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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+May 28, 1919., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, May 28, 1919.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: May 1, 2004 [EBook #12232]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+May 28, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO".
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+TO-DAY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+It was the pig, says an eminent Danish economist, that lost Germany
+the War. His omission to specify which pig seems almost certain to
+provoke further recriminations among the German High Command.
+
+       ***
+
+After all, the War _may_ have wakened a new spirit in the nation. Up
+to the time of writing no one has attempted to corner mint-sauce.
+
+       ***
+
+A movement, we hear, is on foot to give a public welcome to the
+cheeses on their return to our midst. It is thought that a march-past
+could easily be arranged.
+
+       ***
+
+Hackney will supply electricity to consumers at a special rate during
+the Peace celebrations. The present price of one-and-sixpence per
+kilowatt-and-soda practically inhibits anything like deep-seated
+festivity.
+
+       ***
+
+A Miners' Association in the North has decided not to establish a
+weekly newspaper. Pending other arrangements they will do a little
+light mining, but it must not be taken as a precedent.
+
+       ***
+
+At a meeting of Hassocks allotment-holders a speaker stated that he
+had seen rabbits jump a fence five feet high. Experts declare that
+this is at least three feet over proof.
+
+       ***
+
+As the outcome of suggestions by the Economy Committee at Eton Dr.
+ALINGTON has made certain restrictions in regard to various articles
+of dress, notably socks and mufflers. Henceforward only such socks as
+do not require muffling will be worn.
+
+       ***
+
+The cow that walked into the lending library at Walton Heath has
+since explained that it merely wanted to look up "Manchuria" in the
+encyclopaedia.
+
+       ***
+
+It is said that the question of neutrality has caused most of the
+delay in the formation of the League of Nations. We certainly realise
+the difficulty in deciding how Norway and Switzerland could come to
+grips, in the event of a War between these two countries, without
+infringing the laws of neutrality.
+
+       ***
+
+"No harm to the moon will result from the eclipse of the sun on May
+28th," states a writer in an evening paper. This is good news for
+those who have mining shares there.
+
+       ***
+
+There is a falling off in the tanning of kids in India, says _The
+Shoe and Leather Trades Record_. Smith minor talks of migrating to the
+Orient.
+
+       ***
+
+Government ale, says a trade paper, will shortly be on sale in some
+parts of Ireland. This certainly ought to be a lesson to them.
+
+       ***
+
+Two Parisians who had previously arranged to fight a duel have refused
+to meet. It is supposed that they have quarrelled.
+
+       ***
+
+As we go to press we are informed on good authority that the cat that
+developed rabies last week has now been successfully killed eight
+times, and it is expected that its final execution will have taken
+place by the time this appears in print.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that the Tredegar Fire Brigade strike is settled.
+Patrons are asked to bear with the Brigade, who have promised to work
+off arrears of fires in strict rotation.
+
+       ***
+
+A Surrey Church magazine appeals for funds to renovate the church
+exits. For ourselves, if we were a parson, we shouldn't worry about
+getting people out of church so long as we got them in.
+
+       ***
+
+A Scottish Chamber of Commerce has passed a resolution in favour of
+smaller One Pound Treasury Notes. If at the same time they could be
+made a bit cheaper the movement would be a popular one.
+
+       ***
+
+A taxi-driver who knocked down a pedestrian in Edgware Road and
+then drove off has been summoned. His defence is that he mistook the
+unfortunate man for an intending fare.
+
+       ***
+
+The Northumberland Miners' Council has passed a resolution calling
+on the Government to evacuate our troops from Russia, drop the
+Conscription Bill, remove the blockade and release conscientious
+objectors. Their silence on the subject of Dalmatia is being much
+commented on.
+
+       ***
+
+A report reaches us that Jazz is about to be made a notifiable
+disease.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPRING IDYLL.
+
+If wound stripes were given to soldiers on becoming casualties to
+Cupid's archery barrage, Ronnie Morgan's sleeve would be stiff with
+gilt embroidery. The spring offensive claimed him as an early victim.
+When be became an extensive purchaser of drab segments of fossilized
+soap, bottles of sticky brilliantine with a chemical odour, and
+postcards worked with polychromatic silk, the billet began to make
+inquiries.
+
+"It's that little mam'zelle at the shop in the Rue de la République,"
+reported Jim Brown. "He spends all his pay and as much as he can
+borrow of mine to get excuses for speaking to her."
+
+There was a period of regular visits and intense literary activity on
+the part of Ronnie, followed by the sudden disappearance of Mam'zelle
+and an endeavour by the disconsolate swain to liquidate his debts in
+kind.
+
+"I owe you seven francs, Jim," said he. "If you give me another
+three francs and I give you two bottles of brilliantine and a cake of
+vanilla-flavoured soap we'll be straight."
+
+"Not me!" said Jim firmly. "I've no wish to be a scented fly-paper.
+Have you frightened her away?"
+
+"She's been _swept_ away on a flood of my eloquence," said Ronnie
+sadly. "But in the wrong direction; and after I'd bought enough
+pomatum from her to grease the keel of a battleship, and enough soap
+to wash it all off again. Good soap it is too, me lad; lathers well if
+you soak it in hot water overnight."
+
+"How did you come to lose her?" asked Jim, steering the conversation
+out of commercial channels.
+
+"The loss is hers," said Ronnie; "I wore holes in my tunic leaning
+over the counter talking to her, and I made about as much progress as
+a Peace Conference. I got soap instead of sympathy and scent instead
+of sentiment. However, she must have got used to me, because one day
+she asked if I would translate an English letter she'd received into
+French.
+
+"'Now's your chance to make good,' I thought, language being my
+strong suit; but I felt sick when I found it was a love-letter from
+a presumptuous blighter at Calais, who signed himself 'Your devoted
+Horace.' Still, to make another opportunity of talking to her, I
+offered to write it out in French. She sold me a block of letter-paper
+for the purpose, and I went home and wrote a lifelike translation.
+
+"She gave me a dazzling smile and warm welcome when I took it in, but
+on the balance I didn't feel that I'd done myself much good. And next
+day I'm dashed if she didn't give me another letter to translate, this
+time signed 'Your loving Herbert.' Herbert, I discovered, was a sapper
+who'd been transferred to Boulogne and, judging by his hand, was
+better with a shovel than a pen. As an amateur in style I couldn't
+translate his drivel word for word. Like _Cyrano_, the artist in
+me rose supreme, and I manicured and curled his letter, painted and
+embroidered it, and nearly finished by signing 'Ronnie' instead of
+'Herbert.'
+
+"She was quite surprised when she read the translation.
+
+"_'C'est gentil, n'est-ce-pas_?' said she, kissing it and stuffing it
+away in her belt. 'I did not think,' she went on in French, 'that the
+dear stupid 'Erbert had so much eloquence.' I saw my error. I had made
+a probable of a horse that hadn't previously got an earthly. So, to
+adjust things, I refrigerated the next letter--which happened to be
+from 'Orace--to the temperature of codfish on an ice block. And the
+consequence was that Georgette sulked and would scarcely speak to me
+for three whole days.
+
+"The situation, coldly reviewed, appeared to be like this. When 'Orace
+or 'Erbert pleased her I got a share of the sunshine, but when their
+love-making cooled her displeasure was visited on poor Ronnie. Any
+advances on my own part were countered with sales of soap, customers
+apparently being rarer than lovers. So I had to bide my time.
+
+"But one day letters from 'Orace and 'Erbert arrived simultaneously,
+and were duly handed to the fourth party for necessary action. It
+occurred to me that when the time came for me to enter the race on
+my own behalf I need have little fear of 'Erbert as a rival, so I
+determined to cut 'Orace out of the running.
+
+"I translated his letter first. I censored the tender parts, spun out
+the padding and served it up like cold-hash. Then I set to work on
+'Erbert. I got the tremolo stop out and the soft pedal on and made a
+symphony of it. I made it a stream of trickling melody--blue skies,
+yellow sunshine and scent of roses, with Georgette perched like a
+sugar goddess on a silver cloud and 'Erbert trying to clamber up to
+her on a silk ladder. To read it would have made a Frenchman proud of
+his own language. Then, for dramatic effect, I took the letters, put
+them on the counter and walked out without a word. 'That,' thought I,
+'will do 'Orace's business--and then for 'Erbert!'
+
+"Next day, when I went to see the result, to my surprise I found
+that her place behind the counter was taken by that little red-haired
+Celestine.
+
+"'Where's Georgette?' said I.
+
+"'Ah, M'sieur, she has gone,' said Celestine. 'Figure to yourself,
+this 'Orace, who used to write with ardour and spirit, sent her
+yesterday a poor pitiful note. It made one's heart bleed to read
+it, such halting appeal, such inarticulate sentiment. _"Le pauvre
+garçon!"_ cried Georgette, "his passion is so strong he cannot find
+words for it. He is stricken dumb with excess of feeling. I must be at
+his side to comfort him." And she has flown like the wind to Calais,
+that she may be affianced to him. But if M'sieur desires to buy the
+soap I know the kind you prefer.'
+
+"So you see me," concluded Ronnie plaintively, "bankrupt in love and
+money. Three francs, Jim, and I'll chuck in a packet of post-cards."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF SIMLA.
+
+I.--THE BUREAUCRAT.
+
+  Along a narrow mountain track
+    Stalking supreme, alone,
+  Head upwards, hands behind his back,
+    He swings his sixteen stone.
+
+  Quit of the tinsel and the glare
+    That lit his forbears' lives,
+  His tweed-clad shoulders amply bear
+    The burden that was CLIVE'S.
+
+  A man of few and simple needs
+    He smokes a briar--and yet
+  His rugged signature precedes
+    The half an alphabet.
+
+  Across these green Elysian slopes
+    The Secretariat gleams,
+  The playground of his youthful hopes,
+    The workshop of his schemes.
+
+  He sees the misty depths below,
+    Where plain and foothills, meet,
+  And smiles a wistful smile to know
+    The world is at his feet;
+
+  To know that England calls him back;
+    To know that glory's path
+  Is leading to a _cul de sac_
+    In Cheltenham or Bath;
+
+  To know that all he helped to found,
+    The India of his prayers,
+  Has now become the tilting ground
+    Of MILL-bred doctrinaires.
+
+  But his the inalienable years
+    Of faith that stirred the blood,
+  Of zeal that won through toil and tears,
+    And after him--the flood.
+
+  J.M.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    OUR FEMININE ATHLETES.
+
+    "Wanted, Young Lady, vaults bar.--Apply personally, Mrs.
+    -----, Oddfellows' Arms."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT RENUNCIATION.
+
+PRESIDENT WILSON. "NO! I DON'T THINK IT QUITE SUITS MY AUSTERE TYPE OF
+BEAUTY."
+
+[It is reported that the United States of America have declined to
+accept a mandate for Constantinople.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS
+ITS WAY TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN.
+
+_Char_. "NAH, THEN! I WON'T 'AVE THEM NASTY THINGS IN 'ERE. I CAN'T
+ABIDE 'EM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
+
+PEACE AND OTHER COMPLICATIONS.
+
+_Park Lane_.
+
+DEAREST DAPHNE,--Already everyone's got peace-strain and what state
+we shall all be in by the time it's actually signed I haven't the
+dimmest. People have their own ideas of how they mean to celebrate it,
+and when they find that other people have the same ideas and mean to
+do the same things at the same time there are alarums and excursions,
+and things are said, and quite several people who were dear friends
+during the War don't speak now owing to the peace!
+
+_Par exemple_, marches and processions being so much in the air,
+I'd planned a lovely Procession of Knitters; two enormous gilt
+knitting-needles to be carried by the leaders and a banner with "We
+Knitted our Way to Victory!" and myself on a triumphal car dressed in
+white silk-knitting. And then, just as everything was being arranged
+at our "Knitters' Peace Procession" committee meetings, I found that
+Beryl Clarges had _stolen my idea_ and was arranging a "Crochet Peace
+Procession," with an immense gilt crochet-hook to be carried in front,
+and a banner with some nonsense about crochet on it, and herself on a
+triumphal car dressed in crochet!
+
+I said exactly what I thought before I left off speaking to her.
+
+Then, again, everyone wants to give a dance on peace night. I'd
+settled to give a big affair with some perfectly new departures, and
+all the nicest people I wanted have said, "Sorry, dearest, but I'm
+giving one myself that night." I've no patience with the silliness and
+selfishness of everybody.
+
+Talking of dances, one's getting a bit _dégoûtée_ of Jazz bands and
+steps. When _ces autres_ get hold of anything it always begins to
+leave off being amusing. There's really a new step, however, the Peace
+Leap, that hasn't yet been quite _usé_ and spoilt by the outlying
+tribes. The origin of it was a little funny. Chippy Havilland was
+at one of Kickshaw's Jazz dinners one night, where people fly out of
+their seats to one-step and two-step between the courses and during
+the courses and all the time. Well, while Chippy was eating his fish
+the band struck up that catchy Jazz-stagger, "She's corns on her
+toes," and Chippy, his mouth full of fish, jumped up and began to
+dance. _Of course_ several fish-bones flew down his throat, and while
+he was choking he did such fearful and wonderful things that the whole
+room, not dreaming the poor dear was at his _dernier soupir_, broke
+out clapping and shouting and then imitated him, and by the time
+Chippy felt better he found himself famous and everybody doing the
+Peace Leap, which has completely cut out the Jazz-stagger, the Wolf's
+Prowl and everything else.
+
+Oh, my dearest, who _do_ you think are among the crowd of married
+people who're going to celebrate peace by dissolving partnership? The
+Algy Mallowdenes! Our prize couple! The _flitchiest_ of Dunmow Flitch
+pairs! The _turtlest_ of turtle--doves! Whenever people spoke of
+marriage as played out other people always weighed in with, "Well, but
+look at the Algy Mallowdenes."
+
+They married on war-bread and Government cheese and kisses
+(unrationed). Seriously, though, _m'amie_, I believe they'd
+scarcely anything beyond his two thousand pounds a year as Permanent
+Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary at the No-Use-Coming-Here
+Office. Certainly an "official residence" and a staff of servants were
+allowed 'em, but when poor Lallie asked to have a ball-room built, and
+Algy said he simply _must_ have a billiard-room and smoke-room added,
+one of those fearful red-flag creatures got up in the House just
+as the money was going to be voted and made such an uproar that the
+matter was dropped.
+
+And then, having heaps of spare time at the No-Use-Coming-Here Office,
+Algy began to write novels and found himself at once. You've read some
+of them, of course? Life with a big L, my dear. Every kind of world
+while you wait, the upper, the under, and the half. Lallie was
+very glad of the money that came rolling in, but I believe she said
+wistfully, "How does my gentle quiet Algy know so much about
+this, that and the other?" And her gentle quiet Algy made answer:
+"Intuition, dear; imagination; the novelist's temperament."
+
+By-and-by, however, she began to hear of his being seen at the Umpty
+Club and Gaston's, chatting with Pearl Preston (one of those people,
+you know, Daphne, who're immensely talked about but never mentioned).
+And then a "certain liveliness" set in at the official residence of
+the Permanent Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary.
+
+"You silly little goosey!" said Algy; "don't you see that it's not as
+a man who admires her but as a novelist who's studying her that I
+talk to Pearl Preston? She's my next heroine. A heroine like that is a
+_sine quâ non_ in a novel of the Modernist school."
+
+But Lallie _couldn't_ see the dif between a man and a novelist, and
+Algy _couldn't_ write his best seller without studying its heroine,
+and so--and so--at last our poor prize couple are in that long list
+that an overworked judge complained of the other day. And if you ask
+for the moral I suppose it's "Don't try to study character where there
+isn't any."
+
+This is emphatically a season for _arms_, my Daphne, which seems quite
+a good little idea for peace-time! Faces and figures don't count; it's
+the arm, the whole arm and nothing but the arm! There are all sorts
+of stunts for attracting attention to round white arms, and if one has
+the other kind one had better go and do a rest-cure. Your Blanche is
+beyond criticism in that respect, as you know, and the other night at
+the opera I'd a _succès fou_ with a big black-enamel beetle, held in
+place by an invisible platinum chain, crawling on my upper arm.
+
+Lady Manoeuvrer is simply _ravie de joie_ at the rage for arms, for
+her Daffodil, who's been a great worry to her (she's the only clever
+one, you know, all the others being pretty), has the best arms of the
+whole bunch. She's taken Madame Fallalerie's course, "The Fascination
+of the Arms," and is made to flourish hers about from morn to
+night, poor child, till she sometimes does a small weep from sheer
+exhaustion. The other day at Kempford Races, in a no-sleeved coatee
+with a black sticking-plaster racehorse in full gallop on her upper
+arm, she attracted plenty of attention and had two offers, I hear.
+Arms and the man, again!
+
+_À propos_, Lady Manoeuvrer told me yesterday she'd sent a
+thank-offering to one of the hospitals. "But how sweet of you!" I
+said. "For the restoration of Peace, I suppose?" "No, dearest," she
+whispered; "for the restoration of the London Season!"
+
+Ever thine, BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tube Habitué (homeward bound)._ "TWO STRAPS,
+'AMMERSMITH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LETTS TAKE RIGA."
+
+    _Daily Mail._
+
+Yes, and let's keep it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Manager (introducing music-hall turn)._ "LADIES
+AND GENTLEMEN, KHAGOOLA WILL NOW PROCEED TO GIVE HIS ASTOUNDING
+CLAIRVOYANT, MEMORY AND SECOND SIGHT ACT, AND WILL ANSWER ANY QUESTION
+THAT ANY MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE MAY PUT TO HIM."
+
+_Voice from Gallery_. "TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO LET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MURMAN AMENITIES.
+
+This was to have been an essay from an igloo, describing the
+awful privations of the writer and the primitive savagery of his
+surroundings on the Murman coast. It was to have wrung the sympathetic
+heart of the public and at the same time to have enthralled the
+student of barbaric life with its wealth of exotic detail. While
+embodying all the best-known newspaper _clichés_ appropriated to these
+latitudes it was to have included others specially and laboriously
+prepared after a fascinating study of Arctic literature.
+
+But circumstances have blighted its early inspiration, and the article
+it was to have been will never be written, the telling word-pictures
+designed on board the transport never executed.
+
+Figure the disgust of five adventurers who, landing at the Murman
+base, sternly braced to encounter the last extremity of peril and of
+hardship, to sleep in the snow and dig one another out o' mornings,
+to give the weakest of their number the warmest icicle to suck, the
+longest candle to chew--found themselves billeted in a room which the
+landladies of home would delight to advertise! Its walls were hung
+with such pictures as give cheap lodgings half their horror; it was
+encumbered with countless frail chairs and "kiggly" tables, and upon
+every flat surface had settled a swarm of albums, framed photographs,
+china dogs, wax flowers, penholder-stands, and all the choicest
+by-products of civilization struggling towards culture. As we were not
+to be frozen by exposure or immediately attacked by Bolshies, we might
+reasonably have expected to be asphyxiated by the Russian stove; but
+even this consolation was denied us, since Madame, convinced that
+the English are mad in their love of fresh air, consented to leave it
+unlit.
+
+When first we arrived, five large soldiers with five large kits, the
+aspect of the room filled us with terror. The fiercest frost or foe we
+could have faced, but the bravest man may quail before wax-flowers and
+fragile tables top-heavy with ornaments and knick-knacks, and all felt
+that to encounter such things within the Arctic Circle was an unfair
+test of our fortitude. Why had not the War Office or some newspaper
+correspondent warned us?
+
+Madame, however, proved to have a sense of proportion or humour; or
+perhaps the collection was not her own. In any case she showed no
+reluctance to displace family photographs or china dogs, and rapidly
+had the room cleared for action; so that now, when we roll about the
+floor in friendly struggle, it is only someone's toilet tackle that
+crashes with its spidery table, instead of cherished artificial fauna
+and flora.
+
+Thanks to our serviceable and becoming Arctic kit and the steady
+approach of the Spring thaw, heralded by the preparation of spare
+bridges to replace the existing ones, we can defy the eccentricities
+of the climate. Even the language begins to reveal what might be
+termed hand-holds; though possibly, when the natives echo our words
+of greeting, painfully acquired from textbooks on Russian, they are
+simply imitating the sounds we make under the impression that they are
+learning a little English.
+
+More difficult problems arise, however, regarding questions of
+military etiquette. Not King's Regulations, nor Military Law, nor
+any handbook devotes even a sub-paragraph to light and leading upon
+certain points which we have here to consider every day. For example,
+if a subaltern glissading on ski down the village street, maintaining
+his precarious balance by the aid of a "stick" in each hand, meets
+a General, also on ski and also a novice, what should happen? What
+_does_ happen we know by demonstration: the subaltern brandishes both
+sticks round his head, slides forward five yards, smartly crosses the
+points of his ski and then, plunging forward, buries his head in the
+wayside drift, while the General Officer sits down and says what he
+thinks. But we do not know if these gestures of natural courtesy are
+such as our mentors would approve. No authority has set up for us any
+ideal in such matters. From official rules of deportment the British
+soldier knows how to salute when on foot or mounted on bicycle, horse,
+mule, camel, elephant, motor-lorry or yak, but no provision has been
+made for the case of an army scooting on ski. So here we are at large
+in the Arctic Circle, coping with new conditions by the light of
+nature, and paying such perilous "compliments" to senior officers as
+our innate courtesy and sense, of balance suggest and permit.
+
+Further, consider the question of dress. Even the gunners, who in the
+late war used to wear riding-breeches of their favourite colour, no
+matter what it was, the kind of footgear they most fancied, and any
+old variety of hat they thought becoming, are shocked by the fantastic
+kit that is countenanced in this latitude. It must be borne in mind
+that most of us are old campaigners and old nomads whose tailors have
+grown accustomed to build us appropriate gear for various climes.
+Fashions for fighting in France, in Egypt, in Mesopotamia, have gained
+a hold upon our affections, to say nothing of those designs for civil
+breadwinning or moss-dodging in Central Africa, Bond Street, Kirkcaldy
+or Dawson City. The consequence is that here, pretty well out of
+A.P.M. range, sartorial individualism flourishes unchecked. Thus
+the eye is startled to behold a fur headdress as big as a busby, an
+ordinary service tunic, gaberdine breeches, shooting stockings and
+Shackleton boots, going about as component parts of one officer's
+make-up; or snow-goggles worn with flannel trousers, or sharp-toothed
+Boreas defied by a bare head and a chamois-leather jerkin; or the
+choice flowers of Savile Row associated with Canadian moccasins.
+
+What idea will the North Russians retain of the outward appearance of
+the typical British officer? How will the little Lapps, befurred and
+smiling, who come sliding to market behind the trotting reindeer,
+report of us to the smaller Lapps at home? In any case I hope we shall
+found a legend of a well-meaning if peculiar and patchwork people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES IN EARLY TIMES.
+
+_British Matron (whose husband has just had his weekly coat of woad,
+to visitor)._
+
+"I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT MY HUSBAND CAN'T SEE YOU TILL HE'S DRY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Gas Stoker wanted for 11 million works, used to gas
+    engine and exhauster; 50_s_. per week of seven 12-hour
+    shifts."--_Advt. in Daily Paper_.
+
+In the circumstances the reference to "exhauster" seems superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW AIDS TO THE ANGRY.
+
+The readers of the Personal Column of _The Times_ were lately
+refreshed by the following entry:--
+
+    "Would the person in the green Tyrolese hat note that though
+    it may be a custom on his own course to pocket golf-balls on
+    the fairway, it is not done elsewhere."
+
+For long the Personal Column has been a vehicle for appeal and regret,
+for affection and grief, in addition to its other manifold uses; but
+as an instrument of admonishment it is fresh. The tragic thing is that
+up to the time of going to press the green Tyrolese hat has made no
+reply. Either it does not read _The Times_ or it has been rendered
+speechless. We were longing for some first-class recriminations.
+
+The new fashion is sure to spread. For example, any morning we are
+liable to find this:--
+
+    Would the lady (?) in the purple toque note that, though it
+    may be the thing in her home to disregard the feelings of
+    others, the abstraction of someone else's chair at a White
+    Sale at Blankridge's is not the thing.
+
+And again:--
+
+    The female with a red parasol, who thought it her duty to
+    struggle like a wild-cat for a place on a No. 11 bus, opposite
+    the Stores, on Friday afternoon last at a quarter to three,
+    may be interested in learning that the service is not run
+    solely for her.
+
+And a more intimate note still may be struck. Something like this may
+be looked for:--
+
+    Will Lydia Lopokova take pity on an unhappy and neglected
+    wife, whose husband has stated that he would resume dining at
+    home only on condition that the table was laid as it is laid
+    in _The Good-Humoured Ladies_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEFORE.
+
+  Before I was a little girl I was a little bird,
+  I could not laugh, I could not dance, I could not speak a word;
+  But all about the woods I went and up into the sky--
+  And isn't it a pity I've forgotten how to fly?
+
+  I often came to visit you. I used to sit and sing
+  Upon our purple lilac bush that smells so sweet in Spring;
+  But when you thanked me for my song of course you never knew
+  I soon should be a little girl and come to live with you.
+
+  R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    MORE DILLYDALLYING.
+
+    "Arbitration is to be adopted first in disputes
+    between members of the League, then meditation by the
+    Council."--_Liverpool Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TREACHEROUS SON.
+
+I certainly hoped when I took up my quarters in this quiet village
+that there would be no jarring note to disturb the idyllic peace of
+my surroundings. And yet I had not been long in this pleasant
+sitting-room, with its outlook on blossom-laden fruit-trees,
+creamy-spired chestnuts and wooded down, before I became aware that a
+pitiful and rather sordid little domestic drama was in progress within
+fifty yards from my open windows. I discovered a son in the act of
+encouraging his aged and apparently imbecile parent to gamble with
+a professional swindler! Not that I have actually seen them thus
+engaged. As a matter of fact I have merely heard a few short
+remarks--and those were all spoken by the son. But, as everyone knows,
+even a single sentence accidentally overheard by an observant stranger
+may give him a clearer insight into the unknown, and possibly unseen,
+speaker's character than could be gained from countless chapters of a
+modern analytical novel.
+
+So these four sentences were quite enough for _me_. Perhaps I should
+mention here that the three personages in this drama are birds--which
+makes it all the more painful.
+
+Like many of our British birds, the sole speaker occasionally drops
+into English, or I should never have understood what was going on.
+He may be a blackbird or thrush, but I doubt it, because I know all
+_their_ remarks, while his are new to me. If A.A.M. heard them he
+would probably tell me they were those of a "Blackman's Warbler," and
+I should have believed him--once. Hardly now, after he has so airily
+exposed his title as an authority; but even as it is I should not
+dream of questioning his statement that "the egg of course is
+rather more speckled," because I can well believe that the egg this
+bird--whatever he is--came from was very badly speckled indeed.
+
+It seems that, some time ago--I can't say when exactly, but it was
+before I came down here--this unnatural son introduced to the parental
+abode (which I think is either No. 5 or No. 6 in a row of young
+chestnuts abutting on the high road) a rook of more than dubious
+reputation, whom he persuaded his unsuspecting sire to put up for
+the night. And there the rook has been ever since. As I said, I have
+neither heard nor seen him, but I'm positive he's _there_. I am unable
+to give the precise date on which he first led the conversation to the
+good old English game of "rigging the thimble"--that also was before I
+came. All I can state with certainty is that he interested his host in
+it so effectually that now the infatuated old fool is playing it all
+day long.
