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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12262 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 99.
+
+
+
+September 27, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._)
+
+NO. XIX.--THE SERVANT OF SOCIETY.
+
+The Servant of Society is one who, having in early life abdicated
+every claim to independent thought or action, is content to attach
+himself to the skirts and coat-tails of the great, and to exist for
+a long time as a mere appendage in mansions selected by the unerring
+instinct of a professional tuft-hunter. It is as common a mistake to
+suppose that all tuft-hunters are necessarily of lowly birth and of
+inferior social position, as it is to believe them all to be offensive
+in manner and shallow in artifice. The coarse but honest Snob still
+perhaps exists, and here and there he thrusts and pushes in the old
+familiar way; but more often than not the upstart who has won his
+way to wealth and consideration finds himself to his own surprise
+courted and fawned upon by those whose boots his abilities would
+have fitted him to black, and his disposition prompted him to lick.
+Noble sportsmen are proud to be seen in his company, aristocratic
+guinea-pigs are constantly in his pocket in the congenial society
+of the great man's purse, art willingly reproduces his features,
+journalism enthusiastically commemorates his adventures, and even
+Royalty does not thrust away a votary whose ministrations are as
+acceptable as they are readily performed. Without much effort on his
+own part he is raised to pinnacles which he imagined impossible of
+access, and soon learns to look down with a contempt that might spring
+of ancient lineage and assured merit, upon the hungry crowd whose cry
+is that of the daughter of the horse-leech.
+
+But the genuine Servant of Society is of a different stamp. Ordinarily
+he is of a good family, and of a competence which both differs from
+and resembles his general character in being possessed at once of the
+attributes of modesty and assurance. From an early age he will have
+been noted for the qualities which in after-life render him humbly
+celebrated in subordinate positions. At school he will have had
+the good fortune to be attached as fag to a big boy who occupied an
+important place as an athlete, and whose condescending smiles were
+naturally an object of greater ambition to the small fry than the
+approval of the school authorities. For him he performed with much
+assiduity the various duties of a fag, happy to shine amongst his
+companions as the recipient of the great boy's favours. To play the
+jackal without incurring universal dislike is (at school) no very
+easy task, but he accomplishes it with discretion and with a natural
+aptitude that many maturer jackals might envy.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+At the age of seventeen he is withdrawn from school. His own
+marked disinclination saves him from a military career, and he is
+subsequently sent to pass a year or two upon the Continent of Europe,
+in order that he may first of all pass the examination for the
+Diplomatic Service, and subsequently foil foreign statesmen with their
+own weapons, and in their own language. Returning, he secures his
+nomination, and faces the Examiners. Providence, however, reserves him
+for lower things. The Examiners triumph, and the career of the Servant
+of Society begins in earnest. The position of his parents secures for
+him an entrance into good houses. He is a young man of great tact and
+of small accomplishments. He can warble a song, aid a great lady to
+organise a social festivity, lead a cotillon, order a dinner, and help
+to eat it, act in amateur theatricals, and recommend French novels to
+inquiring matrons. His manners are always easy, and his conversation
+has that spice of freedom which renders it specially acceptable in
+the boudoirs of the smart. The experience of a few years makes plain
+to him that, in social matters, the serious person goes down before
+the trifler. He therefore cultivates flippancy as a fine art, and
+becomes noted for a certain cheap cynicism, which he sprinkles like a
+quasi-intellectual pepper over the strong meat of risky conversation.
+Moreover, he is constantly self-satisfied, and self-possessed. Yet
+he manages to avoid giving offence by occasionally assuming a gentle
+humility of manner, to which he almost succeeds in imparting a natural
+air, and he studiously refrains from saying or doing anything which,
+since it may cause other men to provoke him, may possibly result in
+his being forced to pretend that he himself has been ruffled. Yet it
+must be added that he is always thoroughly harmless. He flutters about
+innumerable dovecots, without ever fluttering those who dwell in them,
+and, in course of time, he comes to be known and accepted everywhere
+as a useful man. As might be supposed, he is never obtrusively manly.
+The rough pursuits of the merely athletic repel him, yet he has the
+knack of assuming an interest where he feels it not, and is able to
+prattle quite pleasantly about sports in which he takes little or no
+active part. At the same time it must be admitted that he holds a gun
+fairly straight, and does not disgrace himself when the necessity
+of slaughtering a friend's pheasants interrupts for a few hours the
+rehearsals of private theatricals, in company with the friend's wife.
+Certainly he is not a fool. He gauges with great accuracy his own
+capacities, and carefully limits his ambition to those smaller desires
+which, since they exact no vaulting power, are never likely to bring
+about a fall on the other side. The objects of his admiration are
+mean; and since he meanly admires them, he comes quite naturally under
+the Thackerayan definition of a Snob.
+
+Whilst he is still a year or two on the fair side of thirty, it may
+happen that a turn of the political wheel will bring into high office
+a statesman who is quite willing to be served by those who are able
+to make themselves useful to him, without exacting from them solidity
+either of character or of attainments. With him the Servant of
+Society, with an instinct that does credit to his discernment, will
+have established friendly relations. The politician was first amused
+and then impressed by his versatility; now, having the opportunity,
+he offers to him the position of Assistant Private Secretary (unpaid),
+and it is scarcely necessary to say that the young man accepts it
+with a gratitude which proves that he believes his patron capable
+of conferring further favours. From this time forward he begins to
+abandon the merely frivolous air that has hitherto distinguished him.
+He lays in a mixed stock of solemnity, mystery, and importance, and
+occasionally awes the friends of his flippant days by assuming the
+reticent look and the shake of the head of one who is marked off from
+common mortals by the possession of secrets the revelation of which
+might, perhaps, imperil the peace of the world. In country-houses,
+in London drawing-rooms, and at Clubs, where he had hitherto been
+mentioned with a laugh as "Little So-and-So," he comes to be talked
+of as "So-and-So--of course you know him--Lord BLANK'S Private
+Secretary." Thus he becomes quite a personage. But he is far from
+abandoning the _rôle_ of Servant of Society. Indeed, he only enlarges
+and glorifies the scope of his ministrations, without in any way
+ceasing to cultivate those smaller trifles which stood him in such
+good stead at the outset of his career. He now has the satisfaction
+of seeing many of those who desire anything that a Cabinet Minister
+can give, cringing to one whom they despise, and who rejoices in the
+knowledge that he can afford to patronise them, and perhaps crush them
+by obtaining for them that which they want.
