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diff --git a/old/1222.txt b/old/1222.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..622009b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1222.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1984 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Cobb's Anatomy, by Irvin S. Cobb + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Cobb's Anatomy + +Author: Irvin S. Cobb + +Posting Date: August 15, 2008 [EBook #1222] +Release Date: February, 1998 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COBB'S ANATOMY *** + + + + +Produced by Kirk Pearson + + + + + +COBB'S ANATOMY + +By Irvin S. Cobb + + + To G. H. L. + + Who stood godfather to these contents + + + + +Preface + +This Space To-Let to Any Reputable Party Desiring a Good Preface + + + +Contents + + I. Tummies + II. Teeth + III. Hair + IV. Hands and feet + + + + +TUMMIES + + +Dr. Woods Hutchinson says that fat people are happier than other people. +How does Dr. Woods Hutchinson know? Did he ever have to leave the two +top buttons of his vest unfastened on account of his extra chins? Has +the pressure from within against the waistband where the watchfob is +located ever been so great in his case that he had partially to undress +himself to find out what time it was? Does he have to take the tailor's +word for it that his trousers need pressing? + +He does not. And that sort of a remark is only what might be +expected from any person upward of seven feet tall and weighing about +ninety-eight pounds with his heavy underwear on. I shall freely take Dr. +Woods Hutchinson's statements on the joys and ills of the thin. But when +he undertakes to tell me that fat people are happier than thin +people, it is only hearsay evidence with him and decline to accept his +statements unchallenged. He is going outside of his class. He is, as you +might say, no more than an innocent bystander. Whereas I am a qualified +authority. + +I will admit that at one stage of my life, I regarded fleshiness as a +desirable asset. The incident came about in this way. There was a circus +showing in our town and a number of us proposed to attend it. It was +one of those one-ring, ten-cent circuses that used to go about over the +country, and it is my present recollection that all of us had funds laid +by sufficient to buy tickets; but if we could procure admission in the +regular way we felt it would be a sinful waste of money to pay our way +in. + +With this idea in mind we went scouting round back of the main tent to a +comparatively secluded spot, and there we found a place where the canvas +side-wall lifted clear of the earth for a matter of four or five inches. +We held an informal caucus to decide who should should go first. +The honor lay between two of us--between the present writer, who +was reasonably skinny, and another boy, named Thompson, who was +even skinnier. He won, as the saying is, on form. It was decided by +practically a unanimous vote, he alone dissenting, that he should crawl +under and see how the land lay inside. If everything was all right he +would make it known by certain signals and we would then follow, one by +one. + +Two of us lifted the canvas very gently and this Thompson boy started +to wriggle under. He was about halfway in when--zip!--like a flash he +bodily vanished. He was gone, leaving only the marks where his toes had +gouged the soil. Startled, we looked at one another. There was something +peculiar about this. Here was a boy who had started into a circus tent +in a circumspect, indeed, a highly cautious manner, and then finished +the trip with undue and sudden precipitancy. It was more than +peculiar--it bordered upon the uncanny. It was sinister. Without a word +having been spoken we decided to go away from there. + +Wearing expressions of intense unconcern and sterling innocence upon our +young faces we did go away from there and drifted back in the general +direction of the main entrance. We arrived just in time to meet our +young friend coming out. He came hurriedly, using his hands and his +feet both, his feet for traveling and his hands for rubbing purposes. +Immediately behind him was a large, coarse man using language that +stamped him as a man who had outgrown the spirit of youth and was +preeminently out of touch with the ideals and aims of boyhood. + +At that period it seemed to me and to the Thompson boy, who was moved to +speak feelingly on the subject, and in fact to all of us, that excessive +slimness might have its drawbacks. Since that time several of us have +had occasion to change our minds. With the passage of years we have +fleshened up, and now we know better. The last time I saw the Thompson +boy he was known as Excess-Baggage Thompson. His figure in profile +suggested a man carrying a roll-top desk in his arms and his face looked +like a face that had refused to jell and was about to run down on his +clothes. He spoke longingly of the days of his youth and wondered if the +shape of his knees had changed much since the last time he saw them. + +Yes sir, no matter what Doctor Hutchinson says, I contend that the slim +man has all the best of it in this world. The fat man is the universal +goat; he is humanity's standing joke. Stomachs are the curse of our +modern civilization. When a man gets a stomach his troubles begin. If +you doubt this ask any fat man--I started to say ask any fat woman, too. +Only there aren't any fat women to speak of. There are women who are +plump and will admit it; there are even women who are inclined to be +stout. But outside of dime museums there are no fat women. But there are +plenty of fat men. Ask one of them. Ask any one of them. Ask me. + +This thing of acquiring a tummy steals on one insidiously, like a thief +in the night. You notice that you are plumping out a trifle and for the +time being you feel a sort of small personal satisfaction in it. Your +shirts fit you better. You love the slight strain upon the buttonholes. +You admire the pleasant plunking sound suggestive of ripe watermelons +when you pat yourself. Then a day comes when the persuasive odor of +mothballs fills the autumnal air and everybody at the barber shop is +having the back of his neck shaved also, thus betokening awakened social +activities, and when evening is at hand you take the dress-suit, which +fitted you so well, out of the closet where it has been hanging and +undertake to back yourself into it. You are pained to learn that it is +about three sizes too small. At first you are inclined to blame the +suit for shrinking, but second thought convinces you that the fault lies +elsewhere. It is you that have swollen, not the suit that has shrunk. +The buttons that should adorn the front of the coat are now plainly +visible from the rear. + +You buy another dress-suit and next fall you have out-grown that one +too. You pant like a lizard when you run to catch a car. You cross your +legs and have to hold the crossed one on with both hands to keep your +stomach from shoving it off in space. After a while you quit crossing +them and are content with dawdling yourself on your own lap. You are +fat! Dog-gone it--you are fat! + +You are up against it and it is up against you, which is worse. You are +something for people to laugh at. You are also expected to laugh. It +is all right for a thin man to be grouchy; people will say the poor +creature has dyspepsia and should be humored along. But a fat man with +a grouch is inexcusable in any company--there is so much of him to be +grouchy. He constitutes a wave of discontent and a period of general +depression. He is not expected to be romantic and sentimental either. It +is all right for a giraffe to be sentimental, but not a hippopotamus. If +you doubt me consult any set of natural history pictures. The giraffe is +shown with his long and sinuous neck entwined in fond embrace about the +neck of his mate; but the amphibious, blood-sweating hippo is depicted +as spouting and wallowing, morose and misanthropic, in a mud puddle +off by himself. In passing I may say that I regard this comparison as +a particularly apt one, because I know of no living creature so truly +amphibious in hot weather as an open-pored fat man, unless it is a +hippopotamus. + +Oh how true is the saying that nobody loves a fat man! When fat comes up +on the front porch love jumps out of the third-story window. Love in +a cottage? Yes. Love in a rendering plant? No. A fat man's heart is +supposed to lie so far inland that the softer emotions cannot reach it +at all. Yet the fattest are the truest, if you did but know it, and +also they are the tenderest and a man with a double chin rarely leads a +double life. For one thing, it requires too much moving round. + +A fat man cannot wear the clothes he would like to wear. As a race fat +men are fond of bright and cheerful colors; but no fat man can indulge +his innocent desires in this direction without grieving his family and +friends and exciting the derisive laughter of the unthinking. If he puts +on a fancy-flowered vest, they'll say he looks like a Hanging Garden +of Babylon. And yet he has a figure just made for showing off a +fancy-flowered vest to best effect. He may favor something in light +checks for his spring suit; but if he ventures abroad in a checked suit, +ribald strangers will look at him meaningly and remark to one another +that the center of population appears to be shifting again. It has +been my observation that fat men are instinctively drawn to short tan +overcoats for the early fall. But a fat man in a short tan overcoat, +strolling up the avenue of a sunny afternoon, will be constantly +overhearing persons behind him wondering why they didn't wait until +night to move the bank vault. That irks him sore; but if he turns round +to reproach them he is liable to shove an old lady or a poor blind +man off the sidewalk, and then, like as not, some gamin will sing out: +"Hully gee, Chimmy, wot's become of the rest of the parade? 'Ere's the +bass drum goin' home all by itself." + +I've known of just such remarks being made and I assure you they cut a +sensitive soul to the core. Not for the fat man are the snappy clothes +for varsity men and the patterns called by the tailors confined because +that is what they should be but aren't. Not for him the silken shirt +with the broad stripes. Shirts with stripes that were meant to run +vertically but are caused to run horizontally, by reasons over which +the wearer has no control, remind others of the awning over an Italian +grocery. So the fat man must stick to sober navy blues and depressing +blacks and melancholy grays. He is advised that he should wear his +evening clothes whenever possible, because black and white lines are +more becoming to him. But even in evening clothes, that wide expanse of +glazed shirt and those white enamel studs will put the onlookers in mind +of the front end of a dairy lunch or so I have been cruelly told. + +When planning public utilities, who thinks of a fat man? There never was +a hansom cab made that would hold a fat man comfortably unless he left +the doors open, and that makes him feel undressed. There never was an +orchestra seat in a theater that would contain all of him at the same +time--he churns up and sloshes out over the sides. Apartment houses and +elevators and hotel towels are all constructed upon the idea that the +world is populated by stock-size people with those double-A-last shapes. + +Take a Pullman car, for instance. One of the saddest sights known is +that of a fat man trying to undress on one of those closet shelves +called upper berths without getting hopelessly entangled in the hammock +or committing suicide by hanging himself with his own suspenders. And +after that, the next most distressing sight is the same fat man after +he has undressed and is lying there, spouting like a sperm-whale and +overflowing his reservation like a crock of salt-rising dough in a warm +kitchen, and wondering how he can turn over without bulging the side of +the car and maybe causing a wreck. Ah me, those dark green curtains with +the overcoat buttons on them hide many a distressful spectacle from the +traveling