from here, and when you begin to learn geography, you will know where it +is.... Everybody liked your great-grandfather...." + +"What was his name," Keith couldn't help asking. + +"Lack," she said, "and now you mustn't interrupt me any more if you want +me to go on." + +"Please," Keith pleaded. "I won't!" + +"The reason they liked him," she resumed, "was that he was so +good-hearted that he couldn't say no to anybody or anything. He didn't +seem to care for money at all, and he used to say: 'What's money between +friends?' Everybody wanted to be friends with him in those days, and +everybody borrowed from him, until he didn't have enough left for his +business, and then they laughed at him. He tried in his turn to borrow, +but no one could spare a penny, and when things went entirely wrong with +him, one of those who had got most from him made a funny saying about +him: 'Now Lack lacks everything because everybody has what Lack lacks.' +So, you see, you mustn't think too little of money either, but learn to +be careful and keep what you have." + +Keith nodded dutifully, but where the right road lay, he could not see. + +"The worst thing was," the mother went on, "that your great-grandmother +died when Granny was only nine. There were brothers and sisters, too, +and she was the youngest. And it was then that her father got the idea +to send her to some farmer people he knew, quite some distance from +where he lived. He did it partly for the sake of Granny's health, and +partly because he was too worried about other things to look after her +properly himself. And he paid a lot of money for her board, and sent her +fine clothes, and arranged that she was to be taught by the pastor of +the parish, and he sent friends to ask about her, but he never came +himself. The people who were to take care of Granny kept the money and +the clothes, and put her to work as if she had been a servant, and +didn't let her get the least bit of schooling. And when her father's +friends came and asked about her, they told all sorts of tales about how +well she was doing, but she was so shy, they said, that she always ran +away when any visitor came to the place." + +"Did she," asked Keith. + +"Yes, she really did," the mother admitted. "She was ashamed of the way +she looked and was dressed, and yet she was quite pretty, and she had +the most wonderful hair that reached to her feet when she let it down." + +"But, why didn't she tell somebody?" Keith insisted, his blood running +hot with wrath at the injustice to which Granny had been submitted. + +"Oh, because ..." said his mother wearily, "because your grandmother +has always been peculiar in that way when she knew she was being +wronged. 'What is the use?' she says. And then word came that her father +had gone bankrupt and had died soon after. No one seemed to pay the +least attention to her. She stayed where she was, and she couldn't work +any harder than she had done all the time. But when she was to be +confirmed, and had to go to church every week with all the other +children of her own age, she was the poorest of them all, both in fact +and in appearance, she didn't have one person in the world to whom she +could turn. She has told me that she used to lie awake nights crying and +thinking of running away, but she couldn't make up her mind to +that either." + +She stopped, and Keith waited in vain for the rest of the story. + +"And then," he urged. + +"Oh, then she came to Stockholm and married your grandfather--my papa, +you know. And now Lena is waiting for me to tell her what we are to have +for dinner." + +Keith went back to his own corner for a while. Then he made a dash for +the kitchen, where he found Granny seated in her usual place peeling +potatoes. Having placed a smaller foot-stool beside the large one in +which she was seated, he got up on it so that he could put both arms +about her neck. Pressing his own soft cheek against hers, he +asked brokenly: + +"Are you very unhappy, Granny?" + +"No," she answered placidly, "not when you are willing to give me a +kiss." + +"All right," he said without enthusiasm as he complied with her +request. At the same time he recalled suddenly that he had not played a +single game with his tin soldiers that whole morning. + + + +XII + +The boy had a logical mind. He knew that Granny's story had not been +finished, and he wanted all of it. At the first opportune moment he +asked his mother: + +"Was Granny a little girl when she came to Stockholm?" + +"No," said his mother unsuspectingly, "she was already a young woman." + +"What did she do before?" + +"I told you," the mother replied, now on her guard. + +"You told me what she did as a little girl, but not afterwards. I want +to know." + +"Oh, she worked, I suppose." + +There was evidently nothing more to be had in that direction. + +"And what did she do in Stockholm," Keith pushed on. + +"She married your grandfather, as I told you, and then I was born." + +"What was he?" + +The mother remained silent for a good long while, and Keith repeated his +question, not yet having learned that unanswered questions generally +are unwelcome questions. + +"He was a _vaktmästare_," she said finally, and Keith knew that, for +some reason, she found the word unpleasant. + +The boy reflected a while before he observed: + +"That's what papa is." + +"Your father's position is quite different," his mother rejoined +sharply. "It's a shame that he and his comrades in the bank have no +other title--although some of them deserve nothing better." + +"What should they be called?" + +"I don't know exactly--collectors, I think, because they go around and +collect the money that is due to the bank." + +"And what are real _vaktmästare_ doing?" + +"The real ones work in government departments--not as officials, but +just as attendants--it's something you can't understand yet." + +Keith nodded. He didn't understand, but the words stuck and the +understanding came later. + +"And those that are not real," he persisted. + +His mother laughed and patted him on the head. + +"There is a lot of them," she said. "They look after coats and hats in +theatres and restaurants, and wait at dinners, and do all sorts +of things." + +"Was that what grandfather was doing?" + +A queer look came into his mother's eyes and sent a glow of +self-satisfaction through his whole being. The look was familiar to him +and meant that his mother was annoyed by the question but pleased with +his cleverness in thinking of it. + +"No," she answered, "not exactly...." + +"What did he do," asked Keith, and as he spoke he sent a look of +anticipation toward his own corner. + +"He was an attendant in the big club where all the rich business-men go +to spend their evenings, and he died when I was a little girl ... have +you nothing else to ask about?" + +"What was papa's father," Keith ventured after a pause. + +"He worked in the royal palace." Again the mother's tone served as a +warning, but also as a goad to the boy's curiosity. + +"What did he do there," he demanded eagerly. + +The lines about his mother's mouth grew tighter and harder, and she +spoke as if the words hurt her--but she did not refuse to answer, and +she did not send him away: + +"He was a lackey." + +From the moment he began to speak, Keith had showed an unusual sense for +the value and peculiarities of words. They interested him for their own +sake, one might say. He treasured them, and he gave more thought to them +than to people. The word lackey he had heard before, and he had formed a +distinct opinion about it as not desirable. + +"Then he was a servant," he blurted out. + +"In a way," his mother admitted. "And we are all servants, for that +matter. But working in the king's palace is not like--working as Lena +does here, for instance." + +The last part of her remark went by unheeded by Keith. His thoughts +leapt instead to his paternal grandmother--a strict and unapproachable +little lady who visited them at rare intervals dressed in a quaint old +shawl and a lace-trimmed cap. A great wonder, not unmixed with pleasure, +rose in his mind at the thought that her husband had been a sort of +servant after all. For some reason utterly beyond him, there was solace +as well as humiliation in the consciousness of a stigma, if such it be, +that attached equally to both his grandfathers, and not only to his +mother's parent. Then a new idea prompted a new question. + +"Was Granny a servant when she came to Stockholm?" + +"She was obliged to take service in order to live," his mother replied +very gently. "There is nothing about that to be ashamed of.... I have +known fine ladies who started in the kitchen. But, of course, one +doesn't like to talk of it to everybody." + +Keith recognized the hint in her final words, but thought it needless. +He was already on his way back to his own corner, tired for the time of +asking questions, when he suddenly turned and said: + +"We are just as good as anybody else, are we not?" + +It was a phrase he had overheard sometime. Now it seemed to fit the +occasion, and it sounded good to him. + +"There is the royal family," his mother rejoined enigmatically. "But one +of Granny's cousins was a lieutenant-colonel in the army." + +"Where is he now," Keith demanded, agog with interest. + +"He is dead, and--and we have never had anything to do with his family." + + + +XIII + +The inquisitiveness of Keith with regard to his ancestors and the past +life of his parents continued for quite a while. Other family +connections seemed unreal and did not interest him. Having no sister or +brother of his own, relationships of that kind were meaningless to him. +Parents, on the other hand, constituted a tangible personal experience, +and the presence of Granny taught that this experience was common to +grown-up people as well as children. + +The curiosity he evinced was queerly impersonal, however, and might well +be called intellectual. The information he received had no power over +his own life. He could have been told anything, and he would have +accepted it calmly as something not affecting himself. The only thing +that influenced him was the manner of the person answering his +questions. To that manner he was almost morbidly sensitive, and from it +he concluded whether the various details related should please or +disturb him. + +Instinctively he pressed his inquiries at points eliciting marked +resistance. And it was not what he actually learned, but the evasions +encountered, that produced the sensitiveness about his own backgrounds +which later often influenced his attitude harmfully at moments when he +most needed complete self-assurance. It was the reluctance with which +certain parts of the family history were told, and the total +withholding of others, that taught him to be ashamed of things for which +he could not be held personally responsible. The effect of this lesson +on his character was the more fatal because it remained unconscious so +long. Having become doubtful as to the worth of the roots of the tree, +it was only natural that he should also feel doubts about the fruit. + +Concerning the real character of his forbears he learned next to +nothing. All that he heard related to external circumstances that were, +or were not, judged respectable and presentable. One fact in particular +was subject to the most rigid exclusion from all family conversations, +and yet it leaked down to Keith at a time when he was utterly incapable +of appreciating its significance. It piqued him mightily without +disturbing him. + +One day they were visited by his father's married sister, who was +lacking in sentimentality and had a disturbing way of calling a spade a +spade. The inevitable testing of the boy's cleverness by making him tell +his own name led to a discussion of family names in general, Keith's +mother expressing a great admiration for that of Wellander. + +"Oh, yes, it's good enough," remarked her sister-in-law, "but it is not +the right one, you know, and the old one was much finer." + +"I know," said the mother, "but I don't know what the name used to be." + +"Cederskjöld, and I think it was recognized as noble. I never knew the +inside of it, but it looks peculiar. Carl's and my father and his +brother and two sisters took common action to get the family name +changed to Wellander. I am sure my grandfather must have been up to +some rather striking deviltry, and for all I know he might have +been hanged." + +"Hush," cried Keith's mother with a quick glance at the boy who was +taking in everything with wide-open eyes and ears. + +Keith did not wait for anything more, but sneaked off by himself to +think. The change of the name seemed nothing at the time, but the +suggestion that his great-grandfather had been hanged was startling +enough to give food for many meditations. Fortunately, or unfortunately, +his aunt's manner had been too nonchalant to give him any clues. And +from the manner of his mother he gathered merely that the asking of +questions would be useless. So it came about that Keith for the first +time in his life regretted the premature death of his paternal +grandfather, from whom, otherwise, he might have elicited some more +satisfactory information. + +Both grandfathers were dead long before Keith was born. He never saw a +portrait of either of them, or had an idea of how they looked. He could +not even recall having heard their Christian names. The personality of +his paternal grandfather always remained a total blank to him. Of the +other one he knew a little more. The fashionable club where his mother's +father served was notorious for its conviviality and reckless gambling, +and the men were like the masters to some extent. This one of his +grandfathers used to love wine, women, cards and everything else that +helped to modify life's general drabness. He must have been something of +a wit, too, in his own circles, having any number of boon companions. +Keith never heard what kind of a man he was at home. He made good money +while he lived and spent it as carelessly as he earned it. At forty-two +he died, leaving a penniless widow to look after a daughter still in her +early teens. Keith's paternal grandfather died in the same way, but his +widow, who was a hard-headed little woman of old peasant stock--the best +in Sweden--did better with four children than the other grandmother +with one. + +There were gaps in the stories of his mother and Granny concerning which +he never got a direct reply from them, but by degrees he picked up many +missing details from other sources. What he learned in this way +indicated merely that they had been very poor at times, and poverty had +forced them to earn a living by work that was quite honest and decent, +but not "socially respectable." At one time, before her daughter was old +enough to assume a share of the burden, Granny had actually had to fall +back on the coarsest and humblest menial work--scrubbing and washing by +the day in strange houses. Yet she and her daughter appeared throughout +that ordeal to have remained on terms of pleasant intimacy with friends +of the class to which they regarded themselves as properly belonging. + +Another problem never solved for Keith was what kind of schooling his +mother had had. Her own failure to tell suggested that it must have been +of the slightest. Yet Keith never thought of her as ignorant. She had a +bright, eager mind that, when not clouded, acted as a goad on his own. +It was she who taught him to read and filled him with an awe for books +and book-learning that was, perhaps, not entirely wholesome. She herself +read eagerly, though fitfully, her interest in all such matters varying +greatly with her mood and condition. Her day-dreaming was to a large +extent directed toward matters literary and artistic. Sometimes, when +she had read some novel with a markedly sentimental appeal, she talked +vaguely of old ambitions to write, but as a rule it was her ignorance of +music that she deplored. In the meantime her lace-making and her +embroidery proved an artistic sense not wholly confined to dreams. She +was always busy with some work of that kind, but her longings went far +beyond it, and it happened more than once that she let her work drop in +her lap while she looked at Keith with an expression he could not +understand. + +"If only I had had your chance in life," she exclaimed on one occasion +of that kind. + +"What do you mean," asked the boy, snuggling close to her. + +"I mean that you will study and be able to do things," she answered, +bending down to kiss him. + +At that very moment the father entered and heard what she said. + +"Nonsense," he broke in. "The boy is going to learn a trade, and I think +we'll ask Uncle Granstedt to make a carpenter of him." + +To Keith it was all meaningless, and his mother said nothing at the +time, but a slight stiffening of her face warned him that his father's +remark pointed in a direction not held desirable by her. And from that +sign the boy took his cue. + + + +XIV + +The outside door stood open and no one was in the kitchen but Granny. +The temptation to explore was irresistible. + +"When the cat's away, the rats dance on the tray," the old grandmother +muttered as if to herself. + +"I'll just have a peep," Keith explained, turning to her for a moment. +Then he made for the open door again. + +The landing with its bare stone floor was familiar to him and quite +barren of interest. What drew him magnetically was the tall archway +leading to the mysterious upper regions known as the garret, where +strange old women lived in hermit cells, and whence disturbing noises +issued day and night. Even as he looked up there, he could hear a +spookish grating that seemed to symbolize the spirit of the place. He +shuddered a little, but not unpleasantly, for he knew what caused it. + +In the brick wall ending the upward vista, he could see a square open +hole with an iron shutter held open at right angles by an iron rod. As +the wind shook the shutter, the rod scraped against the socket that held +its hooked end. That was all--but on dark winter afternoons the effect +was most disturbing. + +"I'm not afraid," Keith announced, sensing his own bravery rather +keenly. + +"Why should you be," asked Granny. + +Then he noticed the tall iron door fastened to one side of the arch in +front of it. Now it was doubled up length-wise and folded back so as to +leave the passage free. + +"What's that for," he asked, pointing to the door. + +"In case of fire," said Granny. "If it should begin to burn up there, +they would close that door to keep the flames from the rest of +the house." + +"Would it burn much," Keith wondered. + +"Your father has five cords of good birch wood stored in the top attic, +so I think the whole city would see the blaze." + +"And the people up there?" + +"They would have to come before we closed the doors, but God have mercy +on us if it ever gets that far. Remember, boy, there is nothing worse +than fire so you must always be careful never play with matches." + +"I know," said Keith, nodding sagely. + +But he really did not know what fire meant until a few nights later. The +whole family was sound asleep, Keith on the chaiselongue, his father and +mother in the big bed on the other side of the room. While still half +asleep he could hear his mother crying his father's name in a strangely +agitated voice. + +Then he woke fully and looked up. Every object in the room was clearly +visible, but the light coming through the windows was not daylight. It +was reddish and glaring, and the very reflection of it within the room +filled the boy with vague uneasiness. + +The father jumped out of bed and ran to the window. + +"It is fire," he said. "Something terrible. My Lord, half the town must +be burning. The whole sky is a mass of flames. And it's in the direction +of the bank." + +Suddenly he turned back and began to dress in wordless haste. + +"Must we get out," asked the mother. + +"No, it is not very close yet, but you had better get up and dress--and +get everybody dressed." + +By that time he was putting on his overcoat. + +"Where are you going, Carl," demanded the mother, evidently more scared +by his going out than by the fire. + +"To the bank," answered the father, grimly. + +"You mustn't, Carl! I won't let you go out! Think if anything should +happen to you!" + +"Nonsense," he said. "I am in no danger--but I must see what's happening +to the bank, and help if things have to be taken out." + +"Carl, Carl...." was all the mother could get over her lips. + +"Don't worry, Ann," he pleaded, bending over her for a minute, and his +voice took on a tenderness Keith seemed never to have heard before. "I +shall be careful, but I must go. If the fire should come this way, I'll +be back in time to help you all out." + +She tried to cling to him, but he freed himself with gentle firmness. In +a minute more he was gone, and in the next second Keith's mother was at +the window looking out, though she had only her night-linen on and it +was late autumn. Unobserved and unrebuked, Keith joined her, and when he +looked up at the sky, his heart almost stopped beating. + +A ghastly stillness reigned outside--except when it was merely +accentuated by the occasional sound of hurried steps along the street at +the top of the lane. Finally some one was heard passing through the +lane itself. + +"Please," Keith's mother cried at the top of her voice. "What is it?" + +"It's the German Church," a voice responded from below. "The whole spire +is flaming like a torch." + +"Are we in danger down here?" + +"Hard to tell. It depends on which way the spire falls. If it falls +outward, I fear the whole city will go." + +Then he walked off. + +By that time the servant girl had come in weeping as if she had just +heard her death-doom announced, and from the Granny was calling to them: + +"You'll freeze to death, all of you, if you don't put on some clothes." + +So they dressed, though difficulty, and then there was nothing to do but +to wait. The mother was at the window all the time, every few minutes +she said to the boy: + +"Oh, I hope nothing happens to your father!" + +At first it scared him more than did the light. But after a while it +began to have an opposite effect. He seemed to grow stiff and hard. The +excitement of the fire was still there, but it was overlaid and almost +neutralized by a vast impatience that seemed to take possession of his +whole being. He felt that if his mother made the same remark once more, +he should yell with rage and agony, and to save himself, he joined +Granny in the kitchen, where the girl had started a fire in order to +make some coffee. + +The sky in that quarter was just as bright as in front, and no light was +needed in the room. + +Suddenly he heard his mother cry out: + +"Oh." + +At the same time the brightness seemed to increase to something more +than daylight. + +A quick change took place in the boy's heart. He ran into the +living-room and put his arm about his mother who was still lying in +the window. + +"Don't worry, mamma," he whispered to her. "I'll take care of you." + +There was something in his voice that brought the mother to herself. She +closed the window and took him in her arms and kissed him as she had +never kissed him before, he thought. + +"It was the spire that fell just now," she said, "and if there is any +danger, your father will be here in a minute." + +Almost as she spoke, the glare outside began to die down, though the sky +remained red and threatening until daybreak. + +Then they had coffee, Keith being allowed an extra dose in his milk. And +soon afterwards the father returned to tell the story of the fire and +inform them that all danger was over as far as they were concerned. + +For days afterwards the experiences of that night occupied Keith's mind. +The joy of excitement was probably uppermost in spite of all other +considerations, Beneath it was a vivid conception of the horrors of fire +that remained a live thing in his mind until he was well on in years, +sometimes waking him out of his sleep at night and setting his heart +palpitating wildly at the mere idea of danger. Lastly, however, there +was left from that momentous night a new attitude toward the mother that +implied a direct criticism--the first one that had ever broken into +clear consciousness. It did not make him love her less, but it changed +the character of his love in some subtle way. The father, on the other +hand, had gained by that night. There was something heroic about the +quiet way in which he walked off to take care of the bank, pushing all +other considerations aside until that duty had been filled. + + + +XV + +Gradually Keith learned to know the old house from top to bottom. The +garret and the cellar remained of excitement for a long time. The rest +of it offered little to hold the attention or feed the imagination. + +It covered three sides of a rectangle, with the courtyard in the centre. +The wall of the adjoining house; formed the fourth side--a sheer cliff +of plastered brick that towered two whole stories higher, its dreary +expanse unbroken by a single window. Along the foot of it ran a long low +structure with innumerable doors opening on the courtyard. Thither men, +women and children had to descend regardless of weather or hour or +season, and every visitor could be watched from the windows opening +on the yard. + +The rear part of the house constituted practically a building by +itself, with a stairway of its own, and the people living there seemed +to form a world apart, with which Keith never became very well +acquainted. But on the ground-floor of that part was the laundry, used +in turn by every household in the entire house and regarded by the boy +as a far-off, adventurous place until he had been allowed to visit it a +couple of times. + +The building facing the lane and that running along the courtyard had a +stairway in common at the corner where they joined. Its stairs and +landings were of stone, uncarpeted, and lighted in the day by a window +on each floor and at night by a single gas jet on each landing. At the +foot of the lowermost flight of stairs was a long and dark passage that +turned at a right angle and finally reached the lane after what seemed a +long walk. Branching to the right, at the foot of the stairs, was +another passage from which the cellar was reached after you had used all +your strength to push open a huge iron door that squeaked uncannily on +its stiff hinges. + +The flats on the second and third floors ran straight through from the +lane to the rear building, but on the fourth floor, where Keith lived, +another family occupied the rooms looking upon the courtyard. And there +lived Jonas, the only other child in the house during Keith's +earliest years. + +Jonas' father was a compositor--a tall, lank, hollow-eyed man with a bad +cough. His mother was a woman of the people, angular and taciturn. Jonas +himself was pale and gawky and shy. + +Those two families, living within a few feet of each other and meeting +daily on the common landing, had little more intercourse than if they +had been parted by miles of desert. The reserved and slightly eccentric +character of the neighbours had something to do with this separation, +but social distinctions counted for more. A compositor was, after all, a +mere workman, and Keith felt instinctively that his mother looked with +kindly contempt at the more primitive ways of the adjoining household. +Now and then he was permitted to go and play for a little while with +Jonas, who was a year older, but the other boy hardly ever entered +Keith's home. Nor was their playing much of a success. Jonas was +slow-witted and reserved, while alertness and frankness were among +Keith's most characteristic traits. But differences of temperament +accounted only in part for their failure to come together. Keith felt as +if a wall of some kind stood between them, and as if the eyes watching +from the other side of that wall were distinctly hostile at times. It +exasperated him as if it had implied terrible injustice, but it was only +in moments of extreme boredom he really cared. At such moments he would +also develop a passionate desire for a brother or sister. He might have +wished for a dog or a cat even, but the idea of such a disturbing +element in his parental home seemed too preposterous for serious +contemplation. In fact, so foreign was that idea to the home atmosphere, +that Keith went through the rest of his life envying other people's pets +without ever giving earnest thought to the acquisition of one +for himself. + +Just as the parental attitude toward the nearest neighbours suggested a +kindly but unsentimental tolerance of inferiors, so it became +unmistakably tinged with a slightly jealous but unprotesting submission +to superiors whenever the lower floors were reached. A bachelor +official of some kind lived on the floor immediately below, with no one +but his housekeeper to share his spacious apartment. As deputy landlord, +Keith's father had to see this tenant like all the rest, but of social +intercourse there was none, while on the other hand, Keith's mother kept +up a gossiping acquaintance with the housekeeper. As far as Keith +himself was concerned, there was nothing more awe-inspiring than a +chance meeting on the stairs with the monocle, side-whiskers, precise +manners and doled-out civility of Mr. Bureau-Chief Broström. The +distance was so immense that even aspirations were precluded on the part +of the boy. He could imagine being king, but not a duly appointed +government official with a salary enabling him to occupy half a dozen +rooms practically by himself. + +Of course, there were rumours afloat about a more intimate relationship +between the bureau chief and his fairly good-looking housekeeper, who +nominally had for her own that part of the flat which faced the +courtyard, and these rumours did not escape the boy's keen ears. While +their true inwardness was incomprehensible to him, they made him look +wonderingly at the housekeeper whenever he met her, and when he accepted +her gingersnaps and other tempting delicacies, he did so with a sense of +wickedness that limited his gratefulness. + +A retired dry goods dealer and his good-hearted old wife lived on the +second floor. The Fernbloms were the aristocracy of the house in the +lane, having the best rooms, paying the highest rent and giving the +biggest parties, but even Keith guessed quite early that they were +simple souls, risen by thrift from very humble origins. They had a +single daughter, a girl of delicate health and looks with whom Keith +probably would have fallen in love hopelessly if she had stayed in the +house. But she married early, moved to some other city and was rarely +seen in her old home. Reports of her progress were received, of course, +and passed on in the hearing of Keith, but like so many other things not +touching his own life closely, it carried no real meaning to his mind. +The parties continued, and Keith's parents were often invited, partly +because the old couple was too simple-minded to think of social +distinctions, and partly because they both came from the same district +as Keith's Granny. Keith would be allowed to come along at times, and he +liked the idea of going and the good food, but otherwise he found it +dull business watching a lot of grown-up people seated solemnly about +square tables playing cards. Then, one day, the old lady died, and Keith +attended a part of the funeral, and from the window he saw the coffin +taken away in a hearse buried in flowers. It made him ask many questions +of his mother, but none of her answers brought death any closer to his +mind. After all, the old lady had been nothing to him, and if the +parties should cease as he heard was likely, the loss did not seem great +to him. The only thing that made a real difference to him was his +discovery that there would be no more of those ball-shaped gingersnaps +that the old lady used to bake herself and keep in an earthen jar almost +as tall as Keith. + +The front part of the ground floor was used as an office of some kind in +those early days, but the middle part facing the long row of outhouses +was a human habitation. The rooms were so dark that a lamp had to be +used most of the day, and the principal entrance was direct from the +courtyard. An old workman and his wife lived there until the office in +front was changed into a coffee-house and those rooms toward the +courtyard became the kitchen. When it happened, some one told Keith's +mother a story which she in her turn conveyed to the boy. + +History repeated itself, she said, and Keith already knew that history +was something that had happened before he was born. One hundred years +ago, when Gustavus III was king of Sweden and things were more exciting +than in these later days of outward and inward peace, there used also to +be a coffee-house on the ground floor, and a widely known one at that. +It occupied the floor above too, but this floor was in reality used as a +club, and the club was political and the men who frequented it were +conspiring against the government. This the police knew, and every so +often a lot of armed and uniformed men would surround the house and make +prisoners of those caught in the clubrooms on the second floor. But as a +rule no one was found there but a couple of sleepy and grouchy +attendants who cursed their luck at having to spend their lives in such +a dull place. + +"But," Keith interrupted when the story got that far "you just told me +that the rooms had a lot of conspirators in them." + +"So they had." + +"And yet they were empty when the police came there? Do you really mean +that the people could make themselves invisible?" + +"That's where the real story comes in," his mother explained. "You know +there is a long passageway between the front rooms of the Fernbloms and +their kitchen in the rear. It runs back of the stairs. The next time you +go through it, stamp your foot very hard, and you will hear that it +sounds hollow in one place. At that spot there used to be a trap door in +the floor. Now it is nailed down hard, but in the old days it could be +opened any time, and then you found a stairway below. It led into our +part of the cellar, where you still can find a couple of stone steps at +one end. Then the conspirators went down into the main cellar, and at +the back of it there was a tunnel leading under the rear part of the +house and the lane beyond to a house on the other side. That's the way +they escaped, and that's why the police never found anybody in +the club." + +"What did the conspirators want," asked Keith after he had pondered the +matter for a while. + +"I don't know exactly," his mother admitted, "but the king was killed by +one of them at last." + +"I wish I had been there to defend the king," said Keith. Then a new +thought seized him suddenly: "I want to go down and see those steps." + +"All right," his mother answered to his astonishment and joy. "Lena will +soon go down to get potatoes for dinner, and then you can go along, if +you only promise to come right up again." + +Shortly afterwards the momentous expedition actually took place. Keith +had been as far as the outer cellar door before, but he had never cared +to go further. When you opened that door, you were met by an air so cold +and damp that it struck your face like a wet sheet, and the stairs fell +away into a black abyss that seemed bottomless. + +The door was of iron, rounded at the top to fit the arch, and covered +with rust. It looked as if it had been in its place since the house was +built, and Keith had heard that the house could not be less than two +hundred years old. The key, which Keith had been permitted to carry +going down, was of iron too, and nearly twice as long as Keith's hand. +The lock was in keeping with the key, enormous in size and so stiff that +Lena had to use both hands to turn the key. + +Having laid a firm hold of Lena's skirt, Keith followed her several +steps down until they reached a place in the opposite wall where a +single very tall step led up to another iron door, square-cut and +narrow, back of which lay the cellar used by the Wellanders. Lena +lighted a candle that burned with difficulty in the clammy air. + +Inside nothing could be seen at first but a number of boxes and barrels +full of supplies, and back of them walls built out of enormous stone +blocks and dripping with moisture. As his eyes became accustomed to the +dim light, however, Keith perceived that the end toward the lane was +closed by a wall which even his inexperienced glance recognized as brick +and comparatively new. Squeezing between two large barrels of potatoes +he saw two stone steps at the foot of that wall and managed actually to +put his foot on one of them. + +"I wish I knew what's back of that wall," he remarked at last. + +"Oh, nothing," said Lena indifferently. + +"There might be skeletons," he ventured after a pause. + +"Jesus Christ, child," Lena almost screamed, looking as if she had +caught sight of a ghost. "Where in the world does he get such notions +from? Come out of here now. I think the master will have to go down for +potatoes himself hereafter." + +"There was a skeleton in the story you told me the other night," Keith +protested with dignity, but not unaffected by the girl's +unmistakable fright. + +"This is no place for stories of that kind," she declared pulling him +away from the barrels and almost forgetting to close the cellar door +behind her. + +That evening Keith kept thinking of the story and the steps in the +cellar. He was sorry not to be able to walk up those stairs. And there +must be some old things left lying about on them. Then he imagined +himself a conspirator, hearing the police beating at the doors and +making his way through the stairway and the tunnel to some quiet, +unobserved doorway in another lane, much narrower and darker than their +own. It was exciting, the passage through the tunnel, which he could see +with his mind's eye--but the part of conspirator did not appeal to him. +He had seen policemen on the street several times. They were very tall +and carried sabres. Some time when he was conspiring they might be too +quick for him and get him before he could reach the secret stairway. It +would be much better, he decided finally, to be able to look them in the +face and say truthfully: + +"I have done nothing at all!" + + + +XVI + +The regular meals of the day were four, not counting "afternoon coffee" +which was regarded as a special treat and always subject to +negotiations, though forthcoming as unfailingly as dinner or supper. It +was the natural and nominal counterpart of the "morning coffee," which +served to initiate the day's feeding. This first meal was consumed +separately, as each person was ready for work, and on the whole its name +was appropriate, although plenty of bread went with the coffee. Keith's +turn came generally a little after seven, when he sat down to a large +cup or bowl of half coffee and half milk into which had been broken a +good sized piece of hard Swedish rye-bread. A little sugar was allowed, +but no butter. This regimen began when Keith was less than three years +old, and he enjoyed it immensely, provided the bread had steeped long +enough to become soft, When, at last, he turned to rolls and butter +dipped into the coffee, it did not mean that his taste had changed, but +merely that his increasing sense of manhood found the earlier dish +too childish. + +Breakfast was due about ll:30 and consisted generally of sundry +left-overs from the preceding day, bread and butter forming one of the +principal ingredients. Then came the main meal of the day, dinner, +between 3:30 and 4 in the afternoon. As a rule it had only two courses: +some meat dish or fish with potatoes, and a soup served last. Now and +then there was a vegetable. Desserts were reserved for special +occasions. To Keith each such meal was inseparably connected with the +parental admonition: "Eat plenty of bread with your meat, child." The +bread was of the hard kind already referred to--thin round cakes that +one broke to pieces and that gave the teeth plenty of work. Various +superstitions were invoked to promote the consumption of it. Thus the +failure to finish a piece already broken off was alleged to result in +the transfer of all one's strength to the actual consumer of the piece +left behind. Keith was a docile child in spite of his impulsiveness and +he did he was told and believed what he heard, but he often wondered why +the rules so strictly enforced himself did not apply to his parents. + +"Afternoon coffee," generally accompanied by some form of sweet bread or +cake, "happened" about 5:30, and at 8 supper was served. The final meal +was commonly made up of sandwiches with porridge and milk, or perhaps, +when fate was remarkably propitious, thin pancakes with cranberry jam. +There might be an extra snack of food at a still later hour in case of +unexpected callers, but such visits were not frequent and Keith would be +asleep by that time anyhow. + +It was different when parties were given to formally invited company. +Then Keith had to stay up--or pretend to do so--as long as the guests +remained, and he must have a share of whatever the house had to offer. +To such occasions he looked forward with feverish joy, not so much on +account of the good things dispensed as for the sake of feeling the +ordinary strict rules relaxed. Apart from Christmas, the principal +celebrations took place on his parents' birthdays and "namedays." Every +day in the Swedish calendar carries a name, and all those bearing it +have a right to expect felicitations and presents from their relations +and more intimate friends. In return they are expected to celebrate the +occasion with a party that gives an excuse for showing what the house +can do in the way of hospitality. The same thing applies to the birthday +anniversaries, only in a higher degree. Not to celebrate one's birthday +can only be a sign of poverty, miserliness or misanthropy, and to +overlook the birthday anniversary of a close relative is to risk an +immediate breach of connections. + +Nothing was more familiar to Keith than his mother's open worries about +money and his father's occasional stern reference to the need of saving. +To the boy those complaints and warnings meant merely that the parents +were in a depressed and unfaourable mood, tending to draw the usual +constraint a little tighter about him. He was intensely sensitive to +atmosphere, and too often that of his home had the same effect on his +young soul as the low-hanging, leaden skies of a Swedish December day +before the first snow has fallen. It made him long for sunlight, and the +parties brought it to some extent. Then care and caution were forgotten, +although his father might grumble before and after. Then the daily +routine was broken, and Granny became cynically but actively interested, +bent above all on seeing that "the house would not be shamed." + +When the great day came, the home, always scrupulously neat, shone with +cleanliness. Every one worked up to the last minute. Cupboards and +pantries were full of unfamiliar and enticing supplies. The dining +table, opened to its utmost length, groaned under the burden of +innumerable cold dishes of tempting appearance, while from the kitchen +came the odours of more substantial courses still in the making. A one +end of Granny's bureau stood a battery of multicoloured bottles. The +other end was jammed with desserts and goodies meant to be served while +the guests were waiting for supper or during the card game that +generally followed it. Better than anything else, however, was the +father's loud laugh and eager talk, so rarely heard in the course of +their regular daily existence. Even then he might be displeased by some +slight slip of the boy's, and a sharp rebuke might follow, but it seemed +forgotten as soon as uttered, and of other consequences there were none +to be feared. Therefore, Keith wished that there might be a party every +day, and while there was one going on he sometimes caught himself +wondering whether, after all, he did not like his father as much as his +mother, or more. + +From his own experiences with food as well as from his parents' attitude +toward it, both on special and on ordinary occasions, Keith distilled a +sort of philosophy that it took him several decades to outlive. To him +eating became a good thing in itself, rather than a means to an end. His +parents were neither gluttons nor gourmets, but they liked good food, +and, what was of still greater importance, good eating represented the +principal source of enjoyment open to them. The same seemed true of +their friends, and when company arrived no topic was more in favour than +a comparison of past culinary enjoyments. Keith's father, for instance, +never grew tired of telling about the time when he was still the chief +clerk in a fashionable grocery and the owner gave him permission to +dispose freely of a keg of Holland oysters that threatened to "go bad" +before they could be sold. Four or five friends were drummed together. +The feast took place at night in the store itself. Bread, butter, salt, +pepper, liquor, beer and cards were the only things added to +the oysters. + +"And when morning came, and I had to open the store, there was nothing +left but a keg full of empty shells," the father used to shout, laughing +at the same time so that it was hard to catch what he said. Then he +would smack his lips and add with earnest conviction: "I have never +tasted anything better unless it be the Russian caviar we used to import +for the Court." + +Always it was a matter of quantity as well as quality. A feast was not a +feast without more than plenty. Eating was always in order. An offer of +a dish was as good as a command to partake. A refusal bordered on the +offensive. Pressing a reluctant guest was the highest form of +hospitality. Dietary precautions were apparently unheard of except in +the case of certain chronic ailments, and then they were accepted as one +of life's worst evils. To eat well was to be well, and the natural +conclusion was that the best cure in case of trouble was to eat. Lack of +appetite was a misfortune as well as a dangerous symptom, and to eat +when not hungry was not only a necessity but a virtue. + +Yet Keith longed for other things and he learned early that even eating +has its drawbacks. + + + +XVII + +Except on Sundays, the father rarely ate with the rest of the family. He +left in the morning before Keith was up and never came home for +breakfast. His dinner often had to wait until five or six or even later, +so he seldom cared to eat again when the others had their supper. + +One afternoon, however, he appeared just as Keith and his mother were to +sit for dinner. It put her in a flutter and she couldn't get an +additional cover laid quick enough. + +"I heard that mother was coming," he remarked as he seated himself at +the table. + +Instantly Keith's mother shot an apprehensive glance at the boy and +exclaimed: + +"Please try to be a real nice boy now, so that your grandmother does not +get a bad impression of you." Then she added, turning to her husband: +"She never says anything, but she always looks as if I spoiled Keith +hopelessly." + +"Well," the father rejoined thoughtfully, "she brought up four children +of her own without anybody else to help her, and there was not one among +us who dared to disregard her slightest word." + +"How about Henrik," the mother suggested a little tartly. + +"Yes, the one spared is the one spoiled," admitted the father with a +sigh. "He was the youngest, and while he was licked like all of us, her +hand never seemed quite as firm with him as with the rest. The worst +thing parents can do to children is to let them have their own will." + +Keith was listening with one ear only. His thoughts were on Uncle +Henrik, who would put in an unheralded appearance now and then, always +when the father was away and always to the consternation of the whole +household. Although hustled out of the kitchen as soon as the unbidden +visitor arrived, Keith had had a good look at him several times and had +also overheard the parents discussing him. He was still comparatively +young. Yet he looked like animated waste matter. His face seemed to hang +on him. His mouth was loose and void of expression. His eyes were +bleared and ever on the move. He spoke mostly in a toneless drawl, that +sometimes turned into a shrill whine, but