+
+When, in the course of a few years, Lord BLANK'S party ceases to
+direct the government of the country, his Assistant Private Secretary
+follows him into the cold shade of adversity and opposition, and
+stands by him with exemplary usefulness and fidelity. But, though he
+is often pressed, he never contests a constituency, feeling, perhaps,
+that it is impossible to serve both Society and the Caucus. In time
+his name becomes the common property of all Society journals--his
+biography is published in one, his discreet service is extolled in
+another, while a third goes so far as to hint that, if the truth were
+known, it would be found that the various departments of the State
+could not possibly carry on their affairs without his enlightened
+counsel. He adopts an antique fashion of dress, in order to emphasise
+his personality. He wears a stock, and a very wide-brimmed hat, and
+carries a bunch of seals dangling from a fob.
+
+At forty-five he marries the daughter of a powerful Peer, and, shortly
+afterwards, insures so much of the favour of Royalty as to be spoken
+of as a _persona grata_ at Court. Henceforward his services are often
+employed in delicate negotiations, which may necessitate the climbing
+of many back-stairs. On such occasions, and after it has been
+announced in the papers that "Mr. So-and-so was the bearer of an
+important communication" from one great person to another, it is his
+custom to show himself in his Clubs and in crowded haunts, so that he
+may enjoy the pleasure of being pointed out, _digita prætereuntium_,
+and of catching the whispers of those who nudge one another as they
+mention his name.
+
+Finally, it will be rumoured that he has been collecting materials for
+the Memoirs which he proposes shortly to publish. But though he never
+disclaims the intention, and is even understood, on more than one
+occasion, to allude in conversation to the precise period of his life
+to which his writing has then brought him, it is quite certain that
+he will never carry out the intention, or bring out the book. At
+the age of sixty he will still be a young man, with a gay style of
+banter peculiarly his own. Towards the end of his life he will often
+talk darkly of great events in which he has played a part, and of
+extraordinary services which only he could have performed; and when he
+dies, the country will be called upon to mourn for one who has saved
+it from social degradation, and from political disaster.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PIG IN A POKE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    [According to the _Standard_, by the new Meat Inspection Law,
+    just come into force in the United States, American cattle
+    and pigs for export to England, France, or Germany, are to be
+    inspected before leaving America, with a view to removing the
+    grounds of objection on the part of those Governments to the
+    unrestricted reception of these important American exports.
+    Should any foreign Government, fearful of pleuro-pneumonia
+    or trichinosis, refuse to trust to the infallibility of the
+    American inspectors, the President of the United States is
+    authorised to retaliate by directing that such products of
+    such foreign State as he may deem proper shall be excluded
+    from importation to the United States.]
+
+  O SENATOR EDMONDS, of verdant Vermont,
+  Of wisdom you may be a marvellous font;
+  But you'll hardly get JOHN,--'tis too much of a joke!--
+  To buy in your fashion a Pig in a Poke;
+                          Which nobody can expect!
+
+  To slaughter your Cattle when reaching our shore,
+  You probably think is no end of a bore;
+  But even your valiant Vermonters to please,
+  We cannot afford to spread Cattle-disease,
+                          Which nobody can desire.
+
+  A Yankee Inspector is all very fine,
+  But if pleuro-pneumonia crosses the line,
+  And with BULL'S bulls and heifers should play up the deuce,
+  A Yankee Inspector won't be of much use,
+                          Which nobody can dispute.
+
+  A Yankee Inspector you seem to suppose is
+  A buckler and barrier against trichinosis;
+  Bat trichinae pass without passports. Bacilli
+  And microbes that Yankee _might_ miss willy-nilly,
+                          Which nobody can deny.
+
+  Port-slaughter restrictions may limit your trade.
+  Well, your Tariffs Protective to help _us_ aren't made,
+  And we cannot run dangers to plump up your wealth,
+  Until you can show us a clean bill of health,
+                          Which nobody can assert.
+
+  And as to that cudgel tucked under your arm,
+  You fancy, perhaps, it will act as a charm.
+  No, JONATHAN! JOHN to your argument's dull,
+  And you will not convince him by cracking his skull,
+                          Which nobody can suppose.
+
+  The Gaul and the Teuton seem much of my mind,
+  And, despite your new Law, you will probably find
+  That Yankee Inspectors, plus menaces big,
+  Rehabilitate not the American Pig,
+                          Which nobody can affirm.
+
+  No, JONATHAN, JOHNNY feels no animosity,
+  He'd like, with yourself, to have true Reciprocity;
+  But neither your Law, nor a smart cudgel-stroke,
+  Will make him--or them--buy your Pig in a Poke--
+                          Which nobody can particularly
+                            wonder at, after all; now can
+                              they, JONATHAN?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NOMINE MUTATO."--For some weeks there was a considerable amount of
+correspondence in the _Times_, anent "Ecclesiastical Titles," which
+suddenly disappeared. Was the topic resumed one day last week under
+the new heading, "_The Symbolical Representation of Ciphers_?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM THE LYCEUM.--With a view to supplying the entire world
+with the current number, _Mr. Punch_ goes to press at a date too early
+to permit of a criticism of _Ravenswood_. So he contents himself (for
+the present) by merely recording that at the initial performance on
+Saturday last all went as happily ("merrily," with so sombre a plot,
+is _not_ the word) as a marriage-bell. There was a striking situation
+towards the end of the drama which was both novel and interesting. Mr.
+IRVING received and deserved a grand reception, and it was generally
+admitted that amongst the many admirable impersonations for which MISS
+ELLEN TERRY is celebrated, her _Bride of Lammermoor_ appropriately
+"takes the cake!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY PRETTY JANE.
+
+(_LATEST VERSION_.)
+
+    [It is said that the price of wheat and the marriage-rate go
+    together, most people getting married when wheat is highest.]
+
+  My pretty JANE, my dearest JANE,
+    Ah, never look so shy,
+  But meet me, meet me in the market,
+    When the price of wheat rules high.