public! + +If a fat man undertakes to reduce nobody sympathizes with him. A +thin man trying to fatten up so he won't fall all the way through his +trousers when he draws 'em on in the morning is an object of sympathy +and of admiration, and people come from miles round and give him advice +about how to do it. But suppose a fat man wants to train down to a point +where, when he goes into a telephone booth and says "Ninety-four Broad," +the spectators will know he is trying to get a number and not telling +his tailor what his waist measure is. + +Is he greeted with sympathetic understanding? He is not. He is greeted +with derision and people stand round and gloat at him. The authorities +recommend health exercises, but health exercises are almost invariably +undignified in effect and wearing besides. Who wants to greet the dewy +morn by lying flat on his back and lifting his feet fifty times? What +kind of a way is that to greet the dewy morn anyhow? And bending over +with the knees stiff and touching the tips of the toes with the tips +of the fingers--that's no employment for a grown man with a family to +support and a position to maintain in society. Besides which it +cannot be done. I make the statement unequivocally and without fear +of successful contradiction that it cannot be done. And if it could +be done--which as I say it can't--there would be no real pleasure in +touching a set of toes that one has known of only by common rumor for +years. Those toes are the same as strangers to you--you knew they were +in the neighborhood, of course, but you haven't been intimate with them. + +Maybe you try dieting, which is contrary to nature. Nature intended that +a fat man should eat heartily, else why should she endow him with the +capacity and the accommodations. Starving in the midst of plenty is not +for him who has plenty of midst. Nature meant that a fat man should have +an appetite and that he should gratify it at regular intervals--meant +that he should feel like the Grand Canyon before dinner and like the +Royal Gorge afterward. Anyhow, dieting for a fat man consists in not +eating anything that's fit to eat. The specialist merely tells him to +eat what a horse would eat and has the nerve to charge him for what +he could have found out for himself at any livery stable. Of course +he might bant in the same way that a woman bants. You know how a woman +bants. She begins the day very resolutely, and if you are her husband +you want to avoid irritating her or upsetting her, because hell hath no +fury like a woman banting. For breakfast she takes a swallow of lukewarm +water and half of a soda cracker. For luncheon she takes the other +half of the cracker and leaves off the water. For dinner she orders +everything on the menu except the date and the name of the proprietor. +She does this in order to give her strength to go on with the treatment. + +No fat man would diet that way; but no matter which way he does diet it +doesn't do him any good. Health exercises only make him muscle-sore and +bring on what the Harvard ball team call the Charles W. Horse; while +banting results in attacks of those kindred complaints--the Mollie K. +Grubbs and the Fan J. Todds. + +Walking is sometimes recommended and the example of the camel is pointed +out, the camel being a creature that can walk for days and days. But, +as has been said by some thinking person, who in thunder wants to be a +camel? The subject of horseback riding is also brought up frequently in +this connection. It is one of the commonest delusions among fat men +that horseback riding will bring them down and make them sylphlike and +willowy. I have several fat men among my lists of acquaintances who +labor under this fallacy. None of them was ever a natural-born horseback +rider; none of them ever will be. I like to go out of a bright morning +and take a comfortable seat on a park bench--one park bench is plenty +roomy enough if nobody else is using it--and sit there and watch these +unhappy persons passing single file along the bridle-path. I sit there +and gloat until by rights I ought to be required to take out a gloater's +license. + +Mind you, I have no prejudice against horseback riding as such. +Horseback riding is all right for mounted policemen and Colonel W. F. +Cody and members of the Stickney family and the party who used to play +Mazeppa in the sterling drama of that name. That is how those persons +make their living. They are suited for it and acclimated to it. It is +also all right for equestrian statues of generals in the Civil War. But +it is not a fit employment for a fat man and especially for a fat man +who insists on trying to ride a hard-trotting horse English style, which +really isn't riding at all when you come right down to cases, but an +outdoor cure for neurasthenia invented, I take it, by a British subject +who was nervous himself and hated to stay long in one place. So, as I +was saying, I sit there on my comfortable park bench and watch +those friends of mine bouncing by, each wearing on his face that set +expression which is seen also on the faces of some men while waltzing, +and on the faces of most women when entertaining their relatives by +marriage. I have one friend who is addicted to this form of punishment +in a violent, not to say a malignant form. He uses for his purpose a +tall and self-willed horse of the Tudor period--a horse with those high +dormer effects and a sloping mansard. This horse must have been raised, +I think, in the knockabout song-and-dance business. Every time he hears +music or thinks he hears it he stops and vamps with his feet. When +he does this my friend bends forward and clutches him round the neck +tightly. I think he is trying to whisper in the horse's ear and beg him +in Heaven's name to forbear; but what he looks like is Santa Claus with +a clean shave, sitting on the combing of a very steep house with his +feet hanging over the eaves, peeking down the chimney to see if the +children are asleep yet. When that horse dies he will still have finger +marks on his throat and the authorities will suspect foul play probably. + +Once I tried it myself. I was induced to scale the heights of a horse +that was built somewhat along the general idea of the Andes Mountains, +only more rugged and steeper nearing the crest. From the ground he +looked to be not more than sixteen hands high, but as soon as I was up +on top of him I immediately discerned that it was not sixteen hands--it +was sixteen miles. What I had taken for the horse's blaze face was +a snow-capped peak. Miss Anna Peck might have felt at home up there, +because she has had the experience and is used to that sort of thing, +but I am no mountain climber myself. + +Before I could make any move to descend to the lower and less rarefied +altitudes the horse began executing a few fancy steps, and he started +traveling sidewise with a kind of a slanting bias movement that was +extremely disconcerting, not to say alarming, instead of proceeding +straight ahead as a regular horse would. I clung there astraddle of his +ridge pole, with my fingers twined in his mane, trying to anticipate +where he would be next, in order to be there to meet him if possible; +and I resolved right then that, if Providence in His wisdom so willed it +that I should get down from up there alive, I would never do so again. +However, I did not express these longings in words--not at that time. At +that time there were only two words in the English language which seemed +to come to me. One of them was "Whoa" and the other was "Ouch," and +I spoke them alternately with such rapidity that they merged into the +compound word "Whouch," which is a very expressive word and one that I +would freely recommend to others who may be situated as I was. + +At that moment, of all the places in the world that I could think +of--and I could think of a great many because the events of my past +life were rapidly flashing past me--as is customary, I am told, in other +cases of grave peril, such as drowning--I say of all the places in the +world there were just two where I least desired to be--one was up on top +of that horse and the other was down under him. But it seemed to be a +choice of the two evils, and so I chose the lesser and got under him. I +did this by a simple expedient that occurred to me at the moment. I fell +off. I was tramped on considerably, and the earth proved to be harder +than it looked when viewed from an approximate height of sixteen miles +up, but I lived and breathed--or at least I breathed after a time +had elapsed--and I was satisfied. And so, having gone through this +experience myself, I am in position to appreciate what any other man +of my general build is going through as I see him bobbing by--the poor +martyr, sacrificing himself as a burnt offering, or anyway a blistered +one--on the high altar of a Gothic ruin of a horse. And, besides, I +know that riding a horse doesn't reduce a fat man. It merely reduces the +horse. + +So it goes--the fat man is always up against it. His figure is +half-masted in regretful memory of the proportions he had once, and +he is made to mourn. Most sports and many gainful pursuits are closed +against him. He cannot play lawn tennis, or, at least according to my +observation, he cannot play lawn tennis oftener than once in two weeks. +In between games he limps round, stiff as a hat tree and sore as a +mashed thumb. Time was when he might mingle in the mystic mazes of the +waltz, tripping the light fantastic toe or stubbing it, as the case may +be. But that was in the days of the old-fashioned square dance, which +was the fat man's friend among dances, and also of the old-fashioned +two-step, and not in these times when dancing is a cross between a +wrestling match, a contortion act and a trip on a roller-coaster, and is +either named for an animal, like the Bunny Hug and the Tarantula Glide, +or for a town, like the Mobile Mop-Up, and the Far Rockaway Rock and the +South Bend Bend. His friends would interfere--or the authorities would. +He can go in swimming, it is true; but if he turns over and floats, +people yell out that somebody has set the life raft adrift; and if he +basks at the water's edge, boats will come in and try to dock alongside +him; and if he takes a sun bath on the beach and sunburns, there's so +everlasting much of him to be sunburned that he practically amounts to a +conflagration. He can't shoot rapids, craps or big game with any degree +of comfort; nor play billiards. He can't get close enough to the table +to make the shots, and he puts all the English on himself and none of it +on the cue ball. + +Consider the gainful pursuits. Think how many of them are denied to the +man who may have energy and ability but is shut out because there are a +few extra terraces on his front lawn. A fat man cannot be a leading man +in a play. Nobody desires a fat hero for a novel. A fat man cannot go +in for aeroplaning. He cannot be a wire-walker or a successful walker +of any of the other recognized brands--track, cake, sleep or floor. He +doesn't make a popular waiter. Nobody wants a fat waiter on a hot day. +True, you may make him bring your order under covered dishes, but +even so, there is still that suggestion of rain on a tin roof that is +distasteful to so many. + +So I repeat that fat people are always getting the worst of it, and I +say again, of all the ills that flesh is heir to, the worst is the flesh +itself. As the poet says--"The world, the flesh and the devil"--and +there you have it in a sentence--the flesh in between, catching the +devil on one side and the jeers of the world on the other. I don't care +what Dr. Woods Hutchinson or any other thin man says! I contend that +history is studded with instances of prominent persons who lost out +because they got fat. Take Cleopatra now, the lady to whom Marc Antony +said: "I am dying, Egypt, dying," and then refrained from doing so for +about nineteen more stanzas. Cleo or Pat--she was known by both names, +I hear--did fairly well as a queen, as a coquette and as a promoter of +excursions on the river--until she fleshened up. Then she flivvered. +Doctor Johnson was a fat man and he suffered from