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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+May 21, 1919., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, May 21, 1919.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: May 1, 2004 [EBook #12231]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+May 21, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"We thought it was to be a _Peace_ Conference," remarks the _Berliner
+Tageblatt_ sadly. Instead of which it turned out to be another Diet of
+Worms.
+
+       ***
+
+"Wanted a Dock Examiner," says a technical paper advertisement. Now if
+they had only wanted a Duke examiner we have the very man in mind.
+
+       ***
+
+Several correspondents have written to _The Daily Express_ asking
+whether it is not unlucky to be married on a Friday. Our own
+experience is that it doesn't make much difference which day it is.
+
+       ***
+
+We learn on good authority that an airman recently flew from
+Newfoundland to the English coast, but immediately returned as he
+considered that the weather was unfavourable for landing. As the whole
+affair appears to have been hushed up it is thought that he was of
+American nationality.
+
+       ***
+
+"A seasonable dish," says _Household Hints_, "is _crab au gratis_." We
+can only say that in our own experience it never seems to be in season
+at the smartest restaurants.
+
+       ***
+
+An American Army doctor has discovered that sea-sickness originates
+in the ears. This confirms the old theory that persons who sleep with
+both ears pressed against the pillow are never sea-sick.
+
+       ***
+
+Presents given prior to engagements, says Judge CLUER, are in the
+nature of bait and cannot be recovered. Once the angler is safely
+hooked a different situation arises.
+
+       ***
+
+"I am confident," writes "J.E.P." in _The Daily Mail_, "that nineteen
+out of twenty men do not know what they should do on being bitten by
+a mad dog." The common practice of trying to bite the dog back is
+admittedly inadequate.
+
+       ***
+
+The London County Council have decided not to remove the marks of
+damage done by aircraft to the base of Cleopatra's Needle. It seems
+that they have also had to refuse the request of some curio-hunters
+who asked if they might have the indentations as mementos.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the inflated price of silver, a contemporary points out, the
+shilling now contains only ten-pence half-penny worth of silver. More
+important however is the fact that, owing to the inflated cheek of
+dairymen, it only contains three pennyworth of milk.
+
+       ***
+
+"Singing," says Dr. HENRY COWARD, "is a valuable preventive against
+influenza." It is also known that certain streptococci have an intense
+dislike to the trombone.
+
+       ***
+
+The parishioners of All Saints' Church, South Acton, are invited by
+the clergy to say what they would like to be preached to about. The
+little boy who wrote that he would like a sermon on the proper way to
+feed white rats is still hopeful.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that a Wallasey licensee, in order to satisfy his
+customers, sent a sample of Government ale to be analysed. We
+understand that the analyst reported that there was nothing in it.
+
+       ***
+
+"I don't go to the pictures," says Mr. H.G. WELLS. It is not clear
+whether the Academy or the cinema is meant, but it shows that the
+famous novelist is, after all, only human, like so many of us.
+
+       ***
+
+As a result of high prices, says _The Daily Express_, ladies may now
+be seen at Longchamps without stockings. We have noticed similar signs
+of the high price of ladies' dresses in this country.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir NEVILLE MACREADY'S statement that "burglars to-day often resort to
+violence" has caused much annoyance, and the famous police chief is
+to be asked to receive a deputation of London burglars to discuss the
+point.
+
+       ***
+
+Under no circumstances, says a medical leaflet, should flies be
+allowed in the house. If they knock at the front-door and then rush
+past you, send for a policeman.
+
+       ***
+
+A Streatham resident is offering a reward of ten shillings for the
+return of a "ginger" cat which has been lost. As the owner has shown
+no other traces of the effect of the hot weather the authorities have
+decided not to pursue the case.
+
+       ***
+
+Things are coming to a pretty pass in Ireland. Just because a
+man attempted to murder somebody in County Armagh the police have
+threatened to arrest him.
+
+       ***
+
+An ex-special constable, relating his experiences in a weekly
+magazine, mentions that he once found a perfectly good alarum-clock on
+the doorstep of a neighbour's house. Further investigation would, no
+doubt, have resulted in the discovery of the milk-jug on the bedroom
+mantelpiece.
+
+       ***
+
+"A young man should kiss a girl on either the left or the right
+cheek," says a writer on hygiene in a weekly paper. As the option of
+either cheek is given, many young men will no doubt hesitate between
+the two.
+
+       ***
+
+An evening paper reports that a live shell was found "laying" in
+an open field near Southend. This seems a sure sign that the
+nesting-season is now in full swing, and it seems a pity that we did
+not think of this method of shell-production during the War.
+
+       ***
+
+"No honest German," says Herr SCHEIDEMANN, "can possibly sign the
+Peace Treaty." The best plan, perhaps, would be to call for volunteers
+and take the risk as to qualification.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Boxer (amidst a babel of advice_). "LOOK 'ERE--CHUCK
+IT! I GOT DEMOBILISED AS A _ONE-MAN_ BUSINESS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a recent law-report:--
+
+    "I say 'Civis Britannicus Sam.'"--_Evening Paper_.
+
+It is proposed, we understand, to adopt this as the motto of the
+Anglo-American Union.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+BREST-BUCHAREST-VERSAILLES.
+
+  Oh, those were palmy days at Brest!
+    You had no sort of scruples then;
+  You knelt at ease on Russia's chest,
+    Dipped in her blood your iron pen,
+  Dictated terms the most abhorrent
+  And made her sign her own death-warrant.
+
+  At Bucharest 'twas much the same:
+    You had Roumania under heel;
+  No pity here nor generous shame,
+    But just the argument of steel,
+  The logic of the butcher's knife--
+  And so she signed away her life.
+
+  These object-lessons learnt by rote,
+    As once we learnt your poison-gas,
+  Your pupils now are shocked to note
+    How Teuton wits, a little crass,
+  Mistake for rude assault and battery
+  Our imitation's feeble flattery.
+
+  We could not copy, line for line,
+    The perfect models made by you;
+  Yet the ideals they enshrine
+    We dimly strove to keep in view,
+  Trying to draft, with broad effect,
+  The kind of Peace that you'd expect.
+
+  Our efforts miss the cultured touch
+    By which we saw your own inspired;
+  They leave--beside the model--much,
+    Oh very much to be desired;
+  We've no excuse except to say
+  We were not built the German way.
+
+  But why these wails and tears and whines?
+    I must assume that they are bluff,
+  That, as compared with your designs,
+    You find our terms are easy stuff,
+  And, with your tongue against your cheek,
+  You'll sign the lot within a week.
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEETLE OF BUDA-PESTH.
+
+AN UNRECORDED EPISODE OF THE GREAT WAR.
+
+The War being now practically at an end and Austria-Hungary
+irrevocably broken up, I am able to recount an adventure, in which
+I was involved, that occurred at Buda-Pesth in the second week of
+August, 1914.
+
+Seated at a cafe on the famous Franz-Josef Quai, I was sipping coffee,
+after an excellent lunch, with Frederick, whose surname I will not
+mention in case I get into trouble for relating the incident before
+Peace is actually signed. The sun shone joyously down upon the
+kaleidoscope of gaily dressed people promenading by the cool waters
+of the Danube, and we sat engrossed--I in the charm of the scene, and
+Frederick in that of individual beauties who passed to and fro.
+
+Suddenly I noticed that he was staring intently upon the ground a few
+yards in front of him. I asked him what was the matter.
+
+"Perceive," he replied in a very serious tone, "a small beetle of the
+order of Coleoptera making its way across the pavement?"
+
+"I do perceive it," I replied; "but what about it?"
+
+"Does it not occur to you," he continued, "that it is a very
+remarkable thing that that beetle should have already travelled six
+feet across the most crowded promenade in Buda-Pesth without having
+been trodden on?"
+
+Being used to Frederick I do not take him too seriously and made no
+reply, intending to brush the incident aside, but I found my gaze
+continually returning to Coleopteron, conscious of that peculiar
+fascination which attracts one to impending tragedy. It was evident
+that he had just left the cafe and was hurrying across the promenade
+to catch the little steamer which was due to leave in ten minutes for
+Ofen. It was also evident to any thinking individual that there must
+be some extraordinarily urgent reason for his wishing to catch the
+boat which justified him in taking the awful risks which he was
+incurring. The position was full of human interest and I became as
+intrigued as Frederick.
+
+It seemed that Coleopteron was under some divine protection which
+enabled him to elude so large a crowd. One lady stepped right on him,
+but apparently, by a piece of brilliant footwork, he managed to get
+in the arch between the sole and the heel and so survive. Another
+promenader brushed him with his boot and knocked him over, but he
+doggedly continued on his way.
+
+I was conscious of a greatly accelerated beating of my heart and
+noticed that Frederick was perspiring freely.
+
+Half-way across the twenty-foot pavement Coleopteron was sniffed at
+by a dog and our hearts stopped beating, but again he was saved by
+the fact that the dog was on a chain and just hadn't time to eat him
+before he was dragged after his mistress.
+
+I noticed now that Frederick's eyes were protruding from his head and
+that he was muttering to himself. I too felt the strain telling upon
+me, A shrill whistle from the little steamer warning passengers to
+hurry up was immediately responded to by Coleopteron, who increased
+his speed to the utmost, when suddenly Frederick's trembling hand
+caught mine.
+
+"Look!" he said, and, following his gaze, I saw approaching twelve
+gendarmes. We did not speak; we did not need to invite each other's
+views; our minds had but a single thought--Coleopteron could not
+possibly escape twenty-four Hungarian Government boots.