+  The glut is waning fast, my love,
+    And corn is getting dear;
+  Good (Hymen) times are coming, love,
+    Ceres our hearts shall cheer.
+      Then pretty JANE, though poorish JANE,
+        Ah, never pipe your eye,
+      But meet me, meet me at the Altar,
+        For the price of wheat rules high!
+
+  Yes, name the day, the happy day,
+    I can afford the ring;
+  For corn rules high, the marriage rate
+    Mounts up like anything;
+  The "quarter" stands at fifty, love,
+    Which, for Mark Lane is dear.
+  Our wedding day is coming, love,
+    Our married course is clear.
+      Then, pretty JANE, if poorish JANE,
+        Ah, never look so shy;
+      But meet me, meet me at the Altar,
+        When the price of wheat rules high!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TAKEN ON TRUST.
+
+_Viscount Conamorey_ (_whose recollections of the antique are somewhat
+hazy_). "AW--A--WHAT BEAUTIFUL ARMS AND HANDS YOU'VE GOT, MRS.
+BOUNDER! THEY REMIND ME OF THE VENUS OF MILO'S!"
+
+_Mrs. B._ (_who has never even seen the Venus of Milo_). "_OH_! YOU
+_FLATTERER_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INVOCATION.
+
+(_BY A TOWN MOUSE._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Come back to Town! Why wander where
+    The snow-clad peaks arise?
+  Our English sunsets are as fair,
+    With red September skies.
+  Soft is the matutinal mist
+    Through which the trees loom brown;
+  Come back, if only to be kist,--
+                      Come back to Town!
+
+  For evermore, in days like these,
+    When musing on your face,
+  My sad imagination sees
+    Another in my place.
+  Say, do you listen to his prayer,
+    Or slay him with a frown?
+  At any rate I can't be there.
+                      Come back to Town!
+
+  Why linger by some far-off lake
+    Or Continental strand?
+  St. Martin's Summer comes to make
+    A glory in the land.
+  The river runs a golden stream
+    Where WREN'S great dome looks down;
+  Thine eyes, methinks, have brighter gleam;
+                      Come back to Town!
+
+  I hear your voice upon the wind,
+    In dreamland you appear;
+  But do you wonder that I find
+    The day so long and drear?
+  _Lentis adhærens brachiis_ come
+   Once more my life to crown;
+  Without thee 'tis too burdensome.
+                      Come back to Town!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+AT AN AFTERNOON CALL.
+
+"_So glad to see you at last. Now don't let me interrupt your talk
+with Mrs. VEREKER_;" i.e., "If I do, I shall be let in for being
+button-holed."
+
+"_Do let me get you some tea--you must be dying for a cup_;" i.e.,
+"Know _I_ am."
+
+"_So sorry_--_I fear everything is cold. Do let me have some fresh tea
+made for you_;" i.e., "He can't accept _that_ offer."
+
+IN A NON-SMOKING CARRIAGE.
+
+"_You don't mind my cigar, do you?_" i.e., "I know he does, but I'm
+not going to waste it."
+
+(_Reply to the above query._)
+
+"_Oh, not at all!_" i.e., "Beastly thing! If he wasn't so confoundedly
+selfish and stingy, he'd throw it away."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I'M AFLOAT!"
+
+(NEWCASTLE-ON-TYNE VERSION.)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I'm afloat, I'm afloat on the coaly black Tyne!
+  The draft licence sent me I begged to decline;
+  Though other chaps had 'em, they were not for me;
+  I prefer a free flag, on the strictest Q.T.
+  A sly "floating factory" thus I set up
+  (I'm a mixture of RUPERT the Rover and KRUPP).
+  At Jarrow Slake moored, my trim wherry or boat
+  I rejoiced in, and sung "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!"
+  For quick-firing guns ammunition I made,
+  Engaging (says FORD) in the contraband trade.
+  An inquest _was_ held, but its verdict cleared _me_.
+  I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free!
+
+  I fear not the Government, heed not its law.
+  Much rumpus is made, we shall hear lots of jaw:
+  An explosion took place on October the third,
+  My sly "floating factory" blew up like a bird.
+  It killed one poor fellow, and damaged a lot,
+  But I am a Great Gun, and got off like a shot;
+  Indeed all were well, but for cold Colonel FORD,
+  Who blames _me_, the Rover! Too bad, on my word!
+  The Pirate of Elswick shall not be the sport
+  of a fussy Commission's ill-tempered Report.
+  To bring me to book is all fiddlededee--
+  I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free!
+
+  I contraband, careless? Why, everyone owns
+  _That_ is natural, 'neath the black flag and cross-bones.
+  No mere paltry maker of fireworks am I,
+  But a Rover who's free, whose sole roof is the sky.
+  The law of the land may the petty appal.
+  But frighten the Rover? Oh no, not at all!
+  And ne'er to Commissions or Colonels I'll yield,
+  Whilst there's Black Tyne to back me or Whitehall to shield.
+  Unfurl the Black Flag! shake its folds to the wind!
+  And I'll warrant we'll soon leave sea-lawyers behind.
+  Up, up with the flag! Pirate's licence for me!
+  I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEFINITION OF MILITARY MANOEUVRES.--"Peace-work."
+
+DARWINITES.--"The Evolutionary Squadron."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Speaking of _Reynart the Fox_, I was made, by a slip of the printer's
+hand--I am accustomed to seeing slips _from_ his hand, which is quite
+another thing--to say that this mediæval romance "presents a truer
+picture of life than novels in which vice is punished and virtue
+patiently rewarded." After considering for some time what on earth
+I could have meant by "patiently rewarded," I remembered that I had
+written "patently rewarded." The printer put my "i" out; and without
+an "i" it was very difficult to perceive the sense of the phrase.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Nutshell Novels_, by that crack writer--no, not "crack'd"--and poet,
+whose verses send a frill right through us, Mr. J. ASHBY-STERRY, are
+coming out. Capital title. As SHAKSPEARE says, "Sermons in stones,
+novels in nutshells, and good in everything." SHELLEY'S poems might
+be brought out in pocketable form under a similar title, _Nut-Shelley
+Poems._ I have not yet seen the volume in question, only heard tell
+of it, and should not be surprised to hear that the central novel and
+the best was a short military novel, entitled _The Kernel_. Messrs.
