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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, Sept. 27, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 4, 2004 [EBook #12262] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 99.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>September 27, 1890.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" + id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + + <h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. XIX.—THE SERVANT OF SOCIETY.</h3> + + <p>The Servant of Society is one who, having in early life + abdicated every claim to independent thought or action, is + content to attach himself to the skirts and coat-tails of the + great, and to exist for a long time as a mere appendage in + mansions selected by the unerring instinct of a professional + tuft-hunter. It is as common a mistake to suppose that all + tuft-hunters are necessarily of lowly birth and of inferior + social position, as it is to believe them all to be offensive + in manner and shallow in artifice. The coarse but honest Snob + still perhaps exists, and here and there he thrusts and pushes + in the old familiar way; but more often than not the upstart + who has won his way to wealth and consideration finds himself + to his own surprise courted and fawned upon by those whose + boots his abilities would have fitted him to black, and his + disposition prompted him to lick. Noble sportsmen are proud to + be seen in his company, aristocratic guinea-pigs are constantly + in his pocket in the congenial society of the great man's + purse, art willingly reproduces his features, journalism + enthusiastically commemorates his adventures, and even Royalty + does not thrust away a votary whose ministrations are as + acceptable as they are readily performed. Without much effort + on his own part he is raised to pinnacles which he imagined + impossible of access, and soon learns to look down with a + contempt that might spring of ancient lineage and assured + merit, upon the hungry crowd whose cry is that of the daughter + of the horse-leech.</p> + + <p>But the genuine Servant of Society is of a different stamp. + Ordinarily he is of a good family, and of a competence which + both differs from and resembles his general character in being + possessed at once of the attributes of modesty and assurance. + From an early age he will have been noted for the qualities + which in after-life render him humbly celebrated in subordinate + positions. At school he will have had the good fortune to be + attached as fag to a big boy who occupied an important place as + an athlete, and whose condescending smiles were naturally an + object of greater ambition to the small fry than the approval + of the school authorities. For him he performed with much + assiduity the various duties of a fag, happy to shine amongst + his companions as the recipient of the great boy's favours. To + play the jackal without incurring universal dislike is (at + school) no very easy task, but he accomplishes it with + discretion and with a natural aptitude that many maturer + jackals might envy.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/145.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>At the age of seventeen he is withdrawn from school. His own + marked disinclination saves him from a military career, and he + is subsequently sent to pass a year or two upon the Continent + of Europe, in order that he may first of all pass the + examination for the Diplomatic Service, and subsequently foil + foreign statesmen with their own weapons, and in their own + language. Returning, he secures his nomination, and faces the + Examiners. Providence, however, reserves him for lower things. + The Examiners triumph, and the career of the Servant of Society + begins in earnest. The position of his parents secures for him + an entrance into good houses. He is a young man of great tact + and of small accomplishments. He can warble a song, aid a great + lady to organise a social festivity, lead a cotillon, order a + dinner, and help to eat it, act in amateur theatricals, and + recommend French novels to inquiring matrons. His manners are + always easy, and his conversation has that spice of freedom + which renders it specially acceptable in the boudoirs of the + smart. The experience of a few years makes plain to him that, + in social matters, the serious person goes down before the + trifler. He therefore cultivates flippancy as a fine art, and + becomes noted for a certain cheap cynicism, which he sprinkles + like a quasi-intellectual pepper over the strong meat of risky + conversation. Moreover, he is constantly self-satisfied, and + self-possessed. Yet he manages to avoid giving offence by + occasionally assuming a gentle humility of manner, to which he + almost succeeds in imparting a natural air, and he studiously + refrains from saying or doing anything which, since it may + cause other men to provoke him, may possibly result in his + being forced to pretend that he himself has been ruffled. Yet + it must be added that he is always thoroughly harmless. He + flutters about innumerable dovecots, without ever fluttering + those who dwell in them, and, in course of time, he comes to be + known and accepted everywhere as a useful man. As might be + supposed, he is never obtrusively manly. The rough pursuits of + the merely athletic repel him, yet he has the knack of assuming + an interest where he feels it not, and is able to prattle quite + pleasantly about sports in which he takes little or no active + part. At the same time it must be admitted that he holds a gun + fairly straight, and does not disgrace himself when the + necessity of slaughtering a friend's pheasants interrupts for a + few hours the rehearsals of private theatricals, in company + with the friend's wife. Certainly he is not a fool. He gauges + with great accuracy his own capacities, and carefully limits + his ambition to those smaller desires which, since they exact + no vaulting power, are never likely to bring about a fall on + the other side. The objects of his admiration are mean; and + since he meanly admires them, he comes quite naturally under + the Thackerayan definition of a Snob.</p> + + <p>Whilst he is still a year or two on the fair side of thirty, + it may happen that a turn of the political wheel will bring + into high office a statesman who is quite willing to be served + by those who are able to make themselves useful to him, without + exacting from them solidity either of character or of + attainments. With him the Servant of Society, with an instinct + that does credit to his discernment, will have established + friendly relations. The politician was first amused and then + impressed by his versatility; now, having the opportunity, he + offers to him the position of Assistant Private Secretary + (unpaid), and it is scarcely necessary to say that the young + man accepts it with a gratitude which proves that he believes + his patron capable of conferring further favours. From this + time forward he begins to abandon the merely frivolous air that + has hitherto distinguished him. He lays in a mixed stock of + solemnity, mystery, and importance, and occasionally awes the + friends of his flippant days by assuming the reticent look and + the shake of the head of one who is marked off from common + mortals by the possession of secrets the revelation of which + might, perhaps, imperil the peace of the world. In + country-houses, in London drawing-rooms, and at Clubs, where he + had hitherto been mentioned with a laugh as "Little So-and-So," + he comes to be talked of as "So-and-So—of course you know + him—Lord BLANK'S Private Secretary." Thus he becomes + quite a personage. But he is far from abandoning the + <i>rôle</i> of Servant of Society. Indeed, he only + enlarges and glorifies the scope of his ministrations, without + in any way ceasing to cultivate those smaller trifles which + stood him in such good stead at the outset of his career. He + now has the satisfaction of seeing many of those who desire + anything that a Cabinet Minister can give, cringing to one whom + they despise, and who rejoices in the knowledge that he can + afford to patronise them, and perhaps crush them by obtaining + for them that which they want.