+
+On scurried our little friend and on came the gendarmes. I was
+conscious of a feeling of physical sickness, and Frederick groaned
+aloud. As the dreadful moment of contact approached we shut our eyes
+tight and each gripped the other's hand. How long we remained like
+this I cannot tell, for we were both afraid to look and see the my
+smudge on the pavement indicating a hero's end; but eventually, by
+mutual arrangement, we opened our eyes, and then we saw--not a smudge,
+but Coleopteron still advancing quite unconcerned. It was a miracle.
+
+"I can't stand it any longer," cried Frederick, to the amazement
+of those sitting about us outside the cafe, "I shall go mad!" and,
+leaping up from his seat, he rushed across the promenade and, taking
+from his pocket a picture-postcard of some Hungarian beauty, he coaxed
+Coleopteron to walk on to it, then bore him triumphantly back and
+deposited him upon the leaf of a palm which overhung our table.
+
+Shortly afterwards the little steamer whistled again and left the
+quay.
+
+Frederick remained silent for some time as befits a man who has saved
+a life, and then arose to have a look at Coleopteron and doubtless
+to make himself better known to the little hero; but to his pained
+surprise Coleopteron was not to be found. All over that palm he
+searched in vain and on the floor; then suddenly he emitted a gurgling
+sound and I saw that he was in the grip of deep emotion. There was a
+look on his face I had never seen before, and I anxiously asked him
+what had happened. For some time he could not speak, but stood gazing
+vacantly into space. At last, with parched lips, he spoke.
+
+"Look in the milk-jug!" he said, and sank into his chair.
+
+For a moment I thought that Frederick had been poisoned, and then I
+realised the truth, for there in the hot milk floated the corpse of
+Coleopteron.
+
+"Why did he do it?" pleaded Frederick with a break in his voice.
+
+"Because," I replied, "you hadn't the sense to realise that he was
+staking his all on catching that boat, and, instead of helping him,
+you brought him back to where he started from."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Early the next morning, at Frederick's desire, we left Buda-Pesth _en
+route_ for the Swiss Frontier. It was impossible, if he was to retain
+his reason, to stay longer in a city that had for him such tragic
+associations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PEACE QUEUE.
+
+AUSTRIA _(to Germany)._ "GET A MOVE ON!"
+
+BULGARIA. "IT'S NO GOOD HAGGLING; WE'VE ALL GOT TO HAVE IT."
+
+TURKEY. "WELL, I'M LAST, AND I DON'T CARE HOW LONG ANYBODY TAKES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Temporary Officer (in department which they have
+forgotten to close down)._ "DASH IT! I DON'T SEE WHY WE SHOULDN'T GET
+UNEMPLOYMENT PAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CAPITAL OUTLAY.
+
+It was, in a sense, mutual. We had chickens; the chickens had us. On
+the other hand, they had the best of the bargain. We kept them; and
+they did not keep us.
+
+My aunt insisted that we _must_ keep chickens, and you know my aunt.
+
+Pardon! You don't know my aunt. She is an elderly maiden lady who
+"keeps house" for me. She is eminently practical--theoretically
+speaking.
+
+She insisted. "With eggs at eightpence it's a sin and a shame not to
+keep hens in war-time."
+
+I urged that the food would cost a good many eightpences--in war-time.
+
+Her reply was "Pshaw!" (She really does say "Pshaw"--and means it.)
+"Pshaw! they will live on kitchen scraps."
+
+We consulted Nibletts. He has a local reputation as a chicken expert,
+mainly, I believe, because he's a butcher. He recommended a breed
+called Wild Oats (by which he meant, I discovered, Wyandottes).
+
+"You take my tip, Sir," he said, "and buy Wild Oats. If you'll excuse
+the word--" (Nibletts is always apologising for some term he is about
+to use, which promises to be inexpressibly shocking to polite ears,
+and never is)--"they're clinkers."
+
+We ordered a round dozen. We also bought a hen-house fitted with all
+modern conveniences. The total outlay represented a prince's ransom;
+but, as I pointed out to my aunt, we had a run for our money.
+
+The hens, when they arrived, were not strictly "as per" advertisement.
+We bought them as laying pullets, and they didn't lay for quite a
+time--so far as we knew. Nibletts, however, declared that they were
+"what you might call in the pink," and surmised that the train journey
+had "put 'em off the lay, as you might say." If eating and fighting
+were evidences of their being "in the pink," those birds must have
+enjoyed exceptional health. They also slept well, I believe.
+
+After about a month one enormous egg arrived--an egg that would not
+have disgraced a young ostrich. Its huge dimensions worried my aunt.
+She wondered if they were a symptom, and consulted Nibletts.
+
+He put it down to the food. He said that kitchen scraps were "no good
+for laying pullets." "That egg, lady," he said, "is what us fanciers
+call--excuse me--" (I saw my aunt shudder in anticipation)--"a
+bloomer. You must give 'em a lot more meal."
+
+We bought a big sack of meal--through the medium of Nibletts. If I
+remember rightly it cost rather more than the pullets.
+
+Still no eggs. Then some of the hens went out of "the pink." For
+instance, one developed a chronic habit of running centripetally
+round a constantly diminishing circle, fainting on arriving at
+the geometrical centre. My distressed aunt called in Nibletts to
+prescribe. There was only one word for it--that awful word "staggers."
+There was only one cure for it--death. Should he wring its neck?
+
+We feelingly withdrew, and he did it. He took the corpse away with
+him, so that he presumably had a use for it.
+
+Soon a second pullet went down with a considerably swollen face. My
+aunt bathed it twice a day in a hot anti-septic, but to no purpose,
+except that the poor thing seemed much comforted by the fomentation.
+That hen was, Nibletts whispered to me, for fear my aunt should
+overhear, "a waster." The only thing to do was to coop it up from the
+rest, or they'd all go down with it--whatever it was.
+
+We cooped it up till it died. Nibletts certified the cause of death as
+that unmentionable complaint, the pip.
+
+Still no eggs, notwithstanding repeated appeals in the sacred name of
+_Macduff_. We did, however, find out what the trouble was.
+
+The hens were eating the eggs!
+
+Nibletts said--under his breath--that they were what was known as
+"blighters." He recommended (deprecating the term) a "stodger." A
+"stodger" proved to be an egg-shell stuffed with bread-crumbs, mustard
+and the strongest photographic ammonia.
+
+My aunt said it would be cruel. It was certainly rough on me. Nibletts
+apologetically directed me to blow an egg--"a shop 'un 'd do."
+Accordingly, following his instructions, I injected or otherwise
+introduced the ingredients through a small aperture. It was the
+bread-crumbs that gave me most trouble; but it was the photographic
+ammonia that was "cruel." The mustard went in quite easily with a
+squirt.
+
+I stopped the holes with paper stuck on with sealing-wax and put
+the _oeuf farci_ in the run. I waited to see what would happen. It
+happened at once. All ten hens went for that egg in a convergent
+attack, and all ten pecks got home simultaneously. The deputation then
+hurriedly withdrew, with loud protests, and spent the rest of the day
+wiping their beaks in the cool earth.
+
+But they remained recalcitrant. They systematically cannibalized. A
+cackle from the layer brought all the rest to the spot; and I simply
+couldn't stay there all day to forestall the onslaught.
+
+Nibletts suggested our getting a patent laying-box, furnished with
+(what he apologised to my aunt for calling) a false front. My aunt did
+not at first grasp the idea, but what Nibletts did in fact refer
+to was a contrivance that would admit one sitter only at a time,
+subsequent unauthorised entrance being cut off by an ingenious drop
+slide. Further elaborate construction also prevented the sitter
+herself from turning round to peck. She had to remain sitting till
+some human came and lifted her out.
+
+Just one egg was laid in that patent box. The object of it was also
+patent--to the hens. Nothing would induce them to use it after that
+once.
+
+Nibletts then recommended (if he might so describe it) a "tit-up."
+That was, so to speak, a conjuring-trick of a laying-box, which let
+the egg fall through a trap-door into a padded cell beneath. My
+aunt thought it unnatural and feared that it might be exhausting.
+Nevertheless we tried it, and extracted one solitary egg from the
+basement.
+
+Then, being an engineer by profession, I conceived a mechanical means
+of giving those hens the scare of their lives if they persisted
+in their antisocial habits. I constructed a "spoof" egg of white
+enamelled metal, with hinges that opened when a catch was touched.
+Inside I compressed one of those jack-in-the-box snakes that spring
+out when free to do so.
+
+It was quite effective--as a parlour-trick. Those hens pecked the
+catch loose, and that cockatrice fairly staggered them. It was to them
+a clear case of "nourishing a viper." But all was as before.
+
+Nibletts then gave up the case as (what he might be excused for
+calling) a "fair corker." Should he wring their (pause) necks?
+
+We thought it best so, and gave him a couple of "laying pullets" for
+his trouble. The other eight kept us going monotonously for about a
+month.
+
+The house is still on offer. Houses are scarce just now.
+
+I have sown my Wyandottes.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+It was the income-tax man that suggested the title that I have given
+to my story. I disagreed with him _in toto_. But he persisted that it
+wasn't an "expense."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ex-Soldier_ (_to stout passenger_). "MIGHT I SUGGEST,
+SIR, THAT EITHER YOU PASS FURTHER DOWN THE CAR OR TAKE A COURSE OF
+PHYSICAL TRAINING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Skivvington-Smyth (loudly)._ "COVENT GARDEN!"
