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diff --git a/old/12262.txt b/old/12262.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e338b55 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12262.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1598 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, +Sept. 27, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, Sept. 27, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 4, 2004 [EBook #12262] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +September 27, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XIX.--THE SERVANT OF SOCIETY. + +The Servant of Society is one who, having in early life abdicated +every claim to independent thought or action, is content to attach +himself to the skirts and coat-tails of the great, and to exist for +a long time as a mere appendage in mansions selected by the unerring +instinct of a professional tuft-hunter. It is as common a mistake to +suppose that all tuft-hunters are necessarily of lowly birth and of +inferior social position, as it is to believe them all to be offensive +in manner and shallow in artifice. The coarse but honest Snob still +perhaps exists, and here and there he thrusts and pushes in the old +familiar way; but more often than not the upstart who has won his +way to wealth and consideration finds himself to his own surprise +courted and fawned upon by those whose boots his abilities would +have fitted him to black, and his disposition prompted him to lick. +Noble sportsmen are proud to be seen in his company, aristocratic +guinea-pigs are constantly in his pocket in the congenial society +of the great man's purse, art willingly reproduces his features, +journalism enthusiastically commemorates his adventures, and even +Royalty does not thrust away a votary whose ministrations are as +acceptable as they are readily performed. Without much effort on his +own part he is raised to pinnacles which he imagined impossible of +access, and soon learns to look down with a contempt that might spring +of ancient lineage and assured merit, upon the hungry crowd whose cry +is that of the daughter of the horse-leech. + +But the genuine Servant of Society is of a different stamp. Ordinarily +he is of a good family, and of a competence which both differs from +and resembles his general character in being possessed at once of the +attributes of modesty and assurance. From an early age he will have +been noted for the qualities which in after-life render him humbly +celebrated in subordinate positions. At school he will have had +the good fortune to be attached as fag to a big boy who occupied an +important place as an athlete, and whose condescending smiles were +naturally an object of greater ambition to the small fry than the +approval of the school authorities. For him he performed with much +assiduity the various duties of a fag, happy to shine amongst his +companions as the recipient of the great boy's favours. To play the +jackal without incurring universal dislike is (at school) no very +easy task, but he accomplishes it with discretion and with a natural +aptitude that many maturer jackals might envy. + +[Illustration] + +At the age of seventeen he is withdrawn from school. His own +marked disinclination saves him from a military career, and he is +subsequently sent to pass a year or two upon the Continent of Europe, +in order that he may first of all pass the examination for the +Diplomatic Service, and subsequently foil foreign statesmen with their +own weapons, and in their own language. Returning, he secures his +nomination, and faces the Examiners. Providence, however, reserves him +for lower things. The Examiners triumph, and the career of the Servant +of Society begins in earnest. The position of his parents secures for +him an entrance into good houses. He is a young man of great tact and +of small accomplishments. He can warble a song, aid a great lady to +organise a social festivity, lead a cotillon, order a dinner, and help +to eat it, act in amateur theatricals, and recommend French novels to +inquiring matrons. His manners are always easy, and his conversation +has that spice of freedom which renders it specially acceptable in +the boudoirs of the smart. The experience of a few years makes plain +to him that, in social matters, the serious person goes down before +the trifler. He therefore cultivates flippancy as a fine art, and +becomes noted for a certain cheap cynicism, which he sprinkles like a +quasi-intellectual pepper over the strong meat of risky conversation. +Moreover, he is constantly self-satisfied, and self-possessed. Yet +he manages to avoid giving offence by occasionally assuming a gentle +humility of manner, to which he almost succeeds in imparting a natural +air, and he studiously refrains from saying or doing anything which, +since it may cause other men to provoke him, may possibly result in +his being forced to pretend that he himself has been ruffled. Yet it +must be added that he is always thoroughly harmless. He flutters about +innumerable dovecots, without ever fluttering those who dwell in them, +and, in course of time, he comes to be known and accepted everywhere +as a useful man. As might be supposed, he is never obtrusively manly. +The rough pursuits of the merely athletic repel him, yet he has the +knack of assuming an interest where he feels it not, and is able to +prattle quite pleasantly about sports in which he takes little or no +active part. At the same time it must be admitted that he holds a gun +fairly straight, and does not disgrace himself when the necessity +of slaughtering a friend's pheasants interrupts for a few hours the +rehearsals of private theatricals, in company with the friend's wife. +Certainly he is not a fool. He gauges with great accuracy his own +capacities, and carefully limits his ambition to those smaller desires +which, since they exact no vaulting power, are never likely to bring +about a fall on the other side. The objects of his admiration are +mean; and since he meanly admires them, he comes quite naturally under +the Thackerayan definition of a Snob. + +Whilst he is still a year or two on the fair side of thirty, it may +happen that a turn of the political wheel will bring into high office +a statesman who is quite willing to be served by those who are able +to make themselves useful to him, without exacting from them solidity +either of character or of attainments. With him the Servant of +Society, with an instinct that does credit to his discernment, will +have established friendly relations. The politician was first amused +and then impressed by his versatility; now, having the opportunity, +he offers to him the position of Assistant Private Secretary (unpaid), +and it is scarcely necessary to say that the young man accepts it +with a gratitude which proves that he believes his patron capable +of conferring further favours. From this time forward he begins to +abandon the merely frivolous air that has hitherto distinguished him. +He lays in a mixed stock of solemnity, mystery, and importance, and +occasionally awes the friends of his flippant days by assuming the +reticent look and the shake of the head of one who is marked off from +common mortals by the possession of secrets the revelation of which +might, perhaps, imperil the peace of the world. In country-houses, +in London drawing-rooms, and at Clubs, where he had hitherto been +mentioned with a laugh as "Little So-and-So," he comes to be talked +of as "So-and-So--of course you know him--Lord BLANK'S Private +Secretary." Thus he becomes quite a personage. But he is far from +abandoning the _role_ of Servant of Society. Indeed, he only enlarges +and glorifies the scope of his ministrations, without in any way +ceasing to cultivate those smaller trifles which stood him in such +good stead at the outset of his career. He now has the satisfaction +of seeing many of those who desire anything that a Cabinet Minister +can give, cringing to one whom they despise, and who rejoices in the +knowledge that he can afford to patronise them, and perhaps crush them +by obtaining for them that which they want. + +When, in the course of a few years, Lord BLANK'S party ceases to +direct the government of the country, his Assistant Private Secretary +follows him into the cold shade of adversity and opposition, and +stands by him with exemplary usefulness and fidelity. But, though he +is often pressed, he never contests a constituency, feeling, perhaps, +that it is impossible to serve both Society and the Caucus. In time +his name becomes the common property of all Society journals--his +biography is published in one, his discreet service is extolled in +another, while a third goes so far as to hint that, if the truth were +known, it would be found that the various departments of the State +could not possibly carry on their affairs without his enlightened +counsel. He adopts an antique fashion of dress, in order to emphasise +his personality. He wears a stock, and a very wide-brimmed hat, and +carries a bunch of seals dangling from a fob. + +At forty-five he marries the daughter of a powerful Peer, and, shortly +afterwards, insures so much of the favour of Royalty as to be spoken +of as a _persona grata_ at Court. Henceforward his services are often +employed in delicate negotiations, which may necessitate the climbing +of many back-stairs. On such occasions, and after it has been +announced in the papers that "Mr. So-and-so was the bearer of an +important communication" from one great person to another, it is his +custom to show himself in his Clubs and in crowded haunts, so that he +may enjoy the pleasure of being pointed out, _digita praetereuntium_, +and of catching the whispers of those who nudge one another as they +mention his name. + +Finally, it will be rumoured that he has been collecting materials for +the Memoirs which he proposes shortly to publish. But though he never +disclaims the intention, and is even understood, on more than one +occasion, to allude in conversation to the precise period of his life +to which his writing has then brought him, it is quite certain that +he will never carry out the intention, or bring out the book. At +the age of sixty he will still be a young man, with a gay style of +banter peculiarly his own. Towards the end of his life he will often +talk darkly of great events in which he has played a part, and of +extraordinary services which only he could have performed; and when he +dies, the country will be called upon to mourn for one who has saved +it from social degradation, and from political disaster. + + * * * * * + +A PIG IN A POKE. + +[Illustration] + + [According to the _Standard_, by the new Meat Inspection Law, + just come into force in the United States, American cattle + and pigs for export to England, France, or Germany, are to be + inspected before leaving America, with a view to removing the + grounds of objection on the part of those Governments to the + unrestricted reception of these important American exports. + Should any foreign Government, fearful of pleuro-pneumonia + or trichinosis, refuse to trust to the infallibility of the + American inspectors, the President of the United States is + authorised to retaliate by directing that such products of + such foreign State as he may deem proper shall be excluded + from importation to the United States.] + + O SENATOR EDMONDS, of verdant Vermont, + Of wisdom you may be a marvellous font; + But you'll hardly get JOHN,--'tis too much of a joke!-- + To buy in your fashion a Pig in a Poke; + Which nobody can expect! + + To slaughter your Cattle when reaching our shore, + You probably think is no end of a bore; + But even your valiant Vermonters to please, + We cannot afford to spread Cattle-disease, + Which nobody can desire. + + A Yankee Inspector is all very fine, + But if pleuro-pneumonia crosses the line, + And with BULL'S bulls and heifers should play up the deuce, + A Yankee Inspector won't be of much use, + Which nobody can dispute. + + A Yankee Inspector you seem to suppose is + A buckler and barrier against trichinosis; + Bat trichinae pass without passports. Bacilli + And microbes that Yankee _might_ miss willy-nilly, + Which nobody can deny. + + Port-slaughter restrictions may limit your trade. + Well, your Tariffs Protective to help _us_ aren't made, + And we cannot run dangers to plump up your wealth, + Until you can show us a clean bill of health, + Which nobody can assert. + + And as to that cudgel tucked under your arm, + You fancy, perhaps, it will act as a charm. + No, JONATHAN! JOHN to your argument's dull, + And you will not convince him by cracking his skull, + Which nobody can suppose. + + The Gaul and the Teuton seem much of my mind, + And, despite your new Law, you will probably find + That Yankee Inspectors, plus menaces big, + Rehabilitate not the American Pig, + Which nobody can affirm. + + No, JONATHAN, JOHNNY feels no animosity, + He'd like, with yourself, to have true Reciprocity; + But neither your Law, nor a smart cudgel-stroke, + Will make him--or them--buy your Pig in a Poke-- + Which nobody can particularly + wonder at, after all; now can + they, JONATHAN? + + * * * * * + +"NOMINE MUTATO."