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+Project Gutenberg's Gargantua and Pantagruel, Complete., by Francois Rabelais
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Complete.
+       Five Books Of The Lives, Heroic Deeds And Sayings Of Gargantua And
+       His Son Pantagruel
+       
+
+Author: Francois Rabelais
+
+Release Date: August 8, 2004 [EBook #1200]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS
+
+
+FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF
+
+GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL
+
+
+
+Translated into English by
+
+Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty
+
+and
+
+Peter Antony Motteux
+
+
+
+
+The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the
+first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation.  Footnotes initialled 'M.'
+are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the
+translator.  Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in
+1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship.
+Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708.  Occasionally (as
+the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from
+the 1738 copy edited by Ozell.
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+Introduction
+
+THE FIRST BOOK.
+
+J. De la Salle, to the Honoured, Noble Translator of Rabelais.
+
+Rablophila
+
+The Author's Prologue to the First Book
+
+Rabelais to the Reader
+
+Chapter 1.I.--Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua
+
+Chapter 1.II.--The Antidoted Fanfreluches:  or, a Galimatia of extravagant
+Conceits found in an ancient Monument
+
+Chapter 1.III.--How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother's
+belly
+
+Chapter 1.IV.--How Gargamelle, being great with Gargantua, did eat a huge
+deal of tripes
+
+Chapter 1.V.--The Discourse of the Drinkers
+
+Chapter 1.VI.--How Gargantua was born in a strange manner
+
+Chapter 1.VII.--After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, and how
+he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can
+
+Chapter 1.VIII.--How they apparelled Gargantua
+
+Chapter 1.IX.--The colours and liveries of Gargantua
+
+Chapter 1.X.--Of that which is signified by the colours white and blue
+
+Chapter 1.XI.--Of the youthful age of Gargantua
+
+Chapter 1.XII.--Of Gargantua's wooden horses
+
+Chapter 1.XIII.--How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to
+his father Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech
+
+Chapter 1.XIV.--How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister
+
+Chapter 1.XV.--How Gargantua was put under other schoolmasters
+
+Chapter 1.XVI.--How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great mare
+that he rode on; how she destroyed the oxflies of the Beauce
+
+Chapter 1.XVII.--How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and how
+he took away the great bells of Our Lady's Church
+
+Chapter 1.XVIII.--How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover
+the great bells
+
+Chapter 1.XIX.--The oration of Master Janotus de Bragmardo for recovery of
+the bells
+
+Chapter 1.XX.--How the Sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a
+suit in law against the other masters
+
+Chapter 1.XXI.--The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his
+schoolmasters the Sophisters
+
+Chapter 1.XXII.--The games of Gargantua
+
+Chapter 1.XXIII.--How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in such
+sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour of the day
+
+Chapter 1.XXIV.--How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather
+
+Chapter 1.XXV.--How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the
+cake-bakers of Lerne, and those of Gargantua's country, whereupon were
+waged great wars
+
+Chapter 1.XXVI.--How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the commandment of
+Picrochole their king, assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly
+and on a sudden
+
+Chapter 1.XXVII.--How a monk of Seville saved the close of the abbey from
+being ransacked by the enemy
+
+Chapter 1.XXVIII.--How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock
+Clermond, and of Grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the
+undertaking of war
+
+Chapter 1.XXIX.--The tenour of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his
+son Gargantua
+
+Chapter 1.XXX.--How Ulric Gallet was sent unto Picrochole
+
+Chapter 1.XXXI.--The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole
+
+Chapter 1.XXXII.--How Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be
+restored
+
+Chapter 1.XXXIII.--How some statesmen of Picrochole, by hairbrained
+counsel, put him in extreme danger
+
+Chapter 1.XXXIV.--How Gargantua left the city of Paris to succour his
+country, and how Gymnast encountered with the enemy
+
+Chapter 1.XXXV.--How Gymnast very souply and cunningly killed Captain
+Tripet and others of Picrochole's men
+
+Chapter 1.XXXVI.--How Gargantua demolished the castle at the ford of Vede,
+and how they passed the ford
+
+Chapter 1.XXXVII.--How Gargantua, in combing his head, made the great
+cannon-balls fall out of his hair
+
+Chapter 1.XXXVIII.--How Gargantua did eat up six pilgrims in a salad
+
+Chapter 1.XXXIX.--How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial
+discourse they had at supper
+
+Chapter 1.XL.--Why monks are the outcasts of the world; and wherefore some
+have bigger noses than others
+
+Chapter 1.XLI.--How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours and
+breviaries
+
+Chapter 1.XLII.--How the Monk encouraged his fellow-champions, and how he
+hanged upon a tree
+
+Chapter 1.XLIII.--How the scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were met with
+by Gargantua, and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth, and then was taken
+prisoner by his enemies
+
+Chapter 1.XLIV.--How the Monk rid himself of his keepers, and how
+Picrochole's forlorn hope was defeated
+
+Chapter 1.XLV.--How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of
+the good words that Grangousier gave them
+
+Chapter 1.XLVI.--How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchfaucet his
+prisoner
+
+Chapter 1.XLVII.--How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touchfaucet
+slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole
+
+Chapter 1.XLVIII.--How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within the rock
+Clermond, and utterly defeated the army of the said Picrochole
+
+Chapter 1.XLIX.--How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes,
+and what Gargantua did after the battle
+
+Chapter 1.L.--Gargantua's speech to the vanquished
+
+Chapter 1.LI.--How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the
+battle
+
+Chapter 1.LII.--How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of
+Theleme
+
+Chapter 1.LIII.--How the abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed
+
+Chapter 1.LIV.--The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme
+
+Chapter 1.LV.--What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had
+
+Chapter 1.LVI.--How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme
+were apparelled
+
+Chapter 1.LVII.--How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of
+living
+
+Chapter 1.LVIII.--A prophetical Riddle
+
+
+
+THE SECOND BOOK.
+
+For the Reader
+
+Mr. Hugh Salel to Rabelais
+
+The Author's Prologue
+
+Chapter 2.I.--Of the original and antiquity of the great Pantagruel
+
+Chapter 2.II.--Of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel
+
+Chapter 2.III.--Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the decease
+of his wife Badebec
+
+Chapter 2.IV.--Of the infancy of Pantagruel
+
+Chapter 2.V.--Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful age
+
+Chapter 2.VI.--How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who too affectedly did
+counterfeit the French language
+
+Chapter 2.VII.--How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice books of
+the Library of St. Victor
+
+Chapter 2.VIII.--How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received letters from his
+father Gargantua, and the copy of them
+
+Chapter 2.IX.--How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his lifetime
+
+Chapter 2.X.--How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a controversy, which
+was wonderfully obscure and difficult, that, by reason of his just decree
+therein, he was reputed to have a most admirable judgment
+
+Chapter 2.XI.--How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead before
+Pantagruel without an attorney
+
+Chapter 2.XII.--How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel
+
+Chapter 2.XIII.--How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of the
+two lords
+
+Chapter 2.XIV.--How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the
+hands of the Turks
+
+Chapter 2.XV.--How Panurge showed a very new way to build the walls of
+Paris
+
+Chapter 2.XVI.--Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge
+
+Chapter 2.XVII.--How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women,
+and of the suit in law which he had at Paris
+
+Chapter 2.XVIII.--How a great scholar of England would have argued against
+Pantagruel, and was overcome by Panurge
+
+Chapter 2.XIX.--How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman that argued by
+signs
+
+Chapter 2.XX.--How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge
+
+Chapter 2.XXI.--How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris
+
+Chapter 2.XXII.--How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased
+her not very well
+
+Chapter 2.XXIII.--How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news that the
+Dipsodes had invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the
+leagues are so short in France
+
+Chapter 2.XXIV.--A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a
+lady of Paris, together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold
+ring
+
+Chapter 2.XXV.--How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, the
+gentlemen attendants of Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited six hundred
+and threescore horsemen very cunningly
+
+Chapter 2.XXVI.--How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still
+salt meats; and how Carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison
+
+Chapter 2.XXVII.--How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their
+valour, and Panurge another in remembrance of the hares.  How Pantagruel
+likewise with his farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women;
+and how Panurge broke a great staff over two glasses
+
+Chapter 2.XXVIII.--How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the
+Dipsodes and the Giants
+
+Chapter 2.XXIX.--How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants armed
+with free-stone, and Loupgarou their captain
+
+Chapter 2.XXX.--How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed
+by Panurge, and of the news which he brought from the devils, and of the
+damned people in hell
+
+Chapter 2.XXXI.--How Pantagruel entered into the city of the Amaurots, and
+how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying hag, and made
+him a crier of green sauce
+
+Chapter 2.XXXII.--How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and
+what the author saw in his mouth
+
+Chapter 2.XXXIII.--How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was
+recovered
+
+Chapter 2.XXXIV.--The conclusion of this present book, and the excuse of
+the author
+
+
+
+THE THIRD BOOK.
+
+Francois Rabelais to the Soul of the Deceased Queen of Navarre
+
+The Author's Prologue
+
+Chapter 3.I.--How Pantagruel transported a colony of Utopians into Dipsody
+
+Chapter 3.II.--How Panurge was made Laird of Salmigondin in Dipsody, and
+did waste his revenue before it came in
+
+Chapter 3.III.--How Panurge praiseth the debtors and borrowers
+
+Chapter 3.IV.--Panurge continueth his discourse in the praise of borrowers
+and lenders
+
+Chapter 3.V.--How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and borrowers
+
+Chapter 3.VI.--Why new married men were privileged from going to the wars
+
+Chapter 3.VII.--How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and forbore to wear any
+longer his magnificent codpiece
+
+Chapter 3.VIII.--Why the codpiece is held to be the chief piece of armour
+amongst warriors
+
+Chapter 3.IX.--How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel whether he should
+marry, yea, or no
+
+Chapter 3.X.--How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the difficulty of
+giving advice in the matter of marriage; and to that purpose mentioneth
+somewhat of the Homeric and Virgilian lotteries
+
+Chapter 3.XI.--How Pantagruel showeth the trial of one's fortune by the
+throwing of dice to be unlawful
+
+Chapter 3.XII.--How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian lottery what
+fortune Panurge shall have in his marriage
+
+Chapter 3.XIII.--How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or
+bad luck of his marriage by dreams
+
+Chapter 3.XIV.--Panurge's dream, with the interpretation thereof
+
+Chapter 3.XV.--Panurge's excuse and exposition of the monastic mystery
+concerning powdered beef
+
+Chapter 3.XVI.--How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the Sibyl
+of Panzoust
+
+Chapter 3.XVII.--How Panurge spoke to the Sibyl of Panzoust
+
+Chapter 3.XVIII.--How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversely expound the
+verses of the Sibyl of Panzoust
+
+Chapter 3.XIX.--How Pantagruel praiseth the counsel of dumb men
+
+Chapter 3.XX.--How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge
+
+Chapter 3.XXI.--How Panurge consulteth with an old French poet, named
+Raminagrobis
+
+Chapter 3.XXII.--How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth the Order of the
+Begging Friars
+
+Chapter 3.XXIII.--How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to Raminagrobis
+
+Chapter 3.XXIV.--How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon
+
+Chapter 3.XXV.--How Panurge consulteth with Herr Trippa
+
+Chapter 3.XXVI.--How Panurge consulteth with Friar John of the Funnels
+
+Chapter 3.XXVII.--How Friar John merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge
+
+Chapter 3.XXVIII.--How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter
+of cuckoldry
+
+Chapter 3.XXIX.--How Pantagruel convocated together a theologian,
+physician, lawyer, and philosopher, for extricating Panurge out of the
+perplexity wherein he was
+
+Chapter 3.XXX.--How the theologue, Hippothadee, giveth counsel to Panurge
+in the matter and business of his nuptial enterprise
+
+Chapter 3.XXXI.--How the physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge
+
+Chapter 3.XXXII.--How Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one of
+the appendances of marriage
+
+Chapter 3.XXXIII.--Rondibilis the physician's cure of cuckoldry
+
+Chapter 3.XXXIV.--How women ordinarily have the greatest longing after
+things prohibited
+
+Chapter 3.XXXV.--How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of
+marriage
+
+Chapter 3.XXXVI.--A continuation of the answer of the Ephectic and
+Pyrrhonian philosopher Trouillogan
+
+Chapter 3.XXXVII.--How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel of a
+fool
+
+Chapter 3.XXXVIII.--How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by Pantagruel and
+Panurge
+
+Chapter 3.XXXIX.--How Pantagruel was present at the trial of Judge
+Bridlegoose, who decided causes and controversies in law by the chance and
+fortune of the dice
+
+Chapter 3.XL.--How Bridlegoose giveth reasons why he looked upon those law-
+actions which he decided by the chance of the dice
+
+Chapter 3.XLI.--How Bridlegoose relateth the history of the reconcilers of
+parties at variance in matters of law
+
+Chapter 3.XLII.--How suits at law are bred at first, and how they come
+afterwards to their perfect growth
+
+Chapter 3.XLIII.--How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the matter of
+sentencing actions at law by the chance of the dice
+
+Chapter 3.XLIV.--How Pantagruel relateth a strange history of the
+perplexity of human judgment
+
+Chapter 3.XLV.--How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet
+
+Chapter 3.XLVI.--How Pantagruel and Panurge diversely interpret the words
+of Triboulet
+
+Chapter 3.XLVII.--How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a visit to
+the Oracle of the Holy Bottle
+
+Chapter 3.XLVIII.--How Gargantua showeth that the children ought not to
+marry without the special knowledge and advice of their fathers and mothers
+
+Chapter 3.XLIX.--How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to
+sea; and of the herb named Pantagruelion
+
+Chapter 3.L.--How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought
+
+Chapter 3.LI.--Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the admirable virtues
+thereof
+
+Chapter 3.LII.--How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature that
+the fire is not able to consume it
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH BOOK.
+
+The Translator's Preface
+
+The Author's Epistle Dedicatory
+
+The Author's Prologue
+
+Chapter 4.I.--How Pantagruel went to sea to visit the oracle of Bacbuc,
+alias the Holy Bottle
+
+Chapter 4.II.--How Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island of
+Medamothy
+
+Chapter 4.III.--How Pantagruel received a letter from his father Gargantua,
+and of the strange way to have speedy news from far distant places
+
+Chapter 4.IV.--How Pantagruel writ to his father Gargantua, and sent him
+several curiosities
+
+Chapter 4.V.--How Pantagruel met a ship with passengers returning from
+Lantern-land
+
+Chapter 4.VI.--How, the fray being over, Panurge cheapened one of
+Dingdong's sheep
+
+Chapter 4.VII.--Which if you read you'll find how Panurge bargained with
+Dingdong
+
+Chapter 4.VIII.--How Panurge caused Dingdong and his sheep to be drowned in
+the sea
+
+Chapter 4.IX.--How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Ennasin, and of the
+strange ways of being akin in that country
+
+Chapter 4.X.--How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Chely, where he
+saw King St. Panigon
+
+Chapter 4.XI.--Why monks love to be in kitchens
+
+Chapter 4.XII.--How Pantagruel passed by the land of Pettifogging, and of
+the strange way of living among the Catchpoles
+
+Chapter 4.XIII.--How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basche
+commended his servants
+
+Chapter 4.XIV.--A further account of catchpoles who were drubbed at
+Basche's house
+
+Chapter 4.XV.--How the ancient custom at nuptials is renewed by the
+catchpole
+
+Chapter 4.XVI.--How Friar John made trial of the nature of the catchpoles
+
+Chapter 4.XVII.--How Pantagruel came to the islands of Tohu and Bohu; and
+of the strange death of Wide-nostrils, the swallower of windmills
+
+Chapter 4.XVIII.--How Pantagruel met with a great storm at sea
+
+Chapter 4.XIX.--What countenances Panurge and Friar John kept during the
+storm
+
+Chapter 4.XX.--How the pilots were forsaking their ships in the greatest
+stress of weather
+
+Chapter 4.XXI.--A continuation of the storm, with a short discourse on the
+subject of making testaments at sea
+
+Chapter 4.XXII.--An end of the storm
+
+Chapter 4.XXIII.--How Panurge played the good fellow when the storm was
+over
+
+Chapter 4.XXIV.--How Panurge was said to have been afraid without reason
+during the storm
+
+Chapter 4.XXV.--How, after the storm, Pantagruel went on shore in the
+islands of the Macreons
+
+Chapter 4.XXVI.--How the good Macrobius gave us an account of the mansion
+and decease of the heroes
+
+Chapter 4.XXVII.--Pantagruel's discourse of the decease of heroic souls;
+and of the dreadful prodigies that happened before the death of the late
+Lord de Langey
+
+Chapter 4.XXVIII.--How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the death of
+the heroes
+
+Chapter 4.XXIX.--How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking Island, where
+Shrovetide reigned
+
+Chapter 4.XXX.--How Shrovetide is anatomized and described by Xenomanes
+
+Chapter 4.XXXI.--Shrovetide's outward parts anatomized
+
+Chapter 4.XXXII.--A continuation of Shrovetide's countenance
+
+Chapter 4.XXXIII.--How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous physeter, or
+whirlpool, near the Wild Island
+
+Chapter 4.XXXIV.--How the monstrous physeter was slain by Pantagruel
+
+Chapter 4.XXXV.--How Pantagruel went on shore in the Wild Island, the
+ancient abode of the Chitterlings
+
+Chapter 4.XXXVI.--How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambuscado for
+Pantagruel
+
+Chapter 4.XXXVII.--How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maul-chitterling and
+Colonel Cut-pudding; with a discourse well worth your hearing about the
+names of places and persons
+
+Chapter 4.XXXVIII.--How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men
+
+Chapter 4.XXXIX.--How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight the
+Chitterlings
+
+Chapter 4.XL.--How Friar John fitted up the sow; and of the valiant cooks
+that went into it
+
+Chapter 4.XLI.--How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees
+
+Chapter 4.XLII.--How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth, Queen of the
+Chitterlings
+
+Chapter 4.XLIII.--How Pantagruel went into the island of Ruach
+
+Chapter 4.XLIV.--How small rain lays a high wind
+
+Chapter 4.XLV.--How Pantagruel went ashore in the island of Pope-Figland
+
+Chapter 4.XLVI.--How a junior devil was fooled by a husbandman of Pope-
+Figland
+
+Chapter 4.XLVII.--How the devil was deceived by an old woman of Pope-
+Figland
+
+Chapter 4.XLVIII.--How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Papimany
+
+Chapter 4.XLIX.--How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, showed us the Uranopet
+decretals
+
+Chapter 4.L.--How Homenas showed us the archetype, or representation of a
+pope
+
+Chapter 4.LI.--Table-talk in praise of the decretals
+
+Chapter 4.LII.--A continuation of the miracles caused by the decretals
+
+Chapter 4.LIII.--How, by the virtue of the decretals, gold is subtilely
+drawn out of France to Rome
+
+Chapter 4.LIV.--How Homenas gave Pantagruel some bon-Christian pears
+
+Chapter 4.LV.--How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard various unfrozen words
+
+Chapter 4.LVI.--How among the frozen words Pantagruel found some odd ones
+
+Chapter 4.LVII.--How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling of Gaster, the
+first master of arts in the world
+
+Chapter 4.LVIII.--How, at the court of the master of ingenuity, Pantagruel
+detested the Engastrimythes and the Gastrolaters
+
+Chapter 4.LIX.--Of the ridiculous statue Manduce; and how and what the
+Gastrolaters sacrifice to their ventripotent god
+
+Chapter 4.LX.--What the Gastrolaters sacrificed to their god on interlarded
+fish-days
+
+Chapter 4.LXI.--How Gaster invented means to get and preserve corn
+
+Chapter 4.LXII.--How Gaster invented an art to avoid being hurt or touched
+by cannon-balls
+
+Chapter 4.LXIII.--How Pantagruel fell asleep near the island of Chaneph,
+and of the problems proposed to be solved when he waked
+
+Chapter 4.LXIV.--How Pantagruel gave no answer to the problems
+
+Chapter 4.LXV.--How Pantagruel passed the time with his servants
+
+Chapter 4.LXVI.--How, by Pantagruel's order, the Muses were saluted near
+the isle of Ganabim
+
+Chapter 4.LXVII.--How Panurge berayed himself for fear; and of the huge cat
+Rodilardus, which he took for a puny devil
+
+
+
+THE FIFTH BOOK.
+
+The Author's Prologue
+
+Chapter 5.I.--How Pantagruel arrived at the Ringing Island, and of the
+noise that we heard
+
+Chapter 5.II.--How the Ringing Island had been inhabited by the Siticines,
+who were become birds
+
+Chapter 5.III.--How there is but one pope-hawk in the Ringing Island
+
+Chapter 5.IV.--How the birds of the Ringing Island were all passengers
+
+Chapter 5.V.--Of the dumb Knight-hawks of the Ringing Island
+
+Chapter 5.VI.--How the birds are crammed in the Ringing Island
+
+Chapter 5.VII.--How Panurge related to Master Aedituus the fable of the
+horse and the ass
+
+Chapter 5.VIII.--How with much ado we got a sight of the pope-hawk
+
+Chapter 5.IX.--How we arrived at the island of Tools
+
+Chapter 5.X.--How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Sharping
+
+Chapter 5.XI.--How we passed through the wicket inhabited by Gripe-men-all,
+Archduke of the Furred Law-cats
+
+Chapter 5.XII.--How Gripe-men-all propounded a riddle to us
+
+Chapter 5.XIII.--How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all's riddle
+
+Chapter 5.XIV.--How the Furred Law-cats live on corruption
+
+Chapter 5.XV.--How Friar John talks of rooting out the Furred Law-cats
+
+Chapter 5.XVI.--How Pantagruel came to the island of the Apedefers, or
+Ignoramuses, with long claws and crooked paws, and of terrible adventures
+and monsters there
+
+Chapter 5.XVII.--How we went forwards, and how Panurge had like to have
+been killed
+
+Chapter 5.XVIII.--How our ships were stranded, and we were relieved by some
+people that were subject to Queen Whims (qui tenoient de la Quinte)
+
+Chapter 5.XIX.--How we arrived at the queendom of Whims or Entelechy
+
+Chapter 5.XX.--How the Quintessence cured the sick with a song
+
+Chapter 5.XXI.--How the Queen passed her time after dinner
+
+Chapter 5.XXII.--How Queen Whims' officers were employed; and how the said
+lady retained us among her abstractors
+
+Chapter 5.XXIII.--How the Queen was served at dinner, and of her way of
+eating
+
+Chapter 5.XXIV.--How there was a ball in the manner of a tournament, at
+which Queen Whims was present
+
+Chapter 5.XXV.--How the thirty-two persons at the ball fought
+
+Chapter 5.XXVI.--How we came to the island of Odes, where the ways go up
+and down
+
+Chapter 5.XXVII.--How we came to the island of Sandals; and of the order of
+Semiquaver Friars
+
+Chapter 5.XXVIII.--How Panurge asked a Semiquaver Friar many questions, and
+was only answered in monosyllables
+
+Chapter 5.XXIX.--How Epistemon disliked the institution of Lent
+
+Chapter 5.XXX.--How we came to the land of Satin
+
+Chapter 5.XXXI.--How in the land of Satin we saw Hearsay, who kept a school
+of vouching
+
+Chapter 5.XXXII.--How we came in sight of Lantern-land
+
+Chapter 5.XXXIII.--How we landed at the port of the Lychnobii, and came to
+Lantern-land
+
+Chapter 5.XXXIV.--How we arrived at the Oracle of the Bottle
+
+Chapter 5.XXXV.--How we went underground to come to the Temple of the Holy
+Bottle, and how Chinon is the oldest city in the world
+
+Chapter 5.XXXVI.--How we went down the tetradic steps, and of Panurge's
+fear
+
+Chapter 5.XXXVII.--How the temple gates in a wonderful manner opened of
+themselves
+
+Chapter 5.XXXVIII.--Of the temple's admirable pavement
+
+Chapter 5.XXXIX.--How we saw Bacchus's army drawn up in battalia in mosaic
+work
+
+Chapter 5.XL.--How the battle in which the good Bacchus overthrew the
+Indians was represented in mosaic work
+
+Chapter 5.XLI.--How the temple was illuminated with a wonderful lamp
+
+Chapter 5.XLII.--How the Priestess Bacbuc showed us a fantastic fountain in
+the temple, and how the fountain-water had the taste of wine, according to
+the imagination of those who drank of it
+
+Chapter 5.XLIII.--How the Priestess Bacbuc equipped Panurge in order to
+have the word of the Bottle
+
+Chapter 5.XLIV.--How Bacbuc, the high-priestess, brought Panurge before the
+Holy Bottle
+
+Chapter 5.XLV.--How Bacbuc explained the word of the Goddess-Bottle
+
+Chapter 5.XLVI.--How Panurge and the rest rhymed with poetic fury
+
+Chapter 5.XLVII.--How we took our leave of Bacbuc, and left the Oracle of
+the Holy Bottle
+
+
+
+
+Introduction.
+
+Had Rabelais never written his strange and marvellous romance, no one would
+ever have imagined the possibility of its production.  It stands outside
+other things--a mixture of mad mirth and gravity, of folly and reason, of
+childishness and grandeur, of the commonplace and the out-of-the-way, of
+popular verve and polished humanism, of mother-wit and learning, of
+baseness and nobility, of personalities and broad generalization, of the
+comic and the serious, of the impossible and the familiar.  Throughout the
+whole there is such a force of life and thought, such a power of good
+sense, a kind of assurance so authoritative, that he takes rank with the
+greatest; and his peers are not many.  You may like him or not, may attack
+him or sing his praises, but you cannot ignore him.  He is of those that
+die hard.  Be as fastidious as you will; make up your mind to recognize
+only those who are, without any manner of doubt, beyond and above all
+others; however few the names you keep, Rabelais' will always remain.
+
+We may know his work, may know it well, and admire it more every time we
+read it.  After being amused by it, after having enjoyed it, we may return
+again to study it and to enter more fully into its meaning.  Yet there is
+no possibility of knowing his own life in the same fashion.  In spite of
+all the efforts, often successful, that have been made to throw light on
+it, to bring forward a fresh document, or some obscure mention in a
+forgotten book, to add some little fact, to fix a date more precisely, it
+remains nevertheless full of uncertainty and of gaps.  Besides, it has been
+burdened and sullied by all kinds of wearisome stories and foolish
+anecdotes, so that really there is more to weed out than to add.
+
+This injustice, at first wilful, had its rise in the sixteenth century, in
+the furious attacks of a monk of Fontevrault, Gabriel de Puy-Herbault, who
+seems to have drawn his conclusions concerning the author from the book,
+and, more especially, in the regrettable satirical epitaph of Ronsard,
+piqued, it is said, that the Guises had given him only a little pavillon in
+the Forest of Meudon, whereas the presbytery was close to the chateau.
+From that time legend has fastened on Rabelais, has completely travestied
+him, till, bit by bit, it has made of him a buffoon, a veritable clown, a
+vagrant, a glutton, and a drunkard.
+
+The likeness of his person has undergone a similar metamorphosis.  He has
+been credited with a full moon of a face, the rubicund nose of an
+incorrigible toper, and thick coarse lips always apart because always
+laughing.  The picture would have surprised his friends no less than
+himself.  There have been portraits painted of Rabelais; I have seen many
+such.  They are all of the seventeenth century, and the greater number are
+conceived in this jovial and popular style.
+
+As a matter of fact there is only one portrait of him that counts, that has
+more than the merest chance of being authentic, the one in the Chronologie
+collee or coupee.  Under this double name is known and cited a large sheet
+divided by lines and cross lines into little squares, containing about a
+hundred heads of illustrious Frenchmen.  This sheet was stuck on pasteboard
+for hanging on the wall, and was cut in little pieces, so that the
+portraits might be sold separately.  The majority of the portraits are of
+known persons and can therefore be verified.  Now it can be seen that these
+have been selected with care, and taken from the most authentic sources;
+from statues, busts, medals, even stained glass, for the persons of most
+distinction, from earlier engravings for the others.  Moreover, those of
+which no other copies exist, and which are therefore the most valuable,
+have each an individuality very distinct, in the features, the hair, the
+beard, as well as in the costume.  Not one of them is like another.  There
+has been no tampering with them, no forgery.  On the contrary, there is in
+each a difference, a very marked personality.  Leonard Gaultier, who
+published this engraving towards the end of the sixteenth century,
+reproduced a great many portraits besides from chalk drawings, in the style
+of his master, Thomas de Leu.  It must have been such drawings that were
+the originals of those portraits which he alone has issued, and which may
+therefore be as authentic and reliable as the others whose correctness we
+are in a position to verify.
+
+Now Rabelais has here nothing of the Roger Bontemps of low degree about
+him.  His features are strong, vigorously cut, and furrowed with deep
+wrinkles; his beard is short and scanty; his cheeks are thin and already
+worn-looking.  On his head he wears the square cap of the doctors and the
+clerks, and his dominant expression, somewhat rigid and severe, is that of
+a physician and a scholar.  And this is the only portrait to which we need
+attach any importance.
+
+This is not the place for a detailed biography, nor for an exhaustive
+study.  At most this introduction will serve as a framework on which to fix
+a few certain dates, to hang some general observations.  The date of
+Rabelais' birth is very doubtful.  For long it was placed as far back as
+1483:  now scholars are disposed to put it forward to about 1495.  The
+reason, a good one, is that all those whom he has mentioned as his friends,
+or in any real sense his contemporaries, were born at the very end of the
+fifteenth century.  And, indeed, it is in the references in his romance to
+names, persons, and places, that the most certain and valuable evidence is
+to be found of his intercourse, his patrons, his friendships, his
+sojournings, and his travels:  his own work is the best and richest mine in
+which to search for the details of his life.
+
+Like Descartes and Balzac, he was a native of Touraine, and Tours and
+Chinon have only done their duty in each of them erecting in recent years a
+statue to his honour, a twofold homage reflecting credit both on the
+province and on the town.  But the precise facts about his birth are
+nevertheless vague.  Huet speaks of the village of Benais, near Bourgeuil,
+of whose vineyards Rabelais makes mention.  As the little vineyard of La
+Deviniere, near Chinon, and familiar to all his readers, is supposed to
+have belonged to his father, Thomas Rabelais, some would have him born
+there.  It is better to hold to the earlier general opinion that Chinon was
+his native town; Chinon, whose praises he sang with such heartiness and
+affection.  There he might well have been born in the Lamproie house, which
+belonged to his father, who, to judge from this circumstance, must have
+been in easy circumstances, with the position of a well-to-do citizen.  As
+La Lamproie in the seventeenth century was a hostelry, the father of
+Rabelais has been set down as an innkeeper.  More probably he was an
+apothecary, which would fit in with the medical profession adopted by his
+son in after years.  Rabelais had brothers, all older than himself.
+Perhaps because he was the youngest, his father destined him for the
+Church.
+
+The time he spent while a child with the Benedictine monks at Seuille is
+uncertain.  There he might have made the acquaintance of the prototype of
+his Friar John, a brother of the name of Buinart, afterwards Prior of
+Sermaize.  He was longer at the Abbey of the Cordeliers at La Baumette,
+half a mile from Angers, where he became a novice.  As the brothers Du
+Bellay, who were later his Maecenases, were then studying at the University
+of Angers, where it is certain he was not a student, it is doubtless from
+this youthful period that his acquaintance and alliance with them should
+date.  Voluntarily, or induced by his family, Rabelais now embraced the
+ecclesiastical profession, and entered the monastery of the Franciscan
+Cordeliers at Fontenay-le-Comte, in Lower Poitou, which was honoured by his
+long sojourn at the vital period of his life when his powers were ripening.
+There it was he began to study and to think, and there also began his
+troubles.
+
+In spite of the wide-spread ignorance among the monks of that age, the
+encyclopaedic movement of the Renaissance was attracting all the lofty
+minds.  Rabelais threw himself into it with enthusiasm, and Latin antiquity
+was not enough for him.  Greek, a study discountenanced by the Church,
+which looked on it as dangerous and tending to freethought and heresy, took
+possession of him.  To it he owed the warm friendship of Pierre Amy and of
+the celebrated Guillaume Bude.  In fact, the Greek letters of the latter
+are the best source of information concerning this period of Rabelais'
+life.  It was at Fontenay-le-Comte also that he became acquainted with the
+Brissons and the great jurist Andre Tiraqueau, whom he never mentions but
+with admiration and deep affection.  Tiraqueau's treatise, De legibus
+connubialibus, published for the first time in 1513, has an important
+bearing on the life of Rabelais.  There we learn that, dissatisfied with
+the incomplete translation of Herodotus by Laurent Valla, Rabelais had
+retranslated into Latin the first book of the History.  That translation
+unfortunately is lost, as so many other of his scattered works.  It is
+probably in this direction that the hazard of fortune has most discoveries
+and surprises in store for the lucky searcher.  Moreover, as in this law
+treatise Tiraqueau attacked women in a merciless fashion, President Amaury
+Bouchard published in 1522 a book in their defence, and Rabelais, who was a
+friend of both the antagonists, took the side of Tiraqueau.  It should be
+observed also in passing, that there are several pages of such audacious
+plain-speaking, that Rabelais, though he did not copy these in his Marriage
+of Panurge, has there been, in his own fashion, as out spoken as Tiraqueau.
+If such freedom of language could be permitted in a grave treatise of law,
+similar liberties were certainly, in the same century, more natural in a
+book which was meant to amuse.
+
+The great reproach always brought against Rabelais is not the want of
+reserve of his language merely, but his occasional studied coarseness,
+which is enough to spoil his whole work, and which lowers its value.  La
+Bruyere, in the chapter Des ouvrages de l'esprit, not in the first edition
+of the Caracteres, but in the fifth, that is to say in 1690, at the end of
+the great century, gives us on this subject his own opinion and that of his
+age:
+
+'Marot and Rabelais are inexcusable in their habit of scattering filth
+about their writings.  Both of them had genius enough and wit enough to do
+without any such expedient, even for the amusement of those persons who
+look more to the laugh to be got out of a book than to what is admirable in
+it.  Rabelais especially is incomprehensible.  His book is an enigma,--one
+may say inexplicable.  It is a Chimera; it is like the face of a lovely
+woman with the feet and the tail of a reptile, or of some creature still
+more loathsome.  It is a monstrous confusion of fine and rare morality with
+filthy corruption.  Where it is bad, it goes beyond the worst; it is the
+delight of the basest of men.  Where it is good, it reaches the exquisite,
+the very best; it ministers to the most delicate tastes.'
+
+Putting aside the rather slight connection established between two men of
+whom one is of very little importance compared with the other, this is
+otherwise very admirably said, and the judgment is a very just one, except
+with regard to one point--the misunderstanding of the atmosphere in which
+the book was created, and the ignoring of the examples of a similar
+tendency furnished by literature as well as by the popular taste.  Was it
+not the Ancients that began it?  Aristophanes, Catullus, Petronius,
+Martial, flew in the face of decency in their ideas as well as in the words
+they used, and they dragged after them in this direction not a few of the
+Latin poets of the Renaissance, who believed themselves bound to imitate
+them.  Is Italy without fault in this respect?  Her story-tellers in prose
+lie open to easy accusation.  Her Capitoli in verse go to incredible
+lengths; and the astonishing success of Aretino must not be forgotten, nor
+the licence of the whole Italian comic theatre of the sixteenth century.
+The Calandra of Bibbiena, who was afterwards a Cardinal, and the Mandragola
+of Machiavelli, are evidence enough, and these were played before Popes,
+who were not a whit embarrassed.  Even in England the drama went very far
+for a time, and the comic authors of the reign of Charles II., evidently
+from a reaction, and to shake off the excess and the wearisomeness of
+Puritan prudery and affectation, which sent them to the opposite extreme,
+are not exactly noted for their reserve.  But we need not go beyond France.
+Slight indications, very easily verified, are all that may be set down
+here; a formal and detailed proof would be altogether too dangerous.
+
+Thus, for instance, the old Fabliaux--the Farces of the fifteenth century,
+the story-tellers of the sixteenth--reveal one of the sides, one of the
+veins, so to speak, of our literature.  The art that addresses itself to
+the eye had likewise its share of this coarseness.  Think of the sculptures
+on the capitals and the modillions of churches, and the crude frankness of
+certain painted windows of the fifteenth century.  Queen Anne was, without
+any doubt, one of the most virtuous women in the world.  Yet she used to go
+up the staircase of her chateau at Blois, and her eyes were not offended at
+seeing at the foot of a bracket a not very decent carving of a monk and a
+nun.  Neither did she tear out of her book of Hours the large miniature of
+the winter month, in which, careless of her neighbours' eyes, the mistress
+of the house, sitting before her great fireplace, warms herself in a
+fashion which it is not advisable that dames of our age should imitate.
+The statue of Cybele by the Tribolo, executed for Francis I., and placed,
+not against a wall, but in the middle of Queen Claude's chamber at
+Fontainebleau, has behind it an attribute which would have been more in
+place on a statue of Priapus, and which was the symbol of generativeness.
+The tone of the conversations was ordinarily of a surprising coarseness,
+and the Precieuses, in spite of their absurdities, did a very good work in
+setting themselves in opposition to it.  The worthy Chevalier de
+La-Tour-Landry, in his Instructions to his own daughters, without a thought
+of harm, gives examples which are singular indeed, and in Caxton's
+translation these are not omitted.  The Adevineaux Amoureux, printed at
+Bruges by Colard Mansion, are astonishing indeed when one considers that
+they were the little society diversions of the Duchesses of Burgundy and of
+the great ladies of a court more luxurious and more refined than the French
+court, which revelled in the Cent Nouvelles of good King Louis XI.
+Rabelais' pleasantry about the woman folle a la messe is exactly in the
+style of the Adevineaux.
+
+A later work than any of his, the Novelle of Bandello, should be kept in
+mind--for the writer was Bishop of Agen, and his work was translated into
+French--as also the Dames Galantes of Brantome.  Read the Journal of
+Heroard, that honest doctor, who day by day wrote down the details
+concerning the health of Louis XIII. from his birth, and you will
+understand the tone of the conversation of Henry IV.  The jokes at a
+country wedding are trifles compared with this royal coarseness.  Le Moyen
+de Parvenir is nothing but a tissue and a mass of filth, and the too
+celebrated Cabinet Satyrique proves what, under Louis XIII., could be
+written, printed, and read.  The collection of songs formed by Clairambault
+shows that the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries were no purer than the
+sixteenth.  Some of the most ribald songs are actually the work of
+Princesses of the royal House.
+
+It is, therefore, altogether unjust to make Rabelais the scapegoat, to
+charge him alone with the sins of everybody else.  He spoke as those of his
+time used to speak; when amusing them he used their language to make
+himself understood, and to slip in his asides, which without this sauce
+would never have been accepted, would have found neither eyes nor ears.
+Let us blame not him, therefore, but the manners of his time.
+
+Besides, his gaiety, however coarse it may appear to us--and how rare a
+thing is gaiety!--has, after all, nothing unwholesome about it; and this is
+too often overlooked.  Where does he tempt one to stray from duty?  Where,
+even indirectly, does he give pernicious advice?  Whom has he led to evil
+ways?  Does he ever inspire feelings that breed misconduct and vice, or is
+he ever the apologist of these?  Many poets and romance writers, under
+cover of a fastidious style, without one coarse expression, have been
+really and actively hurtful; and of that it is impossible to accuse
+Rabelais.  Women in particular quickly revolt from him, and turn away
+repulsed at once by the archaic form of the language and by the
+outspokenness of the words.  But if he be read aloud to them, omitting the
+rougher parts and modernizing the pronunciation, it will be seen that they
+too are impressed by his lively wit as by the loftiness of his thought.  It
+would be possible, too, to extract, for young persons, without
+modification, admirable passages of incomparable force.  But those who have
+brought out expurgated editions of him, or who have thought to improve him
+by trying to rewrite him in modern French, have been fools for their pains,
+and their insulting attempts have had, and always will have, the success
+they deserve.
+
+His dedications prove to what extent his whole work was accepted.  Not to
+speak of his epistolary relations with Bude, with the Cardinal d'Armagnac
+and with Pellissier, the ambassador of Francis I. and Bishop of Maguelonne,
+or of his dedication to Tiraqueau of his Lyons edition of the Epistolae
+Medicinales of Giovanni Manardi of Ferrara, of the one addressed to the
+President Amaury Bouchard of the two legal texts which he believed antique,
+there is still the evidence of his other and more important dedications.
+In 1532 he dedicated his Hippocrates and his Galen to Geoffroy d'Estissac,
+Bishop of Maillezais, to whom in 1535 and 1536 he addressed from Rome the
+three news letters, which alone have been preserved; and in 1534 he
+dedicated from Lyons his edition of the Latin book of Marliani on the
+topography of Rome to Jean du Bellay (at that time Bishop of Paris) who was
+raised to the Cardinalate in 1535.  Beside these dedications we must set
+the privilege of Francis I. of September, 1545, and the new privilege
+granted by Henry II. on August 6th, 1550, Cardinal de Chatillon present,
+for the third book, which was dedicated, in an eight-lined stanza, to the
+Spirit of the Queen of Navarre.  These privileges, from the praises and
+eulogies they express in terms very personal and very exceptional, are as
+important in Rabelais' life as were, in connection with other matters, the
+Apostolic Pastorals in his favour.  Of course, in these the popes had not
+to introduce his books of diversions, which, nevertheless, would have
+seemed in their eyes but very venial sins.  The Sciomachie of 1549, an
+account of the festivities arranged at Rome by Cardinal du Bellay in honour
+of the birth of the second son of Henry II., was addressed to Cardinal de
+Guise, and in 1552 the fourth book was dedicated, in a new prologue, to
+Cardinal de Chatillon, the brother of Admiral de Coligny.
+
+These are no unknown or insignificant personages, but the greatest lords
+and princes of the Church.  They loved and admired and protected Rabelais,
+and put no restrictions in his way.  Why should we be more fastidious and
+severe than they were?  Their high contemporary appreciation gives much
+food for thought.
+
+There are few translations of Rabelais in foreign tongues; and certainly
+the task is no light one, and demands more than a familiarity with ordinary
+French.  It would have been easier in Italy than anywhere else.  Italian,
+from its flexibility and its analogy to French, would have lent itself
+admirably to the purpose; the instrument was ready, but the hand was not
+forthcoming.  Neither is there any Spanish translation, a fact which can be
+more easily understood.  The Inquisition would have been a far more serious
+opponent than the Paris' Sorbonne, and no one ventured on the experiment.
+Yet Rabelais forces comparison with Cervantes, whose precursor he was in
+reality, though the two books and the two minds are very different.  They
+have only one point in common, their attack and ridicule of the romances of
+chivalry and of the wildly improbable adventures of knight-errants.  But in
+Don Quixote there is not a single detail which would suggest that Cervantes
+knew Rabelais' book or owed anything to it whatsoever, even the
+starting-point of his subject.  Perhaps it was better he should not have
+been influenced by him, in however slight a degree; his originality is the
+more intact and the more genial.
+
+On the other hand, Rabelais has been several times translated into German.
+In the present century Regis published at Leipsic, from 1831 to 1841, with
+copious notes, a close and faithful translation.  The first one cannot be
+so described, that of Johann Fischart, a native of Mainz or Strasburg, who
+died in 1614.  He was a Protestant controversialist, and a satirist of
+fantastic and abundant imagination.  In 1575 appeared his translation of
+Rabelais' first book, and in 1590 he published the comic catalogue of the
+library of Saint Victor, borrowed from the second book.  It is not a
+translation, but a recast in the boldest style, full of alterations and of
+exaggerations, both as regards the coarse expressions which he took upon
+himself to develop and to add to, and in the attacks on the Roman Catholic
+Church.  According to Jean Paul Richter, Fischart is much superior to
+Rabelais in style and in the fruitfulness of his ideas, and his equal in
+erudition and in the invention of new expressions after the manner of
+Aristophanes.  He is sure that his work was successful, because it was
+often reprinted during his lifetime; but this enthusiasm of Jean Paul would
+hardly carry conviction in France.  Who treads in another's footprints must
+follow in the rear.  Instead of a creator, he is but an imitator.  Those
+who take the ideas of others to modify them, and make of them creations of
+their own, like Shakespeare in England, Moliere and La Fontaine in France,
+may be superior to those who have served them with suggestions; but then
+the new works must be altogether different, must exist by themselves.
+Shakespeare and the others, when they imitated, may be said always to have
+destroyed their models.  These copyists, if we call them so, created such
+works of genius that the only pity is they are so rare.  This is not the
+case with Fischart, but it would be none the less curious were some one
+thoroughly familiar with German to translate Fischart for us, or at least,
+by long extracts from him, give an idea of the vagaries of German taste
+when it thought it could do better than Rabelais.  It is dangerous to
+tamper with so great a work, and he who does so runs a great risk of
+burning his fingers.
+
+England has been less daring, and her modesty and discretion have brought
+her success.  But, before speaking of Urquhart's translation, it is but
+right to mention the English-French Dictionary of Randle Cotgrave, the
+first edition of which dates from 1611.  It is in every way exceedingly
+valuable, and superior to that of Nicot, because instead of keeping to the
+plane of classic and Latin French, it showed an acquaintance with and
+mastery of the popular tongue as well as of the written and learned
+language.  As a foreigner, Cotgrave is a little behind in his information.
+He is not aware of all the changes and novelties of the passing fashion.
+The Pleiad School he evidently knew nothing of, but kept to the writers of
+the fifteenth and the first half of the sixteenth century.  Thus words out
+of Rabelais, which he always translates with admirable skill, are frequent,
+and he attaches to them their author's name.  So Rabelais had already
+crossed the Channel, and was read in his own tongue.  Somewhat later,
+during the full sway of the Commonwealth--and Maitre Alcofribas Nasier must
+have been a surprising apparition in the midst of Puritan severity--Captain
+Urquhart undertook to translate him and to naturalize him completely in
+England.
+
+Thomas Urquhart belonged to a very old family of good standing in the North
+of Scotland.  After studying in Aberdeen he travelled in France, Spain, and
+Italy, where his sword was as active as that intelligent curiosity of his
+which is evidenced by his familiarity with three languages and the large
+library which he brought back, according to his own account, from sixteen
+countries he had visited.
+
+On his return to England he entered the service of Charles I., who knighted
+him in 1641.  Next year, after the death of his father, he went to Scotland
+to set his family affairs in order, and to redeem his house in Cromarty.
+But, in spite of another sojourn in foreign lands, his efforts to free
+himself from pecuniary embarrassments were unavailing.  At the king's death
+his Scottish loyalty caused him to side with those who opposed the
+Parliament.  Formally proscribed in 1649, taken prisoner at the defeat of
+Worcester in 1651, stripped of all his belongings, he was brought to
+London, but was released on parole at Cromwell's recommendation.  After
+receiving permission to spend five months in Scotland to try once more to
+settle his affairs, he came back to London to escape from his creditors.
+And there he must have died, though the date of his death is unknown.  It
+probably took place after 1653, the date of the publication of the two
+first books, and after having written the translation of the third, which
+was not printed from his manuscript till the end of the seventeenth
+century.
+
+His life was therefore not without its troubles, and literary activity must
+have been almost his only consolation.  His writings reveal him as the
+strangest character, fantastic, and full of a naive vanity, which, even at
+the time he was translating the genealogy of Gargantua--surely well
+calculated to cure any pondering on his own--caused him to trace his
+unbroken descent from Adam, and to state that his family name was derived
+from his ancestor Esormon, Prince of Achaia, 2139 B.C., who was surnamed
+Ourochartos, that is to say the Fortunate and the Well-beloved.  A Gascon
+could not have surpassed this.
+
+Gifted as he was, learned in many directions, an enthusiastic
+mathematician, master of several languages, occasionally full of wit and
+humour, and even good sense, yet he gave his books the strangest titles,
+and his ideas were no less whimsical.  His style is mystic, fastidious, and
+too often of a wearisome length and obscurity; his verses rhyme anyhow, or
+not at all; but vivacity, force and heat are never lacking, and the
+Maitland Club did well in reprinting, in 1834, his various works, which are
+very rare.  Yet, in spite of their curious interest, he owes his real
+distinction and the survival of his name to his translation of Rabelais.
+
+The first two books appeared in 1653.  The original edition, exceedingly
+scarce, was carefully reprinted in 1838, only a hundred copies being
+issued, by an English bibliophile T(heodore) M(artin), whose interesting
+preface I regret to sum up so cursorily.  At the end of the seventeenth
+century, in 1693, a French refugee, Peter Antony Motteux, whose English
+verses and whose plays are not without value, published in a little octavo
+volume a reprint, very incorrect as to the text, of the first two books, to
+which he added the third, from the manuscript found amongst Urquhart's
+papers.  The success which attended this venture suggested to Motteux the
+idea of completing the work, and a second edition, in two volumes, appeared
+in 1708, with the translation of the fourth and fifth books, and notes.
+Nineteen years after his death, John Ozell, translator on a large scale of
+French, Italian, and Spanish authors, revised Motteux's edition, which he
+published in five volumes in 1737, adding Le Duchat's notes; and this
+version has often been reprinted since.
+
+The continuation by Motteux, who was also the translator of Don Quixote,
+has merits of its own.  It is precise, elegant, and very faithful.
+Urquhart's, without taking liberties with Rabelais like Fischart, is not
+always so closely literal and exact.  Nevertheless, it is much superior to
+Motteux's.  If Urquhart does not constantly adhere to the form of the
+expression, if he makes a few slight additions, not only has he an
+understanding of the original, but he feels it, and renders the sense with
+a force and a vivacity full of warmth and brilliancy.  His own learning
+made the comprehension of the work easy to him, and his anglicization of
+words fabricated by Rabelais is particularly successful.  The necessity of
+keeping to his text prevented his indulgence in the convolutions and
+divagations dictated by his exuberant fancy when writing on his own
+account.  His style, always full of life and vigour, is here balanced,
+lucid, and picturesque.  Never elsewhere did he write so well.  And thus
+the translation reproduces the very accent of the original, besides
+possessing a very remarkable character of its own.  Such a literary tone
+and such literary qualities are rarely found in a translation.  Urquhart's,
+very useful for the interpretation of obscure passages, may, and indeed
+should be read as a whole, both for Rabelais and for its own merits.
+
+Holland, too, possesses a translation of Rabelais.  They knew French in
+that country in the seventeenth century better than they do to-day, and
+there Rabelais' works were reprinted when no editions were appearing in
+France.  This Dutch translation was published at Amsterdam in 1682, by J.
+Tenhoorn.  The name attached to it, Claudio Gallitalo (Claudius
+French-Italian) must certainly be a pseudonym.  Only a Dutch scholar could
+identify the translator, and state the value to be assigned to his work.
+
+Rabelais' style has many different sources.  Besides its force and
+brilliancy, its gaiety, wit, and dignity, its abundant richness is no less
+remarkable.  It would be impossible and useless to compile a glossary of
+Voltaire's words.  No French writer has used so few, and all of them are of
+the simplest.  There is not one of them that is not part of the common
+speech, or which demands a note or an explanation.  Rabelais' vocabulary,
+on the other hand, is of an astonishing variety.  Where does it all come
+from?  As a fact, he had at his command something like three languages,
+which he used in turn, or which he mixed according to the effect he wished
+to produce.
+
+First of all, of course, he had ready to his hand the whole speech of his
+time, which had no secrets for him.  Provincials have been too eager to
+appropriate him, to make of him a local author, the pride of some village,
+in order that their district might have the merit of being one of the
+causes, one of the factors of his genius.  Every neighbourhood where he
+ever lived has declared that his distinction was due to his knowledge of
+its popular speech.  But these dialect-patriots have fallen out among
+themselves.  To which dialect was he indebted?  Was it that of Touraine, or
+Berri, or Poitou, or Paris?  It is too often forgotten, in regard to French
+patois--leaving out of count the languages of the South--that the words or
+expressions that are no longer in use to-day are but a survival, a still
+living trace of the tongue and the pronunciation of other days.  Rabelais,
+more than any other writer, took advantage of the happy chances and the
+richness of the popular speech, but he wrote in French, and nothing but
+French.  That is why he remains so forcible, so lucid, and so living, more
+living even--speaking only of his style out of charity to the others--than
+any of his contemporaries.
+
+It has been said that great French prose is solely the work of the
+seventeenth century.  There were nevertheless, before that, two men,
+certainly very different and even hostile, who were its initiators and its
+masters, Calvin on the one hand, on the other Rabelais.
+
+Rabelais had a wonderful knowledge of the prose and the verse of the
+fifteenth century:  he was familiar with Villon, Pathelin, the Quinze Joies
+de Mariage, the Cent Nouvelles, the chronicles and the romances, and even
+earlier works, too, such as the Roman de la Rose.  Their words, their turns
+of expression came naturally to his pen, and added a piquancy and, as it
+were, a kind of gloss of antique novelty to his work.  He fabricated words,
+too, on Greek and Latin models, with great ease, sometimes audaciously and
+with needless frequency.  These were for him so many means, so many
+elements of variety.  Sometimes he did this in mockery, as in the humorous
+discourse of the Limousin scholar, for which he is not a little indebted to
+Geoffroy Tory in the Champfleury; sometimes, on the contrary, seriously,
+from a habit acquired in dealing with classical tongues.
+
+Again, another reason of the richness of his vocabulary was that he
+invented and forged words for himself.  Following the example of
+Aristophanes, he coined an enormous number of interminable words, droll
+expressions, sudden and surprising constructions.  What had made Greece and
+the Athenians laugh was worth transporting to Paris.
+
+With an instrument so rich, resources so endless, and the skill to use
+them, it is no wonder that he could give voice to anything, be as humorous
+as he could be serious, as comic as he could be grave, that he could
+express himself and everybody else, from the lowest to the highest.  He had
+every colour on his palette, and such skill was in his fingers that he
+could depict every variety of light and shade.
+
+We have evidence that Rabelais did not always write in the same fashion.
+The Chronique Gargantuaine is uniform in style and quite simple, but cannot
+with certainty be attributed to him.  His letters are bombastic and thin;
+his few attempts at verse are heavy, lumbering, and obscure, altogether
+lacking in harmony, and quite as bad as those of his friend, Jean Bouchet.
+He had no gift of poetic form, as indeed is evident even from his prose.
+And his letters from Rome to the Bishop of Maillezais, interesting as they
+are in regard to the matter, are as dull, bare, flat, and dry in style as
+possible.  Without his signature no one would possibly have thought of
+attributing them to him.  He is only a literary artist when he wishes to be
+such; and in his romance he changes the style completely every other
+moment:  it has no constant character or uniform manner, and therefore
+unity is almost entirely wanting in his work, while his endeavours after
+contrast are unceasing.  There is throughout the whole the evidence of
+careful and conscious elaboration.
+
+Hence, however lucid and free be the style of his romance, and though its
+flexibility and ease seem at first sight to have cost no trouble at all,
+yet its merit lies precisely in the fact that it succeeds in concealing the
+toil, in hiding the seams.  He could not have reached this perfection at a
+first attempt.  He must have worked long at the task, revised it again and
+again, corrected much, and added rather than cut away.  The aptness of form
+and expression has been arrived at by deliberate means, and owes nothing to
+chance.  Apart from the toning down of certain bold passages, to soften
+their effect, and appease the storm--for these were not literary
+alterations, but were imposed on him by prudence--one can see how numerous
+are the variations in his text, how necessary it is to take account of
+them, and to collect them.  A good edition, of course, would make no
+attempt at amalgamating these.  That would give a false impression and end
+in confusion; but it should note them all, and show them all, not combined,
+but simply as variations.
+
+After Le Duchat, all the editions, in their care that nothing should be
+lost, made the mistake of collecting and placing side by side things which
+had no connection with each other, which had even been substituted for each
+other.  The result was a fabricated text, full of contradictions naturally.
+But since the edition issued by M. Jannet, the well-known publisher of the
+Bibliotheque Elzevirienne, who was the first to get rid of this patchwork,
+this mosaic, Rabelais' latest text has been given, accompanied by all the
+earlier variations, to show the changes he made, as well as his
+suppressions and additions.  It would also be possible to reverse the
+method.  It would be interesting to take his first text as the basis,
+noting the later modifications.  This would be quite as instructive and
+really worth doing.  Perhaps one might then see more clearly with what care
+he made his revisions, after what fashion he corrected, and especially what
+were the additions he made.
+
+No more striking instance can be quoted than the admirable chapter about
+the shipwreck.  It was not always so long as Rabelais made it in the end:
+it was much shorter at first.  As a rule, when an author recasts some
+passage that he wishes to revise, he does so by rewriting the whole, or at
+least by interpolating passages at one stroke, so to speak.  Nothing of the
+kind is seen here.  Rabelais suppressed nothing, modified nothing; he did
+not change his plan at all.  What he did was to make insertions, to slip in
+between two clauses a new one.  He expressed his meaning in a lengthier
+way, and the former clause is found in its integrity along with the
+additional one, of which it forms, as it were, the warp.  It was by this
+method of touching up the smallest details, by making here and there such
+little noticeable additions, that he succeeded in heightening the effect
+without either change or loss.  In the end it looks as if he had altered
+nothing, added nothing new, as if it had always been so from the first, and
+had never been meddled with.
+
+The comparison is most instructive, showing us to what an extent Rabelais'
+admirable style was due to conscious effort, care, and elaboration, a fact
+which is generally too much overlooked, and how instead of leaving any
+trace which would reveal toil and study, it has on the contrary a
+marvellous cohesion, precision, and brilliancy.  It was modelled and
+remodelled, repaired, touched up, and yet it has all the appearance of
+having been created at a single stroke, or of having been run like molten
+wax into its final form.
+
+Something should be said here of the sources from which Rabelais borrowed.
+He was not the first in France to satirize the romances of chivalry.  The
+romance in verse by Baudouin de Sebourc, printed in recent years, was a
+parody of the Chansons de Geste.  In the Moniage Guillaume, and especially
+in the Moniage Rainouart, in which there is a kind of giant, and
+occasionally a comic giant, there are situations and scenes which remind us
+of Rabelais.  The kind of Fabliaux in mono-rhyme quatrains of the old
+Aubery anticipate his coarse and popular jests.  But all that is beside the
+question; Rabelais did not know these.  Nothing is of direct interest save
+what was known to him, what fell under his eyes, what lay to his hand--as
+the Facetiae of Poggio, and the last sermonnaires.  In the course of one's
+reading one may often enough come across the origin of some of Rabelais'
+witticisms; here and there we may discover how he has developed a
+situation.  While gathering his materials wherever he could find them, he
+was nevertheless profoundly original.
+
+On this point much research and investigation might be employed.  But there
+is no need why these researches should be extended to the region of fancy.
+Gargantua has been proved by some to be of Celtic origin.  Very often he is
+a solar myth, and the statement that Rabelais only collected popular
+traditions and gave new life to ancient legends is said to be proved by the
+large number of megalithic monuments to which is attached the name of
+Gargantua.  It was, of course, quite right to make a list of these, to draw
+up, as it were, a chart of them, but the conclusion is not justified.  The
+name, instead of being earlier, is really later, and is a witness, not to
+the origin, but to the success and rapid popularity of his novel.  No one
+has ever yet produced a written passage or any ancient testimony to prove
+the existence of the name before Rabelais.  To place such a tradition on a
+sure basis, positive traces must be forthcoming; and they cannot be adduced
+even for the most celebrated of these monuments, since he mentions himself
+the great menhir near Poitiers, which he christened by the name of
+Passelourdin.  That there is something in the theory is possible.  Perrault
+found the subjects of his stories in the tales told by mothers and nurses.
+He fixed them finally by writing them down.  Floating about vaguely as they
+were, he seized them, worked them up, gave them shape, and yet of scarcely
+any of them is there to be found before his time a single trace.  So we
+must resign ourselves to know just as little of what Gargantua and
+Pantagruel were before the sixteenth century.
+
+In a book of a contemporary of Rabelais, the Legende de Pierre Faifeu by
+the Angevin, Charles de Bourdigne, the first edition of which dates from
+1526 and the second 1531--both so rare and so forgotten that the work is
+only known since the eighteenth century by the reprint of Custelier--in the
+introductory ballad which recommends this book to readers, occur these
+lines in the list of popular books which Faifeu would desire to replace:
+
+  'Laissez ester Caillette le folastre,
+  Les quatre filz Aymon vestuz de bleu,
+  Gargantua qui a cheveux de plastre.'
+
+He has not 'cheveux de plastre' in Rabelais.  If the rhyme had not
+suggested the phrase--and the exigencies of the strict form of the ballade
+and its forced repetitions often imposed an idea which had its whole origin
+in the rhyme--we might here see a dramatic trace found nowhere else.  The
+name of Pantagruel is mentioned too, incidentally, in a Mystery of the
+fifteenth century.  These are the only references to the names which up
+till now have been discovered, and they are, as one sees, of but little
+account.
+
+On the other hand, the influence of Aristophanes and of Lucian, his
+intimate acquaintance with nearly all the writers of antiquity, Greek as
+well as Latin, with whom Rabelais is more permeated even than Montaigne,
+were a mine of inspiration.  The proof of it is everywhere.  Pliny
+especially was his encyclopaedia, his constant companion.  All he says of
+the Pantagruelian herb, though he amply developed it for himself, is taken
+from Pliny's chapter on flax.  And there is a great deal more of this kind
+to be discovered, for Rabelais does not always give it as quotation.  On
+the other hand, when he writes, 'Such an one says,' it would be difficult
+enough to find who is meant, for the 'such an one' is a fictitious writer.
+The method is amusing, but it is curious to account of it.
+
+The question of the Chronique Gargantuaine is still undecided.  Is it by
+Rabelais or by someone else?  Both theories are defensible, and can be
+supported by good reasons.  In the Chronique everything is heavy,
+occasionally meaningless, and nearly always insipid.  Can the same man have
+written the Chronique and Gargantua, replaced a book really commonplace by
+a masterpiece, changed the facts and incidents, transformed a heavy icy
+pleasantry into a work glowing with wit and life, made it no longer a mass
+of laborious trifling and cold-blooded exaggerations but a satire on human
+life of the highest genius?  Still there are points common to the two.
+Besides, Rabelais wrote other things; and it is only in his romance that he
+shows literary skill.  The conception of it would have entered his mind
+first only in a bare and summary fashion.  It would have been taken up
+again, expanded, developed, metamorphosed.  That is possible, and, for my
+part, I am of those who, like Brunet and Nodier, are inclined to think that
+the Chronique, in spite of its inferiority, is really a first attempt,
+condemned as soon as the idea was conceived in another form.  As its
+earlier date is incontestable, we must conclude that if the Chronique is
+not by him, his Gargantua and its continuation would not have existed
+without it.  This would be a great obligation to stand under to some
+unknown author, and in that case it is astonishing that his enemies did not
+reproach him during his lifetime with being merely an imitator and a
+plagiarist.  So there are reasons for and against his authorship of it, and
+it would be dangerous to make too bold an assertion.
+
+One fact which is absolutely certain and beyond all controversy, is that
+Rabelais owed much to one of his contemporaries, an Italian, to the
+Histoire Macaronique of Merlin Coccaie.  Its author, Theophilus Folengo,
+who was also a monk, was born in 1491, and died only a short time before
+Rabelais, in 1544.  But his burlesque poem was published in 1517.  It was
+in Latin verse, written in an elaborately fabricated style.  It is not dog
+Latin, but Latin ingeniously italianized, or rather Italian, even Mantuan,
+latinized.  The contrast between the modern form of the word and its Roman
+garb produces the most amusing effect.  In the original it is sometimes
+difficult to read, for Folengo has no objection to using the most
+colloquial words and phrases.
+
+The subject is quite different.  It is the adventures of Baldo, son of Guy
+de Montauban, the very lively history of his youth, his trial, imprisonment
+and deliverance, his journey in search of his father, during which he
+visits the Planets and Hell.  The narration is constantly interrupted by
+incidental adventures.  Occasionally they are what would be called to-day
+very naturalistic, and sometimes they are madly extravagant.
+
+But Fracasso, Baldo's friend, is a giant; another friend, Cingar, who
+delivers him, is Panurge exactly, and quite as much given to practical
+joking.  The women in the senile amour of the old Tognazzo, the judges, and
+the poor sergeants, are no more gently dealt with by Folengo than by the
+monk of the Iles d'Hyeres.  If Dindenaut's name does not occur, there are
+the sheep.  The tempest is there, and the invocation to all the saints.
+Rabelais improves all he borrows, but it is from Folengo he starts.  He
+does not reproduce the words, but, like the Italian, he revels in drinking
+scenes, junkettings, gormandizing, battles, scuffles, wounds and corpses,
+magic, witches, speeches, repeated enumerations, lengthiness, and a
+solemnly minute precision of impossible dates and numbers.  The atmosphere,
+the tone, the methods are the same, and to know Rabelais well, you must
+know Folengo well too.
+
+Detailed proof of this would be too lengthy a matter; one would have to
+quote too many passages, but on this question of sources nothing is more
+interesting than a perusal of the Opus Macaronicorum.  It was translated
+into French only in 1606--Paris, Gilley Robinot.  This translation of
+course cannot reproduce all the many amusing forms of words, but it is
+useful, nevertheless, in showing more clearly the points of resemblance
+between the two works,--how far in form, ideas, details, and phrases
+Rabelais was permeated by Folengo.  The anonymous translator saw this quite
+well, and said so in his title, 'Histoire macaronique de Merlin Coccaie,
+prototype of Rabelais.'  It is nothing but the truth, and Rabelais, who
+does not hide it from himself, on more than one occasion mentions the name
+of Merlin Coccaie.
+
+Besides, Rabelais was fed on the Italians of his time as on the Greeks and
+Romans.  Panurge, who owes much to Cingar, is also not free from
+obligations to the miscreant Margutte in the Morgante Maggiore of Pulci.
+Had Rabelais in his mind the tale from the Florentine Chronicles, how in
+the Savonarola riots, when the Piagnoni and the Arrabiati came to blows in
+the church of the Dominican convent of San-Marco, Fra Pietro in the scuffle
+broke the heads of the assailants with the bronze crucifix he had taken
+from the altar?  A well-handled cross could so readily be used as a weapon,
+that probably it has served as such more than once, and other and even
+quite modern instances might be quoted.
+
+But other Italian sources are absolutely certain.  There are few more
+wonderful chapters in Rabelais than the one about the drinkers.  It is not
+a dialogue:  those short exclamations exploding from every side, all
+referring to the same thing, never repeating themselves, and yet always
+varying the same theme.  At the end of the Novelle of Gentile Sermini of
+Siena, there is a chapter called Il Giuoco della pugna, the Game of Battle.
+Here are the first lines of it:  'Apre, apre, apre.  Chi gioca, chi gioca
+--uh, uh!--A Porrione, a Porrione.--Viela, viela; date a ognuno.--Alle
+mantella, alle mantella.--Oltre di corsa; non vi fermate.--Voltate qui;
+ecco costoro; fate veli innanzi.--Viela, viela; date costi.--Chi la fa?
+Io--Ed io.--Dagli; ah, ah, buona fu.--Or cosi; alla mascella, al fianco.
+--Dagli basso; di punta, di punta.--Ah, ah, buon gioco, buon gioco.'
+
+And thus it goes on with fire and animation for pages.  Rabelais probably
+translated or directly imitated it.  He changed the scene; there was no
+giuooco della pugna in France.  He transferred to a drinking-bout this
+clatter of exclamations which go off by themselves, which cross each other
+and get no answer.  He made a wonderful thing of it.  But though he did not
+copy Sermini, yet Sermini's work provided him with the form of the subject,
+and was the theme for Rabelais' marvellous variations.
+
+Who does not remember the fantastic quarrel of the cook with the poor devil
+who had flavoured his dry bread with the smoke of the roast, and the
+judgment of Seyny John, truly worthy of Solomon?  It comes from the Cento
+Novelle Antiche, rewritten from tales older than Boccaccio, and moreover of
+an extreme brevity and dryness.  They are only the framework, the notes,
+the skeleton of tales.  The subject is often wonderful, but nothing is made
+of it:  it is left unshaped.  Rabelais wrote a version of one, the ninth.
+The scene takes place, not at Paris, but at Alexandria in Egypt among the
+Saracens, and the cook is called Fabrac.  But the surprise at the end, the
+sagacious judgment by which the sound of a piece of money was made the
+price of the smoke, is the same.  Now the first dated edition of the Cento
+Novelle (which were frequently reprinted) appeared at Bologna in 1525, and
+it is certain that Rabelais had read the tales.  And there would be much
+else of the same kind to learn if we knew Rabelais' library.
+
+A still stranger fact of this sort may be given to show how nothing came
+amiss to him.  He must have known, and even copied the Latin Chronicle of
+the Counts of Anjou.  It is accepted, and rightly so, as an historical
+document, but that is no reason for thinking that the truth may not have
+been manipulated and adorned.  The Counts of Anjou were not saints.  They
+were proud, quarrelsome, violent, rapacious, and extravagant, as greedy as
+they were charitable to the Church, treacherous and cruel.  Yet their
+anonymous panegyrist has made them patterns of all the virtues.  In reality
+it is both a history and in some sort a romance; especially is it a
+collection of examples worthy of being followed, in the style of the
+Cyropaedia, our Juvenal of the fifteenth century, and a little like
+Fenelon's Telemaque.  Now in it there occurs the address of one of the
+counts to those who rebelled against him and who were at his mercy.
+Rabelais must have known it, for he has copied it, or rather, literally
+translated whole lines of it in the wonderful speech of Gargantua to the
+vanquished.  His contemporaries, who approved of his borrowing from
+antiquity, could not detect this one, because the book was not printed till
+much later.  But Rabelais lived in Maine.  In Anjou, which often figures
+among the localities he names, he must have met with and read the
+Chronicles of the Counts in manuscript, probably in some monastery library,
+whether at Fontenay-le-Comte or elsewhere it matters little.  There is not
+only a likeness in the ideas and tone, but in the words too, which cannot
+be a mere matter of chance.  He must have known the Chronicles of the
+Counts of Anjou, and they inspired one of his finest pages.  One sees,
+therefore, how varied were the sources whence he drew, and how many of them
+must probably always escape us.
+
+When, as has been done for Moliere, a critical bibliography of the works
+relating to Rabelais is drawn up--which, by the bye, will entail a very
+great amount of labour--the easiest part will certainly be the bibliography
+of the old editions.  That is the section that has been most satisfactorily
+and most completely worked out.  M. Brunet said the last word on the
+subject in his Researches in 1852, and in the important article in the
+fifth edition of his Manuel du Libraire (iv., 1863, pp. 1037-1071).
+
+The facts about the fifth book cannot be summed up briefly.  It was printed
+as a whole at first, without the name of the place, in 1564, and next year
+at Lyons by Jean Martin.  It has given, and even still gives rise to two
+contradictory opinions.  Is it Rabelais' or not?
+
+First of all, if he had left it complete, would sixteen years have gone by
+before it was printed?  Then, does it bear evident marks of his
+workmanship?  Is the hand of the master visible throughout?  Antoine Du
+Verdier in the 1605 edition of his Prosopographie writes: '(Rabelais')
+misfortune has been that everybody has wished to "pantagruelize!" and
+several books have appeared under his name, and have been added to his
+works, which are not by him, as, for instance, l'Ile Sonnante, written by a
+certain scholar of Valence and others.'
+
+The scholar of Valence might be Guillaume des Autels, to whom with more
+certainty can be ascribed the authorship of a dull imitation of Rabelais,
+the History of Fanfreluche and Gaudichon, published in 1578, which, to say
+the least of it, is very much inferior to the fifth book.
+
+Louis Guyon, in his Diverses Lecons, is still more positive:  'As to the
+last book which has been included in his works, entitled l'Ile Sonnante,
+the object of which seems to be to find fault with and laugh at the members
+and the authorities of the Catholic Church, I protest that he did not
+compose it, for it was written long after his death.  I was at Paris when
+it was written, and I know quite well who was its author; he was not a
+doctor.'  That is very emphatic, and it is impossible to ignore it.
+
+Yet everyone must recognize that there is a great deal of Rabelais in the
+fifth book.  He must have planned it and begun it.  Remembering that in
+1548 he had published, not as an experiment, but rather as a bait and as an
+announcement, the first eleven chapters of the fourth book, we may conclude
+that the first sixteen chapters of the fifth book published by themselves
+nine years after his death, in 1562, represent the remainder of his
+definitely finished work.  This is the more certain because these first
+chapters, which contain the Apologue of the Horse and the Ass and the
+terrible Furred Law-cats, are markedly better than what follows them.  They
+are not the only ones where the master's hand may be traced, but they are
+the only ones where no other hand could possibly have interfered.
+
+In the remainder the sentiment is distinctly Protestant.  Rabelais was much
+struck by the vices of the clergy and did not spare them.  Whether we are
+unable to forgive his criticisms because they were conceived in a spirit of
+raillery, or whether, on the other hand, we feel admiration for him on this
+point, yet Rabelais was not in the least a sectary.  If he strongly desired
+a moral reform, indirectly pointing out the need of it in his mocking
+fashion, he was not favourable to a political reform.  Those who would make
+of him a Protestant altogether forget that the Protestants of his time were
+not for him, but against him.  Henri Estienne, for instance, Ramus,
+Theodore de Beze, and especially Calvin, should know how he was to be
+regarded.  Rabelais belonged to what may be called the early reformation,
+to that band of honest men in the beginning of the sixteenth century,
+precursors of the later one perhaps, but, like Erasmus, between the two
+extremes.  He was neither Lutheran nor Calvinist, neither German nor
+Genevese, and it is quite natural that his work was not reprinted in
+Switzerland, which would certainly have happened had the Protestants looked
+on him as one of themselves.
+
+That Rabelais collected the materials for the fifth book, had begun it, and
+got on some way, there can be no doubt:  the excellence of a large number
+of passages prove it, but--taken as a whole--the fifth book has not the
+value, the verve, and the variety of the others.  The style is quite
+different, less rich, briefer, less elaborate, drier, in parts even
+wearisome.  In the first four books Rabelais seldom repeats himself.  The
+fifth book contains from the point of view of the vocabulary really the
+least novelty.  On the contrary, it is full of words and expressions
+already met with, which is very natural in an imitation, in a copy, forced
+to keep to a similar tone, and to show by such reminders and likenesses
+that it is really by the same pen.  A very striking point is the profound
+difference in the use of anatomical terms.  In the other books they are
+most frequently used in a humorous sense, and nonsensically, with a quite
+other meaning than their own; in the fifth they are applied correctly.  It
+was necessary to include such terms to keep up the practice, but the writer
+has not thought of using them to add to the comic effect:  one cannot
+always think of everything.  Trouble has been taken, of course, to include
+enumerations, but there are much fewer fabricated and fantastic words.  In
+short, the hand of the maker is far from showing the same suppleness and
+strength.
+
+A eulogistic quatrain is signed Nature quite, which, it is generally
+agreed, is an anagram of Jean Turquet.  Did the adapter of the fifth book
+sign his work in this indirect fashion?  He might be of the Genevese family
+to whom Louis Turquet and his son Theodore belonged, both well-known, and
+both strong Protestants.  The obscurity relating to this matter is far from
+being cleared up, and perhaps never will be.
+
+It fell to my lot--here, unfortunately, I am forced to speak of a personal
+matter--to print for the first time the manuscript of the fifth book.  At
+first it was hoped it might be in Rabelais' own hand; afterwards that it
+might be at least a copy of his unfinished work.  The task was a difficult
+one, for the writing, extremely flowing and rapid, is execrable, and most
+difficult to decipher and to transcribe accurately.  Besides, it often
+happens in the sixteenth and the end of the fifteenth century, that
+manuscripts are much less correct than the printed versions, even when they
+have not been copied by clumsy and ignorant hands.  In this case, it is the
+writing of a clerk executed as quickly as possible.  The farther it goes
+the more incorrect it becomes, as if the writer were in haste to finish.
+
+What is really the origin of it?  It has less the appearance of notes or
+fragments prepared by Rabelais than of a first attempt at revision.  It is
+not an author's rough draft; still less is it his manuscript.  If I had not
+printed this enigmatical text with scrupulous and painful fidelity, I would
+do it now.  It was necessary to do it so as to clear the way.  But as the
+thing is done, and accessible to those who may be interested, and who wish
+to critically examine it, there is no further need of reprinting it.  All
+the editions of Rabelais continue, and rightly, to reproduce the edition of
+1564.  It is not the real Rabelais, but however open to criticism it may
+be, it was under that form that the fifth book appeared in the sixteenth
+century, under that form it was accepted.  Consequently it is convenient
+and even necessary to follow and keep to the original edition.
+
+The first sixteen chapters may, and really must be, the text of Rabelais,
+in the final form as left by him, and found after his death; the framework,
+and a number of the passages in the continuation, the best ones, of course,
+are his, but have been patched up and tampered with.  Nothing can have been
+suppressed of what existed; it was evidently thought that everything should
+be admitted with the final revision; but the tone was changed, additions
+were made, and 'improvements.'  Adapters are always strangely vain.
+
+In the seventeenth century, the French printing-press, save for an edition
+issued at Troyes in 1613, gave up publishing Rabelais, and the work passed
+to foreign countries.  Jean Fuet reprinted him at Antwerp in 1602.  After
+the Amsterdam edition of 1659, where for the first time appears 'The
+Alphabet of the French Author,' comes the Elzevire edition of 1663.  The
+type, an imitation of what made the reputation of the little volumes of the
+Gryphes of Lyons, is charming, the printing is perfect, and the paper,
+which is French--the development of paper-making in Holland and England did
+not take place till after the Revocation of the Edict of Nantes--is
+excellent.  They are pretty volumes to the eye, but, as in all the reprints
+of the seventeenth century, the text is full of faults and most
+untrustworthy.
+
+France, through a representative in a foreign land, however, comes into
+line again in the beginning of the eighteenth century, and in a really
+serious fashion, thanks to the very considerable learning of a French
+refugee, Jacob Le Duchat, who died in 1748.  He had a most thorough
+knowledge of the French prose-writers of the sixteenth century, and he made
+them accessible by his editions of the Quinze Joies du Mariage, of Henri
+Estienne, of Agrippa d'Aubigne, of L'Etoile, and of the Satyre Menippee.
+In 1711 he published an edition of Rabelais at Amsterdam, through Henry
+Bordesius, in five duodecimo volumes.  The reprint in quarto which he
+issued in 1741, seven years before his death, is, with its engravings by
+Bernard Picot, a fine library edition.  Le Duchat's is the first of the
+critical editions.  It takes account of differences in the texts, and
+begins to point out the variations.  His very numerous notes are
+remarkable, and are still worthy of most serious consideration.  He was the
+first to offer useful elucidations, and these have been repeated after him,
+and with good reason will continue to be so.  The Abbe de Massy's edition
+of 1752, also an Amsterdam production, has made use of Le Duchat's but does
+not take its place.  Finally, at the end of the century, Cazin printed
+Rabelais in his little volume, in 1782, and Bartiers issued two editions
+(of no importance) at Paris in 1782 and 1798.  Fortunately the nineteenth
+century has occupied itself with the great 'Satyrique' in a more competent
+and useful fashion.
+
+In 1820 L'Aulnaye published through Desoer his three little volumes,
+printed in exquisite style, and which have other merits besides.  His
+volume of annotations, in which, that nothing might be lost of his own
+notes, he has included many things not directly relating to Rabelais, is
+full of observations and curious remarks which are very useful additions to
+Le Duchat.  One fault to be found with him is his further complication of
+the spelling.  This he did in accordance with a principle that the words
+should be referred to their real etymology.  Learned though he was,
+Rabelais had little care to be so etymological, and it is not his theories
+but those of the modern scholar that have been ventilated.
+
+Somewhat later, from 1823 to 1826, Esmangart and Johanneau issued a
+variorum edition in nine volumes, in which the text is often encumbered by
+notes which are really too numerous, and, above all, too long.  The work
+was an enormous one, but the best part of it is Le Duchat's, and what is
+not his is too often absolutely hypothetical and beside the truth.  Le
+Duchat had already given too much importance to the false historical
+explanation.  Here it is constantly coming in, and it rests on no evidence.
+In reality, there is no need of the key to Rabelais by which to discover
+the meaning of subtle allusions.  He is neither so complicated nor so full
+of riddles.  We know how he has scattered the names of contemporaries about
+his work, sometimes of friends, sometimes of enemies, and without
+disguising them under any mask.  He is no more Panurge than Louis XII. is
+Gargantua or Francis I. Pantagruel.  Rabelais says what he wants, all he
+wants, and in the way he wants.  There are no mysteries below the surface,
+and it is a waste of time to look for knots in a bulrush.  All the
+historical explanations are purely imaginary, utterly without proof, and
+should the more emphatically be looked on as baseless and dismissed.  They
+are radically false, and therefore both worthless and harmful.
+
+In 1840 there appeared in the Bibliotheque Charpentier the Rabelais in a
+single duodecimo volume, begun by Charles Labiche, and, after his death,
+completed by M. Paul Lacroix, whose share is the larger.  The text is that
+of L'Aulnaye; the short footnotes, with all their brevity, contain useful
+explanations of difficult words.  Amongst the editions of Rabelais this is
+one of the most important, because it brought him many readers and
+admirers.  No other has made him so well and so widely known as this
+portable volume, which has been constantly reprinted.  No other has been so
+widely circulated, and the sale still goes on.  It was, and must still be
+looked on as a most serviceable edition.
+
+The edition published by Didot in 1857 has an altogether special character.
+In the biographical notice M. Rathery for the first time treated as they
+deserve the foolish prejudices which have made Rabelais misunderstood, and
+M. Burgaud des Marets set the text on a quite new base.  Having proved,
+what of course is very evident, that in the original editions the spelling,
+and the language too, were of the simplest and clearest, and were not
+bristling with the nonsensical and superfluous consonants which have given
+rise to the idea that Rabelais is difficult to read, he took the trouble
+first of all to note the spelling of each word.  Whenever in a single
+instance he found it in accordance with modern spelling, he made it the
+same throughout.  The task was a hard one, and Rabelais certainly gained in
+clearness, but over-zeal is often fatal to a reform.  In respect to its
+precision and the value of its notes, which are short and very judicious,
+Burgaud des Marets' edition is valuable, and is amongst those which should
+be known and taken into account.
+
+Since Le Duchat all the editions have a common fault.  They are not exactly
+guilty of fabricating, but they set up an artificial text in the sense
+that, in order to lose as little as possible, they have collected and
+united what originally were variations--the revisions, in short, of the
+original editions.  Guided by the wise counsels given by Brunet in 1852 in
+his Researches on the old editions of Rabelais, Pierre Jannet published the
+first three books in 1858; then, when the publication of the Bibliotheque
+Elzevirienne was discontinued, he took up the work again and finished the
+edition in Picard's blue library, in little volumes, each book quite
+distinct.  It was M. Jannet who in our days first restored the pure and
+exact text of Rabelais, not only without retouching it, but without making
+additions or insertions, or juxtaposition of things that were not formerly
+found together.  For each of the books he has followed the last edition
+issued by Rabelais, and all the earlier differences he gives as variations.
+It is astonishing that a thing so simple and so fitting should not have
+been done before, and the result is that this absolutely exact fidelity has
+restored a lucidity which was not wanting in Rabelais's time, but which had
+since been obscured.  All who have come after Jannet have followed in his
+path, and there is no reason for straying from it.
+
+
+
+
+FRANCIS RABELAIS.
+
+
+THE FIRST BOOK.
+
+
+To the Honoured, Noble Translator of Rabelais.
+
+Rabelais, whose wit prodigiously was made,
+All men, professions, actions to invade,
+With so much furious vigour, as if it
+Had lived o'er each of them, and each had quit,
+Yet with such happy sleight and careless skill,
+As, like the serpent, doth with laughter kill,
+So that although his noble leaves appear
+Antic and Gottish, and dull souls forbear
+To turn them o'er, lest they should only find
+Nothing but savage monsters of a mind,--
+No shapen beauteous thoughts; yet when the wise
+Seriously strip him of his wild disguise,
+Melt down his dross, refine his massy ore,
+And polish that which seem'd rough-cast before,
+Search his deep sense, unveil his hidden mirth,
+And make that fiery which before seem'd earth
+(Conquering those things of highest consequence,
+What's difficult of language or of sense),
+He will appear some noble table writ
+In the old Egyptian hieroglyphic wit;
+Where, though you monsters and grotescoes see,
+You meet all mysteries of philosophy.
+For he was wise and sovereignly bred
+To know what mankind is, how 't may be led:
+He stoop'd unto them, like that wise man, who
+Rid on a stick, when 's children would do so.
+For we are easy sullen things, and must
+Be laugh'd aright, and cheated into trust;
+Whilst a black piece of phlegm, that lays about
+Dull menaces, and terrifies the rout,
+And cajoles it, with all its peevish strength
+Piteously stretch'd and botch'd up into length,
+Whilst the tired rabble sleepily obey
+Such opiate talk, and snore away the day,
+By all his noise as much their minds relieves,
+As caterwauling of wild cats frights thieves.
+  But Rabelais was another thing, a man
+Made up of all that art and nature can
+Form from a fiery genius,--he was one
+Whose soul so universally was thrown
+Through all the arts of life, who understood
+Each stratagem by which we stray from good;
+So that he best might solid virtue teach,
+As some 'gainst sins of their own bosoms preach:
+He from wise choice did the true means prefer,
+In the fool's coat acting th' philosopher.
+  Thus hoary Aesop's beasts did mildly tame
+Fierce man, and moralize him into shame;
+Thus brave romances, while they seem to lay
+Great trains of lust, platonic love display;
+Thus would old Sparta, if a seldom chance
+Show'd a drunk slave, teach children temperance;
+Thus did the later poets nobly bring
+The scene to height, making the fool the king.
+  And, noble sir, you vigorously have trod
+In this hard path, unknown, un-understood
+By its own countrymen, 'tis you appear
+Our full enjoyment which was our despair,
+Scattering his mists, cheering his cynic frowns
+(For radiant brightness now dark Rabelais crowns),
+Leaving your brave heroic cares, which must
+Make better mankind and embalm your dust,
+So undeceiving us, that now we see
+All wit in Gascon and in Cromarty,
+Besides that Rabelais is convey'd to us,
+And that our Scotland is not barbarous.
+
+                                      J. De la Salle.
+
+
+
+Rablophila.
+
+The First Decade.
+
+The Commendation.
+
+Musa! canas nostrorum in testimonium Amorum,
+  Et Gargantueas perpetuato faces,
+Utque homini tali resultet nobilis Eccho:
+  Quicquid Fama canit, Pantagruelis erit.
+
+The Argument.
+
+  Here I intend mysteriously to sing
+    With a pen pluck'd from Fame's own wing,
+Of Gargantua that learn'd breech-wiping king.
+
+Decade the First.
+
+   I.
+
+  Help me, propitious stars; a mighty blaze
+    Benumbs me!  I must sound the praise
+Of him hath turn'd this crabbed work in such heroic phrase.
+
+   II.
+
+  What wit would not court martyrdom to hold
+    Upon his head a laurel of gold,
+Where for each rich conceit a Pumpion-pearl is told:
+
+   III.
+
+  And such a one is this, art's masterpiece,
+    A thing ne'er equall'd by old Greece:
+A thing ne'er match'd as yet, a real Golden Fleece.
+
+   IV.
+
+  Vice is a soldier fights against mankind;
+    Which you may look but never find:
+For 'tis an envious thing, with cunning interlined.
+
+   V.
+
+  And thus he rails at drinking all before 'em,
+    And for lewd women does be-whore 'em,
+And brings their painted faces and black patches to th' quorum.
+
+   VI.
+
+  To drink he was a furious enemy
+    Contented with a six-penny--
+(with diamond hatband, silver spurs, six horses.) pie--
+
+   VII.
+
+  And for tobacco's pate-rotunding smoke,
+    Much had he said, and much more spoke,
+But 'twas not then found out, so the design was broke.
+
+   VIII.
+
+  Muse! Fancy! Faith! come now arise aloud,
+    Assembled in a blue-vein'd cloud,
+And this tall infant in angelic arms now shroud.
+
+   IX.
+
+  To praise it further I would now begin
+    Were 't now a thoroughfare and inn,
+It harbours vice, though 't be to catch it in a gin.
+
+   X.
+
+  Therefore, my Muse, draw up thy flowing sail,
+    And acclamate a gentle hail
+With all thy art and metaphors, which must prevail.
+
+Jam prima Oceani pars est praeterita nostri.
+  Imparibus restat danda secunda modis.
+Quam si praestiterit mentem Daemon malus addam,
+  Cum sapiens totus prodierit Rabelais.
+
+                                             Malevolus.
+
+
+
+(Reader, the Errata, which in this book are not a few, are casually lost;
+and therefore the Translator, not having leisure to collect them again,
+craves thy pardon for such as thou may'st meet with.)
+
+
+
+The Author's Prologue to the First Book.
+
+Most noble and illustrious drinkers, and you thrice precious pockified
+blades (for to you, and none else, do I dedicate my writings), Alcibiades,
+in that dialogue of Plato's, which is entitled The Banquet, whilst he was
+setting forth the praises of his schoolmaster Socrates (without all
+question the prince of philosophers), amongst other discourses to that
+purpose, said that he resembled the Silenes.  Silenes of old were little
+boxes, like those we now may see in the shops of apothecaries, painted on
+the outside with wanton toyish figures, as harpies, satyrs, bridled geese,
+horned hares, saddled ducks, flying goats, thiller harts, and other
+such-like counterfeited pictures at discretion, to excite people unto
+laughter, as Silenus himself, who was the foster-father of good Bacchus, was
+wont to do; but within those capricious caskets were carefully preserved and
+kept many rich jewels and fine drugs, such as balm, ambergris, amomon, musk,
+civet, with several kinds of precious stones, and other things of great
+price.  Just such another thing was Socrates.  For to have eyed his outside,
+and esteemed of him by his exterior appearance, you would not have given the
+peel of an onion for him, so deformed he was in body, and ridiculous in his
+gesture.  He had a sharp pointed nose, with the look of a bull, and
+countenance of a fool:  he was in his carriage simple, boorish in his
+apparel, in fortune poor, unhappy in his wives, unfit for all offices in the
+commonwealth, always laughing, tippling, and merrily carousing to everyone,
+with continual gibes and jeers, the better by those means to conceal his
+divine knowledge.  Now, opening this box you would have found within it a
+heavenly and inestimable drug, a more than human understanding, an admirable
+virtue, matchless learning, invincible courage, unimitable sobriety, certain
+contentment of mind, perfect assurance, and an incredible misregard of all
+that for which men commonly do so much watch, run, sail, fight, travel, toil
+and turmoil themselves.
+
+Whereunto (in your opinion) doth this little flourish of a preamble tend?
+For so much as you, my good disciples, and some other jolly fools of ease
+and leisure, reading the pleasant titles of some books of our invention, as
+Gargantua, Pantagruel, Whippot (Fessepinte.), the Dignity of Codpieces, of
+Pease and Bacon with a Commentary, &c., are too ready to judge that there
+is nothing in them but jests, mockeries, lascivious discourse, and
+recreative lies; because the outside (which is the title) is usually,
+without any farther inquiry, entertained with scoffing and derision.  But
+truly it is very unbeseeming to make so slight account of the works of men,
+seeing yourselves avouch that it is not the habit makes the monk, many
+being monasterially accoutred, who inwardly are nothing less than monachal,
+and that there are of those that wear Spanish capes, who have but little of
+the valour of Spaniards in them.  Therefore is it, that you must open the
+book, and seriously consider of the matter treated in it.  Then shall you
+find that it containeth things of far higher value than the box did
+promise; that is to say, that the subject thereof is not so foolish as by
+the title at the first sight it would appear to be.
+
+And put the case, that in the literal sense you meet with purposes merry
+and solacious enough, and consequently very correspondent to their
+inscriptions, yet must not you stop there as at the melody of the charming
+syrens, but endeavour to interpret that in a sublimer sense which possibly
+you intended to have spoken in the jollity of your heart.  Did you ever
+pick the lock of a cupboard to steal a bottle of wine out of it?  Tell me
+truly, and, if you did, call to mind the countenance which then you had.
+Or, did you ever see a dog with a marrowbone in his mouth,--the beast of
+all other, says Plato, lib. 2, de Republica, the most philosophical?  If
+you have seen him, you might have remarked with what devotion and
+circumspectness he wards and watcheth it:  with what care he keeps it:  how
+fervently he holds it:  how prudently he gobbets it:  with what affection
+he breaks it:  and with what diligence he sucks it.  To what end all this?
+What moveth him to take all these pains?  What are the hopes of his labour?
+What doth he expect to reap thereby?  Nothing but a little marrow.  True it
+is, that this little is more savoury and delicious than the great
+quantities of other sorts of meat, because the marrow (as Galen testifieth,
+5. facult. nat. & 11. de usu partium) is a nourishment most perfectly
+elaboured by nature.
+
+In imitation of this dog, it becomes you to be wise, to smell, feel and
+have in estimation these fair goodly books, stuffed with high conceptions,
+which, though seemingly easy in the pursuit, are in the cope and encounter
+somewhat difficult.  And then, like him, you must, by a sedulous lecture,
+and frequent meditation, break the bone, and suck out the marrow,--that is,
+my allegorical sense, or the things I to myself propose to be signified by
+these Pythagorical symbols, with assured hope, that in so doing you will at
+last attain to be both well-advised and valiant by the reading of them:
+for in the perusal of this treatise you shall find another kind of taste,
+and a doctrine of a more profound and abstruse consideration, which will
+disclose unto you the most glorious sacraments and dreadful mysteries, as
+well in what concerneth your religion, as matters of the public state, and
+life economical.
+
+Do you believe, upon your conscience, that Homer, whilst he was a-couching
+his Iliads and Odysses, had any thought upon those allegories, which
+Plutarch, Heraclides Ponticus, Eustathius, Cornutus squeezed out of him,
+and which Politian filched again from them?  If you trust it, with neither
+hand nor foot do you come near to my opinion, which judgeth them to have
+been as little dreamed of by Homer, as the Gospel sacraments were by Ovid
+in his Metamorphoses, though a certain gulligut friar (Frere Lubin
+croquelardon.) and true bacon-picker would have undertaken to prove it, if
+perhaps he had met with as very fools as himself, (and as the proverb says)
+a lid worthy of such a kettle.
+
+If you give no credit thereto, why do not you the same in these jovial new
+chronicles of mine?  Albeit when I did dictate them, I thought upon no more
+than you, who possibly were drinking the whilst as I was.  For in the
+composing of this lordly book, I never lost nor bestowed any more, nor any
+other time than what was appointed to serve me for taking of my bodily
+refection, that is, whilst I was eating and drinking.  And indeed that is
+the fittest and most proper hour wherein to write these high matters and
+deep sciences:  as Homer knew very well, the paragon of all philologues,
+and Ennius, the father of the Latin poets, as Horace calls him, although a
+certain sneaking jobernol alleged that his verses smelled more of the wine
+than oil.
+
+So saith a turlupin or a new start-up grub of my books, but a turd for him.
+The fragrant odour of the wine, O how much more dainty, pleasant, laughing
+(Riant, priant, friant.), celestial and delicious it is, than that smell of
+oil!  And I will glory as much when it is said of me, that I have spent
+more on wine than oil, as did Demosthenes, when it was told him, that his
+expense on oil was greater than on wine.  I truly hold it for an honour and
+praise to be called and reputed a Frolic Gualter and a Robin Goodfellow;
+for under this name am I welcome in all choice companies of Pantagruelists.
+It was upbraided to Demosthenes by an envious surly knave, that his
+Orations did smell like the sarpler or wrapper of a foul and filthy
+oil-vessel.  For this cause interpret you all my deeds and sayings in the
+perfectest sense; reverence the cheese-like brain that feeds you with these
+fair billevezees and trifling jollities, and do what lies in you to keep me
+always merry.  Be frolic now, my lads, cheer up your hearts, and joyfully
+read the rest, with all the ease of your body and profit of your reins.
+But hearken, joltheads, you viedazes, or dickens take ye, remember to drink
+a health to me for the like favour again, and I will pledge you instantly,
+Tout ares-metys.
+
+
+
+Rabelais to the Reader.
+
+Good friends, my Readers, who peruse this Book,
+Be not offended, whilst on it you look:
+Denude yourselves of all depraved affection,
+For it contains no badness, nor infection:
+'Tis true that it brings forth to you no birth
+Of any value, but in point of mirth;
+Thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind
+Consume, I could no apter subject find;
+One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span;
+Because to laugh is proper to the man.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.I.
+
+Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua.
+
+I must refer you to the great chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of
+that genealogy and antiquity of race by which Gargantua is come unto us.
+In it you may understand more at large how the giants were born in this
+world, and how from them by a direct line issued Gargantua, the father of
+Pantagruel:  and do not take it ill, if for this time I pass by it,
+although the subject be such, that the oftener it were remembered, the more
+it would please your worshipful Seniorias; according to which you have the
+authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias; and of Flaccus, who says that
+there are some kinds of purposes (such as these are without doubt), which,
+the frequentlier they be repeated, still prove the more delectable.
+
+Would to God everyone had as certain knowledge of his genealogy since the
+time of the ark of Noah until this age.  I think many are at this day
+emperors, kings, dukes, princes, and popes on the earth, whose extraction
+is from some porters and pardon-pedlars; as, on the contrary, many are now
+poor wandering beggars, wretched and miserable, who are descended of the
+blood and lineage of great kings and emperors, occasioned, as I conceive
+it, by the transport and revolution of kingdoms and empires, from the
+Assyrians to the Medes, from the Medes to the Persians, from the Persians
+to the Macedonians, from the Macedonians to the Romans, from the Romans to
+the Greeks, from the Greeks to the French.
+
+And to give you some hint concerning myself, who speaks unto you, I cannot
+think but I am come of the race of some rich king or prince in former
+times; for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a
+king, and to be rich, than I have, and that only that I may make good
+cheer, do nothing, nor care for anything, and plentifully enrich my
+friends, and all honest and learned men.  But herein do I comfort myself,
+that in the other world I shall be so, yea and greater too than at this
+present I dare wish.  As for you, with the same or a better conceit
+consolate yourselves in your distresses, and drink fresh if you can come by
+it.
+
+To return to our wethers, I say that by the sovereign gift of heaven, the
+antiquity and genealogy of Gargantua hath been reserved for our use more
+full and perfect than any other except that of the Messias, whereof I mean
+not to speak; for it belongs not unto my purpose, and the devils, that is
+to say, the false accusers and dissembled gospellers, will therein oppose
+me.  This genealogy was found by John Andrew in a meadow, which he had near
+the pole-arch, under the olive-tree, as you go to Narsay:  where, as he was
+making cast up some ditches, the diggers with their mattocks struck against
+a great brazen tomb, and unmeasurably long, for they could never find the
+end thereof, by reason that it entered too far within the sluices of
+Vienne.  Opening this tomb in a certain place thereof, sealed on the top
+with the mark of a goblet, about which was written in Etrurian letters Hic
+Bibitur, they found nine flagons set in such order as they use to rank
+their kyles in Gascony, of which that which was placed in the middle had
+under it a big, fat, great, grey, pretty, small, mouldy, little pamphlet,
+smelling stronger, but no better than roses.  In that book the said
+genealogy was found written all at length, in a chancery hand, not in
+paper, not in parchment, nor in wax, but in the bark of an elm-tree, yet so
+worn with the long tract of time, that hardly could three letters together
+be there perfectly discerned.
+
+I (though unworthy) was sent for thither, and with much help of those
+spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim writings, and letters that do
+not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as Aristotle teacheth it,
+did translate the book as you may see in your Pantagruelizing, that is to
+say, in drinking stiffly to your own heart's desire, and reading the
+dreadful and horrific acts of Pantagruel.  At the end of the book there was
+a little treatise entitled the Antidoted Fanfreluches, or a Galimatia of
+extravagant conceits.  The rats and moths, or (that I may not lie) other
+wicked beasts, had nibbled off the beginning:  the rest I have hereto
+subjoined, for the reverence I bear to antiquity.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.II.
+
+The Antidoted Fanfreluches:  or, a Galimatia of extravagant Conceits found
+in an ancient Monument.
+
+No sooner did the Cymbrians' overcomer
+Pass through the air to shun the dew of summer,
+But at his coming straight great tubs were fill'd,
+With pure fresh butter down in showers distill'd:
+Wherewith when water'd was his grandam, Hey,
+Aloud he cried, Fish it, sir, I pray y';
+Because his beard is almost all beray'd;
+Or, that he would hold to 'm a scale, he pray'd.
+
+To lick his slipper, some told was much better,
+Than to gain pardons, and the merit greater.
+In th' interim a crafty chuff approaches,
+From the depth issued, where they fish for roaches;
+Who said, Good sirs, some of them let us save,
+The eel is here, and in this hollow cave
+You'll find, if that our looks on it demur,
+A great waste in the bottom of his fur.
+
+To read this chapter when he did begin,
+Nothing but a calf's horns were found therein;
+I feel, quoth he, the mitre which doth hold
+My head so chill, it makes my brains take cold.
+Being with the perfume of a turnip warm'd,
+To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm'd,
+Provided that a new thill-horse they made
+Of every person of a hair-brain'd head.
+
+They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles,
+Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes,
+If they might be reduced t' a scarry stuff,
+Such as might not be subject to the cough:
+Since ev'ry man unseemly did it find,
+To see them gaping thus at ev'ry wind:
+For, if perhaps they handsomely were closed,
+For pledges they to men might be exposed.
+
+In this arrest by Hercules the raven
+Was flayed at her (his) return from Lybia haven.
+Why am not I, said Minos, there invited?
+Unless it be myself, not one's omitted:
+And then it is their mind, I do no more
+Of frogs and oysters send them any store:
+In case they spare my life and prove but civil,
+I give their sale of distaffs to the devil.
+
+To quell him comes Q.B., who limping frets
+At the safe pass of tricksy crackarets:
+The boulter, the grand Cyclops' cousin, those
+Did massacre, whilst each one wiped his nose:
+Few ingles in this fallow ground are bred,
+But on a tanner's mill are winnowed.
+Run thither all of you, th' alarms sound clear,
+You shall have more than you had the last year.
+
+Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove
+Resolved to speak, though dismal it should prove;
+Yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire,
+They should o'erthrow quite flat down dead th' empire.
+He rather choosed the fire from heaven to steal,
+To boats where were red herrings put to sale;
+Than to be calm 'gainst those, who strive to brave us,
+And to the Massorets' fond words enslave us.
+
+All this at last concluded gallantly,
+In spite of Ate and her hern-like thigh,
+Who, sitting, saw Penthesilea ta'en,
+In her old age, for a cress-selling quean.
+Each one cried out, Thou filthy collier toad,
+Doth it become thee to be found abroad?
+Thou hast the Roman standard filch'd away,
+Which they in rags of parchment did display.
+
+Juno was born, who, under the rainbow,
+Was a-bird-catching with her duck below:
+When her with such a grievous trick they plied
+That she had almost been bethwacked by it.
+The bargain was, that, of that throatful, she
+Should of Proserpina have two eggs free;
+And if that she thereafter should be found,
+She to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound.
+
+Seven months thereafter, lacking twenty-two,
+He, that of old did Carthage town undo,
+Did bravely midst them all himself advance,
+Requiring of them his inheritance;
+Although they justly made up the division,
+According to the shoe-welt-law's decision,
+By distributing store of brews and beef
+To these poor fellows that did pen the brief.
+
+But th' year will come, sign of a Turkish bow,
+Five spindles yarn'd, and three pot-bottoms too,
+Wherein of a discourteous king the dock
+Shall pepper'd be under an hermit's frock.
+Ah! that for one she hypocrite you must
+Permit so many acres to be lost!
+Cease, cease, this vizard may become another,
+Withdraw yourselves unto the serpent's brother.
+
+'Tis in times past, that he who is shall reign
+With his good friends in peace now and again.
+No rash nor heady prince shall then rule crave,
+Each good will its arbitrement shall have;
+And the joy, promised of old as doom
+To the heaven's guests, shall in its beacon come.
+Then shall the breeding mares, that benumb'd were,
+Like royal palfreys ride triumphant there.
+
+And this continue shall from time to time,
+Till Mars be fetter'd for an unknown crime;
+Then shall one come, who others will surpass,
+Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace.
+Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast,
+All trusty friends of mine; for he's deceased,
+Who would not for a world return again,
+So highly shall time past be cried up then.
+
+He who was made of wax shall lodge each member
+Close by the hinges of a block of timber.
+We then no more shall Master, master, whoot,
+The swagger, who th' alarum bell holds out;
+Could one seize on the dagger which he bears,
+Heads would be free from tingling in the ears,
+To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses.
+The thus farewell Apollo and the Muses.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.III.
+
+How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother's belly.
+
+Grangousier was a good fellow in his time, and notable jester; he loved to
+drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would
+willingly eat salt meat.  To this intent he was ordinarily well furnished
+with gammons of bacon, both of Westphalia, Mayence and Bayonne, with store
+of dried neat's tongues, plenty of links, chitterlings and puddings in
+their season; together with salt beef and mustard, a good deal of hard roes
+of powdered mullet called botargos, great provision of sausages, not of
+Bolonia (for he feared the Lombard Boccone), but of Bigorre, Longaulnay,
+Brene, and Rouargue.  In the vigour of his age he married Gargamelle,
+daughter to the King of the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and well-mouthed
+wench.  These two did oftentimes do the two-backed beast together, joyfully
+rubbing and frotting their bacon 'gainst one another, in so far, that at
+last she became great with child of a fair son, and went with him unto the
+eleventh month; for so long, yea longer, may a woman carry her great belly,
+especially when it is some masterpiece of nature, and a person
+predestinated to the performance, in his due time, of great exploits.  As
+Homer says, that the child, which Neptune begot upon the nymph, was born a
+whole year after the conception, that is, in the twelfth month.  For, as
+Aulus Gellius saith, lib. 3, this long time was suitable to the majesty of
+Neptune, that in it the child might receive his perfect form.  For the like
+reason Jupiter made the night, wherein he lay with Alcmena, last
+forty-eight hours, a shorter time not being sufficient for the forging of
+Hercules, who cleansed the world of the monsters and tyrants wherewith it
+was suppressed.  My masters, the ancient Pantagruelists, have confirmed
+that which I say, and withal declared it to be not only possible, but also
+maintained the lawful birth and legitimation of the infant born of a woman
+in the eleventh month after the decease of her husband.  Hypocrates, lib.
+de alimento.  Plinius, lib. 7, cap. 5.  Plautus, in his Cistelleria.
+Marcus Varro, in his satire inscribed The Testament, alleging to this
+purpose the authority of Aristotle.  Censorinus, lib. de die natali.
+Arist. lib. 7, cap. 3 & 4, de natura animalium.  Gellius, lib. 3, cap. 16.
+Servius, in his exposition upon this verse of Virgil's eclogues, Matri
+longa decem, &c., and a thousand other fools, whose number hath been
+increased by the lawyers ff. de suis, et legit l. intestato. paragrapho.
+fin. and in Auth. de restitut. et ea quae parit in xi mense.  Moreover upon
+these grounds they have foisted in their Robidilardic, or Lapiturolive law.
+Gallus ff. de lib. et posth. l. sept. ff. de stat. hom., and some other
+laws, which at this time I dare not name.  By means whereof the honest
+widows may without danger play at the close buttock game with might and
+main, and as hard as they can, for the space of the first two months after
+the decease of their husbands.  I pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if
+you find any of these females, that are worth the pains of untying the
+codpiece-point, get up, ride upon them, and bring them to me; for, if they
+happen within the third month to conceive, the child should be heir to the
+deceased, if, before he died, he had no other children, and the mother
+shall pass for an honest woman.
+
+When she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not,
+whatever betide you, seeing the paunch is full.  As Julia, the daughter of
+the Emperor Octavian, never prostituted herself to her belly-bumpers, but
+when she found herself with child, after the manner of ships, that receive
+not their steersman till they have their ballast and lading.  And if any
+blame them for this their rataconniculation, and reiterated lechery upon
+their pregnancy and big-belliedness, seeing beasts, in the like exigent of
+their fulness, will never suffer the male-masculant to encroach them, their
+answer will be, that those are beasts, but they are women, very well
+skilled in the pretty vales and small fees of the pleasant trade and
+mysteries of superfetation:  as Populia heretofore answered, according to
+the relation of Macrobius, lib. 2. Saturnal.  If the devil will not have
+them to bag, he must wring hard the spigot, and stop the bung-hole.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.IV.
+
+How Gargamelle, being great with Gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes.
+
+The occasion and manner how Gargamelle was brought to bed, and delivered of
+her child, was thus:  and, if you do not believe it, I wish your bum-gut
+fall out and make an escapade.  Her bum-gut, indeed, or fundament escaped
+her in an afternoon, on the third day of February, with having eaten at
+dinner too many godebillios.  Godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros.
+Coiros are beeves fattened at the cratch in ox-stalls, or in the fresh
+guimo meadows.  Guimo meadows are those that for their fruitfulness may be
+mowed twice a year.  Of those fat beeves they had killed three hundred
+sixty-seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at Shrovetide, that in the
+entering of the spring they might have plenty of powdered beef, wherewith
+to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals, and to taste their
+wine the better.
+
+They had abundance of tripes, as you have heard, and they were so
+delicious, that everyone licked his fingers.  But the mischief was this,
+that, for all men could do, there was no possibility to keep them long in
+that relish; for in a very short while they would have stunk, which had
+been an undecent thing.  It was therefore concluded, that they should be
+all of them gulched up, without losing anything.  To this effect they
+invited all the burghers of Sainais, of Suille, of the Roche-Clermaud, of
+Vaugaudry, without omitting the Coudray, Monpensier, the Gue de Vede, and
+other their neighbours, all stiff drinkers, brave fellows, and good players
+at the kyles.  The good man Grangousier took great pleasure in their
+company, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for anything.
+Nevertheless he bade his wife eat sparingly, because she was near her time,
+and that these tripes were no very commendable meat.  They would fain, said
+he, be at the chewing of ordure, that would eat the case wherein it was.
+Notwithstanding these admonitions, she did eat sixteen quarters, two
+bushels, three pecks and a pipkin full.  O the fair fecality wherewith she
+swelled, by the ingrediency of such shitten stuff!
+
+After dinner they all went out in a hurl to the grove of the willows,
+where, on the green grass, to the sound of the merry flutes and pleasant
+bagpipes, they danced so gallantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport
+to see them so frolic.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.V.
+
+The Discourse of the Drinkers.
+
+Then did they fall upon the chat of victuals and some belly furniture to be
+snatched at in the very same place.  Which purpose was no sooner mentioned,
+but forthwith began flagons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to fly, great
+bowls to ting, glasses to ring.  Draw, reach, fill, mix, give it me without
+water.  So, my friend, so, whip me off this glass neatly, bring me hither
+some claret, a full weeping glass till it run over.  A cessation and truce
+with thirst.  Ha, thou false fever, wilt thou not be gone?  By my figgins,
+godmother, I cannot as yet enter in the humour of being merry, nor drink so
+currently as I would.  You have catched a cold, gammer?  Yea, forsooth,
+sir.  By the belly of Sanct Buff, let us talk of our drink:  I never drink
+but at my hours, like the Pope's mule.  And I never drink but in my
+breviary, like a fair father guardian.  Which was first, thirst or
+drinking?  Thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk
+without being athirst?  Nay, sir, it was drinking; for privatio
+praesupponit habitum.  I am learned, you see:  Foecundi calices quem non
+fecere disertum?  We poor innocents drink but too much without thirst.  Not
+I truly, who am a sinner, for I never drink without thirst, either present
+or future.  To prevent it, as you know, I drink for the thirst to come.  I
+drink eternally.  This is to me an eternity of drinking, and drinking of
+eternity.  Let us sing, let us drink, and tune up our roundelays.  Where is
+my funnel?  What, it seems I do not drink but by an attorney?  Do you wet
+yourselves to dry, or do you dry to wet you?  Pish, I understand not the
+rhetoric (theoric, I should say), but I help myself somewhat by the
+practice.  Baste! enough!  I sup, I wet, I humect, I moisten my gullet, I
+drink, and all for fear of dying.  Drink always and you shall never die.
+If I drink not, I am a-ground, dry, gravelled and spent.  I am stark dead
+without drink, and my soul ready to fly into some marsh amongst frogs; the
+soul never dwells in a dry place, drouth kills it.  O you butlers, creators
+of new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker, a perennity and
+everlastingness of sprinkling and bedewing me through these my parched and
+sinewy bowels.  He drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it.  This
+entereth into my veins,--the pissing tools and urinal vessels shall have
+nothing of it.  I would willingly wash the tripes of the calf which I
+apparelled this morning.  I have pretty well now ballasted my stomach and
+stuffed my paunch.  If the papers of my bonds and bills could drink as well
+as I do, my creditors would not want for wine when they come to see me, or
+when they are to make any formal exhibition of their rights to what of me
+they can demand.  This hand of yours spoils your nose.  O how many other
+such will enter here before this go out!  What, drink so shallow?  It is
+enough to break both girds and petrel.  This is called a cup of
+dissimulation, or flagonal hypocrisy.
+
+What difference is there between a bottle and a flagon.  Great difference;
+for the bottle is stopped and shut up with a stopple, but the flagon with a
+vice (La bouteille est fermee a bouchon, et le flaccon a vis.).  Bravely
+and well played upon the words!  Our fathers drank lustily, and emptied
+their cans.  Well cacked, well sung!  Come, let us drink:  will you send
+nothing to the river?  Here is one going to wash the tripes.  I drink no
+more than a sponge.  I drink like a Templar knight.  And I, tanquam
+sponsus.  And I, sicut terra sine aqua.  Give me a synonymon for a gammon
+of bacon.  It is the compulsory of drinkers:  it is a pulley.  By a
+pulley-rope wine is let down into a cellar, and by a gammon into the
+stomach. Hey! now, boys, hither, some drink, some drink.  There is no
+trouble in it. Respice personam, pone pro duos, bus non est in usu.  If I
+could get up as well as I can swallow down, I had been long ere now very
+high in the air.
+
+Thus became Tom Tosspot rich,--thus went in the tailor's stitch.  Thus did
+Bacchus conquer th' Inde--thus Philosophy, Melinde.  A little rain allays a
+great deal of wind:  long tippling breaks the thunder.  But if there came
+such liquor from my ballock, would you not willingly thereafter suck the
+udder whence it issued?  Here, page, fill!  I prithee, forget me not when
+it comes to my turn, and I will enter the election I have made of thee into
+the very register of my heart.  Sup, Guillot, and spare not, there is
+somewhat in the pot.  I appeal from thirst, and disclaim its jurisdiction.
+Page, sue out my appeal in form.  This remnant in the bottom of the glass
+must follow its leader.  I was wont heretofore to drink out all, but now I
+leave nothing.  Let us not make too much haste; it is requisite we carry
+all along with us.  Heyday, here are tripes fit for our sport, and, in
+earnest, excellent godebillios of the dun ox (you know) with the black
+streak.  O, for God's sake, let us lash them soundly, yet thriftily.
+Drink, or I will,--No, no, drink, I beseech you (Ou je vous, je vous
+prie.).  Sparrows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail, nor can I
+drink if I be not fairly spoke to.  The concavities of my body are like
+another Hell for their capacity.  Lagonaedatera (lagon lateris cavitas:
+aides orcus: and eteros alter.).  There is not a corner, nor coney-burrow in
+all my body, where this wine doth not ferret out my thirst.  Ho, this will
+bang it soundly.  But this shall banish it utterly.  Let us wind our horns
+by the sound of flagons and bottles, and cry aloud, that whoever hath lost
+his thirst come not hither to seek it.  Long clysters of drinking are to be
+voided without doors.  The great God made the planets, and we make the
+platters neat.  I have the word of the gospel in my mouth, Sitio.  The
+stone called asbestos is not more unquenchable than the thirst of my
+paternity.  Appetite comes with eating, says Angeston, but the thirst goes
+away with drinking.  I have a remedy against thirst, quite contrary to that
+which is good against the biting of a mad dog.  Keep running after a dog,
+and he will never bite you; drink always before the thirst, and it will
+never come upon you.  There I catch you, I awake you.  Argus had a hundred
+eyes for his sight, a butler should have (like Briareus) a hundred hands
+wherewith to fill us wine indefatigably.  Hey now, lads, let us moisten
+ourselves, it will be time to dry hereafter.  White wine here, wine, boys!
+Pour out all in the name of Lucifer, fill here, you, fill and fill
+(peascods on you) till it be full.  My tongue peels.  Lans trinque; to
+thee, countryman, I drink to thee, good fellow, comrade to thee, lusty,
+lively!  Ha, la, la, that was drunk to some purpose, and bravely gulped
+over.  O lachryma Christi, it is of the best grape!  I'faith, pure Greek,
+Greek!  O the fine white wine! upon my conscience, it is a kind of taffetas
+wine,--hin, hin, it is of one ear, well wrought, and of good wool.
+Courage, comrade, up thy heart, billy!  We will not be beasted at this
+bout, for I have got one trick.  Ex hoc in hoc.  There is no enchantment
+nor charm there, every one of you hath seen it.  My 'prenticeship is out, I
+am a free man at this trade.  I am prester mast (Prestre mace, maistre
+passe.), Prish, Brum!  I should say, master past.  O the drinkers, those
+that are a-dry, O poor thirsty souls!  Good page, my friend, fill me here
+some, and crown the wine, I pray thee.  Like a cardinal!  Natura abhorret
+vacuum.  Would you say that a fly could drink in this?  This is after the
+fashion of Switzerland.  Clear off, neat, supernaculum!  Come, therefore,
+blades, to this divine liquor and celestial juice, swill it over heartily,
+and spare not!  It is a decoction of nectar and ambrosia.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.VI.
+
+How Gargantua was born in a strange manner.
+
+Whilst they were on this discourse and pleasant tattle of drinking,
+Gargamelle began to be a little unwell in her lower parts; whereupon
+Grangousier arose from off the grass, and fell to comfort her very honestly
+and kindly, suspecting that she was in travail, and told her that it was
+best for her to sit down upon the grass under the willows, because she was
+like very shortly to see young feet, and that therefore it was convenient
+she should pluck up her spirits, and take a good heart of new at the fresh
+arrival of her baby; saying to her withal, that although the pain was
+somewhat grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance, and that
+the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort that she
+should not so much as remember it.  On, with a sheep's courage! quoth he.
+Despatch this boy, and we will speedily fall to work for the making of
+another.  Ha! said she, so well as you speak at your own ease, you that are
+men!  Well, then, in the name of God, I'll do my best, seeing that you will
+have it so, but would to God that it were cut off from you!  What? said
+Grangousier.  Ha, said she, you are a good man indeed, you understand it
+well enough.  What, my member? said he.  By the goat's blood, if it please
+you, that shall be done instantly; cause bring hither a knife.  Alas, said
+she, the Lord forbid, and pray Jesus to forgive me!  I did not say it from
+my heart, therefore let it alone, and do not do it neither more nor less
+any kind of harm for my speaking so to you.  But I am like to have work
+enough to do to-day and all for your member, yet God bless you and it.
+
+Courage, courage, said he, take you no care of the matter, let the four
+foremost oxen do the work.  I will yet go drink one whiff more, and if in
+the mean time anything befall you that may require my presence, I will be
+so near to you, that, at the first whistling in your fist, I shall be with
+you forthwith.  A little while after she began to groan, lament and cry.
+Then suddenly came the midwives from all quarters, who groping her below,
+found some peloderies, which was a certain filthy stuff, and of a taste
+truly bad enough.  This they thought had been the child, but it was her
+fundament, that was slipped out with the mollification of her straight
+entrail, which you call the bum-gut, and that merely by eating of too many
+tripes, as we have showed you before.  Whereupon an old ugly trot in the
+company, who had the repute of an expert she-physician, and was come from
+Brisepaille, near to Saint Genou, three score years before, made her so
+horrible a restrictive and binding medicine, and whereby all her larris,
+arse-pipes, and conduits were so oppilated, stopped, obstructed, and
+contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your
+teeth, which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the Devil at the
+mass at Saint Martin's was puzzled with the like task, when with his teeth
+he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle-tattle of
+two young mangy whores.  By this inconvenient the cotyledons of her matrix
+were presently loosed, through which the child sprang up and leaped, and
+so, entering into the hollow vein, did climb by the diaphragm even above
+her shoulders, where the vein divides itself into two, and from thence
+taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at her left ear.  As
+soon as he was born, he cried not as other babes use to do, Miez, miez,
+miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy, and big voice shouted about, Some
+drink, some drink, some drink, as inviting all the world to drink with him.
+The noise hereof was so extremely great, that it was heard in both the
+countries at once of Beauce and Bibarois.  I doubt me, that you do not
+thoroughly believe the truth of this strange nativity.  Though you believe
+it not, I care not much:  but an honest man, and of good judgment,
+believeth still what is told him, and that which he finds written.
+
+Is this beyond our law or our faith--against reason or the holy Scripture?
+For my part, I find nothing in the sacred Bible that is against it.  But
+tell me, if it had been the will of God, would you say that he could not do
+it?  Ha, for favour sake, I beseech you, never emberlucock or inpulregafize
+your spirits with these vain thoughts and idle conceits; for I tell you, it
+is not impossible with God, and, if he pleased, all women henceforth should
+bring forth their children at the ear.  Was not Bacchus engendered out of
+the very thigh of Jupiter?  Did not Roquetaillade come out at his mother's
+heel, and Crocmoush from the slipper of his nurse?  Was not Minerva born of
+the brain, even through the ear of Jove?  Adonis, of the bark of a myrrh
+tree; and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that egg which was laid and
+hatched by Leda?  But you would wonder more, and with far greater
+amazement, if I should now present you with that chapter of Plinius,
+wherein he treateth of strange births, and contrary to nature, and yet am
+not I so impudent a liar as he was.  Read the seventh book of his Natural
+History, chap.3, and trouble not my head any more about this.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.VII.
+
+After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, and how he tippled,
+bibbed, and curried the can.
+
+The good man Grangousier, drinking and making merry with the rest, heard
+the horrible noise which his son had made as he entered into the light of
+this world, when he cried out, Some drink, some drink, some drink;
+whereupon he said in French, Que grand tu as et souple le gousier! that is
+to say, How great and nimble a throat thou hast.  Which the company
+hearing, said that verily the child ought to be called Gargantua; because
+it was the first word that after his birth his father had spoke, in
+imitation, and at the example of the ancient Hebrews; whereunto he
+condescended, and his mother was very well pleased therewith.  In the
+meanwhile, to quiet the child, they gave him to drink a tirelaregot, that
+is, till his throat was like to crack with it; then was he carried to the
+font, and there baptized, according to the manner of good Christians.
+
+Immediately thereafter were appointed for him seventeen thousand, nine
+hundred, and thirteen cows of the towns of Pautille and Brehemond, to
+furnish him with milk in ordinary, for it was impossible to find a nurse
+sufficient for him in all the country, considering the great quantity of
+milk that was requisite for his nourishment; although there were not
+wanting some doctors of the opinion of Scotus, who affirmed that his own
+mother gave him suck, and that she could draw out of her breasts one
+thousand, four hundred, two pipes, and nine pails of milk at every time.
+
+Which indeed is not probable, and this point hath been found duggishly
+scandalous and offensive to tender ears, for that it savoured a little of
+heresy.  Thus was he handled for one year and ten months; after which time,
+by the advice of physicians, they began to carry him, and then was made for
+him a fine little cart drawn with oxen, of the invention of Jan Denio,
+wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy; and he was worth
+the seeing, for he was a fine boy, had a burly physiognomy, and almost ten
+chins.  He cried very little, but beshit himself every hour:  for, to speak
+truly of him, he was wonderfully phlegmatic in his posteriors, both by
+reason of his natural complexion and the accidental disposition which had
+befallen him by his too much quaffing of the Septembral juice.  Yet without
+a cause did not he sup one drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angry,
+displeased, or sorry, if he did fret, if he did weep, if he did cry, and
+what grievous quarter soever he kept, in bringing him some drink, he would
+be instantly pacified, reseated in his own temper, in a good humour again,
+and as still and quiet as ever.  One of his governesses told me (swearing
+by her fig), how he was so accustomed to this kind of way, that, at the
+sound of pints and flagons, he would on a sudden fall into an ecstasy, as
+if he had then tasted of the joys of paradise; so that they, upon
+consideration of this, his divine complexion, would every morning, to cheer
+him up, play with a knife upon the glasses, on the bottles with their
+stopples, and on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers, at the sound
+whereof he became gay, did leap for joy, would loll and rock himself in the
+cradle, then nod with his head, monochordizing with his fingers, and
+barytonizing with his tail.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.VIII.
+
+How they apparelled Gargantua.
+
+Being of this age, his father ordained to have clothes made to him in his
+own livery, which was white and blue.  To work then went the tailors, and
+with great expedition were those clothes made, cut, and sewed, according to
+the fashion that was then in request.  I find by the ancient records or
+pancarts, to be seen in the chamber of accounts, or court of the exchequer
+at Montsoreau, that he was accoutred in manner as followeth.  To make him
+every shirt of his were taken up nine hundred ells of Chasteleraud linen,
+and two hundred for the gussets, in manner of cushions, which they put
+under his armpits.  His shirt was not gathered nor plaited, for the
+plaiting of shirts was not found out till the seamstresses (when the point
+of their needle (Besongner du cul, Englished The eye of the needle.) was
+broken) began to work and occupy with the tail.  There were taken up for
+his doublet, eight hundred and thirteen ells of white satin, and for his
+points fifteen hundred and nine dogs' skins and a half.  Then was it that
+men began to tie their breeches to their doublets, and not their doublets
+to their breeches:  for it is against nature, as hath most amply been
+showed by Ockham upon the exponibles of Master Haultechaussade.
+
+For his breeches were taken up eleven hundred and five ells and a third of
+white broadcloth.  They were cut in the form of pillars, chamfered,
+channelled and pinked behind that they might not over-heat his reins:  and
+were, within the panes, puffed out with the lining of as much blue damask
+as was needful:  and remark, that he had very good leg-harness,
+proportionable to the rest of his stature.
+
+For his codpiece were used sixteen ells and a quarter of the same cloth,
+and it was fashioned on the top like unto a triumphant arch, most gallantly
+fastened with two enamelled clasps, in each of which was set a great
+emerald, as big as an orange; for, as says Orpheus, lib. de lapidibus, and
+Plinius, libro ultimo, it hath an erective virtue and comfortative of the
+natural member.  The exiture, outjecting or outstanding, of his codpiece
+was of the length of a yard, jagged and pinked, and withal bagging, and
+strutting out with the blue damask lining, after the manner of his
+breeches.  But had you seen the fair embroidery of the small needlework
+purl, and the curiously interlaced knots, by the goldsmith's art set out
+and trimmed with rich diamonds, precious rubies, fine turquoises, costly
+emeralds, and Persian pearls, you would have compared it to a fair
+cornucopia, or horn of abundance, such as you see in antiques, or as Rhea
+gave to the two nymphs, Amalthea and Ida, the nurses of Jupiter.
+
+And, like to that horn of abundance, it was still gallant, succulent,
+droppy, sappy, pithy, lively, always flourishing, always fructifying, full
+of juice, full of flower, full of fruit, and all manner of delight.  I avow
+God, it would have done one good to have seen him, but I will tell you more
+of him in the book which I have made of the dignity of codpieces.  One
+thing I will tell you, that as it was both long and large, so was it well
+furnished and victualled within, nothing like unto the hypocritical
+codpieces of some fond wooers and wench-courtiers, which are stuffed only
+with wind, to the great prejudice of the female sex.
+
+For his shoes were taken up four hundred and six ells of blue
+crimson-velvet, and were very neatly cut by parallel lines, joined in
+uniform cylinders.  For the soling of them were made use of eleven hundred
+hides of brown cows, shapen like the tail of a keeling.
+
+For his coat were taken up eighteen hundred ells of blue velvet, dyed in
+grain, embroidered in its borders with fair gilliflowers, in the middle
+decked with silver purl, intermixed with plates of gold and store of
+pearls, hereby showing that in his time he would prove an especial good
+fellow and singular whipcan.
+
+His girdle was made of three hundred ells and a half of silken serge, half
+white and half blue, if I mistake it not.  His sword was not of Valentia,
+nor his dagger of Saragossa, for his father could not endure these hidalgos
+borrachos maranisados como diablos:  but he had a fair sword made of wood,
+and the dagger of boiled leather, as well painted and gilded as any man
+could wish.
+
+His purse was made of the cod of an elephant, which was given him by Herr
+Pracontal, proconsul of Lybia.
+
+For his gown were employed nine thousand six hundred ells, wanting
+two-thirds, of blue velvet, as before, all so diagonally purled, that by
+true perspective issued thence an unnamed colour, like that you see in the
+necks of turtle-doves or turkey-cocks, which wonderfully rejoiced the eyes
+of the beholders.  For his bonnet or cap were taken up three hundred, two
+ells and a quarter of white velvet, and the form thereof was wide and round,
+of the bigness of his head; for his father said that the caps of the
+Marrabaise fashion, made like the cover of a pasty, would one time or other
+bring a mischief on those that wore them.  For his plume, he wore a fair
+great blue feather, plucked from an onocrotal of the country of Hircania the
+wild, very prettily hanging down over his right ear.  For the jewel or
+brooch which in his cap he carried, he had in a cake of gold, weighing three
+score and eight marks, a fair piece enamelled, wherein was portrayed a man's
+body with two heads, looking towards one another, four arms, four feet, two
+arses, such as Plato, in Symposio, says was the mystical beginning of man's
+nature; and about it was written in Ionic letters, Agame ou zetei ta eautes,
+or rather, Aner kai gune zugada anthrotos idiaitata, that is, Vir et mulier
+junctim propriissime homo.  To wear about his neck, he had a golden chain,
+weighing twenty-five thousand and sixty-three marks of gold, the links
+thereof being made after the manner of great berries, amongst which were set
+in work green jaspers engraven and cut dragon-like, all environed with beams
+and sparks, as king Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them:  and it reached
+down to the very bust of the rising of his belly, whereby he reaped great
+benefit all his life long, as the Greek physicians know well enough.  For
+his gloves were put in work sixteen otters' skins, and three of the
+loupgarous, or men-eating wolves, for the bordering of them:  and of this
+stuff were they made, by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlouand.  As
+for the rings which his father would have him to wear, to renew the ancient
+mark of nobility, he had on the forefinger of his left hand a carbuncle as
+big as an ostrich's egg, enchased very daintily in gold of the fineness of a
+Turkey seraph.  Upon the middle finger of the same hand he had a ring made
+of four metals together, of the strangest fashion that ever was seen; so
+that the steel did not crash against the gold, nor the silver crush the
+copper.  All this was made by Captain Chappuys, and Alcofribas his good
+agent.  On the medical finger of his right hand he had a ring made
+spire-wise, wherein was set a perfect Balas ruby, a pointed diamond, and
+a Physon emerald, of an inestimable value.  For Hans Carvel, the king of
+Melinda's jeweller, esteemed them at the rate of threescore nine millions,
+eight hundred ninety-four thousand, and eighteen French crowns of Berry, and
+at so much did the Foucres of Augsburg prize them.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.IX.
+
+The colours and liveries of Gargantua.
+
+Gargantua's colours were white and blue, as I have showed you before, by
+which his father would give us to understand that his son to him was a
+heavenly joy; for the white did signify gladness, pleasure, delight, and
+rejoicing, and the blue, celestial things.  I know well enough that, in
+reading this, you laugh at the old drinker, and hold this exposition of
+colours to be very extravagant, and utterly disagreeable to reason, because
+white is said to signify faith, and blue constancy.  But without moving,
+vexing, heating, or putting you in a chafe (for the weather is dangerous),
+answer me, if it please you; for no other compulsory way of arguing will I
+use towards you, or any else; only now and then I will mention a word or
+two of my bottle.  What is it that induceth you, what stirs you up to
+believe, or who told you that white signifieth faith, and blue constancy?
+An old paltry book, say you, sold by the hawking pedlars and balladmongers,
+entitled The Blason of Colours.  Who made it?  Whoever it was, he was wise
+in that he did not set his name to it.  But, besides, I know not what I
+should rather admire in him, his presumption or his sottishness.  His
+presumption and overweening, for that he should without reason, without
+cause, or without any appearance of truth, have dared to prescribe, by his
+private authority, what things should be denotated and signified by the
+colour:  which is the custom of tyrants, who will have their will to bear
+sway in stead of equity, and not of the wise and learned, who with the
+evidence of reason satisfy their readers.  His sottishness and want of
+spirit, in that he thought that, without any other demonstration or
+sufficient argument, the world would be pleased to make his blockish and
+ridiculous impositions the rule of their devices.  In effect, according to
+the proverb, To a shitten tail fails never ordure, he hath found, it seems,
+some simple ninny in those rude times of old, when the wearing of high
+round bonnets was in fashion, who gave some trust to his writings,
+according to which they carved and engraved their apophthegms and mottoes,
+trapped and caparisoned their mules and sumpter-horses, apparelled their
+pages, quartered their breeches, bordered their gloves, fringed the
+curtains and valances of their beds, painted their ensigns, composed songs,
+and, which is worse, placed many deceitful jugglings and unworthy base
+tricks undiscoveredly amongst the very chastest matrons and most reverend
+sciences.  In the like darkness and mist of ignorance are wrapped up these
+vain-glorious courtiers and name-transposers, who, going about in their
+impresas to signify esperance (that is, hope), have portrayed a sphere--and
+birds' pennes for pains--l'ancholie (which is the flower colombine) for
+melancholy--a waning moon or crescent, to show the increasing or rising of
+one's fortune--a bench rotten and broken, to signify bankrupt--non and a
+corslet for non dur habit (otherwise non durabit, it shall not last), un
+lit sans ciel, that is, a bed without a tester, for un licencie, a
+graduated person, as bachelor in divinity or utter barrister-at-law; which
+are equivocals so absurd and witless, so barbarous and clownish, that a
+fox's tail should be fastened to the neck-piece of, and a vizard made of a
+cowsherd given to everyone that henceforth should offer, after the
+restitution of learning, to make use of any such fopperies in France.
+
+By the same reasons (if reasons I should call them, and not ravings rather,
+and idle triflings about words), might I cause paint a pannier, to signify
+that I am in pain--a mustard-pot, that my heart tarries much for't--one
+pissing upwards for a bishop--the bottom of a pair of breeches for a vessel
+full of fart-hings--a codpiece for the office of the clerks of the
+sentences, decrees, or judgments, or rather, as the English bears it, for
+the tail of a codfish--and a dog's turd for the dainty turret wherein lies
+the love of my sweetheart.  Far otherwise did heretofore the sages of
+Egypt, when they wrote by letters, which they called hieroglyphics, which
+none understood who were not skilled in the virtue, property, and nature of
+the things represented by them.  Of which Orus Apollon hath in Greek
+composed two books, and Polyphilus, in his Dream of Love, set down more.
+In France you have a taste of them in the device or impresa of my Lord
+Admiral, which was carried before that time by Octavian Augustus.  But my
+little skiff alongst these unpleasant gulfs and shoals will sail no
+further, therefore must I return to the port from whence I came.  Yet do I
+hope one day to write more at large of these things, and to show both by
+philosophical arguments and authorities, received and approved of by and
+from all antiquity, what, and how many colours there are in nature, and
+what may be signified by every one of them, if God save the mould of my
+cap, which is my best wine-pot, as my grandam said.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.X.
+
+Of that which is signified by the colours white and blue.
+
+The white therefore signifieth joy, solace, and gladness, and that not at
+random, but upon just and very good grounds:  which you may perceive to be
+true, if laying aside all prejudicate affections, you will but give ear to
+what presently I shall expound unto you.
+
+Aristotle saith that, supposing two things contrary in their kind, as good
+and evil, virtue and vice, heat and cold, white and black, pleasure and
+pain, joy and grief,--and so of others,--if you couple them in such manner
+that the contrary of one kind may agree in reason with the contrary of the
+other, it must follow by consequence that the other contrary must answer to
+the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is conferred.  As, for example,
+virtue and vice are contrary in one kind, so are good and evil.  If one of
+the contraries of the first kind be consonant to one of those of the
+second, as virtue and goodness, for it is clear that virtue is good, so
+shall the other two contraries, which are evil and vice, have the same
+connection, for vice is evil.
+
+This logical rule being understood, take these two contraries, joy and
+sadness; then these other two, white and black, for they are physically
+contrary.  If so be, then, that black do signify grief, by good reason then
+should white import joy.  Nor is this signification instituted by human
+imposition, but by the universal consent of the world received, which
+philosophers call Jus Gentium, the Law of Nations, or an uncontrollable
+right of force in all countries whatsoever.  For you know well enough that
+all people, and all languages and nations, except the ancient Syracusans
+and certain Argives, who had cross and thwarting souls, when they mean
+outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, go in black; and all mourning
+is done with black.  Which general consent is not without some argument and
+reason in nature, the which every man may by himself very suddenly
+comprehend, without the instruction of any--and this we call the law of
+nature.  By virtue of the same natural instinct we know that by white all
+the world hath understood joy, gladness, mirth, pleasure, and delight.  In
+former times the Thracians and Cretans did mark their good, propitious, and
+fortunate days with white stones, and their sad, dismal, and unfortunate
+ones with black.  Is not the night mournful, sad, and melancholic?  It is
+black and dark by the privation of light.  Doth not the light comfort all
+the world?  And it is more white than anything else.  Which to prove, I
+could direct you to the book of Laurentius Valla against Bartolus; but an
+evangelical testimony I hope will content you.  Matth. 17 it is said that,
+at the transfiguration of our Lord, Vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut
+lux, his apparel was made white like the light.  By which lightsome
+whiteness he gave his three apostles to understand the idea and figure of
+the eternal joys; for by the light are all men comforted, according to the
+word of the old woman, who, although she had never a tooth in her head, was
+wont to say, Bona lux.  And Tobit, chap.5, after he had lost his sight,
+when Raphael saluted him, answered, What joy can I have, that do not see
+the light of Heaven?  In that colour did the angels testify the joy of the
+whole world at the resurrection of our Saviour, John 20, and at his
+ascension, Acts 1.  With the like colour of vesture did St. John the
+Evangelist, Apoc. 4.7, see the faithful clothed in the heavenly and blessed
+Jerusalem.
+
+Read the ancient, both Greek and Latin histories, and you shall find that
+the town of Alba (the first pattern of Rome) was founded and so named by
+reason of a white sow that was seen there.  You shall likewise find in
+those stories, that when any man, after he had vanquished his enemies, was
+by decree of the senate to enter into Rome triumphantly, he usually rode in
+a chariot drawn by white horses:  which in the ovation triumph was also the
+custom; for by no sign or colour would they so significantly express the
+joy of their coming as by the white.  You shall there also find, how
+Pericles, the general of the Athenians, would needs have that part of his
+army unto whose lot befell the white beans, to spend the whole day in
+mirth, pleasure, and ease, whilst the rest were a-fighting.  A thousand
+other examples and places could I allege to this purpose, but that it is
+not here where I should do it.
+
+By understanding hereof, you may resolve one problem, which Alexander
+Aphrodiseus hath accounted unanswerable:  why the lion, who with his only
+cry and roaring affrights all beasts, dreads and feareth only a white cock?
+For, as Proclus saith, Libro de Sacrificio et Magia, it is because the
+presence of the virtue of the sun, which is the organ and promptuary of all
+terrestrial and sidereal light, doth more symbolize and agree with a white
+cock, as well in regard of that colour, as of his property and specifical
+quality, than with a lion.  He saith, furthermore, that devils have been
+often seen in the shape of lions, which at the sight of a white cock have
+presently vanished.  This is the cause why Galli or Gallices (so are the
+Frenchmen called, because they are naturally white as milk, which the
+Greeks call Gala,) do willingly wear in their caps white feathers, for by
+nature they are of a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious, and
+well-beloved, and for their cognizance and arms have the whitest flower
+of any, the Flower de luce or Lily.
+
+If you demand how, by white, nature would have us understand joy and
+gladness, I answer, that the analogy and uniformity is thus.  For, as the
+white doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rays of the sight, whereby
+the optic spirits are manifestly dissolved, according to the opinion of
+Aristotle in his problems and perspective treatises; as you may likewise
+perceive by experience, when you pass over mountains covered with snow, how
+you will complain that you cannot see well; as Xenophon writes to have
+happened to his men, and as Galen very largely declareth, lib. 10, de usu
+partium:  just so the heart with excessive joy is inwardly dilated, and
+suffereth a manifest resolution of the vital spirits, which may go so far
+on that it may thereby be deprived of its nourishment, and by consequence
+of life itself, by this perichary or extremity of gladness, as Galen saith,
+lib. 12, method, lib. 5, de locis affectis, and lib. 2, de symptomatum
+causis.  And as it hath come to pass in former times, witness Marcus
+Tullius, lib. 1, Quaest. Tuscul., Verrius, Aristotle, Titus Livius, in his
+relation of the battle of Cannae, Plinius, lib. 7, cap. 32 and 34, A.
+Gellius, lib. 3, c. 15, and many other writers,--to Diagoras the Rhodian,
+Chilon, Sophocles, Dionysius the tyrant of Sicily, Philippides, Philemon,
+Polycrates, Philistion, M. Juventi, and others who died with joy.  And as
+Avicen speaketh, in 2 canon et lib. de virib. cordis, of the saffron, that
+it doth so rejoice the heart that, if you take of it excessively, it will
+by a superfluous resolution and dilation deprive it altogether of life.
+Here peruse Alex. Aphrodiseus, lib. 1, Probl., cap. 19, and that for a
+cause.  But what?  It seems I am entered further into this point than I
+intended at the first.  Here, therefore, will I strike sail, referring the
+rest to that book of mine which handleth this matter to the full.
+Meanwhile, in a word I will tell you, that blue doth certainly signify
+heaven and heavenly things, by the same very tokens and symbols that white
+signifieth joy and pleasure.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XI.
+
+Of the youthful age of Gargantua.
+
+Gargantua, from three years upwards unto five, was brought up and
+instructed in all convenient discipline by the commandment of his father;
+and spent that time like the other little children of the country, that is,
+in drinking, eating, and sleeping:  in eating, sleeping, and drinking:  and
+in sleeping, drinking, and eating.  Still he wallowed and rolled up and
+down himself in the mire and dirt--he blurred and sullied his nose with
+filth--he blotted and smutched his face with any kind of scurvy stuff--he
+trod down his shoes in the heel--at the flies he did oftentimes yawn, and
+ran very heartily after the butterflies, the empire whereof belonged to his
+father.  He pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wiped his nose on
+his sleeve--he did let his snot and snivel fall in his pottage, and
+dabbled, paddled, and slobbered everywhere--he would drink in his slipper,
+and ordinarily rub his belly against a pannier.  He sharpened his teeth
+with a top, washed his hands with his broth, and combed his head with a
+bowl.  He would sit down betwixt two stools, and his arse to the ground
+--would cover himself with a wet sack, and drink in eating of his soup.  He
+did eat his cake sometimes without bread, would bite in laughing, and laugh
+in biting.  Oftentimes did he spit in the basin, and fart for fatness, piss
+against the sun, and hide himself in the water for fear of rain.  He would
+strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle
+it.  He would flay the fox, say the ape's paternoster, return to his sheep,
+and turn the hogs to the hay.  He would beat the dogs before the lion, put
+the plough before the oxen, and claw where it did not itch.  He would pump
+one to draw somewhat out of him, by griping all would hold fast nothing,
+and always eat his white bread first.  He shoed the geese, kept a
+self-tickling to make himself laugh, and was very steadable in the kitchen:
+made a mock at the gods, would cause sing Magnificat at matins, and found
+it very convenient so to do.  He would eat cabbage, and shite beets,--knew
+flies in a dish of milk, and would make them lose their feet.  He would
+scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away as hard as he could.  He would
+pull at the kid's leather, or vomit up his dinner, then reckon without his
+host.  He would beat the bushes without catching the birds, thought the
+moon was made of green cheese, and that bladders are lanterns.  Out of one
+sack he would take two moultures or fees for grinding; would act the ass's
+part to get some bran, and of his fist would make a mallet.  He took the
+cranes at the first leap, and would have the mail-coats to be made link
+after link.  He always looked a given horse in the mouth, leaped from the
+cock to the ass, and put one ripe between two green.  By robbing Peter he
+paid Paul, he kept the moon from the wolves, and hoped to catch larks if
+ever the heavens should fall.  He did make of necessity virtue, of such
+bread such pottage, and cared as little for the peeled as for the shaven.
+Every morning he did cast up his gorge, and his father's little dogs eat
+out of the dish with him, and he with them.  He would bite their ears, and
+they would scratch his nose--he would blow in their arses, and they would
+lick his chaps.
+
+But hearken, good fellows, the spigot ill betake you, and whirl round your
+brains, if you do not give ear!  This little lecher was always groping his
+nurses and governesses, upside down, arsiversy, topsyturvy, harri
+bourriquet, with a Yacco haick, hyck gio! handling them very rudely in
+jumbling and tumbling them to keep them going; for he had already begun to
+exercise the tools, and put his codpiece in practice.  Which codpiece, or
+braguette, his governesses did every day deck up and adorn with fair
+nosegays, curious rubies, sweet flowers, and fine silken tufts, and very
+pleasantly would pass their time in taking you know what between their
+fingers, and dandling it, till it did revive and creep up to the bulk and
+stiffness of a suppository, or street magdaleon, which is a hard rolled-up
+salve spread upon leather.  Then did they burst out in laughing, when they
+saw it lift up its ears, as if the sport had liked them.  One of them would
+call it her little dille, her staff of love, her quillety, her faucetin,
+her dandilolly.  Another, her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her
+membretoon, her quickset imp:  another again, her branch of coral, her
+female adamant, her placket-racket, her Cyprian sceptre, her jewel for
+ladies.  And some of the other women would give it these names,--my
+bunguetee, my stopple too, my bush-rusher, my gallant wimble, my pretty
+borer, my coney-burrow-ferret, my little piercer, my augretine, my dangling
+hangers, down right to it, stiff and stout, in and to, my pusher, dresser,
+pouting stick, my honey pipe, my pretty pillicock, linky pinky, futilletie,
+my lusty andouille, and crimson chitterling, my little couille bredouille,
+my pretty rogue, and so forth.  It belongs to me, said one.  It is mine,
+said the other.  What, quoth a third, shall I have no share in it?  By my
+faith, I will cut it then.  Ha, to cut it, said the other, would hurt him.
+Madam, do you cut little children's things?  Were his cut off, he would be
+then Monsieur sans queue, the curtailed master.  And that he might play and
+sport himself after the manner of the other little children of the country,
+they made him a fair weather whirl-jack of the wings of the windmill of
+Myrebalais.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XII.
+
+Of Gargantua's wooden horses.
+
+Afterwards, that he might be all his lifetime a good rider, they made to
+him a fair great horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvet, jerk out
+behind, and skip forward, all at a time:  to pace, trot, rack, gallop,
+amble, to play the hobby, the hackney-gelding:  go the gait of the camel,
+and of the wild ass.  He made him also change his colour of hair, as the
+monks of Coultibo (according to the variety of their holidays) use to do
+their clothes, from bay brown, to sorrel, dapple-grey, mouse-dun,
+deer-colour, roan, cow-colour, gingioline, skewed colour, piebald, and the
+colour of the savage elk.
+
+Himself of a huge big post made a hunting nag, and another for daily
+service of the beam of a vinepress:  and of a great oak made up a mule,
+with a footcloth, for his chamber.  Besides this, he had ten or twelve
+spare horses, and seven horses for post; and all these were lodged in his
+own chamber, close by his bedside.  One day the Lord of Breadinbag
+(Painensac.) came to visit his father in great bravery, and with a gallant
+train:  and, at the same time, to see him came likewise the Duke of
+Freemeal (Francrepas.) and the Earl of Wetgullet (Mouillevent.).  The house
+truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow, but especially the
+stables; whereupon the steward and harbinger of the said Lord Breadinbag,
+to know if there were any other empty stable in the house, came to
+Gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him where the stables of
+the great horses were, thinking that children would be ready to tell all.
+Then he led them up along the stairs of the castle, passing by the second
+hall unto a broad great gallery, by which they entered into a large tower,
+and as they were going up at another pair of stairs, said the harbinger to
+the steward, This child deceives us, for the stables are never on the top
+of the house.  You may be mistaken, said the steward, for I know some
+places at Lyons, at the Basmette, at Chaisnon, and elsewhere, which have
+their stables at the very tops of the houses:  so it may be that behind the
+house there is a way to come to this ascent.  But I will question with him
+further.  Then said he to Gargantua, My pretty little boy, whither do you
+lead us?  To the stable, said he, of my great horses.  We are almost come
+to it; we have but these stairs to go up at.  Then leading them alongst
+another great hall, he brought them into his chamber, and, opening the
+door, said unto them, This is the stable you ask for; this is my jennet;
+this is my gelding; this is my courser, and this is my hackney, and laid on
+them with a great lever.  I will bestow upon you, said he, this Friesland
+horse; I had him from Frankfort, yet will I give him you; for he is a
+pretty little nag, and will go very well, with a tessel of goshawks, half a
+dozen of spaniels, and a brace of greyhounds:  thus are you king of the
+hares and partridges for all this winter.  By St. John, said they, now we
+are paid, he hath gleeked us to some purpose, bobbed we are now for ever.
+I deny it, said he,--he was not here above three days.  Judge you now,
+whether they had most cause, either to hide their heads for shame, or to
+laugh at the jest.  As they were going down again thus amazed, he asked
+them, Will you have a whimwham (Aubeliere.)?  What is that, said they?  It
+is, said he, five turds to make you a muzzle.  To-day, said the steward,
+though we happen to be roasted, we shall not be burnt, for we are pretty
+well quipped and larded, in my opinion.  O my jolly dapper boy, thou hast
+given us a gudgeon; I hope to see thee Pope before I die.  I think so, said
+he, myself; and then shall you be a puppy, and this gentle popinjay a
+perfect papelard, that is, dissembler.  Well, well, said the harbinger.
+But, said Gargantua, guess how many stitches there are in my mother's
+smock.  Sixteen, quoth the harbinger.  You do not speak gospel, said
+Gargantua, for there is cent before, and cent behind, and you did not
+reckon them ill, considering the two under holes.  When? said the
+harbinger.  Even then, said Gargantua, when they made a shovel of your nose
+to take up a quarter of dirt, and of your throat a funnel, wherewith to put
+it into another vessel, because the bottom of the old one was out.
+Cocksbod, said the steward, we have met with a prater.  Farewell, master
+tattler, God keep you, so goodly are the words which you come out with, and
+so fresh in your mouth, that it had need to be salted.
+
+Thus going down in great haste, under the arch of the stairs they let fall
+the great lever, which he had put upon their backs; whereupon Gargantua
+said, What a devil! you are, it seems, but bad horsemen, that suffer your
+bilder to fail you when you need him most.  If you were to go from hence to
+Cahusac, whether had you rather, ride on a gosling or lead a sow in a
+leash?  I had rather drink, said the harbinger.  With this they entered
+into the lower hall, where the company was, and relating to them this new
+story, they made them laugh like a swarm of flies.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XIII.
+
+How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father
+Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech.
+
+About the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning from the conquest of
+the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua.  There was he
+filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of
+his:  and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish
+questions of him about divers matters, and drank very freely with him and
+with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other
+things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet.  To this
+Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that
+in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he.  How
+is that? said Grangousier.  I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and
+curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the
+most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen.  What is that?
+said Grangousier, how is it?  I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua.
+Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman's velvet mask, and found it to be
+good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my
+fundament.  Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that
+was comfortable.  At another time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that
+I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there
+was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox
+take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance.
+Now I wish St. Antony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made
+them, and of her that wore them!  This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a
+page's cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzers' fashion.
+
+Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I
+wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and
+exulcerated all my perinee.  Of this I recovered the next morning
+thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent
+perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin.  After that I wiped me with sage,
+with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with
+beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows,
+wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach leaves.
+All this did very great good to my leg.  Then with mercury, with parsley,
+with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy,
+which I healed by wiping me with my braguette.  Then I wiped my tail in the
+sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras
+hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a
+handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than
+do the mangy dogs when you rub them.  Yea, but, said Grangousier, which
+torchecul did you find to be the best?  I was coming to it, said Gargantua,
+and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and
+knot of the matter.  I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with
+thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but,
+
+  Who his foul tail with paper wipes,
+  Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.
+
+What, said Grangousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that
+thou dost rhyme already?  Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I
+can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till I become hoarse with rheum.  Hark, what
+our privy says to the skiters:
+
+
+Shittard,
+Squirtard,
+Crackard,
+   Turdous,
+Thy bung
+Hath flung
+Some dung
+   On us:
+Filthard,
+Cackard,
+Stinkard,
+   St. Antony's fire seize on thy toane (bone?),
+If thy
+Dirty
+Dounby
+   Thou do not wipe, ere thou be gone.
+
+Will you have any more of it?  Yes, yes, answered Grangousier.  Then, said
+Gargantua,
+
+A Roundelay.
+
+In shitting yes'day I did know
+The sess I to my arse did owe:
+The smell was such came from that slunk,
+That I was with it all bestunk:
+O had but then some brave Signor
+Brought her to me I waited for,
+   In shitting!
+
+I would have cleft her watergap,
+And join'd it close to my flipflap,
+Whilst she had with her fingers guarded
+My foul nockandrow, all bemerded
+   In shitting.
+
+Now say that I can do nothing!  By the Merdi, they are not of my making,
+but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever
+since have retained them in the budget of my memory.
+
+Let us return to our purpose, said Grangousier.  What, said Gargantua, to
+skite?  No, said Grangousier, but to wipe our tail.  But, said Gargantua,
+will not you be content to pay a puncheon of Breton wine, if I do not blank
+and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus?  Yes, truly, said
+Grangousier.
+
+There is no need of wiping one's tail, said Gargantua, but when it is foul;
+foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we must
+before we wipe our tails.  O my pretty little waggish boy, said
+Grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast?  I will make thee very
+shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by
+G--, for thou hast more wit than age.  Now, I prithee, go on in this
+torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for
+one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton
+wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron.
+Afterwards I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow,
+with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and
+unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat.  Of hats, note that some are shorn,
+and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and others
+with satin.  The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very
+neat abstersion of the fecal matter.
+
+Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a
+calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an
+attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure.  But,
+to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps,
+bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is
+none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed,
+if you hold her head betwixt your legs.  And believe me therein upon mine
+honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful
+pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the
+temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut
+and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of
+the heart and brains.  And think not that the felicity of the heroes and
+demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel,
+ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this,
+according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a
+goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of
+Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XIV.
+
+How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister.
+
+The good man Grangousier having heard this discourse, was ravished with
+admiration, considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his
+son Gargantua, and said to his governesses, Philip, king of Macedon, knew
+the great wit of his son Alexander by his skilful managing of a horse; for
+his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure
+to ride him, after that he had given to his riders such devilish falls,
+breaking the neck of this man, the other man's leg, braining one, and
+putting another out of his jawbone.  This by Alexander being considered,
+one day in the hippodrome (which was a place appointed for the breaking and
+managing of great horses), he perceived that the fury of the horse
+proceeded merely from the fear he had of his own shadow, whereupon getting
+on his back, he run him against the sun, so that the shadow fell behind,
+and by that means tamed the horse and brought him to his hand.  Whereby his
+father, knowing the divine judgment that was in him, caused him most
+carefully to be instructed by Aristotle, who at that time was highly
+renowned above all the philosophers of Greece.  After the same manner I
+tell you, that by this only discourse, which now I have here had before you
+with my son Gargantua, I know that his understanding doth participate of
+some divinity, and that, if he be well taught, and have that education
+which is fitting, he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdom.  Therefore
+will I commit him to some learned man, to have him indoctrinated according
+to his capacity, and will spare no cost.  Presently they appointed him a
+great sophister-doctor, called Master Tubal Holofernes, who taught him his
+ABC so well, that he could say it by heart backwards; and about this he was
+five years and three months.  Then read he to him Donat, Le Facet,
+Theodolet, and Alanus in parabolis.  About this he was thirteen years, six
+months, and two weeks.  But you must remark that in the mean time he did
+learn to write in Gothic characters, and that he wrote all his books--for
+the art of printing was not then in use--and did ordinarily carry a great
+pen and inkhorn, weighing about seven thousand quintals (that is, 700,000
+pound weight), the penner whereof was as big and as long as the great
+pillars of Enay, and the horn was hanging to it in great iron chains, it
+being of the wideness of a tun of merchant ware.  After that he read unto
+him the book de modis significandi, with the commentaries of Hurtbise, of
+Fasquin, of Tropdieux, of Gualhaut, of John Calf, of Billonio, of
+Berlinguandus, and a rabble of others; and herein he spent more than
+eighteen years and eleven months, and was so well versed in it that, to try
+masteries in school disputes with his condisciples, he would recite it by
+heart backwards, and did sometimes prove on his finger-ends to his mother,
+quod de modis significandi non erat scientia.  Then did he read to him the
+compost for knowing the age of the moon, the seasons of the year, and tides
+of the sea, on which he spent sixteen years and two months, and that justly
+at the time that his said preceptor died of the French pox, which was in
+the year one thousand four hundred and twenty.  Afterwards he got an old
+coughing fellow to teach him, named Master Jobelin Bride, or muzzled dolt,
+who read unto him Hugutio, Hebrard('s) Grecism, the Doctrinal, the Parts,
+the Quid est, the Supplementum, Marmotretus, De moribus in mensa servandis,
+Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus, Passavantus cum commento, and
+Dormi secure for the holidays, and some other of such like mealy stuff, by
+reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an oven.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XV.
+
+How Gargantua was put under other schoolmasters.
+
+At the last his father perceived that indeed he studied hard, and that,
+although he spent all his time in it, he did nevertheless profit nothing,
+but which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted, and blockish,
+whereof making a heavy regret to Don Philip of Marays, Viceroy or Depute
+King of Papeligosse, he found that it were better for him to learn nothing
+at all, than to be taught such-like books, under such schoolmasters;
+because their knowledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wisdom but
+blunt foppish toys, serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits, and
+to corrupt all the flower of youth.  That it is so, take, said he, any
+young boy of this time who hath only studied two years,--if he have not a
+better judgment, a better discourse, and that expressed in better terms
+than your son, with a completer carriage and civility to all manner of
+persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and bacon-slicer of
+Brene.  This pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that it should
+be done.  At night at supper, the said Des Marays brought in a young page
+of his, of Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so neat, so trim, so handsome in
+his apparel, so spruce, with his hair in so good order, and so sweet and
+comely in his behaviour, that he had the resemblance of a little angel more
+than of a human creature.  Then he said to Grangousier, Do you see this
+young boy?  He is not as yet full twelve years old.  Let us try, if it
+please you, what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the doting
+Mateologians of old time and the young lads that are now.  The trial
+pleased Grangousier, and he commanded the page to begin.  Then Eudemon,
+asking leave of the vice-king his master so to do, with his cap in his
+hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful and ruddy lips, his eyes
+steady, and his looks fixed upon Gargantua with a youthful modesty,
+standing up straight on his feet, began very gracefully to commend him;
+first, for his virtue and good manners; secondly, for his knowledge,
+thirdly, for his nobility; fourthly, for his bodily accomplishments; and,
+in the fifth place, most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with
+all due observancy, who was so careful to have him well brought up.  In the
+end he prayed him, that he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the
+least of his servants; for other favour at that time desired he none of
+heaven, but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable service.  All
+this was by him delivered with such proper gestures, such distinct
+pronunciation, so pleasant a delivery, in such exquisite fine terms, and so
+good Latin, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, an Aemilius of the
+time past, than a youth of this age.  But all the countenance that
+Gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a cow, and cast down his
+face, hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from
+him, no more than a fart from a dead ass.  Whereat his father was so
+grievously vexed that he would have killed Master Jobelin, but the said Des
+Marays withheld him from it by fair persuasions, so that at length he
+pacified his wrath.  Then Grangousier commanded he should be paid his
+wages, that they should whittle him up soundly, like a sophister, with good
+drink, and then give him leave to go to all the devils in hell.  At least,
+said he, today shall it not cost his host much if by chance he should die
+as drunk as a Switzer.  Master Jobelin being gone out of the house,
+Grangousier consulted with the Viceroy what schoolmaster they should choose
+for him, and it was betwixt them resolved that Ponocrates, the tutor of
+Eudemon, should have the charge, and that they should go altogether to
+Paris, to know what was the study of the young men of France at that time.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XVI.
+
+How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great mare that he rode
+on; how she destroyed the oxflies of the Beauce.
+
+In the same season Fayoles, the fourth King of Numidia, sent out of the
+country of Africa to Grangousier the most hideously great mare that ever
+was seen, and of the strangest form, for you know well enough how it is
+said that Africa always is productive of some new thing.  She was as big as
+six elephants, and had her feet cloven into fingers, like Julius Caesar's
+horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like the goats in Languedoc, and a little
+horn on her buttock.  She was of a burnt sorrel hue, with a little mixture
+of dapple-grey spots, but above all she had a horrible tail; for it was
+little more or less than every whit as great as the steeple-pillar of St.
+Mark beside Langes:  and squared as that is, with tuffs and ennicroches or
+hair-plaits wrought within one another, no otherwise than as the beards are
+upon the ears of corn.
+
+If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the tails of the Scythian rams,
+which weighed above thirty pounds each; and of the Surian sheep, who need,
+if Tenaud say true, a little cart at their heels to bear up their tail, it
+is so long and heavy.  You female lechers in the plain countries have no
+such tails.  And she was brought by sea in three carricks and a brigantine
+unto the harbour of Olone in Thalmondois.  When Grangousier saw her, Here
+is, said he, what is fit to carry my son to Paris.  So now, in the name of
+God, all will be well.  He will in times coming be a great scholar.  If it
+were not, my masters, for the beasts, we should live like clerks.  The next
+morning--after they had drunk, you must understand--they took their
+journey; Gargantua, his pedagogue Ponocrates, and his train, and with them
+Eudemon, the young page.  And because the weather was fair and temperate,
+his father caused to be made for him a pair of dun boots,--Babin calls them
+buskins.  Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high
+way, always making good cheer, and were very pleasant till they came a
+little above Orleans, in which place there was a forest of five-and-thirty
+leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts.  This forest was
+most horribly fertile and copious in dorflies, hornets, and wasps, so that
+it was a very purgatory for the poor mares, asses, and horses.  But
+Gargantua's mare did avenge herself handsomely of all the outrages therein
+committed upon beasts of her kind, and that by a trick whereof they had no
+suspicion.  For as soon as ever they were entered into the said forest, and
+that the wasps had given the assault, she drew out and unsheathed her tail,
+and therewith skirmishing, did so sweep them that she overthrew all the
+wood alongst and athwart, here and there, this way and that way, longwise
+and sidewise, over and under, and felled everywhere the wood with as much
+ease as a mower doth the grass, in such sort that never since hath there
+been there neither wood nor dorflies:  for all the country was thereby
+reduced to a plain champaign field.  Which Gargantua took great pleasure to
+behold, and said to his company no more but this:  Je trouve beau ce (I
+find this pretty); whereupon that country hath been ever since that time
+called Beauce.  But all the breakfast the mare got that day was but a
+little yawning and gaping, in memory whereof the gentlemen of Beauce do as
+yet to this day break their fast with gaping, which they find to be very
+good, and do spit the better for it.  At last they came to Paris, where
+Gargantua refreshed himself two or three days, making very merry with his
+folks, and inquiring what men of learning there were then in the city, and
+what wine they drunk there.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XVII.
+
+How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and how he took away the
+great bells of Our Lady's Church.
+
+Some few days after that they had refreshed themselves, he went to see the
+city, and was beheld of everybody there with great admiration; for the
+people of Paris are so sottish, so badot, so foolish and fond by nature,
+that a juggler, a carrier of indulgences, a sumpter-horse, or mule with
+cymbals or tinkling bells, a blind fiddler in the middle of a cross lane,
+shall draw a greater confluence of people together than an evangelical
+preacher.  And they pressed so hard upon him that he was constrained to
+rest himself upon the towers of Our Lady's Church.  At which place, seeing
+so many about him, he said with a loud voice, I believe that these buzzards
+will have me to pay them here my welcome hither, and my Proficiat.  It is
+but good reason.  I will now give them their wine, but it shall be only in
+sport.  Then smiling, he untied his fair braguette, and drawing out his
+mentul into the open air, he so bitterly all-to-bepissed them, that he
+drowned two hundred and sixty thousand, four hundred and eighteen, besides
+the women and little children.  Some, nevertheless, of the company escaped
+this piss-flood by mere speed of foot, who, when they were at the higher
+end of the university, sweating, coughing, spitting, and out of breath,
+they began to swear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others in
+jest.  Carimari, carimara:  golynoly, golynolo.  By my sweet Sanctess, we
+are washed in sport, a sport truly to laugh at;--in French, Par ris, for
+which that city hath been ever since called Paris; whose name formerly was
+Leucotia, as Strabo testifieth, lib. quarto, from the Greek word leukotes,
+whiteness,--because of the white thighs of the ladies of that place.  And
+forasmuch as, at this imposition of a new name, all the people that were
+there swore everyone by the Sancts of his parish, the Parisians, which are
+patched up of all nations and all pieces of countries, are by nature both
+good jurors and good jurists, and somewhat overweening; whereupon Joanninus
+de Barrauco, libro de copiositate reverentiarum, thinks that they are
+called Parisians from the Greek word parresia, which signifies boldness and
+liberty in speech.  This done, he considered the great bells, which were in
+the said towers, and made them sound very harmoniously.  Which whilst he
+was doing, it came into his mind that they would serve very well for
+tingling tantans and ringing campanels to hang about his mare's neck when
+she should be sent back to his father, as he intended to do, loaded with
+Brie cheese and fresh herring.  And indeed he forthwith carried them to his
+lodging.  In the meanwhile there came a master beggar of the friars of St.
+Anthony to demand in his canting way the usual benevolence of some hoggish
+stuff, who, that he might be heard afar off, and to make the bacon he was
+in quest of shake in the very chimneys, made account to filch them away
+privily.  Nevertheless, he left them behind very honestly, not for that
+they were too hot, but that they were somewhat too heavy for his carriage.
+This was not he of Bourg, for he was too good a friend of mine.  All the
+city was risen up in sedition, they being, as you know, upon any slight
+occasion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that foreign nations
+wonder at the patience of the kings of France, who do not by good justice
+restrain them from such tumultuous courses, seeing the manifold
+inconveniences which thence arise from day to day.  Would to God I knew the
+shop wherein are forged these divisions and factious combinations, that I
+might bring them to light in the confraternities of my parish!  Believe for
+a truth, that the place wherein the people gathered together, were thus
+sulphured, hopurymated, moiled, and bepissed, was called Nesle, where then
+was, but now is no more, the oracle of Leucotia.  There was the case
+proposed, and the inconvenience showed of the transporting of the bells.
+After they had well ergoted pro and con, they concluded in baralipton, that
+they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the faculty unto
+Gargantua, to signify unto him the great and horrible prejudice they
+sustain by the want of those bells.  And notwithstanding the good reasons
+given in by some of the university why this charge was fitter for an orator
+than a sophister, there was chosen for this purpose our Master Janotus de
+Bragmardo.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XVIII.
+
+How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great bells.
+
+Master Janotus, with his hair cut round like a dish a la Caesarine, in his
+most antique accoutrement liripipionated with a graduate's hood, and having
+sufficiently antidoted his stomach with oven-marmalades, that is, bread and
+holy water of the cellar, transported himself to the lodging of Gargantua,
+driving before him three red-muzzled beadles, and dragging after him five
+or six artless masters, all thoroughly bedaggled with the mire of the
+streets.  At their entry Ponocrates met them, who was afraid, seeing them
+so disguised, and thought they had been some masquers out of their wits,
+which moved him to inquire of one of the said artless masters of the
+company what this mummery meant.  It was answered him, that they desired to
+have their bells restored to them.  As soon as Ponocrates heard that, he
+ran in all haste to carry the news unto Gargantua, that he might be ready
+to answer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done.  Gargantua being
+advertised hereof, called apart his schoolmaster Ponocrates, Philotimus,
+steward of his house, Gymnastes, his esquire, and Eudemon, and very
+summarily conferred with them, both of what he should do and what answer he
+should give.  They were all of opinion that they should bring them unto the
+goblet-office, which is the buttery, and there make them drink like
+roysters and line their jackets soundly.  And that this cougher might not
+be puffed up with vain-glory by thinking the bells were restored at his
+request, they sent, whilst he was chopining and plying the pot, for the
+mayor of the city, the rector of the faculty, and the vicar of the church,
+unto whom they resolved to deliver the bells before the sophister had
+propounded his commission.  After that, in their hearing, he should
+pronounce his gallant oration, which was done; and they being come, the
+sophister was brought in full hall, and began as followeth, in coughing.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XIX.
+
+The oration of Master Janotus de Bragmardo for recovery of the bells.
+
+Hem, hem, gud-day, sirs, gud-day.  Et vobis, my masters.  It were but
+reason that you should restore to us our bells; for we have great need of
+them.  Hem, hem, aihfuhash.  We have oftentimes heretofore refused good
+money for them of those of London in Cahors, yea and those of Bourdeaux in
+Brie, who would have bought them for the substantific quality of the
+elementary complexion, which is intronificated in the terrestreity of their
+quidditative nature, to extraneize the blasting mists and whirlwinds upon
+our vines, indeed not ours, but these round about us.  For if we lose the
+piot and liquor of the grape, we lose all, both sense and law.  If you
+restore them unto us at my request, I shall gain by it six basketfuls of
+sausages and a fine pair of breeches, which will do my legs a great deal of
+good, or else they will not keep their promise to me.  Ho by gob, Domine, a
+pair of breeches is good, et vir sapiens non abhorrebit eam.  Ha, ha, a
+pair of breeches is not so easily got; I have experience of it myself.
+Consider, Domine, I have been these eighteen days in matagrabolizing this
+brave speech.  Reddite quae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, et quae sunt Dei, Deo.
+Ibi jacet lepus.  By my faith, Domine, if you will sup with me in cameris,
+by cox body, charitatis, nos faciemus bonum cherubin.  Ego occiditunum
+porcum, et ego habet bonum vino:  but of good wine we cannot make bad
+Latin.  Well, de parte Dei date nobis bellas nostras.  Hold, I give you in
+the name of the faculty a Sermones de Utino, that utinam you would give us
+our bells.  Vultis etiam pardonos?  Per diem vos habebitis, et nihil
+payabitis.  O, sir, Domine, bellagivaminor nobis; verily, est bonum vobis.
+They are useful to everybody.  If they fit your mare well, so do they do
+our faculty; quae comparata est jumentis insipientibus, et similis facta
+est eis, Psalmo nescio quo.  Yet did I quote it in my note-book, et est
+unum bonum Achilles, a good defending argument.  Hem, hem, hem, haikhash!
+For I prove unto you, that you should give me them.  Ego sic argumentor.
+Omnis bella bellabilis in bellerio bellando, bellans, bellativo, bellare
+facit, bellabiliter bellantes.  Parisius habet bellas.  Ergo gluc, Ha, ha,
+ha.  This is spoken to some purpose.  It is in tertio primae, in Darii, or
+elsewhere.  By my soul, I have seen the time that I could play the devil in
+arguing, but now I am much failed, and henceforward want nothing but a cup
+of good wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my belly to the table, and a
+good deep dish.  Hei, Domine, I beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii, et
+Spiritus sancti, Amen, to restore unto us our bells:  and God keep you from
+evil, and our Lady from health, qui vivit et regnat per omnia secula
+seculorum, Amen.  Hem, hashchehhawksash, qzrchremhemhash.
+
+Verum enim vero, quandoquidem, dubio procul.  Edepol, quoniam, ita certe,
+medius fidius; a town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, an
+ass without a crupper, and a cow without cymbals.  Therefore be assured,
+until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you,
+like a blind man that hath lost his staff, braying like an ass without a
+crupper, and making a noise like a cow without cymbals.  A certain
+latinisator, dwelling near the hospital, said since, producing the
+authority of one Taponnus,--I lie, it was one Pontanus the secular poet,
+--who wished those bells had been made of feathers, and the clapper of a
+foxtail, to the end they might have begot a chronicle in the bowels of his
+brain, when he was about the composing of his carminiformal lines.  But nac
+petetin petetac, tic, torche lorgne, or rot kipipur kipipot put pantse
+malf, he was declared an heretic.  We make them as of wax.  And no more
+saith the deponent.  Valete et plaudite.  Calepinus recensui.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XX.
+
+How the Sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law
+against the other masters.
+
+The sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in
+a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up
+the ghost, in rendering their souls to God:  even just as Crassus did,
+seeing a lubberly ass eat thistles; and as Philemon, who, for seeing an ass
+eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of
+laughing.  Together with them Master Janotus fell a-laughing too as fast as
+he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their eyes
+did water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the brain, by
+which these lachrymal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the
+optic nerves, and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitizing and
+Heraclitus Democritizing.
+
+When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his
+retinue what should be done.  There Ponocrates was of opinion that they
+should make this fair orator drink again; and seeing he had showed them
+more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural soul could have done,
+that they should give him ten baskets full of sausages, mentioned in his
+pleasant speech, with a pair of hose, three hundred great billets of
+logwood, five-and-twenty hogsheads of wine, a good large down-bed, and a
+deep capacious dish, which he said were necessary for his old age.  All
+this was done as they did appoint:  only Gargantua, doubting that they
+could not quickly find out breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew
+not what fashion would best become the said orator, whether the martingale
+fashion of breeches, wherein is a spunghole with a drawbridge for the more
+easy caguing:  or the fashion of the mariners, for the greater solace and
+comfort of his kidneys:  or that of the Switzers, which keeps warm the
+bedondaine or belly-tabret:  or round breeches with straight cannions,
+having in the seat a piece like a cod's tail, for fear of over-heating his
+reins:--all which considered, he caused to be given him seven ells of white
+cloth for the linings.  The wood was carried by the porters, the masters of
+arts carried the sausages and the dishes, and Master Janotus himself would
+carry the cloth.  One of the said masters, called Jousse Bandouille, showed
+him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his condition to do so,
+and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them.  Ha, said Janotus,
+baudet, baudet, or blockhead, blockhead, thou dost not conclude in modo et
+figura.  For lo, to this end serve the suppositions and parva logicalia.
+Pannus, pro quo supponit?  Confuse, said Bandouille, et distributive.  I do
+not ask thee, said Janotus, blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo?  It
+is, blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and therefore I will carry it, Egomet,
+sicut suppositum portat appositum.  So did he carry it away very close and
+covertly, as Patelin the buffoon did his cloth.  The best was, that when
+this cougher, in a full act or assembly held at the Mathurins, had with
+great confidence required his breeches and sausages, and that they were
+flatly denied him, because he had them of Gargantua, according to the
+informations thereupon made, he showed them that this was gratis, and out
+of his liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their
+promises.  Notwithstanding this, it was answered him that he should be
+content with reason, without expectation of any other bribe there.  Reason?
+said Janotus.  We use none of it here.  Unlucky traitors, you are not worth
+the hanging.  The earth beareth not more arrant villains than you are.  I
+know it well enough; halt not before the lame.  I have practised wickedness
+with you.  By God's rattle, I will inform the king of the enormous abuses
+that are forged here and carried underhand by you, and let me be a leper,
+if he do not burn you alive like sodomites, traitors, heretics and
+seducers, enemies to God and virtue.
+
+Upon these words they framed articles against him:  he on the other side
+warned them to appear.  In sum, the process was retained by the court, and
+is there as yet.  Hereupon the magisters made a vow never to decrott
+themselves in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or clothes:
+Master Janotus with his adherents vowed never to blow or snuff their noses,
+until judgment were given by a definitive sentence.
+
+By these vows do they continue unto this time both dirty and snotty; for
+the court hath not garbled, sifted, and fully looked into all the pieces as
+yet.  The judgment or decree shall be given out and pronounced at the next
+Greek kalends, that is, never.  As you know that they do more than nature,
+and contrary to their own articles.  The articles of Paris maintain that to
+God alone belongs infinity, and nature produceth nothing that is immortal;
+for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engendered,
+according to the saying, Omnia orta cadunt, &c.  But these thick
+mist-swallowers make the suits in law depending before them both infinite
+and immortal.  In doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and verified
+the saying of Chilo the Lacedaemonian, consecrated to the oracle at Delphos,
+that misery is the inseparable companion of law-debates; and that pleaders
+are miserable; for sooner shall they attain to the end of their lives, than
+to the final decision of their pretended rights.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXI.
+
+The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his schoolmasters
+the Sophisters.
+
+The first day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their own
+place, the citizens of Paris, in acknowledgment of this courtesy, offered
+to maintain and feed his mare as long as he pleased, which Gargantua took
+in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forest of Biere.  I think
+she is not there now.  This done, he with all his heart submitted his study
+to the discretion of Ponocrates; who for the beginning appointed that he
+should do as he was accustomed, to the end he might understand by what
+means, in so long time, his old masters had made him so sottish and
+ignorant.  He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion, that
+ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight and nine o'clock, whether it was day
+or not, for so had his ancient governors ordained, alleging that which
+David saith, Vanum est vobis ante lucem surgere.  Then did he tumble and
+toss, wag his legs, and wallow in the bed some time, the better to stir up
+and rouse his vital spirits, and apparelled himself according to the
+season:  but willingly he would wear a great long gown of thick frieze,
+furred with fox-skins.  Afterwards he combed his head with an Almain comb,
+which is the four fingers and the thumb.  For his preceptor said that to
+comb himself otherwise, to wash and make himself neat, was to lose time in
+this world.  Then he dunged, pissed, spewed, belched, cracked, yawned,
+spitted, coughed, yexed, sneezed and snotted himself like an archdeacon,
+and, to suppress the dew and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good
+fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, excellent gammons of bacon, store
+of fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippet brewis, made up of the fat
+of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley strewed
+together.  Ponocrates showed him that he ought not to eat so soon after
+rising out of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise beforehand.
+Gargantua answered, What! have not I sufficiently well exercised myself?  I
+have wallowed and rolled myself six or seven turns in my bed before I rose.
+Is not that enough?  Pope Alexander did so, by the advice of a Jew his
+physician, and lived till his dying day in despite of his enemies.  My
+first masters have used me to it, saying that to breakfast made a good
+memory, and therefore they drank first.  I am very well after it, and dine
+but the better.  And Master Tubal, who was the first licenciate at Paris,
+told me that it was not enough to run apace, but to set forth betimes:  so
+doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking
+in a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning; unde
+versus,
+
+  To rise betimes is no good hour,
+  To drink betimes is better sure.
+
+After that he had thoroughly broke his fast, he went to church, and they
+carried to him, in a great basket, a huge impantoufled or thick-covered
+breviary, weighing, what in grease, clasps, parchment and cover, little
+more or less than eleven hundred and six pounds.  There he heard
+six-and-twenty or thirty masses.  This while, to the same place came his
+orison-mutterer impaletocked, or lapped up about the chin like a tufted
+whoop, and his breath pretty well antidoted with store of the
+vine-tree-syrup.  With him he mumbled all his kiriels and dunsical
+breborions, which he so curiously thumbed and fingered, that there fell not
+so much as one grain to the ground.  As he went from the church, they
+brought him, upon a dray drawn with oxen, a confused heap of paternosters
+and aves of St. Claude, every one of them being of the bigness of a
+hat-block; and thus walking through the cloisters, galleries, or garden, he
+said more in turning them over than sixteen hermits would have done.  Then
+did he study some paltry half-hour with his eyes fixed upon his book; but,
+as the comic saith, his mind was in the kitchen.  Pissing then a full
+urinal, he sat down at table; and because he was naturally phlegmatic, he
+began his meal with some dozens of gammons, dried neat's tongues, hard roes
+of mullet, called botargos, andouilles or sausages, and such other
+forerunners of wine. In the meanwhile, four of his folks did cast into his
+mouth one after another continually mustard by whole shovelfuls.
+Immediately after that, he drank a horrible draught of white wine for the
+ease of his kidneys.  When that was done, he ate according to the season
+meat agreeable to his appetite, and then left off eating when his belly
+began to strout, and was like to crack for fulness.  As for his drinking, he
+had in that neither end nor rule.  For he was wont to say, That the limits
+and bounds of drinking were, when the cork of the shoes of him that drinketh
+swelleth up half a foot high.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXII.
+
+The games of Gargantua.
+
+Then blockishly mumbling with a set on countenance a piece of scurvy grace,
+he washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teeth with the foot of a hog,
+and talked jovially with his attendants.  Then the carpet being spread,
+they brought plenty of cards, many dice, with great store and abundance of
+chequers and chessboards.
+
+There he played.
+At flush.                            At love.
+At primero.                          At the chess.
+At the beast.                        At Reynard the fox.
+At the rifle.                        At the squares.
+At trump.                            At the cows.
+At the prick and spare not.          At the lottery.
+At the hundred.                      At the chance or mumchance.
+At the peeny.                        At three dice or maniest bleaks.
+At the unfortunate woman.            At the tables.
+At the fib.                          At nivinivinack.
+At the pass ten.                     At the lurch.
+At one-and-thirty.                   At doublets or queen's game.
+At post and pair, or even and        At the faily.
+  sequence.                          At the French trictrac.
+At three hundred.                    At the long tables or ferkeering.
+At the unlucky man.                  At feldown.
+At the last couple in hell.          At tod's body.
+At the hock.                         At needs must.
+At the surly.                        At the dames or draughts.
+At the lansquenet.                   At bob and mow.
+At the cuckoo.                       At primus secundus.
+At puff, or let him speak that       At mark-knife.
+  hath it.                           At the keys.
+At take nothing and throw out.       At span-counter.
+At the marriage.                     At even or odd.
+At the frolic or jackdaw.            At cross or pile.
+At the opinion.                      At ball and huckle-bones.
+At who doth the one, doth the        At ivory balls.
+  other.                             At the billiards.
+At the sequences.                    At bob and hit.
+At the ivory bundles.                At the owl.
+At the tarots.                       At the charming of the hare.
+At losing load him.                  At pull yet a little.
+At he's gulled and esto.             At trudgepig.
+At the torture.                      At the magatapies.
+At the handruff.                     At the horn.
+At the click.                        At the flowered or Shrovetide ox.
+At honours.                          At the madge-owlet.
+At pinch without laughing.           At tilt at weeky.
+At prickle me tickle me.             At ninepins.
+At the unshoeing of the ass.         At the cock quintin.
+At the cocksess.                     At tip and hurl.
+At hari hohi.                        At the flat bowls.
+At I set me down.                    At the veer and turn.
+At earl beardy.                      At rogue and ruffian.
+At the old mode.                     At bumbatch touch.
+At draw the spit.                    At the mysterious trough.
+At put out.                          At the short bowls.
+At gossip lend me your sack.         At the dapple-grey.
+At the ramcod ball.                  At cock and crank it.
+At thrust out the harlot.            At break-pot.
+At Marseilles figs.                  At my desire.
+At nicknamry.                        At twirly whirlytrill.
+At stick and hole.                   At the rush bundles.
+At boke or him, or flaying the fox.  At the short staff.
+At the branching it.                 At the whirling gig.
+At trill madam, or grapple my lady.  At hide and seek, or are you all
+At the cat selling.                    hid?
+At blow the coal.                    At the picket.
+At the re-wedding.                   At the blank.
+At the quick and dead judge.         At the pilferers.
+At unoven the iron.                  At the caveson.
+At the false clown.                  At prison bars.
+At the flints, or at the nine stones.At have at the nuts.
+At to the crutch hulch back.         At cherry-pit.
+At the Sanct is found.               At rub and rice.
+At hinch, pinch and laugh not.       At whiptop.
+At the leek.                         At the casting top.
+At bumdockdousse.                    At the hobgoblins.
+At the loose gig.                    At the O wonderful.
+At the hoop.                         At the soily smutchy.
+At the sow.                          At fast and loose.
+At belly to belly.                   At scutchbreech.
+At the dales or straths.             At the broom-besom.
+At the twigs.                        At St. Cosme, I come to adore
+At the quoits.                         thee.
+At I'm for that.                     At the lusty brown boy.
+At I take you napping.               At greedy glutton.
+At fair and softly passeth Lent.     At the morris dance.
+At the forked oak.                   At feeby.
+At truss.                            At the whole frisk and gambol.
+At the wolf's tail.                  At battabum, or riding of the
+At bum to buss, or nose in breech.     wild mare.
+At Geordie, give me my lance.        At Hind the ploughman.
+At swaggy, waggy or shoggyshou.      At the good mawkin.
+At stook and rook, shear and         At the dead beast.
+  threave.                           At climb the ladder, Billy.
+At the birch.                        At the dying hog.
+At the muss.                         At the salt doup.
+At the dilly dilly darling.          At the pretty pigeon.
+At ox moudy.                         At barley break.
+At purpose in purpose.               At the bavine.
+At nine less.                        At the bush leap.
+At blind-man-buff.                   At crossing.
+At the fallen bridges.               At bo-peep.
+At bridled nick.                     At the hardit arsepursy.
+At the white at butts.               At the harrower's nest.
+At thwack swinge him.                At forward hey.
+At apple, pear, plum.                At the fig.
+At mumgi.                            At gunshot crack.
+At the toad.                         At mustard peel.
+At cricket.                          At the gome.
+At the pounding stick.               At the relapse.
+At jack and the box.                 At jog breech, or prick him
+At the queens.                         forward.
+At the trades.                       At knockpate.
+At heads and points.                 At the Cornish c(h)ough.
+At the vine-tree hug.                At the crane-dance.
+At black be thy fall.                At slash and cut.
+At ho the distaff.                   At bobbing, or flirt on the
+At Joan Thomson.                       nose.
+At the bolting cloth.                At the larks.
+At the oat's seed.                   At fillipping.
+
+After he had thus well played, revelled, past and spent his time, it was
+thought fit to drink a little, and that was eleven glassfuls the man, and,
+immediately after making good cheer again, he would stretch himself upon a
+fair bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep two or three hours
+together, without thinking or speaking any hurt.  After he was awakened he
+would shake his ears a little.  In the mean time they brought him fresh
+wine.  There he drank better than ever.  Ponocrates showed him that it was
+an ill diet to drink so after sleeping.  It is, answered Gargantua, the
+very life of the patriarchs and holy fathers; for naturally I sleep salt,
+and my sleep hath been to me in stead of so many gammons of bacon.  Then
+began he to study a little, and out came the paternosters or rosary of
+beads, which the better and more formally to despatch, he got upon an old
+mule, which had served nine kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding
+and doddling his head, would go see a coney ferreted or caught in a gin.
+At his return he went into the kitchen to know what roast meat was on the
+spit, and what otherwise was to be dressed for supper.  And supped very
+well, upon my conscience, and commonly did invite some of his neighbours
+that were good drinkers, with whom carousing and drinking merrily, they
+told stories of all sorts from the old to the new.  Amongst others he had
+for domestics the Lords of Fou, of Gourville, of Griniot, and of Marigny.
+After supper were brought in upon the place the fair wooden gospels and the
+books of the four kings, that is to say, many pairs of tables and cards--or
+the fair flush, one, two, three--or at all, to make short work; or else
+they went to see the wenches thereabouts, with little small banquets,
+intermixed with collations and rear-suppers.  Then did he sleep, without
+unbridling, until eight o'clock in the next morning.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXIII.
+
+How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated,
+that he lost not one hour of the day.
+
+When Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious manner of living, he resolved to
+bring him up in another kind; but for a while he bore with him, considering
+that nature cannot endure a sudden change, without great violence.
+Therefore, to begin his work the better, he requested a learned physician
+of that time, called Master Theodorus, seriously to perpend, if it were
+possible, how to bring Gargantua into a better course.  The said physician
+purged him canonically with Anticyrian hellebore, by which medicine he
+cleansed all the alteration and perverse habitude of his brain.  By this
+means also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his
+ancient preceptors, as Timotheus did to his disciples, who had been
+instructed under other musicians.  To do this the better, they brought him
+into the company of learned men, which were there, in whose imitation he
+had a great desire and affection to study otherwise, and to improve his
+parts.  Afterwards he put himself into such a road and way of studying,
+that he lost not any one hour in the day, but employed all his time in
+learning and honest knowledge.  Gargantua awaked, then, about four o'clock
+in the morning.  Whilst they were in rubbing of him, there was read unto
+him some chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly, with a
+pronunciation fit for the matter, and hereunto was appointed a young page
+born in Basche, named Anagnostes.  According to the purpose and argument of
+that lesson, he oftentimes gave himself to worship, adore, pray, and send
+up his supplications to that good God, whose Word did show his majesty and
+marvellous judgment.  Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion
+of his natural digestions.  There his master repeated what had been read,
+expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points.  In returning,
+they considered the face of the sky, if it was such as they had observed it
+the night before, and into what signs the sun was entering, as also the
+moon for that day.  This done, he was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed,
+and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day
+before.  He himself said them by heart, and upon them would ground some
+practical cases concerning the estate of man, which he would prosecute
+sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he was
+fully clothed.  Then for three good hours he had a lecture read unto him.
+This done they went forth, still conferring of the substance of the
+lecture, either unto a field near the university called the Brack, or unto
+the meadows, where they played at the ball, the long-tennis, and at the
+piletrigone (which is a play wherein we throw a triangular piece of iron at
+a ring, to pass it), most gallantly exercising their bodies, as formerly
+they had done their minds.  All their play was but in liberty, for they
+left off when they pleased, and that was commonly when they did sweat over
+all their body, or were otherwise weary.  Then were they very well wiped
+and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and, walking soberly, went to see if
+dinner was ready.  Whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly and
+eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture.
+In the meantime Master Appetite came, and then very orderly sat they down
+at table.  At the beginning of the meal there was read some pleasant
+history of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glass
+of wine.  Then, if they thought good, they continued reading, or began to
+discourse merrily together; speaking first of the virtue, propriety,
+efficacy, and nature of all that was served in at the table; of bread, of
+wine, of water, of salt, of fleshes, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of
+their dressing.  By means whereof he learned in a little time all the
+passages competent for this that were to be found in Pliny, Athenaeus,
+Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Porphyry, Oppian, Polybius, Heliodore,
+Aristotle, Aelian, and others.  Whilst they talked of these things, many
+times, to be the more certain, they caused the very books to be brought to
+the table, and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things
+above said, that in that time there was not a physician that knew half so
+much as he did.  Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in the
+morning, and, ending their repast with some conserve or marmalade of
+quinces, he picked his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers, washed his hands
+and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God in some fine
+cantiques, made in praise of the divine bounty and munificence.  This done,
+they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks
+and new inventions, which were all grounded upon arithmetic.  By this means
+he fell in love with that numerical science, and every day after dinner and
+supper he passed his time in it as pleasantly as he was wont to do at cards
+and dice; so that at last he understood so well both the theory and
+practical part thereof, that Tunstall the Englishman, who had written very
+largely of that purpose, confessed that verily in comparison of him he had
+no skill at all.  And not only in that, but in the other mathematical
+sciences, as geometry, astronomy, music, &c.  For in waiting on the
+concoction and attending the digestion of his food, they made a thousand
+pretty instruments and geometrical figures, and did in some measure
+practise the astronomical canons.
+
+After this they recreated themselves with singing musically, in four or
+five parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased
+them.  In matter of musical instruments, he learned to play upon the lute,
+the virginals, the harp, the Almain flute with nine holes, the viol, and
+the sackbut.  This hour thus spent, and digestion finished, he did purge
+his body of natural excrements, then betook himself to his principal study
+for three hours together, or more, as well to repeat his matutinal lectures
+as to proceed in the book wherein he was, as also to write handsomely, to
+draw and form the antique and Roman letters.  This being done, they went
+out of their house, and with them a young gentleman of Touraine, named the
+Esquire Gymnast, who taught him the art of riding.  Changing then his
+clothes, he rode a Naples courser, a Dutch roussin, a Spanish jennet, a
+barded or trapped steed, then a light fleet horse, unto whom he gave a
+hundred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in the air, free
+the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both
+to the right and left hand.  There he broke not his lance; for it is the
+greatest foolery in the world to say, I have broken ten lances at tilts or
+in fight.  A carpenter can do even as much.  But it is a glorious and
+praise-worthy action with one lance to break and overthrow ten enemies.