prickly heat, and from +Boswell, and from the fact that he couldn't eat without spilling most +of the gravy on his second mezzanine landing. As a thin and spindly +stripling Napoleon altered the map of Europe and stood many nations on +their heads. It was after he had grown fat and pursy that he landed +on St. Helena and spent his last days on a barren rock, with his arms +folded, posing for steel engravings. Nero was fat, and he had a lot of +hard luck in keeping his relatives--they were almost constantly dying on +him and he finally had to stab himself with one of those painful-looking +old Roman two-handed swords, lest something really serious befall him. +Falstaff was fat, and he lost the favor of kings in the last act. Coming +down to our own day and turning to a point no farther away than the +White House at Washington--but have we not enough examples without +becoming personal? Yes, I know Julius Caesar said: "Let me have men +about me that are fat." But you bet it wasn't in the heated period when +J. Caesar said that! + + + + +TEETH + + +One of the most pleasant features about being born, as I conceive it, +is that we are born without teeth. I believe there have been a few +exceptions to this rule--Richard the Third, according to the accounts, +came into the world equipped with all his teeth and a perfectly +miserable disposition; and once in a while, especially during Roosevelt +years, when the Colonel's picture is hanging on the walls of so many +American homes, we read in the paper that a baby has just been born +somewhere with a full set, and even, as in the case of the infant son +of a former member of the Rough Riders, with nose glasses and a +close-cropped mustache. This, however, may have been a pardonable +exaggeration of the real facts. As I recall now, it was reported in a +dispatch to the New York Tribune from Lover's Leap, Iowa, during the +presidential campaign eight years ago. + +In the main, though, we are born without teeth. We are born without a +number of things--clothes for example--although Anthony Comstock is said +to be pushing a law requiring all children to be born with overalls on; +but teeth is the subject which we are now discussing. This absence of +teeth tends to give the very young of our species the appearance in the +face of an old fashioned buckskin purse with the draw string broken, but +be that as it may, we are generally fairly well content with life until +the teeth begin to come. + +First there are the milk teeth. Right there our troubles start. To use +the term commonly in use, we cut them, although as a matter of fact, +they cut us--cut them with the aid of some such mussy thing as a +toothing ring or the horny part of the nurse's thumb, or the reverse +side of a spoon--cut them at the cost of infinite suffering, not only +for ourselves but for everybody else in the vicinity. And about the time +we get the last one in we begin to lose the first one out. They go one +at a time, by falling out, or by being yanked out, or by coming out of +their own accord when we eat molasses taffy. They were merely what +you might call our Entered Apprentice teeth. We go in now for the full +thirty-two degrees--one degree for each tooth and thirty-two teeth to +a set. By arduous and painful processes, stretching over a period +of years, we get our regular teeth--the others were only +volunteers--concluding with the wisdom teeth, as so called, but it is a +misnomer, because there never is room for them and they have to stand +up in the back row and they usually arrive with holes in them, and if we +really possessed any wisdom we would figure out some way of abolishing +them altogether. They come late and crowd their way in and push the +other teeth out of line and so we go about for months with the top of +our mouths filled with braces and wires and things, so that when we +breathe hard we sob and croon inside of ourselves like an Aeolean harp. + +But in any event we get them all and no sooner do we get them than we +begin to lose them. They develop cavities and aches and extra roots and +we spend a good part of our lives and most of our substance with the +dentist. Nevertheless, in spite of all we can do and all he can do, we +keep on losing them. And after awhile, they are all gone and our face +folds up on us like a crush hat or a concertina and from our brow to our +chin we don't look much more than a third as long as we used to look. +We dislike this folded-up appearance naturally--who wouldn't? And we get +tired of living on spoon victuals and the memory of past beef-steaks. So +we go and get some false ones made. They have to be made to order; +there appears to be no market for custom made teeth; you never see any +hand-me-down teeth advertised, guaranteed to fit any face and withstand +a damp climate. Getting them made to order is a long and unhappy process +and I will pass over it briefly. Having got them, we find that they do +not fit us or that we do not fit them, which comes to the same thing. +The dentist makes them fit by altering us some and the teeth some, and +after some months they quit feeling as though they didn't belong to us +but had been borrowed temporarily from somebody's loan collection of +ceramics. + +But just about the time they are becoming acclimated and we are getting +used to them, the interior of our mouth for private reasons best known +to itself changes around materially and we either have to go back and +start all over and go through the whole thing again, or else haply we +die and pass on to the bourne from which no traveller returneth either +with his teeth or without them. If Shakespeare had only thought of +it--and he did think of a number of things from time to time--he might +have divided his Seven Ages of Man much better by making them the Seven +Ages of Teeth as follows: First age--no tooth; second age--milk teeth; +third age--losing 'em; fourth age--getting more teeth; fifth +age--losing 'em; sixth age--getting false teeth and finding they aren't +satisfactory; seventh age--toothless again. + +I knew a man once who was a gunsmith and lost all his teeth at a +comparatively early age. He went along that way for years. He had to +eschew the tenderloin for the reason that he couldn't chew it, and he +had to cut out hickory nut cake and corn on the ear and such things. But +there is nothing about the art of gunsmithing which seems to call for +teeth, so he got along very well, living in a little house with the wife +of his bosom and a faithful housedog named Ponto. But when he was past +sixty he went and got himself some teeth from the dentist. He did this +without saying anything about it at home; he was treasuring it up for a +surprise. The corner stone was laid in May and the scaffolding was all +up by July and in August the new teeth were dedicated with suitable +ceremonies. + +They altered his appearance materially. His nose and chin which had been +on terms of intimacy now rubbed each other a last fond good-bye and his +face lost that accordion-pleated look and straightened out and became +about six or seven inches longer from top to bottom. He now had a sort +of determined aspect like the iron jawed lady in a circus, whereas +before his face had the appearance of being folded over and wadded +down inside of his neck band, so his hat could rest comfortably on his +collar. He knew he was altered, but he didn't realize how much he was +altered until he went home that evening and walked proudly in the front +gate. His wife who was timid about strangers, slammed the door right in +his face and faithful Ponto came out from under the porch steps and bit +him severely in the calf of the leg. There was only one consolation +in it for him--for the first time in a long number of years he was in +position to bite back. + +And that's how it is with teeth--with your teeth let us say--for right +here I'm going to drop the personal pronoun and speak of them as your +teeth from now on. If anybody has to suffer it might as well be you and +not me; I expect to be busy telling about it. As I started to say awhile +ago, you--remember it's you from this point--you get your regular teeth +and they start right in giving you trouble. Every little while one of +them bursts from its cell with a horrible yell and in the lulls between +pangs you go forth among men with the haunted look in your eye of one +who is listening for the footfalls of a dread apparition, and one half +of your head is puffed out of plumb as though you were engaged in the +whimsical idea of holding an egg plant in the side of your jaw. A kind +friend meets you, and, speaking with that high courage and that lofty +spirit of sacrifice which a kind friend always exhibits when it's your +tooth that is kicking up the rumpus and not his, he tells you you ought +to have something done for it right away. You know that as well as he +does, but you hate to have the subject brought up. It's your toothache +anyhow. It originated with you. You are its proud parent but not so +awfully proud at that. Mother and child doing as well as could be +expected, but not expected to do very well. + +But these friends of yours keep on shoving their free advice on you and +the tooth keeps on getting worse and worse until the pain spreads all +through the First Ward and finally you grab your resolution in both +hands to keep it from leaking out between your fingers and you go to the +dentist's. + +This happens so many times that after awhile you lose count and so would +the dentist, if he didn't write your name down every time in his little +red book with pleasingly large amounts entered opposite to it. It seems +to you that you are always doing something for your teeth? You have them +pulled and pushed and shoved and filled and unfilled and refilled and +excavated and blasted and sculptured and scroll-sawed and a lot of other +things that you wouldn't think could be done legally without a building +permit. As time passes on, the inside of your once well-tilled and +commodious head becomes but little more than a recent site. Your vaults +have been blown and most of your contents abstracted by Amalgam Mike +and Dental Slim, the Demon Yeggmen of the Human Face. You are merely the +scattered clews left behind for the authorities to work on; you are the +faint traces of the fiendish crime. You are the point marked X. + +But all along there is generally one tooth that has behaved herself like +a lady. Other teeth may have betrayed your confidence but Old Faithful +has hung on, attending to business, asking only for standing room and +kind treatment. The others you may view with alarm, but to this tooth +you can point with pride. But have a care--she is deceiving you. + +Some night you go to bed and have a dream. In your dream it seems to you +that a fox terrier is chasing a woodchuck around and around the inside +of your head. In that tangled sort of fashion peculiar to dreams your +sympathy seems to go out first to the fox terrier and then to the +woodchuck as they circle about nimbly, leaping from your tonsils to your +larynx and then up over the rafters in the roof of your mouth and down +again and pattering over the sub-maxillary from side to side. But about +then you wake up with a violent start and decide that any sympathy +you may have in stock should be reserved for personal use exclusively, +because at this moment the dog trees the woodchuck at the base of +that cherished tooth of yours and starts to dig him out. He is a very +determined dog and very active, but he needs a manicure. You are struck +by that fact almost immediately. + +Uttering some of those trite and commonplace remarks that are customary +for use under such circumstances and yet are so futile to express +one's real sentiments, you arise and undertake to pacify the infuriated +creature with household remedies. You try to lure him away with a wad +of medicated cotton stuck on the end of a parlor match. But arnica is +evidently an acquired taste with him. He doesn't seem to care for it any +more than you do. You begin to dress, using one hand to put your clothes +on with and the other to hold the top of your head on. At this important +juncture, the dog tears down the last remaining