+
+This is evident from his son's conversation; during the pause which
+invariably precedes it I should undoubtedly hear the father-bird (if
+he would only speak up--which he doesn't) quavering, "I'm not sure,
+my boy, I'm not _sure_, but I've a notion that, _this_ time, he's left
+the pea under the _middle_ thimble--eh?"
+
+On which the young scoundrel, knowing well that it is elsewhere,
+pipes out, "There it _is_, Fa-ther, there it _is_, Fa-ther!" with
+an unctuous humility shading into impatient contempt that is simply
+indescribable, being indeed too revolting for words.
+
+Then, as the father still wavers, his son makes some observations
+which I cannot quite follow, but take to be on the fairness of the
+game as played with a sportsbird, and the certainty that the luck must
+turn sooner or later. After which he exhorts him--this time in plain
+English--to "be a bird." Whereupon the doting old parent decides that
+he _will_ be a bird and back the middle thimble, and the next moment I
+hear the son exclaim, evidently referring to the rook, "No, '_e_'s got
+it; no, '_e_'s got it. Cheer up! Cheer up!" with a perfunctory
+concern that is but a poor disguise for indecent exultation. I am not
+suggesting, by the way, that birds are in the habit of dropping their
+"h's"--but _this_ one does. There are times when he is so elated by
+his parent's defeat that he cannot repress an outburst of inarticulate
+devilry. And so the game goes on, minute after minute, hour after
+hour, every day from dawn to dusk. The amount of grains or grubs or
+whatever the stakes may be (and it is not likely that any rook would
+play for love), that that old idiot must have lost even since I have
+been here, is beyond all calculation. He has never once been allowed
+to spot the right thimble, but he _will_ go on. As to the son's motive
+in permitting it, any bird of the world would tell you that, if you
+possess a senile parent who is bound to be rooked by somebody, it
+had better be by a person with whom you can come to a previous
+arrangement.
+
+Now I come to think of it, though, I have not heard the unnatural
+offspring once since I sat down to write this. Can it have dawned at
+last upon his parent that this is one of those little games where the
+odds are a trifle too heavy in favour of the Table? Or can the son
+have sickened of his own villainy and washed his claws of his shady
+confederate? I don't know why, but I am almost beginning to hope....
+No; through the open window comes the well-known cry, "There it _is_,
+Fa-ther! There it _is_, Fa-ther! Be a bird! Be a _bird_!... No, '_e_'s
+got it! No, '_e_'s got it! Cheer up! Cheer up!" They are at it again!
+
+F.A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SHADY TENANT.
+
+    [From inquiries made by a _Daily Chronicle_ representative it
+    appears that the present demand for housing accommodation is
+    such that people no longer draw the line at ghosts.]
+
+  The problem at last is a thing of the past;
+    Doubts and fears, Geraldine, are at rest;
+  We can put up the banns and make definite plans,
+    For the love-birds will soon have a nest.
+  I've inspected, my sweet, the sequestered retreat
+    In which we are destined to dwell,
+  And on thinking things out I have not the least doubt
+    It will suit us exceedingly well.
+
+  There are drawbacks, I grant, but one nowadays can't
+    Have perfection, as you are aware,
+  And I'm sure you won't grouse when I state that the house
+    Is both damp and in need of repair.
+  I might add there's a floor that shows traces of gore;
+    I discovered the latter to be
+  That of one Lady Jane, who was brutally slain
+    By her husband in Sixteen-Two-Three.
+
+  Years have passed since the time of that dastardly crime,
+    But the victim's intangible shade
+  Can be seen to this day, so the villagers say,
+    In diaphanous garments arrayed.
+  In the gloom of the room where she met with her doom
+    She's appearing once nightly, it seems,
+  And the listener quails as lugubrious wails
+    Are succeeded by agonised screams.
+
+  But the trivial flaws I have mentioned need cause
+    No concern; I am certain that you
+  Will approve of my choice, Geraldine, and rejoice
+    In the thought that our haven's in view.
+  In the likely event of your mother's descent
+    There's the warmest of welcomes in store,
+  And a rug I'll provide for her bedroom, to hide
+    That indelible stain on the floor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony)._
+"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW ARM.
+
+_(On perceiving William in mufti again and carrying one.)_
+
+  What is this implement of warfare, Bill?
+    What seed of fire within its entrails slumbers?
+  Does it unfold at all? Run through the drill,
+    Doing it first by numbers.
+
+  Not a grenade and not a parachute?
+    Some remnant rather of the ancient folly,
+  Some touch of times before the Big Dispute?
+    I have it now! A brolly.
+
+  Yes, and it opens outwards like a tent,
+    Guarding the sacred poll from skies injurious.
+  Up with it! Let us see your tops'ls bent.
+    How splendid! And how curious!
+
+  Do it again, Bill. I am better now;
+    Only at first, perhaps, I slightly trembled.
+  Press on the little clutch and show me how
+    The parts are reassembled.
+
+  To think men poked these things into the sky,
+    Fearing to face the storm's minutest particles,
+  Through four long hectic years, whilst you and I
+    Forgot there were such articles.
+
+  It brings the old times back to one again,
+    The grim-eyed crowd that faced the morning's dolours
+  Doing their very best to drip the rain
+    Down other people's collars;
+
+  The fond, fond pair beneath a single dome;
+    The fight to ride on Hammersmiths and Chelseas;
+  The rapture when you found on reaching home
+    Your gamp was someone else's.
+
+  O symbol of routine and office hours!
+    O emblem of the soft civilian status!
+  Shall I too deign to roof me from the showers
+    With such an apparatus?
+
+  Shall I consent to grasp within my hand
+    The sign of serfdom and to get the habit
+  Of marching like a mushroom down the Strand,
+    A mushroom on a rabbit?
+
+  Never. O hateful sight! And yet--and yet
+    I'm not so sure. This month has been a dry one;
+  June will most probably be beastly wet;
+    P'r'aps, after all, I'll buy one.
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    EAST IS EAST.
+
+    "The Girl Guides are doing well.... Another guide was
+    married this month to Corporal ----. We wish them all
+    happiness."--_Diocesan Magazine (India)._
+
+Corporal ---- appears to be a specialist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There are persistent rumours of a plot to bring back the old
+    régime and put either a Hohenzollern or a representative of
+    some other Royal house on the Thorne of Germany."--_Canadian
+    Paper_.
+
+EX-KAISER (_loq_.): "No, thanks; I've had some."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "OXFORD FOR HOLIDAYS.--Most beautiful city in England. Good
+    lodgings and boating. Two golf links and fishing."--_Advt. in
+    Provincial Paper_.
+
+We seem to remember, too, some mention of an educational establishment
+in connection with the place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+   OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES.
+
+   "There have been cases, we believe, in which the height of a
+   person has increased after the person had reached mature age, but
+   it has always been suspected that this was due to greater
+   uprightness. A man who stoops always looks shorter than when he
+   is standing quite upright. But no such explanation as this can be
+   given for an apparent increase of the human head. If a head
+   really requires a larger hat it must be because the head is
+   larger."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HONOUR SATISFIED.
+
+GERMAN DELEGATE. "SIGN? I'D SOONER DIE! _(Aside)_ AFTER WHICH
+PRELIMINARY REMARKS I WILL NOW SELECT A NIB."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 19th._--The coalminers lately received concessions in
+wages and hours that are going to cost the country twenty millions
+sterling in the present financial year. The first result of this boon
+(_teste_ Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES) is that they are turning out less coal
+per man than ever, and that the unhappy consumer must look forward to
+a further reduction in his already meagre ration. It is rather hard
+upon Mr. SMILLIE, who daily dilates in the Coal Commission upon the
+hardships of the miner's life, that his clients should let him down
+like this.
+
+For a thorough-going democrat commend me to Lieutenant-Commander
+KENWORTHY, the new Member for Central Hull, whose latest idea is that
+before British troops are sent to any new front the approval of the
+House of Commons should be obtained. I suspect that if, during his
+active-service days, some Member had proposed a similar restriction
+on the movements of the Fleet the comments of the gallant Commander
+himself would have been more pithy than Parliamentary.
+
+[Illustration: LADIES IN GOVERNMENT MOTOR-CARS.
+
+_General Seely._ "WELL, HARDLY EVER."]
+
+The number of motor-cars at the disposal of the Air Ministry now
+stands at the apparently irreducible minimum of forty-two. Quite a
+number of the officials use train or bus, like ordinary folk; some
+have even been seen to walk; and there has been such a slump in
+"joy-riding" that when asked if ladies were now carried in the
+official chariots General SEELY was able to assure the House that that
+never happens; though I think he added under his breath--"well, hardly
+ever."
+
+There was barely a quorum when Colonel LESLIE WILSON rose to introduce
+the estimates of the Shipping Controller. This was a pity, for he had
+a good story to tell of the mercantile marine, and told it very well.
+He was less successful on the subject of the "national shipyards,"
+which have cost four millions of money and in two years have not
+succeeded in turning out a single completed ship. With the wisdom that
+comes after the event Sir CHARLES HENRY fulminated ferociously against
+the "superman" who had imposed this "disastrous scheme" upon the
+country.
+
+This brought up the superman himself, Sir ERIC GEDDES, who in the most
+vigorous speech he has yet delivered in the House defended the scheme
+as being absolutely essential at the time it was initiated. It was
+a war-time expedient, which changing circumstances had rendered
+unnecessary; but if the War and the U-boat campaign had gone on it
+might have been the salvation of the country. After all you can't
+expect to have shipyards without making a few slips.
+
+_Tuesday, May 20th._--The advance of woman continues. Very soon she
+will have her foot upon the first rung of the judicial ladder, and be
+able to write J.P. after her name, for the LORD CHANCELLOR, pointing
+out that in this matter the Government were bound to honour the
+pledges of the PRIME MINISTER, gracefully swallowed Lord BEAUCHAMP'S
+Bill. He took occasion, however, to warn the prospective justicesses
+(if that is the right term) that, as the Commissions of the Peace were
+already fully manned, it might be some time before any large number
+of ladies could be added to the roll of those who, in the words of the
+Prayer-book, "indifferently administer justice."
+
+[Illustration: THE LONG PULL.
+
+MR. ROBERTS RESPONDS TO HIS COUNTRY'S CALL.]
+
+Quite unintentionally, of course, Mr. BOTTOMLEY did the Government a
+real service in the Commons. Every day since his return from Paris Mr.
+BONAR LAW has been pestered with inquiries as to when, if ever, the
+House was to be allowed to discuss the Peace terms, and has evaded
+a direct answer with more or less ingenuity. This afternoon Mr.
+BOTTOMLEY, after hearing that the LEADER OF THE HOUSE had "nothing to
+add" to his previous replies, asked if he was right in supposing that,
+when the Treaty came up for ratification, the House must take it or
+leave it, and would have no power to amend it in any respect. Mr. LAW
+joyfully jumped at the chance of ending the daily catechism once for
+all. "That," he said, "exactly represents the position, and I do not
+see in what other way any Treaty could ever be arranged."
+
+In anticipation of the debate on the Finance Bill Mr. SYDNEY ARNOLD
+sought an admission from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER that the
+income-tax on small incomes was hardly worth retaining, owing to the
+cost of collection. Not at all, said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. It costs six
+hundred thousand pounds and brings in eight million. Of course, he
+added, it costs more proportionately to collect small amounts than
+large. If the whole of the income-tax could be paid by one individual
+the cost of collection would be _nil_. One imagined the CHANCELLOR
+on the eve of the Budget wishing, _à la_ NERO, that the whole of the
+British people had but one purse, into which he could dip as deeply
+and as often as he pleased.
+
+The debate on the Finance Bill was largely devoted to the proposed
+"levy on capital," which a section of the "Wee Frees," who already
+display fissiparous tendencies, have borrowed from the Labourites.
+After their amendment was framed, however, Mr. ASQUITH spoke at
+Newcastle, and ostentatiously refused to say a word about the new
+nostrum. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, anxious to avoid displeasing either
+his old leader or his new supporters, contented himself with the
+suggestion that a Commission should be set up to consider the subject.
+
+The CHANCELLOR had little difficulty in disposing of the amendment.
+He might, indeed, have contented himself with quoting the War Bond
+advertisements, which daily inform us that the patriotic investor
+"will receive the whole of his money back with a substantial premium."
+
+The Preference proposals which Mr. ACLAND had described as bred "by
+Filial Piety out of the Board of Trade" received the unexpected aid of
+Sir ALFRED MOND, who disposed of his Cobdenite prejudices as easily as
+the conjurer swallows his gloves, and unblushingly asserted that the
+tiny Preference now proposed, far from being the advance-guard of
+Protection, was in reality a very strong movement towards Free Trade.
+Comforted by this authoritative declaration Coalition Liberals helped
+the Government to defeat the amendment by 317 to 72.
+
+_Wednesday, May 21st._--The Peers being as usual rather short of work
+at this period of the Session, the LORD CHANCELLOR introduced a Bill
+"to enable the Official Solicitor for the time being to exercise
+powers and duties conferred on the person holding the office of
+Official Solicitor."
+
+The rumours that have lately appeared in the papers, to the effect
+that the FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was contemplating revolutionary
+alterations at Hampton Court--in particular that he was going to
+transform the famous pond-garden into something quite different: a
+MOND-garden, in fact--are, it seems, grossly exaggerated. All that he
+has done is to appoint a Committee of experts to advise him what, if
+any, changes are desirable.
+
+The resumed debate on the Finance Bill was enlivened by some personal
+details. By way of showing that even without a levy on capital the
+rich man bears his share of the burdens of the State, Sir EDWARD
+CARSON remarked that, when he receives a retainer, he immediately
+allows for the super-tax and enters it in his fee-book at only
+half the amount. He had had one that very morning. "Say it was five
+pounds"--and the House laughed loudly at such an absurd supposition.
+
+Then we had Lord HUGH CECIL pointing his argument that the importance
+of the proposed Preference to the Dominions was political rather than
+economical by the remark that if he was going to be married--which he
+fervently hoped would not happen to him--he would expect his mythical
+bride to value his engagement-ring less for its pecuniary than its
+sentimental value.
+
+A capital speech by Mr. STANLEY BALDWIN, one of the few men in the
+House who talks finance as if he really understood it, wound up the
+debate, and procured the Finance Bill a second reading _nem. con._
+
+_Thursday, May 22nd._--The Ministry of Health Bill came up for third
+reading in the Lords. An eleventh-hour attempt by the Government
+to provide the new Minister with an additional Under-Secretary was
+heavily defeated, Lord DOWNHAM being appropriately enough one of the
+Tellers for the Opposition.
+
+The Commons heard some good news. Mr. KENDALL'S pathetic story of an
+angling-party which, after walking five miles along a dusty road to
+its favourite hostelry, found it adorned with the now too frequent
+notice, "Closed--No Beer," brought a most sympathetic reply from Mr.
+GEORGE ROBERTS, who boldly confessed, "I am a believer in good beer
+myself," and later on announced that the Government had decided to
+increase the output from twenty million to twenty-six million standard
+barrels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Geordie (after intently watching conductor of Jazz
+band for some time)._ "AH'VE HAD ENOUGH O' THIS. YON CHAP WI' STICK'S
+ONLY CODDIN'. HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer._ "WELL, I BE MAIN GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK FROM
+THE WAR. I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT'S IN A NAME?
+
+The original answer to the question at the head of these insignificant
+remarks was (correct me if I am wrong) nothing. "A rose," said
+_Juliet_, "by any other name would smell as sweet." But of course she
+was wrong. If a rose were handed to a visitor in the garden, with the
+words, "Do see how wonderful this onion is!" such a prejudice would be
+set up as fatally to impair its fragrance. There is, in fact, much
+in a name; and therefore the attempt of a correspondent of _The Daily
+Express_ to find a generic nomenclature for domestic servants should
+be given very serious attention; the purpose being to meet "the
+objection felt by so many women servants to being either called by
+Christian or surname."
+
+As a means of placating this very sensitive class the correspondent
+writes:--
+
+"One nearly always calls a cook by the name of her calling. I
+therefore suggest that a name be adopted beginning with the first
+letter of the class. For example:--
+
+  Lady's-maid        Louise.
+  Parlourmaid        Palmer.
+  Housemaid          Hannah.
+  General            Gertrude.
+  Scullerymaid       Sarah."
+
+Here we have materials for a sweeping innovation which might, if it
+spread, not only simplify life but reinforce the language. For why
+confine such terms to domestic servants? If all parlourmaids are to be
+called "Palmer," why not, for example, call all editors "Eddy" (very
+good Eddy, or very bad Eddy, according to taste)? And all London
+County Councillors, "Elsie"?
+
+But let us look a little narrowly at the specimens given. "Palmer"
+for "parlourmaid" is good; but "Louise" does not reproduce the sound
+values of "lady's-maid." Some such word as "Lais" would be better, or
+why not "Lady-bird," which combines the desired similarity with the
+new euphemism "home-bird," invented to help transform domestic service
+to a privilege and pleasure? "Hannah" for "housemaid" is also wrong,
+although for "handmaid" it would be good. On the analogy of "Palmer,"
+why not call all housemaids "How"? or even "House"?
+
+If American Colonels can be called HOUSE, why not English housemaids?
+For generals "Jenny" would be better than "Gertrude"; and for
+scullery-maids "Scully." "Scully" is quite a good name; there is a
+distinguished psychologist named SULLY, and there was an M.P. for
+Pontefract named GULLY. No scullery-maid need be offended.
+
+It is odd how we call some persons by their profession or calling, and
+others not. We say "Doctor," but we do not address our gum-architect
+as "Dentist." We say "Carpenter," but we do not address a plumber as
+"Plumber." (Incidentally, all plumbers might be called Warner). We
+say "Gardener" and "Coachman," but we do not address an advocate as
+"Barrister." If we had a definite rule everything would be simple, but
+as we have not it is necessary to find several more names. I am not at
+all satisfied with _The Daily Express's_ test. For example, what would
+a second parlour-maid be called? If three were kept they might be
+called Palm, Palmer and Palmist. A long vista of difficulties opens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUS IN URBE.
+
+    ["Encouraged by the summer weather yesterday, a titled lady
+    took her tea with some friends on the footway at Belsize
+    Park Gardens, Hampstead. Unsympathetic passers-by,
+    however, complained of the obstruction ... and, following
+    representation to the police by the public, the _al-fresco_
+    tea-party was broken up."--_Daily News_.]
+
+In spite of the innate conservatism of the police we are pleased
+to think that the seeds of a happy unconventionality, sown by this
+courageous lady of title, have already borne fruit.
+
+On Thursday night, about ten o'clock, the attention of passers-by was
+drawn to a four-post bed, which was being trundled along the Strand
+by eight stalwart footmen. On it reposed the Duke of Sleepyacres. It
+appears that his Grace, on return from active service, found that the
+confined air of an ordinary bed-room engendered insomnia. He therefore
+conceived the idea of sleeping in the open-air and caused his bed to
+be placed in the centre of the Strand, opposite the entrance to the
+Savoy Hotel. The presence of the sleeping nobleman might have been
+unnoticed, had not Mr. SMILLIE chanced to pass the spot on his way
+from dining after a session of the Coal Commission. His eye was
+immediately caught by the ducal crest on the panels of the bed.
+Suspicious that this was a dastardly attempt on the part of a
+member of the landed classes to obtain sleeping-rights in a public
+thoroughfare, Mr. SMILLIE lodged a complaint with the police, and the
+Duke was removed to Bow Street.
+
+Some mild interest has been displayed by the public in a camp which
+has been established by three subalterns in the roadway at the corner
+of Charing Cross and Northumberland Avenue. It is a small and quite
+inconspicuous affair, consisting merely of an army pattern bell-tent,
+a camp fire and a few deck chairs. Our representative recently visited
+the occupants to ascertain the reason for their presence. After
+hastily declining an offer of a glass of E.F.C. port, smuggled over
+from France, he inquired with polite interest whether his hosts
+contemplated a lengthy stay. They replied that they did. They were
+waiting for their demobilisation gratuities. The locality, they added,
+was a quiet one, where advancing old age could be met in comfortable
+meditation. Also the offices of Messrs. Cox, Box & Co., the Regimental
+Agents, were in convenient proximity, and the latest news of the
+gratuities could be obtained with a minimum of trouble. Up to the
+present the police have not interfered with them, apparently taking
+them for workmen employed in repairing the roadway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"KISSING TIME."
+
+For an infrequent worshipper at the shrine of Musical Comedy the
+atmosphere of a first night at a new, or renascent, theatre is perhaps
+rather too heady. There are so many potent vintages set on the board;
+so many connoisseurs who will offer to tell you beforehand of the
+merits of their favourite brands.
+
+I confess, to my shame, that when an actor with whose gifts I am
+unfamiliar is received on his entrance with a storm of applause, I
+am not prejudiced, as I ought to be, in his favour. On the contrary I
+follow his performance the more judicially, and if I cannot find that
+it corresponds to his apparent reputation I am apt (wrongly again) to
+conclude that the fault lies with him and not with myself.
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW HOME.
+
+MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH AND MR. LESLIE HENSON AT THE WINTER GARDEN
+THEATRE.]
+
+But in the case of _Kissing Time_, after a rather dull First Act,
+during which I kept telling myself that I was not suffering from
+senile decay, I had to admit that the gods were in a great measure
+justified of their elect. For one thing the authors, taking a bold
+and original line (from the French), had produced a coherent plot;
+and both dialogue and lyrics were above what I understand to be
+the average in this kind. One expects, of course, a little Cockney
+licence--"pyjamas" rhymed with "Palmer's," and so on--and a certain
+amount of popular banality, as in the song, "Some Day" (rapturously
+approved); but there were excellent verses on the text, "A woman has
+no mercy on a man," and, I doubt not, much other good stuff which
+I missed because Mr. IVAN CARYLL, who conducted (and was probably
+thinking more of his own pleasant music than somebody else's words),
+did not make enough allowance for my slowness in the up-take of
+patter.
+
+Mr. LESLIE HENSON was funny, and should be funnier still when the book
+has been cut down by about an hour and space allowed him for private
+developments. Miss PHYLLIS DARE was graceful and confident. One easily
+understood her popularity; but Miss YVONNE ARNAUD, who was a little
+slow for the general pace, must, I think, be more of an acquired
+taste.
+
+Mr. TOM WALLS (very svelte in his French uniform) did sound work, and
+so did Mr. GEORGE BARRETT, a humourist by gift of nature. Mr. GEORGE
+GROSSMITH, who with Mr. LAURILLARD has made out of the old Middlesex
+a most attractive and spacious "Winter Garden," brought with him the
+traditions of the Gaiety, and had a warm personal welcome. I could
+bear him to be funnier than he was; but as I'm sure that he's clever
+enough to be anything he likes I can only assume that he wasn't really
+trying.
+
+I join everybody in wishing him good cheer in this "garden" of his,
+where, if the auguries fulfil themselves, he is not likely, even in
+the dog-days, to have to endure "the winter of our discontent."
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAND OF MY DREAMS
+
+  I know a spot where balmy air and still
+    Enfolds the placid dweller hour by hour
+    As, all unhampered in his tranquil bower,
+  He stretches idle limbs at ease until
+  The blessed peace about him calms his will
+    And hidden thoughts, expanding into flower,
+    Amaze him with their beauty, and the sour
+  Sharp voice of Care, that sounds far off and shrill,
+    Moves him to gentle mirth that men can be
+  So strangely foolish as to heed her call,
+    Regardless of their true felicity....
+  Avoid the place, ye bores. Aroint ye all!
+  Afflict not one to this dear haven fled,
+  My private earthly paradise--my BED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Quarrymen (experienced) Wanted, wages 1s. 5-1/2d. per
+    hour; constant employment for good men. No bankers need
+    apply."--_Country Paper._
+
+Why this marked discrimination against bankers? We have known several
+who were most respectable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RENAISSANCE.
+
+The unexampled rapidity with which, owing to the opportunities of
+war-time, men in all walks of life have reached the top of the tree in
+early manhood is leading on to strange but inevitable results. Unable
+to rise any higher they are already contemplating the heroic course
+of justifying their eminence by starting afresh at the bottom of the
+ladder.
+
+The crucial and classical example is, of course, furnished by our Boy
+Chancellor. It is an open secret that, with that sagacious foresight
+which has always characterised him, Lord BIRKENHEAD recognises the
+impermanency of his exalted position and is resolved when and if he
+leaves the Woolsack to resume practice as a Junior. It is further
+rumoured that some of our judges intend to follow his august example.
+The atmosphere of the Bench is not always exhilarating, and the salary
+is fixed. But a self-effacing altruism doubtless also enters into
+their motives.
+
+The impending exodus from Whitehall is another factor in the
+situation. Scores of demobilised "Ministerial angels" will soon
+be released, and are meditating fresh outlets for their benevolent
+energies. Many of them are young and some beautiful. The romance of
+commerce and of the stage will prove a potent lure. Never has the
+demand for an elegant deportment and urbane manners in our great shops
+and stores been more clamant; never has the standard been higher.
+Our ex-officials may have to stoop, but it will be to conquer. We can
+confidently look forward to the day when no shop will be without its
+DEMOSTHENES, ALCIBIADES or its CICERO. Opportunities for employment
+on the stage are likely to be multiplied by the alleged intention
+of several actor-managers to enter Parliament, while others, nobly
+anxious to satisfy the claims of youth, have expressed their resolve
+only to appear henceforth in such subsidiary parts as dead bodies and
+outside shouts.
+
+In the domain of letters some startling developments are also
+threatened on similar lines. Mr. WELLS, always remarkable for his
+refusal to commit himself to any finality in the formulation of his
+opinions, has, it is said, decided to devote his talents in future
+exclusively to the composition of educational works in words of
+one syllable, and where possible of three letters. He is also
+contemplating a revised and simplified edition of his novels,
+beginning with _Mr. Brit Sees It Thro'_. Mr. SHAW'S fresh start will
+be the greatest surprise of all. He intends to go to Eton and
+Oxford, and, as a don, to combat the tide of Socialism at our older
+Universities. Mr. BELLOC, it is reported, has re-enlisted in the
+French Artillery, and Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has accepted a commission in
+the Dutch mercantile marine.
+
+The future of Mr. ASQUITH has given rise to a good deal of speculation
+in the Press, but we are in a position to state that he does not
+intend to re-enter politics or to resume his practice at the Bar, but
+has resolved to return to his first love--journalism. Sport is the
+only department in which the ornate and orotund style of which Mr.
+ASQUITH is a master is still in vogue, and the description of classic
+events in classical diction will furnish him with a congenial opening
+for the exercise of his great literary talent.
+
+The rumour that Mr. BALFOUR, on his retirement from the post of
+Foreign Secretary, will take up the arduous duties of caddie-master at
+St. Andrew's is not yet fully confirmed. Meanwhile he is known to be
+considering the alternative offer of the secretaryship to the Handel
+Society. In this context it is interesting to hear that, according to
+a Rotterdam agency, Sir EDWARD ELGAR has just completed a series of
+pieces for the mouth-organ, dedicated to Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, which
+will, it is hoped, be shortly heard in the luncheon interval at the
+Coal Commission.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS
+ABOUT HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPORTING CHANCE.