also at rare intervals could +change into a soft, heart-winning purr. His clothing was poorer and +coarser than that of any other person seen by Keith. Once or twice it +seemed to the boy like a repulsive uniform, and he heard his parents +speak with mingled disgust and relief of some house or institution that +was never fully named. + +"No one has a better heart than Henrik," Keith heard his father say +once, "but he has no more spine than a cucumber, and he can't keep away +from drink." + +Then the food was brought in, and Uncle Henrik was forgotten. As usual, +there was a meat course to begin with, and Keith ate what for him was a +big portion. Nor did he get into any trouble beyond having an extra +large piece of hard bread put beside his plate by the father and finding +the disposal of it rather difficult. + +The meat was followed by a large bowl of soup, and the very sight of it +made Keith look unhappy--a fact that did not escape his father. + +Keith cared little for soups, while both parents liked them, and he had +a particular dislike of soups made on a meat stock, like the one just +brought in. For some reason that Keith might have thought funny under +other circumstances, it was called Carpenter Soup, and it contained a +lot of rather coarse vegetables. Among these were green celery and +parsnips, both of which filled the boy with an almost morbid disgust. + +While the mother was serving and Keith was waiting in dumb agony, it +flashed through his mind that Uncle Granstedt might be eating that kind +of soup. If so, the boy thought, he would rather let himself be killed +than made a carpenter. + +As the turn came to his own plate, Keith tried to catch his mother's eye +with a signalled appeal to put in as little as possible, but she was +talking to her husband and not noticing the boy at all. And so, at last, +he found himself confronted with a plate filled to the brim. + +The first few spoonfuls went down without much resistance, chiefly +because he confined himself to the fluid part of the soup. Then it +seemed of a sudden as if one more mouthful would choke him, and his +eating became a mere dallying with his spoon. + +"Go on and finish your soup," the father urged sternly. + +"I can't." + +"Why?" + +"I have eaten all I can." + +"That does not matter," rejoined his father. "One must always finish +what is on one's plate." + +"But I don't like it," Keith blurted out in a moment of +desperation--which was unfortunate. + +"Children have no likings of their own," said the father, putting down +his spoon. "They must like what their parents give them. And you will +finish that soup--if I have to feed you myself to make you do it." + +Two more spoonfuls went down by an heroic effort. Then Keith burst into +tears, and his father's face grew still darker as he asked scornfully: + +"Are you a boy or a girl?" + +Keith did not care at that moment. In fact, he thought that if girls had +a right to cry, he would rather be one. + +His mother was trying to coax him with kind words, and he actually +raised the filled spoon to his lips once more, but the sensation within +him was such that he let it drop again with a splash. That was the +crowning offence, and the feeding process began at once. His father took +him by the neck with one hand and administered the spoon with the other. +It was done firmly and perhaps harshly, but in such a manner that the +boy was not hurt. + +Keith cried and coughed and swallowed--and in the midst of that ordeal +he noticed the wonderful softness of his father's hands. But his heart +was full of bitter resentment, and he wished that he could grow up +on the spot. + +What the end might have been is hard to tell, had not a slight +commotion been heard from the kitchen at that juncture. + +"There is mother now," said the father, letting go his hold on Keith's +neck. "Wipe your eyes and try to act like a boy. Some day we'll put you +into skirts." + +Keith did not care. He knew now that he would not have to eat the rest +of the soup. That was the one thing in the world that seemed to matter +to him. His tears ceased. But now his body was shaken by a convulsive +sob. On the whole his mood was one of hopeless resignation. + + + +XVIII + +"I am glad to see you, mother," said Keith's father, rising quickly as a +little old woman appeared in the kitchen doorway. His tone surprised the +boy. There was warmth in it, but still more of reverence bordering on +awe, and also something of pride. Thus might a queen be greeted, but +only by those nearest and dearest to her. What struck the boy most of +all, however, was the world of difference lying between that tone and +the one in which the father addressed his wife even in moments of +closest understanding. It gave Keith his first clear glimpse of the +distinction between love and respect, between sympathy and trust. + +"So you are home, Carl," the grandmother remarked in her usual quiet, +matter-of-fact manner. Then she turned to her daughter-in-law, who had +also risen to her feet: "Is your head as bad as usual, Anna?" + +"Thank you," answered Keith's mother, and the boy could sense that she +was not at her ease although she smiled pleasantly. "Those new powders I +got from Dr. Sköld helped a great deal." + +"Hm," grunted the older woman as she walked across the room and sat down +on a chair not far from Keith. "I had no time or money to bother with +powders at your age, but times have changed." + +She was taking in every detail of the room as she spoke, without looking +pointedly at anything in particular. Suddenly Keith, who followed her +every movement as if hypnotized, was startled by meeting the hard gaze +of her calm, pale-blue eyes. Those eyes illuminated her small, wrinkled +face so completely that the boy saw nothing else. Gone were her trimmed +wig, her black shawl, her wide skirt of a checkered grey. Gone were even +her thin, tight lips that used to close with the firm grip of a vice. +Nothing was left but the eyes that looked him through and through until +it was impossible for him to stand still any longer. + +"What is the matter with Keith," she asked. "Sick, too?" + +"No, thank heaven," the mother blurted out. "We have nothing to complain +of his health--" + +"No," the father broke in with a suggestion of grim humour, "not about +his health, but--" + +"Of course," the old lady said with a nod of comprehension. "I don't +wish to criticize anybody or anything, but I don't think Keith is very +obedient. He wants to pick and choose, I suppose, as if the food were +not good enough for him." + +"Well, he can't," the father rejoined. + +"Children should eat anything and be glad to get it at that. Mine never +thought of refusing what I gave them. If they ever had...." + +She didn't finish the sentence, but it made Keith feel that he would +never have dared one word of protest about the soup if the grandmother +had been there a little earlier. Yet she spoke without marked feeling, +without hardness, almost kindly. It was plain as she went on, that she +believed intensely in what she said, and that it touched the very +foundations of existence as she saw it: + +"Children owe everything to their parents, and the least they can do in +return is to accept thankfully what they get. That is what I did in my +childhood, and I never dreamt of anything else. I had no will but that +of my parents, and I knew that I could not and should not have any will +of my own." + +Everybody but the grandmother was still standing. The mother's face bore +clear evidence of conflicting tendencies to accept and reject. Looking +at her, Keith felt, as he often did, that there was something within her +that gave his view of matters a fighting chance. The father, on the +other hand, seemed of a sudden to have become a child himself, listening +obediently and with absorbed approval. It looked almost as if he were +still afraid of that white-haired, fragile, tight-lipped little woman, +and the sight of him filled Keith with a vague uneasiness. + +"Please sit down," said the grandmother at last. "I did not mean to +disturb you, and Keith looks as if he might fall in a heap any moment." + +"Why don't you stand up straight, Keith," asked his mother. "You will +never grow up unless you do, and your grandmother will think worse of +you than she already does." + +"I am not blaming the child," the old lady began in the same passive, +quietly assured tone. But before she got further, the father broke in: + +"I think Keith had better go and play in his own corner--and please keep +quiet, for grandmother and I have important things to talk of." + +Keith retired as directed, and at that moment growing up seemed to him a +more unreal and impossible thing than ever. + +Not long afterwards the grandmother left, both parents escorting her to +the outside door. When they returned to the living-room, Keith heard his +mother say: + +"I don't see why she should always find fault with Keith. He's not a bit +worse than Brita's Carl, whom she is helping to spoil just as fast +as she can." + +"Well, that's her way," replied the father, paying no attention to the +latter part of the remark. "She was brought up that way herself, and +that's the way she brought up the four of us." + +He was evidently in high good-humour and did what Keith had never seen +him do before when no company was present. He got out a cigar from one +of the little drawers in the upper part of mamma's bureau and sat down +at the still covered dining table to smoke it. This made Keith feel +almost as if they were having a party, and soon he sneaked out of his +corner and joined the parents at the table. First he stood hesitatingly +beside his mother, but little by little he edged over to the father +until he actually was leaning against the latter's knee without being +rebuffed. The father even put his hand on Keith's head, and the soup +episode became very distant and dim. + +"She used to lick us mercilessly," the father said as if speaking +chiefly to himself, and as he spoke there was a reminiscent smile on his +face and not a trace of resentment in his voice. "But she was absolutely +just about it--so just that she used to lick all four of us whenever one +had earned it. That was to keep the rest from thinking themselves any +better, she said, and also because she felt sure that all of us had +deserved it, although she had not happened to find it out." + +"I think it hard and unjust," Keith's mother protested. "And I don't +believe in beating children all the time." + +"Those were hard days," the father mused on, "and everybody did it, and +children seemed to know their place better then. I don't think we +suffered very much from the beatings we got, they certainly did not make +us think less of mother. She had her hands full, too, and not much time +to think of nice distinctions. We were all small when father died, and +Henrik was just a baby. There was no one but her to look after us, and +how she did it, God only knows. But I have never heard her speak one +word of complaint, and she always managed. Sometimes there was little +enough, and we were mighty glad to get what there was, as she told you +herself, but she always had something for us. Then we had to go to work +just as soon as we could. I was thirteen when I began to add my share to +the common heap." + +"Did you go to school," Keith ventured, having recently overheard some +talk of his parents that seemed to bear on his own immediate future. + +"I did," the father replied, "but not long. I wanted to study, and my +teacher was so anxious that I should go on that he promised to get me +free admission to the higher school. But mother wouldn't listen. And I +suppose it was not to be." + +"Did you like school," asked Keith, not having the slightest idea of +what a school might be like. + +"Yes, I liked all about it but one thing. There was a big boy who +bullied all the rest, and no one cared to fight him. He went for me the +very first day of the term, and when I fought back, he gave me such a +licking that I could hardly walk into the schoolroom afterwards. The +next day he asked if I had had enough, and I told him I meant to go on +till he had enough. So we started right in again, and he licked me worse +than the day before. But I just couldn't give in. For three whole months +we fought every day, and each day I made it harder for him. And one day +I got the upper hand of him at last, and gave it to him until he began +to cry and begged for mercy. Then I let him go, but no sooner had I +turned my back on him, than he picked up a small sapling that was lying +around and struck me over the head with it. There was a piece of root +standing straight out, and it hit me right on top of my head so that the +blood squirted out and I fainted on the spot. Then he had to leave +school, and the last thing I heard of him was that the police had got +him for something still worse." + +"Oh, Carl," the mother cried with a shudder, "you should have complained +to the teacher!" + +"The teacher was watching us all the time, although I didn't know it. +He told me afterwards that he would have helped me any time I asked, but +that he would have thought less of me for asking." + +Keith stared hard at his father and tried to imagine himself doing the +same thing, but his fancy did not seem to work well in that direction. +Later, when he was in bed, the father's story came back to him. Somehow +it made him feel very proud, but also uneasy. He felt that there nothing +more wonderful than to fight some one stronger than oneself and win, and +soon he was busy slaying giants and dragons and bears and other monsters +that he had heard Granny tell about. But he tried to think of himself as +fighting a real boy in the way as his father, his dreams seemed to peter +out ignominiously. + +Then his mother came to in to tuck him in and make him say his prayers +and kiss him good-night. Suddenly he flung his arms about her neck in a +passion of craving for tenderness and protection. Putting his mouth +close to her ear, he whispered a question that had nothing to do with +the father's story or his fancies of a few moments ago. + +"Why must I eat things I don't want?" + + + +XIX + +The next Sunday morning found Keith more than usually restless. Half a +dozen times in quick succession he appealed to the mother for +suggestions as to what to do. Finally she turned to the father, who was +preparing to go out: + +"Can't you take him along, Carl? He has never seen the bank, and he +really should get out a little." + +For a little while the father said nothing. Then he spoke directly to +Keith: + +"Put on your coat and cap." + +The boy who had been looking and listening with open mouth and a heart +that hardly dared to beat, became wildly excited. + +"Now, Keith," the father admonished, "you can't go unless you behave." + +"Where's my coat, mother," asked Keith eagerly and unheedingly. + +"Don't you know that yourself," growled the father. "You are a big boy +already, and you should keep your own things in order." + +"I have hung it up where he cannot reach it," the mother interceded. +"I'll get it for him." + +The coat and the cap were on at last, but then began the struggle about +the muffler and the mittens. The mother had crocheted them herself for +Keith and insisted that they should be worn whenever he went outdoors +during autumn and winter. The muffler was long and white, with blue +rings two inches apart, and in shape more like a boa. + +Keith wanted the mittens, because his hands got cold easily, but not the +muffler, which, he thought, made him look like a girl. + +The father objected to everything of that kind, which he said, tended to +make the boy soft and susceptible to colds. He himself did not put on an +overcoat until the weather grew very severe, and he never buttoned it, +no matter how cold it grew. His throat was always bare, and he never +wore gloves of any kind. Nor did he ever put his hands in his pockets +while walking. He had a favourite trick of picking up a handful of snow, +which he rolled into a ball and carried in his hand until it became hard +as ice. His hands were milk-white, beautifully shaped and well cared +for. It was impossible to believe that for many years they had done the +hardest kind of work, often outdoors and generally in a poorly heated +drafty shop. He was proud of them, although he pretended not to care +when anybody spoke of them, and they filled Keith with admiration and +envy. He tried to follow the father's example, but with the result that +his hands grew red as boiled crawfish and began to ache under the nails +until he had to cry. + +"You bring him up a woman," the father muttered, when Keith was ready at +last. + +Then they left, having been kissed several times each by the mother, who +warned Keith not to let go of his father's hand under any circumstances +while they were on the streets. + +Down in the passageway on the ground floor, Keith started to take off +the muffler. + +"No," said the father. "Now you keep it on. Your mother has told you to +wear it, and you must not take it off behind her back." + +"But you didn't want me to have it on," Keith protested in genuine +surprise. + +"No, I didn't, because I want you to be hardened and grow up like a man. +But there is something I want still more, and that is for you to obey +your mother, first because children should always obey their parents, +and secondly because it makes your mother very unhappy if you don't do +as she tells you." + +His tone changed slightly during the last part of his remark. Something +of an appeal came into it and went straight to Keith's heart, filling it +with a glow of righteous determination. It was always that way with him. +A word spoken kindly made him eager to comply, and that was particularly +the case if it came from some person not given to sentimentality. + +In the lane they turned and saw the mother lying in the window to watch +them. As usual, kisses were thrown back and forth as they passed up the +lane, but Keith felt rather impatient about it, and it was with a marked +sense of relief he turned the corner into East Long Street. He was eager +to push ahead into unknown regions and did not care to look back. + +Although he spoke little enough, the father proved a more genial +companion than Keith had dared to expect. In fact, he had been a little +oppressed at the thought of being entirely alone with the father, which +was quite a new experience to him. But now he found it a pleasure, and +their communion seemed more easy than when the mother was with them. He +walked sedately enough, clinging to one of his father's soft, white +hands, but every so often he ventured a skip and a jump without being +rebuked, and on the whole he felt the kind of happiness that used to +come on Christmas Eve, after the father had started to distribute +the presents. + +Keith had frequently accompanied his mother as far as the little square +at the end of the street, and he pointed proudly to the grocery store +where he had helped to buy things. + +"Yes," responded the father, and again his tone seemed strangely +unfamiliar to the boy. "I might have had such a store myself, if luck +had been with me." + +The idea was more than Keith could digest at once. It was too +overwhelming, and once more he looked at his father with the feeling of +wonder and awe that sometimes took hold of him almost against his +will--a feeling that clashed hopelessly with the nervous shyness +commonly inspired by the father's stern manners. + +"Why didn't you get it," the boy ventured at last. + +"Because I was born under the Monkey Star," replied the father grimly. + +The boy wondered what kind of star that was, but still more he wondered +at the father's mood which appeared to indicate a displeasure not +directed at the questioner. Before Keith could ask anything more, they +had started across one of the open market places that line the +fresh-water side of the old City. + +The place was empty except for a few closed and abandoned booths. But at +the foot of it lay rows of one-masted sailing vessels loaded halfway up +their masts with piles of fire-wood. In the background, beyond a small +sheet of water crossed by a low iron bridge, rose abruptly the rocky +walls of the South End, with funny old houses perched precariously along +their edges. Keith stared so hard at all the new things that not a +single question had a chance to escape him before they entered another +street and stopped in front of a stone house that to him looked like +a castle. + +It had a real portal instead of an ordinary doorway, and the inside was +still more impressive. Keith had been to church once or twice, and for a +moment he thought himself in one. But he saw no seats, and his father +did not look solemn at all. The walls were of stone curiously streaked +and coloured. The ceiling was so far up that Keith had to bend far +backwards to see it. It was full of ornaments and supported by two rows +of tall round stone pillars so thick that Keith could not get his arms +halfway around one of them. In the background rose a very broad and +seemingly endless stairway of white stone. While they climbed it step by +step, Keith wondered if the king in his palace had anything like it. + +Arrived at the top at last, they turned into a sort of lobby--a rather +bare room with several plain desks by the windows and many hooks along +the inner wall. There the father took off both his coats and armed +himself with a huge feather duster and a rag. + +"Remember, Keith," he said in his ordinary tone, "that you may look as +much as you please, but that you must not touch anything. If you do, you +can never come here again." + +Having passed through several smaller rooms, they emerged finally into a +hall so bright and spacious that Keith stopped with a gasp and for a +moment thought himself in the open air again. It was as wide as the +building itself and three sides were full of large windows A counter of +mahogany that looked miles long ran from one end to the other. The place +behind it contained many desks so tall that Keith could not have reached +the tops of them with his raised hand. But from a distance he could see +that they were full of tempting things--paper and pens and pencils, red +bars of sealing wax, glue-pots and rulers and glistening shears. + +Two men, also in their shirt-sleeves, were busy at the desks, dusting +them and arranging the things on top of them. And the father quickly +went to work in the same way. + +It seemed interesting to Keith, who would have liked to try his hand at +it. But it also disconcerting for some reason he could not explain and +for a while he watched the father as if unwilling to believe his own +eyes. Somehow it did not tally with certain notions formed in Keith's +head on the night when the church was burning. At last he up to his +father and asked: + +"Is this where you always work?" + +"No," was the answer given with a peculiar grimness. "This is for the +officials." + +"What are they?" + +"Oh, tellers and cashiers and bookkeepers." + +Keith noted the words for future inquiries. For the moment they meant +nothing to him. + +"Why are you not here too," he persisted. + +"Because I am only an attendant--a mere _vaktmästare_. That is a fact +you had better fix in your mind once for all, my boy." + +"Is that your little boy, Wellander," one of the other men called out at +that moment. "Let us have a look at him." + +Hand-shakings and head-pattings followed as Keith was presented to +"Uncle" This and "Uncle" That. He didn't object and he didn't care. They +looked nice enough, and their talk was friendly, but somehow he felt +that his parents did not care for them. Some of the glamour had left the +place. In spite of its magnificence, he did not like it, although he was +glad to have seen it. + +Discovering a wastepaper basket full of envelopes with brightly coloured +marks on them, he regained his interest a little. He knew those marks +for stamps and they had pictures on them which attracted him very much. +So he made a bee-line for the basket and proceeded to pick out what he +liked best. + +"Have you forgotten what I told you," he heard his father shout to him. + +"They have been thrown away," he said going toward the father. + +"That is neither here nor there," was the sharp answer he got. "You know +they are not yours, and so you must not touch them. Put them back +at once." + +Keith did as he was told, wondering if he really had done anything wrong +or if his father merely objected for some reason of his own. + +Then he walked around uninterested and forlorn until they were ready to +go home again. The stairway seemed shorter as they descended, but the +pillars were tall and thick as before. And on the way home his father +found a little shop open and bought him a few _öre's_ worth of +hard candy. + +It was the only time Keith could ever remember his having done such a +thing. + + + +XX + +The lodger happened to be away when they got home, and the mother had +opened the door to the parlour in order to get a little more air and +light into the living-room. After dinner the father went into the +parlour to take a nap on the big sofa, while the mother settled down +comfortably in her easy chair, a piece of handiwork on her lap as usual. +Keith took up his customary position on the footstool to tell her what +he had seen and done during his morning excursion. + +She was eager to hear everything and helped him along with questions, +and yet there ran through her very eagerness a subtle inner resistance +which the boy felt vaguely. It as if she never really cared for anything +concerning him in which she herself had not taken part. + +The original glamour had returned to every aspect of his new experience, +and he tried excitedly to describe the wonders of the vestibule, the +stairway and the big hall. In the midst of it he paused suddenly and +fell to staring into vacancy. + +"Was that all," she asked, puzzled by his silence. + +"Lena dusts our rooms, doesn't she," was his rather startling +counter-question. + +"Mostly," the mother replied with a searching glance at his puckered +brows. "Although I sometimes ..." + +"You don't have to," the boy broke in. + +"No" she admitted, "but then I am sure it is properly done." + +"Is that why papa dusts the tables in the bank?" + +A pause followed during which it was the mother's turn to stand the +boy's intense scrutiny. + +"No," she said at last. "He does it because it is a part of his work, +and a shame it is that he has to. Scrub-women come in and do the rest of +the cleaning, but they are not trusted with the desks, and so the +attendants have to take turns doing that part of it. That's why your +father has to leave so very early in the morning." + +Mother and son lapsed into silence once more. It was broken by another +question from the boy. + +"Why couldn't I take some stamps that had been thrown away?" + +"Had your father said anything about it before you took them?" + +"He told me not to touch anything." + +"Then you couldn't because he had told you to leave things alone. He is +so careful in all such matters. Sometimes he goes a little too far, +perhaps, but you can be sure that he means right. Other people want the +stamps, and there is a lot of gossip and envy about everything, and he +is too proud to be dragged into that sort of thing. It is always better, +Keith, to leave alone what you know is not your own. Honesty endures +beyond all else." + +Keith made no direct response, but sprang one more irrelevant question: + +"Why didn't papa get the grocery store?" + +"How do you know," the mother demanded with a quick glance at him. + +"Papa told me." + +"Well," she drawled as if thinking. Then she settled back in the chair, +her mind made up. "Listen, and I will tell you a story. Once upon a time +there was a rich old man who owned a grocery store." + +"That's where they sell prunes and raisins and sugar," the boy put in. + +"And the store was so fine," she went on unheedingly, "that the old man +was permitted to sell all those things to the king's own kitchen. The +old man had many assistants, but at the head of them all was a young man +who knew just what to do, because he had worked in such stores ever +since he was a little boy. And he was so honest and able and polite that +the people liked him very much and came to the store for his sake, but +the old man liked him more anybody else." + +"Was the old man nice," Keith asked. + +"Yes, indeed, but he was also very peculiar, and the most peculiar thing +about him was that he hated all women and thought that a man who married +was lost for ever." + +"Did he have any children?" + +"No, men who want no wives get no children. That is a part of their +punishment. And so when the owner of the store got older and older, and +began to feel tired, he didn't know to whom he should leave the store. +You may be sure that he thought it over many times, because he was +exceedingly proud of the store and wanted it to go on. The result of his +thinking was that he decided to give it to the young man whom he trusted +and liked so much." + +"How did the young man look," Keith broke in. + +"Something like your father, I should say. But while all this was going +on, the young man had met a princess and fallen in love with her...." + +"A real princess," asked the boy with wide-open eyes. + +"All princesses are real in their own opinion. And she and the young man +had promised to marry each other, and this the old man learned at last. +Then he was very, very angry and told the young man that he was a fool. +And when the young man answered that there were many of his kind, and +that he had pledged his word, the old man told him that he would not get +the store unless he promised to have nothing more to do with the +princess. But the young man loved her and would not give her up, and so, +you see--he didn't get the store. Don't you think that was nobly +done, Keith?" + +"Ye-es," the boy assented without particular enthusiasm, "but if he had +got the store, we should have been rich now?" + +"We," repeated the mother in a funny tone. "Why, then there would have +been no _we_." + +"Why not," he demanded. + +"Or it might have been worse still," she whispered as if momentarily +forgetful of the boy's presence. + +"There is your father now," she said a moment later, when a slight stir +was heard in the adjoining room. "Don't say anything more about the +store.... Do you know what your father wanted to be most of all?" + +Keith looked up speculatively as his father appeared at the doorway to +the parlour--a man of medium height, who stooped because he was +nearsighted, and so looked shorter than he was, but also stronger +because of the great width of his shoulders. + +"I can tell you," the father put in. "When I couldn't study, I wanted to +be a sailor, and I tried to take hire on a ship whose master knew me and +wished to help me. Then they found out that I was too nearsighted to +steer by the compass, and that was the end of it. Didn't I tell that I +was born under the Monkey Star?" + +"Don't talk like that, Carl," the mother protested, rising to give him a +kiss. "You have done very well, and there is no man in the bank more +respected than you." + +"Yes," he admitted with something like a grin. "They know I wouldn't +steal even if I had a chance, and they let me collect four million +crowns, as I did the other day, but I shall never get beyond where I am +today. So there you are--what's struck for a farthing will never be +a dollar." + +Keith's head was still full of what he had heard when he went to bed +that night, and he didn't know whether to feel happy or unhappy about +it. His father had grown bigger and more interesting in some ways, and +yet the boy's chief impression was of a failure and a fall. It was this +impression that stuck most deeply in his mind. + + + +XXI + +Keith's home was not one of those hospitable places with the doors +always wide open, to which people are drawn almost against their will +and from which they come away with difficulty. Perhaps it was, above +all, the spirit of the father that settled this matter. To him, more +than to any Englishman, his home was his castle, and he liked to keep +the drawbridge raised against unwelcome company. And most company seemed +unwelcome, although at times, when the right persons appeared at the +right moment, he could be happy as a child and unbend in a manner that +made Keith gape with wonder. When her good mood prevailed, the mother, +too, was touchingly eager for the diversion provided by a chance visit, +but when the dark moments came, she shunned everybody, while at the same +time she watched any prolonged failure to call with morbid +suspiciousness, ascribing it promptly to a sense of superiority toward +herself and her family. Granny was glad enough to talk to anybody, but +she would never ask any one to call, and if no one came, she was apt to +dig out some particularly bitter proverb, like "money alone has +many friends." + +Both parents could be hospitable enough when occasion so demanded, but +it was a formal thing with them, exercised only after due preparation. +In many ways, they were large-heartedly generous, but only in a serious +manner, when actual need required it. They might give freely beyond what +they could well afford, but the father could be out of humour for days +if some little thing regarded as particularly his own had been touched +or used by another member of the family. + +As it was, people came and went a good deal, but they came formally or +because some specific errand brought them, and most of the errands, +Keith soon realized, were connected with a desire for help. The old +women living like nightbirds in the garret, would drop in frequently, +and almost invariably with some tale of woe that sooner or later drew +from the mother relief in one form or another. And one of Keith's +earliest tasks, half coveted and half feared, was to walk up to one of +the attics with a plate of soup or a saucer full of jam or some other +tidbit. Others would come from the outside, and they, too, were mostly +old women. They always wanted to pat Keith, and he objected passionately +to all of them. His especial aversion was a gaunt old woman with a big +hooked nose and a pair of startlingly large, sad-looking eyes. She +always smiled, and her smile was hopelessly out of keeping with the rest +of her face. The very sight of her made Keith forget all his manners. +Time and again his mother rebuked him and tried to bring him around by +telling the old woman's story--a story of wonderful self-sacrifice and +heroic struggle--but it made no difference to him. There was something +about the sight of poverty and unhappiness and failure that provoked him +beyond endurance, and sometimes he would turn to his mother with a +reckless cry of: + +"Why do you let them come here at all?" + +For the friends of the family, who came there on an equal footing, he +showed more respect, and for a few of them he felt a real liking. As a +rule, however, they inspired him with nothing but indifference, and his +one reason for greeting them with some approach at cordiality was that +they brought a change into the general monotony of the home, and that +their coming might lead to the distribution of some dainties out of the +ordinary. Some of his parents' friends were poor and growing poorer. +Others had the appearance of doing well and hoping for more. It made no +difference to Keith. They were all middle-aged, sedate and preoccupied +with their own little affairs. They tried to be nice to him, but they +did not interest him, and his main grievance against them--not clearly +understood by any means--was that they brought nothing into his life of +what he wanted. + +Had he been asked what he wanted, he would have answered unhesitatingly: + +"Some one to play with." + + + +XXII + +Having whined and nagged until his mother no longer could bear it, Keith +at last obtained the cherished permission to go and play in the lane. + +"But look out for horses," warned his mother as he stood in the doorway +ready to run. "And don't run out of sight, and you must come when I +call, and--you had better keep away from other boys, or you may come +home quite naked this time." + +"What do you mean," asked Keith, turning to see whether the mother was +joking or talking seriously. + +"Don't you recall when those boys took your coat from you, and you came +up here crying?" + +There could be no mistake about her meaning just what she said. Keith +stood still thinking very hard. Here was another memory that he could +not remember at all. There was not a trace of it left in his mind, and +yet it must have happened. It sounded exciting, too, and he wished to +know all about it. + +"You had better close the door," his mother suggested. + +"All right," said Keith, hastening to close the door from the outside +and make a dive for the stairway. There would be plenty of time to ask +about the loss of his coat later. He was halfway down the first flight +when he heard the kitchen door open behind him, and his heart leapt into +his throat. + +"You must go down the stairs quietly," his mother called out from above, +whereupon Keith's heart resumed its normal position. + +He descended the rest of that flight on tip-toe. The second one was +taken more rapidly, and down the last one he went two steps at a time, +the little iron plates under his heels hitting the stones with a ring +that echoed through the old house. + +In the lane he found them loading a dray in front of the distillery, and +he started across to watch the men straining at the next barrel. He had +hardly taken a step in that direction, however, when a loud pop was +heard from the black cave forming the entrance to the distillery. It +was followed first by a single cry, and then by a hubbub of voices. A +second later a young man came running out and threw himself prone into +the gutter, where a trickle of water was to be seen. + +Keith was too astonished to be frightened at once. He could not +understand what made the man act in this way. Then another man came out +in a rush and began to beat the legs of the man in the gutter with his +hands, and Keith suddenly noticed that little blue flames were dancing +up and down the grimy leathern trousers of the first man. + +The memory of the night when the church burned leaped into his mind, +making him turn instinctively toward the passageway and his +mother's lap. + +At that moment a third man appeared carrying a big tank full of water +which he poured over the man in the gutter. The latter got on his feet +and limped back into the distillery, supported by his two comrades. + +Keith was left behind, trembling a little and gazing curiously at the +hanging head of the dray-horse which had not made the slightest movement +during the previous excitement. + +"He'll have to go to bed," said a sleepy voice at his shoulder just +then. + +Keith swung around as if touched by an electric shock. Before him he saw +another small boy, apparently of his own age, but a little taller, and +light-haired like himself. + +"What's your name," asked Keith as soon as he caught his breath. + +"Johan," answered the other stolidly, but not unfriendly. + +"Have you got another name like me?" + +"My name is Johan Peter Gustafsson," was the reply given in the tone of +a lesson painfully learned. + +"Where do you live?" + +"Right here." + +"Not in our house," Keith protested. + +"No, down there," Johan explained, pointing to the little side door +leading into the courtyard of one of the corner houses at the Quay. + +"What's your father?" Keith continued his cross-examination. + +"_Vaktmästare_" said Johan indifferently. + +"So is mine," Keith cried eagerly. "Have you got a bank, too?" + +Johan shook his head as if unable to grasp what Keith meant. + +"My popsey works in the office down there," he said, "and we live beside +it, and at night I go with popsey when he carries all the mail to the +postoffice." + +"Why do you call him popsey," inquired Keith, fascinated by the new word +and wondering if he would dare use it to his own father. + +"Because that's what he is," Johan declared. + +A few minutes later they were playing together as if they had known each +other for ever. They had just discovered an unusually large and tempting +pin in a crack at the bottom of the gutter, when Keith heard his mother +calling from the window above: + +"What are you doing, Keith?" + +"Oh, just playing," he replied without looking up, forgetful of +everything but the pin that would not come out of the crack. + +"Who is that with you?" + +"That is Johan," Keith shouted back triumphantly, "and his papa is a +_vaktmästare_, too." + +"Come right up and let me speak to you," was the insistant rejoinder +from above. + +"Oh, please, mamma," the boy pleaded, his voice breaking a little, +"can't I stay just a little longer?" + +"You must come at once," his mother commanded. + +"Is that your mumsey," Johan asked. + +"It is my mamma," Keith retorted, his attention momentarily diverted by +Johan's most peculiar way of referring to his parents. + +"Then you had better go," advised the new friend sagely, "or she will +tell your popsey, and then you know what happens to you." + +"I think I can come down again, if you wait for me," cried Keith as he +ran into the long dark passageway. + +At that moment a cry of "Johan" rose from the lower part of the lane, +and Keith had to come back once more to look. + +"There's my mumsey now," said Johan philosophically, pointing to an open +window on the ground floor of the corner house. With that he slouched +off in a manner that Keith half envied and half resented. + + + +XXIII + +The sudden emergence of Johan had filled Keith's heart with a new hope. +Here was a possible playmate at last. The fact that his father was a +_vaktmästare_ like Keith's ought to settle all paternal opposition, the +boy thought. But to his great surprise, he found this not to be +the case. + +A severe cross-examination followed his return home. In the midst of it, +Keith made a grievous strategic mistake, lured on by his insatiable +curiosity about strange words. + +"Why does Johan call his mamma 'mumsey' and his papa 'popsey,'" he asked +unexpectedly. "It sounds funny." + +"Because he does not know any better," his mother rejoined with +unmistakable disapproval. "It doesn't sound nice, and it isn't nice." + +"But his papa and mamma don't care," Keith objected. + +"That's the worst of it," said the mother. "It shows they are not very +nice people, and I wish to talk to your father before you can play with +Johan any more." + +"I have heard of them," the grandmother piped up, making them both turn +towards her, one hopefully and the other doubtfully. + +The grandmother never left the kitchen. She walked from the sofa to the +big foot-stool, from the foot-stool to the table by the window, and from +the table back to the sofa. Sometimes she would not be seen talking to +another person for days. And yet she had a miraculous way of surprising +the rest of the family with pieces of gossip picked out of the air, one +might think. There was apparently not a person in the neighbourhood of +whom she had not heard, and about whom she could not give some more or +less intimate piece of information. They were all perfect strangers to +her, but she followed their lives with as much keenness for minute +details as if they had been her nearest kin or dear friends. + +"She was a cook in the house of the man whose office Gustafsson works +in," the grandmother went on. "He used to do odd jobs for the family, +cutting wood and such things, and in that way he met her in the kitchen, +and one fine day they decided to get married. She is older than him, and +I guess it was her last chance. But the family was crazy about her, and +when they heard of it, they gave him the place of attendant in the +office downstairs and the two rooms back of the office to live in. He +was just a peasant boy, and she reads the Bible all day and goes to +prayer-meeting at night." + +"How do you know all that," wondered Keith's mother, having learned by +this time that the old woman's gossip was generally well founded +on truth. + +"Oh," the grandmother said with a queer smile particular to such +occasions, "a little bird sang it to me." + +"I think they must be rather low people," Keith's mother concluded. + +"Perhaps," the grandmother said, "but they have plenty of religion at +least, and I don't think the boy can do much harm to Keith." + +Keith ran up to the grandmother and kissed her impulsively. + +That night there was a great family council. Keith's father was told +about Johan and the Gustafssons. + +"I think they are about as good as ourselves," was his verdict, given in +a tone suggesting contempt for his own position rather than respect for +that of Johan's father. "But Keith has his toys, and that ought to be +enough for him." + +"It _is_ rather lonely for him," the mother rejoined, "and he should get +out a little, I suppose, but I hate to have him playing about the +streets, and I fear Johan's manners are not very good." + +"The best thing is to send him to school," said the father. + +"What are you talking of, Carl," the mother cried. "The idea--when he is +barely five!" + +"He knows more about the letters than I did when I began school at +seven," the father came back unperturbed. + +"I don't think it would be very bad for him to play a little with Johan +now and then," said the mother evasively, bending down to kiss Keith, +who had snuggled up to her during the preceding talk. Then she put her +hand through his waves of almost flaxen hair, bent his head slightly +backward, looked straight into his eyes, and asked: + +"You don't want to leave me, do you?" + +"No," said Keith, hugging her passionately, "but I think I should like +to go to school." + +The idea carried no distinct image to his mind, and he felt a little +timid toward all those unknown possibilities implied by the word school, +but this slight feeling of hesitation was swamped by a longing so +restless and so irresistible that it sent tears to his eyes, although he +could not tell himself what it was he longed for. + + + +XXIV + +It was true that Keith knew a good deal for his age. In fact, he had +mastered the whole alphabet and was making good progress in spelling +under his mother's guidance. He was eager and quick to learn. Generally +his interest was rather fitful, but along this one line it showed no +wavering. It was as if the boy had known that the art of reading would +offer him an escape of some sort. + +He might have advanced still more rapidly if his mother had been more +steady in her teaching. She was very proud of him, and she spoke of +reading and studying as if there were nothing finer in the world. + +"No better burden bears any man than much wisdom," she quoted one day +from the old Eddas--probably without knowing the source. "I know, if any +one does, what lack of money means, but I want you rather to have +learning than wealth. Then, when the whole world is listening to you +with bated breath, I shall walk across North Bridge resting on your arm, +and I shall be repaid for all that my own life has not brought me. We +shall walk arm in arm, you and I, at four o'clock, when the King goes +for a walk, too, and all Stockholm is there to see.... Will you do +that, Keith?" + +"Of course," he cried, his eyes shining. + +But sometimes she was helpless in the grip of one of her depressed +moods, and then days might go by without a lesson. Far from being made +happy by that respite, he would plead with her to be taught "one more +little letter," and finally she would bring down the book from the +hanging book shelf on the wall back of her easy chair. There stood the +a-b-c book she had bought for him, and her favourite hymn-book, and the +New Testament given to the father when he left school to begin earning +his own living, and the miniature copy of Luther's catechism presented +to him at the time of his confirmation. There, too, rested the big Bible +which Keith's mother treasured as much as her wedding ring and the +bureau that was her chief wedding present. It was a gift from her father +when she was confirmed, and on its fly-leaf he had written: + +"Belongs to Anna Margareta Carlsson." + +It was this Bible rather than the a-b-c book that became the principal +means of instruction. Keith loved it, and he could not have been much +more than three years old when he first began to pore over its quaint +old illustrations. The first of these showed an