partitions and nails the +woodchuck. The woodchuck is game--say what you will about the habits and +customs of the woodchuck you have to hand it to him there--he's game as +a lion. He fights back desperately. Intense excitement reigns throughout +the vicinity. While the struggle wages you get your clothes on and wait +for daylight to come, which it does in from eight to ten weeks. Norway +is not the only place where the nights are six months long. + +There is nobody waiting at the dentist's when you get there, it being +early. You are willing to wait. At a barber shop it may be different but +at a dentist's you are always willing to wait, like a gentleman. But the +sinewy young man who is sitting in the front parlor reading the Hammer +Thrower's Gazette, welcomes you with a false air of gaiety entirely out +of keeping with the circumstances and invites you to step right in. He +tells you that you are next. This is wrong--if you were next you would +turn and flee like a deer. Not being next, you enter. Right from the +start you seem to take a dislike to this young man. You catch him +spitting in his hands and hitching his sleeves up as you are hanging up +your hat. Besides he is too robust for a dentist. With those shoulders +he ought to be a boiler maker or a safe mover or something of that sort. +You resolve inwardly that next time you go to a dentist you are going to +one of a more lady-like bearing and gentler demeanor. It seems a +brutal thing that a big strong man should waste his years in a dental +establishment when the world is clamoring for strong men to do the heavy +lifting jobs. But before you can say anything, this muscular athlete has +laid violent hands on your palpitating form and wadded it abruptly into +the hideous embraces of a red plush chair, which looks something like +the one they use up at Sing Sing, only it's done more quickly up there +and with less suffering on the part of the condemned. On one side of +you you behold quite a display of open plumbing and on the other side +a tasty exhibit of small steel tools of assorted sizes. No matter which +way your gaze may stray you'll be seeing something attractive. + +You also take notice of an electric motor about large enough, you would +say, to run a trolley car, which is purring nearby in a sinister and +forbidding way. They are constantly making these little improvements +in the dental profession. I have heard that fifty years ago a dentist +traveled about over the country from place to place, sometimes pulling a +tooth and sometimes breaking a colt. He practiced his art with an outfit +consisting of two pairs of iron forceps--one pair being saber-toothed +while the other pair was merely saw-fretted--and he gave a man the same +kind of treatment he gave a horse, only he tied the horse's legs first. +But now electricity is in general use and no dentist's establishment is +complete without a dynamo attachment which makes a crooning sound when +in operation and provides instrumental accompaniment to the song of the +official canary. + +I know why a barber in a country town is always learning to play on the +guitar and I know why a man with an emotional Adam's apple always wears +an open front collar. I know these things, but am debarred from telling +them by reason of a solemn oath. But I have not yet been able to +discover why every dentist keeps a canary in his office. Nor do I know +why it is, just as you settle your neck back on a head rest that's every +bit as comfortable as an anvil, and just as a dentist climbs into you +as far as the arm pits and begins probing at the bottom of a tooth which +has roots extending back behind your ears, like an old-fashioned pair of +spectacles, that the canary bird should wipe his nose on a cuttle bone +and dash into a melodious outburst of two hundred thousand twitters, +all of them being twitters of the same size, shape, and color. For that +matter, I don't even know what kind of an animal a cuttle is, although I +should say from the shape of his bone as used by the canary instead of +a pocket handkerchief, that he is circular and flat and stands on +edge only with the utmost difficulty. If you will pardon my temporary +digressions into the realm of natural history, we will now return to the +main subject, which was your tooth. + +The moment the muscular young man starts up his motor and gives the +canary its music cue and begins pawing over his tool collection to pick +out a good sharp one, you recover. All of a sudden you feel fine, and +so does the tooth. Neither one of you ever felt better. The fox terrier +must have killed the woodchuck and then committed suicide. You are +about to mention this double tragedy and beg the young man's pardon for +causing him any trouble and excuse yourself and go away, but just then +he quits feeling of his biceps and suddenly seizes you by your features +and undoes them. If you are where you can catch a glimpse of yourself in +a mirror you will immediately note how much the human face divine can be +made to look like an old-fashioned red brick Colonial fire place. + +There are likely to be several things you would like to talk about. You +are full of thoughts seeking utterance. For one thing you want to tell +him you don't think the brand of soap he uses on his hands is going to +agree with you at all. You probably don't care personally for the way +your barber's thumb tastes either, but a barber's thumb is Peaches +Melba alongside of a dentist's. Before you can say anything though he +discovers a cavity or orifice of some sort in the base of your tooth. +It seems to give him pleasure. Filled with intense gratification by this +discovery and fired moreover by the impetuous ardor of the chase, he +grabs up a crochet needle with a red hot stinger on the end of it and +jabs it down your tooth to a point about opposite where your suspenders +fork in the back. + +You have words with him then, or at least you start to have words with +him, but he puts his knee in your chest and tells you that it really +doesn't hurt at all, but is only your imagination, and utters other +soothing remarks of that general nature. He then exchanges the crochet +needle for a kind of an instrument with a burr on the end of it. This +instrument first came into use at the time of the Spanish Inquisition +but has since been greatly improved on and brought right up to date. He +takes this handy little utensil and proceeds to stir up your imagination +some more. You again try to say something, speaking in a muffled tone, +but he is not listening. He is calling to a brother assassin in +the adjoining room to come and see a magnificent example of a prime +old-vatted triple X exposed nerve. So the Second Grave Digger rests his +tools against the palate of his victim and comes in. + +As nearly as you can gather from hearsay evidence, you not being an eye +witness yourself, one of them harpoons the nerve just back of the gills +with a nutpick--remember please it is your nerve that they are taking +all these liberties with--and pulls it out of its retreat and the other +man takes a tack hammer and tries to beat its brains out. Any time he +misses the nerve he hits you, so his average is still a thousand, and +it is fine practice for him. A pleasant time is had by everybody present +except you and the nerve. The nerve wraps its hind legs around your +breastbone and hangs on desperately. You perspire freely and make noises +like a drunken Zulu trying to sing a Swedish folk song while holding a +spoonful of hot mush in his mouth. + +In time becoming wearied even of these congenial diversions and tiring +of the shop talk that has been going on, the second dentist returns +to his original prey and the party who has you in charge tries a new +experiment. He arms himself with a kind of an automatic hammering +machine, somewhat similar to the steam riveter used in constructing +steel office buildings, except that this one is more compact and can +deliver about eighty-five more blows to the second. Thus equipped, he +descends far below your high water mark and engages in aquatic sports +and pastimes for a considerable period of time. It seems to you that you +never saw a man who could go down and stay down as long as this young +man can. You begin to feel that you misjudged his real vocation in life +when you decided that he ought to be a boiler maker. You know that he +was intended for pearl fishing. He's a natural born deep sea diver. He +doesn't even have to come up to breathe, but stays below, knee deep in +your tide wash, merrily knocking chunks off your lowermost coral reefs +with his little steam riveter and having a perfectly lovely time. + +You are overflowing copiously and you wish he would take the time to +stop and bail you out. You abhor the idea of being drowned as an inside +job. But no, he keeps right on and along about here it is customary for +you to swoon away. + +On recovering, you observe that he has changed his mind again. He is now +going in for amateur theatricals and is using you for a theatre. First +thoughtfully draping a little rubber drop curtain across your proscenium +arch to keep you from seeing what is going on behind your own scenes, he +is setting the stage for the thrilling sawmill scene in Blue Jeans. You +can distinctly feel the circular saw at work and you can taste a hod of +mortar and a bucket of hot tar and one thing and another that have been +left in the wings. You also judge that the insulation is burning off of +an electric fixture somewhere up stage. + +All this time the tooth is still offering resistance, and eventually the +dentist comes out in front once more and makes a little curtain speech +to you. He has just ascertained that what the tooth really needed was +not filling but pulling. He thought at first that it should be filled +and that is what he has been doing--filling it--but now he knows that +pulling is the indicated procedure. He does not understand how a tooth +that seemed so open could have deceived him. Nevertheless he will now +pull the tooth. + +He pulls her. She does her level best but he pulls her. He harvests +small sections of the gum from time to time and occasionally he stops +long enough to loosen up the roots as far down as your floating ribs. +But he pulls her. He spares no pains to pull that tooth. Or if he spares +any you are not able subsequently to remember what they were. You utter +various loud sounds in a strange and incomprehensible language and he +lays back and braces his knees against your lower jaw, and the tooth +utters the death rattle and begins picking the cover-lid. And then he +gives one final heave and breaks the roots away from the lower part of +your spinal column to which they were adhering, and emerges into the +open panting but triumphant, and holds his trophy up for you to look +at. If you didn't know it was your tooth you would take it for an +old-fashioned china cuspidor that had been neglected by the janitor. + +It was a tooth that you had been prizing for years, but now you wouldn't +have it as a gracious gift. You are through with that tooth forever. You +never want to see it again. + +As for the dentist, he collects the fixed charge for stumpage and +corkage and one thing and another and you come away with a feeling in +the side of your jaw like a vacant lot. Your tongue keeps going over +there to see if it can recognize the old place by the hole where the +foundations used to be. You never realized before what a basement there +was to a tooth. + +As you come out you pass a fresh victim going in and you see the dentist +welcome him and then turn to crank up his motor and you hear the canary +tuning up with a new line of v-shaped twitters. And you are glad that he +is the one who is going in and that you are the one who is coming out. + +Science tells us that the teeth are the hardest things in the human +composition, which is all very well as far as it goes, but what science +should do is to go on and finish the sentence. It means the hardest to +keep. + + + + +HAIR + + +As I remarked in the preceding chapter of this work, one of the +pleasantest features about being born is that we are born without teeth +and other responsibilities. Teeth, like