diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/12079.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/12079.txt | 2443 |
1 files changed, 2443 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/12079.txt b/old/12079.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..861332a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12079.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2443 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +May 7, 1919., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, May 7, 1919. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 19, 2004 [EBook #12079] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +May 7, 1919. + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +No enthusiasm attended the recent revival of the curious May Day +custom of dancing round the snow man. + + *** + +Since the Muzzling Order, says a weekly paper, fewer postmen in the +West End have been bitten by dogs. We are asked by the Dogs' Trade +Union to point out that this is not due to the Muzzling Order, but +to the fact that just at present there is a fine supply of dairy-fed +milkmen in that district. + + *** + +A negress has just died in South America, aged 136. It is supposed +that the exodus of so many of her descendants to London on account +of the great demand for Jazz-band players was largely responsible for +hastening her end. + + *** + +According to a local paper an American officer refused to stay at +a seaside hotel during Easter-time because a flea hopped on to the +visitors' book whilst he was in the act of signing it. We agree that +it is certainly rather alarming when these unwelcome intruders adopt +such methods of espionage in order to discover which room one is about +to occupy. + + *** + +The Society of Public Analysts declares that it is impossible to tell +what animal or what part of it is contained in a sausage. We gather +that it all depends on whether the beast is backed into the machine or +enticed into it with a sardine. + + *** + +The British people still feel themselves the victors, so Mr. RAMSAY +MACDONALD told the _Vossische Zeitung_. Not Mr. MACDONALD'S fault, of +course. + + *** + +London butchers have protested against being compelled to sell +Chilian, Brazilian, Manchurian _and other_ beef. A simple way to +distinguish "other beef" from Manchurian beef is to offer it to the +cat. If it eats it, it is neither. + + *** + +The Board of Agriculture claims that since 1914 eleven thousand +persons have been taught to make cheese. It is admitted, however, that +as the result of inexperience the mortality among young cheeses has +been enormous. + + *** + +The Labour Party are submitting a Motion in the House of Commons +for the reduction of railway fares. An alternative suggestion that +passengers should be allowed to pay the extra shilling or two and buy +the train outright will probably be put forward. + + *** + +The sum of L15,650 has just been paid for the lease of a West End +flat, says a contemporary. If this includes use of the bath, it seems +a bit of a bargain. + + *** + +We gather from an American newspaper that shooting for the new Mexican +Presidency has commenced. + + *** + +An East End fishmonger is reported to have sold fish at one penny a +pound. The controlled price being much higher, several trade rivals +have offered to bear the expense of a doctor for this man as they feel +that something may be pressing on his brain. + + *** + +A Berlin message indicates that the man who shot KURT EISNER has again +been assassinated by the Spartacists. This, of course, cannot be the +end of the business. The last and positively final execution of the +man still rests with the German Government. + + *** + +There has never been a case of rabies in Scotland, says _The Evening +News_. This speaks well for the bagpipes as a defensive weapon. + + *** + +According to a Boston message some Americans gave Admiral WOOD, U.S. +Navy, a very cool reception the other day. In shaking hands with him +they only broke seven small bones. + + *** + +We are pleased to be able to say that the recently demobilised +soldier who accidentally swallowed some "plum and apple" in a London +restaurant is well on the road to recovery. + + *** + +The number of hot-cross-bun specialists who, since Easter, have +been in receipt of unemployment pay has not yet been disclosed for +publication. + + *** + +A dog has returned to its home at Walsworth after being absent for two +months. It is feared that he has been leading a double life. + + *** + +"Throughout the country," says a well-known daily paper, "the +hedges and trees are now budding forth into green leaves." This, we +understand, is according to precedent. + + *** + +"Is your rent raised?" asks a contemporary. With difficulty, if he +_must_ know. + + *** + + +Newcastle Justices have extinguished eight licences for redundancy. +There is no reason for supposing that the offence was intentional. + + *** + +The report that the prehistoric flint axe recently found at Ascot had +been claimed by Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., is denied. Sir FREDERICK, +it appears, merely expressed warm approval of it. + + *** + +The Manchester Parks Committee is considering the question of opening +the Municipal Golf Links for Sunday play. It is contended that the +more anti-Sabbatarian features of the game could be eliminated by +allowing players to pick out of a bunker without penalty. + + *** + +Much advice has recently appeared in the Press regarding the treatment +of bites received from mad dogs, and in consequence there is a +movement on foot among Missionaries to obtain some information +regarding the best method of treating the bite of a cannibal. + + *** + + +A Chicago woman has been charged with attempting to shoot her husband +with a jewelled and gold-handled revolver. We are pleased to note that +the American authorities are determined to put down such ostentation. + + *** + +It has come to our ears that a certain Conscientious Objector now +feels so ashamed of his refusal to fight that he has practically +decided to take boxing lessons by post. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT'S THAT THING YOU'VE GOT ON, ALBERT?" + +"TRENCH COAT." + +"BUT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN THE TRENCHES." + +"I KNOW. THAT'S THE IDEA."] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. + +_(No answers required, thank you.)_ + +_To Count Brockdorff-Rantzau, Head of the German Peace Delegation._ + +The enthralling volume, entitled _Preliminary Terms of Peace_, on +which your attention is being engrossed at the present moment, is said +to be of the same length as _A Tale of Two Cities_. In other respects +there is little resemblance traceable between the two works. A more +striking likeness is to be found between the present volume and a +document produced (also in the neighbourhood of Paris) by the late +Prince BISMARCK in 1871. On your return home, if the fancy appeals +to you, you might, out of these two publications, construct a very +readable romance and call it _Two Tales of One City_. I think this +would be a better name for it than _Vice-Versailles._ + +_To Signor Orlando_. + +Apart from our love for Italy we are, of course, naturally +prejudiced in favour of a man who got his surname from one of our +own SHAKSPEARE'S heroes, and has consequently given us several easy +chances of making little _As-you-like-it_ jokes for the Press in our +simple unsophisticated way. All the same I think you were wrong in +dropping out of the Big Four like that. If every other Allied delegate +were to go off home whenever he couldn't get his own way, or whenever +he differed from President WILSON, there might be nobody left to meet +the German representatives or to sign any sort of Peace terms. The +enemy might even start a Big Four of their own and begin to talk. What +should we do then? We might have to send for Marshal FOCH. I'm not +sure that in any case this wouldn't be the best plan. + +But perhaps you will be back in Paris before this letter reaches you. +All roads lead to Rome, and there must be at least one that leads out +of it again. + +_To Ferdinand, Fox_. + +If news of the outside world ever reaches you in your earth, and you +read the discussions on the question whether your old friend WILLIAM +ought to be hanged, it can hardly have escaped Your Nosiness that +nothing is said about your own claim to similar treatment. Those who +never rightly appreciated you may imagine that you will meekly +consent to forgo that claim. But, if I know anything of your proud and +princely nature, you are, on the other hand, bitterly chagrined at the +thought that you have been forgotten so soon. + +_To a British "Sportsman_." + +I have often seen you of an afternoon in war-time hanging about in +groups along my workaday street, poring over what you regarded as the +vital news of the day. It was not a report of any battle in which your +brothers were fighting, and, if I had asked you breathlessly, "Who +won?" you would not have said, "The British"; you would have said, +"SOLLY JOEL'S colt." You had never seen the horse, but you had +half-a-dollar of your War-bonus on him, or more probably on one of +those who also ran. To-day there are no silly battles to take up +good space in your evening print; and, better still, there is no day +without its racing matter; no more curtailing of the King of Sports to +the lamentable detriment of our national horse-breeding, a subject so +close to your heart. The War is indeed well over. + +And nothing can be more gratifying to you than to note the rapid +progress of Reconstruction in the domain of the Turf. In other spheres +of activity there may be a million people drawing the unemployment +donation; but here there is immediate occupation for all. The New +Jerusalem has been built in a day. + +_To Peace_. + +You must not mind if, when you come at last, we treat you like an +anti-climax. You see, we let ourselves go, once for all, over the +Armistice, and, though there will be plenty of celebrations for you, +we shan't forget ourselves again. There will be bands, of course, +and bunting, and we shall read the directions in the papers, and +buy expensive tickets and get to our seats early. But we shall be +respectable and inarticulate this time, like the present exhibition at +the Royal Academy. Besides, we have no nice things to shout when the +pageants go by, like "_Vive la Victoire_!" or "_Viva la Pace!