+HUTCHINSON & Co. are the publishers. I hope Mr. STERRY has illustrated
+them himself. He can draw and paint, but he won't, and there's an end
+on't. He must follow up the _Nutshells_ with a volume of _Crackers_,
+about Christmas time.
+
+Just been looking through _London Street Arabs_, by Mrs. H.M. STANLEY,
+published by CASSELL & Co., which firm--whose telegraphic address is
+"Caspeg, London," and a good name too--writes to the Baron thus:--"_In
+forwarding you an early copy_"--small and early--"_of Mrs. Stanley's
+book, we will ask you to be good enough_"--("I am 'good enough'" quoth
+the Baron)--"to _confine your extracts from the Introduction to an
+extent not exceeding one-third of the whole_." "Willingly, my dear
+'Caspeg,'" replies the Baron, who does not like being dictated to,
+and, to gratify your wish to the utmost, he will make no extracts
+at all from the book, a proceeding which ought mightily to delight
+"Caspeg, London." What next? Will publishers send to the Baron, and
+request him not even to breathe the names of their books? By all
+means. He has no objection, as, whether sent to him for review, or
+purchased by him _pour se distraire_, the Baron only mentions those he
+likes, or, if he mentions those he dislikes, 'tis _pro bono publico_,
+and there's an end on't. Mrs. STANLEY appreciates humour, as the
+following anecdote will show--But, dear me, the Baron is forgetful--he
+begs "Caspeg's" pardon; he mustn't quote. Mrs. STANLEY can be truly
+sympathetic with sorrow, as the following story proves--no, "Caspeg,"
+the story must _not_ follow. Never mind--the Baron's dear readers
+will read it for themselves if they feel "so dispoged." The Baron
+supposes that all this was written and drawn while Mrs. STANLEY was
+Miss DOROTHY TENNANT, because her recorded opinion, probably, as a
+spinster, is (and here the Baron "quotes" not, but "alludes"), that
+you can find better artistic material in this line at home, than you
+can obtain by seeking it abroad; yet when she married, off she went
+to Milan, Venice, and so forth. For pleasure, of course, not work;
+but work to her is evidently pleasure. May happiness have accompanied
+her everywhere! The drawings are pretty, rather of the goody-good
+"Sunday-at-home-readings" kind of illustrations. And what on earth has
+a sort of pictorial advertisement for "Somebody's Soap" got to do with
+Street Arabs? "_Washed Ashore; or, Happy At Last_," might be the title
+of this mer-baby picture, in which two naked children, not Street
+Arabs, or Arabs of any sort, are depicted as examining the inanimate
+body of a nondescript creature, half flesh and half fish, which has
+been thrown up by the waves "to be left till called for" by the next
+high-tide, when, perhaps, its sorrowing parents, Mr. and Mrs. MERMAN,
+or its widowed mother, Mrs. MERWOMAN, arrayed in sea-"weeds," may
+come to claim it and give it un-christian burial. But that the Baron,
+out of deference to the wishes of "Caspeg, London," does not like to
+quote one single line, he could give Mrs. STANLEY'S own account of how
+this picture of the Mer-baby came to be included in the Street Arab
+Collection. For such explanation the Baron refers the reader to the
+book itself. "Caspeg," farewell!
+
+I have, the Baron says, commenced the first pages of _The Last Days
+of Palmyra_. Good, so far; but several new books have come in, and
+_Palmyra_ cannot receive my undivided attention, says
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+P.S.--My faithful "Co." has been reading _Ferrers Court_, by JOHN
+STRANGE WINTER, author of _Bootle's Baby_ and a number of other
+novelettes of like kind. He says that he is getting just the least bit
+tired of _Mignon_, and the plain-spoken girls, and the rest of them.
+By the way, he observes that it seems to be the fashion, judging from
+the pages of _Ferrers Court_, in what he may call "Service Suckles,"
+to talk continually of a largely advertising lady's tailor. If this
+custom spreads, he presumes that the popular topic of conversation,
+the weather, will have to give place to the prior claims for
+consideration of Somebody's Blacking, or Somebody-else's Soap. This
+is to be regretted, as, in spite of the sameness of subject of the
+_Bootle's Baby_ series, JOHN STRANGE WINTER is always more amusing
+than nine-tenths of his (or should it be her?) contemporaries. B. De
+B.-W. & Co.
+
+P.S. No. 2.--The Baron wishes to add that on taking up the _Bride
+of Lammermoor_ in order to refresh his memory before seeing the
+new drama, he was struck by a few lines in the description of
+_Lucy Ashton_, which, during rehearsals, must have been peculiarly
+appropriate to her representative at the Lyceum, Miss ELLEN TERRY.
+Here they are:--"To these details, however trivial, _Lucy_ lent
+patient and not indifferent attention. They moved and interested
+_Henry_, and that was enough to secure her ear." "Great Scott!"
+indeed! Perfectly prophetic, and prophetically perfect. B. DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EFFECTIVE MILITARY MANOEUVRE.
+
+"The day of cocked hats and plumes is past and gone. This head-dress
+is utterly unsuited for active service."--_Military Correspondent's
+Letter to Times_.
+
+SUGGESTION, IN CONSEQUENCE, FOR NEW COSTUME FOR GENERAL
+OFFICERS--SO THAT THEY MIGHT BE MISTAKEN BY THE ENEMY FOR HARMLESS
+GENTLEMEN-FARMERS ENGAGED IN AGRICULTURAL PURSUITS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STALKING THE SAGACIOUS STAG.
+
+_SPORTING NOTES FROM OUR SPECIAL REPRESENTATIVE_.
+
+I had an invite from JEPSON, a Stock Exchange acquaintance, who has
+rented a Moor for the winter months, and who, happening to hear that
+I and my two foreign friends were in the neighbourhood, most kindly
+asked me to come and have a look at his box, and bring them with me.
+
+"I hear," he writes, "that the deer are very lively, and if you want
+to show your foreign friends some first-rate British Sport, you can't
+do better than bring them."
+
+Need I say that I jumped at this. Coming along on the top of the
+coach, that takes us to Spital-hoo, the place my friend has rented, I
+have been endeavouring to describe what I _imagine_ to be the nature
+of the sport of Deer-stalking to the Chief and the Bulgarian Count.
