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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:38:51 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:38:51 -0700 |
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diff --git a/12079-h/12079-h.htm b/12079-h/12079-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8f8112 --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/12079-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1919 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Windows (vers 1st November 2003), see www.w3.org" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content= +"text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, May 7, 1919.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-left: 40%; margin-right: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + .center + {text-align: center;} + + .author + {text-align: right;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none; margin-bottom: 1em;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12079 ***</div> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 156.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>May 7, 1919.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page353" id="page353"></a>[pg +353]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA</h2> +. +<p>No enthusiasm attended the recent revival of the curious May Day +custom of dancing round the snow man.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Since the Muzzling Order, says a weekly paper, fewer postmen in +the West End have been bitten by dogs. We are asked by the Dogs' +Trade Union to point out that this is not due to the Muzzling +Order, but to the fact that just at present there is a fine supply +of dairy-fed milkmen in that district.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A negress has just died in South America, aged 136. It is +supposed that the exodus of so many of her descendants to London on +account of the great demand for Jazz-band players was largely +responsible for hastening her end.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>According to a local paper an American officer refused to stay +at a seaside hotel during Easter-time because a flea hopped on to +the visitors' book whilst he was in the act of signing it. We agree +that it is certainly rather alarming when these unwelcome intruders +adopt such methods of espionage in order to discover which room one +is about to occupy.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Society of Public Analysts declares that it is impossible to +tell what animal or what part of it is contained in a sausage. We +gather that it all depends on whether the beast is backed into the +machine or enticed into it with a sardine.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The British people still feel themselves the victors, so Mr. +RAMSAY MACDONALD told the <i>Vossische Zeitung</i>. Not Mr. +MACDONALD'S fault, of course.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>London butchers have protested against being compelled to sell +Chilian, Brazilian, Manchurian <i>and other</i> beef. A simple way +to distinguish "other beef" from Manchurian beef is to offer it to +the cat. If it eats it, it is neither.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Board of Agriculture claims that since 1914 eleven thousand +persons have been taught to make cheese. It is admitted, however, +that as the result of inexperience the mortality among young +cheeses has been enormous.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Labour Party are submitting a Motion in the House of Commons +for the reduction of railway fares. An alternative suggestion that +passengers should be allowed to pay the extra shilling or two and +buy the train outright will probably be put forward.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The sum of £15,650 has just been paid for the lease of a +West End flat, says a contemporary. If this includes use of the +bath, it seems a bit of a bargain.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We gather from an American newspaper that shooting for the new +Mexican Presidency has commenced.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An East End fishmonger is reported to have sold fish at one +penny a pound. The controlled price being much higher, several +trade rivals have offered to bear the expense of a doctor for this +man as they feel that something may be pressing on his brain.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Berlin message indicates that the man who shot KURT EISNER has +again been assassinated by the Spartacists. This, of course, cannot +be the end of the business. The last and positively final execution +of the man still rests with the German Government.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There has never been a case of rabies in Scotland, says <i>The +Evening News</i>. This speaks well for the bagpipes as a defensive +weapon.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>According to a Boston message some Americans gave Admiral WOOD, +U.S. Navy, a very cool reception the other day. In shaking hands +with him they only broke seven small bones.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We are pleased to be able to say that the recently demobilised +soldier who accidentally swallowed some "plum and apple" in a +London restaurant is well on the road to recovery.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The number of hot-cross-bun specialists who, since Easter, have +been in receipt of unemployment pay has not yet been disclosed for +publication.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A dog has returned to its home at Walsworth after being absent +for two months. It is feared that he has been leading a double +life.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Throughout the country," says a well-known daily paper, "the +hedges and trees are now budding forth into green leaves." This, we +understand, is according to precedent.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Is your rent raised?" asks a contemporary. With difficulty, if +he <i>must</i> know.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Newcastle Justices have extinguished eight licences for +redundancy. There is no reason for supposing that the offence was +intentional.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The report that the prehistoric flint axe recently found at +Ascot had been claimed by Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., is denied. +Sir FREDERICK, it appears, merely expressed warm approval of +it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Manchester Parks Committee is considering the question of +opening the Municipal Golf Links for Sunday play. It is contended +that the more anti-Sabbatarian features of the game could be +eliminated by allowing players to pick out of a bunker without +penalty.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Much advice has recently appeared in the Press regarding the +treatment of bites received from mad dogs, and in consequence there +is a movement on foot among Missionaries to obtain some information +regarding the best method of treating the bite of a cannibal.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Chicago woman has been charged with attempting to shoot her +husband with a jewelled and gold-handled revolver. We are pleased +to note that the American authorities are determined to put down +such ostentation.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It has come to our ears that a certain Conscientious Objector +now feels so ashamed of his refusal to fight that he has +practically decided to take boxing lessons by post.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/353.png"><img width="100%" src="images/353.png" alt= +"WHAT'S THAT THING YOU'VE GOT ON, ALBERT?" /></a> +<p>"WHAT'S THAT THING YOU'VE GOT ON, ALBERT?"</p> +<p>"TRENCH COAT."</p> +<p>"BUT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN THE TRENCHES."</p> +<p>"I KNOW. THAT'S THE IDEA."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page354" id="page354"></a>[pg +354]</span> +<h2>LETTERS TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(No answers required, thank you.)</i></p> +<p class="center"><i>To Count Brockdorff-Rantzau, Head of the German Peace +Delegation.</i></p> +<p>The enthralling volume, entitled <i>Preliminary Terms of +Peace</i>, on which your attention is being engrossed at the +present moment, is said to be of the same length as <i>A Tale of +Two Cities</i>. In other respects there is little resemblance +traceable between the two works. A more striking likeness is to be +found between the present volume and a document produced (also in +the neighbourhood of Paris) by the late Prince BISMARCK in 1871. On +your return home, if the fancy appeals to you, you might, out of +these two publications, construct a very readable romance and call +it <i>Two Tales of One City</i>. I think this would be a better +name for it than <i>Vice-Versailles.</i></p> +<p class="center"><i>To Signor Orlando</i>.</p> +<p>Apart from our love for Italy we are, of course, naturally +prejudiced in favour of a man who got his surname from one of our +own SHAKSPEARE'S heroes, and has consequently given us several easy +chances of making little <i>As-you-like-it</i> jokes for the Press +in our simple unsophisticated way. All the same I think you were +wrong in dropping out of the Big Four like that. If every other +Allied delegate were to go off home whenever he couldn't get his +own way, or whenever he differed from President WILSON, there might +be nobody left to meet the German representatives or to sign any +sort of Peace terms. The enemy might even start a Big Four of their +own and begin to talk. What should we do then? We might have to +send for Marshal FOCH. I'm not sure that in any case this wouldn't +be the best plan.</p> +<p>But perhaps you will be back in Paris before this letter reaches +you. All roads lead to Rome, and there must be at least one that +leads out of it again.</p> +<p class="center"><i>To Ferdinand, Fox</i>.</p> +<p>If news of the outside world ever reaches you in your earth, and +you read the discussions on the question whether your old friend +WILLIAM ought to be hanged, it can hardly have escaped Your +Nosiness that nothing is said about your own claim to similar +treatment. Those who never rightly appreciated you may imagine that +you will meekly consent to forgo that claim. But, if I know +anything of your proud and princely nature, you are, on the other +hand, bitterly chagrined at the thought that you have been +forgotten so soon.</p> +<p class="center"><i>To a British "Sportsman</i>."</p> +<p>I have often seen you of an afternoon in war-time hanging about +in groups along my workaday street, poring over what you regarded +as the vital news of the day. It was not a report of any battle in +which your brothers were fighting, and, if I had asked you +breathlessly, "Who won?" you would not have said, "The British"; +you would have said, "SOLLY JOEL'S colt." You had never seen the +horse, but you had half-a-dollar of your War-bonus on him, or more +probably on one of those who also ran. To-day there are no silly +battles to take up good space in your evening print; and, better +still, there is no day without its racing matter; no more +curtailing of the King of Sports to the lamentable detriment of our +national horse-breeding, a subject so close to your heart. The War +is indeed well over.</p> +<p>And nothing can be more gratifying to you than to note the rapid +progress of Reconstruction in the domain of the Turf. In other +spheres of activity there may be a million people drawing the +unemployment donation; but here there is immediate occupation for +all. The New Jerusalem has been built in a day.</p> +<p class="center"><i>To Peace</i>.</p> +<p>You must not mind if, when you come at last, we treat you like +an anti-climax. You see, we let ourselves go, once for all, over +the Armistice, and, though there will be plenty of celebrations for +you, we shan't forget ourselves again. There will be bands, of +course, and bunting, and we shall read the directions in the +papers, and buy expensive tickets and get to our seats early. But +we shall be respectable and inarticulate this time, like the +present exhibition at the Royal Academy. Besides, we have no nice +things to shout when the pageants go by, like "<i>Vive la +Victoire</i>!" or "<i>Viva la Pace!