_" and +even if we had we should all wait for somebody else to start shouting +them. + +But you are not to be disappointed; we shall really be glad to welcome +you, though we do it in that strange way we have of taking everything +as it comes. + +I suppose you are bound to assist at your own celebrations, otherwise +I should recommend you to be content to read about them next +day--about the thundering cheers, the wild enthusiasm that swept like +a flame through the vast multitudes, and how "the red glare on Skiddaw +roused the Canon (RAWNSLEY) of Carlisle." + +_To a Multi-Millionaire._ + +It must be a great satisfaction to you to see how highly the +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER appreciates the loss which the country +will sustain by your eventual decease; and that he has proposed to +increase materially the amount to be raised out of your estate as +a national souvenir of your commercial activities. Indeed you may +reflect that, splendid and profitable as your life has been, nothing +in it will have become you so much as the leaving of it. With such a +thought in your mind the prospect of death should be robbed of a large +proportion of its sting. + +_To a New Knight (Scots)._ + +Out of the eight hundred million pounds' worth of Government material +left over from the War, of which two hundred million pounds' worth +is expected to be realised in the current year, you should have no +difficulty in securing a pair of knightly spurs at quite a reasonable +price. They ought to go well with a kilt. + +_To the Chairman of the "Societe des Bains de Mer de Monaco_." + +Few people can have been better pleased than you at the cessation of +hostilities. During all those terrible years the falling-off among the +patrons of your world-famous bathing-establishment must have been a +source of cruel grief to you. And now there are already myriads who +have washed away the stains of war in the pellucid waves that lap your +coast of azure. + +Here, too, at your hospitable Board of Green Cloth there is +forgetfulness of Armageddon save when the cry of "Zero" recalls to the +convalescent British warrior the fateful hour for going over the top. + +And to think of Monte Carlo without the guttural Hun and his raucous +"_Dass ist mein_" as he swoops upon his disputed spoils! An Eden with +the worm away! + +_A bientot_! + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + "PUBLIC SCHOOLS' HIGH JUMP CHALLENGE CUP.--E.C. Archer + (Merchant Taylors'), 5 ft. 4 in. (unfinished), 1."--_The + Times_. + +We are glad to have later advices which state that he has returned to +earth safely. + + * * * * * + + "Alabaster Lady's Evening Cigarette Case, lid and hinges set + with diamonds; left in taxi."--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +We trust the alabaster lady has by now regained her property and with +it her marmoreal calm. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IMPERIAL PREFERENCE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THEY 'ALSO RUN' WHO ONLY STAND AND WAIT."] + + * * * * * + +THE ARRIVAL OF BLACKMAN'S WARBLER. + +I am become an Authority on Birds. It happened in this way. + +The other day we heard the Cuckoo in Hampshire. (The next morning +the papers announced that the Cuckoo had been heard in +Devonshire--possibly a different one, but in no way superior to ours +except in the matter of its Press agent.) Well, everybody in the house +said, "Did you hear the Cuckoo?" to everybody else, until I began to +get rather tired of it; and, having told everybody several times that +I _had_ heard it, I tried to make the conversation more interesting. +So, after my tenth "Yes," I added quite casually:-- + +"But I haven't heard the Tufted Pipit yet. It's funny why it should be +so late this year." + +"Is that the same as the Tree Pipit?" said my hostess, who seemed to +know more about birds than I had hoped. + +"Oh, no," I said confidently. + +"What's the difference exactly?" + +"Well, one is tufted," I said, doing my best, "and the +other--er--climbs trees." + +"Oh, I see." + +"And of course the eggs are more speckled," I added, gradually +acquiring confidence. + +"I often wish I knew more about birds," she said regretfully. "You +must tell us something about them now we've got you here." + +And all this because of one miserable Cuckoo! + +"By all means," I said, wondering how long it would take to get a book +about birds down from London. + +However, it was easier than I thought. We had tea in the garden that +afternoon, and a bird of some kind struck up in the plane-tree. + +"There, now," said my hostess, "what's that?" + +I listened with my head on one side. The bird said it again. + +"That's the Lesser Bunting," I said hopefully. + +"The Lesser Bunting," said an earnest-looking girl; "I shall always +remember that." + +I hoped she wouldn't, but I could hardly say so. Fortunately the +bird lesser-bunted again, and I seized the opportunity of playing for +safety. + +"Or is it the Sardinian White-throat?" I wondered. "They have very +much the same note during the breeding season. But of course the eggs +are more speckled," I added casually. + +And so on for the rest of the evening. You see how easy it is. + +However the next afternoon a most unfortunate occurrence occurred. A +real Bird Authority came to tea. As soon as the information leaked out +I sent up a hasty prayer for bird-silence until we had got him safely +out of the place; but it was not granted. Our feathered songster in +the plane-tree broke into his little piece. + +"There," said my hostess--"there's that bird again." She turned to me. +"What did you say it was?" + +I hoped that the Authority would speak first, and that the others +would then accept my assurance that they had misunderstood me the day +before; but he was entangled at that moment in a watercress sandwich, +the loose ends of which were still waiting to be tucked away. + +I looked anxiously at the girl who had promised to remember, in case +she wanted to say something, but she also was silent. Everybody was +silent except that miserable bird. + +Well, I had to have another go at it. "Blackman's Warbler," I said +firmly. + +"Oh, yes," said my hostess. + +"Blackman's Warbler; I shall always remember that," lied the +earnest-looking girl. + +The Authority, who was free by this time, looked at me indignantly. + +"Nonsense," he said; "it's the Chiff-chaff." + +Everybody else looked at me reproachfully. I was about to say that +"Blackman's Warbler" was the local name for the Chiff-chaff in our part +of Flint, when the Authority spoke again. + +"The Chiff-chaff," he said to our hostess with an insufferable air of +knowledge. + +I wasn't going to stand that. + +"So _I_ thought when I heard it first," I said, giving him a gentle +smile. + +It was now the Authority's turn to get the reproachful looks. + +"Are they very much alike?" my hostess asked me, much impressed. + +"Very much. Blackman's Warbler is often mistaken for the Chiff-chaff, +even by so-called experts"--and I turned to the Authority and added, +"Have another sandwich, won't you?"--"and particularly so, of +course, during the breeding season. It is true that the eggs are more +speckled, but--" + +"Bless my soul," said the Authority, but it was easy to see that he +was shaken, "I should think I know a Chiff-chaff when I hear one." + +"Ah, but do you know a Blackman's Warbler? One doesn't often hear them +in this country. Now in Switzerland--" + +The bird said "Chiff-chaff" again with an almost indecent plainness of +speech. + +"There you are!" I said triumphantly. "Listen," and I held up a +finger. "You notice the difference? _Obviously_ a Blackman's Warbler." + +Everybody looked at the Authority. He was wondering how long it would +take to get a book about birds down from London, and deciding that +it couldn't be done that afternoon. Meanwhile "Blackman's Warbler" +sounded too much like the name of something to be repudiated. For all +he had caught of our mumbled introduction I might have been Blackman +myself. + +"Possibly you're right," he said reluctantly. + +Another bird said "Chiff-chaff" from another tree, and I thought it +wise to be generous. "There," I said, "now that _was_ a Chiff-chaff." + +The earnest-looking girl remarked (silly creature) that it sounded +just like the other one, but nobody took any notice of her. They were +all busy admiring me. + +Of course I mustn't meet the Authority again, because you may be +pretty sure that when he got back to his books he looked up Blackman's +Warbler and found that there was no such animal. But if you mix in the +right society and only see the wrong people once it is really quite +easy to be an authority on birds--or, I imagine, on anything else. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Woman_. "JAZZ STOCKINGS ARE THE LATEST THING, +DEAR. HERE'S A PICTURE OF A GIRL WITH THEM ON." + +_The Man_. "WHAT APPALLING ROT! ER--AFTER YOU WITH THE PAPER."] + + * * * * * + +"HONOURS." + +(_BY A CYNIC_.) + + A DUKEDOM, GRAND OR OTHERWISE, + NO LONGER IS AN ENVIED PRIZE + WHEN EVERY DAY SOME FIERCE COMMISSION + CLAMOURS FOR DUCAL INHIBITION. + THE STYLE OF MARQUESS--THUSWISE SPELT-- + IS PICTURESQUE, BUT, LIKE THE BELT + OF EARLDOM, CANNOT LONG ABIDE + OR STEM THE DEMOCRATIC TIDE. + VISCOUNTIES STAND TO CHEER AND BLESS + THE LABOURS OF THE PURPLE PRESS, + AND BARONIES, ONCE HELD BY ROBBERS, + ARE GIVEN TO PATRIOTIC JOBBERS. + UNCOMPROMISING MALEDICTION + RESTS ON THE BARONETS OF FICTION; + IN ACTUAL LIFE THEY SERVE TO LINK + A PARTY WITH THE STREET OF INK; + WHILE KNIGHTHOOD'S LATEST HONOURS FALL + UPON THE FUNNIEST MEN OF ALL. + YES, WHILE OUR GRATITUDE ACCLAIMS + THE JUSTLY DECORATED NAMES + OF PEERS LIKE TENNYSON AND LISTER, + THERE IS MUCH VIRTUE IN PLAIN MISTER. + THE STYLE AND TITLE DEEMED MOST FIT + BY DARWIN, HUXLEY, BURKE AND PITT, + AND LATER ON BY A.J.B., + ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. + + * * * * * + +[ILLUSTRATION ECHO OF "SHOW SUNDAY." + +_VISITOR_. "WHAT'S THIS FELLOW DOIN' IN THE CORNER?" + +_ARTIST_. "OH, HE'S THERE JUST TO HELP THE COMPOSITION." + +_VISITOR_. "AWFULLY DECENT OF HIM--WHAT!"] + + +THE DOMESTIC QUESTION SOLVED. + +LAST THURSDAY, AT A REGISTRY-OFFICE, I OBTAINED THE FAVOUR OF AN +INTERVIEW WITH A DOMESTIC ARTIST AND WAS ABLE (BY REASON OF A PREVIOUS +CONFERENCE WITH MY FRIEND FRESHFIELD--LIKE MYSELF A DEMOBILISED +BACHELOR AUTHOR) TO FACE THE ORDEAL WITH SOME DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE. + +MRS. MILTON, WIDOW, FIFTY-FIVE, EXCEPTIONAL REFERENCES, WHO PROPOSED, +IF EVERYTHING ABOUT ME SEEMED SATISFACTORY, TO RULE MY HOUSEHOLD, +WAS AS SUAVE AS ONE HAS ANY RIGHT TO EXPECT NOWADAYS; BUT WHEN SHE +DICTATED THE TERMS I GATHERED THAT SHE WOULD BE SUFFICIENTLY DANGEROUS +IF ROUSED. + +SHE KNEW WHAT BACHELORS WERE, SHE DID, AND WASN'T GOING TO TAKE A +PLACE WHERE A LOT OF COMP'NY WAS KEPT. + +I ASSURED HER ON THIS POINT. MY FRIEND, MR. FRESHFIELD, I SAID, WOULD +COME ONCE A WEEK, EVERY MONDAY, TO DINE AND SLEEP, BUT BEYOND THAT I +SHOULD PUT NO STRAIN UPON HER POWERS OF ENTERTAINMENT. + +MRS. MILTON FURTHER SAID THAT SHE WOULD REQUIRE AT LEAST TWO +AFTERNOONS AND ONE EVENING A WEEK. HERE WAS MY OPPORTUNITY TO APPEAR +GENEROUS. + +"TWO AFTERNOONS AND ONE EVENING?" I SAID. "MY DEAR FRIEND AND +FELLOW-WORKER, YOU CAN HAVE EVERY WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY FROM AFTER +BREAKFAST ON THE FORMER TO PRACTICALLY DINNER-TIME (EIGHT O'CLOCK) +ON THE LATTER. NO QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED OF YOU OR OF THE PIANO OR +GRAMOPHONE, BOTH OF WHICH INSTRUMENTS YOU WILL FIND IN SMOOTH RUNNING +ORDER. I AM AWAY," I ADDED, "EVERY WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY." + +THAT CLINCHED IT. HIDING HER SURPRISE AS WELL AS SHE COULD UNDER AN +IRREPROACHABLE BONNET AND TOUPEE, MRS. MILTON EXPRESSED HER READINESS +TO ACCOMPANY ME THEN AND THERE, AND TO SUPERINTEND THE DISAPPEARANCE +OF MY COALS AND MARMALADE. + +PERHAPS YOU HAVE GUESSED THAT I PROPOSE TO SPEND EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT +AT FRESHFIELD'S PLACE, AND THAT THE COMPLETE SUCCESS OF THE SCHEME HAS +BEEN ASSURED BY THE MAKING OF A SIMILAR AGREEMENT BETWEEN FRESHFIELD +AND A PERSON HOLDING CORRESPONDING VIEWS TO THOSE OF MRS. MILTON. + +THUS FRESHFIELD AND I HAVE EACH SECURED THE FULL SEVEN DAYS' +ATTENDANCE BY A DEVICE PLEASING TO ALL CONCERNED. AFTER LOCKING UP +THE MELBA AND GEORGE ROBEY RECORDS ON WEDNESDAY MORNINGS AND WITH +THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THE PIANO IS PAST SERIOUS INJURY, I DEPART FOR +FRESHFIELD'S (_VIA_ THE CLUB FOR LUNCH) EACH WEEK WITH A LIGHT HEART. + +MY COLLABORATOR IS ALL FOR KEEPING THIS SOLUTION OF A HARASSING +PROBLEM TO OURSELVES. I SAY "NO." THE GENERAL ADOPTION OF SUCH A +SCHEME, WITH ALTERATIONS TO SUIT INDIVIDUAL CASES, WOULD, I THINK, BE +A NAIL IN THE COFFIN OF BOLSHEVISM IN THE HOME. + + * * * * * + + MR. WILSON RUBS IT IN. + + "THE _ECHO DE PARIS_ SAYS, 'MR. WILSON BELIEVES HE CAN PLAY + THE ROLE OF THE POPES OF THE MIDDLE AGES. IN THE ECLAT OF + HIS PUBLIC MESSAGES HE TRIES TO SET PEOPLES AGAINST + GOVERNMENTS.'"--_SCOTS PAPER_. + + * * * * * + + "GENERAL MONASH MAKING AN IMPOSING FIGURE ON HIS GREY + HORSE, WHERE HE RODE WITH GENERAL HOBBS AND THREE + BRIGADIERS."--_TIMES_. + +THE R.S.P.C.A. MUST LOOK INTO THIS. + + * * * * * + + "GOLF BATTLE OF THE SEXES. + + THE LATEST JACK JOHNSON STORY IS THAT HE IS TRAINING IN MEXICO + CITY FOR A SERIES OF FIGHTS, WHICH WILL TAKE PLACE IN THE + BULL-RING. + + LADIES: MISS CECIL LEITCH, MISS CHUBB, MISS BARRY, MRS. + MCNAIR, MRS. JILLARD, MRS. F.W. BROWN, MISS JONES PARKER AND + MRS. WILLOCK POLLEN."--_DAILY SKETCH_. + +WE ARE RATHER SORRY FOR MASSA JOHNSON. + + * * * * * + +[ILLUSTRATION: _BORED CADET (IN WESTMINSTER ABBEY)._ "LET'S SHOVE OFF +NOW, MATER. HATE HANGIN' ROUND A PLACE WHERE ONE MIGHT BE BURIED SOME +DAY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE CHURCH AND PEACE. + +The acquiescence of the Coventry Peace Celebration Committee in the +Bishop of COVENTRY'S view that the Lady GODIVA of their pageant +should be fully clothed is leading not only to many innovations in +the representations of history all over the country, but to a +recrudescence of ecclesiastical power which is affording the liveliest +satisfaction to Lord HUGH CECIL. + +For already several other divines have followed suit. It is agreeable, +for example, to the very reasonable wishes of the DEAN and Chapter +of Westminster that the Westminster Peace Celebration Committee have +decided that NELL GWYNN shall either be excluded from the Whitehall +procession altogether or shall figure as a Mildmay deaconess. + +Acting under the influence of a local curate, the Athelney Peace +Celebration Committee have unanimously resolved that in these hard +times, when (as the curate pointed out) food is not too plentiful, it +would be better if KING ALFRED cooked the cakes properly and they were +afterwards distributed. + +So many watering-places claim CANUTE as their own that he may be +expected to be multiplied exceedingly in the approaching Peace revels; +but from more than one Pastoral Letter it may be gathered that the +Episcopal Bench is very wisely in favour of the King's retirement from +the margin of the ocean before his shoes are actually wet. It is held +that in these days of leather-shortage and the need for economy no +risks should be run with footwear. + +Other laudable efforts in the direction of economy are to be made, +again through the earnest solicitude of the Establishment, in +connection with the impersonation of Sir WALTER RALEIGH and KING JOHN. +With the purpose of saving Sir WALTER'S cloak from stain and possible +injury the puddle at QUEEN ELIZABETH'S feet will be only a painted +one, while, owing to the exorbitant price of laundry-work at the +moment, it has been arranged that only a few of KING JOHN'S more +negligible articles shall be consigned to the Wash. + + * * * * * + + HUN DUPLICITY IN PARIS. + + "Count von Brockdorff-Rantzau replied simply, pointing to + Herr Dandsbery and saying: 'I present to you Herr + Landsberg.'"--_The Star_. + + * * * * * + +HOME FATIGUES. + + How oft I tried by smart intrigue + To do the British Army, + And dodge each rightly-termed Fatigue + Which nearly drove me barmy. + In vain! Whoever else they missed + My name was always on the list. + + And so, while other minds were set + On smashing Jerry Bosch up + With rifle, bomb and bayonet, + I chiefly learned to wash-up, + To peel potatoes by the score, + Sweep out a room and scrub the floor. + + Thus, now that I have left the ranks, + The plain unvarnished fact is + That through those three rough years, and thanks + To very frequent practice, + I, who was once a nascent snob, + Am master of the menial's job. + + To-day I count this no disgrace + When "maids" have gone to blazes, + But take our late Eliza's place + And win my lady's praises, + As she declares in grateful mood + The Army did me worlds of good. + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +"So," said Albert Edward, "I clapped him on the back and said, 'You +were at Geelong College in 1910, and your name's Cazenove, isn't it?'" + +"To which he made reply, 'My name's Jones and I never heard of +Geewhizz,' and knocked you down and trod on you for your dashed +familiarity," said the Babe. + +"Nothing of the sort. He was delighted to meet me again--de-lighted. +He's coming to munch with us tomorrow evening, by the way, so you +might sport the tablecloth for once, William old dear, and tell the +cook to put it across Og, the fatted capon, and generally strive to +live down your reputation as the worst Mess President the world has +ever seen. You will, I know--for my sake." + +Next morning, when I came down to breakfast, I found a note from him +saying that he had gone to the Divisional Races with his dear old +college chum, Cazenove; also the following addenda:-- + +"P.S.--If William should miss a few francs from the Mess Fund tell him +I will return it fourfold ere night. I am on to a sure thing. + +"P.P.S.--If MacTavish should raise a howl about his fawn leggings, +tell him I have borrowed them for the day as I understand there will +be V.A.D.'s present, and _noblesse oblige_." + +At a quarter past eight that night he returned, accompanied by a +pleasant-looking gunner subaltern, whom we gathered to be the Cazenove +person. I say "gathered," for Albert Edward did not trouble to +introduce the friend of his youth, but, flinging himself into a chair, +attacked his food in a sulky silence which endured all through the +repast. Mr. Cazenove, on the other hand, was in excellent form. He had +spent a beautiful day, he said, and didn't care who knew it. A judge +of horseflesh from the cradle, he had spotted the winner every time, +backed his fancy like a little man and had been very generously +rewarded by the Totalizator. He was contemplating a trip to Brussels +in a day or so. Was his dear old friend Albert Edward coming? + +His "dear old friend" (who was eating his thumb-nails instead of his +savoury) scowled and said he thought not. + +The gunner wagged his head sagely. "Ah, well, old chap, if you +will bet on horses which roar like a den of lions you must take the +consequences." + +Albert Edward writhed. "That animal used to win sprints in England; do +you know that?" + +Mr. Cazenove shrugged his shoulders. + +"He may have thirty years ago. All I'd back him to win now would be an +old-age pension. Well, I warned you, didn't I?" + +Albert Edward lost control. "When I'm reduced to taking advice on +racing form from a Tasmanian I'll chuck the game and hie me to a +monkery. Why, look at that bit of bric-a-brac you were riding to-day; +a decent God-fearing Australian wouldn't be seen dead in a ten-acre +paddock with it." + +Mr. Cazenove spluttered even more furiously. "That's a dashed good +horse I'll have you know." + +"I am not alluding to his morals, but to his appearance," said Albert +Edward; "I've seen better-looking hat-racks." + +"I'd back him to lick the stuffing out of anything you've got in this +unit, anyway," Cazenove snorted. + +"Don't be rash, Charlie," Albert Edward warned; "your lucky afternoon +has gone to your head. Why, I've got an old mule here could give that +boneshaker two stone and beat him by a furlong in five." + +The gunner sprang to his feet. "Done with you!" he roared. "Done with +you here and now!" + +Albert Edward appeared to be somewhat taken back. "Don't be silly, +man," he soothed. "It's pitch dark outside and cut up with trenches. +Sit down and have some more of this rare old port, specially concocted +for us by the E.F.C." + +But Mr. Cazenove was thoroughly aroused. "You're hedging," he sneered; +"you're scared." + +"Nonsense," said Albert Edward. "I have never known what fear