--For some weeks there was a considerable amount of +correspondence in the _Times_, anent "Ecclesiastical Titles," which +suddenly disappeared. Was the topic resumed one day last week under +the new heading, "_The Symbolical Representation of Ciphers_?" + + * * * * * + +LATEST FROM THE LYCEUM.--With a view to supplying the entire world +with the current number, _Mr. Punch_ goes to press at a date too early +to permit of a criticism of _Ravenswood_. So he contents himself (for +the present) by merely recording that at the initial performance on +Saturday last all went as happily ("merrily," with so sombre a plot, +is _not_ the word) as a marriage-bell. There was a striking situation +towards the end of the drama which was both novel and interesting. Mr. +IRVING received and deserved a grand reception, and it was generally +admitted that amongst the many admirable impersonations for which MISS +ELLEN TERRY is celebrated, her _Bride of Lammermoor_ appropriately +"takes the cake!" + + * * * * * + +MY PRETTY JANE. + +(_LATEST VERSION_.) + + [It is said that the price of wheat and the marriage-rate go + together, most people getting married when wheat is highest.] + + My pretty JANE, my dearest JANE, + Ah, never look so shy, + But meet me, meet me in the market, + When the price of wheat rules high. + The glut is waning fast, my love, + And corn is getting dear; + Good (Hymen) times are coming, love, + Ceres our hearts shall cheer. + Then pretty JANE, though poorish JANE, + Ah, never pipe your eye, + But meet me, meet me at the Altar, + For the price of wheat rules high! + + Yes, name the day, the happy day, + I can afford the ring; + For corn rules high, the marriage rate + Mounts up like anything; + The "quarter" stands at fifty, love, + Which, for Mark Lane is dear. + Our wedding day is coming, love, + Our married course is clear. + Then, pretty JANE, if poorish JANE, + Ah, never look so shy; + But meet me, meet me at the Altar, + When the price of wheat rules high! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TAKEN ON TRUST. + +_Viscount Conamorey_ (_whose recollections of the antique are somewhat +hazy_). "AW--A--WHAT BEAUTIFUL ARMS AND HANDS YOU'VE GOT, MRS. +BOUNDER! THEY REMIND ME OF THE VENUS OF MILO'S!" + +_Mrs. B._ (_who has never even seen the Venus of Milo_). "_OH_! YOU +_FLATTERER_!"] + + * * * * * + +AN INVOCATION. + +(_BY A TOWN MOUSE._) + +[Illustration] + + Come back to Town! Why wander where + The snow-clad peaks arise? + Our English sunsets are as fair, + With red September skies. + Soft is the matutinal mist + Through which the trees loom brown; + Come back, if only to be kist,-- + Come back to Town! + + For evermore, in days like these, + When musing on your face, + My sad imagination sees + Another in my place. + Say, do you listen to his prayer, + Or slay him with a frown? + At any rate I can't be there. + Come back to Town! + + Why linger by some far-off lake + Or Continental strand? + St. Martin's Summer comes to make + A glory in the land. + The river runs a golden stream + Where WREN'S great dome looks down; + Thine eyes, methinks, have brighter gleam; + Come back to Town! + + I hear your voice upon the wind, + In dreamland you appear; + But do you wonder that I find + The day so long and drear? + _Lentis adhaerens brachiis_ come + Once more my life to crown; + Without thee 'tis too burdensome. + Come back to Town! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +AT AN AFTERNOON CALL. + +"_So glad to see you at last. Now don't let me interrupt your talk +with Mrs. VEREKER_;" i.e., "If I do, I shall be let in for being +button-holed." + +"_Do let me get you some tea--you must be dying for a cup_;" i.e., +"Know _I_ am." + +"_So sorry_--_I fear everything is cold. Do let me have some fresh tea +made for you_;" i.e., "He can't accept _that_ offer." + +IN A NON-SMOKING CARRIAGE. + +"_You don't mind my cigar, do you?_" i.e., "I know he does, but I'm +not going to waste it." + +(_Reply to the above query._) + +"_Oh, not at all!_" i.e., "Beastly thing! If he wasn't so confoundedly +selfish and stingy, he'd throw it away." + + * * * * * + +"I'M AFLOAT!" + +(NEWCASTLE-ON-TYNE VERSION.) + +[Illustration] + + I'm afloat, I'm afloat on the coaly black Tyne! + The draft licence sent me I begged to decline; + Though other chaps had 'em, they were not for me; + I prefer a free flag, on the strictest Q.T. + A sly "floating factory" thus I set up + (I'm a mixture of RUPERT the Rover and KRUPP). + At Jarrow Slake moored, my trim wherry or boat + I rejoiced in, and sung "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" + For quick-firing guns ammunition I made, + Engaging (says FORD) in the contraband trade. + An inquest _was_ held, but its verdict cleared _me_. + I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free! + + I fear not the Government, heed not its law. + Much rumpus is made, we shall hear lots of jaw: + An explosion took place on October the third, + My sly "floating factory" blew up like a bird. + It killed one poor fellow, and damaged a lot, + But I am a Great Gun, and got off like a shot; + Indeed all were well, but for cold Colonel FORD, + Who blames _me_, the Rover! Too bad, on my word! + The Pirate of Elswick shall not be the sport + of a fussy Commission's ill-tempered Report. + To bring me to book is all fiddlededee-- + I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free! + + I contraband, careless? Why, everyone owns + _That_ is natural, 'neath the black flag and cross-bones. + No mere paltry maker of fireworks am I, + But a Rover who's free, whose sole roof is the sky. + The law of the land may the petty appal. + But frighten the Rover? Oh no, not at all! + And ne'er to Commissions or Colonels I'll yield, + Whilst there's Black Tyne to back me or Whitehall to shield. + Unfurl the Black Flag! shake its folds to the wind! + And I'll warrant we'll soon leave sea-lawyers behind. + Up, up with the flag! Pirate's licence for me! + I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free! + + * * * * * + +DEFINITION OF MILITARY MANOEUVRES.--"Peace-work." + +DARWINITES.--"The Evolutionary Squadron." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Speaking of _Reynart the Fox_, I was made, by a slip of the printer's +hand--I am accustomed to seeing slips _from_ his hand, which is quite +another thing--to say that this mediaeval romance "presents a truer +picture of life than novels in which vice is punished and virtue +patiently rewarded." After considering for some time what on earth +I could have meant by "patiently rewarded," I remembered that I had +written "patently rewarded." The printer put my "i" out; and without +an "i" it was very difficult to perceive the sense of the phrase. + +[Illustration] + +_Nutshell Novels_, by that crack writer--no, not "crack'd"--and poet, +whose verses send a frill right through us, Mr. J. ASHBY-STERRY, are +coming out. Capital title. As SHAKSPEARE says, "Sermons in stones, +novels in nutshells, and good in everything." SHELLEY'S poems might +be brought out in pocketable form under a similar title, _Nut-Shelley +Poems._ I have not yet seen the volume in question, only heard tell +of it, and should not be surprised to hear that the central novel and +the best was a short military novel, entitled _The Kernel_. Messrs. +HUTCHINSON & Co. are the publishers. I hope Mr. STERRY has illustrated +them himself. He can draw and paint, but he won't, and there's an end +on't. He must follow up the _Nutshells_ with a volume of _Crackers_, +about Christmas time. + +Just been looking through _London Street Arabs_, by Mrs. H.M. STANLEY, +published by CASSELL & Co., which firm--whose telegraphic address is +"Caspeg, London," and a good name too--writes to the Baron thus:--"_In +forwarding you an early copy_"--small and early--"_of Mrs. Stanley's +book, we will ask you to be good enough_"--("I am 'good enough'" quoth +the Baron)--"to _confine your extracts from the Introduction to an +extent not exceeding one-third of the whole_." "Willingly, my dear +'Caspeg,'" replies the Baron, who does not like being dictated to, +and, to gratify your wish to the utmost, he will make no extracts +at all from the book, a proceeding which ought mightily to delight +"Caspeg, London." What next? Will publishers send to the Baron, and +request him not even to breathe the names of their books? By all +means. He has no objection, as, whether sent to him for review, or +purchased by him _pour se distraire_, the Baron only mentions those he +likes, or, if he mentions those he dislikes, 'tis _pro bono publico_, +and there's an end on't. Mrs. STANLEY appreciates humour, as the +following anecdote will show--But, dear me, the Baron is forgetful--he +begs "Caspeg's" pardon; he mustn't quote. Mrs. STANLEY can be truly +sympathetic with sorrow, as the following story proves--no, "Caspeg," +the story must _not_ follow. Never mind--the Baron's dear readers +will read it for themselves if they feel "so dispoged." The Baron +supposes that all this was written and drawn while Mrs. STANLEY was +Miss DOROTHY TENNANT, because her recorded opinion, probably, as a +spinster, is (and here the Baron "quotes" not, but "alludes"), that +you can find better artistic material in this line at home, than you +can obtain by seeking it abroad; yet when she married, off she went +to Milan, Venice, and so forth. For pleasure, of course, not work; +but work to her is evidently pleasure. May happiness have accompanied +her everywhere! The drawings are pretty, rather of the goody-good +"Sunday-at-home-readings" kind of illustrations. And what on earth has +a sort of pictorial advertisement for "Somebody's Soap" got to do with +Street Arabs? "_Washed Ashore; or, Happy At Last_," might be the title +of this mer-baby picture, in which two naked children, not Street +Arabs, or Arabs of any sort, are depicted as examining the inanimate +body of a nondescript creature, half flesh and half fish, which has +been thrown up by the waves "to be left till called for" by the next +high-tide, when, perhaps, its sorrowing parents, Mr. and Mrs. MERMAN, +or its widowed mother, Mrs. MERWOMAN, arrayed in sea-"weeds," may +come to claim it and give it un-christian burial. But that the Baron, +out of deference to the wishes of "Caspeg, London," does not like to +quote one single line, he could give Mrs. STANLEY'S own account of how +this picture of the Mer-baby came to be included in the Street Arab +Collection. For such explanation the Baron refers the reader to the +book itself. "Caspeg," farewell! + +I have, the Baron says, commenced the first pages of _The Last Days +of Palmyra_. Good, so far; but several new books have come in, and +_Palmyra_ cannot receive my undivided attention, says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + +P.S.--My faithful "Co." has been reading _Ferrers Court_, by JOHN +STRANGE WINTER, author of _Bootle's Baby_ and a number of other +novelettes of like kind. He says that he is getting just the least bit +tired of _Mignon_, and the plain-spoken girls, and the rest of them. +By the way, he observes that it seems to be the fashion, judging from +the pages of _Ferrers Court_, in what he may call "Service Suckles," +to talk continually of a largely advertising lady's tailor. If this +custom spreads, he presumes that the popular topic of conversation, +the weather, will have to give place to the prior claims for +consideration of Somebody's Blacking, or Somebody-else's Soap. This +is to be regretted, as, in spite of the sameness of subject of the +_Bootle's Baby_ series, JOHN STRANGE WINTER is always more amusing +than nine-tenths of his (or should it be her?) contemporaries. B. De +B.-W. & Co. + +P.S. No. 2.--The Baron wishes to add that on taking up the _Bride +of Lammermoor_ in order to refresh his memory before seeing the +new drama, he was struck by a few lines in the description of +_Lucy Ashton_, which, during rehearsals, must have been peculiarly +appropriate to her representative at the Lyceum, Miss ELLEN TERRY. +Here they are:--"To these details, however trivial, _Lucy_ lent +patient and not indifferent attention. They moved and interested +_Henry_, and that was enough to secure her ear." "Great Scott!" +indeed! Perfectly prophetic, and prophetically perfect. B. DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EFFECTIVE MILITARY MANOEUVRE. + +"The day of cocked hats and plumes is past and gone. This head-dress +is utterly unsuited for active service."