</p> + + <p>When, in the course of a few years, Lord BLANK'S party + ceases to direct the government of the country, his Assistant + Private Secretary follows him into the cold shade of adversity + and opposition, and stands by him with exemplary usefulness and + fidelity. But, though he is often pressed, he never contests a + constituency, feeling, perhaps, that it is impossible to serve + both Society and the Caucus. In time his name becomes the + common property of all Society journals—his biography is + published in one, his discreet service is extolled in another, + while a third goes so far as to hint that, if the truth were + known, it would be found that the various departments of the + State could not possibly carry on their affairs without his + enlightened counsel. He adopts an antique fashion of dress, in + order to emphasise his personality. He wears a stock, and a + very wide-brimmed hat, and carries a bunch of seals dangling + from a fob.</p> + + <p>At forty-five he marries the daughter of a powerful Peer, + and, shortly afterwards, insures so much of the favour of + Royalty as to be spoken of as a <i>persona grata</i> at Court. + Henceforward his services are often employed in delicate + negotiations, which may necessitate the climbing of many + back-stairs. On such occasions, and after it has been announced + in the papers that "Mr. So-and-so was the bearer of an + important communication" from one great person to another, it + is his custom to show himself in his Clubs and in crowded + haunts, so that he may enjoy the pleasure of being pointed out, + <i>digita prætereuntium</i>, and of catching the whispers + of those who nudge one another as they mention his name.</p> + + <p>Finally, it will be rumoured that he has been collecting + materials for the Memoirs which he proposes shortly to publish. + But though he never disclaims the intention, and is even + understood, on more than one occasion, to allude in + conversation to the precise period of his life to which his + writing has then brought him, it is quite certain that he will + never carry out the intention, or bring out the book. At the + age of sixty he will still be a young man, with a gay style of + banter peculiarly his own. Towards the end of his life he will + often talk darkly of great events in which he has played a + part, and of extraordinary services which only he could have + performed; and when he dies, the country will be called upon to + mourn for one who has saved it from social degradation, and + from political disaster.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" + id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + + <h2>A PIG IN A POKE.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/146.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[According to the <i>Standard</i>, by the new Meat + Inspection Law, just come into force in the United States, + American cattle and pigs for export to England, France, or + Germany, are to be inspected before leaving America, with a + view to removing the grounds of objection on the part of + those Governments to the unrestricted reception of these + important American exports. Should any foreign Government, + fearful of pleuro-pneumonia or trichinosis, refuse to trust + to the infallibility of the American inspectors, the + President of the United States is authorised to retaliate + by directing that such products of such foreign State as he + may deem proper shall be excluded from importation to the + United States.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O SENATOR EDMONDS, of verdant Vermont,</p> + + <p>Of wisdom you may be a marvellous font;</p> + + <p>But you'll hardly get JOHN,—'tis too much of a + joke!—</p> + + <p>To buy in your fashion a Pig in a Poke;</p> + + <p class="i10">Which nobody can expect!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To slaughter your Cattle when reaching our + shore,</p> + + <p>You probably think is no end of a bore;</p> + + <p>But even your valiant Vermonters to please,</p> + + <p>We cannot afford to spread Cattle-disease,</p> + + <p class="i10">Which nobody can desire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Yankee Inspector is all very fine,</p> + + <p>But if pleuro-pneumonia crosses the line,</p> + + <p>And with BULL'S bulls and heifers should play up the + deuce,</p> + + <p>A Yankee Inspector won't be of much use,</p> + + <p class="i10">Which nobody can dispute.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Yankee Inspector you seem to suppose is</p> + + <p>A buckler and barrier against trichinosis;</p> + + <p>Bat trichinae pass without passports. Bacilli</p> + + <p>And microbes that Yankee <i>might</i> miss + willy-nilly,</p> + + <p class="i10">Which nobody can deny.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Port-slaughter restrictions may limit your + trade.</p> + + <p>Well, your Tariffs Protective to help <i>us</i> + aren't made,</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" + id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + + <p>And we cannot run dangers to plump up your + wealth,</p> + + <p>Until you can show us a clean bill of health,</p> + + <p class="i10">Which nobody can assert.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And as to that cudgel tucked under your arm,</p> + + <p>You fancy, perhaps, it will act as a charm.</p> + + <p>No, JONATHAN! JOHN to your argument's dull,</p> + + <p>And you will not convince him by cracking his + skull,</p> + + <p class="i10">Which nobody can suppose.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Gaul and the Teuton seem much of my mind,</p> + + <p>And, despite your new Law, you will probably + find</p> + + <p>That Yankee Inspectors, plus menaces big,</p> + + <p>Rehabilitate not the American Pig,</p> + + <p class="i10">Which nobody can affirm.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, JONATHAN, JOHNNY feels no animosity,</p> + + <p>He'd like, with yourself, to have true + Reciprocity;</p> + + <p>But neither your Law, nor a smart cudgel-stroke,</p> + + <p>Will make him—or them—buy your Pig in a + Poke—</p> + + <p class="i10">Which nobody can particularly</p> + + <p class="i10">wonder at, after all; now can</p> + + <p class="i10">they, JONATHAN?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"NOMINE MUTATO."—For some weeks there was a + considerable amount of correspondence in the <i>Times</i>, + anent "Ecclesiastical Titles," which suddenly disappeared. Was + the topic resumed one day last week under the new heading, + "<i>The Symbolical Representation of Ciphers</i>?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>LATEST FROM THE LYCEUM.—With a view to supplying the + entire world with the current number, <i>Mr. Punch</i> goes to + press at a date too early to permit of a criticism of + <i>Ravenswood</i>. So he contents himself (for the present) by + merely recording that at the initial performance on Saturday + last all went as happily ("merrily," with so sombre a plot, is + <i>not</i> the word) as a marriage-bell. There was a striking + situation towards the end of the drama which was both novel and + interesting. Mr. IRVING received and deserved a grand + reception, and it was generally admitted that amongst the many + admirable impersonations for which MISS ELLEN TERRY is + celebrated, her <i>Bride of Lammermoor</i> appropriately "takes + the cake!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MY PRETTY JANE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Latest Version</i>.)