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--Jolly glad to hear you're coming home. I beat
+    you after all, though. I suppose I was looking particularly
+    pivotal when I saw the D.O., because he let me through at
+    once.
+
+    Will you go back to the Governor's office?
+
+    Yours ever, GARRY NORTON.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Haven't the faintest; but before settling down
+    I'm going to have a week or two, either sailing or fishing, so
+    as to try to shed the army feeling, and I think you'd better
+    come with me. I've saved no end of shekels, and I'm going to
+    give old Cox a run for his money (the bit that's mine, I mean,
+    that he's been keeping for me).
+
+    If you can find a likely craft, mop her up for me, old bean,
+    and we'll have a hairy time somewhere on the S.W. coast.
+
+    Yours in haste, ALEC RIDLEY.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--I wish you'd be less vague. What sort of a boat do
+    you want--schooner, yawl, cutter or spoonbill? A half-decker,
+    or the full five quires to the ream? Give me definite
+    instructions and I'll do my best to carry them out. I'm afraid
+    I can't get off, so you'll have to take someone else, or
+    incarnadine the seas by yourself.
+
+    Yours as ever, GARRY.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Sorry to hear you can't come. Any kind of a boat
+    that will go without bouncing too high will do, and if it
+    has a rudder, a couple of starboard tacks, bath and butler's
+    pantry so much the better. I mean to wash out the memory of
+    those nine months at Basra last year with the flies. Yours,
+    ALEC.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--What you want, my lad, is a houseboat, and I doubt
+    whether you'll get one during this shortage of residential
+    property.
+
+    I should try fishing if I were you. In fact I have taken a bit
+    of water for you in Chamshire. I haven't seen it, but am told
+    it's very all right and only twenty pounds till the 10th of
+    June.
+
+    Yours ever, GARRY NORTON.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--This is a top-hole place. To have got this water
+    for so little you 're absolutely the Senior Wangler.
+
+    You might send me some mayflies, old dear; about half a pint I
+    shall want, judging from the infernal number of bushes on the
+    river banks here. Mr. MILLS's bombs have put me right off my
+    cast and I can't do the old Shimmy shake either somehow. I can
+    hear the click of croquet balls in the Vicarage garden as I
+    write, so the hooping season has begun.
+
+    There's one other chap staying in the pub. Talks and dresses
+    like a War profiteer. Seems to be doing nothing but loafing
+    about at present.
+
+    Yours ever, ALEC.
+
+
+    _Postcard_.
+
+    Have ordered the mayflies and will send them soon as poss. G.
+    N.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for yours. Not so anxious about mayflies
+    now, but should be glad if you would send me a pound or two of
+    the best chocolates. Having good sport.
+
+    In haste for post,
+
+    Yours, ALEC.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--I enclose a couple of pounds of extra special
+    chocolates, but didn't know they were included in the Angler's
+    Pharmacopoeia.
+
+    Glad you are having good sport and justifying my choice of
+    water.
+
+    Yours as usual, GARRY.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for chocs. The Vicar called the other day,
+    and I have caught several cups of tea on the recoil at the
+    Vicarage since. Miss Stevenson, his ewe-lamb, is A1, and
+    we have had some splendid sport together. We caught eleven
+    beauties yesterday; one was over 19-1/2 inches.
+
+    Post just going out.
+
+    Yours in haste, ALEC.
+
+    P.S.--Another couple of pounds of chocs would be useful.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,---Awfully glad to hear the fishing is so good. I
+    shall expect a brace of good long trout for breakfast one of
+    these days.
+
+    Yours, GARRY.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Who said anything about fish? I sub-let the water
+    (at a profit) to the War-profiteer three days after arriving.
+
+    Miss Stevenson, with a brace of bouncing terriers, is outside
+    whistling for me, so I must put the lid on.
+
+    Yours, ALEC.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--What's the idea? You say you let the fishing a
+    fortnight ago; but last Wednesday you wrote about catching
+    eleven beauties, one over nineteen and a half inches long.
+    Some trout--what? But why the terriers? Yours in darkness,
+
+    GARRY NORTON.
+
+
+    _Postcard_.
+
+    _Rats_.
+
+    ALEC.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHEN GREEK JOINS GREEK."
+
+    "The Red Cross announces that the repatriation of Greeks
+    forcibly removed from their homes in Eastern Macedonia has
+    been virtually completed despite Bulgarian opposition. The
+    reports says the Greek Red Cross rendered invaluable aid
+    in looting imprisoned Greeks hidden remotely."--_Egyptian
+    Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NAVY AT CAMBRIDGE.
+
+  When first I joined the R.N.V.
+  And ventured out upon the sea,
+  The war-tried Subs. R.N. and Looties
+  Who guided me about my duties
+  Were wont to wink and chuckle if
+  I found the going rather stiff;
+  And when, upon the Nor'-East Rough,
+  My legs proved scarcely firm enough
+  To keep me yare and head-to-wind
+  The very nicest of them grinned.
+
+  Now times are changed, and here I am
+  Once more beside the brimming Cam,
+  Where lo, those selfsame Loots and Subs
+  Whirl madly by in punts and tubs,
+  Which they propel by strength of will
+  And muscle rather more than skill.
+  For (if one may be fairly frank)
+  They barge across from bank to bank,
+  With zig-zag motions, in and out,
+  As though torpedoes were about;
+  Whilst I with all an expert's ease
+  Glide by as gaily as you please,
+  Or calmly, 'mid the rout of punts,
+  Perform accomplished super-stunts.
+
+  But do not think I jibe or jeer
+  However strangely they career.
+  In soothing accents, sweet as spice,
+  I offer them my best advice,
+  Or deftly show them how to plant a
+  Propulsive pole in oozy Granta,
+  Observing, "If you only knew it
+  _This_ is the proper way to do it;"
+  Till soon each watching Looty's face
+  Grows full of wonder at my grace,
+  And daring Subs in frail Rob Roys
+  Attempt to imitate my poise.
+
+  O war-tried Loots and Subs. R.N.,
+  Thus by the Cam we meet again;
+  And, as in wilder sterner days,
+  We shared the ocean's dreary ways
+  In fellowship of single aim,
+  I never doubt we'll do the same
+  By sunny Cam in happier times;
+  And therefore, if through these my rhymes
+  Some gentle banter slyly flits,
+  Forgive me, Sirs--and call it quits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a club journal:--
+
+    "Members will look forward to the River Trip this year as a
+    change from a Trip to the River."
+
+This constant craving for variety is one of the most unhealthy
+symptoms of the times in which we live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of the debate on the National Shipyards:--
+
+    "'The Mercantile Marine was our weakest front. If the sinking
+    increased our unbiblical cord would be cut' (a graphic phrase
+    this)."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Graphic, perhaps, but hardly stenographic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Poacher (to gamekeeper who has been chasing him for
+twenty minutes)._ "NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF
+AGAIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+MR. E.F. BENSON, seizing occasion as it flies, has given us, in
+_Across the Stream_ (MURRAY), a story on the very topical subject of
+spiritualism and communication with the dead. As a practised novelist,
+with a touch so sure that it can hardly fail to adorn, he has made a
+tale that is interesting throughout and here and there aspires to real
+beauty of feeling; though not all the writer's skill can disguise a
+certain want of unity in the natural and supernatural divisions of
+his theme. The early part of the book, which tells of the boyhood
+of _Archie_ and the attempts of his dead brother _Martin_ to "get
+through" to him, are admirably done. As always in these studies of
+happy and guarded childhood, Mr. BENSON is at his best, sympathetic,
+tender, altogether winning. There was lung trouble in _Archie's_
+record--_Martin_ indeed had died of it (sometimes I wonder whether any
+of Mr. BENSON'S protagonists can ever be wholly robust), and there is
+a genuine thrill in the scene at the Swiss sanatorium, where the
+dead and living boys touch hands over the little _cache_ of childish
+treasure buried by the former beneath a pine-tree in the garden.
+Later, when _Archie_ had recovered from his disease and grown to
+suitor's estate, I could not but feel, despite the sardonically
+observed figure of _Helena_, the detestable girl who nearly ruins him,
+that the whole affair had become conventional, and by so much lost
+interest for its creator. Apart, however, from the bogie chapters of
+Possession (which I shall not further indicate) the most moving scenes
+in this latter part are those between _Archie_ and his father. I have
+seldom known a horrible situation handled with more delicate art; it
+is for this, rather than for its slightly unconvincing devilments,
+that I would give the book an honourable place in the ranks of
+Bensonian romance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I quite agree with Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, whose _Mr. Sterling Sticks it
+Out_ (HEADLEY) is a generous attempt to put into the form of a story
+the case of the conscientious objector of the finest type, that,
+when we are able to think about this matter calmly, we shall have
+considerable misgivings at least about details in our treatment of
+this difficult problem. I also agree that the officials of the Press
+Bureau don't come at all well out of the correspondence which he
+prints in his preface, and, further, that the Government ought to have
+had the courage to alter the law allowing absolute exemption rather
+than stretch it beyond the breaking point. But I emphatically dispute
+his assumption that the matter was a simple one. It was not the
+saintly, single-minded and sweet-natured C.O.'s of _Christopher
+Sterling's_ type that made the chief difficulty. There were few of
+this literal interpretation and heroic texture. The real difficulty
+was created by men of a very different character and in much greater
+numbers, sincere in varying degrees, but deliberately, passionately
+and unscrupulously obstructive, bent on baulking the national will and
+making anything like reasonable treatment of them impossible. It would
+require saints, not men, to deal without occasional lapses from strict
+equity with such infuriating folk. Mr. BEGBIE'S book is unfair in
+its emphasis, but it is not fanatical or subversive, and I can see no
+decent reason why it should have been banned. I certainly commend it
+to the majority-minded as a wholesome corrective.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+That the reviewer should finish his study of the assembled
+biographies of twenty-four fallen heroes of this War with a feeling of
+disappointment and some annoyance argues a fault in the biographer or
+in the reviewer. I invite the reader to be the judge between us,
+for _The New Elizabethans_ (LANE) must certainly be read, if only to
+understand clearly that there is no fault in the heroes, at any rate.
+Mr. E.B. OSBORN describes them as "these golden lads ... who
+first conquered their easier selves and secondly led the ancestral
+generations into a joyous captivity" (whatever that may mean), and
+maintains, against the father of one of them apparently, that he is
+apt in the title he has given to them and to their countless peers. I
+agree with the father and think they deserve a new name of their own;
+such men as the GRENFELL brothers, HUGH and JOHN CHARLTON and DONALD
+HANKEY did more than maintain a tradition. There is about DIXON SCOTT,
+"the Joyous Critic," something, I think, which will be recognised
+as marking a production and a surprise of our own generation--the
+"ink-slinger" who, when it came to the point, was found equally
+reckless and brave in slinging more dangerous matter. Again, I feel
+that there is needed a clearer motive than is apparent to warrant "a
+selection of the lives of young men who have fallen in the great war."
+Selections in this instance are more odious than comparisons; there
+should be one book for one hero. Thirdly, I disapprove the dedication
+to the Americans; and, lastly, I found in the author's prose a certain
+affectation that is unworthy of the subject-matter. An instance is the
+reference to HARRY BUTTERS' "joyous" quotation of the quatrain:--
+
+  Every day that passes
+    Filling out the year
+  Leaves the wicked Kaiser
+    Harder up for beer.
+
+I like the quatrain, of course; who, knowing the "Incorrigibles,"
+doesn't? But I did not like that reiterated word "joyous."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I should certainly have supposed that recent history had discounted
+popular interest in the monarchies of make-believe; in other words,
+that when real sovereigns have been behaving in so sensational a
+manner one might expect a slump in counterfeits. But it appears that
+Mr. H.B. MARRIOTT WATSON is by no means of this opinion. His latest
+story, _The Pester Finger_ (SKEFFINGTON), shows him as Ruritanian
+as ever. As usual we find that distressful country, here called
+_Varavia_, in the throes of dynastic upheaval, which centres, in
+a manner also not without precedent, in the figure of a young and
+beautiful Princess. This lady, the last of her race, had been adopted
+as ward--on, I thought, insufficient introduction--by the hero, _Sir
+Francis Vyse_. The situation was further complicated by the fact that
+in his youth he had been the officer of the guard who ought to have
+prevented the murder of _Sonia's_ august parents, and didn't. Quite
+early I gave up counting how many times _Sir Francis_ and his fair
+ward were set upon, submerged, imprisoned and generally knocked about.
+You never saw so convulsed a courtship; for I will no longer conceal
+the fact that, when he was not more strenuously engaged, he soon began
+to regard _Sonia_ with a softening eye. And as _Sonia_ herself
+was growing up to womanhood, or, in Mr. WATSON'S elegant phrase,
+"muliebrity claimed her definitely"--well, he is an enviable reader
+for whom the last page will hold any considerable surprise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ETIENNE," in an introductory note to _A Naval Lieutenant, 1914-1918_
+(METHUEN), gives an excellent reason for wishing to record his
+impressions of the "sea affair." He was in _H.M.S. Southampton_ during
+the earlier part of the War, and "on all the four principal occasions
+when considerable German forces were encountered in the North Sea, her
+guns were in action." Very naturally he desired to do honour to this
+gallant light cruiser, and I admire prodigiously the modest way in
+which he has done it. "ETIENNE" is not a stylist; a professor
+of syntax might conceivably be distressed by his confusion of
+prepositions; but apart from this detail all is plain sailing--and
+fighting. I have read no more thrilling account of the Battle of
+Jutland than is to be found here. The author does it so well because
+he tells his story with great simplicity and without what I believe
+he would call "windiness." Best of all, he has a nice sense of humour,
+and would even, I believe, have discovered the funny side of Scapa, if
+there had been one. "ETIENNE," whose short stories of naval life were
+amusing, makes a distinct advance in this new work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF INNOCENCE.
+
+GOLF IN SPRINGTIME.
+
+  Merry little baa-lambs sporting on the grass,
+  Playing ring-a-roses, dancing as you pass,
+                          Crying,
+  "Jones has topped his brassie shot! What a way to play!
+  Now then, all together, boys--Me-e-eh!"
+  Pretty little woollies, white as driven snow,
+  Following your mothers, skipping as you go,
+                          Crying,
+  "Jones is in the bunker! What a lot he has to say!
+  Give it all together, boys--Me-e-e-eh!"
+  Harbingers of Springtime! innocently fair,
+  Frisking on the greensward, leaping in the air,
+                          Crying,
+  "Jones is in the whins again! He's off his drive to-day;
+  Once more let him have it, boys--Me-e-e-e-eh!"
+  Silly little baa-lambs! If you only knew,
+  One day you'll be fatter and I'll have the laugh on you,
+                          Crying,
+  "Every time I foozled they bleated with delight.
+  Now they're lamb-and-mint-sauce. Serves the beggars right!"
+
+  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BORROWED THUNDER.
+
+"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HANGING ON BEHIND ME LIKE THAT?"
+
+"I'VE BROKEN MY HORN, OLD TOFF, AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD TOOT FOR
+TWO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, May 28, 1919., by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+May 28, 1919., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, May 28, 1919.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: May 1, 2004 [EBook #12232]
+[Date last updated: January 12, 2009]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 156.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>May 28, 1919.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page413" id="page413"></a>[pg
+413]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/413.png"><img width="100%" src="images/413.png" alt=
+'"AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO".' /></a>
+<h3>"AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO".</h3>
+&nbsp;
+<table width="80%" summary="caption">
+<tr>
+<td align="left">ONCE UPON A TIME.</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td>TO-DAY.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+<p>It was the pig, says an eminent Danish economist, that lost
+Germany the War. His omission to specify which pig seems almost
+certain to provoke further recriminations among the German High
+Command.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>After all, the War <i>may</i> have wakened a new spirit in the
+nation. Up to the time of writing no one has attempted to corner
+mint-sauce.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A movement, we hear, is on foot to give a public welcome to the
+cheeses on their return to our midst. It is thought that a
+march-past could easily be arranged.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Hackney will supply electricity to consumers at a special rate
+during the Peace celebrations. The present price of
+one-and-sixpence per kilowatt-and-soda practically inhibits
+anything like deep-seated festivity.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Miners' Association in the North has decided not to establish
+a weekly newspaper. Pending other arrangements they will do a
+little light mining, but it must not be taken as a precedent.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a meeting of Hassocks allotment-holders a speaker stated that
+he had seen rabbits jump a fence five feet high. Experts declare
+that this is at least three feet over proof.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>As the outcome of suggestions by the Economy Committee at Eton
+Dr. ALINGTON has made certain restrictions in regard to various
+articles of dress, notably socks and mufflers. Henceforward only
+such socks as do not require muffling will be worn.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The cow that walked into the lending library at Walton Heath has
+since explained that it merely wanted to look up "Manchuria" in the
+encyclopaedia.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is said that the question of neutrality has caused most of
+the delay in the formation of the League of Nations. We certainly
+realise the difficulty in deciding how Norway and Switzerland could
+come to grips, in the event of a War between these two countries,
+without infringing the laws of neutrality.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"No harm to the moon will result from the eclipse of the sun on
+May 28th," states a writer in an evening paper. This is good news
+for those who have mining shares there.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There is a falling off in the tanning of kids in India, says
+<i>The Shoe and Leather Trades Record</i>. Smith minor talks of
+migrating to the Orient.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Government ale, says a trade paper, will shortly be on sale in
+some parts of Ireland. This certainly ought to be a lesson to
+them.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Two Parisians who had previously arranged to fight a duel have
+refused to meet. It is supposed that they have quarrelled.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>As we go to press we are informed on good authority that the cat
+that developed rabies last week has now been successfully killed
+eight times, and it is expected that its final execution will have
+taken place by the time this appears in print.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We understand that the Tredegar Fire Brigade strike is settled.
+Patrons are asked to bear with the Brigade, who have promised to
+work off arrears of fires in strict rotation.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Surrey Church magazine appeals for funds to renovate the
+church exits. For ourselves, if we were a parson, we shouldn't
+worry about getting people out of church so long as we got them
+in.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Scottish Chamber of Commerce has passed a resolution in favour
+of smaller One Pound Treasury Notes. If at the same time they could
+be made a bit cheaper the movement would be a popular one.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A taxi-driver who knocked down a pedestrian in Edgware Road and
+then drove off has been summoned. His defence is that he mistook
+the unfortunate man for an intending fare.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Northumberland Miners' Council has passed a resolution
+calling on the Government to evacuate our troops from Russia, drop
+the Conscription Bill, remove the blockade and release
+conscientious objectors. Their silence on the subject of Dalmatia
+is being much commented on.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A report reaches us that Jazz is about to be made a notifiable
+disease.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page414" id="page414"></a>[pg
+414]</span>
+<h2>A SPRING IDYLL.</h2>
+<p>If wound stripes were given to soldiers on becoming casualties
+to Cupid's archery barrage, Ronnie Morgan's sleeve would be stiff
+with gilt embroidery. The spring offensive claimed him as an early
+victim. When be became an extensive purchaser of drab segments of
+fossilized soap, bottles of sticky brilliantine with a chemical
+odour, and postcards worked with polychromatic silk, the billet
+began to make inquiries.</p>
+<p>"It's that little mam'zelle at the shop in the Rue de la
+R&eacute;publique," reported Jim Brown. "He spends all his pay and
+as much as he can borrow of mine to get excuses for speaking to
+her."</p>
+<p>There was a period of regular visits and intense literary
+activity on the part of Ronnie, followed by the sudden
+disappearance of Mam'zelle and an endeavour by the disconsolate
+swain to liquidate his debts in kind.</p>
+<p>"I owe you seven francs, Jim," said he. "If you give me another
+three francs and I give you two bottles of brilliantine and a cake
+of vanilla-flavoured soap we'll be straight."</p>
+<p>"Not me!" said Jim firmly. "I've no wish to be a scented
+fly-paper. Have you frightened her away?"</p>
+<p>"She's been <i>swept</i> away on a flood of my eloquence," said
+Ronnie sadly. "But in the wrong direction; and after I'd bought
+enough pomatum from her to grease the keel of a battleship, and
+enough soap to wash it all off again. Good soap it is too, me lad;
+lathers well if you soak it in hot water overnight."</p>
+<p>"How did you come to lose her?" asked Jim, steering the
+conversation out of commercial channels.</p>
+<p>"The loss is hers," said Ronnie; "I wore holes in my tunic
+leaning over the counter talking to her, and I made about as much
+progress as a Peace Conference. I got soap instead of sympathy and
+scent instead of sentiment. However, she must have got used to me,
+because one day she asked if I would translate an English letter
+she'd received into French.</p>
+<p>"'Now's your chance to make good,' I thought, language being my
+strong suit; but I felt sick when I found it was a love-letter from
+a presumptuous blighter at Calais, who signed himself 'Your devoted
+Horace.' Still, to make another opportunity of talking to her, I
+offered to write it out in French. She sold me a block of
+letter-paper for the purpose, and I went home and wrote a lifelike
+translation.</p>
+<p>"She gave me a dazzling smile and warm welcome when I took it
+in, but on the balance I didn't feel that I'd done myself much
+good. And next day I'm dashed if she didn't give me another letter
+to translate, this time signed 'Your loving Herbert.' Herbert, I
+discovered, was a sapper who'd been transferred to Boulogne and,
+judging by his hand, was better with a shovel than a pen. As an
+amateur in style I couldn't translate his drivel word for word.
+Like <i>Cyrano</i>, the artist in me rose supreme, and I manicured
+and curled his letter, painted and embroidered it, and nearly
+finished by signing 'Ronnie' instead of 'Herbert.'</p>
+<p>"She was quite surprised when she read the translation.</p>
+<p>"<i>'C'est gentil, n'est-ce-pas</i>?' said she, kissing it and
+stuffing it away in her belt. 'I did not think,' she went on in
+French, 'that the dear stupid 'Erbert had so much eloquence.' I saw
+my error. I had made a probable of a horse that hadn't previously
+got an earthly. So, to adjust things, I refrigerated the next
+letter&mdash;which happened to be from 'Orace&mdash;to the
+temperature of codfish on an ice block. And the consequence was
+that Georgette sulked and would scarcely speak to me for three
+whole days.</p>
+<p>"The situation, coldly reviewed, appeared to be like this. When
+'Orace or 'Erbert pleased her I got a share of the sunshine, but
+when their love-making cooled her displeasure was visited on poor
+Ronnie. Any advances on my own part were countered with sales of
+soap, customers apparently being rarer than lovers. So I had to
+bide my time.</p>
+<p>"But one day letters from 'Orace and 'Erbert arrived
+simultaneously, and were duly handed to the fourth party for
+necessary action. It occurred to me that when the time came for me
+to enter the race on my own behalf I need have little fear of
+'Erbert as a rival, so I determined to cut 'Orace out of the
+running.</p>
+<p>"I translated his letter first. I censored the tender parts,
+spun out the padding and served it up like cold-hash. Then I set to
+work on 'Erbert. I got the tremolo stop out and the soft pedal on
+and made a symphony of it. I made it a stream of trickling
+melody&mdash;blue skies, yellow sunshine and scent of roses, with
+Georgette perched like a sugar goddess on a silver cloud and
+'Erbert trying to clamber up to her on a silk ladder. To read it
+would have made a Frenchman proud of his own language. Then, for
+dramatic effect, I took the letters, put them on the counter and
+walked out without a word. 'That,' thought I, 'will do 'Orace's
+business&mdash;and then for 'Erbert!'</p>
+<p>"Next day, when I went to see the result, to my surprise I found
+that her place behind the counter was taken by that little
+red-haired Celestine.</p>
+<p>"'Where's Georgette?' said I.</p>
+<p>"'Ah, M'sieur, she has gone,' said Celestine. 'Figure to
+yourself, this 'Orace, who used to write with ardour and spirit,
+sent her yesterday a poor pitiful note. It made one's heart bleed
+to read it, such halting appeal, such inarticulate sentiment.
+<i>"Le pauvre gar&ccedil;on!"</i> cried Georgette, "his passion is
+so strong he cannot find words for it. He is stricken dumb with
+excess of feeling. I must be at his side to comfort him." And she
+has flown like the wind to Calais, that she may be affianced to
+him. But if M'sieur desires to buy the soap I know the kind you
+prefer.'</p>
+<p>"So you see me," concluded Ronnie plaintively, "bankrupt in love
+and money. Three francs, Jim, and I'll chuck in a packet of
+post-cards."</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>SONGS OF SIMLA.</h2>
+<p class="center">I.&mdash;THE BUREAUCRAT.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Along a narrow mountain track</p>
+<p class="i2">Stalking supreme, alone,</p>
+<p>Head upwards, hands behind his back,</p>
+<p class="i2">He swings his sixteen stone.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Quit of the tinsel and the glare</p>
+<p class="i2">That lit his forbears' lives,</p>
+<p>His tweed-clad shoulders amply bear</p>
+<p class="i2">The burden that was CLIVE'S.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A man of few and simple needs</p>
+<p class="i2">He smokes a briar&mdash;and yet</p>
+<p>His rugged signature precedes</p>
+<p class="i2">The half an alphabet.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Across these green Elysian slopes</p>
+<p class="i2">The Secretariat gleams,</p>
+<p>The playground of his youthful hopes,</p>
+<p class="i2">The workshop of his schemes.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>He sees the misty depths below,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where plain and foothills, meet,</p>
+<p>And smiles a wistful smile to know</p>
+<p class="i2">The world is at his feet;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>To know that England calls him back;</p>
+<p class="i2">To know that glory's path</p>
+<p>Is leading to a <i>cul de sac</i></p>
+<p class="i2">In Cheltenham or Bath;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>To know that all he helped to found,</p>
+<p class="i2">The India of his prayers,</p>
+<p>Has now become the tilting ground</p>
+<p class="i2">Of MILL-bred doctrinaires.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But his the inalienable years</p>
+<p class="i2">Of faith that stirred the blood,</p>
+<p>Of zeal that won through toil and tears,</p>
+<p class="i2">And after him&mdash;the flood.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="center">J.M.S.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<h4>Our Feminine Athletes.</h4>
+<p>"Wanted, Young Lady, vaults bar.&mdash;Apply personally, Mrs.
+&mdash;&mdash;, Oddfellows' Arms."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page415" id="page415"></a>[pg
+415]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/415.png"><img width="100%" src="images/415.png" alt=
+"THE GREAT RENUNCIATION." /></a>
+<h3>THE GREAT RENUNCIATION.</h3>
+PRESIDENT WILSON. "NO! I DON'T THINK IT QUITE SUITS MY AUSTERE TYPE
+OF BEAUTY."<br />
+[It is reported that the United States of America have declined to
+accept a mandate for Constantinople.]</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page416" id="page416"></a>[pg
+416]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/416.png"><img width="100%" src="images/416.png" alt=
+"PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS ITS WAY TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN." />
+</a>
+<p>PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS ITS WAY
+TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN.</p>
+<p><i>Char</i>. "NAH, THEN! I WON'T 'AVE THEM NASTY THINGS IN 'ERE.