+_Taximan (equally loudly)._ "MARKET?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NOMADS.
+
+  "There are no houses in the Town,"
+  Said Mr. Smith (of Smith and Brown);
+  I hardly like to put it down,
+    But that's what he asserted;
+  So thereupon I went to Anne
+  And told her of my brilliant plan,
+  Which is, to purchase from a man
+  A furniture-removal van,
+    And have the thing converted.
+
+  Within that mobile villa gay
+  We shall not choose, though gipsies may,
+  Through country lanes and woods to stray,
+    Not likely. We shall enter
+  An up-to-date Bohemian lot,
+  And, if you read _The Daily Rot_,
+  You'll find it has observed us (what?)
+  Proceeding at a smartish trot
+    Through London's throbbing centre.
+
+  And there will be some curious stirs,
+  Unless my fancy greatly errs,
+  At restaurants and theatres
+    When our distinctive turn-out
+  Lines up with all the others there,
+  And we look out with quite an air
+  And order the commissionaire
+  Kindly to put the little stair
+    That hangs behind the stern out.
+
+  And, when at nights our prancing team
+  (I have before me now a scheme
+  To use auxiliary steam)
+    Desires to seek its stable,
+  Why, John--I have not mentioned John;
+  He is the man who sits upon
+  The front of the Pantechnicon--
+  Will take them off. And when they're gone,
+    And hush succeeds to Babel,
+
+  We'll rest within our home complete
+  Wherever seems to us most sweet,
+  And none shall say that such a street
+    Or such a square is pleasant,
+  But we shall answer straightway, "Yes,
+  We used to live at that address;
+  Quite jolly. But we liked it less.
+  Than opposite the Duke of S.
+    In Amaranthine Crescent."
+
+  But if in wandering to and fro
+  We chance to see--you never know--
+  One house that has "TO LET" to show
+    And find report has tricked us,
+  And there _are_ houses in the Town,
+  We'll simply dump our chattels down
+  And challenge Smith (of Smith and Brown)
+  Or any landlord, bar the Crown,
+    To blooming well evict us.
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A visit was paid to Exeter, yesterday afternoon, by
+    Lieut.-General Sir Henry Crichton Selater, G.C.B., K.C.B.,
+    C.B."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+More fortunate than the LORD CHANCELLOR, the gallant General seems to
+have had three Baths allotted to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The enemy is engaged vigorously in making his expected
+    protest against the Peace Terms.... To show the depth of
+    his emotion he has declared a week of mourning. Theatres
+    may remain open, but must stage plays appropriate to the
+    occasion."
+
+It is rumoured that the first play chosen was _Measure for Measure_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The War Office says there is no authority whatever for the
+    statement that General Townshend would shortly be appointed
+    Commander-in-Chief in the Tower Hamlets, F.C."--_Star_.
+
+Mr. Punch begs leave to say that this item of football news did not
+appear in his columns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROCRASTINATION.
+
+A few mornings ago I found among my letters a tragic document--a
+bill. A first quick glance at it filled me with despair, because I was
+luxuriating in that Fools' Paradise produced by the illusion that one
+is all paid up. Of course one never is; there is always something that
+one forgets, and this must have been it; so that, instead of perfect
+freedom from liability, here I was apparently still owing no less a
+sum than L5 9_s_.
+
+The figures looked familiar enough, although disconcerting, but I
+rubbed my eyes when I found that they were made up of two items that
+had never come my way; the first being one-and-a-half dozen essences,
+L3 15_s_., and the second, a dozen _poudre assortie,_ L1 14_s_. It
+could not be for me. Essences and powders wholesale are not in my
+line, nor is my acquaintance so extensive among the Fair as these
+quantities would imply.
+
+A moment later all my anxieties dispersed and tragedy turned to comedy
+when I realised that the bill was for the hairdresser with the same
+name as my own, who lives next door but one and gets so much of my
+correspondence.
+
+I therefore put the bill on my desk, intending to take it into the
+shop when I went out; and forgot it.
+
+The Russian Corps de Ballet at the Alhambra is an assemblage of
+charming and gifted people who are at last giving their admirers full
+measure. Now that they have a vast theatre of their own and perform
+three ballets every night the old frustrated feeling that used to
+tantalise us at the Opera and the Coliseum has vanished. But I have
+still a grievance, and that is that the programme is so rarely the
+programme that I myself would have arranged. In other words the three
+ballets that form it are seldom the Big Three that are nearest my
+heart. To be explicit, I want _Petroushka_, and instead I find myself
+not knowing where to look while _Scheherazade_ unfolds its appalling
+freedoms; I want _Les Sylphides_, and instead am given _Les
+Papillons_, which is very lovely but not of an equal loveliness; and I
+want _Carnaval_, and instead am offered the perplexities of _The
+Fire Bird_. It happened, however, that one night recently the perfect
+programme was given--_Carnaval, Les Sylphides_ and _Petroushka_; but
+there was not a seat in the house, and I therefore had to stand in
+great discomfort, so that half the joy evaporated.
+
+"Meanwhile" (I seem to hear you say) "what of the hairdresser who has
+the same name as yourself and plies his trade next door but one? This
+story--which so far is a poor enough thing--was surely to have been
+about him." (So I seem to hear you say.)
+
+Patience! It is about him, but it is also about the evils of
+procrastination. In short, it is a kind of tract.
+
+On the morning after my disappointing evening at the Alhambra, while
+moving some papers on my desk, I brought to light the bill for the
+powder and the essences. "Good Heavens!" I murmured, "the poor
+fellow will be distracted not to have this;" and I took it in to him
+straightway.
+
+I apologised for the delay.
+
+"There is no hurry," he replied. "Accounts can wait; But I hope," he
+added, taking an envelope from a drawer, "that this letter for you
+is equally unimportant. It came, I'm afraid, four days ago, and I was
+always meaning to bring it in, but forgot."
+
+Unimportant! It was merely an invitation from the most adorable woman
+in London to share her box at the Russian Ballet on the previous
+night, to see what she knew was my most desired performance,
+_Carnaval, Les Sylphides_ and _Pelroushka_.
+
+Either the hairdresser or I must move.
+
+Or we must both take a course of memory training. I believe there is
+some system on the market.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration "WE DON'T YET REALISE, MY BOY, ALL THE VAST CHANGES THIS
+WAR WILL MAKE."
+
+"NO, SIR. BUT ISN'T IT RATHER A LOT OF BLITHER ABOUT BRIGHTER
+CRICKET?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, five unfurnished Rooms and bath (1 large for music
+    studio)."--_Local Paper_.
+
+We are glad to note the spread of the healthful habit of singing in
+the bath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERILS OF REVIEWING.
+
+A most unfortunate thing has happened to a friend of mine called ----
+to a friend of ---- to a friend of ----. Well, I suppose the truth
+will have to come out. It happened to me. Only don't tell anybody.
+
+I reviewed a book the other day. It is not often I do this, because
+before one can review a book one has to, or is supposed to, read
+it, which wastes a good deal of time. Even that isn't an end of the
+trouble. The article which follows is not really one's own, for the
+wretched fellow who wrote the book is always trying to push his way
+in with his views on matrimony, or the Sussex downs, or whatever his
+ridiculous subject is. He expects one to say, "Mr. Blank's treatment
+of _Hilda's_ relations with her husband is masterly," whereas what one
+wants to say is, "Putting Mr. Blank's book on one side we may consider
+the larger question, whether ----" and so consider it (alone) to the
+end of the column.
+
+Well, I reviewed Mr. Blank's book, _Rotundity_. As I expected, the
+first draft had to be re-headed "A Corner of Old London," and used
+elsewhere; Mr. Blank didn't get into it at all. I kept promising
+myself a sentence: "Take _Rotundity,_ for instance, the new novel by
+William Blank, which, etc.," but before I was ready for it the article
+was finished. In my second draft, realizing the dangers of delay, I
+began at once, "This remarkable novel," and continued so for a couple
+of sentences. But on reading it through afterwards I saw at once that
+the first two sentences were out of place in an article that obviously
+ought to be called "The Last Swallow;" so I cut them out, sent "The
+Last Swallow: A Reverie" to another Editor, and began again. The third
+time I was successful.
+
+Of course in my review I said all the usual things. I said that Mr.
+Blank's attitude to life was "subjective rather than objective"
+... and a little lower down that it was "objective rather than
+subjective." I pointed out that in his treatment of the major theme he
+was a neo-romanticist, but I suggested that, on the other hand, he
+had nothing to learn from the Russians--or the Russians had nothing
+to learn from him; I forget which. And finally I said (and this is
+the cause of the whole trouble) that ANTOINE VAURELLE'S world-famous
+classic--and I looked it up in the Encyclopaedia--world-renowned
+classic, _Je Comprends Tout_, had been not without its influence on
+Mr. Blank. It was a good review, and the editor was pleased about it.
+
+A few days later Mr. Blank wrote to say that, curiously enough, he
+had never read _Je Comprends Tout_. It didn't seem to me very curious,
+because I had never read it either, but I thought it rather odd of him
+to confess as much to a stranger. The only book of VAURELLE'S which I
+had read was _Consolatrice_, in an English translation. However, one
+doesn't say these things in a review.
+
+Now I have a French friend, Henri, one of those annoying Frenchmen who
+talks English much better than I do, and Henri, for some extraordinary
+reason, had seen my review. He has to live in London now, but his
+heart is in Paris; and I imagine that every word of his beloved
+language which appears, however casually, in an English paper
+mysteriously catches his eye and brings the scent and sounds of the
+_boulevards_ to him across the coffee-cups. So the next time I met
+him he shook me warmly by the hand, and told me how glad he was that I
+was an admirer of ANTOINE VAURELLE'S novels.