</i>" and even if we had we +should all wait for somebody else to start shouting them.</p> +<p>But you are not to be disappointed; we shall really be glad to +welcome you, though we do it in that strange way we have of taking +everything as it comes.</p> +<p>I suppose you are bound to assist at your own celebrations, +otherwise I should recommend you to be content to read about them +next day—about the thundering cheers, the wild enthusiasm +that swept like a flame through the vast multitudes, and how "the +red glare on Skiddaw roused the Canon (RAWNSLEY) of Carlisle."</p> +<p class="center"><i>To a Multi-Millionaire.</i></p> +<p>It must be a great satisfaction to you to see how highly the +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER appreciates the loss which the country +will sustain by your eventual decease; and that he has proposed to +increase materially the amount to be raised out of your estate as a +national souvenir of your commercial activities. Indeed you may +reflect that, splendid and profitable as your life has been, +nothing in it will have become you so much as the leaving of it. +With such a thought in your mind the prospect of death should be +robbed of a large proportion of its sting.</p> +<p class="center"><i>To a New Knight (Scots).</i></p> +<p>Out of the eight hundred million pounds' worth of Government +material left over from the War, of which two hundred million +pounds' worth is expected to be realised in the current year, you +should have no difficulty in securing a pair of knightly spurs at +quite a reasonable price. They ought to go well with a kilt.</p> +<p class="center"><i>To the Chairman of the "Société +des Bains de Mer de Monaco</i>."</p> +<p>Few people can have been better pleased than you at the +cessation of hostilities. During all those terrible years the +falling-off among the patrons of your world-famous +bathing-establishment must have been a source of cruel grief to +you. And now there are already myriads who have washed away the +stains of war in the pellucid waves that lap your coast of +azure.</p> +<p>Here, too, at your hospitable Board of Green Cloth there is +forgetfulness of Armageddon save when the cry of "Zéro" +recalls to the convalescent British warrior the fateful hour for +going over the top.</p> +<p>And to think of Monte Carlo without the guttural Hun and his +raucous "<i>Dass ist mein</i>" as he swoops upon his disputed +spoils! An Eden with the worm away!</p> +<p><i>À bientôt</i>!</p> +<p class="author">O.S.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"PUBLIC SCHOOLS' HIGH JUMP CHALLENGE CUP.—E.C. Archer +(Merchant Taylors'), 5 ft. 4 in. (unfinished), 1."—<i>The +Times</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We are glad to have later advices which state that he has +returned to earth safely.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Alabaster Lady's Evening Cigarette Case, lid and hinges set +with diamonds; left in taxi."—<i>Advt. in "The +Times."</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>We trust the alabaster lady has by now regained her property and +with it her marmoreal calm.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page355" id="page355"></a>[pg +355]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/355.png"><img width="100%" src="images/355.png" alt= +"IMPERIAL PREFERENCE." /></a> +<h3>IMPERIAL PREFERENCE.</h3> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page356" id="page356"></a>[pg +356]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/356.png"><img width="100%" src="images/356.png" alt= +"THEY 'ALSO RUN' WHO ONLY STAND AND WAIT." /></a>"THEY 'ALSO RUN' +WHO ONLY STAND AND WAIT."</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE ARRIVAL OF BLACKMAN'S WARBLER.</h2> +<p>I am become an Authority on Birds. It happened in this way.</p> +<p>The other day we heard the Cuckoo in Hampshire. (The next +morning the papers announced that the Cuckoo had been heard in +Devonshire—possibly a different one, but in no way superior +to ours except in the matter of its Press agent.) Well, everybody +in the house said, "Did you hear the Cuckoo?" to everybody else, +until I began to get rather tired of it; and, having told everybody +several times that I <i>had</i> heard it, I tried to make the +conversation more interesting. So, after my tenth "Yes," I added +quite casually:—</p> +<p>"But I haven't heard the Tufted Pipit yet. It's funny why it +should be so late this year."</p> +<p>"Is that the same as the Tree Pipit?" said my hostess, who +seemed to know more about birds than I had hoped.</p> +<p>"Oh, no," I said confidently.</p> +<p>"What's the difference exactly?"</p> +<p>"Well, one is tufted," I said, doing my best, "and the +other—er—climbs trees."</p> +<p>"Oh, I see."</p> +<p>"And of course the eggs are more speckled," I added, gradually +acquiring confidence.</p> +<p>"I often wish I knew more about birds," she said regretfully. +"You must tell us something about them now we've got you here."</p> +<p>And all this because of one miserable Cuckoo!</p> +<p>"By all means," I said, wondering how long it would take to get +a book about birds down from London.</p> +<p>However, it was easier than I thought. We had tea in the garden +that afternoon, and a bird of some kind struck up in the +plane-tree.</p> +<p>"There, now," said my hostess, "what's that?"</p> +<p>I listened with my head on one side. The bird said it again.</p> +<p>"That's the Lesser Bunting," I said hopefully.</p> +<p>"The Lesser Bunting," said an earnest-looking girl; "I shall +always remember that."</p> +<p>I hoped she wouldn't, but I could hardly say so. Fortunately the +bird lesser-bunted again, and I seized the opportunity of playing +for safety.</p> +<p>"Or is it the Sardinian White-throat?" I wondered. "They have +very much the same note during the breeding season. But of course +the eggs are more speckled," I added casually.</p> +<p>And so on for the rest of the evening. You see how easy it +is.</p> +<p>However the next afternoon a most unfortunate occurrence +occurred. A real Bird Authority came to tea. As soon as the +information leaked out I sent up a hasty prayer for bird-silence +until we had got him safely out of the place; but it was not +granted. Our feathered songster in the plane-tree broke into his +little piece.</p> +<p>"There," said my hostess—"there's that bird again." She +turned to me. "What did you say it was?"</p> +<p>I hoped that the Authority would speak first, and that the +others would then accept my assurance that they had misunderstood +me the day before; but he was entangled at that moment in a +watercress sandwich, the loose ends of which were still waiting to +be tucked away.</p> +<p>I looked anxiously at the girl who had promised to remember, in +case she wanted to say something, but she also was silent. +Everybody was silent except that miserable bird.</p> +<p>Well, I had to have another go at it. "Blackman's Warbler," I +said firmly.</p> +<p>"Oh, yes," said my hostess.</p> +<p>"Blackman's Warbler; I shall always remember that," lied the +earnest-looking girl.</p> +<p>The Authority, who was free by this time, looked at me +indignantly.</p> +<p>"Nonsense," he said; "it's the Chiff-chaff."</p> +<p>Everybody else looked at me reproachfully. I was about to say +that "Blackman's <span class="pagenum"><a name="page357" id= +"page357"></a>[pg 357]</span> Warbler" was the local name for the +Chiff-chaff in our part of Flint, when the Authority spoke +again.</p> +<p>"The Chiff-chaff," he said to our hostess with an insufferable +air of knowledge.</p> +<p>I wasn't going to stand that.</p> +<p>"So <i>I</i> thought when I heard it first," I said, giving him +a gentle smile.</p> +<p>It was now the Authority's turn to get the reproachful +looks.</p> +<p>"Are they very much alike?" my hostess asked me, much +impressed.</p> +<p>"Very much. Blackman's Warbler is often mistaken for the +Chiff-chaff, even by so-called experts"—and I turned to the +Authority and added, "Have another sandwich, won't you?"—"and +particularly so, of course, during the breeding season. It is true +that the eggs are more speckled, but—"</p> +<p>"Bless my soul," said the Authority, but it was easy to see that +he was shaken, "I should think I know a Chiff-chaff when I hear +one."</p> +<p>"Ah, but do you know a Blackman's Warbler? One doesn't often +hear them in this country. Now in Switzerland—"</p> +<p>The bird said "Chiff-chaff" again with an almost indecent +plainness of speech.</p> +<p>"There you are!" I said triumphantly. "Listen," and I held up a +finger. "You notice the difference? <i>Obviously</i> a Blackman's +Warbler."</p> +<p>Everybody looked at the Authority. He was wondering how long it +would take to get a book about birds down from London, and deciding +that it couldn't be done that afternoon. Meanwhile "Blackman's +Warbler" sounded too much like the name of something to be +repudiated. For all he had caught of our mumbled introduction I +might have been Blackman myself.</p> +<p>"Possibly you're right," he said reluctantly.</p> +<p>Another bird said "Chiff-chaff" from another tree, and I thought +it wise to be generous. "There," I said, "now that <i>was</i> a +Chiff-chaff."</p> +<p>The earnest-looking girl remarked (silly creature) that it +sounded just like the other one, but nobody took any notice of her. +They were all busy admiring me.</p> +<p>Of course I mustn't meet the Authority again, because you may be +pretty sure that when he got back to his books he looked up +Blackman's Warbler and found that there was no such animal. But if +you mix in the right society and only see the wrong people once it +is really quite easy to be an authority on birds—or, I +imagine, on anything else.</p> +<p class="author">A.A.M.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/357.png"><img width="100%" src="images/357.png" alt= +"JAZZ STOCKINGS ARE THE LATEST THING, DEAR." /></a> +<p><i>The Woman</i>. "JAZZ STOCKINGS ARE THE LATEST THING, DEAR. +HERE'S A PICTURE OF A GIRL WITH THEM ON."</p> +<p><i>The Man</i>. "WHAT APPALLING ROT! ER—AFTER YOU WITH THE +PAPER."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>"HONOURS."</h3> +<p class="center">(<i>By a Cynic</i>.)</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A Dukedom, Grand or otherwise,</p> +<p>No longer is an envied prize</p> +<p>When every day some fierce Commission</p> +<p>Clamours for ducal inhibition.</p> +<p>The style of Marquess—thuswise spelt—</p> +<p>Is picturesque, but, like the belt</p> +<p>Of Earldom, cannot long abide</p> +<p>Or stem the democratic tide.</p> +<p>Viscounties stand to cheer and bless</p> +<p>The labours of the purple Press,</p> +<p>And Baronies, once held by robbers,</p> +<p>Are given to patriotic jobbers.</p> +<p>Uncompromising malediction</p> +<p>Rests on the Baronets of fiction;</p> +<p>In actual life they serve to link</p> +<p>A Party with the Street of Ink;</p> +<p>While Knighthood's latest honours fall</p> +<p>Upon the funniest men of all.</p> +<p>Yes, while our gratitude acclaims</p> +<p>The justly decorated names</p> +<p>Of peers like TENNYSON and LISTER,</p> +<p>There is much virtue in plain Mister.</p> +<p>The style and title deemed most fit</p> +<p>By DARWIN, HUXLEY, BURKE and PITT,</p> +<p>And later on by A.J.B.,</p> +<p>Are more than good enough for me.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page358" id="page358"></a>[pg +358]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/358.png"><img width="100%" src="images/358.png" alt= +'ECHO OF "SHOW SUNDAY"' /></a> +<h3>ECHO OF "SHOW SUNDAY".</h3> +<table summary=""> +<tr> +<td><i>Visitor</i>. "WHAT'S THIS FELLOW DOIN' IN THE CORNER?"</td> +<td> </td> +<td><i>Artist</i>. "OH, HE'S THERE JUST TO HELP THE +COMPOSITION."</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="3"><i>Visitor</i>. "AWFULLY DECENT OF +HIM—WHAT!"</td> +</tr> +</table> +<hr /> +</div> +<h2>THE DOMESTIC QUESTION SOLVED.</h2> +<p>Last Thursday, at a registry-office, I obtained the favour of an +interview with a domestic artist and was able (by reason of a +previous conference with my friend Freshfield—like myself a +demobilised bachelor author) to face the ordeal with some degree of +confidence.</p> +<p>Mrs. Milton, widow, fifty-five, exceptional references, who +proposed, if everything about me seemed satisfactory, to rule my +household, was as suave as one has any right to expect nowadays; +but when she dictated the terms I gathered that she would be +sufficiently dangerous if roused.</p> +<p>She knew what bachelors were, she did, and wasn't going to take +a place where a lot of comp'ny was kept.</p> +<p>I assured her on this point. My friend, Mr. Freshfield, I said, +would come once a week, every Monday, to dine and sleep, but beyond +that I should put no strain upon her powers of entertainment.</p> +<p>Mrs. Milton further said that she would require at least two +afternoons and one evening a week. Here was my opportunity to +appear generous.</p> +<p>"Two afternoons and one evening?" I said. "My dear friend and +fellow-worker, you can have every Wednesday and Thursday from after +breakfast on the former to practically dinner-time (eight o'clock) +on the latter. No questions will be asked of you or of the piano or +gramophone, both of which instruments you will find in smooth +running order. I am away," I added, "every Wednesday and +Thursday."</p> +<p>That clinched it. Hiding her surprise as well as she could under +an irreproachable bonnet and toupee, Mrs. Milton expressed her +readiness to accompany me then and there, and to superintend the +disappearance of my coals and marmalade.</p> +<p>Perhaps you have guessed that I propose to spend every Wednesday +night at Freshfield's place, and that the complete success of the +scheme has been assured by the making of a similar agreement +between Freshfield and a person holding corresponding views to +those of Mrs. Milton.</p> +<p>Thus Freshfield and I have each secured the full seven days' +attendance by a device pleasing to all concerned. After locking up +the MELBA and GEORGE ROBEY records on Wednesday mornings and with +the knowledge that the piano is past serious injury, I depart for +Freshfield's (<i>viâ</i> the Club for lunch) each week with a +light heart.</p> +<p>My collaborator is all for keeping this solution of a harassing +problem to ourselves. I say "No." The general adoption of such a +scheme, with alterations to suit individual cases, would, I think, +be a nail in the coffin of Bolshevism in the home.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>Mr. Wilson Rubs It In.</h4> +<p>"The <i>Echo de Paris</i> says, 'Mr. Wilson believes he can play +the rôle of the Popes of the middle ages. In the éclat +of his public messages he tries to set peoples against +governments.'"—<i>Scots Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"General Monash making an imposing figure on his grey horse, +where he rode with General Hobbs and three +Brigadiers."—<i>Times</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The R.S.P.C.A. must look into this.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"GOLF BATTLE OF THE SEXES.</p> +<p>The latest Jack Johnson story is that he is training in Mexico +City for a series of fights, which will take place in the +bull-ring.</p> +<p>Ladies: Miss Cecil Leitch, Miss Chubb, Miss Barry, Mrs. McNair, +Mrs. Jillard, Mrs. F.W. Brown, Miss Jones Parker and Mrs. Willock +Pollen."—<i>Daily Sketch</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We are rather sorry for Massa JOHNSON.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page359" id="page359"></a>[pg +359]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/359.png"><img width="100%" src="images/359.png" alt= +"LET'S SHOVE OFF NOW, MATER." /></a> +<p><i>Bored Cadet (in Westminster Abbey).</i> "LET'S SHOVE OFF NOW, +MATER. HATE HANGIN' ROUND A PLACE WHERE ONE MIGHT BE BURIED SOME +DAY!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE CHURCH AND PEACE.</h3> +<p>The acquiescence of the Coventry Peace Celebration Committee in +the Bishop of COVENTRY'S view that the Lady GODIVA of their pageant +should be fully clothed is leading not only to many innovations in +the representations of history all over the country, but to a +recrudescence of ecclesiastical power which is affording the +liveliest satisfaction to Lord HUGH CECIL.</p> +<p>For already several other divines have followed suit. It is +agreeable, for example, to the very reasonable wishes of the DEAN +and Chapter of Westminster that the Westminster Peace Celebration +Committee have decided that NELL GWYNN shall either be excluded +from the Whitehall procession altogether or shall figure as a +Mildmay deaconess.</p> +<p>Acting under the influence of a local curate, the Athelney Peace +Celebration Committee have unanimously resolved that in these hard +times, when (as the curate pointed out) food is not too plentiful, +it would be better if KING ALFRED cooked the cakes properly and +they were afterwards distributed.</p> +<p>So many watering-places claim CANUTE as their own that he may be +expected to be multiplied exceedingly in the approaching Peace +revels; but from more than one Pastoral Letter it may be gathered +that the Episcopal Bench is very wisely in favour of the King's +retirement from the margin of the ocean before his shoes are +actually wet. It is held that in these days of leather-shortage and +the need for economy no risks should be run with footwear.</p> +<p>Other laudable efforts in the direction of economy are to be +made, again through the earnest solicitude of the Establishment, in +connection with the impersonation of Sir WALTER RALEIGH and KING +JOHN. With the purpose of saving Sir WALTER'S cloak from stain and +possible injury the puddle at QUEEN ELIZABETH'S feet will be only a +painted one, while, owing to the exorbitant price of laundry-work +at the moment, it has been arranged that only a few of KING JOHN'S +more negligible articles shall be consigned to the Wash.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>Hun Duplicity in Paris.</h4> +<p>"Count von Brockdorff-Rantzau replied simply, pointing to Herr +Dandsbery and saying: 'I present to you Herr +Landsberg.'"—<i>The Star</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h3>HOME FATIGUES.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>How oft I tried by smart intrigue</p> +<p class="i2">To do the British Army,</p> +<p>And dodge each rightly-termed Fatigue</p> +<p class="i2">Which nearly drove me barmy.</p> +<p>In vain! Whoever else they missed</p> +<p>My name was always on the list.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And so, while other minds were set</p> +<p class="i2">On smashing Jerry Bosch up</p> +<p>With rifle, bomb and bayonet,</p> +<p class="i2">I chiefly learned to wash-up,</p> +<p>To peel potatoes by the score,</p> +<p>Sweep out a room and scrub the floor.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Thus, now that I have left the ranks,</p> +<p class="i2">The plain unvarnished fact is</p> +<p>That through those three rough years, and thanks</p> +<p class="i2">To very frequent practice,</p> +<p>I, who was once a nascent snob,</p> +<p>Am master of the menial's job.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To-day I count this no disgrace</p> +<p class="i2">When "maids" have gone to blazes,</p> +<p>But take our late Eliza's place</p> +<p class="i2">And win my lady's praises,</p> +<p>As she declares in grateful mood</p> +<p>The Army did me worlds of good.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page360" id="page360"></a>[pg +360]</span> +<h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> +<p>"So," said Albert Edward, "I clapped him on the back and said, +'You were at Geelong College in 1910, and your name's Cazenove, +isn't it?'"</p> +<p>"To which he made reply, 'My name's Jones and I never heard of +Geewhizz,' and knocked you down and trod on you for your dashed +familiarity," said the Babe.</p> +<p>"Nothing of the sort. He was delighted to meet me +again—de-lighted. He's coming to munch with us tomorrow +evening, by the way, so you might sport the tablecloth for once, +William old dear, and tell the cook to put it across Og, the fatted +capon, and generally strive to live down your reputation as the +worst Mess President the world has ever seen. You will, I +know—for my sake."</p> +<p>Next morning, when I came down to breakfast, I found a note from +him saying that he had gone to the Divisional Races with his dear +old college chum, Cazenove; also the following addenda:—</p> +<p>"P.S.—If William should miss a few francs from the Mess +Fund tell him I will return it fourfold ere night. I am on to a +sure thing.</p> +<p>"P.P.S.—If MacTavish should raise a howl about his fawn +leggings, tell him I have borrowed them for the day as I understand +there will be V.A.D.'s present, and <i>noblesse oblige</i>."</p> +<p>At a quarter past eight that night he returned, accompanied by a +pleasant-looking gunner subaltern, whom we gathered to be the +Cazenove person. I say "gathered," for Albert Edward did not +trouble to introduce the friend of his youth, but, flinging himself +into a chair, attacked his food in a sulky silence which endured +all through the repast. Mr. Cazenove, on the other hand, was in +excellent form. He had spent a beautiful day, he said, and didn't +care who knew it. A judge of horseflesh from the cradle, he had +spotted the winner every time, backed his fancy like a little man +and had been very generously rewarded by the Totalizator. He was +contemplating a trip to Brussels in a day or so. Was his dear old +friend Albert Edward coming?</p> +<p>His "dear old friend" (who was eating his thumb-nails instead of +his savoury) scowled and said he thought not.</p> +<p>The gunner wagged his head sagely. "Ah, well, old chap, if you +will bet on horses which roar like a den of lions you must take the +consequences."</p> +<p>Albert Edward writhed. "That animal used to win sprints in +England; do you know that?"</p> +<p>Mr. Cazenove shrugged his shoulders.</p> +<p>"He may have thirty years ago. All I'd back him to win now would +be an old-age pension. Well, I warned you, didn't I?"</p> +<p>Albert Edward lost control. "When I'm reduced to taking advice +on racing form from a Tasmanian I'll chuck the game and hie me to a +monkery. Why, look at that bit of bric-à-brac you were +riding to-day; a decent God-fearing Australian wouldn't be seen +dead in a ten-acre paddock with it."</p> +<p>Mr. Cazenove spluttered even more furiously. "That's a dashed +good horse I'll have you know."</p> +<p>"I am not alluding to his morals, but to his appearance," said +Albert Edward; "I've seen better-looking hat-racks."</p> +<p>"I'd back him to lick the stuffing out of anything you've got in +this unit, anyway," Cazenove snorted.</p> +<p>"Don't be rash, Charlie," Albert Edward warned; "your lucky +afternoon has gone to your head. Why, I've got an old mule here +could give that boneshaker two stone and beat him by a furlong in +five."</p> +<p>The gunner sprang to his feet. "Done with you!" he roared. "Done +with you here and now!"</p> +<p>Albert Edward appeared to be somewhat taken back. "Don't be +silly, man," he soothed. "It's pitch dark outside and cut up with +trenches. Sit down and have some more of this rare old port, +specially concocted for us by the E.F.C."</p> +<p>But Mr. Cazenove was thoroughly aroused. "You're hedging," he +sneered; "you're scared."</p> +<p>"Nonsense," said Albert Edward. "I have never known what fear +is—not since the Armistice, anyhow. I am one of the bravest +men I have ever met. What are you doing with all that money?"</p> +<p>"Putting it down for you to cover," said Cazenove firmly.</p> +<p>Albert Edward sighed. "All right, then, if you will have it so. +William, old bean, I'm afraid I shall have to trouble you for a +trifle more out of the Mess Fund. <i>Noblesse oblige</i>, you +know."</p> +<p>MacTavish and the Babe departed with the quest to prepare his +mount for the ordeal, while Albert Edward and I sought out +Ferdinand and Isabella, our water-cart pair. Isabella was fast +asleep, curled up like a cat and purring pleasantly, but Ferdinand +was awake, meditatively gnawing through the wood-work of his stall. +With the assistance of the line-guard we saddled and bridled him; +but at the stable door he dug his toes in. It was long past his +racing hours, he gave us to understand, and his union wouldn't +permit it. He backed all round the standings, treading on recumbent +horses, tripping over bails, knocking uprights flat and bringing +acres of tin roofing clattering down upon our heads, Isabella +encouraging him with ringing fanfares of applause.</p> +<p>At length we roused out the grooms and practically carried him +to the starting-point.</p> +<p>"You've been the devil of a time," William grumbled. "Cazenove's +been waiting for twenty minutes. See that light over there? That's +where MacTavish is. He's the winning-post. Keep straight down the +mud-track towards it and you'll be all right. Don't swing sideways +or you'll get bunkered. Form line. Come up the mule. Back, +Cazenove, back! Steady. Go!"</p> +<p>The rivals clapped heels to their steeds and were swallowed up +in the night. I looked at my watch, the hands pointed to 10.30 +exactly. William and I lit cigarettes and waited. At 10.42 +MacTavish walked into us, his lamp had given out and he wanted a +new battery.</p> +<p>"Who won?" we inquired.</p> +<p>"Won?" he asked. "They haven't started yet, have they?"</p> +<p>"Left here about ten minutes ago," said William. "Do you mean to +say you've seen nothing of them?"</p> +<p>At that moment two loud voices, accompanied by the splash of +liquid and the crash of tin, struck our ears from different points +of the compass.</p> +<p>"Sounds to me as if somebody had found a watery grave over to +the left," said the Babe.</p> +<p>"Sounds to me as if somebody had returned to stables over to the +right," said I.</p> +<p>We trotted away to investigate. 'Twas as I thought; Ferdinand +had homed to his Isabella and was backing round the standings once +more, trailing the infuriated Albert Edward after him, sheets of +corrugated iron falling about them like leaves in Vallombrosa.</p> +<p>"Bolted straight in here and scraped me off against the roof," +panted the latter. "Suppose the confounded apple-fancier won ages +ago, didn't he?"</p> +<p>"He's upside down in the Tuning Fork trench system at the +present moment," said I. "The Babe and the grooms are digging him +out. If you hurry up you'll win yet."</p> +<p>We roused out the guard, bore the reluctant Ferdinand back to +the course and by eleven o'clock had restarted him. At 11.10 +William returned to report that the digging party had salved the +Cazenove pair and got them going again.</p> +<p>"Too late," said I; "Albert Edward must have won in a walk by +now. He left here at ..."</p> +<p>The resounding clatter of falling <span class="pagenum"><a name= +"page361" id="page361"></a>[pg 361]</span> sheet-iron cut short my +words. Ferdinand had, it appeared, returned to stables once +more.</p> +<p>Suddenly something hurtled out of the gloom and crashed into us. +It was the Babe.</p> +<p>"What's the matter now? Where are you going?" we asked.</p> +<p>"Wire-cutters, quick!" he gasped and hurtled onwards towards the +saddle-room.</p> +<p>"Hello there!" came the hail of MacTavish from up the course. "I +s-say, what about this blessed race? I'm f-f-rozen s-s-tiff out +here. I'm about f-f-fed up, I t-tell you."</p> +<p>William groaned. "As if we all weren't!" he protested. "If all +the Mess Funds for the next three weeks weren't involved I'd make +the silly fools chuck it. Here, you, run and tell Albert Edward to +get a move on."</p> +<p>I found Ferdinand rapidly levelling the remainder of the +standings, playing his jockey at the end of his reins as a +fisherman plays a salmon.</p> +<p>"This cursed donkey won't steer at all," Albert Edward growled. +"Sideslips all over the place like a wet tyre. Has Cazenove won +yet?"</p> +<p>"Not yet," said I. "He's wound up in the Switch Line wire +entanglements now. The Babe and the wrecking gang are busy chopping +him out. There's still time."</p> +<p>"Then drag Isabella out in front of this brute," said he. +"Quick, man, quick!"</p> +<p>At 11.43, by means of a brimming nose-bag, I had enticed +Isabella forth, and the procession started in the following order: +First, myself, dragging Isabella and dangling the bait. Secondly, +Isabella. Thirdly, the racers, Ferdinand and Albert Edward, the +latter belting Isabella with a surcingle whenever she faltered. +Lastly, the line-guard, speeding Ferdinand with a doubled +stirrup-leather. We toiled down the mud. track at an average +velocity of .25 m.p.h., halting occasionally for Isabella to feed +and the line-guard to rest his arm. I have seen faster things in my +day.</p> +<p>Then, just as we were arriving at our journey's end we collided +with another procession. It was the wrecking gang, laden with the +implements of their trade (shovels, picks, wire-cutters, ropes, +planks, waggon-jacks, etc.), and escorting in their midst Mr. +Cazenove and his battered racehorse. Both competitors immediately +claimed the victory:—</p> +<p>"Beaten you this time, Albert Edward, old man."... "On the +contrary, Charles, old chap, I won hands down."... "But, my good +fellow, I've been here for hours."... "My dear old thing, I've been +here <i>all night</i>!"... "Do be reasonable."... "Don't be +absurd."</p> +<p>"Oh, dry up, you two, and leave it to the winning-post to +decide," said William.</p> +<p>"By the way, where is the winning-post?"</p> +<p>"The winning-post," we echoed. "Yes, where is he?"</p> +<p>"Begging your pardon, Sir," came the voice of the Mess orderly, +"but if you was referring to Mister MacTavish he went home to bed +half-an-hour ago."</p> +<p class="author">PATLANDER.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/361.png"><img width="100%" src="images/361.png" alt= +"AND HERE, AUNTIE, WE GET THE SIDE ELEVATION." /></a> +<p><i>Potential President of the Royal Academy.</i> "AND HERE, +AUNTIE, WE GET THE SIDE ELEVATION."</p> +<p><i>Auntie.</i> "HOW DELIGHTFULLY THOROUGH! I'D NO IDEA THAT +ARCHITECTS DID THE SIDES AS WELL."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> +<p>"A sub-department of Scotland Yard ... which looks after Kings +and visiting potentates, Cabinet Ministers and Suffragettes, spies, +anarchists, and other 'undesirables.'"—<i>Daily +Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"The custodian smothered the ball, and after a Ruby scrimmage +the City goal escaped."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>A much prettier word than the other.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Teacher (juniors); £1 monthly."—<i>Advt. in +Liverpool Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Who says there are no prizes in the teaching profession?</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page362" id="page362"></a>[pg +362]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/362.png"><img width="100%" src="images/362.png" alt= +"OUR ARTIST GIVES HIS MODEL AN IDEA OF THE GRACE AND BEAUTY OF THE POSE HE REQUIRES OF HER." /> +</a>OUR ARTIST GIVES HIS MODEL AN IDEA OF THE GRACE AND BEAUTY OF +THE POSE HE REQUIRES OF HER.</div> +<hr /> +<h2>REVANCHE.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When I had seen ten thousand pass me by</p> +<p class="i2">And waved my arms and wearied of hallooing,</p> +<p>"Ho, taxi-meter! Taxi-meter, hi!"</p> +<p class="i2">And they hied on and there was nothing doing;</p> +<p>When I was sick of counting dud by dud</p> +<p class="i2">Bearing I know not whom—or coarse +carousers,</p> +<p>Or damsels fairer than the moss-rose bud—</p> +<p>And still more sick at having bits of mud</p> +<p class="i4">Daubed on my new dress-trousers;</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I went to dinner by the Underground</p> +<p class="i2">And every time the carriage stopped or started</p> +<p>Clung to my neighbour very tightly round</p> +<p class="i2">The neck till at Sloane Square his collar parted.</p> +<p>I saw my hostess glancing at my socks,</p> +<p class="i2">Surprised perhaps at so much clay's adherence</p> +<p>And, still unnerved by those infernal shocks,</p> +<p>Said, "I was working in my window-box;</p> +<p class="i4">Excuse my soiled appearance."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But in the morn I found a silent square</p> +<p class="i2">And one tall house with all the windows +shuttered,</p> +<p>The mansion of the Marquis of Mayfair,</p> +<p class="i2">And "Here shall be the counter-stroke," I +muttered;</p> +<p>"Shall not the noble Marquis and his kin</p> +<p class="i2">Make feast to-night in his superb refectory,</p> +<p>And then go on to see 'The Purple Sin'?</p> +<p>They shall." I sought a taxi-garage in</p> +<p class="i4">The Telephone Directory.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Ho, there!" I cried within the wooden hutch;</p> +<p class="i2">"Hammersmith House—a most absurd +dilemma—</p> +<p>His lordship's motor-cars have strained a clutch,</p> +<p class="i2">And taxis are required at 8 pip emma</p> +<p>(Six of your finest and most up-to-date,</p> +<p class="i2">With no false starts and no foul petrol leaking),</p> +<p>To bear a certain party of the great</p> +<p>To the Melpomene at ten past eight.</p> +<p class="i4">Thompson, the butler, speaking."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>They came. And I at the appointed hour</p> +<p class="i2">Watched them arrive before the muted dwelling</p> +<p>And heard some speeches full of pith and power</p> +<p class="i2">And saw them turn and go with anger swelling;</p> +<p>Save only one who, spite his rude dismay,</p> +<p class="i2">Like a whipped Hun, made traffic of his sorrow</p> +<p>And shouted, "Taxi, Sir?" I answered "Nay,</p> +<p>I do not need you, jarvey, but I may</p> +<p class="i4">Be disengaged to-morrow."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">EVOE.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>The Punishment of Greed.</h4> +<p>"Large quantity of new Block Chocolate offered cheap; cause +ill-health."—<i>Manchester Evening News.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Miss M. Albanesi, daughter of the well-known singer, Mme. +Albanesi."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Not to be confused with Mme. ALBANI, the popular novelist.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"The Portuguese retreated a step. His head flew to his +hip-pocket. But he was a fraction of a second too +late."—<i>The Scout.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Many a slip 'twixt the head and the hip.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page363" id="page363"></a>[pg +363]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/363.png"><img width="100%" src="images/363.png" alt= +"GHOSTS AT VERSAILLES." /></a> +<h3>GHOSTS AT VERSAILLES.</h3> +</div> +<hr /> +<!--Blank page 364--> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page365" id="page365"></a>[pg +365]</span> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p><i>Tuesday, April 29th.</i>—When the House of Commons +re-assembled this afternoon a good many gaps were noticeable on the +green benches. They were not due, however, to the New Year's +Honours, which made a belated appearance this morning, for not a +single Member of Parliament has been ennobled. The notion that not +one of the seven hundred is worthy of elevation is, of course, +unthinkable. But by-elections are so chancy.</p> +<p>Mr. JEREMIAH MACVEAGH still has some difficulty in realising +that the Irish centre of gravity has shifted from Westminster to +Dublin. He indignantly refused to accept an answer to one of his +questions from little Mr. PRATT, and loudly demanded the corporeal +presence of the CHIEF SECRETARY. Mr. MACPHERSON, however, considers +that his duty requires him to remain in Ireland, where Mr. +MACVEAGH'S seventy Sinn Fein colleagues are keeping him +sufficiently busy.</p> +<p>In explaining the swollen estimates of the Ministry of Labour, +Sir ROBERT HORNE pointed out that it is now charged with the +functions formerly appertaining to half-a-dozen other Departments. +He has indeed become a sort of administrative <i>Pooh-Bah</i>. +Unlike that functionary, however, he was not "born sneering." On +the contrary, he made a most sympathetic speech, chiefly devoted to +justifying the much-abused unemployment donation, which accounts +for twenty-five out of the thirty-eight millions to be spent by his +Department this year. But let no one mistake him for a mere HORNE +of Plenty, pouring out benefits indiscriminately upon the genuine +unemployed and the work-shy. He has already deprived some seventeen +thousand potential domestics of their unearned increment, and he +promises ruthless prosecution of all who try to cheat the State in +future.</p> +<p>Criticism was largely silenced by the Minister's frankness. Sir +F. BANBURY, of course, was dead against the whole policy, and +demanded the immediate withdrawal of the civilian grants; but his +uncompromising attitude found little favour. Mr. CLYNES thought it +would have been better for the State to furnish work instead of +doles, but did not explain how in that case private enterprise was +to get going. France's experience with the <i>ateliers +nationaux</i> is not encouraging, though 1919, when "demobbed" +subalterns turn up their noses at £250 a year, is not +1848.</p> +<p><i>Wednesday, April 30th.</i>—Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN, +returning to the Exchequer after an interval of thirteen years, +made a much better Budget speech than one would have expected. It +was longer, perhaps, than was absolutely necessary. Like the late +Mr. GLADSTONE, he has a tendency to digress into financial +backwaters instead of sticking to the main Pactolian stream. His +excursus upon the impracticability of a levy on capital was really +redundant, though it pleased the millionaires and reconciled them +to the screwing-up of the death-duties. Still, on the whole, he had +a more flattering tale to unfold than most of us had ventured to +anticipate, and he told it well, in spite of an occasional +confusion in his figures. After all, it must be hard for a +Chancellor who left the national expenditure at a hundred and fifty +millions and comes back to find it multiplied tenfold not to +mistake millions for thousands now and again.</p> +<p>On the whole the Committee was well pleased with his +performance, partly because the gap between revenue and expenditure +turned out to be a mere trifle of two hundred millions instead of +twice or thrice that amount; partly because there was, for once, no +increase in the income-tax; but chiefly, I think, for the +sentimental reason that in recommending a tiny preference for the +produce of the Dominions and Dependencies Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was +happily combining imperial interests with filial affection.</p> +<p>Almost casually the CHANCELLOR announced that the Land Values +Duties, the outstanding feature of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S famous Budget +of 1909, were, with the approval of their author, to be referred to +a Select Committee, to see if anything could be made of them. If +only Mr. ASQUITH had thought of that device when his brilliant +young lieutenant first propounded them! There would have been no +quarrel between the two Houses: the Parliament Act would never have +been passed, and a Home Rule Act, for which nobody in Ireland has a +good word, would not now be reposing on the Statute-Book.</p> +<p>In the absence of any EX-CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER the task of +criticism was left to Mr. ADAMSON, who was mildly aggressive and +showed a hankering after a levy on capital, not altogether easy to +reconcile with his statement that no responsible Member of the +Labour Party desired to repudiate the National Debt. Mr. JESSON, a +National Democrat, was more original and stimulating. As a +representative of the Musicians' Union he is all for harmony, and +foresees the time when Capital and Labour shall unite their forces +in one great national orchestra, under the directing baton of the +State.</p> +<p>At the instance of Lord STRACHIE the House of Lords conducted a +spirited little debate on the price of milk. It appears that there +is a conflict of jurisdiction between the FOOD-CONTROLLER and the +MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE, and that the shortage in the supply of +this commodity must be ascribed to the overlapping of the +Departments.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/365.png"><img width="100%" src="images/365.png" alt= +"YOU MAY HAVE WON THE WAR, BUT WE'VE GOT TO PAY FOR IT." /></a> +<p><i>Budget Victims.</i> "YOU MAY HAVE WON THE WAR, BUT WE'VE GOT +TO PAY FOR IT."</p> +</div> +<p><i>Thursday, May 1st.</i>—Sinn Fein has decreed that +nobody in Ireland should do any work on May Day. Messrs. DEVLIN and +MACVEAGH, however, being out of the jurisdiction, demonstrated +their independence by being busier than ever. The appointment of a +new Press Censor in Ireland furnished them with many opportunities +at Question-time for the display of their wit, which some of the +new Members seemed to find passably amusing.</p> +<p>Mr. DEVLIN'S best joke was, however, <span class= +"pagenum"><a name="page366" id="page366"></a>[pg 366]</span> +reserved for the Budget debate, when, in denouncing the further +burdens laid on stout and whisky, he declared that Ireland was, +"apart from political trouble," the most peaceful country in the +world.</p> +<p>The fiscal question always seems to invite exaggeration of +statement. The CHANCELLOR'S not very tremendous Preference +proposals were denounced by Sir DONALD MACLEAN as inevitably +leading to the taxation of food and to quarrels with foreign +countries. Colonel AMERY, on the other hand, waxed dithyrambic in +their praise, and declared that by taking twopence off Colonial tea +the Government were not only consecrating the policy of Imperial +Preference, but were "putting the coping-stone on it."</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figleft" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/366.png"><img width="100%" src="images/366.png" alt= +"HERE, MODOM, IS A CHARMING MODEL WHICH WOULD SUIT YOU, IF I MAY SO PUT IT, DOWN TO THE GROUND." /> +</a> +<p>The Minister of Labour (anxious to find work for the +ex-munitionette drawing unemployment pay). "HERE, MODOM, IS A +CHARMING MODEL WHICH WOULD SUIT YOU, IF I MAY SO PUT IT, DOWN TO +THE GROUND."</p> +</div> +<h3>A CELTIC COUNTER-BLAST.</h3> +<p>The continued domination of the Russians in the domain of the +ballet has already excited a certain amount of not unfriendly +criticism. But our Muscovite visitors are not to be allowed to have +it all their own way, and we understand that negotiations are +already on foot with a view to enabling the Irish Ballet to give a +season at a leading London theatre in the near future.</p> +<p>The Irish Ballet, which is organised on a strictly +self-determining basis, is one of the outcomes of the Irish +Theatre, but derives in its essentials directly from the school +established by Cormac, son of Art. That is to say it is in its +aims, ideals and methods permeated by the Dalecarlian, Fomorian, +Brythonic and Firbolgian impulse. Mr. Fergal Dindsenchus O'Corkery, +the Director, is a direct descendant of Cuchulinn and only uses the +Ulidian, dialect. Mr. Tordelbach O'Lochlainn, who has composed most +of the ballets in the répertoire, is a chieftain of mingled +Dalcassian and Gallgoidel descent. The scenery has been painted by +Mr. Cathal Eochaid. MacCathamhoil, and the dresses designed by Mr. +Domnall Fothud O'Conchobar.</p> +<p>The artists who compose the troupe have all been trained during +the War at the Ballybunnion School in North Kerry, and combine in a +wonderful way the sobriety of the Delsartean method with the feline +agility of that of Kilkenny. Headed by the bewitching Gormflaith +Rathbressil, and including such brilliant artists as Maeve Errigal, +Coomhoola Grits, Ethne O'Conarchy, Brigit Brandub, Corcu and Mocu, +Diarmid Hy Brasil, Murtagh MacMurchada, Aillil Molt, Mag Mell and +Donnchad Bodb, they form a galaxy of talent which, alike for the +euphony of its nomenclature and the elasticity of its technique, +has never been equalled since the days of ST. VITUS.</p> +<p>We have spoken of the work of Mr. O'Lochlainn, who is +responsible for the three-act ballet, <i>Brian Boruma</i>; a +fantasy on the Brehon laws, entitled <i>The Gardens of Goll; +Poulaphuca</i>, and the <i>Roaring of O'Rafferty;</i> but the +repertory also includes notable and impassioned compositions by +Ossian MacGillycuddy, Aghla Malachy, Carolan MacFirbis and Emer +Sidh. The orchestra employed differs in many respects from that to +which we are accustomed, the wood-wind being strengthened by a +quartet of Firbolg flutes and two Fodlaphones, while the brass is +reinforced by a bass bosthoon, an instrument of extraordinary depth +and sonority, and the percussion by a group of Dingle drums.</p> +<p>But enough has been said to show that the Irish ballet is +assured in advance of a cordial reception from all admirers of the +neo-Celtic genius.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"A Bill has been introduced in Florida providing that 'from and +after equal suffrage has been established in Florida it shall be +lawful for females to don and wear the wearing apparel of man as +now worn publicly by him.'"—<i>Western Morning News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Happily they cannot take the breeks off a Highlander.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>COLLABORATION.</h3> +<p>Biddick has placed me in a most awkward position. I am a proud +man; I cannot bring myself to accept a gift of money from anybody. +And yet I cannot help feeling I should be justified in taking the +guinea he has sent me.</p> +<p>Biddick is a journalist. I was discussing the inflation of +prices and asking his advice as to how to increase one's income. +"Why not write something for the Press, my dear fellow?" he said. +"Five hundred words with a catchy title; nothing funny—that's +<i>my</i> line—but something solid and practical with money +in it; the public's always ready for that. Take your neighbour, old +Diggles, and his mushroom-beds, for instance. Thriving local +industry—capital copy. Try your hand at half a column, and +call it 'A Fortune in Fungus.'"</p> +<p>"I 'm afraid I know nothing about mushrooms, with the exception +of the one I nearly died of," I replied, "and I'm not sufficiently +acquainted with Mr. Diggles to venture to invite his confidence +respecting his business."</p> +<p>"My dear man, I don't ask you to tell Diggles you're going to +write him up in the newspapers; he'd kick you off the premises; he +doesn't want his secrets given away to competitors. Just dodge the +old man round the sheds, get into conversation with his staff, keep +your eyes open generally and you'll pick up as much as you want for +half a column. And when you've got your notes together bring 'em +along to me. I'll put 'em shipshape for you."</p> +<p>I thanked him very gratefully.</p> +<p>The mushroom-sheds are situated in a field some distance from my +residence, and I found it rather a fatiguing walk. After tedious +watching in a cramped position through a gap in the hedge I saw Mr. +Diggles emerge from a shed and move away from my direction. I lost +no time in creeping forward under cover of my umbrella towards an +employee, who was engaged in tossing manure. I drew out my +note-book and interrogated him briefly and briskly.</p> +<p>"Do you rear from seeds or from cuttings?" I asked him. He +scratched his head and appeared in doubt. "Are your plants +self-supporting," I went on, "or do you train them on twigs? What +would be the diameter of your finest specimen?" He continued in +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page367" id="page367"></a>[pg +367]</span> doubt. I adopted a conversational manner. "I suppose +you'll be potting off soon? You must get very fond of your +mushrooms. I think one always gets fond of anything which demands +one's whole care and attention. I wonder if I might have a peep at +your <i>protégés</i>?"</p> +<p>I edged towards the door of one of the sheds, but he made no +attempt to accompany me. Instead he put his hands to his mouth and +shouted, "Hi, maister!"</p> +<p>Mr. Diggles promptly responded to the summons. There was no +eluding him. I put my note-book out of sight and inquired if he +could oblige me with a pound of fresh-culled mushrooms. He could, +and he did. I paid him four-and-sixpence for them, the control +price presumably, but he gave me no invitation to view the growing +crops. I retraced my steps without having collected even an opening +paragraph for "A Fortune in Fungus."</p> +<p>The next day found me again near the sheds. Mr. Diggles was +nowhere in sight. I approached unobtrusively through the hedge and +accosted a small boy.</p> +<p>"Hulloa, my little man," I said, "what is your department in +this hive of industry? You weed the mushrooms, perhaps, or prune +them?" He seemed shy and offered no answer. "Perhaps you hoe +between the plants or syringe them with insecticide?"</p> +<p>Still I could not win his confidence, so I tried pressing +sixpence into his palm. "Between ourselves, what are the weekly +takings?" I said. He pocketed the coin and put his finger on his +lips.</p> +<p>"<i>Belge,"</i> he said. Then he bolted into a shed and returned +accompanied by Mr. Diggles. There was nothing for it but to +purchase another pound of mushrooms. I was no nearer "A Fortune in +Fungus" than before.</p> +<p>Two days later, having received apparently reliable information +that Mr. Diggles was confined to his bed with influenza, I ventured +again to visit the sheds. I was advancing boldly across the field +when to my consternation he suddenly appeared from behind a +hayrick. I was so startled that I turned to fly, and in my +precipitancy tripped on a tussock and fell. Mr. Diggles came to my +assistance, and, when he had helped me to my feet and brushed me +down with a birch broom he was carrying, I could do nothing less +than buy another pound of his mushrooms.</p> +<p>I felt it was time to consult Biddick. He was sitting at his +desk staring at a blank sheet of paper. His fingers were harrowing +his hair and he looked distraught.</p> +<p>"Excuse the interruption," I said, "but this 'Fortune in Fungus' +is ruining me;" and I related my experience.</p> +<p>At the finish Biddick gripped my hand and spoke with some +emotion. "Dear old chap," he said, "it's my line, after all. It's +funny. If only I can do it justice;" and he shook his +fountain-pen.</p> +<p>This morning I received a guinea and a newspaper cutting +entitled "A Cadger for Copy," which may appeal to some people's +sense of humour. It makes none to mine. In the flap of the envelope +Biddick writes: "Halves, with best thanks."</p> +<p>Upon consideration I shall forward him a simple formal +receipt.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/367.png"><img width="100%" src="images/367.png" alt= +"IT LOOKS QUITE LIKE PRE-WAR BACON." /></a> +<p>"IT LOOKS QUITE LIKE PRE-WAR BACON."</p> +<p>"ON THE CONTRARY, MADAM, PERMIT ME TO ASSURE YOU IT IS OUR +FINEST 'POST-BELLUM STREAKY.'"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>From a bookseller's catalogue:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"THE ART OF TATTING.</p> +<p>This book is intended for the woman who has time to spare for +reading, Tatting being such quick and easy work that busy fingers +can do both at the same time."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>An edition in Braille would appear to be contemplated.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page368" id="page368"></a>[pg +368]</span> +<h2>THE GERM.</h2> +<p>The great Bacteriologist entered the lecture-room and ascended +the platform. A murmur of astonishment ran round the audience as +they beheld, not the haggard face of a man who daily risked the +possibility of being awarded the O.B.E., but the calm and smiling +countenance of one who had succeeded where other scientists, even +of Anglo-American reputation, had failed.</p> +<p>In an awed silence this remarkable man placed on the table a +dish, somewhat like a soup-plate in appearance, and carefully +removed its glass cover.</p> +<p>"In this dish, gentlemen," said the Professor, "we have the +Agar-Agar, which is without doubt the best bacteriological culture +medium yet discovered and is especially useful in growing a +pathogenic organism such as we are about to test this +afternoon."</p> +<p>Then taking a glass rod, to the end of which was attached a +small piece of platinum wire, the lecturer proceeded to scrape a +little of the growth from off the Agar-Agar. Having done this he +quickly deposited it in a test-tube half full of distilled water, +which he then heated over a Bunsen burner. Finally, with the aid of +a hypodermic syringe, a little of the liquid was injected into two +sleepy-looking guinea-pigs, and with bated breath the result of the +test was awaited.</p> +<p>Suddenly, without any warning, the two little animals rose on +their hind legs and violently clutched each other by any part of +the body on which they could get a grip. Before the astounded gaze +of the onlookers they swayed, nearly fell, then went round in +circles, at the same time executing every sort of conceivable +contortion.</p> +<p>A great cheer burst from the audience. From all sides a rush was +made for the platform, and the Professor was carried shoulder-high +round the room.</p> +<p>The Jazz germ had been discovered at last.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/368.png"><img width="100%" src="images/368.png" alt= +"AND YOU MAY THANK YOUR STARS I'VE GOT A MUZZLE ON!" /></a> +<p><i>Pekinese (who has been accidentally pushed into the gutter by +gigantic bloodhound).</i> "AND YOU MAY THANK YOUR STARS I'VE GOT A +MUZZLE ON!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>A Friendly Offer.</h4> +<p>"A French Gentleman would like to make acquaintance with and +English one to improve the English language."—<i>French +Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Ste. Geneviève (422-572), born just outside Paris, spent +a long life in the city."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Wherever it was spent, it was clearly a long life.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"—— College is the chosen home, the favoured haunt +of educational success. Our staff is composed of lineal descendants +of poets, seers, or savants, and it is the intention of this +formidable phalanx of intellectuals to drive the whole world before +them! We, of course, will say that these classes will be famous, +and well worth attending. In Carlyle especially, the undersigned, +with due modesty, expects to constitute himself a Memnon, and to +receive the sage of Chelsea's martial pibroch from Hades, transmit +it to the listeners, and to thrill them to the very marrow of their +bones!"—<i>Advt. in Indian Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We should like to hear what the sage's martial pibroch has to +say about the advertiser's "due modesty."</p> +<hr /> +<h2>LAXITY IN QUOTATIONS.</h2> +<p>Among the many privileges which I propose to claim as a set-off +for what are called advancing years is a greater laxity in +quotation. When I have made a quotation I mean that that shall +<i>be</i> the quotation, and I don't intend to be driven either to +the original source or to cyclopaedias of literature for +verification. DANTE, for instance, is a most prolific fount of +quotations, especially for those who do not know the original +Italian. If I have quoted the words "<i>Galeotto fu il libro e chi +lo scrisse</i>" once, I have quoted them a hundred times, always +with an excellent effect and often giving the impression that I am +an Italian scholar, which I am not. But surely it is not usual to +abstain from a quotation because to use it would give a false +impression? I am perfectly certain, for instance, that there are +plenty of Italians who quote <i>Hamlet</i>, but know no more of +English than the words they quote, so I dare say that brings us +right in the end.</p> +<p>Then there is the quotation about "a very parfitt gentil +knight," or words to that effect. At the moment of writing it down +I felt that my version was so correct that I would go to the +scaffold for it; but at this very instant a doubt insinuates +itself. Is "parfitt" with two "t's" the right spelling?</p> +<p>It is related somewhere that TENNYSON and EDWARD FITZGERALD once +conspired together to see which of them could write the most +Wordsworthian line, and that the result was:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"A Mr. Wilkinson, a clergyman."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>But there was no need for TENNYSON to go beyond his own works in +search of such an effect. He had already done the thing; and this +was his effort, which occurs in <i>The May Queen</i>:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"And that good man, the clergyman, has told me words of +peace."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>This sounds as if it could not be defeated or matched, but matched +it certainly was in <i>Enoch Arden</i>. After describing <i>Enoch +Arden's</i> death and the manner in which he "roll'd his eyes" upon +<i>Miriam</i>, the bard informs us:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"So past the strong heroic soul away.</p> +<p>And when they buried him the little port</p> +<p>Had seldom seen a costlier funeral."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>But I feel that I have strayed beyond my purpose, which was to +claim a certain mitigated accuracy in quotation for those who +suffer from advancing years.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"——, chambermaid at the —— Hotel, +——, was charged yesterday with stealing two diamond +rings and a diamond and sapphire broom worth +£80."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Yet Mr. CHAMBERLAIN refuses to impose a Luxury Tax.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>From a list of the German Peace-delegates:—"Baron von +Lersner, chief of the preliminary mission and ex-secretary of the +German Embassy in Washington. He was also formerly attached to the +German Embassy in Wales."—<i>Belfast News Letter</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>This sounds like another injustice to Ireland.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page369" id="page369"></a>[pg +369]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/369.png"><img width="100%" src="images/369.png" alt= +"DO YOU KNOW, CHILDREN, THAT AT ONE TIME, LONG AGO, WE USED TO HAVE FIVE TOES ON EACH HAND, AND LIVE IN TREES?" /> +</a> +<p><i>Scientific Uncle</i>. "DO YOU KNOW, CHILDREN, THAT AT ONE +TIME, LONG AGO, WE USED TO HAVE FIVE TOES ON EACH HAND, AND LIVE IN +TREES?"</p> +<p><i>Niece</i>. "WE WON'T TELL ANYBODY, UNCLE."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE ANNIVERSARY.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The 23rd. To-day, my son,</p> +<p class="i2">Two turgid years ago,</p> +<p>Your father battled with the Hun</p> +<p class="i2">At five A.M. or so;</p> +<p>This was the day (if I exclude</p> +<p>A year of painful servitude</p> +<p>Under the Ministry of Food)</p> +<p class="i2">I struck my final blow.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah, what a night! The cannon roared;</p> +<p class="i2">There was no food to spare;</p> +<p>And first it froze and then it poured;</p> +<p class="i2">Were we dismayed? We were.</p> +<p>Three hundred yards we went or more,</p> +<p class="i2">And, when we reached, through seas of gore,</p> +<p>The village we were fighting for,</p> +<p class="i2">The Germans were not there.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But miles behind a 9·2</p> +<p class="i2">Blew up a ration dump;</p> +<p>Far, far and wide the tinned food flew</p> +<p class="i2">From that tremendous crump:</p> +<p>And one immense and sharp-toothed tin</p> +<p>Came whistling down, to my chagrin,</p> +<p>And caught me smartly on the shin—</p> +<p class="i2">By Jove, it made me jump.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A hideous wound. The blood that flowed!</p> +<p class="i2">It was a job to dress;</p> +<p>I hobbled bravely down the road</p> +<p class="i2">And reached a C.C.S.;</p> +<p>Nor was I so obsessed with gloom</p> +<p>At leaving thus the field of doom</p> +<p>As one might easily assume</p> +<p class="i2">From stories in the Press.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Though other soldiers as they fell—</p> +<p class="i2">Or so the papers say—</p> +<p>Cried, "GEORGE for England! Give 'em hell!"</p> +<p class="i2">(It was ST. GEORGE'S Day),</p> +<p>Inspiring as a Saint can be,</p> +<p>I should not readily agree</p> +<p>That anyone detected me</p> +<p class="i2">Behaving in that way.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Such is the tale. And, year by year,</p> +<p class="i2">I shall no doubt relate</p> +<p>For your fatigued but filial ear</p> +<p class="i2">The history of this date;</p> +<p>Yet, though I do not now enhance</p> +<p>The crude events of that advance,</p> +<p>There is a wild fantastic chance</p> +<p class="i2">That they will grow more great.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>So be you certain while you may</p> +<p class="i2">Of what in fact occurred,</p> +<p>And if I have the face to say</p> +<p class="i2">On some far 23rd</p> +<p>That on this day the war was won,</p> +<p>That I despatched a single Hun,</p> +<p>Or even caught a glimpse of one—</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Don't you believe a word</i>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">A.P.H.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> +<p>"Miss —— looked sweetly pretty in an emerald-green +satin (very short) skirt, white blouse, and emerald handkerchief +tied over her head—an Irish Colleen, and a bonie one +too!"—<i>Colonial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"According to a Vienna message, the Government has introduced a +Bill dealing with the former reigning Mouse of +Austria."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Alas, poor KARL! <i>Ridiculus mus</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Wanted one hour daily from ten to eleven morning at convenience +an English Talking Family for practice of talking. Remuneration +twenty rupees per mensem."—<i>Times of India</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We know one or two "talking families" that we should be glad to +export.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"In finding the defendant £3, Mr. Price told the defendant +that he would get into serious trouble if he persisted in his +conduct."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>And he may not meet such a generous magistrate next time.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Englishman, well educated, desires afternoon engagement; +experienced in the care of children; good needlewoman; or would +assist light housework."—<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We hope we shall hear no further complaints from Canada that +Englishmen are not adaptable.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page370" id="page370"></a>[pg +370]</span> +<h3>COMMUNICATIONS.</h3> +<p>I was sitting in the Club, comfortably concealed by sheets of a +well-known journal, when two voices, somewhere over the parados of +the deep arm-chair, broke in upon my semi-consciousness.</p> +<p>"... Then poor old Tubby, who hasn't recovered from his 1918 +dose of shell-shock, got a go of claustrophobia and felt he simply +had to get out of the train."</p> +<p>The speaker paused and I heard the clink of glass.</p> +<p>"Well?" said the other voice.</p> +<p>"So, before we could flatten him out, he skipped up and pulled +the communicator thing and stopped the train; consequently we ran +into Town five minutes behind time. There was the deuce of a buzz +about it."</p> +<p>"What's five minutes in this blissful land of lotus-eaters? Why, +I've known the Calais-Wipers express lose itself for half-a-day +without a murmur from anyone, unless the Brigadier had run out of +bottled Bass."</p> +<p>"But, my dear fellow," the first voice expostulated, "this was +the great West of England non-stop Swallowtail; runs into Town +three minutes ahead of time every trip. Habitués of the line +often turn an honest penny by laying odds on its punctuality with +people who are strangers to the reputation of this flier."</p> +<p>"A pretty safe thing to bet on, eh?" said the other voice. Again +there was the faint clink of glass and then the voices drifted into +other topics, to which, having re-enveloped myself in my paper, I +became oblivious.</p> +<p>A few days later I was called away from London, with Mr. Westaby +Jones, to consult in a matter of business. Mr. Westaby Jones is a +member of the Stock Exchange and, amongst other trivial failings, +he possesses one which is not altogether unknown in his profession. +He cannot resist a small wager. On several occasions he has gambled +with me and shown himself to be a gentleman of considerable +acumen.</p> +<p>Our business was finished and we were on the way back to Town by +the great West of England non-stop Swallowtail. We had lunched well +and discussed everything there was to discuss. It was a moment for +rest. I unfolded my paper and proceeded to envelop myself in the +usual way.</p> +<p>I seemed to hear the chink of glasses ... a voice murmured, "A +pretty safe thing to bet on."</p> +<p>Then in a dreamy sort of manner I realised that Fate had +delivered Westaby Jones into my hands. When we were within twenty +miles of London I opened the campaign. I grossly abused the line on +which we were travelling and suggested that anybody could make a +fortune by assuming that its best train would roll in well after +the scheduled time.</p> +<p>Westaby Jones, having privily ascertained that the engine-driver +had a minute or so in hand, immediately pinned me down to what he +thought (but wisely did not say) were the wild inaccuracies of an +imbecile. He did it to the extent of twenty-five pounds, and I sat +back with the comfortable feeling of a man who will shortly have a +small legacy to expend. At the moment which I had calculated to be +most auspicious I suddenly threw off the semblance of boredom, rose +up, lurched across the carriage and pulled the communication cord. +(For the benefit of those who have not done this I may say that the +cord comes away pleasantly in the hand and, at the same time, gives +one a piquant feeling of unofficial responsibility.) Westaby Jones +was, for a stockbroker, obviously astonished.</p> +<p>"What on earth are you doing?" he exclaimed.</p> +<p>"Sit down," I said; "this is my improved exerciser."</p> +<p>"But you'll stop the train," he shouted.</p> +<p>"Never mind," I replied; "what's a fine of five pounds compared +to physical fitness? Besides," I added significantly, "it may be a +good investment after all."</p> +<p>For perhaps twenty seconds there was the silent tension of +expectation in the air and then I realised with a shock that the +train did not show any signs of slackening speed. It was, if +anything, going faster. I snatched frantically at the cord and +pulled about half-a-furlong into the carriage. We flashed past +Ealing like a rocket, and I desperately drew in coils and coils of +the communicator until I and Westaby Jones resembled the Laocoon. +It was no good. Smoothly and irresistibly we glided into the +terminus and drew up at the platform three minutes ahead of +time.</p> +<p>I have paid Westaby Jones, who was unmannerly enough to look +pleased. I have also corresponded with the railway company, +claiming damages on the grounds of culpable negligence. +Unfortunately they require more evidence than I am prepared to +supply of the reasonable urgency of my action.</p> +<hr /> +<p>From a theatre programme:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"The name of the actual and responsible Manager of the premises +must be printed at least once during every performance to ensure +its being in proper order."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>So that explains the noise going on behind the scenes.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>NATURE NOTES.</h3> +<p>The Cuckoo has arrived and will sing as announced.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>One of the results of the arrival of the Cuckoo is the +prevalence of notices, for those that have eyes to see, drawing +attention to the ineligible character of nests. These take a +variety of forms—such as "All the discomforts of home," +"Beware of mumps," "We have lost our worm cards," "Serious +lining-shortage"—but the purpose of each is to discourage the +Cuckoo from depositing an egg where it is not wanted.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>From all parts of the country information reaches us as to the +odd nesting-places of wrens and robins. A curious feature is the +number of cases where letter-boxes have been chosen, thus +preventing the delivery of letters, and in consequence explaining +why so many letters have not been answered. Even the biggest +dilatory correspondent is not ashamed to take advantage of the +smallest bird.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The difficulty of obtaining muzzles is very general and many +dog-owners have been hard put to it to comply with the regulation. +From these, however, must be excepted those who possess wire-haired +terriers, from whose coats an admirable muzzle can be extracted in +a few minutes.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The statement of a telephone operator, that "everything gives +way to trunks," is said to have caused great satisfaction in the +elephant house at the Zoo.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>PLEASE.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Please be careful where you tread,</p> +<p class="i2">The fairies are about;</p> +<p>Last night, when I had gone to bed,</p> +<p class="i2">I heard them creeping out.</p> +<p>And wouldn't it be a dreadful thing</p> +<p class="i2">To do a fairy harm?</p> +<p>To crush a little delicate wing</p> +<p class="i2">Or bruise a tiny arm?</p> +<p>They 're all about the place, I know,</p> +<p>So do be careful where you go.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Please be careful what you say,</p> +<p class="i2">They're often very near,</p> +<p>And though they turn their heads away</p> +<p class="i2">They cannot help but hear.</p> +<p>And think how terribly you would mind</p> +<p class="i2">If, even for a joke,</p> +<p>You said a thing that seemed unkind</p> +<p class="i2">To the dear little fairy folk.</p> +<p>I'm sure they're simply everywhere,</p> +<p>So <i>promise</i> me that you'll take care.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">R.F.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page371" id="page371"></a>[pg +371]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/371.png"><img width="100%" src="images/371.png" alt= +"'TISN'T 'COS I LOVE YOU--IT'S 'COS YOU SMELL SO NICE." /></a> +<p><i>Harold (after a violent display of affection).</i> "'TISN'T +'COS I LOVE YOU—IT'S 'COS YOU SMELL SO NICE."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned +Clerks.)</i></p> +<p>The Great Man is, I suppose, among the most difficult themes to +treat convincingly in fiction. To name but one handicap, the author +has in such cases to postulate at least some degree of acquaintance +on the part of the reader with his celebrated subject. "Everyone is +now familiar," he will observe, "with the sensational triumph +achieved by the work of X——;" whereat the reader, +uneasily conscious of never having heard of him, inclines to +condemn the whole business beforehand as an impossible fable. I +fancy Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM felt something of this difficulty with +regard to the protagonist of his quaintly-called <i>The Moon and +Sixpence</i> (HEINEMANN), since, for all his sly pretence of +quoting imaginary authorities, we have really only his unsupported +word for the superlative genius of <i>Charles Strickland</i>, the +stockbroker who abandoned respectable London to become a +Post-impressionist master, a vagabond and ultimately a Pacific +Islander. The more credit then to Mr. MAUGHAM that he does quite +definitely make us accept the fellow at his valuation. He owes +this, perhaps, to the unsparing realism of the portrait. Heartless, +utterly egotistical, without conscience or scruple or a single +redeeming feature beyond the one consuming purpose of his art, +<i>Strickland</i> is alive as few figures in recent fiction have +been; a genuinely great though repellent personality—a man +whom it would have been at once an event to have met and a pleasure +to have kicked. Mr. MAUGHAM has certainly done nothing better than +this book about him; the drily sardonic humour of his method makes +the picture not only credible but compelling. I liked especially +the characteristic touch that shows <i>Strickland</i> escaping, not +so much from the dull routine of stockbroking (genius has done that +often enough in stories before now) as from the pseudo-artistic +atmosphere of a flat in Westminster and a wife who collected blue +china and mild celebrities. <i>Mrs. Strickland</i> indeed is among +the best of the slighter characters in a tale with a singularly +small cast; though it is, of course, by the central figure that it +stands or falls. My own verdict is an unhesitating <i>stet</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If there be any who still cherish a pleasant memory of the +Bonnie Prince CHARLIE of the Jacobite legend, Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S +<i>Mr. Misfortunate</i> (COLLINS) will dispose of it. She gives us +a study of the YOUNG PRETENDER in the decade following Culloden. +Figures such as LOCHIEL, KEITH, GORING, the dour KELLY, HENRY +STUART, LOUIS XV., with sundry courtiers and mistresses, move +across the film. I should say the author's sympathy is with her +main subject, but her conscience is too much for her. I find myself +increasingly exercised over this conscience of Miss BOWEN'S. She +seems to me to be deliberately committing herself to what I can +only describe as a staccato method. This was notably the case with +<i>The Burning Glass</i>, her last novel. Her narratives no longer +seem to flow. She will give you catalogues of furniture and +raiment, with short scenes interspersed, for all the world as if +she were transcribing from carefully taken notes. Quite probably +she is, and I am being authentically instructed and should be duly +grateful, but I find myself longing for the exuberance of her +earlier method. I feel quite sure this competent author can find a +way of respecting historical truth without killing the full-blooded +flavour of romance.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is a smack of the Early Besantine about the earnest +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page372" id="page372"></a>[pg +372]</span> scion of a noble house who decides to share the lives +and lot of common and unwashed men with an eye to the imminent +appearance of the True Spirit of Democracy in our midst. Such a one +is the hero of Miss MAUD DIVER'S latest novel, <i>Strange Roads</i> +(CONSTABLE); but it is only fair to say that <i>Derek Blunt</i> +(<i>né</i> Blount), second son of the <i>Earl of +Avonleigh</i>, is no prig, but, on the contrary, a very pleasant +fellow. For a protagonist he obtrudes himself only moderately in a +rather discursive story which involves a number of other people who +do nothing in particular over a good many chapters. We are halfway +through before <i>Derek</i> takes the plunge, and then we find, +him, not in the slums of some industrial quarter, but in Western +Canada, where class distinctions are founded less on soap than on +simoleons. At the end of the volume the War has "bruk out," and our +hero, apart from having led a healthy outdoor life and chivalrously +married and been left a widower by a pathetic child with +consumption and no morals, is just about where he started. I say +"at the end of the volume," for there I find a publisher's note to +the effect that in consequence of the paper shortage the further +adventures of our hero have been postponed to a subsequent volume. +It is to be entitled <i>The Strong Hours</i>, and will doubtless +provide a satisfactory <i>raison d'être</i> for all the other +people who did nothing in particular in Vol. I.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If you had numbered <i>Elizabeth</i>, the heroine of <i>A Maiden +in Malaya</i> (MELROSE), among your friends, I can fancy your +calling upon her to "hear about her adventures in the East." I can +see her delightedly telling you of the voyage, of the people she +met on board (including the charming young man upon whom you would +already have congratulated her), of how he and she bought curios at +Port Said, of her arrival, of her sister's children and their +quaint sayings, of Singapore and its sights, of Malaya and how she +was taken to see the tapping on a rubber plantation—here I +picture a gleam of revived interest, possibly financial in origin, +appearing in your face—of the club, of dinner parties and a +thousand other details, all highly entertaining to herself and +involving a sufficiency of native words to impress the +stay-at-home. And perhaps, just as you were considering your chance +of an escape before tea, she would continue "and now I must tell +you all about the dreadful time I had in the rising!" which she +would then vivaciously proceed to do; and not only that, but all +about the dreadful time (the same dreadful time) that all her +friends had in the same rising, chapters of it, so that in the end +it might be six o'clock or later before you got away. I hope this +is not an unfair <i>résumé</i> of the impression +produced upon me by Miss ISOBEL MOUNTAIN'S prattling pages. To sum +up, if you have an insatiable curiosity for the small talk of other +people's travel, <i>A Maiden in Malaya</i> may not prove too much +for it. If otherwise, otherwise.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I wish Col. JOHN BUCHAN could have been jogging Mrs. A.C. +INCHBOLD'S elbow while she was writing <i>Love and the Crescent</i> +(HUTCHINSON), All the essential people in his <i>Greenmantle</i>, +which deals, towards the end at any rate, with just about the same +scenes and circumstances as her story, are so confoundedly +efficient, have so undeniably learnt the trick of making the most +of their dashing opportunities. In Mrs. INCHBOLD's book the trouble +is that with much greater advantages in the way of local knowledge +and with all manner of excitement, founded on fact, going +a-begging, nothing really thrilling or convincing ever quite +materialises. The heroine, Armenian and beautiful, is as +ineffective as the hero, who is French and heroic, both of them +displaying the same unfortunate tendency to be carried off captive +by the other side and to indulge in small talk when they should be +most splendid. And the majority of the other figures follow suit. +On the face of it the volume is stuffed with all the material of +melodrama; but somehow the authoress seems to strive after effects +that don't come naturally to her. What does come naturally to her +is seen in a background sketch of the unhappy countries of Asia +Minor in the hands of the Turk and the Hun, which is so much the +abler part of the book that one would almost rather the too +intrusive narrative were brushed aside entirely. Personally, at any +rate, I think I should prefer Mrs. INCHBOLD in essay or historical +form.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Madame ALBANESI, in <i>Tony's Wife</i> (HOLDEN AND HARDINGHAM), +has provided her admirers with a goodly collection of sound +Albanesians, but she has also given them a villain in whom, I +cannot help thinking, they will find themselves hard-pressed to +believe. <i>Richard Savile</i> was deprived of a great inheritance +by <i>Tony's</i> birth, and as his guardian spent long years in +nourishing revenge. He was not, we know, the first guardian to play +this game, but that he could completely deceive so many people for +such a long time seems to prove him far cleverer than appears from +any actual evidence furnished. If, however, this portrait is not in +the artist's best manner, I can praise without reserve the picture +of <i>Lady Féo</i>, a little Society butterfly, very +frivolous on the surface, but concealing a lot of nice intuition +and sympathy, and I welcome her as a set-off to the silly +caricatures we commonly get of the class to which she belonged. Let +me add that in the telling of this tale Madame ALBANESI retains her +quiet and individual charm.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/372.png"><img width="100%" src="images/372.png" alt= +" A MARCH-PAST AS PORTRAYED BY OUR TYPIST ON HER MACHINE." /></a>A +MARCH-PAST AS PORTRAYED BY OUR TYPIST ON HER MACHINE.</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>A Curious Romanian Custom.</h4> +<p>"The two white doves which were perched in the wedding carriage +excited much interest. They were given, following the pretty +Roumanian cuckoo, to the bride and bridegroom by the people of +Roumania to symbolise the happiness and peace which are hoped to +the newly-married couple."—<i>North Mail</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"A ROMANTIC COURTSHIP IN TURKEY.</p> +<p>Miss —— visited Colonel —— when boat, +money, a hiding-place in Constantinople last summer suffering from +smallpox."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>There seem here to be all the elements of romance, but the story +suffers from overmuch compression. We shall wait to see it on the +film.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12079 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12079-h/images/353.png b/12079-h/images/353.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c40edc5 --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/353.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/355.png b/12079-h/images/355.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a0cf511 --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/355.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/356.png b/12079-h/images/356.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed01016 --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/356.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/357.png b/12079-h/images/357.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..00f3576 --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/357.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/358.png b/12079-h/images/358.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..91cfa5f --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/358.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/359.png b/12079-h/images/359.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2901a6f --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/359.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/361.png b/12079-h/images/361.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d2ebb70 --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/361.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/362.png b/12079-h/images/362.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7c480f --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/362.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/363.png b/12079-h/images/363.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6765682 --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/363.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/365.png b/12079-h/images/365.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6b37c24 --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/365.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/366.png b/12079-h/images/366.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..90c0edc --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/366.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/367.png b/12079-h/images/367.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d3f708c --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/367.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/368.png b/12079-h/images/368.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6159fe --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/368.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/369.png b/12079-h/images/369.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..08dcffe --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/369.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/371.png b/12079-h/images/371.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eb80d89 --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/371.png diff --git a/12079-h/images/372.png b/12079-h/images/372.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce2411a --- /dev/null +++ b/12079-h/images/372.png |