+I CAN'T ABIDE 'EM."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS.</h2>
+<p class="center">PEACE AND OTHER COMPLICATIONS.</p>
+<p class="author"><i>Park Lane</i>.</p>
+<p>DEAREST DAPHNE,&mdash;Already everyone's got peace-strain and
+what state we shall all be in by the time it's actually signed I
+haven't the dimmest. People have their own ideas of how they mean
+to celebrate it, and when they find that other people have the same
+ideas and mean to do the same things at the same time there are
+alarums and excursions, and things are said, and quite several
+people who were dear friends during the War don't speak now owing
+to the peace!</p>
+<p><i>Par exemple</i>, marches and processions being so much in the
+air, I'd planned a lovely Procession of Knitters; two enormous gilt
+knitting-needles to be carried by the leaders and a banner with "We
+Knitted our Way to Victory!" and myself on a triumphal car dressed
+in white silk-knitting. And then, just as everything was being
+arranged at our "Knitters' Peace Procession" committee meetings, I
+found that Beryl Clarges had <i>stolen my idea</i> and was
+arranging a "Crochet Peace Procession," with an immense gilt
+crochet-hook to be carried in front, and a banner with some
+nonsense about crochet on it, and herself on a triumphal car
+dressed in crochet!</p>
+<p>I said exactly what I thought before I left off speaking to
+her.</p>
+<p>Then, again, everyone wants to give a dance on peace night. I'd
+settled to give a big affair with some perfectly new departures,
+and all the nicest people I wanted have said, "Sorry, dearest, but
+I'm giving one myself that night." I've no patience with the
+silliness and selfishness of everybody.</p>
+<p>Talking of dances, one's getting a bit
+<i>d&eacute;go&ucirc;t&eacute;e</i> of Jazz bands and steps. When
+<i>ces autres</i> get hold of anything it always begins to leave
+off being amusing. There's really a new step, however, the Peace
+Leap, that hasn't yet been quite <i>us&eacute;</i> and spoilt by
+the outlying tribes. The origin of it was a little funny. Chippy
+Havilland was at one of Kickshaw's Jazz dinners one night, where
+people fly out of their seats to one-step and two-step between the
+courses and during the courses and all the time. Well, while Chippy
+was eating his fish the band struck up that catchy Jazz-stagger,
+"She's corns on her toes," and Chippy, his mouth full of fish,
+jumped up and began to dance. <i>Of course</i> several fish-bones
+flew down his throat, and while he was choking he did such fearful
+and wonderful things that the whole room, not dreaming the poor
+dear was at his <i>dernier soupir</i>, broke out clapping and
+shouting and then imitated him, and by the time Chippy felt better
+he found himself famous and everybody doing the Peace Leap, which
+has completely cut out the Jazz-stagger, the Wolf's Prowl and
+everything else.</p>
+<p>Oh, my dearest, who <i>do</i> you think are among the crowd of
+married people who're going to celebrate peace by dissolving
+partnership? The Algy Mallowdenes! Our prize couple! The
+<i>flitchiest</i> of Dunmow Flitch pairs! The <i>turtlest</i> of
+turtle&mdash;doves! Whenever people spoke of marriage as played out
+other people always weighed in with, "Well, but look at the Algy
+Mallowdenes."</p>
+<p>They married on war-bread and <span class="pagenum"><a name=
+"page417" id="page417"></a>[pg 417]</span> Government cheese and
+kisses (unrationed). Seriously, though, <i>m'amie</i>, I believe
+they'd scarcely anything beyond his two thousand pounds a year as
+Permanent Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary at the
+No-Use-Coming-Here Office. Certainly an "official residence" and a
+staff of servants were allowed 'em, but when poor Lallie asked to
+have a ball-room built, and Algy said he simply <i>must</i> have a
+billiard-room and smoke-room added, one of those fearful red-flag
+creatures got up in the House just as the money was going to be
+voted and made such an uproar that the matter was dropped.</p>
+<p>And then, having heaps of spare time at the No-Use-Coming-Here
+Office, Algy began to write novels and found himself at once.
+You've read some of them, of course? Life with a big L, my dear.
+Every kind of world while you wait, the upper, the under, and the
+half. Lallie was very glad of the money that came rolling in, but I
+believe she said wistfully, "How does my gentle quiet Algy know so
+much about this, that and the other?" And her gentle quiet Algy
+made answer: "Intuition, dear; imagination; the novelist's
+temperament."</p>
+<p>By-and-by, however, she began to hear of his being seen at the
+Umpty Club and Gaston's, chatting with Pearl Preston (one of those
+people, you know, Daphne, who're immensely talked about but never
+mentioned). And then a "certain liveliness" set in at the official
+residence of the Permanent Irremovable Assistant
+Under-Secretary.</p>
+<p>"You silly little goosey!" said Algy; "don't you see that it's
+not as a man who admires her but as a novelist who's studying her
+that I talk to Pearl Preston? She's my next heroine. A heroine like
+that is a <i>sine qu&acirc; non</i> in a novel of the Modernist
+school."</p>
+<p>But Lallie <i>couldn't</i> see the dif between a man and a
+novelist, and Algy <i>couldn't</i> write his best seller without
+studying its heroine, and so&mdash;and so&mdash;at last our poor
+prize couple are in that long list that an overworked judge
+complained of the other day. And if you ask for the moral I suppose
+it's "Don't try to study character where there isn't any."</p>
+<p>This is emphatically a season for <i>arms</i>, my Daphne, which
+seems quite a good little idea for peace-time! Faces and figures
+don't count; it's the arm, the whole arm and nothing but the arm!
+There are all sorts of stunts for attracting attention to round
+white arms, and if one has the other kind one had better go and do
+a rest-cure. Your Blanche is beyond criticism in that respect, as
+you know, and the other night at the opera I'd a <i>succ&egrave;s
+fou</i> with a big black-enamel beetle, held in place by an
+invisible platinum chain, crawling on my upper arm.</p>
+<p>Lady Manoeuvrer is simply <i>ravie de joie</i> at the rage for
+arms, for her Daffodil, who's been a great worry to her (she's the
+only clever one, you know, all the others being pretty), has the
+best arms of the whole bunch. She's taken Madame Fallalerie's
+course, "The Fascination of the Arms," and is made to flourish hers
+about from morn to night, poor child, till she sometimes does a
+small weep from sheer exhaustion. The other day at Kempford Races,
+in a no-sleeved coatee with a black sticking-plaster racehorse in
+full gallop on her upper arm, she attracted plenty of attention and
+had two offers, I hear. Arms and the man, again!</p>
+<p><i>&Agrave; propos</i>, Lady Manoeuvrer told me yesterday she'd
+sent a thank-offering to one of the hospitals. "But how sweet of
+you!" I said. "For the restoration of Peace, I suppose?" "No,
+dearest," she whispered; "for the restoration of the London
+Season!"</p>
+<p class="center">Ever
+thine,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;BLANCHE.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href=
+"images/417.png"><img width="100%" src="images/417.png" alt=
+"TWO STRAPS, 'AMMERSMITH." /></a> <i>Tube Habitu&eacute; (homeward
+bound).</i> "TWO STRAPS, 'AMMERSMITH."</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"LETTS TAKE RIGA."</p>
+<p><i>Daily Mail.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Yes, and let's keep it.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page418" id="page418"></a>[pg
+418]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/418.png"><img width="100%" src="images/418.png" alt=
+"TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO LET." /></a>
+<p><i>Manager (introducing music-hall turn).</i> "LADIES AND
+GENTLEMEN, KHAGOOLA WILL NOW PROCEED TO GIVE HIS ASTOUNDING
+CLAIRVOYANT, MEMORY AND SECOND SIGHT ACT, AND WILL ANSWER ANY
+QUESTION THAT ANY MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE MAY PUT TO HIM."</p>
+<p><i>Voice from Gallery</i>. "TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO
+LET."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>MURMAN AMENITIES.</h2>
+<p>This was to have been an essay from an igloo, describing the
+awful privations of the writer and the primitive savagery of his
+surroundings on the Murman coast. It was to have wrung the
+sympathetic heart of the public and at the same time to have
+enthralled the student of barbaric life with its wealth of exotic
+detail. While embodying all the best-known newspaper
+<i>clich&eacute;s</i> appropriated to these latitudes it was to
+have included others specially and laboriously prepared after a
+fascinating study of Arctic literature.</p>
+<p>But circumstances have blighted its early inspiration, and the
+article it was to have been will never be written, the telling
+word-pictures designed on board the transport never executed.</p>
+<p>Figure the disgust of five adventurers who, landing at the
+Murman base, sternly braced to encounter the last extremity of
+peril and of hardship, to sleep in the snow and dig one another out
+o' mornings, to give the weakest of their number the warmest icicle
+to suck, the longest candle to chew&mdash;found themselves billeted
+in a room which the landladies of home would delight to advertise!
+Its walls were hung with such pictures as give cheap lodgings half
+their horror; it was encumbered with countless frail chairs and
+"kiggly" tables, and upon every flat surface had settled a swarm of
+albums, framed photographs, china dogs, wax flowers,
+penholder-stands, and all the choicest by-products of civilization
+struggling towards culture. As we were not to be frozen by exposure
+or immediately attacked by Bolshies, we might reasonably have
+expected to be asphyxiated by the Russian stove; but even this
+consolation was denied us, since Madame, convinced that the English
+are mad in their love of fresh air, consented to leave it
+unlit.</p>
+<p>When first we arrived, five large soldiers with five large kits,
+the aspect of the room filled us with terror. The fiercest frost or
+foe we could have faced, but the bravest man may quail before
+wax-flowers and fragile tables top-heavy with ornaments and
+knick-knacks, and all felt that to encounter such things within the
+Arctic Circle was an unfair test of our fortitude. Why had not the
+War Office or some newspaper correspondent warned us?</p>
+<p>Madame, however, proved to have a sense of proportion or humour;
+or perhaps the collection was not her own. In any case she showed
+no reluctance to displace family photographs or china dogs, and
+rapidly had the room cleared for action; so that now, when we roll
+about the floor in friendly struggle, it is only someone's toilet
+tackle that crashes with its spidery table, instead of cherished
+artificial fauna and flora.</p>
+<p>Thanks to our serviceable and becoming Arctic kit and the steady
+approach of the Spring thaw, heralded by the preparation of spare
+bridges to replace the existing ones, we can defy the
+eccentricities of the climate. Even the language begins to reveal
+what might be termed hand-holds; though possibly, when the natives
+echo our words of greeting, painfully acquired from textbooks on
+Russian, they are simply imitating the sounds we make under the
+impression that they are learning a little English.</p>
+<p>More difficult problems arise, however, regarding questions of
+military etiquette. Not King's Regulations, nor Military Law, nor
+any handbook devotes even a sub-paragraph to light and leading upon
+certain points which we have here to consider every day. For
+example, if a subaltern glissading on ski down the village street,
+maintaining his precarious balance by the aid of a "stick" in each
+hand, meets a General, also on ski and also a novice, what should
+happen? What <i>does</i> happen we know by demonstration: the
+subaltern brandishes both sticks round his head, slides forward
+five yards, smartly crosses the points of his ski and then,
+plunging forward, buries his head in the wayside drift, while the
+General Officer sits down and says what he thinks. But we do not
+know if these gestures of natural courtesy are such as our mentors
+would approve. No authority has set up for us any ideal in such
+matters. From official rules of deportment the British soldier
+knows how to salute when on foot or mounted on bicycle, horse,
+mule, camel, elephant, motor-lorry or yak, but no provision has
+been made for the case of an army scooting on ski. So here we are
+at large in the Arctic Circle, coping with new conditions by the
+light of nature, and paying such perilous "compliments" to senior
+officers as our innate courtesy and sense, of balance suggest and
+permit.</p>
+<p>Further, consider the question of dress. Even the gunners, who
+in the late war used to wear riding-breeches of their favourite
+colour, no matter what it was, the kind of footgear they most
+fancied, and any old variety of hat they thought becoming, are
+shocked by the fantastic kit that is countenanced in this latitude.
+It must be borne in mind that most of us are old campaigners and
+old nomads whose tailors have grown accustomed to build us
+appropriate gear for various climes. Fashions for fighting in
+France, in Egypt, in Mesopotamia, have gained a hold upon our
+affections, to say nothing of those <span class="pagenum"><a name=
+"page419" id="page419"></a>[pg 419]</span> designs for civil
+breadwinning or moss-dodging in Central Africa, Bond Street,
+Kirkcaldy or Dawson City. The consequence is that here, pretty well
+out of A.P.M. range, sartorial individualism flourishes unchecked.
+Thus the eye is startled to behold a fur headdress as big as a
+busby, an ordinary service tunic, gaberdine breeches, shooting
+stockings and Shackleton boots, going about as component parts of
+one officer's make-up; or snow-goggles worn with flannel trousers,
+or sharp-toothed Boreas defied by a bare head and a chamois-leather
+jerkin; or the choice flowers of Savile Row associated with
+Canadian moccasins.</p>
+<p>What idea will the North Russians retain of the outward
+appearance of the typical British officer? How will the little
+Lapps, befurred and smiling, who come sliding to market behind the
+trotting reindeer, report of us to the smaller Lapps at home? In
+any case I hope we shall found a legend of a well-meaning if
+peculiar and patchwork people.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/419.png"><img width="100%" src="images/419.png" alt=
+"SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES IN EARLY TIMES." /></a>
+<p><i>British Matron (whose husband has just had his weekly coat of
+woad, to visitor).</i> "I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT MY HUSBAND CAN'T SEE
+YOU TILL HE'S DRY."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Gas Stoker wanted for 11 million works, used to gas engine and
+exhauster; 50<i>s</i>. per week of seven 12-hour
+shifts."&mdash;<i>Advt. in Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>In the circumstances the reference to "exhauster" seems
+superfluous.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>NEW AIDS TO THE ANGRY.</h3>
+<p>The readers of the Personal Column of <i>The Times</i> were
+lately refreshed by the following entry:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p class="note">"Would the person in the green Tyrolese hat note
+that though it may be a custom on his own course to pocket
+golf-balls on the fairway, it is not done elsewhere."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>For long the Personal Column has been a vehicle for appeal and
+regret, for affection and grief, in addition to its other manifold
+uses; but as an instrument of admonishment it is fresh. The tragic
+thing is that up to the time of going to press the green Tyrolese
+hat has made no reply. Either it does not read <i>The Times</i> or
+it has been rendered speechless. We were longing for some
+first-class recriminations.</p>
+<p>The new fashion is sure to spread. For example, any morning we
+are liable to find this:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p class="note">Would the lady (?) in the purple toque note that,
+though it may be the thing in her home to disregard the feelings of
+others, the abstraction of someone else's chair at a White Sale at
+Blankridge's is not the thing.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>And again:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p class="note">The female with a red parasol, who thought it her
+duty to struggle like a wild-cat for a place on a No. 11 bus,
+opposite the Stores, on Friday afternoon last at a quarter to
+three, may be interested in learning that the service is not run
+solely for her.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>And a more intimate note still may be struck. Something like
+this may be looked for:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p class="note">Will Lydia Lopokova take pity on an unhappy and
+neglected wife, whose husband has stated that he would resume
+dining at home only on condition that the table was laid as it is
+laid in <i>The Good-Humoured Ladies</i>?</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<h3>BEFORE.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Before I was a little girl I was a little bird,</p>
+<p>I could not laugh, I could not dance, I could not speak a
+word;</p>
+<p>But all about the woods I went and up into the sky&mdash;</p>
+<p>And isn't it a pity I've forgotten how to fly?</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I often came to visit you. I used to sit and sing</p>
+<p>Upon our purple lilac bush that smells so sweet in Spring;</p>
+<p>But when you thanked me for my song of course you never knew</p>
+<p>I soon should be a little girl and come to live with you.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p class="center">R. F.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>More Dillydallying.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Arbitration is to be adopted first in disputes between members
+of the League, then meditation by the Council."&mdash;<i>Liverpool
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page420" id="page420"></a>[pg
+420]</span>
+<h2>THE TREACHEROUS SON.</h2>
+<p>I certainly hoped when I took up my quarters in this quiet
+village that there would be no jarring note to disturb the idyllic
+peace of my surroundings. And yet I had not been long in this
+pleasant sitting-room, with its outlook on blossom-laden
+fruit-trees, creamy-spired chestnuts and wooded down, before I
+became aware that a pitiful and rather sordid little domestic drama
+was in progress within fifty yards from my open windows. I
+discovered a son in the act of encouraging his aged and apparently
+imbecile parent to gamble with a professional swindler! Not that I
+have actually seen them thus engaged. As a matter of fact I have
+merely heard a few short remarks&mdash;and those were all spoken by
+the son. But, as everyone knows, even a single sentence
+accidentally overheard by an observant stranger may give him a
+clearer insight into the unknown, and possibly unseen, speaker's
+character than could be gained from countless chapters of a modern
+analytical novel.</p>
+<p>So these four sentences were quite enough for <i>me</i>. Perhaps
+I should mention here that the three personages in this drama are
+birds&mdash;which makes it all the more painful.</p>
+<p>Like many of our British birds, the sole speaker occasionally
+drops into English, or I should never have understood what was
+going on. He may be a blackbird or thrush, but I doubt it, because
+I know all <i>their</i> remarks, while his are new to me. If A.A.M.
+heard them he would probably tell me they were those of a
+"Blackman's Warbler," and I should have believed him&mdash;once.
+Hardly now, after he has so airily exposed his title as an
+authority; but even as it is I should not dream of questioning his
+statement that "the egg of course is rather more speckled," because
+I can well believe that the egg this bird&mdash;whatever he
+is&mdash;came from was very badly speckled indeed.</p>
+<p>It seems that, some time ago&mdash;I can't say when exactly, but
+it was before I came down here&mdash;this unnatural son introduced
+to the parental abode (which I think is either No. 5 or No. 6 in a
+row of young chestnuts abutting on the high road) a rook of more
+than dubious reputation, whom he persuaded his unsuspecting sire to
+put up for the night. And there the rook has been ever since. As I
+said, I have neither heard nor seen him, but I'm positive he's
+<i>there</i>. I am unable to give the precise date on which he
+first led the conversation to the good old English game of "rigging
+the thimble"&mdash;that also was before I came. All I can state
+with certainty is that he interested his host in it so effectually
+that now the infatuated old fool is playing it all day long.</p>
+<p>This is evident from his son's conversation; during the pause
+which invariably precedes it I should undoubtedly hear the
+father-bird (if he would only speak up&mdash;which he doesn't)
+quavering, "I'm not sure, my boy, I'm not <i>sure</i>, but I've a
+notion that, <i>this</i> time, he's left the pea under the
+<i>middle</i> thimble&mdash;eh?"</p>
+<p>On which the young scoundrel, knowing well that it is elsewhere,
+pipes out, "There it <i>is</i>, Fa-ther, there it <i>is</i>,
+Fa-ther!" with an unctuous humility shading into impatient contempt
+that is simply indescribable, being indeed too revolting for
+words.</p>
+<p>Then, as the father still wavers, his son makes some
+observations which I cannot quite follow, but take to be on the
+fairness of the game as played with a sportsbird, and the certainty
+that the luck must turn sooner or later. After which he exhorts
+him&mdash;this time in plain English&mdash;to "be a bird."
+Whereupon the doting old parent decides that he <i>will</i> be a
+bird and back the middle thimble, and the next moment I hear the
+son exclaim, evidently referring to the rook, "No, '<i>e</i>'s got
+it; no, '<i>e</i>'s got it. Cheer up! Cheer up!" with a perfunctory
+concern that is but a poor disguise for indecent exultation. I am
+not suggesting, by the way, that birds are in the habit of dropping
+their "h's"&mdash;but <i>this</i> one does. There are times when he
+is so elated by his parent's defeat that he cannot repress an
+outburst of inarticulate devilry. And so the game goes on, minute
+after minute, hour after hour, every day from dawn to dusk. The
+amount of grains or grubs or whatever the stakes may be (and it is
+not likely that any rook would play for love), that that old idiot
+must have lost even since I have been here, is beyond all
+calculation. He has never once been allowed to spot the right
+thimble, but he <i>will</i> go on. As to the son's motive in
+permitting it, any bird of the world would tell you that, if you
+possess a senile parent who is bound to be rooked by somebody, it
+had better be by a person with whom you can come to a previous
+arrangement.</p>
+<p>Now I come to think of it, though, I have not heard the
+unnatural offspring once since I sat down to write this. Can it
+have dawned at last upon his parent that this is one of those
+little games where the odds are a trifle too heavy in favour of the
+Table? Or can the son have sickened of his own villainy and washed
+his claws of his shady confederate? I don't know why, but I am
+almost beginning to hope.... No; through the open window comes the
+well-known cry, "There it <i>is</i>, Fa-ther! There it <i>is</i>,
+Fa-ther! Be a bird! Be a <i>bird</i>!... No, '<i>e</i>'s got it!
+No, '<i>e</i>'s got it! Cheer up! Cheer up!" They are at it
+again!</p>
+<p class="author">F.A.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>A SHADY TENANT.</h2>
+<blockquote>
+<p class="note">[From inquiries made by a <i>Daily Chronicle</i>
+representative it appears that the present demand for housing
+accommodation is such that people no longer draw the line at
+ghosts.]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The problem at last is a thing of the past;</p>
+<p class="i2">Doubts and fears, Geraldine, are at rest;</p>
+<p>We can put up the banns and make definite plans,</p>
+<p class="i2">For the love-birds will soon have a nest.</p>
+<p>I've inspected, my sweet, the sequestered retreat</p>
+<p class="i2">In which we are destined to dwell,</p>
+<p>And on thinking things out I have not the least doubt</p>
+<p class="i2">It will suit us exceedingly well.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>There are drawbacks, I grant, but one nowadays can't</p>
+<p class="i2">Have perfection, as you are aware,</p>
+<p>And I'm sure you won't grouse when I state that the house</p>
+<p class="i2">Is both damp and in need of repair.</p>
+<p>I might add there's a floor that shows traces of gore;</p>
+<p class="i2">I discovered the latter to be</p>
+<p>That of one Lady Jane, who was brutally slain</p>
+<p class="i2">By her husband in Sixteen-Two-Three.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Years have passed since the time of that dastardly crime,</p>
+<p class="i2">But the victim's intangible shade</p>
+<p>Can be seen to this day, so the villagers say,</p>
+<p class="i2">In diaphanous garments arrayed.</p>
+<p>In the gloom of the room where she met with her doom</p>
+<p class="i2">She's appearing once nightly, it seems,</p>
+<p>And the listener quails as lugubrious wails</p>
+<p class="i2">Are succeeded by agonised screams.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But the trivial flaws I have mentioned need cause</p>
+<p class="i2">No concern; I am certain that you</p>
+<p>Will approve of my choice, Geraldine, and rejoice</p>
+<p class="i2">In the thought that our haven's in view.</p>
+<p>In the likely event of your mother's descent</p>
+<p class="i2">There's the warmest of welcomes in store,</p>
+<p>And a rug I'll provide for her bedroom, to hide</p>
+<p class="i2">That indelible stain on the floor.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page421" id="page421"></a>[pg
+421]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/421.png"><img width="100%" src="images/421.png" alt=
+"A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION." /></a>
+<h3>A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION.</h3>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page422" id="page422"></a>[pg
+422]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/422.png"><img width="100%" src="images/422.png" alt=
+"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?" /></a>
+<p><i>Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony).</i>
+"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE NEW ARM.</h2>
+<p class="center"><i>(On perceiving William in mufti again and
+carrying one.)</i></p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>What is this implement of warfare, Bill?</p>
+<p class="i2">What seed of fire within its entrails slumbers?</p>
+<p>Does it unfold at all? Run through the drill,</p>
+<p class="i2">Doing it first by numbers.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Not a grenade and not a parachute?</p>
+<p class="i2">Some remnant rather of the ancient folly,</p>
+<p>Some touch of times before the Big Dispute?</p>
+<p class="i2">I have it now! A brolly.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Yes, and it opens outwards like a tent,</p>
+<p class="i2">Guarding the sacred poll from skies injurious.</p>
+<p>Up with it! Let us see your tops'ls bent.</p>
+<p class="i2">How splendid! And how curious!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Do it again, Bill. I am better now;</p>
+<p class="i2">Only at first, perhaps, I slightly trembled.</p>
+<p>Press on the little clutch and show me how</p>
+<p class="i2">The parts are reassembled.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>To think men poked these things into the sky,</p>
+<p class="i2">Fearing to face the storm's minutest particles,</p>
+<p>Through four long hectic years, whilst you and I</p>
+<p class="i2">Forgot there were such articles.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>It brings the old times back to one again,</p>
+<p class="i2">The grim-eyed crowd that faced the morning's
+dolours</p>
+<p>Doing their very best to drip the rain</p>
+<p class="i2">Down other people's collars;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The fond, fond pair beneath a single dome;</p>
+<p class="i2">The fight to ride on Hammersmiths and Chelseas;</p>
+<p>The rapture when you found on reaching home</p>
+<p class="i2">Your gamp was someone else's.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>O symbol of routine and office hours!</p>
+<p class="i2">O emblem of the soft civilian status!</p>
+<p>Shall I too deign to roof me from the showers</p>
+<p class="i2">With such an apparatus?</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Shall I consent to grasp within my hand</p>
+<p class="i2">The sign of serfdom and to get the habit</p>
+<p>Of marching like a mushroom down the Strand,</p>
+<p class="i2">A mushroom on a rabbit?</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Never. O hateful sight! And yet&mdash;and yet</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm not so sure. This month has been a dry one;</p>
+<p>June will most probably be beastly wet;</p>
+<p class="i2">P'r'aps, after all, I'll buy one.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="center">EVOE.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<h4>East is East.</h4>
+<p>"The Girl Guides are doing well.... Another guide was married
+this month to Corporal &mdash;&mdash;. We wish them all
+happiness."&mdash;<i>Diocesan Magazine (India).</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Corporal &mdash;&mdash; appears to be a specialist.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"There are persistent rumours of a plot to bring back the old
+r&eacute;gime and put either a Hohenzollern or a representative of
+some other Royal house on the Thorne of Germany."&mdash;<i>Canadian
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>EX-KAISER (<i>loq</i>.): "No, thanks; I've had some."</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"OXFORD FOR HOLIDAYS.&mdash;Most beautiful city in England. Good
+lodgings and boating. Two golf links and fishing."&mdash;<i>Advt.