+The former, who has been listening attentively, says that, from my
+description, stalking a stag must be very much the same as hunting
+the double-humped bison in Mwangumbloola, and that the only weapon he
+shall take with him will be a pickaxe. I have pointed out to him that
+I don't think this will be any use, as in deer-stalking I fancy you
+follow the stag _at some distance_, but he seems resolute about the
+pickaxe, and so, I suppose, I must let him have his way. The Bulgarian
+Count was deeply interested in the matter, and says that evidently
+the proper weapon to use is a species of quick-firing, repeating
+Hotchkiss, and that he has one now on its way through Edinburgh, the
+invention of a compatriot, that will fire 2700 two-ounce bullets in
+a minute and a-half. I fancy, if he uses this, he will surprise the
+neighbourhood; but, of course, I have not said anything to interfere
+with his project.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We have arrived at Spital-hoo all safe and sound, and JEPSON has given
+us a most cordial welcome. But I must now have once more recourse to
+my current notes.
+
+I have now been something like five hours on the tramp, plodding my
+way through a deep glen in a pine forest, but have not yet come across
+any sign of a stag, I started with the Chief and the Count, but the
+former soon went off at a tangent somewhere on his own hook, and the
+latter, who had got his Hotchkiss with him and found it heavy work to
+drag it up and down the mountain paths, I have left behind to take a
+rest and recuperate himself. I pause in my walk and listen. The forest
+is intensely still. Not a sign of a stag anywhere.
+
+JEPSON is left at home, as he is expecting a couple of local Ministers
+to tea, but he has told me I'm "bound to come across whole herds of
+them," if I only tramp long enough. Well, I've been at it five hours,
+and I certainly ought to have spotted something by this time. By Jove,
+though, what's that moving in the path ahead of me? It is! _It is a
+stag!_ A magnificent fellow--though he appears to have only one horn.
+But, how odd! I believe he has seen me, and yet doesn't seem scared!
+Yes, he is actually approaching in the most leisurely fashion in the
+world. But that isn't the correct thing. In deer-stalking, I'm sure
+you ought to stalk the deer, not the deer stalk you. And this creature
+is absolutely coming down on me. Oh! I can't stand this. I shall have
+a shot at him. Bang! Have fired--and _missed_! And, by Jove, the stag
+doesn't seem to mind! He is coming nearer and nearer. He actually
+comes close to where I am kneeling, and with facetious friendliness
+removes my Tam o'Shanter! But, hulloah! who is this speaking? "Ha, and
+would ye blaze awa wi' your weepons upon poor old Epaminondas, mon!"
+It is an aged Highlander who is addressing me, and he has just turned
+out of a bye-path. He is fondling the creature's nose affectionately,
+and the stag seems to know him. I remark as much.
+
+"Ha! sure he does," he replies, "Why there's nae a body doon the glen
+but has got a friendly word for puir Old Epaminondas. You see he's
+blind o' one 'ee, and he's lost one o' his antlers, and he's a wee bit
+lame, and all the folk here about treat him kindly, when ye thought to
+put that bit o' lead into him just noo, sure he was just oomin' to ye
+for a bit o' oatmeal cake."
+
+I express my regret for having so nearly shot the "Favourite of the
+Glen" through inadvertence! I explain that I came out deerstalking,
+and did not expect, of course, to come across a perfectly tame and
+domestic stag.
+
+"A weel, there's nae mischief done," continues my interlocutor;
+"but it's nae good a stalking Epaminondas, for he's just a sagacious
+beastie altogether."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here we are at the Lodge. But, hulloah! what's this uproar on the
+lawn? A herd of deer dashing wildly over everything, flowerbeds
+and all, and, yes, absolutely five of them bursting into the house,
+through one of the drawing-room windows, while JEPSON and the two
+kirk Ministers emerge hurriedly, terrified, from the other. Crash!
+And what's _that_? Why, surely it _can't_ be--but yes, I believe it
+is--yes, it _positively is_ the Chief's pickaxe that has flown through
+the air, and just smashed through the upper panes, scattering the
+glass in a thousand fragments in all directions!
+
+And thus ends my Stalking for the Present, and (probably) the Future!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BLACK SYRENS.
+
+_This is how the lovely and accomplished Miss B----ns (of ----,
+Portland Place) managed to defray the expenses of their Sea-side Trip,
+this Autumn, without anybody being any the wiser!_
+
+"O-HI-O! O-HI-HO! THERE NEVER WAS A FINER GIRL THAN DINAH, DOWN BY THE
+OHIO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BRITISH LION AND THE GERMAN FOX; OR, A MISTAKE SOMEWHERE.
+
+THE SEQUEL OF A FABLE.
+
+(_SEE "THE GERMAN FOX AND THE BRITISH LION," PUNCH, NOVEMBER 17,
+1888._)
+
+  "When Fox with Lion hunts, one would be sorry
+  To say who gains--until they've shared the quarry!"
+        Such was the Moral
+  Of the first chapter of our modern Fable.
+  Is the co-partnership still strong and stable,
+        Or are there signs of quarrel
+  More than mere querulous quidnuncs invent
+  To break companionship and mar content?
+
+  Reynard has settled down into that latitude,
+    Pilgrim, perhaps, but certainly a Trader.
+  Does he not show a certain change of attitude,
+    Suggestive rather less of the Crusader,
+  Eager to earn the black-skinned bondsman's gratitude,
+  Than of the Bagman with his sample-box?
+        Ah, Master Fox!
+  Somehow the scallop seems to slip aside,
+  And that brave banner, which, with honest pride
+  You waved, like some commercial Quixote--verily
+  'Tis not to-day so valorously flaunted,
+        And scarce so cheerily.
+  You boast the pure knight-errantry so vaunted,
+        Some two years since,
+  Eh? You unfeigned Crusading zeal evince?
+        Whence, then, that rival banner
+  Which you coquet with in so cautious manner?
+  Hoisting it? Humph! Say, rather, just inspecting it.
+  But whether with intention of rejecting it,
+  Or temporising with the sly temptation
+        And making Proclamation
+  Of views a trifle modified, and ardour
+  A little cooled by thoughts of purse and larder.