old man with a long +beard and a trailing white garment floating over a sheet of water out of +which rose two ragged pieces of rock. At one corner a pallid sun emerged +out of the fleeing mists, while, at the opposite corner, a tiny moon +crescent seemed about to disappear beneath the stilled waters. + +"Who is that," asked Keith not once, but many times. + +"That is God creating the world," explained his mother. + +"But I don't see the world." + +"It is just coming out," she said, pointing to the rocks. + +"Who's God," was Keith's next question as a rule. + +"He is the father of the whole universe," the mother said reverently. + +"Papa's too," asked the boy once, and seeing his mother nod assent, he +cried jubilantly: + +"Then he must be my grandfather, whose portrait you haven't got!" + +More frequently he stopped short as soon as he heard about the universal +fatherhood. That was grown-up talk to him, and like much else, it +carried no meaning to his mind. Nor did he waste much thought on it +after having asked once if he could see God and been told that no man +could do that and live. His mind was occupied with food and clothes and +toys and people and things. What could never be seen was easily +dismissed--much more easily than the spook that one of the servant girls +insisted on having seen, thus making Keith's father so angry that he +nearly discharged her on the spot. And from that first picture in the +Bible the boy turned impatiently to another further on, where a small +boy with a sword almost as big as himself was cutting the head off a man +much taller than Keith's father. And at the top of each page appeared +big black letters which he could recognize almost as easily as those in +the a-b-c book, although they were differently shaped and much more +pretty to look at. + +To Keith this opening up of a new world was exclusively pleasant at +first, and so it was to his mother, but other people seemed to be +troubled by it at times. One day his free-spoken aunt was visiting with +them, and, as usual, disagreeing with Keith's mother, who evidently felt +one of her dark spells approaching. Wishing to express her disagreement +at some particular point quite forcibly, but wishing also to keep the +listening boy from enriching his vocabulary with a term of doubtful +desirability, she took the precaution to spell out the too +picturesque word: + +"R-o-t!" Just then she caught a gleam of aroused interest in Keith's +eyes, and to make assurance doubly sure, she hastened to add: +"Says rod!" + +"No," Keith objected promptly. "It says rot, and I want to know what it +means." + +"I knew that small pigs also have ears, but I didn't know they could +spell," was her amused comment, uttered in a tone that touched something +in Keith's inside most pleasantly. Then, however, she went on in a +manner grown quite serious: + +"You had better send him to school, Anna." + +"Yes," replied the mother to Keith's intense surprise, "Carl and I have +been talking it over and practically decided to do so. He certainly +needs some better guidance than he gets from his poor, good-for-nothing +mother." + +"Good-for-nothing fiddlesticks!" sputtered the aunt. "You'll make me say +something much worse than rot. Anna, if you keep talking like that when +the boy hears it." + +Keith had heard, but his mind was absorbed by the new idea. + +"Well," said his mother, "I cannot take care of him properly. He is +running down to that Gustafsson boy all time and most of the time I +can't get him home again except by going for him." + +"Johan's mother said yesterday that I hadn't been there half an hour +when you called for me," Keith broke in. "And then she said that I had +better not come back if you don't think Johan good enough for to +play with." + +"I don't say we are better than anybody else," said the mother, +addressing herself to the aunt rather than to Keith. "But I don't know +what he is doing when he is down there, and Johan seems such a clod that +I can't see why Keith wants to play with him." + +"Why can't Johan come up here," asked Keith. + +"Because ...," said his mother, and got no further. + +"Yes," the aunt declared in a tone of absolute finality, "you must send +him to school." + +No sooner had the aunt taken her leave than Keith assailed his mother +with excited demands for further information. She took his head between +her both hands and looked at him as if she would never see him again. + +"Only five," she said at last, "and already he wants to get away. A few +years more--a few short years--and you will be gone for good, +I suppose." + +"Oh, mamma," he protested, "you know that I shall never leave you!" + +"No, never entirely," she cried, kissing him fervently. "Promise me you +won't, Keith!" + +He promised, and then he wanted to know what they did in school. But she +began to talk about difficulties and dangers and temptations and all +sorts of things he couldn't grasp. She spoke with intense feeling, and +as always when she was deeply moved, his whole being was set vibrating +in tune with her mood. His cheeks flushed, his throat choked, his eyes +brimmed over with tears, and at last he began to wonder whether he had +not better stay right where he was. Her eyes were dim with tears, too, +and once more she took his head between her hands and looked an endless +time before she said: + +"Now you are beginning life in earnest, Keith!" + + + +PART II + + + +I + +One day in the early autumn Keith's mother dressed him with unusual care +and kissed him several times before they left the house. Granny had to +be kissed, too, and even Lena came forward to shake hands and say +good-bye. It was a very solemn affair. + +Hand in hand Keith and his mother walked clear across the old City, past +Great Church, until they came to a very broad lane at the foot of which +was a square with a statue in it. At the other end of the square lay a +very large, red building. + +"That's the House of Knights where all the nobility hang up their +coats-of-arms," said the mother. + +But Keith was too excited to ask any questions at that moment. + +They entered a house much finer and neater than their own and stopped in +front of a door on the second floor. A hubbub of shrill voices could be +heard from within. Keith gripped his mother's hand more firmly. + +Then the door was opened by a white-haired lady with spectacles and they +were admitted to a large room, containing a score of little boys and +girls. A dead silence fell on the room as they appeared, and every eye +turned toward Keith, who blushed furiously as was his wont whenever he +found himself observed. + +After a brief talk with the teacher, Keith's mother to him: + +"This is Aunt Westergren, whom you must obey as you obey me. And now be +a good boy and don't cry." + +As the mother tarried by the door for a moment to exchange a last word +with the teacher, and perhaps also to cast one more lingering glance at +the boy, a little girl ran up to Keith, put her right fore-finger on top +of his head and cried out: + +"Towhead!" + +All the other children giggled. Keith blushed more deeply than ever, but +did not say a word or stir a limb. A moment later the teacher began to +cross-question him about his knowledge of letters and spelling, and he +found it much easier to answer her than to face the children. But, of +course, after a while he was quite at home among them without knowing +how it had happened. + +That afternoon his mother came for him. The next morning he had to start +out alone under direct orders from the father, and alone he made his way +home again, his bosom swelling with a sense of wonderful independence. +Years passed before he learned that his mother had watched over him for +days before she was fully convinced of his ability to find the way +by himself. + +The autumn passed. Winter and spring came and went. It was summer again. +The little school closed. Keith could read the head-lines at the tops of +the pages in the big Bible without help. But of the school where he had +learned it hardly a memory remained. It was as if the place had made no +impression whatsoever on his mind. And the children with whom he studied +and played nearly a whole year might as well have been dreams, forgotten +at the moment of waking--all but one of them. + +Harald alone seemed a real, living thing, a part of Keith's own life, +but not a part of the school where the two met daily. He was a year +older than Keith, a little slow mentally, but rather unusually advanced +in other ways. His father was a merchant of some sort, with an office of +his own and half a dozen clerks at his command, and Harald had been +taught to regard himself as a young gentleman. They lived a few houses +from the school, in the same street, and their home was a revelation +to Keith. + +Houses less fortunate than his own were familiar to him, but he had +never seen a better one until he was asked to visit Harald for the first +time, and the comparisons made on that occasion stuck deeply in +his mind. + +They entered through a hallway where caps and coats were left behind, +and from there they went into a room where every piece of furniture was +of mahogany. Between the windows hung a mirror in a gilded frame that +was as tall as the room itself, so that Keith could see himself from +head to foot. The object that caught the boy's attention most of all, +however, was a chandelier suspended from the middle of the ceiling and +made up of hundreds of little rods of glass. As Harald slammed the door +on entering, some of the rods were set in motion and struck against each +other with a tiny twinkle that seemed to Keith the most beautiful sound +he had ever heard. + +That room, Harald said, was used only to receive visitors, and he gave +Keith to understand that there were any number of other rooms on both +sides of it. One of these was Harald's own and used by nobody else. He +could even lock the door of it on the inside, if he wanted. There they +played with tin soldiers several inches high, and Harald had a little +cannon out of which they could shoot dry peas, so that it was possible +to fight a real battle by dividing the soldiers and taking turns of +using the cannon. Finally Harald's mother appeared with a bowl of fruit +and greeted the visitor with a certain searching kindness that made him +a little uneasy in the midst of all his enjoyment. + +Keith returned home that day much later than unusual to find his mother +in a state of frantic worry. At first she declared that he must not go +anywhere without her knowing about it in advance, but after a while she +became quite interested and palpably elated by Keith's tale of all the +glories he had seen. She explained that the glass rods on the +chandeliers were prisms that showed the whole rainbow when you held them +in front of a light, and she asked him eagerly if he had been invited to +come again. But when the father heard of it that night, he said: + +"I don't think Keith should go there at all. He can't ask such a boy +over here, and the next thing we know, Keith's own home will no longer +be good enough for him." + +Keith could hardly believe his ears. He had never felt such resentment +against his father, and just before going to bed, while his father was +out of the room for a moment, he whispered to his mother: + +"I think papa does not want me to have any fun!" + +"You don't understand," she retorted. "He means well. Remember what +Granny says: Equals make the best playmates." + +Three or four times Keith went home with Harald. Then the gates of +paradise were suddenly slammed in his face. One day, as they were +leaving school together, Harald remarked quite calmly: + +"You can't come home with me any more." + +"Why," gasped Keith, his throat choking. + +"Because mamma says I must find some one else to play with," Harald +explained. Then he softened a little: "I can't help it, and I like you." + +"But why," insisted Keith on the verge of tears. + +"You look like a nice boy, mamma says, but your father is nothing but a +_vaktmästare_, and mine is a _grosshandlare_ (wholesale dealer)." + +Keith walked home in a stupor and began to cry the moment he saw his +mother. Her lips tightened and her face grew white as she listened to +the story he sobbed forth. + +"Now you can see that your father was right," she said at last. "Of +course, we are just as good as anybody else, but others don't think +so--because we are poor. But we have our pride, and you had better stay +and play with your own soldiers hereafter. Then I don't have to worry +about you either." + +But Keith had very little pride. He continued to seek Harald's company +as before, and twice, as they about to part in front of the latter's +house, Keith asked if he couldn't come up and play for a little while. + +"Don't you understand," Harald asked the second time, "that my mamma +does not think you good enough for me to play with?" + +Keith had not thought of it in that way. He had learned that there were +people who looked down on his parents, just as they, in their turn, +looked down on the parents of Johan, but the idea that he himself might +be regarded equally inferior was entirely new to him. It was so strange +to him that it took him years to grasp it. And when it came into his +mind, he felt as if some one had raised a heavy stick to strike him, and +he cowered under the impending blow. + + + +II + +Christmas was approaching. + +The days grew shorter and shorter, until at last a scant four hours of +daylight remained around noon. Even then a lamp was often needed +for reading. + +The lead-coloured sky nearly touched the roofs. The drizzle that filled +the air most of the time seemed to enter men's minds, too, sapping their +vigour until life became a burden. Meeting on the streets, they would +cry in irritable tones: + +"When will the snow come?" + +It was always a tedious time for Keith. The incident with Harald made it +worse this year. Except for the daily attendance at school, he was +virtually a prisoner. Johan was to be seen only from the window, whence +Keith enviously watched him prowling about the lane, his hands buried in +the side-pockets of an old coat much too long--apparently inherited from +someone else--and his shoulders hunched as if fore-destined to support +loads of wood like those his father used to carry. If no one was in the +living-room, Keith might shout a greeting to his playmate below, but it +was not much fun, and Johan had a contemptuous way of asking why he did +not come out and play. + +Yet the season was not without its compensations. Stores of every kind +were laid in to last through the winter. One might have thought that a +severance of communications with the outside world was feared. Keith +marvelled at the magnificence of it, and once in a while he asked why it +had to be done. The answers were unsatisfactory. The main reason was +that it had always been done, but he gathered also that, while it was +perfectly respectable to live from day to day during the summer, to do +so during the winter would be a distinct proof of social and economic +inferiority. + +The fire wood came first--a mighty load of birch logs piled along the +house front in the lane. Two men were busy all day with saw and ax, +reducing those logs into pieces matching the fire-places in the kitchen +stove and the two glazed brick ovens in the living-room and the parlour. +Two more men piled the pieces into huge sacks and staggered with those +on their backs up the five flights of stairs to the top garret under the +peak of the house, which belonged to the Wellanders. + +Keith would stand in the kitchen door watching them. First he heard the +slow clamp-clamp of ascending foot-steps. Then the man's heavy breathing +became audible, and Keith felt as if the load was resting on his own +shoulders. Finally the open top of the bag, with its bright stuffing of +newly cut birch wood, showed at the corner of the landing quite a long +time before the head beneath it came into sight. As the man crossed the +landing in front of Keith, bent almost double under his burden, a dew of +pungent perspiration would drop on the slate-coloured stones, leaving +behind a curious path of round spots. Not a word was said at that time, +but coming down the men would sometimes throw a crude jest to the +bright-eyed watcher or stop to refill their mouths with snuff out of a +little thin brass box with a mirror fitted to the inside of its cover. +The sight of the snuff filled Keith with a sense of loathing, although +his father used to put a pinch of it into his nostrils now and then, and +more than anything else it seemed to mark a distinction between himself +and those people from a world far beneath his own. Theirs was a racking +job, heavier than any other known to the boy, and one day he asked +his mother: + +"Why do they care to carry all that wood for us?" + +"Because we pay them, and because they are mighty glad to get the money. +Otherwise they couldn't live." + +"And where does the wood come from?" + +"The bank sends it as part of papa's pay." + +Once more Keith was so impressed with the miraculous power of that +mysterious being which his father served and cursed and worshipped that +his mother's previous answer was lost for the time being. But it +recurred to his mind later and connected with his father's talk of +making him a carpenter. A strong prejudice against manual labour was +shaping itself in his mind. + +After the wood came the victuals: a tub of butter reaching Keith to the +chin; bags of flour; barrels of potatoes and apples; hams and haunches +of dried mutton and smoked reindeer meat; and lastly packages of smaller +size and sundry contents that the mother promptly carried to the pantry +inside the parlour without letting Keith touch them. + +This year--it was the winter following the Franco-Prussian war--the +preparations were rendered uncommonly impressive by the addition of a +cheese large as the moon at full. There was always plenty of cheese of +various kinds in the house: whole milk cheese carefully aged until its +flavour was like that of English Stilton or Italian Gorgonzola; skim +milk cheese stuffed with cloves and cardamom seeds; and dark brown goat +milk cheese of a cloying sweetness that Keith detested. + +Cheese was more than a taste with Keith's father. It was a hobby, and +one of his few pastimes was to skirmish in strange little shops for some +particularly old and strong-smelling piece at a reasonable price. When +he brought home a bargain of that kind, he acted like a bibliophile +having just captured a rare first edition for a song, and the mother +tried hard to share his enthusiasm. But, she said once, she had to draw +the line at cheese that walked by itself. Half in jest and half in +earnest, the father maintained that the maggots were the very essence of +the cheese, and that to remove them was to lose the finest flavour. This +year the father had bought a whole fresh cheese in order to age it at +home and thus save money in two ways, the price being proportionate +to the age. + +The same large-handed system prevailed in other things, though the +parents often spoke of their poverty, and though their resources +undoubtedly were very limited. Shirts, table-ware, bed-linen, china, +etc., must needs be acquired in round numbers. To have less than a dozen +of anything was to have nothing at all. The breaking of a cup was a +family disaster if it could not be replaced. Everything had to be in +sets, and to preserve these intact, the utmost care was preached and +exercised. It bred thrift and orderliness, but also an undue regard +for property. + +Finally came the time for baking and other direct preparations for a +holiday season that in the good old days used to last from Christmas Eve +to January 13th known as the Twentieth Christmas Day, when everybody +"danced the Yule out." What interested Keith most in this part of the +proceedings was the making of gingersnaps according to a recipe +transmitted to his mother from bygone generations and cherished by her +as a precious family secret. A whole day was set aside for the purpose +and at the end of it they had a big, bulging earthen jar filled to the +brim. Keith used to boast to other children of those dainties that, in +addition to their taste, had the fascination of many different +shapes--hearts, crowns, lilies, clubs, diamonds, baskets, and so on. +They really deserved all the praise they got, and he had so little to +boast of on the whole. The jar stood on the floor in the pantry back of +the parlour, and once in a while Keith found his way to it without +maternal permission, although, as a rule, he was little given to +lawbreaking. + +One morning three or four days before Christmas Lena was heard calling +from the kitchen: + +"Keith, Keith, come and look!" + +Eager as always when the slightest excitement was promised, the boy +started so suddenly that his little table was upset with its whole +population of tin soldiers and his mother was moved to remark that "it +was no use behaving as if the house were on fire." + +"Look at the snow," said Lena, pointing to the window when Keith reached +the kitchen, relieved at not having had to pick up the spilled toys +before he could go. + +Huge, wet, feathery flakes were dropping lazily from the sky. Little by +little they increased in numbers and fell more quickly. At last they +formed a moving veil through which the building at the other end of the +courtyard could barely be seen. + +Later in the day Keith was permitted to look out through one of the +front windows. The whole world had changed and looked much brighter in +spite of the failing light. The Quay was covered by a carpet of white +that made the waters beyond look doubly dark and cold. The trees on the +opposite shore looked as if they had been painted from the topmost twig +to the root. Down in the lane, two of the workers in the distillery were +pelting each other with snowballs while a third one was shouting at the +top of his voice: + +"We'll have a white Christmas this year, thank heaven." + +That same evening Keith's long cherished dream of visiting the open-air +Christmas Fair at Great Square was to come true at last. Like other +affairs of its kind, it had been reduced by the modern shop to a mere +shadow of its former glorious self, and it was kept up only out of +regard for ancient tradition. Keith had been told that it was nothing +but a lot of open booths displaying cheap toys and cheaper candy. To +Keith toys were toys and candy candy, no matter what the price and +quality, and so he kept on begging leave to go, until the night in +question his parents, who were going out with friends, deemed it better +to let him see for himself. And so Lena was ordered to take charge of +the expedition. + +Lena and Keith were dressed and ready to start when the mother came +into the kitchen to give the boy a farewell kiss as usual. He was in +high spirits, but fidgety with some unexpressed wish. + +"What is it, Keith," asked the mother, recognizing the symptoms. + +"I want some money," he whispered into her ear. + +"Go and ask papa." + +"No, you ask him." + +That was what always happened, and in the end the mother voiced the +boy's plea to the father, who just then appeared in the door to the +living-room. He was in a good humour and promptly reached into his +pocket. Unfortunately Keith discovered at that crucial moment that one +of his shoe laces had become untied. + +"Please, mamma, help me," he said, putting his foot on a chair to enable +her to reach it more easily. + +"That settles it," exclaimed the father with a darkening face as he +handed Keith a few small copper coins. "That is all you will get now. A +boy of five who makes his mother tie his shoe strings ought not to have +anything at all." + +Keith took the coins silently and went with Lena to the fair, but he saw +nothing worth seeing, and he never wanted to go again. Uneasily he +prowled among the booths trying as a matter of duty to find something so +cheap that his scant hoard would buy it. At last he succeeded in getting +a little box of tin soldiers of poorest quality for one-third less than +the price put on it It was one of the few times in his life when he +found himself able to haggle over the cost of a thing. + +From the first he found fault with the new addition to his army, and one +day not long afterwards he charged the whole regiment with cowardice in +the face of the enemy. A drumhead court martial was held on the spot, +and the verdict was a foregone conclusion. The culprits were found +guilty in a body and sentenced to immediate execution. Then Keith +possessed himself surreptitiously of the family hammer, and when his +mother came to investigate the noise he was making the whole offensive +regiment had been reduced to scraps. Never before or after did Keith as +a general go to such extremes on behalf of military morale. + +But many, many years later, when he stopped for the first time at a +typical English hotel, he found himself horribly embarrassed by the +assistance forced on him by the obligatory valet. + + + +III + +In Sweden the principal celebration with its distribution of gifts takes +place late on Christmas Eve. + +Long before that day Keith began to watch every package brought into the +house. Soon he noticed several that disappeared quickly without having +been opened. Nor did it take his shrewd little mind long to figure out +that they must have been stowed away on the upper shelf of the pantry +back of the parlour. This was an excellent hiding-place because the +shelf in question was fully six feet above the floor and on a level with +the lintel of the doorway, so that its contents seemed as much out of +reach as they were out sight from below. + +One day, however, Keith succeeded in getting into the parlour when both +parents were out. The night before his father had come home with an +unusually large and queerly shaped package under his arm and had taken +it straight into the parlour. The boy's curiosity was at fever heat and +got the better of his customary inertia in the face of explicit +prohibitions. Having dragged a heavy wooden chair into the pantry, he +placed its tall back directly against the shelves. The crosspieces in +the back of the chair formed rungs on which he climbed up to the top +shelf. It was quite a feat for a very small boy, but the slight timidity +that characterized him as a rule was totally forgotten for the time. + +There was the mystifying package together with many others. He could +even touch it with his hand. In spite of its size, it was very light. It +was wider at the bottom than at the top, and it sounded hollow when he +knocked at it. His little brain worked at high pressure, but not a guess +came out of it that was at all plausible. Finally Keith had to climb +down no wiser than he was before. His failure had one advantage. It +freed him from all of guilt. It served also to keep his expectations at +an unusually high pitch, so that when the morning of the great day +arrived at last, it seemed as if he were facing twelve long hours of +actual torture. + +Every one was very busy preparing not only for the feast of the evening, +but for the two coming holidays. Christmas Day in Sweden being followed +by a Second Christmas Day, equal to the first one in leisure if not in +sanctity. No one had any time to spare for the boy, who found himself in +the way wherever he turned. In the end he was ordered pointblank out of +the kitchen, where his mother, Granny and the servant girl needed all +the space at their disposal. The door to the parlour was closed although +the lodger had left town for the holidays, and so nothing but the +living-room remained. There Keith whiled away the long hours in vain +speculation on the contents of the mysterious package. + +He tried to recall what things he had wished for during the year. He +felt sure that nothing of the kind could be in the package. Any desire +openly expressed was disregarded by his father, Keith thought, if not +actually resented. The reason given was that a Christmas present should +be a complete surprise, and if the recipient had openly asked for it, +there could be no talk of surprising him. Of course, Keith could whisper +what he wanted into his mother's ear now and then but always with the +provision that she must convey the proper information to the father as +coming from herself. + +Even this process of elimination failed, however, and so the day dragged +on interminably, with no help from without for a mind weary of waiting. +The customary dinner was passed up. Everybody snatched a bite off the +kitchen table without breaking away from the work. Three or four times +people arrived with packages from relatives or friends. Each visitor had +to be treated, even though he be a stranger of the humblest character. +Then dull monotony reigned once more, and Keith resumed his fidgeting +back and forth between the kitchen door and his own corner. The old toys +were simply unendurable.... + +It had long been dark when the father returned home at last, laden with +parcels and tired out by personal delivery of Christmas gifts to the +various members of the family. His face was slightly flushed and he +talked with unusual eagerness. An atmosphere of reckless good-will +surrounded him, and when he made a remark about there being no presents, +even Keith knew it to be facetious. + +The last hour was the longest. The father and the mother had withdrawn +to the parlour and closed the door behind them. The girl was setting the +table and couldn't be disturbed. Granny was nervous and irritable +because she knew that she would be forced to join the rest at the table +that night. Keith felt like a disembodied soul let loose in infinite +space without goal or purpose. + +Toward eight o'clock the parlour door opened and Keith was called in. A +tiny Christmas tree stood on a table in a corner, glistening with lights +and multicoloured paper festoons. It represented a great concession, +because neither one of the parents cared much for the trouble involved. +If there had been a number of children in the family, they said, then it +would have been another matter. The truth was that Keith didn't care +very much either. He clapped hands and shouted excitedly, of course, but +his glances went sideways to the big sofa, where stood a huge hamper +piled to twice its own height with parcels, all wrapped in snow-white +paper and sealed with red sealing wax. The air of the room was charged +with the rich smell of newly melted wax, and to Keith that smell was +always the essence of Christmas, its chief symbol and harbinger. + +During those few minutes in the parlour a dozen tall candles had been +lighted in the living-room, transforming the place that a moment before +seemed so dreary. The dining table was opened to its full length and +placed across the middle of the room, at right angles to the +chaiselongue where Keith slept nights. Cut glass dishes and silver-ware +shone in the light reflected from the spotlessly white table cloth. In +the centre stood the Christmas layer cake, its body four inches thick +and its top glistening with red and yellow and green pieces of +candied fruit. + +Then began the little comedy regularly enacted every Christmas. + +"Isn't Granny coming," the father asked. Then he turned to Lena. "Tell +her we are ready." + +"She says she doesn't want to come in," Lena reported after a hasty +visit to the kitchen. + +"You go and ask her for me, Keith," was the father's next suggestion. + +"Thank you, dear," Granny said when Keith came to her with his message. +"But you tell your father that I think the kitchen is a much better +place for a useless old hag like myself." + +"Suppose you go," the father said to his wife on hearing Keith's +modified version of Granny's reply. + +"She says she really won't come in," the mother explained a minute +later. "You had better go out and ask her yourself, Carl. It is the one +thing she cannot resist." + +The father went with a broad grin on his face. Keith laughed loudly and +nervously, his eyes on the huge cake. But the mother said +apologetically to Lena: + +"Mamma is so funny about coming in here, although she knows how much we +want her." + +"Here she is now," said Lena. + +And the father appeared with Granny on his arm, and Granny was all +dressed up in her best skirt of black silk thick as cloth, with a cap of +black lace on her head. + +"Really, I can't see what you want with an old thing like me in here," +she continued protesting as she was being led to her seat beside Keith. +The girl sat opposite Granny, and the mother beside the girl, facing +Keith. The father, on that one occasion, always occupied the +chaiselongue at the short end of the table, with the mother on his right +and Keith on his left. Beside him stood the hamper with its mountainous +pile of parcels. + +Keith said grace with folded hands and bent head, and, of course, he had +to say it twice because the first time he swallowed half the words in +his eagerness to get through quickly. Then the meal began. + +It opened with a light _smörgasbord_, hors d'oeuvres, literally rendered +sandwich-table: caviar, anchovy, sardines, shavings of smoked salmon, +slices of bologna, and so on. With it the father took a _snaps_ of +Swedish gin or _brännvin_, and after much pressing Granny consented to +take one, too. The main course consisted of _lutfisk_: dried and salted +codfish that had been soaked in water for twenty-four hours to take out +the salt and then boiled until it was tender as cranberry jelly. It was +served with boiled potatoes and a gravy made of cream and chopped +hard-boiled eggs. It was followed by _risgrynsgröt_: rice cooked in milk +and served with a cover of sugar and cinnamon. Wherever Swedes go, they +must have those two dishes on Christmas Eve. They have had them since +the days when Christmas was a pagan celebration of the winter solstice, +when dried codfish was the staple winter food, and when rice was the +rarest of imported delicacies. + +Keith did not become interested until the rice appeared and the father +declared that no one could taste it until he or she had "rhymed over the +rice." Lena had to begin, and blushingly she read: + +"To cook rice is a great feat, especially to get it sweet." + +Whereupon everybody applauded, and the mother followed: + +"Those who don't like rice are worse than little mice." + +The father made them all laugh by saying: + +"The rice is sweet and looks very neat, but now I want to eat." + +The cutting of the cake, with its coating of sugar and its many layers +of custard ... the wine, port and sherry, poured from tall glass +decanters with silver labels hung about their necks to show which was +which ... the blushing native apples and the figs from distant sunlit +shores ... the almonds and raisins that tested best when eaten together +... the candy and the caramels ... the absence of restraint and reproof +... the freedom to indulge one's utmost appetite ... the smiles and the +pleasant words and the jokes sprung by the father ... and in the midst +of it all a pause laden with rose-coloured melancholy.... + +"Why can it not be Christmas every day," asked Keith suddenly. + +"Because Christmas then would be like any other day," the father +replied, reaching for the first parcel which was always for Keith. + +One by one they were handed out. Each one was elaborately addressed and +furnished with a rhymed or unrhymed tag that often hid a sting beneath +its clownish exterior. The father read the inscription aloud before he +handed each parcel to its recipient, who had to open it and let its +contents be admired by all before another gift was distributed. + +The table became crowded. The floor was a litter of paper. Lena giggled. +Granny's cap was down on one ear. Keith could not sit still on +his chair. + +"To Master Keith Wellander," the father read out. "A friendly warning, +to be remembered in the morning and all through the day. He who slops at +meals is a pig that squeals and hurts his parents alway." + +Keith took the parcel with less than usual zest. It was rectangular and +very heavy. For a moment he hesitated to open it. There was something +about its inscription that puzzled and bothered him. + +At last the wrapper came off, and he gazed uncomprehendingly at a large +piece of wood hollowed out like a canoe. + +"A boat ..." he stammered. + +"A trough," rejoined his father, a strange, almost embarrassed look +appearing on his face. "This is Christmas and I want you to be happy, +but you must learn to eat decently, and I thought this might serve you +as a lesson and a reminder." + +Keith said nothing. He sat looking at that piece of wood as if it were a +dragon that had swallowed the whole Christmas in a single gulp. He +wanted to cry, but for the first time he seemed to feel a pride that +forbade him to do so.... + +"Master Keith Wellander," the father read out again with evident haste +and in a voice which he tried to make very jolly, "When beaten in the +open field, this will be my trusty shield." + +It was _the_ package--and the trough was forgotten. + +The boy trembled with excitement. His hands tore vainly at the paper +cover, which, in the end, had to be removed by the father. + +On the table, fully revealed at last, stood a real fortress of +cardboard, with a drawbridge that could be raised, and a tower in the +centre, and at the top of it a flagstaff flying the Swedish colours. + +It was his heart's most cherished desire, the thing that had seemed so +unattainable that he had deemed it useless to whisper it into his +mother's ear. + +For a long while he did not move at all, but just looked and looked, +seemingly afraid to touch the new toy. Then a warm flood of joy shot +through him, and suddenly he was seized by an irresistible impulse to +kiss his father--which was a most unusual endearment between them. As he +put his hand on the table to get off the chair, it touched the trough, +and once more his mood changed. He seemed to stiffen, and all he could +do was to hold out his hand and whisper: + +"Thank you very much, papa!" + + + +IV + +On Christmas Day morning everybody rose while it was still pitch dark +outside. After a hasty cup of coffee, the parents and Keith set off for +Great Church to attend _julotta_--yule matins--an early service held +only that one day of the year. + +More snow had fallen, and now it was freezing, so that every step they +took produced a peculiar, almost metallic crunching. From every quarter +silent crowds in their holiday best streamed toward the old church. They +seemed very solemn, but Keith sensed the happy spirit underlying their +outward sedateness. It filled him with a wild desire to romp, and it was +merely the awe of his father's presence that kept him in check. + +The church was packed, but they found good seats. Keith had eyes for one +thing only: the Star of Bethlehem that blazed above the screen of darkly +green spruces surrounding the altar. All the rest of it was lost on him. + +Then the organ music burst forth, and for a moment he cowered as under a +blow. It was too much of a novelty, and the vibrations touched his +supersensitive nerves annoyingly. After a while he grew more accustomed +to it, but he did not like it, and he said so loudly enough to bring him +a stern glance from his father and smiles from some of the people in the +pew ahead. During the brief sermon he slept peacefully. + +As soon as they were home again, the fortress was brought out and +preparations made for a great siege. In the midst of it he left his +corner to put a question to the mother, who was dozing over a book in +her easy chair. + +"How could papa know that I wanted it," he asked, and she knew what he +was thinking of. + +"Don't you remember," she answered smiling slyly, "how you came home one +day last summer and talked about something you had seen in a window on +West Long Street, and papa was listening." + +"So long ago," mused Keith, "and I didn't know he heard it." + +"Oh, yes, he heard, and he remembered. You don't understand papa. He +doesn't want you to ask for things because he finds it such a pleasure +to figure out what you want and give it to you unexpectedly." + +Keith returned to his corner thinking hard, as was his wont at times. +The siege was postponed. He took out the trough and studied it +carefully. It would make a good boat. Then he put it down and sat for a +while looking at the little fortress--so like the one he could see when +he looked out of their front windows. His heart swelled, and with a rush +that nearly upset his little table, he made for his father in the +parlour, crawled up on his lap, put both arms about his neck, and kissed +him. And to his surprise he was not repelled. But a moment later his +father put him down on the floor and said in a voice that sounded a +little choked: + +"Go back and play with your soldiers now." + +Then came dinner, always the same on Christmas Day: _smörgasbord_; +roasted fresh ham with mashed potatoes and tiny cubes of Swedish +turnips fried in butter; rice and milk; cake and wine. + +And the day ended as it had begun, happily and peacefully. Never had the +boy felt more warmly toward his father. But at dinner the next day, +which was also a holiday so that the father was at home, Keith happened +to spill something on the table cloth. + +"Remember your Christmas present," said the father sharply. "You are old +enough to behave properly at table, and if you won't, we shall let you +eat in your own corner and eat out of the trough." + +During the rest of that day Keith could not play with his fortress. Once +he took the trough to the window that happened to be open and +contemplated the possibility of dropping it into the lane. But his +courage failed him. + +It stayed with him as part of his little stock of toys, and gradually it +came to be viewed with a certain amount of indifference. But on the rare +occasions when he was permitted to have a playmate at home, he always +managed to hide the trough under his mother's bureau. And even the mere +consciousness of its presence there would sometimes set his +cheeks burning. + + + +V + +It was summer again. The school was closed. Keith's pleas to be allowed +to play with Johan became impassioned. Consequently his parents were +pleased when Aunt Brita asked if Keith could spend a few weeks with +them in a little cottage they had hired on an island halfway between +Stockholm and the open sea. + +To Keith this was a tremendous adventure--his first excursion from home, +and almost his first acquaintance with real country life. In fact, the +impressions of the journey itself were so many and so novel that his +mind couldn't retain anything at all. The same thing happened over and +over again during the earlier part of his life, so that out of that +epoch-making summer visit, for instance, only a single slight incident +took up a lasting abode in his memory. + +The cottage stood in the middle of the island, which was so small that a +fifteen-minute walk took them down to the nearest shore. Thither they +went one afternoon not long after his arrival to bathe--his aunt, his +cousin Carl who was a year younger than himself, Keith, a couple of +other children of the same age, and Mina, an eighteen-year old girl +living with Keith's uncle and aunt in a position halfway between ward +and servant. Across the fields and along shaded wood paths they ran +joyously to a sheltered bay with a sandy beach from which the open fjord +could be seen in the distance. The children stripped helter-skelter and +went into the shallow water as nature had made them, but Mina, who was +to assist them, had for want of bathing suit put on a starched white +petticoat. The upper part of her body was bare, showing two beautifully +pointed breasts. + +Keith looked and looked at those breasts until Mina noticed him and +actually began to blush. As if embarrassed, she picked up one of the +other children and began to swing it around in a circle. Her movement +turned Keith's attention to the petticoat, and suddenly he could think +of nothing else. + +The children were naked. Why should Mina wear a piece of clothing that +even Keith could see was quite unfitted for such a use. There must be +something to hide. What could it be? At last he could contain himself no +longer, but blurted out: + +"Why does Mina wear that silly skirt?" + +"Because she is afraid of catching cold," replied his aunt from the +shore with a slight jeer in her voice and one of her shrewd smiles. + +"Why shouldn't we catch cold, too," was his next question. + +There was no direct answer, but he could hear his aunt mutter between +her teeth: + +"Drat that boy!" + +Then she burst into open laughter, while Mina rushed ashore and hastily +began to dress behind a close screen of undergrowth. + +After that Mina did not go in bathing with the children. + +Many years later Keith could still visualize the whole scene as if it +had happened only a few days ago, while all his efforts to recall the +cottage where they lived, or anything else seen that summer, were vain. + + + +VI + +In the autumn of that year Keith was sent to a "real" school, selected +after much inquiry by his parents as combining a reasonable degree of +efficiency and social standing with an equally reasonable cost of +tuition. It was private like the first one, kept by two middle-aged +spinster sisters, one of whom was tall, angular and firm, while the +other was short, fat and sentimental. It held about two scores of +pupils, most of whom were girls. These girls ranged in years to the +near-marriageable age, while none of the boys was more than eight years +old. Thus the atmosphere was distinctly feminine, which in the eyes of +Keith's mother marked an added advantage. + +The only thing that excited Keith about the new school was that it took +him farther from home than he had ever been allowed to wander unattended +before, into a hitherto unexplored region of the city known as the South +End. It was a poor man's neighbourhood on the whole, but of that Keith +knew nothing at the time. The school occupied a few large and sunny +rooms in the rear part of a sprawling old stone structure built like a +palace around an enormous cobble-stoned courtyard, with a tall arched +gateway providing entrance from the street under the front part of the +house. For a while it was quite impressive and a little disturbing, but +like everything else it soon became familiar and commonplace. + +To get there from his own part of town, Keith had to cross the Sluice--a +lock enabling vessels to pass safely from Lake Maelaren to the salt +waters of the Bay in spite of the frequently sharp difference of level. +At either end of the lock was a drawbridge in two sections raised from +the centre to let the larger vessels through. The place was full of +interesting sights, and Keith loved in particular to press right up +against the edge of the raised bridge as some steamer or small sailing +vessel glided leisurely in or out of the ever shifting waters of +the lock. + +At first it never occurred to him that he might walk around by the other +bridge when the one right in his way happened to be open, and so he was +late at school several times in quick succession. The first time he was +warned. The second he was placed in a corner of the room with his face +to the wall and kept there for about one quarter of an hour. The third +time the elder Miss Ahlberg applied a ruler to the finger-tips of his +left hand, which she held in a firm grasp within one of her own. + +The physical sensation gave the boy a terrible shock. No one had ever +really hurt him before. The spankings administered at home once in a +very great while were like thunderstorms, with a great deal of noise and +small harm done. This was something else, and more intimidating than the +pain was the manifest intention of the teacher to inflict it. Her face +was tense and her eyes flashed fire. Worst of all, however, was the +shame of it, for the punishment was applied in front of the +whole school. + +When Keith retired to his own seat sobbing bitterly, he felt that he +could never look the other children in the face, and that they probably +would shun him as a pariah. The only thing would be to tell his mother +that he could not go back to school again. He was still shaking with +sobs, when he heard a boy on the chair behind him whisper into his ear: + +"Oh, that's nothing. You just wait till she pulls your hair. She pulls +it right out by the roots. I'll show you a bare spot on my head during +the