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[It is said that the price of wheat and the + marriage-rate go together, most people getting married when + wheat is highest.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My pretty JANE, my dearest JANE,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah, never look so shy,</p> + + <p>But meet me, meet me in the market,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the price of wheat rules high.</p> + + <p>The glut is waning fast, my love,</p> + + <p class="i2">And corn is getting dear;</p> + + <p>Good (Hymen) times are coming, love,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ceres our hearts shall cheer.</p> + + <p class="i4">Then pretty JANE, though poorish + JANE,</p> + + <p class="i6">Ah, never pipe your eye,</p> + + <p class="i4">But meet me, meet me at the Altar,</p> + + <p class="i6">For the price of wheat rules high!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, name the day, the happy day,</p> + + <p class="i2">I can afford the ring;</p> + + <p>For corn rules high, the marriage rate</p> + + <p class="i2">Mounts up like anything;</p> + + <p>The "quarter" stands at fifty, love,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which, for Mark Lane is dear.</p> + + <p>Our wedding day is coming, love,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our married course is clear.</p> + + <p class="i4">Then, pretty JANE, if poorish JANE,</p> + + <p class="i6">Ah, never look so shy;</p> + + <p class="i4">But meet me, meet me at the Altar,</p> + + <p class="i6">When the price of wheat rules high!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/147-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/147-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>TAKEN ON TRUST.</h3> + + <p><i>Viscount Conamorey</i> (<i>whose recollections of the + antique are somewhat hazy</i>). "AW—A—WHAT + BEAUTIFUL ARMS AND HANDS YOU'VE GOT, MRS. BOUNDER! THEY + REMIND ME OF THE VENUS OF MILO'S!"</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>who has never even seen the Venus of + Milo</i>). "<i>OH</i>! YOU <i>FLATTERER</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN INVOCATION.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Town Mouse.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/147-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/147-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come back to Town! Why wander where</p> + + <p class="i2">The snow-clad peaks arise?</p> + + <p>Our English sunsets are as fair,</p> + + <p class="i2">With red September skies.</p> + + <p>Soft is the matutinal mist</p> + + <p class="i2">Through which the trees loom brown;</p> + + <p>Come back, if only to be kist,—</p> + + <p class="i10">Come back to Town!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For evermore, in days like these,</p> + + <p class="i2">When musing on your face,</p> + + <p>My sad imagination sees</p> + + <p class="i2">Another in my place.</p> + + <p>Say, do you listen to his prayer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or slay him with a frown?</p> + + <p>At any rate I can't be there.</p> + + <p class="i10">Come back to Town!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why linger by some far-off lake</p> + + <p class="i2">Or Continental strand?</p> + + <p>St. Martin's Summer comes to make</p> + + <p class="i2">A glory in the land.</p> + + <p>The river runs a golden stream</p> + + <p class="i2">Where WREN'S great dome looks down;</p> + + <p>Thine eyes, methinks, have brighter gleam;</p> + + <p class="i10">Come back to Town!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I hear your voice upon the wind,</p> + + <p class="i2">In dreamland you appear;</p> + + <p>But do you wonder that I find</p> + + <p class="i2">The day so long and drear?</p> + + <p><i>Lentis adhærens brachiis</i> come</p> + + <p>Once more my life to crown;</p> + + <p>Without thee 'tis too burdensome.</p> + + <p class="i10">Come back to Town!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + + <h4>AT AN AFTERNOON CALL.</h4> + + <p>"<i>So glad to see you at last. Now don't let me interrupt + your talk with Mrs. VEREKER</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "If I do, I + shall be let in for being button-holed."</p> + + <p>"<i>Do let me get you some tea—you must be dying for a + cup</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Know <i>I</i> am."</p> + + <p>"<i>So sorry</i>—<i>I fear everything is cold. Do let + me have some fresh tea made for you</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "He + can't accept <i>that</i> offer."</p> + + <h4>IN A NON-SMOKING CARRIAGE.</h4> + + <p>"<i>You don't mind my cigar, do you?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "I + know he does, but I'm not going to waste it."</p> + + <p>(<i>Reply to the above query.</i>)</p> + + <p>"<i>Oh, not at all!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Beastly thing! If he + wasn't so confoundedly selfish and stingy, he'd throw it + away."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" + id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + + <h2>"I'M AFLOAT!"</h2> + + <h3>(NEWCASTLE-ON-TYNE VERSION.)</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/148-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/148-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm afloat, I'm afloat on the coaly black Tyne!</p> + + <p>The draft licence sent me I begged to decline;</p> + + <p>Though other chaps had 'em, they were not for + me;</p> + + <p>I prefer a free flag, on the strictest Q.T.</p> + + <p>A sly "floating factory" thus I set up</p> + + <p>(I'm a mixture of RUPERT the Rover and KRUPP).</p> + + <p>At Jarrow Slake moored, my trim wherry or boat</p> + + <p>I rejoiced in, and sung "I'm afloat! I'm + afloat!"</p> + + <p>For quick-firing guns ammunition I made,</p> + + <p>Engaging (says FORD) in the contraband trade.</p> + + <p>An inquest <i>was</i> held, but its verdict cleared + <i>me</i>.</p> + + <p>I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I fear not the Government, heed not its law.</p> + + <p>Much rumpus is made, we shall hear lots of jaw:</p> + + <p>An explosion took place on October the third,</p> + + <p>My sly "floating factory" blew up like a bird.</p> + + <p>It killed one poor fellow, and damaged a lot,</p> + + <p>But I am a Great Gun, and got off like a shot;</p> + + <p>Indeed all were well, but for cold Colonel FORD,</p> + + <p>Who blames <i>me</i>, the Rover! Too bad, on my + word!</p> + + <p>The Pirate of Elswick shall not be the sport</p> + + <p>of a fussy Commission's ill-tempered Report.</p> + + <p>To bring me to book is all fiddlededee—</p> + + <p>I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I contraband, careless? Why, everyone owns</p> + + <p><i>That</i> is natural, 'neath the black flag and + cross-bones.</p> + + <p>No mere paltry maker of fireworks am I,</p> + + <p>But a Rover who's free, whose sole roof is the + sky.</p> + + <p>The law of the land may the petty appal.</p> + + <p>But frighten the Rover? Oh no, not at all!</p> + + <p>And ne'er to Commissions or Colonels I'll yield,</p> + + <p>Whilst there's Black Tyne to back me or Whitehall to + shield.</p> + + <p>Unfurl the Black Flag! shake its folds to the + wind!</p> + + <p>And I'll warrant we'll soon leave sea-lawyers + behind.</p> + + <p>Up, up with the flag! Pirate's licence for me!</p> + + <p>I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DEFINITION OF MILITARY MANOEUVRES.—"Peace-work."</p> + + <p>DARWINITES.—"The Evolutionary Squadron."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>Speaking of <i>Reynart the Fox</i>, I was made, by a slip of + the printer's hand—I am accustomed to seeing slips + <i>from</i> his hand, which is quite another thing—to say + that this mediæval romance "presents a truer picture of + life than novels in which vice is punished and virtue patiently + rewarded." After considering for some time what on earth I + could have meant by "patiently rewarded," I remembered that I + had written "patently rewarded." The printer put my "i" out; + and without an "i" it was very difficult to perceive the sense + of the phrase.