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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/1222-0.txt b/1222-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d39af3a --- /dev/null +++ b/1222-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1598 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1222 *** + +COBB'S ANATOMY + +By Irvin S. Cobb + + + To G. H. L. + + Who stood godfather to these contents + + + + +Preface + +This Space To-Let to Any Reputable Party Desiring a Good Preface + + + +Contents + + I. Tummies + II. Teeth + III. Hair + IV. Hands and feet + + + + +TUMMIES + + +Dr. Woods Hutchinson says that fat people are happier than other people. +How does Dr. Woods Hutchinson know? Did he ever have to leave the two +top buttons of his vest unfastened on account of his extra chins? Has +the pressure from within against the waistband where the watchfob is +located ever been so great in his case that he had partially to undress +himself to find out what time it was? Does he have to take the tailor's +word for it that his trousers need pressing? + +He does not. And that sort of a remark is only what might be +expected from any person upward of seven feet tall and weighing about +ninety-eight pounds with his heavy underwear on. I shall freely take Dr. +Woods Hutchinson's statements on the joys and ills of the thin. But when +he undertakes to tell me that fat people are happier than thin +people, it is only hearsay evidence with him and decline to accept his +statements unchallenged. He is going outside of his class. He is, as you +might say, no more than an innocent bystander. Whereas I am a qualified +authority. + +I will admit that at one stage of my life, I regarded fleshiness as a +desirable asset. The incident came about in this way. There was a circus +showing in our town and a number of us proposed to attend it. It was +one of those one-ring, ten-cent circuses that used to go about over the +country, and it is my present recollection that all of us had funds laid +by sufficient to buy tickets; but if we could procure admission in the +regular way we felt it would be a sinful waste of money to pay our way +in. + +With this idea in mind we went scouting round back of the main tent to a +comparatively secluded spot, and there we found a place where the canvas +side-wall lifted clear of the earth for a matter of four or five inches. +We held an informal caucus to decide who should should go first. +The honor lay between two of us--between the present writer, who +was reasonably skinny, and another boy, named Thompson, who was +even skinnier. He won, as the saying is, on form. It was decided by +practically a unanimous vote, he alone dissenting, that he should crawl +under and see how the land lay inside. If everything was all right he +would make it known by certain signals and we would then follow, one by +one. + +Two of us lifted the canvas very gently and this Thompson boy started +to wriggle under. He was about halfway in when--zip!--like a flash he +bodily vanished. He was gone, leaving only the marks where his toes had +gouged the soil. Startled, we looked at one another. There was something +peculiar about this. Here was a boy who had started into a circus tent +in a circumspect, indeed, a highly cautious manner, and then finished +the trip with undue and sudden precipitancy. It was more than +peculiar--it bordered upon the uncanny. It was sinister. Without a word +having been spoken we decided to go away from there. + +Wearing expressions of intense unconcern and sterling innocence upon our +young faces we did go away from there and drifted back in the general +direction of the main entrance. We arrived just in time to meet our +young friend coming out. He came hurriedly, using his hands and his +feet both, his feet for traveling and his hands for rubbing purposes. +Immediately behind him was a large, coarse man using language that +stamped him as a man who had outgrown the spirit of youth and was +preeminently out of touch with the ideals and aims of boyhood. + +At that period it seemed to me and to the Thompson boy, who was moved to +speak feelingly on the subject, and in fact to all of us, that excessive +slimness might have its drawbacks. Since that time several of us have +had occasion to change our minds. With the passage of years we have +fleshened up, and now we know better. The last time I saw the Thompson +boy he was known as Excess-Baggage Thompson. His figure in profile +suggested a man carrying a roll-top desk in his arms and his face looked +like a face that had refused to jell and was about to run down on his +clothes. He spoke longingly of the days of his youth and wondered if the +shape of his knees had changed much since the last time he saw them. + +Yes sir, no matter what Doctor Hutchinson says, I contend that the slim +man has all the best of it in this world. The fat man is the universal +goat; he is humanity's standing joke. Stomachs are the curse of our +modern civilization. When a man gets a stomach his troubles begin. If +you doubt this ask any fat man--I started to say ask any fat woman, too. +Only there aren't any fat women to speak of. There are women who are +plump and will admit it; there are even women who are inclined to be +stout. But outside of dime museums there are no fat women. But there are +plenty of fat men. Ask one of them. Ask any one of them. Ask me. + +This thing of acquiring a tummy steals on one insidiously, like a thief +in the night. You notice that you are plumping out a trifle and for the +time being you feel a sort of small personal satisfaction in it. Your +shirts fit you better. You love the slight strain upon the buttonholes. +You admire the pleasant plunking sound suggestive of ripe watermelons +when you pat yourself. Then a day comes when the persuasive odor of +mothballs fills the autumnal air and everybody at the barber shop is +having the back of his neck shaved also, thus betokening awakened social +activities, and when evening is at hand you take the dress-suit, which +fitted you so well, out of the closet where it has been hanging and +undertake to back yourself into it. You are pained to learn that it is +about three sizes too small. At first you are inclined to blame the +suit for shrinking, but second thought convinces you that the fault lies +elsewhere. It is you that have swollen, not the suit that has shrunk. +The buttons that should adorn the front of the coat are now plainly +visible from the rear. + +You buy another dress-suit and next fall you have out-grown that one +too. You pant like a lizard when you run to catch a car. You cross your +legs and have to hold the crossed one on with both hands to keep your +stomach from shoving it off in space. After a while you quit crossing +them and are content with dawdling yourself on your own lap. You are +fat! Dog-gone it--you are fat! + +You are up against it and it is up against you, which is worse. You are +something for people to laugh at. You are also expected to laugh. It +is all right for a thin man to be grouchy; people will say the poor +creature has dyspepsia and should be humored along. But a fat man with +a grouch is inexcusable in any company--there is so much of him to be +grouchy. He constitutes a wave of discontent and a period of general +depression. He is not expected to be romantic and sentimental either. It +is all right for a giraffe to be sentimental, but not a hippopotamus. If +you doubt me consult any set of natural history pictures. The giraffe is +shown with his long and sinuous neck entwined in fond embrace about the +neck of his mate; but the amphibious, blood-sweating hippo is depicted +as spouting and wallowing, morose and misanthropic, in a mud puddle +off by himself. In passing I may say that I regard this comparison as +a particularly apt one, because I know of no living creature so truly +amphibious in hot weather as an open-pored fat man, unless it is a +hippopotamus. + +Oh how true is the saying that nobody loves a fat man! When fat comes up +on the front porch love jumps out of the third-story window. Love in +a cottage? Yes. Love in a rendering plant? No. A fat man's heart is +supposed to lie so far inland that the softer emotions cannot reach it +at all. Yet the fattest are the truest, if you did but know it, and +also they are the tenderest and a man with a double chin rarely leads a +double life. For one thing, it requires too much moving round. + +A fat man cannot wear the clothes he would like to wear. As a race fat +men are fond of bright and cheerful colors; but no fat man can indulge +his innocent desires in this direction without grieving his family and +friends and exciting the derisive laughter of the unthinking. If he puts +on a fancy-flowered vest, they'll say he looks like a Hanging Garden +of Babylon. And yet he has a figure just made for showing off a +fancy-flowered vest to best effect. He may favor something in light +checks for his spring suit; but if he ventures abroad in a checked suit, +ribald strangers will look at him meaningly and remark to one another +that the center of population appears to be shifting again. It has +been my observation that fat men are instinctively drawn to short tan +overcoats for the early fall. But a fat man in a short tan overcoat, +strolling up the avenue of a sunny afternoon, will be constantly +overhearing persons behind him wondering why they didn't wait until +night to move the bank vault. That irks him sore; but if he turns round +to reproach them he is liable to shove an old lady or a poor blind +man off the sidewalk, and then, like as not, some gamin will sing out: +"Hully gee, Chimmy, wot's become of the rest of the parade? 'Ere's the +bass drum goin' home all by itself." + +I've known of just such remarks being made and I assure you they cut a +sensitive soul to the core. Not for the fat man are the snappy clothes +for varsity men and the patterns called by the tailors confined because +that is what they should be but aren't. Not for him the silken shirt +with the broad stripes. Shirts with stripes that were meant to run +vertically but are caused to run horizontally, by reasons over which +the wearer has no control, remind others of the awning over an Italian +grocery. So the fat man must stick to sober navy blues and depressing +blacks and melancholy grays. He is advised that he should wear his +evening clothes whenever possible, because black and white lines are +more becoming to him. But even in evening clothes, that wide expanse of +glazed shirt and those white enamel studs will put the onlookers in mind +of the front end of a dairy lunch or so I have been cruelly told. + +When planning public utilities, who thinks of a fat man? There never was +a hansom cab made that would hold a fat man comfortably unless he left +the doors open, and that makes him feel undressed. There never was an +orchestra seat in a theater that would contain all of him at the same +time--he churns up and sloshes out over the sides. Apartment houses and +elevators and hotel towels are all constructed upon the idea that the +world is populated by stock-size people with those double-A-last shapes. + +Take a Pullman car, for instance. One of the saddest sights known is +that of a fat man trying to undress on one of those closet shelves +called upper berths without getting hopelessly entangled in the hammock +or committing suicide by hanging himself with his own suspenders. And +after that, the next most distressing sight is the same fat man after +he has undressed and is lying there, spouting like a sperm-whale and +overflowing his reservation like a crock of salt-rising dough in a warm +kitchen, and wondering how he can turn over without bulging the side of +the car and maybe causing a wreck. Ah me, those dark green curtains with +the overcoat buttons on them hide many a distressful spectacle from the +traveling public! + +If a fat man undertakes to reduce nobody sympathizes with him. A +thin man trying to fatten up so he won't fall all the way through his +trousers when he draws 'em on in the morning is an object of sympathy +and of admiration, and people come from miles round and give him advice +about how to do it. But suppose a fat man wants to train down to a point +where, when he goes into a telephone booth and says "Ninety-four Broad," +the spectators will know he is trying to get a number and not telling +his tailor what his waist measure is. + +Is he greeted with sympathetic understanding? He is not. He is greeted +with derision and people stand round and gloat at him. The authorities +recommend health exercises, but health exercises are almost invariably +undignified in effect and wearing besides. Who wants to greet the dewy +morn by lying flat on his back and lifting his feet fifty times? What +kind of a way is that to greet the dewy morn anyhow? And bending over +with the knees stiff and touching the tips of the toes with the tips +of the fingers--that's no employment for a grown man with a family to +support and a position to maintain in society. Besides which it +cannot be done. I make the statement unequivocally and without fear +of successful contradiction that it cannot be done. And if it could +be done--which as I say it can't--there would be no real pleasure in +touching a set of toes that one has known of only by common rumor for +years. Those toes are the same as strangers to you--you knew they were +in the neighborhood, of course, but you haven't been intimate with them. + +Maybe you try dieting, which is contrary to nature. Nature intended that +a fat man should eat heartily, else why should she endow him with the +capacity and the accommodations. Starving in the midst of plenty is not +for him who has plenty of midst. Nature meant that a fat man should have +an appetite and that he should gratify it at regular intervals--meant +that he should feel like the Grand Canyon before dinner and like the +Royal Gorge afterward. Anyhow, dieting for a fat man consists in not +eating anything that's fit to eat. The specialist merely tells him to +eat what a horse would eat and has the nerve to charge him for what +he could have found out for himself at any livery stable. Of course +he might bant in the same way that a woman bants. You know how a woman +bants. She begins the day very resolutely, and if you are her husband +you want to avoid irritating her or upsetting her, because hell hath no +fury like a woman banting. For breakfast she takes a swallow of lukewarm +water and half of a soda cracker. For luncheon she takes the other +half of the cracker and leaves off the water. For dinner she orders +everything on the menu except the date and the name of the proprietor. +She does this in order to give her strength to go on with the treatment. + +No fat man would diet that way; but no matter which way he does diet it +doesn't do him any good. Health exercises only make him muscle-sore and +bring on what the Harvard ball team call the Charles W. Horse; while +banting results in attacks of those kindred complaints--the Mollie K. +Grubbs and the Fan J. Todds. + +Walking is sometimes recommended and the example of the camel is pointed +out, the camel being a creature that can walk for days and days. But, +as has been said by some thinking person, who in thunder wants to be a +camel? The subject of horseback riding is also brought up frequently in +this connection. It is one of the commonest delusions among fat men +that horseback riding will bring them down and make them sylphlike and +willowy. I have several fat men among my lists of acquaintances who +labor under this fallacy. None of them was ever a natural-born horseback +rider; none of them ever will be. I like to go out of a bright morning +and take a comfortable seat on a park bench--one park bench is plenty +roomy enough if nobody else is using it--and sit there and watch these +unhappy persons passing single file along the bridle-path. I sit there +and gloat until by rights I ought to be required to take out a gloater's +license. + +Mind you, I have no prejudice against horseback riding as such. +Horseback riding is all right for mounted policemen and Colonel W. F. +Cody and members of the Stickney family and the party who used to play +Mazeppa in the sterling drama of that name. That is how those persons +make their living. They are suited for it and acclimated to it. It is +also all right for equestrian statues of generals in the Civil War. But +it is not a fit employment for a fat man and especially for a fat man +who insists on trying to ride a hard-trotting horse English style, which +really isn't riding at all when you come right down to cases, but an +outdoor cure for neurasthenia invented, I take it, by a British subject +who was nervous himself and hated to stay long in one place. So, as I +was saying, I sit there on my comfortable park bench and watch +those friends of mine bouncing by, each wearing on his face that set +expression which is seen also on the faces of some men while waltzing, +and on the faces of most women when entertaining their relatives by +marriage. I have one friend who is addicted to this form of punishment +in a violent, not to say a malignant form. He uses for his purpose a +tall and self-willed horse of the Tudor period--a horse with those high +dormer effects and a sloping mansard. This horse must have been raised, +I think, in the knockabout song-and-dance business. Every time he hears +music or thinks he hears it he stops and vamps with his feet. When +he does this my friend bends forward and clutches him round the neck +tightly. I think he is trying to whisper in the horse's ear and beg him +in Heaven's name to forbear; but what he looks like is Santa Claus with +a clean shave, sitting on the combing of a very steep house with his +feet hanging over the eaves, peeking down the chimney to see if the +children are asleep yet. When that horse dies he will still have finger +marks on his throat and the authorities will suspect foul play probably. + +Once I tried it myself. I was induced to scale the heights of a horse +that was built somewhat along the general idea of the Andes Mountains, +only more rugged and steeper nearing the crest. From the ground he +looked to be not more than sixteen hands high, but as soon as I was up +on top of him I immediately discerned that it was not sixteen hands--it +was sixteen miles. What I had taken for the horse's blaze face was +a snow-capped peak. Miss Anna Peck might have felt at home up there, +because she has had the experience and is used to that sort of thing, +but I am no mountain climber myself. + +Before I could make any move to descend to the lower and less rarefied +altitudes the horse began executing a few fancy steps, and he started +traveling sidewise with a kind of a slanting bias movement that was +extremely disconcerting, not to say alarming, instead of proceeding +straight ahead as a regular horse would. I clung there astraddle of his +ridge pole, with my fingers twined in his mane, trying to anticipate +where he would be next, in order to be there to meet him if possible; +and I resolved right then that, if Providence in His wisdom so willed it +that I should get down from up there alive, I would never do so again. +However, I did not express these longings in words--not at that time. At +that time there were only two words in the English language which seemed +to come to me. One of them was "Whoa" and the other was "Ouch," and +I spoke them alternately with such rapidity that they merged into the +compound word "Whouch," which is a very expressive word and one that I +would freely recommend to others who may be situated as I was. + +At that moment, of all the places in the world that I could think +of--and I could think of a great many because the events of my past +life were rapidly flashing past me--as is customary, I am told, in other +cases of grave peril, such as drowning--I say of all the places in the +world there were just two where I least desired to be--one was up on top +of that horse and the other was down under him. But it seemed to be a +choice of the two evils, and so I chose the lesser and got under him. I +did this by a simple expedient that occurred to me at the moment. I fell +off. I was tramped on considerably, and the earth proved to be harder +than it looked when viewed from an approximate height of sixteen miles +up, but I lived and breathed--or at least I breathed after a time +had elapsed--and I was satisfied. And so, having gone through this +experience myself, I am in position to appreciate what any other man +of my general build is going through as I see him bobbing by--the poor +martyr, sacrificing himself as a burnt offering, or anyway a blistered +one--on the high altar of a Gothic ruin of a horse. And, besides, I +know that riding a horse doesn't reduce a fat man. It merely reduces the +horse. + +So it goes--the fat man is always up against it. His figure is +half-masted in regretful memory of the proportions he had once, and +he is made to mourn. Most sports and many gainful pursuits are closed +against him. He cannot play lawn tennis, or, at least according to my +observation, he cannot play lawn tennis oftener than once in two weeks. +In between games he limps round, stiff as a hat tree and sore as a +mashed thumb. Time was when he might mingle in the mystic mazes of the +waltz, tripping the light fantastic toe or stubbing it, as the case may +be. But that was in the days of the old-fashioned square dance, which +was the fat man's friend among dances, and also of the old-fashioned +two-step, and not in these times when dancing is a cross between a +wrestling match, a contortion act and a trip on a roller-coaster, and is +either named for an animal, like the Bunny Hug and the Tarantula Glide, +or for a town, like the Mobile Mop-Up, and the Far Rockaway Rock and the +South Bend Bend. His friends would interfere--or the authorities would. +He can go in swimming, it is true; but if he turns over and floats, +people yell out that somebody has set the life raft adrift; and if he +basks at the water's edge, boats will come in and try to dock alongside +him; and if he takes a sun bath on the beach and sunburns, there's so +everlasting much of him to be sunburned that he practically amounts to a +conflagration. He can't shoot rapids, craps or big game with any degree +of comfort; nor play billiards. He can't get close enough to the table +to make the shots, and he puts all the English on himself and none of it +on the cue ball. + +Consider the gainful pursuits. Think how many of them are denied to the +man who may have energy and ability but is shut out because there are a +few extra terraces on his front lawn. A fat man cannot be a leading man +in a play. Nobody desires a fat hero for a novel. A fat man cannot go +in for aeroplaning. He cannot be a wire-walker or a successful walker +of any of the other recognized brands--track, cake, sleep or floor. He +doesn't make a popular waiter. Nobody wants a fat waiter on a hot day. +True, you may make him bring your order under covered dishes, but +even so, there is still that suggestion of rain on a tin roof that is +distasteful to so many. + +So I repeat that fat people are always getting the worst of it, and I +say again, of all the ills that flesh is heir to, the worst is the flesh +itself. As the poet says--"The world, the flesh and the devil"--and +there you have it in a sentence--the flesh in between, catching the +devil on one side and the jeers of the world on the other. I don't care +what Dr. Woods Hutchinson or any other thin man says! I contend that +history is studded with instances of prominent persons who lost out +because they got fat. Take Cleopatra now, the lady to whom Marc Antony +said: "I am dying, Egypt, dying," and then refrained from doing so for +about nineteen more stanzas. Cleo or Pat--she was known by both names, +I hear--did fairly well as a queen, as a coquette and as a promoter of +excursions on the river--until she fleshened up. Then she flivvered. +Doctor Johnson was a fat man and he suffered from prickly heat, and from +Boswell, and from the fact that he couldn't eat without spilling most +of the gravy on his second mezzanine landing. As a thin and spindly +stripling Napoleon altered the map of Europe and stood many nations on +their heads. It was after he had grown fat and pursy that he landed +on St. Helena and spent his last days on a barren rock, with his arms +folded, posing for steel engravings. Nero was fat, and he had a lot of +hard luck in keeping his relatives--they were almost constantly dying on +him and he finally had to stab himself with one of those painful-looking +old Roman two-handed swords, lest something really serious befall him. +Falstaff was fat, and he lost the favor of kings in the last act. Coming +down to our own day and turning to a point no farther away than the +White House at Washington--but have we not enough examples without +becoming personal? Yes, I know Julius Caesar said: "Let me have men +about me that are fat." But you bet it wasn't in the heated period when +J. Caesar said that! + + + + +TEETH + + +One of the most pleasant features about being born, as I conceive it, +is that we are born without teeth. I believe there have been a few +exceptions to this rule--Richard the Third, according to the accounts, +came into the world equipped with all his teeth and a perfectly +miserable disposition; and once in a while, especially during Roosevelt +years, when the Colonel's picture is hanging on the walls of so many +American homes, we read in the paper that a baby has just been born +somewhere with a full set, and even, as in the case of the infant son +of a former member of the Rough Riders, with nose glasses and a +close-cropped mustache. This, however, may have been a pardonable +exaggeration of the real facts. As I recall now, it was reported in a +dispatch to the New York Tribune from Lover's Leap, Iowa, during the +presidential campaign eight years ago. + +In the main, though, we are born without teeth. We are born without a +number of things--clothes for example--although Anthony Comstock is said +to be pushing a law requiring all children to be born with overalls on; +but teeth is the subject which we are now discussing. This absence of +teeth tends to give the very young of our species the appearance in the +face of an old fashioned buckskin purse with the draw string broken, but +be that as it may, we are generally fairly well content with life until +the teeth begin to come. + +First there are the milk teeth. Right there our troubles start. To use +the term commonly in use, we cut them, although as a matter of fact, +they cut us--cut them with the aid of some such mussy thing as a +toothing ring or the horny part of the nurse's thumb, or the reverse +side of a spoon--cut them at the cost of infinite suffering, not only +for ourselves but for everybody else in the vicinity. And about the time +we get the last one in we begin to lose the first one out. They go one +at a time, by falling out, or by being yanked out, or by coming out of +their own accord when we eat molasses taffy. They were merely what +you might call our Entered Apprentice teeth. We go in now for the full +thirty-two degrees--one degree for each tooth and thirty-two teeth to +a set. By arduous and painful processes, stretching over a period +of years, we get our regular teeth--the others were only +volunteers--concluding with the wisdom teeth, as so called, but it is a +misnomer, because there never is room for them and they have to stand +up in the back row and they usually arrive with holes in them, and if we +really possessed any wisdom we would figure out some way of abolishing +them altogether. They come late and crowd their way in and push the +other teeth out of line and so we go about for months with the top of +our mouths filled with braces and wires and things, so that when we +breathe hard we sob and croon inside of ourselves like an Aeolean harp. + +But in any event we get them all and no sooner do we get them than we +begin to lose them. They develop cavities and aches and extra roots and +we spend a good part of our lives and most of our substance with the +dentist. Nevertheless, in spite of all we can do and all he can do, we +keep on losing them. And after awhile, they are all gone and our face +folds up on us like a crush hat or a concertina and from our brow to our +chin we don't look much more than a third as long as we used to look. +We dislike this folded-up appearance naturally--who wouldn't? And we get +tired of living on spoon victuals and the memory of past beef-steaks. So +we go and get some false ones made. They have to be made to order; +there appears to be no market for custom made teeth; you never see any +hand-me-down teeth advertised, guaranteed to fit any face and withstand +a damp climate. Getting them made to order is a long and unhappy process +and I will pass over it briefly. Having got them, we find that they do +not fit us or that we do not fit them, which comes to the same thing. +The dentist makes them fit by altering us some and the teeth some, and +after some months they quit feeling as though they didn't belong to us +but had been borrowed temporarily from somebody's loan collection of +ceramics. + +But just about the time they are becoming acclimated and we are getting +used to them, the interior of our mouth for private reasons best known +to itself changes around materially and we either have to go back and +start all over and go through the whole thing again, or else haply we +die and pass on to the bourne from which no traveller returneth either +with his teeth or without them. If Shakespeare had only thought of +it--and he did think of a number of things from time to time--he might +have divided his Seven Ages of Man much better by making them the Seven +Ages of Teeth as follows: First age--no tooth; second age--milk teeth; +third age--losing 'em; fourth age--getting more teeth; fifth +age--losing 'em; sixth age--getting false teeth and finding they aren't +satisfactory; seventh age--toothless again. + +I knew a man once who was a gunsmith and lost all his teeth at a +comparatively early age. He went along that way for years. He had to +eschew the tenderloin for the reason that he couldn't chew it, and he +had to cut out hickory nut cake and corn on the ear and such things. But +there is nothing about the art of gunsmithing which seems to call for +teeth, so he got along very well, living in a little house with the wife +of his bosom and a faithful housedog named Ponto. But when he was past +sixty he went and got himself some teeth from the dentist. He did this +without saying anything about it at home; he was treasuring it up for a +surprise. The corner stone was laid in May and the scaffolding was all +up by July and in August the new teeth were dedicated with suitable +ceremonies. + +They altered his appearance materially. His nose and chin which had been +on terms of intimacy now rubbed each other a last fond good-bye and his +face lost that accordion-pleated look and straightened out and became +about six or seven inches longer from top to bottom. He now had a sort +of determined aspect like the iron jawed lady in a circus, whereas +before his face had the appearance of being folded over and wadded +down inside of his neck band, so his hat could rest comfortably on his +collar. He knew he was altered, but he didn't realize how much he was +altered until he went home that evening and walked proudly in the front +gate. His wife who was timid about strangers, slammed the door right in +his face and faithful Ponto came out from under the porch steps and bit +him severely in the calf of the leg. There was only one consolation +in it for him--for the first time in a long number of years he was in +position to bite back. + +And that's how it is with teeth--with your teeth let us say--for right +here I'm going to drop the personal pronoun and speak of them as your +teeth from now on. If anybody has to suffer it might as well be you and +not me; I expect to be busy telling about it. As I started to say awhile +ago, you--remember it's you from this point--you get your regular teeth +and they start right in giving you trouble. Every little while one of +them bursts from its cell with a horrible yell and in the lulls between +pangs you go forth among men with the haunted look in your eye of one +who is listening for the footfalls of a dread apparition, and one half +of your head is puffed out of plumb as though you were engaged in the +whimsical idea of holding an egg plant in the side of your jaw. A kind +friend meets you, and, speaking with that high courage and that lofty +spirit of sacrifice which a kind friend always exhibits when it's your +tooth that is kicking up the rumpus and not his, he tells you you ought +to have something done for it right away. You know that as well as he +does, but you hate to have the subject brought up. It's your toothache +anyhow. It originated with you. You are its proud parent but not so +awfully proud at that. Mother and child doing as well as could be +expected, but not expected to do very well. + +But these friends of yours keep on shoving their free advice on you and +the tooth keeps on getting worse and worse until the pain spreads all +through the First Ward and finally you grab your resolution in both +hands to keep it from leaking out between your fingers and you go to the +dentist's. + +This happens so many times that after awhile you lose count and so would +the dentist, if he didn't write your name down every time in his little +red book with pleasingly large amounts entered opposite to it. It seems +to you that you are always doing something for your teeth? You have them +pulled and pushed and shoved and filled and unfilled and refilled and +excavated and blasted and sculptured and scroll-sawed and a lot of other +things that you wouldn't think could be done legally without a building +permit. As time passes on, the inside of your once well-tilled and +commodious head becomes but little more than a recent site. Your vaults +have been blown and most of your contents abstracted by Amalgam Mike +and Dental Slim, the Demon Yeggmen of the Human Face. You are merely the +scattered clews left behind for the authorities to work on; you are the +faint traces of the fiendish crime. You are the point marked X. + +But all along there is generally one tooth that has behaved herself like +a lady. Other teeth may have betrayed your confidence but Old Faithful +has hung on, attending to business, asking only for standing room and +kind treatment. The others you may view with alarm, but to this tooth +you can point with pride. But have a care--she is deceiving you. + +Some night you go to bed and have a dream. In your dream it seems to you +that a fox terrier is chasing a woodchuck around and around the inside +of your head. In that tangled sort of fashion peculiar to dreams your +sympathy seems to go out first to the fox terrier and then to the +woodchuck as they circle about nimbly, leaping from your tonsils to your +larynx and then up over the rafters in the roof of your mouth and down +again and pattering over the sub-maxillary from side to side. But about +then you wake up with a violent start and decide that any sympathy +you may have in stock should be reserved for personal use exclusively, +because at this moment the dog trees the woodchuck at the base of +that cherished tooth of yours and starts to dig him out. He is a very +determined dog and very active, but he needs a manicure. You are struck +by that fact almost immediately. + +Uttering some of those trite and commonplace remarks that are customary +for use under such circumstances and yet are so futile to express +one's real sentiments, you arise and undertake to pacify the infuriated +creature with household remedies. You try to lure him away with a wad +of medicated cotton stuck on the end of a parlor match. But arnica is +evidently an acquired taste with him. He doesn't seem to care for it any +more than you do. You begin to dress, using one hand to put your clothes +on with and the other to hold the top of your head on. At this important +juncture, the dog tears down the last remaining partitions and nails the +woodchuck. The woodchuck is game--say what you will about the habits and +customs of the woodchuck you have to hand it to him there--he's game as +a lion. He fights back desperately. Intense excitement reigns throughout +the vicinity. While the struggle wages you get your clothes on and wait +for daylight to come, which it does in from eight to ten weeks. Norway +is not the only place where the nights are six months long. + +There is nobody waiting at the dentist's when you get there, it being +early. You are willing to wait. At a barber shop it may be different but +at a dentist's you are always willing to wait, like a gentleman. But the +sinewy young man who is sitting in the front parlor reading the Hammer +Thrower's Gazette, welcomes you with a false air of gaiety entirely out +of keeping with the circumstances and invites you to step right in. He +tells you that you are next. This is wrong--if you were next you would +turn and flee like a deer. Not being next, you enter. Right from the +start you seem to take a dislike to this young man. You catch him +spitting in his hands and hitching his sleeves up as you are hanging up +your hat. Besides he is too robust for a dentist. With those shoulders +he ought to be a boiler maker or a safe mover or something of that sort. +You resolve inwardly that next time you go to a dentist you are going to +one of a more lady-like bearing and gentler demeanor. It seems a +brutal thing that a big strong man should waste his years in a dental +establishment when the world is clamoring for strong men to do the heavy +lifting jobs. But before you can say anything, this muscular athlete has +laid violent hands on your palpitating form and wadded it abruptly into +the hideous embraces of a red plush chair, which looks something like +the one they use up at Sing Sing, only it's done more quickly up there +and with less suffering on the part of the condemned. On one side of +you you behold quite a display of open plumbing and on the other side +a tasty exhibit of small steel tools of assorted sizes. No matter which +way your gaze may stray you'll be seeing something attractive. + +You also take notice of an electric motor about large enough, you would +say, to run a trolley car, which is purring nearby in a sinister and +forbidding way. They are constantly making these little improvements +in the dental profession. I have heard that fifty years ago a dentist +traveled about over the country from place to place, sometimes pulling a +tooth and sometimes breaking a colt. He practiced his art with an outfit +consisting of two pairs of iron forceps--one pair being saber-toothed +while the other pair was merely saw-fretted--and he gave a man the same +kind of treatment he gave a horse, only he tied the horse's legs first. +But now electricity is in general use and no dentist's establishment is +complete without a dynamo attachment which makes a crooning sound when +in operation and provides instrumental accompaniment to the song of the +official canary. + +I know why a barber in a country town is always learning to play on the +guitar and I know why a man with an emotional Adam's apple always wears +an open front collar. I know these things, but am debarred from telling +them by reason of a solemn oath. But I have not yet been able to +discover why every dentist keeps a canary in his office. Nor do I know +why it is, just as you settle your neck back on a head rest that's every +bit as comfortable as an anvil, and just as a dentist climbs into you +as far as the arm pits and begins probing at the bottom of a tooth which +has roots extending back behind your ears, like an old-fashioned pair of +spectacles, that the canary bird should wipe his nose on a cuttle bone +and dash into a melodious outburst of two hundred thousand twitters, +all of them being twitters of the same size, shape, and color. For that +matter, I don't even know what kind of an animal a cuttle is, although I +should say from the shape of his bone as used by the canary instead of +a pocket handkerchief, that he is circular and flat and stands on +edge only with the utmost difficulty. If you will pardon my temporary +digressions into the realm of natural history, we will now return to the +main subject, which was your tooth. + +The moment the muscular young man starts up his motor and gives the +canary its music cue and begins pawing over his tool collection to pick +out a good sharp one, you recover. All of a sudden you feel fine, and +so does the tooth. Neither one of you ever felt better. The fox terrier +must have killed the woodchuck and then committed suicide. You are +about to mention this double tragedy and beg the young man's pardon for +causing him any trouble and excuse yourself and go away, but just then +he quits feeling of his biceps and suddenly seizes you by your features +and undoes them. If you are where you can catch a glimpse of yourself in +a mirror you will immediately note how much the human face divine can be +made to look like an old-fashioned red brick Colonial fire place. + +There are likely to be several things you would like to talk about. You +are full of thoughts seeking utterance. For one thing you want to tell +him you don't think the brand of soap he uses on his hands is going to +agree with you at all. You probably don't care personally for the way +your barber's thumb tastes either, but a barber's thumb is Peaches +Melba alongside of a dentist's. Before you can say anything though he +discovers a cavity or orifice of some sort in the base of your tooth. +It seems to give him pleasure. Filled with intense gratification by this +discovery and fired moreover by the impetuous ardor of the chase, he +grabs up a crochet needle with a red hot stinger on the end of it and +jabs it down your tooth to a point about opposite where your suspenders +fork in the back. + +You have words with him then, or at least you start to have words with +him, but he puts his knee in your chest and tells you that it really +doesn't hurt at all, but is only your imagination, and utters other +soothing remarks of that general nature. He then exchanges the crochet +needle for a kind of an instrument with a burr on the end of it. This +instrument first came into use at the time of the Spanish Inquisition +but has since been greatly improved on and brought right up to date. He +takes this handy little utensil and proceeds to stir up your imagination +some more. You again try to say something, speaking in a muffled tone, +but he is not listening. He is calling to a brother assassin in +the adjoining room to come and see a magnificent example of a prime +old-vatted triple X exposed nerve. So the Second Grave Digger rests his +tools against the palate of his victim and comes in. + +As nearly as you can gather from hearsay evidence, you not being an eye +witness yourself, one of them harpoons the nerve just back of the gills +with a nutpick--remember please it is your nerve that they are taking +all these liberties with--and pulls it out of its retreat and the other +man takes a tack hammer and tries to beat its brains out. Any time he +misses the nerve he hits you, so his average is still a thousand, and +it is fine practice for him. A pleasant time is had by everybody present +except you and the nerve. The nerve wraps its hind legs around your +breastbone and hangs on desperately. You perspire freely and make noises +like a drunken Zulu trying to sing a Swedish folk song while holding a +spoonful of hot mush in his mouth. + +In time becoming wearied even of these congenial diversions and tiring +of the shop talk that has been going on, the second dentist returns +to his original prey and the party who has you in charge tries a new +experiment. He arms himself with a kind of an automatic hammering +machine, somewhat similar to the steam riveter used in constructing +steel office buildings, except that this one is more compact and can +deliver about eighty-five more blows to the second. Thus equipped, he +descends far below your high water mark and engages in aquatic sports +and pastimes for a considerable period of time. It seems to you that you +never saw a man who could go down and stay down as long as this young +man can. You begin to feel that you misjudged his real vocation in life +when you decided that he ought to be a boiler maker. You know that he +was intended for pearl fishing. He's a natural born deep sea diver. He +doesn't even have to come up to breathe, but stays below, knee deep in +your tide wash, merrily knocking chunks off your lowermost coral reefs +with his little steam riveter and having a perfectly lovely time. + +You are overflowing copiously and you wish he would take the time to +stop and bail you out. You abhor the idea of being drowned as an inside +job. But no, he keeps right on and along about here it is customary for +you to swoon away. + +On recovering, you observe that he has changed his mind again. He is now +going in for amateur theatricals and is using you for a theatre. First +thoughtfully draping a little rubber drop curtain across your proscenium +arch to keep you from seeing what is going on behind your own scenes, he +is setting the stage for the thrilling sawmill scene in Blue Jeans. You +can distinctly feel the circular saw at work and you can taste a hod of +mortar and a bucket of hot tar and one thing and another that have been +left in the wings. You also judge that the insulation is burning off of +an electric fixture somewhere up stage. + +All this time the tooth is still offering resistance, and eventually the +dentist comes out in front once more and makes a little curtain speech +to you. He has just ascertained that what the tooth really needed was +not filling but pulling. He thought at first that it should be filled +and that is what he has been doing--filling it--but now he knows that +pulling is the indicated procedure. He does not understand how a tooth +that seemed so open could have deceived him. Nevertheless he will now +pull the tooth. + +He pulls her. She does her level best but he pulls her. He harvests +small sections of the gum from time to time and occasionally he stops +long enough to loosen up the roots as far down as your floating ribs. +But he pulls her. He spares no pains to pull that tooth. Or if he spares +any you are not able subsequently to remember what they were. You utter +various loud sounds in a strange and incomprehensible language and he +lays back and braces his knees against your lower jaw, and the tooth +utters the death rattle and begins picking the cover-lid. And then he +gives one final heave and breaks the roots away from the lower part of +your spinal column to which they were adhering, and emerges into the +open panting but triumphant, and holds his trophy up for you to look +at. If you didn't know it was your tooth you would take it for an +old-fashioned china cuspidor that had been neglected by the janitor. + +It was a tooth that you had been prizing for years, but now you wouldn't +have it as a gracious gift. You are through with that tooth forever. You +never want to see it again. + +As for the dentist, he collects the fixed charge for stumpage and +corkage and one thing and another and you come away with a feeling in +the side of your jaw like a vacant lot. Your tongue keeps going over +there to see if it can recognize the old place by the hole where the +foundations used to be. You never realized before what a basement there +was to a tooth. + +As you come out you pass a fresh victim going in and you see the dentist +welcome him and then turn to crank up his motor and you hear the canary +tuning up with a new line of v-shaped twitters. And you are glad that he +is the one who is going in and that you are the one who is coming out. + +Science tells us that the teeth are the hardest things in the human +composition, which is all very well as far as it goes, but what science +should do is to go on and finish the sentence. It means the hardest to +keep. + + + + +HAIR + + +As I remarked in the preceding chapter of this work, one of the +pleasantest features about being born is that we are born without teeth +and other responsibilities. Teeth, like debts and installment payments, +come along later on. It is the same way with hair. + +Born, we are, hairless or comparatively so. We are in a highly +incomplete state at that period of our lives. It takes a fond and doting +parent to detect evidences of an actual human aspect in us. Only the +ears and the mouth appear to be up to the plans and specifications. +There is a mouth which when opened, as it generally is, makes the +rest of the face look like a tire, and there is a pair of ears of +such generous size that only a third one is needed, round at the back +somewhere, to give us the appearance of a loving cup. And we are smocked +and hem-stitched with a million wrinkles apiece, more or less, which +partly accounts for the fact that every newborn infant looks to be about +two hundred years old. And uniformly we have the nice red complexion of +a restaurant lobster. You know that live-broiled look? + +As for our other features, they are more or less rudimentary. Of a +nose there is only what a chemist would call a trace. It seems hard to +imagine that a dinky little nubbin like that, a dimple turned inside +out, as it were, will ever develop into a regular nose, with a capacity +for freckling in the summer and catching cold in the winter--a nose that +you can sneeze through and blow with. There are no eyebrows to speak of +either, and the skull runs up to a sharp point like a pineapple cheese. +Just back of the peak is a kind of soft, dented-in place like a Parker +House roll, and if you touch it we die. In some cases this spot remains +soft throughout life, and these persons grow up and go through railroad +trains in presidential years taking straw votes. + +And, as I said before, there isn't any hair; only on the slopes of the +cheese are some very pale, faint, downy lines, which look as though they +had been sketched on lightly with a very soft drawing pencil and would +wipe off readily. That, however is the inception and beginning of what +afterward becomes, among our race, hair. To look at it you could hardly +believe it, but it is. Barring accidents or backwardness, it continues +to grow from that time on through our childhood, but its behavior is +always a profound disappointment. If the child is a girl and, therefore, +entitled to curly hair, her hair is sure to come in stiff and straight. +If it's a boy, to whom curls will be a curse and a cross of affliction, +he is morally certain to be as curly as a frizzly chicken, and until +he gets old enough to rebel he will wear long ringlets and boys of his +acquaintance will insert cockle-burs and chewing gum into his tresses, +and he will be known popularly as Sissie and otherwise his life with be +made joyous and carefree for him. If a reddish tone of hair is desired +it is certain to grow out yellow or brown or black; and if brown is your +favorite shade you are absolutely sure to be nice and red-headed, with +eyebrows and lashes to match, and so many cowlicks that when you remove +your hat people will think you're wearing two or three halos at once. +Hair rarely or never acts up to its advance notices. + +One of the earliest and most painful recollections of my youth is +associated with hair. I still tingle warmly when I think of it. I should +say I was about eight years old at the time. My mother sent me down the +street to the barber's to have my hair trimmed--shingled was the term +then used. Some of my private collection of cowlicks had begun to +stand up in a way that invited adverse criticism and reminded people +of sunbursts. They made me look as though my hair were trying to pull +itself out by the roots and escape. So I was sent to the barber's. +My little cousin, two years younger, went along in my charge. It was +thought that the performance might entertain her. I was mounted in +a chair and had a cloth tucked in round my neck, like a self-made +millionaire about to eat consomme. The officiating barber got out a +shiny steel instrument with jaws--the first pair of clippers I had ever +seen--and he ran this up the back of my neck, producing a most agreeable +feeling. He reached the top of my head and would have paused but I told +him to go right ahead and clip me close all over, which he did. When he +had finished the job I was so delighted with the sensation and with the +attendant result as viewed in a mirror that I suggested he might give my +little cousin a similar treat. From a mere child I was ever so--willing +always to share my simple pleasures with those about me, especially +where it entailed no inconvenience on my part. I told him my father +would pay the bill for both of us when he came by that night. + +The barber fell in with the suggestion. It has ever been my experience +that a barber will fall in readily with any suggestion whereby the +barber is going to get something out of it for himself. In this instance +he was going to get another quarter, and a quarter went farther in +those days than it does now. I dismounted from the chair and my innocent +little cousin was installed in my place. As I now recall she made no +protest. The barber ran his clippers conscientiously and painstakingly +over her tender young scalp, while I stood admiringly by and watched the +long yellow curls fall writhing upon the floor at my feet. It seemed +to me that a great and manifest improvement was produced in her general +appearance. Instead of being hampered by those silly curls dangling down +all round her face, she now had a round, slick, smooth dome decorated +with a stiff yellowish stubble, and the skin showed through nice and +pink and the ears were well displayed, whereas before they had been +practically hidden. She was also relieved of those foolish bangs hanging +down in her eyes. This, I should have stated, occurred in the period +when womankind of whatsoever age and also some men wore bangs, a disease +from which all have since recovered with the exception of racehorses and +princesses of the various reigning houses of Europe. And now my little +cousin was shut of those annoying bangs, and her forehead ran up so high +that you had to go round behind her to see where it left off. + +Filled with a joyous sense of achievement and conscious of a kindly +deed worthily performed, I took my little cousin by her hand and led her +home. + +My mother was waiting for us at the front door. She seemed surprised +when I took off my hat and gave her a look, but that wasn't a +circumstance to her surprise when I proudly took off my little cousin's +cap. She uttered a kind of a strangled cry and my cousin's mother came +running, and the way she carried on was scandalous and ill-timed. I will +draw a veil over the proceedings of the next few minutes. At the time it +would have been a source of great personal gratification and comfort to +me if I could have drawn a number of veils, good, thick, woolen ones, +over the proceedings. My mother wept, my aunt wept, my little cousin +wept, and I am not ashamed to state that I wept quite copiously myself. +But I had more provocation to weep than any of them. + +When this part of the affair was over my mother sent me back to the +barber with a message. I was to say that a heart-broken woman demanded +to have the curls of which her darling child had been denuded. I believe +that there was some idea entertained of sewing them into a cap and +requiring my cousin to wear the cap until new ones had sprouted. Even to +me, a mere child of eight, this seemed a foolish and totally unnecessary +proceeding, but the situation had already become so strained that I +thought it the part of prudence to go at once without offering any +arguments of my own. I felt, anyhow, that I would rather be away from +the house for a while, until calmer second judgment had succeeded +excitement and tumult. + +The man who owned the barber shop seemed surprised when I delivered the +message, but he told me to come back in a few minutes and he'd do what +he could. I drifted on down to the confectionery store at the corner to +forget my sorrows for the moment in a worshipful admiration of a display +of prize boxes and cracknels in glass-front cases--you should be able to +fix the period by the fact that cracknels and prize boxes were still in +vogue among the young. When I returned the head barber handed me quite a +large box--a shoebox--with a string tied round it. It did not seem +possible to me that my cousin could have had a whole shoebox full of +curls, but things had been going pretty badly that afternoon and my +motives had been misjudged and everything, so without any talk I took +the box and hurried home with it. My mother cut the string and my aunt +lifted the lid. + +I should prefer again to draw a veil over the scenes that now ensued, +but the necessity of finishing this narrative requires me to state that +it being a Saturday and the head barber being a busy man, he had not +taken time to sort out my cousin's curls from among the flotsam and +jetsam of his establishment, but had just swept up enough off the +floor to make a good assorted boxful. I think the oldest inhabitant had +probably dropped in that day to have himself trimmed up a little round +the edges. I seem to remember a quantity of sandy whiskers shot with +gray. There was enough hair in that box and enough different kinds and +colors of hair and stuff to satisfy almost any taste, you would have +thought, but my mother and aunt were anything but satisfied. On the +contrary, far from it. And yet my cousin's hair was all there, if they +had only been willing to spend a few days sorting it out and separating +it from the other contents. + +In this particular instance I was the exception to the rule, that hair +generally gives a boy no great trouble from the time he merges out of +babyhood until he puts on long pants and begins to discern something +strangely and subtly attractive about the sex described by Mr. Kipling +as being the more deadly of the species. During this interim it is a +matter of no moment to a boy whether he goes shaggy or cropped, shorn or +unshorn. At intervals a frugal parent trims him to see if both his ears +are still there, or else a barber does it with more thoroughness, often +recovering small articles of household use that have been mysteriously +missing for months; but in the main he goes along carefree and +unbarbered, not greatly concerned with putting anything in his head or +taking anything off of it. + +In due season, though, he reaches the age where adolescent whiskers and +young romance begin to sprout out on him simultaneously--and from that +moment on for the rest of his life his hair is giving him bother, and +plenty of it. + +Your hair gives you bother as long as you have it and more bother when +it starts to go. You are always doing something for it and it is always +showing deep-dyed ingratitude in return; or else the dye isn't deep +enough, which is even worse. Hair is responsible for such byproducts as +dandruff, barbers, wigs, several comic weeklies, mental anguish, added +expense, Chinese revolutions, and the standard joke about your wife's +using your best razor to open a can of tomatoes with. Hair has been of +aid to Buffalo Bill, Little Lord Fauntleroy, Samson, The Lady Godiva, +Jo-Jo, the Dog-Faced Boy, poets, pianists, some artists and most +mattress makers, but a drawback and a sorrow to Absalom, polar bears in +captivity and the male sex in general. + +This assertion goes not only for hair on the head but for hair on the +face. Let us consider for a moment the matter of shaving. If you shave +yourself you excite a barber's contempt, and there is nobody whose +contempt the average man dreads more than a barber's, unless it is +a waiter's. And on the other hand, if you let a barber shave you he +excites not your contempt particularly, but your rage and frequently +your undying hatred. Once in a burst of confidence a barber told me one +of the trade secrets of his profession--he said that among barbers every +face fell into one of three classes, it being either a square, a round +or a squirrel. I know not, reader, whether yours be a square or a +round or a squirrel, but this much I will chance on a venture, sight +unseen--that you have your periods of intense unhappiness when you are +being shaved. + +I do not refer so much to the actual process of being shaved. Indeed +there is something restful and soothing to the average male adult in +the feel of a sharp razor being guided over a bristly jowl by a deft +and skillful hand, to the accompaniment of a gentle grating sound and +followed by a sensation of transient silken smoothness. Nor do I refer +to the barber's habit of conversation. After all, a barber is human--he +has to talk to somebody, and it might as well be you. If he didn't have +you to talk to he'd have to talk to another barber, and that would be no +treat to him. + +What I do refer to is that which precedes a shave and more especially +that which follows after it. You rush in for a shave. In ten minutes you +have an engagement to be married or something else important, and you +want a shave and you want it quick. Does the barber take cognizance of +the emergency? He does not. Such would be contrary to the