--_Military Correspondent's +Letter to Times_. + +SUGGESTION, IN CONSEQUENCE, FOR NEW COSTUME FOR GENERAL +OFFICERS--SO THAT THEY MIGHT BE MISTAKEN BY THE ENEMY FOR HARMLESS +GENTLEMEN-FARMERS ENGAGED IN AGRICULTURAL PURSUITS.] + + * * * * * + +STALKING THE SAGACIOUS STAG. + +_SPORTING NOTES FROM OUR SPECIAL REPRESENTATIVE_. + +I had an invite from JEPSON, a Stock Exchange acquaintance, who has +rented a Moor for the winter months, and who, happening to hear that +I and my two foreign friends were in the neighbourhood, most kindly +asked me to come and have a look at his box, and bring them with me. + +"I hear," he writes, "that the deer are very lively, and if you want +to show your foreign friends some first-rate British Sport, you can't +do better than bring them." + +Need I say that I jumped at this. Coming along on the top of the +coach, that takes us to Spital-hoo, the place my friend has rented, I +have been endeavouring to describe what I _imagine_ to be the nature +of the sport of Deer-stalking to the Chief and the Bulgarian Count. +The former, who has been listening attentively, says that, from my +description, stalking a stag must be very much the same as hunting +the double-humped bison in Mwangumbloola, and that the only weapon he +shall take with him will be a pickaxe. I have pointed out to him that +I don't think this will be any use, as in deer-stalking I fancy you +follow the stag _at some distance_, but he seems resolute about the +pickaxe, and so, I suppose, I must let him have his way. The Bulgarian +Count was deeply interested in the matter, and says that evidently +the proper weapon to use is a species of quick-firing, repeating +Hotchkiss, and that he has one now on its way through Edinburgh, the +invention of a compatriot, that will fire 2700 two-ounce bullets in +a minute and a-half. I fancy, if he uses this, he will surprise the +neighbourhood; but, of course, I have not said anything to interfere +with his project. + +[Illustration] + +We have arrived at Spital-hoo all safe and sound, and JEPSON has given +us a most cordial welcome. But I must now have once more recourse to +my current notes. + +I have now been something like five hours on the tramp, plodding my +way through a deep glen in a pine forest, but have not yet come across +any sign of a stag, I started with the Chief and the Count, but the +former soon went off at a tangent somewhere on his own hook, and the +latter, who had got his Hotchkiss with him and found it heavy work to +drag it up and down the mountain paths, I have left behind to take a +rest and recuperate himself. I pause in my walk and listen. The forest +is intensely still. Not a sign of a stag anywhere. + +JEPSON is left at home, as he is expecting a couple of local Ministers +to tea, but he has told me I'm "bound to come across whole herds of +them," if I only tramp long enough. Well, I've been at it five hours, +and I certainly ought to have spotted something by this time. By Jove, +though, what's that moving in the path ahead of me? It is! _It is a +stag!_ A magnificent fellow--though he appears to have only one horn. +But, how odd! I believe he has seen me, and yet doesn't seem scared! +Yes, he is actually approaching in the most leisurely fashion in the +world. But that isn't the correct thing. In deer-stalking, I'm sure +you ought to stalk the deer, not the deer stalk you. And this creature +is absolutely coming down on me. Oh! I can't stand this. I shall have +a shot at him. Bang! Have fired--and _missed_! And, by Jove, the stag +doesn't seem to mind! He is coming nearer and nearer. He actually +comes close to where I am kneeling, and with facetious friendliness +removes my Tam o'Shanter! But, hulloah! who is this speaking? "Ha, and +would ye blaze awa wi' your weepons upon poor old Epaminondas, mon!" +It is an aged Highlander who is addressing me, and he has just turned +out of a bye-path. He is fondling the creature's nose affectionately, +and the stag seems to know him. I remark as much. + +"Ha! sure he does," he replies, "Why there's nae a body doon the glen +but has got a friendly word for puir Old Epaminondas. You see he's +blind o' one 'ee, and he's lost one o' his antlers, and he's a wee bit +lame, and all the folk here about treat him kindly, when ye thought to +put that bit o' lead into him just noo, sure he was just oomin' to ye +for a bit o' oatmeal cake." + +I express my regret for having so nearly shot the "Favourite of the +Glen" through inadvertence! I explain that I came out deerstalking, +and did not expect, of course, to come across a perfectly tame and +domestic stag. + +"A weel, there's nae mischief done," continues my interlocutor; +"but it's nae good a stalking Epaminondas, for he's just a sagacious +beastie altogether." + + * * * * * + +Here we are at the Lodge. But, hulloah! what's this uproar on the +lawn? A herd of deer dashing wildly over everything, flowerbeds +and all, and, yes, absolutely five of them bursting into the house, +through one of the drawing-room windows, while JEPSON and the two +kirk Ministers emerge hurriedly, terrified, from the other. Crash! +And what's _that_? Why, surely it _can't_ be--but yes, I believe it +is--yes, it _positively is_ the Chief's pickaxe that has flown through +the air, and just smashed through the upper panes, scattering the +glass in a thousand fragments in all directions! + +And thus ends my Stalking for the Present, and (probably) the Future! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BLACK SYRENS. + +_This is how the lovely and accomplished Miss B----ns (of ----, +Portland Place) managed to defray the expenses of their Sea-side Trip, +this Autumn, without anybody being any the wiser!_ + +"O-HI-O! O-HI-HO! THERE NEVER WAS A FINER GIRL THAN DINAH, DOWN BY THE +OHIO!