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/148-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/148-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Nutshell Novels</i>, by that crack writer—no, not + "crack'd"—and poet, whose verses send a frill right + through us, Mr. J. ASHBY-STERRY, are coming out. Capital title. + As SHAKSPEARE says, "Sermons in stones, novels in nutshells, + and good in everything." SHELLEY'S poems might be brought out + in pocketable form under a similar title, <i>Nut-Shelley + Poems.</i> I have not yet seen the volume in question, only + heard tell of it, and should not be surprised to hear that the + central novel and the best was a short military novel, entitled + <i>The Kernel</i>. Messrs. HUTCHINSON & Co. are the + publishers. I hope Mr. STERRY has illustrated them himself. He + can draw and paint, but he won't, and there's an end on't. He + must follow up the <i>Nutshells</i> with a volume of + <i>Crackers</i>, about Christmas time.</p> + + <p>Just been looking through <i>London Street Arabs</i>, by + Mrs. H.M. STANLEY, published by CASSELL & Co., which + firm—whose telegraphic address is "Caspeg, London," and a + good name too—writes to the Baron thus:—"<i>In + forwarding you an early copy</i>"—small and + early—"<i>of Mrs. Stanley's book, we will ask you to be + good enough</i>"—("I am 'good enough'" quoth the + Baron)—"to <i>confine your extracts from the Introduction + to an extent not exceeding one-third of the whole</i>." + "Willingly, my dear 'Caspeg,'" replies the Baron, who does not + like being dictated to, and, to gratify your wish to the + utmost, he will make no extracts at all from the book, a + proceeding which ought mightily to delight "Caspeg, London." + What next? Will publishers send to the Baron, and request him + not even to breathe the names of their books? By all means. He + has no objection, as, whether sent to him for review, or + purchased by him <i>pour se distraire</i>, the Baron only + mentions those he likes, or, if he mentions those he dislikes, + 'tis <i>pro bono publico</i>, and there's an end on't. Mrs. + STANLEY appreciates humour, as the following anecdote will + show—But, dear me, the Baron is forgetful—he begs + "Caspeg's" pardon; he mustn't quote. Mrs. STANLEY can be truly + sympathetic with sorrow, as the following story + proves—no, "Caspeg," the story must <i>not</i> follow. + Never mind—the Baron's dear readers will read it for + themselves if they feel "so dispoged." The Baron supposes that + all this was written and drawn while Mrs. STANLEY was Miss + DOROTHY TENNANT, because her recorded opinion, probably, as a + spinster, is (and here the Baron "quotes" not, but "alludes"), + that you can find better artistic material in this line at + home, than you can obtain by seeking it abroad; yet when she + married, off she went to Milan, Venice, and so forth. For + pleasure, of course, not work; but work to her is evidently + pleasure. May happiness have accompanied her everywhere! The + drawings are pretty, rather of the goody-good + "Sunday-at-home-readings" kind of illustrations. And what on + earth has a sort of pictorial advertisement for "Somebody's + Soap" got to do with Street Arabs? "<i>Washed Ashore; or, Happy + At Last</i>," might be the title of this mer-baby picture, in + which two naked children, not Street Arabs, or Arabs of any + sort, are depicted as examining the inanimate body of a + nondescript creature, half flesh and half fish, which has been + thrown up by the waves "to be left till called for" by the next + high-tide, when, perhaps, its sorrowing parents, Mr. and Mrs. + MERMAN, or its widowed mother, Mrs. MERWOMAN, arrayed in + sea-"weeds," may come to claim it and give it un-christian + burial. But that the Baron, out of deference to the wishes of + "Caspeg, London," does not like to quote one single line, he + could give Mrs. STANLEY'S own account of how this picture of + the Mer-baby came to be included in the Street Arab Collection. + For such explanation the Baron refers the reader to the book + itself. "Caspeg," farewell!</p> + + <p>I have, the Baron says, commenced the first pages of <i>The + Last Days of Palmyra</i>. Good, so far; but several new books + have come in, and <i>Palmyra</i> cannot receive my undivided + attention, says</p> + + <p>THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + + <p>P.S.—My faithful "Co." has been reading <i>Ferrers + Court</i>, by JOHN STRANGE WINTER, author of <i>Bootle's + Baby</i> and a number of other + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" + id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> novelettes of like kind. He + says that he is getting just the least bit tired of + <i>Mignon</i>, and the plain-spoken girls, and the rest of + them. By the way, he observes that it seems to be the + fashion, judging from the pages of <i>Ferrers Court</i>, in + what he may call "Service Suckles," to talk continually of a + largely advertising lady's tailor. If this custom spreads, + he presumes that the popular topic of conversation, the + weather, will have to give place to the prior claims for + consideration of Somebody's Blacking, or Somebody-else's + Soap. This is to be regretted, as, in spite of the sameness + of subject of the <i>Bootle's Baby</i> series, JOHN STRANGE + WINTER is always more amusing than nine-tenths of his (or + should it be her?) contemporaries. B. De B.-W. & Co.</p> + + <p>P.S. No. 2.—The Baron wishes to add that on taking up + the <i>Bride of Lammermoor</i> in order to refresh his memory + before seeing the new drama, he was struck by a few lines in + the description of <i>Lucy Ashton</i>, which, during + rehearsals, must have been peculiarly appropriate to her + representative at the Lyceum, Miss ELLEN TERRY. Here they + are:—"To these details, however trivial, <i>Lucy</i> lent + patient and not indifferent attention. They moved and + interested <i>Henry</i>, and that was enough to secure her + ear." "Great Scott!" indeed! Perfectly prophetic, and + prophetically perfect. B. DE B.-W.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/149-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/149-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>AN EFFECTIVE MILITARY MANOEUVRE.</h3> + + <p>"The day of cocked hats and plumes is past and gone. + This head-dress is utterly unsuited for active + service."—<i>Military Correspondent's Letter to + Times</i>.</p> + + <p>SUGGESTION, IN CONSEQUENCE, FOR NEW COSTUME FOR GENERAL + OFFICERS—SO THAT THEY MIGHT BE MISTAKEN BY THE ENEMY + FOR HARMLESS GENTLEMEN-FARMERS ENGAGED IN AGRICULTURAL + PURSUITS.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>STALKING THE SAGACIOUS STAG.</h2> + + <h4><i>Sporting Notes from Our Special Representative</i>.</h4> + + <p>I had an invite from JEPSON, a Stock Exchange acquaintance, + who has rented a Moor for the winter months, and who, happening + to hear that I and my two foreign friends were in the + neighbourhood, most kindly asked me to come and have a look at + his box, and bring them with me.</p> + + <p>"I hear," he writes, "that the deer are very lively, and if + you want to show your foreign friends some first-rate British + Sport, you can't do better than bring them."