+Therefore, with a sharp, stiff, strong, and well-steeled lance would he
+usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, carry away the
+ring, lift up a cuirassier saddle, with the mail-coat and gauntlet.  All
+this he did in complete arms from head to foot.  As for the prancing
+flourishes and smacking popisms for the better cherishing of the horse,
+commonly used in riding, none did them better than he.  The cavallerize of
+Ferrara was but as an ape compared to him.  He was singularly skilful in
+leaping nimbly from one horse to another without putting foot to ground,
+and these horses were called desultories.  He could likewise from either
+side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and
+rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle, for such things are useful
+in military engagements.  Another day he exercised the battle-axe, which he
+so dexterously wielded, both in the nimble, strong, and smooth management
+of that weapon, and that in all the feats practicable by it, that he passed
+knight of arms in the field, and at all essays.
+
+Then tossed he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the
+backsword, with the Spanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, unarmed, with
+a buckler, with a cloak, with a target.  Then would he hunt the hart, the
+roebuck, the bear, the fallow deer, the wild boar, the hare, the pheasant,
+the partridge, and the bustard.  He played at the balloon, and made it
+bound in the air, both with fist and foot.  He wrestled, ran, jumped--not
+at three steps and a leap, called the hops, nor at clochepied, called the
+hare's leap, nor yet at the Almains; for, said Gymnast, these jumps are for
+the wars altogether unprofitable, and of no use--but at one leap he would
+skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp
+and grapple after this fashion up against a window of the full height of a
+lance.  He did swim in deep waters on his belly, on his back, sideways,
+with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air, wherein he
+held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the river of Seine without
+wetting it, and dragged along his cloak with his teeth, as did Julius
+Caesar; then with the help of one hand he entered forcibly into a boat,
+from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sounded the
+depths, hollowed the rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulfs.  Then
+turned he the boat about, governed it, led it swiftly or slowly with the
+stream and against the stream, stopped it in his course, guided it with one
+hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great oar, hoisted
+the sail, hied up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the
+decks, set the compass in order, tackled the bowlines, and steered the
+helm.  Coming out of the water, he ran furiously up against a hill, and
+with the same alacrity and swiftness ran down again.  He climbed up at
+trees like a cat, and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel.  He
+did pull down the great boughs and branches like another Milo; then with
+two sharp well-steeled daggers and two tried bodkins would he run up by the
+wall to the very top of a house like a rat; then suddenly came down from
+the top to the bottom, with such an even composition of members that by the
+fall he would catch no harm.
+
+He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the stone, practise the javelin,
+the boar-spear or partisan, and the halbert.  He broke the strongest bows
+in drawing, bended against his breast the greatest crossbows of steel, took
+his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed and planted
+the cannon, shot at butt-marks, at the papgay from below upwards, or to a
+height from above downwards, or to a descent; then before him, sideways,
+and behind him, like the Parthians.  They tied a cable-rope to the top of a
+high tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground he wrought himself
+with his hands to the very top; then upon the same track came down so
+sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have run with more
+assurance.  They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees.  There would he
+hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching at nothing, would
+go back and fore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftness that
+hardly could one overtake him with running; and then, to exercise his
+breast and lungs, he would shout like all the devils in hell.  I heard him
+once call Eudemon from St. Victor's gate to Montmartre.  Stentor had never
+such a voice at the siege of Troy.  Then for the strengthening of his
+nerves or sinews they made him two great sows of lead, each of them
+weighing eight thousand and seven hundred quintals, which they called
+alteres.  Those he took up from the ground, in each hand one, then lifted
+them up over his head, and held them so without stirring three quarters of
+an hour and more, which was an inimitable force.  He fought at barriers
+with the stoutest and most vigorous champions; and when it came to the
+cope, he stood so sturdily on his feet that he abandoned himself unto the
+strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, as Milo was wont
+to do of old.  In whose imitation, likewise, he held a pomegranate in his
+hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him.  The time being thus
+bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and refreshed with other
+clothes, he returned fair and softly; and passing through certain meadows,
+or other grassy places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with
+what is written of them in the books of the ancients, such as Theophrast,
+Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny, Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home
+to the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young page called Rizotomos
+had charge; together with little mattocks, pickaxes, grubbing-hooks,
+cabbies, pruning-knives, and other instruments requisite for herborizing.
+Being come to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready, they repeated
+certain passages of that which hath been read, and sat down to table.  Here
+remark, that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to
+prevent the gnawings of his stomach, but his supper was copious and large,
+for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him; which,
+indeed, is the true diet prescribed by the art of good and sound physic,
+although a rabble of loggerheaded physicians, nuzzeled in the brabbling
+shop of sophisters, counsel the contrary.  During that repast was continued
+the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good; the rest was spent
+in good discourse, learned and profitable.  After that they had given
+thanks, he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious
+instruments, or otherwise passed his time at some pretty sports, made with
+cards or dice, or in practising the feats of legerdemain with cups and
+balls.  There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus, and making
+themselves merry till it was time to go to bed; and on other nights they
+would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as had been travellers in
+strange and remote countries.  When it was full night before they retired
+themselves, they went unto the most open place of the house to see the face
+of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if any were, as likewise the
+figures, situations, aspects, oppositions, and conjunctions of both the
+fixed stars and planets.
+
+Then with his master did he briefly recapitulate, after the manner of the
+Pythagoreans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done, and understood
+in the whole course of that day.
+
+Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in falling down before him, and
+strengthening their faith towards him, and glorifying him for his boundless
+bounty; and, giving thanks unto him for the time that was past, they
+recommended themselves to his divine clemency for the future.  Which being
+done, they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose and rest.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXIV.
+
+How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather.
+
+If it happened that the weather were anything cloudy, foul, and rainy, all
+the forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to custom, with
+this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted to correct
+the distempers of the air.  But after dinner, instead of their wonted
+exercitations, they did abide within, and, by way of apotherapy (that is, a
+making the body healthful by exercise), did recreate themselves in bottling
+up of hay, in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshing sheaves of corn
+at the barn.  Then they studied the art of painting or carving; or brought
+into use the antique play of tables, as Leonicus hath written of it, and as
+our good friend Lascaris playeth at it.  In playing they examined the
+passages of ancient authors wherein the said play is mentioned or any
+metaphor drawn from it.  They went likewise to see the drawing of metals,
+or the casting of great ordnance; how the lapidaries did work; as also the
+goldsmiths and cutters of precious stones.  Nor did they omit to visit the
+alchemists, money-coiners, upholsterers, weavers, velvet-workers,
+watchmakers, looking-glass framers, printers, organists, and other such
+kind of artificers, and, everywhere giving them somewhat to drink, did
+learn and consider the industry and invention of the trades.  They went
+also to hear the public lectures, the solemn commencements, the
+repetitions, the acclamations, the pleadings of the gentle lawyers, and
+sermons of evangelical preachers.  He went through the halls and places
+appointed for fencing, and there played against the masters themselves at
+all weapons, and showed them by experience that he knew as much in it as,
+yea, more than, they.  And, instead of herborizing, they visited the shops
+of druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and diligently considered the
+fruits, roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of some
+foreign parts, as also how they did adulterate them.  He went to see the
+jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and quacksalvers, and considered their
+cunning, their shifts, their somersaults and smooth tongue, especially of
+those of Chauny in Picardy, who are naturally great praters, and brave
+givers of fibs, in matter of green apes.
+
+At their return they did eat more soberly at supper than at other times,
+and meats more desiccative and extenuating; to the end that the intemperate
+moisture of the air, communicated to the body by a necessary confinitive,
+might by this means be corrected, and that they might not receive any
+prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily exercise.  Thus was Gargantua
+governed, and kept on in this course of education, from day to day
+profiting, as you may understand such a young man of his age may, of a
+pregnant judgment, with good discipline well continued.  Which, although at
+the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easy,
+and so delightful, that it seemed rather the recreation of a king than the
+study of a scholar.  Nevertheless Ponocrates, to divert him from this
+vehement intension of the spirits, thought fit, once in a month, upon some
+fair and clear day, to go out of the city betimes in the morning, either
+towards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charanton bridge, or to
+Vanves, or St. Clou, and there spend all the day long in making the
+greatest cheer that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking
+healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair meadow,
+unnestling of sparrows, taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crabs.
+But although that day was passed without books or lecture, yet was it not
+spent without profit; for in the said meadows they usually repeated certain
+pleasant verses of Virgil's agriculture, of Hesiod and of Politian's
+husbandry, would set a-broach some witty Latin epigrams, then immediately
+turned them into roundelays and songs for dancing in the French language.
+In their feasting they would sometimes separate the water from the wine
+that was therewith mixed, as Cato teacheth, De re rustica, and Pliny with
+an ivy cup would wash the wine in a basinful of water, then take it out
+again with a funnel as pure as ever.  They made the water go from one glass
+to another, and contrived a thousand little automatory engines, that is to
+say, moving of themselves.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXV.
+
+How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the cake-bakers of
+Lerne, and those of Gargantua's country, whereupon were waged great wars.
+
+At that time, which was the season of vintage, in the beginning of harvest,
+when the country shepherds were set to keep the vines, and hinder the
+starlings from eating up the grapes, as some cake-bakers of Lerne happened
+to pass along in the broad highway, driving into the city ten or twelve
+horses loaded with cakes, the said shepherds courteously entreated them to
+give them some for their money, as the price then ruled in the market.  For
+here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eat for breakfast
+hot fresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, the great red
+grapes, the muscadine, the verjuice grape, and the laskard, for those that
+are costive in their belly, because it will make them gush out, and squirt
+the length of a hunter's staff, like the very tap of a barrel; and
+oftentimes, thinking to let a squib, they did all-to-besquatter and
+conskite themselves, whereupon they are commonly called the vintage
+thinkers.  The bun-sellers or cake-makers were in nothing inclinable to
+their request; but, which was worse, did injure them most outrageously,
+calling them prattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, freckled bittors, mangy
+rascals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, sly knaves, drowsy
+loiterers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion druggels, lubberly louts,
+cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant-varlets,
+drawlatch hoydens, flouting milksops, jeering companions, staring clowns,
+forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy sneaksbies, fondling fops, base
+loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, scoffing braggarts, noddy meacocks,
+blockish grutnols, doddipol-joltheads, jobbernol goosecaps, foolish
+loggerheads, flutch calf-lollies, grouthead gnat-snappers, lob-dotterels,
+gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninny-hammer
+flycatchers, noddypeak simpletons, turdy gut, shitten shepherds, and other
+suchlike defamatory epithets; saying further, that it was not for them to
+eat of these dainty cakes, but might very well content themselves with the
+coarse unranged bread, or to eat of the great brown household loaf.  To
+which provoking words, one amongst them, called Forgier, an honest fellow
+of his person and a notable springal, made answer very calmly thus:  How
+long is it since you have got horns, that you are become so proud?  Indeed
+formerly you were wont to give us some freely, and will you not now let us
+have any for our money?  This is not the part of good neighbours, neither
+do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you
+make your cakes and buns.  Besides that, we would have given you to the
+bargain some of our grapes, but, by his zounds, you may chance to repent
+it, and possibly have need of us at another time, when we shall use you
+after the like manner, and therefore remember it.  Then Marquet, a prime
+man in the confraternity of the cake-bakers, said unto him, Yea, sir, thou
+art pretty well crest-risen this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too
+much millet and bolymong.  Come hither, sirrah, come hither, I will give
+thee some cakes.  Whereupon Forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity
+went towards him, and drew a sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking
+that Marquet would have sold him some of his cakes.  But, instead of cakes,
+he gave him with his whip such a rude lash overthwart the legs, that the
+marks of the whipcord knots were apparent in them, then would have fled
+away; but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, O, murder, murder, help,
+help, help! and in the meantime threw a great cudgel after him, which he
+carried under his arm, wherewith he hit him in the coronal joint of his
+head, upon the crotaphic artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly,
+that Marquet fell down from his mare more like a dead than living man.
+Meanwhile the farmers and country swains, that were watching their walnuts
+near to that place, came running with their great poles and long staves,
+and laid such load on these cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon
+green rye.  The other shepherds and shepherdesses, hearing the lamentable
+shout of Forgier, came with their slings and slackies following them, and
+throwing great stones at them, as thick as if it had been hail.  At last
+they overtook them, and took from them about four or five dozen of their
+cakes.  Nevertheless they paid for them the ordinary price, and gave them
+over and above one hundred eggs and three baskets full of mulberries.  Then
+did the cake-bakers help to get up to his mare Marquet, who was most
+shrewdly wounded, and forthwith returned to Lerne, changing the resolution
+they had to go to Pareille, threatening very sharp and boisterously the
+cowherds, shepherds, and farmers of Seville and Sinays.  This done, the
+shepherds and shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes,
+and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe,
+scoffing and laughing at those vainglorious cake-bakers, who had that day
+met with a mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the
+morning.  Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier's leg some fair great red
+medicinal grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up that he was
+quickly cured.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXVI.
+
+How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the commandment of Picrochole their king,
+assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden.
+
+The cake-bakers, being returned to Lerne, went presently, before they did
+either eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there before their king, called
+Picrochole, the third of that name, made their complaint, showing their
+panniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes
+taken away, but, above all, Marquet most enormously wounded, saying that
+all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of Grangousier,
+near the broad highway beyond Seville.  Picrochole incontinent grew angry
+and furious; and, without asking any further what, how, why, or wherefore,
+commanded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded throughout all his country,
+that all his vassals of what condition soever should, upon pain of the
+halter, come, in the best arms they could, unto the great place before the
+castle, at the hour of noon, and, the better to strengthen his design, he
+caused the drum to be beat about the town.  Himself, whilst his dinner was
+making ready, went to see his artillery mounted upon the carriage, to
+display his colours, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded wains
+with store of ammunition both for the field and the belly, arms and
+victuals.  At dinner he despatched his commissions, and by his express
+edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the vanguard, wherein were
+numbered sixteen thousand and fourteen arquebusiers or firelocks, together
+with thirty thousand and eleven volunteer adventurers.  The great
+Touquedillon, master of the horse, had the charge of the ordnance, wherein
+were reckoned nine hundred and fourteen brazen pieces, in cannons, double
+cannons, basilisks, serpentines, culverins, bombards or murderers, falcons,
+bases or passevolins, spirols, and other sorts of great guns.  The
+rearguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood.  In the main battle was
+the king and the princes of his kingdom.  Thus being hastily furnished,
+before they would set forward, they sent three hundred light horsemen,
+under the conduct of Captain Swillwind, to discover the country, clear the
+avenues, and see whether there was any ambush laid for them.  But, after
+they had made diligent search, they found all the land round about in peace
+and quiet, without any meeting or convention at all; which Picrochole
+understanding, commanded that everyone should march speedily under his
+colours.  Then immediately in all disorder, without keeping either rank or
+file, they took the fields one amongst another, wasting, spoiling,
+destroying, and making havoc of all wherever they went, not sparing poor
+nor rich, privileged or unprivileged places, church nor laity, drove away
+oxen and cows, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, lambs, goats, kids,
+hens, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, swine, pigs, and
+such like; beating down the walnuts, plucking the grapes, tearing the
+hedges, shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such incomparable abuses,
+that the like abomination was never heard of.  Nevertheless, they met with
+none to resist them, for everyone submitted to their mercy, beseeching them
+that they might be dealt with courteously in regard that they had always
+carried themselves as became good and loving neighbours, and that they had
+never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them, to be thus
+suddenly surprised, troubled, and disquieted, and that, if they would not
+desist, God would punish them very shortly.  To which expostulations and
+remonstrances no other answer was made, but that they would teach them to
+eat cakes.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXVII.
+
+How a monk of Seville saved the close of the abbey from being ransacked by
+the enemy.
+
+So much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at last
+they came to Seville, where they robbed both men and women, and took all
+they could catch:  nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them.
+Although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they
+nevertheless entered everywhere, then plundered and carried away all that
+was within, and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt, which is a
+most wonderful case.  For the curates, vicars, preachers, physicians,
+chirurgeons, and apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to
+heal, to preach unto and admonish those that were sick, were all dead of
+the infection, and these devilish robbers and murderers caught never any
+harm at all.  Whence comes this to pass, my masters?  I beseech you think
+upon it.  The town being thus pillaged, they went unto the abbey with a
+horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against
+them.  Whereupon the body of the army marched forward towards a pass or
+ford called the Gue de Vede, except seven companies of foot and two hundred
+lancers, who, staying there, broke down the walls of the close, to waste,
+spoil, and make havoc of all the vines and vintage within that place.  The
+monks (poor devils) knew not in that extremity to which of all their sancts
+they should vow themselves.  Nevertheless, at all adventures they rang the
+bells ad capitulum capitulantes.  There it was decreed that they should
+make a fair procession, stuffed with good lectures, prayers, and litanies
+contra hostium insidias, and jolly responses pro pace.
+
+There was then in the abbey a claustral monk, called Friar John of the
+funnels and gobbets, in French des entoumeures, young, gallant, frisk,
+lusty, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean,
+wide-mouthed, long-nosed, a fair despatcher of morning prayers, unbridler
+of masses, and runner over of vigils; and, to conclude summarily in a word,
+a right monk, if ever there was any, since the monking world monked a
+monkery:  for the rest, a clerk even to the teeth in matter of breviary.
+This monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made within the enclosure of
+the vineyard, went out to see what they were doing; and perceiving that
+they were cutting and gathering  the grapes, whereon was grounded the
+foundation of all their next year's wine, returned unto the choir of the
+church where the other monks were, all amazed and astonished like so many
+bell-melters.  Whom when he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene,
+tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum,
+nenum, num:  It is well shit, well sung, said he.  By the virtue of God,
+why do not you sing, Panniers, farewell, vintage is done?  The devil snatch
+me, if they be not already within the middle of our close, and cut so well
+both vines and grapes, that, by Cod's body, there will not be found for
+these four years to come so much as a gleaning in it.  By the belly of
+Sanct James, what shall we poor devils drink the while?  Lord God! da mihi
+potum.  Then said the prior of the convent:  What should this drunken
+fellow do here? let him be carried to prison for troubling the divine
+service.  Nay, said the monk, the wine service, let us behave ourselves so
+that it be not troubled; for you yourself, my lord prior, love to drink of
+the best, and so doth every honest man.  Never yet did a man of worth
+dislike good wine, it is a monastical apophthegm.  But these responses that
+you chant here, by G--, are not in season.  Wherefore is it, that our
+devotions were instituted to be short in the time of harvest and vintage,
+and long in the advent, and all the winter?  The late friar, Massepelosse,
+of good memory, a true zealous man, or else I give myself to the devil, of
+our religion, told me, and I remember it well, how the reason was, that in
+this season we might press and make the wine, and in winter whiff it up.
+Hark you, my masters, you that love the wine, Cop's body, follow me; for
+Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a faggot, if they get leave to taste one
+drop of the liquor that will not now come and fight for relief of the vine.
+Hog's belly, the goods of the church!  Ha, no, no.  What the devil, Sanct
+Thomas of England was well content to die for them; if I died in the same
+cause, should not I be a sanct likewise?  Yes.  Yet shall not I die there
+for all this, for it is I that must do it to others and send them
+a-packing.
+
+As he spake this he threw off his great monk's habit, and laid hold upon
+the staff of the cross, which was made of the heart of a sorbapple-tree, it
+being of the length of a lance, round, of a full grip, and a little
+powdered with lilies called flower de luce, the workmanship whereof was
+almost all defaced and worn out.  Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted
+jacket, putting his frock scarfwise athwart his breast, and in this
+equipage, with his staff, shaft or truncheon of the cross, laid on so
+lustily, brisk, and fiercely upon his enemies, who, without any order, or
+ensign, or trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering the grapes of the
+vineyard.  For the cornets, guidons, and ensign-bearers had laid down their
+standards, banners, and colours by the wall sides:  the drummers had
+knocked out the heads of their drums on one end to fill them with grapes:
+the trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches and huge knots of
+clusters:  in sum, everyone of them was out of array, and all in disorder.
+He hurried, therefore, upon them so rudely, without crying gare or beware,
+that he overthrew them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, striking
+athwart and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, after the
+old fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out their brains, to others he
+crushed their arms, battered their legs, and bethwacked their sides till
+their ribs cracked with it.  To others again he unjointed the spondyles or
+knuckles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed their faces, made
+their cheeks hang flapping on their chin, and so swinged and balammed them
+that they fell down before him like hay before a mower.  To some others he
+spoiled the frame of their kidneys, marred their backs, broke their
+thigh-bones, pashed in their noses, poached out their eyes, cleft their
+mandibles, tore their jaws, dung in their teeth into their throat, shook
+asunder their omoplates or shoulder-blades, sphacelated their shins,
+mortified their shanks, inflamed their ankles, heaved off of the hinges
+their ishies, their sciatica or hip-gout, dislocated the joints of their
+knees, squattered into pieces the boughts or pestles of their thighs, and
+so thumped, mauled and belaboured them everywhere, that never was corn so
+thick and threefold threshed upon by ploughmen's flails as were the
+pitifully disjointed members of their mangled bodies under the merciless
+baton of the cross.  If any offered to hide himself amongst the thickest of
+the vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised the ridge of his back,
+and dashed his reins like a dog.  If any thought by flight to escape, he
+made his head to fly in pieces by the lamboidal commissure, which is a seam
+in the hinder part of the skull.  If anyone did scramble up into a tree,
+thinking there to be safe, he rent up his perinee, and impaled him in at
+the fundament.  If any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out, Ha,
+Friar John, my friend Friar John, quarter, quarter, I yield myself to you,
+to you I render myself!  So thou shalt, said he, and must, whether thou
+wouldst or no, and withal render and yield up thy soul to all the devils in
+hell; then suddenly gave them dronos, that is, so many knocks, thumps,
+raps, dints, thwacks, and bangs, as sufficed to warn Pluto of their coming
+and despatch them a-going.  If any was so rash and full of temerity as to
+resist him to his face, then was it he did show the strength of his
+muscles, for without more ado he did transpierce him, by running him in at
+the breast, through the mediastine and the heart.  Others, again, he so
+quashed and bebumped, that, with a sound bounce under the hollow of their
+short ribs, he overturned their stomachs so that they died immediately.  To
+some, with a smart souse on the epigaster, he would make their midriff
+swag, then, redoubling the blow, gave them such a homepush on the navel
+that he made their puddings to gush out.  To others through their ballocks
+he pierced their bumgut, and left not bowel, tripe, nor entrail in their
+body that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness, and fury of his
+violence.  Believe, that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one
+saw.  Some cried unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George.  O the holy Lady
+Nytouch, said one, the good Sanctess; O our Lady of Succours, said another,
+help, help!  Others cried, Our Lady of Cunaut, of Loretto, of Good Tidings,
+on the other side of the water St. Mary Over.  Some vowed a pilgrimage to
+St. James, and others to the holy handkerchief at Chamberry, which three
+months after that burnt so well in the fire that they could not get one
+thread of it saved.  Others sent up their vows to St. Cadouin, others to
+St. John d'Angely, and to St. Eutropius of Xaintes.  Others again invoked
+St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candes, St. Clouaud of Sinays, the holy
+relics of Laurezay, with a thousand other jolly little sancts and santrels.
+Some died without speaking, others spoke without dying; some died in
+speaking, others spoke in dying.  Others shouted as loud as they could
+Confession, Confession, Confiteor, Miserere, In manus!  So great was the
+cry of the wounded, that the prior of the abbey with all his monks came
+forth, who, when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the vines,
+and wounded to death, confessed some of them.  But whilst the priests were
+busied in confessing them, the little monkies ran all to the place where
+Friar John was, and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their
+assistance.  To which he answered that they should cut the throats of those
+he had thrown down upon the ground.  They presently, leaving their outer
+habits and cowls upon the rails, began to throttle and make an end of those
+whom he had already crushed.  Can you tell with what instruments they did
+it?  With fair gullies, which are little hulchbacked demi-knives, the iron
+tool whereof is two inches long, and the wooden handle one inch thick, and
+three inches in length, wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripe
+walnuts in two while they are yet in the shell, and pick out the kernel,
+and they found them very fit for the expediting of that weasand-slitting
+exploit.  In the meantime Friar John, with his formidable baton of the
+cross, got to the breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to
+snatch up those that endeavoured to escape.  Some of the monkitos carried
+the standards, banners, ensigns, guidons, and colours into their cells and
+chambers to make garters of them.  But when those that had been shriven
+would have gone out at the gap of the said breach, the sturdy monk quashed
+and felled them down with blows, saying, These men have had confession and
+are penitent souls; they have got their absolution and gained the pardons;
+they go into paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the way is to Faye
+(like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap).  Thus by his prowess and valour were
+discomfited all those of the army that entered into the close of the abbey,
+unto the number of thirteen thousand, six hundred, twenty and two, besides
+the women and little children, which is always to be understood.  Never did
+Maugis the Hermit bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon or pilgrim's
+staff against the Saracens, of whom is written in the Acts of the four sons
+of Aymon, than did this monk against his enemies with the staff of the
+cross.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXVIII.
+
+How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of
+Grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war.
+
+Whilst the monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which
+were entered within the close, Picrochole in great haste passed the ford of
+Vede--a very especial pass--with all his soldiers, and set upon the rock
+Clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all; and, because it
+was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that
+town, and to refresh himself of his pugnative choler.  In the morning he
+stormed and took the bulwarks and castle, which afterwards he fortified
+with rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition requisite, intending to
+make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise worsted; for it
+was a strong place, both by art and nature, in regard of the stance and
+situation of it.  But let us leave them there, and return to our good
+Gargantua, who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good
+letters and athletical exercitations, and to the good old man Grangousier
+his father, who after supper warmeth his ballocks by a good, clear, great
+fire, and, waiting upon the broiling of some chestnuts, is very serious in
+drawing scratches on the hearth, with a stick burnt at the one end,
+wherewith they did stir up the fire, telling to his wife and the rest of
+the family pleasant old stories and tales of former times.
+
+Whilst he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the vines,
+named Pillot, came towards him, and to the full related the enormous abuses
+which were committed, and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole,
+King of Lerne, upon his lands and territories, and how he had pillaged,
+wasted, and ransacked all the country, except the enclosure at Seville,
+which Friar John des Entoumeures to his great honour had preserved; and
+that at the same present time the said king was in the rock Clermond, and
+there, with great industry and circumspection, was strengthening himself
+and his whole army.  Halas, halas, alas! said Grangousier, what is this,
+good people?  Do I dream, or is it true that they tell me?  Picrochole, my
+ancient friend of old time, of my own kindred and alliance, comes he to
+invade me?  What moves him?  What provokes him?  What sets him on?  What
+drives him to it?  Who hath given him this counsel?  Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my
+God, my Saviour, help me, inspire me, and advise me what I shall do!  I
+protest, I swear before thee, so be thou favourable to me, if ever I did
+him or his subjects any damage or displeasure, or committed any the least
+robbery in his country; but, on the contrary, I have succoured and supplied
+him with men, money, friendship, and counsel, upon any occasion wherein I
+could be steadable for the improvement of his good.  That he hath therefore
+at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me, it cannot be but by the
+malevolent and wicked spirit.  Good God, thou knowest my courage, for
+nothing can be hidden from thee.  If perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou
+hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of
+his brain, grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy
+will by good discipline.  Ho, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my friends and my
+faithful servants, must I hinder you from helping me?  Alas, my old age
+required hence-forward nothing else but rest, and all the days of my life I
+have laboured for nothing so much as peace; but now I must, I see it well,
+load with arms my poor, weary, and feeble shoulders, and take in my
+trembling hand the lance and horseman's mace, to succour and protect my
+honest subjects.  Reason will have it so; for by their labour am I
+entertained, and with their sweat am I nourished, I, my children and my
+family.  This notwithstanding, I will not undertake war, until I have first
+tried all the ways and means of peace:  that I resolve upon.
+
+Then assembled he his council, and proposed the matter as it was indeed.
+Whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet man unto
+Picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the peace and
+invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title.  Furthermore,
+that they should send for Gargantua, and those under his command, for the
+preservation of the country, and defence thereof now at need.  All this
+pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that so it should be done.
+Presently therefore he sent the Basque his lackey to fetch Gargantua with
+all diligence, and wrote him as followeth.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXIX.
+
+The tenour of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his son Gargantua.
+
+The fervency of thy studies did require that I should not in a long time
+recall thee from that philosophical rest thou now enjoyest, if the
+confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confederates had not at this
+present disappointed the assurance of my old age.  But seeing such is my
+fatal destiny, that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted
+most, I am forced to call thee back to help the people and goods which by
+the right of nature belong unto thee.  For even as arms are weak abroad, if
+there be not counsel at home, so is that study vain and counsel
+unprofitable which in a due and convenient time is not by virtue executed
+and put in effect.  My deliberation is not to provoke, but to appease--not
+to assault, but to defend--not to conquer, but to preserve my faithful
+subjects and hereditary dominions, into which Picrochole is entered in a
+hostile manner without any ground or cause, and from day to day pursueth
+his furious enterprise with that height of insolence that is intolerable to
+freeborn spirits.  I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical choler,
+offering him all that which I thought might give him satisfaction; and
+oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto him to understand wherein, by whom,
+and how he found himself to be wronged.  But of him could I obtain no other
+answer but a mere defiance, and that in my lands he did pretend only to the
+right of a civil correspondency and good behaviour, whereby I knew that the
+eternal God hath left him to the disposure of his own free will and sensual
+appetite--which cannot choose but be wicked, if by divine grace it be not
+continually guided--and to contain him within his duty, and bring him to
+know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous token.  Therefore,
+my beloved son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these letters, repair
+hither with all diligence, to succour not me so much, which nevertheless by
+natural piety thou oughtest to do, as thine own people, which by reason
+thou mayest save and preserve.  The exploit shall be done with as little
+effusion of blood as may be.  And, if possible, by means far more
+expedient, such as military policy, devices, and stratagems of war, we
+shall save all the souls, and send them home as merry as crickets unto
+their own houses.  My dearest son, the peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer
+be with thee.  Salute from me Ponocrates, Gymnastes, and Eudemon.  The
+twentieth of September.
+Thy Father Grangousier.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXX.
+
+How Ulric Gallet was sent unto Picrochole.
+
+The letters being dictated, signed, and sealed, Grangousier ordained that
+Ulric Gallet, master of the requests, a very wise and discreet man, of
+whose prudence and sound judgment he had made trial in several difficult
+and debateful matters, (should) go unto Picrochole, to show what had been
+decreed amongst them.  At the same hour departed the good man Gallet, and
+having passed the ford, asked at the miller that dwelt there in what
+condition Picrochole was:  who answered him that his soldiers had left him
+neither cock nor hen, that they were retired and shut up into the rock
+Clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of
+the scouts, because they were enormously furious.  Which he easily
+believed, and therefore lodged that night with the miller.
+
+The next morning he went with a trumpeter to the gate of the castle, and
+required the guards he might be admitted to speak with the king of somewhat
+that concerned him.  These words being told unto the king, he would by no
+means consent that they should open the gate; but, getting upon the top of
+the bulwark, said unto the ambassador, What is the news, what have you to
+say?  Then the ambassador began to speak as followeth.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXXI.
+
+The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole.
+
+There cannot arise amongst men a juster cause of grief than when they
+receive hurt and damage where they may justly expect for favour and good
+will; and not without cause, though without reason, have many, after they
+had fallen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this indignity less
+supportable than the loss of their own lives, in such sort that, if they
+have not been able by force of arms nor any other means, by reach of wit or
+subtlety, to stop them in their course and restrain their fury, they have
+fallen into desperation, and utterly deprived themselves of this light.  It
+is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier, my master, be full of high
+displeasure and much disquieted in mind upon thy outrageous and hostile
+coming; but truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of and moved
+with the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine
+upon those of his country, towards whom there hath been no example of
+inhumanity omitted.  Which in itself is to him so grievous, for the cordial
+affection wherewith he hath always cherished his subjects, that more it
+cannot be to any mortal man; yet in this, above human apprehension, is it
+to him the more grievous that these wrongs and sad offences have been
+committed by thee and thine, who, time out of mind, from all antiquity,
+thou and thy predecessors have been in a continual league and amity with
+him and all his ancestors; which, even until this time, you have as sacred
+together inviolably preserved, kept, and entertained, so well, that not he
+and his only, but the very barbarous nations of the Poictevins, Bretons,
+Manceaux, and those that dwell beyond the isles of the Canaries, and that
+of Isabella, have thought it as easy to pull down the firmament, and to set
+up the depths above the clouds, as to make a breach in your alliance; and
+have been so afraid of it in their enterprises that they have never dared
+to provoke, incense, or endamage the one for fear of the other.  Nay, which
+is more, this sacred league hath so filled the world, that there are few
+nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continent and isles of
+the ocean, who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it, upon
+your own covenants and conditions, holding your joint confederacy in as
+high esteem as their own territories and dominions, in such sort, that from
+the memory of man there hath not been either prince or league so wild and
+proud that durst have offered to invade, I say not your countries, but not
+so much as those of your confederates.  And if, by rash and heady counsel,
+they have attempted any new design against them, as soon as they heard the
+name and title of your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their
+enterprises.  What rage and madness, therefore, doth now incite thee, all
+old alliance infringed, all amity trod under foot, and all right violated,
+thus in a hostile manner to invade his country, without having been by him
+or his in anything prejudiced, wronged, or provoked?  Where is faith?
+Where is law?  Where is reason?  Where is humanity?  Where is the fear of
+God?  Dost thou think that these atrocious abuses are hidden from the
+eternal spirit and the supreme God who is the just rewarder of all our
+undertakings?  If thou so think, thou deceivest thyself; for all things
+shall come to pass as in his incomprehensible judgment he hath appointed.
+Is it thy fatal destiny, or influences of the stars, that would put an end
+to thy so long enjoyed ease and rest?  For that all things have their end
+and period, so as that, when they are come to the superlative point of
+their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being
+able to abide long in that state.  This is the conclusion and end of those
+who cannot by reason and temperance moderate their fortunes and
+prosperities.  But if it be predestinated that thy happiness and ease must
+now come to an end, must it needs be by wronging my king,--him by whom thou
+wert established?  If thy house must come to ruin, should it therefore in
+its fall crush the heels of him that set it up?  The matter is so
+unreasonable, and so dissonant from common sense, that hardly can it be
+conceived by human understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers,
+till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent that
+nothing is either sacred or holy to those who, having emancipated
+themselves from God and reason, do merely follow the perverse affections of
+their own depraved nature.  If any wrong had been done by us to thy
+subjects and dominions--if we had favoured thy ill-willers--if we had not
+assisted thee in thy need--if thy name and reputation had been wounded by
+us--or, to speak more truly, if the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce
+thee to evil, had, by false illusions and deceitful fantasies, put into thy
+conceit the impression of a thought that we had done unto thee anything
+unworthy of our ancient correspondence and friendship, thou oughtest first
+to have inquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning to
+admonish us thereof; and we should have so satisfied thee, according to
+thine own heart's desire, that thou shouldst have had occasion to be
+contented.  But, O eternal God, what is thy enterprise?  Wouldst thou, like
+a perfidious tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my master's kingdom?  Hast
+thou found him so silly and blockish, that he would not--or so destitute of
+men and money, of counsel and skill in military discipline, that he cannot
+withstand thy unjust invasion?  March hence presently, and to-morrow, some
+time of the day, retreat unto thine own country, without doing any kind of
+violence or disorderly act by the way; and pay withal a thousand besans of
+gold (which, in English money, amounteth to five thousand pounds), for
+reparation of the damages thou hast done in this country.  Half thou shalt
+pay to-morrow, and the other half at the ides of May next coming, leaving
+with us in the mean time, for hostages, the Dukes of Turnbank, Lowbuttock,
+and Smalltrash, together with the Prince of Itches and Viscount of
+Snatchbit (Tournemoule, Bas-de-fesses, Menuail, Gratelles, Morpiaille.).
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXXII.
+
+How Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be restored.
+
+With that the good man Gallet held his peace, but Picrochole to all his
+discourse answered nothing but Come and fetch them, come and fetch them,
+--they have ballocks fair and soft,--they will knead and provide some cakes
+for you.  Then returned he to Grangousier, whom he found upon his knees
+bareheaded, crouching in a little corner of his cabinet, and humbly praying
+unto God that he would vouchsafe to assuage the choler of Picrochole, and
+bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by force.  When the good
+man came back, he asked him, Ha, my friend, what news do you bring me?
+There is neither hope nor remedy, said Gallet; the man is quite out of his
+wits, and forsaken of God.  Yea, but, said Grangousier, my friend, what
+cause doth he pretend for his outrages?  He did not show me any cause at
+all, said Gallet, only that in a great anger he spoke some words of cakes.
+I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his cake-bakers.  I will know,
+said Grangousier, the matter thoroughly, before I resolve any more upon
+what is to be done.  Then sent he to learn concerning that business, and
+found by true information that his men had taken violently some cakes from
+Picrochole's people, and that Marquet's head was broken with a slacky or
+short cudgel; that, nevertheless, all was well paid, and that the said
+Marquet had first hurt Forgier with a stroke of his whip athwart the legs.
+And it seemed good to his whole council, that he should defend himself with
+all his might.  Notwithstanding all this, said Grangousier, seeing the
+question is but about a few cakes, I will labour to content him; for I am
+very unwilling to wage war against him.  He inquired then what quantity of
+cakes they had taken away, and understanding that it was but some four or
+five dozen, he commanded five cartloads of them to be baked that same
+night; and that there should be one full of cakes made with fine butter,
+fine yolks of eggs, fine saffron, and fine spice, to be bestowed upon
+Marquet, unto whom likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand
+and three Philips (that is, at three shillings the piece, one hundred five
+thousand pounds and nine shillings of English money), for reparation of his
+losses and hindrances, and for satisfaction of the chirurgeon that had
+dressed his wound; and furthermore settled upon him and his for ever in
+freehold the apple-orchard called La Pomardiere.  For the conveyance and
+passing of all which was sent Gallet, who by the way as they went made them
+gather near the willow-trees great store of boughs, canes, and reeds,
+wherewith all the carriers were enjoined to garnish and deck their carts,
+and each of them to carry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby
+to give all men to understand that they demanded but peace, and that they
+came to buy it.
+
+Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochole from
+Grangousier.  Picrochole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak
+with them, but sent them word that he was busy, and that they should
+deliver their mind to Captain Touquedillon, who was then planting a piece
+of ordnance upon the wall.  Then said the good man unto him, My lord, to
+ease you of all this labour, and to take away all excuses why you may not
+return unto our former alliance, we do here presently restore unto you the
+cakes upon which the quarrel arose.  Five dozen did our people take away:
+they were well paid for:  we love peace so well that we restore unto you
+five cartloads, of which this cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most
+complain.  Besides, to content him entirely, here are seven hundred
+thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him, and, for the losses he
+may pretend to have sustained, I resign for ever the farm of the
+Pomardiere, to be possessed in fee-simple by him and his for ever, without
+the payment of any duty, or acknowledgement of homage, fealty, fine, or
+service whatsoever, and here is the tenour of the deed.  And, for God's
+sake, let us live henceforward in peace, and withdraw yourselves merrily
+into your own country from within this place, unto which you have no right
+at all, as yourselves must needs confess, and let us be good friends as
+before.  Touquedillon related all this to Picrochole, and more and more
+exasperated his courage, saying to him, These clowns are afraid to some
+purpose.  By G--, Grangousier conskites himself for fear, the poor drinker.
+He is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he any stomach for it.  He knows
+better how to empty the flagons,--that is his art.  I am of opinion that it
+is fit we send back the carts and the money, and, for the rest, that very
+speedily we fortify ourselves here, then prosecute our fortune.  But what!
+Do they think to have to do with a ninnywhoop, to feed you thus with cakes?
+You may see what it is.  The good usage and great familiarity which you
+have had with them heretofore hath made you contemptible in their eyes.
+Anoint a villain, he will prick you:  prick a villain, and he will anoint
+you (Ungentem pungit, pungentem rusticus ungit.).
+
+Sa, sa, sa, said Picrochole, by St. James you have given a true character
+of them.  One thing I will advise you, said Touquedillon.  We are here but
+badly victualled, and furnished with mouth-harness very slenderly.  If
+Grangousier should come to besiege us, I would go presently, and pluck out
+of all your soldiers' heads and mine own all the teeth, except three to
+each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision but
+too soon.  We shall have, said Picrochole, but too much sustenance and
+feeding-stuff.  Came we hither to eat or to fight?  To fight, indeed, said
+Touquedillon; yet from the paunch comes the dance, and where famine rules
+force is exiled.  Leave off your prating, said Picrochole, and forthwith
+seize upon what they have brought.  Then took they money and cakes, oxen
+and carts, and sent them away without speaking one word, only that they
+would come no more so near, for a reason that they would give them the
+morrow after.  Thus, without doing anything, returned they to Grangousier,
+and related the whole matter unto him, subjoining that there was no hope
+left to draw them to peace but by sharp and fierce wars.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXXIII.
+
+How some statesmen of Picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in
+extreme danger.
+
+The carts being unloaded, and the money and cakes secured, there came
+before Picrochole the Duke of Smalltrash, the Earl Swashbuckler, and
+Captain Dirt-tail (Menuail, Spadassin, Merdaille.), who said unto him, Sir,
+this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous prince
+that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia.  Be covered, be
+covered, said Picrochole.  Gramercy, said they, we do but our duty.  The
+manner is thus.  You shall leave some captain here to have the charge of
+this garrison, with a party competent for keeping of the place, which,
+besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and
+fortresses of your devising.  Your army you are to divide into two parts,
+as you know very well how to do.  One part thereof shall fall upon
+Grangousier and his forces.  By it shall he be easily at the very first
+shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the clown hath
+store of ready coin.  Clown we call him, because a noble and generous
+prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish
+trick.  The other part of the army, in the meantime, shall draw towards
+Onys, Xaintonge, Angomois, and Gascony.  Then march to Perigot, Medoc, and
+Elanes, taking wherever you come, without resistance, towns, castles, and
+forts; afterwards to Bayonne, St. John de Luc, to Fontarabia, where you
+shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Portugal,
+shall pillage all the maritime places, even unto Lisbon, where you shall be
+supplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror.  By copsody, Spain
+will yield, for they are but a race of loobies.  Then are you to pass by
+the Straits of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately
+than those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the
+narrow entrance there shall be called the Picrocholinal sea.
+
+Having passed the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your
+slave.  I will, said Picrochole, give him fair quarter and spare his life.
+Yea, said they, so that he be content to be christened.  And you shall
+conquer the kingdoms of Tunis, of Hippo, Argier, Bomine (Bona), Corone,
+yea, all Barbary.  Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca,
+Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other islands of the Ligustic and
+Balearian seas.  Going alongst on the left hand, you shall rule all Gallia
+Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genoa, Florence, Lucca, and then
+God b'w'ye, Rome.  (Our poor Monsieur the Pope dies now for fear.)  By my
+faith, said Picrochole, I will not then kiss his pantoufle.
+
+Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Calabria, Apulia, and Sicily, all
+ransacked, and Malta too.  I wish the pleasant Knights of the Rhodes
+heretofore would but come to resist you, that we might see their urine.  I
+would, said Picrochole, very willingly go to Loretto.  No, no, said they,
+that shall be at our return.  From thence we will sail eastwards, and take
+Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Islands, and set upon (the) Morea.
+It is ours, by St. Trenian.  The Lord preserve Jerusalem; for the great
+Soldan is not comparable to you in power.  I will then, said he, cause
+Solomon's temple to be built.  No, said they, not yet, have a little
+patience, stay awhile, be never too sudden in your enterprises.  Can you
+tell what Octavian Augustus said?  Festina lente.  It is requisite that you
+first have the Lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia,
+Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Carazia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga,
+Savasta, even unto Euphrates.  Shall we see, said Picrochole, Babylon and
+Mount Sinai?  There is no need, said they, at this time.  Have we not
+hurried up and down, travelled and toiled enough, in having transfretted
+and passed over the Hircanian sea, marched alongst the two Armenias and the
+three Arabias?  Ay, by my faith, said he, we have played the fools, and are
+undone.  Ha, poor souls!  What's the matter? said they.  What shall we
+have, said he, to drink in these deserts?  For Julian Augustus with his
+whole army died there for thirst, as they say.  We have already, said they,
+given order for that.  In the Syriac sea you have nine thousand and
+fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world.  They arrived
+at Port Joppa.  There they found two-and-twenty thousand camels and sixteen
+hundred elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about
+Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia; and, besides this, you had all the
+Mecca caravan.  Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine?  Yes, but,
+said he, we did not drink it fresh.  By the virtue, said they, not of a
+fish, a valiant man, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires to the monarchy
+of the world, cannot always have his ease.  God be thanked that you and
+your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river Tigris.  But,
+said he, what doth that part of our army in the meantime which overthrows
+that unworthy swillpot Grangousier?  They are not idle, said they.  We
+shall meet with them by-and-by.  They shall have won you Brittany,
+Normandy, Flanders, Hainault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have
+passed the Rhine over the bellies of the Switzers and lansquenets, and a
+party of these hath subdued Luxembourg, Lorraine, Champagne, and Savoy,
+even to Lyons, in which place they have met with your forces returning from
+the naval conquests of the Mediterranean sea; and have rallied again in
+Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Suevia, Wittemberg, Bavaria,
+Austria, Moravia, and Styria.  Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck,
+Norway, Swedeland, Rie, Denmark, Gitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, even
+unto the frozen sea.  This done, they conquered the Isles of Orkney and
+subdued Scotland, England, and Ireland.  From thence sailing through the
+sandy sea and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia,
+Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungary, Bulgaria,
+Turkeyland, and are now at Constantinople.  Come, said Picrochole, let us
+go join with them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Trebizond also.  Shall
+we not kill all these dogs, Turks and Mahometans?  What a devil should we
+do else? said they.  And you shall give their goods and lands to such as
+shall have served you honestly.  Reason, said he, will have it so, that is
+but just.  I give unto you the Caramania, Suria, and all the Palestine.
+Ha, sir, said they, it is out of your goodness; gramercy, we thank you.
+God grant you may always prosper.  There was there present at that time an
+old gentleman well experienced in the wars, a stern soldier, and who had
+been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who, hearing this discourse,
+said, I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or
+interlude of the pitcher full of milk wherewith a shoemaker made himself
+rich in conceit; but, when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to
+dine.  What do you pretend by these large conquests?  What shall be the end
+of so many labours and crosses?  Thus it shall be, said Picrochole, that
+when we are returned we shall sit down, rest, and be merry.  But, said
+Echephron, if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long
+and dangerous, were it not better for us to take our rest now, than
+unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers?  O, said
+Swashbuckler, by G--, here is a good dotard; come, let us go hide ourselves
+in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life
+amongst ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning, like Sardanapalus.  He
+that nothing ventures hath neither horse nor mule, says Solomon.  He who
+adventureth too much, said Echephron, loseth both horse and mule, answered
+Malchon.  Enough, said Picrochole, go forward.  I fear nothing but that
+these devilish legions of Grangousier, whilst we are in Mesopotamia, will
+come on our backs and charge up our rear.  What course shall we then take?
+What shall be our remedy?  A very good one, said Dirt-tail; a pretty little
+commission, which you must send unto the Muscovites, shall bring you into
+the field in an instant four hundred and fifty thousand choice men of war.
+Oh that you would but make me your lieutenant-general, I should for the
+lightest faults of any inflict great punishments.  I fret, I charge, I
+strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil.  On, on, said Picrochole,
+make haste, my lads, and let him that loves me follow me.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXXIV.
+
+How Gargantua left the city of Paris to succour his country, and how
+Gymnast encountered with the enemy.
+
+In this same very hour Gargantua, who was gone out of Paris as soon as he
+had read his father's letters, coming upon his great mare, had already
+passed the Nunnery-bridge, himself, Ponocrates, Gymnast, and Eudemon, who
+all three, the better to enable them to go along with him, took
+post-horses.  The rest of his train came after him by even journeys at a
+slower pace, bringing with them all his books and philosophical instruments.
+As soon as he had alighted at Parille, he was informed by a farmer of
+Gouguet how Picrochole had fortified himself within the rock Clermond, and
+had sent Captain Tripet with a great army to set upon the wood of Vede and
+Vaugaudry, and that they had already plundered the whole country, not
+leaving cock nor hen, even as far as to the winepress of Billard.  These
+strange and almost incredible news of the enormous abuses thus committed
+over all the land, so affrighted Gargantua that he knew not what to say nor
+do.  But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon, who at
+all times had been their friend and confederate, and that by him they should
+be better advised in their business.  Which they did incontinently, and
+found him very willing and fully resolved to assist them, and therefore was
+of opinion that they should send some one of his company to scout along and
+discover the country, to learn in what condition and posture the enemy was,
+that they might take counsel, and proceed according to the present occasion.
+Gymnast offered himself to go.  Whereupon it was concluded, that for his
+safety and the better expedition, he should have with him someone that knew
+the ways, avenues, turnings, windings, and rivers thereabout. Then away went
+he and Prelingot, the equerry or gentleman of Vauguyon's horse, who scouted
+and espied as narrowly as they could upon all quarters without any fear.  In
+the meantime Gargantua took a little refreshment, ate somewhat himself, the
+like did those who were with him, and caused to give to his mare a picotine
+of oats, that is, three score and fourteen quarters and three bushels.
+Gymnast and his comrade rode so long, that at last they met with the enemy's
+forces, all scattered and out of order, plundering, stealing, robbing, and
+pillaging all they could lay their hands on.  And, as far off as they could
+perceive him, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste
+towards him, to unload him of his money, and untruss his portmantles.  Then
+cried he out unto them, My masters, I am a poor devil, I desire you to spare
+me.  I have yet one crown left.  Come, we must drink it, for it is aurum
+potabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my welcome.  Afterwards
+take me for one of your own, for never yet was there any man that knew
+better how to take, lard, roast, and dress, yea, by G--, to tear asunder and
+devour a hen, than I that am here:  and for my proficiat I drink to all good
+fellows.  With that he unscrewed his borracho (which was a great Dutch
+leathern bottle), and without putting in his nose drank very honestly.  The
+maroufle rogues looked upon him, opening their throats a foot wide, and
+putting out their tongues like greyhounds, in hopes to drink after him; but
+Captain Tripet, in the very nick of that their expectation, came running to
+him to see who it was.  To him Gymnast offered his bottle, saying, Hold,
+captain, drink boldly and spare not; I have been thy taster, it is wine of
+La Faye Monjau.  What! said Tripet, this fellow gibes and flouts us?  Who
+art thou? said Tripet.  I am, said Gymnast, a poor devil (pauvre diable).
+Ha, said Tripet, seeing thou art a poor devil, it is reason that thou
+shouldst be permitted to go whithersoever thou wilt, for all poor devils
+pass everywhere without toll or tax.  But it is not the custom of poor
+devils to be so well mounted; therefore, sir devil, come down, and let me
+have your horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, master devil, must do
+it:  for I love a life that such a devil as you should carry me away.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXXV.
+
+How Gymnast very souply and cunningly killed Captain Tripet and others of
+Picrochole's men.
+
+When they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and
+blessed themselves with both hands, thinking indeed that he had been a
+devil disguised, insomuch that one of them, named Good John, captain of the
+trained bands of the country bumpkins, took his psalter out of his
+codpiece, and cried out aloud, Hagios ho theos.  If thou be of God, speak;
+if thou be of the other spirit, avoid hence, and get thee going.  Yet he
+went not away.  Which words being heard by all the soldiers that were
+there, divers of them being a little inwardly terrified, departed from the
+place.  All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider, and therefore
+making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising
+himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly, with his short sword by his
+thigh, shifting his foot in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather
+feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith
+launched himself aloft in the air, and placed both his feet together on the
+saddle, standing upright with his back turned towards the horse's head.
+Now, said he, my case goes backward.  Then suddenly in the same very
+posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and, turning to
+the left hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into its
+former stance, without missing one jot.  Ha, said Tripet, I will not do
+that at this time, and not without cause.  Well, said Gymnast, I have
+failed, I will undo this leap.  Then with a marvellous strength and
+agility, turning towards the right hand, he fetched another frisking gambol
+as before, which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the hind-bow of the
+saddle, raised himself up, and sprung in the air, poising and upholding his
+whole body upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and
+whirled himself about three times.  At the fourth, reversing his body, and
+overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching anything,
+he brought himself betwixt the horse's two ears, springing with all his
+body into the air, upon the thumb of his left hand, and in that posture,
+turning like a windmill, did most actively do that trick which is called
+the miller's pass.  After this, clapping his right hand flat upon the
+middle of the saddle, he gave himself such a jerking swing that he thereby
+seated himself upon the crupper, after the manner of gentlewomen sitting on
+horseback.  This done, he easily passed his right leg over the saddle, and
+placed himself like one that rides in croup.  But, said he, it were better
+for me to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon
+the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only
+supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air,
+and straight found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a good
+settlement.  Then with a somersault springing into the air again, he fell
+to stand with both his feet close together upon the saddle, and there made
+above a hundred frisks, turns, and demipommads, with his arms held out
+across, and in so doing cried out aloud, I rage, I rage, devils, I am stark
+mad, devils, I am mad, hold me, devils, hold me, hold, devils, hold, hold!
+
+Whilst he was thus vaulting, the rogues in great astonishment said to one
+another, By cock's death, he is a goblin or a devil thus disguised.  Ab
+hoste maligno libera nos, Domine, and ran away in a full flight, as if they
+had been routed, looking now and then behind them, like a dog that carrieth
+away a goose-wing in his mouth.  Then Gymnast, spying his advantage,
+alighted from his horse, drew his sword, and laid on great blows upon the
+thickset and highest crested among them, and overthrew them in great heaps,
+hurt, wounded, and bruised, being resisted by nobody, they thinking he had
+been a starved devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting,
+which they had seen, as for the talk Tripet had with him, calling him poor
+devil.  Only Tripet would have traitorously cleft his head with his
+horseman's sword, or lance-knight falchion; but he was well armed, and felt
+nothing of the blow but the weight of the stroke.  Whereupon, turning
+suddenly about, he gave Tripet a home-thrust, and upon the back of that,
+whilst he was about to ward his head from a slash, he ran him in at the
+breast with a hit, which at once cut his stomach, the fifth gut called the
+colon, and the half of his liver, wherewith he fell to the ground, and in
+falling gushed forth above four pottles of pottage, and his soul mingled
+with the pottage.
+
+This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering that a case of
+great adventure and hazard should not be pursued unto its utmost period,
+and that it becomes all cavaliers modestly to use their good fortune,
+without troubling or stretching it too far.  Wherefore, getting to horse,
+he gave him the spur, taking the right way unto Vauguyon, and Prelinguand
+with him.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXXVI.
+
+How Gargantua demolished the castle at the ford of Vede, and how they
+passed the ford.
+
+As soon as he came, he related the estate and condition wherein they had
+found the enemy, and the stratagem which he alone had used against all
+their multitude, affirming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers,
+thieves, and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline, and that they
+might boldly set forward unto the field; it being an easy matter to fell
+and strike them down like beasts.  Then Gargantua mounted his great mare,
+accompanied as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and great
+tree, which commonly was called by the name of St. Martin's tree, because
+heretofore St. Martin planted a pilgrim's staff there, which in tract of
+time grew to that height and greatness, said, This is that which I lacked;
+this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lance.  With that he pulled
+it up easily, plucked off the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure.  In
+the meantime his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was in such
+abundance that it did overflow the country seven leagues, and all the piss
+of that urinal flood ran glib away towards the ford of Vede, wherewith the
+water was so swollen that all the forces the enemy had there were with
+great horror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand
+towards the hills.  Gargantua, being come to the place of the wood of Vede,
+was informed by Eudemon that there was some remainder of the enemy within
+the castle, which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, Are
+you there, or are you not there?  If you be there, be there no more; and if
+you are not there, I have no more to say.  But a ruffian gunner, whose
+charge was to attend the portcullis over the gate, let fly a cannon-ball at
+him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his
+head, yet did him no more hurt than if he had but cast a prune or kernel of
+a wine-grape at him.  What is this? said Gargantua; do you throw at us
+grape-kernels here?  The vintage shall cost you dear; thinking indeed that
+the bullet had been the kernel of a grape, or raisin-kernel.
+
+Those who were within the castle, being till then busy at the pillage, when
+they heard this noise ran to the towers and fortresses, from whence they
+shot at him above nine thousand and five-and-twenty falconshot and
+arquebusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him
+that he cried out, Ponocrates, my friend, these flies here are like to put
+out mine eyes; give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away,
+thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had
+been but dunflies.  Ponocrates looked and saw that there were no other
+flies but great shot which they had shot from the castle.  Then was it that
+he rushed with his great tree against the castle, and with mighty blows
+overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground,
+by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces.  Going
+from thence, they came to the bridge at the mill, where they found all the
+ford covered with dead bodies, so thick that they had choked up the mill
+and stopped the current of its water, and these were those that were
+destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mare.  There they were at a stand,
+consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcasses.
+But Gymnast said, If the devils have passed there, I will pass well enough.
+The devils have passed there, said Eudemon, to carry away the damned souls.
+By St. Treignan! said Ponocrates, then by necessary consequence he shall
+pass there.  Yes, yes, said Gymnastes, or I shall stick in the way.  Then
+setting spurs to his horse, he passed through freely, his horse not fearing
+nor being anything affrighted at the sight of the dead bodies; for he had
+accustomed him, according to the doctrine of Aelian, not to fear armour,
+nor the carcasses of dead men; and that not by killing men as Diomedes did
+the Thracians, or as Ulysses did in throwing the corpses of his enemies at
+his horse's feet, as Homer saith, but by putting a Jack-a-lent amongst his
+hay, and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his oats.  The
+other three followed him very close, except Eudemon only, whose horse's
+fore-right or far forefoot sank up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat
+chuff who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out.  There
+was he pestered, until Gargantua, with the end of his staff, thrust down
+the rest of the villain's tripes into the water whilst the horse pulled out
+his foot; and, which is a wonderful thing in hippiatry, the said horse was
+thoroughly cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot by this touch of
+the burst guts of that great looby.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXXVII.
+
+How Gargantua, in combing his head, made the great cannon-balls fall out of
+his hair.
+
+Being come out of the river of Vede, they came very shortly after to
+Grangousier's castle, who waited for them with great longing.  At their
+coming they were entertained with many congees, and cherished with
+embraces.  Never was seen a more joyful company, for Supplementum
+Supplementi Chronicorum saith that Gargamelle died there with joy; for my
+part, truly I cannot tell, neither do I care very much for her, nor for
+anybody else.  The truth was, that Gargantua, in shifting his clothes, and
+combing his head with a comb, which was nine hundred foot long of the
+Jewish cane measure, and whereof the teeth were great tusks of elephants,
+whole and entire, he made fall at every rake above seven balls of bullets,
+at a dozen the ball, that stuck in his hair at the razing of the castle of
+the wood of Vede.  Which his father Grangousier seeing, thought they had
+been lice, and said unto him, What, my dear son, hast thou brought us this
+far some short-winged hawks of the college of Montague?  I did not mean
+that thou shouldst reside there.  Then answered Ponocrates, My sovereign
+lord, think not that I have placed him in that lousy college which they
+call Montague; I had rather have put him amongst the grave-diggers of Sanct
+Innocent, so enormous is the cruelty and villainy that I have known there:
+for the galley-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars,
+the murderers in the criminal dungeons, yea, the very dogs in your house,
+than are the poor wretched students in the aforesaid college.  And if I
+were King of Paris, the devil take me if I would not set it on fire, and
+burn both principal and regents, for suffering this inhumanity to be
+exercised before their eyes.  Then, taking up one of these bullets, he
+said, These are cannon-shot, which your son Gargantua hath lately received
+by the treachery of your enemies, as he was passing before the wood of
+Vede.
+
+But they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the ruin of
+the castle, as were the Philistines by the policy of Samson, and those whom
+the tower of Silohim slew, as it is written in the thirteenth of Luke.  My
+opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side; for
+occasion hath all her hair on her forehead; when she is passed, you may not
+recall her,--she hath no tuft whereby you can lay hold on her, for she is
+bald in the hind-part of her head, and never returneth again.  Truly, said
+Grangousier, it shall not be at this time; for I will make you a feast
+this night, and bid you welcome.
+
+This said, they made ready supper, and, of extraordinary besides his daily
+fare, were roasted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and thirty calves,
+three score and three fat kids, four score and fifteen wethers, three
+hundred farrow pigs or sheats soused in sweet wine or must, eleven score
+partridges, seven hundred snipes and woodcocks, four hundred Loudun and
+Cornwall capons, six thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, six hundred
+crammed hens, fourteen hundred leverets, or young hares and rabbits, three
+hundred and three buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred cockerels.
+For venison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only eleven wild boars,
+which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eighteen fallow deer which the Lord
+of Gramount bestowed; together with seven score pheasants, which were sent
+by the Lord of Essars; and some dozens of queests, coushats, ringdoves, and
+woodculvers; river-fowl, teals and awteals, bitterns, courtes, plovers,
+francolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, tame ducks, shovellers,
+woodlanders, herons, moorhens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oranges,
+flamans, which are phaenicopters, or crimson-winged sea-fowls, terrigoles,
+turkeys, arbens, coots, solan-geese, curlews, termagants, and
+water-wagtails, with a great deal of cream, curds, and fresh cheese, and
+store of soup, pottages, and brewis with great variety.  Without doubt there
+was meat enough, and it was handsomely dressed by Snapsauce, Hotchpot, and
+Brayverjuice, Grangousier's cooks.  Jenkin Trudgeapace and Cleanglass were
+very careful to fill them drink.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXXVIII.
+
+How Gargantua did eat up six pilgrims in a salad.
+
+The story requireth that we relate that which happened unto six pilgrims
+who came from Sebastian near to Nantes, and who for shelter that night,
+being afraid of the enemy, had hid themselves in the garden upon the
+chichling peas, among the cabbages and lettuces.  Gargantua finding himself
+somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any lettuce to make him a salad;
+and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the country, for
+they were as great as plum-trees or as walnut-trees, he would go thither
+himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and withal
+carried away the six pilgrims, who were in so great fear that they did not
+dare to speak nor cough.
+
+Washing them, therefore, first at the fountain, the pilgrims said one to
+another softly, What shall we do?  We are almost drowned here amongst these
+lettuce, shall we speak?  But if we speak, he will kill us for spies.  And,
+as they were thus deliberating what to do, Gargantua put them with the
+lettuce into a platter of the house, as large as the huge tun of the White
+Friars of the Cistercian order; which done, with oil, vinegar, and salt, he
+ate them up, to refresh himself a little before supper, and had already
+swallowed up five of the pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally
+hid under a lettuce, except his bourdon or staff that appeared, and nothing
+else.  Which Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, I think that is the
+horn of a shell-snail, do not eat it.  Why not? said Gargantua, they are
+good all this month:  which he no sooner said, but, drawing up the staff,
+and therewith taking up the pilgrim, he ate him very well, then drank a
+terrible draught of excellent white wine.  The pilgrims, thus devoured,
+made shift to save themselves as well as they could, by withdrawing their
+bodies out of the reach of the grinders of his teeth, but could not escape
+from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon of a prison.  And
+when Gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to have been drowned
+in his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried them away into the
+gulf of his stomach.  Nevertheless, skipping with their bourdons, as St.
+Michael's palmers use to do, they sheltered themselves from the danger of
+that inundation under the banks of his teeth.  But one of them by chance,
+groping or sounding the country with his staff, to try whether they were in
+safety or no, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the
+mandibulary sinew or nerve of the jaw, which put Gargantua to very great
+pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt.  To ease himself
+therefore of his smarting ache, he called for his toothpicker, and rubbing
+towards a young walnut-tree, where they lay skulking, unnestled you my
+gentlemen pilgrims.
+
+For he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the pocket,
+another by the scarf, another by the band of the breeches, and the poor
+fellow that had hurt him with the bourdon, him he hooked to him by the
+codpiece, which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good, for it
+pierced unto him a pocky botch he had in the groin, which grievously
+tormented him ever since they were past Ancenis.  The pilgrims, thus
+dislodged, ran away athwart the plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain
+ceased, even just at the time when by Eudemon he was called to supper, for
+all was ready.  I will go then, said he, and piss away my misfortune; which
+he did do in such a copious measure, that the urine taking away the feet
+from the pilgrims, they were carried along with the stream unto the bank of
+a tuft of trees.  Upon which, as soon as they had taken footing, and that
+for their self-preservation they had run a little out of the road, they on
+a sudden fell all six, except Fourniller, into a trap that had been made to
+take wolves by a train, out of which, nevertheless, they escaped by the
+industry of the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares and ropes.  Being
+gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in a lodge near unto
+Coudray, where they were comforted in their miseries by the gracious words
+of one of their company, called Sweer-to-go, who showed them that this
+adventure had been foretold by the prophet David, Psalm.  Quum exsurgerent
+homines in nos, forte vivos deglutissent nos; when we were eaten in the
+salad, with salt, oil, and vinegar.  Quum irasceretur furor eorum in nos,
+forsitan aqua absorbuisset nos; when he drank the great draught.  Torrentem
+pertransivit anima nostra; when the stream of his water carried us to the
+thicket.  Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intolerabilem; that is,
+the water of his urine, the flood whereof, cutting our way, took our feet
+from us.  Benedictus Dominus qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum.
+Anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium; when we fell in
+the trap.  Laqueus contritus est, by Fourniller, et nos liberati sumus.
+Adjutorium nostrum, &c.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XXXIX.
+
+How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had
+at supper.
+
+When Gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had somewhat stayed
+their stomachs by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily,
+Grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the war raised between
+him and Picrochole; and came to tell how Friar John of the Funnels had
+triumphed at the defence of the close of the abbey, and extolled him for
+his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles.  Then
+Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that with
+him they might consult of what was to be done.  Whereupon, by a joint
+consent, his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his
+staff of the cross, upon Grangousier's mule.  When he was come, a thousand
+huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given.  Ha,
+Friar John, my friend Friar John, my brave cousin Friar John from the
+devil!  Let me clip thee, my heart, about the neck; to me an armful.  I
+must grip thee, my ballock, till thy back crack with it.  Come, my cod, let
+me coll thee till I kill thee.  And Friar John, the gladdest man in the
+world, never was man made welcomer, never was any more courteously and
+graciously received than Friar John.  Come, come, said Gargantua, a stool
+here close by me at this end.  I am content, said the monk, seeing you will
+have it so.  Some water, page; fill, my boy, fill; it is to refresh my
+liver.  Give me some, child, to gargle my throat withal.  Deposita cappa,
+said Gymnast, let us pull off this frock.  Ho, by G--, gentlemen, said the
+monk, there is a chapter in Statutis Ordinis which opposeth my laying of it
+down.  Pish! said Gymnast, a fig for your chapter!  This frock breaks both
+your shoulders, put it off.  My friend, said the monk, let me alone with
+it; for, by G--, I'll drink the better that it is on.  It makes all my body
+jocund.  If I should lay it aside, the waggish pages would cut to
+themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Coulaines.  And,
+which is worse, I shall lose my appetite.  But if in this habit I sit down
+at table, I will drink, by G--, both to thee and to thy horse, and so
+courage, frolic, God save the company!  I have already supped, yet will I
+eat never a whit the less for that; for I have a paved stomach, as hollow
+as a butt of malvoisie or St. Benedictus' boot (butt), and always open like
+a lawyer's pouch.  Of all fishes but the tench take the wing of a partridge
+or the thigh of a nun.  Doth not he die like a good fellow that dies with a
+stiff catso?  Our prior loves exceedingly the white of a capon.  In that,
+said Gymnast, he doth not resemble the foxes; for of the capons, hens, and
+pullets which they carry away they never eat the white.  Why? said the
+monk.  Because, said Gymnast, they have no cooks to dress them; and, if
+they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white; the
+redness of meats being a token that they have not got enough of the fire,
+whether by boiling, roasting, or otherwise, except the shrimps, lobsters,
+crabs, and crayfishes, which are cardinalized with boiling.  By God's
+feast-gazers, said the monk, the porter of our abbey then hath not his head
+well boiled, for his eyes are as red as a mazer made of an alder-tree.  The
+thigh of this leveret is good for those that have the gout.  To the purpose
+of the truel,--what is the reason that the thighs of a gentlewoman are
+always fresh and cool?  This problem, said Gargantua, is neither in
+Aristotle, in Alexander Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch.  There are three
+causes, said the monk, by which that place is naturally refreshed.  Primo,
+because the water runs all along by it.  Secundo, because it is a shady
+place, obscure and dark, upon which the sun never shines.  And thirdly,
+because it is continually flabbelled, blown upon, and aired by the north
+winds of the hole arstick, the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the
+codpiece.  And lusty, my lads.  Some bousing liquor, page!  So! crack,
+crack, crack.  O how good is God, that gives us of this excellent juice!  I
+call him to witness, if I had been in the time of Jesus Christ, I would
+have kept him from being taken by the Jews in the garden of Olivet.  And
+the devil fail me, if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these
+gentlemen apostles who ran away so basely after they had well supped, and
+left their good master in the lurch.  I hate that man worse than poison
+that offers to run away when he should fight and lay stoutly about him.  Oh
+that I were but King of France for fourscore or a hundred years!  By G--, I
+should whip like curtail-dogs these runaways of Pavia.  A plague take them;
+why did they not choose rather to die there than to leave their good prince
+in that pinch and necessity?  Is it not better and more honourable to
+perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running
+away?  We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year; therefore,
+friend, reach me some of that roasted pig there.
+
+Diavolo, is there no more must?  No more sweet wine?  Germinavit radix
+Jesse.  Je renie ma vie, je meurs de soif; I renounce my life, I rage for
+thirst.  This wine is none of the worst.  What wine drink you at Paris?  I
+give myself to the devil, if I did not once keep open house at Paris for
+all comers six months together.  Do you know Friar Claude of the high
+kilderkins?  Oh the good fellow that he is!  But I do not know what fly
+hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a student.  For my part, I
+study not at all.  In our abbey we never study for fear of the mumps, which
+disease in horses is called the mourning in the chine.  Our late abbot was
+wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk.  By G--,
+master, my friend, Magis magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes.
+You never saw so many hares as there are this year.  I could not anywhere
+come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon.  My Lord Belloniere promised me a
+lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become pursy.  The
+partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up
+our ears.  I take no delight in the stalking-horse, for I catch such cold
+that I am like to founder myself at that sport.  If I do not run, toil,
+travel, and trot about, I am not well at ease.  True it is that in leaping
+over the hedges and bushes my frock leaves always some of its wool behind
+it.  I have recovered a dainty greyhound; I give him to the devil, if he
+suffer a hare to escape him.  A groom was leading him to my Lord
+Huntlittle, and I robbed him of him.  Did I ill?  No, Friar John, said
+Gymnast, no, by all the devils that are, no!  So, said the monk, do I
+attest these same devils so long as they last, or rather, virtue (of) G--,
+what could that gouty limpard have done with so fine a dog?  By the body of
+G--, he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of oxen.
+How now, said Ponocrates, you swear, Friar John.  It is only, said the
+monk, but to grace and adorn my speech.  They are colours of a Ciceronian
+rhetoric.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XL.
+
+Why monks are the outcasts of the world; and wherefore some have bigger
+noses than others.
+
+By the faith of a Christian, said Eudemon, I do wonderfully dote and enter
+in a great ecstasy when I consider the honesty and good fellowship of this
+monk, for he makes us here all merry.  How is it, then, that they exclude
+the monks from all good companies, calling them feast-troublers, marrers of
+mirth, and disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees drive away the
+drones from their hives?  Ignavum fucos pecus, said Maro, a praesepibus
+arcent.  Hereunto, answered Gargantua, there is nothing so true as that the
+frock and cowl draw unto itself the opprobries, injuries, and maledictions
+of the world, just as the wind called Cecias attracts the clouds.  The
+peremptory reason is, because they eat the ordure and excrements of the
+world, that is to say, the sins of the people, and, like dung-chewers and
+excrementitious eaters, they are cast into the privies and secessive
+places, that is, the convents and abbeys, separated from political
+conversation, as the jakes and retreats of a house are.  But if you
+conceive how an ape in a family is always mocked and provokingly incensed,
+you shall easily apprehend how monks are shunned of all men, both young and
+old.  The ape keeps not the house as a dog doth, he draws not in the plough
+as the ox, he yields neither milk nor wool as the sheep, he carrieth no
+burden as a horse doth.  That which he doth, is only to conskite, spoil,
+and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks,
+frumperies, and bastinadoes.
+
+After the same manner a monk--I mean those lither, idle, lazy monks--doth
+not labour and work, as do the peasant and artificer; doth not ward and
+defend the country, as doth the man of war; cureth not the sick and
+diseased, as the physician doth; doth neither preach nor teach, as do the
+evangelical doctors and schoolmasters; doth not import commodities and
+things necessary for the commonwealth, as the merchant doth.  Therefore is
+it that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated, and abhorred.  Yea,
+but, said Grangousier, they pray to God for us.  Nothing less, answered
+Gargantua.  True it is, that with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they
+trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them.  Right, said the
+monk; a mass, a matin, a vesper well rung, are half said.  They mumble out
+great store of legends and psalms, by them not at all understood; they say
+many paternosters interlarded with Ave-Maries, without thinking upon or
+apprehending the meaning of what it is they say, which truly I call mocking
+of God, and not prayers.  But so help them God, as they pray for us, and
+not for being afraid to lose their victuals, their manchots, and good fat
+pottage.  All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in all places
+and at all times, send up their prayers to God, and the Mediator prayeth
+and intercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them.  Now such a one is
+our good Friar John; therefore every man desireth to have him in his
+company.  He is no bigot or hypocrite; he is not torn and divided betwixt
+reality and appearance; no wretch of a rugged and peevish disposition, but
+honest, jovial, resolute, and a good fellow.  He travels, he labours, he
+defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the needy, and keeps
+the close of the abbey.  Nay, said the monk, I do a great deal more than
+that; for whilst we are in despatching our matins and anniversaries in the
+choir, I make withal some crossbow-strings, polish glass bottles and bolts,
+I twist lines and weave purse nets wherein to catch coneys.  I am never
+idle.  But now, hither come, some drink, some drink here!  Bring the fruit.
+These chestnuts are of the wood of Estrox, and with good new wine are able
+to make you a fine cracker and composer of bum-sonnets.  You are not as
+yet, it seems, well moistened in this house with the sweet wine and must.
+By G--, I drink to all men freely, and at all fords, like a proctor or
+promoter's horse.  Friar John, said Gymnast, take away the snot that hangs
+at your nose.  Ha, ha, said the monk, am not I in danger of drowning,
+seeing I am in water even to the nose?  No, no, Quare?  Quia, though some
+water come out from thence, there never goes in any; for it is well
+antidoted with pot-proof armour and syrup of the vine-leaf.
+
+Oh, my friend, he that hath winter-boots made of such leather may boldly
+fish for oysters, for they will never take water.  What is the cause, said
+Gargantua, that Friar John hath such a fair nose?  Because, said
+Grangousier, that God would have it so, who frameth us in such form and for
+such end as is most agreeable with his divine will, even as a potter
+fashioneth his vessels.  Because, said Ponocrates, he came with the first
+to the fair of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the
+greatest.  Pish, said the monk, that is not the reason of it, but,
+according to the true monastical philosophy, it is because my nurse had
+soft teats, by virtue whereof, whilst she gave me suck, my nose did sink in
+as in so much butter.  The hard breasts of nurses make children
+short-nosed.  But hey, gay, Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi.  I
+never eat any confections, page, whilst I am at the bibbery.  Item, bring
+me rather some toasts.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XLI.
+
+How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours and breviaries.
+
+Supper being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded
+that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy, to know what
+manner of watch and ward they kept, and that in the meanwhile they should
+take a little rest the better to refresh themselves.  But Gargantua could
+not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself.  Whereupon
+the monk said to him, I never sleep soundly but when I am at sermon or
+prayers.  Let us therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential psalms,
+to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep.  The conceit pleased
+Gargantua very well, and, beginning the first of these psalms, as soon as
+they came to the words Beati quorum they fell asleep, both the one and the
+other.  But the monk, for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of
+claustral matins, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and, being
+up himself, awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full clear
+voice, the song:
+
+  Awake, O Reinian, ho, awake!
+    Awake, O Reinian, ho!
+  Get up, you no more sleep must take;
+    Get up, for we must go.
+
+When they were all roused and up, he said, My masters, it is a usual
+saying, that we begin matins with coughing and supper with drinking.  Let
+us now, in doing clean contrarily, begin our matins with drinking, and at
+night before supper we shall cough as hard as we can.  What, said
+Gargantua, to drink so soon after sleep?  This is not to live according to
+the diet and prescript rule of the physicians, for you ought first to scour
+and cleanse your stomach of all its superfluities and excrements.  Oh, well
+physicked, said the monk; a hundred devils leap into my body, if there be
+not more old drunkards than old physicians!  I have made this paction and
+covenant with my appetite, that it always lieth down and goes to bed with
+myself, for to that I every day give very good order; then the next morning
+it also riseth with me and gets up when I am awake.  Mind you your charges,
+gentlemen, or tend your cures as much as you will.  I will get me to my
+drawer; in terms of falconry, my tiring.  What drawer or tiring do you
+mean? said Gargantua.  My breviary, said the monk, for just as the
+falconers, before they feed their hawks, do make them draw at a hen's leg
+to purge their brains of phlegm and sharpen them to a good appetite, so, by
+taking this merry little breviary in the morning, I scour all my lungs and
+am presently ready to drink.
+
+After what manner, said Gargantua, do you say these fair hours and prayers
+of yours?  After the manner of Whipfield (Fessecamp, and corruptly Fecan.),
+said the monk, by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing at all, he
+that will.  I never tie myself to hours, prayers, and sacraments; for they
+are made for the man and not the man for them.  Therefore is it that I make
+my prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers; I shorten or lengthen them when
+I think good.  Brevis oratio penetrat caelos et longa potatio evacuat
+scyphos.  Where is that written?  By my faith, said Ponocrates, I cannot
+tell, my pillicock, but thou art more worth than gold.  Therein, said the
+monk, I am like you; but, venite, apotemus.  Then made they ready store of
+carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and good fat soups, or brewis with
+sippets; and the monk drank what he pleased.  Some kept him company, and
+the rest did forbear, for their stomachs were not as yet opened.
+Afterwards every man began to arm and befit himself for the field. And they
+armed the monk against his will; for he desired no other armour for back
+and breast but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand but the staff of
+the cross.  Yet at their pleasure was he completely armed cap-a-pie, and
+mounted upon one of the best horses in the kingdom, with a good slashing
+shable by his side, together with Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eudemon,
+and five-and-twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of
+Grangousier's house, all armed at proof with their lances in their hands,
+mounted like St. George, and everyone of them having an arquebusier behind
+him.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XLII.
+
+How the Monk encouraged his fellow-champions, and how he hanged upon a
+tree.
+
+Thus went out those valiant champions on their adventure, in full
+resolution to know what enterprise they should undertake, and what to take
+heed of and look well to in the day of the great and horrible battle.  And
+the monk encouraged them, saying, My children, do not fear nor doubt, I
+will conduct you safely.  God and Sanct Benedict be with us!  If I had
+strength answerable to my courage, by's death, I would plume them for you
+like ducks.  I fear nothing but the great ordnance; yet I know of a charm
+by way of prayer, which the subsexton of our abbey taught me, that will
+preserve a man from the violence of guns and all manner of fire-weapons and
+engines; but it will do me no good, because I do not believe it.
+Nevertheless, I hope my staff of the cross shall this day play devilish
+pranks amongst them.  By G--, whoever of our party shall offer to play the
+duck, and shrink when blows are a-dealing, I give myself to the devil, if I
+do not make a monk of him in my stead, and hamper him within my frock,
+which is a sovereign cure against cowardice.  Did you never hear of my Lord
+Meurles his greyhound, which was not worth a straw in the fields?  He put a
+frock about his neck:  by the body of G--, there was neither hare nor fox
+that could escape him, and, which is more, he lined all the bitches in the
+country, though before that he was feeble-reined and ex frigidis et
+maleficiatis.
+
+The monk uttering these words in choler, as he passed under a walnut-tree,
+in his way towards the causey, he broached the vizor of his helmet on the
+stump of a great branch of the said tree.  Nevertheless, he set his spurs
+so fiercely to the horse, who was full of mettle and quick on the spur,
+that he bounded forwards, and the monk going about to ungrapple his vizor,
+let go his hold of the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough,
+whilst his horse stole away from under him.  By this means was the monk
+left hanging on the walnut-tree, and crying for help, murder, murder,
+swearing also that he was betrayed.  Eudemon perceived him first, and
+calling Gargantua said, Sir, come and see Absalom hanging.  Gargantua,
+being come, considered the countenance of the monk, and in what posture he
+hanged; wherefore he said to Eudemon, You were mistaken in comparing him to
+Absalom; for Absalom hung by his hair, but this shaveling monk hangeth by
+the ears.  Help me, said the monk, in the devil's name; is this a time for
+you to prate?  You seem to me to be like the decretalist preachers, who say
+that whosoever shall see his neighbour in the danger of death, ought, upon
+pain of trisulk excommunication, rather choose to admonish him to make his
+confession to a priest, and put his conscience in the state of peace, than
+otherwise to help and relieve him.
+
+And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river, and ready to be
+drowned, I shall make them a fair long sermon de contemptu mundi, et fuga
+seculi; and when they are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and
+succour in fishing after them.  Be quiet, said Gymnast, and stir not, my
+minion.  I am now coming to unhang thee and to set thee at freedom, for
+thou art a pretty little gentle monachus.  Monachus in claustro non valet
+ova duo; sed quando est extra, bene valet triginta.  I have seen above five
+hundred hanged, but I never saw any have a better countenance in his
+dangling and pendilatory swagging.  Truly, if I had so good a one, I would
+willingly hang thus all my lifetime.  What, said the monk, have you almost
+done preaching?  Help me, in the name of God, seeing you will not in the
+name of the other spirit, or, by the habit which I wear, you shall repent
+it, tempore et loco praelibatis.
+
+Then Gymnast alighted from his horse, and, climbing up the walnut-tree,
+lifted up the monk with one hand by the gussets of his armour under the
+armpits, and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken
+branch; which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after.  As
+soon as the monk was down, he put off all his armour, and threw away one
+piece after another about the field, and, taking to him again his staff of
+the cross, remounted up to his horse, which Eudemon had caught in his
+running away.  Then went they on merrily, riding along on the highway.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XLIII.
+
+How the scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua, and
+how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth (Tirevant.), and then was taken
+prisoner by his enemies.
+
+Picrochole, at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and
+defeat wherein Tripet was untriped, grew very angry that the devils should
+have so run upon his men, and held all that night a counsel of war, at
+which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet (Hastiveau, Touquedillon.), concluded his
+power to be such that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell if they
+should come to jostle with his forces.  This Picrochole did not fully
+believe, though he doubted not much of it.  Therefore sent he under the
+command and conduct of the Count Drawforth, for discovering of the country,
+the number of sixteen hundred horsemen, all well mounted upon light horses
+for skirmish and thoroughly besprinkled with holy water; and everyone for
+their field-mark or cognizance had the sign of a star in his scarf, to
+serve at all adventures in case they should happen to encounter with
+devils, that by the virtue, as well of that Gregorian water as of the stars
+which they wore, they might make them disappear and evanish.
+
+In this equipage they made an excursion upon the country till they came
+near to the Vauguyon, which is the valley of Guyon, and to the spital, but
+could never find anybody to speak unto; whereupon they returned a little
+back, and took occasion to pass above the aforesaid hospital to try what
+intelligence they could come by in those parts.  In which resolution riding
+on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge or shepherd's cottage near to Coudray
+hitting upon the five pilgrims, they carried them way-bound and manacled,
+as if they had been spies, for all the exclamations, adjurations, and
+requests that they could make.  Being come down from thence towards
+Seville, they were heard by Gargantua, who said then unto those that were
+with him, Comrades and fellow-soldiers, we have here met with an encounter,
+and they are ten times in number more than we.  Shall we charge them or no?
+What a devil, said the monk, shall we do else?  Do you esteem men by their
+number rather than by their valour and prowess?  With this he cried out,
+Charge, devils, charge!  Which when the enemies heard, they thought
+certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore even then began all
+of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Drawforth only excepted,
+who immediately settled his lance on its rest, and therewith hit the monk
+with all his force on the very middle of his breast, but, coming against
+his horrific frock, the point of the iron being with the blow either broke
+off or blunted, it was in matter of execution as if you had struck against
+an anvil with a little wax-candle.
+
+Then did the monk with his staff of the cross give him such a sturdy thump
+and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders, upon the acromion bone, that he
+made him lose both sense and motion and fall down stone dead at his horse's
+feet; and, seeing the sign of the star which he wore scarfwise, he said
+unto Gargantua, These men are but priests, which is but the beginning of a
+monk; by St. John, I am a perfect monk, I will kill them to you like flies.
+Then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop till he overtook the
+rear, and felled them down like tree-leaves, striking athwart and alongst
+and every way.  Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue
+them.  To whom Gargantua answered, By no means; for, according to right
+military discipline, you must never drive your enemy unto despair, for that
+such a strait doth multiply his force and increase his courage, which was
+before broken and cast down; neither is there any better help or outrage of
+relief for men that are amazed, out of heart, toiled, and spent, than to
+hope for no favour at all.  How many victories have been taken out of the
+hands of the victors by the vanquished, when they would not rest satisfied
+with reason, but attempt to put all to the sword, and totally to destroy
+their enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home news of the
+defeat of his fellows.  Open, therefore, unto your enemies all the gates
+and ways, and make to them a bridge of silver rather than fail, that you
+may be rid of them.  Yea, but, said Gymnast, they have the monk.  Have they
+the monk? said Gargantua.  Upon mine honour, then, it will prove to their
+cost.  But to prevent all dangers, let us not yet retreat, but halt here
+quietly as in an ambush; for I think I do already understand the policy and
+judgment of our enemies.  They are truly more directed by chance and mere
+fortune than by good advice and counsel.  In the meanwhile, whilst these
+made a stop under the walnut-trees, the monk pursued on the chase, charging
+all he overtook, and giving quarter to none, until he met with a trooper
+who carried behind him one of the poor pilgrims, and there would have
+rifled him.  The pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the monk, cried
+out, Ha, my lord prior, my good friend, my lord prior, save me, I beseech
+you, save me!  Which words being heard by those that rode in the van, they
+instantly faced about, and seeing there was nobody but the monk that made
+this great havoc and slaughter among them, they loaded him with blows as
+thick as they use to do an ass with wood.  But of all this he felt nothing,
+especially when they struck upon his frock, his skin was so hard.  Then
+they committed him to two of the marshal's men to keep, and, looking about,
+saw nobody coming against them, whereupon they thought that Gargantua and
+his party were fled.  Then was it that they rode as hard as they could
+towards the walnut-trees to meet with them, and left the monk there all
+alone, with his two foresaid men to guard him.  Gargantua heard the noise
+and neighing of the horses, and said to his men, Comrades, I hear the track
+and beating of the enemy's horse-feet, and withal perceive that some of
+them come in a troop and full body against us.  Let us rally and close
+here, then set forward in order, and by this means we shall be able to
+receive their charge to their loss and our honour.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XLIV.
+
+How the Monk rid himself of his keepers, and how Picrochole's forlorn hope
+was defeated.
+
+The monk, seeing them break off thus without order, conjectured that they
+were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him, and was
+wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them.  Then considered he the
+countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was, who would have
+willingly run after the troops to get some booty and plunder, and were
+always looking towards the valley unto which they were going.  Farther, he
+syllogized, saying, These men are but badly skilled in matters of war, for
+they have not required my parole, neither have they taken my sword from me.
+Suddenly hereafter he drew his brackmard or horseman's sword, wherewith he
+gave the keeper which held him on the right side such a sound slash that he
+cut clean through the jugulary veins and the sphagitid or transparent
+arteries of the neck, with the fore-part of the throat called the
+gargareon, even unto the two adenes, which are throat kernels; and,
+redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and
+third vertebrae.  There fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground.
+Then the monk, reining his horse to the left, ran upon the other, who,
+seeing his fellow dead, and the monk to have the advantage of him, cried
+with a loud voice, Ha, my lord prior, quarter; I yield, my lord prior,
+quarter; quarter, my good friend, my lord prior.  And the monk cried
+likewise, My lord posterior, my friend, my lord posterior, you shall have
+it upon your posteriorums.  Ha, said the keeper, my lord prior, my minion,
+my gentle lord prior, I pray God make you an abbot.  By the habit, said the
+monk, which I wear, I will here make you a cardinal.  What! do you use to
+pay ransoms to religious men?  You shall therefore have by-and-by a red hat
+of my giving.  And the fellow cried, Ha, my lord prior, my lord prior, my
+lord abbot that shall be, my lord cardinal, my lord all!  Ha, ha, hes, no,
+my lord prior, my good little lord the prior, I yield, render and deliver
+myself up to you.  And I deliver thee, said the monk, to all the devils in
+hell.  Then at one stroke he cut off his head, cutting his scalp upon the
+temple-bones, and lifting up in the upper part of the skull the two
+triangulary bones called sincipital, or the two bones bregmatis, together
+with the sagittal commissure or dartlike seam which distinguisheth the
+right side of the head from the left, as also a great part of the coronal
+or forehead bone, by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two meninges
+or films which enwrap the brain, and made a deep wound in the brain's two
+posterior ventricles, and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his
+shoulders by the skin of the pericranium behind, in form of a doctor's
+bonnet, black without and red within.  Thus fell he down also to the ground
+stark dead.
+
+And presently the monk gave his horse the spur, and kept the way that the
+enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broad
+highway, and were so diminished of their number for the enormous slaughter
+that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast,
+Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly
+and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both sense
+and understanding, and as if they had seen the very proper species and form
+of death before their eyes; or rather, as when you see an ass with a brizze
+or gadbee under his tail, or fly that stings him, run hither and thither
+without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground,
+breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man
+can tell what ails him, for they see not anything touch him.  So fled these
+people destitute of wit, without knowing any cause of flying, only pursued
+by a panic terror which in their minds they had conceived.  The monk,
+perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their heels,
+alighted from his horse and got upon a big large rock which was in the way,
+and with his great brackmard sword laid such load upon those runaways, and
+with main strength fetching a compass with his arm without feigning or
+sparing, slew and overthrew so many that his sword broke in two pieces.
+Then thought he within himself that he had slain and killed sufficiently,
+and that the rest should escape to carry news.  Therefore he took up a
+battle-axe of those that lay there dead, and got upon the rock again,
+passing his time to see the enemy thus flying and to tumble himself amongst
+the dead bodies, only that he suffered none to carry pike, sword, lance,
+nor gun with him, and those who carried the pilgrims bound he made to
+alight, and gave their horses unto the said pilgrims, keeping them there
+with him under the hedge, and also Touchfaucet, who was then his prisoner.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XLV.
+
+How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words
+that Grangousier gave them.
+
+This skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated with his men, excepting the
+monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier, who in
+his bed was praying unto God for their safety and victory.  And seeing them
+all safe and sound, he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become of
+the monk.  Gargantua answered him that without doubt the enemies had the
+monk.  Then have they mischief and ill luck, said Grangousier; which was
+very true.  Therefore is it a common proverb to this day, to give a man the
+monk, or, as in French, lui bailler le moine, when they would express the
+doing unto one a mischief.  Then commanded he a good breakfast to be
+provided for their refreshment.  When all was ready, they called Gargantua,
+but he was so aggrieved that the monk was not to be heard of that he would
+neither eat nor drink.  In the meanwhile the monk comes, and from the gate
+of the outer court cries out aloud, Fresh wine, fresh wine, Gymnast my
+friend!  Gymnast went out and saw that it was Friar John, who brought along
+with him five pilgrims and Touchfaucet prisoners; whereupon Gargantua
+likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcome
+that possibly they could, and brought him before Grangousier, who asked him
+of all his adventures.  The monk told him all, both how he was taken, how
+he rid himself of his keepers, of the slaughter he had made by the way, and
+how he had rescued the pilgrims and brought along with him Captain
+Touchfaucet.  Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily.  In
+the meantime Grangousier asked the pilgrims what countrymen they were,
+whence they came, and whither they went.  Sweer-to-go in the name of the
+rest answered, My sovereign lord, I am of Saint Genou in Berry, this man is
+of Palvau, this other is of Onzay, this of Argy, this of St. Nazarand, and
+this man of Villebrenin.  We come from Saint Sebastian near Nantes, and are
+now returning, as we best may, by easy journeys.  Yea, but, said
+Grangousier, what went you to do at Saint Sebastian?  We went, said
+Sweer-to-go, to offer up unto that sanct our vows against the plague.  Ah,
+poor men! said Grangousier, do you think that the plague comes from Saint
+Sebastian?  Yes, truly, answered Sweer-to-go, our preachers tell us so
+indeed.  But is it so, said Grangousier, do the false prophets teach you
+such abuses?  Do they thus blaspheme the sancts and holy men of God, as to
+make them like unto the devils, who do nothing but hurt unto mankind,--as
+Homer writeth, that the plague was sent into the camp of the Greeks by
+Apollo, and as the poets feign a great rabble of Vejoves and mischievous
+gods.  So did a certain cafard or dissembling religionary preach at Sinay,
+that Saint Anthony sent the fire into men's legs, that Saint Eutropius made
+men hydropic, Saint Clidas, fools, and that Saint Genou made them goutish.
+But I punished him so exemplarily, though he called me heretic for it, that
+since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set his foot within my
+territories.  And truly I wonder that your king should suffer them in their
+sermons to publish such scandalous doctrine in his dominions; for they
+deserve to be chastised with greater severity than those who, by magical
+art, or any other device, have brought the pestilence into a country.  The
+pest killeth but the bodies, but such abominable imposters empoison our
+very souls.  As he spake these words, in came the monk very resolute, and
+asked them, Whence are you, you poor wretches?  Of Saint Genou, said they.
+And how, said the monk, does the Abbot Gulligut, the good drinker,--and the
+monks, what cheer make they?  By G-- body, they'll have a fling at your
+wives, and breast them to some purpose, whilst you are upon your roaming
+rant and gadding pilgrimage.  Hin, hen, said Sweer-to-go, I am not afraid
+of mine, for he that shall see her by day will never break his neck to come
+to her in the night-time.  Yea, marry, said the monk, now you have hit it.
+Let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, she will once, by the Lord G--,
+be overturned, and get her skin-coat shaken, if there dwell any monks near
+to her; for a good carpenter will make use of any kind of timber.  Let me
+be peppered with the pox, if you find not all your wives with child at your
+return; for the very shadow of the steeple of an abbey is fruitful.  It is,
+said Gargantua, like the water of Nilus in Egypt, if you believe Strabo and
+Pliny, Lib. 7, cap. 3.  What virtue will there be then, said the monk, in
+their bullets of concupiscence, their habits and their bodies?
+
+Then, said Grangousier, go your ways, poor men, in the name of God the
+Creator, to whom I pray to guide you perpetually, and henceforward be not
+so ready to undertake these idle and unprofitable journeys.  Look to your
+families, labour every man in his vocation, instruct your children, and
+live as the good apostle St. Paul directeth you; in doing whereof, God, his
+angels and sancts, will guard and protect you, and no evil or plague at any
+time shall befall you.  Then Gargantua led them into the hall to take their
+refection; but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua, O
+how happy is that land which hath such a man for their lord!  We have been
+more edified and instructed by the talk which he had with us, than by all
+the sermons that ever were preached in our town.  This is, said Gargantua,
+that which Plato saith, Lib. 5 de Republ., that those commonwealths are
+happy, whose rulers philosophate, and whose philosophers rule.  Then caused
+he their wallets to be filled with victuals and their bottles with wine,
+and gave unto each of them a horse to ease them upon the way, together with
+some pence to live by.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XLVI.
+
+How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchfaucet his prisoner.
+
+Touchfaucet was presented unto Grangousier, and by him examined upon the
+enterprise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, or
+aim at, by the rustling stir and tumultuary coil of this his sudden
+invasion.  Whereunto he answered, that his end and purpose was to conquer
+all the country, if he could, for the injury done to his cake-bakers.  It
+is too great an undertaking, said Grangousier; and, as the proverb is, He
+that grips too much, holds fast but little.  The time is not now as
+formerly, to conquer the kingdoms of our neighbour princes, and to build up
+our own greatness upon the loss of our nearest Christian Brother.  This
+imitation of the ancient Herculeses, Alexanders, Hannibals, Scipios,
+Caesars, and other such heroes, is quite contrary to the profession of the
+gospel of Christ, by which we are commanded to preserve, keep, rule, and
+govern every man his own country and lands, and not in a hostile manner to
+invade others; and that which heretofore the Barbars and Saracens called
+prowess and valour, we do now call robbing, thievery, and wickedness.  It
+would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within
+the bounds of his own territories, royally governing them, than to insult
+and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering everywhere like a most
+unmerciful enemy; for, by ruling his own with discretion, he might have
+increased his greatness, but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction.
+Go your ways in the name of God, prosecute good enterprises, show your king
+what is amiss, and never counsel him with regard unto your own particular
+profit, for the public loss will swallow up the private benefit.  As for
+your ransom, I do freely remit it to you, and will that your arms and horse
+be restored to you; so should good neighbours do, and ancient friends,
+seeing this our difference is not properly war.  As Plato, Lib. 5 de
+Repub., would not have it called war, but sedition, when the Greeks took up
+arms against one another, and that therefore, when such combustions should
+arise amongst them, his advice was to behave themselves in the managing of
+them with all discretion and modesty.  Although you call it war, it is but
+superficial; it entereth not into the closet and inmost cabinet of our
+hearts.  For neither of us hath been wronged in his honour, nor is there
+any question betwixt us in the main, but only how to redress, by the bye,
+some petty faults committed by our men,--I mean, both yours and ours,
+which, although you knew, you ought to let pass; for these quarrelsome
+persons deserve rather to be contemned than mentioned, especially seeing I
+offered them satisfaction according to the wrong.  God shall be the just
+judge of our variances, whom I beseech by death rather to take me out of
+this life, and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine
+eyes, than that by me or mine he should in any sort be wronged.  These
+words uttered, he called the monk, and before them all thus spoke unto him,
+Friar John, my good friend, it is you that took prisoner the Captain
+Touchfaucet here present?  Sir, said the monk, seeing himself is here, and
+that he is of the years of discretion, I had rather you should know it by
+his confession than by any words of mine.  Then said Touchfaucet, My
+sovereign lord it is he indeed that took me, and I do therefore most freely
+yield myself his prisoner.  Have you put him to any ransom? said
+Grangousier to the monk.  No, said the monk, of that I take no care.  How
+much would you have for having taken him?  Nothing, nothing, said the monk;
+I am not swayed by that, nor do I regard it.  Then Grangousier commanded
+that, in presence of Touchfaucet, should be delivered to the monk for
+taking him the sum of three score and two thousand saluts (in English
+money, fifteen thousand and five hundred pounds), which was done, whilst
+they made a collation or little banquet to the said Touchfaucet, of whom
+Grangousier asked if he would stay with him, or if he loved rather to
+return to his king.  Touchfaucet answered that he was content to take
+whatever course he would advise him to.  Then, said Grangousier, return
+unto your king, and God be with you.
+
+Then he gave him an excellent sword of a Vienne blade, with a golden
+scabbard wrought with vine-branch-like flourishes, of fair goldsmith's
+work, and a collar or neck-chain of gold, weighing seven hundred and two
+thousand marks (at eight ounces each), garnished with precious stones of
+the finest sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats, and ten
+thousand crowns more, as an honourable donative, by way of present.
+
+After this talk Touchfaucet got to his horse, and Gargantua for his safety
+allowed him the guard of thirty men-at-arms and six score archers to attend
+him, under the conduct of Gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate of the
+rock Clermond, if there were need.  As soon as he was gone, the monk
+restored unto Grangousier the three score and two thousand saluts which he
+had received, saying, Sir, it is not as yet the time for you to give such
+gifts; stay till this war be at an end, for none can tell what accidents
+may occur, and war begun without good provision of money beforehand for
+going through with it, is but as a breathing of strength, and blast that
+will quickly pass away.  Coin is the sinews of war.  Well then, said
+Grangousier, at the end I will content you by some honest recompense, as
+also all those who shall do me good service.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XLVII.
+
+How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf,
+and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole.
+
+About this same time those of Besse, of the Old Market, of St. James'
+Bourg, of the Draggage, of Parille, of the Rivers, of the rocks St. Pol, of
+the Vaubreton, of Pautille, of the Brehemont, of Clainbridge, of Cravant,
+of Grammont, of the town at the Badgerholes, of Huymes, of Segre, of Husse,
+of St. Lovant, of Panzoust, of the Coldraux, of Verron, of Coulaines, of
+Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Island, of the Croullay,
+of Narsay, of Cande, of Montsoreau, and other bordering places, sent
+ambassadors unto Grangousier, to tell him that they were advised of the
+great wrongs which Picrochole had done him, and, in regard of their ancient
+confederacy, offered him what assistance they could afford, both in men,
+money, victuals, and ammunition, and other necessaries for war.  The money
+which by the joint agreement of them all was sent unto him, amounted to six
+score and fourteen millions, two crowns and a half of pure gold.  The
+forces wherewith they did assist him did consist in fifteen thousand
+cuirassiers, two-and-thirty thousand light horsemen, four score and nine
+thousand dragoons, and a hundred-and-forty thousand volunteer adventurers.
+These had with them eleven thousand and two hundred cannons, double
+cannons, long pieces of artillery called basilisks, and smaller sized ones
+known by the name of spirols, besides the mortar-pieces and grenadoes.  Of
+pioneers they had seven-and-forty thousand, all victualled and paid for six
+months and four days of advance.  Which offer Gargantua did not altogether
+refuse, nor wholly accept of; but, giving them hearty thanks, said that he
+would compose and order the war by such a device, that there should not be
+found great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the managing of
+it; and therefore was content at that time to give order only for bringing
+along the legions which he maintained in his ordinary garrison towns of the
+Deviniere, of Chavigny, of Gravot, and of the Quinquenais, amounting to the
+number of two thousand cuirassiers, three score and six thousand
+foot-soldiers, six-and-twenty thousand dragoons, attended by two hundred
+pieces of great ordnance, two-and-twenty thousand pioneers, and six thousand
+light horsemen, all drawn up in troops, so well befitted and accommodated
+with their commissaries, sutlers, farriers, harness-makers, and other such
+like necessary members in a military camp, so fully instructed in the art of
+warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to hear
+and obey their captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so
+prudent in their adventures, and every day so well disciplined, that they
+seemed rather to be a concert of organ-pipes, or mutual concord of the
+wheels of a clock, than an infantry and cavalry, or army of soldiers.
+
+Touchfaucet immediately after his return presented himself before
+Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen,
+and at last endeavoured to persuade him with strong and forcible arguments
+to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier, whom he found to be
+the honestest man in the world; saying further, that it was neither right
+nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they had never received
+anything but good.  And in regard of the main point, that they should never
+be able to go through stitch with that war, but to their great damage and
+mischief; for the forces of Picrochole were not so considerable but that
+Grangousier could easily overthrow them.
+
+He had not well done speaking when Rashcalf said out aloud, Unhappy is that
+prince which is by such men served, who are so easily corrupted, as I know
+Touchfaucet is.  For I see his courage so changed that he had willingly
+joined with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if they would
+have received him; but as virtue is of all, both friends and foes, praised
+and esteemed, so is wickedness soon known and suspected, and although it
+happen the enemies to make use thereof for their profit, yet have they
+always the wicked and the traitors in abomination.
+
+Touchfaucet being at these words very impatient, drew out his sword, and
+therewith ran Rashcalf through the body, a little under the nipple of his
+left side, whereof he died presently, and pulling back his sword out of his
+body said boldly, So let him perish that shall a faithful servant blame.
+Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touchfaucet's new sword
+and his scabbard so richly diapered with flourishes of most excellent
+workmanship, said, Did they give thee this weapon so feloniously therewith
+to kill before my face my so good friend Rashcalf?  Then immediately
+commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was instantly done, and
+that so cruelly that the chamber was all dyed with blood.  Afterwards he
+appointed the corpse of Rashcalf to be honourably buried, and that of
+Touchfaucet to be cast over the walls into the ditch.
+
+The news of these excessive violences were quickly spread through all the
+army; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, in so far that
+Pinchpenny said to him, My sovereign lord, I know not what the issue of
+this enterprise will be.  I see your men much dejected, and not well
+resolved in their minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided
+of victual, and that our number is already much diminished by three or four
+sallies.  Furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to your
+enemies; but we so moulder away that, if we be once besieged, I do not see
+how we can escape a total destruction.  Tush, pish, said Picrochole, you
+are like the Melun eels, you cry before they come to you.  Let them come,
+let them come, if they dare.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XLVIII.
+
+How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within the rock Clermond, and utterly
+defeated the army of the said Picrochole.
+
+Gargantua had the charge of the whole army, and his father Grangousier
+stayed in his castle, who, encouraging them with good words, promised great
+rewards unto those that should do any notable service.  Having thus set
+forward, as soon as they had gained the pass at the ford of Vede, with
+boats and bridges speedily made they passed over in a trice.  Then
+considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and advantageous
+place, Gargantua thought fit to call his council, and pass that night in
+deliberation upon what was to be done.  But Gymnast said unto him, My
+sovereign lord, such is the nature and complexion of the French, that they
+are worth nothing but at the first push.  Then are they more fierce than
+devils.  But if they linger a little and be wearied with delays, they'll
+prove more faint and remiss than women.  My opinion is, therefore, that now
+presently, after your men have taken breath and some small refection, you
+give order for a resolute assault, and that we storm them instantly.  His
+advice was found very good, and for effectuating thereof he brought forth
+his army into the plain field, and placed the reserves on the skirt or
+rising of a little hill.  The monk took along with him six companies of
+foot and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with great diligence crossed
+the marsh, and valiantly got upon the top of the green hillock even unto
+the highway which leads to Loudun.  Whilst the assault was thus begun,
+Picrochole's men could not tell well what was best, to issue out and
+receive the assailants, or keep within the town and not to stir.  Himself
+in the mean time, without deliberation, sallied forth in a rage with the
+cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received and royally entertained
+with great cannon-shot that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds
+on which the artillery was planted.  Whereupon the Gargantuists betook
+themselves unto the valleys, to give the ordnance leave to play and range
+with the larger scope.
+
+Those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot
+passed over us without doing us any hurt at all.  Some of Picrochole's men
+that had escaped our artillery set most fiercely upon our soldiers, but
+prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and there
+knocked down to the ground, which their fellow-soldiers seeing, they would
+have retreated, but the monk having seized upon the pass by the which they
+were to return, they ran away and fled in all the disorder and confusion
+that could be imagined.
+
+Some would have pursued after them and followed the chase, but the monk
+withheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the pursuers might lose
+their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sally out of the town
+upon them.  Then staying there some space and none coming against him, he
+sent the Duke Phrontist to advise Gargantua to advance towards the hill
+upon the left hand, to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that gate; which
+Gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither four brigades under the
+conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reached the top of the hill, but
+they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him scattered.
+
+Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much endamaged by those
+that were upon the walls, who galled them with all manner of shot, both
+from the great ordnance, small guns, and bows.  Which Gargantua perceiving,
+he went with a strong party to their relief, and with his artillery began
+to thunder so terribly upon that canton of the wall, and so long, that all
+the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was drawn
+thither.  The monk seeing that quarter which he kept besieged void of men
+and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned, did
+most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his men towards the fort, and never
+left it till he had got up upon it, knowing that such as come to the
+reserve in a conflict bring with them always more fear and terror than
+those that deal about them with they hands in the fight.
+
+Nevertheless, he gave no alarm till all his soldiers had got within the
+wall, except the two hundred horsemen, whom he left without to secure his
+entry.  Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were
+with him, and immediately thereafter, without resistance, putting to the
+edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the
+horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the east
+gate, where all the hurlyburly was, and coming close upon them in the rear
+overthrew all their forces.
+
+The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists had won the town upon them, and
+that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves
+unto the mercy of the monk, and asked for quarter, which the monk very
+nobly granted to them, yet made them lay down their arms; then, shutting
+them up within churches, gave order to seize upon all the staves of the
+crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them from coming forth.  Then
+opening that east gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua.  But
+Picrochole, thinking it had been some relief coming to him from the town,
+adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the giving of a most
+desperate home-charge, when Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar John, my friend
+Friar John, you are come in a good hour.  Which unexpected accident so
+affrighted Picrochole and his men, that, giving all for lost, they betook
+themselves to their heels, and fled on all hands.  Gargantua chased them
+till they came near to Vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and then
+sounded the retreat.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.XLIX.
+
+How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what
+Gargantua did after the battle.
+
+Picrochole thus in despair fled towards the Bouchard Island, and in the way
+to Riviere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden was so
+incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his choler;
+then, not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an
+ass at the mill that was thereby; but the miller's men did so baste his
+bones and so soundly bethwack him that they made him both black and blue
+with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave him a scurvy old
+canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness.  Thus went along this poor
+choleric wretch, who, passing the water at Port-Huaulx, and relating his
+misadventurous disasters, was foretold by an old Lourpidon hag that his
+kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the Cocklicranes, which
+she called Coquecigrues.  What is become of him since we cannot certainly
+tell, yet was I told that he is now a porter at Lyons, as testy and pettish
+in humour as ever he was before, and would be always with great lamentation
+inquiring at all strangers of the coming of the Cocklicranes, expecting
+assuredly, according to the old woman's prophecy, that at their coming he
+shall be re-established in his kingdom.  The first thing Gargantua did
+after his return into the town was to call the muster-roll of his men,
+which when he had done, he found that there were very few either killed or
+wounded, only some few foot of Captain Tolmere's company, and Ponocrates,
+who was shot with a musket-ball through the doublet.  Then he caused them
+all at and in their several posts and divisions to take a little
+refreshment, which was very plenteously provided for them in the best drink
+and victuals that could be had for money, and gave order to the treasurers
+and commissaries of the army to pay for and defray that repast, and that
+there should be no outrage at all nor abuse committed in the town, seeing
+it was his own.  And furthermore commanded, that immediately after the
+soldiers had done with eating and drinking for that time sufficiently and
+to their own hearts' desire, a gathering should be beaten for bringing them
+altogether, to be drawn up on the piazza before the castle, there to
+receive six months' pay completely.  All which was done.  After this, by
+his direction, were brought before him in the said place all those that
+remained of Picrochole's party, unto whom, in the presence of the princes,
+nobles, and officers of his court and army, he spoke as followeth.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.L.
+
+Gargantua's speech to the vanquished.
+
+Our forefathers and ancestors of all times have been of this nature and
+disposition, that, upon the winning of a battle, they have chosen rather,
+for a sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, to erect trophies
+and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemency than by
+architecture in the lands which they had conquered.  For they did hold in
+greater estimation the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality
+than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars, and pyramids, subject to the
+injury of storms and tempests, and to the envy of everyone.  You may very
+well remember of the courtesy which by them was used towards the Bretons in
+the battle of St. Aubin of Cormier and at the demolishing of Partenay.  You
+have heard, and hearing admire, their gentle comportment towards those at
+the barriers (the barbarians) of Spaniola, who had plundered, wasted, and
+ransacked the maritime borders of Olone and Thalmondois.  All this
+hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and congratulations
+which yourselves and your fathers made, when Alpharbal, King of Canarre,
+not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the land of
+Onyx, and with cruel piracies molest all the Armoric Islands and confine
+regions of Britany.  Yet was he in a set naval fight justly taken and
+vanquished by my father, whom God preserve and protect.  But what?  Whereas
+other kings and emperors, yea, those who entitle themselves Catholics,
+would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him
+to an extreme high ransom, he entreated him very courteously, lodged him
+kindly with himself in his own palace, and out of his incredible mildness
+and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe conduct, laden with gifts,
+laden with favours, laden with all offices of friendship.  What fell out
+upon it?  Being returned into his country, he called a parliament, where
+all the princes and states of his kingdom being assembled, he showed them
+the humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to take
+such course by way of compensation therein as that the whole world might be
+edified by the example, as well of their honest graciousness to us as of
+our gracious honesty towards them.  The result hereof was, that it was
+voted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should offer up
+entirely their lands, dominions, and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us
+according to our pleasure.
+
+Alpharbal in his own person presently returned with nine thousand and
+thirty-eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not
+only of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all the country besides.
+For he embarking himself, to set sail with a west-north-east wind, everyone
+in heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, jewels, spices, drugs,
+and aromatical perfumes, parrots, pelicans, monkeys, civet-cats,
+black-spotted weasels, porcupines, &c.  He was accounted no good mother's
+son that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had.
+
+Being safely arrived, he came to my said father, and would have kissed his
+feet.  That action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not
+permitted, but in exchange he was most cordially embraced.  He offered his
+presents; they were not received, because they were too excessive:  he
+yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his whole
+posterity should be liable to the same bondage; this was not accepted of,
+because it seemed not equitable:  he surrendered, by virtue of the decree
+of his great parliamentary council, his whole countries and kingdoms to
+him, offering the deed and conveyance, signed, sealed, and ratified by all
+those that were concerned in it; this was altogether refused, and the
+parchments cast into the fire.  In end, this free goodwill and simple
+meaning of the Canarians wrought such tenderness in my father's heart that
+he could not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most profusely; then, by
+choice words very congruously adapted, strove in what he could to diminish
+the estimation of the good offices which he had done them, saying, that any
+courtesy he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush, and what favour
+soever he had showed them he was bound to do it.  But so much the more did
+Alpharbal augment the repute thereof.  What was the issue?  Whereas for his
+ransom, in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing,
+could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand crowns,
+and his eldest sons detained as hostages till that sum had been paid, they
+made themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to give us every year
+two millions of gold at four-and-twenty carats fine.  The first year we
+received the whole sum of two millions; the second year of their own accord
+they paid freely to us three-and-twenty hundred thousand crowns; the third
+year, six-and-twenty hundred thousand; the fourth year, three millions, and
+do so increase it always out of their own goodwill that we shall be
+constrained to forbid them to bring us any more.  This is the nature of
+gratitude and true thankfulness.  For time, which gnaws and diminisheth all
+things else, augments and increaseth benefits; because a noble action of
+liberality, done to a man of reason, doth grow continually by his generous
+thinking of it and remembering it.
+
+Being unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary
+mildness and clemency of my parents, I do now forgive you, deliver you from
+all fines and imprisonments, fully release you, set you at liberty, and
+every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before.  Moreover, at
+your going out of the gate, you shall have every one of you three months'
+pay to bring you home into your houses and families, and shall have a safe
+convoy of six hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand foot under the conduct
+of Alexander, esquire of my body, that the clubmen of the country may not
+do you any injury.  God be with you!  I am sorry from my heart that
+Picrochole is not here; for I would have given him to understand that this
+war was undertaken against my will and without any hope to increase either
+my goods or renown.  But seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell where
+nor how he went away, it is my will that his kingdom remain entire to his
+son; who, because he is too young, he not being yet full five years old,
+shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient princes and learned men
+of the kingdom.  And because a realm thus desolate may easily come to ruin,
+if the covetousness and avarice of those who by their places are obliged to
+administer justice in it be not curbed and restrained, I ordain and will
+have it so, that Ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his
+governors, with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto, and that
+he be continually with the child until he find him able and capable to rule
+and govern by himself.
+
+Now I must tell you, that you are to understand how a too feeble and
+dissolute facility in pardoning evildoers giveth them occasion to commit
+wickedness afterwards more readily, upon this pernicious confidence of
+receiving favour.  I consider that Moses, the meekest man that was in his
+time upon the earth, did severely punish the mutinous and seditious people
+of Israel.  I consider likewise that Julius Caesar, who was so gracious an
+emperor that Cicero said of him that his fortune had nothing more excellent
+than that he could, and his virtue nothing better than that he would always
+save and pardon every man--he, notwithstanding all this, did in certain
+places most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion.  After the example
+of these good men, it is my will and pleasure that you deliver over unto me
+before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow Marquet, who was the prime
+cause, origin, and groundwork of this war by his vain presumption and
+overweening; secondly, his fellow cake-bakers, who were neglective in
+checking and reprehending his idle hairbrained humour in the instant time;
+and lastly, all the councillors, captains, officers, and domestics of
+Picrochole, who had been incendiaries or fomenters of the war by provoking,
+praising, or counselling him to come out of his limits thus to trouble us.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.LI.
+
+How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle.
+
+When Gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men whom he required
+were delivered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, Dirt-tail, and Smalltrash,
+who ran away six hours before the battle--one of them as far as to
+Lainiel-neck at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and the third
+even unto Logroine, without looking back or taking breath by the way--and
+two of the cake-bakers who were slain in the fight.  Gargantua did them no
+other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the presses of his
+printing-house which he had newly set up.  Then those who died there he
+caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile valley and Burn-hag field, and
+gave order that the wounded should be dressed and had care of in his great
+hospital or nosocome.  After this, considering the great prejudice done to
+the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges and repaired all
+the losses that by their confession upon oath could appear they had
+sustained; and, for their better defence and security in times coming
+against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be
+built there with a competent garrison to maintain it.  At his departure he
+did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades that had been at
+this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter-quarters in their several
+stations and garrisons; the decumane legion only excepted, whom in the field
+on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their captains also, whom he
+brought along with himself unto Grangousier.
+
+At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not
+possible fully to describe it.  He made them a feast the most magnificent,
+plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the king
+Ahasuerus.  At the taking up of the table he distributed amongst them his
+whole cupboard of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand and fourteen
+bezants (Each bezant is worth five pounds English money.) of gold, in great
+antique vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, goblets,
+candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massy gold,
+besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, which by all
+men's estimation was more worth than the matter of the gold.  Then unto
+every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given the sum of
+twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money.  And, further, he gave to each
+of them for ever and in perpetuity, unless he should happen to decease
+without heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands of his as were most
+commodious for them.  To Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to Gymnast,
+the Coudray; to Eudemon, Montpensier; Rivau, to Tolmere, to Ithibolle,
+Montsoreau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chironacte; Gravot, to Sebast;
+Quinquenais, to Alexander; Legre, to Sophrone, and so of his other places.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.LII.
+
+How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme.
+
+There was left only the monk to provide for, whom Gargantua would have made
+Abbot of Seville, but he refused it.  He would have given him the Abbey of
+Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent, which was better, or both, if it pleased
+him; but the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never
+take upon him the charge nor government of monks.  For how shall I be able,
+said he, to rule over others, that have not full power and command of
+myself?  If you think I have done you, or may hereafter do any acceptable
+service, give me leave to found an abbey after my own mind and fancy.  The
+motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the
+country of Theleme by the river of Loire till within two leagues of the
+great forest of Port-Huaulx.  The monk then requested Gargantua to
+institute his religious order contrary to all others.  First, then, said
+Gargantua, you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other
+abbeys are strongly walled and mured about.  See, said the monk, and not
+without cause (seeing wall and mur signify but one and the same thing);
+where there is mur before and mur behind, there is store of murmur, envy,
+and mutual conspiracy.  Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the
+world whereof the custom is, if any woman come in, I mean chaste and honest
+women, they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon;
+therefore was it ordained, that if any man or woman entered into religious
+orders should by chance come within this new abbey, all the rooms should be
+thoroughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed.  And because
+in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, and
+regulated by hours, it was decreed that in this new structure there should
+be neither clock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities and
+incident occasions all their hours should be disposed of; for, said
+Gargantua, the greatest loss of time that I know is to count the hours.
+What good comes of it?  Nor can there be any greater dotage in the world
+than for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and
+not by his own judgment and discretion.
+
+Item, Because at that time they put no women into nunneries but such as
+were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-favoured, misshapen,
+fools, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered any men but those
+that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, ill-bred louts, simple
+sots, or peevish trouble-houses.  But to the purpose, said the monk.  A
+woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she?  To make a nun
+of, said Gargantua.  Yea, said the monk, and to make shirts and smocks.
+Therefore was it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted
+no women that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet disposition; nor
+men that were not comely, personable, and well conditioned.
+
+Item, Because in the convents of women men come not but underhand, privily,
+and by stealth, it was therefore enacted that in this house there shall be
+no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women.
+
+Item, Because both men and women that are received into religious orders
+after the expiring of their noviciate or probation year were constrained
+and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life, it was
+therefore ordered that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this
+abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment
+whensoever it should seem good to them so to do.
+
+Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three vows,
+to wit, those of chastity, poverty, and obedience, it was therefore
+constituted and appointed that in this convent they might be honourably
+married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty.  In regard of the
+legitimate time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above
+which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted
+from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till eighteen.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.LIII.
+
+How the abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed.
+
+For the fabric and furniture of the abbey Gargantua caused to be delivered
+out in ready money seven-and-twenty hundred thousand, eight hundred and
+one-and-thirty of those golden rams of Berry which have a sheep stamped on
+the one side and a flowered cross on the other; and for every year, until
+the whole work were completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand crowns
+of the sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged all upon the
+receipt of the custom.  For the foundation and maintenance thereof for
+ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three-and-twenty hundred,
+three score and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles,
+exempted from all homage, fealty, service, or burden whatsoever, and
+payable every year at the gate of the abbey; and of this by letters patent
+passed a very good grant.  The architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and
+in such a fashion that in every one of the six corners there was built a
+great round tower of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of a like
+form and bigness.  Upon the north side ran along the river of Loire, on the
+bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic.  Going towards the east,
+there was another called Calaer,--the next following Anatole,--the next
+Mesembrine,--the next Hesperia, and the last Criere.  Every tower was
+distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces.  The whole
+edifice was everywhere six storeys high, reckoning the cellars underground
+for one.  The second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle; the
+rest were ceiled with pure wainscot, flourished with Flanders fretwork, in
+the form of the foot of a lamp, and covered above with fine slates, with an
+endorsement of lead, carrying the antique figures of little puppets and
+animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and gilt,
+together with the gutters, which, jutting without the walls from betwixt
+the crossbars in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azure, reached to
+the very ground, where they ended into great conduit-pipes, which carried
+all away unto the river from under the house.
+
+This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than
+ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg, or Chantilly; for there were in it nine
+thousand, three hundred and two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereof had
+a withdrawing-room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat
+passage, leading into a great and spacious hall.  Between every tower in
+the midst of the said body of building there was a pair of winding, such as
+we now call lantern stairs, whereof the steps were part of porphyry, which
+is a dark red marble spotted with white, part of Numidian stone, which is a
+kind of yellowishly-streaked marble upon various colours, and part of
+serpentine marble, with light spots on a dark green ground, each of those
+steps being two-and-twenty foot in length and three fingers thick, and the
+just number of twelve betwixt every rest, or, as we now term it,
+landing-place.  In every resting-place were two fair antique arches where
+the light came in:  and by those they went into a cabinet, made even with
+and of the breadth of the said winding, and the reascending above the roofs
+of the house ended conically in a pavilion.  By that vise or winding they
+entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the
+chambers. From the Arctic tower unto the Criere were the fair great
+libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Italian, and Spanish,
+respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the
+diversity of these languages.  In the midst there was a wonderful scalier or
+winding-stair, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch
+six fathom broad.  It was made in such symmetry and largeness that six
+men-at-arms with their lances in their rests might together in a breast ride
+all up to the very top of all the palace.  From the tower Anatole to the
+Mesembrine were fair spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with
+the ancient prowesses, histories, and descriptions of the world.  In the
+midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate as we said
+there was on the river-side.  Upon that gate was written in great antique
+letters that which followeth.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.LIV.
+
+The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme.
+
+Here enter not vile bigots, hypocrites,
+Externally devoted apes, base snites,
+Puffed-up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the Huns,
+Or Ostrogoths, forerunners of baboons:
+Cursed snakes, dissembled varlets, seeming sancts,
+Slipshod caffards, beggars pretending wants,
+Fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish gulls,
+Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls,
+Fomenters of divisions and debates,
+Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits.
+
+  Your filthy trumperies
+  Stuffed with pernicious lies
+    (Not worth a bubble),
+    Would do but trouble
+  Our earthly paradise,
+  Your filthy trumperies.
+
+Here enter not attorneys, barristers,
+Nor bridle-champing law-practitioners:
+Clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees,
+Wilful disturbers of the people's ease:
+Judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath,
+Of honest men, like dogs, even unto death.
+Your salary is at the gibbet-foot:
+Go drink there! for we do not here fly out
+On those excessive courses, which may draw
+A waiting on your courts by suits in law.
+
+  Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling
+  Hence are exiled, and jangling.
+    Here we are very
+    Frolic and merry,
+  And free from all entangling,
+  Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling.
+
+Here enter not base pinching usurers,
+Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers,
+Gold-graspers, coin-gripers, gulpers of mists,
+Niggish deformed sots, who, though your chests
+Vast sums of money should to you afford,
+Would ne'ertheless add more unto that hoard,
+And yet not be content,--you clunchfist dastards,
+Insatiable fiends, and Pluto's bastards,
+Greedy devourers, chichy sneakbill rogues,
+Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you ravenous dogs.
+
+  You beastly-looking fellows,
+  Reason doth plainly tell us
+    That we should not
+    To you allot
+  Room here, but at the gallows,
+  You beastly-looking fellows.
+
+Here enter not fond makers of demurs
+In love adventures, peevish, jealous curs,
+Sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboils,
+Hags, goblins, ghosts, firebrands of household broils,
+Nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, clowns,
+Thieves, cannibals, faces o'ercast with frowns,
+Nor lazy slugs, envious, covetous,
+Nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous,--
+Here mangy, pocky folks shall have no place,
+No ugly lusks, nor persons of disgrace.
+
+  Grace, honour, praise, delight,
+  Here sojourn day and night.
+    Sound bodies lined
+    With a good mind,
+  Do here pursue with might
+  Grace, honour, praise, delight.
+
+Here enter you, and welcome from our hearts,
+All noble sparks, endowed with gallant parts.
+This is the glorious place, which bravely shall
+Afford wherewith to entertain you all.
+Were you a thousand, here you shall not want
+For anything; for what you'll ask we'll grant.
+Stay here, you lively, jovial, handsome, brisk,
+Gay, witty, frolic, cheerful, merry, frisk,
+Spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of trades,
+And, in a word, all worthy gentle blades.
+
+  Blades of heroic breasts
+  Shall taste here of the feasts,
+    Both privily
+    And civilly
+  Of the celestial guests,
+  Blades of heroic breasts.
+
+Here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true
+Expounders of the Scriptures old and new.
+Whose glosses do not blind our reason, but
+Make it to see the clearer, and who shut
+Its passages from hatred, avarice,
+Pride, factions, covenants, and all sort of vice.
+Come, settle here a charitable faith,
+Which neighbourly affection nourisheth.
+And whose light chaseth all corrupters hence,
+Of the blest word, from the aforesaid sense.
+
+  The holy sacred Word,
+  May it always afford
+    T' us all in common,
+    Both man and woman,
+  A spiritual shield and sword,
+  The holy sacred Word.
+
+Here enter you all ladies of high birth,
+Delicious, stately, charming, full of mirth,
+Ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, fair,
+Magnetic, graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare,
+Obliging, sprightly, virtuous, young, solacious,
+Kind, neat, quick, feat, bright, compt, ripe, choice, dear, precious.
+Alluring, courtly, comely, fine, complete,
+Wise, personable, ravishing, and sweet,
+Come joys enjoy.  The Lord celestial
+Hath given enough wherewith to please us all.
+
+  Gold give us, God forgive us,
+  And from all woes relieve us;
+    That we the treasure
+    May reap of pleasure,
+  And shun whate'er is grievous,
+  Gold give us, God forgive us.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.LV.
+
+What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had.
+
+In the middle of the lower court there was a stately fountain of fair
+alabaster.  Upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their
+cornucopias, or horns of abundance, and did jet out the water at their
+breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages of the body.  The
+inside of the buildings in this lower court stood upon great pillars of
+chalcedony stone and porphyry marble made archways after a goodly antique
+fashion.  Within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned
+with curious pictures, the horns of bucks and unicorns:  with rhinoceroses,
+water-horses called hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of elephants, and
+other things well worth the beholding.  The lodging of the ladies, for so
+we may call those gallant women, took up all from the tower Arctic unto the
+gate Mesembrine.  The men possessed the rest.  Before the said lodging of
+the ladies, that they might have their recreation, between the two first
+towers, on the outside, were placed the tiltyard, the barriers or lists for
+tournaments, the hippodrome or riding-court, the theatre or public
+playhouse, and natatory or place to swim in, with most admirable baths in
+three stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all necessary
+accommodation, and store of myrtle-water.  By the river-side was the fair
+garden of pleasure, and in the midst of that the glorious labyrinth.
+Between the two other towers were the courts for the tennis and the
+balloon.  Towards the tower Criere stood the orchard full of all
+fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order.  At the end of that was
+the great park, abounding with all sort of venison.  Betwixt the third
+couple of towers were the butts and marks for shooting with a snapwork gun,
+an ordinary bow for common archery, or with a crossbow.  The office-houses
+were without the tower Hesperia, of one storey high.  The stables were
+beyond the offices, and before them stood the falconry, managed by
+ostrich-keepers and falconers very expert in the art, and it was yearly
+supplied and furnished by the Candians, Venetians, Sarmates, now called
+Muscoviters, with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, gerfalcons,
+goshawks, sacres, lanners, falcons, sparrowhawks, marlins, and other kinds
+of them, so gentle and perfectly well manned, that, flying of themselves
+sometimes from the castle for their own disport, they would not fail to
+catch whatever they encountered.  The venery, where the beagles and hounds
+were kept, was a little farther off, drawing towards the park.
+
+All the halls, chambers, and closets or cabinets were richly hung with
+tapestry and hangings of divers sorts, according to the variety of the
+seasons of the year.  All the pavements and floors were covered with green
+cloth.  The beds were all embroidered.  In every back-chamber or
+withdrawing-room there was a looking-glass of pure crystal set in a frame
+of fine gold, garnished all about with pearls, and was of such greatness
+that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of
+the person that stood before it.  At the going out of the halls which
+belong to the ladies' lodgings were the perfumers and trimmers through
+whose hands the gallants passed when they were to visit the ladies.  Those
+sweet artificers did every morning furnish the ladies' chambers with the
+spirit of roses, orange-flower-water, and angelica; and to each of them
+gave a little precious casket vapouring forth the most odoriferous
+exhalations of the choicest aromatical scents.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.LVI.
+
+How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme were apparelled.
+
+The ladies at the foundation of this order were apparelled after their own
+pleasure and liking; but, since that of their own accord and free will they
+have reformed themselves, their accoutrement is in manner as followeth.
+They wore stockings of scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple dye, which
+reached just three inches above the knee, having a list beautified with
+exquisite embroideries and rare incisions of the cutter's art.  Their
+garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the knee a
+little both over and under.  Their shoes, pumps, and slippers were either
+of red, violet, or crimson-velvet, pinked and jagged like lobster waddles.
+
+Next to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or vasquin of pure silk
+camlet:  above that went the taffety or tabby farthingale, of white, red,
+tawny, grey, or of any other colour.  Above this taffety petticoat they had
+another of cloth of tissue or brocade, embroidered with fine gold and
+interlaced with needlework, or as they thought good, and according to the
+temperature and disposition of the weather had their upper coats of satin,
+damask, or velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash-coloured,
+blue, yellow, bright red, crimson, or white, and so forth; or had them of
+cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice stuff, enriched with
+purl, or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival days and
+times wherein they wore them.
+
+Their gowns, being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth
+of gold frizzled with a silver-raised work; of red satin, covered with gold
+purl; of tabby, or taffety, white, blue, black, tawny, &c., of silk serge,
+silk camlet, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of gold, gold
+wire, figured velvet, or figured satin tinselled and overcast with golden
+threads, in divers variously purfled draughts.
+
+In the summer some days instead of gowns they wore light handsome mantles,
+made either of the stuff of the aforesaid attire, or like Moresco rugs, of
+violet velvet frizzled, with a raised work of gold upon silver purl, or
+with a knotted cord-work of gold embroidery, everywhere garnished with
+little Indian pearls.  They always carried a fair panache, or plume of
+feathers, of the colour of their muff, bravely adorned and tricked out with
+glistering spangles of gold.  In the winter time they had their taffety
+gowns of all colours, as above-named, and those lined with the rich
+furrings of hind-wolves, or speckled lynxes, black-spotted weasels, martlet
+skins of Calabria, sables, and other costly furs of an inestimable value.
+Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets, and neck-chains were all
+of precious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, diamonds,
+sapphires, emeralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryls, and excellent
+margarites.  Their head-dressing also varied with the season of the year,
+according to which they decked themselves.  In winter it was of the French
+fashion; in the spring, of the Spanish; in summer, of the fashion of
+Tuscany, except only upon the holy days and Sundays, at which times they
+were accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more
+honourable and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity.
+
+The men were apparelled after their fashion.  Their stockings were of
+tamine or of cloth serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some other ingrained
+colour.  Their breeches were of velvet, of the same colour with their
+stockings, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their fancy.
+Their doublet was of cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, satin,
+damask, taffeties, &c., of the same colours, cut, embroidered, and suitably
+trimmed up in perfection.  The points were of silk of the same colours; the
+tags were of gold well enamelled.  Their coats and jerkins were of cloth of
+gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or velvet embroidered, as they thought
+fit.  Their gowns were every whit as costly as those of the ladies.  Their
+girdles were of silks, of the colour of their doublets.  Every one had a
+gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof were gilt, and the
+scabbard of velvet, of the colour of his breeches, with a chape of gold,
+and pure goldsmith's work.  The dagger was of the same.  Their caps or
+bonnets were of black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons of gold.
+Upon that they wore a white plume, most prettily and minion-like parted by
+so many rows of gold spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more
+sparkling resplendency fair rubies, emeralds, diamonds, &c., but there was
+such a sympathy betwixt the gallants and the ladies, that every day they
+were apparelled in the same livery.  And that they might not miss, there
+were certain gentlemen appointed to tell the youths every morning what
+vestments the ladies would on that day wear:  for all was done according to
+the pleasure of the ladies.  In these so handsome clothes, and habiliments
+so rich, think not that either one or other of either sex did waste any
+time at all; for the masters of the wardrobes had all their raiments and
+apparel so ready for every morning, and the chamber-ladies so well skilled,
+that in a trice they would be dressed and completely in their clothes from
+head to foot.  And to have those accoutrements with the more conveniency,
+there was about the wood of Theleme a row of houses of the extent of half a
+league, very neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt the goldsmiths, lapidaries,
+jewellers, embroiderers, tailors, gold-drawers, velvet-weavers,
+tapestry-makers and upholsterers, who wrought there every one in his own
+trade, and all for the aforesaid jolly friars and nuns of the new stamp.
+They were furnished with matter and stuff from the hands of the Lord
+Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven ships from the Perlas and
+Cannibal Islands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearls and
+precious stones. And if any margarites, called unions, began to grow old and
+lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre, those with their art
+they did renew by tendering them to eat to some pretty cocks, as they use to
+give casting unto hawks.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.LVII.
+
+How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living.
+
+All their life was spent not in laws, statutes, or rules, but according to
+their own free will and pleasure.  They rose out of their beds when they
+thought good; they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a mind to
+it and were disposed for it.  None did awake them, none did offer to
+constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had
+Gargantua established it.  In all their rule and strictest tie of their
+order there was but this one clause to be observed,
+
+Do What Thou Wilt;
+
+because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest
+companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto
+virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour.
+Those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought
+under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition by which they
+formerly were inclined to virtue, to shake off and break that bond of
+servitude wherein they are so tyrannously enslaved; for it is agreeable
+with the nature of man to long after things forbidden and to desire what is
+denied us.
+
+By this liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation to do all of
+them what they saw did please one.  If any of the gallants or ladies should
+say, Let us drink, they would all drink.  If any one of them said, Let us
+play, they all played.  If one said, Let us go a-walking into the fields
+they went all.  If it were to go a-hawking or a-hunting, the ladies mounted
+upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a stately palfrey saddle, carried on
+their lovely fists, miniardly begloved every one of them, either a
+sparrowhawk or a laneret or a marlin, and the young gallants carried the
+other kinds of hawks.  So nobly were they taught, that there was neither he
+nor she amongst them but could read, write, sing, play upon several musical
+instruments, speak five or six several languages, and compose in them all
+very quaintly, both in verse and prose.  Never were seen so valiant
+knights, so noble and worthy, so dexterous and skilful both on foot and
+a-horse-back, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or better
+handling all manner of weapons than were there.  Never were seen ladies so
+proper and handsome, so miniard and dainty, less froward, or more ready
+with their hand and with their needle in every honest and free action
+belonging to that sex, than were there.  For this reason, when the time
+came that any man of the said abbey, either at the request of his parents,
+or for some other cause, had a mind to go out of it, he carried along with
+him one of the ladies, namely, her whom he had before that chosen for his
+mistress, and (they) were married together.  And if they had formerly in
+Theleme lived in good devotion and amity, they did continue therein and
+increase it to a greater height in their state of matrimony; and did
+entertain that mutual love till the very last day of their life, in no less
+vigour and fervency than at the very day of their wedding.  Here must not I
+forget to set down unto you a riddle which was found under the ground as
+they were laying the foundation of the abbey, engraven in a copper plate,
+and it was thus as followeth.
+
+
+
+Chapter 1.LVIII.
+
+A prophetical Riddle.
+
+Poor mortals, who wait for a happy day,
+Cheer up your hearts, and hear what I shall say:
+If it be lawful firmly to believe
+That the celestial bodies can us give
+Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet;
+Or if from heaven such wisdom we may get
+As may with confidence make us discourse
+Of years to come, their destiny and course;
+I to my hearers give to understand
+That this next winter, though it be at hand,
+Yea and before, there shall appear a race
+Of men who, loth to sit still in one place,
+Shall boldly go before all people's eyes,
+Suborning men of divers qualities
+To draw them unto covenants and sides,
+In such a manner that, whate'er betides,
+They'll move you, if you give them ear, no doubt,
+With both your friends and kindred to fall out.
+They'll make a vassal to gain-stand his lord,
+And children their own parents; in a word,
+All reverence shall then be banished,
+No true respect to other shall be had.
+They'll say that every man should have his turn,
+Both in his going forth and his return;
+And hereupon there shall arise such woes,
+Such jarrings, and confused to's and fro's,
+That never were in history such coils
+Set down as yet, such tumults and garboils.
+Then shall you many gallant men see by
+Valour stirr'd up, and youthful fervency,
+Who, trusting too much in their hopeful time,
+Live but a while, and perish in their prime.
+Neither shall any, who this course shall run,
+Leave off the race which he hath once begun,
+Till they the heavens with noise by their contention
+Have fill'd, and with their steps the earth's dimension.
+Then those shall have no less authority,
+That have no faith, than those that will not lie;
+For all shall be governed by a rude,
+Base, ignorant, and foolish multitude;
+The veriest lout of all shall be their judge,
+O horrible and dangerous deluge!
+Deluge I call it, and that for good reason,
+For this shall be omitted in no season;
+Nor shall the earth of this foul stir be free,
+Till suddenly you in great store shall see
+The waters issue out, with whose streams the
+Most moderate of all shall moistened be,
+And justly too; because they did not spare
+The flocks of beasts that innocentest are,
+But did their sinews and their bowels take,
+Not to the gods a sacrifice to make,
+But usually to serve themselves for sport:
+And now consider, I do you exhort,
+In such commotions so continual,
+What rest can take the globe terrestrial?
+Most happy then are they, that can it hold,
+And use it carefully as precious gold,
+By keeping it in gaol, whence it shall have
+No help but him who being to it gave.
+And to increase his mournful accident,
+The sun, before it set in th' occident,
+Shall cease to dart upon it any light,
+More than in an eclipse, or in the night,--
+So that at once its favour shall be gone,
+And liberty with it be left alone.
+And yet, before it come to ruin thus,
+Its quaking shall be as impetuous
+As Aetna's was when Titan's sons lay under,
+And yield, when lost, a fearful sound like thunder.
+Inarime did not more quickly move,
+When Typheus did the vast huge hills remove,
+And for despite into the sea them threw.
+  Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few,
+And changed suddenly, when those that have it
+To other men that after come shall leave it.
+Then shall it be high time to cease from this
+So long, so great, so tedious exercise;
+For the great waters told you now by me,
+Will make each think where his retreat shall be;
+And yet, before that they be clean disperst,
+You may behold in th' air, where nought was erst,
+The burning heat of a great flame to rise,
+Lick up the water, and the enterprise.
+  It resteth after those things to declare,
+That those shall sit content who chosen are,
+With all good things, and with celestial man (ne,)
+And richly recompensed every man:
+The others at the last all stripp'd shall be,
+That after this great work all men may see,
+How each shall have his due.  This is their lot;
+O he is worthy praise that shrinketh not!
+
+No sooner was this enigmatical monument read over, but Gargantua, fetching
+a very deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, It is not now only, I
+perceive, that people called to the faith of the gospel, and convinced with
+the certainty of evangelical truths, are persecuted.  But happy is that man
+that shall not be scandalized, but shall always continue to the end in
+aiming at that mark which God by his dear Son hath set before us, without
+being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved nature.
+
+The monk then said, What do you think in your conscience is meant and
+signified by this riddle?  What? said Gargantua,--the progress and carrying
+on of the divine truth.  By St. Goderan, said the monk, that is not my
+exposition.  It is the style of the prophet Merlin.  Make upon it as many
+grave allegories and glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and the rest
+of the world as long as you please; for my part, I can conceive no other
+meaning in it but a description of a set at tennis in dark and obscure
+terms.  The suborners of men are the makers of matches, which are commonly
+friends.  After the two chases are made, he that was in the upper end of
+the tennis-court goeth out, and the other cometh in.  They believe the
+first that saith the ball was over or under the line.  The waters are the
+heats that the players take till they sweat again.  The cords of the
+rackets are made of the guts of sheep or goats.  The globe terrestrial is
+the tennis-ball.  After playing, when the game is done, they refresh
+themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts; and very willingly
+they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that have gained.  And so,
+farewell!
+
+
+End book 1
+
+
+THE SECOND BOOK.
+
+
+
+For the Reader.
+
+The Reader here may be pleased to take notice that the copy of verses by
+the title of 'Rablophila', premised to the first book of this translation,
+being but a kind of mock poem, in imitation of somewhat lately published
+(as to any indifferent observer will easily appear, by the false quantities
+in the Latin, the abusive strain of the English, and extravagant
+subscription to both), and as such, by a friend of the translator's, at the
+desire of some frolic gentlemen of his acquaintance, more for a trial of
+skill than prejudicacy to any, composed in his jollity to please their
+fancies, was only ordained to be prefixed to a dozen of books, and no more,
+thereby to save the labour of transcribing so many as were requisite for
+satisfying the curiosity of a company of just that number; and that,
+therefore, the charging of the whole impression with it is merely to be
+imputed to the negligence of the pressmen, who, receiving it about the
+latter end of the night, were so eager before the next morning to afford
+complete books, that, as they began, they went on, without animadverting
+what was recommended to their discretion.  This is hoped will suffice to
+assure the ingenuous Reader that in no treatise of the translator's,
+whether original or translatitious, shall willingly be offered the meanest
+rub to the reputation of any worthy gentleman, and that, however providence
+dispose of him, no misfortune shall be able to induce his mind to any
+complacency in the disparagement of another.
+
+Again.
+
+The Pentateuch of Rabelais mentioned in the title-page of the first book of
+this translation being written originally in the French tongue (as it
+comprehendeth some of its brusquest dialects), with so much ingeniosity and
+wit, that more impressions have been sold thereof in that language than of
+any other book that hath been set forth at any time within these fifteen
+hundred years; so difficult nevertheless to be turned into any other speech
+that many prime spirits in most of the nations of Europe, since the year
+1573, which was fourscore years ago, after having attempted it, were
+constrained with no small regret to give it over as a thing impossible to
+be done, is now in its translation thus far advanced, and the remainder
+faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be rendered into English by a
+person of quality, who (though his lands be sequestered, his house
+garrisoned, his other goods sold, and himself detained a prisoner of war at
+London, for his having been at Worcester fight) hath, at the most earnest
+entreaty of some of his especial friends well acquainted with his
+inclination to the performance of conducible singularities, promised,
+besides his version of these two already published, very speedily to offer
+up unto this Isle of Britain the virginity of the translation of the other
+three most admirable books of the aforesaid author; provided that by the
+plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not declared he hath
+already proceeded too far, or that the continuation of the rigour whereby
+he is dispossessed of all his both real and personal estate, by pressing
+too hard upon him, be not an impediment thereto, and to other more eminent
+undertakings of his, as hath been oftentimes very fully mentioned by the
+said translator in several original treatises of his own penning, lately by
+him so numerously dispersed that there is scarce any, who being skilful in
+the English idiom, or curious of any new ingenious invention, hath not
+either read them or heard of them.
+
+
+
+Mr. Hugh Salel to Rabelais.
+
+If profit mixed with pleasure may suffice
+T' extol an author's worth above the skies,
+Thou certainly for both must praised be:
+I know it; for thy judgment hath in the
+Contexture of this book set down such high
+Contentments, mingled with utility,
+That (as I think) I see Democritus
+Laughing at men as things ridiculous.
+    Insist in thy design; for, though we prove
+    Ungrate on earth, thy merit is above.
+
+
+
+The Author's Prologue.
+
+Most illustrious and thrice valorous champions, gentlemen and others, who
+willingly apply your minds to the entertainment of pretty conceits and
+honest harmless knacks of wit; you have not long ago seen, read, and
+understood the great and inestimable Chronicle of the huge and mighty giant
+Gargantua, and, like upright faithfullists, have firmly believed all to be
+true that is contained in them, and have very often passed your time with
+them amongst honourable ladies and gentlewomen, telling them fair long
+stories, when you were out of all other talk, for which you are worthy of
+great praise and sempiternal memory.  And I do heartily wish that every man
+would lay aside his own business, meddle no more with his profession nor
+trade, and throw all affairs concerning himself behind his back, to attend
+this wholly, without distracting or troubling his mind with anything else,
+until he have learned them without book; that if by chance the art of
+printing should cease, or in case that in time to come all books should
+perish, every man might truly teach them unto his children, and deliver
+them over to his successors and survivors from hand to hand as a religious
+cabal; for there is in it more profit than a rabble of great pocky
+loggerheads are able to discern, who surely understand far less in these
+little merriments than the fool Raclet did in the Institutions of
+Justinian.
+
+I have known great and mighty lords, and of those not a few, who, going
+a-deer-hunting, or a-hawking after wild ducks, when the chase had not
+encountered with the blinks that were cast in her way to retard her course,
+or that the hawk did but plain and smoothly fly without moving her wings,
+perceiving the prey by force of flight to have gained bounds of her, have
+been much chafed and vexed, as you understand well enough; but the comfort
+unto which they had refuge, and that they might not take cold, was to
+relate the inestimable deeds of the said Gargantua.  There are others in
+the world--these are no flimflam stories, nor tales of a tub--who, being
+much troubled with the toothache, after they had spent their goods upon
+physicians without receiving at all any ease of their pain, have found no
+more ready remedy than to put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of
+linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so apply them to the place that
+smarteth, sinapizing them with a little powder of projection, otherwise
+called doribus.
+
+But what shall I say of those poor men that are plagued with the pox and
+the gout?  O how often have we seen them, even immediately after they were
+anointed and thoroughly greased, till their faces did glister like the
+keyhole of a powdering tub, their teeth dance like the jacks of a pair of
+little organs or virginals when they are played upon, and that they foamed
+from their very throats like a boar which the mongrel mastiff-hounds have
+driven in and overthrown amongst the toils,--what did they then?  All their
+consolation was to have some page of the said jolly book read unto them.
+And we have seen those who have given themselves to a hundred puncheons of
+old devils, in case that they did not feel a manifest ease and assuagement
+of pain at the hearing of the said book read, even when they were kept in a
+purgatory of torment; no more nor less than women in travail use to find
+their sorrow abated when the life of St. Margaret is read unto them.  Is
+this nothing?  Find me a book in any language, in any faculty or science
+whatsoever, that hath such virtues, properties, and prerogatives, and I
+will be content to pay you a quart of tripes.  No, my masters, no; it is
+peerless, incomparable, and not to be matched; and this am I resolved for
+ever to maintain even unto the fire exclusive.  And those that will
+pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted abusers,
+predestinators, impostors, and seducers of the people.  It is very true
+that there are found in some gallant and stately books, worthy of high
+estimation, certain occult and hid properties; in the number of which are
+reckoned Whippot, Orlando Furioso, Robert the Devil, Fierabras, William
+without Fear, Huon of Bordeaux, Monteville, and Matabrune: but they are not
+comparable to that which we speak of, and the world hath well known by
+infallible experience the great emolument and utility which it hath
+received by this Gargantuine Chronicle, for the printers have sold more of
+them in two months' time than there will be bought of Bibles in nine years.
+
+I therefore, your humble slave, being very willing to increase your solace
+and recreation yet a little more, do offer you for a present another book
+of the same stamp, only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of
+credit than the other was.  For think not, unless you wilfully will err
+against your knowledge, that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law.  I
+was not born under such a planet, neither did it ever befall me to lie, or
+affirm a thing for true that was not.  I speak of it like a lusty frolic
+onocrotary (Onocratal is a bird not much unlike a swan, which sings like an
+ass's braying.), I should say crotenotary (Crotenotaire or notaire crotte,
+croquenotaire or notaire croque are but allusions in derision of
+protonotaire, which signifieth a pregnotary.) of the martyrized lovers, and
+croquenotary of love.  Quod vidimus, testamur.  It is of the horrible and
+dreadful feats and prowesses of Pantagruel, whose menial servant I have
+been ever since I was a page, till this hour that by his leave I am
+permitted to visit my cow-country, and to know if any of my kindred there
+be alive.
+
+And therefore, to make an end of this Prologue, even as I give myself to a
+hundred panniersful of fair devils, body and soul, tripes and guts, in case
+that I lie so much as one single word in this whole history; after the like
+manner, St. Anthony's fire burn you, Mahoom's disease whirl you, the
+squinance with a stitch in your side and the wolf in your stomach truss
+you, the bloody flux seize upon you, the cursed sharp inflammations of
+wild-fire, as slender and thin as cow's hair strengthened with quicksilver,
+enter into your fundament, and, like those of Sodom and Gomorrah, may you
+fall into sulphur, fire, and bottomless pits, in case you do not firmly
+believe all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE SECOND BOOK.
+
+
+Chapter 2.I.
+
+Of the original and antiquity of the great Pantagruel.
+
+It will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at leisure, to
+put you in mind of the fountain and original source whence is derived unto
+us the good Pantagruel.  For I see that all good historiographers have thus
+handled their chronicles, not only the Arabians, Barbarians, and Latins,
+but also the gentle Greeks, who were eternal drinkers.  You must therefore
+remark that at the beginning of the world--I speak of a long time; it is
+above forty quarantains, or forty times forty nights, according to the
+supputation of the ancient Druids--a little after that Abel was killed by
+his brother Cain, the earth, imbrued with the blood of the just, was one
+year so exceeding fertile in all those fruits which it usually produceth to
+us, and especially in medlars, that ever since throughout all ages it hath
+been called the year of the great medlars; for three of them did fill a
+bushel.  In it the kalends were found by the Grecian almanacks.  There was
+that year nothing of the month of March in the time of Lent, and the middle
+of August was in May.  In the month of October, as I take it, or at least
+September, that I may not err, for I will carefully take heed of that, was
+the week so famous in the annals, which they call the week of the three
+Thursdays; for it had three of them by means of their irregular leap-years,
+called Bissextiles, occasioned by the sun's having tripped and stumbled a
+little towards the left hand, like a debtor afraid of sergeants, coming
+right upon him to arrest him:  and the moon varied from her course above
+five fathom, and there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the
+firmament of the fixed stars, called Aplanes, so that the middle Pleiade,
+leaving her fellows, declined towards the equinoctial, and the star named
+Spica left the constellation of the Virgin to withdraw herself towards the
+Balance, known by the name of Libra, which are cases very terrible, and
+matters so hard and difficult that astrologians cannot set their teeth in
+them; and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have
+reached thither.
+
+However, account you it for a truth that everybody then did most heartily
+eat of these medlars, for they were fair to the eye and in taste delicious.
+But even as Noah, that holy man, to whom we are so much beholding, bound,
+and obliged, for that he planted to us the vine, from whence we have that
+nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joyful, and deific liquor which
+they call the piot or tiplage, was deceived in the drinking of it, for he
+was ignorant of the great virtue and power thereof; so likewise the men and
+women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great fruit,
+but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell
+upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling, but not upon all in
+the same place, for some were swollen in the belly, and their belly
+strouted out big like a great tun, of whom it is written, Ventrem
+omnipotentem, who were all very honest men, and merry blades.  And of this
+race came St. Fatgulch and Shrove Tuesday (Pansart, Mardigras.).  Others
+did swell at the shoulders, who in that place were so crump and knobby that
+they were therefore called Montifers, which is as much to say as
+Hill-carriers, of whom you see some yet in the world, of divers sexes and
+degrees.  Of this race came Aesop, some of whose excellent words and deeds
+you have in writing.  Some other puffs did swell in length by the member
+which they call the labourer of nature, in such sort that it grew
+marvellous long, fat, great, lusty, stirring, and crest-risen, in the
+antique fashion, so that they made use of it as of a girdle, winding it
+five or six times about their waist:  but if it happened the foresaid
+member to be in good case, spooming with a full sail bunt fair before the
+wind, then to have seen those strouting champions, you would have taken
+them for men that had their lances settled on their rest to run at the ring
+or tilting whintam (quintain).  Of these, believe me, the race is utterly
+lost and quite extinct, as the women say; for they do lament continually
+that there are none extant now of those great, &c.  You know the rest of
+the song.  Others did grow in matter of ballocks so enormously that three
+of them would well fill a sack able to contain five quarters of wheat.
+From them are descended the ballocks of Lorraine, which never dwell in
+codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the breeches.  Others grew in the
+legs, and to see them you would have said they had been cranes, or the
+reddish-long-billed-storklike-scrank-legged sea-fowls called flamans, or
+else men walking upon stilts or scatches.  The little grammar-school boys,
+known by the name of Grimos, called those leg-grown slangams Jambus, in
+allusion to the French word jambe, which signifieth a leg.  In others,
+their nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a limbeck, in
+every part thereof most variously diapered with the twinkling sparkles of
+crimson blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all enamelled with
+thickset wheals of a sanguine colour, bordered with gules; and such have
+you seen the Canon or Prebend Panzoult, and Woodenfoot, the physician of
+Angiers.  Of which race there were few that looked the ptisane, but all of
+them were perfect lovers of the pure Septembral juice.  Naso and Ovid had
+their extraction from thence, and all those of whom it is written, Ne
+reminiscaris.  Others grew in ears, which they had so big that out of one
+would have been stuff enough got to make a doublet, a pair of breeches, and
+a jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with
+a Spanish cloak:  and they say that in Bourbonnois this race remaineth yet.
+Others grew in length of body, and of those came the Giants, and of them
+Pantagruel.
+
+And the first was Chalbroth,
+Who begat Sarabroth,
+Who begat Faribroth,
+Who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned
+  in the time of the flood;
+Who begat Nembroth,
+Who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling;
+Who begat Goliah,
+Who begat Erix, that invented the hocus pocus plays of legerdemain;
+Who begat Titius,
+Who begat Eryon,
+Who begat Polyphemus,
+Who begat Cacus,
+Who begat Etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking
+  fresh in summer, as Bartachin witnesseth;
+Who begat Enceladus,
+Who begat Ceus,
+Who begat Tiphaeus,
+Who begat Alaeus,
+Who begat Othus,
+Who begat Aegeon,
+Who begat Briareus, that had a hundred hands;
+Who begat Porphyrio,
+Who begat Adamastor,
+Who begat Anteus,
+Who begat Agatho,
+Who begat Porus, against whom fought Alexander the Great;
+Who begat Aranthas,
+Who begat Gabbara, that was the first inventor of the drinking of
+  healths;
+Who begat Goliah of Secondille,
+Who begat Offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the
+  barrel-head;
+Who begat Artachaeus,
+Who begat Oromedon,
+Who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of Poulan shoes, which are
+  open on the foot and tied over the instep with a lachet;
+Who begat Sisyphus,
+Who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born;
+Who begat Enay, the most skilful man that ever was in matter of
+  taking the little worms (called cirons) out of the hands;
+Who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver, peer of France
+  and Roland's comrade;
+Who begat Morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with
+  spectacles;
+Who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written, and of
+  him was born Ferragus,
+Who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever invented the drying of
+  neat's tongues in the chimney; for, before that, people salted
+  them as they do now gammons of bacon;
+Who begat Bolivorax,
+Who begat Longis,
+Who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr... of
+  the service or sorb-apple-tree;
+Who begat Maschefain,
+Who begat Bruslefer,
+Who begat Angoulevent,
+Who begat Galehaut, the inventor of flagons;
+Who begat Mirelangaut,
+Who begat Gallaffre,
+Who begat Falourdin,
+Who begat Roboast,
+Who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres,
+Who begat Brushant of Mommiere,
+Who begat Bruyer that was overcome by Ogier the Dane, peer of
+  France;
+Who begat Mabrun,
+Who begat Foutasnon,
+Who begat Haquelebac,
+Who begat Vitdegrain,
+Who begat Grangousier,
+Who begat Gargantua,
+Who begat the noble Pantagruel, my master.
+
+I know that, reading this passage, you will make a doubt within yourselves,
+and that grounded upon very good reason, which is this--how it is possible
+that this relation can be true, seeing at the time of the flood all the
+world was destroyed, except Noah and seven persons more with him in the
+ark, into whose number Hurtali is not admitted.  Doubtless the demand is
+well made and very apparent, but the answer shall satisfy you, or my wit is
+not rightly caulked.  And because I was not at that time to tell you
+anything of my own fancy, I will bring unto you the authority of the
+Massorets, good honest fellows, true ballockeering blades and exact
+Hebraical bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within
+the ark of Noah, neither could he get in, for he was too big, but he sat
+astride upon it, with one leg on the one side and another on the other, as
+little children use to do upon their wooden horses; or as the great bull of
+Berne, which was killed at Marinian, did ride for his hackney the great
+murdering piece called the canon-pevier, a pretty beast of a fair and
+pleasant amble without all question.
+
+In that posture, he, after God, saved the said ark from danger, for with
+his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with his foot turned
+it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her rudder.  Those that were
+within sent him up victuals in abundance by a chimney, as people very
+thankfully acknowledging the good that he did them.  And sometimes they did
+talk together as Icaromenippus did to Jupiter, according to the report of
+Lucian.  Have you understood all this well?  Drink then one good draught
+without water, for if you believe it not,--no truly do I not, quoth she.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.II.
+
+Of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel.
+
+Gargantua at the age of four hundred fourscore forty and four years begat
+his son Pantagruel, upon his wife named Badebec, daughter to the king of
+the Amaurots in Utopia, who died in childbirth; for he was so wonderfully
+great and lumpish that he could not possibly come forth into the light of
+the world without thus suffocating his mother.  But that we may fully
+understand the cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel which at his
+baptism was given him, you are to remark that in that year there was so
+great drought over all the country of Africa that there passed thirty and
+six months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours and a little more
+without rain, but with a heat so vehement that the whole earth was parched
+and withered by it.  Neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in
+the days of Elijah than it was at that time; for there was not a tree to be
+seen that had either leaf or bloom upon it.  The grass was without verdure
+or greenness, the rivers were drained, the fountains dried up, the poor
+fishes, abandoned and forsaken by their proper element, wandering and
+crying upon the ground most horribly.  The birds did fall down from the air
+for want of moisture and dew wherewith to refresh them.  The wolves, foxes,
+harts, wild boars, fallow deer, hares, coneys, weasels, brocks, badgers,
+and other such beasts, were found dead in the fields with their mouths
+open.  In respect of men, there was the pity, you should have seen them lay
+out their tongues like hares that have been run six hours.  Many did throw
+themselves into the wells.  Others entered within a cow's belly to be in
+the shade; those Homer calls Alibants.  All the country was idle, and could
+do no virtue.  It was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour of
+mortals in defending themselves from the vehemency of this horrific
+drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the
+churches from being wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel
+of my lords the cardinals and of our holy Father, that none did dare to
+take above one lick.  Yet when anyone came into the church, you should have
+seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the
+distributor of the water, and that with a wide open throat, gaping for some
+little drop, like the rich glutton in Luke, that might fall by, lest
+anything should be lost.  O how happy was he in that year who had a cool
+cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh wine!
+
+The philosopher reports, in moving the question, Wherefore it is that the
+sea-water is salt, that at the time when Phoebus gave the government of his
+resplendent chariot to his son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in the
+art, and not knowing how to keep the ecliptic line betwixt the two tropics
+of the latitude of the sun's course, strayed out of his way, and came so
+near the earth that he dried up all the countries that were under it,
+burning a great part of the heavens which the philosophers call Via lactea,
+and the huffsnuffs St. James's way; although the most coped, lofty, and
+high-crested poets affirm that to be the place where Juno's milk fell when
+she gave suck to Hercules.  The earth at that time was so excessively
+heated that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea, such a one as made it
+sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because all sweat is salt; and
+this you cannot but confess to be true if you will taste of your own, or of
+those that have the pox, when they are put into sweating, it is all one to
+me.
+
+Just such another case fell out this same year:  for on a certain Friday,
+when the whole people were bent upon their devotions, and had made goodly
+processions, with store of litanies, and fair preachings, and beseechings
+of God Almighty to look down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable and
+disconsolate condition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of the
+ground great drops of water, such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a top
+sweat, and the poor hoidens began to rejoice as if it had been a thing very
+profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of moisture
+in the air whence they might have any rain, and that the earth did supply
+the default of that.  Other learned men said that it was a shower of the
+antipodes, as Seneca saith in his fourth book Quaestionum naturalium,
+speaking of the source and spring of Nilus.  But they were deceived, for,
+the procession being ended, when everyone went about to gather of this dew,
+and to drink of it with full bowls, they found that it was nothing but
+pickle and the very brine of salt, more brackish in taste than the saltest
+water of the sea.  And because in that very day Pantagruel was born, his
+father gave him that name; for Panta in Greek is as much to say as all, and
+Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signify thirsty, inferring hereby that
+at his birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, as likewise foreseeing
+that he would be some day supreme lord and sovereign of the thirsty
+Ethrappels, which was shown to him at that very same hour by a more evident
+sign.  For when his mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth, and
+that the midwives did wait to receive him, there came first out of her
+belly three score and eight tregeneers, that is, salt-sellers, every one of
+them leading in a halter a mule heavy laden with salt; after whom issued
+forth nine dromedaries, with great loads of gammons of bacon and dried
+neat's tongues on their backs.  Then followed seven camels loaded with
+links and chitterlings, hogs' puddings, and sausages.  After them came out
+five great wains, full of leeks, garlic, onions, and chibots, drawn with
+five-and-thirty strong cart-horses, which was six for every one, besides
+the thiller.  At the sight hereof the said midwives were much amazed, yet
+some of them said, Lo, here is good provision, and indeed we need it; for
+we drink but lazily, as if our tongues walked on crutches, and not lustily
+like Lansman Dutches.  Truly this is a good sign; there is nothing here but
+what is fit for us; these are the spurs of wine, that set it a-going.  As
+they were tattling thus together after their own manner of chat, behold!
+out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a bear, whereupon one of them, inspired
+with a prophetical spirit, said, This will be a terrible fellow; he is born
+with all his hair; he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things, and if he live
+he shall have age.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.III.
+
+Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the decease of his wife
+Badebec.
+
+When Pantagruel was born, there was none more astonished and perplexed than
+was his father Gargantua; for of the one side seeing his wife Badebec dead,
+and on the other side his son Pantagruel born, so fair and so great, he
+knew not what to say nor what to do.  And the doubt that troubled his brain
+was to know whether he should cry for the death of his wife or laugh for
+the joy of his son.  He was hinc inde choked with sophistical arguments,
+for he framed them very well in modo et figura, but he could not resolve
+them, remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a mouse caught
+in a trap or kite snared in a gin.  Shall I weep? said he.  Yes, for why?
+My so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most that, that ever
+was in the world.  Never shall I see her, never shall I recover such
+another; it is unto me an inestimable loss!  O my good God, what had I done
+that thou shouldest thus punish me?  Why didst thou not take me away before
+her, seeing for me to live without her is but to languish?  Ah, Badebec,
+Badebec, my minion, my dear heart, my sugar, my sweeting, my honey, my
+little c-- (yet it had in circumference full six acres, three rods, five
+poles, four yards, two foot, one inch and a half of good woodland measure),
+my tender peggy, my codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slipshoe-lovey,
+never shall I see thee!  Ah, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good
+mother, thy sweet nurse, thy well-beloved lady!  O false death, how
+injurious and despiteful hast thou been to me!  How malicious and
+outrageous have I found thee in taking her from me, my well-beloved wife,
+to whom immortality did of right belong!
+
+With these words he did cry like a cow, but on a sudden fell a-laughing
+like a calf, when Pantagruel came into his mind.  Ha, my little son, said
+he, my childilolly, fedlifondy, dandlichucky, my ballocky, my pretty rogue!
+O how jolly thou art, and how much am I bound to my gracious God, that hath
+been pleased to bestow on me a son so fair, so spriteful, so lively, so
+smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle!  Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I am!  Let
+us drink, ho, and put away melancholy!  Bring of the best, rinse the
+glasses, lay the cloth, drive out these dogs, blow this fire, light
+candles, shut that door there, cut this bread in sippets for brewis, send
+away these poor folks in giving them what they ask, hold my gown.  I will
+strip myself into my doublet (en cuerpo), to make the gossips merry, and
+keep them company.
+
+As he spake this, he heard the litanies and the mementos of the priests
+that carried his wife to be buried, upon which he left the good purpose he
+was in, and was suddenly ravished another way, saying, Lord God! must I
+again contrist myself?  This grieves me.  I am no longer young, I grow old,
+the weather is dangerous; I may perhaps take an ague, then shall I be
+foiled, if not quite undone.  By the faith of a gentleman, it were better
+to cry less, and drink more.  My wife is dead, well, by G--! (da jurandi) I
+shall not raise her again by my crying:  she is well, she is in paradise at
+least, if she be no higher:  she prayeth to God for us, she is happy, she
+is above the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her.  What
+though she be dead, must not we also die?  The same debt which she hath
+paid hangs over our heads; nature will require it of us, and we must all of
+us some day taste of the same sauce.  Let her pass then, and the Lord
+preserve the survivors; for I must now cast about how to get another wife.
+But I will tell you what you shall do, said he to the midwives, in France
+called wise women (where be they, good folks?  I cannot see them):  Go you
+to my wife's interment, and I will the while rock my son; for I find myself
+somewhat altered and distempered, and should otherwise be in danger of
+falling sick; but drink one good draught first, you will be the better for
+it.  And believe me, upon mine honour, they at his request went to her
+burial and funeral obsequies.  In the meanwhile, poor Gargantua staying at
+home, and willing to have somewhat in remembrance of her to be engraven
+upon her tomb, made this epitaph in the manner as followeth.
+
+  Dead is the noble Badebec,
+  Who had a face like a rebeck;
+  A Spanish body, and a belly
+  Of Switzerland; she died, I tell ye,
+  In childbirth.  Pray to God, that her
+  He pardon wherein she did err.
+  Here lies her body, which did live
+  Free from all vice, as I believe,
+    And did decease at my bedside,
+    The year and day in which she died.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.IV.
+
+Of the infancy of Pantagruel.
+
+I find by the ancient historiographers and poets that divers have been born
+in this world after very strange manners, which would be too long to
+repeat; read therefore the seventh chapter of Pliny, if you have so much
+leisure.  Yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of
+Pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter to believe, how in the little
+time he was in his mother's belly he grew both in body and strength.  That
+which Hercules did was nothing, when in his cradle he slew two serpents,
+for those serpents were but little and weak, but Pantagruel, being yet in
+the cradle, did far more admirable things, and more to be amazed at.  I
+pass by here the relation of how at every one of his meals he supped up the
+milk of four thousand and six hundred cows, and how, to make him a skillet
+to boil his milk in, there were set a-work all the braziers of Somure in
+Anjou, of Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bramont in Lorraine.  And they
+served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge great bell, which is yet to
+be seen in the city of Bourges in Berry, near the palace, but his teeth
+were already so well grown, and so strengthened with vigour, that of the
+said bell he bit off a great morsel, as very plainly doth appear till this
+hour.
+
+One day in the morning, when they would have made him suck one of his cows
+--for he never had any other nurse, as the history tells us--he got one of
+his arms loose from the swaddling bands wherewith he was kept fast in the
+cradle, laid hold on the said cow under the left foreham, and grasping her
+to him ate up her udder and half of her paunch, with the liver and the
+kidneys, and had devoured all up if she had not cried out most horribly, as
+if the wolves had held her by the legs, at which noise company came in and
+took away the said cow from Pantagruel.  Yet could they not so well do it
+but that the quarter whereby he caught her was left in his hand, of which
+quarter he gulped up the flesh in a trice, even with as much ease as you
+would eat a sausage, and that so greedily with desire of more, that, when
+they would have taken away the bone from him, he swallowed it down whole,
+as a cormorant would do a little fish; and afterwards began fumblingly to
+say, Good, good, good--for he could not yet speak plain--giving them to
+understand thereby that he had found it very good, and that he did lack but
+so much more.  Which when they saw that attended him, they bound him with
+great cable-ropes, like those that are made at Tain for the carriage of
+salt to Lyons, or such as those are whereby the great French ship rides at
+anchor in the road of Newhaven in Normandy.  But, on a certain time, a
+great bear, which his father had bred, got loose, came towards him, began
+to lick his face, for his nurses had not thoroughly wiped his chaps, at
+which unexpected approach being on a sudden offended, he as lightly rid
+himself of those great cables as Samson did of the hawser ropes wherewith
+the Philistines had tied him, and, by your leave, takes me up my lord the
+bear, and tears him to you in pieces like a pullet, which served him for a
+gorgeful or good warm bit for that meal.
+
+Whereupon Gargantua, fearing lest the child should hurt himself, caused
+four great chains of iron to be made to bind him, and so many strong wooden
+arches unto his cradle, most firmly stocked and morticed in huge frames.
+Of those chains you have one at Rochelle, which they draw up at night
+betwixt the two great towers of the haven.  Another is at Lyons,--a third
+at Angiers,--and the fourth was carried away by the devils to bind Lucifer,
+who broke his chains in those days by reason of a colic that did
+extraordinarily torment him, taken with eating a sergeant's soul fried for
+his breakfast.  And therefore you may believe that which Nicholas de Lyra
+saith upon that place of the Psalter where it is written, Et Og Regem
+Basan, that the said Og, being yet little, was so strong and robustious,
+that they were fain to bind him with chains of iron in his cradle.  Thus
+continued Pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet, for he was not able
+so easily to break those chains, especially having no room in the cradle to
+give a swing with his arms.  But see what happened once upon a great
+holiday that his father Gargantua made a sumptuous banquet to all the
+princes of his court.  I am apt to believe that the menial officers of the
+house were so embusied in waiting each on his proper service at the feast,
+that nobody took care of poor Pantagruel, who was left a reculorum,
+behindhand, all alone, and as forsaken.  What did he?  Hark what he did,
+good people.  He strove and essayed to break the chains of the cradle with
+his arms, but could not, for they were too strong for him.  Then did he
+keep with his feet such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last he beat
+out the lower end of his cradle, which notwithstanding was made of a great
+post five foot in square; and as soon as he had gotten out his feet, he
+slid down as well as he could till he had got his soles to the ground, and
+then with a mighty force he rose up, carrying his cradle upon his back,
+bound to him like a tortoise that crawls up against a wall; and to have
+seen him, you would have thought it had been a great carrick of five
+hundred tons upon one end.  In this manner he entered into the great hall
+where they were banqueting, and that very boldly, which did much affright
+the company; yet, because his arms were tied in, he could not reach
+anything to eat, but with great pain stooped now and then a little to take
+with the whole flat of his tongue some lick, good bit, or morsel.  Which
+when his father saw, he knew well enough that they had left him without
+giving him anything to eat, and therefore commanded that he should be
+loosed from the said chains, by the counsel of the princes and lords there
+present.  Besides that also the physicians of Gargantua said that, if they
+did thus keep him in the cradle, he would be all his lifetime subject to
+the stone.  When he was unchained, they made him to sit down, where, after
+he had fed very well, he took his cradle and broke it into more than five
+hundred thousand pieces with one blow of his fist that he struck in the
+midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.V.
+
+Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful age.
+
+Thus grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to everyone's eye waxed more and
+more in all his dimensions, which made his father to rejoice by a natural
+affection.  Therefore caused he to be made for him, whilst he was yet
+little, a pretty crossbow wherewith to shoot at small birds, which now they
+call the great crossbow at Chantelle.  Then he sent him to the school to
+learn, and to spend his youth in virtue.  In the prosecution of which
+design he came first to Poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very
+much, he saw that the scholars were oftentimes at leisure and knew not how
+to bestow their time, which moved him to take such compassion on them, that
+one day he took from a long ledge of rocks, called there Passelourdin, a
+huge great stone, of about twelve fathom square and fourteen handfuls
+thick, and with great ease set it upon four pillars in the midst of a
+field, to no other end but that the said scholars, when they had nothing
+else to do, might pass their time in getting up on that stone, and feast it
+with store of gammons, pasties, and flagons, and carve their names upon it
+with a knife, in token of which deed till this hour the stone is called the
+lifted stone.  And in remembrance hereof there is none entered into the
+register and matricular book of the said university, or accounted capable
+of taking any degree therein, till he have first drunk in the caballine
+fountain of Croustelles, passed at Passelourdin, and got up upon the lifted
+stone.
+
+Afterwards, reading the delectable chronicles of his ancestors, he found
+that Geoffrey of Lusignan, called Geoffrey with the great tooth,
+grandfather to the cousin-in-law of the eldest sister of the aunt of the
+son-in-law of the uncle of the good daughter of his stepmother, was
+interred at Maillezais; therefore one day he took campos (which is a little
+vacation from study to play a while), that he might give him a visit as
+unto an honest man.  And going from Poictiers with some of his companions,
+they passed by the Guge (Leguge), visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon; then
+by Lusignan, by Sansay, by Celles, by Coolonges, by Fontenay-le-Comte,
+saluting the learned Tiraqueau, and from thence arrived at Maillezais,
+where he went to see the sepulchre of the said Geoffrey with the great
+tooth; which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon the picture, whose
+lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of a man in an
+extreme fury, drawing his great Malchus falchion half way out of his
+scabbard.  When the reason hereof was demanded, the canons of the said
+place told him that there was no other cause of it but that Pictoribus
+atque Poetis, &c., that is to say, that painters and poets have liberty to
+paint and devise what they list after their own fancy.  But he was not
+satisfied with their answer, and said, He is not thus painted without a
+cause, and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him,
+whereof he requireth his kindred to take revenge.  I will inquire further
+into it, and then do what shall be reasonable.  Then he returned not to
+Poictiers, but would take a view of the other universities of France.
+Therefore, going to Rochelle, he took shipping and arrived at Bordeaux,
+where he found no great exercise, only now and then he would see some
+mariners and lightermen a-wrestling on the quay or strand by the
+river-side.  From thence he came to Toulouse, where he learned to dance very
+well, and to play with the two-handed sword, as the fashion of the scholars
+of the said university is to bestir themselves in games whereof they may
+have their hands full; but he stayed not long there when he saw that they
+did cause burn their regents alive like red herring, saying, Now God forbid
+that I should die this death! for I am by nature sufficiently dry already,
+without heating myself any further.
+
+He went then to Montpellier, where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux,
+and good jovial company withal, and thought to have set himself to the
+study of physic; but he considered that that calling was too troublesome
+and melancholic, and that physicians did smell of glisters like old devils.
+Therefore he resolved he would study the laws; but seeing that there were
+but three scald- and one bald-pated legist in that place, he departed from
+thence, and in his way made the bridge of Guard and the amphitheatre of
+Nimes in less than three hours, which, nevertheless, seems to be a more
+divine than human work.  After that he came to Avignon, where he was not
+above three days before he fell in love; for the women there take great
+delight in playing at the close-buttock game, because it is papal ground.
+Which his tutor and pedagogue Epistemon perceiving, he drew him out of that
+place, and brought him to Valence in the Dauphiny, where he saw no great
+matter of recreation, only that the lubbers of the town did beat the
+scholars, which so incensed him with anger, that when, upon a certain very
+fair Sunday, the people being at their public dancing in the streets, and
+one of the scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of
+that sport, the foresaid lubberly fellows would not permit him the
+admittance into their society, he, taking the scholar's part, so belaboured
+them with blows, and laid such load upon them, that he drove them all
+before him, even to the brink of the river Rhone, and would have there
+drowned them, but that they did squat to the ground, and there lay close a
+full half-league under the river.  The hole is to be seen there yet.
+
+After that he departed from thence, and in three strides and one leap came
+to Angiers, where he found himself very well, and would have continued
+there some space, but that the plague drove them away.  So from thence he
+came to Bourges, where he studied a good long time, and profited very much
+in the faculty of the laws, and would sometimes say that the books of the
+civil law were like unto a wonderfully precious, royal, and triumphant robe
+of cloth of gold edged with dirt; for in the world are no goodlier books to
+be seen, more ornate, nor more eloquent than the texts of the Pandects, but
+the bordering of them, that is to say, the gloss of Accursius, is so
+scurvy, vile, base, and unsavoury, that it is nothing but filthiness and
+villainy.
+
+Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where he found store of swaggering
+scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming, and with whom he
+learned to play at tennis so well that he was a master at that game.  For
+the students of the said place make a prime exercise of it; and sometimes
+they carried him unto Cupid's houses of commerce (in that city termed
+islands, because of their being most ordinarily environed with other
+houses, and not contiguous to any), there to recreate his person at the
+sport of poussavant, which the wenches of London call the ferkers in and
+in.  As for breaking his head with over-much study, he had an especial care
+not to do it in any case, for fear of spoiling his eyes.  Which he the
+rather observed, for that it was told him by one of his teachers, there
+called regents, that the pain of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any
+to the sight.  For this cause, when he one day was made a licentiate, or
+graduate in law, one of the scholars of his acquaintance, who of learning
+had not much more than his burden, though instead of that he could dance
+very well and play at tennis, made the blazon and device of the licentiates
+in the said university, saying,
+
+  So you have in your hand a racket,
+  A tennis-ball in your cod-placket,
+  A Pandect law in your cap's tippet,
+  And that you have the skill to trip it
+  In a low dance, you will b' allowed
+  The grant of the licentiate's hood.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.VI.
+
+How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who too affectedly did counterfeit the
+French language.
+
+Upon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruel walking after supper with
+some of his fellow-students without that gate of the city through which we
+enter on the road to Paris, encountered with a young spruce-like scholar
+that was coming upon the same very way, and, after they had saluted one
+another, asked him thus, My friend, from whence comest thou now?  The
+scholar answered him, From the alme, inclyte, and celebrate academy, which
+is vocitated Lutetia.  What is the meaning of this? said Pantagruel to one
+of his men.  It is, answered he, from Paris.  Thou comest from Paris then,
+said Pantagruel; and how do you spend your time there, you my masters the
+students of Paris?  The scholar answered, We transfretate the Sequan at the
+dilucul and crepuscul; we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the
+urb; we despumate the Latial verbocination; and, like verisimilary
+amorabons, we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal, omniform and
+omnigenal feminine sex.  Upon certain diecules we invisat the lupanares,
+and in a venerian ecstasy inculcate our veretres into the penitissime
+recesses of the pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules.  Then do we
+cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the Pineapple, the Castle, the
+Magdalene, and the Mule, goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with
+petrocile.  And if by fortune there be rarity or penury of pecune in our
+marsupies, and that they be exhausted of ferruginean metal, for the shot we
+dimit our codices and oppignerat our vestments, whilst we prestolate the
+coming of the tabellaries from the Penates and patriotic Lares.  To which
+Pantagruel answered, What devilish language is this?  By the Lord, I think
+thou art some kind of heretick.  My lord, no, said the scholar; for
+libentissimally, as soon as it illucesceth any minutule slice of the day, I
+demigrate into one of these so well architected minsters, and there,
+irrorating myself with fair lustral water, I mumble off little parcels of
+some missic precation of our sacrificuls, and, submurmurating my horary
+precules, I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquinations.
+I revere the Olympicols.  I latrially venere the supernal Astripotent.  I
+dilige and redame my proxims.  I observe the decalogical precepts, and,
+according to the facultatule of my vires, I do not discede from them one
+late unguicule.  Nevertheless, it is veriform, that because Mammona doth
+not supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that I am somewhat rare and lent
+to supererogate the elemosynes to those egents that hostially queritate
+their stipe.
+
+Prut, tut, said Pantagruel, what doth this fool mean to say?  I think he is
+upon the forging of some diabolical tongue, and that enchanter-like he
+would charm us.  To whom one of his men said, Without doubt, sir, this
+fellow would counterfeit the language of the Parisians, but he doth only
+flay the Latin, imagining by so doing that he doth highly Pindarize it in
+most eloquent terms, and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a
+great orator in the French, because he disdaineth the common manner of
+speaking.  To which Pantagruel said, Is it true?  The scholar answered, My
+worshipful lord, my genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious
+nebulon saith, to excoriate the cut(ic)ule of our vernacular Gallic, but
+vice-versally I gnave opere, and by veles and rames enite to locupletate it
+with the Latinicome redundance.  By G--, said Pantagruel, I will teach you
+to speak.  But first come hither, and tell me whence thou art.  To this the
+scholar answered, The primeval origin of my aves and ataves was indigenary
+of the Lemovic regions, where requiesceth the corpor of the hagiotat St.
+Martial.  I understand thee very well, said Pantagruel.  When all comes to
+all, thou art a Limousin, and thou wilt here by thy affected speech
+counterfeit the Parisians.  Well now, come hither, I must show thee a new
+trick, and handsomely give thee the combfeat.  With this he took him by the
+throat, saying to him, Thou flayest the Latin; by St. John, I will make
+thee flay the fox, for I will now flay thee alive.  Then began the poor
+Limousin to cry, Haw, gwid maaster! haw, Laord, my halp, and St. Marshaw!
+haw, I'm worried.  Haw, my thropple, the bean of my cragg is bruck!  Haw,
+for gauad's seck lawt my lean, mawster; waw, waw, waw.  Now, said
+Pantagruel, thou speakest naturally, and so let him go, for the poor
+Limousin had totally bewrayed and thoroughly conshit his breeches, which
+were not deep and large enough, but round straight cannioned gregs, having
+in the seat a piece like a keeling's tail, and therefore in French called,
+de chausses a queue de merlus.  Then, said Pantagruel, St. Alipantin, what
+civet?  Fie! to the devil with this turnip-eater, as he stinks! and so let
+him go.  But this hug of Pantagruel's was such a terror to him all the days
+of his life, and took such deep impression in his fancy, that very often,
+distracted with sudden affrightments, he would startle and say that
+Pantagruel held him by the neck.  Besides that, it procured him a continual
+drought and desire to drink, so that after some few years he died of the
+death Roland, in plain English called thirst, a work of divine vengeance,
+showing us that which saith the philosopher and Aulus Gellius, that it
+becometh us to speak according to the common language; and that we should,
+as said Octavian Augustus, strive to shun all strange and unknown terms
+with as much heedfulness and circumspection as pilots of ships use to avoid
+the rocks and banks in the sea.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.VII.
+
+How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice books of the Library of St.
+Victor.
+
+After that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans, he resolved to see
+the great University at Paris; but, before his departure, he was informed
+that there was a huge big bell at St. Anian in the said town of Orleans,
+under the ground, which had been there above two hundred and fourteen
+years, for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much
+as above the ground, although they used all the means that are found in
+Vitruvius de Architectura, Albertus de Re Aedificatoria, Euclid, Theon,
+Archimedes, and Hero de Ingeniis; for all that was to no purpose.
+Wherefore, condescending heartily to the humble request of the citizens and
+inhabitants of the said town, he determined to remove it to the tower that
+was erected for it.  With that he came to the place where it was, and
+lifted it out of the ground with his little finger as easily as you would
+have done a hawk's bell or bellwether's tingle-tangle; but, before he would
+carry it to the foresaid tower or steeple appointed for it, he would needs
+make some music with it about the town, and ring it alongst all the streets
+as he carried it in his hand, wherewith all the people were very glad.  But
+there happened one great inconveniency, for with carrying it so, and
+ringing it about the streets, all the good Orleans wine turned instantly,
+waxed flat and was spoiled, which nobody there did perceive till the night
+following; for every man found himself so altered and a-dry with drinking
+these flat wines, that they did nothing but spit, and that as white as
+Malta cotton, saying, We have of the Pantagruel, and our very throats are
+salted.  This done, he came to Paris with his retinue.  And at his entry
+everyone came out to see him--as you know well enough that the people of
+Paris is sottish by nature, by B flat and B sharp--and beheld him with
+great astonishment, mixed with no less fear that he would carry away the
+palace into some other country, a remotis, and far from them, as his father
+formerly had done the great peal of bells at Our Lady's Church to tie about
+his mare's neck.  Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied
+very well in all the seven liberal arts, he said it was a good town to live
+in, but not to die; for that the grave-digging rogues of St. Innocent used
+in frosty nights to warm their bums with dead men's bones.  In his abode
+there he found the library of St. Victor a very stately and magnific one,
+especially in some books which were there, of which followeth the Repertory
+and Catalogue, Et primo,
+
+The for Godsake of Salvation.
+The Codpiece of the Law.
+The Slipshoe of the Decretals.
+The Pomegranate of Vice.
+The Clew-bottom of Theology.
+The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers, composed by Turlupin.
+The Churning Ballock of the Valiant.
+The Henbane of the Bishops.
+Marmotretus de baboonis et apis, cum Commento Dorbellis.
+Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum
+  ad placitum.
+The Apparition of Sancte Geltrude to a Nun of Poissy, being in
+  travail at the bringing forth of a child.
+Ars honeste fartandi in societate, per Marcum Corvinum (Ortuinum).
+The Mustard-pot of Penance.
+The Gamashes, alias the Boots of Patience.
+Formicarium artium.
+De brodiorum usu, et honestate quartandi, per Sylvestrem Prioratem
+  Jacobinum.
+The Cosened or Gulled in Court.
+The Frail of the Scriveners.
+The Marriage-packet.
+The Cruizy or Crucible of Contemplation.
+The Flimflams of the Law.
+The Prickle of Wine.
+The Spur of Cheese.
+Ruboffatorium (Decrotatorium) scholarium.
+Tartaretus de modo cacandi.
+The Bravades of Rome.
+Bricot de Differentiis Browsarum.
+The Tailpiece-Cushion, or Close-breech of Discipline.
+The Cobbled Shoe of Humility.
+The Trivet of good Thoughts.
+The Kettle of Magnanimity.
+The Cavilling Entanglements of Confessors.
+The Snatchfare of the Curates.
+Reverendi patris fratris Lubini, provincialis Bavardiae, de gulpendis
+  lardslicionibus libri tres.
+Pasquilli Doctoris Marmorei, de capreolis cum artichoketa comedendis,
+  tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto.
+The Invention of the Holy Cross, personated by six wily Priests.
+The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome.
+Majoris de modo faciendi puddinos.
+The Bagpipe of the Prelates.
+Beda de optimitate triparum.
+The Complaint of the Barristers upon the Reformation of Comfits.
+The Furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys.
+Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commento.
+The Small Vales or Drinking Money of the Indulgences.
+Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre Pilloti, &c.,
+  Scrap-farthingi de botchandis glossae Accursianae Triflis repetitio
+  enucidi-luculidissima.
+Stratagemata Francharchiaeri de Baniolet.
+Carlbumpkinus de Re Militari cum Figuris Tevoti.
+De usu et utilitate flayandi equos et equas, authore Magistro nostro
+  de Quebecu.
+The Sauciness of Country-Stewards.
+M.N. Rostocostojambedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda,
+  libri quatuordecim, apostillati per M. Vaurillonis.
+The Covillage or Wench-tribute of Promoters.
+(Jabolenus de Cosmographia Purgatorii.)
+Quaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bonbinans possit
+  comedere secundas intentiones; et fuit debatuta per decem
+  hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi.
+The Bridle-champer of the Advocates.
+Smutchudlamenta Scoti.
+The Rasping and Hard-scraping of the Cardinals.
+De calcaribus removendis, Decades undecim, per M. Albericum de Rosata.
+Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres.
+The Entrance of Anthony de Leve into the Territories of Brazil.
+(Marforii, bacalarii cubantis Romae) de peelandis aut unskinnandis
+  blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis.
+The said Author's Apology against those who allege that the Pope's
+  mule doth eat but at set times.
+Prognosticatio quae incipit, Silvii Triquebille, balata per M.N., the
+  deep-dreaming gull Sion.
+Boudarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus Aeneades novem,
+  cum privilegio Papali ad triennium et postea non.
+The Shitabranna of the Maids.
+The Bald Arse or Peeled Breech of the Widows.
+The Cowl or Capouch of the Monks.
+The Mumbling Devotion of the Celestine Friars.
+The Passage-toll of Beggarliness.
+The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of Lubberly Lusks.
+The Paring-shovel of the Theologues.
+The Drench-horn of the Masters of Arts.
+The Scullions of Olcam, the uninitiated Clerk.
+Magistri N. Lickdishetis, de garbellisiftationibus horarum canonicarum,
+  libri quadriginta.
+Arsiversitatorium confratriarum, incerto authore.
+The Gulsgoatony or Rasher of Cormorants and Ravenous Feeders.
+The Rammishness of the Spaniards supergivuregondigaded by Friar Inigo.
+The Muttering of Pitiful Wretches.
+Dastardismus rerum Italicarum, authore Magistro Burnegad.
+R. Lullius de Batisfolagiis Principum.
+Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo Hocstraten hereticometra.
+Codtickler de Magistro nostrandorum Magistro nostratorumque beuvetis,
+  libri octo galantissimi.
+The Crackarades of Balists or stone-throwing Engines, Contrepate
+  Clerks, Scriveners, Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal
+  Bull-despatchers lately compiled by Regis.
+A perpetual Almanack for those that have the gout and the pox.
+Manera sweepandi fornacellos per Mag. Eccium.
+The Shable or Scimetar of Merchants.
+The Pleasures of the Monachal Life.
+The Hotchpot of Hypocrites.
+The History of the Hobgoblins.
+The Ragamuffinism of the pensionary maimed Soldiers.
+The Gulling Fibs and Counterfeit shows of Commissaries.
+The Litter of Treasurers.
+The Juglingatorium of Sophisters.
+Antipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes Toordicantium.
+The Periwinkle of Ballad-makers.
+The Push-forward of the Alchemists.
+The Niddy-noddy of the Satchel-loaded Seekers, by Friar Bindfastatis.
+The Shackles of Religion.
+The Racket of Swag-waggers.
+The Leaning-stock of old Age.
+The Muzzle of Nobility.
+The Ape's Paternoster.
+The Crickets and Hawk's-bells of Devotion.
+The Pot of the Ember-weeks.
+The Mortar of the Politic Life.
+The Flap of the Hermits.
+The Riding-hood or Monterg of the Penitentiaries.
+The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars.
+Blockheadodus, de vita et honestate bragadochiorum.
+Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lupoldum.
+The Carrier-horse-bells of Travellers.
+The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops.
+Dolloporediones Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuclin.
+The Cymbals of Ladies.
+The Dunger's Martingale.
+Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum per Fratrem Crackwoodloguetis.
+The Clouted Patches of a Stout Heart.
+The Mummery of the Racket-keeping Robin-goodfellows.
+Gerson, de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia.
+The Catalogue of the Nominated and Graduated Persons.
+Jo. Dytebrodii, terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos.
+Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, per M. Guingolphum.
+The Hotchpotch or Gallimaufry of the perpetually begging Friars.
+The Morris-dance of the Heretics.
+The Whinings of Cajetan.
+Muddisnout Doctoris Cherubici, de origine Roughfootedarum, et
+  Wryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem.
+Sixty-nine fat Breviaries.
+The Nightmare of the five Orders of Beggars.
+The Skinnery of the new Start-ups extracted out of the fallow-butt,
+  incornifistibulated and plodded upon in the angelic sum.
+The Raver and idle Talker in cases of Conscience.
+The Fat Belly of the Presidents.
+The Baffling Flouter of the Abbots.
+Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum Slabsauceatorem, et quod
+  Slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia.
+Cacatorium medicorum.
+The Chimney-sweeper of Astrology.
+Campi clysteriorum per paragraph C.
+The Bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries.
+The Kissbreech of Chirurgery.