ethics of his +calling. Knowing from your own lips that you want a shave and that's +positively all, he nevertheless is instantly filled with a burning +desire to equip you with a large number of other things. In this regard +the barbering profession has much in common with the haberdashering +or gents'-furnishing profession as practiced in our larger cities. You +invade a haberdashering establishment for the purpose, let us say, of +investing in a plain and simple pair of half hose, price twenty-five +cents. That emphatically is all that you do desire. You so state in +plain, simple language, using the shorter and uglier word socks. + +Does the youth in the pale mauve shirt with the marquise ring on the +little finger of the left hand rest content with this? Need I answer +this question? In succession he tries to sell you a fancy waistcoat with +large pearl buttons, a broken lot of silk pajamas, a bath-robe, some +shrimp-pink underwear--he wears this kind himself he tells you in strict +confidence--a pair of plush suspenders and a knitted necktie that you +wouldn't be caught wearing at twelve o'clock at night at the bottom of +a coal mine during a total eclipse of the moon. If you resist his +blandishments and so far forget that you are a gentleman as to use harsh +language, and if you insist on a pair of socks and nothing else, he'll +let you have them, but he will never feel the same toward you as he did. + +'Tis much the same with a barber. You need a shave in a hurry and he is +willing that you should have a shave, he being there for that purpose, +but first and last he can think of upward of thirty or forty other +things that you ought to have, including a shampoo, a hair cut, a hair +singe, a hair tonic, a hair oil, a manicure, a facial massage, a scalp +massage, a Turkish bath, his opinion on the merits of the newest White +Hope, a shoeshine, some kind of a skin food, and a series of comparisons +of the weather we are having this time this month with the weather we +were having this time last month. Not all of us are gifted with the +power of repartee by which my friend Frisbee turned the edge of the +barber's desires. + +"Your hair," said the barber, fondling a truant lock, "is long." + +"I know it is," said Frisbee. "I like it long. It's so Roycrofty." + +"It is very long," said the barber with a wistful expression. + +"I like it very long," said Frisbee. "I like to have people come up to +me on the street and call me Mr. Sutherland and ask me how I left +my sisters? I like to be mistaken for a Russian pianist. I like for +strangers to stop me and ask me how's everything up at East Aurora. In +short, I like it long." + +"Yes, sir," said the barber, "quite so, sir; but it's very long, +particularly here in the back--it covers your coat collar." + +"Indeed?" said Frisbee. "You say it covers my coat collar?" + +"Yes, sir," said the barber. "You can't see the coat collar at all." + +"Have you got a good sharp pair of shears there?" said Frisbee. + +"Oh, yes, sir," said the barber. + +"All right then," said Frisbee; "cut the collar off." + +But not all of us, as I said before, have this ready gift of parry and +thrust that distinguishes my friend Frisbee. Mostly we weakly surrender. +Or if we refuse to surrender, demanding just a shave by itself and +nothing else, what then follows? In my own case, speaking personally, I +know exactly what follows. I do not like to have any powder dabbed on my +face when I am through shaving. I believe in letting the bloom of youth +show through your skin, providing you have any bloom of youth to do +so. I always take pains to state my views in this regard at least twice +during the operation of being shaved--once at the start when the barber +has me all lathered up, with soapsuds dripping from the flanges of my +shell-like ears and running down my neck, and once again toward the +close of the operation, when he has laid aside his razor and is sousing +my defenseless features in a liquid that smells and tastes a good deal +like those scented pink blotters they used to give away at drug-stores +to advertise somebody's cologne. + +Does the barber respect my wishes in this regard? Certainly not. He +insists on powdering me, either before my eyes or surreptitiously and in +a clandestine manner. If he didn't powder me up he would lose his sense +of self-respect, and probably the union would take his card away +from him. I think there is something in the constitution and by-laws +requiring that I be powdered up. I have fought the good fight for +years, but I'm always powdered. Sometimes the crafty foe dissembles. He +pretends that he is not going to powder me up. But all of a sudden when +my back is turned, as it were, he grabs up his powder swab and makes a +quick swoop upon me and the hellish deed is done. I should be pleased to +hear from other victims of this practice suggesting any practical relief +short of homicide. I do not wish to kill a barber--there are several +other orders in ahead, referring to the persons I intend to kill off +first--but I may be driven to it. + +After he has gashed me casually hither and yen, and sluiced down my +helpless countenance with the carefree abandon of a livery-stable hand +washing off a buggy, and after, as above stated, he has covered up the +traces of his crime with powder, the barber next takes a towel and folds +it over his right hand, as prescribed in the rules and regulations, and +then he dabs me with that towel on various parts of my face nine hundred +and seventy-four--974--separate and distinct times. I know the exact +number of dabs because I have taken the trouble to keep count. I may +be in as great a hurry as you can imagine; I may be but a poor nervous +wreck already, as I am; I may be quivering to be up and away from there, +but he dabs me with his towel--he dabs me until reason totters on her +throne--sometimes just a tiny tot, as the saying goes, or it may be that +the whole cerebral structure is involved--and then when he is apparently +all through the Demoniac Dabber comes back and dabs me one more +fiendish, deliberate and premeditated dab, making nine hundred and +seventy-five dabs in all. He has to do it; it's in the ritual that I and +you and everybody must have that last dab. I wonder how many gibbering +idiots there are in the asylum today whose reason was overthrown by +being dabbed that last farewell dab. I know from my own experience that +I can feel the little dark-green gibbers sloshing round inside of me +every time it happens, and some day my mind will give away altogether +and there'll be a hurry call sent in for the wagon with the lock on the +back door. Yet it is of no avail to cavil or protest; we cannot hope to +escape; we can only sit there in mute and helpless misery and be filled +with a great envy for Mexican hairless dogs. + +For quite a spell now we have been speaking of hair on the face; at this +point we revert to hair in its relation to the head. There are some few +among us, mainly professional Southerners and leading men, who retain +the bulk of the hair on their heads through life; but with most of us +the circumstances are different. Your hair goes from you. You don't +seem to notice it at first; then all of a sudden you wake up to the +realization that your head is working its way up through the hair. You +start in then desperately doing things for your hair in the hope of +inducing it to stick round the old place a while longer, but it has +heard the call of the wild and it is on its way. There's no detaining +it. You soak your skull in lotions until your brain softens and your +hat-band gets moldy from the damp, but your hair keeps right on going. + +After a while it is practically gone. If only about two-thirds of it is +gone your head looks like a great auk's egg in a snug nest; but if +most of it goes there is something about you that suggests the Glacial +Period, with an icy barren peak rising high above the vegetation line, +where a thin line of heroic strands still cling to the slopes. You are +bald then, a subject fit for the japes of the wicked and universally +coupled in the betting with onions, with hard-boiled eggs and with the +front row of orchestra chairs at a musical show. + +At this time of writing baldness is creeping insidiously up each side of +my head. It is executing flank movements from the temples northward, and +some day the two columns will meet and after that I'll be considerably +more of a highbrow than I am now. At present I am craftily combing the +remaining thatch in the middle and smoothing it out nice and flat, so +as to keep those bare spots covered--thinly perhaps, but nevertheless +covered. It is my earnest desire to continue to keep them covered. I +am not a professional beauty; I am not even what you would call a good +amateur beauty; and I want to make what little hair I have go as far as +it conveniently can. But does the barber to whom I repair at frequent +intervals coincide with my desires in this respect? Again I reply he +does not. Every time I go in I speak to him about it. I say to him: +"Woodman, spare that hair, touch not a single strand; in youth it +sheltered me and I'll protect it now." Or in substance that. + +He says yes, he will, but he doesn't mean it. He waits until he can +catch me with my guard down. Then he seizes a comb, and using the edge +of his left hand as a bevel and operating his right with a sort of +free-arm Spencerian movement, he roaches my hair up in a scallop effect +on either side, and upon reaching the crest he fights with it and +wrestles with it until he makes it stand erect in a feather-edged +design. I can tell by his expression that he is pleased with this +arrangement. He loves to send his victims forth into the world tufted +like the fretful cockatoo. He likes to see surging waves of hair dash +high on a stern and rockbound head. His sense of the artistic demands +such a result. + +What cares he how I feel about it so long as the higher cravings of +his own nature are satisfied? But I resent it--I resent it bitterly. +I object to having my head look like a real-estate development with an +opening for a new street going up each side and an ornamental design in +fancy landscape gardening across the top. If I permit this I won't be +able to keep on saying that I was twenty-seven on my last birthday, with +some hope of getting away with it. So I insist that he put my front +hair right back where he found it. He does so, under protest and +begrudgingly, it is true, but he does it. And then, watching his +opportunity, he runs in on me and overpowers me and roaches it up some +more. + +If I weaken and submit he is happy as the day is long. If he gets it +roached up on both sides that will make me look like a horizontal-bar +performer, which is his idea of manly beauty. Or if he gets it roached +up on one side only there is still some consolation in it for him I'm +liable to be mistaken anywhere for a trained-animal performer. But once +in a very great while he doesn't get it roached up on either side, but +has to stand there and suffer as he sees me walk forth into the world +with my hair combed to suit me and not him. I can tell by his look that +he is grieved and downcast, and that he will probably go home and be +cross to the children. He has but one solace--he hopes to have better +luck with me next time. And probably he will. + +The last age of hair is a wig. But wigs are not so very satisfactory +either. I've seen all the known varieties of wigs, and I never saw one +yet that looked as though it were even on speaking terms with the head +that was under it. A wig always looks as though it were a total stranger +to the head and had just lit there a minute to rest, preparatory to +flying along to the next head. Nevertheless, I think on the whole I'll +be happier when my time comes to wear one, because then no barber can +roach me up. + + + + +HANDS AND FEET + + +Nearly every boy has a period in his life when he is filled with +an envious admiration for the East India god with the extra set of +arms--Vishnu, I think this party's name is. To a small boy it seems a +grand thing to have a really adequate assortment of hands. He considers +the advantage of such an arrangement in school--two hands in plain view +above the desk holding McGuffy's Fourth Reader at the proper angle for +study and the other two out of sight, down underneath the desk engaged +in manufacturing paper wads or playing crack-a-loo or some other really +worth while employment. + +Or for robbing birds' nests. There would be two hands for use in +skinning up the tree, and one hand for scaring off the mother bird and +one hand for stealing the eggs. And for hanging on behind wagons the +combination positively could not be beaten. Then there would be the +gaudy conspicuousness of going around with four arms weaving in and +out in a kind of spidery effect while less favored boys were forced to +content themselves with just an ordinary and insufficient pair. Really, +there was only one drawback to the contemplation of this scheme--there'd +be twice as many hands to wash when company was coming to dinner. + +Generally speaking a boy's hands give him no serious concern during the +first few years of his life except at such times as his mother grows +officious and fussy and insists that they ought to be washed up as far +as the regular place for washing a boy's hands, to wit, about midway +between the knuckles and the wrist. The fact that one finger is usually +in a state of mashedness is no drawback, but a benefit. The presence +of a soiled rag around a finger gives to a boy's hand a touch of +distinctiveness--singles it out from ordinary unmaimed hands. Its +presence has been known to excuse its happy possessor from such chores +as bringing in wood for the kitchen stove or pulling dock weeds out of +the grass in a front yard where it would be much easier and quicker to +pull the grass out of the dock weeds. It may even be made a source of +profit by removing the wrappings and charging two china marbles a look. +I seem to recall that in the case of a specially attractive injury, such +as a thumb nail knocked off or a deep cut which has refused to heal by +first intention or an imbedded splinter in process of being drawn out +by a scrap of fat meat, that as much as four china marbles could be +charged. + +On the Fourth of July you occasionally burned your hands and in cold +winters they chapped extensively across the knuckles but these were but +the marks and scars of honorable endeavor and a hardy endurance. In +our set the boy whose knuckles had the deepest cracks in them was +a prominent and admired figure, crowned, as you might say, with an +imaginary chaplet by reason of his chaps. + +With girls, of course, it was different. + +Girls were superfluous and unnecessary creatures with a false and +inflated idea of the value of soap and water. Their hands weren't +good for much anyway. Later on we discovered that a girl's hands were +excellent for holding purposes in a hammock or while coming back from +a straw ride, but I am speaking now of the earlier stages of our +development, before the presence of the ostensibly weaker sex began to +awaken responsive throbs in our several bosoms--in short when girls were +merely nuisances and things to be ignored whenever possible. In that +early stage of his existence hands have no altruistic or sentimental or +ornamental value for a boy--they are for useful purposes altogether and +are regarded as such. + +It is only when he has reached the age of tail coats and spike-fence +collars that he discovers two hands are frequently too many and often +not enough. They are too many at your first church wedding when wearing +your first pair of white kids and they are not enough at a five o'clock +tea. There is a type of male who can go to a five o'clock tea and not +fall over a lot of Louie Kahn's furniture or get himself hopelessly +tangled up in a hanging drapery and who can seem perfectly at ease while +holding in his hands a walking stick, a pair of dove colored gloves, +a two-quart hat, a cup of tea with a slice of lemon peel in it, a tea +spoon, a lump of sugar, a seed cookie, an olive, and the hand of a lady +with whom he is discussing the true meaning of the message of the late +Ibsen but these gifted mortals are not common. They are rare and exotic. +There are also some few who can do ushing at a church wedding with a +pair of white kids on and not appear overly self-conscious. These are +also the exceptions. The great majority of us suffer visibly under +such circumstances. You have the feeling that each hand weighs fully +twenty-four pounds and that it is hanging out of the sleeve for a +distance of about one and three-quarters yards and you don't know what +to do with your hands and on the whole would feel much more comfortable +and decorative if they were both sawed off at the wrists and hidden some +place where you couldn't find 'em. You have that feeling and you look +it. You look as though you were working in a plaster of paris factory +and were carrying home a couple of large sacks of samples. It would be +grand to be a Vishnu at a five o'clock tea, but awful to be one at a +church wedding. + +About the time you find yourself embarking on a career of teas and +weddings you also begin to find yourself worrying about the appearance +of your hands. Up until now the hands have given you no great concern +one way or the other, but some day you wake to the realization that you +need to be manicured. Once you catch that disease there is no hope for +you. There are ways of curing you of almost any habit except manicuring. +You get so that you aren't satisfied unless your nails run down about a +quarter of an inch further than nails were originally intended to run, +and unless they glitter freely you feel strangely distraught in company. +Inasmuch as no male creature's finger nails will glitter with the +desired degree of brilliancy for more than twenty-four short and +fleeting hours after a treatment you find yourself constantly in the +act of either just getting a manicure or just getting over one. It is +an expensive habit, too; it takes time and it takes money. There's the +fixed charge for manicuring in the first place and then there's the tip. +Once there was a manicure lady who wouldn't take a tip, but she is now +no more. Her indignant sisters stabbed her to death with hat pins and +nail-files. Manicuring as a public profession is a comparatively recent +development of our civilization. The fathers of the republic and the +founders of the constitution, which was founded first and has been +foundering ever since if you can believe what a lot of people in +Congress say--they knew nothing of manicuring. Speaking by and large, +they only got their thumbs wet when doing one of three things--taking a +bath, going in swimming or turning a page in a book. Washington probably +was never manicured nor Jefferson nor Franklin; it's a cinch that Daniel +Boone and Israel Putnam and George Rogers Clark weren't and yet it is +generally conceded that they got along fairly well without it. But as +the campaign orators are forever pointing out from the hustlers and the +forum, this is an age calling for change and advancement. And manicuring +is one of the advancements that likewise calls for the change--for fifty +cents in change anyhow and more if you are inclined to be generous with +the tip. + +Shall you ever forget your first manicure? The shan'ts are unanimously +in the majority. It seems an easy thing to walk into a manicure parlor +or a barber shop and shove your hands across a little table to a strange +young woman and tell her to go ahead and shine 'em up a bit--the way you +hear old veteran manicurees saying it. It seems easy, I say, and looks +easy; but it isn't as easy as it seems. Until you get hardened, it +requires courage of a very high order. You, the abashed novice, see +other men sitting in the front window of the manicure shop just as +debonair and cozy as though they'd been born and raised there, swapping +the ready repartee of the day with dashing creatures of a frequently +blonde aspect, and you imagine they have always done so. You little know +that these persons who are now appearing so much at home and who can +snap out those bright, witty things like "I gotcher Steve," and "Well, +see who's here?" without a moment's hesitation and without having to +stop and think for the right word or the right phrase but have it right +there on the tip of the tongue--you little reck that they too passed +through the same initiation which you now contemplate. Yet such is the +case. + +You have dress rehearsals--private ones--in your room. In the seclusion +of your bed chamber you picture yourself opening the door of the marble +manicure hall and stepping in with a brisk yet graceful tread--like +James K. Hackett making an entrance in the first act--and glancing about +you casually--like John Drew counting up the house--and saying "Hello +girlies, how're all the little Heart's Delights this afternoon?" just +like that, and picking out the most sumptuous and attractive of the +flattered young ladies in waiting; and sinking easily into the chair +opposite her--see photos of William Faversham and throwing the coat +lapels back, at the same time resting the left hand clenched upon the +upper thigh with the elbow well out--Donald Brian asking a lady to +waltz--and offering the right hand to the favored female and telling her +to go as far as she likes with it. It sounds simple when you figuring it +out alone, but it rarely works out that way in practice. It is my belief +that every woman longs for the novelty of a Turkish bath and every man +for the novelty of a manicure long before either dares to tackle it. +I may be wrong but this is my belief. And in the case of the man he +usually makes a number of false starts. + +You go to the portals and hesitate and then, stumbling across the +threshold, you either dive on through to the barber shop--if there is a +barber shop in connection--or else you mumble something about being in +a hurry and coming back again, and retreat with all the grace and ease +that would be shown by a hard shell crab that was trying to back into +the mouth of a milk-bottle. You are likely to do this several times; +but finally some day you stick. You slump down into one of those little +chairs and offer your hands or one of them to a calm and slightly +arrogant looking young lady and you tell her to please shine them up +a little. You endeavor to appear as though you had been doing this +at frequent periods stretching through a great number of years, but +she--bless her little heart!--she knows better than that. The female +of the manicuring species is not to be deceived by any such cheap and +transparent artifices. If you wore a peekaboo waist she couldn't see +through you any easier. Your hands would give you away if your face +didn't. In a sibulent aside, she addresses the young lady at the next +table--the one with the nine bracelets and the hair done up delicatessen +store mode--sausages, rolls and buns--whereupon both of them laugh in +a significant, silvery way, and you feel the back of your neck setting +your collar on fire. You can smell the bone button back there scorching +and you're glad it's not celluloid, celluloid being more inflammable and +subject to combustion when subjected to intense heat. + +When both have laughed their merry fill, the young woman who has you in +charge looks you right in the eye and says: + +"Dearie me; you'll pardon me saying so, but your nails are in a +perfectly turrible state. I don't think I've seen a jumpman's nails in +such a state for ever so long. Pardon me again--but how long has it been +since you had them did?" + +To which you reply in what is meant to be a jaunty and off-hand tone: + +"Oh quite some little while. I've--I've been out of town." + +"That's what I thought," she says with a slight shrug. It isn't so much +what she says--it's the way she says it, the tone and all that, which +makes you feel smaller and smaller until you could crawl into your own +watch pocket and live happily there ever after. There'd be slews of +room and when you wanted the air of an evening you could climb up in a +buttonhole of your vest and be quite cosy and comfortable. But shrink +as you may, there is now no hope of escape, for she has reached out and +grabbed you firmly by the wrist. She has you fast. You have a feeling +that eight or nine thousand people have assembled behind you and are all +gazing fixedly into the small of your back. The only things about you +that haven't shrivelled up are your hands. You can feel them growing +larger and larger and redder and redder and more prominent and +conspicuous every instant. + +The lady begins operations. You are astonished to note how many tools +and implements it takes to manicure a pair of hands properly. The top of +her little table is full of them and she pulls open a drawer and shows +you some more, ranged in rows. There are files and steel biters and +pigeon-toed scissors and scrapers and polishers and things; and wads of +cotton with which to staunch the blood of the wounded, and bottles of +liquid and little medicinal looking jars full of red paste; and a cut +glass crock with soap suds in it and a whole lot of little orange wood +stobbers. + +In the interest of truth I have taken the pains to enquire and I have +ascertained that these stobbers are invariably of orange wood. Say what +you will, the orange tree is a hardy growth. Every February you read in +the papers that the Florida orange crop, for the third consecutive time +since Christmas has been entirely and totally destroyed by frost and yet +there is always an adequate supply on hand of the principal products +of the orange-phosphate for the soda fountains, blossoms for the bride, +political sentiment for the North of Ireland and little sharp stobbers +for the manicure lady. Speaking as an outsider I would say that there +ought to be other varieties of wood that would serve as well and bring +about the desired results as readily--a good thorny variety of poison +ivy ought to fill the bill, I should think. But it seems that orange +wood is absolutely essential. A manicure lady could no more do a +manicure properly without using an orange wood stobber at certain +periods than a cartoonist could draw a picture of a man in jail without +putting a ball and chain on him or a summer resort could get along +without a Lover's Leap within easy walking distance of the hotel. It +simply isn't done, that's all. + +Well, as I was saying, she gets out her tool kit and goes to work +on you. You didn't dream that there were so many things--mainly of +a painful nature--that could be done to a single finger nail and you +flinch as you suddenly remember that you have ten of them in all, +counting thumbs in with fingers. She takes a finger nail in hand and she +files it and she trims it and she softens it with hot water and hardens +it with chemicals and parboils it a little while and then she cuts off +the hang nails--if there aren't any hang nails there already she'll +make a few--and she shears away enough extra cuticle to cover quite a +good-sized little boy. She goes over you with a bristle brush, and warms +up your nerve ends until you tingle clear back to your dorsal fin and +then she takes one of those orange wood stobbers previously referred to, +and goes on an exploring expedition down under the nail, looking for the +quick. She always finds it. There is no record of a failure to find +the quick. Having found it she proceeds to wake it up and teach it some +parlor tricks. I may not have set forth all these various details in the +exact order in which they take place, but I know she does them all. And +somewhere along about the time when she is half way through with the +first hand she makes you put the other hand in the suds. + +Later on when you have had more practice at this thing you learn to wait +for the signal before plunging the second hand into the suds, but being +green on this occasion, you are apt to mistake the moving of the crock +of suds over from the right hand side to the left hand side as a notice +and to poke your untouched hand right in without further orders, hoping +to get it softened up well so as to save her trouble in trimming it down +to a size which will suit her. But this is wrong--this is very wrong, +as she tells you promptly, with a pitying smile for your ignorance. +Manicure girls are as careful about boiling a hand as some particular +people are about bailing their eggs for breakfast of a morning. A two +minute hand is no pleasure to her absolutely if she has diagnosed your +hand as one calling for six minutes, or vice versa. So, should you err +in this regard she will snatch the offending hand out and wipe it off +and give it back to you and tell you to keep it in a dry place until she +calls for it. Manicure girls are very funny that way. + +Thus time passes on and on and by degrees you begin to feel more and +more at home. Your bashfulness is wearing off. The coherent power of +speech has returned to you and you have exchanged views with her on the +relative merits of the better known brands of chewing gum and which kind +holds the flavor longest, and you have swapped ideas on the issue of +whether ladies should or should not smoke cigarettes in public and she +knows how much your stick pin cost you and you know what her favorite +flower is. You are getting along fine, when all of a sudden she dabs +your nails with a red paste and then snatches up a kind of a polishing +tool and ferociously rubs your fingers until they catch on fire. Just +when the conflagration threatens to become general she stops using the +polisher and proceeds to cool down the ruins by gently burnishing your +nails against the soft, pink palm of her hand. You like this better than +the other way. You could ignite yourself by friction almost any time, +if you got hold of the right kind of a chamois skin rubber, but this is +quite different and highly soothing. You are beginning to really enjoy +the sensation when she roguishly pats the back of your hand--pitty +pat--as a signal that the operation is now over. You pay the check and +tip the lady--tip her fifty cents if you wish to be regarded as a lovely +jumpman or only twenty-five cents if you are satisfied with being a +vurry nice fella--and you secure your hat and step forth into the open +with the feeling of one who has taken a trip into a distant domain and +on the whole has rather enjoyed it. + +You stand in the sunlight and waggle your fingers and you are struck +with the desirable glitter that flits from finger tip to finger tip +like a heleograph winking on a mountain top. It is indeed a pleasing +spectacle. You decide that hereafter you will always glitter so. It is +cheaper than wearing diamonds and much more refined, and so you take +good care of your fingers all that day and carefully refrain from +dipping them in the brine while engaged in the well known indoor sport +of spearing for dill pickles at the business men's lunch. + +But the next morning when you wake up the desirable glitter is gone. +You only glimmer dully--your fingers do not sparkle and dazzle and +scintillate as they did. As Francois Villon, the French poet would +undoubtedly have said had manicures been known at the time he was +writing his poems, "Where are the manicures of yesterday?" instead of +making it, "Where are the snows of yesteryear?" there being no answer +ready for either question, except that the manicures of yesterday like +the snows of yesteryear are never there when you start looking for them. +They have just naturally got up and gone away, leaving no forwarding +address. + +You have now been launched upon your career as a manicuree. You never +get over it. You either get married and your wife does your nails for +you, thus saving you large sums of money, but failing to impart the high +degree of polish and the spice of romance noticed in connection with +the same job when done away from home, or you continue to patronize the +regular establishments and become known in time as Polished Percival, +the Pet of the Manicure Parlor. But in either event your hands which +once were hands and nothing more, have become a source of added trouble +and expense to you. + +Speaking of hands naturally brings one to the subject of feet, which was +intended originally to be the theme for the last half of this chapter, +but unfortunately I find I have devoted so much space to your hands that +there is but little room left for your feet and so far as your feet are +concerned, we must content ourselves on this occasion with a few general +statements. + +Feet, I take it, speaking both from experience and observation, are even +more trouble to us than hands are. There are still a good many of us +left who go through life without doing anything much for our hands but +with our feet it is different. They thrust themselves upon us so to +speak, demanding care and attention. This goes for all sizes and all +ages of feet. From the time you are a small boy and suffer from stone +bruises in the summer and chilblains in the winter, on through life +you're beset with corns and callouses and falling of the instep and all +the other ills that feet are heir to. + +The rich limp with the gout, the moderately well to do content +themselves with an active ingrown nail or so, and the poor man goes out +and drops an iron casting on his toe. Nearly every male who lives to +reach the voting age has a period of mental weakness in his youth when +he wears those pointed shoes that turn up at the ends, like sleigh +runners; and spends the rest of his life regretting it. Feet are +certainly ungrateful things. I might say that they are proverbially +ungrateful. You do for them and they do you. You get one corn, hard or +soft, cured up or removed bodily and a whole crowd of its relatives +come to take its place. I imagine that Nature intended we should go +barefooted and is now getting even with us because we didn't. Our poor, +painful feet go with us through all the years and every step in life is +marked by a pang of some sort. And right on up to the end of our days, +our feet are getting more infirm and more troublesome and more crotchety +and harder to bear with all the time. How many are there right now +who have one foot in the grave and the other at the chiropodist's? +Thousands, I reckon. + +Napoleon said an army traveled on its stomach. I don't blame the army, +far from it; I've often wished I could travel that way myself, and +I've no doubt so has every other man who ever crowded a number nine and +three-quarters foot into a number eight patent-leather shoe, and then +went to call on friends residing in a steam-heated apartment. As what +man has not? Once the green-corn dance was an exclusive thing with the +Sioux Indians, but it may now be witnessed when one man steps on another +man's toes in a crowd. + +We are accustomed to make fun of the humble worm of the dust but in +one respect the humble worm certainly has it on us. He goes through +existence without any hands and any feet to bother him. Indeed in this +regard I can think of but one creature in all creation who is worse off +than we poor humans are. That is the lowly ear wig. Think of being an +ear wig, that suffers from fallen arches himself and has a wife that +suffers from cold feet! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Cobb's Anatomy, by Irvin S. Cobb + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1222 *** diff --git a/1222-h/1222-h.htm b/1222-h/1222-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd7e981 --- /dev/null +++ b/1222-h/1222-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1780 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Cobb's Anatomy, by Irvin S. Cobb + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1222 ***</div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + COBB'S ANATOMY + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Irvin S. Cobb + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h4> + To G. H. L.<br /><br /> Who stood godfather to these contents + </h4> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Preface + </h2> + <h5> + This Space To-Let to Any Reputable Party Desiring a Good Preface + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PREF"> Preface </a> + </p> + <br /> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> TUMMIES </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> TEETH </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> HAIR </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> HANDS AND FEET </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + TUMMIES + </h2> + <p> + Dr. Woods Hutchinson says that fat people are happier than other people. + How does Dr. Woods Hutchinson know? Did he ever have to leave the two top + buttons of his vest unfastened on account of his extra chins? Has the + pressure from within against the waistband where the watchfob is located + ever been so great in his case that he had partially to undress himself to + find out what time it was? Does he have to take the tailor's word for it + that his trousers need pressing? + </p> + <p> + He does not. And that sort of a remark is only what might be expected from + any person upward of seven feet tall and weighing about ninety-eight + pounds with his heavy underwear on. I shall freely take Dr. Woods + Hutchinson's statements on the joys and ills of the thin. But when he + undertakes to tell me that fat people are happier than thin people, it is + only hearsay evidence with him and decline to accept his statements + unchallenged. He is going outside of his class. He is, as you might say, + no more than an innocent bystander. Whereas I am a qualified authority. + </p> + <p> + I will admit that at one stage of my life, I regarded fleshiness as a + desirable asset. The incident came about in this way. There was a circus + showing in our town and a number of us proposed to attend it. It was one + of those one-ring, ten-cent circuses that used to go about over the + country, and it is my present recollection that all of us had funds laid + by sufficient to buy tickets; but if we could procure admission in the + regular way we felt it would be a sinful waste of money to pay our way in. + </p> + <p> + With this idea in mind we went scouting round back of the main tent to a + comparatively secluded spot, and there we found a place where the canvas + side-wall lifted clear of the earth for a matter of four or five inches. + We held an informal caucus to decide who should should go first. The honor + lay between two of us—between the present writer, who was reasonably + skinny, and another boy, named Thompson, who was even skinnier. He won, as + the saying is, on form. It was decided by practically a unanimous vote, he + alone dissenting, that he should crawl under and see how the land lay + inside. If everything was all right he would make it known by certain + signals and we would then follow, one by one. + </p> + <p> + Two of us lifted the canvas very gently and this Thompson boy started to + wriggle under. He was about halfway in when—zip!—like a flash + he bodily vanished. He was gone, leaving only the marks where his toes had + gouged the soil. Startled, we looked at one another. There was something + peculiar about this. Here was a boy who had started into a circus tent in + a circumspect, indeed, a highly cautious manner, and then finished the + trip with undue and sudden precipitancy. It was more than peculiar—it + bordered upon the uncanny. It was sinister. Without a word having been + spoken we decided to go away from there. + </p> + <p> + Wearing expressions of intense unconcern and sterling innocence upon our + young faces we did go away from there and drifted back in the general + direction of the main entrance. We arrived just in time to meet our young + friend coming out. He came hurriedly, using his hands and his feet both, + his feet for traveling and his hands for rubbing purposes. Immediately + behind him was a large, coarse man using language that stamped him as a + man who had outgrown the spirit of youth and was preeminently out of touch + with the ideals and aims of boyhood. + </p> + <p> + At that period it seemed to me and to the Thompson boy, who was moved to + speak feelingly on the subject, and in fact to all of us, that excessive + slimness might have its drawbacks. Since that time several of us have had + occasion to change our minds. With the passage of years we have fleshened + up, and now we know better. The last time I saw the Thompson boy he was + known as Excess-Baggage Thompson. His figure in profile suggested a man + carrying a roll-top desk in his arms and his face looked like a face that + had refused to jell and was about to run down on his clothes. He spoke + longingly of the days of his youth and wondered if the shape of his knees + had changed much since the last time he saw them. + </p> + <p> + Yes sir, no matter what Doctor Hutchinson says, I contend that the slim + man has all the best of it in this world. The fat man is the universal + goat; he is humanity's standing joke. Stomachs are the curse of our modern + civilization. When a man gets a stomach his troubles begin. If you doubt + this ask any fat man—I started to say ask any fat woman, too. Only + there aren't any fat women to speak of. There are women who are plump and + will admit it; there are even women who are inclined to be stout. But + outside of dime museums there are no fat women. But there are plenty of + fat men. Ask one of them. Ask any one of them. Ask me. + </p> + <p> + This thing of acquiring a tummy steals on one insidiously, like a thief in + the night. You notice that you are plumping out a trifle and for the time + being you feel a sort of small personal satisfaction in it. Your shirts + fit you better. You love the slight strain upon the buttonholes. You + admire the pleasant plunking sound suggestive of ripe watermelons when you + pat yourself. Then a day comes when the persuasive odor of mothballs fills + the autumnal air and everybody at the barber shop is having the back of + his neck shaved also, thus betokening awakened social activities, and when + evening is at hand you take the dress-suit, which fitted you so well, out + of the closet where it has been hanging and undertake to back yourself + into it. You are pained to learn that it is about three sizes too small. + At first you are inclined to blame the suit for shrinking, but second + thought convinces you that the fault lies elsewhere. It is you that have + swollen, not the suit that has shrunk. The buttons that should adorn the + front of the coat are now plainly visible from the rear. + </p> + <p> + You buy another dress-suit and next fall you have out-grown that one too. + You pant like a lizard when you run to catch a car. You cross your legs + and have to hold the crossed one on with both hands to keep your stomach + from shoving it off in space. After a while you quit crossing them and are + content with dawdling yourself on your own lap. You are fat! Dog-gone it—you + are fat! + </p> + <p> + You are up against it and it is up against you, which is worse. You are + something for people to laugh at. You are also expected to laugh. It is + all right for a thin man to be grouchy; people will say the poor creature + has dyspepsia and should be humored along. But a fat man with a grouch is + inexcusable in any company—there is so much of him to be grouchy. He + constitutes a wave of discontent and a period of general depression. He is + not expected to be romantic and sentimental either. It is all right for a + giraffe to be sentimental, but not a hippopotamus. If you doubt me consult + any set of natural history pictures. The giraffe is shown with his long + and sinuous neck entwined in fond embrace about the neck of his mate; but + the amphibious, blood-sweating hippo is depicted as spouting and + wallowing, morose and misanthropic, in a mud puddle off by himself. In + passing I may say that I regard this comparison as a particularly apt one, + because I know of no living creature so truly amphibious in hot weather as + an open-pored fat man, unless it is a hippopotamus. + </p> + <p> + Oh how true is the saying that nobody loves a fat man! When fat comes up + on the front porch love jumps out of the third-story window. Love in a + cottage? Yes. Love in a rendering plant? No. A fat man's heart is supposed + to lie so far inland that the softer emotions cannot reach it at all. Yet + the fattest are the truest, if you did but know it, and also they are the + tenderest and a man with a double chin rarely leads a double life. For one + thing, it requires too much moving round. + </p> + <p> + A fat man cannot wear the clothes he would like to wear. As a race fat men + are fond of bright and cheerful colors; but no fat man can indulge his + innocent desires in this direction without grieving his family and friends + and exciting the derisive laughter of the unthinking. If he puts on a + fancy-flowered vest, they'll say he looks like a Hanging Garden of + Babylon. And yet he has a figure just made for showing off a + fancy-flowered vest to best effect. He may favor something in light checks + for his spring suit; but if he ventures abroad in a checked suit, ribald + strangers will look at him meaningly and remark to one another that the + center of population appears to be shifting again. It has been my + observation that fat men are instinctively drawn to short tan overcoats + for the early fall. But a fat man in a short tan overcoat, strolling up + the avenue of a sunny afternoon, will be constantly overhearing persons + behind him wondering why they didn't wait until night to move the bank + vault. That irks him sore; but if he turns round to reproach them he is + liable to shove an old lady or a poor blind man off the sidewalk, and + then, like as not, some gamin will sing out: "Hully gee, Chimmy, wot's + become of the rest of the parade? 'Ere's the bass drum goin' home all by + itself." + </p> + <p> + I've known of just such remarks being made and I assure you they cut a + sensitive soul to the core. Not for the fat man are the snappy clothes for + varsity men and the patterns called by the tailors confined because that + is what they should be but aren't. Not for him the silken shirt with the + broad stripes. Shirts with stripes that were meant to run vertically but + are caused to run horizontally, by reasons over which the wearer has no + control, remind others of the awning over an Italian grocery. So the fat + man must stick to sober navy blues and depressing blacks and melancholy + grays. He is advised that he should wear his evening clothes whenever + possible, because black and white lines are more becoming to him. But even + in evening clothes, that wide expanse of glazed shirt and those white + enamel studs will put the onlookers in mind of the front end of a dairy + lunch or so I have been cruelly told. + </p> + <p> + When planning public utilities, who thinks of a fat man? There never was a + hansom cab made that would hold a fat man comfortably unless he left the + doors open, and that makes him feel undressed. There never was an + orchestra seat in a theater that would contain all of him at the same time—he + churns up and sloshes out over the sides. Apartment houses and elevators + and hotel towels are all constructed upon the idea that the world is + populated by stock-size people with those double-A-last shapes. + </p> + <p> + Take a Pullman car, for instance. One of the saddest sights known is that + of a fat man trying to undress on one of those closet shelves called upper + berths without getting hopelessly entangled in the hammock or committing + suicide by hanging himself with his own suspenders. And after that, the + next most distressing sight is the same fat man after he has undressed and + is lying there, spouting like a sperm-whale and overflowing his + reservation like a crock of salt-rising dough in a warm kitchen, and + wondering how he can turn over without bulging the side of the car and + maybe causing a wreck. Ah me, those dark green curtains with the overcoat + buttons on them hide many a distressful spectacle from the traveling + public! + </p> + <p> + If a fat man undertakes to reduce nobody sympathizes with him. A thin man + trying to fatten up so he won't fall all the way through his trousers when + he draws 'em on in the morning is an object of sympathy and of admiration, + and people come from miles round and give him advice about how to do it. + But suppose a fat man wants to train down to a point where, when he goes + into a telephone booth and says "Ninety-four Broad," the spectators will + know he is trying to get a number and not telling his tailor what his + waist measure is. + </p> + <p> + Is he greeted with sympathetic understanding? He is not. He is greeted + with derision and people stand round and gloat at him. The authorities + recommend health exercises, but health exercises are almost invariably + undignified in effect and wearing besides. Who wants to greet the dewy + morn by lying flat on his back and lifting his feet fifty times? What kind + of a way is that to greet the dewy morn anyhow? And bending over with the + knees stiff and touching the tips of the toes with the tips of the fingers—that's + no employment for a grown man with a family to support and a position to + maintain in society. Besides which it cannot be done. I make the statement + unequivocally and without fear of successful contradiction that it cannot + be done. And if it could be done—which as I say it can't—there + would be no real pleasure in touching a set of toes that one has known of + only by common rumor for years. Those toes are the same as strangers to + you—you knew they were in the neighborhood, of course, but you + haven't been intimate with them. + </p> + <p> + Maybe you try dieting, which is contrary to nature. Nature intended that a + fat man should eat heartily, else why should she endow him with the + capacity and the accommodations. Starving in the midst of plenty is not + for him who has plenty of midst. Nature meant that a fat man should have + an appetite and that he should gratify it at regular intervals—meant + that he should feel like the Grand Canyon before dinner and like the Royal + Gorge afterward. Anyhow, dieting for a fat man consists in not eating + anything that's fit to eat. The specialist merely tells him to eat what a + horse would eat and has the nerve to charge him for what he could have + found out for himself at any livery stable. Of course he might bant in the + same way that a woman bants. You know how a woman bants. She begins the + day very resolutely, and if you are her husband you want to avoid + irritating her or upsetting her, because hell hath no fury like a woman + banting. For breakfast she takes a swallow of lukewarm water and half of a + soda cracker. For luncheon she takes the other half of the cracker and + leaves off the water. For dinner she orders everything on the menu except + the date and the name of the proprietor. She does this in order to give + her strength to go on with the treatment. + </p> + <p> + No fat man would diet that way; but no matter which way he does diet it + doesn't do him any good. Health exercises only make him muscle-sore and + bring on what the Harvard ball team call the Charles W. Horse; while + banting results in attacks of those kindred complaints—the Mollie K. + Grubbs and the Fan J. Todds. + </p> + <p> + Walking is sometimes recommended and the example of the camel is pointed + out, the camel being a creature that can walk for days and days. But, as + has been said by some thinking person, who in thunder wants to be a camel? + The subject of horseback riding is also brought up frequently in this + connection. It is one of the commonest delusions among fat men that + horseback riding will bring them down and make them sylphlike and willowy. + I have several fat men among my lists of acquaintances who labor under + this fallacy. None of them was ever a natural-born horseback rider; none + of them ever will be. I like to go out of a bright morning and take a + comfortable seat on a park bench—one park bench is plenty roomy + enough if nobody else is using it—and sit there and watch these + unhappy persons passing single file along the bridle-path. I sit there and + gloat until by rights I ought to be required to take out a gloater's + license. + </p> + <p> + Mind you, I have no prejudice against horseback riding as such. Horseback + riding is all right for mounted policemen and Colonel W. F. Cody and + members of the Stickney family and the party who used to play Mazeppa in + the sterling drama of that name. That is how those persons make their + living. They are suited for it and acclimated to it. It is also all right + for equestrian statues of generals in the Civil War. But it is not a fit + employment for a fat man and especially for a fat man who insists on + trying to ride a hard-trotting horse English style, which really isn't + riding at all when you come right down to cases, but an outdoor cure for + neurasthenia invented, I take it, by a British subject who was nervous + himself and hated to stay long in one place. So, as I was saying, I sit + there on my comfortable park bench and watch those friends of mine + bouncing by, each wearing on his face that set expression which is seen + also on the faces of some men while waltzing, and on the faces of most + women when entertaining their relatives by marriage. I have one friend who + is addicted to this form of punishment in a violent, not to say a + malignant form. He uses for his purpose a tall and self-willed horse of + the Tudor period—a horse with those high dormer effects and a + sloping mansard. This horse must have been raised, I think, in the + knockabout song-and-dance business. Every time he hears music or thinks he + hears it he stops and vamps with his feet. When he does this my friend + bends forward and clutches him round the neck tightly. I think he is + trying to whisper in the horse's ear and beg him in Heaven's name to + forbear; but what he looks like is Santa Claus with a clean shave, sitting + on the combing of a very steep house with his feet hanging over the eaves, + peeking down the chimney to see if the children are asleep yet. When that + horse dies he will still have finger marks on his throat and the + authorities will suspect foul play probably. + </p> + <p> + Once I tried it myself. I was induced to scale the heights of a horse that + was built somewhat along the general idea of the Andes Mountains, only + more rugged and steeper nearing the crest. From the ground he looked to be + not more than sixteen hands high, but as soon as I was up on top of him I + immediately discerned that it was not sixteen hands—it was sixteen + miles. What I had taken for the horse's blaze face was a snow-capped peak. + Miss Anna Peck might have felt at home up there, because she has had the + experience and is used to that sort of thing, but I am no mountain climber + myself. + </p> + <p> + Before I could make any move to descend to the lower and less rarefied + altitudes the horse began executing a few fancy steps, and he started + traveling sidewise with a kind of a slanting bias movement that was + extremely disconcerting, not to say alarming, instead of proceeding + straight ahead as a regular horse would. I clung there astraddle of his + ridge pole, with my fingers twined in his mane, trying to anticipate where + he would be next, in order to be there to meet him if possible; and I + resolved right then that, if Providence in His wisdom so willed it that I + should get down from up there alive, I would never do so again. However, I + did not express these longings in words—not at that time. At that + time there were only two words in the English language which seemed to + come to me. One of them was "Whoa" and the other was "Ouch," and I spoke + them alternately with such rapidity that they merged into the compound + word "Whouch," which is a very expressive word and one that I would freely + recommend to others who may be situated as I was. + </p> + <p> + At that moment, of all the places in the world that I could think of—and + I could think of a great many because the events of my past life were + rapidly flashing past me—as is customary, I am told, in other cases + of grave peril, such as drowning—I say of all the places in the + world there were just two where I least desired to be—one was up on + top of that horse and the other was down under him. But it seemed to be a + choice of the two evils, and so I chose the lesser and got under him. I + did this by a simple expedient that occurred to me at the moment. I fell + off. I was tramped on considerably, and the earth proved to be harder than + it looked when viewed from an approximate height of sixteen miles up, but + I lived and breathed—or at least I breathed after a time had elapsed—and + I was satisfied. And so, having gone through this experience myself, I am + in position to appreciate what any other man of my general build is going + through as I see him bobbing by—the poor martyr, sacrificing himself + as a burnt offering, or anyway a blistered one—on the high altar of + a Gothic ruin of a horse. And, besides, I know that riding a horse doesn't + reduce a fat man. It merely reduces the horse. + </p> + <p> + So it goes—the fat man is always up against it. His figure is + half-masted in regretful memory of the proportions he had once, and he is + made to mourn. Most sports and many gainful pursuits are closed against + him. He cannot play lawn tennis, or, at least according to my observation, + he cannot play lawn tennis oftener than once in two weeks. In between + games he limps round, stiff as a hat tree and sore as a mashed thumb. Time + was when he might mingle in the mystic mazes of the waltz, tripping the + light fantastic toe or stubbing it, as the case may be. But that was in + the days of the old-fashioned square dance, which was the fat man's friend + among dances, and also of the old-fashioned two-step, and not in these + times when dancing is a cross between a wrestling match, a contortion act + and a trip on a roller-coaster, and is either named for an animal, like + the Bunny Hug and the Tarantula Glide, or for a town, like the Mobile + Mop-Up, and the Far Rockaway Rock and the South Bend Bend. His friends + would interfere—or the authorities would. He can go in swimming, it + is true; but if he turns over and floats, people yell out that somebody + has set the life raft adrift; and if he basks at the water's edge, boats + will come in and try to dock alongside him; and if he takes a sun bath on + the beach and sunburns, there's so everlasting much of him to be sunburned + that he practically amounts to a conflagration. He can't shoot rapids, + craps or big game with any degree of comfort; nor play billiards. He can't + get close enough to the table to make the shots, and he puts all the + English on himself and none of it on the cue ball. + </p> + <p> + Consider the gainful pursuits. Think how many of them are denied to the + man who may have energy and ability but is shut out because there are a + few extra terraces on his front lawn. A fat man cannot be a leading man in + a play. Nobody desires a fat hero for a novel. A fat man cannot go in for + aeroplaning. He cannot be a wire-walker or a successful walker of any of + the other recognized brands—track, cake, sleep or floor. He doesn't + make a popular waiter. Nobody wants a fat waiter on a hot day. True, you + may make him bring your order under covered dishes, but even so, there is + still that suggestion of rain on a tin roof that is distasteful to so + many. + </p> + <p> + So I repeat that fat people are always getting the worst of it, and I say + again, of all the ills that flesh is heir to, the worst is the flesh + itself. As the poet says—"The world, the flesh and the devil"—and + there you have it in a sentence—the flesh in between, catching the + devil on one side and the jeers of the world on the other. I don't care + what Dr. Woods Hutchinson or any other thin man says! I contend that + history is studded with instances of prominent persons who lost out + because they got fat. Take Cleopatra now, the lady to whom Marc Antony + said: "I am dying, Egypt, dying," and then refrained from doing so for + about nineteen more stanzas. Cleo or Pat—she was known by both + names, I hear—did fairly well as a queen, as a coquette and as a + promoter of excursions on the river—until she fleshened up. Then she + flivvered. Doctor Johnson was a fat man and he suffered from prickly heat, + and from Boswell, and from the fact that he couldn't eat without spilling + most of the gravy on his second mezzanine landing. As a thin and spindly + stripling Napoleon altered the map of Europe and stood many nations on + their heads. It was after he had grown fat and pursy that he landed on St. + Helena and spent his last days on a barren rock, with his arms folded, + posing for steel engravings. Nero was fat, and he had a lot of hard luck + in keeping his relatives—they were almost constantly dying on him + and he finally had to stab himself with one of those painful-looking old + Roman two-handed swords, lest something really serious befall him. + Falstaff was fat, and he lost the favor of kings in the last act. Coming + down to our own day and turning to a point no farther away than the White + House at Washington—but have we not enough examples without becoming + personal? Yes, I know Julius Caesar said: "Let me have men about me that + are fat." But you bet it wasn't in the heated period when J. Caesar said + that! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TEETH + </h2> + <p> + One of the most pleasant features about being born, as I conceive it, is + that we are born without teeth. I believe there have been a few exceptions + to this rule—Richard the Third, according to the accounts, came into + the world equipped with all his teeth and a perfectly miserable + disposition; and once in a while, especially during Roosevelt years, when + the Colonel's picture is hanging on the walls of so many American homes, + we read in the paper that a baby has just been born somewhere with a full + set, and even, as in the case of the infant son of a former member of the + Rough Riders, with nose glasses and a close-cropped mustache. This, + however, may have been a pardonable exaggeration of the real facts. As I + recall now, it was reported in a dispatch to the New York Tribune from + Lover's Leap, Iowa, during the presidential campaign eight years ago. + </p> + <p> + In the main, though, we are born without teeth. We are born without a + number of things—clothes for example—although Anthony Comstock + is said to be pushing a law requiring all children to be born with + overalls on; but teeth is the subject which we are now discussing. This + absence of teeth tends to give the very young of our species the + appearance in the face of an old fashioned buckskin purse with the draw + string broken, but be that as it may, we are generally fairly well content + with life until the teeth begin to come. + </p> + <p> + First there are the milk teeth. Right there our troubles start. To use the + term commonly in use, we cut them, although as a matter of fact, they cut + us—cut them with the aid of some such mussy thing as a toothing ring + or the horny part of the nurse's thumb, or the reverse side of a spoon—cut + them at the cost of infinite suffering, not only for ourselves but for + everybody else in the vicinity. And about the time we get the last one in + we begin to lose the first one out. They go one at a time, by falling out, + or by being yanked out, or by coming out of their own accord when we eat + molasses taffy. They were merely what you might call our Entered + Apprentice teeth. We go in now for the full thirty-two degrees—one + degree for each tooth and thirty-two teeth to a set. By arduous and + painful processes, stretching over a period of years, we get our regular + teeth—the others were only volunteers—concluding with the + wisdom teeth, as so called, but it is a misnomer, because there never is + room for them and they have to stand up in the back row and they usually + arrive with holes in them, and if we really possessed any wisdom we would + figure out some way of abolishing them altogether. They come late and + crowd their way in and push the other teeth out of line and so we go about + for months with the top of our mouths filled with braces and wires and + things, so that when we breathe hard we sob and croon inside of ourselves + like an Aeolean harp. + </p> + <p> + But in any event we get them all and no sooner do we get them than we + begin to lose them. They develop cavities and aches and extra roots and we + spend a good part of our lives and most of our substance with the dentist. + Nevertheless, in spite of all we can do and all he can do, we keep on + losing them. And after awhile, they are all gone and our face folds up on + us like a crush hat or a concertina and from our brow to our chin we don't + look much more than a third as long as we used to look. We dislike this + folded-up appearance naturally—who wouldn't? And we get tired of + living on spoon victuals and the memory of past beef-steaks. So we go and + get some false ones made. They have to be made to order; there appears to + be no market for custom made teeth; you never see any hand-me-down teeth + advertised, guaranteed to fit any face and withstand a damp climate. + Getting them made to order is a long and unhappy process and I will pass + over it briefly. Having got them, we find that they do not fit us or that + we do not fit them, which comes to the same thing. The dentist makes them + fit by altering us some and the teeth some, and after some months they + quit feeling as though they didn't belong to us but had been borrowed + temporarily from somebody's loan collection of ceramics. + </p> + <p> + But just about the time they are becoming acclimated and we are getting + used to them, the interior of our mouth for private reasons best known to + itself changes around materially and we either have to go back and start + all over and go through the whole thing again, or else haply we die and + pass on to the bourne from which no traveller returneth either with his + teeth or without them. If Shakespeare had only thought of it—and he + did think of a number of things from time to time—he might have + divided his Seven Ages of Man much better by making them the Seven Ages of + Teeth as follows: First age—no tooth; second age—milk teeth; + third age—losing 'em; fourth age—getting more teeth; fifth age—losing + 'em; sixth age—getting false teeth and finding they aren't + satisfactory; seventh age—toothless again. + </p> + <p> + I knew a man once who was a gunsmith and lost all his teeth at a + comparatively early age. He went along that way for years. He had to + eschew the tenderloin for the reason that he couldn't chew it, and he had + to cut out hickory nut cake and corn on the ear and such things. But there + is nothing about the art of gunsmithing which seems to call for teeth, so + he got along very well, living in a little house with the wife of his + bosom and a faithful housedog named Ponto. But when he was past sixty he + went and got himself some teeth from the dentist. He did this without + saying anything about it at home; he was treasuring it up for a surprise. + The corner stone was laid in May and the scaffolding was all up by July + and in August the new teeth were dedicated with suitable ceremonies. + </p> + <p> + They altered his appearance materially. His nose and chin which had been + on terms of intimacy now rubbed each other a last fond good-bye and his + face lost that accordion-pleated look and straightened out and became + about six or seven inches longer from top to bottom. He now had a sort of + determined aspect like the iron jawed lady in a circus, whereas before his + face had the appearance of being folded over and wadded down inside of his + neck band, so his hat could rest comfortably on his collar. He knew he was + altered, but he didn't realize how much he was altered until he went home + that evening and walked proudly in the front gate. His wife who was timid + about strangers, slammed the door right in his face and faithful Ponto + came out from under the porch steps and bit him severely in the calf of + the leg. There was only one consolation in it for him—for the first + time in a long number of years he was in position to bite back. + </p> + <p> + And that's how it is with teeth—with your teeth let us say—for + right here I'm going to drop the personal pronoun and speak of them as + your teeth from now on. If anybody has to suffer it might as well be you + and not me; I expect to be busy telling about it. As I started to say + awhile ago, you—remember it's you from this point—you get your + regular teeth and they start right in giving you trouble. Every little + while one of them bursts from its cell with a horrible yell and in the + lulls between pangs you go forth among men with the haunted look in your + eye of one who is listening for the footfalls of a dread apparition, and + one half of your head is puffed out of plumb as though you were engaged in + the whimsical idea of holding an egg plant in the side of your jaw. A kind + friend meets you, and, speaking with that high courage and that lofty + spirit of sacrifice which a kind friend always exhibits when it's your + tooth that is kicking up the rumpus and not his, he tells you you ought to + have something done for it right away. You know that as well as he does, + but you hate to have the subject brought up. It's your toothache anyhow. + It originated with you. You are its proud parent but not so awfully proud + at that. Mother and child doing as well as could be expected, but not + expected to do very well. + </p> + <p> + But these friends of yours keep on shoving their free advice on you and + the tooth keeps on getting worse and worse until the pain spreads all + through the First Ward and finally you grab your resolution in both hands + to keep it from leaking out between your fingers and you go to the + dentist's. + </p> + <p> + This happens so many times that after awhile you lose count and so would + the dentist, if he didn't write your name down every time in his little + red book with pleasingly large amounts entered opposite to it. It seems to + you that you are always doing something for your teeth? You have them + pulled and pushed and shoved and filled and unfilled and refilled and + excavated and blasted and sculptured and scroll-sawed and a lot of other + things that you wouldn't think could be done legally without a building + permit. As time passes on, the inside of your once well-tilled and + commodious head becomes but little more than a recent site. Your vaults + have been blown and most of your contents abstracted by Amalgam Mike and + Dental Slim, the Demon Yeggmen of the Human Face. You are merely the + scattered clews left behind for the authorities to work on; you are the + faint traces of the fiendish crime. You are the point marked X. + </p> + <p> + But all along there is generally one tooth that has behaved herself like a + lady. Other teeth may have betrayed your confidence but Old Faithful has + hung on, attending to business, asking only for standing room and kind + treatment. The others you may view with alarm, but to this tooth you can + point with pride. But have a care—she is deceiving you. + </p> + <p> + Some night you go to bed and have a dream. In your dream it seems to you + that a fox terrier is chasing a woodchuck around and around the inside of + your head. In that tangled sort of fashion peculiar to dreams your + sympathy seems to go out first to the fox terrier and then to the + woodchuck as they circle about nimbly, leaping from your tonsils to your + larynx and then up over the rafters in the roof of your mouth and down + again and pattering over the sub-maxillary from side to side. But about + then you wake up with a violent start and decide that any sympathy you may + have in stock should be reserved for personal use exclusively, because at + this moment the dog trees the woodchuck at the base of that cherished + tooth of yours and starts to dig him out. He is a very determined dog and + very active, but he needs a manicure. You are struck by that fact almost + immediately. + </p> + <p> + Uttering some of those trite and commonplace remarks that are customary + for use under such circumstances and yet are so futile to express one's + real sentiments, you arise and undertake to pacify the infuriated creature + with household remedies. You try to lure him away with a wad of medicated + cotton stuck on the end of a parlor match. But arnica is evidently an + acquired taste with him. He doesn't seem to care for it any more than you + do. You begin to dress, using one hand to put your clothes on with and the + other to hold the top of your head on. At this important juncture, the dog + tears down the last remaining partitions and nails the woodchuck. The + woodchuck is game—say what you will about the habits and customs of + the woodchuck you have to hand it to him there—he's game as a lion. + He fights back desperately. Intense excitement reigns throughout the + vicinity. While the struggle wages you get your clothes on and wait for + daylight to come, which it does in from eight to ten weeks. Norway is not + the only place where the nights are six months long. + </p> + <p> + There is nobody waiting at the dentist's when you get there, it being + early. You are willing to wait. At a barber shop it may be different but + at a dentist's you are always willing to wait, like a gentleman. But the + sinewy young man who is sitting in the front parlor reading the Hammer + Thrower's Gazette, welcomes you with a false air of gaiety entirely out of + keeping with the circumstances and invites you to step right in. He tells + you that you are next. This is wrong—if you were next you would turn + and flee like a deer. Not being next, you enter. Right from the start you + seem to take a dislike to this young man. You catch him spitting in his + hands and hitching his sleeves up as you are hanging up your hat. Besides + he is too robust for a dentist. With those shoulders he ought to be a + boiler maker or a safe mover or something of that sort. You resolve + inwardly that next time you go to a dentist you are going to one of a more + lady-like bearing and gentler demeanor. It seems a brutal thing that a big + strong man should waste his years in a dental establishment when the world + is clamoring for strong men to do the heavy lifting jobs. But before you + can say anything, this muscular athlete has laid violent hands on your + palpitating form and wadded it abruptly into the hideous embraces of a red + plush chair, which looks something like the one they use up at Sing Sing, + only it's done more quickly up there and with less suffering on the part + of the condemned. On one side of you you behold quite a display of open + plumbing and on the other side a tasty exhibit of small steel tools of + assorted sizes. No matter which way your gaze may stray you'll be seeing + something attractive. + </p> + <p> + You also take notice of an electric motor about large enough, you would + say, to run a trolley car, which is purring nearby in a sinister and + forbidding way. They are constantly making these little improvements in + the dental profession. I have heard that fifty years ago a dentist + traveled about over the country from place to place, sometimes pulling a + tooth and sometimes breaking a colt. He practiced his art with an outfit + consisting of two pairs of iron forceps—one pair being saber-toothed + while the other pair was merely saw-fretted—and he gave a man the + same kind of treatment he gave a horse, only he tied the horse's legs + first. But now electricity is in general use and no dentist's + establishment is complete without a dynamo attachment which makes a + crooning sound when in operation and provides instrumental accompaniment + to the song of the official canary. + </p> + <p> + I know why a barber in a country town is always learning to play on the + guitar and I know why a man with an emotional Adam's apple always wears an + open front collar. I know these things, but am debarred from telling them + by reason of a solemn oath. But I have not yet been able to discover why + every dentist keeps a canary in his office. Nor do I know why it is, just + as you settle your neck back on a head rest that's every bit as + comfortable as an anvil, and just as a dentist climbs into you as far as + the arm pits and begins probing at the bottom of a tooth which has roots + extending back behind your ears, like an old-fashioned pair of spectacles, + that the canary bird should wipe his nose on a cuttle bone and dash into a + melodious outburst of two hundred thousand twitters, all of them being + twitters of the same size, shape, and color. For that matter, I don't even + know what kind of an animal a cuttle is, although I should say from the + shape of his bone as used by the canary instead of a pocket handkerchief, + that he is circular and flat and stands on edge only with the utmost + difficulty. If you will pardon my temporary digressions into the realm of + natural history, we will now return to the main subject, which was your + tooth. + </p> + <p> + The moment the muscular young man starts up his motor and gives the canary + its music cue and begins pawing over his tool collection to pick out a + good sharp one, you recover. All of a sudden you feel fine, and so does + the tooth. Neither one of you ever felt better. The fox terrier must have + killed the woodchuck and then committed suicide. You are about to mention + this double tragedy and beg the young man's pardon for causing him any + trouble and excuse yourself and go away, but just then he quits feeling of + his biceps and suddenly seizes you by your features and undoes them. If + you are where you can catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror you will + immediately note how much the human face divine can be made to look like + an old-fashioned red brick Colonial fire place. + </p> + <p> + There are likely to be several things you would like to talk about. You + are full of thoughts seeking utterance. For one thing you want to tell him + you don't think the brand of soap he uses on his hands is going to agree + with you at all. You probably don't care personally for the way your + barber's thumb tastes either, but a barber's thumb is Peaches Melba + alongside of a dentist's. Before you can say anything though he discovers + a cavity or orifice of some sort in the base of your tooth. It seems to + give him pleasure. Filled with intense gratification by this discovery and + fired moreover by the impetuous ardor of the chase, he grabs up a crochet + needle with a red hot stinger on the end of it and jabs it down your tooth + to a point about opposite where your suspenders fork in the back. + </p> + <p> + You have words with him then, or at least you start to have words with + him, but he puts his knee in your chest and tells you that it really + doesn't hurt at all, but is only your imagination, and utters other + soothing remarks of that general nature. He then exchanges the crochet + needle for a kind of an instrument with a burr on the end of it. This + instrument first came into use at the time of the Spanish Inquisition but + has since been greatly improved on and brought right up to date. He takes + this handy little utensil and proceeds to stir up your imagination some + more. You again try to say something, speaking in a muffled tone, but he + is not listening. He is calling to a brother assassin in the adjoining + room to come and see a magnificent example of a prime old-vatted triple X + exposed nerve. So the Second Grave Digger rests his tools against the + palate of his victim and comes in. + </p> + <p> + As nearly as you can gather from hearsay evidence, you not being an eye + witness yourself, one of them harpoons the nerve just back of the gills + with a nutpick—remember please it is your nerve that they are taking + all these liberties with—and pulls it out of its retreat and the + other man takes a tack hammer and tries to beat its brains out. Any time + he misses the nerve he hits you, so his average is still a thousand, and + it is fine practice for him. A pleasant time is had by everybody present + except you and the nerve. The nerve wraps its hind legs around your + breastbone and hangs on desperately. You perspire freely and make noises + like a drunken Zulu trying to sing a Swedish folk song while holding a + spoonful of hot mush in his mouth. + </p> + <p> + In time becoming wearied even of these congenial diversions and tiring of + the shop talk that has been going on, the second dentist returns to his + original prey and the party who has you in charge tries a new experiment. + He arms himself with a kind of an automatic hammering machine, somewhat + similar to the steam riveter used in constructing steel office buildings, + except that this one is more compact and can deliver about eighty-five + more blows to the second. Thus equipped, he descends far below your high + water mark and engages in aquatic sports and pastimes for a considerable + period of time. It seems to you that you never saw a man who could go down + and stay down as long as this young man can. You begin to feel that you + misjudged his real vocation in life when you decided that he ought to be a + boiler maker. You know that he was intended for pearl fishing. He's a + natural born deep sea diver. He doesn't even have to come up to breathe, + but stays below, knee deep in your tide wash, merrily knocking chunks off + your lowermost coral reefs with his little steam riveter and having a + perfectly lovely time. + </p> + <p> + You are overflowing copiously and you wish he would take the time to stop + and bail you out. You abhor the idea of being drowned as an inside job. + But no, he keeps right on and along about here it is customary for you to + swoon away. + </p> + <p> + On recovering, you observe that he has changed his mind again. He is now + going in for amateur theatricals and is using you for a theatre. First + thoughtfully draping a little rubber drop curtain across your proscenium + arch to keep you from seeing what is going on behind your own scenes, he + is setting the stage for the thrilling sawmill scene in Blue Jeans. You + can distinctly feel the circular saw at work and you can taste a hod of + mortar and a bucket of hot tar and one thing and another that have been + left in the wings. You also judge that the insulation is burning off of an + electric fixture somewhere up stage. + </p> + <p> + All this time the tooth is still offering resistance, and eventually the + dentist comes out in front once more and makes a little curtain speech to + you. He has just ascertained that what the tooth really needed was not + filling but pulling. He thought at first that it should be filled and that + is what he has been doing—filling it—but now he knows that + pulling is the indicated procedure. He does not understand how a tooth + that seemed so open could have deceived him. Nevertheless he will now pull + the tooth. + </p> + <p> + He pulls her. She does her level best but he pulls her. He harvests small + sections of the gum from time to time and occasionally he stops long + enough to loosen up the roots as far down as your floating ribs. But he + pulls her. He spares no pains to pull that tooth. Or if he spares any you + are not able subsequently to remember what they were. You utter various + loud sounds in a strange and incomprehensible language and he lays back + and braces his knees against your lower jaw, and the tooth utters the + death rattle and begins picking the cover-lid. And then he gives one final + heave and breaks the roots away from the lower part of your spinal column + to which they were adhering, and emerges into the open panting but + triumphant, and holds his trophy up for you to look at. If you didn't know + it was your tooth you would take it for an old-fashioned china cuspidor + that had been neglected by the janitor. + </p> + <p> + It was a tooth that you had been prizing for years, but now you wouldn't + have it as a gracious gift. You are through with that tooth forever. You + never want to see it again. + </p> + <p> + As for the dentist, he collects the fixed charge for stumpage and corkage + and one thing and another and you come away with a feeling in the side of + your jaw like a vacant lot. Your tongue keeps going over there to see if + it can recognize the old place by the hole where the foundations used to + be. You never realized before what a basement there was to a tooth. + </p> + <p> + As you come out you pass a fresh victim going in and you see the dentist + welcome him and then turn to crank up his motor and you hear the canary + tuning up with a new line of v-shaped twitters. And you are glad that he + is the one who is going in and that you are the one who is coming out. + </p> + <p> + Science tells us that the teeth are the hardest things in the human + composition, which is all very well as far as it goes, but what science + should do is to go on and finish the sentence. It means the hardest to + keep. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HAIR + </h2> + <p> + As I remarked in the preceding chapter of this work, one of the + pleasantest features about being born is that we are born without teeth + and other responsibilities. Teeth, like debts and installment payments, + come along later on. It is the same way with hair. + </p> + <p> + Born, we are, hairless or comparatively so. We are in a highly incomplete + state at that period of our lives. It takes a fond and doting parent to + detect evidences of an actual human aspect in us. Only the ears and the + mouth appear to be up to the plans and specifications. There is a mouth + which when opened, as it generally is, makes the rest of the face look + like a tire, and there is a pair of ears of such generous size that only a + third one is needed, round at the back somewhere, to give us the + appearance of a loving cup. And we are smocked and hem-stitched with a + million wrinkles apiece, more or less, which partly accounts for the fact + that every newborn infant looks to be about two hundred years old. And + uniformly we have the nice red complexion of a restaurant lobster. You + know that live-broiled look? + </p> + <p> + As for our other features, they are more or less rudimentary. Of a nose + there is only what a chemist would call a trace. It seems hard to imagine + that a dinky little nubbin like that, a dimple turned inside out, as it + were, will ever develop into a regular nose, with a capacity for freckling + in the summer and catching cold in the winter—a nose that you can + sneeze through and blow with. There are no eyebrows to speak of either, + and the skull runs up to a sharp point like a pineapple cheese. Just back + of the peak is a kind of soft, dented-in place like a Parker House roll, + and if you touch it we die. In some cases this spot remains soft + throughout life, and these persons grow up and go through railroad trains + in presidential years taking straw votes. + </p> + <p> + And, as I said before, there isn't any hair; only on the slopes of the + cheese are some very pale, faint, downy lines, which look as though they + had been sketched on lightly with a very soft drawing pencil and would + wipe off readily. That, however is the inception and beginning of what + afterward becomes, among our race, hair. To look at it you could hardly + believe it, but it is. Barring accidents or backwardness, it continues to + grow from that time on through our childhood, but its behavior is always a + profound disappointment. If the child is a girl and, therefore, entitled + to curly hair, her hair is sure to come in stiff and straight. If it's a + boy, to whom curls will be a curse and a cross of affliction, he is + morally certain to be as curly as a frizzly chicken, and until he gets old + enough to rebel he will wear long ringlets and boys of his acquaintance + will insert cockle-burs and chewing gum into his tresses, and he will be + known popularly as Sissie and otherwise his life with be made joyous and + carefree for him. If a reddish tone of hair is desired it is certain to + grow out yellow or brown or black; and if brown is your favorite shade you + are absolutely sure to be nice and red-headed, with eyebrows and lashes to + match, and so many cowlicks that when you remove your hat people will + think you're wearing two or three halos at once. Hair rarely or never acts + up to its advance notices. + </p> + <p> + One of the earliest and most painful recollections of my youth is + associated with hair. I still tingle warmly when I think of it. I should + say I was about eight years old at the time. My mother sent me down the + street to the barber's to have my hair trimmed—shingled was the term + then used. Some of my private collection of cowlicks had begun to stand up + in a way that invited adverse criticism and reminded people of sunbursts. + They made me look as though my hair were trying to pull itself out by the + roots and escape. So I was sent to the barber's. My little cousin, two + years younger, went along in my charge. It was thought that the + performance might entertain her. I was mounted in a chair and had a cloth + tucked in round my neck, like a self-made millionaire about to eat + consomme. The officiating barber got out a shiny steel instrument with + jaws—the first pair of clippers I had ever seen—and he ran + this up the back of my neck, producing a most agreeable feeling. He + reached the top of my head and would have paused but I told him to go + right ahead and clip me close all over, which he did. When he had finished + the job I was so delighted with the sensation and with the attendant + result as viewed in a mirror that I suggested he might give my little + cousin a similar treat. From a mere child I was ever so—willing + always to share my simple pleasures with those about me, especially where + it entailed no inconvenience on my part. I told him my father would pay + the bill for both of us when he came by that night. + </p> + <p> + The barber fell in with the suggestion. It has ever been my experience + that a barber will fall in readily with any suggestion whereby the barber + is going to get something out of it for himself. In this instance he was + going to get another quarter, and a quarter went farther in those days + than it does now. I dismounted from the chair and my innocent little + cousin was installed in my place. As I now recall she made no protest. The + barber ran his clippers conscientiously and painstakingly over her tender + young scalp, while I stood admiringly by and watched the long yellow curls + fall writhing upon the floor at my feet. It seemed to me that a great and + manifest improvement was produced in her general appearance. Instead of + being hampered by those silly curls dangling down all round her face, she + now had a round, slick, smooth dome decorated with a stiff yellowish + stubble, and the skin showed through nice and pink and the ears were well + displayed, whereas before they had been practically hidden. She was also + relieved of those foolish bangs hanging down in her eyes. This, I should + have stated, occurred in the period when womankind of whatsoever age and + also some men wore bangs, a disease from which all have since recovered + with the exception of racehorses and princesses of the various reigning + houses of Europe. And now my little cousin was shut of those annoying + bangs, and her forehead ran up so high that you had to go round behind her + to see where it left off. + </p> + <p> + Filled with a joyous sense of achievement and conscious of a kindly deed + worthily performed, I took my little cousin by her hand and led her home. + </p> + <p> + My mother was waiting for us at the front door. She seemed surprised when + I took off my hat and gave her a look, but that wasn't a circumstance to + her surprise when I proudly took off my little cousin's cap. She uttered a + kind of a strangled cry and my cousin's mother came running, and the way + she carried on was scandalous and ill-timed. I will draw a veil over the + proceedings of the next few minutes. At the time it would have been a + source of great personal gratification and comfort to me if I could have + drawn a number of veils, good, thick, woolen ones, over the proceedings. + My mother wept, my aunt wept, my little cousin wept, and I am not ashamed + to state that I wept quite copiously myself. But I had more provocation to + weep than any of them. + </p> + <p> + When this part of the affair was over my mother sent me back to the barber + with a message. I was to say that a heart-broken woman demanded to have + the curls of which her darling child had been denuded. I believe that + there was some idea entertained of sewing them into a cap and requiring my + cousin to wear the cap until new ones had sprouted. Even to me, a mere + child of eight, this seemed a foolish and totally unnecessary proceeding, + but the situation had already become so strained that I thought it the + part of prudence to go at once without offering any arguments of my own. I + felt, anyhow, that I would rather be away from the house for a while, + until calmer second judgment had succeeded excitement and tumult. + </p> + <p> + The man who owned the barber shop seemed surprised when I delivered the + message, but he told me to come back in a few minutes and he'd do what he + could. I drifted on down to the confectionery store at the corner to + forget my sorrows for the moment in a worshipful admiration of a display + of prize boxes and cracknels in glass-front cases—you should be able + to fix the period by the fact that cracknels and prize boxes were still in + vogue among the young. When I returned the head barber handed me quite a + large box—a shoebox—with a string tied round it. It did not + seem possible to me that my cousin could have had a whole shoebox full of + curls, but things had been going pretty badly that afternoon and my + motives had been misjudged and everything, so without any talk I took the + box and hurried home with it. My mother cut the string and my aunt lifted + the lid. + </p> + <p> + I should prefer again to draw a veil over the scenes that now ensued, but + the necessity of finishing this narrative requires me to state that it + being a Saturday and the head barber being a busy man, he had not taken + time to sort out my cousin's curls from among the flotsam and jetsam of + his establishment, but had just swept up enough off the floor to make a + good assorted boxful. I think the oldest inhabitant had probably dropped + in that day to have himself trimmed up a little round the edges. I seem to + remember a quantity of sandy whiskers shot with gray. There was enough + hair in that box and enough different kinds and colors of hair and stuff + to satisfy almost any taste, you would have thought, but my mother and + aunt were anything but satisfied. On the contrary, far from it. And yet my + cousin's hair was all there, if they had only been willing to spend a few + days sorting it out and separating it from the other contents. + </p> + <p> + In this particular instance I was the exception to the rule, that hair + generally gives a boy no great trouble from the time he merges out of + babyhood until he puts on long pants and begins to discern something + strangely and subtly attractive about the sex described by Mr. Kipling as + being the more deadly of the species. During this interim it is a matter + of no moment to a boy whether he goes shaggy or cropped, shorn or unshorn. + At intervals a frugal parent trims him to see if both his ears are still + there, or else a barber does it with more thoroughness, often recovering + small articles of household use that have been mysteriously missing for + months; but in the main he goes along carefree and unbarbered, not greatly + concerned with putting anything in his head or taking anything off of it. + </p> + <p> + In due season, though, he reaches the age where adolescent whiskers and + young romance begin to sprout out on him simultaneously—and from + that moment on for the rest of his life his hair is giving him bother, and + plenty of it. + </p> + <p> + Your hair gives you bother as long as you have it and more bother when it + starts to go. You are always doing something for it and it is always + showing deep-dyed ingratitude in return; or else the dye isn't deep + enough, which is even worse. Hair is responsible for such byproducts as + dandruff, barbers, wigs, several comic weeklies, mental anguish, added + expense, Chinese revolutions, and the standard joke about your wife's + using your best razor to open a can of tomatoes with. Hair has been of aid + to Buffalo Bill, Little Lord Fauntleroy, Samson, The Lady Godiva, Jo-Jo, + the Dog-Faced Boy, poets, pianists, some artists and most mattress makers, + but a drawback and a sorrow to Absalom, polar bears in captivity and the + male sex in general. + </p> + <p> + This assertion goes not only for hair on the head but for hair on the + face. Let us consider for a moment the matter of shaving. If you shave + yourself you excite a barber's contempt, and there is nobody whose + contempt the average man dreads more than a barber's, unless it is a + waiter's. And on the other hand, if you let a barber shave you he excites + not your contempt particularly, but your rage and frequently your undying + hatred. Once in a burst of confidence a barber told me one of the trade + secrets of his profession—he said that among barbers every face fell + into one of three classes, it being either a square, a round or a + squirrel. I know not, reader, whether yours be a square or a round or a + squirrel, but this much I will chance on a venture, sight unseen—that + you have your periods of intense unhappiness when you are being shaved. + </p> + <p> + I do not refer so much to the actual process of being shaved. Indeed there + is something restful and soothing to the average male adult in the feel of + a sharp razor being guided over a bristly jowl by a deft and skillful + hand, to the accompaniment of a gentle grating sound and followed by a + sensation of transient silken smoothness. Nor do I refer to the barber's + habit of conversation. After all, a barber is human—he has to talk + to somebody, and it might as well be you. If he didn't have you to talk to + he'd have to talk to another barber, and that would be no treat to him. + </p> + <p> + What I do refer to is that which precedes a shave and more especially that + which follows after it. You rush in for a shave. In ten minutes you have + an engagement to be married or something else important, and you want a + shave and you want it quick. Does the barber take cognizance of the + emergency? He does not. Such would be contrary to the ethics of his + calling. Knowing from your own lips that you want a shave and that's + positively all, he nevertheless is instantly filled with a burning desire + to equip you with a large number of other things. In this regard the + barbering profession has much in common with the haberdashering or + gents'-furnishing profession as practiced in our larger cities. You invade + a haberdashering establishment for the purpose, let us say, of investing + in a plain and simple pair of half hose, price twenty-five cents. That + emphatically is all that you do desire. You so state in plain, simple + language, using the shorter and uglier word socks. + </p> + <p> + Does the youth in the pale mauve shirt with the marquise ring on the + little finger of the left hand rest content with this? Need I answer this + question? In succession he tries to sell you a fancy waistcoat with large + pearl buttons, a broken lot of silk pajamas, a bath-robe, some shrimp-pink + underwear—he wears this kind himself he tells you in strict + confidence—a pair of plush suspenders and a knitted necktie that you + wouldn't be caught wearing at twelve o'clock at night at the bottom of a + coal mine during a total eclipse of the moon. If you resist his + blandishments and so far forget that you are a gentleman as to use harsh + language, and if you insist on a pair of socks and nothing else, he'll let + you have them, but he will never feel the same toward you as he did. + </p> + <p> + 'Tis much the same with a barber. You need a shave in a hurry and he is + willing that you should have a shave, he being there for that purpose, but + first and last he can think of upward of thirty or forty other things that + you ought to have, including a shampoo, a hair cut, a hair singe, a hair + tonic, a hair oil, a manicure, a facial massage, a scalp massage, a + Turkish bath, his opinion on the merits of the newest White Hope, a + shoeshine, some kind of a skin food, and a series of comparisons of the + weather we are having this time this month with the weather we were having + this time last month. Not all of us are gifted with the power of repartee + by which my friend Frisbee turned the edge of the barber's desires. + </p> + <p> + "Your hair," said the barber, fondling a truant lock, "is long." + </p> + <p> + "I know it is," said Frisbee. "I like it long. It's so Roycrofty." + </p> + <p> + "It is very long," said the barber with a wistful expression. + </p> + <p> + "I like it very long," said Frisbee. "I like to have people come up to me + on the street and call me Mr. Sutherland and ask me how I left my sisters? + I like to be mistaken for a Russian pianist. I like for strangers to stop + me and ask me how's everything up at East Aurora. In short, I like it + long." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, sir," said the barber, "quite so, sir; but it's very long, + particularly here in the back—it covers your coat collar." + </p> + <p> + "Indeed?" said Frisbee. "You say it covers my coat collar?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, sir," said the barber. "You can't see the coat collar at all." + </p> + <p> + "Have you got a good sharp pair of shears there?" said Frisbee. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, yes, sir," said the barber. + </p> + <p> + "All right then," said Frisbee; "cut the collar off." + </p> + <p> + But not all of us, as I said before, have this ready gift of parry and + thrust that distinguishes my friend Frisbee. Mostly we weakly surrender. + Or if we refuse to surrender, demanding just a shave by itself and nothing + else, what then follows? In my own case, speaking personally, I know + exactly what follows. I do not like to have any powder dabbed on my face + when I am through shaving. I believe in letting the bloom of youth show + through your skin, providing you have any bloom of youth to do so. I + always take pains to state my views in this regard at least twice during + the operation of being shaved—once at the start when the barber has + me all lathered up, with soapsuds dripping from the flanges of my + shell-like ears and running down my neck, and once again toward the close + of the operation, when he has laid aside his razor and is sousing my + defenseless features in a liquid that smells and tastes a good deal like + those scented pink blotters they used to give away at drug-stores to + advertise somebody's cologne. + </p> + <p> + Does the barber respect my wishes in this regard? Certainly not. He + insists on powdering me, either before my eyes or surreptitiously and in a + clandestine manner. If he didn't powder me up he would lose his sense of + self-respect, and probably the union would take his card away from him. I + think there is something in the constitution and by-laws requiring that I + be powdered up. I have fought the good fight for years, but I'm always + powdered. Sometimes the crafty foe dissembles. He pretends that he is not + going to powder me up. But all of a sudden when my back is turned, as it + were, he grabs up his powder swab and makes a quick swoop upon me and the + hellish deed is done. I should be pleased to hear from other victims of + this practice suggesting any practical relief short of homicide. I do not + wish to kill a barber—there are several other orders in ahead, + referring to the persons I intend to kill off first—but I may be + driven to it. + </p> + <p> + After he has gashed me casually hither and yen, and sluiced down my + helpless countenance with the carefree abandon of a livery-stable hand + washing off a buggy, and after, as above stated, he has covered up the + traces of his crime with powder, the barber next takes a towel and folds + it over his right hand, as prescribed in the rules and regulations, and + then he dabs me with that towel on various parts of my face nine hundred + and seventy-four—974—separate and distinct times. I know the + exact number of dabs because I have taken the trouble to keep count. I may + be in as great a hurry as you can imagine; I may be but a poor nervous + wreck already, as I am; I may be quivering to be up and away from there, + but he dabs me with his towel—he dabs me until reason totters on her + throne—sometimes just a tiny tot, as the saying goes, or it may be + that the whole cerebral structure is involved—and then when he is + apparently all through the Demoniac Dabber comes back and dabs me one more + fiendish, deliberate and premeditated dab, making nine hundred and + seventy-five dabs in all. He has to do it; it's in the ritual that I and + you and everybody must have that last dab. I wonder how many gibbering + idiots there are in the asylum today whose reason was overthrown by being + dabbed that last farewell dab. I know from my own experience that I can + feel the little dark-green gibbers sloshing round inside of me every time + it happens, and some day my mind will give away altogether and there'll be + a hurry call sent in for the wagon with the lock on the back door. Yet it + is of no avail to cavil or protest; we cannot hope to escape; we can only + sit there in mute and helpless misery and be filled with a great envy for + Mexican hairless dogs. + </p> + <p> + For quite a spell now we have been speaking of hair on the face; at this + point we revert to hair in its relation to the head. There are some few + among us, mainly professional Southerners and leading men, who retain the + bulk of the hair on their heads through life; but with most of us the + circumstances are different. Your hair goes from you. You don't seem to + notice it at first; then all of a sudden you wake up to the realization + that your head is working its way up through the hair. You start in then + desperately doing things for your hair in the hope of inducing it to stick + round the old place a while longer, but it has heard the call of the wild + and it is on its way. There's no detaining it. You soak your skull in + lotions until your brain softens and your hat-band gets moldy from the + damp, but your hair keeps right on going. + </p> + <p> + After a while it is practically gone. If only about two-thirds of it is + gone your head looks like a great auk's egg in a snug nest; but if most of + it goes there is something about you that suggests the Glacial Period, + with an icy barren peak rising high above the vegetation line, where a + thin line of heroic strands still cling to the slopes. You are bald then, + a subject fit for the japes of the wicked and universally coupled in the + betting with onions, with hard-boiled eggs and with the front row of + orchestra chairs at a musical show. + </p> + <p> + At this time of writing baldness is creeping insidiously up each side of + my head. It is executing flank movements from the temples northward, and + some day the two columns will meet and after that I'll be considerably + more of a highbrow than I am now. At present I am craftily combing the + remaining thatch in the middle and smoothing it out nice and flat, so as + to keep those bare spots covered—thinly perhaps, but nevertheless + covered. It is my earnest desire to continue to keep them covered. I am + not a professional beauty; I am not even what you would call a good + amateur beauty; and I want to make what little hair I have go as far as it + conveniently can. But does the barber to whom I repair at frequent + intervals coincide with my desires in this respect? Again I reply he does + not. Every time I go in I speak to him about it. I say to him: "Woodman, + spare that hair, touch not a single strand; in youth it sheltered me and + I'll protect it now." Or in substance that. + </p> + <p> + He says yes, he will, but he doesn't mean it. He waits until he can catch + me with my guard down. Then he seizes a comb, and using the edge of his + left hand as a bevel and operating his right with a sort of free-arm + Spencerian movement, he roaches my hair up in a scallop effect on either + side, and upon reaching the crest he fights with it and wrestles with it + until he makes it stand erect in a feather-edged design. I can tell by his + expression that he is pleased with this arrangement. He loves to send his + victims forth into the world tufted like the fretful cockatoo. He likes to + see surging waves of hair dash high on a stern and rockbound head. His + sense of the artistic demands such a result. + </p> + <p> + What cares he how I feel about it so long as the higher cravings of his + own nature are satisfied? But I resent it—I resent it bitterly. I + object to having my head look like a real-estate development with an + opening for a new street going up each side and an ornamental design in + fancy landscape gardening across the top. If I permit this I won't be able + to keep on saying that I was twenty-seven on my last birthday, with some + hope of getting away with it. So I insist that he put my front hair right + back where he found it. He does so, under protest and begrudgingly, it is + true, but he does it. And then, watching his opportunity, he runs in on me + and overpowers me and roaches it up some more. + </p> + <p> + If I weaken and submit he is happy as the day is long. If he gets it + roached up on both sides that will make me look like a horizontal-bar + performer, which is his idea of manly beauty. Or if he gets it roached up + on one side only there is still some consolation in it for him I'm liable + to be mistaken anywhere for a trained-animal performer. But once in a very + great while he doesn't get it roached up on either side, but has to stand + there and suffer as he sees me walk forth into the world with my hair + combed to suit me and not him. I can tell by his look that he is grieved + and downcast, and that he will probably go home and be cross to the + children. He has but one solace—he hopes to have better luck with me + next time. And probably he will. + </p> + <p> + The last age of hair is a wig. But wigs are not so very satisfactory + either. I've seen all the known varieties of wigs, and I never saw one yet + that looked as though it were even on speaking terms with the head that + was under it. A wig always looks as though it were a total stranger to the + head and had just lit there a minute to rest, preparatory to flying along + to the next head. Nevertheless, I think on the whole I'll be happier when + my time comes to wear one, because then no barber can roach me up. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HANDS AND FEET + </h2> + <p> + Nearly every boy has a period in his life when he is filled with an + envious admiration for the East India god with the extra set of arms—Vishnu, + I think this party's name is. To a small boy it seems a grand thing to + have a really adequate assortment of hands. He considers the advantage of + such an arrangement in school—two hands in plain view above the desk + holding McGuffy's Fourth Reader at the proper angle for study and the + other two out of sight, down underneath the desk engaged in manufacturing + paper wads or playing crack-a-loo or some other really worth while + employment. + </p> + <p> + Or for robbing birds' nests. There would be two hands for use in skinning + up the tree, and one hand for scaring off the mother bird and one hand for + stealing the eggs. And for hanging on behind wagons the combination + positively could not be beaten. Then there would be the gaudy + conspicuousness of going around with four arms weaving in and out in a + kind of spidery effect while less favored boys were forced to content + themselves with just an ordinary and insufficient pair. Really, there was + only one drawback to the contemplation of this scheme—there'd be + twice as many hands to wash when company was coming to dinner. + </p> + <p> + Generally speaking a boy's hands give him no serious concern during the + first few years of his life except at such times as his mother grows + officious and fussy and insists that they ought to be washed up as far as + the regular place for washing a boy's hands, to wit, about midway between + the knuckles and the wrist. The fact that one finger is usually in a state + of mashedness is no drawback, but a benefit. The presence of a soiled rag + around a finger gives to a boy's hand a touch of distinctiveness—singles + it out from ordinary unmaimed hands. Its presence has been known to excuse + its happy possessor from such chores as bringing in wood for the kitchen + stove or pulling dock weeds out of the grass in a front yard where it + would be much easier and quicker to pull the grass out of the dock weeds. + It may even be made a source of profit by removing the wrappings and + charging two china marbles a look. I seem to recall that in the case of a + specially attractive injury, such as a thumb nail knocked off or a deep + cut which has refused to heal by first intention or an imbedded splinter + in process of being drawn out by a scrap of fat meat, that as much as four + china marbles could be charged. + </p> + <p> + On the Fourth of July you occasionally burned your hands and in cold + winters they chapped extensively across the knuckles but these were but + the marks and scars of honorable endeavor and a hardy endurance. In our + set the boy whose knuckles had the deepest cracks in them was a prominent + and admired figure, crowned, as you might say, with an imaginary chaplet + by reason of his chaps. + </p> + <p> + With girls, of course, it was different. + </p> + <p> + Girls were superfluous and unnecessary creatures with a false and inflated + idea of the value of soap and water. Their hands weren't good for much + anyway. Later on we discovered that a girl's hands were excellent for + holding purposes in a hammock or while coming back from a straw ride, but + I am speaking now of the earlier stages of our development, before the + presence of the ostensibly weaker sex began to awaken responsive throbs in + our several bosoms—in short when girls were merely nuisances and + things to be ignored whenever possible. In that early stage of his + existence hands have no altruistic or sentimental or ornamental value for + a boy—they are for useful purposes altogether and are regarded as + such. + </p> + <p> + It is only when he has reached the age of tail coats and spike-fence + collars that he discovers two hands are frequently too many and often not + enough. They are too many at your first church wedding when wearing your + first pair of white kids and they are not enough at a five o'clock tea. + There is a type of male who can go to a five o'clock tea and not fall over + a lot of Louie Kahn's furniture or get himself hopelessly tangled up in a + hanging drapery and who can seem perfectly at ease while holding in his + hands a walking stick, a pair of dove colored gloves, a two-quart hat, a + cup of tea with a slice of lemon peel in it, a tea spoon, a lump of sugar, + a seed cookie, an olive, and the hand of a lady with whom he is discussing + the true meaning of the message of the late Ibsen but these gifted mortals + are not common. They are rare and exotic. There are also some few who can + do ushing at a church wedding with a pair of white kids on and not appear + overly self-conscious. These are also the exceptions. The great majority + of us suffer visibly under such circumstances. You have the feeling that + each hand weighs fully twenty-four pounds and that it is hanging out of + the sleeve for a distance of about one and three-quarters yards and you + don't know what to do with your hands and on the whole would feel much + more comfortable and decorative if they were both sawed off at the wrists + and hidden some place where you couldn't find 'em. You have that feeling + and you look it. You look as though you were working in a plaster of paris + factory and were carrying home a couple of large sacks of samples. It + would be grand to be a Vishnu at a five o'clock tea, but awful to be one + at a church wedding. + </p> + <p> + About the time you find yourself embarking on a career of teas and + weddings you also begin to find yourself worrying about the appearance of + your hands. Up until now the hands have given you no great concern one way + or the other, but some day you wake to the realization that you need to be + manicured. Once you catch that disease there is no hope for you. There are + ways of curing you of almost any habit except manicuring. You get so that + you aren't satisfied unless your nails run down about a quarter of an inch + further than nails were originally intended to run, and unless they + glitter freely you feel strangely distraught in company. Inasmuch as no + male creature's finger nails will glitter with the desired degree of + brilliancy for more than twenty-four short and fleeting hours after a + treatment you find yourself constantly in the act of either just getting a + manicure or just getting over one. It is an expensive habit, too; it takes + time and it takes money. There's the fixed charge for manicuring in the + first place and then there's the tip. Once there was a manicure lady who + wouldn't take a tip, but she is now no more. Her indignant sisters stabbed + her to death with hat pins and nail-files. Manicuring as a public + profession is a comparatively recent development of our civilization. The + fathers of the republic and the founders of the constitution, which was + founded first and has been foundering ever since if you can believe what a + lot of people in Congress say—they knew nothing of manicuring. + Speaking by and large, they only got their thumbs wet when doing one of + three things—taking a bath, going in swimming or turning a page in a + book. Washington probably was never manicured nor Jefferson nor Franklin; + it's a cinch that Daniel Boone and Israel Putnam and George Rogers Clark + weren't and yet it is generally conceded that they got along fairly well + without it. But as the campaign orators are forever pointing out from the + hustlers and the forum, this is an age calling for change and advancement. + And manicuring is one of the advancements that likewise calls for the + change—for fifty cents in change anyhow and more if you are inclined + to be generous with the tip. + </p> + <p> + Shall you ever forget your first manicure? The shan'ts are unanimously in + the majority. It seems an easy thing to walk into a manicure parlor or a + barber shop and shove your hands across a little table to a strange young + woman and tell her to go ahead and shine 'em up a bit—the way you + hear old veteran manicurees saying it. It seems easy, I say, and looks + easy; but it isn't as easy as it seems. Until you get hardened, it + requires courage of a very high order. You, the abashed novice, see other + men sitting in the front window of the manicure shop just as debonair and + cozy as though they'd been born and raised there, swapping the ready + repartee of the day with dashing creatures of a frequently blonde aspect, + and you imagine they have always done so. You little know that these + persons who are now appearing so much at home and who can snap out those + bright, witty things like "I gotcher Steve," and "Well, see who's here?" + without a moment's hesitation and without having to stop and think for the + right word or the right phrase but have it right there on the tip of the + tongue—you little reck that they too passed through the same + initiation which you now contemplate. Yet such is the case. + </p> + <p> + You have dress rehearsals—private ones—in your room. In the + seclusion of your bed chamber you picture yourself opening the door of the + marble manicure hall and stepping in with a brisk yet graceful tread—like + James K. Hackett making an entrance in the first act—and glancing + about you casually—like John Drew counting up the house—and + saying "Hello girlies, how're all the little Heart's Delights this + afternoon?" just like that, and picking out the most sumptuous and + attractive of the flattered young ladies in waiting; and sinking easily + into the chair opposite her—see photos of William Faversham and + throwing the coat lapels back, at the same time resting the left hand + clenched upon the upper thigh with the elbow well out—Donald Brian + asking a lady to waltz—and offering the right hand to the favored + female and telling her to go as far as she likes with it. It sounds simple + when you figuring it out alone, but it rarely works out that way in + practice. It is my belief that every woman longs for the novelty of a + Turkish bath and every man for the novelty of a manicure long before + either dares to tackle it. I may be wrong but this is my belief. And in + the case of the man he usually makes a number of false starts. + </p> + <p> + You go to the portals and hesitate and then, stumbling across the + threshold, you either dive on through to the barber shop—if there is + a barber shop in connection—or else you mumble something about being + in a hurry and coming back again, and retreat with all the grace and ease + that would be shown by a hard shell crab that was trying to back into the + mouth of a milk-bottle. You are likely to do this several times; but + finally some day you stick. You slump down into one of those little chairs + and offer your hands or one of them to a calm and slightly arrogant + looking young lady and you tell her to please shine them up a little. You + endeavor to appear as though you had been doing this at frequent periods + stretching through a great number of years, but she—bless her little + heart!