+
+"Who isn't?" I said with a shrug, and, to get the conversation on
+to safer ground, I added hastily that in some ways I almost liked
+_Consolatrice_ best.
+
+He shook my hand again. So did he. A great book.
+
+"But of course," he said, "one must read it in the original French. It
+is the book of all others which loses by translation."
+
+"Of course," I agreed. Really, I don't see what else I could have
+done.
+
+"Do you remember that wonderful phrase ----" and he rattled it off.
+"Magnificent, is it not?"
+
+"Magnificent," I said, remembering an appointment instead. "Well,
+I must be getting on. Good-bye." And, as I walked off, I patted my
+forehead with my handkerchief and wondered why the day had grown so
+warm suddenly.
+
+However the next day was even warmer. Henri came to see me with a
+book under his arm. We all have one special book of our own which we
+recommend to our acquaintances, regarding the love of it as perhaps
+the best passport to our friendship. This was Henri's. He was about
+to test me. I had read and admired his favourite VAURELLES--in the
+original French. Would I love his daring LAFORGUE? My reputation as
+a man, as a writer, as a critic, depended on it. He handed me the
+book--in French.
+
+"It is all there," he said reverently, as he gave it to me. "All your
+English masters, they all come from him. Perhaps, most of all your
+---- But you shall tell me when you have read it. You shall tell me
+whom most you seem to see there. Your MEREDITH? Your SHAW? Your ----
+But you shall tell me."
+
+"I will tell you," I said faintly.
+
+And I've got to tell him.
+
+Don't think that I shall have any difficulty in reading the book.
+Glancing through it just now I came across this:--
+
+"_'Kate, avez-vous soupe avant le spectacle?'
+
+'Non, je n'avais guere le coeur a manger.'_"
+
+Well, that's easy enough. But I doubt if it is one of the most
+characteristic passages. It doesn't give you a clue to LAFORGUE'S
+manner, any more than "'Must I sit here, mother?' 'Yes, without a
+doubt you must,'" tells you all that you want to know about MEREDITH.
+There's more in it than that.
+
+And I've got to tell him.
+
+But fancy holding forth on an author's style after reading him
+laboriously with a dictionary!
+
+However, I must do my best; and in my more hopeful moments I see the
+conversation going like this:--
+
+"Well?"
+
+"Oh, wonderful." _(With emotion)_ "Really wonderful."
+
+"You see them all there?"
+
+"Yes, yes. It's really--wonderful. MEREDITH--I mean--well, it's
+simply--(_after a pause_) wonderful."
+
+"You see MEREDITH there most?"
+
+"Y--yes. Sometimes. And then sometimes I--I don't" (_with truth_).
+"It's difficult to say. Sometimes I--er--SHAW--er--well, it's ----"
+(_with a gesture somewhat Gallic_) "How can I put it?"
+
+"Not THACKERAY at all?" he says, watching me eagerly.
+
+I decide to risk it.
+
+"Oh, but of course! I mean--THACKERAY! When I said MEREDITH I was
+thinking of the _others_. But THACKERAY--I mean THACKERAY _is_--
+er--" (_I've forgotten his name for the moment and go on hastily_) I
+mean--er--THACKERAY, obviously."
+
+He shakes me by the hand. I am his friend.
+
+But this conversation only takes place in my more hopeful moments. In
+my less hopeful ones I see myself going into the country for quite a
+long time.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "The book contains a portrait of the author and several other
+    quaint illustrations."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miss Leitch played delightful golf up to the hole, but when
+    once she had arrived there the result was almost ludicrous, as
+    she could not hit the ball truly with her puttee."--_Evening
+    Paper_.
+
+Personally we have always found this an ineffective weapon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL ACADEMY-SECOND DEPRESSIONS.
+
+[Illustration: IN THE DAYS OF AULD LANGSIDE.
+
+_The Despatch-Bearer._ "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT THE QUEEN IS HERE. YOU
+ARE REQUESTED TO MAKE AS LITTLE NOISE AS POSSIBLE, AND, ABOVE ALL, _NO
+BLOODSHED_."
+
+_Bothwell (to Mary, Queen of Scots)._ "IF YOU WOULD DEIGN TO TURN
+YOUR HEAD A LITTLE, DEAR MADAM, YOU WILL FIND THAT THE BATTLE IS OVER
+HERE."]
+
+[Illustration: _The Cheshire Cat._ "I NEVER GET TIRED OF THIS STORY
+ABOUT DICK WHITTINGTON."]
+
+[Illustration: _The Profiteer's Wife (sadly)._ "POOR WILLIAM HASN'T
+BEEN HIMSELF SINCE ARMISTICE DAY."]
+
+[Illustration: _The Man (listening to the lark and quoting the poet)._
+"UP WITH ME, UP WITH ME INTO THE CLOUDS."
+
+_The Lady_. "OH, JOHN, LET US STAY HERE. I DON'T FEEL IN AN AVIATING
+MOOD TO-DAY."]
+
+[Illustration: _The Spoilt Beauty._ "WHAT ROTTEN LUCK! I SIMPLY
+_DAREN'T_ GO JAZZING WITH THIS BLACK EYE!"]
+
+[Illustration: "THE SCRAP OF PAPER." _Both (mentally)._ "WHAT A FINE
+DRAMATIC SUBJECT THIS WOULD MAKE FOR AN ACADEMY PICTURE!"]
+
+[Illustration: MISS WINNIE WENDOVER SELECTS HER COSTUMES FOR THE NEW
+REVUE. THE CHARMING AND TYPICALLY ENGLISH ACTRESS IN HER DELIGHTFUL
+TURKISH BUNGALOW NEAR STAINES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Billiard-marker (awed by rank of visitor--a foreign
+prince who has joined in a game of pool)._ "SHOULD I CALL 'IM 'YER
+ROYAL 'IGHNESS, SIR, OR 'SPOT YALLER'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAIRIES.
+
+  We have carried our lancer's, hussars and dragoons
+    And tugged in the batteries, columns and trains,
+  On _pave_ that smoked under white summer noons
+    And tracks that washed out under black winter rains.
+
+  We've shivered in standings hock-deep in the mud,
+    With matted tails turned to the drift of the sleet;
+  We've seen the bombs flash and been spattered with blood
+    Of mates as they rolled, belly-ripped, at our feet.
+
+  We've dragged ammunition up shell-smitten tracks,
+    Round bottomless craters, through stump-littered woods;
+  When the waggons broke down took the load on our backs
+    And somehow or other delivered the goods.
+
+  But the dread roads, the red roads will know us no more;
+    Oh, it's England, chum, England for you and for me!
+  The countryfolk wave us as westward we pour
+    Down the jolly white highways that lead to the sea.
+
+  There's a mist of frail blossom adrift in the trees,
+    The Spring song of birds sets the orchards a-thrill;
+  And now on our brows blows the salt Channel breeze,
+    The busy port hums in the lap of the hill.
+
+  So warp out your transports and bear us away
+    From the Yser and Somme, from the Ancre and the Aisne,
+  From fire-blackened deserts of shell-pitted clay,
+    And give us our Chilterns and Cotswolds again.
+
+  Oh, show us old England all silver and gold,
+    With the flame o' the gorse and the flower o' the thorn;
+  We long for lush meadow-lands where we were foaled
+    And boast of great runs with the Belvoir and Quorn.
+
+  The pack-pony dreams of a primrosy combe,
+    A leisurely life in a governess-cart,
+  Plum-cake and a bottle-nosed gardener-groom;
+    The Clyde has a Wensleydale farm in his heart.
+
+  We whinny and frolic, light-headed with bliss,
+    Forgetting leg-weariness, terror and scars;
+  Ye ladies of England, oh, blow a soft kiss
+    To the hairy old horses come home from the wars.
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO-MORROW.
+
+"To-morrow," said the brave young subaltern, "if my Company Commander
+curses my men for having long hair, I'll whip off his own hat and show
+him to be three weeks overdue at the barber's.
+
+"To-morrow, if the Adjutant finds fault with my salute, I'll give him
+a faithful imitation of his own ridiculous ear-flip.
+
+"To-morrow, if the Major strafes me for my handling of the platoon on
+the barrack-square, I'll challenge him to detail 'presenting arms, by
+numbers.'
+
+"To-morrow, if the Colonel checks my men for being slovenly turned out
+on parade, I'll publicly point out to him that the buttons of his own
+pockets are undone and that the ends of his bootlaces are hanging out.
+
+"To-morrow, if the General curses a man for rubbing his nose while
+at attention, I'll openly suggest to him that it is not smart and
+soldierlike to slouch along with one hand in your pocket while
+inspecting the ranks.
+
+"To-morrow, if I get the chance, I'll do all these things. I have put
+off doing them far too long."
+
+So spake the brave young subaltern, knowing full well that he is to be
+demobbed to-day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Tooting hen is laying two eggs a day."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+Then it seems to us that she is quite justified in tooting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LOVING CUP: A PARTING TOAST.