+in Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We seem to remember, too, some mention of an educational
+establishment in connection with the place.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<h4>Our Helpful Contemporaries.</h4>
+<p>"There have been cases, we believe, in which the height of a
+person has increased after the person had reached mature age, but
+it has always been suspected that this was due to greater
+uprightness. A man who stoops always looks shorter than when he is
+standing quite upright. But no such explanation as this can be
+given for an apparent increase of the human head. If a head really
+requires a larger hat it must be because the head is
+larger."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page423" id="page423"></a>[pg
+423]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/423.png"><img width="100%" src="images/423.png" alt=
+"HONOUR SATISFIED." /></a>
+<h3>HONOUR SATISFIED.</h3>
+<p>GERMAN DELEGATE. "SIGN? I'D SOONER DIE! <i>(Aside)</i> AFTER
+WHICH PRELIMINARY REMARKS I WILL NOW SELECT A NIB."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<!--Blank page 424-->
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page425" id="page425"></a>[pg
+425]</span>
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+<p><i>Monday, May 19th.</i>&mdash;The coalminers lately received
+concessions in wages and hours that are going to cost the country
+twenty millions sterling in the present financial year. The first
+result of this boon (<i>teste</i> Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES) is that they
+are turning out less coal per man than ever, and that the unhappy
+consumer must look forward to a further reduction in his already
+meagre ration. It is rather hard upon Mr. SMILLIE, who daily
+dilates in the Coal Commission upon the hardships of the miner's
+life, that his clients should let him down like this.</p>
+<p>For a thorough-going democrat commend me to Lieutenant-Commander
+KENWORTHY, the new Member for Central Hull, whose latest idea is
+that before British troops are sent to any new front the approval
+of the House of Commons should be obtained. I suspect that if,
+during his active-service days, some Member had proposed a similar
+restriction on the movements of the Fleet the comments of the
+gallant Commander himself would have been more pithy than
+Parliamentary.</p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width:33%;"><a href=
+"images/425-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/425-1.png" alt=
+"LADIES IN GOVERNMENT MOTOR-CARS. " /></a>LADIES IN GOVERNMENT
+MOTOR-CARS.<br />
+<i>General Seely.</i> "WELL, HARDLY EVER."</div>
+<p>The number of motor-cars at the disposal of the Air Ministry now
+stands at the apparently irreducible minimum of forty-two. Quite a
+number of the officials use train or bus, like ordinary folk; some
+have even been seen to walk; and there has been such a slump in
+"joy-riding" that when asked if ladies were now carried in the
+official chariots General SEELY was able to assure the House that
+that never happens; though I think he added under his
+breath&mdash;"well, hardly ever."</p>
+<p>There was barely a quorum when Colonel LESLIE WILSON rose to
+introduce the estimates of the Shipping Controller. This was a
+pity, for he had a good story to tell of the mercantile marine, and
+told it very well. He was less successful on the subject of the
+"national shipyards," which have cost four millions of money and in
+two years have not succeeded in turning out a single completed
+ship. With the wisdom that comes after the event Sir CHARLES HENRY
+fulminated ferociously against the "superman" who had imposed this
+"disastrous scheme" upon the country.</p>
+<p>This brought up the superman himself, Sir ERIC GEDDES, who in
+the most vigorous speech he has yet delivered in the House defended
+the scheme as being absolutely essential at the time it was
+initiated. It was a war-time expedient, which changing
+circumstances had rendered unnecessary; but if the War and the
+U-boat campaign had gone on it might have been the salvation of the
+country. After all you can't expect to have shipyards without
+making a few slips.</p>
+<p><i>Tuesday, May 20th.</i>&mdash;The advance of woman continues.
+Very soon she will have her foot upon the first rung of the
+judicial ladder, and be able to write J.P. after her name, for the
+LORD CHANCELLOR, pointing out that in this matter the Government
+were bound to honour the pledges of the PRIME MINISTER, gracefully
+swallowed Lord BEAUCHAMP'S Bill. He took occasion, however, to warn
+the prospective justicesses (if that is the right term) that, as
+the Commissions of the Peace were already fully manned, it might be
+some time before any large number of ladies could be added to the
+roll of those who, in the words of the Prayer-book, "indifferently
+administer justice."</p>
+<p>Quite unintentionally, of course, Mr. BOTTOMLEY did the
+Government a real service in the Commons. Every day since his
+return from Paris Mr. BONAR LAW has been pestered with inquiries as
+to when, if ever, the House was to be allowed to discuss the Peace
+terms, and has evaded a direct answer with more or less ingenuity.
+This afternoon Mr. BOTTOMLEY, after hearing that the LEADER OF THE
+HOUSE had "nothing to add" to his previous replies, asked if he was
+right in supposing that, when the Treaty came up for ratification,
+the House must take it or leave it, and would have no power to
+amend it in any respect. Mr. LAW joyfully jumped at the chance of
+ending the daily catechism once for all. "That," he said, "exactly
+represents the position, and I do not see in what other way any
+Treaty could ever be arranged."</p>
+<p>In anticipation of the debate on the Finance Bill Mr. SYDNEY
+ARNOLD sought an admission from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
+that the income-tax on small incomes was hardly worth retaining,
+owing to the cost of collection. Not at all, said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN.
+It costs six hundred thousand pounds and brings in eight million.
+Of course, he added, it costs more proportionately to collect small
+amounts than large. If the whole of the income-tax could be paid by
+one individual the cost of collection would be <i>nil</i>. One
+imagined the CHANCELLOR on the eve of the Budget wishing,
+<i>&agrave; la</i> NERO, that the whole of the British people had
+but one purse, into which he could dip as deeply and as often as he
+pleased.</p>
+<p>The debate on the Finance Bill was largely devoted to the
+proposed "levy on capital," which a section of the "Wee Frees," who
+already display fissiparous tendencies, have borrowed from the
+Labourites. After their amendment was framed, however, Mr. ASQUITH
+spoke at Newcastle, and ostentatiously refused to say a word about
+the new nostrum. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, anxious to avoid displeasing
+either his old leader or his new supporters, contented himself with
+the suggestion that a Commission should be set up to consider the
+subject.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page426" id="page426"></a>[pg
+426]</span>
+<p>The CHANCELLOR had little difficulty in disposing of the
+amendment. He might, indeed, have contented himself with quoting
+the War Bond advertisements, which daily inform us that the
+patriotic investor "will receive the whole of his money back with a
+substantial premium."</p>
+<p>The Preference proposals which Mr. ACLAND had described as bred
+"by Filial Piety out of the Board of Trade" received the unexpected
+aid of Sir ALFRED MOND, who disposed of his Cobdenite prejudices as
+easily as the conjurer swallows his gloves, and unblushingly
+asserted that the tiny Preference now proposed, far from being the
+advance-guard of Protection, was in reality a very strong movement
+towards Free Trade. Comforted by this authoritative declaration
+Coalition Liberals helped the Government to defeat the amendment by
+317 to 72.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href=
+"images/425-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/425-2.png" alt=
+"THE LONG PULL." /></a>THE LONG PULL.<br />
+MR. ROBERTS RESPONDS TO HIS COUNTRY'S CALL.</div>
+<p><i>Wednesday, May 21st.</i>&mdash;The Peers being as usual
+rather short of work at this period of the Session, the LORD
+CHANCELLOR introduced a Bill "to enable the Official Solicitor for
+the time being to exercise powers and duties conferred on the
+person holding the office of Official Solicitor."</p>
+<p>The rumours that have lately appeared in the papers, to the
+effect that the FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was contemplating
+revolutionary alterations at Hampton Court&mdash;in particular that
+he was going to transform the famous pond-garden into something
+quite different: a MOND-garden, in fact&mdash;are, it seems,
+grossly exaggerated. All that he has done is to appoint a Committee
+of experts to advise him what, if any, changes are desirable.</p>
+<p>The resumed debate on the Finance Bill was enlivened by some
+personal details. By way of showing that even without a levy on
+capital the rich man bears his share of the burdens of the State,
+Sir EDWARD CARSON remarked that, when he receives a retainer, he
+immediately allows for the super-tax and enters it in his fee-book
+at only half the amount. He had had one that very morning. "Say it
+was five pounds"&mdash;and the House laughed loudly at such an
+absurd supposition.</p>
+<p>Then we had Lord HUGH CECIL pointing his argument that the
+importance of the proposed Preference to the Dominions was
+political rather than economical by the remark that if he was going
+to be married&mdash;which he fervently hoped would not happen to
+him&mdash;he would expect his mythical bride to value his
+engagement-ring less for its pecuniary than its sentimental
+value.</p>
+<p>A capital speech by Mr. STANLEY BALDWIN, one of the few men in
+the House who talks finance as if he really understood it, wound up
+the debate, and procured the Finance Bill a second reading <i>nem.
+con.</i></p>
+<p><i>Thursday, May 22nd.</i>&mdash;The Ministry of Health Bill
+came up for third reading in the Lords. An eleventh-hour attempt by
+the Government to provide the new Minister with an additional
+Under-Secretary was heavily defeated, Lord DOWNHAM being
+appropriately enough one of the Tellers for the Opposition.</p>
+<p>The Commons heard some good news. Mr. KENDALL'S pathetic story
+of an angling-party which, after walking five miles along a dusty
+road to its favourite hostelry, found it adorned with the now too
+frequent notice, "Closed&mdash;No Beer," brought a most sympathetic
+reply from Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS, who boldly confessed, "I am a
+believer in good beer myself," and later on announced that the
+Government had decided to increase the output from twenty million
+to twenty-six million standard barrels.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/426.png"><img width="100%" src="images/426.png" alt=
+"HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN." /></a>
+<p><i>Geordie (after intently watching conductor of Jazz band for
+some time).</i> "AH'VE HAD ENOUGH O' THIS. YON CHAP WI' STICK'S
+ONLY CODDIN'. HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page427" id="page427"></a>[pg
+427]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/427.png"><img width="100%" src="images/427.png" alt=
+"I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?" /></a>
+<p><i>Farmer.</i> "WELL, I BE MAIN GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK FROM THE
+WAR. I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>WHAT'S IN A NAME?</h3>
+<p>The original answer to the question at the head of these
+insignificant remarks was (correct me if I am wrong) nothing. "A
+rose," said <i>Juliet</i>, "by any other name would smell as
+sweet." But of course she was wrong. If a rose were handed to a
+visitor in the garden, with the words, "Do see how wonderful this
+onion is!" such a prejudice would be set up as fatally to impair
+its fragrance. There is, in fact, much in a name; and therefore the
+attempt of a correspondent of <i>The Daily Express</i> to find a
+generic nomenclature for domestic servants should be given very
+serious attention; the purpose being to meet "the objection felt by
+so many women servants to being either called by Christian or
+surname."</p>
+<p>As a means of placating this very sensitive class the
+correspondent writes:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"One nearly always calls a cook by the name of her calling. I
+therefore suggest that a name be adopted beginning with the first
+letter of the class. For example:&mdash;</p>
+<table summary="names" width="40%" align="center">
+<tr>
+<td>Lady's-maid</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td>Louise.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Parlourmaid</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td>Palmer.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Housemaid</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td>Hannah.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>General</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td>Gertrude.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Scullerymaid</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td>Sarah."</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>Here we have materials for a sweeping innovation which might, if
+it spread, not only simplify life but reinforce the language. For
+why confine such terms to domestic servants? If all parlourmaids
+are to be called "Palmer," why not, for example, call all editors
+"Eddy" (very good Eddy, or very bad Eddy, according to taste)? And
+all London County Councillors, "Elsie"?</p>
+<p>But let us look a little narrowly at the specimens given.
+"Palmer" for "parlourmaid" is good; but "Louise" does not reproduce
+the sound values of "lady's-maid." Some such word as "Lais" would
+be better, or why not "Lady-bird," which combines the desired
+similarity with the new euphemism "home-bird," invented to help
+transform domestic service to a privilege and pleasure? "Hannah"
+for "housemaid" is also wrong, although for "handmaid" it would be
+good. On the analogy of "Palmer," why not call all housemaids
+"How"? or even "House"?</p>
+<p>If American Colonels can be called HOUSE, why not English
+housemaids? For generals "Jenny" would be better than "Gertrude";
+and for scullery-maids "Scully." "Scully" is quite a good name;
+there is a distinguished psychologist named SULLY, and there was an
+M.P. for Pontefract named GULLY. No scullery-maid need be
+offended.</p>
+<p>It is odd how we call some persons by their profession or
+calling, and others not. We say "Doctor," but we do not address our
+gum-architect as "Dentist." We say "Carpenter," but we do not
+address a plumber as "Plumber." (Incidentally, all plumbers might
+be called Warner). We say "Gardener" and "Coachman," but we do not
+address an advocate as "Barrister." If we had a definite rule
+everything would be simple, but as we have not it is necessary to
+find several more names. I am not at all satisfied with <i>The
+Daily Express's</i> test. For example, what would a second
+parlour-maid be called? If three were kept they might be called
+Palm, Palmer and Palmist. A long vista of difficulties opens.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page428" id="page428"></a>[pg
+428]</span>
+<h2>RUS IN URBE.</h2>
+<blockquote>
+<p class="note">["Encouraged by the summer weather yesterday, a
+titled lady took her tea with some friends on the footway at
+Belsize Park Gardens, Hampstead. Unsympathetic passers-by, however,
+complained of the obstruction ... and, following representation to
+the police by the public, the <i>al-fresco</i> tea-party was broken
+up."&mdash;<i>Daily News</i>.]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>In spite of the innate conservatism of the police we are pleased
+to think that the seeds of a happy unconventionality, sown by this
+courageous lady of title, have already borne fruit.</p>
+<p>On Thursday night, about ten o'clock, the attention of
+passers-by was drawn to a four-post bed, which was being trundled
+along the Strand by eight stalwart footmen. On it reposed the Duke
+of Sleepyacres. It appears that his Grace, on return from active
+service, found that the confined air of an ordinary bed-room
+engendered insomnia. He therefore conceived the idea of sleeping in
+the open-air and caused his bed to be placed in the centre of the
+Strand, opposite the entrance to the Savoy Hotel. The presence of
+the sleeping nobleman might have been unnoticed, had not Mr.
+SMILLIE chanced to pass the spot on his way from dining after a
+session of the Coal Commission. His eye was immediately caught by
+the ducal crest on the panels of the bed. Suspicious that this was
+a dastardly attempt on the part of a member of the landed classes
+to obtain sleeping-rights in a public thoroughfare, Mr. SMILLIE
+lodged a complaint with the police, and the Duke was removed to Bow
+Street.</p>
+<p>Some mild interest has been displayed by the public in a camp
+which has been established by three subalterns in the roadway at
+the corner of Charing Cross and Northumberland Avenue. It is a
+small and quite inconspicuous affair, consisting merely of an army
+pattern bell-tent, a camp fire and a few deck chairs. Our
+representative recently visited the occupants to ascertain the
+reason for their presence. After hastily declining an offer of a
+glass of E.F.C. port, smuggled over from France, he inquired with
+polite interest whether his hosts contemplated a lengthy stay. They
+replied that they did. They were waiting for their demobilisation
+gratuities. The locality, they added, was a quiet one, where
+advancing old age could be met in comfortable meditation. Also the
+offices of Messrs. Cox, Box &amp; Co., the Regimental Agents, were
+in convenient proximity, and the latest news of the gratuities
+could be obtained with a minimum of trouble. Up to the present the
+police have not interfered with them, apparently taking them for
+workmen employed in repairing the roadway.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+<p class="center">"KISSING TIME."</p>
+<p>For an infrequent worshipper at the shrine of Musical Comedy the
+atmosphere of a first night at a new, or renascent, theatre is
+perhaps rather too heady. There are so many potent vintages set on
+the board; so many connoisseurs who will offer to tell you
+beforehand of the merits of their favourite brands.</p>
+<p>I confess, to my shame, that when an actor with whose gifts I am
+unfamiliar is received on his entrance with a storm of applause, I
+am not prejudiced, as I ought to be, in his favour. On the contrary
+I follow his performance the more judicially, and if I cannot find
+that it corresponds to his apparent reputation I am apt (wrongly
+again) to conclude that the fault lies with him and not with
+myself.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width:33%;"><a href=
+"images/428.png"><img width="100%" src="images/428.png" alt=
+"THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW HOME." /></a>THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW
+HOME.<br />
+<br />
+MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH AND MR. LESLIE HENSON AT THE WINTER GARDEN
+THEATRE.</div>
+<p>But in the case of <i>Kissing Time</i>, after a rather dull
+First Act, during which I kept telling myself that I was not
+suffering from senile decay, I had to admit that the gods were in a
+great measure justified of their elect. For one thing the authors,
+taking a bold and original line (from the French), had produced a
+coherent plot; and both dialogue and lyrics were above what I
+understand to be the average in this kind. One expects, of course,
+a little Cockney licence&mdash;"pyjamas" rhymed with "Palmer's,"
+and so on&mdash;and a certain amount of popular banality, as in the
+song, "Some Day" (rapturously approved); but there were excellent
+verses on the text, "A woman has no mercy on a man," and, I doubt
+not, much other good stuff which I missed because Mr. IVAN CARYLL,
+who conducted (and was probably thinking more of his own pleasant
+music than somebody else's words), did not make enough allowance
+for my slowness in the up-take of patter.</p>
+<p>Mr. LESLIE HENSON was funny, and should be funnier still when
+the book has been cut down by about an hour and space allowed him
+for private developments. Miss PHYLLIS DARE was graceful and
+confident. One easily understood her popularity; but Miss YVONNE
+ARNAUD, who was a little slow for the general pace, must, I think,
+be more of an acquired taste.</p>
+<p>Mr. TOM WALLS (very svelte in his French uniform) did sound
+work, and so did Mr. GEORGE BARRETT, a humourist by gift of nature.
+Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, who with Mr. LAURILLARD has made out of the
+old Middlesex a most attractive and spacious "Winter Garden,"
+brought with him the traditions of the Gaiety, and had a warm
+personal welcome. I could bear him to be funnier than he was; but
+as I'm sure that he's clever enough to be anything he likes I can
+only assume that he wasn't really trying.</p>
+<p>I join everybody in wishing him good cheer in this "garden" of
+his, where, if the auguries fulfil themselves, he is not likely,
+even in the dog-days, to have to endure "the winter of our
+discontent."</p>
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE LAND OF MY DREAMS</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I know a spot where balmy air and still</p>
+<p class="i2">Enfolds the placid dweller hour by hour</p>
+<p class="i2">As, all unhampered in his tranquil bower,</p>
+<p>He stretches idle limbs at ease until</p>
+<p>The blessed peace about him calms his will</p>
+<p class="i2">And hidden thoughts, expanding into flower,</p>
+<p class="i2">Amaze him with their beauty, and the sour</p>
+<p>Sharp voice of Care, that sounds far off and shrill,</p>
+<p class="i2">Moves him to gentle mirth that men can be</p>
+<p>So strangely foolish as to heed her call,</p>
+<p class="i2">Regardless of their true felicity....</p>
+<p>Avoid the place, ye bores. Aroint ye all!</p>
+<p>Afflict not one to this dear haven fled,</p>
+<p>My private earthly paradise&mdash;my BED.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Quarrymen (experienced) Wanted, wages 1<i>s</i>. 5-1/2<i>d</i>.
+per hour; constant employment for good men. No bankers need
+apply."&mdash;<i>Country Paper.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Why this marked discrimination against bankers? We have known
+several who were most respectable.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page429" id="page429"></a>[pg
+429]</span>
+<h3>THE RENAISSANCE.</h3>
+<p>The unexampled rapidity with which, owing to the opportunities
+of war-time, men in all walks of life have reached the top of the
+tree in early manhood is leading on to strange but inevitable
+results. Unable to rise any higher they are already contemplating
+the heroic course of justifying their eminence by starting afresh
+at the bottom of the ladder.</p>
+<p>The crucial and classical example is, of course, furnished by
+our Boy Chancellor. It is an open secret that, with that sagacious
+foresight which has always characterised him, Lord BIRKENHEAD
+recognises the impermanency of his exalted position and is resolved
+when and if he leaves the Woolsack to resume practice as a Junior.
+It is further rumoured that some of our judges intend to follow his
+august example. The atmosphere of the Bench is not always
+exhilarating, and the salary is fixed. But a self-effacing altruism
+doubtless also enters into their motives.</p>
+<p>The impending exodus from Whitehall is another factor in the
+situation. Scores of demobilised "Ministerial angels" will soon be
+released, and are meditating fresh outlets for their benevolent
+energies. Many of them are young and some beautiful. The romance of
+commerce and of the stage will prove a potent lure. Never has the
+demand for an elegant deportment and urbane manners in our great
+shops and stores been more clamant; never has the standard been
+higher. Our ex-officials may have to stoop, but it will be to
+conquer. We can confidently look forward to the day when no shop
+will be without its DEMOSTHENES, ALCIBIADES or its CICERO.