</p> + + <p>Need I say that I jumped at this. Coming along on the top of + the coach, that takes us to Spital-hoo, the place my friend has + rented, I have been endeavouring to describe what I + <i>imagine</i> to be the nature of the sport of Deer-stalking + to the Chief and the Bulgarian Count. The former, who has been + listening attentively, says that, from my description, stalking + a stag must be very much the same as hunting the double-humped + bison in Mwangumbloola, and that the only weapon he shall take + with him will be a pickaxe. I have pointed out to him that I + don't think this will be any use, as in deer-stalking I fancy + you follow the stag <i>at some distance</i>, but he seems + resolute about the pickaxe, and so, I suppose, I must let him + have his way. The Bulgarian Count was deeply interested in the + matter, and says that evidently the proper weapon to use is a + species of quick-firing, repeating Hotchkiss, and that he has + one now on its way through Edinburgh, the invention of a + compatriot, that will fire 2700 two-ounce bullets in a minute + and a-half. I fancy, if he uses this, he will surprise the + neighbourhood; but, of course, I have not said anything to + interfere with his project.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/149-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/149-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>We have arrived at Spital-hoo all safe and sound, and JEPSON + has given us a most cordial welcome. But I must now have once + more recourse to my current notes.</p> + + <p>I have now been something like five hours on the tramp, + plodding my way through a deep glen in a pine forest, but have + not yet come across any sign of a stag, I started with the + Chief and the Count, but the former soon went off at a tangent + somewhere on his own hook, and the latter, who had got his + Hotchkiss with him and found it heavy work to drag it up and + down the mountain paths, I have left behind to take a rest and + recuperate himself. I pause in my walk and listen. The forest + is intensely still. Not a sign of a stag anywhere.</p> + + <p>JEPSON is left at home, as he is expecting a couple of local + Ministers to tea, but he has told me I'm "bound to come across + whole herds of them," if I only tramp long enough. Well, I've + been at it five hours, and I certainly ought to have spotted + something by this time. By Jove, though, what's that moving in + the path ahead of me? It is! <i>It is a stag!</i> A magnificent + fellow—though he appears to have only one horn. But, how + odd! I believe he has seen me, and yet doesn't seem scared! + Yes, he is actually approaching in the most leisurely fashion + in the world. But that isn't the correct thing. In + deer-stalking, I'm sure you ought to stalk the deer, not the + deer stalk you. And this creature is absolutely coming down on + me. Oh! I can't stand this. I shall have a shot at him. Bang! + Have fired—and <i>missed</i>! And, by Jove, the stag + doesn't seem to mind! He is coming nearer and nearer. He + actually comes close to where I am kneeling, and with facetious + friendliness removes my Tam o'Shanter! But, hulloah! who is + this speaking? "Ha, and would ye blaze awa wi' your weepons + upon poor old Epaminondas, mon!" It is an aged Highlander who + is addressing me, and he has just turned out of a bye-path. He + is fondling the creature's nose affectionately, and the stag + seems to know him. I remark as much.</p> + + <p>"Ha! sure he does," he replies, "Why there's nae a body doon + the glen but has got a friendly word for puir Old Epaminondas. + You see he's blind o' one 'ee, and he's lost one o' his + antlers, and he's a wee bit lame, and all the folk here about + treat him kindly, when ye thought to put that bit o' lead into + him just noo, sure he was just oomin' to ye for a bit o' + oatmeal cake."</p> + + <p>I express my regret for having so nearly shot the "Favourite + of the Glen" through inadvertence! I explain that I came out + deerstalking, and did not expect, of course, to come across a + perfectly tame and domestic stag.</p> + + <p>"A weel, there's nae mischief done," continues my + interlocutor; "but it's nae good a stalking Epaminondas, for + he's just a sagacious beastie altogether."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Here we are at the Lodge. But, hulloah! what's this uproar + on the lawn? A herd of deer dashing wildly over everything, + flowerbeds and all, and, yes, absolutely five of them bursting + into the house, through one of the drawing-room windows, while + JEPSON and the two kirk Ministers emerge hurriedly, terrified, + from the other. Crash! And what's <i>that</i>? Why, surely it + <i>can't</i> be—but yes, I believe it is—yes, it + <i>positively is</i> the Chief's pickaxe that has flown through + the air, and just smashed through the upper panes, scattering + the glass in a thousand fragments in all directions!</p> + + <p>And thus ends my Stalking for the Present, and (probably) + the Future!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" + id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/150.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/150.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>BLACK SYRENS.</h3> + + <p><i>This is how the lovely and accomplished Miss + B——ns (of ——, Portland Place) + managed to defray the expenses of their Sea-side Trip, this + Autumn, without anybody being any the wiser!</i></p> + + <p>"O-HI-O! O-HI-HO!<br /> + THERE NEVER WAS A FINER<br /> + GIRL THAN DINAH,<br /> + DOWN BY THE OHIO!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BRITISH LION AND THE GERMAN FOX; OR, A MISTAKE + SOMEWHERE.</h2> + + <h3>THE SEQUEL OF A FABLE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>See "The German Fox and the British Lion," Punch, + November 17, 1888.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"When Fox with Lion hunts, one would be sorry</p> + + <p>To say who gains—until they've shared the + quarry!"</p> + + <p class="i6">Such was the Moral</p> + + <p>Of the first chapter of our modern Fable.</p> + + <p>Is the co-partnership still strong and stable,</p> + + <p class="i6">Or are there signs of quarrel</p> + + <p>More than mere querulous quidnuncs invent</p> + + <p>To break companionship and mar content?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Reynard has settled down into that latitude,</p> + + <p class="i2">Pilgrim, perhaps, but certainly a + Trader.</p> + + <p>Does he not show a certain change of attitude,</p> + + <p class="i2">Suggestive rather less of the + Crusader,</p> + + <p>Eager to earn the black-skinned bondsman's + gratitude,</p> + + <p>Than of the Bagman with his sample-box?</p> + + <p class="i6">Ah, Master Fox!</p> + + <p>Somehow the scallop seems to slip aside,</p> + + <p>And that brave banner, which, with honest pride</p> + + <p>You waved, like some commercial + Quixote—verily</p> + + <p>'Tis not to-day so valorously flaunted,</p> + + <p class="i6">And scarce so cheerily.</p> + + <p>You boast the pure knight-errantry so vaunted,</p> + + <p class="i6">Some two years since,</p> + + <p>Eh? You unfeigned Crusading zeal evince?</p> + + <p class="i6">Whence, then, that rival banner</p> + + <p>Which you coquet with in so cautious manner?</p> + + <p>Hoisting it? Humph! Say, rather, just inspecting + it.</p> + + <p>But whether with intention of rejecting it,</p> + + <p>Or temporising with the sly temptation</p> + + <p class="i6">And making Proclamation</p> + + <p>Of views a trifle modified, and ardour</p> + + <p>A little cooled by thoughts of purse and larder.</p> + + <p class="i6">Why, that's the question.</p> + + <p>Reynard will probably resent suggestion</p> + + <p>Of playing renegade, in the cause of Trade,</p> + + <p>To that same Holy, Noble, New Crusade.</p> + + <p>"Only," he pleads, "don't fume, and fuss, and + worry,</p> + + <p>The New Crusade is not a thing <i>to hurry</i>;</p> + + <p>I never meant hot zealotry or haste—</p> + + <p>Things hardly to the solid Teuton taste!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And Leo? Well, he always had his doubts,</p> + + <p>Yet to indulge in fierce precipitate flouts</p> + + <p class="i6">Is not his fashion.