+
+BRITISH LION _(to American Eagle)._ "HERE'S LUCK TO YOU. YOU BROUGHT
+IT TO ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 12th_.--Lord FRENCH'S newspaper revelations were brought
+to the notice of Mr. CHURCHILL, who adduced the cases of the late
+Lords WOLSELEY and ROBERTS as evidence that Field-marshals, when
+unemployed, have always been allowed considerable freedom of
+criticism. The fact that Lord FRENCH is Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland and
+(nominal) Commander-in-Chief of the considerable army employed in that
+country makes no difference; but ordinary serving officers are still
+subject to the Regulations and will take FRENCH leave at their peril.
+
+In the course of a further discussion on milk--prices, about which the
+West Country is still up in arms, Mr. MCCURDY dropped the remark that
+it was impossible to control cream, owing, no doubt, to its notorious
+insurrectionary tendencies; and Colonel WEIGALL removed a load of
+suspicion from some of our minds by the emphatic declaration that "a
+cow was not a pump, of which the supply could be turned off or on as
+one liked."
+
+The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was not very hopeful about the removal
+of the buildings which disfigure the Parks. The most he could say
+was that he was doing his best to get the camouflage school out of
+Kensington Gardens, and let nature have a chance.
+
+_Tuesday, May 13th_.--The Lords defeated the Government by inserting
+in the Ministry of Health Bill a provision that the new Minister
+should have only one Parliamentary Secretary. In vain Lord SANDHURST
+protested that the amendment would tie the PRIME MINISTER'S hands.
+Lord MIDLETON was delighted to think that it would. Lord CREWE
+declared that the creation of minor Ministers was becoming a disease
+(possibly the Ministry of Health will include it among "notifiable"
+epidemics?). Lord BLEDISLOE quoted the old tag about big fleas and
+little fleas. But after all there must be some check to the inveterate
+tendency to somnolence in the public offices.
+
+When the Ways and Communications Bill was before the Commons the
+Minister-Designate buttressed his case with the alarming statement
+that there would be a deficit of one hundred millions this year on the
+working of the railways. Members were therefore surprised to find in
+the Budget that only sixty millions was provided to meet it. Even
+in these days a discrepancy of forty millions does not pass entirely
+unnoticed. When taxed with it, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN said he thought it was
+due to Government traffic not having been allowed for in the original
+calculation, but advised his questioner to ask Sir ERIC GEDDES to
+explain. For some reason--can it be the formidable appearance of the
+GEDDES chin?--Sir JOSEPH WALTON did not seem greatly pleased at the
+prospect.
+
+Like many another Chief Secretary before him, Mr. IAN MACPHERSON, who
+reappeared in the House after a long absence in Ireland, had to
+figure with a scourge in one hand and an olive branch in the other.
+At Question-time he was the stern upholder of law and order, obliged
+within the last few days to suspend a seditious newspaper and to
+surround the Dublin Mansion House with soldiers. A few moments later
+he was moving the Second Reading of a most generous Housing Bill,
+under which Irish Corporations will be enabled to build thousands of
+dwellings largely at the expense of the general taxpayer.
+
+[Illustration: FAILING TO DIFFER.
+
+SIR EDWARD CARSON AND MR. DEVLIN.]
+
+In his warm welcome to the measure Sir EDWARD CARSON revealed a side
+of his character not often seen, except by his personal friends.
+He was so sympathetic to the needs of the Irish working-classes, so
+eloquent upon the benefits to health, sobriety and contentment that
+good houses would secure, and so insistent upon the necessity of
+making the new dwellings beautiful as well as useful, that Mr. DEVLIN
+could do little more than say "ditto to Mr. BURKE."
+
+_Wednesday, May 16th_.--Those persons, at home and abroad, who persist
+in regarding the British as universal land-grabbers will please note
+that Spitsbergen, despite the undoubted fact that an Englishman landed
+there three centuries ago, leaves us cold. Although no direct response
+was made to Mr. ASHLEY'S suggestion that the future of the island
+should be referred to the Coal Commission, it is widely felt that if
+Mr. SMILLIE and Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY would volunteer to explore its
+possibilities they would be doing the country signal service.
+
+The drawbacks of having the Leadership of the Opposition in commission
+were further exemplified when Sir DONALD MACLEAN in his most
+impressive manner asked for a day to discuss Lord FRENCH'S
+communications to the Press. Mr. BONAR LAW inquired if he desired to
+move a Vote of Censure in his capacity as Leader of the Opposition.
+"No, no," shouted the supporters of the rival claimants, Mr. ADAMSON
+and Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT. Whereupon Sir DONALD altered his tone and
+mildly observed that he only wanted to clear up a constitutional
+point.
+
+The debate on Mr. HARTSHORN'S motion regarding the state of Ireland
+was unique of its kind in that not a single Member representing an
+Irish constituency took the floor; but in spite of that it produced
+more heat than light. Both the mover and the seconder (Mr. SEXTON)
+were rich in denunciation of the present Government of Ireland,
+but poverty-stricken in suggestions for its improvement. Lord HENRY
+BENTINCK seized the opportunity to make final recantation of his
+Unionist principles, but in default of more practical proposals was
+reduced to imploring the people of Ulster "to show some spirit of
+compromise;" and Lord HUGH CECIL in a despairing moment declared that
+he would sooner see three-fourths of Ireland independent than the
+whole of it presented with a form of Home Rule which no Irishman
+desired. After that one appreciated Sir KEITH ERASER'S remark, that
+during four years' soldiering in Ireland he had only met one man who
+understood the Irish Question, and he was an Englishman who had only
+been there a week!
+
+_Thursday, May 15th_.--The intelligent foreigner who should try to
+disentangle the causes of Egyptian unrest from the speeches delivered
+in both Houses this afternoon will be rather puzzled. From Captain
+WEDGWOOD BENN in the Commons he would learn that it was due to the
+ineptitude of the British Administration, the ill-treatment of the
+natives by the Army of Occupation, and in particular the unsympathetic
+attitude adopted by Lord CURZON towards the Nationalist leaders,
+one of whom, according to Captain BENN, "held in Egypt a position
+comparable with that of Mr. Speaker here." Across the corridor at the
+very same moment Lord CURZON was asserting that Egypt was enjoying
+extraordinary material prosperity, that the British soldiery had
+shown wonderful restraint in very trying circumstances and that the
+Government had not the least desire to repress Egyptian individuality
+(when not too exuberant, of course) or deny to natives an
+ever-increasing share in the administration of their country. They
+would have been quite ready to listen to ZAGHLUL and his friends if
+they had not begun by demanding the complete disappearance of British
+rule. The intelligent foreigner will probably come to the conclusion
+that Egypt is very like Ireland--except that it has no Ulster.
+
+General SEELY gave a fairly plausible explanation of the apparently
+wanton destruction of new aeroplanes that is going on at Farnborough
+and elsewhere. Owing to the rapid progress in aviation they were
+already obsolete for military purposes before they were delivered.
+They are quite unsuitable for civilian use, and are therefore being
+"reduced to produce"--a euphemism for "scrapped."
+
+Mr. SHORTT was not in his place, but the interests of the Home
+Department did not suffer in the hands of the Under-Secretary. Sir
+HAMAR GEEENWOOD rattles out his replies with the speed and accuracy
+of a machine-gun, and has a neat formula for dealing with
+"supplementaries": "All these further Questions are covered by my
+original answer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But in course of time sympathetic Americans and the other
+    tribes will be searching the ruins of burned-out passions
+    and agonies, armed with the rewritten Badaeker or its Allied
+    equivalent."--_Manchester Guardian_.
+
+The re-writing seems to have begun already.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Muzzled One_. "TAKE MY TIP, YOUNG FELLER, AND HOP
+IT--_QUICK_. THERE'S A COPPER COMING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE MUSICAL RECONSTRUCTION.
+
+_(By our Special Reporter, who is also busy with the Coal
+Commission.)_
+
+At the three hundred and seventeenth sitting of the Musical
+Reconstruction Commission Mr. Justice Bland, the President, said he
+felt sure he would be voicing the feelings of all present in tendering
+his congratulations to Sir Leonardo Spaghetti Coyne on his elevation
+to the peerage as Viscount Vermicelli of Milan, and to Mr. Gladney
+Jebb on receiving the honour of K.P.O. (Knight of the Proletarian
+Order).
+
+A memorandum on the economics of the Russian Ballet and the probable
+cost of its reorganisation on a Marxian basis was read by Mr.
+Ploffskin of the Garden City Gymnosophist Guild. By a scheme for a
+uniform salary for all dancers, compulsory vegetarian diet, and the
+exclusive use of the balalaika, Mr. Ploffskin was of opinion that
+a Bolshevist Ballet might be safely organised so as to satisfy the
+artistic aspirations of the proletariat and counteract the pernicious
+influences of the pseudo-Ethiopian style affected by the idle rich.
+
+Examined by Sir Edwin Edgar, O.M., Mr. Ploffskin admitted that none of
+the famous Russian composers of recent years had associated themselves
+with the Revolutionary movement, and that the Russian Ballet had
+originally been an integral part of the Imperial Opera. But he had no
+doubt that on a proper proletarian basis it would function with a
+far more beneficent activity. He pointed out that there was a strong
+facial resemblance between TROTSKY and M. PADEREWSKI, and between
+LENIN and BEETHOVEN. In reply to a question from Mr. Moody MacTear,
+Mr. Ploffskin said that he had been down a coal-mine in Siberia.
+
+Sir Mark Holloway, who next occupied the witness's chair, admitted,
+in reply to the questions of Sir Gladney Jebb, that, since his student
+days, he had seldom been engaged in manual labour on any instrument
+for more than two hours a day. It was not necessary for a conductor.
+But he knew of pianists who practised for six or even eight hours a
+day with impunity.
+
+_Sir Gladney Jebb_. Do you not think that if all compositions were
+written in the key of C it would materially conduce to the greatest
+happiness of the greatest number?--The President has already
+deprecated the multiplication of hypothetical questions, which have
+reached a total of more than fifteen thousand.
+
+_Viscount Vermicelli_. Do you think that the unrestrained performance
+of Jazz-music conduces to the moral betterment of the simian
+proletariat?--That seems to me to be a question which bears on the
+administration of the Unnecessary Noises Act.
+
+Are you in favour of the establishment of a Ministry for the Control
+of Syncopation?--No; but I would cordially support a Bill for the
+Compulsory Segregation of Irresponsible Collectivists.
+
+In reply to Mr. Moody MacTear, Sir Mark Holloway said that he had
+never been down a coal-mine, but that he had a few shares in a
+gold-mine, which had cost him five pounds a-piece, but had never borne
+any dividends and were now quoted at one-and-sixpence.
+
+The next witness, Dame Frisca, the famous Californian singer, was
+subjected to a remarkably severe examination by Mr. Moody MacTear.
+
+_Mr. Moody MacTear_. Do you consider that the assumption of the title
+_prima donna_ is compatible with democratic principles?--I never
+assumed it; it was bestowed on me by the free suffrages of the musical
+world.
+
+_Mr. MacTear_. Then you admit that you possess it. Are you prepared
+to submit proof of your title to the Commission?--Certainly; but it
+would probably mean bringing forty van-loads of press-cuttings and
+cause considerable congestion of traffic.
+
+_Mr. MacTear_. Is it not the case that the _prima donna_ has been
+condemned by the best musical critics as an obsolete anachronism,
+tending to perpetuate the abuses of the "star" system and to foster
+breaches of the Decalogue and to enhance the soloist at the expense
+of the chorus?--I believe that WAGNER held the view expressed in the
+opening part of your question, but he was unable to get on without
+her, wrote a famous address to the Star of Eve, and gave the chorus
+practically nothing to do in many of his operas.
+
+_Mr. MacTear_. Is it not the case that the operatic tenor has been
+pronounced on good authority to be not a man but a disease?--The
+authority was a German conductor, who was presumably speaking of
+German tenors.
+
+_Mr. MacTear_. Have you ever been down a coal-mine?--No; but I was
+presented with a diamond brooch by the diggers of Kimberley.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAKERLOONACY.
+
+    This is a song of the Tube--
+            Let us begin it
+  By cursing the furies who fight and who bite ev'ry night
+            To get in it;
+  The folk who see red and who tread on the dead
+        And climb over the slain,
+  And who step on your face in the race for a place
+            In the train.
+
+            The pack!
+        The wolves who attack,
+  Attempting to kill you until you
+        Fall flat on your back;
+  The tigers who tear at your-hair and who swear
+        As they tread on your neck,
+  Leaving you battered, bespattered and shattered,
+        An absolute wreck.
+
+          From these sharks,
+        These mild-looking typists and clerks,
+  May Heaven defend you. They'll rend you--up-end you
+          (I carry the marks),
+  This meek-looking, sleek-looking, weak-looking clique
+        With the Bolshevist brains
+  Inflamed at the thought that they ought to have caught
+        Much earlier trains.
+
+            Mourn
+        For the hat that is flat
+  And the collar of which you were shorn.
+    Shed a tear for the dear little ear that you had
+  And the bags which to rags have been torn.
+  Weep for the fellow who tried but who died at your side
+        As the tide swept along.
+  He was a victim. They tricked him and kicked him to death,
+        Though he'd done them no wrong.
+
+        This is a Song of the Tube.
+            A ballad of sorrow,
+  A grey sort of lay of To-day and a greyer To-morrow;
+  A dismal, abysmal, chaotic, neurotic Creation
+  Of one who was done after running a mile
+            To the station.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Munitionaire_. "I THINK I'LL MAKE A BID FOR THAT CHAP,
+MARIA, FOR A HALL-MAT AND STAIR-CARPET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of the Coal Commission:--
+
+    "The next witness was Lord Dynevor. He said he had 8,270 acres
+    of coal land in Carmarthenshire. His interest in the estate
+    came to the family through one of three collieresses."
+
+Even Mr. SMILLIE would admit that that ought to constitute an absolute
+title.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE IMPENDING APOLOGIES.
+
+From a bookseller's advertisement:
+
+    "NEW FICTION.
+
+    Reason and Belief--By Sir Oliver Lodge.
+
+    Man and the Universe--By Sir Oliver Lodge.
+
+    The Great Crusade--By Right Hon. D.
+
+    Lloyd George."--_Canadian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was essential for Great Britain that France should
+    emerge from this war strong and able to defend herself. The
+    recognition of this fact explains the change of British policy
+    at Pars during the Wonference of Peace."--_The Times_.
+
+We like the new title for the victors' conclave, but do not care so
+much for the unusual spelling of the French capital, though it may
+have been adopted in deference to American prejudices.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DIAMOND-CUT-DIAMOND."
+
+This is to warn all honest men to beware of No. 007 Field
+Company, R.E., known to its victims as "Chaucer's Gang," the most
+conscienceless crew of body-snatchers and common thieves in all the
+B.E.F.
+
+I am myself no fastidious precisian, being in a Labour Company, but
+there are limits--or should be. My own particular grouch against them
+started at Ripilly-sur-Somme. They, being skilled Royal Engineers,
+were clearing undergrowth and putting up huts in Ripilly woods for a
+division due to arrive, and my scorned rabble were unloading the huts
+in sections from barges at Ripilly canal wharf and loading them on to
+lorries for transport to the woods. Chaucer and his Royal Engineers
+were living on the spot--Ardennes waving o'er them her green leaves
+and so forth--and we were in rest billets (loud roars of raucous
+laughter) in Ripilly village, the least sanitary spot in the whole war
+zone.
+
+Chaucer wouldn't let us stay with him in the huts--said the Chief
+Engineer was very keen on men living next their work. But between
+Ripilly and the canal wharf was an ideal spot. The chalk downs sloped
+steeply to the river, and halfway down was a bit of a level plateau
+just the size for a couple of huts. South aspect; good fishing and
+bathing; a home from home. The woods hid it from view above and the
+roadside poplars from below. It was a truly desirable building site.
+
+We had a hurdle-maker in our company, so I gave him a brace of
+light-duty men as apprentices and they built a little hut of wattle
+and daub. It had a nice rural appearance and was warm, but it leaked
+in wet weather, and the more I thought of Chaucer lying dry under his
+felt roofs the worse I felt about it. So I had a chat with my sergeant
+at the wharf, and the long and short of it was that two walls and one
+roof got delivered by mistake at the desirable building-site.
+
+We worked late that night, and next day had thirty men in residence,
+with one end of the long hut partitioned off for Simmonds, my
+subaltern, and myself.
+
+So far so good. I began to think about making another mistake and
+getting a second hut, but that evening Chaucer came sliding down over
+the steep turf, visibly annoyed.
+
+"Where did you get this hut?"
+
+"Found it."
+
+"On Ripilly wharf?"
+
+"Certainly not. I found it down there by the road and had it brought
+up here for safety. If a lorry had run over it in the dark--"
+
+"Ah, cut it out," he said. "The hut is mine. I found two odd sections
+in the last barge-load. Any poacher who knew his job would burn the
+feathers when he cooked the bird. You needn't start to explain about
+your fool N.C.O., who made a mistake. I keep that sort of N.C.O.
+myself. _If_ I get an official inquiry about this hut I shall send
+back official information."
+
+"Right-o! Then come in and have a drink, and don't be official before
+you need."
+
+That's where I was wrong. I tried to enlist the blighter's sympathy.
+Showed him round camp, the view, the bathing--everything. When
+Simmonds came up from the river with a string of roach Chaucer
+admitted it was a truly _bon_ billet.
+
+Next day he called again with one of his subalterns, a creature called
+Gubson, who went down to the river to watch Simmonds fish. When he had
+gone Chaucer told me he had a spare hut.
+
+"Not one of these divisional huts, but a thing we knocked up
+ourselves. We've nearly finished our job here, and if it's any use to
+you you can have it. But mind you, I know nothing about this other hut
+you've got here. If you're caught with that one your blood be on your
+own head."
+
+"You're a Christian," I told him, and, Gubson and Simmonds returning,
+the conference had a drink and adjourned.
+
+Next day I found quite a squad of light-duty men, and sent 'em to
+dismantle and bring down Chaucer's hut. I admit they rather exceeded
+instructions, for they brought a lot of things that Chaucer had
+omitted to mention. However, they said he was there when they took
+them, so I supposed it was all right. Besides the hut they had two
+bell-tents, a big tarpaulin, some corrugated iron and expanded metal,
+some home-made chairs and tables, a water-tank and a field kitchen,
+with its wheels broken off--a noble lot of loot it was. They worked
+like beavers bringing it down and getting it in place, and when
+Chaucer drifted down again at the end of the week all my men were
+housed there as snug as you please. Finally Gubson presented the camp
+with a punt he had salved in Sailly village--and there we were, all
+the pleasures of the Riviera and none of the disreputable company.
+
+We were so pleased with all they had done for us that we suggested
+they should stay the night and celebrate the occasion. Chaucer said
+he would be delighted, if we would send to his batman and tell him
+to bring down his razor and toothbrush. At midnight, when the batman
+arrived, Chaucer said it was time for bed. And could we give his man
+a shake-down, please? It was pretty dark, he said, and the fool might
+lose his way home.