debts and installment payments, +come along later on. It is the same way with hair. + +Born, we are, hairless or comparatively so. We are in a highly +incomplete state at that period of our lives. It takes a fond and doting +parent to detect evidences of an actual human aspect in us. Only the +ears and the mouth appear to be up to the plans and specifications. +There is a mouth which when opened, as it generally is, makes the +rest of the face look like a tire, and there is a pair of ears of +such generous size that only a third one is needed, round at the back +somewhere, to give us the appearance of a loving cup. And we are smocked +and hem-stitched with a million wrinkles apiece, more or less, which +partly accounts for the fact that every newborn infant looks to be about +two hundred years old. And uniformly we have the nice red complexion of +a restaurant lobster. You know that live-broiled look? + +As for our other features, they are more or less rudimentary. Of a +nose there is only what a chemist would call a trace. It seems hard to +imagine that a dinky little nubbin like that, a dimple turned inside +out, as it were, will ever develop into a regular nose, with a capacity +for freckling in the summer and catching cold in the winter--a nose that +you can sneeze through and blow with. There are no eyebrows to speak of +either, and the skull runs up to a sharp point like a pineapple cheese. +Just back of the peak is a kind of soft, dented-in place like a Parker +House roll, and if you touch it we die. In some cases this spot remains +soft throughout life, and these persons grow up and go through railroad +trains in presidential years taking straw votes. + +And, as I said before, there isn't any hair; only on the slopes of the +cheese are some very pale, faint, downy lines, which look as though they +had been sketched on lightly with a very soft drawing pencil and would +wipe off readily. That, however is the inception and beginning of what +afterward becomes, among our race, hair. To look at it you could hardly +believe it, but it is. Barring accidents or backwardness, it continues +to grow from that time on through our childhood, but its behavior is +always a profound disappointment. If the child is a girl and, therefore, +entitled to curly hair, her hair is sure to come in stiff and straight. +If it's a boy, to whom curls will be a curse and a cross of affliction, +he is morally certain to be as curly as a frizzly chicken, and until +he gets old enough to rebel he will wear long ringlets and boys of his +acquaintance will insert cockle-burs and chewing gum into his tresses, +and he will be known popularly as Sissie and otherwise his life with be +made joyous and carefree for him. If a reddish tone of hair is desired +it is certain to grow out yellow or brown or black; and if brown is your +favorite shade you are absolutely sure to be nice and red-headed, with +eyebrows and lashes to match, and so many cowlicks that when you remove +your hat people will think you're wearing two or three halos at once. +Hair rarely or never acts up to its advance notices. + +One of the earliest and most painful recollections of my youth is +associated with hair. I still tingle warmly when I think of it. I should +say I was about eight years old at the time. My mother sent me down the +street to the barber's to have my hair trimmed--shingled was the term +then used. Some of my private collection of cowlicks had begun to +stand up in a way that invited adverse criticism and reminded people +of sunbursts. They made me look as though my hair were trying to pull +itself out by the roots and escape. So I was sent to the barber's. +My little cousin, two years younger, went along in my charge. It was +thought that the performance might entertain her. I was mounted in +a chair and had a cloth tucked in round my neck, like a self-made +millionaire about to eat consomme. The officiating barber got out a +shiny steel instrument with jaws--the first pair of clippers I had ever +seen--and he ran this up the back of my neck, producing a most agreeable +feeling. He reached the top of my head and would have paused but I told +him to go right ahead and clip me close all over, which he did. When he +had finished the job I was so delighted with the sensation and with the +attendant result as viewed in a mirror that I suggested he might give my +little cousin a similar treat. From a mere child I was ever so--willing +always to share my simple pleasures with those about me, especially +where it entailed no inconvenience on my part. I told him my father +would pay the bill for both of us when he came by that night. + +The barber fell in with the suggestion. It has ever been my experience +that a barber will fall in readily with any suggestion whereby the +barber is going to get something out of it for himself. In this instance +he was going to get another quarter, and a quarter went farther in +those days than it does now. I dismounted from the chair and my innocent +little cousin was installed in my place. As I now recall she made no +protest. The barber ran his clippers conscientiously and painstakingly +over her tender young scalp, while I stood admiringly by and watched the +long yellow curls fall writhing upon the floor at my feet. It seemed +to me that a great and manifest improvement was produced in her general +appearance. Instead of being hampered by those silly curls dangling down +all round her face, she now had a round, slick, smooth dome decorated +with a stiff yellowish stubble, and the skin showed through nice and +pink and the ears were well displayed, whereas before they had been +practically hidden. She was also relieved of those foolish bangs hanging +down in her eyes. This, I should have stated, occurred in the period +when womankind of whatsoever age and also some men wore bangs, a disease +from which all have since recovered with the exception of racehorses and +princesses of the various reigning houses of Europe. And now my little +cousin was shut of those annoying bangs, and her forehead ran up so high +that you had to go round behind her to see where it left off. + +Filled with a joyous sense of achievement and conscious of a kindly +deed worthily performed, I took my little cousin by her hand and led her +home. + +My mother was waiting for us at the front door. She seemed surprised +when I took off my hat and gave her a look, but that wasn't a +circumstance to her surprise when I proudly took off my little cousin's +cap. She uttered a kind of a strangled cry and my cousin's mother came +running, and the way she carried on was scandalous and ill-timed. I will +draw a veil over the proceedings of the next few minutes. At the time it +would have been a source of great personal gratification and comfort to +me if I could have drawn a number of veils, good, thick, woolen ones, +over the proceedings. My mother wept, my aunt wept, my little cousin +wept, and I am not ashamed to state that I wept quite copiously myself. +But I had more provocation to weep than any of them. + +When this part of the affair was over my mother sent me back to the +barber with a message. I was to say that a heart-broken woman demanded +to have the curls of which her darling child had been denuded. I believe +that there was some idea entertained of sewing them into a cap and +requiring my cousin to wear the cap until new ones had sprouted. Even to +me, a mere child of eight, this seemed a foolish and totally unnecessary +proceeding, but the situation had already become so strained that I +thought it the part of prudence to go at once without offering any +arguments of my own. I felt, anyhow, that I would rather be away from +the house for a while, until calmer second judgment had succeeded +excitement and tumult. + +The man who owned the barber shop seemed surprised when I delivered the +message, but he told me to come back in a few minutes and he'd do what +he could. I drifted on down to the confectionery store at the corner to +forget my sorrows for the moment in a worshipful admiration of a display +of prize boxes and cracknels in glass-front cases--you should be able to +fix the period by the fact that cracknels and prize boxes were still in +vogue among the young. When I returned the head barber handed me quite a +large box--a shoebox--with a string tied round it. It did not seem +possible to me that my cousin could have had a whole shoebox full of +curls, but things had been going pretty badly that afternoon and my +motives had been misjudged and everything, so without any talk I took +the box and hurried home with it. My mother cut the string and my aunt +lifted the lid. + +I should prefer again to draw a veil over the scenes that now ensued, +but the necessity of finishing this narrative requires me to state that +it being a Saturday and the head barber being a busy man, he had not +taken time to sort out my cousin's curls from among the flotsam and +jetsam of his establishment, but had just swept up enough off the +floor to make a good assorted boxful. I think the oldest inhabitant had +probably dropped in that day to have himself trimmed up a little round +the edges. I seem to remember a quantity of sandy whiskers shot with +gray. There was enough hair in that box and enough different kinds and +colors of hair and stuff to satisfy almost any taste, you would have +thought, but my mother and aunt were anything but satisfied. On the +contrary, far from it. And yet my cousin's hair was all there, if they +had only been willing to spend a few days sorting it out and separating +it from the other contents. + +In this particular instance I was the exception to the rule, that hair +generally gives a boy no great trouble from the time he merges out of +babyhood until he puts on long pants and begins to discern something +strangely and subtly attractive about the sex described by Mr. Kipling +as being the more deadly of the species. During this interim it is a +matter of no moment to a boy whether he goes shaggy or cropped, shorn or +unshorn. At intervals a frugal parent trims him to see if both his ears +are still there, or else a barber does it with more thoroughness, often +recovering small articles of household use that have been mysteriously +missing for months; but in the main he goes along carefree and +unbarbered, not greatly concerned with putting anything in his head or +taking anything off of it. + +In due season, though, he reaches the age where adolescent whiskers and +young romance begin to sprout out on him simultaneously--and from that +moment on for the rest of his life his hair is giving him bother, and +plenty of it. + +Your hair gives you bother as long as you have it and more bother when +it starts to go. You are always doing something for it and it is always +showing deep-dyed ingratitude in return; or else the dye isn't deep +enough, which is even worse. Hair is responsible for such byproducts as +dandruff, barbers, wigs, several comic weeklies, mental anguish, added +expense, Chinese revolutions, and the standard joke about your wife's +using your best razor to open a can of tomatoes with. Hair has been of +aid to Buffalo Bill, Little Lord Fauntleroy, Samson, The Lady Godiva, +Jo-Jo, the Dog-Faced Boy, poets, pianists, some artists and most +mattress makers, but a drawback and a sorrow to Absalom, polar bears in +captivity and the male sex in general. + +This assertion goes not only for hair on the head but for hair on the +face. Let us consider for a moment the matter of shaving. If you shave +yourself you excite a barber's contempt, and there is nobody whose +contempt the average man dreads more than a barber's, unless it is +a waiter's. And on the other hand, if you let a barber shave you he +excites not your contempt particularly, but your rage and frequently +your undying hatred. Once in a burst of confidence a barber told me one +of the trade secrets of his profession--he said that among barbers every +face fell into one of three classes, it being either a square, a round +or a squirrel. I know not, reader, whether yours be a square or a +round or a squirrel, but this much I will chance on a venture, sight +unseen--that you have your periods