+Justinianus de Whiteleperotis tollendis.
+Antidotarium animae.
+Merlinus Coccaius, de patria diabolorum.
+The Practice of Iniquity, by Cleuraunes Sadden.
+The Mirror of Baseness, by Radnecu Waldenses.
+The Engrained Rogue, by Dwarsencas Eldenu.
+The Merciless Cormorant, by Hoxinidno the Jew.
+
+Of which library some books are already printed, and the rest are now at
+the press in this noble city of Tubingen.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.VIII.
+
+How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received letters from his father Gargantua,
+and the copy of them.
+
+Pantagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited
+accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding and notable wit,
+together with a capacity in memory equal to the measure of twelve oil
+budgets or butts of olives.  And, as he was there abiding one day, he
+received a letter from his father in manner as followeth.
+
+Most dear Son,--Amongst the gifts, graces, and prerogatives, with which the
+sovereign plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and adorned human nature at
+the beginning, that seems to me most singular and excellent by which we may
+in a mortal state attain to a kind of immortality, and in the course of
+this transitory life perpetuate our name and seed, which is done by a
+progeny issued from us in the lawful bonds of matrimony.  Whereby that in
+some measure is restored unto us which was taken from us by the sin of our
+first parents, to whom it was said that, because they had not obeyed the
+commandment of God their Creator, they should die, and by death should be
+brought to nought that so stately frame and plasmature wherein the man at
+first had been created.
+
+But by this means of seminal propagation there ("Which continueth" in the
+old copy.) continueth in the children what was lost in the parents, and in
+the grandchildren that which perished in their fathers, and so successively
+until the day of the last judgment, when Jesus Christ shall have rendered
+up to God the Father his kingdom in a peaceable condition, out of all
+danger and contamination of sin; for then shall cease all generations and
+corruptions, and the elements leave off their continual transmutations,
+seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and
+that all things shall be brought to their end and period.  And, therefore,
+not without just and reasonable cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour
+and Preserver, for that he hath enabled me to see my bald old age
+reflourish in thy youth; for when, at his good pleasure, who rules and
+governs all things, my soul shall leave this mortal habitation, I shall not
+account myself wholly to die, but to pass from one place unto another,
+considering that, in and by that, I continue in my visible image living in
+the world, visiting and conversing with people of honour, and other my good
+friends, as I was wont to do.  Which conversation of mine, although it was
+not without sin, because we are all of us trespassers, and therefore ought
+continually to beseech his divine majesty to blot our transgressions out of
+his memory, yet was it, by the help and grace of God, without all manner of
+reproach before men.
+
+Wherefore, if those qualities of the mind but shine in thee wherewith I am
+endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body, thou wilt be
+esteemed by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the
+immortality of our name.  But, if otherwise, I shall truly take but small
+pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which is the
+body, would abide in thee, and the best, to wit, that which is the soul,
+and by which our name continues blessed amongst men, would be degenerate
+and abastardized.  This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of
+thy virtue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee
+yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better.  And that which I now
+write unto thee is not so much that thou shouldst live in this virtuous
+course, as that thou shouldst rejoice in so living and having lived, and
+cheer up thyself with the like resolution in time to come; to the
+prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise and generous undertaking
+thou mayst easily remember how that I have spared nothing, but have so
+helped thee, as if I had had no other treasure in this world but to see
+thee once in my life completely well-bred and accomplished, as well in
+virtue, honesty, and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and civility, and
+so to leave thee after my death as a mirror representing the person of me
+thy father, and if not so excellent, and such in deed as I do wish thee,
+yet such in my desire.
+
+But although my deceased father of happy memory, Grangousier, had bent his
+best endeavours to make me profit in all perfection and political
+knowledge, and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea,
+went beyond his desire, nevertheless, as thou mayest well understand, the
+time then was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at present,
+neither had I plenty of such good masters as thou hast had.  For that time
+was darksome, obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring a little of
+the infelicity and calamity of the Goths, who had, wherever they set
+footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my age hath by the divine
+goodness been restored unto its former light and dignity, and that with
+such amendment and increase of the knowledge, that now hardly should I be
+admitted unto the first form of the little grammar-schoolboys--I say, I,
+who in my youthful days was, and that justly, reputed the most learned of
+that age.  Which I do not speak in vain boasting, although I might lawfully
+do it in writing unto thee--in verification whereof thou hast the authority
+of Marcus Tullius in his book of old age, and the sentence of Plutarch in
+the book entitled How a man may praise himself without envy--but to give
+thee an emulous encouragement to strive yet further.
+
+Now is it that the minds of men are qualified with all manner of
+discipline, and the old sciences revived which for many ages were extinct.
+Now it is that the learned languages are to their pristine purity restored,
+viz., Greek, without which a man may be ashamed to account himself a
+scholar, Hebrew, Arabic, Chaldaean, and Latin.  Printing likewise is now in
+use, so elegant and so correct that better cannot be imagined, although it
+was found out but in my time by divine inspiration, as by a diabolical
+suggestion on the other side was the invention of ordnance.  All the world
+is full of knowing men, of most learned schoolmasters, and vast libraries;
+and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in Plato's time, nor
+Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there was ever such conveniency for studying as
+we see at this day there is.  Nor must any adventure henceforward to come
+in public, or present himself in company, that hath not been pretty well
+polished in the shop of Minerva.  I see robbers, hangmen, freebooters,
+tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very rubbish of the people, more
+learned now than the doctors and preachers were in my time.
+
+What shall I say?  The very women and children have aspired to this praise
+and celestial manner of good learning.  Yet so it is that, in the age I am
+now of, I have been constrained to learn the Greek tongue--which I
+contemned not like Cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years to
+attend the study of it--and take much delight in the reading of Plutarch's
+Morals, the pleasant Dialogues of Plato, the Monuments of Pausanias, and
+the Antiquities of Athenaeus, in waiting on the hour wherein God my Creator
+shall call me and command me to depart from this earth and transitory
+pilgrimage.  Wherefore, my son, I admonish thee to employ thy youth to
+profit as well as thou canst, both in thy studies and in virtue.  Thou art
+at Paris, where the laudable examples of many brave men may stir up thy
+mind to gallant actions, and hast likewise for thy tutor and pedagogue the
+learned Epistemon, who by his lively and vocal documents may instruct thee
+in the arts and sciences.
+
+I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn the languages perfectly;
+first of all the Greek, as Quintilian will have it; secondly, the Latin;
+and then the Hebrew, for the Holy Scripture sake; and then the Chaldee and
+Arabic likewise, and that thou frame thy style in Greek in imitation of
+Plato, and for the Latin after Cicero.  Let there be no history which thou
+shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto the prosecuting of which design,
+books of cosmography will be very conducible and help thee much.  Of the
+liberal arts of geometry, arithmetic, and music, I gave thee some taste
+when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six years old.  Proceed
+further in them, and learn the remainder if thou canst.  As for astronomy,
+study all the rules thereof.  Let pass, nevertheless, the divining and
+judicial astrology, and the art of Lullius, as being nothing else but plain
+abuses and vanities.  As for the civil law, of that I would have thee to
+know the texts by heart, and then to confer them with philosophy.
+
+Now, in matter of the knowledge of the works of nature, I would have thee
+to study that exactly, and that so there be no sea, river, nor fountain, of
+which thou dost not know the fishes; all the fowls of the air; all the
+several kinds of shrubs and trees, whether in forests or orchards; all the
+sorts of herbs and flowers that grow upon the ground; all the various
+metals that are hid within the bowels of the earth; together with all the
+diversity of precious stones that are to be seen in the orient and south
+parts of the world.  Let nothing of all these be hidden from thee.  Then
+fail not most carefully to peruse the books of the Greek, Arabian, and
+Latin physicians, not despising the Talmudists and Cabalists; and by
+frequent anatomies get thee the perfect knowledge of the other world,
+called the microcosm, which is man.  And at some hours of the day apply thy
+mind to the study of the Holy Scriptures; first in Greek, the New
+Testament, with the Epistles of the Apostles; and then the Old Testament in
+Hebrew.  In brief, let me see thee an abyss and bottomless pit of
+knowledge; for from henceforward, as thou growest great and becomest a man,
+thou must part from this tranquillity and rest of study, thou must learn
+chivalry, warfare, and the exercises of the field, the better thereby to
+defend my house and our friends, and to succour and protect them at all
+their needs against the invasion and assaults of evildoers.
+
+Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited,
+which thou canst not better do than by maintaining publicly theses and
+conclusions in all arts against all persons whatsoever, and by haunting the
+company of learned men, both at Paris and otherwhere.  But because, as the
+wise man Solomon saith, Wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind, and that
+knowledge without conscience is but the ruin of the soul, it behoveth thee
+to serve, to love, to fear God, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all
+thy hope, and by faith formed in charity to cleave unto him, so that thou
+mayst never be separated from him by thy sins.  Suspect the abuses of the
+world.  Set not thy heart upon vanity, for this life is transitory, but the
+Word of the Lord endureth for ever.  Be serviceable to all thy neighbours,
+and love them as thyself.  Reverence thy preceptors:  shun the conversation
+of those whom thou desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the
+graces which God hath bestowed upon thee.  And, when thou shalt see that
+thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that
+part, return unto me, that I may see thee and give thee my blessing before
+I die.  My son, the peace and grace of our Lord be with thee.  Amen.
+
+    Thy father Gargantua.
+
+  From Utopia the 17th day of the month of March.
+
+These letters being received and read, Pantagruel plucked up his heart,
+took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a desire to profit in
+his studies more than ever, so that if you had seen him, how he took pains,
+and how he advanced in learning, you would have said that the vivacity of
+his spirit amidst the books was like a great fire amongst dry wood, so
+active it was, vigorous and indefatigable.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.IX.
+
+How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his lifetime.
+
+One day, as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the city, towards St.
+Anthony's abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his own servants and
+some other scholars, (he) met with a young man of very comely stature and
+surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of his body, but in several parts
+thereof most pitifully wounded; in such bad equipage in matter of his
+apparel, which was but tatters and rags, and every way so far out of order
+that he seemed to have been a-fighting with mastiff-dogs, from whose fury
+he had made an escape; or to say better, he looked, in the condition
+wherein he then was, like an apple-gatherer of the country of Perche.
+
+As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by, Do you
+see that man there, who is a-coming hither upon the road from Charenton
+bridge?  By my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may assure you that
+by his physiognomy it appeareth that nature hath extracted him from some
+rich and noble race, and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon
+adventures which possibly have reduced him to this indigence, want, and
+penury.  Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me
+entreat you, friend, that you may be pleased to stop here a little and
+answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not
+think your time ill bestowed; for I have an extreme desire, according to my
+ability, to give you some supply in this distress wherein I see you are;
+because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to great
+pity.  Therefore, my friend, tell me who you are; whence you come; whither
+you go; what you desire; and what your name is.  The companion answered him
+in the German (The first edition reads "Dutch.") tongue, thus:
+
+'Junker, Gott geb euch gluck und heil.  Furwahr, lieber Junker, ich lasz
+euch wissen, das da ihr mich von fragt, ist ein arm und erbarmlich Ding,
+und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch verdrussig zu horen, und mir zu
+erzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und Oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt in ihren
+Spruchen und Sentenzen, dasz die gedechtniss des Elends und Armuth
+vorlangst erlitten ist eine grosse Lust.'  My friend, said Pantagruel, I
+have no skill in that gibberish of yours; therefore, if you would have us
+to understand you, speak to us in some other language.  Then did the droll
+answer him thus:
+
+'Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam albaras.
+Nin portzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben ensouim;
+kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruch
+dalmaisoulum hol moth danfrihim lupaldas in voldemoth.  Nin hur diavosth
+mnarbotim dalgousch palfrapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min
+foulchrich al conin brutathen doth dal prin.'  Do you understand none of
+this? said Pantagruel to the company.  I believe, said Epistemon, that this
+is the language of the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil
+himself knows not what to make of it.  Then said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know
+not if the walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us
+here doth so much as understand one syllable of them.  Then said my blade
+again:
+
+'Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che la cornamusa non suona mai,
+s'ella non ha il ventre pieno.  Cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare le
+mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la solita refettione.  Al
+quale e adviso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine
+naturale et del tutto annichilati.'  To which Epistemon answered, As much
+of the one as of the other, and nothing of either.  Then said Panurge:
+
+'Lord, if you be so virtuous of intelligence as you be naturally relieved
+to the body, you should have pity of me.  For nature hath made us equal,
+but fortune hath some exalted and others deprived; nevertheless is virtue
+often deprived and the virtuous men despised; for before the last end none
+is good.'  (The following is the passage as it stands in the first edition.
+Urquhart seems to have rendered Rabelais' indifferent English into worse
+Scotch, and this, with probably the use of contractions in his MS., or 'the
+oddness' of handwriting which he owns to in his Logopandecteision (p.419,
+Mait. Club. Edit.), has led to a chaotic jumble, which it is nearly
+impossible to reduce to order.--Instead of any attempt to do so, it is here
+given verbatim: 'Lard gestholb besua virtuisbe intelligence:  ass yi body
+scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety have; for natur hass visse
+equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis deprevit:  non yeless
+iviss mou virtiuss deprevit, and virtuiss men decreviss for anen ye
+ladeniss non quid.'  Here is a morsel for critical ingenuity to fix its
+teeth in.--M.)  Yet less, said Pantagruel.  Then said my jolly Panurge:
+
+'Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde versela ysser
+landa.  Anbat es otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposian ordine
+den.  Non yssena bayta facheria egabe gen herassy badia sadassu noura
+assia.  Aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydassuna.  Estou oussyc eg vinan
+soury hien er darstura eguy harm.  Genicoa plasar vadu.'  Are you there,
+said Eudemon, Genicoa?  To this said Carpalim, St. Trinian's rammer
+unstitch your bum, for I had almost understood it.  Then answered Panurge:
+
+'Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds pag brlelang Gravot Chavigny
+Pomardiere rusth pkaldracg Deviniere pres Nays.  Couille kalmuch monach
+drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelb up drent loch minc stz rinq jald de
+vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards.'  Do you speak Christian, said
+Epistemon, or the buffoon language, otherwise called Patelinois?  Nay, it
+is the puzlatory tongue, said another, which some call Lanternois.  Then
+said Panurge:
+
+'Heere, ik en spreeke anders geen taele dan kersten taele:  my dunkt
+noghtans, al en seg ik u niet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert genoegh wat
+ik begeere:  geeft my uyt bermhertigheit yets waar van ik gevoet magh zyn.'
+To which answered Pantagruel, As much of that.  Then said Panurge:
+
+'Sennor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque yo suplico a vuestra
+reverentia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movan
+vuestra reverentia a lo que es de conscientia; y si ellos non bastaren,
+para mouer vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo suplico que mire a la piedad
+natural, la qual yo creo que le movera como es de razon: y con esso non
+digo mas.'  Truly, my friend, (said Pantagruel,) I doubt not but you can
+speak divers languages; but tell us that which you would have us to do for
+you in some tongue which you conceive we may understand.  Then said the
+companion:
+
+'Min Herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, ligesom baern, oc uskellige
+creatuure:  Mine klaedebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuel klarlig
+huad ting mig best behof gioris, som er sandelig mad oc dricke:  Huorfor
+forbarme dig ofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig noguet, af huilcket ieg kand
+slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som mand Cerbero en suppe forsetter:
+Saa skalt du lefue laenge oc lycksalig.'  I think really, said Eusthenes,
+that the Goths spoke thus of old, and that, if it pleased God, we would all
+of us speak so with our tails.  Then again said Panurge:
+
+'Adon, scalom lecha:  im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah thithen li
+kikar lehem:  chanchat ub laah al Adonai cho nen ral.'  To which answered
+Epistemon, At this time have I understood him very well; for it is the
+Hebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced.  Then again said the gallant:
+
+'Despota tinyn panagathe, diati sy mi ouk artodotis? horas gar limo
+analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis oudamos, zetis de
+par emou ha ou chre.  Ke homos philologi pantes homologousi tote logous te
+ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote pragma afto pasi delon esti.  Entha gar
+anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri amphisbetoumen), me
+prosphoros epiphenete.'  What?  Said Carpalim, Pantagruel's footman, It is
+Greek, I have understood him.  And how? hast thou dwelt any while in
+Greece?  Then said the droll again:
+
+'Agonou dont oussys vous desdagnez algorou:  nou den farou zamist vous
+mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton dengoulhoust,
+daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou.  Agou paston tol
+nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou den bascrou
+noudous caguons goulfren goul oustaroppassou.'  (In this and the preceding
+speeches of Panurge, the Paris Variorum Edition of 1823 has been followed
+in correcting Urquhart's text, which is full of inaccuracies.--M.)
+Methinks I understand him, said Pantagruel; for either it is the language
+of my country of Utopia, or sounds very like it.  And, as he was about to
+have begun some purpose, the companion said:
+
+'Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque omnes obtestatus sum, ut si
+quae vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio
+clamans et ejulans.  Sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri impii, quo me fata vocant
+abire; nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores
+veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur.'
+Well, my friend, said Pantagruel, but cannot you speak French?  That I can
+do, sir, very well, said the companion, God be thanked.  It is my natural
+language and mother tongue, for I was born and bred in my younger years in
+the garden of France, to wit, Touraine.  Then, said Pantagruel, tell us
+what is your name, and from whence you are come; for, by my faith, I have
+already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of love towards you,
+that, if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my
+company, and you and I shall make up another couple of friends such as
+Aeneas and Achates were.  Sir, said the companion, my true and proper
+Christian name is Panurge, and now I come out of Turkey, to which country I
+was carried away prisoner at that time when they went to Metelin with a
+mischief.  And willingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are
+more wonderful than those of Ulysses were; but, seeing that it pleaseth you
+to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer, protesting
+never to leave you should you go to all the devils in hell.  We shall have
+therefore more leisure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein to
+report them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed;
+my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach fierce
+and burning, all is ready.  If you will but set me to work, it will be as
+good as a balsamum for sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it.  For God's
+sake, give order for it.  Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry
+him home and provide him good store of victuals; which being done, he ate
+very well that evening, and, capon-like, went early to bed; then slept
+until dinner-time the next day, so that he made but three steps and one
+leap from the bed to the board.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.X.
+
+How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a controversy, which was wonderfully
+obscure and difficult, that, by reason of his just decree therein, he was
+reputed to have a most admirable judgment.
+
+Pantagruel, very well remembering his father's letter and admonitions,
+would one day make trial of his knowledge.  Thereupon, in all the
+carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters, streets, and corners
+of the city, he set up conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven
+hundred sixty and four, in all manner of learning, touching in them the
+hardest doubts that are in any science.  And first of all, in the Fodder
+Street he held dispute against all the regents or fellows of colleges,
+artists or masters of arts, and orators, and did so gallantly that he
+overthrew them and set them all upon their tails.  He went afterwards to
+the Sorbonne, where he maintained argument against all the theologians or
+divines, for the space of six weeks, from four o'clock in the morning until
+six in the evening, except an interval of two hours to refresh themselves
+and take their repast.  And at this were present the greatest part of the
+lords of the court, the masters of requests, presidents, counsellors, those
+of the accompts, secretaries, advocates, and others; as also the sheriffs
+of the said town, with the physicians and professors of the canon law.
+Amongst which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn
+jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them
+that, for all their ergoes and fallacies, he put their backs to the wall,
+gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it visibly appear to the
+world that, compared to him, they were but monkeys and a knot of muffled
+calves.  Whereupon everybody began to keep a bustling noise and talk of his
+so marvellous knowledge, through all degrees of persons of both sexes, even
+to the very laundresses, brokers, roast-meat sellers, penknife makers, and
+others, who, when he passed along in the street, would say, This is he! in
+which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the prince of Greek orators, did,
+when an old crouching wife, pointing at him with her fingers, said, That is
+the man.
+
+Now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law depending in
+court between two great lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissbreech,
+plaintiff of one side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, defendant of the
+other; whose controversy was so high and difficult in law that the court of
+parliament could make nothing of it.  And therefore, by the commandment of
+the king, there were assembled four of the greatest and most learned of all
+the parliaments of France, together with the great council, and all the
+principal regents of the universities, not only of France, but of England
+also and Italy, such as Jason, Philippus Decius, Petrus de Petronibus, and
+a rabble of other old Rabbinists.  Who being thus met together, after they
+had thereupon consulted for the space of six-and-forty weeks, finding that
+they could not fasten their teeth in it, nor with such clearness understand
+the case as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or
+take up the difference betwixt the two aforesaid parties, it did so
+grievously vex them that they most villainously conshit themselves for
+shame.  In this great extremity one amongst them, named Du Douhet, the
+learnedest of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest, whilst
+one day they were thus at their wits' end, all-to-be-dunced and
+philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them, We have been here, my
+masters, a good long space, without doing anything else than trifle away
+both our time and money, and can nevertheless find neither brim nor bottom
+in this matter, for the more we study about it the less we understand
+therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a heavy burden to
+our consciences; yea, such that in my opinion we shall not rid ourselves of
+it without dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing
+but dote in our consultations.
+
+See, therefore, what I have thought upon.  You have heard much talking of
+that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be
+learned above the capacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in
+those great disputations which he held publicly against all men.  My
+opinion is, that we send for him to confer with him about this business;
+for never any man will encompass the bringing of it to an end if he do it
+not.
+
+Hereunto all the counsellors and doctors willingly agreed, and according to
+that their result having instantly sent for him, they entreated him to be
+pleased to canvass the process and sift it thoroughly, that, after a deep
+search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might forthwith
+make the report unto them such as he shall think good in true and legal
+knowledge.  To this effect they delivered into his hands the bags wherein
+were the writs and pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight
+were almost enough to lade four great couillard or stoned asses. But
+Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two lords between whom this debate and
+process is yet living?  It was answered him, Yes.  To what a devil, then,
+said he, serve so many paltry heaps and bundles of papers and copies which
+you give me?  Is it not better to hear their controversy from their own
+mouths whilst they are face to face before us, than to read these vile
+fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical cozenages
+of Cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of equity?  For I am sure
+that you, and all those through whose hands this process has passed, have
+by your devices added what you could to it pro et contra in such sort that,
+although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at
+first, you have obscured it and made it more intricate by the frivolous,
+sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and opinions of Accursius,
+Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin,
+Alexander, Curtius, and those other old mastiffs, who never understood the
+least law of the Pandects, they being but mere blockheads and great tithe
+calves, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the
+laws; for, as it is most certain, they had not the knowledge either of the
+Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Gothic and barbarian.  The laws,
+nevertheless, were first taken from the Greeks, according to the testimony
+of Ulpian, L. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by
+that all the laws are full of Greek words and sentences.  And then we find
+that they are reduced into a Latin style the most elegant and ornate that
+whole language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever
+wrote therein, nay, not of Sallust, Varro, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius,
+nor Quintilian.  How then could these old dotards be able to understand
+aright the text of the laws who never in their time had looked upon a good
+Latin book, as doth evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their style,
+which is fitter for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a scullion, than
+for a jurisconsult and doctor in the laws?
+
+Furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted out of the middle of moral and
+natural philosophy, how should these fools have understood it, that have,
+by G--, studied less in philosophy than my mule?  In respect of human
+learning and the knowledge of antiquities and history they were truly laden
+with those faculties as a toad is with feathers.  And yet of all this the
+laws are so full that without it they cannot be understood, as I intend
+more fully to show unto you in a peculiar treatise which on that purpose I
+am about to publish.  Therefore, if you will that I take any meddling in
+this process, first cause all these papers to be burnt; secondly, make the
+two gentlemen come personally before me, and afterwards, when I shall have
+heard them, I will tell you my opinion freely without any feignedness or
+dissimulation whatsoever.
+
+Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all
+companies there are more fools than wise men, and that the greater part
+always surmounts the better, as saith Titus Livius in speaking of the
+Carthaginians.  But the foresaid Du Douhet held the contrary opinion,
+maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming
+that these records, bills of inquest, replies, rejoinders, exceptions,
+depositions, and other such diableries of truth-entangling writs, were but
+engines wherewith to overthrow justice and unnecessarily to prolong such
+suits as did depend before them; and that, therefore, the devil would carry
+them all away to hell if they did not take another course and proceeded not
+in times coming according to the prescripts of evangelical and
+philosophical equity.  In fine, all the papers were burnt, and the two
+gentlemen summoned and personally convented.  At whose appearance before
+the court Pantagruel said unto them, Are you they that have this great
+difference betwixt you?  Yes, my lord, said they.  Which of you, said
+Pantagruel, is the plaintiff?  It is I, said my Lord Kissbreech.  Go to,
+then, my friend, said he, and relate your matter unto me from point to
+point, according to the real truth, or else, by cock's body, if I find you
+to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the head, and
+take it from off your shoulders to show others by your example that in
+justice and judgment men ought to speak nothing but the truth.  Therefore
+take heed you do not add nor impair anything in the narration of your case.
+Begin.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XI.
+
+How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel
+without an attorney.
+
+Then began Kissbreech in manner as followeth.  My lord, it is true that a
+good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell.  Be covered,
+Kissbreech, said Pantagruel.  Thanks to you, my lord, said the Lord
+Kissbreech; but to the purpose.  There passed betwixt the two tropics the
+sum of threepence towards the zenith and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the
+Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility of
+counterfeit gudgeons and shows without substance, by means of the babbling
+tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and
+Accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Switzers, who had
+assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons to go
+a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when
+they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coals to the
+country-girls for serving in of the oats to the dogs.  All the night long
+they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but
+despatch, both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed writs or letters, to
+wit, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boats; for the
+tailors and seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a
+goodly sagbut to cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with
+child of a potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the
+hay-bundle-makers.  But the physicians said that by the urine they
+could discern no manifest sign of the bustard's pace, nor how to eat
+double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen of the
+court should be pleased to give by B.mol express command to the pox not to
+run about any longer in gleaning up of coppersmiths and tinkers; for the
+jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the
+British jig called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in
+the fire, and their head in the middle, as goodman Ragot was wont to say.
+
+Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his
+pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his frisking whip,
+which was all the wind-instrument he had.  This was done at his return from
+the little paltry town, even then when Master Antitus of Cressplots was
+licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and blockishness,
+according to this sentence of the canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi
+stumblaverunt.  But that which makes Lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of
+Bry, is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost;
+yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great wind, and we must
+think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the matter so far above
+my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not with the benefit
+thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so orbicularly as they
+were wont in other things to do.  And we do manifestly see that everyone
+acknowledgeth himself to be in the error wherewith another hath been
+charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an
+ocular inspection in a perspective glass of these things towards the place
+in the chimney where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which
+have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels
+and pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years' respite.
+Howsoever, at least, he that would not let fly the fowl before the
+cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the
+memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing.  Well, God keep Theobald
+Mitain from all danger!  Then said Pantagruel, Hold there!  Ho, my friend,
+soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without putting yourself in
+choler.  I understand the case,--go on.  Now then, my lord, said
+Kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and audi nos, could
+not cover herself with a treacherous backblow, ascending by the wounds and
+passions of the privileges of the universities, unless by the virtue of a
+warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her body in covering
+them with a hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst
+(thrust) very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof the
+painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly to clap on
+shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like fly-fowls, so strange
+to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay, seeing
+it is so good to hatch.
+
+Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat,
+whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. Anthony's belly, doth it
+become thee to speak without command?  I sweat here with the extremity of
+labour and exceeding toil I take to understand the proceeding of your
+mutual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me.  Peace,
+in the devil's name, peace.  Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy bellyful
+when this man hath done, and no sooner.  Go on, said he to Kissbreech;
+speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much haste.
+
+I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical Sanction did make
+no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to everyone gave liberty to fart
+at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the liars were
+to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly
+sharpened at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the
+good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a
+solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes,
+which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for
+understanding the syntax and construction of old boots.  Therefore John
+Calf, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very
+seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging in
+the lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen clothes till first she had
+kindled the paper.  This counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her
+to take nothing and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia
+cadit.  Matters thus standing, seeing the masters of the chamber of
+accompts or members of that committee did not fully agree amongst
+themselves in casting up the number of the Almany whistles, whereof were
+framed those spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at
+Antwerp, I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ, and
+that the adverse party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis.  For
+that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, I armed
+myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good
+venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked
+and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to lecher it the better,
+and play at in and in.  And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming
+from the fair, in so far that many trained bowmen were cast at the muster
+and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, according to
+the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the malanders,
+which in the esteem of expert farriers is no better disease, or else the
+story of Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of
+a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha, and is not an authentic
+history.  And by this means there was that year great abundance, throughout
+all the country of Artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit
+of the gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without
+disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it
+again.  As for my own part, such is my Christian charity towards my
+neighbours, that I could wish from my heart everyone had as good a voice; it
+would make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon.  And truly, my
+lord, to express the real truth without dissimulation, I cannot but say that
+those petty subtle devices which are found out in the etymologizing of
+pattens would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for ever
+at the millers' bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by
+the king of the Canarians, according to the sentence or judgment given
+thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and records within the
+clerk's office of this house.
+
+And, therefore, my lord, I do most humbly require, that by your lordship
+there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with
+costs, damages, and interests.  Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this
+all you have to say?  Kissbreech answered, Yes, my lord, for I have told
+all the tu autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as
+one single word.  You then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, say what
+you will, and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that may
+serve to the purpose.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XII.
+
+How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel.
+
+Then began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth.  My lord, and you my
+masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in categorical judgment
+as we can discern flies in a milkpot, the world's four oxen had not been so
+eaten up with rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth been nibbled away
+so scurvily.  For although all that my adversary hath spoken be of a very
+soft and downy truth, in so much as concerns the letter and history of the
+factum, yet nevertheless the crafty slights, cunning subtleties, sly
+cozenages, and little troubling entanglements are hid under the rosepot,
+the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits.
+
+Should I endure that, when I am eating my pottage equal with the best, and
+that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill, they rudely
+come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with that antique proverb which
+saith,
+
+  Who in his pottage-eating drinks will not,
+  When he is dead and buried, see one jot.
+
+And, good lady, how many great captains have we seen in the day of battle,
+when in open field the sacrament was distributed in luncheons of the
+sanctified bread of the confraternity, the more honestly to nod their
+heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tails, to make pretty little
+platform leaps in keeping level by the ground?  But now the world is
+unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leicester.  One flies out
+lewdly and becomes debauched; another, likewise, five, four, and two, and
+that at such random that, if the court take not some course therein, it
+will make as bad a season in matter of gleaning this year as ever it made,
+or it will make goblets.  If any poor creature go to the stoves to
+illuminate his muzzle with a cowsherd or to buy winter-boots, and that the
+sergeants passing by, or those of the watch, happen to receive the
+decoction of a clyster or the fecal matter of a close-stool upon their
+rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any because of that
+make bold to clip the shillings and testers and fry the wooden dishes?
+Sometimes, when we think one thing, God does another; and when the sun is
+wholly set all beasts are in the shade.  Let me never be believed again, if
+I do not gallantly prove it by several people who have seen the light of
+the day.
+
+In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a middle-sized
+horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough and dyed in grain, as the
+goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put an &c. in it, I told really
+that I was not a clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the moon with my
+teeth; but, as for the butter-firkin where Vulcanian deeds and evidences
+were sealed, the rumour was, and the report thereof went current, that
+salt-beef will make one find the way to the wine without a candle, though it
+were hid in the bottom of a collier's sack, and that with his drawers on he
+were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such arms,
+thighs, and leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of
+a swaggering sauciness.  Here is a sheep's head, and it is well they make a
+proverb of this, that it is good to see black cows in burnt wood when one
+attains to the enjoyment of his love.  I had a consultation upon this point
+with my masters the clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum
+that there is nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away
+in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens, and penknives, of Lyons upon
+the river of Rhone, dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tut, prut, pish; for,
+incontinently after that armour begins to smell of garlic, the rust will go
+near to eat the liver, not of him that wears it, and then do they nothing
+else but withstand others' courses, and wryneckedly set up their bristles
+'gainst one another, in lightly passing over their afternoon's sleep, and
+this is that which maketh salt so dear. My lords, believe not when the said
+good woman had with birdlime caught the shoveler fowl, the better before a
+sergeant's witness to deliver the younger son's portion to him, that the
+sheep's pluck or hog's haslet did dodge and shrink back in the usurers'
+purses, or that there could be anything better to preserve one from the
+cannibals than to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turnips,
+and a little of a calf's chaldern of the best allay that the alchemists have
+provided, (and) that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and
+burn to dust these pantoufles, muff in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the
+fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in
+some petty mouldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon.  Now, if
+the dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambes-ace and the
+chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame,
+settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up drilletrille, there,
+there, toureloura la la; which when you have done, take a hearty draught of
+the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs, whose fair
+coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set apart for the little green geese or
+mewed goslings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight to sport themselves
+at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal and heating of the
+wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation.
+
+Very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and whereof
+mention was made, were somewhat short in memory.  Nevertheless, to
+understand the game aright, they feared neither the cormorant nor mallard
+of Savoy, which put the good people of my country in great hope that their
+children some time should become very skilful in algorism.  Therefore is
+it, that by a law rubric and special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail
+to take the wolf if we make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof
+somewhat was spoken by the plaintiff.  But the great devil did envy it, and
+by that means put the High Dutches far behind, who played the devils in
+swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink, mein herr, trink,
+trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch.
+For it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this
+saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable, and
+were they as copped and high-crested as marsh whoops, if veritably they did
+not sacrifice the printer's pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon
+them by text letters or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me,
+so that the headband of the book breed not moths or worms in it.  And put
+the case that, at the coupling together of the buckhounds, the little
+puppies shall have waxed proud before the notary could have given an
+account of the serving of his writ by the cabalistic art, it will
+necessarily follow, under correction of the better judgment of the court,
+that six acres of meadow ground of the greatest breadth will make three
+butts of fine ink, without paying ready money; considering that, at the
+funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for
+one and two, that is, deuce ace.  This I may affirm with a safe conscience,
+upon my oath of wool.
+
+And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, when they go to the
+counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three
+times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing
+but bend a crossbow backwards, and wind a horn, if perhaps it be too hot,
+and that, by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, immediately after the
+sight of the letters, the cows were restored to him.  Such another sentence
+after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth year, because
+of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the court
+to have regard.  I desire to be rightly understood; for truly, I say not
+but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well
+be dispossessed who drink holy water as one would do a weaver's shuttle,
+whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resign, but on the
+terms of ell and tell and giving of one thing for another.  Tunc, my lords,
+quid juris pro minoribus?  For the common custom of the Salic law is such,
+that the first incendiary or firebrand of sedition that flays the cow and
+wipes his nose in a full concert of music without blowing in the cobbler's
+stitches, should in the time of the nightmare sublimate the penury of his
+member by moss gathered when people are like to founder themselves at the
+mess at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white wines of Anjou that
+do the fear of the leg in lifting it by horsemen called the gambetta, and
+that neck to neck after the fashion of Brittany, concluding as before with
+costs, damages, and interests.
+
+After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of
+Kissbreech, My friend, have you a mind to make any reply to what is said?
+No, my lord, answered Kissbreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and
+nothing but the truth.  Therefore, put an end for God's sake to our
+difference, for we are here at great charge.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XIII.
+
+How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of the two lords.
+
+Then Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents, counsellors, and
+doctors that were there, and said unto them, Come now, my masters, you have
+heard vivae vocis oraculo, the controversy that is in question; what do you
+think of it?  They answered him, We have indeed heard it, but have not
+understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and therefore
+we beseech you, una voce, and in courtesy request you that you would give
+sentence as you think good, and, ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied
+with it, and do ratify it with our full consents.  Well, my masters, said
+Pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, I will do it; but I do not truly
+find the case so difficult as you make it.  Your paragraph Caton, the law
+Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the law Vinum, the law Si
+Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona, to the law Si quis, the law
+Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, the law Praetor, the law
+Venditor, and a great many others, are far more intricate in my opinion.
+After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding
+very profoundly, as one may think; for he did groan like an ass whilst they
+girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was
+bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or
+accepting of persons.  Then he returned, sat down, and began to pronounce
+sentence as followeth.
+
+Having seen, heard, calculated, and well considered of the difference
+between the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist, the court saith unto them,
+that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering, and hoariness of the
+flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by
+private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little
+unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and
+vexation of the beetles that inhabit the diarodal (diarhomal) climate of an
+hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards, the plaintiff
+truly had just cause to calfet, or with oakum to stop the chinks of the
+galleon which the good woman blew up with wind, having one foot shod and
+the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him, low and stiff in his
+conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild pistaches as there is of hair in
+eighteen cows, with as much for the embroiderer, and so much for that.  He
+is likewise declared innocent of the case privileged from the knapdardies,
+into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; because he could
+not jocundly and with fulness of freedom untruss and dung, by the decision
+of a pair of gloves perfumed with the scent of bum-gunshot at the
+walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his country of Mirebalais.  Slacking,
+therefore, the topsail, and letting go the bowline with the brazen bullets,
+wherewith the mariners did by way of protestation bake in pastemeat great
+store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse, whose hawk's-bells were made
+with a puntinaria, after the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace, and which
+his brother-in-law carried in a pannier, lying near to three chevrons or
+bordered gules, whilst he was clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen
+by the too narrow sifting, canvassing, and curious examining of the matter
+in the angularly doghole of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the
+vermiformal popinjay with the flap made of a foxtail.
+
+But in that he chargeth the defendant that he was a botcher, cheese-eater,
+and trimmer of man's flesh embalmed, which in the arsiversy swagfall tumble
+was not found true, as by the defendant was very well discussed.
+
+The court, therefore, doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of
+curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and
+codpieced after the fashion of the country, to be paid unto the said
+defendant about the middle of August in May.  But, on the other part, the
+defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping
+the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines
+garbled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause.
+
+Which sentence being pronounced, the two parties departed both contented
+with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible.  For it never came to
+pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees
+hereafter, that two parties contradictorily contending in judgment be
+equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence.  As for
+the counsellors and other doctors in the law that were there present, they
+were all so ravished with admiration at the more than human wisdom of
+Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so
+accurate decision of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their spirits
+with the extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch of
+actuating the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden
+ecstasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had
+been so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store of
+vinegar and rose-water to bring them again unto their former sense and
+understanding, for the which God be praised everywhere.  And so be it.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XIV.
+
+How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the
+Turks.
+
+The great wit and judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made
+known unto all the world by setting forth his praises in print, and putting
+upon record this late wonderful proof he hath given thereof amongst the
+rolls of the crown and registers of the palace, in such sort that everybody
+began to say that Solomon, who by a probable guess only, without any
+further certainty, caused the child to be delivered to its own mother,
+showed never in his time such a masterpiece of wisdom as the good
+Pantagruel hath done.  Happy are we, therefore, that have him in our
+country.  And indeed they would have made him thereupon master of the
+requests and president in the court; but he refused all, very graciously
+thanking them for their offer.  For, said he, there is too much slavery in
+these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them,
+considering the great corruption that is amongst men.  Which makes me
+believe, if the empty seats of angels be not filled with other kind of
+people than those, we shall not have the final judgment these seven
+thousand, sixty and seven jubilees yet to come, and so Cusanus will be
+deceived in his conjecture.  Remember that I have told you of it, and given
+you fair advertisement in time and place convenient.
+
+But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will accept of a
+present of that.  Which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the
+best that was in the city, and he drank reasonably well, but poor Panurge
+bibbed and boused of it most villainously, for he was as dry as a
+red-herring, as lean as a rake, and, like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked
+gingerly as if he had trod upon eggs.  So that by someone being admonished,
+in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowl full of excellent claret
+with these words--Fair and softly, gossip, you suck up as if you were mad
+--I give thee to the devil, said he; thou hast not found here thy little
+tippling sippers of Paris, that drink no more than the little bird called a
+spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beakful of liquor till they be
+bobbed on the tails after the manner of the sparrows.  O companion! if I
+could mount up as well as I can get down, I had been long ere this above
+the sphere of the moon with Empedocles.  But I cannot tell what a devil
+this means.  This wine is so good and delicious, that the more I drink
+thereof the more I am athirst.  I believe that the shadow of my master
+Pantagruel engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the moon doth the
+catarrhs and defluxions.  At which word the company began to laugh, which
+Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge, what is that which moves you to laugh
+so?  Sir, said he, I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very
+unhappy in that they never drink one drop of wine, and that though there
+were no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran, yet for this one base point of
+abstinence from wine which therein is commanded, I would not submit myself
+unto their law.  But now tell me, said Pantagruel, how you escaped out of
+their hands. By G--, sir, said Panurge, I will not lie to you in one word.
+
+The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbit,
+for I was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my flesh they would have made
+but very bad meat, and in this manner began to roast me alive.  As they
+were thus roasting me, I recommended myself unto the divine grace, having
+in my mind the good St. Lawrence, and always hoped in God that he would
+deliver me out of this torment.  Which came to pass, and that very
+strangely.  For as I did commit myself with all my heart unto God, crying,
+Lord God, help me!  Lord God, save me!  Lord God, take me out of this pain
+and hellish torture, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me for my
+sincerity in the maintenance of thy law!  The roaster or turnspit fell
+asleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue of some good Mercury, who
+cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes.  When I saw
+that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him, and perceived
+that he was fast asleep.  Then took I up in my teeth a firebrand by the end
+where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and another
+did I throw as well as I could under a field-couch that was placed near to
+the chimney, wherein was the straw-bed of my master turnspit.  Presently
+the fire took hold in the straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from
+the bed to the loft, which was planked and ceiled with fir, after the
+fashion of the foot of a lamp.  But the best was, that the fire which I had
+cast into the lap of my paltry roaster burnt all his groin, and was
+beginning to cease (seize) upon his cullions, when he became sensible of
+the danger, for his smelling was not so bad but that he felt it sooner than
+he could have seen daylight.  Then suddenly getting up, and in a great
+amazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets as high as he
+could, Dal baroth, dal baroth, dal baroth, which is as much to say as Fire,
+fire, fire.  Incontinently turning about, he came straight towards me to
+throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes
+wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing the cords from off my feet,
+when the master of the house hearing him cry Fire, and smelling the smoke
+from the very street where he was walking with some other Bashaws and
+Mustaphas, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to
+carry away his jewels.  Yet such was his rage, before he could well resolve
+how to go about it, that he caught the broach whereon I was spitted and
+therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died there for
+want of government or otherwise; for he ran him in with the spit a little
+above the navel, towards the right flank, till he pierced the third lappet
+of his liver, and the blow slanting upwards from the midriff or diaphragm,
+through which it had made penetration, the spit passed athwart the
+pericardium or capsule of his heart, and came out above at his shoulders,
+betwixt the spondyls or turning joints of the chine of the back and the
+left homoplat, which we call the shoulder-blade.
+
+True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawing the spit out of my body I
+fell to the ground near unto the andirons, and so by the fall took some
+hurt, which indeed had been greater, but that the lardons, or little slices
+of bacon wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow.  My Bashaw then seeing
+the case to be desperate, his house burnt without remission, and all his
+goods lost, gave himself over unto all the devils in hell, calling upon
+some of them by their names, Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, and Gribouillis,
+nine several times.  Which when I saw, I had above sixpence' worth of fear,
+dreading that the devils would come even then to carry away this fool, and,
+seeing me so near him, would perhaps snatch me up to.  I am already,
+thought I, half roasted, and my lardons will be the cause of my mischief;
+for these devils are very liquorous of lardons, according to the authority
+which you have of the philosopher Jamblicus, and Murmault, in the Apology
+of Bossutis, adulterated pro magistros nostros.  But for my better security
+I made the sign of the cross, crying, Hageos, athanatos, ho theos, and none
+came.  At which my rogue Bashaw being very much aggrieved would, in
+transpiercing his heart with my spit, have killed himself, and to that
+purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it
+was not sharp enough.  Whereupon I perceiving that he was not like to work
+upon his body the effect which he intended, although he did not spare all
+the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, Master
+Bugrino, thou dost here but trifle away thy time, or rashly lose it, for
+thou wilt never kill thyself thus as thou doest.  Well, thou mayst hurt or
+bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee languish all thy lifetime
+most pitifully amongst the hands of the chirurgeons; but if thou wilt be
+counselled by me, I will kill thee clear outright, so that thou shalt not
+so much as feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great many others,
+who have found themselves very well after it.  Ha, my friend, said he, I
+prithee do so, and for thy pains I will give thee my codpiece (budget);
+take, here it is, there are six hundred seraphs in it, and some fine
+diamonds and most excellent rubies.  And where are they? said Epistemon.
+By St. John, said Panurge, they are a good way hence, if they always keep
+going.  But where is the last year's snow?  This was the greatest care that
+Villon the Parisian poet took.  Make an end, said Pantagruel, that we may
+know how thou didst dress thy Bashaw.  By the faith of an honest man, said
+Panurge, I do not lie in one word.  I swaddled him in a scurvy
+swathel-binding which I found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied
+him roister-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able to
+wince; then passed my spit through his throat, and hanged him thereon,
+fastening the end thereof at two great hooks or crampirons, upon which they
+did hang their halberds; and then, kindling a fair fire under him, did flame
+you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney.  With this,
+taking his budget and a little javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I
+ran away a fair gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of
+mutton.
+
+When I was come down into the street, I found everybody come to put out the
+fire with store of water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did naturally
+pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which, by a most joyful
+refreshing of me, did me very much good.  Then did they present me with
+some victuals, but I could not eat much, because they gave me nothing to
+drink but water after their fashion.  Other hurt they did me none, only one
+little villainous Turkey knobbreasted rogue came thiefteously to snatch
+away some of my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdy thump and sound rap
+on the fingers with all the weight of my javelin, that he came no more the
+second time.  Shortly after this there came towards me a pretty young
+Corinthian wench, who brought me a boxful of conserves, of round Mirabolan
+plums, called emblicks, and looked upon my poor robin with an eye of great
+compassion, as it was flea-bitten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire
+from whence it came, for it reached no farther in length, believe me, than
+my knees.  But note that this roasting cured me entirely of a sciatica,
+whereunto I had been subject above seven years before, upon that side which
+my roaster by falling asleep suffered to be burnt.
+
+Now, whilst they were thus busy about me, the fire triumphed, never ask
+how?  For it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them
+espying cried out, saying, By Mahoom's belly, all the city is on fire, and
+we do nevertheless stand gazing here, without offering to make any relief.
+Upon this everyone ran to save his own; for my part, I took my way towards
+the gate.  When I was got upon the knap of a little hillock not far off, I
+turned me about as did Lot's wife, and, looking back, saw all the city
+burning in a fair fire, whereat I was so glad that I had almost beshit
+myself for joy.  But God punished me well for it.  How? said Pantagruel.
+Thus, said Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly fire,
+jesting with myself, and saying--Ha! poor flies, ha! poor mice, you will
+have a bad winter of it this year; the fire is in your reeks, it is in your
+bed-straw--out come more than six, yea, more than thirteen hundred and
+eleven dogs, great and small, altogether out of the town, flying away from
+the fire.  At the first approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by
+the scent of my lecherous half-roasted flesh, and had even then devoured me
+in a trice, if my good angel had not well inspired me with the instruction
+of a remedy very sovereign against the toothache.  And wherefore, said
+Pantagruel, wert thou afraid of the toothache or pain of the teeth?  Wert
+thou not cured of thy rheums?  By Palm Sunday, said Panurge, is there any
+greater pain of the teeth than when the dogs have you by the legs?  But on
+a sudden, as my good angel directed me, I thought upon my lardons, and
+threw them into the midst of the field amongst them.  Then did the dogs
+run, and fight with one another at fair teeth which should have the
+lardons.  By this means they left me, and I left them also bustling with
+and hairing one another.  Thus did I escape frolic and lively, gramercy
+roastmeat and cookery.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XV.
+
+How Panurge showed a very new way to build the walls of Paris.
+
+Pantagruel one day, to refresh himself of his study, went a-walking towards
+St. Marcel's suburbs, to see the extravagancy of the Gobeline building, and
+to taste of their spiced bread.  Panurge was with him, having always a
+flagon under his gown and a good slice of a gammon of bacon; for without
+this he never went, saying that it was as a yeoman of the guard to him, to
+preserve his body from harm.  Other sword carried he none; and, when
+Pantagruel would have given him one, he answered that he needed none, for
+that it would but heat his milt.  Yea but, said Epistemon, if thou shouldst
+be set upon, how wouldst thou defend thyself?  With great buskinades or
+brodkin blows, answered he, provided thrusts were forbidden.  At their
+return, Panurge considered the walls of the city of Paris, and in derision
+said to Pantagruel, See what fair walls here are!  O how strong they are,
+and well fitted to keep geese in a mew or coop to fatten them!  By my
+beard, they are competently scurvy for such a city as this is; for a cow
+with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them.  O my
+friend, said Pantagruel, dost thou know what Agesilaus said when he was
+asked why the great city of Lacedaemon was not enclosed with walls?  Lo
+here, said he, the walls of the city! in showing them the inhabitants and
+citizens thereof, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in military
+discipline; signifying thereby that there is no wall but of bones, and that
+towns and cities cannot have a surer wall nor better fortification than the
+prowess and virtue of the citizens and inhabitants.  So is this city so
+strong, by the great number of warlike people that are in it, that they
+care not for making any other walls.  Besides, whosoever would go about to
+wall it, as Strasbourg, Orleans, or Ferrara, would find it almost
+impossible, the cost and charges would be so excessive.  Yea but, said
+Panurge, it is good, nevertheless, to have an outside of stone when we are
+invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, Who is below there?  As for the
+enormous expense which you say would be needful for undertaking the great
+work of walling this city about, if the gentlemen of the town will be
+pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine, I will show them a pretty,
+strange, and new way, how they may build them good cheap.  How? said
+Pantagruel.  Do not speak of it then, answered Panurge, and I will tell it
+you.  I see that the sine quo nons, kallibistris, or contrapunctums of the
+women of this country are better cheap than stones.  Of them should the
+walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of architecture,
+and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards
+ridge-wise, like the back of an ass.  The middle-sized ones must be ranked
+next, and last of all the least and smallest.  This done, there must be a
+fine little interlacing of them, like points of diamonds, as is to be seen
+in the great tower of Bourges, with a like number of the nudinnudos,
+nilnisistandos, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in amongst the claustral
+codpieces.  What devil were able to overthrow such walls?  There is no metal
+like it to resist blows, in so far that, if culverin-shot should come to
+graze upon it, you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed
+fruit of the great pox as small as rain.  Beware, in the name of the devils,
+and hold off.  Furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon it.
+For why?  They are all either blest or consecrated.  I see but one
+inconveniency in it.  Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha! said Pantagruel, and what is that?
+It is, that the flies would be so liquorish of them that you would wonder,
+and would quickly gather there together, and there leave their ordure and
+excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled.  But see how that might be
+remedied:  they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with fair foxtails,
+or great good viedazes, which are ass-pizzles, of Provence.  And to this
+purpose I will tell you, as we go to supper, a brave example set down by
+Frater Lubinus, Libro de compotationibus mendicantium.
+
+In the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three days since, a
+poor lion, walking through the forest of Bieure, and saying his own little
+private devotions, passed under a tree where there was a roguish collier
+gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing the lion, cast his hatchet at him
+and wounded him enormously in one of his legs; whereupon the lion halting,
+he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forest
+to find help, that at last he met with a carpenter, who willingly looked
+upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with moss,
+telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the flies might not do
+their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for some yarrow or
+millefoil, commonly called the carpenter's herb.  The lion, being thus
+healed, walked along in the forest at what time a sempiternous crone and
+old hag was picking up and gathering some sticks in the said forest, who,
+seeing the lion coming towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in such
+sort that the wind blew up her gown, coats, and smock, even as far as above
+her shoulders; which the lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she
+had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you
+call it, said, O poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee?  Which words when
+he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him saying,
+Gossip Reynard, hau, hither, hither, and for cause!  When the fox was come,
+he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they have hurt this good woman here
+between the legs most villainously, and there is a manifest solution of
+continuity.  See how great a wound it is, even from the tail up to the
+navel, in measure four, nay full five handfuls and a half.  This is the
+blow of a hatchet, I doubt me; it is an old wound, and therefore, that the
+flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard, I prithee, both
+within and without; thou hast a good tail, and long.  Wipe, my friend,
+wipe, I beseech thee, and in the meanwhile I will go get some moss to put
+into it; for thus ought we to succour and help one another.  Wipe it hard,
+thus, my friend; wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped,
+otherwise the party cannot be at ease.  Go to, wipe well, my little gossip,
+wipe; God hath furnished thee with a tail; thou hast a long one, and of a
+bigness proportionable; wipe hard, and be not weary.  A good wiper, who, in
+wiping continually, wipeth with his wipard, by wasps shall never be
+wounded.  Wipe, my pretty minion; wipe, my little bully; I will not stay
+long.  Then went he to get store of moss; and when he was a little way off,
+he cried out in speaking to the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe,
+and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little gossip; I will put
+thee into service to be wiper to Don Pedro de Castile; wipe, only wipe, and
+no more.  The poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within
+and without; but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist that she stunk
+like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great deal of ill ease,
+for he knew not to what side to turn himself to escape the unsavoury
+perfume of this old woman's postern blasts.  And whilst to that effect he
+was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the annoyance
+of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that behind there was yet another hole,
+not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and
+infectious air.  The lion at last returned, bringing with him of moss more
+than eighteen packs would hold, and began to put into the wound with a
+staff which he had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full
+sixteen packs and a half, at which he was amazed.  What a devil! said he,
+this wound is very deep; it would hold above two cartloads of moss.  The
+fox, perceiving this, said unto the lion, O gossip lion, my friend, I pray
+thee do not put in all thy moss there; keep somewhat, for there is yet here
+another little hole, that stinks like five hundred devils; I am almost
+choked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and empoisoning.
+
+Thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed to some for
+wiping of them.  Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the privy
+parts of women are at such a cheap rate?  For in this city there are many
+virtuous, honest, and chaste women besides the maids.  Et ubi prenus? said
+Panurge.  I will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and
+assured knowledge.  I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hundred and
+seventeen since I came into this city, though it be but nine days ago; but
+this very morning I met with a good fellow, who, in a wallet such as
+Aesop's was, carried two little girls of two or three years old at the
+most, one before and the other behind.  He demanded alms of me, but I made
+him answer that I had more cods than pence.  Afterwards I asked him, Good
+man, these two girls, are they maids?  Brother, said he, I have carried
+them thus these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom I see
+continually, in my opinion she is a virgin, nevertheless I will not put my
+finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say
+nothing.
+
+Indeed, said Pantagruel, thou art a gentle companion; I will have thee to
+be apparelled in my livery.  And therefore caused him to be clothed most
+gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that Panurge would
+have the codpiece of his breeches three foot long, and in shape square, not
+round; which was done, and was well worth the seeing.  Oftentimes was he
+wont to say, that the world had not yet known the emolument and utility
+that is in wearing great codpieces; but time would one day teach it them,
+as all things have been invented in time.  God keep from hurt, said he, the
+good fellow whose long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life!  God keep
+from hurt him whose long braguet hath been worth to him in one day one
+hundred threescore thousand and nine crowns!  God keep from hurt him who by
+his long braguet hath saved a whole city from dying by famine!  And, by G-,
+I will make a book of the commodity of long braguets when I shall have more
+leisure.  And indeed he composed a fair great book with figures, but it is
+not printed as yet that I know of.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XVI.
+
+Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge.
+
+Panurge was of a middle stature, not too high nor too low, and had somewhat
+an aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor.  He was at that time
+five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden
+dagger--for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher--he was a very
+gallant and proper man of his person, only that he was a little lecherous,
+and naturally subject to a kind of disease which at that time they called
+lack of money--it is an incomparable grief, yet, notwithstanding, he had
+three score and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most
+honourable and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining
+and filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cozener, drinker, roister,
+rover, and a very dissolute and debauched fellow, if there were any in
+Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most virtuous man
+in the world; and he was still contriving some plot, and devising mischief
+against the sergeants and the watch.
+
+At one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters and roaring
+boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them
+till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the college of Navarre, and,
+at the hour that the watch was coming up that way--which he knew by putting
+his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and, when he heard his
+sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that
+instant--then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and gave
+it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so
+overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other
+side; for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and
+turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det.
+
+At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to
+pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they went along,
+set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had
+in running away, thinking that St. Anthony's fire had caught them by the
+legs.  As for the poor masters of arts, he did persecute them above all
+others.  When he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not
+never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit
+of a fried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little
+foxtails or hares'-ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank.  One
+day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder Street (Sorbonne),
+he made a Borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly compound, made of store of
+garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs' turds very warm, which he
+steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt matter of pocky boils and
+pestiferous botches; and, very early in the morning therewith anointed all
+the pavement, in such sort that the devil could not have endured it, which
+made all these good people there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was
+upon their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox;
+and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers,
+eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox, but he did not
+care a button for it.  He commonly carried a whip under his gown, wherewith
+he whipped without remission the pages whom he found carrying wine to their
+masters, to make them mend their pace.  In his coat he had above six and
+twenty little fobs and pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a
+little knife as sharp as a glover's needle, wherewith he used to cut
+purses; another with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the
+eyes of those he met; another with clotburrs, penned with little geese' or
+capon's feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people,
+and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the city,
+sometimes all their life.  Very often, also, upon the women's French hoods
+would he stick in the hind part somewhat made in the shape of a man's
+member.  In another, he had a great many little horns full of fleas and
+lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them
+with small canes or quills to write with into the necks of the daintiest
+gentlewomen that he could find, yea, even in the church, for he never
+seated himself above in the choir, but always sat in the body of the church
+amongst the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon.  In another, he
+used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he would couple men
+and women together that sat in company close to one another, but especially
+those that wore gowns of crimson taffeties, that, when they were about to
+go away, they might rend all their gowns.  In another, he had a squib
+furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other
+tackling necessary for it.  In another, two or three burning glasses,
+wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the church put
+them quite out of countenance; for he said that there was but an
+antistrophe, or little more difference than of a literal inversion, between
+a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse, that is, foolish at the mass
+and of a pliant buttock.
+
+In another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a
+thousand little devilish pranks.  One time, at the entry of the palace unto
+the great hall, where a certain grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to
+the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his vestments, but
+in the accoutring of him he sewed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his
+gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself when the said lords of the court
+or counsellors came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the Ite,
+missa est, that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice,
+as the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt,
+which were well sewed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the
+very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his
+Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine.  And the friar
+still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself and lay
+open his back parts, till one of the lords of the court said, How now!
+what's the matter?  Will this fair father make us here an offering of his
+tail to kiss it?  Nay, St. Anthony's fire kiss it for us!  From thenceforth
+it was ordained that the poor fathers should never disrobe themselves any
+more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call
+it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the
+sin of longing and disordinate desire.  The people then asked why it was
+the friars had so long and large genitories?  The said Panurge resolved the
+problem very neatly, saying, That which makes asses to have such great ears
+is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliaco mentioneth
+in his Suppositions.  By the like reason, that which makes the genitories
+or generation-tools of those so fair fraters so long is, for that they wear
+no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly member, having no
+impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can reach, with a
+wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as women carry their paternoster beads.
+and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is, that in
+this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said
+member.  For, according to the Legists, agitation and continual motion is
+cause of attraction.
+
+Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-alum,
+whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to
+be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some
+would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like
+a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor.  Others, again, ran
+about the streets, and he would run after them.  To such as were in the
+stripping vein he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and
+cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man.
+
+Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, wherewith,
+when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he would grease,
+smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of
+touching them, saying, This is good cloth; this is good satin; good
+taffeties!  Madam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth!  You
+have a new suit, pretty sir;--and you a new gown, sweet mistress;--God give
+you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity!  And with this would lay
+his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was
+left behind, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soul, body,
+and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away.
+Then, upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall,
+for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your
+foot, you will quite spoil yourself.
+
+Another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized.  In that
+powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had
+stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away a louse from
+off her bosom which he had put there himself, and, when he came into the
+company of some good ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of some
+fine workmanship of bone-lace, then immediately put his hand into their
+bosom, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and
+then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here
+is, it is of Foutignan or of Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose,
+made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing.  In the meanwhile he would
+fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart,
+Panurge?  No, no, madam, said he, I do but tune my tail to the plain song
+of the music which you make with your nose.  In another he had a picklock,
+a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewith there
+was no door nor coffer which he would not pick open.  He had another full
+of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his
+fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had
+heretofore cried treacle.  And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any
+other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox if
+Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six or
+seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without making
+any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the
+wind.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XVII.
+
+How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit
+in law which he had at Paris.
+
+One day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic, and
+silent; which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto
+him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomy,
+and I know the disease.  You have a flux in your purse; but take no care.
+I have yet sevenpence halfpenny that never saw father nor mother, which
+shall not be wanting, no more than the pox, in your necessity.  Whereunto
+he answered me, Well, well; for money one day I shall have but too much,
+for I have a philosopher's stone which attracts money out of men's purses
+as the adamant doth iron.  But will you go with me to gain the pardons?
+said he.  By my faith, said I, I am no great pardon-taker in this world--if
+I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell; yet let us go, in God's
+name; it is but one farthing more or less; But, said he, lend me then a
+farthing upon interest.  No, no, said I; I will give it you freely, and
+from my heart.  Grates vobis dominos, said he.
+
+So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons at the
+first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me.  Then did I
+say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them
+all at the boxes, and always gave money to everyone of the pardoners.  From
+thence we went to Our Lady's Church, to St. John's, to St. Anthony's, and
+so to the other churches, where there was a banquet (bank) of pardons.  For
+my part, I gained no more of them, but he at all the boxes kissed the
+relics, and gave at everyone.  To be brief, when we were returned, he
+brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve
+of his little bags full of money, at which I blessed myself, and made the
+sign of the cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so
+little time?  Unto which he answered me that he had taken it out of the
+basins of the pardons.  For in giving them the first farthing, said he, I
+put it in with such sleight of hand and so dexterously that it appeared to
+be a threepence; thus with one hand I took threepence, ninepence, or
+sixpence at the least, and with the other as much, and so through all the
+churches where we have been.  Yea but, said I, you damn yourself like a
+snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person.  True, said he, in
+your opinion, but I am not of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it,
+when they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies,
+that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken
+according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future tense instead of
+the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, Dilige.
+Even so, when the pardon-bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning
+is, Centuplum accipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound
+it, and all the Massorets, et ibi Bartholus.  Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me
+fifteen hundred francs of yearly pension, which in English money is a
+hundred and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical revenues and treasure,
+for having cured him of a cankerous botch, which did so torment him that he
+thought to have been a cripple by it all his life.  Thus I do pay myself at
+my own hand, for otherwise I get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical
+treasure.  Ho, my friend! said he, if thou didst know what advantage I
+made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Pope's bull of the crusade,
+thou wouldst wonder exceedingly.  It was worth to me above six thousand
+florins, in English coin six hundred pounds.  And what a devil is become of
+them? said I; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny.  They returned
+from whence they came, said he; they did no more but change their master.
+
+But I employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three hundred
+pounds English, in marrying--not young virgins, for they find but too many
+husbands--but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much as one
+tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had that these
+good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at
+the close-buttock game to all comers, serving the foremost first, till no
+man would have any more dealing with them.  And, by G--, I will have their
+skin-coat shaken once yet before they die.  By this means, to one I gave a
+hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according
+to that they were infamous, detestable, and abominable.  For, by how much
+the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs
+have given them, otherwise the devil would not have jummed them.  Presently
+I went to some great and fat wood-porter, or such like, and did myself make
+the match.  But, before I did show him the old hags, I made a fair muster
+to him of the crowns, saying, Good fellow, see what I will give thee if
+thou wilt but condescend to duffle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good
+time.  Then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules, and I caused to
+be provided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of
+spiceries, to put the old women in rut and heat of lust.  To be short, they
+occupied all, like good souls; only, to those that were horribly ugly and
+ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their
+face.
+
+Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law.  And what
+lawsuits couldst thou have? said I; thou hast neither house nor lands.  My
+friend, said he, the gentlewomen of this city had found out, by the
+instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mounted bands and
+neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosoms that men
+could no more put their hands under.  For they had put the slit behind, and
+those neckcloths were wholly shut before, whereat the poor sad
+contemplative lovers were much discontented.  Upon a fair Tuesday I
+presented a petition to the court, making myself a party against the said
+gentlewomen, and showing the great interest that I pretended therein,
+protesting that by the same reason I would cause the codpiece of my
+breeches to be sewed behind, if the court would not take order for it.  In
+sum, the gentlewomen put in their defences, showing the grounds they went
+upon, and constituted their attorney for the prosecuting of the cause.  But
+I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the court it was
+decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer worn if they were not a
+little cleft and open before; but it cost me a good sum of money.  I had
+another very filthy and beastly process against the dung-farmer called
+Master Fifi and his deputies, that they should no more read privily the
+pipe, puncheon, nor quart of sentences, but in fair full day, and that in
+the Fodder schools, in face of the Arrian (Artitian) sophisters, where I
+was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the
+relation of the sergeant.  Another time I framed a complaint to the court
+against the mules of the presidents, counsellors, and others, tending to
+this purpose, that, when in the lower court of the palace they left them to
+champ on their bridles, some bibs were made for them (by the counsellors'
+wives), that with their drivelling they might not spoil the pavement; to
+the end that the pages of the palace what play upon it with their dice, or
+at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches
+at the knees.  And for this I had a fair decree, but it cost me dear.  Now
+reckon up what expense I was at in little banquets which from day to day I
+made to the pages of the palace.  And to what end? said I.  My friend, said
+he, thou hast no pastime at all in this world.  I have more than the king,
+and if thou wilt join thyself with me, we will do the devil together.  No,
+no, said I; by St. Adauras, that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one
+time or another.  And thou, said he, wilt be interred some time or other.
+Now which is most honourable, the air or the earth?  Ho, grosse pecore!
+
+Whilst the pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to
+someone I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it hang but by
+a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffguts of the counsellor or
+some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side
+like a pork, and so furnish the spectators with more than a hundred francs'
+worth of laughter.  But I laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming
+the master-page is to be whipped like green rye, which makes me not to
+repent what I have bestowed in feasting them.  In brief, he had, as I said
+before, three score and three ways to acquire money, but he had two hundred
+and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XVIII.
+
+How a great scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and
+was overcome by Panurge.
+
+In that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast, hearing the fame
+and renown of Pantagruel's incomparable knowledge, came out of his own
+country of England with an intent only to see him, to try thereby and prove
+whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be.  In
+this resolution being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the house of
+the said Pantagruel, who was lodged in the palace of St. Denis, and was
+then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge, philosophizing after the
+fashion of the Peripatetics.  At his first entrance he startled, and was
+almost out of his wits for fear, seeing him so great and so tall.  Then did
+he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, Very true it
+is, saith Plato the prince of philosophers, that if the image and knowledge
+of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it would stir
+up all the world to admire her.  Which we may the rather believe that the
+very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, if it happen to be received
+into the ears of men, who, for being studious and lovers of virtuous things
+are called philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet,
+but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the place where
+the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her temple
+and uttered her oracles.  As it was manifestly shown unto us in the Queen
+of Sheba, who came from the utmost borders of the East and Persian Sea, to
+see the order of Solomon's house and to hear his wisdom; in Anacharsis, who
+came out of Scythia, even unto Athens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who
+travelled far to visit the memphitical vaticinators; in Plato, who went a
+great way off to see the magicians of Egypt, and Architus of Tarentum; in
+Apollonius Tyaneus, who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along
+the Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indians, and sailed over the great river
+Phison, even to the Brachmans to see Hiarchus; as likewise unto Babylon,
+Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, Syria, Phoenicia, Arabia, Palestina, and
+Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the Gymnosophists.  The like
+example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see and hear divers studious
+persons came to Rome from the confines of France and Spain.  I dare not
+reckon myself in the number of those so excellent persons, but well would
+be called studious, and a lover, not only of learning, but of learned men
+also.  And indeed, having heard the report of your so inestimable
+knowledge, I have left my country, my friends, my kindred, and my house,
+and am come thus far, valuing at nothing the length of the way, the
+tediousness of the sea, nor strangeness of the land, and that only to see
+you and to confer with you about some passages in philosophy, of geomancy,
+and of the cabalistic art, whereof I am doubtful and cannot satisfy my
+mind; which if you can resolve, I yield myself unto you for a slave
+henceforward, together with all my posterity, for other gift have I none
+that I can esteem a recompense sufficient for so great a favour.  I will
+reduce them into writing, and to-morrow publish them to all the learned men
+in the city, that we may dispute publicly before them.
+
+But see in what manner I mean that we shall dispute.  I will not argue pro
+et contra, as do the sottish sophisters of this town and other places.
+Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academics by
+declamation; nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as Picus
+de la Mirandula did of late at Rome.  But I will dispute by signs only
+without speaking, for the matters are so abstruse, hard, and arduous, that
+words proceeding from the mouth of man will never be sufficient for
+unfolding of them to my liking.  May it, therefore, please your
+magnificence to be there; it shall be at the great hall of Navarre at seven
+o'clock in the morning.  When he had spoken these words, Pantagruel very
+honourably said unto him:  Sir, of the graces that God hath bestowed upon
+me, I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power.  For whatever
+comes from him is good, and his pleasure is that it should be increased
+when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial manna of
+honest literature.  In which number, because that in this time, as I do
+already very plainly perceive, thou holdest the first rank, I give thee
+notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every
+one of thy requests according to my poor ability; although I ought rather
+to learn of thee than thou of me.  But, as thou hast protested, we will
+confer of these doubts together, and will seek out the resolution, even
+unto the bottom of that undrainable well where Heraclitus says the truth
+lies hidden.  And I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast
+proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; for by this means thou and I
+shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this
+clapping of hands which these blockish sophisters make when any of the
+arguers hath gotten the better of the argument.  Now to-morrow I will not
+fail to meet thee at the place and hour that thou hast appointed, but let
+me entreat thee that there be not any strife or uproar between us, and that
+we seek not the honour and applause of men, but the truth only.  To which
+Thaumast answered:  The Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace, and,
+instead of my thankfulness to you, pour down his blessings upon you, for
+that your highness and magnificent greatness hath not disdained to descend
+to the grant of the request of my poor baseness.  So farewell till
+to-morrow!  Farewell, said Pantagruel.
+
+Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men
+were more elevated and transported in their thoughts than all this night
+were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast said to the keeper
+of the house of Cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his life he had
+never known himself so dry as he was that night.  I think, said he, that
+Pantagruel held me by the throat.  Give order, I pray you, that we may have
+some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle my
+palate.  On the other side, Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he
+could, entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all
+that night but dote upon and turn over the book of Beda, De numeris et
+signis; Plotin's book, De inenarrabilibus; the book of Proclus, De magia;
+the book of Artemidorus peri Oneirokritikon; of Anaxagoras, peri Zemeion;
+Dinarius, peri Aphaton; the books of Philiston; Hipponax, peri
+Anekphoneton, and a rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him:
+
+My lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive your
+spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may
+easily fall into some quotidian fever with this so excessive thinking and
+plodding.  But, having first drunk five and twenty or thirty good draughts,
+retire yourself and sleep your fill, for in the morning I will argue
+against and answer my master the Englishman, and if I drive him not ad
+metam non loqui, then call me knave.  Yea but, said he, my friend Panurge,
+he is marvellously learned; how wilt thou be able to answer him?  Very
+well, answered Panurge; I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone.
+Is any man so learned as the devils are?  No, indeed, said Pantagruel,
+without God's especial grace.  Yet for all that, said Panurge, I have
+argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid
+them so squat upon their tails that I have made them look like monkeys.
+Therefore be assured that to-morrow I will make this vain-glorious
+Englishman to skite vinegar before all the world.  So Panurge spent the
+night with tippling amongst the pages, and played away all the points of
+his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point, in French called La
+Vergette.  Yet, when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to
+conduct his master Pantagruel to the appointed place, unto which, believe
+me, there was neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking with
+themselves that this devilish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished
+in dispute all these doting fresh-water sophisters, would now get full
+payment and be tickled to some purpose.  For this Englishman is a terrible
+bustler and horrible coil-keeper.  We will see who will be conqueror, for
+he never met with his match before.
+
+Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then, when
+Pantagruel and Panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys, professors
+of arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap their hands, as
+their scurvy custom is.  But Pantagruel cried out with a loud voice, as if
+it had been the sound of a double cannon, saying, Peace, with a devil to
+you, peace!  By G--, you rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut off the
+heads of everyone of you.  At which words they remained all daunted and
+astonished like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although
+they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers.  Withal they grew so dry
+with this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half foot
+beyond their mouths, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats.  Then
+began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you come hither
+to dispute contentiously in those propositions you have set down, or,
+otherwise, but to learn and know the truth?  To which answered Thaumast,
+Sir, no other thing brought me hither but the great desire I had to learn
+and to know that of which I have doubted all my life long, and have neither
+found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts
+which I have proposed.  And, as for disputing contentiously, I will not do
+it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish
+sophisters who in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for
+contradiction only and debate.  Then said Panurge, If I, who am but a mean
+and inconsiderable disciple of my master my lord Pantagruel, content and
+satisfy you in all and everything, it were a thing below my said master
+wherewith to trouble him.  Therefore is it fitter that he be chairman, and
+sit as a judge and moderator of our discourse and purpose, and give you
+satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your
+expectation.  Truly, said Thaumast, it is very well said; begin then.  Now
+you must note that Panurge had set at the end of his long codpiece a pretty
+tuft of red silk, as also of white, green, and blue, and within it had put
+a fair orange.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XIX.
+
+How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman that argued by signs.
+
+Everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence, the
+Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching
+in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner which, a la
+Chinonnese, they call the hen's arse, and struck the one hand on the other
+by the nails four several times.  Then he, opening them, struck the one
+with the flat of the other till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only
+once.  Again, in joining them as before, he struck twice, and afterwards
+four times in opening them.  Then did he lay them joined, and extended the
+one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers
+unto God.  Panurge suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put
+the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four
+fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of
+his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a
+profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids.  Then lifted he up his
+left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his four fingers and
+elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the
+situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a half
+between them.  This done, in the same form he abased towards the ground
+about the one and the other hand.  Lastly, he held them in the midst, as
+aiming right at the Englishman's nose.  And if Mercury,--said the
+Englishman.  There Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken,
+Mask.
+
+Then made the Englishman this sign.  His left hand all open he lifted up
+into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof,
+and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose.
+Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased
+and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where
+the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four
+right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air.  Then contrarily he did with
+the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he
+had done with the right.
+
+Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his
+trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a
+truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of
+black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the
+fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made
+such a noise as the lepers of Brittany use to do with their clappering
+clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his
+tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking
+fixedly upon the Englishman.  The divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that
+were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the
+Englishman was a leper.  The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists
+conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal
+felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore.
+
+The Englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two
+hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three
+master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or
+foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained
+extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge.  Then
+joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little
+finger touched the right.  Hereat Panurge, without speaking one word, lift
+up his hands and made this sign.
+
+He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the thumb
+of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and
+of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the
+forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of
+the left hand.  Then stretched he out the forefinger and middle finger or
+medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and
+thrusting them towards Thaumast.  Then did he put the thumb of his left
+hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the
+wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way
+and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his
+right eye.  Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and
+made him this sign.
+
+With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of
+the palm or pulp which is under the thumb.  Then put he the forefinger of
+the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and not
+over, as Panurge did.  Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, and
+blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the
+overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out.  Then held he
+out his chin, most intentively looking upon Thaumast.  The people there,
+which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein he
+demanded, without speaking a word to Thaumast, What do you mean by that?
+In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the
+spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation.  Then he
+bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of
+his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with
+this sign lift up his hands as high as he could.  Whereupon Panurge
+presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little
+finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his
+teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower.  With this
+Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising
+let a great baker's fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very
+strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell.  The company began to
+stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and
+perplexity.  Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort
+that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left
+hand he laid flat upon his breast.  Whereat Panurge drew out his long
+codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding
+it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange,
+and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the
+fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to
+shake his fair codpiece, showing it to Thaumast.
+
+After that, Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a
+bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig's bladder.  Whereupon
+Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called
+St. Patrick's hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner
+as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth.  This
+done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it,
+making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the
+superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs,
+and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing
+like a goose.  Then Panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his
+mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out,
+and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the
+pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an alder-tree, and
+he did it nine times.
+
+Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my masters, a great secret!  With this he put
+in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he had, holding it
+by the point downwards.  Whereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and shook
+it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands entwined
+in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far as he was
+able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die.
+Ha, I understand, said Thaumast, but what? making such a sign that he put
+the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the
+flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers.  Whereat
+Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle finger into
+his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright.  Then he crossed his two
+arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he
+struck his right foot against the ground.  Then he lift up his left arm,
+and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb against his
+forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast.  But
+Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the
+top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand, whereupon Panurge set
+his two master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as
+he was able, and widening it so that he showed all his teeth, and with his
+two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making therewith a very
+ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the company.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XX.
+
+How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge.
+
+Then Panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the
+said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were
+there:  My lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may I to some good
+purpose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce plus quam Salomon hic!  You
+have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord
+Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very
+heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in
+magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which I had
+in my mind.  But at present I am angry even with fame itself, which I think
+was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the
+worth that indeed is in him.  You have seen how his disciple only hath
+satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him.  Besides, he hath
+opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure
+you he hath to me discovered the very true well, fountain, and abyss of the
+encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that I did not think I
+should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear in so
+much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signs,
+without speaking either word or half word.  But, in fine, I will reduce
+into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not
+take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed,
+that everyone may learn as I have done.  Judge, then, what the master had
+been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est
+discipulus super magistrum.  Howsoever, God be praised! and I do very
+humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act.  God
+reward you for it eternally!  The like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the
+company, and, going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner with him,
+and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the
+phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age they made fast their
+bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or jerkins),
+even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came.  Blessed
+Lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck, as we say, at the kid's leather!
+And flagons to trot, and they to toot, Draw; give, page, some wine here;
+reach hither; fill with a devil, so!  There was not one but did drink five
+and twenty or thirty pipes.  Can you tell how?  Even sicut terra sine aqua;
+for the weather was hot, and, besides that, they were very dry.  In matter
+of the exposition of the propositions set down by Thaumast, and the
+signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, I would
+have set them down for you according to their own relation, but I have been
+told that Thaumast made a great book of it, imprinted at London, wherein he
+hath set down all, without omitting anything, and therefore at this time I
+do pass by it.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXI.
+
+How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris.
+
+Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of Paris by means of
+this disputation wherein he prevailed against the Englishman, and from
+thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful to him.  To which effect he
+had it pinked with pretty little embroideries after the Romanesca fashion.
+And the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song made
+of him, which little children did use to sing when they were to fetch
+mustard.  He was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and
+gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to
+bring to his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city.  And, indeed,
+leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily
+these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never meddle with the
+flesh, one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great benefit to
+the commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and
+necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my race, and
+believe it, for experience will teach it you.  The lady at this word thrust
+him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for
+you to talk thus unto me?  Whom do you think you have in hand?  Begone,
+never to come in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, I would have
+your legs and arms cut off.  Well, said he, that were all one to me, to
+want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout together
+at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is--in showing her his long
+codpiece--Master John Thursday, who will play you such an antic that you
+shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow of your bones.  He
+is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the corners,
+creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there
+needs no broom, he'll sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his
+followers to work upon.  Whereunto the lady answered, Go, villain, go.  If
+you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out and make you to be
+knocked down with blows.  Ha, said he, you are not so bad as you say--no,
+or else I am deceived in your physiognomy.  For sooner shall the earth
+mount up unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend unto the hells,
+and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that in so great
+beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of gall or
+malice.  They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman
+that is not also stubborn.  Yet that is spoke only of those vulgar
+beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I
+believe nature hath given it you as a paragon and masterpiece of her art,
+to make us know what she can do when she will employ all her skill and all
+her power.  There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and
+celestial manna.  To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the
+golden apple, not to Venus, no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for never was
+there so much magnificence in Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so much
+comeliness in Venus as there is in you.  O heavenly gods and goddesses!
+How happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace
+her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers!  By G--, that shall be I,
+I know it well; for she loves me already her bellyful, I am sure of it, and
+so was I predestinated to it by the fairies.  And therefore, that we lose
+no time, put on, thrust out your gammons!--and would have embraced her, but
+she made as if she would put out her head at the window to call her
+neighbours for help.  Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running
+away said, Madam, stay here till I come again; I will go call them myself;
+do not you take so much pains.  Thus went he away, not much caring for the
+repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it.  The next
+day he came to the church at the time she went to mass.  At the door he
+gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low before her.
+Afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her, Madam,
+know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss nor dung for love.
+I do not know, lady, what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it,
+how much you would be to blame!  Go, said she, go!  I do not care; let me
+alone to say my prayers.  Ay but, said he, equivocate upon this:  a beau
+mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts.  I cannot, said she.
+It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. . .the pr. .
+.mounts.  And upon this, pray to God to give you that which your noble
+heart desireth, and I pray you give me these paternosters.  Take them, said
+she, and trouble me no longer.  This done, she would have taken off her
+paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called cestrin, and
+adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his
+knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst he was going
+away to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, Will you have my knife?
+No, no, said she.  But, said he, to the purpose.  I am at your commandment,
+body and goods, tripes and bowels.
+
+In the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want of her
+paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance
+by in the church; then thought with herself, This bold flouting roister is
+some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a strange country.  I shall
+never recover my paternosters again.  What will my husband say?  He will no
+doubt be angry with me.  But I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off
+from my hands in the church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end
+of the ribbon left at my girdle.  After dinner Panurge went to see her,
+carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called
+counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you
+me, or I you?  Whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for,
+as God commands, I love all the world.  But to the purpose, said he; are
+not you in love with me?  I have, said she, told you so many times already
+that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again I will
+teach you that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly.  Get you hence
+packing, and deliver me my paternosters, that my husband may not ask me for
+them.
+
+How now, madam, said he, your paternosters?  Nay, by mine oath, I will not
+do so, but I will give you others.  Had you rather have them of gold well
+enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or,
+otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them
+of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine
+turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine sapphires, or of baleu
+rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight and twenty squares?  No, no,
+all this is too little.  I know a fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked
+with spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an
+orange.  It will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats.  I will
+make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough,--and withal he made
+a noise with his counters, as if they had been French crowns.
+
+Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson
+dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin?  Will you have
+chains, gold, tablets, rings?  You need no more but say, Yes; so far as
+fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me.  By the virtue
+of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him,
+No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you.  By G--, said he, but I will
+have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing,
+neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it.  Hold!
+--showing his long codpiece--this is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for
+lodging!--and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out,
+yet not very loud.  Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his
+false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwise let me do a
+little?  A turd for you!  You do not deserve so much good, nor so much
+honour; but, by G--, I will make the dogs ride you;--and with this he ran
+away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally
+fearful.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXII.
+
+How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well.
+
+Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus
+Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and
+on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin,
+under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.
+
+The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side
+and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her
+with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day
+and night.  In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of
+her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces
+as small as he could.  Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went
+to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as
+the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge
+sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously.  Then, a
+little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by
+her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner
+as followeth.
+
+  A Roundelay.
+
+  For this one time, that I to you my love
+  Discovered, you did too cruel prove,
+  To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,
+  Who never any wrong to you had done,
+  In any kind of action, word, or thought:
+  So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought
+  T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,
+  My friend, be pleased to depart from hence,
+    For this one time.
+
+  What hurt do I, to wish you to remark,
+  With favour and compassion, how a spark
+  Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart
+  With deep affection, and that, for my part,
+  I only ask that you with me would dance
+  The brangle gay in feats of dalliance,
+    For this one time?
+
+And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very
+promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers
+places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown.  Then
+said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease.  As for
+me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I
+suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in
+purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my misery.
+Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church
+came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed
+upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their
+member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the
+greatest villainy in the world.  Panurge made the fashion of driving them
+away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or
+oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did
+compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with
+their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others
+in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed
+upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much
+ado to save her.  Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of
+the lords of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some
+greyhound hath covered her lately.  And when he saw that all the dogs were
+flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and
+every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud
+or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call
+Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he
+went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying,
+Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding?  Away, hence, avant,
+avant, with a devil avant!  And being come home, he said to Pantagruel,
+Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are
+assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line
+her.  Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery,
+which he found very pretty and strange.  But the best was at the
+procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs
+about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever
+she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed
+her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched.  All
+the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of
+those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her
+gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to
+retire unto her house, which was a palace.  Thither she went, and the dogs
+after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain
+from laughing.  When she was entered into the house and had shut the door
+upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so
+well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their
+urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same
+current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for
+the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did
+heretofore preach publicly.  So may God help you, a mill would have ground
+corn with it.  Yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXIII.
+
+How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news that the Dipsodes had
+invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are
+so short in France.
+
+A little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father Gargantua had
+been translated into the land of the fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were
+Ogier and Arthur; as also, (In the original edition it stands 'together,
+and that.'--M.) that the report of his translation being spread abroad, the
+Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a
+great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great city of
+the Amaurots.  Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man
+farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to Rouen.
+
+Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little
+territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of
+other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who told
+him a story which Marotus of the Lac, monachus, set down in the Acts of the
+Kings of Canarre, saying that in old times countries were not distinguished
+into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasangs, until that King Pharamond
+divided them, which was done in manner as followeth.  The said king chose
+at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and
+bold adventurers in Cupid's duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty,
+handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of Picardy, all which he
+caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days.
+Then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his
+wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this injunction
+besides, to go unto divers places here and there.  And wheresoever they
+should biscot and thrum their wenches, that, they setting a stone there, it
+should be accounted for a league.  Thus went away those brave fellows and
+sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh and had been at
+rest, they very often jummed and fanfreluched almost at every field's end,
+and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short.  But when
+they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the
+oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and duffle so
+often, but contented themselves (I mean for the men's part) with one scurvy
+paltry bout in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in Brittany,
+Delanes, Germany, and other more remote countries so long.  Other men give
+other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best.  To which
+Pantagruel willingly adhered.  Parting from Rouen, they arrived at
+Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon,
+Eusthenes, and Carpalin.
+
+In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship,
+he received from a lady of Paris, which I (he) had formerly kept and
+entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus,
+--To the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the valiant men
+--P.N.T.G.R.L.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXIV.
+
+A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a lady of Paris,
+together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold ring.
+
+When Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed, and
+therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it.
+Then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwise
+enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table diamond.  Wondering at
+this, he called Panurge to him, and showed him the case.  Whereupon Panurge
+told him that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and
+artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight. Therefore,
+to find it out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made with sal
+ammoniac soaked in water.  Then put he it into the water, to see if the
+letter was written with the juice of tithymalle.  After that he held it up
+against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white
+onions.
+
+Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not
+written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the milk of
+a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written with
+the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs.  Afterwards he rubbed one
+corner with the ashes of a swallow's nest, to see if it were not written
+with the dew that is found within the herb alcakengy, called the
+winter-cherry.  He rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to see if it
+were not written with the gall of a raven.  Then did he dip it into vinegar,
+to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden spurge.  After
+that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was
+not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris.  Then put
+it very fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to
+see whether it were written with stone-alum.  But after all experiments,
+when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the messenger
+and asked him, Good fellow, the lady that sent thee hither, did she not give
+thee a staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the
+conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention.  And the messenger answered
+him, No, sir.  Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven, to see
+whether the lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lye whereof
+soap is made, that which she meant; but, perceiving that his hair was very
+long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a
+length in so short a time.
+
+Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the virtue of G--, I cannot tell
+what to do nor say in it.  For, to know whether there be anything written
+upon this or no, I have made use of a good part of that which Master
+Francisco di Nianto, the Tuscan, sets down, who hath written the manner of
+reading letters that do not appear; that which Zoroastes published, Peri
+grammaton acriton; and Calphurnius Bassus, De literis illegibilibus.  But I
+can see nothing, nor do I believe that there is anything else in it than
+the ring.  Let us, therefore, look upon it.  Which when they had done, they
+found this in Hebrew written within, Lamach saba(ch)thani; whereupon they
+called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant.  To which he answered that
+they were Hebrew words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou forsaken me?  Upon
+that Panurge suddenly replied, I know the mystery.  Do you see this
+diamond?  It is a false one.  This, then, is the exposition of that which
+the lady means, Diamant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou forsaken
+me?  Which interpretation Pantagruel presently understood, and withal
+remembering that at his departure he had not bid the lady farewell, he was
+very sorry, and would fain have returned to Paris to make his peace with
+her.  But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's departure from Dido, and
+the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor, when
+need requireth we must cut the cable rather than lose time about untying of
+it,--and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the city of
+his nativity, which was then in danger.  And, indeed, within an hour after
+that the wind arose at the north-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and
+put out, even into the main sea, so that within few days, passing by Porto
+Sancto and by the Madeiras, they went ashore in the Canary Islands.
+Parting from thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by
+Gambre, by Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di Buona Speranza, and set ashore
+again in the kingdom of Melinda.  Parting from thence, they sailed away
+with a tramontane or northerly wind, passing by Meden, by Uti, by Uden, by
+Gelasim, by the Isles of the Fairies, and alongst the kingdom of Achorie,
+till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia, distant from the city of
+the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more.
+
+When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Pantagruel said,
+Gentlemen, the city is not far from hence; therefore, were it not amiss,
+before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not
+like the Athenians, who never took counsel until after the fact?  Are you
+resolved to live and die with me?  Yes, sir, said they all, and be as
+confident of us as of your own fingers.  Well, said he, there is but one
+thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that I
+know not in what order nor of what number the enemy is that layeth siege to
+the city; for, if I were certain of that, I should go forward and set on
+with the better assurance.  Let us therefore consult together, and bethink
+ourselves by what means we may come to this intelligence.  Whereunto they
+all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us; for this
+very day, without further respite, do we make account to bring you a
+certain report thereof.
+
+Myself, said Panurge, will undertake to enter into their camp, within the
+very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and
+lecher it at their cost, without being known of any, to see the artillery
+and the tents of all the captains, and thrust myself in with a grave and
+magnific carriage amongst all their troops and companies, without being
+discovered.  The devil would not be able to peck me out with all his
+circumventions, for I am of the race of Zopyrus.
+
+And I, said Epistemon, know all the plots and strategems of the valiant
+captains and warlike champions of former ages, together with all the tricks
+and subtleties of the art of war.  I will go, and, though I be detected and
+revealed, I will escape by making them believe of you whatever I please,
+for I am of the race of Sinon.
+
+I, said Eusthenes, will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spite
+of their sentries and all their guards; for I will tread upon their bellies
+and break their legs and arms, yea, though they were every whit as strong
+as the devil himself, for I am of the race of Hercules.
+
+And I, said Carpalin, will get in there if the birds can enter, for I am so
+nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have leaped over their
+trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive
+me; neither do I fear shot, nor arrow, nor horse, how swift soever, were he
+the Pegasus of Perseus or Pacolet, being assured that I shall be able to
+make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt.  I will
+undertake to walk upon the ears of corn or grass in the meadows, without
+making either of them do so much as bow under me, for I am of the race of
+Camilla the Amazon.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXV.
+
+How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, the gentlemen attendants
+of Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore
+horsemen very cunningly.
+
+As he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light
+horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an outroad thither to see what ship
+it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a full gallop to
+take them if they had been able.  Then said Pantagruel, My lads, retire
+yourselves unto the ship; here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I
+will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so
+many; in the meantime, withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at it.
+Then answered Panurge, No, sir; there is no reason that you should do so,
+but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest, for
+I alone will here discomfit them; but we must not linger; come, set
+forward.  Whereunto the others said, It is well advised, sir; withdraw
+yourself, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know what we are able
+to do.  Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content; but, if that you be too
+weak, I will not fail to come to your assistance.  With this Panurge took
+two great cables of the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstan which
+was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground,
+making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that.  Then
+said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and, when I give you a call, turn
+about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the two
+cable-ropes; and said to Eusthenes and to Carpalin, My bullies, stay you
+here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies.  Do as they bid you, and
+make as if you would yield unto them, but take heed you come not within the
+compass of the ropes--be sure to keep yourselves free of them.  And
+presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw and a barrel
+of gunpowder, strewed it round about the compass of the cords, and stood by
+with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand.  Presently came the
+horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship,
+and, by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they fell, they and their
+horses, to the number of four and forty; which the rest seeing, came on,
+thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival.  But Panurge
+said unto them, My masters, I believe that you have hurt yourselves; I pray
+you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the slipperiness of the
+sea-water that is always flowing; we submit ourselves to your good pleasure.
+So said likewise his two other fellows, and Epistemon that was upon the
+deck.  In the meantime Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were
+all within the compass of the cables, and that his two companions were
+retired, making room for all those horses which came in a crowd, thronging
+upon the neck of one another to see the ship and such as were in it, cried
+out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw!  Then began Epistemon to wind
+about the capstan, by doing whereof the two cables so entangled and
+empestered the legs of the horses, that they were all of them thrown down
+to the ground easily, together with their riders.  But they, seeing that,
+drew their swords, and would have cut them; whereupon Panurge set fire to
+the train, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and
+horses, not one escaping save one alone, who being mounted on a fleet
+Turkey courser, by mere speed in flight got himself out of the circle of
+the ropes.  But when Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such
+nimbleness and celerity that he overtook him in less than a hundred paces;
+then, leaping close behind him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him
+in his arms, and brought him back to the ship.
+
+This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously
+commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called his
+fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well and merrily
+upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground,
+and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity; only
+that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel would have eaten him
+up whole, which, considering the wideness of his mouth and capacity of his
+throat was no great matter for him to have done; for he could have done it
+as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat
+than would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an ass.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXVI.
+
+How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats; and
+how Carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison.
+
+Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And, by the belly
+of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison?  This salt meat makes me
+horribly dry.  I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which
+we have burnt; it is well roasted already.  As he was rising up to go about
+it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was
+come out of his fort, as I conceive, at the sight of Panurge's fire.  Him
+did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness as if it had
+been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he
+was in his course he with his hands took in the air four great bustards,
+seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red-legged
+ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty
+cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and
+rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in
+a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars, two little beavers, and
+three great foxes.  So, striking the kid with his falchion athwart the
+head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he in his return took up
+his hares, rails, and young wild-boars, and, as far off as he could be
+heard, cried out and said, Panurge, my friend, vinegar, vinegar!  Then the
+good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him
+some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands,
+and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back
+a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares.  Then immediately
+did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine Muses, nine antique wooden
+spits.  Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirassier
+saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, and making their
+prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by the fire wherein
+the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of
+vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals--it was a
+triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured.
+Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of little
+anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine the
+great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what
+a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps.  But, said Panurge,
+it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we
+might get the upper hand of our enemies.  That is well remembered, said
+Pantagruel.  Therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us
+here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed
+alive, for it is I that eat the little children.  Relate unto us at full
+the order, the number, and the strength of the army.  To which the prisoner
+answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred
+giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great.  Nevertheless,
+not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loupgarou,
+who is armed from head to foot with cyclopical anvils.  Furthermore, one
+hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of
+hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred
+men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and
+arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one
+hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses--(That is for me,
+said Panurge)--whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others
+Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High
+Dutch--there are of them of all countries and all languages.
+
+Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there?  Yes, sir, said the prisoner;
+he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of the Dipsodes,
+which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more
+thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants.
+It is enough, said Pantagruel.  Come, brave boys, are you resolved to go
+with me?  To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you!  I
+have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so
+the devil one leg of them shall escape.  But I am somewhat troubled about
+one thing.  And what is that? said Pantagruel.  It is, said Panurge, how I
+shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the
+whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one
+unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and
+women in the Venetian conflict.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.
+
+And Carpalin said:  The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G--, I do not
+bumbaste some one of them.  Then said Eusthenes:  What! shall not I have
+any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so well winded up as
+that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o'clock, till now that I have
+it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils?  Truly, said Panurge,
+thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump and in the
+best case.
+
+How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the ass?  The
+devil take him that will do so.  We will make use of the right of war, Qui
+potest capere, capiat.  No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook,
+and ride as the world doth.  And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this,
+and said unto them, You reckon without your host.  I am much afraid that,
+before it be night, I shall see you in such taking that you will have no
+great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of
+pike and lance.  Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that!  I will not fail to
+bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste.  They
+are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty
+hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus
+Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all.  For
+God's sake, take you no care for that.  Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge;
+my codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St.
+Sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their
+backs.  Up then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXVII.
+
+How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge
+another in remembrance of the hares.  How Pantagruel likewise with his
+farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women; and how Panurge
+broke a great staff over two glasses.
+
+Before we depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance of the exploit that
+you have now performed I will in this place erect a fair trophy.  Then
+every man amongst them, with great joy and fine little country songs, set
+up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the
+fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees,
+stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with
+steel, a battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman's sword, a
+gauntlet, a horseman's mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness,
+and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a
+triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy.  And then Pantagruel, for an eternal
+memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:--
+
+  Here was the prowess made apparent of
+  Four brave and valiant champions of proof,
+  Who, without any arms but wit, at once,
+  Like Fabius, or the two Scipions,
+  Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore
+  Crablice, strong rogues ne'er vanquished before.
+  By this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight,
+  That sleight is much more prevalent than might.
+
+    For victory,
+    As all men see,
+    Hangs on the ditty
+    Of that committee
+    Where the great God
+    Hath his abode.
+
+  Nor doth he it to strong and great men give,
+  But to his elect, as we must believe;
+  Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem,
+  Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him.
+
+Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Panurge halved and
+fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together with the skin and
+the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leverets, the chine of a
+coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four
+queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put
+salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a
+dripping-pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of
+Beauvais.  Then, in imitation of Pantagruel's verses and trophy, wrote that
+which followeth:--
+
+  Here was it that four jovial blades sat down
+  To a profound carousing, and to crown
+  Their banquet with those wines which please best great
+  Bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state.
+  Then were the reins and furch of a young hare,
+  With salt and vinegar, displayed there,
+  Of which to snatch a bit or two at once
+  They all fell on like hungry scorpions.
+
+    For th' Inventories
+    Of Defensories
+    Say that in heat
+    We must drink neat
+    All out, and of
+    The choicest stuff.
+
+  But it is bad to eat of young hare's flesh,
+  Unless with vinegar we it refresh.
+  Receive this tenet, then, without control,
+  That vinegar of that meat is the soul.
+
+Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here too
+long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the greatest
+eaters do the most martial exploits.  There is no shadow like that of
+flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of
+armour.  At this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow
+like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering
+like that of goblets.  Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like
+that of curtains, no smoke like that of women's breasts, and no clattering
+like that of ballocks.  Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap,
+and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel!
+When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart
+that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the
+corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men,
+ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little
+women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow
+but like cow's tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round.  How
+now! said Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful?  By G--, here be
+brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; they will
+beget fine hornets and dorflies.  So did Pantagruel, and called them
+pigmies.  Those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time
+they are increased mightily.  But the cranes make war with them
+continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for
+these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call
+whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and
+choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their
+spleen.
+
+At this same time Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both
+of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of
+them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one foot
+from one another.  Then he took the staff of a javelin, about five foot and
+a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two ends of the
+staff did come just to the brims of the glasses.  This done, he took a
+great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel and to the rest, My
+masters, behold how easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for
+just as I shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either
+breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without spilling one drop
+of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our
+Dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or loss in our person or
+goods.  But, that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this, hold!
+said he to Eusthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this
+log.  Eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop
+of the water fell out of the glasses.  Then said he, I know a great many
+such other tricks; let us now therefore march boldly and with assurance.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXVIII.
+
+How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the
+Giants.
+
+After all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him away,
+saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings of what
+thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to-morrow about noon; for,
+as soon as my galleys shall come, which will be to-morrow at furthest, I
+will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting-men and seven
+thousand giants, all of them greater than I am, that he hath done foolishly
+and against reason thus to invade my country.  Wherein Pantagruel feigned
+that he had an army at sea.  But the prisoner answered that he would yield
+himself to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own
+people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for God's
+sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do.  Whereunto
+Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence
+speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a
+boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon
+thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet
+sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto him, that
+if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after it, he
+might then be able to resist him without any fear or apprehension of
+danger.
+
+The prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour of the
+battle he would have compassion upon him.  Whereat Pantagruel said unto
+him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put thy whole
+confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my
+part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infinite number of men in
+arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but
+all my confidence is in God my protector, who doth never forsake those that
+in him do put their trust and confidence.  This done, the prisoner
+requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his
+ransom.  To which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor
+ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty.  Go thy
+way, said he, in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil
+company, lest some mischief befall thee.  The prisoner being gone,
+Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prisoner believe
+that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not assault them till
+to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting of the great arrival of
+our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves,
+but in the meantime my intention is that we charge them about the hour
+of the first sleep.
+
+Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of King Anarchus
+and his army.  When the prisoner was come he went unto the king and told
+him how there was a great giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown
+and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and fifty
+horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news.  Besides that, he was
+charged by the said giant to tell him that the next day, about noon, he
+must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set
+upon him.  Then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures.
+But as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken
+with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of
+the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort that,
+for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by drinking
+only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the goblet from his
+head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still
+pour in wine into his throat with a funnel.  Which when his captains,
+bashaws, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs to
+try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no.  But it so
+befell them as it had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well
+that the noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned;
+that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and his
+captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards,
+and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could.  Every
+man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle
+it as fast as they could.  In sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that
+they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole camp.
+
+Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself
+in this business.  Departing from the place of the trophies, he took the
+mast of their ship in his hand like a pilgrim's staff, and put within the
+top of it two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons of white wine of
+Anjou, the rest was of Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full
+of salt, as easily as the lansquenets carry their little panniers, and so
+set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers.  When he was come near to
+the enemy's camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let
+down this white wine of Anjou from the scuttle of the mast of the ship,
+that we may all drink thereof, like Bretons.
+
+Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat that
+there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred and seven and
+thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern bottle of Tours which
+Panurge filled for himself, for he called that his vademecum, and some
+scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him instead of vinegar.
+After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge gave
+Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is
+a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins,
+the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides,
+which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds
+of diuretic or piss-procuring simples.  This done, Pantagruel said to
+Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the wall, as you
+can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out and charge
+their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down, taking
+a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and
+pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great
+voice, and then come away from thence.  Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not
+good to cloy all their ordnance?  No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow up all
+their powder.  Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he was
+appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came forth that were in the
+city, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so
+lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and
+sleep, that they never perceived him.  He came to the place where their
+artillery was, and set their munition on fire.  But here was the danger.
+The fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt.  And had
+it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting
+pig.  But he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a
+crossbow could not have had a swifter motion.  When he was clear of their
+trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such
+amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been
+let loose.  At which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how?  Even
+no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of the first peal to
+matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock.
+
+In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark,
+and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their
+throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like
+foxes.  Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that
+is in us!  Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs
+which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so
+copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten
+leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if
+his father's great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would
+undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for
+she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or
+the Danube.  Which those that were come out of the city seeing, said, They
+are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along.  But they were
+deceived in thinking Pantagruel's urine had been the blood of their
+enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the
+pavilions and some small light of the moon.
+
+The enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in
+the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not
+tell what to say nor what to think.  Some said that it was the end of the
+world and the final judgment, which ought to be by fire.  Others again
+thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Proteus, Triton, and the rest of them,
+did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and
+salt.
+
+O who were able now condignly to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself
+against the three hundred giants!  O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia,
+inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the
+logical bridge of asses!  Here is the pitfall, here is the difficulty, to
+have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought.  Ah,
+would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank
+who shall read this so veridical history!
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXIX.
+
+How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants armed with free-stone,
+and Loupgarou their captain.
+
+The giants, seeing all their camp drowned, carried away their king Anarchus
+upon their backs as well as they could out of the fort, as Aeneas did to
+his father Anchises, in the time of the conflagration of Troy.  When
+Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the giants
+coming forth against you; lay on them with your mast gallantly, like an old
+fencer; for now is the time that you must show yourself a brave man and an
+honest.  And for our part we will not fail you.  I myself will kill to you
+a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliath very easily; and
+then this great lecher, Eusthenes, who is stronger than four oxen, will not
+spare himself.  Be of good courage, therefore, and valiant; charge amongst
+them with point and edge, and by all manner of means.  Well, said
+Pantagruel, of courage I have more than for fifty francs, but let us be
+wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two.  That is well cacked,
+well scummered, said Panurge; do you compare yourself with Hercules?  You
+have, by G--, more strength in your teeth, and more scent in your bum, than
+ever Hercules had in all his body and soul.  So much is a man worth as he
+esteems himself.  Whilst they spake those words, behold! Loupgarou was come
+with all his giants, who, seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried
+away with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the good
+man.  Whereupon he said to his companions the giants, You wenchers of the
+low country, by Mahoom! if any of you undertake to fight against these men
+here, I will put you cruelly to death.  It is my will that you let me fight
+single.  In the meantime you shall have good sport to look upon us.
+
+Then all the other giants retired with their king to the place where the
+flagons stood, and Panurge and his comrades with them, who counterfeited
+those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up his
+fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, I forsake -od,
+fellow-soldiers, if I would have it to be believed that we make any war at
+all.  Give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our masters fight against
+one another.  To this the king and giants jointly condescended, and
+accordingly made them to banquet with them.  In the meantime Panurge told
+them the follies of Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the tale of a
+tub.  Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of
+steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred
+quintals and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed
+diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of Our Lady's
+Church at Paris--there might want perhaps the thickness of a nail, or at
+most, that I may not lie, of the back of those knives which they call
+cutlugs or earcutters, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no
+matter--and it was enchanted in such sort that it could never break, but,
+contrarily, all that it did touch did break immediately.  Thus, then, as he
+approached with great fierceness and pride of heart, Pantagruel, casting up
+his eyes to heaven, recommended himself to God with all his soul, making
+such a vow as followeth.
+
+O thou Lord God, who hast always been my protector and my saviour! thou
+seest the distress wherein I am at this time.  Nothing brings me hither but
+a natural zeal, which thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and defend
+themselves, their wives and children, country and family, in case thy own
+proper cause were not in question, which is the faith; for in such a
+business thou wilt have no coadjutors, only a catholic confession and
+service of thy word, and hast forbidden us all arming and defence.  For
+thou art the Almighty, who in thine own cause, and where thine own business
+is taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive,
+thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legions of
+angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and turn about
+the heavens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it very plainly
+appeared in the army of Sennacherib.  If it may please thee, therefore, at
+this time to assist me, as my whole trust and confidence is in thee alone,
+I vow unto thee, that in all countries whatsoever wherein I shall have any
+power or authority, whether in this of Utopia or elsewhere, I will cause
+thy holy gospel to be purely, simply, and entirely preached, so that the
+abuses of a rabble of hypocrites and false prophets, who by human
+constitutions and depraved inventions have empoisoned all the world, shall
+be quite exterminated from about me.
+
+This vow was no sooner made, but there was heard a voice from heaven
+saying, Hoc fac et vinces; that is to say, Do this, and thou shalt
+overcome.  Then Pantagruel, seeing that Loupgarou with his mouth wide open
+was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as
+he was able, Thou diest, villain, thou diest! purposing by his horrible cry
+to make him afraid, according to the discipline of the Lacedaemonians.
+Withal, he immediately cast at him out of his bark, which he wore at his
+girdle, eighteen cags and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both
+his mouth, throat, nose, and eyes.  At this Loupgarou was so highly
+incensed that, most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a
+blow of his mace to have beat out his brains.  But Pantagruel was very
+nimble, and had always a quick foot and a quick eye, and therefore with his
+left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly but that the blow,
+falling upon the bark, broke it in four thousand four score and six pieces,
+and threw all the rest of the salt about the ground.  Pantagruel, seeing
+that, most gallantly displayed the vigour of his arms, and, according to
+the art of the axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a homethrust a
+little above the breast; then, bringing along the blow to the left side,
+with a slash struck him between the neck and shoulders.  After that,
+advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the couillons with the
+upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle on the top
+thereof, he spilt three or four puncheons of wine that were left therein.
+
+Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the
+wine that came forth had been his urine.  Pantagruel, being not content
+with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou, lifting
+up his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with all his force would
+have dashed it upon Pantagruel, wherein, to speak the truth, he so
+sprightfully carried himself, that, if God had not succoured the good
+Pantagruel, he had been cloven from the top of his head to the bottom of
+his milt.  But the blow glanced to the right side by the brisk nimbleness
+of Pantagruel, and his mace sank into the ground above threescore and
+thirteen foot, through a huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater
+than nine thousand and six tons.  Pantagruel, seeing him busy about
+plucking out his mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran
+upon him, and would have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast
+had not touched a little against the stock of Loupgarou's mace, which was
+enchanted, as we have said before.  By this means his mast broke off about
+three handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood amazed like a bell-founder,
+and cried out, Ah, Panurge, where art thou?  Panurge, seeing that, said to
+the king and the giants, By G--, they will hurt one another if they be not
+parted.  But the giants were as merry as if they had been at a wedding.
+Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his master; but one of
+the giants said unto him, By Golfarin, the nephew of Mahoom, if thou stir
+hence I will put thee in the bottom of my breeches instead of a
+suppository, which cannot choose but do me good.  For in my belly I am very
+costive, and cannot well cagar without gnashing my teeth and making many
+filthy faces.  Then Pantagruel, thus destitute of a staff, took up the end
+of his mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the giant, but he did him no
+more hurt than you would do with a fillip upon a smith's anvil.  In the
+(mean) time Loupgarou was drawing his mace out of the ground, and, having
+already plucked it out, was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel, who,
+being very quick in turning, avoided all his blows in taking only the
+defensive part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did
+threaten him with these words, saying, Now, villain, will not I fail to
+chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever
+making any more poor men athirst!  For then, without any more ado,
+Pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the belly that he
+made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and dragged him thus
+along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot.  Then Loupgarou cried out,
+bleeding at the throat, Mahoom, Mahoom, Mahoom! at which noise all the
+giants arose to succour him.  But Panurge said unto them, Gentlemen, do not
+go, if will believe me, for our master is mad, and strikes athwart and
+alongst, he cares not where; he will do you a mischief.  But the giants
+made no account of it, seeing that Pantagruel had never a staff.
+
+And when Pantagruel saw those giants approach very near unto him, he took
+Loupgarou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike in the air,
+wherewith, it being harnessed with anvils, he laid such heavy load amongst
+those giants armed with free-stone, that, striking them down as a mason
+doth little knobs of stones, there was not one of them that stood before
+him whom he threw not flat to the ground.  And by the breaking of this
+stony armour there was made such a horrible rumble as put me in mind of the
+fall of the butter-tower of St. Stephen's at Bourges when it melted before
+the sun.  Panurge, with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in the mean time
+the throats of those that were struck down, in such sort that there escaped
+not one.  Pantagruel to any man's sight was like a mower, who with his
+scythe, which was Loupgarou, cut down the meadow grass, to wit, the giants;
+but with this fencing of Pantagruel's Loupgarou lost his head, which
+happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose name was Riflandouille, or
+Pudding-plunderer, who was armed cap-a-pie with Grison stones, one chip
+whereof splintering abroad cut off Epistemon's neck clean and fair.  For
+otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy
+brittle stone, and the rest with slates.  At last, when he saw that they
+were all dead, he threw the body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against
+the city, where falling like a frog upon his belly in the great Piazza
+thereof, he with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, a wet she-cat, a
+farting duck, and a bridled goose.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXX.
+
+How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge, and
+of the news which he brought from the devils, and of the damned people in
+hell.
+
+This gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel withdrew himself to the place
+of the flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto him safe
+and sound, except Eusthenes, whom one of the giants had scratched a little
+in the face whilst he was about the cutting of his throat, and Epistemon,
+who appeared not at all.  Whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would
+have killed himself.  But Panurge said unto him, Nay, sir, stay a while,
+and we will search for him amongst the dead, and find out the truth of all.
+Thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with his
+head between his arms all bloody.  Then Eusthenes cried out, Ah, cruel
+death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men?  At which words
+Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any man did see, and
+said to Panurge, Ha, my friend! the prophecy of your two glasses and the
+javelin staff was a great deal too deceitful.  But Panurge answered, My
+dear bullies all, weep not one drop more, for, he being yet all hot, I will
+make him as sound as ever he was.  In saying this, he took the head and
+held it warm foregainst his codpiece, that the wind might not enter into
+it.  Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place where they had
+banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that
+Pantagruel might see it.
+
+Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do not heal
+him, I will be content to lose my head, which is a fool's wager.  Leave
+off, therefore, crying, and help me.  Then cleansed he his neck very well
+with pure white wine, and, after that, took his head, and into it synapised
+some powder of diamerdis, which he always carried about him in one of his
+bags.  Afterwards he anointed it with I know not what ointment, and set it
+on very just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, and spondyle against
+spondyle, that he might not be wry-necked--for such people he mortally
+hated.  This done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches
+with a needle that it might not fall off again; then, on all sides and
+everywhere, he put a little ointment on it, which he called resuscitative.
+
+Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed,
+and afterwards let a great household fart.  Whereupon Panurge said, Now,
+certainly, he is healed,--and therefore gave him to drink a large full
+glass of strong white wine, with a sugared toast.  In this fashion was
+Epistemon finely healed, only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three
+weeks together, and had a dry cough of which he could not be rid but by the
+force of continual drinking.  And now he began to speak, and said that he
+had seen the devil, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and had been very
+merry in hell and in the Elysian fields, affirming very seriously before
+them all that the devils were boon companions and merry fellows.  But, in
+respect of the damned, he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon
+called him back into this world again; for, said he, I took wonderful
+delight to see them.  How so? said Pantagruel.  Because they do not use
+them there, said Epistemon, so badly as you think they do.  Their estate
+and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner;
+for I saw Alexander the Great there amending and patching on clouts upon
+old breeches and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor living.
+
+Xerxes was a crier of mustard.
+Romulus, a salter and patcher of pattens.
+Numa, a nailsmith.
+Tarquin, a porter.
+Piso, a clownish swain.
+Sylla, a ferryman.
+Cyrus, a cowherd.
+Themistocles, a glass-maker.
+Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors or looking-glasses.
+Brutus and Cassius, surveyors or measurers of land.
+Demosthenes, a vine-dresser.
+Cicero, a fire-kindler.
+Fabius, a threader of beads.
+Artaxerxes, a rope-maker.
+Aeneas, a miller.
+Achilles was a scaldpated maker of hay-bundles.
+Agamemnon, a lick-box.
+Ulysses, a hay-mower.
+Nestor, a door-keeper or forester.
+Darius, a gold-finder or jakes-farmer.
+Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer.
+Camillus, a foot-post.
+Marcellus, a sheller of beans.
+Drusus, a taker of money at the doors of playhouses.
+Scipio Africanus, a crier of lee in a wooden slipper.
+Asdrubal, a lantern-maker.
+Hannibal, a kettlemaker and seller of eggshells.
+Priamus, a seller of old clouts.
+Lancelot of the Lake was a flayer of dead horses.
+
+All the Knights of the Round Table were poor day-labourers, employed to row
+over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron, and Lethe, when my
+lords the devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the water, as in
+the like occasion are hired the boatmen at Lyons, the gondoliers of Venice,
+and oars at London.  But with this difference, that these poor knights have
+only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the evening a morsel
+of coarse mouldy bread.
+
+Trajan was a fisher of frogs.
+Antoninus, a lackey.
+Commodus, a jet-maker.
+Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts.
+Lucullus, a maker of rattles and hawks'-bells.
+Justinian, a pedlar.
+Hector, a snap-sauce scullion.
+Paris was a poor beggar.
+Cambyses, a mule-driver.
+
+Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is called a
+windbroach.  Fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a thousand
+mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread and drink of
+the turned wine when himself did both eat and drink of the best.
+
+Julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships.
+
+Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were sweat-rubbers
+in hot houses.
+
+Giglan and Govian (Gauvin) were poor swineherds.
+
+Geoffrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of matches.
+
+Godfrey de Bouillon, a hood-maker.
+Jason was a bracelet-maker.
+Don Pietro de Castille, a carrier of indulgences.
+Morgan, a beer-brewer.
+Huon of Bordeaux, a hooper of barrels.
+Pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion.
+Antiochus, a chimney-sweeper.
+Octavian, a scraper of parchment.
+Nerva, a mariner.
+
+Pope Julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but he left off wearing there his
+great buggerly beard.
+
+John of Paris was a greaser of boots.
+Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of caps.
+Perce-Forest, a carrier of faggots.
+Pope Boniface the Eighth, a scummer of pots.
+Pope Nicholas the Third, a maker of paper.
+Pope Alexander, a ratcatcher.
+Pope Sixtus, an anointer of those that have the pox.
+
+What, said Pantagruel, have they the pox there too?  Surely, said
+Epistemon, I never saw so many:  there are there, I think, above a hundred
+millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox in this world
+must have it in the other.
+
+Cotsbody, said Panurge, then I am free; for I have been as far as the hole
+of Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules, and gathered of
+the ripest.
+
+Ogier the Dane was a furbisher of armour.
+The King Tigranes, a mender of thatched houses.
+Galien Restored, a taker of moldwarps.
+The four sons of Aymon were all toothdrawers.
+Pope Calixtus was a barber of a woman's sine qua non.
+Pope Urban, a bacon-picker.
+Melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench.
+Matabrune, a laundress.
+Cleopatra, a crier of onions.
+Helen, a broker for chambermaids.
+Semiramis, the beggars' lice-killer.
+Dido did sell mushrooms.
+Penthesilea sold cresses.
+Lucretia was an alehouse-keeper.
+Hortensia, a spinstress.
+Livia, a grater of verdigris.
+
+After this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies here, got but
+a poor scurvy wretched living there below.  And, on the contrary, the
+philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indigent and
+wanting, were great lords there in their turn.  I saw Diogenes there strut
+it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple gown
+on him, and a golden sceptre in his right hand.  And, which is more, he
+would now and then make Alexander the Great mad, so enormously would he
+abuse him when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his
+skin with sound bastinadoes.  I saw Epictetus there, most gallantly
+apparelled after the French fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with
+store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making
+good cheer, with abundance of crowns of the sun.  Above the lattice were
+written these verses for his device:
+
+  To leap and dance, to sport and play,
+    And drink good wine both white and brown,
+  Or nothing else do all the day
+    But tell bags full of many a crown.
+
+When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I
+being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined together most
+theologically.  In the meantime came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for
+the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper.  No,
+no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my almsgiving to bestow farthings.
+Hold, thou varlet, there's a crown for thee; be an honest man.  Cyrus was
+exceeding glad to have met with such a booty; but the other poor rogues,
+the kings that are there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stole it
+away from him by night.  I saw Pathelin, the treasurer of Rhadamanthus,
+who, in cheapening the pudding-pies that Pope Julius cried, asked him how
+much a dozen.  Three blanks, said the Pope.  Nay, said Pathelin, three
+blows with a cudgel.  Lay them down here, you rascal, and go fetch more.
+The poor Pope went away weeping, who, when he came to his master, the
+pie-maker, told him that they had taken away his pudding-pies.  Whereupon
+his master gave him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that his own would
+have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of.  I saw Master John Le
+Maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor
+kings and popes of this world kiss his feet, and, taking great state upon
+him, gave them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the
+pardons; they are good cheap.  I absolve you of bread and pottage, and
+dispense with you to be never good for anything.  Then, calling Caillet and
+Triboulet to him, he spoke these words, My lords the cardinals, despatch
+their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a cudgel upon the reins.
+Which accordingly was forthwith performed.  I heard Master Francis Villon
+ask Xerxes, How much the mess of mustard?  A farthing, said Xerxes.  To
+which the said Villon answered, The pox take thee for a villain!  As much of
+square-eared wheat is not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to
+enhance the price of victuals.  With this he pissed in his pot, as the
+mustard-makers of Paris used to do.  I saw the trained bowman of the bathing
+tub, known by the name of the Francarcher de Baignolet, who, being one of
+the trustees of the Inquisition, when he saw Perce-Forest making water
+against a wall in which was painted the fire of St. Anthony, declared him
+heretic, and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for
+Morgant, who, for his proficiat and other small fees, gave him nine tuns of
+beer.
+
+Well, said Pantagruel, reserve all these fair stories for another time,
+only tell us how the usurers are there handled.  I saw them, said
+Epistemon, all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails
+in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this
+world.  But the quintal, or hundredweight, of this old ironware is there
+valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very
+bad despatch and riddance in the sale of it.  Thus the poor misers are
+sometimes three whole weeks without eating one morsel or crumb of bread,
+and yet work both day and night, looking for the fair to come.
+Nevertheless, of all this labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so
+cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in
+hopes, at the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it.
+
+Come, said Pantagruel, let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and drink,
+my lads, I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this month.  Then
+did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozens, and with their
+leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer.  But the poor King Anarchus
+could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; whereupon
+Panurge said, Of what trade shall we make my lord the king here, that he may
+be skilful in the art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the devils
+of hell?  Indeed, said Pantagruel, that was well advised of thee.  Do with
+him what thou wilt, I give him to thee.  Gramercy, said Panurge, the present
+is not to be refused, and I love it from you.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXXI.
+
+How Pantagruel entered into the city of the Amaurots, and how Panurge
+married King Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier
+of green sauce.
+
+After this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the city of the
+Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken
+prisoner and all the enemies of the city overthrown.  Which news when they
+heard all the inhabitants of the city came forth to meet him in good order,
+and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy into
+the city, where innumerable bonfires were set on through all the parts
+thereof, and fair round tables, which were furnished with store of good
+victuals, set out in the middle of the streets.  This was a renewing of the
+golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheer which then they
+made.
+
+But Pantagruel, having assembled the whole senate and common councilmen of
+the town, said, My masters, we must now strike the iron whilst it is hot.
+It is therefore my will that, before we frolic it any longer, we advise how
+to assault and take the whole kingdom of the Dipsodes.  To which effect let
+those that will go with me provide themselves against to-morrow after
+drinking, for then will I begin to march.  Not that I need any more men
+than I have to help me to conquer it, for I could make it as sure that way
+as if I had it already; but I see this city is so full of inhabitants that
+they scarce can turn in the streets.  I will, therefore, carry them as a
+colony into Dipsody, and will give them all that country, which is fair,
+wealthy, fruitful, and pleasant, above all other countries in the world, as
+many of you can tell who have been there heretofore.  Everyone of you,
+therefore, that will go along, let him provide himself as I have said.
+This counsel and resolution being published in the city, the next morning
+there assembled in the piazza before the palace to the number of eighteen
+hundred fifty-six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children.
+Thus began they to march straight into Dipsody, in such good order as did
+the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt to pass over the Red
+Sea.
+
+But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell you how
+Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus; for, having remembered that
+which Epistemon had related, how the kings and rich men in this world were
+used in the Elysian fields, and how they got their living there by base and
+ignoble trades, he, therefore, one day apparelled his king in a pretty
+little canvas doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light
+horseman's cap, together with a pair of large mariner's breeches, and
+stockings without shoes,--For, said he, they would but spoil his sight,
+--and a little peach-coloured bonnet with a great capon's feather in it--I
+lie, for I think he had two--and a very handsome girdle of a sky-colour and
+green (in French called pers et vert), saying that such a livery did become
+him well, for that he had always been perverse, and in this plight bringing
+him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you know this roister?  No,
+indeed, said Pantagruel.  It is, said Panurge, my lord the king of the
+three batches, or threadbare sovereign.  I intend to make him an honest
+man.  These devilish kings which we have here are but as so many calves;
+they know nothing and are good for nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs
+to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the world with war for their
+unjust and detestable pleasure.  I will put him to a trade, and make him a
+crier of green sauce.  Go to, begin and cry, Do you lack any green sauce?
+and the poor devil cried.  That is too low, said Panurge; then took him by
+the ear, saying, Sing higher in Ge, sol, re, ut.  So, so poor devil, thou
+hast a good throat; thou wert never so happy as to be no longer king.  And
+Pantagruel made himself merry with all this; for I dare boldly say that he
+was the best little gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of
+a staff.  Thus was Anarchus made a good crier of green sauce.  Two days
+thereafter Panurge married him with an old lantern-carrying hag, and he
+himself made the wedding with fine sheep's heads, brave haslets with
+mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of which he sent five horseloads
+unto Pantagruel, which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing.
+And for their drink they had a kind of small well-watered wine, and some
+sorbapple-cider.  And, to make them dance, he hired a blind man that
+made music to them with a wind-broach.
+
+After dinner he led them to the palace and showed them to Pantagruel, and
+said, pointing to the married woman, You need not fear that she will crack.
+Why? said Pantagruel.  Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and broke up
+already.  What do you mean by that? said Pantagruel.  Do not you see, said
+Panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole
+they crack as if they were mad, and, to keep them from cracking, they make
+an incision in them and slit them?  So this new bride is in her lower parts
+well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind.
+
+Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a mortar of
+stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do
+their little business, he being as pretty a crier of green sauce as ever
+was seen in the country of Utopia.  But I have been told since that his
+wife doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not defend himself,
+he is so simple.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXXII.
+
+How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the author
+saw in his mouth.
+
+Thus, as Pantagruel with all his army had entered into the country of the
+Dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves
+unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the keys of all the
+cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who, being resolved to
+hold out against him, made answer to his heralds that they would not yield
+but upon very honourable and good conditions.
+
+What! said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the
+pot and the glass in their fist?  Come, let us go sack them, and put them
+all to the sword.  Then did they put themselves in good order, as being
+fully determined to give an assault, but by the way, passing through a
+large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they
+began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one
+another.  When Pantagruel saw that, he made their captains tell them that
+it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be
+nothing but a little dew; but, howsoever, that they should put themselves
+in order, and he would cover them.  Then did they put themselves in a close
+order, and stood as near to (each) other as they could, and Pantagruel drew
+out his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her
+chickens.  In the meantime, I, who relate to you these so veritable
+stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in
+largeness than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but when I saw them
+thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise; which I could
+not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, At the yard's end there is
+no cloth left.  Then, as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along
+full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at last I came
+into his mouth.  But, O gods and goddesses! what did I see there?  Jupiter
+confound me with his trisulc lightning if I lie!  I walked there as they do
+in Sophia (at) Constantinople, and saw there great rocks, like the
+mountains in Denmark--I believe that those were his teeth.  I saw also fair
+meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot less than Lyons
+or Poictiers.  The first man I met with there was a good honest fellow
+planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My friend,
+what dost thou make here?  I plant coleworts, said he.  But how, and
+wherewith? said I.  Ha, sir, said he, everyone cannot have his ballocks as
+heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich.  Thus do I get my poor
+living, and carry them to the market to sell in the city which is here
+behind.  Jesus! said I, is there here a new world?  Sure, said he, it is
+never a jot new, but it is commonly reported that, without this, there is
+an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, and
+that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this
+is more ancient than that.  Yea but, said I, my friend, what is the name of
+that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell?  It is called
+Aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are Christians, very honest men,
+and will make you good cheer.  To be brief, I resolved to go thither.  Now,
+in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of
+whom I asked, My friend, from whence come these pigeons?  Sir, said he,
+they come from the other world.  Then I thought that, when Pantagruel
+yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it
+had been a pigeon-house.
+
+Then I went into the city, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in a
+good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket.
+Whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, My masters, is there any
+danger of the plague here?  O Lord! said they, they die hard by here so
+fast that the cart runs about the streets.  Good God! said I, and where?
+Whereunto they answered that it was in Larynx and Pharynx, which are two
+great cities such as Rouen and Nantes, rich and of great trading.  And the
+cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which
+lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and
+twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this
+sevennight.  Then I considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank
+and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruel's stomach when he did
+eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid.
+
+Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and
+never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the
+pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-courts, fair galleries,
+sweet meadows, store of vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer
+outhouses in the fields, after the Italian fashion, full of pleasure and
+delight, where I stayed full four months, and never made better cheer in my
+life as then.  After that I went down by the hinder teeth to come to the
+chaps.  But in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forest that is in
+the territory towards the ears.  Then, after a little further travelling, I
+fell upon a pretty petty village--truly I have forgot the name of it--where
+I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to live by.  Can
+you tell how?  By sleeping.  For there they hire men by the day to sleep,
+and they get by it sixpence a day, but they that can snort hard get at
+least ninepence.  How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the
+senators, who told me that, in very truth, the people of that side were bad
+livers and naturally thievish, whereby I perceived well that, as we have
+with us the countries Cisalpine and Transalpine, that is, behither and
+beyond the mountains, so have they there the countries Cidentine and
+Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth.  But it is far better
+living on this side, and the air is purer.  Then I began to think that it
+is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth
+not how the other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written
+of that country, wherein are above five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited,
+besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea.  Concerning which purpose I
+have composed a great book, entitled, The History of the Throttias, because
+they dwell in the throat of my master Pantagruel.
+
+At last I was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, I cast myself
+upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell
+before him.  As soon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest
+thou, Alcofribas?  I answered him, Out of your mouth, my lord.  And how
+long hast thou been there? said he.  Since the time, said I, that you went
+against the Almirods.  That is about six months ago, said he.  And
+wherewith didst thou live?  What didst thou drink?  I answered, My lord, of
+the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed through
+your throat I took toll.  Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite?  In
+your throat, my lord, said I.  Ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he.
+We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will
+give thee the Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin.  Gramercy, my
+lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXXIII.
+
+How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered.
+
+A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an
+obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and,
+because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which
+tormented him more than you would believe.  His physicians nevertheless
+helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made
+him piss away his pain.  His urine was so hot that since that time it is
+not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to
+the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as--
+
+    At Coderets.
+    At Limous.
+    At Dast.
+    At Ballervie (Balleruc).
+    At Neric.
+  At Bourbonansie, and elsewhere in Italy.
+    At Mongros.
+    At Appone.
+  At Sancto Petro de Padua.
+    At St. Helen.
+    At Casa Nuova.
+  At St. Bartholomew, in the county of Boulogne.
+  At the Porrette, and a thousand other places.
+
+And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and physicians, who
+spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh,
+whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that
+is within the mine.  For they do nothing but dote, and better were it for
+them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time thus
+in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the resolution
+is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths
+came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel.
+
+Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease.  I
+let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took four hundred pound
+weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and eighteen cartloads of cassia,
+an eleven thousand and nine hundred pound weight of rhubarb, besides other
+confuse jumblings of sundry drugs.  You must understand that by the advice
+of the physicians it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should
+be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper,
+each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St.
+Peter's needle at Rome, and in such sort that they did open in the midst
+and shut with a spring.  Into one of them entered one of his men carrying a
+lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a
+little pill.  Into seven others went seven country-fellows, having every
+one of them a shovel on his neck.  Into nine others entered nine
+wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were
+they swallowed down like pills.  When they were in his stomach, every one
+undid his spring, and came out of their cabins.  The first whereof was he
+that carried the lantern, and so they fell more than half a league into a
+most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis, or
+the marshes of the Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona,
+whereof Strabo maketh mention.  And had it not been that they had very well
+antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is called the noddle,
+they had been altogether suffocated and choked with these detestable
+vapours.  O what a perfume!  O what an evaporation wherewith to bewray the
+masks or mufflers of young mangy queans.  After that, with groping and
+smelling they came near to the faecal matter and the corrupted humours.
+Finally, they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth.  Then fell the
+pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the
+baskets; and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his ball.
+
+This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them
+out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours.  But,
+when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians
+coming out of the Trojan horse.  By this means was he healed and brought
+unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or
+rather copper balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy
+Cross Church.
+
+
+
+Chapter 2.XXXIV.
+
+The conclusion of this present book, and the excuse of the author.
+
+Now, my masters, you have heard a beginning of the horrific history of my
+lord and master Pantagruel.  Here will I make an end of the first book.  My
+head aches a little, and I perceive that the registers of my brain are
+somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral juice.  You shall have
+the rest of the history at Frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you
+see how Panurge was married and made a cuckold within a month after his
+wedding; how Pantagruel found out the philosopher's stone, the manner how
+he found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the Caspian
+mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated the
+Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls; how he married the daughter
+of the King of India, called Presthan; how he fought against the devil and
+burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw
+Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to Lucifer, and the horn that
+was in his arse; how he visited the regions of the moon to know whether
+indeed the moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three
+quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all
+veritable.  These are brave things truly.  Good night, gentlemen.
+Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults that you forget your
+own.
+
+If you say to me, Master, it would seem that you were not very wise in
+writing to us these flimflam stories and pleasant fooleries; I answer you,
+that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them.
+Nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves merry, as in manner of
+pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far more worthy of pardon than a
+great rabble of squint-minded fellows, dissembling and counterfeit saints,
+demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zealots, tough friars, buskin-monks,
+and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like masquers to
+deceive the world.  For, whilst they give the common people to understand
+that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in
+fastings and maceration of their sensuality--and that only to sustain and
+aliment the small frailty of their humanity--it is so far otherwise that,
+on the contrary, God knows what cheer they make; Et Curios simulant, sed
+Bacchanalia vivunt.  You may read it in great letters in the colouring of
+their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unless it be when
+they perfume themselves with sulphur.  As for their study, it is wholly
+taken up in reading of Pantagruelian books, not so much to pass the time
+merrily as to hurt someone or other mischievously, to wit, in articling,
+sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and
+diabliculating, that is, calumniating.  Wherein they are like unto the poor
+rogues of a village that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure
+and filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and
+that only to find the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggists to
+make thereof pomander oil.  Fly from these men, abhor and hate them as much
+as I do, and upon my faith you will find yourselves the better for it.  And
+if you desire to be good Pantagruelists, that is to say, to live in peace,
+joy, health, making yourselves always merry, never trust those men that
+always peep out at one hole.
+
+End of Book II.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+BOOK III.
+
+
+THE THIRD BOOK
+
+
+Francois Rabelais to the Soul of the Deceased Queen of Navarre.
+
+  Abstracted soul, ravished with ecstasies,
+  Gone back, and now familiar in the skies,
+  Thy former host, thy body, leaving quite,
+  Which to obey thee always took delight,--
+  Obsequious, ready,--now from motion free,
+  Senseless, and as it were in apathy,
+  Wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space,
+  From that divine, eternal, heavenly place,
+  To see the third part, in this earthy cell,
+  Of the brave acts of good Pantagruel?
+
+
+
+The Author's Prologue.
+
+Good people, most illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice precious gouty
+gentlemen, did you ever see Diogenes, and cynic philosopher?  If you have
+seen him, you then had your eyes in your head, or I am very much out of my
+understanding and logical sense.  It is a gallant thing to see the
+clearness of (wine, gold,) the sun.  I'll be judged by the blind born so
+renowned in the sacred Scriptures, who, having at his choice to ask
+whatever he would from him who is Almighty, and whose word in an instant is
+effectually performed, asked nothing else but that he might see.  Item, you
+are not young, which is a competent quality for you to philosophate more
+than physically in wine, not in vain, and henceforwards to be of the
+Bacchic Council; to the end that, opining there, you may give your opinion
+faithfully of the substance, colour, excellent odour, eminency, propriety,
+faculty, virtue, and effectual dignity of the said blessed and desired
+liquor.
+
+If you have not seen him, as I am easily induced to believe that you have
+not, at least you have heard some talk of him.  For through the air, and
+the whole extent of this hemisphere of the heavens, hath his report and
+fame, even until this present time, remained very memorable and renowned.
+Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian blood, if I be not deceived.
+If you have not so many crowns as Midas had, yet have you something, I know
+not what, of him, which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all their
+otacusts, and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine, and gave
+occasion thereafter to the Basilico at Rohan to be surnamed Goodly Ears.
+If you have not heard of him, I will presently tell you a story to make
+your wine relish.  Drink then,--so, to the purpose.  Hearken now whilst I
+give you notice, to the end that you may not, like infidels, be by your
+simplicity abused, that in his time he was a rare philosopher and the
+cheerfullest of a thousand.  If he had some imperfection, so have you, so
+have we; for there is nothing, but God, that is perfect.  Yet so it was,
+that by Alexander the Great, although he had Aristotle for his instructor
+and domestic, was he held in such estimation, that he wished, if he had not
+been Alexander, to have been Diogenes the Sinopian.
+
+When Philip, King of Macedon, enterprised the siege and ruin of Corinth,
+the Corinthians having received certain intelligence by their spies that he
+with a numerous army in battle-rank was coming against them, were all of
+them, not without cause, most terribly afraid; and therefore were not
+neglective of their duty in doing their best endeavours to put themselves
+in a fit posture to resist his hostile approach and defend their own city.
+
+Some from the fields brought into the fortified places their movables,
+bestial, corn, wine, fruit, victuals, and other necessary provision.
+
+Others did fortify and rampire their walls, set up little fortresses,
+bastions, squared ravelins, digged trenches, cleansed countermines, fenced
+themselves with gabions, contrived platforms, emptied casemates, barricaded
+the false brays, erected the cavaliers, repaired the counterscarps,
+plastered the curtains, lengthened ravelins, stopped parapets, morticed
+barbacans, assured the portcullises, fastened the herses, sarasinesques,
+and cataracts, placed their sentries, and doubled their patrol.  Everyone
+did watch and ward, and not one was exempted from carrying the basket.
+Some polished corslets, varnished backs and breasts, cleaned the
+headpieces, mail-coats, brigandines, salads, helmets, morions, jacks,
+gushets, gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissars, corslets, haubergeons,
+shields, bucklers, targets, greaves, gauntlets, and spurs.  Others made
+ready bows, slings, crossbows, pellets, catapults, migrains or fire-balls,
+firebrands, balists, scorpions, and other such warlike engines expugnatory
+and destructive to the Hellepolides.  They sharpened and prepared spears,
+staves, pikes, brown bills, halberds, long hooks, lances, zagayes,
+quarterstaves, eelspears, partisans, troutstaves, clubs, battle-axes,
+maces, darts, dartlets, glaives, javelins, javelots, and truncheons.  They
+set edges upon scimitars, cutlasses, badelairs, backswords, tucks, rapiers,
+bayonets, arrow-heads, dags, daggers, mandousians, poniards, whinyards,
+knives, skeans, shables, chipping knives, and raillons.
+
+Every man exercised his weapon, every man scoured off the rust from his
+natural hanger; nor was there a woman amongst them, though never so
+reserved or old, who made not her harness to be well furbished; as you know
+the Corinthian women of old were reputed very courageous combatants.
+
+Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, and himself not employed by the
+magistrates in any business whatsoever, he did very seriously, for many
+days together, without speaking one word, consider and contemplate the
+countenance of his fellow-citizens.
+
+Then on a sudden, as if he had been roused up and inspired by a martial
+spirit, he girded his cloak scarfwise about his left arm, tucked up his
+sleeves to the elbow, trussed himself like a clown gathering apples, and,
+giving to one of his old acquaintance his wallet, books, and opistographs,
+away went he out of town towards a little hill or promontory of Corinth
+called (the) Cranie; and there on the strand, a pretty level place, did he
+roll his jolly tub, which served him for a house to shelter him from the
+injuries of the weather:  there, I say, in a great vehemency of spirit, did
+he turn it, veer it, wheel it, whirl it, frisk it, jumble it, shuffle it,
+huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, jolt it, justle it, overthrow it, evert it,
+invert it, subvert it, overturn it, beat it, thwack it, bump it, batter it,
+knock it, thrust it, push it, jerk it, shock it, shake it, toss it, throw
+it, overthrow it, upside down, topsy-turvy, arsiturvy, tread it, trample
+it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, tingle it, towl it, sound it,
+resound it, stop it, shut it, unbung it, close it, unstopple it.  And then
+again in a mighty bustle he bandied it, slubbered it, hacked it, whittled
+it, wayed it, darted it, hurled it, staggered it, reeled it, swinged it,
+brangled it, tottered it, lifted it, heaved it, transformed it,
+transfigured it, transposed it, transplaced it, reared it, raised it,
+hoised it, washed it, dighted it, cleansed it, rinsed it, nailed it,
+settled it, fastened it, shackled it, fettered it, levelled it, blocked it,
+tugged it, tewed it, carried it, bedashed it, bewrayed it, parched it,
+mounted it, broached it, nicked it, notched it, bespattered it, decked it,
+adorned it, trimmed it, garnished it, gauged it, furnished it, bored it,
+pierced it, trapped it, rumbled it, slid it down the hill, and precipitated
+it from the very height of the Cranie; then from the foot to the top (like
+another Sisyphus with his stone) bore it up again, and every way so banged
+it and belaboured it that it was ten thousand to one he had not struck the
+bottom of it out.
+
+Which when one of his friends had seen, and asked him why he did so toil
+his body, perplex his spirit, and torment his tub, the philosopher's answer
+was that, not being employed in any other charge by the Republic, he
+thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his tub,
+that amongst a people so fervently busy and earnest at work he alone might
+not seem a loitering slug and lazy fellow.  To the same purpose may I say
+of myself,
+
+  Though I be rid from fear,
+  I am not void of care.
+
+For, perceiving no account to be made of me towards the discharge of a
+trust of any great concernment, and considering that through all the parts
+of this most noble kingdom of France, both on this and on the other side of
+the mountains, everyone is most diligently exercised and busied, some in
+the fortifying of their own native country for its defence, others in the
+repulsing of their enemies by an offensive war; and all this with a policy
+so excellent and such admirable order, so manifestly profitable for the
+future, whereby France shall have its frontiers most magnifically enlarged,
+and the French assured of a long and well-grounded peace, that very little
+withholds me from the opinion of good Heraclitus, which affirmeth war to be
+the father of all good things; and therefore do I believe that war is in
+Latin called bellum, not by antiphrasis, as some patchers of old rusty
+Latin would have us to think, because in war there is little beauty to be
+seen, but absolutely and simply; for that in war appeareth all that is good
+and graceful, and that by the wars is purged out all manner of wickedness
+and deformity.  For proof whereof the wise and pacific Solomon could no
+better represent the unspeakable perfection of the divine wisdom, than by
+comparing it to the due disposure and ranking of an army in battle array,
+well provided and ordered.
+
+Therefore, by reason of my weakness and inability, being reputed by my
+compatriots unfit for the offensive part of warfare; and on the other side,
+being no way employed in matter of the defensive, although it had been but
+to carry burthens, fill ditches, or break clods, either whereof had been to
+me indifferent, I held it not a little disgraceful to be only an idle
+spectator of so many valorous, eloquent, and warlike persons, who in the
+view and sight of all Europe act this notable interlude or tragi-comedy,
+and not make some effort towards the performance of this, nothing at all
+remains for me to be done ('And not exert myself, and contribute thereto
+this nothing, my all, which remained for me to do.'--Ozell.).  In my
+opinion, little honour is due to such as are mere lookers-on, liberal of
+their eyes, and of their crowns, and hide their silver; scratching their
+head with one finger like grumbling puppies, gaping at the flies like tithe
+calves; clapping down their ears like Arcadian asses at the melody of
+musicians, who with their very countenances in the depth of silence express
+their consent to the prosopopoeia.  Having made this choice and election,
+it seemed to me that my exercise therein would be neither unprofitable nor
+troublesome to any, whilst I should thus set a-going my Diogenical tub,
+which is all that is left me safe from the shipwreck of my former
+misfortunes.
+
+At this dingle dangle wagging of my tub, what would you have me to do?  By
+the Virgin that tucks up her sleeve, I know not as yet.  Stay a little,
+till I suck up a draught of this bottle; it is my true and only Helicon; it
+is my Caballine fountain; it is my sole enthusiasm.  Drinking thus, I
+meditate, discourse, resolve, and conclude.  After that the epilogue is
+made, I laugh, I write, I compose, and drink again.  Ennius drinking wrote,
+and writing drank.  Aeschylus, if Plutarch in his Symposiacs merit any
+faith, drank composing, and drinking composed.  Homer never wrote fasting,
+and Cato never wrote till after he had drunk.  These passages I have
+brought before you to the end you may not say that I lived without the
+example of men well praised and better prized.  It is good and fresh
+enough, even as if you would say it is entering upon the second degree.
+God, the good God Sabaoth, that is to say, the God of armies, be praised
+for it eternally!  If you after the same manner would take one great
+draught, or two little ones, whilst you have your gown about you, I truly
+find no kind of inconveniency in it, provided you send up to God for all
+some small scantling of thanks.
+
+Since then my luck or destiny is such as you have heard--for it is not for
+everybody to go to Corinth--I am fully resolved to be so little idle and
+unprofitable, that I will set myself to serve the one and the other sort of
+people.  Amongst the diggers, pioneers, and rampire-builders, I will do as
+did Neptune and Apollo at Troy under Laomedon, or as did Renault of
+Montauban in his latter days:  I will serve the masons, I'll set on the pot
+to boil for the bricklayers; and, whilst the minced meat is making ready at
+the sound of my small pipe, I'll measure the muzzle of the musing dotards.
+Thus did Amphion with the melody of his harp found, build, and finish the
+great and renowned city of Thebes.
+
+For the use of the warriors I am about to broach of new my barrel to give
+them a taste (which by two former volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness
+and falsehood of printers they had not been jumbled, marred, and spoiled,
+you would have very well relished), and draw unto them, of the growth of
+our own trippery pastimes, a gallant third part of a gallon, and
+consequently a jolly cheerful quart of Pantagruelic sentences, which you
+may lawfully call, if you please, Diogenical:  and shall have me, seeing I
+cannot be their fellow-soldier, for their faithful butler, refreshing and
+cheering, according to my little power, their return from the alarms of the
+enemy; as also for an indefatigable extoller of their martial exploits and
+glorious achievements.  I shall not fail therein, par lapathium acutum de
+dieu; if Mars fail not in Lent, which the cunning lecher, I warrant you,
+will be loth to do.
+
+I remember nevertheless to have read, that Ptolemy, the son of Lagus, one
+day, amongst the many spoils and booties which by his victories he had
+acquired, presenting to the Egyptians, in the open view of the people, a
+Bactrian camel all black, and a party-coloured slave, in such sort as that
+the one half of his body was black and the other white, not in partition of
+breadth by the diaphragma, as was that woman consecrated to the Indian
+Venus whom the Tyanean philosopher did see between the river Hydaspes and
+Mount Caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension of altitude; which were
+things never before that seen in Egypt.  He expected by the show of these
+novelties to win the love of the people.  But what happened thereupon?  At
+the production of the camel they were all affrighted, and offended at the
+sight of the party-coloured man--some scoffed at him as a detestable
+monster brought forth by the error of nature; in a word, of the hope which
+he had to please these Egyptians, and by such means to increase the
+affection which they naturally bore him, he was altogether frustrate and
+disappointed; understanding fully by their deportments that they took more
+pleasure and delight in things that were proper, handsome, and perfect,
+than in misshapen, monstrous, and ridiculous creatures.  Since which time
+he had both the slave and the camel in such dislike, that very shortly
+thereafter, either through negligence, or for want of ordinary sustenance,
+they did exchange their life with death.
+
+This example putteth me in a suspense between hope and fear, misdoubting
+that, for the contentment which I aim at, I will but reap what shall be
+most distasteful to me:  my cake will be dough, and for my Venus I shall
+have but some deformed puppy:  instead of serving them, I shall but vex
+them, and offend them whom I purpose to exhilarate; resembling in this
+dubious adventure Euclion's cook, so renowned by Plautus in his Pot, and by
+Ausonius in his Griphon, and by divers others; which cook, for having by
+his scraping discovered a treasure, had his hide well curried.  Put the
+case I get no anger by it, though formerly such things fell out, and the
+like may occur again.  Yet, by Hercules! it will not.  So I perceive in
+them all one and the same specifical form, and the like individual
+properties, which our ancestors called Pantagruelism; by virtue whereof
+they will bear with anything that floweth from a good, free, and loyal
+heart.  I have seen them ordinarily take goodwill in part of payment, and
+remain satisfied therewith when one was not able to do better.  Having
+despatched this point, I return to my barrel.
+
+Up, my lads, to this wine, spare it not!  Drink, boys, and trowl it off at
+full bowls!  If you do not think it good, let it alone.  I am not like
+those officious and importunate sots, who by force, outrage, and violence,
+constrain an easy good-natured fellow to whiffle, quaff, carouse, and what
+is worse.  All honest tipplers, all honest gouty men, all such as are
+a-dry, coming to this little barrel of mine, need not drink thereof if it
+please them not; but if they have a mind to it, and that the wine prove
+agreeable to the tastes of their worshipful worships, let them drink,
+frankly, freely, and boldly, without paying anything, and welcome.  This is
+my decree, my statute and ordinance.
+
+And let none fear there shall be any want of wine, as at the marriage of
+Cana in Galilee; for how much soever you shall draw forth at the faucet, so
+much shall I tun in at the bung.  Thus shall the barrel remain
+inexhaustible; it hath a lively spring and perpetual current.  Such was the
+beverage contained within the cup of Tantalus, which was figuratively
+represented amongst the Brachman sages.  Such was in Iberia the mountain of
+salt so highly written of by Cato.  Such was the branch of gold consecrated
+to the subterranean goddess, which Virgil treats of so sublimely.  It is a
+true cornucopia of merriment and raillery.  If at any time it seem to you
+to be emptied to the very lees, yet shall it not for all that be drawn
+wholly dry.  Good hope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora's bottle;
+and not despair, as in the puncheon of the Danaids.  Remark well what I
+have said, and what manner of people they be whom I do invite; for, to the
+end that none be deceived, I, in imitation of Lucilius, who did protest
+that he wrote only to his own Tarentines and Consentines, have not pierced
+this vessel for any else but you honest men, who are drinkers of the first
+edition, and gouty blades of the highest degree.  The great dorophages,
+bribe-mongers, have on their hands occupation enough, and enough on the
+hooks for their venison.  There may they follow their prey; here is no
+garbage for them.  You pettifoggers, garblers, and masters of chicanery,
+speak not to me, I beseech you, in the name of, and for the reverence you
+bear to the four hips that engendered you and to the quickening peg which
+at that time conjoined them.  As for hypocrites, much less; although they
+were all of them unsound in body, pockified, scurvy, furnished with
+unquenchable thirst and insatiable eating.  (And wherefore?)  Because
+indeed they are not of good but of evil, and of that evil from which we
+daily pray to God to deliver us.  And albeit we see them sometimes
+counterfeit devotion, yet never did old ape make pretty moppet.  Hence,
+mastiffs; dogs in a doublet, get you behind; aloof, villains, out of my
+sunshine; curs, to the devil!  Do you jog hither, wagging your tails, to
+pant at my wine, and bepiss my barrel?  Look, here is the cudgel which
+Diogenes, in his last will, ordained to be set by him after his death, for
+beating away, crushing the reins, and breaking the backs of these bustuary
+hobgoblins and Cerberian hellhounds.  Pack you hence, therefore, you
+hypocrites, to your sheep-dogs; get you gone, you dissemblers, to the
+devil!  Hay!  What, are you there yet?  I renounce my part of Papimanie, if
+I snatch you, Grr, Grrr, Grrrrrr.  Avaunt, avaunt!  Will you not be gone?
+May you never shit till you be soundly lashed with stirrup leather, never
+piss but by the strapado, nor be otherwise warmed than by the bastinado.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE THIRD BOOK.
+
+
+Chapter 3.I.
+
+How Pantagruel transported a colony of Utopians into Dipsody.
+
+Pantagruel, having wholly subdued the land of Dipsody, transported
+thereunto a colony of Utopians, to the number of 9,876,543,210 men, besides
+the women and little children, artificers of all trades, and professors of
+all sciences, to people, cultivate, and improve that country, which
+otherwise was ill inhabited, and in the greatest part thereof but a mere
+desert and wilderness; and did transport them (not) so much for the
+excessive multitude of men and women, which were in Utopia multiplied, for
+number, like grasshoppers upon the face of the land.  You understand well
+enough, nor is it needful further to explain it to you, that the Utopian
+men had so rank and fruitful genitories, and that the Utopian women carried
+matrixes so ample, so gluttonous, so tenaciously retentive, and so
+architectonically cellulated, that at the end of every ninth month seven
+children at the least, what male what female, were brought forth by every
+married woman, in imitation of the people of Israel in Egypt, if Anthony
+(Nicholas) de Lyra be to be trusted.  Nor yet was this transplantation made
+so much for the fertility of the soil, the wholesomeness of the air, or
+commodity of the country of Dipsody, as to retain that rebellious people
+within the bounds of their duty and obedience, by this new transport of his
+ancient and most faithful subjects, who, from all time out of mind, never
+knew, acknowledged, owned, or served any other sovereign lord but him; and
+who likewise, from the very instant of their birth, as soon as they were
+entered into this world, had, with the milk of their mothers and nurses,
+sucked in the sweetness, humanity, and mildness of his government, to which
+they were all of them so nourished and habituated, that there was nothing
+surer than that they would sooner abandon their lives than swerve from this
+singular and primitive obedience naturally due to their prince,
+whithersoever they should be dispersed or removed.
+
+And not only should they, and their children successively descending from
+their blood, be such, but also would keep and maintain in this same fealty
+and obsequious observance all the nations lately annexed to his empire;
+which so truly came to pass that therein he was not disappointed of his
+intent.  For if the Utopians were before their transplantation thither
+dutiful and faithful subjects, the Dipsodes, after some few days conversing
+with them, were every whit as, if not more, loyal than they; and that by
+virtue of I know not what natural fervency incident to all human creatures
+at the beginning of any labour wherein they take delight:  solemnly
+attesting the heavens and supreme intelligences of their being only sorry
+that no sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great renown of the
+good Pantagruel.
+
+Remark therefore here, honest drinkers, that the manner of preserving and
+retaining countries newly conquered in obedience is not, as hath been the
+erroneous opinion of some tyrannical spirits to their own detriment and
+dishonour, to pillage, plunder, force, spoil, trouble, oppress, vex,
+disquiet, ruin and destroy the people, ruling, governing and keeping them
+in awe with rods of iron; and, in a word, eating and devouring them, after
+the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked king, Demoboron, that is
+to say, a devourer of his people.
+
+I will not bring you to this purpose the testimony of ancient writers.  It
+shall suffice to put you in mind of what your fathers have seen thereof,
+and yourselves too, if you be not very babes.  Newborn, they must be given
+suck to, rocked in a cradle, and dandled.  Trees newly planted must be
+supported, underpropped, strengthened and defended against all tempests,
+mischiefs, injuries, and calamities.  And one lately saved from a long and
+dangerous sickness, and new upon his recovery, must be forborn, spared, and
+cherished, in such sort that they may harbour in their own breasts this
+opinion, that there is not in the world a king or a prince who does not
+desire fewer enemies and more friends.  Thus Osiris, the great king of the
+Egyptians, conquered almost the whole earth, not so much by force of arms
+as by easing the people of their troubles, teaching them how to live well,
+and honestly giving them good laws, and using them with all possible
+affability, courtesy, gentleness, and liberality.  Therefore was he by all
+men deservedly entitled the Great King Euergetes, that is to say,
+Benefactor, which style he obtained by virtue of the command of Jupiter to
+(one) Pamyla.
+
+And in effect, Hesiod, in his Hierarchy, placed the good demons (call them
+angels if you will, or geniuses,) as intercessors and mediators betwixt the
+gods and men, they being of a degree inferior to the gods, but superior to
+men.  And for that through their hands the riches and benefits we get from
+heaven are dealt to us, and that they are continually doing us good and
+still protecting us from evil, he saith that they exercise the offices of
+kings; because to do always good, and never ill, is an act most singularly
+royal.
+
+Just such another was the emperor of the universe, Alexander the
+Macedonian.  After this manner was Hercules sovereign possessor of the
+whole continent, relieving men from monstrous oppressions, exactions, and
+tyrannies; governing them with discretion, maintaining them in equity and
+justice, instructing them with seasonable policies and wholesome laws,
+convenient for and suitable to the soil, climate, and disposition of the
+country, supplying what was wanting, abating what was superfluous, and
+pardoning all that was past, with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all
+preceding offences, as was the amnesty of the Athenians, when by the
+prowess, valour, and industry of Thrasybulus the tyrants were
+exterminated; afterwards at Rome by Cicero exposed, and renewed under the
+Emperor Aurelian.  These are the philtres, allurements, iynges,
+inveiglements, baits, and enticements of love, by the means whereof that
+may be peaceably revived which was painfully acquired.  Nor can a
+conqueror reign more happily, whether he be a monarch, emperor, king,
+prince, or philosopher, than by making his justice to second his valour.
+His valour shows itself in victory and conquest; his justice will appear
+in the goodwill and affection of the people, when he maketh laws,
+publisheth ordinances, establisheth religion, and doth what is right to
+everyone, as the noble poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus:
+
+    Victorque volentes
+  Per populos dat jura.
+
+Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads calleth a good prince and great
+king Kosmetora laon, that is, the ornament of the people.
+
+Such was the consideration of Numa Pompilius, the second king of the
+Romans, a just politician and wise philosopher, when he ordained that to
+god Terminus, on the day of his festival called Terminales, nothing should
+be sacrificed that had died; teaching us thereby that the bounds, limits,
+and frontiers of kingdoms should be guarded, and preserved in peace, amity,
+and meekness, without polluting our hands with blood and robbery.  Who doth
+otherwise, shall not only lose what he hath gained, but also be loaded with
+this scandal and reproach, that he is an unjust and wicked purchaser, and
+his acquests perish with him; Juxta illud, male parta, male dilabuntur.
+And although during his whole lifetime he should have peaceable possession
+thereof, yet if what hath been so acquired moulder away in the hands of his
+heirs, the same opprobry, scandal, and imputation will be charged upon the
+defunct, and his memory remain accursed for his unjust and unwarrantable
+conquest; Juxta illud, de male quaesitis vix gaudet tertius haeres.
+
+Remark, likewise, gentlemen, you gouty feoffees, in this main point worthy
+of your observation, how by these means Pantagruel of one angel made two,
+which was a contingency opposite to the counsel of Charlemagne, who made
+two devils of one when he transplanted the Saxons into Flanders and the
+Flemings into Saxony.  For, not being able to keep in such subjection the
+Saxons, whose dominion he had joined to the empire, but that ever and anon
+they would break forth into open rebellion if he should casually be drawn
+into Spain or other remote kingdoms, he caused them to be brought unto his
+own country of Flanders, the inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him,
+and transported the Hainaults and Flemings, his ancient loving subjects,
+into Saxony, not mistrusting their loyalty now that they were transplanted
+into a strange land.  But it happened that the Saxons persisted in their
+rebellion and primitive obstinacy, and the Flemings dwelling in Saxony did
+imbibe the stubborn manners and conditions of the Saxons.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.II.
+
+How Panurge was made Laird of Salmigondin in Dipsody, and did waste his
+revenue before it came in.
+
+Whilst Pantagruel was giving order for the government of all Dipsody, he
+assigned to Panurge the lairdship of Salmigondin, which was yearly worth
+6,789,106,789 reals of certain rent, besides the uncertain revenue of the
+locusts and periwinkles, amounting, one year with another, to the value of
+435,768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry.  Sometimes it did amount to
+1,230,554,321 seraphs, when it was a good year, and that locusts and
+periwinkles were in request; but that was not every year.
+
+Now his worship, the new laird, husbanded this his estate so providently
+well and prudently, that in less than fourteen days he wasted and
+dilapidated all the certain and uncertain revenue of his lairdship for
+three whole years.  Yet did not he properly dilapidate it, as you might
+say, in founding of monasteries, building of churches, erecting of
+colleges, and setting up of hospitals, or casting his bacon-flitches to the
+dogs; but spent it in a thousand little banquets and jolly collations,
+keeping open house for all comers and goers; yea, to all good fellows,
+young girls, and pretty wenches; felling timber, burning great logs for the
+sale of the ashes, borrowing money beforehand, buying dear, selling cheap,
+and eating his corn, as it were, whilst it was but grass.
+
+Pantagruel, being advertised of this his lavishness, was in good sooth no
+way offended at the matter, angry nor sorry; for I once told you, and again
+tell it you, that he was the best, little, great goodman that ever girded a
+sword to his side.  He took all things in good part, and interpreted every
+action to the best sense.  He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the
+least pretence of dislike to anything, because he knew that he must have
+most grossly abandoned the divine mansion of reason if he had permitted his
+mind to be never so little grieved, afflicted, or altered at any occasion
+whatsoever.  For all the goods that the heaven covereth, and that the earth
+containeth, in all their dimensions of height, depth, breadth, and length,
+are not of so much worth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our
+affections, trouble or perplex our senses or spirits.
+
+He drew only Panurge aside, and then, making to him a sweet remonstrance
+and mild admonition, very gently represented before him in strong
+arguments, that, if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of
+living, and not become a better mesnagier, it would prove altogether
+impossible for him, or at least hugely difficult, at any time to make him
+rich.  Rich! answered Panurge; have you fixed your thoughts there?  Have
+you undertaken the task to enrich me in this world?  Set your mind to live
+merrily, in the name of God and good folks; let no other cark nor care be
+harboured within the sacrosanctified domicile of your celestial brain.  May
+the calmness and tranquillity thereof be never incommodated with, or
+overshadowed by any frowning clouds of sullen imaginations and displeasing
+annoyance!  For if you live joyful, merry, jocund, and glad, I cannot be
+but rich enough.  Everybody cries up thrift, thrift, and good husbandry.
+But many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his bow, and talk of that
+virtue of mesnagery who know not what belongs to it.  It is by me that they
+must be advised.  From me, therefore, take this advertisement and
+information, that what is imputed to me for a vice hath been done in
+imitation of the university and parliament of Paris, places in which is to
+be found the true spring and source of the lively idea of Pantheology and
+all manner of justice.  Let him be counted a heretic that doubteth thereof,
+and doth not firmly believe it.  Yet they in one day eat up their bishop,
+or the revenue of the bishopric--is it not all one?--for a whole year, yea,
+sometimes for two.  This is done on the day he makes his entry, and is
+installed.  Nor is there any place for an excuse; for he cannot avoid it,
+unless he would be hooted at and stoned for his parsimony.
+
+It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the habit of the four
+cardinal virtues.  Of prudence in borrowing money beforehand; for none
+knows what may fall out.  Who is able to tell if the world shall last yet
+three years?  But although it should continue longer, is there any man so
+foolish as to have the confidence to promise himself three years?
+
+  What fool so confident to say,
+  That he shall live one other day?
+
+Of commutative justice, in buying dear, I say, upon trust, and selling
+goods cheap, that is, for ready money.  What says Cato in his Book of
+Husbandry to this purpose?  The father of a family, says he, must be a
+perpetual seller; by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall
+become rich, if he have of vendible ware enough still ready for sale.
+
+Of distributive justice it doth partake, in giving entertainment to good
+--remark, good--and gentle fellows, whom fortune had shipwrecked, like
+Ulysses, upon the rock of a hungry stomach without provision of sustenance;
+and likewise to the good--remark, the good--and young wenches.  For,
+according to the sentence of Hippocrates, Youth is impatient of hunger,
+chiefly if it be vigorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, and bouncing.
+Which wanton lasses willingly and heartily devote themselves to the
+pleasure of honest men; and are in so far both Platonic and Ciceronian,
+that they do acknowledge their being born into this world not to be for
+themselves alone, but that in their proper persons their acquaintance may
+claim one share, and their friends another.
+
+The virtue of fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and
+overthrowing of the great trees, like a second Milo making havoc of the
+dark forest, which did serve only to furnish dens, caves, and shelter to
+wolves, wild boars, and foxes, and afford receptacles, withdrawing corners,
+and refuges to robbers, thieves, and murderers, lurking holes and skulking
+places for cutthroat assassinators, secret obscure shops for coiners of
+false money, and safe retreats for heretics, laying them even and level
+with the plain champaign fields and pleasant heathy ground, at the sound of
+the hautboys and bagpipes playing reeks with the high and stately timber,
+and preparing seats and benches for the eve of the dreadful day of
+judgment.
+
+I gave thereby proof of my temperance in eating my corn whilst it was but
+grass, like a hermit feeding upon salads and roots, that, so affranchising
+myself from the yoke of sensual appetites to the utter disclaiming of their
+sovereignty, I might the better reserve somewhat in store for the relief of
+the lame, blind, crippled, maimed, needy, poor, and wanting wretches.
+
+In taking this course I save the expense of the weed-grubbers, who gain
+money,--of the reapers in harvest-time, who drink lustily, and without
+water,--of gleaners, who will expect their cakes and bannocks,--of
+threshers, who leave no garlic, scallions, leeks, nor onions in our
+gardens, by the authority of Thestilis in Virgil,--and of the millers, who
+are generally thieves,--and of the bakers, who are little better.  Is this
+small saving or frugality?  Besides the mischief and damage of the
+field-mice, the decay of barns, and the destruction usually made by
+weasels and other vermin.
+
+Of corn in the blade you may make good green sauce of a light concoction
+and easy digestion, which recreates the brain and exhilarates the animal
+spirits, rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the taste,
+comforteth the heart, tickleth the tongue, cheereth the countenance,
+striking a fresh and lively colour, strengthening the muscles, tempers the
+blood, disburdens the midriff, refresheth the liver, disobstructs the
+spleen, easeth the kidneys, suppleth the reins, quickens the joints of the
+back, cleanseth the urine-conduits, dilates the spermatic vessels, shortens
+the cremasters, purgeth the bladder, puffeth up the genitories, correcteth
+the prepuce, hardens the nut, and rectifies the member.  It will make you
+have a current belly to trot, fart, dung, piss, sneeze, cough, spit, belch,
+spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breathe, snort, sweat, and set taut your Robin,
+with a thousand other rare advantages.  I understand you very well, says
+Pantagruel; you would thereby infer that those of a mean spirit and shallow
+capacity have not the skill to spend much in a short time.  You are not the
+first in whose conceit that heresy hath entered.  Nero maintained it, and
+above all mortals admired most his uncle Caius Caligula, for having in a
+few days, by a most wonderfully pregnant invention, totally spent all the
+goods and patrimony which Tiberius had left him.
+
+But, instead of observing the sumptuous supper-curbing laws of the Romans
+--to wit, the Orchia, the Fannia, the Didia, the Licinia, the Cornelia,
+the Lepidiana, the Antia, and of the Corinthians--by the which they were
+inhibited, under pain of great punishment, not to spend more in one year
+than their annual revenue did amount to, you have offered up the oblation
+of Protervia, which was with the Romans such a sacrifice as the paschal
+lamb was amongst the Jews, wherein all that was eatable was to be eaten,
+and the remainder to be thrown into the fire, without reserving anything
+for the next day.  I may very justly say of you, as Cato did of Albidius,
+who after that he had by a most extravagant expense wasted all the means
+and possessions he had to one only house, he fairly set it on fire, that he
+might the better say, Consummatum est.  Even just as since his time St.
+Thomas Aquinas did, when he had eaten up the whole lamprey, although there
+was no necessity in it.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.III.
+
+How Panurge praiseth the debtors and borrowers.
+
+But, quoth Pantagruel, when will you be out of debt?  At the next ensuing
+term of the Greek kalends, answered Panurge, when all the world shall be
+content, and that it be your fate to become your own heir.  The Lord forbid
+that I should be out of debt, as if, indeed, I could not be trusted.  Who
+leaves not some leaven over night, will hardly have paste the next morning.
+
+Be still indebted to somebody or other, that there may be somebody always
+to pray for you, that the giver of all good things may grant unto you a
+blessed, long, and prosperous life; fearing, if fortune should deal crossly
+with you, that it might be his chance to come short of being paid by you,
+he will always speak good of you in every company, ever and anon purchase
+new creditors unto you; to the end, that through their means you may make a
+shift by borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, and with other folk's earth fill
+up his ditch.  When of old, in the region of the Gauls, by the institution
+of the Druids, the servants, slaves, and bondmen were burnt quick at the
+funerals and obsequies of their lords and masters, had not they fear
+enough, think you, that their lords and masters should die?  For, perforce,
+they were to die with them for company.  Did not they incessantly send up
+their supplications to their great god Mercury, as likewise unto Dis, the
+father of wealth, to lengthen out their days, and to preserve them long in
+health?  Were not they very careful to entertain them well, punctually to
+look unto them, and to attend them faithfully and circumspectly?  For by
+those means were they to live together at least until the hour of death.
+Believe me, your creditors with a more fervent devotion will beseech
+Almighty God to prolong your life, they being of nothing more afraid than
+that you should die; for that they are more concerned for the sleeve than
+the arm, and love silver better than their own lives.  As it evidently
+appeareth by the usurers of Landerousse, who not long since hanged
+themselves because the price of the corn and wines was fallen by the return
+of a gracious season.  To this Pantagruel answering nothing, Panurge went
+on in his discourse, saying, Truly and in good sooth, sir, when I ponder my
+destiny aright, and think well upon it, you put me shrewdly to my plunges,
+and have me at a bay in twitting me with the reproach of my debts and
+creditors.  And yet did I, in this only respect and consideration of being
+a debtor, esteem myself worshipful, reverend, and formidable.  For against
+the opinion of most philosophers, that of nothing ariseth nothing, yet,
+without having bottomed on so much as that which is called the First
+Matter, did I out of nothing become such (a) maker and creator, that I have
+created--what?--a gay number of fair and jolly creditors.  Nay, creditors,
+I will maintain it, even to the very fire itself exclusively, are fair and
+goodly creatures.  Who lendeth nothing is an ugly and wicked creature, and
+an accursed imp of the infernal Old Nick.  And there is made--what?  Debts.
+A thing most precious and dainty, of great use and antiquity.  Debts, I
+say, surmounting the number of syllables which may result from the
+combinations of all the consonants, with each of the vowels heretofore
+projected, reckoned, and calculated by the noble Xenocrates.  To judge of
+the perfection of debtors by the numerosity of their creditors is the
+readiest way for entering into the mysteries of practical arithmetic.
+
+You can hardly imagine how glad I am, when every morning I perceive myself
+environed and surrounded with brigades of creditors--humble, fawning, and
+full of their reverences.  And whilst I remark that, as I look more
+favourably upon and give a cheerfuller countenance to one than to another,
+the fellow thereupon buildeth a conceit that he shall be the first
+despatched and the foremost in the date of payment, and he valueth my
+smiles at the rate of ready money, it seemeth unto me that I then act and
+personate the god of the passion of Saumure, accompanied with his angels
+and cherubims.
+
+These are my flatterers, my soothers, my clawbacks, my smoothers, my
+parasites, my saluters, my givers of good-morrows, and perpetual orators;
+which makes me verily think that the supremest height of heroic virtue
+described by Hesiod consisteth in being a debtor, wherein I held the first
+degree in my commencement.  Which dignity, though all human creatures seem
+to aim at and aspire thereto, few nevertheless, because of the difficulties
+in the way and encumbrances of hard passages, are able to reach it, as is
+easily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehement longing harboured in
+the breast of everyone to be still creating more debts and new creditors.
+
+Yet doth it not lie in the power of everyone to be a debtor.  To acquire
+creditors is not at the disposure of each man's arbitrament.  You
+nevertheless would deprive me of this sublime felicity.  You ask me when I
+will be out of debt.  Well, to go yet further on, and possibly worse in
+your conceit, may Saint Bablin, the good saint, snatch me, if I have not
+all my lifetime held debt to be as a union or conjunction of the heavens
+with the earth, and the whole cement whereby the race of mankind is kept
+together; yea, of such virtue and efficacy that, I say, the whole progeny
+of Adam would very suddenly perish without it.  Therefore, perhaps, I do
+not think amiss, when I repute it to be the great soul of the universe,
+which, according to the opinion of the Academics, vivifieth all manner of
+things.  In confirmation whereof, that you may the better believe it to be
+so, represent unto yourself, without any prejudicacy of spirit, in a clear
+and serene fancy, the idea and form of some other world than this; take, if
+you please, and lay hold on the thirtieth of those which the philosopher
+Metrodorus did enumerate, wherein it is to be supposed there is no debtor
+or creditor, that is to say, a world without debts.
+
+There amongst the planets will be no regular course, all will be in
+disorder.  Jupiter, reckoning himself to be nothing indebted unto Saturn,
+will go near to detrude him out of his sphere, and with the Homeric chain
+will be like to hang up the intelligences, gods, heavens, demons, heroes,
+devils, earth and sea, together with the other elements.  Saturn, no doubt,
+combining with Mars will reduce that so disturbed world into a chaos of
+confusion.
+
+Mercury then would be no more subjected to the other planets; he would
+scorn to be any longer their Camillus, as he was of old termed in the
+Etrurian tongue.  For it is to be imagined that he is no way a debtor to
+them.
+
+Venus will be no more venerable, because she shall have lent nothing.  The
+moon will remain bloody and obscure.  For to what end should the sun impart
+unto her any of his light?  He owed her nothing.  Nor yet will the sun
+shine upon the earth, nor the stars send down any good influence, because
+the terrestrial globe hath desisted from sending up their wonted
+nourishment by vapours and exhalations, wherewith Heraclitus said, the
+Stoics proved, Cicero maintained, they were cherished and alimented.  There
+would likewise be in such a world no manner of symbolization, alteration,
+nor transmutation amongst the elements; for the one will not esteem itself
+obliged to the other, as having borrowed nothing at all from it.  Earth
+then will not become water, water will not be changed into air, of air will
+be made no fire, and fire will afford no heat unto the earth; the earth
+will produce nothing but monsters, Titans, giants; no rain will descend
+upon it, nor light shine thereon; no wind will blow there, nor will there
+be in it any summer or harvest.  Lucifer will break loose, and issuing
+forth of the depth of hell, accompanied with his furies, fiends, and horned
+devils, will go about to unnestle and drive out of heaven all the gods, as
+well of the greater as of the lesser nations.  Such a world without lending
+will be no better than a dog-kennel, a place of contention and wrangling,
+more unruly and irregular than that of the rector of Paris; a devil of an
+hurlyburly, and more disordered confusion than that of the plagues of
+Douay.  Men will not then salute one another; it will be but lost labour to
+expect aid or succour from any, or to cry fire, water, murder, for none
+will put to their helping hand.  Why?  He lent no money, there is nothing
+due to him.  Nobody is concerned in his burning, in his shipwreck, in his
+ruin, or in his death; and that because he hitherto had lent nothing, and
+would never thereafter have lent anything.  In short, Faith, Hope, and
+Charity would be quite banished from such a world--for men are born to
+relieve and assist one another; and in their stead should succeed and be
+introduced Defiance, Disdain, and Rancour, with the most execrable troop of
+all evils, all imprecations, and all miseries.  Whereupon you will think,
+and that not amiss, that Pandora had there spilt her unlucky bottle.  Men
+unto men will be wolves, hobthrushers, and goblins (as were Lycaon,
+Bellerophon, Nebuchodonosor), plunderers, highway robbers, cutthroats,
+rapparees, murderers, poisoners, assassinators, lewd, wicked, malevolent,
+pernicious haters, set against everybody, like to Ishmael, Metabus, or
+Timon the Athenian, who for that cause was named Misanthropos, in such
+sort that it would prove much more easy in nature to have fish entertained
+in the air and bullocks fed in the bottom of the ocean, than to support or
+tolerate a rascally rabble of people that will not lend.  These fellows, I
+vow, do I hate with a perfect hatred; and if, conform to the pattern of
+this grievous, peevish, and perverse world which lendeth nothing, you
+figure and liken the little world, which is man, you will find in him a
+terrible justling coil and clutter.  The head will not lend the sight of
+his eyes to guide the feet and hands; the legs will refuse to bear up the
+body; the hands will leave off working any more for the rest of the
+members; the heart will be weary of its continual motion for the beating of
+the pulse, and will no longer lend his assistance; the lungs will withdraw
+the use of their bellows; the liver will desist from convoying any more
+blood through the veins for the good of the whole; the bladder will not be
+indebted to the kidneys, so that the urine thereby will be totally stopped.
+The brains, in the interim, considering this unnatural course, will fall
+into a raving dotage, and withhold all feeling from the sinews and motion
+from the muscles.  Briefly, in such a world without order and array, owing
+nothing, lending nothing, and borrowing nothing, you would see a more
+dangerous conspiration than that which Aesop exposed in his Apologue.  Such
+a world will perish undoubtedly; and not only perish, but perish very
+quickly.  Were it Aesculapius himself, his body would immediately rot, and
+the chafing soul, full of indignation, take its flight to all the devils of
+hell after my money.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.IV.
+
+Panurge continueth his discourse in the praise of borrowers and lenders.
+
+On the contrary, be pleased to represent unto your fancy another world,
+wherein everyone lendeth and everyone oweth, all are debtors and all
+creditors.  O how great will that harmony be, which shall thereby result
+from the regular motions of the heavens!  Methinks I hear it every whit as
+well as ever Plato did.  What sympathy will there be amongst the elements!
+O how delectable then unto nature will be our own works and productions!
+Whilst Ceres appeareth laden with corn, Bacchus with wines, Flora with
+flowers, Pomona with fruits, and Juno fair in a clear air, wholesome and
+pleasant.  I lose myself in this high contemplation.
+
+Then will among the race of mankind peace, love, benevolence, fidelity,
+tranquillity, rest, banquets, feastings, joy, gladness, gold, silver,
+single money, chains, rings, with other ware and chaffer of that nature be
+found to trot from hand to hand.  No suits at law, no wars, no strife,
+debate, nor wrangling; none will be there a usurer, none will be there a
+pinch-penny, a scrape-good wretch, or churlish hard-hearted refuser.  Good
+God!  Will not this be the golden age in the reign of Saturn? the true idea
+of the Olympic regions, wherein all (other) virtues cease, charity alone
+ruleth, governeth, domineereth, and triumpheth?  All will be fair and
+goodly people there, all just and virtuous.
+
+O happy world!  O people of that world most happy!  Yea, thrice and four
+times blessed is that people!  I think in very deed that I am amongst them,
+and swear to you, by my good forsooth, that if this glorious aforesaid
+world had a pope, abounding with cardinals, that so he might have the
+association of a sacred college, in the space of very few years you should
+be sure to see the saints much thicker in the roll, more numerous,
+wonder-working and mirific, more services, more vows, more staves and
+wax-candles than are all those in the nine bishoprics of Britany, St. Yves
+only excepted.  Consider, sir, I pray you, how the noble Patelin, having a
+mind to deify and extol even to the third heavens the father of William
+Josseaulme, said no more but this, And he did lend his goods to those who
+were desirous of them.
+
+O the fine saying!  Now let our microcosm be fancied conform to this model
+in all its members; lending, borrowing, and owing, that is to say,
+according to its own nature.  For nature hath not to any other end created
+man, but to owe, borrow, and lend; no greater is the harmony amongst the
+heavenly spheres than that which shall be found in its well-ordered policy.
+The intention of the founder of this microcosm is, to have a soul therein
+to be entertained, which is lodged there, as a guest with its host, (that)
+it may live there for a while.  Life consisteth in blood, blood is the seat
+of the soul; therefore the chiefest work of the microcosm is, to be making
+blood continually.
+
+At this forge are exercised all the members of the body; none is exempted
+from labour, each operates apart, and doth its proper office.  And such is
+their heirarchy, that perpetually the one borrows from the other, the one
+lends the other, and the one is the other's debtor.  The stuff and matter
+convenient, which nature giveth to be turned into blood, is bread and wine.
+All kind of nourishing victuals is understood to be comprehended in these
+two, and from hence in the Gothish tongue is called companage.  To find out
+this meat and drink, to prepare and boil it, the hands are put to work, the
+feet do walk and bear up the whole bulk of the corporal mass; the eyes
+guide and conduct all; the appetite in the orifice of the stomach, by means
+of (a) little sourish black humour, called melancholy, which is transmitted
+thereto from the milt, giveth warning to shut in the food.  The tongue doth
+make the first essay, and tastes it; the teeth do chew it, and the stomach
+doth receive, digest, and chylify it.  The mesaraic veins suck out of it
+what is good and fit, leaving behind the excrements, which are, through
+special conduits for that purpose, voided by an expulsive faculty.
+Thereafter it is carried to the liver, where it being changed again, it by
+the virtue of that new transmutation becomes blood.  What joy, conjecture
+you, will then be found amongst those officers when they see this rivulet
+of gold, which is their sole restorative?  No greater is the joy of
+alchemists, when after long travail, toil, and expense they see in their
+furnaces the transmutation.  Then is it that every member doth prepare
+itself, and strive anew to purify and to refine this treasure.  The kidneys
+through the emulgent veins draw that aquosity from thence which you call
+urine, and there send it away through the ureters to be slipped downwards;
+where, in a lower receptacle, and proper for it, to wit, the bladder, it is
+kept, and stayeth there until an opportunity to void it out in his due
+time.  The spleen draweth from the blood its terrestrial part, viz., the
+grounds, lees, or thick substance settled in the bottom thereof, which you
+term melancholy.  The bottle of the gall subtracts from thence all the
+superfluous choler; whence it is brought to another shop or work-house to
+be yet better purified and fined, that is, the heart, which by its
+agitation of diastolic and systolic motions so neatly subtilizeth and
+inflames it, that in the right side ventricle it is brought to perfection,
+and through the veins is sent to all the members.  Each parcel of the body
+draws it then unto itself, and after its own fashion is cherished and
+alimented by it.  Feet, hands, thighs, arms, eyes, ears, back, breast, yea,
+all; and then it is, that who before were lenders, now become debtors.  The
+heart doth in its left side ventricle so thinnify the blood, that it
+thereby obtains the name of spiritual; which being sent through the
+arteries to all the members of the body, serveth to warm and winnow the
+other blood which runneth through the veins.  The lights never cease with
+its lappets and bellows to cool and refresh it, in acknowledgment of which
+good the heart, through the arterial vein, imparts unto it the choicest of
+its blood.  At last it is made so fine and subtle within the rete mirabile,
+that thereafter those animal spirits are framed and composed of it, by
+means whereof the imagination, discourse, judgment, resolution,
+deliberation, ratiocination, and memory have their rise, actings, and
+operations.
+
+Cops body, I sink, I drown, I perish, I wander astray, and quite fly out of
+myself when I enter into the consideration of the profound abyss of this
+world, thus lending, thus owing.  Believe me, it is a divine thing to
+lend,--to owe, an heroic virtue.  Yet is not this all.  This little world
+thus lending, owing, and borrowing, is so good and charitable, that no
+sooner is the above-specified alimentation finished, but that it forthwith
+projecteth, and hath already forecast, how it shall lend to those who are
+not as yet born, and by that loan endeavour what it may to eternize itself,
+and multiply in images like the pattern, that is, children.  To this end
+every member doth of the choicest and most precious of its nourishment pare
+and cut off a portion, then instantly despatcheth it downwards to that
+place where nature hath prepared for it very fit vessels and receptacles,
+through which descending to the genitories by long ambages, circuits, and
+flexuosities, it receiveth a competent form, and rooms apt enough both in
+man and woman for the future conservation and perpetuating of human kind.
+All this is done by loans and debts of the one unto the other; and hence
+have we this word, the debt of marriage.  Nature doth reckon pain to the
+refuser, with a most grievous vexation to his members and an outrageous
+fury amidst his senses.  But, on the other part, to the lender a set
+reward, accompanied with pleasure, joy, solace, mirth, and merry glee.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.V.
+
+How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and borrowers.
+
+I understand you very well, quoth Pantagruel, and take you to be very good
+at topics, and thoroughly affectioned to your own cause.  But preach it up,
+and patrocinate it, prattle on it, and defend it as much as you will, even
+from hence to the next Whitsuntide, if you please so to do, yet in the end
+you will be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all
+upon me, nor persuaded me by your fair speeches and smooth talk to enter
+never so little into the thraldom of debt.  You shall owe to none, saith
+the holy Apostle, anything save love, friendship, and a mutual benevolence.
+
+You serve me here, I confess, with fine graphides and diatyposes,
+descriptions and figures, which truly please me very well.  But let me tell
+you, if you will represent unto your fancy an impudent blustering bully and
+an importunate borrower, entering afresh and newly into a town already
+advertised of his manners, you shall find that at his ingress the citizens
+will be more hideously affrighted and amazed, and in a greater terror and
+fear, dread, and trembling, than if the pest itself should step into it in
+the very same garb and accoutrement wherein the Tyanean philosopher found
+it within the city of Ephesus.  And I am fully confirmed in the opinion,
+that the Persians erred not when they said that the second vice was to lie,
+the first being that of owing money.  For, in very truth, debts and lying
+are ordinarily joined together.  I will nevertheless not from hence infer
+that none must owe anything or lend anything.  For who so rich can be that
+sometimes may not owe, or who can be so poor that sometimes may not lend?
+
+Let the occasion, notwithstanding, in that case, as Plato very wisely
+sayeth and ordaineth in his laws, be such that none be permitted to draw
+any water out of his neighbour's well until first they by continual digging
+and delving into their own proper ground shall have hit upon a kind of
+potter's earth, which is called ceramite, and there had found no source or
+drop of water; for that sort of earth, by reason of its substance, which is
+fat, strong, firm, and close, so retaineth its humidity, that it doth not
+easily evaporate it by any outward excursion or evaporation.
+
+In good sooth, it is a great shame to choose rather to be still borrowing
+in all places from everyone, than to work and win.  Then only in my
+judgment should one lend, when the diligent, toiling, and industrious
+person is no longer able by his labour to make any purchase unto himself,
+or otherwise, when by mischance he hath suddenly fallen into an unexpected
+loss of his goods.
+
+Howsoever, let us leave this discourse, and from henceforwards do not hang
+upon creditors, nor tie yourself to them.  I make account for the time past
+to rid you freely of them, and from their bondage to deliver you.  The
+least I should in this point, quoth Panurge, is to thank you, though it be
+the most I can do.  And if gratitude and thanksgiving be to be estimated
+and prized by the affection of the benefactor, that is to be done
+infinitely and sempiternally; for the love which you bear me of your own
+accord and free grace, without any merit of mine, goeth far beyond the
+reach of any price or value.  It transcends all weight, all number, all
+measure; it is endless and everlasting; therefore, should I offer to
+commensurate and adjust it, either to the size and proportion of your own
+noble and gracious deeds, or yet to the contentment and delight of the
+obliged receivers, I would come off but very faintly and flaggingly.  You
+have verily done me a great deal of good, and multiplied your favours on me
+more frequently than was fitting to one of my condition.  You have been
+more bountiful towards me than I have deserved, and your courtesies have by
+far surpassed the extent of my merits, I must needs confess it.  But it is
+not, as you suppose, in the proposed matter.  For there it is not where I
+itch, it is not there where it fretteth, hurts, or vexeth me; for,
+henceforth being quit and out of debt, what countenance will I be able to
+keep?  You may imagine that it will become me very ill for the first month,
+because I have never hitherto been brought up or accustomed to it.  I am
+very much afraid of it.  Furthermore, there shall not one hereafter, native
+of the country of Salmigondy, but he shall level the shot towards my nose.
+All the back-cracking fellows of the world, in discharging of their postern
+petarades, use commonly to say, Voila pour les quittes, that is, For the
+quit.  My life will be of very short continuance, I do foresee it.  I
+recommend to you the making of my epitaph; for I perceive I will die
+confected in the very stench of farts.  If, at any time to come, by way of
+restorative to such good women as shall happen to be troubled with the
+grievous pain of the wind-colic, the ordinary medicaments prove nothing
+effectual, the mummy of all my befarted body will straight be as a present
+remedy appointed by the physicians; whereof they, taking any small modicum,
+it will incontinently for their ease afford them a rattle of bumshot, like
+a sal of muskets.
+
+Therefore would I beseech you to leave me some few centuries of debts; as
+King Louis the Eleventh, exempting from suits in law the Reverend Miles
+d'Illiers, Bishop of Chartres, was by the said bishop most earnestly
+solicited to leave him some few for the exercise of his mind.  I had rather
+give them all my revenue of the periwinkles, together with the other
+incomes of the locusts, albeit I should not thereby have any parcel abated
+from off the principal sums which I owe.  Let us waive this matter, quoth
+Pantagruel, I have told it you over again.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.VI.
+
+Why new married men were privileged from going to the wars.
+
+But, in the interim, asked Panurge, by what law was it constituted,
+ordained, and established, that such as should plant a new vineyard, those
+that should build a new house, and the new married men, should be exempted
+and discharged from the duty of warfare for the first year?  By the law,
+answered Pantagruel, of Moses.  Why, replied Panurge, the lately married?
+As for the vine-planters, I am now too old to reflect on them; my
+condition, at this present, induceth me to remain satisfied with the care
+of vintage, finishing and turning the grapes into wine.  Nor are these
+pretty new builders of dead stones written or pricked down in my Book of
+Life.  It is all with live stones that I set up and erect the fabrics of my
+architecture, to wit, men.  It was, according to my opinion, quoth
+Pantagruel, to the end, first, that the fresh married folks should for the
+first year reap a full and complete fruition of their pleasures in their
+mutual exercise of the act of love, in such sort, that in waiting more at
+leisure on the production of posterity and propagating of their progeny,
+they might the better increase their race and make provision of new heirs.
+That if, in the years thereafter, the men should, upon their undergoing of
+some military adventure, happen to be killed, their names and coats-of-arms
+might continue with their children in the same families.  And next, that,
+the wives thereby coming to know whether they were barren or fruitful--for
+one year's trial, in regard of the maturity of age wherein of old they
+married, was held sufficient for the discovery--they might pitch the more
+suitably, in case of their first husband's decease, upon a second match.
+The fertile women to be wedded to those who desire to multiply their issue;
+and the sterile ones to such other mates, as, misregarding the storing of
+their own lineage, choose them only for their virtues, learning, genteel
+behaviour, domestic consolation, management of the house, and matrimonial
+conveniences and comforts, and such like.  The preachers of Varennes, saith
+Panurge, detest and abhor the second marriages, as altogether foolish and
+dishonest.
+
+Foolish and dishonest? quoth Pantagruel.  A plague take such preachers!
+Yea but, quoth Panurge, the like mischief also befall the Friar Charmer,
+who, in a full auditory making a sermon at Pereilly, and therein
+abominating the reiteration of marriage and the entering again in the bonds
+of a nuptial tie, did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest devil
+in hell, if he had not rather choose, and would much more willingly
+undertake the unmaidening or depucelating of a hundred virgins, than the
+simple drudgery of one widow.  Truly I find your reason in that point right
+good and strongly grounded.
+
+But what would you think, if the cause why this exemption or immunity was
+granted had no other foundation but that, during the whole space of the
+said first year, they so lustily bobbed it with their female consorts, as
+both reason and equity require they should do, that they had drained and
+evacuated their spermatic vessels; and were become thereby altogether
+feeble, weak, emasculated, drooping, and flaggingly pithless; yea, in such
+sort that they in the day of battle, like ducks which plunge over head and
+ears, would sooner hide themselves behind the baggage, than, in the company
+of valiant fighters and daring military combatants, appear where stern
+Bellona deals her blows and moves a bustling noise of thwacks and thumps?
+Nor is it to be thought that, under the standard of Mars, they will so much
+as once strike a fair stroke, because their most considerable knocks have
+been already jerked and whirrited within the curtains of his sweetheart
+Venus.
+
+In confirmation whereof, amongst other relics and monuments of antiquity,
+we now as yet often see, that in all great houses, after the expiring of
+some few days, these young married blades are readily sent away to visit
+their uncles, that in the absence of their wives reposing themselves a
+little they may recover their decayed strength by the recruit of a fresh
+supply, the more vigorous to return again and face about to renew the
+duelling shock and conflict of an amorous dalliance, albeit for the greater
+part they have neither uncle nor aunt to go to.
+
+Just so did the King Crackart, after the battle of the Cornets, not cashier
+us (speaking properly), I mean me and the Quail-caller, but for our
+refreshment remanded us to our houses; and he is as yet seeking after his
+own.  My grandfather's godmother was wont to say to me when I was a boy,--
+
+  Patenostres et oraisons
+  Sont pour ceux-la, qui les retiennent.
+  Ung fiffre en fenaisons
+  Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent.
+
+  Not orisons nor patenotres
+  Shall ever disorder my brain.
+  One cadet, to the field as he flutters,
+  Is worth two, when they end the campaign.
+
+That which prompteth me to that opinion is, that the vine-planters did
+seldom eat of the grapes, or drink of the wine of their labour, till the
+first year was wholly elapsed.  During all which time also the builders did
+hardly inhabit their new-structured dwelling-places, for fear of dying
+suffocated through want of respiration; as Galen hath most learnedly
+remarked, in the second book of the Difficulty of Breathing.  Under favour,
+sir, I have not asked this question without cause causing and reason truly
+very ratiocinant.  Be not offended, I pray you.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.VII.
+
+How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and forbore to wear any longer his
+magnificent codpiece.