is--not +since the Armistice, anyhow. I am one of the bravest men I have ever +met. What are you doing with all that money?" + +"Putting it down for you to cover," said Cazenove firmly. + +Albert Edward sighed. "All right, then, if you will have it so. +William, old bean, I'm afraid I shall have to trouble you for a trifle +more out of the Mess Fund. _Noblesse oblige_, you know." + +MacTavish and the Babe departed with the quest to prepare his mount +for the ordeal, while Albert Edward and I sought out Ferdinand and +Isabella, our water-cart pair. Isabella was fast asleep, curled +up like a cat and purring pleasantly, but Ferdinand was awake, +meditatively gnawing through the wood-work of his stall. With the +assistance of the line-guard we saddled and bridled him; but at the +stable door he dug his toes in. It was long past his racing hours, he +gave us to understand, and his union wouldn't permit it. He backed +all round the standings, treading on recumbent horses, tripping +over bails, knocking uprights flat and bringing acres of tin roofing +clattering down upon our heads, Isabella encouraging him with ringing +fanfares of applause. + +At length we roused out the grooms and practically carried him to the +starting-point. + +"You've been the devil of a time," William grumbled. "Cazenove's been +waiting for twenty minutes. See that light over there? That's where +MacTavish is. He's the winning-post. Keep straight down the mud-track +towards it and you'll be all right. Don't swing sideways or you'll get +bunkered. Form line. Come up the mule. Back, Cazenove, back! Steady. +Go!" + +The rivals clapped heels to their steeds and were swallowed up in +the night. I looked at my watch, the hands pointed to 10.30 exactly. +William and I lit cigarettes and waited. At 10.42 MacTavish walked +into us, his lamp had given out and he wanted a new battery. + +"Who won?" we inquired. + +"Won?" he asked. "They haven't started yet, have they?" + +"Left here about ten minutes ago," said William. "Do you mean to say +you've seen nothing of them?" + +At that moment two loud voices, accompanied by the splash of liquid +and the crash of tin, struck our ears from different points of the +compass. + +"Sounds to me as if somebody had found a watery grave over to the +left," said the Babe. + +"Sounds to me as if somebody had returned to stables over to the +right," said I. + +We trotted away to investigate. 'Twas as I thought; Ferdinand had +homed to his Isabella and was backing round the standings once more, +trailing the infuriated Albert Edward after him, sheets of corrugated +iron falling about them like leaves in Vallombrosa. + +"Bolted straight in here and scraped me off against the roof," panted +the latter. "Suppose the confounded apple-fancier won ages ago, didn't +he?" + +"He's upside down in the Tuning Fork trench system at the present +moment," said I. "The Babe and the grooms are digging him out. If you +hurry up you'll win yet." + +We roused out the guard, bore the reluctant Ferdinand back to the +course and by eleven o'clock had restarted him. At 11.10 William +returned to report that the digging party had salved the Cazenove pair +and got them going again. + +"Too late," said I; "Albert Edward must have won in a walk by now. He +left here at..." + +The resounding clatter of falling sheet-iron cut short my words. +Ferdinand had, it appeared, returned to stables once more. + +Suddenly something hurtled out of the gloom and crashed into us. It +was the Babe. + +"What's the matter now? Where are you going?" we asked. + +"Wire-cutters, quick!" he gasped and hurtled onwards towards the +saddle-room. + +"Hello there!" came the hail of MacTavish from up the course. "I +s-say, what about this blessed race? I'm f-f-rozen s-s-tiff out here. +I'm about f-f-fed up, I t-tell you." + +William groaned. "As if we all weren't!" he protested. "If all the +Mess Funds for the next three weeks weren't involved I'd make the +silly fools chuck it. Here, you, run and tell Albert Edward to get a +move on." + +I found Ferdinand rapidly levelling the remainder of the standings, +playing his jockey at the end of his reins as a fisherman plays a +salmon. + +"This cursed donkey won't steer at all," Albert Edward growled. +"Sideslips all over the place like a wet tyre. Has Cazenove won yet?" + +"Not yet," said I. "He's wound up in the Switch Line wire +entanglements now. The Babe and the wrecking gang are busy chopping +him out. There's still time." + +"Then drag Isabella out in front of this brute," said he. "Quick, man, +quick!" + +At 11.43, by means of a brimming nose-bag, I had enticed Isabella +forth, and the procession started in the following order: First, +myself, dragging Isabella and dangling the bait. Secondly, Isabella. +Thirdly, the racers, Ferdinand and Albert Edward, the latter +belting Isabella with a surcingle whenever she faltered. Lastly, the +line-guard, speeding Ferdinand with a doubled stirrup-leather. We +toiled down the mud. track at an average velocity of .25 m.p.h., +halting occasionally for Isabella to feed and the line-guard to rest +his arm. I have seen faster things in my day. + +Then, just as we were arriving at our journey's end we collided +with another procession. It was the wrecking gang, laden with the +implements of their trade (shovels, picks, wire-cutters, ropes, +planks, waggon-jacks, etc.), and escorting in their midst Mr. Cazenove +and his battered racehorse. Both competitors immediately claimed the +victory:-- + +"Beaten you this time, Albert Edward, old man."... "On the contrary, +Charles, old chap, I won hands down."... "But, my good fellow, I've +been here for hours."... "My dear old thing, I've been here _all +night_!"... "Do be reasonable."... "Don't be absurd." + +"Oh, dry up, you two, and leave it to the winning-post to decide," +said William. + +"By the way, where is the winning-post?" + +"The winning-post," we echoed. "Yes, where is he?" + +"Begging your pardon, Sir," came the voice of the Mess orderly, +"but if you was referring to Mister MacTavish he went home to bed +half-an-hour ago." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Potential President of the Royal Academy._ "AND HERE, +AUNTIE, WE GET THE SIDE ELEVATION." + +_Auntie._ "HOW DELIGHTFULLY THOROUGH! I'D NO IDEA THAT ARCHITECTS DID +THE SIDES AS WELL."] + + * * * * * + + ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "A sub-department of Scotland Yard ... which looks after Kings + and visiting potentates, Cabinet Ministers and Suffragettes, + spies, anarchists, and other 'undesirables.'"--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The custodian smothered the ball, and after a Ruby scrimmage + the City goal escaped."--_Provincial Paper._ +A much prettier word than the other. + + * * * * * + + "Teacher (juniors); L1 monthly."--_Advt. in Liverpool Paper._ + +Who says there are no prizes in the teaching profession? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR ARTIST GIVES HIS MODEL AN IDEA OF THE GRACE AND +BEAUTY OF THE POSE HE REQUIRES OF HER.] + + REVANCHE. + + When I had seen ten thousand pass me by + And waved my arms and wearied of hallooing, + "Ho, taxi-meter! Taxi-meter, hi!" + And they hied on and there was nothing doing; + When I was sick of counting dud by dud + Bearing I know not whom--or coarse carousers, + Or damsels fairer than the moss-rose bud-- + And still more sick at having bits of mud + Daubed on my new dress-trousers; + + I went to dinner by the Underground + And every time the carriage stopped or started + Clung to my neighbour very tightly round + The neck till at Sloane Square his collar parted. + I saw my hostess glancing at my socks, + Surprised perhaps at so much clay's adherence + And, still unnerved by those infernal shocks, + Said, "I was working in my window-box; + Excuse my soiled appearance." + + But in the morn I found a silent square + And one tall house with all the windows shuttered, + The mansion of the Marquis of Mayfair, + And "Here shall be the counter-stroke," I muttered; + "Shall not the noble Marquis and his kin + Make feast to-night in his superb refectory, + And then go on to see 'The Purple Sin'? + They shall." I sought a taxi-garage in + The Telephone Directory. + + "Ho, there!" I cried within the wooden hutch; + "Hammersmith House--a most absurd dilemma-- + His lordship's motor-cars have strained a clutch, + And taxis are required at 8 pip emma + (Six of your finest and most up-to-date, + With no false starts and no foul petrol leaking), + To bear a certain party of the great + To the Melpomene at ten past eight. + Thompson, the butler, speaking." + + They came. And I at the appointed hour + Watched them arrive before the muted dwelling + And heard some speeches full of pith and power + And saw them turn and go with anger swelling; + Save only one who, spite his rude dismay, + Like a whipped Hun, made traffic of his sorrow + And shouted, "Taxi, Sir?" I answered "Nay, + I do not need you, jarvey, but I may + Be disengaged to-morrow." + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + THE PUNISHMENT OF GREED. + + "Large quantity of new Block Chocolate offered cheap; cause + ill-health."--_Manchester Evening News._ + + * * * * * + + "Miss M. Albanesi, daughter of the well-known singer, Mme. + Albanesi."--_Daily Paper._ + +Not to be confused with Mme. ALBANI, the popular novelist. + + * * * * * + + "The Portuguese retreated a step. His head flew to his + hip-pocket. But he was a fraction of a second too late."--_The + Scout._ + +Many a slip 'twixt the head and the hip. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GHOSTS AT VERSAILLES.