+
+That should have warned me. Chaucer wasn't the man to keep a batman
+who was a fool.
+
+It must have been about 3 A.M. when I was waked by my man helping
+Chaucer dress.
+
+"What's the matter?"
+
+"Your fellow says my man's ill."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"I dunno, Sir," my man said. "'E 's groanin' an' rollin' about an'
+keepin' all us others awake."
+
+When I got to the men's hut I found Chaucer kneeling beside the sick
+man, who was holding his head and groaning. All the other men were
+sitting up and looking on. After a minute or two Chaucer got up and
+beckoned me outside.
+
+"Look here," he said, "I don't want to scare you, but suppose that
+chap's got anything infectious. Is there a doctor handy?
+
+"Nowhere nearer than Sailly."
+
+"Well, Gubson tells me they were expecting the M.O. at our camp today.
+He may have stayed the night. Can you send somebody up to see?"
+
+I sent off an orderly at once, and in half-an-hour a young doctor
+arrived, and ordered all the other men out of the hut. Then he pulled
+a gaudy handkerchief out of his pocket, sprinkled it with some stuff
+out of a small phial, tied it over his mouth and only then began to
+fiddle about the sick man, feeling his pulse and sounding him.
+
+Then he got up, readjusted his handkerchief-respirator and mumbled
+that it was cerebro-spinal-something. Spotted fever.
+
+We all got out of that hut in double-quick time, believe me. The
+doctor was full of orders--half a hundred things to do at once. The
+man must be strictly isolated. All the contacts--every blessed man who
+had been in the hut with him--must be placed under supervision. The
+hut must be put out of bounds. And when he found half the men had gone
+under the tarpaulin shelter he put that out of bounds too.
+
+We were a full hour trying to separate the contacts; but when the
+doctor found the cook getting breakfast ready and heard he had been in
+the sick man's hut he threw his hand in.
+
+"I won't answer for a single one of you," he said; "the place is
+no better than a pest-house. Throw that breakfast away. It's sheer
+poison. Clear out, all of you."
+
+It was Chaucer started the panic. I saw him sneaking away up the
+slope, so I thought it better to make a move too. I didn't ask the
+doctor where we were to go; he'd have had us all sleeping out on the
+open grass for a week if I had. So the whole lot of us, half asleep,
+trekked back to Ripilly village and turned into our old billets again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was my Sergeant-Major who told me next day that Chaucer and his
+gang had taken possession of the Riviera--my Riviera. I went there at
+once, to find out what it all meant, but they had a sentry at the foot
+of the slope, who said the camp was infected and no one was allowed
+there; so I climbed the slopes and looked down from above. Chaucer was
+smoking outside my pet hut talking to a couple of his subalterns, and
+a string of men was lined up beside the field kitchen for tea. Close
+by, the batman, recovered from his illness, was putting a fishing-rod
+together, and one of the subalterns blew his nose on a gaudy
+handkerchief which I recognised at once.
+
+I went straight back and told the Town Major of Ripilly that one of
+the new divisional huts was being occupied by the Sappers. It wasn't
+cricket, but it was all I could do.
+
+"That's all right," he said. "Chaucer's acting as divisional R.E. He's
+entitled to one hut. He told me he had been arranging for you to erect
+it for him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES.
+
+_Mother_. "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, DARLING?"
+
+_Small daughter (tearfully)_. "OH, MUMS, I DO SO WANT TO GIVE THIS
+WORM TO MY HEN."
+
+_Mother_. "THEN WHY DON'T YOU?"
+
+_Small daughter (with renewed wails)_. " C-COS I'M SO AFRAID THE WORM
+WON'T LIKE IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR PESSIMISTS.
+
+    "Applications are invited from properly qualified persons for
+    the position of Medical Officer of Health....
+
+    The appointment will be from the 1st July, 1919, for the
+    duration of the War."--_Advt. in Local Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Chicks, day old; ready Saturday."--_Advt. in Local Paper_.
+
+It looks like a case of counting before they are hatched.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE KEY TO FAIRYLAND.
+
+  The trees have magic doorways
+    Down into Fairy-land,
+  Yet nobody, but only me,
+    Has time to understand
+  That if _we_ knew the magic,
+    If _we_ could work it too,
+  We could creep down to Fairy-town
+    And do as fairies do.
+
+  The keys are four-leaved clovers;
+    They're not so hard to get--
+  Just creep about and search them out,
+    And don't mind getting wet;
+  But oh! I wish the fairies
+    Weren't _quite_ so secrety;
+  I've tried and tried, but _still_ they hide
+    The key-holes for each key.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM GRAVE TO GAY.
+
+    "The Burial Board resolved that tenders be obtained from the
+    various bands in the district with a view to holding concerts
+    in the Queen's Gardens during the summer months."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"CYRANO" MOVES TO DRURY LANE.
+
+SIR THOMAS BEECHAM, having been translated to another place, has made
+way for _Cyrano_ and his nose, which now finds more room to turn round
+in. I had not seen Mr. LORAINE on the more congested stage of the
+Garrick. Indeed the last time that I assisted at M. ROSTAND'S play was
+some twenty years ago in the South of France. It happened that there
+had recently been a vogue of Musketeer plays in England. Behind my
+seat was a British Baronet (a recent creation) for whom the French
+language had little or no meaning. The first and only sign of
+intelligence that he showed was well on in the performance, at the
+words, "_Qui est ce monsieur?" "C'est D'Artagnan." (D'Artagnan_ then
+disappears altogether).
+
+"Another of these damned Musketeer plays," said the Bart.; "I'm off!"
+And he went.
+
+I am not sure that, even in English, it would have been just the play
+for his taste; but that London has plenty of people who can appreciate
+it may be seen by the way in which Mr. LORAINE can hold the great
+auditorium under the spell of its romance. Without an effort he
+endears to us the defects of his hero's Quixotic qualities, and makes
+his very deformity contribute to the triumph of his heroic _panache_.
+Even such of the poet's prolixities as survive a very careful pruning
+of the text are made to seem essential to the self-expression of
+character.
+
+Mr. LORAINE is happy in his book, for the clever rendering made by
+Miss GLADYS THOMAS and Miss MARY GUILLEMARD reproduces both the spirit
+and the letter of the poem. And from his cast he gets all the support
+that he needs. True, he needs very little. He fills the stage, and
+the other characters--notably the colourless _Christian de
+Neuvillette_--are little more than his foils. Miss STELLA CAMPBELL, as
+_Roxane_, failed, at times, to convey a sense of overwhelming passion
+either for the body of _Christian_ or the soul which she imagined it
+to contain; but she was always a gracious figure and her voice was
+gentle. Perhaps Mr. LORAINE owed most to his scenic artists, Messrs.
+DULAC and JOHN BULL, who gave of their best. There was attraction too
+in the very names of Arras and Bapaume, as well as in the thought of
+the part that our _Cyrano_ of to-day has played against a ruder
+foe than the Spaniard. And was I wrong in tracing a hint of other
+experiences gained at the front, when Mr. LORAINE nearly turned up his
+false nose at the mention of "military wit."
+
+The part offers little scope for humour. _Cyrano_, with all his
+generous impulses, is too self-conscious for that. But in each of his
+moods and phases--bravado, sacrifice, acceptance of the inexorable
+pathos of things--Mr. LORAINE had got at the heart of the man. A very
+brave and inspiring performance.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHERE YOU BIN THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT?"
+
+"I'VE BIN AT ME UNION, CONSIDERIN' THIS 'ERE STRIKE."
+
+"WELL--YOU CAN STAY DOWN THERE AN' CONSIDER THIS 'ERE LOCK-OUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW HISTORY IS WRITTEN.
+
+From reports of Mr. ASQUITH'S speech at Newcastle:--
+
+    "He [Lord French] has taken an unusual, and I think an
+    unfortunate, course (cheers), giving to the world at this
+    stage what must be an _ex parte_ narrative of what happened
+    under his command."--_Times_.
+
+"He has taken an unusual, and as I take it, an unfortunate course in
+giving to the world what must of necessity be an expert narrative of
+what happened under his command."--_Daily Herald_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BEAUTY IN HOUSE BUILDING.
+
+    LET US LOOK AS THOUGH WE HAD WON THE WAR."--_Daily Mirror_.
+
+Who said we hadn't?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DAY.
+
+At last the great day has arrived; in less than half an hour I shall
+be at the church. Heavens! what excitement. And yet I suppose most
+girls have had to undergo the ordeal, if one may so describe it, at
+some period of their life.
+
+The magic church is not far distant and from my room I can hear the
+merry pealing of the bells. In the garden the birds are singing as
+they have never sung before. Truly life is a beautiful poem on such a
+day as this.
+
+But I have really little time to dwell on these things, for am I
+not the centre of creation itself, the hub around which the whole
+household revolves in one wild bewildering whirl of ecstasy? How can
+one think when one is surrounded by a triumphant mother, a couple
+of adoring and not envious sisters, a critical brother and a doting
+father?
+
+But then why should I think? Why use my brain at all when all the
+thinking that needs to be thought is being thought for me? Goodness,
+how my poor head reels. If only I could sleep. Ah, yes, that is what
+I could almost wish for at this moment--sweet, soothing, refreshing
+sleep.
+
+But it is not to be; the house is just a great tearing pandemonium of
+joy. Hark! What's that? A motor horn? Yes, yes, a taxi is at the gate.