+
+Panurge, the day thereafter, caused pierce his right ear after the Jewish
+fashion, and thereto clasped a little gold ring, of a ferny-like kind of
+workmanship, in the beazil or collet whereof was set and enchased a flea;
+and, to the end you may be rid of all doubts, you are to know that the flea
+was black.  O, what a brave thing it is, in every case and circumstance of
+a matter, to be thoroughly well informed!  The sum of the expense hereof,
+being cast up, brought in, and laid down upon his council-board carpet, was
+found to amount to no more quarterly than the charge of the nuptials of a
+Hircanian tigress; even, as you would say, 600,000 maravedis.  At these
+vast costs and excessive disbursements, as soon as he perceived himself to
+be out of debt, he fretted much; and afterwards, as tyrants and lawyers use
+to do, he nourished and fed her with the sweat and blood of his subjects
+and clients.
+
+He then took four French ells of a coarse brown russet cloth, and therein
+apparelling himself, as with a long, plain-seamed, and single-stitched
+gown, left off the wearing of his breeches, and tied a pair of spectacles
+to his cap.  In this equipage did he present himself before Pantagruel; to
+whom this disguise appeared the more strange, that he did not, as before,
+see that goodly, fair, and stately codpiece, which was the sole anchor of
+hope wherein he was wonted to rely, and last refuge he had midst all the
+waves and boisterous billows which a stormy cloud in a cross fortune would
+raise up against him.  Honest Pantagruel, not understanding the mystery,
+asked him, by way of interrogatory, what he did intend to personate in that
+new-fangled prosopopoeia.  I have, answered Panurge, a flea in mine ear,
+and have a mind to marry.  In a good time, quoth Pantagruel, you have told
+me joyful tidings.  Yet would not I hold a red-hot iron in my hand for all
+the gladness of them.  But it is not the fashion of lovers to be accoutred
+in such dangling vestments, so as to have their shirts flagging down over
+their knees, without breeches, and with a long robe of a dark brown mingled
+hue, which is a colour never used in Talarian garments amongst any persons
+of honour, quality, or virtue.  If some heretical persons and schismatical
+sectaries have at any time formerly been so arrayed and clothed (though
+many have imputed such a kind of dress to cosenage, cheat, imposture, and
+an affectation of tyranny upon credulous minds of the rude multitude), I
+will nevertheless not blame them for it, nor in that point judge rashly or
+sinistrously of them.  Everyone overflowingly aboundeth in his own sense
+and fancy; yea, in things of a foreign consideration, altogether
+extrinsical and indifferent, which in and of themselves are neither
+commendable nor bad, because they proceed not from the interior of the
+thoughts and heart, which is the shop of all good and evil; of goodness, if
+it be upright, and that its affections be regulated by the pure and clean
+spirit of righteousness; and, on the other side, of wickedness, if its
+inclinations, straying beyond the bounds of equity, be corrupted and
+depraved by the malice and suggestions of the devil.  It is only the
+novelty and new-fangledness thereof which I dislike, together with the
+contempt of common custom and the fashion which is in use.
+
+The colour, answered Panurge, is convenient, for it is conform to that
+of my council-board carpet; therefore will I henceforth hold me with it,
+and more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hitherto I have done look to
+my affairs and business.  Seeing I am once out of debt, you never yet saw
+man more unpleasing than I will be, if God help me not.  Lo, here be my
+spectacles.  To see me afar off, you would readily say that it were Friar
+(John) Burgess.  I believe certainly that in the next ensuing year I shall
+once more preach the Crusade.  Bounce, buckram.  Do you see this russet?
+Doubt not but there lurketh under it some hid property and occult virtue
+known to very few in the world.  I did not take it on before this morning,
+and, nevertheless, am already in a rage of lust, mad after a wife, and
+vehemently hot upon untying the codpiece-point; I itch, I tingle, I
+wriggle, and long exceedingly to be married, that, without the danger of
+cudgel-blows, I may labour my female copes-mate with the hard push of a
+bull-horned devil.  O the provident and thrifty husband that I then will
+be!  After my death, with all honour and respect due to my frugality, will
+they burn the sacred bulk of my body, of purpose to preserve the ashes
+thereof, in memory of the choicest pattern that ever was of a perfectly
+wary and complete householder.  Cops body, this is not the carpet whereon
+my treasurer shall be allowed to play false in his accounts with me, by
+setting down an X for a V, or an L for an S.  For in that case should I
+make a hail of fisticuffs to fly into his face.  Look upon me, sir, both
+before and behind,--it is made after the manner of a toga, which was the
+ancient fashion of the Romans in time of peace.  I took the mode, shape,
+and form thereof in Trajan's Column at Rome, as also in the Triumphant Arch
+of Septimus Severus.  I am tired of the wars, weary of wearing buff-coats,
+cassocks, and hoquetons.  My shoulders are pitifully worn and bruised with
+the carrying of harness.  Let armour cease, and the long robe bear sway!
+At least it must be so for the whole space of the succeeding year, if I be
+married; as yesterday, by the Mosaic law, you evidenced.  In what
+concerneth the breeches, my great-aunt Laurence did long ago tell me, that
+the breeches were only ordained for the use of the codpiece, and to no
+other end; which I, upon a no less forcible consequence, give credit to
+every whit, as well as to the saying of the fine fellow Galen, who in his
+ninth book, Of the Use and Employment of our Members, allegeth that the
+head was made for the eyes.  For nature might have placed our heads in our
+knees or elbows, but having beforehand determined that the eyes should
+serve to discover things from afar, she for the better enabling them to
+execute their designed office, fixed them in the head, as on the top of a
+long pole, in the most eminent part of all the body--no otherwise than we
+see the phares, or high towers erected in the mouths of havens, that
+navigators may the further off perceive with ease the lights of the nightly
+fires and lanterns.  And because I would gladly, for some short while, a
+year at least, take a little rest and breathing time from the toilsome
+labour of the military profession, that is to say, be married, I have
+desisted from wearing any more a codpiece, and consequently have laid aside
+my breeches.  For the codpiece is the principal and most especial piece of
+armour that a warrior doth carry; and therefore do I maintain even to the
+fire (exclusively, understand you me), that no Turks can properly be said
+to be armed men, in regard that codpieces are by their law forbidden to be
+worn.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.VIII.
+
+Why the codpiece is held to be the chief piece of armour amongst warriors.
+
+Will you maintain, quoth Pantagruel, that the codpiece is the chief piece
+of a military harness?  It is a new kind of doctrine, very paradoxical; for
+we say, At spurs begins the arming of a man.  Sir, I maintain it, answered
+Panurge, and not wrongfully do I maintain it.  Behold how nature, having a
+fervent desire, after its production of plants, trees, shrubs, herbs,
+sponges, and plant-animals, to eternize and continue them unto all
+succession of ages (in their several kinds or sorts, at least, although the
+individuals perish) unruinable, and in an everlasting being, hath most
+curiously armed and fenced their buds, sprouts, shoots, and seeds, wherein
+the above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth, by strengthening, covering,
+guarding, and fortifying them with an admirable industry, with husks,
+cases, scurfs and swads, hulls, cods, stones, films, cartels, shells, ears,
+rinds, barks, skins, ridges, and prickles, which serve them instead of
+strong, fair, and natural codpieces.  As is manifestly apparent in pease,
+beans, fasels, pomegranates, peaches, cottons, gourds, pumpions, melons,
+corn, lemons, almonds, walnuts, filberts, and chestnuts; as likewise in all
+plants, slips, or sets whatsoever, wherein it is plainly and evidently
+seen, that the sperm and semence is more closely veiled, overshadowed,
+corroborated, and thoroughly harnessed, than any other part, portion, or
+parcel of the whole.
+
+Nature, nevertheless, did not after that manner provide for the
+sempiternizing of (the) human race; but, on the contrary, created man
+naked, tender, and frail, without either offensive or defensive arms; and
+that in the estate of innocence, in the first age of all, which was the
+golden season; not as a plant, but living creature, born for peace, not
+war, and brought forth into the world with an unquestionable right and
+title to the plenary fruition and enjoyment of all fruits and vegetables,
+as also to a certain calm and gentle rule and dominion over all kinds of
+beasts, fowls, fishes, reptiles, and insects.  Yet afterwards it happening
+in the time of the iron age, under the reign of Jupiter, when, to the
+multiplication of mischievous actions, wickedness and malice began to take
+root and footing within the then perverted hearts of men, that the earth
+began to bring forth nettles, thistles, thorns, briars, and such other
+stubborn and rebellious vegetables to the nature of man.  Nor scarce was
+there any animal which by a fatal disposition did not then revolt from him,
+and tacitly conspire and covenant with one another to serve him no longer,
+nor, in case of their ability to resist, to do him any manner of obedience,
+but rather, to the uttermost of their power, to annoy him with all the hurt
+and harm they could.  The man, then, that he might maintain his primitive
+right and prerogative, and continue his sway and dominion over all, both
+vegetable and sensitive creatures, and knowing of a truth that he could not
+be well accommodated as he ought without the servitude and subjection of
+several animals, bethought himself that of necessity he must needs put on
+arms, and make provision of harness against wars and violence.  By the holy
+Saint Babingoose, cried out Pantagruel, you are become, since the last
+rain, a great lifrelofre,--philosopher, I should say.  Take notice, sir,
+quoth Panurge, when Dame Nature had prompted him to his own arming, what
+part of the body it was, where, by her inspiration, he clapped on the first
+harness.  It was forsooth by the double pluck of my little dog the ballock
+and good Senor Don Priapos Stabo-stando--which done, he was content, and
+sought no more.  This is certified by the testimony of the great Hebrew
+captain (and) philosopher Moses, who affirmeth that he fenced that member
+with a brave and gallant codpiece, most exquisitely framed, and by right
+curious devices of a notably pregnant invention made up and composed of
+fig-tree leaves, which by reason of their solid stiffness, incisory
+notches, curled frizzling, sleeked smoothness, large ampleness, together
+with their colour, smell, virtue, and faculty, were exceeding proper and
+fit for the covering and arming of the satchels of generation--the
+hideously big Lorraine cullions being from thence only excepted, which,
+swaggering down to the lowermost bottom of the breeches, cannot abide, for
+being quite out of all order and method, the stately fashion of the high
+and lofty codpiece; as is manifest by the noble Valentine Viardiere, whom I
+found at Nancy, on the first day of May--the more flauntingly to
+gallantrize it afterwards--rubbing his ballocks, spread out upon a table
+after the manner of a Spanish cloak.  Wherefore it is, that none should
+henceforth say, who would not speak improperly, when any country bumpkin
+hieth to the wars, Have a care, my roister, of the wine-pot, that is, the
+skull, but, Have a care, my roister, of the milk-pot, that is, the
+testicles.  By the whole rabble of the horned fiends of hell, the head
+being cut off, that single person only thereby dieth.  But, if the ballocks
+be marred, the whole race of human kind would forthwith perish, and be lost
+for ever.
+
+This was the motive which incited the goodly writer Galen, Lib. 1. De
+Spermate, to aver with boldness that it were better, that is to say, a less
+evil, to have no heart at all than to be quite destitute of genitories; for
+there is laid up, conserved, and put in store, as in a secessive repository
+and sacred warehouse, the semence and original source of the whole
+offspring of mankind.  Therefore would I be apt to believe, for less than a
+hundred francs, that those are the very same stones by means whereof
+Deucalion and Pyrrha restored the human race, in peopling with men and
+women the world, which a little before that had been drowned in the
+overflowing waves of a poetical deluge.  This stirred up the valiant
+Justinian, L. 4. De Cagotis tollendis, to collocate his Summum Bonum, in
+Braguibus, et Braguetis.  For this and other causes, the Lord Humphrey de
+Merville, following of his king to a certain warlike expedition, whilst he
+was in trying upon his own person a new suit of armour, for of his old
+rusty harness he could make no more use, by reason that some few years
+since the skin of his belly was a great way removed from his kidneys, his
+lady thereupon, in the profound musing of a contemplative spirit, very
+maturely considering that he had but small care of the staff of love and
+packet of marriage, seeing he did no otherwise arm that part of the body
+than with links of mail, advised him to shield, fence, and gabionate it
+with a big tilting helmet which she had lying in her closet, to her
+otherwise utterly unprofitable.  On this lady were penned these subsequent
+verses, which are extant in the third book of the Shitbrana of Paltry
+Wenches.
+
+  When Yoland saw her spouse equipp'd for fight,
+  And, save the codpiece, all in armour dight,
+  My dear, she cried, why, pray, of all the rest
+  Is that exposed, you know I love the best?
+  Was she to blame for an ill-managed fear,--
+  Or rather pious, conscionable care?
+  Wise lady, she!  In hurlyburly fight,
+  Can any tell where random blows may light?
+
+Leave off then, sir, from being astonished, and wonder no more at this new
+manner of decking and trimming up of myself as you now see me.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.IX.
+
+How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel whether he should marry, yea, or
+no.
+
+To this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge prosecuted the discourse he
+had already broached, and therewithal fetching, as from the bottom of his
+heart, a very deep sigh, said, My lord and master, you have heard the
+design I am upon, which is to marry, if by some disastrous mischance all
+the holes in the world be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bushed.  I
+humbly beseech you, for the affection which of a long time you have borne
+me, to give me your best advice therein.  Then, answered Pantagruel, seeing
+you have so decreed, taken deliberation thereon, and that the matter is
+fully determined, what need is there of any further talk thereof, but
+forthwith to put it into execution what you have resolved?  Yea but, quoth
+Panurge, I would be loth to act anything therein without your counsel had
+thereto.  It is my judgment also, quoth Pantagruel, and I advise you to it.
+Nevertheless, quoth Panurge, if I understood aright that it were much
+better for me to remain a bachelor as I am, than to run headlong upon new
+hairbrained undertakings of conjugal adventure, I would rather choose not
+to marry.  Quoth Pantagruel, Then do not marry.  Yea but, quoth Panurge,
+would you have me so solitarily drive out the whole course of my life,
+without the comfort of a matrimonial consort?  You know it is written, Vae
+soli! and a single person is never seen to reap the joy and solace that is
+found with married folks.  Then marry, in the name of God, quoth
+Pantagruel.  But if, quoth Panurge, my wife should make me a cuckold--as it
+is not unknown unto you, how this hath been a very plentiful year in the
+production of that kind of cattle--I would fly out, and grow impatient
+beyond all measure and mean.  I love cuckolds with my heart, for they seem
+unto me to be of a right honest conversation, and I truly do very willingly
+frequent their company; but should I die for it, I would not be one of
+their number.  That is a point for me of a too sore prickling point.  Then
+do not marry, quoth Pantagruel, for without all controversy this sentence
+of Seneca is infallibly true, What thou to others shalt have done, others
+will do the like to thee.  Do you, quoth Panurge, aver that without all
+exception?  Yes, truly, quoth Pantagruel, without all exception.  Ho, ho,
+says Panurge, by the wrath of a little devil, his meaning is, either in
+this world or in the other which is to come.  Yet seeing I can no more want
+a wife than a blind man his staff--(for) the funnel must be in agitation,
+without which manner of occupation I cannot live--were it not a great deal
+better for me to apply and associate myself to some one honest, lovely, and
+virtuous woman, than as I do, by a new change of females every day, run a
+hazard of being bastinadoed, or, which is worse, of the great pox, if not
+of both together.  For never--be it spoken by their husbands' leave and
+favour--had I enjoyment yet of an honest woman.  Marry then, in God's name,
+quoth Pantagruel.  But if, quoth Panurge, it were the will of God, and that
+my destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an honest woman who should beat
+me, I would be stored with more than two third parts of the patience of
+Job, if I were not stark mad by it, and quite distracted with such rugged
+dealings.  For it hath been told me that those exceeding honest women have
+ordinarily very wicked head-pieces; therefore is it that their family
+lacketh not for good vinegar.  Yet in that case should it go worse with me,
+if I did not then in such sort bang her back and breast, so thumpingly
+bethwack her gillets, to wit, her arms, legs, head, lights, liver, and
+milt, with her other entrails, and mangle, jag, and slash her coats so
+after the cross-billet fashion that the greatest devil of hell should wait
+at the gate for the reception of her damnel soul.  I could make a shift for
+this year to waive such molestation and disquiet, and be content to lay
+aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it.
+
+Do not marry then, answered Pantagruel.  Yea but, quoth Panurge,
+considering the condition wherein I now am, out of debt and unmarried; mark
+what I say, free from all debt, in an ill hour, for, were I deeply on the
+score, my creditors would be but too careful of my paternity, but being
+quit, and not married, nobody will be so regardful of me, or carry towards
+me a love like that which is said to be in a conjugal affection.  And if by
+some mishap I should fall sick, I would be looked to very waywardly.  The
+wise man saith, Where there is no woman--I mean the mother of a family and
+wife in the union of a lawful wedlock--the crazy and diseased are in danger
+of being ill used and of having much brabbling and strife about them; as by
+clear experience hath been made apparent in the persons of popes, legates,
+cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors, priests, and monks; but there, assure
+yourself, you shall not find me.  Marry then, in the name of God, answered
+Pantagruel.  But if, quoth Panurge, being ill at ease, and possibly through
+that distemper made unable to discharge the matrimonial duty that is
+incumbent to an active husband, my wife, impatient of that drooping
+sickness and faint-fits of a pining languishment, should abandon and
+prostitute herself to the embraces of another man, and not only then not
+help and assist me in my extremity and need, but withal flout at and make
+sport of that my grievous distress and calamity; or peradventure, which is
+worse, embezzle my goods and steal from me, as I have seen it oftentimes
+befall unto the lot of many other men, it were enough to undo me utterly,
+to fill brimful the cup of my misfortune, and make me play the mad-pate
+reeks of Bedlam.  Do not marry then, quoth Pantagruel.  Yea but, said
+Panurge, I shall never by any other means come to have lawful sons and
+daughters, in whom I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my name and
+arms, and to whom also I may leave and bequeath my inheritances and
+purchased goods (of which latter sort you need not doubt but that in some
+one or other of these mornings I will make a fair and goodly show), that so
+I may cheer up and make merry when otherwise I should be plunged into a
+peevish sullen mood of pensive sullenness, as I do perceive daily by the
+gentle and loving carriage of your kind and gracious father towards you; as
+all honest folks use to do at their own homes and private dwelling-houses.
+For being free from debt, and yet not married, if casually I should fret
+and be angry, although the cause of my grief and displeasure were never so
+just, I am afraid, instead of consolation, that I should meet with nothing
+else but scoffs, frumps, gibes, and mocks at my disastrous fortune.  Marry
+then, in the name of God, quoth Pantagruel.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.X.
+
+How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the difficulty of giving advice in
+the matter of marriage; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the
+Homeric and Virgilian lotteries.
+
+Your counsel, quoth Panurge, under your correction and favour, seemeth unto
+me not unlike to the song of Gammer Yea-by-nay.  It is full of sarcasms,
+mockeries, bitter taunts, nipping bobs, derisive quips, biting jerks, and
+contradictory iterations, the one part destroying the other.  I know not,
+quoth Pantagruel, which of all my answers to lay hold on; for your
+proposals are so full of ifs and buts, that I can ground nothing on them,
+nor pitch upon any solid and positive determination satisfactory to what is
+demanded by them.  Are not you assured within yourself of what you have a
+mind to?  The chief and main point of the whole matter lieth there.  All
+the rest is merely casual, and totally dependeth upon the fatal disposition
+of the heavens.
+
+We see some so happy in the fortune of this nuptial encounter, that their
+family shineth as it were with the radiant effulgency of an idea, model, or
+representation of the joys of paradise; and perceive others, again, to be
+so unluckily matched in the conjugal yoke, that those very basest of devils
+which tempt the hermits that inhabit the deserts of Thebais and Montserrat
+are not more miserable than they.  It is therefore expedient, seeing you
+are resolved for once to take a trial of the state of marriage, that, with
+shut eyes, bowing your head, and kissing the ground, you put the business
+to a venture, and give it a fair hazard, in recommending the success of the
+residue to the disposure of Almighty God.  It lieth not in my power to give
+you any other manner of assurance, or otherwise to certify you of what
+shall ensue on this your undertaking.  Nevertheless, if it please you, this
+you may do.  Bring hither Virgil's poems, that after having opened the
+book, and with our fingers severed the leaves thereof three several times,
+we may, according to the number agreed upon betwixt ourselves, explore the
+future hap of your intended marriage.  For frequently by a Homeric lottery
+have many hit upon their destinies; as is testified in the person of
+Socrates, who, whilst he was in prison, hearing the recitation of this
+verse of Homer, said of Achilles in the Ninth of the Iliads--
+
+  Emati ke tritato Phthien eribolon ikoimen,
+
+  We, the third day, to fertile Pthia came--
+
+thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent day he was to die.  Of the
+truth whereof he assured Aeschines; as Plato, in Critone, Cicero, in Primo,
+de Divinatione, Diogenes Laertius, and others, have to the full recorded in
+their works.  The like is also witnessed by Opilius Macrinus, to whom,
+being desirous to know if he should be the Roman emperor, befell, by chance
+of lot, this sentence in the Eighth of the Iliads--
+
+  O geron, e mala de se neoi teirousi machetai,
+  Ze de bin lelutai, chalepon de se geras opazei.
+
+  Dotard, new warriors urge thee to be gone.
+  Thy life decays, and old age weighs thee down.
+
+In fact, he, being then somewhat ancient, had hardly enjoyed the
+sovereignty of the empire for the space of fourteen months, when by
+Heliogabalus, then both young and strong, he was dispossessed thereof,
+thrust out of all, and killed.  Brutus doth also bear witness of another
+experiment of this nature, who willing, through this exploratory way by
+lot, to learn what the event and issue should be of the Pharsalian battle
+wherein he perished, he casually encountered on this verse, said of
+Patroclus in the Sixteenth of the Iliads--
+
+  Alla me moir oloe, kai Letous ektanen uios.
+
+  Fate, and Latona's son have shot me dead.
+
+And accordingly Apollo was the field-word in the dreadful day of that
+fight.  Divers notable things of old have likewise been foretold and known
+by casting of Virgilian lots; yea, in matters of no less importance than
+the obtaining of the Roman empire, as it happened to Alexander Severus,
+who, trying his fortune at the said kind of lottery, did hit upon this
+verse written in the Sixth of the Aeneids--
+
+  Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento.
+
+  Know, Roman, that thy business is to reign.
+
+He, within very few years thereafter, was effectually and in good earnest
+created and installed Roman emperor.  A semblable story thereto is related
+of Adrian, who, being hugely perplexed within himself out of a longing
+humour to know in what account he was with the Emperor Trajan, and how
+large the measure of that affection was which he did bear unto him, had
+recourse, after the manner above specified, to the Maronian lottery, which
+by haphazard tendered him these lines out of the Sixth of the Aeneids--
+
+  Quis procul ille autem, ramis insignis olivae
+  Sacra ferens?  Nosco crines incanaque menta
+  Regis Romani.
+
+  But who is he, conspicuous from afar,
+  With olive boughs, that doth his offerings bear?
+  By the white hair and beard I know him plain,
+  The Roman king.
+
+Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Trajan, and succeeded to him in the
+empire.  Moreover, to the lot of the praiseworthy Emperor Claudius befell
+this line of Virgil, written in the Sixth of his Aeneids--
+
+  Tertia dum Latio regnantem viderit aestas.
+
+  Whilst the third summer saw him reign, a king
+  In Latium.
+
+And in effect he did not reign above two years.  To the said Claudian also,
+inquiring concerning his brother Quintilius, whom he proposed as a
+colleague with himself in the empire, happened the response following in
+the Sixth of the Aeneids--
+
+  Ostendent terris hunc tantum fata.
+
+    Whom Fate let us see,
+  And would no longer suffer him to be.
+
+And it so fell out; for he was killed on the seventeenth day after he had
+attained unto the management of the imperial charge.  The very same lot,
+also, with the like misluck, did betide the Emperor Gordian the younger.
+To Claudius Albinus, being very solicitous to understand somewhat of his
+future adventures, did occur this saying, which is written in the Sixth of
+the Aeneids--
+
+  Hic rem Romanam magno turbante tumultu
+  Sistet Eques, &c.
+
+  The Romans, boiling with tumultuous rage,
+  This warrior shall the dangerous storm assuage:
+  With victories he the Carthaginian mauls,
+  And with strong hand shall crush the rebel Gauls.
+
+Likewise, when the Emperor D. Claudius, Aurelian's predecessor, did with
+great eagerness research after the fate to come of his posterity, his hap
+was to alight on this verse in the First of the Aeneids--
+
+  Hic ego nec metas rerum, nec tempora pono.
+
+  No bounds are to be set, no limits here.
+
+Which was fulfilled by the goodly genealogical row of his race.  When Mr.
+Peter Amy did in like manner explore and make trial if he should escape the
+ambush of the hobgoblins who lay in wait all-to-bemaul him, he fell upon
+this verse in the Third of the Aeneids--
+
+  Heu! fuge crudeles terras, fuge littus avarum!
+
+  Oh, flee the bloody land, the wicked shore!
+
+Which counsel he obeying, safe and sound forthwith avoided all these
+ambuscades.
+
+Were it not to shun prolixity, I could enumerate a thousand such like
+adventures, which, conform to the dictate and verdict of the verse, have by
+that manner of lot-casting encounter befallen to the curious researchers of
+them.  Do not you nevertheless imagine, lest you should be deluded, that I
+would upon this kind of fortune-flinging proof infer an uncontrollable and
+not to be gainsaid infallibility of truth.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XI.
+
+How Pantagruel showeth the trial of one's fortune by the throwing of dice
+to be unlawful.
+
+It would be sooner done, quoth Panurge, and more expeditely, if we should
+try the matter at the chance of three fair dice.  Quoth Pantagruel, That
+sort of lottery is deceitful, abusive, illicitous, and exceedingly
+scandalous.  Never trust in it.  The accursed book of the Recreation of
+Dice was a great while ago excogitated in Achaia, near Bourre, by that
+ancient enemy of mankind, the infernal calumniator, who, before the statue
+or massive image of the Bourraic Hercules, did of old, and doth in several
+places of the world as yet, make many simple souls to err and fall into his
+snares.  You know how my father Gargantua hath forbidden it over all his
+kingdoms and dominions; how he hath caused burn the moulds and draughts
+thereof, and altogether suppressed, abolished, driven forth, and cast it
+out of the land, as a most dangerous plague and infection to any
+well-polished state or commonwealth.  What I have told you of dice, I say
+the same of the play at cockall.  It is a lottery of the like guile and
+deceitfulness; and therefore do not for convincing of me allege in
+opposition to this my opinion, or bring in the example of the fortunate cast
+of Tiberius, within the fountain of Aponus, at the oracle of Gerion. These
+are the baited hooks by which the devil attracts and draweth unto him the
+foolish souls of silly people into eternal perdition.
+
+Nevertheless, to satisfy your humour in some measure, I am content you
+throw three dice upon this table, that, according to the number of the
+blots which shall happen to be cast up, we may hit upon a verse of that
+page which in the setting open of the book you shall have pitched upon.
+
+Have you any dice in your pocket?  A whole bagful, answered Panurge.  That
+is provision against the devil, as is expounded by Merlin Coccaius, Lib.
+2. De Patria Diabolorum.  The devil would be sure to take me napping, and
+very much at unawares, if he should find me without dice.  With this, the
+three dice being taken out, produced, and thrown, they fell so pat upon the
+lower points that the cast was five, six, and five.  These are, quoth
+Panurge, sixteen in all.  Let us take the sixteenth line of the page.  The
+number pleaseth me very well; I hope we shall have a prosperous and happy
+chance.  May I be thrown amidst all the devils of hell, even as a great
+bowl cast athwart at a set of ninepins, or cannon-ball shot among a
+battalion of foot, in case so many times I do not boult my future wife the
+first night of our marriage!  Of that, forsooth, I make no doubt at all,
+quoth Pantagruel.  You needed not to have rapped forth such a horrid
+imprecation, the sooner to procure credit for the performance of so small a
+business, seeing possibly the first bout will be amiss, and that you know
+is usually at tennis called fifteen.  At the next justling turn you may
+readily amend that fault, and so complete your reckoning of sixteen.  Is it
+so, quoth Panurge, that you understand the matter?  And must my words be
+thus interpreted?  Nay, believe me never yet was any solecism committed by
+that valiant champion who often hath for me in Belly-dale stood sentry at
+the hypogastrian cranny.  Did you ever hitherto find me in the
+confraternity of the faulty?  Never, I trow; never, nor ever shall, for
+ever and a day.  I do the feat like a goodly friar or father confessor,
+without default.  And therein am I willing to be judged by the players.  He
+had no sooner spoke these words than the works of Virgil were brought in.
+But before the book was laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel, My heart,
+like the furch of a hart in a rut, doth beat within my breast.  Be pleased
+to feel and grope my pulse a little on this artery of my left arm. At its
+frequent rise and fall you would say that they swinge and belabour me after
+the manner of a probationer, posed and put to a peremptory trial in the
+examination of his sufficiency for the discharge of the learned duty of a
+graduate in some eminent degree in the college of the Sorbonists.
+
+But would you not hold it expedient, before we proceed any further, that we
+should invocate Hercules and the Tenetian goddesses who in the chamber of
+lots are said to rule, sit in judgment, and bear a presidential sway?
+Neither him nor them, answered Pantagruel; only open up the leaves of the
+book with your fingers, and set your nails awork.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XII.
+
+How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian lottery what fortune Panurge
+shall have in his marriage.
+
+Then at the opening of the book in the sixteenth row of the lines of the
+disclosed page did Panurge encounter upon this following verse:
+
+  Nec Deus hunc mensa, Dea nec dignata cubili est.
+
+  The god him from his table banished,
+  Nor would the goddess have him in her bed.
+
+This response, quoth Pantagruel, maketh not very much for your benefit or
+advantage; for it plainly signifies and denoteth that your wife shall be a
+strumpet, and yourself by consequence a cuckold.  The goddess, whom you
+shall not find propitious nor favourable unto you, is Minerva, a most
+redoubtable and dreadful virgin, a powerful and fulminating goddess, an
+enemy to cuckolds and effeminate youngsters, to cuckold-makers and
+adulterers.  The god is Jupiter, a terrible and thunder-striking god from
+heaven.  And withal it is to be remarked, that, conform to the doctrine of
+the ancient Etrurians, the manubes, for so did they call the darting hurls
+or slinging casts of the Vulcanian thunderbolts, did only appertain to her
+and to Jupiter her father capital.  This was verified in the conflagration
+of the ships of Ajax Oileus, nor doth this fulminating power belong to any
+other of the Olympic gods.  Men, therefore, stand not in such fear of them.
+Moreover, I will tell you, and you may take it as extracted out of the
+profoundest mysteries of mythology, that, when the giants had enterprised
+the waging of a war against the power of the celestial orbs, the gods at
+first did laugh at those attempts, and scorned such despicable enemies, who
+were, in their conceit, not strong enough to cope in feats of warfare with
+their pages; but when they saw by the gigantine labour the high hill Pelion
+set on lofty Ossa, and that the mount Olympus was made shake to be erected
+on the top of both, then was it that Jupiter held a parliament, or general
+convention, wherein it was unanimously resolved upon and condescended to by
+all the gods, that they should worthily and valiantly stand to their
+defence.  And because they had often seen battles lost by the cumbersome
+lets and disturbing encumbrances of women confusedly huddled in amongst
+armies, it was at that time decreed and enacted that they should expel and
+drive out of heaven into Egypt and the confines of Nile that whole crew of
+goddesses, disguised in the shapes of weasels, polecats, bats, shrew-mice,
+ferrets, fulmarts, and other such like odd transformations; only Minerva
+was reserved to participate with Jupiter in the horrific fulminating power,
+as being the goddess both of war and learning, of arts and arms, of counsel
+and despatch--a goddess armed from her birth, a goddess dreaded in heaven,
+in the air, by sea and land.  By the belly of Saint Buff, quoth Panurge,
+should I be Vulcan, whom the poet blazons?  Nay, I am neither a cripple,
+coiner of false money, nor smith, as he was.  My wife possibly will be as
+comely and handsome as ever was his Venus, but not a whore like her, nor I
+a cuckold like him.  The crook-legged slovenly slave made himself to be
+declared a cuckold by a definite sentence and judgment, in the open view of
+all the gods.  For this cause ought you to interpret the afore-mentioned
+verse quite contrary to what you have said.  This lot importeth that my
+wife will be honest, virtuous, chaste, loyal, and faithful; not armed,
+surly, wayward, cross, giddy, humorous, heady, hairbrained, or extracted
+out of the brains, as was the goddess Pallas; nor shall this fair jolly
+Jupiter be my co-rival.  He shall never dip his bread in my broth, though
+we should sit together at one table.
+
+Consider his exploits and gallant actions.  He was the manifest ruffian,
+wencher, whoremonger, and most infamous cuckold-maker that ever breathed.
+He did always lecher it like a boar, and no wonder, for he was fostered by
+a sow in the Isle of Candia, if Agathocles the Babylonian be not a liar,
+and more rammishly lascivious than a buck; whence it is that he is said by
+others to have been suckled and fed with the milk of the Amalthaean goat.
+By the virtue of Acheron, he justled, bulled, and lastauriated in one day
+the third part of the world, beasts and people, floods and mountains; that
+was Europa.  For this grand subagitatory achievement the Ammonians caused
+draw, delineate, and paint him in the figure and shape of a ram ramming,
+and horned ram.  But I know well enough how to shield and preserve myself
+from that horned champion.  He will not, trust me, have to deal in my
+person with a sottish, dunsical Amphitryon, nor with a silly witless Argus,
+for all his hundred spectacles, nor yet with the cowardly meacock Acrisius,
+the simple goose-cap Lycus of Thebes, the doting blockhead Agenor, the
+phlegmatic pea-goose Aesop, rough-footed Lycaon, the luskish misshapen
+Corytus of Tuscany, nor with the large-backed and strong-reined Atlas.  Let
+him alter, change, transform, and metamorphose himself into a hundred
+various shapes and figures, into a swan, a bull, a satyr, a shower of gold,
+or into a cuckoo, as he did when he unmaidened his sister Juno; into an
+eagle, ram, or dove, as when he was enamoured of the virgin Phthia, who
+then dwelt in the Aegean territory; into fire, a serpent, yea, even into a
+flea; into Epicurean and Democratical atoms, or, more
+Magistronostralistically, into those sly intentions of the mind, which in
+the schools are called second notions,--I'll catch him in the nick, and
+take him napping.  And would you know what I would do unto him?  Even that
+which to his father Coelum Saturn did--Seneca foretold it of me, and
+Lactantius hath confirmed it--what the goddess Rhea did to Athis.  I would
+make him two stone lighter, rid him of his Cyprian cymbals, and cut so
+close and neatly by the breech, that there shall not remain thereof so much
+as one--, so cleanly would I shave him, and disable him for ever from being
+Pope, for Testiculos non habet.  Hold there, said Pantagruel; ho, soft and
+fair, my lad!  Enough of that,--cast up, turn over the leaves, and try your
+fortune for the second time.  Then did he fall upon this ensuing verse:
+
+  Membra quatit, gelidusque coit formidine sanguis.
+
+  His joints and members quake, he becomes pale,
+  And sudden fear doth his cold blood congeal.
+
+This importeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will soundly bang your back and
+belly.  Clean and quite contrary, answered Panurge; it is of me that he
+prognosticates, in saying that I will beat her like a tiger if she vex me.
+Sir Martin Wagstaff will perform that office, and in default of a cudgel,
+the devil gulp him, if I should not eat her up quick, as Candaul the Lydian
+king did his wife, whom he ravened and devoured.
+
+You are very stout, says Pantagruel, and courageous; Hercules himself durst
+hardly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging fury.  Nor is it
+strange; for the Jan is worth two, and two in fight against Hercules are
+too too strong.  Am I a Jan? quoth Panurge.  No, no, answered Pantagruel.
+My mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack.  Thereafter did he
+hit, at the third opening of the book, upon this verse:
+
+  Foemineo praedae, et spoliorum ardebat amore.
+
+  After the spoil and pillage, as in fire,
+  He burnt with a strong feminine desire.
+
+This portendeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will steal your goods, and rob
+you.  Hence this, according to these three drawn lots, will be your future
+destiny, I clearly see it,--you will be a cuckold, you will be beaten, and
+you will be robbed.  Nay, it is quite otherwise, quoth Panurge; for it is
+certain that this verse presageth that she will love me with a perfect
+liking.  Nor did the satyr-writing poet lie in proof hereof, when he
+affirmed that a woman, burning with extreme affection, takes sometimes
+pleasure to steal from her sweetheart.  And what, I pray you?  A glove, a
+point, or some such trifling toy of no importance, to make him keep a
+gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof.  In like manner,
+these small scolding debates and petty brabbling contentions, which
+frequently we see spring up and for a certain space boil very hot betwixt a
+couple of high-spirited lovers, are nothing else but recreative diversions
+for their refreshment, spurs to and incentives of a more fervent amity than
+ever.  As, for example, we do sometimes see cutlers with hammers maul their
+finest whetstones, therewith to sharpen their iron tools the better.  And
+therefore do I think that these three lots make much for my advantage;
+which, if not, I from their sentence totally appeal.  There is no
+appellation, quoth Pantagruel, from the decrees of fate or destiny, of lot
+or chance; as is recorded by our ancient lawyers, witness Baldus, Lib. ult.
+Cap. de Leg.  The reason hereof is, Fortune doth not acknowledge a
+superior, to whom an appeal may be made from her or any of her substitutes.
+And in this case the pupil cannot be restored to his right in full, as
+openly by the said author is alleged in L. Ait Praetor, paragr. ult. ff. de
+minor.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XIII.
+
+How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his
+marriage by dreams.
+
+Now, seeing we cannot agree together in the manner of expounding or
+interpreting the sense of the Virgilian lots, let us bend our course
+another way, and try a new sort of divination.  Of what kind? asked
+Panurge.  Of a good ancient and authentic fashion, answered Pantagruel; it
+is by dreams.  For in dreaming, such circumstances and conditions being
+thereto adhibited, as are clearly enough described by Hippocrates, in Lib.
+Peri ton enupnion, by Plato, Plotin, Iamblicus, Sinesius, Aristotle,
+Xenophon, Galen, Plutarch, Artemidorus, Daldianus, Herophilus, Q. Calaber,
+Theocritus, Pliny, Athenaeus, and others, the soul doth oftentimes foresee
+what is to come.  How true this is, you may conceive by a very vulgar and
+familiar example; as when you see that at such a time as suckling babes,
+well nourished, fed, and fostered with good milk, sleep soundly and
+profoundly, the nurses in the interim get leave to sport themselves, and
+are licentiated to recreate their fancies at what range to them shall seem
+most fitting and expedient, their presence, sedulity, and attendance on
+the cradle being, during all that space, held unnecessary.  Even just so,
+when our body is at rest, that the concoction is everywhere accomplished,
+and that, till it awake, it lacks for nothing, our soul delighteth to
+disport itself and is well pleased in that frolic to take a review of its
+native country, which is the heavens, where it receiveth a most notable
+participation of its first beginning with an imbuement from its divine
+source, and in contemplation of that infinite and intellectual sphere,
+whereof the centre is everywhere, and the circumference in no place of the
+universal world, to wit, God, according to the doctrine of Hermes
+Trismegistus, to whom no new thing happeneth, whom nothing that is past
+escapeth, and unto whom all things are alike present, remarketh not only
+what is preterit and gone in the inferior course and agitation of sublunary
+matters, but withal taketh notice what is to come; then bringing a relation
+of those future events unto the body of the outward senses and exterior
+organs, it is divulged abroad unto the hearing of others.  Whereupon the
+owner of that soul deserveth to be termed a vaticinator, or prophet.
+Nevertheless, the truth is, that the soul is seldom able to report those
+things in such sincerity as it hath seen them, by reason of the
+imperfection and frailty of the corporeal senses, which obstruct the
+effectuating of that office; even as the moon doth not communicate unto
+this earth of ours that light which she receiveth from the sun with so much
+splendour, heat, vigour, purity, and liveliness as it was given her.  Hence
+it is requisite for the better reading, explaining, and unfolding of these
+somniatory vaticinations and predictions of that nature, that a dexterous,
+learned, skilful, wise, industrious, expert, rational, and peremptory
+expounder or interpreter be pitched upon, such a one as by the Greeks is
+called onirocrit, or oniropolist.  For this cause Heraclitus was wont to
+say that nothing is by dreams revealed to us, that nothing is by dreams
+concealed from us, and that only we thereby have a mystical signification
+and secret evidence of things to come, either for our own prosperous or
+unlucky fortune, or for the favourable or disastrous success of another.
+The sacred Scriptures testify no less, and profane histories assure us of
+it, in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several kinds of
+strange adventures, which have befallen pat according to the nature of the
+dream, and that as well to the party dreamer as to others.  The Atlantic
+people, and those that inhabit the (is)land of Thasos, one of the Cyclades,
+are of this grand commodity deprived; for in their countries none yet ever
+dreamed.  Of this sort (were) Cleon of Daulia, Thrasymedes, and in our days
+the learned Frenchman Villanovanus, neither of all which knew what dreaming
+was.
+
+Fail not therefore to-morrow, when the jolly and fair Aurora with her rosy
+fingers draweth aside the curtains of the night to drive away the sable
+shades of darkness, to bend your spirits wholly to the task of sleeping
+sound, and thereto apply yourself.  In the meanwhile you must denude your
+mind of every human passion or affection, such as are love and hatred, fear
+and hope, for as of old the great vaticinator, most famous and renowned
+prophet Proteus, was not able in his disguise or transformation into fire,
+water, a tiger, a dragon, and other such like uncouth shapes and visors, to
+presage anything that was to come till he was restored to his own first
+natural and kindly form; just so doth man; for, at his reception of the art
+of divination and faculty of prognosticating future things, that part in
+him which is the most divine, to wit, the Nous, or Mens, must be calm,
+peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, hushed, and not embusied or distracted
+with foreign, soul-disturbing perturbations.  I am content, quoth Panurge.
+But, I pray you, sir, must I this evening, ere I go to bed, eat much or
+little?  I do not ask this without cause.  For if I sup not well, large,
+round, and amply, my sleeping is not worth a forked turnip.  All the night
+long I then but doze and rave, and in my slumbering fits talk idle
+nonsense, my thoughts being in a dull brown study, and as deep in their
+dumps as is my belly hollow.
+
+Not to sup, answered Pantagruel, were best for you, considering the state
+of your complexion and healthy constitution of your body.  A certain very
+ancient prophet, named Amphiaraus, wished such as had a mind by dreams to
+be imbued with any oracle, for four-and-twenty hours to taste no victuals,
+and to abstain from wine three days together.  Yet shall not you be put to
+such a sharp, hard, rigorous, and extreme sparing diet.  I am truly right
+apt to believe that a man whose stomach is replete with various cheer, and
+in a manner surfeited with drinking, is hardly able to conceive aright of
+spiritual things; yet am not I of the opinion of those who, after long and
+pertinacious fastings, think by such means to enter more profoundly into
+the speculation of celestial mysteries.  You may very well remember how my
+father Gargantua (whom here for honour sake I name) hath often told us that
+the writings of abstinent, abstemious, and long-fasting hermits were every
+whit as saltless, dry, jejune, and insipid as were their bodies when they
+did compose them.  It is a most difficult thing for the spirits to be in a
+good plight, serene and lively, when there is nothing in the body but a
+kind of voidness and inanity; seeing the philosophers with the physicians
+jointly affirm that the spirits which are styled animal spring from, and
+have their constant practice in and through the arterial blood, refined and
+purified to the life within the admirable net which, wonderfully framed,
+lieth under the ventricles and tunnels of the brain.  He gave us also the
+example of the philosopher who, when he thought most seriously to have
+withdrawn himself unto a solitary privacy, far from the rustling
+clutterments of the tumultuous and confused world, the better to improve
+his theory, to contrive, comment, and ratiocinate, was, notwithstanding his
+uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward noises, surrounded
+and environed about so with the barking of curs, bawling of mastiffs,
+bleating of sheep, prating of parrots, tattling of jackdaws, grunting of
+swine, girning of boars, yelping of foxes, mewing of cats, cheeping of
+mice, squeaking of weasels, croaking of frogs, crowing of cocks, cackling
+of hens, calling of partridges, chanting of swans, chattering of jays,
+peeping of chickens, singing of larks, creaking of geese, chirping of
+swallows, clucking of moorfowls, cucking of cuckoos, bumbling of bees,
+rammage of hawks, chirming of linnets, croaking of ravens, screeching of
+owls, whicking of pigs, gushing of hogs, curring of pigeons, grumbling of
+cushat-doves, howling of panthers, curkling of quails, chirping of
+sparrows, crackling of crows, nuzzing of camels, wheening of whelps,
+buzzing of dromedaries, mumbling of rabbits, cricking of ferrets, humming
+of wasps, mioling of tigers, bruzzing of bears, sussing of kitlings,
+clamouring of scarfs, whimpering of fulmarts, booing of buffaloes, warbling
+of nightingales, quavering of mavises, drintling of turkeys, coniating of
+storks, frantling of peacocks, clattering of magpies, murmuring of
+stock-doves, crouting of cormorants, cigling of locusts, charming of
+beagles, guarring of puppies, snarling of messens, rantling of rats,
+guerieting of apes, snuttering of monkeys, pioling of pelicans, quacking of
+ducks, yelling of wolves, roaring of lions, neighing of horses, crying of
+elephants, hissing of serpents, and wailing of turtles, that he was much
+more troubled than if he had been in the middle of the crowd at the fair of
+Fontenay or Niort.  Just so is it with those who are tormented with the
+grievous pangs of hunger.  The stomach begins to gnaw, and bark, as it were,
+the eyes to look dim, and the veins, by greedily sucking some refection to
+themselves from the proper substance of all the members of a fleshy
+consistence, violently pull down and draw back that vagrant, roaming spirit,
+careless and neglecting of his nurse and natural host, which is the body; as
+when a hawk upon the fist, willing to take her flight by a soaring aloft in
+the open spacious air, is on a sudden drawn back by a leash tied to her
+feet.
+
+To this purpose also did he allege unto us the authority of Homer, the
+father of all philosophy, who said that the Grecians did not put an end to
+their mournful mood for the death of Patroclus, the most intimate friend of
+Achilles, till hunger in a rage declared herself, and their bellies
+protested to furnish no more tears unto their grief.  For from bodies
+emptied and macerated by long fasting there could not be such supply of
+moisture and brackish drops as might be proper on that occasion.
+
+Mediocrity at all times is commendable; nor in this case are you to abandon
+it.  You may take a little supper, but thereat must you not eat of a hare,
+nor of any other flesh.  You are likewise to abstain from beans, from the
+preak, by some called the polyp, as also from coleworts, cabbage, and all
+other such like windy victuals, which may endanger the troubling of your
+brains and the dimming or casting a kind of mist over your animal spirits.
+For, as a looking-glass cannot exhibit the semblance or representation of
+the object set before it, and exposed to have its image to the life
+expressed, if that the polished sleekedness thereof be darkened by gross
+breathings, dampish vapours, and foggy, thick, infectious exhalations, even
+so the fancy cannot well receive the impression of the likeness of those
+things which divination doth afford by dreams, if any way the body be
+annoyed or troubled with the fumish steam of meat which it had taken in a
+while before; because betwixt these two there still hath been a mutual
+sympathy and fellow-feeling of an indissolubly knit affection.  You shall
+eat good Eusebian and Bergamot pears, one apple of the short-shank pippin
+kind, a parcel of the little plums of Tours, and some few cherries of the
+growth of my orchard.  Nor shall you need to fear that thereupon will ensue
+doubtful dreams, fallacious, uncertain, and not to be trusted to, as by
+some peripatetic philosophers hath been related; for that, say they, men do
+more copiously in the season of harvest feed on fruitages than at any other
+time.  The same is mystically taught us by the ancient prophets and poets,
+who allege that all vain and deceitful dreams lie hid and in covert under
+the leaves which are spread on the ground--by reason that the leaves fall
+from the trees in the autumnal quarter.  For the natural fervour which,
+abounding in ripe, fresh, recent fruits, cometh by the quickness of its
+ebullition to be with ease evaporated into the animal parts of the dreaming
+person--the experiment is obvious in most--is a pretty while before it be
+expired, dissolved, and evanished.  As for your drink, you are to have it
+of the fair, pure water of my fountain.
+
+The condition, quoth Panurge, is very hard.  Nevertheless, cost what price
+it will, or whatsoever come of it, I heartily condescend thereto;
+protesting that I shall to-morrow break my fast betimes after my somniatory
+exercitations.  Furthermore, I recommend myself to Homer's two gates, to
+Morpheus, to Iselon, to Phantasus, and unto Phobetor.  If they in this my
+great need succour me and grant me that assistance which is fitting, I will
+in honour of them all erect a jolly, genteel altar, composed of the softest
+down.  If I were now in Laconia, in the temple of Juno, betwixt Oetile and
+Thalamis, she suddenly would disentangle my perplexity, resolve me of my
+doubts, and cheer me up with fair and jovial dreams in a deep sleep.
+
+Then did he say thus unto Pantagruel:  Sir, were it not expedient for my
+purpose to put a branch or two of curious laurel betwixt the quilt and
+bolster of my bed, under the pillow on which my head must lean?  There is
+no need at all of that, quoth Pantagruel; for, besides that it is a thing
+very superstitious, the cheat thereof hath been at large discovered unto us
+in the writings of Serapion, Ascalonites, Antiphon, Philochorus, Artemon,
+and Fulgentius Planciades.  I could say as much to you of the left shoulder
+of a crocodile, as also of a chameleon, without prejudice be it spoken to
+the credit which is due to the opinion of old Democritus; and likewise of
+the stone of the Bactrians, called Eumetrides, and of the Ammonian horn;
+for so by the Aethiopians is termed a certain precious stone, coloured like
+gold, and in the fashion, shape, form, and proportion of a ram's horn, as
+the horn of Jupiter Ammon is reported to have been:  they over and above
+assuredly affirming that the dreams of those who carry it about them are no
+less veritable and infallible than the truth of the divine oracles.  Nor is
+this much unlike to what Homer and Virgil wrote of these two gates of
+sleep, to which you have been pleased to recommend the management of what
+you have in hand.  The one is of ivory, which letteth in confused,
+doubtful, and uncertain dreams; for through ivory, how small and slender
+soever it be, we can see nothing, the density, opacity, and close
+compactedness of its material parts hindering the penetration of the visual
+rays and the reception of the specieses of such things as are visible.  The
+other is of horn, at which an entry is made to sure and certain dreams,
+even as through horn, by reason of the diaphanous splendour and bright
+transparency thereof, the species of all objects of the sight distinctly
+pass, and so without confusion appear, that they are clearly seen.  Your
+meaning is, and you would thereby infer, quoth Friar John, that the dreams
+of all horned cuckolds, of which number Panurge, by the help of God and his
+future wife, is without controversy to be one, are always true and
+infallible.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XIV.
+
+Panurge's dream, with the interpretation thereof.
+
+At seven o'clock of the next following morning Panurge did not fail to
+present himself before Pantagruel, in whose chamber were at that time
+Epistemon, Friar John of the Funnels, Ponocrates, Eudemon, Carpalin, and
+others, to whom, at the entry of Panurge, Pantagruel said, Lo! here cometh
+our dreamer.  That word, quoth Epistemon, in ancient times cost very much,
+and was dearly sold to the children of Jacob.  Then said Panurge, I have
+been plunged into my dumps so deeply, as if I had been lodged with Gaffer
+Noddy-cap.  Dreamed indeed I have, and that right lustily; but I could take
+along with me no more thereof that I did goodly understand save only that I
+in my vision had a pretty, fair, young, gallant, handsome woman, who no
+less lovingly and kindly treated and entertained me, hugged, cherished,
+cockered, dandled, and made much of me, as if I had been another neat
+dilly-darling minion, like Adonis.  Never was man more glad than I was
+then; my joy at that time was incomparable.  She flattered me, tickled me,
+stroked me, groped me, frizzled me, curled me, kissed me, embraced me, laid
+her hands about my neck, and now and then made jestingly pretty little
+horns above my forehead.  I told her in the like disport, as I did play the
+fool with her, that she should rather place and fix them in a little below
+mine eyes, that I might see the better what I should stick at with them;
+for, being so situated, Momus then would find no fault therewith, as he did
+once with the position of the horns of bulls.  The wanton, toying girl,
+notwithstanding any remonstrance of mine to the contrary, did always drive
+and thrust them further in; yet thereby, which to me seemed wonderful, she
+did not do me any hurt at all.  A little after, though I know not how, I
+thought I was transformed into a tabor, and she into a chough.
+
+My sleeping there being interrupted, I awaked in a start, angry,
+displeased, perplexed, chafing, and very wroth.  There have you a large
+platterful of dreams, make thereupon good cheer, and, if you please, spare
+not to interpret them according to the understanding which you may have in
+them.  Come, Carpalin, let us to breakfast.  To my sense and meaning, quoth
+Pantagruel, if I have skill or knowledge in the art of divination by
+dreams, your wife will not really, and to the outward appearance of the
+world, plant or set horns, and stick them fast in your forehead, after a
+visible manner, as satyrs use to wear and carry them; but she will be so
+far from preserving herself loyal in the discharge and observance of a
+conjugal duty, that, on the contrary, she will violate her plighted faith,
+break her marriage-oath, infringe all matrimonial ties, prostitute her body
+to the dalliance of other men, and so make you a cuckold.  This point is
+clearly and manifestly explained and expounded by Artemidorus just as I
+have related it.  Nor will there be any metamorphosis or transmutation made
+of you into a drum or tabor, but you will surely be as soundly beaten as
+ever was tabor at a merry wedding.  Nor yet will she be changed into a
+chough, but will steal from you, chiefly in the night, as is the nature of
+that thievish bird.  Hereby may you perceive your dreams to be in every jot
+conform and agreeable to the Virgilian lots.  A cuckold you will be, beaten
+and robbed.  Then cried out Father John with a loud voice, He tells the
+truth; upon my conscience, thou wilt be a cuckold--an honest one, I warrant
+thee.  O the brave horns that will be borne by thee!  Ha, ha, ha!  Our good
+Master de Cornibus.  God save thee, and shield thee!  Wilt thou be pleased
+to preach but two words of a sermon to us, and I will go through the parish
+church to gather up alms for the poor.
+
+You are, quoth Panurge, very far mistaken in your interpretation; for the
+matter is quite contrary to your sense thereof.  My dream presageth that I
+shall by marriage be stored with plenty of all manner of goods--the
+hornifying of me showing that I will possess a cornucopia, that Amalthaean
+horn which is called the horn of abundance, whereof the fruition did still
+portend the wealth of the enjoyer.  You possibly will say that they are
+rather like to be satyr's horns; for you of these did make some mention.
+Amen, Amen, Fiat, fiatur, ad differentiam papae.  Thus shall I have my
+touch-her-home still ready.  My staff of love, sempiternally in a good
+case, will, satyr-like, be never toiled out--a thing which all men wish
+for, and send up their prayers to that purpose, but such a thing as
+nevertheless is granted but to a few.  Hence doth it follow by a
+consequence as clear as the sunbeams that I will never be in the danger of
+being made a cuckold, for the defect hereof is Causa sine qua non; yea, the
+sole cause, as many think, of making husbands cuckolds.  What makes poor
+scoundrel rogues to beg, I pray you?  Is it not because they have not
+enough at home wherewith to fill their bellies and their pokes?  What is it
+makes the wolves to leave the woods?  Is it not the want of flesh meat?
+What maketh women whores?  You understand me well enough.  And herein may I
+very well submit my opinion to the judgment of learned lawyers, presidents,
+counsellors, advocates, procurers, attorneys, and other glossers and
+commentators on the venerable rubric, De frigidis et maleficiatis.  You
+are, in truth, sir, as it seems to me (excuse my boldness if I have
+transgressed), in a most palpable and absurd error to attribute my horns to
+cuckoldry.  Diana wears them on her head after the manner of a crescent.
+Is she a cucquean for that?  How the devil can she be cuckolded who never
+yet was married?  Speak somewhat more correctly, I beseech you, lest she,
+being offended, furnish you with a pair of horns shapen by the pattern of
+those which she made for Actaeon.  The goodly Bacchus also carries horns,
+--Pan, Jupiter Ammon, with a great many others.  Are they all cuckolds?  If
+Jove be a cuckold, Juno is a whore.  This follows by the figure metalepsis:
+as to call a child, in the presence of his father and mother, a bastard, or
+whore's son, is tacitly and underboard no less than if he had said openly
+the father is a cuckold and his wife a punk.  Let our discourse come nearer
+to the purpose.  The horns that my wife did make me are horns of abundance,
+planted and grafted in my head for the increase and shooting up of all good
+things.  This will I affirm for truth, upon my word, and pawn my faith and
+credit both upon it.  As for the rest, I will be no less joyful, frolic,
+glad, cheerful, merry, jolly, and gamesome, than a well-bended tabor in the
+hands of a good drummer at a nuptial feast, still making a noise, still
+rolling, still buzzing and cracking.  Believe me, sir, in that consisteth
+none of my least good fortunes.  And my wife will be jocund, feat, compt,
+neat, quaint, dainty, trim, tricked up, brisk, smirk, and smug, even as a
+pretty little Cornish chough.  Who will not believe this, let hell or the
+gallows be the burden of his Christmas carol.
+
+I remark, quoth Pantagruel, the last point or particle which you did speak
+of, and, having seriously conferred it with the first, find that at the
+beginning you were delighted with the sweetness of your dream; but in the
+end and final closure of it you startingly awaked, and on a sudden were
+forthwith vexed in choler and annoyed.  Yea, quoth Panurge, the reason of
+that was because I had fasted too long.  Flatter not yourself, quoth
+Pantagruel; all will go to ruin.  Know for a certain truth, that every
+sleep that endeth with a starting, and leaves the person irksome, grieved,
+and fretting, doth either signify a present evil, or otherwise presageth
+and portendeth a future imminent mishap.  To signify an evil, that is to
+say, to show some sickness hardly curable, a kind of pestilentious or
+malignant boil, botch, or sore, lying and lurking hid, occult, and latent
+within the very centre of the body, which many times doth by the means of
+sleep, whose nature is to reinforce and strengthen the faculty and virtue
+of concoction, being according to the theorems of physic to declare itself,
+and moves toward the outward superficies.  At this sad stirring is the
+sleeper's rest and ease disturbed and broken, whereof the first feeling and
+stinging smart admonisheth that he must patiently endure great pain and
+trouble, and thereunto provide some remedy; as when we say proverbially, to
+incense hornets, to move a stinking puddle, and to awake a sleeping lion,
+instead of these more usual expressions, and of a more familiar and plain
+meaning, to provoke angry persons, to make a thing the worse by meddling
+with it, and to irritate a testy choleric man when he is at quiet.  On the
+other part, to presage or foretell an evil, especially in what concerneth
+the exploits of the soul in matter of somnial divinations, is as much to
+say as that it giveth us to understand that some dismal fortune or
+mischance is destinated and prepared for us, which shortly will not fail to
+come to pass.  A clear and evident example hereof is to be found in the
+dream and dreadful awaking of Hecuba, as likewise in that of Eurydice, the
+wife of Orpheus, neither of which was (no) sooner finished, saith Ennius,
+but that incontinently thereafter they awaked in a start, and were
+affrighted horribly.  Thereupon these accidents ensued:  Hecuba had her
+husband Priamus, together with her children, slain before her eyes, and saw
+then the destruction of her country; and Eurydice died speedily thereafter
+in a most miserable manner.  Aeneas, dreaming that he spoke to Hector a
+little after his decease, did on a sudden in a great start awake, and was
+afraid.  Now hereupon did follow this event:  Troy that same night was
+spoiled, sacked, and burnt.  At another time the same Aeneas dreaming that
+he saw his familiar geniuses and penates, in a ghastly fright and
+astonishment awaked, of which terror and amazement the issue was, that the
+very next day subsequent, by a most horrible tempest on the sea, he was
+like to have perished and been cast away.  Moreover, Turnus being prompted,
+instigated, and stirred up by the fantastic vision of an infernal fury to
+enter into a bloody war against Aeneas, awaked in a start much troubled and
+disquieted in spirit; in sequel whereof, after many notable and famous
+routs, defeats, and discomfitures in open field, he came at last to be
+killed in a single combat by the said Aeneas.  A thousand other instances I
+could afford, if it were needful, of this matter.  Whilst I relate these
+stories of Aeneas, remark the saying of Fabius Pictor, who faithfully
+averred that nothing had at any time befallen unto, was done, or
+enterprised by him, whereof he preallably had not notice, and beforehand
+foreseen it to the full, by sure predictions altogether founded on the
+oracles of somnial divination.  To this there is no want of pregnant
+reasons, no more than of examples.  For if repose and rest in sleeping be a
+special gift and favour of the gods, as is maintained by the philosophers,
+and by the poet attested in these lines,
+
+  Then sleep, that heavenly gift, came to refresh
+  Of human labourers the wearied flesh;
+
+such a gift or benefit can never finish or terminate in wrath and
+indignation without portending some unlucky fate and most disastrous
+fortune to ensue.  Otherwise it were a molestation, and not an ease; a
+scourge, and not a gift; at least, (not) proceeding from the gods above,
+but from the infernal devils our enemies, according to the common vulgar
+saying.
+
+Suppose the lord, father, or master of a family, sitting at a very
+sumptuous dinner, furnished with all manner of good cheer, and having at
+his entry to the table his appetite sharp set upon his victuals, whereof
+there was great plenty, should be seen rise in a start, and on a sudden
+fling out of his chair, abandoning his meat, frighted, appalled, and in a
+horrid terror, who should not know the cause hereof would wonder, and be
+astonished exceedingly.  But what? he heard his male servants cry, Fire,
+fire, fire, fire! his serving-maids and women yell, Stop thief, stop thief!
+and all his children shout as loud as ever they could, Murder, O murder,
+murder!  Then was it not high time for him to leave his banqueting, for
+application of a remedy in haste, and to give speedy order for succouring
+of his distressed household?  Truly I remember that the Cabalists and
+Massorets, interpreters of the sacred Scriptures, in treating how with
+verity one might judge of evangelical apparitions (because oftentimes the
+angel of Satan is disguised and transfigured into an angel of light), said
+that the difference of these two mainly did consist in this:  the
+favourable and comforting angel useth in his appearing unto man at first to
+terrify and hugely affright him, but in the end he bringeth consolation,
+leaveth the person who hath seen him joyful, well-pleased, fully content,
+and satisfied; on the other side, the angel of perdition, that wicked,
+devilish, and malignant spirit, at his appearance unto any person in the
+beginning cheereth up the heart of his beholder, but at last forsakes him,
+and leaves him troubled, angry, and perplexed.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XV.
+
+Panurge's excuse and exposition of the monastic mystery concerning powdered
+beef.
+
+The Lord save those who see, and do not hear! quoth Panurge.  I see you
+well enough, but know not what it is that you have said.  The
+hunger-starved belly wanteth ears.  For lack of victuals, before God, I
+roar, bray, yell, and fume as in a furious madness.  I have performed too
+hard a task to-day, an extraordinary work indeed.  He shall be craftier, and
+do far greater wonders than ever did Mr. Mush, who shall be able any more
+this year to bring me on the stage of preparation for a dreaming verdict.
+Fie! not to sup at all, that is the devil.  Pox take that fashion!  Come,
+Friar John, let us go break our fast; for, if I hit on such a round
+refection in the morning as will serve thoroughly to fill the mill-hopper
+and hogs-hide of my stomach, and furnish it with meat and drink sufficient,
+then at a pinch, as in the case of some extreme necessity which presseth, I
+could make a shift that day to forbear dining.  But not to sup!  A plague
+rot that base custom, which is an error offensive to Nature!  That lady made
+the day for exercise, to travel, work, wait on and labour in each his
+negotiation and employment; and that we may with the more fervency and
+ardour prosecute our business, she sets before us a clear burning candle, to
+wit, the sun's resplendency; and at night, when she begins to take the light
+from us, she thereby tacitly implies no less than if she would have spoken
+thus unto us:  My lads and lasses, all of you are good and honest folks, you
+have wrought well to-day, toiled and turmoiled enough,--the night
+approacheth,--therefore cast off these moiling cares of yours, desist from
+all your swinking painful labours, and set your minds how to refresh your
+bodies in the renewing of their vigour with good bread, choice wine, and
+store of wholesome meats; then may you take some sport and recreation, and
+after that lie down and rest yourselves, that you may strongly, nimbly,
+lustily, and with the more alacrity to-morrow attend on your affairs as
+formerly.
+
+Falconers, in like manner, when they have fed their hawks, will not suffer
+them to fly on a full gorge, but let them on a perch abide a little, that
+they may rouse, bait, tower, and soar the better.  That good pope who was
+the first institutor of fasting understood this well enough; for he
+ordained that our fast should reach but to the hour of noon; all the
+remainder of that day was at our disposure, freely to eat and feed at any
+time thereof.  In ancient times there were but few that dined, as you would
+say, some church men, monks and canons; for they have little other
+occupation.  Each day is a festival unto them, who diligently heed the
+claustral proverb, De missa ad mensam.  They do not use to linger and defer
+their sitting down and placing of themselves at table, only so long as they
+have a mind in waiting for the coming of the abbot; so they fell to without
+ceremony, terms, or conditions; and everybody supped, unless it were some
+vain, conceited, dreaming dotard.  Hence was a supper called coena, which
+showeth that it is common to all sorts of people.  Thou knowest it well,
+Friar John.  Come, let us go, my dear friend, in the name of all the devils
+of the infernal regions, let us go.  The gnawings of my stomach in this
+rage of hunger are so tearing, that they make it bark like a mastiff.  Let
+us throw some bread and beef into his throat to pacify him, as once the
+sibyl did to Cerberus.  Thou likest best monastical brewis, the prime, the
+flower of the pot.  I am for the solid, principal verb that comes after
+--the good brown loaf, always accompanied with a round slice of the
+nine-lecture-powdered labourer.  I know thy meaning, answered Friar John;
+this metaphor is extracted out of the claustral kettle.  The labourer is the
+ox that hath wrought and done the labour; after the fashion of nine
+lectures, that is to say, most exquisitely well and thoroughly boiled.
+These holy religious fathers, by a certain cabalistic institution of the
+ancients, not written, but carefully by tradition conveyed from hand to
+hand, rising betimes to go to morning prayers, were wont to flourish that
+their matutinal devotion with some certain notable preambles before their
+entry into the church, viz., they dunged in the dungeries, pissed in the
+pisseries, spit in the spitteries, melodiously coughed in the cougheries,
+and doted in their dotaries, that to the divine service they might not bring
+anything that was unclean or foul.  These things thus done, they very
+zealously made their repair to the Holy Chapel, for so was in their canting
+language termed the convent kitchen, where they with no small earnestness
+had care that the beef-pot should be put on the crook for the breakfast of
+the religious brothers of our Lord and Saviour; and the fire they would
+kindle under the pot themselves.  Now, the matins consisting of nine
+lessons, (it) it was so incumbent on them, that must have risen the rather
+for the more expedite despatching of them all.  The sooner that they rose,
+the sharper was their appetite and the barkings of their stomachs, and the
+gnawings increased in the like proportion, and consequently made these godly
+men thrice more a-hungered and athirst than when their matins were hemmed
+over only with three lessons.  The more betimes they rose, by the said
+cabal, the sooner was the beef-pot put on; the longer that the beef was on
+the fire, the better it was boiled; the more it boiled, it was the tenderer;
+the tenderer that it was, the less it troubled the teeth, delighted more the
+palate, less charged the stomach, and nourished our good religious men the
+more substantially; which is the only end and prime intention of the first
+founders, as appears by this, that they eat not to live, but live to eat,
+and in this world have nothing but their life.  Let us go, Panurge.
+
+Now have I understood thee, quoth Panurge, my plushcod friar, my caballine
+and claustral ballock.  I freely quit the costs, interest, and charges,
+seeing you have so egregiously commented upon the most especial chapter of
+the culinary and monastic cabal.  Come along, my Carpalin, and you, Friar
+John, my leather-dresser.  Good morrow to you all, my good lords; I have
+dreamed too much to have so little.  Let us go.  Panurge had no sooner done
+speaking than Epistemon with a loud voice said these words:  It is a very
+ordinary and common thing amongst men to conceive, foresee, know, and
+presage the misfortune, bad luck, or disaster of another; but to have the
+understanding, providence, knowledge, and prediction of a man's own mishap
+is very scarce and rare to be found anywhere.  This is exceeding
+judiciously and prudently deciphered by Aesop in his Apologues, who there
+affirmeth that every man in the world carrieth about his neck a wallet, in
+the fore-bag whereof were contained the faults and mischances of others
+always exposed to his view and knowledge; and in the other scrip thereof,
+which hangs behind, are kept the bearer's proper transgressions and
+inauspicious adventures, at no time seen by him, nor thought upon, unless
+he be a person that hath a favourable aspect from the heavens.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XVI.
+
+How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the Sibyl of Panzoust.
+
+A little while thereafter Pantagruel sent for Panurge and said unto him,
+The affection which I bear you being now inveterate and settled in my mind
+by a long continuance of time, prompteth me to the serious consideration of
+your welfare and profit; in order whereto, remark what I have thought
+thereon.  It hath been told me that at Panzoust, near Crouly, dwelleth a
+very famous sibyl, who is endowed with the skill of foretelling all things
+to come.  Take Epistemon in your company, repair towards her, and hear what
+she will say unto you.  She is possibly, quoth Epistemon, some Canidia,
+Sagana, or Pythonissa, either whereof with us is vulgarly called a witch,
+--I being the more easily induced to give credit to the truth of this
+character of her, that the place of her abode is vilely stained with the
+abominable repute of abounding more with sorcerers and witches than ever
+did the plains of Thessaly.  I should not, to my thinking, go thither
+willingly, for that it seems to me a thing unwarrantable, and altogether
+forbidden in the law of Moses.  We are not Jews, quoth Pantagruel, nor is
+it a matter judiciously confessed by her, nor authentically proved by
+others that she is a witch.  Let us for the present suspend our judgment,
+and defer till after your return from thence the sifting and garbling of
+those niceties.  Do we know but that she may be an eleventh sibyl or a
+second Cassandra?  But although she were neither, and she did not merit the
+name or title of any of these renowned prophetesses, what hazard, in the
+name of God, do you run by offering to talk and confer with her of the
+instant perplexity and perturbation of your thoughts?  Seeing especially,
+and which is most of all, she is, in the estimation of those that are
+acquainted with her, held to know more, and to be of a deeper reach of
+understanding, than is either customary to the country wherein she liveth
+or to the sex whereof she is.  What hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the
+laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man, were it from a sot, a pot, a
+fool, a stool, a winter mitten, a truckle for a pulley, the lid of a
+goldsmith's crucible, an oil-bottle, or old slipper?  You may remember to
+have read, or heard at least, that Alexander the Great, immediately after
+his having obtained a glorious victory over the King Darius in Arbela,
+refused, in the presence of the splendid and illustrious courtiers that
+were about him, to give audience to a poor certain despicable-like fellow,
+who through the solicitations and mediation of some of his royal attendants
+was admitted humbly to beg that grace and favour of him.  But sore did he
+repent, although in vain, a thousand and ten thousand times thereafter, the
+surly state which he then took upon him to the denial of so just a suit,
+the grant whereof would have been worth unto him the value of a brace of
+potent cities.  He was indeed victorious in Persia, but withal so far
+distant from Macedonia, his hereditary kingdom, that the joy of the one did
+not expel the extreme grief which through occasion of the other he had
+inwardly conceived; for, not being able with all his power to find or
+invent a convenient mean and expedient how to get or come by the certainty
+of any news from thence, both by reason of the huge remoteness of the
+places from one to another, as also because of the impeditive interposition
+of many great rivers, the interjacent obstacle of divers wild deserts, and
+obstructive interjection of sundry almost inaccessible mountains,--whilst
+he was in this sad quandary and solicitous pensiveness, which, you may
+suppose, could not be of a small vexation to him, considering that it was a
+matter of no great difficulty to run over his whole native soil, possess
+his country, seize on his kingdom, install a new king in the throne, and
+plant thereon foreign colonies, long before he could come to have any
+advertisement of it:  for obviating the jeopardy of so dreadful
+inconveniency, and putting a fit remedy thereto, a certain Sidonian
+merchant of a low stature but high fancy, very poor in show, and to the
+outward appearance of little or no account, having presented himself before
+him, went about to affirm and declare that he had excogitated and hit upon
+a ready mean and way by the which those of his territories at home should
+come to the certain notice of his Indian victories, and himself be
+perfectly informed of the state and condition of Egypt and Macedonia within
+less than five days.  Whereupon the said Alexander, plunged into a sullen
+animadvertency of mind, through his rash opinion of the improbability of
+performing a so strange and impossible-like undertaking, dismissed the
+merchant without giving ear to what he had to say, and vilified him.  What
+could it have cost him to hearken unto what the honest man had invented and
+contrived for his good?  What detriment, annoyance, damage, or loss could
+he have undergone to listen to the discovery of that secret which the good
+fellow would have most willingly revealed unto him?  Nature, I am
+persuaded, did not without a cause frame our ears open, putting thereto no
+gate at all, nor shutting them up with any manner of enclosures, as she
+hath done unto the tongue, the eyes, and other such out-jetting parts of
+the body.  The cause, as I imagine, is to the end that every day and every
+night, and that continually, we may be ready to hear, and by a perpetual
+hearing apt to learn.  For, of all the senses, it is the fittest for the
+reception of the knowledge of arts, sciences, and disciplines; and it may
+be that man was an angel, that is to say, a messenger sent from God, as
+Raphael was to Tobit.  Too suddenly did he contemn, despise, and misregard
+him; but too long thereafter, by an untimely and too late repentance, did
+he do penance for it.  You say very well, answered Epistemon, yet shall you
+never for all that induce me to believe that it can tend any way to the
+advantage or commodity of a man to take advice and counsel of a woman,
+namely, of such a woman, and the woman of such a country.  Truly I have
+found, quoth Panurge, a great deal of good in the counsel of women, chiefly
+in that of the old wives amongst them; for every time I consult with them I
+readily get a stool or two extraordinary, to the great solace of my bumgut
+passage.  They are as sleuthhounds in the infallibility of their scent, and
+in their sayings no less sententious than the rubrics of the law.
+Therefore in my conceit it is not an improper kind of speech to call them
+sage or wise women.  In confirmation of which opinion of mine, the
+customary style of my language alloweth them the denomination of presage
+women.  The epithet of sage is due unto them because they are surpassing
+dexterous in the knowledge of most things.  And I give them the title of
+presage, for that they divinely foresee and certainly foretell future
+contingencies and events of things to come.  Sometimes I call them not
+maunettes, but monettes, from their wholesome monitions.  Whether it be so,
+ask Pythagoras, Socrates, Empedocles, and our master Ortuinus.  I
+furthermore praise and commend above the skies the ancient memorable
+institution of the pristine Germans, who ordained the responses and
+documents of old women to be highly extolled, most cordially reverenced,
+and prized at a rate in nothing inferior to the weight, test, and standard
+of the sanctuary.  And as they were respectfully prudent in receiving of
+these sound advices, so by honouring and following them did they prove no
+less fortunate in the happy success of all their endeavours.  Witness the
+old wife Aurinia, and the good mother Velled, in the days of Vespasian.
+You need not any way doubt but that feminine old age is always fructifying
+in qualities sublime--I would have said sibylline.  Let us go, by the help,
+let us go, by the virtue of God, let us go.  Farewell, Friar John, I
+recommend the care of my codpiece to you.  Well, quoth Epistemon, I will
+follow you, with this protestation nevertheless, that if I happen to get a
+sure information, or otherwise find that she doth use any kind of charm or
+enchantment in her responses, it may not be imputed to me for a blame to
+leave you at the gate of her house, without accompanying you any further
+in.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XVII.
+
+How Panurge spoke to the Sibyl of Panzoust.
+
+Their voyage was three days journeying.  On the third whereof was shown
+unto them the house of the vaticinatress standing on the knap or top of a
+hill, under a large and spacious walnut-tree.  Without great difficulty
+they entered into that straw-thatched cottage, scurvily built, naughtily
+movabled, and all besmoked.  It matters not, quoth Epistemon; Heraclitus,
+the grand Scotist and tenebrous darksome philosopher, was nothing
+astonished at his introit into such a coarse and paltry habitation; for he
+did usually show forth unto his sectators and disciples that the gods made
+as cheerfully their residence in these mean homely mansions as in sumptuous
+magnific palaces, replenished with all manner of delight, pomp, and
+pleasure.  I withal do really believe that the dwelling-place of the so
+famous and renowned Hecate was just such another petty cell as this is,
+when she made a feast therein to the valiant Theseus; and that of no other
+better structure was the cot or cabin of Hyreus, or Oenopion, wherein
+Jupiter, Neptune, and Mercury were not ashamed, all three together, to
+harbour and sojourn a whole night, and there to take a full and hearty
+repast; for the payment of the shot they thankfully pissed Orion.  They
+finding the ancient woman at a corner of her own chimney, Epistemon said,
+She is indeed a true sibyl, and the lively portrait of one represented by
+the Grei kaminoi of Homer.  The old hag was in a pitiful bad plight and
+condition in matter of the outward state and complexion of her body, the
+ragged and tattered equipage of her person in the point of accoutrement,
+and beggarly poor provision of fare for her diet and entertainment;
+for she was ill apparelled, worse nourished, toothless, blear-eyed,
+crook-shouldered, snotty, her nose still dropping, and herself still
+drooping, faint, and pithless; whilst in this woefully wretched case she was
+making ready for her dinner porridge of wrinkled green coleworts, with a bit
+skin of yellow bacon, mixed with a twice-before-cooked sort of waterish,
+unsavoury broth, extracted out of bare and hollow bones.  Epistemon said,
+By the cross of a groat, we are to blame, nor shall we get from her any
+response at all, for we have not brought along with us the branch of gold.
+I have, quoth Panurge, provided pretty well for that, for here I have it
+within my bag, in the substance of a gold ring, accompanied with some fair
+pieces of small money.  No sooner were these words spoken, when Panurge
+coming up towards her, after the ceremonial performance of a profound and
+humble salutation, presented her with six neat's tongues dried in the smoke,
+a great butter-pot full of fresh cheese, a borachio furnished with good
+beverage, and a ram's cod stored with single pence, newly coined.  At last
+he, with a low courtesy, put on her medical finger a pretty handsome golden
+ring, whereinto was right artificially enchased a precious toadstone of
+Beausse.  This done, in few words and very succinctly, did he set open and
+expose unto her the motive reason of his coming, most civilly and
+courteously entreating her that she might be pleased to vouchsafe to give
+him an ample and plenary intelligence concerning the future good luck of his
+intended marriage.
+
+The old trot for a while remained silent, pensive, and grinning like a dog;
+then, after she had set her withered breech upon the bottom of a bushel,
+she took into her hands three old spindles, which when she had turned and
+whirled betwixt her fingers very diversely and after several fashions, she
+pried more narrowly into, by the trial of their points, the sharpest
+whereof she retained in her hand, and threw the other two under a stone
+trough.  After this she took a pair of yarn windles, which she nine times
+unintermittedly veered and frisked about; then at the ninth revolution or
+turn, without touching them any more, maturely perpending the manner of
+their motion, she very demurely waited on their repose and cessation from
+any further stirring.  In sequel whereof she pulled off one of her wooden
+pattens, put her apron over her head, as a priest uses to do his amice when
+he is going to sing mass, and with a kind of antique, gaudy, party-coloured
+string knit it under her neck.  Being thus covered and muffled, she whiffed
+off a lusty good draught out of the borachio, took three several pence
+forth of the ramcod fob, put them into so many walnut-shells, which she set
+down upon the bottom of a feather-pot, and then, after she had given them
+three whisks of a broom besom athwart the chimney, casting into the fire
+half a bavin of long heather, together with a branch of dry laurel, she
+observed with a very hush and coy silence in what form they did burn, and
+saw that, although they were in a flame, they made no kind of noise or
+crackling din.  Hereupon she gave a most hideous and horribly dreadful
+shout, muttering betwixt her teeth some few barbarous words of a strange
+termination.
+
+This so terrified Panurge that he forthwith said to Epistemon, The devil
+mince me into a gallimaufry if I do not tremble for fear!  I do not think
+but that I am now enchanted; for she uttereth not her voice in the terms of
+any Christian language.  O look, I pray you, how she seemeth unto me to be
+by three full spans higher than she was when she began to hood herself with
+her apron.  What meaneth this restless wagging of her slouchy chaps?  What
+can be the signification of the uneven shrugging of her hulchy shoulders?
+To what end doth she quaver with her lips, like a monkey in the
+dismembering of a lobster?  My ears through horror glow; ah! how they
+tingle!  I think I hear the shrieking of Proserpina; the devils are
+breaking loose to be all here.  O the foul, ugly, and deformed beasts!  Let
+us run away!  By the hook of God, I am like to die for fear!  I do not love
+the devils; they vex me, and are unpleasant fellows.  Now let us fly, and
+betake us to our heels.  Farewell, gammer; thanks and gramercy for your
+goods!  I will not marry; no, believe me, I will not.  I fairly quit my
+interest therein, and totally abandon and renounce it from this time
+forward, even as much as at present.  With this, as he endeavoured to make
+an escape out of the room, the old crone did anticipate his flight and make
+him stop.  The way how she prevented him was this:  whilst in her hand she
+held the spindle, she flung out to a back-yard close by her lodge, where,
+after she had peeled off the barks of an old sycamore three several times,
+she very summarily, upon eight leaves which dropped from thence, wrote with
+the spindle-point some curt and briefly-couched verses, which she threw
+into the air, then said unto them, Search after them if you will; find them
+if you can; the fatal destinies of your marriage are written in them.
+
+No sooner had she done thus speaking than she did withdraw herself unto her
+lurking-hole, where on the upper seat of the porch she tucked up her gown,
+her coats, and smock, as high as her armpits, and gave them a full
+inspection of the nockandroe; which being perceived by Panurge, he said to
+Epistemon, God's bodikins, I see the sibyl's hole!  She suddenly then
+bolted the gate behind her, and was never since seen any more.  They
+jointly ran in haste after the fallen and dispersed leaves, and gathered
+them at last, though not without great labour and toil, for the wind had
+scattered them amongst the thorn-bushes of the valley.  When they had
+ranged them each after other in their due places, they found out their
+sentence, as it is metrified in this octastich:
+
+  Thy fame upheld
+  (Properly, as corrected by Ozell:
+  Thy fame will be shell'd
+    By her, I trow.),
+    Even so, so:
+  And she with child
+    Of thee:  No.
+  Thy good end
+    Suck she shall,
+  And flay thee, friend,
+    But not all.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XVIII.
+
+How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversely expound the verses of the Sibyl of
+Panzoust.
+
+The leaves being thus collected and orderly disposed, Epistemon and Panurge
+returned to Pantagruel's court, partly well pleased and other part
+discontented; glad for their being come back, and vexed for the trouble
+they had sustained by the way, which they found to be craggy, rugged,
+stony, rough, and ill-adjusted.  They made an ample and full relation of
+their voyage unto Pantagruel, as likewise of the estate and condition of
+the sibyl.  Then, having presented to him the leaves of the sycamore, they
+show him the short and twattle verses that were written in them.
+Pantagruel, having read and considered the whole sum and substance of the
+matter, fetched from his heart a deep and heavy sigh; then said to Panurge,
+You are now, forsooth, in a good taking, and have brought your hogs to a
+fine market.  The prophecy of the sibyl doth explain and lay out before us
+the same very predictions which have been denoted, foretold, and presaged
+to us by the decree of the Virgilian lots and the verdict of your own
+proper dreams, to wit, that you shall be very much disgraced, shamed, and
+discredited by your wife; for that she will make you a cuckold in
+prostituting herself to others, being big with child by another than you,
+--will steal from you a great deal of your goods, and will beat you, scratch
+and bruise you, even to plucking the skin in a part from off you,--will
+leave the print of her blows in some member of your body.  You understand
+as much, answered Panurge, in the veritable interpretation and expounding
+of recent prophecies as a sow in the matter of spicery.  Be not offended,
+sir, I beseech you, that I speak thus boldly; for I find myself a little in
+choler, and that not without cause, seeing it is the contrary that is true.
+Take heed, and give attentive ear unto my words.  The old wife said that,
+as the bean is not seen till first it be unhusked, and that its swad or
+hull be shelled and peeled from off it, so is it that my virtue and
+transcendent worth will never come by the mouth of fame to be blazed abroad
+proportionable to the height, extent, and measure of the excellency
+thereof, until preallably I get a wife and make the full half of a married
+couple.  How many times have I heard you say that the function of a
+magistrate, or office of dignity, discovereth the merits, parts, and
+endowments of the person so advanced and promoted, and what is in him.
+That is to say, we are then best able to judge aright of the deservings of
+a man when he is called to the management of affairs; for when before he
+lived in a private condition, we could have no more certain knowledge of
+him than of a bean within his husk.  And thus stands the first article
+explained; otherwise, could you imagine that the good fame, repute, and
+estimation of an honest man should depend upon the tail of a whore?
+
+Now to the meaning of the second article!  My wife will be with child,
+--here lies the prime felicity of marriage,--but not of me.  Copsody, that I
+do believe indeed!  It will be of a pretty little infant.  O how heartily I
+shall love it!  I do already dote upon it; for it will be my dainty feedle-
+darling, my genteel dilly-minion.  From thenceforth no vexation, care, or
+grief shall take such deep impression in my heart, how hugely great or
+vehement soever it otherwise appear, but that it shall evanish forthwith at
+the sight of that my future babe, and at the hearing of the chat and
+prating of its childish gibberish.  And blessed be the old wife.  By my
+truly, I have a mind to settle some good revenue or pension upon her out of
+the readiest increase of the lands of my Salmigondinois; not an inconstant
+and uncertain rent-seek, like that of witless, giddy-headed bachelors, but
+sure and fixed, of the nature of the well-paid incomes of regenting
+doctors.  If this interpretation doth not please you, think you my wife
+will bear me in her flanks, conceive with me, and be of me delivered, as
+women use in childbed to bring forth their young ones; so as that it may be
+said, Panurge is a second Bacchus, he hath been twice born; he is re-born,
+as was Hippolytus,--as was Proteus, one time of Thetis, and secondly, of
+the mother of the philosopher Apollonius,--as were the two Palici, near the
+flood Simaethos in Sicily.  His wife was big of child with him.  In him is
+renewed and begun again the palintocy of the Megarians and the palingenesy
+of Democritus.  Fie upon such errors!  To hear stuff of that nature rends
+mine ears.
+
+The words of the third article are:  She will suck me at my best end.  Why
+not?  That pleaseth me right well.  You know the thing; I need not tell you
+that it is my intercrural pudding with one end.  I swear and promise that,
+in what I can, I will preserve it sappy, full of juice, and as well
+victualled for her use as may be.  She shall not suck me, I believe, in
+vain, nor be destitute of her allowance; there shall her justum both in
+peck and lippy be furnished to the full eternally.  You expound this
+passage allegorically, and interpret it to theft and larceny.  I love the
+exposition, and the allegory pleaseth me; but not according to the sense
+whereto you stretch it.  It may be that the sincerity of the affection
+which you bear me moveth you to harbour in your breast those refractory
+thoughts concerning me, with a suspicion of my adversity to come.  We have
+this saying from the learned, That a marvellously fearful thing is love,
+and that true love is never without fear.  But, sir, according to my
+judgment, you do understand both of and by yourself that here stealth
+signifieth nothing else, no more than in a thousand other places of Greek
+and Latin, old and modern writings, but the sweet fruits of amorous
+dalliance, which Venus liketh best when reaped in secret, and culled by
+fervent lovers filchingly.  Why so, I prithee tell?  Because, when the feat
+of the loose-coat skirmish happeneth to be done underhand and privily,
+between two well-disposed, athwart the steps of a pair of stairs lurkingly,
+and in covert behind a suit of hangings, or close hid and trussed upon an
+unbound faggot, it is more pleasing to the Cyprian goddess, and to me also
+--I speak this without prejudice to any better or more sound opinion--than
+to perform that culbusting art after the Cynic manner, in the view of the
+clear sunshine, or in a rich tent, under a precious stately canopy, within
+a glorious and sublime pavilion, or yet on a soft couch betwixt rich
+curtains of cloth of gold, without affrightment, at long intermediate
+respites, enjoying of pleasures and delights a bellyfull, at all great
+ease, with a huge fly-flap fan of crimson satin and a bunch of feathers of
+some East-Indian ostrich serving to give chase unto the flies all round
+about; whilst, in the interim, the female picks her teeth with a stiff
+straw picked even then from out of the bottom of the bed she lies on.  If
+you be not content with this my exposition, are you of the mind that my
+wife will suck and sup me up as people use to gulp and swallow oysters out
+of the shell? or as the Cilician women, according to the testimony of
+Dioscorides, were wont to do the grain of alkermes?  Assuredly that is an
+error.  Who seizeth on it, doth neither gulch up nor swill down, but takes
+away what hath been packed up, catcheth, snatcheth, and plies the play of
+hey-pass, repass.
+
+The fourth article doth imply that my wife will flay me, but not all.  O
+the fine word!  You interpret this to beating strokes and blows.  Speak
+wisely.  Will you eat a pudding?  Sir, I beseech you to raise up your
+spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly thoughts unto that height of
+sublime contemplation which reacheth to the apprehension of the mysteries
+and wonders of Dame Nature.  And here be pleased to condemn yourself, by a
+renouncing of those errors which you have committed very grossly and
+somewhat perversely in expounding the prophetic sayings of the holy sibyl.
+Yet put the case (albeit I yield not to it) that, by the instigation of the
+devil, my wife should go about to wrong me, make me a cuckold downwards to
+the very breech, disgrace me otherwise, steal my goods from me, yea, and
+lay violently her hands upon me;--she nevertheless should fail of her
+attempts and not attain to the proposed end of her unreasonable
+undertakings.  The reason which induceth me hereto is grounded totally on
+this last point, which is extracted from the profoundest privacies of a
+monastic pantheology, as good Friar Arthur Wagtail told me once upon a
+Monday morning, as we were (if I have not forgot) eating a bushel of
+trotter-pies; and I remember well it rained hard.  God give him the good
+morrow!  The women at the beginning of the world, or a little after,
+conspired to flay the men quick, because they found the spirit of mankind
+inclined to domineer it, and bear rule over them upon the face of the whole
+earth; and, in pursuit of this their resolution, promised, confirmed,
+swore, and covenanted amongst them all, by the pure faith they owe to the
+nocturnal Sanct Rogero.  But O the vain enterprises of women!  O the great
+fragility of that sex feminine!  They did begin to flay the man, or peel
+him (as says Catullus), at that member which of all the body they loved
+best, to wit, the nervous and cavernous cane, and that above five thousand
+years ago; yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any more till
+this hour but the head.  In mere despite whereof the Jews snip off that
+parcel of the skin in circumcision, choosing far rather to be called
+clipyards, rascals, than to be flayed by women, as are other nations.  My
+wife, according to this female covenant, will flay it to me, if it be not
+so already.  I heartily grant my consent thereto, but will not give her
+leave to flay it all.  Nay, truly will I not, my noble king.
+
+Yea but, quoth Epistemon, you say nothing of her most dreadful cries and
+exclamations when she and we both saw the laurel-bough burn without
+yielding any noise or crackling.  You know it is a very dismal omen, an
+inauspicious sign, unlucky indice, and token formidable, bad, disastrous,
+and most unhappy, as is certified by Propertius, Tibullus, the quick
+philosopher Porphyrius, Eustathius on the Iliads of Homer, and by many
+others.  Verily, verily, quoth Panurge, brave are the allegations which you
+bring me, and testimonies of two-footed calves.  These men were fools, as
+they were poets; and dotards, as they were philosophers; full of folly, as
+they were of philosophy.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XIX.
+
+How Pantagruel praiseth the counsel of dumb men.
+
+Pantagruel, when this discourse was ended, held for a pretty while his
+peace, seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive, then said to Panurge, The
+malignant spirit misleads, beguileth, and seduceth you.  I have read that
+in times past the surest and most veritable oracles were not those which
+either were delivered in writing or uttered by word of mouth in speaking.
+For many times, in their interpretation, right witty, learned, and
+ingenious men have been deceived through amphibologies, equivoques, and
+obscurity of words, no less than by the brevity of their sentences.  For
+which cause Apollo, the god of vaticination, was surnamed Loxias.  Those
+which were represented then by signs and outward gestures were accounted
+the truest and the most infallible.  Such was the opinion of Heraclitus.
+And Jupiter did himself in this manner give forth in Ammon frequently
+predictions.  Nor was he single in this practice; for Apollo did the like
+amongst the Assyrians.  His prophesying thus unto those people moved them
+to paint him with a large long beard, and clothes beseeming an old settled
+person of a most posed, staid, and grave behaviour; not naked, young, and
+beardless, as he was portrayed most usually amongst the Grecians.  Let us
+make trial of this kind of fatidicency; and go you take advice of some dumb
+person without any speaking.  I am content, quoth Panurge.  But, says
+Pantagruel, it were requisite that the dumb you consult with be such as
+have been deaf from the hour of their nativity, and consequently dumb; for
+none can be so lively, natural, and kindly dumb as he who never heard.
+
+How is it, quoth Panurge, that you conceive this matter?  If you apprehend
+it so, that never any spoke who had not before heard the speech of others,
+I will from that antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most absurd
+and paradoxical conclusion.  But let it pass; I will not insist on it.  You
+do not then believe what Herodotus wrote of two children, who, at the
+special command and appointment of Psammeticus, King of Egypt, having been
+kept in a petty country cottage, where they were nourished and entertained
+in a perpetual silence, did at last, after a certain long space of time,
+pronounce this word Bec, which in the Phrygian language signifieth bread.
+Nothing less, quoth Pantagruel, do I believe than that it is a mere abusing
+of our understandings to give credit to the words of those who say that
+there is any such thing as a natural language.  All speeches have had their
+primary origin from the arbitrary institutions, accords, and agreements of
+nations in their respective condescendments to what should be noted and
+betokened by them.  An articulate voice, according to the dialecticians,
+hath naturally no signification at all; for that the sense and meaning
+thereof did totally depend upon the good will and pleasure of the first
+deviser and imposer of it.  I do not tell you this without a cause; for
+Bartholus, Lib. 5. de Verb. Oblig., very seriously reporteth that even in
+his time there was in Eugubia one named Sir Nello de Gabrielis, who,
+although he by a sad mischance became altogether deaf, understood
+nevertheless everyone that talked in the Italian dialect howsoever he
+expressed himself; and that only by looking on his external gestures, and
+casting an attentive eye upon the divers motions of his lips and chaps.  I
+have read, I remember also, in a very literate and eloquent author, that
+Tyridates, King of Armenia, in the days of Nero, made a voyage to Rome,
+where he was received with great honour and solemnity, and with all manner
+of pomp and magnificence.  Yea, to the end there might be a sempiternal
+amity and correspondence preserved betwixt him and the Roman senate, there
+was no remarkable thing in the whole city which was not shown unto him.  At
+his departure the emperor bestowed upon him many ample donatives of an
+inestimable value; and besides, the more entirely to testify his affection
+towards him, heartily entreated him to be pleased to make choice of any
+whatsoever thing in Rome was most agreeable to his fancy, with a promise
+juramentally confirmed that he should not be refused of his demand.
+Thereupon, after a suitable return of thanks for a so gracious offer, he
+required a certain Jack-pudding whom he had seen to act his part most
+egregiously upon the stage, and whose meaning, albeit he knew not what it
+was he had spoken, he understood perfectly enough by the signs and
+gesticulations which he had made.  And for this suit of his, in that he
+asked nothing else, he gave this reason, that in the several wide and
+spacious dominions which were reduced under the sway and authority of his
+sovereign government, there were sundry countries and nations much
+differing from one another in language, with whom, whether he was to speak
+unto them or give any answer to their requests, he was always necessitated
+to make use of divers sorts of truchman and interpreters.  Now with this
+man alone, sufficient for supplying all their places, will that great
+inconveniency hereafter be totally removed; seeing he is such a fine
+gesticulator, and in the practice of chirology an artist so complete,
+expert, and dexterous, that with his very fingers he doth speak.
+Howsoever, you are to pitch upon such a dumb one as is deaf by nature and
+from his birth; to the end that his gestures and signs may be the more
+vively and truly prophetic, and not counterfeit by the intermixture of some
+adulterate lustre and affectation.  Yet whether this dumb person shall be
+of the male or female sex is in your option, lieth at your discretion, and
+altogether dependeth on your own election.
+
+I would more willingly, quoth Panurge, consult with and be advised by a
+dumb woman, were it not that I am afraid of two things.  The first is, that
+the greater part of women, whatever be that they see, do always represent
+unto their fancies, think, and imagine, that it hath some relation to the
+sugared entering of the goodly ithyphallos, and graffing in the cleft of
+the overturned tree the quickset imp of the pin of copulation.  Whatever
+signs, shows, or gestures we shall make, or whatever our behaviour,
+carriage, or demeanour shall happen to be in their view and presence, they
+will interpret the whole in reference to the act of androgynation and the
+culbutizing exercise, by which means we shall be abusively disappointed of
+our designs, in regard that she will take all our signs for nothing else
+but tokens and representations of our desire to entice her unto the lists
+of a Cyprian combat or catsenconny skirmish.  Do you remember what happened
+at Rome two hundred and threescore years after the foundation thereof?  A
+young Roman gentleman encountering by chance, at the foot of Mount Celion,
+with a beautiful Latin lady named Verona, who from her very cradle upwards
+had always been both deaf and dumb, very civilly asked her, not without a
+chironomatic Italianizing of his demand, with various jectigation of his
+fingers and other gesticulations as yet customary amongst the speakers of
+that country, what senators in her descent from the top of the hill she had
+met with going up thither.  For you are to conceive that he, knowing no
+more of her deafness than dumbness, was ignorant of both.  She in the
+meantime, who neither heard nor understood so much as one word of what he
+had said, straight imagined, by all that she could apprehend in the lovely
+gesture of his manual signs, that what he then required of her was what
+herself had a great mind to, even that which a young man doth naturally
+desire of a woman.  Then was it that by signs, which in all occurrences of
+venereal love are incomparably more attractive, valid, and efficacious than
+words, she beckoned to him to come along with her to her house; which when
+he had done, she drew him aside to a privy room, and then made a most
+lively alluring sign unto him to show that the game did please her.
+Whereupon, without any more advertisement, or so much as the uttering of
+one word on either side, they fell to and bringuardized it lustily.
+
+The other cause of my being averse from consulting with dumb women is, that
+to our signs they would make no answer at all, but suddenly fall backwards
+in a divarication posture, to intimate thereby unto us the reality of their
+consent to the supposed motion of our tacit demands.  Or if they should
+chance to make any countersigns responsory to our propositions, they would
+prove so foolish, impertinent, and ridiculous, that by them ourselves
+should easily judge their thoughts to have no excursion beyond the duffling
+academy.  You know very well how at Brignoles, when the religious nun,
+Sister Fatbum, was made big with child by the young Stiffly-stand-to't, her
+pregnancy came to be known, and she cited by the abbess, and, in a full
+convention of the convent, accused of incest.  Her excuse was that she did
+not consent thereto, but that it was done by the violence and impetuous
+force of the Friar Stiffly-stand-to't.  Hereto the abbess very austerely
+replying, Thou naughty wicked girl, why didst thou not cry, A rape, a rape!
+then should all of us have run to thy succour.  Her answer was that the
+rape was committed in the dortour, where she durst not cry because it was a
+place of sempiternal silence.  But, quoth the abbess, thou roguish wench,
+why didst not thou then make some sign to those that were in the next
+chamber beside thee?  To this she answered that with her buttocks she made
+a sign unto them as vigorously as she could, yet never one of them did so
+much as offer to come to her help and assistance.  But, quoth the abbess,
+thou scurvy baggage, why didst thou not tell it me immediately after the
+perpetration of the fact, that so we might orderly, regularly, and
+canonically have accused him?  I would have done so, had the case been
+mine, for the clearer manifestation of mine innocency.  I truly, madam,
+would have done the like with all my heart and soul, quoth Sister Fatbum,
+but that fearing I should remain in sin, and in the hazard of eternal
+damnation, if prevented by a sudden death, I did confess myself to the
+father friar before he went out of the room, who, for my penance, enjoined
+me not to tell it, or reveal the matter unto any.  It were a most enormous
+and horrid offence, detestable before God and the angels, to reveal a
+confession.  Such an abominable wickedness would have possibly brought down
+fire from heaven, wherewith to have burnt the whole nunnery, and sent us
+all headlong to the bottomless pit, to bear company with Korah, Dathan, and
+Abiram.
+
+You will not, quoth Pantagruel, with all your jesting, make me laugh.  I
+know that all the monks, friars, and nuns had rather violate and infringe
+the highest of the commandments of God than break the least of their
+provincial statutes.  Take you therefore Goatsnose, a man very fit for your
+present purpose; for he is, and hath been, both dumb and deaf from the very
+remotest infancy of his childhood.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XX.
+
+How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge.
+
+Goatsnose being sent for, came the day thereafter to Pantagruel's court; at
+his arrival to which Panurge gave him a fat calf, the half of a hog, two
+puncheons of wine, one load of corn, and thirty francs of small money;
+then, having brought him before Pantagruel, in presence of the gentlemen of
+the bed-chamber he made this sign unto him.  He yawned a long time, and in
+yawning made without his mouth with the thumb of his right hand the figure
+of the Greek letter Tau by frequent reiterations.  Afterwards he lifted up
+his eyes to heavenwards, then turned them in his head like a she-goat in
+the painful fit of an absolute birth, in doing whereof he did cough and
+sigh exceeding heavily.  This done, after that he had made demonstration of
+the want of his codpiece, he from under his shirt took his placket-racket
+in a full grip, making it therewithal clack very melodiously betwixt his
+thighs; then, no sooner had he with his body stooped a little forwards, and
+bowed his left knee, but that immediately thereupon holding both his arms
+on his breast, in a loose faint-like posture, the one over the other, he
+paused awhile.  Goatsnose looked wistly upon him, and having heedfully
+enough viewed him all over, he lifted up into the air his left hand, the
+whole fingers whereof he retained fistwise close together, except the thumb
+and the forefinger, whose nails he softly joined and coupled to one
+another.  I understand, quoth Pantagruel, what he meaneth by that sign.  It
+denotes marriage, and withal the number thirty, according to the profession
+of the Pythagoreans.  You will be married.  Thanks to you, quoth Panurge,
+in turning himself towards Goatsnose, my little sewer, pretty master's
+mate, dainty bailie, curious sergeant-marshal, and jolly catchpole-leader.
+Then did he lift higher up than before his said left hand, stretching out
+all the five fingers thereof, and severing them as wide from one another as
+he possibly could get done.  Here, says Pantagruel, doth he more amply and
+fully insinuate unto us, by the token which he showeth forth of the quinary
+number, that you shall be married.  Yea, that you shall not only be
+affianced, betrothed, wedded, and married, but that you shall furthermore
+cohabit and live jollily and merrily with your wife; for Pythagoras called
+five the nuptial number, which, together with marriage, signifieth the
+consummation of matrimony, because it is composed of a ternary, the first
+of the odd, and binary, the first of the even numbers, as of a male and
+female knit and united together.  In very deed it was the fashion of old in
+the city of Rome at marriage festivals to light five wax tapers; nor was it
+permitted to kindle any more at the magnific nuptials of the most potent
+and wealthy, nor yet any fewer at the penurious weddings of the poorest and
+most abject of the world.  Moreover, in times past, the heathen or paynims
+implored the assistance of five deities, or of one helpful, at least, in
+five several good offices to those that were to be married.  Of this sort
+were the nuptial Jove, Juno, president of the feast, the fair Venus, Pitho,
+the goddess of eloquence and persuasion, and Diana, whose aid and succour
+was required to the labour of child-bearing.  Then shouted Panurge, O the
+gentle Goatsnose, I will give him a farm near Cinais, and a windmill hard
+by Mirebalais!  Hereupon the dumb fellow sneezeth with an impetuous
+vehemency and huge concussion of the spirits of the whole body, withdrawing
+himself in so doing with a jerking turn towards the left hand.  By the body
+of a fox new slain, quoth Pantagruel, what is that?  This maketh nothing
+for your advantage; for he betokeneth thereby that your marriage will be
+inauspicious and unfortunate.  This sneezing, according to the doctrine of
+Terpsion, is the Socratic demon.  If done towards the right side, it
+imports and portendeth that boldly and with all assurance one may go
+whither he will and do what he listeth, according to what deliberation he
+shall be pleased to have thereupon taken; his entries in the beginning,
+progress in his proceedings, and success in the events and issues will be
+all lucky, good, and happy.  The quite contrary thereto is thereby implied
+and presaged if it be done towards the left.  You, quoth Panurge, do take
+always the matter at the worst, and continually, like another Davus,
+casteth in new disturbances and obstructions; nor ever yet did I know this
+old paltry Terpsion worthy of citation but in points only of cosenage and
+imposture.  Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, Cicero hath written I know not
+what to the same purpose in his Second Book of Divination.
+
+Panurge then, turning himself towards Goatsnose, made this sign unto him.
+He inverted his eyelids upwards, wrenched his jaws from the right to the
+left side, and drew forth his tongue half out of his mouth.  This done, he
+posited his left hand wholly open, the mid-finger wholly excepted, which
+was perpendicularly placed upon the palm thereof, and set it just in the
+room where his codpiece had been.  Then did he keep his right hand
+altogether shut up in a fist, save only the thumb, which he straight turned
+backwards directly under the right armpit, and settled it afterwards on
+that most eminent part of the buttocks which the Arabs call the Al-Katim.
+Suddenly thereafter he made this interchange:  he held his right hand after
+the manner of the left, and posited it on the place wherein his codpiece
+sometime was, and retaining his left hand in the form and fashion of the
+right, he placed it upon his Al-Katim.  This altering of hands did he
+reiterate nine several times; at the last whereof he reseated his eyelids
+into their own first natural position.  Then doing the like also with his
+jaws and tongue, he did cast a squinting look upon Goatsnose, diddering and
+shivering his chaps, as apes use to do nowadays, and rabbits, whilst,
+almost starved with hunger, they are eating oats in the sheaf.
+
+Then was it that Goatsnose, lifting up into the air his right hand wholly
+open and displayed, put the thumb thereof, even close unto its first
+articulation, between the two third joints of the middle and ring fingers,
+pressing about the said thumb thereof very hard with them both, and, whilst
+the remanent joints were contracted and shrunk in towards the wrist, he
+stretched forth with as much straightness as he could the fore and little
+fingers.  That hand thus framed and disposed of he laid and posited upon
+Panurge's navel, moving withal continually the aforesaid thumb, and bearing
+up, supporting, or under-propping that hand upon the above-specified fore
+and little fingers, as upon two legs.  Thereafter did he make in this
+posture his hand by little and little, and by degrees and pauses,
+successively to mount from athwart the belly to the stomach, from whence he
+made it to ascend to the breast, even upwards to Panurge's neck, still
+gaining ground, till, having reached his chin, he had put within the
+concave of his mouth his afore-mentioned thumb; then fiercely brandishing
+the whole hand, which he made to rub and grate against his nose, he heaved
+it further up, and made the fashion as if with the thumb thereof he would
+have put out his eyes.  With this Panurge grew a little angry, and went
+about to withdraw and rid himself from this ruggedly untoward dumb devil.
+But Goatsnose in the meantime, prosecuting the intended purpose of his
+prognosticatory response, touched very rudely, with the above-mentioned
+shaking thumb, now his eyes, then his forehead, and after that the borders
+and corners of his cap.  At last Panurge cried out, saying, Before God,
+master fool, if you do not let me alone, or that you will presume to vex me
+any more, you shall receive from the best hand I have a mask wherewith to
+cover your rascally scroundrel face, you paltry shitten varlet.  Then said
+Friar John, He is deaf, and doth not understand what thou sayest unto him.
+Bulliballock, make sign to him of a hail of fisticuffs upon the muzzle.
+
+What the devil, quoth Panurge, means this busy restless fellow?  What is it
+that this polypragmonetic ardelion to all the fiends of hell doth aim at?
+He hath almost thrust out mine eyes, as if he had been to poach them in a
+skillet with butter and eggs.  By God, da jurandi, I will feast you with
+flirts and raps on the snout, interlarded with a double row of bobs and
+finger-fillipings!  Then did he leave him in giving him by way of salvo a
+volley of farts for his farewell.  Goatsnose, perceiving Panurge thus to
+slip away from him, got before him, and, by mere strength enforcing him to
+stand, made this sign unto him.  He let fall his right arm toward his knee
+on the same side as low as he could, and, raising all the fingers of that
+hand into a close fist, passed his dexter thumb betwixt the foremost and
+mid fingers thereto belonging.  Then scrubbing and swingeing a little with
+his left hand alongst and upon the uppermost in the very bough of the elbow
+of the said dexter arm, the whole cubit thereof, by leisure, fair and
+softly, at these thumpatory warnings, did raise and elevate itself even to
+the elbow, and above it; on a sudden did he then let it fall down as low as
+before, and after that, at certain intervals and such spaces of time,
+raising and abasing it, he made a show thereof to Panurge.  This so
+incensed Panurge that he forthwith lifted his hand to have stricken him the
+dumb roister and given him a sound whirret on the ear, but that the respect
+and reverence which he carried to the presence of Pantagruel restrained his
+choler and kept his fury within bounds and limits.  Then said Pantagruel,
+If the bare signs now vex and trouble you, how much more grievously will
+you be perplexed and disquieted with the real things which by them are
+represented and signified!  All truths agree and are consonant with one
+another.  This dumb fellow prophesieth and foretelleth that you will be
+married, cuckolded, beaten, and robbed.  As for the marriage, quoth
+Panurge, I yield thereto, and acknowledge the verity of that point of his
+prediction; as for the rest, I utterly abjure and deny it:  and believe,
+sir, I beseech you, if it may please you so to do, that in the matter of
+wives and horses never any man was predestinated to a better fortune than
+I.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXI.
+
+How Panurge consulteth with an old French poet, named Raminagrobis.
+
+I never thought, said Pantagruel, to have encountered with any man so
+headstrong in his apprehensions, or in his opinions so wilful, as I have
+found you to be and see you are.  Nevertheless, the better to clear and
+extricate your doubts, let us try all courses, and leave no stone unturned
+nor wind unsailed by.  Take good heed to what I am to say unto you.  The
+swans, which are fowls consecrated to Apollo, never chant but in the hour
+of their approaching death, especially in the Meander flood, which is a
+river that runneth along some of the territories of Phrygia.  This I say,
+because Aelianus and Alexander Myndius write that they had seen several
+swans in other places die, but never heard any of them sing or chant before
+their death.  However, it passeth for current that the imminent death of a
+swan is presaged by his foregoing song, and that no swan dieth until
+preallably he have sung.
+
+After the same manner, poets, who are under the protection of Apollo, when
+they are drawing near their latter end do ordinarily become prophets, and
+by the inspiration of that god sing sweetly in vaticinating things which
+are to come.  It hath been likewise told me frequently, that old decrepit
+men upon the brinks of Charon's banks do usher their decease with a
+disclosure all at ease, to those that are desirous of such informations, of
+the determinate and assured truth of future accidents and contingencies.  I
+remember also that Aristophanes, in a certain comedy of his, calleth the
+old folks Sibyls, Eith o geron Zibullia.  For as when, being upon a pier by
+the shore, we see afar off mariners, seafaring men, and other travellers
+alongst the curled waves of azure Thetis within their ships, we then
+consider them in silence only, and seldom proceed any further than to wish
+them a happy and prosperous arrival; but when they do approach near to the
+haven, and come to wet their keels within their harbour, then both with
+words and  gestures we salute them, and heartily congratulate their access
+safe to the port wherein we are ourselves.  Just so the angels, heroes, and
+good demons, according to the doctrine of the Platonics, when they see
+mortals drawing near unto the harbour of the grave, as the most sure and
+calmest port of any, full of repose, ease, rest, tranquillity, free from
+the  troubles and solicitudes of this tumultuous and tempestuous world; then
+is  it that they with alacrity hail and salute them, cherish and comfort
+them, and, speaking to them lovingly, begin even then to bless them with
+illuminations, and to communicate unto them the abstrusest mysteries of
+divination.  I will not offer here to confound your memory by quoting
+antique examples of Isaac, of Jacob, of Patroclus towards Hector, of Hector
+towards Achilles, of Polymnestor towards Agamemnon, of Hecuba, of the
+Rhodian renowned by Posidonius, of Calanus the Indian towards Alexander the
+Great, of Orodes towards Mezentius, and of many others.  It shall suffice
+for the present that I commemorate unto you the learned and valiant knight
+and cavalier William of Bellay, late Lord of Langey, who died on the Hill
+of Tarara, the 10th of January, in the climacteric year of his age, and of
+our supputation 1543, according to the Roman account.  The last three or
+four hours of his life he did employ in the serious utterance of a very
+pithy discourse, whilst with a clear judgment and spirit void of all
+trouble he did foretell several important things, whereof a great deal is
+come to pass, and the rest we wait for.  Howbeit, his prophecies did at
+that time seem unto us somewhat strange, absurd, and unlikely, because
+there did not then appear any sign of efficacy enough to engage our faith
+to the belief of what he did prognosticate.  We have here, near to the town
+of Villomere, a man that is both old and a poet, to wit, Raminagrobis, who
+to his second wife espoused my Lady Broadsow, on whom he begot the fair
+Basoche.  It hath been told me he is a-dying, and so near unto his latter
+end that he is almost upon the very last moment, point, and article thereof.
+Repair thither as fast as you can, and be ready to give an attentive ear to
+what he shall chant unto you.  It may be that you shall obtain from him what
+you desire, and that Apollo will be pleased by his means to clear your
+scruples.  I am content, quoth Panurge.  Let us go thither, Epistemon, and
+that both instantly and in all haste, lest otherwise his death prevent our
+coming.  Wilt thou come along with us, Friar John?  Yes, that I will, quoth
+Friar John, right heartily to do thee a courtesy, my billy-ballocks; for I
+love thee with the best of my milt and liver.
+
+Thereupon, incontinently, without any further lingering, to the way they
+all three went, and quickly thereafter--for they made good speed--arriving
+at the poetical habitation, they found the jolly old man, albeit in the
+agony of his departure from this world, looking cheerfully, with an open
+countenance, splendid aspect, and behaviour full of alacrity.  After that
+Panurge had very civilly saluted him, he in a free gift did present him
+with a gold ring, which he even then put upon the medical finger of his
+left hand, in the collet or bezel whereof was enchased an Oriental
+sapphire, very fair and large.  Then, in imitation of Socrates, did he make
+an oblation unto him of a fair white cock, which was no sooner set upon the
+tester of his bed, than that, with a high raised head and crest, lustily
+shaking his feather-coat, he crowed stentoriphonically loud.  This done,
+Panurge very courteously required of him that he would vouchsafe to favour
+him with the grant and report of his sense and judgment touching the future
+destiny of his intended marriage.  For answer hereto, when the honest old
+man had forthwith commanded pen, paper, and ink to be brought unto him, and
+that he was at the same call conveniently served with all the three, he
+wrote these following verses:
+
+  Take, or not take her,
+    Off, or on:
+  Handy-dandy is your lot.
+  When her name you write, you blot.
+  'Tis undone, when all is done,
+  Ended e'er it was begun:
+  Hardly gallop, if you trot,
+  Set not forward when you run,
+  Nor be single, though alone,
+    Take, or not take her.
+
+  Before you eat, begin to fast;
+  For what shall be was never past.
+  Say, unsay, gainsay, save your breath:
+  Then wish at once her life and death.
+    Take, or not take her.
+
+These lines he gave out of his own hands unto them, saying unto them, Go,
+my lads, in peace! the great God of the highest heavens be your guardian
+and preserver! and do not offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with
+this or any other business whatsoever.  I have this same very day, which is
+the last both of May and of me, with a greal deal of labour, toil, and
+difficulty, chased out of my house a rabble of filthy, unclean, and
+plaguily pestilentious rake-hells, black beasts, dusk, dun, white,
+ash-coloured, speckled, and a foul vermin of other hues, whose obtrusive
+importunity would not permit me to die at my own ease; for by fraudulent
+and deceitful pricklings, ravenous, harpy-like graspings, waspish
+stingings, and such-like unwelcome approaches, forged in the shop of I know
+not what kind of insatiabilities, they went about to withdraw and call me
+out of those sweet thoughts wherein I was already beginning to repose
+myself and acquiesce in the contemplation and vision, yea, almost in the
+very touch and taste of the happiness and felicity which the good God hath
+prepared for his faithful saints and elect in the other life and state of
+immortality.  Turn out of their courses and eschew them, step forth of
+their ways and do not resemble them; meanwhile, let me be no more troubled
+by you, but leave me now in silence, I beseech you.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXII.
+
+How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth the Order of the Begging Friars.
+
+Panurge, at his issuing forth of Raminagrobis's chamber, said, as if he had
+been horribly affrighted, By the virtue of God, I believe that he is an
+heretic; the devil take me, if I do not! he doth so villainously rail at
+the Mendicant Friars and Jacobins, who are the two hemispheres of the
+Christian world; by whose gyronomonic circumbilvaginations, as by two
+celivagous filopendulums, all the autonomatic metagrobolism of the Romish
+Church, when tottering and emblustricated with the gibble-gabble gibberish
+of this odious error and heresy, is homocentrically poised.  But what harm,
+in the devil's name, have these poor devils the Capuchins and Minims done
+unto him?  Are not these beggarly devils sufficiently wretched already?
+Who can imagine that these poor snakes, the very extracts of ichthyophagy,
+are not thoroughly enough besmoked and besmeared with misery, distress, and
+calamity?  Dost thou think, Friar John, by thy faith, that he is in the
+state of salvation?  He goeth, before God, as surely damned to thirty
+thousand basketsful of devils as a pruning-bill to the lopping of a
+vine-branch.  To revile with opprobrious speeches the good and courageous
+props and pillars of the Church,--is that to be called a poetical fury?  I
+cannot rest satisfied with him; he sinneth grossly, and blasphemeth against
+the true religion.  I am very much offended at his scandalizing words and
+contumelious obloquy.  I do not care a straw, quoth Friar John, for what he
+hath said; for although everybody should twit and jerk them, it were but a
+just retaliation, seeing all persons are served by them with the like sauce:
+therefore do I pretend no interest therein.  Let us see, nevertheless, what
+he hath written.  Panurge very attentively read the paper which the old man
+had penned; then said to his two fellow-travellers, The poor drinker doteth.
+Howsoever, I excuse him, for that I believe he is now drawing near to the
+end and final closure of his life.  Let us go make his epitaph.  By the
+answer which he hath given us, I am not, I protest, one jot wiser than I
+was.  Hearken here, Epistemon, my little bully, dost not thou hold him to be
+very resolute in his responsory verdicts?  He is a witty, quick, and subtle
+sophister.  I will lay an even wager that he is a miscreant apostate.  By
+the belly of a stalled ox, how careful he is not to be mistaken in his
+words.  He answered but by disjunctives, therefore can it not be true which
+he saith; for the verity of such-like propositions is inherent only in one
+of its two members.  O the cozening prattler that he is!  I wonder if
+Santiago of Bressure be one of these cogging shirks.  Such was of old, quoth
+Epistemon, the custom of the grand vaticinator and prophet Tiresias, who
+used always, by way of a preface, to say openly and plainly at the beginning
+of his divinations and predictions that what he was to tell would either
+come to pass or not.  And such is truly the style of all prudently presaging
+prognosticators.  He was nevertheless, quoth Panurge, so unfortunately
+misadventurous in the lot of his own destiny, that Juno thrust out both his
+eyes.
+
+Yes, answered Epistemon, and that merely out of a spite and spleen for
+having pronounced his award more veritable than she, upon the question
+which was merrily proposed by Jupiter.  But, quoth Panurge, what archdevil
+is it that hath possessed this Master Raminagrobis, that so unreasonably,
+and without any occasion, he should have so snappishly and bitterly
+inveighed against these poor honest fathers, Jacobins, Minors, and Minims?
+It vexeth me grievously, I assure you; nor am I able to conceal my
+indignation.  He hath transgressed most enormously; his soul goeth
+infallibly to thirty thousand panniersful of devils.  I understand you not,
+quoth Epistemon, and it disliketh me very much that you should so absurdly
+and perversely interpret that of the Friar Mendicants which by the harmless
+poet was spoken of black beasts, dun, and other sorts of other coloured
+animals.  He is not in my opinion guilty of such a sophistical and
+fantastic allegory as by that phrase of his to have meant the Begging
+Brothers.  He in downright terms speaketh absolutely and properly of fleas,
+punies, hand worms, flies, gnats, and other such-like scurvy vermin,
+whereof some are black, some dun, some ash-coloured, some tawny, and some
+brown and dusky, all noisome, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, and
+unpleasant creatures, not only to sick and diseased folks, but to those
+also who are of a sound, vigorous, and healthful temperament and
+constitution.  It is not unlikely that he may have the ascarids, and the
+lumbrics, and worms within the entrails of his body.  Possibly doth he
+suffer, as it is frequent and usual amongst the Egyptians, together with
+all those who inhabit the Erythraean confines, and dwell along the shores
+and coasts of the Red Sea, some sour prickings and smart stingings in his
+arms and legs of those little speckled dragons which the Arabians call
+meden.  You are to blame for offering to expound his words otherwise, and
+wrong the ingenuous poet, and outrageously abuse and miscall the said
+fraters, by an imputation of baseness undeservedly laid to their charge.
+We still should, in such like discourses of fatiloquent soothsayers,
+interpret all things to the best.  Will you teach me, quoth Panurge, how to
+discern flies among milk, or show your father the way how to beget
+children?  He is, by the virtue of God, an arrant heretic, a resolute,
+formal heretic; I say, a rooted, combustible heretic, one as fit to burn as
+the little wooden clock at Rochelle.  His soul goeth to thirty thousand
+cartsful of devils.  Would you know whither?  Cocks-body, my friend,
+straight under Proserpina's close-stool, to the very middle of the
+self-same infernal pan within which she, by an excrementitious evacuation,
+voideth the faecal stuff of her stinking clysters, and that just upon the
+left side of the great cauldron of three fathom height, hard by the claws
+and talons of Lucifer, in the very darkest of the passage which leadeth
+towards the black chamber of Demogorgon.  O the villain!
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXIII.
+
+How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to Raminagrobis.
+
+Let us return, quoth Panurge, not ceasing, to the uttermost of our
+abilities, to ply him with wholesome admonitions for the furtherance of his
+salvation.  Let us go back, for God's sake; let us go, in the name of God.
+It will be a very meritorious work, and of great charity in us to deal so
+in the matter, and provide so well for him that, albeit he come to lose
+both body and life, he may at least escape the risk and danger of the
+eternal damnation of his soul.  We will by our holy persuasions bring him
+to a sense and feeling of his escapes, induce him to acknowledge his
+faults, move him to a cordial repentance of his errors, and stir up in him
+such a sincere contrition of heart for his offences, as will prompt him
+with all earnestness to cry mercy, and to beg pardon at the hands of the
+good fathers, as well of the absent as of such as are present.  Whereupon
+we will take instrument formally and authentically extended, to the end he
+be not, after his decease, declared an heretic, and condemned, as were the
+hobgoblins of the provost's wife of Orleans, to the undergoing of such
+punishments, pains, and tortures as are due to and inflicted on those that
+inhabit the horrid cells of the infernal regions; and withal incline,
+instigate, and persuade him to bequeath and leave in legacy (by way of an
+amends and satisfaction for the outrage and injury done to those good
+religious fathers throughout all the convents, cloisters, and monasteries
+of this province), many bribes, a great deal of mass-singing, store of
+obits, and that sempiternally, on the anniversary day of his decease, every
+one of them all be furnished with a quintuple allowance, and that the great
+borachio replenished with the best liquor trudge apace along the tables, as
+well of the young duckling monkitoes, lay brothers, and lowermost degree of
+the abbey lubbards, as of the learned priests and reverend clerks,--the
+very meanest of the novices and mitiants unto the order being equally
+admitted to the benefit of those funerary and obsequial festivals with the
+aged rectors and professed fathers.  This is the surest ordinary means
+whereby from God he may obtain forgiveness.  Ho, ho, I am quite mistaken; I
+digress from the purpose, and fly out of my discourse, as if my spirits
+were a-wool-gathering.  The devil take me, if I go thither!  Virtue God!
+The chamber is already full of devils.  O what a swinging, thwacking noise
+is now amongst them!  O the terrible coil that they keep!  Hearken, do you
+not hear the rustling, thumping bustle of their strokes and blows, as they
+scuffle with one another, like true devils indeed, who shall gulp up the
+Raminagrobis soul, and be the first bringer of it, whilst it is hot, to
+Monsieur Lucifer?  Beware, and get you hence! for my part, I will not go
+thither.  The devil roast me if I go!  Who knows but that these hungry mad
+devils may in the haste of their rage and fury of their impatience take a
+qui for a quo, and instead of Raminagrobis snatch up poor Panurge frank and
+free?  Though formerly, when I was deep in debt, they always failed.  Get
+you hence!  I will not go thither.  Before God, the very bare apprehension
+thereof is like to kill me.  To be in a place where there are greedy,
+famished, and hunger-starved devils; amongst factious devils--amidst
+trading and trafficking devils--O the Lord preserve me!  Get you hence!  I
+dare pawn my credit on it, that no Jacobin, Cordelier, Carmelite, Capuchin,
+Theatin, or Minim will bestow any personal presence at his interment.  The
+wiser they, because he hath ordained nothing for them in his latter will
+and testament.  The devil take me, if I go thither.  If he be damned, to
+his own loss and hindrance be it.  What the deuce moved him to be so
+snappish and depravedly bent against the good fathers of the true religion?
+Why did he cast them off, reject them, and drive them quite out of his
+chamber, even in that very nick of time when he stood in greatest need of
+the aid, suffrage, and assistance of their devout prayers and holy
+admonitions?  Why did not he by testament leave them, at least, some jolly
+lumps and cantles of substantial meat, a parcel of cheek-puffing victuals,
+and a little belly-timber and provision for the guts of these poor folks,
+who have nothing but their life in this world?  Let him go thither who
+will, the devil take me if I go; for, if I should, the devil would not fail
+to snatch me up.  Cancro.  Ho, the pox!  Get you hence, Friar John!  Art
+thou content that thirty thousand wainload of devils should get away with
+thee at this same very instant?  If thou be, at my request do these three
+things.  First, give me thy purse; for besides that thy money is marked
+with crosses, and the cross is an enemy to charms, the same may befall to
+thee which not long ago happened to John Dodin, collector of the excise of
+Coudray, at the ford of Vede, when the soldiers broke the planks.  This
+moneyed fellow, meeting at the very brink of the bank of the ford with
+Friar Adam Crankcod, a Franciscan observantin of Mirebeau, promised him a
+new frock, provided that in the transporting of him over the water he would
+bear him upon his neck and shoulders, after the manner of carrying dead
+goats; for he was a lusty, strong-limbed, sturdy rogue.  The condition
+being agreed upon, Friar Crankcod trusseth himself up to his very ballocks,
+and layeth upon his back, like a fair little Saint Christopher, the load of
+the said supplicant Dodin, and so carried him gaily and with a good will,
+as Aeneas bore his father Anchises through the conflagration of Troy,
+singing in the meanwhile a pretty Ave Maris Stella.  When they were in the
+very deepest place of all the ford, a little above the master-wheel of the
+water-mill, he asked if he had any coin about him.  Yes, quoth Dodin, a
+whole bagful; and that he needed not to mistrust his ability in the
+performance of the promise which he had made unto him concerning a new
+frock.  How! quoth Friar Crankcod, thou knowest well enough that by the
+express rules, canons, and injunctions of our order we are forbidden to
+carry on us any kind of money.  Thou art truly unhappy, for having made me
+in this point to commit a heinous trespass.  Why didst thou not leave thy
+purse with the miller?  Without fail thou shalt presently receive thy
+reward for it; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold upon thee within
+the limits of our chancel at Mirebeau, thou shalt have the Miserere even to
+the Vitulos.  With this, suddenly discharging himself of his burden, he
+throws me down your Dodin headlong.  Take example by this Dodin, my dear
+friend Friar John, to the end that the devils may the better carry thee
+away at thine own ease.  Give me thy purse.  Carry no manner of cross upon
+thee.  Therein lieth an evident and manifestly apparent danger.  For if you
+have any silver coined with a cross upon it, they will cast thee down
+headlong upon some rocks, as the eagles use to do with the tortoises for
+the breaking of their shells, as the bald pate of the poet Aeschylus can
+sufficiently bear witness.  Such a fall would hurt thee very sore, my sweet
+bully, and I would be sorry for it.  Or otherwise they will let thee fall
+and tumble down into the high swollen waves of some capacious sea, I know
+not where; but, I warrant thee, far enough hence, as Icarus fell, which
+from thy name would afterwards get the denomination of the Funnelian Sea.
+
+Secondly, be out of debt.  For the devils carry a great liking to those
+that are out of debt.  I have sore felt the experience thereof in mine own
+particular; for now the lecherous varlets are always wooing me, courting
+me, and making much of me, which they never did when I was all to pieces.
+The soul of one in debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altogether.
+
+Thirdly, with the cowl and Domino de Grobis, return to Raminagrobis; and in
+case, being thus qualified, thirty thousand boatsful of devils forthwith
+come not to carry thee quite away, I shall be content to be at the charge
+of paying for the pint and faggot.  Now, if for the more security thou
+wouldst some associate to bear thee company, let not me be the comrade thou
+searchest for; think not to get a fellow-traveller of me,--nay, do not.  I
+advise thee for the best.  Get you hence; I will not go thither.  The devil
+take me if I go.  Notwithstanding all the fright that you are in, quoth
+Friar John, I would not care so much as might possibly be expected I
+should, if I once had but my sword in my hand.  Thou hast verily hit the
+nail on the head, quoth Panurge, and speakest like a learned doctor, subtle
+and well-skilled in the art of devilry.  At the time when I was a student
+in the University of Toulouse (Tolette), that same reverend father in the
+devil, Picatrix, rector of the diabological faculty, was wont to tell us
+that the devils did naturally fear the bright glancing of swords as much as
+the splendour and light of the sun.  In confirmation of the verity whereof
+he related this story, that Hercules, at his descent into hell to all the
+devils of those regions, did not by half so much terrify them with his club
+and lion's skin as afterwards Aeneas did with his clear shining armour upon
+him, and his sword in his hand well-furbished and unrusted, by the aid,
+counsel, and assistance of the Sybilla Cumana.  That was perhaps the reason
+why the senior John Jacomo di Trivulcio, whilst he was a-dying at Chartres,
+called for his cutlass, and died with a drawn sword in his hand, laying
+about him alongst and athwart around the bed and everywhere within his
+reach, like a stout, doughty, valorous and knight-like cavalier; by which
+resolute manner of fence he scared away and put to flight all the devils
+that were then lying in wait for his soul at the passage of his death.
+When the Massorets and Cabalists are asked why it is that none of all the
+devils do at any time enter into the terrestrial paradise? their answer
+hath been, is, and will be still, that there is a cherubin standing at the
+gate thereof with a flame-like glistering sword in his hand.  Although, to
+speak in the true diabological sense or phrase of Toledo, I must needs
+confess and acknowledge that veritably the devils cannot be killed or die
+by the stroke of a sword, I do nevertheless avow and maintain, according to
+the doctrine of the said diabology, that they may suffer a solution of
+continuity (as if with thy shable thou shouldst cut athwart the flame of a
+burning fire, or the gross opacous exhalations of a thick and obscure
+smoke), and cry out like very devils at their sense and feeling of this
+dissolution, which in real deed I must aver and affirm is devilishly
+painful, smarting, and dolorous.
+
+When thou seest the impetuous shock of two armies, and vehement violence of
+the push in their horrid encounter with one another, dost thou think,
+Ballockasso, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the
+voice and shouts of men, the dashing and jolting of harness, the clattering
+and clashing of armies, the hacking and slashing of battle-axes, the
+justling and crashing of pikes, the bustling and breaking of lances, the
+clamour and shrieks of the wounded, the sound and din of drums, the
+clangour and shrillness of trumpets, the neighing and rushing in of horses,
+with the fearful claps and thundering of all sorts of guns, from the double
+cannon to the pocket pistol inclusively?  I cannot goodly deny but that in
+these various things which I have rehearsed there may be somewhat
+occasionative of the huge yell and tintamarre of the two engaged bodies.
+But the most fearful and tumultuous coil and stir, the terriblest and most
+boisterous garboil and hurry, the chiefest rustling black santus of all,
+and most principal hurlyburly springeth from the grievously plangorous
+howling and lowing of devils, who pell-mell, in a hand-over-head confusion,
+waiting for the poor souls of the maimed and hurt soldiery, receive
+unawares some strokes with swords, and so by those means suffer a solution
+of and division in the continuity of their aerial and invisible substances;
+as if some lackey, snatching at the lard-slices stuck in a piece of roast
+meat on the spit, should get from Mr. Greasyfist a good rap on the knuckles
+with a cudgel.  They cry out and shout like devils, even as Mars did when
+he was hurt by Diomedes at the siege of Troy, who, as Homer testifieth of
+him, did then raise his voice more horrifically loud and sonoriferously
+high than ten thousand men together would have been able to do.  What
+maketh all this for our present purpose?  I have been speaking here of
+well-furbished armour and bright shining swords.  But so is it not, Friar
+John, with thy weapon; for by a long discontinuance of work, cessation from
+labour, desisting from making it officiate, and putting it into that
+practice wherein it had been formerly accustomed, and, in a word, for want
+of occupation, it is, upon my faith, become more rusty than the key-hole of
+an old powdering-tub.  Therefore it is expedient that you do one of these
+two things:  either furbish your weapon bravely, and as it ought to be, or
+otherwise have a care that, in the rusty case it is in, you do not presume
+to return to the house of Raminagrobis.  For my part, I vow I will not go
+thither.  The devil take me if I go.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXIV.
+
+How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon.
+
+Having left the town of Villomere, as they were upon their return towards
+Pantagruel, Panurge, in addressing his discourse to Epistemon, spoke thus:
+My most ancient friend and gossip, thou seest the perplexity of my
+thoughts, and knowest many remedies for the removal thereof; art thou not
+able to help and succour me?  Epistemon, thereupon taking the speech in
+hand, represented unto Panurge how the open voice and common fame of the
+whole country did run upon no other discourse but the derision and mockery
+of his new disguise; wherefore his counsel unto him was that he would in
+the first place be pleased to make use of a little hellebore for the
+purging of his brain of that peccant humour which, through that extravagant
+and fantastic mummery of his, had furnished the people with a too just
+occasion of flouting and gibing, jeering and scoffing him, and that next he
+would resume his ordinary fashion of accoutrement, and go apparelled as he
+was wont to do.  I am, quoth Panurge, my dear gossip Epistemon, of a mind
+and resolution to marry, but am afraid of being a cuckold and to be
+unfortunate in my wedlock.  For this cause have I made a vow to young St.
+Francis--who at Plessis-les-Tours is much reverenced of all women,
+earnestly cried unto by them, and with great devotion, for he was the first
+founder of the confraternity of good men, whom they naturally covet,
+affect, and long for--to wear spectacles in my cap, and to carry no
+codpiece in my breeches, until the present inquietude and perturbation of
+my spirits be fully settled.
+
+Truly, quoth Epistemon, that is a pretty jolly vow of thirteen to a dozen.
+It is a shame to you, and I wonder much at it, that you do not return unto
+yourself, and recall your senses from this their wild swerving and straying
+abroad to that rest and stillness which becomes a virtuous man.  This
+whimsical conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a solemn promise
+made by the shag-haired Argives, who, having in their controversy against
+the Lacedaemonians for the territory of Thyrea, lost the battle which they
+hoped should have decided it for their advantage, vowed to carry never any
+hair on their heads till preallably they had recovered the loss of both
+their honour and lands.  As likewise to the memory of the vow of a pleasant
+Spaniard called Michael Doris, who vowed to carry in his hat a piece of the
+shin of his leg till he should be revenged of him who had struck it off.
+Yet do not I know which of these two deserveth most to wear a green and
+yellow hood with a hare's ears tied to it, either the aforesaid
+vainglorious champion, or that Enguerrant, who having forgot the art and
+manner of writing histories set down by the Samosatian philosopher, maketh
+a most tediously long narrative and relation thereof.  For, at the first
+reading of such a profuse discourse, one would think it had been broached
+for the introducing of a story of great importance and moment concerning
+the waging of some formidable war, or the notable change and mutation of
+potent states and kingdoms; but, in conclusion, the world laugheth at the
+capricious champion, at the Englishman who had affronted him, as also at
+their scribbler Enguerrant, more drivelling at the mouth than a mustard
+pot.  The jest and scorn thereof is not unlike to that of the mountain of
+Horace, which by the poet was made to cry out and lament most enormously as
+a woman in the pangs and labour of child-birth, at which deplorable and
+exorbitant cries and lamentations the whole neighbourhood being assembled
+in expectation to see some marvellous monstrous production, could at last
+perceive no other but the paltry, ridiculous mouse.
+
+Your mousing, quoth Panurge, will not make me leave my musing why folks
+should be so frumpishly disposed, seeing I am certainly persuaded that some
+flout who merit to be flouted at; yet, as my vow imports, so will I do.  It
+is now a long time since, by Jupiter Philos (A mistake of the
+translator's.--M.), we did swear faith and amity to one another.  Give me
+your advice, billy, and tell me your opinion freely, Should I marry or no?
+Truly, quoth Epistemon, the case is hazardous, and the danger so eminently
+apparent that I find myself too weak and insufficient to give you a
+punctual and peremptory resolution therein; and if ever it was true that
+judgment is difficult in matters of the medicinal art, what was said by
+Hippocrates of Lango, it is certainly so in this case.  True it is that in
+my brain there are some rolling fancies, by means whereof somewhat may be
+pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the disentangling your mind of those
+dubious apprehensions wherewith it is perplexed; but they do not thoroughly
+satisfy me.  Some of the Platonic sect affirm that whosoever is able to see
+his proper genius may know his own destiny.  I understand not their
+doctrine, nor do I think that you adhere to them; there is a palpable
+abuse.  I have seen the experience of it in a very curious gentleman of the
+country of Estangourre.  This is one of the points.  There is yet another
+not much better.  If there were any authority now in the oracles of Jupiter
+Ammon; of Apollo in Lebadia, Delphos, Delos, Cyrra, Patara, Tegyres,
+Preneste, Lycia, Colophon, or in the Castalian Fountain; near Antiochia in
+Syria, between the Branchidians; of Bacchus in Dodona; of Mercury in
+Phares, near Patras; of Apis in Egypt; of Serapis in Canope; of Faunus in
+Menalia, and Albunea near Tivoli; of Tiresias in Orchomenus; of Mopsus in
+Cilicia; of Orpheus in Lesbos, and of Trophonius in Leucadia; I would in
+that case advise you, and possibly not, to go thither for their judgment
+concerning the design and enterprise you have in hand.  But you know that
+they are all of them become as dumb as so many fishes since the advent of
+that Saviour King whose coming to this world hath made all oracles and
+prophecies to cease; as the approach of the sun's radiant beams expelleth
+goblins, bugbears, hobthrushes, broams, screech-owl-mates, night-walking
+spirits, and tenebrions.  These now are gone; but although they were as yet
+in continuance and in the same power, rule, and request that formerly they
+were, yet would not I counsel you to be too credulous in putting any trust
+in their responses.  Too many folks have been deceived thereby.  It stands
+furthermore upon record how Agrippina did charge the fair Lollia with the
+crime of having interrogated the oracle of Apollo Clarius, to understand if
+she should be at any time married to the Emperor Claudius; for which cause
+she was first banished, and thereafter put to a shameful and ignominious
+death.
+
+But, saith Panurge, let us do better.  The Ogygian Islands are not far
+distant from the haven of Sammalo.  Let us, after that we shall have spoken
+to our king, make a voyage thither.  In one of these four isles, to wit,
+that which hath its primest aspect towards the sun setting, it is reported,
+and I have read in good antique and authentic authors, that there reside
+many soothsayers, fortune-tellers, vaticinators, prophets, and diviners of
+things to come; that Saturn inhabiteth that place, bound with fair chains
+of gold and within the concavity of a golden rock, being nourished with
+divine ambrosia and nectar, which are daily in great store and abundance
+transmitted to him from the heavens, by I do not well know what kind of
+fowls,--it may be that they are the same ravens which in the deserts are
+said to have fed St. Paul, the first hermit,--he very clearly foretelleth
+unto everyone who is desirous to be certified of the condition of his lot
+what his destiny will be, and what future chance the Fates have ordained
+for him; for the Parcae, or Weird Sisters, do not twist, spin, or draw out
+a thread, nor yet doth Jupiter perpend, project, or deliberate anything
+which the good old celestial father knoweth not to the full, even whilst he
+is asleep.  This will be a very summary abbreviation of our labour, if we
+but hearken unto him a little upon the serious debate and canvassing of
+this my perplexity.  That is, answered Epistemon, a gullery too evident, a
+plain abuse and fib too fabulous.  I will not go, not I; I will not go.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXV.
+
+How Panurge consulteth with Herr Trippa.
+
+Nevertheless, quoth Epistemon, continuing his discourse, I will tell you
+what you may do, if you believe me, before we return to our king.  Hard by
+here, in the Brown-wheat (Bouchart) Island, dwelleth Herr Trippa.  You know
+how by the arts of astrology, geomancy, chiromancy, metopomancy, and others
+of a like stuff and nature, he foretelleth all things to come; let us talk
+a little, and confer with him about your business.  Of that, answered
+Panurge, I know nothing; but of this much concerning him I am assured, that
+one day, and that not long since, whilst he was prating to the great king
+of celestial, sublime, and transcendent things, the lacqueys and footboys
+of the court, upon the upper steps of stairs between two doors, jumbled,
+one after another, as often as they listed, his wife, who is passable fair,
+and a pretty snug hussy.  Thus he who seemed very clearly to see all
+heavenly and terrestrial things without spectacles, who discoursed boldly
+of adventures past, with great confidence opened up present cases and
+accidents, and stoutly professed the presaging of all future events and
+contingencies, was not able, with all the skill and cunning that he had, to
+perceive the bumbasting of his wife, whom he reputed to be very chaste, and
+hath not till this hour got notice of anything to the contrary.  Yet let us
+go to him, seeing you will have it so; for surely we can never learn too
+much.  They on the very next ensuing day came to Herr Trippa's lodging.
+Panurge, by way of donative, presented him with a long gown lined all
+through with wolf-skins, with a short sword mounted with a gilded hilt and
+covered with a velvet scabbard, and with fifty good single angels; then in
+a familiar and friendly way did he ask of him his opinion touching the
+affair.  At the very first Herr Trippa, looking on him very wistly in the
+face, said unto him:  Thou hast the metoposcopy and physiognomy of a
+cuckold,--I say, of a notorious and infamous cuckold.  With this, casting
+an eye upon Panurge's right hand in all the parts thereof, he said, This
+rugged draught which I see here, just under the mount of Jove, was never
+yet but in the hand of a cuckold.  Afterwards, he with a white lead pen
+swiftly and hastily drew a certain number of diverse kinds of points, which
+by rules of geomancy he coupled and joined together; then said:  Truth
+itself is not truer than that it is certain thou wilt be a cuckold a little
+after thy marriage.  That being done, he asked of Panurge the horoscope of
+his nativity, which was no sooner by Panurge tendered unto him, than that,
+erecting a figure, he very promptly and speedily formed and fashioned a
+complete fabric of the houses of heaven in all their parts, whereof when he
+had considered the situation and the aspects in their triplicities, he
+fetched a deep sigh, and said:  I have clearly enough already discovered
+unto you the fate of your cuckoldry, which is unavoidable, you cannot
+escape it.  And here have I got of new a further assurance thereof, so that
+I may now hardily pronounce and affirm, without any scruple or hesitation
+at all, that thou wilt be a cuckold; that furthermore, thou wilt be beaten
+by thine own wife, and that she will purloin, filch and steal of thy goods
+from thee; for I find the seventh house, in all its aspects, of a malignant
+influence, and every one of the planets threatening thee with disgrace,
+according as they stand seated towards one another, in relation to the
+horned signs of Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn.  In the fourth house I find
+Jupiter in a decadence, as also in a tetragonal aspect to Saturn,
+associated with Mercury.  Thou wilt be soundly peppered, my good, honest
+fellow, I warrant thee.  I will be? answered Panurge.  A plague rot thee,
+thou old fool and doting sot, how graceless and unpleasant thou art!  When
+all cuckolds shall be at a general rendezvous, thou shouldst be their
+standard-bearer.  But whence comes this ciron-worm betwixt these two
+fingers?  This Panurge said, putting the forefinger of his left hand
+betwixt the fore and mid finger of the right, which he thrust out towards
+Herr Trippa, holding them open after the manner of two horns, and shutting
+into his fist his thumb with the other fingers.  Then, in turning to
+Epistemon, he said:  Lo here the true Olus of Martial, who addicted and
+devoted himself wholly to the observing the miseries, crosses, and
+calamities of others, whilst his own wife, in the interim, did keep an open
+bawdy-house.  This varlet is poorer than ever was Irus, and yet he is
+proud, vaunting, arrogant, self-conceited, overweening, and more
+insupportable than seventeen devils; in one word, Ptochalazon, which term
+of old was applied to the like beggarly strutting coxcombs.  Come, let us
+leave this madpash bedlam, this hairbrained fop, and give him leave to rave
+and dose his bellyful with his private and intimately acquainted devils,
+who, if they were not the very worst of all infernal fiends, would never
+have deigned to serve such a knavish barking cur as this is.  He hath not
+learnt the first precept of philosophy, which is, Know thyself; for whilst
+he braggeth and boasteth that he can discern the least mote in the eye of
+another, he is not able to see the huge block that puts out the sight of
+both his eyes.  This is such another Polypragmon as is by Plutarch
+described.  He is of the nature of the Lamian witches, who in foreign
+places, in the houses of strangers, in public, and amongst the common
+people, had a sharper and more piercing inspection into their affairs than
+any lynx, but at home in their own proper dwelling-mansions were blinder
+than moldwarps, and saw nothing at all.  For their custom was, at their
+return from abroad, when they were by themselves in private, to take their
+eyes out of their head, from whence they were as easily removable as a pair
+of spectacles from their nose, and to lay them up into a wooden slipper
+which for that purpose did hang behind the door of their lodging.
+
+Panurge had no sooner done speaking, when Herr Trippa took into his hand a
+tamarisk branch.  In this, quoth Epistemon, he doth very well, right, and
+like an artist, for Nicander calleth it the divinatory tree.  Have you a
+mind, quoth Herr Trippa, to have the truth of the matter yet more fully and
+amply disclosed unto you by pyromancy, by aeromancy, whereof Aristophanes
+in his Clouds maketh great estimation, by hydromancy, by lecanomancy, of
+old in prime request amongst the Assyrians, and thoroughly tried by
+Hermolaus Barbarus.  Come hither, and I will show thee in this platterful
+of fair fountain-water thy future wife lechering and sercroupierizing it
+with two swaggering ruffians, one after another.  Yea, but have a special
+care, quoth Panurge, when thou comest to put thy nose within mine arse,
+that thou forget not to pull off thy spectacles.  Herr Trippa, going on in
+his discourse, said, By catoptromancy, likewise held in such account by the
+Emperor Didius Julianus, that by means thereof he ever and anon foresaw all
+that which at any time did happen or befall unto him.  Thou shalt not need
+to put on thy spectacles, for in a mirror thou wilt see her as clearly and
+manifestly nebrundiated and billibodring it, as if I should show it in the
+fountain of the temple of Minerva near Patras.  By coscinomancy, most
+religiously observed of old amidst the ceremonies of the ancient Romans.
+Let us have a sieve and shears, and thou shalt see devils.  By
+alphitomancy, cried up by Theocritus in his Pharmaceutria.  By alentomancy,
+mixing the flour of wheat with oatmeal.  By astragalomancy, whereof I have
+the plots and models all at hand ready for the purpose.  By tyromancy,
+whereof we make some proof in a great Brehemont cheese which I here keep by
+me.  By giromancy, if thou shouldst turn round circles, thou mightest
+assure thyself from me that they would fall always on the wrong side.  By
+sternomancy, which maketh nothing for thy advantage, for thou hast an
+ill-proportioned stomach.  By libanomancy, for the which we shall need but
+a little frankincense.  By gastromancy, which kind of ventral fatiloquency
+was for a long time together used in Ferrara by Lady Giacoma Rodogina, the
+Engastrimythian prophetess.  By cephalomancy, often practised amongst the
+High Germans in their boiling of an ass's head upon burning coals.  By
+ceromancy, where, by the means of wax dissolved into water, thou shalt see
+the figure, portrait, and lively representation of thy future wife, and of
+her fredin fredaliatory belly-thumping blades.  By capnomancy.  O the
+gallantest and most excellent of all secrets!  By axionomancy; we want only
+a hatchet and a jet-stone to be laid together upon a quick fire of hot
+embers.  O how bravely Homer was versed in the practice hereof towards
+Penelope's suitors!  By onymancy; for that we have oil and wax.  By
+tephromancy.  Thou wilt see the ashes thus aloft dispersed exhibiting thy
+wife in a fine posture.  By botanomancy; for the nonce I have some few
+leaves in reserve.  By sicomancy; O divine art in fig-tree leaves!  By
+icthiomancy, in ancient times so celebrated, and put in use by Tiresias and
+Polydamas, with the like certainty of event as was tried of old at the
+Dina-ditch within that grove consecrated to Apollo which is in the
+territory of the Lycians.  By choiromancy; let us have a great many hogs,
+and thou shalt have the bladder of one of them.  By cheromancy, as the bean
+is found in the cake at the Epiphany vigil.  By anthropomancy, practised by
+the Roman Emperor Heliogabalus.  It is somewhat irksome, but thou wilt
+endure it well enough, seeing thou art destinated to be a cuckold.  By a
+sibylline stichomancy.  By onomatomancy.  How do they call thee?
+Chaw-turd, quoth Panurge.  Or yet by alectryomancy.  If I should here with
+a compass draw a round, and in looking upon thee, and considering thy lot,
+divide the circumference thereof into four-and-twenty equal parts, then
+form a several letter of the alphabet upon every one of them; and, lastly,
+posit a barleycorn or two upon each of these so disposed letters, I durst
+promise upon my faith and honesty that, if a young virgin cock be permitted
+to range alongst and athwart them, he should only eat the grains which are
+set and placed upon these letters, A. C.U.C.K.O.L.D. T.H.O.U. S.H.A.L.T.
+B.E.  And that as fatidically as, under the Emperor Valens, most
+perplexedly desirous to know the name of him who should be his successor to
+the empire, the cock vacticinating and alectryomantic ate up the pickles
+that were posited on the letters T.H.E.O.D.  Or, for the more certainty,
+will you have a trial of your fortune by the art of aruspiciny, by augury,
+or by extispiciny?  By turdispiciny, quoth Panurge.  Or yet by the mystery
+of necromancy?  I will, if you please, suddenly set up again and revive
+someone lately deceased, as Apollonius of Tyane did to Achilles, and the
+Pythoness in the presence of Saul; which body, so raised up and
+requickened, will tell us the sum of all you shall require of him:  no more
+nor less than, at the invocation of Erictho, a certain defunct person
+foretold to Pompey the whole progress and issue of the fatal battle fought
+in the Pharsalian fields.  Or, if you be afraid of the dead, as commonly
+all cuckolds are, I will make use of the faculty of sciomancy.
+
+Go, get thee gone, quoth Panurge, thou frantic ass, to the devil, and be
+buggered, filthy Bardachio that thou art, by some Albanian, for a
+steeple-crowned hat.  Why the devil didst not thou counsel me as well to
+hold an emerald or the stone of a hyaena under my tongue, or to furnish and
+provide myself with tongues of whoops, and hearts of green frogs, or to eat
+of the liver and milt of some dragon, to the end that by those means I
+might, at the chanting and chirping of swans and other fowls, understand the
+substance of my future lot and destiny, as did of old the Arabians in the
+country of Mesopotamia?  Fifteen brace of devils seize upon the body and
+soul of this horned renegado, miscreant cuckold, the enchanter, witch, and
+sorcerer of Antichrist to all the devils of hell!  Let us return towards our
+king.  I am sure he will not be well pleased with us if he once come to get
+notice that we have been in the kennel of this muffled devil.  I repent my
+being come hither.  I would willingly dispense with a hundred nobles and
+fourteen yeomans, on condition that he who not long since did blow in the
+bottom of my breeches should instantly with his squirting spittle inluminate
+his moustaches.  O Lord God now! how the villain hath besmoked me with
+vexation and anger, with charms and witchcraft, and with a terrible coil and
+stir of infernal and Tartarian devils!  The devil take him!  Say Amen, and
+let us go drink.  I shall not have any appetite for my victuals, how good
+cheer soever I make, these two days to come,--hardly these four.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXVI.
+
+How Panurge consulteth with Friar John of the Funnels.
+
+Panurge was indeed very much troubled in mind and disquieted at the words
+of Herr Trippa, and therefore, as he passed by the little village of
+Huymes, after he had made his address to Friar John, in pecking at,
+rubbing, and scratching his own left ear, he said unto him, Keep me a
+little jovial and merry, my dear and sweet bully, for I find my brains
+altogether metagrabolized and confounded, and my spirits in a most dunsical
+puzzle at the bitter talk of this devilish, hellish, damned fool.  Hearken,
+my dainty cod.
+
+Mellow C.            Varnished C.      Resolute C.
+Lead-coloured C.     Renowned C.       Cabbage-like C.
+Knurled C.           Matted C.         Courteous C.
+Suborned C.          Genitive C.       Fertile C.
+Desired C.           Gigantal C.       Whizzing C.
+Stuffed C.           Oval C.           Neat C.
+Speckled C.          Claustral C.      Common C.
+Finely metalled C.   Virile C.         Brisk C.
+Arabian-like C.      Stayed C.         Quick C.
+Trussed-up Grey-     Massive C.        Bearlike C.
+  hound-like C.      Manual C.         Partitional C.
+Mounted C.           Absolute C.       Patronymic C.
+Sleeked C.           Well-set C.       Cockney C.
+Diapered C.          Gemel C.          Auromercuriated C.
+Spotted C.           Turkish C.        Robust C.
+Master C.            Burning C.        Appetizing C.
+Seeded C.            Thwacking C.      Succourable C.
+Lusty C.             Urgent C.         Redoubtable C.
+Jupped C.            Handsome C.       Affable C.
+Milked C.            Prompt C.         Memorable C.
+Calfeted C.          Fortunate C.      Palpable C.
+Raised C.            Boxwood C.        Barbable C.
+Odd C.               Latten C.         Tragical C.
+Steeled C.           Unbridled C.      Transpontine C.
+Stale C.             Hooked C.         Digestive C.
+Orange-tawny C.      Researched C.     Active C.
+Embroidered C.       Encompassed C.    Vital C.
+Glazed C.            Strouting out C.  Magistral C.
+Interlarded C.       Jolly C.          Monachal C.
+Burgher-like C.      Lively C.         Subtle C.
+Empowdered C.        Gerundive C.      Hammering C.
+Ebonized C.          Franked C.        Clashing C.
+Brasiliated C.       Polished C.       Tingling C.
+Organized C.         Powdered Beef C.  Usual C.
+Passable C.          Positive C.       Exquisite C.
+Trunkified C.        Spared C.         Trim C.
+Furious C.           Bold C.           Succulent C.
+Packed C.            Lascivious C.     Factious C.
+Hooded C.            Gluttonous C.     Clammy C.
+Fat C.               Boulting C.       New-vamped C.
+High-prized C.       Snorting C.       Improved C.
+Requisite C.         Pilfering C.      Malling C.
+Laycod C.            Shaking C.        Sounding C.
+Hand-filling C.      Bobbing C.        Battled C.
+Insuperable C.       Chiveted C.       Burly C.
+Agreeable C.         Fumbling C.       Seditious C.
+Formidable C.        Topsyturvying C.  Wardian C.
+Profitable C.        Raging C.         Protective C.
+Notable C.           Piled up C.       Twinkling C.
+Musculous C.         Filled up C.      Able C.
+Subsidiary C.        Manly C.          Algoristical C.
+Satiric C.           Idle C.           Odoriferous C.
+Repercussive C.      Membrous C.       Pranked C.
+Convulsive C.        Strong C.         Jocund C.
+Restorative C.       Twin C.           Routing C.
+Masculinating C.     Belabouring C.    Purloining C.
+Incarnative C.       Gentle C.         Frolic C.
+Sigillative C.       Stirring C.       Wagging C.
+Sallying C.          Confident C.      Ruffling C.
+Plump C.             Nimble C.         Jumbling C.
+Thundering C.        Roundheaded C.    Rumbling C.
+Lechering C.         Figging C.        Thumping C.
+Fulminating C.       Helpful C.        Bumping C.
+Sparkling C.         Spruce C.         Cringeling C.
+Ramming C.           Plucking C.       Berumpling C.
+Lusty C.             Ramage C.         Jogging C.
+Household C.         Fine C.           Nobbing C.
+Pretty C.            Fierce C.         Touzing C.
+Astrolabian C.       Brawny C.         Tumbling C.
+Algebraical C.       Compt C.          Fambling C.
+Venust C.            Repaired C.       Overturning C.
+Aromatizing C.       Soft C.           Shooting C.
+Tricksy C.           Wild C.           Culeting C.
+Paillard C.          Renewed C.        Jagged C.
+Gaillard C.          Quaint C.         Pinked C.
+Broaching C.         Starting C.       Arsiversing C.
+Addle C.             Fleshy C.         Polished C.
+Syndicated C.        Auxiliary C.      Slashed C.
+Hamed C.             Stuffed C.        Clashing C.
+Leisurely C.         Well-fed C.       Wagging C.
+Cut C.               Flourished C.     Scriplike C.
+Smooth C.            Fallow C.         Encremastered C.
+Depending C.         Sudden C.         Bouncing C.
+Independent C.       Graspful C.       Levelling C.
+Lingering C.         Swillpow C.       Fly-flap C.
+Rapping C.           Crushing C.       Perinae-tegminal C.
+Reverend C.          Creaking C.       Squat-couching C.
+Nodding C.           Dilting C.        Short-hung C.
+Disseminating C.     Ready C.          The hypogastrian C.
+Affecting C.         Vigorous C.       Witness-bearing C.
+Affected C.          Skulking C.       Testigerous C.
+Grappled C.          Superlative C.    Instrumental C.
+
+My harcabuzing cod and buttock-stirring ballock, Friar John, my friend, I
+do carry a singular respect unto thee, and honour thee with all my heart.
+Thy counsel I hold for a choice and delicate morsel; therefore have I
+reserved it for the last bit.  Give me thy advice freely, I beseech thee,
+Should I marry or no?  Friar John very merrily, and with a sprightly
+cheerfulness, made this answer to him:  Marry, in the devil's name.  Why
+not?  What the devil else shouldst thou do but marry?  Take thee a wife,
+and furbish her harness to some tune.  Swinge her skin-coat as if thou wert
+beating on stock-fish; and let the repercussion of thy clapper from her
+resounding metal make a noise as if a double peal of chiming-bells were
+hung at the cremasters of thy ballocks.  As I say marry, so do I understand
+that thou shouldst fall to work as speedily as may be; yea, my meaning is
+that thou oughtest to be so quick and forward therein, as on this same very
+day, before sunset, to cause proclaim thy banns of matrimony, and make
+provision of bedsteads.  By the blood of a hog's-pudding, till when wouldst
+thou delay the acting of a husband's part?  Dost thou not know, and is it
+not daily told unto thee, that the end of the world approacheth?  We are
+nearer it by three poles and half a fathom than we were two days ago.  The
+Antichrist is already born; at least it is so reported by many.  The truth
+is, that hitherto the effects of his wrath have not reached further than to
+the scratching of his nurse and governesses.  His nails are not sharp
+enough as yet, nor have his claws attained to their full growth,--he is
+little.
+
+  Crescat; Nos qui vivimus, multiplicemur.
+
+It is written so, and it is holy stuff, I warrant you; the truth whereof is
+like to last as long as a sack of corn may be had for a penny, and a
+puncheon of pure wine for threepence.  Wouldst thou be content to be found
+with thy genitories full in the day of judgment?  Dum venerit judicari?
+Thou hast, quoth Panurge, a right, clear, and neat spirit, Friar John, my
+metropolitan cod; thou speakst in very deed pertinently and to purpose.
+That belike was the reason which moved Leander of Abydos in Asia, whilst he
+was swimming through the Hellespontic sea to make a visit to his sweetheart
+Hero of Sestus in Europe, to pray unto Neptune and all the other marine
+gods, thus:
+
+  Now, whilst I go, have pity on me,
+  And at my back returning drown me.
+
+He was loth, it seems, to die with his cods overgorged.  He was to be
+commended; therefore do I promise, that from henceforth no malefactor shall
+by justice be executed within my jurisdiction of Salmigondinois, who shall
+not, for a day or two at least before, be permitted to culbut and
+foraminate onocrotalwise, that there remain not in all his vessels to write
+a Greek Y.  Such a precious thing should not be foolishly cast away.  He
+will perhaps therewith beget a male, and so depart the more contentedly out
+of this life, that he shall have left behind him one for one.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXVII.
+
+How Friar John merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge.
+
+By Saint Rigomet, quoth Friar John, I do advise thee to nothing, my dear
+friend Panurge, which I would not do myself were I in thy place.  Only have
+a special care, and take good heed thou solder well together the joints of
+the double-backed and two-bellied beast, and fortify thy nerves so
+strongly, that there be no discontinuance in the knocks of the venerean
+thwacking, else thou art lost, poor soul.  For if there pass long intervals
+betwixt the priapizing feats, and that thou make an intermission of too
+large a time, that will befall thee which betides the nurses if they desist
+from giving suck to children--they lose their milk; and if continually thou
+do not hold thy aspersory tool in exercise, and keep thy mentul going, thy
+lacticinian nectar will be gone, and it will serve thee only as a pipe to
+piss out at, and thy cods for a wallet of lesser value than a beggar's
+scrip.  This is a certain truth I tell thee, friend, and doubt not of it;
+for myself have seen the sad experiment thereof in many, who cannot now do
+what they would, because before they did not what they might have done:  Ex
+desuetudine amittuntur privilegia.  Non-usage oftentimes destroys one's
+right, say the learned doctors of the law; therefore, my billy, entertain
+as well as possibly thou canst that hypogastrian lower sort of troglodytic
+people, that their chief pleasure may be placed in the case of sempiternal
+labouring.  Give order that henceforth they live not, like idle gentlemen,
+idly upon their rents and revenues, but that they may work for their
+livelihood by breaking ground within the Paphian trenches.  Nay truly,
+answered Panurge, Friar John, my left ballock, I will believe thee, for
+thou dealest plain with me, and fallest downright square upon the business,
+without going about the bush with frivolous circumstances and unnecessary
+reservations.  Thou with the splendour of a piercing wit hast dissipated
+all the lowering clouds of anxious apprehensions and suspicions which did
+intimidate and terrify me; therefore the heavens be pleased to grant to
+thee at all she-conflicts a stiff-standing fortune.  Well then, as thou
+hast said, so will I do; I will, in good faith, marry,--in that point there
+shall be no failing, I promise thee,--and shall have always by me pretty
+girls clothed with the name of my wife's waiting-maids, that, lying under
+thy wings, thou mayest be night-protector of their sisterhood.
+
+Let this serve for the first part of the sermon.  Hearken, quoth Friar
+John, to the oracle of the bells of Varenes.  What say they?  I hear and
+understand them, quoth Panurge; their sound is, by my thirst, more
+uprightly fatidical than that of Jove's great kettles in Dodona.  Hearken!
+Take thee a wife, take thee a wife, and marry, marry, marry; for if thou
+marry, thou shalt find good therein, herein, here in a wife thou shalt find
+good; so marry, marry.  I will assure thee that I shall be married; all the
+elements invite and prompt me to it.  Let this word be to thee a brazen
+wall, by diffidence not to be broken through.  As for the second part of
+this our doctrine,--thou seemest in some measure to mistrust the readiness
+of my paternity in the practising of my placket-racket within the
+Aphrodisian tennis-court at all times fitting, as if the stiff god of
+gardens were not favourable to me.  I pray thee, favour me so much as to
+believe that I still have him at a beck, attending always my commandments,
+docile, obedient, vigorous, and active in all things and everywhere, and
+never stubborn or refractory to my will or pleasure.  I need no more but to
+let go the reins, and slacken the leash, which is the belly-point, and when
+the game is shown unto him, say, Hey, Jack, to thy booty! he will not fail
+even then to flesh himself upon his prey, and tuzzle it to some purpose.
+Hereby you may perceive, although my future wife were as unsatiable and
+gluttonous in her voluptuousness and the delights of venery as ever was the
+Empress Messalina, or yet the Marchioness (of Oincester) in England, and I
+desire thee to give credit to it, that I lack not for what is requisite to
+overlay the stomach of her lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to please
+her.  I am not ignorant that Solomon said, who indeed of that matter
+speaketh clerklike and learnedly,--as also how Aristotle after him declared
+for a truth that, for the greater part, the lechery of a woman is ravenous
+and unsatisfiable.  Nevertheless, let such as are my friends who read those
+passages receive from me for a most real verity, that I for such a Jill
+have a fit Jack; and that, if women's things cannot be satiated, I have an
+instrument indefatigable,--an implement as copious in the giving as can in
+craving be their vade mecums.  Do not here produce ancient examples of the
+paragons of paillardice, and offer to match with my testiculatory ability
+the Priapaean prowess of the fabulous fornicators, Hercules, Proculus
+Caesar, and Mahomet, who in his Alkoran doth vaunt that in his cods he had
+the vigour of three score bully ruffians; but let no zealous Christian
+trust the rogue,--the filthy ribald rascal is a liar.  Nor shalt thou need
+to urge authorities, or bring forth the instance of the Indian prince of
+whom Theophrastus, Plinius, and Athenaeus testify, that with the help of a
+certain herb he was able, and had given frequent experiments thereof, to
+toss his sinewy piece of generation in the act of carnal concupiscence
+above three score and ten times in the space of four-and-twenty hours.  Of
+that I believe nothing, the number is supposititious, and too prodigally
+foisted in.  Give no faith unto it, I beseech thee, but prithee trust me in
+this, and thy credulity therein shall not be wronged, for it is true, and
+probatum est, that my pioneer of nature--the sacred ithyphallian champion
+--is of all stiff-intruding blades the primest.  Come hither, my ballocket,
+and hearken.  Didst thou ever see the monk of Castre's cowl?  When in any
+house it was laid down, whether openly in the view of all or covertly out
+of the sight of any, such was the ineffable virtue thereof for excitating
+and stirring up the people of both sexes unto lechery, that the whole
+inhabitants and indwellers, not only of that, but likewise of all the
+circumjacent places thereto, within three leagues around it, did suddenly
+enter into rut, both beasts and folks, men and women, even to the dogs and
+hogs, rats and cats.
+
+I swear to thee that many times heretofore I have perceived and found in my
+codpiece a certain kind of energy or efficacious virtue much more irregular
+and of a greater anomaly than what I have related.  I will not speak to
+thee either of house or cottage, nor of church or market, but only tell
+thee, that once at the representation of the Passion, which was acted at
+Saint Maxents, I had no sooner entered within the pit of the theatre, but
+that forthwith, by the virtue and occult property of it, on a sudden all
+that were there, both players and spectators, did fall into such an
+exorbitant temptation of lust, that there was not angel, man, devil, nor
+deviless upon the place who would not then have bricollitched it with all
+their heart and soul.  The prompter forsook his copy, he who played
+Michael's part came down to rights, the devils issued out of hell and
+carried along with them most of the pretty little girls that were there;
+yea, Lucifer got out of his fetters; in a word, seeing the huge disorder, I
+disparked myself forth of that enclosed place, in imitation of Cato the
+Censor, who perceiving, by reason of his presence, the Floralian festivals
+out of order, withdrew himself.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXVIII.
+
+How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry.
+
+I understand thee well enough, said Friar John; but time makes all things
+plain.  The most durable marble or porphyry is subject to old age and
+decay.  Though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the exercise,
+yet is it like I will hear thee confess a few years hence that thy cods
+hang dangling downwards for want of a better truss.  I see thee waxing a
+little hoar-headed already.  Thy beard, by the distinction of grey, white,
+tawny, and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance of a map of the
+terrestrial globe or geographical chart.  Look attentively upon and take
+inspection of what I shall show unto thee.  Behold there Asia.  Here are
+Tigris and Euphrates.  Lo there Afric.  Here is the mountain of the Moon,
+--yonder thou mayst perceive the fenny march of Nilus.  On this side lieth
+Europe.  Dost thou not see the Abbey of Theleme?  This little tuft, which
+is altogether white, is the Hyperborean Hills.  By the thirst of my
+thropple, friend, when snow is on the mountains, I say the head and the
+chin, there is not then any considerable heat to be expected in the valleys
+and low countries of the codpiece.  By the kibes of thy heels, quoth
+Panurge, thou dost not understand the topics.  When snow is on the tops of
+the hills, lightning, thunder, tempest, whirlwinds, storms, hurricanes, and
+all the devils of hell rage in the valleys.  Wouldst thou see the
+experience thereof, go to the territory of the Switzers and earnestly
+perpend with thyself there the situation of the lake of Wunderberlich,
+about four leagues distant from Berne, on the Syon-side of the land.  Thou
+twittest me with my grey hairs, yet considerest not how I am of the nature
+of leeks, which with a white head carry a green, fresh, straight, and
+vigorous tail.  The truth is, nevertheless (why should I deny it), that I
+now and then discern in myself some indicative signs of old age.  Tell
+this, I prithee, to nobody, but let it be kept very close and secret
+betwixt us two; for I find the wine much sweeter now, more savoury to my
+taste, and unto my palate of a better relish than formerly I was wont to
+do; and withal, besides mine accustomed manner, I have a more dreadful
+apprehension than I ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad wine.  Note
+and observe that this doth argue and portend I know not what of the west
+and occident of my time, and signifieth that the south and meridian of mine
+age is past.  But what then, my gentle companion?  That doth but betoken
+that I will hereafter drink so much the more.  That is not, the devil hale
+it, the thing that I fear; nor is it there where my shoe pinches.  The
+thing that I doubt most, and have greatest reason to dread and suspect is,
+that through some long absence of our King Pantagruel (to whom I must needs
+bear company should he go to all the devils of Barathrum), my future wife
+shall make me a cuckold.  This is, in truth, the long and short on't.  For
+I am by all those whom I have spoke to menaced and threatened with a horned
+fortune, and all of them affirm it is the lot to which from heaven I am
+predestinated.  Everyone, answered Friar John, that would be a cuckold is
+not one.  If it be thy fate to be hereafter of the number of that horned
+cattle, then may I conclude with an Ergo, thy wife will be beautiful, and
+Ergo, thou wilt be kindly used by her.  Likewise with this Ergo, thou shalt
+be blessed with the fruition of many friends and well-willers.  And finally
+with this other Ergo, thou shalt be saved and have a place in Paradise.
+These are monachal topics and maxims of the cloister.  Thou mayst take more
+liberty to sin.  Thou shalt be more at ease than ever.  There will be never
+the less left for thee, nothing diminished, but thy goods shall increase
+notably.  And if so be it was preordinated for thee, wouldst thou be so
+impious as not to acquiesce in thy destiny?  Speak, thou jaded cod.
+
+Faded C.           Louting C.            Appellant C.
+Mouldy C.          Discouraged C.        Swagging C.
+Musty C.           Surfeited C.          Withered C.
+Paltry C.          Peevish C.            Broken-reined C.
+Senseless C.       Translated C.         Defective C.
+Foundered C.       Forlorn C.            Crestfallen C.
+Distempered C.     Unsavoury C.          Felled C.
+Bewrayed C.        Worm-eaten C.         Fleeted C.
+Inveigled C.       Overtoiled C.         Cloyed C.
+Dangling C.        Miserable C.          Squeezed C.
+Stupid C.          Steeped C.            Resty C.
+Seedless C.        Kneaded-with-cold-    Pounded C.
+Soaked C.            water C.            Loose C.
+Coldish C.         Hacked C.             Fruitless C.
+Pickled C.         Flaggy C.             Riven C.
+Churned C.         Scrubby C.            Pursy C.
+Filliped C.        Drained C.            Fusty C.
+Singlefied C.      Haled C.              Jadish C.
+Begrimed C.        Lolling C.            Fistulous C.
+Wrinkled C.        Drenched C.           Languishing C.
+Fainted C.         Burst C.              Maleficiated C.
+Extenuated C.      Stirred up C.         Hectic C.
+Grim C.            Mitred C.             Worn out C.
+Wasted C.          Peddlingly furnished  Ill-favoured C.
+Inflamed C.          C.                  Duncified C.
+Unhinged C.        Rusty C.              Macerated C.
+Scurfy C.          Exhausted C.          Paralytic C.
+Straddling C.      Perplexed C.          Degraded C.
+Putrefied C.       Unhelved C.           Benumbed C.
+Maimed C.          Fizzled C.            Bat-like C.
+Overlechered C.    Leprous C.            Fart-shotten C.
+Druggely C.        Bruised C.            Sunburnt C.
+Mitified C.        Spadonic C.           Pacified C.
+Goat-ridden C.     Boughty C.            Blunted C.
+Weakened C.        Mealy C.              Rankling tasted C.
+Ass-ridden C.      Wrangling C.          Rooted out C.
+Puff-pasted C.     Gangrened C.          Costive C.
+St. Anthonified C. Crust-risen C.        Hailed on C.
+Untriped C.        Ragged C.             Cuffed C.
+Blasted C.         Quelled C.            Buffeted C.
+Cut off C.         Braggadocio C.        Whirreted C.
+Beveraged C.       Beggarly C.           Robbed C.
+Scarified C.       Trepanned C.          Neglected C.
+Dashed C.          Bedusked C.           Lame C.
+Slashed C.         Emasculated C.        Confused C.
+Enfeebled C.       Corked C.             Unsavoury C.
+Whore-hunting C.   Transparent C.        Overthrown C.
+Deteriorated C.    Vile C.               Boulted C.
+Chill C.           Antedated C.          Trod under C.
+Scrupulous C.      Chopped C.            Desolate C.
+Crazed C.          Pinked C.             Declining C.
+Tasteless C.       Cup-glassified C.     Stinking C.
+Sorrowful C.       Harsh C.              Crooked C.
+Murdered C.        Beaten C.             Brabbling C.
+Matachin-like C.   Barred C.             Rotten C.
+Besotted C.        Abandoned C.          Anxious C.
+Customerless C.    Confounded C.         Clouted C.
+Minced C.          Loutish C.            Tired C.
+Exulcerated C.     Borne down C.         Proud C.
+Patched C.         Sparred C.            Fractured C.
+Stupified C.       Abashed C.            Melancholy C.
+Annihilated C.     Unseasonable C.       Coxcombly C.
+Spent C.           Oppressed C.          Base C.
+Foiled C.          Grated C.             Bleaked C.
+Anguished C.       Falling away C.       Detested C.
+Disfigured C.      Smallcut C.           Diaphanous C.
+Disabled C.        Disordered C.         Unworthy C.
+Forceless C.       Latticed C.           Checked C.
+Censured C.        Ruined C.             Mangled C.
+Cut C.             Exasperated C.        Turned over C.
+Rifled C.          Rejected C.           Harried C.
+Undone C.          Belammed C.           Flawed C.
+Corrected C.       Fabricitant C.        Froward C.
+Slit C.            Perused C.            Ugly C.
+Skittish C.        Emasculated C.        Drawn C.
+Spongy C.          Roughly handled C.    Riven C.
+Botched C.         Examined C.           Distasteful C.
+Dejected C.        Cracked C.            Hanging C.
+Jagged C.          Wayward C.            Broken C.
+Pining C.          Haggled C.            Limber C.
+Deformed C.        Gleaning C.           Effeminate C.
+Mischieved C.      Ill-favoured C.       Kindled C.
+Cobbled C.         Pulled C.             Evacuated C.
+Embased C.         Drooping C.           Grieved C.
+Ransacked C.       Faint C.              Carking C.
+Despised C.        Parched C.            Disorderly C.
+Mangy C.           Paltry C.             Empty C.
+Abased C.          Cankered C.           Disquieted C.
+Supine C.          Void C.               Besysted C.
+Mended C.          Vexed C.              Confounded C.
+Dismayed C.        Bestunk C.            Hooked C.
+Divorous C.        Winnowed C.           Unlucky C.
+Wearied C.         Decayed C.            Sterile C.
+Sad C.             Disastrous C.         Beshitten C.
+Cross C.           Unhandsome C.         Appeased C.
+Vain-glorious C.   Stummed C.            Caitiff C.
+Poor C.            Barren C.             Woeful C.
+Brown C.           Wretched C.           Unseemly C.
+Shrunken C.        Feeble C.             Heavy C.
+Abhorred C.        Cast down C.          Weak C.
+Troubled C.        Stopped C.            Prostrated C.
+Scornful C.        Kept under C.         Uncomely C.
+Dishonest C.       Stubborn C.           Naughty C.
+Reproved C.        Ground C.             Laid flat C.
+Cocketed C.        Retchless C.          Suffocated C.
+Filthy C.          Weather-beaten C.     Held down C.
+Shred C.           Flayed C.             Barked C.
+Chawned C.         Bald C.               Hairless C.
+Short-winded C.    Tossed C.             Flamping C.
+Branchless C.      Flapping C.           Hooded C.
+Chapped C.         Cleft C.              Wormy C.
+Failing C.         Meagre C.             Besysted (In his anxiety to swell
+his catalogue as much as possible, Sir Thomas Urquhart has set down this
+word twice.) C.
+Deficient C.       Dumpified C.          Faulty C.
+Lean C.            Suppressed C.         Bemealed C.
+Consumed C.        Hagged C.             Mortified C.
+Used C.            Jawped C.             Scurvy C.
+Puzzled C.         Havocked C.           Bescabbed C.
+Allayed C.         Astonished C.         Torn C.
+Spoiled C.         Dulled C.             Subdued C.
+Clagged C.         Slow C.               Sneaking C.
+Palsy-stricken C.  Plucked up C.         Bare C.
+Amazed C.          Constipated C.        Swart C.
+Bedunsed C.        Blown C.              Smutched C.
+Extirpated C.      Blockified C.         Raised up C.
+Banged C.          Pommelled C.          Chopped C.
+Stripped C.        All-to-bemauled C.    Flirted C.
+Hoary C.           Fallen away C.        Blained C.
+Blotted C.         Stale C.              Rensy C.
+Sunk in C.         Corrupted C.          Frowning C.
+Ghastly C.         Beflowered C.         Limping C.
+Unpointed C.       Amated C.             Ravelled C.
+Beblistered C.     Blackish C.           Rammish C.
+Wizened C.         Underlaid C.          Gaunt C.
+Beggar-plated C.   Loathing C.           Beskimmered C.
+Douf C.            Ill-filled C.         Scraggy C.
+Clarty C.          Bobbed C.             Lank C.
+Lumpish C.         Mated C.              Swashering C.
+Abject C.          Tawny C.              Moiling C.
+Side C.            Whealed C.            Swinking C.
+Choked up C.       Besmeared C.          Harried C.
+Backward C.        Hollow C.             Tugged C.
+Prolix C.          Pantless C.           Towed C.
+Spotted C.         Guizened C.           Misused C.
+Crumpled C.        Demiss C.             Adamitical C.
+Frumpled C.        Refractory C.
+
+Ballockatso to the devil, my dear friend Panurge, seeing it is so decreed
+by the gods, wouldst thou invert the course of the planets, and make them
+retrograde?  Wouldst thou disorder all the celestial spheres, blame the
+intelligences, blunt the spindles, joint the wherves, slander the spinning
+quills, reproach the bobbins, revile the clew-bottoms, and finally ravel
+and untwist all the threads of both the warp and the waft of the weird
+Sister-Parcae?  What a pox to thy bones dost thou mean, stony cod?  Thou
+wouldst if thou couldst, a great deal worse than the giants of old intended
+to have done.  Come hither, billicullion.  Whether wouldst thou be jealous
+without cause, or be a cuckold and know nothing of it?  Neither the one nor
+the other, quoth Panurge, would I choose to be.  But if I get an inkling of
+the matter, I will provide well enough, or there shall not be one stick of
+wood within five hundred leagues about me whereof to make a cudgel.  In
+good faith, Friar John, I speak now seriously unto thee, I think it will be
+my best not to marry.  Hearken to what the bells do tell me, now that we
+are nearer to them!  Do not marry, marry not, not, not, not, not; marry,
+marry not, not, not, not, not.  If thou marry, thou wilt miscarry, carry,
+carry; thou'lt repent it, resent it, sent it!  If thou marry, thou a
+cuckold, a cou-cou-cuckoo, cou-cou-cuckold thou shalt be.  By the worthy
+wrath of God, I begin to be angry.  This campanilian oracle fretteth me to
+the guts,--a March hare was never in such a chafe as I am.  O how I am
+vexed!  You monks and friars of the cowl-pated and hood-polled fraternity,
+have you no remedy nor salve against this malady of graffing horns in
+heads?  Hath nature so abandoned humankind, and of her help left us so
+destitute, that married men cannot know how to sail through the seas of
+this mortal life and be safe from the whirlpools, quicksands, rocks, and
+banks that lie alongst the coast of Cornwall.
+
+I will, said Friar John, show thee a way and teach thee an expedient by
+means whereof thy wife shall never make thee a cuckold without thy
+knowledge and thine own consent.  Do me the favour, I pray thee, quoth
+Panurge, my pretty, soft, downy cod; now tell it, billy, tell it, I beseech
+thee.  Take, quoth Friar John, Hans Carvel's ring upon thy finger, who was
+the King of Melinda's chief jeweller.  Besides that this Hans Carvel had
+the reputation of being very skilful and expert in the lapidary's
+profession, he was a studious, learned, and ingenious man, a scientific
+person, full of knowledge, a great philosopher, of a sound judgment, of a
+prime wit, good sense, clear spirited, an honest creature, courteous,
+charitable, a giver of alms, and of a jovial humour, a boon companion, and
+a merry blade, if ever there was any in the world.  He was somewhat
+gorbellied, had a little shake in his head, and was in effect unwieldy of
+his body.  In his old age he took to wife the Bailiff of Concordat's
+daughter, young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, brisk, neat, feat,
+smirk, smug, compt, quaint, gay, fine, tricksy, trim, decent, proper,
+graceful, handsome, beautiful, comely, and kind--a little too much--to her
+neighbours and acquaintance.
+
+Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of weeks, that
+Master Carvel became as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a very
+profound suspicion that his new-married gixy did keep a-buttock-stirring
+with others.  To prevent which inconveniency he did tell her many tragical
+stories of the total ruin of several kingdoms by adultery; did read unto
+her the legend of chaste wives; then made some lectures to her in the
+praise of the choice virtue of pudicity, and did present her with a book in
+commendation of conjugal fidelity; wherein the wickedness of all licentious
+women was odiously detested; and withal he gave her a chain enriched with
+pure oriental sapphires.  Notwithstanding all this, he found her always
+more and more inclined to the reception of her neighbour copes-mates, that
+day by day his jealousy increased.  In sequel whereof, one night as he was
+lying by her, whilst in his sleep the rambling fancies of the lecherous
+deportments of his wife did take up the cellules of his brain, he dreamt
+that he encountered with the devil, to whom he had discovered to the full
+the buzzing of his head and suspicion that his wife did tread her shoe
+awry.  The devil, he thought, in this perplexity did for his comfort give
+him a ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his middle finger, saying,
+Hans Carvel, I give thee this ring,--whilst thou carriest it upon that
+finger, thy wife shall never carnally be known by any other than thyself
+without thy special knowledge and consent.  Gramercy, quoth Hans Carvel, my
+lord devil, I renounce Mahomet if ever it shall come off my finger.  The
+devil vanished, as is his custom; and then Hans Carvel, full of joy
+awaking, found that his middle finger was as far as it could reach within
+the what-do-by-call-it of his wife.  I did forget to tell thee how his
+wife, as soon as she had felt the finger there, said, in recoiling her
+buttocks, Off, yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, ay, lord, that is not the thing
+which should be put up in that place.  With this Hans Carvel thought that
+some pilfering fellow was about to take the ring from him.  Is not this an
+infallible and sovereign antidote?  Therefore, if thou wilt believe me, in
+imitation of this example never fail to have continually the ring of thy
+wife's commodity upon thy finger.  When that was said, their discourse and
+their way ended.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXIX.
+
+How Pantagruel convocated together a theologian, physician, lawyer, and
+philosopher, for extricating Panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was.
+
+No sooner were they come into the royal palace, but they to the full made
+report unto Pantagruel of the success of their expedition, and showed him
+the response of Raminagrobis.  When Pantagruel had read it over and over
+again, the oftener he perused it being the better pleased therewith, he
+said, in addressing his speech to Panurge, I have not as yet seen any
+answer framed to your demand which affordeth me more contentment.  For in
+this his succinct copy of verses, he summarily and briefly, yet fully
+enough expresseth how he would have us to understand that everyone in the
+project and enterprise of marriage ought to be his own carver, sole
+arbitrator of his proper thoughts, and from himself alone take counsel in
+the main and peremptory closure of what his determination should be, in
+either his assent to or dissent from it.  Such always hath been my opinion
+to you, and when at first you spoke thereof to me I truly told you this
+same very thing; but tacitly you scorned my advice, and would not harbour
+it within your mind.  I know for certain, and therefore may I with the
+greater confidence utter my conception of it, that philauty, or self-love,
+is that which blinds your judgment and deceiveth you.
+
+Let us do otherwise, and that is this:  Whatever we are, or have,
+consisteth in three things--the soul, the body, and the goods.  Now, for
+the preservation of these three, there are three sorts of learned men
+ordained, each respectively to have care of that one which is recommended
+to his charge.  Theologues are appointed for the soul, physicians for the
+welfare of the body, and lawyers for the safety of our goods.  Hence it is
+that it is my resolution to have on Sunday next with me at dinner a divine,
+a physician, and a lawyer, that with those three assembled thus together we
+may in every point and particle confer at large of your perplexity.  By
+Saint Picot, answered Panurge, we never shall do any good that way, I see
+it already.  And you see yourself how the world is vilely abused, as when
+with a foxtail one claps another's breech to cajole him.  We give our souls
+to keep to the theologues, who for the greater part are heretics.  Our
+bodies we commit to the physicians, who never themselves take any physic.
+And then we entrust our goods to the lawyers, who never go to law against
+one another.  You speak like a courtier, quoth Pantagruel.  But the first
+point of your assertion is to be denied; for we daily see how good
+theologues make it their chief business, their whole and sole employment,
+by their deeds, their words, and writings, to extirpate errors and heresies
+out of the hearts of men, and in their stead profoundly plant the true and
+lively faith.  The second point you spoke of I commend; for, whereas the
+professors of the art of medicine give so good order to the prophylactic,
+or conservative part of their faculty, in what concerneth their proper
+healths, that they stand in no need of making use of the other branch,
+which is the curative or therapeutic, by medicaments.  As for the third, I
+grant it to be true, for learned advocates and counsellors at law are so
+much taken up with the affairs of others in their consultations, pleadings,
+and such-like patrocinations of those who are their clients, that they have
+no leisure to attend any controversies of their own.  Therefore, on the
+next ensuing Sunday, let the divine be our godly Father Hippothadee, the
+physician our honest Master Rondibilis, and our legist our friend
+Bridlegoose.  Nor will it be (to my thinking) amiss, that we enter into the
+Pythagoric field, and choose for an assistant to the three afore-named
+doctors our ancient faithful acquaintance, the philosopher Trouillogan;
+especially seeing a perfect philosopher, such as is Trouillogan, is able
+positively to resolve all whatsoever doubts you can propose.  Carpalin,
+have you a care to have them here all four on Sunday next at dinner,
+without fail.
+
+I believe, quoth Epistemon, that throughout the whole country, in all the
+corners thereof, you could not have pitched upon such other four.  Which I
+speak not so much in regard of the most excellent qualifications and
+accomplishments wherewith all of them are endowed for the respective
+discharge and management of each his own vocation and calling (wherein
+without all doubt or controversy they are the paragons of the land, and
+surpass all others), as for that Rondibilis is married now, who before was
+not,--Hippothadee was not before, nor is yet,--Bridlegoose was married
+once, but is not now,--and Trouillogan is married now, who wedded was to
+another wife before.  Sir, if it may stand with your good liking, I will
+ease Carpalin of some parcel of his labour, and invite Bridlegoose myself,
+with whom I of a long time have had a very intimate familiarity, and unto
+whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful youth who now studieth
+at Toulouse, under the most learned virtuous doctor Boissonet.  Do what you
+deem most expedient, quoth Pantagruel, and tell me if my recommendation can
+in anything be steadable for the promoval of the good of that youth, or
+otherwise serve for bettering of the dignity and office of the worthy
+Boissonet, whom I do so love and respect for one of the ablest and most
+sufficient in his way that anywhere are extant.  Sir, I will use therein my
+best endeavours, and heartily bestir myself about it.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXX.
+
+How the theologue, Hippothadee, giveth counsel to Panurge in the matter and
+business of his nuptial enterprise.
+
+The dinner on the subsequent Sunday was no sooner made ready than that the
+afore-named invited guests gave thereto their appearance, all of them,
+Bridlegoose only excepted, who was the deputy-governor of Fonsbeton.  At
+the ushering in of the second service Panurge, making a low reverence,
+spake thus:  Gentlemen, the question I am to propound unto you shall be
+uttered in very few words--Should I marry or no?  If my doubt herein be not
+resolved by you, I shall hold it altogether insolvable, as are the
+Insolubilia de Aliaco; for all of you are elected, chosen, and culled out
+from amongst others, everyone in his own condition and quality, like so
+many picked peas on a carpet.
+
+The Father Hippothadee, in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel, and with
+much courtesy to the company, answered exceeding modestly after this
+manner:  My friend, you are pleased to ask counsel of us; but first you
+must consult with yourself.  Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your
+body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the flesh?  That I do,
+quoth Panurge, in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure.  Be not
+offended, I beseech you, good father, at the freedom of my expression.  No
+truly, friend, not I, quoth Hippothadee, there is no reason why I should be
+displeased therewith.  But in this carnal strife and debate of yours have
+you obtained from God the gift and special grace of continency?  In good
+faith, not, quoth Panurge.  My counsel to you in that case, my friend, is
+that you marry, quoth Hippothadee; for you should rather choose to marry
+once than to burn still in fires of concupiscence.  Then Panurge, with a
+jovial heart and a loud voice, cried out, That is spoke gallantly, without
+circumbilivaginating about and about, and never hitting it in its centred
+point.  Gramercy, my good father!  In truth I am resolved now to marry, and
+without fail I shall do it quickly.  I invite you to my wedding.  By the
+body of a hen, we shall make good cheer, and be as merry as crickets.  You
+shall wear the bridegroom's colours, and, if we eat a goose, my wife shall
+not roast it for me.  I will entreat you to lead up the first dance of the
+bridesmaids, if it may please you to do me so much favour and honour.
+There resteth yet a small difficulty, a little scruple, yea, even less than
+nothing, whereof I humbly crave your resolution.  Shall I be a cuckold,
+father, yea or no?  By no means, answered Hippothadee, will you be
+cuckolded, if it please God.  O the Lord help us now, quoth Panurge;
+whither are we driven to, good folks?  To the conditionals, which,
+according to the rules and precepts of the dialectic faculty, admit of all
+contradictions and impossibilities.  If my Transalpine mule had wings, my
+Transalpine mule would fly, if it please God, I shall not be a cuckold; but
+I shall be a cuckold, if it please him.  Good God, if this were a condition
+which I knew how to prevent, my hopes should be as high as ever, nor would
+I despair.  But you here send me to God's privy council, to the closet of
+his little pleasures.  You, my French countrymen, which is the way you take
+to go thither?
+
+My honest father, I believe it will be your best not to come to my wedding.
+The clutter and dingle-dangle noise of marriage guests will but disturb
+you, and break the serious fancies of your brain.  You love repose, with
+solitude and silence; I really believe you will not come.  And then you
+dance but indifferently, and would be out of countenance at the first
+entry.  I will send you some good things to your chamber, together with the
+bride's favour, and there you may drink our health, if it may stand with
+your good liking.  My friend, quoth Hippothadee, take my words in the sense
+wherein I meant them, and do not misinterpret me.  When I tell you,--If it
+please God,--do I to you any wrong therein?  Is it an ill expression?  Is
+it a blaspheming clause or reserve any way scandalous unto the world?  Do
+not we thereby honour the Lord God Almighty, Creator, Protector, and
+Conserver of all things?  Is not that a mean whereby we do acknowledge him
+to be the sole giver of all whatsoever is good?  Do not we in that manifest
+our faith that we believe all things to depend upon his infinite and
+incomprehensible bounty, and that without him nothing can be produced, nor
+after its production be of any value, force, or power, without the
+concurring aid and favour of his assisting grace?  Is it not a canonical
+and authentic exception, worthy to be premised to all our undertakings?  Is
+it not expedient that what we propose unto ourselves be still referred to
+what shall be disposed of by the sacred will of God, unto which all things
+must acquiesce in the heavens as well as on the earth?  Is not that verily
+a sanctifying of his holy name?  My friend, you shall not be a cuckold, if
+it please God, nor shall we need to despair of the knowledge of his good
+will and pleasure herein, as if it were such an abstruse and mysteriously
+hidden secret that for the clear understanding thereof it were necessary to
+consult with those of his celestial privy council, or expressly make a
+voyage unto the empyrean chamber where order is given for the effectuating
+of his most holy pleasures.  The great God hath done us this good, that he
+hath declared and revealed them to us openly and plainly, and described
+them in the Holy Bible.  There will you find that you shall never be a
+cuckold, that is to say, your wife shall never be a strumpet, if you make
+choice of one of a commendable extraction, descended of honest parents, and
+instructed in all piety and virtue--such a one as hath not at any time
+haunted or frequented the company or conversation of those that are of
+corrupt and depraved manners, one loving and fearing God, who taketh a
+singular delight in drawing near to him by faith and the cordial observing
+of his sacred commandments--and finally, one who, standing in awe of the
+Divine Majesty of the Most High, will be loth to offend him and lose the
+favourable kindness of his grace through any defect of faith or
+transgression against the ordinances of his holy law, wherein adultery is
+most rigorously forbidden and a close adherence to her husband alone most
+strictly and severely enjoined; yea, in such sort that she is to cherish,
+serve, and love him above anything, next to God, that meriteth to be
+beloved.  In the interim, for the better schooling of her in these
+instructions, and that the wholesome doctrine of a matrimonial duty may
+take the deeper root in her mind, you must needs carry yourself so on your
+part, and your behaviour is to be such, that you are to go before her in a
+good example, by entertaining her unfeignedly with a conjugal amity, by
+continually approving yourself in all your words and actions a faithful and
+discreet husband; and by living, not only at home and privately with your
+own household and family, but in the face also of all men and open view of
+the world, devoutly, virtuously, and chastely, as you would have her on her
+side to deport and to demean herself towards you, as becomes a godly,
+loyal, and respectful wife, who maketh conscience to keep inviolable the
+tie of a matrimonial oath.  For as that looking-glass is not the best which
+is most decked with gold and precious stones, but that which representeth
+to the eye the liveliest shapes of objects set before it, even so that wife
+should not be most esteemed who richest is and of the noblest race, but she
+who, fearing God, conforms herself nearest unto the humour of her husband.
+
+Consider how the moon doth not borrow her light from Jupiter, Mars,
+Mercury, or any other of the planets, nor yet from any of those splendid
+stars which are set in the spangled firmament, but from her husband only,
+the bright sun, which she receiveth from him more or less, according to the
+manner of his aspect and variously bestowed eradiations.  Just so should
+you be a pattern to your wife in virtue, goodly zeal, and true devotion,
+that by your radiance in darting on her the aspect of an exemplary
+goodness, she, in your imitation, may outshine the luminaries of all other
+women.  To this effect you daily must implore God's grace to the protection
+of you both.  You would have me then, quoth Panurge, twisting the whiskers
+of his beard on either side with the thumb and forefinger of his left hand,
+to espouse and take to wife the prudent frugal woman described by Solomon.
+Without all doubt she is dead, and truly to my best remembrance I never saw
+her; the Lord forgive me!  Nevertheless, I thank you, father.  Eat this
+slice of marchpane, it will help your digestion; then shall you be
+presented with a cup of claret hippocras, which is right healthful and
+stomachal.  Let us proceed.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXXI.
+
+How the physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge.
+
+Panurge, continuing his discourse, said, The first word which was spoken by
+him who gelded the lubberly, quaffing monks of Saussiniac, after that he
+had unstoned Friar Cauldaureil, was this, To the rest.  In like manner, I
+say, To the rest.  Therefore I beseech you, my good Master Rondibilis,
+should I marry or not?  By the raking pace of my mule, quoth Rondibilis, I
+know not what answer to make to this problem of yours.
+
+You say that you feel in you the pricking stings of sensuality, by which
+you are stirred up to venery.  I find in our faculty of medicine, and we
+have founded our opinion therein upon the deliberate resolution and final
+decision of the ancient Platonics, that carnal concupiscence is cooled and
+quelled five several ways.
+
+First, By the means of wine.  I shall easily believe that, quoth Friar
+John, for when I am well whittled with the juice of the grape I care for
+nothing else, so I may sleep.  When I say, quoth Rondibilis, that wine
+abateth lust, my meaning is, wine immoderately taken; for by intemperancy
+proceeding from the excessive drinking of strong liquor there is brought
+upon the body of such a swill-down boozer a chillness in the blood, a
+slackening in the sinews, a dissipation of the generative seed, a numbness
+and hebetation of the senses, with a perversive wryness and convulsion of
+the muscles--all which are great lets and impediments to the act of
+generation.  Hence it is that Bacchus, the god of bibbers, tipplers, and
+drunkards, is most commonly painted beardless and clad in a woman's habit,
+as a person altogether effeminate, or like a libbed eunuch.  Wine,
+nevertheless, taken moderately, worketh quite contrary effects, as is
+implied by the old proverb, which saith that Venus takes cold when not
+accompanied with Ceres and Bacchus.  This opinion is of great antiquity, as
+appeareth by the testimony of Diodorus the Sicilian, and confirmed by
+Pausanias, and universally held amongst the Lampsacians, that Don Priapus
+was the son of Bacchus and Venus.
+
+Secondly, The fervency of lust is abated by certain drugs, plants, herbs,
+and roots, which make the taker cold, maleficiated, unfit for, and unable
+to perform the act of generation; as hath been often experimented in the
+water-lily, heraclea, agnus castus, willow-twigs, hemp-stalks, woodbine,
+honeysuckle, tamarisk, chaste tree, mandrake, bennet, keckbugloss, the skin
+of a hippopotam, and many other such, which, by convenient doses
+proportioned to the peccant humour and constitution of the patient, being
+duly and seasonably received within the body--what by their elementary
+virtues on the one side and peculiar properties on the other--do either
+benumb, mortify, and beclumpse with cold the prolific semence, or scatter
+and disperse the spirits which ought to have gone along with and conducted
+the sperm to the places destined and appointed for its reception, or
+lastly, shut up, stop, and obstruct the ways, passages, and conduits
+through which the seed should have been expelled, evacuated, and ejected.
+We have nevertheless of those ingredients which, being of a contrary
+operation, heat the blood, bend the nerves, unite the spirits, quicken the
+senses, strengthen the muscles, and thereby rouse up, provoke, excite, and
+enable a man to the vigorous accomplishment of the feat of amorous
+dalliance.  I have no need of those, quoth Panurge, God be thanked, and
+you, my good master.  Howsoever, I pray you, take no exception or offence
+at these my words; for what I have said was not out of any illwill I did
+bear to you, the Lord he knows.
+
+Thirdly, The ardour of lechery is very much subdued and mated by frequent
+labour and continual toiling.  For by painful exercises and laborious
+working so great a dissolution is brought upon the whole body, that the
+blood, which runneth alongst the channels of the veins thereof for the
+nourishment and alimentation of each of its members, hath neither time,
+leisure, nor power to afford the seminal resudation, or superfluity of the
+third concoction, which nature most carefully reserves for the conservation
+of the individual, whose preservation she more heedfully regardeth than the
+propagating of the species and the multiplication of humankind.  Whence it
+is that Diana is said to be chaste, because she is never idle, but always
+busied about her hunting.  For the same reason was a camp or leaguer of old
+called castrum, as if they would have said castum; because the soldiers,
+wrestlers, runners, throwers of the bar, and other such-like athletic
+champions as are usually seen in a military circumvallation, do incessantly
+travail and turmoil, and are in a perpetual stir and agitation.  To this
+purpose Hippocrates also writeth in his book, De Aere, Aqua et Locis, that
+in his time there were people in Scythia as impotent as eunuchs in the
+discharge of a venerean exploit, because that without any cessation, pause,
+or respite they were never from off horseback, or otherwise assiduously
+employed in some troublesome and molesting drudgery.
+
+On the other part, in opposition and repugnancy hereto, the philosophers
+say that idleness is the mother of luxury.  When it was asked Ovid, Why
+Aegisthus became an adulterer? he made no other answer but this, Because he
+was idle.  Who were able to rid the world of loitering and laziness might
+easily frustrate and disappoint Cupid of all his designs, aims, engines,
+and devices, and so disable and appal him that his bow, quiver, and darts
+should from thenceforth be a mere needless load and burden to him, for that
+it could not then lie in his power to strike or wound any of either sex
+with all the arms he had.  He is not, I believe, so expert an archer as
+that he can hit the cranes flying in the air, or yet the young stags
+skipping through the thickets, as the Parthians knew well how to do; that
+is to say, people moiling, stirring and hurrying up and down, restless, and
+without repose.  He must have those hushed, still, quiet, lying at a stay,
+lither, and full of ease, whom he is able, though his mother help him, to
+touch, much less to pierce with all his arrows.  In confirmation hereof,
+Theophrastus, being asked on a time what kind of beast or thing he judged a
+toyish, wanton love to be? he made answer, that it was a passion of idle
+and sluggish spirits.  From which pretty description of tickling
+love-tricks that of Diogenes's hatching was not very discrepant, when he
+defined lechery the occupation of folks destitute of all other occupation.
+For this cause the Syconian engraver Canachus, being desirous to give us to
+understand that sloth, drowsiness, negligence, and laziness were the prime
+guardians and governesses of ribaldry, made the statue of Venus, not
+standing, as other stone-cutters had used to do, but sitting.
+
+Fourthly, The tickling pricks of incontinency are blunted by an eager
+study; for from thence proceedeth an incredible resolution of the spirits,
+that oftentimes there do not remain so many behind as may suffice to push
+and thrust forwards the generative resudation to the places thereto
+appropriated, and therewithal inflate the cavernous nerve whose office is
+to ejaculate the moisture for the propagation of human progeny.  Lest you
+should think it is not so, be pleased but to contemplate a little the form,
+fashion, and carriage of a man exceeding earnestly set upon some learned
+meditation, and deeply plunged therein, and you shall see how all the
+arteries of his brains are stretched forth and bent like the string of a
+crossbow, the more promptly, dexterously, and copiously to suppeditate,
+furnish, and supply him with store of spirits sufficient to replenish and
+fill up the ventricles, seats, tunnels, mansions, receptacles, and cellules
+of the common sense,--of the imagination, apprehension, and fancy,--of the
+ratiocination, arguing, and resolution,--as likewise of the memory,
+recordation, and remembrance; and with great alacrity, nimbleness, and
+agility to run, pass, and course from the one to the other, through those
+pipes, windings, and conduits which to skilful anatomists are perceivable
+at the end of the wonderful net where all the arteries close in a
+terminating point; which arteries, taking their rise and origin from the
+left capsule of the heart, bring through several circuits, ambages, and
+anfractuosities, the vital, to subtilize and refine them to the ethereal
+purity of animal spirits.  Nay, in such a studiously musing person you may
+espy so extravagant raptures of one as it were out of himself, that all his
+natural faculties for that time will seem to be suspended from each their
+proper charge and office, and his exterior senses to be at a stand.  In a
+word, you cannot otherwise choose than think that he is by an extraordinary
+ecstasy quite transported out of what he was, or should be; and that
+Socrates did not speak improperly when he said that philosophy was nothing
+else but a meditation upon death.  This possibly is the reason why
+Democritus deprived himself of the sense of seeing, prizing at a much lower
+rate the loss of his sight than the diminution of his contemplations, which
+he frequently had found disturbed by the vagrant, flying-out strayings of
+his unsettled and roving eyes.  Therefore is it that Pallas, the goddess of
+wisdom, tutoress and guardianess of such as are diligently studious and
+painfully industrious, is, and hath been still accounted a virgin.  The
+Muses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual maids; and the
+Graces, for the like reason, have been held to continue in a sempiternal
+pudicity.
+
+I remember to have read that Cupid, on a time being asked of his mother
+Venus why he did not assault and set upon the Muses, his answer was that he
+found them so fair, so sweet, so fine, so neat, so wise, so learned, so
+modest, so discreet, so courteous, so virtuous, and so continually busied
+and employed,--one in the speculation of the stars,--another in the
+supputation of numbers,--the third in the dimension of geometrical
+quantities,--the fourth in the composition of heroic poems,--the fifth in
+the jovial interludes of a comic strain,--the sixth in the stately gravity
+of a tragic vein,--the seventh in the melodious disposition of musical
+airs,--the eighth in the completest manner of writing histories and books
+on all sorts of subjects,--and the ninth in the mysteries, secrets, and
+curiosities of all sciences, faculties, disciplines, and arts whatsoever,
+whether liberal or mechanic,--that approaching near unto them he unbended
+his bow, shut his quiver, and extinguished his torch, through mere shame
+and fear that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice.  Which
+done, he thereafter put off the fillet wherewith his eyes were bound to
+look them in the face, and to hear their melody and poetic odes.  There
+took he the greatest pleasure in the world, that many times he was
+transported with their beauty and pretty behaviour, and charmed asleep by
+the harmony; so far was he from assaulting them or interrupting their
+studies.  Under this article may be comprised what Hippocrates wrote in the
+afore-cited treatise concerning the Scythians; as also that in a book of
+his entitled Of Breeding and Production, where he hath affirmed all such
+men to be unfit for generation as have their parotid arteries cut--whose
+situation is beside the ears--for the reason given already when I was
+speaking of the resolution of the spirits and of that spiritual blood
+whereof the arteries are the sole and proper receptacles, and that likewise
+he doth maintain a large portion of the parastatic liquor to issue and
+descend from the brains and backbone.
+
+Fifthly, By the too frequent reiteration of the act of venery.  There did I
+wait for you, quoth Panurge, and shall willingly apply it to myself, whilst
+anyone that pleaseth may, for me, make use of any of the four preceding.
+That is the very same thing, quoth Friar John, which Father Scyllino, Prior
+of Saint Victor at Marseilles, calleth by the name of maceration and taming
+of the flesh.  I am of the same opinion,--and so was the hermit of Saint
+Radegonde, a little above Chinon; for, quoth he, the hermits of Thebaide
+can no more aptly or expediently macerate and bring down the pride of their
+bodies, daunt and mortify their lecherous sensuality, or depress and
+overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the flesh, than by duffling and
+fanfreluching it five-and-twenty or thirty times a day.  I see Panurge,
+quoth Rondibilis, neatly featured and proportioned in all the members of
+his body, of a good temperament in his humours, well-complexioned in his
+spirits, of a competent age, in an opportune time, and of a reasonably
+forward mind to be married.  Truly, if he encounter with a wife of the like
+nature, temperament, and constitution, he may beget upon her children
+worthy of some transpontine monarchy; and the sooner he marry it will be
+the better for him, and the more conducible for his profit if he would see
+and have his children in his own time well provided for.  Sir, my worthy
+master, quoth Panurge, I will do it, do not you doubt thereof, and that
+quickly enough, I warrant you.  Nevertheless, whilst you were busied in the
+uttering of your learned discourse, this flea which I have in mine ear hath
+tickled me more than ever.  I retain you in the number of my festival
+guests, and promise you that we shall not want for mirth and good cheer
+enough, yea, over and above the ordinary rate.  And, if it may please you,
+desire your wife to come along with you, together with her she-friends and
+neighbours--that is to be understood--and there shall be fair play.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXXII.
+
+How Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one of the appendances
+of marriage.
+
+There remaineth as yet, quoth Panurge, going on in his discourse, one small
+scruple to be cleared.  You have seen heretofore, I doubt not, in the Roman
+standards, S.P.Q.R., Si, Peu, Que, Rien.  Shall not I be a cuckold?  By the
+haven of safety, cried out Rondibilis, what is this you ask of me?  If you
+shall be a cuckold?  My noble friend, I am married, and you are like to be
+so very speedily; therefore be pleased, from my experiment in the matter,
+to write in your brain with a steel pen this subsequent ditton, There is no
+married man who doth not run the hazard of being made a cuckold.  Cuckoldry
+naturally attendeth marriage.  The shadow doth not more naturally follow
+the body, than cuckoldry ensueth after marriage to place fair horns upon
+the husbands' heads.
+
+And when you shall happen to hear any man pronounce these three words, He
+is married; if you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or may be a
+cuckold, you will not be accounted an unskilful artist in framing of true
+consequences.  Tripes and bowels of all the devils, cries Panurge, what do
+you tell me?  My dear friend, answered Rondibilis, as Hippocrates on a time
+was in the very nick of setting forwards from Lango to Polystilo to visit
+the philosopher Democritus, he wrote a familiar letter to his friend
+Dionysius, wherein he desired him that he would, during the interval of his
+absence, carry his wife to the house of her father and mother, who were an
+honourable couple and of good repute; because I would not have her at my
+home, said he, to make abode in solitude.  Yet, notwithstanding this her
+residence beside her parents, do not fail, quoth he, with a most heedful
+care and circumspection to pry into her ways, and to espy what places she
+shall go to with her mother, and who those be that shall repair unto her.
+Not, quoth he, that I do mistrust her virtue, or that I seem to have any
+diffidence of her pudicity and chaste behaviour,--for of that I have
+frequently had good and real proofs,--but I must freely tell you, She is a
+woman.  There lies the suspicion.
+
+My worthy friend, the nature of women is set forth before our eyes and
+represented to us by the moon, in divers other things as well as in this,
+that they squat, skulk, constrain their own inclinations, and, with all the
+cunning they can, dissemble and play the hypocrite in the sight and
+presence of their husbands; who come no sooner to be out of the way, but
+that forthwith they take their advantage, pass the time merrily, desist
+from all labour, frolic it, gad abroad, lay aside their counterfeit garb,
+and openly declare and manifest the interior of their dispositions, even as
+the moon, when she is in conjunction with the sun, is neither seen in the
+heavens nor on the earth, but in her opposition, when remotest from him,
+shineth in her greatest fulness, and wholly appeareth in her brightest
+splendour whilst it is night.  Thus women are but women.
+
+When I say womankind, I speak of a sex so frail, so variable, so
+changeable, so fickle, inconstant, and imperfect, that in my opinion
+Nature, under favour, nevertheless, of the prime honour and reverence which
+is due unto her, did in a manner mistake the road which she had traced
+formerly, and stray exceedingly from that excellence of providential
+judgment by the which she had created and formed all other things, when she
+built, framed, and made up the woman.  And having thought upon it a hundred
+and five times, I know not what else to determine therein, save only that
+in the devising, hammering, forging, and composing of the woman she hath
+had a much tenderer regard, and by a great deal more respectful heed to the
+delightful consortship and sociable delectation of the man, than to the
+perfection and accomplishment of the individual womanishness or muliebrity.
+The divine philosopher Plato was doubtful in what rank of living creatures
+to place and collocate them, whether amongst the rational animals, by
+elevating them to an upper seat in the specifical classis of humanity, or
+with the irrational, by degrading them to a lower bench on the opposite
+side, of a brutal kind, and mere bestiality.  For nature hath posited in a
+privy, secret, and intestine place of their bodies, a sort of member, by
+some not impertinently termed an animal, which is not to be found in men.
+Therein sometimes are engendered certain humours so saltish, brackish,
+clammy, sharp, nipping, tearing, prickling, and most eagerly tickling, that
+by their stinging acrimony, rending nitrosity, figging itch, wriggling
+mordicancy, and smarting salsitude (for the said member is altogether
+sinewy and of a most quick and lively feeling), their whole body is shaken
+and ebrangled, their senses totally ravished and transported, the
+operations of their judgment and understanding utterly confounded, and all
+disordinate passions and perturbations of the mind thoroughly and
+absolutely allowed, admitted, and approved of; yea, in such sort that if
+nature had not been so favourable unto them as to have sprinkled their
+forehead with a little tincture of bashfulness and modesty, you should see
+them in a so frantic mood run mad after lechery, and hie apace up and down
+with haste and lust, in quest of and to fix some chamber-standard in their
+Paphian ground, that never did the Proetides, Mimallonides, nor Lyaean
+Thyades deport themselves in the time of their bacchanalian festivals more
+shamelessly, or with a so affronted and brazen-faced impudency; because
+this terrible animal is knit unto, and hath an union with all the chief and
+most principal parts of the body, as to anatomists is evident.  Let it not
+here be thought strange that I should call it an animal, seeing therein I
+do no otherwise than follow and adhere to the doctrine of the academic and
+peripatetic philosophers.  For if a proper motion be a certain mark and
+infallible token of the life and animation of the mover, as Aristotle
+writeth, and that any such thing as moveth of itself ought to be held
+animated and of a living nature, then assuredly Plato with very good reason
+did give it the denomination of an animal, for that he perceived and
+observed in it the proper and self-stirring motions of suffocation,
+precipitation, corrugation, and of indignation so extremely violent, that
+oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the woman all other sense and
+moving whatsoever, as if she were in a swounding lipothymy, benumbing
+syncope, epileptic, apoplectic palsy, and true resemblance of a pale-faced
+death.
+
+Furthermore, in the said member there is a manifest discerning faculty of
+scents and odours very perceptible to women, who feel it fly from what is
+rank and unsavoury, and follow fragrant and aromatic smells.  It is not
+unknown to me how Cl. Galen striveth with might and main to prove that
+these are not proper and particular notions proceeding intrinsically from
+the thing itself, but accidentally and by chance.  Nor hath it escaped my
+notice how others of that sect have laboured hardly, yea, to the utmost of
+their abilities, to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or
+perception in it of the difference of wafts and smells, but merely a
+various manner of virtue and efficacy passing forth and flowing from the
+diversity of odoriferous substances applied near unto it.  Nevertheless, if
+you will studiously examine and seriously ponder and weigh in Critolaus's
+balance the strength of their reasons and arguments, you shall find that
+they, not only in this, but in several other matters also of the like
+nature, have spoken at random, and rather out of an ambitious envy to check
+and reprehend their betters than for any design to make inquiry into the
+solid truth.
+
+I will not launch my little skiff any further into the wide ocean of this
+dispute, only will I tell you that the praise and commendation is not mean
+and slender which is due to those honest and good women who, living
+chastely and without blame, have had the power and virtue to curb, range,
+and subdue that unbridled, heady, and wild animal to an obedient,
+submissive, and obsequious yielding unto reason.  Therefore here will I
+make an end of my discourse thereon, when I shall have told you that the
+said animal being once satiated--if it be possible that it can be contented
+or satisfied--by that aliment which nature hath provided for it out of the
+epididymal storehouse of man, all its former and irregular and disordered
+motions are at an end, laid, and assuaged, all its vehement and unruly
+longings lulled, pacified, and quieted, and all the furious and raging
+lusts, appetites, and desires thereof appeased, calmed, and extinguished.
+For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you if we be in a perpetual
+danger of being cuckolds, that is to say, such of us as have not
+wherewithal fully to satisfy the appetite and expectation of that voracious
+animal.  Odds fish! quoth Panurge, have you no preventive cure in all your
+medicinal art for hindering one's head to be horny-graffed at home whilst
+his feet are plodding abroad?  Yes, that I have, my gallant friend,
+answered Rondibilis, and that which is a sovereign remedy, whereof I
+frequently make use myself; and, that you may the better relish, it is set
+down and written in the book of a most famous author, whose renown is of a
+standing of two thousand years.  Hearken and take good heed.  You are,
+quoth Panurge, by cockshobby, a right honest man, and I love you with all
+my heart.  Eat a little of this quince-pie; it is very proper and
+convenient for the shutting up of the orifice of the ventricle of the
+stomach, because of a kind of astringent stypticity which is in that sort
+of fruit, and is helpful to the first concoction.  But what? I think I
+speak Latin before clerks.  Stay till I give you somewhat to drink out of
+this Nestorian goblet.  Will you have another draught of white hippocras?
+Be not afraid of the squinzy, no.  There is neither squinant, ginger, nor
+grains in it; only a little choice cinnamon, and some of the best refined
+sugar, with the delicious white wine of the growth of that vine which was
+set in the slips of the great sorbapple above the walnut-tree.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXXIII.
+
+Rondibilis the physician's cure of cuckoldry.
+
+At that time, quoth Rondibilis, when Jupiter took a view of the state of
+his Olympic house and family, and that he had made the calendar of all the
+gods and goddesses, appointing unto the festival of every one of them its
+proper day and season, establishing certain fixed places and stations for
+the pronouncing of oracles and relief of travelling pilgrims, and ordaining
+victims, immolations, and sacrifices suitable and correspondent to the
+dignity and nature of the worshipped and adored deity--Did not he do, asked
+Panurge, therein as Tintouille, the Bishop of Auxerre, is said once to have
+done?  This noble prelate loved entirely the pure liquor of the grape, as
+every honest and judicious man doth; therefore was it that he had an
+especial care and regard to the bud of the vine-tree as to the
+great-grandfather of Bacchus.  But so it is, that for sundry years together
+he saw a most pitiful havoc, desolation, and destruction made amongst the
+sprouts, shootings, buds, blossoms, and scions of the vines by hoary frost,
+dank fogs, hot mists, unseasonable colds, chill blasts, thick hail, and
+other calamitous chances of foul weather, happening, as he thought, by the
+dismal inauspiciousness of the holy days of St. George, St. Mary, St. Paul,
+St. Eutrope, Holy Rood, the Ascension, and other festivals, in that time
+when the sun passeth under the sign of Taurus; and thereupon harboured in
+his mind this opinion, that the afore-named saints were Saint
+Hail-flingers, Saint Frost-senders, Saint Fog-mongers, and Saint Spoilers of
+the Vine-buds.  For which cause he went about to have transmitted their
+feasts from the spring to the winter, to be celebrated between Christmas and
+Epiphany, so the mother of the three kings called it, allowing them with all
+honour and reverence the liberty then to freeze, hail, and rain as much as
+they would; for that he knew that at such a time frost was rather profitable
+than hurtful to the vine-buds, and in their steads to have placed the
+festivals of St. Christopher, St. John the Baptist, St. Magdalene, St. Anne,
+St. Domingo, and St. Lawrence; yea, and to have gone so far as to collocate
+and transpose the middle of August in and to the beginning of May, because
+during the whole space of their solemnity there was so little danger of
+hoary frosts and cold mists, that no artificers are then held in greater
+request than the afforders of refrigerating inventions, makers of junkets,
+fit disposers of cooling shades, composers of green arbours, and refreshers
+of wine.
+
+Jupiter, said Rondibilis, forgot the poor devil Cuckoldry, who was then in
+the court at Paris very eagerly soliciting a peddling suit at law for one
+of his vassals and tenants.  Within some few days thereafter, I have forgot
+how many, when he got full notice of the trick which in his absence was
+done unto him, he instantly desisted from prosecuting legal processes in
+the behalf of others, full of solicitude to pursue after his own business,
+lest he should be foreclosed, and thereupon he appeared personally at the
+tribunal of the great Jupiter, displayed before him the importance of his
+preceding merits, together with the acceptable services which in obedience
+to his commandments he had formerly performed; and therefore in all
+humility begged of him that he would be pleased not to leave him alone
+amongst all the sacred potentates, destitute and void of honour, reverence,
+sacrifices, and festival ceremonies.  To this petition Jupiter's answer was
+excusatory, that all the places and offices of his house were bestowed.
+Nevertheless, so importuned was he by the continual supplications of
+Monsieur Cuckoldry, that he, in fine, placed him in the rank, list, roll,
+rubric, and catalogue, and appointed honours, sacrifices, and festival
+rites to be observed on earth in great devotion, and tendered to him with
+solemnity.  The feast, because there was no void, empty, nor vacant place
+in all the calendar, was to be celebrated jointly with, and on the same day
+that had been consecrated to the goddess Jealousy.  His power and dominion
+should be over married folks, especially such as had handsome wives.  His
+sacrifices were to be suspicion, diffidence, mistrust, a lowering pouting
+sullenness, watchings, wardings, researchings, plyings, explorations,
+together with the waylayings, ambushes, narrow observations, and malicious
+doggings of the husband's scouts and espials of the most privy actions of
+their wives.  Herewithal every married man was expressly and rigorously
+commanded to reverence, honour, and worship him, to celebrate and solemnize
+his festival with twice more respect than that of any other saint or deity,
+and to immolate unto him with all sincerity and alacrity of heart the
+above-mentioned sacrifices and oblations, under pain of severe censures,
+threatenings, and comminations of these subsequent fines, mulcts,
+amerciaments, penalties, and punishments to be inflicted on the
+delinquents:  that Monsieur Cuckoldry should never be favourable nor
+propitious to them; that he should never help, aid, supply, succour, nor
+grant them any subventitious furtherance, auxiliary suffrage, or
+adminiculary assistance; that he should never hold them in any reckoning,
+account, or estimation; that he should never deign to enter within their
+houses, neither at the doors, windows, nor any other place thereof; that he
+should never haunt nor frequent their companies or conversations, how
+frequently soever they should invocate him and call upon his name; and that
+not only he should leave and abandon them to rot alone with their wives in
+a sempiternal solitariness, without the benefit of the diversion of any
+copes-mate or corrival at all, but should withal shun and eschew them, fly
+from them, and eternally forsake and reject them as impious heretics and
+sacrilegious persons, according to the accustomed manner of other gods
+towards such as are too slack in offering up the duties and reverences
+which ought to be performed respectively to their divinities--as is
+evidently apparent in Bacchus towards negligent vine-dressers; in Ceres,
+against idle ploughmen and tillers of the ground; in Pomona, to unworthy
+fruiterers and costard-mongers; in Neptune, towards dissolute mariners and
+seafaring men, in Vulcan, towards loitering smiths and forgemen; and so
+throughout the rest.  Now, on the contrary, this infallible promise was
+added, that unto all those who should make a holy day of the above-recited
+festival, and cease from all manner of worldly work and negotiation, lay
+aside all their own most important occasions, and to be so retchless,
+heedless, and careless of what might concern the management of their proper
+affairs as to mind nothing else but a suspicious espying and prying into
+the secret deportments of their wives, and how to coop, shut up, hold at
+under, and deal cruelly and austerely with them by all the harshness and
+hardships that an implacable and every way inexorable jealousy can devise
+and suggest, conform to the sacred ordinances of the afore-mentioned
+sacrifices and oblations, he should be continually favourable to them,
+should love them, sociably converse with them, should be day and night in
+their houses, and never leave them destitute of his presence.  Now I have
+said, and you have heard my cure.
+
+Ha, ha, ha! quoth Carpalin, laughing; this is a remedy yet more apt and
+proper than Hans Carvel's ring.  The devil take me if I do not believe it!
+The humour, inclination, and nature of women is like the thunder, whose
+force in its bolt or otherwise burneth, bruiseth, and breaketh only hard,
+massive, and resisting objects, without staying or stopping at soft, empty,
+and yielding matters.  For it pasheth into pieces the steel sword without
+doing any hurt to the velvet scabbard which ensheatheth it.  It chrusheth
+also and consumeth the bones without wounding or endamaging the flesh
+wherewith they are veiled and covered.  Just so it is that women for the
+greater part never bend the contention, subtlety, and contradictory
+disposition of their spirits unless it be to do what is prohibited and
+forbidden.
+
+Verily, quoth Hippothadee, some of our doctors aver for a truth that the
+first woman of the world, whom the Hebrews call Eve, had hardly been
+induced or allured into the temptation of eating of the fruit of the Tree
+of Life if it had not been forbidden her so to do.  And that you may give
+the more credit to the validity of this opinion, consider how the cautelous
+and wily tempter did commemorate unto her, for an antecedent to his
+enthymeme, the prohibition which was made to taste it, as being desirous to
+infer from thence, It is forbidden thee; therefore thou shouldst eat of it,
+else thou canst not be a woman.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXXIV.
+
+How women ordinarily have the greatest longing after things prohibited.
+
+When I was, quoth Carpalin, a whoremaster at Orleans, the whole art of
+rhetoric, in all its tropes and figures, was not able to afford unto me a
+colour or flourish of greater force and value, nor could I by any other
+form or manner of elocution pitch upon a more persuasive argument for
+bringing young beautiful married ladies into the snares of adultery,
+through alluring and enticing them to taste with me of amorous delights,
+than with a lively sprightfulness to tell them in downright terms, and to
+remonstrate to them with a great show of detestation of a crime so horrid,
+how their husbands were jealous.  This was none of my invention.  It is
+written, and we have laws, examples, reasons, and daily experiences
+confirmative of the same.  If this belief once enter into their noddles,
+their husbands will infallibly be cuckolds; yea, by God, will they, without
+swearing, although they should do like Semiramis, Pasiphae, Egesta, the
+women of the Isle Mandez in Egypt, and other such-like queanish flirting
+harlots mentioned in the writings of Herodotus, Strabo, and such-like
+puppies.
+
+Truly, quoth Ponocrates, I have heard it related, and it hath been told me
+for a verity, that Pope John XXII., passing on a day through the Abbey of
+Toucherome, was in all humility required and besought by the abbess and
+other discreet mothers of the said convent to grant them an indulgence by
+means whereof they might confess themselves to one another, alleging that
+religious women were subject to some petty secret slips and imperfections
+which would be a foul and burning shame for them to discover and to reveal
+to men, how sacerdotal soever their functions were; but that they would
+freelier, more familiarly, and with greater cheerfulness, open to each
+other their offences, faults, and escapes under the seal of confession.
+There is not anything, answered the pope, fitting for you to impetrate of
+me which I would not most willingly condescend unto; but I find one
+inconvenience.  You know confession should be kept secret, and women are
+not able to do so.  Exceeding well, quoth they, most holy father, and much
+more closely than the best of men.
+
+The said pope on the very same day gave them in keeping a pretty box,
+wherein he purposely caused a little linnet to be put, willing them very
+gently and courteously to lock it up in some sure and hidden place, and
+promising them, by the faith of a pope, that he should yield to their
+request if they would keep secret what was enclosed within that deposited
+box, enjoining them withal not to presume one way nor other, directly or
+indirectly, to go about the opening thereof, under pain of the highest
+ecclesiastical censure, eternal excommunication.  The prohibition was no
+sooner made but that they did all of them boil with a most ardent desire to
+know and see what kind of thing it was that was within it.  They thought
+long already that the pope was not gone, to the end they might jointly,
+with the more leisure and ease, apply themselves to the box-opening
+curiosity.
+
+The holy father, after he had given them his benediction, retired and
+withdrew himself to the pontifical lodgings of his own palace.  But he was
+hardly gone three steps from without the gates of their cloister when the
+good ladies throngingly, and as in a huddled crowd, pressing hard on the
+backs of one another, ran thrusting and shoving who should be first at the
+setting open of the forbidden box and descrying of the quod latitat within.
+
+On the very next day thereafter the pope made them another visit, of a full
+design, purpose, and intention, as they imagined, to despatch the grant of
+their sought and wished-for indulgence.  But before he would enter into any
+chat or communing with them, he commanded the casket to be brought unto
+him.  It was done so accordingly; but, by your leave, the bird was no more
+there.  Then was it that the pope did represent to their maternities how
+hard a matter and difficult it was for them to keep secrets revealed to
+them in confession unmanifested to the ears of others, seeing for the space
+of four-and-twenty hours they were not able to lay up in secret a box which
+he had highly recommended to their discretion, charge, and custody.
+
+Welcome, in good faith, my dear master, welcome!  It did me good to hear
+you talk, the Lord be praised for all!  I do not remember to have seen you
+before now, since the last time that you acted at Montpellier with our
+ancient friends, Anthony Saporra, Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar Noyer, Tolet,
+John Quentin, Francis Robinet, John Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais, the
+moral comedy of him who had espoused and married a dumb wife.  I was there,
+quoth Epistemon.  The good honest man her husband was very earnestly urgent
+to have the fillet of her tongue untied, and would needs have her speak by
+any means.  At his desire some pains were taken on her, and partly by the
+industry of the physician, other part by the expertness of the surgeon, the
+encyliglotte which she had under her tongue being cut, she spoke and spoke
+again; yea, within a few hours she spoke so loud, so much, so fiercely, and
+so long, that her poor husband returned to the same physician for a recipe
+to make her hold her peace.  There are, quoth the physician, many proper
+remedies in our art to make dumb women speak, but there are none that ever
+I could learn therein to make them silent.  The only cure which I have
+found out is their husband's deafness.  The wretch became within few weeks
+thereafter, by virtue of some drugs, charms, or enchantments which the
+physician had prescribed unto him, so deaf that he could not have heard the
+thundering of nineteen hundred cannons at a salvo.  His wife perceiving
+that indeed he was as deaf as a door-nail, and that her scolding was but in
+vain, sith that he heard her not, she grew stark mad.
+
+Some time after the doctor asked for his fee of the husband, who answered
+that truly he was deaf, and so was not able to understand what the tenour
+of his demand might be.  Whereupon the leech bedusted him with a little, I
+know not what, sort of powder, which rendered him a fool immediately, so
+great was the stultificating virtue of that strange kind of pulverized
+dose.  Then did this fool of a husband and his mad wife join together, and,
+falling on the doctor and the surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and bang
+them that they were left half dead upon the place, so furious were the
+blows which they received.  I never in my lifetime laughed so much as at
+the acting of that buffoonery.
+
+Let us come to where we left off, quoth Panurge.  Your words, being
+translated from the clapper-dudgeons to plain English, do signify that it
+is not very inexpedient that I marry, and that I should not care for being
+a cuckold.  You have there hit the nail on the head.  I believe, master
+doctor, that on the day of my marriage you will be so much taken up with
+your patients, or otherwise so seriously employed, that we shall not enjoy
+your company.  Sir, I will heartily excuse your absence.
+
+  Stercus et urina medici sunt prandia prima.
+  Ex aliis paleas, ex istis collige grana.
+
+You are mistaken, quoth Rondibilis, in the second verse of our distich, for
+it ought to run thus--
+
+  Nobis sunt signa, vobis sunt prandia digna.
+
+If my wife at any time prove to be unwell and ill at ease, I will look upon
+the water which she shall have made in an urinal glass, quoth Rondibilis,
+grope her pulse, and see the disposition of her hypogaster, together with
+her umbilicary parts--according to the prescript rule of Hippocrates, 2.
+Aph. 35--before I proceed any further in the cure of her distemper.  No,
+no, quoth Panurge, that will be but to little purpose.  Such a feat is for
+the practice of us that are lawyers, who have the rubric, De ventre
+inspiciendo.  Do not therefore trouble yourself about it, master doctor; I
+will provide for her a plaster of warm guts.  Do not neglect your more
+urgent occasions otherwhere for coming to my wedding.  I will send you some
+supply of victuals to your own house, without putting you to the trouble of
+coming abroad, and you shall always be my special friend.  With this,
+approaching somewhat nearer to him, he clapped into his hand, without the
+speaking of so much as one word, four rose nobles.  Rondibilis did shut his
+fist upon them right kindly; yet, as if it had displeased him to make
+acceptance of such golden presents, he in a start, as if he had been wroth,
+said, He he, he, he, he! there was no need of anything; I thank you
+nevertheless.  From wicked folks I never get enough, and I from honest
+people refuse nothing.  I shall be always, sir, at your command.  Provided
+that I pay you well, quoth Panurge.  That, quoth Rondibilis, is understood.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXXV.
+
+How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of marriage.
+
+As this discourse was ended, Pantagruel said to the philosopher
+Trouillogan, Our loyal, honest, true, and trusty friend, the lamp from hand
+to hand is come to you.  It falleth to your turn to give an answer:  Should
+Panurge, pray you, marry, yea or no?  He should do both, quoth Trouillogan.
+What say you? asked Panurge.  That which you have heard, answered
+Trouillogan.  What have I heard? replied Panurge.  That which I have said,
+replied Trouillogan.  Ha, ha, ha! are we come to that pass? quoth Panurge.
+Let it go nevertheless, I do not value it at a rush, seeing we can make no
+better of the game.  But howsoever tell me, Should I marry or no?  Neither
+the one nor the other, answered Trouillogan.  The devil take me, quoth
+Panurge, if these odd answers do not make me dote, and may he snatch me
+presently away if I do understand you.  Stay awhile until I fasten these
+spectacles of mine on this left ear, that I may hear you better.  With this
+Pantagruel perceived at the door of the great hall, which was that day
+their dining-room, Gargantua's little dog, whose name was Kyne; for so was
+Toby's dog called, as is recorded.  Then did he say to these who were there
+present, Our king is not far off,--let us all rise.
+
+That word was scarcely sooner uttered, than that Gargantua with his royal
+presence graced that banqueting and stately hall.  Each of the guests arose
+to do their king that reverence and duty which became them.  After that
+Gargantua had most affably saluted all the gentlemen there present, he
+said, Good friends, I beg this favour of you, and therein you will very
+much oblige me, that you leave not the places where you sate nor quit the
+discourse you were upon.  Let a chair be brought hither unto this end of
+the table, and reach me a cupful of the strongest and best wine you have,
+that I may drink to all the company.  You are, in faith, all welcome,
+gentlemen.  Now let me know what talk you were about.  To this Pantagruel
+answered that at the beginning of the second service Panurge had proposed a
+problematic theme, to wit, whether he should marry, or not marry? that
+Father Hippothadee and Doctor Rondibilis had already despatched their
+resolutions thereupon; and that, just as his majesty was coming in, the
+faithful Trouillogan in the delivery of his opinion hath thus far
+proceeded, that when Panurge asked whether he ought to marry, yea or no? at
+first he made this answer, Both together.  When this same question was
+again propounded, his second answer was, Neither the one nor the other.
+Panurge exclaimeth that those answers are full of repugnancies and
+contradictions, protesting that he understands them not, nor what it is
+that can be meant by them.  If I be not mistaken, quoth Gargantua, I
+understand it very well.  The answer is not unlike to that which was once
+made by a philosopher in ancient times, who being interrogated if he had a
+woman whom they named him to his wife?  I have her, quoth he, but she hath
+not me,--possessing her, by her I am not possessed.  Such another answer,
+quoth Pantagruel, was once made by a certain bouncing wench of Sparta, who
+being asked if at any time she had had to do with a man? No, quoth she, but
+sometimes men have had to do with me.  Well then, quoth Rondibilis, let it
+be a neuter in physic, as when we say a body is neuter, when it is neither
+sick nor healthful, and a mean in philosophy; that, by an abnegation of
+both extremes, and this by the participation of the one and of the other.
+Even as when lukewarm water is said to be both hot and cold; or rather, as
+when time makes the partition, and equally divides betwixt the two, a while
+in the one, another while as long in the other opposite extremity.  The
+holy Apostle, quoth Hippothadee, seemeth, as I conceive, to have more
+clearly explained this point when he said, Those that are married, let them
+be as if they were not married; and those that have wives, let them be as
+if they had no wives at all.  I thus interpret, quoth Pantagruel, the
+having and not having of a wife.  To have a wife is to have the use of her
+in such a way as nature hath ordained, which is for the aid, society, and
+solace of man, and propagating of his race.  To have no wife is not to be
+uxorious, play the coward, and be lazy about her, and not for her sake to
+distain the lustre of that affection which man owes to God, or yet for her
+to leave those offices and duties which he owes unto his country, unto his
+friends and kindred, or for her to abandon and forsake his precious
+studies, and other businesses of account, to wait still on her will, her
+beck, and her buttocks.  If we be pleased in this sense to take having and
+not having of a wife, we shall indeed find no repugnancy nor contradiction
+in the terms at all.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXXVI.
+
+A continuation of the answer of the Ephectic and Pyrrhonian philosopher
+Trouillogan.
+
+You speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the moon were green cheese.  Such a
+tale once pissed my goose.  I do not think but that I am let down into that
+dark pit in the lowermost bottom whereof the truth was hid, according to
+the saying of Heraclitus.  I see no whit at all, I hear nothing, understand
+as little, my senses are altogether dulled and blunted; truly I do very
+shrewdly suspect that I am enchanted.  I will now alter the former style of
+my discourse, and talk to him in another strain.  Our trusty friend, stir
+not, nor imburse any; but let us vary the chance, and speak without
+disjunctives.  I see already that these loose and ill-joined members of an
+enunciation do vex, trouble, and perplex you.
+
+  Now go on, in the name of God!  Should I marry?
+
+  Trouillogan.  There is some likelihood therein.
+
+  Panurge.  But if I do not marry?
+
+  Trouil.  I see in that no inconvenience.
+
+  Pan.  You do not?
+
+  Trouil.  None, truly, if my eyes deceive me not.
+
+  Pan.  Yea, but I find more than five hundred.
+
+  Trouil.  Reckon them.
+
+  Pan.  This is an impropriety of speech, I confess; for I do no more
+thereby but take a certain for an uncertain number, and posit the
+determinate term for what is indeterminate.  When I say, therefore, five
+hundred, my meaning is many.
+
+  Trouil.  I hear you.
+
+Pan.  Is it possible for me to live without a wife, in the name of all the
+subterranean devils?
+
+  Trouil.  Away with these filthy beasts.
+
+  Pan.  Let it be, then, in the name of God; for my Salmigondinish people
+use to say, To lie alone, without a wife, is certainly a brutish life.  And
+such a life also was it assevered to be by Dido in her lamentations.
+
+  Trouil.  At your command.
+
+  Pan.  By the pody cody, I have fished fair; where are we now?  But will
+you tell me?  Shall I marry?
+
+  Trouil.  Perhaps.
+
+  Pan.  Shall I thrive or speed well withal?
+
+  Trouil.  According to the encounter.
+
+  Pan.  But if in my adventure I encounter aright, as I hope I will, shall
+I be fortunate?
+
+  Trouil.  Enough.
+
+  Pan.  Let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former words
+against the wool:  what if I encounter ill?
+
+  Trouil.  Then blame not me.
+
+  Pan.  But, of courtesy, be pleased to give me some advice.  I heartily
+beseech you, what must I do?
+
+  Trouil.  Even what thou wilt.
+
+  Pan.  Wishy, washy; trolly, trolly.
+
+  Trouil.  Do not invocate the name of anything, I pray you.
+
+  Pan.  In the name of God, let it be so!  My actions shall be regulated by
+the rule and square of your counsel.  What is it that you advise and
+counsel me to do?
+
+  Trouil.  Nothing.
+
+  Pan.  Shall I marry?
+
+  Trouil.  I have no hand in it.
+
+  Pan.  Then shall I not marry?
+
+  Trouil.  I cannot help it.
+
+  Pan.  If I never marry, I shall never be a cuckold.
+
+  Trouil.  I thought so.
+
+  Pan.  But put the case that I be married.
+
+  Trouil.  Where shall we put it?
+
+  Pan.  Admit it be so, then, and take my meaning in that sense.
+
+  Trouil.  I am otherwise employed.
+
+  Pan.  By the death of a hog, and mother of a toad, O Lord! if I durst
+hazard upon a little fling at the swearing game, though privily and under
+thumb, it would lighten the burden of my heart and ease my lights and reins
+exceedingly.  A little patience nevertheless is requisite.  Well then, if I
+marry, I shall be a cuckold.
+
+  Trouil.  One would say so.
+
+  Pan.  Yet if my wife prove a virtuous, wise, discreet, and chaste woman,
+I shall never be cuckolded.
+
+  Trouil.  I think you speak congruously.
+
+  Pan.  Hearken.
+
+  Trouil.  As much as you will.
+
+  Pan.  Will she be discreet and chaste?  This is the only point I would be
+resolved in.
+
+  Trouil.  I question it.
+
+  Pan.  You never saw her?
+
+  Trouil.  Not that I know of.
+
+  Pan.  Why do you then doubt of that which you know not?
+
+  Trouil.  For a cause.
+
+  Pan.  And if you should know her.
+
+  Trouil.  Yet more.
+
+  Pan.  Page, my pretty little darling, take here my cap,--I give it thee.
+Have a care you do not break the spectacles that are in it.  Go down to the
+lower court.  Swear there half an hour for me, and I shall in compensation
+of that favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt.  But who
+shall cuckold me?
+
+  Trouil.  Somebody.
+
+  Pan.  By the belly of the wooden horse at Troy, Master Somebody, I shall
+bang, belam thee, and claw thee well for thy labour.
+
+  Trouil.  You say so.
+
+  Pan.  Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark cellar, who hath no white in his
+eye, carry me quite away with him if, in that case, whensoever I go abroad
+from the palace of my domestic residence, I do not, with as much
+circumspection as they use to ring mares in our country to keep them from
+being sallied by stoned horses, clap a Bergamasco lock upon my wife.
+
+  Trouil.  Talk better.
+
+  Pan.  It is bien chien, chie chante, well cacked and cackled, shitten,
+and sung in matter of talk.  Let us resolve on somewhat.
+
+  Trouil.  I do not gainsay it.
+
+  Pan.  Have a little patience.  Seeing I cannot on this side draw any
+blood of you, I will try if with the lancet of my judgment I be able to
+bleed you in another vein.  Are you married, or are you not?
+
+  Trouil.  Neither the one nor the other, and both together.
+
+  Pan.  O the good God help us!  By the death of a buffle-ox, I sweat with
+the toil and travail that I am put to, and find my digestion broke off,
+disturbed, and interrupted, for all my phrenes, metaphrenes, and
+diaphragms, back, belly, midriff, muscles, veins, and sinews are held in a
+suspense and for a while discharged from their proper offices to stretch
+forth their several powers and abilities for incornifistibulating and
+laying up into the hamper of my understanding your various sayings and
+answers.
+
+  Trouil.  I shall be no hinderer thereof.
+
+  Pan.  Tush, for shame!  Our faithful friend, speak; are you married?
+
+  Trouil.  I think so.
+
+  Pan.  You were also married before you had this wife?
+
+  Trouil.  It is possible.
+
+  Pan.  Had you good luck in your first marriage?
+
+  Trouil.  It is not impossible.
+
+  Pan.  How thrive you with this second wife of yours?
+
+  Trouil.  Even as it pleaseth my fatal destiny.
+
+  Pan.  But what, in good earnest?  Tell me--do you prosper well with her?
+
+  Trouil.  It is likely.
+
+  Pan.  Come on, in the name of God.  I vow, by the burden of Saint
+Christopher, that I had rather undertake the fetching of a fart forth of
+the belly of a dead ass than to draw out of you a positive and determinate
+resolution.  Yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and
+get my claws over you.  Our trusty friend, let us shame the devil of hell,
+and confess the verity.  Were you ever a cuckold?  I say, you who are here,
+and not that other you who playeth below in the tennis-court?
+
+  Trouil.  No, if it was not predestinated.
+
+  Pan.  By the flesh, blood, and body, I swear, reswear, forswear, abjure,
+and renounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slips
+and winds himself out of my grips and clutches.
+
+At these words Gargantua arose and said, Praised be the good God in all
+things, but especially for bringing the world into that height of
+refinedness beyond what it was when I first came to be acquainted
+therewith, that now the learnedst and most prudent philosophers are not
+ashamed to be seen entering in at the porches and frontispieces of the
+schools of the Pyrrhonian, Aporrhetic, Sceptic, and Ephectic sects.
+Blessed be the holy name of God!  Veritably, it is like henceforth to be
+found an enterprise of much more easy undertaking to catch lions by the
+neck, horses by the main, oxen by the horns, bulls by the muzzle, wolves by
+the tail, goats by the beard, and flying birds by the feet, than to entrap
+such philosophers in their words.  Farewell, my worthy, dear, and honest
+friends.
+
+When he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the company.
+Pantagruel and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, but
+he would not permit them so to do.  No sooner was Gargantua departed out of
+the banqueting-hall than that Pantagruel said to the invited guests:
+Plato's Timaeus, at the beginning always of a solemn festival convention,
+was wont to count those that were called thereto.  We, on the contrary,
+shall at the closure and end of this treatment reckon up our number.  One,
+two, three; where is the fourth?  I miss my friend Bridlegoose.  Was not he
+sent for?  Epistemon answered that he had been at his house to bid and
+invite him, but could not meet with him; for that a messenger from the
+parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, was come to him with a writ of
+summons to cite and warn him personally to appear before the reverend
+senators of the high court there, to vindicate and justify himself at the
+bar of the crime of prevarication laid to his charge, and to be
+peremptorily instanced against him in a certain decree, judgment, or
+sentence lately awarded, given, and pronounced by him; and that, therefore,
+he had taken horse and departed in great haste from his own house, to the
+end that without peril or danger of falling into a default or contumacy he
+might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time.
+
+I will, quoth Pantagruel, understand how that matter goeth.  It is now
+above forty years that he hath been constantly the judge of Fonsbeton,
+during which space of time he hath given four thousand definitive
+sentences, of two thousand three hundred and nine whereof, although appeal
+was made by the parties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferior
+judicatory to the supreme court of the parliament of Mirlingois, in
+Mirlingues, they were all of them nevertheless confirmed, ratified, and
+approved of by an order, decree, and final sentence of the said sovereign
+court, to the casting of the appellants, and utter overthrow of the suits
+wherein they had been foiled at law, for ever and a day.  That now in his
+old age he should be personally summoned, who in all the foregoing time of
+his life hath demeaned himself so unblamably in the discharge of the office
+and vocation he had been called unto, it cannot assuredly be that such a
+change hath happened without some notorious misfortune and disaster.  I am
+resolved to help and assist him in equity and justice to the uttermost
+extent of my power and ability.  I know the malice, despite, and wickedness
+of the world to be so much more nowadays exasperated, increased, and
+aggravated by what it was not long since, that the best cause that is, how
+just and equitable soever it be, standeth in great need to be succoured,
+aided, and supported.  Therefore presently, from this very instant forth,
+do I purpose, till I see the event and closure thereof, most heedfully to
+attend and wait upon it, for fear of some underhand tricky surprisal,
+cavilling pettifoggery, or fallacious quirks in law, to his detriment,
+hurt, or disadvantage.
+
+Then dinner being done, and the tables drawn and removed, when Pantagruel
+had very cordially and affectionately thanked his invited guests for the
+favour which he had enjoyed of their company, he presented them with
+several rich and costly gifts, such as jewels, rings set with precious
+stones, gold and silver vessels, with a great deal of other sort of plate
+besides, and lastly, taking of them all his leave, retired himself into an
+inner chamber.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXXVII.
+
+How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel of a fool.
+
+When Pantagruel had withdrawn himself, he, by a little sloping window in
+one of the galleries, perceived Panurge in a lobby not far from thence,
+walking alone, with the gesture, carriage, and garb of a fond dotard,
+raving, wagging, and shaking his hands, dandling, lolling, and nodding with
+his head, like a cow bellowing for her calf; and, having then called him
+nearer, spoke unto him thus:  You are at this present, as I think, not
+unlike to a mouse entangled in a snare, who the more that she goeth about
+to rid and unwind herself out of the gin wherein she is caught, by
+endeavouring to clear and deliver her feet from the pitch whereto they
+stick, the foulier she is bewrayed with it, and the more strongly pestered
+therein.  Even so is it with you.  For the more that you labour, strive,
+and enforce yourself to disencumber and extricate your thoughts out of the
+implicating involutions and fetterings of the grievous and lamentable gins
+and springs of anguish and perplexity, the greater difficulty there is in
+the relieving of you, and you remain faster bound than ever.  Nor do I know
+for the removal of this inconveniency any remedy but one.
+
+Take heed, I have often heard it said in a vulgar proverb, The wise may be
+instructed by a fool.  Seeing the answers and responses of sage and
+judicious men have in no manner of way satisfied you, take advice of some
+fool, and possibly by so doing you may come to get that counsel which will
+be agreeable to your own heart's desire and contentment.  You know how by
+the advice and counsel and prediction of fools, many kings, princes,
+states, and commonwealths have been preserved, several battles gained, and
+divers doubts of a most perplexed intricacy resolved.  I am not so
+diffident of your memory as to hold it needful to refresh it with a
+quotation of examples, nor do I so far undervalue your judgment but that I
+think it will acquiesce in the reason of this my subsequent discourse.  As
+he who narrowly takes heed to what concerns the dexterous management of his
+private affairs, domestic businesses, and those adoes which are confined
+within the strait-laced compass of one family, who is attentive, vigilant,
+and active in the economic rule of his own house, whose frugal spirit never
+strays from home, who loseth no occasion whereby he may purchase to himself
+more riches, and build up new heaps of treasure on his former wealth, and
+who knows warily how to prevent the inconveniences of poverty, is called a
+worldly wise man, though perhaps in the second judgment of the
+intelligences which are above he be esteemed a fool,--so, on the contrary,
+is he most like, even in the thoughts of all celestial spirits, to be not
+only sage, but to presage events to come by divine inspiration, who laying
+quite aside those cares which are conducible to his body or his fortunes,
+and, as it were, departing from himself, rids all his senses of terrene
+affections, and clears his fancies of those plodding studies which harbour
+in the minds of thriving men.  All which neglects of sublunary things are
+vulgarily imputed folly.  After this manner, the son of Picus, King of the
+Latins, the great soothsayer Faunus, was called Fatuus by the witless
+rabble of the common people.  The like we daily see practised amongst the
+comic players, whose dramatic roles, in distribution of the personages,
+appoint the acting of the fool to him who is the wisest of the troop.  In
+approbation also of this fashion the mathematicians allow the very same
+horoscope to princes and to sots.  Whereof a right pregnant instance by
+them is given in the nativities of Aeneas and Choroebus; the latter of
+which two is by Euphorion said to have been a fool, and yet had with the
+former the same aspects and heavenly genethliac influences.
+
+I shall not, I suppose, swerve much from the purpose in hand, if I relate
+unto you what John Andrew said upon the return of a papal writ, which was
+directed to the mayor and burgesses of Rochelle, and after him by Panorme,
+upon the same pontifical canon; Barbatias on the Pandects, and recently by
+Jason in his Councils, concerning Seyny John, the noted fool of Paris, and
+Caillet's fore great-grandfather.  The case is this.
+
+At Paris, in the roastmeat cookery of the Petit Chastelet, before the
+cookshop of one of the roastmeat sellers of that lane, a certain hungry
+porter was eating his bread, after he had by parcels kept it a while above
+the reek and steam of a fat goose on the spit, turning at a great fire, and
+found it, so besmoked with the vapour, to be savoury; which the cook
+observing, took no notice, till after having ravined his penny loaf,
+whereof no morsel had been unsmokified, he was about decamping and going
+away.  But, by your leave, as the fellow thought to have departed thence
+shot-free, the master-cook laid hold upon him by the gorget, and demanded
+payment for the smoke of his roast meat.  The porter answered, that he had
+sustained no loss at all; that by what he had done there was no diminution
+made of the flesh; that he had taken nothing of his, and that therefore he
+was not indebted to him in anything.  As for the smoke in question, that,
+although he had not been there, it would howsoever have been evaporated;
+besides, that before that time it had never been seen nor heard that
+roastmeat smoke was sold upon the streets of Paris.  The cook hereto
+replied, that he was not obliged nor any way bound to feed and nourish for
+nought a porter whom he had never seen before with the smoke of his roast
+meat, and thereupon swore that if he would not forthwith content and
+satisfy him with present payment for the repast which he had thereby got,
+that he would take his crooked staves from off his back; which, instead of
+having loads thereafter laid upon them, should serve for fuel to his
+kitchen fires.  Whilst he was going about so to do, and to have pulled them
+to him by one of the bottom rungs which he had caught in his hand, the
+sturdy porter got out of his grip, drew forth the knotty cudgel, and stood
+to his own defence.  The altercation waxed hot in words, which moved the
+gaping hoidens of the sottish Parisians to run from all parts thereabouts,
+to see what the issue would be of that babbling strife and contention.  In
+the interim of this dispute, to very good purpose Seyny John, the fool and
+citizen of Paris, happened to be there, whom the cook perceiving, said to
+the porter, Wilt thou refer and submit unto the noble Seyny John the
+decision of the difference and controversy which is betwixt us?  Yes, by
+the blood of a goose, answered the porter, I am content.  Seyny John the
+fool, finding that the cook and porter had compromised the determination of
+their variance and debate to the discretion of his award and arbitrament,
+after that the reasons on either side whereupon was grounded the mutual
+fierceness of their brawling jar had been to the full displayed and laid
+open before him, commanded the porter to draw out of the fob of his belt a
+piece of money, if he had it.  Whereupon the porter immediately without
+delay, in reverence to the authority of such a judicious umpire, put the
+tenth part of a silver Philip into his hand.  This little Philip Seyny John
+took; then set it on his left shoulder, to try by feeling if it was of a
+sufficient weight.  After that, laying it on the palm of his hand, he made
+it ring and tingle, to understand by the ear if it was of a good alloy in
+the metal whereof it was composed.  Thereafter he put it to the ball or
+apple of his left eye, to explore by the sight if it was well stamped and
+marked; all which being done, in a profound silence of the whole doltish
+people who were there spectators of this pageantry, to the great hope of
+the cook's and despair of the porter's prevalency in the suit that was in
+agitation, he finally caused the porter to make it sound several times upon
+the stall of the cook's shop.  Then with a presidential majesty holding his
+bauble sceptre-like in his hand, muffling his head with a hood of marten
+skins, each side whereof had the resemblance of an ape's face sprucified up
+with ears of pasted paper, and having about his neck a bucked ruff, raised,
+furrowed, and ridged with pointing sticks of the shape and fashion of small
+organ pipes, he first with all the force of his lungs coughed two or three
+times, and then with an audible voice pronounced this following sentence:
+The court declareth that the porter who ate his bread at the smoke of the
+roast, hath civilly paid the cook with the sound of his money.  And the
+said court ordaineth that everyone return to his own home, and attend his
+proper business, without cost and charges, and for a cause.  This verdict,
+award, and arbitrament of the Parisian fool did appear so equitable, yea,
+so admirable to the aforesaid doctors, that they very much doubted if the
+matter had been brought before the sessions for justice of the said place,
+or that the judges of the Rota at Rome had been umpires therein, or yet
+that the Areopagites themselves had been the deciders thereof, if by any
+one part, or all of them together, it had been so judicially sententiated
+and awarded.  Therefore advise, if you will be counselled by a fool.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXXVIII.
+
+How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by Pantagruel and Panurge.
+
+By my soul, quoth Panurge, that overture pleaseth me exceedingly well.  I
+will therefore lay hold thereon, and embrace it.  At the very motioning
+thereof my very right entrail seemeth to be widened and enlarged, which was
+but just now hard-bound, contracted, and costive.  But as we have hitherto
+made choice of the purest and most refined cream of wisdom and sapience for
+our counsel, so would I now have to preside and bear the prime sway in our
+consultation as very a fool in the supreme degree.  Triboulet, quoth
+Pantagruel, is completely foolish, as I conceive.  Yes, truly, answered
+Panurge, he is properly and totally a fool, a
+
+
+    Pantagruel.                        Panurge.
+Fatal f.                           Jovial f.
+Natural f.                         Mercurial f.
+Celestial f.                       Lunatic f.
+Erratic f.                         Ducal f.
+Eccentric f.                       Common f.
+Aethereal and Junonian f.          Lordly f.
+Arctic f.                          Palatine f.
+Heroic f.                          Principal f.
+Genial f.                          Pretorian f.
+Inconstant f.                      Elected f.
+Earthly f.                         Courtly f.
+Salacious and sporting f.          Primipilary f.
+Jocund and wanton f.               Triumphant f.
+Pimpled f.                         Vulgar f.
+Freckled f.                        Domestic f.
+Bell-tinging f.                    Exemplary f.
+Laughing and lecherous f.          Rare outlandish f.
+Nimming and filching f.            Satrapal f.
+Unpressed f.                       Civil f.
+First broached f.                  Popular f.
+Augustal f.                        Familiar f.
+Caesarine f.                       Notable f.
+Imperial f.                        Favourized f.
+Royal f.                           Latinized f.
+Patriarchal f.                     Ordinary f.
+Original f.                        Transcendent f.
+Loyal f.                           Rising f.
+Episcopal f.                       Papal f.
+Doctoral f.                        Consistorian f.
+Monachal f.                        Conclavist f.
+Fiscal f.                          Bullist f.
+Extravagant f.                     Synodal f.
+Writhed f.                         Doting and raving f.
+Canonical f.                       Singular and surpassing f.
+Such another f.                    Special and excelling f.
+Graduated f.                       Metaphysical f.
+Commensal f.                       Scatical f.
+Primolicentiated f.                Predicamental and categoric f.
+Train-bearing f.                   Predicable and enunciatory f.
+Supererogating f.                  Decumane and superlative f.
+Collateral f.                      Dutiful and officious f.
+Haunch and side f.                 Optical and perspective f.
+Nestling, ninny, and youngling f.  Algoristic f.
+Flitting, giddy, and unsteady f.   Algebraical f.
+Brancher, novice, and cockney f.   Cabalistical and Massoretical f.
+Haggard, cross, and froward f.     Talmudical f.
+Gentle, mild, and tractable f.     Algamalized f.
+Mail-coated f.                     Compendious f.
+Pilfering and purloining f.        Abbreviated f.
+Tail-grown f.                      Hyperbolical f.
+Grey peckled f.                    Anatomastical f.
+Pleonasmical f.                    Allegorical f.
+Capital f.                         Tropological f.
+Hair-brained f.                    Micher pincrust f.
+Cordial f.                         Heteroclit f.
+Intimate f.                        Summist f.
+Hepatic f.                         Abridging f.
+Cupshotten and swilling f.         Morrish f.
+Splenetic f.                       Leaden-sealed f.
+Windy f.                           Mandatory f.
+Legitimate f.                      Compassionate f.
+Azymathal f.                       Titulary f.
+Almicantarized f.                  Crouching, showking, ducking f.
+Proportioned f.                    Grim, stern, harsh, and wayward f.
+Chinnified f.                      Well-hung and timbered f.
+Swollen and puffed up f.           Ill-clawed, pounced, and pawed f.
+Overcockrifedlid and lified f.     Well-stoned f.
+Corallory f.                       Crabbed and unpleasing f.
+Eastern f.                         Winded and untainted f.
+Sublime f.                         Kitchen haunting f.
+Crimson f.                         Lofty and stately f.
+Ingrained f.                       Spitrack f.
+City f.                            Architrave f.
+Basely accoutred f.                Pedestal f.
+Mast-headed f.                     Tetragonal f.
+Modal f.                           Renowned f.
+Second notial f.                   Rheumatic f.
+Cheerful and buxom f.              Flaunting and braggadocio f.
+Solemn f.                          Egregious f.
+Annual f.                          Humourous and capricious f.
+Festival f.                        Rude, gross, and absurd f.
+Recreative f.                      Large-measured f.
+Boorish and counterfeit f.         Babble f.
+Pleasant f.                        Down-right f.
+Privileged f.                      Broad-listed f.
+Rustical f.                        Duncical-bearing f.
+Proper and peculiar f.             Stale and over-worn f.
+Ever ready f.                      Saucy and swaggering f.
+Diapasonal f.                      Full-bulked f.
+Resolute f.                        Gallant and vainglorious f.
+Hieroglyphical f.                  Gorgeous and gaudy f.
+Authentic f.                       Continual and intermitting f.
+Worthy f.                          Rebasing and roundling f.
+Precious f.                        Prototypal and precedenting f.
+Fanatic f.                         Prating f.
+Fantastical f.                     Catechetic f.
+Symphatic f.                       Cacodoxical f.
+Panic f.                           Meridional f.
+Limbecked and distilled f.         Nocturnal f.
+Comportable f.                     Occidental f.
+Wretched and heartless f.          Trifling f.
+Fooded f.                          Astrological and figure-flinging f.
+Thick and threefold f.             Genethliac and horoscopal f.
+Damasked f.                        Knavish f.
+Fearney f.                         Idiot f.
+Unleavened f.                      Blockish f.
+Baritonant f.                      Beetle-headed f.
+Pink and spot-powdered f.          Grotesque f.
+Musket-proof f.                    Impertinent f.
+Pedantic f.                        Quarrelsome f.
+Strouting f.                       Unmannerly f.
+Wood f.                            Captious and sophistical f.
+Greedy f.                          Soritic f.
+Senseless f.                       Catholoproton f.
+Godderlich f.                      Hoti and Dioti f.
+Obstinate f.                       Alphos and Catati f.
+Contradictory f.
+Pedagogical f.
+Daft f.
+Drunken f.
+Peevish f.
+Prodigal f.
+Rash f.
+Plodding f.
+
+  Pantagruel.  If there was any reason why at Rome the Quirinal holiday of
+old was called the Feast of Fools, I know not why we may not for the like
+cause institute in France the Tribouletic Festivals, to be celebrated and
+solemnized over all the land.
+
+  Panurge.  If all fools carried cruppers.
+
+  Pantagruel.  If he were the god Fatuus of whom we have already made
+mention, the husband of the goddess Fatua, his father would be Good Day,
+and his grandmother Good Even.
+
+  Panurge.  If all fools paced, albeit he be somewhat wry-legged, he would
+overlay at least a fathom at every rake.  Let us go toward him without any
+further lingering or delay; we shall have, no doubt, some fine resolution
+of him.  I am ready to go, and long for the issue of our progress
+impatiently.  I must needs, quoth Pantagruel, according to my former
+resolution therein, be present at Bridlegoose's trial.  Nevertheless,
+whilst I shall be upon my journey towards Mirelingues, which is on the
+other side of the river of Loire, I will despatch Carpalin to bring along
+with him from Blois the fool Triboulet.  Then was Carpalin instantly sent
+away, and Pantagruel, at the same time attended by his domestics, Panurge,
+Epistemon, Ponocrates, Friar John, Gymnast, Ryzotomus, and others, marched
+forward on the high road to Mirelingues.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XXXIX.
+
+How Pantagruel was present at the trial of Judge Bridlegoose, who decided
+causes and controversies in law by the chance and fortune of the dice.
+
+On the day following, precisely at the hour appointed, Pantagruel came to
+Mirelingues.  At his arrival the presidents, senators, and counsellors
+prayed him to do them the honour to enter in with them, to hear the
+decision of all the causes, arguments, and reasons which Bridlegoose in his
+own defence would produce, why he had pronounced a certain sentence against
+the subsidy-assessor, Toucheronde, which did not seem very equitable to
+that centumviral court.  Pantagruel very willingly condescended to their
+desire, and accordingly entering in, found Bridlegoose sitting within the
+middle of the enclosure of the said court of justice; who immediately upon
+the coming of Pantagruel, accompanied with the senatorian members of that
+worshipful judicatory, arose, went to the bar, had his indictment read, and
+for all his reasons, defences, and excuses, answered nothing else but that
+he was become old, and that his sight of late was very much failed, and
+become dimmer than it was wont to be; instancing therewithal many miseries
+and calamities which old age bringeth along with it, and are concomitant to
+wrinkled elders; which not. per Archid. d. lxxxvi. c. tanta.  By reason of
+which infirmity he was not able so distinctly and clearly to discern the
+points and blots of the dice as formerly he had been accustomed to do;
+whence it might very well have happened, said he, as old dim-sighted Isaac
+took Jacob for Esau, that I after the same manner, at the decision of
+causes and controversies in law, should have been mistaken in taking a
+quatre for a cinque, or a trey for a deuce.  This I beseech your worships,
+quoth he, to take into your serious consideration, and to have the more
+favourable opinion of my uprightness, notwithstanding the prevarication
+whereof I am accused in the matter of Toucheronde's sentence, that at the
+time of that decree's pronouncing I only had made use of my small dice; and
+your worships, said he, know very well how by the most authentic rules of
+the law it is provided that the imperfections of nature should never be
+imputed unto any for crimes and transgressions; as appeareth, ff. de re
+milit. l. qui cum uno. ff. de reg.  Jur. l. fere. ff. de aedil. edict. per
+totum. ff. de term. mod. l. Divus Adrianus, resolved by Lud. Rom. in l. si
+vero. ff. Sol. Matr.  And who would offer to do otherwise, should not
+thereby accuse the man, but nature, and the all-seeing providence of God,
+as is evident in l. Maximum Vitium, c. de lib. praeter.
+
+What kind of dice, quoth Trinquamelle, grand-president of the said court,
+do you mean, my friend Bridlegoose?  The dice, quoth Bridlegoose, of
+sentences at law, decrees, and peremptory judgments, Alea Judiciorum,
+whereof is written, Per Doct. 26. qu. 2. cap. sort. l. nec emptio ff. de
+contrahend. empt. l. quod debetur. ff. de pecul. et ibi Bartol., and which
+your worships do, as well as I, use, in this glorious sovereign court of
+yours.  So do all other righteous judges in their decision of processes and
+final determination of legal differences, observing that which hath been
+said thereof by D. Henri. Ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. fin. de sortil. et
+l. sed cum ambo. ff. de jud.  Ubi Docto.  Mark, that chance and fortune are
+good, honest, profitable, and necessary for ending of and putting a final
+closure to dissensions and debates in suits at law.  The same hath more
+clearly been declared by Bald. Bartol. et Alex. c. communia de leg. l. Si
+duo.  But how is it that you do these things? asked Trinquamelle.  I very
+briefly, quoth Bridlegoose, shall answer you, according to the doctrine and
+instructions of Leg. ampliorem para. in refutatoriis. c. de appel.; which
+is conform to what is said in Gloss l. 1. ff. quod met. causa.  Gaudent
+brevitate moderni.  My practice is therein the same with that of your other
+worships, and as the custom of the judicatory requires, unto which our law
+commandeth us to have regard, and by the rule thereof still to direct and
+regulate our actions and procedures; ut not. extra. de consuet. in c. ex
+literis et ibi innoc.  For having well and exactly seen, surveyed,
+overlooked, reviewed, recognized, read, and read over again, turned and
+tossed over, seriously perused and examined the bills of complaint,
+accusations, impeachments, indictments, warnings, citations, summonings,
+comparitions, appearances, mandates, commissions, delegations,
+instructions, informations, inquests, preparatories, productions,
+evidences, proofs, allegations, depositions, cross speeches,
+contradictions, supplications, requests, petitions, inquiries, instruments
+of the deposition of witnesses, rejoinders, replies, confirmations of
+former assertions, duplies, triplies, answers to rejoinders, writings,
+deeds, reproaches, disabling of exceptions taken, grievances, salvation
+bills, re-examination of witnesses, confronting of them together,
+declarations, denunciations, libels, certificates, royal missives, letters
+of appeal, letters of attorney, instruments of compulsion, delineatories,
+anticipatories, evocations, messages, dimissions, issues, exceptions,
+dilatory pleas, demurs, compositions, injunctions, reliefs, reports,
+returns, confessions, acknowledgments, exploits, executions, and other
+such-like confects and spiceries, both at the one and the other side, as a
+good judge ought to do, conform to what hath been noted thereupon.  Spec.
+de ordination. Paragr. 3. et Tit. de Offi. omn. jud. paragr. fin. et de
+rescriptis praesentat. parag. 1.--I posit on the end of a table in my
+closet all the pokes and bags of the defendant, and then allow unto him the
+first hazard of the dice, according to the usual manner of your other
+worships.  And it is mentioned, l. favorabiliores. ff. de reg. jur. et in
+cap. cum sunt eod. tit. lib. 6, which saith, Quum sunt partium jura
+obscura, reo potius favendum est quam actori.  That being done, I
+thereafter lay down upon the other end of the same table the bags and
+satchels of the plaintiff, as your other worships are accustomed to do,
+visum visu, just over against one another; for Opposita juxta se posita
+clarius elucescunt:  ut not. in lib. 1. parag. Videamus. ff. de his qui
+sunt sui vel alieni juris, et in l. munerum. para. mixta ff. de mun. et
+hon.  Then do I likewise and semblably throw the dice for him, and
+forthwith livre him his chance.  But, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, how
+come you to know, understand, and resolve the obscurity of these various
+and seeming contrary passages in law, which are laid claim to by the
+suitors and pleading parties?  Even just, quoth Bridlegoose, after the
+fashion of your other worships; to wit, when there are many bags on the one
+side and on the other, I then use my little small dice, after the customary
+manner of your other worships, in obedience to the law, Semper in
+stipulationibus ff. de reg. jur.  And the law ver(s)ified versifieth that,
+Eod. tit. Semper in obscuris quod minimum est sequimur; canonized in c. in
+obscuris. eod. tit. lib. 6.  I have other large great dice, fair and goodly
+ones, which I employ in the fashion that your other worships use to do,
+when the matter is more plain, clear, and liquid, that is to say, when
+there are fewer bags.  But when you have done all these fine things, quoth
+Trinquamelle, how do you, my friend, award your decrees, and pronounce
+judgment?  Even as your other worships, answered Bridlegoose; for I give
+out sentence in his favour unto whom hath befallen the best chance by dice,
+judiciary, tribunian, pretorial, what comes first.  So our laws command,
+ff. qui pot. in pign. l. creditor, c. de consul. 1.  Et de regul. jur. in
+6.  Qui prior est tempore potior est jure.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XL.
+
+How Bridlegoose giveth reasons why he looked upon those law-actions which
+he decided by the chance of the dice.
+
+Yea but, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, seeing it is by the lot, chance,
+and throw of the dice that you award your judgments and sentences, why do
+not you livre up these fair throws and chances the very same day and hour,
+without any further procrastination or delay, that the controverting
+party-pleaders appear before you?  To what use can those writings serve you,
+those papers and other procedures contained in the bags and pokes of the
+law-suitors?  To the very same use, quoth Bridlegoose, that they serve your
+other worships.  They are behooveful unto me, and serve my turn in three
+things very exquisite, requisite, and authentical.  First, for formality
+sake, the omission whereof, that it maketh all, whatever is done, to be of
+no force nor value, is excellently well proved, by Spec. 1. tit. de instr.
+edit. et tit. de rescript. praesent.  Besides that, it is not unknown to
+you, who have had many more experiments thereof than I, how oftentimes, in
+judicial proceedings, the formalities utterly destroy the materialities and
+substances of the causes and matters agitated; for Forma mutata, mutatur
+substantia. ff. ad exhib. l. Julianus. ff. ad leg. Fal. l. si is qui
+quadraginta.  Et extra de decim. c. ad audientiam, et de celebrat. miss. c.
+in quadam.
+
+Secondly, they are useful and steadable to me, even as unto your other
+worships, in lieu of some other honest and healthful exercise.  The late
+Master Othoman Vadet (Vadere), a prime physician, as you would say, Cod. de
+Comit. et Archi. lib. 12, hath frequently told me that the lack and default
+of bodily exercise is the chief, if not the sole and only cause of the
+little health and short lives of all officers of justice, such as your
+worships and I am.  Which observation was singularly well before him noted
+and remarked by Bartholus in lib. 1. c. de sent. quae pro eo quod.
+Therefore it is that the practice of such-like exercitations is appointed
+to be laid hold on by your other worships, and consequently not to be
+denied unto me, who am of the same profession; Quia accessorium naturam
+sequitur principalis. de reg. jur. l. 6. et l. cum principalis. et l. nihil
+dolo. ff. eod. tit. ff. de fide-juss. l. fide-juss. et extra de officio
+deleg. cap. 1.  Let certain honest and recreative sports and plays of
+corporeal exercises be allowed and approved of; and so far, (ff. de allus.
+et aleat. l. solent. et authent.) ut omnes obed. in princ. coll. 7. et ff.
+de praescript. verb. l. si gratuitam et l. 1. cod. de spect. l. 11.  Such
+also is the opinion of D. Thom, in secunda, secundae Q. I. 168.  Quoted in
+very good purpose by D. Albert de Rosa, who fuit magnus practicus, and a
+solemn doctor, as Barbatias attesteth in principiis consil.  Wherefore the
+reason is evidently and clearly deduced and set down before us in gloss. in
+prooemio. ff. par. ne autem tertii.
+
+  Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis.
+
+In very deed, once, in the year a thousand four hundred fourscore and
+ninth, having a business concerning the portion and inheritance of a
+younger brother depending in the court and chamber of the four high
+treasurers of France, whereinto as soon as ever I got leave to enter by a
+pecuniary permission of the usher thereof,--as your other worships know
+very well, that Pecuniae obediunt omnia, and there says Baldus, in l.
+singularia. ff. si cert. pet. et Salic. in l. receptitia. Cod. de constit.
+pecuni. et Card. in Clem. 1. de baptism.--I found them all recreating and
+diverting themselves at the play called muss, either before or after
+dinner; to me, truly, it is a thing altogether indifferent whether of the
+two it was, provided that hic not., that the game of the muss is honest,
+healthful, ancient, and lawful, a Muscho inventore, de quo cod. de petit.
+haered. l. si post mortem. et Muscarii.  Such as play and sport it at the
+muss are excusable in and by law, lib. 1. c. de excus. artific. lib. 10.
+And at the very same time was Master Tielman Picquet one of the players of
+that game of muss.  There is nothing that I do better remember, for he
+laughed heartily when his fellow-members of the aforesaid judicial chamber
+spoiled their caps in swingeing of his shoulders.  He, nevertheless, did
+even then say unto them, that the banging and flapping of him, to the waste
+and havoc of their caps, should not, at their return from the palace to
+their own houses, excuse them from their wives, Per. c. extra. de
+praesumpt. et ibi gloss.  Now, resolutorie loquendo, I should say,
+according to the style and phrase of your other worships, that there is no
+exercise, sport, game, play, nor recreation in all this palatine, palatial,
+or parliamentary world, more aromatizing and fragrant than to empty and
+void bags and purses, turn over papers and writings, quote margins and
+backs of scrolls and rolls, fill panniers, and take inspection of causes,
+Ex. Bart. et Joan. de Pra. in l. falsa. de condit. et demonst. ff.
+
+Thirdly, I consider, as your own worships use to do, that time ripeneth and
+bringeth all things to maturity, that by time everything cometh to be made
+manifest and patent, and that time is the father of truth and virtue.
+Gloss. in l. 1. cod. de servit. authent. de restit. et ea quae pa. et spec.
+tit. de requisit. cons.  Therefore is it that, after the manner and fashion
+of your other worships, I defer, protract, delay, prolong, intermit,
+surcease, pause, linger, suspend, prorogate, drive out, wire-draw, and
+shift off the time of giving a definitive sentence, to the end that the
+suit or process, being well fanned and winnowed, tossed and canvassed to
+and fro, narrowly, precisely, and nearly garbled, sifted, searched, and
+examined, and on all hands exactly argued, disputed, and debated, may, by
+succession of time, come at last to its full ripeness and maturity.  By
+means whereof, when the fatal hazard of the dice ensueth thereupon, the
+parties cast or condemned by the said aleatory chance will with much
+greater patience, and more mildly and gently, endure and bear up the
+disastrous load of their misfortune, than if they had been sentenced at
+their first arrival unto the court, as not. gl. ff. de excus. tut. l. tria.
+onera.
+
+  Portatur leviter quod portat quisque libenter.
+
+On the other part, to pass a decree or sentence when the action is raw,
+crude, green, unripe, unprepared, as at the beginning, a danger would ensue
+of a no less inconveniency than that which the physicians have been wont to
+say befalleth to him in whom an imposthume is pierced before it be ripe, or
+unto any other whose body is purged of a strong predominating humour before
+its digestion.  For as it is written, in authent. haec constit. in Innoc.
+de constit. princip., so is the same repeated in gloss. in c. caeterum.
+extra. de juram. calumn.  Quod medicamenta morbis exhibent, hoc jura
+negotiis.  Nature furthermore admonisheth and teacheth us to gather and
+reap, eat and feed on fruits when they are ripe, and not before.  Instit.
+de rer. div. paragr. is ad quem et ff. de action. empt. l. Julianus.  To
+marry likewise our daughters when they are ripe, and no sooner, ff. de
+donation. inter vir. et uxor. l. cum hic status. paragr. si quis sponsam.
+et 27 qu. 1. c. sicut dicit. gl.
+
+  Jam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annis
+  Virginitas.
+
+And, in a word, she instructeth us to do nothing of any considerable
+importance, but in a full maturity and ripeness, 23. q. para ult. et 23. de
+c. ultimo.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XLI.
+
+How Bridlegoose relateth the history of the reconcilers of parties at
+variance in matters of law.
+
+I remember to the same purpose, quoth Bridlegoose, in continuing his
+discourse, that in the time when at Poictiers I was a student of law under
+Brocadium Juris, there was at Semerve one Peter Dandin, a very honest man,
+careful labourer of the ground, fine singer in a church-desk, of good
+repute and credit, and older than the most aged of all your worships; who
+was wont to say that he had seen the great and goodly good man, the Council
+of Lateran, with his wide and broad-brimmed red hat.  As also, that he had
+beheld and looked upon the fair and beautiful Pragmatical Sanction his
+wife, with her huge rosary or patenotrian chaplet of jet-beads hanging at a
+large sky-coloured ribbon.  This honest man compounded, atoned, and agreed
+more differences, controversies, and variances at law than had been
+determined, voided, and finished during his time in the whole palace of
+Poictiers, in the auditory of Montmorillon, and in the town-house of the
+old Partenay.  This amicable disposition of his rendered him venerable and
+of great estimation, sway, power, and authority throughout all the
+neighbouring places of Chauvigny, Nouaille, Leguge, Vivonne, Mezeaux,
+Estables, and other bordering and circumjacent towns, villages, and
+hamlets.  All their debates were pacified by him; he put an end to their
+brabbling suits at law and wrangling differences.  By his advice and
+counsels were accords and reconcilements no less firmly made than if the
+verdict of a sovereign judge had been interposed therein, although, in very
+deed, he was no judge at all, but a right honest man, as you may well
+conceive,--arg. in l. sed si unius. ff. de jure-jur. et de verbis
+obligatoriis l.continuus.  There was not a hog killed within three parishes
+of him whereof he had not some part of the haslet and puddings.  He was
+almost every day invited either to a marriage banquet, christening feast,
+an uprising or women-churching treatment, a birthday's anniversary
+solemnity, a merry frolic gossiping, or otherwise to some delicious
+entertainment in a tavern, to make some accord and agreement between
+persons at odds and in debate with one another.  Remark what I say; for he
+never yet settled and compounded a difference betwixt any two at variance,
+but he straight made the parties agreed and pacified to drink together as a
+sure and infallible token and symbol of a perfect and completely
+well-cemented reconciliation, sign of a sound and sincere amity and proper
+mark of a new joy and gladness to follow thereupon,--Ut not. per (Doct.) ff.
+de peric. et com. rei vend. l. 1.  He had a son, whose name was Tenot
+Dandin, a lusty, young, sturdy, frisking roister, so help me God! who
+likewise, in imitation of his peace-making father, would have undertaken and
+meddled with the making up of variances and deciding of controversies
+betwixt disagreeing and contentious party-pleaders; as you know,
+
+  Saepe solet similis esse patri.
+  Et sequitur leviter filia matris iter.
+
+Ut ait gloss. 6, quaest. 1. c. Si quis. gloss. de cons. dist. 5. c. 2. fin.
+et est. not. per Doct. cod. de impub. et aliis substit. l. ult. et l.
+legitime. ff. de stat. hom. gloss. in l. quod si nolit. ff. de aedil.
+edict. l. quisquis c. ad leg. Jul. Majest. Excipio filios a Moniali
+susceptos ex Monacho. per glos. in c. impudicas. 27. quaestione. 1.  And
+such was his confidence to have no worse success than his father, he
+assumed unto himself the title of Law-strife-settler.  He was likewise in
+these pacificatory negotiations so active and vigilant--for, Vigilantibus
+jura subveniunt. ex l. pupillus. ff. quae in fraud. cred. et ibid. l. non
+enim. et instit. in prooem.--that when he had smelt, heard, and fully
+understood--ut ff.si quando paup. fec. l. Agaso. gloss. in verb. olfecit,
+id est, nasum ad culum posuit--and found that there was anywhere in the
+country a debatable matter at law, he would incontinently thrust in his
+advice, and so forwardly intrude his opinion in the business, that he made
+no bones of making offer, and taking upon him to decide it, how difficult
+soever it might happen to be, to the full contentment and satisfaction of
+both parties.  It is written, Qui non laborat non manducat; and the said
+gl. ff. de damn. infect. l. quamvis, and Currere plus que le pas vetulam
+compellit egestas. gloss. ff. de lib. agnosc. l. si quis. pro qua facit. l.
+si plures. c. de cond. incert.  But so hugely great was his misfortune in
+this his undertaking, that he never composed any difference, how little
+soever you may imagine it might have been, but that, instead of reconciling
+the parties at odds, he did incense, irritate, and exasperate them to a
+higher point of dissension and enmity than ever they were at before.  Your
+worships know, I doubt not, that,
+
+  Sermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis.
+
+Gl. ff. de alien. jud. mut. caus. fa. lib.2.  This administered unto the
+tavern-keepers, wine-drawers, and vintners of Semerve an occasion to say,
+that under him they had not in the space of a whole year so much
+reconciliation-wine, for so were they pleased to call the good wine of
+Leguge, as under his father they had done in one half-hour's time.  It
+happened a little while thereafter that he made a most heavy regret thereof
+to his father, attributing the causes of his bad success in pacificatory
+enterprises to the perversity, stubbornness, froward, cross, and backward
+inclinations of the people of his time; roundly, boldly, and irreverently
+upbraiding, that if but a score of years before the world had been so
+wayward, obstinate, pervicacious, implacable, and out of all square, frame,
+and order as it was then, his father had never attained to and acquired the
+honour and title of Strife-appeaser so irrefragably, inviolably, and
+irrevocably as he had done.  In doing whereof Tenot did heinously
+transgress against the law which prohibiteth children to reproach the
+actions of their parents; per gl. et Bart. l. 3. paragr. si quis. ff. de
+cond. ob caus. et authent. de nupt. par. sed quod sancitum. col. 4.  To
+this the honest old father answered thus:  My son Dandin, when Don Oportet
+taketh place, this is the course which we must trace, gl. c. de appell. l.
+eos etiam.  For the road that you went upon was not the way to the fuller's
+mill, nor in any part thereof was the form to be found wherein the hare did
+sit.  Thou hast not the skill and dexterity of settling and composing
+differences.  Why?  Because thou takest them at the beginning, in the very
+infancy and bud as it were, when they are green, raw, and indigestible.
+Yet I know handsomely and featly how to compose and settle them all.  Why?
+Because I take them at their decadence, in their weaning, and when they are
+pretty well digested.  So saith Gloss:
+
+  Dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus.
+
+L. non moriturus. c. de contrahend. et committ. stip.  Didst thou ever hear
+the vulgar proverb, Happy is the physician whose coming is desired at the
+declension of a disease?  For the sickness being come to a crisis is then
+upon the decreasing hand, and drawing towards an end, although the
+physician should not repair thither for the cure thereof; whereby, though
+nature wholly do the work, he bears away the palm and praise thereof.  My
+pleaders, after the same manner, before I did interpose my judgment in the
+reconciling of them, were waxing faint in their contestations.  Their
+altercation heat was much abated, and, in declining from their former
+strife, they of themselves inclined to a firm accommodation of their
+differences; because there wanted fuel to that fire of burning rancour and
+despiteful wrangling whereof the lower sort of lawyers were the kindlers.
+That is to say, their purses were emptied of coin, they had not a win in
+their fob, nor penny in their bag, wherewith to solicit and present their
+actions.
+
+  Deficiente pecu, deficit omne, nia.
+
+There wanted then nothing but some brother to supply the place of a
+paranymph, brawl-broker, proxenete, or mediator, who, acting his part
+dexterously, should be the first broacher of the motion of an agreement,
+for saving both the one and the other party from that hurtful and
+pernicious shame whereof he could not have avoided the imputation when it
+should have been said that he was the first who yielded and spoke of a
+reconcilement, and that therefore, his cause not being good, and being
+sensible where his shoe did pinch him, he was willing to break the ice, and
+make the greater haste to prepare the way for a condescendment to an
+amicable and friendly treaty.  Then was it that I came in pudding time,
+Dandin, my son, nor is the fat of bacon more relishing to boiled peas than
+was my verdict then agreeable to them.  This was my luck, my profit, and
+good fortune.  I tell thee, my jolly son Dandin, that by this rule and
+method I could settle a firm peace, or at least clap up a cessation of arms
+and truce for many years to come, betwixt the Great King and the Venetian
+State, the Emperor and the Cantons of Switzerland, the English and the
+Scots, and betwixt the Pope and the Ferrarians.  Shall I go yet further?
+Yea, as I would have God to help me, betwixt the Turk and the Sophy, the
+Tartars and the Muscoviters.  Remark well what I am to say unto thee.  I
+would take them at that very instant nick of time when both those of the
+one and the other side should be weary and tired of making war, when they
+had voided and emptied their own cashes and coffers of all treasure and
+coin, drained and exhausted the purses and bags of their subjects, sold and
+mortgaged their domains and proper inheritances, and totally wasted, spent,
+and consumed the munition, furniture, provision, and victuals that were
+necessary for the continuance of a military expedition.  There I am sure,
+by God, or by his Mother, that, would they, would they not, in spite of all
+their teeths, they should be forced to have a little respite and breathing
+time to moderate the fury and cruel rage of their ambitious aims.  This is
+the doctrine in Gl. 37. d. c. si quando.
+
+  Odero, si potero; si non, invitus amabo.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XLII.
+
+How suits at law are bred at first, and how they come afterwards to their
+perfect growth.
+
+For this cause, quoth Bridlegoose, going on in his discourse, I temporize
+and apply myself to the times, as your other worships use to do, waiting
+patiently for the maturity of the process, full growth and perfection
+thereof in all its members, to wit, the writings and the bags.  Arg. in l.
+si major. c. commun. divid. et de cons. di. 1. c. solemnitates, et ibi gl.
+A suit in law at its production, birth, and first beginning, seemeth to me,
+as unto your other worships, shapeless, without form or fashion,
+incomplete, ugly and imperfect, even as a bear at his first coming into the
+world hath neither hands, skin, hair, nor head, but is merely an inform,
+rude, and ill-favoured piece and lump of flesh, and would remain still so,
+if his dam, out of the abundance of her affection to her hopeful cub, did
+not with much licking put his members into that figure and shape which
+nature had provided for those of an arctic and ursinal kind; ut not. Doct.
+ff. ad l. Aquil. l. 3. in fin.  Just so do I see, as your other worships
+do, processes and suits in law, at their first bringing forth, to be
+numberless, without shape, deformed, and disfigured, for that then they
+consist only of one or two writings, or copies of instruments, through
+which defect they appear unto me, as to your other worships, foul,
+loathsome, filthy, and misshapen beasts.  But when there are heaps of these
+legiformal papers packed, piled, laid up together, impoked, insatchelled,
+and put up in bags, then is it that with a good reason we may term that
+suit, to which, as pieces, parcels, parts, portions, and members thereof,
+they do pertain and belong, well-formed and fashioned, big-limbed,
+strong-set, and in all and each of its dimensions most completely membered.
+Because forma dat esse. rei. l. si is qui. ff. ad leg.  Falcid. in c. cum
+dilecta. de rescript. Barbat. consil. 12. lib. 2, and before him, Baldus,
+in c. ult. extra. de consuet. et l. Julianus ad exhib. ff. et l. quaesitum.
+ff. de leg. 3.  The manner is such as is set down in gl. p. quaest. 1. c.
+Paulus.
+
+  Debile principium melior fortuna sequetur.
+
+Like your other worships, also the sergeants, catchpoles, pursuivants,
+messengers, summoners, apparitors, ushers, door-keepers, pettifoggers,
+attorneys, proctors, commissioners, justices of the peace, judge delegates,
+arbitrators, overseers, sequestrators, advocates, inquisitors, jurors,
+searchers, examiners, notaries, tabellions, scribes, scriveners, clerks,
+pregnotaries, secondaries, and expedanean judges, de quibus tit. est. l. 3.
+c., by sucking very much, and that exceeding forcibly, and licking at the
+purses of the pleading parties, they, to the suits already begot and
+engendered, form, fashion, and frame head, feet, claws, talons, beaks,
+bills, teeth, hands, veins, sinews, arteries, muscles, humours, and so
+forth, through all the similary and dissimilary parts of the whole; which
+parts, particles, pendicles, and appurtenances are the law pokes and bags,
+gl. de cons. d. 4. c. accepisti.  Qualis vestis erit, talia corda gerit.
+Hic notandum est, that in this respect the pleaders, litigants, and
+law-suitors are happier than the officers, ministers, and administrators of
+justice.  For beatius est dare quam accipere. ff. commun. l. 3. extra. de
+celebr. Miss. c. cum Marthae. et 24. quaest. 1. cap. Od. gl.
+
+  Affectum dantis pensat censura tonantis.
+
+Thus becometh the action or process by their care and industry to be of a
+complete and goodly bulk, well shaped, framed, formed, and fashioned
+according to the canonical gloss.
+
+  Accipe, sume, cape, sunt verba placentia Papae.
+
+Which speech hath been more clearly explained by Albert de Ros, in verbo
+Roma.
+
+  Roma manus rodit, quas rodere non valet, odit.
+  Dantes custodit, non dantes spernit, et odit.
+
+The reason whereof is thought to be this:
+
+  Ad praesens ova cras pullis sunt meliora.
+
+ut est gl. in l. quum hi. ff. de transact.  Nor is this all; for the
+inconvenience of the contrary is set down in gloss. c. de allu. l. fin.
+
+  Quum labor in damno est, crescit mortalis egestas.
+
+In confirmation whereof we find that the true etymology and exposition of
+the word process is purchase, viz. of good store of money to the lawyers,
+and of many pokes--id est, prou-sacks--to the pleaders, upon which subject
+we have most celestial quips, gibes, and girds.
+
+  Ligitando jura crescunt; litigando jus acquiritur.
+
+Item gl. in cap. illud extrem. de praesumpt. et c. de prob. l. instrum. l.
+non epistolis. l. non nudis.
+
+  Et si non prosunt singula, multa juvant.
+
+Yea but, asked Trinquamelle, how do you proceed, my friend, in criminal
+causes, the culpable and guilty party being taken and seized upon flagrante
+crimine?  Even as your other worships use to do, answered Bridlegoose.
+First, I permit the plaintiff to depart from the court, enjoining him not
+to presume to return thither till he preallably should have taken a good
+sound and profound sleep, which is to serve for the prime entry and
+introduction to the legal carrying on of the business.  In the next place,
+a formal report is to be made to me of his having slept.  Thirdly, I issue
+forth a warrant to convene him before me.  Fourthly, he is to produce a
+sufficient and authentic attestation of his having thoroughly and entirely
+slept, conform to the Gloss. 37. Quest. 7. c. Si quis cum.
+
+  Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus.
+
+Being thus far advanced in the formality of the process, I find that this
+consopiating act engendereth another act, whence ariseth the articulating
+of a member.  That again produceth a third act, fashionative of another
+member; which third bringing forth a fourth, procreative of another act.
+New members in a no fewer number are shapen and framed, one still breeding
+and begetting another--as, link after link, the coat of mail at length is
+made--till thus, piece after piece, by little and little, by information
+upon information, the process be completely well formed and perfect in all
+his members.  Finally, having proceeded this length, I have recourse to my
+dice, nor is it to be thought that this interruption, respite, or
+interpellation is by me occasioned without very good reason inducing me
+thereunto, and a notable experience of a most convincing and irrefragable
+force.
+
+I remember, on a time, that in the camp at Stockholm there was a certain
+Gascon named Gratianauld, native of the town of Saint Sever, who having
+lost all his money at play, and consecutively being very angry thereat--as
+you know, Pecunia est alter sanguis, ut ait Anto. de Burtio, in c.
+accedens. 2. extra ut lit. non contest. et Bald. in l. si tuis. c. de opt.
+leg. per tot.in l. advocati. c. de advoc. div. jud.  Pecunia est vita
+hominis et optimus fide-jussor in necessitatibus--did, at his coming forth
+of the gaming-house, in the presence of the whole company that was there,
+with a very loud voice speak in his own language these following words:
+Pao cap de bious hillots, que maux de pipes bous tresbire:  ares que de
+pergudes sont les mires bingt, et quouatre bagnelles, ta pla donnerien
+pics, trucs, et patacts, Sey degun de bous aulx, qui boille truquar ambe
+iou a bels embis.  Finding that none would make him any answer, he passed
+from thence to that part of the leaguer where the huff-snuff, honder
+sponder, swashbuckling High Germans were, to whom he renewed these very
+terms, provoking them to fight with him; but all the return he had from
+them to his stout challenge was only, Der Gasconner thut sich ausz mit ein
+iedem zu schlagen, aber er ist geneigter zu stehlen, darum, liebe frawen,
+habt sorg zu euerm hauszrath.  Finding also that none of that band of
+Teutonic soldiers offered himself to the combat, he passed to that quarter
+of the leaguer where the French freebooting adventurers were encamped, and
+reiterating unto them what he had before repeated to the Dutch warriors,
+challenged them likewise to fight with him, and therewithal made some
+pretty little Gasconado frisking gambols to oblige them the more cheerfully
+and gallantly to cope with him in the lists of a duellizing engagement; but
+no answer at all was made unto him.  Whereupon the Gascon, despairing of
+meeting with any antagonists, departed from thence, and laying himself down
+not far from the pavilions of the grand Christian cavalier Crissie, fell
+fast asleep.  When he had thoroughly slept an hour or two, another
+adventurous and all-hazarding blade of the forlorn hope of the lavishingly
+wasting gamesters, having also lost all his moneys, sallied forth with
+sword in his hand, of a firm resolution to fight with the aforesaid Gascon,
+seeing he had lost as well as he.
+
+  Ploratur lachrymis amissa pecunia veris,
+
+saith the Gl. de poenitent. distinct. 3. c. sunt plures.  To this effect
+having made inquiry and search for him throughout the whole camp, and in
+sequel thereof found him asleep, he said unto him, Up, ho, good fellow, in
+the name of all the devils of hell, rise up, rise up, get up!  I have lost
+my money as well as thou hast done; let us therefore go fight lustily
+together, grapple and scuffle it to some purpose.  Thou mayest look and see
+that my tuck is no longer than thy rapier.  The Gascon, altogether
+astonished at his unexpected provocation, without altering his former
+dialect spoke thus:  Cap de Saint Arnault, quau seys to you, qui me
+rebeillez?  Que mau de taberne te gire.  Ho Saint Siobe, cap de Gascoigne,
+ta pla dormy jou, quand aquoest taquain me bingut estee.  The venturous
+roister inviteth him again to the duel, but the Gascon, without
+condescending to his desire, said only this:  He paovret jou tesquinerie
+ares, que son pla reposat.  Vayne un pauque te pausar com jou, peusse
+truqueren.  Thus, in forgetting his loss, he forgot the eagerness which he
+had to fight.  In conclusion, after that the other had likewise slept a
+little, they, instead of fighting, and possibly killing one another, went
+jointly to a sutler's tent, where they drank together very amicably, each
+upon the pawn of his sword.  Thus by a little sleep was pacified the ardent
+fury of two warlike champions.  There, gossip, comes the golden word of
+John Andr. in cap. ult. de sent. et re. judic. l. sexto.
+
+  Sedendo, et dormiendo fit anima prudens.
+
+Chapter 3.XLIII.
+
+How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the matter of sentencing actions at
+law by the chance of the dice.
+
+With this Bridlegoose held his peace.  Whereupon Trinquamelle bid him
+withdraw from the court--which accordingly was done--and then directed his
+discourse to Pantagruel after this manner:  It is fitting, most illustrious
+prince, not only by reason of the deep obligations wherein this present
+parliament, together with the whole marquisate of Mirelingues, stand bound
+to your royal highness for the innumerable benefits which, as effects of
+mere grace, they have received from your incomparable bounty, but for that
+excellent wit also, prime judgment, and admirable learning wherewith
+Almighty God, the giver of all good things, hath most richly qualified and
+endowed you, we tender and present unto you the decision of this new,
+strange, and paradoxical case of Bridlegoose; who, in your presence, to
+your both hearing and seeing, hath plainly confessed his final judging and
+determinating of suits of law by the mere chance and fortune of the dice.
+Therefore do we beseech you that you may be pleased to give sentence
+therein as unto you shall seem most just and equitable.  To this Pantagruel
+answered:  Gentlemen, it is not unknown to you how my condition is somewhat
+remote from the profession of deciding law controversies; yet, seeing you
+are pleased to do me the honour to put that task upon me, instead of
+undergoing the office of a judge I will become your humble supplicant.  I
+observe, gentlemen, in this Bridlegoose several things which induce me to
+represent before you that it is my opinion he should be pardoned.  In the
+first place, his old age; secondly, his simplicity; to both which qualities
+our statute and common laws, civil and municipal together, allow many
+excuses for any slips or escapes which, through the invincible imperfection
+of either, have been inconsiderately stumbled upon by a person so
+qualified.  Thirdly, gentlemen, I must needs display before you another
+case, which in equity and justice maketh much for the advantage of
+Bridlegoose, to wit, that this one, sole, and single fault of his ought to
+be quite forgotten, abolished, and swallowed up by that immense and vast
+ocean of just dooms and sentences which heretofore he hath given and
+pronounced; his demeanours, for these forty years and upwards that he hath
+been a judge, having been so evenly balanced in the scales of uprightness,
+that envy itself till now could not have been so impudent as to accuse and
+twit him with any act worthy of a check or reprehension; as, if a drop of
+the sea were thrown into the Loire, none could perceive or say that by this
+single drop the whole river should be salt and brackish.
+
+Truly, it seemeth unto me, that in the whole series of Bridlegoose's
+juridical decrees there hath been I know not what of extraordinary
+savouring of the unspeakable benignity of God, that all those his preceding
+sentences, awards, and judgments, have been confirmed and approved of by
+yourselves in this your own venerable and sovereign court.  For it is
+usual, as you know well, with him whose ways are inscrutable, to manifest
+his own ineffable glory in blunting the perspicacy of the eyes of the wise,
+in weakening the strength of potent oppressors, in depressing the pride of
+rich extortioners, and in erecting, comforting, protecting, supporting,
+upholding, and shoring up the poor, feeble, humble, silly, and foolish ones
+of the earth.  But, waiving all these matters, I shall only beseech you,
+not by the obligations which you pretend to owe to my family, for which I
+thank you, but for that constant and unfeigned love and affection which you
+have always found in me, both on this and on the other side of Loire, for
+the maintenance and establishment of your places, offices, and dignities,
+that for this one time you would pardon and forgive him upon these two
+conditions.  First, that he satisfy, or put a sufficient surety for the
+satisfaction of the party wronged by the injustice of the sentence in
+question.  For the fulfilment of this article I will provide sufficiently.
+And, secondly, that for his subsidiary aid in the weighty charge of
+administrating justice you would be pleased to appoint and assign unto him
+some pretty little virtuous counsellor, younger, learneder, and wiser than
+he, by the square and rule of whose advice he may regulate, guide, temper,
+and moderate in times coming all his judiciary procedures; or otherwise, if
+you intend totally to depose him from his office, and to deprive him
+altogether of the state and dignity of a judge, I shall cordially entreat
+you to make a present and free gift of him to me, who shall find in my
+kingdoms charges and employments enough wherewith to embusy him, for the
+bettering of his own fortunes and furtherance of my service.  In the
+meantime, I implore the Creator, Saviour, and Sanctifier of all good
+things, in his grace, mercy, and kindness, to preserve you all now and
+evermore, world without end.
+
+These words thus spoken, Pantagruel, vailing his cap and making a leg with
+such a majestic garb as became a person of his paramount degree and
+eminency, farewelled Trinquamelle, the president and master-speaker of that
+Mirelinguesian parliament, took his leave of the whole court, and went out
+of the chamber; at the door whereof finding Panurge, Epistemon, Friar John,
+and others, he forthwith, attended by them, walked to the outer gate, where
+all of them immediately took horse to return towards Gargantua.  Pantagruel
+by the way related to them from point to point the manner of Bridlegoose's
+sententiating differences at law.  Friar John said that he had seen Peter
+Dandin, and was acquainted with him at that time when he sojourned in the
+monastery of Fontaine le Comte, under the noble Abbot Ardillon.  Gymnast
+likewise affirmed that he was in the tent of the grand Christian cavalier
+De Crissie, when the Gascon, after his sleep, made answer to the
+adventurer.  Panurge was somewhat incredulous in the matter of believing
+that it was morally possible Bridlegoose should have been for such a long
+space of time so continually fortunate in that aleatory way of deciding law
+debates.  Epistemon said to Pantagruel, Such another story, not much unlike
+to that in all the circumstances thereof, is vulgarly reported of the
+provost of Montlehery.  In good sooth, such a perpetuity of good luck is to
+be wondered at.  To have hit right twice or thrice in a judgment so given
+by haphazard might have fallen out well enough, especially in controversies
+that were ambiguous, intricate, abstruse, perplexed, and obscure.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XLIV.
+
+How Pantagruel relateth a strange history of the perplexity of human
+judgment.
+
+Seeing you talk, quoth Pantagruel, of dark, difficult, hard, and knotty
+debates, I will tell you of one controverted before Cneius Dolabella,
+proconsul in Asia.  The case was this.
+
+A wife in Smyrna had of her first husband a child named Abece.  He dying,
+she, after the expiring of a year and day, married again, and to her second
+husband bore a boy called Effege.  A pretty long time thereafter it
+happened, as you know the affection of stepfathers and stepdams is very
+rare towards the children of the first fathers and mothers deceased, that
+this husband, with the help of his son Effege, secretly, wittingly,
+willingly, and treacherously murdered Abece.  The woman came no sooner to
+get information of the fact, but, that it might not go unpunished, she
+caused kill them both, to revenge the death of her first son.  She was
+apprehended and carried before Cneius Dolabella, in whose presence she,
+without dissembling anything, confessed all that was laid to her charge;
+yet alleged that she had both right and reason on her side for the killing
+of them.  Thus was the state of the question.  He found the business so
+dubious and intricate, that he knew not what to determine therein, nor
+which of the parties to incline to.  On the one hand, it was an execrable
+crime to cut off at once both her second husband and her son.  On the other
+hand, the cause of the murder seemed to be so natural, as to be grounded
+upon the law of nations and the rational instinct of all the people of the
+world, seeing they two together had feloniously and murderously destroyed
+her first son; not that they had been in any manner of way wronged,
+outraged, or injured by him, but out of an avaricious intent to possess his
+inheritance.  In this doubtful quandary and uncertainty what to pitch upon,
+he sent to the Areopagites then sitting at Athens to learn and obtain their
+advice and judgment.  That judicious senate, very sagely perpending the
+reasons of his perplexity, sent him word to summon her personally to
+compear before him a precise hundred years thereafter, to answer to some
+interrogatories touching certain points which were not contained in the
+verbal defence.  Which resolution of theirs did import that it was in their
+opinion a so difficult and inextricable matter that they knew not what to
+say or judge therein.  Who had decided that plea by the chance and fortune
+of the dice, could not have erred nor awarded amiss on which side soever he
+had passed his casting and condemnatory sentence.  If against the woman,
+she deserved punishment for usurping sovereign authority by taking that
+vengeance at her own hand, the inflicting whereof was only competent to the
+supreme power to administer justice in criminal cases.  If for her, the
+just resentment of a so atrocious injury done unto her, in murdering her
+innocent son, did fully excuse and vindicate her of any trespass or offence
+about that particular committed by her.  But this continuation of
+Bridlegoose for so many years still hitting the nail on the head, never
+missing the mark, and always judging aright, by the mere throwing of the
+dice and chance thereof, is that which most astonisheth and amazeth me.
+
+To answer, quoth Pantagruel (Epistemon, says the English edition of 1694,
+following the reading of the modern French editions.  Le Duchat has pointed
+out the mistake.--M.), categorically to that which you wonder at, I must
+ingeniously confess and avow that I cannot; yet, conjecturally to guess at
+the reason of it, I would refer the cause of that marvellously
+long-continued happy success in the judiciary results of his definitive
+sentences to the favourable aspect of the heavens and benignity of the
+intelligences; who, out of their love to goodness, after having
+contemplated the pure simplicity and sincere unfeignedness of Judge
+Bridlegoose in the acknowledgment of his inabilities, did regulate that for
+him by chance which by the profoundest act of his maturest deliberation he
+was not able to reach unto.  That, likewise, which possibly made him to
+diffide in his own skill and capacity, notwithstanding his being an expert
+and understanding lawyer, for anything that I know to the contrary, was the
+knowledge and experience which he had of the antinomies, contrarieties,
+antilogies, contradictions, traversings, and thwartings of laws, customs,
+edicts, statutes, orders, and ordinances, in which dangerous opposition,
+equity and justice being structured and founded on either of the opposite
+terms, and a gap being thereby opened for the ushering in of injustice and
+iniquity through the various interpretations of self-ended lawyers, being
+assuredly persuaded that the infernal calumniator, who frequently
+transformeth himself into the likeness of a messenger or angel of light,
+maketh use of these cross glosses and expositions in the mouths and pens of
+his ministers and servants, the perverse advocates, bribing judges,
+law-monging attorneys, prevaricating counsellors, and other such-like
+law-wresting members of a court of justice, to turn by those means black to
+white, green to grey, and what is straight to a crooked ply.  For the more
+expedient doing whereof, these diabolical ministers make both the pleading
+parties believe that their cause is just and righteous; for it is well
+known that there is no cause, how bad soever, which doth not find an
+advocate to patrocinate and defend it,--else would there be no process in
+the world, no suits at law, nor pleadings at the bar.  He did in these
+extremities, as I conceive, most humbly recommend the direction of his
+judicial proceedings to the upright judge of judges, God Almighty; did
+submit himself to the conduct and guideship of the blessed Spirit in the
+hazard and perplexity of the definitive sentence, and, by this aleatory
+lot, did as it were implore and explore the divine decree of his goodwill
+and pleasure, instead of that which we call the final judgment of a court.
+To this effect, to the better attaining to his purpose, which was to judge
+righteously, he did, in my opinion, throw and turn the dice, to the end
+that by the providence aforesaid the best chance might fall to him whose
+action was uprightest, and backed with greatest reason.  In doing whereof
+he did not stray from the sense of Talmudists, who say that there is so
+little harm in that manner of searching the truth, that in the anxiety and
+perplexedness of human wits God oftentimes manifesteth the secret pleasure
+of his divine will.
+
+Furthermore, I will neither think nor say, nor can I believe, that the
+unstraightness is so irregular, or the corruption so evident, of those of
+the parliament of Mirelingois in Mirelingues, before whom Bridlegoose was
+arraigned for prevarication, that they will maintain it to be a worse
+practice to have the decision of a suit at law referred to the chance and
+hazard of a throw of the dice, hab nab, or luck as it will, than to have it
+remitted to and passed by the determination of those whose hands are full
+of blood and hearts of wry affections.  Besides that, their principal
+direction in all law matters comes to their hands from one Tribonian, a
+wicked, miscreant, barbarous, faithless and perfidious knave, so
+pernicious, unjust, avaricious, and perverse in his ways, that it was his
+ordinary custom to sell laws, edicts, declarations, constitutions, and
+ordinances, as at an outroop or putsale, to him who offered most for them.
+Thus did he shape measures for the pleaders, and cut their morsels to them
+by and out of these little parcels, fragments, bits, scantlings, and shreds
+of the law now in use, altogether concealing, suppressing, disannulling,
+and abolishing the remainder, which did make for the total law; fearing
+that, if the whole law were made manifest and laid open to the knowledge of
+such as are interested in it, and the learned books of the ancient doctors
+of the law upon the exposition of the Twelve Tables and Praetorian Edicts,
+his villainous pranks, naughtiness, and vile impiety should come to the
+public notice of the world.  Therefore were it better, in my conceit, that
+is to say, less inconvenient, that parties at variance in any juridical
+case should in the dark march upon caltrops than submit the determination
+of what is their right to such unhallowed sentences and horrible decrees;
+as Cato in his time wished and advised that every judiciary court should be
+paved with caltrops.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XLV.
+
+How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet.
+
+On the sixth day thereafter Pantagruel was returned home at the very same
+hour that Triboulet was by water come from Blois.  Panurge, at his arrival,
+gave him a hog's bladder puffed up with wind, and resounding because of the
+hard peas that were within it.  Moreover he did present him with a gilt
+wooden sword, a hollow budget made of a tortoise shell, an osier-wattled
+wicker-bottle full of Breton wine, and five-and-twenty apples of the
+orchard of Blandureau.
+
+If he be such a fool, quoth Carpalin, as to be won with apples, there is no
+more wit in his pate than in the head of an ordinary cabbage.  Triboulet
+girded the sword and scrip to his side, took the bladder in his hand, ate
+some few of the apples, and drunk up all the wine.  Panurge very wistly and
+heedfully looking upon him said, I never yet saw a fool, and I have seen
+ten thousand francs worth of that kind of cattle, who did not love to drink
+heartily, and by good long draughts.  When Triboulet had done with his
+drinking, Panurge laid out before him and exposed the sum of the business
+wherein he was to require his advice, in eloquent and choicely-sorted
+terms, adorned with flourishes of rhetoric.  But, before he had altogether
+done, Triboulet with his fist gave him a bouncing whirret between the
+shoulders, rendered back into his hand again the empty bottle, fillipped
+and flirted him in the nose with the hog's bladder, and lastly, for a final
+resolution, shaking and wagging his head strongly and disorderly, he
+answered nothing else but this, By God, God, mad fool, beware the monk,
+Buzansay hornpipe!  These words thus finished, he slipped himself out of
+the company, went aside, and, rattling the bladder, took a huge delight in
+the melody of the rickling crackling noise of the peas.  After which time
+it lay not in the power of them all to draw out of his chaps the articulate
+sound of one syllable, insomuch that, when Panurge went about to
+interrogate him further, Triboulet drew his wooden sword, and would have
+stuck him therewith.  I have fished fair now, quoth Panurge, and brought my
+pigs to a fine market.  Have I not got a brave determination of all my
+doubts, and a response in all things agreeable to the oracle that gave it?
+He is a great fool, that is not to be denied, yet is he a greater fool who
+brought him hither to me,--That bolt, quoth Carpalin, levels point-blank at
+me,--but of the three I am the greatest fool, who did impart the secret of
+my thoughts to such an idiot ass and native ninny.
+
+Without putting ourselves to any stir or trouble in the least, quoth
+Pantagruel, let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the gestures
+and speech which he hath made and uttered.  In them, veritably, quoth he,
+have I remarked and observed some excellent and notable mysteries; yea, of
+such important worth and weight, that I shall never henceforth be
+astonished, nor think strange, why the Turks with a great deal of worship
+and reverence honour and respect natural fools equally with their primest
+doctors, muftis, divines, and prophets.  Did not you take heed, quoth he, a
+little before he opened his mouth to speak, what a shogging, shaking, and
+wagging his head did keep?  By the approved doctrine of the ancient
+philosophers, the customary ceremonies of the most expert magicians, and
+the received opinions of the learnedest lawyers, such a brangling agitation
+and moving should by us all be judged to proceed from, and be quickened and
+suscitated by the coming and inspiration of the prophetizing and fatidical
+spirit, which, entering briskly and on a sudden into a shallow receptacle
+of a debile substance (for, as you know, and as the proverb shows it, a
+little head containeth not much brains), was the cause of that commotion.
+This is conform to what is avouched by the most skilful physicians, when
+they affirm that shakings and tremblings fall upon the members of a human
+body, partly because of the heaviness and violent impetuosity of the burden
+and load that is carried, and, other part, by reason of the weakness and
+imbecility that is in the virtue of the bearing organ.  A manifest example
+whereof appeareth in those who, fasting, are not able to carry to their
+head a great goblet full of wine without a trembling and a shaking in the
+hand that holds it.  This of old was accounted a prefiguration and mystical
+pointing out of the Pythian divineress, who used always, before the
+uttering of a response from the oracle, to shake a branch of her domestic
+laurel.  Lampridius also testifieth that the Emperor Heliogabalus, to
+acquire unto himself the reputation of a soothsayer, did, on several holy
+days of prime solemnnity, in the presence of the fanatic rabble, make the
+head of his idol by some slight within the body thereof publicly to shake.
+Plautus, in his Asinaria, declareth likewise, that Saurias, whithersoever
+he walked, like one quite distracted of his wits kept such a furious
+lolling and mad-like shaking of his head, that he commonly affrighted those
+who casually met with him in his way.  The said author in another place,
+showing a reason why Charmides shook and brangled his head, assevered that
+he was transported and in an ecstasy.  Catullus after the same manner
+maketh mention, in his Berecynthia and Atys, of the place wherein the
+Menades, Bacchical women, she-priests of the Lyaean god, and demented
+prophetesses, carrying ivy boughs in their hands, did shake their heads.
+As in the like case, amongst the Galli, the gelded priests of Cybele were
+wont to do in the celebrating of their festivals.  Whence, too, according
+to the sense of the ancient theologues, she herself has her denomination,
+for kubistan signifieth to turn round, whirl about, shake the head, and
+play the part of one that is wry-necked.
+
+Semblably Titus Livius writeth that, in the solemnization time of the
+Bacchanalian holidays at Rome, both men and women seemed to prophetize and
+vaticinate, because of an affected kind of wagging of the head, shrugging
+of the shoulders, and jectigation of the whole body, which they used then
+most punctually.  For the common voice of the philosophers, together with
+the opinion of the people, asserteth for an irrefragable truth that
+vaticination is seldom by the heavens bestowed on any without the
+concomitancy of a little frenzy and a head-shaking, not only when the said
+presaging virtue is infused, but when the person also therewith inspired
+declareth and manifesteth it unto others.  The learned lawyer Julian, being
+asked on a time if that slave might be truly esteemed to be healthful and
+in a good plight who had not only conversed with some furious, maniac, and
+enraged people, but in their company had also prophesied, yet without a
+noddle-shaking concussion, answered that, seeing there was no head-wagging
+at the time of his predictions, he might be held for sound and compotent
+enough.  Is it not daily seen how schoolmasters, teachers, tutors, and
+instructors of children shake the heads of their disciples, as one would do
+a pot in holding it by the lugs, that by this erection, vellication,
+stretching, and pulling their ears, which, according to the doctrine of the
+sage Egyptians, is a member consecrated to the memory, they may stir them
+up to recollect their scattered thoughts, bring home those fancies of
+theirs which perhaps have been extravagantly roaming abroad upon strange
+and uncouth objects, and totally range their judgments, which possibly by
+disordinate affections have been made wild, to the rule and pattern of a
+wise, discreet, virtuous, and philosophical discipline.  All which Virgil
+acknowledgeth to be true, in the branglement of Apollo Cynthius.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XLVI.
+
+How Pantagruel and Panurge diversely interpret the words of Triboulet.
+
+He says you are a fool.  And what kind of fool?  A mad fool, who in your
+old age would enslave yourself to the bondage of matrimony, and shut your
+pleasures up within a wedlock whose key some ruffian carries in his
+codpiece.  He says furthermore, Beware of the monk.  Upon mine honour, it
+gives me in my mind that you will be cuckolded by a monk.  Nay, I will
+engage mine honour, which is the most precious pawn I could have in my
+possession although I were sole and peaceable dominator over all Europe,
+Asia, and Africa, that, if you marry, you will surely be one of the horned
+brotherhood of Vulcan.  Hereby may you perceive how much I do attribute to
+the wise foolery of our morosoph Triboulet.  The other oracles and
+responses did in the general prognosticate you a cuckold, without
+descending so near to the point of a particular determination as to pitch
+upon what vocation amongst the several sorts of men he should profess who
+is to be the copesmate of your wife and hornifier of your proper self.
+Thus noble Triboulet tells it us plainly, from whose words we may gather
+with all ease imaginable that your cuckoldry is to be infamous, and so much
+the more scandalous that your conjugal bed will be incestuously
+contaminated with the filthiness of a monkery lecher.  Moreover, he says
+that you will be the hornpipe of Buzansay, that is to say, well-horned,
+hornified, and cornuted.  And, as Triboulet's uncle asked from Louis the
+Twelfth, for a younger brother of his own who lived at Blois, the hornpipes
+of Buzansay, for the organ pipes, through the mistake of one word for
+another, even so, whilst you think to marry a wise, humble, calm, discreet,
+and honest wife, you shall unhappily stumble upon one witless, proud, loud,
+obstreperous, bawling, clamorous, and more unpleasant than any Buzansay
+hornpipe.  Consider withal how he flirted you on the nose with the bladder,
+and gave you a sound thumping blow with his fist upon the ridge of the
+back.  This denotates and presageth that you shall be banged, beaten, and
+fillipped by her, and that also she will steal of your goods from you, as
+you stole the hog's bladder from the little boys of Vaubreton.
+
+Flat contrary, quoth Panurge;--not that I would impudently exempt myself
+from being a vassal in the territory of folly.  I hold of that
+jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, I confess it.  And why should I not?
+For the whole world is foolish.  In the old Lorraine language, fou for tou,
+all and fool, were the same thing.  Besides, it is avouched by Solomon that
+infinite is the number of fools.  From an infinity nothing can be deducted
+or abated, nor yet, by the testimony of Aristotle, can anything thereto be
+added or subjoined.  Therefore were I a mad fool if, being a fool, I should
+not hold myself a fool.  After the same manner of speaking, we may aver the
+number of the mad and enraged folks to be infinite.  Avicenna maketh no
+bones to assert that the several kinds of madness are infinite.  Though
+this much of Triboulet's words tend little to my advantage, howbeit the
+prejudice which I sustain thereby be common with me to all other men, yet
+the rest of his talk and gesture maketh altogether for me.  He said to my
+wife, Be wary of the monkey; that is as much as if she should be cheery,
+and take as much delight in a monkey as ever did the Lesbia of Catullus in
+her sparrow; who will for his recreation pass his time no less joyfully at
+the exercise of snatching flies than heretofore did the merciless
+fly-catcher Domitian.  Withal he meant, by another part of his discourse,
+that she should be of a jovial country-like humour, as gay and pleasing as a
+harmonious hornpipe of Saulieau or Buzansay.  The veridical Triboulet did
+therein hint at what I liked well, as perfectly knowing the inclinations and
+propensions of my mind, my natural disposition, and the bias of my interior
+passions and affections.  For you may be assured that my humour is much
+better satisfied and contented with the pretty, frolic, rural, dishevelled
+shepherdesses, whose bums through their coarse canvas smocks smell of the
+clover grass of the field, than with those great ladies in magnific courts,
+with their flandan top-knots and sultanas, their polvil, pastillos, and
+cosmetics.  The homely sound, likewise, of a rustical hornpipe is more
+agreeable to my ears than the curious warbling and musical quavering of
+lutes, theorbos, viols, rebecs, and violins.  He gave me a lusty rapping
+thwack on my back,--what then?  Let it pass, in the name and for the love of
+God, as an abatement of and deduction from so much of my future pains in
+purgatory.  He did it not out of any evil intent.  He thought, belike, to
+have hit some of the pages.  He is an honest fool, and an innocent
+changeling.  It is a sin to harbour in the heart any bad conceit of him.  As
+for myself, I heartily pardon him.  He flirted me on the nose.  In that
+there is no harm; for it importeth nothing else but that betwixt my wife and
+me there will occur some toyish wanton tricks which usually happen to all
+new-married folks.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XLVII.
+
+How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a visit to the oracle of the
+holy bottle.
+
+There is as yet another point, quoth Panurge, which you have not at all
+considered on, although it be the chief and principal head of the matter.
+He put the bottle in my hand and restored it me again.  How interpret you
+that passage?  What is the meaning of that?  He possibly, quoth Pantagruel,
+signifieth thereby that your wife will be such a drunkard as shall daily
+take in her liquor kindly, and ply the pots and bottles apace.  Quite
+otherwise, quoth Panurge; for the bottle was empty.  I swear to you, by the
+prickling brambly thorn of St. Fiacre in Brie, that our unique morosoph,
+whom I formerly termed the lunatic Triboulet, referreth me, for attaining
+to the final resolution of my scruple, to the response-giving bottle.
+Therefore do I renew afresh the first vow which I made, and here in your
+presence protest and make oath, by Styx and Acheron, to carry still
+spectacles in my cap, and never to wear a codpiece in my breeches, until
+upon the enterprise in hand of my nuptial undertaking I shall have obtained
+an answer from the holy bottle.  I am acquainted with a prudent,
+understanding, and discreet gentleman, and besides a very good friend of
+mine, who knoweth the land, country, and place where its temple and oracle
+is built and posited.  He will guide and conduct us thither sure and
+safely.  Let us go thither, I beseech you.  Deny me not, and say not nay;
+reject not the suit I make unto you, I entreat you.  I will be to you an
+Achates, a Damis, and heartily accompany you all along in the whole voyage,
+both in your going forth and coming back.  I have of a long time known you
+to be a great lover of peregrination, desirous still to learn new things,
+and still to see what you had never seen before.
+
+Very willingly, quoth Pantagruel, I condescend to your request.  But before
+we enter in upon our progress towards the accomplishment of so far a
+journey, replenished and fraught with eminent perils, full of innumerable
+hazards, and every way stored with evident and manifest dangers,--What
+dangers? quoth Panurge, interrupting him.  Dangers fly back, run from, and
+shun me whithersoever I go, seven leagues around, as in the presence of the
+sovereign a subordinate magistracy is eclipsed; or as clouds and darkness
+quite evanish at the bright coming of a radiant sun; or as all sores and
+sicknesses did suddenly depart at the approach of the body of St. Martin a
+Quande.  Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, before we adventure to set
+forwards on the road of our projected and intended voyage, some few points
+are to be discussed, expedited, and despatched.  First, let us send back
+Triboulet to Blois.  Which was instantly done, after that Pantagruel had
+given him a frieze coat.  Secondly, our design must be backed with the
+advice and counsel of the king my father.  And, lastly, it is most needful
+and expedient for us that we search for and find out some sibyl to serve us
+for a guide, truchman, and interpreter.  To this Panurge made answer, that
+his friend Xenomanes would abundantly suffice for the plenary discharge and
+performance of the sibyl's office; and that, furthermore, in passing
+through the Lanternatory revelling country, they should take along with
+them a learned and profitable Lanternesse, which would be no less useful to
+them in their voyage than was the sibyl to Aeneas in his descent to the
+Elysian fields.  Carpalin, in the interim, as he was upon the conducting
+away of Triboulet, in his passing by hearkened a little to the discourse
+they were upon; then spoke out, saying, Ho, Panurge, master freeman, take
+my Lord Debitis at Calais alongst with you, for he is goud-fallot, a good
+fellow.  He will not forget those who have been debitors; these are
+Lanternes.  Thus shall you not lack for both fallot and lanterne.  I may
+safely with the little skill I have, quoth Pantagruel, prognosticate that
+by the way we shall engender no melancholy.  I clearly perceive it already.
+The only thing that vexeth me is, that I cannot speak the Lanternatory
+language.  I shall, answered Panurge, speak for you all.  I understand it
+every whit as well as I do mine own maternal tongue; I have been no less
+used to it than to the vulgar French.
+
+  Briszmarg dalgotbrick nubstzne zos.
+  Isquebsz prusq:  albok crinqs zacbac.
+  Mizbe dilbarskz morp nipp stancz bos,
+  Strombtz, Panurge, walmap quost gruszbac.
+
+Now guess, friend Epistemon, what this is.  They are, quoth Epistemon,
+names of errant devils, passant devils, and rampant devils.  These words of
+thine, dear friend of mine, are true, quoth Panurge; yet are they terms
+used in the language of the court of the Lanternish people.  By the way, as
+we go upon our journey, I will make to thee a pretty little dictionary,
+which, notwithstanding, shall not last you much longer than a pair of new
+shoes.  Thou shalt have learned it sooner than thou canst perceive the
+dawning of the next subsequent morning.  What I have said in the foregoing
+tetrastich is thus translated out of the Lanternish tongue into our vulgar
+dialect:
+
+  All miseries attended me, whilst I
+  A lover was, and had no good thereby.
+  Of better luck the married people tell;
+  Panurge is one of those, and knows it well.
+
+There is little more, then, quoth Pantagruel, to be done, but that we
+understand what the will of the king my father will be therein, and
+purchase his consent.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XLVIII.
+
+How Gargantua showeth that the children ought not to marry without the
+special knowledge and advice of their fathers and mothers.
+
+No sooner had Pantagruel entered in at the door of the great hall of the
+castle, than that he encountered full butt with the good honest Gargantua
+coming forth from the council board, unto whom he made a succinct and
+summary narrative of what had passed and occurred, worthy of his
+observation, in his travels abroad, since their last interview; then,
+acquainting him with the design he had in hand, besought him that it might
+stand with his goodwill and pleasure to grant him leave to prosecute and go
+through-stitch with the enterprise which he had undertaken.  The good man
+Gargantua, having in one hand two great bundles of petitions endorsed and
+answered, and in the other some remembrancing notes and bills, to put him
+in mind of such other requests of supplicants, which, albeit presented, had
+nevertheless been neither read nor heard, he gave both to Ulric Gallet, his
+ancient and faithful Master of Requests; then drew aside Pantagruel, and,
+with a countenance more serene and jovial than customary, spoke to him
+thus:  I praise God, and have great reason so to do, my most dear son, that
+he hath been pleased to entertain in you a constant inclination to virtuous
+actions.  I am well content that the voyage which you have motioned to me
+be by you accomplished, but withal I could wish you would have a mind and
+desire to marry, for that I see you are of competent years.  Panurge in the
+meanwhile was in a readiness of preparing and providing for remedies,
+salves, and cures against all such lets, obstacles, and impediments as he
+could in the height of his fancy conceive might by Gargantua be cast in the
+way of their itinerary design.  Is it your pleasure, most dear father, that
+you speak? answered Pantagruel.  For my part, I have not yet thought upon
+it.  In all this affair I wholly submit and rest in your good liking and
+paternal authority.  For I shall rather pray unto God that he would throw
+me down stark dead at your feet, in your pleasure, than that against your
+pleasure I should be found married alive.  I never yet heard that by any
+law, whether sacred or profane, yea, amongst the rudest and most barbarous
+nations in the world, it was allowed and approved of that children may be
+suffered and tolerated to marry at their own goodwill and pleasure, without
+the knowledge, advice, or consent asked and had thereto of their fathers,
+mothers, and nearest kindred.  All legislators, everywhere upon the face of
+the whole earth, have taken away and removed this licentious liberty from
+children, and totally reserved it to the discretion of the parents.
+
+My dearly beloved son, quoth Gargantua, I believe you, and from my heart
+thank God for having endowed you with the grace of having both a perfect
+notice of and entire liking to laudable and praiseworthy things; and that
+through the windows of your exterior senses he hath vouchsafed to transmit
+unto the interior faculties of your mind nothing but what is good and
+virtuous.  For in my time there hath been found on the continent a certain
+country, wherein are I know not what kind of Pastophorian mole-catching
+priests, who, albeit averse from engaging their proper persons into a
+matrimonial duty, like the pontifical flamens of Cybele in Phrygia, as if
+they were capons, and not cocks full of lasciviousness, salacity, and
+wantonness, who yet have, nevertheless, in the matter of conjugal affairs,
+taken upon them to prescribe laws and ordinances to married folks.  I
+cannot goodly determine what I should most abhor, detest, loathe, and
+abominate,--whether the tyrannical presumption of those dreaded sacerdotal
+mole-catchers, who, not being willing to contain and coop up themselves
+within the grates and trellises of their own mysterious temples, do deal
+in, meddle with, obtrude upon, and thrust their sickles into harvests of
+secular businesses quite contrary and diametrically opposite to the
+quality, state, and condition of their callings, professions, and
+vocations; or the superstitious stupidity and senseless scrupulousness of
+married folks, who have yielded obedience, and submitted their bodies,
+fortunes, and estates to the discretion and authority of such odious,
+perverse, barbarous, and unreasonable laws.  Nor do they see that which is
+clearer than the light and splendour of the morning star,--how all these
+nuptial and connubial sanctions, statutes, and ordinances have been
+decreed, made, and instituted for the sole benefit, profit, and advantage
+of the flaminal mysts and mysterious flamens, and nothing at all for the
+good, utility, or emolument of the silly hoodwinked married people.  Which
+administereth unto others a sufficient cause for rendering these churchmen
+suspicious of iniquity, and of an unjust and fraudulent manner of dealing,
+no more to be connived at nor countenanced, after that it be well weighed
+in the scales of reason, than if with a reciprocal temerity the laics, by
+way of compensation, would impose laws to be followed and observed by those
+mysts and flamens, how they should behave themselves in the making and
+performance of their rites and ceremonies, and after what manner they ought
+to proceed in the offering up and immolating of their various oblations,
+victims, and sacrifices; seeing that, besides the decimation and
+tithe-haling of their goods, they cut off and take parings, shreddings, and
+clippings of the gain proceeding from the labour of their hands and sweat
+of their brows, therewith to entertain themselves the better.  Upon which
+consideration, in my opinion, their injunctions and commands would not
+prove so pernicious and impertinent as those of the ecclesiastic power unto
+which they had tendered their blind obedience.  For, as you have very well
+said, there is no place in the world where, legally, a licence is granted
+to the children to marry without the advice and consent of their parents
+and kindred.  Nevertheless, by those wicked laws and mole-catching customs,
+whereat there is a little hinted in what I have already spoken to you,
+there is no scurvy, measly, leprous, or pocky ruffian, pander, knave,
+rogue, skellum, robber, or thief, pilloried, whipped, and burn-marked in
+his own country for his crimes and felonies, who may not violently snatch
+away and ravish what maid soever he had a mind to pitch upon, how noble,
+how fair, how rich, honest, and chaste soever she be, and that out of the
+house of her own father, in his own presence, from the bosom of her mother,
+and in the sight and despite of her friends and kindred looking on a so
+woeful spectacle, provided that the rascal villain be so cunning as to
+associate unto himself some mystical flamen, who, according to the covenant
+made betwixt them two, shall be in hope some day to participate of the
+prey.
+
+Could the Goths, the Scyths, or Massagets do a worse or more cruel act to
+any of the inhabitants of a hostile city, when, after the loss of many of
+their most considerable commanders, the expense of a great deal of money,
+and a long siege, they shall have stormed and taken it by a violent and
+impetuous assault?  May not these fathers and mothers, think you, be
+sorrowful and heavy-hearted when they see an unknown fellow, a vagabond
+stranger, a barbarous lout, a rude cur, rotten, fleshless, putrified,
+scraggy, boily, botchy, poor, a forlorn caitiff and miserable sneak, by an
+open rapt snatch away before their own eyes their so fair, delicate, neat,
+well-behavioured, richly-provided-for and healthful daughters, on whose
+breeding and education they had spared no cost nor charges, by bringing
+them up in an honest discipline to all the honourable and virtuous
+employments becoming one of their sex descended of a noble parentage,
+hoping by those commendable and industrious means in an opportune and
+convenient time to bestow them on the worthy sons of their well-deserving
+neighbours and ancient friends, who had nourished, entertained, taught,
+instructed, and schooled their children with the same care and solicitude,
+to make them matches fit to attain to the felicity of a so happy marriage,
+that from them might issue an offspring and progeny no less heirs to the
+laudable endowments and exquisite qualifications of their parents, whom
+they every way resemble, than to their personal and real estates, movables,
+and inheritances?  How doleful, trist, and plangorous would such a sight
+and pageantry prove unto them?  You shall not need to think that the
+collachrymation of the Romans and their confederates at the decease of
+Germanicus Drusus was comparable to this lamentation of theirs?  Neither
+would I have you to believe that the discomfort and anxiety of the
+Lacedaemonians, when the Greek Helen, by the perfidiousness of the
+adulterous Trojan, Paris, was privily stolen away out of their country, was
+greater or more pitiful than this ruthful and deplorable collugency of
+theirs?  You may very well imagine that Ceres at the ravishment of her
+daughter Proserpina was not more attristed, sad, nor mournful than they.
+Trust me, and your own reason, that the loss of Osiris was not so
+regrettable to Isis, nor did Venus so deplore the death of Adonis, nor yet
+did Hercules so bewail the straying of Hylas, nor was the rapt of Polyxena
+more throbbingly resented and condoled by Priamus and Hecuba, than this
+aforesaid accident would be sympathetically bemoaned, grievous, ruthful,
+and anxious to the woefully desolate and disconsolate parents.
+
+Notwithstanding all this, the greater part of so vilely abused parents are
+so timorous and afraid of devils and hobgoblins, and so deeply plunged in
+superstition, that they dare not gainsay nor contradict, much less oppose
+and resist those unnatural and impious actions, when the mole-catcher hath
+been present at the perpetrating of the fact, and a party contractor and
+covenanter in that detestable bargain.  What do they do then?  They
+wretchedly stay at their own miserable homes, destitute of their
+well-beloved daughters, the fathers cursing the days and the hours wherein
+they were married, and the mothers howling and crying that it was not their
+fortune to have brought forth abortive issues when they happened to be
+delivered of such unfortunate girls, and in this pitiful plight spend at
+best the remainder of their time with tears and weeping for those their
+children, of and from whom they expected, (and, with good reason, should
+have obtained and reaped,) in these latter days of theirs, joy and comfort.
+Other parents there have been, so impatient of that affront and indignity
+put upon them and their families, that, transported with the extremity of
+passion, in a mad and frantic mood, through the vehemency of a grievous
+fury and raging sorrow, have drowned, hanged, killed, and otherwise put
+violent hands on themselves.  Others, again, of that parental relation
+have, upon the reception of the like injury, been of a more magnanimous and
+heroic spirit, who, in imitation and at the example of the children of
+Jacob revenging upon the Sichemites the rapt of their sister Dinah, having
+found the rascally ruffian in the association of his mystical mole-catcher
+closely and in hugger-mugger conferring, parleying, and coming with their
+daughters, for the suborning, corrupting, depraving, perverting, and
+enticing these innocent unexperienced maids unto filthy lewdnesses, have,
+without any further advisement on the matter, cut them instantly into
+pieces, and thereupon forthwith thrown out upon the fields their so
+dismembered bodies, to serve for food unto the wolves and ravens.  Upon the
+chivalrous, bold, and courageous achievement of a so valiant, stout, and
+manlike act, the other mole-catching symmysts have been so highly incensed,
+and have so chafed, fretted, and fumed thereat, that, bills of complaint
+and accusations having been in a most odious and detestable manner put in
+before the competent judges, the arm of secular authority hath with much
+importunity and impetuosity been by them implored and required, they
+proudly contending that the servants of God would become contemptible if
+exemplary punishment were not speedily taken upon the persons of the
+perpetrators of such an enormous, horrid, sacrilegious, crying, heinous,
+and execrable crime.
+
+Yet neither by natural equity, by the law of nations, nor by any imperial
+law whatsoever, hath there been found so much as one rubric, paragraph,
+point, or tittle, by the which any kind of chastisement or correction hath
+been adjudged due to be inflicted upon any for their delinquency in that
+kind.  Reason opposeth, and nature is repugnant.  For there is no virtuous
+man in the world who both naturally and with good reason will not be more
+hugely troubled in mind, hearing of the news of the rapt, disgrace,
+ignominy, and dishonour of his daughter, than of her death.  Now any man,
+finding in hot blood one who with a forethought felony hath murdered his
+daughter, may, without tying himself to the formalities and circumstances
+of a legal proceeding, kill him on a sudden and out of hand without
+incurring any hazard of being attainted and apprehended by the officers of
+justice for so doing.  What wonder is it then?  Or how little strange
+should it appear to any rational man, if a lechering rogue, together with
+his mole-catching abettor, be entrapped in the flagrant act of suborning
+his daughter, and stealing her out of his house, though herself consent
+thereto, that the father in such a case of stain and infamy by them brought
+upon his family, should put them both to a shameful death, and cast their
+carcasses upon dunghills to be devoured and eaten up by dogs and swine, or
+otherwise fling them a little further off to the direption, tearing, and
+rending asunder of their joints and members by the wild beasts of the field
+(as unworthy to receive the gentle, the desired, the last kind embraces of
+the great Alma Mater, the earth, commonly called burial).
+
+Dearly beloved son, have an especial care that after my decease none of
+these laws be received in any of your kingdoms; for whilst I breathe, by
+the grace and assistance of God, I shall give good order.  Seeing,
+therefore, you have totally referred unto my discretion the disposure of
+you in marriage, I am fully of an opinion that I shall provide sufficiently
+well for you in that point.  Make ready and prepare yourself for Panurge's
+voyage.  Take along with you Epistemon, Friar John, and such others as you
+will choose.  Do with my treasures what unto yourself shall seem most
+expedient.  None of your actions, I promise you, can in any manner of way
+displease me.  Take out of my arsenal Thalasse whatsoever equipage,
+furniture, or provision you please, together with such pilots, mariners,
+and truchmen as you have a mind to, and with the first fair and favourable
+wind set sail and make out to sea in the name of God our Saviour.  In the
+meanwhile, during your absence, I shall not be neglective of providing a
+wife for you, nor of those preparations which are requisite to be made for
+the more sumptuous solemnizing of your nuptials with a most splendid feast,
+if ever there was any in the world, since the days of Ahasuerus.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.XLIX.
+
+How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to sea; and of the herb
+named Pantagruelion.
+
+Within very few days after that Pantagruel had taken his leave of the good
+Gargantua, who devoutly prayed for his son's happy voyage, he arrived at
+the seaport, near to Sammalo, accompanied with Panurge, Epistemon, Friar
+John of the Funnels, Abbot of Theleme, and others of the royal house,
+especially with Xenomanes the great traveller and thwarter of dangerous
+ways, who was come at the bidding and appointment of Panurge, of whose
+castlewick of Salmigondin he did hold some petty inheritance by the tenure
+of a mesne fee.  Pantagruel, being come thither, prepared and made ready
+for launching a fleet of ships, to the number of those which Ajax of
+Salamine had of old equipped in convoy of the Grecian soldiery against the
+Trojan state.  He likewise picked out for his use so many mariners, pilots,
+sailors, interpreters, artificers, officers, and soldiers, as he thought
+fitting, and therewithal made provision of so much victuals of all sorts,
+artillery, munition of divers kinds, clothes, moneys, and other such
+luggage, stuff, baggage, chaffer, and furniture, as he deemed needful for
+carrying on the design of a so tedious, long, and perilous voyage.  Amongst
+other things, it was observed how he caused some of his vessels to be
+fraught and loaded with a great quantity of an herb of his called
+Pantagruelion, not only of the green and raw sort of it, but of the
+confected also, and of that which was notably well befitted for present use
+after the fashion of conserves.  The herb Pantagruelion hath a little root
+somewhat hard and rough, roundish, terminating in an obtuse and very blunt
+point, and having some of its veins, strings, or filaments coloured with
+some spots of white, never fixeth itself into the ground above the
+profoundness almost of a cubit, or foot and a half.  From the root thereof
+proceedeth the only stalk, orbicular, cane-like, green without, whitish
+within, and hollow like the stem of smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, and
+gentian, full of long threads, straight, easy to be broken, jagged,
+snipped, nicked, and notched a little after the manner of pillars and
+columns, slightly furrowed, chamfered, guttered, and channelled, and full
+of fibres, or hairs like strings, in which consisteth the chief value and
+dignity of the herb, especially in that part thereof which is termed mesa,
+as he would say the mean, and in that other, which hath got the
+denomination of milasea.  Its height is commonly of five or six foot.  Yet
+sometimes it is of such a tall growth as doth surpass the length of a
+lance, but that is only when it meeteth with a sweet, easy, warm, wet, and
+well-soaked soil--as is the ground of the territory of Olone, and that of
+Rasea, near to Preneste in Sabinia--and that it want not for rain enough
+about the season of the fishers' holidays and the estival solstice.  There
+are many trees whose height is by it very far exceeded, and you might call
+it dendromalache by the authority of Theophrastus.  The plant every year
+perisheth,--the tree neither in the trunk, root, bark, or boughs being
+durable.
+
+From the stalk of this Pantagruelian plant there issue forth several large
+and great branches, whose leaves have thrice as much length as breadth,
+always green, roughish, and rugged like the orcanet, or Spanish bugloss,
+hardish, slit round about like unto a sickle, or as the saxifragum, betony,
+and finally ending as it were in the points of a Macedonian spear, or of
+such a lancet as surgeons commonly make use of in their phlebotomizing
+tiltings.  The figure and shape of the leaves thereof is not much different
+from that of those of the ash-tree, or of agrimony; the herb itself being
+so like the Eupatorian plant that many skilful herbalists have called it
+the Domestic Eupator, and the Eupator the Wild Pantagruelion.  These leaves
+are in equal and parallel distances spread around the stalk by the number
+in every rank either of five or seven, nature having so highly favoured and
+cherished this plant that she hath richly adorned it with these two odd,
+divine, and mysterious numbers.  The smell thereof is somewhat strong, and
+not very pleasing to nice, tender, and delicate noses.  The seed enclosed
+therein mounteth up to the very top of its stalk, and a little above it.
+
+This is a numerous herb; for there is no less abundance of it than of any
+other whatsoever.  Some of these plants are spherical, some rhomboid, and
+some of an oblong shape, and all of those either black, bright-coloured, or
+tawny, rude to the touch, and mantled with a quickly-blasted-away coat, yet
+such a one as is of a delicious taste and savour to all shrill and
+sweetly-singing birds, such as linnets, goldfinches, larks, canary birds,
+yellow-hammers, and others of that airy chirping choir; but it would quite
+extinguish the natural heat and procreative virtue of the semence of any
+man who would eat much and often of it.  And although that of old amongst
+the Greeks there was certain kinds of fritters and pancakes, buns and
+tarts, made thereof, which commonly for a liquorish daintiness were
+presented on the table after supper to delight the palate and make the wine
+relish the better; yet is it of a difficult concoction, and offensive to
+the stomach.  For it engendereth bad and unwholesome blood, and with its
+exorbitant heat woundeth them with grievous, hurtful, smart, and noisome
+vapours.  And, as in divers plants and trees there are two sexes, male and
+female, which is perceptible in laurels, palms, cypresses, oaks, holms, the
+daffodil, mandrake, fern, the agaric, mushroom, birthwort, turpentine,
+pennyroyal, peony, rose of the mount, and many other such like, even so in
+this herb there is a male which beareth no flower at all, yet it is very
+copious of and abundant in seed.  There is likewise in it a female, which
+hath great store and plenty of whitish flowers, serviceable to little or no
+purpose, nor doth it carry in it seed of any worth at all, at least
+comparable to that of the male.  It hath also a larger leaf, and much
+softer than that of the male, nor doth it altogether grow to so great a
+height.  This Pantagruelion is to be sown at the first coming of the
+swallows, and is to be plucked out of the ground when the grasshoppers
+begin to be a little hoarse.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.L.
+
+How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought.
+
+The herb Pantagruelion, in September, under the autumnal equinox, is
+dressed and prepared several ways, according to the various fancies of the
+people and diversity of the climates wherein it groweth.  The first
+instruction which Pantagruel gave concerning it was to divest and despoil
+the stalk and stem thereof of all its flowers and seeds, to macerate and
+mortify it in pond, pool, or lake water, which is to be made run a little
+for five days together (Properly--'lake water, which is to be made
+stagnant, not current, for five days together.'--M.) if the season be dry
+and the water hot, or for full nine or twelve days if the weather be
+cloudish and the water cold.  Then must it be parched before the sun till
+it be drained of its moisture.  After this it is in the shadow, where the
+sun shines not, to be peeled and its rind pulled off.  Then are the fibres
+and strings thereof to be parted, wherein, as we have already said,
+consisteth its prime virtue, price, and efficacy, and severed from the
+woody part thereof, which is unprofitable, and serveth hardly to any other
+use than to make a clear and glistering blaze, to kindle the fire, and for
+the play, pastime, and disport of little children, to blow up hogs'
+bladders and make them rattle.  Many times some use is made thereof by
+tippling sweet-lipped bibbers, who out of it frame quills and pipes,
+through which they with their liquor-attractive breath suck up the new
+dainty wine from the bung of the barrel.  Some modern Pantagruelists, to
+shun and avoid that manual labour which such a separating and partitional
+work would of necessity require, employ certain cataractic instruments,
+composed and formed after the same manner that the froward, pettish, and
+angry Juno did hold the fingers of both her hands interwovenly clenched
+together when she would have hindered the childbirth delivery of Alcmena at
+the nativity of Hercules; and athwart those cataracts they break and bruise
+to very trash the woody parcels, thereby to preserve the better the fibres,
+which are the precious and excellent parts.  In and with this sole
+operation do these acquiesce and are contented, who, contrary to the
+received opinion of the whole earth, and in a manner paradoxical to all
+philosophers, gain their livelihoods backwards, and by recoiling.  But
+those that love to hold it at a higher rate, and prize it according to its
+value, for their own greater profit do the very same which is told us of
+the recreation of the three fatal sister Parcae, or of the nocturnal
+exercise of the noble Circe, or yet of the excuse which Penelope made to
+her fond wooing youngsters and effeminate courtiers during the long absence
+of her husband Ulysses.
+
+By these means is this herb put into a way to display its inestimable
+virtues, whereof I will discover a part; for to relate all is a thing
+impossible to do.  I have already interpreted and exposed before you the
+denomination thereof.  I find that plants have their names given and
+bestowed upon them after several ways.  Some got the name of him who first
+found them out, knew them, sowed them, improved them by culture, qualified
+them to tractability, and appropriated them to the uses and subserviences
+they were fit for, as the Mercuriale from Mercury; Panacea from Panace, the
+daughter of Aesculapius; Armois from Artemis, who is Diana; Eupatoria from
+the king Eupator; Telephion from Telephus; Euphorbium from Euphorbus, King
+Juba's physician; Clymenos from Clymenus; Alcibiadium from Alcibiades;
+Gentiane from Gentius, King of Sclavonia, and so forth, through a great
+many other herbs or plants.  Truly, in ancient times this prerogative of
+imposing the inventor's name upon an herb found out by him was held in a so
+great account and estimation, that, as a controversy arose betwixt Neptune
+and Pallas from which of them two that land should receive its denomination
+which had been equally found out by them both together--though thereafter
+it was called and had the appellation of Athens, from Athene, which is
+Minerva--just so would Lynceus, King of Scythia, have treacherously slain
+the young Triptolemus, whom Ceres had sent to show unto mankind the
+invention of corn, which until then had been utterly unknown, to the end
+that, after the murder of the messenger, whose death he made account to
+have kept secret, he might, by imposing, with the less suspicion of false
+dealing, his own name upon the said found out seed, acquire unto himself an
+immortal honour and glory for having been the inventor of a grain so
+profitable and necessary to and for the use of human life.  For the
+wickedness of which treasonable attempt he was by Ceres transformed into
+that wild beast which by some is called a lynx and by others an ounce.
+Such also was the ambition of others upon the like occasion, as appeareth
+by that very sharp wars and of a long continuance have been made of old
+betwixt some residentiary kings in Cappadocia upon this only debate, of
+whose name a certain herb should have the appellation; by reason of which
+difference, so troublesome and expensive to them all, it was by them called
+Polemonion, and by us for the same cause termed Make-bate.
+
+Other herbs and plants there are which retain the names of the countries
+from whence they were transported, as the Median apples from Media, where
+they first grew; Punic apples from Punicia, that is to say, Carthage;
+Ligusticum, which we call lovage, from Liguria, the coast of Genoa; Rhubarb
+from a flood in Barbary, as Ammianus attesteth, called Ru; Santonica from a
+region of that name; Fenugreek from Greece; Gastanes from a country so
+called; Persicaria from Persia; Sabine from a territory of that
+appellation; Staechas from the Staechad Islands; Spica Celtica from the
+land of the Celtic Gauls, and so throughout a great many other, which were
+tedious to enumerate.  Some others, again, have obtained their
+denominations by way of antiphrasis, or contrariety; as Absinth, because it
+is contrary to Psinthos, for it is bitter to the taste in drinking;
+Holosteon, as if it were all bones, whilst, on the contrary, there is no
+frailer, tenderer, nor brittler herb in the whole production of nature than
+it.
+
+There are some other sorts of herbs which have got their names from their
+virtues and operations, as Aristolochia, because it helpeth women in
+childbirth; Lichen, for that it cureth the disease of that name; Mallow,
+because it mollifieth; Callithricum, because it maketh the hair of a bright
+colour; Alyssum, Ephemerum, Bechium, Nasturtium, Aneban (Henbane), and so
+forth through many more.
+
+Other some there are which have obtained their names from the admirable
+qualities that are found to be in them, as Heliotropium, which is the
+marigold, because it followeth the sun, so that at the sun rising it
+displayeth and spreads itself out, at his ascending it mounteth, at his
+declining it waneth, and when he is set it is close shut; Adianton,
+because, although it grow near unto watery places, and albeit you should
+let it lie in water a long time, it will nevertheless retain no moisture
+nor humidity; Hierachia, Eringium, and so throughout a great many more.
+There are also a great many herbs and plants which have retained the very
+same names of the men and women who have been metamorphosed and transformed
+in them, as from Daphne the laurel is called also Daphne; Myrrh from
+Myrrha, the daughter of Cinarus; Pythis from Pythis; Cinara, which is the
+artichoke, from one of that name; Narcissus, with Saffron, Smilax, and
+divers others.
+
+Many herbs likewise have got their names of those things which they seem to
+have some resemblance to; as Hippuris, because it hath the likeness of a
+horse's tail; Alopecuris, because it representeth in similitude the tail of
+a fox; Psyllion, from a flea which it resembleth; Delphinium, for that it
+is like a dolphin fish; Bugloss is so called because it is an herb like an
+ox's tongue; Iris, so called because in its flowers it hath some
+resemblance of the rainbow; Myosota, because it is like the ear of a mouse;
+Coronopus, for that it is of the likeness of a crow's foot.  A great many
+other such there are, which here to recite were needless.  Furthermore, as
+there are herbs and plants which have had their names from those of men, so
+by a reciprocal denomination have the surnames of many families taken their
+origin from them, as the Fabii, a fabis, beans; the Pisons, a pisis, peas;
+the Lentuli from lentils; the Cicerons; a ciceribus, vel ciceris, a sort of
+pulse called chickpease, and so forth.  In some plants and herbs the
+resemblance or likeness hath been taken from a higher mark or object, as
+when we say Venus' navel, Venus' hair, Venus' tub, Jupiter's beard,
+Jupiter's eye, Mars' blood, the Hermodactyl or Mercury's fingers, which are
+all of them names of herbs, as there are a great many more of the like
+appellation.  Others, again, have received their denomination from their
+forms, such as the Trefoil, because it is three-leaved; Pentaphylon, for
+having five leaves; Serpolet, because it creepeth along the ground;
+Helxine, Petast, Myrobalon, which the Arabians called Been, as if you would
+say an acorn, for it hath a kind of resemblance thereto, and withal is very
+oily.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.LI.
+
+Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the admirable virtues thereof.
+
+By such-like means of attaining to a denomination--the fabulous ways being
+only from thence excepted, for the Lord forbid that we should make use of
+any fables in this a so veritable history--is this herb called
+Pantagruelion, for Pantagruel was the inventor thereof.  I do not say of
+the plant itself, but of a certain use which it serves for, exceeding
+odious and hateful to thieves and robbers, unto whom it is more contrarious
+and hurtful than the strangle-weed and chokefitch is to the flax, the
+cats-tail to the brakes, the sheave-grass to the mowers of hay, the fitches
+to the chickney-pease, the darnel to barley, the hatchet-fitch to the lentil
+pulse, the antramium to the beans, tares to wheat, ivy to walls, the
+water-lily to lecherous monks, the birchen rod to the scholars of the
+college of Navarre in Paris, colewort to the vine-tree, garlic to the
+loadstone, onions to the sight, fern-seed to women with child, willow-grain
+to vicious nuns, the yew-tree shade to those that sleep under it, wolfsbane
+to wolves and libbards, the smell of fig-tree to mad bulls, hemlock to
+goslings, purslane to the teeth, or oil to trees.  For we have seen many of
+those rogues, by virtue and right application of this herb, finish their
+lives short and long, after the manner of Phyllis, Queen of Thracia, of
+Bonosus, Emperor of Rome, of Amata, King Latinus's wife, of Iphis,
+Autolycus, Lycambe, Arachne, Phaedra, Leda, Achius, King of Lydia, and many
+thousands more, who were chiefly angry and vexed at this disaster therein,
+that, without being otherwise sick or evil-disposed in their bodies, by a
+touch only of the Pantagruelion they came on a sudden to have the passage
+obstructed, and their pipes, through which were wont to bolt so many jolly
+sayings and to enter so many luscious morsels, stopped, more cleverly than
+ever could have done the squinancy.
+
+Others have been heard most woefully to lament, at the very instant when
+Atropos was about to cut the thread of their life, that Pantagruel held
+them by the gorge.  But, well-a-day, it was not Pantagruel; he never was an
+executioner.  It was the Pantagruelion, manufactured and fashioned into an
+halter; and serving in the place and office of a cravat.  In that, verily,
+they solecized and spoke improperly, unless you would excuse them by a
+trope, which alloweth us to posit the inventor in the place of the thing
+invented, as when Ceres is taken for bread, and Bacchus put instead of
+wine.  I swear to you here, by the good and frolic words which are to issue
+out of that wine-bottle which is a-cooling below in the copper vessel full
+of fountain water, that the noble Pantagruel never snatched any man by the
+throat, unless it was such a one as was altogether careless and neglective
+of those obviating remedies which were preventive of the thirst to come.
+
+It is also termed Pantagruelion by a similitude.  For Pantagruel, at the
+very first minute of his birth, was no less tall than this herb is long
+whereof I speak unto you, his measure having been then taken the more easy
+that he was born in the season of the great drought, when they were busiest
+in the gathering of the said herb, to wit, at that time when Icarus's dog,
+with his fiery bawling and barking at the sun, maketh the whole world
+Troglodytic, and enforceth people everywhere to hide themselves in dens and
+subterranean caves.  It is likewise called Pantagruelion because of the
+notable and singular qualities, virtues, and properties thereof.  For as
+Pantagruel hath been the idea, pattern, prototype, and exemplary of all
+jovial perfection and accomplishment--in the truth whereof I believe there
+is none of you gentlemen drinkers that putteth any question--so in this
+Pantagruelion have I found so much efficacy and energy, so much
+completeness and excellency, so much exquisiteness and rarity, and so many
+admirable effects and operations of a transcendent nature, that if the
+worth and virtue thereof had been known when those trees, by the relation
+of the prophet, made election of a wooden king to rule and govern over
+them, it without all doubt would have carried away from all the rest the
+plurality of votes and suffrages.
+
+Shall I yet say more?  If Oxylus, the son of Orius, had begotten this plant
+upon his sister Hamadryas, he had taken more delight in the value and
+perfection of it alone than in all his eight children, so highly renowned
+by our ablest mythologians that they have sedulously recommended their
+names to the never-failing tuition of an eternal remembrance.  The eldest
+child was a daughter, whose name was Vine; the next born was a boy, and his
+name was Fig-tree; the third was called Walnut-tree; the fourth Oak; the
+fifth Sorbapple-tree; the sixth Ash; the seventh Poplar, and the last had
+the name of Elm, who was the greatest surgeon in his time.  I shall forbear
+to tell you how the juice or sap thereof, being poured and distilled within
+the ears, killeth every kind of vermin that by any manner of putrefaction
+cometh to be bred and engendered there, and destroyeth also any whatsoever
+other animal that shall have entered in thereat.  If, likewise, you put a
+little of the said juice within a pail or bucket full of water, you shall
+see the water instantly turn and grow thick therewith as if it were
+milk-curds, whereof the virtue is so great that the water thus curded is a
+present remedy for horses subject to the colic, and such as strike at their
+own flanks.  The root thereof well boiled mollifieth the joints, softeneth
+the hardness of shrunk-in sinews, is every way comfortable to the nerves,
+and good against all cramps and convulsions, as likewise all cold and
+knotty gouts.  If you would speedily heal a burning, whether occasioned by
+water or fire, apply thereto a little raw Pantagruelion, that is to say,
+take it so as it cometh out of the ground, without bestowing any other
+preparation or composition upon it; but have a special care to change it
+for some fresher in lieu thereof as soon as you shall find it waxing dry
+upon the sore.
+
+Without this herb kitchens would be detested, the tables of dining-rooms
+abhorred, although there were great plenty and variety of most dainty and
+sumptuous dishes of meat set down upon them, and the choicest beds also,
+how richly soever adorned with gold, silver, amber, ivory, porphyry, and
+the mixture of most precious metals, would without it yield no delight or
+pleasure to the reposers in them.  Without it millers could neither carry
+wheat, nor any other kind of corn to the mill, nor would they be able to
+bring back from thence flour, or any other sort of meal whatsoever.
+Without it, how could the papers and writs of lawyers' clients be brought
+to the bar?  Seldom is the mortar, lime, or plaster brought to the
+workhouse without it.  Without it, how should the water be got out of a
+draw-well?  In what case would tabellions, notaries, copists, makers of
+counterpanes, writers, clerks, secretaries, scriveners, and such-like
+persons be without it?  Were it not for it, what would become of the
+toll-rates and rent-rolls?  Would not the noble art of printing perish
+without it?  Whereof could the chassis or paper-windows be made?  How should
+the bells be rung?  The altars of Isis are adorned therewith, the
+Pastophorian priests are therewith clad and accoutred, and whole human
+nature covered and wrapped therein at its first position and production in
+and into this world.  All the lanific trees of Seres, the bumbast and cotton
+bushes in the territories near the Persian Sea and Gulf of Bengala, the
+Arabian swans, together with the plants of Malta, do not all the them
+clothe, attire, and apparel so many persons as this one herb alone.
+Soldiers are nowadays much better sheltered under it than they were in
+former times, when they lay in tents covered with skins.  It overshadows the
+theatres and amphitheatres from the heat of a scorching sun.  It begirdeth
+and encompasseth forests, chases, parks, copses, and groves, for the
+pleasure of hunters.  It descendeth into the salt and fresh of both sea and
+river-waters for the profit of fishers.  By it are boots of all sizes,
+buskins, gamashes, brodkins, gambadoes, shoes, pumps, slippers, and every
+cobbled ware wrought and made steadable for the use of man.  By it the butt
+and rover-bows are strung, the crossbows bended, and the slings made fixed.
+And, as if it were an herb every whit as holy as the vervain, and reverenced
+by ghosts, spirits, hobgoblins, fiends, and phantoms, the bodies of deceased
+men are never buried without it.
+
+I will proceed yet further.  By the means of this fine herb the invisible
+substances are visibly stopped, arrested, taken, detained, and
+prisoner-like committed to their receptive gaols.  Heavy and ponderous
+weights are by it heaved, lifted up, turned, veered, drawn, carried, and
+every way moved quickly, nimbly, and easily, to the great profit and
+emolument of humankind.  When I perpend with myself these and such-like
+marvellous effects of this wonderful herb, it seemeth strange unto me how
+the invention of so useful a practice did escape through so many by-past
+ages the knowledge of the ancient philosophers, considering the inestimable
+utility which from thence proceeded, and the immense labour which without it
+they did undergo in their pristine elucubrations.  By virtue thereof,
+through the retention of some aerial gusts, are the huge rambarges, mighty
+galleons, the large floats, the Chiliander, the Myriander ships launched
+from their stations and set a-going at the pleasure and arbitrament of their
+rulers, conders, and steersmen.  By the help thereof those remote nations
+whom nature seemed so unwilling to have discovered to us, and so desirous to
+have kept them still in abscondito and hidden from us, that the ways through
+which their countries were to be reached unto were not only totally unknown,
+but judged also to be altogether impermeable and inaccessible, are now
+arrived to us, and we to them.
+
+Those voyages outreached flights of birds and far surpassed the scope of
+feathered fowls, how swift soever they had been on the wing, and
+notwithstanding that advantage which they have of us in swimming through
+the air.  Taproban hath seen the heaths of Lapland, and both the Javas and
+Riphaean mountains; wide distant Phebol shall see Theleme, and the
+Islanders drink of the flood Euphrates.  By it the chill-mouthed Boreas
+hath surveyed the parched mansions of the torrid Auster, and Eurus visited
+the regions which Zephyrus hath under his command; yea, in such sort have
+interviews been made by the assistance of this sacred herb, that, maugre
+longitudes and latitudes, and all the variations of the zones, the
+Periaecian people, and Antoecian, Amphiscian, Heteroscian, and Periscian
+had oft rendered and received mutual visits to and from other, upon all the
+climates.  These strange exploits bred such astonishment to the celestial
+intelligences, to all the marine and terrestrial gods, that they were on a
+sudden all afraid.  From which amazement, when they saw how, by means of
+this blest Pantagruelion, the Arctic people looked upon the Antarctic,
+scoured the Atlantic Ocean, passed the tropics, pushed through the torrid
+zone, measured all the zodiac, sported under the equinoctial, having both
+poles level with their horizon, they judged it high time to call a council
+for their own safety and preservation.
+
+The Olympic gods, being all and each of them affrighted at the sight of
+such achievements, said:  Pantagruel hath shapen work enough for us, and
+put us more to a plunge and nearer our wits' end by this sole herb of his
+than did of old the Aloidae by overturning mountains.  He very speedily is
+to be married, and shall have many children by his wife.  It lies not in
+our power to oppose this destiny; for it hath passed through the hands and
+spindles of the Fatal Sisters, necessity's inexorable daughters.  Who knows
+but by his sons may be found out an herb of such another virtue and
+prodigious energy, as that by the aid thereof, in using it aright according
+to their father's skill, they may contrive a way for humankind to pierce
+into the high aerian clouds, get up unto the springhead of the hail, take
+an inspection of the snowy sources, and shut and open as they please the
+sluices from whence proceed the floodgates of the rain; then, prosecuting
+their aethereal voyage, they may step in unto the lightning workhouse and
+shop, where all the thunderbolts are forged, where, seizing on the magazine
+of heaven and storehouse of our warlike fire-munition, they may discharge a
+bouncing peal or two of thundering ordnance for joy of their arrival to
+these new supernal places, and, charging those tonitrual guns afresh, turn
+the whole force of that artillery against ourselves wherein we most
+confided.  Then is it like they will set forward to invade the territories
+of the Moon, whence, passing through both Mercury and Venus, the Sun will
+serve them for a torch, to show the way from Mars to Jupiter and Saturn.
+We shall not then be able to resist the impetuosity of their intrusion, nor
+put a stoppage to their entering in at all, whatever regions, domiciles, or
+mansions of the spangled firmament they shall have any mind to see, to stay
+in, to travel through for their recreation.  All the celestial signs
+together, with the constellations of the fixed stars, will jointly be at
+their devotion then.  Some will take up their lodging at the Ram, some at
+the Bull, and others at the Twins; some at the Crab, some at the Lion Inn,
+and others at the sign of the Virgin; some at the Balance, others at the
+Scorpion, and others will be quartered at the Archer; some will be
+harboured at the Goat, some at the Water-pourer's sign, some at the Fishes;
+some will lie at the Crown, some at the Harp, some at the Golden Eagle and
+the Dolphin; some at the Flying Horse, some at the Ship, some at the great,
+some at the little Bear; and so throughout the glistening hostelries of the
+whole twinkling asteristic welkin.  There will be sojourners come from the
+earth, who, longing after the taste of the sweet cream, of their own
+skimming off, from the best milk of all the dairy of the Galaxy, will set
+themselves at table down with us, drink of our nectar and ambrosia, and
+take to their own beds at night for wives and concubines our fairest
+goddesses, the only means whereby they can be deified.  A junto hereupon
+being convocated, the better to consult upon the manner of obviating a so
+dreadful danger, Jove, sitting in his presidential throne, asked the votes
+of all the other gods, which, after a profound deliberation amongst
+themselves on all contingencies, they freely gave at last, and then
+resolved unanimously to withstand the shocks of all whatsoever sublunary
+assaults.
+
+
+
+Chapter 3.LII.
+
+How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature that the fire is not
+able to consume it.
+
+I have already related to you great and admirable things; but, if you might
+be induced to adventure upon the hazard of believing some other divinity of
+this sacred Pantagruelion, I very willingly would tell it you.  Believe it,
+if you will, or otherwise, believe it not, I care not which of them you do,
+they are both alike to me.  It shall be sufficient for my purpose to have
+told you the truth, and the truth I will tell you.  But to enter in
+thereat, because it is of a knaggy, difficult, and rugged access, this is
+the question which I ask of you.  If I had put within this bottle two
+pints, the one of wine and the other of water, thoroughly and exactly
+mingled together, how would you unmix them?  After what manner would you go
+about to sever them, and separate the one liquor from the other, in such
+sort that you render me the water apart, free from the wine, and the wine
+also pure, without the intermixture of one drop of water, and both of them
+in the same measure, quantity, and taste that I had embottled them?  Or, to
+state the question otherwise.  If your carmen and mariners, entrusted for
+the provision of your houses with the bringing of a certain considerable
+number of tuns, puncheons, pipes, barrels, and hogsheads of Graves wine, or
+of the wine of Orleans, Beaune, and Mireveaux, should drink out the half,
+and afterwards with water fill up the other empty halves of the vessels as
+full as before, as the Limosins use to do in their carriages by wains and
+carts of the wines of Argenton and Sangaultier; after that, how would you
+part the water from the wine, and purify them both in such a case?  I
+understand you well enough.  Your meaning is, that I must do it with an ivy
+funnel.  That is written, it is true, and the verity thereof explored by a
+thousand experiments; you have learned to do this feat before, I see it.
+But those that have never known it, nor at any time have seen the like,
+would hardly believe that it were possible.  Let us nevertheless proceed.
+
+But put the case, we were now living in the age of Sylla, Marius, Caesar,
+and other such Roman emperors, or that we were in the time of our ancient
+Druids, whose custom was to burn and calcine the dead bodies of their
+parents and lords, and that you had a mind to drink the ashes or cinders of
+your wives or fathers in the infused liquor of some good white-wine, as
+Artemisia drunk the dust and ashes of her husband Mausolus; or otherwise,
+that you did determine to have them reserved in some fine urn or reliquary
+pot; how would you save the ashes apart, and separate them from those other
+cinders and ashes into which the fuel of the funeral and bustuary fire hath
+been converted?  Answer, if you can.  By my figgins, I believe it will
+trouble you so to do.
+
+Well, I will despatch, and tell you that, if you take of this celestial
+Pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover the body of the defunct, and
+after that you shall have enwrapped and bound therein as hard and closely
+as you can the corpse of the said deceased persons, and sewed up the
+folding-sheet with thread of the same stuff, throw it into the fire, how
+great or ardent soever it be it matters not a straw, the fire through this
+Pantagruelion will burn the body and reduce to ashes the bones thereof, and
+the Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt, but also shall
+neither lose one atom of the ashes enclosed within it, nor receive one atom
+of the huge bustuary heap of ashes resulting from the blazing conflagration
+of things combustible laid round about it, but shall at last, when taken
+out of the fire, be fairer, whiter, and much cleaner than when you did put
+it in at first.  Therefore it is called Asbeston, which is as much to say
+as incombustible.  Great plenty is to be found thereof in Carpasia, as
+likewise in the climate Dia Sienes, at very easy rates.  O how rare and
+admirable a thing it is, that the fire which devoureth, consumeth, and
+destroyeth all such things else, should cleanse, purge, and whiten this
+sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbeston!  If you mistrust the verity of this
+relation, and demand for further confirmation of my assertion a visible
+sign, as the Jews and such incredulous infidels use to do, take a fresh
+egg, and orbicularly, or rather ovally, enfold it within this divine
+Pantagruelion.  When it is so wrapped up, put it in the hot embers of a
+fire, how great or ardent soever it be, and having left it there as long as
+you will, you shall at last, at your taking it out of the fire, find the
+egg roasted hard, and as it were burnt, without any alteration, change,
+mutation, or so much as a calefaction of the sacred Pantagruelion.  For
+less than a million of pounds sterling, modified, taken down, and
+amoderated to the twelfth part of one fourpence halfpenny farthing, you are
+able to put it to a trial and make proof thereof.
+
+Do not think to overmatch me here, by paragoning with it in the way of a
+more eminent comparison the Salamander.  That is a fib; for, albeit a
+little ordinary fire, such as is used in dining-rooms and chambers,
+gladden, cheer up, exhilarate, and quicken it, yet may I warrantably enough
+assure that in the flaming fire of a furnace it will, like any other
+animated creature, be quickly suffocated, choked, consumed, and destroyed.
+We have seen the experiment thereof, and Galen many ages ago hath clearly
+demonstrated and confirmed it, Lib. 3, De temperamentis, and Dioscorides
+maintaineth the same doctrine, Lib. 2.  Do not here instance in competition
+with this sacred herb the feather alum or the wooden tower of Pyraeus,
+which Lucius Sylla was never able to get burnt; for that Archelaus,
+governor of the town for Mithridates, King of Pontus, had plastered it all
+over on the outside with the said alum.  Nor would I have you to compare
+therewith the herb which Alexander Cornelius called Eonem, and said that it
+had some resemblance with that oak which bears the mistletoe, and that it
+could neither be consumed nor receive any manner of prejudice by fire nor
+by water, no more than the mistletoe, of which was built, said he, the so
+renowned ship Argos.  Search where you please for those that will believe
+it.  I in that point desire to be excused.  Neither would I wish you to
+parallel therewith--although I cannot deny but that it is of a very
+marvellous nature--that sort of tree which groweth alongst the mountains of
+Brianson and Ambrun, which produceth out of his root the good agaric.  From
+its body it yieldeth unto us a so excellent rosin, that Galen hath been
+bold to equal it to the turpentine.  Upon the delicate leaves thereof it
+retaineth for our use that sweet heavenly honey which is called the manna,
+and, although it be of a gummy, oily, fat, and greasy substance, it is,
+notwithstanding, unconsumable by any fire.  It is in Greek and Latin called
+Larix.  The Alpinese name is Melze.  The Antenorides and Venetians term it
+Larege; which gave occasion to that castle in Piedmont to receive the
+denomination of Larignum, by putting Julius Caesar to a stand at his return
+from amongst the Gauls.
+
+Julius Caesar commanded all the yeomen, boors, hinds, and other inhabitants
+in, near unto, and about the Alps and Piedmont, to bring all manner of
+victuals and provision for an army to those places which on the military
+road he had appointed to receive them for the use of his marching soldiery.
+To which ordinance all of them were obedient, save only those as were
+within the garrison of Larignum, who, trusting in the natural strength of
+the place, would not pay their contribution.  The emperor, purposing to
+chastise them for their refusal, caused his whole army to march straight
+towards that castle, before the gate whereof was erected a tower built of
+huge big spars and rafters of the larch-tree, fast bound together with pins
+and pegs of the same wood, and interchangeably laid on one another, after
+the fashion of a pile or stack of timber, set up in the fabric thereof to
+such an apt and convenient height that from the parapet above the
+portcullis they thought with stones and levers to beat off and drive away
+such as should approach thereto.
+
+When Caesar had understood that the chief defence of those within the
+castle did consist in stones and clubs, and that it was not an easy matter
+to sling, hurl, dart, throw, or cast them so far as to hinder the
+approaches, he forthwith commanded his men to throw great store of bavins,
+faggots, and fascines round about the castle, and when they had made the
+heap of a competent height, to put them all in a fair fire; which was
+thereupon incontinently done.  The fire put amidst the faggots was so great
+and so high that it covered the whole castle, that they might well imagine
+the tower would thereby be altogether burnt to dust, and demolished.
+Nevertheless, contrary to all their hopes and expectations, when the flame
+ceased, and that the faggots were quite burnt and consumed, the tower
+appeared as whole, sound, and entire as ever.  Caesar, after a serious
+consideration had thereof, commanded a compass to be taken without the
+distance of a stone cast from the castle round about it there, with ditches
+and entrenchments to form a blockade; which when the Larignans understood,
+they rendered themselves upon terms.  And then by a relation from them it
+was that Caesar learned the admirable nature and virtue of this wood, which
+of itself produceth neither fire, flame, nor coal, and would, therefore, in
+regard of that rare quality of incombustibility, have been admitted into
+this rank and degree of a true Pantagruelional plant; and that so much the
+rather, for that Pantagruel directed that all the gates, doors, angiports,
+windows, gutters, fretticed and embowed ceilings, cans, (cants?) and other
+whatsoever wooden furniture in the abbey of Theleme, should be all
+materiated of this kind of timber.  He likewise caused to cover therewith
+the sterns, stems, cook-rooms or laps, hatches, decks, courses, bends, and
+walls of his carricks, ships, galleons, galleys, brigantines, foists,
+frigates, crears, barques, floats, pinks, pinnaces, hoys, ketches, capers,
+and other vessels of his Thalassian arsenal; were it not that the wood or
+timber of the larch-tree, being put within a large and ample furnace full
+of huge vehemently flaming fire proceeding from the fuel of other sorts and
+kinds of wood, cometh at last to be corrupted, consumed, dissipated, and
+destroyed, as are stones in a lime-kiln.  But this Pantagruelion Asbeston
+is rather by the fire renewed and cleansed than by the flames thereof
+consumed or changed.  Therefore,
+
+  Arabians, Indians, Sabaeans,
+  Sing not, in hymns and Io Paeans,
+  Your incense, myrrh, or ebony.
+  Come here, a nobler plant to see,
+  And carry home, at any rate,
+  Some seed, that you may propagate.
+  If in your soil it takes, to heaven
+  A thousand thousand thanks be given;
+  And say with France, it goodly goes,
+  Where the Pantagruelion grows.
+
+END OF BOOK III
+
+
+BOOK IV.
+
+
+THE FOURTH BOOK
+
+
+The Translator's Preface.
+
+Reader,--I don't know what kind of a preface I must write to find thee
+courteous, an epithet too often bestowed without a cause.  The author of
+this work has been as sparing of what we call good nature, as most readers
+are nowadays.  So I am afraid his translator and commentator is not to
+expect much more than has been showed them.  What's worse, there are but
+two sorts of taking prefaces, as there are but two kinds of prologues to
+plays; for Mr. Bays was doubtless in the right when he said that if thunder
+and lightning could not fright an audience into complaisance, the sight of
+the poet with a rope about his neck might work them into pity.  Some,
+indeed, have bullied many of you into applause, and railed at your faults
+that you might think them without any; and others, more safely, have spoken
+kindly of you, that you might think, or at least speak, as favourably of
+them, and be flattered into patience.  Now, I fancy, there's nothing less
+difficult to attempt than the first method; for, in this blessed age, 'tis
+as easy to find a bully without courage, as a whore without beauty, or a
+writer without wit; though those qualifications are so necessary in their
+respective professions.  The mischief is, that you seldom allow any to rail
+besides yourselves, and cannot bear a pride which shocks your own.  As for
+wheedling you into a liking of a work, I must confess it seems the safest
+way; but though flattery pleases you well when it is particular, you hate
+it, as little concerning you, when it is general.  Then we knights of the
+quill are a stiff-necked generation, who as seldom care to seem to doubt
+the worth of our writings, and their being liked, as we love to flatter
+more than one at a time; and had rather draw our pens, and stand up for the
+beauty of our works (as some arrant fools use to do for that of their
+mistresses) to the last drop of our ink.  And truly this submission, which
+sometimes wheedles you into pity, as seldom decoys you into love, as the
+awkward cringing of an antiquated fop, as moneyless as he is ugly, affects
+an experienced fair one.  Now we as little value your pity as a lover his
+mistress's, well satisfied that it is only a less uncivil way of dismissing
+us.  But what if neither of these two ways will work upon you, of which
+doleful truth some of our playwrights stand so many living monuments?  Why,
+then, truly I think on no other way at present but blending the two into
+one; and, from this marriage of huffing and cringing, there will result a
+new kind of careless medley, which, perhaps, will work upon both sorts of
+readers, those who are to be hectored, and those whom we must creep to.  At
+least, it is like to please by its novelty; and it will not be the first
+monster that has pleased you when regular nature could not do it.
+
+If uncommon worth, lively wit, and deep learning, wove into wholesome
+satire, a bold, good, and vast design admirably pursued, truth set out in
+its true light, and a method how to arrive to its oracle, can recommend a
+work, I am sure this has enough to please any reasonable man.  The three
+books published some time since, which are in a manner an entire work, were
+kindly received; yet, in the French, they come far short of these two,
+which are also entire pieces; for the satire is all general here, much more
+obvious, and consequently more entertaining.  Even my long explanatory
+preface was not thought improper.  Though I was so far from being allowed
+time to make it methodical, that at first only a few pages were intended;
+yet as fast as they were printed I wrote on, till it proved at last like
+one of those towns built little at first, then enlarged, where you see
+promiscuously an odd variety of all sorts of irregular buildings.  I hope
+the remarks I give now will not please less; for, as I have translated the
+work which they explain, I had more time to make them, though as little to
+write them.  It would be needless to give here a large account of my
+performance; for, after all, you readers care no more for this or that
+apology, or pretence of Mr. Translator, if the version does not please you,
+than we do for a blundering cook's excuse after he has spoiled a good dish
+in the dressing.  Nor can the first pretend to much praise, besides that of
+giving his author's sense in its full extent, and copying his style, if it
+is to be copied; since he has no share in the invention or disposition of
+what he translates.  Yet there was no small difficulty in doing Rabelais
+justice in that double respect; the obsolete words and turns of phrase, and
+dark subjects, often as darkly treated, make the sense hard to be
+understood even by a Frenchman, and it cannot be easy to give it the free
+easy air of an original; for even what seems most common talk in one
+language, is what is often the most difficult to be made so in another; and
+Horace's thoughts of comedy may be well applied to this:
+
+  Creditur, ex medio quia res arcessit, habere
+  Sudoris minimum; sed habet commoedia tantum
+  Plus oneris, quanto veniae minus.
+
+Far be it from me, for all this, to value myself upon hitting the words of
+cant in which my drolling author is so luxuriant; for though such words
+have stood me in good stead, I scarce can forbear thinking myself unhappy
+in having insensibly hoarded up so much gibberish and Billingsgate trash in
+my memory; nor could I forbear asking of myself, as an Italian cardinal
+said on another account, D'onde hai tu pigliato tante coglionerie?  Where
+the devil didst thou rake up all these fripperies?
+
+It was not less difficult to come up to the author's sublime expressions.
+Nor would I have attempted such a task, but that I was ambitious of giving
+a view of the most valuable work of the greatest genius of his age, to the
+Mecaenas and best genius of this.  For I am not overfond of so ungrateful a
+task as translating, and would rejoice to see less versions and more
+originals; so the latter were not as bad as many of the first are, through
+want of encouragement.  Some indeed have deservedly gained esteem by
+translating; yet not many condescend to translate, but such as cannot
+invent; though to do the first well requires often as much genius as to do
+the latter.
+
+I wish, reader, thou mayest be as willing to do my author justice, as I
+have strove to do him right.  Yet, if thou art a brother of the quill, it
+is ten to one thou art too much in love with thy own dear productions to
+admire those of one of thy trade.  However, I know three or four who have
+not such a mighty opinion of themselves; but I'll not name them, lest I
+should be obliged to place myself among them.  If thou art one of those
+who, though they never write, criticise everyone that does; avaunt!--Thou
+art a professed enemy of mankind and of thyself, who wilt never be pleased
+nor let anybody be so, and knowest no better way to fame than by striving
+to lessen that of others; though wouldst thou write thou mightst be soon
+known, even by the butterwomen, and fly through the world in bandboxes.  If
+thou art of the dissembling tribe, it is thy office to rail at those books
+which thou huggest in a corner.  If thou art one of those eavesdroppers,
+who would have their moroseness be counted gravity, thou wilt condemn a
+mirth which thou art past relishing; and I know no other way to quit the
+score than by writing (as like enough I may) something as dull, or duller
+than thyself, if possible.  If thou art one of those critics in dressing,
+those extempores of fortune, who, having lost a relation and got an estate,
+in an instant set up for wit and every extravagance, thou'lt either praise
+or discommend this book, according to the dictates of some less foolish
+than thyself, perhaps of one of those who, being lodged at the sign of the
+box and dice, will know better things than to recommend to thee a work
+which bids thee beware of his tricks.  This book might teach thee to leave
+thy follies; but some will say it does not signify much to some fools
+whether they are so or not; for when was there a fool that thought himself
+one?  If thou art one of those who would put themselves upon us for learned
+men in Greek and Hebrew, yet are mere blockheads in English, and patch
+together old pieces of the ancients to get themselves clothes out of them,
+thou art too severely mauled in this work to like it.  Who then will? some
+will cry.  Nay, besides these, many societies that make a great figure in
+the world are reflected on in this book; which caused Rabelais to study to
+be dark, and even bedaub it with many loose expressions, that he might not
+be thought to have any other design than to droll; in a manner bewraying
+his book that his enemies might not bite it.  Truly, though now the riddle
+is expounded, I would advise those who read it not to reflect on the
+author, lest he be thought to have been beforehand with them, and they be
+ranked among those who have nothing to show for their honesty but their
+money, nothing for their religion but their dissembling, or a fat benefice,
+nothing for their wit but their dressing, for their nobility but their
+title, for their gentility but their sword, for their courage but their
+huffing, for their preferment but their assurance, for their learning but
+their degrees, or for their gravity but their wrinkles or dulness.  They
+had better laugh at one another here, as it is the custom of the world.
+Laughing is of all professions; the miser may hoard, the spendthrift
+squander, the politician plot, the lawyer wrangle, and the gamester cheat;
+still their main design is to be able to laugh at one another; and here
+they may do it at a cheap and easy rate.  After all, should this work fail
+to please the greater number of readers, I am sure it cannot miss being
+liked by those who are for witty mirth and a chirping bottle; though not by
+those solid sots who seem to have drudged all their youth long only that
+they might enjoy the sweet blessing of getting drunk every night in their
+old age.  But those men of sense and honour who love truth and the good of
+mankind in general above all other things will undoubtedly countenance this
+work.  I will not gravely insist upon its usefulness, having said enough of
+it in the preface (Motteux' Preface to vol. I of Rabelais, ed. 1694.) to
+the first part.  I will only add, that as Homer in his Odyssey makes his
+hero wander ten years through most parts of the then known world, so
+Rabelais, in a three months' voyage, makes Pantagruel take a view of almost
+all sorts of people and professions; with this difference, however, between
+the ancient mythologist and the modern, that while the Odyssey has been
+compared to a setting sun in respect to the Iliads, Rabelais' last work,
+which is this Voyage to the Oracle of the Bottle (by which he means truth)
+is justly thought his masterpiece, being wrote with more spirit, salt, and
+flame, than the first part of his works.  At near seventy years of age, his
+genius, far from being drained, seemed to have acquired fresh vigour and
+new graces the more it exerted itself; like those rivers which grow more
+deep, large, majestic, and useful by their course.  Those who accuse the
+French of being as sparing of their wit as lavish of their words will find
+an Englishman in our author.  I must confess indeed that my countrymen and
+other southern nations temper the one with the other in a manner as they do
+their wine with water, often just dashing the latter with a little of the
+first.  Now here men love to drink their wine pure; nay, sometimes it will
+not satisfy unless in its very quintessence, as in brandies; though an
+excess of this betrays want of sobriety, as much as an excess of wit
+betrays a want of judgment.  But I must conclude, lest I be justly taxed
+with wanting both.  I will only add, that as every language has its
+peculiar graces, seldom or never to be acquired by a foreigner, I cannot
+think I have given my author those of the English in every place; but as
+none compelled me to write, I fear to ask a pardon which yet the generous
+temper of this nation makes me hope to obtain.  Albinus, a Roman, who had
+written in Greek, desired in his preface to be forgiven his faults of
+language; but Cato asked him in derision whether any had forced him to
+write in a tongue of which he was not an absolute master.  Lucullus wrote a
+history in the same tongue, and said he had scattered some false Greek in
+it to let the world know it was the work of a Roman.  I will not say as
+much of my writings, in which I study to be as little incorrect as the
+hurry of business and shortness of time will permit; but I may better say,
+as Tully did of the history of his consulship, which he also had written in
+Greek, that what errors may be found in the diction are crept in against my
+intent.  Indeed, Livius Andronicus and Terence, the one a Greek, the other
+a Carthaginian, wrote successfully in Latin, and the latter is perhaps the
+most perfect model of the purity and urbanity of that tongue; but I ought
+not to hope for the success of those great men.  Yet am I ambitious of
+being as subservient to the useful diversion of the ingenious of this
+nation as I can, which I have endeavoured in this work, with hopes to
+attempt some greater tasks if ever I am happy enough to have more leisure.
+In the meantime it will not displease me, if it is known that this is given
+by one who, though born and educated in France, has the love and veneration
+of a loyal subject for this nation, one who, by a fatality, which with many
+more made him say,
+
+  Nos patriam fugimus et dulcia linquimus arva,
+
+is obliged to make the language of these happy regions as natural to him as
+he can, and thankfully say with the rest, under this Protestant government,
+
+  Deus nobis haec otia fecit.
+
+
+
+The Author's Epistle Dedicatory.
+
+To the most Illustrious Prince and most Reverend Lord Odet, Cardinal de
+Chastillon.
+
+You know, most illustrious prince, how often I have been, and am daily
+pressed and required by great numbers of eminent persons, to proceed in the
+Pantagruelian fables; they tell me that many languishing, sick, and
+disconsolate persons, perusing them, have deceived their grief, passed
+their time merrily, and been inspired with new joy and comfort.  I commonly
+answer that I aimed not at glory and applause when I diverted myself with
+writing, but only designed to give by my pen, to the absent who labour
+under affliction, that little help which at all times I willingly strive to
+give to the present that stand in need of my art and service.  Sometimes I
+at large relate to them how Hippocrates in several places, and particularly
+in lib. 6. Epidem., describing the institution of the physician his
+disciple, and also Soranus of Ephesus, Oribasius, Galen, Hali Abbas, and
+other authors, have descended to particulars, in the prescription of his
+motions, deportment, looks, countenance, gracefulness, civility,
+cleanliness of face, clothes, beard, hair, hands, mouth, even his very
+nails; as if he were to play the part of a lover in some comedy, or enter
+the lists to fight some enemy.  And indeed the practice of physic is
+properly enough compared by Hippocrates to a fight, and also to a farce
+acted between three persons, the patient, the physician, and the disease.
+Which passage has sometimes put me in mind of Julia's saying to Augustus
+her father.  One day she came before him in a very gorgeous, loose,
+lascivious dress, which very much displeased him, though he did not much
+discover his discontent.  The next day she put on another, and in a modest
+garb, such as the chaste Roman ladies wore, came into his presence.  The
+kind father could not then forbear expressing the pleasure which he took to
+see her so much altered, and said to her:  Oh! how much more this garb
+becomes and is commendable in the daughter of Augustus.  But she, having
+her excuse ready, answered:  This day, sir, I dressed myself to please my
+father's eye; yesterday, to gratify that of my husband.  Thus disguised in
+looks and garb, nay even, as formerly was the fashion, with a rich and
+pleasant gown with four sleeves, which was called philonium according to
+Petrus Alexandrinus in 6. Epidem., a physician might answer to such as
+might find the metamorphosis indecent:  Thus have I accoutred myself, not
+that I am proud of appearing in such a dress, but for the sake of my
+patient, whom alone I wholly design to please, and no wise offend or
+dissatisfy.  There is also a passage in our father Hippocrates, in the book
+I have named, which causes some to sweat, dispute, and labour; not indeed
+to know whether the physician's frowning, discontented, and morose Catonian
+look render the patient sad, and his joyful, serene, and pleasing
+countenance rejoice him; for experience teaches us that this is most
+certain; but whether such sensations of grief or pleasure are produced by
+the apprehension of the patient observing his motions and qualities in his
+physician, and drawing from thence conjectures of the end and catastrophe
+of his disease; as, by his pleasing look, joyful and desirable events, and
+by his sorrowful and unpleasing air, sad and dismal consequences; or
+whether those sensations be produced by a transfusion of the serene or
+gloomy, aerial or terrestrial, joyful or melancholic spirits of the
+physician into the person of the patient, as is the opinion of Plato,
+Averroes, and others.
+
+Above all things, the forecited authors have given particular directions to
+physicians about the words, discourse, and converse which they ought to
+have with their patients; everyone aiming at one point, that is, to rejoice
+them without offending God, and in no wise whatsoever to vex or displease
+them.  Which causes Herophilus much to blame the physician Callianax, who,
+being asked by a patient of his, Shall I die? impudently made him this
+answer:
+
+  Patroclus died, whom all allow
+  By much a better man than you.
+
+Another, who had a mind to know the state of his distemper, asking him,
+after our merry Patelin's way:  Well, doctor, does not my water tell you I
+shall die?  He foolishly answered, No; if Latona, the mother of those
+lovely twins, Phoebus and Diana, begot thee.  Galen, lib. 4, Comment. 6.
+Epidem., blames much also Quintus his tutor, who, a certain nobleman of
+Rome, his patient, saying to him, You have been at breakfast, my master,
+your breath smells of wine; answered arrogantly, Yours smells of fever;
+which is the better smell of the two, wine or a putrid fever?  But the
+calumny of certain cannibals, misanthropes, perpetual eavesdroppers, has
+been so foul and excessive against me, that it had conquered my patience,
+and I had resolved not to write one jot more.  For the least of their
+detractions were that my books are all stuffed with various heresies, of
+which, nevertheless, they could not show one single instance; much, indeed,
+of comical and facetious fooleries, neither offending God nor the king (and
+truly I own they are the only subject and only theme of these books), but
+of heresy not a word, unless they interpreted wrong, and against all use of
+reason and common language, what I had rather suffer a thousand deaths, if
+it were possible, than have thought; as who should make bread to be stone,
+a fish to be a serpent, and an egg to be a scorpion.  This, my lord,
+emboldened me once to tell you, as I was complaining of it in your
+presence, that if I did not esteem myself a better Christian than they show
+themselves towards me, and if my life, writings, words, nay thoughts,
+betrayed to me one single spark of heresy, or I should in a detestable
+manner fall into the snares of the spirit of detraction, Diabolos, who, by
+their means, raises such crimes against me; I would then, like the phoenix,
+gather dry wood, kindle a fire, and burn myself in the midst of it.  You
+were then pleased to say to me that King Francis, of eternal memory, had
+been made sensible of those false accusations; and that having caused my
+books (mine, I say, because several, false and infamous, have been wickedly
+laid to me) to be carefully and distinctly read to him by the most learned
+and faithful anagnost in this kingdom, he had not found any passage
+suspicious; and that he abhorred a certain envious, ignorant, hypocritical
+informer, who grounded a mortal heresy on an n put instead of an m by the
+carelessness of the printers.
+
+As much was done by his son, our most gracious, virtuous, and blessed
+sovereign, Henry, whom Heaven long preserve! so that he granted you his
+royal privilege and particular protection for me against my slandering
+adversaries.
+
+You kindly condescended since to confirm me these happy news at Paris; and
+also lately, when you visited my Lord Cardinal du Bellay, who, for the
+benefit of his health, after a lingering distemper, was retired to St.
+Maur, that place (or rather paradise) of salubrity, serenity, conveniency,
+and all desirable country pleasures.
+
+Thus, my lord, under so glorious a patronage, I am emboldened once more to
+draw my pen, undaunted now and secure; with hopes that you will still prove
+to me, against the power of detraction, a second Gallic Hercules in
+learning, prudence, and eloquence; an Alexicacos in virtue, power, and
+authority; you, of whom I may truly say what the wise monarch Solomon saith
+of Moses, that great prophet and captain of Israel, Ecclesiast. 45:  A man
+fearing and loving God, who found favour in the sight of all flesh,
+well-beloved both of God and man; whose memorial is blessed.  God made him
+like to the glorious saints, and magnified him so, that his enemies stood in
+fear of him; and for him made wonders; made him glorious in the sight of
+kings, gave him a commandment for his people, and by him showed his light;
+he sanctified him in his faithfulness and meekness, and chose him out of all
+men.  By him he made us to hear his voice, and caused by him the law of life
+and knowledge to be given.
+
+Accordingly, if I shall be so happy as to hear anyone commend those merry
+composures, they shall be adjured by me to be obliged and pay their thanks
+to you alone, as also to offer their prayers to Heaven for the continuance
+and increase of your greatness; and to attribute no more to me than my
+humble and ready obedience to your commands; for by your most honourable
+encouragement you at once have inspired me with spirit and with invention;
+and without you my heart had failed me, and the fountain-head of my animal
+spirits had been dry.  May the Lord keep you in his blessed mercy!
+
+               My Lord,
+
+  Your most humble, and most devoted Servant,
+
+                   Francis Rabelais, Physician.
+
+  Paris, this 28th of January, MDLII.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+The Author's Prologue.
+
+Good people, God save and keep you!  Where are you?  I can't see you:
+stay--I'll saddle my nose with spectacles--oh, oh! 'twill be fair anon:  I
+see you.  Well, you have had a good vintage, they say:  this is no bad news
+to Frank, you may swear.  You have got an infallible cure against thirst:
+rarely performed of you, my friends!  You, your wives, children, friends,
+and families are in as good case as hearts can wish; it is well, it is as I
+would have it:  God be praised for it, and if such be his will, may you
+long be so.  For my part, I am thereabouts, thanks to his blessed goodness;
+and by the means of a little Pantagruelism (which you know is a certain
+jollity of mind, pickled in the scorn of fortune), you see me now hale and
+cheery, as sound as a bell, and ready to drink, if you will.  Would you
+know why I'm thus, good people?  I will even give you a positive answer
+--Such is the Lord's will, which I obey and revere; it being said in his
+word, in great derision to the physician neglectful of his own health,
+Physician, heal thyself.
+
+Galen had some knowledge of the Bible, and had conversed with the
+Christians of his time, as appears lib. 11. De Usu Partium; lib. 2. De
+Differentiis Pulsuum, cap. 3, and ibid. lib. 3. cap. 2. and lib. De Rerum
+Affectibus (if it be Galen's).  Yet 'twas not for any such veneration of
+holy writ that he took care of his own health.  No, it was for fear of
+being twitted with the saying so well known among physicians:
+
+  Iatros allon autos elkesi bruon.
+
+  He boasts of healing poor and rich,
+  Yet is himself all over itch.
+
+This made him boldly say, that he did not desire to be esteemed a
+physician, if from his twenty-eighth year to his old age he had not lived
+in perfect health, except some ephemerous fevers, of which he soon rid
+himself; yet he was not naturally of the soundest temper, his stomach being
+evidently bad.  Indeed, as he saith, lib. 5, De Sanitate tuenda, that
+physician will hardly be thought very careful of the health of others who
+neglects his own.  Asclepiades boasted yet more than this; for he said that
+he had articled with fortune not to be reputed a physician if he could be
+said to have been sick since he began to practise physic to his latter age,
+which he reached, lusty in all his members and victorious over fortune;
+till at last the old gentleman unluckily tumbled down from the top of a
+certain ill-propped and rotten staircase, and so there was an end of him.
+
+If by some disaster health is fled from your worships to the right or to
+the left, above or below, before or behind, within or without, far or near,
+on this side or the other side, wheresoever it be, may you presently, with
+the help of the Lord, meet with it.  Having found it, may you immediately
+claim it, seize it, and secure it.  The law allows it; the king would have
+it so; nay, you have my advice for it.  Neither more nor less than the
+law-makers of old did fully empower a master to claim and seize his runaway
+servant wherever he might be found.  Odds-bodikins, is it not written and
+warranted by the ancient customs of this noble, so rich, so flourishing
+realm of France, that the dead seizes the quick?  See what has been
+declared very lately in that point by that learned, wise, courteous, humane
+and just civilian, Andrew Tiraqueau, one of the judges in the most
+honourable court of Parliament at Paris.  Health is our life, as Ariphron
+the Sicyonian wisely has it; without health life is not life, it is not
+living life: abios bios, bios abiotos.  Without health life is only a
+languishment and an image of death.  Therefore, you that want your health,
+that is to say, that are dead, seize the quick; secure life to yourselves,
+that is to say, health.
+
+I have this hope in the Lord, that he will hear our supplications,
+considering with what faith and zeal we pray, and that he will grant this
+our wish because it is moderate and mean.  Mediocrity was held by the
+ancient sages to be golden, that is to say, precious, praised by all men,
+and pleasing in all places.  Read the sacred Bible, you will find the
+prayers of those who asked moderately were never unanswered.  For example,
+little dapper Zaccheus, whose body and relics the monks of St. Garlick,
+near Orleans, boast of having, and nickname him St. Sylvanus; he only
+wished to see our blessed Saviour near Jerusalem.  It was but a small
+request, and no more than anybody then might pretend to.  But alas! he was
+but low-built; and one of so diminutive a size, among the crowd, could not
+so much as get a glimpse of him.  Well then he struts, stands on tiptoes,
+bustles, and bestirs his stumps, shoves and makes way, and with much ado
+clambers up a sycamore.  Upon this, the Lord, who knew his sincere
+affection, presented himself to his sight, and was not only seen by him,
+but heard also; nay, what is more, he came to his house and blessed his
+family.
+
+One of the sons of the prophets in Israel felling would near the river
+Jordan, his hatchet forsook the helve and fell to the bottom of the river;
+so he prayed to have it again ('twas but a small request, mark ye me), and
+having a strong faith, he did not throw the hatchet after the helve, as
+some spirits of contradiction say by way of scandalous blunder, but the
+helve after the hatchet, as you all properly have it.  Presently two great
+miracles were seen:  up springs the hatchet from the bottom of the water,
+and fixes itself to its old acquaintance the helve.  Now had he wished to
+coach it to heaven in a fiery chariot like Elias, to multiply in seed like
+Abraham, be as rich as Job, strong as Samson, and beautiful as Absalom,
+would he have obtained it, d'ye think?  I' troth, my friends, I question it
+very much.
+
+Now I talk of moderate wishes in point of hatchet (but harkee me, be sure
+you don't forget when we ought to drink), I will tell you what is written
+among the apologues of wise Aesop the Frenchman.  I mean the Phrygian and
+Trojan, as Max. Planudes makes him; from which people, according to the
+most faithful chroniclers, the noble French are descended.  Aelian writes
+that he was of Thrace and Agathias, after Herodotus, that he was of Samos;
+'tis all one to Frank.
+
+In his time lived a poor honest country fellow of Gravot, Tom Wellhung by
+name, a wood-cleaver by trade, who in that low drudgery made shift so to
+pick up a sorry livelihood.  It happened that he lost his hatchet.  Now
+tell me who ever had more cause to be vexed than poor Tom?  Alas, his whole
+estate and life depended on his hatchet; by his hatchet he earned many a
+fair penny of the best woodmongers or log-merchants among whom he went
+a-jobbing; for want of his hatchet he was like to starve; and had death but
+met with him six days after without a hatchet, the grim fiend would have
+mowed him down in the twinkling of a bedstaff.  In this sad case he began
+to be in a heavy taking, and called upon Jupiter with the most eloquent
+prayers--for you know necessity was the mother of eloquence.  With the
+whites of his eyes turned up towards heaven, down on his marrow-bones, his
+arms reared high, his fingers stretched wide, and his head bare, the poor
+wretch without ceasing was roaring out, by way of litany, at every
+repetition of his supplications, My hatchet, Lord Jupiter, my hatchet! my
+hatchet! only my hatchet, O Jupiter, or money to buy another, and nothing
+else! alas, my poor hatchet!
+
+Jupiter happened then to be holding a grand council about certain urgent
+affairs, and old gammer Cybele was just giving her opinion, or, if you
+would rather have it so, it was young Phoebus the beau; but, in short,
+Tom's outcries and lamentations were so loud that they were heard with no
+small amazement at the council-board, by the whole consistory of the gods.
+What a devil have we below, quoth Jupiter, that howls so horridly?  By the
+mud of Styx, have not we had all along, and have not we here still enough
+to do, to set to rights a world of damned puzzling businesses of
+consequence?  We made an end of the fray between Presthan, King of Persia,
+and Soliman the Turkish emperor, we have stopped up the passages between
+the Tartars and the Muscovites; answered the Xeriff's petition; done the
+same to that of Golgots Rays; the state of Parma's despatched; so is that
+of Maidenburg, that of Mirandola, and that of Africa, that town on the
+Mediterranean which we call Aphrodisium; Tripoli by carelessness has got a
+new master; her hour was come.
+
+Here are the Gascons cursing and damning, demanding the restitution of
+their bells.
+
+In yonder corner are the Saxons, Easterlings, Ostrogoths, and Germans,
+nations formerly invincible, but now aberkeids, bridled, curbed, and
+brought under a paltry diminutive crippled fellow; they ask us revenge,
+relief, restitution of their former good sense and ancient liberty.
+
+But what shall we do with this same Ramus and this Galland, with a pox to
+them, who, surrounded with a swarm of their scullions, blackguard
+ragamuffins, sizars, vouchers, and stipulators, set together by the ears
+the whole university of Paris?  I am in a sad quandary about it, and for
+the heart's blood of me cannot tell yet with whom of the two to side.
+
+Both seem to me notable fellows, and as true cods as ever pissed.  The one
+has rose-nobles, I say fine and weighty ones; the other would gladly have
+some too.  The one knows something; the other's no dunce.  The one loves
+the better sort of men; the other's beloved by 'em.  The one is an old
+cunning fox; the other with tongue and pen, tooth and nail, falls foul on
+the ancient orators and philosophers, and barks at them like a cur.
+
+What thinkest thou of it, say, thou bawdy Priapus?  I have found thy
+counsel just before now, et habet tua mentula mentem.
+
+King Jupiter, answered Priapus, standing up and taking off his cowl, his
+snout uncased and reared up, fiery and stiffly propped, since you compare
+the one to a yelping snarling cur and the other to sly Reynard the fox, my
+advice is, with submission, that without fretting or puzzling your brains
+any further about 'em, without any more ado, even serve 'em both as, in the
+days of yore, you did the dog and the fox.  How? asked Jupiter; when? who
+were they? where was it?  You have a rare memory, for aught I see! returned
+Priapus.  This right worshipful father Bacchus, whom we have here nodding
+with his crimson phiz, to be revenged on the Thebans had got a fairy fox,
+who, whatever mischief he did, was never to be caught or wronged by any
+beast that wore a head.
+
+The noble Vulcan here present had framed a dog of Monesian brass, and with
+long puffing and blowing put the spirit of life into him; he gave it to
+you, you gave it your Miss Europa, Miss Europa gave it Minos, Minos gave it
+Procris, Procris gave it Cephalus.  He was also of the fairy kind; so that,
+like the lawyers of our age, he was too hard for all other sorts of
+creatures; nothing could scape the dog.  Now who should happen to meet but
+these two?  What do you think they did?  Dog by his destiny was to take
+fox, and fox by his fate was not to be taken.
+
+The case was brought before your council:  you protested that you would not
+act against the fates; and the fates were contradictory.  In short, the end
+and result of the matter was, that to reconcile two contradictions was an
+impossibility in nature.  The very pang put you into a sweat; some drops of
+which happening to light on the earth, produced what the mortals call
+cauliflowers.  All our noble consistory, for want of a categorical
+resolution, were seized with such a horrid thirst, that above seventy-eight
+hogsheads of nectar were swilled down at that sitting.  At last you took my
+advice, and transmogrified them into stones; and immediately got rid of
+your perplexity, and a truce with thirst was proclaimed through this vast
+Olympus.  This was the year of flabby cods, near Teumessus, between Thebes
+and Chalcis.
+
+After this manner, it is my opinion that you should petrify this dog and
+this fox.  The metamorphosis will not be incongruous; for they both bear
+the name of Peter.  And because, according to the Limosin proverb, to make
+an oven's mouth there must be three stones, you may associate them with
+Master Peter du Coignet, whom you formerly petrified for the same cause.
+Then those three dead pieces shall be put in an equilateral trigone
+somewhere in the great temple at Paris--in the middle of the porch, if you
+will--there to perform the office of extinguishers, and with their noses
+put out the lighted candles, torches, tapers, and flambeaux; since, while
+they lived, they still lighted, ballock-like, the fire of faction,
+division, ballock sects, and wrangling among those idle bearded boys, the
+students.  And this will be an everlasting monument to show that those puny
+self-conceited pedants, ballock-framers, were rather contemned than
+condemned by you.  Dixi, I have said my say.
+
+You deal too kindly by them, said Jupiter, for aught I see, Monsieur
+Priapus.  You do not use to be so kind to everybody, let me tell you; for
+as they seek to eternize their names, it would be much better for them to
+be thus changed into hard stones than to return to earth and putrefaction.
+But now to other matters.  Yonder behind us, towards the Tuscan sea and the
+neighbourhood of Mount Apennine, do you see what tragedies are stirred up
+by certain topping ecclesiastical bullies?  This hot fit will last its
+time, like the Limosins' ovens, and then will be cooled, but not so fast.
+
+We shall have sport enough with it; but I foresee one inconveniency; for
+methinks we have but little store of thunder ammunition since the time that
+you, my fellow gods, for your pastime lavished them away to bombard new
+Antioch, by my particular permission; as since, after your example, the
+stout champions who had undertaken to hold the fortress of Dindenarois
+against all comers fairly wasted their powder with shooting at sparrows,
+and then, not having wherewith to defend themselves in time of need,
+valiantly surrendered to the enemy, who were already packing up their awls,
+full of madness and despair, and thought on nothing but a shameful retreat.
+Take care this be remedied, son Vulcan; rouse up your drowsy Cyclopes,
+Asteropes, Brontes, Arges, Polyphemus, Steropes, Pyracmon, and so forth,
+set them at work, and make them drink as they ought.
+
+Never spare liquor to such as are at hot work.  Now let us despatch this
+bawling fellow below.  You, Mercury, go see who it is, and know what he
+wants.  Mercury looked out at heaven's trapdoor, through which, as I am
+told, they hear what is said here below.  By the way, one might well enough
+mistake it for the scuttle of a ship; though Icaromenippus said it was like
+the mouth of a well.  The light-heeled deity saw that it was honest Tom,
+who asked for his lost hatchet; and accordingly he made his report to the
+synod.  Marry, said Jupiter, we are finely helped up, as if we had now
+nothing else to do here but to restore lost hatchets.  Well, he must have
+it then for all this, for so 'tis written in the Book of Fate (do you
+hear?), as well as if it was worth the whole duchy of Milan.  The truth is,
+the fellow's hatchet is as much to him as a kingdom to a king.  Come, come,
+let no more words be scattered about it; let him have his hatchet again.
+
+Now, let us make an end of the difference betwixt the Levites and
+mole-catchers of Landerousse.  Whereabouts were we?  Priapus was standing in
+the chimney-corner, and having heard what Mercury had reported, said in a
+most courteous and jovial manner:  King Jupiter, while by your order and
+particular favour I was garden-keeper-general on earth, I observed that this
+word hatchet is equivocal to many things; for it signifies a certain
+instrument by the means of which men fell and cleave timber.  It also
+signifies (at least I am sure it did formerly) a female soundly and
+frequently thumpthumpriggletickletwiddletobyed.  Thus I perceived that every
+cock of the game used to call his doxy his hatchet; for with that same tool
+(this he said lugging out and exhibiting his nine-inch knocker) they so
+strongly and resolutely shove and drive in their helves, that the females
+remain free from a fear epidemical amongst their sex, viz., that from the
+bottom of the male's belly the instrument should dangle at his heel for want
+of such feminine props.  And I remember, for I have a member, and a memory
+too, ay, and a fine memory, large enough to fill a butter-firkin; I
+remember, I say, that one day of tubilustre (horn-fair) at the festivals of
+goodman Vulcan in May, I heard Josquin Des Prez, Olkegan, Hobrecht,
+Agricola, Brumel, Camelin, Vigoris, De la Fage, Bruyer, Prioris, Seguin, De
+la Rue, Midy, Moulu, Mouton, Gascogne, Loyset, Compere, Penet, Fevin,
+Rousee, Richard Fort, Rousseau, Consilion, Constantio Festi, Jacquet Bercan,
+melodiously singing the following catch on a pleasant green:
+
+  Long John to bed went to his bride,
+  And laid a mallet by his side:
+  What means this mallet, John? saith she.
+  Why! 'tis to wedge thee home, quoth he.
+  Alas! cried she, the man's a fool:
+  What need you use a wooden tool?
+  When lusty John does to me come,
+  He never shoves but with his bum.
+
+Nine Olympiads, and an intercalary year after (I have a rare member, I
+would say memory; but I often make blunders in the symbolization and
+colligance of those two words), I heard Adrian Villart, Gombert, Janequin,
+Arcadet, Claudin, Certon, Manchicourt, Auxerre, Villiers, Sandrin, Sohier,
+Hesdin, Morales, Passereau, Maille, Maillart, Jacotin, Heurteur, Verdelot,
+Carpentras, L'Heritier, Cadeac, Doublet, Vermont, Bouteiller, Lupi,
+Pagnier, Millet, Du Moulin, Alaire, Maraut, Morpain, Gendre, and other
+merry lovers of music, in a private garden, under some fine shady trees,
+round about a bulwark of flagons, gammons, pasties, with several coated
+quails, and laced mutton, waggishly singing:
+
+  Since tools without their hafts are useless lumber,
+  And hatchets without helves are of that number;
+  That one may go in t'other, and may match it,
+  I'll be the helve, and thou shalt be the hatchet.
+
+Now would I know what kind of hatchet this bawling Tom wants?  This threw
+all the venerable gods and goddesses into a fit of laughter, like any
+microcosm of flies; and even set limping Vulcan a-hopping and jumping
+smoothly three or four times for the sake of his dear.  Come, come, said
+Jupiter to Mercury, run down immediately, and cast at the poor fellow's
+feet three hatchets:  his own, another of gold, and a third of massy
+silver, all of one size; then having left it to his will to take his
+choice, if he take his own, and be satisfied with it, give him the other
+two; if he take another, chop his head off with his own; and henceforth
+serve me all those losers of hatchets after that manner.  Having said this,
+Jupiter, with an awkward turn of his head, like a jackanapes swallowing of
+pills, made so dreadful a phiz that all the vast Olympus quaked again.
+Heaven's foot messenger, thanks to his low-crowned narrow-brimmed hat, his
+plume of feathers, heel-pieces, and running stick with pigeon wings, flings
+himself out at heaven's wicket, through the idle deserts of the air, and in
+a trice nimbly alights upon the earth, and throws at friend Tom's feet the
+three hatchets, saying unto him:  Thou hast bawled long enough to be a-dry;
+thy prayers and request are granted by Jupiter:  see which of these three
+is thy hatchet, and take it away with thee.  Wellhung lifts up the golden
+hatchet, peeps upon it, and finds it very heavy; then staring on Mercury,
+cries, Codszouks, this is none of mine; I won't ha't:  the same he did with
+the silver one, and said, 'Tis not this neither, you may e'en take them
+again.  At last he takes up his own hatchet, examines the end of the helve,
+and finds his mark there; then, ravished with joy, like a fox that meets
+some straggling poultry, and sneering from the tip of the nose, he cried,
+By the mass, this is my hatchet, master god; if you will leave it me, I
+will sacrifice to you a very good and huge pot of milk brimful, covered
+with fine strawberries, next ides of May.
+
+Honest fellow, said Mercury, I leave it thee; take it; and because thou
+hast wished and chosen moderately in point of hatchet, by Jupiter's command
+I give thee these two others; thou hast now wherewith to make thyself rich:
+be honest.  Honest Tom gave Mercury a whole cartload of thanks, and revered
+the most great Jupiter.  His old hatchet he fastens close to his leathern
+girdle, and girds it above his breech like Martin of Cambray; the two
+others, being more heavy, he lays on his shoulder.  Thus he plods on,
+trudging over the fields, keeping a good countenance amongst his neighbours
+and fellow-parishioners, with one merry saying or other after Patelin's
+way.  The next day, having put on a clean white jacket, he takes on his
+back the two precious hatchets and comes to Chinon, the famous city, noble
+city, ancient city, yea, the first city in the world, according to the
+judgment and assertion of the most learned Massorets.  At Chinon he turned
+his silver hatchet into fine testons, crown-pieces, and other white cash;
+his golden hatchet into fine angels, curious ducats, substantial ridders,
+spankers, and rose-nobles; then with them purchases a good number of farms,
+barns, houses, out-houses, thatched houses, stables, meadows, orchards,
+fields, vineyards, woods, arable lands, pastures, ponds, mills, gardens,
+nurseries, oxen, cows, sheep, goats, swine, hogs, asses, horses, hens,
+cocks, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, ducks, drakes, and a world of all
+other necessaries, and in a short time became the richest man in the
+country, nay, even richer than that limping scrape-good Maulevrier.  His
+brother bumpkins, and the other yeomen and country-puts thereabouts,
+perceiving his good fortune, were not a little amazed, insomuch that their
+former pity of poor Tom was soon changed into an envy of his so great and
+unexpected rise; and as they could not for their souls devise how this came
+about, they made it their business to pry up and down, and lay their heads
+together, to inquire, seek, and inform themselves by what means, in what
+place, on what day, what hour, how, why, and wherefore, he had come by this
+great treasure.
+
+At last, hearing it was by losing his hatchet, Ha, ha! said they, was there
+no more to do but to lose a hatchet to make us rich?  Mum for that; 'tis as
+easy as pissing a bed, and will cost but little.  Are then at this time the
+revolutions of the heavens, the constellations of the firmament, and
+aspects of the planets such, that whosoever shall lose a hatchet shall
+immediately grow rich?  Ha, ha, ha! by Jove, you shall e'en be lost, an't
+please you, my dear hatchet.  With this they all fairly lost their hatchets
+out of hand.  The devil of one that had a hatchet left; he was not his
+mother's son that did not lose his hatchet.  No more was wood felled or
+cleaved in that country through want of hatchets.  Nay, the Aesopian
+apologue even saith that certain petty country gents of the lower class,
+who had sold Wellhung their little mill and little field to have
+wherewithal to make a figure at the next muster, having been told that his
+treasure was come to him by that only means, sold the only badge of their
+gentility, their swords, to purchase hatchets to go lose them, as the silly
+clodpates did, in hopes to gain store of chink by that loss.
+
+You would have truly sworn they had been a parcel of your petty spiritual
+usurers, Rome-bound, selling their all, and borrowing of others, to buy
+store of mandates, a pennyworth of a new-made pope.
+
+Now they cried out and brayed, and prayed and bawled, and lamented, and
+invoked Jupiter:  My hatchet! my hatchet!  Jupiter, my hatchet! on this
+side, My hatchet! on that side, My hatchet!  Ho, ho, ho, ho, Jupiter, my
+hatchet!  The air round about rung again with the cries and howlings of
+these rascally losers of hatchets.
+
+Mercury was nimble in bringing them hatchets; to each offering that which
+he had lost, as also another of gold, and a third of silver.
+
+Every he still was for that of gold, giving thanks in abundance to the
+great giver, Jupiter; but in the very nick of time that they bowed and
+stooped to take it from the ground, whip, in a trice, Mercury lopped off
+their heads, as Jupiter had commanded; and of heads thus cut off the number
+was just equal to that of the lost hatchets.
+
+You see how it is now; you see how it goes with those who in the simplicity
+of their hearts wish and desire with moderation.  Take warning by this, all
+you greedy, fresh-water sharks, who scorn to wish for anything under ten
+thousand pounds; and do not for the future run on impudently, as I have
+sometimes heard you wishing, Would to God I had now one hundred
+seventy-eight millions of gold!  Oh! how I should tickle it off.  The deuce
+on you, what more might a king, an emperor, or a pope wish for?  For that
+reason, indeed, you see that after you have made such hopeful wishes, all
+the good that comes to you of it is the itch or the scab, and not a cross in
+your breeches to scare the devil that tempts you to make these wishes:  no
+more than those two mumpers, wishers after the custom of Paris; one of whom
+only wished to have in good old gold as much as hath been spent, bought, and
+sold in Paris, since its first foundations were laid, to this hour; all of
+it valued at the price, sale, and rate of the dearest year in all that space
+of time.  Do you think the fellow was bashful?  Had he eaten sour plums
+unpeeled?  Were his teeth on edge, I pray you?  The other wished Our Lady's
+Church brimful of steel needles, from the floor to the top of the roof, and
+to have as many ducats as might be crammed into as many bags as might be
+sewed with each and everyone of those needles, till they were all either
+broke at the point or eye.  This is to wish with a vengeance!  What think
+you of it?  What did they get by't, in your opinion?  Why at night both my
+gentlemen had kibed heels, a tetter in the chin, a churchyard cough in the
+lungs, a catarrh in the throat, a swingeing boil at the rump, and the devil
+of one musty crust of a brown george the poor dogs had to scour their
+grinders with.  Wish therefore for mediocrity, and it shall be given unto
+you, and over and above yet; that is to say, provided you bestir yourself
+manfully, and do your best in the meantime.
+
+Ay, but say you, God might as soon have given me seventy-eight thousand as
+the thirteenth part of one half; for he is omnipotent, and a million of
+gold is no more to him than one farthing.  Oh, ho! pray tell me who taught
+you to talk at this rate of the power and predestination of God, poor silly
+people?  Peace, tush, st, st, st! fall down before his sacred face and own
+the nothingness of your nothing.
+
+Upon this, O ye that labour under the affliction of the gout, I ground my
+hopes; firmly believing, that if so it pleases the divine goodness, you
+shall obtain health; since you wish and ask for nothing else, at least for
+the present.  Well, stay yet a little longer with half an ounce of
+patience.
+
+The Genoese do not use, like you, to be satisfied with wishing health
+alone, when after they have all the livelong morning been in a brown study,
+talked, pondered, ruminated, and resolved in the counting-houses of whom
+and how they may squeeze the ready, and who by their craft must be hooked
+in, wheedled,  bubbled, sharped, overreached, and choused; they go to the
+exchange, and greet one another with a Sanita e guadagno, Messer! health
+and gain to you, sir!  Health alone will not go down with the greedy
+curmudgeons; they over and above must wish for gain, with a pox to 'em; ay,
+and for the fine crowns, or scudi di Guadaigne; whence, heaven be praised!
+it happens many a time that the silly wishers and woulders are baulked, and
+get neither.
+
+Now, my lads, as you hope for good health, cough once aloud with lungs of
+leather; take me off three swingeing bumpers; prick up your ears; and you
+shall hear me tell wonders of the noble and good Pantagruel.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE FOURTH BOOK.
+
+
+Chapter 4.I.
+
+How Pantagruel went to sea to visit the oracle of Bacbuc, alias the Holy
+Bottle.
+
+In the month of June, on Vesta's holiday, the very numerical day on which
+Brutus, conquering Spain, taught its strutting dons to truckle under him,
+and that niggardly miser Crassus was routed and knocked on the head by the
+Parthians, Pantagruel took his leave of the good Gargantua, his royal
+father.  The old gentleman, according to the laudable custom of the
+primitive Christians, devoutly prayed for the happy voyage of his son and
+his whole company, and then they took shipping at the port of Thalassa.
+Pantagruel had with him Panurge, Friar John des Entomeures, alias of the
+Funnels, Epistemon, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, Carpalin, cum multis
+aliis, his ancient servants and domestics; also Xenomanes, the great
+traveller, who had crossed so many dangerous roads, dikes, ponds, seas, and
+so forth, and was come some time before, having been sent for by Panurge.
+
+For certain good causes and considerations him thereunto moving, he had
+left with Gargantua, and marked out, in his great and universal
+hydrographical chart, the course which they were to steer to visit the
+Oracle of the Holy Bottle Bacbuc.  The number of ships were such as I
+described in the third book, convoyed by a like number of triremes, men of
+war, galleons, and feluccas, well-rigged, caulked, and stored with a good
+quantity of Pantagruelion.
+
+All the officers, droggermen, pilots, captains, mates, boatswains,
+midshipmen, quartermasters, and sailors, met in the Thalamege, Pantagruel's
+principal flag-ship, which had in her stern for her ensign a huge large
+bottle, half silver well polished, the other half gold enamelled with
+carnation; whereby it was easy to guess that white and red were the colours
+of the noble travellers, and that they went for the word of the Bottle.
+
+On the stern of the second was a lantern like those of the ancients,
+industriously made with diaphanous stone, implying that they were to pass
+by Lanternland.  The third ship had for her device a fine deep china ewer.
+The fourth, a double-handed jar of gold, much like an ancient urn.  The
+fifth, a famous can made of sperm of emerald.  The sixth, a monk's mumping
+bottle made of the four metals together.  The seventh, an ebony funnel, all
+embossed and wrought with gold after the Tauchic manner.  The eighth, an
+ivy goblet, very precious, inlaid with gold.  The ninth, a cup of fine
+Obriz gold.  The tenth, a tumbler of aromatic agoloch (you call it lignum
+aloes) edged with Cyprian gold, after the Azemine make.  The eleventh, a
+golden vine-tub of mosaic work.  The twelfth, a runlet of unpolished gold,
+covered with a small vine of large Indian pearl of Topiarian work.
+Insomuch that there was not a man, however in the dumps, musty,
+sour-looked, or melancholic he were, not even excepting that blubbering
+whiner Heraclitus, had he been there, but seeing this noble convoy of ships
+and their devices, must have been seized with present gladness of heart,
+and, smiling at the conceit, have said that the travellers were all honest
+topers, true pitcher-men, and have judged by a most sure prognostication
+that their voyage, both outward and homeward-bound, would be performed in
+mirth and perfect health.
+
+In the Thalamege, where was the general meeting, Pantagruel made a short
+but sweet exhortation, wholly backed with authorities from Scripture upon
+navigation; which being ended, with an audible voice prayers were said in
+the presence and hearing of all the burghers of Thalassa, who had flocked
+to the mole to see them take shipping.  After the prayers was melodiously
+sung a psalm of the holy King David, which begins, When Israel went out of
+Egypt; and that being ended, tables were placed upon deck, and a feast
+speedily served up. The Thalassians, who had also borne a chorus in the
+psalm, caused store of belly-timber to be brought out of their houses.  All
+drank to them; they drank to all; which was the cause that none of the
+whole company gave up what they had eaten, nor were sea-sick, with a pain
+at the head and stomach; which inconveniency they could not so easily have
+prevented by drinking, for some time before, salt water, either alone or
+mixed with wine; using quinces, citron peel, juice of pomegranates, sourish
+sweetmeats, fasting a long time, covering their stomachs with paper, or
+following such other idle remedies as foolish physicians prescribe to those
+that go to sea.
+
+Having often renewed their tipplings, each mother's son retired on board
+his own ship, and set sail all so fast with a merry gale at south-east; to
+which point of the compass the chief pilot, James Brayer by name, had
+shaped his course, and fixed all things accordingly.  For seeing that the
+Oracle of the Holy Bottle lay near Cathay, in the Upper India, his advice,
+and that of Xenomanes also, was not to steer the course which the
+Portuguese use, while sailing through the torrid zone, and Cape Bona
+Speranza, at the south point of Africa, beyond the equinoctial line, and
+losing sight of the northern pole, their guide, they make a prodigious long
+voyage; but rather to keep as near the parallel of the said India as
+possible, and to tack to the westward of the said pole, so that winding
+under the north, they might find themselves in the latitude of the port of
+Olone, without coming nearer it for fear of being shut up in the frozen
+sea; whereas, following this canonical turn, by the said parallel, they
+must have that on the right to the eastward, which at their departure was
+on their left.
+
+This proved a much shorter cut; for without shipwreck, danger, or loss of
+men, with uninterrupted good weather, except one day near the island of the
+Macreons, they performed in less than four months the voyage of Upper
+India, which the Portuguese, with a thousand inconveniences and innumerable
+dangers, can hardly complete in three years.  And it is my opinion, with
+submission to better judgments, that this course was perhaps steered by
+those Indians who sailed to Germany, and were honourably received by the
+King of the Swedes, while Quintus Metellus Celer was proconsul of the
+Gauls; as Cornelius Nepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny after them tell us.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.II.
+
+How Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island of Medamothy.
+
+That day and the two following they neither discovered land nor anything
+new; for they had formerly sailed that way:  but on the fourth they made an
+island called Medamothy, of a fine and delightful prospect, by reason of
+the vast number of lighthouses and high marble towers in its circuit, which
+is not less than that of Canada (sic).  Pantagruel, inquiring who governed
+there, heard that it was King Philophanes, absent at that time upon account
+of the marriage of his brother Philotheamon with the infanta of the kingdom
+of Engys.
+
+Hearing this, he went ashore in the harbour, and while every ship's crew
+watered, passed his time in viewing divers pictures, pieces of tapestry,
+animals, fishes, birds, and other exotic and foreign merchandises, which
+were along the walks of the mole and in the markets of the port.  For it
+was the third day of the great and famous fair of the place, to which the
+chief merchants of Africa and Asia resorted.  Out of these Friar John
+bought him two rare pictures; in one of which the face of a man that brings
+in an appeal was drawn to the life; and in the other a servant that wants a
+master, with every needful particular, action, countenance, look, gait,
+feature, and deportment, being an original by Master Charles Charmois,
+principal painter to King Megistus; and he paid for them in the court
+fashion, with conge and grimace.  Panurge bought a large picture, copied
+and done from the needle-work formerly wrought by Philomela, showing to her
+sister Progne how her brother-in-law Tereus had by force handselled her
+copyhold, and then cut out her tongue that she might not (as women will)
+tell tales.  I vow and swear by the handle of my paper lantern that it was
+a gallant, a mirific, nay, a most admirable piece.  Nor do you think, I
+pray you, that in it was the picture of a man playing the beast with two
+backs with a female; this had been too silly and gross:  no, no; it was
+another-guise thing, and much plainer.  You may, if you please, see it at
+Theleme, on the left hand as you go into the high gallery.  Epistemon
+bought another, wherein were painted to the life the ideas of Plato and the
+atoms of Epicurus.  Rhizotome purchased another, wherein Echo was drawn to
+the life.  Pantagruel caused to be bought, by Gymnast, the life and deeds
+of Achilles, in seventy-eight pieces of tapestry, four fathom long, and
+three fathom broad, all of Phrygian silk, embossed with gold and silver;
+the work beginning at the nuptials of Peleus and Thetis, continuing to the
+birth of Achilles; his youth, described by Statius Papinius; his warlike
+achievements, celebrated by Homer; his death and obsequies, written by Ovid
+and Quintus Calaber; and ending at the appearance of his ghost, and
+Polyxena's sacrifice, rehearsed by Euripides.
+
+He also caused to be bought three fine young unicorns; one of them a male
+of a chestnut colour, and two grey dappled females; also a tarand, whom he
+bought of a Scythian of the Gelones' country.
+
+A tarand is an animal as big as a bullock, having a head like a stag, or a
+little bigger, two stately horns with large branches, cloven feet, hair
+long like that of a furred Muscovite, I mean a bear, and a skin almost as
+hard as steel armour.  The Scythian said that there are but few tarands to
+be found in Scythia, because it varieth its colour according to the
+diversity of the places where it grazes and abides, and represents the
+colour of the grass, plants, trees, shrubs, flowers, meadows, rocks, and
+generally of all things near which it comes.  It hath this common with the
+sea-pulp, or polypus, with the thoes, with the wolves of India, and with
+the chameleon, which is a kind of a lizard so wonderful that Democritus
+hath written a whole book of its figure and anatomy, as also of its virtue
+and propriety in magic.  This I can affirm, that I have seen it change its
+colour, not only at the approach of things that have a colour, but by its
+own voluntary impulse, according to its fear or other affections; as, for
+example, upon a green carpet I have certainly seen it become green; but
+having remained there some time, it turned yellow, blue, tanned, and purple
+in course, in the same manner as you see a turkey-cock's comb change colour
+according to its passions.  But what we find most surprising in this tarand
+is, that not only its face and skin, but also its hair could take whatever
+colour was about it.  Near Panurge, with his kersey coat, its hair used to
+turn grey; near Pantagruel, with his scarlet mantle, its hair and skin grew
+red; near the pilot, dressed after the fashion of the Isiacs of Anubis in
+Egypt, its hair seemed all white, which two last colours the chameleons
+cannot borrow.
+
+When the creature was free from any fear or affection, the colour of its
+hair was just such as you see that of the asses of Meung.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.III.
+
+How Pantagruel received a letter from his father Gargantua, and of the
+strange way to have speedy news from far distant places.
+
+While Pantagruel was taken up with the purchase of those foreign animals,
+the noise of ten guns and culverins, together with a loud and joyful cheer
+of all the fleet, was heard from the mole.  Pantagruel looked towards the
+haven, and perceived that this was occasioned by the arrival of one of his
+father Gargantua's celoces, or advice-boats, named the Chelidonia; because
+on the stern of it was carved in Corinthian brass a sea-swallow, which is a
+fish as large as a dare-fish of Loire, all flesh, without scale, with
+cartilaginous wings (like a bat's) very long and broad, by the means of
+which I have seen them fly about three fathom above water, about a
+bow-shot.  At Marseilles 'tis called lendole.  And indeed that ship was as
+light as a swallow, so that it rather seemed to fly on the sea than to
+sail.  Malicorne, Gargantua's esquire carver, was come in her, being sent
+expressly by his master to have an account of his son's health and
+circumstances, and to bring him credentials.  When Malicorne had saluted
+Pantagruel, before the prince opened the letters, the first thing he said
+to him was, Have you here the Gozal, the heavenly messenger?  Yes, sir,
+said he; here it is swaddled up in this basket.  It was a grey pigeon,
+taken out of Gargantua's dove-house, whose young ones were just hatched
+when the advice-boat was going off.
+
+If any ill fortune had befallen Pantagruel, he would have fastened some
+black ribbon to his feet; but because all things had succeeded happily
+hitherto, having caused it to be undressed, he tied to its feet a white
+ribbon, and without any further delay let it loose.  The pigeon presently
+flew away, cutting the air with an incredible speed, as you know that there
+is no flight like a pigeon's, especially when it hath eggs or young ones,
+through the extreme care which nature hath fixed in it to relieve and be
+with its young; insomuch that in less than two hours it compassed in the
+air the long tract which the advice-boat, with all her diligence, with oars
+and sails, and a fair wind, could not go through in less than three days
+and three nights; and was seen as it went into the dove-house in its nest.
+Whereupon Gargantua, hearing that it had the white ribbon on, was joyful
+and secure of his son's welfare.  This was the custom of the noble
+Gargantua and Pantagruel when they would have speedy news of something of
+great concern; as the event of some battle, either by sea or land; the
+surrendering or holding out of some strong place; the determination of some
+difference of moment; the safe or unhappy delivery of some queen or great
+lady; the death or recovery of their sick friends or allies, and so forth.
+They used to take the gozal, and had it carried from one to another by the
+post, to the places whence they desired to have news.  The gozal, bearing
+either a black or white ribbon, according to the occurrences and accidents,
+used to remove their doubts at its return, making in the space of one hour
+more way through the air than thirty postboys could have done in one
+natural day.  May not this be said to redeem and gain time with a
+vengeance, think you?  For the like service, therefore, you may believe as
+a most true thing that in the dove-houses of their farms there were to be
+found all the year long store of pigeons hatching eggs or rearing their
+young.  Which may be easily done in aviaries and voleries by the help of
+saltpetre and the sacred herb vervain.
+
+The gozal being let fly, Pantagruel perused his father Gargantua's letter,
+the contents of which were as followeth:
+
+My dearest Son,--The affection that naturally a father bears a beloved son
+is so much increased in me by reflecting on the particular gifts which by
+the divine goodness have been heaped on thee, that since thy departure it
+hath often banished all other thoughts out of my mind, leaving my heart
+wholly possessed with fear lest some misfortune has attended thy voyage;
+for thou knowest that fear was ever the attendant of true and sincere love.
+Now because, as Hesiod saith, A good beginning of anything is the half of
+it; or, Well begun's half done, according to the old saying; to free my
+mind from this anxiety I have expressly despatched Malicorne, that he may
+give me a true account of thy health at the beginning of thy voyage.  For
+if it be good, and such as I wish it, I shall easily foresee the rest.
+
+I have met with some diverting books, which the bearer will deliver thee;
+thou mayest read them when thou wantest to unbend and ease thy mind from
+thy better studies.  He will also give thee at large the news at court.
+The peace of the Lord be with thee.  Remember me to Panurge, Friar John,
+Epistemon, Xenomanes, Gymnast, and thy other principal domestics.  Dated at
+our paternal seat, this 13th day of June.
+
+            Thy father and friend, Gargantua.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.IV.
+
+How Pantagruel writ to his father Gargantua, and sent him several
+curiosities.
+
+Pantagruel, having perused the letter, had a long conference with the
+esquire Malicorne; insomuch that Panurge, at last interrupting them, asked
+him, Pray, sir, when do you design to drink?  When shall we drink?  When
+shall the worshipful esquire drink?  What a devil! have you not talked long
+enough to drink?  It is a good motion, answered Pantagruel:  go, get us
+something ready at the next inn; I think 'tis the Centaur.  In the meantime
+he writ to Gargantua as followeth, to be sent by the aforesaid esquire:
+
+Most gracious Father,--As our senses and animal faculties are more
+discomposed at the news of events unexpected, though desired (even to an
+immediate dissolution of the soul from the body), than if those accidents
+had been foreseen, so the coming of Malicorne hath much surprised and
+disordered me.  For I had no hopes to see any of your servants, or to hear
+from you, before I had finished our voyage; and contented myself with the
+dear remembrance of your august majesty, deeply impressed in the hindmost
+ventricle of my brain, often representing you to my mind.
+
+But since you have made me happy beyond expectation by the perusal of your
+gracious letter, and the faith I have in your esquire hath revived my
+spirits by the news of your welfare, I am as it were compelled to do what
+formerly I did freely, that is, first to praise the blessed Redeemer, who
+by his divine goodness preserves you in this long enjoyment of perfect
+health; then to return you eternal thanks for the fervent affection which
+you have for me your most humble son and unprofitable servant.
+
+Formerly a Roman, named Furnius, said to Augustus, who had received his
+father into favour, and pardoned him after he had sided with Antony, that
+by that action the emperor had reduced him to this extremity, that for want
+of power to be grateful, both while he lived and after it, he should be
+obliged to be taxed with ingratitude.  So I may say, that the excess of
+your fatherly affection drives me into such a strait, that I shall be
+forced to live and die ungrateful; unless that crime be redressed by the
+sentence of the Stoics, who say that there are three parts in a benefit,
+the one of the giver, the other of the receiver, the third of the
+remunerator; and that the receiver rewards the giver when he freely
+receives the benefit and always remembers it; as, on the contrary, that man
+is most ungrateful who despises and forgets a benefit.  Therefore, being
+overwhelmed with infinite favours, all proceeding from your extreme
+goodness, and on the other side wholly incapable of making the smallest
+return, I hope at least to free myself from the imputation of ingratitude,
+since they can never be blotted out of my mind; and my tongue shall never
+cease to own that to thank you as I ought transcends my capacity.
+
+As for us, I have this assurance in the Lord's mercy and help, that the end
+of our voyage will be answerable to its beginning, and so it will be
+entirely performed in health and mirth.  I will not fail to set down in a
+journal a full account of our navigation, that at our return you may have
+an exact relation of the whole.
+
+I have found here a Scythian tarand, an animal strange and wonderful for
+the variations of colour on its skin and hair, according to the distinction
+of neighbouring things; it is as tractable and easily kept as a lamb.  Be
+pleased to accept of it.
+
+I also send you three young unicorns, which are the tamest of creatures.
+
+I have conferred with the esquire, and taught him how they must be fed.
+These cannot graze on the ground by reason of the long horn on their
+forehead, but are forced to browse on fruit trees, or on proper racks, or
+to be fed by hand, with herbs, sheaves, apples, pears, barley, rye, and
+other fruits and roots, being placed before them.
+
+I am amazed that ancient writers should report them to be so wild, furious,
+and dangerous, and never seen alive; far from it, you will find that they
+are the mildest things in the world, provided they are not maliciously
+offended.  Likewise I send you the life and deeds of Achilles in curious
+tapestry; assuring you whatever rarities of animals, plants, birds, or
+precious stones, and others, I shall be able to find and purchase in our
+travels, shall be brought to you, God willing, whom I beseech, by his
+blessed grace, to preserve you.
+
+From Medamothy, this 15th of June.  Panurge, Friar John, Epistemon,
+Zenomanes, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, and Carpalin, having most humbly
+kissed your hand, return your salute a thousand times.
+
+       Your most dutiful son and servant, Pantagruel.
+
+While Pantagruel was writing this letter, Malicorne was made welcome by all
+with a thousand goodly good-morrows and how-d'ye's; they clung about him so
+that I cannot tell you how much they made of him, how many humble services,
+how many from my love and to my love were sent with him.  Pantagruel,
+having writ his letters, sat down at table with him, and afterwards
+presented him with a large chain of gold, weighing eight hundred crowns,
+between whose septenary links some large diamonds, rubies, emeralds,
+turquoise stones, and unions were alternately set in.  To each of his
+bark's crew he ordered to be given five hundred crowns.  To Gargantua, his
+father, he sent the tarand covered with a cloth of satin, brocaded with
+gold, and the tapestry containing the life and deeds of Achilles, with the
+three unicorns in friezed cloth of gold trappings; and so they left
+Medamothy--Malicorne to return to Gargantua, Pantagruel to proceed in his
+voyage, during which Epistemon read to him the books which the esquire had
+brought, and because he found them jovial and pleasant, I shall give you an
+account of them, if you earnestly desire it.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.V.
+
+How Pantagruel met a ship with passengers returning from Lanternland.
+
+On the fifth day we began already to wind by little and little about the
+pole; going still farther from the equinoctial line, we discovered a
+merchant-man to the windward of us.  The joy for this was not small on both
+sides; we in hopes to hear news from sea, and those in the merchant-man
+from land.  So we bore upon 'em, and coming up with them we hailed them;
+and finding them to be Frenchmen of Xaintonge, backed our sails and lay by
+to talk to them.  Pantagruel heard that they came from Lanternland; which
+added to his joy, and that of the whole fleet.  We inquired about the state
+of that country, and the way of living of the Lanterns; and were told that
+about the latter end of the following July was the time prefixed for the
+meeting of the general chapter of the Lanterns; and that if we arrived
+there at that time, as we might easily, we should see a handsome,
+honourable, and jolly company of Lanterns; and that great preparations were
+making, as if they intended to lanternize there to the purpose.  We were
+told also that if we touched at the great kingdom of Gebarim, we should be
+honourably received and treated by the sovereign of that country, King
+Ohabe, who, as well as all his subjects, speaks Touraine French.
+
+While we were listening to these news, Panurge fell out with one Dingdong,
+a drover or sheep-merchant of Taillebourg.  The occasion of the fray was
+thus:
+
+This same Dingdong, seeing Panurge without a codpiece, with his spectacles
+fastened to his cap, said to one of his comrades, Prithee, look, is there
+not a fine medal of a cuckold?  Panurge, by reason of his spectacles, as
+you may well think, heard more plainly by half with his ears than usually;
+which caused him (hearing this) to say to the saucy dealer in mutton, in a
+kind of a pet:
+
+How the devil should I be one of the hornified fraternity, since I am not
+yet a brother of the marriage-noose, as thou art; as I guess by thy
+ill-favoured phiz?
+
+Yea, verily, quoth the grazier, I am married, and would not be otherwise
+for all the pairs of spectacles in Europe; nay, not for all the magnifying
+gimcracks in Africa; for I have got me the cleverest, prettiest,
+handsomest, properest, neatest, tightest, honestest, and soberest piece of
+woman's flesh for my wife that is in all the whole country of Xaintonge;
+I'll say that for her, and a fart for all the rest.  I bring her home a
+fine eleven-inch-long branch of red coral for her Christmas-box.  What hast
+thou to do with it? what's that to thee? who art thou? whence comest thou,
+O dark lantern of Antichrist?  Answer, if thou art of God.  I ask thee, by
+the way of question, said Panurge to him very seriously, if with the
+consent and countenance of all the elements, I had gingumbobbed, codpieced,
+and thumpthumpriggledtickledtwiddled thy so clever, so pretty, so handsome,
+so proper, so neat, so tight, so honest, and so sober female importance,
+insomuch that the stiff deity that has no forecast, Priapus (who dwells
+here at liberty, all subjection of fastened codpieces, or bolts, bars, and
+locks, abdicated), remained sticking in her natural Christmas-box in such a
+lamentable manner that it were never to come out, but eternally should
+stick there unless thou didst pull it out with thy teeth; what wouldst thou
+do?  Wouldst thou everlastingly leave it there, or wouldst thou pluck it
+out with thy grinders?  Answer me, O thou ram of Mahomet, since thou art
+one of the devil's gang.  I would, replied the sheepmonger, take thee such
+a woundy cut on this spectacle-bearing lug of thine with my trusty bilbo as
+would smite thee dead as a herring.  Thus, having taken pepper in the nose,
+he was lugging out his sword, but, alas!--cursed cows have short horns,--it
+stuck in the scabbard; as you know that at sea cold iron will easily take
+rust by reason of the excessive and nitrous moisture.  Panurge, so smitten
+with terror that his heart sunk down to his midriff, scoured off to
+Pantagruel for help; but Friar John laid hand on his flashing scimitar that
+was new ground, and would certainly have despatched Dingdong to rights, had
+not the skipper and some of his passengers beseeched Pantagruel not to
+suffer such an outrage to be committed on board his ship.  So the matter
+was made up, and Panurge and his antagonist shaked fists, and drank in
+course to one another in token of a perfect reconciliation.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.VI.
+
+How, the fray being over, Panurge cheapened one of Dingdong's sheep.
+
+This quarrel being hushed, Panurge tipped the wink upon Epistemon and Friar
+John, and taking them aside, Stand at some distance out of the way, said
+he, and take your share of the following scene of mirth.  You shall have
+rare sport anon, if my cake be not dough, and my plot do but take.  Then
+addressing himself to the drover, he took off to him a bumper of good
+lantern wine.  The other pledged him briskly and courteously.  This done,
+Panurge earnestly entreated him to sell him one of his sheep.
+
+But the other answered him, Is it come to that, friend and neighbour?
+Would you put tricks upon travellers?  Alas, how finely you love to play
+upon poor folk!  Nay, you seem a rare chapman, that's the truth on't.  Oh,
+what a mighty sheep-merchant you are!  In good faith, you look liker one of
+the diving trade than a buyer of sheep.  Adzookers, what a blessing it
+would be to have one's purse well lined with chink near your worship at a
+tripe-house when it begins to thaw!  Humph, humph, did not we know you
+well, you might serve one a slippery trick!  Pray do but see, good people,
+what a mighty conjuror the fellow would be reckoned.  Patience, said
+Panurge; but waiving that, be so kind as to sell me one of your sheep.
+Come, how much?  What do you mean, master of mine? answered the other.
+They are long-wool sheep; from these did Jason take his golden fleece.  The
+gold of the house of Burgundy was drawn from them.  Zwoons, man, they are
+oriental sheep, topping sheep, fatted sheep, sheep of quality.  Be it so,
+said Panurge; but sell me one of them, I beseech you; and that for a cause,
+paying you ready money upon the nail, in good and lawful occidental current
+cash.  Wilt say how much?  Friend, neighbour, answered the seller of
+mutton, hark ye me a little, on the ear.
+
+  Panurge.  On which side you please; I hear you.
+
+  Dingdong.  You are going to Lanternland, they say.
+
+  Panurge.  Yea, verily.
+
+  Dingdong.  To see fashions?
+
+  Panurge.  Even so.
+
+  Dingdong.  And be merry?
+
+  Panurge.  And be merry.
+
+  Dingdong.  Your name is, as I take it, Robin Mutton?
+
+  Panurge.  As you please for that, sweet sir.
+
+  Dingdong.  Nay, without offence.
+
+  Panurge.  So I would have it.
+
+  Dingdong.  You are, as I take it, the king's jester; aren't you?
+
+  Panurge.  Ay, ay, anything.
+
+  Dingdong.  Give me your hand--humph, humph, you go to see fashions, you
+are the king's jester, your name is Robin Mutton!  Do you see this same
+ram?  His name, too, is Robin.  Here, Robin, Robin, Robin!  Baea, baea,
+baea.  Hath he not a rare voice?
+
+  Panurge.  Ay, marry has he, a very fine and harmonious voice.
+
+  Dingdong.  Well, this bargain shall be made between you and me, friend
+and neighbour; we will get a pair of scales, then you Robin Mutton shall be
+put into one of them, and Tup Robin into the other.  Now I will hold you a
+peck of Busch oysters that in weight, value, and price he shall outdo you,
+and you shall be found light in the very numerical manner as when you shall
+be hanged and suspended.
+
+Patience, said Panurge; but you would do much for me and your whole
+posterity if you would chaffer with me for him, or some other of his
+inferiors.  I beg it of you; good your worship, be so kind.  Hark ye,
+friend of mine, answered the other; with the fleece of these your fine
+Rouen cloth is to be made; your Leominster superfine wool is mine arse to
+it; mere flock in comparison.  Of their skins the best cordovan will be
+made, which shall be sold for Turkey and Montelimart, or for Spanish
+leather at least.  Of the guts shall be made fiddle and harp strings that
+will sell as dear as if they came from Munican or Aquileia.  What do you
+think on't, hah?  If you please, sell me one of them, said Panurge, and I
+will be yours for ever.  Look, here's ready cash.  What's the price?  This
+he said exhibiting his purse stuffed with new Henricuses.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.VII.
+
+Which if you read you'll find how Panurge bargained with Dingdong.
+
+Neighbour, my friend, answered Dingdong, they are meat for none but kings
+and princes; their flesh is so delicate, so savoury, and so dainty that one
+would swear it melted in the mouth.  I bring them out of a country where
+the very hogs, God be with us, live on nothing but myrobolans.  The sows in
+the styes when they lie-in (saving the honour of this good company) are fed
+only with orange-flowers.  But, said Panurge, drive a bargain with me for
+one of them, and I will pay you for't like a king, upon the honest word of
+a true Trojan; come, come, what do you ask?  Not so fast, Robin, answered
+the trader; these sheep are lineally descended from the very family of the
+ram that wafted Phryxus and Helle over the sea since called the Hellespont.
+A pox on't, said Panurge, you are clericus vel addiscens!  Ita is a
+cabbage, and vere a leek, answered the merchant.  But, rr, rrr, rrrr,
+rrrrr, hoh Robin, rr, rrrrrrr, you don't understand that gibberish, do you?
+Now I think on't, over all the fields where they piss, corn grows as fast
+as if the Lord had pissed there; they need neither be tilled nor dunged.
+Besides, man, your chemists extract the best saltpetre in the world out of
+their urine.  Nay, with their very dung (with reverence be it spoken) the
+doctors in our country make pills that cure seventy-eight kinds of
+diseases, the least of which is the evil of St. Eutropius of Xaintes, from
+which, good Lord, deliver us!  Now what do you think on't, neighbour, my
+friend?  The truth is, they cost me money, that they do.  Cost what they
+will, cried Panurge, trade with me for one of them, paying you well.  Our
+friend, quoth the quacklike sheepman, do but mind the wonders of nature
+that are found in those animals, even in a member which one would think
+were of no use.  Take me but these horns, and bray them a little with an
+iron pestle, or with an andiron, which you please, it is all one to me;
+then bury them wherever you will, provided it be where the sun may shine,
+and water them frequently; in a few months I'll engage you will have the
+best asparagus in the world, not even excepting those of Ravenna.  Now,
+come and tell me whether the horns of your other knights of the bull's
+feather have such a virtue and wonderful propriety?
+
+Patience, said Panurge.  I don't know whether you be a scholar or no,
+pursued Dingdong; I have seen a world of scholars, I say great scholars,
+that were cuckolds, I'll assure you.  But hark you me, if you were a
+scholar, you should know that in the most inferior members of those
+animals, which are the feet, there is a bone, which is the heel, the
+astragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, and with that of no other
+creature breathing, except the Indian ass and the dorcades of Libya, they
+used in old times to play at the royal game of dice, whereat Augustus the
+emperor won above fifty thousand crowns one evening.  Now such cuckolds as
+you will be hanged ere you get half so much at it.  Patience, said Panurge;
+but let us despatch.  And when, my friend and neighbour, continued the
+canting sheepseller, shall I have duly praised the inward members, the
+shoulders, the legs, the knuckles, the neck, the breast, the liver, the
+spleen, the tripes, the kidneys, the bladder, wherewith they make
+footballs; the ribs, which serve in Pigmyland to make little crossbows to
+pelt the cranes with cherry-stones; the head, which with a little brimstone
+serves to make a miraculous decoction to loosen and ease the belly of
+costive dogs?  A turd on't, said the skipper to his preaching passenger,
+what a fiddle-faddle have we here?  There is too long a lecture by half:
+sell him if thou wilt; if thou won't, don't let the man lose more time.  I
+hate a gibble-gabble and a rimble-ramble talk.  I am for a man of brevity.
+I will, for your sake, replied the holder-forth; but then he shall give me
+three livres, French money, for each pick and choose.  It is a woundy
+price, cried Panurge; in our country I could have five, nay six, for the
+money; see that you do not overreach me, master.  You are not the first man
+whom I have known to have fallen, even sometimes to the endangering, if not
+breaking, of his own neck, for endeavouring to rise all at once.  A murrain
+seize thee for a blockheaded booby, cried the angry seller of sheep; by the
+worthy vow of Our Lady of Charroux, the worst in this flock is four times
+better than those which the Coraxians in Tuditania, a country of Spain,
+used to sell for a gold talent each; and how much dost thou think, thou
+Hibernian fool, that a talent of gold was worth?  Sweet sir, you fall into
+a passion, I see, returned Panurge; well, hold, here is your money.
+Panurge, having paid his money, chose him out of all the flock a fine
+topping ram; and as he was hauling it along, crying out and bleating, all
+the rest, hearing and bleating in concert, stared to see whither their
+brother-ram should be carried.  In the meanwhile the drover was saying to
+his shepherds:  Ah! how well the knave could choose him out a ram; the
+whoreson has skill in cattle.  On my honest word, I reserved that very
+piece of flesh for the Lord of Cancale, well knowing his disposition; for
+the good man is naturally overjoyed when he holds a good-sized handsome
+shoulder of mutton, instead of a left-handed racket, in one hand, with a
+good sharp carver in the other.  God wot, how he belabours himself then.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.VIII.
+
+How Panurge caused Dingdong and his sheep to be drowned in the sea.
+
+On a sudden, you would wonder how the thing was so soon done--for my part I
+cannot tell you, for I had not leisure to mind it--our friend Panurge,
+without any further tittle-tattle, throws you his ram overboard into the
+middle of the sea, bleating and making a sad noise.  Upon this all the
+other sheep in the ship, crying and bleating in the same tone, made all the
+haste they could to leap nimbly into the sea, one after another; and great
+was the throng who should leap in first after their leader.  It was
+impossible to hinder them; for you know that it is the nature of sheep
+always to follow the first wheresoever it goes; which makes Aristotle, lib.
+9. De. Hist. Animal., mark them for the most silly and foolish animals in
+the world.  Dingdong, at his wits' end, and stark staring mad, as a man who
+saw his sheep destroy and drown themselves before his face, strove to
+hinder and keep them back with might and main; but all in vain:  they all
+one after t'other frisked and jumped into the sea, and were lost.  At last
+he laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece, upon the deck of the ship,
+hoping to keep it back, and so save that and the rest; but the ram was so
+strong that it proved too hard for him, and carried its master into the
+herring pond in spite of his teeth--where it is supposed he drank somewhat
+more than his fill, so that he was drowned--in the same manner as one-eyed
+Polyphemus' sheep carried out of the den Ulysses and his companions.  The
+like happened to the shepherds and all their gang, some laying hold on
+their beloved tup, this by the horns, t'other by the legs, a third by the
+rump, and others by the fleece; till in fine they were all of them forced
+to sea, and drowned like so many rats.  Panurge, on the gunnel of the ship,
+with an oar in his hand, not to help them you may swear, but to keep them
+from swimming to the ship and saving themselves from drowning, preached and
+canted to them all the while like any little Friar (Oliver) Maillard, or
+another Friar John Burgess; laying before them rhetorical commonplaces
+concerning the miseries of this life and the blessings and felicity of the
+next; assuring them that the dead were much happier than the living in this
+vale of misery, and promised to erect a stately cenotaph and honorary tomb
+to every one of them on the highest summit of Mount Cenis at his return
+from Lanternland; wishing them, nevertheless, in case they were not yet
+disposed to shake hands with this life, and did not like their salt liquor,
+they might have the good luck to meet with some kind whale which might set
+them ashore safe and sound on some blessed land of Gotham, after a famous
+example.
+
+The ship being cleared of Dingdong and his tups:  Is there ever another
+sheepish soul left lurking on board? cried Panurge.  Where are those of
+Toby Lamb and Robin Ram that sleep while the rest are a-feeding?  Faith, I
+can't tell myself.  This was an old coaster's trick.  What think'st of it,
+Friar John, hah?  Rarely performed, answered Friar John; only methinks that
+as formerly in war, on the day of battle, a double pay was commonly
+promised the soldiers for that day; for if they overcame, there was enough
+to pay them; and if they lost, it would have been shameful for them to
+demand it, as the cowardly foresters did after the battle of Cerizoles;
+likewise, my friend, you ought not to have paid your man, and the money had
+been saved.  A fart for the money, said Panurge; have I not had above fifty
+thousand pounds' worth of sport?  Come now, let's be gone; the wind is
+fair.  Hark you me, my friend John; never did man do me a good turn, but I
+returned, or at least acknowledged it; no, I scorn to be ungrateful; I
+never was, nor ever will be.  Never did man do me an ill one without rueing
+the day that he did it, either in this world or the next.  I am not yet so
+much a fool neither.  Thou damn'st thyself like any old devil, quoth Friar
+John; it is written, Mihi vindictam, &c.  Matter of breviary, mark ye me
+(Motteux adds unnecessarily (by way of explanation), 'that's holy stuff.').
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.IX.
+
+How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Ennasin, and of the strange ways of
+being akin in that country.
+
+We had still the wind at south-south-west, and had been a whole day without
+making land.  On the third day, at the flies' uprising (which, you know, is
+some two or three hours after the sun's), we got sight of a triangular
+island, very much like Sicily for its form and situation.  It was called
+the Island of Alliances.
+
+The people there are much like your carrot-pated Poitevins, save only that
+all of them, men, women, and children, have their noses shaped like an ace
+of clubs.  For that reason the ancient name of the country was Ennasin.
+They were all akin, as the mayor of the place told us; at least they
+boasted so.
+
+You people of the other world esteem it a wonderful thing that, out of the
+family of the Fabii at Rome, on a certain day, which was the 13th of
+February, at a certain gate, which was the Porta Carmentalis, since named
+Scelerata, formerly situated at the foot of the Capitol, between the
+Tarpeian rock and the Tiber, marched out against the Veientes of Etruria
+three hundred and six men bearing arms, all related to each other, with
+five thousand other soldiers, every one of them their vassals, who were all
+slain near the river Cremera, that comes out of the lake of Beccano.  Now
+from this same country of Ennasin, in case of need, above three hundred
+thousand, all relations and of one family, might march out.  Their degrees
+of consanguinity and alliance are very strange; for being thus akin and
+allied to one another, we found that none was either father or mother,
+brother or sister, uncle or aunt, nephew or niece, son-in-law or
+daughter-in-law, godfather or godmother, to the other; unless, truly, a tall
+flat-nosed old fellow, who, as I perceived, called a little shitten-arsed
+girl of three or four years old, father, and the child called him daughter.
+
+Their distinction of degrees of kindred was thus:  a man used to call a
+woman, my lean bit; the woman called him, my porpoise.  Those, said Friar
+John, must needs stink damnably of fish when they have rubbed their bacon
+one with the other.  One, smiling on a young buxom baggage, said, Good
+morrow, dear currycomb.  She, to return him his civility, said, The like to
+you, my steed.  Ha! ha! ha! said Panurge, that is pretty well, in faith;
+for indeed it stands her in good stead to currycomb this steed.  Another
+greeted his buttock with a Farewell, my case.  She replied, Adieu, trial.
+By St. Winifred's placket, cried Gymnast, this case has been often tried.
+Another asked a she-friend of his, How is it, hatchet?  She answered him,
+At your service, dear helve.  Odds belly, saith Carpalin, this helve and
+this hatchet are well matched.  As we went on, I saw one who, calling his
+she-relation, styled her my crumb, and she called him, my crust.
+
+Quoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy female, I am glad to see you, dear tap.
+So am I to find you so merry, sweet spiggot, replied she.  One called a
+wench, his shovel; she called him, her peal:  one named his, my slipper;
+and she, my foot:  another, my boot; she, my shasoon.
+
+In the same degree of kindred, one called his, my butter; she called him,
+my eggs; and they were akin just like a dish of buttered eggs.  I heard one
+call his, my tripe, and she him, my faggot.  Now I could not, for the
+heart's blood of me, pick out or discover what parentage, alliance,
+affinity, or consanguinity was between them, with reference to our custom;
+only they told us that she was faggot's tripe.  (Tripe de fagot means the
+smallest sticks in a faggot.)  Another, complimenting his convenient, said,
+Yours, my shell; she replied, I was yours before, sweet oyster.  I reckon,
+said Carpalin, she hath gutted his oyster.  Another long-shanked ugly
+rogue, mounted on a pair of high-heeled wooden slippers, meeting a
+strapping, fusty, squabbed dowdy, says he to her, How is't my top?  She was
+short upon him, and arrogantly replied, Never the better for you, my whip.
+By St. Antony's hog, said Xenomanes, I believe so; for how can this whip be
+sufficient to lash this top?
+
+A college professor, well provided with cod, and powdered and prinked up,
+having a while discoursed with a great lady, taking his leave with these
+words, Thank you, sweetmeat; she cried, There needs no thanks, sour-sauce.
+Saith Pantagruel, This is not altogether incongruous, for sweet meat must
+have sour sauce.  A wooden loggerhead said to a young wench, It is long
+since I saw you, bag; All the better, cried she, pipe.  Set them together,
+said Panurge, then blow in their arses, it will be a bagpipe.  We saw,
+after that, a diminutive humpbacked gallant, pretty near us, taking leave
+of a she-relation of his, thus:  Fare thee well, friend hole; she
+reparteed, Save thee, friend peg.  Quoth Friar John, What could they say
+more, were he all peg and she all hole?  But now would I give something to
+know if every cranny of the hole can be stopped up with that same peg.
+
+A bawdy bachelor, talking with an old trout, was saying, Remember, rusty
+gun.  I will not fail, said she, scourer.  Do you reckon these two to be
+akin? said Pantagruel to the mayor.  I rather take them to be foes.  In our
+country a woman would take this as a mortal affront.  Good people of
+t'other world, replied the mayor, you have few such and so near relations
+as this gun and scourer are to one another; for they both come out of one
+shop.  What, was the shop their mother? quoth Panurge.  What mother, said
+the mayor, does the man mean?  That must be some of your world's affinity;
+we have here neither father nor mother.  Your little paltry fellows that
+live on t'other side the water, poor rogues, booted with wisps of hay, may
+indeed have such; but we scorn it.  The good Pantagruel stood gazing and
+listening; but at those words he had like to have lost all patience. (Here
+Motteux adds an aside--'os kai nun o Ermeneutes.  P.M.').
+
+Having very exactly viewed the situation of the island and the way of
+living of the Enassed nation, we went to take a cup of the creature at a
+tavern, where there happened to be a wedding after the manner of the
+country.  Bating that shocking custom, there was special good cheer.
+
+While we were there, a pleasant match was struck up betwixt a female called
+Pear (a tight thing, as we thought, but by some, who knew better things,
+said to be quaggy and flabby), and a young soft male, called Cheese,
+somewhat sandy.  (Many such matches have been, and they were formerly much
+commended.)  In our country we say, Il ne fut onques tel mariage, qu'est de
+la poire et du fromage; there is no match like that made between the pear
+and the cheese; and in many other places good store of such bargains have
+been driven.  Besides, when the women are at their last prayers, it is to
+this day a noted saying, that after cheese comes nothing.
+
+In another room I saw them marrying an old greasy boot to a young pliable
+buskin.  Pantagruel was told that young buskin took old boot to have and to
+hold because she was of special leather, in good case, and waxed, seared,
+liquored, and greased to the purpose, even though it had been for the
+fisherman that went to bed with his boots on.  In another room below, I saw
+a young brogue taking a young slipper for better for worse; which, they
+told us, was neither for the sake of her piety, parts, or person, but for
+the fourth comprehensive p, portion; the spankers, spur-royals,
+rose-nobles, and other coriander seed with which she was quilted all over.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.X.
+
+How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Chely, where he saw King St.
+Panigon.
+
+We sailed right before the wind, which we had at west, leaving those odd
+alliancers with their ace-of-clubs snouts, and having taken height by the
+sun, stood in for Chely, a large, fruitful, wealthy, and well-peopled
+island.  King St. Panigon, first of the name, reigned there, and, attended
+by the princes his sons and the nobles of his court, came as far as the
+port to receive Pantagruel, and conducted him to his palace; near the gate
+of which the queen, attended by the princesses her daughters and the court
+ladies, received us.  Panigon directed her and all her retinue to salute
+Pantagruel and his men with a kiss; for such was the civil custom of the
+country; and they were all fairly bussed accordingly, except Friar John,
+who stepped aside and sneaked off among the king's officers.  Panigon used
+all the entreaties imaginable to persuade Pantagruel to tarry there that
+day and the next; but he would needs be gone, and excused himself upon the
+opportunity of wind and weather, which, being oftener desired than enjoyed,
+ought not to be neglected when it comes.  Panigon, having heard these
+reasons, let us go, but first made us take off some five-and-twenty or
+thirty bumpers each.
+
+Pantagruel, returning to the port, missed Friar John, and asked why he was
+not with the rest of the company.  Panurge could not tell how to excuse
+him, and would have gone back to the palace to call him, when Friar John
+overtook them, and merrily cried, Long live the noble Panigon!  As I love
+my belly, he minds good eating, and keeps a noble house and a dainty
+kitchen.  I have been there, boys.  Everything goes about by dozens.  I was
+in good hopes to have stuffed my puddings there like a monk.  What! always
+in a kitchen, friend? said Pantagruel.  By the belly of St. Cramcapon,
+quoth the friar, I understand the customs and ceremonies which are used
+there much better than all the formal stuff, antique postures, and
+nonsensical fiddle-faddle that must be used with those women, magni magna,
+shittencumshita, cringes, grimaces, scrapes, bows, and congees; double
+honours this way, triple salutes that way, the embrace, the grasp, the
+squeeze, the hug, the leer, the smack, baso las manos de vostra merce, de
+vostra maesta.  You are most tarabin, tarabas, Stront; that's downright
+Dutch.  Why all this ado?  I don't say but a man might be for a bit by the
+bye and away, to be doing as well as his neighbours; but this little nasty
+cringing and courtesying made me as mad as any March devil.  You talk of
+kissing ladies; by the worthy and sacred frock I wear, I seldom venture
+upon it, lest I be served as was the Lord of Guyercharois.  What was it?
+said Pantagruel; I know him.  He is one of the best friends I have.
+
+He was invited to a sumptuous feast, said Friar John, by a relation and
+neighbour of his, together with all the gentlemen and ladies in the
+neighbourhood.  Now some of the latter expecting his coming, dressed the
+pages in women's clothes, and finified them like any babies; then ordered
+them to meet my lord at his coming near the drawbridge.  So the
+complimenting monsieur came, and there kissed the petticoated lads with
+great formality.  At last the ladies, who minded passages in the gallery,
+burst out with laughing, and made signs to the pages to take off their
+dress; which the good lord having observed, the devil a bit he durst make
+up to the true ladies to kiss them, but said, that since they had disguised
+the pages, by his great grandfather's helmet, these were certainly the very
+footmen and grooms still more cunningly disguised.  Odds fish, da jurandi,
+why do not we rather remove our humanities into some good warm kitchen of
+God, that noble laboratory, and there admire the turning of the spits, the
+harmonious rattling of the jacks and fenders, criticise on the position of
+the lard, the temperature of the pottages, the preparation for the dessert,
+and the order of the wine service?  Beati immaculati in via.  Matter of
+breviary, my masters.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XI.
+
+Why monks love to be in kitchens.
+
+This, said Epistemon, is spoke like a true monk; I mean like a right
+monking monk, not a bemonked monastical monkling.  Truly you put me in mind
+of some passages that happened at Florence, some twenty years ago, in a
+company of studious travellers, fond of visiting the learned, and seeing
+the antiquities of Italy, among whom I was.  As we viewed the situation and
+beauty of Florence, the structure of the dome, the magnificence of the
+churches and palaces, we strove to outdo one another in giving them their
+due; when a certain monk of Amiens, Bernard Lardon by name, quite angry,
+scandalized, and out of all patience, told us, I don't know what the devil
+you can find in this same town, that is so much cried up; for my part I
+have looked and pored and stared as well as the best of you; I think my
+eyesight is as clear as another body's, and what can one see after all?
+There are fine houses, indeed and that's all.  But the cage does not feed
+the birds.  God and Monsieur St. Bernard, our good patron, be with us! in
+all this same town I have not seen one poor lane of roasting cooks; and yet
+I have not a little looked about and sought for so necessary a part of a
+commonwealth:  ay, and I dare assure you that I have pried up and down with
+the exactness of an informer; as ready to number, both to the right and
+left, how many, and on what side, we might find most roasting cooks, as a
+spy would be to reckon the bastions of a town.  Now at Amiens, in four,
+nay, five times less ground than we have trod in our contemplations, I
+could have shown you above fourteen streets of roasting cooks, most
+ancient, savoury, and aromatic.  I cannot imagine what kind of pleasure you
+can have taken in gazing on the lions and Africans (so methinks you call
+their tigers) near the belfry, or in ogling the porcupines and estridges in
+the Lord Philip Strozzi's palace.  Faith and truth I had rather see a good
+fat goose at the spit.  This porphyry, those marbles are fine; I say
+nothing to the contrary; but our cheesecakes at Amiens are far better in my
+mind.  These ancient statues are well made; I am willing to believe it;
+but, by St. Ferreol of Abbeville, we have young wenches in our country
+which please me better a thousand times.
+
+What is the reason, asked Friar John, that monks are always to be found in
+kitchens, and kings, emperors, and popes are never there?  Is there not,
+said Rhizotome, some latent virtue and specific propriety hid in the
+kettles and pans, which, as the loadstone attracts iron, draws the monks
+there, and cannot attract emperors, popes, or kings?  Or is it a natural
+induction and inclination, fixed in the frocks and cowls, which of itself
+leads and forceth those good religious men into kitchens, whether they will
+or no?  He would speak of forms following matter, as Averroes calls them,
+answered Epistemon.  Right, said Friar John.
+
+I will not offer to solve this problem, said Pantagruel; for it is somewhat
+ticklish, and you can hardly handle it without coming off scurvily; but I
+will tell you what I have heard.
+
+Antigonus, King of Macedon, one day coming into one of the tents, where his
+cooks used to dress his meat, and finding there poet Antagoras frying a
+conger, and holding the pan himself, merrily asked him, Pray, Mr. Poet, was
+Homer frying congers when he wrote the deeds of Agamemnon?  Antagoras
+readily answered:  But do you think, sir, that when Agamemnon did them he
+made it his business to know if any in his camp were frying congers?  The
+king thought it an indecency that a poet should be thus a-frying in a
+kitchen; and the poet let the king know that it was a more indecent thing
+for a king to be found in such a place.  I'll clap another story upon the
+neck of this, quoth Panurge, and will tell you what Breton Villandry
+answered one day to the Duke of Guise.
+
+They were saying that at a certain battle of King Francis against Charles
+the Fifth, Breton, armed cap-a-pie to the teeth, and mounted like St.
+George, yet sneaked off, and played least in sight during the engagement.
+Blood and oons, answered Breton, I was there, and can prove it easily; nay,
+even where you, my lord, dared not have been.  The duke began to resent
+this as too rash and saucy; but Breton easily appeased him, and set them
+all a-laughing.  Egad, my lord, quoth he, I kept out of harm's way; I was
+all the while with your page Jack, skulking in a certain place where you
+had not dared hide your head as I did.  Thus discoursing, they got to their
+ships, and left the island of Chely.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XII.
+
+How Pantagruel passed by the land of Pettifogging, and of the strange way
+of living among the Catchpoles.
+
+Steering our course forwards the next day, we passed through Pettifogging,
+a country all blurred and blotted, so that I could hardly tell what to make
+on't.  There we saw some pettifoggers and catchpoles, rogues that will hang
+their father for a groat.  They neither invited us to eat or drink; but,
+with a multiplied train of scrapes and cringes, said they were all at our
+service for the Legem pone.
+
+One of our droggermen related to Pantagruel their strange way of living,
+diametrically opposed to that of our modern Romans; for at Rome a world of
+folks get an honest livelihood by poisoning, drubbing, lambasting,
+stabbing, and murthering; but the catchpoles earn theirs by being thrashed;
+so that if they were long without a tight lambasting, the poor dogs with
+their wives and children would be starved.  This is just, quoth Panurge,
+like those who, as Galen tells us, cannot erect the cavernous nerve towards
+the equinoctial circle unless they are soundly flogged.  By St. Patrick's
+slipper, whoever should jerk me so, would soon, instead of setting me
+right, throw me off the saddle, in the devil's name.
+
+The way is this, said the interpreter.  When a monk, levite, close-fisted
+usurer, or lawyer owes a grudge to some neighbouring gentleman, he sends to
+him one of those catchpoles or apparitors, who nabs, or at least cites him,
+serves a writ or warrant upon him, thumps, abuses, and affronts him
+impudently by natural instinct, and according to his pious instructions;
+insomuch, that if the gentleman hath but any guts in his brains, and is not
+more stupid than a gyrin frog, he will find himself obliged either to apply
+a faggot-stick or his sword to the rascal's jobbernowl, give him the gentle
+lash, or make him cut a caper out at the window, by way of correction.
+This done, Catchpole is rich for four months at least, as if bastinadoes
+were his real harvest; for the monk, levite, usurer, or lawyer will reward
+him roundly; and my gentleman must pay him such swingeing damages that his
+acres must bleed for it, and he be in danger of miserably rotting within a
+stone doublet, as if he had struck the king.
+
+Quoth Panurge, I know an excellent remedy against this used by the Lord of
+Basche.  What is it? said Pantagruel.  The Lord of Basche, said Panurge,
+was a brave, honest, noble-spirited gentleman, who, at his return from the
+long war in which the Duke of Ferrara, with the help of the French, bravely
+defended himself against the fury of Pope Julius the Second, was every day
+cited, warned, and prosecuted at the suit and for the sport and fancy of
+the fat prior of St. Louant.
+
+One morning, as he was at breakfast with some of his domestics (for he
+loved to be sometimes among them) he sent for one Loire, his baker, and his
+spouse, and for one Oudart, the vicar of his parish, who was also his
+butler, as the custom was then in France; then said to them before his
+gentlemen and other servants:  You all see how I am daily plagued with
+these rascally catchpoles.  Truly, if you do not lend me your helping hand,
+I am finally resolved to leave the country, and go fight for the sultan, or
+the devil, rather than be thus eternally teased.  Therefore, to be rid of
+their damned visits, hereafter, when any of them come here, be ready, you
+baker and your wife, to make your personal appearance in my great hall, in
+your wedding clothes, as if you were going to be affianced.  Here, take
+these ducats, which I give you to keep you in a fitting garb.  As for you,
+Sir Oudart, be sure you make your personal appearance there in your fine
+surplice and stole, not forgetting your holy water, as if you were to wed
+them.  Be you there also, Trudon, said he to his drummer, with your pipe
+and tabor.  The form of matrimony must be read, and the bride kissed; then
+all of you, as the witnesses used to do in this country, shall give one
+another the remembrance of the wedding, which you know is to be a blow with
+your fist, bidding the party struck remember the nuptials by that token.
+This will but make you have the better stomach to your supper; but when you
+come to the catchpole's turn, thrash him thrice and threefold, as you would
+a sheaf of green corn; do not spare him; maul him, drub him, lambast him,
+swinge him off, I pray you.  Here, take these steel gauntlets, covered with
+kid.  Head, back, belly, and sides, give him blows innumerable; he that
+gives him most shall be my best friend.  Fear not to be called to an
+account about it; I will stand by you; for the blows must seem to be given
+in jest, as it is customary among us at all weddings.
+
+Ay, but how shall we know the catchpole? said the man of God.  All sorts of
+people daily resort to this castle.  I have taken care of that, replied the
+lord.  When some fellow, either on foot, or on a scurvy jade, with a large
+broad silver ring on his thumb, comes to the door, he is certainly a
+catchpole; the porter having civilly let him in, shall ring the bell; then
+be all ready, and come into the hall, to act the tragi-comedy whose plot I
+have now laid for you.
+
+That numerical day, as chance would have it, came an old fat ruddy
+catchpole.  Having knocked at the gate, and then pissed, as most men will
+do, the porter soon found him out, by his large greasy spatterdashes, his
+jaded hollow-flanked mare, his bagful of writs and informations dangling at
+his girdle, but, above all, by the large silver hoop on his left thumb.
+
+The porter was civil to him, admitted him in kindly, and rung the bell
+briskly. As soon as the baker and his wife heard it, they clapped on their
+best clothes, and made their personal appearance in the hall, keeping their
+gravities like a new-made judge.  The dominie put on his surplice and
+stole, and as he came out of his office, met the catchpole, had him in
+there, and made him suck his face a good while, while the gauntlets were
+drawing on all hands; and then told him, You are come just in pudding-time;
+my lord is in his right cue.  We shall feast like kings anon; here is to be
+swingeing doings; we have a wedding in the house; here, drink and cheer up;
+pull away.
+
+While these two were at it hand-to-fist, Basche, seeing all his people in
+the hall in their proper equipage, sends for the vicar.  Oudart comes with
+the holy-water pot, followed by the catchpole, who, as he came into the
+hall, did not forget to make good store of awkward cringes, and then served
+Basche with a writ.  Basche gave him grimace for grimace, slipped an angel
+into his mutton-fist, and prayed him to assist at the contract and
+ceremony; which he did.  When it was ended, thumps and fisticuffs began to
+fly about among the assistants; but when it came to the catchpole's turn,
+they all laid on him so unmercifully with their gauntlets that they at last
+settled him, all stunned and battered, bruised and mortified, with one of
+his eyes black and blue, eight ribs bruised, his brisket sunk in, his
+omoplates in four quarters, his under jawbone in three pieces; and all this
+in jest, and no harm done.  God wot how the levite belaboured him, hiding
+within the long sleeve of his canonical shirt his huge steel gauntlet lined
+with ermine; for he was a strong-built ball, and an old dog at fisticuffs.
+The catchpole, all of a bloody tiger-like stripe, with much ado crawled
+home to L'Isle Bouchart, well pleased and edified, however, with Basche's
+kind reception; and, with the help of the good surgeons of the place, lived
+as long as you would have him.  From that time to this, not a word of the
+business; the memory of it was lost with the sound of the bells that rung
+with joy at his funeral.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XIII.
+
+How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basche commended his servants.
+
+The catchpole being packed off on blind Sorrel--so he called his one-eyed
+mare--Basche sent for his lady, her women, and all his servants, into the
+arbour of his garden; had wine brought, attended with good store of
+pasties, hams, fruit, and other table-ammunition, for a nunchion; drank
+with them joyfully, and then told them this story:
+
+Master Francis Villon in his old age retired to St. Maxent in Poitou, under
+the patronage of a good honest abbot of the place.  There to make sport for
+the mob, he undertook to get the Passion acted, after the way, and in the
+dialect of the country.  The parts being distributed, the play having been
+rehearsed, and the stage prepared, he told the mayor and aldermen that the
+mystery might be ready after Niort fair, and that there only wanted
+properties and necessaries, but chiefly clothes fit for the parts; so the
+mayor and his brethren took care to get them.
+
+Villon, to dress an old clownish father greybeard, who was to represent God
+the father, begged of Friar Stephen Tickletoby, sacristan to the Franciscan
+friars of the place, to lend him a cope and a stole.  Tickletoby refused
+him, alleging that by their provincial statutes it was rigorously forbidden
+to give or lend anything to players.  Villon replied that the statute
+reached no farther than farces, drolls, antics, loose and dissolute games,
+and that he asked no more than what he had seen allowed at Brussels and
+other places.  Tickletoby notwithstanding peremptorily bid him provide
+himself elsewhere if he would, and not to hope for anything out of his
+monastical wardrobe.  Villon gave an account of this to the players, as of
+a most abominable action; adding, that God would shortly revenge himself,
+and make an example of Tickletoby.
+
+The Saturday following he had notice given him that Tickletoby, upon the
+filly of the convent--so they call a young mare that was never leaped yet
+--was gone a-mumping to St. Ligarius, and would be back about two in the
+afternoon.  Knowing this, he made a cavalcade of his devils of the Passion
+through the town.  They were all rigged with wolves', calves', and rams'
+skins, laced and trimmed with sheep's heads, bull's feathers, and large
+kitchen tenterhooks, girt with broad leathern girdles, whereat hanged
+dangling huge cow-bells and horse-bells, which made a horrid din.  Some
+held in their claws black sticks full of squibs and crackers; others had
+long lighted pieces of wood, upon which, at the corner of every street,
+they flung whole handfuls of rosin-dust, that made a terrible fire and
+smoke.  Having thus led them about, to the great diversion of the mob and
+the dreadful fear of little children, he finally carried them to an
+entertainment at a summer-house without the gate that leads to St.
+Ligarius.
+
+As they came near to the place, he espied Tickletoby afar off, coming home
+from mumping, and told them in macaronic verse:
+
+  Hic est de patria, natus, de gente belistra,
+  Qui solet antiqua bribas portare bisacco. (Motteux reads:
+
+  'Hic est mumpator natus de gente Cucowli,
+  Qui solet antiquo Scrappas portare bisacco.')
+
+A plague on his friarship, said the devils then; the lousy beggar would not
+lend a poor cope to the fatherly father; let us fright him.  Well said,
+cried Villon; but let us hide ourselves till he comes by, and then charge
+him home briskly with your squibs and burning sticks.  Tickletoby being
+come to the place, they all rushed on a sudden into the road to meet him,
+and in a frightful manner threw fire from all sides upon him and his filly
+foal, ringing and tingling their bells, and howling like so many real
+devils, Hho, hho, hho, hho, brrou, rrou, rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, hou
+hho, hho, hhoi.  Friar Stephen, don't we play the devils rarely?  The filly
+was soon scared out of her seven senses, and began to start, to funk it, to
+squirt it, to trot it, to fart it, to bound it, to gallop it, to kick it,
+to spurn it, to calcitrate it, to wince it, to frisk it, to leap it, to
+curvet it, with double jerks, and bum-motions; insomuch that she threw down
+Tickletoby, though he held fast by the tree of the pack-saddle with might
+and main.  Now his straps and stirrups were of cord; and on the right side
+his sandals were so entangled and twisted that he could not for the heart's
+blood of him get out his foot.  Thus he was dragged about by the filly
+through the road, scratching his bare breech all the way; she still
+multiplying her kicks against him, and straying for fear over hedge and
+ditch, insomuch that she trepanned his thick skull so that his cockle
+brains were dashed out near the Osanna or high-cross.  Then his arms fell
+to pieces, one this way and the other that way; and even so were his legs
+served at the same time.  Then she made a bloody havoc with his puddings;
+and being got to the convent, brought back only his right foot and twisted
+sandal, leaving them to guess what was become of the rest.
+
+Villon, seeing that things had succeeded as he intended, said to his
+devils, You will act rarely, gentlemen devils, you will act rarely; I dare
+engage you'll top your parts.  I defy the devils of Saumur, Douay,
+Montmorillon, Langez, St. Espain, Angers; nay, by gad, even those of
+Poictiers, for all their bragging and vapouring, to match you.
+
+Thus, friends, said Basche, I foresee that hereafter you will act rarely
+this tragical farce, since the very first time you have so skilfully
+hampered, bethwacked, belammed, and bebumped the catchpole.  From this day
+I double your wages.  As for you, my dear, said he to his lady, make your
+gratifications as you please; you are my treasurer, you know.  For my part,
+first and foremost, I drink to you all.  Come on, box it about; it is good
+and cool.  In the second place, you, Mr. Steward, take this silver basin; I
+give it you freely.  Then you, my gentlemen of the horse, take these two
+silver-gilt cups, and let not the pages be horsewhipped these three months.
+My dear, let them have my best white plumes of feathers, with the gold
+buckles to them.  Sir Oudart, this silver flagon falls to your share; this
+other I give to the cooks.  To the valets de chambre I give this silver
+basket; to the grooms, this silver-gilt boat; to the porter, these two
+plates; to the hostlers, these ten porringers.  Trudon, take you these
+silver spoons and this sugar-box.  You, footman, take this large salt.
+Serve me well, and I will remember you.  For, on the word of a gentleman, I
+had rather bear in war one hundred blows on my helmet in the service of my
+country than be once cited by these knavish catchpoles merely to humour
+this same gorbellied prior.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XIV.
+
+A further account of catchpoles who were drubbed at Basche's house.
+
+Four days after another young, long-shanked, raw-boned catchpole coming to
+serve Basche with a writ at the fat prior's request, was no sooner at the
+gate but the porter smelt him out and rung the bell; at whose second pull
+all the family understood the mystery.  Loire was kneading his dough; his
+wife was sifting meal; Oudart was toping in his office; the gentlemen were
+playing at tennis; the Lord Basche at in-and-out with my lady; the
+waiting-men and gentle-women at push-pin; the officers at lanterloo, and the
+pages at hot-cockles, giving one another smart bangs.  They were all
+immediately informed that a catchpole was housed.
+
+Upon this Oudart put on his sacerdotal, and Loire and his wife their
+nuptial badges; Trudon piped it, and then tabored it like mad; all made
+haste to get ready, not forgetting the gauntlets.  Basche went into the
+outward yard; there the catchpole meeting him fell on his marrow-bones,
+begged of him not to take it ill if he served him with a writ at the suit
+of the fat prior; and in a pathetic speech let him know that he was a
+public person, a servant to the monking tribe, apparitor to the abbatial
+mitre, ready to do as much for him, nay, for the least of his servants,
+whensoever he would employ and use him.
+
+Nay, truly, said the lord, you shall not serve your writ till you have
+tasted some of my good Quinquenays wine, and been a witness to a wedding
+which we are to have this very minute.  Let him drink and refresh himself,
+added he, turning towards the levitical butler, and then bring him into the
+hall.  After which, Catchpole, well stuffed and moistened, came with Oudart
+to the place where all the actors in the farce stood ready to begin.  The
+sight of their game set them a-laughing, and the messenger of mischief
+grinned also for company's sake.  Then the mysterious words were muttered
+to and by the couple, their hands joined, the bride bussed, and all
+besprinkled with holy water.  While they were bringing wine and kickshaws,
+thumps began to trot about by dozens.  The catchpole gave the levite
+several blows.  Oudart, who had his gauntlet hid under his canonical shirt,
+draws it on like a mitten, and then, with his clenched fist, souse he fell
+on the catchpole and mauled him like a devil; the junior gauntlets dropped
+on him likewise like so many battering rams.  Remember the wedding by this,
+by that, by these blows, said they.  In short, they stroked him so to the
+purpose that he pissed blood out at mouth, nose, ears, and eyes, and was
+bruised, thwacked, battered, bebumped, and crippled at the back, neck,
+breast, arms, and so forth.  Never did the bachelors at Avignon in carnival
+time play more melodiously at raphe than was then played on the catchpole's
+microcosm.  At last down he fell.
+
+They threw a great deal of wine on his snout, tied round the sleeve of his
+doublet a fine yellow and green favour, and got him upon his snotty beast,
+and God knows how he got to L'Isle Bouchart; where I cannot truly tell you
+whether he was dressed and looked after or no, both by his spouse and the
+able doctors of the country; for the thing never came to my ears.
+
+The next day they had a third part to the same tune, because it did not
+appear by the lean catchpole's bag that he had served his writ.  So the fat
+prior sent a new catchpole, at the head of a brace of bums for his garde du
+corps, to summon my lord.  The porter ringing the bell, the whole family
+was overjoyed, knowing that it was another rogue.  Basche was at dinner
+with his lady and the gentlemen; so he sent for the catchpole, made him sit
+by him, and the bums by the women, and made them eat till their bellies
+cracked with their breeches unbuttoned.  The fruit being served, the
+catchpole arose from table, and before the bums cited Basche.  Basche
+kindly asked him for a copy of the warrant, which the other had got ready;
+he then takes witness and a copy of the summons.  To the catchpole and his
+bums he ordered four ducats for civility money.  In the meantime all were
+withdrawn for the farce.  So Trudon gave the alarm with his tabor.  Basche
+desired the catchpole to stay and see one of his servants married, and
+witness the contract of marriage, paying him his fee.  The catchpole
+slapdash was ready, took out his inkhorn, got paper immediately, and his
+bums by him.
+
+Then Loire came into the hall at one door, and his wife with the
+gentlewomen at another, in nuptial accoutrements.  Oudart, in
+pontificalibus, takes them both by their hands, asketh them their will,
+giveth them the matrimonial blessing, and was very liberal of holy water.
+The contract written, signed, and registered, on one side was brought wine
+and comfits; on the other, white and orange-tawny-coloured favours were
+distributed; on another, gauntlets privately handed about.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XV.
+
+How the ancient custom at nuptials is renewed by the catchpole.
+
+The catchpole, having made shift to get down a swingeing sneaker of Breton
+wine, said to Basche, Pray, sir, what do you mean?  You do not give one
+another the memento of the wedding.  By St. Joseph's wooden shoe, all good
+customs are forgot.  We find the form, but the hare is scampered; and the
+nest, but the birds are flown.  There are no true friends nowadays.  You
+see how, in several churches, the ancient laudable custom of tippling on
+account of the blessed saints O O, at Christmas, is come to nothing.  The
+world is in its dotage, and doomsday is certainly coming all so fast.  Now
+come on; the wedding, the wedding, the wedding; remember it by this.  This
+he said, striking Basche and his lady; then her women and the levite.  Then
+the tabor beat a point of war, and the gauntlets began to do their duty;
+insomuch that the catchpole had his crown cracked in no less than nine
+places.  One of the bums had his right arm put out of joint, and the other
+his upper jaw-bone or mandibule dislocated so that it hid half his chin,
+with a denudation of the uvula, and sad loss of the molar, masticatory, and
+canine teeth.  Then the tabor beat a retreat; the gauntlets were carefully
+hid in a trice, and sweetmeats afresh distributed to renew the mirth of the
+company.  So they all drank to one another, and especially to the catchpole
+and his bums.  But Oudart cursed and damned the wedding to the pit of hell,
+complaining that one of the bums had utterly disincornifistibulated his
+nether shoulder-blade.  Nevertheless, he scorned to be thought a flincher,
+and made shift to tope to him on the square.
+
+The jawless bum shrugged up his shoulders, joined his hands, and by signs
+begged his pardon; for speak he could not.  The sham bridegroom made his
+moan, that the crippled bum had struck him such a horrid thump with his
+shoulder-of-mutton fist on the nether elbow that he was grown quite
+esperruquanchuzelubelouzerireliced down to his very heel, to the no small
+loss of mistress bride.
+
+But what harm had poor I done? cried Trudon, hiding his left eye with his
+kerchief, and showing his tabor cracked on one side; they were not
+satisfied with thus poaching, black and bluing, and
+morrambouzevezengouzequoquemorgasacbaquevezinemaffreliding my poor eyes,
+but they have also broke my harmless drum.  Drums indeed are commonly
+beaten at weddings, and it is fit they should; but drummers are well
+entertained and never beaten.  Now let Beelzebub e'en take the drum, to
+make his devilship a nightcap.  Brother, said the lame catchpole, never
+fret thyself; I will make thee a present of a fine, large, old patent,
+which I have here in my bag, to patch up thy drum, and for Madame St.
+Ann's sake I pray thee forgive us.  By Our Lady of Riviere, the blessed
+dame, I meant no more harm than the child unborn.  One of the equerries,
+who, hopping and halting like a mumping cripple, mimicked the good limping
+Lord de la Roche Posay, directed his discourse to the bum with the pouting
+jaw, and told him:  What, Mr. Manhound, was it not enough thus to have
+morcrocastebezasteverestegrigeligoscopapopondrillated us all in our upper
+members with your botched mittens, but you must also apply such
+morderegripippiatabirofreluchamburelurecaquelurintimpaniments on our
+shinbones with the hard tops and extremities of your cobbled shoes.  Do
+you call this children's play?  By the mass, 'tis no jest.  The bum,
+wringing his hands, seemed to beg his pardon, muttering with his tongue,
+Mon, mon, mon, vrelon, von, von, like a dumb man.  The bride crying
+laughed, and laughing cried, because the catchpole was not satisfied with
+drubbing her without choice or distinction of members, but had also rudely
+roused and toused her, pulled off her topping, and not having the fear of
+her husband before his eyes, treacherously
+trepignemanpenillorifrizonoufresterfumbled tumbled and squeezed her lower
+parts.  The devil go with it, said Basche; there was much need indeed that
+this same Master King (this was the catchpole's name) should thus break my
+wife's back; however, I forgive him now; these are little nuptial
+caresses. But this I plainly perceive, that he cited me like an angel, and
+drubbed me like a devil.  He had something in him of Friar Thumpwell.
+Come, for all this, I must drink to him, and to you likewise, his trusty
+esquires.  But, said his lady, why hath he been so very liberal of his
+manual kindness to me, without the least provocation?  I assure you, I by
+no means like it; but this I dare say for him, that he hath the hardest
+knuckles that ever I felt on my shoulders.  The steward held his left arm
+in a scarf, as if it had been rent and torn in twain.  I think it was the
+devil, said he, that moved me to assist at these nuptials; shame on ill
+luck; I must needs be meddling with a pox, and now see what I have got by
+the bargain, both my arms are wretchedly engoulevezinemassed and bruised.
+Do you call this a wedding?  By St. Bridget's tooth, I had rather be at
+that of a Tom T--d-man.  This is, o' my word, even just such another feast
+as was that of the Lapithae, described by the philosopher of Samosata.
+One of the bums had lost his tongue.  The other two, tho' they had more
+need to complain, made their excuse as well as they could, protesting that
+they had no ill design in this dumbfounding; begging that, for goodness
+sake, they would forgive them; and so, tho' they could hardly budge a
+foot, or wag along, away they crawled.  About a mile from Basche's seat,
+the catchpole found himself somewhat out of sorts.  The bums got to L'Isle
+Bouchart, publicly saying that since they were born they had never seen an
+honester gentleman than the Lord of Basche, or civiller people than his,
+and that they had never been at the like wedding (which I verily believe);
+but that it was their own faults if they had been tickled off, and tossed
+about from post to pillar, since themselves had began the beating.  So
+they lived I cannot exactly tell you how many days after this.  But from
+that time to this it was held for a certain truth that Basche's money was
+more pestilential, mortal, and pernicious to the catchpoles and bums than
+were formerly the aurum Tholosanum and the Sejan horse to those that
+possessed them.  Ever since this he lived quietly, and Basche's wedding
+grew into a common proverb.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XVI.
+
+How Friar John made trial of the nature of the catchpoles.
+
+This story would seem pleasant enough, said Pantagruel, were we not to have
+always the fear of God before our eyes.  It had been better, said
+Epistemon, if those gauntlets had fallen upon the fat prior.  Since he took
+a pleasure in spending his money partly to vex Basche, partly to see those
+catchpoles banged, good lusty thumps would have done well on his shaved
+crown, considering the horrid concussions nowadays among those puny judges.
+What harm had done those poor devils the catchpoles?  This puts me in mind,
+said Pantagruel, of an ancient Roman named L. Neratius.  He was of noble
+blood, and for some time was rich; but had this tyrannical inclination,
+that whenever he went out of doors he caused his servants to fill their
+pockets with gold and silver, and meeting in the street your spruce
+gallants and better sort of beaux, without the least provocation, for his
+fancy, he used to strike them hard on the face with his fist; and
+immediately after that, to appease them and hinder them from complaining to
+the magistrates, he would give them as much money as satisfied them
+according to the law of the twelve tables.  Thus he used to spend his
+revenue, beating people for the price of his money.  By St. Bennet's sacred
+boot, quoth Friar John, I will know the truth of it presently.
+
+This said, he went on shore, put his hand in his fob, and took out twenty
+ducats; then said with a loud voice, in the hearing of a shoal of the
+nation of catchpoles, Who will earn twenty ducats for being beaten like the
+devil?  Io, Io, Io, said they all; you will cripple us for ever, sir, that
+is most certain; but the money is tempting.  With this they were all
+thronging who should be first to be thus preciously beaten.  Friar John
+singled him out of the whole knot of these rogues in grain, a red-snouted
+catchpole, who upon his right thumb wore a thick broad silver hoop, wherein
+was set a good large toadstone.  He had no sooner picked him out from the
+rest, but I perceived that they all muttered and grumbled; and I heard a
+young thin-jawed catchpole, a notable scholar, a pretty fellow at his pen,
+and, according to public report, much cried up for his honesty at Doctors'
+Commons, making his complaint and muttering because this same crimson phiz
+carried away all the practice, and that if there were but a score and a
+half of bastinadoes to be got, he would certainly run away with eight and
+twenty of them.  But all this was looked upon to be nothing but mere envy.
+
+Friar John so unmercifully thrashed, thumped, and belaboured Red-snout,
+back and belly, sides, legs, and arms, head, feet, and so forth, with the
+home and frequently repeated application of one of the best members of a
+faggot, that I took him to be a dead man; then he gave him the twenty
+ducats, which made the dog get on his legs, pleased like a little king or
+two.  The rest were saying to Friar John, Sir, sir, brother devil, if it
+please you to do us the favour to beat some of us for less money, we are
+all at your devilship's command, bags, papers, pens, and all.  Red-snout
+cried out against them, saying, with a loud voice, Body of me, you little
+prigs, will you offer to take the bread out of my mouth? will you take my
+bargain over my head? would you draw and inveigle from me my clients and
+customers?  Take notice, I summon you before the official this day
+sevennight; I will law and claw you like any old devil of Vauverd, that I
+will--Then turning himself towards Friar John, with a smiling and joyful
+look, he said to him, Reverend father in the devil, if you have found me a
+good hide, and have a mind to divert yourself once more by beating your
+humble servant, I will bate you half in half this time rather than lose
+your custom; do not spare me, I beseech you; I am all, and more than all,
+yours, good Mr. Devil; head, lungs, tripes, guts, and garbage; and that at
+a pennyworth, I'll assure you.  Friar John never heeded his proffers, but
+even left them.  The other catchpoles were making addresses to Panurge,
+Epistemon, Gymnast, and others, entreating them charitably to bestow upon
+their carcasses a small beating, for otherwise they were in danger of
+keeping a long fast; but none of them had a stomach to it.  Some time
+after, seeking fresh water for the ship's company, we met a couple of old
+female catchpoles of the place, miserably howling and weeping in concert.
+Pantagruel had kept on board, and already had caused a retreat to be
+sounded.  Thinking that they might be related to the catchpole that was
+bastinadoed, we asked them the occasion of their grief.  They replied that
+they had too much cause to weep; for that very hour, from an exalted triple
+tree, two of the honestest gentlemen in Catchpole-land had been made to cut
+a caper on nothing.  Cut a caper on nothing, said Gymnast; my pages use to
+cut capers on the ground; to cut a caper on nothing should be hanging and
+choking, or I am out.  Ay, ay, said Friar John; you speak of it like St.
+John de la Palisse.
+
+We asked them why they treated these worthy persons with such a choking
+hempen salad.  They told us they had only borrowed, alias stolen, the tools
+of the mass and hid them under the handle of the parish.  This is a very
+allegorical way of speaking, said Epistemon.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XVII.
+
+How Pantagruel came to the islands of Tohu and Bohu; and of the strange
+death of Wide-nostrils, the swallower of windmills.
+
+That day Pantagruel came to the two islands of Tohu and Bohu, where the
+devil a bit we could find anything to fry with.  For one Wide-nostrils,
+a huge giant, had swallowed every individual pan, skillet, kettle,
+frying-pan, dripping-pan, and brass and iron pot in the land, for want of
+windmills, which were his daily food.  Whence it happened that somewhat
+before day, about the hour of his digestion, the greedy churl was taken
+very ill with a kind of a surfeit, or crudity of stomach, occasioned, as
+the physicians said, by the weakness of the concocting faculty of his
+stomach, naturally disposed to digest whole windmills at a gust, yet unable
+to consume perfectly the pans and skillets; though it had indeed pretty
+well digested the kettles and pots, as they said they knew by the
+hypostases and eneoremes of four tubs of second-hand drink which he had
+evacuated at two different times that morning.  They made use of divers
+remedies, according to art, to give him ease; but all would not do; the
+distemper prevailed over the remedies; insomuch that the famous
+Wide-nostrils died that morning of so strange a death that I think you ought
+no longer to wonder at that of the poet Aeschylus.  It had been foretold him
+by the soothsayers that he would die on a certain day by the ruin of
+something that should fall on him.  The fatal day being come in its turn, he
+removed himself out of town, far from all houses, trees, (rocks,) or any
+other things that can fall and endanger by their ruin; and strayed in a
+large field, trusting himself to the open sky; there very secure, as he
+thought, unless indeed the sky should happen to fall, which he held to be
+impossible.  Yet they say that the larks are much afraid of it; for if it
+should fall, they must all be taken.
+
+The Celts that once lived near the Rhine--they are our noble valiant
+French--in ancient times were also afraid of the sky's falling; for being
+asked by Alexander the Great what they feared most in this world, hoping
+well they would say that they feared none but him, considering his great
+achievements, they made answer that they feared nothing but the sky's
+falling; however, not refusing to enter into a confederacy with so brave a
+king, if you believe Strabo, lib. 7, and Arrian, lib. I.
+
+Plutarch also, in his book of the face that appears on the body of the
+moon, speaks of one Phenaces, who very much feared the moon should fall on
+the earth, and pitied those that live under that planet, as the Aethiopians
+and Taprobanians, if so heavy a mass ever happened to fall on them, and
+would have feared the like of heaven and earth had they not been duly
+propped up and borne by the Atlantic pillars, as the ancients believed,
+according to Aristotle's testimony, lib. 5, Metaphys.  Notwithstanding all
+this, poor Aeschylus was killed by the fall of the shell of a tortoise,
+which falling from betwixt the claws of an eagle high in the air, just on
+his head, dashed out his brains.
+
+Neither ought you to wonder at the death of another poet, I mean old jolly
+Anacreon, who was choked with a grape-stone.  Nor at that of Fabius the
+Roman praetor, who was choked with a single goat's hair as he was supping
+up a porringer of milk.  Nor at the death of that bashful fool, who by
+holding in his wind, and for want of letting out a bum-gunshot, died
+suddenly in the presence of the Emperor Claudius.  Nor at that of the
+Italian buried on the Via Flaminia at Rome, who in his epitaph complains
+that the bite of a she-puss on his little finger was the cause of his
+death.  Nor of that of Q. Lecanius Bassus, who died suddenly of so small a
+prick with a needle on his left thumb that it could hardly be discerned.
+Nor of Quenelault, a Norman physician, who died suddenly at Montpellier,
+merely for having sideways took a worm out of his hand with a penknife.
+Nor of Philomenes, whose servant having got him some new figs for the first
+course of his dinner, whilst he went to fetch wine, a straggling well-hung
+ass got into the house, and seeing the figs on the table, without further
+invitation soberly fell to.  Philomenes coming into the room and nicely
+observing with what gravity the ass ate its dinner, said to the man, who
+was come back, Since thou hast set figs here for this reverend guest of
+ours to eat, methinks it is but reason thou also give him some of this wine
+to drink.  He had no sooner said this, but he was so excessively pleased,
+and fell into so exorbitant a fit of laughter, that the use of his spleen
+took that of his breath utterly away, and he immediately died.  Nor of
+Spurius Saufeius, who died supping up a soft-boiled egg as he came out of a
+bath.  Nor of him who, as Boccaccio tells us, died suddenly by picking his
+grinders with a sage-stalk.  Nor of Phillipot Placut, who being brisk and
+hale, fell dead as he was paying an old debt; which causes, perhaps, many
+not to pay theirs, for fear of the like accident.  Nor of the painter
+Zeuxis, who killed himself with laughing at the sight of the antique
+jobbernowl of an old hag drawn by him.  Nor, in short, of a thousand more
+of which authors write, as Varrius, Pliny, Valerius, J. Baptista Fulgosus,
+and Bacabery the elder.  In short, Gaffer Wide-nostrils choked himself with
+eating a huge lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven by the advice
+of physicians.
+
+They likewise told us there that the King of Cullan in Bohu had routed the
+grandees of King Mecloth, and made sad work with the fortresses of Belima.
+
+After this, we sailed by the islands of Nargues and Zargues; also by the
+islands of Teleniabin and Geleniabin, very fine and fruitful in ingredients
+for clysters; and then by the islands of Enig and Evig, on whose account
+formerly the Landgrave of Hesse was swinged off with a vengeance.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XVIII.
+
+How Pantagruel met with a great storm at sea.
+
+The next day we espied nine sail that came spooning before the wind; they
+were full of Dominicans, Jesuits, Capuchins, Hermits, Austins, Bernardins,
+Egnatins, Celestins, Theatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, Minims,
+and the devil and all of other holy monks and friars, who were going to the
+Council of Chesil, to sift and garble some new articles of faith against
+the new heretics.  Panurge was overjoyed to see them, being most certain of
+good luck for that day and a long train of others.  So having courteously
+saluted the blessed fathers, and recommended the salvation of his precious
+soul to their devout prayers and private ejaculations, he caused
+seventy-eight dozen of Westphalia hams, units of pots of caviare, tens of
+Bolonia sausages, hundreds of botargoes, and thousands of fine angels, for
+the souls of the dead, to be thrown on board their ships.  Pantagruel seemed
+metagrabolized, dozing, out of sorts, and as melancholic as a cat.  Friar
+John, who soon perceived it, was inquiring of him whence should come this
+unusual sadness; when the master, whose watch it was, observing the
+fluttering of the ancient above the poop, and seeing that it began to
+overcast, judged that we should have wind; therefore he bid the boatswain
+call all hands upon deck, officers, sailors, foremast-men, swabbers, and
+cabin-boys, and even the passengers; made them first settle their topsails,
+take in their spritsail; then he cried, In with your topsails, lower the
+foresail, tallow under parrels, braid up close all them sails, strike your
+topmasts to the cap, make all sure with your sheeps-feet, lash your guns
+fast.  All this was nimbly done.  Immediately it blowed a storm; the sea
+began to roar and swell mountain-high; the rut of the sea was great, the
+waves breaking upon our ship's quarter; the north-west wind blustered and
+overblowed; boisterous gusts, dreadful clashing, and deadly scuds of wind
+whistled through our yards and made our shrouds rattle again.  The thunder
+grumbled so horridly that you would have thought heaven had been tumbling
+about our ears; at the same time it lightened, rained, hailed; the sky lost
+its transparent hue, grew dusky, thick, and gloomy, so that we had no other
+light than that of the flashes of lightning and rending of the clouds.  The
+hurricanes, flaws, and sudden whirlwinds began to make a flame about us by
+the lightnings, fiery vapours, and other aerial ejaculations.  Oh, how our
+looks were full of amazement and trouble, while the saucy winds did rudely
+lift up above us the mountainous waves of the main!  Believe me, it seemed
+to us a lively image of the chaos, where fire, air, sea, land, and all the
+elements were in a refractory confusion.  Poor Panurge having with the full
+contents of the inside of his doublet plentifully fed the fish, greedy
+enough of such odious fare, sat on the deck all in a heap, with his nose and
+arse together, most sadly cast down, moping and half dead; invoked and
+called to his assistance all the blessed he- and she-saints he could muster
+up; swore and vowed to confess in time and place convenient, and then bawled
+out frightfully, Steward, maitre d'hotel, see ho! my friend, my father, my
+uncle, prithee let us have a piece of powdered beef or pork; we shall drink
+but too much anon, for aught I see.  Eat little and drink the more will
+hereafter be my motto, I fear.  Would to our dear Lord, and to our blessed,
+worthy, and sacred Lady, I were now, I say, this very minute of an hour,
+well on shore, on terra firma, hale and easy.  O twice and thrice happy
+those that plant cabbages!  O destinies, why did you not spin me for a
+cabbage-planter?  O how few are there to whom Jupiter hath been so
+favourable as to predestinate them to plant cabbages!  They have always one
+foot on the ground, and the other not far from it.  Dispute who will of
+felicity and summum bonum, for my part whosoever plants cabbages is now, by
+my decree, proclaimed most happy; for as good a reason as the philosopher
+Pyrrho, being in the same danger, and seeing a hog near the shore eating
+some scattered oats, declared it happy in two respects; first, because it
+had plenty of oats, and besides that, was on shore.  Ha, for a divine and
+princely habitation, commend me to the cows' floor.
+
+Murder!  This wave will sweep us away, blessed Saviour!  O my friends! a
+little vinegar.  I sweat again with mere agony.  Alas! the mizen-sail's
+split, the gallery's washed away, the masts are sprung, the
+maintop-masthead dives into the sea; the keel is up to the sun; our shrouds
+are almost all broke, and blown away.  Alas! alas! where is our main course?
+Al is verlooren, by Godt! our topmast is run adrift.  Alas! who shall have
+this wreck?  Friend, lend me here behind you one of these whales.  Your
+lantern is fallen, my lads.  Alas! do not let go the main-tack nor the
+bowline.  I hear the block crack; is it broke?  For the Lord's sake, let us
+have the hull, and let all the rigging be damned.  Be, be, be, bous, bous,
+bous.  Look to the needle of your compass, I beseech you, good Sir
+Astrophil, and tell us, if you can, whence comes this storm.  My heart's
+sunk down below my midriff.  By my troth, I am in a sad fright, bou, bou,
+bou, bous, bous, I am lost for ever.  I conskite myself for mere madness and
+fear.  Bou, bou, bou, bou, Otto to to to to ti.  Bou, bou, bou, ou, ou, ou,
+bou, bou, bous.  I sink, I'm drowned, I'm gone, good people, I'm drowned.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XIX.
+
+What countenances Panurge and Friar John kept during the storm.
+
+Pantagruel, having first implored the help of the great and Almighty
+Deliverer, and prayed publicly with fervent devotion, by the pilot's advice
+held tightly the mast of the ship.  Friar John had stripped himself to his
+waistcoat, to help the seamen.  Epistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest did as
+much.  Panurge alone sat on his breech upon deck, weeping and howling.
+Friar John espied him going on the quarter-deck, and said to him, Odzoons!
+Panurge the calf, Panurge the whiner, Panurge the brayer, would it not
+become thee much better to lend us here a helping hand than to lie lowing
+like a cow, as thou dost, sitting on thy stones like a bald-breeched
+baboon?  Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, returned Panurge; Friar John, my
+friend, my good father, I am drowning, my dear friend!  I drown!  I am a
+dead man, my dear father in God; I am a dead man, my friend; your cutting
+hanger cannot save me from this; alas! alas! we are above ela.  Above the
+pitch, out of tune, and off the hinges.  Be, be, be, bou, bous.  Alas! we
+are now above g sol re ut.  I sink, I sink, ha, my father, my uncle, my
+all.  The water is got into my shoes by the collar; bous, bous, bous,
+paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, I drown.  Alas! alas!  Hu, hu, hu,
+hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be, bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
+alas! alas!  Now I am like your tumblers, my feet stand higher than my
+head.  Would to heaven I were now with those good holy fathers bound for
+the council whom we met this morning, so godly, so fat, so merry, so plump
+and comely.  Holos, bolos, holas, holas, alas!  This devilish wave (mea
+culpa Deus), I mean this wave of God, will sink our vessel.  Alas!  Friar
+John, my father, my friend, confession.  Here I am down on my knees;
+confiteor; your holy blessing.  Come hither and be damned, thou pitiful
+devil, and help us, said Friar John (who fell a-swearing and cursing like a
+tinker), in the name of thirty legions of black devils, come; will you
+come?  Do not let us swear at this time, said Panurge; holy father, my
+friend, do not swear, I beseech you; to-morrow as much as you please.
+Holos, holos, alas! our ship leaks.  I drown, alas, alas!  I will give
+eighteen hundred thousand crowns to anyone that will set me on shore, all
+berayed and bedaubed as I am now.  If ever there was a man in my country in
+the like pickle.  Confiteor, alas! a word or two of testament or codicil at
+least.  A thousand devils seize the cuckoldy cow-hearted mongrel, cried
+Friar John.  Ods-belly, art thou talking here of making thy will now we are
+in danger, and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps lustily, or never?  Wilt
+thou come, ho devil?  Midshipman, my friend; O the rare lieutenant; here
+Gymnast, here on the poop.  We are, by the mass, all beshit now; our light
+is out.  This is hastening to the devil as fast as it can.  Alas, bou, bou,
+bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, alas! said Panurge; was it here we were
+born to perish?  Oh! ho! good people, I drown, I die.  Consummatum est.  I
+am sped--Magna, gna, gna, said Friar John.  Fie upon him, how ugly the
+shitten howler looks.  Boy, younker, see hoyh.  Mind the pumps or the devil
+choke thee.  Hast thou hurt thyself?  Zoons, here fasten it to one of these
+blocks.  On this side, in the devil's name, hay--so, my boy.  Ah, Friar
+John, said Panurge, good ghostly father, dear friend, don't let us swear,
+you sin.  Oh, ho, oh, ho, be be be bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I die, my
+friends.  I die in charity with all the world.  Farewell, in manus.  Bohus
+bohous, bhousowauswaus.  St. Michael of Aure!  St. Nicholas! now, now or
+never, I here make you a solemn vow, and to our Saviour, that if you stand
+by me this time, I mean if you set me ashore out of this danger, I will
+build you a fine large little chapel or two, between Quande and Montsoreau,
+where neither cow nor calf shall feed.  Oh ho, oh ho.  Above eighteen
+pailfuls or two of it are got down my gullet; bous, bhous, bhous, bhous,
+how damned bitter and salt it is!  By the virtue, said Friar John, of the
+blood, the flesh, the belly, the head, if I hear thee again howling, thou
+cuckoldy cur, I'll maul thee worse than any sea-wolf.  Ods-fish, why don't
+we take him up by the lugs and throw him overboard to the bottom of the
+sea?  Hear, sailor; ho, honest fellow.  Thus, thus, my friend, hold fast
+above.  In truth, here is a sad lightning and thundering; I think that all
+the devils are got loose; it is holiday with them; or else Madame
+Proserpine is in child's labour:  all the devils dance a morrice.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XX.
+
+How the pilots were forsaking their ships in the greatest stress of
+weather.
+
+
+Oh, said Panurge, you sin, Friar John, my former crony! former, I say, for
+at this time I am no more, you are no more.  It goes against my heart to
+tell it you; for I believe this swearing doth your spleen a great deal of
+good; as it is a great ease to a wood-cleaver to cry hem at every blow, and
+as one who plays at ninepins is wonderfully helped if, when he hath not
+thrown his bowl right, and is like to make a bad cast, some ingenious
+stander-by leans and screws his body halfway about on that side which the
+bowl should have took to hit the pins.  Nevertheless, you offend, my sweet
+friend.  But what do you think of eating some kind of cabirotadoes?
+Wouldn't this secure us from this storm?  I have read that the ministers of
+the gods Cabiri, so much celebrated by Orpheus, Apollonius, Pherecydes,
+Strabo, Pausanias, and Herodotus were always secure in time of storm.  He
+dotes, he raves, the poor devil!  A thousand, a million, nay, a hundred
+million of devils seize the hornified doddipole.  Lend's a hand here, hoh,
+tiger, wouldst thou?  Here, on the starboard side.  Ods-me, thou buffalo's
+head stuffed with relics, what ape's paternoster art thou muttering and
+chattering here between thy teeth?  That devil of a sea-calf is the cause
+of all this storm, and is the only man who doth not lend a helping hand.
+By G--, if I come near thee, I'll fetch thee out by the head and ears with
+a vengeance, and chastise thee like any tempestative devil.  Here, mate, my
+lad, hold fast, till I have made a double knot.  O brave boy!  Would to
+heaven thou wert abbot of Talemouze, and that he that is were guardian of
+Croullay.  Hold, brother Ponocrates, you will hurt yourself, man.
+Epistemon, prithee stand off out of the hatchway.  Methinks I saw the
+thunder fall there but just now.  Con the ship, so ho--Mind your steerage.
+Well said, thus, thus, steady, keep her thus, get the longboat clear
+--steady.  Ods-fish, the beak-head is staved to pieces.  Grumble, devils,
+fart, belch, shite, a t--d o' the wave.  If this be weather, the devil's a
+ram.  Nay, by G--, a little more would have washed me clear away into the
+current.  I think all the legions of devils hold here their provincial
+chapter, or are polling, canvassing, and wrangling for the election of a
+new rector.  Starboard; well said.  Take heed; have a care of your noddle,
+lad, in the devil's name.  So ho, starboard, starboard.  Be, be, be, bous,
+bous, bous, cried Panurge; bous, bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, I am lost.
+I see neither heaven nor earth; of the four elements we have here only fire
+and water left.  Bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, bous.  Would it were the
+pleasure of the worthy divine bounty that I were at this present hour in
+the close at Seuille, or at Innocent's the pastry-cook over against the
+painted wine-vault at Chinon, though I were to strip to my doublet, and
+bake the petti-pasties myself.
+
+Honest man, could not you throw me ashore? you can do a world of good
+things, they say.  I give you all Salmigondinois, and my large shore full
+of whelks, cockles, and periwinkles, if, by your industry, I ever set foot
+on firm ground.  Alas, alas!  I drown.  Harkee, my friends, since we cannot
+get safe into port, let us come to an anchor in some road, no matter
+whither.  Drop all your anchors; let us be out of danger, I beseech you.
+Here, honest tar, get you into the chains, and heave the lead, an't please
+you.  Let us know how many fathom water we are in.  Sound, friend, in the
+Lord Harry's name.  Let us know whether a man might here drink easily
+without stooping.  I am apt to believe one might.  Helm a-lee, hoh, cried
+the pilot.  Helm a-lee; a hand or two at the helm; about ships with her;
+helm a-lee, helm a-lee.  Stand off from the leech of the sail.  Hoh! belay,
+here make fast below; hoh, helm a-lee, lash sure the helm a-lee, and let
+her drive.  Is it come to that? said Pantagruel; our good Saviour then help
+us.  Let her lie under the sea, cried James Brahier, our chief mate; let
+her drive.  To prayers, to prayers; let all think on their souls, and fall
+to prayers; nor hope to escape but by a miracle.  Let us, said Panurge,
+make some good pious kind of vow; alas, alas, alas! bou, bou, be, be, be,
+bous, bous, bous, oho, oho, oho, oho, let us make a pilgrim; come, come,
+let every man club his penny towards it, come on.  Here, here, on this
+side, said Friar John, in the devil's name.  Let her drive, for the Lord's
+sake unhang the rudder; hoh, let her drive, let her drive, and let us
+drink, I say, of the best and most cheering; d'ye hear, steward? produce,
+exhibit; for, d'ye see this, and all the rest will as well go to the devil
+out of hand.  A pox on that wind-broker Aeolus, with his fluster-blusters.
+Sirrah, page, bring me here my drawer (for so he called his breviary); stay
+a little here; haul, friend, thus.  Odzoons, here is a deal of hail and
+thunder to no purpose.  Hold fast above, I pray you.  When have we
+All-saints day?  I believe it is the unholy holiday of all the devil's crew.
+Alas! said Panurge, Friar John damns himself here as black as buttermilk
+for the nonce.  Oh, what a good friend I lose in him.  Alas, alas! this is
+another gats-bout than last year's.  We are falling out of Scylla into
+Charybdis.  Oho! I drown.  Confiteor; one poor word or two by way of
+testament, Friar John, my ghostly father; good Mr. Abstractor, my crony,
+my Achates, Xenomanes, my all.  Alas! I drown; two words of testament here
+upon this ladder.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXI.
+
+A continuation of the storm, with a short discourse on the subject of
+making testaments at sea.
+
+To make one's last will, said Epistemon, at this time that we ought to
+bestir ourselves and help our seamen, on the penalty of being drowned,
+seems to me as idle and ridiculous a maggot as that of some of Caesar's
+men, who, at their coming into the Gauls, were mightily busied in making
+wills and codicils; bemoaned their fortune and the absence of their spouses
+and friends at Rome, when it was absolutely necessary for them to run to
+their arms and use their utmost strength against Ariovistus their enemy.
+
+This also is to be as silly as that jolt-headed loblolly of a carter, who,
+having laid his waggon fast in a slough, down on his marrow-bones was
+calling on the strong-backed deity, Hercules, might and main, to help him
+at a dead lift, but all the while forgot to goad on his oxen and lay his
+shoulder to the wheels, as it behoved him; as if a Lord have mercy upon us
+alone would have got his cart out of the mire.
+
+What will it signify to make your will now? for either we shall come off or
+drown for it.  If we 'scape, it will not signify a straw to us; for
+testaments are of no value or authority but by the death of the testators.
+If we are drowned, will it not be drowned too?  Prithee, who will transmit
+it to the executors?  Some kind wave will throw it ashore, like Ulysses,
+replied Panurge; and some king's daughter, going to fetch a walk in the
+fresco, on the evening will find it, and take care to have it proved and
+fulfilled; nay, and have some stately cenotaph erected to my memory, as
+Dido had to that of her goodman Sichaeus; Aeneas to Deiphobus, upon the
+Trojan shore, near Rhoete; Andromache to Hector, in the city of Buthrot;
+Aristotle to Hermias and Eubulus; the Athenians to the poet Euripides; the
+Romans to Drusus in Germany, and to Alexander Severus, their emperor, in
+the Gauls; Argentier to Callaischre; Xenocrates to Lysidices; Timares to
+his son Teleutagoras; Eupolis and Aristodice to their son Theotimus;
+Onestus to Timocles; Callimachus to Sopolis, the son of Dioclides; Catullus
+to his brother; Statius to his father; Germain of Brie to Herve, the Breton
+tarpaulin.  Art thou mad, said Friar John, to run on at this rate?  Help,
+here, in the name of five hundred thousand millions of cartloads of devils,
+help! may a shanker gnaw thy moustachios, and the three rows of pock-royals
+and cauliflowers cover thy bum and turd-barrel instead of breeches and
+codpiece.  Codsooks, our ship is almost overset.  Ods-death, how shall we
+clear her? it is well if she do not founder.  What a devilish sea there
+runs!  She'll neither try nor hull; the sea will overtake her, so we shall
+never 'scape; the devil 'scape me.  Then Pantagruel was heard to make a sad
+exclamation, saying, with a loud voice, Lord save us, we perish; yet not as
+we would have it, but thy holy will be done.  The Lord and the blessed
+Virgin be with us, said Panurge.  Holos, alas, I drown; be be be bous, be
+bous, bous; in manus.  Good heavens, send me some dolphin to carry me safe
+on shore, like a pretty little Arion.  I shall make shift to sound the
+harp, if it be not unstrung.  Let nineteen legions of black devils seize
+me, said Friar John.  (The Lord be with us! whispered Panurge, between his
+chattering teeth.)  If I come down to thee, I'll show thee to some purpose
+that the badge of thy humanity dangles at a calf's breech, thou ragged,
+horned, cuckoldy booby--mgna, mgnan, mgnan--come hither and help us, thou
+great weeping calf, or may thirty millions of devils leap on thee.  Wilt
+thou come, sea-calf?  Fie; how ugly the howling whelp looks.  What, always
+the same ditty?  Come on now, my bonny drawer.  This he said, opening his
+breviary.  Come forward, thou and I must be somewhat serious for a while;
+let me peruse thee stiffly.  Beatus vir qui non abiit.  Pshaw, I know all
+this by heart; let us see the legend of Mons. St. Nicholas.
+
+  Horrida tempestas montem turbavit acutum.
+
+Tempest was a mighty flogger of lads at Mountagu College.  If pedants be
+damned for whipping poor little innocent wretches their scholars, he is,
+upon my honour, by this time fixed within Ixion's wheel, lashing the
+crop-eared, bobtailed cur that gives it motion.  If they are saved for
+having whipped innocent lads, he ought to be above the--
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXII.
+
+An end of the storm.
+
+Shore, shore! cried Pantagruel.  Land to, my friends, I see land!  Pluck up
+a good spirit, boys, 'tis within a kenning.  So! we are not far from a
+port.--I see the sky clearing up to the northwards.--Look to the
+south-east!  Courage, my hearts, said the pilot; now she'll bear the hullock
+of a sail; the sea is much smoother; some hands aloft to the maintop.  Put
+the helm a-weather.  Steady! steady!  Haul your after-mizen bowlines.  Haul,
+haul, haul!  Thus, thus, and no near.  Mind your steerage; bring your
+main-tack aboard.  Clear your sheets; clear your bowlines; port, port.  Helm
+a-lee.  Now to the sheet on the starboard side, thou son of a whore.  Thou
+art mightily pleased, honest fellow, quoth Friar John, with hearing make
+mention of thy mother.  Luff, luff, cried the quartermaster that conned the
+ship, keep her full, luff the helm.  Luff.  It is, answered the steersman.
+Keep her thus.  Get the bonnets fixed.  Steady, steady.
+
+That is well said, said Friar John now, this is something like a tansy.
+Come, come, come, children, be nimble.  Good.  Luff, luff, thus.  Helm
+a-weather.  That's well said and thought on.  Methinks the storm is almost
+over.  It was high time, faith; however, the Lord be thanked.  Our devils
+begin to scamper.  Out with all your sails.  Hoist your sails.  Hoist.
+That is spoke like a man, hoist, hoist.  Here, a God's name, honest
+Ponocrates; thou art a lusty fornicator; the whoreson will get none but
+boys.  Eusthenes, thou art a notable fellow.  Run up to the fore-topsail.
+Thus, thus.  Well said, i' faith; thus, thus.  I dare not fear anything all
+this while, for it is holiday.  Vea, vea, vea! huzza!  This shout of the
+seaman is not amiss, and pleases me, for it is holiday.  Keep her full
+thus.  Good.  Cheer up, my merry mates all, cried out Epistemon; I see
+already Castor on the right.  Be, be, bous, bous, bous, said Panurge; I am
+much afraid it is the bitch Helen.  It is truly Mixarchagenas, returned
+Epistemon, if thou likest better that denomination, which the Argives give
+him.  Ho, ho! I see land too; let her bear in with the harbour; I see a
+good many people on the beach; I see a light on an obeliscolychny.  Shorten
+your sails, said the pilot; fetch the sounding line; we must double that
+point of land, and mind the sands.  We are clear of them, said the sailors.
+Soon after, Away she goes, quoth the pilot, and so doth the rest of our
+fleet; help came in good season.
+
+By St. John, said Panurge, this is spoke somewhat like.  O the sweet word!
+there is the soul of music in it.  Mgna, mgna, mgna, said Friar John; if
+ever thou taste a drop of it, let the devil's dam taste me, thou ballocky
+devil.  Here, honest soul, here's a full sneaker of the very best.  Bring
+the flagons; dost hear, Gymnast: and that same large pasty jambic,
+gammonic, as you will have it.  Take heed you pilot her in right.
+
+Cheer up, cried out Pantagruel; cheer up, my boys; let us be ourselves
+again.  Do you see yonder, close by our ship, two barks, three sloops, five
+ships, eight pinks, four yawls, and six frigates making towards us, sent by
+the good people of the neighbouring island to our relief?  But who is this
+Ucalegon below, that cries and makes such a sad moan?  Were it not that I
+hold the mast firmly with both my hands, and keep it straighter than two
+hundred tacklings--I would--It is, said Friar John, that poor devil
+Panurge, who is troubled with a calf's ague; he quakes for fear when his
+belly's full.  If, said Pantagruel, he hath been afraid during this
+dreadful hurricane and dangerous storm, provided (waiving that) he hath
+done his part like a man, I do not value him a jot the less for it.  For as
+to fear in all encounters is the mark of a heavy and cowardly heart, as
+Agamemnon did, who for that reason is ignominiously taxed by Achilles with
+having dog's eyes and a stag's heart; so, not to fear when the case is
+evidently dreadful is a sign of want or smallness of judgment.  Now, if
+anything ought to be feared in this life, next to offending God, I will not
+say it is death.  I will not meddle with the disputes of Socrates and the
+academics, that death of itself is neither bad nor to be feared, but I will
+affirm that this kind of shipwreck is to be feared, or nothing is.  For, as
+Homer saith, it is a grievous, dreadful, and unnatural thing to perish at
+sea.  And indeed Aeneas, in the storm that took his fleet near Sicily, was
+grieved that he had not died by the hand of the brave Diomedes, and said
+that those were three, nay four times happy, who perished in the
+conflagration at Troy.  No man here hath lost his life, the Lord our
+Saviour be eternally praised for it! but in truth here is a ship sadly out
+of order.  Well, we must take care to have the damage repaired.  Take heed
+we do not run aground and bulge her.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXIII.
+
+How Panurge played the good fellow when the storm was over.
+
+What cheer, ho, fore and aft? quoth Panurge.  Oh ho! all is well, the storm
+is over.  I beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the first that is sent
+on shore; for I would by all means a little untruss a point.  Shall I help
+you still?  Here, let me see, I will coil this rope; I have plenty of
+courage, and of fear as little as may be.  Give it me yonder, honest tar.
+No, no, I have not a bit of fear.  Indeed, that same decumane wave that
+took us fore and aft somewhat altered my pulse.  Down with your sails; well
+said.  How now, Friar John? you do nothing.  Is it time for us to drink
+now?  Who can tell but St. Martin's running footman Belzebuth may still be
+hatching us some further mischief?  Shall I come and help you again?  Pork
+and peas choke me, if I do heartily repent, though too late, not having
+followed the doctrine of the good philosopher who tells us that to walk by
+the sea and to navigate by the shore are very safe and pleasant things;
+just as 'tis to go on foot when we hold our horse by the bridle.  Ha! ha!
+ha! by G--, all goes well.  Shall I help you here too?  Let me see, I will
+do this as it should be, or the devil's in't.
+
+Epistemon, who had the inside of one of his hands all flayed and bloody,
+having held a tackling with might and main, hearing what Pantagruel had
+said, told him:  You may believe, my lord, I had my share of fear as well
+as Panurge; yet I spared no pains in lending my helping hand.  I considered
+that, since by fatal and unavoidable necessity we must all die, it is the
+blessed will of God that we die this or that hour, and this or that kind of
+death.  Nevertheless, we ought to implore, invoke, pray, beseech, and
+supplicate him; but we must not stop there; it behoveth us also to use our
+endeavours on our side, and, as the holy writ saith, to co-operate with
+him.
+
+You know what C. Flaminius, the consul, said when by Hannibal's policy he
+was penned up near the lake of Peruse, alias Thrasymene.  Friends, said he
+to his soldiers, you must not hope to get out of this place barely by vows
+or prayers to the gods; no, 'tis by fortitude and strength we must escape
+and cut ourselves a way with the edge of our swords through the midst of
+our enemies.
+
+Sallust likewise makes M. Portius Cato say this:  The help of the gods is
+not obtained by idle vows and womanish complaints; 'tis by vigilance,
+labour, and repeated endeavours that all things succeed according to our
+wishes and designs.  If a man in time of need and danger is negligent,
+heartless, and lazy, in vain he implores the gods; they are then justly
+angry and incensed against him.  The devil take me, said Friar John,--I'll
+go his halves, quoth Panurge,--if the close of Seville had not been all
+gathered, vintaged, gleaned, and destroyed, if I had only sung contra
+hostium insidias (matter of breviary) like all the rest of the monking
+devils, and had not bestirred myself to save the vineyard as I did,
+despatching the truant picaroons of Lerne with the staff of the cross.
+
+Let her sink or swim a God's name, said Panurge, all's one to Friar John;
+he doth nothing; his name is Friar John Do-little; for all he sees me here
+a-sweating and puffing to help with all my might this honest tar, first of
+the name.--Hark you me, dear soul, a word with you; but pray be not angry.
+How thick do you judge the planks of our ship to be?  Some two good inches
+and upwards, returned the pilot; don't fear.  Ods-kilderkins, said Panurge,
+it seems then we are within two fingers' breadth of damnation.
+
+Is this one of the nine comforts of matrimony?  Ah, dear soul, you do well
+to measure the danger by the yard of fear.  For my part, I have none on't;
+my name is William Dreadnought.  As for heart, I have more than enough
+on't.  I mean none of your sheep's heart; but of wolf's heart--the courage
+of a bravo.  By the pavilion of Mars, I fear nothing but danger.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXIV.
+
+How Panurge was said to have been afraid without reason during the storm.
+
+Good morrow, gentlemen, said Panurge; good morrow to you all; you are in
+very good health, thanks to heaven and yourselves; you are all heartily
+welcome, and in good time.  Let us go on shore.--Here, coxswain, get the
+ladder over the gunnel; man the sides; man the pinnace, and get her by the
+ship's side.  Shall I lend you a hand here?  I am stark mad for want of
+business, and would work like any two yokes of oxen.  Truly this is a fine
+place, and these look like a very good people.  Children, do you want me
+still in anything? do not spare the sweat of my body, for God's sake.
+Adam--that is, man--was made to labour and work, as the birds were made to
+fly.  Our Lord's will is that we get our bread with the sweat of our brows,
+not idling and doing nothing, like this tatterdemalion of a monk here, this
+Friar Jack, who is fain to drink to hearten himself up, and dies for fear.
+--Rare weather.--I now find the answer of Anacharsis, the noble philosopher,
+very proper.  Being asked what ship he reckoned the safest, he replied:
+That which is in the harbour.  He made a yet better repartee, said
+Pantagruel, when somebody inquiring which is greater, the number of the
+living or that of the dead, he asked them amongst which of the two they
+reckoned those that are at sea, ingeniously implying that they are
+continually in danger of death, dying alive, and living die.  Portius Cato
+also said that there were but three things of which he would repent:  if
+ever he had trusted his wife with his secret, if he had idled away a day,
+and if he had ever gone by sea to a place which he could visit by land.  By
+this dignified frock of mine, said Friar John to Panurge, friend, thou hast
+been afraid during the storm without cause or reason; for thou wert not
+born to be drowned, but rather to be hanged and exalted in the air, or to
+be roasted in the midst of a jolly bonfire.  My lord, would you have a good
+cloak for the rain; leave me off your wolf and badger-skin mantle; let
+Panurge but be flayed, and cover yourself with his hide.  But do not come
+near the fire, nor near your blacksmith's forges, a God's name; for in a
+moment you will see it in ashes.  Yet be as long as you please in the rain,
+snow, hail, nay, by the devil's maker, throw yourself or dive down to the
+very bottom of the water, I'll engage you'll not be wet at all.  Have some
+winter boots made of it, they'll never take in a drop of water; make
+bladders of it to lay under boys to teach them to swim, instead of corks,
+and they will learn without the least danger.  His skin, then, said
+Pantagruel, should be like the herb called true maiden's hair, which never
+takes wet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you lay it at the
+bottom of the water as long as you please; and for that reason is called
+Adiantos.
+
+Friend Panurge, said Friar John, I pray thee never be afraid of water; thy
+life for mine thou art threatened with a contrary element.  Ay, ay, replied
+Panurge, but the devil's cooks dote sometimes, and are apt to make horrid
+blunders as well as others; often putting to boil in water what was
+designed to be roasted on the fire; like the head-cooks of our kitchen, who
+often lard partridges, queests, and stock-doves with intent to roast them,
+one would think; but it happens sometimes that they e'en turn the
+partridges into the pot to be boiled with cabbages, the queests with leek
+pottage, and the stock-doves with turnips.  But hark you me, good friends,
+I protest before this noble company, that as for the chapel which I vowed
+to Mons. St. Nicholas between Quande and Montsoreau, I honestly mean that
+it shall be a chapel of rose-water, which shall be where neither cow nor
+calf shall be fed; for between you and I, I intend to throw it to the
+bottom of the water.  Here is a rare rogue for you, said Eusthenes; here is
+a pure rogue, a rogue in grain, a rogue enough, a rogue and a half.  He is
+resolved to make good the Lombardic proverb, Passato el pericolo, gabbato
+el santo.
+
+  The devil was sick, the devil a monk would be;
+  The devil was well, the devil a monk was he.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXV.
+
+How, after the storm, Pantagruel went on shore in the islands of the
+Macreons.
+
+Immediately after we went ashore at the port of an island which they called
+the island of the Macreons.  The good people of the place received us very
+honourably.  An old Macrobius (so they called their eldest elderman)
+desired Pantagruel to come to the town-house to refresh himself and eat
+something, but he would not budge a foot from the mole till all his men
+were landed.  After he had seen them, he gave order that they should all
+change clothes, and that some of all the stores in the fleet should be
+brought on shore, that every ship's crew might live well; which was
+accordingly done, and God wot how well they all toped and caroused.  The
+people of the place brought them provisions in abundance.  The
+Pantagruelists returned them more; as the truth is, theirs were somewhat
+damaged by the late storm.  When they had well stuffed the insides of their
+doublets, Pantagruel desired everyone to lend their help to repair the
+damage; which they readily did.  It was easy enough to refit there; for all
+the inhabitants of the island were carpenters and all such handicrafts as
+are seen in the arsenal at Venice.  None but the largest island was
+inhabited, having three ports and ten parishes; the rest being overrun with
+wood and desert, much like the forest of Arden.  We entreated the old
+Macrobius to show us what was worth seeing in the island; which he did; and
+in the desert and dark forest we discovered several old ruined temples,
+obelisks, pyramids, monuments, and ancient tombs, with divers inscriptions
+and epitaphs; some of them in hieroglyphic characters; others in the Ionic
+dialect; some in the Arabic, Agarenian, Slavonian, and other tongues; of
+which Epistemon took an exact account.  In the interim, Panurge said to
+Friar John, Is this the island of the Macreons?  Macreon signifies in Greek
+an old man, or one much stricken in years.  What is that to me? said Friar
+John; how can I help it?  I was not in the country when they christened it.
+Now I think on't, quoth Panurge, I believe the name of mackerel (Motteux
+adds, between brackets,--'that's a Bawd in French.') was derived from it;
+for procuring is the province of the old, as buttock-riggling is that of
+the young.  Therefore I do not know but this may be the bawdy or Mackerel
+Island, the original and prototype of the island of that name at Paris.
+Let's go and dredge for cock-oysters.  Old Macrobius asked, in the Ionic
+tongue, How, and by what industry and labour, Pantagruel got to their port
+that day, there having been such blustering weather and such a dreadful
+storm at sea.  Pantagruel told him that the Almighty Preserver of mankind
+had regarded the simplicity and sincere affection of his servants, who did
+not travel for gain or sordid profit, the sole design of their voyage being
+a studious desire to know, see, and visit the Oracle of Bacbuc, and take
+the word of the Bottle upon some difficulties offered by one of the
+company; nevertheless this had not been without great affliction and
+evident danger of shipwreck.  After that, he asked him what he judged to be
+the cause of that terrible tempest, and if the adjacent seas were thus
+frequently subject to storms; as in the ocean are the Ratz of Sammaieu,
+Maumusson, and in the Mediterranean sea the Gulf of Sataly, Montargentan,
+Piombino, Capo Melio in Laconia, the Straits of Gibraltar, Faro di Messina,
+and others.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXVI.
+
+How the good Macrobius gave us an account of the mansion and decease of the
+heroes.
+
+The good Macrobius then answered, Friendly strangers, this island is one of
+the Sporades; not of your Sporades that lie in the Carpathian sea, but one
+of the Sporades of the ocean; in former times rich, frequented, wealthy,
+populous, full of traffic, and in the dominions of the rulers of Britain,
+but now, by course of time, and in these latter ages of the world, poor and
+desolate, as you see.  In this dark forest, above seventy-eight thousand
+Persian leagues in compass, is the dwelling-place of the demons and heroes
+that are grown old, and we believe that some one of them died yesterday;
+since the comet which we saw for three days before together, shines no
+more; and now it is likely that at his death there arose this horrible
+storm; for while they are alive all happiness attends both this and the
+adjacent islands, and a settled calm and serenity.  At the death of every
+one of them, we commonly hear in the forest loud and mournful groans, and
+the whole land is infested with pestilence, earthquakes, inundations, and
+other calamities; the air with fogs and obscurity, and the sea with storms
+and hurricanes.  What you tell us seems to me likely enough, said
+Pantagruel.  For as a torch or candle, as long as it hath life enough and
+is lighted, shines round about, disperses its light, delights those that
+are near it, yields them its service and clearness, and never causes any
+pain or displeasure; but as soon as 'tis extinguished, its smoke and
+evaporation infects the air, offends the bystanders, and is noisome to all;
+so, as long as those noble and renowned souls inhabit their bodies, peace,
+profit, pleasure, and honour never leave the places where they abide; but
+as soon as they leave them, both the continent and adjacent islands are
+annoyed with great commotions; in the air fogs, darkness, thunder, hail;
+tremblings, pulsations, agitations of the earth; storms and hurricanes at
+sea; together with sad complaints amongst the people, broaching of
+religions, changes in governments, and ruins of commonwealths.
+
+We had a sad instance of this lately, said Epistemon, at the death of that
+valiant and learned knight, William du Bellay; during whose life France
+enjoyed so much happiness, that all the rest of the world looked upon it
+with envy, sought friendship with it, and stood in awe of its power; but
+soon after his decease it hath for a considerable time been the scorn of
+the rest of the world.
+
+Thus, said Pantagruel, Anchises being dead at Drepani in Sicily, Aeneas was
+dreadfully tossed and endangered by a storm; and perhaps for the same
+reason Herod, that tyrant and cruel King of Judaea, finding himself near
+the pangs of a horrid kind of death--for he died of a phthiriasis, devoured
+by vermin and lice; as before him died L. Sylla, Pherecydes the Syrian, the
+preceptor of Pythagoras, the Greek poet Alcmaeon, and others--and
+foreseeing that the Jews would make bonfires at his death, caused all the
+nobles and magistrates to be summoned to his seraglio out of all the
+cities, towns, and castles of Judaea, fraudulently pretending that he had
+some things of moment to impart to them.  They made their personal
+appearance; whereupon he caused them all to be shut up in the hippodrome of
+the seraglio; then said to his sister Salome and Alexander her husband:  I
+am certain that the Jews will rejoice at my death; but if you will observe
+and perform what I tell you, my funeral shall be honourable, and there will
+be a general mourning.  As soon as you see me dead, let my guards, to whom
+I have already given strict commission to that purpose, kill all the
+noblemen and magistrates that are secured in the hippodrome.  By these
+means all Jewry shall, in spite of themselves, be obliged to mourn and
+lament, and foreigners will imagine it to be for my death, as if some
+heroic soul had left her body.  A desperate tyrant wished as much when he
+said, When I die, let earth and fire be mixed together; which was as good
+as to say, let the whole world perish.  Which saying the tyrant Nero
+altered, saying, While I live, as Suetonius affirms it.  This detestable
+saying, of which Cicero, lib. De Finib., and Seneca, lib. 2, De Clementia,
+make mention, is ascribed to the Emperor Tiberius by Dion Nicaeus and
+Suidas.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXVII.
+
+Pantagruel's discourse of the decease of heroic souls; and of the dreadful
+prodigies that happened before the death of the late Lord de Langey.
+
+I would not, continued Pantagruel, have missed the storm that hath thus
+disordered us, were I also to have missed the relation of these things told
+us by this good Macrobius.  Neither am I unwilling to believe what he said
+of a comet that appears in the sky some days before such a decease.  For
+some of those souls are so noble, so precious, and so heroic that heaven
+gives us notice of their departing some days before it happens.  And as a
+prudent physician, seeing by some symptoms that his patient draws towards
+his end, some days before gives notice of it to his wife, children,
+kindred, and friends, that, in that little time he hath yet to live, they
+may admonish him to settle all things in his family, to tutor and instruct
+his children as much as he can, recommend his relict to his friends in her
+widowhood, and declare what he knows to be necessary about a provision for
+the orphans; that he may not be surprised by death without making his will,
+and may take care of his soul and family; in the same manner the heavens,
+as it were joyful for the approaching reception of those blessed souls,
+seem to make bonfires by those comets and blazing meteors, which they at
+the same time kindly design should prognosticate to us here that in a few
+days one of those venerable souls is to leave her body and this terrestrial
+globe.  Not altogether unlike this was what was formerly done at Athens by
+the judges of the Areopagus.  For when they gave their verdict to cast or
+clear the culprits that were tried before them, they used certain notes
+according to the substance of the sentences; by Theta signifying
+condemnation to death; by T, absolution; by A, ampliation or a demur, when
+the case was not sufficiently examined.  Thus having publicly set up those
+letters, they eased the relations and friends of the prisoners, and such
+others as desired to know their doom, of their doubts.  Likewise by these
+comets, as in ethereal characters, the heavens silently say to us, Make
+haste, mortals, if you would know or learn of the blessed souls anything
+concerning the public good or your private interest; for their catastrophe
+is near, which being past, you will vainly wish for them afterwards.
+
+The good-natured heavens still do more; and that mankind may be declared
+unworthy of the enjoyment of those renowned souls, they fright and astonish
+us with prodigies, monsters, and other foreboding signs that thwart the
+order of nature.
+
+Of this we had an instance several days before the decease of the heroic
+soul of the learned and valiant Chevalier de Langey, of whom you have
+already spoken.  I remember it, said Epistemon; and my heart still trembles
+within me when I think on the many dreadful prodigies that we saw five or
+six days before he died.  For the Lords D'Assier, Chemant, one-eyed Mailly,
+St. Ayl, Villeneufue-la-Guyart, Master Gabriel, physician of Savillan,
+Rabelais, Cohuau, Massuau, Majorici, Bullou, Cercu, alias Bourgmaistre,
+Francis Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francis Bourre, and many other
+friends and servants to the deceased, all dismayed, gazed on each other
+without uttering one word; yet not without foreseeing that France would in
+a short time be deprived of a knight so accomplished and necessary for its
+glory and protection, and that heaven claimed him again as its due.  By the
+tufted tip of my cowl, cried Friar John, I am e'en resolved to become a
+scholar before I die.  I have a pretty good headpiece of my own, you must
+own.  Now pray give me leave to ask you a civil question.  Can these same
+heroes or demigods you talk of die?  May I never be damned if I was not so
+much a lobcock as to believe they had been immortal, like so many fine
+angels.  Heaven forgive me! but this most reverend father, Macroby, tells
+us they die at last.  Not all, returned Pantagruel.
+
+The Stoics held them all to be mortal, except one, who alone is immortal,
+impassible, invisible.  Pindar plainly saith that there is no more thread,
+that is to say, no more life, spun from the distaff and flax of the
+hard-hearted Fates for the goddesses Hamadryades than there is for those
+trees that are preserved by them, which are good, sturdy, downright oaks;
+whence they derived their original, according to the opinion of Callimachus
+and Pausanias in Phoci.  With whom concurs Martianus Capella.  As for the
+demigods, fauns, satyrs, sylvans, hobgoblins, aegipanes, nymphs, heroes, and
+demons, several men have, from the total sum, which is the result of the
+divers ages calculated by Hesiod, reckoned their life to be 9720 years; that
+sum consisting of four special numbers orderly arising from one, the same
+added together and multiplied by four every way amounts to forty; these
+forties, being reduced into triangles by five times, make up the total of
+the aforesaid number.  See Plutarch, in his book about the Cessation of
+Oracles.
+
+This, said Friar John, is not matter of breviary; I may believe as little
+or as much of it as you and I please.  I believe, said Pantagruel, that all
+intellectual souls are exempted from Atropos's scissors.  They are all
+immortal, whether they be of angels, or demons, or human; yet I will tell
+you a story concerning this that is very strange, but is written and
+affirmed by several learned historians.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXVIII.
+
+How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the death of the heroes.
+
+Epitherses, the father of Aemilian the rhetorician, sailing from Greece to
+Italy in a ship freighted with divers goods and passengers, at night the
+wind failed 'em near the Echinades, some islands that lie between the Morea
+and Tunis, and the vessel was driven near Paxos.  When they were got
+thither, some of the passengers being asleep, others awake, the rest eating
+and drinking, a voice was heard that called aloud, Thamous! which cry
+surprised them all.  This same Thamous was their pilot, an Egyptian by
+birth, but known by name only to some few travellers.  The voice was heard
+a second time calling Thamous, in a frightful tone; and none making answer,
+but trembling and remaining silent, the voice was heard a third time, more
+dreadful than before.
+
+This caused Thamous to answer:  Here am I; what dost thou call me for?
+What wilt thou have me do?  Then the voice, louder than before, bid him
+publish when he should come to Palodes, that the great god Pan was dead.
+
+Epitherses related that all the mariners and passengers, having heard this,
+were extremely amazed and frighted; and that, consulting among themselves
+whether they had best conceal or divulge what the voice had enjoined,
+Thamous said his advice was that if they happened to have a fair wind they
+should proceed without mentioning a word on't, but if they chanced to be
+becalmed he would publish what he had heard.  Now when they were near
+Palodes they had no wind, neither were they in any current.  Thamous then
+getting up on the top of the ship's forecastle, and casting his eyes on the
+shore, said that he had been commanded to proclaim that the great god Pan
+was dead.  The words were hardly out of his mouth, when deep groans, great
+lamentations, and doleful shrieks, not of one person, but of many together,
+were heard from the land.
+
+The news of this--many being present then--was soon spread at Rome;
+insomuch that Tiberius, who was then emperor, sent for this Thamous, and
+having heard him gave credit to his words.  And inquiring of the learned in
+his court and at Rome who was that Pan, he found by their relation that he
+was the son of Mercury and Penelope, as Herodotus and Cicero in his third
+book of the Nature of the Gods had written before.
+
+For my part, I understand it of that great Saviour of the faithful who was
+shamefully put to death at Jerusalem by the envy and wickedness of the
+doctors, priests, and monks of the Mosaic law.  And methinks my
+interpretation is not improper; for he may lawfully be said in the Greek
+tongue to be Pan, since he is our all.  For all that we are, all that we
+live, all that we have, all that we hope, is him, by him, from him, and in
+him.  He is the good Pan, the great shepherd, who, as the loving shepherd
+Corydon affirms, hath not only a tender love and affection for his sheep,
+but also for their shepherds.  At his death, complaints, sighs, fears, and
+lamentations were spread through the whole fabric of the universe, whether
+heavens, land, sea, or hell.
+
+The time also concurs with this interpretation of mine; for this most good,
+most mighty Pan, our only Saviour, died near Jerusalem during the reign of
+Tiberius Caesar.
+
+Pantagruel, having ended this discourse, remained silent and full of
+contemplation.  A little while after we saw the tears flow out of his eyes
+as big as ostrich's eggs.  God take me presently if I tell you one single
+syllable of a lie in the matter.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXIX.
+
+How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking Island, where Shrovetide reigned.
+
+The jovial fleet being refitted and repaired, new stores taken in, the
+Macreons over and above satisfied and pleased with the money spent there by
+Pantagruel, our men in better humour than they used to be, if possible, we
+merrily put to sea the next day, near sunset, with a delicious fresh gale.
+
+Xenomanes showed us afar off the Sneaking Island, where reigned Shrovetide,
+of whom Pantagruel had heard much talk formerly; for that reason he would
+gladly have seen him in person, had not Xenomanes advised him to the
+contrary; first, because this would have been much out of our way, and then
+for the lean cheer which he told us was to be found at that prince's court,
+and indeed all over the island.
+
+You can see nothing there for your money, said he, but a huge greedy-guts,
+a tall woundy swallower of hot wardens and mussels; a long-shanked
+mole-catcher; an overgrown bottler of hay; a mossy-chinned demi-giant, with
+a double shaven crown, of lantern breed; a very great loitering noddy-peaked
+youngster, banner-bearer to the fish-eating tribe, dictator of mustard-land,
+flogger of little children, calciner of ashes, father and foster-father to
+physicians, swarming with pardons, indulgences, and stations; a very honest
+man; a good catholic, and as brimful of devotion as ever he can hold.
+
+He weeps the three-fourth parts of the day, and never assists at any
+weddings; but, give the devil his due, he is the most industrious
+larding-stick and skewer-maker in forty kingdoms.
+
+About six years ago, as I passed by Sneaking-land, I brought home a large
+skewer from thence, and made a present of it to the butchers of Quande, who
+set a great value upon them, and that for a cause.  Some time or other, if
+ever we live to come back to our own country, I will show you two of them
+fastened on the great church porch.  His usual food is pickled coats of
+mail, salt helmets and head-pieces, and salt sallets; which sometimes makes
+him piss pins and needles.  As for his clothing, 'tis comical enough o'
+conscience, both for make and colour; for he wears grey and cold, nothing
+before, and nought behind, with the sleeves of the same.
+
+You will do me a kindness, said Pantagruel, if, as you have described his
+clothes, food, actions, and pastimes, you will also give me an account of
+his shape and disposition in all his parts.  Prithee do, dear cod, said
+Friar John, for I have found him in my breviary, and then follow the
+movable holy days.  With all my heart, answered Xenomanes; we may chance to
+hear more of him as we touch at the Wild Island, the dominions of the squab
+Chitterlings, his enemies, against whom he is eternally at odds; and were
+it not for the help of the noble Carnival, their protector and good
+neighbour, this meagre-looked lozelly Shrovetide would long before this
+have made sad work among them, and rooted them out of their habitation.
+Are these same Chitterlings, said Friar John, male or female, angels or
+mortals, women or maids?  They are, replied Xenomanes, females in sex,
+mortal in kind, some of them maids, others not.  The devil have me, said
+Friar John, if I ben't for them.  What a shameful disorder in nature, is it
+not, to make war against women?  Let's go back and hack the villain to
+pieces.  What! meddle with Shrovetide? cried Panurge, in the name of
+Beelzebub, I am not yet so weary of my life.  No, I'm not yet so mad as
+that comes to.  Quid juris?  Suppose we should find ourselves pent up
+between the Chitterlings and Shrovetide? between the anvil and the hammers?
+Shankers and buboes! stand off! godzooks, let us make the best of our way.
+I bid you good night, sweet Mr. Shrovetide; I recommend to you the
+Chitterlings, and pray don't forget the puddings.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXX.
+
+How Shrovetide is anatomized and described by Xenomanes.
+
+As for the inward parts of Shrovetide, said Xenomanes; his brain is (at
+least, it was in my time) in bigness, colours, substance, and strength,
+much like the left cod of a he hand-worm.
+
+The ventricles of his said brain,     The stomach, like a belt.
+  like an auger.                      The pylorus, like a pitchfork.
+The worm-like excrescence, like       The windpipe, like an oyster-
+  a Christmas-box.                      knife.
+The membranes, like a monk's          The throat, like a pincushion
+  cowl.                                 stuffed with oakum.
+The funnel, like a mason's chisel.    The lungs, like a prebend's
+The fornix, like a casket.              fur-gown.
+The glandula pinealis, like a bag-    The heart, like a cope.
+  pipe.                               The mediastine, like an earthen
+The rete mirabile, like a gutter.       cup.
+The dug-like processus, like a        The pleura, like a crow's bill.
+  patch.                              The arteries, like a watch-coat.
+The tympanums, like a whirli-         The midriff, like a montero-cap.
+  gig.                                The liver, like a double-tongued
+The rocky bones, like a goose-          mattock.
+  wing.                               The veins, like a sash-window.
+The nape of the neck, like a paper    The spleen, like a catcall.
+  lantern.                            The guts, like a trammel.
+The nerves, like a pipkin.            The gall, like a cooper's adze.
+The uvula, like a sackbut.            The entrails, like a gauntlet.
+The palate, like a mitten.            The mesentery, like an abbot's
+The spittle, like a shuttle.            mitre.
+The almonds, like a telescope.        The hungry gut, like a button.
+The bridge of his nose, like a        The blind gut, like a breastplate.
+  wheelbarrow.                        The colon, like a bridle.
+The head of the larynx, like a        The arse-gut, like a monk's
+  vintage-basket.                       leathern bottle.
+The kidneys, like a trowel.           The ligaments, like a tinker's
+The loins, like a padlock.              budget.
+The ureters, like a pothook.          The bones, like three-cornered
+The emulgent veins, like two            cheesecakes.
+  gilliflowers.                       The marrow, like a wallet.
+The spermatic vessels, like a         The cartilages, like a field-
+  cully-mully-puff.                           tortoise, alias a mole.
+The parastata, like an inkpot.        The glandules in the mouth, like
+The bladder, like a stone-bow.          a pruning-knife.
+The neck, like a mill-clapper.        The animal spirits, like swingeing
+The mirach, or lower parts of the       fisticuffs.
+  belly, like a high-crowned hat.     The blood-fermenting, like a
+The siphach, or its inner rind,         multiplication of flirts on the
+  like a wooden cuff.                   nose.
+The muscles, like a pair of bellows.  The urine, like a figpecker.
+The tendons, like a hawking-          The sperm, like a hundred
+  glove.                                ten-penny nails.
+
+And his nurse told me, that being married to Mid-lent, he only begot a good
+number of local adverbs and certain double fasts.
+
+His memory he had like a scarf.       His undertakings, like the ballast
+His common sense, like a buzzing        of a galleon.
+  of bees.                            His understanding, like a torn
+His imagination, like the chime         breviary.
+  of a set of bells.                  His notions, like snails crawling
+His thoughts, like a flight of star-    out of strawberries.
+  lings.                              His will, like three filberts in a
+His conscience, like the unnest-        porringer.
+  ling of a parcel of young           His desire, like six trusses of hay.
+  herons.                             His judgment, like a shoeing-
+His deliberations, like a set of        horn.
+  organs.                             His discretion, like the truckle of
+His repentance, like the carriage       a pulley.
+  of a double cannon.                 His reason, like a cricket.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXI.
+
+Shrovetide's outward parts anatomized.
+
+Shrovetide, continued Xenomanes, is somewhat better proportioned in his
+outward parts, excepting the seven ribs which he had over and above the
+common shape of men.
+
+His toes were like a virginal on     The peritoneum, or caul wherein
+  an organ.                            his bowels were wrapped, like
+His nails, like a gimlet.              a billiard-table.
+His feet, like a guitar.             His back, like an overgrown rack-
+His heels, like a club.                bent crossbow.
+The soles of his feet, like a cru-   The vertebrae, or joints of his
+  cible.                               backbone, like a bagpipe.
+His legs, like a hawk's lure.        His ribs, like a spinning-wheel.
+His knees, like a joint-stool.       His brisket, like a canopy.
+His thighs, like a steel cap.        His shoulder-blades, like a mortar.
+His hips, like a wimble.             His breast, like a game at nine-
+His belly as big as a tun, buttoned    pins.
+  after the old fashion, with a      His paps, like a hornpipe.
+  girdle riding over the middle      His armpits, like a chequer.
+  of his bosom.                      His shoulders, like a hand-barrow.
+His navel, like a cymbal.            His arms, like a riding-hood.
+His groin, like a minced pie.        His fingers, like a brotherhood's
+His member, like a slipper.            andirons.
+His purse, like an oil cruet.        The fibulae, or lesser bones of his
+His genitals, like a joiner's planer.  legs, like a pair of stilts.
+Their erecting muscles, like a       His shin-bones, like sickles.
+  racket.                            His elbows, like a mouse-trap.
+The perineum, like a flageolet.      His hands, like a curry-comb.
+His arse-hole, like a crystal look-  His neck, like a talboy.
+  ing-glass.                         His throat, like a felt to distil hip-
+His bum, like a harrow.                pocras.
+The knob in his throat, like a       His loins, like a butter-pot.
+  barrel, where hanged two           His jaws, like a caudle cup.
+  brazen wens, very fine and         His teeth, like a hunter's staff.
+  harmonious, in the shape of an       Of such colt's teeth as his,
+  hourglass.                           you will find one at Colonges
+His beard, like a lantern.             les Royaux in Poitou, and
+His chin, like a mushroom.             two at La Brosse in Xaintonge,
+His ears, like a pair of gloves.       on the cellar door.
+His nose, like a buskin.             His tongue, like a jew's-harp.
+His nostrils, like a forehead cloth. His mouth, like a horse-cloth.
+His eyebrows, like a dripping-pan.   His face embroidered like a mule's
+On his left brow was a mark of         pack-saddle.
+  the shape and bigness of an        His head contrived like a still.
+  urinal.                            His skull, like a pouch.
+His eyelids, like a fiddle.          The suturae, or seams of his skull,
+His eyes, like a comb-box.             like the annulus piscatoris, or
+His optic nerves, like a tinder-       the fisher's signet.
+  box.                               His skin, like a gabardine.
+His forehead, like a false cup.      His epidermis, or outward skin,
+His temples, like the cock of a        like a bolting-cloth.
+  cistern.                           His hair, like a scrubbing-brush.
+His cheeks, like a pair of wooden    His fur, such as above said.
+  shoes.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXII.
+
+A continuation of Shrovetide's countenance.
+
+'Tis a wonderful thing, continued Xenomanes, to hear and see the state of
+Shrovetide.
+
+If he chanced to spit, it was whole  When he trembled, it was large
+  basketsful of goldfinches.           venison pasties.
+If he blowed his nose, it was        When he did sweat, it was old
+  pickled grigs.                       ling with butter sauce.
+When he wept, it was ducks with      When he belched, it was bushels
+  onion sauce.                         of oysters.
+When he sneezed, it was whole        When he muttered, it was lawyers'
+  tubfuls of mustard.                  revels.
+When he coughed, it was boxes        When he hopped about, it was
+  of marmalade.                        letters of licence and protec-
+When he sobbed, it was water-          tions.
+  cresses.                           When he stepped back, it was
+When he yawned, it was potfuls         sea cockle-shells.
+  of pickled peas.                   When he slabbered, it was com-
+When he sighed, it was dried           mon ovens.
+  neats' tongues.                    When he was hoarse, it was an
+When he whistled, it was a whole       entry of morrice-dancers.
+  scuttleful of green apes.          When he broke wind, it was dun
+When he snored, it was a whole         cows' leather spatterdashes.
+  panful of fried beans.             When he funked, it was washed-
+When he frowned, it was soused         leather boots.
+  hogs' feet.                        When he scratched himself, it
+When he spoke, it was coarse           was new proclamations.
+  brown russet cloth; so little      When he sung, it was peas in
+  it was like crimson silk, with       cods.
+  which Parisatis desired that       When he evacuated, it was mush-
+  the words of such as spoke to        rooms and morilles.
+  her son Cyrus, King of Persia,     When he puffed, it was cabbages
+  should be interwoven.                with oil, alias caules amb'olif.
+When he blowed, it was indulg-       When he talked, it was the last
+  ence money-boxes.                    year's snow.
+When he winked, it was buttered      When he dreamt, it was of a
+  buns.                                cock and a bull.
+When he grumbled, it was March       When he gave nothing, so much
+  cats.                                for the bearer.
+When he nodded, it was iron-         If he thought to himself, it was
+  bound waggons.                       whimsies and maggots.
+When he made mouths, it was          If he dozed, it was leases of lands.
+  broken staves.
+
+What is yet more strange, he used to work doing nothing, and did nothing
+though he worked; caroused sleeping, and slept carousing, with his eyes
+open, like the hares in our country, for fear of being taken napping by the
+Chitterlings, his inveterate enemies; biting he laughed, and laughing bit;
+eat nothing fasting, and fasted eating nothing; mumbled upon suspicion,
+drank by imagination, swam on the tops of high steeples, dried his clothes
+in ponds and rivers, fished in the air, and there used to catch decumane
+lobsters; hunted at the bottom of the herring-pond, and caught there
+ibexes, stamboucs, chamois, and other wild goats; used to put out the eyes
+of all the crows which he took sneakingly; feared nothing but his own
+shadow and the cries of fat kids; used to gad abroad some days, like a
+truant schoolboy; played with the ropes of bells on festival days of
+saints; made a mallet of his fist, and writ on hairy parchment
+prognostications and almanacks with his huge pin-case.
+
+Is that the gentleman? said Friar John.  He is my man; this is the very
+fellow I looked for.  I will send him a challenge immediately.  This is,
+said Pantagruel, a strange and monstrous sort of man, if I may call him a
+man.  You put me in mind of the form and looks of Amodunt and Dissonance.
+How were they made? said Friar John.  May I be peeled like a raw onion if
+ever I heard a word of them.  I'll tell you what I read of them in some
+ancient apologues, replied Pantagruel.
+
+Physis--that is to say, Nature--at her first burthen begat Beauty and
+Harmony without carnal copulation, being of herself very fruitful and
+prolific.  Antiphysis, who ever was the counter part of Nature,
+immediately, out of a malicious spite against her for her beautiful and
+honourable productions, in opposition begot Amodunt and Dissonance by
+copulation with Tellumon.  Their heads were round like a football, and not
+gently flatted on both sides, like the common shape of men.  Their ears
+stood pricked up like those of asses; their eyes, as hard as those of
+crabs, and without brows, stared out of their heads, fixed on bones like
+those of our heels; their feet were round like tennis-balls; their arms and
+hands turned backwards towards their shoulders; and they walked on their
+heads, continually turning round like a ball, topsy-turvy, heels over head.
+
+Yet--as you know that apes esteem their young the handsomest in the world
+--Antiphysis extolled her offspring, and strove to prove that their shape
+was handsomer and neater than that of the children of Physis, saying that
+thus to have spherical heads and feet, and walk in a circular manner,
+wheeling round, had something in it of the perfection of the divine power,
+which makes all beings eternally turn in that fashion; and that to have our
+feet uppermost, and the head below them, was to imitate the Creator of the
+universe; the hair being like the roots, and the legs like the branches of
+man; for trees are better planted by their roots than they could be by their
+branches.  By this demonstration she implied that her children were much
+more to be praised for being like a standing tree, than those of Physis,
+that made a figure of a tree upside down.  As for the arms and hands, she
+pretended to prove that they were more justly turned towards the shoulders,
+because that part of the body ought not to be without defence, while the
+forepart is duly fenced with teeth, which a man cannot only use to chew, but
+also to defend himself against those things that offend him. Thus, by the
+testimony and astipulation of the brute beasts, she drew all the witless
+herd and mob of fools into her opinion, and was admired by all brainless and
+nonsensical people.
+
+Since that, she begot the hypocritical tribes of eavesdropping dissemblers,
+superstitious pope-mongers, and priest-ridden bigots, the frantic
+Pistolets, (the demoniacal Calvins, impostors of Geneva,) the scrapers of
+benefices, apparitors with the devil in them, and other grinders and
+squeezers of livings, herb-stinking hermits, gulligutted dunces of the
+cowl, church vermin, false zealots, devourers of the substance of men, and
+many more other deformed and ill-favoured monsters, made in spite of
+nature.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXIII.
+
+How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous physeter, or whirlpool, near the Wild
+Island.
+
+About sunset, coming near the Wild Island, Pantagruel spied afar off a huge
+monstrous physeter (a sort of whale, which some call a whirlpool), that
+came right upon us, neighing, snorting, raised above the waves higher than
+our main-tops, and spouting water all the way into the air before itself,
+like a large river falling from a mountain.  Pantagruel showed it to the
+pilot and to Xenomanes.
+
+By the pilot's advice the trumpets of the Thalamege were sounded to warn
+all the fleet to stand close and look to themselves.  This alarm being
+given, all the ships, galleons, frigates, brigantines, according to their
+naval discipline, placed themselves in the order and figure of an Y
+(upsilon), the letter of Pythagoras, as cranes do in their flight, and like
+an acute angle, in whose cone and basis the Thalamege placed herself ready
+to fight smartly.  Friar John with the grenadiers got on the forecastle.
+
+Poor Panurge began to cry and howl worse than ever.  Babille-babou, said
+he, shrugging up his shoulders, quivering all over with fear, there will be
+the devil upon dun.  This is a worse business than that t'other day.  Let
+us fly, let us fly; old Nick take me if it is not Leviathan, described by
+the noble prophet Moses in the life of patient Job.  It will swallow us
+all, ships and men, shag, rag, and bobtail, like a dose of pills.  Alas! it
+will make no more of us, and we shall hold no more room in its hellish
+jaws, than a sugarplum in an ass's throat.  Look, look, 'tis upon us; let
+us wheel off, whip it away, and get ashore.  I believe 'tis the very
+individual sea-monster that was formerly designed to devour Andromeda; we
+are all undone.  Oh! for some valiant Perseus here now to kill the dog.
+
+I'll do its business presently, said Pantagruel; fear nothing.  Ods-belly,
+said Panurge, remove the cause of my fear then.  When the devil would you
+have a man be afraid but when there is so much cause?  If your destiny be
+such as Friar John was saying a while ago, replied Pantagruel, you ought to
+be afraid of Pyroeis, Eous, Aethon, and Phlegon, the sun's coach-horses,
+that breathe fire at the nostrils; and not of physeters, that spout nothing
+but water at the snout and mouth.  Their water will not endanger your life;
+and that element will rather save and preserve than hurt or endanger you.
+
+Ay, ay, trust to that, and hang me, quoth Panurge; yours is a very pretty
+fancy.  Ods-fish! did I not give you a sufficient account of the elements'
+transmutation, and the blunders that are made of roast for boiled, and
+boiled for roast?  Alas! here 'tis; I'll go hide myself below.  We are dead
+men, every mother's son of us.  I see upon our main-top that merciless hag
+Atropos, with her scissors new ground, ready to cut our threads all at one
+snip.  Oh! how dreadful and abominable thou art; thou hast drowned a good
+many beside us, who never made their brags of it.  Did it but spout good,
+brisk, dainty, delicious white wine, instead of this damned bitter salt
+water, one might better bear with it, and there would be some cause to be
+patient; like that English lord, who being doomed to die, and had leave to
+choose what kind of death he would, chose to be drowned in a butt of
+malmsey.  Here it is.  Oh, oh! devil!  Sathanas!  Leviathan!  I cannot
+abide to look upon thee, thou art so abominably ugly.  Go to the bar, go
+take the pettifoggers.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXIV.
+
+How the monstrous physeter was slain by Pantagruel.
+
+The physeter, coming between the ships and the galleons, threw water by
+whole tuns upon them, as if it had been the cataracts of the Nile in
+Ethiopia.  On the other side, arrows, darts, gleaves, javelins, spears,
+harping-irons, and partizans, flew upon it like hail.  Friar John did not
+spare himself in it.  Panurge was half dead for fear.  The artillery roared
+and thundered like mad, and seemed to gall it in good earnest, but did but
+little good; for the great iron and brass cannon-shot entering its skin
+seemed to melt like tiles in the sun.
+
+Pantagruel then, considering the weight and exigency of the matter,
+stretched out his arms and showed what he could do.  You tell us, and it is
+recorded, that Commudus, the Roman emperor, could shoot with a bow so
+dexterously that at a good distance he would let fly an arrow through a
+child's fingers and never touch them.  You also tell us of an Indian
+archer, who lived when Alexander the Great conquered India, and was so
+skilful in drawing the bow, that at a considerable distance he would shoot
+his arrows through a ring, though they were three cubits long, and their
+iron so large and weighty that with them he used to pierce steel cutlasses,
+thick shields, steel breastplates, and generally what he did hit, how firm,
+resisting, hard, and strong soever it were.  You also tell us wonders of
+the industry of the ancient Franks, who were preferred to all others in
+point of archery; and when they hunted either black or dun beasts, used to
+rub the head of their arrows with hellebore, because the flesh of the
+venison struck with such an arrow was more tender, dainty, wholesome, and
+delicious--paring off, nevertheless, the part that was touched round about.
+You also talk of the Parthians, who used to shoot backwards more
+dexterously than other nations forwards; and also celebrate the skill of
+the Scythians in that art, who sent once to Darius, King of Persia, an
+ambassador that made him a present of a bird, a frog, a mouse, and five
+arrows, without speaking one word; and being asked what those presents
+meant, and if he had commission to say anything, answered that he had not;
+which puzzled and gravelled Darius very much, till Gobrias, one of the
+seven captains that had killed the magi, explained it, saying to Darius:
+By these gifts and offerings the Scythians silently tell you that except
+the Persians like birds fly up to heaven, or like mice hide themselves near
+the centre of the earth, or like frogs dive to the very bottom of ponds and
+lakes, they shall be destroyed by the power and arrows of the Scythians.
+
+The noble Pantagruel was, without comparison, more admirable yet in the art
+of shooting and darting; for with his dreadful piles and darts, nearly
+resembling the huge beams that support the bridges of Nantes, Saumur,
+Bergerac, and at Paris the millers' and the changers' bridges, in length,
+size, weight, and iron-work, he at a mile's distance would open an oyster
+and never touch the edges; he would snuff a candle without putting it out;
+would shoot a magpie in the eye; take off a boot's under-sole, or a
+riding-hood's lining, without soiling them a bit; turn over every leaf
+of Friar John's breviary, one after another, and not tear one.
+
+With such darts, of which there was good store in the ship, at the first
+blow he ran the physeter in at the forehead so furiously that he pierced
+both its jaws and tongue; so that from that time to this it no more opened
+its guttural trapdoor, nor drew and spouted water.  At the second blow he
+put out its right eye, and at the third its left; and we had all the
+pleasure to see the physeter bearing those three horns in its forehead,
+somewhat leaning forwards in an equilateral triangle.
+
+Meanwhile it turned about to and fro, staggering and straying like one
+stunned, blinded, and taking his leave of the world.  Pantagruel, not
+satisfied with this, let fly another dart, which took the monster under the
+tail likewise sloping; then with three other on the chine, in a
+perpendicular line, divided its flank from the tail to the snout at an
+equal distance.  Then he larded it with fifty on one side, and after that,
+to make even work, he darted as many on its other side; so that the body of
+the physeter seemed like the hulk of a galleon with three masts, joined by
+a competent dimension of its beams, as if they had been the ribs and
+chain-wales of the keel; which was a pleasant sight.  The physeter then
+giving up the ghost, turned itself upon its back, as all dead fishes do; and
+being thus overturned, with the beams and darts upside down in the sea, it
+seemed a scolopendra or centipede, as that serpent is described by the
+ancient sage Nicander.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXV.
+
+How Pantagruel went on shore in the Wild Island, the ancient abode of the
+Chitterlings.
+
+The boat's crew of the ship Lantern towed the physeter ashore on the
+neighbouring shore, which happened to be the Wild Island, to make an
+anatomical dissection of its body and save the fat of its kidneys, which,
+they said, was very useful and necessary for the cure of a certain
+distemper, which they called want of money.  As for Pantagruel, he took no
+manner of notice of the monster; for he had seen many such, nay, bigger, in
+the Gallic ocean.  Yet he condescended to land in the Wild Island, to dry
+and refresh some of his men (whom the physeter had wetted and bedaubed), at
+a small desert seaport towards the south, seated near a fine pleasant
+grove, out of which flowed a delicious brook of fresh, clear, and purling
+water.  Here they pitched their tents and set up their kitchens; nor did
+they spare fuel.
+
+Everyone having shifted as they thought fit, Friar John rang the bell, and
+the cloth was immediately laid, and supper brought in.  Pantagruel eating
+cheerfully with his men, much about the second course perceived certain
+little sly Chitterlings clambering up a high tree near the pantry, as still
+as so many mice.  Which made him ask Xenomanes what kind of creatures these
+were, taking them for squirrels, weasels, martins, or ermines.  They are
+Chitterlings, replied Xenomanes.  This is the Wild Island of which I spoke
+to you this morning; there hath been an irreconcilable war this long time
+between them and Shrovetide, their malicious and ancient enemy.  I believe
+that the noise of the guns which we fired at the physeter hath alarmed
+them, and made them fear their enemy was come with his forces to surprise
+them, or lay the island waste, as he hath often attempted to do; though he
+still came off but bluely, by reason of the care and vigilance of the
+Chitterlings, who (as Dido said to Aeneas's companions that would have
+landed at Carthage without her leave or knowledge) were forced to watch and
+stand upon their guard, considering the malice of their enemy and the
+neighbourhood of his territories.
+
+Pray, dear friend, said Pantagruel, if you find that by some honest means
+we may bring this war to an end, and reconcile them together, give me
+notice of it; I will use my endeavours in it with all my heart, and spare
+nothing on my side to moderate and accommodate the points in dispute
+between both parties.
+
+That's impossible at this time, answered Xenomanes.  About four years ago,
+passing incognito by this country, I endeavoured to make a peace, or at
+least a long truce among them; and I had certainly brought them to be good
+friends and neighbours if both one and the other parties would have yielded
+to one single article.  Shrovetide would not include in the treaty of peace
+the wild puddings nor the highland sausages, their ancient gossips and
+confederates.  The Chitterlings demanded that the fort of Cacques might be
+under their government, as is the Castle of Sullouoir, and that a parcel of
+I don't know what stinking villains, murderers, robbers, that held it then,
+should be expelled.  But they could not agree in this, and the terms that
+were offered seemed too hard to either party.  So the treaty broke off, and
+nothing was done.  Nevertheless, they became less severe, and gentler
+enemies than they were before; but since the denunciation of the national
+Council of Chesil, whereby they were roughly handled, hampered, and cited;
+whereby also Shrovetide was declared filthy, beshitten, and berayed, in
+case he made any league or agreement with them; they are grown wonderfully
+inveterate, incensed, and obstinate against one another, and there is no
+way to remedy it.  You might sooner reconcile cats and rats, or hounds and
+hares together.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXVI.
+
+How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambuscado for Pantagruel.
+
+While Xenomanes was saying this, Friar John spied twenty or thirty young
+slender-shaped Chitterlings posting as fast as they could towards their
+town, citadel, castle, and fort of Chimney, and said to Pantagruel, I smell
+a rat; there will be here the devil upon two sticks, or I am much out.
+These worshipful Chitterlings may chance to mistake you for Shrovetide,
+though you are not a bit like him.  Let us once in our lives leave our
+junketing for a while, and put ourselves in a posture to give 'em a
+bellyful of fighting, if they would be at that sport.  There can be no
+false Latin in this, said Xenomanes; Chitterlings are still Chitterlings,
+always double-hearted and treacherous.
+
+Pantagruel then arose from table to visit and scour the thicket, and
+returned presently; having discovered, on the left, an ambuscade of squab
+Chitterlings; and on the right, about half a league from thence, a large
+body of huge giant-like armed Chitterlings ranged in battalia along a
+little hill, and marching furiously towards us at the sound of bagpipes,
+sheep's paunches, and bladders, the merry fifes and drums, trumpets, and
+clarions, hoping to catch us as Moss caught his mare.  By the conjecture of
+seventy-eight standards which we told, we guessed their number to be two
+and forty thousand, at a modest computation.
+
+Their order, proud gait, and resolute looks made us judge that they were
+none of your raw, paltry links, but old warlike Chitterlings and Sausages.
+From the foremost ranks to the colours they were all armed cap-a-pie with
+small arms, as we reckoned them at a distance, yet very sharp and
+case-hardened.  Their right and left wings were lined with a great number of
+forest puddings, heavy pattipans, and horse sausages, all of them tall and
+proper islanders, banditti, and wild.
+
+Pantagruel was very much daunted, and not without cause; though Epistemon
+told him that it might be the use and custom of the Chitterlingonians to
+welcome and receive thus in arms their foreign friends, as the noble kings
+of France are received and saluted at their first coming into the chief
+cities of the kingdom after their advancement to the crown.  Perhaps, said
+he, it may be the usual guard of the queen of the place, who, having notice
+given her by the junior Chitterlings of the forlorn hope whom you saw on
+the tree, of the arrival of your fine and pompous fleet, hath judged that
+it was without doubt some rich and potent prince, and is come to visit you
+in person.
+
+Pantagruel, little trusting to this, called a council, to have their advice
+at large in this doubtful case.  He briefly showed them how this way of
+reception with arms had often, under colour of compliment and friendship,
+been fatal.  Thus, said he, the Emperor Antonius Caracalla at one time
+destroyed the citizens of Alexandria, and at another time cut off the
+attendants of Artabanus, King of Persia, under colour of marrying his
+daughter, which, by the way, did not pass unpunished, for a while after
+this cost him his life.
+
+Thus Jacob's children destroyed the Sichemites, to revenge the rape of
+their sister Dinah.  By such another hypocritical trick Gallienus, the
+Roman emperor, put to death the military men in Constantinople.  Thus,
+under colour of friendship, Antonius enticed Artavasdes, King of Armenia;
+then, having caused him to be bound in heavy chains and shackled, at last
+put him to death.
+
+We find a thousand such instances in history; and King Charles VI. is
+justly commended for his prudence to this day, in that, coming back
+victorious over the Ghenters and other Flemings to his good city of Paris,
+and when he came to Bourget, a league from thence, hearing that the
+citizens with their mallets--whence they got the name of Maillotins--were
+marched out of town in battalia, twenty thousand strong, he would not go
+into the town till they had laid down their arms and retired to their
+respective homes; though they protested to him that they had taken arms
+with no other design than to receive him with the greater demonstration of
+honour and respect.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXVII.
+
+How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maul-chitterling and Colonel Cut-pudding;
+with a discourse well worth your hearing about the names of places and
+persons.
+
+The resolution of the council was that, let things be how they would, it
+behoved the Pantagruelists to stand upon their guard.  Therefore Carpalin
+and Gymnast were ordered by Pantagruel to go for the soldiers that were on
+board the Cup galley, under the command of Colonel Maul-chitterling, and
+those on board the Vine-tub frigate, under the command of Colonel
+Cut-pudding the younger.  I will ease Gymnast of that trouble, said Panurge,
+who wanted to be upon the run; you may have occasion for him here.  By
+this worthy frock of mine, quoth Friar John, thou hast a mind to slip thy
+neck out of the collar and absent thyself from the fight, thou
+white-livered son of a dunghill!  Upon my virginity thou wilt never come
+back. Well, there can be no great loss in thee; for thou wouldst do nothing
+here but howl, bray, weep, and dishearten the good soldiers.  I will
+certainly come back, said Panurge, Friar John, my ghostly father, and
+speedily too; do but take care that these plaguy Chitterlings do not board
+our ships. All the while you will be a-fighting I will pray heartily for
+your victory, after the example of the valiant captain and guide of the
+people of Israel, Moses. Having said this, he wheeled off.
+
+Then said Epistemon to Pantagruel:  The denomination of these two colonels
+of yours, Maul-chitterling and Cut-pudding, promiseth us assurance,
+success, and victory, if those Chitterlings should chance to set upon us.
+You take it rightly, said Pantagruel, and it pleaseth me to see you foresee
+and prognosticate our victory by the names of our colonels.
+
+This way of foretelling by names is not new; it was in old times celebrated
+and religiously observed by the Pythagoreans.  Several great princes and
+emperors have formerly made good use of it.  Octavianus Augustus, second
+emperor of the Romans, meeting on a day a country fellow named Eutychus
+--that is, fortunate--driving an ass named Nicon--that is, in Greek,
+Victorian--moved by the signification of the ass's and ass-driver's names,
+remained assured of all prosperity and victory.
+
+The Emperor Vespasian being once all alone at prayers in the temple of
+Serapis, at the sight and unexpected coming of a certain servant of his
+named Basilides--that is, royal--whom he had left sick a great way behind,
+took hopes and assurance of obtaining the empire of the Romans.  Regilian
+was chosen emperor by the soldiers for no other reason but the
+signification of his name.  See the Cratylus of the divine Plato.  (By my
+thirst, I will read it, said Rhizotome; I hear you so often quote it.)  See
+how the Pythagoreans, by reason of the names and numbers, conclude that
+Patroclus was to fall by the hand of Hector; Hector by Achilles; Achilles
+by Paris; Paris by Philoctetes.  I am quite lost in my understanding when I
+reflect upon the admirable invention of Pythagoras, who by the number,
+either even or odd, of the syllables of every name, would tell you of what
+side a man was lame, hulch-backed, blind, gouty, troubled with the palsy,
+pleurisy, or any other distemper incident to humankind; allotting even
+numbers to the left (Motteux reads--'even numbers to the Right, and odd
+ones to the Left.'), and odd ones to the right side of the body.
+
+Indeed, said Epistemon, I saw this way of syllabizing tried at Xaintes at a
+general procession, in the presence of that good, virtuous, learned and
+just president, Brian Vallee, Lord of Douhait.  When there went by a man or
+woman that was either lame, blind of one eye, or humpbacked, he had an
+account brought him of his or her name; and if the syllables of the name
+were of an odd number, immediately, without seeing the persons, he declared
+them to be deformed, blind, lame, or crooked of the right side; and of the
+left, if they were even in number; and such indeed we ever found them.
+
+By this syllabical invention, said Pantagruel, the learned have affirmed
+that Achilles kneeling was wounded by the arrow of Paris in the right heel,
+for his name is of odd syllables (here we ought to observe that the
+ancients used to kneel the right foot); and that Venus was also wounded
+before Troy in the left hand, for her name in Greek is Aphrodite, of four
+syllables; Vulcan lamed of his left foot for the same reason; Philip, King
+of Macedon, and Hannibal, blind of the right eye; not to speak of
+sciaticas, broken bellies, and hemicranias, which may be distinguished by
+this Pythagorean reason.
+
+But returning to names:  do but consider how Alexander the Great, son of
+King Philip, of whom we spoke just now, compassed his undertaking merely by
+the interpretation of a name.  He had besieged the strong city of Tyre, and
+for several weeks battered it with all his power; but all in vain.  His
+engines and attempts were still baffled by the Tyrians, which made him
+finally resolve to raise the siege, to his great grief; foreseeing the
+great stain which such a shameful retreat would be to his reputation.  In
+this anxiety and agitation of mind he fell asleep and dreamed that a satyr
+was come into his tent, capering, skipping, and tripping it up and down,
+with his goatish hoofs, and that he strove to lay hold on him.  But the
+satyr still slipped from him, till at last, having penned him up into a
+corner, he took him.  With this he awoke, and telling his dream to the
+philosophers and sages of his court, they let him know that it was a
+promise of victory from the gods, and that he should soon be master of
+Tyre; the word satyros divided in two being sa Tyros, and signifying Tyre
+is thine; and in truth, at the next onset, he took the town by storm, and
+by a complete victory reduced that stubborn people to subjection.
+
+On the other hand, see how, by the signification of one word, Pompey fell
+into despair.  Being overcome by Caesar at the battle of Pharsalia, he had
+no other way left to escape but by flight; which attempting by sea, he
+arrived near the island of Cyprus, and perceived on the shore near the city
+of Paphos a beautiful and stately palace; now asking the pilot what was the
+name of it, he told him that it was called kakobasilea, that is, evil king;
+which struck such a dread and terror in him that he fell into despair, as
+being assured of losing shortly his life; insomuch that his complaints,
+sighs, and groans were heard by the mariners and other passengers.  And
+indeed, a while after, a certain strange peasant, called Achillas, cut off
+his head.
+
+To all these examples might be added what happened to L. Paulus Emilius
+when the senate elected him imperator, that is, chief of the army which
+they sent against Perses, King of Macedon.  That evening returning home to
+prepare for his expedition, and kissing a little daughter of his called
+Trasia, she seemed somewhat sad to him.  What is the matter, said he, my
+chicken?  Why is my Trasia thus sad and melancholy?  Daddy, replied the
+child, Persa is dead.  This was the name of a little bitch which she loved
+mightily.  Hearing this, Paulus took assurance of a victory over Perses.
+
+If time would permit us to discourse of the sacred Hebrew writ, we might
+find a hundred noted passages evidently showing how religiously they
+observed proper names and their significations.
+
+He had hardly ended this discourse, when the two colonels arrived with
+their soldiers, all well armed and resolute.  Pantagruel made them a short
+speech, entreating them to behave themselves bravely in case they were
+attacked; for he could not yet believe that the Chitterlings were so
+treacherous; but he bade them by no means to give the first offence, giving
+them Carnival for the watchword.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXVIII.
+
+How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men.
+
+You shake your empty noddles now, jolly topers, and do not believe what I
+tell you here, any more than if it were some tale of a tub.  Well, well, I
+cannot help it.  Believe it if you will; if you won't, let it alone.  For
+my part, I very well know what I say.  It was in the Wild Island, in our
+voyage to the Holy Bottle.  I tell you the time and place; what would you
+have more?  I would have you call to mind the strength of the ancient
+giants that undertook to lay the high mountain Pelion on the top of Ossa,
+and set among those the shady Olympus, to dash out the gods' brains,
+unnestle them, and scour their heavenly lodgings.  Theirs was no small
+strength, you may well think, and yet they were nothing but Chitterlings
+from the waist downwards, or at least serpents, not to tell a lie for the
+matter.
+
+The serpent that tempted Eve, too, was of the Chitterling kind, and yet it
+is recorded of him that he was more subtle than any beast of the field.
+Even so are Chitterlings.  Nay, to this very hour they hold in some
+universities that this same tempter was the Chitterling called Ithyphallus,
+into which was transformed bawdy Priapus, arch-seducer of females in
+paradise, that is, a garden, in Greek.
+
+Pray now tell me who can tell but that the Swiss, now so bold and warlike,
+were formerly Chitterlings?  For my part, I would not take my oath to the
+contrary.  The Himantopodes, a nation very famous in Ethiopia, according to
+Pliny's description, are Chitterlings, and nothing else.  If all this will
+not satisfy your worships, or remove your incredulity, I would have you
+forthwith (I mean drinking first, that nothing be done rashly) visit
+Lusignan, Parthenay, Vouant, Mervant, and Ponzauges in Poitou.  There you
+will find a cloud of witnesses, not of your affidavit-men of the right
+stamp, but credible time out of mind, that will take their corporal oath,
+on Rigome's knuckle-bone, that Melusina their founder or foundress, which
+you please, was woman from the head to the prick-purse, and thence
+downwards was a serpentine Chitterling, or if you'll have it otherwise, a
+Chitterlingdized serpent.  She nevertheless had a genteel and noble gait,
+imitated to this very day by your hop-merchants of Brittany, in their
+paspie and country dances.
+
+What do you think was the cause of Erichthonius's being the first inventor
+of coaches, litters, and chariots?  Nothing but because Vulcan had begot
+him with Chitterlingdized legs, which to hide he chose to ride in a litter,
+rather than on horseback; for Chitterlings were not yet in esteem at that
+time.
+
+The Scythian nymph, Ora, was likewise half woman and half Chitterling, and
+yet seemed so beautiful to Jupiter that nothing could serve him but he must
+give her a touch of his godship's kindness; and accordingly he had a brave
+boy by her, called Colaxes; and therefore I would have you leave off
+shaking your empty noddles at this, as if it were a story, and firmly
+believe that nothing is truer than the gospel.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XXXIX.
+
+How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight the Chitterlings.
+
+Friar John seeing these furious Chitterlings thus boldly march up, said to
+Pantagruel, Here will be a rare battle of hobby-horses, a pretty kind of
+puppet-show fight, for aught I see.  Oh! what mighty honour and wonderful
+glory will attend our victory!  I would have you only be a bare spectator
+of this fight, and for anything else leave me and my men to deal with them.
+What men? said Pantagruel.  Matter of breviary, replied Friar John.  How
+came Potiphar, who was head-cook of Pharaoh's kitchens, he that bought
+Joseph, and whom the said Joseph might have made a cuckold if he had not
+been a Joseph; how came he, I say, to be made general of all the horse in
+the kingdom of Egypt?  Why was Nabuzardan, King Nebuchadnezzar's head-cook,
+chosen to the exclusion of all other captains to besiege and destroy
+Jerusalem?  I hear you, replied Pantagruel.  By St. Christopher's whiskers,
+said Friar John, I dare lay a wager that it was because they had formerly
+engaged Chitterlings, or men as little valued; whom to rout, conquer, and
+destroy, cooks are without comparison more fit than cuirassiers and
+gendarmes armed at all points, or all the horse and foot in the world.
+
+You put me in mind, said Pantagruel, of what is written amongst the
+facetious and merry sayings of Cicero.  During the more than civil wars
+between Caesar and Pompey, though he was much courted by the first, he
+naturally leaned more to the side of the latter.  Now one day hearing that
+the Pompeians in a certain rencontre had lost a great many men, he took a
+fancy to visit their camp.  There he perceived little strength, less
+courage, but much disorder.  From that time, foreseeing that things would
+go ill with them, as it since happened, he began to banter now one and then
+another, and be very free of his cutting jests; so some of Pompey's
+captains, playing the good fellows to show their assurance, told him, Do
+you see how many eagles we have yet?  (They were then the device of the
+Romans in war.)  They might be of use to you, replied Cicero, if you had to
+do with magpies.
+
+Thus, seeing we are to fight Chitterlings, pursued Pantagruel, you infer
+thence that it is a culinary war, and have a mind to join with the cooks.
+Well, do as you please, I'll stay here in the meantime, and wait for the
+event of the rumpus.
+
+Friar John went that very moment among the sutlers, into the cooks' tents,
+and told them in a pleasing manner:  I must see you crowned with honour and
+triumph this day, my lads; to your arms are reserved such achievements as
+never yet were performed within the memory of man.  Ods-belly, do they make
+nothing of the valiant cooks?  Let us go fight yonder fornicating
+Chitterlings!  I'll be your captain.  But first let's drink, boys.  Come
+on! let us be of good cheer.  Noble captain, returned the kitchen tribe,
+this was spoken like yourself; bravely offered.  Huzza! we are all at your
+excellency's command, and we live and die by you.  Live, live, said Friar
+John, a God's name; but die by no means.  That is the Chitterlings' lot;
+they shall have their bellyful of it.  Come on then, let us put ourselves
+in order; Nabuzardan's the word.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XL.
+
+How Friar John fitted up the sow; and of the valiant cooks that went into
+it.
+
+Then, by Friar John's order, the engineers and their workmen fitted up the
+great sow that was in the ship Leathern Bottle.  It was a wonderful
+machine, so contrived that, by means of large engines that were round about
+it in rows, it throw'd forked iron bars and four-squared steel bolts; and
+in its hold two hundred men at least could easily fight, and be sheltered.
+It was made after the model of the sow of Riole, by the means of which
+Bergerac was retaken from the English in the reign of Charles the Sixth.
+
+Here are the names of the noble and valiant cooks who went into the sow, as
+the Greeks did into the Trojan horse:
+
+Sour-sauce.        Crisp-pig.         Carbonado.
+Sweet-meat.        Greasy-slouch.     Sop-in-pan.
+Greedy-gut.        Fat-gut.           Pick-fowl.
+Liquorice-chops.   Bray-mortar.       Mustard-pot.
+Soused-pork.       Lick-sauce.        Hog's-haslet.
+Slap-sauce.        Hog's-foot.        Chopped-phiz.
+Cock-broth.        Hodge-podge.       Gallimaufry.
+Slipslop.
+
+All these noble cooks in their coat-of-arms did bear, in a field gules, a
+larding-pin vert, charged with a chevron argent.
+
+Lard, hog's-lard.  Pinch-lard.        Snatch-lard.
+Nibble-lard.       Top-lard.          Gnaw-lard.
+Filch-lard.        Pick-lard.         Scrape-lard.
+Fat-lard.          Save-lard.         Chew-lard.
+
+Gaillard (by syncope) born near Rambouillet.  The said culinary doctor's
+name was Gaillardlard, in the same manner as you use to say idolatrous for
+idololatrous.
+
+Stiff-lard.        Cut-lard.          Waste-lard.
+Watch-lard.        Mince-lard.        Ogle-lard.
+Sweet-lard.        Dainty-lard.       Weigh-lard.
+Eat-lard.          Fresh-lard.        Gulch-lard.
+Snap-lard.         Rusty-lard.        Eye-lard.
+Catch-lard.
+
+Names unknown among the Marranes and Jews.
+
+Ballocky.          Thirsty.           Porridge-pot.
+Pick-sallat.       Kitchen-stuff.     Lick-dish.
+Broil-rasher.      Verjuice.          Salt-gullet.
+Coney-skin.        Save-dripping.     Snail-dresser.
+Dainty-chops.      Watercress.        Soup-monger.
+Pie-wright.        Scrape-turnip.     Brewis-belly.
+Pudding-pan.       Trivet.            Chine-picker.
+Toss-pot.          Monsieur Ragout.   Suck-gravy.
+Mustard-sauce.     Crack-pipkin.      Macaroon.
+Claret-sauce.      Scrape-pot.        Skewer-maker.
+Swill-broth.
+
+Smell-smock.  He was afterwards taken from the kitchen and removed to
+chamber-practice, for the service of the noble Cardinal Hunt-venison.
+
+Rot-roast.         Hog's gullet.      Fox-tail.
+Dish-clout.        Sirloin.           Fly-flap.
+Save-suet.         Spit-mutton.       Old Grizzle.
+Fire-fumbler.      Fritter-frier.     Ruff-belly.
+Pillicock.         Flesh-smith.       Saffron-sauce.
+Long-tool.         Cram-gut.          Strutting-tom.
+Prick-pride.       Tuzzy-mussy.       Slashed-snout.
+Prick-madam.       Jacket-liner.      Smutty-face.
+Pricket.           Guzzle-drink.
+
+Mondam, that first invented madam's sauce, and for that discovery was thus
+called in the Scotch-French dialect.
+
+Loblolly.          Sloven.            Trencher-man.
+Slabber-chops.     Swallow-pitcher.   Goodman Goosecap.
+Scum-pot.          Wafer-monger.      Munch-turnip.
+Gully-guts.        Snap-gobbet.       Pudding-bag.
+Rinse-pot.         Scurvy-phiz.       Pig-sticker.
+Drink-spiller.
+
+Robert.  He invented Robert's sauce, so good and necessary for roasted
+coneys, ducks, fresh pork, poached eggs, salt fish, and a thousand other
+such dishes.
+
+Cold-eel.          Frying-pan.        Big-snout.
+Thornback.         Man of dough.      Lick-finger.
+Gurnard.           Sauce-doctor.      Tit-bit.
+Grumbling-gut.     Waste-butter.      Sauce-box.
+Alms-scrip.        Shitbreech.        All-fours.
+Taste-all.         Thick-brawn.       Whimwham.
+Scrap-merchant.    Tom T--d.          Baste-roast.
+Belly-timberman.   Mouldy-crust.      Gaping-hoyden.
+Hashee.            Hasty.             Calf's-pluck.
+Frig-palate.       Red-herring.       Leather-breeches.
+Powdering-tub.     Cheesecake.
+
+All these noble cooks went into the sow, merry, cheery, hale, brisk, old
+dogs at mischief, and ready to fight stoutly.  Friar John ever and anon
+waving his huge scimitar, brought up the rear, and double-locked the doors
+on the inside.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLI.
+
+How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees.
+
+The Chitterlings advanced so near that Pantagruel perceived that they
+stretched their arms and already began to charge their lances, which caused
+him to send Gymnast to know what they meant, and why they thus, without the
+least provocation, came to fall upon their old trusty friends, who had
+neither said nor done the least ill thing to them.  Gymnast being advanced
+near their front, bowed very low, and said to them as loud as ever he
+could:  We are friends, we are friends; all, all of us your friends, yours,
+and at your command; we are for Carnival, your old confederate.  Some have
+since told me that he mistook, and said cavernal instead of carnival.
+
+Whatever it was, the word was no sooner out of his mouth but a huge little
+squab Sausage, starting out of the front of their main body, would have
+griped him by the collar.  By the helmet of Mars, said Gymnast, I will
+swallow thee; but thou shalt only come in in chips and slices; for, big as
+thou art, thou couldst never come in whole.  This spoke, he lugs out his
+trusty sword, Kiss-mine-arse (so he called it) with both his fists, and cut
+the Sausage in twain.  Bless me, how fat the foul thief was! it puts me in
+mind of the huge bull of Berne, that was slain at Marignan when the drunken
+Swiss were so mauled there.  Believe me, it had little less than four
+inches' lard on its paunch.
+
+The Sausage's job being done, a crowd of others flew upon Gymnast, and had
+most scurvily dragged him down when Pantagruel with his men came up to his
+relief.  Then began the martial fray, higgledy-piggledy.  Maul-chitterling
+did maul chitterlings; Cut-pudding did cut puddings; Pantagruel did break
+the Chitterlings at the knees; Friar John played at least in sight within
+his sow, viewing and observing all things; when the Pattipans that lay in
+ambuscade most furiously sallied out upon Pantagruel.
+
+Friar John, who lay snug all this while, by that time perceiving the rout
+and hurlyburly, set open the doors of his sow and sallied out with his
+merry Greeks, some of them armed with iron spits, others with andirons,
+racks, fire-shovels, frying-pans, kettles, grid-irons, oven forks, tongs,
+dripping pans, brooms, iron pots, mortars, pestles, all in battle array,
+like so many housebreakers, hallooing and roaring out all together most
+frightfully, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan.  Thus shouting and hooting
+they fought like dragons, and charged through the Pattipans and Sausages.
+The Chitterlings perceiving this fresh reinforcement, and that the others
+would be too hard for 'em, betook themselves to their heels, scampering off
+with full speed, as if the devil had come for them.  Friar John, with an
+iron crow, knocked them down as fast as hops; his men, too, were not
+sparing on their side.  Oh, what a woeful sight it was! the field was all
+over strewed with heaps of dead or wounded Chitterlings; and history
+relates that had not heaven had a hand in it, the Chitterling tribe had
+been totally routed out of the world by the culinary champions.  But there
+happened a wonderful thing, you may believe as little or as much of it as
+you please.
+
+From the north flew towards us a huge, fat, thick, grizzly swine, with long
+and large wings, like those of a windmill; its plumes red crimson, like
+those of a phenicoptere (which in Languedoc they call flaman); its eyes
+were red, and flaming like a carbuncle; its ears green, like a Prasin
+emerald; its teeth like a topaz; its tail long and black, like jet; its
+feet white, diaphanous and transparent like a diamond, somewhat broad, and
+of the splay kind, like those of geese, and as Queen Dick's used to be at
+Toulouse in the days of yore.  About its neck it wore a gold collar, round
+which were some Ionian characters, whereof I could pick out but two words,
+US ATHENAN, hog-teaching Minerva.
+
+The sky was clear before; but at that monster's appearance it changed so
+mightily for the worse that we were all amazed at it.  As soon as the
+Chitterlings perceived the flying hog, down they all threw their weapons
+and fell on their knees, lifting up their hands joined together, without
+speaking one word, in a posture of adoration.  Friar John and his party
+kept on mincing, felling, braining, mangling, and spitting the Chitterlings
+like mad; but Pantagruel sounded a retreat, and all hostility ceased.
+
+The monster having several times hovered backwards and forwards between the
+two armies, with a tail-shot voided above twenty-seven butts of mustard on
+the ground; then flew away through the air, crying all the while, Carnival,
+Carnival, Carnival.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLII.
+
+How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth, Queen of the Chitterlings.
+
+The monster being out of sight, and the two armies remaining silent,
+Pantagruel demanded a parley with the lady Niphleseth, Queen of the
+Chitterlings, who was in her chariot by the standards; and it was easily
+granted.  The queen alighted, courteously received Pantagruel, and was glad
+to see him.  Pantagruel complained to her of this breach of peace; but she
+civilly made her excuse, telling him that a false information had caused
+all this mischief; her spies having brought her word that Shrovetide, their
+mortal foe, was landed, and spent his time in examining the urine of
+physeters.
+
+She therefore entreated him to pardon them their offence, telling him that
+sir-reverence was sooner found in Chitterlings than gall; and offering, for
+herself and all her successors, to hold of him and his the whole island and
+country; to obey him in all his commands, be friends to his friends, and
+foes to his foes; and also to send every year, as an acknowledgment of
+their homage, a tribute of seventy-eight thousand royal Chitterlings, to
+serve him at his first course at table six months in the year; which was
+punctually performed.  For the next day she sent the aforesaid quantity of
+royal Chitterlings to the good Gargantua, under the conduct of young
+Niphleseth, infanta of the island.
+
+The good Gargantua made a present of them to the great King of Paris.  But
+by change of air, and for want of mustard (the natural balsam and restorer
+of Chitterlings), most of them died.  By the great king's particular grant
+they were buried in heaps in a part of Paris to this day called La Rue
+pavee d'Andouilles, the street paved with Chitterlings.  At the request of
+the ladies at his court young Niphleseth was preserved, honourably used,
+and since that married to heart's content; and was the mother of many
+children, for which heaven be praised.
+
+Pantagruel civilly thanked the queen, forgave all offences, refused the
+offer she had made of her country, and gave her a pretty little knife.
+After that he asked several nice questions concerning the apparition of
+that flying hog.  She answered that it was the idea of Carnival, their
+tutelary god in time of war, first founder and original of all the
+Chitterling race; for which reason he resembled a hog, for Chitterlings
+drew their extraction from hogs.
+
+Pantagruel asking to what purpose and curative indication he had voided so
+much mustard on the earth, the queen replied that mustard was their
+sanc-greal and celestial balsam, of which, laying but a little in the wounds
+of the fallen Chitterlings, in a very short time the wounded were healed and
+the dead restored to life.  Pantagruel held no further discourse with the
+queen, but retired a-shipboard.  The like did all the boon companions, with
+their implements of destruction and their huge sow.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLIII.
+
+How Pantagruel went into the island of Ruach.
+
+Two days after we arrived at the island of Ruach; and I swear to you, by
+the celestial hen and chickens, that I found the way of living of the
+people so strange and wonderful that I can't, for the heart's blood of me,
+half tell it you.  They live on nothing but wind, eat nothing but wind, and
+drink nothing but wind.  They have no other houses but weathercocks.  They
+sow no other seeds but the three sorts of windflowers, rue, and herbs that
+may make one break wind to the purpose; these scour them off carefully.
+The common sort of people to feed themselves make use of feather, paper, or
+linen fans, according to their abilities.  As for the rich, they live by
+the means of windmills.
+
+When they would have some noble treat, the tables are spread under one or
+two windmills.  There they feast as merry as beggars, and during the meal
+their whole talk is commonly of the goodness, excellency, salubrity, and
+rarity of winds; as you, jolly topers, in your cups philosophize and argue
+upon wines.  The one praises the south-east, the other the south-west; this
+the west and by south, and this the east and by north; another the west,
+and another the east; and so of the rest.  As for lovers and amorous
+sparks, no gale for them like a smock-gale.  For the sick they use bellows
+as we use clysters among us.
+
+Oh! said to me a little diminutive swollen bubble, that I had now but a
+bladderful of that same Languedoc wind which they call Cierce.  The famous
+physician, Scurron, passing one day by this country, was telling us that it
+is so strong that it will make nothing of overturning a loaded waggon.  Oh!
+what good would it not do my Oedipodic leg.  The biggest are not the best;
+but, said Panurge, rather would I had here a large butt of that same good
+Languedoc wine that grows at Mirevaux, Canteperdrix, and Frontignan.
+
+I saw a good likely sort of a man there, much resembling Ventrose, tearing
+and fuming in a grievous fret with a tall burly groom and a pimping little
+page of his, laying them on, like the devil, with a buskin.  Not knowing
+the cause of his anger, at first I thought that all this was by the
+doctor's advice, as being a thing very healthy to the master to be in a
+passion and to his man to be banged for it.  But at last I heard him taxing
+his man with stealing from him, like a rogue as he was, the better half of
+a large leathern bag of an excellent southerly wind, which he had carefully
+laid up, like a hidden reserve, against the cold weather.
+
+They neither exonerate, dung, piss, nor spit in that island; but, to make
+amends, they belch, fizzle, funk, and give tail-shots in abundance.  They
+are troubled with all manner of distempers; and, indeed, all distempers are
+engendered and proceed from ventosities, as Hippocrates demonstrates, lib.
+De Flatibus.  But the most epidemical among them is the wind-cholic.  The
+remedies which they use are large clysters, whereby they void store of
+windiness.  They all die of dropsies and tympanies, the men farting and the
+women fizzling; so that their soul takes her leave at the back-door.
+
+Some time after, walking in the island, we met three hairbrained airy
+fellows, who seemed mightily puffed up, and went to take their pastime and
+view the plovers, who live on the same diet as themselves, and abound in
+the island.  I observed that, as your true topers when they travel carry
+flasks, leathern bottles, and small runlets along with them, so each of
+them had at his girdle a pretty little pair of bellows.  If they happened
+to want wind, by the help of those pretty bellows they immediately drew
+some, fresh and cool, by attraction and reciprocal expulsion; for, as you
+well know, wind essentially defined is nothing but fluctuating and agitated
+air.
+
+A while after, we were commanded, in the king's name, not to receive for
+three hours any man or woman of the country on board our ships; some having
+stolen from him a rousing fart, of the very individual wind which old
+goodman Aeolus the snorer gave Ulysses to conduct his ship whenever it
+should happen to be becalmed.  Which fart the king kept religiously, like
+another sanc-greal, and performed a world of wonderful cures with it in
+many dangerous diseases, letting loose and distributing to the patient only
+as much of it as might frame a virginal fart; which is, if you must know,
+what our sanctimonials, alias nuns, in their dialect call ringing
+backwards.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLIV.
+
+How small rain lays a high wind.
+
+Pantagruel commended their government and way of living, and said to their
+hypenemian mayor:  If you approve Epicurus's opinion, placing the summum
+bonum in pleasure (I mean pleasure that's easy and free from toil), I
+esteem you happy; for your food being wind, costs you little or nothing,
+since you need but blow.  True, sir, returned the mayor; but, alas! nothing
+is perfect here below; for too often when we are at table, feeding on some
+good blessed wind of God as on celestial manna, merry as so many friars,
+down drops on a sudden some small rain, which lays our wind, and so robs us
+of it.  Thus many a meal's lost for want of meat.
+
+Just so, quoth Panurge, Jenin Toss-pot of Quinquenais, evacuating some wine
+of his own burning on his wife's posteriors, laid the ill-fumed wind that
+blowed out of their centre as out of some magisterial Aeolipile.  Here is a
+kind of a whim on that subject which I made formerly:
+
+  One evening when Toss-pot had been at his butts,
+  And Joan his fat spouse crammed with turnips her guts,
+  Together they pigged, nor did drink so besot him
+  But he did what was done when his daddy begot him.
+  Now when to recruit he'd fain have been snoring,
+  Joan's back-door was filthily puffing and roaring;
+  So for spite he bepissed her, and quickly did find
+  That a very small rain lays a very high wind.
+
+We are also plagued yearly with a very great calamity, cried the mayor; for
+a giant called Wide-nostrils, who lives in the island of Tohu, comes hither
+every spring to purge, by the advice of his physicians, and swallows us,
+like so many pills, a great number of windmills, and of bellows also, at
+which his mouth waters exceedingly.
+
+Now this is a sad mortification to us here, who are fain to fast over three
+or four whole Lents every year for this, besides certain petty Lents, ember
+weeks, and other orison and starving tides.  And have you no remedy for
+this? asked Pantagruel.  By the advice of our Mezarims, replied the mayor,
+about the time that he uses to give us a visit, we garrison our windmills
+with good store of cocks and hens.  The first time that the greedy thief
+swallowed them, they had like to have done his business at once; for they
+crowed and cackled in his maw, and fluttered up and down athwart and along
+in his stomach, which threw the glutton into a lipothymy cardiac passion
+and dreadful and dangerous convulsions, as if some serpent, creeping in at
+his mouth, had been frisking in his stomach.
+
+Here is a comparative as altogether incongruous and impertinent, cried
+Friar John, interrupting them; for I have formerly heard that if a serpent
+chance to get into a man's stomach it will not do him the least hurt, but
+will immediately get out if you do but hang the patient by the heels and
+lay a panful of warm milk near his mouth.  You were told this, said
+Pantagruel, and so were those who gave you this account; but none ever saw
+or read of such a cure.  On the contrary, Hippocrates, in his fifth book of
+Epidem, writes that such a case happening in his time the patient presently
+died of a spasm and convulsion.
+
+Besides the cocks and hens, said the mayor, continuing his story, all the
+foxes in the country whipped into Wide-nostril's mouth, posting after the
+poultry; which made such a stir with Reynard at their heels, that he
+grievously fell into fits each minute of an hour.
+
+At last, by the advice of a Baden enchanter, at the time of the paroxysm he
+used to flay a fox by way of antidote and counter-poison.  Since that he
+took better advice, and eases himself with taking a clyster made with a
+decoction of wheat and barley corns, and of livers of goslings; to the
+first of which the poultry run, and the foxes to the latter.  Besides, he
+swallows some of your badgers or fox-dogs by the way of pills and boluses.
+This is our misfortune.
+
+Cease to fear, good people, cried Pantagruel; this huge Wide-nostrils, this
+same swallower of windmills, is no more, I will assure you; he died, being
+stifled and choked with a lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven,
+by the advice of his physicians.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLV.
+
+How Pantagruel went ashore in the island of Pope-Figland.
+
+The next morning we arrived at the island of Pope-figs; formerly a rich and
+free people, called the Gaillardets, but now, alas! miserably poor, and
+under the yoke of the Papimen.  The occasion of it was this:
+
+On a certain yearly high holiday, the burgomaster, syndics, and topping
+rabbies of the Gaillardets chanced to go into the neighbouring island
+Papimany to see the festival and pass away the time.  Now one of them
+having espied the pope's picture (with the sight of which, according to a
+laudable custom, the people were blessed on high-offering holidays), made
+mouths at it, and cried, A fig for it! as a sign of manifest contempt and
+derision.  To be revenged of this affront, the Papimen, some days after,
+without giving the others the least warning, took arms, and surprised,
+destroyed, and ruined the whole island of the Gaillardets; putting the men
+to the sword, and sparing none but the women and children, and those too
+only on condition to do what the inhabitants of Milan were condemned to by
+the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa.
+
+These had rebelled against him in his absence, and ignominiously turned the
+empress out of the city, mounting her a-horseback on a mule called Thacor,
+with her breech foremost towards the old jaded mule's head, and her face
+turned towards the crupper.  Now Frederick being returned, mastered them,
+and caused so careful a search to be made that he found out and got the
+famous mule Thacor.  Then the hangman by his order clapped a fig into the
+mule's jimcrack, in the presence of the enslaved cits that were brought
+into the middle of the great market-place, and proclaimed in the emperor's
+name, with trumpets, that whosoever of them would save his own life should
+publicly pull the fig out with his teeth, and after that put it in again in
+the very individual cranny whence he had draw'd it without using his hands,
+and that whoever refused to do this should presently swing for it and die
+in his shoes.  Some sturdy fools, standing upon their punctilio, chose
+honourably to be hanged rather than submit to so shameful and abominable a
+disgrace; and others, less nice in point of ceremony, took heart of grace,
+and even resolved to have at the fig, and a fig for't, rather than make a
+worse figure with a hempen collar, and die in the air at so short warning.
+Accordingly, when they had neatly picked out the fig with their teeth from
+old Thacor's snatch-blatch, they plainly showed it the headsman, saying,
+Ecco lo fico, Behold the fig!
+
+By the same ignominy the rest of these poor distressed Gaillardets saved
+their bacon, becoming tributaries and slaves, and the name of Pope-figs was
+given them, because they said, A fig for the pope's image.  Since this, the
+poor wretches never prospered, but every year the devil was at their doors,
+and they were plagued with hail, storms, famine, and all manner of woes, as
+an everlasting punishment for the sin of their ancestors and relations.
+Perceiving the misery and calamity of that generation, we did not care to
+go further up into the country, contenting ourselves with going into a
+little chapel near the haven to take some holy water.  It was dilapidated
+and ruined, wanting also a cover--like Saint Peter at Rome.  When we were
+in, as we dipped our fingers in the sanctified cistern, we spied in the
+middle of that holy pickle a fellow muffled up with stoles, all under
+water, like a diving duck, except the tip of his snout to draw his breath.
+About him stood three priests, true shavelings, clean shorn and polled, who
+were muttering strange words to the devils out of a conjuring book.
+
+Pantagruel was not a little amazed at this, and inquiring what kind of
+sport these were at, was told that for three years last past the plague had
+so dreadfully raged in the island that the better half of it had been
+utterly depopulated, and the lands lay fallow and unoccupied.  Now, the
+mortality being over, this same fellow who had crept into the holy tub,
+having a large piece of ground, chanced to be sowing it with white winter
+wheat at the very minute of an hour that a kind of a silly sucking devil,
+who could not yet write or read, or hail and thunder, unless it were on
+parsley or coleworts, and got leave of his master Lucifer to go into this
+island of Pope-figs, where the devils were very familiar with the men and
+women, and often went to take their pastime.
+
+This same devil being got thither, directed his discourse to the
+husbandman, and asked him what he was doing.  The poor man told him that he
+was sowing the ground with corn to help him to subsist the next year.  Ay,
+but the ground is none of thine, Mr. Plough-jobber, cried the devil, but
+mine; for since the time that you mocked the pope all this land has been
+proscribed, adjudged, and abandoned to us.  However, to sow corn is not my
+province; therefore I will give thee leave to sow the field, that is to
+say, provided we share the profit.  I will, replied the farmer.  I mean,
+said the devil, that of what the land shall bear, two lots shall be made,
+one of what shall grow above ground, the other of what shall be covered
+with earth.  The right of choosing belongs to me; for I am a devil of noble
+and ancient race; thou art a base clown.  I therefore choose what shall lie
+under ground, take thou what shall be above.  When dost thou reckon to
+reap, hah?  About the middle of July, quoth the farmer.  Well, said the
+devil, I'll not fail thee then; in the meantime, slave as thou oughtest.
+Work, clown, work.  I am going to tempt to the pleasing sin of whoring the
+nuns of Dryfart, the sham saints of the cowl, and the gluttonish crew.  I
+am more than sure of these.  They need but meet, and the job is done; true
+fire and tinder, touch and take; down falls nun, and up gets friar.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLVI.
+
+How a junior devil was fooled by a husbandman of Pope-Figland.
+
+In the middle of July the devil came to the place aforesaid with all his
+crew at his heels, a whole choir of the younger fry of hell; and having met
+the farmer, said to him, Well, clodpate, how hast thou done since I went?
+Thou and I must share the concern.  Ay, master devil, quoth the clown; it
+is but reason we should.  Then he and his men began to cut and reap the
+corn; and, on the other side, the devil's imps fell to work, grubbing up
+and pulling out the stubble by the root.
+
+The countryman had his corn thrashed, winnowed it, put in into sacks, and
+went with it to market.  The same did the devil's servants, and sat them
+down there by the man to sell their straw.  The countryman sold off his
+corn at a good rate, and with the money filled an old kind of a demi-buskin
+which was fastened to his girdle.  But the devil a sou the devils took; far
+from taking handsel, they were flouted and jeered by the country louts.
+
+Market being over, quoth the devil to the farmer, Well, clown, thou hast
+choused me once, it is thy fault; chouse me twice, 'twill be mine.  Nay,
+good sir devil, replied the farmer; how can I be said to have choused you,
+since it was your worship that chose first?  The truth is, that by this
+trick you thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing would spring out of the
+earth for my share, and that you should find whole underground the corn
+which I had sowed, and with it tempt the poor and needy, the close
+hypocrite, or the covetous griper; thus making them fall into your snares.
+But troth, you must e'en go to school yet; you are no conjurer, for aught I
+see; for the corn that was sow'd is dead and rotten, its corruption having
+caused the generation of that which you saw me sell.  So you chose the
+worst, and therefore are cursed in the gospel.  Well, talk no more of it,
+quoth the devil; what canst thou sow our field with for next year?  If a
+man would make the best of it, answered the ploughman, 'twere fit he sow it
+with radish.  Now, cried the devil, thou talkest like an honest fellow,
+bumpkin.  Well, sow me good store of radish, I'll see and keep them safe
+from storms, and will not hail a bit on them.  But hark ye me, this time I
+bespeak for my share what shall be above ground; what's under shall be
+thine.  Drudge on, looby, drudge on.  I am going to tempt heretics; their
+souls are dainty victuals when broiled in rashers and well powdered.  My
+Lord Lucifer has the griping in the guts; they'll make a dainty warm dish
+for his honour's maw.
+
+When the season of radishes was come, our devil failed not to meet in the
+field, with a train of rascally underlings, all waiting devils, and finding
+there the farmer and his men, he began to cut and gather the leaves of the
+radishes.  After him the farmer with his spade dug up the radishes, and
+clapped them up into pouches.  This done, the devil, the farmer, and their
+gangs, hied them to market, and there the farmer presently made good money
+of his radishes; but the poor devil took nothing; nay, what was worse, he
+was made a common laughing-stock by the gaping hoidens.  I see thou hast
+played me a scurvy trick, thou villainous fellow, cried the angry devil; at
+last I am fully resolved even to make an end of the business betwixt thee
+and myself about the ground, and these shall be the terms:  we will
+clapperclaw each other, and whoever of us two shall first cry Hold, shall
+quit his share of the field, which shall wholly belong to the conqueror.  I
+fix the time for this trial of skill on this day seven-night; assure
+thyself that I'll claw thee off like a devil.  I was going to tempt your
+fornicators, bailiffs, perplexers of causes, scriveners, forgers of deeds,
+two-handed counsellors, prevaricating solicitors, and other such vermin;
+but they were so civil as to send me word by an interpreter that they are
+all mine already.  Besides, our master Lucifer is so cloyed with their
+souls that he often sends them back to the smutty scullions and slovenly
+devils of his kitchen, and they scarce go down with them, unless now and
+then, when they are high-seasoned.
+
+Some say there is no breakfast like a student's, no dinner like a lawyer's,
+no afternoon's nunchion like a vine-dresser's, no supper like a
+tradesman's, no second supper like a serving-wench's, and none of these
+meals equal to a frockified hobgoblin's.  All this is true enough.
+Accordingly, at my Lord Lucifer's first course, hobgoblins, alias imps in
+cowls, are a standing dish.  He willingly used to breakfast on students;
+but, alas!  I do not know by what ill luck they have of late years joined
+the Holy Bible to their studies; so the devil a one we can get down among
+us; and I verily believe that unless the hypocrites of the tribe of Levi
+help us in it, taking from the enlightened book-mongers their St. Paul,
+either by threats, revilings, force, violence, fire, and faggot, we shall
+not be able to hook in any more of them to nibble at below.  He dines
+commonly on counsellors, mischief-mongers, multipliers of lawsuits, such as
+wrest and pervert right and law and grind and fleece the poor; he never
+fears to want any of these.  But who can endure to be wedded to a dish?
+
+He said t'other day, at a full chapter, that he had a great mind to eat the
+soul of one of the fraternity of the cowl that had forgot to speak for
+himself in his sermon, and he promised double pay and a large pension to
+anyone that should bring him such a titbit piping hot.  We all went
+a-hunting after such a rarity, but came home without the prey; for they all
+admonish the good women to remember their convent.  As for afternoon
+nunchions, he has left them off since he was so woefully griped with the
+colic; his fosterers, sutlers, charcoal-men, and boiling cooks having been
+sadly mauled and peppered off in the northern countries.
+
+His high devilship sups very well on tradesmen, usurers, apothecaries,
+cheats, coiners, and adulterers of wares.  Now and then, when he is on the
+merry pin, his second supper is of serving-wenches who, after they have by
+stealth soaked their faces with their master's good liquor, fill up the
+vessel with it at second hand, or with other stinking water.
+
+Well, drudge on, boor, drudge on; I am going to tempt the students of
+Trebisonde to leave father and mother, forego for ever the established and
+common rule of living, disclaim and free themselves from obeying their
+lawful sovereign's edicts, live in absolute liberty, proudly despise
+everyone, laugh at all mankind, and taking the fine jovial little cap of
+poetic licence, become so many pretty hobgoblins.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLVII.
+
+How the devil was deceived by an old woman of Pope-Figland.
+
+The country lob trudged home very much concerned and thoughtful, you may
+swear; insomuch that his good woman, seeing him thus look moping, weened
+that something had been stolen from him at market; but when she had heard
+the cause of his affliction and seen his budget well lined with coin, she
+bade him be of good cheer, assuring him that he would be never the worse
+for the scratching bout in question; wishing him only to leave her to
+manage that business, and not trouble his head about it; for she had
+already contrived how to bring him off cleverly.  Let the worst come to the
+worst, said the husbandman, it will be but a scratch; for I'll yield at the
+first stroke, and quit the field.  Quit a fart, replied the wife; he shall
+have none of the field.  Rely upon me, and be quiet; let me alone to deal
+with him.  You say he is a pimping little devil, that is enough; I will
+soon make him give up the field, I will warrant you.  Indeed, had he been a
+great devil, it had been somewhat.
+
+The day that we landed in the island happened to be that which the devil
+had fixed for the combat.  Now the countryman having, like a good Catholic,
+very fairly confessed himself, and received betimes in the morning, by the
+advice of the vicar had hid himself, all but the snout, in the holy-water
+pot, in the posture in which we found him; and just as they were telling us
+this story, news came that the old woman had fooled the devil and gained
+the field.  You may not be sorry, perhaps, to hear how this happened.
+
+The devil, you must know, came to the poor man's door, and rapping there,
+cried, So ho! ho, the house! ho, clodpate! where art thou?  Come out with a
+vengeance; come out with a wannion; come out and be damned; now for
+clawing.  Then briskly and resolutely entering the house, and not finding
+the countryman there, he spied his wife lying on the ground, piteously
+weeping and howling.  What is the matter? asked the devil.  Where is he?
+what does he?  Oh! that I knew where he is, replied threescore and five;
+the wicked rogue, the butcherly dog, the murderer!  He has spoiled me; I am
+undone; I die of what he has done me.  How, cried the devil, what is it?
+I'll tickle him off for you by-and-by.  Alas! cried the old dissembler, he
+told me, the butcher, the tyrant, the tearer of devils told me that he had
+made a match to scratch with you this day, and to try his claws he did but
+just touch me with his little finger here betwixt the legs, and has spoiled
+me for ever.  Oh! I am a dead woman; I shall never be myself again; do but
+see!  Nay, and besides, he talked of going to the smith's to have his
+pounces sharpened and pointed.  Alas! you are undone, Mr. Devil; good sir,
+scamper quickly, I am sure he won't stay; save yourself, I beseech you.
+While she said this she uncovered herself up to the chin, after the manner
+in which the Persian women met their children who fled from the fight, and
+plainly showed her what do ye call them.  The frightened devil, seeing the
+enormous solution of the continuity in all its dimensions, blessed himself,
+and cried out, Mahon, Demiourgon, Megaera, Alecto, Persephone! 'slife,
+catch me here when he comes!  I am gone! 'sdeath, what a gash!  I resign
+him the field.
+
+Having heard the catastrophe of the story, we retired a-shipboard, not
+being willing to stay there any longer.  Pantagruel gave to the poor's box
+of the fabric of the church eighteen thousand good royals, in commiseration
+of the poverty of the people and the calamity of the place.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLVIII.
+
+How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Papimany.
+
+Having left the desolate island of the Pope-figs, we sailed for the space
+of a day very fairly and merrily, and made the blessed island of Papimany.
+As soon as we had dropt anchor in the road, before we had well moored our
+ship with ground-tackle, four persons in different garbs rowed towards us
+in a skiff.  One of them was dressed like a monk in his frock,
+draggle-tailed, and booted; the other like a falconer, with a lure, and a
+long-winged hawk on his fist; the third like a solicitor, with a large bag,
+full of informations, subpoenas, breviates, bills, writs, cases, and other
+implements of pettifogging; the fourth looked like one of your vine-barbers
+about Ocleans, with a jaunty pair of canvas trousers, a dosser, and a
+pruning knife at his girdle.
+
+As soon as the boat had clapped them on board, they all with one voice
+asked, Have you seen him, good passengers, have you seen him?  Who? asked
+Pantagruel.  You know who, answered they.  Who is it? asked Friar John.
+'Sblood and 'ounds, I'll thrash him thick and threefold.  This he said
+thinking that they inquired after some robber, murderer, or church-breaker.
+Oh, wonderful! cried the four; do not you foreign people know the one?
+Sirs, replied Epistemon, we do not understand those terms; but if you will
+be pleased to let us know who you mean, we will tell you the truth of the
+matter without any more ado.  We mean, said they, he that is.  Did you ever
+see him?  He that is, returned Pantagruel, according to our theological
+doctrine, is God, who said to Moses, I am that I am.  We never saw him, nor
+can he be beheld by mortal eyes.  We mean nothing less than that supreme
+God who rules in heaven, replied they; we mean the god on earth.  Did you
+ever see him?  Upon my honour, replied Carpalin, they mean the pope.  Ay,
+ay, answered Panurge; yea, verily, gentlemen, I have seen three of them,
+whose sight has not much bettered me.  How! cried they, our sacred
+decretals inform us that there never is more than one living.  I mean
+successively, one after the other, returned Panurge; otherwise I never saw
+more than one at a time.
+
+O thrice and four times happy people! cried they; you are welcome, and more
+than double welcome!  They then kneeled down before us and would have
+kissed our feet, but we would not suffer it, telling them that should the
+pope come thither in his own person, 'tis all they could do to him.  No,
+certainly, answered they, for we have already resolved upon the matter.  We
+would kiss his bare arse without boggling at it, and eke his two pounders;
+for he has a pair of them, the holy father, that he has; we find it so by
+our fine decretals, otherwise he could not be pope.  So that, according to
+our subtle decretaline philosophy, this is a necessary consequence:  he is
+pope; therefore he has genitories, and should genitories no more be found
+in the world, the world could no more have a pope.
+
+While they were talking thus, Pantagruel inquired of one of the coxswain's
+crew who those persons were.  He answered that they were the four estates
+of the island, and added that we should be made as welcome as princes,
+since we had seen the pope.  Panurge having been acquainted with this by
+Pantagruel, said to him in his ear, I swear and vow, sir, 'tis even so; he
+that has patience may compass anything.  Seeing the pope had done us no
+good; now, in the devil's name, 'twill do us a great deal.  We then went
+ashore, and the whole country, men, women, and children, came to meet us as
+in a solemn procession.  Our four estates cried out to them with a loud
+voice, They have seen him! they have seen him! they have seen him!  That
+proclamation being made, all the mob kneeled before us, lifting up their
+hands towards heaven, and crying, O happy men!  O most happy! and this
+acclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour.
+
+Then came the Busby (!) of the place, with all his pedagogues, ushers, and
+schoolboys, whom he magisterially flogged, as they used to whip children in
+our country formerly when some criminal was hanged, that they might
+remember it.  This displeased Pantagruel, who said to them, Gentlemen, if
+you do not leave off whipping these poor children, I am gone.  The people
+were amazed, hearing his stentorian voice; and I saw a little hump with
+long fingers say to the hypodidascal, What, in the name of wonder! do all
+those that see the pope grow as tall as yon huge fellow that threatens us?
+Ah! how I shall think time long till I have seen him too, that I may grow
+and look as big.  In short, the acclamations were so great that Homenas (so
+they called their bishop) hastened thither on an unbridled mule with green
+trappings, attended by his apposts (as they said) and his supposts, or
+officers bearing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches, holy-water
+pots, &c.  He too wanted to kiss our feet (as the good Christian Valfinier
+did to Pope Clement), saying that one of their hypothetes, that's one of
+the scavengers, scourers, and commentators of their holy decretals, had
+written that, in the same manner as the Messiah, so long and so much
+expected by the Jews, at last appeared among them; so, on some happy day of
+God, the pope would come into that island; and that, while they waited for
+that blessed time, if any who had seen him at Rome or elsewhere chanced to
+come among them, they should be sure to make much of them, feast them
+plentifully, and treat them with a great deal of reverence.  However, we
+civilly desired to be excused.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.XLIX.
+
+How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, showed us the Uranopet decretals.
+
+Homenas then said to us:  'Tis enjoined us by our holy decretals to visit
+churches first and taverns after.  Therefore, not to decline that fine
+institution, let us go to church; we will afterwards go and feast
+ourselves.  Man of God, quoth Friar John, do you go before, we'll follow
+you.  You spoke in the matter properly, and like a good Christian; 'tis
+long since we saw any such.  For my part, this rejoices my mind very much,
+and I verily believe that I shall have the better stomach after it.  Well,
+'tis a happy thing to meet with good men!  Being come near the gate of the
+church, we spied a huge thick book, gilt, and covered all over with
+precious stones, as rubies, emeralds, (diamonds,) and pearls, more, or at
+least as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to Jupiter
+Capitolinus.  This book hanged in the air, being fastened with two thick
+chains of gold to the zoophore of the porch.  We looked on it and admired
+it.  As for Pantagruel, he handled it and dandled it and turned it as he
+pleased, for he could reach it without straining; and he protested that
+whenever he touched it, he was seized with a pleasant tickling at his
+fingers' end, new life and activity in his arms, and a violent temptation
+in his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or such officers, provided they
+were not of the shaveling kind.  Homenas then said to us, The law was
+formerly given to the Jews by Moses, written by God himself.  At Delphos,
+before the portal of Apollo's temple, this sentence, GNOTHI SEAUTON, was
+found written with a divine hand.  And some time after it, EI was also
+seen, and as divinely written and transmitted from heaven. Cybele's image
+was brought out of heaven, into a field called Pessinunt, in Phrygia; so
+was that of Diana to Tauris, if you will believe Euripides; the oriflamme,
+or holy standard, was transmitted out of heaven to the noble and most
+Christian kings of France, to fight against the unbelievers.  In the reign
+of Numa Pompilius, second King of the Romans, the famous copper buckler
+called Ancile was seen to descend from heaven.  At Acropolis, near Athens,
+Minerva's statue formerly fell from the empyreal heaven.  In like manner
+the sacred decretals which you see were written with the hand of an angel
+of the cherubim kind.  You outlandish people will hardly believe this, I
+fear.  Little enough, of conscience, said Panurge.  And then, continued
+Homenas, they were miraculously transmitted to us here from the very heaven
+of heavens; in the same manner as the river Nile is called Diipetes by
+Homer, the father of all philosophy--the holy decretals always excepted.
+Now, because you have seen the pope, their evangelist and everlasting
+protector, we will give you leave to see and kiss them on the inside, if
+you think meet.  But then you must fast three days before, and canonically
+confess; nicely and strictly mustering up and inventorizing your sins,
+great and small, so thick that one single circumstance of them may not
+escape you; as our holy decretals, which you see, direct.  This will take
+up some time.  Man of God, answered Panurge, we have seen and descried
+decrees, and eke decretals enough o' conscience; some on paper, other on
+parchment, fine and gay like any painted paper lantern, some on vellum,
+some in manuscript, and others in print; so you need not take half these
+pains to show us these.  We'll take the goodwill for the deed, and thank
+you as much as if we had.  Ay, marry, said Homenas, but you never saw these
+that are angelically written.  Those in your country are only transcripts
+from ours; as we find it written by one of our old decretaline scholiasts.
+For me, do not spare me; I do not value the labour, so I may serve you.  Do
+but tell me whether you will be confessed and fast only three short little
+days of God?  As for shriving, answered Panurge, there can be no great harm
+in't; but this same fasting, master of mine, will hardly down with us at
+this time, for we have so very much overfasted ourselves at sea that the
+spiders have spun their cobwebs over our grinders.  Do but look on this
+good Friar John des Entomeures (Homenas then courteously demi-clipped him
+about the neck), some moss is growing in his throat for want of bestirring
+and exercising his chaps.  He speaks the truth, vouched Friar John; I have
+so much fasted that I'm almost grown hump-shouldered.  Come, then, let's go
+into the church, said Homenas; and pray forgive us if for the present we do
+not sing you a fine high mass.  The hour of midday is past, and after it
+our sacred decretals forbid us to sing mass, I mean your high and lawful
+mass.  But I'll say a low and dry one for you.  I had rather have one
+moistened with some good Anjou wine, cried Panurge; fall to, fall to your
+low mass, and despatch.  Ods-bodikins, quoth Friar John, it frets me to the
+guts that I must have an empty stomach at this time of day; for, had I
+eaten a good breakfast and fed like a monk, if he should chance to sing us
+the Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, I had then brought thither bread and
+wine for the traits passes (those that are gone before).  Well, patience;
+pull away, and save tide; short and sweet, I pray you, and this for a
+cause.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.L.
+
+How Homenas showed us the archetype, or representation of a pope.
+
+Mass being mumbled over, Homenas took a huge bundle of keys out of a trunk
+near the head altar, and put thirty-two of them into so many keyholes; put
+back so many springs; then with fourteen more mastered so many padlocks,
+and at last opened an iron window strongly barred above the said altar.
+This being done, in token of great mystery he covered himself with wet
+sackcloth, and drawing a curtain of crimson satin, showed us an image
+daubed over, coarsely enough, to my thinking; then he touched it with a
+pretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part of the stick that had
+touched the image.  After this he said unto us, What think you of this
+image?  It is the likeness of a pope, answered Pantagruel; I know it by the
+triple crown, his furred amice, his rochet, and his slipper.  You are in
+the right, said Homenas; it is the idea of that same good god on earth
+whose coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one day to see in this
+country.  O happy, wished-for, and much-expected day! and happy, most happy
+you, whose propitious stars have so favoured you as to let you see the
+living and real face of this good god on earth! by the single sight of
+whose picture we obtain full remission of all the sins which we remember
+that we have committed, as also a third part and eighteen quarantaines of
+the sins which we have forgot; and indeed we only see it on high annual
+holidays.
+
+This caused Pantagruel to say that it was a work like those which Daedalus
+used to make, since, though it were deformed and ill drawn, nevertheless
+some divine energy, in point of pardons, lay hid and concealed in it.
+Thus, said Friar John, at Seuille, the rascally beggars being one evening
+on a solemn holiday at supper in the spital, one bragged of having got six
+blancs, or twopence halfpenny; another eight liards, or twopence; a third,
+seven caroluses, or sixpence; but an old mumper made his vaunts of having
+got three testons, or five shillings.  Ah, but, cried his comrades, thou
+hast a leg of God; as if, continued Friar John, some divine virtue could
+lie hid in a stinking ulcerated rotten shank.  Pray, said Pantagruel, when
+you are for telling us some such nauseous tale, be so kind as not to forget
+to provide a basin, Friar John; I'll assure you, I had much ado to forbear
+bringing up my breakfast.  Fie! I wonder a man of your coat is not ashamed
+to use thus the sacred name of God in speaking of things so filthy and
+abominable! fie, I say.  If among your monking tribes such an abuse of
+words is allowed, I beseech you leave it there, and do not let it come out
+of the cloisters.  Physicians, said Epistemon, thus attribute a kind of
+divinity to some diseases.  Nero also extolled mushrooms, and, in a Greek
+proverb, termed them divine food, because with them he had poisoned
+Claudius his predecessor.  But methinks, gentlemen, this same picture is
+not over-like our late popes.  For I have seen them, not with their
+pallium, amice, or rochet on, but with helmets on their heads, more like
+the top of a Persian turban; and while the Christian commonwealth was in
+peace, they alone were most furiously and cruelly making war.  This must
+have been then, returned Homenas, against the rebellious, heretical
+Protestants; reprobates who are disobedient to the holiness of this good
+god on earth.  'Tis not only lawful for him to do so, but it is enjoined
+him by the sacred decretals; and if any dare transgress one single iota
+against their commands, whether they be emperors, kings, dukes, princes, or
+commonwealths, he is immediately to pursue them with fire and sword, strip
+them of all their goods, take their kingdoms from them, proscribe them,
+anathematize them, and destroy not only their bodies, those of their
+children, relations, and others, but damn also their souls to the very
+bottom of the most hot and burning cauldron in hell.  Here, in the devil's
+name, said Panurge, the people are no heretics; such as was our
+Raminagrobis, and as they are in Germany and England.  You are Christians
+of the best edition, all picked and culled, for aught I see.  Ay, marry are
+we, returned Homenas, and for that reason we shall all be saved.  Now let
+us go and bless ourselves with holy water, and then to dinner.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LI.
+
+Table-talk in praise of the decretals.
+
+Now, topers, pray observe that while Homenas was saying his dry mass, three
+collectors, or licensed beggars of the church, each of them with a large
+basin, went round among the people, with a loud voice:  Pray remember the
+blessed men who have seen his face.  As we came out of the temple they
+brought their basins brimful of Papimany chink to Homenas, who told us that
+it was plentifully to feast with; and that, of this contribution and
+voluntary tax, one part should be laid out in good drinking, another in
+good eating, and the remainder in both, according to an admirable
+exposition hidden in a corner of their holy decretals; which was performed
+to a T, and that at a noted tavern not much unlike that of Will's at
+Amiens.  Believe me, we tickled it off there with copious cramming and
+numerous swilling.
+
+I made two notable observations at that dinner:  the one, that there was
+not one dish served up, whether of cabrittas, capons, hogs (of which latter
+there is great plenty in Papimany), pigeons, coneys, leverets, turkeys, or
+others, without abundance of magistral stuff; the other, that every course,
+and the fruit also, were served up by unmarried females of the place, tight
+lasses, I'll assure you, waggish, fair, good-conditioned, and comely,
+spruce, and fit for business.  They were all clad in fine long white albs,
+with two girts; their hair interwoven with narrow tape and purple ribbon,
+stuck with roses, gillyflowers, marjoram, daffadowndillies, thyme, and
+other sweet flowers.
+
+At every cadence they invited us to drink and bang it about, dropping us
+neat and genteel courtesies; nor was the sight of them unwelcome to all the
+company; and as for Friar John, he leered on them sideways, like a cur that
+steals a capon.  When the first course was taken off, the females
+melodiously sung us an epode in the praise of the sacrosanct decretals; and
+then the second course being served up, Homenas, joyful and cheery, said to
+one of the she-butlers, Light here, Clerica.  Immediately one of the girls
+brought him a tall-boy brimful of extravagant wine.  He took fast hold of
+it, and fetching a deep sigh, said to Pantagruel, My lord, and you, my good
+friends, here's t'ye, with all my heart; you are all very welcome.  When he
+had tipped that off, and given the tall-boy to the pretty creature, he
+lifted up his voice and said, O most holy decretals, how good is good wine
+found through your means!  This is the best jest we have had yet, observed
+Panurge.  But it would still be a better, said Pantagruel, if they could
+turn bad wine into good.
+
+O seraphic Sextum! continued Homenas, how necessary are you not to the
+salvation of poor mortals!  O cherubic Clementinae! how perfectly the
+perfect institution of a true Christian is contained and described in you!
+O angelical Extravagantes! how many poor souls that wander up and down in
+mortal bodies through this vale of misery would perish were it not for you!
+When, ah! when shall this special gift of grace be bestowed on mankind, as
+to lay aside all other studies and concerns, to use you, to peruse you, to
+understand you, to know you by heart, to practise you, to incorporate you,
+to turn you into blood, and incentre you into the deepest ventricles of
+their brains, the inmost marrow of their bones, and most intricate
+labyrinth of their arteries?  Then, ah! then, and no sooner than then, nor
+otherwise than thus, shall the world be happy!  While the old man was thus
+running on, Epistemon rose and softly said to Panurge:  For want of a
+close-stool, I must even leave you for a moment or two; this stuff has
+unbunged the orifice of my mustard-barrel; but I'll not tarry long.
+
+Then, ah! then, continued Homenas, no hail, frost, ice, snow, overflowing,
+or vis major; then plenty of all earthly goods here below.  Then
+uninterrupted and eternal peace through the universe, an end of all wars,
+plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, assassinates, unless it be to destroy
+these cursed rebels the heretics.  Oh! then, rejoicing, cheerfulness,
+jollity, solace, sports, and delicious pleasures, over the face of the
+earth.  Oh! what great learning, inestimable erudition, and god-like
+precepts are knit, linked, rivetted, and mortised in the divine chapters of
+these eternal decretals!
+
+Oh! how wonderfully, if you read but one demi-canon, short paragraph, or
+single observation of these sacrosanct decretals, how wonderfully, I say,
+do you not perceive to kindle in your hearts a furnace of divine love,
+charity towards your neighbour (provided he be no heretic), bold contempt
+of all casual and sublunary things, firm content in all your affections,
+and ecstatic elevation of soul even to the third heaven.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LII.
+
+A continuation of the miracles caused by the decretals.
+
+Wisely, brother Timothy, quoth Panurge, did am, did am; he says blew; but,
+for my part, I believe as little of it as I can.  For one day by chance I
+happened to read a chapter of them at Poictiers, at the most
+decretalipotent Scotch doctor's, and old Nick turn me into bumfodder, if
+this did not make me so hide-bound and costive, that for four or five days
+I hardly scumbered one poor butt of sir-reverence; and that, too, was full
+as dry and hard, I protest, as Catullus tells us were those of his
+neighbour Furius:
+
+  Nec toto decies cacas in anno,
+  Atque id durius est faba, et lapillis:
+  Quod tu si manibus teras, fricesque,
+  Non unquam digitum inquinare posses.
+
+Oh, ho! cried Homenas; by'r lady, it may be you were then in the state of
+mortal sin, my friend.  Well turned, cried Panurge; this was a new strain,
+egad.
+
+One day, said Friar John, at Seuille, I had applied to my posteriors, by
+way of hind-towel, a leaf of an old Clementinae which our rent-gatherer,
+John Guimard, had thrown out into the green of our cloister.  Now the devil
+broil me like a black pudding, if I wasn't so abominably plagued with
+chaps, chawns, and piles at the fundament, that the orifice of my poor
+nockandroe was in a most woeful pickle for I don't know how long.  By'r our
+lady, cried Homenas, it was a plain punishment of God for the sin that you
+had committed in beraying that sacred book, which you ought rather to have
+kissed and adored; I say with an adoration of latria, or of hyperdulia at
+least.  The Panormitan never told a lie in the matter.
+
+Saith Ponocrates:  At Montpelier, John Chouart having bought of the monks
+of St. Olary a delicate set of decretals, written on fine large parchment
+of Lamballe, to beat gold between the leaves, not so much as a piece that
+was beaten in them came to good, but all were dilacerated and spoiled.
+Mark this! cried Homenas; 'twas a divine punishment and vengeance.
+
+At Mans, said Eudemon, Francis Cornu, apothecary, had turned an old set of
+Extravagantes into waste paper.  May I never stir, if whatever was lapped
+up in them was not immediately corrupted, rotten, and spoiled; incense,
+pepper, cloves, cinnamon, saffron, wax, cassia, rhubarb, tamarinds, all
+drugs and spices, were lost without exception.  Mark, mark, quoth Homenas,
+an effect of divine justice!  This comes of putting the sacred Scriptures
+to such profane uses.
+
+At Paris, said Carpalin, Snip Groignet the tailor had turned an old
+Clementinae into patterns and measures, and all the clothes that were cut
+on them were utterly spoiled and lost; gowns, hoods, cloaks, cassocks,
+jerkins, jackets, waistcoats, capes, doublets, petticoats, corps de robes,
+farthingales, and so forth.  Snip, thinking to cut a hood, would cut you
+out a codpiece; instead of a cassock he would make you a high-crowned hat;
+for a waistcoat he'd shape you out a rochet; on the pattern of a doublet
+he'd make you a thing like a frying-pan.  Then his journeymen having
+stitched it up did jag it and pink it at the bottom, and so it looked like
+a pan to fry chestnuts.  Instead of a cape he made a buskin; for a
+farthingale he shaped a montero cap; and thinking to make a cloak, he'd cut
+out a pair of your big out-strouting Swiss breeches, with panes like the
+outside of a tabor.  Insomuch that Snip was condemned to make good the
+stuffs to all his customers; and to this day poor Cabbage's hair grows
+through his hood and his arse through his pocket-holes.  Mark, an effect of
+heavenly wrath and vengeance! cried Homenas.
+
+At Cahusac, said Gymnast, a match being made by the lords of Estissac and
+Viscount Lausun to shoot at a mark, Perotou had taken to pieces a set of
+decretals and set one of the leaves for the white to shoot at.  Now I sell,
+nay, I give and bequeath for ever and aye, the mould of my doublet to
+fifteen hundred hampers full of black devils, if ever any archer in the
+country (though they are singular marksmen in Guienne) could hit the white.
+Not the least bit of the holy scribble was contaminated or touched; nay,
+and Sansornin the elder, who held stakes, swore to us, figues dioures, hard
+figs (his greatest oath), that he had openly, visibly, and manifestly seen
+the bolt of Carquelin moving right to the round circle in the middle of the
+white; and that just on the point, when it was going to hit and enter, it
+had gone aside above seven foot and four inches wide of it towards the
+bakehouse.
+
+Miracle! cried Homenas, miracle! miracle!  Clerica, come wench, light,
+light here.  Here's to you all, gentlemen; I vow you seem to me very sound
+Christians.  While he said this, the maidens began to snicker at his elbow,
+grinning, giggling, and twittering among themselves.  Friar John began to
+paw, neigh, and whinny at the snout's end, as one ready to leap, or at
+least to play the ass, and get up and ride tantivy to the devil like a
+beggar on horseback.
+
+Methinks, said Pantagruel, a man might have been more out of danger near
+the white of which Gymnast spoke than was formerly Diogenes near another.
+How is that? asked Homenas; what was it?  Was he one of our decretalists?
+Rarely fallen in again, egad, said Epistemon, returning from stool; I see
+he will hook his decretals in, though by the head and shoulders.
+
+Diogenes, said Pantagruel, one day for pastime went to see some archers
+that shot at butts, one of whom was so unskilful, that when it was his turn
+to shoot all the bystanders went aside, lest he should mistake them for the
+mark.  Diogenes had seen him shoot extremely wide of it; so when the other
+was taking aim a second time, and the people removed at a great distance to
+the right and left of the white, he placed himself close by the mark,
+holding that place to be the safest, and that so bad an archer would
+certainly rather hit any other.
+
+One of the Lord d'Estissac's pages at last found out the charm, pursued
+Gymnast, and by his advice Perotou put in another white made up of some
+papers of Pouillac's lawsuit, and then everyone shot cleverly.
+
+At Landerousse, said Rhizotome, at John Delif's wedding were very great
+doings, as 'twas then the custom of the country.  After supper several
+farces, interludes, and comical scenes were acted; they had also several
+morris-dancers with bells and tabors, and divers sorts of masks and mummers
+were let in.  My schoolfellows and I, to grace the festival to the best of
+our power (for fine white and purple liveries had been given to all of us
+in the morning), contrived a merry mask with store of cockle-shells, shells
+of snails, periwinkles, and such other.  Then for want of cuckoo-pint, or
+priest-pintle, lousebur, clote, and paper, we made ourselves false faces
+with the leaves of an old Sextum that had been thrown by and lay there for
+anyone that would take it up, cutting out holes for the eyes, nose, and
+mouth.  Now, did you ever hear the like since you were born?  When we had
+played our little boyish antic tricks, and came to take off our sham faces,
+we appeared more hideous and ugly than the little devils that acted the
+Passion at Douay; for our faces were utterly spoiled at the places which
+had been touched by those leaves.  One had there the small-pox; another,
+God's token, or the plague-spot; a third, the crinckums; a fourth, the
+measles; a fifth, botches, pushes, and carbuncles; in short, he came off
+the least hurt who only lost his teeth by the bargain.  Miracle! bawled out
+Homenas, miracle!
+
+Hold, hold! cried Rhizotome; it is not yet time to clap.  My sister Kate
+and my sister Ren had put the crepines of their hoods, their ruffles,
+snuffekins, and neck-ruffs new washed, starched, and ironed, into that very
+book of decretals; for, you must know, it was covered with thick boards and
+had strong clasps.  Now, by the virtue of God--Hold, interrupted Homenas,
+what god do you mean?  There is but one, answered Rhizotome.  In heaven, I
+grant, replied Homenas; but we have another here on earth, do you see?  Ay,
+marry have we, said Rhizotome; but on my soul I protest I had quite forgot
+it.  Well then, by the virtue of god the pope, their pinners, neck-ruffs,
+bib, coifs, and other linen turned as black as a charcoal-man's sack.
+Miracle! cried Homenas.  Here, Clerica, light me here; and prithee, girl,
+observe these rare stories.  How comes it to pass then, asked Friar John,
+that people say,
+
+  Ever since decrees had tails,
+  And gendarmes lugged heavy mails,
+  Since each monk would have a horse,
+  All went here from bad to worse.
+
+I understand you, answered Homenas; this is one of the quirks and little
+satires of the new-fangled heretics.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LIII.
+
+How by the virtue of the decretals, gold is subtilely drawn out of France
+to Rome.
+
+I would, said Epistemon, it had cost me a pint of the best tripe that ever
+can enter into gut, so we had but compared with the original the dreadful
+chapters, Execrabilis, De multa, Si plures; De annatis per totum; Nisi
+essent; Cum ad monasterium; Quod delectio; Mandatum; and certain others,
+that draw every year out of France to Rome four hundred thousand ducats and
+more.
+
+Do you make nothing of this? asked Homenas.  Though, methinks, after all,
+it is but little, if we consider that France, the most Christian, is the
+only nurse the see of Rome has.  However, find me in the whole world a
+book, whether of philosophy, physic, law, mathematics, or other humane
+learning, nay, even, by my God, of the Holy Scripture itself, will draw as
+much money thence?  None, none, psha, tush, blurt, pish; none can.  You may
+look till your eyes drop out of your head, nay, till doomsday in the
+afternoon, before you can find another of that energy; I'll pass my word
+for that.
+
+Yet these devilish heretics refuse to learn and know it.  Burn 'em, tear
+'em, nip 'em with hot pincers, drown 'em, hang 'em, spit 'em at the
+bunghole, pelt 'em, paut 'em, bruise 'em, beat 'em, cripple 'em, dismember
+'em, cut 'em, gut 'em, bowel 'em, paunch 'em, thrash 'em, slash 'em, gash
+'em, chop 'em, slice 'em, slit 'em, carve 'em, saw 'em, bethwack 'em, pare
+'em, hack 'em, hew 'em, mince 'em, flay 'em, boil 'em, broil 'em, roast
+'em, toast 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, crucify 'em, crush 'em, squeeze 'em,
+grind 'em, batter 'em, burst 'em, quarter 'em, unlimb 'em, behump 'em,
+bethump 'em, belam 'em, belabour 'em, pepper 'em, spitchcock 'em, and
+carbonade 'em on gridirons, these wicked heretics! decretalifuges,
+decretalicides, worse than homicides, worse than patricides,
+decretalictones of the devil of hell.
+
+As for you other good people, I must earnestly pray and beseech you to
+believe no other thing, to think on, say, undertake, or do no other thing,
+than what's contained in our sacred decretals and their corollaries, this
+fine Sextum, these fine Clementinae, these fine Extravagantes.  O deific
+books!  So shall you enjoy glory, honour, exaltation, wealth, dignities,
+and preferments in this world; be revered and dreaded by all, preferred,
+elected, and chosen above all men.
+
+For there is not under the cope of heaven a condition of men out of which
+you'll find persons fitter to do and handle all things than those who by
+divine prescience, eternal predestination, have applied themselves to the
+study of the holy decretals.
+
+Would you choose a worthy emperor, a good captain, a fit general in time of
+war, one that can well foresee all inconveniences, avoid all dangers,
+briskly and bravely bring his men on to a breach or attack, still be on
+sure grounds, always overcome without loss of his men, and know how to make
+a good use of his victory?  Take me a decretist.  No, no, I mean a
+decretalist.  Ho, the foul blunder, whispered Epistemon.
+
+Would you, in time of peace, find a man capable of wisely governing the
+state of a commonwealth, of a kingdom, of an empire, of a monarchy;
+sufficient to maintain the clergy, nobility, senate, and commons in wealth,
+friendship, unity, obedience, virtue, and honesty?  Take a decretalist.
+
+Would you find a man who, by his exemplary life, eloquence, and pious
+admonitions, may in a short time, without effusion of human blood, conquer
+the Holy Land, and bring over to the holy Church the misbelieving Turks,
+Jews, Tartars, Muscovites, Mamelukes, and Sarrabonites?  Take me a
+decretalist.
+
+What makes, in many countries, the people rebellious and depraved, pages
+saucy and mischievous, students sottish and duncical?  Nothing but that
+their governors and tutors were not decretalists.
+
+But what, on your conscience, was it, do you think, that established,
+confirmed, and authorized those fine religious orders with whom you see the
+Christian world everywhere adorned, graced, and illustrated, as the
+firmament is with its glorious stars?  The holy decretals.
+
+What was it that founded, underpropped, and fixed, and now maintains,
+nourishes, and feeds the devout monks and friars in convents, monasteries,
+and abbeys; so that did they not daily and mightily pray without ceasing,
+the world would be in evident danger of returning to its primitive chaos?
+The sacred decretals.
+
+What makes and daily increases the famous and celebrated patrimony of St.
+Peter in plenty of all temporal, corporeal, and spiritual blessings?  The
+holy decretals.
+
+What made the holy apostolic see and pope of Rome, in all times, and at
+this present, so dreadful in the universe, that all kings, emperors,
+potentates, and lords, willing, nilling, must depend upon him, hold of him,
+be crowned, confirmed, and authorized by him, come thither to strike sail,
+buckle, and fall down before his holy slipper, whose picture you have seen?
+The mighty decretals of God.
+
+I will discover you a great secret.  The universities of your world have
+commonly a book, either open or shut, in their arms and devices; what book
+do you think it is?  Truly, I do not know, answered Pantagruel; I never
+read it.  It is the decretals, said Homenas, without which the privileges
+of all universities would soon be lost.  You must own that I have taught
+you this; ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
+
+Here Homenas began to belch, to fart, to funk, to laugh, to slaver, and to
+sweat; and then he gave his huge greasy four-cornered cap to one of the
+lasses, who clapped it on her pretty head with a great deal of joy, after
+she had lovingly bussed it, as a sure token that she should be first
+married.  Vivat, cried Epistemon, fifat, bibat, pipat.
+
+O apocalyptic secret! continued Homenas; light, light, Clerica; light here
+with double lanterns.  Now for the fruit, virgins.
+
+I was saying, then, that giving yourselves thus wholly to the study of the
+holy decretals, you will gain wealth and honour in this world.  I add, that
+in the next you will infallibly be saved in the blessed kingdom of heaven,
+whose keys are given to our good god and decretaliarch.  O my good god,
+whom I adore and never saw, by thy special grace open unto us, at the point
+of death at least, this most sacred treasure of our holy Mother Church,
+whose protector, preserver, butler, chief-larder, administrator, and
+disposer thou art; and take care, I beseech thee, O lord, that the precious
+works of supererogation, the goodly pardons, do not fail us in time of
+need; so that the devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our precious
+souls, and the dreadful jaws of hell may not swallow us.  If we must pass
+through purgatory thy will be done.  It is in thy power to draw us out of
+it when thou pleasest.  Here Homenas began to shed huge hot briny tears, to
+beat his breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape of a cross.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LIV.
+
+How Homenas gave Pantagruel some bon-Christian pears.
+
+Epistemon, Friar John, and Panurge, seeing this doleful catastrophe, began,
+under the cover of their napkins, to cry Meeow, meeow, meeow; feigning to
+wipe their eyes all the while as if they had wept.  The wenches were doubly
+diligent, and brought brimmers of Clementine wine to every one, besides
+store of sweetmeats; and thus the feasting was revived.
+
+Before we arose from table, Homenas gave us a great quantity of fair large
+pears, saying, Here, my good friends, these are singular good pears.  You
+will find none such anywhere else, I dare warrant.  Every soil bears not
+everything, you know.  India alone boasts black ebony; the best incense is
+produced in Sabaea; the sphragitid earth at Lemnos; so this island is the
+only place where such fine pears grow.  You may, if you please, make
+seminaries with their pippins in your country.
+
+I like their taste extremely, said Pantagruel.  If they were sliced, and
+put into a pan on the fire with wine and sugar, I fancy they would be very
+wholesome meat for the sick, as well as for the healthy.  Pray what do you
+call 'em?  No otherwise than you have heard, replied Homenas.  We are a
+plain downright sort of people, as God would have it, and call figs, figs;
+plums, plums; and pears, pears.  Truly, said Pantagruel, if I live to go
+home--which I hope will be speedily, God willing--I'll set off and graff
+some in my garden in Touraine, by the banks of the Loire, and will call
+them bon-Christian or good-Christian pears, for I never saw better
+Christians than are these good Papimans.  I would like him two to one
+better yet, said Friar John, would he but give us two or three cartloads of
+yon buxom lasses.  Why, what would you do with them? cried Homenas.  Quoth
+Friar John, No harm, only bleed the kind-hearted souls straight between the
+two great toes with certain clever lancets of the right stamp; by which
+operation good Christian children would be inoculated upon them, and the
+breed be multiplied in our country, in which there are not many over-good,
+the more's the pity.
+
+Nay, verily, replied Homenas, we cannot do this; for you would make them
+tread their shoes awry, crack their pipkins, and spoil their shapes.  You
+love mutton, I see; you will run at sheep.  I know you by that same nose
+and hair of yours, though I never saw your face before.  Alas! alas! how
+kind you are!  And would you indeed damn your precious soul?  Our decretals
+forbid this.  Ah, I wish you had them at your finger's-end.  Patience, said
+Friar John; but, si tu non vis dare, praesta, quaesumus.  Matter of
+breviary.  As for that, I defy all the world, and I fear no man that wears
+a head and a hood, though he were a crystalline, I mean a decretaline
+doctor.
+
+Dinner being over, we took our leave of the right reverend Homenas, and of
+all the good people, humbly giving thanks; and, to make them amends for
+their kind entertainment, promised them that, at our coming to Rome, we
+would make our applications so effectually to the pope that he would
+speedily be sure to come to visit them in person.  After this we went
+o'board.
+
+Pantagruel, by an act of generosity, and as an acknowledgment of the sight
+of the pope's picture, gave Homenas nine pieces of double friezed cloth of
+gold to be set before the grates of the window.  He also caused the church
+box for its repairs and fabric to be quite filled with double crowns of
+gold; and ordered nine hundred and fourteen angels to be delivered to each
+of the lasses who had waited at table, to buy them husbands when they could
+get them.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LV.
+
+How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard various unfrozen words.
+
+When we were at sea, junketting, tippling, discoursing, and telling
+stories, Pantagruel rose and stood up to look out; then asked us, Do you
+hear nothing, gentlemen?  Methinks I hear some people talking in the air,
+yet I can see nobody.  Hark!  According to his command we listened, and
+with full ears sucked in the air as some of you suck oysters, to find if we
+could hear some sound scattered through the sky; and to lose none of it,
+like the Emperor Antoninus some of us laid their hands hollow next to their
+ears; but all this would not do, nor could we hear any voice.  Yet
+Pantagruel continued to assure us he heard various voices in the air, some
+of men, and some of women.
+
+At last we began to fancy that we also heard something, or at least that
+our ears tingled; and the more we listened, the plainer we discerned the
+voices, so as to distinguish articulate sounds.  This mightily frightened
+us, and not without cause; since we could see nothing, yet heard such
+various sounds and voices of men, women, children, horses, &c., insomuch
+that Panurge cried out, Cods-belly, there is no fooling with the devil; we
+are all beshit, let's fly.  There is some ambuscado hereabouts.  Friar
+John, art thou here my love?  I pray thee, stay by me, old boy.  Hast thou
+got thy swindging tool?  See that it do not stick in thy scabbard; thou
+never scourest it half as it should be.  We are undone.  Hark!  They are
+guns, gad judge me.  Let's fly, I do not say with hands and feet, as Brutus
+said at the battle of Pharsalia; I say, with sails and oars.  Let's whip it
+away.  I never find myself to have a bit of courage at sea; in cellars and
+elsewhere I have more than enough.  Let's fly and save our bacon.  I do not
+say this for any fear that I have; for I dread nothing but danger, that I
+don't; I always say it that shouldn't.  The free archer of Baignolet said
+as much.  Let us hazard nothing, therefore, I say, lest we come off bluely.
+Tack about, helm a-lee, thou son of a bachelor.  Would I were now well in
+Quinquenais, though I were never to marry.  Haste away, let's make all the
+sail we can.  They'll be too hard for us; we are not able to cope with
+them; they are ten to our one, I'll warrant you.  Nay, and they are on
+their dunghill, while we do not know the country.  They will be the death
+of us.  We'll lose no honour by flying.  Demosthenes saith that the man
+that runs away may fight another day.  At least let us retreat to the
+leeward.  Helm a-lee; bring the main-tack aboard, haul the bowlines, hoist
+the top-gallants.  We are all dead men; get off, in the devil's name, get
+off.
+
+Pantagruel, hearing the sad outcry which Panurge made, said, Who talks of
+flying?  Let's first see who they are; perhaps they may be friends.  I can
+discover nobody yet, though I can see a hundred miles round me.  But let's
+consider a little.  I have read that a philosopher named Petron was of
+opinion that there were several worlds that touched each other in an
+equilateral triangle; in whose centre, he said, was the dwelling of truth;
+and that the words, ideas, copies, and images of all things past and to
+come resided there; round which was the age; and that with success of time
+part of them used to fall on mankind like rheums and mildews, just as the
+dew fell on Gideon's fleece, till the age was fulfilled.
+
+I also remember, continued he, that Aristotle affirms Homer's words to be
+flying, moving, and consequently animated.  Besides, Antiphanes said that
+Plato's philosophy was like words which, being spoken in some country
+during a hard winter, are immediately congealed, frozen up, and not heard;
+for what Plato taught young lads could hardly be understood by them when
+they were grown old.  Now, continued he, we should philosophize and search
+whether this be not the place where those words are thawed.
+
+You would wonder very much should this be the head and lyre of Orpheus.
+When the Thracian women had torn him to pieces they threw his head and lyre
+into the river Hebrus, down which they floated to the Euxine sea as far as
+the island of Lesbos; the head continually uttering a doleful song, as it
+were lamenting the death of Orpheus, and the lyre, with the wind's impulse
+moving its strings and harmoniously accompanying the voice.  Let's see if
+we cannot discover them hereabouts.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LVI.
+
+How among the frozen words Pantagruel found some odd ones.
+
+The skipper made answer:  Be not afraid, my lord; we are on the confines of
+the Frozen Sea, on which, about the beginning of last winter, happened a
+great and bloody fight between the Arimaspians and the Nephelibates.  Then
+the words and cries of men and women, the hacking, slashing, and hewing of
+battle-axes, the shocking, knocking, and jolting of armours and harnesses,
+the neighing of horses, and all other martial din and noise, froze in the
+air; and now, the rigour of the winter being over, by the succeeding
+serenity and warmth of the weather they melt and are heard.
+
+By jingo, quoth Panurge, the man talks somewhat like.  I believe him.  But
+couldn't we see some of 'em?  I think I have read that, on the edge of the
+mountain on which Moses received the Judaic law, the people saw the voices
+sensibly.  Here, here, said Pantagruel, here are some that are not yet
+thawed.  He then threw us on the deck whole handfuls of frozen words, which
+seemed to us like your rough sugar-plums, of many colours, like those used
+in heraldry; some words gules (this means also jests and merry sayings),
+some vert, some azure, some black, some or (this means also fair words);
+and when we had somewhat warmed them between our hands, they melted like
+snow, and we really heard them, but could not understand them, for it was a
+barbarous gibberish.  One of them only, that was pretty big, having been
+warmed between Friar John's hands, gave a sound much like that of chestnuts
+when they are thrown into the fire without being first cut, which made us
+all start.  This was the report of a field-piece in its time, cried Friar
+John.
+
+Panurge prayed Pantagruel to give him some more; but Pantagruel told him
+that to give words was the part of a lover.  Sell me some then, I pray you,
+cried Panurge.  That's the part of a lawyer, returned Pantagruel.  I would
+sooner sell you silence, though at a dearer rate; as Demosthenes formerly
+sold it by the means of his argentangina, or silver squinsy.
+
+However, he threw three or four handfuls of them on the deck; among which I
+perceived some very sharp words, and some bloody words, which the pilot
+said used sometimes to go back and recoil to the place whence they came,
+but it was with a slit weasand.  We also saw some terrible words, and some
+others not very pleasant to the eye.
+
+When they had been all melted together, we heard a strange noise, hin, hin,
+hin, hin, his, tick, tock, taack, bredelinbrededack, frr, frr, frr, bou,
+bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, track, track, trr, trr, trr, trrr,
+trrrrrr, on, on, on, on, on, on, ououououon, gog, magog, and I do not know
+what other barbarous words, which the pilot said were the noise made by the
+charging squadrons, the shock and neighing of horses.
+
+Then we heard some large ones go off like drums and fifes, and others like
+clarions and trumpets.  Believe me, we had very good sport with them.  I
+would fain have saved some merry odd words, and have preserved them in oil,
+as ice and snow are kept, and between clean straw.  But Pantagruel would
+not let me, saying that 'tis a folly to hoard up what we are never like to
+want or have always at hand, odd, quaint, merry, and fat words of gules
+never being scarce among all good and jovial Pantagruelists.
+
+Panurge somewhat vexed Friar John, and put him in the pouts; for he took
+him at his word while he dreamed of nothing less.  This caused the friar to
+threaten him with such a piece of revenge as was put upon G. Jousseaume,
+who having taken the merry Patelin at his word when he had overbid himself
+in some cloth, was afterwards fairly taken by the horns like a bullock by
+his jovial chapman, whom he took at his word like a man.  Panurge, well
+knowing that threatened folks live long, bobbed and made mouths at him in
+token of derision, then cried, Would I had here the word of the Holy
+Bottle, without being thus obliged to go further in pilgrimage to her.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LVII.
+
+How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling of Gaster, the first master of
+arts in the world.
+
+That day Pantagruel went ashore in an island which, for situation and
+governor, may be said not to have its fellow.  When you just come into it,
+you find it rugged, craggy, and barren, unpleasant to the eye, painful to
+the feet, and almost as inaccessible as the mountain of Dauphine, which is
+somewhat like a toadstool, and was never climbed as any can remember by any
+but Doyac, who had the charge of King Charles the Eighth's train of
+artillery.
+
+This same Doyac with strange tools and engines gained that mountain's top,
+and there he found an old ram.  It puzzled many a wise head to guess how it
+got thither.  Some said that some eagle or great horncoot, having carried
+it thither while it was yet a lambkin, it had got away and saved itself
+among the bushes.
+
+As for us, having with much toil and sweat overcome the difficult ways at
+the entrance, we found the top of the mountain so fertile, healthful, and
+pleasant, that I thought I was then in the true garden of Eden, or earthly
+paradise, about whose situation our good theologues are in such a quandary
+and keep such a pother.
+
+As for Pantagruel, he said that here was the seat of Arete--that is as much
+as to say, virtue--described by Hesiod.  This, however, with submission to
+better judgments.  The ruler of this place was one Master Gaster, the first
+master of arts in this world.  For, if you believe that fire is the great
+master of arts, as Tully writes, you very much wrong him and yourself;
+alas! Tully never believed this.  On the other side, if you fancy Mercury
+to be the first inventor of arts, as our ancient Druids believed of old,
+you are mightily beside the mark.  The satirist's sentence, that affirms
+Master Gaster to be the master of all arts, is true.  With him peacefully
+resided old goody Penia, alias Poverty, the mother of the ninety-nine
+Muses, on whom Porus, the lord of Plenty, formerly begot Love, that noble
+child, the mediator of heaven and earth, as Plato affirms in Symposio.
+
+We were all obliged to pay our homage and swear allegiance to that mighty
+sovereign; for he is imperious, severe, blunt, hard, uneasy, inflexible;
+you cannot make him believe, represent to him, or persuade him anything.
+
+He does not hear; and as the Egyptians said that Harpocrates, the god of
+silence, named Sigalion in Greek, was astome, that is, without a mouth, so
+Gaster was created without ears, even like the image of Jupiter in Candia.
+
+He only speaks by signs, but those signs are more readily obeyed by
+everyone than the statutes of senates or commands of monarchs.  Neither
+will he admit the least let or delay in his summons.  You say that when a
+lion roars all the beasts at a considerable distance round about, as far as
+his roar can be heard, are seized with a shivering.  This is written, it is
+true, I have seen it. I assure you that at Master Gaster's command the very
+heavens tremble, and all the earth shakes.  His command is called, Do this
+or die.  Needs must when the devil drives; there's no gainsaying of it.
+
+The pilot was telling us how, on a certain time, after the manner of the
+members that mutinied against the belly, as Aesop describes it, the whole
+kingdom of the Somates went off into a direct faction against Gaster,
+resolving to throw off his yoke; but they soon found their mistake, and
+most humbly submitted, for otherwise they had all been famished.
+
+What company soever he is in, none dispute with him for precedence or
+superiority; he still goes first, though kings, emperors, or even the pope,
+were there.  So he held the first place at the council of Basle; though
+some will tell you that the council was tumultuous by the contention and
+ambition of many for priority.
+
+Everyone is busied and labours to serve him, and indeed, to make amends for
+this, he does this good to mankind, as to invent for them all arts,
+machines, trades, engines, and crafts; he even instructs brutes in arts
+which are against their nature, making poets of ravens, jackdaws,
+chattering jays, parrots, and starlings, and poetesses of magpies, teaching
+them to utter human language, speak, and sing; and all for the gut.  He
+reclaims and tames eagles, gerfalcons, falcons gentle, sakers, lanners,
+goshawks, sparrowhawks, merlins, haggards, passengers, wild rapacious
+birds; so that, setting them free in the air whenever he thinks fit, as
+high and as long as he pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, flying,
+hovering, and courting him above the clouds.  Then on a sudden he makes
+them stoop, and come down amain from heaven next to the ground; and all for
+the gut.
+
+Elephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, horses, mares, and dogs, he teaches
+to dance, prance, vault, fight, swim, hide themselves, fetch and carry what
+he pleases; and all for the gut.
+
+Salt and fresh-water fish, whales, and the monsters of the main, he brings
+them up from the bottom of the deep; wolves he forces out of the woods,
+bears out of the rocks, foxes out of their holes, and serpents out of the
+ground, and all for the gut.
+
+In short, he is so unruly, that in his rage he devours all men and beasts;
+as was seen among the Vascons, when Q. Metellus besieged them in the
+Sertorian wars, among the Saguntines besieged by Hannibal; among the Jews
+besieged by the Romans, and six hundred more; and all for the gut.  When
+his regent Penia takes a progress, wherever she moves all senates are shut
+up, all statutes repealed, all orders and proclamations vain; she knows,
+obeys, and has no law.  All shun her, in every place choosing rather to
+expose themselves to shipwreck at sea, and venture through fire, rocks,
+caves, and precipices, than be seized by that most dreadful tormentor.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LVIII.
+
+How, at the court of the master of ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the
+Engastrimythes and the Gastrolaters.
+
+At the court of that great master of ingenuity, Pantagruel observed two
+sorts of troublesome and too officious apparitors, whom he very much
+detested.  The first were called Engastrimythes; the others, Gastrolaters.
+
+The first pretended to be descended of the ancient race of Eurycles, and
+for this brought the authority of Aristophanes in his comedy called the
+Wasps; whence of old they were called Euryclians, as Plato writes, and
+Plutarch in his book of the Cessation of Oracles.  In the holy decrees, 26,
+qu. 3, they are styled Ventriloqui; and the same name is given them in
+Ionian by Hippocrates, in his fifth book of Epid., as men who speak from
+the belly.  Sophocles calls them Sternomantes.  These were soothsayers,
+enchanters, cheats, who gulled the mob, and seemed not to speak and give
+answers from the mouth, but from the belly.
+
+Such a one, about the year of our Lord 1513, was Jacoba Rodogina, an
+Italian woman of mean extract; from whose belly we, as well as an infinite
+number of others at Ferrara and elsewhere, have often heard the voice of
+the evil spirit speak, low, feeble, and small, indeed, but yet very
+distinct, articulate, and intelligible, when she was sent for out of
+curiosity by the lords and princes of the Cisalpine Gaul.  To remove all
+manner of doubt, and be assured that this was not a trick, they used to
+have her stripped stark naked, and caused her mouth and nose to be stopped.
+This evil spirit would be called Curled-pate, or Cincinnatulo, seeming
+pleased when any called him by that name, at which he was always ready to
+answer.  If any spoke to him of things past or present, he gave pertinent
+answers, sometimes to the amazement of the hearers; but if of things to
+come, then the devil was gravelled, and used to lie as fast as a dog can
+trot.  Nay, sometimes he seemed to own his ignorance, instead of an answer
+letting out a rousing fart, or muttering some words with barbarous and
+uncouth inflexions, and not to be understood.
+
+As for the Gastrolaters, they stuck close to one another in knots and
+gangs.  Some of them merry, wanton, and soft as so many milk-sops; others
+louring, grim, dogged, demure, and crabbed; all idle, mortal foes to
+business, spending half their time in sleeping and the rest in doing
+nothing, a rent-charge and dead unnecessary weight on the earth, as Hesiod
+saith; afraid, as we judged, of offending or lessening their paunch.
+Others were masked, disguised, and so oddly dressed that it would have done
+you good to have seen them.
+
+There's a saying, and several ancient sages write, that the skill of nature
+appears wonderful in the pleasure which she seems to have taken in the
+configuration of sea-shells, so great is their variety in figures, colours,
+streaks, and inimitable shapes.  I protest the variety we perceived in the
+dresses of the gastrolatrous coquillons was not less.  They all owned
+Gaster for their supreme god, adored him as a god, offered him sacrifices
+as to their omnipotent deity, owned no other god, served, loved, and
+honoured him above all things.
+
+You would have thought that the holy apostle spoke of those when he said
+(Phil. chap. 3), Many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you
+even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ:  whose end is
+destruction, whose God is their belly.  Pantagruel compared them to the
+Cyclops Polyphemus, whom Euripides brings in speaking thus:  I only
+sacrifice to myself--not to the gods--and to this belly of mine, the
+greatest of all the gods.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LIX.
+
+Of the ridiculous statue Manduce; and how and what the Gastrolaters
+sacrifice to their ventripotent god.
+
+While we fed our eyes with the sight of the phizzes and actions of these
+lounging gulligutted Gastrolaters, we on a sudden heard the sound of a
+musical instrument called a bell; at which all of them placed themselves in
+rank and file as for some mighty battle, everyone according to his office,
+degree, and seniority.
+
+In this order they moved towards Master Gaster, after a plump, young,
+lusty, gorbellied fellow, who on a long staff fairly gilt carried a wooden
+statue, grossly carved, and as scurvily daubed over with paint; such a one
+as Plautus, Juvenal, and Pomp. Festus describe it.  At Lyons during the
+Carnival it is called Maschecroute or Gnawcrust; they call'd this Manduce.
+
+It was a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous figure, fit to fright little
+children; its eyes were bigger than its belly, and its head larger than all
+the rest of its body; well mouth-cloven however, having a goodly pair of
+wide, broad jaws, lined with two rows of teeth, upper tier and under tier,
+which, by the magic of a small twine hid in the hollow part of the golden
+staff, were made to clash, clatter, and rattle dreadfully one against
+another; as they do at Metz with St. Clement's dragon.
+
+Coming near the Gastrolaters I saw they were followed by a great number of
+fat waiters and tenders, laden with baskets, dossers, hampers, dishes,
+wallets, pots, and kettles.  Then, under the conduct of Manduce, and
+singing I do not know what dithyrambics, crepalocomes, and epenons, opening
+their baskets and pots, they offered their god:
+
+White hippocras,         Fricassees, nine       Cold loins of veal,
+  with dry toasts.         sorts.                 with spice.
+White bread.             Monastical brewis.     Zinziberine.
+Brown bread.             Gravy soup.            Beatille pies.
+Carbonadoes, six         Hotch-pots.            Brewis.
+  sorts.                 Soft bread.            Marrow-bones, toast,
+Brawn.                   Household bread.         and cabbage.
+Sweetbreads.             Capirotadoes.          Hashes.
+
+Eternal drink intermixed.  Brisk delicate white wine led the van; claret
+and champagne followed, cool, nay, as cold as the very ice, I say, filled
+and offered in large silver cups.  Then they offered:
+
+Chitterlings, gar-       Chines and peas.       Hams.
+  nished with mus-       Hog's haslets.         Brawn heads.
+  tard.                  Scotch collops.        Powdered venison,
+Sausages.                Puddings.                with turnips.
+Neats' tongues.          Cervelats.             Pickled olives.
+Hung beef.               Bologna sausages.
+
+All this associated with sempiternal liquor.  Then they housed within his
+muzzle:
+
+Legs of mutton, with     Ribs of pork, with     Caponets.
+  shallots.                onion sauce.         Caviare and toast.
+Olias.                   Roast capons, basted   Fawns, deer.
+Lumber pies, with          with their own       Hares, leverets.
+  hot sauce.               dripping.            Plovers.
+Partridges and young     Flamingoes.            Herons, and young
+  partridges.            Cygnets.                 herons.
+Dwarf-herons.            A reinforcement of     Olives.
+Teals.                     vinegar intermixed.  Thrushes.
+Duckers.                 Venison pasties.       Young sea-ravens.
+Bitterns.                Lark pies.             Geese, goslings.
+Shovellers.              Dormice pies.          Queests.
+Curlews.                 Cabretto pasties.      Widgeons.
+Wood-hens.               Roebuck pasties.       Mavises.
+Coots, with leeks.       Pigeon pies.           Grouses.
+Fat kids.                Kid pasties.           Turtles.
+Shoulders of mutton,     Capon pies.            Doe-coneys.
+  with capers.           Bacon pies.            Hedgehogs.
+Sirloins of beef.        Soused hog's feet.     Snites.
+Breasts of veal.         Fried pasty-crust.     Then large puffs.
+Pheasants and phea-      Forced capons.         Thistle-finches.
+  sant poots.            Parmesan cheese.       Whore's farts.
+Peacocks.                Red and pale hip-      Fritters.
+Storks.                    pocras.              Cakes, sixteen sorts.
+Woodcocks.               Gold-peaches.          Crisp wafers.
+Snipes.                  Artichokes.            Quince tarts.
+Ortolans.                Dry and wet sweet-     Curds and cream.
+Turkey cocks, hen          meats, seventy-      Whipped cream.
+  turkeys, and turkey      eight sorts.         Preserved mirabo-
+  poots.                 Boiled hens, and fat     lans.
+Stock-doves, and           capons marinated.    Jellies.
+  wood-culvers.          Pullets, with eggs.    Welsh barrapyclids.
+Pigs, with wine sauce.   Chickens.              Macaroons.
+Blackbirds, ousels, and  Rabbits, and sucking   Tarts, twenty sorts.
+  rails.                   rabbits.             Lemon cream, rasp-
+Moorhens.                Quails, and young        berry cream, &c.
+Bustards, and bustard      quails.              Comfits, one hundred
+  poots.                 Pigeons, squabs, and     colours.
+Fig-peckers.               squeakers.           Cream wafers.
+Young Guinea hens.       Fieldfares.            Cream cheese.
+
+Vinegar brought up the rear to wash the mouth, and for fear of the squinsy;
+also toasts to scour the grinders.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LX.
+
+What the Gastrolaters sacrificed to their god on interlarded fish-days.
+
+Pantagruel did not like this pack of rascally scoundrels with their
+manifold kitchen sacrifices, and would have been gone had not Epistemon
+prevailed with him to stay and see the end of the farce.  He then asked the
+skipper what the idle lobcocks used to sacrifice to their gorbellied god on
+interlarded fish-days.  For his first course, said the skipper, they gave
+him:
+
+Caviare.                  tops, bishop's-cods,    Red herrings.
+Botargoes.                celery, chives, ram-    Pilchards.
+Fresh butter.             pions, jew's-ears (a    Anchovies.
+Pease soup.               sort of mushrooms       Fry of tunny.
+Spinach.                  that sprout out of      Cauliflowers.
+Fresh herrings, full      old elders), spara-     Beans.
+  roed.                   gus, wood-bind,         Salt salmon.
+Salads, a hundred         and a world of          Pickled grigs.
+  varieties, of cres-     others.                 Oysters in the shell.
+  ses, sodden hop-
+
+Then he must drink, or the devil would gripe him at the throat; this,
+therefore, they take care to prevent, and nothing is wanting.  Which being
+done, they give him lampreys with hippocras sauce:
+
+Gurnards.               Thornbacks.             Fried oysters.
+Salmon trouts.          Sleeves.                Cockles.
+Barbels, great and      Sturgeons.              Prawns.
+  small.                Sheath-fish.            Smelts.
+Roaches.                Mackerels.              Rock-fish.
+Cockerels.              Maids.                  Gracious lords.
+Minnows.                Plaice.                 Sword-fish.
+Skate-fish.             Sharplings.             Soles.
+Lamprels.               Tunnies.                Mussels.
+Jegs.                   Silver eels.            Lobsters.
+Pickerels.              Chevins.                Great prawns.
+Golden carps.           Crayfish.               Dace.
+Burbates.               Pallours.               Bleaks.
+Salmons.                Shrimps.                Tenches.
+Salmon-peels.           Congers.                Ombres.
+Dolphins.               Porpoises.              Fresh cods.
+Barn trouts.            Bases.                  Dried melwels.
+Miller's-thumbs.        Shads.                  Darefish.
+Precks.                 Murenes, a sort of      Fausens, and grigs.
+Bret-fish.                lampreys.             Eel-pouts.
+Flounders.              Graylings.              Tortoises.
+Sea-nettles.            Smys.                   Serpents, i.e. wood-
+Mullets.                Turbots.                  eels.
+Gudgeons.               Trout, not above a      Dories.
+Dabs and sandings.        foot long.            Moor-game.
+Haddocks.               Salmons.                Perches.
+Carps.                  Meagers.                Loaches.
+Pikes.                  Sea-breams.             Crab-fish.
+Bottitoes.              Halibuts.               Snails and whelks.
+Rochets.                Dog's tongue, or kind   Frogs.
+Sea-bears.                fool.
+
+If, when he had crammed all this down his guttural trapdoor, he did not
+immediately make the fish swim again in his paunch, death would pack him
+off in a trice.  Special care is taken to antidote his godship with
+vine-tree syrup.  Then is sacrificed to him haberdines, poor-jack,
+minglemangled, mismashed, &c.
+
+Eggs fried, beaten,       sliced, roasted in     Green-fish.
+  buttered, poached,      the embers, tossed     Sea-batts.
+  hardened, boiled,       in the chimney, &c.    Cod's sounds.
+  broiled, stewed,      Stock-fish.              Sea-pikes.
+
+Which to concoct and digest the more easily, vinegar is multiplied.  For
+the latter part of their sacrifices they offer:
+
+Rice milk, and hasty    Stewed prunes, and       Raisins.
+  pudding.                baked bullace.         Dates.
+Buttered wheat, and     Pistachios, or fistic    Chestnut and wal-
+  flummery.               nuts.                    nuts.
+Water-gruel, and        Figs.                    Filberts.
+  milk-porridge.        Almond butter.           Parsnips.
+Frumenty and bonny      Skirret root.            Artichokes.
+  clamber.              White-pot.
+              Perpetuity of soaking with the whole.
+
+It was none of their fault, I will assure you, if this same god of theirs
+was not publicly, preciously, and plentifully served in the sacrifices,
+better yet than Heliogabalus's idol; nay, more than Bel and the Dragon in
+Babylon, under King Belshazzar.  Yet Gaster had the manners to own that he
+was no god, but a poor, vile, wretched creature.  And as King Antigonus,
+first of the name, when one Hermodotus (as poets will flatter, especially
+princes) in some of his fustian dubbed him a god, and made the sun adopt
+him for his son, said to him:  My lasanophore (or, in plain English, my
+groom of the close-stool) can give thee the lie; so Master Gaster very
+civilly used to send back his bigoted worshippers to his close-stool, to
+see, smell, taste, philosophize, and examine what kind of divinity they
+could pick out of his sir-reverence.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXI.
+
+How Gaster invented means to get and preserve corn.
+
+Those gastrolatrous hobgoblins being withdrawn, Pantagruel carefully minded
+the famous master of arts, Gaster.  You know that, by the institution of
+nature, bread has been assigned him for provision and food; and that, as an
+addition to this blessing, he should never want the means to get bread.
+
+Accordingly, from the beginning he invented the smith's art, and husbandry
+to manure the ground, that it might yield him corn; he invented arms and
+the art of war to defend corn; physic and astronomy, with other parts of
+mathematics which might be useful to keep corn a great number of years in
+safety from the injuries of the air, beasts, robbers, and purloiners; he
+invented water, wind, and handmills, and a thousand other engines to grind
+corn and to turn it into meal; leaven to make the dough ferment, and the
+use of salt to give it a savour; for he knew that nothing bred more
+diseases than heavy, unleavened, unsavoury bread.
+
+He found a way to get fire to bake it; hour-glasses, dials, and clocks to
+mark the time of its baking; and as some countries wanted corn, he
+contrived means to convey some out of one country into another.
+
+He had the wit to pimp for asses and mares, animals of different species,
+that they might copulate for the generation of a third, which we call
+mules, more strong and fit for hard service than the other two.  He
+invented carts and waggons to draw him along with greater ease; and as seas
+and rivers hindered his progress, he devised boats, galleys, and ships (to
+the astonishment of the elements) to waft him over to barbarous, unknown,
+and far distant nations, thence to bring, or thither to carry corn.
+
+Besides, seeing that when he had tilled the ground, some years the corn
+perished in it for want of rain in due season, in others rotted or was
+drowned by its excess, sometimes spoiled by hail, eat by worms in the ear,
+or beaten down by storms, and so his stock was destroyed on the ground; we
+were told that ever since the days of yore he has found out a way to
+conjure the rain down from heaven only with cutting certain grass, common
+enough in the field, yet known to very few, some of which was then shown
+us.  I took it to be the same as the plant, one of whose boughs being
+dipped by Jove's priest in the Agrian fountain on the Lycian mountain in
+Arcadia, in time of drought raised vapours which gathered into clouds, and
+then dissolved into rain that kindly moistened the whole country.
+
+Our master of arts was also said to have found a way to keep the rain up in
+the air, and make it to fall into the sea; also to annihilate the hail,
+suppress the winds, and remove storms as the Methanensians of Troezene used
+to do.  And as in the fields thieves and plunderers sometimes stole and
+took by force the corn and bread which others had toiled to get, he
+invented the art of building towns, forts, and castles, to hoard and secure
+that staff of life.  On the other hand, finding none in the fields, and
+hearing that it was hoarded up and secured in towns, forts, and castles,
+and watched with more care than ever were the golden pippins of the
+Hesperides, he turned engineer, and found ways to beat, storm, and demolish
+forts and castles with machines and warlike thunderbolts, battering-rams,
+ballists, and catapults, whose shapes were shown to us, not over-well
+understood by our engineers, architects, and other disciples of Vitruvius;
+as Master Philibert de l'Orme, King Megistus's principal architect, has
+owned to us.
+
+And seeing that sometimes all these tools of destruction were baffled by
+the cunning subtlety or the subtle cunning (which you please) of
+fortifiers, he lately invented cannons, field-pieces, culverins, bombards,
+basiliskos, murdering instruments that dart iron, leaden, and brazen balls,
+some of them outweighing huge anvils.  This by the means of a most dreadful
+powder, whose hellish compound and effect has even amazed nature, and made
+her own herself outdone by art, the Oxydracian thunders, hails, and storms
+by which the people of that name immediately destroyed their enemies in the
+field being but mere potguns to these.  For one of our great guns when used
+is more dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, and maims, tears, breaks,
+slays, mows down, and sweeps away more men, and causes a greater
+consternation and destruction than a hundred thunderbolts.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXII.
+
+How Gaster invented an art to avoid being hurt or touched by cannon-balls.
+
+Gaster having secured himself with his corn within strongholds, has
+sometimes been attacked by enemies; his fortresses, by that thrice
+threefold cursed instrument, levelled and destroyed; his dearly beloved
+corn and bread snatched out of his mouth and sacked by a titanic force;
+therefore he then sought means to preserve his walls, bastions, rampiers,
+and sconces from cannon-shot, and to hinder the bullets from hitting him,
+stopping them in their flight, or at least from doing him or the besieged
+walls any damage.  He showed us a trial of this which has been since used
+by Fronton, and is now common among the pastimes and harmless recreations
+of the Thelemites.  I will tell you how he went to work, and pray for the
+future be a little more ready to believe what Plutarch affirms to have
+tried.  Suppose a herd of goats were all scampering as if the devil drove
+them, do but put a bit of eringo into the mouth of the hindmost nanny, and
+they will all stop stock still in the time you can tell three.
+
+Thus Gaster, having caused a brass falcon to be charged with a sufficient
+quantity of gunpowder well purged from its sulphur, and curiously made up
+with fine camphor, he then had a suitable ball put into the piece, with
+twenty-four little pellets like hail-shot, some round, some pearl fashion;
+then taking his aim and levelling it at a page of his, as if he would have
+hit him on the breast.  About sixty strides off the piece, halfway between
+it and the page in a right line, he hanged on a gibbet by a rope a very
+large siderite or iron-like stone, otherwise called herculean, formerly
+found on Ida in Phrygia by one Magnes, as Nicander writes, and commonly
+called loadstone; then he gave fire to the prime on the piece's touch-hole,
+which in an instant consuming the powder, the ball and hail-shot were with
+incredible violence and swiftness hurried out of the gun at its muzzle,
+that the air might penetrate to its chamber, where otherwise would have
+been a vacuum, which nature abhors so much, that this universal machine,
+heaven, air, land, and sea, would sooner return to the primitive chaos than
+admit the least void anywhere.  Now the ball and small shot, which
+threatened the page with no less than quick destruction, lost their
+impetuosity and remained suspended and hovering round the stone; nor did
+any of them, notwithstanding the fury with which they rushed, reach the
+page.
+
+Master Gaster could do more than all this yet, if you will believe me; for
+he invented a way how to cause bullets to fly backwards, and recoil on
+those that sent them with as great a force, and in the very numerical
+parallel for which the guns were planted.  And indeed, why should he have
+thought this difficult? seeing the herb ethiopis opens all locks
+whatsoever, and an echinus or remora, a silly weakly fish, in spite of all
+the winds that blow from the thirty-two points of the compass, will in the
+midst of a hurricane make you the biggest first-rate remain stock still, as
+if she were becalmed or the blustering tribe had blown their last.  Nay,
+and with the flesh of that fish, preserved with salt, you may fish gold out
+of the deepest well that was ever sounded with a plummet; for it will
+certainly draw up the precious metal, since Democritus affirmed it.
+Theophrastus believed and experienced that there was an herb at whose
+single touch an iron wedge, though never so far driven into a huge log of
+the hardest wood that is, would presently come out; and it is this same
+herb your hickways, alias woodpeckers, use, when with some mighty axe
+anyone stops up the hole of their nests, which they industriously dig and
+make in the trunk of some sturdy tree.  Since stags and hinds, when deeply
+wounded with darts, arrows, and bolts, if they do but meet the herb called
+dittany, which is common in Candia, and eat a little of it, presently the
+shafts come out and all is well again; even as kind Venus cured her beloved
+byblow Aeneas when he was wounded on the right thigh with an arrow by
+Juturna, Turnus's sister.  Since the very wind of laurels, fig-trees, or
+sea-calves makes the thunder sheer off insomuch that it never strikes them.
+Since at the sight of a ram, mad elephants recover their former senses.
+Since mad bulls coming near wild fig-trees, called caprifici, grow tame,
+and will not budge a foot, as if they had the cramp.  Since the venomous
+rage of vipers is assuaged if you but touch them with a beechen bough.
+Since also Euphorion writes that in the isle of Samos, before Juno's temple
+was built there, he has seen some beasts called neades, whose voice made
+the neighbouring places gape and sink into a chasm and abyss.  In short,
+since elders grow of a more pleasing sound, and fitter to make flutes, in
+such places where the crowing of cocks is not heard, as the ancient sages
+have writ and Theophrastus relates; as if the crowing of a cock dulled,
+flattened, and perverted the wood of the elder, as it is said to astonish
+and stupify with fear that strong and resolute animal, a lion.  I know that
+some have understood this of wild elder, that grows so far from towns or
+villages that the crowing of cocks cannot reach near it; and doubtless that
+sort ought to be preferred to the stenching common elder that grows about
+decayed and ruined places; but others have understood this in a higher
+sense, not literal, but allegorical, according to the method of the
+Pythagoreans, as when it was said that Mercury's statue could not be made
+of every sort of wood; to which sentence they gave this sense, that God is
+not to be worshipped in a vulgar form, but in a chosen and religious
+manner.  In the same manner, by this elder which grows far from places
+where cocks are heard, the ancients meant that the wise and studious ought
+not to give their minds to trivial or vulgar music, but to that which is
+celestial, divine, angelical, more abstracted, and brought from remoter
+parts, that is, from a region where the crowing of cocks is not heard; for,
+to denote a solitary and unfrequented place, we say cocks are never heard
+to crow there.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXIII.
+
+How Pantagruel fell asleep near the island of Chaneph, and of the problems
+proposed to be solved when he waked.
+
+The next day, merrily pursuing our voyage, we came in sight of the island
+of Chaneph, where Pantagruel's ship could not arrive, the wind chopping
+about, and then failing us so that we were becalmed, and could hardly get
+ahead, tacking about from starboard to larboard, and larboard to starboard,
+though to our sails we added drabblers.
+
+With this accident we were all out of sorts, moping, drooping,
+metagrabolized, as dull as dun in the mire, in C sol fa ut flat, out of
+tune, off the hinges, and I-don't-know-howish, without caring to speak one
+single syllable to each other.
+
+Pantagruel was taking a nap, slumbering and nodding on the quarter-deck by
+the cuddy, with an Heliodorus in his hand; for still it was his custom to
+sleep better by book than by heart.
+
+Epistemon was conjuring, with his astrolabe, to know what latitude we were
+in.
+
+Friar John was got into the cook-room, examining, by the ascendant of the
+spits and the horoscope of ragouts and fricassees, what time of day it
+might then be.
+
+Panurge (sweet baby!) held a stalk of Pantagruelions, alias hemp, next his
+tongue, and with it made pretty bubbles and bladders.
+
+Gymnast was making tooth-pickers with lentisk.
+
+Ponocrates, dozing, dozed, and dreaming, dreamed; tickled himself to make
+himself laugh, and with one finger scratched his noddle where it did not
+itch.
+
+Carpalin, with a nutshell and a trencher of verne (that's a card in
+Gascony), was making a pretty little merry windmill, cutting the card
+longways into four slips, and fastening them with a pin to the convex of
+the nut, and its concave to the tarred side of the gunnel of the ship.
+
+Eusthenes, bestriding one of the guns, was playing on it with his fingers
+as if it had been a trump-marine.
+
+Rhizotome, with the soft coat of a field tortoise, alias ycleped a mole,
+was making himself a velvet purse.
+
+Xenomanes was patching up an old weather-beaten lantern with a hawk's
+jesses.
+
+Our pilot (good man!) was pulling maggots out of the seamen's noses.
+
+At last Friar John, returning from the forecastle, perceived that
+Pantagruel was awake.  Then breaking this obstinate silence, he briskly and
+cheerfully asked him how a man should kill time, and raise good weather,
+during a calm at sea.
+
+Panurge, whose belly thought his throat cut, backed the motion presently,
+and asked for a pill to purge melancholy.
+
+Epistemon also came on, and asked how a man might be ready to bepiss
+himself with laughing when he has no heart to be merry.
+
+Gymnast, arising, demanded a remedy for a dimness of eyes.
+
+Ponocrates, after he had a while rubbed his noddle and shaken his ears,
+asked how one might avoid dog-sleep.  Hold! cried Pantagruel, the
+Peripatetics have wisely made a rule that all problems, questions, and
+doubts which are offered to be solved ought to be certain, clear, and
+intelligible.  What do you mean by dog-sleep?  I mean, answered Ponocrates,
+to sleep fasting in the sun at noonday, as the dogs do.
+
+Rhizotome, who lay stooping on the pump, raised his drowsy head, and lazily
+yawning, by natural sympathy set almost everyone in the ship a-yawning too;
+then he asked for a remedy against oscitations and gapings.
+
+Xenomanes, half puzzled, and tired out with new-vamping his antiquated
+lantern, asked how the hold of the stomach might be so well ballasted and
+freighted from the keel to the main hatch, with stores well stowed, that
+our human vessels might not heel or be walt, but well trimmed and stiff.
+
+Carpalin, twirling his diminutive windmill, asked how many motions are to
+be felt in nature before a gentleman may be said to be hungry.
+
+Eusthenes, hearing them talk, came from between decks, and from the capstan
+called out to know why a man that is fasting, bit by a serpent also
+fasting, is in greater danger of death than when man and serpent have eat
+their breakfasts;--why a man's fasting-spittle is poisonous to serpents and
+venomous creatures.
+
+One single solution may serve for all your problems, gentlemen, answered
+Pantagruel; and one single medicine for all such symptoms and accidents.
+My answer shall be short, not to tire you with a long needless train of
+pedantic cant.  The belly has no ears, nor is it to be filled with fair
+words; you shall be answered to content by signs and gestures.  As formerly
+at Rome, Tarquin the Proud, its last king, sent an answer by signs to his
+son Sextus, who was among the Gabii at Gabii.  (Saying this, he pulled the
+string of a little bell, and Friar John hurried away to the cook-room.)
+The son having sent his father a messenger to know how he might bring the
+Gabii under a close subjection, the king, mistrusting the messenger, made
+him no answer, and only took him into his privy garden, and in his presence
+with his sword lopped off the heads of the tall poppies that were there.
+The express returned without any other despatch, yet having related to the
+prince what he had seen his father do, he easily understood that by those
+signs he advised him to cut off the heads of the chief men in the town, the
+better to keep under the rest of the people.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXIV.
+
+How Pantagruel gave no answer to the problems.
+
+Pantagruel then asked what sort of people dwelt in that damned island.
+They are, answered Xenomanes, all hypocrites, holy mountebanks, tumblers of
+beads, mumblers of ave-marias, spiritual comedians, sham saints, hermits,
+all of them poor rogues who, like the hermit of Lormont between Blaye and
+Bordeaux, live wholly on alms given them by passengers.  Catch me there if
+you can, cried Panurge; may the devil's head-cook conjure my bumgut into a
+pair of bellows if ever you find me among them!  Hermits, sham saints,
+living forms of mortification, holy mountebanks, avaunt! in the name of
+your father Satan, get out of my sight!  When the devil's a hog, you shall
+eat bacon.  I shall not forget yet awhile our fat Concilipetes of Chesil.
+O that Beelzebub and Astaroth had counselled them to hang themselves out of
+the way, and they had done't! we had not then suffered so much by devilish
+storms as we did for having seen 'em.  Hark ye me, dear rogue, Xenomanes,
+my friend, I prithee are these hermits, hypocrites, and eavesdroppers maids
+or married?  Is there anything of the feminine gender among them?  Could a
+body hypocritically take there a small hypocritical touch?  Will they lie
+backwards, and let out their fore-rooms?  There's a fine question to be
+asked, cried Pantagruel.  Yes, yes, answered Xenomanes; you may find there
+many goodly hypocritesses, jolly spiritual actresses, kind hermitesses,
+women that have a plaguy deal of religion; then there's the copies of 'em,
+little hypocritillons, sham sanctitos, and hermitillons.  Foh! away with
+them, cried Friar John; a young saint, an old devil!  (Mark this, an old
+saying, and as true a one as, a young whore, an old saint.)  Were there not
+such, continued Xenomanes, the isle of Chaneph, for want of a
+multiplication of progeny, had long ere this been desert and desolate.
+
+Pantagruel sent them by Gymnast in the pinnace seventy-eight thousand fine
+pretty little gold half-crowns, of those that are marked with a lantern.
+After this he asked, What's o'clock?  Past nine, answered Epistemon.  It is
+then the best time to go to dinner, said Pantagruel; for the sacred line so
+celebrated by Aristophanes in his play called Concionatrices is at hand,
+never failing when the shadow is decempedal.
+
+Formerly, among the Persians, dinner-time was at a set hour only for kings;
+as for all others, their appetite and their belly was their clock; when
+that chimed, they thought it time to go to dinner.  So we find in Plautus a
+certain parasite making a heavy do, and sadly railing at the inventors of
+hour-glasses and dials as being unnecessary things, there being no clock
+more regular than the belly.
+
+Diogenes being asked at what times a man ought to eat, answered, The rich
+when he is hungry, the poor when he has anything to eat.  Physicians more
+properly say that the canonical hours are,
+
+  To rise at five, to dine at nine,
+  To sup at five, to sleep at nine.
+
+The famous king Petosiris's magic was different,--Here the officers for the
+gut came in, and got ready the tables and cupboards; laid the cloth, whose
+sight and pleasant smell were very comfortable; and brought plates,
+napkins, salts, tankards, flagons, tall-boys, ewers, tumblers, cups,
+goblets, basins, and cisterns.
+
+Friar John, at the head of the stewards, sewers, yeomen of the pantry, and
+of the mouth, tasters, carvers, cupbearers, and cupboard-keepers, brought
+four stately pasties, so huge that they put me in mind of the four bastions
+at Turin.  Ods-fish, how manfully did they storm them!  What havoc did they
+make with the long train of dishes that came after them!  How bravely did
+they stand to their pan-puddings, and paid off their dust!  How merrily did
+they soak their noses!
+
+The fruit was not yet brought in, when a fresh gale at west and by north
+began to fill the main-course, mizen-sail, fore-sail, tops, and
+top-gallants; for which blessing they all sung divers hymns of thanks and
+praise.
+
+When the fruit was on the table, Pantagruel asked, Now tell me, gentlemen,
+are your doubts fully resolved or no?  I gape and yawn no more, answered
+Rhizotome.  I sleep no longer like a dog, said Ponocrates.  I have cleared
+my eyesight, said Gymnast.  I have broke my fast, said Eusthenes; so that
+for this whole day I shall be secure from the danger of my spittle.
+
+Asps.             Black wag leg-flies.  Domeses.
+Amphisbenes.      Spanish flies.        Dryinades.
+Anerudutes.       Catoblepes.           Dragons.
+Abedissimons.     Horned snakes.        Elopes.
+Alhartrafz.       Caterpillars.         Enhydrides.
+Ammobates.        Crocodiles.           Falvises.
+Apimaos.          Toads.                Galeotes.
+Alhatrabans.      Nightmares.           Harmenes.
+Aractes.          Mad dogs.             Handons.
+Asterions.        Colotes.              Icles.
+Alcharates.       Cychriodes.           Jarraries.
+Arges.            Cafezates.            Ilicines.
+Spiders.          Cauhares.             Pharaoh's mice.
+Starry lizards.   Snakes.               Kesudures.
+Attelabes.        Cuhersks, two-        Sea-hares.
+Ascalabotes.        tongued adders.     Chalcidic newts.
+Haemorrhoids.     Amphibious ser-       Footed serpents.
+Basilisks.          pents.              Manticores.
+Fitches.          Cenchres.             Molures.
+Sucking water-    Cockatrices.          Mouse-serpents.
+  snakes.         Dipsades.             Shrew-mice.
+Miliares.         Salamanders.          Stinkfish.
+Megalaunes.       Slowworms.            Stuphes.
+Spitting-asps.    Stellions.            Sabrins.
+Porphyri.         Scorpenes.            Blood-sucking flies.
+Pareades.         Scorpions.            Hornfretters.
+Phalanges.        Hornworms.            Scolopendres.
+Penphredons.      Scalavotins.          Tarantulas.
+Pinetree-worms.   Solofuidars.          Blind worms.
+Ruteles.          Deaf-asps.            Tetragnathias.
+Worms.            Horseleeches.         Teristales.
+Rhagions.         Salt-haters.          Vipers, &c.
+Rhaganes.         Rot-serpents.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXV.
+
+How Pantagruel passed the time with his servants.
+
+In what hierarchy of such venomous creatures do you place Panurge's future
+spouse? asked Friar John.  Art thou speaking ill of women, cried Panurge,
+thou mangy scoundrel, thou sorry, noddy-peaked shaveling monk?  By the
+cenomanic paunch and gixy, said Epistemon, Euripides has written, and makes
+Andromache say it, that by industry, and the help of the gods, men had
+found remedies against all poisonous creatures; but none was yet found
+against a bad wife.
+
+This flaunting Euripides, cried Panurge, was gabbling against women every
+foot, and therefore was devoured by dogs, as a judgment from above; as
+Aristophanes observes.  Let's go on.  Let him speak that is next.  I can
+leak now like any stone-horse, said then Epistemon.  I am, said Xenomanes,
+full as an egg and round as a hoop; my ship's hold can hold no more, and
+will now make shift to bear a steady sail.  Said Carpalin, A truce with
+thirst, a truce with hunger; they are strong, but wine and meat are
+stronger.  I'm no more in the dumps cried Panurge; my heart's a pound
+lighter.  I'm in the right cue now, as brisk as a body-louse, and as merry
+as a beggar.  For my part, I know what I do when I drink; and it is a true
+thing (though 'tis in your Euripides) that is said by that jolly toper
+Silenus of blessed memory, that--
+
+  The man's emphatically mad,
+  Who drinks the best, yet can be sad.
+
+We must not fail to return our humble and hearty thanks to the Being who,
+with this good bread, this cool delicious wine, these good meats and rare
+dainties, removes from our bodies and minds these pains and perturbations,
+and at the same time fills us with pleasure and with food.
+
+But methinks, sir, you did not give an answer to Friar John's question;
+which, as I take it, was how to raise good weather.  Since you ask no more
+than this easy question, answered Pantagruel, I'll strive to give you
+satisfaction; and some other time we'll talk of the rest of the problems,
+if you will.
+
+Well then, Friar John asked how good weather might be raised.  Have we not
+raised it?  Look up and see our full topsails.  Hark how the wind whistles
+through the shrouds, what a stiff gale it blows.  Observe the rattling of
+the tacklings, and see the sheets that fasten the mainsail behind; the
+force of the wind puts them upon the stretch.  While we passed our time
+merrily, the dull weather also passed away; and while we raised the glasses
+to our mouths, we also raised the wind by a secret sympathy in nature.
+
+Thus Atlas and Hercules clubbed to raise and underprop the falling sky, if
+you'll believe the wise mythologists, but they raised it some half an inch
+too high, Atlas to entertain his guest Hercules more pleasantly, and
+Hercules to make himself amends for the thirst which some time before had
+tormented him in the deserts of Africa.  Your good father, said Friar John,
+interrupting him, takes care to free many people from such an
+inconveniency; for I have been told by many venerable doctors that his
+chief-butler, Turelupin, saves above eighteen hundred pipes of wine yearly
+to make servants, and all comers and goers, drink before they are a-dry.
+As the camels and dromedaries of a caravan, continued Pantagruel, use to
+drink for the thirst that's past, for the present, and for that to come, so
+did Hercules; and being thus excessively raised, this gave new motion to
+the sky, which is that of titubation and trepidation, about which our
+crackbrained astrologers make such a pother.  This, said Panurge, makes the
+saying good:
+
+  While jolly companions carouse it together,
+  A fig for the storm, it gives way to good weather.
+
+Nay, continued Pantagruel, some will tell you that we have not only
+shortened the time of the calm, but also much disburthened the ship; not
+like Aesop's basket, by easing it of the provision, but by breaking our
+fasts; and that a man is more terrestrial and heavy when fasting than when
+he has eaten and drank, even as they pretend that he weighs more dead than
+living.  However it is, you will grant they are in the right who take their
+morning's draught and breakfast before a long journey; then say that the
+horses will perform the better, and that a spur in the head is worth two in
+the flank; or, in the same horse dialect--
+
+  That a cup in the pate
+  Is a mile in the gate.
+
+Don't you know that formerly the Amycleans worshipped the noble Bacchus
+above all other gods, and gave him the name of Psila, which in the Doric
+dialect signifies wings; for, as the birds raise themselves by a towering
+flight with their wings above the clouds, so, with the help of soaring
+Bacchus, the powerful juice of the grape, our spirits are exalted to a
+pitch above themselves, our bodies are more sprightly, and their earthly
+parts become soft and pliant.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXVI.
+
+How, by Pantagruel's order, the Muses were saluted near the isle of
+Ganabim.
+
+This fair wind and as fine talk brought us in sight of a high land, which
+Pantagruel discovering afar off, showed it Xenomanes, and asked him, Do you
+see yonder to the leeward a high rock with two tops, much like Mount
+Parnassus in Phocis?  I do plainly, answered Xenomanes; 'tis the isle of
+Ganabim.  Have you a mind to go ashore there?  No, returned Pantagruel.
+You do well, indeed, said Xenomanes; for there is nothing worth seeing in
+the place.  The people are all thieves; yet there is the finest fountain in
+the world, and a very large forest towards the right top of the mountain.
+Your fleet may take in wood and water there.
+
+He that spoke last, spoke well, quoth Panurge; let us not by any means be
+so mad as to go among a parcel of thieves and sharpers.  You may take my
+word for't, this place is just such another as, to my knowledge, formerly
+were the islands of Sark and Herm, between the smaller and the greater
+Britain; such as was the Poneropolis of Philip in Thrace; islands of
+thieves, banditti, picaroons, robbers, ruffians, and murderers, worse than
+raw-head and bloody-bones, and full as honest as the senior fellows of the
+college of iniquity, the very outcasts of the county gaol's common-side.
+As you love yourself, do not go among 'em.  If you go you'll come off but
+bluely, if you come off at all.  If you will not believe me, at least
+believe what the good and wise Xenomanes tells you; for may I never stir if
+they are not worse than the very cannibals; they would certainly eat us
+alive.  Do not go among 'em, I pray you; it were safer to take a journey to
+hell.  Hark! by Cod's body, I hear 'em ringing the alarm-bell most
+dreadfully, as the Gascons about Bordeaux used formerly to do against the
+commissaries and officers for the tax on salt, or my ears tingle.  Let's
+sheer off.
+
+Believe me, sir, said Friar John, let's rather land; we will rid the world
+of that vermin, and inn there for nothing.  Old Nick go with thee for me,
+quoth Panurge.  This rash hairbrained devil of a friar fears nothing, but
+ventures and runs on like a mad devil as he is, and cares not a rush what
+becomes of others; as if everyone was a monk, like his friarship.  A pox on
+grinning honour, say I.  Go to, returned the friar, thou mangy noddy-peak!
+thou forlorn druggle-headed sneaksby! and may a million of black devils
+anatomize thy cockle brain.  The hen-hearted rascal is so cowardly that he
+berays himself for fear every day.  If thou art so afraid, dunghill, do not
+go; stay here and be hanged; or go and hide thy loggerhead under Madam
+Proserpine's petticoat.
+
+Panurge hearing this, his breech began to make buttons; so he slunk in in
+an instant, and went to hide his head down in the bread-room among the
+musty biscuits and the orts and scraps of broken bread.
+
+Pantagruel in the meantime said to the rest:  I feel a pressing retraction
+in my soul, which like a voice admonishes me not to land there.  Whenever I
+have felt such a motion within me I have found myself happy in avoiding
+what it directed me to shun, or in undertaking what it prompted me to do;
+and I never had occasion to repent following its dictates.
+
+As much, said Epistemon, is related of the daemon of Socrates, so
+celebrated among the Academics.  Well then, sir, said Friar John, while the
+ship's crew water have you a mind to have good sport?  Panurge is got down
+somewhere in the hold, where he is crept into some corner, and lurks like a
+mouse in a cranny.  Let 'em give the word for the gunner to fire yon gun
+over the round-house on the poop; this will serve to salute the Muses of
+this Anti-parnassus; besides, the powder does but decay in it.  You are in
+the right, said Pantagruel; here, give the word for the gunner.
+
+The gunner immediately came, and was ordered by Pantagruel to fire that
+gun, and then charge it with fresh powder, which was soon done.  The
+gunners of the other ships, frigates, galleons, and galleys of the fleet,
+hearing us fire, gave every one a gun to the island; which made such a
+horrid noise that you would have sworn heaven had been tumbling about our
+ears.
+
+
+
+Chapter 4.LXVII.
+
+How Panurge berayed himself for fear; and of the huge cat Rodilardus, which
+he took for a puny devil.
+
+Panurge, like a wild, addle-pated, giddy-goat, sallies out of the
+bread-room in his shirt, with nothing else about him but one of his
+stockings, half on, half off, about his heel, like a rough-footed pigeon;
+his hair and beard all bepowdered with crumbs of bread in which he had been
+over head and ears, and a huge and mighty puss partly wrapped up in his
+other stocking.  In this equipage, his chaps moving like a monkey's who's
+a-louse-hunting, his eyes staring like a dead pig's, his teeth chattering,
+and his bum quivering, the poor dog fled to Friar John, who was then sitting
+by the chain-wales of the starboard side of the ship, and prayed him
+heartily to take pity on him and keep him in the safeguard of his trusty
+bilbo; swearing, by his share of Papimany, that he had seen all hell broke
+loose.
+
+Woe is me, my Jacky, cried he, my dear Johnny, my old crony, my brother, my
+ghostly father! all the devils keep holiday, all the devils keep their
+feast to-day, man.  Pork and peas choke me if ever thou sawest such
+preparations in thy life for an infernal feast.  Dost thou see the smoke of
+hell's kitchens?  (This he said, showing him the smoke of the gunpowder
+above the ships.)  Thou never sawest so many damned souls since thou wast
+born; and so fair, so bewitching they seem, that one would swear they are
+Stygian ambrosia.  I thought at first, God forgive me! that they had been
+English souls; and I don't know but that this morning the isle of Horses,
+near Scotland, was sacked, with all the English who had surprised it, by
+the lords of Termes and Essay.
+
+Friar John, at the approach of Panurge, was entertained with a kind of
+smell that was not like that of gunpowder, nor altogether so sweet as musk;
+which made him turn Panurge about, and then he saw that his shirt was
+dismally bepawed and berayed with fresh sir-reverence.  The retentive
+faculty of the nerve which restrains the muscle called sphincter ('tis the
+arse-hole, an it please you) was relaxated by the violence of the fear
+which he had been in during his fantastic visions.  Add to this the
+thundering noise of the shooting, which seems more dreadful between decks
+than above.  Nor ought you to wonder at such a mishap; for one of the
+symptoms and accidents of fear is, that it often opens the wicket of the
+cupboard wherein second-hand meat is kept for a time.  Let's illustrate
+this noble theme with some examples.
+
+Messer Pantolfe de la Cassina of Siena, riding post from Rome, came to
+Chambery, and alighting at honest Vinet's took one of the pitchforks in the
+stable; then turning to the innkeeper, said to him, Da Roma in qua io non
+son andato del corpo.  Di gratia piglia in mano questa forcha, et fa mi
+paura.  (I have not had a stool since I left Rome.  I pray thee take this
+pitchfork and fright me.)  Vinet took it, and made several offers as if he
+would in good earnest have hit the signor, but all in vain; so the Sienese
+said to him, Si tu non fai altramente, tu non fai nulla; pero sforzati di
+adoperarli piu guagliardamente.  (If thou dost not go another way to work,
+thou hadst as good do nothing; therefore try to bestir thyself more
+briskly.)  With this, Vinet lent him such a swinging stoater with the
+pitchfork souse between the neck and the collar of his jerkin, that down
+fell signor on the ground arsyversy, with his spindle shanks wide
+straggling over his poll.  Then mine host sputtering, with a full-mouthed
+laugh, said to his guest, By Beelzebub's bumgut, much good may it do you,
+Signore Italiano.  Take notice this is datum Camberiaci, given at Chambery.
+'Twas well the Sienese had untrussed his points and let down his drawers;
+for this physic worked with him as soon as he took it, and as copious was
+the evacuation as that of nine buffaloes and fourteen missificating
+arch-lubbers.  Which operation being over, the mannerly Sienese courteously
+gave mine host a whole bushel of thanks, saying to him, Io ti ringratio, bel
+messere; cosi facendo tu m' ai esparmiata la speza d'un servitiale.  (I
+thank thee, good landlord; by this thou hast e'en saved me the expense of a
+clyster.)
+
+I'll give you another example of Edward V., King of England.  Master
+Francis Villon, being banished France, fled to him, and got so far into his
+favour as to be privy to all his household affairs.  One day the king,
+being on his close-stool, showed Villon the arms of France, and said to
+him, Dost thou see what respect I have for thy French kings?  I have none
+of their arms anywhere but in this backside, near my close-stool.
+Ods-life, said the buffoon, how wise, prudent, and careful of your health
+your highness is!  How carefully your learned doctor, Thomas Linacre, looks
+after you!  He saw that now you grow old you are inclined to be somewhat
+costive, and every day were fain to have an apothecary, I mean a suppository
+or clyster, thrust into your royal nockandroe; so he has, much to the
+purpose, induced you to place here the arms of France; for the very sight of
+them puts you into such a dreadful fright that you immediately let fly as
+much as would come from eighteen squattering bonasi of Paeonia.  And if they
+were painted in other parts of your house, by jingo, you would presently
+conskite yourself wherever you saw them.  Nay, had you but here a picture of
+the great oriflamme of France, ods-bodikins, your tripes and bowels would be
+in no small danger of dropping out at the orifice of your posteriors.  But
+henh, henh, atque iterum henh.
+
+  A silly cockney am I not,
+    As ever did from Paris come?
+  And with a rope and sliding knot
+    My neck shall know what weighs my bum.
+
+A cockney of short reach, I say, shallow of judgment and judging shallowly,
+to wonder that you should cause your points to be untrussed in your chamber
+before you come into this closet.  By'r lady, at first I thought your
+close-stool had stood behind the hangings of your bed; otherwise it seemed
+very odd to me you should untruss so far from the place of evacuation.  But
+now I find I was a gull, a wittol, a woodcock, a mere ninny, a dolt-head, a
+noddy, a changeling, a calf-lolly, a doddipoll.  You do wisely, by the
+mass, you do wisely; for had you not been ready to clap your hind face on
+the mustard-pot as soon as you came within sight of these arms--mark ye me,
+cop's body--the bottom of your breeches had supplied the office of a
+close-stool.
+
+Friar John, stopping the handle of his face with his left hand, did, with
+the forefinger of the right, point out Panurge's shirt to Pantagruel, who,
+seeing him in this pickle, scared, appalled, shivering, raving, staring,
+berayed, and torn with the claws of the famous cat Rodilardus, could not
+choose but laugh, and said to him, Prithee what wouldst thou do with this
+cat?  With this cat? quoth Panurge; the devil scratch me if I did not think
+it had been a young soft-chinned devil, which, with this same stocking
+instead of mitten, I had snatched up in the great hutch of hell as
+thievishly as any sizar of Montague college could have done.  The devil
+take Tybert!  I feel it has all bepinked my poor hide, and drawn on it to
+the life I don't know how many lobsters' whiskers.  With this he threw his
+boar-cat down.
+
+Go, go, said Pantagruel, be bathed and cleaned, calm your fears, put on a
+clean shift, and then your clothes.  What! do you think I am afraid? cried
+Panurge.  Not I, I protest.  By the testicles of Hercules, I am more
+hearty, bold, and stout, though I say it that should not, than if I had
+swallowed as many flies as are put into plumcakes and other paste at Paris
+from Midsummer to Christmas.  But what's this?  Hah! oh, ho! how the devil
+came I by this?  Do you call this what the cat left in the malt, filth,
+dirt, dung, dejection, faecal matter, excrement, stercoration,
+sir-reverence, ordure, second-hand meats, fumets, stronts, scybal, or
+spyrathe? 'Tis Hibernian saffron, I protest.  Hah, hah, hah! 'tis Irish
+saffron, by Shaint Pautrick, and so much for this time.  Selah.  Let's
+drink.
+
+
+
+THE FIFTH BOOK
+
+
+The Author's Prologue.
+
+Indefatigable topers, and you, thrice precious martyrs of the smock, give
+me leave to put a serious question to your worships while you are idly
+striking your codpieces, and I myself not much better employed.  Pray, why
+is it that people say that men are not such sots nowadays as they were in
+the days of yore?  Sot is an old word that signifies a dunce, dullard,
+jolthead, gull, wittol, or noddy, one without guts in his brains, whose
+cockloft is unfurnished, and, in short, a fool.  Now would I know whether
+you would have us understand by this same saying, as indeed you logically
+may, that formerly men were fools and in this generation are grown wise?
+How many and what dispositions made them fools?  How many and what
+dispositions were wanting to make 'em wise?  Why were they fools?  How
+should they be wise?  Pray, how came you to know that men were formerly
+fools?  How did you find that they are now wise?  Who the devil made 'em
+fools?  Who a God's name made 'em wise?  Who d'ye think are most, those
+that loved mankind foolish, or those that love it wise?  How long has it
+been wise?  How long otherwise?  Whence proceeded the foregoing folly?
+Whence the following wisdom?  Why did the old folly end now, and no later?
+Why did the modern wisdom begin now, and no sooner?  What were we the worse
+for the former folly?  What the better for the succeeding wisdom?  How
+should the ancient folly be come to nothing?  How should this same new
+wisdom be started up and established?
+
+Now answer me, an't please you.  I dare not adjure you in stronger terms,
+reverend sirs, lest I make your pious fatherly worships in the least
+uneasy.  Come, pluck up a good heart; speak the truth and shame the devil.
+Be cheery, my lads; and if you are for me, take me off three or five
+bumpers of the best, while I make a halt at the first part of the sermon;
+then answer my question.  If you are not for me, avaunt! avoid, Satan!  For
+I swear by my great-grandmother's placket (and that's a horrid oath), that
+if you don't help me to solve that puzzling problem, I will, nay, I already
+do repent having proposed it; for still I must remain nettled and
+gravelled, and a devil a bit I know how to get off.  Well, what say you?
+I'faith, I begin to smell you out.  You are not yet disposed to give me an
+answer; nor I neither, by these whiskers.  Yet to give some light into the
+business, I'll e'en tell you what had been anciently foretold in the matter
+by a venerable doctor, who, being moved by the spirit in a prophetic vein,
+wrote a book ycleped the Prelatical Bagpipe.  What d'ye think the old
+fornicator saith?  Hearken, you old noddies, hearken now or never.
+
+  The jubilee's year, when all like fools were shorn,
+  Is about thirty supernumerary.
+  O want of veneration! fools they seemed,
+  But, persevering, with long breves, at last
+  No more they shall be gaping greedy fools.
+  For they shall shell the shrub's delicious fruit,
+  Whose flower they in the spring so much had feared.
+
+Now you have it, what do you make on't?  The seer is ancient, the style
+laconic, the sentences dark like those of Scotus, though they treat of
+matters dark enough in themselves.  The best commentators on that good
+father take the jubilee after the thirtieth to be the years that are
+included in this present age till 1550 (there being but one jubilee every
+fifty years).  Men shall no longer be thought fools next green peas season.
+
+The fools, whose number, as Solomon certifies, is infinite, shall go to pot
+like a parcel of mad bedlamites as they are; and all manner of folly shall
+have an end, that being also numberless, according to Avicenna, maniae
+infinitae sunt species.  Having been driven back and hidden towards the
+centre during the rigour of the winter, 'tis now to be seen on the surface,
+and buds out like the trees.  This is as plain as a nose in a man's face;
+you know it by experience; you see it.  And it was formerly found out by
+that great good man Hippocrates, Aphorism Verae etenim maniae, &c.  This
+world therefore wisifying itself, shall no longer dread the flower and
+blossoms of every coming spring, that is, as you may piously believe,
+bumper in hand and tears in eyes, in the woeful time of Lent, which used to
+keep them company.
+
+Whole cartloads of books that seemed florid, flourishing, and flowery, gay,
+and gaudy as so many butterflies, but in the main were tiresome, dull,
+soporiferous, irksome, mischievous, crabbed, knotty, puzzling, and dark as
+those of whining Heraclitus, as unintelligible as the numbers of
+Pythagoras, that king of the bean, according to Horace; those books, I say,
+have seen their best days and shall soon come to nothing, being delivered
+to the executing worms and merciless petty chandlers; such was their
+destiny, and to this they were predestinated.
+
+In their stead beans in cod are started up; that is, these merry and
+fructifying Pantagruelian books, so much sought nowadays in expectation of
+the following jubilee's period; to the study of which writings all people
+have given their minds, and accordingly have gained the name of wise.
+
+Now I think I have fairly solved and resolved your problem; then reform,
+and be the better for it.  Hem once or twice like hearts of oak; stand to
+your pan-puddings, and take me off your bumpers, nine go-downs, and huzza!
+since we are like to have a good vintage, and misers hang themselves.  Oh!
+they will cost me an estate in hempen collars if fair weather hold.  For I
+hereby promise to furnish them with twice as much as will do their business
+on free cost, as often as they will take the pains to dance at a rope's end
+providently to save charges, to the no small disappointment of the finisher
+of the law.
+
+Now, my friends, that you may put in for a share of this new wisdom, and
+shake off the antiquated folly this very moment, scratch me out of your
+scrolls and quite discard the symbol of the old philosopher with the golden
+thigh, by which he has forbidden you to eat beans; for you may take it for
+a truth granted among all professors in the science of good eating, that he
+enjoined you not to taste of them only with the same kind intent that a
+certain fresh-water physician had when he did forbid to Amer, late Lord of
+Camelotiere, kinsman to the lawyer of that name, the wing of the partridge,
+the rump of the chicken, and the neck of the pigeon, saying, Ala mala,
+rumpum dubium, collum bonum, pelle remota.  For the duncical dog-leech was
+so selfish as to reserve them for his own dainty chops, and allowed his
+poor patients little more than the bare bones to pick, lest they should
+overload their squeamish stomachs.
+
+To the heathen philosopher succeeded a pack of Capuchins, monks who forbid
+us the use of beans, that is, Pantagruelian books.  They seem to follow the
+example of Philoxenus and Gnatho, one of whom was a Sicilian of fulsome
+memory, the ancient master-builders of their monastic cram-gut
+voluptuousness, who, when some dainty bit was served up at a feast,
+filthily used to spit on it, that none but their nasty selves might have
+the stomach to eat of it, though their liquorish chops watered never so
+much after it.
+
+So those hideous, snotty, phthisicky, eaves-dropping, musty, moving forms
+of mortification, both in public and private, curse those dainty books, and
+like toads spit their venom upon them.
+
+Now, though we have in our mother-tongue several excellent works in verse
+and prose, and, heaven be praised! but little left of the trash and
+trumpery stuff of those duncical mumblers of ave-maries and the barbarous
+foregoing Gothic age, I have made bold to choose to chirrup and warble my
+plain ditty, or, as they say, to whistle like a goose among the swans,
+rather than be thought deaf among so many pretty poets and eloquent
+orators.  And thus I am prouder of acting the clown, or any other
+under-part, among the many ingenious actors in that noble play, than of
+herding among those mutes, who, like so many shadows and ciphers, only serve
+to fill up the house and make up a number, gaping and yawning at the flies,
+and pricking up their lugs, like so many Arcadian asses, at the striking up
+of the music; thus silently giving to understand that their fopships are
+tickled in the right place.
+
+Having taken this resolution, I thought it would not be amiss to move my
+Diogenical tub, that you might not accuse me of living without example.  I
+see a swarm of our modern poets and orators, your Colinets, Marots,
+Drouets, Saint Gelais, Salels, Masuels, and many more, who, having
+commenced masters in Apollo's academy on Mount Parnassus, and drunk
+brimmers at the Caballin fountain among the nine merry Muses, have raised
+our vulgar tongue, and made it a noble and everlasting structure.  Their
+works are all Parian marble, alabaster, porphyry, and royal cement; they
+treat of nothing but heroic deeds, mighty things, grave and difficult
+matters, and this in a crimson, alamode, rhetorical style.  Their writings
+are all divine nectar, rich, racy, sparkling, delicate, and luscious wine.
+Nor does our sex wholly engross this honour; ladies have had their share of
+the glory; one of them, of the royal blood of France, whom it were a
+profanation but to name here, surprises the age at once by the transcendent
+and inventive genius in her writings and the admirable graces of her style.
+Imitate those great examples if you can; for my part I cannot.  Everyone,
+you know, cannot go to Corinth.  When Solomon built the temple, all could
+not give gold by handfuls.
+
+Since then 'tis not in my power to improve our architecture as much as
+they, I am e'en resolved to do like Renault of Montauban:  I'll wait on the
+masons, set on the pot for the masons, cook for the stone-cutters; and
+since it was not my good luck to be cut out for one of them, I will live
+and die the admirer of their divine writings.
+
+As for you, little envious prigs, snarling bastards, puny critics, you'll
+soon have railed your last; go hang yourselves, and choose you out some
+well-spread oak, under whose shade you may swing in state, to the
+admiration of the gaping mob; you shall never want rope enough.  While I
+here solemnly protest before my Helicon, in the presence of my nine
+mistresses the Muses, that if I live yet the age of a dog, eked out with
+that of three crows, sound wind and limbs, like the old Hebrew captain
+Moses, Xenophilus the musician, and Demonax the philosopher, by arguments
+no ways impertinent, and reasons not to be disputed, I will prove, in the
+teeth of a parcel of brokers and retailers of ancient rhapsodies and such
+mouldy trash, that our vulgar tongue is not so mean, silly, inept, poor,
+barren, and contemptible as they pretend.  Nor ought I to be afraid of I
+know not what botchers of old threadbare stuff, a hundred and a hundred
+times clouted up and pieced together; wretched bunglers that can do nothing
+but new-vamp old rusty saws; beggarly scavengers that rake even the
+muddiest canals of antiquity for scraps and bits of Latin as insignificant
+as they are often uncertain.  Beseeching our grandees of Witland that, as
+when formerly Apollo had distributed all the treasures of his poetical
+exchequer to his favourites, little hulchbacked Aesop got for himself the
+office of apologue-monger; in the same manner, since I do not aspire
+higher, they would not deny me that of puny rhyparographer, or riffraff
+follower of the sect of Pyreicus.
+
+I dare swear they will grant me this; for they are all so kind, so
+good-natured, and so generous, that they'll ne'er boggle at so small a
+request. Therefore, both dry and hungry souls, pot and trenchermen, fully
+enjoying those books, perusing, quoting them in their merry conventicles,
+and observing the great mysteries of which they treat, shall gain a singular
+profit and fame; as in the like case was done by Alexander the Great with
+the books of prime philosophy composed by Aristotle.
+
+O rare! belly on belly! what swillers, what twisters will there be!
+
+Then be sure all you that take care not to die of the pip, be sure, I say,
+you take my advice, and stock yourselves with good store of such books as
+soon as you meet with them at the booksellers; and do not only shell those
+beans, but e'en swallow them down like an opiate cordial, and let them be
+in you; I say, let them be within you; then you shall find, my beloved,
+what good they do to all clever shellers of beans.
+
+Here is a good handsome basketful of them, which I here lay before your
+worships; they were gathered in the very individual garden whence the
+former came.  So I beseech you, reverend sirs, with as much respect as was
+ever paid by dedicating author, to accept of the gift, in hopes of somewhat
+better against next visit the swallows give us.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE FIFTH BOOK.
+
+
+Chapter 5.I.
+
+How Pantagruel arrived at the Ringing Island, and of the noise that we
+heard.
+
+Pursuing our voyage, we sailed three days without discovering anything; on
+the fourth we made land.  Our pilot told us that it was the Ringing Island,
+and indeed we heard a kind of a confused and often repeated noise, that
+seemed to us at a great distance not unlike the sound of great,
+middle-sized, and little bells rung all at once, as 'tis customary at Paris,
+Tours, Gergeau, Nantes, and elsewhere on high holidays; and the nearer we
+came to the land the louder we heard that jangling.
+
+Some of us doubted that it was the Dodonian kettle, or the portico called
+Heptaphone in Olympia, or the eternal humming of the colossus raised on
+Memnon's tomb in Thebes of Egypt, or the horrid din that used formerly to
+be heard about a tomb at Lipara, one of the Aeolian islands.  But this did
+not square with chorography.
+
+I do not know, said Pantagruel, but that some swarms of bees hereabouts may
+be taking a ramble in the air, and so the neighbourhood make this
+dingle-dangle with pans, kettles, and basins, the corybantine cymbals of
+Cybele, grandmother of the gods, to call them back.  Let's hearken.  When we
+were nearer, among the everlasting ringing of these indefatigable bells we
+heard the singing, as we thought, of some men.  For this reason, before we
+offered to land on the Ringing Island, Pantagruel was of opinion that we
+should go in the pinnace to a small rock, near which we discovered an
+hermitage and a little garden.  There we found a diminutive old hermit,
+whose name was Braguibus, born at Glenay.  He gave us a full account of all
+the jangling, and regaled us after a strange sort of fashion--four livelong
+days did he make us fast, assuring us that we should not be admitted into
+the Ringing Island otherwise, because it was then one of the four fasting,
+or ember weeks.  As I love my belly, quoth Panurge, I by no means understand
+this riddle.  Methinks this should rather be one of the four windy weeks;
+for while we fast we are only puffed up with wind.  Pray now, good father
+hermit, have not you here some other pastime besides fasting? Methinks it is
+somewhat of the leanest; we might well enough be without so many palace
+holidays and those fasting times of yours.  In my Donatus, quoth Friar John,
+I could find yet but three times or tenses, the preterit, the present, and
+the future; doubtless here the fourth ought to be a work of supererogation.
+That time or tense, said Epistemon, is aorist, derived from the
+preter-imperfect tense of the Greeks, admitted in war (?) and odd cases.
+Patience perforce is a remedy for a mad dog.  Saith the hermit:  It is, as I
+told you, fatal to go against this; whosoever does it is a rank heretic, and
+wants nothing but fire and faggot, that's certain.  To deal plainly with
+you, my dear pater, cried Panurge, being at sea, I much more fear being wet
+than being warm, and being drowned than being burned.
+
+Well, however, let us fast, a God's name; yet I have fasted so long that it
+has quite undermined my flesh, and I fear that at last the bastions of this
+bodily fort of mine will fall to ruin.  Besides, I am much more afraid of
+vexing you in this same trade of fasting; for the devil a bit I understand
+anything in it, and it becomes me very scurvily, as several people have
+told me, and I am apt to believe them.  For my part, I have no great
+stomach to fasting; for alas! it is as easy as pissing a bed, and a trade
+of which anybody may set up; there needs no tools.  I am much more inclined
+not to fast for the future; for to do so there is some stock required, and
+some tools are set a-work.  No matter, since you are so steadfast, and
+would have us fast, let us fast as fast as we can, and then breakfast in
+the name of famine.  Now we are come to these esurial idle days.  I vow I
+had quite put them out of my head long ago.  If we must fast, said
+Pantagruel, I see no other remedy but to get rid of it as soon as we can,
+as we would out of a bad way.  I'll in that space of time somewhat look
+over my papers, and examine whether the marine study be as good as ours at
+land.  For Plato, to describe a silly, raw, ignorant fellow, compares him
+to those that are bred on shipboard, as we would do one bred up in a
+barrel, who never saw anything but through the bung-hole.
+
+To tell you the short and the long of the matter, our fasting was most
+hideous and terrible; for the first day we fasted on fisticuffs, the second
+at cudgels, the third at sharps, and the fourth at blood and wounds:  such
+was the order of the fairies.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.II.
+
+How the Ringing Island had been inhabited by the Siticines, who were become
+birds.
+
+Having fasted as aforesaid, the hermit gave us a letter for one whom he
+called Albian Camar, Master Aedituus of the Ringing Island; but Panurge
+greeting him called him Master Antitus.  He was a little queer old fellow,
+bald-pated, with a snout whereat you might easily have lighted a
+card-match, and a phiz as red as a cardinal's cap.  He made us all very
+welcome, upon the hermit's recommendation, hearing that we had fasted, as I
+have told you.
+
+When we had well stuffed our puddings, he gave us an account of what was
+remarkable in the island, affirming that it had been at first inhabited by
+the Siticines; but that, according to the course of nature--as all things,
+you know, are subject to change--they were become birds.
+
+There I had a full account of all that Atteius Capito, Paulus, Marcellus,
+A. Gellius, Athenaeus, Suidas, Ammonius, and others had writ of the
+Siticines and Sicinnists; and then we thought we might as easily believe
+the transmutations of Nectymene, Progne, Itys, Alcyone, Antigone, Tereus,
+and other birds.  Nor did we think it more reasonable to doubt of the
+transmogrification of the Macrobian children into swans, or that of the men
+of Pallene in Thrace into birds, as soon as they had bathed themselves in
+the Tritonic lake.  After this the devil a word could we get out of him but
+of birds and cages.
+
+The cages were spacious, costly, magnificent, and of an admirable
+architecture.  The birds were large, fine, and neat accordingly, looking as
+like the men in my country as one pea does like another; for they ate and
+drank like men, muted like men, endued or digested like men, farted like
+men, but stunk like devils; slept, billed, and trod their females like men,
+but somewhat oftener:  in short, had you seen and examined them from top to
+toe, you would have laid your head to a turnip that they had been mere men.
+However, they were nothing less, as Master Aedituus told us; assuring us,
+at the same time, that they were neither secular nor laic; and the truth
+is, the diversity of their feathers and plumes did not a little puzzle us.
+
+Some of them were all over as white as swans, others as black as crows,
+many as grey as owls, others black and white like magpies, some all red
+like red-birds, and others purple and white like some pigeons.  He called
+the males clerg-hawks, monk-hawks, priest-hawks, abbot-hawks, bish-hawks,
+cardin-hawks, and one pope-hawk, who is a species by himself.  He called
+the females clerg-kites, nun-kites, priest-kites, abbess-kites, bish-kites,
+cardin-kites, and pope-kites.
+
+However, said he, as hornets and drones will get among the bees, and there
+do nothing but buzz, eat, and spoil everything; so, for these last three
+hundred years, a vast swarm of bigottelloes flocked, I do not know how,
+among these goodly birds every fifth full moon, and have bemuted, berayed,
+and conskited the whole island.  They are so hard-favoured and monstrous
+that none can abide them.  For their wry necks make a figure like a crooked
+billet; their paws are hairy, like those of rough-footed pigeons; their
+claws and pounces, belly and breech, like those of the Stymphalid harpies.
+Nor is it possible to root them out, for if you get rid of one, straight
+four-and-twenty new ones fly thither.
+
+There had been need of another monster-hunter such as was Hercules; for
+Friar John had like to have run distracted about it, so much he was nettled
+and puzzled in the matter.  As for the good Pantagruel, he was even served
+as was Messer Priapus, contemplating the sacrifices of Ceres, for want of
+skin.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.III.
+
+How there is but one pope-hawk in the Ringing Island.
+
+We then asked Master Aedituus why there was but one pope-hawk among such
+venerable birds multiplied in all their species.  He answered that such was
+the first institution and fatal destiny of the stars that the clerg-hawks
+begot the priest-hawks and monk-hawks without carnal copulation, as some
+bees are born of a young bull; the priest-hawks begat the bish-hawks, the
+bish-hawks the stately cardin-hawks, and the stately cardin-hawks, if they
+live long enough, at last come to be pope-hawk.
+
+Of this last kind there never is more than one at a time, as in a beehive
+there is but one king, and in the world is but one sun.
+
+When the pope-hawk dies, another arises in his stead out of the whole brood
+of cardin-hawks, that is, as you must understand it all along, without
+carnal copulation.  So that there is in that species an individual unity,
+with a perpetuity of succession, neither more or less than in the Arabian
+phoenix.
+
+'Tis true that, about two thousand seven hundred and sixty moons ago, two
+pope-hawks were seen upon the face of the earth; but then you never saw in
+your lives such a woeful rout and hurly-burly as was all over this island.
+For all these same birds did so peck, clapperclaw, and maul one another all
+that time, that there was the devil and all to do, and the island was in a
+fair way of being left without inhabitants.  Some stood up for this
+pope-hawk, some for t'other.  Some, struck with a dumbness, were as mute as
+so many fishes; the devil a note was to be got out of them; part of the
+merry bells here were as silent as if they had lost their tongues, I mean
+their clappers.
+
+During these troublesome times they called to their assistance the
+emperors, kings, dukes, earls, barons, and commonwealths of the world that
+live on t'other side the water; nor was this schism and sedition at an end
+till one of them died, and the plurality was reduced to a unity.
+
+We then asked what moved those birds to be thus continually chanting and
+singing.  He answered that it was the bells that hung on the top of their
+cages.  Then he said to us, Will you have me make these monk-hawks whom you
+see bardocuculated with a bag such as you use to still brandy, sing like
+any woodlarks?  Pray do, said we.  He then gave half-a-dozen pulls to a
+little rope, which caused a diminutive bell to give so many ting-tangs; and
+presently a parcel of monk-hawks ran to him as if the devil had drove 'em,
+and fell a-singing like mad.
+
+Pray, master, cried Panurge, if I also rang this bell could I make those
+other birds yonder, with red-herring-coloured feathers, sing?  Ay, marry
+would you, returned Aedituus.  With this Panurge hanged himself (by the
+hands, I mean) at the bell-rope's end, and no sooner made it speak but
+those smoked birds hied them thither and began to lift up their voices and
+make a sort of untowardly hoarse noise, which I grudge to call singing.
+Aedituus indeed told us that they fed on nothing but fish, like the herns
+and cormorants of the world, and that they were a fifth kind of cucullati
+newly stamped.
+
+He added that he had been told by Robert Valbringue, who lately passed that
+way in his return from Africa, that a sixth kind was to fly hither out of
+hand, which he called capus-hawks, more grum, vinegar-faced, brain-sick,
+froward, and loathsome than any kind whatsoever in the whole island.
+Africa, said Pantagruel, still uses to produce some new and monstrous
+thing.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.IV.
+
+How the birds of the Ringing Island were all passengers.
+
+Since you have told us, said Pantagruel, how the pope-hawk is begot by the
+cardin-hawks, the cardin-hawks by the bish-hawks, and the bish-hawks by the
+priest-hawks, and the priest-hawks by the clerg-hawks, I would gladly know
+whence you have these same clerg-hawks.  They are all of them passengers,
+or travelling birds, returned Aedituus, and come hither from t'other world;
+part out of a vast country called Want-o'-bread, the rest out of another
+toward the west, which they style Too-many-of-'em.  From these two
+countries flock hither, every year, whole legions of these clerg-hawks,
+leaving their fathers, mothers, friends, and relations.
+
+This happens when there are too many children, whether male or female, in
+some good family of the latter country; insomuch that the house would come
+to nothing if the paternal estate were shared among them all (as reason
+requires, nature directs, and God commands).  For this cause parents use to
+rid themselves of that inconveniency by packing off the younger fry, and
+forcing them to seek their fortune in this isle Bossart (Crooked Island).
+I suppose he means L'Isle Bouchart, near Chinon, cried Panurge.  No,
+replied t'other, I mean Bossart (Crooked), for there is not one in ten
+among them but is either crooked, crippled, blinking, limping,
+ill-favoured, deformed, or an unprofitable load to the earth.
+
+'Twas quite otherwise among the heathens, said Pantagruel, when they used
+to receive a maiden among the number of vestals; for Leo Antistius affirms
+that it was absolutely forbidden to admit a virgin into that order if she
+had any vice in her soul or defect in her body, though it were but the
+smallest spot on any part of it.  I can hardly believe, continued Aedituus,
+that their dams on t'other side the water go nine months with them; for
+they cannot endure them nine years, nay, scarce seven sometimes, in the
+house, but by putting only a shirt over the other clothes of the young
+urchins, and lopping off I don't well know how many hairs from their
+crowns, mumbling certain apostrophized and expiatory words, they visibly,
+openly, and plainly, by a Pythagorical metempsychosis, without the least
+hurt, transmogrify them into such birds as you now see; much after the
+fashion of the Egyptian heathens, who used to constitute their isiacs by
+shaving them and making them put on certain linostoles, or surplices.
+However, I don't know, my good friends, but that these she-things, whether
+clerg-kites, monk-kites, and abbess-kites, instead of singing pleasant
+verses and charisteres, such as used to be sung to Oromasis by Zoroaster's
+institution, may be bellowing out such catarates and scythropys (cursed
+lamentable and wretched imprecations) as were usually offered to the
+Arimanian demon; being thus in devotion for their kind friends and
+relations that transformed them into birds, whether when they were maids,
+or thornbacks, in their prime, or at their last prayers.
+
+But the greatest numbers of our birds came out of Want-o'-bread, which,
+though a barren country, where the days are of a most tedious lingering
+length, overstocks this whole island with the lower class of birds.  For
+hither fly the asapheis that inhabit that land, either when they are in
+danger of passing their time scurvily for want of belly-timber, being
+unable, or, what's more likely, unwilling to take heart of grace and follow
+some honest lawful calling, or too proud-hearted and lazy to go to service
+in some sober family.  The same is done by your frantic inamoradoes, who,
+when crossed in their wild desires, grow stark staring mad, and choose this
+life suggested to them by their despair, too cowardly to make them swing,
+like their brother Iphis of doleful memory.  There is another sort, that
+is, your gaol-birds, who, having done some rogue's trick or other heinous
+villainy, and being sought up and down to be trussed up and made to ride
+the two or three-legged mare that groans for them, warily scour off and
+come here to save their bacon; because all these sorts of birds are here
+provided for, and grow in an instant as fat as hogs, though they came as
+lean as rakes; for having the benefit of the clergy, they are as safe as
+thieves in a mill within this sanctuary.
+
+But, asked Pantagruel, do these birds never return to the world where they
+were hatched?  Some do, answered Aedituus; formerly very few, very seldom,
+very late, and very unwillingly; however, since some certain eclipses, by
+the virtue of the celestial constellations, a great crowd of them fled back
+to the world.  Nor do we fret or vex ourselves a jot about it; for those
+that stay wisely sing, The fewer the better cheer; and all those that fly
+away, first cast off their feathers here among these nettles and briars.
+
+Accordingly we found some thrown by there; and as we looked up and down, we
+chanced to light on what some people will hardly thank us for having
+discovered; and thereby hangs a tale.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.V.
+
+Of the dumb Knight-hawks of the Ringing Island.
+
+These words were scarce out of his mouth when some five-and-twenty or
+thirty birds flew towards us; they were of a hue and feather like which we
+had not seen anything in the whole island.  Their plumes were as changeable
+as the skin of the chameleon, and the flower of tripolion, or teucrion.
+They had all under the left wing a mark like two diameters dividing a
+circle into equal parts, or, if you had rather have it so, like a
+perpendicular line falling on a right line.  The marks which each of them
+bore were much of the same shape, but of different colours; for some were
+white, others green, some red, others purple, and some blue.  Who are
+those? asked Panurge; and how do you call them?  They are mongrels, quoth
+Aedituus.
+
+We call them knight-hawks, and they have a great number of rich
+commanderies (fat livings) in your world.  Good your worship, said I, make
+them give us a song, an't please you, that we may know how they sing.  They
+scorn your words, cried Aedituus; they are none of your singing-birds; but,
+to make amends, they feed as much as the best two of them all.  Pray where
+are their hens? where are their females? said I.  They have none, answered
+Aedituus.  How comes it to pass then, asked Panurge, that they are thus
+bescabbed, bescurfed, all embroidered o'er the phiz with carbuncles,
+pushes, and pock-royals, some of which undermine the handles of their
+faces?  This same fashionable and illustrious disease, quoth Aedituus, is
+common among that kind of birds, because they are pretty apt to be tossed
+on the salt deep.
+
+He then acquainted us with the occasion of their coming.  This next to us,
+said he, looks so wistfully upon you to see whether he may not find among
+your company a stately gaudy kind of huge dreadful birds of prey, which yet
+are so untoward that they ne'er could be brought to the lure nor to perch
+on the glove.  They tell us that there are such in your world, and that
+some of them have goodly garters below the knee with an inscription about
+them which condemns him (qui mal y pense) who shall think ill of it to be
+berayed and conskited.  Others are said to wear the devil in a string
+before their paunches; and others a ram's skin.  All that's true enough,
+good Master Aedituus, quoth Panurge; but we have not the honour to be
+acquainted with their knightships.
+
+Come on, cried Aedituus in a merry mood, we have had chat enough o'
+conscience! let's e'en go drink.  And eat, quoth Panurge.  Eat, replied
+Aedituus, and drink bravely, old boy; twist like plough-jobbers and swill
+like tinkers.  Pull away and save tide, for nothing is so dear and precious
+as time; therefore we will be sure to put it to a good use.
+
+He would fain have carried us first to bathe in the bagnios of the
+cardin-hawks, which are goodly delicious places, and have us licked over
+with precious ointments by the alyptes, alias rubbers, as soon as we should
+come out of the bath.  But Pantagruel told him that he could drink but too
+much without that.  He then led us into a spacious delicate refectory, or
+fratery-room, and told us:  Braguibus the hermit made you fast four days
+together; now, contrariwise, I'll make you eat and drink of the best four
+days through stitch before you budge from this place.  But hark ye me, cried
+Panurge, may not we take a nap in the mean time?  Ay, ay, answered Aedituus;
+that is as you shall think good; for he that sleeps, drinks. Good Lord! how
+we lived! what good bub! what dainty cheer!  O what a honest cod was this
+same Aedituus!
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.VI.
+
+How the birds are crammed in the Ringing Island.
+
+Pantagruel looked I don't know howish, and seemed not very well pleased
+with the four days' junketting which Aedituus enjoined us.  Aedituus, who
+soon found it out, said to him, You know, sir, that seven days before
+winter, and seven days after, there is no storm at sea; for then the
+elements are still out of respect for the halcyons, or king-fishers, birds
+sacred to Thetis, which then lay their eggs and hatch their young near the
+shore.  Now here the sea makes itself amends for this long calm; and
+whenever any foreigners come hither it grows boisterous and stormy for four
+days together.  We can give no other reason for it but that it is a piece
+of its civility, that those who come among us may stay whether they will or
+no, and be copiously feasted all the while with the incomes of the ringing.
+Therefore pray don't think your time lost; for, willing, nilling, you'll be
+forced to stay, unless you are resolved to encounter Juno, Neptune, Doris,
+Aeolus, and his fluster-busters, and, in short, all the pack of ill-natured
+left-handed godlings and vejoves.  Do but resolve to be cheery, and fall-to
+briskly.
+
+After we had pretty well stayed our stomachs with some tight snatches,
+Friar John said to Aedituus, For aught I see, you have none but a parcel of
+birds and cages in this island of yours, and the devil a bit of one of them
+all that sets his hand to the plough, or tills the land whose fat he
+devours; their whole business is to be frolic, to chirp it, to whistle it,
+to warble it, tossing it, and roar it merrily night and day.  Pray then, if
+I may be so bold, whence comes this plenty and overflowing of all dainty
+bits and good things which we see among you?  From all the other world,
+returned Aedituus, if you except some part of the northern regions, who of
+late years have stirred up the jakes.  Mum! they may chance ere long to rue
+the day they did so; their cows shall have porridge, and their dogs oats;
+there will be work made among them, that there will.  Come, a fig for't,
+let's drink.  But pray what countrymen are you?  Touraine is our country,
+answered Panurge.  Cod so, cried Aedituus, you were not then hatched of an
+ill bird, I will say that for you, since the blessed Touraine is your
+mother; for from thence there comes hither every year such a vast store of
+good things, that we were told by some folks of the place that happened to
+touch at this island, that your Duke of Touraine's income will not afford
+him to eat his bellyful of beans and bacon (a good dish spoiled between
+Moses and Pythagoras) because his predecessors have been more than liberal
+to these most holy birds of ours, that we might here munch it, twist it,
+cram it, gorge it, craw it, riot it, junket it, and tickle it off, stuffing
+our puddings with dainty pheasants, partridges, pullets with eggs, fat
+capons of Loudunois, and all sorts of venison and wild fowl.  Come, box it
+about; tope on, my friends.  Pray do you see yon jolly birds that are
+perched together, how fat, how plump, and in good case they look, with the
+income that Touraine yields us!  And in faith they sing rarely for their
+good founders, that is the truth on't.  You never saw any Arcadian birds
+mumble more fairly than they do over a dish when they see these two gilt
+batons, or when I ring for them those great bells that you see above their
+cages.  Drink on, sirs, whip it away.  Verily, friends, 'tis very fine
+drinking to-day, and so 'tis every day o' the week; then drink on, toss it
+about, here's to you with all my soul.  You are most heartily welcome;
+never spare it, I pray you; fear not we should ever want good bub and
+belly-timber; for, look here, though the sky were of brass, and the earth
+of iron, we should not want wherewithal to stuff the gut, though they were
+to continue so seven or eight years longer than the famine in Egypt.  Let
+us then, with brotherly love and charity, refresh ourselves here with the
+creature.
+
+Woons, man, cried Panurge, what a rare time you have on't in this world!
+Psha, returned Aedituus, this is nothing to what we shall have in t'other;
+the Elysian fields will be the least that can fall to our lot.  Come, in
+the meantime let us drink here; come, here's to thee, old fuddlecap.
+
+Your first Siticines, said I, were superlatively wise in devising thus a
+means for you to compass whatever all men naturally covet so much, and so
+few, or, to speak more properly, none can enjoy together--I mean, a
+paradise in this life, and another in the next.  Sure you were born wrapt
+in your mother's smickets!  O happy creatures!  O more than men!  Would I
+had the luck to fare like you!  (Motteux inserts Chapter XVI. after Chapter
+VI.)
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.VII.
+
+How Panurge related to Master Aedituus the fable of the horse and the ass.
+
+When we had crammed and crammed again, Aedituus took us into a chamber that
+was well furnished, hung with tapestry, and finely gilt.  Thither he caused
+to be brought store of mirobolans, cashou, green ginger preserved, with
+plenty of hippocras, and delicious wine.  With those antidotes, that were
+like a sweet Lethe, he invited us to forget the hardships of our voyage;
+and at the same time he sent plenty of provisions on board our ship that
+rid in the harbour.  After this, we e'en jogged to bed for that night; but
+the devil a bit poor pilgarlic could sleep one wink--the everlasting
+jingle-jangle of the bells kept me awake whether I would or no.
+
+About midnight Aedituus came to wake us that we might drink.  He himself
+showed us the way, saying:  You men of t'other world say that ignorance is
+the mother of all evil, and so far you are right; yet for all that you do
+not take the least care to get rid of it, but still plod on, and live in
+it, with it, and by it; for which a plaguy deal of mischief lights on you
+every day, and you are right enough served--you are perpetually ailing
+somewhat, making a moan, and never right.  It is what I was ruminating upon
+just now.  And, indeed, ignorance keeps you here fastened in bed, just as
+that bully-rock Mars was detained by Vulcan's art; for all the while you do
+not mind that you ought to spare some of your rest, and be as lavish as you
+can of the goods of this famous island.  Come, come, you should have eaten
+three breakfasts already; and take this from me for a certain truth, that
+if you would consume the mouth-ammunition of this island, you must rise
+betimes; eat them, they multiply; spare them, they diminish.
+
+For example, mow a field in due season, and the grass will grow thicker and
+better; don't mow it, and in a short time 'twill be floored with moss.
+Let's drink, and drink again, my friends; come, let's all carouse it.  The
+leanest of our birds are now singing to us all; we'll drink to them, if you
+please.  Let's take off one, two, three, nine bumpers.  Non zelus, sed
+caritas.
+
+When day, peeping in the east, made the sky turn from black to red like a
+boiling lobster, he waked us again to take a dish of monastical brewis.
+From that time we made but one meal, that only lasted the whole day; so
+that I cannot well tell how I may call it, whether dinner, supper,
+nunchion, or after-supper; only, to get a stomach, we took a turn or two in
+the island, to see and hear the blessed singing-birds.
+
+At night Panurge said to Aedituus:  Give me leave, sweet sir, to tell you a
+merry story of something that happened some three and twenty moons ago in
+the country of Chastelleraud.
+
+One day in April, a certain gentleman's groom, Roger by name, was walking
+his master's horses in some fallow ground.  There 'twas his good fortune to
+find a pretty shepherdess feeding her bleating sheep and harmless lambkins
+on the brow of a neighbouring mountain, in the shade of an adjacent grove;
+near her, some frisking kids tripped it over a green carpet of nature's own
+spreading, and, to complete the landscape, there stood an ass.  Roger, who
+was a wag, had a dish of chat with her, and after some ifs, ands, and buts,
+hems and heighs on her side, got her in the mind to get up behind him, to
+go and see his stable, and there take a bit by the bye in a civil way.
+While they were holding a parley, the horse, directing his discourse to the
+ass (for all brute beasts spoke that year in divers places), whispered
+these words in his ear:  Poor ass, how I pity thee! thou slavest like any
+hack, I read it on thy crupper.  Thou dost well, however, since God has
+created thee to serve mankind; thou art a very honest ass, but not to be
+better rubbed down, currycombed, trapped, and fed than thou art, seems to
+me indeed to be too hard a lot.  Alas! thou art all rough-coated, in ill
+plight, jaded, foundered, crestfallen, and drooping, like a mooting duck,
+and feedest here on nothing but coarse grass, or briars and thistles.
+Therefore do but pace it along with me, and thou shalt see how we noble
+steeds, made by nature for war, are treated.  Come, thou'lt lose nothing by
+coming; I'll get thee a taste of my fare.  I' troth, sir, I can but love
+you and thank you, returned the ass; I'll wait on you, good Mr. Steed.
+Methinks, gaffer ass, you might as well have said Sir Grandpaw Steed.  O!
+cry mercy, good Sir Grandpaw, returned the ass; we country clowns are
+somewhat gross, and apt to knock words out of joint.  However, an't please
+you, I will come after your worship at some distance, lest for taking this
+run my side should chance to be firked and curried with a vengeance, as it
+is but too often, the more is my sorrow.
+
+The shepherdess being got behind Roger, the ass followed, fully resolved to
+bait like a prince with Roger's steed; but when they got to the stable, the
+groom, who spied the grave animal, ordered one of his underlings to welcome
+him with a pitchfork and currycomb him with a cudgel.  The ass, who heard
+this, recommended himself mentally to the god Neptune, and was packing off,
+thinking and syllogizing within himself thus:  Had not I been an ass, I had
+not come here among great lords, when I must needs be sensible that I was
+only made for the use of the small vulgar.  Aesop had given me a fair
+warning of this in one of his fables.  Well, I must e'en scamper or take
+what follows.  With this he fell a-trotting, and wincing, and yerking, and
+calcitrating, alias kicking, and farting, and funking, and curvetting, and
+bounding, and springing, and galloping full drive, as if the devil had come
+for him in propria persona.
+
+The shepherdess, who saw her ass scour off, told Roger that it was her
+cattle, and desired he might be kindly used, or else she would not stir her
+foot over the threshold.  Friend Roger no sooner knew this but he ordered
+him to be fetched in, and that my master's horses should rather chop straw
+for a week together than my mistress's beast should want his bellyful of
+corn.
+
+The most difficult point was to get him back; for in vain the youngsters
+complimented and coaxed him to come.  I dare not, said the ass; I am
+bashful.  And the more they strove by fair means to bring him with them,
+the more the stubborn thing was untoward, and flew out at the heels;
+insomuch that they might have been there to this hour, had not his mistress
+advised them to toss oats in a sieve or in a blanket, and call him; which
+was done, and made him wheel about and say, Oats, with a witness! oats
+shall go to pot.  Adveniat; oats will do, there's evidence in the case; but
+none of the rubbing down, none of the firking.  Thus melodiously singing
+(for, as you know, that Arcadian bird's note is very harmonious) he came to
+the young gentleman of the horse, alias black garb, who brought him to the
+stable.
+
+When he was there, they placed him next to the great horse his friend,
+rubbed him down, currycombed him, laid clean straw under him up to the
+chin, and there he lay at rack and manger, the first stuffed with sweet
+hay, the latter with oats; which when the horse's valet-dear-chambre
+sifted, he clapped down his lugs, to tell them by signs that he could eat
+it but too well without sifting, and that he did not deserve so great an
+honour.
+
+When they had well fed, quoth the horse to the ass;  Well, poor ass, how is
+it with thee now?  How dost thou like this fare?  Thou wert so nice at
+first, a body had much ado to get thee hither.  By the fig, answered the
+ass, which, one of our ancestors eating, Philemon died laughing, this is
+all sheer ambrosia, good Sir Grandpaw; but what would you have an ass say?
+Methinks all this is yet but half cheer.  Don't your worships here now and
+then use to take a leap?  What leaping dost thou mean? asked the horse; the
+devil leap thee! dost thou take me for an ass?  In troth, Sir Grandpaw,
+quoth the ass, I am somewhat of a blockhead, you know, and cannot, for the
+heart's blood of me, learn so fast the court way of speaking of you
+gentlemen horses; I mean, don't you stallionize it sometimes here among
+your mettled fillies?  Tush, whispered the horse, speak lower; for, by
+Bucephalus, if the grooms but hear thee they will maul and belam thee
+thrice and threefold, so that thou wilt have but little stomach to a
+leaping bout.  Cod so, man, we dare not so much as grow stiff at the tip of
+the lowermost snout, though it were but to leak or so, for fear of being
+jerked and paid out of our lechery.  As for anything else, we are as happy
+as our master, and perhaps more.  By this packsaddle, my old acquaintance,
+quoth the ass, I have done with you; a fart for thy litter and hay, and a
+fart for thy oats; give me the thistles of our fields, since there we leap
+when we list.  Eat less, and leap more, I say; it is meat, drink, and cloth
+to us.  Ah! friend Grandpaw, it would do thy heart good to see us at a
+fair, when we hold our provincial chapter!  Oh! how we leap it, while our
+mistresses are selling their goslings and other poultry!  With this they
+parted.  Dixi; I have done.
+
+Panurge then held his peace.  Pantagruel would have had him to have gone on
+to the end of the chapter; but Aedituus said, A word to the wise is enough;
+I can pick out the meaning of that fable, and know who is that ass, and who
+the horse; but you are a bashful youth, I perceive.  Well, know that
+there's nothing for you here; scatter no words.  Yet, returned Panurge, I
+saw but even now a pretty kind of a cooing abbess-kite as white as a dove,
+and her I had rather ride than lead.  May I never stir if she is not a
+dainty bit, and very well worth a sin or two.  Heaven forgive me! I meant
+no more harm in it than you; may the harm I meant in it befall me
+presently.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.VIII.
+
+How with much ado we got a sight of the pope-hawk.
+
+Our junketting and banqueting held on at the same rate the third day as the
+two former.  Pantagruel then earnestly desired to see the pope-hawk; but
+Aedituus told him it was not such an easy matter to get a sight of him.
+How, asked Pantagruel, has he Plato's helmet on his crown, Gyges's ring on
+his pounces, or a chameleon on his breast, to make him invisible when he
+pleases?  No, sir, returned Aedituus; but he is naturally of pretty
+difficult access.  However, I'll see and take care that you may see him, if
+possible.  With this he left us piddling; then within a quarter of an hour
+came back, and told us the pope-hawk is now to be seen.  So he led us,
+without the least noise, directly to the cage wherein he sat drooping, with
+his feathers staring about him, attended by a brace of little cardin-hawks
+and six lusty fusty bish-hawks.
+
+Panurge stared at him like a dead pig, examining exactly his figure, size,
+and motions.  Then with a loud voice he said, A curse light on the hatcher
+of the ill bird; o' my word, this is a filthy whoop-hooper.  Tush, speak
+softly, said Aedituus; by G--, he has a pair of ears, as formerly Michael
+de Matiscones remarked.  What then? returned Panurge; so hath a whoopcat.
+So, said Aedituus; if he but hear you speak such another blasphemous word,
+you had as good be damned.  Do you see that basin yonder in his cage?  Out
+of it shall sally thunderbolts and lightnings, storms, bulls, and the devil
+and all, that will sink you down to Peg Trantum's, an hundred fathom under
+ground.  It were better to drink and be merry, quoth Friar John.
+
+Panurge was still feeding his eyes with the sight of the pope-hawk and his
+attendants, when somewhere under his cage he perceived a madge-howlet.
+With this he cried out, By the devil's maker, master, there's roguery in
+the case; they put tricks upon travellers here more than anywhere else, and
+would make us believe that a t--d's a sugarloaf.  What damned cozening,
+gulling, and coney-catching have we here!  Do you see this madge-howlet?
+By Minerva, we are all beshit.  Odsoons, said Aedituus, speak softly, I
+tell you.  It is no madge-howlet, no she-thing on my honest word; but a
+male, and a noble bird.
+
+May we not hear the pope-hawk sing? asked Pantagruel.  I dare not promise
+that, returned Aedituus; for he only sings and eats at his own hours.  So
+don't I, quoth Panurge; poor pilgarlic is fain to make everybody's time his
+own; if they have time, I find time.  Come, then, let us go drink, if you
+will.  Now this is something like a tansy, said Aedituus; you begin to talk
+somewhat like; still speak in that fashion, and I'll secure you from being
+thought a heretic.  Come on, I am of your mind.
+
+As we went back to have t'other fuddling bout, we spied an old green-headed
+bish-hawk, who sat moping with his mate and three jolly bittern attendants,
+all snoring under an arbour.  Near the old cuff stood a buxom abbess-kite
+that sung like any linnet; and we were so mightily tickled with her singing
+that I vow and swear we could have wished all our members but one turned
+into ears, to have had more of the melody.  Quoth Panurge, This pretty
+cherubim of cherubims is here breaking her head with chanting to this huge,
+fat, ugly face, who lies grunting all the while like a hog as he is.  I
+will make him change his note presently, in the devil's name.  With this he
+rang a bell that hung over the bish-hawk's head; but though he rang and
+rang again, the devil a bit bish-hawk would hear; the louder the sound, the
+louder his snoring.  There was no making him sing.  By G--, quoth Panurge,
+you old buzzard, if you won't sing by fair means, you shall by foul.
+Having said this, he took up one of St. Stephen's loaves, alias a stone,
+and was going to hit him with it about the middle.  But Aedituus cried to
+him, Hold, hold, honest friend! strike, wound, poison, kill, and murder all
+the kings and princes in the world, by treachery or how thou wilt, and as
+soon as thou wouldst unnestle the angels from their cockloft.  Pope-hawk
+will pardon thee all this.  But never be so mad as to meddle with these
+sacred birds, as much as thou lovest the profit, welfare, and life not only
+of thyself, and thy friends and relations alive or dead, but also of those
+that may be born hereafter to the thousandth generation; for so long thou
+wouldst entail misery upon them.  Do but look upon that basin.  Catso! let
+us rather drink, then, quoth Panurge.  He that spoke last, spoke well, Mr.
+Antitus, quoth Friar John; while we are looking on these devilish birds we
+do nothing but blaspheme; and while we are taking a cup we do nothing but
+praise God.  Come on, then, let's go drink; how well that word sounds!
+
+The third day (after we had drank, as you must understand) Aedituus
+dismissed us.  We made him a present of a pretty little Perguois knife,
+which he took more kindly than Artaxerxes did the cup of cold water that
+was given him by a clown.  He most courteously thanked us, and sent all
+sorts of provisions aboard our ships, wished us a prosperous voyage and
+success in our undertakings, and made us promise and swear by Jupiter of
+stone to come back by his territories.  Finally he said to us, Friends,
+pray note that there are many more stones in the world than men; take care
+you don't forget it.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.IX.
+
+How we arrived at the island of Tools.
+
+
+Having well ballasted the holds of our human vessels, we weighed anchor,
+hoised up sail, stowed the boats, set the land, and stood for the offing
+with a fair loom gale, and for more haste unpareled the mizen-yard, and
+launched it and the sail over the lee-quarter, and fitted gyves to keep it
+steady, and boomed it out; so in three days we made the island of Tools,
+that is altogether uninhabited.  We saw there a great number of trees which
+bore mattocks, pickaxes, crows, weeding-hooks, scythes, sickles, spades,
+trowels, hatchets, hedging-bills, saws, adzes, bills, axes, shears,
+pincers, bolts, piercers, augers, and wimbles.
+
+Others bore dags, daggers, poniards, bayonets, square-bladed tucks,
+stilettoes, poniardoes, skeans, penknives, puncheons, bodkins, swords,
+rapiers, back-swords, cutlasses, scimitars, hangers, falchions, glaives,
+raillons, whittles, and whinyards.
+
+Whoever would have any of these needed but to shake the tree, and
+immediately they dropped down as thick as hops, like so many ripe plums;
+nay, what's more, they fell on a kind of grass called scabbard, and
+sheathed themselves in it cleverly.  But when they came down, there was
+need of taking care lest they happened to touch the head, feet, or other
+parts of the body.  For they fell with the point downwards, and in they
+stuck, or slit the continuum of some member, or lopped it off like a twig;
+either of which generally was enough to have killed a man, though he were a
+hundred years old, and worth as many thousand spankers, spur-royals, and
+rose-nobles.
+
+Under some other trees, whose names I cannot justly tell you, I saw some
+certain sorts of weeds that grew and sprouted like pikes, lances, javelins,
+javelots, darts, dartlets, halberds, boar-spears, eel-spears, partizans,
+tridents, prongs, trout-staves, spears, half-pikes, and hunting-staves.  As
+they sprouted up and chanced to touch the tree, straight they met with
+their heads, points, and blades, each suitable to its kind, made ready for
+them by the trees over them, as soon as every individual wood was grown up,
+fit for its steel; even like the children's coats, that are made for them
+as soon as they can wear them and you wean them of their swaddling clothes.
+Nor do you mutter, I pray you, at what Plato, Anaxagoras, and Democritus
+have said.  Ods-fish! they were none of your lower-form gimcracks, were
+they?
+
+Those trees seemed to us terrestrial animals, in no wise so different from
+brute beasts as not to have skin, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments,
+nerves, cartilages, kernels, bones, marrow, humours, matrices, brains, and
+articulations; for they certainly have some, since Theophrastus will have
+it so.  But in this point they differed from other animals, that their
+heads, that is, the part of their trunks next to the root, are downwards;
+their hair, that is, their roots, in the earth; and their feet, that is,
+their branches, upside down; as if a man should stand on his head with
+outstretched legs.  And as you, battered sinners, on whom Venus has
+bestowed something to remember her, feel the approach of rains, winds,
+cold, and every change of weather, at your ischiatic legs and your
+omoplates, by means of the perpetual almanack which she has fixed there; so
+these trees have notice given them, by certain sensations which they have
+at their roots, stocks, gums, paps, or marrow, of the growth of the staves
+under them, and accordingly they prepare suitable points and blades for
+them beforehand.  Yet as all things, except God, are sometimes subject to
+error, nature itself not free from it when it produceth monstrous things,
+likewise I observed something amiss in these trees.  For a half-pike that
+grew up high enough to reach the branches of one of these instrumentiferous
+trees, happened no sooner to touch them but, instead of being joined to an
+iron head, it impaled a stubbed broom at the fundament.  Well, no matter,
+'twill serve to sweep the chimney.  Thus a partizan met with a pair of
+garden shears.  Come, all's good for something; 'twill serve to nip off
+little twigs and destroy caterpillars.  The staff of a halberd got the
+blade of a scythe, which made it look like a hermaphrodite.
+Happy-be-lucky, 'tis all a case; 'twill serve for some mower.  Oh, 'tis a
+great blessing to put our trust in the Lord!  As we went back to our ships I
+spied behind I don't know what bush, I don't know what folks, doing I don't
+know what business, in I don't know what posture, scouring I don't know what
+tools, in I don't know what manner, and I don't know what place.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.X.
+
+How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Sharping.
+
+We left the island of Tools to pursue our voyage, and the next day stood in
+for the island of Sharping, the true image of Fontainebleau, for the land
+is so very lean that the bones, that is, the rocks, shoot through its skin.
+Besides, 'tis sandy, barren, unhealthy, and unpleasant.  Our pilot showed
+us there two little square rocks which had eight equal points in the shape
+of a cube.  They were so white that I might have mistaken them for
+alabaster or snow, had he not assured us they were made of bone.
+
+He told us that twenty chance devils very much feared in our country dwelt
+there in six different storeys, and that the biggest twins or braces of
+them were called sixes, and the smallest ambs-ace; the rest cinques,
+quatres, treys, and deuces.  When they were conjured up, otherwise coupled,
+they were called either sice cinque, sice quatre, sice trey, sice deuce,
+and sice ace; or cinque quatre, cinque trey, and so forth.  I made there a
+shrewd observation.  Would you know what 'tis, gamesters?  'Tis that there
+are very few of you in the world but what call upon and invoke the devils.
+For the dice are no sooner thrown on the board, and the greedy gazing
+sparks have hardly said, Two sixes, Frank; but Six devils damn it! cry as
+many of them.  If ambs-ace; then, A brace of devils broil me! will they
+say.  Quatre-deuce, Tom; The deuce take it! cries another.  And so on to
+the end of the chapter.  Nay, they don't forget sometimes to call the black
+cloven-footed gentlemen by their Christian names and surnames; and what is
+stranger yet, they use them as their greatest cronies, and make them so
+often the executors of their wills, not only giving themselves, but
+everybody and everything, to the devil, that there's no doubt but he takes
+care to seize, soon or late, what's so zealously bequeathed him.  Indeed,
+'tis true Lucifer does not always immediately appear by his lawful
+attorneys; but, alas! 'tis not for want of goodwill; he is really to be
+excused for his delay; for what the devil would you have a devil do?  He
+and his black guards are then at some other places, according to the
+priority of the persons that call on them; therefore, pray let none be so
+venturesome as to think that the devils are deaf and blind.
+
+He then told us that more wrecks had happened about those square rocks, and
+a greater loss of body and goods, than about all the Syrtes, Scyllas and
+Charybdes, Sirens, Strophades, and gulfs in the universe.  I had not much
+ado to believe it, remembering that formerly, among the wise Egyptians,
+Neptune was described in hieroglyphics for the first cube, Apollo by an
+ace, Diana by a deuce, Minerva by seven, and so forth.
+
+He also told us that there was a phial of sanc-greal, a most divine thing,
+and known to a few.  Panurge did so sweeten up the syndics of the place
+that they blessed us with the sight of 't; but it was with three times more
+pother and ado, with more formalities and antic tricks, than they show the
+pandects of Justinian at Florence, or the holy Veronica at Rome.  I never
+saw such a sight of flambeaux, torches, and hagios, sanctified tapers,
+rush-lights, and farthing candles in my whole life.  After all, that which
+was shown us was only the ill-faced countenance of a roasted coney.
+
+All that we saw there worth speaking of was a good face set upon an ill
+game, and the shells of the two eggs formerly laid up and hatched by Leda,
+out of which came Castor and Pollux, fair Helen's brothers.  These same
+syndics sold us a piece of 'em for a song, I mean, for a morsel of bread.
+Before we went we bought a parcel of hats and caps of the manufacture of
+the place, which, I fear, will turn to no very good account; nor are those
+who shall take 'em off our hands more likely to commend their wearing.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XI.
+
+How we passed through the wicket inhabited by Gripe-men-all, Archduke of
+the Furred Law-cats.
+
+From thence Condemnation was passed by us.  'Tis another damned barren
+island, whereat none for the world cared to touch.  Then we went through
+the wicket; but Pantagruel had no mind to bear us company, and 'twas well
+he did not, for we were nabbed there, and clapped into lob's-pound by order
+of Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred Law-cats, because one of our
+company would ha' put upon a sergeant some hats of the Sharping Island.
+
+The Furred Law-cats are most terrible and dreadful monsters, they devour
+little children, and trample over marble stones.  Pray tell me, noble
+topers, do they not deserve to have their snouts slit?  The hair of their
+hides doesn't lie outward, but inwards, and every mother's son of 'em for
+his device wears a gaping pouch, but not all in the same manner; for some
+wear it tied to their neck scarfwise, others upon the breech, some on the
+paunch, others on the side, and all for a cause, with reason and mystery.
+They have claws so very strong, long, and sharp that nothing can get from
+'em that is once fast between their clutches.  Sometimes they cover their
+heads with mortar-like caps, at other times with mortified caparisons.
+
+As we entered their den, said a common mumper, to whom we had given half a
+teston, Worshipful culprits, God send you a good deliverance!  Examine
+well, said he, the countenance of these stout props and pillars of this
+catch-coin law and iniquity; and pray observe, that if you still live but
+six olympiads, and the age of two dogs more, you'll see these Furred
+Law-cats lords of all Europe, and in peaceful possession of all the estates
+and dominions belonging to it; unless, by divine providence, what's got over
+the devil's back is spent under his belly, or the goods which they unjustly
+get perish with their prodigal heirs.  Take this from an honest beggar.
+
+Among 'em reigns the sixth essence; by the means of which they gripe all,
+devour all, conskite all, burn all, draw all, hang all, quarter all, behead
+all, murder all, imprison all, waste all, and ruin all, without the least
+notice of right or wrong; for among them vice is called virtue; wickedness,
+piety; treason, loyalty; robbery, justice.  Plunder is their motto, and
+when acted by them is approved by all men, except the heretics; and all
+this they do because they dare; their authority is sovereign and
+irrefragable.  For a sign of the truth of what I tell you, you'll find that
+there the mangers are above the racks.  Remember hereafter that a fool told
+you this; and if ever plague, famine, war, fire, earthquakes, inundations,
+or other judgments befall the world, do not attribute 'em to the aspects
+and conjunctions of the malevolent planets; to the abuses of the court of
+Romania, or the tyranny of secular kings and princes; to the impostures of
+the false zealots of the cowl, heretical bigots, false prophets, and
+broachers of sects; to the villainy of griping usurers, clippers, and
+coiners; or to the ignorance, impudence, and imprudence of physicians,
+surgeons, and apothecaries; nor to the lewdness of adulteresses and
+destroyers of by-blows; but charge them all, wholly and solely, to the
+inexpressible, incredible, and inestimable wickedness and ruin which is
+continually hatched, brewed, and practised in the den or shop of those
+Furred Law-cats.  Yet 'tis no more known in the world than the cabala of
+the Jews, the more's the pity; and therefore 'tis not detested, chastised,
+and punished as 'tis fit it should be.  But should all their villainy be
+once displayed in its true colours and exposed to the people, there never
+was, is, nor will be any spokesman so sweet-mouthed, whose fine colloguing
+tongue could save 'em; nor any law so rigorous and draconic that could
+punish 'em as they deserve; nor yet any magistrate so powerful as to hinder
+their being burnt alive in their coneyburrows without mercy.  Even their
+own furred kittlings, friends, and relations would abominate 'em.
+
+For this reason, as Hannibal was solemnly sworn by his father Amilcar to
+pursue the Romans with the utmost hatred as long as ever he lived, so my
+late father has enjoined me to remain here without, till God Almighty's
+thunder reduce them there within to ashes, like other presumptuous Titans,
+profane wretches, and opposers of God; since mankind is so inured to their
+oppressions that they either do not remember, foresee, or have a sense of
+the woes and miseries which they have caused; or, if they have, either will
+not, dare not, or cannot root 'em out.
+
+How, said Panurge, say you so?  Catch me there and hang me!  Damme, let's
+march off!  This noble beggar has scared me worse than thunder in autumn
+(Motteux gives 'than the thunder would do them.').  Upon this we were
+filing off; but, alas! we found ourselves trapped--the door was
+double-locked and barricadoed.  Some messengers of ill news told us it was
+full as easy to get in there as into hell, and no less hard to get out.  Ay,
+there indeed lay the difficulty, for there is no getting loose without a
+pass and discharge in due course from the bench.  This for no other reason
+than because folks go easier out of a church than out of a sponging-house,
+and because they could not have our company when they would.  The worst on't
+was when we got through the wicket; for we were carried, to get out our pass
+or discharge, before a more dreadful monster than ever was read of in the
+legends of knight-errantry.  They called him Gripe-men-all.  I can't tell
+what to compare it to better than to a Chimaera, a Sphinx, a Cerberus; or to
+the image of Osiris, as the Egyptians represented him, with three heads, one
+of a roaring lion, t'other of a fawning cur, and the last of a howling,
+prowling wolf, twisted about with a dragon biting his tail, surrounded with
+fiery rays.  His hands were full of gore, his talons like those of the
+harpies, his snout like a hawk's bill, his fangs or tusks like those of an
+overgrown brindled wild boar; his eyes were flaming like the jaws of hell,
+all covered with mortars interlaced with pestles, and nothing of his arms
+was to be seen but his clutches.  His hutch, and that of the warren-cats his
+collaterals, was a long, spick-and-span new rack, a-top of which (as the
+mumper told us) some large stately mangers were fixed in the reverse.  Over
+the chief seat was the picture of an old woman holding the case or scabbard
+of a sickle in her right hand, a pair of scales in her left, with spectacles
+on her nose; the cups or scales of the balance were a pair of velvet
+pouches, the one full of bullion, which overpoised t'other, empty and long,
+hoisted higher than the middle of the beam.  I'm of opinion it was the true
+effigies of Justice Gripe-men-all; far different from the institution of the
+ancient Thebans, who set up the statues of their dicasts without hands, in
+marble, silver, or gold, according to their merit, even after their death.
+
+When we made our personal appearance before him, a sort of I don't know
+what men, all clothed with I don't know what bags and pouches, with long
+scrolls in their clutches, made us sit down upon a cricket (such as
+criminals sit on when tried in France).  Quoth Panurge to 'em, Good my
+lords, I'm very well as I am; I'd as lief stand, an't please you.  Besides,
+this same stool is somewhat of the lowest for a man that has new breeches
+and a short doublet.  Sit you down, said Gripe-men-all again, and look that
+you don't make the court bid you twice.  Now, continued he, the earth shall
+immediately open its jaws and swallow you up to quick damnation if you
+don't answer as you should.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XII.
+
+How Gripe-men-all propounded a riddle to us.
+
+When we were sat, Gripe-men-all, in the middle of his furred cats, called
+to us in a hoarse dreadful voice, Well, come on, give me presently--an
+answer.  Well, come on, muttered Panurge between his teeth, give, give me
+presently--a comforting dram.  Hearken to the court, continued
+Gripe-men-all.
+
+                An Enigma.
+
+  A young tight thing, as fair as may be,
+  Without a dad conceived a baby,
+  And brought him forth without the pother
+  In labour made by teeming mother.
+  Yet the cursed brat feared not to gripe her,
+  But gnawed, for haste, her sides like viper.
+  Then the black upstart boldly sallies,
+  And walks and flies o'er hills and valleys.
+  Many fantastic sons of wisdom,
+  Amazed, foresaw their own in his doom;
+  And thought like an old Grecian noddy,
+  A human spirit moved his body.
+
+Give, give me out of hand--an answer to this riddle, quoth Gripe-men-all.
+Give, give me--leave to tell you, good, good my lord, answered Panurge,
+that if I had but a sphinx at home, as Verres one of your precursors had, I
+might then solve your enigma presently.  But verily, good my lord, I was
+not there; and, as I hope to be saved, am as innocent in the matter as the
+child unborn.  Foh, give me--a better answer, cried Gripe-men-all; or, by
+gold, this shall not serve your turn.  I'll not be paid in such coin; if
+you have nothing better to offer, I'll let your rascalship know that it had
+been better for you to have fallen into Lucifer's own clutches than into
+ours.  Dost thou see 'em here, sirrah? hah? and dost thou prate here of thy
+being innocent, as if thou couldst be delivered from our racks and tortures
+for being so?  Give me--Patience! thou widgeon.  Our laws are like cobwebs;
+your silly little flies are stopped, caught, and destroyed therein, but
+your stronger ones break them, and force and carry them which way they
+please.  Likewise, don't think we are so mad as to set up our nets to snap
+up your great robbers and tyrants.  No, they are somewhat too hard for us,
+there's no meddling with them; for they would make no more of us than we
+make of the little ones.  But you paltry, silly, innocent wretches must
+make us amends; and, by gold, we will innocentize your fopship with a
+wannion, you never were so innocentized in your days; the devil shall sing
+mass among ye.
+
+Friar John, hearing him run on at that mad rate, had no longer the power to
+remain silent, but cried to him, Heigh-day!  Prithee, Mr. Devil in a coif,
+wouldst thou have a man tell thee more than he knows?  Hasn't the fellow
+told you he does not know a word of the business?  His name is Twyford.
+A plague rot you! won't truth serve your turns?  Why, how now,
+Mr. Prate-apace, cried Gripe-men-all, taking him short, marry come up, who
+made you so saucy as to open your lips before you were spoken to?  Give me
+--Patience!  By gold! this is the first time since I have reigned that
+anyone has had the impudence to speak before he was bidden.  How came this
+mad fellow to break loose?  (Villain, thou liest, said Friar John, without
+stirring his lips.)  Sirrah, sirrah, continued Gripe-men-all, I doubt thou
+wilt have business enough on thy hands when it comes to thy turn to answer.
+(Damme, thou liest, said Friar John, silently.)  Dost thou think, continued
+my lord, thou art in the wilderness of your foolish university, wrangling
+and bawling among the idle, wandering searchers and hunters after truth? By
+gold, we have here other fish to fry; we go another gate's-way to work, that
+we do.  By gold, people here must give categorical answers to what they
+don't know.  By gold, they must confess they have done those things which
+they have not nor ought to have done.  By gold, they must protest that they
+know what they never knew in their lives; and, after all, patience perforce
+must be their only remedy, as well as a mad dog's.  Here silly geese are
+plucked, yet cackle not.  Sirrah, give me--an account whether you had a
+letter of attorney, or whether you were feed or no, that you offered to bawl
+in another man's cause?  I see you had no authority to speak, and I may
+chance to have you wed to something you won't like.  Oh, you devils, cried
+Friar John, proto-devils, panto-devils, you would wed a monk, would you?  Ho
+hu! ho hu!  A heretic! a heretic!  I'll give thee out for a rank heretic.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XIII.
+
+How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all's riddle.
+
+Gripe-men-all, as if he had not heard what Friar John said, directed his
+discourse to Panurge, saying to him, Well, what have you to say for
+yourself, Mr. Rogue-enough, hah?  Give, give me out of hand--an answer.
+Say? quoth Panurge; why, what would you have me say?  I say that we are
+damnably beshit, since you give no heed at all to the equity of the plea,
+and the devil sings among you.  Let this answer serve for all, I beseech
+you, and let us go out about our business; I am no longer able to hold out,
+as gad shall judge me.
+
+Go to, go to, cried Gripe-men-all; when did you ever hear that for these
+three hundred years last past anybody ever got out of this weel without
+leaving something of his behind him?  No, no, get out of the trap if you
+can without losing leather, life, or at least some hair, and you will have
+done more than ever was done yet.  For why, this would bring the wisdom of
+the court into question, as if we had took you up for nothing, and dealt
+wrongfully by you.  Well, by hook or by crook, we must have something out
+of you.  Look ye, it is a folly to make a rout for a fart and ado; one word
+is as good as twenty.  I have no more to say to thee, but that, as thou
+likest thy former entertainment, thou wilt tell me more of the next; for it
+will go ten times worse with thee unless, by gold, you give me--a solution
+to the riddle I propounded.  Give, give--it, without any more ado.
+
+By gold, quoth Panurge, 'tis a black mite or weevil which is born of a
+white bean, and sallies out at the hole which he makes gnawing it; the mite
+being turned into a kind of fly, sometimes walks and sometimes flies over
+hills and dales.  Now Pythagoras, the philosopher, and his sect, besides
+many others, wondering at its birth in such a place (which makes some argue
+for equivocal generation), thought that by a metempsychosis the body of
+that insect was the lodging of a human soul.  Now, were you men here, after
+your welcomed death, according to his opinion, your souls would most
+certainly enter into the body of mites or weevils; for in your present
+state of life you are good for nothing in the world but to gnaw, bite, eat,
+and devour all things, so in the next you'll e'en gnaw and devour your
+mother's very sides, as the vipers do.  Now, by gold, I think I have fairly
+solved and resolved your riddle.
+
+May my bauble be turned into a nutcracker, quoth Friar John, if I could not
+almost find in my heart to wish that what comes out at my bunghole were
+beans, that these evil weevils might feed as they deserve.
+
+Panurge then, without any more ado, threw a large leathern purse stuffed
+with gold crowns (ecus au soleil) among them.
+
+The Furred Law-cats no sooner heard the jingling of the chink but they all
+began to bestir their claws, like a parcel of fiddlers running a division;
+and then fell to't, squimble, squamble, catch that catch can.  They all
+said aloud, These are the fees, these are the gloves; now, this is somewhat
+like a tansy.  Oh! 'twas a pretty trial, a sweet trial, a dainty trial.  O'
+my word, they did not starve the cause.  These are none of your snivelling
+forma pauperis's; no, they are noble clients, gentlemen every inch of them.
+By gold, it is gold, quoth Panurge, good old gold, I'll assure you.
+
+Saith Gripe-men-all, The court, upon a full hearing (of the gold, quoth
+Panurge), and weighty reasons given, finds the prisoners not guilty, and
+accordingly orders them to be discharged out of custody, paying their fees.
+Now, gentlemen, proceed, go forwards, said he to us; we have not so much of
+the devil in us as we have of his hue; though we are stout, we are
+merciful.
+
+As we came out at the wicket, we were conducted to the port by a detachment
+of certain highland griffins, scribere cum dashoes, who advised us before
+we came to our ships not to offer to leave the place until we had made the
+usual presents, first to the Lady Gripe-men-all, then to all the Furred
+Law-pusses; otherwise we must return to the place from whence we came.
+Well, well, said Friar John, we'll fumble in our fobs, examine every one of
+us his concern, and e'en give the women their due; we'll ne'er boggle or
+stick out on that account; as we tickled the men in the palm, we'll tickle
+the women in the right place.  Pray, gentlemen, added they, don't forget to
+leave somewhat behind you for us poor devils to drink your healths.  O
+lawd! never fear, answered Friar John, I don't remember that I ever went
+anywhere yet where the poor devils are not remembered and encouraged.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XIV.
+
+How the Furred Law-cats live on corruption.
+
+Friar John had hardly said those words ere he perceived seventy-eight
+galleys and frigates just arriving at the port.  So he hied him thither to
+learn some news; and as he asked what goods they had o' board, he soon
+found that their whole cargo was venison, hares, capons, turkeys, pigs,
+swine, bacon, kids, calves, hens, ducks, teals, geese, and other poultry
+and wildfowl.
+
+He also spied among these some pieces of velvet, satin, and damask.  This
+made him ask the new-comers whither and to whom they were going to carry
+those dainty goods.  They answered that they were for Gripe-men-all and the
+Furred Law-cats.
+
+Pray, asked he, what is the true name of all these things in your country
+language?  Corruption, they replied.  If they live on corruption, said the
+friar, they will perish with their generation.  May the devil be damned, I
+have it now:  their fathers devoured the good gentlemen who, according to
+their state of life, used to go much a-hunting and hawking, to be the
+better inured to toil in time of war; for hunting is an image of a martial
+life, and Xenophon was much in the right of it when he affirmed that
+hunting had yielded a great number of excellent warriors, as well as the
+Trojan horse.  For my part, I am no scholar; I have it but by hearsay, yet
+I believe it.  Now the souls of those brave fellows, according to
+Gripe-men-all's riddle, after their decease enter into wild boars, stags,
+roebucks, herns, and such other creatures which they loved, and in quest of
+which they went while they were men; and these Furred Law-cats, having
+first destroyed and devoured their castles, lands, demesnes, possessions,
+rents, and revenues, are still seeking to have their blood and soul in
+another life.  What an honest fellow was that same mumper who had
+forewarned us of all these things, and bid us take notice of the mangers
+above the racks!
+
+But, said Panurge to the new-comers, how do you come by all this venison?
+Methinks the great king has issued out a proclamation strictly inhibiting
+the destroying of stags, does, wild boars, roebucks, or other royal game,
+on pain of death.  All this is true enough, answered one for the rest, but
+the great king is so good and gracious, you must know, and these Furred
+Law-cats so curst and cruel, so mad, and thirsting after Christian blood,
+that we have less cause to fear in trespassing against that mighty
+sovereign's commands than reason to hope to live if we do not continually
+stop the mouths of these Furred Law-cats with such bribes and corruption.
+Besides, added he, to-morrow Gripe-men-all marries a furred law-puss of his
+to a high and mighty double-furred law-tybert.  Formerly we used to call
+them chop-hay; but alas! they are not such neat creatures now as to eat
+any, or chew the cud.  We call them chop-hares, chop-partridges,
+chop-woodcocks, chop-pheasants, chop-pullets, chop-venison, chop-coneys,
+chop-pigs, for they scorn to feed on coarser meat.  A t--d for their chops,
+cried Friar John, next year we'll have 'em called chop-dung, chop-stront,
+chop-filth.
+
+Would you take my advice? added he to the company.  What is it? answered
+we.  Let's do two things, returned he.  First, let us secure all this
+venison and wild fowl--I mean, paying well for them; for my part, I am but
+too much tired already with our salt meat, it heats my flanks so horribly.
+In the next place, let's go back to the wicket, and destroy all these
+devilish Furred Law-cats.  For my part, quoth Panurge, I know better
+things; catch me there, and hang me.  No, I am somewhat more inclined to be
+fearful than bold; I love to sleep in a whole skin.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XV.
+
+How Friar John talks of rooting out the Furred Law-cats.
+
+Virtue of the frock, quoth Friar John, what kind of voyage are we making?
+A shitten one, o' my word; the devil of anything we do but fizzling,
+farting, funking, squattering, dozing, raving, and doing nothing.
+Ods-belly, 'tisn't in my nature to lie idle; I mortally hate it.  Unless I
+am doing some heroic feat every foot, I can't sleep one wink o' nights.
+Damn it, did you then take me along with you for your chaplain, to sing mass
+and shrive you?  By Maundy Thursday, the first of ye all that comes to me on
+such an account shall be fitted; for the only penance I'll enjoin shall be,
+that he immediately throw himself headlong overboard into the sea like a
+base cowhearted son of ten fathers.  This in deduction of the pains of
+purgatory.
+
+What made Hercules such a famous fellow, d'ye think?  Nothing but that
+while he travelled he still made it his business to rid the world of
+tyrannies, errors, dangers, and drudgeries; he still put to death all
+robbers, all monsters, all venomous serpents and hurtful creatures.  Why
+then do we not follow his example, doing as he did in the countries through
+which we pass?  He destroyed the Stymphalides, the Lernaean hydra, Cacus,
+Antheus, the Centaurs, and what not; I am no clericus, those that are such
+tell me so.
+
+In imitation of that noble by-blow, let's destroy and root out these wicked
+Furred Law-cats, that are a kind of ravenous devils; thus we shall remove
+all manner of tyranny out of the land.  Mawmet's tutor swallow me body and
+soul, tripes and guts, if I would stay to ask your help or advice in the
+matter were I but as strong as he was.  Come, he that would be thought a
+gentleman, let him storm a town; well, then, shall we go?  I dare swear
+we'll do their business for them with a wet finger; they'll bear it, never
+fear; since they could swallow down more foul language that came from us
+than ten sows and their babies could swill hogwash.  Damn 'em, they don't
+value all the ill words or dishonour in the world at a rush, so they but
+get the coin into their purses, though they were to have it in a shitten
+clout.  Come, we may chance to kill 'em all, as Hercules would have done
+had they lived in his time.  We only want to be set to work by another
+Eurystheus, and nothing else for the present, unless it be what I heartily
+wish them, that Jupiter may give 'em a short visit, only some two or three
+hours long, and walk among their lordships in the same equipage that
+attended him when he came last to his Miss Semele, jolly Bacchus's mother.
+
+'Tis a very great mercy, quoth Panurge, that you have got out of their
+clutches.  For my part, I have no stomach to go there again; I'm hardly
+come to myself yet, so scared and appalled I was.  My hair still stands up
+an end when I think on't; and most damnably troubled I was there, for three
+very weighty reasons.  First, because I was troubled.  Secondly, because I
+was troubled.  Thirdly and lastly, because I was troubled.  Hearken to me a
+little on thy right side, Friar John, my left cod, since thou'lt not hear
+at the other.  Whenever the maggot bites thee to take a trip down to hell
+and visit the tribunal of Minos, Aeacus, Rhadamanthus, (and Dis,) do but
+tell me, and I'll be sure to bear thee company, and never leave thee as
+long as my name's Panurge, but will wade over Acheron, Styx, and Cocytus,
+drink whole bumpers of Lethe's water--though I mortally hate that element
+--and even pay thy passage to that bawling, cross-grained ferryman, Charon.
+But as for the damned wicket, if thou art so weary of thy life as to go
+thither again, thou mayst e'en look for somebody else to bear thee company,
+for I'll not move one step that way; e'en rest satisfied with this positive
+answer.  By my good will I'll not stir a foot to go thither as long as I
+live, any more than Calpe will come over to Abyla (Here Motteux adds the
+following note:  'Calpe is a mountain in Spain that faces another, called
+Abyla, in Mauritania, both said to have been severed by Hercules.').  Was
+Ulysses so mad as to go back into the Cyclop's cave to fetch his sword?
+No, marry was he not.  Now I have left nothing behind me at the wicket
+through forgetfulness; why then should I think of going thither?
+
+Well, quoth Friar John, as good sit still as rise up and fall; what cannot
+be cured must be endured.  But, prithee, let's hear one another speak.
+Come, wert thou not a wise doctor to fling away a whole purse of gold on
+those mangy scoundrels?  Ha!  A squinsy choke thee! we were too rich, were
+we?  Had it not been enough to have thrown the hell-hounds a few cropped
+pieces of white cash?
+
+How could I help it? returned Panurge.  Did you not see how Gripe-men-all
+held his gaping velvet pouch, and every moment roared and bellowed, By
+gold, give me out of hand; by gold, give, give, give me presently?  Now,
+thought I to myself, we shall never come off scot-free.  I'll e'en stop
+their mouths with gold, that the wicket may be opened, and we may get out;
+the sooner the better.  And I judged that lousy silver would not do the
+business; for, d'ye see, velvet pouches do not use to gape for little
+paltry clipt silver and small cash; no, they are made for gold, my friend
+John; that they are, my dainty cod.  Ah! when thou hast been larded,
+basted, and roasted, as I was, thou wilt hardly talk at this rate, I doubt.
+But now what is to be done?  We are enjoined by them to go forwards.
+
+The scabby slabberdegullions still waited for us at the port, expecting to
+be greased in the fist as well as their masters.  Now when they perceived
+that we were ready to put to sea, they came to Friar John and begged that
+we would not forget to gratify the apparitors before we went off, according
+to the assessment for the fees at our discharge.  Hell and damnation! cried
+Friar John; are ye here still, ye bloodhounds, ye citing, scribbling imps
+of Satan?  Rot you, am I not vexed enough already, but you must have the
+impudence to come and plague me, ye scurvy fly-catchers you?  By
+cob's-body, I'll gratify your ruffianships as you deserve; I'll apparitorize
+you presently with a wannion, that I will.  With this, he lugged out his
+slashing cutlass, and in a mighty heat came out of the ship to cut the
+cozening varlets into steaks, but they scampered away and got out of sight
+in a trice.
+
+However, there was somewhat more to do, for some of our sailors, having got
+leave of Pantagruel to go ashore while we were had before Gripe-men-all,
+had been at a tavern near the haven to make much of themselves, and roar
+it, as seamen will do when they come into some port.  Now I don't know
+whether they had paid their reckoning to the full or no, but, however it
+was, an old fat hostess, meeting Friar John on the quay, was making a
+woeful complaint before a sergeant, son-in-law to one of the furred
+law-cats, and a brace of bums, his assistants.
+
+The friar, who did not much care to be tired with their impertinent
+prating, said to them, Harkee me, ye lubberly gnat-snappers! do ye presume
+to say that our seamen are not honest men?  I'll maintain they are, ye
+dotterels, and will prove it to your brazen faces, by justice--I mean, this
+trusty piece of cold iron by my side.  With this he lugged it out and
+flourished with it.  The forlorn lobcocks soon showed him their backs,
+betaking themselves to their heels; but the old fusty landlady kept her
+ground, swearing like any butter-whore that the tarpaulins were very honest
+cods, but that they only forgot to pay for the bed on which they had lain
+after dinner, and she asked fivepence, French money, for the said bed.  May
+I never sup, said the friar, if it be not dog-cheap; they are sorry guests
+and unkind customers, that they are; they do not know when they have a
+pennyworth, and will not always meet with such bargains.  Come, I myself
+will pay you the money, but I would willingly see it first.
+
+The hostess immediately took him home with her, and showed him the bed, and
+having praised it for all its good qualifications, said that she thought as
+times went she was not out of the way in asking fivepence for it.  Friar
+John then gave her the fivepence; and she no sooner turned her back but he
+presently began to rip up the ticking of the feather-bed and bolster, and
+threw all the feathers out at the window.  In the meantime the old hag came
+down and roared out for help, crying out murder to set all the
+neighbourhood in an uproar.  Yet she also fell to gathering the feathers
+that flew up and down in the air, being scattered by the wind.  Friar John
+let her bawl on, and, without any further ado, marched off with the
+blanket, quilt, and both the sheets, which he brought aboard undiscovered,
+for the air was darkened with the feathers, as it uses sometimes to be with
+snow.  He gave them away to the sailors; then said to Pantagruel that beds
+were much cheaper at that place than in Chinnonois, though we have there
+the famous geese of Pautile; for the old beldam had asked him but fivepence
+for a bed which in Chinnonois had been worth about twelve francs.  (As soon
+as Friar John and the rest of the company were embarked, Pantagruel set
+sail.  But there arose a south-east wind, which blew so vehemently they
+lost their way, and in a manner going back to the country of the Furred
+Law-cats, they entered into a huge gulf, where the sea ran so high and
+terrible that the shipboy on the top of the mast cried out he again saw the
+habitation of Gripe-men-all; upon which Panurge, frightened almost out of
+his wits, roared out, Dear master, in spite of the wind and waves, change
+your course, and turn the ship's head about.  O my friend, let us come no
+more into that cursed country where I left my purse.  So the wind carried
+them near an island, where however they did not dare at first to land, but
+entered about a mile off.  (Motteux omitted this passage altogether in the
+edition of 1694.  It was restored by Ozell in the edition of 1738.))
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XVI.
+
+How Pantagruel came to the island of the Apedefers, or Ignoramuses, with
+long claws and crooked paws, and of terrible adventures and monsters there.
+
+As soon as we had cast anchor and had moored the ship, the pinnace was put
+over the ship's side and manned by the coxswain's crew.  When the good
+Pantagruel had prayed publicly, and given thanks to the Lord that had
+delivered him from so great a danger, he stepped into it with his whole
+company to go on shore, which was no ways difficult to do, for, as the sea
+was calm and the winds laid, they soon got to the cliffs.  When they were
+set on shore, Epistemon, who was admiring the situation of the place and
+the strange shape of the rocks, discovered some of the natives.  The first
+he met had on a short purple gown, a doublet cut in panes, like a Spanish
+leather jerkin, half sleeves of satin, and the upper part of them leather,
+a coif like a black pot tipped with tin.  He was a good likely sort of a
+body, and his name, as we heard afterwards, was Double-fee.  Epistemon
+asked him how they called those strange craggy rocks and deep valleys.  He
+told them it was a colony brought out of Attorneyland, and called Process,
+and that if we forded the river somewhat further beyond the rocks we should
+come into the island of the Apedefers.  By the memory of the decretals,
+said Friar John, tell us, I pray you, what you honest men here live on?
+Could not a man take a chirping bottle with you to taste your wine?  I can
+see nothing among you but parchment, ink-horns, and pens.  We live on
+nothing else, returned Double-fee; and all who live in this place must come
+through my hands.  How, quoth Panurge, are you a shaver, then?  Do you
+fleece 'em?  Ay, ay, their purse, answered Double-fee; nothing else.  By
+the foot of Pharaoh, cried Panurge, the devil a sou will you get of me.
+However, sweet sir, be so kind as to show an honest man the way to those
+Apedefers, or ignorant people, for I come from the land of the learned,
+where I did not learn over much.
+
+Still talking on, they got to the island of the Apedefers, for they were
+soon got over the ford.  Pantagruel was not a little taken up with admiring
+the structure and habitation of the people of the place.  For they live in
+a swingeing wine-press, fifty steps up to it.  You must know there are some
+of all sorts, little, great, private, middle-sized, and so forth.  You go
+through a large peristyle, alias a long entry set about with pillars, in
+which you see, in a kind of landscape, the ruins of almost the whole world,
+besides so many great robbers' gibbets, so many gallows and racks, that
+'tis enough to fright you out of your seven senses.  Double-fee perceiving
+that Pantagruel was taken up with contemplating those things, Let us go
+further, sir, said he to him; all this is nothing yet.  Nothing, quotha,
+cried Friar John; by the soul of my overheated codpiece, friend Panurge and
+I here shake and quiver for mere hunger.  I had rather be drinking than
+staring at these ruins.  Pray come along, sir, said Double-fee.  He then
+led us into a little wine-press that lay backwards in a blind corner, and
+was called Pithies in the language of the country.  You need not ask
+whether Master John and Panurge made much of their sweet selves there; it
+is enough that I tell you there was no want of Bolognia sausages, turkey
+poots, capons, bustards, malmsey, and all other sorts of good belly-timber,
+very well dressed.
+
+A pimping son of ten fathers, who, for want of a better, did the office of
+a butler, seeing that Friar John had cast a sheep's eye at a choice bottle
+that stood near a cupboard by itself, at some distance from the rest of the
+bottellic magazine, like a jack-in-an-office said to Pantagruel, Sir, I
+perceive that one of your men here is making love to this bottle.  He ogles
+it, and would fain caress it; but I beg that none offer to meddle with it;
+for it is reserved for their worships.  How, cried Panurge, there are some
+grandees here then, I see.  It is vintage time with you, I perceive.
+
+Then Double-fee led us up to a private staircase, and showed us into a
+room, whence, without being seen, out at a loophole we could see their
+worships in the great wine-press, where none could be admitted without
+their leave.  Their worships, as he called them, were about a score of
+fusty crack-ropes and gallow-clappers, or rather more, all posted before a
+bar, and staring at each other like so many dead pigs.  Their paws were as
+long as a crane's foot, and their claws four-and-twenty inches long at
+least; for you must know they are enjoined never to pare off the least chip
+of them, so that they grow as crooked as a Welsh hook or a hedging-bill.
+
+We saw a swingeing bunch of grapes that are gathered and squeezed in that
+country, brought in by them.  As soon as it was laid down, they clapped it
+into the press, and there was not a bit of it out of which each of them did
+not squeeze some oil of gold; insomuch that the poor grape was tried with a
+witness, and brought off so drained and picked, and so dry, that there was
+not the least moisture, juice, or substance left in it; for they had
+pressed out its very quintessence.
+
+Double-fee told us they had not often such huge bunches; but, let the worst
+come to the worst, they were sure never to be without others in their
+press.  But hark you me, master of mine, asked Panurge, have they not some
+of different growth?  Ay, marry have they, quoth Double-fee.  Do you see
+here this little bunch, to which they are going to give t'other wrench?  It
+is of tithe-growth, you must know; they crushed, wrung, squeezed and
+strained out the very heart's blood of it but the other day; but it did not
+bleed freely; the oil came hard, and smelt of the priest's chest; so that
+they found there was not much good to be got out of it.  Why then, said
+Pantagruel, do they put it again into the press?  Only, answered
+Double-fee, for fear there should still lurk some juice among the husks and
+hullings in the mother of the grape.  The devil be damned! cried Friar
+John; do you call these same folks illiterate lobcocks and duncical
+doddipolls?  May I be broiled like a red herring if I do not think they are
+wise enough to skin a flint and draw oil out of a brick wall.  So they are,
+said Double-fee; for they sometimes put castles, parks, and forests into
+the press, and out of them all extract aurum potabile.  You mean portabile,
+I suppose, cried Epistemon, such as may be borne.  I mean as I said,
+replied Double-fee, potabile, such as may be drunk; for it makes them drink
+many a good bottle more than otherwise they should.
+
+But I cannot better satisfy you as to the growth of the vine-tree sirup
+that is here squeezed out of grapes, than in desiring you to look yonder in
+that back-yard, where you will see above a thousand different growths that
+lie waiting to be squeezed every moment.  Here are some of the public and
+some of the private growth; some of the builders' fortifications, loans,
+gifts, and gratuities, escheats, forfeitures, fines, and recoveries, penal
+statutes, crown lands, and demesne, privy purse, post-offices, offerings,
+lordships of manors, and a world of other growths, for which we want names.
+Pray, quoth Epistemon, tell me of what growth is that great one, with all
+those little grapelings about it.  Oh, oh! returned Double-fee, that plump
+one is of the treasury, the very best growth in the whole country.
+Whenever anyone of that growth is squeezed, there is not one of their
+worships but gets juice enough of it to soak his nose six months together.
+When their worships were up, Pantagruel desired Double-fee to take us into
+that great wine-press, which he readily did.  As soon as we were in,
+Epistemon, who understood all sorts of tongues, began to show us many
+devices on the press, which was large and fine, and made of the wood of the
+cross--at least Double-fee told us so.  On each part of it were names of
+everything in the language of the country.  The spindle of the press was
+called receipt; the trough, cost and damages; the hole for the vice-pin,
+state; the side-boards, money paid into the office; the great beam, respite
+of homage; the branches, radietur; the side-beams, recuperetur; the fats,
+ignoramus; the two-handled basket, the rolls; the treading-place,
+acquittance; the dossers, validation; the panniers, authentic decrees; the
+pailes, potentials; the funnels, quietus est.
+
+By the Queen of the Chitterlings, quoth Panurge, all the hieroglyphics of
+Egypt are mine a-- to this jargon.  Why! here are a parcel of words full as
+analogous as chalk and cheese, or a cat and a cart-wheel!  But why,
+prithee, dear Double-fee, do they call these worshipful dons of yours
+ignorant fellows?  Only, said Double-fee, because they neither are, nor
+ought to be, clerks, and all must be ignorant as to what they transact
+here; nor is there to be any other reason given, but, The court hath said
+it; The court will have it so; The court has decreed it.  Cop's body, quoth
+Pantagruel, they might full as well have called 'em necessity; for
+necessity has no law.
+
+From thence, as he was leading us to see a thousand little puny presses, we
+spied another paltry bar, about which sat four are five ignorant waspish
+churls, of so testy, fuming a temper, (like an ass with squibs and crackers
+tied to its tail,) and so ready to take pepper in the nose for yea and nay,
+that a dog would not have lived with 'em.  They were hard at it with the
+lees and dregs of the grapes, which they gripped over and over again, might
+and main, with their clenched fists.  They were called contractors in the
+language of the country.  These are the ugliest, misshapen, grim-looking
+scrubs, said Friar John, that ever were beheld, with or without spectacles.
+Then we passed by an infinite number of little pimping wine-presses all
+full of vintage-mongers, who were picking, examining, and raking the grapes
+with some instruments called bills-of-charge.
+
+Finally we came into a hall downstairs, where we saw an overgrown cursed
+mangy cur with a pair of heads, a wolf's belly, and claws like the devil of
+hell.  The son of a bitch was fed with costs, for he lived on a
+multiplicity of fine amonds and amerciaments by order of their worships, to
+each of whom the monster was worth more than the best farm in the land.  In
+their tongue of ignorance they called him Twofold.  His dam lay by him, and
+her hair and shape was like her whelp's, only she had four heads, two male
+and two female, and her name was Fourfold.  She was certainly the most
+cursed and dangerous creature of the place, except her grandam, which we
+saw, and had been kept locked up in a dungeon time out of mind, and her
+name was Refusing-of-fees.
+
+Friar John, who had always twenty yards of gut ready empty to swallow a
+gallimaufry of lawyers, began to be somewhat out of humour, and desired
+Pantagruel to remember he had not dined, and bring Double-fee along with
+him.  So away we went, and as we marched out at the back-gate whom should
+we meet but an old piece of mortality in chains.  He was half ignorant and
+half learned, like an hermaphrodite of Satan.  The fellow was all
+caparisoned with spectacles as a tortoise is with shells, and lived on
+nothing but a sort of food which, in their gibberish, was called appeals.
+Pantagruel asked Double-fee of what breed was that prothonotary, and what
+name they gave him.  Double-fee told us that time out of mind he had been
+kept there in chains, to the great grief of their worships, who starved
+him, and his name was Review.  By the pope's sanctified two-pounders, cried
+Friar John, I do not much wonder at the meagre cheer which this old chuff
+finds among their worships.  Do but look a little on the weather-beaten
+scratch-toby, friend Panurge; by the sacred tip of my cowl, I'll lay five
+pounds to a hazel-nut the foul thief has the very looks of Gripe-me-now.
+These same fellows here, ignorant as they be, are as sharp and knowing as
+other folk.  But were it my case, I would send him packing with a squib in
+his breech like a rogue as he is.  By my oriental barnacles, quoth Panurge,
+honest friar, thou art in the right; for if we but examine that treacherous
+Review's ill-favoured phiz, we find that the filthy snudge is yet more
+mischievous and ignorant than these ignorant wretches here, since they
+(honest dunces) grapple and glean with as little harm and pother as they
+can, without any long fiddle-cum-farts or tantalizing in the case; nor do
+they dally and demur in your suit, but in two or three words, whip-stitch,
+in a trice, they finish the vintage of the close, bating you all these
+damned tedious interlocutories, examinations, and appointments which fret
+to the heart's blood your furred law-cats.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XVII.
+
+How we went forwards, and how Panurge had like to have been killed.
+
+We put to sea that very moment, steering our course forwards, and gave
+Pantagruel a full account of our adventures, which so deeply struck him
+with compassion that he wrote some elegies on that subject to divert
+himself during the voyage.  When we were safe in the port we took some
+refreshment, and took in fresh water and wood.  The people of the place,
+who had the countenance of jolly fellows and boon companions, were all of
+them forward folks, bloated and puffed up with fat.  And we saw some who
+slashed and pinked their skins to open a passage to the fat, that it might
+swell out at the slits and gashes which they made; neither more nor less
+than the shit-breech fellows in our country bepink and cut open their
+breeches that the taffety on the inside may stand out and be puffed up.
+They said that what they did was not out of pride or ostentation, but
+because otherwise their skins would not hold them without much pain.
+Having thus slashed their skin, they used to grow much bigger, like the
+young trees on whose barks the gardeners make incisions that they may grow
+the better.
+
+Near the haven there was a tavern, which forwards seemed very fine and
+stately.  We repaired thither, and found it filled with people of the
+forward nation, of all ages, sexes, and conditions; so that we thought some
+notable feast or other was getting ready, but we were told that all that
+throng were invited to the bursting of mine host, which caused all his
+friends and relations to hasten thither.
+
+We did not understand that jargon, and therefore thought in that country by
+that bursting they meant some merry meeting or other, as we do in ours by
+betrothing, wedding, groaning, christening, churching (of women), shearing
+(of sheep), reaping (of corn, or harvest-home), and many other junketting
+bouts that end in -ing.  But we soon heard that there was no such matter in
+hand.
+
+The master of the house, you must know, had been a good fellow in his time,
+loved heartily to wind up his bottom, to bang the pitcher, and lick his
+dish.  He used to be a very fair swallower of gravy soup, a notable
+accountant in matter of hours, and his whole life was one continual dinner,
+like mine host at Rouillac (in Perigord).  But now, having farted out much
+fat for ten years together, according to the custom of the country, he was
+drawing towards his bursting hour; for neither the inner thin kell
+wherewith the entrails are covered, nor his skin that had been jagged and
+mangled so many years, were able to hold and enclose his guts any longer,
+or hinder them from forcing their way out.  Pray, quoth Panurge, is there
+no remedy, no help for the poor man, good people?  Why don't you swaddle
+him round with good tight girths, or secure his natural tub with a strong
+sorb-apple-tree hoop?  Nay, why don't you iron-bind him, if needs be?  This
+would keep the man from flying out and bursting.  The word was not yet out
+of his mouth when we heard something give a loud report, as if a huge
+sturdy oak had been split in two.  Then some of the neighbours told us that
+the bursting was over, and that the clap or crack which we heard was the
+last fart, and so there was an end of mine host.
+
+This made me call to mind a saying of the venerable abbot of Castilliers,
+the very same who never cared to hump his chambermaids but when he was in
+pontificalibus.  That pious person, being much dunned, teased, and
+importuned by his relations to resign his abbey in his old age, said and
+professed that he would not strip till he was ready to go to bed, and that
+the last fart which his reverend paternity was to utter should be the fart
+of an abbot.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XVIII.
+
+How our ships were stranded, and we were relieved by some people that were
+subject to Queen Whims (qui tenoient de la Quinte).
+
+We weighed and set sail with a merry westerly gale.  When about seven
+leagues off (twenty-two miles) some gusts or scuds of wind suddenly arose,
+and the wind veering and shifting from point to point, was, as they say,
+like an old woman's breech, at no certainty; so we first got our starboard
+tacks aboard, and hauled off our lee-sheets.  Then the gusts increased, and
+by fits blowed all at once from several quarters, yet we neither settled
+nor braided up close our sails, but only let fly the sheets, not to go
+against the master of the ship's direction; and thus having let go amain,
+lest we should spend our topsails, or the ship's quick-side should lie in
+the water and she be overset, we lay by and run adrift; that is, in a
+landloper's phrase, we temporized it.  For he assured us that, as these
+gusts and whirlwinds would not do us much good, so they could not do us
+much harm, considering their easiness and pleasant strife, as also the
+clearness of the sky and calmness of the current.  So that we were to
+observe the philosopher's rule, bear and forbear; that is, trim, or go
+according to the time.
+
+However, these whirlwinds and gusts lasted so long that we persuaded the
+master to let us go and lie at trie with our main course; that is, to haul
+the tack aboard, the sheet close aft, the bowline set up, and the helm tied
+close aboard; so, after a stormy gale of wind, we broke through the
+whirlwind.  But it was like falling into Scylla to avoid Charybdis (out of
+the frying-pan into the fire).  For we had not sailed a league ere our
+ships were stranded upon some sands such as are the flats of St. Maixent.
+
+All our company seemed mightily disturbed except Friar John, who was not a
+jot daunted, and with sweet sugar-plum words comforted now one and then
+another, giving them hopes of speedy assistance from above, and telling
+them that he had seen Castor at the main-yardarm.  Oh! that I were but now
+ashore, cried Panurge, that is all I wish for myself at present, and that
+you who like the sea so well had each man of you two hundred thousand
+crowns.  I would fairly let you set up shop on these sands, and would get a
+fat calf dressed and a hundred of faggots (i.e. bottles of wine) cooled for
+you against you come ashore.  I freely consent never to mount a wife, so
+you but set me ashore and mount me on a horse, that I may go home.  No
+matter for a servant, I will be contented to serve myself; I am never
+better treated than when I am without a man.  Faith, old Plautus was in the
+right on't when he said the more servants the more crosses; for such they
+are, even supposing they could want what they all have but too much of, a
+tongue, that most busy, dangerous, and pernicious member of servants.
+Accordingly, 'twas for their sakes alone that the racks and tortures for
+confession were invented, though some foreign civilians in our time have
+drawn alogical and unreasonable consequences from it.
+
+That very moment we spied a sail that made towards us.  When it was close
+by us, we soon knew what was the lading of the ship and who was aboard of
+her.  She was full freighted with drums.  I was acquainted with many of the
+passengers that came in her, who were most of 'em of good families; among
+the rest Harry Cotiral, an old toast, who had got a swinging ass's
+touch-tripe (penis) fastened to his waist, as the good women's beads are to their
+girdle.  In his left hand he held an old overgrown greasy foul cap, such as
+your scald-pated fellows wear, and in the right a huge cabbage-stump.
+
+As soon as he saw me he was overjoyed, and bawled out to me, What cheer,
+ho?  How dost like me now?  Behold the true Algamana (this he said showing
+me the ass's tickle-gizzard).  This doctor's cap is my true elixir; and
+this (continued he, shaking the cabbage-stump in his fist) is lunaria
+major, you old noddy.  I have 'em, old boy, I have 'em; we'll make 'em when
+thou'rt come back.  But pray, father, said I, whence come you?  Whither are
+you bound?  What's your lading?  Have you smelt the salt deep?  To these
+four questions he answered, From Queen Whims; for Touraine; alchemy; to the
+very bottom.
+
+Whom have you got o' board? said I.  Said he, Astrologers, fortune-tellers,
+alchemists, rhymers, poets, painters, projectors, mathematicians,
+watchmakers, sing-songs, musicianers, and the devil and all of others that
+are subject to Queen Whims (Motteux gives the following footnote:--'La
+Quinte, This means a fantastic Humour, Maggots, or a foolish Giddiness of
+Brains; and also, a fifth, or the Proportion of Five in music, &c.').  They
+have very fair legible patents to show for't, as anybody may see.  Panurge
+had no sooner heard this but he was upon the high-rope, and began to rail
+at them like mad.  What o' devil d'ye mean, cried he, to sit idly here like
+a pack of loitering sneaksbies, and see us stranded, while you may help us,
+and tow us off into the current?  A plague o' your whims! you can make all
+things whatsoever, they say, so much as good weather and little children;
+yet won't make haste to fasten some hawsers and cables, and get us off.  I
+was just coming to set you afloat, quoth Harry Cotiral; by Trismegistus,
+I'll clear you in a trice.  With this he caused 7,532,810 huge drums to be
+unheaded on one side, and set that open side so that it faced the end of
+the streamers and pendants; and having fastened them to good tacklings and
+our ship's head to the stern of theirs, with cables fastened to the bits
+abaft the manger in the ship's loof, they towed us off ground at one pull
+so easily and pleasantly that you'd have wondered at it had you been there.
+For the dub-a-dub rattling of the drums, with the soft noise of the gravel
+which murmuring disputed us our way, and the merry cheers and huzzas of the
+sailors, made an harmony almost as good as that of the heavenly bodies when
+they roll and are whirled round their spheres, which rattling of the
+celestial wheels Plato said he heard some nights in his sleep.
+
+We scorned to be behindhand with 'em in civility, and gratefully gave 'em
+store of our sausages and chitterlings, with which we filled their drums;
+and we were just a-hoisting two-and-sixty hogsheads of wine out of the
+hold, when two huge whirlpools with great fury made towards their ship,
+spouting more water than is in the river Vienne (Vigenne) from Chinon to
+Saumur; to make short, all their drums, all their sails, their concerns,
+and themselves were soused, and their very hose were watered by the collar.
+
+Panurge was so overjoyed, seeing this, and laughed so heartily, that he was
+forced to hold his sides, and it set him into a fit of the colic for two
+hours and more.  I had a mind, quoth he, to make the dogs drink, and those
+honest whirlpools, egad, have saved me that labour and that cost.  There's
+sauce for them; ariston men udor.  Water is good, saith a poet; let 'em
+Pindarize upon't.  They never cared for fresh water but to wash their hands
+or their glasses.  This good salt water will stand 'em in good stead for
+want of sal ammoniac and nitre in Geber's kitchen.
+
+We could not hold any further discourse with 'em; for the former whirlwind
+hindered our ship from feeling the helm.  The pilot advised us
+henceforwards to let her run adrift and follow the stream, not busying
+ourselves with anything, but making much of our carcasses.  For our only
+way to arrive safe at the queendom of Whims was to trust to the whirlwind
+and be led by the current.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XIX.
+
+How we arrived at the queendom of Whims or Entelechy.
+
+We did as he directed us for about twelve hours, and on the third day the
+sky seemed to us somewhat clearer, and we happily arrived at the port of
+Mateotechny, not far distant from Queen Whims, alias the Quintessence.
+
+We met full butt on the quay a great number of guards and other military
+men that garrisoned the arsenal, and we were somewhat frighted at first
+because they made us all lay down our arms, and in a haughty manner asked
+us whence we came.
+
+Cousin, quoth Panurge to him that asked the question, we are of Touraine,
+and come from France, being ambitious of paying our respects to the Lady
+Quintessence and visit this famous realm of Entelechy.
+
+What do you say? cried they; do you call it Entelechy or Endelechy?  Truly,
+truly, sweet cousins, quoth Panurge, we are a silly sort of grout-headed
+lobcocks, an't please you; be so kind as to forgive us if we chance to
+knock words out of joint.  As for anything else, we are downright honest
+fellows and true hearts.
+
+We have not asked you this question without a cause, said they; for a great
+number of others who have passed this way from your country of Touraine
+seemed as mere jolt-headed doddipolls as ever were scored o'er the coxcomb,
+yet spoke as correct as other folks.  But there has been here from other
+countries a pack of I know not what overweening self-conceited prigs, as
+moody as so many mules and as stout as any Scotch lairds, and nothing would
+serve these, forsooth, but they must wilfully wrangle and stand out against
+us at their coming; and much they got by it after all.  Troth, we e'en
+fitted them and clawed 'em off with a vengeance, for all they looked so big
+and so grum.
+
+Pray tell me, does your time lie so heavy upon you in your world that you
+do not know how to bestow it better than in thus impudently talking,
+disputing, and writing of our sovereign lady?  There was much need that
+your Tully, the consul, should go and leave the care of his commonwealth to
+busy himself idly about her; and after him your Diogenes Laertius, the
+biographer, and your Theodorus Gaza, the philosopher, and your Argiropilus,
+the emperor, and your Bessario, the cardinal, and your Politian, the
+pedant, and your Budaeus, the judge, and your Lascaris, the ambassador, and
+the devil and all of those you call lovers of wisdom; whose number, it
+seems, was not thought great enough already, but lately your Scaliger,
+Bigot, Chambrier, Francis Fleury, and I cannot tell how many such other
+junior sneaking fly-blows must take upon 'em to increase it.
+
+A squinsy gripe the cod's-headed changelings at the swallow and eke at the
+cover-weasel; we shall make 'em--But the deuce take 'em!  (They flatter the
+devil here, and smoothify his name, quoth Panurge, between his teeth.)  You
+don't come here, continued the captain, to uphold 'em in their folly; you
+have no commission from 'em to this effect; well then, we will talk no more
+on't.
+
+Aristotle, that first of men and peerless pattern of all philosophy, was
+our sovereign lady's godfather, and wisely and properly gave her the name
+of Entelechy.  Her true name then is Entelechy, and may he be in tail
+beshit, and entail a shit-a-bed faculty and nothing else on his family, who
+dares call her by any other name; for whoever he is, he does her wrong, and
+is a very impudent person.  You are heartily welcome, gentlemen.  With
+this they colled and clipped us about the neck, which was no small comfort
+to us, I'll assure you.
+
+Panurge then whispered me, Fellow-traveller, quoth he, hast thou not been
+somewhat afraid this bout?  A little, said I.  To tell you the truth of it,
+quoth he, never were the Ephraimites in a greater fear and quandary when
+the Gileadites killed and drowned them for saying sibboleth instead of
+shibboleth; and among friends, let me tell you that perhaps there is not a
+man in the whole country of Beauce but might easily have stopped my
+bunghole with a cartload of hay.
+
+The captain afterwards took us to the queen's palace, leading us silently
+with great formality.  Pantagruel would have said something to him, but the
+other, not being able to come up to his height, wished for a ladder or a
+very long pair of stilts; then said, Patience, if it were our sovereign
+lady's will, we would be as tall as you; well, we shall when she pleases.
+
+In the first galleries we saw great numbers of sick persons, differently
+placed according to their maladies.  The leprous were apart; those that
+were poisoned on one side; those that had got the plague on another; those
+that had the pox in the first rank, and the rest accordingly.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XX.
+
+How the Quintessence cured the sick with a song.
+
+The captain showed us the queen, attended with her ladies and gentlemen, in
+the second gallery.  She looked young, though she was at least eighteen
+hundred years old, and was handsome, slender, and as fine as a queen, that
+is, as hands could make her.  He then said to us:  It is not yet a fit time
+to speak to the queen; be you but mindful of her doings in the meanwhile.
+
+You have kings in your world that fantastically pretend to cure some
+certain diseases, as, for example, scrofula or wens, swelled throats,
+nicknamed the king's evil, and quartan agues, only with a touch; now our
+queen cures all manner of diseases without so much as touching the sick,
+but barely with a song, according to the nature of the distemper.  He then
+showed us a set of organs, and said that when it was touched by her those
+miraculous cures were performed.  The organ was indeed the strangest that
+ever eyes beheld; for the pipes were of cassia fistula in the cod; the top
+and cornice of guiacum; the bellows of rhubarb; the pedas of turbith, and
+the clavier or keys of scammony.
+
+While we were examining this wonderful new make of an organ, the leprous
+were brought in by her abstractors, spodizators, masticators, pregustics,
+tabachins, chachanins, neemanins, rabrebans, nercins, rozuins, nebidins,
+tearins, segamions, perarons, chasinins, sarins, soteins, aboth, enilins,
+archasdarpenins, mebins, chabourins, and other officers, for whom I want
+names; so she played 'em I don't know what sort of a tune or song, and they
+were all immediately cured.
+
+Then those who were poisoned were had in, and she had no sooner given them
+a song but they began to find a use for their legs, and up they got.  Then
+came on the deaf, the blind, and the dumb, and they too were restored to
+their lost faculties and senses with the same remedy; which did so
+strangely amaze us (and not without reason, I think) that down we fell on
+our faces, remaining prostrate, like men ravished in ecstasy, and were not
+able to utter one word through the excess of our admiration, till she came,
+and having touched Pantagruel with a fine fragrant nosegay of white roses
+which she held in her hand, thus made us recover our senses and get up.
+Then she made us the following speech in byssin words, such as Parisatis
+desired should be spoken to her son Cyrus, or at least of crimson alamode:
+
+The probity that scintillizes in the superfices of your persons informs my
+ratiocinating faculty, in a most stupendous manner, of the radiant virtues
+latent within the precious caskets and ventricles of your minds.  For,
+contemplating the mellifluous suavity of your thrice discreet reverences,
+it is impossible not to be persuaded with facility that neither your
+affections nor your intellects are vitiated with any defect or privation of
+liberal and exalted sciences.  Far from it, all must judge that in you are
+lodged a cornucopia and encyclopaedia, an unmeasurable profundity of
+knowledge in the most peregrine and sublime disciplines, so frequently the
+admiration, and so rarely the concomitants of the imperite vulgar.  This
+gently compels me, who in preceding times indefatigably kept my private
+affections absolutely subjugated, to condescend to make my application to
+you in the trivial phrase of the plebeian world, and assure you that you
+are well, more than most heartily welcome.
+
+I have no hand at making of speeches, quoth Panurge to me privately;
+prithee, man, make answer to her for us, if thou canst.  This would not
+work with me, however; neither did Pantagruel return a word.  So that Queen
+Whims, or Queen Quintessence (which you please), perceiving that we stood
+as mute as fishes, said:  Your taciturnity speaks you not only disciples of
+Pythagoras, from whom the venerable antiquity of my progenitors in
+successive propagation was emaned and derives its original, but also
+discovers, that through the revolution of many retrograde moons, you have
+in Egypt pressed the extremities of your fingers with the hard tenants of
+your mouths, and scalptized your heads with frequent applications of your
+unguicules.  In the school of Pythagoras, taciturnity was the symbol of
+abstracted and superlative knowledge, and the silence of the Egyptians was
+agnited as an expressive manner of divine adoration; this caused the
+pontiffs of Hierapolis to sacrifice to the great deity in silence,
+impercussively, without any vociferous or obstreperous sound.  My design is
+not to enter into a privation of gratitude towards you, but by a vivacious
+formality, though matter were to abstract itself from me, excentricate to
+you my cogitations.
+
+Having spoken this, she only said to her officers, Tabachins, a panacea;
+and straight they desired us not to take it amiss if the queen did not
+invite us to dine with her; for she never ate anything at dinner but some
+categories, jecabots, emnins, dimions, abstractions, harborins, chelemins,
+second intentions, carradoths, antitheses, metempsychoses, transcendent
+prolepsies, and such other light food.
+
+Then they took us into a little closet lined through with alarums, where we
+were treated God knows how.  It is said that Jupiter writes whatever is
+transacted in the world on the dipthera or skin of the Amalthaean goat that
+suckled him in Crete, which pelt served him instead of a shield against the
+Titans, whence he was nicknamed Aegiochos.  Now, as I hate to drink water,
+brother topers, I protest it would be impossible to make eighteen goatskins
+hold the description of all the good meat they brought before us, though it
+were written in characters as small as those in which were penned Homer's
+Iliads, which Tully tells us he saw enclosed in a nutshell.
+
+For my part, had I one hundred mouths, as many tongues, a voice of iron, a
+heart of oak, and lungs of leather, together with the mellifluous abundance
+of Plato, yet I never could give you a full account of a third part of a
+second of the whole.
+
+Pantagruel was telling me that he believed the queen had given the symbolic
+word used among her subjects to denote sovereign good cheer, when she said
+to her tabachins, A panacea; just as Lucullus used to say, In Apollo, when
+he designed to give his friends a singular treat; though sometimes they
+took him at unawares, as, among the rest, Cicero and Hortensius sometimes
+used to do.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXI.
+
+How the Queen passed her time after dinner.
+
+When we had dined, a chachanin led us into the queen's hall, and there we
+saw how, after dinner, with the ladies and the princes of her court, she
+used to sift, searce, bolt, range, and pass away time with a fine large
+white and blue silk sieve.  We also perceived how they revived ancient
+sports, diverting themselves together at--
+
+1.  Cordax.      6.  Phrygia.        11.  Monogas.
+2.  Emmelia.     7.  Thracia.        12.  Terminalia.
+3.  Sicinnia.    8.  Calabrisme.     13.  Floralia.
+4.  Jambics.     9.  Molossia.       14.  Pyrrhice.
+5.  Persica.    10.  Cernophorum.    15.  (Nicatism.)
+            And a thousand other dances.
+
+(Motteux has the following footnote:--'1. A sort of country-dance.  2. A
+still tragic dance.  3. Dancing and singing used at funerals.  4. Cutting
+sarcasms and lampoons.  5. The Persian dance.  6. Tunes, whose measure
+inspired men with a kind of divine fury.  7. The Thracian movement.  8.
+Smutty verses.  9. A measure to which the Molossi of Epirus danced a
+certain morrice.  10. A dance with bowls or pots in their hands.  11. A
+song where one sings alone.  12. Sports at the holidays of the god of
+bounds.  13. Dancing naked at Flora's holidays.  14. The Trojan dance in
+armour.')
+
+Afterwards she gave orders that they should show us the apartments and
+curiosities in her palace.  Accordingly we saw there such new, strange, and
+wonderful things, that I am still ravished in admiration every time I think
+of't.  However, nothing surprised us more than what was done by the
+gentlemen of her household, abstractors, parazons, nebidins, spodizators,
+and others, who freely and without the least dissembling told us that the
+queen their mistress did all impossible things, and cured men of incurable
+diseases; and they, her officers, used to do the rest.
+
+I saw there a young parazon cure many of the new consumption, I mean the
+pox, though they were never so peppered.  Had it been the rankest Roan ague
+(Anglice, the Covent-garden gout), 'twas all one to him; touching only
+their dentiform vertebrae thrice with a piece of a wooden shoe, he made
+them as wholesome as so many sucking-pigs.
+
+Another did thoroughly cure folks of dropsies, tympanies, ascites, and
+hyposarcides, striking them on the belly nine times with a Tenedian
+hatchet, without any solution of the continuum.
+
+Another cured all manner of fevers and agues on the spot, only with hanging
+a fox-tail on the left side of the patient's girdle.
+
+One removed the toothache only with washing thrice the root of the aching
+tooth with elder-vinegar, and letting it dry half-an-hour in the sun.
+
+Another the gout, whether hot or cold, natural or accidental, by barely
+making the gouty person shut his mouth and open his eyes.
+
+I saw another ease nine gentlemen of St. Francis's distemper ('A
+consumption in the pocket, or want of money; those of St. Francis's order
+must carry none about 'em.'--Motteux.) in a very short space of time,
+having clapped a rope about their necks, at the end of which hung a box
+with ten thousand gold crowns in't.
+
+One with a wonderful engine threw the houses out at the windows, by which
+means they were purged of all pestilential air.
+
+Another cured all the three kinds of hectics, the tabid, atrophes, and
+emaciated, without bathing, Tabian milk, dropax, alias depilatory, or other
+such medicaments, only turning the consumptive for three months into monks;
+and he assured me that if they did not grow fat and plump in a monastic way
+of living, they never would be fattened in this world, either by nature or
+by art.
+
+I saw another surrounded with a crowd of two sorts of women.  Some were
+young, quaint, clever, neat, pretty, juicy, tight, brisk, buxom, proper,
+kind-hearted, and as right as my leg, to any man's thinking.  The rest were
+old, weather-beaten, over-ridden, toothless, blear-eyed, tough, wrinkled,
+shrivelled, tawny, mouldy, phthisicky, decrepit hags, beldams, and walking
+carcasses.  We were told that his office was to cast anew those she-pieces
+of antiquity, and make them such as the pretty creatures whom we saw, who
+had been made young again that day, recovering at once the beauty, shape,
+size, and disposition which they enjoyed at sixteen; except their heels,
+that were now much shorter than in their former youth.
+
+This made them yet more apt to fall backwards whenever any man happened to
+touch 'em, than they had been before.  As for their counterparts, the old
+mother-scratch-tobies, they most devoutly waited for the blessed hour when
+the batch that was in the oven was to be drawn, that they might have their
+turns, and in a mighty haste they were pulling and hauling the man like
+mad, telling him that 'tis the most grievous and intolerable thing in
+nature for the tail to be on fire and the head to scare away those who
+should quench it.
+
+The officer had his hands full, never wanting patients; neither did his
+place bring him in little, you may swear.  Pantagruel asked him whether he
+could also make old men young again.  He said he could not.  But the way to
+make them new men was to get 'em to cohabit with a new-cast female; for
+this they caught that fifth kind of crinckams, which some call pellade, in
+Greek, ophiasis, that makes them cast off their old hair and skin, just as
+the serpents do, and thus their youth is renewed like the Arabian
+phoenix's.  This is the true fountain of youth, for there the old and
+decrepit become young, active, and lusty.
+
+Just so, as Euripides tells us, Iolaus was transmogrified; and thus Phaon,
+for whom kind-hearted Sappho run wild, grew young again, for Venus's use;
+so Tithon by Aurora's means; so Aeson by Medea, and Jason also, who, if
+you'll believe Pherecides and Simonides, was new-vamped and dyed by that
+witch; and so were the nurses of jolly Bacchus, and their husbands, as
+Aeschylus relates.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXII.
+
+How Queen Whims' officers were employed; and how the said lady retained us
+among her abstractors.
+
+I then saw a great number of the queen's officers, who made blackamoors
+white as fast as hops, just rubbing their bellies with the bottom of a
+pannier.
+
+Others, with three couples of foxes in one yoke, ploughed a sandy shore,
+and did not lose their seed.
+
+Others washed burnt tiles, and made them lose their colour.
+
+Others extracted water out of pumice-stones, braying them a good while in a
+mortar, and changed their substance.
+
+Others sheared asses, and thus got long fleece wool.
+
+Others gathered barberries and figs off of thistles.
+
+Others stroked he-goats by the dugs, and saved their milk in a sieve; and
+much they got by it.
+
+(Others washed asses' heads without losing their soap.)
+
+Others taught cows to dance, and did not lose their fiddling.
+
+Others pitched nets to catch the wind, and took cock-lobsters in them.
+
+I saw a spodizator, who very artificially got farts out of a dead ass, and
+sold 'em for fivepence an ell.
+
+Another did putrefy beetles.  O the dainty food!
+
+Poor Panurge fairly cast up his accounts, and gave up his halfpenny (i.e.
+vomited), seeing an archasdarpenin who laid a huge plenty of chamber lye to
+putrefy in horsedung, mishmashed with abundance of Christian sir-reverence.
+Pugh, fie upon him, nasty dog!  However, he told us that with this sacred
+distillation he watered kings and princes, and made their sweet lives a
+fathom or two the longer.
+
+Others built churches to jump over the steeples.
+
+Others set carts before the horses, and began to flay eels at the tail;
+neither did the eels cry before they were hurt, like those of Melun.
+
+Others out of nothing made great things, and made great things return to
+nothing.
+
+Others cut fire into steaks with a knife, and drew water with a fish-net.
+
+Others made chalk of cheese, and honey of a dog's t--d.
+
+We saw a knot of others, about a baker's dozen in number, tippling under an
+arbour.  They toped out of jolly bottomless cups four sorts of cool,
+sparkling, pure, delicious, vine-tree sirup, which went down like mother's
+milk; and healths and bumpers flew about like lightning.  We were told that
+these true philosophers were fairly multiplying the stars by drinking till
+the seven were fourteen, as brawny Hercules did with Atlas.
+
+Others made a virtue of necessity, and the best of a bad market, which
+seemed to me a very good piece of work.
+
+Others made alchemy (i.e. sir-reverence) with their teeth, and clapping
+their hind retort to the recipient, made scurvy faces, and then squeezed.
+
+Others, in a large grass plot, exactly measured how far the fleas could go
+at a hop, a step, and jump; and told us that this was exceedingly useful
+for the ruling of kingdoms, the conduct of armies, and the administration
+of commonwealths; and that Socrates, who first got philosophy out of
+heaven, and from idling and trifling made it profitable and of moment, used
+to spend half his philosophizing time in measuring the leaps of fleas, as
+Aristophanes the quintessential affirms.
+
+I saw two gibroins by themselves keeping watch on the top of a tower, and
+we were told they guarded the moon from the wolves.
+
+In a blind corner I met four more very hot at it, and ready to go to
+loggerheads.  I asked what was the cause of the stir and ado, the mighty
+coil and pother they made.  And I heard that for four livelong days those
+overwise roisters had been at it ding-dong, disputing on three high, more
+than metaphysical propositions, promising themselves mountains of gold by
+solving them.  The first was concerning a he-ass's shadow; the second, of
+the smoke of a lantern; and the third of goat's hair, whether it were wool
+or no.  We heard that they did not think it a bit strange that two
+contradictions in mode, form, figure, and time should be true; though I
+will warrant the sophists of Paris had rather be unchristened than own so
+much.
+
+While we were admiring all those men's wonderful doings, the evening star
+already twinkling, the queen (God bless her!) appeared, attended with her
+court, and again amazed and dazzled us.  She perceived it, and said to us:
+
+What occasions the aberrations of human cogitations through the perplexing
+labyrinths and abysses of admiration, is not the source of the effects,
+which sagacious mortals visibly experience to be the consequential result
+of natural causes.  'Tis the novelty of the experiment which makes
+impressions on their conceptive, cogitative faculties; that do not previse
+the facility of the operation adequately, with a subact and sedate
+intellection, associated with diligent and congruous study.  Consequently
+let all manner of perturbation abdicate the ventricles of your brains, if
+anyone has invaded them while they were contemplating what is transacted by
+my domestic ministers.  Be spectators and auditors of every particular
+phenomenon and every individual proposition within the extent of my
+mansion; satiate yourselves with all that can fall here under the
+consideration of your visual or auscultating powers, and thus emancipate
+yourselves from the servitude of crassous ignorance.  And that you may be
+induced to apprehend how sincerely I desire this in consideration of the
+studious cupidity that so demonstratively emicates at your external organs,
+from this present particle of time I retain you as my abstractors.  Geber,
+my principal Tabachin, shall register and initiate you at your departing.
+
+We humbly thanked her queenship without saying a word, accepting of the
+noble office she conferred on us.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXIII.
+
+How the Queen was served at dinner, and of her way of eating.
+
+Queen Whims after this said to her gentlemen:  The orifice of the
+ventricle, that ordinary embassador for the alimentation of all members,
+whether superior or inferior, importunes us to restore, by the apposition
+of idoneous sustenance, what was dissipated by the internal calidity's
+action on the radical humidity.  Therefore spodizators, gesinins, memains,
+and parazons, be not culpable of dilatory protractions in the apposition of
+every re-roborating species, but rather let them pullulate and superabound
+on the tables.  As for you, nobilissim praegustators, and my gentilissim
+masticators, your frequently experimented industry, internected with
+perdiligent sedulity and sedulous perdiligence, continually adjuvates you
+to perficiate all things in so expeditious a manner that there is no
+necessity of exciting in you a cupidity to consummate them.  Therefore I
+can only suggest to you still to operate as you are assuefacted
+indefatigably to operate.
+
+Having made this fine speech, she retired for a while with part of her
+women, and we were told that 'twas to bathe, as the ancients did more
+commonly than we use nowadays to wash our hands before we eat.  The tables
+were soon placed, the cloth spread, and then the queen sat down.  She ate
+nothing but celestial ambrosia, and drank nothing but divine nectar.  As
+for the lords and ladies that were there, they, as well as we, fared on as
+rare, costly, and dainty dishes as ever Apicius wot or dreamed of in his
+life.
+
+When we were as round as hoops, and as full as eggs, with stuffing the gut,
+an olla podrida ('Some call it an Olio.  Rabelais Pot-pourry.'--Motteux.)
+was set before us to force hunger to come to terms with us, in case it had
+not granted us a truce; and such a huge vast thing it was that the plate
+which Pythius Althius gave King Darius would hardly have covered it.  The
+olla consisted of several sorts of pottages, salads, fricassees,
+saugrenees, cabirotadoes, roast and boiled meat, carbonadoes, swingeing
+pieces of powdered beef, good old hams, dainty somates, cakes, tarts, a
+world of curds after the Moorish way, fresh cheese, jellies, and fruit of
+all sorts.  All this seemed to me good and dainty; however, the sight of it
+made me sigh; for alas! I could not taste a bit on't, so full I had filled
+my puddings before, and a bellyful is a bellyful you know.  Yet I must tell
+you what I saw that seemed to me odd enough o' conscience; 'twas some
+pasties in paste; and what should those pasties in paste be, d'ye think,
+but pasties in pots?  At the bottom I perceived store of dice, cards,
+tarots ('Great cards on which many different things are figured.'
+--Motteux.), luettes ('Pieces of ivory to play withal.'--Motteux.),
+chessmen, and chequers, besides full bowls of gold crowns, for those who had
+a mind to have a game or two and try their chance.  Under this I saw a jolly
+company of mules in stately trappings, with velvet footcloths, and a troop
+of ambling nags, some for men and some for women; besides I don't know how
+many litters all lined with velvet, and some coaches of Ferrara make; all
+this for those who had a mind to take the air.
+
+This did not seem strange to me; but if anything did 'twas certainly the
+queen's way of eating, and truly 'twas very new, and very odd; for she
+chewed nothing, the good lady; not but that she had good sound teeth, and
+her meat required to be masticated, but such was her highness's custom.
+When her praegustators had tasted the meat, her masticators took it and
+chewed it most nobly; for their dainty chops and gullets were lined through
+with crimson satin, with little welts and gold purls, and their teeth were
+of delicate white ivory.  Thus, when they had chewed the meat ready for her
+highness's maw, they poured it down her throat through a funnel of fine
+gold, and so on to her craw.  For that reason they told us she never
+visited a close-stool but by proxy.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXIV.
+
+How there was a ball in the manner of a tournament, at which Queen Whims
+was present.
+
+After supper there was a ball in the form of a tilt or a tournament, not
+only worth seeing, but also never to be forgotten.  First, the floor of the
+hall was covered with a large piece of velveted white and yellow chequered
+tapestry, each chequer exactly square, and three full spans in breadth.
+
+Then thirty-two young persons came into the hall; sixteen of them arrayed
+in cloth of gold, and of these eight were young nymphs such as the ancients
+described Diana's attendants; the other eight were a king, a queen, two
+wardens of the castle, two knights, and two archers.  Those of the other
+band were clad in cloth of silver.
+
+They posted themselves on the tapestry in the following manner:  the kings
+on the last line on the fourth square; so that the golden king was on a
+white square, and the silvered king on a yellow square, and each queen by
+her king; the golden queen on a yellow square, and the silvered queen on a
+white one:  and on each side stood the archers to guide their kings and
+queens; by the archers the knights, and the wardens by them.  In the next
+row before 'em stood the eight nymphs; and between the two bands of nymphs
+four rows of squares stood empty.
+
+Each band had its musicians, eight on each side, dressed in its livery; the
+one with orange-coloured damask, the other with white; and all played on
+different instruments most melodiously and harmoniously, still varying in
+time and measure as the figure of the dance required.  This seemed to me an
+admirable thing, considering the numerous diversity of steps, back-steps,
+bounds, rebounds, jerks, paces, leaps, skips, turns, coupes, hops,
+leadings, risings, meetings, flights, ambuscadoes, moves, and removes.
+
+I was also at a loss when I strove to comprehend how the dancers could so
+suddenly know what every different note meant; for they no sooner heard
+this or that sound but they placed themselves in the place which was
+denoted by the music, though their motions were all different.  For the
+nymphs that stood in the first file, as if they designed to begin the
+fight, marched straight forwards to their enemies from square to square,
+unless it were the first step, at which they were free to move over two
+steps at once.  They alone never fall back (which is not very natural to
+other nymphs), and if any of them is so lucky as to advance to the opposite
+king's row, she is immediately crowned queen of her king, and after that
+moves with the same state and in the same manner as the queen; but till
+that happens they never strike their enemies but forwards, and obliquely in
+a diagonal line.  However, they make it not their chief business to take
+their foes; for, if they did, they would leave their queen exposed to the
+adverse parties, who then might take her.
+
+The kings move and take their enemies on all sides square-ways, and only
+step from a white square into a yellow one, and vice versa, except at their
+first step the rank should want other officers than the wardens; for then
+they can set 'em in their place, and retire by him.
+
+The queens take a greater liberty than any of the rest; for they move
+backwards and forwards all manner of ways, in a straight line as far as
+they please, provided the place be not filled with one of her own party,
+and diagonally also, keeping to the colour on which she stands.
+
+The archers move backwards or forwards, far and near, never changing the
+colour on which they stand.  The knights move and take in a lineal manner,
+stepping over one square, though a friend or foe stand upon it, posting
+themselves on the second square to the right or left, from one colour to
+another, which is very unwelcome to the adverse party, and ought to be
+carefully observed, for they take at unawares.
+
+The wardens move and take to the right or left, before or behind them, like
+the kings, and can advance as far as they find places empty; which liberty
+the kings take not.
+
+The law which both sides observe is, at the end of the fight, to besiege
+and enclose the king of either party, so that he may not be able to move;
+and being reduced to that extremity, the battle is over, and he loses the
+day.
+
+Now, to avoid this, there is none of either sex of each party but is
+willing to sacrifice his or her life, and they begin to take one another on
+all sides in time, as soon as the music strikes up.  When anyone takes a
+prisoner, he makes his honours, and striking him gently in the hand, puts
+him out of the field and combat, and encamps where he stood.
+
+If one of the kings chance to stand where he might be taken, it is not
+lawful for any of his adversaries that had discovered him to lay hold on
+him; far from it, they are strictly enjoined humbly to pay him their
+respects, and give him notice, saying, God preserve you, sir! that his
+officers may relieve and cover him, or he may remove, if unhappily he could
+not be relieved.  However, he is not to be taken, but greeted with a
+Good-morrow, the others bending the knee; and thus the tournament uses
+to end.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXV.
+
+How the thirty-two persons at the ball fought.
+
+The two companies having taken their stations, the music struck up, and
+with a martial sound, which had something of horrid in it, like a point of
+war, roused and alarmed both parties, who now began to shiver, and then
+soon were warmed with warlike rage; and having got in readiness to fight
+desperately, impatient of delay stood waiting for the charge.
+
+Then the music of the silvered band ceased playing, and the instruments of
+the golden side alone were heard, which denoted that the golden party
+attacked.  Accordingly, a new movement was played for the onset, and we saw
+the nymph who stood before the queen turn to the left towards her king, as
+it were to ask leave to fight; and thus saluting her company at the same
+time, she moved two squares forwards, and saluted the adverse party.
+
+Now the music of the golden brigade ceased playing, and their antagonists
+began again.  I ought to have told you that the nymph who began by saluting
+her company, had by that formality also given them to understand that they
+were to fall on.  She was saluted by them in the same manner, with a full
+turn to the left, except the queen, who went aside towards her king to the
+right; and the same manner of salutation was observed on both sides during
+the whole ball.
+
+The silvered nymph that stood before her queen likewise moved as soon as
+the music of her party sounded a charge; her salutations, and those of her
+side, were to the right, and her queen's to the left.  She moved in the
+second square forwards, and saluted her antagonists, facing the first
+golden nymph; so that there was not any distance between them, and you
+would have thought they two had been going to fight; but they only strike
+sideways.
+
+Their comrades, whether silvered or golden, followed 'em in an intercalary
+figure, and seemed to skirmish a while, till the golden nymph who had first
+entered the lists, striking a silvered nymph in the hand on the right, put
+her out of the field, and set herself in her place.  But soon the music
+playing a new measure, she was struck by a silvered archer, who after that
+was obliged himself to retire.  A silvered knight then sallied out, and the
+golden queen posted herself before her king.
+
+Then the silvered king, dreading the golden queen's fury, removed to the
+right, to the place where his warden stood, which seemed to him strong and
+well guarded.
+
+The two knights on the left, whether golden or silvered, marched up, and on
+either side took up many nymphs who could not retreat; principally the
+golden knight, who made this his whole business; but the silvered knight
+had greater designs, dissembling all along, and even sometimes not taking a
+nymph when he could have done it, still moving on till he was come up to
+the main body of the enemies in such a manner that he saluted their king
+with a God save you, sir!
+
+The whole golden brigade quaked for fear and anger, those words giving
+notice of their king's danger; not but that they could soon relieve him,
+but because their king being thus saluted they were to lose their warden on
+the right wing without any hopes of a recovery.  Then the golden king
+retired to the left, and the silvered knight took the golden warden, which
+was a mighty loss to that party.  However, they resolved to be revenged,
+and surrounded the knight that he might not escape.  He tried to get off,
+behaving himself with a great deal of gallantry, and his friends did what
+they could to save him; but at last he fell into the golden queen's hands,
+and was carried off.
+
+Her forces, not yet satisfied, having lost one of her best men, with more
+fury than conduct moved about, and did much mischief among their enemies.
+The silvered party warily dissembled, watching their opportunity to be even
+with them, and presented one of their nymphs to the golden queen, having
+laid an ambuscado; so that the nymph being taken, a golden archer had like
+to have seized the silvered queen.  Then the golden knight undertakes to
+take the silvered king and queen, and says, Good-morrow!  Then the silvered
+archer salutes them, and was taken by a golden nymph, and she herself by a
+silvered one.
+
+The fight was obstinate and sharp.  The wardens left their posts, and
+advanced to relieve their friends.  The battle was doubtful, and victory
+hovered over both armies.  Now the silvered host charge and break through
+their enemy's ranks as far as the golden king's tent, and now they are
+beaten back.  The golden queen distinguishes herself from the rest by her
+mighty achievements still more than by her garb and dignity; for at once
+she takes an archer, and, going sideways, seizes a silvered warden.  Which
+thing the silvered queen perceiving, she came forwards, and, rushing on
+with equal bravery, takes the last golden warden and some nymphs.  The two
+queens fought a long while hand to hand; now striving to take each other by
+surprise, then to save themselves, and sometimes to guard their kings.
+Finally, the golden queen took the silvered queen; but presently after she
+herself was taken by the silvered archer.
+
+Then the silvered king had only three nymphs, an archer, and a warden left,
+and the golden only three nymphs and the right knight, which made them
+fight more slowly and warily than before.  The two kings seemed to mourn
+for the loss of their loving queens, and only studied and endeavoured to
+get new ones out of all their nymphs to be raised to that dignity, and thus
+be married to them.  This made them excite those brave nymphs to strive to
+reach the farthest rank, where stood the king of the contrary party,
+promising them certainly to have them crowned if they could do this.  The
+golden nymphs were beforehand with the others, and out of their number was
+created a queen, who was dressed in royal robes, and had a crown set on her
+head.  You need not doubt the silvered nymphs made also what haste they
+could to be queens.  One of them was within a step of the coronation place,
+but there the golden knight lay ready to intercept her, so that she could
+go no further.
+
+The new golden queen, resolved to show herself valiant and worthy of her
+advancement to the crown, achieved great feats of arms.  But in the
+meantime the silvered knight takes the golden warden who guarded the camp;
+and thus there was a new silvered queen, who, like the other, strove to
+excel in heroic deeds at the beginning of her reign.  Thus the fight grew
+hotter than before.  A thousand stratagems, charges, rallyings, retreats,
+and attacks were tried on both sides; till at last the silvered queen,
+having by stealth advanced as far as the golden king's tent, cried, God
+save you, sir!  Now none but his new queen could relieve him; so she
+bravely came and exposed herself to the utmost extremity to deliver him out
+of it.  Then the silvered warden with his queen reduced the golden king to
+such a stress that, to save himself, he was forced to lose his queen; but
+the golden king took him at last.  However, the rest of the golden party
+were soon taken; and that king being left alone, the silvered party made
+him a low bow, crying, Good morrow, sir! which denoted that the silvered
+king had got the day.
+
+This being heard, the music of both parties loudly proclaimed the victory.
+And thus the first battle ended to the unspeakable joy of all the
+spectators.
+
+After this the two brigades took their former stations, and began to tilt a
+second time, much as they had done before, only the music played somewhat
+faster than at the first battle, and the motions were altogether different.
+I saw the golden queen sally out one of the first, with an archer and a
+knight, as it were angry at the former defeat, and she had like to have
+fallen upon the silvered king in his tent among his officers; but having
+been baulked in her attempt, she skirmished briskly, and overthrew so many
+silvered nymphs and officers that it was a most amazing sight.  You would
+have sworn she had been another Penthesilea; for she behaved herself with
+as much bravery as that Amazonian queen did at Troy.
+
+But this havoc did not last long; for the silvered party, exasperated by
+their loss, resolved to perish or stop her progress; and having posted an
+archer in ambuscado on a distant angle, together with a knight-errant, her
+highness fell into their hands and was carried out of the field.  The rest
+were soon routed after the taking of their queen, who, without doubt, from
+that time resolved to be more wary and keep near her king, without
+venturing so far amidst her enemies unless with more force to defend her.
+Thus the silvered brigade once more got the victory.
+
+This did not dishearten or deject the golden party; far from it.  They soon
+appeared again in the field to face their enemies; and being posted as
+before, both the armies seemed more resolute and cheerful than ever.  Now
+the martial concert began, and the music was above a hemiole the quicker,
+according to the warlike Phrygian mode, such as was invented by Marsyas.
+
+Then our combatants began to wheel about, and charge with such a swiftness
+that in an instant they made four moves, besides the usual salutations.  So
+that they were continually in action, flying, hovering, jumping, vaulting,
+curvetting, with petauristical turns and motions, and often intermingled.
+
+Seeing them then turn about on one foot after they had made their honours,
+we compared them to your tops or gigs, such as boys use to whip about,
+making them turn round so swiftly that they sleep, as they call it, and
+motion cannot be perceived, but resembles rest, its contrary; so that if
+you make a point or mark on some part of one of those gigs, 'twill be
+perceived not as a point, but a continual line, in a most divine manner, as
+Cusanus has wisely observed.
+
+While they were thus warmly engaged, we heard continually the claps and
+episemapsies which those of the two bands reiterated at the taking of their
+enemies; and this, joined to the variety of their motions and music, would
+have forced smiles out of the most severe Cato, the never-laughing Crassus,
+the Athenian man-hater, Timon; nay, even whining Heraclitus, though he
+abhorred laughing, the action that is most peculiar to man.  For who could
+have forborne? seeing those young warriors, with their nymphs and queens,
+so briskly and gracefully advance, retire, jump, leap, skip, spring, fly,
+vault, caper, move to the right, to the left, every way still in time, so
+swiftly, and yet so dexterously, that they never touched one another but
+methodically.
+
+As the number of the combatants lessened, the pleasure of the spectators
+increased; for the stratagems and motions of the remaining forces were more
+singular.  I shall only add that this pleasing entertainment charmed us to
+such a degree that our minds were ravished with admiration and delight, and
+the martial harmony moved our souls so powerfully that we easily believed
+what is said of Ismenias's having excited Alexander to rise from table and
+run to his arms, with such a warlike melody.  At last the golden king
+remained master of the field; and while we were minding those dances, Queen
+Whims vanished, so that we saw her no more from that day to this.
+
+Then Geber's michelots conducted us, and we were set down among her
+abstractors, as her queenship had commanded.  After that we returned to the
+port of Mateotechny, and thence straight aboard our ships; for the wind was
+fair, and had we not hoisted out of hand, we could hardly have got off in
+three quarters of a moon in the wane.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXVI.
+
+How we came to the island of Odes, where the ways go up and down.
+
+We sailed before the wind, between a pair of courses, and in two days made
+the island of Odes, at which place we saw a very strange thing.  The ways
+there are animals; so true is Aristotle's saying, that all self-moving
+things are animals.  Now the ways walk there.  Ergo, they are then animals.
+Some of them are strange unknown ways, like those of the planets; others
+are highways, crossways, and byways.  I perceived that the travellers and
+inhabitants of that country asked, Whither does this way go?  Whither does
+that way go?  Some answered, Between Midy and Fevrolles, to the parish
+church, to the city, to the river, and so forth.  Being thus in their right
+way, they used to reach their journey's end without any further trouble,
+just like those who go by water from Lyons to Avignon or Arles.
+
+Now, as you know that nothing is perfect here below, we heard there was a
+sort of people whom they called highwaymen, waybeaters, and makers of
+inroads in roads; and that the poor ways were sadly afraid of them, and
+shunned them as you do robbers.  For these used to waylay them, as people
+lay trains for wolves, and set gins for woodcocks.  I saw one who was taken
+up with a lord chief justice's warrant for having unjustly, and in spite of
+Pallas, taken the schoolway, which is the longest.  Another boasted that he
+had fairly taken his shortest, and that doing so he first compassed his
+design.  Thus, Carpalin, meeting once Epistemon looking upon a wall with
+his fiddle-diddle, or live urinal, in his hand, to make a little maid's
+water, cried that he did not wonder now how the other came to be still the
+first at Pantagruel's levee, since he held his shortest and least used.
+
+I found Bourges highway among these.  It went with the deliberation of an
+abbot, but was made to scamper at the approach of some waggoners, who
+threatened to have it trampled under their horses' feet, and make their
+waggons run over it, as Tullia's chariot did over her father's body.
+
+I also espied there the old way between Peronne and St. Quentin, which
+seemed to me a very good, honest, plain way, as smooth as a carpet, and as
+good as ever was trod upon by shoe of leather.
+
+Among the rocks I knew again the good old way to La Ferrare, mounted on a
+huge bear.  This at a distance would have put me in mind of St. Jerome's
+picture, had but the bear been a lion; for the poor way was all mortified,
+and wore a long hoary beard uncombed and entangled, which looked like the
+picture of winter, or at least like a white-frosted bush.
+
+On that way were store of beads or rosaries, coarsely made of wild
+pine-tree; and it seemed kneeling, not standing, nor lying flat; but its
+sides and middle were beaten with huge stones, insomuch that it proved to us
+at once an object of fear and pity.
+
+While we were examining it, a runner, bachelor of the place, took us aside,
+and showing us a white smooth way, somewhat filled with straw, said,
+Henceforth, gentlemen, do not reject the opinion of Thales the Milesian,
+who said that water is the beginning of all things, nor that of Homer, who
+tells us that all things derive their original from the ocean; for this
+same way which you see here had its beginning from water, and is to return
+whence she came before two months come to an end; now carts are driven here
+where boats used to be rowed.
+
+Truly, said Pantagruel, you tell us no news; we see five hundred such
+changes, and more, every year, in our world.  Then reflecting on the
+different manner of going of those moving ways, he told us he believed that
+Philolaus and Aristarchus had philosophized in this island, and that
+Seleucus (Motteux reads--'that some, indeed, were of opinion.'), indeed,
+was of opinion the earth turns round about its poles, and not the heavens,
+whatever we may think to the contrary; as, when we are on the river Loire,
+we think the trees and the shore moves, though this is only an effect of
+our boat's motion.
+
+As we went back to our ships, we saw three waylayers, who, having been
+taken in ambuscado, were going to be broken on the wheel; and a huge
+fornicator was burned with a lingering fire for beating a way and breaking
+one of its sides; we were told it was the way of the banks of the Nile in
+Egypt.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXVII.
+
+How we came to the island of Sandals; and of the order of Semiquaver
+Friars.
+
+Thence we went to the island of Sandals, whose inhabitants live on nothing
+but ling-broth.  However, we were very kindly received and entertained by
+Benius the Third, king of the island, who, after he had made us drink, took
+us with him to show us a spick-and-span new monastery which he had
+contrived for the Semiquaver Friars; so he called the religious men whom he
+had there.  For he said that on t'other side the water lived friars who
+styled themselves her sweet ladyship's most humble servants.  Item, the
+goodly Friar-minors, who are semibreves of bulls; the smoked-herring tribe
+of Minim Friars; then the Crotchet Friars.  So that these diminutives could
+be no more than Semiquavers.  By the statutes, bulls, and patents of Queen
+Whims, they were all dressed like so many house-burners, except that, as in
+Anjou your bricklayers use to quilt their knees when they tile houses, so
+these holy friars had usually quilted bellies, and thick quilted paunches
+were among them in much repute.  Their codpieces were cut slipper-fashion,
+and every monk among them wore two--one sewed before and another behind
+--reporting that some certain dreadful mysteries were duly represented by
+this duplicity of codpieces.
+
+They wore shoes as round as basins, in imitation of those who inhabit the
+sandy sea.  Their chins were close-shaved, and their feet iron-shod; and to
+show they did not value fortune, Benius made them shave and poll the hind
+part of their polls as bare as a bird's arse, from the crown to the
+shoulder-blades; but they had leave to let their hair grow before, from the
+two triangular bones in the upper part of the skull.
+
+Thus did they not value fortune a button, and cared no more for the goods
+of this world than you or I do for hanging.  And to show how much they
+defied that blind jilt, all of them wore, not in their hands like her, but
+at their waist, instead of beads, sharp razors, which they used to
+new-grind twice a day and set thrice a night.
+
+Each of them had a round ball on their feet, because Fortune is said to
+have one under hers.
+
+The flap of their cowls hanged forward, and not backwards, like those of
+others.  Thus none could see their noses, and they laughed without fear
+both at fortune and the fortunate; neither more nor less than our ladies
+laugh at barefaced trulls when they have those mufflers on which they call
+masks, and which were formerly much more properly called charity, because
+they cover a multitude of sins.
+
+The hind part of their faces were always uncovered, as are our faces, which
+made them either go with their belly or the arse foremost, which they
+pleased.  When their hind face went forwards, you would have sworn this had
+been their natural gait, as well on account of their round shoes as of the
+double codpiece, and their face behind, which was as bare as the back of my
+hand, and coarsely daubed over with two eyes and a mouth, such as you see
+on some Indian nuts.  Now, if they offered to waddle along with their
+bellies forwards, you would have thought they were then playing at
+blindman's buff.  May I never be hanged if 'twas not a comical sight.
+
+Their way of living was thus:  about owl-light they charitably began to
+boot and spur one another.  This being done, the least thing they did was
+to sleep and snore; and thus sleeping, they had barnacles on the handles of
+their faces, or spectacles at most.
+
+You may swear we did not a little wonder at this odd fancy; but they
+satisfied us presently, telling us that the day of judgment is to take
+mankind napping; therefore, to show they did not refuse to make their
+personal appearance as fortune's darlings use to do, they were always thus
+booted and spurred, ready to mount whenever the trumpet should sound.
+
+At noon, as soon as the clock struck, they used to awake.  You must know
+that their clock-bell, church-bells, and refectory-bells were all made
+according to the pontial device, that is, quilted with the finest down, and
+their clappers of fox-tails.
+
+Having then made shift to get up at noon, they pulled off their boots, and
+those that wanted to speak with a maid, alias piss, pissed; those that
+wanted to scumber, scumbered; and those that wanted to sneeze, sneezed.
+But all, whether they would or no (poor gentlemen!), were obliged largely
+and plentifully to yawn; and this was their first breakfast (O rigorous
+statute!).  Methought 'twas very comical to observe their transactions;
+for, having laid their boots and spurs on a rack, they went into the
+cloisters.  There they curiously washed their hands and mouths; then sat
+them down on a long bench, and picked their teeth till the provost gave the
+signal, whistling through his fingers; then every he stretched out his jaws
+as much as he could, and they gaped and yawned for about half-an-hour,
+sometimes more, sometimes less, according as the prior judged the breakfast
+to be suitable to the day.
+
+After that they went in procession, two banners being carried before them,
+in one of which was the picture of Virtue, and that of Fortune in the
+other.  The last went before, carried by a semi-quavering friar, at whose
+heels was another, with the shadow or image of Virtue in one hand and an
+holy-water sprinkle in the other--I mean of that holy mercurial water which
+Ovid describes in his Fasti.  And as the preceding Semiquaver rang a
+handbell, this shaked the sprinkle with his fist.  With that says
+Pantagruel, This order contradicts the rule which Tully and the academics
+prescribed, that Virtue ought to go before, and Fortune follow.  But they
+told us they did as they ought, seeing their design was to breech, lash,
+and bethwack Fortune.
+
+During the processions they trilled and quavered most melodiously betwixt
+their teeth I do not know what antiphones, or chantings, by turns.  For my
+part, 'twas all Hebrew-Greek to me, the devil a word I could pick out on't;
+at last, pricking up my ears, and intensely listening, I perceived they
+only sang with the tip of theirs.  Oh, what a rare harmony it was!  How
+well 'twas tuned to the sound of their bells!  You'll never find these to
+jar, that you won't.  Pantagruel made a notable observation upon the
+processions; for says he, Have you seen and observed the policy of these
+Semiquavers?  To make an end of their procession they went out at one of
+their church doors and came in at the other; they took a deal of care not
+to come in at the place whereat they went out.  On my honour, these are a
+subtle sort of people, quoth Panurge; they have as much wit as three folks,
+two fools and a madman; they are as wise as the calf that ran nine miles to
+suck a bull, and when he came there 'twas a steer.  This subtlety and
+wisdom of theirs, cried Friar John, is borrowed from the occult philosophy.
+May I be gutted like an oyster if I can tell what to make on't.  Then the
+more 'tis to be feared, said Pantagruel; for subtlety suspected, subtlety
+foreseen, subtlety found out, loses the essence and very name of subtlety,
+and only gains that of blockishness.  They are not such fools as you take
+them to be; they have more tricks than are good, I doubt.
+
+After the procession they went sluggingly into the fratery-room, by the way
+of walk and healthful exercise, and there kneeled under the tables, leaning
+their breasts on lanterns.  While they were in that posture, in came a huge
+Sandal, with a pitchfork in his hand, who used to baste, rib-roast,
+swaddle, and swinge them well-favouredly, as they said, and in truth
+treated them after a fashion.  They began their meal as you end yours, with
+cheese, and ended it with mustard and lettuce, as Martial tells us the
+ancients did.  Afterwards a platterful of mustard was brought before every
+one of them, and thus they made good the proverb, After meat comes mustard.
+
+      Their diet was this:
+
+O' Sundays they stuffed their puddings with puddings, chitterlings, links,
+Bologna sausages, forced-meats, liverings, hogs' haslets, young quails, and
+teals.  You must also always add cheese for the first course, and mustard
+for the last.
+
+O' Mondays they were crammed with peas and pork, cum commento, and
+interlineary glosses.
+
+O' Tuesdays they used to twist store of holy-bread, cakes, buns, puffs,
+lenten loaves, jumbles, and biscuits.
+
+O' Wednesdays my gentlemen had fine sheep's heads, calves' heads, and
+brocks' heads, of which there's no want in that country.
+
+O' Thursdays they guzzled down seven sorts of porridge, not forgetting
+mustard.
+
+O' Fridays they munched nothing but services or sorb-apples; neither were
+these full ripe, as I guessed by their complexion.
+
+O' Saturdays they gnawed bones; not that they were poor or needy, for every
+mother's son of them had a very good fat belly-benefice.
+
+As for their drink, 'twas an antifortunal; thus they called I don't know
+what sort of a liquor of the place.
+
+When they wanted to eat or drink, they turned down the back-points or flaps
+of their cowls forwards below their chins, and that served 'em instead of
+gorgets or slabbering-bibs.
+
+When they had well dined, they prayed rarely all in quavers and shakes; and
+the rest of the day, expecting the day of judgment, they were taken up with
+acts of charity, and particularly--
+
+O' Sundays, rubbers at cuffs.
+
+O' Mondays, lending each other flirts and fillips on the nose.
+
+O' Tuesdays, clapperclawing one another.
+
+O' Wednesdays, sniting and fly-flapping.
+
+O' Thursdays, worming and pumping.
+
+O' Fridays, tickling.
+
+O' Saturdays, jerking and firking one another.
+
+Such was their diet when they resided in the convent, and if the prior of
+the monk-house sent any of them abroad, then they were strictly enjoined
+neither to touch nor eat any manner of fish as long as they were on sea or
+rivers, and to abstain from all manner of flesh whenever they were at land,
+that everyone might be convinced that, while they enjoyed the object, they
+denied themselves the power, and even the desire, and were no more moved
+with it than the Marpesian rock.
+
+All this was done with proper antiphones, still sung and chanted by ear, as
+we have already observed.
+
+When the sun went to bed, they fairly booted and spurred each other as
+before, and having clapped on their barnacles e'en jogged to bed too.  At
+midnight the Sandal came to them, and up they got, and having well whetted
+and set their razors, and been a-processioning, they clapped the tables
+over themselves, and like wire-drawers under their work fell to it as
+aforesaid.
+
+Friar John des Entoumeures, having shrewdly observed these jolly Semiquaver
+Friars, and had a full account of their statutes, lost all patience, and
+cried out aloud:  Bounce tail, and God ha' mercy guts; if every fool should
+wear a bauble, fuel would be dear.  A plague rot it, we must know how many
+farts go to an ounce.  Would Priapus were here, as he used to be at the
+nocturnal festivals in Crete, that I might see him play backwards, and
+wriggle and shake to the purpose.  Ay, ay, this is the world, and t'other
+is the country; may I never piss if this be not an antichthonian land, and
+our very antipodes.  In Germany they pull down monasteries and unfrockify
+the monks; here they go quite kam, and act clean contrary to others,
+setting new ones up, against the hair.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXVIII.
+
+How Panurge asked a Semiquaver Friar many questions, and was only answered
+in monosyllables.
+
+Panurge, who had since been wholly taken up with staring at these royal
+Semiquavers, at last pulled one of them by the sleeve, who was as lean as a
+rake, and asked him,--
+
+Hearkee me, Friar Quaver, Semiquaver, Demisemiquavering quaver, where is
+the punk?
+
+The Friar, pointing downwards, answered, There.
+
+Pan.  Pray, have you many?  Fri.  Few.
+
+Pan.  How many scores have you?  Fri.  One.
+
+Pan.  How many would you have?  Fri.  Five.
+
+Pan.  Where do you hide 'em?  Fri.  Here.
+
+Pan.  I suppose they are not all of one age; but, pray, how is their shape?
+Fri.  Straight.
+
+Pan.  Their complexion?  Fri.  Clear.
+
+Pan.  Their hair?  Fri.  Fair.
+
+Pan.  Their eyes?  Fri.  Black.
+
+Pan.  Their features?  Fri.  Good.
+
+Pan.  Their brows?  Fri.  Small.
+
+Pan.  Their graces?  Fri.  Ripe.
+
+Pan.  Their looks?  Fri.  Free.
+
+Pan.  Their feet?  Fri.  Flat.
+
+Pan.  Their heels?  Fri.  Short.
+
+Pan.  Their lower parts?  Fri.  Rare.
+
+Pan.  And their arms?  Fri.  Long.
+
+Pan.  What do they wear on their hands?  Fri.  Gloves.
+
+Pan.  What sort of rings on their fingers?  Fri.  Gold.
+
+Pan.  What rigging do you keep 'em in?  Fri.  Cloth.
+
+Pan.  What sort of cloth is it?  Fri.  New.
+
+Pan.  What colour?  Fri.  Sky.
+
+Pan.  What kind of cloth is it?  Fri.  Fine.
+
+Pan.  What caps do they wear?  Fri.  Blue.
+
+Pan.  What's the colour of their stockings?  Fri.  Red.
+
+Pan.  What wear they on their feet?  Fri.  Pumps.
+
+Pan.  How do they use to be?  Fri.  Foul.
+
+Pan.  How do they use to walk?  Fri.  Fast.
+
+Pan.  Now let us talk of the kitchen, I mean that of the harlots, and
+without going hand over head let's a little examine things by particulars.
+What is in their kitchens?  Fri.  Fire.
+
+Pan.  What fuel feeds it?  Fri.  Wood.
+
+Pan.  What sort of wood is't?  Fri.  Dry.
+
+Pan.  And of what kind of trees?  Fri.  Yews.
+
+Pan.  What are the faggots and brushes of?  Fri.  Holm.
+
+Pan.  What wood d'ye burn in your chambers?  Fri.  Pine.
+
+Pan.  And of what other trees?  Fri.  Lime.
+
+Pan.  Hearkee me; as for the buttocks, I'll go your halves.  Pray, how do
+you feed 'em?  Fri.  Well.
+
+Pan.  First, what do they eat?  Fri.  Bread.
+
+Pan.  Of what complexion?  Fri.  White.
+
+Pan.  And what else?  Fri.  Meat.
+
+Pan.  How do they love it dressed?  Fri.  Roast.
+
+Pan.  What sort of porridge?  Fri.  None.
+
+Pan.  Are they for pies and tarts?  Fri.  Much.
+
+Pan.  Then I'm their man.  Will fish go down with them?  Fri.  Well.
+
+Pan.  And what else?  Fri.  Eggs.
+
+Pan.  How do they like 'em?  Fri.  Boiled.
+
+Pan.  How must they be done?  Fri.  Hard.
+
+Pan.  Is this all they have?  Fri.  No.
+
+Pan.  What have they besides, then?  Fri.  Beef.
+
+Pan.  And what else?  Fri.  Pork.
+
+Pan.  And what more?  Fri.  Geese.
+
+Pan.  What then?  Fri.  Ducks.
+
+Pan.  And what besides?  Fri.  Cocks.
+
+Pan.  What do they season their meat with?  Fri.  Salt.
+
+Pan.  What sauce are they most dainty for?  Fri.  Must.
+
+Pan.  What's their last course?  Fri.  Rice.
+
+Pan.  And what else?  Fri.  Milk.
+
+Pan.  What besides?  Fri.  Peas.
+
+Pan.  What sort?  Fri.  Green.
+
+Pan.  What do they boil with 'em?  Fri.  Pork.
+
+Pan.  What fruit do they eat?  Fri.  Good.
+
+Pan.  How?  Fri.  Raw.
+
+Pan.  What do they end with?  Fri.  Nuts.
+
+Pan.  How do they drink?  Fri.  Neat.
+
+Pan.  What liquor?  Fri.  Wine.
+
+Pan.  What sort?  Fri.  White.
+
+Pan.  In winter?  Fri.  Strong.
+
+Pan.  In the spring.  Fri.  Brisk.
+
+Pan.  In summer?  Fri.  Cool.
+
+Pan.  In autumn?  Fri.  New.
+
+Buttock of a monk! cried Friar John; how plump these plaguy trulls, these
+arch Semiquavering strumpets, must be!  That damned cattle are so high fed
+that they must needs be high-mettled, and ready to wince and give two ups
+for one go-down when anyone offers to ride them below the crupper.
+
+Prithee, Friar John, quoth Panurge, hold thy prating tongue; stay till I
+have done.
+
+Till what time do the doxies sit up?  Fri.  Night.
+
+Pan.  When do they get up?  Fri.  Late.
+
+Pan.  May I ride on a horse that was foaled of an acorn, if this be not as
+honest a cod as ever the ground went upon, and as grave as an old gate-post
+into the bargain.  Would to the blessed St. Semiquaver, and the blessed
+worthy virgin St. Semiquavera, he were lord chief president (justice) of
+Paris!  Ods-bodikins, how he'd despatch!  With what expedition would he
+bring disputes to an upshot!  What an abbreviator and clawer off of
+lawsuits, reconciler of differences, examiner and fumbler of bags, peruser
+of bills, scribbler of rough drafts, and engrosser of deeds would he not
+make!  Well, friar, spare your breath to cool your porridge.  Come, let's
+now talk with deliberation, fairly and softly, as lawyers go to heaven.
+Let's know how you victual the venereal camp.  How is the snatchblatch?
+Fri.  Rough.
+
+Pan.  How is the gateway?  Fri.  Free.
+
+Pan.  And how is it within?  Fri.  Deep.
+
+Pan.  I mean, what weather is it there?  Fri.  Hot.
+
+Pan.  What shadows the brooks?  Fri.  Groves.
+
+Pan.  Of what's the colour of the twigs?  Fri.  Red.
+
+Pan.  And that of the old?  Fri.  Grey.
+
+Pan.  How are you when you shake?  Fri.  Brisk.
+
+Pan.  How is their motion?  Fri.  Quick.
+
+Pan.  Would you have them vault or wriggle more?  Fri.  Less.
+
+Pan.  What kind of tools are yours?  Fri.  Big.
+
+Pan.  And in their helves?  Fri.  Round.
+
+Pan.  Of what colour is the tip?  Fri.  Red.
+
+Pan.  When they've even used, how are they?  Fri.  Shrunk.
+
+Pan.  How much weighs each bag of tools?  Fri.  Pounds.
+
+Pan.  How hang your pouches?  Fri.  Tight.
+
+Pan.  How are they when you've done?  Fri.  Lank.
+
+Pan.  Now, by the oath you have taken, tell me, when you have a mind to
+cohabit, how you throw 'em?  Fri.  Down.
+
+Pan.  And what do they say then?  Fri.  Fie.
+
+Pan.  However, like maids, they say nay, and take it; and speak the less,
+but think the more, minding the work in hand; do they not?  Fri.  True.
+
+Pan.  Do they get you bairns?  Fri.  None.
+
+Pan.  How do you pig together?  Fri.  Bare.
+
+Pan.  Remember you're upon your oath, and tell me justly and bona fide how
+many times a day you monk it?  Fri.  Six.
+
+Pan.  How many bouts a-nights?  Fri.  Ten.
+
+Catso, quoth Friar John, the poor fornicating brother is bashful, and
+sticks at sixteen, as if that were his stint.  Right, quoth Panurge, but
+couldst thou keep pace with him, Friar John, my dainty cod?  May the
+devil's dam suck my teat if he does not look as if he had got a blow over
+the nose with a Naples cowl-staff.
+
+Pan.  Pray, Friar Shakewell, does your whole fraternity quaver and shake at
+that rate?  Fri.  All.
+
+Pan.  Who of them is the best cock o' the game?  Fri.  I.
+
+Pan.  Do you never commit dry-bobs or flashes in the pan?  Fri.  None.
+
+Pan.  I blush like any black dog, and could be as testy as an old cook when
+I think on all this; it passes my understanding.  But, pray, when you have
+been pumped dry one day, what have you got the next?  Fri.  More.
+
+Pan.  By Priapus, they have the Indian herb of which Theophrastus spoke, or
+I'm much out.  But, hearkee me, thou man of brevity, should some
+impediment, honestly or otherwise, impair your talents and cause your
+benevolence to lessen, how would it fare with you, then?  Fri.  Ill.
+
+Pan.  What would the wenches do?  Fri.  Rail.
+
+Pan.  What if you skipped, and let 'em fast a whole day?  Fri.  Worse.
+
+Pan.  What do you give 'em then?  Fri.  Thwacks.
+
+Pan.  What do they say to this?  Fri.  Bawl.
+
+Pan.  And what else?  Fri.  Curse.
+
+Pan.  How do you correct 'em?  Fri.  Hard.
+
+Pan.  What do you get out of 'em then?  Fri.  Blood.
+
+Pan.  How's their complexion then?  Fri.  Odd.
+
+Pan.  What do they mend it with?  Fri.  Paint.
+
+Pan.  Then what do they do?  Fri.  Fawn.
+
+Pan.  By the oath you have taken, tell me truly what time of the year do
+you do it least in?  Fri.  Now (August.).
+
+Pan.  What season do you do it best in?  Fri.  March.
+
+Pan.  How is your performance the rest of the year?  Fri.  Brisk.
+
+Then quoth Panurge, sneering, Of all, and of all, commend me to Ball; this
+is the friar of the world for my money.  You've heard how short, concise,
+and compendious he is in his answers.  Nothing is to be got out of him but
+monosyllables.  By jingo, I believe he would make three bites of a cherry.
+
+Damn him, cried Friar John, that's as true as I am his uncle.  The dog
+yelps at another gate's rate when he is among his bitches; there he is
+polysyllable enough, my life for yours.  You talk of making three bites of
+a cherry!  God send fools more wit and us more money!  May I be doomed to
+fast a whole day if I don't verily believe he would not make above two
+bites of a shoulder of mutton and one swoop of a whole pottle of wine.
+Zoons, do but see how down o' the mouth the cur looks!  He's nothing but
+skin and bones; he has pissed his tallow.
+
+Truly, truly, quoth Epistemon, this rascally monastical vermin all over the
+world mind nothing but their gut, and are as ravenous as any kites, and
+then, forsooth, they tell us they've nothing but food and raiment in this
+world.  'Sdeath, what more have kings and princes?
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXIX.
+
+How Epistemon disliked the institution of Lent.
+
+Pray did you observe, continued Epistemon, how this damned ill-favoured
+Semiquaver mentioned March as the best month for caterwauling?  True, said
+Pantagruel; yet Lent and March always go together, and the first was
+instituted to macerate and bring down our pampered flesh, to weaken and
+subdue its lusts, to curb and assuage the venereal rage.
+
+By this, said Epistemon, you may guess what kind of a pope it was who first
+enjoined it to be kept, since this filthy wooden-shoed Semiquaver owns that
+his spoon is never oftener nor deeper in the porringer of lechery than in
+Lent.  Add to this the evident reasons given by all good and learned
+physicians, affirming that throughout the whole year no food is eaten that
+can prompt mankind to lascivious acts more than at that time.
+
+As, for example, beans, peas, phasels, or long-peason, ciches, onions,
+nuts, oysters, herrings, salt-meats, garum (a kind of anchovy), and salads
+wholly made up of venereous herbs and fruits, as--
+
+Rocket,         Parsley,        Hop-buds,
+Nose-smart,     Rampions,       Figs,
+Taragon,        Poppy,          Rice,
+Cresses,        Celery,         Raisins, and others.
+
+It would not a little surprise you, said Pantagruel, should a man tell you
+that the good pope who first ordered the keeping of Lent, perceiving that
+at that time o' year the natural heat (from the centre of the body, whither
+it was retired during the winter's cold) diffuses itself, as the sap does
+in trees, through the circumference of the members, did therefore in a
+manner prescribe that sort of diet to forward the propagation of mankind.
+What makes me think so, is that by the registers of christenings at Touars
+it appears that more children are born in October and November than in the
+other ten months of the year, and reckoning backwards 'twill be easily
+found that they were all made, conceived, and begotten in Lent.
+
+I listen to you with both my ears, quoth Friar John, and that with no small
+pleasure, I'll assure you.  But I must tell you that the vicar of Jambert
+ascribed this copious prolification of the women, not to that sort of food
+that we chiefly eat in Lent, but to the little licensed stooping mumpers,
+your little booted Lent-preachers, your little draggle-tailed father
+confessors, who during all that time of their reign damn all husbands that
+run astray three fathom and a half below the very lowest pit of hell.  So
+the silly cod's-headed brothers of the noose dare not then stumble any more
+at the truckle-bed, to the no small discomfort of their maids, and are even
+forced, poor souls, to take up with their own bodily wives.  Dixi; I have
+done.
+
+You may descant on the institution of Lent as much as you please, cried
+Epistemon; so many men so many minds; but certainly all the physicians will
+be against its being suppressed, though I think that time is at hand.  I
+know they will, and have heard 'em say were it not for Lent their art would
+soon fall into contempt, and they'd get nothing, for hardly anybody would
+be sick.
+
+All distempers are sowed in lent; 'tis the true seminary and native bed of
+all diseases; nor does it only weaken and putrefy bodies, but it also makes
+souls mad and uneasy.  For then the devils do their best, and drive a
+subtle trade, and the tribe of canting dissemblers come out of their holes.
+'Tis then term-time with your cucullated pieces of formality that have one
+face to God and another to the devil; and a wretched clutter they make with
+their sessions, stations, pardons, syntereses, confessions, whippings,
+anathematizations, and much prayer with as little devotion.  However, I'll
+not offer to infer from this that the Arimaspians are better than we are in
+that point; yet I speak to the purpose.
+
+Well, quoth Panurge to the Semiquaver friar, who happened to be by, dear
+bumbasting, shaking, trilling, quavering cod, what thinkest thou of this
+fellow?  Is he a rank heretic?  Fri.  Much.
+
+Pan.  Ought he not to be singed?  Fri.  Well.
+
+Pan.  As soon as may be?  Fri.  Right.
+
+Pan.  Should not he be scalded first?  Fri.  No.
+
+Pan.  How then, should he be roasted?  Fri.  Quick.
+
+Pan.  Till at last he be?  Fri.  Dead.
+
+Pan.  What has he made you?  Fri.  Mad.
+
+Pan.  What d'ye take him to be?  Fri.  Damned.
+
+Pan.  What place is he to go to?  Fri.  Hell.
+
+Pan.  But, first, how would you have 'em served here?  Fri.  Burnt.
+
+Pan.  Some have been served so?  Fri.  Store.
+
+Pan.  That were heretics?  Fri.  Less.
+
+Pan.  And the number of those that are to be warmed thus hereafter is?
+Fri.  Great.
+
+Pan.  How many of 'em do you intend to save?  Fri.  None.
+
+Pan.  So you'd have them burned?  Fri.  All.
+
+I wonder, said Epistemon to Panurge, what pleasure you can find in talking
+thus with this lousy tatterdemalion of a monk.  I vow, did I not know you
+well, I might be ready to think you had no more wit in your head than he
+has in both his shoulders.  Come, come, scatter no words, returned Panurge;
+everyone as they like, as the woman said when she kissed her cow.  I wish I
+might carry him to Gargantua; when I'm married he might be my wife's fool.
+And make you one, cried Epistemon.  Well said, quoth Friar John.  Now, poor
+Panurge, take that along with thee, thou'rt e'en fitted; 'tis a plain case
+thou'lt never escape wearing the bull's feather; thy wife will be as common
+as the highway, that's certain.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXX.
+
+How we came to the land of Satin.
+
+Having pleased ourselves with observing that new order of Semiquaver
+Friars, we set sail, and in three days our skipper made the finest and most
+delightful island that ever was seen.  He called it the island of Frieze,
+for all the ways were of frieze.
+
+In that island is the land of Satin, so celebrated by our court pages.  Its
+trees and herbage never lose their leaves or flowers, and are all damask
+and flowered velvet.  As for the beasts and birds, they are all of tapestry
+work.  There we saw many beasts, birds on trees, of the same colour,
+bigness, and shape of those in our country; with this difference, however,
+that these did eat nothing, and never sung or bit like ours; and we also
+saw there many sorts of creatures which we never had seen before.
+
+Among the rest, several elephants in various postures; twelve of which were
+the six males and six females that were brought to Rome by their governor
+in the time of Germanicus, Tiberius's nephew.  Some of them were learned
+elephants, some musicians, others philosophers, dancers, and showers of
+tricks; and all sat down at table in good order, silently eating and
+drinking like so many fathers in a fratery-room.
+
+With their snouts or proboscises, some two cubits long, they draw up water
+for their own drinking, and take hold of palm leaves, plums, and all manner
+of edibles, using them offensively or defensively as we do our fists; with
+them tossing men high into the air in fight, and making them burst with
+laughing when they come to the ground.
+
+They have joints (in their legs), whatever some men, who doubtless never
+saw any but painted, may have written to the contrary.  Between their teeth
+they have two huge horns; thus Juba called 'em, and Pausanias tells us they
+are not teeth, but horns; however, Philostratus will have 'em to be teeth,
+and not horns.  'Tis all one to me, provided you will be pleased to own
+them to be true ivory.  These are some three or four cubits long, and are
+fixed in the upper jawbone, and consequently not in the lowermost.  If you
+hearken to those who will tell you to the contrary, you will find yourself
+damnably mistaken, for that's a lie with a latchet; though 'twere Aelian,
+that long-bow man, that told you so, never believe him, for he lies as fast
+as a dog can trot.  'Twas in this very island that Pliny, his brother
+tell-truth, had seen some elephants dance on the rope with bells, and whip
+over the tables, presto, begone, while people were at feasts, without so
+much as touching the toping topers or the topers toping.
+
+I saw a rhinoceros there, just such a one as Harry Clerberg had formerly
+showed me.  Methought it was not much unlike a certain boar which I had
+formerly seen at Limoges, except the sharp horn on its snout, that was
+about a cubit long; by the means of which that animal dares encounter with
+an elephant, that is sometimes killed with its point thrust into its belly,
+which is its most tender and defenceless part.
+
+I saw there two and thirty unicorns.  They are a curst sort of creatures,
+much resembling a fine horse, unless it be that their heads are like a
+stag's, their feet like an elephant's, their tails like a wild boar's, and
+out of each of their foreheads sprouts out a sharp black horn, some six or
+seven feet long; commonly it dangles down like a turkey-cock's comb.  When
+a unicorn has a mind to fight, or put it to any other use, what does it do
+but make it stand, and then 'tis as straight as an arrow.
+
+I saw one of them, which was attended with a throng of other wild beasts,
+purify a fountain with its horn.  With that Panurge told me that his
+prancer, alias his nimble-wimble, was like the unicorn, not altogether in
+length indeed, but in virtue and propriety; for as the unicorn purified
+pools and fountains from filth and venom, so that other animals came and
+drank securely there afterwards, in the like manner others might water
+their nags, and dabble after him without fear of shankers, carnosities,
+gonorrhoeas, buboes, crinkams, and such other plagues caught by those who
+venture to quench their amorous thirst in a common puddle; for with his
+nervous horn he removed all the infection that might be lurking in some
+blind cranny of the mephitic sweet-scented hole.
+
+Well, quoth Friar John, when you are sped, that is, when you are married,
+we will make a trial of this on thy spouse, merely for charity sake, since
+you are pleased to give us so beneficial an instruction.
+
+Ay, ay, returned Panurge, and then immediately I'll give you a pretty
+gentle aggregative pill of God, made up of two and twenty kind stabs with a
+dagger, after the Caesarian way.  Catso, cried Friar John, I had rather
+take off a bumper of good cool wine.
+
+I saw there the golden fleece formerly conquered by Jason, and can assure
+you, on the word of an honest man, that those who have said it was not a
+fleece but a golden pippin, because melon signifies both an apple and a
+sheep, were utterly mistaken.
+
+I saw also a chameleon, such as Aristotle describes it, and like that which
+had been formerly shown me by Charles Maris, a famous physician of the
+noble city of Lyons on the Rhone; and the said chameleon lived on air just
+as the other did.
+
+I saw three hydras, like those I had formerly seen.  They are a kind of
+serpent, with seven different heads.
+
+I saw also fourteen phoenixes.  I had read in many authors that there was
+but one in the whole world in every century; but, if I may presume to speak
+my mind, I declare that those who said this had never seen any, unless it
+were in the land of Tapestry; though 'twere vouched by Claudian or
+Lactantius Firmianus.
+
+I saw the skin of Apuleius's golden ass.
+
+I saw three hundred and nine pelicans.
+
+Item, six thousand and sixteen Seleucid birds marching in battalia, and
+picking up straggling grasshoppers in cornfields.
+
+Item, some cynamologi, argatiles, caprimulgi, thynnunculs, onocrotals, or
+bitterns, with their wide swallows, stymphalides, harpies, panthers,
+dorcasses, or bucks, cemades, cynocephalises, satyrs, cartasans, tarands,
+uri, monopses, or bonasi, neades, steras, marmosets, or monkeys, bugles,
+musimons, byturoses, ophyri, screech-owls, goblins, fairies, and griffins.
+
+I saw Mid-Lent o' horseback, with Mid-August and Mid-March holding its
+stirrups.
+
+I saw some mankind wolves, centaurs, tigers, leopards, hyenas,
+camelopardals, and orixes, or huge wild goats with sharp horns.
+
+I saw a remora, a little fish called echineis by the Greeks, and near it a
+tall ship that did not get ahead an inch, though she was in the offing with
+top and top-gallants spread before the wind.  I am somewhat inclined to
+believe that 'twas the very numerical ship in which Periander the tyrant
+happened to be when it was stopped by such a little fish in spite of wind
+and tide.  It was in this land of Satin, and in no other, that Mutianus had
+seen one of them.
+
+Friar John told us that in the days of yore two sorts of fishes used to
+abound in our courts of judicature, and rotted the bodies and tormented the
+souls of those who were at law, whether noble or of mean descent, high or
+low, rich or poor:  the first were your April fish or mackerel (pimps,
+panders, and bawds); the others your beneficial remoras, that is, the
+eternity of lawsuits, the needless lets that keep 'em undecided.
+
+I saw some sphynges, some raphes, some ounces, and some cepphi, whose
+fore-feet are like hands and their hind-feet like man's.
+
+Also some crocutas and some eali as big as sea-horses, with elephants'
+tails, boars' jaws and tusks, and horns as pliant as an ass's ears.
+
+The crocutas, most fleet animals, as big as our asses of Mirebalais, have
+necks, tails, and breasts like a lion's, legs like a stag's, have mouths up
+to the ears, and but two teeth, one above and one below; they speak with
+human voices, but when they do they say nothing.
+
+Some people say that none e'er saw an eyrie, or nest of sakers; if you'll
+believe me, I saw no less than eleven, and I'm sure I reckoned right.
+
+I saw some left-handed halberds, which were the first that I had ever seen.
+
+I saw some manticores, a most strange sort of creatures, which have the
+body of a lion, red hair, a face and ears like a man's, three rows of teeth
+which close together as if you joined your hands with your fingers between
+each other; they have a sting in their tails like a scorpion's, and a very
+melodious voice.
+
+I saw some catablepases, a sort of serpents, whose bodies are small, but
+their heads large, without any proportion, so that they've much ado to lift
+them up; and their eyes are so infectious that whoever sees 'em dies upon
+the spot, as if he had seen a basilisk.
+
+I saw some beasts with two backs, and those seemed to me the merriest
+creatures in the world.  They were most nimble at wriggling the buttocks,
+and more diligent in tail-wagging than any water-wagtails, perpetually
+jogging and shaking their double rumps.
+
+I saw there some milched crawfish, creatures that I never had heard of
+before in my life.  These moved in very good order, and 'twould have done
+your heart good to have seen 'em.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXXI.
+
+How in the land of Satin we saw Hearsay, who kept a school of vouching.
+
+We went a little higher up into the country of Tapestry, and saw the
+Mediterranean Sea open to the right and left down to the very bottom; just
+as the Red Sea very fairly left its bed at the Arabian Gulf to make a lane
+for the Jews when they left Egypt.
+
+There I found Triton winding his silver shell instead of a horn, and also
+Glaucus, Proteus, Nereus, and a thousand other godlings and sea monsters.
+
+I also saw an infinite number of fish of all kinds, dancing, flying,
+vaulting, fighting, eating, breathing, billing, shoving, milting, spawning,
+hunting, fishing, skirmishing, lying in ambuscado, making truces,
+cheapening, bargaining, swearing, and sporting.
+
+In a blind corner we saw Aristotle holding a lantern in the posture in
+which the hermit uses to be drawn near St. Christopher, watching, prying,
+thinking, and setting everything down.
+
+Behind him stood a pack of other philosophers, like so many bums by a
+head-bailiff, as Appian, Heliodorus, Athenaeus, Porphyrius, Pancrates,
+Arcadian, Numenius, Possidonius, Ovidius, Oppianus, Olympius, Seleucus,
+Leonides, Agathocles, Theophrastus, Damostratus, Mutianus, Nymphodorus,
+Aelian, and five hundred other such plodding dons, who were full of
+business, yet had little to do; like Chrysippus or Aristarchus of Soli, who
+for eight-and-fifty years together did nothing in the world but examine the
+state and concerns of bees.
+
+I spied Peter Gilles among these, with a urinal in his hand, narrowly
+watching the water of those goodly fishes.
+
+When we had long beheld everything in this land of Satin, Pantagruel said,
+I have sufficiently fed my eyes, but my belly is empty all this while, and
+chimes to let me know 'tis time to go to dinner.  Let's take care of the
+body lest the soul abdicate it; and to this effect let's taste some of
+these anacampserotes ('An herb, the touching of which is said to reconcile
+lovers.'--Motteux.) that hang over our heads.  Psha, cried one, they are
+mere trash, stark naught, o' my word; they're good for nothing.
+
+I then went to pluck some mirobolans off of a piece of tapestry whereon
+they hung, but the devil a bit I could chew or swallow 'em; and had you had
+them betwixt your teeth you would have sworn they had been thrown silk;
+there was no manner of savour in 'em.
+
+One might be apt to think Heliogabalus had taken a hint from thence, to
+feast those whom he had caused to fast a long time, promising them a
+sumptuous, plentiful, and imperial feast after it; for all the treat used
+to amount to no more than several sorts of meat in wax, marble,
+earthenware, painted and figured tablecloths.
+
+While we were looking up and down to find some more substantial food, we
+heard a loud various noise, like that of paper-mills (or women bucking of
+linen); so with all speed we went to the place whence the noise came, where
+we found a diminutive, monstrous, misshapen old fellow, called Hearsay.
+His mouth was slit up to his ears, and in it were seven tongues, each of
+them cleft into seven parts.  However, he chattered, tattled, and prated
+with all the seven at once, of different matters, and in divers languages.
+
+He had as many ears all over his head and the rest of his body as Argus
+formerly had eyes, and was as blind as a beetle, and had the palsy in his
+legs.
+
+About him stood an innumerable number of men and women, gaping, listening,
+and hearing very intensely.  Among 'em I observed some who strutted like
+crows in a gutter, and principally a very handsome bodied man in the face,
+who held then a map of the world, and with little aphorisms compendiously
+explained everything to 'em; so that those men of happy memories grew
+learned in a trice, and would most fluently talk with you of a world of
+prodigious things, the hundredth part of which would take up a man's whole
+life to be fully known.
+
+Among the rest they descanted with great prolixity on the pyramids and
+hieroglyphics of Egypt, of the Nile, of Babylon, of the Troglodytes, the
+Hymantopodes, or crump-footed nation, the Blemiae, people that wear their
+heads in the middle of their breasts, the Pigmies, the Cannibals, the
+Hyperborei and their mountains, the Egypanes with their goat's feet, and
+the devil and all of others; every individual word of it by hearsay.
+
+I am much mistaken if I did not see among them Herodotus, Pliny, Solinus,
+Berosus, Philostratus, Pomponius Mela, Strabo, and God knows how many other
+antiquaries.
+
+Then Albert, the great Jacobin friar, Peter Tesmoin, alias Witness, Pope
+Pius the Second, Volaterranus, Paulus Jovius the valiant, Jemmy Cartier,
+Chaton the Armenian, Marco Polo the Venetian, Ludovico Romano, Pedro
+Aliares, and forty cartloads of other modern historians, lurking behind a
+piece of tapestry, where they were at it ding-dong, privately scribbling
+the Lord knows what, and making rare work of it; and all by hearsay.
+
+Behind another piece of tapestry (on which Naboth and Susanna's accusers
+were fairly represented), I saw close by Hearsay, good store of men of the
+country of Perce and Maine, notable students, and young enough.
+
+I asked what sort of study they applied themselves to; and was told that
+from their youth they learned to be evidences, affidavit-men, and vouchers,
+and were instructed in the art of swearing; in which they soon became such
+proficients, that when they left that country, and went back into their
+own, they set up for themselves and very honestly lived by their trade of
+evidencing, positively giving their testimony of all things whatsoever to
+those who feed them most roundly to do a job of journey-work for them; and
+all this by hearsay.
+
+You may think what you will of it; but I can assure you they gave some of
+us corners of their cakes, and we merrily helped to empty their hogsheads.
+Then, in a friendly manner, they advised us to be as sparing of truth as
+possibly we could if ever we had a mind to get court preferment.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXXII.
+
+How we came in sight of Lantern-land.
+
+Having been but scurvily entertained in the land of Satin, we went o'
+board, and having set sail, in four days came near the coast of
+Lantern-land.  We then saw certain little hovering fires on the sea.
+
+For my part, I did not take them to be lanterns, but rather thought they
+were fishes which lolled their flaming tongues on the surface of the sea,
+or lampyrides, which some call cicindelas, or glowworms, shining there as
+ripe barley does o' nights in my country.
+
+But the skipper satisfied us that they were the lanterns of the watch, or,
+more properly, lighthouses, set up in many places round the precinct of the
+place to discover the land, and for the safe piloting in of some outlandish
+lanterns, which, like good Franciscan and Jacobin friars, were coming to
+make their personal appearance at the provincial chapter.
+
+However, some of us were somewhat suspicious that these fires were the
+forerunners of some storm, but the skipper assured us again they were not.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXXIII.
+
+How we landed at the port of the Lychnobii, and came to Lantern-land.
+
+
+Soon after we arrived at the port of Lantern-land, where Pantagruel
+discovered on a high tower the lantern of Rochelle, that stood us in good
+stead, for it cast a great light.  We also saw the lantern of Pharos, that
+of Nauplion, and that of Acropolis at Athens, sacred to Pallas.
+
+Near the port there's a little hamlet inhabited by the Lychnobii, that live
+by lanterns, as the gulligutted friars in our country live by nuns; they
+are studious people, and as honest men as ever shit in a trumpet.
+Demosthenes had formerly lanternized there.
+
+We were conducted from that place to the palace by three obeliscolichnys
+('A kind of beacons.'--Motteux.), military guards of the port, with
+high-crowned hats, whom we acquainted with the cause of our voyage, and our
+design, which was to desire the queen of the country to grant us a lantern
+to light and conduct us during our voyage to the Oracle of the Holy Bottle.
+
+They promised to assist us in this, and added that we could never have come
+in a better time, for then the lanterns held their provincial chapter.
+
+When we came to the royal palace we had audience of her highness the Queen
+of Lantern-land, being introduced by two lanterns of honour, that of
+Aristophanes and that of Cleanthes (Motteux adds here--'Mistresses of the
+ceremonies.').  Panurge in a few words acquainted her with the causes of
+our voyage, and she received us with great demonstrations of friendship,
+desiring us to come to her at supper-time that we might more easily make
+choice of one to be our guide; which pleased us extremely.  We did not fail
+to observe intensely everything we could see, as the garbs, motions, and
+deportment of the queen's subjects, principally the manner after which she
+was served.
+
+The bright queen was dressed in virgin crystal of Tutia wrought damaskwise,
+and beset with large diamonds.
+
+The lanterns of the royal blood were clad partly with bastard-diamonds,
+partly with diaphanous stones; the rest with horn, paper, and oiled cloth.
+
+The cresset-lights took place according to the antiquity and lustre of
+their families.
+
+An earthen dark-lantern, shaped like a pot, notwithstanding this took place
+of some of the first quality; at which I wondered much, till I was told it
+was that of Epictetus, for which three thousand drachmas had been formerly
+refused.
+
+Martial's polymix lantern (Motteux gives a footnote:--'A lamp with many
+wicks, or a branch'd candlestick with many springs coming out of it, that
+supply all the branches with oil.') made a very good figure there.  I took
+particular notice of its dress, and more yet of the lychnosimity formerly
+consecrated by Canopa, the daughter of Tisias.
+
+I saw the lantern pensile formerly taken out of the temple of Apollo
+Palatinus at Thebes, and afterwards by Alexander the Great (carried to the
+town of Cymos).  (The words in brackets have been omitted by Motteux.)
+
+I saw another that distinguished itself from the rest by a bushy tuft of
+crimson silk on its head.  I was told 'twas that of Bartolus, the lantern
+of the civilians.
+
+Two others were very remarkable for glister-pouches that dangled at their
+waist.  We were told that one was the greater light and the other the
+lesser light of the apothecaries.
+
+When 'twas supper-time, the queen's highness first sat down, and then the
+lady lanterns, according to their rank and dignity.  For the first course
+they were all served with large Christmas candles, except the queen, who
+was served with a hugeous, thick, stiff, flaming taper of white wax,
+somewhat red towards the tip; and the royal family, as also the provincial
+lantern of Mirebalais, who were served with nutlights; and the provincial
+of Lower Poitou, with an armed candle.
+
+After that, God wot, what a glorious light they gave with their wicks!  I
+do not say all, for you must except a parcel of junior lanterns, under the
+government of a high and mighty one.  These did not cast a light like the
+rest, but seemed to me dimmer than any long-snuff farthing candle whose
+tallow has been half melted away in a hothouse.
+
+After supper we withdrew to take some rest, and the next day the queen made
+us choose one of the most illustrious lanterns to guide us; after which we
+took our leave.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXXIV.
+
+How we arrived at the Oracle of the Bottle.
+
+Our glorious lantern lighting and directing us to heart's content, we at
+last arrived at the desired island where was the Oracle of the Bottle.  As
+soon as friend Panurge landed, he nimbly cut a caper with one leg for joy,
+and cried to Pantagruel, Now we are where we have wished ourselves long
+ago.  This is the place we've been seeking with such toil and labour.  He
+then made a compliment to our lantern, who desired us to be of good cheer,
+and not be daunted or dismayed whatever we might chance to see.
+
+To come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle we were to go through a large
+vineyard, in which were all sorts of vines, as the Falernian, Malvoisian,
+the Muscadine, those of Taige, Beaune, Mirevaux, Orleans, Picardent,
+Arbois, Coussi, Anjou, Grave, Corsica, Vierron, Nerac, and others.  This
+vineyard was formerly planted by the good Bacchus, with so great a blessing
+that it yields leaves, flowers, and fruit all the year round, like the
+orange trees at Suraine.
+
+Our magnificent lantern ordered every one of us to eat three grapes, to put
+some vine-leaves in his shoes, and take a vine-branch in his left hand.
+
+At the end of the close we went under an arch built after the manner of
+those of the ancients.  The trophies of a toper were curiously carved on
+it.
+
+First, on one side was to be seen a long train of flagons, leathern
+bottles, flasks, cans, glass bottles, barrels, nipperkins, pint pots, quart
+pots, pottles, gallons, and old-fashioned semaises (swingeing wooden pots,
+such as those out of which the Germans fill their glasses); these hung on a
+shady arbour.
+
+On another side was store of garlic, onions, shallots, hams, botargos,
+caviare, biscuits, neat's tongues, old cheese, and such like comfits, very
+artificially interwoven, and packed together with vine-stocks.
+
+On another were a hundred sorts of drinking glasses, cups, cisterns, ewers,
+false cups, tumblers, bowls, mazers, mugs, jugs, goblets, talboys, and such
+other Bacchic artillery.
+
+On the frontispiece of the triumphal arch, under the zoophore, was the
+following couplet:
+
+  You who presume to move this way,
+  Get a good lantern, lest you stray.
+
+We took special care of that, cried Pantagruel when he had read them; for
+there is not a better or a more divine lantern than ours in all
+Lantern-land.
+
+This arch ended at a fine large round alley covered over with the interlaid
+branches of vines, loaded and adorned with clusters of five hundred
+different colours, and of as many various shapes, not natural, but due to
+the skill of agriculture; some were golden, others bluish, tawny, azure,
+white, black, green, purple, streaked with many colours, long, round,
+triangular, cod-like, hairy, great-headed, and grassy.  That pleasant alley
+ended at three old ivy-trees, verdant, and all loaden with rings.  Our
+enlightened lantern directed us to make ourselves hats with some of their
+leaves, and cover our heads wholly with them, which was immediately done.
+
+Jupiter's priestess, said Pantagruel, in former days would not like us have
+walked under this arbour.  There was a mystical reason, answered our most
+perspicuous lantern, that would have hindered her; for had she gone under
+it, the wine, or the grapes of which 'tis made, that's the same thing, had
+been over her head, and then she would have seemed overtopped and mastered
+by wine.  Which implies that priests, and all persons who devote themselves
+to the contemplation of divine things, ought to keep their minds sedate and
+calm, and avoid whatever might disturb and discompose their tranquillity,
+which nothing is more apt to do than drunkenness.
+
+You also, continued our lantern, could not come into the Holy Bottle's
+presence, after you have gone through this arch, did not that noble
+priestess Bacbuc first see your shoes full of vine-leaves; which action is
+diametrically opposite to the other, and signifies that you despise wine,
+and having mastered it, as it were, tread it under foot.
+
+I am no scholar, quoth Friar John, for which I'm heartily sorry, yet I find
+by my breviary that in the Revelation a woman was seen with the moon under
+her feet, which was a most wonderful sight.  Now, as Bigot explained it to
+me, this was to signify that she was not of the nature of other women; for
+they have all the moon at their heads, and consequently their brains are
+always troubled with a lunacy.  This makes me willing to believe what you
+said, dear Madam Lantern.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXXV.
+
+How we went underground to come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle, and how
+Chinon is the oldest city in the world.
+
+We went underground through a plastered vault, on which was coarsely
+painted a dance of women and satyrs waiting on old Silenus, who was
+grinning o' horseback on his ass.  This made me say to Pantagruel, that
+this entry put me in mind of the painted cellar in the oldest city in the
+world, where such paintings are to be seen, and in as cool a place.
+
+Which is the oldest city in the world? asked Pantagruel.  'Tis Chinon, sir,
+or Cainon in Touraine, said I.  I know, returned Pantagruel, where Chinon
+lies, and the painted cellar also, having myself drunk there many a glass
+of cool wine; neither do I doubt but that Chinon is an ancient town
+--witness its blazon.  I own 'tis said twice or thrice:
+
+      Chinon,
+    Little town,
+    Great renown,
+    On old stone
+    Long has stood;
+  There's the Vienne, if you look down;
+  If you look up, there's the wood.
+
+But how, continued he, can you make it out that 'tis the oldest city in the
+world?  Where did you find this written?  I have found it in the sacred
+writ, said I, that Cain was the first that built a town; we may then
+reasonably conjecture that from his name he gave it that of Cainon.  Thus,
+after his example, most other founders of towns have given them their
+names:  Athena, that's Minerva in Greek, to Athens; Alexander to
+Alexandria; Constantine to Constantinople; Pompey to Pompeiopolis in
+Cilicia; Adrian to Adrianople; Canaan, to the Canaanites; Saba, to the
+Sabaeans; Assur, to the Assyrians; and so Ptolemais, Caesarea, Tiberias,
+and Herodium in Judaea got their names.
+
+While we were thus talking, there came to us the great flask whom our
+lantern called the philosopher, her holiness the Bottle's governor.  He was
+attended with a troop of the temple-guards, all French bottles in wicker
+armour; and seeing us with our javelins wrapped with ivy, with our
+illustrious lantern, whom he knew, he desired us to come in with all manner
+of safety, and ordered we should be immediately conducted to the Princess
+Bacbuc, the Bottle's lady of honour, and priestess of all the mysteries;
+which was done.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXXVI.
+
+How we went down the tetradic steps, and of Panurge's fear.
+
+We went down one marble step under ground, where there was a resting, or,
+as our workmen call it, a landing-place; then, turning to the left, we went
+down two other steps, where there was another resting-place; after that we
+came to three other steps, turning about, and met a third; and the like at
+four steps which we met afterwards.  There quoth Panurge, Is it here?  How
+many steps have you told? asked our magnificent lantern.  One, two, three,
+four, answered Pantagruel.  How much is that? asked she.  Ten, returned he.
+Multiply that, said she, according to the same Pythagorical tetrad.  That
+is, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, cried Pantagruel.  How much is the whole?
+said she.  One hundred, answered Pantagruel.  Add, continued she, the first
+cube--that's eight.  At the end of that fatal number you'll find the temple
+gate; and pray observe, this is the true psychogony of Plato, so celebrated
+by the Academics, yet so little understood; one moiety of which consists of
+the unity of the two first numbers full of two square and two cubic
+numbers.  We then went down those numerical stairs, all under ground, and I
+can assure you, in the first place, that our legs stood us in good stead;
+for had it not been for 'em, we had rolled just like so many hogsheads into
+a vault.  Secondly, our radiant lantern gave us just so much light as is in
+St. Patrick's hole in Ireland, or Trophonius's pit in Boeotia; which caused
+Panurge to say to her, after we had got down some seventy-eight steps:
+
+Dear madam, with a sorrowful, aching heart, I most humbly beseech your
+lanternship to lead us back.  May I be led to hell if I be not half dead
+with fear; my heart is sunk down into my hose; I am afraid I shall make
+buttered eggs in my breeches.  I freely consent never to marry.  You have
+given yourself too much trouble on my account.  The Lord shall reward you
+in his great rewarder; neither will I be ungrateful when I come out of this
+cave of Troglodytes.  Let's go back, I pray you.  I'm very much afraid this
+is Taenarus, the low way to hell, and methinks I already hear Cerberus
+bark.  Hark! I hear the cur, or my ears tingle.  I have no manner of
+kindness for the dog, for there never is a greater toothache than when dogs
+bite us by the shins.  And if this be only Trophonius's pit, the lemures,
+hobthrushes, and goblins will certainly swallow us alive, just as they
+devoured formerly one of Demetrius's halberdiers for want of bridles.  Art
+thou here, Friar John?  Prithee, dear, dear cod, stay by me; I'm almost
+dead with fear.  Hast thou got thy bilbo?  Alas! poor pilgarlic's
+defenceless.  I'm a naked man, thou knowest; let's go back.  Zoons, fear
+nothing, cried Friar John; I'm by thee, and have thee fast by the collar;
+eighteen devils shan't get thee out of my clutches, though I were unarmed.
+Never did a man yet want weapons who had a good arm with as stout a heart.
+Heaven would sooner send down a shower of them; even as in Provence, in the
+fields of La Crau, near Mariannes, there rained stones (they are there to
+this day) to help Hercules, who otherwise wanted wherewithal to fight
+Neptune's two bastards.  But whither are we bound?  Are we a-going to the
+little children's limbo?  By Pluto, they'll bepaw and conskite us all.  Or
+are we going to hell for orders?  By cob's body, I'll hamper, bethwack, and
+belabour all the devils, now I have some vine-leaves in my shoes.  Thou
+shalt see me lay about me like mad, old boy.  Which way? where the devil
+are they?  I fear nothing but their damned horns; but cuckoldy Panurge's
+bull-feather will altogether secure me from 'em.  Lo! in a prophetic spirit
+I already see him, like another Actaeon, horned, horny, hornified.
+Prithee, quoth Panurge, take heed thyself, dear frater, lest, till monks
+have leave to marry, thou weddest something thou dostn't like, as some
+cat-o'-nine-tails or the quartan ague; if thou dost, may I never come safe
+and sound out of this hypogeum, this subterranean cave, if I don't tup and
+ram that disease merely for the sake of making thee a cornuted, corniferous
+property; otherwise I fancy the quartan ague is but an indifferent
+bedfellow.  I remember Gripe-men-all threatened to wed thee to some such
+thing; for which thou calledest him heretic.
+
+Here our splendid lantern interrupted them, letting us know this was the
+place where we were to have a taste of the creature, and be silent; bidding
+us not despair of having the word of the Bottle before we went back, since
+we had lined our shoes with vine-leaves.
+
+Come on then, cried Panurge, let's charge through and through all the
+devils of hell; we can but perish, and that's soon done.  However, I
+thought to have reserved my life for some mighty battle.  Move, move, move
+forwards; I am as stout as Hercules, my breeches are full of courage; my
+heart trembles a little, I own, but that's only an effect of the coldness
+and dampness of this vault; 'tis neither fear nor ague.  Come on, move on,
+piss, pish, push on.  My name's William Dreadnought.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXXVII.
+
+How the temple gates in a wonderful manner opened of themselves.
+
+After we were got down the steps, we came to a portal of fine jasper, of
+Doric order, on whose front we read this sentence in the finest gold,
+EN OINO ALETHEIA--that is, In wine truth.  The gates were of
+Corinthian-like brass, massy, wrought with little vine-branches, finely
+embossed and engraven, and were equally joined and closed together in their
+mortise without padlock, key-chain, or tie whatsoever.  Where they joined,
+there hanged an Indian loadstone as big as an Egyptian bean, set in gold,
+having two points, hexagonal, in a right line; and on each side, towards the
+wall, hung a handful of scordium (garlic germander).
+
+There our noble lantern desired us not to take it amiss that she went no
+farther with us, leaving us wholly to the conduct of the priestess Bacbuc;
+for she herself was not allowed to go in, for certain causes rather to be
+concealed than revealed to mortals.  However, she advised us to be resolute
+and secure, and to trust to her for the return.  She then pulled the
+loadstone that hung at the folding of the gates, and threw it into a silver
+box fixed for that purpose; which done, from the threshold of each gate she
+drew a twine of crimson silk about nine feet long, by which the scordium
+hung, and having fastened it to two gold buckles that hung at the sides,
+she withdrew.
+
+Immediately the gates flew open without being touched; not with a creaking
+or loud harsh noise like that made by heavy brazen gates, but with a soft
+pleasing murmur that resounded through the arches of the temple.
+
+Pantagruel soon knew the cause of it, having discovered a small cylinder or
+roller that joined the gates over the threshold, and, turning like them
+towards the wall on a hard well-polished ophites stone, with rubbing and
+rolling caused that harmonious murmur.
+
+I wondered how the gates thus opened of themselves to the right and left,
+and after we were all got in, I cast my eye between the gates and the wall
+to endeavour to know how this happened; for one would have thought our kind
+lantern had put between the gates the herb aethiopis, which they say opens
+some things that are shut.  But I perceived that the parts of the gates
+that joined on the inside were covered with steel, and just where the said
+gates touched when they were opened I saw two square Indian loadstones of a
+bluish hue, well polished, and half a span broad, mortised in the temple
+wall.  Now, by the hidden and admirable power of the loadstones, the steel
+plates were put into motion, and consequently the gates were slowly drawn;
+however, not always, but when the said loadstone on the outside was
+removed, after which the steel was freed from its power, the two bunches of
+scordium being at the same time put at some distance, because it deadens
+the magnes and robs it of its attractive virtue.
+
+On the loadstone that was placed on the right side the following iambic
+verse was curiously engraven in ancient Roman characters:
+
+  Ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt.
+
+  Fate leads the willing, and th' unwilling draws.
+
+The following sentence was neatly cut in the loadstone that was on the
+left:
+
+    ALL THINGS TEND TO THEIR END.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXXVIII.
+
+Of the Temple's admirable pavement.
+
+When I had read those inscriptions, I admired the beauty of the temple, and
+particularly the disposition of its pavement, with which no work that is
+now, or has been under the cope of heaven, can justly be compared; not that
+of the Temple of Fortune at Praeneste in Sylla's time, or the pavement of
+the Greeks, called asarotum, laid by Sosistratus at Pergamus.  For this
+here was wholly in compartments of precious stones, all in their natural
+colours: one of red jasper, most charmingly spotted; another of ophites; a
+third of porphyry; a fourth of lycophthalmy, a stone of four different
+colours, powdered with sparks of gold as small as atoms; a fifth of agate,
+streaked here and there with small milk-coloured waves; a sixth of costly
+chalcedony or onyx-stone; and another of green jasper, with certain red and
+yellowish veins.  And all these were disposed in a diagonal line.
+
+At the portico some small stones were inlaid and evenly joined on the
+floor, all in their native colours, to embellish the design of the figures;
+and they were ordered in such a manner that you would have thought some
+vine-leaves and branches had been carelessly strewed on the pavement; for
+in some places they were thick, and thin in others.  That inlaying was very
+wonderful everywhere.  Here were seen, as it were in the shade, some snails
+crawling on the grapes; there, little lizards running on the branches.  On
+this side were grapes that seemed yet greenish; on another, some clusters
+that seemed full ripe, so like the true that they could as easily have
+deceived starlings and other birds as those which Zeuxis drew.
+
+Nay, we ourselves were deceived; for where the artist seemed to have
+strewed the vine-branches thickest, we could not forbear walking with great
+strides lest we should entangle our feet, just as people go over an unequal
+stony place.
+
+I then cast my eyes on the roof and walls of the temple, that were all
+pargetted with porphyry and mosaic work, which from the left side at the
+coming in most admirably represented the battle in which the good Bacchus
+overthrew the Indians; as followeth.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XXXIX.
+
+How we saw Bacchus's army drawn up in battalia in mosaic work.
+
+At the beginning, divers towns, hamlets, castles, fortresses, and forests
+were seen in flames; and several mad and loose women, who furiously ripped
+up and tore live calves, sheep, and lambs limb from limb, and devoured
+their flesh.  There we learned how Bacchus, at his coming into India,
+destroyed all things with fire and sword.
+
+Notwithstanding this, he was so despised by the Indians that they did not
+think it worth their while to stop his progress, having been certainly
+informed by their spies that his camp was destitute of warriors, and that
+he had only with him a crew of drunken females, a low-built, old,
+effeminate, sottish fellow, continually addled, and as drunk as a
+wheelbarrow, with a pack of young clownish doddipolls, stark naked, always
+skipping and frisking up and down, with tails and horns like those of young
+kids.
+
+For this reason the Indians had resolved to let them go through their
+country without the least opposition, esteeming a victory over such enemies
+more dishonourable than glorious.
+
+In the meantime Bacchus marched on, burning everything; for, as you know,
+fire and thunder are his paternal arms, Jupiter having saluted his mother
+Semele with his thunder, so that his maternal house was ruined by fire.
+Bacchus also caused a great deal of blood to be spilt; which, when he is
+roused and angered, principally in war, is as natural to him as to make
+some in time of peace.
+
+Thus the plains of the island of Samos are called Panema, which signifies
+bloody, because Bacchus there overtook the Amazons, who fled from the
+country of Ephesus, and there let 'em blood, so that they all died of
+phlebotomy.  This may give you a better insight into the meaning of an
+ancient proverb than Aristotle has done in his problems, viz., Why 'twas
+formerly said, Neither eat nor sow any mint in time of war.  The reason is,
+that blows are given then without any distinction of parts or persons, and
+if a man that's wounded has that day handled or eaten any mint, 'tis
+impossible, or at least very hard, to stanch his blood.
+
+After this, Bacchus was seen marching in battalia, riding in a stately
+chariot drawn by six young leopards.  He looked as young as a child, to
+show that all good topers never grow old.  He was as red as a cherry, or a
+cherub, which you please, and had no more hair on his chin than there's in
+the inside of my hand.  His forehead was graced with pointed horns, above
+which he wore a fine crown or garland of vine-leaves and grapes, and a
+mitre of crimson velvet, having also gilt buskins on.
+
+He had not one man with him that looked like a man; his guards and all his
+forces consisted wholly of Bassarides, Evantes, Euhyades, Edonides,
+Trietherides, Ogygiae, Mimallonides, Maenades, Thyades, and Bacchae,
+frantic, raving, raging, furious, mad women, begirt with live snakes and
+serpents instead of girdles, dishevelled, their hair flowing about their
+shoulders, with garlands of vine-branches instead of forehead-cloths, clad
+with stag's or goat's skins, and armed with torches, javelins, spears, and
+halberds whose ends were like pineapples.  Besides, they had certain small
+light bucklers that gave a loud sound if you touched 'em never so little,
+and these served them instead of drums.  They were just seventy-nine
+thousand two hundred and twenty-seven.
+
+Silenus, who led the van, was one on whom Bacchus relied very much, having
+formerly had many proofs of his valour and conduct.  He was a diminutive,
+stooping, palsied, plump, gorbellied old fellow, with a swingeing pair of
+stiff-standing lugs of his own, a sharp Roman nose, large rough eyebrows,
+mounted on a well-hung ass.  In his fist he held a staff to lean upon, and
+also bravely to fight whenever he had occasion to alight; and he was
+dressed in a woman's yellow gown.  His followers were all young, wild,
+clownish people, as hornified as so many kids and as fell as so many
+tigers, naked, and perpetually singing and dancing country-dances.  They
+were called tityri and satyrs, and were in all eighty-five thousand one
+hundred and thirty-three.
+
+Pan, who brought up the rear, was a monstrous sort of a thing; for his
+lower parts were like a goat's, his thighs hairy, and his horns bolt
+upright; a crimson fiery phiz, and a beard that was none of the shortest.
+He was a bold, stout, daring, desperate fellow, very apt to take pepper in
+the nose for yea and nay.
+
+In his left hand he held a pipe, and a crooked stick in his right.  His
+forces consisted also wholly of satyrs, aegipanes, agripanes, sylvans,
+fauns, lemures, lares, elves, and hobgoblins, and their number was
+seventy-eight thousand one hundred and fourteen.  The signal or word
+common to all the army was Evohe.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XL.
+
+How the battle in which the good Bacchus overthrew the Indians was
+represented in mosaic work.
+
+In the next place we saw the representation of the good Bacchus's
+engagement with the Indians.  Silenus, who led the van, was sweating,
+puffing, and blowing, belabouring his ass most grievously.  The ass
+dreadfully opened its wide jaws, drove away the flies that plagued it,
+winced, flounced, went back, and bestirred itself in a most terrible
+manner, as if some damned gad-bee had stung it at the breech.
+
+The satyrs, captains, sergeants, and corporals of companies, sounding the
+orgies with cornets, in a furious manner went round the army, skipping,
+capering, bounding, jerking, farting, flying out at heels, kicking and
+prancing like mad, encouraging their companions to fight bravely; and all
+the delineated army cried out Evohe!
+
+First, the Maenades charged the Indians with dreadful shouts, and a horrid
+din of their brazen drums and bucklers; the air rung again all around, as
+the mosaic work well expressed it.  And pray for the future don't so much
+admire Apelles, Aristides the Theban, and others who drew claps of thunder,
+lightnings, winds, words, manners, and spirits.
+
+We then saw the Indian army, who had at last taken the field to prevent the
+devastation of the rest of their country.  In the front were the elephants,
+with castles well garrisoned on their backs.  But the army and themselves
+were put into disorder; the dreadful cries of the Bacchae having filled
+them with consternation, and those huge animals turned tail and trampled on
+the men of their party.
+
+There you might have seen gaffer Silenus on his ass, putting on as hard as
+he could, striking athwart and alongst, and laying about him lustily with
+his staff after the old fashion of fencing.  His ass was prancing and
+making after the elephants, gaping and martially braying, as it were to
+sound a charge, as he did when formerly in the Bacchanalian feasts he waked
+the nymph Lottis, when Priapus, full of priapism, had a mind to priapize
+while the pretty creature was taking a nap.
+
+There you might have seen Pan frisk it with his goatish shanks about the
+Maenades, and with his rustic pipe excite them to behave themselves like
+Maenades.
+
+A little further you might have blessed your eyes with the sight of a young
+satyr who led seventeen kings his prisoners; and a Bacchis, who with her
+snakes hauled along no less than two and forty captains; a little faun, who
+carried a whole dozen of standards taken from the enemy; and goodman
+Bacchus on his chariot, riding to and fro fearless of danger, making much
+of his dear carcass, and cheerfully toping to all his merry friends.
+
+Finally, we saw the representation of his triumph, which was thus:  first,
+his chariot was wholly lined with ivy gathered on the mountain Meros; this
+for its scarcity, which you know raises the price of everything, and
+principally of those leaves in India.  In this Alexander the Great followed
+his example at his Indian triumph.  The chariot was drawn by elephants
+joined together, wherein he was imitated by Pompey the Great at Rome in his
+African triumph.  The good Bacchus was seen drinking out of a mighty urn,
+which action Marius aped after his victory over the Cimbri near Aix in
+Provence.  All his army were crowned with ivy; their javelins, bucklers,
+and drums were also wholly covered with it; there was not so much as
+Silenus's ass but was betrapped with it.
+
+The Indian kings were fastened with chains of gold close by the wheels of
+the chariot.  All the company marched in pomp with unspeakable joy, loaded
+with an infinite number of trophies, pageants, and spoils, playing and
+singing merry epiniciums, songs of triumph, and also rural lays and
+dithyrambs.
+
+At the farthest end was a prospect of the land of Egypt; the Nile with its
+crocodiles, marmosets, ibides, monkeys, trochiloses, or wrens, ichneumons,
+or Pharoah's mice, hippopotami, or sea-horses, and other creatures, its
+guests and neighbours.  Bacchus was moving towards that country under the
+conduct of a couple of horned beasts, on one of which was written in gold,
+Apis, and Osiris on the other; because no ox or cow had been seen in Egypt
+till Bacchus came thither.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XLI.
+
+How the temple was illuminated with a wonderful lamp.
+
+Before I proceed to the description of the Bottle, I'll give you that of an
+admirable lamp that dispensed so large a light over all the temple that,
+though it lay underground, we could distinguish every object as clearly as
+above it at noonday.
+
+In the middle of the roof was fixed a ring of massive gold, as thick as my
+clenched fist.  Three chains somewhat less, most curiously wrought, hung
+about two feet and a half below it, and in a triangle supported a round
+plate of fine gold whose diameter or breadth did not exceed two cubits and
+half a span.  There were four holes in it, in each of which an empty ball
+was fastened, hollow within, and open o' top, like a little lamp; its
+circumference about two hands' breadth.  Each ball was of precious stone;
+one an amethyst, another an African carbuncle, the third an opal, and the
+fourth an anthracites.  They were full of burning water five times
+distilled in a serpentine limbec, and inconsumptible, like the oil formerly
+put into Pallas' golden lamp at Acropolis of Athens by Callimachus.  In
+each of them was a flaming wick, partly of asbestine flax, as of old in the
+temple of Jupiter Ammon, such as those which Cleombrotus, a most studious
+philosopher, saw, and partly of Carpasian flax (Ozell's correction.
+Motteux reads, 'which Cleombrotus, a most studious philosopher, and
+Pandelinus of Carpasium had, which were,' &c.), which were rather renewed
+than consumed by the fire.
+
+About two foot and a half below that gold plate, the three chains were
+fastened to three handles that were fixed to a large round lamp of most
+pure crystal, whose diameter was a cubit and a half, and opened about two
+hands' breadths o' top; by which open place a vessel of the same crystal,
+shaped somewhat like the lower part of a gourd-like limbec, or an urinal,
+was put at the bottom of the great lamp, with such a quantity of the
+afore-mentioned burning water, that the flame of the asbestine wick reached
+the centre of the great lamp.  This made all its spherical body seem to burn
+and be in a flame, because the fire was just at the centre and middle point,
+so that it was not more easy to fix the eye on it than on the disc of the
+sun, the matter being wonderfully bright and shining, and the work most
+transparent and dazzling by the reflection of the various colours of the
+precious stones whereof the four small lamps above the main lamp were made,
+and their lustre was still variously glittering all over the temple. Then
+this wandering light being darted on the polished marble and agate with
+which all the inside of the temple was pargetted, our eyes were entertained
+with a sight of all the admirable colours which the rainbow can boast when
+the sun darts his fiery rays on some dropping clouds.
+
+The design of the lamp was admirable in itself, but, in my opinion, what
+added much to the beauty of the whole, was that round the body of the
+crystal lamp there was carved in cataglyphic work a lively and pleasant
+battle of naked boys, mounted on little hobby-horses, with little whirligig
+lances and shields that seemed made of vine-branches with grapes on them;
+their postures generally were very different, and their childish strife and
+motions were so ingeniously expressed that art equalled nature in every
+proportion and action.  Neither did this seem engraved, but rather hewed
+out and embossed in relief, or at least like grotesque, which, by the
+artist's skill, has the appearance of the roundness of the object it
+represents.  This was partly the effect of the various and most charming
+light, which, flowing out of the lamp, filled the carved places with its
+glorious rays.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XLII ('This and the next chapter make really but one, tho' Mr.
+Motteux has made two of them; the first of which contains but eight lines,
+according to him, and ends at the words fantastic fountain.'--Ozell.).
+
+How the Priestess Bacbuc showed us a fantastic fountain in the temple, and
+how the fountain-water had the taste of wine, according to the imagination
+of those who drank of it.
+
+While we were admiring this incomparable lamp and the stupendous structure
+of the temple, the venerable priestess Bacbuc and her attendants came to us
+with jolly smiling looks, and seeing us duly accoutred, without the least
+difficulty took us into the middle of the temple, where, just under the
+aforesaid lamp, was the fine fantastic fountain.  She then ordered some
+cups, goblets, and talboys of gold, silver, and crystal to be brought, and
+kindly invited us to drink of the liquor that sprung there, which we
+readily did; for, to say the truth, this fantastic fountain was very
+inviting, and its materials and workmanship more precious, rare, and
+admirable than anything Plato ever dreamt of in limbo.
+
+Its basis or groundwork was of most pure and limpid alabaster, and its
+height somewhat more than three spans, being a regular heptagon on the
+outside, with its stylobates or footsteps, arulets, cymasults or blunt
+tops, and Doric undulations about it.  It was exactly round within.  On the
+middle point of each angle brink stood a pillar orbiculated in form of
+ivory or alabaster solid rings.  These were seven in number, according to
+the number of the angles (This sentence, restored by Ozell, is omitted by
+Motteux.).
+
+Each pillar's length from the basis to the architraves was near seven
+hands, taking an exact dimension of its diameter through the centre of its
+circumference and inward roundness; and it was so disposed that, casting
+our eyes behind one of them, whatever its cube might be, to view its
+opposite, we found that the pyramidal cone of our visual line ended at the
+said centre, and there, by the two opposites, formed an equilateral
+triangle whose two lines divided the pillar into two equal parts.
+
+That which we had a mind to measure, going from one side to another, two
+pillars over, at the first third part of the distance between them, was met
+by their lowermost and fundamental line, which, in a consult line drawn as
+far as the universal centre, equally divided, gave, in a just partition,
+the distance of the seven opposite pillars in a right line, beginning at
+the obtuse angle on the brink, as you know that an angle is always found
+placed between two others in all angular figures odd in number.
+
+This tacitly gave us to understand that seven semidiameters are in
+geometrical proportion, compass, and distance somewhat less than the
+circumference of a circle, from the figure of which they are extracted;
+that is to say, three whole parts, with an eighth and a half, a little
+more, or a seventh and a half, a little less, according to the instructions
+given us of old by Euclid, Aristotle, Archimedes, and others.
+
+The first pillar, I mean that which faced the temple gate, was of azure,
+sky-coloured sapphire.
+
+The second, of hyacinth, a precious stone exactly of the colour of the
+flower into which Ajax's choleric blood was transformed; the Greek letters
+A I being seen on it in many places.
+
+The third, an anachite diamond, as bright and glittering as lightning.
+
+The fourth, a masculine ruby balas (peach-coloured) amethystizing, its
+flame and lustre ending in violet or purple like an amethyst.
+
+The fifth, an emerald, above five hundred and fifty times more precious
+than that of Serapis in the labyrinth of the Egyptians, and more verdant
+and shining than those that were fixed, instead of eyes, in the marble
+lion's head near King Hermias's tomb.
+
+The sixth, of agate, more admirable and various in the distinctions of its
+veins, clouds, and colours than that which Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, so
+mightily esteemed.
+
+The seventh, of syenites, transparent, of the colour of a beryl and the
+clear hue of Hymetian honey; and within it the moon was seen, such as we
+see it in the sky, silent, full, new, and in the wane.
+
+These stones were assigned to the seven heavenly planets by the ancient
+Chaldaeans; and that the meanest capacities might be informed of this, just
+at the central perpendicular line, on the chapter of the first pillar,
+which was of sapphire, stood the image of Saturn in elutian (Motteux reads
+'Eliacim.') lead, with his scythe in his hand, and at his feet a crane of
+gold, very artfully enamelled, according to the native hue of the saturnine
+bird.
+
+On the second, which was of hyacinth, towards the left, Jupiter was seen in
+jovetian brass, and on his breast an eagle of gold enamelled to the life.
+
+On the third was Phoebus of the purest gold, and a white cock in his right
+hand.
+
+On the fourth was Mars in Corinthian brass, and a lion at his feet.
+
+On the fifth was Venus in copper, the metal of which Aristonides made
+Athamas's statue, that expressed in a blushing whiteness his confusion at
+the sight of his son Learchus, who died at his feet of a fall.
+
+On the sixth was Mercury in hydrargyre.  I would have said quicksilver, had
+it not been fixed, malleable, and unmovable.  That nimble deity had a stork
+at his feet.
+
+On the seventh was the Moon in silver, with a greyhound at her feet.
+
+The size of these statues was somewhat more than a third part of the
+pillars on which they stood, and they were so admirably wrought according
+to mathematical proportion that Polycletus's canon could hardly have stood
+in competition with them.
+
+The bases of the pillars, the chapters, the architraves, zoophores, and
+cornices were Phrygian work of massive gold, purer and finer than any that
+is found in the rivers Leede near Montpellier, Ganges in India, Po in
+Italy, Hebrus in Thrace, Tagus in Spain, and Pactolus in Lydia.
+
+The small arches between the pillars were of the same precious stone of
+which the pillars next to them were.  Thus, that arch was of sapphire which
+ended at the hyacinth pillar, and that was of hyacinth which went towards
+the diamond, and so on.
+
+Above the arches and chapters of the pillars, on the inward front, a cupola
+was raised to cover the fountain.  It was surrounded by the planetary
+statues, heptagonal at the bottom, and spherical o' top, and of crystal so
+pure, transparent, well-polished, whole and uniform in all its parts,
+without veins, clouds, flaws, or streaks, that Xenocrates never saw such a
+one in his life.
+
+Within it were seen the twelve signs of the zodiac, the twelve months of
+the year, with their properties, the two equinoxes, the ecliptic line, with
+some of the most remarkable fixed stars about the antartic pole and
+elsewhere, so curiously engraven that I fancied them to be the workmanship
+of King Necepsus, or Petosiris, the ancient mathematician.
+
+On the top of the cupola, just over the centre of the fountain, were three
+noble long pearls, all of one size, pear fashion, perfectly imitating a
+tear, and so joined together as to represent a flower-de-luce or lily, each
+of the flowers seeming above a hand's breadth.  A carbuncle jetted out of
+its calyx or cup as big as an ostrich's egg, cut seven square (that number
+so beloved of nature), and so prodigiously glorious that the sight of it
+had like to have made us blind, for the fiery sun or the pointed lightning
+are not more dazzling and unsufferably bright.
+
+Now, were some judicious appraisers to judge of the value of this
+incomparable fountain, and the lamp of which we have spoke, they would
+undoubtedly affirm it exceeds that of all the treasures and curiosities in
+Europe, Asia, and Africa put together.  For that carbuncle alone would have
+darkened the pantarbe of Iarchus (Motteux reads 'Joachas.') the Indian
+magician, with as much ease as the sun outshines and dims the stars with
+his meridian rays.
+
+Nor let Cleopatra, that Egyptian queen, boast of her pair of pendants,
+those two pearls, one of which she caused to be dissolved in vinegar, in
+the presence of Antony the Triumvir, her gallant.
+
+Or let Pompeia Plautina be proud of her dress covered all over with
+emeralds and pearls curiously intermixed, she who attracted the eyes of all
+Rome, and was said to be the pit and magazine of the conquering robbers of
+the universe.
+
+The fountain had three tubes or channels of right pearl, seated in three
+equilateral angles already mentioned, extended on the margin, and those
+channels proceeded in a snail-like line, winding equally on both sides.
+
+We looked on them a while, and had cast our eyes on another side, when
+Bacbuc directed us to watch the water.  We then heard a most harmonious
+sound, yet somewhat stopped by starts, far distant, and subterranean, by
+which means it was still more pleasing than if it had been free,
+uninterrupted, and near us, so that our minds were as agreeably entertained
+through our ears with that charming melody as they were through the windows
+of our eyes with those delightful objects.
+
+Bacbuc then said, Your philosophers will not allow that motion is begot by
+the power of figures; look here, and see the contrary.  By that single
+snail-like motion, equally divided as you see, and a fivefold infoliature,
+movable at every inward meeting, such as is the vena cava where it enters
+into the right ventricle of the heart; just so is the flowing of this
+fountain, and by it a harmony ascends as high as your world's ocean.
+
+She then ordered her attendants to make us drink; and, to tell you the
+truth of the matter as near as possible, we are not, heaven be praised! of
+the nature of a drove of calf-lollies, who (as your sparrows can't feed
+unless you bob them on the tail) must be rib-roasted with tough crabtree
+and firked into a stomach, or at least into an humour to eat or drink.  No,
+we know better things, and scorn to scorn any man's civility who civilly
+invites us to a drinking bout.  Bacbuc asked us then how we liked our tiff.
+We answered that it seemed to us good harmless sober Adam's liquor, fit to
+keep a man in the right way, and, in a word, mere element; more cool and
+clear than Argyrontes in Aetolia, Peneus in Thessaly, Axius in Mygdonia, or
+Cydnus in Cilicia, a tempting sight of whose cool silver stream caused
+Alexander to prefer the short-lived pleasure of bathing himself in it to
+the inconveniences which he could not but foresee would attend so
+ill-termed an action.
+
+This, said Bacbuc, comes of not considering with ourselves, or
+understanding the motions of the musculous tongue, when the drink glides on
+it in its way to the stomach.  Tell me, noble strangers, are your throats
+lined, paved, or enamelled, as formerly was that of Pithyllus, nicknamed
+Theutes, that you can have missed the taste, relish, and flavour of this
+divine liquor?  Here, said she, turning towards her gentlewomen, bring my
+scrubbing-brushes, you know which, to scrape, rake, and clear their
+palates.
+
+They brought immediately some stately, swingeing, jolly hams, fine
+substantial neat's tongues, good hung-beef, pure and delicate botargos,
+venison, sausages, and such other gullet-sweepers.  And, to comply with her
+invitation, we crammed and twisted till we owned ourselves thoroughly cured
+of thirst, which before did damnably plague us.
+
+We are told, continued she, that formerly a learned and valiant Hebrew
+chief, leading his people through the deserts, where they were in danger of
+being famished, obtained of God some manna, whose taste was to them, by
+imagination, such as that of meat was to them before in reality; thus,
+drinking of this miraculous liquor, you'll find it taste like any wine that
+you shall fancy you drink.  Come, then, fancy and drink.  We did so, and
+Panurge had no sooner whipped off his brimmer but he cried, By Noah's open
+shop, 'tis vin de Beaune, better than ever was yet tipped over tongue, or
+may ninety-six devils swallow me.  Oh! that to keep its taste the longer,
+we gentlemen topers had but necks some three cubits long or so, as
+Philoxenus desired to have, or, at least, like a crane's, as Melanthius
+wished his.
+
+On the faith of true lanterners, quoth Friar John, 'tis gallant, sparkling
+Greek wine.  Now, for God's sake, sweetheart, do but teach me how the devil
+you make it.  It seems to me Mirevaux wine, said Pantagruel; for before I
+drank I supposed it to be such.  Nothing can be misliked in it, but that
+'tis cold; colder, I say, than the very ice; colder than the Nonacrian and
+Dercean (Motteux reads 'Deraen.') water, or the Conthoporian (Motteux,
+'Conthopian.') spring at Corinth, that froze up the stomach and nutritive
+parts of those that drank of it.
+
+Drink once, twice, or thrice more, said Bacbuc, still changing your
+imagination, and you shall find its taste and flavour to be exactly that on
+which you shall have pitched.  Then never presume to say that anything is
+impossible to God.  We never offered to say such a thing, said I; far from
+it, we maintain he is omnipotent.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XLIII.
+
+How the Priestess Bacbuc equipped Panurge in order to have the word of the
+Bottle.
+
+When we had thus chatted and tippled, Bacbuc asked, Who of you here would
+have the word of the Bottle?  I, your most humble little funnel, an't
+please you, quoth Panurge.  Friend, saith she, I have but one thing to tell
+you, which is, that when you come to the Oracle, you take care to hearken
+and hear the word only with one ear.  This, cried Friar John, is wine of
+one ear, as Frenchmen call it.
+
+She then wrapped him up in a gaberdine, bound his noddle with a goodly
+clean biggin, clapped over it a felt such as those through which hippocras
+is distilled, at the bottom of which, instead of a cowl, she put three
+obelisks, made him draw on a pair of old-fashioned codpieces instead of
+mittens, girded him about with three bagpipes bound together, bathed his
+jobbernowl thrice in the fountain; then threw a handful of meal on his
+phiz, fixed three cock's feathers on the right side of the hippocratical
+felt, made him take a jaunt nine times round the fountain, caused him to
+take three little leaps and to bump his a-- seven times against the ground,
+repeating I don't know what kind of conjurations all the while in the
+Tuscan tongue, and ever and anon reading in a ritual or book of ceremonies,
+carried after her by one of her mystagogues.
+
+For my part, may I never stir if I don't really believe that neither Numa
+Pompilius, the second King of the Romans, nor the Cerites of Tuscia, and
+the old Hebrew captain ever instituted so many ceremonies as I then saw
+performed; nor were ever half so many religious forms used by the
+soothsayers of Memphis in Egypt to Apis, or by the Euboeans, at Rhamnus
+(Motteux gives 'or by the Embrians, or at Rhamnus.'), to Rhamnusia, or to
+Jupiter Ammon, or to Feronia.
+
+When she had thus accoutred my gentleman, she took him out of our company,
+and led him out of the temple, through a golden gate on the right, into a
+round chapel made of transparent speculary stones, by whose solid clearness
+the sun's light shined there through the precipice of the rock without any
+windows or other entrance, and so easily and fully dispersed itself through
+the greater temple that the light seemed rather to spring out of it than to
+flow into it.
+
+The workmanship was not less rare than that of the sacred temple at
+Ravenna, or that in the island of Chemnis in Egypt.  Nor must I forget to
+tell you that the work of that round chapel was contrived with such a
+symmetry that its diameter was just the height of the vault.
+
+In the middle of it was an heptagonal fountain of fine alabaster most
+artfully wrought, full of water, which was so clear that it might have
+passed for element in its purity and singleness.  The sacred Bottle was in
+it to the middle, clad in pure fine crystal of an oval shape, except its
+muzzle, which was somewhat wider than was consistent with that figure.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XLIV.
+
+How Bacbuc, the high-priestess, brought Panurge before the Holy Bottle.
+
+There the noble priestess Bacbuc made Panurge stoop and kiss the brink of
+the fountain; then bade him rise and dance three ithymbi ('Dances in the
+honour of Bacchus.'--Motteux.).  Which done, she ordered him to sit down
+between two stools placed there for that purpose, his arse upon the ground.
+Then she opened her ceremonial book, and, whispering in his left ear, made
+him sing an epileny, inserted here in the figure of the bottle.
+
+    Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep
+  Do's ten thousand Secrets keep,
+  With attentive Ear I wait;
+  Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate.
+  Soul of Joy!  Like Bacchus, we
+  More than India gain by thee.
+  Truths unborn thy Juice reveals,
+  Which Futurity conceals.
+  Antidote to Frauds and Lies,
+  Wine, that mounts us to the Skies,
+  May thy Father Noah's Brood
+  Like him drown, but in thy Flood.
+  Speak, so may the Liquid Mine
+  Of Rubies, or of Diamonds shine.
+    Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep
+  Do's ten thousand Secrets keep,
+  With attentive Ear I wait;
+  Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate.
+
+When Panurge had sung, Bacbuc threw I don't know what into the fountain,
+and straight its water began to boil in good earnest, just for the world as
+doth the great monastical pot at Bourgueil when 'tis high holiday there.
+Friend Panurge was listening with one ear, and Bacbuc kneeled by him, when
+such a kind of humming was heard out of the Bottle as is made by a swarm of
+bees bred in the flesh of a young bull killed and dressed according to
+Aristaeus's art, or such as is made when a bolt flies out of a crossbow, or
+when a shower falls on a sudden in summer.  Immediately after this was
+heard the word Trinc.  By cob's body, cried Panurge, 'tis broken, or
+cracked at least, not to tell a lie for the matter; for even so do crystal
+bottles speak in our country when they burst near the fire.
+
+Bacbuc arose, and gently taking Panurge under the arms, said, Friend, offer
+your thanks to indulgent heaven, as reason requires.  You have soon had the
+word of the Goddess-Bottle; and the kindest, most favourable, and certain
+word of answer that I ever yet heard her give since I officiated here at
+her most sacred oracle.  Rise, let us go to the chapter, in whose gloss
+that fine word is explained.  With all my heart, quoth Panurge; by jingo, I
+am just as wise as I was last year.  Light, where's the book?  Turn it
+over, where's the chapter?  Let's see this merry gloss.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XLV.
+
+How Bacbuc explained the word of the Goddess-Bottle.
+
+Bacbuc having thrown I don't know what into the fountain, straight the
+water ceased to boil; and then she took Panurge into the greater temple, in
+the central place, where there was the enlivening fountain.
+
+There she took out a hugeous silver book, in the shape of a half-tierce, or
+hogshead, of sentences, and, having filled it at the fountain, said to him,
+The philosophers, preachers, and doctors of your world feed you up with
+fine words and cant at the ears; now, here we really incorporate our
+precepts at the mouth.  Therefore I'll not say to you, read this chapter,
+see this gloss; no, I say to you, taste me this fine chapter, swallow me
+this rare gloss.  Formerly an ancient prophet of the Jewish nation ate a
+book and became a clerk even to the very teeth!  Now will I have you drink
+one, that you may be a clerk to your very liver.  Here, open your
+mandibules.
+
+Panurge gaping as wide as his jaws would stretch, Bacbuc took the silver
+book--at least we took it for a real book, for it looked just for the world
+like a breviary--but in truth it was a breviary, a flask of right Falernian
+wine as it came from the grape, which she made him swallow every drop.
+
+By Bacchus, quoth Panurge, this was a notable chapter, a most authentic
+gloss, o' my word.  Is this all that the trismegistian Bottle's word means?
+I' troth, I like it extremely; it went down like mother's milk.  Nothing
+more, returned Bacbuc; for Trinc is a panomphean word, that is, a word
+understood, used and celebrated by all nations, and signifies drink.
+
+Some say in your world that sack is a word used in all tongues, and justly
+admitted in the same sense among all nations; for, as Aesop's fable hath
+it, all men are born with a sack at the neck, naturally needy and begging
+of each other; neither can the most powerful king be without the help of
+other men, or can anyone that's poor subsist without the rich, though he be
+never so proud and insolent; as, for example, Hippias the philosopher, who
+boasted he could do everything.  Much less can anyone make shift without
+drink than without a sack.  Therefore here we hold not that laughing, but
+that drinking is the distinguishing character of man.  I don't say
+drinking, taking that word singly and absolutely in the strictest sense;
+no, beasts then might put in for a share; I mean drinking cool delicious
+wine.  For you must know, my beloved, that by wine we become divine;
+neither can there be a surer argument or a less deceitful divination.  Your
+('Varro.'--Motteux) academics assert the same when they make the etymology
+of wine, which the Greeks call OINOS, to be from vis, strength, virtue,
+and power; for 'tis in its power to fill the soul with all truth, learning,
+and philosophy.
+
+If you observe what is written in Ionic letters on the temple gate, you may
+have understood that truth is in wine.  The Goddess-Bottle therefore
+directs you to that divine liquor; be yourself the expounder of your
+undertaking.
+
+It is impossible, said Pantagruel to Panurge, to speak more to the purpose
+than does this true priestess; you may remember I told you as much when you
+first spoke to me about it.
+
+Trinc then:  what says your heart, elevated by Bacchic enthusiasm?
+
+With this quoth Panurge:
+
+  Trinc, trinc; by Bacchus, let us tope,
+  And tope again; for, now I hope
+  To see some brawny, juicy rump
+  Well tickled with my carnal stump.
+  Ere long, my friends, I shall be wedded,
+  Sure as my trap-stick has a red-head;
+  And my sweet wife shall hold the combat
+  Long as my baws can on her bum beat.
+  O what a battle of a-- fighting
+  Will there be, which I much delight in!
+  What pleasing pains then shall I take
+  To keep myself and spouse awake!
+  All heart and juice, I'll up and ride,
+  And make a duchess of my bride.
+  Sing Io paean! loudly sing
+  To Hymen, who all joys will bring.
+  Well, Friar John, I'll take my oath,
+  This oracle is full of troth;
+  Intelligible truth it bears,
+  More certain than the sieve and shears.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XLVI.
+
+How Panurge and the rest rhymed with poetic fury.
+
+What a pox ails the fellow? quoth Friar John.  Stark staring mad, or
+bewitched, o' my word!  Do but hear the chiming dotterel gabble in rhyme.
+What o' devil has he swallowed?  His eyes roll in his loggerhead just for
+the world like a dying goat's.  Will the addle-pated wight have the grace
+to sheer off?  Will he rid us of his damned company, to go shite out his
+nasty rhyming balderdash in some bog-house?  Will nobody be so kind as to
+cram some dog's-bur down the poor cur's gullet? or will he, monk-like, run
+his fist up to the elbow into his throat to his very maw, to scour and
+clear his flanks?  Will he take a hair of the same dog?
+
+Pantagruel chid Friar John, and said:
+
+  Bold monk, forbear! this, I'll assure ye,
+  Proceeds all from poetic fury;
+  Warmed by the god, inspired with wine,
+  His human soul is made divine.
+    For without jest,
+    His hallowed breast,
+    With wine possessed,
+    Could have no rest
+    Till he'd expressed
+    Some thoughts at least
+    Of his great guest.
+    Then straight he flies
+    Above the skies,
+    And mortifies,
+    With prophecies,
+    Our miseries.
+  And since divinely he's inspired,
+  Adore the soul by wine acquired,
+  And let the tosspot be admired.
+
+How, quoth the friar, the fit rhyming is upon you too?  Is't come to that?
+Then we are all peppered, or the devil pepper me.  What would I not give to
+have Gargantua see us while we are in this maggotty crambo-vein!  Now may I
+be cursed with living on that damned empty food, if I can tell whether I
+shall scape the catching distemper.  The devil a bit do I understand which
+way to go about it; however, the spirit of fustian possesses us all, I
+find.  Well, by St. John, I'll poetize, since everybody does; I find it
+coming.  Stay, and pray pardon me if I don't rhyme in crimson; 'tis my
+first essay.
+
+  Thou, who canst water turn to wine,
+  Transform my bum, by power divine,
+  Into a lantern, that may light
+  My neighbour in the darkest night.
+
+Panurge then proceeds in his rapture, and says:
+
+  From Pythian Tripos ne'er were heard
+  More truths, nor more to be revered.
+  I think from Delphos to this spring
+  Some wizard brought that conjuring thing.
+  Had honest Plutarch here been toping,
+  He then so long had ne'er been groping
+  To find, according to his wishes,
+  Why oracles are mute as fishes
+  At Delphos.  Now the reason's clear;
+  No more at Delphos they're, but here.
+  Here is the tripos, out of which
+  Is spoke the doom of poor and rich.
+  For Athenaeus does relate
+  This Bottle is the Womb of Fate;
+  Prolific of mysterious wine,
+  And big with prescience divine,
+  It brings the truth with pleasure forth;
+  Besides you ha't a pennyworth.
+  So, Friar John, I must exhort you
+  To wait a word that may import you,
+  And to inquire, while here we tarry,
+  If it shall be your luck to marry.
+
+Friar John answers him in a rage, and says:
+
+  How, marry!  By St. Bennet's boot,
+  And his gambadoes, I'll never do't.
+  No man that knows me e'er shall judge
+  I mean to make myself a drudge;
+  Or that pilgarlic e'er will dote
+  Upon a paltry petticoat.
+  I'll ne'er my liberty betray
+  All for a little leapfrog play;
+  And ever after wear a clog
+  Like monkey or like mastiff-dog.
+  No, I'd not have, upon my life,
+  Great Alexander for my wife,
+  Nor Pompey, nor his dad-in-law,
+  Who did each other clapperclaw.
+  Not the best he that wears a head
+  Shall win me to his truckle-bed.
+
+Panurge, pulling off his gaberdine and mystical accoutrements, replied:
+
+  Wherefore thou shalt, thou filthy beast,
+  Be damned twelve fathoms deep at least;
+  While I shall reign in Paradise,
+  Whence on thy loggerhead I'll piss.
+  Now when that dreadful hour is come,
+  That thou in hell receiv'st thy doom,
+  E'en there, I know, thou'lt play some trick,
+  And Proserpine shan't scape a prick
+  Of the long pin within thy breeches.
+  But when thou'rt using these capriches,
+  And caterwauling in her cavern,
+  Send Pluto to the farthest tavern
+  For the best wine that's to be had,
+  Lest he should see, and run horn-mad.
+  She's kind, and ever did admire
+  A well-fed monk or well-hung friar.
+
+Go to, quoth Friar John, thou old noddy, thou doddipolled ninny, go to the
+devil thou'rt prating of.  I've done with rhyming; the rheum gripes me at
+the gullet.  Let's talk of paying and going; come.
+
+
+
+Chapter 5.XLVII.
+
+How we took our leave of Bacbuc, and left the Oracle of the Holy Bottle.
+
+Do not trouble yourself about anything here, said the priestess to the
+friar; if you be but satisfied, we are.  Here below, in these circumcentral
+regions, we place the sovereign good, not in taking and receiving, but in
+bestowing and giving; so that we esteem ourselves happy, not if we take and
+receive much of others, as perhaps the sects of teachers do in your world,
+but rather if we impart and give much.  All I have to beg of you is that
+you leave us here your names in writing, in this ritual.  She then opened a
+fine large book, and as we gave our names one of her mystagogues with a
+gold pin drew some lines on it, as if she had been writing; but we could
+not see any characters.
+
+This done, she filled three glasses with fantastic water, and giving them
+into our hands, said, Now, my friends, you may depart, and may that
+intellectual sphere whose centre is everywhere and circumference nowhere,
+whom we call GOD, keep you in his almighty protection.  When you come into
+your world, do not fail to affirm and witness that the greatest treasures
+and most admirable things are hidden underground, and not without reason.
+
+Ceres was worshipped because she taught mankind the art of husbandry, and
+by the use of corn, which she invented, abolished that beastly way of
+feeding on acorns; and she grievously lamented her daughter's banishment
+into our subterranean regions, certainly foreseeing that Proserpine would
+meet with more excellent things, more desirable enjoyments, below, than she
+her mother could be blessed with above.
+
+What do you think is become of the art of forcing the thunder and celestial
+fire down, which the wise Prometheus had formerly invented?  'Tis most
+certain you have lost it; 'tis no more on your hemisphere; but here below
+we have it.  And without a cause you sometimes wonder to see whole towns
+burned and destroyed by lightning and ethereal fire, and are at a loss
+about knowing from whom, by whom, and to what end those dreadful mischiefs
+were sent.  Now, they are familiar and useful to us; and your philosophers
+who complain that the ancients have left them nothing to write of or to
+invent, are very much mistaken.  Those phenomena which you see in the sky,
+whatever the surface of the earth affords you, and the sea, and every river
+contain, is not to be compared with what is hid within the bowels of the
+earth.
+
+For this reason the subterranean ruler has justly gained in almost every
+language the epithet of rich.  Now when your sages shall wholly apply their
+minds to a diligent and studious search after truth, humbly begging the
+assistance of the sovereign God, whom formerly the Egyptians in their
+language called The Hidden and the Concealed, and invoking him by that
+name, beseech him to reveal and make himself known to them, that Almighty
+Being will, out of his infinite goodness, not only make his creatures, but
+even himself known to them.
+
+Thus will they be guided by good lanterns.  For all the ancient
+philosophers and sages have held two things necessary safely and pleasantly
+to arrive at the knowledge of God and true wisdom; first, God's gracious
+guidance, then man's assistance.
+
+So, among the philosophers, Zoroaster took Arimaspes for the companion of
+his travels; Aesculapius, Mercury; Orpheus, Musaeus; Pythagoras,
+Aglaophemus; and, among princes and warriors, Hercules in his most
+difficult achievements had his singular friend Theseus; Ulysses, Diomedes;
+Aeneas, Achates.  You followed their examples, and came under the conduct
+of an illustrious lantern.  Now, in God's name depart, and may he go along
+with you!
+
+THE END OF THE FIFTH BOOK OF THE HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF THE NOBLE
+PANTAGRUEL.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Complete.
+by Francois Rabelais
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