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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12129 ***
+
+THE LADY OF THE BARGE
+
+AND OTHER STORIES
+
+By W. W. Jacobs
+
+
+
+
+A MIXED PROPOSAL
+
+
+Major Brill, late of the Fenshire Volununteers, stood in front of the
+small piece of glass in the hatstand, and with a firm and experienced
+hand gave his new silk hat a slight tilt over the right eye.  Then he
+took his cane and a new pair of gloves, and with a military but squeaky
+tread, passed out into the road.  It was a glorious day in early autumn,
+and the soft English landscape was looking its best, but despite the fact
+that there was nothing more alarming in sight than a few cows on the
+hillside a mile away, the Major paused at his gate, and his face took on
+an appearance of the greatest courage and resolution before proceeding.
+The road was dusty and quiet, except for the children playing at cottage
+doors, and so hot that the Major, heedless of the fact that he could not
+replace the hat at exactly the same angle, stood in the shade of a tree
+while he removed it and mopped his heated brow.
+
+He proceeded on his way more leisurely, overtaking, despite his lack of
+speed, another man who was walking still more slowly in the shade of the
+hedge.
+
+"Fine day, Halibut," he said, briskly; "fine day."
+
+"Beautiful," said the other, making no attempt to keep pace with him.
+
+"Country wants rain, though," cried the Major over his shoulder.
+
+Halibut assented, and walking slowly on, wondered vaguely what gaudy
+color it was that had attracted his eye.  It dawned on him at length that
+it must be the Major's tie, and he suddenly quickened his pace, by no
+means reassured as the man of war also quickened his.
+
+"Halloa, Brill!"  he cried.  "Half a moment."
+
+The Major stopped and waited for his friend; Halibut eyed the tie
+uneasily--it was fearfully and wonderfully made--but said nothing.
+
+"Well?"  said the Major, somewhat sharply.
+
+"Oh--I was going to ask you, Brill--Confound it!  I've forgotten what I
+was going to say now.  I daresay I shall soon think of it.  You're not in
+a hurry?"
+
+"Well, I am, rather," said Brill.  "Fact is-- Is my hat on straight,
+Halibut?"
+
+The other assuring him that it was, the Major paused in his career, and
+gripping the brim with both hands, deliberately tilted it over the right
+eye again.
+
+"You were saying--" said Halibut, regarding this manoeuvre with secret
+disapproval.
+
+"Yes," murmured the Major, "I was saying.  Well, I don't mind telling an
+old friend like you, Halibut, though it is a profound secret.  Makes me
+rather particular about my dress just now.  Women notice these things.
+I'm--sha'nt get much sympathy from a confirmed old bachelor like you--but
+I'm on my way to put a very momentous question."
+
+"The devil you are!"  said the other, blankly.
+
+"Sir!" said the astonished Major.
+
+"Not Mrs. Riddel?" said Halibut.
+
+"Certainly, sir," said the Major, stiffly.  "Why not?"
+
+"Only that I am going on the same errand," said the confirmed bachelor,
+with desperate calmness.
+
+The Major looked at him, and for the first time noticed an unusual
+neatness and dressiness in his friend's attire.  His collar was higher
+than usual; his tie, of the whitest and finest silk, bore a pin he never
+remembered to have seen before; and for the first time since he had known
+him, the Major, with a strange sinking at the heart, saw that he wore
+spats.
+
+"This is extraordinary," he said, briefly.  "Well, good-day, Halibut.
+Can't stop."
+
+"Good-day," said the other.
+
+The Major quickened his pace and shot ahead, and keeping in the shade of
+the hedge, ground his teeth as the civilian on the other side of the road
+slowly, but surely, gained on him.
+
+It became exciting.  The Major was handicapped by his upright bearing and
+short military stride; the other, a simple child of the city, bent
+forward, swinging his arms and taking immense strides.  At a by-lane they
+picked up three small boys, who, trotting in their rear, made it evident
+by their remarks that they considered themselves the privileged
+spectators of a foot-race.  The Major could stand it no longer, and with
+a cut of his cane at the foremost boy, softly called a halt.
+
+"Well," said Halibut, stopping.
+
+The man's manner was suspicious, not to say offensive, and the other had
+much ado to speak him fair.
+
+"This is ridiculous," he said, trying to smile.  "We can't walk in and
+propose in a duet.  One of us must go to-day and the other to-morrow."
+
+"Certainly," said Halibut; "that'll be the best plan."
+
+"So childish," said the Major, with a careless laugh, "two fellows
+walking in hot and tired and proposing to her."
+
+"Absurd," replied Halibut, and both men eyed each other carefully.
+
+"So, if I'm unsuccessful, old chap," said the Major, in a voice which he
+strove to render natural and easy, "I will come straight back to your
+place and let you know, so as not to keep you in suspense."
+
+"You're very good," said Halibut, with some emotion; "but I think I'll
+take to-day, because I have every reason to believe that I have got one
+of my bilious attacks coming on to-morrow."
+
+"Pooh! fancy, my dear fellow," said the Major, heartily; "I never saw you
+look better in my life."
+
+"That's one of the chief signs," replied Halibut, shaking his head.  "I'm
+afraid I must go to-day."
+
+"I really cannot waive my right on account of your bilious attack," said
+the Major haughtily.
+
+"Your right?" said Halibut, with spirit.
+
+"My right!" repeated the other.  "I should have been there before you if
+you had not stopped me in the first place."
+
+"But I started first," said Halibut.
+
+"Prove it," exclaimed the Major, warmly.
+
+The other shrugged his shoulders.
+
+"I shall certainly not give way," he said, calmly.  "This is a matter in
+which my whole future is concerned.  It seems very odd, not to say
+inconvenient, that you should have chosen the same day as myself, Brill,
+for such an errand--very odd."
+
+"It's quite an accident," asseverated the Major; "as a matter of fact,
+Halibut, I nearly went yesterday.  That alone gives me, I think, some
+claim to precedence."
+
+"Just so," said Halibut, slowly; "it constitutes an excellent claim."
+
+The Major regarded him with moistening eyes.  This was generous and
+noble.  His opinion of Halibut rose.  "And now you have been so frank
+with me," said the latter, "it is only fair that you should know I
+started out with the same intention three days ago and found her out.
+So far as claims go, I think mine leads."
+
+"Pure matter of opinion," said the disgusted Major; "it really seems as
+though we want an arbitrator.  Well, we'll have to make our call
+together, I suppose, but I'll take care not to give you any opportunity,
+Halibut, so don't cherish any delusions on that point.  Even you wouldn't
+have the hardihood to propose before a third party, I should think; but
+if you do, I give you fair warning that I shall begin, too."
+
+"This is most unseemly," said Halibut.  "We'd better both go home and
+leave it for another day."
+
+"When do you propose going, then?"  asked the Major.
+
+"Really, I haven't made up my mind," replied the other.
+
+The Major shrugged his shoulders.
+
+"It won't do, Halibut," he said, grimly; "it won't do.  I'm too old a
+soldier to be caught that way."
+
+There was a long pause.  The Major mopped his brow again.  "I've got it,"
+he said at last.
+
+Halibut looked at him curiously.
+
+"We must play for first proposal," said the Major, firmly.  "We're pretty
+evenly matched."
+
+"Chess?" gasped the other, a whole world of protest in his tones.
+
+"Chess," repeated the Major.
+
+"It is hardly respectful," demurred Halibut.  "What do you think the lady
+would do if she heard of it?"
+
+"Laugh," replied the Major, with conviction.
+
+"I believe she would," said the other, brightening.  "I believe she
+would."
+
+"You agree, then?"
+
+"With conditions."
+
+"Conditions?"  repeated the Major.
+
+"One game," said Halibut, speaking very slowly and distinctly; "and if
+the winner is refused, the loser not to propose until he gives him
+permission."
+
+"What the deuce for?"  inquired the other, suspiciously.
+
+"Suppose I win," replied Halibut, with suspicious glibness, "and was so
+upset that I had one of my bilious attacks come on, where should I be?
+Why, I might have to break off in the middle and go home.  A fellow can't
+propose when everything in the room is going round and round."
+
+"I don't think you ought to contemplate marriage, Halibut," remarked the
+Major, very seriously and gently.
+
+"Thanks," said Halibut, dryly.
+
+"Very well," said the Major, "I agree to the conditions.  Better come to
+my place and we'll decide it now.  If we look sharp, the winner may be
+able to know his fate to-day, after all."
+
+Halibut assenting, they walked back together.  The feverish joy of the
+gambler showed in the Major's eye as they drew their chairs up to the
+little antique chess table and began to place their pieces ready for the
+fray.  Then a thought struck him, and he crossed over to the sideboard.
+
+"If you're feeling a bit off colour, Halibut," he said, kindly, "you'd
+better have a little brandy to pull yourself together.  I don't wish to
+take a mean advantage."
+
+"You're very good," said the other, as he eyed the noble measure of
+liquid poured out by his generous adversary.
+
+"And now to business," said the Major, as he drew himself a little soda
+from a siphon.
+
+"Now to business," repeated Halibut, rising and placing his glass on the
+mantel-piece.
+
+The Major struggled fiercely with his feelings, but, despite himself, a
+guilty blush lent colour to the other's unfounded suspicions.
+
+"Remember the conditions," said Halibut, impressively.
+
+"Here's my hand on it," said the other, reaching over.
+
+Halibut took it, and, his thoughts being at the moment far away, gave it
+a tender, respectful squeeze.  The Major stared and coughed.  It was
+suggestive of practice.
+
+If the history of the duel is ever written, it will be found not unworthy
+of being reckoned with the most famous combats of ancient times.  Piece
+after piece was removed from the board, and the Major drank glass after
+glass of soda to cool his heated brain.  At the second glass Halibut took
+an empty tumbler and helped himself.  Suddenly there was a singing in the
+Major's ears, and a voice, a hateful, triumphant voice, said,
+
+"Checkmate!"
+
+Then did his gaze wander from knight to bishop and bishop to castle in a
+vain search for succour.  There was his king defied by a bishop--a bishop
+which had been hobnobbing with pawns in one corner of the board, and
+which he could have sworn he had captured and removed full twenty minutes
+before.  He mentioned this impression to Halibut.
+
+"That was the other one," said his foe.  "I thought you had forgotten
+this.  I have been watching and hoping so for the last half-hour."
+
+There was no disguising the coarse satisfaction of the man.  He had
+watched and hoped.  Not beaten him, so the Major told himself, in fair
+play, but by taking a mean and pitiful advantage of a pure oversight.  A
+sheer oversight.  He admitted it.
+
+Halibut rose with a sigh of relief, and the Major, mechanically sweeping
+up the pieces, dropped them one by one into the box.
+
+"Plenty of time," said the victor, glancing at the clock.  "I shall go
+now, but I should like a wash first."
+
+The Major rose, and in his capacity of host led the way upstairs to his
+room, and poured fresh water for his foe.  Halibut washed himself
+delicately, carefully trimming his hair and beard, and anxiously
+consulting the Major as to the set of his coat in the back, after
+he had donned it again.
+
+His toilet completed, he gave a satisfied glance in the glass, and then
+followed the man of war sedately down stairs.  At the hall he paused, and
+busied himself with the clothes-brush and hat-pad, modestly informing his
+glaring friend that he could not afford to throw any chances away, and
+then took his departure.
+
+The Major sat up late that night waiting for news, but none came, and by
+breakfast-time next morning his thirst for information became almost
+uncontrollable.  He toyed with a chop and allowed his coffee to get cold.
+Then he clapped on his hat and set off to Halibut's to know the worst.
+
+"Well?" he inquired, as he followed the other into his dining-room.
+
+"I went," said Halibut, waving him to a chair.
+
+"Am I to congratulate you?"
+
+"Well, I don't know," was the reply; "perhaps not just yet."
+
+"What do you mean by that?"  said the Major, irascibly.
+
+"Well, as a matter of fact," said Halibut, "she refused me, but so nicely
+and so gently that I scarcely minded it.  In fact, at first I hardly
+realized that she had refused me."
+
+The Major rose, and regarding his poor friend kindly, shook and patted
+him lightly on the shoulder.
+
+"She's a splendid woman," said Halibut.  "Ornament to her sex," remarked
+the Major.
+
+"So considerate," murmured the bereaved one.
+
+"Good women always are," said the Major, decisively.  "I don't think I'd
+better worry her to-day, Halibut, do you?"
+
+"No, I don't," said Halibut, stiffly.
+
+"I'll try my luck to-morrow," said the Major.
+
+"I beg your pardon," said Halibut.