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BRITISH LION AND THE GERMAN FOX; OR, A MISTAKE SOMEWHERE. + +THE SEQUEL OF A FABLE. + +(_SEE "THE GERMAN FOX AND THE BRITISH LION," PUNCH, NOVEMBER 17, +1888._) + + "When Fox with Lion hunts, one would be sorry + To say who gains--until they've shared the quarry!" + Such was the Moral + Of the first chapter of our modern Fable. + Is the co-partnership still strong and stable, + Or are there signs of quarrel + More than mere querulous quidnuncs invent + To break companionship and mar content? + + Reynard has settled down into that latitude, + Pilgrim, perhaps, but certainly a Trader. + Does he not show a certain change of attitude, + Suggestive rather less of the Crusader, + Eager to earn the black-skinned bondsman's gratitude, + Than of the Bagman with his sample-box? + Ah, Master Fox! + Somehow the scallop seems to slip aside, + And that brave banner, which, with honest pride + You waved, like some commercial Quixote--verily + 'Tis not to-day so valorously flaunted, + And scarce so cheerily. + You boast the pure knight-errantry so vaunted, + Some two years since, + Eh? You unfeigned Crusading zeal evince? + Whence, then, that rival banner + Which you coquet with in so cautious manner? + Hoisting it? Humph! Say, rather, just inspecting it. + But whether with intention of rejecting it, + Or temporising with the sly temptation + And making Proclamation + Of views a trifle modified, and ardour + A little cooled by thoughts of purse and larder. + Why, that's the question. + Reynard will probably resent suggestion + Of playing renegade, in the cause of Trade, + To that same Holy, Noble, New Crusade. + "Only," he pleads, "don't fume, and fuss, and worry, + The New Crusade is not a thing _to hurry_; + I never meant hot zealotry or haste-- + Things hardly to the solid Teuton taste!" + + And Leo? Well, he always had his doubts, + Yet to indulge in fierce precipitate flouts + Is not his fashion. + The Anti-Slavery zeal, with him a passion, + He knows less warmly shared by other traders; + But _soi-disant_ Crusaders + Caught paltering with the Infidels, like traitors, + And hot enthusiast Emancipators + Who the grim Slavery-demon gently tackle, + Wink at the scourge, and dally with the shackle, + Such, though they vaunt their zeal and orthodoxy, + Seem--for philanthropists--a trifle foxy! + + * * * * * + +Reclame (Gratis).--Where is the Lessee of the Haymarket? He ought +to have been in India. He was wanted there. The _Daily News_, last +week, told us in its Morning News Columns that "at a place called +Beerbhoom"--clearly the Indian spelling of Beerbohm--"there was +a desirable piece of land lying waste"--the very spot for a +theatre--"because it was reputed to be haunted by a malignant +goddess,"--that wouldn't matter as long as the "gods" were well +provided for. Then it continues, "They" (who?) "did all they could to +propitiate her, setting apart a tree--." Yes; but it wasn't the right +tree: of course it ought to have been a BEERBHOOM TREE. His first +drama might have shown how a Buddhist priest couldn't keep a secret. +Thrilling! + + * * * * * + +WOMAN'S HAPPIEST HOUR. + +(_BY A SOUR OLD CYNIC._) + + A Yankee Journal raises wordy strife + About "the happiest hour of Woman's life." + I'll answer in less compass than a sonnet:-- + "When she outshines her best friend's smartest bonnet!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BRITISH LION AND THE GERMAN FOX; OR, A MISTAKE +SOMEWHERE! + +(_Vide Cartoon, Nov. 17, 1888._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PLEASURES OF GETTING UP EARLY TO GO "CUBBING." + +1. The Meet was to be at Cropper's Gorse, 5:30. At 4:30 Thompson +called for me. He said he knew the way perfectly. + +2. After we had gone a couple of miles, a steady rain came on. I +didn't think much of the beauties of early morning. + +3. "Well, my man," said Thompson, "seen the hounds? This is Cropper's +Gorse, I suppose?" "Noa, Sur; this be Cropper's Plantation. The Gorse +be four miles over yonder!" + +4. "Extraordinary thing I should have been mistaken," said Thompson. +"Never mind. Let's canter on, and we'll see some fun yet." + +5. "Hi! my boy, is this Cropper's Gorse?" asked Thompson. "Noa, Sur. +This be Cropper's Common. The Gorse be five miles over yonder!" + +6. Then Thompson had the decency to say, "Let's go back and have +breakfast."] + + * * * * * + +RATS IN COUNCIL. + +A mass meeting of Rats was held (unknown to the Park-keepers) under +the Reformer's Oak in Hyde Park, at midnight of last Sunday. The +object of the gathering was to protest against the proposal made by a +Correspondent of _The Times_, that the "sewer-rats who had established +themselves in the sylvan retreat" known as Hyde Park Dell, should be +exterminated by means of "twenty ferrets and a few capable dogs." + +Mr. RODENT (Senior) was called upon to preside. He took the hillock +amid waving of tails and much enthusiasm, and remarked that he trusted +that that vast assembly, one of the most magnificent demonstrations +that even Hyde Park had ever known, would show by its orderly +behaviour, that Rats knew how to conduct business. (_Cheers._) They +lived in strange times. A barbarous suggestion had been made to evict +them--to turn them out of house and home, by means of what he might +call Emergency Ferrets. (_Groans, and cries of "Boycott them!"_) +He feared that boycotting a ferret would not do much good. (_A +squeak--"Why not try rattening?"--and laughter._) Arbitration seemed +to him the most politic course under the circumstances. (_Cheers._) +They were accused of eating young moor-chicks. Well, was a Rat to +starve? ("_No, no!_") Did not a Rat owe a duty to those dependent upon +it? (_Cheers, and cries of "Yes!"_) He appealed to the opinion of +the civilised world to put a stop--At this point in the Chair-rat's +address, an alarm of "Dogs!" was raised, and the meeting at once +dispersed in some confusion. + + * * * * * + +THE JOURNALIST-AT-ARMS. + + Who would not be a Journalist-at-Arms? + Life for that paladin hath poignant charms. + Whether in pretty quarrel he shall run + Just half an inch of rapier--in pure fun-- + In his opponent's biceps, or shall flick + His shoulders with a slender walking-stick. + The "stern joy" of the man indeed must rise + To raptures and heroic ecstacies. + Oh, glorious climax of a vulgar squabble, + To redden your foe's nose, or make him hobble + For half a week or so, as though, perchance, + He'd strained an ancle in a leap or dance! + Feeble sword-play or futile fisticuffs + Might be disdained by warriors--or roughs; + But to the squabbling scribe the farce has charms. + Who would not be a Journalist-at-Arms? + + * * * * * + +"WANTED!" + +A thoroughly well appointed and handsomely furnished COUNTRY MANSION +(Elizabethan or Jacobaean period preferred) wanted immediately. It must +contain not less than 50 bedrooms, appropriate reception-rooms, and +a hall capable of being utilised for _fetes_ and gala entertainments +on a large scale, and must stand in the midst of extensive timbered +grounds, surrounded by orangeries, hot-houses, and beautifully kept +pleasure grounds replete with the choicest pieces of statuary and +ornamental fountains arranged for electrical illumination, the perfect +installation of which on the premises, on the newest principles, is +regarded as a _sine qua non_ by the Advertiser. The shooting over four +or five hundred acres, and the meeting of not less than three packs +of hounds in the immediate neighbourhood, with salmon and trout +fishing within easy distance of the mansion, are also considered +indispensable. Particulars as to the surrounding country gentry are +requested. Write also stating whether any recognised race-meeting is +held in the immediate vicinity. The distance of the property from +town must not be more than half an hour's railway journey, and the +inclusive rent must not exceed _five and twenty shillings a week_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POPULAR GAME OF ARTHUR GOLFOUR. AS UNDERSTOOD BY +THE MASS OF THE PUBLIC.