next pause." + +And so he did when the lesson came to an end and they were permitted to +play for a few minutes. Other children joined them, and no one seemed to +think less of Keith for what had happened to him. It was a revelation to +him and opened vistas of considerable interest. But the memory of the +physical and mental shock received was more powerful, and after that he +took care to reach school in time regardless of what might be the +temptations along his path or the effort it might cost him to get there. + +In fact, the incident became to some extent determining for his whole +career in school. He never voluntarily did anything that might expose +him to punishment, and rarely was he able to forget himself to the +extent of incurring reproof. He turned out a docile pupil, and on the +whole, docility did not come hard to him. In spite of the vitality with +which he overflowed, there was a certain timidity attaching to him. + + + +VII + +It would be wrong to conclude that the little school of the Misses +Ahlberg was characterized by any reign of terror. As a rule, the +atmosphere was peaceful and kindly, and the teaching was rather good. +Keith was eager to learn, and learning came easy to him. In those early +days, of course, there was no studying to be done at home, but even in +later years he never knew what it was to "plug." In fact, he could not +do it. Either his interest was aroused, and then he absorbed the matter +at hand in the way he breathed, without the least conscious effort; or +his interest remained unstirred, in which case no amount of mechanical +application would help. Learning by rote offered no escape in the latter +case, for his memory operated in the same way as the rest of his mind, +sucking up what fitted it as a blotter sucks the ink, and presenting a +surface of polished marble to any matter not germane according to its +own mysterious standards. + +Soon he could read without any effort whatsoever--anything. Reckoning +came easy, too, but writing came hard. It seemed so much easier to take +in than to give out in any form. Grammar gave him no difficulty, because +it dealt with words, and words possessed a magic charm that always held +him. Gradually he began to dip into history and geography--wonderful +realms into which his imagination plunged headlong. He took almost as +eagerly to the old stories out of the Bible--stories of which he had +caught more than a glimpse at home--but the Catechism was like washing +in the morning: it had to be done because higher powers so decreed. + +Yes, he learned a good deal for a little boy of his age, but he never +knew how it happened. The school was never quite real to him. His home +was real, and his play at home. So was his daily walk to and from school +with its innumerable opportunities for observation in the raw. There +were people in the streets, and shops along the road, and many different +kinds of vessels in the harbour. There was the guardhouse on the little +square halfway to school, kept by a small detachment of soldiers that +were relieved every noon and that never belonged to the same regiment +two days in succession. Watching them gave him many suggestions for +handling his own tin soldiers in a more business-like fashion. + +But at school.... He was never absentminded or unattentive, for that +might have brought the quick clutch of the elder Miss Ahlberg's bony +hand into his own supersensitive crop of hair, and most of what was +going on had enough interest in itself to prevent his mind from straying +far afield. He knew the names of his fellow pupils. He played with those +of his own age, and he had likes and dislikes, as was natural. But +through it all he moved as through a mist, seeing only the thing +immediately at hand, and losing sight of everything the moment he had +passed it. The three years spent in that school seemed to telescope into +each other so that soon afterwards he found himself unable to tell if a +thing had happened during the first or last of those years. Nor did the +things he remembered have any connection with the school as a rule, and +out of all the boys and girls he met there not one remained distinct in +his memory as did the figure of Harald from the first school. When he +left the school to go home for the day, he was done with it, and nothing +followed him but what was stored in his head. And that, too, seemed +forgotten at the time, to be re-discovered later with a sense of +pleasant surprise. + +And all that time things were happening to him at home and elsewhere +that, as far as importance went, stood in curious contrast to his +quickly forgotten experiences at school--things that burnt themselves +into his mind as a part of its permanent contents.... + + + +VIII + +There was not a private bathroom to be found in Stockholm in those days. +One washed hands and face and neck whenever compelled to, and some +people, like Keith's father, splashed the upper part of their bodies +with water every morning regardless of weather and temperature. Once a +week every self-respecting person went to a public bath for a thorough +steaming and scrubbing. + +Keith's mother did like the rest, and generally she took the boy along +as he was admitted without extra charge. Then mother and son would get +into a tremendous tub full of hot water--so large and so full that +Keith had to sit up in order to keep his head above water. He always +enjoyed it very much, and especially he enjoyed feeling his mother's +soft body close to his own. + +On an occasion of this kind he had already finished his bath and was +sitting on a wooden bench beside the tub wrapped in a big sheet. The old +woman attendant stood ready with a similar sheet for his mother, who was +just stepping out of the tub facing the boy. + +She was still young, and her skin, always beautiful, was aglow with the +heat of the bath and the friction of the scrubbing. + +Keith stared open-eyed at her, unconscious of any particular interest, +and yet filled with a vague, slightly disturbing sense of pleasure. + +Then his mother caught his glance. Their eyes met. A slight flush spread +over her face. + +Grabbing the sheet from the old woman, she flung it about herself. As +she did so, he heard her say to the attendant: + +"That young gentleman will have to bathe with his father hereafter, I +guess." + +At first he was conscious of a rebuke, and the cause of it left him +quite at sea. He would probably have puzzled over it a great deal more +than he did, had not his mind become preoccupied with the idea that he +would be allowed to accompany his father to the men's part of the +establishment. It was an idea that filled him with a sort of +shrinking pride. + + + +IX + +Among the less intimate friends of his mother was a young widow with a +little girl about a year younger than Keith. For some reason unknown to +the boy, those two came to see his mother several times that Spring. It +was the first time in his life Keith met a girl on familiar terms. + +Clara was slender and elfish, with a wealth of yellow tresses falling +down her back. She was tender and gay, too, and Keith liked to hear her +laugh. When they played, she was always ready to fall in with any whim +of Keith's. + +One afternoon, when the days were growing longer, Clara's mother asked +permission to leave her with the Wellanders while she attended to some +business in the neighbourhood. Keith's mother was occupied in the +kitchen in some manner making her wish to have the door to the +living-room closed. Thus the two children were left to play by +themselves. + +He never could remember how it began, and he could not tell what put the +idea in his head.... + +It was a new game, and she played it as readily as any other he might +have proposed. They had crawled so far into his own corner by the window +that they were almost hidden behind mamma's bureau. + +At first they whispered to each other, eagerly as children do, but only +with the eagerness they might have shown if playing hide-and-seek. Then +he raised her little dress, and she didn't seem to mind. He also undid +his own dress, and they studied each other's bodies, noting the +differences. + +The end of it was that they laid down together on the floor. He put his +mouth to hers and hugged her just as tightly as he could. When they had +been lying in way for a while, he whispered to her: + +"Isn't it nice?" + +And she dutifully whispered back: "It is!" + +A few minutes later they were playing with his tin soldiers, and soon +after Clara's mother returned to take her away. + +During their entire play both doors had remained closed. Keith was quite +sure of that. He had looked before he started the new game, although he +was not aware of trespassing on prohibited territory. + +Afterwards he felt rather uneasy. There was a distinct sense of risk +attaching to that game, and he wondered whether Clara might tell her +mother. At the same time the thought of what he had done filled him with +inexplicable satisfaction, as if, in some way, he had put something over +on the grown-ups. + +As for his own mother--she seemed to be watching him with unusual +concern during the next few days, and he could not escape a suspicion +that she knew. Closed doors did not seem to prevent grown-up people from +knowing what children did. + +At the same time he wondered why he and Clara should not be playing as +they had done. There was really nothing to it. And the comparisons they +had made took no hold of his imagination. The differences revealed he +accepted as he accepted anything that had no direct bearing on his own +happiness. + +As far as he could recall afterwards, he never saw Clara again. Nor did +he seem to miss her. + + + +X + +Summer again. + +The incident with Clara was forgotten. Yet Keith had a sense of being +watched a little more closely than usual. He was rarely permitted to go +out alone after his return from school. And he was scolded if he ever +was late in coming home. + +There was mystery in the air. The parents talked together a good deal in +a way that made Keith understand they were talking about him and did not +want to be overheard. + +As soon as school closed the secret became revealed. He would be sent +into the real country for the summer to board with perfect strangers. + +"Any children," was Keith's first question. Yes, a couple of sons in the +house, and probably one or two more boys from the city, boarders +like Keith. + +It seemed the thing had been planning for a long time. The mother said +something about the necessity for Keith of going where everything was +clean and wholesome--the air, the food, the people. The boy knew that +she had been worrying about him for some reason he could not guess. + +An advertisement in a newspaper had led his mother on the track of what +she wanted. She read it to him--"a religious family with children of +their own would take a few well-behaved boys of good family for the +summer months and give them a real home and as good as parental care." + +It turned out to be the sexton of a country parish on the northern shore +of Lake Maelaren who had devised this means of eking out his probably +limited professional income. The ensuing correspondence had proved quite +satisfactory. The mother was evidently pleased. It was almost as good as +staying with the pastor himself, she said. + +Keith knew what a pastor was. He had several times heard one preach from +a funny hanging box in Great Church, and he thought of him as a man who +was always dressed in black and who was even more serious than the +father. But it did not bother him, partly because he realized that, +after all, a sexton was not the same as a pastor, and partly because his +mind was full of something else. It was not the country, although his +previous experience of it, when he was staying with his aunt, had given +him a rather favourable impression. No, what occupied him to the +exclusion of everything else was the thought that he would be able to +play with other children all day long, and that there would be no one to +pull him away just as a game was becoming really interesting. + +Exciting days of preparation followed. And finally the day of departure +dawned. + +The greater part of the journey was to be made by boat to the little +town of Enköping, where Mr. Swensson, the sexton, would be waiting with +a team. The mother could not go along, and so Keith was placed in the +hands of some people going the same way, who promised to look after him +and see that he did not fall into wrong hands when the steamer landed. + +Keith had to stand in the stern of the boat and wave his handkerchief as +long as his mother remained visible. Then he was free, at last, to +surrender himself to the novelty of his situation. And as always upon +such occasions, when new impressions came crowding in upon him, the +record became too blurred for clear remembrance. This was true not only +of the trip on the steamer, the arrival at Enköping with its little +old-fashioned red houses, the meeting with Mr. Swanson, the drive of +thirty miles or more inland, the arrival at the sexton's house not far +from a white spired church, and the introduction to a seemingly endless +number of new faces, but of the whole long summer. A couple of months +sufficed to wipe out of his memory everything but a few comparatively +trivial incidents and impressions. + +Only one name escaped the general oblivion--that of the sexton himself. +Only one view left a lasting image behind--that of a tremendously large +boulder, a memento of the glacial period, that rose like a crude +monument right in the centre of a tilled field almost, but not quite out +of sight of the house. Only one face would come back in recognizable +shape when he tried to recall that rather momentous summer--that of a +boy a few years older than himself, who was the leader of all the games +played around the big rock in the open field. + + + +XI + +Quite a gang of boys gathered daily about the big rock, generally on the +farther side of it where they could not be seen from the house. Beyond +the rock in that direction was nothing but an open field, and then the +woods, rarely disturbed by a visitor. Thus they were really more safe +than indoors as no one could approach them without being detected while +still far away. + +The two sons of the sexton were there, and a couple of boys from the +city besides Keith, and three or four sons of neighbouring farmers. They +ranged in ages from eight to eleven or twelve. Keith was the baby, but +this was never held up against him. He was commonly treated as an equal, +which raised his self-confidence tremendously, but it had also a +somewhat embarrassing effect when the others seemed to take for granted +that he knew as much as they concerning the matters that most occupied +their minds--to judge by their talk at least. + +The oldest of the lot, and their undisputed leader, was a peasant boy of +remarkable ugliness, squint-eyed and snub-nosed, with tufts of yellow +hair always falling over his face and several teeth missing. His clothes +were in rags and he never wore shoes. He boasted of never washing unless +"the old one" stood over him with a stick, and his language was worse +than both his manners and his looks. An unbroken stream of profanity +and obscenity poured from his rarely silent mouth, and he heaped +withering scorn on any attempt at decent speech. + +Keith had now and then picked up questionable words while playing in the +lane where he lived. Johan sported some of them in moments of furious +rebellion against his mother's "holiness," as he called it. Once or +twice Keith had repeated such words at home and suffered for it. Soon he +learned to know the type at first hearing, and he disliked this part of +the vocabulary even when he could use it without danger to himself. He +developed a greater daintiness in words than in anything else, but this +summer formed an exception. The force of suggestion brought to bear on +him was too overwhelming, and he strove boldly to vie with the rest in +foulness of tongue and thought. As soon as he was back in the city, this +habit dropped off him as the soap lather is washed off a bather when he +dives into the clear waters of a lake. But the game he had learned to +play back of the big rock could not be unlearned in the same way. + +This game was in itself a revelation to Keith. He was not shocked or +startled, because he had no standards in the matter, but at first he +experienced a distinct revulsion. This wore off quickly, however, and +soon he accepted what he saw as a natural thing. The boy whose face +stuck in Keith's mind with such strange persistency set the pace, and +everybody seemed to hold him a hero on that account. Even the other city +boys surrendered after a brief resistance and tried humbly to emulate +the acknowledged leader. + +Everything took place openly in the most brazen fashion, as if they had +been playing leap-frog or hide-and-seek. Every one boasted of his own +achievements and tried to outdo the rest in unashamed performance. Yet +it was not so much a question of companionship in indulgence as of +sportsmanlike competition. Pleasure had little to do with it. What they +did, and still more what they pretended to have done, was an assertion +and a proof of manliness, and so was the language they used among +themselves. If they hid from the older people, that was not because they +regarded themselves as engaged in any sinful pursuits, but because the +grown-ups to them appeared jealous of all childish pleasures, and +particularly jealous of the pleasures most treasured by themselves. + +Outwardly Keith played the part of an interested but passive observer. +When taunted for his timidity, or as being a mere infant, he parried by +using a number of nasty words, some of which he did not know the meaning +of. When by himself, he soon found that he could play the game as well +as the rest, and it increased his sense of self-importance very much, +but of this he said nothing to any one. Something within his own nature +protested against the flaunting of such an act, though the act itself +carried no offence to his childish mind. The inner protest was not +strong enough to break into words or to make the companionship of the +other boys seem repulsive to him. Nor was it concerned with anything +Keith did by himself. + +The summer went very fast. Keith was sorry when told that it was time +for him to go home. He would come back, of course, but his regrets were +only momentary. No sooner was he started than the idea of seeing his +mother, Granny, and his tin soldiers again, put everything else out +of his mind. + +His mother was overjoyed to see him and revelled in his healthy looks. +She made him tell her at great length, over and over again, about +everything he had seen and done, about the place and the people, about +the food and the games he had played. Keith talked and talked, eagerly +and freely, but of the game played behind the big rock he never said +a word. + +He was then not quite seven years old. + + + +XII + +That autumn and winter he was permitted to play a good deal with Johan, +and always in Johan's home. His mother had a bad spell of depression, +and while it made her fret and worry more than ever about Keith, as well +as about everything else, she was either too weak to resist his pleas, +or she felt his absence as a relief. + +To his intense surprise, Keith found that Johan already knew all about +the new game, and that he was quite willing to play it. And for a couple +of years it became an important part of what they had in common. Chances +were not lacking, for Johan's mother was too wrapt up in her postils and +religious speculations to watch them closely, and there was always the +outhouse to which they could retire for privacy. + +Their relationship was a peculiar one. Although the younger by a few +months and the smaller by several inches, Keith was the leader and the +aggressor. Johan remained passive--too passive, Keith often thought. + +There was nothing of love in Keith's feelings toward Johan, nothing +emotional. The tenderness that was such a marked feature of his +character did not come into play at all. In fact, he rather looked down +on Johan, who frequently annoyed him by his dullness and his lack of +personal neatness. The truth of it was that he played with Johan merely +because he was the only other boy in sight, and in so far as that +particular game was concerned, Johan was simply an accessory to it in +same way as his tin soldiers and his toy fort. + +In playing it, Keith had always a sense of seeking something else, but +he had not the slightest idea of what this something might be. It must +have some relation to girls, he felt vaguely, but beyond that vague +feeling he could not get. Clara remained forgotten. + +Gradually Johan became more and more indifferent and reluctant as far as +that game was concerned. Dull as he was, he seemed to have some sort of +scruples that Keith couldn't understand. More and more Keith was thrown +back on himself. Once more a new set of interests began to take the +lion's share of his attention, although the game learned behind the big +rock would reassert its puzzling fascination from time to time. + + + +XIII + +His eagerness to read and his lack of reading matter had for some time +presented a growing problem. The books of his father--and there were +quite a number of them--were taboo for a double reason: first, because +they were not held safe for him to read, and, secondly, because his +father regarded them as his particularly private property that must not +be touched by any one else. + +So he fell back on the old Bible and chance pickings. The stirring and +bloodcurdling stories in the Books of the Maccabees were his favourites. +He read them over and over, and he tried to dramatize that unbroken +record of battles with the help of his tin soldiers. But the reason he +could return to those stories so often was that he began studying them +while reading was still a partly mastered art, and half the time he was +more interested in the game of reading, so to speak, than in what +he read. + +A year in the new school had made a great change. He read anything with +ease, and while he read rather slowly without ever skipping, his mind +took in what he read quickly and thoroughly so that going back over a +thing once perused became less and less attractive. He wanted new +material for his mind, and he wanted it in steadily increasing +quantities. + +One day he made a great discovery. Books could be borrowed from other +people. One of his schoolmates came to school with a wonderful +illustrated copy of "Don Quixote" arranged for children. Keith went into +ecstasies over it. The mail-clad figure of the Knight of the Rueful +Countenance on the front cover was to him the beckoning guardian of a +world of wonders, the very existence of which he had never before +suspected. Tears came into his eyes at last as he stared hopelessly at +the object of his newly born desire. As a rule he blurted out any wish +he might have, but the thing was clearly too precious to ask as a gift +or acquire by bartering, and he had never heard of any other way of +getting it. + +"Mercy," cried the other boy after having watched him for a while. "You +can take it home and read it, if you only promise to bring it back." + +For a moment Keith was too overcome to speak. Then he became hysterical +with joy. The rest of the school day passed in a trance. He ran a good +part of the way home. Arrived there, he almost forgot to give his mother +and Granny the inevitable kiss of greeting. And he might even have +refused to be bothered by such a thing but for his fear of being put +under some discipline that might prevent him from plunging straightway +into the unexplored country of make-believe. + +On seeing the book, his mother hesitated for a moment, but soon she was +delighted with the results it produced. Keith had no thought of asking +leave to see Johan that day. He was lost to the world around him. Not a +sound was heard from him. There was no nervous running about in futile +search for "something to do." The home was as quiet as if he had been +away, and yet there he was, safely ensconced in his own corner, where +his mother could watch him all the time. + +Everybody was happy until the father returned home and heard of what had +happened. Having looked the book over for a moment, while the boy +watched him with a shrinking heart, he said at last: + +"You must return it tomorrow, and I don't want you to borrow any more +books. You may spoil it in some way, and then you will have to pay for +it, and where are you to get the money?" + +Keith tried hard not to cry, but the blow was too overwhelming. He was +driven out of his new paradise after a tantalizing glimpse at it. And he +could not understand why. So his tears must needs flow freely and his +throat contracted convulsively with half-choked sobs, and the final +result of it was that he was ordered to bed at once. That ended his last +chance of abstracting a few more thrills from the borrowed treasure. + +Of course, the book was returned the next day. Keith had not yet arrived +at the point where the evasion of a parental decree seemed conceivable. +And to the sorrow of missing the promised enjoyment was added the +humiliation of confessing what had happened at home. To lie about it was +another thing that never occurred to him, and to act without explanation +was quite foreign to his nature. + +A few sad days followed. Then his life resumed its customary tone, and +it was as if the lank, but to him far from ludicrous, shape of Don +Quixote had never crossed his horizon. And soon after Christmas recurred +once more. + +Among the many packages falling to his share, there were two of a shape +that suggested the possibility of more tin soldiers. But when he held +them in his hand, they failed to yield to pressure as would a cardboard +box. Curiosity turned into genuine suspense. And when at last two books +lay in front of him as his own, with the implied permission that he +could read them to his heart's content whenever he chose, a pang of +something like real love for his father shot through his heart. + +Those two little volumes became at once his most priceless possession +and the foundation of his first library. To others they might appear +quite commonplace books, without much value from any point of view. To +him they were passports to a realm of action and freedom and colour, +where he could roam at will in search of everything he missed in real +life. One was bound in white with the picture of an African lion hunt on +the front cover. The other one had a plain brown binding. Both had +coloured illustrations and contained stories of hunting and travelling +adventures in all sorts of out-of-the-way places. There were tales of +lion hunting with Arabs and tiger hunting in the jungles of India, of +whaling in the Arctic and hair-breadth escapes from giant snakes in +South America, of cruises in southern seas and caravaning across the +high plateaus of Central Asia. + +One story in particular stuck in his mind, and more particularly one +little detail out of that story. It was one of comparative repose and +few sensational incidents relating the perfectly peaceful, but +nevertheless strange and interesting experiences of a European traveller +through some desert region back of the Caspian Sea. Arriving at a nomad +camp far away from all civilization, this traveller was met with +touching hospitality. During a formal visit to the chieftain of the +tribe, he was offered tea. With the tea was handed him a bowl containing +a single lump of sugar. In European fashion he picked up this and +dropped it into his cup. Not a word was said, but something told him +that he had committed some dreadful mistake. By and by, as he watched +the others, he understood. Sugar was so rare that to use it in ordinary +fashion was out of question, and so the solitary lump served was meant +to be licked in turn by each, and he, as the guest of honour, had been +given the first chance. To Keith's mind that story seemed as clearly +realized as if he had played a part in it himself. And what occupied him +more than anything else was the pitiful existence of those poor nomads +to whom even such a common thing as sugar was an almost unattainable +luxury. It was his first lesson in human sympathy, and it was typical of +his own existence and bent that it should have come out of a book. + + + +XIV + +From that day one of his main objects in life was to acquire books. He +had little pride as a rule, in spite of all his sensitiveness, and when +books were concerned he had none at all. Having discovered that a friend +of the family, who until then had been regarded with supreme +indifference, held some sort of clerical position in a publishing house, +his devotion to Uncle Lander suddenly became effusive and he begged so +shamelessly and so successfully that at last his father had to +intercede. Out of a half-hour sermon on things that must not be done, +Keith grasped only that, as usual, he could not do what he wanted. Money +was still a mystery to him, and he never suspected that Uncle Lander +would have to pay his employers for every book taken out of the stock. + +The sole check to his passion sprang logically from the very fervor of +that passion: a book being such a precious object to himself, he could +not dream of taking it away from somebody else. As in a flash the true +spirit of his father's objection to borrowed books was revealed to him. +That objection became his own and stuck to him through life: if he liked +a borrowed book, the inescapable duty of returning it was too painful to +be faced, and if he didn't like it, there was no reason for borrowing +it. Books became sacred things to him, to be cherished and protected as +nothing else. The loss of one was a catastrophe. + +Soon he had a small library of his own, kept on a shelf in the huge +wardrobe that stood in the vestibule leading to the parlour. Made up at +first of odds and ends bearing no real relation to his desire for +reading matter, it gradually acquired a certain homogeneity reflecting +the boy's state of mind. Books of travel and adventure continued to +prevail for a long while. Equally favoured were stories dealing with +Norse Mythology and the heroic legends of his race. The grim record of +the Niebelungs was familiar to him at the age of eight, and the first +heroes of his worship were young Siegfried of divine aspect and Dietrich +of Bern, who seemed to the boy the final embodiment of worldly wisdom. +To these should be added Garibaldi, of whose South American campaigns, +so touchingly shared by the faithful Anita, he read graphic accounts in +an odd volume of an illustrated weekly. The word liberty first came to +him from the lips of the picturesque Italian, while Anita and the women +of the old Germanic sagas struck him by their contrast to his mother. + +In the main, all his reading made for escape and compensation. He read +to get away from his own surroundings, and he revelled in characters of +fiction and legend and history that possessed qualities lacking in +himself. By nature he was a queer mixture of rashness and timidity, but +through his mother's anxiety on his behalf the latter quality was +constantly being nursed at the expense of all tendency to action. And +so, in order to keep the balance, he revelled in the imaginary or real +deeds of men whose very life-breath was danger. The more the books gave +him of what he craved, the less he thought of looking for it in life. + +Consequently his new passion seemed a godsend to his mother, who +encouraged him in every possible way. It brought a solution of many +difficulties and worries by keeping him at home and quiet. The only +resistance came, as usual, from the father, who repeatedly counselled +moderation and often made the boy drop his book and turn to something +else--which seemed to Keith the worst of all the tyrannies to which he +found himself exposed. But most of the time the father was powerless +because of his absence from home, and soon Keith learned that his +reading formed the only exception to his mother's general refusal to +permit any circumvention of his father's explicit command. + +It also became plain to Keith that the mother favoured his love for the +books not only as a means of relief to herself. Evidently she held it +admirable in itself and a promise bearing in some mysterious manner on +his future. His mother's approval flattered him, but otherwise her +attitude was a riddle which he did not care to solve as long as it +brought him permission to explore at will this newly discovered world of +perfectly safe enjoyment. In the end, however, that strange reverence +shown by his mother combined with his own increasing ability to live the +cherished life of his dreams at second hand into an influence that more +or less warped his entire outlook on life. It robbed to some extent of +his sense of proportion. + + + +XV + +His father noticed his timidity and seemed to view it with a sense of +humiliation. Once, in the presence of company, he threatened to put him +into skirts "like any other girl." Keith had played too little with +other children to have acquired the usual male consciousness of +superiority, but his father's words cut him to the quick nevertheless, +because he knew them to be meant for an insult. He resolved then and +there to show his mettle in some striking way, and promptly be began to +dream of such ways, but chance being utterly lacking for even a normal +display of boyish daring, it merely served to plunge him more deeply +into the sham life of his books. + +Yet he was not without courage, and it was not physical pain, or the +fear of it, that brought the tears so quickly into flowing. Once, when +returning home with an uncovered bowl full of molasses from the grocery, +he stumbled at the foot of the stairs and fell so his forehead struck +the edge of the lowest step and his scalp was cut open to the width of +nearly an inch. The blood blinded him so that he could barely make his +way upstairs. When he reached the kitchen at last, his mother was scared +almost out of her wits, and her fright was augmented by the manner in +which he sobbed as if his heart were breaking. When at last the flow of +blood was partly stenched and his crying still continued, his mother +tried to tell him that there was no cause to be scared. + +"I am not scared," he sputtered to her surprise. "I didn't know I was +hurt, but ... but ... I spilled all the molasses." + +That night his father gave him a shining new silver coin without telling +him why, and the boy couldn't guess it at the time, though later he +learned the reason from his mother. + +A favourite method employed by the father to test and to develop his +courage was to send him alone after dark on some errand into the cellar +or up into the attic, and the boy went without protest, no matter how +much he might dread the task at heart. Even the servant girls felt +reluctant about visiting the cellar at night, and the occasional +discovery of a drunken man asleep in front of the cellar door made the +danger far from imaginary. + +Going down to the cellar, Keith was permitted to bring a candle along, +but the danger of fire made this out of the question when the attic was +his goal. One night on his way up there, he discovered a white, +fluttering shape by the square opening in the outer wall. He stopped on +the spot, and his heart almost stopped, too--but only for a moment. +Driven by some necessity he could not explain to himself, he picked +himself together and pushed on, only to find that the intimidating +spectre consisted of some white clothing hung for drying on the iron rod +of the shutter and kept moving by a high wind. It was a lesson that went +right home and stuck. + +During that one moment of hesitation, the idea of a ghost tried to take +form in his more or less paralysed consciousness. He had read of ghosts, +and overheard stories told by the servant girls in apparent good faith, +and that whitish, almost luminous thing in front of him, stirring +restlessly with a faint hissing sound, looked and acted the part of a +ghost to perfection. But the idea was rejected before it had taken clear +shape and without any reasoning, instinctively, automatically. His +father always became scornful at the mere mention of ghosts, and that +settled it. + +When it was all over, and he was safe within the kitchen door once more, +he told no one what had happened. He thought that, in spite of his +initial scare, he had acted decidedly well, and he was eager for +approval, but he was kept from telling by an uneasy feeling that his +father would laugh at him if he did. + + + +XVI + +The boy's timidity took quite different forms. One day the whole family +was astir. His parents had in some way obtained tickets to that +evening's performance at the Royal Opera. As the custom of the place was +to permit the holders of two adjoining seats to bring in a child with +them, it was decided after much discussion that Keith might go along. +His mother tried to explain the nature and purpose of a theatrical +performance, but what she said made no impression on the boy, who was +more excited by the thought of accompanying his parents than by what he +might hear or see. + +Their seats were in a box in the third tier. It was like being suspended +halfway between the top and the bottom of a gigantic well. The depth of +that well affected the boy unpleasantly, while the strong light and the +hum of talk confused him. He clung closely to his mother with averted +face. Suddenly the light went out, and he heard his mother whisper: + +"Look now!" + +Glancing up, he found that a new room full of people had appeared where +before was nothing but a flat wall. + +"What became of the wall, mamma," he asked aloud. She hushed him with a +smile, and he heard some one in another box titter. + +"Now keep very quiet and try to follow what happens on the stage," his +mother admonished in another whisper. + +They were giving Auber's "Crown Diamonds." The rich dresses appealed +somewhat to him, but not strongly. The music made no impression on him +whatsoever. The general effect on his mind was one of bewilderment, that +soon lapsed into bored indifference. Then he discovered that most of the +men on the stage were armed, and that some of them acted as if they +might put their weapons into use at any moment. And he, the ardent +participant in all the bloody deeds of Siegfried and Dietrich and +Kriemhild, he, the passionate hunter of big game on five continents, +became so nervous that nothing but fear of his father kept him from +burying his head in his mother's lap in order not to see any more. When, +at last, a shot rang out on the stage, even that fear could no longer +restrain him, and there was nothing for his mother to do but to escort +him out of the box into the corridor. There, under the care of a +friendly doorkeeper who treated him to candy out of a paper bag, he +stayed in perfect contentment until his parents were ready to go home. + +"Oh, we must go again, Carl," he heard his mother cry in a tone of high +exultation. + +"All right, you go," said the father with a yawn, Keith and I don't +care--do we, Keith?" + +"No," Keith replied mechanically, but even as he spoke he became +conscious of a desire to share his mother's enthusiasm rather than his +father's indifference. If they would only promise not to shoot! ... + + + +XVII + +Three years he remained in the school of the Misses Ahlberg. Three times +fall and winter and spring were followed by that painfully delicious +period of almost unbroken daylight, when the very books seemed to lose +some of their magic, when even the air of the old lane became fraught +with some mystic urge, and when life within stone walls turned into an +unbearable burden. + +He rose by degrees from mere spelling to the study of a foreign +language, German. He learned his Catechism by heart--or rather by rote, +for the time-worn phrases dropped from his lips at demand very much as +water runs down a mill sluice, without leaving any trace. In fact, +little of what he learned appeared to touch his real life at all. Nor +could he be made to take it very seriously, although, on the whole, he +was counted a good pupil. + +He used schoolbooks, of course, but he was rarely caught reading one of +them. His mind seemed to master the offered knowledge by some mysterious +process of absorption of which he himself was never aware. Study in the +sense of close and painful application was quite foreign to him. Yet he +seemed capable of mastering anything that aroused his interest--or that +stirred his vanity, for he loved to shine. Unfortunately most of his +schoolmates were dull plodders who had not yet reached a stage where +plodding counted, and so his triumphs came easy and there was nothing to +spur him into serious effort. + +At the end of the third year he had practically exhausted the +possibilities of the little school in the South End, and it was +understood that he would not return in the fall, when he would be nine +years old. But nothing had been decided about what he was to do instead. + +He had not been unhappy with the Misses Ahlberg and his leave-taking +lacked none of the expected emotional colouring. Yet he left without a +pang, without regrets. It was as if he had passed through that school in +his sleep, waking up only when he reached home and his books. He had +made no friends and formed no ties at school, and outside of it he had +never associated with any of his schoolmates. Not one of them left a +mark on his memory as Harald had done. In a place full of girls, his +little heart never was betrayed into a single quickened beat of +anticipation. Nor did he make any new connections outside of the school +during those years. One might almost say that he had ceased to realize +the existence of things or persons except in so far as they administered +to some immediate need within himself. + +Summer came early that year, and with it came a marked change. His +restlessness grew almost morbid, so that his mother found it nearly +impossible to keep him indoors. He was every minute pleading for leave +to play with Johan, and on several occasions when permission had been +granted, he and Johan left the quiet lane to play with strange boys on +the Quay. It drove his mother almost to despair, and she tried one thing +after another to keep him at home. + +She was doing some embroidery at that particular time and the work +seemed to interest the boy a great deal. Sometimes, when he had given up +all hope of getting out, he could stand for many minutes at a time +watching the needle with its tail of brightly coloured yarn pass in and +out through the wide meshes of the fabric. Finally his mother suggested +that he try his hand at it, and he grabbed eagerly at that chance of +diversion. For about three days he was as devoted to his needle as any +girl. By that time he had filled a small square with a sort of design of +his own, and when his father returned home in the evening of the third +day, Keith displayed his achievement with considerable pride. + +"Fine," remarked the father dryly. "Now we know what to do with him if +Uncle Granstedt does not think good him enough for a carpenter. We'll +apprentice him to a tailor. He'll make a good one, I am sure, as it +takes nine tailors to make a man, he need not have as much courage as a +woman even." + +That disposed of the embroidery once for all, but it seemed also to +bring matters to a head. As soon as the father was done with his meal, +the mother made him accompany her into the parlour, and there they +stayed an endless time. When they returned to the living-room, Keith +could see that his mother had been crying, but she was smiling brightly +at that moment, and her voice had a ring of triumph when she said: + +"Papa has something to tell you, Keith." + +"Yes," the father drawled. "Your mother, as usual, has persuaded me to +do what I doubt is right. Because she has pleaded for you, I'll let you +enter the public school in the fall. That will cost money, and I am not +sure it is good for a poor man's son like you, but we'll see. It means +that you will have to do some studying at last, for if you don't--well, +then you'll have to learn a trade." + +As always on such occasions, Keith took his cue from the mother, and her +mien told him that he ought to be pleased. It was a new departure +anyhow, and it implied evidently an advance that would administer to his +rather undernourished sense of self-importance. For anything doing so he +had a passionate craving, and so he was ready to rejoice. + +The new school was still far off, however, and in the meantime there was +close at hand a problem that piqued him annoyingly. Had his father +really meant to make a carpenter or a tailor of him if his mother had +not interceded, or was the talk about it merely an expression of the +father's peculiar unwillingness to admit any sort of tender feeling +toward the son? + +That was not the way Keith put it, in so far as he attempted any +formulation at all, but it was in substance what his momentary +speculations amounted to, and the solution of the problem lay quite +beyond him. He never could make out just what his father meant or +thought or felt in regard to himself. + + + +XVIII + +Then several developments followed each other in quick succession. First +of all his father bought him a season ticket at the public baths in the +North River and made him join a class of small boys for instruction in +the manly art of swimming. The world was opening up, Keith felt, and his +father was lured to the verge of openly expressed satisfaction at +finding that the boy's timidity did not extend to cold water. + +No sooner, however, had he mastered the mechanics of the thing +sufficiently to graduate from the board-walk onto a cork pillow in the +water, than he had to quit because the whole family was "going into the +country" for the summer. To Keith this meant a chance of playing with +other children without having to ask permission every time and rarely +getting it. To his mother it meant a distinct social advance, as no +family staying in town all summer could be held really respectable. + +The "country" was located on one of the numerous islands forming the +outskirts of the city and could be reached by the father after he +finished work by a fifteen-minute ride on one of the innumerable little +steamboats running back and forth like so many busy shuttles across +every sheet of water in the vicinity of Stockholm. Even then it was a +suburb, but the houses were called villas, and there were plenty of +trees between the buildings, and the roads meandering whimsically among +miniature lawns and gardens had no pavements, and the lake came right up +to the door. + +There the father had rented a single room from some acquaintances who +made their home on the island all the year round. The man was a German +who had recently returned to Sweden after serving as a noncommissioned +officer in the Franco-Prussian war--a stocky Bavarian with a tremendous +black beard, a fondness for top-boots and long-stemmed pipes, and a +startling tendency to shout every communication in the form of a +command. He was a good-natured soul nevertheless, in spite of his +appearance, his occasional bursts of temper, and his exaggerated regard +for discipline, and he was full of stories about real fighting that +differed puzzlingly from what Keith had read about such matters. Uncle +Laube had a pet phrase that stuck in the boy's mind and exercised a +corroding influence on some of his most cherished sentiments: + +"A man must be able to fight, but it is black hell when he has to." + +There were three children in the family--a boy two or three years older +than Keith, a girl of his own age and a baby sister. The boy was named +Adolph and the elder girl Marie. All three of them, but especially the +boy, were being brought up in strict Teutonic fashion, which made a sort +of super-religion out of obedience. At the mere sound of his father's +voice, Adolph trembled and stiffened up like a recruit under training. +Once the two boys and Marie strayed beyond bounds to a place where some +timber rafts were tied up along the shore. Adolph led the way onto the +rafts and the two others followed. It was great fun jumping from log to +log where two rafts met, until Marie suddenly slipped into the water and +began to sink