</p> + + <p>The Anti-Slavery zeal, with him a passion,</p> + + <p>He knows less warmly shared by other traders;</p> + + <p class="i6">But <i>soi-disant</i> Crusaders</p> + + <p>Caught paltering with the Infidels, like + traitors,</p> + + <p>And hot enthusiast Emancipators</p> + + <p class="i2">Who the grim Slavery-demon gently + tackle,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wink at the scourge, and dally with the + shackle,</p> + + <p>Such, though they vaunt their zeal and + orthodoxy,</p> + + <p>Seem—for philanthropists—a trifle + foxy!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Réclame (Gratis).—Where is the Lessee of the + Haymarket? He ought to have been in India. He was wanted there. + The <i>Daily News</i>, last week, told us in its Morning News + Columns that "at a place called Beerbhoom"—clearly the + Indian spelling of Beerbohm—"there was a desirable piece + of land lying waste"—the very spot for a + theatre—"because it was reputed to be haunted by a + malignant goddess,"—that wouldn't matter as long as the + "gods" were well provided for. Then it continues, "They" (who?) + "did all they could to propitiate her, setting apart a + tree—." Yes; but it wasn't the right tree: of course it + ought to have been a BEERBHOOM TREE. His first drama might have + shown how a Buddhist priest couldn't keep a secret. + Thrilling!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Woman's Happiest Hour.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Sour old Cynic.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Yankee Journal raises wordy strife</p> + + <p>About "the happiest hour of Woman's life."</p> + + <p>I'll answer in less compass than a + sonnet:—</p> + + <p>"When she outshines her best friend's smartest + bonnet!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" + id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/151.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE BRITISH LION AND THE GERMAN FOX; OR, A MISTAKE + SOMEWHERE!</h3>(<i>Vide Cartoon, Nov. 17, 1888.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" + id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>THE PLEASURES OF GETTING UP EARLY TO GO + "CUBBING."</h3><a href="images/153-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/153-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="part1"> + <tr> + <td width="50%">1. The Meet was to be at Cropper's + Gorse, 5:30. At 4:30 Thompson called for me. He + said he knew the way perfectly.</td> + + <td width="50%">2. After we had gone a couple of + miles, a steady rain came on. I didn't think much + of the beauties of early morning.</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/153-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/153-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="part2"> + <tr> + <td width="50%">3. "Well, my man," said Thompson, + "seen the hounds? This is Cropper's Gorse, I + suppose?" "Noa, Sur; this be Cropper's Plantation. + The Gorse be four miles over yonder!"</td> + + <td width="50%">4. "Extraordinary thing I should + have been mistaken," said Thompson. "Never mind. + Let's canter on, and we'll see some fun yet."</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/153-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/153-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="part3"> + <tr> + <td width="50%">5. "Hi! my boy, is this Cropper's + Gorse?" asked Thompson. "Noa, Sur. This be + Cropper's Common. The Gorse be five miles over + yonder!"</td> + + <td width="50%">6. Then Thompson had the decency to + say, "Let's go back and have breakfast."</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RATS IN COUNCIL.</h2> + + <p>A mass meeting of Rats was held (unknown to the + Park-keepers) under the Reformer's Oak in Hyde Park, at + midnight of last Sunday. The object of the gathering was to + protest against the proposal made by a Correspondent of <i>The + Times</i>, that the "sewer-rats who had established themselves + in the sylvan retreat" known as Hyde Park Dell, should be + exterminated by means of "twenty ferrets and a few capable + dogs."</p> + + <p>Mr. RODENT (Senior) was called upon to preside. He took the + hillock amid waving of tails and much enthusiasm, and remarked + that he trusted that that vast assembly, one of the most + magnificent demonstrations that even Hyde Park had ever known, + would show by its orderly behaviour, that Rats knew how to + conduct business. (<i>Cheers.</i>) They lived in strange times. + A barbarous suggestion had been made to evict them—to + turn them out of house and home, by means of what he might call + Emergency Ferrets. (<i>Groans, and cries of "Boycott + them!"</i>) He feared that boycotting a ferret would not do + much good. (<i>A squeak—"Why not try + rattening?"—and laughter.</i>) Arbitration seemed to him + the most politic course under the circumstances. + (<i>Cheers.</i>) They were accused of eating young moor-chicks. + Well, was a Rat to starve? ("<i>No, no!</i>") Did not a Rat owe + a duty to those dependent upon it? (<i>Cheers, and cries of + "Yes!"</i>) He appealed to the opinion of the civilised world + to put a stop—At this point in the Chair-rat's address, + an alarm of "Dogs!" was raised, and the meeting at once + dispersed in some confusion.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE JOURNALIST-AT-ARMS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who would not be a Journalist-at-Arms?</p> + + <p>Life for that paladin hath poignant charms.</p> + + <p>Whether in pretty quarrel he shall run</p> + + <p>Just half an inch of rapier—in pure + fun—</p> + + <p>In his opponent's biceps, or shall flick</p> + + <p>His shoulders with a slender walking-stick.</p> + + <p>The "stern joy" of the man indeed must rise</p> + + <p>To raptures and heroic ecstacies.</p> + + <p>Oh, glorious climax of a vulgar squabble,</p> + + <p>To redden your foe's nose, or make him hobble</p> + + <p>For half a week or so, as though, perchance,</p> + + <p>He'd strained an ancle in a leap or dance!</p> + + <p>Feeble sword-play or futile fisticuffs</p> + + <p>Might be disdained by warriors—or roughs;</p> + + <p>But to the squabbling scribe the farce has + charms.</p> + + <p>Who would not be a Journalist-at-Arms?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"WANTED!"</h2> + + <p>A thoroughly well appointed and handsomely furnished COUNTRY + MANSION (Elizabethan or Jacobæan period preferred) wanted + immediately. It must contain not less than 50 bedrooms, + appropriate reception-rooms, and a hall capable of being + utilised for <i>fêtes</i> and gala entertainments on a + large scale, and must stand in the midst of extensive timbered + grounds, surrounded by orangeries, hot-houses, and beautifully + kept pleasure grounds replete with the choicest pieces of + statuary and ornamental fountains arranged for electrical + illumination, the perfect installation of which on the + premises, on the newest principles, is regarded as a <i>sine + quâ non</i> by the Advertiser. The shooting over four or + five hundred acres, and the meeting of not less than three + packs of hounds in the immediate neighbourhood, with salmon and + trout fishing within easy distance of the mansion, are also + considered indispensable. Particulars as to the surrounding + country gentry are requested. Write also stating whether any + recognised race-meeting is held in the immediate vicinity. The + distance of the property from town must not be more than half + an hour's railway journey, and the inclusive rent must not + exceed <i>five and twenty shillings a week</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" + id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/154.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/154.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE POPULAR GAME OF ARTHUR GOLFOUR.</h3>AS UNDERSTOOD + BY THE MASS OF THE PUBLIC. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" + id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/155-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/155-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE DEMON ALPS</h3> + + <p>(<i>Our Artist's Dream, after reading the numerous + Accidents to Mountain-Climbers.</i>)</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ODE TO OZONE.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>By a Poor Paterfamilias.</i>)</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"London is a terrible consumer of + ozone."—<i>Standard</i>.</p> + + <p>A'R—"<i>The Dutchman's Little Dog.</i>"</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O where and O where, is our treasured Ozone?</p> + + <p class="i2">O where, and O where can it be?</p> + + <p>From London to leeward 'tis utterly gone,</p> + + <p class="i2">To windward but little floats free.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since SCHÖNBEIN of Basle discovered the + stuff,</p> + + <p class="i2">We've lived half a cen-tu-ree.</p> + + <p>If of it we only could swallow enough,</p> + + <p class="i2">How healthy, how happy were we!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Condensed form of oxygen, essence of air</p> + + <p class="i2">That's fresh, or electricitee,</p> + + <p>Ozone is the stuff shaken health to repair.</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis for it we all fly to the sea!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Solidified Ozone they talk about now,</p> + + <p class="i2">To be bought in small bricks like pressed + tea.</p> + + <p>The air that is cheering when breathed on one's + brow</p> + + <p class="i2">In cubic foot-blocks would bring + glee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How pleasant to buy one's Ozone, like one's + coal,</p> + + <p>And store it up an-nu-al-lee!</p> + + <p>And not fly for it to some dull cockney hol</p> + + <p class="i2">Just because it is dug by the Sea!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah yes, let us have it, this needful Ozone,</p> + + <p class="i2">In portable parcels! Ah me!</p> + + <p>No longer need Paterfamilias groan</p> + + <p class="i2">At the cost of that month by the Sea!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SHAKSPEARIAN MOTTO FOR THE NEW UNIONISM.—(<i>Dedicated + to the Artisan left out in the cold</i>.)—"In the ambush + of my name, strike home!"—<i>Measure for Measure</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MY UMBRELLA.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twere hard indeed to try to get</p> + + <p class="i2">A theme without some poem on + it—</p> + + <p>A vilanelle, a triolet,</p> + + <p class="i2">An ode, an epic, or a sonnet.</p> + + <p>CASTARA'S charms were sung of old,</p> + + <p class="i2">Both SWIFT and SIDNEY, wrote to + STELLA,</p> + + <p>But mine it is to first unfold</p> + + <p>The praise of my beloved Umbrella.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You are not difficult to please,</p> + + <p class="i2">Although no doubt a trifle "knobby;"</p> + + <p>Whilst I'm reclining at mine ease,</p> + + <p class="i2">I leave you standing in the lobby.</p> + + <p>I ever treat you thus, and yet</p> + + <p class="i2">I haven't got a friend who's firmer;</p> + + <p>In point of fact, you even let</p> + + <p class="i2">Me shut you up without a murmur.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now some seek solace sweet in smoke,</p> + + <p class="i2">And make a pipe their AMARYLLIS;</p> + + <p>So think not that I do but joke</p> + + <p class="i2">In calling you my darling PHYLLIS.</p> + + <p>And though the gossips never spare</p> + + <p class="i2">For ill-report to seek a handle,</p> + + <p>The (indiarubber) ring you wear</p> + + <p class="i2">Prevents the very thought of scandal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fair weather, friend," we've often heard</p> + + <p class="i2">Used as a term to throw discredit,</p> + + <p>Though clearly it were quite absurd</p> + + <p class="i2">If speaking of yourself one said it.</p> + + <p>When skies are blue (a thing that's rare)</p> + + <p class="i2">I in the coolest way forsake you,</p> + + <p>But when the Forecast tells me "Fair,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Or "Settled Sunshine," then I take + you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I like to think of one sweet day</p> + + <p class="i2">When cats and dogs it kept on + raining,</p> + + <p>(Why "cats and dogs," it's right to say,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who will oblige me by explaining?)</p> + + <p>When someone, who had golden hair,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I were walking out together,</p> + + <p>And underneath your sheltering care,</p> + + <p class="i2">Were happy spite of wind and weather.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One day I asked a friend to dine,</p> + + <p class="i2">The friend I most completely trusted.</p> + + <p>We sat and chatted o'er the wine,</p> + + <p class="i2">He liked the port—my fine old + crusted.</p> + + <p>At length we said "Good-night." He went</p> + + <p class="i2">But not alone. For to my sorrow</p> + + <p>My mind with jealousy was rent,</p> + + <p class="i2">To find you missing on the morrow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You had eloped! Yet all the same</p> + + <p class="i2">I felt quite sure you were his + victim,</p> + + <p>When back a sorry wreck you came,</p> + + <p class="i2">I very nearly went and kicked him!</p> + + <p>Did Love take wings, and fly away?</p> + + <p class="i2">Grew my affection less? No, never!</p> + + <p>To tell the truth, I'm bound to say</p> + + <p class="i2">I fondly loved you more than ever!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With him—the man who was my friend—</p> + + <p class="i2">It's pretty clear you got on badly;</p> + + <p>Your ribs, somehow, seem prone to bend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your silken dress seems wearing + sadly.</p> + + <p>It's very hard, I know, to part,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sentimental feelings smother,</p> + + <p>But even though it break my heart,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm going, next week, to get another.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>EPITAPH ON A PLATE OF VENISON (<i>a suggestion, at the + service of those who collect menu cards</i>).—"Though + lost to sight, to memory deer!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" + id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> + + <h2>HISTORY AS SHE IS WROTE!</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>Last week the <i>St. James's Gazette</i> published an + article proving that the Bastille, so far from being a + gloomy prison, was the most delightful of hotels. This + historical record has, however, caused no surprise in 85, + Fleet Street, because the following extract from a very old + diary has for years been awaiting publication. The time has + now arrived for it to see the light.</p> + </blockquote> + + <h3>GAY MOMENTS AT THE ANCIENT BAILEY.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/156-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/156-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Newgate, September 29, 17—</i>.