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DEMON ALPS + +(_Our Artist's Dream, after reading the numerous Accidents to +Mountain-Climbers._)] + + * * * * * + +ODE TO OZONE. + +(_BY A POOR PATERFAMILIAS._) + + "London is a terrible consumer of ozone."--_Standard_. + + A'R--"_The Dutchman's Little Dog._" + + O where and O where, is our treasured Ozone? + O where, and O where can it be? + From London to leeward 'tis utterly gone, + To windward but little floats free. + + Since SCHOeNBEIN of Basle discovered the stuff, + We've lived half a cen-tu-ree. + If of it we only could swallow enough, + How healthy, how happy were we! + + Condensed form of oxygen, essence of air + That's fresh, or electricitee, + Ozone is the stuff shaken health to repair. + 'Tis for it we all fly to the sea! + + Solidified Ozone they talk about now, + To be bought in small bricks like pressed tea. + The air that is cheering when breathed on one's brow + In cubic foot-blocks would bring glee. + + How pleasant to buy one's Ozone, like one's coal, + And store it up an-nu-al-lee! + And not fly for it to some dull cockney hol + Just because it is dug by the Sea! + + Ah yes, let us have it, this needful Ozone, + In portable parcels! Ah me! + No longer need Paterfamilias groan + At the cost of that month by the Sea! + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARIAN MOTTO FOR THE NEW UNIONISM.--(_Dedicated to the +Artisan left out in the cold_.)--"In the ambush of my name, strike +home!"--_Measure for Measure_. + + * * * * * + +TO MY UMBRELLA. + + 'Twere hard indeed to try to get + A theme without some poem on it-- + A vilanelle, a triolet, + An ode, an epic, or a sonnet. + CASTARA'S charms were sung of old, + Both SWIFT and SIDNEY, wrote to STELLA, + But mine it is to first unfold + The praise of my beloved Umbrella. + +[Illustration] + + You are not difficult to please, + Although no doubt a trifle "knobby;" + Whilst I'm reclining at mine ease, + I leave you standing in the lobby. + I ever treat you thus, and yet + I haven't got a friend who's firmer; + In point of fact, you even let + Me shut you up without a murmur. + + Now some seek solace sweet in smoke, + And make a pipe their AMARYLLIS; + So think not that I do but joke + In calling you my darling PHYLLIS. + And though the gossips never spare + For ill-report to seek a handle, + The (indiarubber) ring you wear + Prevents the very thought of scandal. + + "Fair weather, friend," we've often heard + Used as a term to throw discredit, + Though clearly it were quite absurd + If speaking of yourself one said it. + When skies are blue (a thing that's rare) + I in the coolest way forsake you, + But when the Forecast tells me "Fair," + Or "Settled Sunshine," then I take you. + + I like to think of one sweet day + When cats and dogs it kept on raining, + (Why "cats and dogs," it's right to say, + Who will oblige me by explaining?) + When someone, who had golden hair, + And I were walking out together, + And underneath your sheltering care, + Were happy spite of wind and weather. + + One day I asked a friend to dine, + The friend I most completely trusted. + We sat and chatted o'er the wine, + He liked the port--my fine old crusted. + At length we said "Good-night." He went + But not alone. For to my sorrow + My mind with jealousy was rent, + To find you missing on the morrow. + + You had eloped! Yet all the same + I felt quite sure you were his victim, + When back a sorry wreck you came, + I very nearly went and kicked him! + Did Love take wings, and fly away? + Grew my affection less? No, never! + To tell the truth, I'm bound to say + I fondly loved you more than ever! + + With him--the man who was my friend-- + It's pretty clear you got on badly; + Your ribs, somehow, seem prone to bend, + Your silken dress seems wearing sadly. + It's very hard, I know, to part, + And sentimental feelings smother, + But even though it break my heart, + I'm going, next week, to get another. + + * * * * * + +EPITAPH ON A PLATE OF VENISON (_a suggestion, at the service of those +who collect menu cards_).--"Though lost to sight, to memory deer!" + + * * * * * + +HISTORY AS SHE IS WROTE! + + Last week the _St. James's Gazette_ published an article + proving that the Bastille, so far from being a gloomy prison, + was the most delightful of hotels. This historical record has, + however, caused no surprise in 85, Fleet Street, because the + following extract from a very old diary has for years been + awaiting publication. The time has now arrived for it to see + the light. + +GAY MOMENTS AT THE ANCIENT BAILEY. + +[Illustration] + +_Newgate, September 29, 17--_.--Got up with the assistance of my +valet, and held my customary _levee_. The Governor of the place asked +my permission to enter my luxuriously furnished apartments, to show me +an amusing set of irons that had been discovered in one of the cells +used during the last two hundred years for the storage of fire-wood. +The droll things were called the "Little Ease," and seemingly, were +intended to create merriment. One of the officers was complacent +enough to assume them, and caused great diversion by his eccentric +gestures. My _levee_ was not quite so successful, as is generally the +case, as that tedious old gossip, GUIDO FAUX, obtained admission. As +usual he had a grievance. It appears that a report has got abroad that +he was executed in the days of our late lamented Monarch, JAMES THE +FIRST of Great Britain, and SIXTH of Scotland. Says GUIDO, "If this be +believed by the multitude there will be a demand for my expulsion, and +what shall I do if I be turned out?" Condoled with him, and escaped +his importunities by joining with Master JOHN SHEPPARD, and Squire +TURPIN in a game of "Lorne Ten Hys," a recreation recently introduced +by my good