like a stone. Quick as a flash Adolph dropped on his knees +on a log that was partly under water, grabbed the girl by her hair and +pulled her out. On their return home, Adolph was licked until he could +not stand on his feet for leading the smaller children into mischief. +Then he got a crown for the pluck shown in saving his sister's life. + +This even balancing of justice made a deep impression on Keith. He +thought and thought of it, and his reason, which already was very +active, appreciated the logic of such a dispensation, but his heart +rebelled strangely and turned for a while to his own father as a paragon +of mildness, while the black-bearded Uncle Laube became an object of +repulsion bordering on hatred. Fortunately the disciplinarian was away +most of the day and Keith was running wild around the island. This was +not possible without some protests from his mother, who regarded all +water outside of a tub with deep distrust. He nevertheless maintained an +unusual degree of independence until one day, while playing in one of +the rowboats lying outside a small pier near their house, he, too, fell +in and was pulled out by Adolph. + +The children were alone at the time. Keith had no consciousness of +having been in danger, but he was in a funk because of his wet clothing. +Instead of going home at once, he ran to an open spot at the other end +of the island and played in the sun to get dry. After a while his mother +appeared, disturbed by his long absence. There was nothing to do but to +respond to her call, although he did so most reluctantly, his clothing +still being damp. His slow movements aroused her suspicion, and in +another moment the awful truth was out. + +"You might have drowned," his mother cried, too frightened to scold. "Or +you might have caught cold and died of that. Perhaps ... you had better +come home at once." + +"No," protested Keith. "Adolph was there, and it hasn't been cold at +all." + +"But think, Keith," his mother remonstrated, her eyes dim with tears, +"you wouldn't care to die and leave me?" + +"I don't want to leave you," the boy said, "and I was not going to." + +She took his head between her two hands and looked long into his eyes +before she asked at last: + +"Are you not scared of death?" + +"I don't know," he stammered, wincing slightly under her stare. He could +not grasp what she was driving at. Death carried no clear meaning to +him. It had never touched his real inner life, and he never thought of +it. No matter how frightened he became, it never occurred to him that he +might cease to exist. Even his dreams had no colouring of that kind. + +In spite of his mother's anxiety, he learned to swim that summer. He +liked it and did it rather well for his age. But he never ventured very +far out. Rebel as he might against the check on his movements, his +mother's attitude had left a lasting mark on him, and avoiding needless +risks seemed a natural thing to him. As a result of this inhibition, all +his outdoor playing lacked that complete abandon which is the soul of +it. He been made an indoor child beyond retrieve. + + + +XIX + +Being so much in the open air and moving about as a child should, his +nights during that summer passed mostly without dreams of any kind, and +also without other disturbances worth speaking of. He was too healthily +tired for anything but sleep. + +The winter nights, following days spent largely indoors with little +company and less exercise, were quite different. Then the passing from +wakefulness to sleep took him through a dangerous twilight period, when +games of the kind learned behind the big rock seemed not only natural, +but the most enticing thing in the world. And the more he was thrown +back on his own resources, the more tempting those games became. They +represented, besides, something that was entirely his own, with which no +one else could interfere. It was a secret that would have been the +sweeter for being shared with some one else, he felt, but Johan's +peculiar attitude in this matter had filled him with a shyness not his +own by nature. + +Then, with the sleep, came also the dreams. At first they were, or +seemed to be, mere plays of fancy--shadowy repetitions of daylight +experiences in clownish distortion. Then they began to change. An +element of unrest, and finally of dread, began to fill them. This did +not happen, however, until the same elements had found a place in his +waking life, and particularly not until the hours of that twilight +period had developed into a source of increasingly acute conflict. + +Nothing palpable had happened. Nothing had been said openly to convince +him that his secret was known and that it was evil. Yet the air about +him seemed full of suspicion and suspense and menace. The mere way in +which his mother looked at him at times filled his soul with sinister +misgivings. And she was always talking about temptations and dangers +that walk in the dark. Or else she dropped mysterious warnings about the +duty of keeping one's soul and body clean and pure. + +It was all very disturbing, and he should have liked to ask questions, +but always some imperious force within himself kept him back. He felt +that his sweet secret would never bear open discussion, but the more +desperately he clung to it, the more his mind was poisoned with doubts +out of which soon grew fears. + +Thus began the new dream life. + +He was as a rule the only living being in those dreams. Everything else +consisted of lifeless things, and mostly of spaces and dimensions rather +than of objects. The dominant characteristic was an increase of size +proportional to the increase of distance from himself. He found himself, +for instance, in the midst of a vast space laid out in squares. Where he +stood at the centre, those squares were just large enough to hold him. +Then, as his glance passed outward, the squares became larger and +larger, until at last their dimensions became gigantic. Soon they began +to move toward him, growing smaller as they approached, and yet filling +his soul with a horror based entirely on the monstrous size of those +squares that were still miles away. Or he walked down a corridor built +of stones that, as it opened out in front of him, expanded indefinitely +until it assumed proportions that filled him with a sickening sense of +his own smallness. As he moved forward, the corridor automatically +contracted, but always the horror of those immeasurable vastnesses still +ahead of him continued dominant and inevitable. At other times sums of +figures came moving toward him from every direction, and the farther +away from him they were, the more enormous they grew, until his mind no +longer could take them in, and his heart quaked at the thought that +sooner or later one of them would reach him in its original +awe-inspiring immensity. + +He tried once to tell his mother about those dreams, but found it +impossible to express what he wished to describe. Not long afterwards he +was aroused in the middle of the night by his mother calling him by +name. Her voice betrayed worry. + +"What's the matter, Keith," she asked when at last he woke up +sufficiently to answer her call. "Were you dreaming?" + +"I don't know," replied the boy, and at that moment he didn't know. + +"I thought first you were crying," explained the mother, "and then I +heard that you were counting something." + +"He was probably repeating his multiplication table," muttered the +father. "I wish he would learn his lessons in the daytime, so that we +could sleep in peace at night." + +The next morning Keith had forgotten all about it but his mother +reminded him of what had happened during the night in order to find out +whether he had any bad dreams. Keith shook his head. Then a thought +flashed through his mind. + +"Do I often talk in my sleep," he asked. + +"Hardly ever," said his mother. "But the other night you read the Lord's +Prayer from beginning to end, and I wish you would read it as nicely +when are saying your prayers before going to sleep." + +"He is studying too much," Granny put in from the kitchen. "His nose is +always buried in a book. That's the whole trouble, I tell you." + +"No, mamma, I don't think reading does him any harm," said Keith's +mother, and for some reason Keith felt relieved by the diversion. + + + +XX + +Even Keith could not escape a feeling about this time of having arrived +at some sort of station or landmark on his road through life. + +He was frightfully self-centred. He seemed to be thinking about nothing +but himself. In reality, however, he was not reflecting at all on the +character and probable course of his life. It was all a matter of +feeling and what concerned him was merely the comforts or discomforts, +pleasures or pains, exhilarations or boredoms of the passing moment. The +future was a word that, at the most, implied things that might happen a +few days after tomorrow. The convinced visioning of events a year or +more distant was still utterly beyond him. And the past seemed to vanish +with the setting sun of the day just ended. + +Yet he was dimly aware of facing a transition that, somehow, must make a +great change in his entire life. Something that he could not define was +drawing to an end, and something else, equally indefinable, was about to +begin. The "school for small children" which he had left, and the +"school for boys" into which he would soon enter, were the symbols used +by his mind to express the passing out of one phase of life into +another, but as such they suggested the actual change without revealing +it. And there were moments when Keith's vague efforts to look ahead were +accompanied by a sense of crushing dread, while at other times they +might fill him with a never before tasted fervor of existence. + +He was near the completion of his ninth year. It seemed quite an age, +but this appearance was contradicted by troublesome facts. He was very +small for his age and hopelessly tied to the apron strings of his mother +in spite of all his father's efforts to pry him loose. The reason for +this failure was that his father lacked the time or the capacity for +winning the boy's whole-hearted attention and affection. + +The one thing the father seemed to care for on his return home was to be +left alone with his own preoccupations, and these did not include the +boy. He could not unbend. He could not subordinate his own momentary +desire or disinclination to an interest essentially foreign to his own +self. In other words, he was just as self-centred as Keith, and just as +unreflecting on the whole. Both lived completely in the present, and +both wished to escape from it. The only difference between them was that +while Keith sought his escape in space, so to speak, by means of his +books, the father's only road of escape led him into a past of which the +boy formed no part. + +Either through some fault of his own nature, or through the restrictive +policy of his parents, Keith at nine had formed no real attachments +outside of his immediate surroundings, and no life of his own that was +not enclosed by the walls of his childhood home. This state of affairs +tended always to throw him back on the mother as his most satisfactory +source of inspiration and the magnetic pole of his emotional compass. +And she on her part left no effort untried that could help to fasten his +affections more closely to her. + +Unconsciously but increasingly she worked to cut the boy off from all +the rest of the world in order that she might have him the more +exclusively to herself. She expressed openly the wish that he might be a +girl, because girls in those days were so much less likely to escape the +parental protection. + +The boy was pleased by her attempts at monopolization. There was +something flattering and softly reassuring about her passionate pleas +for the uppermost place in his heart. And yet he rebelled with +increasing violence against the closeness of her clutch on him. He +seemed to choke at times, and a blind hatred rose within him without +ever revealing itself as in any way related to his mother. One of the +dominant emotions of this and the following period of his life was one +of intense impatience that seemed to be directed toward no particular +object. Once in a great while he turned toward his father with an +expectation of relief, but this expectation was always foiled, and so he +was plunged back again and again into an inner life of his own that fed +almost exclusively on books and had little or nothing in common with the +reality to which the new school was supposed to form a gateway. + + + +PART III + + + +I + +The new school was located in another part of the South End, separated +only by the churchyard from the old church of St. Mary Magdalene. It was +a state institution demanding an entrance fee, which, although quite +reasonable, yet sufficed to keep out the children of mere wage earners. +It was a school for the offspring of the "better classes" and good +enough for all but the most select who must needs turn to certain +private institutions of still greater exclusiveness for instruction. + +Its official title was St. Mary's Elementary School and it had only five +grades or classes, as they were called, being supplemented by a +"gymnasium," from which the pupils passed on to the university. No boy +was admitted under nine, but there seemed to be no limit at the other +end, for at the time of Keith's entrance the upper grades still held a +few youngsters with well developed moustaches who, from the viewpoint of +Keith's own peach-skinned diminutiveness, looked like veritable +patriarchs. Stories were afloat about their actually being addressed as +"mister" by the teachers. + +Admission was conditioned by examinations held in the school itself, and +thither Keith was escorted by his mother one late August day. All +novelties stimulated him, and to his inexperience the rather dingy old +school seemed enormously impressive. The mere fact that it occupied a +whole building all by itself was enough. In addition, however, it had +an assembly hall large enough to hold several hundred boys, and there +were numerous rooms capable of holding thirty or forty boys. Every pupil +had a seat and a small desk of his own. Seeing these desks, with +inkstands sunk into their tops, and special grooves for the penholders, +and lids that could be raised, Keith knew that he must pass the +examinations or die from a broken heart. + +The officiating teachers were stern but not unkind. Keith was nervous +from eagerness, but neither frightened nor embarrassed. The questions +asked were ridiculously easy, he thought. When his turn came, he +answered triumphantly, as if he had been playing a game in which he was +quite skilled. Finding him willing and well prepared, the examiners felt +themselves challenged and pressed him more and more. Still he held his +own. It ended with a sense of triumph on his part, but nothing was said +about his having passed. + +The wait that followed until all the boys had been questioned was the +only difficult part of the ordeal. Waiting patiently was not a strong +point with Keith. Finally his mother appeared to take him home, and the +moment he looked at her he knew. She was in such high spirits that she +had to try a joke. + +"Too bad you couldn't pass," she said in a voice she vainly tried to +make sad. + +He knew it was a joke, and yet his heart leaped into his throat and his +eyes filled with tears. Then she had to console him, and to do so, she +let out the whole story. The teachers had told her that he knew enough +to go right into the third grade, but on account of his age they had +advised her not to let him start above the second grade. It was a whole +year saved, but that was not what she was thinking of. Her son had +distinguished himself by giving proof of a brightness that had aroused +unusual attention among the teachers. Her pride in this fact was such +that Keith really began to think that a new life was about to begin +for him. + +And that night, when his father came home, the whole story had to be +told over again with new details, and Keith had the pleasure of seeing +an expression of undisguised satisfaction on his father's face. It did +not last very long, but it was sweet to watch while it lasted. Then the +father resumed his usual manner of stern indifference as he turned +to the boy: + +"That's all very well, Keith, but it means also that they will expect +more of you than of the other boys, and so you have to study harder than +ever in order to make good with them." + +Keith didn't care. It had been a wonderful day, he felt. He had had his +first taste of public approval, and he had noticed the effect of it on +his father and mother. As for the need of studying--that was easy. And +he didn't have to begin his studies at once anyhow. + + + +II + +After the opening of the term, it took Keith only a day or two to +realize that, literally, he had entered a new world, quite different, in +spirit as well as in appearance, from anything previously experienced. + +The first shock came as soon as he had taken his place in the class and +the first lesson had begun. He was no longer Keith. Christian names were +not at all in use. Everybody was addressed by his family name both by +the teachers and by his fellow pupils. Keith had become Wellander, and +the first time he heard himself called by that name he blushed as deeply +as if his most intimate privacy had suddenly been violated. In a few +hours, however, the unfamiliarity of the name as a standing appellation +had worn off, and then the pride of the thing sent a pleasant glow +through his whole body, making him for a brief, dizzy moment glimpse the +glory of manhood. + +His next discovery went far deeper. He had attended school four years in +succession, but only as you drop into a strange room on a visit. He had +never belonged in or to the school, and the school had neither limited +nor extended his individuality. Now he found himself completely taken +possession of and made a part of something larger than himself, a +carefully correlated and guarded system of ranks and rules and +traditions. In retrospect the former school seemed as accidental and +fleeting as a street crowd, while the new one was an institution with a +jealously preserved and deeply revered history to which each new pupil +was expected to add more lustre. But most remarkable of all seemed the +fact that this collective body added something to the stature of every +boy that became a part of it. + +Membership was as onerous as it was honourable, not only within the +school precints but anywhere. To belong to "Old Mary" was to carry a +sacred duty along wherever one went. She was like an ambitious parent, +never jealous of the reputation of her children. Mostly it was a +question of refraining from this or that thing which less conspicuously +placed boys might venture at will, but at times it might imply the +performance of fierce deeds of bravery in the face of overwhelming odds. +There was the rival school of St. Catherine and several "popular" +schools that had no social standing whatsoever, but contained pupils +with harder fists and less generous ideas of fighting than any boy +within Old Mary. When certain words of derision were flung upon the air +by members of those inferior institutions, there was nothing left for a +pupil of St. Mary's but to fight. + +Little by little these strange facts penetrated Keith's subconsciousness +and set up a never ending conflict between pride and precaution, between +his wish to rise to a new ideal and his instinctive tendency to obey his +mother's almost hysterical injunctions against fighting of any kind. +Fortunately his road to and from school permitted him to follow the +principal streets where the traffic was sufficient to act as a check on +combative youngsters, and an additional protection was derived from his +small size which caused the hostile elements to overlook his existence +unless he appeared in the company of more developed schoolmates. And as +he mostly walked alone, his comings and goings were uneventful as a +rule. But that did not prevent him from imagining dangers and to suffer +from them almost as much as if they had been real. There were times when +he could not help thinking of himself as a coward. + +Such estimates of himself were not wholly checked by an incident that +occurred within the school precincts early in the first term. There was +another boy in the same class named Bauer, who seemed the living +counterpart of Keith--just as undersized and lonely and nervous. From +the first there was a hostile tension between those two, and soon it +came to open war. It broke out in a pause between two lessons when +practically all the boys were gathered in the schoolyard. Before Keith +quite knew what had happened, he found himself fighting Bauer. First +they used their fists and then they wrestled. The rest of the boys +formed a ring about them and egged them on. + +They were well matched in their common weaknesses and both developed a +certain courage during the stress of conflict. The difference between +them was that Bauer apparently wanted to lick Keith, while the latter +thought of nothing but to defend himself. The idea of inflicting pain on +another human being was so foreign to Keith that it never took tangible +form in his mind. The result was that Bauer's greater aggressiveness +carried the day, and soon Keith found himself prone on his back with a +triumphant Bauer straddling his chest. + +At that moment both boys became guilty of serious breaches against +time-honoured school etiquette. Bauer struck the defenceless Keith +square in the face with his clenched fist, and Keith burst into tears. +Quick as a flash one of the older boys grabbed Bauer by the scruff of +his neck and hurled him halfway across the yard, while another one +plucked Keith from the ground and shoved him toward the stairway with a +contemptuous: + +"The classroom for cry-babies." + +The humiliation felt by Keith was so intense that he wondered whether he +could stay in the school. Nothing but the thought of his father kept +him from returning home. But the cloud had a silver lining. Though no +one else knew, he knew that he had started crying from rage, and not +from fear. And this fact in connection with his realization of not +having had any thought of running away during the fight made him +hesitate in his final judgment upon himself. But he felt quite sure that +fighting was not his chosen field. The effect on his nerves was +too damaging. + + + +III. + +In the lower three grades, a single teacher with the title of Class +Principal had complete charge of the morals, manners and instruction of +the children in his grade. Keith had the luck of falling into the hands +of one of the kindest and shrewdest men in the school--a man who seemed +to understand that his mission was to guide rather than to drive, and +who, in addition to his broad, human sympathy, possessed a genuine sense +of humour. + +His name was Lector Dahlström, but everybody spoke of him as Dally, and +little did he care. He was large of body and large of mind, with a most +impressive girth and a voice that commanded attention without grating on +supersensitive nerves. He had very rarely to assert his authority, but +if ever the need arose, no one remained long in doubt as to who was the +master, and a recurrence of the offense was unheard of. Even on such +occasions he never used corporal punishment, although at that time the +right of such administration still remained with him. He simply appealed +to the self-respect and the sense of fairness in his pupils, asking no +one to render what lay beyond his capacity. The main secret of his hold +on the boys, however, lay in his ability to keep them interested, and to +do so he frequently broke away from the text books and time-worn +pedagogical methods. If there was anything he deposed, it was learning +things by rote. + +The boys sat in rows of four and were placed with regard to scholarship +and behaviour, so that the best pupils were farthest away from the +teacher and the least reliable ones right in front of him. Keith found +himself number two in the class, and that position at first tickled his +pride considerably. Later, as the term went by, and boys now and then +were shifted up or down, he began to wonder why he always remained +number two. It was reassuring in a way, as showing that he held his own, +but he failed to see why another boy should always remain _primus_, +although his performances during lessons did not surpass those of Keith. +Once he dared even give utterance to some such speculation in his +father's hearing, but was promptly put down with a stern: + +"If the teacher puts another boy above you, he has probably some very +good reason for doing so, and you had better feel thankful for being +where you are in the class." + +"Humph," said his mother. "You forget, Carl, that the father of that boy +is one of the richest bankers in the city." + +This was a way of looking at it which had never occurred to Keith. He +was pretty contented, on the whole, and like all the rest, he placed the +most implicit trust in the teacher's justice. From the very start, he +had a feeling that Dally kept a special eye on him, and yet he was +rarely spoken to except when questions were passed around. Even then the +teacher was rather apt to leave Keith alone to such an extent that the +boy now and then began to think himself disliked. Always, however, when +he got to this point, some little incident would occur that restored his +faith both in himself and in the teacher. + +There could be no doubt that he knew his lessons as well as any one in +the class, if not better, and he shone still more when Dally appealed to +the natural intelligence of the boys by straying far away from the +beaten and dusty path of the text books. Whenever he had stirred them by +some excursion of this kind and began to ask questions in order to find +out how far they had followed him, Keith's right hand was sure to shoot +excitedly upwards in order to get him the coveted chance of answering. +And it seemed as if he could answer almost every question asked except a +few that went so far beyond the bounds laid down for the class that the +teacher deemed it fair to warn them that inability to answer would be no +shame. That was the kind of questions Dally generally reserved for +Keith, and when Keith couldn't answer, it didn't console him very much +that no one else could. Once, when his hand went up as usual and, to his +astonishment, he obtained the permission to answer, Keith, to his still +greater astonishment, suddenly discovered that he had no answer to give. + +"I thought so," said Dally with a broad grin on his good-humoured face. +"Do you know what a fuzzy-wuzz is, Wellander?" + +Keith shook his head, his face crimson with chagrin and humiliation as +the whole class burst into anticipatory laughter. + +"That's a chap who wants to do all of it all the time," explained Dally. + +Keith did not quite see the point, but he kept his right arm a little +more in check for a while after that, until one day the lesson was +forgotten and history repeated itself. + +"Now Keith is fuzzy-wuzzying again," said Dally, and Keith thought he +would sink through the floor. His mind was quite made up never to ask +permission to answer another question again, but that same afternoon, +during the lesson in Swedish history, Dally dropped all questioning and +asked Keith to explain to the class the main factors leading up to the +Wars of Reformation--which Keith spent twenty minutes in doing while all +the rest of the class had to sit still listening to him. + + + +IV + +Keith could not remain isolated to the same extent as in the earlier +schools. Inevitable community sprang from similarity of sex and age +alone. In the same direction worked the system of teaching which called +for the united attention of the entire class during every moment of the +lesson. It was impossible to form a part of the class without being in +contact with all its other members. The boy who read aloud or answered a +question became subjected to the criticism or admiration of all the +rest. Rivalry in any field of study was just as likely to arise between +two boys at different ends of the room as between those sitting side by +side. The spirit of Dally tended to assist this fusion of personalities +in every way, and the boy who kept apart was sure sooner or later to run +foul of his good-humoured but well-aimed sallies. His attitude implied +no tyranny, and he strove for no deadening conformity. On the contrary, +he always spoke of a strongly marked individuality as the object of all +education, but he tried to develop it by fearless contact with others +rather than by jealous withdrawal. + +Keith for the first time found himself part of a society, and he liked +it because the teacher's insistence on scholarly achievement as the only +standard of comparison gave him a chance to hold his own among a group +of boys, most of whom counted themselves his superiors in every other +respect. He was small and poor, of humble origin, without influential +connections, without worldly advantages of any kind, but when mind was +pitched against mind, he felt second to none--except in mathematics, +where he could compete neither with Davidson, the Jewish banker's son +who was _primus_, or with that gawky, cumbersome Anderson whose dullness +in every other respect always kept him near the bottom of the class. For +this reason Keith differed from most of the others by liking school +better during the lessons than at any other time. + +There were games in the schoolyard during the pauses, and some of these +were played in large groups or by teams. This occurred particularly when +echoes from some war abroad caused the whole school to divide into rival +armies for the staging of regular battles, as during his second year, +when all had to be Turks or Russians. But Keith didn't like battles +except in books, and mostly the pauses broke up the class communities +into small coteries or pairs. And the moment this happened, Keith found +himself outside. He belonged to no special group. His appearance in the +yard raised no delighted hails. He had no chum of his very own with whom +to exchange secrets or lay plans for common adventures. And but for +Dally, he would probably have spent most of his free time in the +classroom. + +It was worse when the big pause came at eleven and every one went home +for lunch, or when three o'clock brought school to a close for the day. +Going to school alone was an experience shared by all, but on leaving +it, the hurrying horde of youngsters, exuberant with freedom as so many +colts, broke into little groups of two or three that had homes in the +same neighbourhood. Now and then Keith would join a couple of other boys +headed for the old City like himself, and they would not refuse his +company, but there always was something between him and them that +precluded real fellowship, and so he trudged his way homeward, alone +most of the time. Then he was also sure of reaching home in the shortest +possible time, so that his mother had no chance to become worried +over him. + +It happen now and then that a larger group was formed for some unusual +exploit and that Keith became part of it by chance rather than choice. +Once he accompanied such a group to that part of the harbour where +tall-masted fullriggers with foreign flags lay nose by stern in unbroken +line along the quay. Strange odours, fragrant or repulsive, filled the +air. Jolly, loud-voiced men toiled mightily or lounged like monarchs +among piles of casks and bags and boxes. For once Keith lost his usual +timidity under such circumstances and threw himself whole-heartedly into +anything the gang suggested. He even ventured to climb the mast of a +ship as far as the foretop. When at last reluctantly he turned homeward, +he felt like a hero, but when he caught sight of the tear-stained, +fretted face of his mother, he knew at once that even such exaltation +was not worth the price to be paid for it. + +Unfortunately he had made himself popular that afternoon, and the next +time a gang formed for a similar purpose, he was asked to join. But he +shook his head, and being foolishly truthful by nature, he blurted out +an embarrassed: + +"My mother won't let me." + +The answer was passed along. It was repeated in school the next day. +Keith heard echoes of it for weeks. And it added a good deal to the +invisible wall that seemed to rise about him wherever he went. + +Yet he was not unhappy. There was in his nature a wonderful resiliency +that never let his spirits drop beyond a certain point, and that always +brought them back to highwater mark at the slightest encouragement. + + + +V + +He had discovered the school library. It was to him a marvellous +treasure trove. Any book could be taken home, one at a time, after being +registered with the teacher acting as librarian for the day. Nor were +the books handed out to you arbitrarily. You browsed all by yourself, +and picked and picked, and calculated, and went back on your choice a +dozen times, until at last you struck a book so fascinating in its +promises that all hesitation disappeared. + +The father started to object, but was silenced by the explanation that +the school authorities wanted the boys to borrow books from the library. +That settled it, for discipline came first and even pleasure must be +allowed if required by discipline. Had Keith been less honest or more +imaginative in what may be called practical matters, his father's regard +for authority might have offered more than one chance at liberties now +denied, but this possibility never occurred to him, and so the library +remained his one avenue of escape. + +The books he chose puzzled and almost shocked the rotatory guardians of +his sanctum. Once he picked an enormous volume on Greek mythology, full +of pictures and translated passages from Homer and the dramatists. + +"You don't want that, Wellander," the teacher said, eying him +curiously, when Keith presented the book for registration. + +"Yes, I do," replied Keith stoutly, but his heart began to quake at the +thought that the cherished volume was going to be denied him. + +"Do you mean to say that you intend to read it through?" the teacher +persisted. + +"Yes, I will," said Keith. + +There was a long pause during which the teacher seemed to weigh the book +in his hand as if wondering whether its very weight would be too much +for the undersized little chap in front of him. + +"All right," he said at last, "but I suppose that means you will have +reading for the rest of this season." + +Keith looked at the book more hopefully, and with hope came courage. + +"I'll read it in three weeks," he said. + +So he did, too, and when he turned in the book, the same teacher +happened to be on duty, recognized him, and began to ask questions. When +Keith had proved that the whole Olympian hierarchy was duly installed in +his acquisitive brain, the teacher said with an amused but +friendly smile: + +"I think we shall let you have anything you want hereafter. What is it +to be this time--philosophy?" + +"No, I want another book of exploration," answered Keith, thawing under +the smile. "And I want a real good one." + +That was his favourite subject, and the book he chose was Speke's +"Discovery of the Source of the Nile." Once launched on that memorable +journey, he had no thought left for any explorations of his own. + + + +VI + +During the fall and spring terms of that first year Keith had no sense +of time. Days and weeks and months rolled by so smoothly that their +passing was unnoticed. It is a question whether at any other period of +his life--with one possible exception--he was more completely interested +and, for that reason, satisfied. + +One day he observed casually that the old trees in the churchyard +sported tiny green leaves under a deliciously blue but still rather cold +sky. A few days more, and he heard that commencement was at hand. + +It was a time of great excitement in school. Who would pass and who +would not? Falling through might mean another year in the same class, +but beyond all doubt it meant a summer spent at work instead of playing. +It was worse than a disgrace. It was a menace to liberty at the time of +the year when liberty meant most. + +Being second in the class, it never occurred to Keith that he might fail +of promotion to a higher grade, but at that end there were possible +prizes to consider. The class was full of gossip and speculation. Boys +who had hardly spoken to each other before broke into heated discussions +or formed belated friendships. In one way and another the fever infected +Keith and spread from him to his parents, though his father as usual +feigned complete indifference. From his mother he learned long before +the startling fact was meant to reach his ears, that his father had +actually asked a day off at the bank in order to attend the exercises. +This news increased Keith's fear by several degrees. He had no idea what +might happen, and it would be unthinkably dreadful to have the father +present if anything went wrong. But on the other hand, if ... well, what +was there to happen anyhow? + +On the morning of the great day, a host of parents and relatives and +other interested spectators crowded into the big assembly hall where +places were reserved for them in the rear and along the walls. In the +meantime the pupils gathered in their respective class-rooms, and from +there they marched by twos to the hall, the lowest grade leading. Every +boy was in his best clothes, and every one showed his nervousness in his +own peculiar way. Keith laughed hysterically a few times before they +started, and then he turned into an automaton that breathed and moved +and heard and saw only as part of a gigantic machine. His own +individuality seemed to melt and become a mere drop in the all-exclusive +individuality of the school. + +This mood lasted through the early part of the exercises, the prayer +read by the _primus_ of the senior class, the hymn singing, the Rector's +speech, and so on. Everything came to him as out of a mist, and he was +not even sufficiently conscious of himself to look around for a glimpse +of his parents. When the distribution of exercises began, the whole +atmosphere changed. Until then it had been collective and impersonal. +Now it became intensely personal. Every one wanted to hear. Necks were +craned, whispered questions asked. It was as if a sudden breeze had +stirred waters which until then had been still as the mirroring surface +of a forest pool. Keith's mood changed with the rest, and he grew +painfully conscious of himself and his surroundings. + +Starting with the lowest grade, the Rector read out the names of the +prize winners, the character of the prizes, and sometimes the reasons +why they were bestowed. At the mention of each name, a boy rose from his +seat, squirmed past his closely packed comrades, marched up the centre +aisle to the platform, bowed awkwardly to the Rector, grabbed the prize, +bowed still more awkwardly if possible, and marched back to his seat +with a face that burned or blanched, grinned or glowed, according to +temperament. + +The second grade was soon reached. Most of the prizes consisted of +books. Davidson, _primus_, got two gilt-edged volumes of poetry. Keith +caught a glimpse of them and experienced a twinge of envy. His heart was +beating so that he thought he could hear it. His eyes clung to the +Rector's mouth, and when the next name was read, he half rose. Then he +sank back, and around him an ominous stillness seemed to reign. + +The name was that of Runge, _tertius_, who got some historical work. +Then _quartus_, Blomberg, who was a passionate botanist, received a +valuable text book on his favourite subject. Still the rector went on, +and Keith felt sure that his name had been passed over by some mistake, +and that now it would come. + +"A German lexicon for special attention to the student of that +language," the Rector droned on. + +Again Keith started to rise from his seat, but even as he did so, it +flashed through his mind that he was given no more attention to German +than to other studies. + +"... to Otto Krass of the Second Grade," the Rector completed his +sentence, holding out a book. + +As Keith sank back on the bench, Krass, _quintus_, rose with an +expression on his face as if he had become personally involved in a +particularly incredible miracle. + +A whisper ran through the rest of the class. Glances were cast at Keith, +who felt them like so many lashes on bare skin although in every other +respect he had once more become utterly unconscious of what happened +about him. + +By slow degrees he recovered so far that he could try to think, but the +process was unendurable. There could be no accident. It was a deliberate +slight aimed at him for some specific reason. He tried to think of the +past year and its happenings in and out of school, but this effort +produced no solution to the riddle. + +Suddenly he bethought himself of his speculations concerning his place +in the class. It seemed that he had been deeply envious of Davidson all +that year. With a quick turn of the head he surveyed for a moment the +haughty expression and narrowly drawn postures of the boy beside him. +There was a trace of a sneer on that face, and again Keith's heart was +flooded with resentment. But this mood changed abruptly into +contriteness. Perhaps he was being punished by some one, by God--he +hesitated at that thought--for grudging his schoolmate the place and the +honours that he probably had deserved. Keith was the meanest of +the mean.... + +Krass was back in his seat showing his book. He showed it to Keith also, +but with a palpable embarrassment that touched the latter as an +additional blow. Keith tried to say that it was nice, but his lips were +too dry and stiff to produce a sound. + +The Rector was still reading off names. To save himself from his own +thoughts, Keith tried to listen. Soon he noticed that, without fail, the +prizes went in unbroken sequence to the first four or five pupils in +every grade. And suddenly he wondered whether his father and mother had +noticed. What would they say? What could _he_ say? + +Then he remembered his mother's remark on hearing about his place in the +class, and he wondered if it could be possible.... But the parents of +Krass had neither wealth nor position. That much he knew. + +The Rector's voice and manner became more and more impressive, and the +prizes more and more valuable, as he passed higher and higher, until at +last the senior class was reached--the boys who were now graduating into +the _gymnasium_. They were his own pupils, and for each of the prize +winners from the two branches of that class he had a word of special +praise and good-will. + +A restless stirring passed through the assembly as the boy expected to +be the last recipient of special honours made his way to the platform +and everybody prepared to rise for the singing of a closing hymn. + +Still the old Rector, with his smooth-shaven and deeply furrowed Roman +face, remained standing, and once more an expectant hush fell upon +pupils and spectators. Apparently he intended, contrary to custom, to +follow up the main ceremony of the day with some important announcement. + +"One more prize remains to be distributed," he resumed with more than +usual deliberation. "We do not have the pleasure of bestowing it +regularly, because its conditions are unusual. It was the will of the +donor that it should be given to that pupil who, regardless of grade and +age, during the previous year had shown the relatively greatest +aptitude, industry, and actual advance in knowledge. This year the +prize, which consists of one hundred crowns in gold and is the largest +at the disposal of our school, is to be distributed, and the pupil found +worthy of this exceptional honour is...." + +Every eye was on the Rector as he paused dramatically. Every one in the +hall listened breathlessly to catch the favoured name. Keith listened +like the rest, a little enviously perhaps, but without serious +attention, for it had just occurred to him for the tenth time that the +situation would have been so much less unbearable if only his father had +stayed away. + +"... this pupil is Keith Wellander of the Second Grade," the Rector +concluded. + +A murmur swept the hall, and Keith felt himself the centre of many eyes. +The murmur grew as the winner failed to appear, but Keith could not move +a limb. Dumbly and unbelievingly he stared at the Rector and the group +of teachers seated around him on the platform. + +"Come forward, Wellander," the Rector said in a friendly voice as if he +could well understand the overwhelming effect of such distinction. At +the same time Keith noticed Lector Dahlström rising partly from his seat +on the platform as if to see whether anything might be the matter. + +Had the ceiling opened and an angel appeared in a fiery chariot to call +him heavenward, the boy could not have been more startled. It was as if +a terrific blow had paralyzed all his senses. His classmates had to push +him forward. He never knew how he reached the platform, where the Rector +was waiting for him with a small package ready for delivery. Keith felt +the weight of that package in his own hand and the gentle touch of the +Rector's hand on his head. Words were uttered that he did not catch, and +the room became filled with the noise of boisterous applause. + +He bowed mechanically and turned to walk back to his seat, and as he did +so, he noticed a white handkerchief waving at him from the rear of the +hall. Behind the handkerchief he caught a glimpse of his mother's face, +and a thought shot through his head: + +"Papa is here and has heard all this!" + +Then he relapsed into a state of utter oblivion of the surrounding +world. The thing was too tremendous to be felt even. Automatically he +moved out of the hall and back to the classroom with the rest. Dally was +saying things to him, but he could not grasp a word. Now and then he +became vaguely conscious of awed glances cast at him by the other boys. +Some of them spoke to him, and in some strange way he managed to realize +that Davidson was not among these. + +At last he woke into full consciousness on the street, where he found +himself walking homeward by his father's hand. The pressure of that hand +seemed unusually soft and pleasant. The mother was talking eagerly and +wiping her eyes between little happy bursts of laughter. The father +listened for a long while in silence. + +"Yes," he said at last, "it is not a bad beginning--if he can keep it +up." + +Keith felt for a moment as if he were walking on air, and he knew that +he would keep it up--that after such a day nothing could prevent him +from keeping it up. Then a bewildering thought appeared out of nowhere +and began to buzz in his tired and over-excited brain. + +"If I have done all that the Rector said," this thought demanded of him, +"why in the world has Dally kept me sitting below Davidson who got +nothing but books?" + + + +VII + +Keith next day was permitted to have a good look at the five +twenty-crown pieces found in the package handed to him by the Rector. +Their weight and brightness made them delightful to handle, but they +were not "toys for children" his father remarked, and with that remark +they passed out of sight for ever. Once or twice he put timid questions +to his mother, who never answered directly, but reminded him of all the +money his father had spent and was spending on him for food and clothes +and schooling and all sorts of things. Keith almost wished that he had +received some nice books instead, or anything that could make him feel +that he really had got a big glorious reward for something he really had +done. Now the achievement seemed as illusive as the reward. + +He tried to reason the case out with himself, and the conclusion at +which he arrived was that his father probably was entitled and +certainly welcome to the money, but that as he, Keith, had earned it and +owned it, something should be said to him about the use of it. And as so +often was the case, it became a question of abstract justice. The value +and possibilities of the money lay beyond his grasp, but the ethics of +its disposal, from his simple childish point of view, seemed too clear +for serious discussion. Once or twice he stole a look at his