+        Why, that's the question.
+  Reynard will probably resent suggestion
+  Of playing renegade, in the cause of Trade,
+  To that same Holy, Noble, New Crusade.
+  "Only," he pleads, "don't fume, and fuss, and worry,
+  The New Crusade is not a thing _to hurry_;
+  I never meant hot zealotry or haste--
+  Things hardly to the solid Teuton taste!"
+
+  And Leo? Well, he always had his doubts,
+  Yet to indulge in fierce precipitate flouts
+        Is not his fashion.
+  The Anti-Slavery zeal, with him a passion,
+  He knows less warmly shared by other traders;
+        But _soi-disant_ Crusaders
+  Caught paltering with the Infidels, like traitors,
+  And hot enthusiast Emancipators
+    Who the grim Slavery-demon gently tackle,
+    Wink at the scourge, and dally with the shackle,
+  Such, though they vaunt their zeal and orthodoxy,
+  Seem--for philanthropists--a trifle foxy!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Réclame (Gratis).--Where is the Lessee of the Haymarket? He ought
+to have been in India. He was wanted there. The _Daily News_, last
+week, told us in its Morning News Columns that "at a place called
+Beerbhoom"--clearly the Indian spelling of Beerbohm--"there was
+a desirable piece of land lying waste"--the very spot for a
+theatre--"because it was reputed to be haunted by a malignant
+goddess,"--that wouldn't matter as long as the "gods" were well
+provided for. Then it continues, "They" (who?) "did all they could to
+propitiate her, setting apart a tree--." Yes; but it wasn't the right
+tree: of course it ought to have been a BEERBHOOM TREE. His first
+drama might have shown how a Buddhist priest couldn't keep a secret.
+Thrilling!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMAN'S HAPPIEST HOUR.
+
+(_BY A SOUR OLD CYNIC._)
+
+  A Yankee Journal raises wordy strife
+  About "the happiest hour of Woman's life."
+  I'll answer in less compass than a sonnet:--
+  "When she outshines her best friend's smartest bonnet!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BRITISH LION AND THE GERMAN FOX; OR, A MISTAKE
+SOMEWHERE!
+
+(_Vide Cartoon, Nov. 17, 1888._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PLEASURES OF GETTING UP EARLY TO GO "CUBBING."
+
+1. The Meet was to be at Cropper's Gorse, 5:30. At 4:30 Thompson
+called for me. He said he knew the way perfectly.
+
+2. After we had gone a couple of miles, a steady rain came on. I
+didn't think much of the beauties of early morning.
+
+3. "Well, my man," said Thompson, "seen the hounds? This is Cropper's
+Gorse, I suppose?" "Noa, Sur; this be Cropper's Plantation. The Gorse
+be four miles over yonder!"
+
+4. "Extraordinary thing I should have been mistaken," said Thompson.
+"Never mind. Let's canter on, and we'll see some fun yet."
+
+5. "Hi! my boy, is this Cropper's Gorse?" asked Thompson. "Noa, Sur.
+This be Cropper's Common. The Gorse be five miles over yonder!"
+
+6. Then Thompson had the decency to say, "Let's go back and have
+breakfast."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATS IN COUNCIL.
+
+A mass meeting of Rats was held (unknown to the Park-keepers) under
+the Reformer's Oak in Hyde Park, at midnight of last Sunday. The
+object of the gathering was to protest against the proposal made by a
+Correspondent of _The Times_, that the "sewer-rats who had established
+themselves in the sylvan retreat" known as Hyde Park Dell, should be
+exterminated by means of "twenty ferrets and a few capable dogs."
+
+Mr. RODENT (Senior) was called upon to preside. He took the hillock
+amid waving of tails and much enthusiasm, and remarked that he trusted
+that that vast assembly, one of the most magnificent demonstrations
+that even Hyde Park had ever known, would show by its orderly
+behaviour, that Rats knew how to conduct business. (_Cheers._) They
+lived in strange times. A barbarous suggestion had been made to evict
+them--to turn them out of house and home, by means of what he might
+call Emergency Ferrets. (_Groans, and cries of "Boycott them!"_)
+He feared that boycotting a ferret would not do much good. (_A
+squeak--"Why not try rattening?"--and laughter._) Arbitration seemed
+to him the most politic course under the circumstances. (_Cheers._)
+They were accused of eating young moor-chicks. Well, was a Rat to
+starve? ("_No, no!_") Did not a Rat owe a duty to those dependent upon
+it? (_Cheers, and cries of "Yes!"_) He appealed to the opinion of
+the civilised world to put a stop--At this point in the Chair-rat's
+address, an alarm of "Dogs!" was raised, and the meeting at once
+dispersed in some confusion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JOURNALIST-AT-ARMS.
+
+  Who would not be a Journalist-at-Arms?
+  Life for that paladin hath poignant charms.
+  Whether in pretty quarrel he shall run
+  Just half an inch of rapier--in pure fun--
+  In his opponent's biceps, or shall flick
+  His shoulders with a slender walking-stick.
+  The "stern joy" of the man indeed must rise
+  To raptures and heroic ecstacies.
+  Oh, glorious climax of a vulgar squabble,
+  To redden your foe's nose, or make him hobble
+  For half a week or so, as though, perchance,
+  He'd strained an ancle in a leap or dance!
+  Feeble sword-play or futile fisticuffs
+  Might be disdained by warriors--or roughs;
+  But to the squabbling scribe the farce has charms.
+  Who would not be a Journalist-at-Arms?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WANTED!"
