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diff --git a/12160-0.txt b/12160-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3402dd5 --- /dev/null +++ b/12160-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,433 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12160 *** + +NIGHT WATCHES + +by W.W. Jacobs + + + +HIS OTHER SELF + +"They're as like as two peas, him and 'is brother," said the night- +watchman, gazing blandly at the indignant face of the lighterman on the +barge below; "and the on'y way I know this one is Sam is because Bill +don't use bad langwidge. Twins they are, but the likeness is only +outside; Bill's 'art is as white as snow." + +He cut off a plug of tobacco, and, placing it in his cheek, waited +expectantly. + +"White as snow," he repeated. + +"That's me," said the lighterman, as he pushed his unwieldy craft from +the jetty. "I'll tell Sam your opinion of 'im. So long." + +The watchman went a shade redder than usual. That's twins all over, he +said, sourly, always deceiving people. It's Bill arter all, and, +instead of hurting 'is feelings, I've just been flattering of 'im up. + +It ain't the fust time I've 'ad trouble over a likeness. I've been a +twin myself in a manner o' speaking. It didn't last long, but it lasted +long enough for me to always be sorry for twins, and to make a lot of +allowance for them. It must be very 'ard to have another man going +about with your face on 'is shoulders, and getting it into trouble. + +It was a year or two ago now. I was sitting one evening at the gate, +smoking a pipe and looking at a newspaper I 'ad found in the office, +when I see a gentleman coming along from the swing-bridge. Well- +dressed, clean-shaved chap 'e was, smoking a cigarette. He was walking +slow and looking about 'im casual-like, until his eyes fell on me, when +he gave a perfect jump of surprise, and, arter looking at me very 'ard, +walked on a little way and then turned back. He did it twice, and I was +just going to say something to 'im, something that I 'ad been getting +ready for 'im, when he spoke to me. + +"Good evening," he ses. + +"Good evening," I ses, folding the paper over and looking at 'im rather +severe. + +"I hope you'll excuse me staring," he ses, very perlite; "but I've never +seen such a face and figger as yours in all my life--never." + +"Ah, you ought to ha' seen me a few years ago," I ses. "I'm like +everybody else--I'm getting on." + +"Rubbish!" he ses. "You couldn't be better if you tried. It's +marvellous! Wonderful! It's the very thing I've been looking for. +Why, if you'd been made to order you couldn't ha' been better." + +I thought at fust he was by way of trying to get a drink out o' me--I've +been played that game afore--but instead o' that he asked me whether I'd +do 'im the pleasure of 'aving one with 'im. + +We went over to the Albion, and I believe I could have 'ad it in a pail +if I'd on'y liked to say the word. And all the time I was drinking he +was looking me up and down, till I didn't know where to look, as the +saying is. + +"I came down 'ere to look for somebody like you," he ses, "but I never +dreamt I should have such luck as this. I'm an actor, and I've got to +play the part of a sailor, and I've been worried some time 'ow to make +up for the part. D'ye understand?" + +"No," I ses, looking at 'im. + +"I want to look the real thing," he ses, speaking low so the landlord +shouldn't hear. "I want to make myself the living image of you. If +that don't fetch 'em I'll give up the stage and grow cabbages." + +"Make yourself like me?" I ses. "Why, you're no more like me than I'm +like a sea-sick monkey." + +"Not so much," he ses. "That's where the art comes in." + +He stood me another drink, and then, taking my arm in a cuddling sort o' +way, and calling me "Dear boy," 'e led me back to the wharf and +explained. He said 'e would come round next evening with wot 'e called +his make-up box, and paint 'is face and make 'imself up till people +wouldn't know one from the other. + +"And wot about your figger?" I ses, looking at 'im. + +"A cushion," he ses, winking, "or maybe a couple. And what about +clothes? You'll 'ave to sell me those you've got on. Hat and all. And +boots." + +I put a price on 'em that I thought would 'ave finished 'im then and +there, but it didn't. And at last, arter paying me so many more +compliments that they began to get into my 'ead, he fixed up a meeting +for the next night and went off. + +"And mind," he ses, coming back, "not a word to a living soul!" + +He went off agin, and, arter going to the Bull's Head and 'aving a pint +to clear my 'ead, I went and sat down in the office and thought it over. +It seemed all right to me as far as I could see; but p'r'aps the pint +didn't clear my 'ead enough--p'r'aps I ought to 'ave 'ad two pints. + +I lay awake best part of next day thinking it over, and when I got up I +'ad made up my mind. I put my clothes in a sack, and then I put on some +others as much like 'em as possible, on'y p'r'aps a bit older, in case +the missis should get asking questions; and then I sat wondering 'ow to +get out with the sack without 'er noticing it. She's got a very +inquiring mind, and I wasn't going to tell her any lies about it. +Besides which I couldn't think of one. + +I got out at last by playing a game on her. I pertended to drop 'arf a +dollar in the washus, and while she was busy on 'er hands and knees I +went off as comfortable as you please. + +I got into the office with it all right, and, just as it was getting +dark, a cab drove up to the wharf and the actor-chap jumped out with a +big leather bag. I took 'im into the private office, and 'e was so +ready with 'is money for the clothes that I offered to throw the sack +in. + +He changed into my clothes fust of all, and then, asking me to sit down +in front of 'im, he took a looking-glass and a box out of 'is bag and +began to alter 'is face. Wot with sticks of coloured paint, and false +eyebrows, and a beard stuck on with gum and trimmed with a pair o' +scissors, it was more like a conjuring trick than anything else. Then +'e took a wig out of 'is bag and pressed it on his 'ead, put on the cap, +put some black stuff on 'is teeth, and there he was. We both looked +into the glass together while 'e gave the finishing touches, and then he +clapped me on the back and said I was the handsomest sailorman in +England. + +"I shall have to make up a bit 'eavier when I'm behind the floats," he +ses; "but this is enough for 'ere. Wot do you think of the imitation of +your voice? I think I've got it exact." + +"If you ask me," I ses, "it sounds like a poll-parrot with a cold in the +'ead." + +"And now for your walk," he ses, looking as pleased as if I'd said +something else. "Come to the door and see me go up the wharf." + +I didn't like to hurt 'is feelings, but I thought I should ha' bust. He +walked up that wharf like a dancing-bear in a pair of trousers too tight +for it, but 'e was so pleased with 'imself that I didn't like to tell +'im so. He went up and down two or three times, and I never saw +anything so ridikerlous in my life. + +"That's all very well for us," he ses; "but wot about other people? +That's wot I want to know. I'll go and 'ave a drink, and see whether +anybody spots me." + +Afore I could stop 'im he started off to the Bull's Head and went in, +while I stood outside and watched 'im. + +"'Arf a pint o' four ale," he ses, smacking down a penny. + +I see the landlord draw the beer and give it to 'im, but 'e didn't seem +to take no notice of 'im. Then, just to open 'is eyes a bit, I walked +in and put down a penny and asked for a 'arf-pint. + +The landlord was just wiping down the counter at the time, and when I +gave my order he looked up and stood staring at me with the wet cloth +'eld up in the air. He didn't say a word--not a single word. He stood +there for a moment smiling at us foolish-like, and then 'e let go o' the +beer-injin, wot 'e was 'olding in 'is left hand, and sat down heavy on +the bar floor. We both put our 'eads over the counter to see wot had +'appened to 'im, and 'e started making the most 'orrible noise I 'ave +ever heard in my life. I wonder it didn't bring the fire-injins. The +actor-chap bolted out as if he'd been shot, and I was just thinking of +follering 'im when the landlord's wife and 'is two daughters came +rushing out and asking me wot I 'ad done to him. + +"There--there--was two of 'im !" ses the landlord, trembling and +holding on to 'is wife's arm, as they helped 'im up and got 'im in the +chair. "Two of 'im!" + +"Two of wot?" ses his wife. + +"Two--two watchmen," ses the landlord; "both exac'ly alike and both +asking for 'arf a pint o' four ale." + +"Yes, yes," ses 'is wife. + +"You come and lay down, pa," ses the gals. "I tell you there was," ses +the landlord, getting 'is colour back, with temper. + +"Yes, yes; I know all about it," ses 'is wife. "You come inside for a +bit; and, Gertie, you bring your father in a soda--a large soda." + +They got 'im in arter a lot o' trouble; but three times 'e came back as +far as the door, 'olding on to them, and taking a little peep at me. +The last time he shook his 'ead at me, and said if I did it agin I could +go and get my 'arf-pints somewhere else. + +I finished the beer wot the actor 'ad left, and, arter telling the +landlord I 'oped his eyesight 'ud be better in the morning, I went +outside, and arter a careful look round walked back to the wharf. + +I pushed the wicket open a little way and peeped in. The actor was +standing just by the fust crane talking to two of the hands off of the +Saltram. He'd got 'is back to the light, but 'ow it was they didn't +twig his voice I can't think. + +They was so busy talking that I crept along by the side of the wall and +got to the office without their seeing me. I went into the private +office and turned out the gas there, and sat down to wait for 'im. Then +I 'eard a noise outside that took me to the door agin and kept me there, +'olding on to the door-post and gasping for my breath. The cook of the +Saltram was sitting on a paraffin-cask playing the mouth-orgin, and the +actor, with 'is arms folded across his stummick, was dancing a horn-pipe +as if he'd gorn mad. + +I never saw anything so ridikerlous in my life, and when I recollected +that they thought it was me, I thought I should ha' dropped. + +A night-watchman can't be too careful, and I knew that it 'ud be all +over Wapping next morning that I 'ad been dancing to a tuppenny-ha'penny +mouth-orgin played by a ship's cook. A man that does 'is dooty always +has a lot of people ready to believe the worst of 'im. + +I went back into the dark office and waited, and by and by I 'eard them +coming along to the gate and patting 'im on the back and saying he ought +to be in a pantermime instead o' wasting 'is time night-watching. He +left 'em at the gate, and then 'e came into the office smiling as if +he'd done something clever. + +"Wot d'ye think of me for a understudy?" he ses, laughing. "They all +thought it was you. There wasn't one of 'em 'ad the slightest suspicion +--not one." + +"And wot about my character?" I ses, folding my arms acrost my chest +and looking at him. + +"Character?" he ses, staring. "Why, there's no 'arm in dancing; it's a +innercent enjoyment." + +"It ain't one o' my innercent enjoyments," I ses, "and I don't want to +get the credit of it. If they hadn't been sitting in a pub all the +evening they'd 'ave spotted you at once." + +"Oh!" he ses, very huffy. "How?" + +"Your voice," I ses. "You try and mimic a poll-parrot, and think it's +like me. And, for another thing, you walk about as though you're +stuffed with sawdust." + +"I beg your pardon," he ses; "the voice and the walk are exact. Exact." + +"Wot?" I ses, looking 'im up and down. "You stand there and 'ave the +impudence to tell me that my voice is like that?" + +"I do," he ses. + +"Then I'm sorry for you," I ses. "I thought you'd got more sense." + +He stood looking at me and gnawing 'is finger, and by and by he ses, +"Are you married?" he ses. + +"I am," I ses, very short. + +"Where do you live?" he ses. + +I told 'im. + +"Very good," he ses; "p'r'aps I'll be able to convince you arter all. +By the way, wot do you call your wife? Missis?" + +"Yes," I ses, staring at him. "But wot's it got to do with you?" + +"Nothing," he ses. "Nothing. Only I'm going to try the poll-parrot +voice and the sawdust walk on her, that's all. If I can deceive 'er +that'll settle it." + +"Deceive her?" I ses. "Do you think I'm going to let you go round to +my 'ouse and get me into trouble with the missis like that? Why, you +must be crazy; that dancing must 'ave got into your 'ead." + +"Where's the 'arm?" he ses, very sulky. + +"'Arm?" I ses. "I won't 'ave it, that's all; and if you knew my missis +you'd know without any telling." + +"I'll bet you a pound to a sixpence she wouldn't know me," he ses, very +earnest. + +"She won't 'ave the chance," I ses, "so that's all about it." + +He stood there argufying for about ten minutes; but I was as firm as a +rock. I wouldn't move an inch, and at last, arter we was both on the +point of losing our tempers, he picked up his bag and said as 'ow he +must be getting off 'ome. + +"But ain't you going to take those things off fust?" I ses. + +"No," he ses, smiling. "I'll wait till I get 'ome. Ta-ta." + +He put 'is bag on 'is shoulder and walked to the gate, with me follering +of 'im. + +"I expect I shall see a cab soon," he ses. "Good-bye." + +"Wot are you laughing at?" I ses. + +"On'y thoughts," he ses. + +"'Ave you got far to go?' I ses. + +"No; just about the same distance as you 'ave," he ses, and he went off +spluttering like a soda-water bottle. + +I took the broom and 'ad a good sweep-up arter he 'ad gorn, and I was +just in the middle of it when the cook and the other two chaps from the +Saltram came back, with three other sailormen and a brewer's drayman +they 'ad brought to see me DANCE! + +"Same as you did a little while ago, Bill," ses the cook, taking out 'is +beastly mouth-orgin and wiping it on 'is sleeve. "Wot toon would you +like?" + +I couldn't get away from 'em, and when I told them I 'ad never danced in +my life the cook asked me where I expected to go to. He told the +drayman that I'd been dancing like a fairy in sea-boots, and they all +got in front of me and wouldn't let me pass. I lost my temper at last, +and, arter they 'ad taken the broom away from me and the drayman and one +o' the sailormen 'ad said wot they'd do to me if I was on'y fifty years +younger, they sheered off. + +I locked the gate arter 'em and went back to the office, and I 'adn't +been there above 'arf an hour when somebody started ringing the gate- +bell as if they was mad. I thought it was the cook's lot come back at +fust, so I opened the wicket just a trifle and peeped out. There was a +'ansom-cab standing outside, and I 'ad hardly got my nose to the crack +when the actor-chap, still in my clothes, pushed the door open and +nipped in. + +"You've lost," he ses, pushing the door to and smiling all over. +"Where's your sixpence?" + +"Lost?" I ses, hardly able to speak. "D'ye mean to tell me you've been +to my wife arter all--arter all I said to you?" + +"I do," he ses, nodding, and smiling agin. "They were both deceived as +easy as easy." + +"Both?" I ses, staring at 'im. "Both wot? 'Ow many wives d'ye think +I've got? Wot d'ye mean by it?" + +"Arter I left you," he ses, giving me a little poke in the ribs, "I +picked up a cab and, fust leaving my bag at Aldgate, I drove on to your +'ouse and knocked at the door. I knocked twice, and then an angry- +looking woman opened it and asked me wot I wanted. + +"'It's all right, missis,' I ses. 'I've got 'arf an hour off, and I've +come to take you out for a walk.' + +"'Wot?' she ses, drawing back with a start. + +"'Just a little turn round to see the shops,' I ses; 'and if there's +anything particler you'd like and it don't cost too much, you shall 'ave +it.' + +"I thought at fust, from the way she took it, she wasn't used to you +giving 'er things. + +"'Ow dare you!' she ses. 'I'll 'ave you locked up. 'Ow dare you insult +a respectable married woman! You wait till my 'usband comes 'ome.' + +"'But I am your 'usband,' I ses. 'Don't you know me, my pretty? Don't +you know your pet sailor-boy?' + +"She gave a screech like a steam-injin, and then she went next door and +began knocking away like mad. Then I see that I 'ad gorn to number +twelve instead of number fourteen. Your wife, your real wife, came out +of number fourteen--and she was worse than the other. But they both +thought it was you--there's no doubt of that. They chased me all the +way up the road, and if it 'adn't ha' been for this cab that was just +passing I don't know wot would 'ave 'appened to me." + +He shook his 'ead and smiled agin, and, arter opening the wicket a +trifle and telling the cabman he shouldn't be long, he turned to me and +asked me for the sixpence, to wear on his watch-chain. + +"Sixpence!" I ses. "SIXPENCE!" Wot do you think is going to 'appen to +me when I go 'ome?" + +"Oh, I 'adn't thought o' that," he ses. "Yes, o' course." + +"Wot about my wife's jealousy?" I ses. "Wot about the other, and her +'usband, a cooper as big as a 'ouse?" + +"Well, well," he ses, "one can't think of everything. It'll be all the +same a hundred years hence." + +"Look 'ere," I ses, taking 'is shoulder in a grip of iron. "You come +back with me now in that cab and explain. D'ye see? That's wot you've +got to do." + +"All right," he ses; "certainly. Is--is the husband bad-tempered?" + +"You'll see," I ses; "but that's your business. Come along." + +"With pleasure," he ses, 'elping me in. "'Arf a mo' while I tell the +cabby where to drive to." + +He went to the back o' the cab, and afore I knew wot had 'appened the +'orse had got a flick over the head with the whip and was going along at +a gallop. I kept putting the little flap up and telling the cabby to +stop, but he didn't take the slightest notice. Arter I'd done it three +times he kept it down so as I couldn't open it. + +There was a crowd round my door when the cab drove up, and in the middle +of it was my missis, the woman next door, and 'er husband, wot 'ad just +come 'ome. 'Arf a dozen of 'em helped me out, and afore I could say a +word the cabman drove off and left me there. + +I dream of it now sometimes: standing there explaining and explaining, +until, just as I feel I can't bear it any longer, two policemen come up +and 'elp me indoors. If they had 'elped my missis outside it would be a +easier dream to have. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of His Other Self, by W.W. Jacobs + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12160 *** |