+Opportunities for employment on the stage are likely to be
+multiplied by the alleged intention of several actor-managers to
+enter Parliament, while others, nobly anxious to satisfy the claims
+of youth, have expressed their resolve only to appear henceforth in
+such subsidiary parts as dead bodies and outside shouts.</p>
+<p>In the domain of letters some startling developments are also
+threatened on similar lines. Mr. WELLS, always remarkable for his
+refusal to commit himself to any finality in the formulation of his
+opinions, has, it is said, decided to devote his talents in future
+exclusively to the composition of educational works in words of one
+syllable, and where possible of three letters. He is also
+contemplating a revised and simplified edition of his novels,
+beginning with <i>Mr. Brit Sees It Thro'</i>. Mr. SHAW'S fresh
+start will be the greatest surprise of all. He intends to go to
+Eton and Oxford, and, as a don, to combat the tide of Socialism at
+our older Universities. Mr. BELLOC, it is reported, has re-enlisted
+in the French Artillery, and Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has accepted a
+commission in the Dutch mercantile marine.</p>
+<p>The future of Mr. ASQUITH has given rise to a good deal of
+speculation in the Press, but we are in a position to state that he
+does not intend to re-enter politics or to resume his practice at
+the Bar, but has resolved to return to his first
+love&mdash;journalism. Sport is the only department in which the
+ornate and orotund style of which Mr. ASQUITH is a master is still
+in vogue, and the description of classic events in classical
+diction will furnish him with a congenial opening for the exercise
+of his great literary talent.</p>
+<p>The rumour that Mr. BALFOUR, on his retirement from the post of
+Foreign Secretary, will take up the arduous duties of caddie-master
+at St. Andrew's is not yet fully confirmed. Meanwhile he is known
+to be considering the alternative offer of the secretaryship to the
+Handel Society. In this context it is interesting to hear that,
+according to a Rotterdam agency, Sir EDWARD ELGAR has just
+completed a series of pieces for the mouth-organ, dedicated to Sir
+LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, which will, it is hoped, be shortly heard in the
+luncheon interval at the Coal Commission.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href=
+"images/429.png"><img width="100%" src="images/429.png" alt=
+"EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS ABOUT HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?" /></a>
+<p>"EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS ABOUT
+HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page430" id="page430"></a>[pg
+430]</span>
+<h2>A SPORTING CHANCE.</h2>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR ALEC,&mdash;Jolly glad to hear you're coming home. I beat
+you after all, though. I suppose I was looking particularly pivotal
+when I saw the D.O., because he let me through at once.</p>
+<p>Will you go back to the Governor's office?</p>
+<p class="center">Yours
+ever,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GARRY NORTON.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR GARRY,&mdash;Haven't the faintest; but before settling down
+I'm going to have a week or two, either sailing or fishing, so as
+to try to shed the army feeling, and I think you'd better come with
+me. I've saved no end of shekels, and I'm going to give old Cox a
+run for his money (the bit that's mine, I mean, that he's been
+keeping for me).</p>
+<p>If you can find a likely craft, mop her up for me, old bean, and
+we'll have a hairy time somewhere on the S.W. coast.</p>
+<p class="center">Yours in
+haste,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ALEC RIDLEY.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR ALEC,&mdash;I wish you'd be less vague. What sort of a boat
+do you want&mdash;schooner, yawl, cutter or spoonbill? A
+half-decker, or the full five quires to the ream? Give me definite
+instructions and I'll do my best to carry them out. I'm afraid I
+can't get off, so you'll have to take someone else, or incarnadine
+the seas by yourself.</p>
+<p class="center">Yours as
+ever,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GARRY.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR GARRY,&mdash;Sorry to hear you can't come. Any kind of a
+boat that will go without bouncing too high will do, and if it has
+a rudder, a couple of starboard tacks, bath and butler's pantry so
+much the better. I mean to wash out the memory of those nine months
+at Basra last year with the flies.</p>
+<p class="center">
+Yours,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ALEC.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR ALEC,&mdash;What you want, my lad, is a houseboat, and I
+doubt whether you'll get one during this shortage of residential
+property.</p>
+<p>I should try fishing if I were you. In fact I have taken a bit
+of water for you in Chamshire. I haven't seen it, but am told it's
+very all right and only twenty pounds till the 10th of June.</p>
+<p class="center">Yours
+ever,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GARRY NORTON.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR GARRY,&mdash;This is a top-hole place. To have got this
+water for so little you 're absolutely the Senior Wangler.</p>
+<p>You might send me some mayflies, old dear; about half a pint I
+shall want, judging from the infernal number of bushes on the river
+banks here. Mr. MILLS's bombs have put me right off my cast and I
+can't do the old Shimmy shake either somehow. I can hear the click
+of croquet balls in the Vicarage garden as I write, so the hooping
+season has begun.</p>
+<p>There's one other chap staying in the pub. Talks and dresses
+like a War profiteer. Seems to be doing nothing but loafing about
+at present.</p>
+<p class="center">Yours
+ever,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ALEC.</p>
+<br />
+<p class="center"><i>Postcard</i>.</p>
+<p>Have ordered the mayflies and will send them soon as
+poss.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;G. N.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR GARRY,&mdash;Thanks for yours. Not so anxious about
+mayflies now, but should be glad if you would send me a pound or
+two of the best chocolates. Having good sport.</p>
+<p class="center">In haste for post,</p>
+<p class="center">Yours,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ALEC.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR ALEC,&mdash;I enclose a couple of pounds of extra special
+chocolates, but didn't know they were included in the Angler's
+Pharmacopoeia.</p>
+<p>Glad you are having good sport and justifying my choice of
+water.</p>
+<p class="center">Yours as
+usual,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GARRY.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR GARRY,&mdash;Thanks for chocs. The Vicar called the other
+day, and I have caught several cups of tea on the recoil at the
+Vicarage since. Miss Stevenson, his ewe-lamb, is A1, and we have
+had some splendid sport together. We caught eleven beauties
+yesterday; one was over 19-1/2 inches.</p>
+<p>Post just going out.</p>
+<p class="center">Yours in
+haste,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ALEC.</p>
+<p>P.S.&mdash;Another couple of pounds of chocs would be
+useful.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR ALEC,&mdash;-Awfully glad to hear the fishing is so good. I
+shall expect a brace of good long trout for breakfast one of these
+days.</p>
+<p class="center">
+Yours,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GARRY.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR GARRY,&mdash;Who said anything about fish? I sub-let the
+water (at a profit) to the War-profiteer three days after
+arriving.</p>
+<p>Miss Stevenson, with a brace of bouncing terriers, is outside
+whistling for me, so I must put the lid on.</p>
+<p class="center">
+Yours,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ALEC.</p>
+<br />
+<p>DEAR ALEC,&mdash;What's the idea? You say you let the fishing a
+fortnight ago; but last Wednesday you wrote about catching eleven
+beauties, one over nineteen and a half inches long. Some
+trout&mdash;what? But why the terriers?</p>
+<p class="center">Yours in darkness,</p>
+<p class="author">GARRY NORTON.</p>
+<br />
+<table summary="postcard" width="100%">
+<tr>
+<td colspan="2" align="center"><i>Postcard</i>.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center"><i>Rats</i>.</td><td align="center">ALEC.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<h4>"When Greek Joins Greek."</h4>
+<p>"The Red Cross announces that the repatriation of Greeks
+forcibly removed from their homes in Eastern Macedonia has been
+virtually completed despite Bulgarian opposition. The reports says
+the Greek Red Cross rendered invaluable aid in looting imprisoned
+Greeks hidden remotely."&mdash;<i>Egyptian Gazette</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE NAVY AT CAMBRIDGE.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>When first I joined the R.N.V.</p>
+<p>And ventured out upon the sea,</p>
+<p>The war-tried Subs. R.N. and Looties</p>
+<p>Who guided me about my duties</p>
+<p>Were wont to wink and chuckle if</p>
+<p>I found the going rather stiff;</p>
+<p>And when, upon the Nor'-East Rough,</p>
+<p>My legs proved scarcely firm enough</p>
+<p>To keep me yare and head-to-wind</p>
+<p>The very nicest of them grinned.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Now times are changed, and here I am</p>
+<p>Once more beside the brimming Cam,</p>
+<p>Where lo, those selfsame Loots and Subs</p>
+<p>Whirl madly by in punts and tubs,</p>
+<p>Which they propel by strength of will</p>
+<p>And muscle rather more than skill.</p>
+<p>For (if one may be fairly frank)</p>
+<p>They barge across from bank to bank,</p>
+<p>With zig-zag motions, in and out,</p>
+<p>As though torpedoes were about;</p>
+<p>Whilst I with all an expert's ease</p>
+<p>Glide by as gaily as you please,</p>
+<p>Or calmly, 'mid the rout of punts,</p>
+<p>Perform accomplished super-stunts.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But do not think I jibe or jeer</p>
+<p>However strangely they career.</p>
+<p>In soothing accents, sweet as spice,</p>
+<p>I offer them my best advice,</p>
+<p>Or deftly show them how to plant a</p>
+<p>Propulsive pole in oozy Granta,</p>
+<p>Observing, "If you only knew it</p>
+<p><i>This</i> is the proper way to do it;"</p>
+<p>Till soon each watching Looty's face</p>
+<p>Grows full of wonder at my grace,</p>
+<p>And daring Subs in frail Rob Roys</p>
+<p>Attempt to imitate my poise.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>O war-tried Loots and Subs. R.N.,</p>
+<p>Thus by the Cam we meet again;</p>
+<p>And, as in wilder sterner days,</p>
+<p>We shared the ocean's dreary ways</p>
+<p>In fellowship of single aim,</p>
+<p>I never doubt we'll do the same</p>
+<p>By sunny Cam in happier times;</p>
+<p>And therefore, if through these my rhymes</p>
+<p>Some gentle banter slyly flits,</p>
+<p>Forgive me, Sirs&mdash;and call it quits.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>From a club journal:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Members will look forward to the River Trip this year as a
+change from a Trip to the River."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>This constant craving for variety is one of the most unhealthy
+symptoms of the times in which we live.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From a report of the debate on the National
+Shipyards:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"'The Mercantile Marine was our weakest front. If the sinking
+increased our unbiblical cord would be cut' (a graphic phrase
+this)."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Graphic, perhaps, but hardly stenographic.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page431" id="page431"></a>[pg
+431]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/431.png"><img width="100%" src="images/431.png" alt=
+"NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF AGAIN." /></a>
+<p><i>Poacher (to gamekeeper who has been chasing him for twenty
+minutes).</i> "NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF
+AGAIN."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+Clerks.)</i></p>
+<p>MR. E.F. BENSON, seizing occasion as it flies, has given us, in
+<i>Across the Stream</i> (MURRAY), a story on the very topical
+subject of spiritualism and communication with the dead. As a
+practised novelist, with a touch so sure that it can hardly fail to
+adorn, he has made a tale that is interesting throughout and here
+and there aspires to real beauty of feeling; though not all the
+writer's skill can disguise a certain want of unity in the natural
+and supernatural divisions of his theme. The early part of the
+book, which tells of the boyhood of <i>Archie</i> and the attempts
+of his dead brother <i>Martin</i> to "get through" to him, are
+admirably done. As always in these studies of happy and guarded
+childhood, Mr. BENSON is at his best, sympathetic, tender,
+altogether winning. There was lung trouble in <i>Archie's</i>
+record&mdash;<i>Martin</i> indeed had died of it (sometimes I
+wonder whether any of Mr. BENSON'S protagonists can ever be wholly
+robust), and there is a genuine thrill in the scene at the Swiss
+sanatorium, where the dead and living boys touch hands over the
+little <i>cache</i> of childish treasure buried by the former
+beneath a pine-tree in the garden. Later, when <i>Archie</i> had
+recovered from his disease and grown to suitor's estate, I could
+not but feel, despite the sardonically observed figure of
+<i>Helena</i>, the detestable girl who nearly ruins him, that the
+whole affair had become conventional, and by so much lost interest
+for its creator. Apart, however, from the bogie chapters of
+Possession (which I shall not further indicate) the most moving
+scenes in this latter part are those between <i>Archie</i> and his
+father. I have seldom known a horrible situation handled with more
+delicate art; it is for this, rather than for its slightly
+unconvincing devilments, that I would give the book an honourable
+place in the ranks of Bensonian romance.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I quite agree with Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, whose <i>Mr. Sterling
+Sticks it Out</i> (HEADLEY) is a generous attempt to put into the
+form of a story the case of the conscientious objector of the
+finest type, that, when we are able to think about this matter
+calmly, we shall have considerable misgivings at least about
+details in our treatment of this difficult problem. I also agree
+that the officials of the Press Bureau don't come at all well out
+of the correspondence which he prints in his preface, and, further,
+that the Government ought to have had the courage to alter the law
+allowing absolute exemption rather than stretch it beyond the
+breaking point. But I emphatically dispute his assumption that the
+matter was a simple one. It was not the saintly, single-minded and
+sweet-natured C.O.'s of <i>Christopher Sterling's</i> type that
+made the chief difficulty. There were few of this literal
+interpretation and heroic texture. The real difficulty was created
+by men of a very different character and in much greater numbers,
+sincere in varying degrees, but deliberately, passionately and
+unscrupulously obstructive, bent on baulking the national will and
+making anything like reasonable treatment of them impossible. It
+would require saints, not men, to deal without occasional lapses
+from strict equity with such infuriating folk. Mr. BEGBIE'S book is
+unfair in its emphasis, but it is not <span class=
+"pagenum"><a name="page432" id="page432"></a>[pg 432]</span>
+fanatical or subversive, and I can see no decent reason why it
+should have been banned. I certainly commend it to the
+majority-minded as a wholesome corrective.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>That the reviewer should finish his study of the assembled
+biographies of twenty-four fallen heroes of this War with a feeling
+of disappointment and some annoyance argues a fault in the
+biographer or in the reviewer. I invite the reader to be the judge
+between us, for <i>The New Elizabethans</i> (LANE) must certainly
+be read, if only to understand clearly that there is no fault in
+the heroes, at any rate. Mr. E.B. OSBORN describes them as "these
+golden lads ... who first conquered their easier selves and
+secondly led the ancestral generations into a joyous captivity"
+(whatever that may mean), and maintains, against the father of one
+of them apparently, that he is apt in the title he has given to
+them and to their countless peers. I agree with the father and
+think they deserve a new name of their own; such men as the
+GRENFELL brothers, HUGH and JOHN CHARLTON and DONALD HANKEY did
+more than maintain a tradition. There is about DIXON SCOTT, "the
+Joyous Critic," something, I think, which will be recognised as
+marking a production and a surprise of our own generation&mdash;the
+"ink-slinger" who, when it came to the point, was found equally
+reckless and brave in slinging more dangerous matter. Again, I feel
+that there is needed a clearer motive than is apparent to warrant
+"a selection of the lives of young men who have fallen in the great
+war." Selections in this instance are more odious than comparisons;
+there should be one book for one hero. Thirdly, I disapprove the
+dedication to the Americans; and, lastly, I found in the author's
+prose a certain affectation that is unworthy of the subject-matter.
+An instance is the reference to HARRY BUTTERS' "joyous" quotation
+of the quatrain:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Every day that passes</p>
+<p class="i2">Filling out the year</p>
+<p>Leaves the wicked Kaiser</p>
+<p class="i2">Harder up for beer.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>I like the quatrain, of course; who, knowing the
+"Incorrigibles," doesn't? But I did not like that reiterated word
+"joyous."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I should certainly have supposed that recent history had
+discounted popular interest in the monarchies of make-believe; in
+other words, that when real sovereigns have been behaving in so
+sensational a manner one might expect a slump in counterfeits. But
+it appears that Mr. H.B. MARRIOTT WATSON is by no means of this
+opinion. His latest story, <i>The Pester Finger</i> (SKEFFINGTON),
+shows him as Ruritanian as ever. As usual we find that distressful
+country, here called <i>Varavia</i>, in the throes of dynastic
+upheaval, which centres, in a manner also not without precedent, in
+the figure of a young and beautiful Princess. This lady, the last
+of her race, had been adopted as ward&mdash;on, I thought,
+insufficient introduction&mdash;by the hero, <i>Sir Francis
+Vyse</i>. The situation was further complicated by the fact that in
+his youth he had been the officer of the guard who ought to have
+prevented the murder of <i>Sonia's</i> august parents, and didn't.
+Quite early I gave up counting how many times <i>Sir Francis</i>
+and his fair ward were set upon, submerged, imprisoned and
+generally knocked about. You never saw so convulsed a courtship;
+for I will no longer conceal the fact that, when he was not more
+strenuously engaged, he soon began to regard <i>Sonia</i> with a
+softening eye. And as <i>Sonia</i> herself was growing up to
+womanhood, or, in Mr. WATSON'S elegant phrase, "muliebrity claimed
+her definitely"&mdash;well, he is an enviable reader for whom the
+last page will hold any considerable surprise.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"ETIENNE," in an introductory note to <i>A Naval Lieutenant,
+1914-1918</i> (METHUEN), gives an excellent reason for wishing to
+record his impressions of the "sea affair." He was in <i>H.M.S.
+Southampton</i> during the earlier part of the War, and "on all the
+four principal occasions when considerable German forces were
+encountered in the North Sea, her guns were in action." Very
+naturally he desired to do honour to this gallant light cruiser,
+and I admire prodigiously the modest way in which he has done it.
+"ETIENNE" is not a stylist; a professor of syntax might conceivably
+be distressed by his confusion of prepositions; but apart from this
+detail all is plain sailing&mdash;and fighting. I have read no more
+thrilling account of the Battle of Jutland than is to be found
+here. The author does it so well because he tells his story with
+great simplicity and without what I believe he would call
+"windiness." Best of all, he has a nice sense of humour, and would
+even, I believe, have discovered the funny side of Scapa, if there
+had been one. "ETIENNE," whose short stories of naval life were
+amusing, makes a distinct advance in this new work.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SONGS OF INNOCENCE.</h3>
+<p class="center">GOLF IN SPRINGTIME.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Merry little baa-lambs sporting on the grass,</p>
+<p>Playing ring-a-roses, dancing as you pass,</p>
+<p class="i10">Crying,</p>
+<p>"Jones has topped his brassie shot! What a way to play!</p>
+<p>Now then, all together, boys&mdash;Me-e-eh!"</p>
+<p>Pretty little woollies, white as driven snow,</p>
+<p>Following your mothers, skipping as you go,</p>
+<p class="i10">Crying,</p>
+<p>"Jones is in the bunker! What a lot he has to say!</p>
+<p>Give it all together, boys&mdash;Me-e-e-eh!"</p>
+<p>Harbingers of Springtime! innocently fair,</p>
+<p>Frisking on the greensward, leaping in the air,</p>
+<p class="i10">Crying,</p>
+<p>"Jones is in the whins again! He's off his drive to-day;</p>
+<p>Once more let him have it, boys&mdash;Me-e-e-e-eh!"</p>
+<p>Silly little baa-lambs! If you only knew,</p>
+<p>One day you'll be fatter and I'll have the laugh on you,</p>
+<p class="i10">Crying,</p>
+<p>"Every time I foozled they bleated with delight.</p>
+<p>Now they're lamb-and-mint-sauce. Serves the beggars right!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="center">ALGOL.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/432.png"><img width="100%" src="images/432.png" alt=
+"BORROWED THUNDER." /></a>
+<h3>BORROWED THUNDER.</h3>
+<p>"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HANGING ON BEHIND ME LIKE THAT?"</p>
+<p>"I'VE BROKEN MY HORN, OLD TOFF, AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD TOOT FOR
+TWO."</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, May 28, 1919., by Various
+
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@@ -0,0 +1,2224 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+May 28, 1919., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, May 28, 1919.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: May 1, 2004 [EBook #12232]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+May 28, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO".
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+TO-DAY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+It was the pig, says an eminent Danish economist, that lost Germany
+the War. His omission to specify which pig seems almost certain to
+provoke further recriminations among the German High Command.
+
+       ***
+
+After all, the War _may_ have wakened a new spirit in the nation. Up
+to the time of writing no one has attempted to corner mint-sauce.
+
+       ***
+
+A movement, we hear, is on foot to give a public welcome to the
+cheeses on their return to our midst. It is thought that a march-past
+could easily be arranged.
+
+       ***
+
+Hackney will supply electricity to consumers at a special rate during
+the Peace celebrations. The present price of one-and-sixpence per
+kilowatt-and-soda practically inhibits anything like deep-seated
+festivity.
+
+       ***
+
+A Miners' Association in the North has decided not to establish a
+weekly newspaper. Pending other arrangements they will do a little
+light mining, but it must not be taken as a precedent.
+
+       ***
+
+At a meeting of Hassocks allotment-holders a speaker stated that he
+had seen rabbits jump a fence five feet high. Experts declare that
+this is at least three feet over proof.
+
+       ***
+
+As the outcome of suggestions by the Economy Committee at Eton Dr.
+ALINGTON has made certain restrictions in regard to various articles
+of dress, notably socks and mufflers. Henceforward only such socks as
+do not require muffling will be worn.
+
+       ***
+
+The cow that walked into the lending library at Walton Heath has
+since explained that it merely wanted to look up "Manchuria" in the
+encyclopaedia.
+
+       ***
+
+It is said that the question of neutrality has caused most of the
+delay in the formation of the League of Nations. We certainly realise
+the difficulty in deciding how Norway and Switzerland could come to
+grips, in the event of a War between these two countries, without
+infringing the laws of neutrality.
+
+       ***
+
+"No harm to the moon will result from the eclipse of the sun on May
+28th," states a writer in an evening paper. This is good news for
+those who have mining shares there.
+
+       ***
+
+There is a falling off in the tanning of kids in India, says _The
+Shoe and Leather Trades Record_. Smith minor talks of migrating to the
+Orient.
+
+       ***
+
+Government ale, says a trade paper, will shortly be on sale in some
+parts of Ireland. This certainly ought to be a lesson to them.
+
+       ***
+
+Two Parisians who had previously arranged to fight a duel have refused
+to meet. It is supposed that they have quarrelled.
+
+       ***
+
+As we go to press we are informed on good authority that the cat that
+developed rabies last week has now been successfully killed eight
+times, and it is expected that its final execution will have taken
+place by the time this appears in print.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that the Tredegar Fire Brigade strike is settled.
+Patrons are asked to bear with the Brigade, who have promised to work
+off arrears of fires in strict rotation.
+
+       ***
+
+A Surrey Church magazine appeals for funds to renovate the church
+exits. For ourselves, if we were a parson, we shouldn't worry about
+getting people out of church so long as we got them in.
+
+       ***
+
+A Scottish Chamber of Commerce has passed a resolution in favour of
+smaller One Pound Treasury Notes. If at the same time they could be
+made a bit cheaper the movement would be a popular one.
+
+       ***
+
+A taxi-driver who knocked down a pedestrian in Edgware Road and
+then drove off has been summoned. His defence is that he mistook the
+unfortunate man for an intending fare.
+
+       ***
+
+The Northumberland Miners' Council has passed a resolution calling
+on the Government to evacuate our troops from Russia, drop the
+Conscription Bill, remove the blockade and release conscientious
+objectors. Their silence on the subject of Dalmatia is being much
+commented on.
+
+       ***
+
+A report reaches us that Jazz is about to be made a notifiable
+disease.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPRING IDYLL.
+
+If wound stripes were given to soldiers on becoming casualties to
+Cupid's archery barrage, Ronnie Morgan's sleeve would be stiff with
+gilt embroidery. The spring offensive claimed him as an early victim.
+When be became an extensive purchaser of drab segments of fossilized
+soap, bottles of sticky brilliantine with a chemical odour, and
+postcards worked with polychromatic silk, the billet began to make
+inquiries.
+
+"It's that little mam'zelle at the shop in the Rue de la Republique,"
+reported Jim Brown. "He spends all his pay and as much as he can
+borrow of mine to get excuses for speaking to her."
+
+There was a period of regular visits and intense literary activity on
+the part of Ronnie, followed by the sudden disappearance of Mam'zelle
+and an endeavour by the disconsolate swain to liquidate his debts in
+kind.
+
+"I owe you seven francs, Jim," said he. "If you give me another
+three francs and I give you two bottles of brilliantine and a cake of
+vanilla-flavoured soap we'll be straight."
+
+"Not me!" said Jim firmly. "I've no wish to be a scented fly-paper.
+Have you frightened her away?"
+
+"She's been _swept_ away on a flood of my eloquence," said Ronnie
+sadly. "But in the wrong direction; and after I'd bought enough
+pomatum from her to grease the keel of a battleship, and enough soap
+to wash it all off again. Good soap it is too, me lad; lathers well if
+you soak it in hot water overnight."
+
+"How did you come to lose her?" asked Jim, steering the conversation
+out of commercial channels.
+
+"The loss is hers," said Ronnie; "I wore holes in my tunic leaning
+over the counter talking to her, and I made about as much progress as
+a Peace Conference. I got soap instead of sympathy and scent instead
+of sentiment. However, she must have got used to me, because one day
+she asked if I would translate an English letter she'd received into
+French.
+
+"'Now's your chance to make good,' I thought, language being my
+strong suit; but I felt sick when I found it was a love-letter from
+a presumptuous blighter at Calais, who signed himself 'Your devoted
+Horace.' Still, to make another opportunity of talking to her, I
+offered to write it out in French. She sold me a block of letter-paper
+for the purpose, and I went home and wrote a lifelike translation.
+
+"She gave me a dazzling smile and warm welcome when I took it in, but
+on the balance I didn't feel that I'd done myself much good. And next
+day I'm dashed if she didn't give me another letter to translate, this
+time signed 'Your loving Herbert.' Herbert, I discovered, was a sapper
+who'd been transferred to Boulogne and, judging by his hand, was
+better with a shovel than a pen. As an amateur in style I couldn't
+translate his drivel word for word. Like _Cyrano_, the artist in
+me rose supreme, and I manicured and curled his letter, painted and
+embroidered it, and nearly finished by signing 'Ronnie' instead of
+'Herbert.'
+
+"She was quite surprised when she read the translation.
+
+"_'C'est gentil, n'est-ce-pas_?' said she, kissing it and stuffing it
+away in her belt. 'I did not think,' she went on in French, 'that the
+dear stupid 'Erbert had so much eloquence.' I saw my error. I had made
+a probable of a horse that hadn't previously got an earthly. So, to
+adjust things, I refrigerated the next letter--which happened to be
+from 'Orace--to the temperature of codfish on an ice block. And the
+consequence was that Georgette sulked and would scarcely speak to me
+for three whole days.
+
+"The situation, coldly reviewed, appeared to be like this. When 'Orace
+or 'Erbert pleased her I got a share of the sunshine, but when their
+love-making cooled her displeasure was visited on poor Ronnie. Any
+advances on my own part were countered with sales of soap, customers
+apparently being rarer than lovers. So I had to bide my time.
+
+"But one day letters from 'Orace and 'Erbert arrived simultaneously,
+and were duly handed to the fourth party for necessary action. It
+occurred to me that when the time came for me to enter the race on
+my own behalf I need have little fear of 'Erbert as a rival, so I
+determined to cut 'Orace out of the running.
+
+"I translated his letter first. I censored the tender parts, spun out
+the padding and served it up like cold-hash. Then I set to work on
+'Erbert. I got the tremolo stop out and the soft pedal on and made a
+symphony of it. I made it a stream of trickling melody--blue skies,
+yellow sunshine and scent of roses, with Georgette perched like a
+sugar goddess on a silver cloud and 'Erbert trying to clamber up to
+her on a silk ladder. To read it would have made a Frenchman proud of
+his own language. Then, for dramatic effect, I took the letters, put
+them on the counter and walked out without a word. 'That,' thought I,
+'will do 'Orace's business--and then for 'Erbert!'
+
+"Next day, when I went to see the result, to my surprise I found
+that her place behind the counter was taken by that little red-haired
+Celestine.
+
+"'Where's Georgette?' said I.
+
+"'Ah, M'sieur, she has gone,' said Celestine. 'Figure to yourself,
+this 'Orace, who used to write with ardour and spirit, sent her
+yesterday a poor pitiful note. It made one's heart bleed to read
+it, such halting appeal, such inarticulate sentiment. _"Le pauvre
+garcon!"_ cried Georgette, "his passion is so strong he cannot find
+words for it. He is stricken dumb with excess of feeling. I must be at
+his side to comfort him." And she has flown like the wind to Calais,
+that she may be affianced to him. But if M'sieur desires to buy the
+soap I know the kind you prefer.'
+
+"So you see me," concluded Ronnie plaintively, "bankrupt in love and
+money. Three francs, Jim, and I'll chuck in a packet of post-cards."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF SIMLA.
+
+I.--THE BUREAUCRAT.
+
+  Along a narrow mountain track
+    Stalking supreme, alone,
+  Head upwards, hands behind his back,
+    He swings his sixteen stone.
+
+  Quit of the tinsel and the glare
+    That lit his forbears' lives,
+  His tweed-clad shoulders amply bear
+    The burden that was CLIVE'S.
+
+  A man of few and simple needs
+    He smokes a briar--and yet
+  His rugged signature precedes
+    The half an alphabet.
+
+  Across these green Elysian slopes
+    The Secretariat gleams,
+  The playground of his youthful hopes,
+    The workshop of his schemes.
+
+  He sees the misty depths below,
+    Where plain and foothills, meet,
+  And smiles a wistful smile to know
+    The world is at his feet;
+
+  To know that England calls him back;
+    To know that glory's path
+  Is leading to a _cul de sac_
+    In Cheltenham or Bath;
+
+  To know that all he helped to found,
+    The India of his prayers,
+  Has now become the tilting ground
+    Of MILL-bred doctrinaires.
+
+  But his the inalienable years
+    Of faith that stirred the blood,
+  Of zeal that won through toil and tears,
+    And after him--the flood.
+
+  J.M.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    OUR FEMININE ATHLETES.
+
+    "Wanted, Young Lady, vaults bar.--Apply personally, Mrs.
+    -----, Oddfellows' Arms."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT RENUNCIATION.
+
+PRESIDENT WILSON. "NO! I DON'T THINK IT QUITE SUITS MY AUSTERE TYPE OF
+BEAUTY."
+
+[It is reported that the United States of America have declined to
+accept a mandate for Constantinople.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS
+ITS WAY TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN.
+
+_Char_. "NAH, THEN! I WON'T 'AVE THEM NASTY THINGS IN 'ERE. I CAN'T
+ABIDE 'EM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
+
+PEACE AND OTHER COMPLICATIONS.
+
+_Park Lane_.
+
+DEAREST DAPHNE,--Already everyone's got peace-strain and what state
+we shall all be in by the time it's actually signed I haven't the
+dimmest. People have their own ideas of how they mean to celebrate it,
+and when they find that other people have the same ideas and mean to
+do the same things at the same time there are alarums and excursions,
+and things are said, and quite several people who were dear friends
+during the War don't speak now owing to the peace!
+
+_Par exemple_, marches and processions being so much in the air,
+I'd planned a lovely Procession of Knitters; two enormous gilt
+knitting-needles to be carried by the leaders and a banner with "We
+Knitted our Way to Victory!" and myself on a triumphal car dressed in
+white silk-knitting. And then, just as everything was being arranged
+at our "Knitters' Peace Procession" committee meetings, I found that
+Beryl Clarges had _stolen my idea_ and was arranging a "Crochet Peace
+Procession," with an immense gilt crochet-hook to be carried in front,
+and a banner with some nonsense about crochet on it, and herself on a
+triumphal car dressed in crochet!
+
+I said exactly what I thought before I left off speaking to her.
+
+Then, again, everyone wants to give a dance on peace night. I'd
+settled to give a big affair with some perfectly new departures, and
+all the nicest people I wanted have said, "Sorry, dearest, but I'm
+giving one myself that night." I've no patience with the silliness and
+selfishness of everybody.
+
+Talking of dances, one's getting a bit _degoutee_ of Jazz bands and
+steps. When _ces autres_ get hold of anything it always begins to
+leave off being amusing. There's really a new step, however, the Peace
+Leap, that hasn't yet been quite _use_ and spoilt by the outlying
+tribes. The origin of it was a little funny. Chippy Havilland was
+at one of Kickshaw's Jazz dinners one night, where people fly out of
+their seats to one-step and two-step between the courses and during
+the courses and all the time. Well, while Chippy was eating his fish
+the band struck up that catchy Jazz-stagger, "She's corns on her
+toes," and Chippy, his mouth full of fish, jumped up and began to
+dance. _Of course_ several fish-bones flew down his throat, and while
+he was choking he did such fearful and wonderful things that the whole
+room, not dreaming the poor dear was at his _dernier soupir_, broke
+out clapping and shouting and then imitated him, and by the time
+Chippy felt better he found himself famous and everybody doing the
+Peace Leap, which has completely cut out the Jazz-stagger, the Wolf's
+Prowl and everything else.
+
+Oh, my dearest, who _do_ you think are among the crowd of married
+people who're going to celebrate peace by dissolving partnership? The
+Algy Mallowdenes! Our prize couple! The _flitchiest_ of Dunmow Flitch
+pairs! The _turtlest_ of turtle--doves! Whenever people spoke of
+marriage as played out other people always weighed in with, "Well, but
+look at the Algy Mallowdenes."
+
+They married on war-bread and Government cheese and kisses
+(unrationed). Seriously, though, _m'amie_, I believe they'd
+scarcely anything beyond his two thousand pounds a year as Permanent
+Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary at the No-Use-Coming-Here
+Office. Certainly an "official residence" and a staff of servants were
+allowed 'em, but when poor Lallie asked to have a ball-room built, and
+Algy said he simply _must_ have a billiard-room and smoke-room added,
+one of those fearful red-flag creatures got up in the House just
+as the money was going to be voted and made such an uproar that the
+matter was dropped.
+
+And then, having heaps of spare time at the No-Use-Coming-Here Office,
+Algy began to write novels and found himself at once. You've read some
+of them, of course? Life with a big L, my dear. Every kind of world
+while you wait, the upper, the under, and the half. Lallie was
+very glad of the money that came rolling in, but I believe she said
+wistfully, "How does my gentle quiet Algy know so much about
+this, that and the other?" And her gentle quiet Algy made answer:
+"Intuition, dear; imagination; the novelist's temperament."
+
+By-and-by, however, she began to hear of his being seen at the Umpty
+Club and Gaston's, chatting with Pearl Preston (one of those people,
+you know, Daphne, who're immensely talked about but never mentioned).
+And then a "certain liveliness" set in at the official residence of
+the Permanent Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary.