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, April 29th._--When the House of Commons re-assembled this +afternoon a good many gaps were noticeable on the green benches. They +were not due, however, to the New Year's Honours, which made a belated +appearance this morning, for not a single Member of Parliament has +been ennobled. The notion that not one of the seven hundred is worthy +of elevation is, of course, unthinkable. But by-elections are so +chancy. + +Mr. JEREMIAH MACVEAGH still has some difficulty in realising that the +Irish centre of gravity has shifted from Westminster to Dublin. He +indignantly refused to accept an answer to one of his questions from +little Mr. PRATT, and loudly demanded the corporeal presence of the +CHIEF SECRETARY. Mr. MACPHERSON, however, considers that his duty +requires him to remain in Ireland, where Mr. MACVEAGH'S seventy Sinn +Fein colleagues are keeping him sufficiently busy. + +In explaining the swollen estimates of the Ministry of Labour, Sir +ROBERT HORNE pointed out that it is now charged with the functions +formerly appertaining to half-a-dozen other Departments. He has indeed +become a sort of administrative _Pooh-Bah_. Unlike that functionary, +however, he was not "born sneering." On the contrary, he made a most +sympathetic speech, chiefly devoted to justifying the much-abused +unemployment donation, which accounts for twenty-five out of the +thirty-eight millions to be spent by his Department this year. But let +no one mistake him for a mere HORNE of Plenty, pouring out benefits +indiscriminately upon the genuine unemployed and the work-shy. He has +already deprived some seventeen thousand potential domestics of their +unearned increment, and he promises ruthless prosecution of all who +try to cheat the State in future. + +Criticism was largely silenced by the Minister's frankness. Sir F. +BANBURY, of course, was dead against the whole policy, and +demanded the immediate withdrawal of the civilian grants; but his +uncompromising attitude found little favour. Mr. CLYNES thought it +would have been better for the State to furnish work instead of doles, +but did not explain how in that case private enterprise was to get +going. France's experience with the _ateliers nationaux_ is not +encouraging, though 1919, when "demobbed" subalterns turn up their +noses at L250 a year, is not 1848. + +_Wednesday, April 30th._--Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN, returning to the +Exchequer after an interval of thirteen years, made a much better +Budget speech than one would have expected. It was longer, perhaps, +than was absolutely necessary. Like the late Mr. GLADSTONE, he has a +tendency to digress into financial backwaters instead of sticking to +the main Pactolian stream. His excursus upon the impracticability of +a levy on capital was really redundant, though it pleased the +millionaires and reconciled them to the screwing-up of the +death-duties. Still, on the whole, he had a more flattering tale to +unfold than most of us had ventured to anticipate, and he told it +well, in spite of an occasional confusion in his figures. After all, +it must be hard for a Chancellor who left the national expenditure +at a hundred and fifty millions and comes back to find it multiplied +tenfold not to mistake millions for thousands now and again. + +[Illustration: _Budget Victims._ "YOU MAY HAVE WON THE WAR, BUT WE'VE +GOT TO PAY FOR IT."] + +On the whole the Committee was well pleased with his performance, +partly because the gap between revenue and expenditure turned out to +be a mere trifle of two hundred millions instead of twice or thrice +that amount; partly because there was, for once, no increase in the +income-tax; but chiefly, I think, for the sentimental reason that in +recommending a tiny preference for the produce of the Dominions and +Dependencies Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was happily combining imperial interests +with filial affection. + +Almost casually the CHANCELLOR announced that the Land Values Duties, +the outstanding feature of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S famous Budget of 1909, +were, with the approval of their author, to be referred to a Select +Committee, to see if anything could be made of them. If only Mr. +ASQUITH had thought of that device when his brilliant young lieutenant +first propounded them! There would have been no quarrel between the +two Houses: the Parliament Act would never have been passed, and a +Home Rule Act, for which nobody in Ireland has a good word, would not +now be reposing on the Statute-Book. + +In the absence of any EX-CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER the task of +criticism was left to Mr. ADAMSON, who was mildly aggressive and +showed a hankering after a levy on capital, not altogether easy to +reconcile with his statement that no responsible Member of the Labour +Party desired to repudiate the National Debt. Mr. JESSON, a National +Democrat, was more original and stimulating. As a representative of +the Musicians' Union he is all for harmony, and foresees the time +when Capital and Labour shall unite their forces in one great national +orchestra, under the directing baton of the State. + +At the instance of Lord STRACHIE the House of Lords conducted a +spirited little debate on the price of milk. It appears that there +is a conflict of jurisdiction between the FOOD-CONTROLLER and the +MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE, and that the shortage in the supply of this +commodity must be ascribed to the overlapping of the Departments. + +_Thursday, May 1st._--Sinn Fein has decreed that nobody in Ireland +should do any work on May Day. Messrs. DEVLIN and MACVEAGH, however, +being out of the jurisdiction, demonstrated their independence by +being busier than ever. The appointment of a new Press Censor in +Ireland furnished them with many opportunities at Question-time for +the display of their wit, which some of the new Members seemed to find +passably amusing. + +Mr. DEVLIN'S best joke was, however, reserved for the Budget debate, +when, in denouncing the further burdens laid on stout and whisky, he +declared that Ireland was, "apart from political trouble," the most +peaceful country in the world. + +The fiscal question always seems to invite exaggeration of statement. +The CHANCELLOR'S not very tremendous Preference proposals were +denounced by Sir DONALD MACLEAN as inevitably leading to the taxation +of food and to quarrels with foreign countries. Colonel AMERY, on the +other hand, waxed dithyrambic in their praise, and declared that +by taking twopence off Colonial tea the Government were not only +consecrating the policy of Imperial Preference, but were "putting the +coping-stone on it." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The Minister of Labour (anxious to find work for the +ex-munitionette drawing unemployment pay). "HERE, MODOM, IS A CHARMING +MODEL WHICH WOULD SUIT YOU, IF I MAY SO PUT IT, DOWN TO THE GROUND."] + + * * * * * + +A CELTIC COUNTER-BLAST. + +The continued domination of the Russians in the domain of the ballet +has already excited a certain amount of not unfriendly criticism. But +our Muscovite visitors are not to be allowed to have it all their own +way, and we understand that negotiations are already on foot with a +view to enabling the Irish Ballet to give a season at a leading London +theatre in the near future. + +The Irish Ballet, which is organised on a strictly self-determining +basis, is one of the outcomes of the Irish Theatre, but derives in its +essentials directly from the school established by Cormac, son of Art. +That is to say it is in its aims, ideals and methods permeated by the +Dalecarlian, Fomorian, Brythonic and Firbolgian impulse. Mr. Fergal +Dindsenchus O'Corkery, the Director, is a direct descendant of +Cuchulinn and only uses the Ulidian, dialect. Mr. Tordelbach +O'Lochlainn, who has composed most of the ballets in the repertoire, +is a chieftain of mingled Dalcassian and Gallgoidel descent. The +scenery has been painted by Mr. Cathal Eochaid. MacCathamhoil, and the +dresses designed by Mr. Domnall Fothud O'Conchobar. + +The artists who compose the troupe have all been trained during +the War at the Ballybunnion School in North Kerry, and combine in a +wonderful way the sobriety of the Delsartean method with the feline +agility of that of Kilkenny. Headed by the bewitching Gormflaith +Rathbressil, and including such brilliant artists as Maeve Errigal, +Coomhoola Grits, Ethne O'Conarchy, Brigit Brandub, Corcu and Mocu, +Diarmid Hy Brasil, Murtagh MacMurchada, Aillil Molt, Mag Mell and +Donnchad Bodb, they form a galaxy of talent which, alike for the +euphony of its nomenclature and the elasticity of its technique, has +never been equalled since the days of ST. VITUS. + +We have spoken of the work of Mr. O'Lochlainn, who is responsible for +the three-act ballet, _Brian Boruma_; a fantasy on the Brehon laws, +entitled _The Gardens of Goll; Poulaphuca_, and the _Roaring of +O'Rafferty;_ but the repertory also includes notable and impassioned +compositions by Ossian MacGillycuddy, Aghla Malachy, Carolan MacFirbis +and Emer Sidh. The orchestra employed differs in many respects from +that to which we are accustomed, the wood-wind being strengthened by +a quartet of Firbolg flutes and two Fodlaphones, while the brass is +reinforced by a bass bosthoon, an instrument of extraordinary depth +and sonority, and the percussion by a group of Dingle drums. + +But enough has been said to show that the Irish ballet is assured in +advance of a cordial reception from all admirers of the neo-Celtic +genius. + + * * * * * + + "A Bill has been introduced in Florida providing that 'from + and after equal suffrage has been established in Florida + it shall be lawful for females to don and wear the wearing + apparel of man as now worn publicly by him.'"