of intense unhappiness when you are +being shaved. + +I do not refer so much to the actual process of being shaved. Indeed +there is something restful and soothing to the average male adult in +the feel of a sharp razor being guided over a bristly jowl by a deft +and skillful hand, to the accompaniment of a gentle grating sound and +followed by a sensation of transient silken smoothness. Nor do I refer +to the barber's habit of conversation. After all, a barber is human--he +has to talk to somebody, and it might as well be you. If he didn't have +you to talk to he'd have to talk to another barber, and that would be no +treat to him. + +What I do refer to is that which precedes a shave and more especially +that which follows after it. You rush in for a shave. In ten minutes you +have an engagement to be married or something else important, and you +want a shave and you want it quick. Does the barber take cognizance of +the emergency? He does not. Such would be contrary to the ethics of his +calling. Knowing from your own lips that you want a shave and that's +positively all, he nevertheless is instantly filled with a burning +desire to equip you with a large number of other things. In this regard +the barbering profession has much in common with the haberdashering +or gents'-furnishing profession as practiced in our larger cities. You +invade a haberdashering establishment for the purpose, let us say, of +investing in a plain and simple pair of half hose, price twenty-five +cents. That emphatically is all that you do desire. You so state in +plain, simple language, using the shorter and uglier word socks. + +Does the youth in the pale mauve shirt with the marquise ring on the +little finger of the left hand rest content with this? Need I answer +this question? In succession he tries to sell you a fancy waistcoat with +large pearl buttons, a broken lot of silk pajamas, a bath-robe, some +shrimp-pink underwear--he wears this kind himself he tells you in strict +confidence--a pair of plush suspenders and a knitted necktie that you +wouldn't be caught wearing at twelve o'clock at night at the bottom of +a coal mine during a total eclipse of the moon. If you resist his +blandishments and so far forget that you are a gentleman as to use harsh +language, and if you insist on a pair of socks and nothing else, he'll +let you have them, but he will never feel the same toward you as he did. + +'Tis much the same with a barber. You need a shave in a hurry and he is +willing that you should have a shave, he being there for that purpose, +but first and last he can think of upward of thirty or forty other +things that you ought to have, including a shampoo, a hair cut, a hair +singe, a hair tonic, a hair oil, a manicure, a facial massage, a scalp +massage, a Turkish bath, his opinion on the merits of the newest White +Hope, a shoeshine, some kind of a skin food, and a series of comparisons +of the weather we are having this time this month with the weather we +were having this time last month. Not all of us are gifted with the +power of repartee by which my friend Frisbee turned the edge of the +barber's desires. + +"Your hair," said the barber, fondling a truant lock, "is long." + +"I know it is," said Frisbee. "I like it long. It's so Roycrofty." + +"It is very long," said the barber with a wistful expression. + +"I like it very long," said Frisbee. "I like to have people come up to +me on the street and call me Mr. Sutherland and ask me how I left +my sisters? I like to be mistaken for a Russian pianist. I like for +strangers to stop me and ask me how's everything up at East Aurora. In +short, I like it long." + +"Yes, sir," said the barber, "quite so, sir; but it's very long, +particularly here in the back--it covers your coat collar." + +"Indeed?" said Frisbee. "You say it covers my coat collar?" + +"Yes, sir," said the barber. "You can't see the coat collar at all." + +"Have you got a good sharp pair of shears there?" said Frisbee. + +"Oh, yes, sir," said the barber. + +"All right then," said Frisbee; "cut the collar off." + +But not all of us, as I said before, have this ready gift of parry and +thrust that distinguishes my friend Frisbee. Mostly we weakly surrender. +Or if we refuse to surrender, demanding just a shave by itself and +nothing else, what then follows? In my own case, speaking personally, I +know exactly what follows. I do not like to have any powder dabbed on my +face when I am through shaving. I believe in letting the bloom of youth +show through your skin, providing you have any bloom of youth to do +so. I always take pains to state my views in this regard at least twice +during the operation of being shaved--once at the start when the barber +has me all lathered up, with soapsuds dripping from the flanges of my +shell-like ears and running down my neck, and once again toward the +close of the operation, when he has laid aside his razor and is sousing +my defenseless features in a liquid that smells and tastes a good deal +like those scented pink blotters they used to give away at drug-stores +to advertise somebody's cologne. + +Does the barber respect my wishes in this regard? Certainly not. He +insists on powdering me, either before my eyes or surreptitiously and in +a clandestine manner. If he didn't powder me up he would lose his sense +of self-respect, and probably the union would take his card away +from him. I think there is something in the constitution and by-laws +requiring that I be powdered up. I have fought the good fight for +years, but I'm always powdered. Sometimes the crafty foe dissembles. He +pretends that he is not going to powder me up. But all of a sudden when +my back is turned, as it were, he grabs up his powder swab and makes a +quick swoop upon me and the hellish deed is done. I should be pleased to +hear from other victims of this practice suggesting any practical relief +short of homicide. I do not wish to kill a barber--there are several +other orders in ahead, referring to the persons I intend to kill off +first--but I may be driven to it. + +After he has gashed me casually hither and yen, and sluiced down my +helpless countenance with the carefree abandon of a livery-stable hand +washing off a buggy, and after, as above stated, he has covered up the +traces of his crime with powder, the barber next takes a towel and folds +it over his right hand, as prescribed in the rules and regulations, and +then he dabs me with that towel on various parts of my face nine hundred +and seventy-four--974--separate and distinct times. I know the exact +number of dabs because I have taken the trouble to keep count. I may +be in as great a hurry as you can imagine; I may be but a poor nervous +wreck already, as I am; I may be quivering to be up and away from there, +but he dabs me with his towel--he dabs me until reason totters on her +throne--sometimes just a tiny tot, as the saying goes, or it may be that +the whole cerebral structure is involved--and then when he is apparently +all through the Demoniac Dabber comes back and dabs me one more +fiendish, deliberate and premeditated dab, making nine hundred and +seventy-five dabs in all. He has to do it; it's in the ritual that I and +you and everybody must have that last dab. I wonder how many gibbering +idiots there are in the asylum today whose reason was overthrown by +being dabbed that last farewell dab. I know from my own experience that +I can feel the little dark-green gibbers sloshing round inside of me +every time it happens, and some day my mind will give away altogether +and there'll be a hurry call sent in for the wagon with the lock on the +back door. Yet it is of no avail to cavil or protest; we cannot hope to +escape; we can only sit there in mute and helpless misery and be filled +with a great envy for Mexican hairless dogs. + +For quite a spell now we have been speaking of hair on the face; at this +point we revert to hair in its relation to the head. There are some few +among us, mainly professional Southerners and leading men, who retain +the bulk of the hair on their heads through life; but with most of us +the circumstances are different. Your hair goes from you. You don't +seem to notice it at first; then all of a sudden you wake up to the +realization that your head is working its way up through the hair. You +start in then desperately doing things for your hair in the hope of +inducing it to stick round the old place a while longer, but it has +heard the call of the wild and it is on its way. There's no detaining +it. You soak your skull in lotions until your brain softens and your +hat-band gets moldy from the damp, but your hair keeps right on going. + +After a while it is practically gone. If only about two-thirds of it is +gone your head looks like a great auk's egg in a snug nest; but if +most of it goes there is something about you that suggests the Glacial +Period, with an icy barren peak rising high above the vegetation line, +where a thin line of heroic strands still cling to the slopes. You are +bald then, a subject fit for the japes of the wicked and universally +coupled in the betting with onions, with hard-boiled eggs and with the +front row of orchestra chairs at a musical show. + +At this time of writing baldness is creeping insidiously up each side of +my head. It is executing flank movements from the temples northward, and +some day the two columns will meet and after that I'll be considerably +more of a highbrow than I am now. At present I am craftily combing the +remaining thatch in the middle and smoothing it out nice and flat, so +as to keep those bare spots covered--thinly perhaps, but nevertheless +covered. It is my earnest desire to continue to keep them covered. I +am not a professional beauty; I am not even what you would call a good +amateur beauty; and I want to make what little hair I have go as far as +it conveniently can. But does the barber to whom I repair at frequent +intervals coincide with my desires in this respect? Again I reply he +does not. Every time I go in I speak to him about it. I say to him: +"Woodman, spare that hair, touch not a single strand; in youth it +sheltered me and I'll protect it now." Or in substance that. + +He says yes, he will, but he doesn't mean it. He waits until he can +catch me with my guard down. Then he seizes a comb, and using the edge +of his left hand as a bevel and operating his right with a sort of +free-arm Spencerian movement, he roaches my hair up in a scallop effect +on either side, and upon reaching the crest he fights with it and +wrestles with it until he makes it stand erect in a feather-edged +design. I can tell by his expression that he is pleased with this +arrangement. He loves to send his victims forth into the world tufted +like the fretful cockatoo. He likes to see surging waves of hair dash +high on a stern and rockbound head. His sense of the artistic demands +such a result. + +What cares he how I feel about it so long as the higher cravings of +his own nature are satisfied? But I resent it--I resent it bitterly. +I object to having my head look like a real-estate development with an +opening for a new street going up each side and an ornamental design in +fancy landscape gardening across the top. If I permit this I won't be +able to keep on saying that I was twenty-seven on my last birthday, with +some hope of getting away with it. So I insist that he put my front +hair right back where he found it. He does so, under protest and +begrudgingly, it is true, but he does it. And then, watching his +opportunity, he runs in on me and overpowers me and roaches it up some +more. + +If I weaken and submit he is happy as the day is long. If he gets it +roached up on both sides that will make me look like a horizontal-bar +performer, which is his idea of manly beauty. Or if he gets it roached +up on one side only there is still some consolation in it for him I'm +liable to be mistaken anywhere for a trained-animal performer. But once +in a very great while he doesn't get it roached up on either side, but +has to stand there and suffer as he sees me walk forth into the world +with my hair combed to suit me and not him. I can tell by his look that +he is grieved and