—she knows better than that. The female of the manicuring + species is not to be deceived by any such cheap and transparent artifices. + If you wore a peekaboo waist she couldn't see through you any easier. Your + hands would give you away if your face didn't. In a sibulent aside, she + addresses the young lady at the next table—the one with the nine + bracelets and the hair done up delicatessen store mode—sausages, + rolls and buns—whereupon both of them laugh in a significant, + silvery way, and you feel the back of your neck setting your collar on + fire. You can smell the bone button back there scorching and you're glad + it's not celluloid, celluloid being more inflammable and subject to + combustion when subjected to intense heat. + </p> + <p> + When both have laughed their merry fill, the young woman who has you in + charge looks you right in the eye and says: + </p> + <p> + "Dearie me; you'll pardon me saying so, but your nails are in a perfectly + turrible state. I don't think I've seen a jumpman's nails in such a state + for ever so long. Pardon me again—but how long has it been since you + had them did?" + </p> + <p> + To which you reply in what is meant to be a jaunty and off-hand tone: + </p> + <p> + "Oh quite some little while. I've—I've been out of town." + </p> + <p> + "That's what I thought," she says with a slight shrug. It isn't so much + what she says—it's the way she says it, the tone and all that, which + makes you feel smaller and smaller until you could crawl into your own + watch pocket and live happily there ever after. There'd be slews of room + and when you wanted the air of an evening you could climb up in a + buttonhole of your vest and be quite cosy and comfortable. But shrink as + you may, there is now no hope of escape, for she has reached out and + grabbed you firmly by the wrist. She has you fast. You have a feeling that + eight or nine thousand people have assembled behind you and are all gazing + fixedly into the small of your back. The only things about you that + haven't shrivelled up are your hands. You can feel them growing larger and + larger and redder and redder and more prominent and conspicuous every + instant. + </p> + <p> + The lady begins operations. You are astonished to note how many tools and + implements it takes to manicure a pair of hands properly. The top of her + little table is full of them and she pulls open a drawer and shows you + some more, ranged in rows. There are files and steel biters and + pigeon-toed scissors and scrapers and polishers and things; and wads of + cotton with which to staunch the blood of the wounded, and bottles of + liquid and little medicinal looking jars full of red paste; and a cut + glass crock with soap suds in it and a whole lot of little orange wood + stobbers. + </p> + <p> + In the interest of truth I have taken the pains to enquire and I have + ascertained that these stobbers are invariably of orange wood. Say what + you will, the orange tree is a hardy growth. Every February you read in + the papers that the Florida orange crop, for the third consecutive time + since Christmas has been entirely and totally destroyed by frost and yet + there is always an adequate supply on hand of the principal products of + the orange-phosphate for the soda fountains, blossoms for the bride, + political sentiment for the North of Ireland and little sharp stobbers for + the manicure lady. Speaking as an outsider I would say that there ought to + be other varieties of wood that would serve as well and bring about the + desired results as readily—a good thorny variety of poison ivy ought + to fill the bill, I should think. But it seems that orange wood is + absolutely essential. A manicure lady could no more do a manicure properly + without using an orange wood stobber at certain periods than a cartoonist + could draw a picture of a man in jail without putting a ball and chain on + him or a summer resort could get along without a Lover's Leap within easy + walking distance of the hotel. It simply isn't done, that's all. + </p> + <p> + Well, as I was saying, she gets out her tool kit and goes to work on you. + You didn't dream that there were so many things—mainly of a painful + nature—that could be done to a single finger nail and you flinch as + you suddenly remember that you have ten of them in all, counting thumbs in + with fingers. She takes a finger nail in hand and she files it and she + trims it and she softens it with hot water and hardens it with chemicals + and parboils it a little while and then she cuts off the hang nails—if + there aren't any hang nails there already she'll make a few—and she + shears away enough extra cuticle to cover quite a good-sized little boy. + She goes over you with a bristle brush, and warms up your nerve ends until + you tingle clear back to your dorsal fin and then she takes one of those + orange wood stobbers previously referred to, and goes on an exploring + expedition down under the nail, looking for the quick. She always finds + it. There is no record of a failure to find the quick. Having found it she + proceeds to wake it up and teach it some parlor tricks. I may not have set + forth all these various details in the exact order in which they take + place, but I know she does them all. And somewhere along about the time + when she is half way through with the first hand she makes you put the + other hand in the suds. + </p> + <p> + Later on when you have had more practice at this thing you learn to wait + for the signal before plunging the second hand into the suds, but being + green on this occasion, you are apt to mistake the moving of the crock of + suds over from the right hand side to the left hand side as a notice and + to poke your untouched hand right in without further orders, hoping to get + it softened up well so as to save her trouble in trimming it down to a + size which will suit her. But this is wrong—this is very wrong, as + she tells you promptly, with a pitying smile for your ignorance. Manicure + girls are as careful about boiling a hand as some particular people are + about bailing their eggs for breakfast of a morning. A two minute hand is + no pleasure to her absolutely if she has diagnosed your hand as one + calling for six minutes, or vice versa. So, should you err in this regard + she will snatch the offending hand out and wipe it off and give it back to + you and tell you to keep it in a dry place until she calls for it. + Manicure girls are very funny that way. + </p> + <p> + Thus time passes on and on and by degrees you begin to feel more and more + at home. Your bashfulness is wearing off. The coherent power of speech has + returned to you and you have exchanged views with her on the relative + merits of the better known brands of chewing gum and which kind holds the + flavor longest, and you have swapped ideas on the issue of whether ladies + should or should not smoke cigarettes in public and she knows how much + your stick pin cost you and you know what her favorite flower is. You are + getting along fine, when all of a sudden she dabs your nails with a red + paste and then snatches up a kind of a polishing tool and ferociously rubs + your fingers until they catch on fire. Just when the conflagration + threatens to become general she stops using the polisher and proceeds to + cool down the ruins by gently burnishing your nails against the soft, pink + palm of her hand. You like this better than the other way. You could + ignite yourself by friction almost any time, if you got hold of the right + kind of a chamois skin rubber, but this is quite different and highly + soothing. You are beginning to really enjoy the sensation when she + roguishly pats the back of your hand—pitty pat—as a signal + that the operation is now over. You pay the check and tip the lady—tip + her fifty cents if you wish to be regarded as a lovely jumpman or only + twenty-five cents if you are satisfied with being a vurry nice fella—and + you secure your hat and step forth into the open with the feeling of one + who has taken a trip into a distant domain and on the whole has rather + enjoyed it. + </p> + <p> + You stand in the sunlight and waggle your fingers and you are struck with + the desirable glitter that flits from finger tip to finger tip like a + heleograph winking on a mountain top. It is indeed a pleasing spectacle. + You decide that hereafter you will always glitter so. It is cheaper than + wearing diamonds and much more refined, and so you take good care of your + fingers all that day and carefully refrain from dipping them in the brine + while engaged in the well known indoor sport of spearing for dill pickles + at the business men's lunch. + </p> + <p> + But the next morning when you wake up the desirable glitter is gone. You + only glimmer dully—your fingers do not sparkle and dazzle and + scintillate as they did. As Francois Villon, the French poet would + undoubtedly have said had manicures been known at the time he was writing + his poems, "Where are the manicures of yesterday?" instead of making it, + "Where are the snows of yesteryear?" there being no answer ready for + either question, except that the manicures of yesterday like the snows of + yesteryear are never there when you start looking for them. They have just + naturally got up and gone away, leaving no forwarding address. + </p> + <p> + You have now been launched upon your career as a manicuree. You never get + over it. You either get married and your wife does your nails for you, + thus saving you large sums of money, but failing to impart the high degree + of polish and the spice of romance noticed in connection with the same job + when done away from home, or you continue to patronize the regular + establishments and become known in time as Polished Percival, the Pet of + the Manicure Parlor. But in either event your hands which once were hands + and nothing more, have become a source of added trouble and expense to + you. + </p> + <p> + Speaking of hands naturally brings one to the subject of feet, which was + intended originally to be the theme for the last half of this chapter, but + unfortunately I find I have devoted so much space to your hands that there + is but little room left for your feet and so far as your feet are + concerned, we must content ourselves on this occasion with a few general + statements. + </p> + <p> + Feet, I take it, speaking both from experience and observation, are even + more trouble to us than hands are. There are still a good many of us left + who go through life without doing anything much for our hands but with our + feet it is different. They thrust themselves upon us so to speak, + demanding care and attention. This goes for all sizes and all ages of + feet. From the time you are a small boy and suffer from stone bruises in + the summer and chilblains in the winter, on through life you're beset with + corns and callouses and falling of the instep and all the other ills that + feet are heir to. + </p> + <p> + The rich limp with the gout, the moderately well to do content themselves + with an active ingrown nail or so, and the poor man goes out and drops an + iron casting on his toe. Nearly every male who lives to reach the voting + age has a period of mental weakness in his youth when he wears those + pointed shoes that turn up at the ends, like sleigh runners; and spends + the rest of his life regretting it. Feet are certainly ungrateful things. + I might say that they are proverbially ungrateful. You do for them and + they do you. You get one corn, hard or soft, cured up or removed bodily + and a whole crowd of its relatives come to take its place. I imagine that + Nature intended we should go barefooted and is now getting even with us + because we didn't. Our poor, painful feet go with us through all the years + and every step in life is marked by a pang of some sort. And right on up + to the end of our days, our feet are getting more infirm and more + troublesome and more crotchety and harder to bear with all the time. How + many are there right now who have one foot in the grave and the other at + the chiropodist's? Thousands, I reckon. + </p> + <p> + Napoleon said an army traveled on its stomach. I don't blame the army, far + from it; I've often wished I could travel that way myself, and I've no + doubt so has every other man who ever crowded a number nine and + three-quarters foot into a number eight patent-leather shoe, and then went + to call on friends residing in a steam-heated apartment. As what man has + not? Once the green-corn dance was an exclusive thing with the Sioux + Indians, but it may now be witnessed when one man steps on another man's + toes in a crowd. + </p> + <p> + We are accustomed to make fun of the humble worm of the dust but in one + respect the humble worm certainly has it on us. He goes through existence + without any hands and any feet to bother him. Indeed in this regard I can + think of but one creature in all creation who is worse off than we poor + humans are. That is the lowly ear wig. Think of being an ear wig, that + suffers from fallen arches himself and has a wife that suffers from cold + feet! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1222 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8b9b8ee --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #1222 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1222) diff --git a/old/1222-h.zip b/old/1222-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9db065 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1222-h.zip diff --git a/old/1222-h/1222-h.htm b/old/1222-h/1222-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..98377a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1222-h/1222-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2181 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Cobb's Anatomy, by Irvin S. Cobb + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Cobb's Anatomy, by Irvin S. Cobb + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Cobb's Anatomy + +Author: Irvin S. Cobb + +Release Date: August 15, 2008 [EBook #1222] +Last Updated: January 9, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COBB'S ANATOMY *** + + + + +Produced by Kirk Pearson, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + COBB'S ANATOMY + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Irvin S. Cobb + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h4> + To G. H. L.<br /><br /> Who stood godfather to these contents + </h4> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Preface + </h2> + <h5> + This Space To-Let to Any Reputable Party Desiring a Good Preface + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PREF"> Preface </a> + </p> + <br /> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> TUMMIES </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> TEETH </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> HAIR </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> HANDS AND FEET </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + TUMMIES + </h2> + <p> + Dr. Woods Hutchinson says that fat people are happier than other people. + How does Dr. Woods Hutchinson know? Did he ever have to leave the two top + buttons of his vest unfastened on account of his extra chins? Has the + pressure from within against the waistband where the watchfob is located + ever been so great in his case that he had partially to undress himself to + find out what time it was? Does he have to take the tailor's word for it + that his trousers need pressing? + </p> + <p> + He does not. And that sort of a remark is only what might be expected from + any person upward of seven feet tall and weighing about ninety-eight + pounds with his heavy underwear on. I shall freely take Dr. Woods + Hutchinson's statements on the joys and ills of the thin. But when he + undertakes to tell me that fat people are happier than thin people, it is + only hearsay evidence with him and decline to accept his statements + unchallenged. He is going outside of his class. He is, as you might say, + no more than an innocent bystander. Whereas I am a qualified authority. + </p> + <p> + I will admit that at one stage of my life, I regarded fleshiness as a + desirable asset. The incident came about in this way. There was a circus + showing in our town and a number of us proposed to attend it. It was one + of those one-ring, ten-cent circuses that used to go about over the + country, and it is my present recollection that all of us had funds laid + by sufficient to buy tickets; but if we could procure admission in the + regular way we felt it would be a sinful waste of money to pay our way in. + </p> + <p> + With this idea in mind we went scouting round back of the main tent to a + comparatively secluded spot, and there we found a place where the canvas + side-wall lifted clear of the earth for a matter of four or five inches. + We held an informal caucus to decide who should should go first. The honor + lay between two of us—between the present writer, who was reasonably + skinny, and another boy, named Thompson, who was even skinnier. He won, as + the saying is, on form. It was decided by practically a unanimous vote, he + alone dissenting, that he should crawl under and see how the land lay + inside. If everything was all right he would make it known by certain + signals and we would then follow, one by one. + </p> + <p> + Two of us lifted the canvas very gently and this Thompson boy started to + wriggle under. He was about halfway in when—zip!—like a flash + he bodily vanished. He was gone, leaving only the marks where his toes had + gouged the soil. Startled, we looked at one another. There was something + peculiar about this. Here was a boy who had started into a circus tent in + a circumspect, indeed, a highly cautious manner, and then finished the + trip with undue and sudden precipitancy. It was more than peculiar—it + bordered upon the uncanny. It was sinister. Without a word having been + spoken we decided to go away from there. + </p> + <p> + Wearing expressions of intense unconcern and sterling innocence upon our + young faces we did go away from there and drifted back in the general + direction of the main entrance. We arrived just in time to meet our young + friend coming out. He came hurriedly, using his hands and his feet both, + his feet for traveling and his hands for rubbing purposes. Immediately + behind him was a large, coarse man using language that stamped him as a + man who had outgrown the spirit of youth and was preeminently out of touch + with the ideals and aims of boyhood. + </p> + <p> + At that period it seemed to me and to the Thompson boy, who was moved to + speak feelingly on the subject, and in fact to all of us, that excessive + slimness might have its drawbacks. Since that time several of us have had + occasion to change our minds. With the passage of years we have fleshened + up, and now we know better. The last time I saw the Thompson boy he was + known as Excess-Baggage Thompson. His figure in profile suggested a man + carrying a roll-top desk in his arms and his face looked like a face that + had refused to jell and was about to run down on his clothes. He spoke + longingly of the days of his youth and wondered if the shape of his knees + had changed much since the last time he saw them. + </p> + <p> + Yes sir, no matter what Doctor Hutchinson says, I contend that the slim + man has all the best of it in this world. The fat man is the universal + goat; he is humanity's standing joke. Stomachs are the curse of our modern + civilization. When a man gets a stomach his troubles begin. If you doubt + this ask any fat man—I started to say ask any fat woman, too. Only + there aren't any fat women to speak of. There are women who are plump and + will admit it; there are even women who are inclined to be stout. But + outside of dime museums there are no fat women. But there are plenty of + fat men. Ask one of them. Ask any one of them. Ask me. + </p> + <p> + This thing of acquiring a tummy steals on one insidiously, like a thief in + the night. You notice that you are plumping out a trifle and for the time + being you feel a sort of small personal satisfaction in it. Your shirts + fit you better. You love the slight strain upon the buttonholes. You + admire the pleasant plunking sound suggestive of ripe watermelons when you + pat yourself. Then a day comes when the persuasive odor of mothballs fills + the autumnal air and everybody at the barber shop is having the back of + his neck shaved also, thus betokening awakened social activities, and when + evening is at hand you take the dress-suit, which fitted you so well, out + of the closet where it has been hanging and undertake to back yourself + into it. You are pained to learn that it is about three sizes too small. + At first you are inclined to blame the suit for shrinking, but second + thought convinces you that the fault lies elsewhere. It is you that have + swollen, not the suit that has shrunk. The buttons that should adorn the + front of the coat are now plainly visible from the rear. + </p> + <p> + You buy another dress-suit and next fall you have out-grown that one too. + You pant like a lizard when you run to catch a car. You cross your legs + and have to hold the crossed one on with both hands to keep your stomach + from shoving it off in space. After a while you quit crossing them and are + content with dawdling yourself on your own lap. You are fat! Dog-gone it—you + are fat! + </p> + <p> + You are up against it and it is up against you, which is worse. You are + something for people to laugh at. You are also expected to laugh. It is + all right for a thin man to be grouchy; people will say the poor creature + has dyspepsia and should be humored along. But a fat man with a grouch is + inexcusable in any company—there is so much of him to be grouchy. He + constitutes a wave of discontent and a period of general depression. He is + not expected to be romantic and sentimental either. It is all right for a + giraffe to be sentimental, but not a hippopotamus. If you doubt me consult + any set of natural history pictures. The giraffe is shown with his long + and sinuous neck entwined in fond embrace about the neck of his mate; but + the amphibious, blood-sweating hippo is depicted as spouting and + wallowing, morose and misanthropic, in a mud puddle off by himself. In + passing I may say that I regard this comparison as a particularly apt one, + because I know of no living creature so truly amphibious in hot weather as + an open-pored fat man, unless it is a hippopotamus. + </p> + <p> + Oh how true is the saying that nobody loves a fat man! When fat comes up + on the front porch love jumps out of the third-story window. Love in a + cottage? Yes. Love in a rendering plant? No. A fat man's heart is supposed + to lie so far inland that the softer emotions cannot reach it at all. Yet + the fattest are the truest, if you did but know it, and also they are the + tenderest and a man with a double chin rarely leads a double life. For one + thing, it requires too much moving round. + </p> + <p> + A fat man cannot wear the clothes he would like to wear. As a race fat men + are fond of bright and cheerful colors; but no fat man can indulge his + innocent desires in this direction without grieving his family and friends + and exciting the derisive laughter of the unthinking. If he puts on a + fancy-flowered vest, they'll say he looks like a Hanging Garden of + Babylon. And yet he has a figure just made for showing off a + fancy-flowered vest to best effect. He may favor something in light checks + for his spring suit; but if he ventures abroad in a checked suit, ribald + strangers will look at him meaningly and remark to one another that the + center of population appears to be shifting again. It has been my + observation that fat men are instinctively drawn to short tan overcoats + for the early fall. But a fat man in a short tan overcoat, strolling up + the avenue of a sunny afternoon, will be constantly overhearing persons + behind him wondering why they didn't wait until night to move the bank + vault. That irks him sore; but if he turns round to reproach them he is + liable to shove an old lady or a poor blind man off the sidewalk, and + then, like as not, some gamin will sing out: "Hully gee, Chimmy, wot's + become of the rest of the parade? 'Ere's the bass drum goin' home all by + itself." + </p> + <p> + I've known of just such remarks being made and I assure you they cut a + sensitive soul to the core. Not for the fat man are the snappy clothes for + varsity men and the patterns called by the tailors confined because that + is what they should be but aren't. Not for him the silken shirt with the + broad stripes. Shirts with stripes that were meant to run vertically but + are caused to run horizontally, by reasons over which the wearer has no + control, remind others of the awning over an Italian grocery. So the fat + man must stick to sober navy blues and depressing blacks and melancholy + grays. He is advised that he should wear his evening clothes whenever + possible, because black and white lines are more becoming to him. But even + in evening clothes, that wide expanse of glazed shirt and those white + enamel studs will put the onlookers in mind of the front end of a dairy + lunch or so I have been cruelly told. + </p> + <p> + When planning public utilities, who thinks of a fat man? There never was a + hansom cab made that would hold a fat man comfortably unless he left the + doors open, and that makes him feel undressed. There never was an + orchestra seat in a theater that would contain all of him at the same time—he + churns up and sloshes out over the sides. Apartment houses and elevators + and hotel towels are all constructed upon the idea that the world is + populated by stock-size people with those double-A-last shapes. + </p> + <p> + Take a Pullman car, for instance. One of the saddest sights known is that + of a fat man trying to undress on one of those closet shelves called upper + berths without getting hopelessly entangled in the hammock or committing + suicide by hanging himself with his own suspenders. And after that, the + next most distressing sight is the same fat man after he has undressed and + is lying there, spouting like a sperm-whale and overflowing his + reservation like a crock of salt-rising dough in a warm kitchen, and + wondering how he can turn over without bulging the side of the car and + maybe causing a wreck. Ah me, those dark green curtains with the overcoat + buttons on them hide many a distressful spectacle from the traveling + public! + </p> + <p> + If a fat man undertakes to reduce nobody sympathizes with him. A thin man + trying to fatten up so he won't fall all the way through his trousers when + he draws 'em on in the morning is an object of sympathy and of admiration, + and people come from miles round and give him advice about how to do it. + But suppose a fat man wants to train down to a point where, when he goes + into a telephone booth and says "Ninety-four Broad," the spectators will + know he is trying to get a number and not telling his tailor what his + waist measure is. + </p> + <p> + Is he greeted with sympathetic understanding? He is not. He is greeted + with derision and people stand round and gloat at him. The authorities + recommend health exercises, but health exercises are almost invariably + undignified in effect and wearing besides. Who wants to greet the dewy + morn by lying flat on his back and lifting his feet fifty times? What kind + of a way is that to greet the dewy morn anyhow? And bending over with the + knees stiff and touching the tips of the toes with the tips of the fingers—that's + no employment for a grown man with a family to support and a position to + maintain in society. Besides which it cannot be done. I make the statement + unequivocally and without fear of successful contradiction that it cannot + be done. And if it could be done—which as I say it can't—there + would be no real pleasure in touching a set of toes that one has known of + only by common rumor for years. Those toes are the same as strangers to + you—you knew they were in the neighborhood, of course, but you + haven't been intimate with them. + </p> + <p> + Maybe you try dieting, which is contrary to nature. Nature intended that a + fat man should eat heartily, else why should she endow him with the + capacity and the accommodations. Starving in the midst of plenty is not + for him who has plenty of midst. Nature meant that a fat man should have + an appetite and that he should gratify it at regular intervals—meant + that he should feel like the Grand Canyon before dinner and like the Royal + Gorge afterward. Anyhow, dieting for a fat man consists in not eating + anything that's fit to eat. The specialist merely tells him to eat what a + horse would eat and has the nerve to charge him for what he could have + found out for himself at any livery stable. Of course he might bant in the + same way that a woman bants. You know how a woman bants. She begins the + day very resolutely, and if you are her husband you want to avoid + irritating her or upsetting her, because hell hath no fury like a woman + banting. For breakfast she takes a swallow of lukewarm water and half of a + soda cracker. For luncheon she takes the other half of the cracker and + leaves off the water. For dinner she orders everything on the menu except + the date and the name of the proprietor. She does this in order to give + her strength to go on with the treatment. + </p> + <p> + No fat man would diet that way; but no matter which way he does diet it + doesn't do him any good. Health exercises only make him muscle-sore and + bring on what the Harvard ball team call the Charles W. Horse; while + banting results in attacks of those kindred complaints—the Mollie K. + Grubbs and the Fan J. Todds. + </p> + <p> + Walking is sometimes recommended and the example of the camel is pointed + out, the camel being a creature that can walk for days and days. But, as + has been said by some thinking person, who in thunder wants to be a camel? + The subject of horseback riding is also brought up frequently in this + connection. It is one of the commonest delusions among fat men that + horseback riding will bring them down and make them sylphlike and willowy. + I have several fat men among my lists of acquaintances who labor under + this fallacy. None of them was ever a natural-born horseback rider; none + of them ever will be. I like to go out of a bright morning and take a + comfortable seat on a park bench—one park bench is plenty roomy + enough if nobody else is using it—and sit there and watch these + unhappy persons passing single file along the bridle-path. I sit there and + gloat until by rights I ought to be required to take out a gloater's + license. + </p> + <p> + Mind you, I have no prejudice against horseback riding as such. Horseback + riding is all right for mounted policemen and Colonel W. F. Cody and + members of the Stickney family and the party who used to play Mazeppa in + the sterling drama of that name. That is how those persons make their + living. They are suited for it and acclimated to it. It is also all right + for equestrian statues of generals in the Civil War. But it is not a fit + employment for a fat man and especially for a fat man who insists on + trying to ride a hard-trotting horse English style, which really isn't + riding at all when you come right down to cases, but an outdoor cure for + neurasthenia invented, I take it, by a British subject who was nervous + himself and hated to stay long in one place. So, as I was saying, I sit + there on my comfortable park bench and watch those friends of mine + bouncing by, each wearing on his face that set expression which is seen + also on the faces of some men while waltzing, and on the faces of most + women when entertaining their relatives by marriage. I have one friend who + is addicted to this form of punishment in a violent, not to say a + malignant form. He uses for his purpose a tall and self-willed horse of + the Tudor period—a horse with those high dormer effects and a + sloping mansard. This horse must have been raised, I think, in the + knockabout song-and-dance business. Every time he hears music or thinks he + hears it he stops and vamps with his feet. When he does this my friend + bends forward and clutches him round the neck tightly. I think he is + trying to whisper in the horse's ear and beg him in Heaven's name to + forbear; but what he looks like is Santa Claus with a clean shave, sitting + on the combing of a very steep house with his feet hanging over the eaves, + peeking down the chimney to see if the children are asleep yet. When that + horse dies he will still have finger marks on his throat and the + authorities will suspect foul play probably. + </p> + <p> + Once I tried it myself. I was induced to scale the heights of a horse that + was built somewhat along the general idea of the Andes Mountains, only + more rugged and steeper nearing the crest. From the ground he looked to be + not more than sixteen hands high, but as soon as I was up on top of him I + immediately discerned that it was not sixteen hands—it was sixteen + miles. What I had taken for the horse's blaze face was a snow-capped peak. + Miss Anna Peck might have felt at home up there, because she has had the + experience and is used to that sort of thing, but I am no mountain climber + myself. + </p> + <p> + Before I could make any move to descend to the lower and less rarefied + altitudes the horse began executing a few fancy steps, and he started + traveling sidewise with a kind of a slanting bias movement that was + extremely disconcerting, not to say alarming, instead of proceeding + straight ahead as a regular horse would. I clung there astraddle of his + ridge pole, with my fingers twined in his mane, trying to anticipate where + he would be next, in order to be there to meet him if possible; and I + resolved right then that, if Providence in His wisdom so willed it that I + should get down from up there alive, I would never do so again. However, I + did not express these longings in words—not at that time. At that + time there were only two words in the English language which seemed to + come to me. One of them was "Whoa" and the other was "Ouch," and I spoke + them alternately with such rapidity that they merged into the compound + word "Whouch," which is a very expressive word and one that I would freely + recommend to others who may be situated as I was. + </p> + <p> + At that moment, of all the places in the world that I could think of—and + I could think of a great many because the events of my past life were + rapidly flashing past me—as is customary, I am told, in other cases + of grave peril, such as drowning—I say of all the places in the + world there were just two where I least desired to be—one was up on + top of that horse and the other was down under him. But it seemed to be a + choice of the two evils, and so I chose the lesser and got under him. I + did this by a simple expedient that occurred to me at the moment. I fell + off. I was tramped on considerably, and the earth proved to be harder than + it looked when viewed from an approximate height of sixteen miles up, but + I lived and breathed—or at least I breathed after a time had elapsed—and + I was satisfied. And so, having gone through this experience myself, I am + in position to appreciate what any other man of my general build is going + through as I see him bobbing by—the poor martyr, sacrificing himself + as a burnt offering, or anyway a blistered one—on the high altar of + a Gothic ruin of a horse. And, besides, I know that riding a horse doesn't + reduce a fat man. It merely reduces the horse. + </p> + <p> + So it goes—the fat man is always up against it. His figure is + half-masted in regretful memory of the proportions he had once, and he is + made to mourn. Most sports and many gainful pursuits are closed against + him. He cannot play lawn tennis, or, at least according to my observation, + he cannot play lawn tennis oftener than once in two weeks. In between + games he limps round, stiff as a hat tree and sore as a mashed thumb. Time + was when he might mingle in the mystic mazes of the waltz, tripping the + light fantastic toe or stubbing it, as the case may be. But that was in + the days of the old-fashioned square dance, which was the fat man's friend + among dances, and also of the old-fashioned two-step, and not in these + times when dancing is a cross between a wrestling match, a contortion act + and a trip on a roller-coaster, and is either named for an animal, like + the Bunny Hug and the Tarantula Glide, or for a town, like the Mobile + Mop-Up, and the Far Rockaway Rock and the South Bend Bend. His friends + would interfere—or the authorities would. He can go in swimming, it + is true; but if he turns over and floats, people yell out that somebody + has set the life raft adrift; and if he basks at the water's edge, boats + will come in and try to dock alongside him; and if he takes a sun bath on + the beach and sunburns, there's so everlasting much of him to be sunburned + that he practically amounts to a conflagration. He can't shoot rapids, + craps or big game with any degree of comfort; nor play billiards. He can't + get close enough to the table to make the shots, and he puts all the + English on himself and none of it on the cue ball. + </p> + <p> + Consider the gainful pursuits. Think how many of them are denied to the + man who may have energy and ability but is shut out because there are a + few extra terraces on his front lawn. A fat man cannot be a leading man in + a play. Nobody desires a fat hero for a novel. A fat man cannot go in for + aeroplaning. He cannot be a wire-walker or a successful walker of any of + the other recognized brands—track, cake, sleep or floor. He doesn't + make a popular waiter. Nobody wants a fat waiter on a hot day. True, you + may make him bring your order under covered dishes, but even so, there is + still that suggestion of rain on a tin roof that is distasteful to so + many. + </p> + <p> + So I repeat that fat people are always getting the worst of it, and I say + again, of all the ills that flesh is heir to, the worst is the flesh + itself. As the poet says—"The world, the flesh and the devil"—and + there you have it in a sentence—the flesh in between, catching the + devil on one side and the jeers of the world on the other. I don't care + what Dr. Woods Hutchinson or any other thin man says! I contend that + history is studded with instances of prominent persons who lost out + because they got fat. Take Cleopatra now, the lady to whom Marc Antony + said: "I am dying, Egypt, dying," and then refrained from doing so for + about nineteen more stanzas. Cleo or Pat—she was known by both + names, I hear—did fairly well as a queen, as a coquette and as a + promoter of excursions on the river—until she fleshened up. Then she + flivvered. Doctor Johnson was a fat man and he suffered from prickly heat, + and from Boswell, and from the fact that he couldn't eat without spilling + most of the gravy on his second mezzanine landing. As a thin and spindly + stripling Napoleon altered the map of Europe and stood many nations on + their heads. It was after he had grown fat and pursy that he landed on St. + Helena and spent his last days on a barren rock, with his arms folded, + posing for steel engravings. Nero was fat, and he had a lot of hard luck + in keeping his relatives—they were almost constantly dying on him + and he finally had to stab himself with one of those painful-looking old + Roman two-handed swords, lest something really serious befall him. + Falstaff was fat, and he lost the favor of kings in the last act. Coming + down to our own day and turning to a point no farther away than the White + House at Washington—but have we not enough examples without becoming + personal? Yes, I know Julius Caesar said: "Let me have men about me that + are fat." But you bet it wasn't in the heated period when J. Caesar said + that! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TEETH + </h2> + <p> + One of the most pleasant features about being born, as I conceive it, is + that we are born without teeth. I believe there have been a few exceptions + to this rule—Richard the Third, according to the accounts, came into + the world equipped with all his teeth and a perfectly miserable + disposition; and once in a while, especially during Roosevelt years, when + the Colonel's picture is hanging on the walls of so many American homes, + we read in the paper that a baby has just been born somewhere with a full + set, and even, as in the case of the infant son of a former member of the + Rough Riders, with nose glasses and a close-cropped mustache. This, + however, may have been a pardonable exaggeration of the real facts. As I + recall now, it was reported in a dispatch to the New York Tribune from + Lover's Leap, Iowa, during the presidential campaign eight years ago. + </p> + <p> + In the main, though, we are born without teeth. We are born without a + number of things—clothes for example—although Anthony Comstock + is said to be pushing a law requiring all children to be born with + overalls on; but teeth is the subject which we are now discussing. This + absence of teeth tends to give the very young of our species the + appearance in the face of an old fashioned buckskin purse with the draw + string broken, but be that as it may, we are generally fairly well content + with life until the teeth begin to come. + </p> + <p> + First there are the milk teeth. Right there our troubles start. To use the + term commonly in use, we cut them, although as a matter of fact, they cut + us—cut them with the aid of some such mussy thing as a toothing ring + or the horny part of the nurse's thumb, or the reverse side of a spoon—cut + them at the cost of infinite suffering, not only for ourselves but for + everybody else in the vicinity. And about the time we get the last one in + we begin to lose the first one out. They go one at a time, by falling out, + or by being yanked out, or by coming out of their own accord when we eat + molasses taffy. They were merely what you might call our Entered + Apprentice teeth. We go in now for the full thirty-two degrees—one + degree for each tooth and thirty-two teeth to a set. By arduous and + painful processes, stretching over a period of years, we get our regular + teeth—the others were only volunteers—concluding with the + wisdom teeth, as so called, but it is a misnomer, because there never is + room for them and they have to stand up in the back row and they usually + arrive with holes in them, and if we really possessed any wisdom we would + figure out some way of abolishing them altogether. They come late and + crowd their way in and push the other teeth out of line and so we go about + for months with the top of our mouths filled with braces and wires and + things, so that when we breathe hard we sob and croon inside of ourselves + like an Aeolean harp. + </p> + <p> + But in any event we get them all and no sooner do we get them than we + begin to lose them. They develop cavities and aches and extra roots and we + spend a good part of our lives and most of our substance with the dentist. + Nevertheless, in spite of all we can do and all he can do, we keep on + losing them. And after awhile, they are all gone and our face folds up on + us like a crush hat or a concertina and from our brow to our chin we don't + look much more than a third as long as we used to look. We dislike this + folded-up appearance naturally—who wouldn't? And we get tired of + living on spoon victuals and the memory of past beef-steaks. So we go and + get some false ones made. They have to be made to order; there appears to + be no market for custom made teeth; you never see any hand-me-down teeth + advertised, guaranteed to fit any face and withstand a damp climate. + Getting them made to order is a long and unhappy process and I will pass + over it briefly. Having got them, we find that they do not fit us or that + we do not fit them, which comes to the same thing. The dentist makes them + fit by altering us some and the teeth some, and after some months they + quit feeling as though they didn't belong to us but had been borrowed + temporarily from somebody's loan collection of ceramics. + </p> + <p> + But just about the time they are becoming acclimated and we are getting + used to them, the interior of our mouth for private reasons best known to + itself changes around materially and we either have to go back and start + all over and go through the whole thing again, or else haply we die and + pass on to the bourne from which no traveller returneth either with his + teeth or without them. If Shakespeare had only thought of it—and he + did think of a number of things from time to time—he might have + divided his Seven Ages of Man much better by making them the Seven Ages of + Teeth as follows: First age—no tooth; second age—milk teeth; + third age—losing 'em; fourth age—getting more teeth; fifth age—losing + 'em; sixth age—getting false teeth and finding they aren't + satisfactory; seventh age—toothless again. + </p> + <p> + I knew a man once who was a gunsmith and lost all his teeth at a + comparatively early age. He went along that way for years. He had to + eschew the tenderloin for the reason that he couldn't chew it, and he had + to cut out hickory nut cake and corn on the ear and such things. But there + is nothing about the art of gunsmithing which seems to call for teeth, so + he got along very well, living in a little house with the wife of his + bosom and a faithful housedog named Ponto. But when he was past sixty he + went and got himself some teeth from the dentist. He did this without + saying anything about it at home; he was treasuring it up for a surprise. + The corner stone was laid in May and the scaffolding was all up by July + and in August the new teeth were dedicated with suitable ceremonies. + </p> + <p> + They altered his appearance materially. His nose and chin which had been + on terms of intimacy now rubbed each other a last fond good-bye and his + face lost that accordion-pleated look and straightened out and became + about six or seven inches longer from top to bottom. He now had a sort of + determined aspect like the iron jawed lady in a circus, whereas before his + face had the appearance of being folded over and wadded down inside of his + neck band, so his hat could rest comfortably on his collar. He knew he was + altered, but he didn't realize how much he was altered until he went home + that evening and walked proudly in the front gate. His wife who was timid + about strangers, slammed the door right in his face and faithful Ponto + came out from under the porch steps and bit him severely in the calf of + the leg. There was only one consolation in it for him—for the first + time in a long number of years he was in position to bite back. + </p> + <p> + And that's how it is with teeth—with your teeth let us say—for + right here I'm going to drop the personal pronoun and speak of them as + your teeth from now on. If anybody has to suffer it might as well be you + and not me; I expect to be busy telling about it. As I started to say + awhile ago, you—remember it's you from this point—you get your + regular teeth and they start right in giving you trouble. Every little + while one of them bursts from its cell with a horrible yell and in the + lulls between pangs you go forth among men with the haunted look in your + eye of one who is listening for the footfalls of a dread apparition, and + one half of your head is puffed out of plumb as though you were engaged in + the whimsical idea of holding an egg plant in the side of your jaw. A kind + friend meets you, and, speaking with that high courage and that lofty + spirit of sacrifice which a kind friend always exhibits when it's your + tooth that is kicking up the rumpus and not his, he tells you you ought to + have something done for it right away. You know that as well as he does, + but you hate to have the subject brought up. It's your toothache anyhow. + It originated with you. You are its proud parent but not so awfully proud + at that. Mother and child doing as well as could be expected, but not + expected to do very well. + </p> + <p> + But these friends of yours keep on shoving their free advice on you and + the tooth keeps on getting worse and worse until the pain spreads all + through the First Ward and finally you grab your resolution in both hands + to keep it from leaking out between your fingers and you go to the + dentist's. + </p> + <p> + This happens so many times that after awhile you lose count and so would + the dentist, if he didn't write your name down every time in his little + red book with pleasingly large amounts entered opposite to it. It seems to + you that you are always doing something for your teeth? You have them + pulled and pushed and shoved and filled and unfilled and refilled and + excavated and blasted and sculptured and scroll-sawed and a lot of other + things that you wouldn't think could be done legally without a building + permit. As time passes on, the inside of your once well-tilled and + commodious head becomes but little more than a recent site. Your vaults + have been blown and most of your contents abstracted by Amalgam Mike and + Dental Slim, the Demon Yeggmen of the Human Face. You are merely the + scattered clews left behind for the authorities to work on; you are the + faint traces of the fiendish crime. You are the point marked X. + </p> + <p> + But all along there is generally one tooth that has behaved herself like a + lady. Other teeth may have betrayed your confidence but Old Faithful has + hung on, attending to business, asking only for standing room and kind + treatment. The others you may view with alarm, but to this tooth you can + point with pride. But have a care—she is deceiving you. + </p> + <p> + Some night you go to bed and have a dream. In your dream it seems to you + that a fox terrier is chasing a woodchuck around and around the inside of + your head. In that tangled sort of fashion peculiar to dreams your + sympathy seems to go out first to the fox terrier and then to the + woodchuck as they circle about nimbly, leaping from your tonsils to your + larynx and then up over the rafters in the roof of your mouth and down + again and pattering over the sub-maxillary from side to side. But about + then you wake up with a violent start and decide that any sympathy you may + have in stock should be reserved for personal use exclusively, because at + this moment the dog trees the woodchuck at the base of that cherished + tooth of yours and starts to dig him out. He is a very determined dog and + very active, but he needs a manicure. You are struck by that fact almost + immediately. + </p> + <p> + Uttering some of those trite and commonplace remarks that are customary + for use under such circumstances and yet are so futile to express one's + real sentiments, you arise and undertake to pacify the infuriated creature + with household remedies. You try to lure him away with a wad of medicated + cotton stuck on the end of a parlor match. But arnica is evidently an + acquired taste with him. He doesn't seem to care for it any more than you + do. You begin to dress, using one hand to put your clothes on with and the + other to hold the top of your head on. At this important juncture, the dog + tears down the last remaining partitions and nails the woodchuck. The + woodchuck is game—say what you will about the habits and customs of + the woodchuck you have to hand it to him there—he's game as a lion. + He fights back desperately. Intense excitement reigns throughout the + vicinity. While the struggle wages you get your clothes on and wait for + daylight to come, which it does in from eight to ten weeks. Norway is not + the only place where the nights are six months long. + </p> + <p> + There is nobody waiting at the dentist's when you get there, it being + early. You are willing to wait. At a barber shop it may be different but + at a dentist's you are always willing to wait, like a gentleman. But the + sinewy young man who is sitting in the front parlor reading the Hammer + Thrower's Gazette, welcomes you with a false air of gaiety entirely out of + keeping with the circumstances and invites you to step right in. He tells + you that you are next. This is wrong—if you were next you would turn + and flee like a deer. Not being next, you enter. Right from the start you + seem to take a dislike to this young man. You catch him spitting in his + hands and hitching his sleeves up as you are hanging up your hat. Besides + he is too robust for a dentist. With those shoulders he ought to be a + boiler maker or a safe mover or something of that sort. You resolve + inwardly that next time you go to a dentist you are going to one of a more + lady-like bearing and gentler demeanor. It seems a brutal thing that a big + strong man should waste his years in a dental establishment when the world + is clamoring for strong men to do the heavy lifting jobs. But before you + can say anything, this muscular athlete has laid violent hands on your + palpitating form and wadded it abruptly into the hideous embraces of a red + plush chair, which looks something like the one they use up at Sing Sing, + only it's done more quickly up there and with less suffering on the part + of the condemned. On one side of you you behold quite a display of open + plumbing and on the other side a tasty exhibit of small steel tools of + assorted sizes. No matter which way your gaze may stray you'll be seeing + something attractive. + </p> + <p> + You also take notice of an electric motor about large enough, you would + say, to run a trolley car, which is purring nearby in a sinister and + forbidding way. They are constantly making these little improvements in + the dental profession. I have heard that fifty years ago a dentist + traveled about over the country from place to place, sometimes pulling a + tooth and sometimes breaking a colt. He practiced his art with an outfit + consisting of two pairs of iron forceps—one pair being saber-toothed + while the other pair was merely saw-fretted—and he gave a man the + same kind of treatment he gave a horse, only he tied the horse's legs + first. But now electricity is in general use and no dentist's + establishment is complete without a dynamo attachment which makes a + crooning sound when in operation and provides instrumental accompaniment + to the song of the official canary. + </p> + <p> + I know why a barber in a country town is always learning to play on the + guitar and I know why a man with an emotional Adam's apple always wears an + open front collar. I know these things, but am debarred from telling them + by reason of a solemn oath. But I have not yet been able to discover why + every dentist keeps a canary in his office. Nor do I know why it is, just + as you settle your neck back on a head rest that's every bit as + comfortable as an anvil, and just as a dentist climbs into you as far as + the arm pits and begins probing at the bottom of a tooth which has roots + extending back behind your ears, like an old-fashioned pair of spectacles, + that the canary bird should wipe his nose on a cuttle bone and dash into a + melodious outburst of two hundred thousand twitters, all of them being + twitters of the same size, shape, and color. For that matter, I don't even + know what kind of an animal a cuttle is, although I should say from the + shape of his bone as used by the canary instead of a pocket handkerchief, + that he is circular and flat and stands on edge only with the utmost + difficulty. If you will pardon my temporary digressions into the realm of + natural history, we will now return to the main subject, which was your + tooth. + </p> + <p> + The moment the muscular young man starts up his motor and gives the canary + its music cue and begins pawing over his tool collection to pick out a + good sharp one, you recover. All of a sudden you feel fine, and so does + the tooth. Neither one of you ever felt better. The fox terrier must have + killed the woodchuck and then committed suicide. You are about to mention + this double tragedy and beg the young man's pardon for causing him any + trouble and excuse yourself and go away, but just then he quits feeling of + his biceps and suddenly seizes you by your features and undoes them. If + you are where you can catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror you will + immediately note how much the human face divine can be made to look like + an old-fashioned red brick Colonial fire place. + </p> + <p> + There are likely to be several things you would like to talk about. You + are full of thoughts seeking utterance. For one thing you want to tell him + you don't think the brand of soap he uses on his hands is going to agree + with you at all. You probably don't care personally for the way your + barber's thumb tastes either, but a barber's thumb is Peaches Melba + alongside of a dentist's. Before you can say anything though he discovers + a cavity or orifice of some sort in the base of your tooth. It seems to + give him pleasure. Filled with intense gratification by this discovery and + fired moreover by the impetuous ardor of the chase, he grabs up a crochet + needle with a red hot stinger on the end of it and jabs it down your tooth + to a point about opposite where your suspenders fork in the back. + </p> + <p> + You have words with him then, or at least you start to have words with + him, but he puts his knee in your chest and tells you that it really + doesn't hurt at all, but is only your imagination, and utters other + soothing remarks of that general nature. He then exchanges the crochet + needle for a kind of an instrument with a burr on the end of it. This + instrument first came into use at the time of the Spanish Inquisition but + has since been greatly improved on and brought right up to date. He takes + this handy little utensil and proceeds to stir up your imagination some + more. You again try to say something, speaking in a muffled tone, but he + is not listening. He is calling to a brother assassin in the adjoining + room to come and see a magnificent example of a prime old-vatted triple X + exposed nerve. So the Second Grave Digger rests his tools against the + palate of his victim and comes in. + </p> + <p> + As nearly as you can gather from hearsay evidence, you not being an eye + witness yourself, one of them harpoons the nerve just back of the gills + with a nutpick—remember please it is your nerve that they are taking + all these liberties with—and pulls it out of its retreat and the + other man takes a tack hammer and tries to beat its brains out. Any time + he misses the nerve he hits you, so his average is still a thousand, and + it is fine practice for him. A pleasant time is had by everybody present + except you and the nerve. The nerve wraps its hind legs around your + breastbone and hangs on desperately. You perspire freely and make noises + like a drunken Zulu trying to sing a Swedish folk song while holding a + spoonful of hot mush in his mouth. + </p> + <p> + In time becoming wearied even of these congenial diversions and tiring of + the shop talk that has been going on, the second dentist returns to his + original prey and the party who has you in charge tries a new experiment. + He arms himself with a kind of an automatic hammering machine, somewhat + similar to the steam riveter used in constructing steel office buildings, + except that this one is more compact and can deliver about eighty-five + more blows to the second. Thus equipped, he descends far below your high + water mark and engages in aquatic sports and pastimes for a considerable + period of time. It seems to you that you never saw a man who could go down + and stay down as long as this young man can. You begin to feel that you + misjudged his real vocation in life when you decided that he ought to be a + boiler maker. You know that he was intended for pearl fishing. He's a + natural born deep sea diver. He doesn't even have to come up to breathe, + but stays below, knee deep in your tide wash, merrily knocking chunks off + your lowermost coral reefs with his little steam riveter and having a + perfectly lovely time. + </p> + <p> + You are overflowing copiously and you wish he would take the time to stop + and bail you out. You abhor the idea of being drowned as an inside job. + But no, he keeps right on and along about here it is customary for you to + swoon away. + </p> + <p> + On recovering, you observe that he has changed his mind again. He is now + going in for amateur theatricals and is using you for a theatre. First + thoughtfully draping a little rubber drop curtain across your proscenium + arch to keep you from seeing what is going on behind your own scenes, he + is setting the stage for the thrilling sawmill scene in Blue Jeans. You + can distinctly feel the circular saw at work and you can taste a hod of + mortar and a bucket of hot tar and one thing and another that have been + left in the wings. You also judge that the insulation is burning off of an + electric fixture somewhere up stage. + </p> + <p> + All this time the tooth is still offering resistance, and eventually the + dentist comes out in front once more and makes a little curtain speech to + you. He has just ascertained that what the tooth really needed was not + filling but pulling. He thought at first that it should be filled and that + is what he has been doing—filling it—but now he knows that + pulling is the indicated procedure. He does not understand how a tooth + that seemed so open could have deceived him. Nevertheless he will now pull + the tooth. + </p> + <p> + He pulls her. She does her level best but he pulls her. He harvests small + sections of the gum from time to time and occasionally he stops long + enough to loosen up the roots as far down as your floating ribs. But he + pulls her. He spares no pains to pull that tooth. Or if he spares any you + are not able subsequently to remember what they were. You utter various + loud sounds in a strange and incomprehensible language and he lays back + and braces his knees against your lower jaw, and the tooth utters the + death rattle and begins picking the cover-lid. And then he gives one final + heave and breaks the roots away from the lower part of your spinal column + to which they were adhering, and emerges into the open panting but + triumphant, and holds his trophy up for you to look at. If you didn't know + it was your tooth you would take it for an old-fashioned china cuspidor + that had been neglected by the janitor. + </p> + <p> + It was a tooth that you had been prizing for years, but now you wouldn't + have it as a gracious gift. You are through with that tooth forever. You + never want to see it again. + </p> + <p> + As for the dentist, he collects the fixed charge for stumpage and corkage + and one thing and another and you come away with a feeling in the side of + your jaw like a vacant lot. Your tongue keeps going over there to see if + it can recognize the old place by the hole where the foundations used to + be. You never realized before what a basement there was to a tooth. + </p> + <p> + As you come out you pass a fresh victim going in and you see the dentist + welcome him and then turn to crank up his motor and you hear the canary + tuning up with a new line of v-shaped twitters. And you are glad that he + is the one who is going in and that you are the one who is coming out. + </p> + <p> + Science tells us that the teeth are the hardest things in the human + composition, which is all very well as far as it goes, but what science + should do is to go on and finish the sentence. It means the hardest to + keep. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HAIR + </h2> + <p> + As I remarked in the preceding chapter of this work, one of the + pleasantest features about being born is that we are born without teeth + and other responsibilities. Teeth, like debts and installment payments, + come along later on. It is the same way with hair. + </p> + <p> + Born, we are, hairless or comparatively so. We are in a highly incomplete + state at that period of our lives. It takes a fond and doting parent to + detect evidences of an actual human aspect in us. Only the ears and the + mouth appear to be up to the plans and specifications. There is a mouth + which when opened, as it generally is, makes the rest of the face look + like a tire, and there is a pair of ears of such generous size that only a + third one is needed, round at the back somewhere, to give us the + appearance of a loving cup. And we are smocked and hem-stitched with a + million wrinkles apiece, more or less, which partly accounts for the fact + that every newborn infant looks to be about two hundred years old. And + uniformly we have the nice red complexion of a restaurant lobster. You + know that live-broiled look? + </p> + <p> + As for our other features, they are more or less rudimentary. Of a nose + there is only what a chemist would call a trace. It seems hard to imagine + that a dinky little nubbin like that, a dimple turned inside out, as it + were, will ever develop into a regular nose, with a capacity for freckling + in the summer and catching cold in the winter—a nose that you can + sneeze through and blow with. There are no eyebrows to speak of either, + and the skull runs up to a sharp point like a pineapple cheese. Just back + of the peak is a kind of soft, dented-in place like a Parker House roll, + and if you touch it we die. In some cases this spot remains soft + throughout life, and these persons grow up and go through railroad trains + in presidential years taking straw votes. + </p> + <p> + And, as I said before, there isn't any hair; only on the slopes of the + cheese are some very pale, faint, downy lines, which look as though they + had been sketched on lightly with a very soft drawing pencil and would + wipe off readily. That, however is the inception and beginning of what + afterward becomes, among our race, hair. To look at it you could hardly + believe it, but it is. Barring accidents or backwardness, it continues to + grow from that time on through our childhood, but its behavior is always a + profound disappointment. If the child is a girl and, therefore, entitled + to curly hair, her hair is sure to come in stiff and straight. If it's a + boy, to whom curls will be a curse and a cross of affliction, he is + morally certain to be as curly as a frizzly chicken, and until he gets old + enough to rebel he will wear long ringlets and boys of his acquaintance + will insert cockle-burs and chewing gum into his tresses, and he will be + known popularly as Sissie and otherwise his life with be made joyous and + carefree for him. If a reddish tone of hair is desired it is certain to + grow out yellow or brown or black; and if brown is your favorite shade you + are absolutely sure to be nice and red-headed, with eyebrows and lashes to + match, and so many cowlicks that when you remove your hat people will + think you're wearing two or three halos at once. Hair rarely or never acts + up to its advance notices. + </p> + <p> + One of the earliest and most painful recollections of my youth is + associated with hair. I still tingle warmly when I think of it. I should + say I was about eight years old at the time. My mother sent me down the + street to the barber's to have my hair trimmed—shingled was the term + then used. Some of my private collection of cowlicks had begun to stand up + in a way that invited adverse criticism and reminded people of sunbursts. + They made me look as though my hair were trying to pull itself out by the + roots and escape. So I was sent to the barber's. My little cousin, two + years younger, went along in my charge. It was thought that the + performance might entertain her. I was mounted in a chair and had a cloth + tucked in round my neck, like a self-made millionaire about to eat + consomme. The officiating barber got out a shiny steel instrument with + jaws—the first pair of clippers I had ever seen—and he ran + this up the back of my neck, producing a most agreeable feeling. He + reached the top of my head and would have paused but I told him to go + right ahead and clip me close all over, which he did. When he had finished + the job I was so delighted with the sensation and with the attendant + result as viewed in a mirror that I suggested he might give my little + cousin a similar treat. From a mere child I was ever so—willing + always to share my simple pleasures with those about me, especially where + it entailed no inconvenience on my part. I told him my father would pay + the bill for both of us when he came by that night. + </p> + <p> + The barber fell in with the suggestion. It has ever been my experience + that a barber will fall in readily with any suggestion whereby the barber + is going to get something out of it for himself. In this instance he was + going to get another quarter, and a quarter went farther in those days + than it does now. I dismounted from the chair and my innocent little + cousin was installed in my place. As I now recall she made no protest. The + barber ran his clippers conscientiously and painstakingly over her tender + young scalp, while I stood admiringly by and watched the long yellow curls + fall writhing upon the floor at my feet. It seemed to me that a great and + manifest improvement was produced in her general appearance. Instead of + being hampered by those silly curls dangling down all round her face, she + now had a round, slick, smooth dome decorated with a stiff yellowish + stubble, and the skin showed through nice and pink and the ears were well + displayed, whereas before they had been practically hidden. She was also + relieved of those foolish bangs hanging down in her eyes. This, I should + have stated, occurred in the period when womankind of whatsoever age and + also some men wore bangs, a disease from which all have since recovered + with the exception of racehorses and princesses of the various reigning + houses of Europe. And now my little cousin was shut of those annoying + bangs, and her forehead ran up so high that you had to go round behind her + to see where it left off. + </p> + <p> + Filled with a joyous sense of achievement and conscious of a kindly deed + worthily performed, I took my little cousin by her hand and led her home. + </p> + <p> + My mother was waiting for us at the front door. She seemed surprised when + I took off my hat and gave her a look, but that wasn't a circumstance to + her surprise when I proudly took off my little cousin's cap. She uttered a + kind of a strangled cry and my cousin's mother came running, and the way + she carried on was scandalous and ill-timed. I will draw a veil over the + proceedings of the next few minutes. At the time it would have been a + source of great personal gratification and comfort to me if I could have + drawn a number of veils, good, thick, woolen ones, over the proceedings. + My mother wept, my aunt wept, my little cousin wept, and I am not ashamed + to state that I wept quite copiously myself. But I had more provocation to + weep than any of them. + </p> + <p> + When this part of the affair was over my mother sent me back to the barber + with a message. I was to say that a heart-broken woman demanded to have + the curls of which her darling child had been denuded. I believe that + there was some idea entertained of sewing them into a cap and requiring my + cousin to wear the cap until new ones had sprouted. Even to me, a mere + child of eight, this seemed a foolish and totally unnecessary proceeding, + but the situation had already become so strained that I thought it the + part of prudence to go at once without offering any arguments of my own. I + felt, anyhow, that I would rather be away from the house for a while, + until calmer second judgment had succeeded excitement and tumult. + </p> + <p> + The man who owned the barber shop seemed surprised when I delivered the + message, but he told me to come back in a few minutes and he'd do what he + could. I drifted on down to the confectionery store at the corner to + forget my sorrows for the moment in a worshipful admiration of a display + of prize boxes and cracknels in glass-front cases—you should be able + to fix the period by the fact that cracknels and prize boxes were still in + vogue among the young. When I returned the head barber handed me quite a + large box—a shoebox—with a string tied round it. It did not + seem possible to me that my cousin could have had a whole shoebox full of + curls, but things had been going pretty badly that afternoon and my + motives had been misjudged and everything, so without any talk I took the + box and hurried home with it. My mother cut the string and my aunt lifted + the lid. + </p> + <p> + I should prefer again to draw a veil over the scenes that now ensued, but + the necessity of finishing this narrative requires me to state that it + being a Saturday and the head barber being a busy man, he had not taken + time to sort out my cousin's curls from among the flotsam and jetsam of + his establishment, but had just swept up enough off the floor to make a + good assorted boxful. I think the oldest inhabitant had probably dropped + in that day to have himself trimmed up a little round the edges. I seem to + remember a quantity of sandy whiskers shot with gray. There was enough + hair in that box and enough different kinds and colors of hair and stuff + to satisfy almost any taste, you would have thought, but my mother and + aunt were anything but satisfied. On the contrary, far from it. And yet my + cousin's hair was all there, if they had only been willing to spend a few + days sorting it out and separating it from the other contents. + </p> + <p> + In this particular instance I was the exception to the rule, that hair + generally gives a boy no great trouble from the time he merges out of + babyhood until he puts on long pants and begins to discern something + strangely and subtly attractive about the sex described by Mr. Kipling as + being the more deadly of the species. During this interim it is a matter + of no moment to a boy whether he goes shaggy or cropped, shorn or unshorn. + At intervals a frugal parent trims him to see if both his ears are still + there, or else a barber does it with more thoroughness, often recovering + small articles of household use that have been mysteriously missing for + months; but in the main he goes along carefree and unbarbered, not greatly + concerned with putting anything in his head or taking anything off of it. + </p> + <p> + In due season, though, he reaches the age where adolescent whiskers and + young romance begin to sprout out on him simultaneously—and from + that moment on for the rest of his life his hair is giving him bother, and + plenty of it. + </p> + <p> + Your hair gives you bother as long as you have it and more bother when it + starts to go. You are always doing something for it and it is always + showing deep-dyed ingratitude in return; or else the dye isn't deep + enough, which is even worse. Hair is responsible for such byproducts as + dandruff, barbers, wigs, several comic weeklies, mental anguish, added + expense, Chinese revolutions, and the standard joke about your wife's + using your best razor to open a can of tomatoes with. Hair has been of aid + to Buffalo Bill, Little Lord Fauntleroy, Samson, The Lady Godiva, Jo-Jo, + the Dog-Faced Boy, poets, pianists, some artists and most mattress makers, + but a drawback and a sorrow to Absalom, polar bears in captivity and the + male sex in general. + </p> + <p> + This assertion goes not only for hair on the head but for hair on the + face. Let us consider for a moment the matter of shaving. If you shave + yourself you excite a barber's contempt, and there is nobody whose + contempt the average man dreads more than a barber's, unless it is a + waiter's. And on the other hand, if you let a barber shave you he excites + not your contempt particularly, but your rage and frequently your undying + hatred. Once in a burst of confidence a barber told me one of the trade + secrets of his profession—he said that among barbers every face fell + into one of three classes, it being either a square, a round or a + squirrel. I know not, reader, whether yours be a square or a round or a + squirrel, but this much I will chance on a venture, sight unseen—that + you have your periods of intense unhappiness when you are being shaved. + </p> + <p> + I do not refer so much to the actual process of being shaved. Indeed there + is something restful and soothing to the average male adult in the feel of + a sharp razor being guided over a bristly jowl by a deft and skillful + hand, to the accompaniment of a gentle grating sound and followed by a + sensation of transient silken smoothness. Nor do I refer to the barber's + habit of conversation. After all, a barber is human—he has to talk + to somebody, and it might as well be you. If he didn't have you to talk to + he'd have to talk to another barber, and that would be no treat to him. + </p> + <p> + What I do refer to is that which precedes a shave and more especially that + which follows after it. You rush in for a shave. In ten minutes you have + an engagement to be married or something else important, and you want a + shave and you want it quick. Does the barber take cognizance of the + emergency? He does not. Such would be contrary to the ethics of his + calling. Knowing from your own lips that you want a shave and that's + positively all, he nevertheless is instantly filled with a burning desire + to equip you with a large number of other things. In this regard the + barbering profession has much in common with the haberdashering or + gents'-furnishing profession as practiced in our larger cities. You invade + a haberdashering establishment for the purpose, let us say, of investing + in a plain and simple pair of half hose, price twenty-five cents. That + emphatically is all that you do desire. You so state in plain, simple + language, using the shorter and uglier word socks. + </p> + <p> + Does the youth in the pale mauve shirt with the marquise ring on the + little finger of the left hand rest content with this? Need I answer this + question? In succession he tries to sell you a fancy waistcoat with large + pearl buttons, a broken lot of silk pajamas, a bath-robe, some shrimp-pink + underwear—he wears this kind himself he tells you in strict + confidence—a pair of plush suspenders and a knitted necktie that you + wouldn't be caught wearing at twelve o'clock at night at the bottom of a + coal mine during a total eclipse of the moon. If you resist his + blandishments and so far forget that you are a gentleman as to use harsh + language, and if you insist on a pair of socks and nothing else, he'll let + you have them, but he will never feel the same toward you as he did. + </p> + <p> + 'Tis much the same with a barber. You need a shave in a hurry and he is + willing that you should have a shave, he being there for that purpose, but + first and last he can think of upward of thirty or forty other things that + you ought to have, including a shampoo, a hair cut, a hair singe, a hair + tonic, a hair oil, a manicure, a facial massage, a scalp massage, a + Turkish bath, his opinion on the merits of the newest White Hope, a + shoeshine, some kind of a skin food, and a series of comparisons of the + weather we are having this time this month with the weather we were having + this time last month. Not all of us are gifted with the power of repartee + by which my friend Frisbee turned the edge of the barber's desires. + </p> + <p> + "Your hair," said the barber, fondling a truant lock, "is long." + </p> + <p> + "I know it is," said Frisbee. "I like it long. It's so Roycrofty." + </p> + <p> + "It is very long," said the barber with a wistful expression. + </p> + <p> + "I like it very long," said Frisbee. "I like to have people come up to me + on the street and call me Mr. Sutherland and ask me how I left my sisters? + I like to be mistaken for a Russian pianist. I like for strangers to stop + me and ask me how's everything up at East Aurora. In short, I like it + long." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, sir," said the barber, "quite so, sir; but it's very long, + particularly here in the back—it covers your coat collar." + </p> + <p> + "Indeed?" said Frisbee. "You say it covers my coat collar?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, sir," said the barber. "You can't see the coat collar at all." + </p> + <p> + "Have you got a good sharp pair of shears there?" said Frisbee. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, yes, sir," said the barber. + </p> + <p> + "All right then," said Frisbee; "cut the collar off." + </p> + <p> + But not all of us, as I said before, have this ready gift of parry and + thrust that distinguishes my friend Frisbee. Mostly we weakly surrender. + Or if we refuse to surrender, demanding just a shave by itself and nothing + else, what then follows? In my own case, speaking personally, I know + exactly what follows. I do not like to have any powder dabbed on my face + when I am through shaving. I believe in letting the bloom of youth show + through your skin, providing you have any bloom of youth to do so. I + always take pains to state my views in this regard at least twice during + the operation of being shaved—once at the start when the barber has + me all lathered up, with soapsuds dripping from the flanges of my + shell-like ears and running down my neck, and once again toward the close + of the operation, when he has laid aside his razor and is sousing my + defenseless features in a liquid that smells and tastes a good deal like + those scented pink blotters they used to give away at drug-stores to + advertise somebody's cologne. + </p> + <p> + Does the barber respect my wishes in this regard? Certainly not. He + insists on powdering me, either before my eyes or surreptitiously and in a + clandestine manner. If he didn't powder me up he would lose his sense of + self-respect, and probably the union would take his card away from him. I + think there is something in the constitution and by-laws requiring that I + be powdered up. I have fought the good fight for years, but I'm always + powdered. Sometimes the crafty foe dissembles. He pretends that he is not + going to powder me up. But all of a sudden when my back is turned, as it + were, he grabs up his powder swab and makes a quick swoop upon me and the + hellish deed is done. I should be pleased to hear from other victims of + this practice suggesting any practical relief short of homicide. I do not + wish to kill a barber—there are several other orders in ahead, + referring to the persons I intend to kill off first—but I may be + driven to it. + </p> + <p> + After he has gashed me casually hither and yen, and sluiced down my + helpless countenance with the carefree abandon of a livery-stable hand + washing off a buggy, and after, as above stated, he has covered up the + traces of his crime with powder, the barber next takes a towel and folds + it over his right hand, as prescribed in the rules and regulations, and + then he dabs me with that towel on various parts of my face nine hundred + and seventy-four—974—separate and distinct times. I know the + exact number of dabs because I have taken the trouble to keep count. I may + be in as great a hurry as you can imagine; I may be but a poor nervous + wreck already, as I am; I may be quivering to be up and away from there, + but he dabs me with his towel—he dabs me until reason totters on her + throne—sometimes just a tiny tot, as the saying goes, or it may be + that the whole cerebral structure is involved—and then when he is + apparently all through the Demoniac Dabber comes back and dabs me one more + fiendish, deliberate and premeditated dab, making nine hundred and + seventy-five dabs in all. He has to do it; it's in the ritual that I and + you and everybody must have that last dab. I wonder how many gibbering + idiots there are in the asylum today whose reason was overthrown by being + dabbed that last farewell dab. I know from my own experience that I can + feel the little dark-green gibbers sloshing round inside of me every time + it happens, and some day my mind will give away altogether and there'll be + a hurry call sent in for the wagon with the lock on the back door. Yet it + is of no avail to cavil or protest; we cannot hope to escape; we can only + sit there in mute and helpless misery and be filled with a great envy for + Mexican hairless dogs. + </p> + <p> + For quite a spell now we have been speaking of hair on the face; at this + point we revert to hair in its relation to the head. There are some few + among us, mainly professional Southerners and leading men, who retain the + bulk of the hair on their heads through life; but with most of us the + circumstances are different. Your hair goes from you. You don't seem to + notice it at first; then all of a sudden you wake up to the realization + that your head is working its way up through the hair. You start in then + desperately doing things for your hair in the hope of inducing it to stick + round the old place a while longer, but it has heard the call of the wild + and it is on its way. There's no detaining it. You soak your skull in + lotions until your brain softens and your hat-band gets moldy from the + damp, but your hair keeps right on going. + </p> + <p> + After a while it is practically gone. If only about two-thirds of it is + gone your head looks like a great auk's egg in a snug nest; but if most of + it goes there is something about you that suggests the Glacial Period, + with an icy barren peak rising high above the vegetation line, where a + thin line of heroic strands still cling to the slopes. You are bald then, + a subject fit for the japes of the wicked and universally coupled in the + betting with onions, with hard-boiled eggs and with the front row of + orchestra chairs at a musical show. + </p> + <p> + At this time of writing baldness is creeping insidiously up each side of + my head. It is executing flank movements from the temples northward, and + some day the two columns will meet and after that I'll be considerably + more of a highbrow than I am now. At present I am craftily combing the + remaining thatch in the middle and smoothing it out nice and flat, so as + to keep those bare spots covered—thinly perhaps, but nevertheless + covered. It is my earnest desire to continue to keep them covered. I am + not a professional beauty; I am not even what you would call a good + amateur beauty; and I want to make what little hair I have go as far as it + conveniently can. But does the barber to whom I repair at frequent + intervals coincide with my desires in this respect? Again I reply he does + not. Every time I go in I speak to him about it. I say to him: "Woodman, + spare that hair, touch not a single strand; in youth it sheltered me and + I'll protect it now." Or in substance that. + </p> + <p> + He says yes, he will, but he doesn't mean it. He waits until he can catch + me with my guard down. Then he seizes a comb, and using the edge of his + left hand as a bevel and operating his right with a sort of free-arm + Spencerian movement, he roaches my hair up in a scallop effect on either + side, and upon reaching the crest he fights with it and wrestles with it + until he makes it stand erect in a feather-edged design. I can tell by his + expression that he is pleased with this arrangement. He loves to send his + victims forth into the world tufted like the fretful cockatoo. He likes to + see surging waves of hair dash high on a stern and rockbound head. His + sense of the artistic demands such a result. + </p> + <p> + What cares he how I feel about it so long as the higher cravings of his + own nature are satisfied? But I resent it—I resent it bitterly. I + object to having my head look like a real-estate development with an + opening for a new street going up each side and an ornamental design in + fancy landscape gardening across the top. If I permit this I won't be able + to keep on saying that I was twenty-seven on my last birthday, with some + hope of getting away with it. So I insist that he put my front hair right + back where he found it. He does so, under protest and begrudgingly, it is + true, but he does it. And then, watching his opportunity, he runs in on me + and overpowers me and roaches it up some more. + </p> + <p> + If I weaken and submit he is happy as the day is long. If he gets it + roached up on both sides that will make me look like a horizontal-bar + performer, which is his idea of manly beauty. Or if he gets it roached up + on one side only there is still some consolation in it for him I'm liable + to be mistaken anywhere for a trained-animal performer. But once in a very + great while he doesn't get it roached up on either side, but has to stand + there and suffer as he sees me walk forth into the world with my hair + combed to suit me and not him. I can tell by his look that he is grieved + and downcast, and that he will probably go home and be cross to the + children. He has but one solace—he hopes to have better luck with me + next time. And probably he will. + </p> + <p> + The last age of hair is a wig. But wigs are not so very satisfactory + either. I've seen all the known varieties of wigs, and I never saw one yet + that looked as though it were even on speaking terms with the head that + was under it. A wig always looks as though it were a total stranger to the + head and had just lit there a minute to rest, preparatory to flying along + to the next head. Nevertheless, I think on the whole I'll be happier when + my time comes to wear one, because then no barber can roach me up. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + HANDS AND FEET + </h2> + <p> + Nearly every boy has a period in his life when he is filled with an + envious admiration for the East India god with the extra set of arms—Vishnu, + I think this party's name is. To a small boy it seems a grand thing to + have a really adequate assortment of hands. He considers the advantage of + such an arrangement in school—two hands in plain view above the desk + holding McGuffy's Fourth Reader at the proper angle for study and the + other two out of sight, down underneath the desk engaged in manufacturing + paper wads or playing crack-a-loo or some other really worth while + employment. + </p> + <p> + Or for robbing birds' nests. There would be two hands for use in skinning + up the tree, and one hand for scaring off the mother bird and one hand for + stealing the eggs. And for hanging on behind wagons the combination + positively could not be beaten. Then there would be the gaudy + conspicuousness of going around with four arms weaving in and out in a + kind of spidery effect while less favored boys were forced to content + themselves with just an ordinary and insufficient pair. Really, there was + only one drawback to the contemplation of this scheme—there'd be + twice as many hands to wash when company was coming to dinner. + </p> + <p> + Generally speaking a boy's hands give him no serious concern during the + first few years of his life except at such times as his mother grows + officious and fussy and insists that they ought to be washed up as far as + the regular place for washing a boy's hands, to wit, about midway between + the knuckles and the wrist. The fact that one finger is usually in a state + of mashedness is no drawback, but a benefit. The presence of a soiled rag + around a finger gives to a boy's hand a touch of distinctiveness—singles + it out from ordinary unmaimed hands. Its presence has been known to excuse + its happy possessor from such chores as bringing in wood for the kitchen + stove or pulling dock weeds out of the grass in a front yard where it + would be much easier and quicker to pull the grass out of the dock weeds. + It may even be made a source of profit by removing the wrappings and + charging two china marbles a look. I seem to recall that in the case of a + specially attractive injury, such as a thumb nail knocked off or a deep + cut which has refused to heal by first intention or an imbedded splinter + in process of being drawn out by a scrap of fat meat, that as much as four + china marbles could be charged. + </p> + <p> + On the Fourth of July you occasionally burned your hands and in cold + winters they chapped extensively across the knuckles but these were but + the marks and scars of honorable endeavor and a hardy endurance. In our + set the boy whose knuckles had the deepest cracks in them was a prominent + and admired figure, crowned, as you might say, with an imaginary chaplet + by reason of his chaps. + </p> + <p> + With girls, of course, it was different. + </p> + <p> + Girls were superfluous and unnecessary creatures with a false and inflated + idea of the value of soap and water. Their hands weren't good for much + anyway. Later on we discovered that a girl's hands were excellent for + holding purposes in a hammock or while coming back from a straw ride, but + I am speaking now of the earlier stages of our development, before the + presence of the ostensibly weaker sex began to awaken responsive throbs in + our several bosoms—in short when girls were merely nuisances and + things to be ignored whenever possible. In that early stage of his + existence hands have no altruistic or sentimental or ornamental value for + a boy—they are for useful purposes altogether and are regarded as + such. + </p> + <p> + It is only when he has reached the age of tail coats and spike-fence + collars that he discovers two hands are frequently too many and often not + enough. They are too many at your first church wedding when wearing your + first pair of white kids and they are not enough at a five o'clock tea. + There is a type of male who can go to a five o'clock tea and not fall over + a lot of Louie Kahn's furniture or get himself hopelessly tangled up in a + hanging drapery and who can seem perfectly at ease while holding in his + hands a walking stick, a pair of dove colored gloves, a two-quart hat, a + cup of tea with a slice of lemon peel in it, a tea spoon, a lump of sugar, + a seed cookie, an olive, and the hand of a lady with whom he is discussing + the true meaning of the message of the late Ibsen but these gifted mortals + are not common. They are rare and exotic. There are also some few who can + do ushing at a church wedding with a pair of white kids on and not appear + overly self-conscious. These are also the exceptions. The great majority + of us suffer visibly under such circumstances. You have the feeling that + each hand weighs fully twenty-four pounds and that it is hanging out of + the sleeve for a distance of about one and three-quarters yards and you + don't know what to do with your hands and on the whole would feel much + more comfortable and decorative if they were both sawed off at the wrists + and hidden some place where you couldn't find 'em. You have that feeling + and you look it. You look as though you were working in a plaster of paris + factory and were carrying home a couple of large sacks of samples. It + would be grand to be a Vishnu at a five o'clock tea, but awful to be one + at a church wedding. + </p> + <p> + About the time you find yourself embarking on a career of teas and + weddings you also begin to find yourself worrying about the appearance of + your hands. Up until now the hands have given you no great concern one way + or the other, but some day you wake to the realization that you need to be + manicured. Once you catch that disease there is no hope for you. There are + ways of curing you of almost any habit except manicuring. You get so that + you aren't satisfied unless your nails run down about a quarter of an inch + further than nails were originally intended to run, and unless they + glitter freely you feel strangely distraught in company. Inasmuch as no + male creature's finger nails will glitter with the desired degree of + brilliancy for more than twenty-four short and fleeting hours after a + treatment you find yourself constantly in the act of either just getting a + manicure or just getting over one. It is an expensive habit, too; it takes + time and it takes money. There's the fixed charge for manicuring in the + first place and then there's the tip. Once there was a manicure lady who + wouldn't take a tip, but she is now no more. Her indignant sisters stabbed + her to death with hat pins and nail-files. Manicuring as a public + profession is a comparatively recent development of our civilization. The + fathers of the republic and the founders of the constitution, which was + founded first and has been foundering ever since if you can believe what a + lot of people in Congress say—they knew nothing of manicuring. + Speaking by and large, they only got their thumbs wet when doing one of + three things—taking a bath, going in swimming or turning a page in a + book. Washington probably was never manicured nor Jefferson nor Franklin; + it's a cinch that Daniel Boone and Israel Putnam and George Rogers Clark + weren't and yet it is generally conceded that they got along fairly well + without it. But as the campaign orators are forever pointing out from the + hustlers and the forum, this is an age calling for change and advancement. + And manicuring is one of the advancements that likewise calls for the + change—for fifty cents in change anyhow and more if you are inclined + to be generous with the tip. + </p> + <p> + Shall you ever forget your first manicure? The shan'ts are unanimously in + the majority. It seems an easy thing to walk into a manicure parlor or a + barber shop and shove your hands across a little table to a strange young + woman and tell her to go ahead and shine 'em up a bit—the way you + hear old veteran manicurees saying it. It seems easy, I say, and looks + easy; but it isn't as easy as it seems. Until you get hardened, it + requires courage of a very high order. You, the abashed novice, see other + men sitting in the front window of the manicure shop just as debonair and + cozy as though they'd been born and raised there, swapping the ready + repartee of the day with dashing creatures of a frequently blonde aspect, + and you imagine they have always done so. You little know that these + persons who are now appearing so much at home and who can snap out those + bright, witty things like "I gotcher Steve," and "Well, see who's here?" + without a moment's hesitation and without having to stop and think for the + right word or the right phrase but have it right there on the tip of the + tongue—you little reck that they too passed through the same + initiation which you now contemplate. Yet such is the case. + </p> + <p> + You have dress rehearsals—private ones—in your room. In the + seclusion of your bed chamber you picture yourself opening the door of the + marble manicure hall and stepping in with a brisk yet graceful tread—like + James K. Hackett making an entrance in the first act—and glancing + about you casually—like John Drew counting up the house—and + saying "Hello girlies, how're all the little Heart's Delights this + afternoon?" just like that, and picking out the most sumptuous and + attractive of the flattered young ladies in waiting; and sinking easily + into the chair opposite her—see photos of William Faversham and + throwing the coat lapels back, at the same time resting the left hand + clenched upon the upper thigh with the elbow well out—Donald Brian + asking a lady to waltz—and offering the right hand to the favored + female and telling her to go as far as she likes with it. It sounds simple + when you figuring it out alone, but it rarely works out that way in + practice. It is my belief that every woman longs for the novelty of a + Turkish bath and every man for the novelty of a manicure long before + either dares to tackle it. I may be wrong but this is my belief. And in + the case of the man he usually makes a number of false starts. + </p> + <p> + You go to the portals and hesitate and then, stumbling across the + threshold, you either dive on through to the barber shop—if there is + a barber shop in connection—or else you mumble something about being + in a hurry and coming back again, and retreat with all the grace and ease + that would be shown by a hard shell crab that was trying to back into the + mouth of a milk-bottle. You are likely to do this several times; but + finally some day you stick. You slump down into one of those little chairs + and offer your hands or one of them to a calm and slightly arrogant + looking young lady and you tell her to please shine them up a little. You + endeavor to appear as though you had been doing this at frequent periods + stretching through a great number of years, but she—bless her little + heart!—she knows better than that. The female of the manicuring + species is not to be deceived by any such cheap and transparent artifices. + If you wore a peekaboo waist she couldn't see through you any easier. Your + hands would give you away if your face didn't. In a sibulent aside, she + addresses the young lady at the next table—the one with the nine + bracelets and the hair done up delicatessen store mode—sausages, + rolls and buns—whereupon both of them laugh in a significant, + silvery way, and you feel the back of your neck setting your collar on + fire. You can smell the bone button back there scorching and you're glad + it's not celluloid, celluloid being more inflammable and subject to + combustion when subjected to intense heat. + </p> + <p> + When both have laughed their merry fill, the young woman who has you in + charge looks you right in the eye and says: + </p> + <p> + "Dearie me; you'll pardon me saying so, but your nails are in a perfectly + turrible state. I don't think I've seen a jumpman's nails in such a state + for ever so long. Pardon me again—but how long has it been since you + had them did?" + </p> + <p> + To which you reply in what is meant to be a jaunty and off-hand tone: + </p> + <p> + "Oh quite some little while. I've—I've been out of town." + </p> + <p> + "That's what I thought," she says with a slight shrug. It isn't so much + what she says—it's the way she says it, the tone and all that, which + makes you feel smaller and smaller until you could crawl into your own + watch pocket and live happily there ever after. There'd be slews of room + and when you wanted the air of an evening you could climb up in a + buttonhole of your vest and be quite cosy and comfortable. But shrink as + you may, there is now no hope of escape, for she has reached out and + grabbed you firmly by the wrist. She has you fast. You have a feeling that + eight or nine thousand people have assembled behind you and are all gazing + fixedly into the small of your back. The only things about you that + haven't shrivelled up are your hands. You can feel them growing larger and + larger and redder and redder and more prominent and conspicuous every + instant. + </p> + <p> + The lady begins operations. You are astonished to note how many tools and + implements it takes to manicure a pair of hands properly. The top of her + little table is full of them and she pulls open a drawer and shows you + some more, ranged in rows. There are files and steel biters and + pigeon-toed scissors and scrapers and polishers and things; and wads of + cotton with which to staunch the blood of the wounded, and bottles of + liquid and little medicinal looking jars full of red paste; and a cut + glass crock with soap suds in it and a whole lot of little orange wood + stobbers. + </p> + <p> + In the interest of truth I have taken the pains to enquire and I have + ascertained that these stobbers are invariably of orange wood. Say what + you will, the orange tree is a hardy growth. Every February you read in + the papers that the Florida orange crop, for the third consecutive time + since Christmas has been entirely and totally destroyed by frost and yet + there is always an adequate supply on hand of the principal products of + the orange-phosphate for the soda fountains, blossoms for the bride, + political sentiment for the North of Ireland and little sharp stobbers for + the manicure lady. Speaking as an outsider I would say that there ought to + be other varieties of wood that would serve as well and bring about the + desired results as readily—a good thorny variety of poison ivy ought + to fill the bill, I should think. But it seems that orange wood is + absolutely essential. A manicure lady could no more do a manicure properly + without using an orange wood stobber at certain periods than a cartoonist + could draw a picture of a man in jail without putting a ball and chain on + him or a summer resort could get along without a Lover's Leap within easy + walking distance of the hotel. It simply isn't done, that's all. + </p> + <p> + Well, as I was saying, she gets out her tool kit and goes to work on you. + You didn't dream that there were so many things—mainly of a painful + nature—that could be done to a single finger nail and you flinch as + you suddenly remember that you have ten of them in all, counting thumbs in + with fingers. She takes a finger nail in hand and she files it and she + trims it and she softens it with hot water and hardens it with chemicals + and parboils it a little while and then she cuts off the hang nails—if + there aren't any hang nails there already she'll make a few—and she + shears away enough extra cuticle to cover quite a good-sized little boy. + She goes over you with a bristle brush, and warms up your nerve ends until + you tingle clear back to your dorsal fin and then she takes one of those + orange wood stobbers previously referred to, and goes on an exploring + expedition down under the nail, looking for the quick. She always finds + it. There is no record of a failure to find the quick. Having found it she + proceeds to wake it up and teach it some parlor tricks. I may not have set + forth all these various details in the exact order in which they take + place, but I know she does them all. And somewhere along about the time + when she is half way through with the first hand she makes you put the + other hand in the suds. + </p> + <p> + Later on when you have had more practice at this thing you learn to wait + for the signal before plunging the second hand into the suds, but being + green on this occasion, you are apt to mistake the moving of the crock of + suds over from the right hand side to the left hand side as a notice and + to poke your untouched hand right in without further orders, hoping to get + it softened up well so as to save her trouble in trimming it down to a + size which will suit her. But this is wrong—this is very wrong, as + she tells you promptly, with a pitying smile for your ignorance. Manicure + girls are as careful about boiling a hand as some particular people are + about bailing their eggs for breakfast of a morning. A two minute hand is + no pleasure to her absolutely if she has diagnosed your hand as one + calling for six minutes, or vice versa. So, should you err in this regard + she will snatch the offending hand out and wipe it off and give it back to + you and tell you to keep it in a dry place until she calls for it. + Manicure girls are very funny that way. + </p> + <p> + Thus time passes on and on and by degrees you begin to feel more and more + at home. Your bashfulness is wearing off. The coherent power of speech has + returned to you and you have exchanged views with her on the relative + merits of the better known brands of chewing gum and which kind holds the + flavor longest, and you have swapped ideas on the issue of whether ladies + should or should not smoke cigarettes in public and she knows how much + your stick pin cost you and you know what her favorite flower is. You are + getting along fine, when all of a sudden she dabs your nails with a red + paste and then snatches up a kind of a polishing tool and ferociously rubs + your fingers until they catch on fire. Just when the conflagration + threatens to become general she stops using the polisher and proceeds to + cool down the ruins by gently burnishing your nails against the soft, pink + palm of her hand. You like this better than the other way. You could + ignite yourself by friction almost any time, if you got hold of the right + kind of a chamois skin rubber, but this is quite different and highly + soothing. You are beginning to really enjoy the sensation when she + roguishly pats the back of your hand—pitty pat—as a signal + that the operation is now over. You pay the check and tip the lady—tip + her fifty cents if you wish to be regarded as a lovely jumpman or only + twenty-five cents if you are satisfied with being a vurry nice fella—and + you secure your hat and step forth into the open with the feeling of one + who has taken a trip into a distant domain and on the whole has rather + enjoyed it. + </p> + <p> + You stand in the sunlight and waggle your fingers and you are struck with + the desirable glitter that flits from finger tip to finger tip like a + heleograph winking on a mountain top. It is indeed a pleasing spectacle. + You decide that hereafter you will always glitter so. It is cheaper than + wearing diamonds and much more refined, and so you take good care of your + fingers all that day and carefully refrain from dipping them in the brine + while engaged in the well known indoor sport of spearing for dill pickles + at the business men's lunch. + </p> + <p> + But the next morning when you wake up the desirable glitter is gone. You + only glimmer dully—your fingers do not sparkle and dazzle and + scintillate as they did. As Francois Villon, the French poet would + undoubtedly have said had manicures been known at the time he was writing + his poems, "Where are the manicures of yesterday?" instead of making it, + "Where are the snows of yesteryear?" there being no answer ready for + either question, except that the manicures of yesterday like the snows of + yesteryear are never there when you start looking for them. They have just + naturally got up and gone away, leaving no forwarding address. + </p> + <p> + You have now been launched upon your career as a manicuree. You never get + over it. You either get married and your wife does your nails for you, + thus saving you large sums of money, but failing to impart the high degree + of polish and the spice of romance noticed in connection with the same job + when done away from home, or you continue to patronize the regular + establishments and become known in time as Polished Percival, the Pet of + the Manicure Parlor. But in either event your hands which once were hands + and nothing more, have become a source of added trouble and expense to + you. + </p> + <p> + Speaking of hands naturally brings one to the subject of feet, which was + intended originally to be the theme for the last half of this chapter, but + unfortunately I find I have devoted so much space to your hands that there + is but little room left for your feet and so far as your feet are + concerned, we must content ourselves on this occasion with a few general + statements. + </p> + <p> + Feet, I take it, speaking both from experience and observation, are even + more trouble to us than hands are. There are still a good many of us left + who go through life without doing anything much for our hands but with our + feet it is different. They thrust themselves upon us so to speak, + demanding care and attention. This goes for all sizes and all ages of + feet. From the time you are a small boy and suffer from stone bruises in + the summer and chilblains in the winter, on through life you're beset with + corns and callouses and falling of the instep and all the other ills that + feet are heir to. + </p> + <p> + The rich limp with the gout, the moderately well to do content themselves + with an active ingrown nail or so, and the poor man goes out and drops an + iron casting on his toe. Nearly every male who lives to reach the voting + age has a period of mental weakness in his youth when he wears those + pointed shoes that turn up at the ends, like sleigh runners; and spends + the rest of his life regretting it. Feet are certainly ungrateful things. + I might say that they are proverbially ungrateful. You do for them and + they do you. You get one corn, hard or soft, cured up or removed bodily + and a whole crowd of its relatives come to take its place. I imagine that + Nature intended we should go barefooted and is now getting even with us + because we didn't. Our poor, painful feet go with us through all the years + and every step in life is marked by a pang of some sort. And right on up + to the end of our days, our feet are getting more infirm and more + troublesome and more crotchety and harder to bear with all the time. How + many are there right now who have one foot in the grave and the other at + the chiropodist's? Thousands, I reckon. + </p> + <p> + Napoleon said an army traveled on its stomach. I don't blame the army, far + from it; I've often wished I could travel that way myself, and I've no + doubt so has every other man who ever crowded a number nine and + three-quarters foot into a number eight patent-leather shoe, and then went + to call on friends residing in a steam-heated apartment. As what man has + not? Once the green-corn dance was an exclusive thing with the Sioux + Indians, but it may now be witnessed when one man steps on another man's + toes in a crowd. + </p> + <p> + We are accustomed to make fun of the humble worm of the dust but in one + respect the humble worm certainly has it on us. He goes through existence + without any hands and any feet to bother him. Indeed in this regard I can + think of but one creature in all creation who is worse off than we poor + humans are. That is the lowly ear wig. Think of being an ear wig, that + suffers from fallen arches himself and has a wife that suffers from cold + feet! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Cobb's Anatomy, by Irvin S. 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Cobb + +Posting Date: August 15, 2008 [EBook #1222] +Release Date: February, 1998 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COBB'S ANATOMY *** + + + + +Produced by Kirk Pearson + + + + + +COBB'S ANATOMY + +By Irvin S. Cobb + + + To G. H. L. + + Who stood godfather to these contents + + + + +Preface + +This Space To-Let to Any Reputable Party Desiring a Good Preface + + + +Contents + + I. Tummies + II. Teeth + III. Hair + IV. Hands and feet + + + + +TUMMIES + + +Dr. Woods Hutchinson says that fat people are happier than other people. +How does Dr. Woods Hutchinson know? Did he ever have to leave the two +top buttons of his vest unfastened on account of his extra chins? Has +the pressure from within against the waistband where the watchfob is +located ever been so great in his case that he had partially to undress +himself to find out what time it was? Does he have to take the tailor's +word for it that his trousers need pressing? + +He does not. And that sort of a remark is only what might be +expected from any person upward of seven feet tall and weighing about +ninety-eight pounds with his heavy underwear on. I shall freely take Dr. +Woods Hutchinson's statements on the joys and ills of the thin. But when +he undertakes to tell me that fat people are happier than thin +people, it is only hearsay evidence with him and decline to accept his +statements unchallenged. He is going outside of his class. He is, as you +might say, no more than an innocent bystander. Whereas I am a qualified +authority. + +I will admit that at one stage of my life, I regarded fleshiness as a +desirable asset. The incident came about in this way. There was a circus +showing in our town and a number of us proposed to attend it. It was +one of those one-ring, ten-cent circuses that used to go about over the +country, and it is my present recollection that all of us had funds laid +by sufficient to buy tickets; but if we could procure admission in the +regular way we felt it would be a sinful waste of money to pay our way +in. + +With this idea in mind we went scouting round back of the main tent to a +comparatively secluded spot, and there we found a place where the canvas +side-wall lifted clear of the earth for a matter of four or five inches. +We held an informal caucus to decide who should should go first. +The honor lay between two of us--between the present writer, who +was reasonably skinny, and another boy, named Thompson, who was +even skinnier. He won, as the saying is, on form. It was decided by +practically a unanimous vote, he alone dissenting, that he should crawl +under and see how the land lay inside. If everything was all right he +would make it known by certain signals and we would then follow, one by +one. + +Two of us lifted the canvas very gently and this Thompson boy started +to wriggle under. He was about halfway in when--zip!--like a flash he +bodily vanished. He was gone, leaving only the marks where his toes had +gouged the soil. Startled, we looked at one another. There was something +peculiar about this. Here was a boy who had started into a circus tent +in a circumspect, indeed, a highly cautious manner, and then finished +the trip with undue and sudden precipitancy. It was more than +peculiar--it bordered upon the uncanny. It was sinister. Without a word +having been spoken we decided to go away from there. + +Wearing expressions of intense unconcern and sterling innocence upon our +young faces we did go away from there and drifted back in the general +direction of the main entrance. We arrived just in time to meet our +young friend coming out. He came hurriedly, using his hands and his +feet both, his feet for traveling and his hands for rubbing purposes. +Immediately behind him was a large, coarse man using language that +stamped him as a man who had outgrown the spirit of youth and was +preeminently out of touch with the ideals and aims of boyhood. + +At that period it seemed to me and to the Thompson boy, who was moved to +speak feelingly on the subject, and in fact to all of us, that excessive +slimness might have its drawbacks. Since that time several of us have +had occasion to change our minds. With the passage of years we have +fleshened up, and now we know better. The last time I saw the Thompson +boy he was known as Excess-Baggage Thompson. His figure in profile +suggested a man carrying a roll-top desk in his arms and his face looked +like a face that had refused to jell and was about to run down on his +clothes. He spoke longingly of the days of his youth and wondered if the +shape of his knees had changed much since the last time he saw them. + +Yes sir, no matter what Doctor Hutchinson says, I contend that the slim +man has all the best of it in this world. The fat man is the universal +goat; he is humanity's standing joke. Stomachs are the curse of our +modern civilization. When a man gets a stomach his troubles begin. If +you doubt this ask any fat man--I started to say ask any fat woman, too. +Only there aren't any fat women to speak of. There are women who are +plump and will admit it; there are even women who are inclined to be +stout. But outside of dime museums there are no fat women. But there are +plenty of fat men. Ask one of them. Ask any one of them. Ask me. + +This thing of acquiring a tummy steals on one insidiously, like a thief +in the night. You notice that you are plumping out a trifle and for the +time being you feel a sort of small personal satisfaction in it. Your +shirts fit you better. You love the slight strain upon the buttonholes. +You admire the pleasant plunking sound suggestive of ripe watermelons +when you pat yourself. Then a day comes when the persuasive odor of +mothballs fills the autumnal air and everybody at the barber shop is +having the back of his neck shaved also, thus betokening awakened social +activities, and when evening is at hand you take the dress-suit, which +fitted you so well, out of the closet where it has been hanging and +undertake to back yourself into it. You are pained to learn that it is +about three sizes too small. At first you are inclined to blame the +suit for shrinking, but second thought convinces you that the fault lies +elsewhere. It is you that have swollen, not the suit that has shrunk. +The buttons that should adorn the front of the coat are now plainly +visible from the rear. + +You buy another dress-suit and next fall you have out-grown that one +too. You pant like a lizard when you run to catch a car. You cross your +legs and have to hold the crossed one on with both hands to keep your +stomach from shoving it off in space. After a while you quit crossing +them and are content with dawdling yourself on your own lap. You are +fat! Dog-gone it--you are fat! + +You are up against it and it is up against you, which is worse. You are +something for people to laugh at. You are also expected to laugh. It +is all right for a thin man to be grouchy; people will say the poor +creature has dyspepsia and should be humored along. But a fat man with +a grouch is inexcusable in any company--there is so much of him to be +grouchy. He constitutes a wave of discontent and a period of general +depression. He is not expected to be romantic and sentimental either. It +is all right for a giraffe to be sentimental, but not a hippopotamus. If +you doubt me consult any set of natural history pictures. The giraffe is +shown with his long and sinuous neck entwined in fond embrace about the +neck of his mate; but the amphibious, blood-sweating hippo is depicted +as spouting and wallowing, morose and misanthropic, in a mud puddle +off by himself. In passing I may say that I regard this comparison as +a particularly apt one, because I know of no living creature so truly +amphibious in hot weather as an open-pored fat man, unless it is a +hippopotamus. + +Oh how true is the saying that nobody loves a fat man! When fat comes up +on the front porch love jumps out of the third-story window. Love in +a cottage? Yes. Love in a rendering plant? No. A fat man's heart is +supposed to lie so far inland that the softer emotions cannot reach it +at all. Yet the fattest are the truest, if you did but know it, and +also they are the tenderest and a man with a double chin rarely leads a +double life. For one thing, it requires too much moving round. + +A fat man cannot wear the clothes he would like to wear. As a race fat +men are fond of bright and cheerful colors; but no fat man can indulge +his innocent desires in this direction without grieving his family and +friends and exciting the derisive laughter of the unthinking. If he puts +on a fancy-flowered vest, they'll say he looks like a Hanging Garden +of Babylon. And yet he has a figure just made for showing off a +fancy-flowered vest to best effect. He may favor something in light +checks for his spring suit; but if he ventures abroad in a checked suit, +ribald strangers will look at him meaningly and remark to one another +that the center of population appears to be shifting again. It has +been my observation that fat men are instinctively drawn to short tan +overcoats for the early fall. But a fat man in a short tan overcoat, +strolling up the avenue of a sunny afternoon, will be constantly +overhearing persons behind him wondering why they didn't wait until +night to move the bank vault. That irks him sore; but if he turns round +to reproach them he is liable to shove an old lady or a poor blind +man off the sidewalk, and then, like as not, some gamin will sing out: +"Hully gee, Chimmy, wot's become of the rest of the parade? 'Ere's the +bass drum goin' home all by itself." + +I've known of just such remarks being made and I assure you they cut a +sensitive soul to the core. Not for the fat man are the snappy clothes +for varsity men and the patterns called by the tailors confined because +that is what they should be but aren't. Not for him the silken shirt +with the broad stripes. Shirts with stripes that were meant to run +vertically but are caused to run horizontally, by reasons over which +the wearer has no control, remind others of the awning over an Italian +grocery. So the fat man must stick to sober navy blues and depressing +blacks and melancholy grays. He is advised that he should wear his +evening clothes whenever possible, because black and white lines are +more becoming to him. But even in evening clothes, that wide expanse of +glazed shirt and those white enamel studs will put the onlookers in mind +of the front end of a dairy lunch or so I have been cruelly told. + +When planning public utilities, who thinks of a fat man? There never was +a hansom cab made that would hold a fat man comfortably unless he left +the doors open, and that makes him feel undressed. There never was an +orchestra seat in a theater that would contain all of him at the same +time--he churns up and sloshes out over the sides. Apartment houses and +elevators and hotel towels are all constructed upon the idea that the +world is populated by stock-size people with those double-A-last shapes. + +Take a Pullman car, for instance. One of the saddest sights known is +that of a fat man trying to undress on one of those closet shelves +called upper berths without getting hopelessly entangled in the hammock +or committing suicide by hanging himself with his own suspenders. And +after that, the next most distressing sight is the same fat man after +he has undressed and is lying there, spouting like a sperm-whale and +overflowing his reservation like a crock of salt-rising dough in a warm +kitchen, and wondering how he can turn over without bulging the side of +the car and maybe causing a wreck. Ah me, those dark green curtains with +the overcoat buttons on them hide many a distressful spectacle from the +traveling public! + +If a fat man undertakes to reduce nobody sympathizes with him. A +thin man trying to fatten up so he won't fall all the way through his +trousers when he draws 'em on in the morning is an object of sympathy +and of admiration, and people come from miles round and give him advice +about how to do it. But suppose a fat man wants to train down to a point +where, when he goes into a telephone booth and says "Ninety-four Broad," +the spectators will know he is trying to get a number and not telling +his tailor what his waist measure is. + +Is he greeted with sympathetic understanding? He is not. He is greeted +with derision and people stand round and gloat at him. The authorities +recommend health exercises, but health exercises are almost invariably +undignified in effect and wearing besides. Who wants to greet the dewy +morn by lying flat on his back and lifting his feet fifty times? What +kind of a way is that to greet the dewy morn anyhow? And bending over +with the knees stiff and touching the tips of the toes with the tips +of the fingers--that's no employment for a grown man with a family to +support and a position to maintain in society. Besides which it +cannot be done. I make the statement unequivocally and without fear +of successful contradiction that it cannot be done. And if it could +be done--which as I say it can't--there would be no real pleasure in +touching a set of toes that one has known of only by common rumor for +years. Those toes are the same as strangers to you--you knew they were +in the neighborhood, of course, but you haven't been intimate with them. + +Maybe you try dieting, which is contrary to nature. Nature intended that +a fat man should eat heartily, else why should she endow him with the +capacity and the accommodations. Starving in the midst of plenty is not +for him who has plenty of midst. Nature meant that a fat man should have +an appetite and that he should gratify it at regular intervals--meant +that he should feel like the Grand Canyon before dinner and like the +Royal Gorge afterward. Anyhow, dieting for a fat man consists in not +eating anything that's fit to eat. The specialist merely tells him to +eat what a horse would eat and has the nerve to charge him for what +he could have found out for himself at any livery stable. Of course +he might bant in the same way that a woman bants. You know how a woman +bants. She begins the day very resolutely, and if you are her husband +you want to avoid irritating her or upsetting her, because hell hath no +fury like a woman banting. For breakfast she takes a swallow of lukewarm +water and half of a soda cracker. For luncheon she takes the other +half of the cracker and leaves off the water. For dinner she orders +everything on the menu except the date and the name of the proprietor. +She does this in order to give her strength to go on with the treatment. + +No fat man would diet that way; but no matter which way he does diet it +doesn't do him any good. Health exercises only make him muscle-sore and +bring on what the Harvard ball team call the Charles W. Horse; while +banting results in attacks of those kindred complaints--the Mollie K. +Grubbs and the Fan J. Todds. + +Walking is sometimes recommended and the example of the camel is pointed +out, the camel being a creature that can walk for days and days. But, +as has been said by some thinking person, who in thunder wants to be a +camel? The subject of horseback riding is also brought up frequently in +this connection. It is one of the commonest delusions among fat men +that horseback riding will bring them down and make them sylphlike and +willowy. I have several fat men among my lists of acquaintances who +labor under this fallacy. None of them was ever a natural-born horseback +rider; none of them ever will be. I like to go out of a bright morning +and take a comfortable seat on a park bench--one park bench is plenty +roomy enough if nobody else is using it--and sit there and watch these +unhappy persons passing single file along the bridle-path. I sit there +and gloat until by rights I ought to be required to take out a gloater's +license. + +Mind you, I have no prejudice against horseback riding as such. +Horseback riding is all right for mounted policemen and Colonel W. F. +Cody and members of the Stickney family and the party who used to play +Mazeppa in the sterling drama of that name. That is how those persons +make their living. They are suited for it and acclimated to it. It is +also all right for equestrian statues of generals in the Civil War. But +it is not a fit employment for a fat man and especially for a fat man +who insists on trying to ride a hard-trotting horse English style, which +really isn't riding at all when you come right down to cases, but an +outdoor cure for neurasthenia invented, I take it, by a British subject +who was nervous himself and hated to stay long in one place. So, as I +was saying, I sit there on my comfortable park bench and watch +those friends of mine bouncing by, each wearing on his face that set +expression which is seen also on the faces of some men while waltzing, +and on the faces of most women when entertaining their relatives by +marriage. I have one friend who is addicted to this form of punishment +in a violent, not to say a malignant form. He uses for his purpose a +tall and self-willed horse of the Tudor period--a horse with those high +dormer effects and a sloping mansard. This horse must have been raised, +I think, in the knockabout song-and-dance business. Every time he hears +music or thinks he hears it he stops and vamps with his feet. When +he does this my friend bends forward and clutches him round the neck +tightly. I think he is trying to whisper in the horse's ear and beg him +in Heaven's name to forbear; but what he looks like is Santa Claus with +a clean shave, sitting on the combing of a very steep house with his +feet hanging over the eaves, peeking down the chimney to see if the +children are asleep yet. When that horse dies he will still have finger +marks on his throat and the authorities will suspect foul play probably. + +Once I tried it myself. I was induced to scale the heights of a horse +that was built somewhat along the general idea of the Andes Mountains, +only more rugged and steeper nearing the crest. From the ground he +looked to be not more than sixteen hands high, but as soon as I was up +on top of him I immediately discerned that it was not sixteen hands--it +was sixteen miles. What I had taken for the horse's blaze face was +a snow-capped peak. Miss Anna Peck might have felt at home up there, +because she has had the experience and is used to that sort of thing, +but I am no mountain climber myself. + +Before I could make any move to descend to the lower and less rarefied +altitudes the horse began executing a few fancy steps, and he started +traveling sidewise with a kind of a slanting bias movement that was +extremely disconcerting, not to say alarming, instead of proceeding +straight ahead as a regular horse would. I clung there astraddle of his +ridge pole, with my fingers twined in his mane, trying to anticipate +where he would be next, in order to be there to meet him if possible; +and I resolved right then that, if Providence in His wisdom so willed it +that I should get down from up there alive, I would never do so again. +However, I did not express these longings in words--not at that time. At +that time there were only two words in the English language which seemed +to come to me. One of them was "Whoa" and the other was "Ouch," and +I spoke them alternately with such rapidity that they merged into the +compound word "Whouch," which is a very expressive word and one that I +would freely recommend to others who may be situated as I was. + +At that moment, of all the places in the world that I could think +of--and I could think of a great many because the events of my past +life were rapidly flashing past me--as is customary, I am told, in other +cases of grave peril, such as drowning--I say of all the places in the +world there were just two where I least desired to be--one was up on top +of that horse and the other was down under him. But it seemed to be a +choice of the two evils, and so I chose the lesser and got under him. I +did this by a simple expedient that occurred to me at the moment. I fell +off. I was tramped on considerably, and the earth proved to be harder +than it looked when viewed from an approximate height of sixteen miles +up, but I lived and breathed--or at least I breathed after a time +had elapsed--and I was satisfied. And so, having gone through this +experience myself, I am in position to appreciate what any other man +of my general build is going through as I see him bobbing by--the poor +martyr, sacrificing himself as a burnt offering, or anyway a blistered +one--on the high altar of a Gothic ruin of a horse. And, besides, I +know that riding a horse doesn't reduce a fat man. It merely reduces the +horse. + +So it goes--the fat man is always up against it. His figure is +half-masted in regretful memory of the proportions he had once, and +he is made to mourn. Most sports and many gainful pursuits are closed +against him. He cannot play lawn tennis, or, at least according to my +observation, he cannot play lawn tennis oftener than once in two weeks. +In between games he limps round, stiff as a hat tree and sore as a +mashed thumb. Time was when he might mingle in the mystic mazes of the +waltz, tripping the light fantastic toe or stubbing it, as the case may +be. But that was in the days of the old-fashioned square dance, which +was the fat man's friend among dances, and also of the old-fashioned +two-step, and not in these times when dancing is a cross between a +wrestling match, a contortion act and a trip on a roller-coaster, and is +either named for an animal, like the Bunny Hug and the Tarantula Glide, +or for a town, like the Mobile Mop-Up, and the Far Rockaway Rock and the +South Bend Bend. His friends would interfere--or the authorities would. +He can go in swimming, it is true; but if he turns over and floats, +people yell out that somebody has set the life raft adrift; and if he +basks at the water's edge, boats will come in and try to dock alongside +him; and if he takes a sun bath on the beach and sunburns, there's so +everlasting much of him to be sunburned that he practically amounts to a +conflagration. He can't shoot rapids, craps or big game with any degree +of comfort; nor play billiards. He can't get close enough to the table +to make the shots, and he puts all the English on himself and none of it +on the cue ball. + +Consider the gainful pursuits. Think how many of them are denied to the +man who may have energy and ability but is shut out because there are a +few extra terraces on his front lawn. A fat man cannot be a leading man +in a play. Nobody desires a fat hero for a novel. A fat man cannot go +in for aeroplaning. He cannot be a wire-walker or a successful walker +of any of the other recognized brands--track, cake, sleep or floor. He +doesn't make a popular waiter. Nobody wants a fat waiter on a hot day. +True, you may make him bring your order under covered dishes, but +even so, there is still that suggestion of rain on a tin roof that is +distasteful to so many. + +So I repeat that fat people are always getting the worst of it, and I +say again, of all the ills that flesh is heir to, the worst is the flesh +itself. As the poet says--"The world, the flesh and the devil"--and +there you have it in a sentence--the flesh in between, catching the +devil on one side and the jeers of the world on the other. I don't care +what Dr. Woods Hutchinson or any other thin man says! I contend that +history is studded with instances of prominent persons who lost out +because they got fat. Take Cleopatra now, the lady to whom Marc Antony +said: "I am dying, Egypt, dying," and then refrained from doing so for +about nineteen more stanzas. Cleo or Pat--she was known by both names, +I hear--did fairly well as a queen, as a coquette and as a promoter of +excursions on the river--until she fleshened up. Then she flivvered. +Doctor Johnson was a fat man and he suffered from prickly heat, and from +Boswell, and from the fact that he couldn't eat without spilling most +of the gravy on his second mezzanine landing. As a thin and spindly +stripling Napoleon altered the map of Europe and stood many nations on +their heads. It was after he had grown fat and pursy that he landed +on St. Helena and spent his last days on a barren rock, with his arms +folded, posing for steel engravings. Nero was fat, and he had a lot of +hard luck in keeping his relatives--they were almost constantly dying on +him and he finally had to stab himself with one of those painful-looking +old Roman two-handed swords, lest something really serious befall him. +Falstaff was fat, and he lost the favor of kings in the last act. Coming +down to our own day and turning to a point no farther away than the +White House at Washington--but have we not enough examples without +becoming personal? Yes, I know Julius Caesar said: "Let me have men +about me that are fat." But you bet it wasn't in the heated period when +J. Caesar said that! + + + + +TEETH + + +One of the most pleasant features about being born, as I conceive it, +is that we are born without teeth. I believe there have been a few +exceptions to this rule--Richard the Third, according to the accounts, +came into the world equipped with all his teeth and a perfectly +miserable disposition; and once in a while, especially during Roosevelt +years, when the Colonel's picture is hanging on the walls of so many +American homes, we read in the paper that a baby has just been born +somewhere with a full set, and even, as in the case of the infant son +of a former member of the Rough Riders, with nose glasses and a +close-cropped mustache. This, however, may have been a pardonable +exaggeration of the real facts. As I recall now, it was reported in a +dispatch to the New York Tribune from Lover's Leap, Iowa, during the +presidential campaign eight years ago. + +In the main, though, we are born without teeth. We are born without a +number of things--clothes for example--although Anthony Comstock is said +to be pushing a law requiring all children to be born with overalls on; +but teeth is the subject which we are now discussing. This absence of +teeth tends to give the very young of our species the appearance in the +face of an old fashioned buckskin purse with the draw string broken, but +be that as it may, we are generally fairly well content with life until +the teeth begin to come. + +First there are the milk teeth. Right there our troubles start. To use +the term commonly in use, we cut them, although as a matter of fact, +they cut us--cut them with the aid of some such mussy thing as a +toothing ring or the horny part of the nurse's thumb, or the reverse +side of a spoon--cut them at the cost of infinite suffering, not only +for ourselves but for everybody else in the vicinity. And about the time +we get the last one in we begin to lose the first one out. They go one +at a time, by falling out, or by being yanked out, or by coming out of +their own accord when we eat molasses taffy. They were merely what +you might call our Entered Apprentice teeth. We go in now for the full +thirty-two degrees--one degree for each tooth and thirty-two teeth to +a set. By arduous and painful processes, stretching over a period +of years, we get our regular teeth--the others were only +volunteers--concluding with the wisdom teeth, as so called, but it is a +misnomer, because there never is room for them and they have to stand +up in the back row and they usually arrive with holes in them, and if we +really possessed any wisdom we would figure out some way of abolishing +them altogether. They come late and crowd their way in and push the +other teeth out of line and so we go about for months with the top of +our mouths filled with braces and wires and things, so that when we +breathe hard we sob and croon inside of ourselves like an Aeolean harp. + +But in any event we get them all and no sooner do we get them than we +begin to lose them. They develop cavities and aches and extra roots and +we spend a good part of our lives and most of our substance with the +dentist. Nevertheless, in spite of all we can do and all he can do, we +keep on losing them. And after awhile, they are all gone and our face +folds up on us like a crush hat or a concertina and from our brow to our +chin we don't look much more than a third as long as we used to look. +We dislike this folded-up appearance naturally--who wouldn't? And we get +tired of living on spoon victuals and the memory of past beef-steaks. So +we go and get some false ones made. They have to be made to order; +there appears to be no market for custom made teeth; you never see any +hand-me-down teeth advertised, guaranteed to fit any face and withstand +a damp climate. Getting them made to order is a long and unhappy process +and I will pass over it briefly. Having got them, we find that they do +not fit us or that we do not fit them, which comes to the same thing. +The dentist makes them fit by altering us some and the teeth some, and +after some months they quit feeling as though they didn't belong to us +but had been borrowed temporarily from somebody's loan collection of +ceramics. + +But just about the time they are becoming acclimated and we are getting +used to them, the interior of our mouth for private reasons best known +to itself changes around materially and we either have to go back and +start all over and go through the whole thing again, or else haply we +die and pass on to the bourne from which no traveller returneth either +with his teeth or without them. If Shakespeare had only thought of +it--and he did think of a number of things from time to time--he might +have divided his Seven Ages of Man much better by making them the Seven +Ages of Teeth as follows: First age--no tooth; second age--milk teeth; +third age--losing 'em; fourth age--getting more teeth; fifth +age--losing 'em; sixth age--getting false teeth and finding they aren't +satisfactory; seventh age--toothless again. + +I knew a man once who was a gunsmith and lost all his teeth at a +comparatively early age. He went along that way for years. He had to +eschew the tenderloin for the reason that he couldn't chew it, and he +had to cut out hickory nut cake and corn on the ear and such things. But +there is nothing about the art of gunsmithing which seems to call for +teeth, so he got along very well, living in a little house with the wife +of his bosom and a faithful housedog named Ponto. But when he was past +sixty he went and got himself some teeth from the dentist. He did this +without saying anything about it at home; he was treasuring it up for a +surprise. The corner stone was laid in May and the scaffolding was all +up by July and in August the new teeth were dedicated with suitable +ceremonies. + +They altered his appearance materially. His nose and chin which had been +on terms of intimacy now rubbed each other a last fond good-bye and his +face lost that accordion-pleated look and straightened out and became +about six or seven inches longer from top to bottom. He now had a sort +of determined aspect like the iron jawed lady in a circus, whereas +before his face had the appearance of being folded over and wadded +down inside of his neck band, so his hat could rest comfortably on his +collar. He knew he was altered, but he didn't realize how much he was +altered until he went home that evening and walked proudly in the front +gate. His wife who was timid about strangers, slammed the door right in +his face and faithful Ponto came out from under the porch steps and bit +him severely in the calf of the leg. There was only one consolation +in it for him--for the first time in a long number of years he was in +position to bite back. + +And that's how it is with teeth--with your teeth let us say--for right +here I'm going to drop the personal pronoun and speak of them as your +teeth from now on. If anybody has to suffer it might as well be you and +not me; I expect to be busy telling about it. As I started to say awhile +ago, you--remember it's you from this point--you get your regular teeth +and they start right in giving you trouble. Every little while one of +them bursts from its cell with a horrible yell and in the lulls between +pangs you go forth among men with the haunted look in your eye of one +who is listening for the footfalls of a dread apparition, and one half +of your head is puffed out of plumb as though you were engaged in the +whimsical idea of holding an egg plant in the side of your jaw. A kind +friend meets you, and, speaking with that high courage and that lofty +spirit of sacrifice which a kind friend always exhibits when it's your +tooth that is kicking up the rumpus and not his, he tells you you ought +to have something done for it right away. You know that as well as he +does, but you hate to have the subject brought up. It's your toothache +anyhow. It originated with you. You are its proud parent but not so +awfully proud at that. Mother and child doing as well as could be +expected, but not expected to do very well. + +But these friends of yours keep on shoving their free advice on you and +the tooth keeps on getting worse and worse until the pain spreads all +through the First Ward and finally you grab your resolution in both +hands to keep it from leaking out between your fingers and you go to the +dentist's. + +This happens so many times that after awhile you lose count and so would +the dentist, if he didn't write your name down every time in his little +red book with pleasingly large amounts entered opposite to it. It seems +to you that you are always doing something for your teeth? You have them +pulled and pushed and shoved and filled and unfilled and refilled and +excavated and blasted and sculptured and scroll-sawed and a lot of other +things that you wouldn't think could be done legally without a building +permit. As time passes on, the inside of your once well-tilled and +commodious head becomes but little more than a recent site. Your vaults +have been blown and most of your contents abstracted by Amalgam Mike +and Dental Slim, the Demon Yeggmen of the Human Face. You are merely the +scattered clews left behind for the authorities to work on; you are the +faint traces of the fiendish crime. You are the point marked X. + +But all along there is generally one tooth that has behaved herself like +a lady. Other teeth may have betrayed your confidence but Old Faithful +has hung on, attending to business, asking only for standing room and +kind treatment. The others you may view with alarm, but to this tooth +you can point with pride. But have a care--she is deceiving you. + +Some night you go to bed and have a dream. In your dream it seems to you +that a fox terrier is chasing a woodchuck around and around the inside +of your head. In that tangled sort of fashion peculiar to dreams your +sympathy seems to go out first to the fox terrier and then to the +woodchuck as they circle about nimbly, leaping from your tonsils to your +larynx and then up over the rafters in the roof of your mouth and down +again and pattering over the sub-maxillary from side to side. But about +then you wake up with a violent start and decide that any sympathy +you may have in stock should be reserved for personal use exclusively, +because at this moment the dog trees the woodchuck at the base of +that cherished tooth of yours and starts to dig him out. He is a very +determined dog and very active, but he needs a manicure. You are struck +by that fact almost immediately. + +Uttering some of those trite and commonplace remarks that are customary +for use under such circumstances and yet are so futile to express +one's real sentiments, you arise and undertake to pacify the infuriated +creature with household remedies. You try to lure him away with a wad +of medicated cotton stuck on the end of a parlor match. But arnica is +evidently an acquired taste with him. He doesn't seem to care for it any +more than you do. You begin to dress, using one hand to put your clothes +on with and the other to hold the top of your head on. At this important +juncture, the dog tears down the last remaining partitions and nails the +woodchuck. The woodchuck is game--say what you will about the habits and +customs of the woodchuck you have to hand it to him there--he's game as +a lion. He fights back desperately. Intense excitement reigns throughout +the vicinity. While the struggle wages you get your clothes on and wait +for daylight to come, which it does in from eight to ten weeks. Norway +is not the only place where the nights are six months long. + +There is nobody waiting at the dentist's when you get there, it being +early. You are willing to wait. At a barber shop it may be different but +at a dentist's you are always willing to wait, like a gentleman. But the +sinewy young man who is sitting in the front parlor reading the Hammer +Thrower's Gazette, welcomes you with a false air of gaiety entirely out +of keeping with the circumstances and invites you to step right in. He +tells you that you are next. This is wrong--if you were next you would +turn and flee like a deer. Not being next, you enter. Right from the +start you seem to take a dislike to this young man. You catch him +spitting in his hands and hitching his sleeves up as you are hanging up +your hat. Besides he is too robust for a dentist. With those shoulders +he ought to be a boiler maker or a safe mover or something of that sort. +You resolve inwardly that next time you go to a dentist you are going to +one of a more lady-like bearing and gentler demeanor. It seems a +brutal thing that a big strong man should waste his years in a dental +establishment when the world is clamoring for strong men to do the heavy +lifting jobs. But before you can say anything, this muscular athlete has +laid violent hands on your palpitating form and wadded it abruptly into +the hideous embraces of a red plush chair, which looks something like +the one they use up at Sing Sing, only it's done more quickly up there +and with less suffering on the part of the condemned. On one side of +you you behold quite a display of open plumbing and on the other side +a tasty exhibit of small steel tools of assorted sizes. No matter which +way your gaze may stray you'll be seeing something attractive. + +You also take notice of an electric motor about large enough, you would +say, to run a trolley car, which is purring nearby in a sinister and +forbidding way. They are constantly making these little improvements +in the dental profession. I have heard that fifty years ago a dentist +traveled about over the country from place to place, sometimes pulling a +tooth and sometimes breaking a colt. He practiced his art with an outfit +consisting of two pairs of iron forceps--one pair being saber-toothed +while the other pair was merely saw-fretted--and he gave a man the same +kind of treatment he gave a horse, only he tied the horse's legs first. +But now electricity is in general use and no dentist's establishment is +complete without a dynamo attachment which makes a crooning sound when +in operation and provides instrumental accompaniment to the song of the +official canary. + +I know why a barber in a country town is always learning to play on the +guitar and I know why a man with an emotional Adam's apple always wears +an open front collar. I know these things, but am debarred from telling +them by reason of a solemn oath. But I have not yet been able to +discover why every dentist keeps a canary in his office. Nor do I know +why it is, just as you settle your neck back on a head rest that's every +bit as comfortable as an anvil, and just as a dentist climbs into you +as far as the arm pits and begins probing at the bottom of a tooth which +has roots extending back behind your ears, like an old-fashioned pair of +spectacles, that the canary bird should wipe his nose on a cuttle bone +and dash into a melodious outburst of two hundred thousand twitters, +all of them being twitters of the same size, shape, and color. For that +matter, I don't even know what kind of an animal a cuttle is, although I +should say from the shape of his bone as used by the canary instead of +a pocket handkerchief, that he is circular and flat and stands on +edge only with the utmost difficulty. If you will pardon my temporary +digressions into the realm of natural history, we will now return to the +main subject, which was your tooth. + +The moment the muscular young man starts up his motor and gives the +canary its music cue and begins pawing over his tool collection to pick +out a good sharp one, you recover. All of a sudden you feel fine, and +so does the tooth. Neither one of you ever felt better. The fox terrier +must have killed the woodchuck and then committed suicide. You are +about to mention this double tragedy and beg the young man's pardon for +causing him any trouble and excuse yourself and go away, but just then +he quits feeling of his biceps and suddenly seizes you by your features +and undoes them. If you are where you can catch a glimpse of yourself in +a mirror you will immediately note how much the human face divine can be +made to look like an old-fashioned red brick Colonial fire place. + +There are likely to be several things you would like to talk about. You +are full of thoughts seeking utterance. For one thing you want to tell +him you don't think the brand of soap he uses on his hands is going to +agree with you at all. You probably don't care personally for the way +your barber's thumb tastes either, but a barber's thumb is Peaches +Melba alongside of a dentist's. Before you can say anything though he +discovers a cavity or orifice of some sort in the base of your tooth. +It seems to give him pleasure. Filled with intense gratification by this +discovery and fired moreover by the impetuous ardor of the chase, he +grabs up a crochet needle with a red hot stinger on the end of it and +jabs it down your tooth to a point about opposite where your suspenders +fork in the back. + +You have words with him then, or at least you start to have words with +him, but he puts his knee in your chest and tells you that it really +doesn't hurt at all, but is only your imagination, and utters other +soothing remarks of that general nature. He then exchanges the crochet +needle for a kind of an instrument with a burr on the end of it. This +instrument first came into use at the time of the Spanish Inquisition +but has since been greatly improved on and brought right up to date. He +takes this handy little utensil and proceeds to stir up your imagination +some more. You again try to say something, speaking in a muffled tone, +but he is not listening. He is calling to a brother assassin in +the adjoining room to come and see a magnificent example of a prime +old-vatted triple X exposed nerve. So the Second Grave Digger rests his +tools against the palate of his victim and comes in. + +As nearly as you can gather from hearsay evidence, you not being an eye +witness yourself, one of them harpoons the nerve just back of the gills +with a nutpick--remember please it is your nerve that they are taking +all these liberties with--and pulls it out of its retreat and the other +man takes a tack hammer and tries to beat its brains out. Any time he +misses the nerve he hits you, so his average is still a thousand, and +it is fine practice for him. A pleasant time is had by everybody present +except you and the nerve. The nerve wraps its hind legs around your +breastbone and hangs on desperately. You perspire freely and make noises +like a drunken Zulu trying to sing a Swedish folk song while holding a +spoonful of hot mush in his mouth. + +In time becoming wearied even of these congenial diversions and tiring +of the shop talk that has been going on, the second dentist returns +to his original prey and the party who has you in charge tries a new +experiment. He arms himself with a kind of an automatic hammering +machine, somewhat similar to the steam riveter used in constructing +steel office buildings, except that this one is more compact and can +deliver about eighty-five more blows to the second. Thus equipped, he +descends far below your high water mark and engages in aquatic sports +and pastimes for a considerable period of time. It seems to you that you +never saw a man who could go down and stay down as long as this young +man can. You begin to feel that you misjudged his real vocation in life +when you decided that he ought to be a boiler maker. You know that he +was intended for pearl fishing. He's a natural born deep sea diver. He +doesn't even have to come up to breathe, but stays below, knee deep in +your tide wash, merrily knocking chunks off your lowermost coral reefs +with his little steam riveter and having a perfectly lovely time. + +You are overflowing copiously and you wish he would take the time to +stop and bail you out. You abhor the idea of being drowned as an inside +job. But no, he keeps right on and along about here it is customary for +you to swoon away. + +On recovering, you observe that he has changed his mind again. He is now +going in for amateur theatricals and is using you for a theatre. First +thoughtfully draping a little rubber drop curtain across your proscenium +arch to keep you from seeing what is going on behind your own scenes, he +is setting the stage for the thrilling sawmill scene in Blue Jeans. You +can distinctly feel the circular saw at work and you can taste a hod of +mortar and a bucket of hot tar and one thing and another that have been +left in the wings. You also judge that the insulation is burning off of +an electric fixture somewhere up stage. + +All this time the tooth is still offering resistance, and eventually the +dentist comes out in front once more and makes a little curtain speech +to you. He has just ascertained that what the tooth really needed was +not filling but pulling. He thought at first that it should be filled +and that is what he has been doing--filling it--but now he knows that +pulling is the indicated procedure. He does not understand how a tooth +that seemed so open could have deceived him. Nevertheless he will now +pull the tooth. + +He pulls her. She does her level best but he pulls her. He harvests +small sections of the gum from time to time and occasionally he stops +long enough to loosen up the roots as far down as your floating ribs. +But he pulls her. He spares no pains to pull that tooth. Or if he spares +any you are not able subsequently to remember what they were. You utter +various loud sounds in a strange and incomprehensible language and he +lays back and braces his knees against your lower jaw, and the tooth +utters the death rattle and begins picking the cover-lid. And then he +gives one final heave and breaks the roots away from the lower part of +your spinal column to which they were adhering, and emerges into the +open panting but triumphant, and holds his trophy up for you to look +at. If you didn't know it was your tooth you would take it for an +old-fashioned china cuspidor that had been neglected by the janitor. + +It was a tooth that you had been prizing for years, but now you wouldn't +have it as a gracious gift. You are through with that tooth forever. You +never want to see it again. + +As for the dentist, he collects the fixed charge for stumpage and +corkage and one thing and another and you come away with a feeling in +the side of your jaw like a vacant lot. Your tongue keeps going over +there to see if it can recognize the old place by the hole where the +foundations used to be. You never realized before what a basement there +was to a tooth. + +As you come out you pass a fresh victim going in and you see the dentist +welcome him and then turn to crank up his motor and you hear the canary +tuning up with a new line of v-shaped twitters. And you are glad that he +is the one who is going in and that you are the one who is coming out. + +Science tells us that the teeth are the hardest things in the human +composition, which is all very well as far as it goes, but what science +should do is to go on and finish the sentence. It means the hardest to +keep. + + + + +HAIR + + +As I remarked in the preceding chapter of this work, one of the +pleasantest features about being born is that we are born without teeth +and other responsibilities. Teeth, like debts and installment payments, +come along later on. It is the same way with hair. + +Born, we are, hairless or comparatively so. We are in a highly +incomplete state at that period of our lives. It takes a fond and doting +parent to detect evidences of an actual human aspect in us. Only the +ears and the mouth appear to be up to the plans and specifications. +There is a mouth which when opened, as it generally is, makes the +rest of the face look like a tire, and there is a pair of ears of +such generous size that only a third one is needed, round at the back +somewhere, to give us the appearance of a loving cup. And we are smocked +and hem-stitched with a million wrinkles apiece, more or less, which +partly accounts for the fact that every newborn infant looks to be about +two hundred years old. And uniformly we have the nice red complexion of +a restaurant lobster. You know that live-broiled look? + +As for our other features, they are more or less rudimentary. Of a +nose there is only what a chemist would call a trace. It seems hard to +imagine that a dinky little nubbin like that, a dimple turned inside +out, as it were, will ever develop into a regular nose, with a capacity +for freckling in the summer and catching cold in the winter--a nose that +you can sneeze through and blow with. There are no eyebrows to speak of +either, and the skull runs up to a sharp point like a pineapple cheese. +Just back of the peak is a kind of soft, dented-in place like a Parker +House roll, and if you touch it we die. In some cases this spot remains +soft throughout life, and these persons grow up and go through railroad +trains in presidential years taking straw votes. + +And, as I said before, there isn't any hair; only on the slopes of the +cheese are some very pale, faint, downy lines, which look as though they +had been sketched on lightly with a very soft drawing pencil and would +wipe off readily. That, however is the inception and beginning of what +afterward becomes, among our race, hair. To look at it you could hardly +believe it, but it is. Barring accidents or backwardness, it continues +to grow from that time on through our childhood, but its behavior is +always a profound disappointment. If the child is a girl and, therefore, +entitled to curly hair, her hair is sure to come in stiff and straight. +If it's a boy, to whom curls will be a curse and a cross of affliction, +he is morally certain to be as curly as a frizzly chicken, and until +he gets old enough to rebel he will wear long ringlets and boys of his +acquaintance will insert cockle-burs and chewing gum into his tresses, +and he will be known popularly as Sissie and otherwise his life with be +made joyous and carefree for him. If a reddish tone of hair is desired +it is certain to grow out yellow or brown or black; and if brown is your +favorite shade you are absolutely sure to be nice and red-headed, with +eyebrows and lashes to match, and so many cowlicks that when you remove +your hat people will think you're wearing two or three halos at once. +Hair rarely or never acts up to its advance notices. + +One of the earliest and most painful recollections of my youth is +associated with hair. I still tingle warmly when I think of it. I should +say I was about eight years old at the time. My mother sent me down the +street to the barber's to have my hair trimmed--shingled was the term +then used. Some of my private collection of cowlicks had begun to +stand up in a way that invited adverse criticism and reminded people +of sunbursts. They made me look as though my hair were trying to pull +itself out by the roots and escape. So I was sent to the barber's. +My little cousin, two years younger, went along in my charge. It was +thought that the performance might entertain her. I was mounted in +a chair and had a cloth tucked in round my neck, like a self-made +millionaire about to eat consomme. The officiating barber got out a +shiny steel instrument with jaws--the first pair of clippers I had ever +seen--and he ran this up the back of my neck, producing a most agreeable +feeling. He reached the top of my head and would have paused but I told +him to go right ahead and clip me close all over, which he did. When he +had finished the job I was so delighted with the sensation and with the +attendant result as viewed in a mirror that I suggested he might give my +little cousin a similar treat. From a mere child I was ever so--willing +always to share my simple pleasures with those about me, especially +where it entailed no inconvenience on my part. I told him my father +would pay the bill for both of us when he came by that night. + +The barber fell in with the suggestion. It has ever been my experience +that a barber will fall in readily with any suggestion whereby the +barber is going to get something out of it for himself. In this instance +he was going to get another quarter, and a quarter went farther in +those days than it does now. I dismounted from the chair and my innocent +little cousin was installed in my place. As I now recall she made no +protest. The barber ran his clippers conscientiously and painstakingly +over her tender young scalp, while I stood admiringly by and watched the +long yellow curls fall writhing upon the floor at my feet. It seemed +to me that a great and manifest improvement was produced in her general +appearance. Instead of being hampered by those silly curls dangling down +all round her face, she now had a round, slick, smooth dome decorated +with a stiff yellowish stubble, and the skin showed through nice and +pink and the ears were well displayed, whereas before they had been +practically hidden. She was also relieved of those foolish bangs hanging +down in her eyes. This, I should have stated, occurred in the period +when womankind of whatsoever age and also some men wore bangs, a disease +from which all have since recovered with the exception of racehorses and +princesses of the various reigning houses of Europe. And now my little +cousin was shut of those annoying bangs, and her forehead ran up so high +that you had to go round behind her to see where it left off. + +Filled with a joyous sense of achievement and conscious of a kindly +deed worthily performed, I took my little cousin by her hand and led her +home. + +My mother was waiting for us at the front door. She seemed surprised +when I took off my hat and gave her a look, but that wasn't a +circumstance to her surprise when I proudly took off my little cousin's +cap. She uttered a kind of a strangled cry and my cousin's mother came +running, and the way she carried on was scandalous and ill-timed. I will +draw a veil over the proceedings of the next few minutes. At the time it +would have been a source of great personal gratification and comfort to +me if I could have drawn a number of veils, good, thick, woolen ones, +over the proceedings. My mother wept, my aunt wept, my little cousin +wept, and I am not ashamed to state that I wept quite copiously myself. +But I had more provocation to weep than any of them. + +When this part of the affair was over my mother sent me back to the +barber with a message. I was to say that a heart-broken woman demanded +to have the curls of which her darling child had been denuded. I believe +that there was some idea entertained of sewing them into a cap and +requiring my cousin to wear the cap until new ones had sprouted. Even to +me, a mere child of eight, this seemed a foolish and totally unnecessary +proceeding, but the situation had already become so strained that I +thought it the part of prudence to go at once without offering any +arguments of my own. I felt, anyhow, that I would rather be away from +the house for a while, until calmer second judgment had succeeded +excitement and tumult. + +The man who owned the barber shop seemed surprised when I delivered the +message, but he told me to come back in a few minutes and he'd do what +he could. I drifted on down to the confectionery store at the corner to +forget my sorrows for the moment in a worshipful admiration of a display +of prize boxes and cracknels in glass-front cases--you should be able to +fix the period by the fact that cracknels and prize boxes were still in +vogue among the young. When I returned the head barber handed me quite a +large box--a shoebox--with a string tied round it. It did not seem +possible to me that my cousin could have had a whole shoebox full of +curls, but things had been going pretty badly that afternoon and my +motives had been misjudged and everything, so without any talk I took +the box and hurried home with it. My mother cut the string and my aunt +lifted the lid. + +I should prefer again to draw a veil over the scenes that now ensued, +but the necessity of finishing this narrative requires me to state that +it being a Saturday and the head barber being a busy man, he had not +taken time to sort out my cousin's curls from among the flotsam and +jetsam of his establishment, but had just swept up enough off the +floor to make a good assorted boxful. I think the oldest inhabitant had +probably dropped in that day to have himself trimmed up a little round +the edges. I seem to remember a quantity of sandy whiskers shot with +gray. There was enough hair in that box and enough different kinds and +colors of hair and stuff to satisfy almost any taste, you would have +thought, but my mother and aunt were anything but satisfied. On the +contrary, far from it. And yet my cousin's hair was all there, if they +had only been willing to spend a few days sorting it out and separating +it from the other contents. + +In this particular instance I was the exception to the rule, that hair +generally gives a boy no great trouble from the time he merges out of +babyhood until he puts on long pants and begins to discern something +strangely and subtly attractive about the sex described by Mr. Kipling +as being the more deadly of the species. During this interim it is a +matter of no moment to a boy whether he goes shaggy or cropped, shorn or +unshorn. At intervals a frugal parent trims him to see if both his ears +are still there, or else a barber does it with more thoroughness, often +recovering small articles of household use that have been mysteriously +missing for months; but in the main he goes along carefree and +unbarbered, not greatly concerned with putting anything in his head or +taking anything off of it. + +In due season, though, he reaches the age where adolescent whiskers and +young romance begin to sprout out on him simultaneously--and from that +moment on for the rest of his life his hair is giving him bother, and +plenty of it. + +Your hair gives you bother as long as you have it and more bother when +it starts to go. You are always doing something for it and it is always +showing deep-dyed ingratitude in return; or else the dye isn't deep +enough, which is even worse. Hair is responsible for such byproducts as +dandruff, barbers, wigs, several comic weeklies, mental anguish, added +expense, Chinese revolutions, and the standard joke about your wife's +using your best razor to open a can of tomatoes with. Hair has been of +aid to Buffalo Bill, Little Lord Fauntleroy, Samson, The Lady Godiva, +Jo-Jo, the Dog-Faced Boy, poets, pianists, some artists and most +mattress makers, but a drawback and a sorrow to Absalom, polar bears in +captivity and the male sex in general. + +This assertion goes not only for hair on the head but for hair on the +face. Let us consider for a moment the matter of shaving. If you shave +yourself you excite a barber's contempt, and there is nobody whose +contempt the average man dreads more than a barber's, unless it is +a waiter's. And on the other hand, if you let a barber shave you he +excites not your contempt particularly, but your rage and frequently +your undying hatred. Once in a burst of confidence a barber told me one +of the trade secrets of his profession--he said that among barbers every +face fell into one of three classes, it being either a square, a round +or a squirrel. I know not, reader, whether yours be a square or a +round or a squirrel, but this much I will chance on a venture, sight +unseen--that you have your periods of intense unhappiness when you are +being shaved. + +I do not refer so much to the actual process of being shaved. Indeed +there is something restful and soothing to the average male adult in +the feel of a sharp razor being guided over a bristly jowl by a deft +and skillful hand, to the accompaniment of a gentle grating sound and +followed by a sensation of transient silken smoothness. Nor do I refer +to the barber's habit of conversation. After all, a barber is human--he +has to talk to somebody, and it might as well be you. If he didn't have +you to talk to he'd have to talk to another barber, and that would be no +treat to him. + +What I do refer to is that which precedes a shave and more especially +that which follows after it. You rush in for a shave. In ten minutes you +have an engagement to be married or something else important, and you +want a shave and you want it quick. Does the barber take cognizance of +the emergency? He does not. Such would be contrary to the ethics of his +calling. Knowing from your own lips that you want a shave and that's +positively all, he nevertheless is instantly filled with a burning +desire to equip you with a large number of other things. In this regard +the barbering profession has much in common with the haberdashering +or gents'-furnishing profession as practiced in our larger cities. You +invade a haberdashering establishment for the purpose, let us say, of +investing in a plain and simple pair of half hose, price twenty-five +cents. That emphatically is all that you do desire. You so state in +plain, simple language, using the shorter and uglier word socks. + +Does the youth in the pale mauve shirt with the marquise ring on the +little finger of the left hand rest content with this? Need I answer +this question? In succession he tries to sell you a fancy waistcoat with +large pearl buttons, a broken lot of silk pajamas, a bath-robe, some +shrimp-pink underwear--he wears this kind himself he tells you in strict +confidence--a pair of plush suspenders and a knitted necktie that you +wouldn't be caught wearing at twelve o'clock at night at the bottom of +a coal mine during a total eclipse of the moon. If you resist his +blandishments and so far forget that you are a gentleman as to use harsh +language, and if you insist on a pair of socks and nothing else, he'll +let you have them, but he will never feel the same toward you as he did. + +'Tis much the same with a barber. You need a shave in a hurry and he is +willing that you should have a shave, he being there for that purpose, +but first and last he can think of upward of thirty or forty other +things that you ought to have, including a shampoo, a hair cut, a hair +singe, a hair tonic, a hair oil, a manicure, a facial massage, a scalp +massage, a Turkish bath, his opinion on the merits of the newest White +Hope, a shoeshine, some kind of a skin food, and a series of comparisons +of the weather we are having this time this month with the weather we +were having this time last month. Not all of us are gifted with the +power of repartee by which my friend Frisbee turned the edge of the +barber's desires. + +"Your hair," said the barber, fondling a truant lock, "is long." + +"I know it is," said Frisbee. "I like it long. It's so Roycrofty." + +"It is very long," said the barber with a wistful expression. + +"I like it very long," said Frisbee. "I like to have people come up to +me on the street and call me Mr. Sutherland and ask me how I left +my sisters? I like to be mistaken for a Russian pianist. I like for +strangers to stop me and ask me how's everything up at East Aurora. In +short, I like it long." + +"Yes, sir," said the barber, "quite so, sir; but it's very long, +particularly here in the back--it covers your coat collar." + +"Indeed?" said Frisbee. "You say it covers my coat collar?" + +"Yes, sir," said the barber. "You can't see the coat collar at all." + +"Have you got a good sharp pair of shears there?" said Frisbee. + +"Oh, yes, sir," said the barber. + +"All right then," said Frisbee; "cut the collar off." + +But not all of us, as I said before, have this ready gift of parry and +thrust that distinguishes my friend Frisbee. Mostly we weakly surrender. +Or if we refuse to surrender, demanding just a shave by itself and +nothing else, what then follows? In my own case, speaking personally, I +know exactly what follows. I do not like to have any powder dabbed on my +face when I am through shaving. I believe in letting the bloom of youth +show through your skin, providing you have any bloom of youth to do +so. I always take pains to state my views in this regard at least twice +during the operation of being shaved--once at the start when the barber +has me all lathered up, with soapsuds dripping from the flanges of my +shell-like ears and running down my neck, and once again toward the +close of the operation, when he has laid aside his razor and is sousing +my defenseless features in a liquid that smells and tastes a good deal +like those scented pink blotters they used to give away at drug-stores +to advertise somebody's cologne. + +Does the barber respect my wishes in this regard? Certainly not. He +insists on powdering me, either before my eyes or surreptitiously and in +a clandestine manner. If he didn't powder me up he would lose his sense +of self-respect, and probably the union would take his card away +from him. I think there is something in the constitution and by-laws +requiring that I be powdered up. I have fought the good fight for +years, but I'm always powdered. Sometimes the crafty foe dissembles. He +pretends that he is not going to powder me up. But all of a sudden when +my back is turned, as it were, he grabs up his powder swab and makes a +quick swoop upon me and the hellish deed is done. I should be pleased to +hear from other victims of this practice suggesting any practical relief +short of homicide. I do not wish to kill a barber--there are several +other orders in ahead, referring to the persons I intend to kill off +first--but I may be driven to it. + +After he has gashed me casually hither and yen, and sluiced down my +helpless countenance with the carefree abandon of a livery-stable hand +washing off a buggy, and after, as above stated, he has covered up the +traces of his crime with powder, the barber next takes a towel and folds +it over his right hand, as prescribed in the rules and regulations, and +then he dabs me with that towel on various parts of my face nine hundred +and seventy-four--974--separate and distinct times. I know the exact +number of dabs because I have taken the trouble to keep count. I may +be in as great a hurry as you can imagine; I may be but a poor nervous +wreck already, as I am; I may be quivering to be up and away from there, +but he dabs me with his towel--he dabs me until reason totters on her +throne--sometimes just a tiny tot, as the saying goes, or it may be that +the whole cerebral structure is involved--and then when he is apparently +all through the Demoniac Dabber comes back and dabs me one more +fiendish, deliberate and premeditated dab, making nine hundred and +seventy-five dabs in all. He has to do it; it's in the ritual that I and +you and everybody must have that last dab. I wonder how many gibbering +idiots there are in the asylum today whose reason was overthrown by +being dabbed that last farewell dab. I know from my own experience that +I can feel the little dark-green gibbers sloshing round inside of me +every time it happens, and some day my mind will give away altogether +and there'll be a hurry call sent in for the wagon with the lock on the +back door. Yet it is of no avail to cavil or protest; we cannot hope to +escape; we can only sit there in mute and helpless misery and be filled +with a great envy for Mexican hairless dogs. + +For quite a spell now we have been speaking of hair on the face; at this +point we revert to hair in its relation to the head. There are some few +among us, mainly professional Southerners and leading men, who retain +the bulk of the hair on their heads through life; but with most of us +the circumstances are different. Your hair goes from you. You don't +seem to notice it at first; then all of a sudden you wake up to the +realization that your head is working its way up through the hair. You +start in then desperately doing things for your hair in the hope of +inducing it to stick round the old place a while longer, but it has +heard the call of the wild and it is on its way. There's no detaining +it. You soak your skull in lotions until your brain softens and your +hat-band gets moldy from the damp, but your hair keeps right on going. + +After a while it is practically gone. If only about two-thirds of it is +gone your head looks like a great auk's egg in a snug nest; but if +most of it goes there is something about you that suggests the Glacial +Period, with an icy barren peak rising high above the vegetation line, +where a thin line of heroic strands still cling to the slopes. You are +bald then, a subject fit for the japes of the wicked and universally +coupled in the betting with onions, with hard-boiled eggs and with the +front row of orchestra chairs at a musical show. + +At this time of writing baldness is creeping insidiously up each side of +my head. It is executing flank movements from the temples northward, and +some day the two columns will meet and after that I'll be considerably +more of a highbrow than I am now. At present I am craftily combing the +remaining thatch in the middle and smoothing it out nice and flat, so +as to keep those bare spots covered--thinly perhaps, but nevertheless +covered. It is my earnest desire to continue to keep them covered. I +am not a professional beauty; I am not even what you would call a good +amateur beauty; and I want to make what little hair I have go as far as +it conveniently can. But does the barber to whom I repair at frequent +intervals coincide with my desires in this respect? Again I reply he +does not. Every time I go in I speak to him about it. I say to him: +"Woodman, spare that hair, touch not a single strand; in youth it +sheltered me and I'll protect it now." Or in substance that. + +He says yes, he will, but he doesn't mean it. He waits until he can +catch me with my guard down. Then he seizes a comb, and using the edge +of his left hand as a bevel and operating his right with a sort of +free-arm Spencerian movement, he roaches my hair up in a scallop effect +on either side, and upon reaching the crest he fights with it and +wrestles with it until he makes it stand erect in a feather-edged +design. I can tell by his expression that he is pleased with this +arrangement. He loves to send his victims forth into the world tufted +like the fretful cockatoo. He likes to see surging waves of hair dash +high on a stern and rockbound head. His sense of the artistic demands +such a result. + +What cares he how I feel about it so long as the higher cravings of +his own nature are satisfied? But I resent it--I resent it bitterly. +I object to having my head look like a real-estate development with an +opening for a new street going up each side and an ornamental design in +fancy landscape gardening across the top. If I permit this I won't be +able to keep on saying that I was twenty-seven on my last birthday, with +some hope of getting away with it. So I insist that he put my front +hair right back where he found it. He does so, under protest and +begrudgingly, it is true, but he does it. And then, watching his +opportunity, he runs in on me and overpowers me and roaches it up some +more. + +If I weaken and submit he is happy as the day is long. If he gets it +roached up on both sides that will make me look like a horizontal-bar +performer, which is his idea of manly beauty. Or if he gets it roached +up on one side only there is still some consolation in it for him I'm +liable to be mistaken anywhere for a trained-animal performer. But once +in a very great while he doesn't get it roached up on either side, but +has to stand there and suffer as he sees me walk forth into the world +with my hair combed to suit me and not him. I can tell by his look that +he is grieved and downcast, and that he will probably go home and be +cross to the children. He has but one solace--he hopes to have better +luck with me next time. And probably he will. + +The last age of hair is a wig. But wigs are not so very satisfactory +either. I've seen all the known varieties of wigs, and I never saw one +yet that looked as though it were even on speaking terms with the head +that was under it. A wig always looks as though it were a total stranger +to the head and had just lit there a minute to rest, preparatory to +flying along to the next head. Nevertheless, I think on the whole I'll +be happier when my time comes to wear one, because then no barber can +roach me up. + + + + +HANDS AND FEET + + +Nearly every boy has a period in his life when he is filled with +an envious admiration for the East India god with the extra set of +arms--Vishnu, I think this party's name is. To a small boy it seems a +grand thing to have a really adequate assortment of hands. He considers +the advantage of such an arrangement in school--two hands in plain view +above the desk holding McGuffy's Fourth Reader at the proper angle for +study and the other two out of sight, down underneath the desk engaged +in manufacturing paper wads or playing crack-a-loo or some other really +worth while employment. + +Or for robbing birds' nests. There would be two hands for use in +skinning up the tree, and one hand for scaring off the mother bird and +one hand for stealing the eggs. And for hanging on behind wagons the +combination positively could not be beaten. Then there would be the +gaudy conspicuousness of going around with four arms weaving in and +out in a kind of spidery effect while less favored boys were forced to +content themselves with just an ordinary and insufficient pair. Really, +there was only one drawback to the contemplation of this scheme--there'd +be twice as many hands to wash when company was coming to dinner. + +Generally speaking a boy's hands give him no serious concern during the +first few years of his life except at such times as his mother grows +officious and fussy and insists that they ought to be washed up as far +as the regular place for washing a boy's hands, to wit, about midway +between the knuckles and the wrist. The fact that one finger is usually +in a state of mashedness is no drawback, but a benefit. The presence +of a soiled rag around a finger gives to a boy's hand a touch of +distinctiveness--singles it out from ordinary unmaimed hands. Its +presence has been known to excuse its happy possessor from such chores +as bringing in wood for the kitchen stove or pulling dock weeds out of +the grass in a front yard where it would be much easier and quicker to +pull the grass out of the dock weeds. It may even be made a source of +profit by removing the wrappings and charging two china marbles a look. +I seem to recall that in the case of a specially attractive injury, such +as a thumb nail knocked off or a deep cut which has refused to heal by +first intention or an imbedded splinter in process of being drawn out +by a scrap of fat meat, that as much as four china marbles could be +charged. + +On the Fourth of July you occasionally burned your hands and in cold +winters they chapped extensively across the knuckles but these were but +the marks and scars of honorable endeavor and a hardy endurance. In +our set the boy whose knuckles had the deepest cracks in them was +a prominent and admired figure, crowned, as you might say, with an +imaginary chaplet by reason of his chaps. + +With girls, of course, it was different. + +Girls were superfluous and unnecessary creatures with a false and +inflated idea of the value of soap and water. Their hands weren't +good for much anyway. Later on we discovered that a girl's hands were +excellent for holding purposes in a hammock or while coming back from +a straw ride, but I am speaking now of the earlier stages of our +development, before the presence of the ostensibly weaker sex began to +awaken responsive throbs in our several bosoms--in short when girls were +merely nuisances and things to be ignored whenever possible. In that +early stage of his existence hands have no altruistic or sentimental or +ornamental value for a boy--they are for useful purposes altogether and +are regarded as such. + +It is only when he has reached the age of tail coats and spike-fence +collars that he discovers two hands are frequently too many and often +not enough. They are too many at your first church wedding when wearing +your first pair of white kids and they are not enough at a five o'clock +tea. There is a type of male who can go to a five o'clock tea and not +fall over a lot of Louie Kahn's furniture or get himself hopelessly +tangled up in a hanging drapery and who can seem perfectly at ease while +holding in his hands a walking stick, a pair of dove colored gloves, +a two-quart hat, a cup of tea with a slice of lemon peel in it, a tea +spoon, a lump of sugar, a seed cookie, an olive, and the hand of a lady +with whom he is discussing the true meaning of the message of the late +Ibsen but these gifted mortals are not common. They are rare and exotic. +There are also some few who can do ushing at a church wedding with a +pair of white kids on and not appear overly self-conscious. These are +also the exceptions. The great majority of us suffer visibly under +such circumstances. You have the feeling that each hand weighs fully +twenty-four pounds and that it is hanging out of the sleeve for a +distance of about one and three-quarters yards and you don't know what +to do with your hands and on the whole would feel much more comfortable +and decorative if they were both sawed off at the wrists and hidden some +place where you couldn't find 'em. You have that feeling and you look +it. You look as though you were working in a plaster of paris factory +and were carrying home a couple of large sacks of samples. It would be +grand to be a Vishnu at a five o'clock tea, but awful to be one at a +church wedding. + +About the time you find yourself embarking on a career of teas and +weddings you also begin to find yourself worrying about the appearance +of your hands. Up until now the hands have given you no great concern +one way or the other, but some day you wake to the realization that you +need to be manicured. Once you catch that disease there is no hope for +you. There are ways of curing you of almost any habit except manicuring. +You get so that you aren't satisfied unless your nails run down about a +quarter of an inch further than nails were originally intended to run, +and unless they glitter freely you feel strangely distraught in company. +Inasmuch as no male creature's finger nails will glitter with the +desired degree of brilliancy for more than twenty-four short and +fleeting hours after a treatment you find yourself constantly in the +act of either just getting a manicure or just getting over one. It is +an expensive habit, too; it takes time and it takes money. There's the +fixed charge for manicuring in the first place and then there's the tip. +Once there was a manicure lady who wouldn't take a tip, but she is now +no more. Her indignant sisters stabbed her to death with hat pins and +nail-files. Manicuring as a public profession is a comparatively recent +development of our civilization. The fathers of the republic and the +founders of the constitution, which was founded first and has been +foundering ever since if you can believe what a lot of people in +Congress say--they knew nothing of manicuring. Speaking by and large, +they only got their thumbs wet when doing one of three things--taking a +bath, going in swimming or turning a page in a book. Washington probably +was never manicured nor Jefferson nor Franklin; it's a cinch that Daniel +Boone and Israel Putnam and George Rogers Clark weren't and yet it is +generally conceded that they got along fairly well without it. But as +the campaign orators are forever pointing out from the hustlers and the +forum, this is an age calling for change and advancement. And manicuring +is one of the advancements that likewise calls for the change--for fifty +cents in change anyhow and more if you are inclined to be generous with +the tip. + +Shall you ever forget your first manicure? The shan'ts are unanimously +in the majority. It seems an easy thing to walk into a manicure parlor +or a barber shop and shove your hands across a little table to a strange +young woman and tell her to go ahead and shine 'em up a bit--the way you +hear old veteran manicurees saying it. It seems easy, I say, and looks +easy; but it isn't as easy as it seems. Until you get hardened, it +requires courage of a very high order. You, the abashed novice, see +other men sitting in the front window of the manicure shop just as +debonair and cozy as though they'd been born and raised there, swapping +the ready repartee of the day with dashing creatures of a frequently +blonde aspect, and you imagine they have always done so. You little know +that these persons who are now appearing so much at home and who can +snap out those bright, witty things like "I gotcher Steve," and "Well, +see who's here?" without a moment's hesitation and without having to +stop and think for the right word or the right phrase but have it right +there on the tip of the tongue--you little reck that they too passed +through the same initiation which you now contemplate. Yet such is the +case. + +You have dress rehearsals--private ones--in your room. In the seclusion +of your bed chamber you picture yourself opening the door of the marble +manicure hall and stepping in with a brisk yet graceful tread--like +James K. Hackett making an entrance in the first act--and glancing about +you casually--like John Drew counting up the house--and saying "Hello +girlies, how're all the little Heart's Delights this afternoon?" just +like that, and picking out the most sumptuous and attractive of the +flattered young ladies in waiting; and sinking easily into the chair +opposite her--see photos of William Faversham and throwing the coat +lapels back, at the same time resting the left hand clenched upon the +upper thigh with the elbow well out--Donald Brian asking a lady to +waltz--and offering the right hand to the favored female and telling her +to go as far as she likes with it. It sounds simple when you figuring it +out alone, but it rarely works out that way in practice. It is my belief +that every woman longs for the novelty of a Turkish bath and every man +for the novelty of a manicure long before either dares to tackle it. +I may be wrong but this is my belief. And in the case of the man he +usually makes a number of false starts. + +You go to the portals and hesitate and then, stumbling across the +threshold, you either dive on through to the barber shop--if there is a +barber shop in connection--or else you mumble something about being in +a hurry and coming back again, and retreat with all the grace and ease +that would be shown by a hard shell crab that was trying to back into +the mouth of a milk-bottle. You are likely to do this several times; +but finally some day you stick. You slump down into one of those little +chairs and offer your hands or one of them to a calm and slightly +arrogant looking young lady and you tell her to please shine them up +a little. You endeavor to appear as though you had been doing this +at frequent periods stretching through a great number of years, but +she--bless her little heart!--she knows better than that. The female +of the manicuring species is not to be deceived by any such cheap and +transparent artifices. If you wore a peekaboo waist she couldn't see +through you any easier. Your hands would give you away if your face +didn't. In a sibulent aside, she addresses the young lady at the next +table--the one with the nine bracelets and the hair done up delicatessen +store mode--sausages, rolls and buns--whereupon both of them laugh in +a significant, silvery way, and you feel the back of your neck setting +your collar on fire. You can smell the bone button back there scorching +and you're glad it's not celluloid, celluloid being more inflammable and +subject to combustion when subjected to intense heat. + +When both have laughed their merry fill, the young woman who has you in +charge looks you right in the eye and says: + +"Dearie me; you'll pardon me saying so, but your nails are in a +perfectly turrible state. I don't think I've seen a jumpman's nails in +such a state for ever so long. Pardon me again--but how long has it been +since you had them did?" + +To which you reply in what is meant to be a jaunty and off-hand tone: + +"Oh quite some little while. I've--I've been out of town." + +"That's what I thought," she says with a slight shrug. It isn't so much +what she says--it's the way she says it, the tone and all that, which +makes you feel smaller and smaller until you could crawl into your own +watch pocket and live happily there ever after. There'd be slews of +room and when you wanted the air of an evening you could climb up in a +buttonhole of your vest and be quite cosy and comfortable. But shrink +as you may, there is now no hope of escape, for she has reached out and +grabbed you firmly by the wrist. She has you fast. You have a feeling +that eight or nine thousand people have assembled behind you and are all +gazing fixedly into the small of your back. The only things about you +that haven't shrivelled up are your hands. You can feel them growing +larger and larger and redder and redder and more prominent and +conspicuous every instant. + +The lady begins operations. You are astonished to note how many tools +and implements it takes to manicure a pair of hands properly. The top of +her little table is full of them and she pulls open a drawer and shows +you some more, ranged in rows. There are files and steel biters and +pigeon-toed scissors and scrapers and polishers and things; and wads of +cotton with which to staunch the blood of the wounded, and bottles of +liquid and little medicinal looking jars full of red paste; and a cut +glass crock with soap suds in it and a whole lot of little orange wood +stobbers. + +In the interest of truth I have taken the pains to enquire and I have +ascertained that these stobbers are invariably of orange wood. Say what +you will, the orange tree is a hardy growth. Every February you read in +the papers that the Florida orange crop, for the third consecutive time +since Christmas has been entirely and totally destroyed by frost and yet +there is always an adequate supply on hand of the principal products +of the orange-phosphate for the soda fountains, blossoms for the bride, +political sentiment for the North of Ireland and little sharp stobbers +for the manicure lady. Speaking as an outsider I would say that there +ought to be other varieties of wood that would serve as well and bring +about the desired results as readily--a good thorny variety of poison +ivy ought to fill the bill, I should think. But it seems that orange +wood is absolutely essential. A manicure lady could no more do a +manicure properly without using an orange wood stobber at certain +periods than a cartoonist could draw a picture of a man in jail without +putting a ball and chain on him or a summer resort could get along +without a Lover's Leap within easy walking distance of the hotel. It +simply isn't done, that's all. + +Well, as I was saying, she gets out her tool kit and goes to work +on you. You didn't dream that there were so many things--mainly of +a painful nature--that could be done to a single finger nail and you +flinch as you suddenly remember that you have ten of them in all, +counting thumbs in with fingers. She takes a finger nail in hand and she +files it and she trims it and she softens it with hot water and hardens +it with chemicals and parboils it a little while and then she cuts off +the hang nails--if there aren't any hang nails there already she'll +make a few--and she shears away enough extra cuticle to cover quite a +good-sized little boy. She goes over you with a bristle brush, and warms +up your nerve ends until you tingle clear back to your dorsal fin and +then she takes one of those orange wood stobbers previously referred to, +and goes on an exploring expedition down under the nail, looking for the +quick. She always finds it. There is no record of a failure to find +the quick. Having found it she proceeds to wake it up and teach it some +parlor tricks. I may not have set forth all these various details in the +exact order in which they take place, but I know she does them all. And +somewhere along about the time when she is half way through with the +first hand she makes you put the other hand in the suds. + +Later on when you have had more practice at this thing you learn to wait +for the signal before plunging the second hand into the suds, but being +green on this occasion, you are apt to mistake the moving of the crock +of suds over from the right hand side to the left hand side as a notice +and to poke your untouched hand right in without further orders, hoping +to get it softened up well so as to save her trouble in trimming it down +to a size which will suit her. But this is wrong--this is very wrong, +as she tells you promptly, with a pitying smile for your ignorance. +Manicure girls are as careful about boiling a hand as some particular +people are about bailing their eggs for breakfast of a morning. A two +minute hand is no pleasure to her absolutely if she has diagnosed your +hand as one calling for six minutes, or vice versa. So, should you err +in this regard she will snatch the offending hand out and wipe it off +and give it back to you and tell you to keep it in a dry place until she +calls for it. Manicure girls are very funny that way. + +Thus time passes on and on and by degrees you begin to feel more and +more at home. Your bashfulness is wearing off. The coherent power of +speech has returned to you and you have exchanged views with her on the +relative merits of the better known brands of chewing gum and which kind +holds the flavor longest, and you have swapped ideas on the issue of +whether ladies should or should not smoke cigarettes in public and she +knows how much your stick pin cost you and you know what her favorite +flower is. You are getting along fine, when all of a sudden she dabs +your nails with a red paste and then snatches up a kind of a polishing +tool and ferociously rubs your fingers until they catch on fire. Just +when the conflagration threatens to become general she stops using the +polisher and proceeds to cool down the ruins by gently burnishing your +nails against the soft, pink palm of her hand. You like this better than +the other way. You could ignite yourself by friction almost any time, +if you got hold of the right kind of a chamois skin rubber, but this is +quite different and highly soothing. You are beginning to really enjoy +the sensation when she roguishly pats the back of your hand--pitty +pat--as a signal that the operation is now over. You pay the check and +tip the lady--tip her fifty cents if you wish to be regarded as a lovely +jumpman or only twenty-five cents if you are satisfied with being a +vurry nice fella--and you secure your hat and step forth into the open +with the feeling of one who has taken a trip into a distant domain and +on the whole has rather enjoyed it. + +You stand in the sunlight and waggle your fingers and you are struck +with the desirable glitter that flits from finger tip to finger tip +like a heleograph winking on a mountain top. It is indeed a pleasing +spectacle. You decide that hereafter you will always glitter so. It is +cheaper than wearing diamonds and much more refined, and so you take +good care of your fingers all that day and carefully refrain from +dipping them in the brine while engaged in the well known indoor sport +of spearing for dill pickles at the business men's lunch. + +But the next morning when you wake up the desirable glitter is gone. +You only glimmer dully--your fingers do not sparkle and dazzle and +scintillate as they did. As Francois Villon, the French poet would +undoubtedly have said had manicures been known at the time he was +writing his poems, "Where are the manicures of yesterday?" instead of +making it, "Where are the snows of yesteryear?" there being no answer +ready for either question, except that the manicures of yesterday like +the snows of yesteryear are never there when you start looking for them. +They have just naturally got up and gone away, leaving no forwarding +address. + +You have now been launched upon your career as a manicuree. You never +get over it. You either get married and your wife does your nails for +you, thus saving you large sums of money, but failing to impart the high +degree of polish and the spice of romance noticed in connection with +the same job when done away from home, or you continue to patronize the +regular establishments and become known in time as Polished Percival, +the Pet of the Manicure Parlor. But in either event your hands which +once were hands and nothing more, have become a source of added trouble +and expense to you. + +Speaking of hands naturally brings one to the subject of feet, which was +intended originally to be the theme for the last half of this chapter, +but unfortunately I find I have devoted so much space to your hands that +there is but little room left for your feet and so far as your feet are +concerned, we must content ourselves on this occasion with a few general +statements. + +Feet, I take it, speaking both from experience and observation, are even +more trouble to us than hands are. There are still a good many of us +left who go through life without doing anything much for our hands but +with our feet it is different. They thrust themselves upon us so to +speak, demanding care and attention. This goes for all sizes and all +ages of feet. From the time you are a small boy and suffer from stone +bruises in the summer and chilblains in the winter, on through life +you're beset with corns and callouses and falling of the instep and all +the other ills that feet are heir to. + +The rich limp with the gout, the moderately well to do content +themselves with an active ingrown nail or so, and the poor man goes out +and drops an iron casting on his toe. Nearly every male who lives to +reach the voting age has a period of mental weakness in his youth when +he wears those pointed shoes that turn up at the ends, like sleigh +runners; and spends the rest of his life regretting it. Feet are +certainly ungrateful things. I might say that they are proverbially +ungrateful. You do for them and they do you. You get one corn, hard or +soft, cured up or removed bodily and a whole crowd of its relatives +come to take its place. I imagine that Nature intended we should go +barefooted and is now getting even with us because we didn't. Our poor, +painful feet go with us through all the years and every step in life is +marked by a pang of some sort. And right on up to the end of our days, +our feet are getting more infirm and more troublesome and more crotchety +and harder to bear with all the time. How many are there right now +who have one foot in the grave and the other at the chiropodist's? +Thousands, I reckon. + +Napoleon said an army traveled on its stomach. I don't blame the army, +far from it; I've often wished I could travel that way myself, and +I've no doubt so has every other man who ever crowded a number nine and +three-quarters foot into a number eight patent-leather shoe, and then +went to call on friends residing in a steam-heated apartment. As what +man has not? Once the green-corn dance was an exclusive thing with the +Sioux Indians, but it may now be witnessed when one man steps on another +man's toes in a crowd. + +We are accustomed to make fun of the humble worm of the dust but in +one respect the humble worm certainly has it on us. He goes through +existence without any hands and any feet to bother him. Indeed in this +regard I can think of but one creature in all creation who is worse off +than we poor humans are. That is the lowly ear wig. Think of being an +ear wig, that suffers from fallen arches himself and has a wife that +suffers from cold feet! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Cobb's Anatomy, by Irvin S. 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Hands and feet + + + + + + +Tummies + + + + +Dr. Woods Hutchinson says that fat people are happier than other +people. How does Dr. Woods Hutchinson know? Did he ever have to +leave the two top buttons of his vest unfastened on account of his +extra chins? Has the pressure from within against the waistband +where the watchfob is located ever been so great in his case that +he had partially to undress himself to find out what time it was? +Does he have to take the tailor's word for it that his trousers +need pressing? + +He does not. And that sort of a remark is only what might be +expected from any person upward of seven feet tall and weighing +about ninety-eight pounds with his heavy underwear on. I shall +freely take Dr. Woods Hutchinson's statements on the joys and +ills of the thin. But when he undertakes to tell me that fat +people are happier than thin people, it is only hearsay evidence +with him and decline to accept his statements unchallenged. He is +going outside of his class. He is, as you might say, no more than +an innocent bystander. Whereas I am a qualified authority. + +I will admit that at one stage of my life, I regarded fleshiness +as a desirable asset. The incident came about in this way. There +was a circus showing in our town and a number of us proposed to +attend it. It was one of those one-ring, ten-cent circuses that +used to go about over the country, and it is my present recollection +that all of us had funds laid by sufficient to buy tickets; but +if we could procure admission in the regular way we felt it would +be a sinful waste of money to pay our way in. + +With this idea in mind we went scouting round back of the main tent +to a comparatively secluded spot, and there we found a place where +the canvas side-wall lifted clear of the earth for a matter of four +or five inches. We held an informal caucus to decide who should +should go first. The honor lay between two of us--between the +present writer, who was reasonably skinny, and another boy, named +Thompson, who was even skinnier. He won, as the saying is, on +form. It was decided by practically a unanimous vote, he alone +dissenting, that he should crawl under and see how the land lay +inside. If everything was all right he would make it known by +certain signals and we would then follow, one by one. + +Two of us lifted the canvas very gently and this Thompson boy started +to wriggle under. He was about halfway in when--zip!--like a +flash he bodily vanished. He was gone, leaving only the marks where +his toes had gouged the soil. Startled, we looked at one another. +There was something peculiar about this. Here was a boy who had +started into a circus tent in a circumspect, indeed, a highly cautious +manner, and then finished the trip with undue and sudden precipitancy. +It was more than peculiar--it bordered upon the uncanny. It was +sinister. Without a word having been spoken we decided to go away +from there. + +Wearing expressions of intense unconcern and sterling innocence +upon our young faces we did go away from there and drifted back in +the general direction of the main entrance. We arrived just in +time to meet our young friend coming out. He came hurriedly, using +his hands and his feet both, his feet for traveling and his hands +for rubbing purposes. Immediately behind him was a large, coarse +man using language that stamped him as a man who had outgrown the +spirit of youth and was preeminently out of touch with the ideals +and aims of boyhood. + +At that period it seemed to me and to the Thompson boy, who was +moved to speak feelingly on the subject, and in fact to all of us, +that excessive slimness might have its drawbacks. Since that time +several of us have had occasion to change our minds. With the +passage of years we have fleshened up, and now we know better. The +last time I saw the Thompson boy he was known as Excess-Baggage +Thompson. His figure in profile suggested a man carrying a roll-top +desk in his arms and his face looked like a face that had refused +to jell and was about to run down on his clothes. He spoke longingly +of the days of his youth and wondered if the shape of his knees had +changed much since the last time he saw them. + +Yes sir, no matter what Doctor Hutchinson says, I contend that the +slim man has all the best of it in this world. The fat man is the +universal goat; he is humanity's standing joke. Stomachs are the +curse of our modern civilization. When a man gets a stomach his +troubles begin. If you doubt this ask any fat man--I started to +say ask any fat woman, too. Only there aren't any fat women to +speak of. There are women who are plump and will admit it; there +are even women who are inclined to be stout. But outside of dime +museums there are no fat women. But there are plenty of fat men. +Ask one of them. Ask any one of them. Ask me. + +This thing of acquiring a tummy steals on one insidiously, like a +thief in the night. You notice that you are plumping out a trifle +and for the time being you feel a sort of small personal satisfaction +in it. Your shirts fit you better. You love the slight strain +upon the buttonholes. You admire the pleasant plunking sound +suggestive of ripe watermelons when you pat yourself. Then a day +comes when the persuasive odor of mothballs fills the autumnal air +and everybody at the barber shop is having the back of his neck +shaved also, thus betokening awakened social activities, and when +evening is at hand you take the dress-suit, which fitted you so +well, out of the closet where it has been hanging and undertake to +back yourself into it. You are pained to learn that it is about +three sizes too small. At first you are inclined to blame the suit +for shrinking, but second thought convinces you that the fault lies +elsewhere. It is you that have swollen, not the suit that has +shrunk. The buttons that should adorn the front of the coat are +now plainly visible from the rear. + +You buy another dress-suit and next fall you have out-grown that +one too. You pant like a lizard when you run to catch a car. You +cross your legs and have to hold the crossed one on with both hands +to keep your stomach from shoving it off in space. After a while +you quit crossing them and are content with dawdling yourself on your +own lap. You are fat! Dog-gone it--you are fat! + +You are up against it and it is up against you, which is worse. You +are something for people to laugh at. You are also expected to +laugh. It is all right for a thin man to be grouchy; people will +say the poor creature has dyspepsia and should be humored along. +But a fat man with a grouch is inexcusable in any company--there +is so much of him to be grouchy. He constitutes a wave of +discontent and a period of general depression. He is not expected +to be romantic and sentimental either. It is all right for a giraffe +to be sentimental, but not a hippopotamus. If you doubt me consult +any set of natural history pictures. The giraffe is shown with +his long and sinuous neck entwined in fond embrace about the neck +of his mate; but the amphibious, blood-sweating hippo is depicted +as spouting and wallowing, morose and misanthropic, in a mud puddle +off by himself. In passing I may say that I regard this comparison +as a particularly apt one, because I know of no living creature so +truly amphibious in hot weather as an open-pored fat man, unless +it is a hippopotamus. + +Oh how true is the saying that nobody loves a fat man! When fat +comes up on the front porch love jumps out of the third-story window. +Love in a cottage? Yes. Love in a rendering plant? No. A fat +man's heart is supposed to lie so far inland that the softer emotions +cannot reach it at all. Yet the fattest are the truest, if you did +but know it, and also they are the tenderest and a man with a double +chin rarely leads a double life. For one thing, it requires too +much moving round. + +A fat man cannot wear the clothes he would like to wear. As a race +fat men are fond of bright and cheerful colors; but no fat man can +indulge his innocent desires in this direction without grieving his +family and friends and exciting the derisive laughter of the +unthinking. If he puts on a fancy-flowered vest, they'll say he +looks like a Hanging Garden of Babylon. And yet he has a figure +just made for showing off a fancy-flowered vest to best effect. +He may favor something in light checks for his spring suit; but +if he ventures abroad in a checked suit, ribald strangers will look +at him meaningly and remark to one another that the center of +population appears to be shifting again. It has been my +observation that fat men are instinctively drawn to short tan +overcoats for the early fall. But a fat man in a short tan +overcoat, strolling up the avenue of a sunny afternoon, will be +constantly overhearing persons behind him wondering why they didn't +wait until night to move the bank vault. That irks him sore; but +if he turns round to reproach them he is liable to shove an old +lady or a poor blind man off the sidewalk, and then, like as not, +some gamin will sing out: "Hully gee, Chimmy, wot's become of the +rest of the parade? "Ere's the bass drum goin' home all by itself." + +I've known of just such remarks being made and I assure you they +cut a sensitive soul to the core. Not for the fat man are the +snappy clothes for varsity men and the patterns called by the +tailors confined because that is what they should be but aren't. +Not for him the silken shirt with the broad stripes. Shirts with +stripes that were meant to run vertically but are caused to run +horizontally, by reasons over which the wearer has no control, +remind others of the awning over an Italian grocery. So the fat +man must stick to sober navy blues and depressing blacks and +melancholy grays. He is advised that he should wear his evening +clothes whenever possible, because black and white lines are more +becoming to him. But even in evening clothes, that wide expanse +of glazed shirt and those white enamel studs will put the onlookers +in mind of the front end of a dairy lunch or so I have been cruelly +told. + +When planning public utilities, who thinks of a fat man? There +never was a hansom cab made that would hold a fat man comfortably +unless he left the doors open, and that makes him feel undressed. +There never was an orchestra seat in a theater that would contain +all of him at the same time--he churns up and sloshes out over the +sides. Apartment houses and elevators and hotel towels are all +constructed upon the idea that the world is populated by stock-size +people with those double-A-last shapes. + +Take a Pullman car, for instance. One of the saddest sights known +is that of a fat man trying to undress on one of those closet shelves +called upper berths without getting hopelessly entangled in the +hammock or committing suicide by hanging himself with his own +suspenders. And after that, the next most distressing sight is +the same fat man after he has undressed and is lying there, spouting +like a sperm-whale and overflowing his reservation like a crock of +salt-rising dough in a warm kitchen, and wondering how he can turn +over without bulging the side of the car and maybe causing a wreck. +Ah me, those dark green curtains with the overcoat buttons on them +hide many a distressful spectacle from the traveling public! + +If a fat man undertakes to reduce nobody sympathizes with him. A +thin man trying to fatten up so he won't fall all the way through +his trousers when he draws 'em on in the morning is an object of +sympathy and of admiration, and people come from miles round and +give him advice about how to do it. But suppose a fat man wants +to train down to a point where, when he goes into a telephone +booth and says "Ninety-four Broad," the spectators will know he +is trying to get a number and not telling his tailor what his +waist measure is. + +Is he greeted with sympathetic understanding? He is not. He is +greeted with derision and people stand round and gloat at him. The +authorities recommend health exercises, but health exercises are +almost invariably undignified in effect and wearing besides. Who +wants to greet the dewy morn by lying flat on his back and lifting +his feet fifty times? What kind of a way is that to greet the dewy +morn anyhow? And bending over with the knees stiff and touching +the tips of the toes with the tips of the fingers--that's no +employment for a grown man with a family to support and a position +to maintain in society. Besides which it cannot be done. I make +the statement unequivocally and without fear of successful +contradiction that it cannot be done. And if it could be done-- +which as I say it can't--there would be no real pleasure in +touching a set of toes that one has known of only by common rumor +for years. Those toes are the same as strangers to you--you knew +they were in the neighborhood, of course, but you haven't been +intimate with them. + +Maybe you try dieting, which is contrary to nature. Nature intended +that a fat man should eat heartily, else why should she endow him +with the capacity and the accommodations. Starving in the midst +of plenty is not for him who has plenty of midst. Nature meant +that a fat man should have an appetite and that he should gratify +it at regular intervals--meant that he should feel like the Grand +Canyon before dinner and like the Royal Gorge afterward. Anyhow, +dieting for a fat man consists in not eating anything that's fit +to eat. The specialist merely tells him to eat what a horse would +eat and has the nerve to charge him for what he could have found +out for himself at any livery stable. Of course he might bant in +the same way that a woman bants. You know how a woman bants. She +begins the day very resolutely, and if you are her husband you want +to avoid irritating her or upsetting her, because hell hath no fury +like a woman banting. For breakfast she takes a swallow of lukewarm +water and half of a soda cracker. For luncheon she takes the other +half of the cracker and leaves off the water. For dinner she orders +everything on the menu except the date and the name of the +proprietor. She does this in order to give her strength to go on +with the treatment. + +No fat man would diet that way; but no matter which way he does +diet it doesn't do him any good. Health exercises only make him +muscle-sore and bring on what the Harvard ball team call the Charles +W. Horse; while banting results in attacks of those kindred +complaints--the Mollie K. Grubbs and the Fan J. Todds. + +Walking is sometimes recommended and the example of the camel is +pointed out, the camel being a creature that can walk for days and +days. But, as has been said by some thinking person, who in +thunder wants to be a camel? The subject of horseback riding is +also brought up frequently in this connection. It is one of the +commonest delusions among fat men that horseback riding will bring +them down and make them sylphlike and willowy. I have several fat +men among my lists of acquaintances who labor under this fallacy. +None of them was ever a natural-born horseback rider; none of them +ever will be. I like to go out of a bright morning and take a +comfortable seat on a park bench--one park bench is plenty roomy +enough if nobody else is using it--and sit there and watch these +unhappy persons passing single file along the bridle-path. I sit +there and gloat until by rights I ought to be required to take out +a gloater's license. + +Mind you, I have no prejudice against horseback riding as such. +Horseback riding is all right for mounted policemen and Colonel +W. F. Cody and members of the Stickney family and the party who +used to play Mazeppa in the sterling drama of that name. That is +how those persons make their living. They are suited for it and +acclimated to it. It is also all right for equestrian statues of +generals in the Civil War. But it is not a fit employment for a +fat man and especially for a fat man who insists on trying to ride +a hard-trotting horse English style, which really isn't riding at +all when you come right down to cases, but an outdoor cure for +neurasthenia invented, I take it, by a British subject who was +nervous himself and hated to stay long in one place. So, as I +was saying, I sit there on my comfortable park bench and watch +those friends of mine bouncing by, each wearing on his face that +set expression which is seen also on the faces of some men while +waltzing, and on the faces of most women when entertaining their +relatives by marriage. I have one friend who is addicted to this +form of punishment in a violent, not to say a malignant form. He +uses for his purpose a tall and self-willed horse of the Tudor +period--a horse with those high dormer effects and a sloping +mansard. This horse must have been raised, I think, in the +knockabout song-and-dance business. Every time he hears music or +thinks he hears it he stops and vamps with his feet. When he +does this my friend bends forward and clutches him round the neck +tightly. I think he is trying to whisper in the horse's ear and +beg him in Heaven's name to forbear; but what he looks like is +Santa Claus with a clean shave, sitting on the combing of a very +steep house with his feet hanging over the eaves, peeking down the +chimney to see if the children are asleep yet. When that horse +dies he will still have finger marks on his throat and the +authorities will suspect foul play probably. + +Once I tried it myself. I was induced to scale the heights of a +horse that was built somewhat along the general idea of the Andes +Mountains, only more rugged and steeper nearing the crest. From +the ground he looked to be not more than sixteen hands high, but +as soon as I was up on top of him I immediately discerned that it +was not sixteen hands--it was sixteen miles. What I had taken for +the horse's blaze face was a snow-capped peak. Miss Anna Peck +might have felt at home up there, because she has had the experience +and is used to that sort of thing, but I am no mountain climber +myself. + +Before I could make any move to descend to the lower and less +rarified altitudes the horse began executing a few fancy steps, +and he started traveling sidewise with a kind of a slanting bias +movement that was extremely disconcerting, not to say alarming, +instead of proceeding straight ahead as a regular horse would. I +clung there astraddle of his ridge pole, with my fingers twined +in his mane, trying to anticipate where he would be next, in order +to be there to meet him if possible; and I resolved right then +that, if Providence in His wisdom so willed it that I should get +down from up there alive, I would never do so again. However, I +did not express these longings in words--not at that time. At +that time there were only two words in the English language which +seemed to come to me. One of them was "Whoa" and the other was +"Ouch," and I spoke them alternately with such rapidity that they +merged into the compound word "Whouch," which is a very expressive +word and one that I would freely recommend to others who may be +situated as I was. + +At that moment, of all the places in the world that I could think +of--and I could think of a great many because the events of my past +life were rapidly flashing past me--as is customary, I am told, in +other cases of grave peril, such as drowning--I say of all the +places in the world there were just two where I least desired to +be--one was up on top of that horse and the other was down under +him. But it seemed to be a choice of the two evils, and so I chose +the lesser and got under him. I did this by a simple expedient +that occurred to me at the moment. I fell off. I was tramped on +considerably, and the earth proved to be harder than it looked +when viewed from an approximate height of sixteen miles up, but I +lived and breathed--or at least I breathed after a time had +elapsed--and I was satisfied. And so, having gone through this +experience myself, I am in position to appreciate what any other +man of my general build is going through as I see him bobbing by-- +the poor martyr, sacrificing himself as a burnt offering, or anyway +a blistered one--on the high altar of a Gothic ruin of a horse. +And, besides, I know that riding a horse doesn't reduce a fat man. +It merely reduces the horse. + +So it goes--the fat man is always up against it. His figure is +half-masted in regretful memory of the proportions he had once, +and he is made to mourn. Most sports and many gainful pursuits are +closed against him. He cannot play lawn tennis, or, at least +according to my observation, he cannot play lawn tennis oftener +than once in two weeks. In between games he limps round, stiff as +a hat tree and sore as a mashed thumb. Time was when he might +mingle in the mystic mazes of the waltz, tripping the light +fantastic toe or stubbing it, as the case may be. But that was in +the days of the old-fashioned square dance, which was the fat man's +friend among dances, and also of the old-fashioned two-step, and +not in these times when dancing is a cross between a wrestling +match, a contortion act and a trip on a roller-coaster, and is +either named for an animal, like the Bunny Hug and the Tarantula +Glide, or for a town, like the Mobile Mop-Up, and the Far Rockaway +Rock and the South Bend Bend. His friends would interfere--or the +authorities would. He can go in swimming, it is true; but if he +turns over and floats, people yell out that somebody has set the +life raft adrift; and if he basks at the water's edge, boats will +come in and try to dock alongside him; and if he takes a sun bath +on the beach and sunburns, there's so everlasting much of him to be +sunburned that he practically amounts to a conflagration. He +can't shoot rapids, craps or big game with any degree of comfort; +nor play billiards. He can't get close enough to the table to +make the shots, and he puts all the English on himself and none of +it on the cue ball. + +Consider the gainful pursuits. Think how many of them are denied +to the man who may have energy and ability but is shut out because +there are a few extra terraces on his front lawn. A fat man cannot +be a leading man in a play. Nobody desires a fat hero for a novel. +A fat man cannot go in for aeroplaning. He cannot be a wire-walker +or a successful walker of any of the other recognized brands-- +track, cake, sleep or floor. He doesn't make a popular waiter. +Nobody wants a fat waiter on a hot day. True, you may make him +bring your order under covered dishes, but even so, there is still +that suggestion of rain on a tin roof that is distasteful to so +many. + +So I repeat that fat people are always getting the worst of it, +and I say again, of all the ills that flesh is heir to, the worst +is the flesh itself. As the poet says--"The world, the flesh +and the devil"--and there you have it in a sentence--the flesh +in between, catching the devil on one side and the jeers of the +world on the other. I don't care what Dr. Woods Hutchinson or any +other thin man says! I contend that history is studded with +instances of prominent persons who lost out because they got fat. +Take Cleopatra now, the lady to whom Marc Antony said: "I am dying, +Egypt, dying," and then refrained from doing so for about nineteen +more stanzas. Cleo or Pat--she was known by both names, I hear-- +did fairly well as a queen, as a coquette and as a promoter of +excursions on the river--until she fleshened up. Then she +flivvered. Doctor Johnson was a fat man and he suffered from +prickly heat, and from Boswell, and from the fact that he couldn't +eat without spilling most of the gravy on his second mezzanine +landing. As a thin and spindly stripling Napoleon altered the map +of Europe and stood many nations on their heads. It was after he +had grown fat and pursy that he landed on St. Helena and spent his +last days on a barren rock, with his arms folded, posing for steel +engravings. Nero was fat, and he had a lot of hard luck in keeping +his relatives--they were almost constantly dying on him and he +finally had to stab himself with one of those painful-looking old +Roman two-handed swords, lest something really serious befall him. +Falstaff was fat, and he lost the favor of kings in the last act. +Coming down to our own day and turning to a point no farther away +than the White House at Washington--but have we not enough examples +without becoming personal? Yes, I know Julius Caesar said: "Let me +have men about me that are fat." But you bet it wasn't in the +heated period when J. Caesar said that! + + + + + +Teeth + + + + +One of the most pleasant features about being born, as I conceive +it, is that we are born without teeth. I believe there have been +a few exceptions to this rule--Richard the Third, according to +the accounts, came into the world equipped with all his teeth and +a perfectly miserable disposition; and once in a while, especially +during Roosevelt years, when the Colonel's picture is hanging on +the walls of so many American homes, we read in the paper that a +baby has just been born somewhere with a full set, and even, as in +the case of the infant son of a former member of the Rough Riders, +with nose glasses and a close-cropped mustache. This, however, may +have been a pardonable exaggeration of the real facts. As I recall +now, it was reported in a dispatch to the New York Tribune from +Lover's Leap, Iowa, during the presidential campaign eight years +ago. + +In the main, though, we are born without teeth. We are born +without a number of things--clothes for example--although Anthony +Comstock is said to be pushing a law requiring all children to be +born with overalls on; but teeth is the subject which we are now +discussing. This absence of teeth tends to give the very young +of our species the appearance in the face of an old fashioned +buckskin purse with the draw string broken, but be that as it may, +we are generally fairly well content with life until the teeth +begin to come. + +First there are the milk teeth. Right there our troubles start. +To use the term commonly in use, we cut them, although as a matter +of fact, they cut us--cut them with the aid of some such mussy +thing as a toothing ring or the horny part of the nurse's thumb, +or the reverse side of a spoon--cut them at the cost of infinite +suffering, not only for ourselves but for everybody else in the +vicinity. And about the time we get the last one in we begin to +lose the first one out. They go one at a time, by falling out, +or by being yanked out, or by coming out of their own accord when +we eat molasses taffy. They were merely what you might call our +Entered Apprentice teeth. We go in now for the full thirty-two +degrees--one degree for each tooth and thirty-two teeth to a set. +By arduous and painful processes, stretching over a period of +years, we get our regular teeth--the others were only volunteers-- +concluding with the wisdom teeth, as so called, but it is a +misnomer, because there never is room for them and they have to +stand up in the back row and they usually arrive with holes in them, +and if we really possessed any wisdom we would figure out some way +of abolishing them altogether. They come late and crowd their way +in and push the other teeth out of line and so we go about for +months with the top of our mouths filled with braces and wires and +things, so that when we breathe hard we sob and croon inside of +ourselves like an Aeolean harp. + +But in any event we get them all and no sooner do we get them +than we begin to lose them. They develop cavities and aches and +extra roots and we spend a good part of our lives and most of our +substance with the dentist. Nevertheless, in spite of all we can +do and all he can do, we keep on losing them. And after awhile, +they are all gone and our face folds up on us like a crush hat or +a concertina and from our brow to our chin we don't look much more +than a third as long as we used to look. We dislike this +folded-up appearance naturally--who wouldn't? And we get tired of +living on spoon victuals and the memory of past beef-steaks. So +we go and get some false ones made. They have to be made to order; +there appears to be no market for custom made teeth; you never +see any hand-me-down teeth advertised, guaranteed to fit any face +and withstand a damp climate. Getting them made to order is a +long and unhappy process and I will pass over it briefly. Having +got them, we find that they do not fit us or that we do not fit +them, which comes to the same thing. The dentist makes them fit +by altering us some and the teeth some, and after some months they +quit feeling as though they didn't belong to us but had been +borrowed temporarily from somebody's loan collection of ceramics. + +But just about the time they are becoming acclimated and we are +getting used to them, the interior of our mouth for private reasons +best known to itself changes around materially and we either have +to go back and start all over and go through the whole thing again, +or else haply we die and pass on to the bourne from which no +traveller returneth either with his teeth or without them. If +Shakespeare had only thought of it--and he did think of a number +of things from time to time--he might have divided his Seven Ages +of Man much better by making them the Seven Ages of Teeth as +follows: First age--no tooth; second age--milk teeth; third age-- +losing 'em; fourth age--getting more teeth; fifth age--losing 'em; +sixth age--getting false teeth and finding they aren't satisfactory; +seventh age--toothless again. + +I knew a man once who was a gunsmith and lost all his teeth at a +comparatively early age. He went along that way for years. He +had to eschew the tenderloin for the reason that he couldn't chew +it, and he had to cut out hickory nut cake and corn on the ear and +such things. But there is nothing about the art of gunsmithing +which seems to call for teeth, so he got along very well, living +in a little house with the wife of his bosom and a faithful housedog +named Ponto. But when he was past sixty he went and got himself +some teeth from the dentist. He did this without saying anything +about it at home; he was treasuring it up for a surprise. The +corner stone was laid in May and the scaffolding was all up by July +and in August the new teeth were dedicated with suitable ceremonies. + +They altered his appearance materially. His nose and chin which +had been on terms of intimacy now rubbed each other a last fond +good-bye and his face lost that accordian-pleated look and +straightened out and became about six or seven inches longer from +top to bottom. He now had a sort of determined aspect like the +iron jawed lady in a circus, whereas before his face had the +appearance of being folded over and wadded down inside of his neck +band, so his hat could rest comfortably on his collar. He knew he +was altered, but he didn't realize how much he was altered until +he went home that evening and walked proudly in the front gate. +His wife who was timid about strangers, slammed the door right in +his face and faithful Ponto came out from under the porch steps +and bit him severely in the calf of the leg. There was only one +consolation in it for him--for the first time in a long number of +years he was in position to bite back. + +And that's how it is with teeth--with your teeth let us say--for +right here I'm going to drop the personal pronoun and speak of +them as your teeth from now on. If anybody has to suffer it might +as well be you and not me; I expect to be busy telling about it. +As I started to say awhile ago, you--remember it's you from this +point--you get your regular teeth and they start right in giving +you trouble. Every little while one of them bursts from its cell +with a horrible yell and in the lulls between pangs you go forth +among men with the haunted look in your eye of one who is listening +for the footfalls of a dread apparition, and one half of your head +is puffed out of plumb as though you were engaged in the whimsical +idea of holding an egg plant in the side of your jaw. A kind +friend meets you, and, speaking with that high courage and that +lofty spirit of sacrifice which a kind friend always exhibits when +it's your tooth that is kicking up the rumpus and not his, he +tells you you ought to have something done for it right away. You +know that as well as he does, but you hate to have the subject +brought up. It's your toothache anyhow. It originated with you. +You are its proud parent but not so awfully proud at that. Mother +and child doing as well as could be expected, but not expected to +do very well. + +But these friends of yours keep on shoving their free advice on +you and the tooth keeps on getting worse and worse until the pain +spreads all through the First Ward and finally you grab your +resolution in both hands to keep it from leaking out between your +fingers and you go to the dentist's. + +This happens so many times that after awhile you lose count and +so would the dentist, if he didn't write your name down every time +in his little red book with pleasingly large amounts entered +opposite to it. It seems to you that you are always doing +something for your teeth? You have them pulled and pushed and +shoved and filled and unfilled and refilled and excavated and +blasted and sculptured and scroll-sawed and a lot of other things +that you wouldn't think could be done legally without a building +permit. As time passes on, the inside of your once well-tilled +and commodious head becomes but little more than a recent site. +Your vaults have been blown and most of your contents abstracted +by Amalgam Mike and Dental Slim, the Demon Yeggmen of the Human +Face. You are merely the scattered clews left behind for the +authorities to work on; you are the faint traces of the fiendish +crime. You are the point marked X. + +But all along there is generally one tooth that has behaved herself +like a lady. Other teeth may have betrayed your confidence but +Old Faithful has hung on, attending to business, asking only for +standing room and kind treatment. The others you may view with +alarm, but to this tooth you can point with pride. But have a +care--she is deceiving you. + +Some night you go to bed and have a dream. In your dream it seems +to you that a fox terrier is chasing a woodchuck around and around +the inside of your head. In that tangled sort of fashion peculiar +to dreams your sympathy seems to go out first to the fox terrier +and then to the woodchuck as they circle about nimbly, leaping +from your tonsils to your larynx and then up over the rafters in +the roof of your mouth and down again and pattering over the +sub-maxillary from side to side. But about then you wake up with +a violent start and decide that any sympathy you may have in stock +should be reserved for personal use exclusively, because at this +moment the dog trees the woodchuck at the base of that cherished +tooth of yours and starts to dig him out. He is a very determined +dog and very active, but he needs a manicure. You are struck by +that fact almost immediately. + +Uttering some of those trite and commonplace remarks that are +customary for use under such circumstances and yet are so futile +to express one's real sentiments, you arise and undertake to +pacify the infuriated creature with household remedies. You try +to lure him away with a wad of medicated cotton stuck on the end +of a parlor match. But arnica is evidently an acquired taste +with him. He doesn't seem to care for it any more than you do. +You begin to dress, using one hand to put your clothes on with and +the other to hold the top of your head on. At this important +juncture, the dog tears down the last remaining partitions and +nails the woodchuck. The woodchuck is game--say what you will +about the habits and customs of the woodchuck you have to hand it +to him there--he's game as a lion. He fights back desperately. +Intense excitement reigns throughout the vicinity. While the +struggle wages you get your clothes on and wait for daylight to +come, which it does in from eight to ten weeks. Norway is not the +only place where the nights are six months long. + +There is nobody waiting at the dentist's when you get there, it +being early. You are willing to wait. At a barber shop it may +be different but at a dentist's you are always willing to wait, +like a gentleman. But the sinewy young man who is sitting in +the front parlor reading the Hammer Thrower's Gazette, welcomes +you with a false air of gaiety entirely out of keeping with the +circumstances and invites you to step right in. He tells you +that you are next. This is wrong--if you were next you would +turn and flee like a deer. Not being next, you enter. Right +from the start you seem to take a dislike to this young man. You +catch him spitting in his hands and hitching his sleeves up as +you are hanging up your hat. Besides he is too robust for a +dentist. With those shoulders he ought to be a boiler maker or a +safe mover or something of that sort. You resolve inwardly that +next time you go to a dentist you are going to one of a more +lady-like bearing and gentler demeanor. It seems a brutal thing +that a big strong man should waste his years in a dental +establishment when the world is clamoring for strong men to do +the heavy lifting jobs. But before you can say anything, this +muscular athlete has laid violent hands on your palpitating form +and wadded it abruptly into the hideous embraces of a red plush +chair, which looks something like the one they use up at Sing +Sing, only it's done more quickly up there and with less suffering +on the part of the condemned. On one side of you you behold quite +a display of open plumbing and on the other side a tasty exhibit +of small steel tools of assorted sizes. No matter which way your +gaze may stray you'll be seeing something attractive. + +You also take notice of an electric motor about large enough, you +would say, to run a trolley car, which is purring nearby in a +sinister and forbidding way. They are constantly making these +little improvements in the dental profession. I have heard that +fifty years ago a dentist traveled about over the country from +place to place, sometimes pulling a tooth and sometimes breaking a +colt. He practiced his art with an outfit consisting of two pairs +of iron forceps--one pair being saber-toothed while the other pair +was merely saw-fretted--and he gave a man the same kind of +treatment he gave a horse, only he tied the horse's legs first. +But now electricity is in general use and no dentist's +establishment is complete without a dynamo attachment which makes +a crooning sound when in operation and provides instrumental +accompaniment to the song of the official canary. + +I know why a barber in a country town is always learning to play +on the guitar and I know why a man with an emotional Adam's apple +always wears an open front collar. I know these things, but am +debarred from telling them by reason of a solemn oath. But I have +not yet been able to discover why every dentist keeps a canary in +his office. Nor do I know why it is, just as you settle your neck +back on a head rest that's every bit as comfortable as an anvil, +and just as a dentist climbs into you as far as the arm pits and +begins probing at the bottom of a tooth which has roots extending +back behind your ears, like an old-fashioned pair of spectacles, +that the canary bird should wipe his nose on a cuttle bone and +dash into a melodious outburst of two hundred thousand twitters, +all of them being twitters of the same size, shape, and color. +For that matter, I don't even know what kind of an animal a cuttle +is, although I should say from the shape of his bone as used by +the canary instead of a pocket handkerchief, that he is circular +and flat and stands on edge only with the utmost difficulty. If +you will pardon my temporary digressions into the realm of natural +history, we will now return to the main subject, which was your +tooth. + +The moment the muscular young man starts up his motor and gives +the canary its music cue and begins pawing over his tool +collection to pick out a good sharp one, you recover. All of a +sudden you feel fine, and so does the tooth. Neither one of you +ever felt better. The fox terrier must have killed the woodchuck +and then committed suicide. You are about to mention this double +tragedy and beg the young man's pardon for causing him any trouble +and excuse yourself and go away, but just then he quits feeling of +his biceps and suddenly seizes you by your features and undoes them. +If you are where you can catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror +you will immediately note how much the human face divine can be +made to look like an old-fashioned red brick Colonial fire place. + +There are likely to be several things you would like to talk about. +You are full of thoughts seeking utterance. For one thing you want +to tell him you don't think the brand of soap he uses on his hands +is going to agree with you at all. You probably don't care +personally for the way your barber's thumb tastes either, but a +barber's thumb is Peaches Melba alongside of a dentist's. Before +you can say anything though he discovers a cavity or orifice of +some sort in the base of your tooth. It seems to give him +pleasure. Filled with intense gratification by this discovery and +fired moreover by the impetuous ardor of the chase, he grabs up a +crochet needle with a red hot stinger on the end of it and jabs it +down your tooth to a point about opposite where your suspenders +fork in the back. + +You have words with him then, or at least you start to have words +with him, but he puts his knee in your chest and tells you that it +really doesn't hurt at all, but is only your imagination, and +utters other soothing remarks of that general nature. He then +exchanges the crochet needle for a kind of an instrument with a +burr on the end of it. This instrument first came into use at the +time of the Spanish Inquisition but has since been greatly +improved on and brought right up to date. He takes this handy +little utensil and proceeds to stir up your imagination some more. +You again try to say something, speaking in a muffled tone, but he +is not listening. He is calling to a brother assassin in the +adjoining room to come and see a magnificent example of a prime +old-vatted triple X exposed nerve. So the Second Grave Digger +rests his tools against the palate of his victim and comes in. + +As nearly as you can gather from hearsay evidence, you not being +an eye witness yourself, one of them harpoons the nerve just back +of the gills with a nutpick--remember please it is your nerve that +they are taking all these liberties with--and pulls it out of its +retreat and the other man takes a tack hammer and tries to beat +its brains out. Any time he misses the nerve he hits you, so his +average is still a thousand, and it is fine practice for him. A +pleasant time is had by everybody present except you and the nerve. +The nerve wraps its hind legs around your breastbone and hangs on +desperately. You perspire freely and make noises like a drunken +Zulu trying to sing a Swedish folk song while holding a spoonful +of hot mush in his mouth. + +In time becoming wearied even of these congenial diversions and +tiring of the shop talk that has been going on, the second dentist +returns to his original prey and the party who has you in charge +tries a new experiment. He arms himself with a kind of an +automatic hammering machine, somewhat similar to the steam riveter +used in constructing steel office buildings, except that this one +is more compact and can deliver about eighty-five more blows to the +second. Thus equipped, he descends far below your high water mark +and engages in aquatic sports and pastimes for a considerable +period of time. It seems to you that you never saw a man who could +go down and stay down as long as this young man can. You begin to +feel that you misjudged his real vocation in life when you decided +that he ought to be a boiler maker. You know that he was intended +for pearl fishing. He's a natural born deep sea diver. He doesn't +even have to come up to breathe, but stays below, knee deep in your +tide wash, merrily knocking chunks off your lowermost coral reefs +with his little steam riveter and having a perfectly lovely time. + +You are overflowing copiously and you wish he would take the time +to stop and bail you out. You abhor the idea of being drowned as +an inside job. But no, he keeps right on and along about here it +is customary for you to swoon away. + +On recovering, you observe that he has changed his mind again. He +is now going in for amateur theatricals and is using you for a +theatre. First thoughtfully draping a little rubber drop curtain +across your proscenium arch to keep you from seeing what is going +on behind your own scenes, he is setting the stage for the +thrilling sawmill scene in Blue Jeans. You can distinctly feel +the circular saw at work and you can taste a hod of mortar and a +bucket of hot tar and one thing and another that have been left in +the wings. You also judge that the insulation is burning off of +an electric fixture somewhere up stage. + +All this time the tooth is still offering resistance, and +eventually the dentist comes out in front once more and makes a +little curtain speech to you. He has just ascertained that what +the tooth really needed was not filling but pulling. He thought +at first that it should be filled and that is what he has been +doing--filling it--but now he knows that pulling is the indicated +procedure. He does not understand how a tooth that seemed so open +could have deceived him. Nevertheless he will now pull the tooth. + +He pulls her. She does her level best but he pulls her. He +harvests small sections of the gum from time to time and +occasionally he stops long enough to loosen up the roots as far +down as your floating ribs. But he pulls her. He spares no pains +to pull that tooth. Or if he spares any you are not able +subsequently to remember what they were. You utter various loud +sounds in a strange and incomprehensible language and he lays back +and braces his knees against your lower jaw, and the tooth utters +the death rattle and begins picking the cover-lid. And then he +gives one final heave and breaks the roots away from the lower +part of your spinal column to which they were adhering, and emerges +into the open panting but triumphant, and holds his trophy up for +you to look at. If you didn't know it was your tooth you would +take it for an old-fashioned china cuspidor that had been neglected +by the janitor. + +It was a tooth that you had been prizing for years, but now you +wouldn't have it as a gracious gift. You are through with that +tooth forever. You never want to see it again. + +As for the dentist, he collects the fixed charge for stumpage and +corkage and one thing and another and you come away with a feeling +in the side of your jaw like a vacant lot. Your tongue keeps going +over there to see if it can recognize the old place by the hole +where the foundations used to be. You never realized before what a +basement there was to a tooth. + +As you come out you pass a fresh victim going in and you see the +dentist welcome him and then turn to crank up his motor and you +hear the canary tuning up with a new line of v-shaped twitters. +And you are glad that he is the one who is going in and that you +are the one who is coming out. + +Science tells us that the teeth are the hardest things in the human +composition, which is all very well as far as it goes, but what +science should do is to go on and finish the sentence. It means +the hardest to keep. + + + + + +Hair + + + + +As I remarked in the preceding chapter of this work, one of the +pleasantest features about being born is that we are born without +teeth and other responsibilities. Teeth, like debts and +installment payments, come along later on. It is the same way +with hair. + +Born, we are, hairless or comparatively so. We are in a highly +incomplete state at that period of our lives. It takes a fond and +doting parent to detect evidences of an actual human aspect in us. +Only the ears and the mouth appear to be up to the plans and +specifications. There is a mouth which when opened, as it generally +is, makes the rest of the face look like a tire, and there is a pair +of ears of such generous size that only a third one is needed, round +at the back somewhere, to give us the appearance of a loving cup. +And we are smocked and hem-stitched with a million wrinkles apiece, +more or less, which partly accounts for the fact that every newborn +infant looks to be about two hundred years old. And uniformly we +have the nice red complexion of a restaurant lobster. You know that +live-broiled look? + +As for our other features, they are more or less rudimentary. Of +a nose there is only what a chemist would call a trace. It seems +hard to imagine that a dinky little nubbin like that, a dimple +turned inside out, as it were, will ever develop into a regular +nose, with a capacity for freckling in the summer and catching cold +in the winter--a nose that you can sneeze through and blow with. +There are no eyebrows to speak of either, and the skull runs up to +a sharp point like a pineapple cheese. Just back of the peak is a +kind of soft, dented-in place like a Parker House roll, and if you +touch it we die. In some cases this spot remains soft throughout +life, and these persons grow up and go through railroad trains in +presidential years taking straw votes. + +And, as I said before, there isn't any hair; only on the slopes of +the cheese are some very pale, faint, downy lines, which look as +though they had been sketched on lightly with a very soft drawing +pencil and would wipe off readily. That, however is the inception +and beginning of what afterward becomes, among our race, hair. To +look at it you could hardly believe it, but it is. Barring +accidents or backwardness, it continues to grow from that time on +through our childhood, but its behavior is always a profound +disappointment. If the child is a girl and, therefore, entitled to +curly hair, her hair is sure to come in stiff and straight. If +it's a boy, to whom curls will be a curse and a cross of affliction, +he is morally certain to be as curly as a frizzly chicken, and +until he gets old enough to rebel he will wear long ringlets and +boys of his acquaintance will insert cockle-burs and chewing gum +into his tresses, and he will be known popularly as Sissie and +otherwise his life with be made joyous and carefree for him. If a +reddish tone of hair is desired it is certain to grow out yellow +or brown or black; and if brown is your favorite shade you are +absolutely sure to be nice and red-headed, with eyebrows and lashes +to match, and so many cowlicks that when you remove your hat people +will think you're wearing two or three halos at once. Hair rarely +or never acts up to its advance notices. + +One of the earliest and most painful recollections of my youth is +associated with hair. I still tingle warmly when I think of it. +I should say I was about eight years old at the time. My mother +sent me down the street to the barber's to have my hair trimmed-- +shingled was the term then used. Some of my private collection of +cowlicks had begun to stand up in a way that invited adverse +criticism and reminded people of sunbursts. They made me look as +though my hair were trying to pull itself out by the roots and +escape. So I was sent to the barber's. My little cousin, two +years younger, went along in my charge. It was thought that the +performance might entertain her. I was mounted in a chair and had +a cloth tucked in round my neck, like a self-made millionaire about +to eat consomme. The officiating barber got out a shiny steel +instrument with jaws--the first pair of clippers I had ever seen-- +and he ran this up the back of my neck, producing a most agreeable +feeling. He reached the top of my head and would have paused but +I told him to go right ahead and clip me close all over, which he +did. When he had finished the job I was so delighted with the +sensation and with the attendant result as viewed in a mirror that +I suggested he might give my little cousin a similar treat. From +a mere child I was ever so--willing always to share my simple +pleasures with those about me, especially where it entailed no +inconvenience on my part. I told him my father would pay the bill +for both of us when he came by that night. + +The barber fell in with the suggestion. It has ever been my +experience that a barber will fall in readily with any suggestion +whereby the barber is going to get something out of it for himself. +In this instance he was going to get another quarter, and a quarter +went farther in those days than it does now. I dismounted from the +chair and my innocent little cousin was installed in my place. As +I now recall she made no protest. The barber ran his clippers +conscientiously and painstakingly over her tender young scalp, +while I stood admiringly by and watched the long yellow curls fall +writhing upon the floor at my feet. It seemed to me that a great +and manifest improvement was produced in her general appearance. +Instead of being hampered by those silly curls dangling down all +round her face, she now had a round, slick, smooth dome decorated +with a stiff yellowish stubble, and the skin showed through nice +and pink and the ears were well displayed, whereas before they had +been practically hidden. She was also relieved of those foolish +bangs hanging down in her eyes. This, I should have stated, +occurred in the period when womankind of whatsoever age and also +some men wore bangs, a disease from which all have since recovered +with the exception of racehorses and princesses of the various +reigning houses of Europe. And now my little cousin was shut of +those annoying bangs, and her forehead ran up so high that you had +to go round behind her to see where it left off. + +Filled with a joyous sense of achievement and conscious of a kindly +deed worthily performed, I took my little cousin by her hand and +led her home. + +My mother was waiting for us at the front door. She seemed +surprised when I took off my hat and gave her a look, but that +wasn't a circumstance to her surprise when I proudly took off my +little cousin's cap. She uttered a kind of a strangled cry and my +cousin's mother came running, and the way she carried on was +scandalous and illtimed. I will draw a veil over the proceedings +of the next few minutes. At the time it would have been a source +of great personal gratification and comfort to me if I could have +drawn a number of veils, good, thick, woolen ones, over the +proceedings. My mother wept, my aunt wept, my little cousin wept, +and I am not ashamed to state that I wept quite copiously myself. +But I had more provocation to weep than any of them. + +When this part of the affair was over my mother sent me back to +the barber with a message. I was to say that a heart-broken woman +demanded to have the curls of which her darling child had been +denuded. I believe that there was some idea entertained of sewing +them into a cap and requiring my cousin to wear the cap until new +ones had sprouted. Even to me, a mere child of eight, this seemed +a foolish and totally unnecessary proceeding, but the situation +had already become so strained that I thought it the part of +prudence to go at once without offering any arguments of my own. +I felt, anyhow, that I would rather be away from the house for a +while, until calmer second judgment had succeeded excitement and +tumult. + +The man who owned the barber shop seemed surprised when I delivered +the message, but he told me to come back in a few minutes and he'd +do what he could. I drifted on down to the confectionery store at +the corner to forget my sorrows for the moment in a worshipful +admiration of a display of prize boxes and cracknels in + +glass-front cases--you should be able to fix the period by the +fact that cracknels and prize boxes were still in vogue among the +young. When I returned the head barber handed me quite a large +box--a shoebox--with a string tied round it. It did not seem +possible to me that my cousin could have had a whole shoebox full +of curls, but things had been going pretty badly that afternoon +and my motives had been misjudged and everything, so without any +talk I took the box and hurried home with it. My mother cut the +string and my aunt lifted the lid. + +I should prefer again to draw a veil over the scenes that now +ensued, but the necessity of finishing this narrative requires me +to state that it being a Saturday and the head barber being a busy +man, he had not taken time to sort out my cousin's curls from among +the flotsam and jetsam of his establishment, but had just swept up +enough off the floor to make a good assorted boxful. I think the +oldest inhabitant had probably dropped in that day to have himself +trimmed up a little round the edges. I seem to remember a quantity +of sandy whiskers shot with gray. There was enough hair in that +box and enough different kinds and colors of hair and stuff to +satisfy almost any taste, you would have thought, but my mother and +aunt were anything but satisfied. On the contrary, far from it. +And yet my cousin's hair was all there, if they had only been +willing to spend a few days sorting it out and separating it from +the other contents. + +In this particular instance I was the exception to the rule, that +hair generally gives a boy no great trouble from the time he merges +out of babyhood until he puts on long pants and begins to discern +something strangely and subtly attractive about the sex described +by Mr. Kipling as being the more deadly of the species. During +this interim it is a matter of no moment to a boy whether he goes +shaggy or cropped, shorn or unshorn. At intervals a frugal parent +trims him to see if both his ears are still there, or else a barber +does it with more thoroughness, often recovering small articles of +household use that have been mysteriously missing for months; but +in the main he goes along carefree and unbarbered, not greatly +concerned with putting anything in his head or taking anything off +of it. + +In due season, though, he reaches the age where adolescent whiskers +and young romance begin to sprout out on him simultaneously--and +from that moment on for the rest of his life his hair is giving him +bother, and plenty of it. + +Your hair gives you bother as long as you have it and more bother +when it starts to go. You are always doing something for it and +it is always showing deep-dyed ingratitude in return; or else the +dye isn't deep enough, which is even worse. Hair is responsible +for such byproducts as dandruff, barbers, wigs, several comic +weeklies, mental anguish, added expense, Chinese revolutions, and +the standard joke about your wife's using your best razor to open +a can of tomatoes with. Hair has been of aid to Buffalo Bill, +Little Lord Fauntleroy, Samson, The Lady Godiva, Jo-Jo, the +Dog-Faced Boy, poets, pianists, some artists and most mattress +makers, but a drawback and a sorrow to Absalom, polar bears in +captivity and the male sex in general. + +This assertion goes not only for hair on the head but for hair on +the face. Let us consider for a moment the matter of shaving. +If you shave yourself you excite a barber's contempt, and there +is nobody whose contempt the average man dreads more than a +barber's, unless it is a waiter's. And on the other hand, if you +let a barber shave you he excites not your contempt particularly, +but your rage and frequently your undying hatred. Once in a +burst of confidence a barber told me one of the trade secrets of +his profession--he said that among barbers every face fell into +one of three classes, it being either a square, a round or a +squirrel. I know not, reader, whether yours be a square or a +round or a squirrel, but this much I will chance on a venture, +sight unseen--that you have your periods of intense unhappiness +when you are being shaved. + +I do not refer so much to the actual process of being shaved. +Indeed there is something restful and soothing to the average male +adult in the feel of a sharp razor being guided over a bristly +jowl by a deft and skillful hand, to the accompaniment of a gentle +grating sound and followed by a sensation of transient silken +smoothness. Nor do I refer to the barber's habit of conversation. +After all, a barber is human--he has to talk to somebody, and it +might as well be you. If he didn't have you to talk to he'd have +to talk to another barber, and that would be no treat to him. + +What I do refer to is that which precedes a shave and more +especially that which follows after it. You rush in for a shave. +In ten minutes you have an engagement to be married or something +else important, and you want a shave and you want it quick. Does +the barber take cognizance of the emergency? He does not. Such +would be contrary to the ethics of his calling. Knowing from +your own lips that you want a shave and that's positively all, he +nevertheless is instantly filled with a burning desire to equip +you with a large number of other things. In this regard the +barbering profession has much in common with the haberdashering or +gents'-furnishing profession as practiced in our larger cities. +You invade a haberdashering establishment for the purpose, let us +say, of investing in a plain and simple pair of half hose, price +twenty-five cents. That emphatically is all that you do desire. +You so state in plain, simple language, using the shorter and +uglier word socks. + +Does the youth in the pale mauve shirt with the marquise ring on +the little finger of the left hand rest content with this? Need I +answer this question? In succession he tries to sell you a fancy +waistcoat with large pearl buttons, a broken lot of silk pajamas, +a bath-robe, some shrimp-pink underwear--he wears this kind himself +he tells you in strict confidence--a pair of plush suspenders and +a knitted necktie that you wouldn't be caught wearing at twelve +o'clock at night at the bottom of a coal mine during a total +eclipse of the moon. If you resist his blandishments and so far +forget that you are a gentleman as to use harsh language, and if +you insist on a pair of socks and nothing else, he'll let you have +them, but he will never feel the same toward you as he did. + +'Tis much the same with a barber. You need a shave in a hurry and +he is willing that you should have a shave, he being there for +that purpose, but first and last he can think of upward of thirty +or forty other things that you ought to have, including a shampoo, +a hair cut, a hair singe, a hair tonic, a hair oil, a manicure, a +facial massage, a scalp massage, a Turkish bath, his opinion on +the merits of the newest White Hope, a shoeshine, some kind of a +skin food, and a series of comparisons of the weather we are having +this time this month with the weather we were having this time last +month. Not all of us are gifted with the power of repartee by +which my friend Frisbee turned the edge of the barber's desires. + +"Your hair," said the barber, fondling a truant lock, "is long." + +"I know it is," said Frisbee. "I like it long. It's so +Roycrofty." + +"It is very long," said the barber with a wistful expression. + +"I like it very long," said Frisbee. "I like to have people come +up to me on the street and call me Mr. Sutherland and ask me how +I left my sisters? I like to be mistaken for a Russian pianist. +I like for strangers to stop me and ask me how's everything up at +East Aurora. In short, I like it long." + +"Yes, sir," said the barber, "quite so, sir; but it's very long, +particularly here in the back--it covers your coat collar." + +"Indeed?" said Frisbee. "You say it covers my coat collar?" + +"Yes, sir," said the barber. "You can't see the coat collar at +all." + +"Have you got a good sharp pair of shears there?" said Frisbee. + +"Oh, yes, sir," said the barber. + +"All right then," said Frisbee; "cut the collar off." + +But not all of us, as I said before, have this ready gift of parry +and thrust that distinguishes my friend Frisbee. Mostly we weakly +surrender. Or if we refuse to surrender, demanding just a shave +by itself and nothing else, what then follows? In my own case, +speaking personally, I know exactly what follows. I do not like +to have any powder dabbed on my face when I am through shaving. +I believe in letting the bloom of youth show through your skin, +providing you have any bloom of youth to do so. I always take +pains to state my views in this regard at least twice during the +operation of being shaved--once at the start when the barber has +me all lathered up, with soapsuds dripping from the flanges of my +shell-like ears and running down my neck, and once again toward +the close of the operation, when he has laid aside his razor and +is sousing my defenseless features in a liquid that smells and +tastes a good deal like those scented pink blotters they used to +give away at drug-stores to advertise somebody's cologne. + +Does the barber respect my wishes in this regard? Certainly not. +He insists on powdering me, either before my eyes or surreptitiously +and in a clandestine manner. If he didn't powder me up he would +lose his sense of self-respect, and probably the union would take +his card away from him. I think there is something in the +constitution and by-laws requiring that I be powdered up. I have +fought the good fight for years, but I'm always powdered. Sometimes +the crafty foe dissembles. He pretends that he is not going to +powder me up. But all of a sudden when my back is turned, as it +were, he grabs up his powder swab and makes a quick swoop upon me +and the hellish deed is done. I should be pleased to hear from +other victims of this practice suggesting any practical relief +short of homicide. I do not wish to kill a barber--there are +several other orders in ahead, referring to the persons I intend +to kill off first--but I may be driven to it. + +After he has gashed me casually hither and yen, and sluiced down +my helpless countenance with the carefree abandon of a +livery-stable hand washing off a buggy, and after, as above stated, +he has covered up the traces of his crime with powder, the barber +next takes a towel and folds it over his right hand, as prescribed +in the rules and regulations, and then he dabs me with that towel +on various parts of my face nine hundred and seventy-four--974-- +separate and distinct times. I know the exact number of dabs +because I have taken the trouble to keep count. I may be in as +great a hurry as you can imagine; I may be but a poor nervous wreck +already, as I am; I may be quivering to be up and away from there, +but he dabs me with his towel--he dabs me until reason totters on +her throne--sometimes just a tiny tot, as the saying goes, or it +may be that the whole cerebral structure is involved--and then when +he is apparently all through the Demoniac Dabber comes back and +dabs me one more fiendish, deliberate and premeditated dab, making +nine hundred and seventy-five dabs in all. He has to do it; it's in +the ritual that I and you and everybody must have that last dab. +I wonder how many gibbering idiots there are in the asylum today +whose reason was overthrown by being dabbed that last farewell dab. +I know from my own experience that I can feel the little dark-green +gibbers sloshing round inside of me every time it happens, and +some day my mind will give away altogether and there'll be a hurry +call sent in for the wagon with the lock on the back door. Yet it +is of no avail to cavil or protest; we cannot hope to escape; we +can only sit there in mute and helpless misery and be filled with +a great envy for Mexican hairless dogs. + +For quite a spell now we have been speaking of hair on the face; +at this point we revert to hair in its relation to the head. There +are some few among us, mainly professional Southerners and leading +men, who retain the bulk of the hair on their heads through life; +but with most of us the circumstances are different. Your hair +goes from you. You don't seem to notice it at first; then all of +a sudden you wake up to the realization that your head is working +its way up through the hair. You start in then desperately doing +things for your hair in the hope of inducing it to stick round the +old place a while longer, but it has heard the call of the wild +and it is on its way. There's no detaining it. You soak your +skull in lotions until your brain softens and your hat-band gets +moldy from the damp, but your hair keeps right on going. + +After a while it is practically gone. If only about two-thirds of +it is gone your head looks like a great auk's egg in a snug nest; +but if most of it goes there is something about you that suggests +the Glacial Period, with an icy barren peak rising high above the +vegetation line, where a thin line of heroic strands still cling +to the slopes. You are bald then, a subject fit for the japes of +the wicked and universally coupled in the betting with onions, with +hard-boiled eggs and with the front row of orchestra chairs at a +musical show. + +At this time of writing baldness is creeping insidiously up each +side of my head. It is executing flank movements from the temples +northward, and some day the two columns will meet and after that +I'll be considerably more of a highbrow than I am now. At present +I am craftily combing the remaining thatch in the middle and +smoothing it out nice and flat, so as to keep those bare spots +covered--thinly perhaps, but nevertheless covered. It is my +earnest desire to continue to keep them covered. I am not a +professional beauty; I am not even what you would call a good +amateur beauty; and I want to make what little hair I have go as +far as it conveniently can. But does the barber to whom I repair +at frequent intervals coincide with my desires in this respect? +Again I reply he does not. Every time I go in I speak to him +about it. I say to him: "Woodman, spare that hair, touch not a +single strand; in youth it sheltered me and I'll protect it now." +Or in substance that. + +He says yes, he will, but he doesn't mean it. He waits until he +can catch me with my guard down. Then he seizes a comb, and using +the edge of his left hand as a bevel and operating his right with +a sort of free-arm Spencerian movement, he roaches my hair up in a +scallop effect on either side, and upon reaching the crest he +fights with it and wrestles with it until he makes it stand erect +in a feather-edged design. I can tell by his expression that he +is pleased with this arrangement. He loves to send his victims +forth into the world tufted like the fretful cockatoo. He likes +to see surging waves of hair dash high on a stern and rockbound +head. His sense of the artistic demands such a result. + +What cares he how I feel about it so long as the higher cravings +of his own nature are satisfied? But I resent it--I resent it +bitterly. I object to having my head look like a real-estate +development with an opening for a new street going up each side +and an ornamental design in fancy landscape gardening across the +top. If I permit this I won't be able to keep on saying that I +was twenty-seven on my last birthday, with some hope of getting +away with it. So I insist that he put my front hair right back +where he found it. He does so, under protest and begrudgingly, +it is true, but he does it. And then, watching his opportunity, +he runs in on me and overpowers me and roaches it up some more. + +If I weaken and submit he is happy as the day is long. If he +gets it roached up on both sides that will make me look like a +horizontal-bar performer, which is his idea of manly beauty. Or +if he gets it roached up on one side only there is still some +consolation in it for him I'm liable to be mistaken anywhere for +a trained-animal performer. But once in a very great while he +doesn't get it roached up on either side, but has to stand there +and suffer as he sees me walk forth into the world with my hair +combed to suit me and not him. I can tell by his look that he is +grieved and downcast, and that he will probably go home and be +cross to the children. He has but one solace--he hopes to have +better luck with me next time. And probably he will. + +The last age of hair is a wig. But wigs are not so very +satisfactory either. I've seen all the known varieties of wigs, +and I never saw one yet that looked as though it were even on +speaking terms with the head that was under it. A wig always +looks as though it were a total stranger to the head and had just +lit there a minute to rest, preparatory to flying along to the +next head. Nevertheless, I think on the whole I'll be happier +when my time comes to wear one, because then no barber can roach +me up. + + + + + +Hands and Feet + + + + +Nearly every boy has a period in his life when he is filled with +an envious admiration for the East India god with the extra set of +arms--Vishnu, I think this party's name is. To a small boy it +seems a grand thing to have a really adequate assortment of hands. +He considers the advantage of such an arrangement in school--two +hands in plain view above the desk holding McGuffy's Fourth Reader +at the proper angle for study and the other two out of sight, down +underneath the desk engaged in manufacturing paper wads or playing +crack-a-loo or some other really worth while employment. + +Or for robbing birds' nests. There would be two hands for use in +skinning up the tree, and one hand for scaring off the mother bird +and one hand for stealing the eggs. And for hanging on behind +wagons the combination positively could not be beaten. Then there +would be the gaudy conspicuousness of going around with four arms +weaving in and out in a kind of spidery effect while less favored +boys were forced to content themselves with just an ordinary and +insufficient pair. Really, there was only one drawback to the +contemplation of this scheme--there'd be twice as many hands to +wash when company was coming to dinner. + +Generally speaking a boy's hands give him no serious concern during +the first few years of his life except at such times as his mother +grows officious and fussy and insists that they ought to be washed +up as far as the regular place for washing a boy's hands, to wit, +about midway between the knuckles and the wrist. The fact that one +finger is usually in a state of mashedness is no drawback, but a +benefit. The presence of a soiled rag around a finger gives to a +boy's hand a touch of distinctiveness--singles it out from ordinary +unmaimed hands. Its presence has been known to excuse its happy +possessor from such chores as bringing in wood for the kitchen +stove or pulling dock weeds out of the grass in a front yard where +it would be much easier and quicker to pull the grass out of the +dock weeds. It may even be made a source of profit by removing the +wrappings and charging two china marbles a look. I seem to recall +that in the case of a specially attractive injury, such as a thumb +nail knocked off or a deep cut which has refused to heal by first +intention or an imbedded splinter in process of being drawn out by +a scrap of fat meat, that as much as four china marbles could be +charged. + +On the Fourth of July you occasionally burned your hands and in +cold winters they chapped extensively across the knuckles but +these were but the marks and scars of honorable endeavor and a +hardy endurance. In our set the boy whose knuckles had the deepest +cracks in them was a prominent and admired figure, crowned, as you +might say, with an imaginary chaplet by reason of his chaps. + +With girls, of course, it was different. + +Girls were superfluous and unnecessary creatures with a false and +inflated idea of the value of soap and water. Their hands weren't +good for much anyway. Later on we discovered that a girl's hands +were excellent for holding purposes in a hammock or while coming +back from a straw ride, but I am speaking now of the earlier stages +of our development, before the presence of the ostensibly weaker +sex began to awaken responsive throbs in our several bosoms--in +short when girls were merely nuisances and things to be ignored +whenever possible. In that early stage of his existence hands +have no altruistic or sentimental or ornamental value for a boy-- +they are for useful purposes altogether and are regarded as such. + +It is only when he has reached the age of tail coats and spike-fence +collars that he discovers two hands are frequently too many and +often not enough. They are too many at your first church wedding +when wearing your first pair of white kids and they are not enough +at a five o'clock tea. There is a type of male who can go to a +five o'clock tea and not fall over a lot of Louie Kahn's furniture +or get himself hopelessly tangled up in a hanging drapery and who +can seem perfectly at ease while holding in his hands a walking +stick, a pair of dove colored gloves, a two-quart hat, a cup of +tea with a slice of lemon peel in it, a tea spoon, a lump of sugar, +a seed cookie, an olive, and the hand of a lady with whom he is +discussing the true meaning of the message of the late Ibsen but +these gifted mortals are not common. They are rare and exotic. +There are also some few who can do ushing at a church wedding with +a pair of white kids on and not appear overly self-conscious. +These are also the exceptions. The great majority of us suffer +visibly under such circumstances. You have the feeling that each +hand weighs fully twenty-four pounds and that it is hanging out of +the sleeve for a distance of about one and three-quarters yards +and you don't know what to do with your hands and on the whole +would feel much more comfortable and decorative if they were both +sawed off at the wrists and hidden some place where you couldn't +find 'em. You have that feeling and you look it. You look as +though you were working in a plaster of paris factory and were +carrying home a couple of large sacks of samples. It would be +grand to be a Vishnu at a five o'clock tea, but awful to be one +at a church wedding. + +About the time you find yourself embarking on a career of teas and +weddings you also begin to find yourself worrying about the +appearance of your hands. Up until now the hands have given you +no great concern one way or the other, but some day you wake to the +realization that you need to be manicured. Once you catch that +disease there is no hope for you. There are ways of curing you of +almost any habit except manicuring. You get so that you aren't +satisfied unless your nails run down about a quarter of an inch +further than nails were originally intended to run, and unless +they glitter freely you feel strangely distraught in company. +Inasmuch as no male creature's finger nails will glitter with the +desired degree of brilliancy for more than twenty-four short and +fleeting hours after a treatment you find yourself constantly in +the act of either just getting a manicure or just getting over one. +It is an expensive habit, too; it takes time and it takes money. +There's the fixed charge for manicuring in the first place and +then there's the tip. Once there was a manicure lady who wouldn't +take a tip, but she is now no more. Her indignant sisters stabbed +her to death with hat pins and nail-files. Manicuring as a public +profession is a comparatively recent development of our +civilization. The fathers of the republic and the founders of the +constitution, which was founded first and has been foundering ever +since if you can believe what a lot of people in Congress say--they +knew nothing of manicuring. Speaking by and large, they only got +their thumbs wet when doing one of three things--taking a bath, +going in swimming or turning a page in a book. Washington probably +was never manicured nor Jefferson nor Franklin; it's a cinch that +Daniel Boone and Israel Putnam and George Rogers Clark weren't and +yet it is generally conceded that they got along fairly well +without it. But as the campaign orators are forever pointing out +from the hustlers and the forum, this is an age calling for change +and advancement. And manicuring is one of the advancements that +likewise calls for the change--for fifty cents in change anyhow +and more if you are inclined to be generous with the tip. + +Shall you ever forget your first manicure? The shan'ts are +unanimously in the majority. It seems an easy thing to walk into +a manicure parlor or a barber shop and shove your hands across a +little table to a strange young woman and tell her to go ahead and +shine 'em up a bit--the way you hear old veteran manicurees saying +it. It seems easy, I say, and looks easy; but it isn't as easy as +it seems. Until you get hardened, it requires courage of a very +high order. You, the abashed novice, see other men sitting in the +front window of the manicure shop just as debonair and cozy as +though they'd been born and raised there, swapping the ready +repartee of the day with dashing creatures of a frequently blonde +aspect, and you imagine they have always done so. You little know +that these persons who are now appearing so much at home and who +can snap out those bright, witty things like "I gotcher Steve," +and "Well, see who's here?" without a moment's hesitation and +without having to stop and think for the right word or the right +phrase but have it right there on the tip of the tongue--you little +reck that they too passed through the same initiation which you +now contemplate. Yet such is the case. + +You have dress rehearsals--private ones--in your room. In the +seclusion of your bed chamber you picture yourself opening the door +of the marble manicure hall and stepping in with a brisk yet +graceful tread--like James K. Hackett making an entrance in the +first act--and glancing about you casually--like John Drew counting +up the house--and saying "Hello girlies, how're all the little +Heart's Delights this afternoon?" just like that, and picking out +the most sumptuous and attractive of the flattered young ladies in +waiting; and sinking easily into the chair opposite her--see photos +of William Faversham and throwing the coat lapels back, at the same +time resting the left hand clenched upon the upper thigh with the +elbow well out--Donald Brian asking a lady to waltz--and offering +the right hand to the favored female and telling her to go as far +as she likes with it. It sounds simple when you figuring it out +alone, but it rarely works out that way in practice. It is my +belief that every woman longs for the novelty of a Turkish bath +and every man for the novelty of a manicure long before either +dares to tackle it. I may be wrong but this is my belief. And +in the case of the man he usually makes a number of false starts. + +You go to the portals and hesitate and then, stumbling across the +threshold, you either dive on through to the barber shop--if there +is a barber shop in connection--or else you mumble something about +being in a hurry and coming back again, and retreat with all the +grace and ease that would be shown by a hard shell crab that was +trying to back into the mouth of a milkbottle. You are likely to +do this several times; but finally some day you stick. You slump +down into one of those little chairs and offer your hands or one +of them to a calm and slightly arrogant looking young lady and you +tell her to please shine them up a little. You endeavor to appear +as though you had been doing this at frequent periods stretching +through a great number of years, but she--bless her little heart!-- +she knows better than that. The female of the manicuring species +is not to be deceived by any such cheap and transparent artifices. +If you wore a peekaboo waist she couldn't see through you any +easier. Your hands would give you away if your face didn't. In +a sibulent aside, she addresses the young lady at the next table-- +the one with the nine bracelets and the hair done up delicatessen +store mode--sausages, rolls and buns--whereupon both of them laugh +in a significant, silvery way, and you feel the back of your neck +setting your collar on fire. You can smell the bone button back +there scorching and you're glad it's not celluloid, celluloid being +more inflammable and subject to combustion when subjected to +intense heat. + +When both have laughed their merry fill, the young woman who has +you in charge looks you right in the eye and says: + +"Dearie me; you'll pardon me saying so, but your nails are in a +perfectly turrible state. I don't think I've seen a jumpman's +nails in such a state for ever so long. Pardon me again--but how +long has it been since you had them did?" + +To which you reply in what is meant to be a jaunty and off-hand +tone: + +"Oh quite some little while. I've--I've been out of town." + +"That's what I thought," she says with a slight shrug. It isn't +so much what she says--it's the way she says it, the tone and all +that, which makes you feel smaller and smaller until you could +crawl into your own watch pocket and live happily there ever after. +There'd be slews of room and when you wanted the air of an evening +you could climb up in a buttonhole of your vest and be quite cosy +and comfortable. But shrink as you may, there is now no hope of +escape, for she has reached out and grabbed you firmly by the +wrist. She has you fast. You have a feeling that eight or nine +thousand people have assembled behind you and are all gazing fixedly +into the small of your back. The only things about you that haven't +shrivelled up are your hands. You can feel them growing larger +and larger and redder and redder and more prominent and conspicuous +every instant. + +The lady begins operations. You are astonished to note how many +tools and implements it takes to manicure a pair of hands properly. +The top of her little table is full of them and she pulls open a +drawer and shows you some more, ranged in rows. There are files +and steel biters and pigeon-toed scissors and scrapers and +polishers and things; and wads of cotton with which to staunch the +blood of the wounded, and bottles of liquid and little medicinal +looking jars full of red paste; and a cut glass crock with soap +suds in it and a whole lot of little orange wood stobbers. + +In the interest of truth I have taken the pains to enquire and I +have ascertained that these stobbers are invariably of orange +wood. Say what you will, the orange tree is a hardy growth. +Every February you read in the papers that the Florida orange crop, +for the third consecutive time since Christmas has been entirely +and totally destroyed by frost and yet there is always an adequate +supply on hand of the principal products of the orange-phosphate +for the soda fountains, blossoms for the bride, political +sentiment for the North of Ireland and little sharp stobbers for +the manicure lady. Speaking as an outsider I would say that there +ought to be other varieties of wood that would serve as well and +bring about the desired results as readily--a good thorny variety +of poison ivy ought to fill the bill, I should think. But it +seems that orange wood is absolutely essential. A manicure lady +could no more do a manicure properly without using an orange wood +stobber at certain periods than a cartoonist could draw a picture +of a man in jail without putting a ball and chain on him or a +summer resort could get along without a Lover's Leap within easy +walking distance of the hotel. It simply isn't done, that's all. + +Well, as I was saying, she gets out her tool kit and goes to work +on you. You didn't dream that there were so many things--mainly +of a painful nature--that could be done to a single finger nail and +you flinch as you suddenly remember that you have ten of them in +all, counting thumbs in with fingers. She takes a finger nail in +hand and she files it and she trims it and she softens it with hot +water and hardens it with chemicals and parboils it a little while +and then she cuts off the hang nails--if there aren't any hang +nails there already she'll make a few--and she shears away enough +extra cuticle to cover quite a good-sized little boy. She goes +over you with a bristle brush, and warms up your nerve ends until +you tingle clear back to your dorsal fin and then she takes one +of those orange wood stobbers previously referred to, and goes on +an exploring expedition down under the nail, looking for the quick. +She always finds it. There is no record of a failure to find the +quick. Having found it she proceeds to wake it up and teach it +some parlor tricks. I may not have set forth all these various +details in the exact order in which they take place, but I know +she does them all. And somewhere along about the time when she +is half way through with the first hand she makes you put the +other hand in the suds. + +Later on when you have had more practice at this thing you learn +to wait for the signal before plunging the second hand into the +suds, but being green on this occasion, you are apt to mistake +the moving of the crock of suds over from the right hand side to +the left hand side as a notice and to poke your untouched hand +right in without further orders, hoping to get it softened up +well so as to save her trouble in trimming it down to a size +which will suit her. But this is wrong--this is very wrong, as +she tells you promptly, with a pitying smile for your ignorance. +Manicure girls are as careful about boiling a hand as some +particular people are about bailing their eggs for breakfast of a +morning. A two minute hand is no pleasure to her absolutely if +she has diagnosed your hand as one calling for six minutes, or +vice versa. So, should you err in this regard she will snatch +the offending hand out and wipe it off and give it back to you +and tell you to keep it in a dry place until she calls for it. +Manicure girls are very funny that way. + +Thus time passes on and on and by degrees you begin to feel more +and more at home. Your bashfulness is wearing off. The coherent +power of speech has returned to you and you have exchanged views +with her on the relative merits of the better known brands of +chewing gum and which kind holds the flavor longest, and you have +swapped ideas on the issue of whether ladies should or should not +smoke cigarettes in public and she knows how much your stick pin +cost you and you know what her favorite flower is. You are +getting along fine, when all of a sudden she dabs your nails with +a red paste and then snatches up a kind of a polishing tool and +ferociously rubs your fingers until they catch on fire. Just +when the conflagration threatens to become general she stops using +the polisher and proceeds to cool down the ruins by gently +burnishing your nails against the soft, pink palm of her hand. You +like this better than the other way. You could ignite yourself by +friction almost any time, if you got hold of the right kind of a +chamois skin rubber, but this is quite different and highly soothing. +You are beginning to really enjoy the sensation when she roguishly +pats the back of your hand--pitty pat--as a signal that the operation +is now over. You pay the check and tip the lady--tip her fifty +cents if you wish to be regarded as a lovely jumpman or only +twenty-five cents if you are satisfied with being a vurry nice +fella--and you secure your hat and step forth into the open with +the feeling of one who has taken a trip into a distant domain and +on the whole has rather enjoyed it. + +You stand in the sunlight and waggle your fingers and you are +struck with the desirable glitter that flits from finger tip to +finger tip like a heleograph winking on a mountain top. It is +indeed a pleasing spectacle. You decide that hereafter you will +always glitter so. It is cheaper than wearing diamonds and much +more refined, and so you take good care of your fingers all that +day and carefully refrain from dipping them in the brine while +engaged in the well known indoor sport of spearing for dill +pickles at the business men's lunch. + +But the next morning when you wake up the desirable glitter is +gone. You only glimmer dully--your fingers do not sparkle and +dazzle and scintillate as they did. As Francois Villon, the French +poet would undoubtedly have said had manicures been known at the +time he was writing his poems, "Where are the manicures of +yesterday?" instead of making it, "Where are the snows of +yesteryear?" there being no answer ready for either question, except +that the manicures of yesterday like the snows of yesteryear are +never there when you start looking for them. They have just +naturally got up and gone away, leaving no forwarding address. + +You have now been launched upon your career as a manicuree. You +never get over it. You either get married and your wife does your +nails for you, thus saving you large sums of money, but failing to +impart the high degree of polish and the spice of romance noticed +in connection with the same job when done away from home, or you +continue to patronize the regular establishments and become known +in time as Polished Percival, the Pet of the Manicure Parlor. But +in either event your hands which once were hands and nothing more, +have become a source of added trouble and expense to you. + +Speaking of hands naturally brings one to the subject of feet, +which was intended originally to be the theme for the last half +of this chapter, but unfortunately I find I have devoted so much +space to your hands that there is but little room left for your +feet and so far as your feet are concerned, we must content +ourselves on this occasion with a few general statements. + +Feet, I take it, speaking both from experience and observation, +are even more trouble to us than hands are. There are still a +good many of us left who go through life without doing anything +much for our hands but with our feet it is different. They +thrust themselves upon us so to speak, demanding care and +attention. This goes for all sizes and all ages of feet. From +the time you are a small boy and suffer from stone bruises in the +summer and chilblains in the winter, on through life you're beset +with corns and callouses and falling of the instep and all the +other ills that feet are heir to. + +The rich limp with the gout, the moderately well to do content +themselves with an active ingrown nail or so, and the poor man +goes out and drops an iron casting on his toe. Nearly every male +who lives to reach the voting age has a period of mental weakness +in his youth when he wears those pointed shoes that turn up at the +ends, like sleigh runners; and spends the rest of his life +regretting it. Feet are certainly ungrateful things. I might say +that they are proverbially ungrateful. You do for them and they +do you. You get one corn, hard or soft, cured up or removed +bodily and a whole crowd of its relatives come to take its place. +I imagine that Nature intended we should go barefooted and is now +getting even with us because we didn't. Our poor, painful feet go +with us through all the years and every step in life is marked by +a pang of some sort. And right on up to the end of our days, our +feet are getting more infirm and more troublesome and more crotchety +and harder to bear with all the time. How many are there right +now who have one foot in the grave and the other at the +chiropodist's? Thousands, I reckon. + +Napoleon said an army traveled on its stomach. I don't blame the +army, far from it; I've often wished I could travel that way myself, +and I've no doubt so has every other man who ever crowded a number +nine and three-quarters foot into a number eight patent-leather +shoe, and then went to call on friends residing in a steam-heated +apartment. As what man has not? Once the green-corn dance was an +exclusive thing with the Sioux Indians, but it may now be witnessed +when one man steps on another man's toes in a crowd. + +We are accustomed to make fun of the humble worm of the dust but +in one respect the humble worm certainly has it on us. He goes +through existence without any hands and any feet to bother him. +Indeed in this regard I can think of but one creature in all +creation who is worse off than we poor humans are. That is the +lowly ear wig. Think of being an ear wig, that suffers from fallen +arches himself and has a wife that suffers from cold feet! + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Cobb's Anatomy, by Irvin S. Cobb + diff --git a/old/old/canat10.zip b/old/old/canat10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a26bd3b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old/canat10.zip |