savings +bank book, which his mother kept among her own papers, but no new entry +appeared on its meagre credit side. By and by he almost lost sight of +the whole incident, engrossed as he was with the experiences of the +current hour, but the memory of it recurred fitfully, and in moments of +dissatisfaction it tended to assume the shape of a grievance, if not a +charge, against the father. From this tendency he fled instinctively to +an idea of money as not worth bothering about. And that idea also helped +when the atmosphere of worry about money matters surrounding his mother +became too intense and depressive. + +There was comparatively little of it that summer. His mother was in +better health and spirits than he had seen her for a long time, and she +was as happy as Keith when the father announced that they would have a +summer place of their own on one of the islands in Lake Maelaren, +somewhat farther out than the one where Uncle Laube lived. It was too +far away to have become absorbed by the rapidly growing city, and yet +too close at hand to be quite desirable as a summer location for the +more prosperous. The island was of sufficient size to hold a couple of +real farms in the centre, while the shore line was occupied by +occasional villas. Halfway between these two mutually foreign regions, +on a sharp slope that still remained largely uncleared, stood a little +red house with just two rooms in it. One of these was occupied by the +old couple that owned the house. The other one had been rented to the +Wellanders for the summer, and in that one room the mother, the +grandmother and Keith established themselves, with the father appearing +as a regular week-end guest. + +Taking it all in all, it was the freest, and in many ways the happiest +summer of Keith's childhood. He was permitted to roam around pretty much +as he pleased, and there were several other small boys to play with, +none of them enterprising enough to arouse the distrust of Keith's +mother. They were all city boys however, as foreign to nature as Keith, +and there was no older person on hand to give their excursions and games +a constructive twist without turning them into lessons. There was plenty +of wild life about, and it helped in many ways to give them a better +time, but that was as near as they got to it. Exactly the same thing +happened during subsequent summers, and so the boy always looked upon +flowers and trees and birds and insects as delightful but puzzling +representatives of a world of which he did not know the language. + +It was good fun, however, and temporarily it took Keith farther away +from himself and from his cherished books than he had been since his +first discovery of the latter. The boys proved decent, wholesome +company, more bent on discharging their surplus energy than on doing +mischief. Much of their time was spent in or near the water, so that +Keith developed into a pretty good swimmer for his age, though always of +the cautious type. And between games they would discuss the world from +a boy's point of view. There was particularly one boy of the same age as +Keith with whom he had talks of a kind quite new to him. Oscar's parents +were still very young, and he spoke of them more as chums than as +masters. And he spoke of them with a sort of restrained enthusiasm that +set Keith thinking very hard. He loved his parents, especially his +mother, and admired them, especially his father at certain times, but he +was not conscious of any feeling about them corresponding to the one +displayed by Oscar, whose father, after all, was nothing but a captain +on one of the small steam sloops running between the city and some of +the surrounding islands. + +Oscar was especially eloquent when he spoke of the love his parents had +for each other. He gave examples that seemed exaggerated to Keith, but +nevertheless impressed him. In return Keith boasted similarly of his own +parents, and he meant every word he said, but always what he had to tell +fell short of the pictures drawn by Oscar. + +"You don't understand," cried Oscar one day when again they were +debating this fascinating topic all by themselves. "It's all right for +your mother to kiss your father when he leaves and when he returns, and +to be looking for him all the time. But that's not enough. That's not +the way my parents love each other. And I don't think your father cares +so very much for your mother. But my father is so much in love with my +mother that he would like to eat what she has chewed!" + +"No--o!" protested Keith, rather appalled by the illustration used, and +yet feeling as if he had beheld some undiscovered country. There was a +pause during which he stared incredulously at Oscar. + +"I mean just what I said," insisted Oscar a little more quietly after a +while. "Anything that has to do with my mother is sweet to my father, I +tell you. And that is love. If you don't know it, you don't know what +love is either." + +"But why," demanded Keith, his mind still so full of the disturbing +image called forth by Oscar that his jaws moved uneasily as if he had +taken into his mouth something unpalatable. + +"Because," Oscar hesitated ... "because it is that way." + +Keith left shortly afterwards to think it over in solitude. It was +probably the first time the word love had been presented to him as +anything but a commonplace term for laudable but commonplace feelings. +He puzzled over it, but to little purpose, and for some reason he +thought it useless or unwise to ask his mother for information. + + + +VIII + +The third grade proved merely a continuation of the second. Little had +changed over summer. A few boys had been dropped behind and a few others +overtaken. That affected the bottom of the class, but not the top. Dally +remained their principal, and when he welcomed them back at the opening +of the fall term, Keith waited excitedly for the distribution of +places. Few changes were made however. Davidson remained _primus_ as +before, with Keith next. Then came Runge and Blomberg as before. For a +day or two Keith swung violently between fits of rebellion and deep +depression. It seemed almost incredible that he could have received the +highest prize bestowed on any pupil in the school. + +Then the routine of instruction and study seized him. New text-books +were acquired, not without some grumbling on his father's part. New +interests were stirring and, as usual, cleverly nursed by Dally. Above +all, the magnetic power of the teacher asserted itself once more, until +Keith felt that the only thing really worth while in life was to +please him. + +Algebra was one of the new subjects, and the use of letters instead of +figures amused Keith for a while. But it took no serious hold on his +mind. The whole field of mathematics left him strangely uninterested +although he was good at arithmetic. He thought the problems of Euclid +stupid. Once he had learned how to prove a theorem, it seemed so +ridiculously self-evident that he wondered why anybody should bother his +brain about it. There were other boys who could figure out the +demonstrations in advance without looking at the book. Keith tried it +once or twice, but failed miserably and gave it up as a worthless and +thankless job. Apparently his brain did not work in that way. It had to +touch real life to be at its best. History and geography were his +favourite subjects, and in those he led the class. This was openly +admitted by Dally himself. + +Literature was another new subject. They read and analysed and +criticized classical Swedish poetry--Tegnér and Runeberg and Geijer. +Most of the poems chosen for the purpose were historical and took their +themes from the old viking days or from the glorious centuries of +Gustavus Adolphus and Charles XII, when Sweden so nearly rose to be a +great power. Keith liked to take certain sonorous passages into his +mouth. There was a satisfying fullness and richness about them that +seemed somehow to enhance his own feeling of self-importance. Their +rhythm also pleased him and became a sort of substitute for the singing +of which he was incapable. Chiefly, however, it was the stories told by +the poems that interested him, and on the whole he did not think much of +poetry. But this opinion he never dared to put into words. To do so in +the face of Dally's clearly manifested reverence would have been like +openly confessing a particularly degrading form of inferiority. + +Nor did it seem to matter so very much what he studied. The main thing +always remained what Dally said and did in his efforts to bring out +something within the self of each boy for which only he seemed to have +an eye. Keith at times felt as if he would give anything to know what +Dally expected of him in particular. He felt sure that it must be +something wonderful, and he had odd moments of almost being on the verge +of grasping it, but in the end it always eluded him, and no sooner was +he out of Dally's presence than the whole thing seemed very unreal +and foolish. + + + +IX + +Young Davidson had a bent toward sarcasm that sometimes lured him out of +his usual cold aloofness. In one of these rare communicative moments he +said of little Loth that he crossed the equator at least once a week and +didn't mind. He referred to the fact that Loth was more frequently moved +than any other pupil but always managed to retain a place near the +centre. And no matter what fate might bring him of ups or downs, Loth +always retained a perfect composure. Yet he was small and nervous and +highstrung like Keith and Bauer. One day Keith asked him how he could +stand being shoved about like that. + +"Because my father says I am going into business anyhow," answered Loth, +"and I don't know whether I hate business or books most." + +"What would you like to do," asked Keith looking puzzled. + +"Draw," said Loth vaguely, "and play the piano, and go to the theatre, +and--yes, and read poetry books that don't teach you anything." + +This view of life was so new to Keith that he really tried to become +acquainted with Loth in order to learn more about it. His own +indifference to anything but books promised small success, but in the +end a tie was found in their common love of tin soldiers. So he was +admitted to Loth's particular circle and was even invited to Loth's +home for a birthday party--the first and last of its kind that he +attended during his five years at Old Mary. Before permitted to go, he +was warned that the servant girl would come for him at nine. No amount +of pleading helped to ameliorate that condition. + +Loth's father was a prosperous storekeeper on West Long Street and lived +in a spacious and richly furnished apartment above the store. It was a +home like that revealed to Keith through his shortlived friendship with +Harald. The impression on Keith, however, was quite different because of +his own growth since that first year at school. And the actions of the +eight or ten boys who were the other guests impressed him still more. +They wore gloves when they arrived. They showed neither forwardness nor +timidity, but greeted each other and their host with grown-up dignity +and formality. They seemed to know what to do at every moment, and how +to do it. Keith was accustomed to decent manners. Social intercourse in +the parental circle was not without grace, but this was something +different. At the time he was utterly incapable of telling where the +difference lay, and years afterward he realized what subtle shadings it +depended on. The main thing at the time was that something in himself +responded instinctively to the higher degree of polish and +self-assurance which he now for the first time was able to observe at +close quarters. + +The principal entertainment of the evening was a monster battle with tin +soldiers on the cleared floor of the huge dining-room. The battle was at +its height and supper was not yet in sight, when Keith learned that the +girl was waiting for him. There was nothing to do but to obey, but the +hostess could not think of letting him go without having eaten. A +special service was prepared for him in the kindest way possible, and +Keith enjoyed very much the many dainties offered him. Nevertheless he +felt the situation as humiliating and was actually glad when he got away +at last. But the gladness was only a surface gloss on a burning core of +regrets and dissatisfaction. + +In a way that evening, which was never repeated, proved a new starting +point in his life. He had had his first close contact with life on a +higher social level, and he could not forget it. New standards had been +furnished him, and unconsciously he was applying them all the time to +all sorts of things--his parents included. Until then he had blindly +accepted them and their ways and their environment as representing the +best this world had to offer. Now the basis had been laid for doubts +that gradually developed into positive criticism. + +The immediate result seemed quite irrelevant. He developed a sudden +objection to running errands for his mother, and especially to doing +anything that involved the carrying of bags or bottles or baskets +through the streets. Packages looking as if they might contain books +remained unobjectional. There was a time when being sent to the grocery +store was a privilege and a distinction. Later it became an opportunity +for clandestine meetings with Johan. Even during his first year at Old +Mary he continued to perform such tasks without any thought of what +others might think of them. He must have heard things, however, and +inner resistances must have developed, which were now brought into +sudden appearance by the inner echoes of Loth's birthday party. + +He did not dare to breathe a word about his new state of mind in his +father's presence. And it was long before he gathered courage to voice +it openly before his mother. But he used all the arguments and evasions +and tricks he could muster to escape what had become a dreaded ordeal. +It developed into a test of will and strength between Keith and his +mother--the first of its kind, and the forerunner of numerous others +still more deep-reaching. After a while the father discovered or learned +what was going on, but, contrary to custom, that was not enough to +settle the matter. In this case, neither argument nor threats had any +effect on Keith. He avoided open conflict with his father for good and +sufficient reason, and he did what could not be escaped, but he did it +in a spirit of passionate rebellion that introduced a new element of +division and strife the home. Both parents seemed instinctively to +interpret the boy's changed attitude as a reflection on themselves, and +they resented it keenly, but to no avail. While pretending to insist on +full obedience as before, they gave way in reality by making the servant +girl do the errands in place of Keith. + +"One of these days I suppose we shall not be good enough for you any +longer," said his mother bitterly one day while the contest was +still on. + +"Why, mamma," cried Keith, disturbed by the emotional appeal back of her +words, "what has that to do with my not wanting to be laughed at by +other boys?" + +"I almost wish I hadn't persuaded your father to send you to the public +school," the mother rejoined. + + + +X + +The school year was drawing to its close again Dally's tone grew less +bantering. On several occasions he delivered little impromptu sermons on +the seriousness of life and the difficulties of living. One afternoon +about two weeks before commencement he told them to close their books. + +"I want each one of you to tell me what you expect to become in life, or +what kind of a career your parents have chosen for you." + +A stir of excitement swept over the class. + +Then Dally went on to explain why he wished to know. The first three +grades were divided into A and B classes, but that had nothing to do +with the teaching, which was the same in both classes. The fourth and +fifth grades, on the other hand, were divided into a "Latin" and an +"English" branch, with quite different curricula. Boys headed for the +various professions ought to choose the former branch, while the second +one led to more practical pursuits. + +"You are going to be an officer, I understand." Dally said, turning to +_primus_. + +"Yes, sir," the young Jew answered with a self-importance that even +Keith could not miss. "My father wants me to try for the General Staff, +and so I have to specialize on mathematics." + +"Humph," was Dally's only audible comment as he made a note, but he +looked as if he had tasted something unpleasant. + +"And you, Wellander," asked the teacher. + +"I am going to be an explorer," replied Keith without moment's +hesitation, and the whole class broke into a roar of laughter with Dally +joining them. + +Keith, as usual, blushed a deep crimson, but did not move. + +"That's neither a trade nor a profession," said Dally after a while, +still smiling. "I fear you are fuzzy-wuzzying again, Wellander. What do +you mean by an explorer?" + +"One who explores rivers and deserts and unknown countries and such +things," said Keith brazenly. + +"And you really mean that you are going in for that sort of thing?" + +"I do," Keith insisted, while the whole class watched him in a hush that +might easily turn either into derision or into approval. + +"There isn't much exploring left to be done," Dally mused, looking +intently at the small boy at the other end of the room. "Most of the +globe is mapped already." + +"There is a lot left in Africa," Keith retorted eagerly. + +"And what does your father say about it," was Dally's next question. + +There was a long pause broken only by some gigglings by the +irrepressibles down at the bottom of the class. + +"I have not asked him," Keith admitted at last. "But I am going to be an +explorer just the same." + +"In these days that means you have to become a scientist," Dally +remarked in a changed tone. "It is your only chance, and so I advise +you to choose Latin. It is what I think a boy with your head should +take anyhow." + +"All right, Sir," assented Keith, flattered by the last part of Dally's +remark and utterly ignorant of what his choice implied. + +That evening he told his father that he had been asked whether he wanted +to enter the Latin or the English branch of the fourth grade, and that +he had chosen the former. + +"Why," asked his father. + +"Because Dally says I ought to," replied Keith. + +"Well, he ought to know," said the father. + +But when Keith appeared in the schoolyard during one of the pauses next +day, he was met from every side by the cry: + +"There's the explorer! There's the explorer!" + +The younger boys jeered openly at him. The older ones pretended to ask +him serious questions about his plans. For days he was the laughing +stock of the whole school, and even on his way to and from school he was +pursued by jibes and taunts. Through it all Keith stuck quietly to his +guns, without a sign of retraction or evasion. And in the end his +seriousness conquered. But from that day he was known to the entire +school as "the explorer," and he heard that term more often than his +own name. + + + +XI + +It was the afternoon of the last day before commencement. The atmosphere +in the class was solemn and more than a little wistful. + +"It is our last hour together," said Dally when all were back in their +seats after the pause. "History is on the schedule, but--schedules are +not made for moments like these. Let us just have a friendly talk." + +He did practically all the talking, and he talked to them more as an +older boy, a chum with somewhat wider experience, than as a teacher and +class principal. It made them feel their own importance rather heavily, +but still more it made them conscious of an irreparable loss. They knew +that school would not be the same in the fall, when Dally no longer was +with them. In accordance with established custom, he would go back to +the first grade and start piloting a new generation up to the point +where they had just arrived. + +The class would break up, too. Some would have to stay behind. One or +two had gone as far as they could and would make a premature transfer +from school to life. Others were bound for other schools or other +cities. The rest would split in two and join with the corresponding +parts of the parallel section to form two entirely new classes. It gave +them a foretaste of what it would mean to graduate into the _gymnasium_, +and from there into the university. And it filled their hearts with +wistful pride. + +The last hour was drawing to a close and everybody was talking at once, +when Dally unexpectedly asked them to give him their full attention once +more for few minutes. + +"An act of justice remains to be performed," he said. "There is a boy +among you who has not received all that he had justly deserved. It was +withheld from him by me for his own welfare. The time has now come when +he and you should know all about it." + +As he paused for a moment, the boys looked around at each other with +something like consternation. Their curiosity was intense. He spoke with +a tensity of feeling they had hardly ever noticed in him before, and not +one of them had an inkling of what he was driving at. + +"It means that some of you have received more than they deserved," he +resumed. "That also should be known--for the good of all. It is a +reflection on no one but myself, however, and I think you know me well +enough by this time to be sure that I have been moved by no other +consideration than the future good of the one most nearly concerned." + +Again he stopped, the class waiting breathlessly for him to go on. At +that moment Keith became aware that the teacher's gaze rested firmly on +him with an expression that sent the blood in a hot stream to his face. + +"Wellander," Dally began again, and in spite of the beating of his own +heart, Keith noticed that the teacher's voice trembled a little as he +spoke. "Will you do me the favour of rising a moment? You are the boy I +have in mind." + +Keith rose like an automaton. His eyes clung to the lips of the +teacher, and he seemed to expect from those lips some utterance that +must make his whole future life different. As often happened in moments +of intensified emotion, he became strangely oblivious of all the little +eddies and cross-currents of thoughts and feelings that made up his +ordinary, every-day consciousness of himself. + +"For two years I have kept you number two in the class," Dally said, +speaking in an easier tone as if to lighten the strain on everybody. +"You should have been number one. Davidson, whom I placed above you has +at no time been your superior in anything but self-control. But it was +just your--what I have sometimes called your fuzzy-wuzziness, that made +me afraid of placing you where you rightly belonged, at the head of the +class. It is my belief that you have in you greater gifts than any other +boy in this class, but I am not yet sure of what you will do with them. +It was my eagerness to see you make full use of them that made me poke +fun at you and keep you out of the place that rightfully was yours. +Perhaps I did wrong, but my meaning was right. I shall always watch you +closely, and I hope you will try your best not to disappoint me. Will +you promise that?" + +"I will," gasped Keith. + +The clock had already struck three. The moment Dally stopped, the class +broke up, but only to gather about Keith--every one of them except +Davidson, who slipped out of the room with a face white as chalk. Keith +caught a glimpse of that face, and a sense of reckless elation shot +through him. + +He sped as never before on his way home. It was still impossible for +him to think the matter through. First he must tell his parents and hear +what they had to say about it. + +On hearing what had happened, his mother hugged and kissed him, her face +all smiles while big tears dripped down her cheeks. Then the father came +home and was told everything. His mother looked serious by that time, +and Keith noticed a wavering expression in her voice. + +"Your teacher evidently knows you," was the father's first remark to +Keith, but by his tone the boy knew that he was pleased. Then he +hesitated, and after a while he said as if speaking to himself: "But if +Keith really had earned the first place...." + +"That's what I have been thinking," the mother broke in with blazing +eyes. "Do you remember what I said about that boy Davidson? He was the +richest boy in the class, and Lector Dahlström simply did not dare to +put Keith above him. Now he is trying to make up for it when it's +too late." + +"Perhaps," said the father thoughtfully. "The sum of it is what I have +always said: the coin that was made for a farthing will never be +a dollar." + +"But Keith was not made for a farthing," the mother retorted sharply and +indignantly. "That is the main point of what his teacher confessed in +school this very day." + +"Well, if not," said the father wearily, "it is up to him to prove it." + +And Keith, too, all of a sudden felt very, very tired. + + + +XII + +Keith was one of the first to enter the class room on the morning of +Commencement Day. He was still standing near the door when Davidson +appeared and evidently meant to walk past him without a greeting. + +"Say, Davidson," Keith cried impulsively, holding out his hand, "I don't +mind!" + +"Well, what do you think I care," the other boy asked icily as he turned +on his heel and walked out of the room again without taking the +proffered hand. + +It was the first time that Keith felt the sting of real hatred. He could +never have acted like that--not even toward one who had wronged him +seriously. What galled him most was that he had been made to look as if +he were apologizing. Then a sense of triumph returned little by little, +but it was not very vivid, and what he missed utterly was the fact that +no other situation could have been quite so hard on Davidson's pride as +the one in which Dally had placed him. A realization of that fact came +only years afterwards. + +Then Dally himself arrived, and soon the commencement exercises were in +full progress, Keith feeling quite superior to any curiosity or +excitement. Again he received a prize, and again it was in the form of +money, but a smaller sum not accompanied by any special encomiums. He +walked home very quietly with his parents, and they had not much to +say either. + +Had Keith known what an anti-climax was, he would undoubtedly have used +that word to describe the experiences of his second Commencement Day +at Old Mary. + + + +XIII + +The summer was spent quietly on the same island where he had been so +happy a year before. Oscar was not there. Other boys took his place, but +no real intimacy sprang up between them and Keith. They certainly did +not talk of love, and what they knew of sex took Keith back to the days +spent around the big rock. He had a good time on the whole, but more and +more a sense of missing something fretted him, and he could not tell +what it was. For emotional outlet he was wholly dependent on his mother, +and though he seemed as devoted to her as ever, he had queer spells of +wishing to get away from her. The father was more in the background than +ever during the summer. Once in a while he would show up on a weekday +evening very tired, and leave again with the first morning boat. During +the week-end he wanted above all to rest, and Keith was partly happy and +partly unhappy at being left alone. + +Once only during that summer did his father appear under circumstances +that impressed themselves on the boy's memory. It was the day of the +annual regatta of the Yacht Club. When the races were over, the yachts +were towed back to the city by a large steamer, escorted by a whole +flotilla of every kind of craft loaded with sightseers. It was the gala +evening of the season. As the tender twilight of the August night +descended on the smooth waters of the Lake Maelaren, every villa along +the shores became brightly illuminated, while the progress of the fleet +was marked by incessant bursts of fireworks. + +The Wellanders had a splendid view from the little platform on which +their cottage stood. Some friends had been invited for the day, and the +father had brought with him from the city a package of fireworks. But +instead of wasting money on sky-rockets or other expensive pieces, he +had concentrated almost wholly on blue and red lights, which he placed +among the trees and over the plateau and set off in batches, first one +colour and then the other. Because the place was so high up, apart from +the rest, and so heavily wooded, the effect was probably very pretty +from the water. Anyhow a burst of applause was heard from the +passing flotilla. + +"That's for us," said Keith's father, "and not for those rich people +down by the shore." + +As usual when very much pleased, he laughed while speaking so that it +was hard to hear what he said. But Keith heard, and a glow of pride +swelled his chest. It was the crowning climax of a scene that touched +the boy with a sense of joy bordering on pain. "Beautiful" was a word +used repeatedly by the grown-up people about him. He knew now that +beauty was something that turned ordinary life into a pleasure more +keen than could be had out of eating, or playing, or reading, or +getting presents at Christmas even. To this wonderful thing his father +had added a personal triumph in which the whole family participated. It +silenced incipient criticism for a long time. + +Nevertheless there was another side to that self-satisfied remark of his +father, and it also stuck in his memory. Back of the proud words lay +envy and deference, and a suggestion of hopeless separation. In Keith's +mind it became tied up with his memories from Loth's party, and all of +it formed a complex of thought from which he tried his best to get +away--and most of the time successfully. + + + +XIV + +For lack of sufficient accommodations in the over-crowded old building, +one class had to use the assembly hall. To make the many disadvantages +more palatable, this location was presented as an honour reserved for +the class shepherded by the old Rector himself. Of this "honour" Keith +became a participant when the fall term opened. + +There were no desks--only benches without backs. The rest of the school +left with a sense of relief after using them only during the fifteen +minutes of morning prayer. To sit on them hours at a stretch turned the +day into torture before it was half done. The only way of resting was to +bend far forward with humped back, and no sooner did the Rector +discover a boy in that position than he descended on the sinner: + +"Straight in the back, boy! What do you think you are--an old hag +sorting rags?" + +No attempt was made to arrange the boys according to merit. On the first +day every one chose a seat to suit himself, and so Keith found himself +number five without knowing how it had happened. Number four was a boy +of his own size and age named George Murray, who seemed to be as +friendless as was Keith. + +Instead of one teacher, they had a dozen at least, few of whom gave +instruction in more than a single subject. It smacked of university and +made the boys feel much advanced. The curriculum showed an imposing +array of new subjects--Latin, French, universal history, physics, +chemistry, and so on. Their novelty caught and carried Keith for a +good while. + +Latin was still the most important study of all. It was taught by the +Rector himself, who worshipped everything classic with a religious +devotion and who maintained in so many words that a man's culture was +measured by his mastery of the Roman tongue. In the lower grades it had +been spoken of with bated breath. Keith had looked forward to the first +lesson with trembling impatience. He plunged into the declination of +_mensa_ with the fervour of a convert. He translated the text-book's +_colomba est timida_ with a sense of performing a sacred rite. Days went +by before he dared to admit to himself that his interest was waning, + +Even then he went on studying without a thought of rebellion. The habit +of application had become deeply rooted. The pride born out of his first +easy successes still had urged him to master any subject offered. But +there was a change in his manner of studying as well as in his general +attitude toward the school. Until then he had been an acolyte in sacred +precincts. Now he turned gradually into a time-server doing his duty out +of vanity and a desire to remain a public school pupil. Until then he +had never felt that he had to study. Now fear of the old Rector and of +his father entered more and more as conscious motives. + +He missed the kind guidance of Dally. The Rector never became the soul +and guardian of the class in the manner of Dally. The other teachers +came and went without other interest than to insure a decent showing in +their respective subjects. All had favourites chosen from those pupils +who showed most aptitude for mathematics, natural history or whatever it +happened to be. No one was interested in the class as a whole, and no +one cared for its individual members as human beings in the make. Within +a short time Keith was simply drifting, although neither he nor those +appointed to guide him were aware of it at the time. + + + +XV + +Keith took a liking to George Murray from the start. During the first +couple of days he looked at him frequently as if to invite acquaintance, +but the other boy always appeared deeply attentive to the subject of the +hour. During the pauses he withdrew into a corner as if to forestall +possible advances. At the end of the second day Keith and Murray +reached the stairway simultaneously and started for the street side by +side. Murray's pale, aristocratic and very narrow face with unduly +prominent teeth still bore a look of indifference, but his attitude had +lost a little of its previous stiffness. + +"Where do you live," Keith ventured with for him rare forwardness. + +"On the Quay," replied Murray in a voice that neither encouraged nor +discouraged. + +"Where," asked Keith eagerly. + +"Corner of St. John's Lane." + +"That's my corner," cried Keith. "I live in the lane, and we have the +same way home." + +"All right," was Murray's only answer, which Keith accepted in the +affirmative. + +Little more was said until they reached the top of the hill above Carl +Johan Square, when Keith explained that he always kept to the left along +the shore of Lake Maelaren. + +"I always take the other way," rejoined Murray, suiting his actions to +his words. + +"All right," said Keith in his turn, going along toward the saltwater +side of the harbour as if it had been the route of his own choice. They +stopped for a moment to watch the sloops in the fish market loaded +almost to the point of foundering with live fish. Further out a number +of large sailing vessels rode at anchor. Still further away, where the +southern shore drew close to the point of the island with the turreted +red fort, a big black steamer was seen slowly creeping toward its +landing place at the Quay. For a moment Murray studied it intently, +shading his eyes in sailor fashion to see better. + +"That's one of our steamers," he said at last. + +"Do you mean you own it," gasped Keith incredulously. + +"The company does," explained Murray. + +"Which company?" + +"The one of which my father is managing director." + +"Are there many of them," Keith asked to be polite. It sounded too much +like a fairy tale. + +"Seven," replied Murray casually. "They are all painted black and sail +on foreign ports." + +"Did you ever travel on one," inquired Keith with something like awe in +his voice. + +"Yes," said the slim youngster by his side as if it had been the most +natural thing in the world. "Many times, as far as the pilot station, +with papa. And last summer he took me along on a real journey to +England. That's where our family comes from, and we were gone three +whole weeks." + +"Were you scared," Keith asked almost in a whisper. + +"No." Murray shook his head with quick assurance. "That is, not much. We +had a storm in the North Sea coming back, but papa said it was nothing +to be afraid of, and for a while I was too sick to care." + +"Sick!" Keith echoed. "And were you not awfully scared?" + +"No," Murray insisted, looking rather pleased. "Not much." + +Keith was too overwhelmed to ask more questions just then. The rest of +the way home was traversed in silence. At the corner of the lane they +parted with a mutual nod. Then Keith bolted up the lane and up the three +nights of stairs. Entering the kitchen breathlessly, he yelled out with +his cap still on his head: "I walked home with Murray who lives at the +corner and whose papa owns seven ships and who sits next to me in +the class." + +"Little boys should be civil," suggested Granny with a glance at the +cap. "And they should also remember that equals make the best playmates, +and that all is not gold that glistens." + +"Oh, he's my equal," Keith declared triumphantly. + +"With plenty to spare," retorted Granny. "But are you his?" + +It made Keith walk home alone the next day, and as he shuffled along +listlessly, the almost obliterated memory of Harald came back to him. + + + +XVI + +The attraction had been established, however--on one side at least--and +it would not let itself be smothered. Nor did Keith make any strong +effort in that direction. It was not his way. He found it as hard to +abstain from what gave him pleasure for the moment as to bear whatever +seemed unpleasant or painful. + +Murray made no approaches of any kind, but he did not resist. His +acceptance of Keith's friendship was purely passive, and there was +always a limit to it. At first they simply walked home together from +school. Of course, they sat side by side during the lessons, but Murray +gave his whole attention to the teacher or to his book. If Keith tried +to whisper to him, Murray merely frowned at him. During the pauses they +were often together, chatting or playing, but it could also happen that +Murray chose to mix with some group of fellow pupils in such a manner +that Keith could not get near to him. Sometimes Keith would then also +join them. More often he would hover on the outskirts in a state of +utter misery. + +Even when the school closed for the day, it depended entirely on Keith +if they were to have company home. Murray never waited. If Keith was not +in sight when he reached the street, he went right on. Several times +Keith had to run several blocks to overtake his friend. + +"Why couldn't you wait a minute for me," he asked when he had recovered +his breath after one of those pursuits. + +"Oh, that's so silly," was Murray's only reply, and a repetition of the +question on two or three subsequent occasions brought no more +satisfactory response. Keith did not press the matter beyond that point +and uttered no protest at Murray's real or assumed indifference. + +Until then Keith had always taken East Long Street on his way to school +in the morning. Now he turned invariably down the lane to the Quay. On +reaching the corner, he took a long look at the corner house where +Murray lived. Two mornings he saw no one and walked on. The third +morning Murray happened to appear just as Keith reached the corner. +After that Keith waited for his friend, and they walked together to as +well as from school. Having waited very long one morning and fearing +that his friend had passed already, Keith ventured into the house, when +he caught sight of Murray coming out of a door reached by a little spur +of the main stairway. + +"Is that where you live," asked Keith. + +"That's the kitchen door," said Murray. "Our main entrance is in front +on the landing above. It's quicker for me to get out this way in the +morning, and I don't have to disturb anybody." + +A few mornings later, Murray was late again, and Keith after long +hesitation walked up to the kitchen door and knocked. A pleasant-faced +serving girl opened. + +"Oh, you are the little fellow who waits for George every morning," she +said with a smile. "Come in and wait here. He'll be ready in a moment." + +After that Keith went straight up to the kitchen every morning. It was a +room as large as a hall, shiningly clean, and well furnished as a dining +and living-room for the three women serving there. Keith became quite +familiar with it, but he always remained by the door, and he always felt +that he ought not to be there. Yet he could no more resist going there +than he could stop breathing, it seemed. + +That kitchen was the only part of Murray's home he ever saw. He never +caught a glimpse even of his friend's mother, who evidently was a very +exclusive lady. Two or three times he saw Murray on the street after +school hours in company with a tall, portly and handsome gentleman, whom +he took to be the father. Later his guess was confirmed, but Murray +never showed any inclination to let his parents become aware of Keith's +existence. + +For a long while this did not matter to Keith. In fact, he was not +aware of anything but his own devotion. Murray's willingness to accept +it only when nothing else was in sight did not bother him. He had found +some one to worship at last, and he gave himself to that feeling with an +abandon that knew of no reserves and that asked no questions. He looked +up to the other boy as, in ages long gone by, a faithful vassal used to +look up to his liege lord. And it seemed only meet that such a superior +being as Murray should bestow or withhold his favour in accordance with +his own sweet pleasure. + + + +XVII + +Keith had just parted from his chum at the corner of the lane one +afternoon, when he caught sight of Johan near the big back door of the +house opposite the one where Murray lived. + +"What are you doing," he said without much enthusiasm. + +Johan beckoned mysteriously and would not say a word until he had got +Keith into the shadow of the huge gateway leading to the paved yard in +the rear of the house. + +"Can't you come on," he cried impatiently at last "I don't want mumsey +to see me." + +When both were hidden from the kitchen window through which Fru +Gustafsson used to keep a religiously preoccupied eye on the doings of +her son, Johan pulled a cigarette from within his coat sleeve and a +match from his pocket. Then he scratched the match on the seat of his +pants and lit the cigarette with the air of a man who knows what is +bliss. Keith watched him with feelings too confused for expression. + +"What would your mamma say if she saw you," he asked at last, +instinctively dropping his voice to a whisper. + +"She'd tell popsey," Johan rejoined promptly, "and I'd get another +licking. But it's worth it." + +There was a long pause during which Keith watched his old playmate's +unmistakable enjoyment with a mixture of consternation and admiration, +of envy and resentment. + +"I have got another," said Johan after a while. "Try it." + +Keith shook his head. He was on the verge of saying that "mamma won't +let me," but checked himself in time as he recalled the results of an +earlier use of that too truthful explanation. + +"Murray wouldn't smoke," he ventured after another pause. + +"Him up there, you mean," inquired Johan with a gesture of his thumb +toward the house across the lane, Of course, he wouldn't. He's a miss." + +"He is not," Keith cried passionately. + +"And he's a stiff, too," Johan went on without any particular display of +feeling. "And you're a fool, that's all." + +There was a coolness between them. + +"I think mamma is waiting for me," remarked Keith as he started to walk +off. + +"Of course she is waiting for her baby," Johan retorted with a leer. + +Keith stopped and thought. Murray would fight for a thing like that, he +said to himself. Or would he? Without having reached a decision Keith +made for his own house, trying to look as if Johan didn't exist. + +"He has no real use for you, and you'll find it out," was Johan's +parting shot. + +Keith was suddenly struck with the coarseness of Johan's manners and +speech. He was making comparisons in his mind, and as a result the image +of Murray seemed more resplendent than ever. + + + +XVIII + +"Did you ever try to smoke," he asked Murray next morning. + +"No," was the disdainful reply. "I know papa wouldn't like it, and it's +nasty anyhow." + +"How do you know," wondered Keith. + +"Because I know," rejoined Murray. It was a way he had, and it always +settled the matter. A cold, tired look would appear on his face if Keith +tried to press a subject after such an answer, and before that look +Keith quailed. + +His state was hopeless. He accepted as law whatever his friend said or +did. And although their friendship, such as it was, lasted only two +years, Keith did not take up smoking until he was in camp as a +conscript at the age of twenty. + +In school it was the same. And the fact that Murray attended to his +studies with scrupulous exactness was probably one of the factors that +helped Keith through the grade without any loss of standing as +a scholar. + +Like Loth, Murray had mildly artistic leanings, and because he liked to +draw and to sing, Keith, too, had to join in those studies, although +both were elective, and although the singing classes twice a week +consumed one of the two precious lunch hours that otherwise could be +used so profitably for play or study. Keith had neither aptitude nor +interest for draftsmanship, being curiously set toward the written word. +He would have liked to sing well, as he had noticed that boys having a +good voice were always popular and received a lot of flattering +attention. But his ear was so poor that for a while it looked as if he +would not even be admitted to the singing practices. His persistence +prevailed in the end, and when he and Murray stood side by side, using +the same song-book while practicing some brave old student song, he felt +as much happiness as ever fell to his share in those days. + +They had common hours in gymnastics, too, but they were compulsory three +times a week, and Murray took them as a duty rather than a pleasure. +Keith them on the whole, and unlike most of the other boys, he preferred +the slow routine of the setting-up exercises to the more athletic +features. While he never consciously realized the cause of that +preference at the time, it would not have been difficult for a fairly +intelligent observer to discover it. + +Keith was still one of the smallest boys in the school utterly lacking +any physical superiority, although he was in excellent health and never +had experienced a single one of the ailments that commonly dodge the +steps of childhood. He could not shine in jumping or leaping or +climbing, but in the drill his painstaking attention placed him on a par +with everybody else. It was his one chance of feeling himself the +physical equal of his schoolmates, and it was the only field of common +endeavour outside the lessons where he was not made to feel his own +inferiority. + + + +XIX + +The insufficiency of one room as a living place for three persons had +long been evident. Keith was in his twelfth year, and he still slept on +the chaiselongue opposite his father's and mother's bed. He had ceased +to pretend that the corner between the window and his mother's bureau +could possibly be considered a satisfactory "play-room." Then a tenant +who had lived with them quite a while left, and the parlour became +unexpectedly vacant. Keith revelled in the free use of it, and his +mother talked seriously of not renting it again, but the father insisted +that they could not afford to keep it for themselves. + +Then Keith's mother had a bright idea. She inserted an advertisement +offering a home and "as good as parental care" to a boy from the +country for the school season. An answer was received, negotiations +progressed favourably, and soon Albert Mendelius, the son of a minister, +was installed in the parlour with understanding that his use of it was +exclusive only at night. In the daytime it was common ground for both +boys, and Keith did his studying in there, but he continued to sleep on +the chaiselongue. + +The boys got on very well together, and yet no real friendship sprang up +between them. Albert, who attended a different school, had his own +associates, and Keith could not take much of his mind off Murray. It +made a great improvement in Keith's living conditions, however, and he +hoped it would last. + +When Albert went home to celebrate