--_Western + Morning News_. + +Happily they cannot take the breeks off a Highlander. + + * * * * * + +COLLABORATION. + +Biddick has placed me in a most awkward position. I am a proud man; I +cannot bring myself to accept a gift of money from anybody. And yet I +cannot help feeling I should be justified in taking the guinea he has +sent me. + +Biddick is a journalist. I was discussing the inflation of prices and +asking his advice as to how to increase one's income. "Why not write +something for the Press, my dear fellow?" he said. "Five hundred words +with a catchy title; nothing funny--that's _my_ line--but something +solid and practical with money in it; the public's always ready for +that. Take your neighbour, old Diggles, and his mushroom-beds, for +instance. Thriving local industry--capital copy. Try your hand at half +a column, and call it 'A Fortune in Fungus.'" + +"I 'm afraid I know nothing about mushrooms, with the exception of the +one I nearly died of," I replied, "and I'm not sufficiently acquainted +with Mr. Diggles to venture to invite his confidence respecting his +business." + +"My dear man, I don't ask you to tell Diggles you're going to write +him up in the newspapers; he'd kick you off the premises; he doesn't +want his secrets given away to competitors. Just dodge the old man +round the sheds, get into conversation with his staff, keep your +eyes open generally and you'll pick up as much as you want for half a +column. And when you've got your notes together bring 'em along to me. +I'll put 'em shipshape for you." + +I thanked him very gratefully. + +The mushroom-sheds are situated in a field some distance from my +residence, and I found it rather a fatiguing walk. After tedious +watching in a cramped position through a gap in the hedge I saw Mr. +Diggles emerge from a shed and move away from my direction. I lost +no time in creeping forward under cover of my umbrella towards an +employee, who was engaged in tossing manure. I drew out my note-book +and interrogated him briefly and briskly. + +"Do you rear from seeds or from cuttings?" I asked him. He scratched +his head and appeared in doubt. "Are your plants self-supporting," I +went on, "or do you train them on twigs? What would be the diameter +of your finest specimen?" He continued in doubt. I adopted a +conversational manner. "I suppose you'll be potting off soon? You +must get very fond of your mushrooms. I think one always gets fond of +anything which demands one's whole care and attention. I wonder if I +might have a peep at your _proteges_?" + +I edged towards the door of one of the sheds, but he made no attempt +to accompany me. Instead he put his hands to his mouth and shouted, +"Hi, maister!" + +Mr. Diggles promptly responded to the summons. There was no eluding +him. I put my note-book out of sight and inquired if he could oblige +me with a pound of fresh-culled mushrooms. He could, and he did. I +paid him four-and-sixpence for them, the control price presumably, +but he gave me no invitation to view the growing crops. I retraced +my steps without having collected even an opening paragraph for "A +Fortune in Fungus." + +The next day found me again near the sheds. Mr. Diggles was nowhere +in sight. I approached unobtrusively through the hedge and accosted a +small boy. + +"Hulloa, my little man," I said, "what is your department in this +hive of industry? You weed the mushrooms, perhaps, or prune them?" He +seemed shy and offered no answer. "Perhaps you hoe between the plants +or syringe them with insecticide?" + +Still I could not win his confidence, so I tried pressing sixpence +into his palm. "Between ourselves, what are the weekly takings?" I +said. He pocketed the coin and put his finger on his lips. + +"_Belge,"_ he said. Then he bolted into a shed and returned +accompanied by Mr. Diggles. There was nothing for it but to purchase +another pound of mushrooms. I was no nearer "A Fortune in Fungus" than +before. + +Two days later, having received apparently reliable information that +Mr. Diggles was confined to his bed with influenza, I ventured again +to visit the sheds. I was advancing boldly across the field when to +my consternation he suddenly appeared from behind a hayrick. I was +so startled that I turned to fly, and in my precipitancy tripped on a +tussock and fell. Mr. Diggles came to my assistance, and, when he had +helped me to my feet and brushed me down with a birch broom he was +carrying, I could do nothing less than buy another pound of his +mushrooms. + +I felt it was time to consult Biddick. He was sitting at his desk +staring at a blank sheet of paper. His fingers were harrowing his hair +and he looked distraught. + +"Excuse the interruption," I said, "but this 'Fortune in Fungus' is +ruining me;" and I related my experience. + +At the finish Biddick gripped my hand and spoke with some emotion. +"Dear old chap," he said, "it's my line, after all. It's funny. If +only I can do it justice;" and he shook his fountain-pen. + +This morning I received a guinea and a newspaper cutting entitled "A +Cadger for Copy," which may appeal to some people's sense of humour. +It makes none to mine. In the flap of the envelope Biddick writes: +"Halves, with best thanks." + +Upon consideration I shall forward him a simple formal receipt. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IT LOOKS QUITE LIKE PRE-WAR BACON." + +"ON THE CONTRARY, MADAM, PERMIT ME TO ASSURE YOU IT IS OUR FINEST +'POST-BELLUM STREAKY.'"] + + * * * * * + +From a bookseller's catalogue:-- + + "THE ART OF TATTING. + + This book is intended for the woman who has time to spare + for reading, Tatting being such quick and easy work that busy + fingers can do both at the same time." + +An edition in Braille would appear to be contemplated. + + * * * * * + +THE GERM. + +The great Bacteriologist entered the lecture-room and ascended the +platform. A murmur of astonishment ran round the audience as they +beheld, not the haggard face of a man who daily risked the possibility +of being awarded the O.B.E., but the calm and smiling countenance of +one who had succeeded where other scientists, even of Anglo-American +reputation, had failed. + +In an awed silence this remarkable man placed on the table a dish, +somewhat like a soup-plate in appearance, and carefully removed its +glass cover. + +"In this dish, gentlemen," said the Professor, "we have the Agar-Agar, +which is without doubt the best bacteriological culture medium yet +discovered and is especially useful in growing a pathogenic organism +such as we are about to test this afternoon." + +Then taking a glass rod, to the end of which was attached a small +piece of platinum wire, the lecturer proceeded to scrape a little +of the growth from off the Agar-Agar. Having done this he quickly +deposited it in a test-tube half full of distilled water, which +he then heated over a Bunsen burner. Finally, with the aid of a +hypodermic syringe, a little of the liquid was injected into two +sleepy-looking guinea-pigs, and with bated breath the result of the +test was awaited. + +Suddenly, without any warning, the two little animals rose on their +hind legs and violently clutched each other by any part of the body +on which they could get a grip. Before the astounded gaze of the +onlookers they swayed, nearly fell, then went round in circles, at the +same time executing every sort of conceivable contortion. + +A great cheer burst from the audience. From all sides a rush was made +for the platform, and the Professor was carried shoulder-high round +the room. + +The Jazz germ had been discovered at last. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Pekinese (who has been accidentally pushed into the +gutter by gigantic bloodhound)._ "AND YOU MAY THANK YOUR STARS I'VE +GOT A MUZZLE ON!" + + * * * * * + + A FRIENDLY OFFER. + + "A French Gentleman would like to make acquaintance with + and English one to improve the English language."--_French + Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Ste. Genevieve (422-572), born just outside Paris, spent a + long life in the city."--_Daily Paper._ + +Wherever it was spent, it was clearly a long life. + + * * * * * + + "---- College is the chosen home, the favoured haunt + of educational success. Our staff is composed of lineal + descendants of poets, seers, or savants, and it is the + intention of this formidable phalanx of intellectuals to drive + the whole world before them! We, of course, will say that + these classes will be famous, and well worth attending. In + Carlyle especially, the undersigned, with due modesty, expects + to constitute himself a Memnon, and to receive the sage of + Chelsea's martial pibroch from Hades, transmit it to the + listeners, and to thrill them to the very marrow of their + bones!"--_Advt. in Indian Paper_. + +We should like to hear what the sage's martial pibroch has to say +about the advertiser's "due modesty." + + * * * * * + +LAXITY IN QUOTATIONS. + +Among the many privileges which I propose to claim as a set-off for +what are called advancing years is a greater laxity in quotation. When +I have made a quotation I mean that that shall _be_ the quotation, +and I don't intend to be driven either to the original source or to +cyclopaedias of literature for verification. DANTE, for instance, is +a most prolific fount of quotations, especially for those who do not +know the original Italian. If I have quoted the words "_Galeotto fu +il libro e chi lo scrisse_" once, I have quoted them a hundred times, +always with an excellent effect and often giving the impression that +I am an Italian scholar, which I am not. But surely it is not usual +to abstain from a quotation because to use it would give a false +impression? I am perfectly certain, for instance, that there are +plenty of Italians who quote _Hamlet_, but know no more of English +than the words they quote, so I dare say that brings us right in the +end. + +Then there is the quotation about "a very parfitt gentil knight," or +words to that effect. At the moment of writing it down I felt that my +version was so correct that I would go to the scaffold for it; but +at this very instant a doubt insinuates itself. Is "parfitt" with two +"t's" the right spelling? + +It is related somewhere that TENNYSON and EDWARD FITZGERALD once +conspired together to see which of them could write the most +Wordsworthian line, and that the result was:-- + + "A Mr. Wilkinson, a clergyman." + +But there was no need for TENNYSON to go beyond his own works in +search of such an effect. He had already done the thing; and this was +his effort, which occurs in _The May Queen_:-- + + "And that good man, the clergyman, has told me words of peace." +This sounds as if it could not be defeated or matched, but matched it +certainly was in _Enoch Arden_. After describing _Enoch Arden's_ death +and the manner in which he "roll'd his eyes" upon _Miriam_, the bard +informs us:-- + + "So past the strong heroic soul away. + And when they buried him the little port + Had seldom seen a costlier funeral." + +But I feel that I have strayed beyond my purpose, which was to claim +a certain mitigated accuracy in quotation for those who suffer from +advancing years. + + * * * * * + + "----, chambermaid at the ---- Hotel, ----, was charged + yesterday with stealing two diamond rings and a diamond and + sapphire broom worth L80."--_Daily Paper_. + +Yet Mr. CHAMBERLAIN refuses to impose a Luxury Tax. + + * * * * * + + From a list of the German Peace-delegates:--"Baron von + Lersner, chief of the preliminary mission and ex-secretary + of the German Embassy in Washington. He was also formerly + attached to the German Embassy in Wales."--_Belfast News + Letter_. + +This sounds like another injustice to Ireland. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Scientific Uncle_. "DO YOU KNOW, CHILDREN, THAT AT ONE +TIME, LONG AGO, WE USED TO HAVE FIVE TOES ON EACH HAND, AND LIVE IN +TREES?" + +_Niece_. "WE WON'T TELL ANYBODY, UNCLE."] + + * * * * * + +THE ANNIVERSARY. + + The 23rd. To-day, my son, + Two turgid years ago, + Your father battled with the Hun + At five A.M. or so; + This was the day (if I exclude + A year of painful servitude + Under the Ministry of Food) + I struck my final blow. + + Ah, what a night! The cannon roared; + There was no food to spare; + And first it froze and then it poured; + Were we dismayed? We were. + Three hundred yards we went or more, + And, when we reached, through seas of gore, + The village we were fighting for, + The Germans were not there. + + But miles behind a 9.2 + Blew up a ration dump; + Far, far and wide the tinned food flew + From that tremendous crump: + And one immense and sharp-toothed tin + Came whistling down, to my chagrin, + And caught me smartly on the shin-- + By Jove, it made me jump. + + A hideous wound. The blood that flowed! + It was a job to dress; + I hobbled bravely down the road + And reached a C.C.S.; + Nor was I so obsessed with gloom + At leaving thus the field of doom + As one might easily assume + From stories in the Press. + + Though other soldiers as they fell-- + Or so the papers say-- + Cried, "GEORGE for England! Give 'em hell!" + (It was ST. GEORGE'S Day), + Inspiring as a Saint can be, + I should not readily agree + That anyone detected me + Behaving in that way. + + Such is the tale. And, year by year, + I shall no doubt relate + For your fatigued but filial ear + The history of this date; + Yet, though I do not now enhance + The crude events of that advance, + There is a wild fantastic chance + That they will grow more great. + + So be you certain while you may + Of what in fact occurred, + And if I have the face to say + On some far 23rd + That on this day the war was won, + That I despatched a single Hun, + Or even caught a glimpse of one-- + _Don't you believe a word_. + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Miss ---- looked sweetly pretty in an emerald-green satin + (very short) skirt, white blouse, and emerald handkerchief + tied over her head--an Irish Colleen, and a bonie one + too!"--_Colonial Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "According to a Vienna message, the Government has + introduced a Bill dealing with the former reigning Mouse of + Austria."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Alas, poor KARL! _Ridiculus mus_. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted one hour daily from ten to eleven morning at + convenience an English Talking Family for practice of talking. + Remuneration twenty rupees per mensem."--_Times of India_. + +We know one or two "talking families" that we should be glad to +export. + + * * * * * + + "In finding the defendant L3, Mr. Price told the defendant + that he would get into serious trouble if he persisted in his + conduct."--_Evening Paper_. + +And he may not meet such a generous magistrate next time. + + * * * * * + + "Englishman, well educated, desires afternoon engagement; + experienced in the care of children; good needlewoman; or + would assist light housework."--_Canadian Paper_. + +We hope we shall hear no further complaints from Canada that +Englishmen are not adaptable. + + * * * * * +COMMUNICATIONS. + +I was sitting in the Club, comfortably concealed by sheets of a +well-known journal, when two voices, somewhere over the parados of the +deep arm-chair, broke in upon my semi-consciousness. + +"... Then poor old Tubby, who hasn't recovered from his 1918 dose of +shell-shock, got a go of claustrophobia and felt he simply had to get +out of the train." + +The speaker paused and I heard the clink of glass. + +"Well?" said the other voice. + +"So, before we could flatten him out, he skipped up and pulled the +communicator thing and stopped the train; consequently we ran into +Town five minutes behind time. There was the deuce of a buzz about +it." + +"What's five minutes in this blissful land of lotus-eaters? Why, I've +known the Calais-Wipers express lose itself for half-a-day without a +murmur from anyone, unless the Brigadier had run out of bottled Bass." + +"But, my dear fellow," the first voice expostulated, "this was the +great West of England non-stop Swallowtail; runs into Town three +minutes ahead of time every trip. Habitues of the line often turn an +honest penny by laying odds on its punctuality with people who are +strangers to the reputation of this flier." + +"A pretty safe thing to bet on, eh?" said the other voice. Again there +was the faint clink of glass and then the voices drifted into other +topics, to which, having re-enveloped myself in my paper, I became +oblivious. + +A few days later I was called away from London, with Mr. Westaby +Jones, to consult in a matter of business. Mr. Westaby Jones is a +member of the Stock Exchange and, amongst other trivial failings, he +possesses one which is not altogether unknown in his profession. He +cannot resist a small wager. On several occasions he has gambled with +me and shown himself to be a gentleman of considerable acumen. + +Our business was finished and we were on the way back to Town by the +great West of England non-stop Swallowtail. We had lunched well and +discussed everything there was to discuss. It was a moment for rest. I +unfolded my paper and proceeded to envelop myself in the usual way. + +I seemed to hear the chink of glasses ... a voice murmured, "A pretty +safe thing to bet on." + +Then in a dreamy sort of manner I realised that Fate had delivered +Westaby Jones into my hands. When we were within twenty miles of +London I opened the campaign. I grossly abused the line on which we +were travelling and suggested that anybody could make a fortune by +assuming that its best train would roll in well after the scheduled +time. + +Westaby Jones, having privily ascertained that the engine-driver had +a minute or so in hand, immediately pinned me down to what he thought +(but wisely did not say) were the wild inaccuracies of an imbecile. +He did it to the extent of twenty-five pounds, and I sat back with the +comfortable feeling of a man who will shortly have a small legacy to +expend. At the moment which I had calculated to be most auspicious I +suddenly threw off the semblance of boredom, rose up, lurched across +the carriage and pulled the communication cord. (For the benefit +of those who have not done this I may say that the cord comes away +pleasantly in the hand and, at the same time, gives one a piquant +feeling of unofficial responsibility.) Westaby Jones was, for a +stockbroker, obviously astonished. + +"What on earth are you doing?" he exclaimed. + +"Sit down," I said; "this is my improved exerciser." + +"But you'll stop the train," he shouted. + +"Never mind," I replied; "what's a fine of five pounds compared to +physical fitness? Besides," I added significantly, "it may be a good +investment after all." + +For perhaps twenty seconds there was the silent tension of expectation +in the air and then I realised with a shock that the train did not +show any signs of slackening speed. It was, if anything, going faster. +I snatched frantically at the cord and pulled about half-a-furlong +into the carriage. We flashed past Ealing like a rocket, and I +desperately drew in coils and coils of the communicator until I and +Westaby Jones resembled the Laocoon. It was no good. Smoothly and +irresistibly we glided into the terminus and drew up at the platform +three minutes ahead of time. + +I have paid Westaby Jones, who was unmannerly enough to look pleased. +I have also corresponded with the railway company, claiming damages +on the grounds of culpable negligence. Unfortunately they require more +evidence than I am prepared to supply of the reasonable urgency of my +action. + + * * * * * + +From a theatre programme:-- + + "The name of the actual and responsible Manager of the + premises must be printed at least once during every + performance to ensure its being in proper order." + +So that explains the noise going on behind the scenes. + + * * * * * + +NATURE NOTES. + +The Cuckoo has arrived and will sing as announced. + + * * * * * + +One of the results of the arrival of the Cuckoo is the prevalence of +notices, for those that have eyes to see, drawing attention to the +ineligible character of nests. These take a variety of forms--such as +"All the discomforts of home," "Beware of mumps," "We have lost our +worm cards," "Serious lining-shortage"--but the purpose of each is to +discourage the Cuckoo from depositing an egg where it is not wanted. + + * * * * * + +From all parts of the country information reaches us as to the odd +nesting-places of wrens and robins. A curious feature is the number +of cases where letter-boxes have been chosen, thus preventing the +delivery of letters, and in consequence explaining why so many letters +have not been answered. Even the biggest dilatory correspondent is not +ashamed to take advantage of the smallest bird. + + * * * * * + +The difficulty of obtaining muzzles is very general and many +dog-owners have been hard put to it to comply with the regulation. +From these, however, must be excepted those who possess wire-haired +terriers, from whose coats an admirable muzzle can be extracted in a +few minutes. + + * * * * * + +The statement of a telephone operator, that "everything gives way to +trunks," is said to have caused great satisfaction in the elephant +house at the Zoo. + + * * * * * + +PLEASE. + + Please be careful where you tread, + The fairies are about; + Last night, when I had gone to bed, + I heard them creeping out. + And wouldn't it be a dreadful thing + To do a fairy harm? + To crush a little delicate wing + Or bruise a tiny arm? + They 're all about the place, I know, + So do be careful where you go. + + Please be careful what you say, + They're often very near, + And though they turn their heads away + They cannot help but hear. + And think how terribly you would mind + If, even for a joke, + You said a thing that seemed unkind + To the dear little fairy folk. + I'm sure they're simply everywhere, + So _promise_ me that you'll take care. + + R.F. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Harold (_after a violent display of affection)._ +"'TISN'T 'COS I LOVE YOU--IT'S 'COS YOU SMELL SO NICE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +The Great Man is, I suppose, among the most difficult themes to treat +convincingly in fiction. To name but one handicap, the author has in +such cases to postulate at least some degree of acquaintance on the +part of the reader with his celebrated subject. "Everyone is now +familiar," he will observe, "with the sensational triumph achieved by +the work of X----;" whereat the reader, uneasily conscious of never +having heard of him, inclines to condemn the whole business beforehand +as an impossible fable. I fancy Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM felt something of +this difficulty with regard to the protagonist of his quaintly-called +_The Moon and Sixpence_ (HEINEMANN), since, for all his sly pretence +of quoting imaginary authorities, we have really only his unsupported +word for the superlative genius of _Charles Strickland_, +the stockbroker who abandoned respectable London to become a +Post-impressionist master, a vagabond and ultimately a Pacific +Islander. The more credit then to Mr. MAUGHAM that he does quite +definitely make us accept the fellow at his valuation. He owes this, +perhaps, to the unsparing realism of the portrait. Heartless, utterly +egotistical, without conscience or scruple or a single redeeming +feature beyond the one consuming purpose of his art, _Strickland_ is +alive as few figures in recent fiction have been; a genuinely great +though repellent personality--a man whom it would have been at once +an event to have met and a pleasure to have kicked. Mr. MAUGHAM has +certainly done nothing better than this book about him; the drily +sardonic humour of his method makes the picture not only credible but +compelling. I liked especially the characteristic touch that +shows _Strickland_ escaping, not so much from the dull routine of +stockbroking (genius has done that often enough in stories before now) +as from the pseudo-artistic atmosphere of a flat in Westminster and a +wife who collected blue china and mild celebrities. _Mrs. Strickland_ +indeed is among the best of the slighter characters in a tale with a +singularly small cast; though it is, of course, by the central figure +that it stands or falls. My own verdict is an unhesitating _stet_. + + * * * * * + +If there be any who still cherish a pleasant memory of the Bonnie +Prince CHARLIE of the Jacobite legend, Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S _Mr. +Misfortunate_ (COLLINS) will dispose of it. She gives us a study of +the YOUNG PRETENDER in the decade following Culloden. Figures such as +LOCHIEL, KEITH, GORING, the dour KELLY, HENRY STUART, LOUIS XV., with +sundry courtiers and mistresses, move across the film. I should say +the author's sympathy is with her main subject, but her conscience +is too much for her. I find myself increasingly exercised over +this conscience of Miss BOWEN'S. She seems to me to be deliberately +committing herself to what I can only describe as a staccato method. +This was notably the case with _The Burning Glass_, her last novel. +Her narratives no longer seem to flow. She will give you catalogues +of furniture and raiment, with short scenes interspersed, for all the +world as if she were transcribing from carefully taken notes. Quite +probably she is, and I am being authentically instructed and should +be duly grateful, but I find myself longing for the exuberance of her +earlier method. I feel quite sure this competent author can find a +way of respecting historical truth without killing the full-blooded +flavour of romance. + + * * * * * + +There is a smack of the Early Besantine about the earnest scion of +a noble house who decides to share the lives and lot of common and +unwashed men with an eye to the imminent appearance of the True Spirit +of Democracy in our midst. Such a one is the hero of Miss MAUD DIVER'S +latest novel, _Strange Roads_ (CONSTABLE); but it is only fair to +say that _Derek Blunt_ (_ne_ Blount), second son of the _Earl of +Avonleigh_, is no prig, but, on the contrary, a very pleasant fellow. +For a protagonist he obtrudes himself only moderately in a rather +discursive story which involves a number of other people who do +nothing in particular over a good many chapters. We are halfway +through before _Derek_ takes the plunge, and then we find, him, not +in the slums of some industrial quarter, but in Western Canada, where +class distinctions are founded less on soap than on simoleons. At the +end of the volume the War has "bruk out," and our hero, apart from +having led a healthy outdoor life and chivalrously married and been +left a widower by a pathetic child with consumption and no morals, +is just about where he started. I say "at the end of the volume," for +there I find a publisher's note to the effect that in consequence +of the paper shortage the further adventures of our hero have been +postponed to a subsequent volume. It is to be entitled _The Strong +Hours_, and will doubtless provide a satisfactory _raison d'etre_ for +all the other people who did nothing in particular in Vol. I. + + * * * * * + +If you had numbered _Elizabeth_, the heroine of _A Maiden in Malaya_ +(MELROSE), among your friends, I can fancy your calling upon her to +"hear about her adventures in the East." I can see her delightedly +telling you of the voyage, of the people she met on board (including +the charming young man upon whom you would already have congratulated +her), of how he and she bought curios at Port Said, of her arrival, of +her sister's children and their quaint sayings, of Singapore and its +sights, of Malaya and how she was taken to see the tapping on a rubber +plantation--here I picture a gleam of revived interest, possibly +financial in origin, appearing in your face--of the club, of dinner +parties and a thousand other details, all highly entertaining to +herself and involving a sufficiency of native words to impress the +stay-at-home. And perhaps, just as you were considering your chance of +an escape before tea, she would continue "and now I must tell you all +about the dreadful time I had in the rising!" which she would then +vivaciously proceed to do; and not only that, but all about the +dreadful time (the same dreadful time) that all her friends had in +the same rising, chapters of it, so that in the end it might be six +o'clock or later before you got away. I hope this is not an unfair +_resume_ of the impression produced upon me by Miss ISOBEL MOUNTAIN'S +prattling pages. To sum up, if you have an insatiable curiosity for +the small talk of other people's travel, _A Maiden in Malaya_ may not +prove too much for it. If otherwise, otherwise. + + * * * * * + +I wish Col. JOHN BUCHAN could have been jogging Mrs. A.C. INCHBOLD'S +elbow while she was writing _Love and the Crescent_ (HUTCHINSON), All +the essential people in his _Greenmantle_, which deals, towards the +end at any rate, with just about the same scenes and circumstances as +her story, are so confoundedly efficient, have so undeniably learnt +the trick of making the most of their dashing opportunities. In Mrs. +INCHBOLD's book the trouble is that with much greater advantages in +the way of local knowledge and with all manner of excitement, founded +on fact, going a-begging, nothing really thrilling or convincing +ever quite materialises. The heroine, Armenian and beautiful, is +as ineffective as the hero, who is French and heroic, both of them +displaying the same unfortunate tendency to be carried off captive by +the other side and to indulge in small talk when they should be most +splendid. And the majority of the other figures follow suit. On the +face of it the volume is stuffed with all the material of melodrama; +but somehow the authoress seems to strive after effects that don't +come naturally to her. What does come naturally to her is seen in a +background sketch of the unhappy countries of Asia Minor in the hands +of the Turk and the Hun, which is so much the abler part of the book +that one would almost rather the too intrusive narrative were brushed +aside entirely. Personally, at any rate, I think I should prefer Mrs. +INCHBOLD in essay or historical form. + + * * * * * + +Madame ALBANESI, in _Tony's Wife_ (HOLDEN AND HARDINGHAM), has +provided her admirers with a goodly collection of sound Albanesians, +but she has also given them a villain in whom, I cannot help thinking, +they will find themselves hard-pressed to believe. _Richard Savile_ +was deprived of a great inheritance by _Tony's_ birth, and as his +guardian spent long years in nourishing revenge. He was not, we know, +the first guardian to play this game, but that he could completely +deceive so many people for such a long time seems to prove him far +cleverer than appears from any actual evidence furnished. If, however, +this portrait is not in the artist's best manner, I can praise without +reserve the picture of _Lady Feo_, a little Society butterfly, very +frivolous on the surface, but concealing a lot of nice intuition and +sympathy, and I welcome her as a set-off to the silly caricatures we +commonly get of the class to which she belonged. Let me add that +in the telling of this tale Madame ALBANESI retains her quiet and +individual charm. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MARCH-PAST AS PORTRAYED BY OUR TYPIST ON HER +MACHINE.] + + * * * * * + + A CURIOUS ROMANIAN CUSTOM. + + "The two white doves which were perched in the wedding + carriage excited much interest. They were given, following the + pretty Roumanian cuckoo, to the bride and bridegroom by the + people of Roumania to symbolise the happiness and peace which + are hoped to the newly-married couple."--_North Mail_. + + * * * * * + + "A ROMANTIC COURTSHIP IN TURKEY. + + Miss ---- visited Colonel ---- when boat, money, a + hiding-place in Constantinople last summer suffering from + smallpox."--_Provincial Paper._ + +There seem here to be all the elements of romance, but the story +suffers from overmuch compression. We shall wait to see it on the +film. + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, May 7, 1919., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12079.txt or 12079.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/0/7/12079/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. For example: + + https://www.gutenberg.org/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: + https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + + |