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diff --git a/12213-0.txt b/12213-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0184f11 --- /dev/null +++ b/12213-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,545 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12213 *** + +ODD CRAFT + +By W.W. Jacobs + + + +ODD CHARGES + +Seated at his ease in the warm tap-room of the Cauliflower, the stranger +had been eating and drinking for some time, apparently unconscious of the +presence of the withered ancient who, huddled up in that corner of the +settle which was nearer to the fire, fidgeted restlessly with an empty +mug and blew with pathetic insistence through a churchwarden pipe which +had long been cold. The stranger finished his meal with a sigh of +content and then, rising from his chair, crossed over to the settle and, +placing his mug on the time-worn table before him, began to fill his +pipe. + +[Illustration: "Seated at his ease in the warm tap-room of the +Cauliflower."] + +The old man took a spill from the table and, holding it with trembling +fingers to the blaze, gave him a light. The other thanked him, and then, +leaning back in his corner of the settle, watched the smoke of his pipe +through half-closed eyes, and assented drowsily to the old man's remarks +upon the weather. + +"Bad time o' the year for going about," said the latter, "though I s'pose +if you can eat and drink as much as you want it don't matter. I s'pose +you mightn't be a conjurer from London, sir?" + +The traveller shook his head. + +"I was 'oping you might be," said the old man. The other manifested no +curiosity. + +"If you 'ad been," said the old man, with a sigh, "I should ha' asked you +to ha' done something useful. Gin'rally speaking, conjurers do things +that are no use to anyone; wot I should like to see a conjurer do would +be to make this 'ere empty mug full o' beer and this empty pipe full o' +shag tobacco. That's wot I should ha' made bold to ask you to do if +you'd been one." + +The traveller sighed, and, taking his short briar pipe from his mouth by +the bowl, rapped three times upon the table with it. In a very short +time a mug of ale and a paper cylinder of shag appeared on the table +before the old man. + +"Wot put me in mind o' your being a conjurer," said the latter, filling +his pipe after a satisfying draught from the mug, "is that you're +uncommon like one that come to Claybury some time back and give a +performance in this very room where we're now a-sitting. So far as +looks go, you might be his brother." + +The traveller said that he never had a brother. + +We didn't know 'e was a conjurer at fust, said the old man. He 'ad come +down for Wickham Fair and, being a day or two before 'and, 'e was going +to different villages round about to give performances. He came into the +bar 'ere and ordered a mug o' beer, and while 'e was a-drinking of it +stood talking about the weather. Then 'e asked Bill Chambers to excuse +'im for taking the liberty, and, putting his 'and to Bill's mug, took out +a live frog. Bill was a very partikler man about wot 'e drunk, and I +thought he'd ha' had a fit. He went on at Smith, the landlord, something +shocking, and at last, for the sake o' peace and quietness, Smith gave +'im another pint to make up for it. + +[Illustration: "Putting his 'and to Bill's mug, he took out a live +frog."] + +"It must ha' been asleep in the mug," he ses. + +Bill said that 'e thought 'e knew who must ha' been asleep, and was just +going to take a drink, when the conjurer asked 'im to excuse 'im agin. +Bill put down the mug in a 'urry, and the conjurer put his 'and to the +mug and took out a dead mouse. It would ha' been a 'ard thing to say +which was the most upset, Bill Chambers or Smith, the landlord, and Bill, +who was in a terrible state, asked why it was everything seemed to get +into his mug. + +"P'r'aps you're fond o' dumb animals, sir," ses the conjurer. "Do you +'appen to notice your coat-pocket is all of a wriggle?" + +He put his 'and to Bill's pocket and took out a little green snake; then +he put his 'and to Bill's trouser-pocket and took out a frog, while pore +Bill's eyes looked as if they was corning out o' their sockets. + +"Keep still," ses the conjurer; "there's a lot more to come yet." + +Bill Chambers gave a 'owl that was dreadful to listen to, and then 'e +pushed the conjurer away and started undressing 'imself as fast as he +could move 'is fingers. I believe he'd ha' taken off 'is shirt if it 'ad +'ad pockets in it, and then 'e stuck 'is feet close together and 'e kept +jumping into the air, and coming down on to 'is own clothes in his +hobnailed boots. + +"He ain't fond o' dumb animals, then," ses the conjurer. Then he put his +'and on his 'art and bowed. + +"Gentlemen all," he ses. "'Aving given you this specimen of wot I can +do, I beg to give notice that with the landlord's kind permission I shall +give my celebrated conjuring entertainment in the tap-room this evening +at seven o'clock; ad--mission, three-pence each." + +They didn't understand 'im at fust, but at last they see wot 'e meant, +and arter explaining to Bill, who was still giving little jumps, they led +'im up into a corner and coaxed 'im into dressing 'imself agin. He wanted +to fight the conjurer, but 'e was that tired 'e could scarcely stand, and +by-and-by Smith, who 'ad said 'e wouldn't 'ave anything to do with it, +gave way and said he'd risk it. + +The tap-room was crowded that night, but we all 'ad to pay threepence +each--coining money, I call it. Some o' the things wot he done was very +clever, but a'most from the fust start-off there was unpleasantness. +When he asked somebody to lend 'im a pocket-'andkercher to turn into a +white rabbit, Henery Walker rushed up and lent 'im 'is, but instead of a +white rabbit it turned into a black one with two white spots on it, and +arter Henery Walker 'ad sat for some time puzzling over it 'e got up and +went off 'ome without saying good-night to a soul. + +Then the conjurer borrowed Sam Jones's hat, and arter looking into it for +some time 'e was that surprised and astonished that Sam Jones lost 'is +temper and asked 'im whether he 'adn't seen a hat afore. + +"Not like this," ses the conjurer. And 'e pulled out a woman's dress and +jacket and a pair o' boots. Then 'e took out a pound or two o' taters +and some crusts o' bread and other things, and at last 'e gave it back to +Sam Jones and shook 'is head at 'im, and told 'im if he wasn't very +careful he'd spoil the shape of it. + +Then 'e asked somebody to lend 'im a watch, and, arter he 'ad promised to +take the greatest care of it, Dicky Weed, the tailor, lent 'im a gold +watch wot 'ad been left 'im by 'is great-aunt when she died. Dicky Weed +thought a great deal o' that watch, and when the conjurer took a +flat-iron and began to smash it up into little bits it took three men +to hold 'im down in 'is seat. + +"This is the most difficult trick o' the lot," ses the conjurer, picking +off a wheel wot 'ad stuck to the flat-iron. "Sometimes I can do it and +sometimes I can't. Last time I tried it it was a failure, and it cost me +eighteenpence and a pint o' beer afore the gentleman the watch 'ad +belonged to was satisfied. I gave 'im the bits, too." + +"If you don't give me my watch back safe and sound," ses Dicky Weed, in a +trembling voice, "it'll cost you twenty pounds." + +"'Ow much?" ses the conjurer, with a start. "Well, I wish you'd told me +that afore you lent it to me. Eighteenpence is my price." + +He stirred the broken bits up with 'is finger and shook his 'ead. + +"I've never tried one o' these old-fashioned watches afore," he ses. +"'Owever, if I fail, gentle-men, it'll be the fust and only trick I've +failed in to-night. You can't expect everything to turn out right, but +if I do fail this time, gentlemen, I'll try it agin if anybody else'll +lend me another watch." + +Dicky Weed tried to speak but couldn't, and 'e sat there, with 'is face +pale, staring at the pieces of 'is watch on the conjurer's table. Then +the conjurer took a big pistol with a trumpet-shaped barrel out of 'is +box, and arter putting in a charge o' powder picked up the pieces o' +watch and rammed them in arter it. We could hear the broken bits grating +agin the ramrod, and arter he 'ad loaded it 'e walked round and handed it +to us to look at. + +"It's all right," he ses to Dicky Weed; "it's going to be a success; I +could tell in the loading." + +He walked back to the other end of the room and held up the pistol. + +"I shall now fire this pistol," 'e ses, "and in so doing mend the watch. +The explosion of the powder makes the bits o' glass join together agin; +in flying through the air the wheels go round and round collecting all +the other parts, and the watch as good as new and ticking away its +'ardest will be found in the coat-pocket o' the gentleman I shoot at." + +He pointed the pistol fust at one and then at another, as if 'e couldn't +make up 'is mind, and none of 'em seemed to 'ave much liking for it. +Peter Gubbins told 'im not to shoot at 'im because he 'ad a 'ole in his +pocket, and Bill Chambers, when it pointed at 'im, up and told 'im to let +somebody else 'ave a turn. The only one that didn't flinch was Bob +Pretty, the biggest poacher and the greatest rascal in Claybury. He'd +been making fun o' the tricks all along, saying out loud that he'd seen +'em all afore--and done better. + +"Go on," he ses; "I ain't afraid of you; you can't shoot straight." + +The conjurer pointed the pistol at 'im. Then 'e pulled the trigger and +the pistol went off bang, and the same moment o' time Bob Pretty jumped +up with a 'orrible scream, and holding his 'ands over 'is eyes danced +about as though he'd gone mad. + +Everybody started up at once and got round 'im, and asked 'im wot was the +matter; but Bob didn't answer 'em. He kept on making a dreadful noise, +and at last 'e broke out of the room and, holding 'is 'andkercher to 'is +face, ran off 'ome as 'ard as he could run. + +"You've done it now, mate," ses Bill Chambers to the conjurer. "I +thought you wouldn't be satisfied till you'd done some 'arm. You've been +and blinded pore Bob Pretty." + +"Nonsense," ses the conjurer. "He's frightened, that's all." + +"Frightened!" ses Peter Gubbins. "Why, you fired Dicky Weed's watch +straight into 'is face." + +"Rubbish," ses the conjurer; "it dropped into 'is pocket, and he'll find +it there when 'e comes to 'is senses." + +"Do you mean to tell me that Bob Pretty 'as gone off with my watch in 'is +pocket?" screams Dicky Weed. + +"I do," ses the other. + +"You'd better get 'old of Bob afore 'e finds it out, Dicky," ses Bill +Chambers. + +Dicky Weed didn't answer 'im; he was already running along to Bob +Pretty's as fast as 'is legs would take 'im, with most of us follering +behind to see wot 'appened. + +[Illustration: "He was running along to Bob Pretty's as fast as 'is legs +would take 'im."] + +The door was fastened when we got to it, but Dicky Weed banged away at it +as 'ard as he could bang, and at last the bedroom winder went up and +Mrs. Pretty stuck her 'ead out. + +"H'sh!" she ses, in a whisper. "Go away." + +"I want to see Bob," ses Dicky Weed. + +"You can't see 'im," ses Mrs. Pretty. "I'm getting 'im to bed. He's +been shot, pore dear. Can't you 'ear 'im groaning?" + +We 'adn't up to then, but a'most direckly arter she 'ad spoke you could +ha' heard Bob's groans a mile away. Dreadful, they was. + +"There, there, pore dear," ses Mrs. Pretty. + +"Shall I come in and 'elp you get 'im to bed?" ses Dicky Weed, 'arf +crying. + +"No, thank you, Mr. Weed," ses Mrs. Pretty. "It's very kind of you to +offer, but 'e wouldn't like any hands but mine to touch 'im. I'll send +in and let you know 'ow he is fust thing in the morning." + +"Try and get 'old of the coat, Dicky," ses Bill Chambers, in a whisper. +"Offer to mend it for 'im. It's sure to want it." + +"Well, I'm sorry I can't be no 'elp to you," ses Dicky Weed, "but I +noticed a rent in Bob's coat and, as 'e's likely to be laid up a bit, it +ud be a good opportunity for me to mend it for 'im. I won't charge 'im +nothing. If you drop it down I'll do it now." + +"Thankee," ses Mrs. Pretty; "if you just wait a moment I'll clear the +pockets out and drop it down to you." + +She turned back into the bedroom, and Dicky Weed ground 'is teeth +together and told Bill Chambers that the next time he took 'is advice +he'd remember it. He stood there trembling all over with temper, and +when Mrs. Pretty came to the winder agin and dropped the coat on his 'ead +and said that Bob felt his kindness very much, and he 'oped Dicky ud make +a good job of it, because it was 'is favrite coat, he couldn't speak. +He stood there shaking all over till Mrs. Pretty 'ad shut the winder down +agin, and then 'e turned to the conjurer, as 'ad come up with the rest of +us, and asked 'im wot he was going to do about it now. + +"I tell you he's got the watch," ses the conjurer, pointing up at the +winder. "It went into 'is pocket. I saw it go. He was no more shot +than you were. If 'e was, why doesn't he send for the doctor?" + +"I can't 'elp that," ses Dicky Weed. "I want my watch or else twenty +pounds." + +"We'll talk it over in a day or two," ses the conjurer. "I'm giving my +celebrated entertainment at Wickham Fair on Monday, but I'll come back +'ere to the Cauliflower the Saturday before and give another +entertainment, and then we'll see wot's to be done. I can't run away, +because in any case I can't afford to miss the fair." + +Dicky Weed gave way at last and went off 'ome to bed and told 'is wife +about it, and listening to 'er advice he got up at six o'clock in the +morning and went round to see 'ow Bob Pretty was. + +Mrs. Pretty was up when 'e got there, and arter calling up the stairs to +Bob told Dicky Weed to go upstairs. Bob Pretty was sitting up in bed +with 'is face covered in bandages, and he seemed quite pleased to see +'im. + +"It ain't everybody that ud get up at six o'clock to see 'ow I'm getting +on," he ses. "You've got a feeling 'art, Dicky." + +Dicky Weed coughed and looked round, wondering whether the watch was in +the room, and, if so, where it was hidden. + +"Now I'm 'ere I may as well tidy up the room for you a bit," he ses, +getting up. "I don't like sitting idle." + +"Thankee, mate," ses Bob; and 'e lay still and watched Dicky Weed out of +the corner of the eye that wasn't covered with the bandages. + +I don't suppose that room 'ad ever been tidied up so thoroughly since the +Prettys 'ad lived there, but Dicky Weed couldn't see anything o' the +watch, and wot made 'im more angry than anything else was Mrs. Pretty +setting down in a chair with 'er 'ands folded in her lap and pointing out +places that he 'adn't done. + +"You leave 'im alone," ses Bob. "_He knows wot 'e's arter_. Wot did you +do with those little bits o' watch you found when you was bandaging me +up, missis?" + +"Don't ask me," ses Mrs. Pretty. "I was in such a state I don't know wot +I was doing 'ardly." + +"Well, they must be about somewhere," ses Bob. "You 'ave a look for 'em, +Dicky, and if you find 'em, keep 'em. They belong to you." + +Dicky Weed tried to be civil and thank 'im, and then he went off 'ome and +talked it over with 'is wife agin. People couldn't make up their minds +whether Bob Pretty 'ad found the watch in 'is pocket and was shamming, or +whether 'e was really shot, but they was all quite certain that, +whichever way it was, Dicky Weed would never see 'is watch agin. + +On the Saturday evening this 'ere Cauliflower public-'ouse was crowded, +everybody being anxious to see the watch trick done over agin. We had +'eard that it 'ad been done all right at Cudford and Monksham; but Bob +Pretty said as 'ow he'd believe it when 'e saw it, and not afore. + +He was one o' the fust to turn up that night, because 'e said 'e wanted +to know wot the conjurer was going to pay him for all 'is pain and +suffering and having things said about 'is character. He came in leaning +on a stick, with 'is face still bandaged, and sat right up close to the +conjurer's table, and watched him as 'ard as he could as 'e went through +'is tricks. + +"And now," ses the conjurer, at last, "I come to my celebrated watch +trick. Some of you as wos 'ere last Tuesday when I did it will remember +that the man I fired the pistol at pretended that 'e'd been shot and run +off 'ome with it in 'is pocket." + +"You're a liar!" ses Bob Pretty, standing up. "Very good," ses the +conjurer; "you take that bandage off and show us all where you're hurt." + +"I shall do nothing o' the kind," ses Bob. I don't take my orders from +you." + +"Take the bandage off," ses the conjurer, "and if there's any shot marks +I'll give you a couple o' sovereigns." + +"I'm afraid of the air getting to it," ses Bob Pretty. + +"You don't want to be afraid o' that, Bob," ses John Biggs, the +blacksmith, coming up behind and putting 'is great arms round 'im. "Take +off that rag, somebody; I've got hold of 'im." + +Bob Pretty started to struggle at fust, but then, seeing it was no good, +kept quite quiet while they took off the bandages. + +"There! look at 'im," ses the conjurer, pointing. "Not a mark on 'is +face, not one." + +"Wet!" ses Bob Pretty. "Do you mean to say there's no marks?" + +"I do," ses the conjurer. + +"Thank goodness," ses Bob Pretty, clasping his 'ands. "Thank goodness! +I was afraid I was disfigured for life. Lend me a bit o' looking-glass, +somebody. I can 'ardly believe it." + +"You stole Dicky Weed's watch," ses John Biggs. "I 'ad my suspicions of +you all along. You're a thief, Bob Pretty. That's wot you are." + +"Prove it," ses Bob Pretty. "You 'eard wot the conjurer said the other +night, that the last time he tried 'e failed, and 'ad to give +eighteenpence to the man wot the watch 'ad belonged to." + +"That was by way of a joke like," ses the conjurer to John Biggs. "I can +always do it. I'm going to do it now. Will somebody 'ave the kindness +to lend me a watch?" + +He looked all round the room, but nobody offered--except other men's +watches, wot wouldn't lend 'em. + +"Come, come," he ses; "ain't none of you got any trust in me? It'll be +as safe as if it was in your pocket. I want to prove to you that this +man is a thief." + +He asked 'em agin, and at last John Biggs took out 'is silver watch and +offered it to 'im on the understanding that 'e was on no account to fire +it into Bob Pretty's pocket. + +"Not likely," ses the conjurer. "Now, everybody take a good look at this +watch, so as to make sure there's no deceiving." + +He 'anded it round, and arter everybody 'ad taken a look at it 'e took it +up to the table and laid it down. + +"Let me 'ave a look at it," ses Bob Pretty, going up to the table. "I'm +not going to 'ave my good name took away for nothing if I can 'elp it." + +He took it up and looked at it, and arter 'olding it to 'is ear put it +down agin. + +"Is that the flat-iron it's going to be smashed with?" he ses. + +"It is," ses the conjurer, looking at 'im nasty like; "p'r'aps you'd like +to examine it." + +Bob Pretty took it and looked at it. "Yes, mates," he ses, "it's a +ordinary flat-iron. You couldn't 'ave anything better for smashing a +watch with." + +He 'eld it up in the air and, afore anybody could move, brought it down +bang on the face o' the watch. The conjurer sprang at 'im and caught at +'is arm, but it was too late, and in a terrible state o' mind 'e turned +round to John Biggs. + +[Illustration: "Afore anybody could move, he brought it down bang on the +face o' the watch."] + +"He's smashed your watch," he ses; "he's smashed your watch." + +"Well," ses John Biggs, "it 'ad got to be smashed, 'adn't it?" + +"Yes, but not by 'im," ses the conjurer, dancing about. "I wash my 'ands +of it now." + +"Look 'ere," ses John Biggs; "don't you talk to me about washing your +'ands of it. You finish your trick and give me my watch back agin same +as it was afore." + +"Not now he's been interfering with it," ses the conjurer. "He'd better +do the trick now as he's so clever." + +"I'd sooner 'ave you do it," ses John Biggs. "Wot did you let 'im +interfere for?" + +"'Ow was I to know wot 'e was going to do?" ses the conjurer. "You must +settle it between you now. I'll 'ave nothing more to do with it." + +"All right, John Biggs," ses Bob Pretty; "if 'e won't do it, I will. If +it can be done, I don't s'pose it matters who does it. I don't think +anybody could smash up a watch better than that." + +John Biggs looked at it, and then 'e asked the conjurer once more to do +the trick, but 'e wouldn't. + +"It can't be done now," he ses; "and I warn you that if that pistol is +fired I won't be responsible for what'll 'appen." + +"George Kettle shall load the pistol and fire it if 'e won't," ses Bob +Pretty. "'Aving been in the Militia, there couldn't be a better man for +the job." + +George Kettle walked up to the table as red as fire at being praised like +that afore people and started loading the pistol. He seemed to be more +awkward about it than the conjurer 'ad been the last time, and he 'ad to +roll the watch-cases up with the flat-iron afore 'e could get 'em in. +But 'e loaded it at last and stood waiting. + +"Don't shoot at me, George Kettle," ses Bob. "I've been called a thief +once, and I don't want to be agin." + +"Put that pistol down, you fool, afore you do mischief," ses the +conjurer. + +"Who shall I shoot at?" ses George Kettle, raising the pistol. + +"Better fire at the conjurer, I think," ses Bob Pretty; "and if things +'appen as he says they will 'appen, the watch ought to be found in 'is +coat-pocket." + +"Where is he?" ses George, looking round. + +Bill Chambers laid 'old of 'im just as he was going through the door to +fetch the landlord, and the scream 'e gave as he came back and George +Kettle pointed the pistol at 'im was awful. + +[Illustration: "The scream 'e gave as George Kettle pointed the pistol at +'im was awful."] + +"It's no worse for you than it was for me," ses Bob. + +"Put it down," screams the conjurer; "put it down. You'll kill 'arf the +men in the room if it goes off." + +"Be careful where you aim, George," ses Sam Jones. "P'r'aps he'd better +'ave a chair all by hisself in the middle of the room." + +It was all very well for Sam Jones to talk, but the conjurer wouldn't sit +on a chair by 'imself. He wouldn't sit on it at all. He seemed to be +all legs and arms, and the way 'e struggled it took four or five men to +'old 'im. + +"Why don't you keep still?" ses John Biggs. "George Kettle'll shoot it +in your pocket all right. He's the best shot in Claybury." + +"Help! Murder!" says the conjurer, struggling. "He'll kill me. Nobody +can do the trick but me." + +"But you say you won't do it," ses John Biggs. "Not now," ses the +conjurer; "I can't." + +"Well, I'm not going to 'ave my watch lost through want of trying," ses +John Biggs. "Tie 'im to the chair, mates." + +"All right, then," ses the conjurer, very pale. "Don't tie me; I'll sit +still all right if you like, but you'd better bring the chair outside in +case of accidents. Bring it in the front." + +George Kettle said it was all nonsense, but the conjurer said the trick +was always better done in the open air, and at last they gave way and +took 'im and the chair outside. + +"Now," ses the conjurer, as 'e sat down, "all of you go and stand near +the man woe's going to shoot. When I say 'Three,' fire. Why! there's +the watch on the ground there!" + +He pointed with 'is finger, and as they all looked down he jumped up out +o' that chair and set off on the road to Wickham as 'ard as 'e could run. +It was so sudden that nobody knew wot 'ad 'appened for a moment, and then +George Kettle, wot 'ad been looking with the rest, turned round and +pulled the trigger. + +There was a bang that pretty nigh deafened us, and the back o' the chair +was blown nearly out. By the time we'd got our senses agin the conjurer +was a'most out o' sight, and Bob Pretty was explaining to John Biggs wot +a good job it was 'is watch 'adn't been a gold one. + +"That's wot comes o' trusting a foreigner afore a man wot you've known +all your life," he ses, shaking his 'ead. "I 'ope the next man wot tries +to take my good name away won't get off so easy. I felt all along the +trick couldn't be done; it stands to reason it couldn't. I done my best, +too." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Odd Charges, by W.W. Jacobs + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12213 *** |