downcast, and that he will probably go home and be +cross to the children. He has but one solace--he hopes to have better +luck with me next time. And probably he will. + +The last age of hair is a wig. But wigs are not so very satisfactory +either. I've seen all the known varieties of wigs, and I never saw one +yet that looked as though it were even on speaking terms with the head +that was under it. A wig always looks as though it were a total stranger +to the head and had just lit there a minute to rest, preparatory to +flying along to the next head. Nevertheless, I think on the whole I'll +be happier when my time comes to wear one, because then no barber can +roach me up. + + + + +HANDS AND FEET + + +Nearly every boy has a period in his life when he is filled with +an envious admiration for the East India god with the extra set of +arms--Vishnu, I think this party's name is. To a small boy it seems a +grand thing to have a really adequate assortment of hands. He considers +the advantage of such an arrangement in school--two hands in plain view +above the desk holding McGuffy's Fourth Reader at the proper angle for +study and the other two out of sight, down underneath the desk engaged +in manufacturing paper wads or playing crack-a-loo or some other really +worth while employment. + +Or for robbing birds' nests. There would be two hands for use in +skinning up the tree, and one hand for scaring off the mother bird and +one hand for stealing the eggs. And for hanging on behind wagons the +combination positively could not be beaten. Then there would be the +gaudy conspicuousness of going around with four arms weaving in and +out in a kind of spidery effect while less favored boys were forced to +content themselves with just an ordinary and insufficient pair. Really, +there was only one drawback to the contemplation of this scheme--there'd +be twice as many hands to wash when company was coming to dinner. + +Generally speaking a boy's hands give him no serious concern during the +first few years of his life except at such times as his mother grows +officious and fussy and insists that they ought to be washed up as far +as the regular place for washing a boy's hands, to wit, about midway +between the knuckles and the wrist. The fact that one finger is usually +in a state of mashedness is no drawback, but a benefit. The presence +of a soiled rag around a finger gives to a boy's hand a touch of +distinctiveness--singles it out from ordinary unmaimed hands. Its +presence has been known to excuse its happy possessor from such chores +as bringing in wood for the kitchen stove or pulling dock weeds out of +the grass in a front yard where it would be much easier and quicker to +pull the grass out of the dock weeds. It may even be made a source of +profit by removing the wrappings and charging two china marbles a look. +I seem to recall that in the case of a specially attractive injury, such +as a thumb nail knocked off or a deep cut which has refused to heal by +first intention or an imbedded splinter in process of being drawn out +by a scrap of fat meat, that as much as four china marbles could be +charged. + +On the Fourth of July you occasionally burned your hands and in cold +winters they chapped extensively across the knuckles but these were but +the marks and scars of honorable endeavor and a hardy endurance. In +our set the boy whose knuckles had the deepest cracks in them was +a prominent and admired figure, crowned, as you might say, with an +imaginary chaplet by reason of his chaps. + +With girls, of course, it was different. + +Girls were superfluous and unnecessary creatures with a false and +inflated idea of the value of soap and water. Their hands weren't +good for much anyway. Later on we discovered that a girl's hands were +excellent for holding purposes in a hammock or while coming back from +a straw ride, but I am speaking now of the earlier stages of our +development, before the presence of the ostensibly weaker sex began to +awaken responsive throbs in our several bosoms--in short when girls were +merely nuisances and things to be ignored whenever possible. In that +early stage of his existence hands have no altruistic or sentimental or +ornamental value for a boy--they are for useful purposes altogether and +are regarded as such. + +It is only when he has reached the age of tail coats and spike-fence +collars that he discovers two hands are frequently too many and often +not enough. They are too many at your first church wedding when wearing +your first pair of white kids and they are not enough at a five o'clock +tea. There is a type of male who can go to a five o'clock tea and not +fall over a lot of Louie Kahn's furniture or get himself hopelessly +tangled up in a hanging drapery and who can seem perfectly at ease while +holding in his hands a walking stick, a pair of dove colored gloves, +a two-quart hat, a cup of tea with a slice of lemon peel in it, a tea +spoon, a lump of sugar, a seed cookie, an olive, and the hand of a lady +with whom he is discussing the true meaning of the message of the late +Ibsen but these gifted mortals are not common. They are rare and exotic. +There are also some few who can do ushing at a church wedding with a +pair of white kids on and not appear overly self-conscious. These are +also the exceptions. The great majority of us suffer visibly under +such circumstances. You have the feeling that each hand weighs fully +twenty-four pounds and that it is hanging out of the sleeve for a +distance of about one and three-quarters yards and you don't know what +to do with your hands and on the whole would feel much more comfortable +and decorative if they were both sawed off at the wrists and hidden some +place where you couldn't find 'em. You have that feeling and you look +it. You look as though you were working in a plaster of paris factory +and were carrying home a couple of large sacks of samples. It would be +grand to be a Vishnu at a five o'clock tea, but awful to be one at a +church wedding. + +About the time you find yourself embarking on a career of teas and +weddings you also begin to find yourself worrying about the appearance +of your hands. Up until now the hands have given you no great concern +one way or the other, but some day you wake to the realization that you +need to be manicured. Once you catch that disease there is no hope for +you. There are ways of curing you of almost any habit except manicuring. +You get so that you aren't satisfied unless your nails run down about a +quarter of an inch further than nails were originally intended to run, +and unless they glitter freely you feel strangely distraught in company. +Inasmuch as no male creature's finger nails will glitter with the +desired degree of brilliancy for more than twenty-four short and +fleeting hours after a treatment you find yourself constantly in the +act of either just getting a manicure or just getting over one. It is +an expensive habit, too; it takes time and it takes money. There's the +fixed charge for manicuring in the first place and then there's the tip. +Once there was a manicure lady who wouldn't take a tip, but she is now +no more. Her indignant sisters stabbed her to death with hat pins and +nail-files. Manicuring as a public profession is a comparatively recent +development of our civilization. The fathers of the republic and the +founders of the constitution, which was founded first and has been +foundering ever since if you can believe what a lot of people in +Congress say--they knew nothing of manicuring. Speaking by and large, +they only got their thumbs wet when doing one of three things--taking a +bath, going in swimming or turning a page in a book. Washington probably +was never manicured nor Jefferson nor Franklin; it's a cinch that Daniel +Boone and Israel Putnam and George Rogers Clark weren't and yet it is +generally conceded that they got along fairly well without it. But as +the campaign orators are forever pointing out from the hustlers and the +forum, this is an age calling for change and advancement. And manicuring +is one of the advancements that likewise calls for the change--for fifty +cents in change anyhow and more if you are inclined to be generous with +the tip. + +Shall you ever forget your first manicure? The shan'ts are unanimously +in the majority. It seems an easy thing to walk into a manicure parlor +or a barber shop and shove your hands across a little table to a strange +young woman and tell her to go ahead and shine 'em up a bit--the way you +hear old veteran manicurees saying it. It seems easy, I say, and looks +easy; but it isn't as easy as it seems. Until you get hardened, it +requires courage of a very high order. You, the abashed novice, see +other men sitting in the front window of the manicure shop just as +debonair and cozy as though they'd been born and raised there, swapping +the ready repartee of the day with dashing creatures of a frequently +blonde aspect, and you imagine they have always done so. You little know +that these persons who are now appearing so much at home and who can +snap out those bright, witty things like "I gotcher Steve," and "Well, +see who's here?" without a moment's hesitation and without having to +stop and think for the right word or the right phrase but have it right +there on the tip of the tongue--you little reck that they too passed +through the same initiation which you now contemplate. Yet such is the +case. + +You have dress rehearsals--private ones--in your room. In the seclusion +of your bed chamber you picture yourself opening the door of the marble +manicure hall and stepping in with a brisk yet graceful tread--like +James K. Hackett making an entrance in the first act--and glancing about +you casually--like John Drew counting up the house--and saying "Hello +girlies, how're all the little Heart's Delights this afternoon?" just +like that, and picking out the most sumptuous and attractive of the +flattered young ladies in waiting; and sinking easily into the chair +opposite her--see photos of William Faversham and throwing the coat +lapels back, at the same time resting the left hand clenched upon the +upper thigh with the elbow well out--Donald Brian asking a lady to +waltz--and offering the right hand to the favored female and telling her +to go as far as she likes with it. It sounds simple when you figuring it +out alone, but it rarely works out that way in practice. It is my belief +that every woman longs for the novelty of a Turkish bath and every man +for the novelty of a manicure long before either dares to tackle it. +I may be wrong but this is my belief. And in the case of the man he +usually makes a number of false starts. + +You go to the portals and hesitate and then, stumbling across the +threshold, you either dive on through to the barber shop--if there is a +barber shop in connection--or else you mumble something about being in +a hurry and coming back again, and retreat with all the grace and ease +that would be shown by a hard shell crab that was trying to back into +the mouth of a milk-bottle. You are likely to do this several times; +but finally some day you stick. You slump down into one of those little +chairs and offer your hands or one of them to a calm and slightly +arrogant looking young lady and you tell her to please shine them up +a little. You endeavor to appear as though you had been doing this +at frequent periods stretching through a great number of years, but +she--bless her little heart!--she knows better than that. The female +of the manicuring species is not to be deceived by any such cheap and +transparent artifices. If you wore a peekaboo waist she couldn't see +through you any easier. Your hands would give you away if your face +didn't. In a sibulent aside, she addresses the young lady at the next +table--the one with the nine bracelets and the hair done up delicatessen +store mode--sausages, rolls and buns--whereupon both of them laugh in +a significant, silvery way, and you feel the back of your neck setting +your collar on fire. You can smell the bone button back there scorching +and you're glad it's not celluloid, celluloid being more inflammable and +subject to combustion when subjected to intense heat. + +When both have laughed their merry fill, the young woman who has you in +charge looks you right in the eye and says: + +"Dearie me; you'll pardon me saying so, but your nails are in a +perfectly turrible state. I don't think I've seen a jumpman's nails in +such a state for ever so long. Pardon me again--but how long has it been +since you had them did?" + +To which you reply in what is meant to be a jaunty and off-hand tone: + +"Oh quite some little while. I've--I've been out of town." + +"That's what I thought," she says with a slight shrug. It isn't so much +what she says--it's the way she says it, the tone and all that, which +makes you feel smaller and smaller until you could crawl into your own +watch pocket and live happily there ever after. There'd be slews of +room and when you wanted the air of an evening you could climb up in a +buttonhole of your vest and be quite cosy and comfortable. But shrink +as you may, there is now no hope of escape, for she has reached out and +grabbed you firmly by the wrist. She has you fast. You have a feeling +that eight or nine thousand people have assembled behind you and are all +gazing fixedly into the small of your back. The only things about you +that haven't shrivelled up are your hands. You can feel them growing +larger and larger and redder and redder and more prominent and +conspicuous every instant. + +The lady begins operations. You are astonished to note how many tools +and implements it takes to manicure a pair of hands properly. The top of +her little table is full of them and she pulls open a drawer and shows +you some more, ranged in rows. There are files and steel biters and +pigeon-toed scissors and scrapers and polishers and things; and wads of +cotton with which to staunch the blood of the wounded, and bottles of +liquid and little medicinal looking jars full of red paste; and a cut +glass crock with soap suds in it and a whole lot of little orange wood +stobbers. + +In the interest of truth I have taken the pains to enquire and I have +ascertained that these stobbers are invariably of orange wood. Say what +you will, the orange tree is a hardy growth. Every February you read in +the papers that the Florida orange crop, for the third consecutive time +since Christmas has been entirely and totally destroyed by frost and yet +there is always an adequate supply on hand of the principal products +of the orange-phosphate for the soda fountains, blossoms for the bride, +political sentiment for the North of Ireland and little sharp stobbers +for the manicure lady. Speaking as an outsider I would say that there +ought to be other varieties of wood that would serve as well and bring +about the desired results as readily--a good thorny variety of poison +ivy ought to fill the bill, I should think. But it seems that orange +wood is absolutely essential. A manicure lady could no more do a +manicure properly without using an orange wood stobber at certain +periods than a cartoonist could draw a picture of a man in jail without +putting a ball and chain on him or a summer resort could get along +without a Lover's Leap within easy walking distance of the hotel. It +simply isn't done, that's all. + +Well, as I was saying, she gets out her tool kit and goes to work +on you. You didn't dream that there were so many things--mainly of +a painful nature--that could be done to a single finger nail and you +flinch as you suddenly remember that you have ten of them in all, +counting thumbs in with fingers. She takes a finger nail in hand and she +files it and she trims it and she softens it with hot water and hardens +it with chemicals and parboils it a little while and then she cuts off +the hang nails--if there aren't any hang nails there already she'll +make a few--and she shears away enough extra cuticle to cover quite a +good-sized little boy. She goes over you with a bristle brush, and warms +up your nerve ends until you tingle clear back to your dorsal fin and +then she takes one of those orange wood stobbers previously referred to, +and goes on an exploring expedition down under the nail, looking for the +quick. She always finds it. There is no record of a failure to find +the quick. Having found it she proceeds to wake it up and teach it some +parlor tricks. I may not have set forth all these various details in the +exact order in which they take place, but I know she does them all. And +somewhere along about the time when she is half way through with the +first hand she makes you put the other hand in the suds. + +Later on when you have had more practice at this thing you learn to wait +for the signal before plunging the second hand into the suds, but being +green on this occasion, you are apt to mistake the moving of the crock +of suds over from the right hand side to the left hand side as a notice +and to poke your untouched hand right in without further orders, hoping +to get it softened up well so as to save her trouble in trimming it down +to a size which will suit her. But this is wrong--this is very wrong, +as she tells you promptly, with a pitying smile for your ignorance. +Manicure girls are as careful about boiling a hand as some particular +people are about bailing their eggs for breakfast of a morning. A two +minute hand is no pleasure to her absolutely if she has diagnosed your +hand as one calling for six minutes, or vice versa. So, should you err +in this regard she will snatch the offending hand out and wipe it off +and give it back to you and tell you to keep it in a dry place until she +calls for it. Manicure girls are very funny that way. + +Thus time passes on and on and by degrees you begin to feel more and +more at home. Your bashfulness is wearing off. The coherent power of +speech has returned to you and you have exchanged views with her on the +relative merits of the better known brands of chewing gum and which kind +holds the flavor longest, and you have swapped ideas on the issue of +whether ladies should or should not smoke cigarettes in public and she +knows how much your stick pin cost you and you know what her favorite +flower is. You are getting along fine, when all of a sudden she dabs +your nails with a red paste and then snatches up a kind of a polishing +tool and ferociously rubs your fingers until they catch on fire. Just +when the conflagration threatens to become general she stops using the +polisher and proceeds to cool down the ruins by gently burnishing your +nails against the soft, pink palm of her hand. You like this better than +the other way. You could ignite yourself by friction almost any time, +if you got hold of the right kind of a chamois skin rubber, but this is +quite different and highly soothing. You are beginning to really enjoy +the sensation when she roguishly pats the back of your hand--pitty +pat--as a signal that the operation is now over. You pay the check and +tip the lady--tip her fifty cents if you wish to be regarded as a lovely +jumpman or only twenty-five cents if you are satisfied with being a +vurry nice fella--and you secure your hat and step forth into the open +with the feeling of one who has taken a trip into a distant domain and +on the whole has rather enjoyed it. + +You stand in the sunlight and waggle your fingers and you are struck +with the desirable glitter that flits from finger tip to finger tip +like a heleograph winking on a mountain top. It is indeed a pleasing +spectacle. You decide that hereafter you will always glitter so. It is +cheaper than wearing diamonds and much more refined, and so you take +good care of your fingers all that day and carefully refrain from +dipping them in the brine while engaged in the well known indoor sport +of spearing for dill pickles at the business men's lunch. + +But the next morning when you wake up the desirable glitter is gone. +You only glimmer dully--your fingers do not sparkle and dazzle and +scintillate as they did. As Francois Villon, the French poet would +undoubtedly have said had manicures been known at the time he was +writing his poems, "Where are the manicures of yesterday?" instead of +making it, "Where are the snows of yesteryear?" there being no answer +ready for either question, except that the manicures of yesterday like +the snows of yesteryear are never there when you start looking for them. +They have just naturally got up and gone away, leaving no forwarding +address. + +You have now been launched upon your career as a manicuree. You never +get over it. You either get married and your wife does your nails for +you, thus saving you large sums of money, but failing to impart the high +degree of polish and the spice of romance noticed in connection with +the same job when done away from home, or you continue to patronize the +regular establishments and become known in time as Polished Percival, +the Pet of the Manicure Parlor. But in either event your hands which +once were hands and nothing more, have become a source of added trouble +and expense to you. + +Speaking of hands naturally brings one to the subject of feet, which was +intended originally to be the theme for the last half of this chapter, +but unfortunately I find I have devoted so much space to your hands that +there is but little room left for your feet and so far as your feet are +concerned, we must content ourselves on this occasion with a few general +statements. + +Feet, I take it, speaking both from experience and observation, are even +more trouble to us than hands are. There are still a good many of us +left who go through life without doing anything much for our hands but +with our feet it is different. They thrust themselves upon us so to +speak, demanding care and attention. This goes for all sizes and all +ages of feet. From the time you are a small boy and suffer from stone +bruises in the summer and chilblains in the winter, on through life +you're beset with corns and callouses and falling of the instep and all +the other ills that feet are heir to. + +The rich limp with the gout, the moderately well to do content +themselves with an active ingrown nail or so, and the poor man goes out +and drops an iron casting on his toe. Nearly every male who lives to +reach the voting age has a period of mental weakness in his youth when +he wears those pointed shoes that turn up at the ends, like sleigh +runners; and spends the rest of his life regretting it. Feet are +certainly ungrateful things. I might say that they are proverbially +ungrateful. You do for them and they do you. You get one corn, hard or +soft, cured up or removed bodily and a whole crowd of its relatives +come to take its place. I imagine that Nature intended we should go +barefooted and is now getting even with us because we didn't. Our poor, +painful feet go with us through all the years and every step in life is +marked by a pang of some sort. And right on up to the end of our days, +our feet are getting more infirm and more troublesome and more crotchety +and harder to bear with all the time. How many are there right now +who have one foot in the grave and the other at the chiropodist's? +Thousands, I reckon. + +Napoleon said an army traveled on its stomach. I don't blame the army, +far from it; I've often wished I could travel that way myself, and +I've no doubt so has every other man who ever crowded a number nine and +three-quarters foot into a number eight patent-leather shoe, and then +went to call on friends residing in a steam-heated apartment. As what +man has not? Once the green-corn dance was an exclusive thing with the +Sioux Indians, but it may now be witnessed when one man steps on another +man's toes in a crowd. + +We are accustomed to make fun of the humble worm of the dust but in +one respect the humble worm certainly has it on us. He goes through +existence without any hands and any feet to bother him. Indeed in this +regard I can think of but one creature in all creation who is worse off +than we poor humans are. That is the lowly ear wig. Think of being an +ear wig, that suffers from fallen arches himself and has a wife that +suffers from cold feet! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Cobb's Anatomy, by Irvin S. 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