+
+"Eh?"  said the Major, trying to look puzzled.
+
+"You are forgetting the conditions of the game," replied Halibut.  "You
+have to obtain my permission first."
+
+"Why, my dear fellow," said the Major, with a boisterous laugh.
+"I wouldn't insult you by questioning your generosity in such a case.
+No, no, Halibut, old fellow, I know you too well."
+
+He spoke with feeling, but there was an anxious note in his voice.
+
+"We must abide by the conditions," said Halibut, slowly; "and I must
+inform you, Brill, that I intend to renew the attack myself."
+
+"Then, sir," said the Major, fuming, "you compel me to say--putting all
+modesty aside--that I believe the reason Mrs. Riddel would have nothing
+to do with you was because she thought somebody else might make a similar
+offer."
+
+"That's what I thought," said Halibut, simply; "but you see now that you
+have so unaccountably--so far as Mrs. Riddel is concerned--dropped out of
+the running, perhaps, if I am gently persistent, she'll take me."
+
+The Major rose and glared at him.
+
+"If you don't take care, old chap," said Halibut, tenderly, "you'll burst
+something."
+
+"Gently persistent," repeated the Major, staring at him; "gently
+persistent."
+
+"Remember Bruce and his spider," smiled the other.
+
+"You are not going to propose to that poor woman nine times?"  roared his
+incensed friend.
+
+"I hope that it will not be necessary," was the reply; "but if it is, I
+can assure you, my dear Brill, that I'm not going to be outclassed by a
+mere spider."
+
+"But think of her feelings!"  gasped the Major.
+
+"I have," was the reply; "and I'm sure she'll thank me for it afterward.
+You see, Brill, you and I are the only eligibles in the place, and now
+you are out of it, she's sure to take me sooner or later."
+
+"And pray how long am I to wait?"  demanded the Major, controlling
+himself with difficulty.
+
+"I can't say," said Halibut; "but I don't think it's any good your
+waiting at all, because if I see any signs that Mrs. Riddel is waiting
+for you I may just give her a hint of the hopelessness of it."
+
+"You're a perfect Mephistopheles, sir!"  bawled the indignant Major.
+Halibut bowed.
+
+"Strategy, my dear Brill," he said, smiling; "strategy.  Now why waste
+your time?  Why not make some other woman happy?  Why not try her
+companion, Miss Philpotts?  I'm sure any little assistance--"
+
+The Major's attitude was so alarming that the sentence was never
+finished, and a second later the speaker found himself alone, watching
+his irate friend hurrying frantically down the path, knocking the blooms
+off the geraniums with his cane as he went.  He saw no more of him for
+several weeks, the Major preferring to cherish his resentment in the
+privacy of his house.  The Major also refrained from seeing the widow,
+having a wholesome dread as to what effect the contemplation of her
+charms might have upon his plighted word.
+
+He met her at last by chance.  Mrs. Riddel bowed coldly and would have
+passed on, but the Major had already stopped, and was making wild and
+unmerited statements about the weather.
+
+"It is seasonable," she said, simply.
+
+The Major agreed with her, and with a strong-effort regained his
+composure.
+
+"I was just going to turn back," he said, untruthfully; "may I walk with
+you?"
+
+"I am not going far," was the reply.
+
+With soldierly courage the Major took this as permission; with feminine
+precision Mrs. Riddel walked about fifty yards and then stopped.  "I told
+you I wasn't going far," she said sweetly, as she held out her hand.
+"Goodby."
+
+"I wanted to ask you something," said the Major, turning with her.  "I
+can't think what it was.
+
+They walked on very slowly, the Major's heart beating rapidly as he told
+himself that the lady's coldness was due to his neglect of the past few
+weeks, and his wrath against Halibut rose to still greater heights as he
+saw the cruel position in which that schemer had placed him.  Then he
+made a sudden resolution.  There was no condition as to secrecy, and,
+first turning the conversation on to indoor amusements, he told the
+astonished Mrs. Riddel the full particulars of the fatal game.  Mrs.
+Riddel said that she would never forgive them; it was the most
+preposterous thing she had ever heard of.  And she demanded hotly whether
+she was to spend the rest of her life in refusing Mr. Halibut.
+
+"Do you play high as a rule?" she inquired, scornfully.