+
+"You silly little goosey!" said Algy; "don't you see that it's not as
+a man who admires her but as a novelist who's studying her that I
+talk to Pearl Preston? She's my next heroine. A heroine like that is a
+_sine qua non_ in a novel of the Modernist school."
+
+But Lallie _couldn't_ see the dif between a man and a novelist, and
+Algy _couldn't_ write his best seller without studying its heroine,
+and so--and so--at last our poor prize couple are in that long list
+that an overworked judge complained of the other day. And if you ask
+for the moral I suppose it's "Don't try to study character where there
+isn't any."
+
+This is emphatically a season for _arms_, my Daphne, which seems quite
+a good little idea for peace-time! Faces and figures don't count; it's
+the arm, the whole arm and nothing but the arm! There are all sorts
+of stunts for attracting attention to round white arms, and if one has
+the other kind one had better go and do a rest-cure. Your Blanche is
+beyond criticism in that respect, as you know, and the other night at
+the opera I'd a _succes fou_ with a big black-enamel beetle, held in
+place by an invisible platinum chain, crawling on my upper arm.
+
+Lady Manoeuvrer is simply _ravie de joie_ at the rage for arms, for
+her Daffodil, who's been a great worry to her (she's the only clever
+one, you know, all the others being pretty), has the best arms of the
+whole bunch. She's taken Madame Fallalerie's course, "The Fascination
+of the Arms," and is made to flourish hers about from morn to
+night, poor child, till she sometimes does a small weep from sheer
+exhaustion. The other day at Kempford Races, in a no-sleeved coatee
+with a black sticking-plaster racehorse in full gallop on her upper
+arm, she attracted plenty of attention and had two offers, I hear.
+Arms and the man, again!
+
+_A propos_, Lady Manoeuvrer told me yesterday she'd sent a
+thank-offering to one of the hospitals. "But how sweet of you!" I
+said. "For the restoration of Peace, I suppose?" "No, dearest," she
+whispered; "for the restoration of the London Season!"
+
+Ever thine, BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tube Habitue (homeward bound)._ "TWO STRAPS,
+'AMMERSMITH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LETTS TAKE RIGA."
+
+    _Daily Mail._
+
+Yes, and let's keep it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Manager (introducing music-hall turn)._ "LADIES
+AND GENTLEMEN, KHAGOOLA WILL NOW PROCEED TO GIVE HIS ASTOUNDING
+CLAIRVOYANT, MEMORY AND SECOND SIGHT ACT, AND WILL ANSWER ANY QUESTION
+THAT ANY MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE MAY PUT TO HIM."
+
+_Voice from Gallery_. "TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO LET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MURMAN AMENITIES.
+
+This was to have been an essay from an igloo, describing the
+awful privations of the writer and the primitive savagery of his
+surroundings on the Murman coast. It was to have wrung the sympathetic
+heart of the public and at the same time to have enthralled the
+student of barbaric life with its wealth of exotic detail. While
+embodying all the best-known newspaper _cliches_ appropriated to these
+latitudes it was to have included others specially and laboriously
+prepared after a fascinating study of Arctic literature.
+
+But circumstances have blighted its early inspiration, and the article
+it was to have been will never be written, the telling word-pictures
+designed on board the transport never executed.
+
+Figure the disgust of five adventurers who, landing at the Murman
+base, sternly braced to encounter the last extremity of peril and of
+hardship, to sleep in the snow and dig one another out o' mornings,
+to give the weakest of their number the warmest icicle to suck, the
+longest candle to chew--found themselves billeted in a room which the
+landladies of home would delight to advertise! Its walls were hung
+with such pictures as give cheap lodgings half their horror; it was
+encumbered with countless frail chairs and "kiggly" tables, and upon
+every flat surface had settled a swarm of albums, framed photographs,
+china dogs, wax flowers, penholder-stands, and all the choicest
+by-products of civilization struggling towards culture. As we were not
+to be frozen by exposure or immediately attacked by Bolshies, we might
+reasonably have expected to be asphyxiated by the Russian stove; but
+even this consolation was denied us, since Madame, convinced that
+the English are mad in their love of fresh air, consented to leave it
+unlit.
+
+When first we arrived, five large soldiers with five large kits, the
+aspect of the room filled us with terror. The fiercest frost or foe we
+could have faced, but the bravest man may quail before wax-flowers and
+fragile tables top-heavy with ornaments and knick-knacks, and all felt
+that to encounter such things within the Arctic Circle was an unfair
+test of our fortitude. Why had not the War Office or some newspaper
+correspondent warned us?
+
+Madame, however, proved to have a sense of proportion or humour; or
+perhaps the collection was not her own. In any case she showed no
+reluctance to displace family photographs or china dogs, and rapidly
+had the room cleared for action; so that now, when we roll about the
+floor in friendly struggle, it is only someone's toilet tackle that
+crashes with its spidery table, instead of cherished artificial fauna
+and flora.
+
+Thanks to our serviceable and becoming Arctic kit and the steady
+approach of the Spring thaw, heralded by the preparation of spare
+bridges to replace the existing ones, we can defy the eccentricities
+of the climate. Even the language begins to reveal what might be
+termed hand-holds; though possibly, when the natives echo our words
+of greeting, painfully acquired from textbooks on Russian, they are
+simply imitating the sounds we make under the impression that they are
+learning a little English.
+
+More difficult problems arise, however, regarding questions of
+military etiquette. Not King's Regulations, nor Military Law, nor
+any handbook devotes even a sub-paragraph to light and leading upon
+certain points which we have here to consider every day. For example,
+if a subaltern glissading on ski down the village street, maintaining
+his precarious balance by the aid of a "stick" in each hand, meets
+a General, also on ski and also a novice, what should happen? What
+_does_ happen we know by demonstration: the subaltern brandishes both
+sticks round his head, slides forward five yards, smartly crosses the
+points of his ski and then, plunging forward, buries his head in the
+wayside drift, while the General Officer sits down and says what he
+thinks. But we do not know if these gestures of natural courtesy are
+such as our mentors would approve. No authority has set up for us any
+ideal in such matters. From official rules of deportment the British
+soldier knows how to salute when on foot or mounted on bicycle, horse,
+mule, camel, elephant, motor-lorry or yak, but no provision has been
+made for the case of an army scooting on ski. So here we are at large
+in the Arctic Circle, coping with new conditions by the light of
+nature, and paying such perilous "compliments" to senior officers as
+our innate courtesy and sense, of balance suggest and permit.
+
+Further, consider the question of dress. Even the gunners, who in the
+late war used to wear riding-breeches of their favourite colour, no
+matter what it was, the kind of footgear they most fancied, and any
+old variety of hat they thought becoming, are shocked by the fantastic
+kit that is countenanced in this latitude. It must be borne in mind
+that most of us are old campaigners and old nomads whose tailors have
+grown accustomed to build us appropriate gear for various climes.
+Fashions for fighting in France, in Egypt, in Mesopotamia, have gained
+a hold upon our affections, to say nothing of those designs for civil
+breadwinning or moss-dodging in Central Africa, Bond Street, Kirkcaldy
+or Dawson City. The consequence is that here, pretty well out of
+A.P.M. range, sartorial individualism flourishes unchecked. Thus
+the eye is startled to behold a fur headdress as big as a busby, an
+ordinary service tunic, gaberdine breeches, shooting stockings and
+Shackleton boots, going about as component parts of one officer's
+make-up; or snow-goggles worn with flannel trousers, or sharp-toothed
+Boreas defied by a bare head and a chamois-leather jerkin; or the
+choice flowers of Savile Row associated with Canadian moccasins.
+
+What idea will the North Russians retain of the outward appearance of
+the typical British officer? How will the little Lapps, befurred and
+smiling, who come sliding to market behind the trotting reindeer,
+report of us to the smaller Lapps at home? In any case I hope we shall
+found a legend of a well-meaning if peculiar and patchwork people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES IN EARLY TIMES.
+
+_British Matron (whose husband has just had his weekly coat of woad,
+to visitor)._
+
+"I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT MY HUSBAND CAN'T SEE YOU TILL HE'S DRY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Gas Stoker wanted for 11 million works, used to gas
+    engine and exhauster; 50_s_. per week of seven 12-hour
+    shifts."--_Advt. in Daily Paper_.
+
+In the circumstances the reference to "exhauster" seems superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW AIDS TO THE ANGRY.
+
+The readers of the Personal Column of _The Times_ were lately
+refreshed by the following entry:--
+
+    "Would the person in the green Tyrolese hat note that though
+    it may be a custom on his own course to pocket golf-balls on
+    the fairway, it is not done elsewhere."
+
+For long the Personal Column has been a vehicle for appeal and regret,
+for affection and grief, in addition to its other manifold uses; but
+as an instrument of admonishment it is fresh. The tragic thing is that
+up to the time of going to press the green Tyrolese hat has made no
+reply. Either it does not read _The Times_ or it has been rendered
+speechless. We were longing for some first-class recriminations.
+
+The new fashion is sure to spread. For example, any morning we are
+liable to find this:--
+
+    Would the lady (?) in the purple toque note that, though it
+    may be the thing in her home to disregard the feelings of
+    others, the abstraction of someone else's chair at a White
+    Sale at Blankridge's is not the thing.
+
+And again:--
+
+    The female with a red parasol, who thought it her duty to
+    struggle like a wild-cat for a place on a No. 11 bus, opposite
+    the Stores, on Friday afternoon last at a quarter to three,
+    may be interested in learning that the service is not run
+    solely for her.
+
+And a more intimate note still may be struck. Something like this may
+be looked for:--
+
+    Will Lydia Lopokova take pity on an unhappy and neglected
+    wife, whose husband has stated that he would resume dining at
+    home only on condition that the table was laid as it is laid
+    in _The Good-Humoured Ladies_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEFORE.
+
+  Before I was a little girl I was a little bird,
+  I could not laugh, I could not dance, I could not speak a word;
+  But all about the woods I went and up into the sky--
+  And isn't it a pity I've forgotten how to fly?
+
+  I often came to visit you. I used to sit and sing
+  Upon our purple lilac bush that smells so sweet in Spring;
+  But when you thanked me for my song of course you never knew
+  I soon should be a little girl and come to live with you.
+
+  R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    MORE DILLYDALLYING.
+
+    "Arbitration is to be adopted first in disputes
+    between members of the League, then meditation by the
+    Council."--_Liverpool Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TREACHEROUS SON.
+
+I certainly hoped when I took up my quarters in this quiet village
+that there would be no jarring note to disturb the idyllic peace of
+my surroundings. And yet I had not been long in this pleasant
+sitting-room, with its outlook on blossom-laden fruit-trees,
+creamy-spired chestnuts and wooded down, before I became aware that a
+pitiful and rather sordid little domestic drama was in progress within
+fifty yards from my open windows. I discovered a son in the act of
+encouraging his aged and apparently imbecile parent to gamble with
+a professional swindler! Not that I have actually seen them thus
+engaged. As a matter of fact I have merely heard a few short
+remarks--and those were all spoken by the son. But, as everyone knows,
+even a single sentence accidentally overheard by an observant stranger
+may give him a clearer insight into the unknown, and possibly unseen,
+speaker's character than could be gained from countless chapters of a
+modern analytical novel.
+
+So these four sentences were quite enough for _me_. Perhaps I should
+mention here that the three personages in this drama are birds--which
+makes it all the more painful.
+
+Like many of our British birds, the sole speaker occasionally drops
+into English, or I should never have understood what was going on.
+He may be a blackbird or thrush, but I doubt it, because I know all
+_their_ remarks, while his are new to me. If A.A.M. heard them he
+would probably tell me they were those of a "Blackman's Warbler," and
+I should have believed him--once. Hardly now, after he has so airily
+exposed his title as an authority; but even as it is I should not
+dream of questioning his statement that "the egg of course is
+rather more speckled," because I can well believe that the egg this
+bird--whatever he is--came from was very badly speckled indeed.
+
+It seems that, some time ago--I can't say when exactly, but it was
+before I came down here--this unnatural son introduced to the parental
+abode (which I think is either No. 5 or No. 6 in a row of young
+chestnuts abutting on the high road) a rook of more than dubious
+reputation, whom he persuaded his unsuspecting sire to put up for
+the night. And there the rook has been ever since. As I said, I have
+neither heard nor seen him, but I'm positive he's _there_. I am unable
+to give the precise date on which he first led the conversation to the
+good old English game of "rigging the thimble"--that also was before I
+came. All I can state with certainty is that he interested his host in
+it so effectually that now the infatuated old fool is playing it all
+day long.
+
+This is evident from his son's conversation; during the pause which
+invariably precedes it I should undoubtedly hear the father-bird (if
+he would only speak up--which he doesn't) quavering, "I'm not sure,
+my boy, I'm not _sure_, but I've a notion that, _this_ time, he's left
+the pea under the _middle_ thimble--eh?"
+
+On which the young scoundrel, knowing well that it is elsewhere,
+pipes out, "There it _is_, Fa-ther, there it _is_, Fa-ther!" with
+an unctuous humility shading into impatient contempt that is simply
+indescribable, being indeed too revolting for words.
+
+Then, as the father still wavers, his son makes some observations
+which I cannot quite follow, but take to be on the fairness of the
+game as played with a sportsbird, and the certainty that the luck must
+turn sooner or later. After which he exhorts him--this time in plain
+English--to "be a bird." Whereupon the doting old parent decides that
+he _will_ be a bird and back the middle thimble, and the next moment I
+hear the son exclaim, evidently referring to the rook, "No, '_e_'s got
+it; no, '_e_'s got it. Cheer up! Cheer up!" with a perfunctory
+concern that is but a poor disguise for indecent exultation. I am not
+suggesting, by the way, that birds are in the habit of dropping their
+"h's"--but _this_ one does. There are times when he is so elated by
+his parent's defeat that he cannot repress an outburst of inarticulate
+devilry. And so the game goes on, minute after minute, hour after
+hour, every day from dawn to dusk. The amount of grains or grubs or
+whatever the stakes may be (and it is not likely that any rook would
+play for love), that that old idiot must have lost even since I have
+been here, is beyond all calculation. He has never once been allowed
+to spot the right thimble, but he _will_ go on. As to the son's motive
+in permitting it, any bird of the world would tell you that, if you
+possess a senile parent who is bound to be rooked by somebody, it
+had better be by a person with whom you can come to a previous
+arrangement.
+
+Now I come to think of it, though, I have not heard the unnatural
+offspring once since I sat down to write this. Can it have dawned at
+last upon his parent that this is one of those little games where the
+odds are a trifle too heavy in favour of the Table? Or can the son
+have sickened of his own villainy and washed his claws of his shady
+confederate? I don't know why, but I am almost beginning to hope....
+No; through the open window comes the well-known cry, "There it _is_,
+Fa-ther! There it _is_, Fa-ther! Be a bird! Be a _bird_!... No, '_e_'s
+got it! No, '_e_'s got it! Cheer up! Cheer up!" They are at it again!
+
+F.A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SHADY TENANT.
+
+    [From inquiries made by a _Daily Chronicle_ representative it
+    appears that the present demand for housing accommodation is
+    such that people no longer draw the line at ghosts.]
+
+  The problem at last is a thing of the past;
+    Doubts and fears, Geraldine, are at rest;
+  We can put up the banns and make definite plans,
+    For the love-birds will soon have a nest.
+  I've inspected, my sweet, the sequestered retreat
+    In which we are destined to dwell,
+  And on thinking things out I have not the least doubt
+    It will suit us exceedingly well.
+
+  There are drawbacks, I grant, but one nowadays can't
+    Have perfection, as you are aware,
+  And I'm sure you won't grouse when I state that the house
+    Is both damp and in need of repair.
+  I might add there's a floor that shows traces of gore;
+    I discovered the latter to be
+  That of one Lady Jane, who was brutally slain
+    By her husband in Sixteen-Two-Three.
+
+  Years have passed since the time of that dastardly crime,
+    But the victim's intangible shade
+  Can be seen to this day, so the villagers say,
+    In diaphanous garments arrayed.
+  In the gloom of the room where she met with her doom
+    She's appearing once nightly, it seems,
+  And the listener quails as lugubrious wails
+    Are succeeded by agonised screams.
+
+  But the trivial flaws I have mentioned need cause
+    No concern; I am certain that you
+  Will approve of my choice, Geraldine, and rejoice
+    In the thought that our haven's in view.
+  In the likely event of your mother's descent
+    There's the warmest of welcomes in store,
+  And a rug I'll provide for her bedroom, to hide
+    That indelible stain on the floor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony)._
+"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW ARM.
+
+_(On perceiving William in mufti again and carrying one.)_
+
+  What is this implement of warfare, Bill?
+    What seed of fire within its entrails slumbers?
+  Does it unfold at all? Run through the drill,
+    Doing it first by numbers.
+
+  Not a grenade and not a parachute?
+    Some remnant rather of the ancient folly,
+  Some touch of times before the Big Dispute?
+    I have it now! A brolly.
+
+  Yes, and it opens outwards like a tent,
+    Guarding the sacred poll from skies injurious.
+  Up with it! Let us see your tops'ls bent.
+    How splendid! And how curious!
+
+  Do it again, Bill. I am better now;
+    Only at first, perhaps, I slightly trembled.
+  Press on the little clutch and show me how
+    The parts are reassembled.
+
+  To think men poked these things into the sky,
+    Fearing to face the storm's minutest particles,
+  Through four long hectic years, whilst you and I
+    Forgot there were such articles.
+
+  It brings the old times back to one again,
+    The grim-eyed crowd that faced the morning's dolours
+  Doing their very best to drip the rain
+    Down other people's collars;
+
+  The fond, fond pair beneath a single dome;
+    The fight to ride on Hammersmiths and Chelseas;
+  The rapture when you found on reaching home
+    Your gamp was someone else's.
+
+  O symbol of routine and office hours!
+    O emblem of the soft civilian status!
+  Shall I too deign to roof me from the showers
+    With such an apparatus?
+
+  Shall I consent to grasp within my hand
+    The sign of serfdom and to get the habit
+  Of marching like a mushroom down the Strand,
+    A mushroom on a rabbit?
+
+  Never. O hateful sight! And yet--and yet
+    I'm not so sure. This month has been a dry one;
+  June will most probably be beastly wet;
+    P'r'aps, after all, I'll buy one.
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    EAST IS EAST.
+
+    "The Girl Guides are doing well.... Another guide was
+    married this month to Corporal ----. We wish them all
+    happiness."--_Diocesan Magazine (India)._
+
+Corporal ---- appears to be a specialist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There are persistent rumours of a plot to bring back the old
+    regime and put either a Hohenzollern or a representative of
+    some other Royal house on the Thorne of Germany."--_Canadian
+    Paper_.
+
+EX-KAISER (_loq_.): "No, thanks; I've had some."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "OXFORD FOR HOLIDAYS.--Most beautiful city in England. Good
+    lodgings and boating. Two golf links and fishing."--_Advt. in
+    Provincial Paper_.
+
+We seem to remember, too, some mention of an educational establishment
+in connection with the place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+   OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES.
+
+   "There have been cases, we believe, in which the height of a
+   person has increased after the person had reached mature age, but
+   it has always been suspected that this was due to greater
+   uprightness. A man who stoops always looks shorter than when he
+   is standing quite upright. But no such explanation as this can be
+   given for an apparent increase of the human head. If a head
+   really requires a larger hat it must be because the head is
+   larger."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HONOUR SATISFIED.
+
+GERMAN DELEGATE. "SIGN? I'D SOONER DIE! _(Aside)_ AFTER WHICH
+PRELIMINARY REMARKS I WILL NOW SELECT A NIB."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 19th._--The coalminers lately received concessions in
+wages and hours that are going to cost the country twenty millions
+sterling in the present financial year. The first result of this boon
+(_teste_ Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES) is that they are turning out less coal
+per man than ever, and that the unhappy consumer must look forward to
+a further reduction in his already meagre ration. It is rather hard
+upon Mr. SMILLIE, who daily dilates in the Coal Commission upon the
+hardships of the miner's life, that his clients should let him down
+like this.
+
+For a thorough-going democrat commend me to Lieutenant-Commander
+KENWORTHY, the new Member for Central Hull, whose latest idea is that
+before British troops are sent to any new front the approval of the
+House of Commons should be obtained. I suspect that if, during his
+active-service days, some Member had proposed a similar restriction
+on the movements of the Fleet the comments of the gallant Commander
+himself would have been more pithy than Parliamentary.
+
+[Illustration: LADIES IN GOVERNMENT MOTOR-CARS.
+
+_General Seely._ "WELL, HARDLY EVER."]
+
+The number of motor-cars at the disposal of the Air Ministry now
+stands at the apparently irreducible minimum of forty-two. Quite a
+number of the officials use train or bus, like ordinary folk; some
+have even been seen to walk; and there has been such a slump in
+"joy-riding" that when asked if ladies were now carried in the
+official chariots General SEELY was able to assure the House that that
+never happens; though I think he added under his breath--"well, hardly
+ever."
+
+There was barely a quorum when Colonel LESLIE WILSON rose to introduce
+the estimates of the Shipping Controller. This was a pity, for he had
+a good story to tell of the mercantile marine, and told it very well.
+He was less successful on the subject of the "national shipyards,"
+which have cost four millions of money and in two years have not
+succeeded in turning out a single completed ship. With the wisdom that
+comes after the event Sir CHARLES HENRY fulminated ferociously against
+the "superman" who had imposed this "disastrous scheme" upon the
+country.
+
+This brought up the superman himself, Sir ERIC GEDDES, who in the most
+vigorous speech he has yet delivered in the House defended the scheme
+as being absolutely essential at the time it was initiated. It was
+a war-time expedient, which changing circumstances had rendered
+unnecessary; but if the War and the U-boat campaign had gone on it
+might have been the salvation of the country. After all you can't
+expect to have shipyards without making a few slips.
+
+_Tuesday, May 20th._--The advance of woman continues. Very soon she
+will have her foot upon the first rung of the judicial ladder, and be
+able to write J.P. after her name, for the LORD CHANCELLOR, pointing
+out that in this matter the Government were bound to honour the
+pledges of the PRIME MINISTER, gracefully swallowed Lord BEAUCHAMP'S
+Bill. He took occasion, however, to warn the prospective justicesses
+(if that is the right term) that, as the Commissions of the Peace were
+already fully manned, it might be some time before any large number
+of ladies could be added to the roll of those who, in the words of the
+Prayer-book, "indifferently administer justice."
+
+[Illustration: THE LONG PULL.
+
+MR. ROBERTS RESPONDS TO HIS COUNTRY'S CALL.]
+
+Quite unintentionally, of course, Mr. BOTTOMLEY did the Government a
+real service in the Commons. Every day since his return from Paris Mr.
+BONAR LAW has been pestered with inquiries as to when, if ever, the
+House was to be allowed to discuss the Peace terms, and has evaded
+a direct answer with more or less ingenuity. This afternoon Mr.
+BOTTOMLEY, after hearing that the LEADER OF THE HOUSE had "nothing to
+add" to his previous replies, asked if he was right in supposing that,
+when the Treaty came up for ratification, the House must take it or
+leave it, and would have no power to amend it in any respect. Mr. LAW
+joyfully jumped at the chance of ending the daily catechism once for
+all. "That," he said, "exactly represents the position, and I do not
+see in what other way any Treaty could ever be arranged."
+
+In anticipation of the debate on the Finance Bill Mr. SYDNEY ARNOLD
+sought an admission from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER that the
+income-tax on small incomes was hardly worth retaining, owing to the
+cost of collection. Not at all, said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. It costs six
+hundred thousand pounds and brings in eight million. Of course, he
+added, it costs more proportionately to collect small amounts than
+large. If the whole of the income-tax could be paid by one individual
+the cost of collection would be _nil_. One imagined the CHANCELLOR
+on the eve of the Budget wishing, _a la_ NERO, that the whole of the
+British people had but one purse, into which he could dip as deeply
+and as often as he pleased.
+
+The debate on the Finance Bill was largely devoted to the proposed
+"levy on capital," which a section of the "Wee Frees," who already
+display fissiparous tendencies, have borrowed from the Labourites.
+After their amendment was framed, however, Mr. ASQUITH spoke at
+Newcastle, and ostentatiously refused to say a word about the new
+nostrum. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, anxious to avoid displeasing either
+his old leader or his new supporters, contented himself with the
+suggestion that a Commission should be set up to consider the subject.
+
+The CHANCELLOR had little difficulty in disposing of the amendment.
+He might, indeed, have contented himself with quoting the War Bond
+advertisements, which daily inform us that the patriotic investor
+"will receive the whole of his money back with a substantial premium."
+
+The Preference proposals which Mr. ACLAND had described as bred "by
+Filial Piety out of the Board of Trade" received the unexpected aid of
+Sir ALFRED MOND, who disposed of his Cobdenite prejudices as easily as
+the conjurer swallows his gloves, and unblushingly asserted that the
+tiny Preference now proposed, far from being the advance-guard of
+Protection, was in reality a very strong movement towards Free Trade.
+Comforted by this authoritative declaration Coalition Liberals helped
+the Government to defeat the amendment by 317 to 72.
+
+_Wednesday, May 21st._--The Peers being as usual rather short of work
+at this period of the Session, the LORD CHANCELLOR introduced a Bill
+"to enable the Official Solicitor for the time being to exercise
+powers and duties conferred on the person holding the office of
+Official Solicitor."
+
+The rumours that have lately appeared in the papers, to the effect
+that the FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was contemplating revolutionary
+alterations at Hampton Court--in particular that he was going to
+transform the famous pond-garden into something quite different: a
+MOND-garden, in fact--are, it seems, grossly exaggerated. All that he
+has done is to appoint a Committee of experts to advise him what, if
+any, changes are desirable.
+
+The resumed debate on the Finance Bill was enlivened by some personal
+details. By way of showing that even without a levy on capital the
+rich man bears his share of the burdens of the State, Sir EDWARD
+CARSON remarked that, when he receives a retainer, he immediately
+allows for the super-tax and enters it in his fee-book at only
+half the amount. He had had one that very morning. "Say it was five
+pounds"--and the House laughed loudly at such an absurd supposition.
+
+Then we had Lord HUGH CECIL pointing his argument that the importance
+of the proposed Preference to the Dominions was political rather than
+economical by the remark that if he was going to be married--which he
+fervently hoped would not happen to him--he would expect his mythical
+bride to value his engagement-ring less for its pecuniary than its
+sentimental value.
+
+A capital speech by Mr. STANLEY BALDWIN, one of the few men in the
+House who talks finance as if he really understood it, wound up the
+debate, and procured the Finance Bill a second reading _nem. con._
+
+_Thursday, May 22nd._--The Ministry of Health Bill came up for third
+reading in the Lords. An eleventh-hour attempt by the Government
+to provide the new Minister with an additional Under-Secretary was
+heavily defeated, Lord DOWNHAM being appropriately enough one of the
+Tellers for the Opposition.
+
+The Commons heard some good news. Mr. KENDALL'S pathetic story of an
+angling-party which, after walking five miles along a dusty road to
+its favourite hostelry, found it adorned with the now too frequent
+notice, "Closed--No Beer," brought a most sympathetic reply from Mr.
+GEORGE ROBERTS, who boldly confessed, "I am a believer in good beer
+myself," and later on announced that the Government had decided to
+increase the output from twenty million to twenty-six million standard
+barrels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Geordie (after intently watching conductor of Jazz
+band for some time)._ "AH'VE HAD ENOUGH O' THIS. YON CHAP WI' STICK'S
+ONLY CODDIN'. HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer._ "WELL, I BE MAIN GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK FROM
+THE WAR. I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT'S IN A NAME?
+
+The original answer to the question at the head of these insignificant
+remarks was (correct me if I am wrong) nothing. "A rose," said
+_Juliet_, "by any other name would smell as sweet." But of course she
+was wrong. If a rose were handed to a visitor in the garden, with the
+words, "Do see how wonderful this onion is!" such a prejudice would be
+set up as fatally to impair its fragrance. There is, in fact, much
+in a name; and therefore the attempt of a correspondent of _The Daily
+Express_ to find a generic nomenclature for domestic servants should
+be given very serious attention; the purpose being to meet "the
+objection felt by so many women servants to being either called by
+Christian or surname."
+
+As a means of placating this very sensitive class the correspondent
+writes:--
+
+"One nearly always calls a cook by the name of her calling. I
+therefore suggest that a name be adopted beginning with the first
+letter of the class. For example:--
+
+  Lady's-maid        Louise.
+  Parlourmaid        Palmer.
+  Housemaid          Hannah.
+  General            Gertrude.
+  Scullerymaid       Sarah."
+
+Here we have materials for a sweeping innovation which might, if it
+spread, not only simplify life but reinforce the language. For why
+confine such terms to domestic servants? If all parlourmaids are to be
+called "Palmer," why not, for example, call all editors "Eddy" (very
+good Eddy, or very bad Eddy, according to taste)? And all London
+County Councillors, "Elsie"?
+
+But let us look a little narrowly at the specimens given. "Palmer"
+for "parlourmaid" is good; but "Louise" does not reproduce the sound
+values of "lady's-maid." Some such word as "Lais" would be better, or
+why not "Lady-bird," which combines the desired similarity with the
+new euphemism "home-bird," invented to help transform domestic service
+to a privilege and pleasure? "Hannah" for "housemaid" is also wrong,
+although for "handmaid" it would be good. On the analogy of "Palmer,"
+why not call all housemaids "How"? or even "House"?
+
+If American Colonels can be called HOUSE, why not English housemaids?
+For generals "Jenny" would be better than "Gertrude"; and for
+scullery-maids "Scully." "Scully" is quite a good name; there is a
+distinguished psychologist named SULLY, and there was an M.P. for
+Pontefract named GULLY. No scullery-maid need be offended.
+
+It is odd how we call some persons by their profession or calling, and
+others not. We say "Doctor," but we do not address our gum-architect
+as "Dentist." We say "Carpenter," but we do not address a plumber as
+"Plumber." (Incidentally, all plumbers might be called Warner). We
+say "Gardener" and "Coachman," but we do not address an advocate as
+"Barrister." If we had a definite rule everything would be simple, but
+as we have not it is necessary to find several more names. I am not at
+all satisfied with _The Daily Express's_ test. For example, what would
+a second parlour-maid be called? If three were kept they might be
+called Palm, Palmer and Palmist. A long vista of difficulties opens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUS IN URBE.
+
+    ["Encouraged by the summer weather yesterday, a titled lady
+    took her tea with some friends on the footway at Belsize
+    Park Gardens, Hampstead. Unsympathetic passers-by,
+    however, complained of the obstruction ... and, following
+    representation to the police by the public, the _al-fresco_
+    tea-party was broken up."--_Daily News_.]
+
+In spite of the innate conservatism of the police we are pleased
+to think that the seeds of a happy unconventionality, sown by this
+courageous lady of title, have already borne fruit.
+
+On Thursday night, about ten o'clock, the attention of passers-by was
+drawn to a four-post bed, which was being trundled along the Strand
+by eight stalwart footmen. On it reposed the Duke of Sleepyacres. It
+appears that his Grace, on return from active service, found that the
+confined air of an ordinary bed-room engendered insomnia. He therefore
+conceived the idea of sleeping in the open-air and caused his bed to
+be placed in the centre of the Strand, opposite the entrance to the
+Savoy Hotel. The presence of the sleeping nobleman might have been
+unnoticed, had not Mr. SMILLIE chanced to pass the spot on his way
+from dining after a session of the Coal Commission. His eye was
+immediately caught by the ducal crest on the panels of the bed.
+Suspicious that this was a dastardly attempt on the part of a
+member of the landed classes to obtain sleeping-rights in a public
+thoroughfare, Mr. SMILLIE lodged a complaint with the police, and the
+Duke was removed to Bow Street.
+
+Some mild interest has been displayed by the public in a camp which
+has been established by three subalterns in the roadway at the corner
+of Charing Cross and Northumberland Avenue. It is a small and quite
+inconspicuous affair, consisting merely of an army pattern bell-tent,
+a camp fire and a few deck chairs. Our representative recently visited
+the occupants to ascertain the reason for their presence. After
+hastily declining an offer of a glass of E.F.C. port, smuggled over
+from France, he inquired with polite interest whether his hosts
+contemplated a lengthy stay. They replied that they did. They were
+waiting for their demobilisation gratuities. The locality, they added,
+was a quiet one, where advancing old age could be met in comfortable
+meditation. Also the offices of Messrs. Cox, Box & Co., the Regimental
+Agents, were in convenient proximity, and the latest news of the
+gratuities could be obtained with a minimum of trouble. Up to the
+present the police have not interfered with them, apparently taking
+them for workmen employed in repairing the roadway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"KISSING TIME."
+
+For an infrequent worshipper at the shrine of Musical Comedy the
+atmosphere of a first night at a new, or renascent, theatre is perhaps
+rather too heady. There are so many potent vintages set on the board;
+so many connoisseurs who will offer to tell you beforehand of the
+merits of their favourite brands.
+
+I confess, to my shame, that when an actor with whose gifts I am
+unfamiliar is received on his entrance with a storm of applause, I
+am not prejudiced, as I ought to be, in his favour. On the contrary I
+follow his performance the more judicially, and if I cannot find that
+it corresponds to his apparent reputation I am apt (wrongly again) to
+conclude that the fault lies with him and not with myself.
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW HOME.
+
+MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH AND MR. LESLIE HENSON AT THE WINTER GARDEN
+THEATRE.]
+
+But in the case of _Kissing Time_, after a rather dull First Act,
+during which I kept telling myself that I was not suffering from
+senile decay, I had to admit that the gods were in a great measure
+justified of their elect. For one thing the authors, taking a bold
+and original line (from the French), had produced a coherent plot;
+and both dialogue and lyrics were above what I understand to be
+the average in this kind. One expects, of course, a little Cockney
+licence--"pyjamas" rhymed with "Palmer's," and so on--and a certain
+amount of popular banality, as in the song, "Some Day" (rapturously
+approved); but there were excellent verses on the text, "A woman has
+no mercy on a man," and, I doubt not, much other good stuff which
+I missed because Mr. IVAN CARYLL, who conducted (and was probably
+thinking more of his own pleasant music than somebody else's words),
+did not make enough allowance for my slowness in the up-take of
+patter.
+
+Mr. LESLIE HENSON was funny, and should be funnier still when the book
+has been cut down by about an hour and space allowed him for private
+developments. Miss PHYLLIS DARE was graceful and confident. One easily
+understood her popularity; but Miss YVONNE ARNAUD, who was a little
+slow for the general pace, must, I think, be more of an acquired
+taste.
+
+Mr. TOM WALLS (very svelte in his French uniform) did sound work, and
+so did Mr. GEORGE BARRETT, a humourist by gift of nature. Mr. GEORGE
+GROSSMITH, who with Mr. LAURILLARD has made out of the old Middlesex
+a most attractive and spacious "Winter Garden," brought with him the
+traditions of the Gaiety, and had a warm personal welcome. I could
+bear him to be funnier than he was; but as I'm sure that he's clever
+enough to be anything he likes I can only assume that he wasn't really
+trying.
+
+I join everybody in wishing him good cheer in this "garden" of his,
+where, if the auguries fulfil themselves, he is not likely, even in
+the dog-days, to have to endure "the winter of our discontent."
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAND OF MY DREAMS
+
+  I know a spot where balmy air and still
+    Enfolds the placid dweller hour by hour
+    As, all unhampered in his tranquil bower,
+  He stretches idle limbs at ease until
+  The blessed peace about him calms his will
+    And hidden thoughts, expanding into flower,
+    Amaze him with their beauty, and the sour
+  Sharp voice of Care, that sounds far off and shrill,
+    Moves him to gentle mirth that men can be
+  So strangely foolish as to heed her call,
+    Regardless of their true felicity....
+  Avoid the place, ye bores. Aroint ye all!
+  Afflict not one to this dear haven fled,
+  My private earthly paradise--my BED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Quarrymen (experienced) Wanted, wages 1s. 5-1/2d. per
+    hour; constant employment for good men. No bankers need
+    apply."--_Country Paper._
+
+Why this marked discrimination against bankers? We have known several
+who were most respectable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RENAISSANCE.
+
+The unexampled rapidity with which, owing to the opportunities of
+war-time, men in all walks of life have reached the top of the tree in
+early manhood is leading on to strange but inevitable results. Unable
+to rise any higher they are already contemplating the heroic course
+of justifying their eminence by starting afresh at the bottom of the
+ladder.
+
+The crucial and classical example is, of course, furnished by our Boy
+Chancellor. It is an open secret that, with that sagacious foresight
+which has always characterised him, Lord BIRKENHEAD recognises the
+impermanency of his exalted position and is resolved when and if he
+leaves the Woolsack to resume practice as a Junior. It is further
+rumoured that some of our judges intend to follow his august example.
+The atmosphere of the Bench is not always exhilarating, and the salary
+is fixed. But a self-effacing altruism doubtless also enters into
+their motives.
+
+The impending exodus from Whitehall is another factor in the
+situation. Scores of demobilised "Ministerial angels" will soon
+be released, and are meditating fresh outlets for their benevolent
+energies. Many of them are young and some beautiful. The romance of
+commerce and of the stage will prove a potent lure. Never has the
+demand for an elegant deportment and urbane manners in our great shops
+and stores been more clamant; never has the standard been higher.
+Our ex-officials may have to stoop, but it will be to conquer. We can
+confidently look forward to the day when no shop will be without its
+DEMOSTHENES, ALCIBIADES or its CICERO. Opportunities for employment
+on the stage are likely to be multiplied by the alleged intention
+of several actor-managers to enter Parliament, while others, nobly
+anxious to satisfy the claims of youth, have expressed their resolve
+only to appear henceforth in such subsidiary parts as dead bodies and
+outside shouts.
+
+In the domain of letters some startling developments are also
+threatened on similar lines. Mr. WELLS, always remarkable for his
+refusal to commit himself to any finality in the formulation of his
+opinions, has, it is said, decided to devote his talents in future
+exclusively to the composition of educational works in words of
+one syllable, and where possible of three letters. He is also
+contemplating a revised and simplified edition of his novels,
+beginning with _Mr. Brit Sees It Thro'_. Mr. SHAW'S fresh start will
+be the greatest surprise of all. He intends to go to Eton and
+Oxford, and, as a don, to combat the tide of Socialism at our older
+Universities. Mr. BELLOC, it is reported, has re-enlisted in the
+French Artillery, and Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has accepted a commission in
+the Dutch mercantile marine.
+
+The future of Mr. ASQUITH has given rise to a good deal of speculation
+in the Press, but we are in a position to state that he does not
+intend to re-enter politics or to resume his practice at the Bar, but
+has resolved to return to his first love--journalism. Sport is the
+only department in which the ornate and orotund style of which Mr.
+ASQUITH is a master is still in vogue, and the description of classic
+events in classical diction will furnish him with a congenial opening
+for the exercise of his great literary talent.
+
+The rumour that Mr. BALFOUR, on his retirement from the post of
+Foreign Secretary, will take up the arduous duties of caddie-master at
+St. Andrew's is not yet fully confirmed. Meanwhile he is known to be
+considering the alternative offer of the secretaryship to the Handel
+Society. In this context it is interesting to hear that, according to
+a Rotterdam agency, Sir EDWARD ELGAR has just completed a series of
+pieces for the mouth-organ, dedicated to Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, which
+will, it is hoped, be shortly heard in the luncheon interval at the
+Coal Commission.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS
+ABOUT HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPORTING CHANCE.
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--Jolly glad to hear you're coming home. I beat
+    you after all, though. I suppose I was looking particularly
+    pivotal when I saw the D.O., because he let me through at
+    once.
+
+    Will you go back to the Governor's office?
+
+    Yours ever, GARRY NORTON.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Haven't the faintest; but before settling down
+    I'm going to have a week or two, either sailing or fishing, so
+    as to try to shed the army feeling, and I think you'd better
+    come with me. I've saved no end of shekels, and I'm going to
+    give old Cox a run for his money (the bit that's mine, I mean,
+    that he's been keeping for me).
+
+    If you can find a likely craft, mop her up for me, old bean,
+    and we'll have a hairy time somewhere on the S.W. coast.
+
+    Yours in haste, ALEC RIDLEY.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--I wish you'd be less vague. What sort of a boat do
+    you want--schooner, yawl, cutter or spoonbill? A half-decker,
+    or the full five quires to the ream? Give me definite
+    instructions and I'll do my best to carry them out. I'm afraid
+    I can't get off, so you'll have to take someone else, or
+    incarnadine the seas by yourself.
+
+    Yours as ever, GARRY.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Sorry to hear you can't come. Any kind of a boat
+    that will go without bouncing too high will do, and if it
+    has a rudder, a couple of starboard tacks, bath and butler's
+    pantry so much the better. I mean to wash out the memory of
+    those nine months at Basra last year with the flies. Yours,
+    ALEC.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--What you want, my lad, is a houseboat, and I doubt
+    whether you'll get one during this shortage of residential
+    property.
+
+    I should try fishing if I were you. In fact I have taken a bit
+    of water for you in Chamshire. I haven't seen it, but am told
+    it's very all right and only twenty pounds till the 10th of
+    June.
+
+    Yours ever, GARRY NORTON.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--This is a top-hole place. To have got this water
+    for so little you 're absolutely the Senior Wangler.
+
+    You might send me some mayflies, old dear; about half a pint I
+    shall want, judging from the infernal number of bushes on the
+    river banks here. Mr. MILLS's bombs have put me right off my
+    cast and I can't do the old Shimmy shake either somehow. I can
+    hear the click of croquet balls in the Vicarage garden as I
+    write, so the hooping season has begun.
+
+    There's one other chap staying in the pub. Talks and dresses
+    like a War profiteer. Seems to be doing nothing but loafing
+    about at present.
+
+    Yours ever, ALEC.
+
+
+    _Postcard_.
+
+    Have ordered the mayflies and will send them soon as poss. G.
+    N.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for yours. Not so anxious about mayflies
+    now, but should be glad if you would send me a pound or two of
+    the best chocolates. Having good sport.
+
+    In haste for post,
+
+    Yours, ALEC.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--I enclose a couple of pounds of extra special
+    chocolates, but didn't know they were included in the Angler's
+    Pharmacopoeia.
+
+    Glad you are having good sport and justifying my choice of
+    water.
+
+    Yours as usual, GARRY.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for chocs. The Vicar called the other day,
+    and I have caught several cups of tea on the recoil at the
+    Vicarage since. Miss Stevenson, his ewe-lamb, is A1, and
+    we have had some splendid sport together. We caught eleven
+    beauties yesterday; one was over 19-1/2 inches.
+
+    Post just going out.
+
+    Yours in haste, ALEC.
+
+    P.S.--Another couple of pounds of chocs would be useful.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,---Awfully glad to hear the fishing is so good. I
+    shall expect a brace of good long trout for breakfast one of
+    these days.
+
+    Yours, GARRY.
+
+
+    DEAR GARRY,--Who said anything about fish? I sub-let the water
+    (at a profit) to the War-profiteer three days after arriving.
+
+    Miss Stevenson, with a brace of bouncing terriers, is outside
+    whistling for me, so I must put the lid on.
+
+    Yours, ALEC.
+
+
+    DEAR ALEC,--What's the idea? You say you let the fishing a
+    fortnight ago; but last Wednesday you wrote about catching
+    eleven beauties, one over nineteen and a half inches long.
+    Some trout--what? But why the terriers? Yours in darkness,
+
+    GARRY NORTON.
+
+
+    _Postcard_.
+
+    _Rats_.
+
+    ALEC.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHEN GREEK JOINS GREEK."
+
+    "The Red Cross announces that the repatriation of Greeks
+    forcibly removed from their homes in Eastern Macedonia has
+    been virtually completed despite Bulgarian opposition. The
+    reports says the Greek Red Cross rendered invaluable aid
+    in looting imprisoned Greeks hidden remotely."--_Egyptian
+    Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NAVY AT CAMBRIDGE.
+
+  When first I joined the R.N.V.
+  And ventured out upon the sea,
+  The war-tried Subs. R.N. and Looties
+  Who guided me about my duties
+  Were wont to wink and chuckle if
+  I found the going rather stiff;
+  And when, upon the Nor'-East Rough,
+  My legs proved scarcely firm enough
+  To keep me yare and head-to-wind
+  The very nicest of them grinned.
+
+  Now times are changed, and here I am
+  Once more beside the brimming Cam,
+  Where lo, those selfsame Loots and Subs
+  Whirl madly by in punts and tubs,
+  Which they propel by strength of will
+  And muscle rather more than skill.
+  For (if one may be fairly frank)
+  They barge across from bank to bank,
+  With zig-zag motions, in and out,
+  As though torpedoes were about;
+  Whilst I with all an expert's ease
+  Glide by as gaily as you please,
+  Or calmly, 'mid the rout of punts,
+  Perform accomplished super-stunts.
+
+  But do not think I jibe or jeer
+  However strangely they career.
+  In soothing accents, sweet as spice,
+  I offer them my best advice,
+  Or deftly show them how to plant a
+  Propulsive pole in oozy Granta,
+  Observing, "If you only knew it
+  _This_ is the proper way to do it;"
+  Till soon each watching Looty's face
+  Grows full of wonder at my grace,
+  And daring Subs in frail Rob Roys
+  Attempt to imitate my poise.
+
+  O war-tried Loots and Subs. R.N.,
+  Thus by the Cam we meet again;
+  And, as in wilder sterner days,
+  We shared the ocean's dreary ways
+  In fellowship of single aim,
+  I never doubt we'll do the same
+  By sunny Cam in happier times;
+  And therefore, if through these my rhymes
+  Some gentle banter slyly flits,
+  Forgive me, Sirs--and call it quits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a club journal:--
+
+    "Members will look forward to the River Trip this year as a
+    change from a Trip to the River."
+
+This constant craving for variety is one of the most unhealthy
+symptoms of the times in which we live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of the debate on the National Shipyards:--
+
+    "'The Mercantile Marine was our weakest front. If the sinking
+    increased our unbiblical cord would be cut' (a graphic phrase
+    this)."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Graphic, perhaps, but hardly stenographic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Poacher (to gamekeeper who has been chasing him for
+twenty minutes)._ "NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF
+AGAIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+MR. E.F. BENSON, seizing occasion as it flies, has given us, in
+_Across the Stream_ (MURRAY), a story on the very topical subject of
+spiritualism and communication with the dead. As a practised novelist,
+with a touch so sure that it can hardly fail to adorn, he has made a
+tale that is interesting throughout and here and there aspires to real
+beauty of feeling; though not all the writer's skill can disguise a
+certain want of unity in the natural and supernatural divisions of
+his theme. The early part of the book, which tells of the boyhood
+of _Archie_ and the attempts of his dead brother _Martin_ to "get
+through" to him, are admirably done. As always in these studies of
+happy and guarded childhood, Mr. BENSON is at his best, sympathetic,
+tender, altogether winning. There was lung trouble in _Archie's_
+record--_Martin_ indeed had died of it (sometimes I wonder whether any
+of Mr. BENSON'S protagonists can ever be wholly robust), and there is
+a genuine thrill in the scene at the Swiss sanatorium, where the
+dead and living boys touch hands over the little _cache_ of childish
+treasure buried by the former beneath a pine-tree in the garden.
+Later, when _Archie_ had recovered from his disease and grown to
+suitor's estate, I could not but feel, despite the sardonically
+observed figure of _Helena_, the detestable girl who nearly ruins him,
+that the whole affair had become conventional, and by so much lost
+interest for its creator. Apart, however, from the bogie chapters of
+Possession (which I shall not further indicate) the most moving scenes
+in this latter part are those between _Archie_ and his father. I have
+seldom known a horrible situation handled with more delicate art; it
+is for this, rather than for its slightly unconvincing devilments,
+that I would give the book an honourable place in the ranks of
+Bensonian romance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I quite agree with Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, whose _Mr. Sterling Sticks it
+Out_ (HEADLEY) is a generous attempt to put into the form of a story
+the case of the conscientious objector of the finest type, that,
+when we are able to think about this matter calmly, we shall have
+considerable misgivings at least about details in our treatment of
+this difficult problem. I also agree that the officials of the Press
+Bureau don't come at all well out of the correspondence which he
+prints in his preface, and, further, that the Government ought to have
+had the courage to alter the law allowing absolute exemption rather
+than stretch it beyond the breaking point. But I emphatically dispute
+his assumption that the matter was a simple one. It was not the
+saintly, single-minded and sweet-natured C.O.'s of _Christopher
+Sterling's_ type that made the chief difficulty. There were few of
+this literal interpretation and heroic texture. The real difficulty
+was created by men of a very different character and in much greater
+numbers, sincere in varying degrees, but deliberately, passionately
+and unscrupulously obstructive, bent on baulking the national will and
+making anything like reasonable treatment of them impossible. It would
+require saints, not men, to deal without occasional lapses from strict
+equity with such infuriating folk. Mr. BEGBIE'S book is unfair in
+its emphasis, but it is not fanatical or subversive, and I can see no
+decent reason why it should have been banned. I certainly commend it
+to the majority-minded as a wholesome corrective.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+That the reviewer should finish his study of the assembled
+biographies of twenty-four fallen heroes of this War with a feeling of
+disappointment and some annoyance argues a fault in the biographer or
+in the reviewer. I invite the reader to be the judge between us,
+for _The New Elizabethans_ (LANE) must certainly be read, if only to
+understand clearly that there is no fault in the heroes, at any rate.
+Mr. E.B. OSBORN describes them as "these golden lads ... who
+first conquered their easier selves and secondly led the ancestral
+generations into a joyous captivity" (whatever that may mean), and
+maintains, against the father of one of them apparently, that he is
+apt in the title he has given to them and to their countless peers. I
+agree with the father and think they deserve a new name of their own;
+such men as the GRENFELL brothers, HUGH and JOHN CHARLTON and DONALD
+HANKEY did more than maintain a tradition. There is about DIXON SCOTT,
+"the Joyous Critic," something, I think, which will be recognised
+as marking a production and a surprise of our own generation--the
+"ink-slinger" who, when it came to the point, was found equally
+reckless and brave in slinging more dangerous matter. Again, I feel
+that there is needed a clearer motive than is apparent to warrant "a
+selection of the lives of young men who have fallen in the great war."
+Selections in this instance are more odious than comparisons; there
+should be one book for one hero. Thirdly, I disapprove the dedication
+to the Americans; and, lastly, I found in the author's prose a certain
+affectation that is unworthy of the subject-matter. An instance is the
+reference to HARRY BUTTERS' "joyous" quotation of the quatrain:--
+
+  Every day that passes
+    Filling out the year
+  Leaves the wicked Kaiser
+    Harder up for beer.
+
+I like the quatrain, of course; who, knowing the "Incorrigibles,"
+doesn't? But I did not like that reiterated word "joyous."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I should certainly have supposed that recent history had discounted
+popular interest in the monarchies of make-believe; in other words,
+that when real sovereigns have been behaving in so sensational a
+manner one might expect a slump in counterfeits. But it appears that
+Mr. H.B. MARRIOTT WATSON is by no means of this opinion. His latest
+story, _The Pester Finger_ (SKEFFINGTON), shows him as Ruritanian
+as ever. As usual we find that distressful country, here called
+_Varavia_, in the throes of dynastic upheaval, which centres, in
+a manner also not without precedent, in the figure of a young and
+beautiful Princess. This lady, the last of her race, had been adopted
+as ward--on, I thought, insufficient introduction--by the hero, _Sir
+Francis Vyse_. The situation was further complicated by the fact that
+in his youth he had been the officer of the guard who ought to have
+prevented the murder of _Sonia's_ august parents, and didn't. Quite
+early I gave up counting how many times _Sir Francis_ and his fair
+ward were set upon, submerged, imprisoned and generally knocked about.
+You never saw so convulsed a courtship; for I will no longer conceal
+the fact that, when he was not more strenuously engaged, he soon began
+to regard _Sonia_ with a softening eye. And as _Sonia_ herself
+was growing up to womanhood, or, in Mr. WATSON'S elegant phrase,
+"muliebrity claimed her definitely"--well, he is an enviable reader
+for whom the last page will hold any considerable surprise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ETIENNE," in an introductory note to _A Naval Lieutenant, 1914-1918_
+(METHUEN), gives an excellent reason for wishing to record his
+impressions of the "sea affair." He was in _H.M.S. Southampton_ during
+the earlier part of the War, and "on all the four principal occasions
+when considerable German forces were encountered in the North Sea, her
+guns were in action." Very naturally he desired to do honour to this
+gallant light cruiser, and I admire prodigiously the modest way in
+which he has done it. "ETIENNE" is not a stylist; a professor
+of syntax might conceivably be distressed by his confusion of
+prepositions; but apart from this detail all is plain sailing--and
+fighting. I have read no more thrilling account of the Battle of
+Jutland than is to be found here. The author does it so well because
+he tells his story with great simplicity and without what I believe
+he would call "windiness." Best of all, he has a nice sense of humour,
+and would even, I believe, have discovered the funny side of Scapa, if
+there had been one. "ETIENNE," whose short stories of naval life were
+amusing, makes a distinct advance in this new work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF INNOCENCE.
+
+GOLF IN SPRINGTIME.
+
+  Merry little baa-lambs sporting on the grass,
+  Playing ring-a-roses, dancing as you pass,
+                          Crying,
+  "Jones has topped his brassie shot! What a way to play!
+  Now then, all together, boys--Me-e-eh!"
+  Pretty little woollies, white as driven snow,
+  Following your mothers, skipping as you go,
+                          Crying,
+  "Jones is in the bunker! What a lot he has to say!
+  Give it all together, boys--Me-e-e-eh!"
+  Harbingers of Springtime! innocently fair,
+  Frisking on the greensward, leaping in the air,
+                          Crying,
+  "Jones is in the whins again! He's off his drive to-day;
+  Once more let him have it, boys--Me-e-e-e-eh!"
+  Silly little baa-lambs! If you only knew,
+  One day you'll be fatter and I'll have the laugh on you,
+                          Crying,
+  "Every time I foozled they bleated with delight.
+  Now they're lamb-and-mint-sauce. Serves the beggars right!"
+
+  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BORROWED THUNDER.
+
+"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HANGING ON BEHIND ME LIKE THAT?"
+
+"I'VE BROKEN MY HORN, OLD TOFF, AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD TOOT FOR
+TWO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, May 28, 1919., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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