+
+A thoroughly well appointed and handsomely furnished COUNTRY MANSION
+(Elizabethan or Jacobæan period preferred) wanted immediately. It must
+contain not less than 50 bedrooms, appropriate reception-rooms, and
+a hall capable of being utilised for _fêtes_ and gala entertainments
+on a large scale, and must stand in the midst of extensive timbered
+grounds, surrounded by orangeries, hot-houses, and beautifully kept
+pleasure grounds replete with the choicest pieces of statuary and
+ornamental fountains arranged for electrical illumination, the perfect
+installation of which on the premises, on the newest principles, is
+regarded as a _sine quâ non_ by the Advertiser. The shooting over four
+or five hundred acres, and the meeting of not less than three packs
+of hounds in the immediate neighbourhood, with salmon and trout
+fishing within easy distance of the mansion, are also considered
+indispensable. Particulars as to the surrounding country gentry are
+requested. Write also stating whether any recognised race-meeting is
+held in the immediate vicinity. The distance of the property from
+town must not be more than half an hour's railway journey, and the
+inclusive rent must not exceed _five and twenty shillings a week_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE POPULAR GAME OF ARTHUR GOLFOUR. AS UNDERSTOOD BY
+THE MASS OF THE PUBLIC.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DEMON ALPS
+
+(_Our Artist's Dream, after reading the numerous Accidents to
+Mountain-Climbers._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO OZONE.
+
+(_BY A POOR PATERFAMILIAS._)
+
+    "London is a terrible consumer of ozone."--_Standard_.
+
+    A'R--"_The Dutchman's Little Dog._"
+
+  O where and O where, is our treasured Ozone?
+    O where, and O where can it be?
+  From London to leeward 'tis utterly gone,
+    To windward but little floats free.
+
+  Since SCHÖNBEIN of Basle discovered the stuff,
+    We've lived half a cen-tu-ree.
+  If of it we only could swallow enough,
+    How healthy, how happy were we!
+
+  Condensed form of oxygen, essence of air
+    That's fresh, or electricitee,
+  Ozone is the stuff shaken health to repair.
+    'Tis for it we all fly to the sea!
+
+  Solidified Ozone they talk about now,
+    To be bought in small bricks like pressed tea.
+  The air that is cheering when breathed on one's brow
+    In cubic foot-blocks would bring glee.
+
+  How pleasant to buy one's Ozone, like one's coal,
+   And store it up an-nu-al-lee!
+  And not fly for it to some dull cockney hol
+    Just because it is dug by the Sea!
+
+  Ah yes, let us have it, this needful Ozone,
+    In portable parcels! Ah me!
+  No longer need Paterfamilias groan
+    At the cost of that month by the Sea!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARIAN MOTTO FOR THE NEW UNIONISM.--(_Dedicated to the
+Artisan left out in the cold_.)--"In the ambush of my name, strike
+home!"--_Measure for Measure_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY UMBRELLA.
+
+  'Twere hard indeed to try to get
+    A theme without some poem on it--
+  A vilanelle, a triolet,
+    An ode, an epic, or a sonnet.
+  CASTARA'S charms were sung of old,
+    Both SWIFT and SIDNEY, wrote to STELLA,
+  But mine it is to first unfold
+  The praise of my beloved Umbrella.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  You are not difficult to please,
+    Although no doubt a trifle "knobby;"
+  Whilst I'm reclining at mine ease,
+    I leave you standing in the lobby.
+  I ever treat you thus, and yet
+    I haven't got a friend who's firmer;
+  In point of fact, you even let
+    Me shut you up without a murmur.
+
+  Now some seek solace sweet in smoke,
+    And make a pipe their AMARYLLIS;
+  So think not that I do but joke
+    In calling you my darling PHYLLIS.
+  And though the gossips never spare
+    For ill-report to seek a handle,
+  The (indiarubber) ring you wear
+    Prevents the very thought of scandal.
+
+  "Fair weather, friend," we've often heard
+    Used as a term to throw discredit,
+  Though clearly it were quite absurd
+    If speaking of yourself one said it.
+  When skies are blue (a thing that's rare)
+    I in the coolest way forsake you,
+  But when the Forecast tells me "Fair,"
+    Or "Settled Sunshine," then I take you.
+
+  I like to think of one sweet day
+    When cats and dogs it kept on raining,
+  (Why "cats and dogs," it's right to say,
+    Who will oblige me by explaining?)
+  When someone, who had golden hair,
+    And I were walking out together,
+  And underneath your sheltering care,
+    Were happy spite of wind and weather.
+
+  One day I asked a friend to dine,
+    The friend I most completely trusted.
+  We sat and chatted o'er the wine,
+    He liked the port--my fine old crusted.
+  At length we said "Good-night." He went
+    But not alone. For to my sorrow
+  My mind with jealousy was rent,
+    To find you missing on the morrow.
+
+  You had eloped! Yet all the same
+    I felt quite sure you were his victim,
+  When back a sorry wreck you came,
+    I very nearly went and kicked him!
+  Did Love take wings, and fly away?
+    Grew my affection less? No, never!
+  To tell the truth, I'm bound to say
+    I fondly loved you more than ever!
+
+  With him--the man who was my friend--
+    It's pretty clear you got on badly;
+  Your ribs, somehow, seem prone to bend,
+    Your silken dress seems wearing sadly.
+  It's very hard, I know, to part,
+    And sentimental feelings smother,
+  But even though it break my heart,
+    I'm going, next week, to get another.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPITAPH ON A PLATE OF VENISON (_a suggestion, at the service of those
+who collect menu cards_).--"Though lost to sight, to memory deer!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HISTORY AS SHE IS WROTE!
+
+    Last week the _St. James's Gazette_ published an article
+    proving that the Bastille, so far from being a gloomy prison,
+    was the most delightful of hotels. This historical record has,
+    however, caused no surprise in 85, Fleet Street, because the
+    following extract from a very old diary has for years been
+    awaiting publication. The time has now arrived for it to see
+    the light.
+
+GAY MOMENTS AT THE ANCIENT BAILEY.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Newgate, September 29, 17--_.--Got up with the assistance of my
+valet, and held my customary _levée_. The Governor of the place asked
+my permission to enter my luxuriously furnished apartments, to show me
+an amusing set of irons that had been discovered in one of the cells
+used during the last two hundred years for the storage of fire-wood.