neighbour Monsieur CLAUDE DU VAL. Failed in making a goal, +and put out thereat. However, regained my usual flow of spirits on +receiving a polite request from the Governor to join him and his +good Dame in a visit to the Tower of London, to call upon Lady JANE +GREY--once Queen--and now a guest in that admirable institution. Was +graciously received by Her Ladyship, who is now of advanced age. Her +Ladyship was vastly amused at the news that had reached her that some +chroniclers do insist that she has lost her head. "I have in good +sooth lost my teeth," laughed the venerable gentlewoman "but my head +is as firmly set upon my shoulders as ever. I do verily believe that +it must be some mad piece of waggery of that Prince of good fellows, +Sir WALTER RALEIGH. The aged Knight is always up to some of his +nonsense!" After playing a game of quoits with Lord BALMARINO and the +Tower Headsman (whose office is a well-paid sinecure), I returned +to Newgate, greatly pleased with my morning's promenade. In the +afternoon, entertained the Governor at dinner, who declared that he +could never get so good a meal in his own quarters. "Strap me, no!" +I exclaimed: "and, were it not that our food was excellent, who +would stay at Newgate?" For I confess that, although there are +pleasure-gardens, and every sort of amusement and comfort, Newgate, at +times, is decidedly damp. Then I raised a glass of punch to my lips, +and wished him the same luck that I myself enjoyed. "And that I had!" +quoth he. "Would I were prisoner instead of Governor. But it would +not be meet. I am not a man of sufficient quality!" And now I must +bring this entry to a conclusion, for there is to be a theatrical +performance in the dining-hall. Little DAVID GARRICK is to play +the principal male character, while Mistress NELLIE GWYNE, Mistress +SIDDONS, and Mistress PEG WOFFINGTON, are also in the cast. The title +of the piece is _Hamlet_, and I am told it is written by a young man +new to Town. The name of the author is either SHAKSPEARE or SMITH. I +am not sure which, but think SMITH. + + * * * * * + +P.S.--Open my Diary once again. _Hamlet_ a poor piece. It is now +said that it was written by BACON or BUCHANAN. Of the former I know +nothing, and posterity must discover the identity of the latter. +For the rest, if again I am pressed to go to the Play--strap me! +but, comfortable as I am, I will pack up my traps, and be off from +Newgate--for ever! + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_BEFORE_ MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.) + +_A SHAREHOLDER IN A GAS COMPANY INTRODUCED._ + +_The Commissioner_ (_sharply_). Well, Sir, what is it? + +_Shareholder_. I have come to complain about the Gas Companies-- + +_The Com._ I am not surprised. They are generally causing some one or +other trouble. + +_Shareh._ No, I beg your pardon, Sir, but you misunderstand me. I am +interested in the prosperity of Gas Companies-- + +[Illustration] + +_The Com._ Then I pity you, for they are certain, sooner or later, to +be superseded by the Electric Light. + +_Shareh._ Will you allow me to continue? I am annoyed that some +one has been complaining in the _Times_ that "A Chief of a Rental +Department" (invariably a person of the highest respectability) has a +right to the title of "an arbitrary cove!" + +_The Com._ No doubt someone (who showed his wisdom in appealing to so +powerful a tribunal) gave his reasons? + +_Shareh._ Well, yes; he certainly had been served with a demand to pay +L1 4s. 10d. within three days, to "prevent the necessity" of the gas +supply to his premises being discontinued at a time when he and his +family were out of Town, and his house was closed for the recess. + +_The Com._ _Prima facie_, that seems a strong order! And I suppose the +complainant wrote to the Gas Company, and got no redress? + +_Shareh._ Well, yes. But then, you see, this demand for payment within +three days may have been a final notice. + +_The Com._ (_drily_). Seems to have been very final indeed! Was there +anything on the face of the notice to distinguish it from an ordinary +unstamped circular? + +_Shareh._ No, I believe not. But, then, possibly, the account had been +submitted to him before. + +_The Com._ How do you know? Speaking from my own experience, a +demand-note is generally left at the house when the master is away, +and the Collector does not take the slightest trouble to _collect_ +the money. He leaves it to chance whether the money is _sent_ or not. +Surely _you_ must know that in your character of a householder? + +_Shareh._ Well, yes; I fancy that the collector does sometimes act in +a very perfunctory manner. + +_The Com._ And that servants frequently are unable to distinguish +between the open circular of a Gas Company asking for the settlement +of an account, and the open circular of a touting coal merchant asking +for custom? And when this happens, both find a home in the dust-hole. +Is not that so? + +_Shareh._ Well, yes--very likely--but the law is-- + +_The Com._ (_sternly_). The Law and its name should not be lightly +taken in vain. I have seen on a Gas Company's circular the terrors of +a statute invoked to secure prompt payment of a few shillings! After +all, the Gas Companies (albeit monopolists) are merely traders, and +the Public are the customers. If a butcher, a baker, or a candle-stick +maker invariably attempted to secure immediate payment by reference +on the invoice to the usefulness of the County Court, it is more than +possible that that butcher, that baker, or that candle-stick maker, +would speedily have to retire from business _via_ the Bankruptcy +column of _The London Gazette_. Thus Gas Companies, who adopt a like +unpleasant tone, are regarded as the natural enemies of the Public +generally. You have a grievance--as a shareholder of one of these +Associations--but this is not the place to obtain redress. If you +want to improve your position, keep your eye upon your _employes_, and +teach them the meaning of that well-worn phrase, _Suaviter in modo, +fortiter in re!_ You may go! + + [_The Witness then retired, with difficulty repressing a + painful exhibition of the most acute emotion._] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, Sept. 27, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12262.txt or 12262.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/2/6/12262/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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