—Got up with + the assistance of my valet, and held my customary + <i>levée</i>. The Governor of the place asked my + permission to enter my luxuriously furnished apartments, to + show me an amusing set of irons that had been discovered in one + of the cells used during the last two hundred years for the + storage of fire-wood. The droll things were called the "Little + Ease," and seemingly, were intended to create merriment. One of + the officers was complacent enough to assume them, and caused + great diversion by his eccentric gestures. My + <i>levée</i> was not quite so successful, as is + generally the case, as that tedious old gossip, GUIDO FAUX, + obtained admission. As usual he had a grievance. It appears + that a report has got abroad that he was executed in the days + of our late lamented Monarch, JAMES THE FIRST of Great Britain, + and SIXTH of Scotland. Says GUIDO, "If this be believed by the + multitude there will be a demand for my expulsion, and what + shall I do if I be turned out?" Condoled with him, and escaped + his importunities by joining with Master JOHN SHEPPARD, and + Squire TURPIN in a game of "Lorne Ten Hys," a recreation + recently introduced by my good neighbour Monsieur CLAUDE DU + VAL. Failed in making a goal, and put out thereat. However, + regained my usual flow of spirits on receiving a polite request + from the Governor to join him and his good Dame in a visit to + the Tower of London, to call upon Lady JANE GREY—once + Queen—and now a guest in that admirable institution. Was + graciously received by Her Ladyship, who is now of advanced + age. Her Ladyship was vastly amused at the news that had + reached her that some chroniclers do insist that she has lost + her head. "I have in good sooth lost my teeth," laughed the + venerable gentlewoman "but my head is as firmly set upon my + shoulders as ever. I do verily believe that it must be some mad + piece of waggery of that Prince of good fellows, Sir WALTER + RALEIGH. The aged Knight is always up to some of his nonsense!" + After playing a game of quoits with Lord BALMARINO and the + Tower Headsman (whose office is a well-paid sinecure), I + returned to Newgate, greatly pleased with my morning's + promenade. In the afternoon, entertained the Governor at + dinner, who declared that he could never get so good a meal in + his own quarters. "Strap me, no!" I exclaimed: "and, were it + not that our food was excellent, who would stay at Newgate?" + For I confess that, although there are pleasure-gardens, and + every sort of amusement and comfort, Newgate, at times, is + decidedly damp. Then I raised a glass of punch to my lips, and + wished him the same luck that I myself enjoyed. "And that I + had!" quoth he. "Would I were prisoner instead of Governor. But + it would not be meet. I am not a man of sufficient quality!" + And now I must bring this entry to a conclusion, for there is + to be a theatrical performance in the dining-hall. Little DAVID + GARRICK is to play the principal male character, while Mistress + NELLIE GWYNE, Mistress SIDDONS, and Mistress PEG WOFFINGTON, + are also in the cast. The title of the piece is <i>Hamlet</i>, + and I am told it is written by a young man new to Town. The + name of the author is either SHAKSPEARE or SMITH. I am not sure + which, but think SMITH.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>P.S.—Open my Diary once again. <i>Hamlet</i> a poor + piece. It is now said that it was written by BACON or BUCHANAN. + Of the former I know nothing, and posterity must discover the + identity of the latter. For the rest, if again I am pressed to + go to the Play—strap me! but, comfortable as I am, I will + pack up my traps, and be off from Newgate—for ever!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Before</i> Mr. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.)</h4> + + <h4><i>A Shareholder in a Gas Company introduced.</i></h4> + + <p><i>The Commissioner</i> (<i>sharply</i>). Well, Sir, what is + it?</p> + + <p><i>Shareholder</i>. I have come to complain about the Gas + Companies—</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> I am not surprised. They are generally + causing some one or other trouble.</p> + + <p><i>Shareh.</i> No, I beg your pardon, Sir, but you + misunderstand me. I am interested in the prosperity of Gas + Companies—</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/156-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/156-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> Then I pity you, for they are certain, + sooner or later, to be superseded by the Electric Light.</p> + + <p><i>Shareh.</i> Will you allow me to continue? I am annoyed + that some one has been complaining in the <i>Times</i> that "A + Chief of a Rental Department" (invariably a person of the + highest respectability) has a right to the title of "an + arbitrary cove!"</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> No doubt someone (who showed his wisdom in + appealing to so powerful a tribunal) gave his reasons?</p> + + <p><i>Shareh.</i> Well, yes; he certainly had been served with + a demand to pay £1 4<i>s.</i> 10<i>d.</i> within three + days, to "prevent the necessity" of the gas supply to his + premises being discontinued at a time when he and his family + were out of Town, and his house was closed for the recess.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> <i>Primâ facie</i>, that seems a + strong order! And I suppose the complainant wrote to the Gas + Company, and got no redress?</p> + + <p><i>Shareh.</i> Well, yes. But then, you see, this demand for + payment within three days may have been a final notice.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> (<i>drily</i>). Seems to have been very + final indeed! Was there anything on the face of the notice to + distinguish it from an ordinary unstamped circular?</p> + + <p><i>Shareh.</i> No, I believe not. But, then, possibly, the + account had been submitted to him before.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> How do you know? Speaking from my own + experience, a demand-note is generally left at the house when + the master is away, and the Collector does not take the + slightest trouble to <i>collect</i> the money. He leaves it to + chance whether the money is <i>sent</i> or not. Surely + <i>you</i> must know that in your character of a + householder?</p> + + <p><i>Shareh.</i> Well, yes; I fancy that the collector does + sometimes act in a very perfunctory manner.</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> And that servants frequently are unable to + distinguish between the open circular of a Gas Company asking + for the settlement of an account, and the open circular of a + touting coal merchant asking for custom? And when this happens, + both find a home in the dust-hole. Is not that so?</p> + + <p><i>Shareh.</i> Well, yes—very likely—but the law + is—</p> + + <p><i>The Com.</i> (<i>sternly</i>). The Law and its name + should not be lightly taken in vain. I have seen on a Gas + Company's circular the terrors of a statute invoked to secure + prompt payment of a few shillings! After all, the Gas Companies + (albeit monopolists) are merely traders, and the Public are the + customers. If a butcher, a baker, or a candle-stick maker + invariably attempted to secure immediate payment by reference + on the invoice to the usefulness of the County Court, it is + more than possible that that butcher, that baker, or that + candle-stick maker, would speedily have to retire from business + <i>viâ</i> the Bankruptcy column of <i>The London + Gazette</i>. Thus Gas Companies, who adopt a like unpleasant + tone, are regarded as the natural enemies of the Public + generally. You have a grievance—as a shareholder of one + of these Associations—but this is not the place to obtain + redress. If you want to improve your position, keep your eye + upon your <i>employés</i>, and teach them the meaning of + that well-worn phrase, <i>Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re!</i> + You may go!</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[<i>The Witness then retired, with difficulty repressing + a painful exhibition of the most acute emotion.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr /> + + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, Sept. 27, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12262-h.htm or 12262-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/2/6/12262/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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