+The droll things were called the "Little Ease," and seemingly, were
+intended to create merriment. One of the officers was complacent
+enough to assume them, and caused great diversion by his eccentric
+gestures. My _levée_ was not quite so successful, as is generally the
+case, as that tedious old gossip, GUIDO FAUX, obtained admission. As
+usual he had a grievance. It appears that a report has got abroad that
+he was executed in the days of our late lamented Monarch, JAMES THE
+FIRST of Great Britain, and SIXTH of Scotland. Says GUIDO, "If this be
+believed by the multitude there will be a demand for my expulsion, and
+what shall I do if I be turned out?" Condoled with him, and escaped
+his importunities by joining with Master JOHN SHEPPARD, and Squire
+TURPIN in a game of "Lorne Ten Hys," a recreation recently introduced
+by my good neighbour Monsieur CLAUDE DU VAL. Failed in making a goal,
+and put out thereat. However, regained my usual flow of spirits on
+receiving a polite request from the Governor to join him and his
+good Dame in a visit to the Tower of London, to call upon Lady JANE
+GREY--once Queen--and now a guest in that admirable institution. Was
+graciously received by Her Ladyship, who is now of advanced age. Her
+Ladyship was vastly amused at the news that had reached her that some
+chroniclers do insist that she has lost her head. "I have in good
+sooth lost my teeth," laughed the venerable gentlewoman "but my head
+is as firmly set upon my shoulders as ever. I do verily believe that
+it must be some mad piece of waggery of that Prince of good fellows,
+Sir WALTER RALEIGH. The aged Knight is always up to some of his
+nonsense!" After playing a game of quoits with Lord BALMARINO and the
+Tower Headsman (whose office is a well-paid sinecure), I returned
+to Newgate, greatly pleased with my morning's promenade. In the
+afternoon, entertained the Governor at dinner, who declared that he
+could never get so good a meal in his own quarters. "Strap me, no!"
+I exclaimed: "and, were it not that our food was excellent, who
+would stay at Newgate?" For I confess that, although there are
+pleasure-gardens, and every sort of amusement and comfort, Newgate, at
+times, is decidedly damp. Then I raised a glass of punch to my lips,
+and wished him the same luck that I myself enjoyed. "And that I had!"
+quoth he. "Would I were prisoner instead of Governor. But it would
+not be meet. I am not a man of sufficient quality!" And now I must
+bring this entry to a conclusion, for there is to be a theatrical
+performance in the dining-hall. Little DAVID GARRICK is to play
+the principal male character, while Mistress NELLIE GWYNE, Mistress
+SIDDONS, and Mistress PEG WOFFINGTON, are also in the cast. The title
+of the piece is _Hamlet_, and I am told it is written by a young man
+new to Town. The name of the author is either SHAKSPEARE or SMITH. I
+am not sure which, but think SMITH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+P.S.--Open my Diary once again. _Hamlet_ a poor piece. It is now
+said that it was written by BACON or BUCHANAN. Of the former I know
+nothing, and posterity must discover the identity of the latter.
+For the rest, if again I am pressed to go to the Play--strap me!
+but, comfortable as I am, I will pack up my traps, and be off from
+Newgate--for ever!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.
+
+(_BEFORE_ MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.)
+
+_A SHAREHOLDER IN A GAS COMPANY INTRODUCED._
+
+_The Commissioner_ (_sharply_). Well, Sir, what is it?
+
+_Shareholder_. I have come to complain about the Gas Companies--
+
+_The Com._ I am not surprised. They are generally causing some one or
+other trouble.
+
+_Shareh._ No, I beg your pardon, Sir, but you misunderstand me. I am
+interested in the prosperity of Gas Companies--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_The Com._ Then I pity you, for they are certain, sooner or later, to
+be superseded by the Electric Light.
+
+_Shareh._ Will you allow me to continue? I am annoyed that some
+one has been complaining in the _Times_ that "A Chief of a Rental
+Department" (invariably a person of the highest respectability) has a
+right to the title of "an arbitrary cove!"
+
+_The Com._ No doubt someone (who showed his wisdom in appealing to so
+powerful a tribunal) gave his reasons?
+
+_Shareh._ Well, yes; he certainly had been served with a demand to pay
+£1 4s. 10d. within three days, to "prevent the necessity" of the gas
+supply to his premises being discontinued at a time when he and his
+family were out of Town, and his house was closed for the recess.
+
+_The Com._ _Primâ facie_, that seems a strong order! And I suppose the
+complainant wrote to the Gas Company, and got no redress?
+
+_Shareh._ Well, yes. But then, you see, this demand for payment within
+three days may have been a final notice.
+
+_The Com._ (_drily_). Seems to have been very final indeed! Was there
+anything on the face of the notice to distinguish it from an ordinary
+unstamped circular?
+
+_Shareh._ No, I believe not. But, then, possibly, the account had been
+submitted to him before.
+
+_The Com._ How do you know? Speaking from my own experience, a
+demand-note is generally left at the house when the master is away,
+and the Collector does not take the slightest trouble to _collect_
+the money. He leaves it to chance whether the money is _sent_ or not.
+Surely _you_ must know that in your character of a householder?
+
+_Shareh._ Well, yes; I fancy that the collector does sometimes act in
+a very perfunctory manner.
+
+_The Com._ And that servants frequently are unable to distinguish
+between the open circular of a Gas Company asking for the settlement
+of an account, and the open circular of a touting coal merchant asking
+for custom? And when this happens, both find a home in the dust-hole.
+Is not that so?
+
+_Shareh._ Well, yes--very likely--but the law is--
+
+_The Com._ (_sternly_). The Law and its name should not be lightly
+taken in vain. I have seen on a Gas Company's circular the terrors of
+a statute invoked to secure prompt payment of a few shillings! After
+all, the Gas Companies (albeit monopolists) are merely traders, and
+the Public are the customers. If a butcher, a baker, or a candle-stick
+maker invariably attempted to secure immediate payment by reference
+on the invoice to the usefulness of the County Court, it is more than
+possible that that butcher, that baker, or that candle-stick maker,
+would speedily have to retire from business _viâ_ the Bankruptcy
+column of _The London Gazette_. Thus Gas Companies, who adopt a like
+unpleasant tone, are regarded as the natural enemies of the Public
+generally. You have a grievance--as a shareholder of one of these
+Associations--but this is not the place to obtain redress. If you
+want to improve your position, keep your eye upon your _employés_, and
+teach them the meaning of that well-worn phrase, _Suaviter in modo,
+fortiter in re!_ You may go!
+
+    [_The Witness then retired, with difficulty repressing a
+    painful exhibition of the most acute emotion._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+99, Sept. 27, 1890, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12262 ***