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diff --git a/12114-0.txt b/12114-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..620ff1f --- /dev/null +++ b/12114-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1937 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12114 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +May 14, 1919. + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"Where Stands Germany To-day?" asks a headline. She doesn't. At least +Count BROCKDORFF-RANTZAU kept his seat while addressing the Peace +Conference. This discourtesy however need not be taken too seriously. +It is pointed out that by the time Germany has complied with the Peace +terms she may not be able to sit down. + + *** + +The Soviet Government has adopted a new calendar, in which the year +will commence on October 25th. We ourselves have always, associated +the first day of January with some of the most repugnant features of +capitalism. + + *** + +A resident of Balham who was last week bitten by a member of a Jazz +band is now wondering whether he ought to submit to the PASTEUR +treatment or just allow the thing to run its own course. + + *** + +Several of our migratory birds have not yet returned to these shores. +It is supposed that the spirit of competition has been aroused in them +by the repeated rumours of a Trans-Atlantic flight and that they have +started to race on foot across Europe. + + *** + +"Where is all the Cheese?" asks an _Evening News'_ headline. A +correspondent has suggested that it might be nesting-time. + + *** + +Wallasey's Corporation has decided to exclude boys under sixteen from +the municipal golf course. No child, the Mayor explains, should be +allowed to witness its father's shame. + + *** + +"Steps should be taken to make the clergy presentable and attractive," +says the Vicar of St. Jude's, Hampstead. A little baby ribbon +insertion, it is suggested, would give a certain dash to the carpet +slippers without impairing their essential dignity. + + *** + +The Ebbw Vale cat that is suspected of having rabies is still under +observation. The belief is gaining ground, however, that she was +merely trying to purr in Welsh. + + *** + +North of England gas managers have passed a resolution urging the +appointment of a Director-General of Light, Heat and Power. But surely +the functions of such an office are already performed by Mr. SPEAKER. + + *** + +Swallows, says a contemporary, have been seen flying over the +Serpentine. Most of the snap was taken out of the performance by the +fact that none of them delivered _The Daily Mail_. + + *** + +A fine specimen of the rare white female dolphin, a very infrequent +visitor to our shores, has been killed off Yarmouth. We'll learn white +female dolphins to visit us! + + *** + +The National Historical Society have cabled to Mr. WILSON that they +are supporting Italy's claim to Fiume. It is only fair to point out +that Mr. Smith of Norwood has not yet reached a decision on the point. + + *** + +A Sinn Fein M.P. has been recaptured at Finglas, co. Dublin. It would +be interesting to know why. + + *** + +The Board of Agriculture are of the opinion that rabies might be +spread by rats. In view of this there is some talk of calling upon +householders to muzzle their rats. + + *** + +According to a Sunday paper a husband recently stated that a former +lodger ran away with his wife. She was a German, and nobody can +understand why they ran. + + *** + +An anarchist arrested in Holland with a bomb in his possession +explained that it was for the ex-Kaiser. We have since been informed +that the retired monarch denies that he ever placed such an order with +the gentleman. + + *** + +A well-known golf club has recently engaged a totally deaf caddy. The +idea is to induce more clergymen to join the club. + + *** + +As no joke about the Isle of Wight Railway has appeared in any comic +paper for at least a month, it is supposed that either a new engine +has been bought or that the old one has been thoroughly overhauled. + + *** + +A picture post-card sent off in 1910 has just arrived at its +destination. It is presumed that one of the sorters who originally +handled it is breaking up his collection. + + *** + +It will take ten years, says a Post Office official, to replace the +present telephone system with automatic exchanges. Persons who have +already registered calls are urged not to make too much of this slight +additional delay. + + *** + +Every one, says the Secretary of the National Federation of Fish +Friers, wants the trade to be a respectable one. On the other hand it +is just that smack which it has of Oriental debauchery that makes it +appeal so strongly to the idle rich. + + *** + +Salmon taken from some parts of the Tyne are alleged to smell of +petrol and taste like tar. Otherwise they are quite all right. + + *** + +An American doctor states that British people sleep too much. No +blame, however, attaches to America. After all, she invented the +gramophone. + + *** + +"The end of the dog," says a contemporary, "is in sight." Then it +can't be a dachshund. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROTECT OUR PROTECTORS. + +BARBED WIRE-MESH OVERALLS DESIGNED TO PREVENT THE POLICE FROM STRIKING +AS A PROTEST AGAINST HAVING TO INTERN UNMUZZLED DOGS.] + + * * * * * + + "Unionist Agent wanted ... Liberal salary offered."--_Times_. + +Just the job for a Coalitionist. + + * * * * * + "One must, however, remember that the Turk--and hurl upon + him what execrations you may--is still the [text upside down: + gentleman of the Near] East."--_Weekly Paper_. + +He may be the "gentleman of the Near East," but that has not saved him +from being turned down. + + * * * * * + +THE COUNTER-ORDER OF THE BATH. + + [A Standing Committee of the House of Commons has refused to + vote £3,800 for a lift and a second bathroom in the proposed + official residence of the LORD CHANCELLOR within the precincts + of the House of Lords. In a letter to Sir ALFRED MOND Lord + BIRKENHEAD wrote: "I am sure both yourself and the Committee + will understand that my object in writing is to make it plain + that I never asked anyone to provide me with a residence, + and that I am both able and willing, in a house of my own, + to provide my family and myself with such bathroom and other + accommodation as may be reasonably necessary."] + + I did not ask for it; I never yearned + Within the Royal Court to board and bed; + Like all the other honours I have earned, + I had this greatness thrust upon my head; + But if the Precincts are to be my lair + Then for my comfort Ministers must cater; + I want a second bath inserted there, + Also an elevator. + + Daily fatigued by those official cares + Which my exalted dignity assumes, + I could not ask my feet to climb the stairs + Which link that mansion's three-and-thirty rooms; + And, if the Law must have so clean a fame + That none can point to where a speck of dust is, + A single bathroom cannot meet the claim + Of equitable Justice. + + My wants are modest, you will please remark; + I crave no vintage of the Champagne zone, + No stalled chargers neighing for the Park, + No 9·5 cigars (I have my own); + I do not ask, who am the flower of thrift, + For Orient-rugs or "Persian apparatus"; + Nothing is lacking save a bath and lift + To fill my soul's hiatus. + + And, should my plea for reasonable perks + (Barely four thousand pounds) be flatly quashed; + Should kind Sir ALF, Commissioner of Works, + Be forced to leave me liftless and half-washed; + Then for these homely needs of which I speak, + Content with my old pittance from the nation, + In Grosvenor Square (or Berkeley) I will seek + Private accommodation. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +BACK TO THE CAM. + +College head-porters as a class assuredly rank amongst the dignified +things of the earth. One may admire the martial splendour of a +Brigadier-General, and it is not to be denied that Rear-Admirals have +a certain something about them which excites both awe and delight, but +they are never quite the same thing as a college head-porter. There +may be weak spots in the profession, and indeed in one or two of the +less self-respecting colleges the head-porters scarcely rise above the +level of the Dons; but these are distinctly exceptional. As a class +they stand, as I said, amongst the dignified things of life. + +Parsons is our head-porter, and perhaps he is the sublimest of them +all. Freshmen raise their squares to him, and Oriental students can +rarely bring themselves to enter the porter's lodge during their first +term without previously removing their shoes. Few except fourth-year +men have the temerity to address him as "Parsons" to his face; it +seems such an awful thing to do, like keeping a chapel in bedroom +slippers or walking arm-in-arm with a Blue. You feel awkward about it. + +In order to give you a shadowy idea of Parsons' majesty I must hark +back for a moment to a certain day in November, 1914, when Biffin and +I, after a brief dalliance with the C.U.O.T.C., left Cambridge to join +our regiments. It was pouring with rain, but we were elated in spirit; +we had our commissions; things were going to happen; we felt almost +in case to jostle a constable. As we passed out through the porter's +lodge Parsons sat at his table, imperturbable and austere, his eagle +eyes flashing from beneath his bushy brows and his venerable +beard sweeping his breast. At that moment Biffin, overwrought with +excitement, forgot himself. + +"Cheerio, Parsons, old cracker," he shouted wildly; "how's the weather +suit your whiskers?" + +Then, realising the enormity of his act, he turned suddenly pale, +dashed out into the road and dived panic-stricken into the waiting +taxi. We made good our escape. + + * * * * * + +Those seven stars represent the War. I take a childlike pleasure +in dismissing Armageddon in this brusque fashion. If you have had +anything at all to do with it you will understand. + +Having been demobilised