Christmas, Keith was asked to pay him +a visit after the holidays. This invitation became still more attractive +when Keith received a fine pair of skates for a Christmas present. He +had never seen the country in winter, and the impression it made on him +was a little startling. The sight of the dark pines against the white +carpet of the snow filled him with a mystic longing so strong that it +almost frightened him. When he and Albert put on their skates and +stretched out at full speed across the lake that spread its floor of +dark glass within a stone's throw of the vicarage, he had a sense of +never having lived before. The spaciousness of the house and the +pleasant evenings spent cracking nuts and eating apples in front of the +blazing fire-place were also revelations that filled his mind with many +new thoughts. Why was his own home not like this? + +The boys went back to Stockholm together, but before they started, Keith +learned that Albert was going elsewhere to live. An aunt of his had +offered to take him in for the rest of the season. + +"And, of course," said Albert's mother apologetically, "when you can be +with your own kin, it is better you know." + +Keith wondered a little. On his return home, his mother said indignantly +that she supposed their humble home had not been found good enough. A +few weeks later the parlour was rented in the old way to a +gentle-looking young man with very pink cheeks who coughed a good deal. + +And Keith once more found himself restricted to the living-room for all +the time spent at home. + + + +XX + +Keith had been home for lunch and was on the way back to the school. He +was alone. Murray was in bed with some slight ailment. + +It was in January, a cold but brilliant day. The streets were covered +with deep snow. Everything that usually moved on wheels was now on +runners. As runners make no noise and the sound of the hoofs was +deadened by the snow, every horse carried a bell, and some of them had a +whole little chime. The bright sunlight on the white snow and the +tinkling of all those bells made a stimulating combination, and people +hurried along with smiling faces, although they had to rub their noses +and cheeks frequently to keep them from freezing. + +Keith was never sensitive about his face, but his hands were buried +deeply in his coat pockets. His schoolbooks were tied up in a leather +thong and slung over his shoulder like a knapsack. + +At the Sluice he stopped and looked long at the people skating merrily +on the rinks down on the ice of the lake between the Corn Harbour and +the railway bridge. A number of boys near his own age were among the +rest having a good time. Many of the boys brought their skates to school +and never went home for lunch, but just ate a couple of sandwiches in +order to spend as much as possible of the noonday pause on the ice. +Keith had asked permission to do the same, but the refusal had been +peremptory. The fact was that he was granted little or no chance to use +his new skates. Once in a while he got leave, after begging long and +hard, to run over to the rinks at the New Bridge Harbour, in the North +End, for a brief while in the late afternoon. Most of the time even that +scant leave was denied him. To his mother's general disinclination to +let him out of sight was added her dread that he might fall into the +water and get drowned. He promised by everything sacred that he would +not leave the rink, which she ought to know was perfectly safe, but her +morbid fears would not listen to reason. More and more he was beginning +to give up asking even. The disappointment of a refusal was too bitter +to be borne often. + +As he stood leaning against the bridge railings, his eyes strayed +farther and farther along the surface of the lake, which lay frozen as +far out as he could see. There were rinks on the other side of the +railway bridge, too, and here and there he noticed isolated black +figures gliding along the unswept spaces outside the rinks. Suddenly he +caught sight of a large gathering of people very far out. They were +moving slowly toward the shore, and evidently they were held together by +some common purpose. He wondered what they could be doing out there, far +beyond the last rink, but the distance was too great to give him any +basis for speculation. + +After a while he had to leave in order not to be late. He had almost +reached the school when he was overtaken by a boy from the English +section of his own grade, about whom he knew nothing but that his name +was Bergman. + +"Have you heard," cried Bergman when he was still several steps behind, +although he and Keith had never exchanged a word before. Keith turned +in surprise. + +"Three boys were drowned skating during the lunch hours," continued +Bergman breathlessly. "Two were in my class--Hill and Samson, you know. +The third, Dahlin, was in your own class." + +"Is Dahlin dead?" asked Keith blankly. The thing seemed impossible to +him. He had been talking to Dahlin that very morning--a tall boy, slow, +self-possessed, older than most of the other pupils, and advanced for +his age in everything but studies. + +"He is," said Bergman with emphasis. "And so are the other two. They are +dragging for the bodies now." + +So that was what I saw those people doing out there, Keith thought. + +"Little Moses was with them," Bergman ran on. "The Jew, you know. We've +always thought him a coward. And he nearly went down, too, trying to +save them." + +By that time they were separating at the door to Bergman's classroom. On +entering his own class, Keith found it in a state of unexampled though +subdued excitement. The boys were gathered in groups which constantly +shifted membership. Every one spoke in a whisper. Reports and rumours of +the most fantastic kind passed from group to group, giving rise to +fierce discussions. Six boys had been drowned instead of three, some one +asserted. In another minute they heard that no one had been lost. Most +credence was given to a circumstantial report of the miraculous recovery +of Dahlin after he had been fully fifteen minutes under water. His big +sealskin cap, they said, had become stuck over his face as he went +under, so that the water could not choke him. + +Keith was among the most excited for a while, running eagerly from group +to group and telling what he had heard from Bergman, who evidently had +the very latest news. Soon, however, his mood changed, and he retired +quickly to his own seat. There he sat by himself, his elbows on his +knees and his face resting in his hands. A stupor had descended on his +mind. The whole thing seemed so incredible. He could not grasp it. Those +boys, who had been right among them only a few hours ago, would never +appear again. There would be a funeral, and then they would never be +heard of again. Tears broke into his eyes. He choked with a vague sense +of pity. Samson, he knew, was the only son of a poor widow. Hill's +mother was very sick, some one had said. And Dahlin.... + +Keith instinctively raised his head to look at the place which Dahlin +had occupied that very morning. What did it mean ...? + +At that moment the Rector entered, long overdue to give them an hour in +Latin--an hour of which a goodly part already was gone. The boys dropped +into their seats. A murmur of expectation passed through the class. +Every eye was on the Rector's face which seemed to twitch in a +peculiar fashion. + +"The school has suffered a terrible loss," he said at last, his voice +sounding very hoarse. "There is only one thing we can do--work! Will +_primus_ please begin translating from the top of the twenty-second +page, where we left off yesterday." + +The boys stared at him, but no one dared to speak. They knew there was +no escape, and they tried to fix their attention on the books. Keith saw +before him a blurred page full of dancing letters. _Primus_ stumbled and +blundered. He was followed by _secundus_ and _tertius_. Keith had +recovered a little by that time, and he knew they were making mistakes +that ordinarily would have called forth a storm of reproof from the +Rector. Now he paid no attention, but merely repeated: + +"Go on--go on!" + +At last the lesson came to an end, and then they were dismissed for the +day. + +On his way home Keith's thoughts ran in a futile circle around the day's +event. If they had never left the rink ... if they had been saved ... if +the story about Dahlin could have been true.... + +Always his thoughts returned to the same point: the strangeness of the +fact that those boys would never appear again. At no moment, however, +did it occur to him that the same thing might have happened to +himself--or might happen some time in the future. He was Keith +Wellander, to whom such things never happened. + +He was nearly home when he suddenly stopped in the middle of East Long +Street and said to himself: + +"Now I suppose I'll _never_ get leave to go skating again." + + + +XXI + +Among other new duties that accompanied Keith's entrance into the fourth +grade was church-going. Until then he had known little about public +worship beyond what he observed during two or three attendances of Yule +Matins, that was almost like going to a party. The rule of the school +was that all pupils in the higher grades who not going to church with +their parents elsewhere must attend services with their respective +classes every other Sunday at the Church of St. Mary Magdalene. + +Judging by the number of boys who turned up, the percentage of +church-goers among the parents must have been very small. Keith's father +went to communion once a year. That was all. The mother went a little +oftener, but as a rule something else turned up about the time she ought +to start, and so she stayed home and read a chapter in some Lutheran +postil instead. Keith thought little of that kind of books. He had tried +them and found them dull beyond endurance. + +"Do you really like reading that stuff," he said to his mother one +Sunday. + +"Keith!" she protested sternly. Then she continued more mildly: "It is +not a question of like or dislike, my boy, but of saving your soul by +humbling it before the Lord." + +"Can you do that by reading," asked Keith innocently. + +"N-no ... not exactly," his mother hesitated. But you can.... Oh, I know +I ought to be in church instead of sitting here, but I am such a weak +vessel, and I am sure that the Lord will understand and forgive me." + +"Well, then you don't need to worry, mamma," said Keith consolingly, +stirred as always by the appearance of an emotional note in her voice. + +"We should always worry," she rejoined very gently, "because we are all +sinners and we have a chance only by His mercy. But I don't believe in a +hell, whatever they say, and I don't want you, Keith, to pay any +attention to anything of that kind they may teach you." + +"But why do they teach it then," asked Keith, his logic alert. + +"Because ... it's a long story, and you will understand it some day. Now +I want to finish my chapter, or I won't be able to do so before dinner +is ready." + +Keith would have liked to ask more, but what concerned him was the +apparent contradiction in his mother's words rather than the subject of +religion itself. His main impression of religion so far was that it was +something very tedious to which grown-up people submitted for some +mysterious reason never really revealed to children. And this impression +was abundantly confirmed by his subsequent experiences in the prudishly +ugly precincts of St. Mary Magdalene. + +Seats were reserved in one of the side galleries for the pupils from Old +Mary. Two teachers sat in one of the front pews, so that they could look +down into the church. Aspiring youngsters who wanted to make sure of +good marks were apt to look upon the same pews with special favour. The +rest of the boys wanted to sit as far back as possible, where they could +whisper, and show each other pictures, and eat candy without too much +danger of being discovered. These pursuits brought no relief to Keith, +partly because he possessed neither pictures nor candy, being always +very shy of pocket money, and partly because either fear or some sort of +pride made him draw back from engaging in any sort of mischief behind +the teacher's back. + +The hymn singing was not without a certain enjoyment. The slowness of +the tempo made it possible for Keith to keep in tune by leaning very +close to the boy sitting next to him. Even the reading of the gospels +and other recurring features of the service could be borne. But when the +sermon began, Keith fell into sheer agony. The other boys seemed capable +of letting the words of the preacher drop off them as water drops off +the oily feathers of a water-fowl. But one of Keith's characteristics +was that he had to listen to anything said loudly enough in his +presence. For him there was no escape. Through an endless hour, that +sometimes would verge on the five quarters, he had to sit there and take +in every word of a long-winded, moralistic discourse dealing in +forbidding terms with things that left his brain as untouched as if they +had been uttered in a strange tongue. He had a sense of warnings and +threats that seemed to connect with what his mother had asked him not to +heed. He was told to believe, but he could not make out what it was he +should believe--unless it was the Small Catechism, and that had always +left his mind a perfect blank although he knew it by heart from the +first page to the last. + +When at last the ordeal was over, he rushed away with a sense of relief +that was marred by the thought of the same thing happening two weeks +later. It was the only feature of his schooling that left behind an +actual sense of grievance which the passing years could not mollify. + + + +XXII + +A little before commencement the whole school was stirred by important +news. A reorganization of the entire school system was in progress, and +one result of it was the merger of the old _gymnasium_ or high school on +Knight's Island with Old Mary and the expansion of the latter to nine +grades under the new name of St. Mary's Higher Latin School. A building +across the street had already been acquired for the four new grades, and +a new rector of higher rank was to take charge in the fall. + +"It means that we'll stay right here until we go to the university," one +of Keith's classmates explained in a tone implying that it must make +quite a difference to their lives. Then he asked suddenly: "You'll go on +to the university, Wellander, won't you--you with your brilliant mind?" + +Keith looked at him in dumb astonishment. In spite of his two prizes, it +was so strange to be called brilliant. And then the question of going to +the university had been raised. Until then he had really never given a +thought to it. And the question of cost leaped into his mind. He was +beginning to learn at last that money was needed for a number of things +you liked to do. Would it cost much, and could his father afford to pay +that much, and, most important of all, would his father consent to pay +it? Those were novel questions--and as he did so often when faced by +something unpleasant or disturbing, so, now again, he pushed them aside, +fled from them, refused to have anything to do with them. There were +still five grades between him and that threateningly attractive +possibility, the student's white cap. + +"I don't know," he said at last, being a truthful fool in most matters, +"I have not asked papa yet." + +And there was a smile on the other boy's face which Keith disliked +without guessing the significance of it. + +Commencement brought him a prize again--a German dictionary just like +the one Krass got when Keith carried off the highest prize in school +after thinking himself ignominiously passed by. Of course, a prize was a +prize, but--and he thought his father looked rather disappointed when he +heard of it. + +However, George Murray also received a book, and It was no better than +Keith's, although Murray professed to see a great difference between a +German Dictionary and a Latin Classic. + + + +XXIII + +Murray was going off with his family to their private summer residence +in the archipelago outside of Stockholm and Keith gathered that it must +be a very magnificent place. The Wellanders didn't go to the country at +all. Keith's mother had a very bad period again, full of worry and +depression. The summer dragged along joylessly, and Keith had to fall +back on Johan's company in so far as he could obtain it. But Johan was +getting very independent. He had plenty of other acquaintances, and what +Keith saw of them made him deem it wiser not to mention them at all to +his mother. He was gradually learning discretion of a kind. + +He read a good deal, and he was beginning to make unauthorized visits to +his father's bookcase in the parlour. There he had discovered certain +volumes by one Jules Verne, and if he could only have plunged freely +into these, the summer might have proved quite bearable. One day when he +could not get at the books, and his mood was more than usually fretful, +and his mother seemed at her lowest, she suddenly turned on him and said +in a strangely bitter tone: + +"All I have to go through now is your fault, Keith." + +"Why," he asked dumbly, staring at her. + +"Because when you came into the world you hurt me so much that I have +never been well since." + +"How," he demanded, and as he spoke an idea flashed through his mind +that his mother might not be knowing what she said. Just how such a +thing could happen was still a mystery to him, but what she said sounded +so absurdly impossible. + +At that moment her mood suddenly changed. + +"There is one thing I have never told you. But for my being made so sick +when you were born, you would have had a little brother, and you would +not have been so lonesome, and perhaps everything would have been +better. But he was born dead. And now I have no one but you, and I shall +have no one else, and you are everything to me, and you must love me +very much and never leave me." + +Her arms were about him, and she was crying. And soon both felt better. +But Keith had heard things he could not forget. And there was food in +them for a summer's thought. + + + +PART IV + + + +I + +Form the very start the fifth grade was a disappointment. Once Keith, +like all the rest of the smaller boys, had looked up to it with +awe-stricken yearnings as to a peak that only a few fortunate few could +hope to climb. It was then the top of the school. Its pupils were +revered seniors--olympians tarrying momentarily among ordinary mortals +before they took flight for the exalted regions where they really +belonged. All this had been changed by the reorganization. The fifth +grade now was merely a continuation of the fourth and a stepping stone +to the sixth. And Keith's class was the first one to miss the honours of +which successive generations had dreamed as far back as the school had +existed. It was a thing no one had considered when the great news was +passed around in the spring. Now it was brought home to those most +nearly concerned with that poignancy of realization of which only youth +is capable. It gave to the whole class a peculiar atmosphere as if it +had been marked in advance for defeat. The teachers seemed to feel it, +too, and especially the old Rector, who, after so many years of supreme +command, suddenly found himself reduced to a subordinate position. + +Keith felt robbed like the rest. And like them, he felt that the +instruction had become a mere humdrum routine enabling a certain number +of boys to get the proper marks at the end of a certain number of +months. What had lured him on as an adventure had turned into a tedious +grind. And more and more he drifted back into a dream world of his own +out of which he had been dragged by Dally's good-humoured jibes. And +yet, what could he expect? Had not Dally even, his best friend in the +whole school, cheated him of the honour he had rightfully earned--an +honour that, once lost, could never be recovered? + +The subjects, on the whole, were the same as in the previous grade. You +simply went further into them--that was all. The teachers were the same, +and the relationships once established between them and the boys +remained the same, for good or bad. Every one knew what to expect, on +both sides, and no one quite escaped from the resulting sense of +staleness. + +The old Rector went on cramming the class with Latin grammar. He had a +way of making some poor stumbler conjugate the same verb fifteen to +twenty times in succession, so that the correct sequence might never +again escape his memory. And as the red-faced sinner stammered out the +tenses, the Rector would make a tube of his left hand into which he +poked his right thumb. This gesture was always accompanied by the same +mocking remark: + +"That's the way to stuff sausages!" + +His language grew more picturesque and unrestrained every day. He +belonged distinctly to an older and less circumspect generation, and he +was a good deal of an eccentric besides. His heart was of gold, and no +one ever took the pedagogue's mission more seriously, but whatever he +possessed of refinement went into his appreciation of the language that +was his life's passion. When he spoke Swedish, he called a spade a +spade in a manner that gave Keith shock after shock. Always rather given +to a certain aristocratic exclusiveness in his speech, Keith had through +his association with Murray become something of a prude in this respect. +He could still descend to obscenities when his "manliness" had to be +proved, but vulgarity repelled him irresistibly. + +Until then he had never dreamt of questioning any authority. Even at +this juncture he obeyed directions explicity and maintained on the whole +his reputation as a good pupil. But a tendency to criticism was growing +within him, and from the men who taught him it began gradually to pass +to the subjects taught. There came a day when the truth could no longer +be evaded: he was bored most of the time. And the result was that he +grew more and more listless. + +If asked, Keith could not have told what was wrong. In fact, it is not +at all certain that he would have admitted that anything was wrong. No +rebellious stirrings had yet found tangible form within him. + +He had to learn long lists of foreign kings that had been dead for ages. +He was even expected to know when each king ascended his throne and left +it. He had to learn mathematic formulas and grammatic rules. And on the +heels of each rule hung at least a dozen exceptions. It was impossible +to tell which were of greater importance, the rules or the exceptions. +He had also to learn the exact number of pistils and stamens possessed +by every flower likely to be found in the vicinity of the Swedish +capital. The same thing happened in every subject embraced by the +curriculum. There was no end to it. Yet he did not rebel. Every one +knew that there was no other way of teaching things, so what was the use +of rebelling? + +His memory was good, although tricky. In a case of aroused interest he +could absorb an astonishing number of dates, or figures, or lines of +poetry, at first glance or hearing. But he could also drop them as if he +had never heard of them the moment his interest was gone. And they +always seemed to drop out of sight when he left school and returned +home. That word interest seemed to give the key to the situation. And +all sorts of vague and queer and inexplicable things within himself +determined whether he was to be interested or not. It was not a question +of choice or will. He was or was not. + +Facts as facts did not interest him at all. Even things as things did +not necessarily, though they might. The class made excursions into the +fields and woods framing the capital, and under the guidance of their +teacher of botany they observed and analysed all sorts of living +flowers. Keith was delighted to get out and charmed with the flowers, +but the facts about them pointed out by the teacher left him profoundly +unmoved. They had exciting little experiments in chemistry, and Keith +effervesced with the rest, but nothing of what he saw brought him more +than a momentary diversion. + +All those things left his own real life untouched. And yet he was not +merely looking for fairy tales and adventures. His mind already was +hungry for something else. He found it often in the books he read at +home, many of which had been borrowed from the school library. Not +facts--but how different sorts of facts hung together, so to speak. The +school ought to tell him, and sometimes he had an uneasy feeling that +the teachers were trying to tell him this very thing. But they failed +somehow, and the farther he advanced, the more exasperating that +failure became. + +He was in his thirteenth year, and he was no longer certain that he +cared to study. But reading was still his dominant passion--reading and +George Murray. + + + +II + +Relations with Murray had been resumed on the old basis. Day after day +they walked to and from school together, and hardly ever was their +friendship disturbed by a misunderstanding. In school, too, they spent a +good deal of time in each other's company, and they continued to sit +side by side. Being so much seen together, they gradually came to be +known as "the twins," which pleased Keith tremendously. But once they +had parted for the day at the corner of the Quay and the lane, there was +no more communication between them. And no matter what Keith said or +did, he could never persuade his friend to break that rule. + +Then Murray's birthday came along, and he told Keith quite casually that +his mother had promised to let him have a party and invite five of his +schoolmates. + +"Will you ask me," Keith blurted out, his eyes shining with eagerness. + +"I don't know," said Murray guardedly. + +"But I am your best friend in school," Keith protested. + +"It depends on mamma," Murray explained, and his voice lacked a little +of its customary complacency. + +"Of course, I should like to have you," he added after a pause, but his +words carried no conviction. + +Keith was too hard hit to say a word. + +A couple of days later, on their way home from school, Murray said +unexpectedly that he and his mother had looked over the school catalogue +the night before, and that his mother had picked the five boys whom he +was to invite. And he started to name them. The first name was that of +Brockert, a boy in their own class. + +"But I have never seen you speak to him," Keith interrupted him. + +"He is a very fine boy and comes of excellent family," Murray retorted. +Then he enumerated the other four. Only one of them besides Brockert +belonged to their own class. + +Little as Keith knew about most of the boys in school, he realized that +all the prospective guests had three things in common: they were good +scholars, poor, and yet of good families. One had a _von_ in front of +his name. Brockert, too, had some sort of claim to nobility, although it +was said that his mother earned a living for herself and him by working +as a seamstress and the boy was known to pay for his own tuition by +tutoring backward sons of rich families in the lower grades. + +Keith tried to look unconcerned. Fortunately they were near home, and +soon he could get away by himself. It has to be admitted that he cried. +And in the end he told his mother, who tried to make him promise never +to speak to Murray again. + +"But we're side partners in the class," said Keith, still sobbing. + +There was a certain stiffness between him and Murray during the next few +days, but they kept company to and from school as usual. Not until the +morning after the party did it occur to Keith that his pride demanded +some kind of demonstration. + +That morning he meant to keep away from his friend. He stayed at home +longer than usual on purpose. Finally he grew afraid of being late and +tumbled pell-mell downstairs, intent on turning to his old route by way +of East Long Street. But no sooner had he reached the lane than his legs +seemed to be moving regardless of his will, and they took the familiar +turn toward the Quay. At that moment he caught sight of Murray crossing +the mouth of the lane without looking either right or left. Something +like a shiver passed through Keith's body, but his legs were still in +command, and they began to run. A minute later he was walking beside +Murray as he had done day after day for the better part of three terms. + +At first they did not speak. Then Murray began to tell about the party +of the night before as if it had been the most natural thing in the +world to do so. He told what they had eaten and what they had played and +what impression the boys had made on his mother. Keith listened +without a word. + +The worst fight he had ever fought with himself was raging within him, +and while he heard every word that Murray uttered, they seemed to pass +him by as if spoken to some other person. His heart was beating very +hard, and he breathed uneasily. An unfamiliar, impersonal voice within +himself was telling him that he must either give Murray a good licking +then and there or run away. Nasty, ugly, hateful words seemed to crowd +to his lips with an all but irresistible demand for utterance. + +Yet he walked on as before, listening to Murray without a word of +comment. At last, when they were near the school entrance, he stopped +suddenly and said: + +"Did you ever speak to your mother of me?" + +"I did," replied Murray calmly. "And she said that while she had no +objection to our keeping company, she did not think your father's +position was such that we could ask you home." + +A strange thing happened to Keith at that moment. It seemed to him that +everything had been satisfactorily explained, and that there was no +reason why he should be angry with Murray or offended at his friend's +parents. He had simply been made to suffer for something that had +nothing to do with his own person. + +"Hey, twins," a classmate yelled at them just then. + +"I suppose you couldn't help it," Keith said weakly to Murray. + +"I really should have liked to have you," Murray answered, and it made +Keith feel as if he had been more than compensated for his previous +sufferings. + +After that their friendship continued outwardly as before, but there was +a difference. A tendency to nag and find fault appeared on both sides, +and on several occasions they broke into actual quarrels. These always +ended in reconcilations, but the old serenity had gone from their +companionship, and each new misunderstanding left Keith a little +more unhappy. + + + +III + +As a result of the changed relationship between himself and the friend +he idealized, Keith began once more to look up Johan. He did it rather +furtively, as if he had known that he was engaged in something unworthy +of himself. There was an additional reason for this return to an +association long spurned, and it had something to do with his manner of +going about it. + +What his mother had told him during the summer was still fermenting in +his mind, but no amount of brooding over it would produce any results. +It was like trying to raise oneself by pulling at one's own bootstraps. +He must turn to some one else for the information that alone could solve +the mystery. Murray was out of the question. Keith had never exchanged a +word with him about the subject that was taking more and more of his +attention. He knew what Murray would say if such a matter were broached: + +"I don't think my papa would like me to talk of it, and it's rather +nasty anyhow." + +No, Johan was the person to seek for knowledge of this kind. He was now +smoking all the time when not under the eye of his mother. While Keith +almost had stood still physically, Johan had forged ahead. There was no +denying that he was coarse and dull and awkward, but there was a shrewd +gleam in his somewhat bleary eyes, and from time to time he threw out +dark hints about enjoyments and experiences that little boys clinging to +their mother's skirts could never master. + +It became a sort of game between them--a game that pleased Johan and +drove Keith to exasperation. It was a game of hide-and-seek. And the +most remarkable feature of it was that, although Keith was dying to +know, he found it impossible to ask any direct questions. His pose was +that he didn't care, and Johan's counter-pose was that he didn't know +what Keith was driving at. + +Little by little, however, Keith extracted various stories about those +new friends of Johan's, who lived in one of the neighbouring lanes and +who had a big vacant attic at their disposal. There quite a number of +boys gathered daily, and Johan did his best to impress Keith with the +desperate character of their doings. Girls came to that meeting-place, +too. It was the principal thing, according to Johan--the fact that made +those exploits so deliriously reprehensible. One day Johan was in an +unusually communicative mood. + +"Yesterday," he related with great gusto, "Nils got hold of Ellen and +kissed her. And then they crawled into a big empty box when they thought +we didn't see them. And there they stayed ever so long. But Gustaf +crawled up behind the box and peeped. And he saw what they did, and then +he told us." + +"What did they do," asked Keith tensely, forgetting his usual reserve. + +"Oh, you know," replied Johan teasingly. + +"I don't," said Keith stoutly, realizing that it was a dreadful +admission of inferiority. "And I want you to tell me." + +For a moment Johan hesitated. Then he shot at Keith a single word--a +verb--that Keith had heard in the lane and among the longshoremen on the +Quay. He knew that it was bad--the worst one of its kind. He knew also +in a vague sort of way that it touched the very heart of the mystery he +was trying to solve. And yet it left him just as ignorant as before. + +The bald use of that word by Johan stunned him for a moment. Then his +hot thirst for light brushed all other considerations aside, and he said +almost pleadingly: "Can't you tell me all about it?" + +"Oh, everybody knows," said Johan, and his eyes began to wander shiftily +as they always did when he found himself cornered. + +"You don't know yourself," Keith taunted him, suddenly grown wise beyond +his ordinary measure. + +"Yes, I do," insisted Johan. + +"Then tell--or I won't believe you." + +"They did what your papa and mamma do nights," Johan shot back. + +There was a long pause. + +"They don't do anything," Keith said at last almost in a whisper, +"except talk." + +"You bet they do," asserted Johan, sure now of having triumphed. + +And Keith went home without asking any more questions. + + + +IV + +A queer restlessness seized him and left him no peace. He swung abruptly +from one extreme mood to another--from mad elation to paralyzing +depression. He had a baffling sense of things happening within himself +that were equally beyond control and explanation. He grew tired of +sitting on those plain benches at school, with no support for the back, +and still more tired of the Rector's incessant "sit up straight, boy." +Sometimes when he read at home, he could not keep his eyes fixed on the +book because his thoughts insisted on straying into all sorts of +irrelevant fields. But no matter in what direction they started, +circuitously they always found their way into the field of main +preoccupation. + +Although shocked at the time by what Johan had told him, it did not +remain actively in his memory. On a few occasions he woke up during the +night with an impression of having heard his mother call his father's +name. When he raised his head from the pillow to listen, a breathless +stillness prevailed in the room. Soon he went back to sleep, and +afterwards he thought no more about it. Yet the very act of listening +seemed to inflame his mind in some way. + +The game learned back of the big rock had never become quite forgotten. +Yet it had never meant very much to him, and during his association with +Murray he had thought less and less of it. Now it took new hold of him, +in a much more imperative way, as if it had got a new meaning and a new +lure. And it seemed to have some elusive but highly significant +connection with the mystery that always puzzled and fretted his +curiosity. + +Once more he pressed Johan for an explanation of that reference to +Keith's parents. + +"That's the way children are made," Johan finally announced with a mien +of having transmitted the ultimate wisdom of the ages. + +Keith merely stared at him. That answer did not interest him at all. Of +course, he had long guessed that the arrival of children was a part of +the mystery, but it was a part that had ceased to concern him. What he +wished to know, must know, related to himself exclusively. But in this +respect there was nothing more to be had out of Johan. + +At school he began to join a group of boys who always gathered in a +corner of the assembly hall during the pauses instead of mixing with the +mob in the schoolyard. The centre of that group was Swensson, a handsome +young chap of more advanced age than the others who had spent two years +in most of the grades. He was always behind in his studies, but he +seemed to know more of life than all the rest put together. A large part +of the time he was telling stories--always about girls--or relating +adventures--always with girls. Keith found the stories amusing, but as a +rule he failed to grasp their point. And yet they added fuel to the +flame that was burning more and more hotly within him. + +His mother had been watching him intently for some time, and after a +while she began to ask questions. These were guarded almost to +unintelligibility, and yet Keith guessed that they referred to his own +secret--the game learned back of the big rock. And so that game grew +still more enticing. Even then, however, it did not seem to matter very +much except in so far as it was the one thing that brought him a slight +relief from the consuming restlessness of body and mind. + +His mother's questions were followed by long talks, sometimes taking the +form of warnings, but more often turning into passionate pleas. And +gradually he gathered that the game he had been playing so innocently +must be both sinful and dangerous. He tried as hard as he could to get +to the root of his mother's hints, and he wanted to ask all sorts of +questions. But in the end the meaning of her words seemed to dissolve +into mist, and when he tried to question her directly, it was as if a +solid wall had suddenly risen between them, so that neither one could +hear what the other one said. + +His father, too, began to ask questions, evidently urged on by the +mother. He spoke sternly, but not unkindly, when he asked if Keith had +been doing anything he ought not to do. And naturally enough Keith +answered emphatically no. + +In this way the mystery came closer and closer to him, and became more +and more urgent. His mother's futile efforts at communicating what +apparently rested heavily on her heart made him ill at ease, but he +remained unconscious of any guilt or fear. A conflict of serious aspect +and proportions was undoubtedly taking shape within him, but so far it +was mainly concerned with the school and his friendship for Murray and +a general sense of dissatisfaction with the life he was leading. It was +above all a sense of things missed. + +Then he happened one afternoon, when his mother was out, to be delving +with more than customary audacity among the books in his father's book +case, which become more accessible through the death of their +gentle-looking tenant a short while before. + + + +V + +The cough of Herr Stangenberg had been growing worse and worse all +through the winter. He had to take to the bed more and more frequently. +There had been a terrible change in his appearance. Only the eyes and +his temper remained the same. He was always cheerful and hopeful. So he +remained when he had to stay in bed entirely and a doctor began to pay +him daily visits. Keith's mother did everything in her power to be of +help, and it seemed to put her own troubles and worries more in the +background. + +"Consumption" was a word the parents often used in discussing the case +of poor Herr Stangenberg, and Keith gathered that it was something +dreadful and merciless, from which escape was impossible. His attitude +toward the whole matter was peculiar. He listened to what his parents +talked, but always in a spirit of utter indifference, as if what they +said could have no possible bearing on his own life. + +One evening the servant girl--her name was Hilda at the time--brought +word that Herr Stangenberg wanted very badly to see Fru Wellander for a +few minutes. + +"I think he knows at last that the end is near," Keith's mother said as +she rose to go into the parlour. "What am I going to say if he asks me?" + +"Nothing," replied the father quietly. "Leave that to the doctor." + +On her return, the mother sank down in her chair and began to grope for +a handkerchief. Keith saw that her eyes were lustrous with tears. + +"What did he want?" asked the father with unusual anxiety. + +"Well, if you tried for a month, you couldn't guess it," the mother +said, and as she spoke, a smile broke through her tears. "It is so sad +and so funny that.... He wants me to send for his tailor to measure him +for a new spring suit." + +"Has he no idea ...?" The father checked himself with a glance at Keith. + +"I know what you mean," said Keith calmly. Both parents looked at him in +surprise, but neither comment nor rebuke ensued. + +"No," the mother went on after a while, "he says that he knows he will +be well and back at his office in two weeks. He actually laughed when I +tried to say something about his being very ill. It brought on his cough +again, and for a moment I thought he would die then and there. But when +the attack was over, he asked me if I couldn't hear that the cough was +much better. What do you think I ought to do?" + +"Nothing," the father replied once more. + +Keith was ready to start for school next morning when he heard Hilda +utter a startled cry in the parlour. + +"Fru Wellander! Fru Wellander!" she called. + +Before the mother had a chance to move, the frightened face of the girl +appeared in the parlour door, and she whispered as if afraid of waking +some one out of sleep: + +"He is dead." + +Both women hurried into the parlour. Keith stood irresolute for a +moment. Then he made for the kitchen door and ran downstairs at top +speed. He was afraid of missing Murray. + +All during that day a thought would bother his brain like a buzzing fly: +how peculiar that a man could want to order a new suit of clothes a few +hours before he died. There was something irrational about it that +stumped him. For a moment he thought of speaking to Murray about it, but +it was as if some one had put a hand firmly over his mouth every time he +tried to do so. + +The funeral took place in a couple of days. A distant relative had +turned up, very apologetic and eager to explain that his dead cousin had +failed to let any one know that he was sick even. This young man, the +minister, and Keith's parents were the only mourners. A single +carriage sufficed. + +Keith never went into the parlour during those days. When everything was +nearly ready, the mother asked him if he cared to go in and have a last +look at poor Herr Stangenberg before the lid was put on the coffin. +Keith merely shook his head. + +"You had better go," Granny called from the kitchen. "I never saw him +better-looking while he was alive." + +"I won't," Keith yelled back with an amount of irritation that seemed +quite out of proportion to its cause. The mother gave him an uneasy +glance but left the room without saying anything at the time. + +As far as the boy was concerned, the incident was closed. He had never +permitted it to take a real hold of his mind, and he resented anybody's +attempt to bring it closer to him. Death had stopped within his own +threshold, and he simply looked in the opposite direction. This attitude +sprang mainly from some inner resistance so stubborn that it would not +even permit itself to be discussed. In addition, his mind was engrossed +with other things, and the principal significance it attached to the +passing of a human life at such close quarters was the hope it held out +that the parlour might remain vacant. + +"Were you afraid to look," the mother asked Keith on her return with the +father from the cemetery. + +"No, I just didn't want to," the boy replied emphatically. + +"Why," the mother asked, studying his face with the peculiar searching +glance that sometimes provoked him and sometimes filled him with a +desire to bury his head in her lap and weep. + +"Why should I," Keith rejoined. "He was dead!" + + + +VI + +No sooner had the apologetic young man removed the effects of his +departed relative than Keith wanted to take full possession of the +parlour. His mother checked his eagerness with the explanation that they +might still want to rent it. In the meantime he could use it freely, but +he must remove all his playthings when he was through for the day. + +"Why can't I sleep on the big sofa in there," he asked in a tone that he +vainly tried to make ingratiating. + +"Not yet," said his mother evasively. "You had better stay in here, I +think." + +Once more the sense of being watched took hold of him unpleasantly, +filling him with a mixture of fear and resentment. And his wonder why +they seemed to suspect him added to the mystery with which his mind was +wrestling so hopelessly. + +The constant access to the parlour was a great change for the better, +however, and one of the first uses he made of it was to investigate his +father's little library with a thoroughness that until then had been out +of the question. It was a queer collection, embracing every form of +literature from philosophy to fiction. This catholicity did not mirror +the father's taste but resulted from his manner of acquiring the books. +Before obtaining the position he now held in the bank, he worked for a +while in the office of one of the principal book printing establishments +at Stockholm. There he formed acquaintances which later enabled him to +get one unbound set of sheets of every book issued from that press. +These he sent to a binder who put them into simple paper covers for a +few _öre_ per volume. They always arrived in a large package just before +Christmas, and one of the thorns in Keith's flesh was the care with +which his father kept all those new treasures hidden until the holiday +season was past. Then the books that had not been handed on to friends +or relations as Christmas presents were given a permanent place on the +shelves of the book case. All of them, however, lacked printed covers +and illustrations. + +The young man whom every one spoke of as "poor dear Herr Stangenberg" +had not been dead a week, when Keith one afternoon on his return from +school found himself alone in the house with Granny. His mother had gone +to call on some friends, and the father would not come home from the +bank for several hours. Even the servant girl was away, which was a fact +that not immaterially contributed to Keith's sense of security. Granny +need not be taken into account. + +A long cherished opportunity had arrived at last, and he made straight +for the book case. It was locked, but he knew where to find the key. Its +hiding-place had constituted one of those little domestic problems that +add zest to an uneventful existence. There was also an injunction of +long standing against any meddling with the case without permission, but +that had been a dead letter for some time. When books were concerned, +Keith's customary respect for authority ceased to be an obstacle to +his desires. + +He explored with no special object in mind. He wanted new reading +matter, and his curiosity was piqued by a number of books with blank +backs that gave no clue to their contents. Two huge, fat volumes on +the bottom shelf had already attracted his attention, and they +were the first he pulled out. Their title brought instantaneous +disappointment--"The Philosophy of the Unconscious," by Edouard von +Hartmann. He prepared scornfully to put them back, when, through the big +gap left by their withdrawal, he became aware that the space back of the +front row was packed with smaller books and pamphlets. This discovery +surprised him for a moment, but what he saw in there looked rather +uninteresting. Nevertheless he reached in and pulled out a small green +pamphlet that happened to be nearest at hand. Idly he glanced at the +legend printed on the front cover: + +"Amor and Hymen. A guide for married and unmarried persons of both +sexes." + +The words carried no special meaning to his mind, and in the same +indifferent manner he turned a few pages until his eyes fell on a +full-page illustration. + +After that he read no other book for days. + + + +VII + +He read as he had never read before in his brief span of life--as, +perhaps, he would never read again, no matter how wide a stretch of life +that span might ultimately encompass. + +He read of the anatomical differences between men and women. He read +about the mechanism of love. He read about the mysteries of procreation. +All of it was startlingly new to him, and yet he read with a sense of +always having known it. He read with absolute acceptance, without a +possibility of doubt. + +It seemed a genuine revelation that must render all future questioning +futile. And yet he seemed to know no more when he had finished than he +knew before he started. It remained outside of himself, a structure of +air, a series of shadowgraphs, and the craving within him burned as +passionately as ever. + +From now on he could grasp the points of the stories told by the boys at +school, and he would know what Johan was hinting at in his boast about +the secret doings of that attic. But of the reality of the thing he knew +as little as before. In fact, the principal lesson brought home by his +reading was that here he found himself in the presence of something that +could not be learned out of books. + +To begin with he did not go beyond the first part of the book. This he +read over and over again. When at last he was sated with what that part +had to give, a subtle chemical change had taken place in his mental +make-up, one might say. It was not caused by any facts conveyed by the +book. These seemed quite natural to him, and in themselves they would +have had no more power over him than the information about flowers of +various kinds imparted by the teacher of botany. It was the tone used +that affected him in a manner reminding him of the Swedish Punch of +which he had tested a few drops now and then. In every line there was a +mixture of shamefaced apology and veiled desire that sent all the blood +in his body rushing toward his head until the walls of the room about +him reeled. Every inch of him was on fire, and in that flame body and +soul were consumed together. + +The sum and substance of it was that he had become conscious of that +multitudinous impulse we call sex, and that from a vague, restless +yearning this impulse suddenly had developed into an appetite as +imperative as any hunger for food. + + + +VIII + +Finally he went on to the remaining chapters of the book, always with +that double sense of knowing it all before and of not quite grasping +what he read. + +Pages were consumed before he realized with a shock more intense than +any one previously experienced, that the book was speaking of the game +he learned to play back of the big rock. + +Again it was not what the book told that seemed to matter, but the tone +in which it spoke. And while before that tone had sent the blood to his +head, it now drew every drop of it back to his heart until he shivered +and shook with a misery so acute that another moment's endurance of it +seemed unthinkable. + +At that instant fear was born within him. Until then it had been no more +real to him than were now the experiences described in the first part of +the book. He had instinctively shrunk from things that he knew or +believed to be painful, from the shock of a blow to the sting of a harsh +word. He had suffered discomforting anticipation of rebukes and +restrictions. But he had never before stood face to face with that stark +unreasoning terror which gathers its chief power from the intangible +character of the danger it heralds. + +He learned that physically and spiritually he had courted death, and +what is worse than death. And suddenly the thought of that gentle-faced, +sweet-tempered young man in the parlour leaped into his memory. But the +image it brought him was not that of a human form stretched stiffly +within the black boards of a coffin. What he saw and what froze him with +horror was the hollow temples and sallow cheeks and drooping jaws and +bent back and trembling limbs of the human wreck that was still counted +a living man. + +Worse than that image, however, and worse than any thought of punishment +by powers not within his actual ken, was the book's damning imputation +of shame incurred, of unworthiness proved, of inferiority so deep that +no words could adequately picture it. + +All that was most himself wanted to rise in wild rebellion against +conclusions that found no support in anything he had actually +experienced so far. He wanted to refuse belief. He sought for escapes as +if the fulfilment of the doom pronounced by the book had been a matter +of minutes. But there was the book, and to back it suddenly appeared a +line of experiences out of his own life. + +Perhaps those who would not let him visit their homes had only too good +cause for refusal. Perhaps, after all, it was not his father's position +but something about himself that had caused the parents of Harald, of +Loth, and now of Murray, to act in exactly the same way. Perhaps Dally +had reasons for not letting him become _primus_ which, out of his soul's +kindness, he never told even to Keith himself. Perhaps the reason he +always felt isolated and out of touch with his schoolmates lay in their +instinctive recognition of his nature.... + +In the end he replaced the book with a firm determination never to look +at it again. But the poison was in his mind, and the book no +longer mattered. + + + +IX + +The game learned behind the big rock must never be played again--that +much was certain! + +But all resolves proved vain. Fight as he may, the end was inevitably +the same. + +Previously he had been the player, and had thought no more of it. Now +he was being played with, and this new form of the game kept him +see-sawing incessantly between ecstasy and agony, between the relief of +yielding and the remorse at having yielded. + +His life was an unending conflict, and in the presence of that ever +renewed struggle within, by forces that seemed alien to his own self, +all else lost significance. + +And there was not a thing or a person within reach that could offer an +antidote to the self-contempt corroding his soul's integrity. + + + +X + +Going to school grew very hard for a while. He could barely look his +schoolmates in the face for fear that they might read in his eyes what +sort of a chap he was. At times, on his walks to or from school with +Murray, a faintness would seize him at the mere thought that his friend +somehow might have guessed the truth. And he sent timidly envious +side-glances at one lucky enough to be raised above all temptation. For +neither his recollections of the gang gathered about the big rock nor +the more recent light shed on such things by Johan had the slightest +influence on his conception of himself as the sole black sheep in a +flock of perhaps soiled but nevertheless washable white ones. + +After a while the poignancy of his emotions became blunted by +familiarity, and mere weariness forced him to accept himself on a +reduced level. A sort of new equilibrium was established within him, but +it was primarily based on indifference. Nothing really mattered. Effort +was useless. Things merely happened. No one could help what happened. +And in this fatalism, so utterly foreign to his ardent, supersensitive +nature, he found a certain momentary sense of peace. + +He went about his daily classroom tasks as in a dream, doing +mechanically what he was asked, and dropping his effort as soon as the +demand for it ceased. Nothing happened during the lessons to indicate +that the teachers noticed any change in him or were in any manner +dissatisfied with him. Perhaps he was saved by an occasional flaring up +of interest that drew from him flashes of that brightness of mind that +had won Dally and given him the reputation of an exceptional pupil. + +But as the spring term drew nearer its close, he found it more and more +difficult to keep up a pretence at attention. More and more he sank into +mere drifting, and he whose pride had been really to know, now trusted +to luck like any dullard with a head unfit for studying. Worse still and +more significant, he began to find excuses for staying home from school. +He who had never known what it was to be sick, now developed disturbing +symptom after another--headaches and colds and digestive troubles in +endless succession. Most of the time these symptoms yielded quickly at +the mere sight of the castor oil which was his mother's favourite remedy +and the taste of which Keith hated more than anything else in the world. +It was the one thing that stood inexorably between his growing indolence +and the luxury of being ill. + +With commencement almost in sight, all sorts of written examinations +were demanded. These he disliked additionally because his handwriting +never had developed in proportion to his mental capacity. No matter how +he strove, the letters remained childishly awkward. No two of them +seemed to point in the same direction. Not even his futile efforts at +singing could fill him with a more humiliating sense of inferiority. + +All his various resistances were brought into concerted action when at +last the teacher in Swedish ordered him to prepare two brief original +compositions on quite simple themes. In the days of Dally he would have +revelled in such a task. Now it appalled him. His head was empty. The +mere idea of trying to write about such things as the discovery of +America and the beauties of nature seemed silly. There was any number of +books, besides, that said anything you could ever hope to say on +either subject. + +The end of it was that he produced an indisposition real enough not only +to convince his mother but to make himself willing to face the ordeal of +castor oil. Thanks to the oil he was able to stay in bed the better part +of two days. Those were the last two days before his Swedish +compositions were to be delivered. He knew that if they were not +delivered, he would get no mark in that subject, and this would prevent +his graduation to a higher grade. + +In that dilemma he conceived the brilliant idea of making his mother +write the compositions for him, and he actually succeeded in persuading +her to do so. He prompted her a little, but she did the main part of the +work, and the handwriting was hers. Finally he got her to bring them up +to school with the explanation that he was too sick to sit up and write, +but that she had taken down what he dictated. He did not even look at +what she wrote, and it never occurred to him to doubt her ability of +doing it far better than he could. When it was all over, he experienced +a tremendous sense of relief, and this was much enhanced by his mother's +willingness to let the father remain in complete ignorance of what +had happened. + +Nothing was said to him when he showed up at school again. His first +inkling of trouble came with the return of his copy book. It was full of +marks and corrections in red ink. As he looked at these in a stunned +fashion, he realized for the first time that his mother's spelling and +punctuation would have been deemed unsatisfactory in a second grade +pupil. At first he did not even consider the bearing of this discovery +on his own fate. He could think of only one thing, namely that another +blow had been dealt to his conception of his mother as a superior being. +He actually felt ashamed on her behalf. Then came the thought of what +the teacher must have thought.... + +Commencement Day brought the answer. He got only C in Swedish, which +meant that he had failed to pass. It gave him the choice between +spending another year in the same grade or facing special examinations +in the fall. + +At first he was too dazed to think. Then his former indifference changed +into blazing indignation and resentment. He felt himself a victim of +unpardonable injustice. In that mood he returned home and reported to +his father. + +"You talk nonsense, my boy," said his father in a tone that was new to +Keith. "From some things I have heard, I gather that your escape from +the same kind of mark in every subject was little short of miraculous." + +Keith stared open-eyed at his father, puzzled by his manner of speaking +and stung to the quick by what he said. + +"What are you going to do now," his father demanded after a while. + +A long pause followed during which Keith's brain worked at lightning +speed. It was as if he had never known until then what really had +happened during the weeks preceding commencement. + +"I'll pass the examinations in the fall," he said at last. + +"Will you give me your word of honour to read hard during the summer," +his father asked, and his voice set the boy's heart throbbing like +an engine. + +"I will," replied Keith. "But I could pass those examinations without +looking at the book." + +"The more shame for you, then, to let yourself be plucked," was his +father's concluding remark, but even that was uttered without a +suggestion of bitterness. + + + +XI + +The summer was spent on the mainland opposite the island where they used +to live. He had practically no companionship except that of his mother. +It was very dull, but for the first time he seemed to need solitude. He +had brought out all his schoolbooks, and he really did a good deal of +studying, especially of Latin, which he knew was his weakest point. + +At first he felt a slight grudge against the mother. She had +disappointed him for one thing, and there was an inclination besides to +hold her responsible for his misfortune. By degrees, however, he began +to see his own part in its true light, and he wondered how he could have +been such a blind fool. It was this understanding that brought him +comparative peace and enabled him to work. He had been so harassed by +the question of guilt in regard to actions which his own mind would +never have classed as wrong that the sense of facing punishment clearly +deserved came as a genuine relief. + +The monotony of the season was only broken by a visit to the summer home +of Aunt Agda at Laurel Grove, where he stayed a whole week and made a +lot of friends. She had served with the Wellanders as a nurse girl when +Keith was only a baby. Then she was plain Agda, and Keith's mother often +spoke of how crazy she had been about him. Then she disappeared, and +when the Wellanders next heard of her, she was the wife of a well-to-do +retired merchant, to whom she had borne three children while she was +merely a servant and his first wife still lived. Keith had often +overheard his parents speak of Agda's phenomenal rise with ironic +smiles, but he didn't care for anything except her continued inclination +to spoil him. + +There was a lot of children at Laurel Grove, boys and girls, and most +of them matched Keith in age. They took him in, and in that one week he +had a glimpse of the kind of life he would have liked to live. There was +in particular one boy, Arnold Kruse, for whom Keith formed a warm +attachment. This feeling was additionally cemented by Arnold's choice of +Keith as a confidant. Arnold was in love with the prettiest girl in the +place, Gurlie Norlin, and so was every other boy within reach of Laurel +Grove. But Arnold was the favourite, and he told Keith that he and +Gurlie had agreed to wait for each other and to marry as soon as they +were of age. + +It was like a fairy tale to Keith--a wonderful tale like no one he had +ever read. And the most wonderful thing about it was that it was real, +and that he was permitted to play a sort of part in it. His thoughts +went back to Oscar and what he had told Keith about the love between +Oscar's father and mother. Here was love again, mystically beautiful, so +that it brought a new light into the faces of those it touched. And +Keith's heart grew lonely and wistful within him. But strangely enough, +he never thought of connecting Arnold's love for Gurlie with what he had +read in the book found in his father's book case. That was quite a +different thing, he felt. + + + +XII + +The presiding genius of the examinations was Lector Booklund, teacher of +Latin in Lower and Upper Sixth. He was short and stocky and gnarled by +gout. Instead of speaking, he emitted a series of verbal explosives, and +the boy whose answers didn't come quick enough became the object of +withering scorn. Most of his life seemed concentrated in his eyes where +twinkling merriment and blazing anger alternated with bewildering +rapidity. He posed as a tyrant, but the boys who knew him well said that +at heart he was as kind as he was just, and that his nervous impatience +and bursts of rage were merely the results of severe physical +sufferings. + +The moment he caught sight of Keith among the boys up for examination, +most of whom hailed from other schools, he became interested and began +to draw him out. And Keith was able to respond with some of his old-time +quickwittedness. His ambition had been stirred into a semblance of life +through the shock of his failure, while the summer's rest and peace had +brought back some of his natural vivacity. The inner conflict was still +a source of trouble, but it did not seem quite so much a matter of life +and death. He had not yet passed the crisis, but he had reached a point +where a little tactful nursing might put him on the right path again +for good. What he needed above all was encouragement, and that was what +he got for a while from the new class principal. + +He passed the examinations with ease. Then the sense of being a favoured +pupil once more made him throw himself into the studies with +considerable zest. Little by little, however, his zest slacked off. More +and more frequently he became the object of blame or ridicule instead of +praise. By and by Lector Booklund found it hard to ask him a question or +give him a direction without open display of irritation. It was evident +that he felt disappointed in Keith, and he did not hesitate to show it. + +Many causes combined to produce the slump in Keith's aspirations that in +its turn produced the changed attitude of the teacher. The latter's +impatience had probably as much to do with it as anything else, while +his splenetic manners and speech intimidated the boy's already +overwrought sensitiveness. The subjects taught and the form of the +teachings did their share, too. Grammar and rules and dry data seemed to +play a greater part than ever. In Latin, for instance, they were reading +Ovid's "_Metamorphoses_" and the colourful old legends might easily have +been used to arouse the boy's interest, if attention had merely been +concentrated on the stories told and the life revealed by them. But the +teacher was first and last a grammarian, and he would wax frantically +enthusiastic over some subtle syntactic distinction which left Keith +peevishly indifferent. And Lector Booklund was positively jealous on +behalf of his own subject, so that once he flung a bitingly sarcastic +remark at the boy because his attention had flared up at the quoting of +a phrase in English. + +Keith's progress in English showed that he was still capable of both +interest and effort. This language was quite new to him, and the class +had it only one hour a week. But the man who taught it had advanced +ideas for his day, and instead of boring the boys with a lot of abstract +rules relating to a wholly unknown tongue, he let them start right in on +one of the English prose classics. They were told to pick out the +meaning of the principal words in advance, and the pronunciation was +explained as they took turns at reading aloud. All the time the teacher +kept the principal part of their attention focused on the story +gradually revealed. During that one hour a week Keith's mind never +wandered. But it was the only rift in the scholastic fog that kept him +in a state of constant boredom. + +In the meantime things were happening at home that did not help the +situation. + + + +XIII + +He had moved into the parlour at last. It was almost his own room. An +old piece of furniture, half wardrobe and half dresser, standing in the +vestibule outside the parlour, had been turned over to him for good. His +library and his playthings were installed on the shelves in the upper +part. His personal things occupied a whole drawer below. At night he +slept on the big sofa, and the door to his parents' room was closed. + +One night he lay awake unusually long. The old struggle was going on +within him, and there was no peace in sight. His parents had gone to bed +a good while ago, and as far as he was concerned just then, they had +practically ceased to exist. + +Then his attention was attracted by a slight noise from their room. The +stillness of the night made it audible to him in spite of the closed +door. At first he listened out of idle curiosity, and to get away from +his own feverish thoughts. Finally he got up without any clear idea of +what he was doing, or why he did it. He began to tremble even as he +moved on tip-toe across the room. At the door he had to kneel down to +steady himself. + +He could not tell whether an hour or a minute had passed when he crawled +into bed again. His whole body was on fire. He could feel the pulses at +his temples hammering. At that moment he knew what passion was. The man +in him had been let loose, and he wanted to cry aloud with the +bitter-sweet agony of it. + +There was no thought of father or mother in his mind. The people back of +the door were just a man and a woman. The feelings that surged through +his heart, shaking his body volcanically, would have been the same if +those two had been perfect strangers. + +No jealousy stirred him. No sense of shame shocked him. His dominant +emotion was envy. + +The visit of death had left him unmoved. Now he had been as close to +life in its most intense form, and the effect of it was maddening--a +call that seemed to make further waiting worse than death. + +He fell asleep at last with a part of the pillow stuffed into his mouth +to keep his sobs from being heard in the next room.... + + + +XIV + +The thing had him by the throat. It was stronger than any power he could +bring to bear against it. Fighting it was useless. Resistance meant +merely prolonged torture. Surrender meant sleep--and torture of a +different kind the next day. + +Once more he managed to get hold of the book that had wrought such +disastrous change in his entire existence. He read again the chapters +bearing directly on his own case. They seemed more convincing than ever. +There could be no doubt of his degradation or his doom. + + + +XV + +He came running home from some errand one evening not long before +Christmas. His mind was more at ease than it had been for a long time. +That season of the year rarely failed to bring him a little happiness. + +The moment he flung open the kitchen door, he knew that something was +wrong, and his heart sank within him. + +The mother stood in the middle of the floor wringing her hands. Granny +sat on the sofa, stolid-faced as usual, and rolled one of her endless +bandages. On the chair by the window sat the father, his shoulder +against the wall, his left elbow on the table, and his head resting in +his left hand. + +Keith could hardly believe what he saw. + +His father's face was contorted with pain or grief. Big tears rolled +down his cheeks and dropped on the table before him. Every little while +he was shaken by a sob that almost choked him. + +"Is he sick," the boy gasped. + +"Something dreadful has happened," the mother stammered, unable to take +her eyes off her husband. + +"You had better go into the parlour, Keith," whispered Granny as she +started on a new roll. + +Keith turned his glance once more to the father. He had never seen a man +cry before, and until that moment such a lack of control on the part of +his father had seemed quite unimaginable. The strangeness of it +frightened him. + +"I fear it will kill him," he heard his mother mutter. + +"I wish it would," the father broke out, raising his head for a moment. +"But it won't, Anna.... I'll be over it in a minute." + +His words were forced out between sobs. Keith saw that he was struggling +terribly to get himself in hand. + +Then he caught sight of Keith, whose entrance he evidently had not +noticed, and as usual the presence of the boy brought back the +self-restraint for which he had been striving vainly until then. + +"Keith," he said, speaking much more quietly, "your Uncle Wilhelm has +been arrested for using money that didn't belong to him. I can't believe +it, but I am sure they will send him to jail.... You must always +remember what I have told you about money...." + +His own words seemed to bring back to him the full horror of the +situation, and he threw himself face downward over the table in another +convulsive outburst of grief. + +Granny on the sofa was signalling frantically to Keith to leave the +room. Mechanically he obeyed her. Anything was better than to watch his +father.... + + + +XVI + +Little by little he learned the whole sad story. At the same time he +realized that Christmas would probably be spoiled--the one thing he had +banked on for momentary relief. + +Once upon a time Uncle Wilhelm had been the most prosperous member of +the family, owning a big, fine grocery store in the fashionable North +End district. He made a lot of money, but his wife was vain and foolish +and pleasure-loving. She always managed to spend more than he could ever +earn, and he was idiotically in love with her. It ended in bankruptcy. +Uncle Wilhelm got a position as superintendent of a small factory in +the South End. There he might have done very well in a more modest way, +had not his wife proceeded to turn his life into a perfect hell. This +was her way of punishing him for his failure to support her in the style +she demanded. He was weak in more ways than one, and soon he drank not +merely for the sake of a good time, as everybody else did, but to find +consolation and forgetfulness. His private affairs went from bad to +worse. Gradually he lost the habit of distinguishing between his own +meagre funds and those entrusted to him. It was a clear case, and his +employer proved merciless when it was found out. + +What Keith's father had feared came true. And that Christmas was more +sad than any other part of any other year had ever been. + + + +XVII + +It would have been hard on Keith at any time. Coming as it did, the +family disgrace, which he guessed rather than grasped, and the +disappointment, which was a depressingly tangible thing, brought his +natural sensitiveness to a morbid pitch. + +There was one idea that haunted him day and night--the idea that he +belonged to a race doomed in advance to decay and destruction. + +Uncle Wilhelm's case was not an isolated one. There was Uncle Henrik, +the youngest brother of Keith's father, who had gone to the dogs while +still a youth, and in a more ignominious fashion, if possible. What was +he now but a besotted tramp, begging shamelessly of friend or stranger +for a few _öre_ with which to buy a brief moment of coarse happiness? + +There was Uncle Marcus, the husband of Keith's paternal aunt, who had +hurt his leg in a storm and lost his splendid position as chief engineer +of the swiftest steamer plying on the Northern route. Now he was +disabled for ever, and proud Aunt Brita was at her wit's end to keep the +home and the family together. + +There were the two half-brothers of Uncle Wilhelm's silly wife--popular +and dashing young fellows reading blithely the purple path to +destruction. Even Keith's naïve mind had discovered which way they were +headed, although his thoughts of them were not free from admiration. + +And there were still others. Wherever he turned within the narrowing +family circle, he met similar instances of progress in the wrong +direction. Some were sinners and some were victims of fate--or seemed +so--but it came to the same thing in the end. + +"The Wellanders are going," Keith's mother said one day to Aunt Brita +when she was too depressed and worried to mind the boy's presence. + +"Yes," replied Aunt Brita grimly, "and so is everybody else who ever had +anything to do with them. Keith will have to start it all over again +from the beginning." + +That seemed to settle it for the moment. Of what avail could his own +feeble struggles be in the face of an adverse destiny? + +He brooded over it, and out of his brooding came resentment, and more +and more this resentment turned against his relatives in a fury of +disgust. He had a feeling of their having betrayed him.... + +Now and then, however, one of the expressions used by Aunt Brita would +recur to him with a suggestion of quite different possibilities. + +"Keith will have to start it all over again from the beginning," she had +said. + + + +XVIII + +If he only had some one to talk to.... But he was more lonely than ever. +Murray had moved to another part of the city, more in keeping with his +father's increasing prosperity, and was now attending a North End +school. They had parted with no more ado than if they had expected to +meet the next day again. Now and then Keith thought of Murray with a +touch of sentimental regret, but it was wearing off. + +Johan was still found at the foot of the lane, smoking and bragging and +leering as before. To Keith he had become positively loathsome. + +There was no one else in sight--not one boy in the class out of whom +Keith might hope to make a friend. Leaving other factors aside, his lack +of pocket money was sufficient to keep him apart from the rest. They all +had some sort of allowance, however scant, and they took turns treating +each other to pastry or candy bought from a couple of old women who +brought basketfuls, to the school doors during every pause. He had to +beg especially for every _öre_, he couldn't get much at that. + +He wore a suit made over by his mother from clothes given to her by a +woman of some means with whom she had a slight acquaintance. They had +been outgrown by that woman's son, and they had been offered to Keith's +mother because they were too good to be thrown away. There was nothing +about it to be ashamed of, and the made-over suit was neat enough, +though a little awkwardly cut. A couple of years earlier, Keith would +have hailed it with delight. Now the wearing of it seemed worse than +going about naked. He thought that every one noticed the suit and knew +that it was not really meant for him. + +He read contempt in every glance, and by degrees he developed a temper +that was checked only by the humiliating consciousness of his physical +inferiority. After nearly five years in school, he was still one of the +smallest boys in height and bodily development, and neither gymnastics +nor the military drill that became compulsory in the sixth grade had the +slightest effect on him. And, of course, he suffered the more from it +because he ascribed his lack of stature and muscle to what he had now +begun to think of as his own moral weakness. + +A petty quarrel one day brought on another fight with Bauer, and this +time right in the class room. They rolled around on the floor between +the desks and separated only when some one cried out that Booklund was +coming. Keith was thoroughly aware of the fact that his classmates +regarded their behaviour as inexcusably undignified in pupils of the +Lower Sixth, but contrary to custom, he didn't care very much. What +almost made him cry was that the thought that at the moment of +separation Bauer once more was on top of him--just as when their first +fight came to an end five years earlier. And then Keith was brought +still nearer to tears by his disgusted realization of that infantile +tendency to cry in every moment of unusual strain. + +But, of course, how could he expect anything else? + +His whole bearing changed gradually. The gay forwardness that had caused +Dally to make fun of him--and like him, perhaps--was quite gone, but +gone, too, was the shyness that always had run side by side with it. His +most frequent mood was one of irritable rebellion, and in between he +would have spells of sulkiness that estranged the teachers and surprised +himself in his more wholesome moods. He snarled to his mother, and he +would have done so to his father if he had only dared. + +The school seemed sheer torture much of the time, and all its +objectionable features seemed to centre in the Latin. His hatred of that +subject approached an obsession. There was no doubt that Lector Booklund +could feel it, and every day he watched Keith with more undisguised +hostility. At last he could not speak to the boy without losing his +temper, and so for days at a time he would not speak to him at all. At +such times Keith's state of mind presented a riddle hard to solve. He +posed to himself and others as tremendously gratified at being left +alone and not having to answer any bothersome questions. Inwardly, +however, he was more hurt and offended by that neglect than by any other +rebuke the teacher could have devised. + +Such a period of suspended communication had lasted more than a week, +when, at the wane of the term, the inevitable explosion +finally occurred. + + + +XIX + +The class had just turned in their copybooks with a Latin exercise +prepared at home. Lector Booklund was standing at his desk with the +whole pile in front of him. Keith's book happened to be on top. The +teacher opened it. He sent a glance at Keith that made the boy squirm. +Then, as his eyes ran down the page, his face turned almost purple. +Suddenly he raised the book over his head and threw it on the floor with +such force that the cover was torn off. + +A moment of ominous silence followed. Keith was red up to the roots of +his hair. + +"Wellander," the teacher roared. + +Keith rose none too quickly from his seat without looking up. + +"Pick up that thing," Lector Booklund shouted at him with the full force +of his powerful lungs. "I don't want to touch it again." + +Keith remained like a statue, feeling now as if he didn't have a drop of +blood left in his whole body. + +"Pick it up, I tell you!" + +"No," Keith retorted in a strangely self-possessed voice, "you had +better pick it up yourself. I didn't throw it on the floor." + +In another moment the teacher was beside Keith, burying his hand in the +boy's hair. Then he pulled and shook, shook and pulled, until the hand +came away with big tufts of hair showing between the fingers. + +Again absolute silence reigned for a moment. + +"Ugh," blew the teacher, his anger changed to a look of embarrassment. +"I am not going to speak another word to you, Wellander, during the rest +of the term. Sit down!" + +Instead of sitting down, Keith walked over to the torn copy book, picked +it up and turned toward Lector Booklund. + +"I am going home," he announced almost triumphantly. "You have no right +to hit me or pull my hair out by the roots." + +Before the teacher had recovered from his surprise Keith was outside the +door and on his way home. + +He didn't know afterwards how he got there, but he could remember saying +to himself over and over again: + +"I didn't cry and I didn't want to cry!" + + + +XX + +He told his mother truthfully what had happened and declared in +conclusion that he would never go back to school again. + +She was furious with the teacher and thought that on the whole, it +would be safer for Keith to stay away during the few weeks remaining +of the term. + +"That man should be punished," she cried repeatedly. "You did just +right." + +But the father spoke in another tone when he, in his turn, had heard the +tale of that eventful day. + +"You will go to school tomorrow as usual," he said in his sternest +voice. "You had no right to refuse to pick up the book, and you had no +right to leave the school without permission." + +"I can't go back after being treated like that, papa," Keith +remonstrated, trying vainly to make his tone sound firm. + +"You will," the father reiterated, "or I'll...." + +He stopped and thought for a minute. + +"Or you'll begin to learn a trade tomorrow. Take your choice." + +Father and son looked long at each other. + +"Carl ..." the mother began pleadingly. + +"Please, Anna," the father checked her. "This is too serious. The boy's +future is at stake." + +Then he turned to Keith and said more kindly: "I ask you to go for my +sake." + +"I will," the boy blurted out with a little catch in his voice. + +His pride was broken, and once more those everlasting tears were dimming +his eyes. + +He felt weak and helpless, but through his dejection broke now and then +a sense of pleasant warmth. His father had asked him to go "for +his sake." + +Such a thing had never happened before. + + + +XXI + +The class was discreetly preoccupied when Keith showed up as usual next +morning. Only Young Bauer evinced a slight inclination to taunt him, but +was curtly hushed up. + +During one of the afternoon hours the door of the classroom opened +unexpectedly and Keith's father appeared on the threshold. + +"Will you pardon me for just one moment, Sir," he said to the astonished +teacher. Then, without coming further into the room, he addressed +himself to Keith: "I have had a talk with the Rector and with Lector +Booklund. I have heard all about your behaviour in school, and I warn +you now that unless you do better, I shall give you the treatment you +deserve. Bear that in mind." + +Then he vanished as abruptly as he had appeared. + +A couple of the boys snickered. The teacher rapped sharply on the table +with the book he held in his hand. + +Keith sat absolutely still with bowed head. He couldn't think. He didn't +dare to think of ever facing one of those other boys again. And suddenly +it occurred to him that his father had looked quite common, like a +workman almost, while he stood there at the door, talking across the +room to Keith. + +But a tiny voice somewhere within himself denied it. + + + +XXII + +The term dragged to an end. + +Commencement Day was no longer a cause of joyful anticipation. It had to +be borne like many other things. But it did mark the end. + +Keith learned without much heartbreaking that he had got a "C" not +merely in Latin, which he expected, but in behaviour as well--he who all +through his school period had never had less than "A" on his +personal conduct. + +Well, it merely clinched the decision he already had formed. One could +not pass any examination in behaviour. And after what had happened, the +thought of going back to the same classroom in the fall gave him a +sensation of outright physical discomfort. Anything was better +than school. + +Not even his mother had put in an attendance that day. He had to walk +home by himself, all the other boys being accompanied by pleased or +resigned parents. But it was in keeping with the rest of what he had to +go through. + +Out of the midst of the shapeless throng of dark thoughts filling his +head, a quite irrelevant memory pushed to the front as if in answer to +an unspoken question. It consisted of the words spoken by Aunt Brita: + +"Keith will have to start it all over again from the beginning." + + + +XXIII + +The first few days after the closing of the school were wonderfully +restful. The parents proved remarkably forbearing. Neither one spoke a +word of reproach. Nothing was said about the future. It was as if some +sort of fear had checked them. + +The home seemed unusually quiet and pleasant. There was any amount of +time for reading, and no suggestions were forthcoming as to what should +or should not be read. Yet Keith remained satisfied only a few days. + +No one knows what might have happened if they had gone into the country +for the summer as they used to do. But again the whole family had to +stay in town for some reason not divulged to Keith. And with the heat +and the sunshine came the usual restlessness. + +Keith had made up his mind not to go back to school. He was equally +determined not to let himself be forced into any sort of manual work. +Besides having no knack for it, he had come to look upon it as a social +disgrace. Some other work must be found, for well enough he knew that +his father would not let him stay home indefinitely doing nothing. + +It was easy, however, to make up one's mind about what not to do, but +mighty hard to discover the right kind of thing to do. Keith had no clue +to start with at all, and to begin with all his efforts led him into the +blindest of blind alleys. + +He plagued his mother with inquiries to which she had few or no answers +to give. He even deigned to consult Johan and found that he already had +found a place as errandboy in a store. A few questions convinced Keith +that such a life might be good enough for Johan but not for a boy who, +after all, had reached Lower Sixth in a public school. + +The situation was becoming desperate and Keith was watching his father +with steadily increasing concern, when at last a helpful hint reached +him from the most unexpected quarter. + +"Why don't you look in the paper," Granny asked him one day. + +"What for," was Keith's surprised counter-question. + +"For work, of course. Look at the advertisements on the back page." + +"Do you think, Granny...." Keith hesitated. + +"I don't think," retorted Granny. "I know." + + + +XXIV + +Three weeks had gone. It was still early morning, and he was studying a +newspaper very carefully. + +"What is it you find so interesting," his mother asked at last. + +"The advertisements," he explained without taking his eyes off the +paper. + +"What advertisements?" + +"Help wanted." + +"Nonsense," she cried, putting down her sewing. "Are you still thinking +of leaving school?" + +"Here is one about a volunteer wanted in a wholesale office," was his +indirect reply. "It is on West Long street--in the same house where Aunt +Gertrude has her jewelry store. Do volunteers get paid?" + +"I don't know," his mother said absent-mindedly, her hands resting on +her lap in unwonted idleness. Then she woke up as from a dream: "You +should ask papa first." + +"What's the use until I know whether I can get," Keith parried. + +Ten minutes later he bustled into Aunt Gertrude's store, where she sat +in a corner near the big show-window working at a strip of embroidery +that never got finished. She was a spinster with large black hungry eyes +in a very white face. She and Keith's mother had been girl friends. Now +she was running one of the two jewelry stores owned by her brother. + +She had heard of the position. It was in the office of Herr Brockhaus on +the second floor--a dealer in tailor's supplies. And she had heard that +he was a very nice man. + +"Do you think I can get it," Keith demanded eagerly. + +"Why don't you run up this minute and ask," she suggested. + +Keith looked as if he had been to jump off a church steeple. But in +another minute he was climbing the stairs. His legs seemed rather shaky +and his tongue felt like a piece of wood. The moment he opened the door, +however, all his fears and hesitations were gone. Once more he was the +old Keith who had made a play of studies and examinations. + +Herr Brockhaus was a tall, youngish, good-looking man, a little haughty +of mien, but with a tendency to smile in quite friendly fashion. + +"I have as good as hired another boy who got here earlier than you," he +said in reply to Keith's inquiry. On seeing Keith's dejected look, he +laughed good-humouredly. + +"There are plenty of other jobs," he suggested. + +"But you look as if you would be kind to me and give to a chance to +learn," Keith heard himself saying to his own intense astonishment. + +"I can see that when you want a thing you want it real hard," Herr +Brockhaus rejoined with another peasant laugh. "Well, I like that. What +kind of a hand do you write?" + +"Awful," Keith confessed, "but I am going to learn better." + +For a good long while Keith felt himself studied from top to toe, and +under that searching scrutiny he blushed as usual. + +"I am willing to do anything that is required," he ventured to ease the +suspense. + +"All right--what did you say your name was? Keith--I'll take you, and +tell the other boy that I changed my mind. When can you begin?" + +"Tod ... tomorrow," Keith corrected himself with a sudden remembrance +of his father. + +"Good," said Herr Brockhaus. "Show up at eight. And I'll pay you ten +crowns a month the first year, although as a rule volunteers don't get +anything." + +Keith walked home on air. The sun never shone more brightly than that +day. The tall old stone houses along West Long street looked imposing +and mysterious, as if they had been magic mansions full of golden +opportunities for bright little boys. School seemed years away already. +Lector Booklund was a dream. + +His mother listened in silence to his wonderful tale. Then she kissed +him. + +"When you have made a lot of money, will you present me with a new black +silk dress," she asked with a suspicious lustre in her eyes. + +"Anything you want, mamma," he promised solemnly. "When I begin to make +money, you'll never have to worry any more about anything." + +Again she had to kiss him. + +He was then a little more than halfway through his fifteenth year. + + + +XXV + +When his father came home that night, Keith hurried across the room to +meet him. "Papa," he cried full of subdued excitement and a swelling of +self-importance such as he had not experienced for ever so long. "I have +got a job." + +"What kind of a job," asked the father quietly. + +"In an office." And Keith sputtered out the details. + +When the whole story was told, the father stood looking at him +enigmatically for a long while. + +"Perhaps it is just as well," he said at last. "It certainly will make +things easier for me. But bear in mind what I now tell you, boy: you +will live to regret the chance you are throwing away--a chance for which +I would have given one of my hands when I was of your age." + +"Did you want me to go on," Keith asked uncertainly. + +"I did--I always hoped that you should pass your university examinations +and wear the white cap." + +"And what did you want me to become?" + +"A civil engineer--that's the only real profession today." + +The idea was too novel to be grasped quickly by the boy. His own +thoughts had never strayed in that direction, and his conception of an +engineer's duties and position was extremely vague. + +"An engineer," he repeated. "But then I should not have studied Latin." + +"Of course not, but you chose it without asking my opinion first." + +Keith's surprise increased. + +"Why didn't you tell me," he insisted. + +"Because I wanted you to begin to shape your own life," the father +replied, "and I thought you knew what you wanted." + +Keith could hardly believe his own ears. + +"What do you want me to do now," he pleaded at last. + +"What you feel you must," rejoined the father. "This concerns your +life, and not mine. And you must make up your own mind. Whatever you +decided, you have my good wishes, boy, and I shall try to help you as +far as I can." + +For a moment Keith had a sense of never having known his father before. +Then a thought flashed through his head: why did he not speak before? + +He went into the parlour and stood at the window staring at the gloomy +facade of the distillers across the lane. A motley throng of thoughts +chased each other through his brain. + +It was not yet too late. Nothing was settled. He could still drop the +job and go back to school if he wanted. But did he want it? + +The thought of school sent a slight shiver down his spine. + +No, he was sick of it, of the teachers, of the tedious books, of the +boys who looked down upon him and kept him at arm's length all the time, +of everything that had made up his life for the last few years. + +He wanted change. He must have it. + +Above all else, he wanted to be free, he wanted to do as he pleased, and +now he had found a way to it, he believed. + +At that moment it seemed to him that his childhood suddenly had come to +an end, that his manhood had begun, and that all life lay open +before him. + +THE END. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Soul of a Child, by Edwin Bjorkman + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12283 *** |