+Now another has glided forward and waits expectantly for the central
+figure--myself.
+
+"Well, darling," murmurs my father, "it's high time we were off.
+Wouldn't do to be late today, you know." And he laughs proudly.
+
+Can I describe the journey to the church? I can, but I will spare you.
+Enough to say that I carry myself with dignity. Whether I do so in the
+vast solemn atmosphere of the church I am unable to say, though I will
+confess to a feeling almost of awe.
+
+In deep silence we move down the aisle. The service begins. Can I
+repeat it? I fear not. But one passage there is which stands out
+prominently from the rest. It is in the form of a demand made by the
+clergyman. Looking steadily at my father, he exclaims:--
+
+    "_Name this child_."
+
+I am roused to a fresh interest, and with fast-beating heart I await
+my father's answer. It comes as a bombshell to my sensitive ears:--
+
+    "_Armisticia Beatty Zeebrugge!_"
+
+And I believed that only Germans could wage war on helpless babes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPRING-TIME IN THE OFFICE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+Books dealing with life at the Front have naturally somewhat slackened
+in volume of late. Perhaps this accounts for some part of my interest
+in _Pushed and the Return Push_ (BLACKWOOD). But more must be put down
+to the lure of the subject, and most of all to the admirable way in
+which the writer, who chooses to be known as "QUEX," has dealt
+with it. Briefly, the book is a record of the two great sensational
+movements of 1918, and of the writer's experiences as an officer of
+an Artillery Brigade in the retreat forced upon the Fifth Army by the
+break through of the Germans on March 21st, and subsequently in the
+return push which broke the Hindenburg Lino and ended the War.
+The publishers say that this is the only account yet written by a
+participator in these happenings; I hardly think that any will appear
+more vivid and moving. The amazing sequence of the events with which
+it deals gives to the book the thrill of arranged drama, in which
+disaster is balanced by the triumphant ending. However unskilfully
+told, such a history could hardly fail of its effect; by good fortune,
+however, it finds in "QUEX" a chronicler able to do it justice. Simply
+and without apparent effort he conveys the suspense of the days before
+the attack (a couple of chapters here are as breathlessly exciting as
+anything that I have yet read in the literature of the War), the
+long trial of the retreat, and finally the retaliation and the
+ever-quickening rush forward from victory to victory that makes last
+autumn seem like an age of miracles. It is essentially a soldier's
+story, at times technical, throughout filled with the unflurried
+all-in-the-day's-work philosophy that upheld our armies in every
+change of fortune. For many reasons a volume that should find its
+place in any collection of the smaller histories of the Great War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Until I had very nearly reached the end of _The Cormorant_ (MELROSE)
+I could not, though I tried, make up my mind as to which of three
+possible claimants was filling the title-role. When I did discover the
+"Cormorant's" identity with a fourth person quite unsuspected, I found
+myself just a little inclined to wonder whether perhaps the authoress
+had not had the mystification of her readers as her real aim when she
+chose her title, and merely introduced a pleasant American, who called
+people names with a sincerity few of us would dare to imitate, in
+order to justify her choice. But all the same I am not going to tell
+her secret here, for I feel that much will be added to the interest of
+a very pleasant book if readers will pause long enough at the end of
+chapter sixteen to try to "spot" the "Cormorant" and--as I hope and
+believe--guess wrong. Miss ANN (or ANNE, for her publishers seem to
+be in two minds about it) WEAVER has compounded her tale from the
+somewhat ordinary ingredients of a heroine, as aggressively red-haired
+as only red-haired heroines can be; a philandering but finally
+faithful hero; a worthless but charming married man, and a number of
+less important people, many of whom are well drawn, though I think
+that I have met that scheming and malicious French maid before. _The
+Cormorant's_ lines are chiefly laid in country houses of the more
+delightful sort and the story is well told. When Miss WEAVER invents a
+more distinguished plot she should do something very good indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HORACE BLEACKLEY'S _Anymoon_ (LANE) is a reasonably diverting
+because superbly improbable account of England under the new Socialist
+Commonwealth, with _Joseph Anymoon_, a highly popular Cockney
+plebeian, as President. Follows an era of feminist control and a
+Bolshevist revolution contrived by one _Cohen_ (with the authentic
+properties, "Crimson Guards" and purple morality), and finally the
+Restoration through the loyalist Navy, the complacent _Anymoon_
+consoling himself with the reflection that if he was a failure as
+CROMWELL he can at least be a success as General MONK. Perhaps the
+wilder critics of the present order have no reason to complain
+if their impatient generalisations are marshalled, however
+disingenuously, against them. But the judicious folk of every school
+who are now trying to take their bearings may wonder if much is to be
+gained by putting up and knocking down such flimsy figures of straw.
+Mr. HAROLD COX contributes a rather too solemn preface, which labels
+this otherwise irresponsible novel as a serious tract. I rather think
+that the engaging spectacle of the biographer of WILKES and the editor
+of _The Edinburgh_ (the author of _The New Republic_ surely somewhere
+in the offing) crouching among the headstones with a candle in a
+hollow turnip will make a certain appeal to those with a sense of
+humour and proportion ... The others may like it even better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing could be more attractive than the central idea of _The Love
+Spinner_ (METHUEN), which is to tell the war-time adventures of a
+little old lady--the good fairy of her circle--whose interest in
+the heart-affairs of her friends wins her this pleasant if slightly
+sentimental title. But, ungrateful as is the task of breaking so
+innocent a butterfly upon the wheel of criticism, I'm afraid I must
+add that I think Miss CLARA TURNBULL has hardly carried out her
+purpose with sufficient discrimination. In plain fact she has allowed
+her sympathies to run away with her. Such a character as _Miss
+Jessie_, who goes about doing good, and producing incidentally the
+most benevolent reactions in confirmed misanthropes, demands to be
+handled with the nicest care if sentimentality is to be avoided. Let
+me put it that Miss TURNBULL has not always been entirely successful
+in this respect. Thus, despite some agreeable scenes, the book remains
+one for the unsophisticated, or for those whose appetite for fictional
+glucose is robust. There is not very much that can be called plot;
+what there is concerns itself with the fortunes of _Miss Jessie's_
+tenants, the chief objects of her ministrations. In the end an
+air-raid, of which the details are surely unusual, provides _Miss
+Jessie_ with the opportunity for a deed of heroism that I am still
+trying to visualize (her nephew had thrown her down and was protecting
+her body with his own; but the heroine, seeing this, changed places
+with her defender "between the flash of the shell's impact and the
+explosion") and finishes, with an appropriately tearful death-scene, a
+tale that would have been improved by more restraint in the telling.
+
+In _The Thunderbolt_ (UNWIN) _Georgina Bonham_, at home and amongst
+her intimates, delighted in small-talk. It flowed in an unceasing
+stream, particularly when _Dr. Rayke_, her chief adviser and
+confidant, came to tea and ate his favourite currant-and-sultana cake.
+Everything, in fact, prepares you for one of the tamest of all tame
+novels, when suddenly the "Thunderbolt" of the title remembers its
+attributes and bursts from a clear sky. Thenceforward Mr. GEORGE
+COLMORE'S book is of a particularly painful character. For the horrors
+which here accumulate on horror's head I find no adequate excuse, even
+though the villain of the story is a German.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Blanche Maddison_, the heroine of _The Obstinate Lady_ (HUTCHINSON),
+might without any excess of rudeness be called pig-headed. With her
+case in my mind let me advise women who have married disgusting men
+to seek whatever shelter the law may give them rather than adopt her
+persistently cold and aloof manner. I hardly wonder that her husband
+found her a little exasperating. We all know Mr. W.E. NORRIS as a
+novelist who can be trusted not only to tell an intriguing story,
+but also to construct it irreproachably. But here, I think, he has
+penalised himself with the materials he has chosen. However he sets
+bravely to work to wipe off his handicap, and very nearly succeeds. If
+I cannot credit him with complete success it is because the subsidiary
+tale of love which he gives us is really too anaemic. Yet I can
+conceive of people so fed up with the makers of blood-heat fiction
+that Mr. NORRIS'S lukewarm method will afford them a pleasant change.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+However cleverly Mr. WILLIAM CAINE may treat his theme, _The Wife
+Who Came Alive_ (JENKINS) is only another version of the antiquated
+mother-in-law business. _Doll Brackett_ was a beautiful American girl,
+and if she had not been idiotically idolised by her mother and could
+have realised the difference between pounds and pence she might
+have made an excellent wife for _George March_, of Hampstead,
+portrait-painter. _Mrs. Brackett_ was not actively hostile to this
+marriage, but after losing her fortune she began to disapprove of
+the economy which _March_ preached and tried in vain to practise.
+Persuaded that her idol was no longer becomingly enshrined, she
+proceeded to make trouble between husband and wife, and they
+separated. Then followed a very lean time both for _Mrs. Brackett_
+and her daughter, until at last the former made such an outrageous
+proposal that _Doll_ came to her senses. You will easily believe that
+this sort of subject offers no very favourable outlet for Mr. CAINE'S
+particular gifts, but the confidential style in which he tells
+the story is distinctly engaging, and as a warning to foolish
+mothers-in-law it is something more than adequate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bus Conductor_. "ANYBODY WANT THE ALBERT 'ALL?"
+
+_Weary Househunter (absent-mindedly)._ "IT'S RATHER LARGE, BUT PERHAPS
+I MIGHT BE ALLOWED TO SUB-LET A PART."]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, May 21, 1919., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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