at a relatively early date, out of respect for +our pivotal intellects, Biffin and I were bound for Cambridge, to take +up the threads of learning where WILHELM had snapped them some years +previously. Both of us have changed a little. Biffin has been burnt +brown by the suns of Egypt, while I wear a small souvenir of Flanders +on my upper lip. + +"I wonder if Parsons will remember us," said Biffin as the train +thundered into the station. + +"Of course he will," I replied. "Parsons never forgets anything." + +"I doubt it," said Biffin. + +As our taxi drew up before the portals of Alma Mater the first person +we saw, standing on the steps of the porter's lodge, was Parsons. He +was as Olympian as ever. As soon as you saw him you felt that, though +they might abolish compulsory Greek or introduce a Finance Tripos, +they would never be able to subdue the ancient spirit of the +University. A single glimpse of Parsons, standing erect in all his +traditional glory, showed up people like Mr. H.G. WELLS in their true +perspective in a moment. It did one good. + +We approached him. "Good afternoon, Parsons," we said, with a brave +attempt at _sang-froid_. + +Parsons regarded us. "Good afternoon, Mr. Jones," he said to me. Then +his eyes rested on Biffin. "Good afternoon, Sir," he said. + +Biffin nudged me, "He's forgotten me," he whispered. Parsons continued +to subject him to an implacable scrutiny. At length he spoke again. +"As to your question, Mr. Biffin, which I have had no earlier +opportunity of answering, I may say that what you were pleased to +allude to as my whiskers--a colloquialism I do not myself employ--are +entirely impervious to and unaffected by any climatic variations +whatsoever. Your rooms, Sir, are on Staircase B." + + * * * * * + +TRUE HOSPITALITY. + + "Lecture by Rev. W. ----. 'The Dragon, The Beast and The False + Prophet.' All welcome."--_Scotsman_. + + * * * * * + + "Scotch reels, corner dances, and waltzes were favourites at + the Masons' ball on Tuesday evening. Dancers fought shy of the + fog-trot which has proved so popular at other dances."--_Scots + Paper_. + +Perhaps they were afraid of missing their steps in the dark. + + * * * * * + + "Detroit to-day completed its first year as the world's + largest 'dry' city. The city has prospered during the past + year both financially and industrially. Murders, suicides, + embezzlements, assaults, robberies and drunkenness were + reduced by half."--_Daily Mail_. + +The record of drunkenness seems still rather high for a teetotal city. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CAUTIOUS DICTATOR. + +PRESIDENT WILSON (_dictating a message to the American Nation_). "AT +LAST WE MAY FAIRLY SAY THAT THE DOVE OF PEACE HAS SIGHTED DRY LAND." +(_Pauses_). "ONE MOMENT--I'M NOT QUITE SURE THEY'LL LIKE THAT WORD +'DRY.'" + +[The New York _World_ asserts that President WILSON has promised to +set aside the Prohibition Law if he finds that popular opinion is +opposed to it.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. WILL JONES, M.C., D.C.M., AND MR. RONALD +MONTMORENCY (TOTAL EXEMPTION 1917--WORK OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE) AS +THEY APPEAR IN THE LEADING PARTS OF THE MELODRAMA "IN HIS COUNTRY'S +NEED." + +Reading from left to right: MR. MONTMORENCY, MR. JONES.] + + * * * * * + +SAFETY FIRST. + +The fact being now established to the satisfaction of the authorities +that the public is composed almost exclusively of drivelling idiots, +a campaign has been instituted for adding to the decorations of London +by placarding the walls with hints on how to avoid various violent +deaths. + +We are surrounded now by blood-curdling photographs of people being +run over by omnibuses or dribbled along the street by horses +attached to brewers' drays, these illustrations being accompanied by +explanatory notes as to the inevitable result of crossing roads with +your eyes shut or your fingers in your ears and endeavouring to alight +from moving omnibuses by means of the back somersault or the swallow +dive. We are also implored to make quite sure, before alighting from a +train, that it is really at a station. + +As this admirable propaganda is only in its infancy, I submit the +following additions to its collection of horrors, which may perhaps +inspire others even cleverer than myself to evolve new methods of +protecting the public from themselves. + +TUBES. + +A picture of a widow wringing her hands with grief, and under it +this pungent hint: "This is the widow of a man who tried to light his +cigarette on the 'live rail.'" + +A picture of a man who has been cut in half, with, say, a crisp little +couplet:-- + + "Here are two portions of Benjamin Yates + Who scorned the request to 'stand clear of the gates.'" + +A photograph of the interior of a hospital ward full of patients, +with the following: "Interior of a ward in the Bakerdilly Hospital, +exclusively for patients who stepped off the moving staircase with the +wrong foot." + +TRAINS. + +A picture of a stately building standing in its own grounds with the +description: "The N.S.E. & W. Railway Orphanage for children whose +parents crossed the line by the track instead of the footbridge." + +A picture of a decapitated body with the poignant comment:-- + + "Be warned by the ending + Of Ferdinand Goschen + Who leaned out of window + While the train was in motion." + +And perhaps a few general hints such as:-- + +(1) In stepping off an omnibus always alight feet first. + +(2) In crossing crowded thoroughfares, proceed through the traffic, +not under it. + +(3) Before stepping from the pavement make quite sure that there is a +road there, etc., etc. + +Imagination, colour--that's all that's wanted, and if this propaganda +is carried far enough the safety of the public will be assured, for +either they really will try not to be killed while travelling or +walking in the streets, or they will stay indoors altogether. + + * * * * * + + A DISCIPLINARIAN. + + "SCHOOLMISTRESS'S RESIGNATION." + + Miss ---- will have the satisfaction of knowing that she + has left her mark on those who have passed through her + hands."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Closing scores in the professional golf match were Newman + 14,835; Inman 13,343."--_Provincial Paper_. + +This high scoring was due, we understand, to the large number of +losing hazards which had to be negotiated. + + * * * * * + + "Aerial fights to and from towns on the coast are to be a + feature of Hythe's holiday season."--_Belfast Weekly News_. + +We are all in favour of popularising aviation, but we think this is +over-doing it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Director of old-established firm_. "I HOPE YOU DON'T +SMOKE?" + +_The new "Boy_." "NO--GIVEN IT UP. FIND IT 'PUFFS' ME FOR JAZZIN'."] + + * * * * * + +SPRING CLEANING + + The hailstorm stopped; a watery sun came out, + And late that night I clearly saw the moon; + The lilac did not actually sprout, + But looked as if it ought to do in June. + I did not say, "My love, it is the Spring;" + I rubbed my chilblains in a cheerful way + And asked if there was some warm woollen thing + My wife had bought me for the first of May; + And, just to keep the ancient customs green, + We said we 'd give the poor old house a clean. + + Good Mr. Ware came down with all his men, + And filled the house with lovely oily pails, + And went away to lunch at half-past ten, + And came again at tea-time with some nails, + And laid a ladder on the daffodil, + And opened all the windows they could see, + And glowered fiercely from the window-sill + On me and Mrs. Tompkinson at tea, + And set large quantities of booby-traps + And then went home--a little tired, perhaps. + + They left their paint-pots strewn about the stair, + And switched the lights off--but I knew the game; + They took the geyser--none could tell me where; + It was impossible to wash my frame. + The painted windows would not shut again, + But gaped for ever at the Eastern skies; + The house was full of icicles and rain; + The bedrooms smelled of turpentine and size; + And if there be a more unpleasant smell + I have no doubt that that was there as well. + + My wife went out and left me all alone, + While more men came and clamoured at the door + To strip the house of everything I own, + The curtains and the carpets from the floor, + The kitchen range, the cushions and the stove, + And ask me things that husbands never know, + "Is this 'ere paint the proper shade of mauve?" + Or "Where is it this lino has to go?" + I slunk into the cellar with the cat, + This being where the men had put my hat. + + I cowered in the smoking-room, unmanned; + The days dragged by and still the men were here. + And then I said, "I too will take a hand," + And borrowed lots of decorating gear. + I painted the conservatory blue; + I painted all the rabbit-hutches red; + I painted chairs in every kind of hue, + A summer-house, a table and a shed; + And all of it was very much more fair + Than any of the work of Mr. Ware. + + But all his men were stung with sudden pique + And worked as never a worker worked before; + They decorated madly for a week + And then the last one tottered from the door, + And I was left, still working day and night, + For I have found a way of keeping warm, + And putting paint on everything in sight + Is surely Art's most satisfying form; + I know no joy so simple and so true + As painting the conservatory blue. + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROFESSOR, IN HIS CAGE, INTENDED TO STUDY THE +LANGUAGE OF MONKEYS. BUT, WHEN THE KETTLE UPSET, THE MONKEYS HAD AN +OPPORTUNITY OF STUDYING THE LANGUAGE OF PROFESSORS.] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST OF HIS RACE. + +IT is interesting, though ill-mannered, to watch other people at a +railway bookstall and guess their choice of literature from their +outward appearance. + +Had you pursued this diversion, however, in the case of Mr. Harringay +Jones as he stood before the bookstall at Paddington, you would, I +fear, have been far out in your conjecture. For Mr. Jones, who had the +indeterminate baldheadedness of the bank cashier and might have been +anything from thirty-five to sixty, did not purchase a volume +of essays or a political autobiography, but selected a flaming +one-and-sixpenny narrative of spy hunts and secret service intrigue. + +Still, how could you have guessed that Mr. Jones's placid countenance +and rotund frame concealed an imagination that was almost boyish in +its unsatisfied craving for adventure? Humdrum year had succeeded +humdrum year, yet he had never despaired. Some day would come that +great moment when the limelight of the world's wonder would centre on +him, and he would hold the stage alone. + +But till its arrival he consoled himself with literature and found +vicarious enjoyment in the deeds of others. As long as his imagination +could grow lean in its search for treasure amid Alaskan snows, he +recked not if reality added an inch or two to his circumference. +While he could solve, in fancy, problems that had baffled the acutest +investigators, what matter if his tie-pin got mislaid? + +And then came war to deposit romance and adventure upon our doorsteps. +Mr. Jones was agog with excitement. + +Espionage, treachery in high places, the hidden hand--Mr. Jones read +about them all and shuddered with unholy joy. Perhaps he, an obscure +cashier--who could tell? Stranger things had happened. + +Meanwhile he devoured all the spy literature he could find, for, as he +once remarked to himself, in dealing with such gentry you have to mind +your P's and QUEUX. It was his only joke. + +His literary choice dictated by such considerations, Mr. Jones +picked his way delicately across the platforms till he reached his +compartment, into the corner of which he stretched himself luxuriously +and prepared to enjoy his book. + +Just before the train started a lady entered carrying a baby +and--greatly to Mr. Jones's annoyance--took the corner seat opposite +him. Being a confirmed bachelor, he had a horror of all babies, +but this child in particular struck him with disfavour; seldom, he +thought, had he seen such a peevish discontented expression on any +human face. + +Close on the lady's heels followed a withered old man of the +traditional professorial type, who seated himself at the other end of +the compartment. + +Mr. Jones buried himself in his book. For once, however, the narrative +failed to entertain him. Beautiful spies lavished their witchery in +vain; the sagacity of the hero left him cold. + +Suddenly an atmosphere of unrest and agitation conveyed itself to +him. The train was slowing down in the darkness; the lady opposite +was leaning forward, her face pale, her whole attitude tense with +excitement. The train stopped; outside someone was walking along the +metals; there came the sound of a guttural remark. + +The lady put her hand to her heart and, turning to the elderly +gentleman, gasped, "Doctor, that was his voice. They have tracked us." + +The old man rose quietly and, opening the far door, stood waiting. + +"But the child?" she cried with a sob. + +"He must be left behind, Madame. There is less danger thus." + +"But what am I to do?" She turned to Mr. Jones, looked at him steadily +and fixedly, and then, as if satisfied with what she read in him, +exclaimed, "You have a good heart. You must keep him. Do not let them +have him; too much depends upon it." + +And before the astonished cashier had time to protest his +fellow-travellers had gone and he was alone with the child. + +But not for long. Just as the train commenced to move again three men +entered the compartment; two appeared to be servants, but the third +was a young man of distinguished appearance, the most conspicuous +items of whose attire were a dark Homburg hat and a long cape of +Continental cut. + +Mr. Jones's heart missed a beat. + +Throwing a searching glance around the compartment the stranger rapped +out, "There has been a lady in here?" + +"No," replied Mr. Jones, on general principles. + +For answer the stranger picked a cambric handkerchief off the floor. + +"That's mine," said Mr. Jones hastily. + +"Perhaps," was the sneering reply, "you will tell me also that the +child is yours." + +"Certainly," said Mr. Jones, ruffled by his cross-examination; "it +always has been." + +The stranger snorted contemptuously. "You are good at explanations. +Perhaps you can explain this." + +Mr. Jones looked down at the baby's coat. To his amazement he beheld a +crown and monogram embroidered on it. + +"That," he replied, taking refuge in fatuity, "is the laundry mark." + +"Come, come, enough of this fooling. Give me the child." + +Mr. Jones took no notice. + +"Give me the child, I say." + +Mr. Jones paled but did not move. + +"Very good, then." The stranger turned to his attendants. "Rupert, +Rudolph," he said. + +Two revolver barrels flashed out. + +Mr. Jones stood up hastily, the child clutched tightly in his arms. +"What do you mean by threatening me like this? What right have you to +the child? I never heard of such a thing; I shall inform the police." + +"Porkhound," yelled the stranger, "do you defy me? me, Count Achtung +von Eisenbahn? Give me the babe. I must have him. I will have him. He +is ours--our Prince Fritz, the last of the Hohenzollerns." + +The great moment had come. Jones's face lit up. Death--a hero's +death--might claim him, but he would make democracy safe for the +world. + +"Last of the Hohenzollerns!" he shouted; "then, by Jove, this is going +to be the last of _him_." And with a yell of triumph he hurled the +infant out into the night. + +From the child in its trajectory came a long ear-splitting shriek, +followed by a gentle wailing. + +Mr. Jones sat up and blinked his eyes. The professorial gentleman was +still in the far corner; the lady was still opposite him; the child +was wailing softly. + +The lady smiled. "I'm afraid baby has broken your nap. A passing +express frightened him." + +"Not at all," murmured Mr. Jones incoherently, searching for his +novel, the one solace left amid the ruin of his dreams. + +"Pardon me," said the lady, "but if you are looking for your book you +threw it out of the window just before you woke up." + +Mr. Jones sank back resignedly. His glory had gone, his book had gone. + +Once again he settled himself in his corner to sleep--perchance to +dream. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "JACKY, DEAR, YOUR HANDS ARE FRIGHTFULLY DIRTY." + +"NOT 'FRIGHTFULLY,' MUMMY. A LOT OF THAT'S SHADING."] + + * * * * * + +STRANGE BEHAVIOUR OF THE GERMAN ENVOYS. + + "Five minutes later the German plenipotentiaries reappeared, + dived into Allied representatives, emerged, jumped into their + car and drove off."--_Dublin Evening Mail_. + + * * * * * + +CHANT ROYAL OF CRICKET. + + When earth awakes as from some dreadful night + And doffs her melancholy mourning state, + When May buds burst in blossom and requite + Our weary eyes for Winter's tedious wait, + Then the pale bard takes down his dusty lyre + And strikes the thing with more than usual fire. + Myself, compacted of an earthier clay, + I oil my bats and greasy homage pay + To Cricket, who, with emblems of his court, + Stumps, pads, bails, gloves, begins his Summer sway. + Cricket in sooth is Sovran King of Sport. + + As yet no shadows blur the magic light, + The glamour that surrounds the opening date. + Illusions yet undashed my soul excite + And of success in luring whispers prate. + I see myself in form; my thoughts aspire + To reach the giddy summit of desire. + Lovers and such may sing a roundelay, + Whate'er that be, to greet returning May; + For me, not much--the season's all too short; + I hear the mower hum and scent the fray. + Cricket in sooth is Sovran King of Sport. + + A picture stands before my dazzled sight, + Wherein the hero, ruthlessly elate, + Defies all bowlers' concentrated spite. + That hero is myself, I need not state. + 'Tis sweet to see their captain's growing ire + And his relief when I at last retire; + 'Tis sweet to run pavilionwards and say, + "Yes, somehow I _was_ seeing them to-day"-- + Thus modesty demands that I retort + To murmured compliments upon my play. + Cricket in sooth is Sovran King of Sport. + + The truth's resemblance is, I own, but slight + To these proud visions which my soul inflate. + This is the sort of thing: In abject fright + I totter down the steps and through the gate; + Somehow I reach the pitch and bleat, "Umpire, + Is that one leg?" What boots it to inquire? + The impatient bowler takes one grim survey, + Speeds to the crease and whirls--a lightning ray? + No, a fast yorker. Bang! the stumps cavort. + Chastened, but not surprised, I go my way. + Cricket in sooth is Sovran King of Sport. + + Lord of the Game, for whom these lines I write, + Fulfil my present hope, watch o'er my fate; + Defend me from the swerver's puzzling flight; + Let me not be run out, at any rate. + As one who's been for years a constant trier, + Reward me with an average slightly higher; + Let it be double figures. This I pray, + Humblest of boons, before my hair grows grey + And Time's flight bids me in the last resort + Try golf, or otherwise your cause betray. + Cricket in sooth is Sovran King of Sport. + + King, what though Age's summons I obey, + Resigned to dull rheumatics and decay, + Still on one text my hearers I'll exhort, + As long as hearers within range will stay: + "Cricket in sooth is Sovran King of Sport." + + * * * * * + + "Royal Horse Guards.--Captain (acting Marquis) W.B. Marquis of + Northampton resigns his commission."