+
+"Sixpence a game," replied the Major, simply.
+
+The corners of Mrs. Riddel's mouth relaxed, and her fine eyes began to
+water; then she turned her head away and laughed.  "It was very foolish
+of us, I admit," said the Major, ruefully, "and very wrong.  I shouldn't
+have told you, only I couldn't explain my apparent neglect without."
+
+"Apparent neglect?"  repeated the widow, somewhat haughtily.
+
+"Well, put it down to a guilty conscience," said the Major; "it seems
+years to me since I have seen you."
+
+"Remember the conditions, Major Brill," said Mrs. Riddel, with severity.
+
+"I shall not transgress them," replied the Major, seriously.
+
+Mrs. Riddel gave her head a toss, and regarded him from the corner of her
+eyes.
+
+"I am very angry with you, indeed," she said, severely.  The Major
+apologized again.  "For losing," added the lady, looking straight before
+her.
+
+Major Brill caught his breath and his knees trembled beneath him.  He
+made a half-hearted attempt to seize her hand, and then remembering his
+position, sighed deeply and looked straight before him.  They walked on
+in silence.
+
+"I think," said his companion at last, "that, if you like, you can get
+back at cribbage what you lost at chess.  That is, of course, if you
+really want to."
+
+"He wouldn't play," said the Major, shaking his head.
+
+"No, but I will," said Mrs. Riddel, with a smile.  "I think I've got a
+plan."
+
+She blushed charmingly, and then, in modest alarm at her boldness,
+dropped her voice almost to a whisper.  The Major gazed at her in
+speechless admiration and threw back his head in ecstasy.  "Come round
+to-morrow afternoon," said Mrs. Riddel, pausing at the end of the lane.
+"Mr. Halibut shall be there, too, and it shall be done under his very
+eyes."
+
+Until that time came the Major sat at home carefully rehearsing his part,
+and it was with an air of complacent virtue that he met the somewhat
+astonished gaze of the persistent Halibut next day.  It was a bright
+afternoon, but they sat indoors, and Mrs. Riddel, after an animated
+description of a game at cribbage with Miss Philpotts the night before,
+got the cards out and challenged Halibut to a game.
+
+They played two, both of which the diplomatic Halibut lost; then Mrs.
+Riddel, dismissing him as incompetent, sat drumming on the table with her
+fingers, and at length challenged the Major.  She lost the first game
+easily, and began the second badly.  Finally, after hastily glancing at a
+new hand, she flung the cards petulantly on the table, face downward.
+
+"Would you like my hand, Major Brill?"  she demanded, with a blush.
+
+"Better than anything in the world," cried the Major, eagerly.
+
+Halibut started, and Miss Philpotts nearly had an accident with her
+crochet hook.  The only person who kept cool was Mrs. Riddel, and it was
+quite clear to the beholders that she had realized neither the ambiguity
+of her question nor the meaning of her opponent's reply.
+
+"Well, you may have it," she said, brightly.
+
+Before Miss Philpotts could lay down her work, before Mr. Halibut could
+interpose, the Major took possession of Mrs. Riddel's small white hand
+and raised it gallantly to his lips.  Mrs. Riddel, with a faint scream
+which was a perfect revelation to the companion, snatched her hand away.
+"I meant my hand of cards," she said, breathlessly.
+
+"Really, Brill, really," said Halibut, stepping forward fussily.
+
+"Oh!"  said the Major, blankly; "cards!"
+
+"That's what I meant, of course," said Mrs. Riddel, recovering herself
+with a laugh.  "I had no idea  still--if you prefer----"  The Major took
+her hand again, and Miss Philpotts set Mr. Halibut an example--which he
+did not follow--by gazing meditatively out of the window.  Finally she
+gathered up her work and quitted the room.  Mrs. Riddel smiled over at
+Mr. Halibut and nodded toward the Major.
+
+[Illustrations: "DON'T YOU THINK MAJOR BRILL IS SOMEWHAT HASTY IN HIS
+CONCLUSIONS?" SHE INQUIRED SOFTLY.]
+
+"Don't you think Major Brill is somewhat hasty in his conclusions?"  she
+inquired, softly.
+
+"I'll tell Major Brill what I think of him when I get him alone," said
+the injured gentleman, sourly.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Mixed Proposal, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12129 ***