--_Provincial Paper_. + +But retains, we trust, his acting rank. + + * * * * * + +SPRING MODES AT MURMANSK. + +We, the enthusiasts of the Relief Force who sailed from England with +the fine phrases of the Evening Press ringing in our ears have arrived +at Murmansk, only to be disappointed and disillusioned. It is not that +the expedition looks less attractive than it did, or that our leaders +fail to inspire us with confidence. It is because the gilt has +disappeared from the sartorial gingerbread of our adventure. + +Why did we leap forward to volunteer before we were wanted and +continue to leap till, for very boredom, they sent us embarcation +orders and a free warrant? Was it simply to escape an English Spring? +Was it not rather that we might win our furs--might wear the romantic +outfit which we were led to believe was _de rigueur_ in the most +exclusive circle, namely, the Arctic? What was the first remark of our +female relatives when we showed them the War Office telegram? Was it +not, "Of course you must be photographed in your furs and things?" + +No wonder, after the monotony of khaki, if we looked forward to the +glory and distinction of fur-lined caps and coats, Shackleton boots, +huge snow-goggles and enormous gloves turning hands to savage paws. + +And now what spectacle greets us at Murmansk, with everybody's camera +cleared for action? What is the example set by those to whom we +naturally look for light and leading? Behold the General and his Staff +coming on board in the snow-reflected sunshine flashing with the gold +and scarlet trimmings of Whitehall. And what of the old residents, our +comrades? They are playing football in shorts and sweaters. + +The genial R.T.O. cheered us up a little and kept the more resolute +of our Arctic heroes in countenance by sporting a magnificent and +irresistible fur head-dress; but an R.T.O. can do what would be +regarded as nerve in you and me; and, moreover, here is the A.P.M. +in the familiar flat cap, encircled with the traditional colour of +authority. + +Even the nice little Laplander and his lady, driving in to do +shopping, drawn on a sleigh by a nicely-matched trio of reindeer, was +sitting on more furs than he or Mrs. L. were wearing; while even the +naked team seemed to feel the heat oppressive. + +I suppose we have come too late in the year for the romance of skins +and ski, and must condescend to the familiar gum-boot until the +mosquito season opens and a man may design some becoming effect in +muslin. + +Of course there is still plenty of snow to be photographed against in +the full splendour of a Hyperborean disguise; but is it worth while to +unpack one's valise for that? And anyhow would not the atmosphere of +the picture be marred, the pose of the explorer be rendered unnatural +by his consciousness of insincerity and his fear of imminent +suffocation? + +So the Photographic Press of England must bear their loss as best they +may. + + * * * * * + + "Dear Sir,--Mr. Gould has authorised this committee to hereby + and of this date relinquish the title of world's open champion + at tennis. He feels it is inexpedient for him to defend his + title."--_Field_. + +It is understood that he is afraid that the strain might make him +split another infinitive. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Siddons Kemble, a young Bensonian actor, who plays the + part of 'A Poet' in 'Cyrano,' is the great-great-grandson of + the actress Sarah Siddons and her equally famous brothers, + John Phillip Kemble, Charles Kemble and Henry Stephen + Kemble."--_Evening News_. + +There must have been a remarkable amount of close intermarriage in the +KEMBLE family. + + * * * * * + +ROYAL ACADEMY--FIRST DEPRESSIONS. + +[Illustration: _Ulysses (disillusioned)._ "FULL SPEED AHEAD!"] + +[Illustration: _Sir William Bull (to Mr. Hacker)_. "I WARN YOU THAT IF +THIS ASH FALLS IT MAY THROW ME OFF MY BALANCE."] + + +[Illustration: "PULVIS ET UMBRA." + +_Excited Spectator_. "TWO TO ONE ON UMBRA."] + + +[Illustration: _Disgusted Artist_. "WHAT'S THE GOOD OF MY TRYING TO +PAINT HER WHEN SHE KEEPS ON FALLING ASLEEP?" ] + + +[Illustration: "OH, DO HURRY UP AND FINISH! I'M GROWING OUT OF MY +CLOTHES."] + + +[Illustration: _The Donkey_. "LET THEM FACE THE CAMERA IF THEY LIKE. +FOR MY PART, I'M AT MY BEST IN PROFILE."] + + +[Illustration: _The Right Hon. Mr. Justice Darling_. "NO, THIS IS +_NOT_ A JOKE!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cynical Taxi-driver._ "HERE!--HI!--ME LORD! YOU'VE +MADE A MISTAKE--YOU'VE GIVE ME TUPPENCE TOO MUCH!"] + + * * * * * + +THE COOK. + +(_With acknowledgments to TENNYSON and CALVERLEY_.) + + Urged by the Government, with loyal step + I to the Labour Bureau made my way + To find a cook; and there beheld a queen, + Tall, fair, arrayed in feathers and in fur + And all things beautiful. Whom when I saw, + "Madam," said I, "they tell me, who should know, + That you have skill of Mrs. Beeton's art. + If that be so--" She nodded "Yes," and I + Assumed a courage, though I had it not, + And spoke again: "Then tell me, if you will, + Of your experience and past career. + Whence come you?" And the cook--why not?--replied: + + "I come from haunts of bomb and shell, + I've toyed with lathes and gauges, + I've sparkled out a sudden swell + With quite unheard-of wages. + + "By thirty shops I've paused to buy + Silk stockings, skirts and undies, + In fifty stores I've sat to try + Smart tango boots for Sundays. + + "Down Bond Street gaily would I float, + Buy chairs, pianos, tables, + With here and there a sealskin coat, + And here and there some sables. + + "I'd slip, I'd slide, I'd jazz, I'd glide, + I'd fox-trot, one- and two-step, + And show with pardonable pride + My skill at every new step. + + "I'd dance until my soles wore raw, + When, tired of dissipation, + I'd lie in bed whole weeks and draw + My out-of-work donation. + + "And when that palled I'd rise to see + What fortunes cooks are earning, + And how the ladies long for me + With dumb pathetic yearning. + + "I flit about, I skip, I roam + Through houses past the telling, + Through many a stately ducal home, + And many a Mayfair dwelling. + + "I chatter in the servants' hall, + I make a sudden sally, + And with the parlourmaid I brawl + Or bicker with the valet. + + "I murmur under moon and stars + With blue and khaki lovers, + I linger in resplendent bars + With golden taxi shuvvers. + + "But out again I come and know + That Fate will fail me never, + For wars may come and wars may go, + But cooks go on for ever." + + * * * * * + + "SUN ECLIPSE IN MAY. + + WIRELESS OPERATORS' HELP ASKED." + + _Daily Paper_. + +We ought all to put our shoulders to the wheel and make this Victory +Eclipse a big thing. + + * * * * * + + "All the Lumpkins are clever and some of them are + brilliant.... The head of the family, Lord Durham, is an + exceptionally ready and witty man."--_The Globe._ + +Readers of GOLDSMITH may suggest that _Anthony Lumpkin, Esq_., was +not a brilliant Lumpkin; but it may well be that he was only distantly +connected with that branch of the family from which Lord DURHAM traces +his descent. In this connection a correspondent suggests the following +train of thought: Lambton--Lambkin--Lump(ofcoal)kin. + + * * * * * + + "We stand at the noon of the greatest day the world has seen, + with all the hideous darkness of the night behind and all the + glory of the dawn before." + + _Mr. Arthur MEE in "Lloyd's News_." + +It looks as if the dawn would be a day late. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GERMANY DRAWS THE PEN. + +"IT'S NOT EXACTLY A SABRE, BUT I DARESAY I CAN CONTRIVE TO KEEP IT +RATTLING FOR A BIT."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, May 5th_.--Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES is the maid-of-all-work of the +Ministry. Deputising for the PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE he had +an opportunity of displaying an encyclopaedic knowledge which fully +justified his position as President-elect of a Canadian University. +Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS probably thought he had floored him with a poser on +"gas-scrubbing," but Sir AUCKLAND knew all about it. + +He is discreet as he is erudite. An inquiry about meat-imports +elicited plenty of information about "ewe-mutton" and "wether-mutton," +but not a word about the Manchurian and other exotic beef recently +foisted upon London consumers. + +Mr. REMER is one of the most attractive and enterprising of the new +Members. But I am afraid, despite his cheery appearance, that he is +a bit of a pessimist. With Peace believed to be so near, it was +distinctly depressing to find him calling attention to the danger of +a deficiency of pit-props "in any future war," and refusing to be put +off with the usual official answer, "in view of the urgency of the +question." + +There are few topics which excite more general interest in the House +than the shortage of whisky. When, in reply to a complaint by Colonel +THORNE that a firm of Scotch distillers had refused to furnish their +customers with adequate supplies, Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS remarked that +he would like to be supplied with "specific cases," he was, no doubt +unconsciously, expressing an almost universal desire. + +Before the War, as we learned from Mr. ILLINGWORTH, Government offices +used to send on the average about forty thousand telegrams a month. At +the end of it the number had risen to close on a million. Much of the +increase is due, no doubt, to zeal for the rapid despatch of public +business, but some, one fears, to the natural tendency of dug-outs +(even in Whitehall) to protect themselves with wire-entanglements. + +If one were to believe all that the Scottish Members said about +their own country in the debate upon the Housing (Scotland) Bill Dr. +JOHNSON'S gibes would be abundantly justified. Half the population, +according to Sir DONALD MACLEAN, are living in such over-crowded +conditions that the wonder is that any of the children survive to +man's estate, and still more that they retain sufficient energy to run +most of the British Empire. But in the circumstances a certain amount +of exaggeration may be forgiven. When it is a case of touching the +Imperial Exchequer for local advantage the Scot is no whit behind the +Irishman in "making the poor face." + +_Tuesday, May 6th_.--The Scottish peers are no less impressed with the +miserable condition of their country, Lord FORTEVIOT declared that in +the Western Hebrides the housing accommodation was no better than the +caves of primitive man. Yet these cave-dwellers furnished some of +the stoutest recruits to the British army. Perhaps it was their early +experience that made them so much at home in the trenches. + +Their lordships gave a Second Reading to the Solicitors' Bill, +designed to enable the Incorporated Law Society to punish as well +as try offending attorneys, instead of leaving their sentences to +be determined by a Divisional Court. The LORD CHANCELLOR and Lord +BUCKMASTER were of one mind in thinking that the measure would +be enthusiastically welcomed by the lower branch of their +profession--presumably on the principle of "Better the devil you know +than the devil you don't know." + +[Illustration: _Mr. G.H. Roberts_. "I COME TO BURY FOOD CONTROL--ALSO +TO PRAISE IT."] + +The issue of an official pamphlet on "The Classics in British +Education" aroused the wrath of Colonel YATE, who contemptuously asked +what "suchlike subjects" had to do with reconstruction. Before the +Minister could answer, Sir JOHN REES, fearing lest all Anglo-Indians +should be thought to hold the same cultural standard, jumped to his +feet to declare that he had read the pamphlet and found it admirable. + +Of all the new Departments instituted during the War the Food Ministry +has best justified its existence. Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS'S account of its +activities was very well received, and many regrets were expressed +that he should have come to bury CAESAR as well as to praise him. +Mr. CLYNES, to whom and the late Lord RHONDDA much of the Ministry's +success was due, was particularly insistent on the need of some +permanent Government control, to counter the machinations of the +food-trusts. + +The chief criticisms of the Ministry related to its milk-policy, and +these were appropriately dealt with by Mr. MCCURDY. + +_Wednesday, May 7th_.--In Downing Street apparently Mesopotamia is not +regarded as a "blessed word," for when Colonel WEDGWOOD asked whether +that country, after its future status had been decided, would be taken +out of the hands of the Foreign Office Mr. CECIL HARMSWORTH fervently +replied, "I hope so!" + +I wonder whether Sir DAVID BEATTY, now enjoying a well-earned holiday +on the Riviera, is as grateful as he ought to be to Commander BELLAIRS +for trying to get him back into harness. He has been promised both by +Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. LONG the reversion of Sir ROSSLYN WEMYSS' post +as First Sea Lord as soon as it is vacant. But no immediate change is +contemplated. Meantime it is pleasant to learn from Mr. LONG that the +late C.-in-C. of the Grand Fleet "has been consulted on Naval policy +since the Armistice." So he is not yet quite forgotten. + +A new form of wireless telegraphy has been invented by the Post Office +officials. When really urgent messages are handed in for transmission +to Paris they despatch them by passenger train; they find this method +much quicker than cabling. + +An attempt by Sir DONALD MACLEAN to draw attention to the recent +exploits of the LORD LIEUTENANT OF IRELAND in the field of Journalism +was severely suppressed by the SPEAKER, who perhaps thinks that the +less said about them the better. It seems a pity that the Press Censor +should have been demobilised just when his famous blue pencil might +have been really useful. + +Recognising that in the present temper of the House a frontal attack +upon Imperial Preference was a forlorn hope the Free Traders sought to +destroy it by an enfilading fire. But their ingenious attempt, in +the alleged interest of the consumer, to extend to China tea the same +reduction as to the product of India and Ceylon was easily defeated. +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN means to have no Chinks in his armour. + +_Thursday, May 8th_.--When the Ministry of Health Bill was in the +Commons some objection was raised to the multiplicity of powers +conferred upon it. But if certain noble lords could have their way the +measure would become a veritable octopus, stretching its absorptive +tentacles over all the Departments of State. It would take over the +inspectorship of factories from the Home Office, the control of quack +medicines from the Privy Council and the relief of the poor from the +Local Government Board. Fortunately for Dr. ADDISON the Government +refused to throw these further burdens upon him. After all, DISRAELI'S +famous phrase, "_Sanitas sanitatum omnia sanitas_," must not be +translated too literally. + +Members were all agog to hear what the Government might have to say +about the Peace-terms announced this morning. Mr. BOTTOMLEY challenged +the adequacy of the financial provisions, but the HOME SECRETARY +evidently felt unequal to a controversy with so great an expert in +money-matters, and requested him to wait for his "big brother," Mr. +BONAR LAW. + +A proposal by Mr. SYDNEY ARNOLD to raise the limit of exemption from +income-tax from £130 to £250 was strongly backed by the Labour Party. +In resisting it the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER pointed out that the +Labour Party had opposed indirect taxation and now they were opposing +direct taxation. In what form did they consider that working-men +should contribute to the expenses of their country? No answer to this +blunt question was forthcoming. + + * * * * * + +THE CHILDREN'S BELLS. + + [The Bells of St, Clement's, which have been too much out of + order to ring for many years, are now being restored. It is + hoped they will be ready to ring the Peace in.] + + Where are your oranges? + Where are your lemons? + What, are you silent now, + Bells of St. Clement's? + You, of all bells that rang + Once in old London, + You, of all bells that sang, + Utterly undone? + You whom the children know + Ere they know letters, + Making Big Ben himself + Call you his betters? + Where are your lovely tones, + Fruitful and mellow, + Full-flavoured orange-gold, + Clear lemon-yellow? + Ring again, sing again, + Bells of St. Clement's! + Call as you swing again, + "Oranges! Lemons!" + Fatherless children + Are listening near you; + Sing for the children-- + The fathers will hear you. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FROM FIELD-MARSHAL TO JOURNALIST. + +LORD FRENCH'S PROMOTION.] + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL RECONSTRUCTION. + +_(By our Special Reporter, who is also busy with the Coal +Commission)_. + +At the meeting of the Musical Reconstruction Commission last Saturday +the President, Mr. Justice Bland, announced the resignation of Mr. +Patrick Horan, an Irish choirmaster, owing to the results of his +adjudicating between the competing Sinn Fein brass bands at a "Feis," +or festival, held at Athlone on Easter Monday. Mr. Justice Bland said +that he felt sure he was interpreting the feelings of all the +members of the Commission in uniting to express regret at Mr. Horan's +resignation and hope for his speedy recovery from his injuries. +Continuing, the President said he had received a letter from the +Minister of Music, informing him that Sir Hercules Plunkett, K.B.E., +Chairman of the Amalgamated Society of Mandolin, Balalaika and +Banjo-makers, had been invited to fill the vacant place. + +Mr. Tony Hole, Scriabin Fellow of Syndicalist Economics at Caius +College, Cambridge, then presented a memorandum on the Guild Control +of Composers on the bagis of a forty-hour week, with equal opportunity +for performance, the economic use of orchestral resources and the +preferential treatment of Russian folk-tunes as thematic material. +All members of the Guild should receive the same salary free of +income tax; all performances should be free, and applause or encores +prohibited as likely to lead to the rupture of artistic solidarity. +The profits from the sale of programmes should go into the National +Exchequer, but should be earmarked for a Pension Fund for the relief +of composers on their compulsory retirement at the age of sixty. + +Examined by Sir Leonardo Spaghetti Coyne, Mr. Hole said that he was +not aware that the mortality among monkeys employed in the piano-organ +industry during the late War was excessive. But he agreed that +the fearlessness shown by the monkeys at the Zoo in the course of +air-raids deserved a special decoration. + +Mr. William Susie, who next occupied the chair, was examined by +Mr. Moody MacTear on the question of the nationalisation of Royalty +Ballads. + +Mr. MacTear, quoting an estimate by a Fellow of the +Thermaëro-statistical Society, that the ballad composers of the +country could produce one hundred and ninety thousand million ballads +in five hundred and eighty years, asked the witness whether it would +be legitimate that a royalty charge should be made on every ballad +produced during that period for the benefit of certain individuals of +future generations. Mr. Susie replied that the State had recognised +the right of royalties and therefore he saw no good reason for +discontinuing the charge. + +_Mr. Gladney Jebb_. Are you aware that there have been more cases of +influenza amongst people who have attended Royalty Ballad concerts +in 1918 than amongst all the troops who served on the Palestine Front +since 1916? Mr. Susie challenged Mr. Jebb to produce his statistics, +and it was arranged, at the suggestion of the President, that Mr. Jebb +should be given facilities to proceed to Jericho and collect them. + +After the luncheon interval Mr. Cyril Blunt read a report, which he +had prepared at the request of the Commission, on the Nationalisation +of the Folk-song Industry. He said that it was a scandalous paradox +that this natural and obvious reform had hitherto been successfully +resisted by unscrupulous individualistic action. Folk-tunes were +the product of and belonged to the People, but they had been seized, +exploited and perverted by composers, who should be forced to refund +the profits they had derived from their robbery. The conservation of +our national musical resources should be jealously guarded, and the +collection, notation and harmonisation of these tunes carried on under +rigorous State supervision. At the same time the State might issue +licences for the symphonic use of folk-tunes, the profits from the +sale of these licences to be devoted to the maintenance of village +festivals, at which only genuine folk-music should be performed by the +oldest inhabitants. + +Asked by Sir Mark Holloway what he meant by genuine folk-music, Mr. +Blunt said, "Tunes of which it is impossible to assign the authorship +to a known composer." + +Mr. Kilcrankie Fox, who was the next witness, was subjected to a very +searching examination by Mr. Moody MacTear, Mr. Gladney Jebb and Sir +Leonardo Spaghetti Coyne. + +_Mr. Moody MacTear_. Are you aware that brass instrument players are +habitually sweated in orchestras and bands?--It depends on what you +mean. I certainly admit that their activities often conduce to profuse +perspiration. + +_Mr. Moody MacTear_. Have you ever played the trombone yourself?--No, +nor the lyre either. + +_Mr. Gladney Jebb_. Are you prepared to deny that the strain on the +nerves of players in Jazz-bands, especially drums, is greater than +that endured by soldiers in the front-line trenches during an intense +bombardment?--As a rule I am prepared to deny at sight any statement +for which you are responsible, but I concede you the big drum. + +_Sir Leonardo Spaghetti Coyne_. Are you aware that, owing to +profiteering in the cloth trade, organ-grinders have been unable to +provide their Simian assistants with proper habiliments during +the recent inclement weather?--"Apes are apes though clothed in +scarlet"--or broadcloth. I have not noticed any shabbiness of late in +the garb of those with whom I am acquainted. + +The Commission broke up at a late hour. At the next meeting evidence +will be taken on the subject of the housing of musical seals and +the alleged profiteering of dealers in burnt cork at the expense of +players in Jazz-bands. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Waiter (a demobilised Sergeant--as Staff officer +enters)._ "ROOM--'SHUN!"] + + "FOR SALE, + + STANDARD BABY. + + Lately overhauled." + + _Cape Times._ + +Inhuman, we call it. + + * * * * * + +THE CONQUERING CELT. + + [Mr. ROBERT O'LOUGHRAN, writing in _The Times_ of May 2nd, + observes, "The Celt is tattooed in his cradle with this + historic belief in his race--a free Ireland."] + + The Sassenach, stodgy and prosy, + Lacks any distinguishing mark; + The Semite has merely been nosey + Right back to the days of the Ark; + The Teuton proclaims himself _edel_ + And points to his family tree; + But the Celt is tattooed in his cradle + With "Erin the Free." + + Some races inherit a stigma, + And some find a spur in their past, + But Ireland's ancestral enigma + Has now been unravelled at last; + For the Celt, the original Gaidel, + Apart from his proud pedigree, + Is always tattooed in his cradle + With "Erin the Free." + + The actual process of branding + I dare not attempt to describe; + Some themes are too high and outstanding + For bards of the doggerel tribe; + But patriot minstrels will ladle + Out lauds on the parents who see + That the Celt is tattooed in his cradle + With "Erin the Free." + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"JUDITH." + +That Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT was actuated by the very highest motives +when he set out to edit the Apocryphal Scriptures for stage purposes, +nobody would dream of doubting. It is the more unfortunate that by +making the rest of the play very dull he should have thrown into +relief certain features in the story of _Judith_ which the original +author had preferred to treat with a commendable reticence. + +It will be recalled that in the ancient version _Holofernes_ made a +feast for _Judith_ "and drank much more wine than he had drunk at any +time in one day since he was born;" that he then lay down on his +bed in a state of stupor, and that _Judith_, taking advantage of his +torpid condition, "approached" and cut off his head at her leisure +with his own "fauchion." The decency of this arrangement is easily +apparent; it obviated the necessity for wanton allurements on the +part of _Judith_ and amorous advances on the side of the +Commander-in-Chief. Incidentally it is more reasonable to assume that +so virile a warrior would yield to nothing short of intoxication than +that he would be persuaded, while still remaining sober, to take a +brief rest (on the ground of temporary indisposition) and so go like a +lamb to the slaughter, as he does in the play. + +To do Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY justice, she went through a scene +embarrassing alike to actors and audience with as much dignity and +aloofness as the situation admitted. In a previous scene there had +been one rather gratuitous posture which we might perhaps have been +spared; but, for the rest, from the moment when she first entered, a +noble figure in her robes of widowhood, veiling all but the oval of +her face, pale and passionless, she played with a fine restraint, +giving us confidence in her reserve of strength and never once +allowing her high purpose to be forgotten. + +It was not her fault if, in the night scene, amid a generous exposure +of physical facts, we missed the less palpable atmosphere of impending +doom. Certainly the _Holofernes_ of Mr. CLAUDE KING never for a moment +suggested it. I admit that I had not hitherto seen an Assyrian officer +making love on the edge of his grave and so had no exact precedent to +go by, but this officer, with his face far too well groomed for +the conclusion of a heavy banquet, and those rather anaemic and +perfunctory gestures of endearment, which had nothing to do with +the sombre forces of elemental passion, gave no hint of the sinister +workings of Fate. + +This lack of atmosphere pervaded G.H.Q. Apart from Miss MCCARTHY, Mr. +THESIGER, whose performance as _Bagoas_ must have astonished those +who only knew him on the stage as a frivolous _flâneur_, was the sole +character who conveyed any sense of the general uncanniness of things. + +Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S own novelties--the very rapid fraternization of +_Judith's_ little Cockney maid with the enemy; her own inexplicable +love-at-first-sight for an Ammonite pervert; the laborious +pretentiousness of _Ozias_, the Governor of Bethulia; the tedious +garrulity of the oldest inhabitant, and the topical reference, in the +manner of pantomime, to the War of 1914-1918 A.D.--these offered no +great improvement on the original narrative. On the other hand his +neglect to show us the head of _Holofernes_, which constitutes so +dramatic a property in the Book of Judith, was a noticeable omission. +But perhaps he was well-advised to leave it out, for I thought I +detected the significant presence of Mr. BILLING in the stalls. + +[Illustration: MANUAL EXERCISE. + +_Bagoas_ (MR. THESIGER). "CANST DO THIS WITH THY HANDS, WOMAN?" + +_Judith_ (MISS LILLAH MCCARTHY). "NAY, MIGHTINESS, THY SLAVE CAN DO NO +BETTER THAN THIS POOR TRICK."] + +I ought perhaps to add that there was a _Messenger_ whose refinement +of speech greatly struck me. He said that he came from Jerusalem, but +he sounded as if he came from Balliol. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "A party of police have been stationed in and around the + premises, and to-day their number were augmented by a party of + Scottish Horse Marines."--_Cork Paper_. + +We are glad to see this historic unit bobbing up again. + + * * * * * + +C.K.S. AND U.S.A. + +The news that our own and only C.K.S.--the "Great Clem of Literature," +and the "Wee Cham of Literature," as he is alternatively and +affectionately known to the members of the Johnson Club--was on +his way to America aroused the liveliest excitement among our +fellow-war-winners, and preparations on a grand scale were made for +his reception. The statue of Liberty was transformed to resemble +Mnemosyne (pronounced more or less to rhyme with limousine), the +mother of the Muses, and a bodyguard of poets, novelists, writers, +journalists and brainy boys generally was drawn up on the quay. + +As soon as the new Columbus was through the Customs these formed a +procession and escorted him to his hotel, where a private suite had +been engaged, with hot and cold ink laid on. + +At a banquet given by the Highbrow Club in the evening the illustrious +visitor was the principal guest. As a pretty compliment the floral +decorations were all of shamrock, and everything in the menu was +Spherical, or nearly so, beginning with radishes and passing on to +rissoles, dumplings, potatoes and globe artichokes, plum pudding and +tapioca. Humorous allusions to the Eastern and Western Clemi-spheres +were of constant occurrence. + +In response to the toast of "Literature, Ancient and Modern," coupled +with the name of its most vigilant champion, Mr. SHORTER said that he +was indeed happy to be on soil hallowed by association with so many +writers of merit. To name them would be invidious, but he might say +that he had enjoyed the pleasure of intimate correspondence with a +large number of them, all of whom had testified to the value which +they set upon his friendship. Although he looked upon himself as the +least of men (cries of "No, no"), yet he should always be proud to +remember that some of his criticisms had not fallen on stony ground. +(Loud cheers.) He had in his pocket friendly letters from men whose +eminence would electrify his hearers. (Sensation.) He would not read +them (moans of despair) because that would be to break the seal of +secrecy. (Loud cheers and singing "For he's a jolly Shortfellow.") + +Mr. SHORTER'S main purpose is to meet the best American minds in +friendly intercourse and thus to promote Britannico-Columbian amity +and an even freer interchange of ideas than the theatre now ensures. +To this end he has visited or will visit every place of importance, +including the Bowery, China Town, Uncle Tom's Cabin, the Yosemite +Valley, Niagara, Tuxedo, Chicago, the Waldorf-Astoria, Bunker's Hill, +Milwaukee, Chautauqua, the Clover Club, Greenwich Village and Troy. + +Mr. SHORTER'S visit to America is otherwise a purely private one. More +Irish than the Irish though he is known to be, he has for the moment +sheathed his shillelagh. None the less, the condition of Ireland being +so critical, he hopes to address a few meetings on the aspirations of +his adopted country. + +Although the tour is of this private character, Mr. SHORTER is not +unprepared to record his opinions as they occur to him or to continue +to nourish his mind on the latest productions of the human intellect. +His travelling entourage comprises a brace of highly-trained typists, +a librarian, the Keeper of the Paper-knife and a faithful stenographer +known as "Boswell," who is pledged to miss none of the Master's +_dicta_. During the voyage Mr. SHORTER had the services of a special +Marconi operator, so that he might receive half-hourly bulletins as +to the state of the publishing world, contents of the literary papers, +deaths of editors and fellow-critics, new knighthoods and so forth. +The Atlantic, on the whole, did not displease him. + +Details of the tour which have already reached home indicate that its +success is profound. + +At Boston Mr. SHORTER, although his visit was brief, found time +to deliver his famous _causerie_, "Men of Letters Whom I have +Influenced," with special reference to GEORGE MEREDITH. + +At Waterbury (which there is some possibility of renaming Shorterbury) +the great critic was made the recipient of an address of welcome and a +watch. + +At Pittsburg the freedom of the Carnegie Libraries all over the world +was conferred upon him by the famous iron-master. + +At Haworth (Minn.) Mr. SHORTER presented the postmaster with an +autographed copy of his _magnum opus_ on the BRONTËS. + +At Salt Lake City he enchanted the Mormon Elders by anecdotes of +THACKERAY'S relations with their namesake, the London publisher. + +At Peoria (Ill.) he kept his audience in roars by recounting the good +sayings of his critical _confrère_, Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON NICOLL. + +At Philadelphia a very old man, who claimed to be a younger brother +of _Mr. Rochester_ (in _Jane Eyre_), publicly embraced the illustrious +visitor and borrowed two dollars. + +The rumour that Mr. SHORTER is to be appointed as our Ambassador in +Washington must not be too lightly dismissed. America often sends us a +man of letters--LOWELL, for example, and HAY. Why should we not return +the compliment? It would be a better appointment than many that could +be named. + +The fact cannot be concealed that at home the absence of Mr. SHORTER +in America is seriously felt. Fleet Street wears a bereaved air and +Dublin is conscious of a poignant loss. As for our authors, they are +in a state of dismay; some, it is true, like mice when the cat is +away, are taking liberties, but most are paralysed by the knowledge +that the watchful eye is not there, the hand, so instant to blame or +praise, is resting. Even publishers, normally an insensitive race are +shaken, and books that were to have been issued have been held back. +For what is the use of bringing out new books if C.K.S. is not here to +pass definitive comments upon them before their ink is dry? + +England's loss is, however, America's gain. A new cocktail has been +named after him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WITHIN THE LAW?] + + * * * * * + +THE PEACE TREATY. + +What really impressed the Germans most of all with the power of the +Big Four was the third clause of Section 3, as given in the Press:-- + + "LEFT BANK OF THE RHINE. + + ... Germany must not maintain or construct any fortifications + less than fifty kilomètres to the East of the Rhine." + +Even WILHELM himself never succeeded in reversing the course of this +famous river. + + * * * * * + + "The fifth issue of The Indian Year Book is issued a little + later than the earlier editions. For this the Editor would ask + immunity."--_Preface to "The Indian Year Book_." + +Granted. Mr. Punch invariably adopts the same order of procedure in +regard to his own publications. + + * * * * * + +MORE ALLEVIATIONS. + +The late JAMES PAYN, who, as is well known, waged a merciless war +against sham admiration in literature, happened one day to hear +me quote that tremendous fellow, SIBRANDUS SCHAFNABURGENSIS. The +particular lines I mean are those in which he says:-- + + "Then I went indoors, brought out a loaf, + Half a cheese and a bottle of Chablis; + Lay on the grass and forgot the oaf + Over a jolly chapter of Rabelais." + +Mr. PAYN remarked sharply:-- + +"It would cost him some trouble to find one. I've never found a jolly +chapter of RABELAIS in my life, and what's more I mean to say so some +day and watch the faces." + +Well, Mr. PAYN believed in stating his own views truthfully. No doubt +the necessity of finding a rhyme for "Chablis" had something to do +with the appearance of RABELAIS' name at the end of that line. But +_that_ cannot have been the reason why POPE, being under no compulsion +of rhyme, brought RABELAIS into his lines:-- + + "O thou! whatever title please thine ear, + Dean, Drapier, Bickerstaff or Gulliver! + Whether thou choose Cervantes' serious air + Or laugh and shake in Rabelais' easy-chair." + +I don't much care whether I have quoted correctly or not. I +suggested last week in these columns that one might be allowed, as +a compensation for advancing years, to use one's quotations without +fastidious regard for their accuracy. On consideration I don't see why +this liberty should not be even further extended. I can see ("in my +mind's eye, Horatio") whole masterpieces coming within its scope and +yielding with a sufficiently bad grace to a courageous candour like +JAMES PAYN'S. Why should _Don Quixote_, for instance, tyrannise over +us? He has had a good innings, in the course of which, it is only fair +to acknowledge, he has been enormously helped by his henchman, _Sancho +Panza_, a fellow of infinite wit, no doubt. There are however readers +who set up these two as idols and would compel us to kneel to them, +especially when _Sancho_ receives the appointment of Governor of +Barataria. I acknowledge I am a constant devotee of _Don Quixote_ and +his _Sancho_, but it is conceivable that there are people who have +no liking for them. Let such, if they are old enough, proclaim it, as +JAMES PAYN did his opinion about RABELAIS' fun. + +I should like to bring certain long poems of universal renown within +the scope of my principle. What about _Paradise Lost_? Did any woman, +except perhaps GEORGE ELIOT, ever read it throughout unless under +scholastic compulsion? I doubt it; her sense of humour would not allow +her to. Take, for instance, the following lines, describing the simple +amusements of our first parents:-- + + "About them frisking played + All beasts of the earth since wild, and of all chase + In wood or wilderness, forest or den. + Sporting the lion ramped, and in his paw + Dandled the kid; bears, tigers, ounces, pards, + Gambolled before them; the unwieldy elephant, + To make them mirth, used all his might, and wreathed + His lithe proboscis." + +Now, if anybody does not like MILTON'S fun, why, in the name of a +"lithe proboscis," should he not say so--in his mature middle-age? + + * * * * * + + "There is a shamelessness among many in both high and low life + that calls for vehement protest. The question with many seems + to be how near they can come to the verge of decency without + falling over."--_Ashore and Afloat_. + +We have noticed a few who have had quite a narrow escape. + + * * * * * + +WAY OUT. + +_(Thoughts on leaving the Crystal Palace.)_ + + A brigadier or two beside the portal + To cry to me with anguish half disguised, + "Hail and farewell, O brother! pomp is mortal"-- + Something, I fancied, something of this sort'll + Happen to me when I'm demobilised. + + That was an error. Not a drum was sounded; + No personage, no panoply, no pep; + Only a single private who expounded + My pathway out, and I went forth dumbfounded; + Merely remembering to mind the step. + + Nothing spectacular and nothing solemn; + No company of men that I might drill, + And either tick 'em off or else extol 'em + And give 'em "Facing left, advance in column," + And leave 'em marching, marching onwards till + + They butted into something. Never a blooming + Ultimate kit-inspection as I passed, + Nor sound of Sergeant-majors' voices booming, + Nor weary stance while _aides-de-camp_ were fuming, + Not even a practice fire-drill at the last. + + And that's the end. To-morrow I'll awaken + To meet a world of doubtfulness and gloom, + By orders and by Adjutants forsaken, + And none to tell what action should be taken, + If any, through what channels, and by whom. + + But dreams remain amidst the new disaster: + There shall be visions when the firelight burns-- + Squads of recruits for ever doubling faster, + Fresh clothing-issues from the Quartermaster + And audit boards and absentee returns. + + I shall forget awhile civilian fashions + And watch the P.T. merchants on the square, + And polish tins and soothe the Colonel's passions, + And mount the guard and go and see the rations + And bid departed days be "as you were." + + And souvenirs! I know there are a number + Who stuff their homes with memories of dread; + The ancient hat-stand in the hall encumber + With _Pickelhaubes_ and delight to slumber + With heaps of nasty nose-caps round their bed. + + Not I, the bard. When delicately suited + I move again amid the _mufti_ swarms, + Since trophies from the Front may be disputed, + I'll flaunt the only spoils that I have looted, + My little library of Army forms. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +"RANTZAU'S INSOLENT ACT." + +Under this heading _The Daily Mail_ states that before entering the +Trianon Palace Hotel to meet the Allies, Count BROCKDORFF-RANTZAU +took "a last deliberate puff at his cigarette," and "dropped it on the +steps, in the middle of a group of Allied officials." We understand +that our contemporary feels that it would have been more in keeping +with Germany's political and economic position had the Count humbly +extinguished the cigarette and placed it in his waistcoat-pocket for +future use. + + * * * * * + + "Spitable offices will be placed at the disposal of the German + Peace delegates."--_Evening Paper_. + +It is the truest hospitality to make provision for your guests' +peculiarities. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Reveller_. "I SAY, WHAT STUNT IS THIS? A +BIRTHDAY OR SOMETHING?" + +_Second ditto_. "DUNNO; FANCY IT'S SOMEBODY'S RAG." + +_First ditto_. "SHOULDN'T ONE SAY 'CHEERIO' TO THE BLIGHTER?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_The Chartered Adventurer_ (SKEFFINGTON) is what AGNES and EGERTON +CASTLE rather pleasantly call their latest hero, _Terence O'Flaherty_, +impecunious gentleman of fortune, lover and general exponent of the +picturesque arts of romance. In a special sense indeed, since you have +him not only adventuring for fame and fortune, but, as a by-product, +turning his exploits into material for a worked-out early-Victorian +novelist, whose "ghost" he had, in a more than usually impecunious +moment, consented to become. I found this same unfortunate +author, gravelled for lack of sensational matter, at once the most +entertaining and original figure in the book, whose course is, to +tell the truth, marked otherwise by no very conspicuous freshness. The +particular adventure to which _O'Flaherty_ and his companion, _Lord +Marlowe_, are here devoted, is concerned with the intrigues of Madame +la duchesse DE BERRI on behalf of her son, as _de jure_ King of +France, under the title of Charles X. They provide an environment +singularly apt for such affairs; the "wild venture" and the abortive, +forgotten rising in which it culminated give colour to a multitude of +dashing exploits. In themselves, however, these follow what might be +called common form, showing the two young men exposed to a sufficiency +of danger and exhibiting that blend of folly and gallantry expected +of their situation. As to the former quality, when, I wonder, will +the heroes of romantic fiction learn that the "pretty youth," with +flashing eyes contradicted by a manner of singular modesty, is +really--well, what common folk could have known her for in the first +glance? To sum up, I should call _The Chartered Adventurer_ admirable +for almost anyone else's writing, but just a little below the best +Castilian standard. + + * * * * * + +_The Pagan_ (METHUEN) certainly deserves to be called one of the +uncommon stories. Whether it will be a popular success is of course a +different matter. At least it confirms my previous suspicion, that +Mr. CHARLES INGE is a novelist who takes his art seriously and is not +afraid of originality. The moral of his tale, which perhaps hardly +needs much enforcing to-day, is--don't be too much impressed with the +idea of the superman, and especially don't try to go one better. That +was the attempt that broke up the happy home where _John Witherson_ +had lived with his wife, his infant son and his mother and +sister-in-law (too many; but that is beside the point). _John_ had +been a schoolmaster, old style, teaching in the ancient faiths, +muscular Christianity, play-the-game, sportsmanship and the rest. But +about half-way through the War the apparent invincibility of brutal +force began to rattle _John's_ nerves. It rattled them so much that +he eventually sold his school, moved his household, including the +in-laws, to Suburbia, and set up, in partnership with two others of +like mind, as instructor of youth, after the jungle law of ruthless +efficiency. Not content with this, he proposed also to turn the infant +_Witherson_ into a prospective superman by giving him toy-tigers and +brief lectures on the rewards of frightfulness. Whereat the mother, +finding her protests disregarded, dried her eyes and set herself to +fill the poor child's infrequent leisure with anti-toxin injections +of the higher morality as conveyed in the poetry of TENNYSON. You now +take my meaning when I speak of Mr. INGE as sufficiently single-minded +to brave some danger of unintentional humour. Really my sketch has +done less than justice to a story that will hold your interest, if +only for the sincerity with which it is handled; for myself I was +first impatient, then derisive, finally curious to know how it was +going to end. I rather think this sounds like a victory for Mr. INGE. + + * * * * * + +It will add a new terror to the Peace if everybody who has done _A +Year of Public Life_ (CONSTABLE) in or about Whitehall is to make a +book about it. Not that Mrs. C.S. PEEL does not deserve well of her +country. She is evidently a capable person and hustled about the +country for the Ministry of Food to some purpose before the days of +compulsory rationing. Her general idea seems to be that simple folk +are tremendously interested in the most trivial and indirect details +of important folk. So she will tell you how Sir HENRY REW and Mr. +ULICK WINTOUR were fond of tea (Sir HENRY liked a bun as well); how +Mr. KENNEDY JONES once lent her his car; how Lord DEVONPORT, asked if +biscuits were included in the voluntary cereal ration, said firmly, +"Yes, they are"; how the chauffeur suddenly put on the brake and she +bumped into "poor M. FAIDIDES"; how she "visited Bath twice and bought +a guide-book," information from which she retails; how secretaries +of Ministers came out to say that Ministers would see her in a few +moments; and how, beyond and above all, the QUEEN, when she inspected +Westminster Bridge kitchen, asked of a certain substance, "What's +that?" and Princess MARY at once replied, "Maize" (just like that). +This kind of anecdote, by the way, which our long-suffering Royal +Family has to endure in the Press might very well be made actionable +under a new _lèse-majesté_ law. There are better things than this in +the book, but on balance I don't really think it establishes a fair +case for existence. The most interesting thing in it is a detailed +account of the canteen systems at the Renault and Citroën works near +Paris. + + * * * * * + +There is a great falling off in quality as between _The Pointing +Man_ and the anonymous authoress's latest effort, _The Man Who Tried +Everything_ (HUTCHINSON), a fact which may be partly accounted for +by the brief time elapsing between its appearance and that of its +immediate forerunner, _The Man from Trinidad_. Her new book is a war +spy story--an exacting form of fiction in any event--and deals with +German revolutionary machinations in the Orient. It fails because +it moves too rapidly and covers far too much ground. The writer has +neither the gift nor the general information necessary for this class +of adventurous fiction. Her genius lies in her power of reproducing +the atmosphere of crime and intrigue; but her Orient and her Orientals +seem to have lost their hold on the reader's imagination. And I +venture to remind her that it is fatal in this kind of story to +replace known facts by unnecessary fiction; for example, to speak, as +she does, of a German warship in the Indian Ocean as the _Blücher_, +when all the world knows that that particular vessel was elsewhere. +It will be easily understood that she gives us a hero who wins his +heart's desire, and numerous plotters of various nationalities who are +all safely foiled, the entire romance being conducted with a ladylike +absence of the bloodshed that usually accompanies this class of +fiction. That is its best recommendation. + + * * * * * + +The fact that _The Pearl_ (BLACKWELL) is described in its sub-title as +"A Story of School and Oxford Life," may perhaps somewhat mislead you. +Let me therefore hasten to explain that the school is for girls, and +the Oxford life is that enjoyed by wearers of whatever may be the +modern substitute for skirts. Not too immediately modern indeed, as +the events fall within the period of the South African war, a fact +that will, of course, much increase their appeal for those whose +Oxford memories belong to the same epoch. But it is naturally a book +difficult for the male reviewer to appraise with exactitude. All I +can say, being unconversant with the domestic politics of a ladies' +college, is that I should imagine Miss WINIFRED TAYLOR to have given a +remarkably true picture of existence therein; its mixture of academic +ambition, sentiment, religious fervour and party spirit seems (as was +to be expected) pretty much as we knew it in the masculine camp. The +chief point of difference appears to be that Miss TAYLOR'S heroine, +_Janet_, and her friends (all pleasantly individual) are naturally +thrown a good deal more upon themselves than is the case with their +more fortunate brothers. I have no doubt of the book's success. +Girl-graduates, past, present and to come, will of course buy it; +while in that other Oxford, now so happily re-awakening, I can fancy +it being read with all the curiosity that naturally attaches to +revelations of the unknown land. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Urchin (contemptuously)_ "HUH! YER MOTHER TAKES IN +WASHIN'!" + +_Neighbour_. "WELL, YER DIDN'T S'POSE SHE'D LEAVE IT HANGIN' AHT +OVERNIGHT UNLESS YOUR FARVER WAS IN PRISON, DID YER?"] + + * * * * * + +From a report of the Cippenham inquiry:-- + + "Witness: 'Oh, I have a hide like a rhinorocerus.'"--_Evening + Paper_. + +This pachyderm is new to us. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, May 14, 1919, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12114 *** |